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"How the Other Half Lives" Episode: 14 36th Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA14 Written by: Jason Katims, Ronald D. Moore Original Air Date: Monday February 19, 2001 [Episode opens with someone breaking into Michael's apartment and searching frantically for something, leaving a mess in his wake. His search comes to an end when he comes across a picture of Laurie Dupree.] [Scene switches to Michael and Maria spying on the Dupree estate] Michael: [looking through binoculars, to Maria, who is punching in numbers on a cell phone] Hey, we're here to keep an eye on Laurie. Would you stop making phone calls? Maria: [to Michael] It's official business. [into the phone] Liz! Hey, it's me again. Listen, um, how do you get tree sap out of fabric? I think I've ruined my top... Michael: You're wasting the battery. Maria: No, no. The black turtleneck...The cashmere one...I borrowed it from my mum, you know? ...I know...I know, right? It's tragic…[the lights go out in the house] It is...I'm still in the middle of nowhere with he who shall remain nameless [Michael yanks the phone away] Hey! Ow!! MICHAEL: [Switches off the phone] Let's go! [They sneak into the estate and hide by the pool as a security guard passes by.] Maria: You got any cool powers to take care of him? [Michael throws a rock into the bushes. As the guard goes to check out the noise, Michael and Maria slip into the house.] [Meanwhile, back in Roswell the Sheriff and Agent Duff pull over Grant Sorenson's car..] Duff: Step out of the car please. Grant: What the hell is this about? Jim: Brought you something you've wanted for a long time. Search warrant. [Jim starts to search the trunk while Duff talks to Grant] Duff: Can I ask you a few questions, Mr. Sorenson? Grant: Sure. Duff: [Shows him some papers] These are car rental receipts that you signed. Newcastle, Wyoming last July; Fort Collins, Colorado in August; and Las Cruces, New Mexico in September. Are these your signatures? Grant: Yeah, they might be. What the hell's this all about? Duff: Just questions for now. Why were you in those cities? Grant: Research. I've got records Duff: I'd appreciate looking at those. [Jim walks up with some gloves he found in the trunk] Jim: These your gloves? Grant: No. Jim: They were in your bag Grant: I've never seen those gloves before in my life. Agent Duff, I have no idea what this man has told you or what he has against me, but he has been persecuting me practically since the day I set foot in Roswell. And now he's planting things in my truck. Duff: How did you get those scratches on your neck? Grant: [visibly confused as he reaches up to touch the scratches] I, uh...I've no idea. [Duff and Jim exchange looks] [Back in Arizone, Maria and Michael find Laurie's room.] Michael: Hey. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. We're gonna help you. Laurie: My aunt and uncle need me to be crazy. Michael: What are you talking about? [Bobby and Meredith walk into the room with a guard] Bobby: Mr. Guerin! You and your, uh, accomplice with the, uh, lips...are trespassing. Meredith: That money we gave you was intended as a going-away present...as in, "take the money and GO AWAY." Bobby: Got it? Michael: Yeah. Meredith: [To the guard] James, please escort them to their car, and this time be SURE they drive away. [The guard leads Michael and Maria out of the room. As they leave Laurie curls up into a ball on the bed, looking frightened.] [OPENING CREDITS] [Tess, Isabel, Max and Liz are seated around the table at the Crashdown, discussing Larek's revelations about the crystals.] Max: His final words were to get off the planet. Isabel: Which isn't currently an option. Liz: Which is why we called this meeting, to figure out what our options are. Tess: And just so I'm clear, when Larek said that Earth was infected, wh-what exactly are we talking here? You know, a couple of acres? Couple of miles? Liz: Um, I think he was speaking a little more globally. [Brody enters and walks up to them] Max: Hey Brody, how you feeling? Larek: It's Larek...and although I've had a little more time to prepare this body for communication, I'm still having trouble keeping its heart beating, so I'll get right to it. The Gandarium are a genetically engineered life form, designed to bridge the DNA and RNA sequencing during third-stage amino synthesis. [Everyone looks to Liz for an interpretation] Liz: [to the others] No, uh, I'm lost too. [To Larek] Uh, it's way over our heads. Do you mind explaining it to us in simpler terms? Larek: Alright. Uh, let's say you want to create an alien-human hybrid. First, you get some alien cells, then you get some human cells. Normally they don't mix very well. You need something to help bridge the differences. That's where the Gandarium come in. In a controlled environment like on your ship, they're harmless, but released into an eco-system, the Gandarium will perform the only role they know: infect human cells. Isabel: But they're not infecting just any human cells... Tess: They seem to be focusing on one particular girl. Larek: Not every human is a candidate for hybridization. The genetic structure has to have...well, you would call it a flaw. It's very rare on Earth, fewer than one in 50 million people have it. Liz: That's why they're going after Laurie. She must have the defect. Max: What happens if they succeed in infecting Laurie? Larek: Once they've infected her, the Gandarium will mutate into a universal virus. She'll infect anyone she comes into contact with, human or otherwise. They in turn, will infect everyone they come into contact with. Eventually, she and every infected person on the planet will die. Max: How do we destroy them? Larek: Once they've infected the host, it's all over. Tess: [as the truth dawns on her] They didn't finish. The Gandarium didn't finish infecting Laurie. Isabel: She was buried right out there with the crystals. Liz: Wait. No, I think that Tess is right. That's why they're still coming after her. To complete the process. Larek: If that's true, then you may still have a chance. The Gandarium are hive-like, with workers, drones...even a Queen. The Queen is the only one that can infect the host. Find her, kll her, and the rest of the hive will die. Isabel: So the Queen will be in the hive? Larek: Not necessarily. [Stands up] I'll have to return this body to its home or it won't survive. Good luck...to you all. [Larek leaves] Max: The first thing we have to do is go back to Frazier Woods and find out how many more of these crystals are out there. Or rather, down there. And then we have to find a way to destroy them. Collect whatever digging equipment you can and meet outside in an hour. I'm going to call Kyle and Alex for more help. [Back in Arizona, Michael and Maria are at the Hall of Records checking out a file.] Michael: This is a STUPID idea. Maria: Think about it, Guerin. What do you think Laurie meant when she said that her aunt and uncle needed her to be crazy? Michael: Who knows? Maria: Well, I do. At least I have a hunch. Staff: [Successfully finds the deed from his cabinet and handing it to Maria] Deed of record for...11, Osborne Road? Maria: Thank you. Staff: Sign here please. Maria: [Signs the form] ‘Kay. Here you go. Staff: Thank you. [Maria opens the file and scans it quickly. She begins to laugh as she finds what she's looking for.] Maria: Okay. Just start applauding right now. [Michael sarcastically claps] The Dupree estate is in Laurie's name, left to her by her grandfather. Michael: So what does that give us? Maria: Hmmm...a little thing called leverage. [Michael and Maria return to the Dupree estate and ring the bell] Intercom: Hello? Maria: Greetings. It's the team of Guerin and DeLuca again. Intercom: Wait right where you are. The police should be by to scoop you up in approximately ten minutes. Maria: Right, of course. Um, are Bobby and Meredith around? If they are, could you just have them come outside so that they could take a look at this? [Maria hold the deed of record up to the camera.] Intercom: One moment. Maria: Charmed, I'm sure. Michael: If it was me, I'd tell us to get screwed and call the cops anyways. Maria: That's 'cause you don't have any money Michael. People who do tend to get a little nervous when it's thrat. [Gate opens for them] [Back in Roswell, Kyle and Alex are digging away in Frazier's Woods] Alex: So is this the sixth or seventh hole we've dug today? Kyle: Hey, hey. I was kinda wondering what the hell you people were doing hm year. Alex: Ah, well, a lot of secret meetings, a lot of lying to authorities. Sometimes narrowly escaping gn...[Kyle looks worried] although generally that was pretty rare. Kyle: So what do we lowly human folk get out of all this? Alex: I'm not sure. Kyle: See, I guess what I have a problem with is that suddenly I'm a member of this club I never wanted to join. Alex: Yeah. Kyle: And it turns out this club bears a striking resemblance to a chain gng. [They continue digging. Alex suddenly hits something hard.] Alex: What the... Look at this. Kyle: What the hell man? It's some sort of cave. [Alex raises his arms in triumph] Alex: JACKPOT, BABY!! Whooh!! Yeah!! Alex Whitman, ladies and gentlemen! Uh-huh! Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [Comes back to earth as Kyle stares at him] Okay, well, time to put the shovel away, and uh, go find the others and tell Max. [Kyle looks at the hole speculatively, and then turns to Alex] Kyle: You comin'? Alex: [Thinks for just a moment before caving in] Sure. You first. Kyle: Okay. [Scene switches to the interior of the cave with the entrance at the top left corner. Kyle drops his bag down before coming down himself. Alex follows after. The walls of the cave are covered in clusters of the Gandarium.] Kyle: [Seeing the interior of the cave] Oh my God! [Shining his torchlight around the blue-coloured cave as Alex enters and coughs slightly] What do you suppose alien crystals are going for on eBay? Alex: [Laughing nervously] Alright, Columbus. You claimed the land for the Queen of Spain. What do you say we go tell the others? [As the crystals suddenly cover over the opening that they entered by, cutting out all sunlight] Oh, oh no! Oh, oh... Kyle: I don't know why I'm looking around. [As Alex starts to pant a little out of breath] I suppose stuff like this happens all the time? Right? Alex: Yeah, sure. [A short time later, Liz, Max, Tess and Isabel congregate at the place where Alex and Kyle were digging.] Liz: Find anything? Tess: Just a lot of rock. Max: There's nothing in grid point 23-27. Liz: [Checking her clipboard] Okay, then uh, you should move on to... Max: [Looking around for Alex and Kyle] Where are those guys? [They spot the crystals in the ground that covered up the hole Alex dug up] The crystals. Isabel: Oh. [Liz's cell phone rings as Max, Tess and Isabel put down their shovels and attempt to study the crystals a little closer.] [Scene jumps back and forth between Alex and Kyle in the cave and Liz, Max, Tess and Isabel above-ground as Liz and Kyle talk on the cell phone] Liz: Hello? Kyle: [Off-screen] Liz?! Liz: Yeah. Kyle: [Off-screen] It's me, Kyle! Liz: Yeah, Kyle. Where are you? Kyle: In the freaking nest!! Liz: [Her mouth opening in shock, she looks down at the crystals] Oh my God! [Pointing at the hole] You guys, they're IN there. Kyle: [Off-screen] Do you see the crystals? Liz: [As the alien trio get down on their knees around the hole] Yeah, yeah, we see the crystals. Kyle: They blocked us in here. Liz: [To the kneeling trio] Okay, um, you guys...you guys think that you can make an opening? Max: We can try. Isabel: Tell them to step as far away from the entrance as possible. Liz: Okay, uh, try to step as far away from the hole. Kyle: [As he and Alex move further into the cave] Come on, come on. Get a move, get a move. [Max, Isabel and Tess concentrate their powers to try to create an opening through the crystals, but they hold fast. Kyle and Liz are still on the line as they wait for any action.] Max: [As the trio gives up] Our powers don't work on these! Liz: [Clapping her hand over the cell phone mouthpiece] Are you sure? TESS: You're welcome to try! Kyle: Okay, what now? What are you doing? Liz: Um, they're just uh, you know...they're uh, [She has no idea what to say] they're taking a break! Kyle: [Incredulously] Break?! You know there's not that much air down here. Liz: Uh [Thinking through her options] Okay, um, we're...we're just gonna have to get back to you. Kyle: [Off-screen] Get back to us?! Liz: Breath shallow. Kyle: [Off-screen] Breath shallow?! [Liz hangs up] [To the alien trio] Liz: What now?! Max: Uh, Brody has some weird equipment in the back of the UFO Center. I think there...there's even a diamond saw in the storage locker. Liz: Okay, yeah. That could work, that could work. Isabel: I'll get it. [She runs off on her errand]. Max: Maybe we should dig another hole. Tess: Okay. [Liz drops her checklist to help with the digging as Tess moves to a spot a little off the original entrance to start digging a new hole.] Max: Parallel to where they're digging. See if we can tunnel in from the side. Liz: Where? Where? Tess: Here. Max: The side. Tess: Let's go, let's go. [They start to dig furiously] [Back at the Dupree estate, Meredith and Maria are having drinks poolside.] Meredith: So...Shall I have Carmen prepare for your departure tomorrow? Maria: You know, I think we're gonna stick around a little longer than that? So um, you can just tell Carmen not to knock herself out. MEREDITH: [Pouring herself some wine] You do know that we have power of attorney over Laurie? I love that girl like a daughter. Maria: Mm... Meredith: But, the girl is certifiable. And the doctors agree. So we could have you and the beatnik kicked out of here anytime we like. Maria: Then why haven't you? Meredith: Hm. Maria: [Pulling a big, leather bound checkbook from her bag] Maybe it's...uh, I don't know, because of the...[Flipping the book to a particular page] 1 million dollars you donated to the Pinecrest Psychiatric Institute to get them to say that Laurie was crazy? [She smiles knowingly] Meredith: [Smiles nervously knowing she's caught] Where did you get that? Maria: Oh, Laurie told me that I could go anywhere in the house that I pleased. So I looked at your desk. Meredith: Huh. Maria: Huh. [In Laurie's room, Michael is relaying the morning's events] Michael: So I realized I had to find some kind of leverage. I went to the courthouse had them look up files on this place and...bang, there it was. The deed with your name on it. So I thrat to call the police on Bobby and Meredith and have them arrested for trespassing and...Well...WE thrat to call the police cos Maria kinda helped. LAURIE: That's really smart. Michael: You know, well people with money. They tend to get nervous when it's thrat you know? [He scratches his eyebrow nervously] LAURIE: [Smiling suddenly] You look just like him when you did that. MICHAEL: Who? Laurie: Grandpa. He used to scratch his eyebrow just like you did. He even wore a ring on the same finger you do. Michael: What was he like? Laurie: A lot like you. Hard to read, lived in his own head. But kind. He's the only one in the family I ever felt safe with. [Pause] Would you like to meet him? [Laurie takes Michael down to the bmb shelter underneath the house. She switches on the lights and enters first. There are beds on both sides of the walls and wooden boxes filled with Grandpa's stuff. Michael flips through some books lying on top of one of the boxes.] Laurie: [Picking up a sweater and smelling it] You can still smell him. [Holds the sweater close to Michael to sniff] Indian River Pipe Tobacco. MICHAEL: [Flipping to a page with drawings of alien-like figures, big bald heads with black eyes and pointed ears.] He had an interest in aliens. LAURIE: Grandpa said they took him. [Michael looks enquiringly at her] He wouldn't talk about it. He'd just come down here to the bmb shelter and read for hours. [Her voice turns nostalgic] It was his sanctuary. [Coming back to reality] The older he got, the more he wanted to know what really happened to him. So he started talking. Aunt Meredith and Uncle Bobby used it to put him away. [She fingers a page filled with words written in a spiral pattern] Michael: It drove him crazy. Laurie: That's what I got from Grandpa...that and some bad blood. MICHAEL: [Questioningly] Bad blood? Laurie: Uh, a bad chromosome actually. It's what they call a recessive genetic defect. Michael: [To himself] That's why they want you. Laurie: [As she keeps the sweater back in the box] What? Michael: [To Laurie] Nothing. Laurie: [Pulling out a worn wedding dress from the same box] This is Grandma's. I never met her. Michael: What was her name? Laurie: Ada-Jane. She's dad too. [Sighing, he scratches his eyebrow, then stops self-consciously when he notices Laurie staring.] Laurie: Can't fight who we are Michael. You're Grandpa's legacy, and [her voice dropping] I'm crazy. Michael: [Pulling Laurie by the shoulders to face him] You are NOT crazy. What happened to you was REAL. I mean, you have a right to live your life. Bobby and Meredith have tried to take that away from you, but it's yours. Just like this house is yours. Now look, I'm not what you would call an optimist. Life sucks. People suck. That's reality. But you're special. You're a good person and you deserve better than to be locked up in an institution because it's more convenient for your aunt and uncle. This is YOUR life, and this is YOUR house. [Michael's words seem to sink into Laurie.] [Scene: UFO Center - exterior and nighttime. Cuts to the interior where Isabel has entered Brody's secret room.] Isabel: [Locating the equipment needed] Oh! [She starts to dismantle the equipment when a masked stranger comes from behind to cover her mouth with a chloroform-filled napkin. Isabel struggles, but soon passes out. The stranger then pulls off his mask -- it's Grant Sorenson.] [Scene: Highway - nighttime. A vehicle is driving along the road. Camera cuts to the interior of the car to show Grant driving, and Isabel lying unconscious in the passenger seat. He reaches over to touch Isabel, but suddenly pulls back as he seems to struggle with himself.] Grant: Things I know. Two times two is four. Gato is Spanish for cat. My middle name is Ellis. [As Isabel stirs] A mineral with a high Mohs number will scratch a mineral with a low number. The scale is not linear. [Isabel is now fully awake and looks at Grant as he looks back at her.] Isabel: [Softly] Grant... Grant: [His speech becoming slurred] I'm not doing so good Isabel. That Agent...from the FBI... Isabel: Agent Duff? Grant: Y...I know her name! Okay?! I know things!! She said I went to Wyoming. She asked if I stole a gn there. I DON'T REMEMBER! When I try to remember, it just gets worse. [His voice beginning to break with panic] You're the only one I trust Isabel. You have to help me. Isabel: [Looking towards the back] Okay. [In a stronger voice] Okay, I will. Just pull the car over and we'll get you some fresh air. Grant: Did I get sht? Huh? ISABE: That WAS you. Grant: When'd I get these scratches on my neck? I don't know. Here's another one: Why am I driving to Tucson? I DON'T KNOW! [In a piteous voice] Help me Isabel...PLEASE. [Drifting off again] Things I know. My birthday is December seventh. Sedimentary rocks cover 75 percent of the earth's land surface... 75 percent of the earth's land surface... [Commercial break. Scene returns to the car, with Grant a little calmer now] Isabel: When did this all start happening? Grant: Hard to say. Uh, I uh, have gaps in time. I think it was...when I started digging out near Pohlman Ranch...some time last summer. Found these weird crystals... Isabel: Oh my God. Oh God, Larek said there was a Queen. Grant: What? Isabel: Oh God...Look, Grant. You're going to be alright. Your body has been...has been taken over by something. Grant: What kind of...thing? Isabel: It's hard to explain, but it must have happened when you were digging. God, it was the Gandarium. They must have been in the water tab... Grant: [Losing his cool and shouting] I don't know what that means, okay?! I'm losing it here! Isabel: Grant... Grant: Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person... Isabel: I know. Grant: [Looking at Isabel] Do you? Isabel: Yes. Grant: [Starts to shiver and shake uncontrollably] I have to kll you, but I don't wanna. There's a cell phone in my coat pocket. Grab the phone Isabel. NOW. Isabel: Okay, okay. [She looks around the car nervously as Grant pulls over to the side of the road and tries to plead with him] Grant... Grant: Get out of the car. Isabel: No. Grant: [Shouting] GET OUT OF THE CAR!! Isabel: [Unbuckling her seat belt and nearly tearing up] I can't help you if you don't... Grant: Please...get out of the car. Isabel: [As she gets out] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry! [Grant drives off] [Scene: Valenti household. The kitchen phone rings and Jim hurries to pick it up. Intercut with scenes of Isabel still out in the pouring rain, along the highway where Grant dropped her off.] Jim: Hello. Isabel: Oh, Sheriff Valenti, thank God. Thank God. Grant is definitely the kidnapper, but it's not his fault. The Queen...and it possessed him somehow. Jim: Possessed by the what?! Isabel: The crystals. The...the aliens. The important thing is he's after Laurie and he'll be in Tucson in a few hours. [As Jim scribbles down the details] You have to stop him. Jim: Alright. Wait a minute, where are you? Isabel: He left me by the side off the road somewhere. But don't worry. I'll...I'll find a ride. Jim: What do you mean ‘you'll get a ride'? You can't get into a car with just anybody... Isabel: Sheriff, I am the last person on Earth who has to worry about getting into a car with strangers. Trust me. Just get to Laurie before he does. PLEASE. Jim: Isabel... Isabel: Sheriff...Sheriff... Jim: Isabel...Hello? Hel... [Heavy static break up their connections.] [Scene: Nighttime Frazier Woods. It's raining cats and dogs with thunder and lightning. Max, Liz and Tess are furiously digging to free the two trapped in the cave. Scene switches to the interior where Alex and Kyle are singing to entertain themselves. Kyle is also playing with a piece of the crystal and a glass bottle.] [Colin Hanks & Nick Wechsler - American Pie] Alex/Kyle: [Singing] February made me shiver/With ever paper I'd deliver [Kyle places the crystal into the bottle] ...Bad news on the doorstep/I couldn't take one more step [Kyle lights a match and watches it burn] ...I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride/But something touched me deep inside the day the music died... Kyle: [Places the still glowing match into the bottle and screws on the cap] Die sucker. Alex/Kyle: So bye, bye Miss American Pie [Kyle places the bottle to one side and forgets about it] ...drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry/Them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye/Singin' this'll be the day that I die [As the enclosed crystal suddenly goes into a frenzy] ...This will be the day that I d... Kyle: [Getting up from his seat with the commotion] Man, look at that! Alex: Woah! Oh my God! Kyle: What? [They stare at the piece of crystal that has seemed to die.] Alex: Look at that... [Scene switches to Liz listening to Kyle over the cell phone.] Liz: [Over the rolling thunder] Wai...Okay, wait, wait, let me get this straight. You said uh, that you used a bottle? Kyle: Yeah. Liz: Was the cap ON or OFF? Kyle: Well, I put it on, then it tried to escape. Liz: ‘Kay, but you were heating it the whole time. And the crystals died once you put the cap on. Kyle: Yeah, just after, yeah. Liz: ‘Kay, well. That's it. You brned all of the oxygen in the bottle and suffocated it. [Kyle raises a fist to Alex as a sign of hope.] Tess: Then...then all we need to do is get the oxygen out of there. Max: And then THEY die too. [Liz and Tess stare at Max, realizing the futility of their situation.] [Scene: Dupree Estate - nighttime. Laurie's swimming in the pool, while Maria and Michael are sitting by the poolside on lawn chairs in white, fluffy bathrobes watching her ] Maria: I can't believe she's actually smiling. What did you say to her? MICHAEL: I just listened to her. [Maria smiles at him] What do you think I should call her? Grand-daughter? DNA clone? Maria: I'd go with sister. The whole grand-daughter thing really creeps me out. Michael: [As he stares at Laurie swimming happily in the pool] I have a sister. That is so weird. Maria: Oh! By the way, Meredith and Bobby are EVIL. They're EE-VIL!! They PAID Pinecrest to keep Laurie out of their hair. Can you believe they would ruin her life so that they could live here like rich bastards? MICHAEL: Shallow, shallow people. [As Carmen comes from behind with the phone on a silver platter for Michael] Maria: Mm-hmm. Michael: Carmen. [Turns then just in time to see her] I think it's kind of a Braveheart night, and tell the kitchen we'll be ready to dine at about 7. CARMEN: Yes sir. This one is for you sir. [Placing the phone before him] Michael: [Reaching for the phone] Thank you. [Into the phone] Hello? [Intercut with scenes of the gng at Frazier Woods] Max: [Off-screen] Michael, it's Max. [As Tess and Liz continue digging] The crystals can't live without oxygen. Michael: [Off-screen] Okay. Max: That's how we can stop it. Michael: Well, I got a newsflash for you Maxwell. There are no crystals around here. Max: So Laurie's safe? Michael: She's under my constant watch. I'm not even sleeping. [Off-screen] How are things with you? Max: Tired. It's been a long couple of days. Michael: Yeah, tell me about it. [Carmen approaches with the DVD player] Max: [Off-screen] It's been raining pretty hard here. Michael: [To Carmen as he takes the player] Thank you. Max: [Off-screen] Morale's a little low. Michael: Ah...Max, I gotta take another patrol round the perimeter... Max: [Off-screen] Talk later. Michael: Okay. [Hangs up, then turns around] Oh, Carmen. Can I get some iced tea please? [Indicating to Maria] For the both of us? [Michael and Maria settle down to watch the DVD] [Scene: Sheriff's Office - interior. Agent Duff's doing some paperwork when Jim enters.] Jim: We need a plane. Duff: [A shocked expression on her face] Pardon me? Jim: Sorenson is halfway to Tucson. We gotta get there before he does. DUFF: How do you know this? Jim: Listen, we work together or we don't. You gotta trust me. We HAVE to get to Tucson now. Duff: I'll call the Arizona Field Office and tell them we need back up. [She reaches for the phone, but Jim stops her.] Jim: No. Agent Duff, there's something you that need to know. [She hangs up the phone] Before this is over, you may see some things you won't be able to explain. As a matter of fact, you won't WANT to. [Bending down to see her eye to eye] You told me once, you appreciated honesty. Well, here it is. If you tell the Bureau what we're about to do, you kll your career. Duff: [Sitting back in her chair] What are you talking about? Jim: You gotta trust me. You'll follow my lead and be VERY selective with what you put in your final report. [Standing up and handing her the phone] Now get us a plane. [Scene: Dupree Residence - Dining Room. Half the room has windows with a single crystal chandelier hanging over the dining table. Michael's seated to the left end of the table, Maria to the right, and Laurie in the center facing the screen. They having a feast of a dinner] Maria: This fish is delightful. Michael, isn't this food delightful? MICHAEL: [Talking with his mouth full] It's delightful. Laurie: Yeah, this is the first time I've felt at home at this dinner table since my grandfather died. Michael: Chicken's tasty but it's kinda puny. Meredith: [Entering with Robert in formal wear] It's not chicken. It's squab stuffed with foie gras and black truffles with a pinot noir glaze. BOBBY: Oh my God, they're using the good crystal. Meredith: We have a charity event at the Governor's Residence and it's the staff's night off. But I've asked them to prepare a full seven-course extravaganza in hopes it will keep you two from snooping around in anymore of our personal effects. Maria: Aw, thank you, Mer. Bobby: And please keep in mind that you're having your soda pop out of nineteenth century Bavarian Crystal. Michael: I'll keep that in mind Bobby. [Meredith and Bobby head for the door as Michael release a loud burp] Meredith: [Under her breath as they exit] Please, God. Let at least one of them choke on a pigeon bone. Maria: I think she's right. I'm gonna need another root beer. [She rings a little bell near her plate] Carmen! Um, I think the um, the pint noir glaze is getting me a little dry. Could you haul over another root beer please? [Smiles cheerfully at Michael wolfing down his food] Haul it over. [When she gets no response, she rings the bell again...agitatedly] CARMEN! [Starts on her food again] Michael...Could you be a dear and see about the beverage situation? Michael: I'm eating. Maria: [Sends him a dark look] Michael... [Scene: Michael exits the dining area and heads for the kitchen. When he enters, the place is darkened and he makes out Carmen's form sitting on a chair facing away from him.] Michael: [Just exiting the dining room] Carmen...[Entering the kitchen and moving to face her] Carmen... [Michael's face registers shock and horror as he finds Carmen dad with her throat slashed.] [Scene switches back to the Dupree dining room. Michael returns to the room nervously and gathers the girls.] Maria: [Seeing Michael's return] Hey, I thought you were gonna go get the um... Michael: [Pulling Maria by her arm off her chair] Get up. Maria: [Sensing his panic] What's going on? Michael: [Moving towards Laurie] Take her some place safe right now. LAURIE: [Bolting off her chair] Oh my God. They're here... Michael: [Catching hold of Laurie by the arms] Woah, Laurie, Laurie. It's alright, I'm gonna take care of it. [To Maria] Take her now. Maria: Okay, what are you gonna do? Michael: Just go! Maria: Michael! Michael: Maria... [Maria rushes out of the room with Laurie.] [Scene: Michael moves out into the hallway via another entrance. He starts moving down the hallway - towards the camera - looking for the intruder. Hearing a sound coming from behind him, he turns. Camera reverses angle to reveal an empty hallway as Michael moves towards the sound. Looking up the nearby stairs, Michael is suddenly sht from behind. As he crumples to the ground, we see that the intruder is Grant. Tucking the gn into his belt, he seeks out the girls.] [Scene: Deserted highway. Isabel has managed to flag down a ride.] Isabel: [To unseen driver] Hi, can I just get a ride to Tucson? [Scene: Dupree residence - bmb shelter. Maria and Laurie are running down the stairs to get to the shelter before Grant can chase up with them. They try to close the badly rusted door to slow down Grant.] Maria: [Pushing on the door] Help me Laurie! [As the girls struggle with the door] It's stuck! [Scene: Dupree residence - kitchen. Jim and Agent Duff have just entered and discovered Carmen's body. They draw their gn and make their further progress with caution. They discover the bloodied Michael lying in the hallway with a shoulder bllet wound.] Jim: [Crouching beside the injured guy] Michael... Michael: [With difficulty] They're back there...Back there! GO! [Jim and Agent Duff leave him in the hallway while they look for Grant and the girls.] [Scene: bmb Shelter. Maria and Laurie are still struggling with the door just as Grant makes his way down the stairs. Holding up the gn, Grant enters as the girls back further into the room.] Maria: Grant! Grant! Hey it's me, Maria DeLuca. I'm Isabel's friend. Really, really good friend. [As Grants lunges for Laurie] No wait... [Laurie screams as Grant catches her by her hair and holds her hostage to the just arriving Jim and Agent Duff.] Jim: [Holding his aim on Grant] Sorenson! You don't wanna do this... DUFF: Put the gn down and step away from the girl. Laurie: [Weeping] Don't let him put me back in the ground... Duff: No one's going anywhere. Put the gn down NOW. Grant: [Releasing a cry of pain] I wanna but I can't! You have to stop me! Jim: [Approaching Grant very, VERY slowly] Listen to me...We're gonna help you, I promise. Just put the gn down. [Grant drops Laurie as a sudden pain sht through his head. Laurie quickly crawls to Jim and co.] Jim: Good, good. Now just drop the gn. Everything will be alright. GRANT: [Shaking his head to try to clear his head] No! NO! You have to kll me. Jim: Grant, I'm gonna help you. [Gradually lowering his own gn] I promise, you can trust me. Look, I'm gonna walk over there. [As he takes a step towards Grant] See? Grant: Ah, ah! IT'S GOT TO STOP! [He raises his gn to open fre and Agent Duff sh*t him first] [Grant collapses on one of the bed, facing up. As Laurie tries to recover from shock, Agent Duff approaches Grant's body warily with her gn still raised.] Jim: [To the girls] You alright? [Just as Agent Duff reaches out a hand to check for a pulse, Grant's chest cavity opens up to reveal a cluster of Gandarium crystals. This causes everyone to scramble in fright. A shape starts to emerge from the cluster as the group watch on, frozen in fear. Michael, just coming down the stairs, shouts for everyone to get out of the room.] Michael: Everybody out! NOW! NOW! Jim: [When Agent Duff remains frozen to the spot] Come on! [They close the door, locking the jellyfish-shaped object that has formed] Maria: Okay, whatever you're gonna do, do it quick! That thing looks pissed! [Michael raises his uninjured arm to the ventilation shaft by the door and uses his powers to draw all the air out of the bmb shelter. The Gandarium object starts pinballing around the room.] Jim: [To Michael] What did you do? Michael: Max said they need oxygen to live. So I just sucked all the air out. [As the humans and alien watch on, the Gandarium Jellyfish charges at the door like a crazed bull, only to smash into a pulpy mess on the window of the door.] Michael: Simple. Laurie: So it's...it's over? Jim: Guess that depends on what happens to the rest of the crystals. [Scene: Inside the Gandarium cave. Alex and Kyle are lying on the ground, head to head, shining their flashlights around their enclosed space.] Alex: So this is how it ends... Kyle: Somehow this is NOT how I pictured it. Alex: It was hell of a ride though. Kyle: I guess. Alex: I mean, think about it. We not only MET aliens, but they klled us. [As Kyle turns his flashlight on Alex] How many people can say that? KYLE: You're getting delirious, is that it? Alex: Nah, take...take a step away from your life, Kyle. You know, I mean, you're part of this...this amazing thing. This...amazing knowledge that you HAVE that 6 BILLION people on this planet don't. You really want to step out of this cave if it meant that you were gonna be another dumb jock? Kyle: [After some silence] You know what, I wouldn't. [The crystals start to melt. Alex is the first to notice, then Kyle releases a sharp shout of horror as some of the liquid drips on him] Kyle: Ah, ah!! [Jumping to an upright sitting position] They're attacking! Oh no!! Alex: No, no no no no no. No no no no no. They...they're...they're...they're dying. [Beginning to break into joyous laughter] They're...they're dying. Kyle: [Uncertainly] Dying? Alex: They're dying! Kyle: I mean...[Raising his hands in triumph] DYING! Alex: Dying! [Scene: Frazier Woods - nighttime outside of the Gandarium cave where Liz, Max and Tess are still digging to create another opening for Alex and Kyle. The two guys suddenly pop out of the opening formerly covered by the crystals, covered in mud. The girls start shrieking as they help the guys out.] Kyle: I'm back! Alex: [Reaching up to Max and Liz] Pull me up! [As Max and he stare at one another in joy] I love you man! Liz: Wait, wait, wait. What happened? What happened? What happened? KYLE: I'll tell you what must have happened. Liz: Okay… Kyle: Since Alex and I figured out how to kll the queen, and Max told Michael, Michael must have klled the queen. So all the crystals died. And they fell on us cos they're dad. Which means we must have saved the world! Alex: Yeah! [The group release whoops of joy and hi-five one another] I think our job here is done... and I need to take a shower. Liz: Let's go home!! Come on! Come on! Grab the shovel! Let's go! Let's go! [They run off towards the cars] [Scene: bmb shelter. Grant's body is still lying on the bed where he collapsed after getting sh*t. Isabel opens the door and enters. She grabs a blanket lying on the bed nearby and covers Grant's body with it. She crouches down by the wall near him.] Isabel: [Heaving a deep, sad sigh] Oh God, I'm sorry. [After a long pause] I'm just gonna sit for a while, okay? Just sit here so you're not...alone. [Scene: Dupree kitchen. Jim and Agent Duff are sitting by the counter, having drinks and discussing all that has transpired.] Duff: So looks like I have two options. Tell the truth about everything I've seen, or write a false report and commit a felony. Jim: Not very attractive options. Duff: [Sighing] I know. Jim: I always took a very legal approach to my job. If I couldn't put it in a report, or swear to it in a court of law, in MY mind [Looking meaningfully at Agent Duff] it never happened. Duff: Just walk away? Jim: [Nodding slightly] That would be my advice. Sometimes it's better just to walk away with your victories. [Scene: Dupree Dining Room. Maria is tenderly tending to Michael's shoulder wound.] Maria: Brave...[Kiss on the forehead] Handsome...[Kiss on the nose] hero...[Kiss on the lips]. Michael: [Wincing slightly at the pain] Wounded hero. I gotta get back to Roswell...let Maxwell work on that shoulder. Maria: Alright, whenever you're ready, Spaceboy. Michael: Maria, let me ask you something. Maria: Mm. Michael: [Obviously having a lot on his mind] What would you think if Laurie moved in with me? [Maria's face registers shock, but she holds her tongue as he continues] I mean, like we said, she's kind of my sister. Maria: She is. Michael: Yeah...but after all she's been through, she probably needs some peace and quiet. Maria: Probably. Michael: And a chance to get away from all the alien stuff and...if she lived with me...well...I'm kinda a magnet for the intergalactic trouble. Maria: Yeah… Michael: What's gonna happen to her? We can't leave her here with these freaks. Maria: Well, that's something we can handle. All we need is a lawyer. [She kisses him] [In the Dupree living room. Robert, Laurie and Meredith are seated facing a lawyer while Michael and Maria are standing by the fireplace watching the proceedings. The lawyer hands out documents for Robert and Meredith to sign.] [Scene swithces to the exterior of the Dupree Estate where Michael and Maria are leaving hand in hand, with Laurie watching them go.] [Scene switches to Michael's apartment. Camera shows a picture of Laurie and a hand reaching out for the photo. Camera pans away to reveal Michael turning the photo frame to get a better look. Episode ends with Maria and Michael sharing a hug while looking at Laurie's photo ]	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x14 - How The Other Half Lives"}	foreverdreaming
"Viva Las Vegas" Episode: 15 37th Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA15 Written by: Gretchen Berg, Aaron Harberts Original Air Date: Wednesday February 26, 2000 Episode begins with Maria standing in front of a blackboard, recounting recent events Maria (in front of chalkboard): So there's been some confusion... okay a lot of confusion. And uh, the only person who's gonna get you there is me, so let's review, okay? Fantastic. She picks up a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the blackboard. Maria: This is their planet, off in the middle of the universe somewhere. She draws another circle Maria: This is our planet, Earth. Their planet (points to first circle); Earth (points to second circle). With me so far? Fantastic. All right, the aliens. Max (picture), Michael or Spaceboy (picture) as I like to call him, Isabel (picture) and Tess (picture). They landed here in 1947. They gestated in these really gross pods for 40 years. And then they, uh, sort of hatched. Now there's only a few of us humans who know about them - Liz (picture), Alex (picture), Kyle (picture), Kyle's dad (picture), and me (picture with short hair) I hate that picture (change of picture with long hair) better. All right, what you need to know about them. They have special powers, of course. They use Tabasco sauce by the crate. And trying to have a relationship with them, it's like su1c1de. I mean it... it's like typical bad relationship stuff, but even weirder. For instance there's this one time when future Max told Liz that she needed to break up with the present Max, or else the world would end. So she did. But she ended up missing out all this romance stuff that they would've done, like eventually eloping and getting married in Las Vegas. (pause) Speaking of Las Vegas... Max and Michael are running in the dark, through the halls at school. They hide behind some lockers. Max: I think we lost them. Michael: Are you sure? (Nervous) Max: Not really Michael: Where's Isabel? Max: She's gone, Michael. Now pull it together or we're gonna to be next. Michael: Okay, okay, what - what do they want from us? Max: We need a plan. We can't fly by the seat of our pants anymore. Michael: (nervous) They gotta want something. Maybe we can talk to them. Max: It's time to step it up. Face the demon. No more hiding. Michael: What are you talking about? He turns around to look for them and when he turns back Max is gone Michael: Max! Maxwell? We see people dressed like the S.W.A.T team, pointing gn at Michael, he's really scared Michael: No, please, no! They start shting at him, and he wakes up, gasping for air, touching his chest to check on the bllet holes. He realizes it was just a dream and gets out of bed, goes into the kitchen, and smashes the refrigerator. He then grabs a paper bag and pulls out the money he got from the Duprees. Max's bedroom window flies open, he wakes up a little bit scared, and sees Michael Max: What's going on? Michael: We are leaving; that's what's going on. You and I-- we're getting out of this town for a couple of days. Max: What? Why? What's wrong? Michael: I need a road trip. I gotta clear out the cobwebs. Max: What the hell are you talking about? Michael: I'm talking about getting out of this two-bit town for a couple of days and having some fun. Is there something wrong about that? Max: No, there's nothing wrong with that. You wanna tell me what's really going on. (He turns the light on) Michael: Nightmares, Maxwell. I can't shake them; I've had them every night for two weeks. I mean my brain needs a vacation, or I swear to God I'm going to lose it on someone or something, and it's not gonna to be pretty. Max: Okay, we'll take a vacation Michael: Yeah, today, now, let's go, out of town Max: Today? But ... we need a plan. Michael: Screw the plan, let's just go. Max: Michael, you gotta trust me here. Michael: Oh come on. Max: We need a cover story, so no one looks for us. So first we'll go to school.... Michael: I cannot make it through another day of school. Max: Look ... just give me sometime so cover our tracks and we're out of here. Okay? Michael: Okay, okay, okay. (He sits on the couch, and Max sits in his bed) Max: So... where are we going anyway? Michael: You're gonna love it. It's a place without rules, without responsibilities, a place where we can forget about our troubles, it's a city of dreams Max: (with a face of "what") Which would be... Michael: Vegas... we're going to Vegas baby We see Max and Michael walking in school Max: You know, you don't have to blow the whole 50 G's in one trip, Michael. We could take $10,000 and still have a good time. Michael: I don't want the money, not one thin dime. Max: But just think about it for a minute. You could use that cash to build your future. Michael: The money was a bribe, it's tainted. You don't build your future on that. Besides I think it's haunting me. I wanna get rid of it. Max: Michael, be reasonable. Michael: (Shouting) Hey!, I'm not gonna be reasonable. This isn't a reasonable day in my life. Max: Ok, ok. That's a lot of cash to keep in your locker. We see Michael using his powers to lock it Michael: I defy the National Guard to open it. Now go ahead and make a plan for our escape, and then let's go. Isabel: (walking up) Go where? Michael: Nowhere. Meet me in the lounge in fifth period and have a plan. Michael leaves, and Max and Isabel start walking through the hall Isabel: Where are you going fifth period? Max: We're ... going to Vegas. Isabel: "We". Max: Michael and I. It's really for him, he needs a break. Isabel: And I don't? Do I really have to give you the list of all the things that I have had to deal with lately? Max: No. Isabel: Then I'm sure I don't have to stand here and convince you that if anyone needs a break it's your loving sister, who has asked for so little and given so much. Max: No. Isabel: And I'm sure that whatever plan you come up with will work just as easily for 3 as it will for 2, right? Max: It will now. Isabel: Fabulous, I'll see you in the lounge later. Michael and Kyle are in Spanish class Teacher: ¿Dónde est´ Felipe? Class: Felipe esta en la cocina. Kyle throws a piece of paper at Michael Kyle: What you reading? Michael: (showing Kyle a book about gambling) Vegas, baby. Kyle: You're going. Michael: Si Teacher: ¿Y qué hace Felipe en la cocina? Kyle responds while flipping through the book Class: Felipe come huevos. Kyle: When? Michael: Fifth period, Max is making plans. Kyle: Do you have room for one more. Michael: Sorry, aliens only, you understand. Kyle takes some money out of his shirt pocket Kyle: Put a quarter on red for me. Teacher: (To Kyle) Pepe ¿qué pasa? She confiscates the gambling book Teacher: Hmmm, detención. Los huevos son buenos. Class: Los comemos con salsa. Kyle: (to Michael) Triple it, or die. Tess is walking down the hall, and Kyle catches up with her Kyle: Hey, hey, hey. Even though you held out on me, I'll cover with Dad, in exchange for a dime on black. Tess: Did somebody step on your head in gym? Kyle: Hey, knock it off. I'm talking about your "Martians-only" field trip to Vegas. Tess: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm not going to Vegas. Kyle: Oh, maybe it's a surprise. (They pass Maria, who's looking in another direction) Max and Michael are organizing the whole thing. Tess: Really? Where did you hear that. We see Maria turning around. Then we see her with Michael walking to the patio for lunch Michael: You can't come Maria: Why? Michael: Because things are gonna happen that the faint of the heart shouldn't see. Maria: Oh, please! Besides how are you paying for this trip anyway? Michael: The Dupree's money. Maria: That's $50,000 Michael. Michael: Yeah, and I'm gonna spend every cent of it. Maria: Oh really? Okay, where are you staying? Michael: I got a double on the clean & cheap. Maria: Okay, how about food? Michael: There's some buffets I want to check out. Maria: Okay, you're up to about $37. What else? (Michael is quiet) Come on. Nobody can spend money like I can spend money. You need me on this trip, Michael. Michael: All right, tag along. But you are coming in a completely professional capacity only. This isn't some kissy-kissy romantic retreat. I have stuff to do. Maria: (Very happy) Thank you, thank you. (she kisses him on the cheek) Michael: Hey, hey. Don't go telling everybody, and let's keep this low profile. Seriously! Maria starts walking fast, and the she begins to run Maria is talking to Liz in the science lab Maria: I booked a suite at the Bali Hai hotel and casino. Amenities include marble statuary, world-class shopping and lighted tennis courts. Liz: Vegas just isn't my idea of fun. Maria: The pool has a water slide. Liz: I'm sorry. Maria: In the shape of a giant flamingo. Please come with me to Vegas, Liz. Michael is gonna be off doing some dumb guy thing, and I really need a gal pal. Liz: No. Maria: Please. Liz: Maria, the reason I'm not going to Vegas... is because I was married there. Maria: What? Liz: Yes, when future Max came, he told me. We got married in Vegas at the Elvis chapel, and it was the most romantic night of our lives. So basically, I don't want to go Vegas -- ever. Maria: All right, you know what? There's a lesson to be learned here. What happened between you and Max is unspeakably intense, but the marriage thing never actually really happened, so you've gotta let go of it. You've got to create your own memories, and that's what we're gonna do in Vegas with Michael's money. Alex arrives Alex: Ohh, I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning. Maria: Alex, pop quiz. If you were given the chance would you rather a) Dissect pig babies. Liz: Embryos. Maria: Or b) get an all-expense-paid trip to Vegas. Alex: When do we leave? Maria: Today after fifth period. Come on, Liz, all the cool kids are doing it. Liz: I would really appreciate if you would respect my decision. Maria: (starts singing) Viva Las Vegas. Liz: Maria Maria: Viva, viva Las Vegas. Liz: Maria Maria: Viva Las Vegas. Liz looks at Alex, but Alex has nothing to say, obviously he thinks like Maria Michael is walking down the hall and Tess catches up with him Tess: Michael, hey, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Kyle on our trip to Vegas, 'cause you know, he's been really a stand-up guy, and he did, technically, save the world from the crystals and everything. Michael: (Looks at Tess with a "what") "Our" trip? Tess: Yeah, and I just wanted to let you know, too, that when I first moved to town I felt like a complete outsider, you know, no friends, barely any family, but you really helped me feel welcome. And this trip you know -- wow! (she jumps up and down) It's just so great of you to organize it for us all, and we can all use some time away, plus, I've always wanted to go to Vegas! So can I tell Kyle it's okay? Michael: Sure I'm glad to have him. And you, by the way. Tess: Thank you. Liz is in the science lab, putting some stuff inside the science tubes. She keeps glancing at the clock and finds herself humming Viva Las Vegas Liz: Mm - mmm Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas, Viva... Scene cuts to Michael opening his locker and taking out the bag of money. He starts walking down the hall and as he turns the corner he sees the whole gng, except Max and Liz, and a chauffeur holding a sign that says "Guerin Party") Michael: This is low-profile? Maria: Don't you love that little hat? Max: (walking up behind him, and speaking in the principal's voice) Going somewhere, Mr. Guerin? (regular voice) Pretty good Principal Forrester, huh? Michael: Yeah, you're a riot. What's the plan? Max: At this very moment, the debate team is leaving for a two-day meet in Santa Fe. According to this piece of paper, we're going with them. If anybody asks, our original oral topic was "Space Travel: Wave of the Future or Misbegotten Dream?" Alex: Catchy. Michael: All right, let's go. As everybody begins to walk away, we see Liz running towards them Liz: Hey! You got room for one more? Maria: Oh, I'm so proud of you. (She hugs her) Max: Yeah, (a little shocked) but let's get out of the hall before someone starts asking questions. Michael stops Liz with his arm Michael: No lecturing, no moralizing, no whining about spending money on the homeless. This weekend it's about fun and debauchery. You got it? Liz: Yeah. I know how to have fun. Michael: Right. We start seeing images of Vegas with "Viva Las Vegas" playing in the background Bellboy: Here we are ... the presidential suite. You've got 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, state-of-the-art entertainment system, 6 person jacuzzi (Maria takes money from Michael's bag) heated to a toasty 102. Is there anything else I could get you folks (Maria gives him his tip) Uh ... thanks. I'll go get you some ice. Maria: (Screeching) Tess: (Running) I bet they have towel warmer. Kyle: Let's see about some in-house prn. Michael: Hold on! Line up, ID's out. This town has some restrictions about having fun. I'm gonna fix that. You are no longer high school students from Roswell, New Mexico-- you are of-age party machines. Michael uses his powers to change the birthdates on the ID's Michael: These are your aliases. You will use these aliases for the duration of our trip. Sound off. Kyle: Okay, Harvey Wallbanger. Tess: Piña Colada. Alex: Tom Collins. Isabel: Brandy Alexander. Maria: Margarita Salt. Liz: Shirley Temple. Max: Rob Roy Michael: And I'm your host, Dr. Love. Everybody: (Stifling laughter) Michael: Since I'm sponsoring this operation, you will follow my rules. Your bank is 3 grand. This cash is to be spent here. There is no hoarding it. Rule number 2 - and this is the biggie. Rob Roy and Dr. Love run alone. You see us at a table, you find another one. If there's no other questions ... then go out and clobber the house. Alex runs first, then Kyle, then Isabel, the Tess and then Maria. Max approaches Liz Max: I was uh ... I was kind of surprised to see you were down for this kind of trip. Liz: Oh, oh, well, you know, I could say the same thing to you. Max: I'm only here for Michael. He's uh ... he's kinda going through something. I just wanna keep an eye on him. Liz: Oh! So this is not a vacation for you. Max: It's the last place I'd wanna take a vacation. Liz: Yeah, me too. I'm just here for Maria. Michael: Hey Shirley. Didn't you hear the Dr's orders? Liz: Yeah, I'm sorry. We were just ... Michael: Good, yeah, cool, good. Bye (he pushes her towards the door) Liz: Okay. (Leaving) Bye. Michael: Oh, she's exhausting. (To Max) It's pretty swanky huh? Max: Yeah, it's great. Michael: I mean... time for fun. Pick your poison. Blackjack, craps, roulette. Max: Yeah, yeah, whatever you want. Michael: That's not the spirit I'm looking for Robbie. But don't worry, Dr. Love will show you the way. We see the casino, the games, the people, and the 4 girls walking together Tess: This is so cool. Isabel: Hey. What should we do first? Maria is on her cell phone Liz: I think we should try and play a game. Maria: Ok. I'm set. I just booked a salt scrub at the spa. Liz: Wait, wait. What happened to needing a gal pal? Maria: I'll be an hour tops. Have fun, guys. Isabel: Okay, bye. Okay ladies let's just dive in. Isabel walks in without a problem, but the security guard stops Liz and Tess Security Guard: Excuse me, can I see some identification? Tess: Sure. Security Guard: Nice try, girls, the video arcade is that way. Tess: Uh, excuse me, we're 21. Security Guard: Yeah and I'm charo. Tess: You know, I'm sure we can find another form of I.D. in here somewhere. Liz: We are 17 years old. (laughs nervously) Tess: Mm - hmm. Good job. Liz: I'm sorry, very, very sorry. They leave, and then we see Isabel, Kyle and Alex in a blackjack table Isabel: Show me how it works. Kyle: All right. You put your bet here. And the point is to get to 21. Kings are worth 10, so you get another card, now you've got 16, so another card, now you go to 25, and he takes your money away. Isabel: Gee! What a great game. Thank you. Kyle: I'm sorry, you have to play more than one hand. Isabel: Kyle, this is math, not exactly what I'm looking for in a vacation. Kyle: Well, this is the gambling capital of the world. What are you looking for? Isabel: I guess I'll know when I see it. Later. Kyle: All right. Alex: She is right you know. It's math. More precisely, AP Statistics, which dictates that an all-or-nothing strategy has the best chance of beating the house. (He bets all his money) Kyle: That makes no sense. ht me. Alex: ht me. (He loses) Kyle: You took that one in the shorts. Maria: (Coming up behind them) You will never believe what I've found in the spa locker room. Alex: Oh God. My heart hurts. Maria: A booking agent is holding auditions. Alex, Alex I need the hugest favor from you. I need an accompanist. Alex: I play the bass guitar. Maria: No, no. You could fake it in the piano. It's just some simple chorus change. It first starts off with an E and then in the bridge it goes... Alex: (Babbling, and then shouts) Maria -- I just lost $3000, all right! Maria: Alex, I'll, I'll give you $3000, if you help me get this gig. Please. Alex: The key was E, right? Maria: Right. Alex: All right. What's the tune? Max and Michael are at the dice table Strickman: Coming out. Michael: Basic rules 7 or 11 on the first roll you're golden. 2, 3 or 12 you lose your shirt. We've got a first time roller here. Max: No. You go ahead. I'll just watch. Michael: Ok, I'm gonna roll. Trust me, Max, you're gonna love this game. It's fast, it's loud, it's everything living in Roswell isn't. Here we go. (He throws the dice and he gets a 6) Strickman: 6, point 6. Michael: Okay, now if I roll a 6 we win, if I roll a 7 we go bust. 6 the hard way. (To the stickman) In for him too. (Michael rolls) Strickman: 6 hard way. Michael: Ohh! Pay the man. Maria: (Coming up behind them) Amazing news. I have an audition. Michael: Now, keep with me here folks I'm here to win and I don't see you. Maria: Hello? Don't you know what my dream has been since, like, the beginning of time? It's to start my singing career in a smoky Vegas, supper club. Michael rolls the dice and ignores Maria Strickman: 7 winner. Michael: Sweet. Maria: I'll be up on stage right? In front of a great band, and I'll belt out some torch songs, there'll be a spotlight, my makeup will be perfect. I'll have... Michael: Maria, we had an agreement. bat it. Maria: Are you not listening to me? This could be my big break, right now. Don't you want to come, and like cheer me on, and like give me a... Strickman: 7 winner. Michael: Oh! The king, ladies and gentlemen. Maria: Michael! Michael: Maria. I'm in the middle of something important. Maria leaves, disgusted. Isabel is playing the slot machines. She starts looking around her, and sees all of these couples hugging and kissing and starts feeling a little melancholic. Then she hears a woman behind her Woman: Oh! No. Isabel turns around and sees a woman in a stained wedding dress. Woman: Oh! No. Please hurry. Isabel: Are you okay? Woman: Lord help me. Wedding's in a half and hour. My maid of honor gets food poisoning from the breakfast buffet, and now some dumb Canadian slams into me with his merlot. (A waitress arrives with some water and salt, to remove the stain) Isabel: Let me try to help here. (To the waitress) Thank you. Woman: My mama told me not to elope. Isabel surreptitiously uses her power to remove the stain Isabel: Well, actually, I think we've got it out. Woman: Well honey! Aren't you just my good luck charm? What's your name? Isabel: Brandy. Woman: Brandy, that's pretty. I'm Tracy. Well it's so nice to meet you. Isabel: You too. Men: Tracy? Tracy: This is my hubby-to-be Glenn, and his best man, Dave. Dave and Isabel share a look Tracy: Brandy just saved my behind. Glenn: Hi. Isabel: (laughing) Oh! Hi it's nice to meet you. Dave: Hello. Isabel: Hi. Tracy: How's April. Dave: Hmm? Wishing she'd never tried the crab omelets. Tracy: Uhh! Perfect. Well what am I going to do now? Dave: Well, maybe Brandy is free for a couple of hours? Tracy: Brilliant Dave. Brandy, will you be my maid of honor? Isabel: Sure. Fat Man: Ok, blondie. You're up. Alex is playing the piano and Maria starts singing Fat Man: Honey. You've got some set of pipes. Maria: Well, I... Fat Man: No, I was... I was truly moved. Maria: Thank you. Fat Man: No, no. Thank you. Now take off your clothes. Maria gets a "what the hell are you saying" expression on her face Alex: Hey! Who do you think you are? You treat her like a lady! Fat Man: I'll treat her like a stripping lady, 'cause that what she's auditioning for. Alex: Give me this flyer. (To Maria) New talent, big money... Oh! Oh! B.Y.O.G-String. Max and Michael are still playing at the same table Michael: Dr. Love says give it up for 10 the hard way. (He wins) Max: You're cheating. Michael: You want to say that a little louder? I don't think the stickman heard you. Max: This isn't right, using your power like this. Michael: Thanks for the sermon, dad. Max: It's not what we came here. Michael: No! We came here to have fun, which is exactly what I'm doing. Folks this is the fourth set of dice they give me. But when you have the hot hand, you have the hot hand. Michael rolls the dice, he wins of course and everyone cheers. Max looks at the casino manager Michael: I feel an 8 coming. Max: Michael, he knows. Michael: He doesn't know anything. What's he's going to say, that I'm using my mysterious alien powers? He rolls and wins Manager: This table is closed. Michael: What is this crap? Manager: You're done. My advice is to take your winnings and move on down the strip. Max: Yeah, we will. Michael: The hell we will. I'm here to gamble. There's a table right over here. Manager: Listen, punk. Michael: Punk? Michael hits him, they push Max, and Max tries to get Michael out of the fight. Scene closes with the security guys moving in Liz and Tess are in the arcade Tess: You know what it is? It's because we're small. If we weren't so damn short, he would have totally bought that we were 21, so what I'm going to do, I'm going to mindwalk the security guard, making him think that we are 5' 10'' and then we just go in. Liz: Tess, I'm fine here in the arcade. Tess: Great. I'm stuck in the party capital of the world with Liz Parker. No, if we're feeling dangerous we could challenge a couple of 8 year boys to foosball or go for the ice capades. Liz: You know, for your information I didn't want to come to Vegas in the first place. I knew that this was going to be the most miserable trip of my life. I knew it, but I didn't listen to my instincts. And by the way Tess, I don't enjoy being stuck with you either. Tess: Fine. Liz: Good. In the presidential suite, we see Tracy and Glenn leaving, and Maria and Alex arriving Tracy: Oh! I almost forgot. (She throws her bouquet at Isabel) Bye. Glenn: Thanks for everything, Brandy. Isabel: No problem. Maria: Do I have to ask? Isabel: Tracy and Glenn just got married and I was their maid of honor. Maria: Who's that? Isabel: That's Dave. Cake? Isabel is taking a picture with Dave when the phone rings Maria: Honeymoon suite, Margarita speaking. Michael: Maria, it's me. Maria: Me who? Michael: Yeah funny. Maria: Do you know were I was tonight? I was auditioning to be a stripper. Little innocent me. Michael: Did you get the job? Maria: You don't even care. This wouldn't have happened if you have been with me. Michael: Is there someone else I can talk to? Maria: We are talking. Michael: No, I can't, I'm in jail with Maxwell. What you need to do is shut your trap and get down here and bail us out. Maria: Wait a minute. If you're in jail that means that this is your only phone call. Michael: Exactly. Maria hangs up the phone Kyle is still at the blackjack table and Alex is with him again Alex: Doesn't Buddhism disapprove of gambling? Kyle: Actually Buddha himself first coined the phrase "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run" Alex: And yours is obviously a deep and abiding spiritual faith. Maria arrives Maria: All right, boys, cash out. Kyle: You're just gonna have to back off. Alex: Yeah, grasshopper's on a roll baby. Maria: I gotta bail Max and -- if there's enough money -- Michael, out of jail. Kyle: My winnings, my money, go away. Maria: (To the dealer) He's in gambling anonymous, I'm his sponsor. Could you please help me keep this poor lost soul from further traveling the path of destruction? Dealer: (To Kyle_ I'm sorry sir. Casino policy. Kyle: (To Maria) Thank you. Maria: Thank your higher power. Kyle tries to pick up his winnings but he can't because there are too many Isabel is dancing with Dave in the room Dave: You must be a pretty high roller to afford a place like this? Isabel: It's a friend's. Dave: Oh. Is your friend a Kennedy or something? Isabel: More like a prince. Dave: Oh! I'll tell you, this has been great. Free trip, free tux, slow-dancing with a beautiful girl in a penthouse suite. Isabel: You're easy to please. Dave: You're not. Isabel: You're way ahead of the game, Dave. Do you really want to risk it all with anymore of your insightful questions? Dave: (Laughs) Well, first I have to get my sisters to work on some new material. Isabel: I think you're doing pretty good on your own. They kiss Dave: May I suggest a change of venue? Isabel: What did you have in mind? Dave: I have a hotel room up the strip. Isabel: This is a hotel room. Dave: I was thinking of something a little more private. Isabel: Well, I have to think about it. They kiss again Isabel: Ok. I thought about it. Let's go. Max and Michael in jail Max: Are we having fun yet? Michael: No, thanks to you. Max: Hey! This isn't my fault. If you hadn't been showing off-- Michael: Here we go, another lecture. Michael turns around and starts yelling Michael: Hey, everybody gather 'round your cell doors, because Max here is going to give another lecture. Man: Shut up! What's with you? Michael: What's with me? Not you, definitely not you. Max: What the hell is that supposed to mean? The only reason I came on this trip was for you. Michael: Oh yeah, out of the goodness of your big, fat, bleeding heart. You skipped out on sixth period, and you went to Vegas for poor screwed up Michael. Yeah, big hand Max (Starts clapping) Max: (Scoffs) Whatever. You're talking to yourself now, Michael, I'm done. Michael: And I'm talking to myself. Gee, Michael, why would you want to go to Vegas with Max in the first place? Sounds like a really stupid idea. Michael: No, no. See you don't get it. Max and I, we're guys, and sometimes guys just like to go out and tear it up for no good reason. Michael: But Michael, Max is no fun, he's a straight arrow, he's a responsible guy. Max: I'm here, aren't I. Michael: (To Max) This is a private conversation. Michael: As I was saying, Michael, it's like this: Max and I, we used to be tight. We grew up together, and it's no big deal that we can go out and have fun for a couple of days, we used to be friends. Max: Oh! Give me a break. (He stands up) This isn't about friendship. This is about your irresponsible, reckless behavior. Michael: (He stands up too) Hey! I've been going through some heavy stuff the last couple of weeks. In case you missed it, I got sht. Max: I know, I healed you. Michael: You put your hand over my shoulder and you did your little trick like a robot. You're a machine, Max. You wouldn't know the first thing about what it takes to heal me. To really heal me. Max, Michael and Maria arrive back at the hotel room after she's bailed them out. Max picks up the phone and dials, Michael sits down and turns on the TV. Maria is trying to figure out what's going on Max: Yeah, when's the next flight to Roswell? Nothing sooner than that? (He hangs up the phone) Maria: Michael, make him stay. (Maria walks toward Max) No, no, wait, please, please, don't go. I'm, I'm blwing the rest of Michael's cash on a beautiful expensive dinner. I've even taken care of what everyone's wearing. Michael: He's not invited anymore. Maria looks at Michael and Max looks at her Max: Thanks, but I'm just gonna go home. (He leaves) Michael: Finally my vacation can begin. (He gets up from the couch) Liz is still playing in the arcade. Max walks up behind her. Max: Not bad. Liz: Oh, well, yeah. Yeah after playing 6 hours and a 1000 quarters, you sort of get a rhythm going. Max: Yeah, I heard you were down here. I just want to let you know I'm leaving. Liz: Oh! Is everything okay? Max: Yeah, yeah. It's just... Vegas. Kinda make your skin crawl. Liz: Yeah. (She looks at the "Elvis Chapel" poster) I mean, who would ever want to get married in an Elvis Chapel, right? Max: (Looks at the poster also) Not me. Not in this lifetime. Liz: (distracted) Yeah... Max: Well, I've got a plan to catch, so... Liz: Yeah, right. Max: See you in Roswell, Liz. Liz: Yeah. Max is waiting for a cab outside. When the cab arrives, a bride and groom get out. Max turns around to look at them, and he has a vision of Liz and him just married and looking happy. Max slowly gets in the cab. In the next scene we hear a band playing, people dancing, and then we see everyone, except Max and Isabel, all dressed up and seated at a table. Maria: Now this is the Vegas that I love. Alex strands up and takes a picture of everyone Alex: All right. Smile, beautiful people. Yeah, there we go. Maria: (To Michael) You cleaned up nice, spaceboy. I'm sorry that he didn't make it. Michael: Well I am not. I'm thinking a cheeseburger will go down nice right now. Maria: You had lobster. Michael: Yeah, but I'm still hungry. I'm gonna go ht the fast food joint across the street. Green, please. Maria takes some money out of her dress Michael: Thanks. (He walks off) Maria: Cheeseburger? Why do I even try? Liz: Well, at least he wore a tie. Maria: Liz, I'm worried. I plan to be a worldly woman, and how can I be, when Michael is trapped in a world of armpit farts and PlayStation? He's just so... We hear drums rolling, they all turn around and we see Michael on the stage Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you're in for a rare treat--a dream coming true. You're gonna love listening to this performer, and even though she'll never believe it, I love listening to her too. Maria is in shock, then she smiles Michael: Please welcome to the stage... Miss Margarita Salt. Maria starts singing as Michael watches from behind the curtains Tess: (To Kyle) We're dancing. (She pulls him onto the dance floor.) Alex is taking pictures when he sees Isabel next to him Alex: I uh. I thought you had other plans. Isabel: I thought I did too. I don't get it. He was exactly what I was looking for from this town. A good-looking smartass, that I could just chew up and spit back out, you know? Alex: But? Isabel: But, he went to get ice and I went to get a cab. And so here I am, alone again. God, I must be the biggest freak on the planet. Alex: Well, I'm sorry but that's just not true. When you're ready for it, you'll find someone, and you'll make him the happiest man ever. Isabel looks at him Isabel: Would you like to dance? Alex: Love to. Liz is sitting by herself at the table, looking at her friends. There's a tap on her shoulder and she looks up to see Max holding out his hand out to her. Michael sees him and smiles. Liz takes his hand and they begin to dance. Liz: I thought you'd be at the airport right now. Max: I was on my way, but I had this weird moment. Liz: What do you mean? Max: Well, I saw this vision. You and me, jumping out of the cab like we'd just been married in Vegas. Liz: That's weird. Max: Yeah, it was like this memory flash of something that really happened, but then... Liz: Max. Oh Max. (It looks like she might be going to tell him about Future Max, but then the moment is lost.) Maria stops singing, everyone is clapping, Maria turns to Michael and motions for him to come over to her Maria: Thank you. Michael: You're welcome. They kiss Everyone arrives at the suite, Max and Liz holding hands and everyone is laughing. Then they see sheriff Valenti sitting on the couch and he holds up the "Guerin party" sign. Everyone freezes. Valenti: At 3:30 yesterday afternoon, Vice-principal McClure contacted me. Apparently, my son didn't show up for detention. Newsflash to me, so I called some of Kyle's friends. Nobody knew where he was. So I made a few other inquiries, and without alarming any of your parents I deduced that you were all missing. By 4:30 I was in a panic. Thought maybe it was a mass kidnapping or an invasion. I knew you guys had to be in some kind of trouble, because there was no way that you would just take off without telling me. Max: We just took a little vacation. Michael: It's like spring break. Valenti: So you skipped school. Missing class is excusable if it involves saving a planet-- yours, mine, or any other. It is not acceptable if it is done in the name of under-age gambling. Is that clear? Each one of your parents is going to hear from me later today. I expect you back in Roswell this afternoon. Kyle, get in the car. Kyle: I was up $1600. Valenti: Now! Valenti and Kyle leave. Michael: I'm glad I'm adopted. Tess: Yeah, me too. Valenti: Tess! Don't make me come back in there. Tess leaves Max: (To Michael) You, uh, tired? Max and Michael go out to buy a cup of coffee Michael: That's the last of it. (He tips the lady) Max: You, uh, you were right. I do act like a machine sometimes. Michael: Forget it, I probably said too much. Max: No, it's all right. It's uh, it's something I needed to hear. You needed a friend, and you got a chaperone. I'm sorry. I guess I just feel so responsible for you, and Isabel, and even Tess. Sometimes I let that get in the way of letting you know how much... how much you mean to mean to mean. That without you, uh, uh... I'd be lost, Michael. Michael: Whoever sent us down here was smart, you know? Because they sent us together, and as long as we stick together, we're gonna make it. They start walking down the sidewalk together Max: We still got a couple of hours before the flight home. No money. So what do you want to do? Michael: Oh, I don't know. I got a couple of dozen DVD's back in the hotel room. Max: Yeah? Michael: Braveheart? Max: How many times can you watch that thing? Episode ends with them chit-chatting about Braveheart, with "Viva Las Vegas" playing in the background.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x15 - Viva Las Vegas"}	foreverdreaming
"Heart of Mine" Episode: 16 38th Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA16 Written by: Jason Katims Original Air Date: Monday April 16, 2001 (The episode opens with Liz twirling down the bowling lanes in her prom dress and socks.) Liz: It's April 27th. I'm Liz Parker and I think I've figured out why I haven't written in this journal in nearly a year. (The scene changes to her balcony and we see Liz writing in her journal.) Liz: It's just ironic that I would figure something out really deep from like the least deep guy in America. (The scene changes to a restaurant where Liz and Sean are sitting at a table.) (Sean is regaling her with a polar bear joke, throwing fries up in the air to catch in his mouth while she just watches him with a slight smile on her face. Then we see them sitting inside his VW bug outside of the Crashdown Cafe. They look at each other. Sean clears his throat.) Sean: You wanna go bowling? Liz: Um, uh, I think that the alley is closed. Sean: To the public. Liz: Oh. Sean: I have access. Liz: Well, yeah, but it's a weeknight so I probably shouldn't. You know... commit a felony. Sean: he gives a small chuckle Yeah, that's cool, maybe some other time. Liz: Look Sean, you know despite what people say, I think you're a really nice guy. Sean: There's something about you Liz. Liz: What?? Sean: I've just always thought there was something about you, you know. Something special. Liz: Thank you Sean, thanks, a lot. Uh, good... good night Sean. Sean: Good night Liz. (Sean leans over and kisses her, she kisses back but breaks it off first, then looks away, looking upset.) [ OPENING CREDITS ] (The scene opens in the school bathroom, Liz sitting on the counter, Maria is reflected in the mirror.) Liz: No. One minute I was letting him down easy and the next minute he was kissing me, what was I supposed to do? Maria: I don' know, a swift kick to the huevos comes to mind. Liz You know what the most annoying part of all of this is? I can't stop thinking what Max would think. I mean why? Right? We're not even together. God, I have spent two years of my life involved in this thing with Max and I don't even have a date for the prom. And now I feel guilty. Why... why should I feel guilty? Maria: Oh you shouldn't feel guilty, it was a non kiss, it's not like you would kiss Sean back. Right? Big pause while they look at each other, then the truth dawns on Maria Eww! I'm gonna be sick! (Scene switches to Max and Michael entering the school.) Michael: So you actually remember our planet? Max: Yes! Michael: What are the chicks like? Max: If you're not going to take this seriously... Michael: I seriously wanna know what the chicks are like. Max: It's not that literal, they're just these images. In one way I have this, this really clear feeling about everything. In another way everything seems so ephemeral. You know, uh... Michael: ... transient, fleeting, impermanent, I know what ephemeral means Maxwell. It's my life. Max: Michael, I remember everyone. You, Isabel... (He looks up and sees Tess walking and laughing with Kyle.) Max: For some reason Tess is the clearest. (Scene changes to two couples sitting at a table in what appears to be the library. Their conversation catches Isabels attention, who is standing a short distance away reading a book.) The Guy: Um, Allie,um I know we've been friends for a long time and I, I wouldn't want to do anything to risk that. But I'm just, I'm just starting to feel like we're more than just, than just friends. Ya know? Allie: You are? The Guy: Uh, yeah, anyway, i was just wondering if you wanted to go with me to the prom? Allie: Of course! I can't wait to get a dress... (Isabel smiles wistfully, happy for the couple.) (Scene changes to Maria and Michael looking at a poster for Prom.) Michael: Just kll me now. I don't do proms. I don't believe in them. Maria: You don't believe in them?! Michael: The whole thing is totally bogus. It's completely unnatural. Maria: You know what? I, I find it to be really unnatural that you're half alien warrior and half Grandpa Dupree! But I make do. Michael: I knew you were going to make this thing into a whole issue. Maria: Oh my God! This is potentially one of the five greatest nights of my life! And if you're not going to do your part in providing that for me, then I'm just gonna, I'm gonna seek other options. It's what I'm gonna do. Michael: So what are you saying, that we're seeing other people? Maria: Oh my God, you are so annoying! Michael: Fine then we're seeing other people. Maria: Fine! (He turns and walks away.) (The scene changes to Kyle sitting down, reading one of his Buddha books.) (Malamoot sits down next to him.) Malamoot: pats Kyle on the shoulder Valenti Kyle: Kyle gives a deep sigh, looks at him Malamoot Malamoot: You still reading this Hinduism crap? Kyle: It's Buddhism. And if you're asking about my spiritual journey, I'm touched. Malamoot: Well, no, actually, I was wondering if it's gonna help you get into Tess Hardings pants. Kyle: Right Malamoot: No, I'm serious man. How long are you going to let that blonde little hottie live under your roof, before you make your move? (Scene changes to Liz, outside at a table, writing. Max walks up.) Max: Hey Liz: Oh, hey. Max: There's a, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. Liz: Yeah? (Off to the side we see a couple hug in excitement, obviously more coupling for the prom going on.) Liz: the prom Max: yeah Liz: yeah, it seems like Michael and Maria aren't going. Max: Well, I, I think that one might be a little too early to call. Liz: It's really weird. You know... A year ago I was so certain that the four of us would go together. I always picture that moment, you know, walking in through those double doors together. I even bought a dress. Max: You did? Liz: Yeah. Well, you know it was around that time last year when we first kissed and everything seeemed so... Max: ...simpler. Liz: Yeah. Max, I know that we're not seeing each other and I accept that, I do. But, um, this is my prom, you know, it really means a lot to me. I, I've put a lot of thought into it. Max: Well, you know, we can go. Liz: We can? Max: Yeah, I mean, okay, fine, we're not together, but we're also not with anyone else. Liz: Right. I, I mean it doesn't have to be some life changing thing. It can just... you know we can just go and have a good time. Max: I would love that. Liz: Me too. Oh, um, so was there something that you wanted to tell me. Max: Right, I'm starting to remember things. About my planet, my life, my other life. Liz: Wow. Max: Yeah, yeah, it's, it's weird, like, for the first time I can remember things. You know, like what it smelled like. What it felt like to be there. Liz: Yeah, that, that's great. Max: Yeah, I've been dying to tell you. Liz: Yeah, yeah, that, that, that must be really exciting. Wow, so um, do you remember like actual people, you know, like Michael and Isabel? Max: Yeah, more like their energy than what anyone actually looks like. Liz: Right, what about Tess? Max: Yeah, I remember her too. Liz: That's great. (Scene opens to Liz running down the sidewalk, trying to catch the bus, that's just left without her.) Liz: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Driver! Driver please wait! she slows down Damn (Meanwhile, Sean has pulled up in his green VW bug.) Sean: Need a ride? Liz: No, I'm fine. Sean: Parker, about the other night... look I, I totally misread my cards. All right? I thought I caught a vibe. Liz: Well, you didn't. Sean: Come on, let me.. there's not going to be another bus for half hour. Let me give you a ride to school. Consider it my apology. (She accepts and they pull up to the curb near school.) Liz: Why, why are you stopping? The school's 2 blocks ahead. Sean: This is as far as I can go. From a legal point of view. Liz: What? Are you kidding? Sean: Uh, it's a condition of my probation. You know, like I'm not allowed to be within a thousand feet of the school. But um, if you want a ride home I could uh, I could wait for ya. Liz: No I just, I think I'm gonna have to take the bus. Sean: Right. Liz: Okay. Sean: Hey... Liz: hmmm? Sean: Listen, about the other night, um... I, I know it was a mistake what I did, okay? But I, I just wanted to say that when, when we kissed, it was um, it was the first time that I ever felt at home, in this town. So... Liz: Look, Sean, I'm, I'm going to the prom with Max. Sean: Oh, well, you should've just told me you guys were back together. I mean, I don't feed off another man's taco platter, so... Liz: No, well, we're not back together, we're just going to the prom. Sean: Right. Liz: mm hmm Sean: Hey, my hat's off to the guy. Liz: What is that suppose to mean? Sean: Nothing, just uh, you know, nice operation he's got going... Liz: An operation? Sean: Yeah, I mean, you know, he's free to play the field and yet he's keeping you off the market. Liz: That's not what's happening Sean. You have no idea who Max is okay? Because if you knew him you would know that he is above and beyond that way of thinking. He is an incredibly, incredibly honorable guy. (Scene changes to Michael at his locker and Maria approaches him.) Maria: So, missed your shift last night. Michael: Alien business. Maria: Well, we're both off tonight so I'm willing to let you take me to dinner and a movie so you can make up for your assinine comments yesterday. Which um, by the way, I think it's very big of me. Michael: I can't make it tonight. Maria: You can't make it? Michael: Naw, I got plans. (He walks away and leaves her standing alone.) (The scene changes to the library where Isabel is sitting at a table with Alex.) Isabel: So I think Billy Sorian is going to ask me to prom. Alex: Billy, huh? Are you sure? Cuz I heard he was taking Amy Green. Isabel: Well, the point is, I would've said no. Alex: Oh. Isabel: What about you Alex? Anyone special? Alex: Not right now. Isabel: Really? Maybe someone special, from your past, who's ready now and before she wasn't. Alex: Isabel, it would be my dream to take you to prom. (Isabel smiles.) Alex: But then we'd wake up the next morning and you'd be onto the next thing and I'd be right back where I was before Sweden. You know, obssessed, pathetic and lovesick. So, I think, amazingly, my answer is no. I'm not going to take you to prom. Okay. (Isabel appears uncomfortable and upset.) (Scene changes to Tess's room, Kyle knocks to come in.) Tess: Oh Kyle, hey. Kyle: Hey. Tess: What's up? Kyle: Last year, I went to the prom with Trudy MacIntire. Tess: Oh Trudy, she's cute. Kyle: Yeah, and so we went, and everything was okay, but I didn't really know her, ah, so we didn't really have much to talk about, much to say to each other. And so I realized that I feel like I really know you. Which is unusual for me with girls and uh, anyway, I just... feel free to say no, or laugh or be outraged or whatever, but would you... want to go to the prom? You know, with me? Tess: You know, I'd really like that Kyle. Kyle: Oh Tess: Thank you. (Scene changes to Liz and Maria breaking into Michaels apartment with a credit card.) Liz: I can't believe that we're breaking into Michael's apartment. Maria: Believe it. Liz: I just know that we're going to regret this. Maria: Well, yeah, if we don't find any evidence. Liz: Of what?? Maria: That he's seeing someone else! Hello! Liz: This whole thing came up yesterday. How could he already have another girlfriend? Maria: That's exactly my point Liz. He obviously already had this bimbo on the side and was just looking for an excuse to break up with me, ya know? Liz: No, I just think that you are overreacting. (Maria finds a tablet and scribbles on it with a pencil until the name and address of a girl named Juanita shows up. She shows it to Liz.) Liz: Oh Maria: Bastard! (We see a house being watched through the perspective of binoculars and find that Maria and Liz are watching this Juanita's house.) Liz: I cannot believe that Michael is seeing another woman, I just, I won't. I... Maria: Snap out of it sister! Juanita! Maria points to her house. Homewrecker! Liz: I can't believe what is going on with you and Michael and me and Max. Maria: Liz, what are you talking about? You and Max are going to prom. Liz: I don't know, I just feel Max and I going in two different directions, like, it's like we're not able to just separate? (In the window we see a woman and Michael coming up to hold her.) Liz: Makes you realize how, like, easy things change. Because people meet other people. I could meet another guy. Or Max could meet another girl, and... Maria: Or Michael could meet another woman. (Scene changes to Max's bedroom. He and Tess are both sitting on the bed facing each other.) Tess: Okay, just think about everything that you remember. What did it look like? Feel like? Smell like? You're not concentrating. Max: Yes I am. Tess: Something's getting in your way. What's going on with you? Max: Actually there is something I should probably tell you. Liz and I are going to the prom. Tess: So? Max, I, I don't care about that stuff. That's not what's important here. This is what's imortant and we can do it. Let's try again. (Scene changes to outside, Liz and Marie are in the car, just after having seen Michael with another woman.) Maria: I'm okay, I'm okay. Liz: Okay Maria: Maria loses it, crying, hitting the steering wheel Why?! Why?! Why, why?! I just don't understand, I wish, I wish that I hadn't seen that, I wish that I hadn't figured it out, I wish... Liz: Maria, we don't know for sure that anything happened. You know we could be reading into this whole thing. Maria: That's why you have to go and ask Max. Liz: No, Maria, I do not think that's such a good idea. Maria: Please! (Scene switches to Max's bedroom again. Max and Tess are holding hands still on the bed, facing each other, there's a lot of candle light going on.) Tess: I see you. You're swimming on your back. The water's much thicker than the water here on Earth. Heavier. It's not quite liquid but not quite solid. As you swim through it, the water reforms around your body and it feels like you're swimming in... Max: Jello. I remember. I remember it. I remember the water. (Liz is approaching Max's house as his memories start to return.) Max: Oh my God, you did it. You made me remember. (Max hugs Tess, they're both smiling. That's when Liz gets to his window, looks in and sees them, she walks away.) (Next scene, Liz is walking down the sidewalks of Roswell, past the Crashdown Cafe. She looks upset. She sees Sean.) Liz: You are like ubiquitous. Sean: I think I might've figured something out about you, Parker. Liz: You know what? I'm not interested! Sean: It might fix your problem. Liz: Who says that I had a problem?! Sean: Well, look at you. You look like you're about to puke, at the very least. Liz: Hey, do you know what? I do not need this right now, okay? I do not want to hear any more of your stupid, inane comments. I do not want to hear any more of your little theories on life. And I do not wanna write my frickin name in mustard okay? My life is falling apart! Sean: You wanna go somewhere? Liz: Yes. (Scene changes to the bowling alley, Liz is picking up a bowling ball, while Sean coaches her from the seat.) Sean: Okay, step, step, step, bend, roll, follow through. (Liz rolls a gutter ball.) Liz: I suck. Sean: No, that was, that was definitely an improvement. You wanna split a beer with me? Liz: No... Sean: Don't even finish the sentence. Here, um, here's a coke. Liz: Thank you. Sean: So um, can I tell you my theory? Liz: Can I stop you? (Sean chuckles.) Sean: You and I are, are really different people. Liz: That's your theory. Sean: But the thing is, that if we're so different then why do I feel so much every time I look at you? I mean it's not completely one sided is it? This town. Every body's always looking at me, like... there's Sean, just got back from juvie. What's crazy Sean gonna do next? And that's what I figured out about you. You're not that different. I mean this whole arrangement you have with Max, it's like you're not together but you're not apart. I mean I bet you can't even talk to me without wondering what Max is gonna think about it. But meanwhile, you're not getting what you need from him, are you? You're suffocating Liz. We both are. (They both just look at each other, there's an akward moment, Liz bends down, picks up a ball and bowls a strike. She turns around,excited.) Liz: Oh my God! How was that? Sean: Nice roll Parker, you're a real prospect. Liz: Thank you. (Sean takes off his shoes.) Liz: What are you doing? Sean: Lane walking. Liz: Yeah, what's that? Sean: There's this thing I used to do when I worked here, see.... what the average American doesn't realize is that every lane in a bowling alley has about a million coats of oil on it, so, if you're wearing just socks, you can kind of slide forever. It's kind of free. Wanna try it? Liz: Maybe next time. Sean: I'm gonna count on that. (Sean takes off running down the lane and slides in his socks.) Sean: Woooo! (Sean turns around and looks at Liz, smiling. She smiles back.) (The scene switches back to Max's bedroom. He and Tess are still sitting together on his bed.) Tess: What else do you remember? Max: Three moons, burnt orange, no clouds, very surreal, like a painting. Tess: What else? Max: I need a break. (Max gets up off the bed.) Tess: It takes time. You know, every thing's blurry at first, but eventually, the images just get clearer and clearer. Max: How clear are your memories? Tess: Most are still blurry, but a few, a few are clearer and more real to me than anything here in this world. Max: Do you remember me? Tess: Yeah. Max: What was I like? Tess: I remember when you used to reach over and touch me in the middle of the night and when you used to hold me. (Scene changes to Alex's room, he's in his pajama's playing his guitar.) (Someone knocks at the window.) Alex: Hello? (Another knock.) Alex: Who is it? (He gets off the bed, lifts his guitar as a wapon as he walks toward the window. Another knock sounds and he opens the blinds to see who it is. Isabel is standing there. He looks relieved and opens the window.) Isabel: Hey. Alex: Hey. Isabel: Sorry. Alex: It's okay. Isabel: Can I come in? Alex: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. (She comes in. Then they're sitting on his window bench, talking.) Isabel: Last semester, Miss Rikesdale told me that I only needed to take one more class to graduate. So I did. Alex: So you're graduating? Isabel: You're the only person that knows that. Alex: So are you like, going to college? Isabel: Exactly, I had know idea. But what I'm sure of, is that I'm graduating. And this is my last chance to have a prom, ever. He just sits in silence Alex, please don't make me just sit here. Alex: Isabel Evans, go to the prom with me? (She hugs him, laughing, happy...) (Scene changes to the Crashdown Cafe, where students are gathered, all decked out in there prom wear. Maria is fixing Liz's hair.) Maria: Is he looking? Liz: No, just concentrate. Maria: What an idiot, I swear, I hope he's lonely tonight. (You see Michael behind the counter, cooking, looking vulnerable. Then Kyle and Tess enter the Cafe.) Kyle: So, uh, beverage? Tess: Yeah, yeah, please. I, I'm just gonna go and sit over there. Kyle: Good, good, so I'll get... your beverage. (They appear very akward with each other. Then we see Kyle sitting alone at the counter as he overhears Liz and Maria talk.) Maria: No, I think it looks hot, Liz. Liz: No, um okay, I'm gonna take a... and Liz walks away. (Kyle walks up to Maria, smiles.) Kyle: Hello. Maria: Hi. Kyle: Can I get two cokes? He asks the waitress behind the counter.Then they both look over at Valenti and Amy DeLuca sitting together at a booth. Kyle: I caught em making out on the couch. Maria: Dude, I caught them making out in the pantry closet in the kitchen. (It's just so embarrassing.) Kyle: I know, but there's nothing we can do about it. It's just raging hormones. And they are our chaperones. Maria: Yeah, it's ugh... Hey so are you and Tess uh... you know? Kyle: Oh no, actually, it's like, she uh, she's hot and uh, but I feel really resistant for some reason, I can't quite put my finger on. Maria: Well, maybe you're just gay. Kyle: No, no... (Liz comes out of the kitchen at the same time as Max arrives. Sean witnesses the tender moment. Max and Liz approach each other. He has a corsage for her.) Max: You look beautiful. Liz: Thank you. You look very nice too. Um, you know, Maria's all alone tonight so is it okay if she hangs out with us? Max: Of course. Amy: Oh come on kids, we have to take pictures. Come on, lets go guys. Oh, Liz, you look beautiful. Maria, you look absolutely perfect. Where is uh, Isabel, Alex, Tess, come on. Lets take pictures. Who'm I missing, uh Michael. Come out here, mm hmm. Come on, lets go now. Uh, Jim, come on, who'm I going to stand with? Is that everyone? Oh, oh, this is going to be great, um, Sean.... Can you take the picture for me? (Sean steps up, takes the camera from Amy, she joins the group and he focuses in on them, they're all laughing and happy.) Liz: in a voice over And there we were. All together, with everything we'd all been through over the last two years. The battles we'd fought, the relationships that were formed, the feelings for each other, stronger than any feelings we'd ever known could exist. And somehow in this moment I had this really strong, really upsetting feeling, that this was the last time we'd all be standing together. (Scene changes to the sight of the prom., all decorated, music playing, couples walking around, then Alex and Isabel having their picture taken.) Alex: Thank you sir. My lady... He offers his arm to Isabel. Isabel: Thank you. Alex: Your welcome. You know, I gotta say, objectively speaking, you are incredibly beautiful this evening. Isabel: You don't have to say that. Alex: I know I don't. Isabel: Alex, thank you. This means so much to me, and I know you didn't want to come, so thank you. Alex: Well, you just gotta promise to not be any more beguiling otherwise I'll be right back where I was. When she giggles, he says, I'm serious... Let's dance. Isabel: Lets dance. Alex: Okay. (Now we see Kyle at the punch bowl, getting drinks. Malamoot approaches him.) Malamoot: Valenti... Kyle: Malamoot.... Malamoot: This is it big man, the big night. Kyle: Yeah, this is it. Malamoot: I envy you Valenti. (We see Tess sitting at the table.) Kyle: All right. Malamoot: Look at that compact little body. Kyle: All right. Malamoot: Bet she's a firecracker in the sack. Kyle: I wouldn't know. Malamoot: Yeah well, you will soon. Hey listen, what do you say, you throw her to me for a couple hours after your done? (Kyle grabs him by the collar.) Kyle: Dont you ever talk about my sister like that! Malamoot: What? (Kyle looks confused and just walks away.) (Now we see Max and Liz sitting at a table.) Max: So... Liz: Yeah... Max: You wanna dance? Liz: Sure. (They walk to the dance floor and the music changes to slow music.) Liz: Max, I just want to say that I feel really weird. Max: What do you mean? Liz: I mean I saw you with Tess. Max: Saw me what with Tess? Liz: I saw you with her. I came by your house yesterday to talk to you about something and you were with her. Max: We were just trying to find out things about where I came from, that's all. Liz: I know, I know, I mean, you know, you keep saying that. but you um, keep on leaving out this really pertinent fact. That you were married to her. I feel like my whole life for the past year has been waiting for some really bad news. Oh, you know, by the way Liz, I remember Tess, and I love her. It's really paralyzing. Max: I know it's not easy. Liz: No, Max, it can be. It can be really, really easy. You know, we both just stop pretending. Max: What do you mean? Liz: You know, maybe we're both just holding on to something that'll never be. Max, maybe we should just let go. I have been in so much pain. This whole year. and it's like I'm suffocating. Max: Liz... (A very painful moment of finality comes over them, she shakes her head at him, then sees Maria standing by herself.) Liz: Um, I should go, you know, for Maria. Max: Right. Liz: She's all alone tonight. Max: Go ahead. Liz: Max. Max: Go ahead. (Now we see Kyle and Tess going into a room. Kyle searches for the right words.) Kyle: Um, Tess, uh you, you're, you're beautiful. Tess: Kyle, please don't say that. Kyle: And the thing is, you're not just some girl, I care about you. Tess: Kyle, I don't... I just.... Kyle: I think of you as family. As a sister. I dont' think it could be a romantic thing Tess: I understand. You know I'm disappointed, but I understand. (They hug. Back out on the dancer floor, we see Liz and Maria dancing with abandon. Max watches for a bit, then walks away. Michael walks in and Maria sees him.) Liz: Okay, go. Maria: No, no, me and you, we're a couple now. Liz: Go! (Maria and Michael walk up to each other.) Maria: What are you doing here? Michael: Came her to dance. Maria: Well you shoulda brought Juanita. Michael: How do you know about her? Maria: I followed you to your pod. Michael: Juanita's my dance teacher. Maria: Your dance teacher. Michael: Yeah, I can't dance. And I knew this was a big deal for you so I was taking dancing lessons. (Maria looks very embarrassed, relieved, happy.) Maria: Oh my God. Michael: Wait, did you think Juanita was some chick I was boffing? Maria: Oh my God. Michael: How the hell did you find out about it in the first place... Maria: Oh my God, I am like the stupidest person alive. Michael: Okay. Juanita declared me unteachable, but if you want to risk personal injury... (They head out to the dance floor. Now we see Max sitting alone in the hall holding his corsage. Kyle and Tess come upon him.) Tess: I'll meet you inside in a minute, okay? Kyle: Sure. Tess: You look sad. Max: I think it's really over. Tess: You mean with Liz. Max: Yeah. I mean I, I realize that, I guess that on some level that things were headed in that direction. I think it's really actually over. (Now we see Isabel and Alex dancing.) Isabel: Alex, I'm going to do something, I said I wouldn't do. Alex: Don't. (She kisses him. He draws back.) Alex: I asked you not to do that. (They kiss again. Liz sees, then looks around and leaves. Now it's back to Max and Tess sitting in the halls.) Max: I remembered something else. I don't know how to feel about it. Tess: What do you remember? Max: Our first kiss. It was at a party... late at night. And you... Tess: I, I leaned in... and whispered in your ear and then you touched my cheek... Max: and then we just... (They kiss. Liz walks in and sees them, throws her corsage in the trash and runs out of the school, while Max and Tess continue to kiss. She shows up at the bowling alley where Sean is bowling. He turns around and sees her, smiles.) Sean: What are you doing here Parker? Liz: I guess this is kind of an addictive sport. (He motions her on down and the next we see Liz in her socks, lane walking, laughing, Sean lane walking with her.) Liz (V.O.): We try to live responsible, logical lives. But we can't tell our hearts how to feel. (As she's speaking we see Alex and Isabel kissing, Max and Tess sitting together...) Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we never thought we wanted to go. (Then we see Michael and Maria dancing.) And sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest, gentleist things we have. (Back at the bowling alley, Liz is still lane walking with Sean.) Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable, angry, excited and confused. All at once. But at least my heart is open. And I'm writing again. I'm feeling. I'm breathing. (The last scene shows her at home, writing in her journal.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x16 - Heart of Mine"}	foreverdreaming
"Cry Your Name" Episode: 17 39th Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA17 Written by: Ronald D. Moore Original Air Date: Monday April 23, 2001 (Episode begins with a recap of recent events by Maria.) Maria: (in front of chalkboard - erases the word PROM) I told you. Prom sucks. Take Liz for example. She totally thought that prom would be the perfect opportunity to rekindle things with Max. No. And Kyle. He thought he'd finally get closer to Tess, as in a lot closer, until he realized that his feelings for Tess were a little more sibling than sex kitten. Strike two. But, there is a silver lining to this gray cloud of prom disasters - Alex. He came back from Sweden a new man and Isabel finally noticed. And I think with a little help from Liz and myself those two crazy kids might actually find true love. (Alex, Maria, and Liz are in Alex's bedroom.) Alex: (on the phone, guitar in hand) Yeah, it was a great night for me too. Isabel: (on the other end of the phone) Yeah, so what are you doing tonight? Alex: (looks to Maria and Liz) Tonight? (Liz and Maria shake their heads no.) Alex: I can't do tonight. Isabel: Why? Alex: I have a..d'aa.(looks to Maria and Liz for an excuse) Liz: (whispers) Study.study. Alex: .I'm studying. Isabel: Alex, an A is the best you can get. Alex: Yeah I know, but I.I got a.I got a monstrous final in.a.(looks to Maria and Liz.) Liz hands Maria a book and Maria points to it. Robert Frost? Maria shakes her head and mouths something to Alex. English.Eng.English.yeah, kller final. Uh, Mr. Brazzi's really puttin' the screws to us. Isabel: Well, if you'd rather stay in studying and not come out and play with me. Liz: (flex's her muscles with Maria, whispers) Stay strong. Alex: I.I don't want to, but I have to. Isabel: Okay. Well if you change your mind, I'll be at the Crashdown, probably until closing so. Alex: Okay, well uh, I'll see you later. Isabel: Okay. (hangs up) (Alex hangs up the phone and falls back on his bed, sighing - Maria and Liz sit next to him.) Maria: I'm so proud of you. Alex: This blows. Maria: Well at least you have the upper hand. Liz: Yeah, you've got her chasing you. Who would have thought that? Maria: Not me. Alex: She's thinking about me. Even now she's on her bed and she's thinking about me. Maria: Okay, so are we done with this Isabel thing? All right, Max kissed Tess. Liz: Maria, let's go to work. Maria: Okay. Liz: Come on. Alex, now Alex, you be strong! Okay? Maria: Strong, strong, strong. Liz: You be strong. Okee? Goodbye. Alex: Strong. Strong..yeah. (As Maria and Liz leave a delivery guy arrives at the door.) Delivery Guy: Hey is this Whitman? Liz: Yeah. Hey Alex! Your food's here. Maria: (opening the door) Here, come in. (Alex walks in the room.) Maria: Bye. Alex: Ahh, It's about time. Delivery Guy: Sorry man, I got turned around on Cherry Drive. Alex: (taking the food) Yeah.. Delivery Guy: (taking the credit card) Thanks. Alex: (taking the food out of the bag) Hey, this isn't even warm. Delivery Guy: Oh, yeah, sorry. You better nuke it. Alex: I'm...I'm so sick of this. I'm....always the same thing. Always cold, always the same thing. I'm just so sick of everything. Delivery Guy: Could, could you sign here, please? Alex: (while signing) Why does life have to be so wrong? Why does everything have to be a lie? Delivery Guy: I don't know dude. (Delivery guy leaves and Alex goes back to his room - He takes the picture of Leana and him and stares at it.) (Valenti driving at night in his police car. He stops on the road when he comes upon an accident and a congregation of police cars.) Valenti: Hey Hanson. Whatcha you got? Hanson: (sighs) Pretty bad. Sedan doing about 70 did a head-on with a Semi. Valenti: Fatalities? Hanson: Yeah, one. Valenti: Anyone I know? (Hanson stops and gives him a look. Valenti walks up to the car with a flashlight to see the victim.) (At the Crashdown - plates crash to the floor. Maria screams.) Maria: (walks away - stressed out) Great. Max: You are so full of it. Michael: I just call it like I see it. Max: You can't compare The Matrix with Crouching Tiger. Michael: Crapping Tiger is a chick flick with kung fu. Max: First of all crapping.Crouching Tiger is actually about something: Love, honor, duty. Michael: Matrix is about something: Illusion, reality, gn. Max: You simply cannot prefer Keanu Reeves to Michelle Yeoh. You can't. I won't let you. (Liz works at a table while Isabel, Kyle, and Tess all sit at booth looking at pictures together. Maria walks into the back to find Valenti standing there, a sullen look on his face.) Maria: What?..(screams) Nooooo! (Maria runs out and begins to cry in Liz's arms. Everyone gets up and Valenti walks in.) Valenti: There's been an accident. Alex is dad. [Opening Credits] (Max, Liz, Maria, Michael, Isabel, Kyle, Tess, and Valenti all gather outside in front of City Hall until a car pulls up.) Valenti: (to the men who get out of the car) Hey. (He leads them away.) (Max leaves the group and walks to the car.) Isabel: (stepping forward) He'll need to use his power to open the doors. Max opens the body bag. He'll take a deep breath, put his hand on his chest, and bring him back to life. And Alex will sit up suddenly, and Max will jump back, and the whole wagon will shake a little.The whole.The whole wagon will shake and.and they'll come running back here with big goofy grins on their faces and.and we'll have to come up with some kind of cover story for Hanson and everybody. (Max comes out of the car just as Valenti comes out of the building.) Isabel: Max? Valenti: I think you should all go home now. Maria: (begins to cry) Oh my god! (Two men wheel Alex's body out of the car.) Michael: Come on. I'll take you home. (Max looks down at his blood-covered hand as Isabel walks away, crying.) Tess: Go after her. Max: Liz, I. Liz: Yeah, go after her Max. (Kyle is awake on his couch as his alarm goes off. He turns it off and rolls out of bed and into a pushup just as Valenti walks in.) Kyle: Hey Dad. Valenti: 'Morning. (Sits next to Kyle on the couch.) Not a very happy day is it. (Kyle shakes his head no.) Listen. Uh.This may not seem like very much right now, but there's something I'd like you to know. Alex died yesterday. He didn't die today, and I don't want you remembering it as if it happened today. All right? Happy birthday son. (Alex walks into the Crashdown.) Isabel: (hugs Alex) Oh my god! Oh Alex! Oh my god, I thought you were dad! Alex: Oh, no no no. Listen that was just.that was just a big misunderstanding. Everything's fine. All right? Isabel: Okay. Alex: Okay. Sit down, sit down, sit down. Alex: So, how are you doing? Isabel: Fine. Fine now. Alex: Good. So have you made any decision about college yet? Isabel: Yeah, I think I'm going to stay. Graduate with Max and you guys. Alex: Good. Good. Because I'd miss you if you were gone. Isabel: Yeah, I'd miss you too. I just.I just don't want to be away from you anymore. Alex: Aww, well, no worries about that. I'm not going anywhere.except band practice. See, I'm running late and the guys are waitin' for me. So, I gotta jet. But I'm gonna see you tonight, right? Isabel: Yeah, yeah. Alex: (while kissing Isabel) Okay. (gets up to leave) I will see you later. (Isabel is sleeping in her bedroom.) Mrs. Evans: Isabel. Isabel, wake up honey. Isabel: Oh my god. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. Mrs. Evans: (sympathetic tone) Ohh sweetheart. Ohh. (Amy, Maria, and Michael all mourn at the DeLuca's house as tAhe phone rings.) Michael: (answering the phone) DeLuca residence. Sean: Michael? What are you, sneaking breakfast now? Don't you have to be at school or something? Michael: Sean, shut up, okay? Alex was klled last night. Sean: What? How? Michael: Car accident. Sean: Oh geez. How's Maria? Michael: Pretty torn up. Same with your aunt. Sean: Look, I uh, I got this court thing in Albuquerque. They're telling me I got to stay a couple more days. So, could you, you know, look after my family? Michael: I'll take care of 'em. Sean: Thanks. Later. (Mrs. Parker at Liz's house. The phone rings.) Mrs. Parker: (answering the phone) Sean? Max: No, Max. Mrs. Parker: Sorry Max. I thought you were Sean. I just. I just got off the phone with him. This is horrible. I. I can't even believe it. Max: Me neither. Mrs. Parker: How are you doing? I know you were so close to him. Max: Not as close as Liz. How is she? Mrs. Parker: She's not doing so.so good. I.I think she's in denial. Max: Can I talk to her? Mrs. Parker: She's not here. She.She went out. I don't even know where she went. She just needs a little bit of space right now. Max: Right. Umm.can.can you just tell her that I called? Thanks. (Liz walks around a junkyard full of cars. She finds Alex's car and climbs in through the window to look in it. She finds the picture of Alex and Leanna with Alex's face ripped out of the picture.) (Valenti and Hanson are at the hospital questioning the man who was driving the truck in the accident.) Truck Driver: Hitting my brakes and trying to turn away but. Valenti: You turned to the left or the right? Truck Driver: Right. He was coming at me from the left. Hanson: Skid marks say he turned to the right. Truck Driver: 'Course they do. Why would I lie about. Valenti: How many beers did you have at the Bison Pub? Truck Driver: I had one beer. Three hours before I got on the road. Valenti: You said you were going 65. Truck Driver: I said I was going 55 and I don't like the sound of these questions. Hanson: Just doing our job. Truck Driver: That's bull. You tryin' to pin this on me. When the truth is that boy deliberately swerved into my lane for no reason. (Isabel and Mrs. Evans in their kitchen.) Mrs. Evans: Nobody knew where he was going. Isabel: (hysterical) But he wanted to stay home. If I hadn't called him and put the idea in his head.He.He would have never gotten in the car. He would have never gotten in the car! Mrs. Evans: Isabel it was an accident. Honey, it's tragic and it's painful and it's something that none of us are ever gonna forget. But it's not your fault. Isabel: I can't stop it. I can't stop thinking that the people I love and care about, they end up hurt or dad. Mrs. Evans: Oh honey. I wish.I wish I had some kind of special powers or something to make all of this go away for you. Isabel: Special powers don't help. I have to get out of here. Mrs. Evans: Where do you want to go? Isabel: Mom, there's something I need to tell you. (Liz walks through the hallway to her locker at school, stopping to see the memorial in front of Alex's locker.) Maria: Liz. Liz: (hugging Maria) Hey. How you doing? Maria: Not good. Liz: Just try and get through the day, okay? Just keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Maria: Okay. How 'bout you. How are you? Liz: (sternly) I'm fine. Maria: Come on, it's me. You don't have to put up a front. Liz: (pulls out the picture she found) Look at this. Michael: Isn't that? Liz: Yeah. It's Alex and Leanna in Sweden. I found it in the wreck. Maria: (leaning into Michael) Oh my god! Oh my god! Michael: (supporting her) It's all right. Hey. It's all right. Maria: Oh my god! Liz: Look. Look at the way it's been cut up. Someone cut off. Maria: Are you sick? I can't believe you went there! Liz: Maria! This means something. Why is Alex's head missing? Maria: Stop it! Stop it! Michael: (trying to comfort/calm down Maria) Shhh. It's okay. Liz: (starting to walk away) It means something. (Valenti questions the delivery guy in an office at school.) Delivery Guy: I don't know. He just got really depressed. It was weird you know. I mean I deliver a lot of cold food.and usually people just get pissed off. You know, they don't act like it's the end of the world. Valenti: Is that how he acted, like it was the end of the world? Delivery Guy: Yeah. Valenti: He say anything specific you remember? Delivery Guy: "Life was wrong. Everything about life is a lie. Why does it have to be that way?" Stuff like that. Valenti: Okay. Thanks Jerry. (The bell rings. The delivery guy leaves and Hanson walks in.) Hanson: (hands Valenti a file) Talked to his teachers. None of them saw anything unusual in his behavior at the time but looking back they think they saw some warning signs: Moody, sometimes confident, even cocky. Other times sullen, quiet, and focused. Valenti: Sounds like every teenager I ever met. Hanson: Listen, I know you don't want to talk about this theory. Valenti: Don't go there. Hanson: Jim, there's a pattern here. Valenti: (stern) No, there's not. Hanson: I hope you're right. (People gather around a memorial for Alex on the field leaving objects, lighting candles, and mourning his death. Max and Tess sit under the bleachers talking.) Max: It was so much.blood. I wasn't prepared for that. Tess: You had to try. Max: I didn't want to.touch him. And then his skin was so cold.(buries his head in his hands and starts to cry) (Isabel, Maria, and Michael walk up. Max immediately gets up and turns his back on them to wipe away his tears.) Michael: School's brought in the official grief counselor. She's got all our names. So, be on the lookout. Maria: Do you see these people? Who are they? They don't even know Alex. They weren't even his friend. And they're sitting there praying and crying and putting on this show as if they gave a damn about Alex while he was alive! God, it makes me so angry! (Kyle walks up behind them.) Kyle: Hey. Mr. Whitman called the house this morning and asked if me and (points to Michael and Max) you and you would be pallbearers tomorrow. Michael: Right. Max: Sure. (The delivery guy (Jerry) is talking to a group of people on the field gathered around him.) Jerry: (exaggerating) So, finally, I left. He was losing it and you could totally see it in his eyes. I mean, he was on his way out of this life. Liz: (breaks up the circle of people) Is that a fact? Jerry: Oh. Liz: I'd like to ask you some questions if you have the time. (Isabel joins the group under the bleachers.) Isabel: I have something to tell all of you. I know this is a bad time, but umm.I'm graduating early. I'm leaving in June to start college in the fall in San Francisco. Max: When did all this happen? Isabel: I've been thinking about it for a while. I talked to Mom this morning and she's fine with it so. Max: Look, Isabel, this isn't the time to be making snap judgments about things. Isabel: This is my life Max. Max: No one is disputing that. Maria: Do we have to talk about this now? Michael: Maria's right. This isn't a decision that we have to make today. Isabel: This isn't a decision we have to make at all. It's my decision. I made it. I'm leaving Roswell. (Jerry and Liz talk on the field.) Liz: And then what did he say? Jerry: I don't know. I mean, "Life isn't right." Or "Life is wrong." Something like that. Liz: Yeah and then what did you say? Jerry: Well, I said, "Whatever dude." Liz: "Whatever dude?" That's your reaction to a man who is devastated and on his way out of this life? Isn't that how you describe him to your fan cub? Jerry: Look, I wasn't.I mean, uh.I'm sorry I sounded like that. Liz: Yeah. If you remember anything else.anything, my parents own the Crashdown, you can usually find me there. (Liz shows Valenti the photo she found.) Liz: I know that this photo means something. I know it. Valenti: Yeah. Liz: What? Valenti: Well I don't really know. Liz: What! Don't give me that! You are on to something. This is a clue isn't it? Valenti: Maybe. We're a long way. Liz: You.You have a theory about this don't you. Valenti: (starts to open the door) Liz, this has been a very very difficult day and I think maybe the best thing for you now. Liz: No! Valenti:.would be to go on home and try to get some. Liz: No, I do not need another grief counselor. I want some answers! I know what happened to Alex was not an accident. I know it with very fiber in my being and I am gonna find out the truth so cut the crap and tell me what the photo means to you. Valenti: Okay. You're not gonna like what I'm about to say. Liz: Tell me. Valenti: It's beginning to look more and more likely that Alex might have deliberately turned his car into the oncoming traffic. Liz: Wha.Wh-Why would he do that? Valenti: The last couple of weeks, people have noticed changes in Alex's behavior. Moodiness, lack of focus, his grades started to slip. Liz: Oh please. Valenti: Liz, I interviewed the truck driver; I.I went to the accident scene; I saw the school reports. Liz: You are saying that Alex klled himself over bad grades. Valenti: We may never know exactly why Alex did what he did. But.Look at this. (picks up the photo) This is part of the puzzle isn't it. I mean look at it! He deliberately defaced his own image. The.believe me.it.it tares me up to even say this. Liz: (grabs the photo out of his hands) Thank you for your time. (Liz leaves Valenti's house. She stops on the sidewalk and starts coughing/throwing up.) (Max is trying on a suit in his bedroom and looking at himself in the mirror when Liz knocks on his window. He opens it.) Liz: I don't want to be alone. Can.Can I stay here tonight? Max: Sure. (Liz steps through the window.) (Max and Liz are talking in his room.) Max: That's crazy. Liz: (pacing around the room) Yes. I know. That is what I said. Max: Alex would never do something like that. Liz: No! Of course not! It's ridiculous. And.you know what's gonna happen.Hanson is gonna go and he's going to put that report and it's going to be in the newspaper for every single person to read. All of his friends, his family. Max: (gets up) No. Liz: Alex Whitman's death was declared a su1c1de yesterday by the Roswell Sheriff's Department! Max: We won't let that happen. I'll.I'll talk to Valenti. He's just jumping to conclusions. Liz: Just the fact that his parents have to go through this.this nightmare. They do not need to think that they're son.(sits down and begins to cry slightly) Max: (sits down next to Liz) Liz, I'll handle it. Liz: Thank you. (stomach growls) Oh. Max: Hungry? Liz: That's embarrassing. Max: No, that's all right. When's the last time you ate? Liz: Umm, uh, yesterday, I think. Max: How does frozen macaroni and cheese sound? (Michael hands a drink to Amy who is sitting on the couch in her house and then sits down.) Amy: Oh.no more tea. Thank you Michael. Michael: It's not tea.hot buttered rum. Help you sleep. My foster dad taught me to mix drinks before I could ride a bike. He called it job training. If all else fails I could always tend bar. Amy: (chuckling) Oh what a charming man. Uh, is Maria still asleep? Michael: Yeah, she keeps kickin' off the covers though. Amy: Mmm, she always does do that. You know, I think this is the most time you've ever spent in my house. Michael: Yeah, I.I could leave if you want. Just, it's nice to be around people. Amy: No, no. That's not what I mean at all. Uh, what I'm trying to say is that you've really been great for my family. And it's a wonderful thing to see my daughter loved. And I would like to see a lot more of that. And as far as I'm concerned you'll always be welcome in this house. Michael: Thank you. Amy: Welcome on the couch. Michael: Right. Amy: (takes a sip of her drink) Yeah. (Isabel sits at the counter at the Crashdown talking to Alex.) Isabel: You're not really here. Are you? Alex: No. You're talking in your sleep. Isabel: God I wish I could really talk to you Alex. Alex: I'm the next best thing. What do you want to say? Isabel: That I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Alex: Me too. Isabel: I never should have called you. Alex: I called you. Remember? Isabel: I never should've brought you into any of this. Alex: Any of what? Isabel: (bows her head) Me. My life. Alex: You think being with you had something to do with what happened? Isabel: Yes, I do. I don't know how but.God, If you hadn't been involved with me. Alex: (tilts her chin so she's looking at him) Hey, if I was really here, I'd tell you you're full of crap. You know that. Isabel: Yeah, but it wouldn't make me feel any better. Alex: I better go. Isabel: Why? Alex: I'm not making things any better for you. Isabel: No, please. Please don't go. Alex: I'm already gone. This is just a dream you'll eventually wake up from. Isabel: Will I see you again? Alex: That depends on you. But I have a feeling, I wouldn't want me to be here. They kiss. Bye Isabel. (Alex gets up and walks to the door.) Isabel: (crying) I love you Alex. Alex: I think we both know.I loved you too. (Isabel turns over, crying in her bed.) (Max and Liz talk and eat in Max's kitchen.) Max: Remember the time he electrified Mr. Hoffman's desk? Liz: Yeah. You know, he almost got suspended for that. Max: Never happen. The teacher's loved him. That guy could get away with anything.At the prom, I overheard Mr. Hoffman telling Señora Villa the whole chair thing. That was a riot. Liz: Yeah, about the prom. I saw you kiss Tess. It's okay. You're moving on. Max: Liz. Liz: No. We've discussed this, you're moving on and I am moving on. That's the decision we've made. I just wanted you to know that I saw you and that I'm okay with it. Okay? Max: Okay. Liz: Okay. Thank you very much for the macaroni and cheese and um, thank you for listening. (Gets up to leave) Just always be my friend. Will you do that Max? Max: You know I will. (Alex's funeral. Maria sings Amazing Grace. After the funeral Max talks to Valenti. Liz sees them from the car as it goes past.) Valenti: If this is about what I said to Liz the other night. I don't have any apologies to make. Max: How can you say that to us? How can you even think. Valenti: This is difficult for everybody Max. Max: (point his finger in Valenti's face) Alex Whitman did not kll himself, okay? It didn't happen. And you'd better not let Hanson or anyone else put that in some file. Valenti: (hands Max Alex's file) Here. Max: What's that? Valenti: It's everything we've discovered about Alex Whitman over the last two days. Read it Max. (Max and Valenti stand next to Valenti's truck as Max reads the file.) (After the funeral, everyone gathers at Alex's house.) Kyle: So.Frisco, huh? Isabel: Yeah. Kyle: I think it's great. Isabel: Yeah. Tess: What about the chicken? Michael: Maria hates barbecue, there's gotta be something here she'll eat. (Liz walks outside to the pool and up to Mr. Whitman.) Liz: Hi Mr. Whitman. Mr. Whitman: Liz, how are you? Liz: Okay. Mr. Whitman: Well, I uh.I hope you know how much Alex loved you and Maria. He just thought the world of you two. Liz: Thank you. Can I ask you a favor? Mr. Whitman: Anything. Liz: Can I go sit in his room for a while? Mr. Whitman: I uh.I haven't been able to bring myself to go in there just yet. But.sure, go ahead. Liz: (hugging Mr. Whitman) Thank you. (Liz sits on Alex's bed, playing his guitar.) Liz: I really need your help. I know something's wrong. I know what they're saying about you isn't true. But I don't know where to go from here. I really wish you could.give me some advice, point my in a direction. (Liz scans the room with her eyes and they fall upon Alex's desk. She goes over and picks up his book, The Poetry of Robert Frost book. She opens it to a page marked with tickets.) Liz: (reading the book) The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep. (Liz looks at the tickets-concert tickets to Beth Orton.) Liz: (whispers loudly) Thank You. (Max and Valenti arrive at Alex's house.) Tess: Come on. Kyle: What's up? Tess: I don't know but Liz says it's urgent. (The whole gng all sits in a room in Alex's house.) Liz: (standing) Everything I'm about to say is gonna come as a shock to most of you but something happened. And You need to know what's going on. Valenti and Hanson are about to declare Alex's death a su1c1de. Isabel: What? Liz: No. It's not true, okay? It's not true. Maria: How could they say that? Of course it's not true. Max: Well.I.I'm not so sure. Liz: What? Max, come on. We talked about this you said. Max: I know but.I've read the file. Valenti showed. Liz: Oh Valenti showed you the file. Max: I don't want to believe it either. I saw. The evidence is pretty convincing. Michael: I can't believe it's su1c1de. Liz: It wasn't a su1c1de and I can prove it. (grabs the tickets) Five minutes ago I found these here, in Alex' room. They are concert tickets to Beth Orton. Alex bought them on the day he died probably for him and Isabel. The concert is tonight. Don't you get it? You don't buy concert tickets on the day you kll yourself. You don't make plans for the future when you are not planning on having a future. Maria: She's right, there's no way. There's no way. Tess: I don't know. You know, a couple of concert tickets? It's pretty slim evidence. Maria: You don't know what the hell you're talking about, okay? Michael: Hey. Hey. There's nothing to gain with this argument one way or another. We know Alex. We know what kind of guy he is, and we know he'd never kll himself. Maria: (whispers) Exactly. Michael: So, as far as all the people in this room are concerned, it was an accident nothin' more. Liz: It wasn't an accident. He was mrder. Kyle: mrder? Max: Would you listen to yourself? Who could possibly want to mrder Alex? Liz: I don't know yet. Maybe somebody with a grudge against him.or maybe an alien. Max: (stands up) That is not what happened here. Liz: Would you just think about it for a minute? If there is anything any of us should have learned over the last year and a half it's that nothing is ever what it seems. Isabel: (stands up) What is that? That's not evidence! That's not proof we had anything to do with this! Tess: (stands up) Keep your voices down! For gods sake! Liz: You cannot deny the fact that a key member of this conspiracy just died under very suspicious circumstances. Kyle: (stands up) I'm with Liz. There's somethin' not right about this. Max: It was a traffic accident. There's nothing otherworldly about that. Michael: What possible reason would an alien have to kll Alex? Liz: Isabel for one. We know that there's an alien named Khivar who wants to bring Isabel back to your world. Isabel: No! Liz: If Khivar discovered you and Alex. Isabel: No! No! You're just making this up! Max:(standing face-to-face with Liz) You don't know what the hell you're talking about! You don't know anything about Khivar or our world. Liz: You don't want to think that Alex was klled by an alien because that would mean you are responsible. (.tension in the room.) Max: Let's go. (Max leaves and Isabel and Tess follow. Michael gets up from Maria's side and also leaves.) Liz: I know what I know. And I am gonna to find out the truth. I owe that.to my friend. (Liz leaves.) Kyle: Well.I guess it's us versus them. (Liz is at the Crashdown. It's raining outside. She sits at the table looking at pictures of Alex and remembering all the times they shared. Liz breaks down and starts sobbing at the counter. Someone knocks on the front door. Liz opens it to find Jerry.) Jerry: I thought about what you said. You know.If I remembered anything? Look. (takes something out of his pocket) I got his credit card receipt. The company kicked it back 'cause of the way he signed it. Liz: (looks at the receipt and begins to mumble) 11100100100111011001 Jerry: Does that mean anything to you? Liz: Its means: I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x17 - Cry Your Name"}	foreverdreaming
"It's Too Late and It's Too Bad" Episode: 18 40th Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA18 Written by: Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts Original Air Date: Monday April 30, 2001 Maria: Ok, what you need to know about Alex is that he loved life. He loved it. He played the bass. He traveled. He had just gotten back from his trip to Sweden only a couple of months ago, and he had his whole life ahead of him, and then this one, stupid accident just came and took it all away... forever. Liz--she's on this crusade to prove that Alex's death wasn't accidental. She's convinced that what happened to Alex was alien-related. Flashback Liz: You don't want to think that Alex was klled by an alien because that would mean you are responsible. Max: Let's go. Maria: The pod squad was not too happy about that one. Flashback Kyle: I guess it's us versus them. Liz: I know what I know, and I am gonna find out the truth. Maria: And believe me, she will. Scene opens to Maria in Alex's room with his dad, pictures are spread out on his bed. Maria: It's a 2-page yearbook spread, a collage that captures, you know, everything Alex was. Chuck: You guys are just great friends to Alex, you know, still. Oh, and liz, tell your folks thanks for the food they sent over. Liz: Yeah. Sure. What are these? Chuck: Condolence cards from floral arrangements. You can take a look at them if you'd like. Liz: She reads one of the cards "The Olsons"? Chuck: Yeah. Alex's host family in Sweden. It's awful to admit, but Gloria and I didn't even think about contacting them. Liz: Well, then, who did? Chuck: I'm assuming someone from the school. Alex's entire trip was set up through the guidance office. Well, looks like you guys are gonna be here for a while. I'll order a pizza. Maria: Oh, no. You really don't have to order-- Chuck: It's nothing. He leaves the room. Maria: Liz, you're being rude. Liz: Alex put every single thing about his entire life in this computer. There has got to be something in here to help us figure out what really happened. Maria: Mr. Whitman let us go through stuff for the yearbook spread. You can't look through his stuff for clues. It's immoral. Liz: What's immoral is that someone mrder Alex. Look, we have got 2 clues here-- the numbers on the thai food receipt and his girlfriend Leanna. Will you start looking through his desk drawers? See if you can find anything. Maria: I don't think so. No. Liz: Why, Maria? Come on. We've only got a few hours here. Maria: Does Max know that you're doing this? Liz: I'm just looking for the truth. I don't think that Max is interested in that right now. Maria: God, I hate this. It's like this chasm has formed between everybody since-- Liz: --since I said aliens were responsible for Alex's death. Maria: Yes. Look, I really don't think we should do this without them knowing. It's just gonna make things worse. As it is, Michael and I haven't even talked to each other in days. Liz: Why would he lock this document? Maria: What? Liz: Inside this folder, there's 5 subfolders, and in the last subfolder, there's one locked file. None of the other files are locked. It's like he was hiding it. Do you have any idea what his security code is? Oh, Maria. Maria: Look. I really don't think that we should-- Liz: --just tell me. Maria: Try "I, the stud." He's let me log on to his e-mail account a few times. Liz: Oh, my God. Look at this. Look. On the computer we see the words "Leanna is not Leanna" filling the screen. Scene opens to Liz at school talking to another student. Liz: So, you're saying this definitely has nothing to do with ap computer. Student: Nothing we've been working on lately. This is binary code. The ones and zeros are usually used to tell a computer how to operate. Liz: I need you to be more specific. What does this particular sequence mean? Student: Without an application, it means nothing. Tess and Max are walking by. Tess: So, we still on for study? Max: Yeah. Yeah. Your house? Tess: Yeah. I'll see you there. Liz: to the other student I'll talk to you about this later. to Max What's up? Max: Liz, I just want to talk this through. I don't want this to turn into a wr between us, between everyone. Liz: Yeah. Neither do I. Max: Look. The other day at the wake, you were upset about Alex. I understand how you might have said some of the things that you said. Liz: Mm-hmm. Max: I'm willing to forget about it, wipe the slate clean. Liz: Max, maybe it wasn't right for me to say what I said just then, and maybe I could have said it a little bit calmer. But I don't regret it. It's true. Max: Liz, the way you're going about doing this isn't safe. Talking to people at school, asking questions. Whenever we decided to do something, we always decided as a group. Liz: Do you believe me... about Alex? Max: No. Liz: Well, then we can't act as a group right now, Max. She walks away. Scene changes to the music room. Liz is talking to Marie. Marie is setting up a camera to do a photo spread. Liz: Look, whatever happened to Alex happened while he was in Sweden. You know that "Leanna is not Leanna" document? It was created on January 16 while Alex was still there. Maria: Will you hold this like this? She hands her the cameral light. Liz: Yes. "Leanna is not leanna." Well, you think about it in alien terms. It could mean that she's a shapeshifter or a skin or some other type of alien that we don't even know about yet. Maria: You know what? Think about it in human terms, ok? What if he and leanna got in a fight or what if he caught leanna flirting with another boy or something? Liz: I started playing around with the sequence of ones and zeros that alex wrote on the delivery food receipt the night he was mrder. Maria: Please. Do not use that word, liz. Please. Liz: There were 20 altogether. Then I counted the number of letters in the phrase, "leanna is not leanna." 17. Not a match, until I counted the number of spaces between the words. 17 letters plus 3 spaces equals 20. What if there's a connection? Michael walks in. Michael: Hey, can I talk to Maria for a minute? Liz: Sure. He takes the camera light from her Maria: Give me that. Maria takes the camera light and puts it down. Michael: So, what's Liz accusing us of now? Maria: You know what? If you're here to trash-talk, I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause that is the only way I'm gonna get through a simple school day without losing it, all right? Michael: Well, you gotta tell her to get off this Alex thing. Maria: What if she's right, though, you know? What if-- Michael: All the more reason for her not to get involved. It's dangerous. It's not for Liz to look into, or you. Maria: God, I hate this. I just hate that there's this division between all of us. Michael: Well, then, maybe Liz shouldn't have blamed us for klling Alex. Maria: That is not what she said, Michael. Michael: What are you doin'? Maria: It's a yearbook collage me and Liz are doing in memory of Alex. Michael looks at all the intruments lined up along the wall. Michael: And this would be the-- Maria: It's a picture of all his instruments. It's lame, isn't it? Michael: Kind of. Need help? Maria: Why? Are you serious? Michael: Yeah. Maria: Well, I, um... I could use a ride to the photo shop to get some color copies. Michael: Ok. Maria: And then i gotta track down this non-clump spray adhesive, and my exacto Knfe is missing. And, yeah, I haven't collected half of the stuff that we want to put in the collage and, on top of everything, I have a major deadline to meet. Scene changes to outside on the side of a road, Max, Isabel, Michael and Tess are walking and talking. Max: She's obsessed. She keeps talking to people, asking questions. Isabel: Has anybody thought about the possibility that Liz is right? I'm the last person who wants to even remotely consider it, but it's us. Stranger things have happened. Max: No. She isn't right. Isabel: Max, if we just thought about it-- Max: Isabel, no. Liz is wrong, and even if there were anything remotely alien about this, our cover is the best defense. It always has been. Isabel: Not quite. I got a letter from San Francisco. They wait-listed me. Max: Really? Isabel: Yeah. It's good news. You know, Mrs. Fletcher's got everybody working in the guidance counselor's office to get me recommendations, and my teachers are helping. I mean, this could really be a good chance for me. Max just looks at her then looks down. Some people would say, "congratulations." Max: We'll talk about this later. Isabel: Sure. Max and Tess walk away, leaving Michael and Isabel standing there. Scene changes to a bedroom. Max and Tess are sitting together on the floor. Tess: The kiss at the prom. The infamous kiss. Max: Right. Tess: With what happened to Alex, I can understand putting the subject on hold. I couldn't deal with it, either. But now, I just-- I can't help wondering where we are. Max: Right. Right. You and me together, it scares me. Right or wrong, I feel like if I follow that road, I can never go back. Tess: You're scared to go home. Max: What is home? Is home really up there? I just feel like this whole idea about where we come from, and I want to believe it. I want to understand it more and more, but it just feels like this dream... this, this dream that I can never really quite touch or see or...feel. And earth just seems so much more... real. Scene changes to Liz at Sean's door Liz: Hi. Sean: Hey. She comes in and he gets back to plumbing work at the sink. Sorry. I really have to finish this. Liz: It's ok. I just wanted to talk. Sean: I'm really sorry about Alex. Liz: I got your flowers. That was sweet. Thank you. Sean: The girl in the shop said they'd smell nice. Liz: Mm-hmm. They did. Sean: Cool. Liz: You know, I was thinking about our trip to the bowling alley. Sean: Yeah? Liz: Mm-hmm. I was trying to remember how we got in. Sean: Oh. Liz: I mean, did you use, like, a swiss army Knfe or something? You know, to open a lock, I thought that you stuck a Knfe in and jiggled. Sean: Uh, I, uh, I used a pick that I made from a bicycle spoke. Liz: Oh. But you could use a swiss army Knfe, right? Sean: What are you trying to do, Parker? Liz: Break into the school. Sean: Ok. You are aware that I have a record, right? Liz: Yes, and that's why I'm just asking for a little how-to advice. Sean: Ok. You know, I'm not allowed within 1,000 feet of that place. Liz: I know, and I would never put you in that position. Sean: I can't help you, parker. I'm sorry. Scene immediately changes to inside the school, at night, Sean is in dark clothing, so is Liz and he is picking the lock to the guidance counselor's office. Sean: So, what, do you want to change one of your grades or something? Liz: Yeah. Something like that. He gets the door open and hands her some keys. Sean: One of these keys should take care of the filing cabinets. I'm gonna do a sweep of the halls. Liz: Ok. Sean: Hurry. He leaves to check the halls. Liz gets Alex's files from a filing cabinet and makes copies of information about his trip to Sweden. Sean comes back just as she's finishing up. Sean: Our time's up. Liz: Ok. I don't think I got it all. Sean: One rule about breaking and entering-- never stay in the same place for more than 5 minutes. Liz: Well, does that mean we can go back? Sean: Come on. Just then a security guard shines is flashlight in their faces. Security Guard: Hold it right there, you two. Scene changes to Max walking alone through a park at night. He hears a whistle that startles him. It's Michael. Max: Don't do that. Michael: This whole thing with Isabel and college... Max: She can't go. Michael: Do you want me to talk to her about it? Things seem a little tense between you two. Max: Ok. Michael: No problem. Max starts to walk away. Max. Max: What? Michael: Nothin'. Is everything all right? Max: Yeah. Michael: Good. Max: Good. Michael: 'Cause you sort of snapped at Isabel before. You know, about the Liz thing. She was just saying it was a possibility. Max: I know. It's just--if I want to hear theories about Alex's mrder, I could talk to Liz. Michael: Yeah. Max: You think we have something to do with it? Michael: I have no idea. I just wouldn't want our leader to be forming opinions based on what he wants to be true instead of what really is true. Anyway... Max: Michael. The idea that Alex might have died just because we're here... I can't bear it. All those times you would run off chasing some clue to find out where we come from. Why we're here. Where we belong. I always thought you were chasing something that wasn't out there, because in my heart, I believed that we belonged here, you know? That we were human. Lately, I've been thinking that you might have been right all along. Michael: Lately, I've been thinking I might have been wrong all along. They both walk away from each other. Scene changes back to the school. Police are now there, questioning Sean and Liz Police Officer: to Liz Stay here. He walks Sean a short distance away. What are you doing, Deluca? Sean: What do you think, man? She's hot. I was trying to get in her pants. Police Officer: So you broke into the school? Sean: Well, the chicks dig an adrenaline rush. Not this one. She's a buzzkill, deputy. Police Officer: You're a real zero, Deluca. You know that? He walks over to Liz. Young lady, I hope you appreciate the seriousness of your actions tonight. Liz: Oh, yes, sir. Police Officer: I know you're a good kid, and your parents are good folk, too, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. A strong warning. You got it? Liz: Oh, yes, sir. Thank you. Another police officer takes Sean away. Scene changes to Max and Valenti talking. Valenti: Anyway, Hanson told me about it. They were at the school. I didn't get all the details, but it sounded a little out of character for Liz. Max: Unless she was looking for something more specific. Valenti: Well, if that was the case, I figured you'd know what this was about. Listen. I am more than happy, Max, to be left in the dark. In fact, sometimes I think I would prefer that. But you guys are usually a lot more careful about it than this. Max: I'll take care of it. Scene changes to Liz's room. She's trying to call Alex's host family in Sweden. A telephone machine message is delivered in swedish. Liz: Oh! Hello. Hi. Mr. And mrs. Olson, this is liz parker calling again from roswell, new mexico. I'm a friend of alex whitman, your exchange student. If you could please just call me back at any time, it is extremely important. My cell phone number is 505-555-0125. Please just call. You know, collect is fine. Please, just call as soon as possible. Um...ok. Thank you. Scene changes to school. Isabel is at a table outside looking at brochures. Michael walks up and sits next to her. Michael: Hey. Isabel: Hey. Michael: So, this is the college. Isabel: Yeah. Yeah. As a freshman, my housing choices are pretty limited, but this is the dorm I want. It's close to everything good. Michael: Nice. Isabel: Yeah. Michael: But you can't go. Isabel: Excuse me? Michael: Isabel, you know the drill. We have to stay in roswell. We stick together. It's a given. Isabel: I've made up my mind. Michael: What happens if we need you back here? What are you gonna tell your roommates or your professors? "Oh, sorry, dr. So-and-so, "but I gotta miss sociology "because some fresh gandarium sprang up in the roswell sewers." Isabel: Michael-- Michael: I'm not done. I mean, who's paying for all this cross-country travel? Do you know what a last-minute plane ticket costs nowadays? Isabel: So, I'll change dollar bills into hundreds. Michael: You can do that? Isabel: I just need a change. Michael: Look. When Alex died, none of us could have known how much it would affect us. You running away isn't gonna help you get over it any quicker. Isabel: I'm just trying to have a life. Michael: Yeah, and I'm suggesting you don't make a huge decision right now. Not when your emotions are still running high. Isabel: Isn't that when you make all of your decisions? Michael: This is final. Isabel: It's not for you to say. Michael: No, but I'm speaking for Max. Isabel: You know what? You tell Max that if he has something to say to me, he'd best find the time to say it himself. She walks away. Scene changes to a classroom. A yearbook meeting is being held. Maria is explaining about the photo spread. Maria: It's gonna be great. I mean, there's still a lot of stuff left to collect. Like, there's this poster of his first gig in hondo, and then, we're trying to get ahold of this poem that he wrote about when his dog got his leg amputated, 'cause, you know, you can't have a collage about Alex without capturing his sense of humor, so, anyway, it's a work-in-progress, clearly. Teacher: Well, maria. Now, you were supposed to be delivering camera-ready art. Maria: Art. Yes. I know. It's a lot better than it looks. Teacher: Ok, we're already holding the presses for this. Maria: I understand. Teacher: And as much as I think that we're all devastated about Alex, I don't think that it's in the wishes of the student body to not get their yearbooks until after graduation. Maria: Look. If you could just give me 48 hours-- Teacher: Ok. Maybe we should think about compromising a little. I mean, do you really need to have every single piece of memorabilia in the collage? Maria: Yes. Yes, I do, and I will--we will-- liz and I will. Teacher: Ok, and where is Liz, anyway? Scene changes to a hallway at school. Liz is on a cell phone talking to the Swedish embassy. Liz: I've checked every tour book, and I can't find anything that matches. Mr. Stockman: Miss Parker, I appreciate your interest in my country, but it's impossible for me to spend the day tracking down a building for you. Liz: You don't understand how important this is. Please. It is 4 stories completely covered in-- Mr. Stockman: --glass. You've described it. Look. Once I get through this pile of paperwork on my desk, I'll try to-- Liz: --what if I e-mailed it to you? You know, maybe that would work. Please. Mr. Stockman: My address is on our website. I can't promise anything. Liz: Oh, no. I will send it today. Thank you so much. Thank you. Meanwhile, Max has walked up behind her. Max: What the hell were you and Sean Deluca doing here last night? Liz: Max, not now. I have to find a place that'll scan this. Max: Why? Who were you just talking to? Liz: The Swedish embassy in Washington. Max: This has to stop. I will consider the possibility that Alex was klled by an alien if you consider the possibility that he klled himself. Liz: No, he didn't! Max: And what if he did? Then you are doing nothing but raising people's suspicions about us. You have nothing to lose here, and we have everything to lose. Liz: Let go of me. He looks down, realizes he's gripping her arm, lets go and walks away. Scene changes to Max sitting outside in the park, it's night time. Tess walks up to him. Tess: Hey. You ok? I want to show you something. Scene changes to the observatory and Tess and Max are looking at the stars through their high powered telescopes. Tess: You see that star, the way it wobbles? Max: Is that our planet? Tess: No, it's called Barnard's star. You can see that star from our planet, too. Our world's out there, Max. It's not close, and sometimes it seems like a dream to me, too, but it's real, and I know you know that, too. That's reality, Max. This...this is the dream. Max: If that's the truth, when do we wake up? Tess: That's up to you. Scene changes to a bedroom. Liz is at a computer, still looking for clues. There's a knock at the door. Liz: Come in. Maria: Liz, you missed another yearbook meeting. The least you could've done was call. Liz: Yes, I am sorry to have to put all that stuff on you right now. Maria: Stuff? Liz: Yeah, but you know what? I'm closing in on this Leanna girl. They went on a cross-country tour together. I've got everything mapped out, but this is where things don't add up. Alex's itinerary says they were headed for the Baltic Islands, and the date on the photo matches the schedule, but there is no building that looks like this in the Baltic Islands, or--or in any of the other cities that Alex visited for that matter. I mean, maybe she took him to-- Maria: Would you just listen to yourself? Liz: I don't even know where-- to, like, another country or another planet. Maria-- Maria: Stop it and listen to me, all right? I need my best friend right now because our other best friend just died, and I feel lost and scared and just completely wrecked, and I know that we're supposed to go to school, and go to work, and finish this yearbook tribute, but I just can't-- I don't have a handle on things. I feel like everything is just slipping by me, and I don't even-- I don't even know if I'm alive right now. So please, just stop focusing on this thing, that isn't even there. And just be sad with the rest of us, ok? Please. Liz: So you don't believe me, either. Maria: I'm--no, I'm sorry, I guess I don't, Liz. Liz: Leave the sweden stuff. I need it. Maria: God, you know, you're doing this for Alex, but you don't care whose life you screw up in the way. Liz: That's not true. Maria: Oh, it's not? How about Sean? Have you even thought about him for a second since he ruined his probation for you? God, I don't even know you anymore. Scene changes to Sean at home, trying to unplug the sink with a broom handle. There's a knock at the door. Sean: Hey. Liz: Hi. Sean: Maria's not here. Liz: I know. I wanted you. Look, thank you, um, for taking the heat the other night with Hanson. It was very heroic of you. And look, I'm sorry, you know. I know I should've called. Do you have to go to jail? Sean: Aunt Amy talked to Valenti, Valenti talked to Hanson. Basically, I'm gonna be doing community service until I'm, like, senile, but they kept it off my record. Liz: Thank god. Sean: He tries the plugged disposal again. Piece of crap. He then offers a drink to Liz. Liz: Oh, no, thank you. Yeah, I should go. Sean: Armored truck heist? Liz: No, not exactly. Sean: How about some company then? Liz: Oh, I don't think that I would be very good company right now. Sean: I don't know, Parker. I'm pretty easy to entertain. Liz: Yeah, and I appreciate the offer, but, um, you know, I'm just sort of in the middle of something really huge right now, and I need to be really focused on it, so I should just do it alone. Sean: And you can't tell me what it is. Liz: Right. Sean: So, let me get this straight. I can't date you. I can't hang out with you. Is there anything I can do with you? Liz: Uh-uh. Not yet. I'm sorry. She starts to walk away but then turns back and kisses him, then leaves. Scene changes to Michaels place. There's a knock on his door. Michael: The print shop. I totally forgot. Maria: You were supposed to pick me up at 4:00. I call you and your line is disconnected. Michael: Yeah, I forgot to pay my phone bill. Maria: I was worried about you. I thought something happened to you. Michael: No, I'm fine. Come on, we'll go right now. Maria: No, no. She walks in and sits on his couch. Michael: Maria, the print shop doesn't close until 7:00. We have time. Maria, I'm right here. I just forgot. Maria: I can't count on you. Michael: Yes, you can. I'll take care of this. I mean, I'm right here for you. Maria: But you won't always be. Michael: What? Maria: One day you're gonna leave me. You're gonna get on a spaceship and go away, and you being the perfect boyfriend right now is really not helping me. I can't lose anyone else, Michael. My heart can't handle it. She leaves. Scene changes to Liz on the phone. She finally gets through to the host family that Alex stayed with. Man: Hey. Liz: Hi, Mr. Olson. Hi, this is Liz Parker calling from the United States. I'm calling about Alex Whitman. Man: This is not Mr. Olson. Liz: Oh, may I speak to him, please? Man: No one by that name lives here. Liz: Well, I'm holding something that says this is their number. 46-17-84-72-59 Man: That is the number you dialed, but my name is Lind, and, please, I would appreciate you not calling again. Good-bye. He hangs up. She looks at the condolence card sent by the Olsons and sees the name of the florist that sent them. Scene changes to Liz at the florist shop. Liz: Their address should be right there on the sales slip. Florist: If it's an international order, all we take's a credit card number. Liz: Ok, well, can i have that then? Florist: No. Liz: No, no, I'm not some psycho stalker. I am just looking to confirm a phone number or an address, you know, anything. Florist: Why don't you try directory assistance? Liz: Because there's over 40,000 Olsons in Sweden. Florist: Well, I sorry, but-- Liz: No, you're not! I'm in an impossible situation. I need to locate someone in Sweden. I'm here in Roswell. You have the information. Why can't you just give it to me? Florist: Because I'm trying to run a business, not a detective agency. Scene changes to a bank. Liz is taking money out of the bank. Teller: counting out money 51, 52, 53. That's $2,053.78. Let me guess. First car? Liz: A trip to Europe. Scene changes to school. Isabel is sitting at a table. Max walks up to her. Max: Great news. Isabel: Mine's even better. Mrs. Fleischauer called and talked to someone up in San Francisco. They can't say officially, but I'm high on their list. Max: I figured out a way we can make this work. He pulls out a Santa Fe book and hand it to her. Isabel: Santa Fe State? Max: I talked to one of their admissions counselors. They love Santa Fe. They wouldn't shut up about the whole night life there. Best of all, the university has rolling admissions. So you can start as early as next winter. Isabel: But I didn't apply to Santa Fe State. Max: But that's what the application's for, Iz. It's perfect. You'll only be a few hours away, and I think we can talk mom and dad into getting you a car or something so you can be mobile. Isabel: I don't want to go to Santa Fe State, Max. She hands the book back to him. Max: Isabel, you've been indulged in this for too long. Isabel: Indulged? In planning my future? "Isabel Evans has really enjoyed growing up in Roswell, and as much as she loves her hometown and shows that love through hours of community service, I believe Roswell is just too small to contain the potential of a woman like Isabel Evans." This--this is from Mrs. Seymour at the homeless shelter. That's what she think about me, and I have dozens, dozens of other recommendations just like it. Do you know why? Because as far as the outside world is concerned, Max, I'm a bright and talented upstanding member of the community of planet earth. I've played the role to perfection. Now, it is my turn. Max: Don't make me the bad guy in all this. Isabel: You are the bad guy in all of this. How could you send Michael to come and talk to me? It's like the alien mafia. Max: You can't go. Isabel: I have news for you, little brother. I'm going. I'm going to college in San Francisco. Every teacher in West Roswell High knows it. Mom and dad are thrilled about it, so either jump on the band wagon or get out of my way. Get out. She walks away, he follows. Max: Isabel... Isabel, if I have to, I will do everything in my power to keep you here. I will tell our parents you have a drug problem. I will notify your teachers that you have cheated on every test for the last 3 years. If you ever leave Roswell without my consent, I will physically drag you back. For the last time, the answer is no. Period. Isabel: You're klling me. Max: You let it get this far. Isabel: Fine. This Isabel Evans is dad. You want to be the leader? See how it works without any followers. She walks away. Student: Ooh, Isabel Evans, you are so hot when you're pissed. Isabel throws him down the hall and against a locker with a flick of her hand and continues to walk away. Scene changes to Amy, now trying to unplug the disposal at home. Amy: Piece of crap. Michael: Need some help? I'm pretty good with this kind of thing. Amy: Michael, you're in a house full of very self-sufficient women here. Michael: Why don't you just get a new one? Amy: Me and this garbage disposal have had a pretty good relationship. Michael: Yeah, but what if it broke down for good? What if, like, in his own way, he wanted out permanently? Amy: Do you think he's thinking of leaving? Michael: Well, maybe he realizes he can't be around forever. And to just stay and be here, and crush garbage until he leaves will give people a false sense of security. Amy: Look, Michael, we're both getting what we need out of this situation. And, sure, the disposal won't always be around, but what if. Maybe tomorrow isn't something to really worry about. Michael: Maybe. Amy: Give me that hammer. He hands her a hammer, she starts pounding on the pipes under the sink and Michael passes his hand over the clogged disposal, fixing it. Amy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you see that? I fixed it. Michael: Nice one, Ms. Deluca. Amy: Yeah! Scene changes to a road outside Roswell. Liz is sitting on a fence, with packed bags at her feet. Max drives up. Max: Liz, where are you going? Liz: Sweden. Max: Are you kidding me? Get in the car. Liz: No. Max: What did you tell your parents? Liz: I'm gonna call them from the airport and tell them my girlfriend in Florida had a crisis and she needed me. Max: They'll call your aunt. Your aunt will say you're not there. Liz: Well, then, I'll think of something else. The cab driver pulls up. Cab Driver: He looks at Max. You the airport? Liz: No. Actually, I am. You're late. Max: Liz, don't get in that cab. Liz: to the cab driver Load it up. Max: He takes one of her bags from her and puts it in his jeep. Liz, get in my car. Liz: She takes it backWhat are you gonna do? You're gonna throw me in it? Max: You have to listen to me. Liz: Don't even pull that king card on me, Max. I'm not Isabel. You can't boss me around. Max: If this is about being pissed at me, fine. Punish me all you want. But what about everyone else? What you're doing puts them at risk. Liz: What I'm doing may save their lives. Max: You have a responsibility to Michael, Isabel, and Tess not to get in that cab. Liz: Uh-huh, and I have a responsibility to alex to find out what really happened. Max: Liz, if you go, our friendship is over. Liz: I guess that's the price I have to pay. Somebody k*lled Alex and covered up his death. Why don't you see that, Max? Wake up. She gets in the cab and it pulls away, leaving him standing there. Scene changes to Maria's house. She walks in on Michael at the table. Maria: What's this? Michael: Sit down. We've been through some rough stuff lately. The thing is, you're right. I can't really imagine it happening, but I am gonna leave someday. It could be a year, or 2, or 50. But I'm gonna leave. It sucks. It's the choice we made to be together. But there is one thing that I can promise you, and that is that I can give you now. Maria is crying and kisses his hand. Then Michael starts helping her with the photo spread, the pieces of which are all over the kitchen table. Michael: Now, I was thinking, um, this could go with that. Scene changes to the observatory. Max is there looking at the stars when Tess walks up. Tess: I thought I'd find you here. Max: My whole life I've wanted to be this person, this normal person. Human. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. This thing that made me a freak. This monster. I realize that I haven't just been hiding from the government and the law all this time. I've been hiding from myself. I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I knew but I don't. I've lost everyone. Tess: I'll be here for eternity. They kiss. Max: I'm ready to wake up now. They kiss again. The scene is then mixed with another scene of Liz running to make her plane on time and Max and Tess making love in the observatory. Liz is about to get on the plane when she receives a phone call from the Swedish Embassy. Mr. Stockman: Ms. Parker? Mr. Stockman from the embassy. We found your building. There's just one curiosity-- that structure was torn down in 1994. 3 people in my office have confirmed it. That building is gone. Liz: (to herself) He never went to Sweden.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x18 - It's Too Late and It's Too Bad"}	foreverdreaming
"Baby, It's You" Episode: 19 41st Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA19 Written by: Lisa Klink Original Air Date: Monday May 7, 2001 [Episode begins with one of Maria's chalkboard narratives] Maria: Alex was klled in a car crash, which usually means accident, but the police thought it could be a su1c1de. Now those of us who knew Alex know that he would never ever do something like that, which is why I went back to the accident and Liz--she went somewhere else entirely. She has decided that Alex was mrder by an alien, which is why now there's this huge rift between Max and Liz. I mean, it's beyond the worst fight they ever had, but I think that Liz will be able to keep pursuing this without any interference from Max because he's a little preoccupied lately. It was just one kiss; a moment of weakness. I doubt it went any further than that… [Scene begins with Max and Tess sleeping in the observatory in each other's arms. Max wakes up and looks down to see Tess sleeping beside him.] Tess: Hey. Max: : Hey. [Tess then starts to sleep again. Later, Max and Tess arrives at her house, unlocking it so no one can wake up. When they come in, Kyle spies on what they're up to.] Tess: I guess I'll see you at school. Max: Yeah. [Max and Tess kiss as Kyle sees the whole thing.] Tess: Is everything ok? Max: Yeah...yeah great. [Then Valenti appears.] Valenti: Where the hell have you...? [Valenti sees Max] Max! Valenti: (to Tess) Go to your room. Tess: Yes, sir. Max: Sheriff... Valenti: Go home, Max. We'll talk about this later. Max: Right. Max leaves and Valenti turns around to see that Kyle was awake. Kyle: Hey, Dad. [Scene switches to Tess' room where Tess is feeling her stomach, realizing that she is pregnant.] Tess: Oh my god. [Opening Credits] [Liz is knocking on Maria's window and Maria opens it.] Maria: Liz, do you know what time it is? Liz: I need to talk to you. [Liz and Maria are in Maria's room going through pictures.] Liz: Alex and his supposed girlfriend Leanna standing in front of some building in Sweden--now the problem is...the building was torn down in 1994. 1994, Maria, think about, Alex was ten. Maria: Ok, I'm so creeped out right now. So who's Leanna then? Liz: You know she could be some girl that Alex never met, put in these photos with him, just like the buildings. Maria: Or she could be an alien kller. So wait, if Alex never went to Sweden and he wasn't here, then where was he? Liz: I don't know, that's what we got to find out. I can't do this by myself. I really need your help. [Isabel is in the Evans kitchen, doing stretching exercises before her jog.] Max: Morning. You-you're going for a run? That must be up to five to six miles by now. [Isabel ignores him more and switches legs to stretch.] Max: Look, I know you're still mad and everything, but uh, I-I really need to uh, to talk to someone. [Isabel then stops her exercises, pulls a chair from the table, slams it down in front of Max, sits and glares at him.] Max: Well, it's not easy to say, but uh, especially to my sister, but uh, you know that Tess and I have been giving a long and kind of cross and last night, we...things...something came up between us...something happened. Isabel: You slept with her?! Max: Yeah. Isabel: Wow. Congratulations, Max. You lost your virginity. [Isabel unenthusiastically applauds.] Max: Is... Isabel: Oh gee, I'm sorry. Were you looking for some sort of comfort or sympathy before you went off and washed her dried sweat from your body? Or hey, did you guys do it in the shower? Max: Forget it. Isabel: His majesty will now retire to his room! Max: We didn't plan it, alright? It just happened. I'm feeling a little weird about it right now and...I'm just hoping... Isabel: You were wrong. I don't care about your morning after anxieties, or your delicate feelings, because my feelings sure as hell don't matter to you! [Isabel stomps off. Then, we see Tess waiting at the front of the school for Max to show up.] Tess: Hey. Max: Hey. Tess: Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something. Max: Oh.. Tess: Yeah. Michael: Yo. Max: (acting hyper) Hey, Michael. [Looks at Tess.] Max: Hey. Michael: Hey? Max: Tess and I were actually just talking. [Max looks at Tess again and nods.] Michael: Alright, later. Max: Great! Michael: Fantastic. [MIchael leaves.] Tess: We can talk about it tonight. Max: Are you sure? Tess: Yeah. There's no rush. [Max and Tess look at Michael, Isabel, and Kyle.] Tess: Max, if it's better for you to keep all this between the two of us right now... Max: No, no it's not. [Max reaches down and takes Tess' hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Tess smiles as they approach Michael, Isabel, and Kyle, passing them.] [Next, we see Isabel, sitting alone at the bleachers at the football field, staring at Alex's memorial, and Kyle appears and sits down next to Isabel.] Kyle: So, how do you feel about this whole Max/Tess development? ISABEL: Well, I'm not speaking to my brother, so if you have something you want to know, you'll have to ask him. God, I hate this place, do you think I have to just sit here and rot for the rest of my life? Kyle: You know what, you aliens are the most pathetic group of people that I ever met. Isabel: Goodbye, Kyle. Kyle: "Oh, we've got to keep our secret safe; we've got to be boring and brooding". If I had one tenth of your power... Isabel: What would you do? Kyle: I'd have fun! [Isabel laughs.] Kyle: You know, fun? Enjoying myself, getting away from this whole doom and gloom thing you guys wallow in, especially you lately. Isabel: Shut up. What's your idea of fun? [Scene shifts as we watch Kyle pulling out an issue of Playboy magazine.] Isabel: I'm not touching that. Kyle: Jody Ann Paterson likes long walks in the rain, unicorns, and funny guys. Isabel: A playmate? Are you serious? Kyle: Oh, man, she's not just some playmate, she's playmate of the whole freakin' year. Isabel: Mmm-hmm. Kyle: All right, are you sure it's going to work? Isabel: Well, it has in the past, but of course that was a life-and-death situation. Kyle: Well, then I'll die happy. Isabel: Oh, good. [Isabel and Kyle touches Jody Ann's picture in the magazine for the dream sequence as we watch Kyle and Isabel exercising with her.] Kyle: Hey, make her dump her water on her top. Isabel: I'm gonna have to read Backlash twice after this! Why don't you just go talk to her? Kyle: I can? Really? Isabel: Yeah. Kyle: This is...what do I say? Isabel: Talk to her about unicorns. Kyle: Hey Jody Ann. Girl: This is a private gym. [Kyle looks around and spots cake. He feeds the girl cake; she licks the leftovers off his fingers.] Girl: Who are you? Kyle: I'm the towel boy. The showers are this way. [Isabel ends the dream.] Isabel: Ohh! Kyle: No! Isabel: Oh, this may comes as a surprise to you, but I really don't need to see that! Kyle: Well, then bring a book, let's go back. Isabel: No dice! Kyle: Oh well that was good for me, what can we do for you? Isabel: Have I mention that I hate my brother? Kyle: We can blow him up. I Sabel: You really have a sick little mind, don't you? Kyle: Isabel, Buddha teaches us that some of us are born with stones and some of us are born with jewels, but the most that fulfilled of us are those who were born with stones and turn them into jewels. Isabel: What the hell are you talking about? Kyle: You wanna get back at your brother, right? Isabel: Yes. Kyle: Ok, then bring your powers to the party and I'll drive. Isabel: All right. [Maria works on a computer to uncover an e-mail Alex sent to her while on his trip to Sweden. At Derek's house, Maria asks to help her uncover the email.] Maria: I uh, I need you to tell me exactly where this email is sent from. DEREK: You're Liz Parker's friend, right? Maria: Maria Deluca, it's really nice to meet you, so... Derek looks at the email carefully. Derek: Um, the origination point has been encrypted. Maria: Obviously, I-I need you to do your computer nerd stuff and figure out exactly where this email came from. Derek: You're asking me to do something illegal. Maria: And... [Meanwhile, Max and Tess are sitting on a bench in a park to talk about the "truth".] Tess: You seem quiet. Max: I'm not. Tess: Max, this just isn't the time to feel you pulling away from me. [Max puts his hand around Tess.] Max: It's just...what happened between us...it has all these...implications. What did you want to say to me before? Tess: Oh, I don't know if it was such a good time. Max: That's ok. Tess: Well, something sort of came up. Max: Came up? Tess: I'm not sure how to say this. I'm pregnant. [Liz is knocking on Valenti's door when Tess greets her.] Tess: Liz. Liz: Hi, Tess. Tess: So, are you here about me and Max? Liz: No, um, I....well, I wanted to talk to you, actually. Tess: Oh, sure. Liz: Um, I just um, you know I have questions about your powers, mind control especially. Tess: What kind of questions? Liz: You know, um, anything that you can tell me, but um, like... Max: Hey, your door's... [He finds Liz with Tess, who he is unhappy to see.] Max: What are you doing here? Liz: Um, nothing, you know, we were just...we're talking, I should go. Max: Talking about what? Liz: Nothing. Tess: Max, you know, it's ok, forget about it. Max: No, I wanna know. Liz: We'll just talk later. Max: No, please don't go on my account. Go ahead and ask your questions. Tess: Max, she's just had a few questions about my powers, that's all. Max: New theory? Liz: I just wanted to know some things about mind control and I thought- Max: Oh, so Tess klled Alex. Is that your theory? Liz: No. Tess: Max, she didn't say that. Max: That's what you're thinking, why don't you just ask it?! Liz: Max, of course that's not what I'm thinking! Max: Tess, did you kll Alex? Tess: Max. Max: What were you doing on the night that he died? Liz: Will you stop it?! Max: Go ahead! what were you doing?! Kyle: She was with me. We were watching Gladiator on video. Max: An alibi. From one of your own. Liz: Can I leave now? Max: Yep. Liz quickly leaves and Max shuts the door. Kyle: Is everything ok? Max: Fine! Tess: Yeah, yeah everything's fine, Kyle. [At Liz's balcony, she's lying on a chair when Maria comes in through the window.] Maria: Liz! Liz! Liz: What? Maria: I was thinking to myself, right. How is it that Alex sent these emails from Sweden when he's isn't actually in Sweden, right? So, I took the emails that he sent me and went to Derek, all right, and he used his nerdness to uncover that the emails were sent from right here in New Mexico. Liz: Are you telling me that Alex never left Roswell? Maria: No, he--he did, he just--he didn't go far. The emails were sent from a dorm room from the University of New Mexico in Las Cruces. [Scene shifts to the next day, Liz and Maria are carrying luggage to go to Las Cruces.] Maria: Got everything? Liz: Hmm-hmm. [As they open the door, Michael is standing in front of them. Maria: Michael.] Michael: Where are you going? Liz: Santa Fe. Michael: What's in Santa Fe? Liz: Uh, Alex's...grandmother, she couldn't make it to the funeral and so they are having a memorial service. Michael: Right. Let me talk to Maria for a second, it's personal. Liz: Ok, sure, uh... Maria: You could take this. Liz: Yes, I'll just be in the car. Maria: Ok. [Liz exits. Michael comes in and closes the door.] Michael: Where are you going? Maria: Santa Fe. Michael: Maria, where are you going? Maria: Michael. Michael: Liz doesn't want us to know because she and Max are at wr, so here's the thing: I'm not going to tell Max, but I need to know, because if wherever you're going turns out to be dangerous, I'm sure as hell gonna be there to protect you. So, where are you going? Maria: We're going to Las Cruces, to the University. And if Liz found out that I told you, I will lose her as a friend. Michael: First sign of danger - you contact me. Promise? [Maria nods her head.] Michael: Absolutely promise? Maria: Yes. [Michael kisses Maria and exits.] [Scene switches to school where Max and Michael are lining up for yearbooks.] Max: Liz and Maria aren't in school today. Michael: Yeah, I noticed. Max: Have any idea where they are? Michael: No. Max: I don't have enough to deal with already. [Looking through yearbook pages, Max turns to the page where his picture is located and sees that his class photo has been replaced with a picture of an alien.] Michael: Mine sucks, too. [Max and Michael look at Kyle and Isabel who are watching with giant smirks on their faces.] Michael: So, what else are you dealing with? [Scene shifts to Max and Michael playing basketball.] Max: Just stuff, you know. Michael: Relationship stuff. Max: Well, Tess and I are sort of... Michael: Yeah, I know. Max: The thing is the other night, things between us kind of… advanced. MICHAEL: How far did they advance? Max: I would say they advanced just about as far as possible. MICHAEL: You and Tess actually had... Max: ...Hot alien sex, yes. Michael: How was it? Max: Well, it's probably a lot like human sex. Except the point of culmination. Michael: The point of what? Max: You kinda feel like you're floating and this--this hot electric energy courses through your body. Michael: How long does that last? Max: About an hour. The thing is, there's been a complication. MICHAEL: What? Alien herpes? Max: No, nothing like that. Michael: Whoa, clearly, you didn't have any performance problems, and other than getting Tess pregnant, which you're too smart to do, what else could there be? [Max looks at Michael.] Michael: You got Tess pregnant? Holy crap! Max: She says it's growing fast. Nasedo said alien pregnancies take about a month. Michael: What's inside her? I mean, is it human? Is it alien? Max: Well, we can't exactly go get a sonogram. Michael: You're actually going to go through with this? Max: I don't know if I have any choice here. This is out in my hands. I can't tell Tess what to do! Michael: Why not? You're the king. Max: Which makes her the queen. Michael: Maxwell, if this thing comes out green with four fingers and three eyes, that puts a major cramp in our hide-in-plain-sight strategy. Max: So, what are you suggesting? Michael: I'm suggesting you point out to Tess how this could screw up our lives... forever. She's gotta know - this affects all of us! {At the university, Liz and Maria are searching a dorm room which has nothing.] Maria: Probably empty. Liz: Nothing. [They keep searching until a student comes by.] Student: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? Liz: Uh, yeah, um, actually we are looking for a friend who stayed in this room for a while. Student: Ray. Maria: Ray? Liz: Yes, Ray. Student: He was here for a couple of months; hardly said a word; very weird guy. Maria: Did you see what he was doing here and maybe like why he came in the middle of the semester and all? Student: You don't understand. Ray never left the room. The only time he opened the door was when they delivered his Thai food. Liz: Thai food. Student: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday. Food fetish, if you ask me. Maria: So, wait, you mean he literately never left the dorm? Student: Well, at least not in the daytime. There was this one night I was out partying. I come back pretty late. I saw him coming out of the Litvack building. It's, like, 4:00 in the morning. We're the only 2 people on campus. We're like 5 feet away from each other. The guy doesn't even acknowledge my presence. Pretty creepy. Maria: Yeah, sounds it. Liz: So what's in the Litvack building? Student: Computers. I mean I'm not really into that kind of stuff, but apparently the university has this incredible super computer. [Inside the pod chamber, Max and Tess look for information they have about their past lives.] Tess: What are we doing here? Max: This is everything we have from where we come from. [takes out the alien book] This book... if we knew how to read it, it would probably have all the answers for us. Tess: What answers are we looking for? Max: I guess answers about what exactly we're getting ourselves into. Tess, this is my child, too and I fully accept that, but I also want you to know that this is your decision and I will respect whatever you decide... TESS: Max, I'm having this baby. Max: Okay. Max puts the book away and stands up. Tess: Thanks for the support. Max: I said I would stand by you. Tess: Don't sound so excited about it. Max: Hey, my entire life changed overnight and I think I'm entitled to get a little freaked! Tess: And I'm not? Don't you think I'm a little flipped out by this whole... Max: That's not what I meant, I... [ Then Tess starts to feel pain.] Tess: [in pain] Max. Max: What is it? Tess: The baby. [Max pulls up Tess' shirt and sees the red handprint glowing from inside Tess' stomach. Max puts his hand over it as we see Max hyperventilating through what he saw.] Tess: Max? Max: I...saw the baby. It's a boy. [At Las Cruces, Nelly Furtado is about to perform her song "I'm Like A Bird".] Nelly Furtado: Hey Las Cruces, how are you doing tonight? Whoo. [Maria and Liz are walking towards campus.] Liz: We're so close, Maria. We're so close to figuring this all out. Maria: I hope so. [Then Liz and Maria turns towards Nelly Furtado.] Maria: Oh my god, it's Nelly Furtado. Please, one, one song? Liz: Ok, one song. Maria: Ok, ok. [Maria and Liz rushed over to join in the crowd for "just one song", by Nelly Furtado. As Liz looks around in the crowd, she notices Leanna .] Liz: Oh my gosh. Maria, that's her. That's the girl with the blond hair, that's Leanna, that's her. Maria: Wait a minute, no way, no way. [Let's see. Looking at Leanna's picture to make sure. Leanna stares back at them.] Maria: That's totally her. It's the girl from Sweden. What the hell is she doing here? Liz: We have to go talk to her. Maria: N-n-nooo, this is getting too dangerous. We have to call Michael-Liz: She's leaving, we gotta go get her. Come on, come on. [Maria and Liz start to run as they saw Leanna on the street.] Liz: Right there. [They start to chase after Leanna, unfortunately they weren't fast enough when they tried to get across the street. As a bus passes by, Leanna disappeared. Suddenly, a hand grabs Liz's shoulder. It was Michael.] Michael: I wanna know everything. [In school, Kyle and Isabel played another prank on Max. Kyle pulled the fre alarm switch for a fre drill. Everyone got up to get in line. Max gets up and his shoes are stuck onto the floor.] Teacher: OK, everyone, this is a fre drill. You know the procedure... go to the nearest exit in a quietly and orderly fashion. Ok, people, let's keep going, come on, keep moving. This could be for real, keep moving. Moving, people. Care to join us, Max? Kyle: That's a classic. Teacher: Mr. Evans, I do not find this amusing. You can't ever be certain when a fre drill is an actual emergency. Max: I'm coming. [While heading towards the Litvack Computer Sciences building, Liz talks to a professor who can help her.] Liz: So, what exactly so special about these computers, anyway? PROFESSOR: Nothing yet. Right now there just multi-million dollar toys. The greatest potential's in the field of cryptography. In theory, a quantum computer can break just about any code. [Sitting at one of the computers, he attempts to find something.] Professor: Okay, now where getting somewhere. He was definitely trying to decode something; something major. Liz: Is there any way of finding out what he was doing? Professor: Maybe, I'm not sure if we did can penetrate. Liz: Wanna try? Professor: Right. [In the Valenti living room, Max and Tess are sitting on a couch. Max is going through classified ads on apartments.] Tess: What are you doing? Max: I've been thinking. If we're gonna have a baby, maybe we should get a place of our own. Tess: You mean that? Really? Max: I don't know how practical it would be. I don't even know if you want to. Tess: I want to start planning our future. I just wonder if that future is gonna be in Roswell. Max: You want to go somewhere else? Tess: I always thought the ultimate plan was to go home. Our real home. Max: It is. Someday. But we don't know when that's gonna be. I think we had enough to deal with the in here and now. Don't you? Tess: Yeah, you're right. [Back to Liz and the professor. As they watch the computer screen, Maria and Michael knocked on the door to get Liz's attention.] Liz: It'll be back in just one second. [Liz comes out the door.] Maria: We found Leanna. Her real name is Jennifer Coleman. Liz: Yeah, well, I'm onto something, too. You guys shouldn't be here. I'll meet you in the quad. Michael: I got a better idea; we're going back to Roswell. Liz: Did Maria tell you what we found? Michael: Yeah. Liz: And you still don't believe anything's going on? Michael: Forget it. Let's get out of here. The situation isn't safe for you two. Liz: We're too close to the truth. I'm not leaving. [Michael grabs her wrist.] Maria: Liz. Michael: This isn't optional. You're coming back with me. Liz: You can't tell me what to do. Professor: Liz, I found Ray's source material. [Liz goes back to the computer as Michael and Maria follow.] Professor: Pretty strange looking stuff. It's some sort of language. Looks kind of Native American. [As Michael looks at it closely, he received flashes from the time he's seen the symbols are alien.] Michael: Where the hell did this come from? Liz: This is what Alex was working on while he was here. Michael: What was he doing? Professor: Decoding whatever this language is. Michael: Translating it into English. Professor: Exactly. Michael: Was he able to do it? Professor: Well, he deleted all the results. The last day he was here, he created this huge text file. He emailed it to another address: jcoleman(a)ulascruces.edu. Liz: jcoleman. He emailed to Leanna. [Back to Max and Tess. Max is in Tess' room reading the alien book, while Tess is getting drinks.] Tess: You want regular or diet? Max: Regular. Thanks. [Max puts down the book and gets the newspaper. He sees that Tess drew a heart with an arrow through it and written Max underneath. Suddenly, the glasses break and Tess crying out.] Max: Tess? Tess, what is it? Tess: The baby. Something's wrong. [Max puts his hand on her stomach, like a sonogram. He sees the baby wobbling and feeling pain inside. The strain registers his face. Suddenly he falls back, with a sharp intake of breath, with fear.] Tess: Max, what's wrong with him? Max: He's sick. It's the atmosphere. This planet is poisoning him! Our son is dying. [Liz, Michael, and Maria are at Leanna/Jennifer's dorm room, talking to her roommate.] Roommate: I'm sorry. Jennifer isn't here. Michael: Well, do you know when she's gonna be back? Roommate: Probably not for a few days. She had to go home all of a sudden. Liz: All of a sudden? Roommate: Yeah, she got a call this morning, her mom's in the hospital, so she just packed up some stuff and went. Maria: That's just terrible because I know that Jen and her mom are pretty close. Listen, before she went, did she happen to give you notes from physics class she said that I can borrow? Roommate: No, she didn't say anything about it. Liz: Oh, you know, they're probably in her room. You don't mind if we just, you know... Roommate: Well, actually, she just… [Liz and Michael are going through collect mail, etc. and putting it in their pockets, while Maria distracts the roommate.] Maria: Do you remember what hospital her mom's at? I would just love to send some flowers, 'cause I really think the support of others, you know, friends, can really help someone through a hard time. Like, there was this time when my-- my grandfather died. He did, and I was-- I was just so wrecked, I--I couldn't stop crying, and then I received this basket of cookies from--from everybody in my English class, and it just put a smile on my face for the first time in weeks. Liz: Here we go. We got the notes. Maria: Thanks so much. [They all leave without saying anything. Outside the dorm, they are going through her mail.] Liz: So Leanna did see us last night. She knew that we were on to her and she skipped town. Maria: God, who knew we were so intimidating, huh? Michael: Magazine renew notice, credit card application, bank statement, something from Open Sky Property Management. This is a bill for renting a property outside Las Cruces. Maria: I'll drive. [Scene shifts to them driving to the property. They discovered that it doesn't look as it should look. They search around for stuff.] Maria: Guessing not a party pad. Liz: Why would anybody rent this? M Ichael: Because they got something to hide. [They search the place and Liz and Maria discovers a computer in the room off the kitchen and when they went in, it sets off a security device - a glowing, red, pyramid shaped object that started to beep faster and faster, more like to explode.] Maria: Liz! [Michael used his powers to propel it out of the window, just before it explodes.] Liz: Thank you. Michael: Yeah, no problem. [Then they went towards the computer. Liz starts to type up something.] Maria: What was that? Michael: I didn't see anything like that. [On the screen, it shows the alien translation. They print out the translation while Michael finds a small box with a crystal inside that Future Max used to activate the granolith.] Liz: Oh my god. This is it. The translation. It's here. Maria: What is that? Michael: I don't know. [After it's done printing, Liz looks at one of the pages of the translation.] Liz: Michael. [Gives Michael the page Alex's translation of the book.] Maria: All the answers, Michael. Even if Leanna has them now, so do we. [Switches to Tess where she's lying down on her bed and Max cooling her off with a wet towel. She gets up to drink a glass of water.] Max: You slept for a few hours. How are you doing? Tess: Better. Max: You warm enough? Tess: I'm Ok. How it's going with the book? Max: I have no idea how to read it, that's the truth. I thought how I wish what I think I thought. I feel like I'm letting you down. Tess: You're the one person I know I can count on in this world. I have faith in you, Max. I always have. [He smiles at her and kisses her on top of the forehead.] Max: When that happened before - when you fell - I guess I suddenly realized that I could lose you. All this time I thought of you as this person that just would always wait for me - forever. I've been taking you for granted. I'm sorry about that. [At the Crashdown, Kyle comes to Isabel about more pranks on Max.] Kyle: Hey, I'm a guy and I know what freaks guys out. Max wakes up tomorrow - one testicle! Isabel: No thanks. Kyle: What?! What are you talking about? We're in an alien joyride, sister. Sky's the limit.. Isabel: This just isn't making me feel any better. Kyle: Well, can we like dreamwalk Jody Ann again? Isabel: I'm going. Kyle: But what about getting back at Max? Isabel: I'm over Max. Kyle: You know, Buddha teaches that this is... Isabel: Kyle, if you quote that fat, bald man to me one more time, you're gonna wake up, one of these mornings [points to his crotch] ZAP! [That evening at Valenti's, Max is putting out the trash. The can was overflowing and the trash keeps landing on the ground. After picking it up a couple of times, Max' frustration takes over and he starts kicking the cans and throwing the trash around. He then sits on the ground against the wall and starts to cry. Isabel then sees all this and approaches to him.] Isabel: Max? Max: Tess is pregnant. Isabel: What? Max: She's pregnant and the baby's dying because it can't live in this atmosphere. [She's stunned and then sits next to Max.] Max: And...I don't know what to do because I...I'm so scared. And I don't know what to tell Mom and Dad because I...it's like what would I even tell them. They don't know who I really am. I feel so irresponsible, and stupid and...I know this is supposed to happen, because it's our destiny. [holding his head in his hands] Oh my God, what am I gonna do? [Isabel stands up and holds out her hand to Max.] Isabel: Max, come with me. Come on. [He looks up at her like a lost little boy, wipes his tears, and takes her hand. Isabel takes him to a stream at a park and they stand on the bridge over the stream.] Isabel: Do you remember Bigfoot? Max: My guinea pig? Isabel: Yeah. Do you remember what happened? Max: Sure. Mr. Martinelli's dog got into his cage and klled him. Isabel: Do you remember what happened the next day? Max: I don't. [Isabel waves her hand and it begins to snow.] Max: It snowed. Isabel: It was the first time we ever seen it. It snowed for two days. Biggest storm to ht in Roswell in a century. It was a disaster for everyone but us. Max: We built snowmen. Isabel: We made angels. Max: And pelted Michael with snowballs. They both laugh. Isabel: It was magic. Max: Just like this. Isabel: Max, I had no idea what you'd been going through. My problems are really nothing compared to this, so I'm sorry. Max: No, they're not. Your problems aren't nothing. They're important. Your life is important. I'm sorry for not realizing that. Isabel: We'll figure something out. We'll figure something out for you and Tess and your...do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Max: A boy. Isabel: Wow. You're having a son. Max: Yeah, a son. A son! [Isabel hugs him and Michael drives up his motorcycle.] Michael: A little public, isn't it? Isabel: It's a freak storm, you know, who cares? Michael: Not me, I got bigger things to talk about. Maxwell, there's two things I need to tell you. First is, I've been lying to you about Maria, Liz, and the whole investigation. Instead of stopping 'em, I've been helping 'em. Second thing is, it was worth it. [He hands Max the translation and Isabel the rod.] Max: What's this? Michael: It's everything we've been looking for. It's a translation to the book. You know - the book. Isabel: [Shocked] You're kidding! Michael: Not even a little. Isabel: Well what does it say? Max: : It's the way home. We can go home. [Episode ends with Max, Isabel, and Michael standing in the snow.]	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x19 - Baby, It's You"}	foreverdreaming
"Off the Menu" Episode: 20 42nd Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA20 Written by: Garrett Lerner, Russel Friend Original Air Date: Monday May 14, 2001 Chalkboard Narrative: Maria: Brody: self-made millionaire and owner of the UFO center. Larek: an alien living on a faraway planet and also a good buddy of our friend Max. Brody/Larek -- notice any similarities? See, when Larek -- who lives all the way up here -- wants to talk to his good buddy Max -- who lives all the way down here -- he finds the commute a little inconvenient, so he takes over Brody's body, like possessing him or something, and, uh, uses him as a human cell phone. If you think about it, why couldn't they invent like an alien cell phone, I mean, they're aliens? No? Basically, the aliens are ready to go back to their home planet. Michael, Liz and I have found Alex's kller, or did we? Something happened a few weeks ago -- before Max started to remember Tess and Liz started to get closer to Sean and before … Alex died -- before any of this. I just, I didn't think it was important to tell you at the time, but if you watch closely, it contains the key to everything… [Scene opens in the UFO center: Max is strolling through, whistling, on his way to Brody's office door.] Max: Brody? [He knocks.] Brody, you in there? Brody: Max, Hi! Max: Hey. You wanted me to reorganize your crop circle files tonight? Brody: I did? Oh, right, uh--well forget about that. You go off home. Max: Home? I still have three hours left on the clock. Brody: Oh, work, work, work. Don't you have a life? O.K., I'll tell you what, uh, why don't you fix the weather balloon? Max: OK [He leaves and Brody goes back into his office and puts a Virtual Reality thing back on.] Brody: Computer, run abduction simulation 1.5. All right, I was home, minding my own business. Suddenly I'm gone for three days. Where did I go? Computer, run simulation 1.6. Yes, something like this. I remember being in a room like this, but, but this doesn't look very alien, more like a warehouse. And there were other people here. Humans. Computer, add human forms to program, 3 male, 3 female. Yes, I was here, doing something. I was talking! If I could just remember what I was-[Beep, Beep. Memory disk full] Override, continue simulation. Yes, I was sitting here. And to my left I remember a boy. Nicolas! And at the end of the table was-Oh, my god, Max! How could Max be in… [He is cut off as he is zapped by a bolt of electricity. He moans, all the lights go out, and he falls on the floor, unconscious. Max walks to the fuse box to try and figure out what is wrong, and then we see Brody open a file cabinet and take out a gn. Max is still messing with the fuse box as footsteps approach.] Tess: It's not a fuse, the lights are out all over town, the streetlights and everything. Oh, this is for you. Max: What is it? Tess: you have to open it to find out. Max: What's the occasion? Tess: Does there have to be an occasion, Max? It's just a gift. You know, I saw a black sweater on sale, v-neck, and I thought of you. If you don't want it I can just give it to Kyle. [She starts to walk away from him.] Max: Tess... Tess: What? Max: Sorry. Thank you. This was, uh, very thoughtful. I'll turn on the emergency power. [Brody enters slowly] Brody: Why did you lie to me? Max: Brody, what's wrong? Brody: You're an alien, aren't you? Max: I don't know what you're talking about. Brody: Yes you do. New York City. We were all there. You and You and me. We were there with the other aliens. Max: Larek? Brody: There! That's an alien name. That makes you an alien. [Taking out the gn from behind his back] How else could you know that? [He points the gn at Max and Tess as Max raises his hand] Max: Brody, just put the gn down. I am not an alien and neither is Tess. [Brody fires just as Max puts up his force field. The bllet is caught and redirected into a picture; it shatters the glass] Brody: So how do you explain that? [Opening Credits] [Scene opens again on a computer screen showing the confrontation between Brody and Max. We see Max using his powers] Brody: Security cameras are on backup power. It's all on disk. Max: Brody, please, what do you want? Brody: I want you to tell me who I really am. Am I Brody, or am I Larek? What am I? [Outside the UFO center] Maria: Oh my god, mom. No offense, but nobody is going to be clamoring through a black-out to buy one of your ‘George W. is an alien T-shirts.' Sean: Not even if you were giving them away. Amy: Oh come on! It's called an entrepreneurial spirit, people. [They enter the UFO center. Brody, Max and Tess look their way.] Amy: Puts food on the table and gas in the Jetta. These T-shirts are hot off the presses; I want them on the market right now [Sees Brody with the gn pointed at Max and Tess] Amy: Or later! Uh, Come on kids… Brody: Hey! Nobody's going anywhere. [Scene shifts to Sheriff Valenti's, there is a knock at the door. He opens it to Deputy Hanson] Hanson: Hey sheriff. How you doin' tonight? Valenti: Good, what can I do for you dep-Sheriff? Hanson: Well, we kind of have a situation brewin'. Turns out this power outage is pretty serious; an entire grid was somehow taken out. VALENTI: Uh-huh. Hanson: Entire town's totally dark. New Mexico DWP's a little stumped, so I was thinkin' that this may be this is what you call a F-E-M-A situation? Valenti: Call Ralph. Electrician? Big guy who rewired the station last spring. He'll know what to do. Hanson: No FEMA. Ralph. Valenti: Ralph. Hanson: Thanks, Sheriff. Valenti: Um…I'm not the sheriff anymore. Hanson: Right, sorry. Thanks…Jim. [He leaves. Back at the UFO center] Brody: I have memories of things I'm not supposed to know, but I do know them. I know that you're Max Evans and I also know you're Zan. None of it makes any sense. All I know is that you've been lying to me. And now I want the truth or this is going to the FBI. Sean: What the hell is this guy talking about? Amy: Too much time at the UFO center. Brody: Stop talkin' over there! [He walks over to them] Max: Ok look. Look, I can help. Brody: Yeah, well you better. I want these aliens out of my head. Amy: Maybe it would be better if we left you aliens alone. Brody: [Taking duct tape, handing it to Max] Tie them up. [He starts, Tess helps] Maria: Brody. Brody, we're close. We're friends. Brody: I'm not close to anyone right now. Maria: What happened to you? [Her phone rings] Amy: Don't point that gn at my daughter. Maria: I should get it. Brody: No way. Maria: I always pick up my cell phone, if I don't pick it up whoever is calling will know something is wrong. They're probably going to try to come and find me. Brody: You tell them you're busy and they're not to come looking for you. Maria: Hello. Liz: Maria! You will never believe what happened to me in bio today. Maria: Yeah, I bet I won't. Listen, I'm a little tied up right now so I think I'm going to be late for my shift. Actually, um, I don't think I'm going to make it to work at all. Liz: what's the matter, is everything Ok? Maria: Yeah, I've been thinking' about the menu lately and you know the Galaxy Sub with Pepper Jack it's not selling all that well, so maybe we should take it off the menu. Liz: "Off the menu?" Brody: That's enough. [Dial tone, Liz looks at her phone.] That's enough. [Dial tone, Liz looks at her phone.] Brody: What was that about? Maria: It was just shoptalk. It's nothing. [At the Crashdown] Liz: That was weird. Michael: What was? Liz: Maria just hung up on me. Michael: Happens to me all the time. Isabel: This burger isn't cooked. The cheese isn't even melted. [She starts to use her powers to cook the burger.] Michael: Don't! That makes it taste like crap. Isabel: I want it cooked. Michael: It's fine this way because you still get the taste of the grill. Isabel: Yeah, and the possibility of contracting E-coli or Mad Cow disease. No, thank you. [She uses her powers to cook the burger. Back to the UFO center] Tess: I think it's time we used my Mind Warp on Brody. We'll walk right out of here. Max: Do it. Just be careful. [She tries to, but Brody knows it. Shows flashes from New York] Brody: Don't try your mind games on me. [She collapses, out of breath] Max: Tess. Tess: His mind ... it's too crowded. I can't get in. [Brody walks over to them] Brody: You really want to help me Max, or Zan, or whatever your name is? [Max stands] Tell me why I have all this information in my head. Tell me why I know that this thing is called a trithium amplification generator and that when I turn it like this…[objects emits a light flash that sends Max sprawling on the floor & also knocks Tess over] You can't use you're powers anymore. How do I know that, huh? Max: I don't know what you're talking about. I really don't. [Max strains against the tape around his wrists. To Tess] Max: He's right. My powers aren't working. Maria: Mom, don't worry. I gave Liz a coded message. Any minute now 50 cops will be busting down that door and getting us all out of here. Sean: What coded message? Maria: The Galaxy Sub with Pepper Jack, it's what Brody always orders. Sean: And? Maria: Liz is my best friend, we have our own language. She'll understand. Trust me. [At the Crashdown] Liz: Galaxy Sub with Pepper Jack. Does that mean anything to you? Isabel: I don't really listen to Maria when she's talking. I'm probably the wrong person to ask. Liz: Michael? Michael: I don't really listen either. I'm outta here. Liz: No, wait, we're still on duty. We don't close for another four hours. Michael: Come on Liz, there's no power. There's no customers. There's nothin' to do. Liz: But the power could come back any time. [Isabel makes a bad face] Michael: I'm sure you can handle the dinner rush. Come on, Is, let's go get Max. Isabel: [Mouth full] OK. You were right, this is really bad. [Liz just shakes her head. Scene switches to the UFO center. The door is locked and Michael uses his powers on the electronic lock pad] Michael: It probably locked when the power went out. [Control pad beeps. Brody is messing with his gn when he hears the door slam] Maria: See, I told you, the cavalry was on the way. Michael: I think Vegas loosened him up. Isabel: Michael, the guy irons his jeans. Michael: Get Down! [Brody fires, Michael tries to use his powers but they don't work because of the trithium amplification generator. Liz hears the gn from the Crashdown.] Michael: [to Isabel] Go, Go, Go! [More gn. Michael and Isabel are gasping for breath] Michael: Are you OK? [Liz comes out of the Crashdown] Isabel: Yeah. Why didn't your powers work? Michael: I don't know. Isabel: Oh god, Max is down there. Michael: So is Maria. Liz: You guys-were those gn? What's going on? Isabel: We gotta get Valenti. [Back inside the UFO center, Brody points his gn at Max and pulls the trigger. It just clicks and Max and Tess flinch] Brody: You try to contact your alien friends again, you'll only make it worse for them. [He takes out the clip and puts a new one in and loads a bllet into the chamber. Maria's cell phone rings again] Amy: My god, he is crazy. [Cell phone ringing] Brody: [Answering the phone] What?! Valenti: Brody, that you? Brody: I don't know. It might be Larek. Valenti: Larek? OK, uh… [Michael and Isabel exchange a knowing look] Valenti: This is Jim Valenti. Brody: So? Valenti: I understand you're having a bit of a problem down there tonight. Brody: And you're going to solve it? Valenti: Well, I'm gonna try. Why don't you start by telling me what you're after? Brody: What I'm after? What do you mean, "What I'm after"? Valenti: Well, as I understand it, you're holding some people hostage. There's usually a reason, you know? List of demands? Brody: Demands?! [To others] Brody: He wants a list of demands. Sean: I could use a burger. Maria: [whispering] Sean. Brody: Yeah, yeah, right. We got a bunch of hungry people down here, and we want burgers all around. Sean: And fries. Brody: And fries. Valenti: Right, listen um-couldn't we at least talk about- Brody: No! No talking until we get our food. And when it's delivered, I don't want to see any cops. And no aliens either, I can tell. [He hangs up the phone. Valenti reluctantly hangs up his phone. Brody is talking while he is piling stuff up at the bottom of the stairs.] Brody: Nobody comes in, and nobody goes out. We'll all just stay here together. Like one big, happy family. [Labored breathing. He walks over to Tess and Max. Talking to Tess and taking an alien mannequin] Excuse me, love. Just need to borrow your cousin for a while. [He starts back towardthe pile but stops walking suddenly and turns back around. Gets a knowing look on his face] That's it! Max: What? Brody: Dimaras rock. I couldn't remember before but the name just came to me. Dimaras, after the third moon. That's where you two first met. You must remember? Dimaras rock, it it juts out over the water. Ah, I can see it so clearly. The moon hanging over the horizon, [Tess closes her eyes, remembering] And the color of the water…crimson red. I was there with you before you were king. [Max gives Brody an incredulous look] We were swimming, and you looked up, and saw her on a rock. You said she was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen. [Max looks to Tess, who looks back]But of course you were too afraid to go talk to her. I offered to make the approach on your behalf, but you told me not to. [Max looks back to Brody]Back then you were always so nervous and quiet. [Brody chuckles] But lucky for you I was neither shy nor obedient. [Tess remembering] So I went and met her and introduced you two the same night… [Brody chuckles] Tess: [Quietly]…at a party. [Max looks at her, still looking dumbfounded. He then turns back to Brody] Max: That's a nice story. Brody: It's not a story. It's the truth. Don't you remember? [Tess looks at Max, he doesn't look at her. There is a hurt look on her face and tears in her eyes] Please, Zan, I have to know that what's in my head is real. Max: [Quietly] I'm sorry, Brody. But none of that is real. None of that happened. [Now Tess looks at him and is visibly more hurt] Brody: But you do love her. I know you do. I was there when you met! Max: You're wrong. We're not in love. We never have been. [Brody looks at Tess. She looks away from Max with tears in her eyes and a defeated look on her face. She looks to the floor. Next we see an eye, looking through a telescope at Deputy/Sheriff Hanson looking at the front of the UFO center. Eye again, then Hanson rattles the door of the UFO center. Camera pulls back to show Valenti, Isabel, Michael and Liz on Liz's roof] Valenti: Damn it, it's Hanson. (Hanson knocks hard on the glass of the front of the UFO center. Brody looks toward the door, then looks like he is trying to come up with a plan. Hanson's cell phone rings) Hanson: Hello? Valenti: Step away from the door. Hanson: Sheriff? Where are you? [Valenti waves from the roof. Hanson turns and sees him] Oh, there you are. I had Ralph look into the power outage. Turns out the surge that cause all this emanated from the UFO center here. Figured I check it out. Valenti: Turn your flashlight off and get up here. [Hangs up cell phone] Michael: This could be alien related, you shouldn't have invited him into this. Valenti: It's safer having him up here then goin' in there with his gn, stirring things up. The UFO center is an old fallout shelter. So it only has one set of doors and they automatically lock whenever the power goes out. Now I think there might be some people trapped in there. Hanson: You need any help? Valenti: Sure, sure, but, uh -- with traffic lights out all over town, I think you're going to have your hands full. Hanson: Right, traffic control. I should probably take care of that one first. Valenti: Good, good. Yeah I got this one covered I think. Hanson: Thank you, Sheriff. Uh, Jim. [He climbs down the fre escape] Valenti: [To Hanson] Watch yourself, now. [In the kitchen of the Crashdown. Burgers are on the grill] Isabel: You know, it'd faster if I just did it. Michael: Yeah, but they wouldn't taste as good. [He passes his hand over the burgers and they are done] Liz: What about the fries? [Michael uses his powers to heat the oil under the fries. Valenti's face appears on a small screen.] Valenti: I'll be able to see whatever you see. And I'll be -- Liz: --watching the whole time. [Valenti pins a small camera on her coat] Valenti: All I want you to do is deliver the food. Let me get a good look at the layout of the room, [He adjusts the camera] what's goin' on down there, who is positioned where. Both: And then I want you -- Liz: --To get right out, you told me. Valenti: Right. Liz: Sheriff-Sheriff I'm OK. I can do this. I wanna do this. Valenti: [sighs][Liz nods] Hey, how's the food comin'? Michael: Done! [He rings the bell] [Isabel brings the food to Liz] Isabel: OK [There is a knock at the door.] Brody: Ah, supper's here. I'll buzz her in. [Door Buzzes. Amy looks to Maria] Yeah, yeah, come down. I'll, uh, I'll move some of this stuff. Mind your head there. Here, I'll give you a hand. Liz: OK… Brody: So, what have we got here? Liz: Oh, we have got, uh, 6 burgers and 6 fries. Brody: Great, lovely, uh…now, great. [Counting money] Liz: Oh, oh no. It's it's on the house. Brody: Oh, no, no. I insist, please. And, uh, keep the change. I think I'm rich. Liz: So, um, is that it? Can can I get you something else? Brody: No, no that's fine. You can go. And thanks for the food. [Liz nods and looks around the room and heads for the door. Brody tastes a burger, a dissatisfied look on his face] Is there a new cook at the Crashdown? Liz: [Startled] Excuse me? Brody: These burgers, they taste different. Liz: [Maria realizes what happed] Oh, oh well see there's no power over there either so we had to use a little butane grill. Brody: So how did you cook the fries? [Now Max realizes that something is about to happen] Liz: The same way. Brody: No, no, you didn't. You used alien power to cook this food. You're one of them! Come on-get! Liz: No! Max: [Standing up] Brody, let her go. Larek! Brody: Get down! [He pushes Max to the floor. Sean trips Brody as he walks by. Brody drops his gn and Sean scrambles to get it first. Brody gets it first and points it at Sean. He stands between Liz and Brody] That was a stupid thing to do. Sean: She's not an alien. She's just an innocent girl. Leave her alone. [Cell phone ringing] Brody: [Shouting] What!? Valenti: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you got the food, and that everything was OK. Brody: OK? No, everything is pretty far from OK. [Brody continues yelling into the phone at Valenti, but it's indistinct.] Sean: [Quietly to Liz] Reach into my coat pocket. Liz: Why? Sean: Just do it. [Liz pulls out a Knfe] Brody: You talk to me about trust, then you send aliens in here. [Liz is cutting Sean's hands free] What do you think I am? An idiot? You'll be lucky if anyone comes out of here alive, ever! [Sean is free and is sneaking up on Brody with the Knfe. Brody hangs up the phone] Max: Sean, no! [There is a struggle; Sean and Brody fall on the floor. They wrestle and when Brody sits up, he looks shocked as he looks at the Knfe. There is blood on it; Sean is sab in the stomach. Everyone is clearly upset] Liz: [Screaming] Sean!! [Brody and Max look at each other. Clearly, Brody can't believe what happened. Scene fades out. Comes back in with Amy, Liz and Maria sitting on the floor beside Sean. Brody is throwing boxes around.] Amy: Oh, my god, Sean, are you OK? S Ean: Yeah. [Liz looks to Max, then she goes over to him] Liz: Max, heal him. Max: I can't. Liz: Why? It's your fault he got sab. Heal him! Max: I can't use my powers. [He motions toward the device] Brody activated that device. Brody's a good man. This isn't his fault. Sean might've klled him. Liz: But it's OK for Sean to get sab? Max: Of course not. [Liz is in disbelief. She goes back over to Sean and the others. Max looks hurt that she is implying that he doesn't care about Sean] Liz: [To Sean] Are you OK? [She looks back to Max; he looks at her, almost in tears. Scene switches to Valenti looking at his computer screen] Valenti: I wish I could see that wound better. We gotta get in there. Hanson: [Coming up the fre escape] What's goin' on up here? Valenti: Nothin'. Hanson: You know, I was down on 3rd directing traffic when I started to think about it. Why did you call me on my cell phone to warn me off from the UFO center? Valenti: I told you, people are- Hanson: I know. People are down there. But there's gotta be more to it. Why do you have the department's laptop? We use that for surveillance. Valenti: Deputy- Hanson: I'm not the deputy anymore, remember? I'm the sheriff. Now tell me what's goin' on, Jim. Why'd you warn me off? Are the people stuck down there being held against their will? Valenti: Okay, now. Don't jump to conclusions. There's no reason to believe that this -- Hanson: -- is a hostage situation? Valenti: Hanson. Even if it is a hostage situation, what are you goin' to do? You goin' to march in there with gn blazin'. Goin' to risk killin' innocent people? Come on! Hanson: I gotta do something. Valenti: Hanson…Hanson! [UFO center] Tess: You're still in love with her, aren't you? Max: It's hard to describe what I feel for Liz. Tess: I know. It's what you and I used to have. Max: Tess… Tess: You know, everything Brody said is true. I know it is. Sean: Hey Liz: Hey Sean: When this is all over do you wanna grab dinner? Maria: How can you be wounded and on the make at the same time? Liz: Are you serious? Sean: [Motioning at his stomach] I'm bleedin' here. Doesn't get much more serious than that. Liz: Yeah, let me think about it. Maria: Hey, aren't you involved with someone? [She motions toward Max] Max: I have to do something before more people get hurt. Tess: Way to change the subject. Max: I'm gonna talk to Brody. Tess: And what are you gonna tell him? Max: The truth. [Fades out, fades in on Valenti watching the computer screen. Kyle comes through Liz's bedroom window] Kyle: Dad! Dad! Valenti: Kyle! What are you doin' here? Kyle: I heard over the scanner that the cops are getting' ready to storm the UFO center. They called sht in from the state police. Valenti: Damn it. Those guys will sht anything that moves. Kyle: What's goin' on down there? Valenti: Hey, I think we're about to find out. [They all watch the screen. sht scans the wall. Valenti points to a box on the wall] I thought Brody got rid of that thing. Michael: What is that? Valenti: You see that panel? That controls the fallout shelter's lockdown mechanism. Isabel: You think it still works? Valenti: I don't know. If it does, it could be a way to keep the cavalry out long enough to end this thing without anybody getting' klled. Michael: Well, great. How do we get to it? Valenti: It's too risky to try to get inside. There might me a way to activate it from the outside. Kyle! You think you can get me the blueprints for that place? Kyle: Where am I supposed to get those? Valenti: Library, third floor, in the back. Kyle: The library's closed. Valenti: Kick the window in! Go! [Kyle crawls back through Liz's window. As they watch the computer screen, they see Max stand up and approach Brody. Liz points the camera at them both] Max: Everything you've been saying tonight is true. I am an alien. I'm the king of another planet. Tess is my wife. Brody: So these memories I have are real? Amy: [To Maria, Liz and Sean] Reverse psychology, it's the oldest trick in the book. Max: Yes, all of them. Brody: But if I'm Larek, an alien, and you're Zan, also an alien, w-what are we doing here? Max: Surviving. Biding our time until we return. Brody: So we're going back to our home planet, someday? Max: Yes. You, Me, Tess. Brody: And the others? Max: All of us. Brody: It's incredible. Max: Now I think it's time you put down the gn. Brody: Yeah. Yeah. [Suddenly, Brody spots Liz trying to point the camera in his direction] What's that? What have- What's that?! She's wearing a camera! I'm going to kll you! [Fades out with Brody pointing the camera at Liz. Fades in with Brody holding on to Liz, still pointing the gn at her] Max: You want to sht someone, sht me. This is my fault. [Brody sticks the gn in his chest] Brody: Don't tempt me. [Sirens approaching] Cops. Get in the office! All of you! Go! Move now! Go! Get in there! Strait! Move! Hanson: I want sht on both sides of the exit. And bring in the battering ram. [A helicopter hovers overhead, lighting the scene. Michael taps the computer's keyboard] Michael: I can't get the video feedback. They gotta be in trouble. Isabel: [Sighs] They're gonna be in even more trouble if the cops get in there and start shting the place up. Sean: This is bad. Maria: This is really bad. They always put you in the back room before they sh*t you. Amy: No. Stop it. We're gonna be fine. We are all gonna get out of here, I promise. Max: Look at this. [He goes to the VR assembly. He picks up the helmet] It looks like it short-circuited or or overloaded or something. Liz: If Brody was wearing this when it short-circuited- Max: A powerful jolt of electricity might have been sent right to his brain. Tess: That must be how he's accessing Larek's memories. Maria: Ahem, alien 101 for the rest of us not in the know. Max: Humans only use a small percentage of their brains at any given time. Aliens, when they use humans as vessels, tap into this unutilized portion. The shock may have somehow given Brody access to a part of his brain only Larek uses. Tess: And all of Larek's memories. Liz: So if this was caused by some sort of injury… Max: That means I can heal him. Tess: But you can't. The pentagon. Max: We've gotta get him to turn it off. Maria: I'm gonna go talk to him. [Back on the roof, Kyle comes through the window] Kyle: I've got ‘em. [Sirens and the Helicopter are heard. Tires squeal] Valenti: I was right. There's another control panel in the back alleyway. Michael: Ok, that's no problem. I can get back there. Isabel: WE can get back there. Valenti: It's gonna be pretty dangerous. Michael: We can take care of ourselves. Valenti: All right, look. Inside the control panel, there's a lever that activates a set of steel doors. But it hasn't been activated in years. Isabel: We'll activate it. Valenti: All right. Be quick about it. We're runnin' outta time. Hanson: Let's move that thing in there. Let's go! Move it! [Michael and Isabel casually, but quickly, walk through all the activity. People chatter indistinctly] Maria: [Talking to Brody alone] I deliver lunch to you almost every day. Brody: I bet I enjoy that. Maria: You do. I do, too. Brody: [sighs] There's just so much in my head right now. I can't figure out who I am anymore. Maria: You're Brody Davis. You're smart, you're funny, you're sensitive and you'd actually make a damn good boyfriend for someone. Brody: I sound pretty good. Maria: You are. Really, you are. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a father. Brody: I'm a father? Maria: You don't remember? Brody: It's like my whole life has been stolen from me. Maria: Her name is Sydney. I know you keep a picture of her in here somewhere. [She stands to find the picture. It is tacked on a bulletin board.] Here. This is her. Brody: [Starting to cry] I don't remember her. [Sobbing] [Michael and Isabel are in the alleyway trying to activate the fallout doors. Finding the lever] Michael: That's simple. [He throws it and nothing happens] Damn it. Isabel: We gotta get this thing working fast. [Footsteps approaching] [Sean is trying to pick the lock] Amy: Oh, he's gonna kll her. Oh, my god, my baby! He's gonna kll her. We need to get outta here now! Max: I don't think that he's -- Amy: Oh! I have had enough out of you for one day, Max Evans. OK. My nephew is gonna get us out of here so I can save my precious daughter. And what is taking you so long? Are you a criminal or not? Sean: I'm trying! Hanson: We gotta break that door down! Brody: Police are coming. Maria: No, no, no. Don't worry about that. We have to focus here. Can you do that for me? You have to trust me, OK? I can get you your daughter back, Brody, but you have to deactivate that pentagon thing, all right? And let Max heal you. [Outside, Hanson and the boys are using a battering ram on the door] Hanson: Go, boys! [They break the glass in the door. In the alley, Michael uses his powers on a wheel that manually controls the doors. The gears of the door grind badly. Right before the police can get through, the doors close.] Solid steel. [Hanson then notices a bllet hole in the ‘Refuge' sign.] We gotta get in there. Sean: [Thinking he got the door open, but Brody is coming in] Still got the touch. Amy: Yes! Brody: No, you don't. [Taking Max] Come with me. Move! Amy: Where's Maria? Where's-Hey. Hey! [The police now have a blowtorch and are working on the doors.] Maria: Brody, please. Turn it off. Trust me. [Brody turns the pentagon off] Max: Please. Brody: OK. [He turns the pentagon off] Do it. [Max places his hand on Brody's temple. Max gets flashes of a star system, events from Brody's life, and he and Tess kissing. He then falls backward. Brody, looking at the gn] Wha-What's this? Max: You were abducted. [He takes the gn from Brody] But now you're back. Brody: Uh, why are the lights off? Max: We don't have a lot of time. Come on, let's go. Amy: Oh!! [Seeing Maria, she hugs her around the neck from behind] Brody: Hi! Max: Everything's fine. This is all just a big misunderstanding. Nothing happened down here today. Sean: My ass, this guy needs to be put away. Liz: Sean… Amy: Are you OK? Maria: Yes, I'm Ok. Amy: Oh, I'm so glad. Maria: Listen, mom. We can't let Brody go to jail. Amy: Excuse me? Maria: Ok, look, listen. He is a single parent, just like you. This is-This is his daughter. She's cute as a button, intelligent as ever, and now imagine how devastated she would be if Brody went to jail, mom. Think about that for, like, two seconds. Amy: Ok. I thought about it, and that man is a danger to his family, his neighbors, his whole community. And I am not gonna be part of a cover-up. Un-uh. [Shaking her head] Sean: [to Liz] Give me one reason why I wouldn't tell the cops. Liz: Because I'll go out with you. Sean: Ok, so, I fell down the stairs. Liz: [Taking a George W. is an alien T-Shirt] Here, put this on. [He holds it up. Liz chuckles. The cops are still trying to get through the door.] Hanson: He's through! Get in position! [Max puts the gn back in the file cabinet] Amy: Un-uh. I refuse to lie about what happened down here tonight. [Tess uses her mind warp on Amy. She looks around for a second] Do you think they're ever gonna get this power back on? I've got other T-shirt deliveries to make. Tess:[To Max] Don't worry. She won't remember any of it. [The cops break through the door. There is a lot of cop talk and chattering] Amy: Oh! Deputy Hanson, thank god! Sean: I thought we were gonna be trapped in here for days. Hanson: Trapped? What about those bllet holes and that pile of stuff blocking the steps? Max: We were just doing some remodeling. Brody: We are? Wow! Place is a mess. Amy: Oh, Jim! Hi! Valenti: Hi. So, you got everything under control here, Hanson? BRODY: [finding the CD] Where did this come - [Max grabs it out of his hand] Max: Michael, I downloaded that band off Napster for you. Amy: (Walking to Valenti) Ahh. Brody: Who wants a cup of tea? Sean: [Hanson is eyeballing his shirt] I can get you one. [Next day, outside the Crashdown] Maria: Hi. Brody: Hi. Maria: Sorry to bother you. I only have, like, a minute break but I just wanted to give this back to you. [She hands him Sidney's picture] Brody: Oh, did I lend this to you? Maria: Sort of. Brody: Sorry, I've been feeling a bit out of sorts. More missing time. Maria: Yeah, I kinda had that figured. Brody: Yeah, but this time, I kinda have vague memories. Like a dream I can't quite remember. The details are hazy, but…I remember how it felt. Maria: Really? How did it feel? Brody: [hesitating] No, it'd just sound weird. Maria: Heh! What? Brody: Well, I felt kind of like I do now. Like, you were somehow there helping me. I wish I knew where they took me. Maria: Well, wherever you went, Brody, I'm glad that you're back. [That night, Max comes in through Tess's bedroom window.] Tess: Max? Max, what is it? Max: Well, when I healed Brody…I saw these -- these flashes, of Brody, of Larek, but also… Tess: but also what? Max: I remember you. [She cries and Max wipes the tear off her cheek]	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x20 - Off The Menu"}	foreverdreaming
"The Departure" Episode: 21 43rd Episode of Roswell Season: 2 Production Code: 2ADA21 Written by: Jason Katims Original Air Date: Wednesday May 21, 2001 Episode begins with a recap of recent events by Maria and Michael. Maria (in front of chalkboard): Max and Tess are now an item. There I said it, I don't like it, but I said it. Anyway, turns out Liz was right -- Alex was mrder by an alien and the kller is still out there. Michael: (at the high school) Let me tell you what's really going on. Tess is pregnant. Maxwell's the dad. Here's the problem: the baby can't survive on earth, so we need to find a way home. Which fortunately, I think I did. Max, Tess, Isabel and Michael are inside the Granolith Chamber Max: This is a key. When we insert it the Granolith will transport us...home. It will take 24 hours for it to prepare itself. When it's ready, we have to be on board or we don't go. The granolith is capable of one mission, only one. When we use it, it's gone. It's our only way home. Is everyone ready? Isabel: (shaking head) This is happening too fast. Max: We have no choice, Iz. Michael: What about Leanna? She's still out there, how can we leave? I mean, she's already klled Alex, what's to stop her from klling Liz or Kyle or Valenti or Maria. Max: I'll take care of Leanna Tess: (holding stomach) Max... Max inserts "key" into granolith and clock starts on the wall, counting down 24 hours. Max: Everyone say your goodbyes. [Opening credits] Liz, Maria, Kyle and Sean are sitting at a table at the Crashdown Maria: Oh Sean, you really gotta lose that earring. It's just so like you're obviously trying. Sean: You're retrd, you know that? Liz: I think it looks cute! Maria: Okay, lets hear from somebody other than the lowly Parker. Kyle? Kyle: Isn't it like a gay thing anyway? Sean: No, it is not a gay thing. I've got to get out of this town, I really do. Maria: Would you please stop that? Please. Kyle: What? Maria: That tapping thing, you've been doing it for like an hour! Kyle: I have? Max and Michael enter Kyle: Oh, Heckle and Jeckle - I'm out of here. Sean: Yeah. Kyle and Sean leave Max to Liz): Can we talk upstairs? Please. Max and Liz leave, Michael sits down opposite Maria. Maria: What? Oh god, somebody's dad isn't'... Michael: No, no, no. It's nothing like that. Maria: Then what is it? Michael: I have to see you tonight Max and Liz are talking upstairs Max: You were right, about Alex. He was klled by an alien. I prayed that that wasn't the case but it was. We're responsible. Liz: I never blamed you Max. I never blamed any of you. Max: I know. I know you didn't. Liz: I never wanted to lose you. Max: Me either. Liz, I need all the information that you have on Leanna. Liz: Why? Max: I have to take care of the situation. Liz: Take care of it how? Max just looks at her. Liz: Well, I'm coming with you. Max: No. Liz: I started this, I'm gonna see this through to the end. She klled Alex. Isabel is at home having dinner with her parents Diane: So, I got this call about digital cable - that you'll have a better picture, you'll get more channels and it'll actually cost less. Philip: Where's the Chinese mustard? Diane: So, I, uh, ordered it honey just to get the guy off the phone. Philip: Izzy, do you have the Chinese mustard? Isabel: No dad. Diane: Anyway, they installed it today. Philip: Without the mustard, my shrimp toast is basically inedible. Diane: And, oh my god, I've got to tell you ... some of these channels are awful. I mean, do you realize there are people teaching cooking classes naked? There are people talking politics naked. Philip: Politics? Really? Diane: Yes! I mean, it's too much. Isabel: Mom, Dad... Diane: What sweetie? Philip: What is it honey? Isabel: (pause) You, know I think the Chinese mustard is in the fridge, so I'll get it for you. Philip: Ah, thank you Diane: I don't think you need mustard, it's spicy. Isabel cries in the kitchen Sheriff Valenti is taking care of Tess at the Valenti's home. Tess: Thanks, that helps. Valenti: Mm-hmm. Listen, I just want you to know if anything goes wrong... if you're not able to go home, then you have a home here. That your child has a home here too. I mean, you're uh, you're both part of this family now. We'll figure out what's wrong with the baby. We'll find a way. Tess: Thank you. Valenti: Sure. I'll get some more warm water. Tess: Thanks.... Dad. Valenti turns and looks at her questioningly. Tess: I just wanted to see what that sounded like. Valenti: How'd it sound? Tess: A little too weird. Valenti: Yeah... Tess: Yeah... Max and Liz are looking into Leanne's dorm room at the University of Las Cruces from a crawl space. Leanna is sewing a button on a shirt. Liz: What are you going to do? Max: I'm gonna send a bolt of energy to that heater. It will explode. A fre will start, fast. Too fast for her to react. Liz: What about the other dorm rooms, the other students? Max: I can contain the fre with my powers long enough for everyone else to get out of the building. Liz: Max this isn't like you, it's not planned out. Leanna: (sab herself while sewing) OW! Max: Liz, I have to do this now. Liz: Max, this doesn't seem right. Max: Go to the jeep, you don't have to be a part of this. Liz: It doesn't feel right. Max begins sending energy to the heater, while Liz has a revelation and runs to Leanne's room Liz: MAX!!! Leanna: Who are you? Liz: C'mon, c'mon. Get out! Get out! fre! Leanna: Are you crazy? Liz: False alarm, I'm really sorry. Max to Liz): What the hell is going on? Liz: That girls' not an alien, she can't be the kller. Isabel is at Alex's grave Isabel: How can I leave now, I haven't even lived yet. Alex: I know how scary it is, to have to leave ... leave this world, but as it turns out, it's not so bad. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. That doesn't change. Isabel: Why should I listen to you? You're not even real - you're just a figment of my imagination. Alex: Well then you should really listen 'cause it's coming from within you. Go home. Isabel: Home to what? I was a terrible person where I come from, I betrayed my own family. And what is home, anyway? Half of me is from there, half of me is from here. What makes one half more important than the other? Alex: Well that's what you have to figure out. Isabel: Yeah. Isabel: Alex, that night, that night at the prom when we danced- it was one of the best nights of my life and I never got to tell you that. Alex: holding out his hand) My lady? Alex and Isabel dance. Scene fades to Isabel dancing alone. Max and Liz are in the jeep - Max pulls over by the side of the road. Liz: Max, why are you stopping? Max: Liz, there's something I need to tell you. It's about Tess and me... Liz: You're together now, I know. Max: It's more than that. Our relationship is... uh, we spent the night together. Liz: Oh. Max: Liz... Tess is pregnant. Liz: She's... Scene fades out to commercial break. When we come back from the break, Liz and Max are in a lab looking at Leanne's blood cells from the tissue Liz stole from her room. Liz: If I were an alien, and I was having trouble threading a needle, I would probably just use my powers. But I probably wouldn't need a needle to begin with, I would probably just zap my blouse the way that Isabel did it..... They're human blood cells, take a look. Max: If Leanna was innocent, then who klled Alex? Liz: I don't know. Max: You must have some idea who it could've been! Liz: Whoever did it set up an innocent girl. We have to start from the beginning. We have to find him or her before they kll someone else. Max: I can't do that. I don't have time. Liz: What are you talking about? Max: Tess' child, our child-- Liz: Yeah, well that's your personal life. Max: It can't survive here, he's dying... We're leaving. Liz: Where? Max: We're going back Liz (pointing up): Back? Max nods silently. Liz: When is this happening? Max: Tomorrow, just after dawn. Liz: You can't leave before this is resolved. Max: The way the granolith works... Liz: I don't really want to hear about how the damn - Max: I know you don't - Liz: You can't just leave us with a kller out there. Max: I don't have a choice! Liz: Not anymore, but you did and then you got Tess pregnant! Max: I know you're upset. Liz: (yelling) I-I trusted you, I gave you everything. I jumped off bridges for you, I broke laws for you, I risked getting sht for you, I trusted you! And you go off-- God, with Tess-- God, I saved myself for you! Max: Saved yourself? You slept with Kyle! Liz: Take me home. Maria arrives at Michael's to find the room lit with candles a dinner made, and the table set. Maria: Michael? Michael: I know you like Italian, so... And I know Scooby's your favorite. Maria: What's going on? Michael: Sit down. Maria: What's this all about? Michael: Sit down please. Michael: There's a lot about you Maria. There's a lot about you, but I think what means the most to me is that you're open. You know I can look into your eyes and I can see you. I can see what you're thinking. I can see what you're feeling. How much I mean to you sometimes, how much I piss you off sometimes. But I can always see you. Maria: I see you too. Michael: No, no you don't see me. You know when Max and Liz would kiss, and Liz would get the flashes? And when we would kiss you didn't. I know how much that hurt you. Maria: That doesn't matter to me anymore Michael. Michael: The reason you didn't get the flashes is because I didn't let you get them. I didn't let you see me. I've never let anyone see me before...because there are things inside of me that I don't want people to see. There's things inside of me that I'm not so proud of. But I've thought about it, and I want you to see me. Michael: Take my hands. Maria gets flashes of Michael as a little kid, leaving the pod, fighting with Hank, finding Max and Isabel in the desert, and then flashes of their time together. Maria: Michael... Michael: There's something I have to tell... Maria kisses Michael, interrupting him Kyle is at Tess's door with flowers Kyle: Is this a good time? Tess: Yeah. Kyle: I heard about what's uh, what's going on and um, congratulations. Tess: Thank you. Kyle: Are you feeling okay? Tess: Not so good, but I'll be all right. Kyle: Well I just, wanted to say that it's meant a lot to me... Kyle gets a flash of Alex in the mirror Tess: You okay? Kyle: Oh yeah, yeah. It's nothing. Anyway, I just, I don't usually talk about this but uh, my mom left when I was six, and with you being here it's, uh felt like family again. That's all, I don't want to get all weepy or anything. Tess: Kyle... Kyle I feel the same way. (hugs him) Kyle: Okay, okay. Kyle gets another vision of Alex Alex: (In Kyle's vision): You are the royal four. You are created from the genetic materials of your alien predecessors and human subjects... Tess: Kyle! Alex (in Kyle's vision): You are given human forms so you can... Tess: Kyle! You okay? Kyle Kyle comes back to the present and looks at Tess Kyle: He was here. Alex was here. Tess: What are you talking about? Kyle: Alex was in this room the day he died. I can't believe I didn't even remember it, I must have blocked it out. Tess: Kyle, he wasn't. Kyle: No he was, Alex was here. I have to tell my father. Tess: Kyle come here! Kyle: Dad! Tess: Kyle! Tess mind warps Kyle Tess: What were you saying? Kyle: That I'm really gonna miss you... Max and Liz are sitting in the jeep outside the Crashdown. Max: I always thought when we graduated I would give you my ring. (handing her the pendant they found at Atherton's) It looks like I won't graduate, so this is something from where I'll be. Liz: I can't believe that this is what I have of you. I can't believe that after everything... Max: Liz, you never slept with Kyle, did you? Liz shakes her head no Max: I wish, I wish this all could have been different. I wish that so much. Max kisses her Liz: I guess that this is our goodbye. Just tell me one thing do you love her? Max: Not like I love you. Liz walks sadly to the Crashdown. She turns around just before she goes in and Max smiles a goodbye to her. After she goes inside, he collapses against the steering wheel in tears. In Michael's apartment, Maria and Michael are lying in bed together. Maria: I think we just took a huge step in human-alien relations. I love you Michael. Michael: I love you too... but I have to leave. Max, Isabel, and Tess and I are going home. Maria: Yeah, I know. Like eventually, right? Michael: We're leaving in a few hours. We have to, I have no choice. I don't want to leave you. But we both knew someday this would happen. Maria: How much time do we have? Michael: About an hour. Max finds Isabel sobbing on her bed Isabel: What if I said I wanted to stay? Max: When we came out of the pods and we lost Michael, it was just the two of us in the desert and I knew that I wasn't alone - that I had my sister. To me, earth isn't home and whatever's out there isn't home but you're my home. Liz goes to the Deluca house and Sean answers the door Sean: Parker, it's 3 in the morning. They begin kissing Sean: You all right? Liz: No, I-I'm not. I'm not all right. Max Evans broke my heart. I'm sorry Sean, I'm really sorry. Sean: It's okay, it's okay... Max and Isabel are making a farewell tape to their parents. Max: Mom, Dad, we know that in some way you always knew we were different... Isabel: We want you to know that we love you so much. We're orphans, we could have ended up anywhere, with anyone, but we got you. What is it they say? There but for the grace of god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to leave you, but we have to go. I wish we didn't, I wish I could just be your girl for ever, but um... Max: You were great parents to us. We will always, always love you. Thank you, for everything. And goodbye. Max turns off the VCR. Max to Isabel): It's time Max enters Valenti's to get Tess Max to Tess): Let's go Tess: Max, are you sure you want to do this? Max: Yes. Tess: Right They kiss-Tess sees flash of Max and Liz kissing Tess: You kissed Liz! Max doesn't reply. Tess: (smugly) Don't worry, you won't remember her where we're going. Michael uses his powers to send the jeep over a cliff as Isabel, Max, Tess and Valenti watch. Isabel (handing the tape to Valenti): This is for our parents. Will you give it to them as soon as you're sure we're gone? Valenti: I will Isabel: Thank you. Valenti hugs Isabel and Tess goodbye and then turns to Max. Max to Valenti): Look, I need you to protect Liz, Maria and Kyle. Valenti: With my life. It's been an honor to know you Max. It's been an honor. They hug Max: Same here The pod squad walk off in the direction of the pod chamber. Maria walks into her bedroom to find Liz laying on her bed. Maria: I can't believe this is happening. I-I just can't even believe it's possible! Liz: Um, hmm. Amy (from the other room): Larek. He says his name is Larek, and he's an alien. Who is Larek? Maria: (looking at Liz) My mom. Amy: And he's taken over this whole place. And he's holding us hostage here with a gn. He's pointing a gn at my daughter. He thrat my daughter. Maria: Mom, Mom what's wrong? Amy: Maria? What are you doing up, it's the middle of the night. And Liz? What are you still doing here? Amy begins tapping exactly like Kyle had been doing while they were all at the Crashdown. Liz has flashbacks of Kyle tapping his fingers at the Crashdown as well as Alex tapping his fingers on his guitar the day he died, and then remembers Tess mindwarping Amy. Liz: It's Tess! Tess mindwarped Alex! Maria: What? Liz: And Kyle! Look, we've got to go now. Liz and Maria are in Kyle's room, questioning him. Kyle: No, there's no way I've been mindwarped. I'd remember it. Maria: Kyle, that's the whole point of being mindwarped. You don't know that it's happening to you. Kyle: So I'm supposed to look around the room and what? Liz: I don't know, see if you have an unusual response to anything. Kyle begins looking around the room. He suddenly starts tapping his fingers on the dresser. Maria: Liz... Kyle: Sorry, nothing. Liz: Kyle, it could be really close, so keep looking, keep trying. Kyle sees vision of Alex talking to Tess In Kyle's vision: Alex: You did this to me, you sent me to Las Cruces. Tess: Okay, Alex, Alex let me fix your mind, you're not thinking straight. Alex: You mindwarped me for two months while I decoded that silly book for you and now there's nothing left for you to mindwarp. You destroyed my mind! How could you do this to me? Tess: Kyle get out! Kyle: What's going on? Tess: Kyle go! Alex: I have nothing, I might as well be dad. Kyle: Hey just calm down! Tess: He's right okay. Calm down! Just calm down! Alex: No, you can't mindwarp me. NO!!!! Tess mindwarps Alex and he collapses. Kyle: Your duffel's all loaded. Tess: Thanks Kyle Kyle: Want me to come along? Tess: No. Go in the house. I'll take care of everything from here. Kyle (to Liz and Maria): I carried his body. She made me think it was luggage. She klled him. Tess klled Alex! Liz, Maria and Kyle are in Maria's Jetta on the way to the Granolith Chamber. Liz: There's the mile marker. Kyle, how much further? Kyle: It's just up ahead. Liz, Maria and Kyle are running up the hill to the Granolith Chamber Liz: Wait it's right here. Hey guys open up. Liz, Kyle, Maria: Open up!! Inside the pod chamber: Michael: Max.... I can't go. Ever since we came out of the pods, I've been on some quest to figure out where I belong. I finally found home. The weird thing is, it's here, it's on earth. Max: You of all people. (They hug) Take care of yourself Michael. I love you. Michael: You're a great brother. Max: Take care of the others. Max looks over at Isabel Max: I would understand... Isabel: What you said before, you're my home too. Tess: Well, whoever is coming, we have to go. Now. Michael leaves and finds Liz, Maria and Kyle outside the door. Maria: Liz! Maria (to Michael): Tess klled Alex! Michael: What? Michael, Liz, Maria, and Kyle rush into the Granolith Chamber Liz: Max stop! It was Tess. Tess klled Alex. She mindwarped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book, but he broke out of the mindwarp and she klled him. Kyle: It's true, I was there, I witnessed it. Max: Why didn't you ever say anything? Kyle: Because she mindwarped me! Kyle: (to Tess) You lived in my home, you were like my sister! Max (looking at Tess): How long? Michael: About 3 minutes. Max: Everyone out. Michael: Max... Max: Now! After everyone else leaves Max to Tess): Did you kll Alex? Tess: I didn't want to. I wish I hadn't, but I did. Max: Why? Tess: Look Max, the-the clock's ticking, we don't really have time... Max: TELL ME WHY! Tess: He would have told you what I did and I couldn't let that happen. Max: So you just, you just klled him? Tess: I didn't mean to. His brain was just so weakened by the mindwarp, and... look, none of this matters now. Max: Life matters Tess. My life, your life, his... Tess: What matters is getting home, but you could never understand that could you? I might have been able to teach you but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her... Max: Don't you ever call her that! Tess: See! Look how fast you run to her defense! Why couldn't you ever feel that about me? I'm your wife, Max! I'm carrying your child! Max: This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it? Home to what, Tess? To Kivar? To our enemies? Tess: They're not my enemies, Max. Max: You made a deal with them, with Kivar. Tess: No, Nacedo made a deal, 40 years ago. Max: What was the deal? Tell me! Tess: To return home with your child, and deliver the three of you to Kivar. Max: And what would happen to us once you delivered us? Tess doesn't answer. Max: How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you? Tess: You were different-- you were a king! Now you're just a boy. Max raises his hand to Tess' neck Tess: You kll me, Max, you kll our son. Max: (agonized) Go. This isn't over, Tess Max leaves the Granolith chamber. Isabel: MAX! Max: Quick, go. Let's go! Max, Liz, Michael, Maria, Isabel and Kyle run away from the chamber, and stand to watch as the chamber disintegrates and a ship sh**t out into the sky. Max to Liz): I've been really wrong about a lot. But I was right about one thing: To get you into my life, to be around you, to love you. Maria (to Michael): You opened the door and you came out-- why? (It dawns on her.) You stayed for me. Isabel: What happens now, Max? Max: I have to save my son... Episode ends with the six of them staring in the direction the ship left.....	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "02x21 - The Departure"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Busted" Episode: 1 44th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA01 Written by: Jason Katims Directed by: Patrick Norris Original Air Date: October 9, 2001 Max: Are you ready? Liz: Yeah, I think so. Max: Liz, you don't have to do this. Liz: No, max. We are in this together. That's what we said. Together till the end. Liz: Down! Down! Now! Whoa! Down! Get down! Max: Do what she says. She's crazy. Liz: Face on the floor! Now! [East coast accent] yeah. I, uh...I wanna report an armed robbery in progress. At Sam's quick stop on highway 65. Yeah. Hurry. Clerk: I have a family. Liz: Hurry. We've only got a few minutes. [Siren approaches] Liz: just keep your face down! Keep your face down! The cops are coming. We gotta get outta here. Come on, let's go! Come on, let's go! Hurry up! [Max, now in the room below the store sees the spaceship. He holds up a large diamond, and the ship begins to glow] Liz: Come on. How'd they find us so fast? Max: I don't know. All right, hold on! Liz: Max, they can't find out about the diamond. Officer: Hands! Let me see hands! Liz: You got any powers for this? previously, on Roswell... Max: Liz, there's something I need to tell you about Tess and me. Our relationship is, uh-- something happened. Liz, Tess is pregnant. I'm going back. Liz: Just tell me one thing. Do you love her? Max: Not like I love you. Max: This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it? Max: This isn't over, tess. Isabel: What happens now, max? Max: I have to save my son. [Telephone rings] Max: So I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, see me. Liz: You mean, like, on a date? Max: Just somewhere we can talk. I just want to try to start over, liz. You look amazing. Liz: They're my favorite. Thank you. So where are we going? Max: It's a surprise. Liz: It's kind of dark. Max: Liz, i just want to put everything that happened behind us. Liz: Yeah, you know that I would, too, if i had impregnated an alien kller who mrder one of our best friends and then left the planet with my unborn child. Max: So you're still holding on to that? Liz: It's hard not to, max. See, you slept with tess, and then you got her pregnant. I don't know how to just move past that. You hurt me, you know? Max: Liz, meeting someone, someone like me, Liz: it attracted me. I admit that. It was something I had to find out about, and now I'm over it. Max: It's not that simple. Liz, i'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Isabel, michael, and I, we've lost our only way home. There's no way back. You're the only or me to-- you're my only reason. I want to be with you. Liz: Tess is pregnant with your child. What about your son? Max: There's nothing i can do about that. He's gonna be born in a... In another world, a world that i have nothing to do with. I've accepted it. Liz, you've paid a lot to know me. You've been hurt and you've been put in danger. Now I want to make that up to you. I want to make your dreams come true. Will you let me do that? Max: In the neighborhood? [Sighs] Mr. Evans: son. If you want to get out of here while you're still a young man, don't say anything to anyone unless i'm present. I'm not your father right now, I'm your lawyer. Mrs. Evans: Oh, my god. Max. Max: It's all right, mom. It's all right. Mrs. Evans: Look at you. What is going on? Who are you? Why are you under arrest for armed robbery? Mr. Evans: Now tell us what the hell are you doing in utah?! Mrs. Parker: Jeff, stay calm. Calm?! Mr. Parker: How am i gonna stay calm? [Ms]Honey, i know it isn't you. I know this is not something that you would do, but--but if you did do it, maybe it's because somebody put you up to it. Liz: They put me up to it. Right, mom. Mr. Parker: Ok. That's enough! Now tell us what the hell happened. Liz: I'm not gonna speak to anyone until they let me talk to max. Liz: Liz: So I've broken, like, 12 of my mom's rules already. Max: Rules? She has rules? Well, yeah. Yeah, since I told her that you broke my heart, without any of the alien details, of course. She thinks that we should just take things slow. Just dinner, then straight home, no plans for future dates. No making out. Max: So i suppose skinny dipping would be against the rules, too. Liz: Uh-huh. What are you doing, max? No. No, this is not happening. Ok, you've made your point. It's not that funny. You can stop now. What--no, max. Max. I can't believe you're gonna do this! Max: Whoo! Come on in. It's beautiful. No, it's not. It is obviously freezing. Come on, liz. This is something we'll tell our grandchildren about. Come on in, liz. Come on. Liz: Fine! Ok? Fine. Grandchildren. What are they gonna be, 3 feet tall and green? But, hey. I am not taking my underwear off. And if my mother, like, ever, ever t about this, you are, like, so dad. Ok? Do we have a deal? Max. Oh, max! Is that a deal, max? Huh? Max! Max, oh, my god! Isabel: Max! Michael Just tell us what happened. Feel free to leave out the lurid details. Liz: Look, I told you already. He was just, like, laying there in the water and he woke up in the car. But he hasn't said a single word. You guys, isn't there d of cure for this? You guys are the aliens. Do something here. Michael Maxwell! Hey, Maxwell! Maxwell! Hey, what the hell's going on? Max: Something happened. I had this vision. It was my son. He's been born. He was reaching out to me. He's in trouble. Michael now if I'm to have any chance of graduating this year, I need to get into your bio 101 class. Teacher: Why didn't you come to my bio 101 class when you were in it? Michael I'm turning over a new leaf. Teacher: Excuse me while I take a moment to chuckle within. Michael Ok, lookit, plans changed. I thought I was moving out of Roswell, but as it turns out, I'm stuck here for good. Teacher: And how far away did you plan to move that you didn't think that your high school records would've been sent to your new high school? Michael Actually, pretty far. Mr. Seligman, I know you hate my guts. Personally, I hate yours, too. Teacher: This is how you ask a favor? Michael But if you help me graduate this year, then you won't have to see me next year. Teacher: Well, you do have a point there. Ok, Mr.. Guerin, I will let you in to my biology 101 class if you make a sacred vow to me right now that you won't miss a single session. Isabel: Michael, there you are. Teacher: Miss Evans, I thought you graduated. Isabel: I did, mr. Seligman, but I just can't seem to cut the cord. Too many fond memories. I need to talk to you. Michael I got class. Isabel: It's important. Michael I will be one minute. Teacher: I'm sure you will. Miss Evans, love the hair. Isabel: Well, thank you. Michael So, what's going on? Isabel: Max and Liz got arrested in Utah for armed robbery. We have to go. Michael: So much for ever getting out of this school. What were they doing in Utah? [In Utah] Isabel: Mom! Mrs. Evans: Isabel. Your father and i have been going crazy. Oh, hi. Philip! Isabel: So what's going on? Mrs. Evans: Well, we're still trying to figure out what happened with your brother and Liz. Isabel: Hi, dad. Mr. Evans: Hey. This is Jesse Ramirez from my office. Isabel: We met at the company-- Jesse: picnic, that's right. Nice to see you again. Isabel: Nice to see you again. Mr Parker: So what have you found out, Philip? Mr. Evans: A detention hearing has been set up for tomorrow with the judge. Max and liz are first-time offenders, no physical evidence has been produced, so we're hoping they get a slap on the wrist and get sent back home. Mrs. Evans: Well, what about jail? Mr. Evans: They can only go to jail if the case is transferred to the criminal court system and they get tried as adults. But so far that seems unlikely. Jesse: Ok, they haven't found a gn, and there are no witnesses other than the nutcase behind the counter who claims to have seen an otherworldly yellow light. Isabel: So as long as there's no evidence, max and Liz will be ok, right? Mr. Evans: Yeah. Yeah, we certainly hope so. Michael: Can we see them? [Door opens] Isabel: max! You idiot. What are you trying to do to our poor, clueless human parents? Michael: So what's the deal? You running low on cigarettes? Max: There's an underground government storage facility under the convenience store. Michael: Well, that's a surprise. Max: Our ship's there. Michael You mean our spaceship? Max: It's been reassembled. I saw it with my own eyes. Michael: I can feel biology 101 slipping from my grasp. Isabel: So, reassembled that means it works? Max: Possibly. Isabel: I thought we made an agreement to let go of the other world and live here. Max: That was before my son tried to contact me. Isabel: Max, a little reality check. This ship you're talking about...Sucks. It's a lemon. It crashed to begin with. That's why we're stuck here. Michael She's got a point. Max: Look, I need you to find something for me. I had to toss it before we were arrested. Isabel: No. No, we are not helping s absurd plan to find a spaceship, ok? This is ridiculous. Max: This isn't about getting to a spaceship. Liz and I stole it. It's a diamond. Isabel: You stole a diamond? Max: It's not actually a diamond. It's the key to our ship. It's alien, and if we don't find it before the police do, we'll be linked to another crime. We'll never get out of here. Michael So what does it look like? [Scene switches to the past, Max and Liz looking at Tess' things] Liz: Hey, i've been for you. Max: Yeah. Yeah, I was just, uh-- Liz: looking through tess' stuff. What's that? Max: It was buried among tess' things. It's a letter Nasedo wrote to her before he died. It says, "I am your one and only protector on this planet. "I'll protect you until the end. "If I ever die, this is our only way to communicate with our home." Liz: And? Max: I have to contact my son Liz: So i guess this part of your life isn't over after all. [Michael is in a field looking for the diamond- a man with a gn confronts him] Michael Mandatory attendance, I understand. Yeah. An attitude improvement? I'm already on that. And a respect for authority, yeah, absolutely. Mr. Seligman, I gotta call you back. Man: Who was that? Michael It's my science teacher. I'm trying to graduate high school. Man: Why don't you just get a G.E.D.? Michael No one hires anyone with a g.E.D. Man: I got a G.E.D. I'm doing fine. Michael Yeah, you're on a nice career path there. Man: I got a message for your friend max. Stop looking. The person i work for will do whatever is necessary to stop him. Whatever is necessary. Michael Whatever, dude. [gn] Man: don't be such a smart ass. Maybe that's your problem in school, too. Don't make me come back to Utah. [Maria arrives in Utah] Maria: Why can't these aliens ever get in trouble somewhere decent? Like Graceland or Tahoe or New Orleans. No, Utah. Mormons and mountains. Liz: Oh, my god, Maria. I can't believe you're here. Maria: Who am i, liz? Of course I'm here. Liz: Ok, thanks. Now give me some sugar. Maria: Hi. Mmm. Hi. Ok, first of all, I have some fresh green lime pie from the Crashdown. Liz: Oh, Maria, you-- you are a goddess. You know, if you were a boy, I would-- Maria: ok, no, don't go there, girlfriend. All right, now i talked to everyone involved, and I got the total unadulterated scoop. The judge and D.A. of this town are, like, totally sweating it because they have to go before council next month for reappointment and they haven't caught a criminal in, like, a decade, so they're basically out for your scalps. Ok, that's all i have. Now it's your turn. Spill. Last i heard, you and max were trying to take it slow. Max: What? Mmm. What's going on, liz? Liz: Do you love me? Liz: Yes. How much do you Max: who are you? Liz: Look at this. Max: How'd you find this? Liz: I spent 16 hours at the main branch of the library in Albuquerque. The diamond's owned by Delores Browning, one of the 10 wealthiest women in the world. Max: Where is it? Liz: It's on permanent loan at the Tate museum in London. But it's gonna be the main event in a traveling exhibit. It'll be in Santa Fe in two weeks. Liz: No, no, no, no, no. I want to do this with you, max. Together. Max: Why? Liz: Because if i had lost a child, I would want you to help me find him. But that's only part of the reason. The other part is that i don't want you to slip away from me. I know what it's like to be with you, and I know what it's like to be apart from you. And I would rather be with you. Max: I don't know if i could live with myself if anything ever happened to you. Liz: Max, you're an alien king. What could ever happen to me? [In the present], Isabel knocks on Jesse's door Isabel: thank you for this meeting, Mr.. Ramirez. Jesse: No problem, Isabel. Isabel: Mmm! Why didn't you tell me you were here? Jesse: I was working all night with your father. I couldn't call. Isabel: Oh, I just wish this could all be out in the open. Jesse: I'm still not sure why it can't be. Isabel: Well, there's the fact that you're 26 and I'm barely legal. Jesse: you're an old soul. You have clearly lived before. Isabel: You have no idea. So, what were you and my father holding back from us before? Jesse: What do you mean? Isabel: I saw the look between the two of you earlier. Clearly you're not telling us the whole story. Jesse... Jesse: Last year there was a robbery in the county. A kid died. No one was ever charged, and the local prosecutor got a lot of heat for it. So... This town is looking for someone to hang. Jesse: Max and liz picked a bad place to play bonnie and clyde. [Telephone rings] Jesse: hello? Philip. Oh, just, uh, working on some research. Ok, I'll be right over. That was your dad. They found evidence. [Scene switches to the past, and the museum] Max: The honor's mine. So you're the Delores Browning? Mrs. Browning: Well, I don't usually put an article before my name but, yes, I am. Max: So what's it like to actually own all these diamonds? Mrs. Browning: I only own some of them. Well, most of them, actually. So you're-- max. And you're not really ly a waiter. You're really an aspiring artist or actor or-- Max: no. I'm just a waiter. Mrs. Browning: A waiter? [Laughs] god bless you. Liz: What the hell are you doing? Max: Oh, liz. Liz: What the hell are you doing? Max: Nothing. Liz: Nothing. I can't believe you. How many times have i stuck my neck out for you, and you are standing here obviously flirting with a woman obviously-- come on, she's, like, twice your age. Max: Liz, calm down. Liz: : Calm down! Max: I better be going. I'm sorry. Liz: Oh, my god! You're apologizing to this bimbo?! Mrs. Browning: Excuse me? Max: Liz, let's just walk away and forget it. Liz: Forget it. You think that's your answer to everything, isn't it, max? Forget everything, ignore everything. Security Guard: Excuse me, ma'am. Could you come with me, please? Liz: Can you please not touch me?! Listen, this is what he does, ok? You, you're not special. He does this to everyone. You are a little bit too desperate to see what is really going on here! Max: Liz, will you just stop it? Liz: Why?! Mrs. Browning: Young lady, I don't think you have any idea who you're speaking to. Liz: Oh, I don't, huh? Mrs. Browning: Ohh! Max: Don't touch her! [Max pushes a guard, the diamond falls, and Max does a somersault and catches it] [Alarm bell rings] Max: I believe this is yours. I'm sorry. Liz: Get me out of here. Max: Liz-- Liz: you have humiliated me again. Now get me out of here. Did you get it? Max: Of course i did. We did it. Liz: You were brilliant. Max: No, you were brilliant. Liz: That was so exhilarating. Max: I know. Liz: You know, just the fact that we, like, pulled it off. everything. It's just, like, anything's possible right now. And then throwing that champagne at that woman, it was so cathartic. Look, and, max, I know what we did is totally... Totally wrong and completely illegal, but I just loved it. You know? In a million years, in one million years did you ever think? Yeah. So, now that the diamond, we have to find the spaceship, right? Max: Well, not right this second. Liz: Ok. [Giggles] [At Liz's home] Mr. Parker: Liz! It's 2:00 in the morning. Where the hell have you been? Liz: Upstairs. Mr. Parker: Where were you? Liz: Nowhere. Mr. Parker: And what are you wearing? Liz: Clothes. Lawyer: That's just the way things work here. She'll be fine. Mr. Evans: Nancy, Jeff, hi. Mr. McGregor Lawyer: Nice to see you again, Mr.. Evans. Mr. Parker: Mr. McGregor here was just giving us the inside scoop on the Salina court system. Mr. Evans: Ah, how generous. Lawyer: Well, nice to meet you folks. Nancy, Jeff. You're good people. Your daughter deserves her best sht. Mr. Evans: What was that about? Mr. Parker: He's trying to put our kids in jail. Mrs. Evans: Mr. McGregor just feels that we'd be better off pleading guilty. Mr. Evans: Well, he'd certainly be better off. He's a prosecutor. His job is to get a guilty plea. Mr. Parker: But he said that if we plead not guilty, it could provoke the judge and he'd be that much more likely to transfer the case to a criminal court. Mr. Evans: Jeff, if we plead guilty to a felony, then there's a case against them in criminal court. We can't give them that option. Believe me, I know what I'm doing. Mrs. Parker: No, it's just this isn't personal, Phil. It's just that you're a corporate lawyer and this is not your area of expertise. Mr. Evans: Nancy, Jeff, that man you were talking to wants a guilty plea, and he'll say and do anything he has to to get it. If we plead guilty, I guarantee you this case is going to criminal court. Look, our children are in this together. We're all in this together. Believe me, I am doing right by your daughter. [Scene switches to court] Judge: Do you understand the charges against you? Max and liz: Yes, your honor. Judge: How do you plead? Max: Not guilty. Liz: Not guilty. Judge: All right, then, you can have a seat. Now, mr. Mcgregor and Mr.. Evans, I've reviewed the material you've submitted-- Mr. Evans: your honor, before you make a ruling on this, I have additional material that i feel is critical to this case. Judge: All right, let's see it, Mr.. Evans. Mr. Evans: Thank you. These are 4 recent rulings in Utah state courts, all of which disallowed dna matches from hair follicles to be submitted as evidence. Uh, your honor, in consideration of the fact that these few strands of hair are the only physical evidence in this case and there are no priors on eitherr defendant who are both standout students and members of their community, I ask that this matter be dismissed. Judge: All right. Well, thank you, Mr.. Evans, I'll take that under consideration. Judge: Max evans. It's the decision of this court that you be released to the custody of your parents, that you be returned to your home state of New Mexico if you will agree not to return to the state of Utah until your 21st birthday. Do you agree with that, Mr.. Evans? Max: Yes, your honor. Judge: Very good. Have a seat. Elizabeth parker. Now, your voice and your height match the description of the person in possession of the firearm. Armed robbery's one of the 10 crimes punishable under Utah's serious sht offender act. Therefore it is my decision to transfer your case to the criminal court system. Mr. Evans: But, your honor, there was no gn found. The only mention of a gn was from the testimony of a clerk whose credibility-- Judge: I've made my decision, Mr.. Evans. This is for another court to consider. Mrs. Parker: Oh, my god! Mrs. Parker: You can't do this! Mr. Evans: Your honor, this girl has never so much as jay-walked. She's one of the best students in Roswell high. Judge: Well, you're not in Roswell, counsel. This hearing's adjourned. Mrs. Parker: Oh, my god, no! No, you can't take her! You can't--no! Mr. Evans: It'll be ok. Liz-- liz, we'll talk, ok? [Later in the courthouse] Lawyer: liz, i've reviewed your case with your parents, and my advice as your attorney is to try to make a deal. Liz: What kind of deal? Lawyer: You're a good kid, liz. Honor student, clubs, activities. Maybe you fell in with a bad crowd, met a guy with a problem. Maybe max dragged you into this. Liz: You want me to sell max out? Lawyer: He sold you out when he made you walk in there holding that gn. Liz: We're in this together. Mrs. Parker: Not anymore. Honey, you could go to jail for 20 years. Lawyer: Let's talk about the gn. Did max convince you to hold it? How'd you get it to begin with? [Scene swithces to the past] Liz: So, why do we need this? Max: Road trip. Liz: Where? Max: I did some research at the UFO center. There are 5 government storage facilities large enough to hold the ship. It's gotta be in one of them. Liz: I don't see a government facility , do you? Max: Let's take a look. Max: Don't worry. It won't be loaded. Liz: To go in there with a gn, that's a felony. Why can't I just distract the clerk? Max: That's not enough time. I need at least 5 minutes to get downstairs, see if the ship's there, and if it works. Liz: And what if it works? I mean, you go off to Antar and what? I mean, what if you never come back? Max: I will come back. And I'm not leaving yet. First I have to see if this is even a possibility. I'm gonna have to figure out how to navigate it. Liz: We can't get caught. Max: We won't. [In the present, Max opens Liz's cell] Max: Let's go. Liz: What do you mean? Max: Let's get out of here. Liz: Max, and then what? Just be on the run the rest of our lives? We'd never be able to go home again. Max: That's not as bad as it sounds. Liz: No, max, i'm sorry, but that's just too far for me. I'm not ready to give up my home or my family. Max: I wish we could trade places. Liz: No. No, no, no, max. Ok, I don't. You're free. We came here for a reason because your son is in trouble. Now you need to go back and do what we came for. You know, see if your ship works. Come on. I don't want this to all be for nothing. [At the hotel] [Knock on door] Max: how's it going? Michael: Maria's been crying about Liz the whole night. Other than that, things are great. Max: I need the diamond. Michael: Maxwell, i told you that guy scared the crap out of me. There's someone out there that wants us to stay away. And you know what? He convinced me. Max: I'll be careful. Michael, my son is in trouble. Just give me the-- give me the diamond. Michael: I would do it for you. You tell Isabel that you came in here and you found it yourself. [Max gets the diaomond from the undr the couch- Maria wakes up] Max: Hey. Maria: How could you make Liz hold the g*n? [Max in the hall, sees Isabel] Max: Hey. Isn't your room down the hall? Yeah. I was just in there with Maria. Max: In there. You were in there with Maria? Max: Where you going? My stuff's in the trunk. Isabel: All right. Well, good night. Max: Yeah. Good night. [Max gets into his car] Agent Burns: Max. I'm sorry. I have to, uh-- please. Agent burns of the fbi. So, why sam's quik stop? Max: My case has been dismissed. Agent Burns: By the sheriff's office maybe. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're just an incompetent criminal. But if you were in that store for any other reason, ... If you don't stop, you and your girlfriend will not be happy juvenile delinquents. [Max is reliving the past] Max: I have to contact my son. My son is in trouble. Just give me the diamond. Isabel: I thought we made an agreement to let go of the other world and live here. Max: That was before my son tried to contact me. Liz: I want to do this with you, max. Together. Max: Why? Liz: Because if I had a child that i had lost, I would want you to help me find him. Max: I couldn't live with myself if anything ever happened to you. Liz: Come on. We came out here for a reason because your son is in trouble. Go back and do what we came here to do. [Max is in the basement, but the ship is gone] Mr. Evans: What the hell's going on, son? Max: You followed me here? Mr. Evans: Yes. Yes, I followed you here. Because I can no longer trust you me the truth. I thought you were involved in drugs. But this is clearly something else. What were you looking for down here, max? What is this place? Max: If i told you what this was about, it would put you and mom in danger. Mr. Evans: And what's this? Max: Don't touch that, dad. It could be toxic. Mr. Evans: Why would there be a toxic chemical in the basement of a convenience store? Max: Just don't touch it, dad. Mr. Evans: Max, if this is what you think it is, we might be able to help liz. Max: What are you talking about? How? [Scene switches to a road] Agent Burns: Mr. Evans. It's nice to meet you. Agent burns of the fbi. We now have jurisdiction. Mr. Evans: So, maybe someone can tell me why the fbi is so interested in 2 teenagers robbing a convenience store. Agent Burns: Actually, mr. Evans, we're not. We tested the so-called toxic chemical you submitted to the sheriff, and it turned out to be laundry detergent. Max: It did? Well, we did our own test and it turned out to be tetryl. Max: Now i'm sure there are any number of people in the media that would be interested to find out why such a dangerous chemical was found underneath a convenience store. And even more interested to find out the location was on federally owned property. Agent Burns: You two are lucky to be walking away from this alive. You give me that jar now, and you were never here. You never saw anything under that convenience store, you never found any chemical there. Mr. Evans: It's gonna be difficult not to ever mention this again if that girl is still in jail, Mr.. Burns. [Back at the jail] Mrs. Parker: Could you give us a minute? Liz: What's going on? Mrs. Parker: The charges were dropped. Liz: What? Mrs. Parker: Max's father discovered improper conduct with the arresting officer, and so they dismissed the case. Liz: Oh, my god, mom. Oh, my god. Mr. Parker: Liz, before we leave, there's something i need to talk to you about. Liz: Yeah? Mr. Parker: Your mother and I forbid you to see max anymore. He's not welcome at our restaurant. You are not to go out on a date with him, or attend the same parties. If you pass him in school, you are to look the other way. Mrs. Parker: It's for the best. Mr. Evans: Max... There was over $200 left in that cash register. You didn't do it for the money. I never believed you did it for some adolescent thrill. You did it because you wanted to get down those stairs into that room. And I need you to tell me why. Max: I can't ever tell you the truth. Please, don't make me lie to you. Mr. Evans: I'm sorry, son. Silence is not acceptable. And neither is a lie, not after what we've just been through. No. Not under my roof. Max: I can respect that. I just want to thank you for helping Liz. I'll always appreciate that. Max: I'll come by home to pack my things. Good-bye, dad. [Max sees Liz come out and drive off with her parents. He gets in his car and leaves. The final scene is him sleeping in his car looking at the stars]	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x01 - Busted"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Michael, the Guys and the Great Snapple Caper" Episode: 2 45th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA02 Written by: Ronald D. Moore Directed by: Paul Shapiro Original Air Date: October 16, 2001 Karl: so, Mr.. Gweerin-- Michael: Guerin. Karl: It says here you've been an emancipated minor for the last 2 years. Michael: Yeah. Karl: A lot of responsibility for someone your age. You like responsibility? Michael: Yeah, sure. I like to stay on top of things. [Michael's memories of his recent "staying on top of things"] Michael: I only got 4 notices! How can you cut off my power? Michael: I'm a big believer in self-discipline. Michael: I'll take it. [Michael buying a TV] Karl: What about school? Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies? Michael: I think I can handle it. Karl: Ok. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job? Michael: Well, there are many reasons. Uh... But I think the primary one is... [More memories of the last date with Maria] Maria: Please don't tell me that the words, "Maria, can you pick up the check?" Are going to come floating out of your mouth once again, because if so, I swear to god, Michael... Michael: Financial. Karl: I see. Michael: And I guess i sort of want to see what it's like out there in the world. Karl: Congratulations. You are now Meta-Chem pharmaceutical's newest security guard. Michael: When do I start? Karl: Orientation's tomorrow night. Michael: I'm not going to be done at the Crashdown until 10:00. Is that too late? Karl: We don't need you till 0200. Michael: 0-2... That's 2 am. Karl: That's right. 2 to 7 every night. You're working the graveyard. I'll see you then. [Max reading from Liz's letter] Liz: Dear max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's going to call my father. But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart. I love you, and even when I can't see you in the day, I see you at night in my dreams. And I have been. Dreaming about you. Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night. I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't. It's amazing, like superman and Lois lane in the first movie. You know, the good one. [Liz sees Max looking in the window of the Crashdown, as her dad walks up] Liz: He wasn't coming in. Mr. Parker: Let's get back to work. ' Liz: He wasn't coming in here. He wasn't breaking the rules. Mr. Parker: We'll talk about it after your shift. OK? Liz: This is so ridiculous. You can't keep us from seeing each other. Mr. Parker: Oh, table 11's waiting. Liz:Ohh! Look at that. [Kyle enters and slams the door] Jim: Kyle? Hey, son, how was work? Kyle: It sucked as usual. Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again. Hmm. Kyle: "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." Well, it's nice of them to let us know. So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a full-time, well-paying job in your future? Jim: Well, actually something did sort of come up. Kyle: You got a job? Jim: Well, it's not exactly a job. It's a sort of a... How do I describe this? It's a business. Kind of a small business. Kyle: This i like. I like this. Small business? Jim: Mm-hmm. Kyle: That sounds profitable. Ok. ht me. Pitch me. Make me proud. Jim: I think i should pursue this a little bit further. I'll tell you about it in a few days. Kyle: Ok. I can handle that. I think. [Inside Michael's apartment] Maria: Michael, please. Come out. You've been in there an hour. Michael: Go home. I will see you tomorrow. Maria: No. I want to see it. Michael: Maria... [Max walks in] Maria: Hey, max. Max: Oh, sorry. Bad time? Is this some deranged sex thing? Michael: I got a job. Max: Security guard? Michael: Gotta start somewhere. What are you doing here? Max: Nothing. I just... Michael: Maxwell, it's the middle of the night. What's going on? Max: Well, you heard about my dad and i... That I moved out? Michael: yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. Smart move. Max: Yeah, I just... Look, I need a place to crash for a couple days, until I figure something else out. Michael: So, how does the Chevelle figure into this? Max: My car? Michael: Do i get driving privileges? Max: Yes, Michael. Michael: The couch is yours. [Scene switches to a convenience store where Isabel and Jesse are meeting] Isabel: Mr. Ramirez, fancy meeting you here. Jesse: Isabel... Evans, isn't it? Isabel: Mmm. Jesse: Aren't you out late for a school night? Isabel: Well, I'm in college now. Sometimes... I'm out all night. Jesse: I cannot believe we're meeting in a convenience store. Isabel: My parents never shop here. Jesse: Why don't you just tell them about us? I mean, eventually the smell of microwave burritos is going to kll the mood. Isabel: We will. We will tell them. We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two. Jesse: Isabel, you're 18. You're an adult. Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's... Jesse: Who's Latino? Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan. Jesse: Ha, ha. Isabel: Jesse, that is totally not it. Jesse: So, what is it? Isabel: This is just the worst time. My parents are all freaked out about max moving out, and I just think we need more time before anybody knows. Isabel: Ok? Jesse: Ok. [Kyle comes around the corner and sees Isabel and Jesse kissing] Kyle: Whoops! Isabel: Kyle. Isabel: Hi. Kyle: Hi. Jesse: Hi. Kyle: My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so i needed... Isabel: Ho-hos, of course. Kyle: Ho-ho. Kyle: Bye. Guard 1 (Monk): What are you doing, man? Michael: Watching a replay of tonight's game. Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Chico, you can't do that. Can he do that? Can I do that? ST>Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion sensor logs for the anomalies? Michael: Done. But here, I'll check again. Checked... And rechecked. Guard 3 (George): Hey, Chico, can I get that on my screen, too? Michael: Hold on. ST>Michael, turn the game off, man. That's not cool. Michael: Ok, Steve, here's the thing. This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna do what i can to improve the work conditions. That means this. [Michael takes off his tie] ST>The company has a very strict dress code. Michael: Yeah, but who's going to enforce it? Guard 1 (Monk): Suddenly, I feel very bad. Michael: Now, i know you want to take that off. Come on. ST>Somehow... I know I'm going to regret this. Michael: Yeah! Guard 1- Monk: Score! Yeah! [Michael enters with poker chips and cards] Michael: Boys, I have come bearing gifts. Guard 1- Monk: What you got, man? Oh, sweet, dude! [Michael and the guys are shown messing around at work, playing cards, watching TV, eating pizza, drinking Snapple and generally goofing off.] [basketball bouncing down the hall] Michael: door 52 secure, sir. ST>You've certainly made the guys a happier crew. Fly was actually on time tonight. Michael: Just trying to make things more interesting. Door 53 secure. Job still sucks. ST>Look, Michael, I just don't want this to get out of control. Some of us need this job. Michael: You take this job way too seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Maria sounds like a good girl. You're all set. You got a girl, got a job. Michael: Yeah. I just need power back in my apartment, d I'll be living the American dream. Guard 2 (Fly): So, you gonna marry her? Michael: Maria? Guard 1- George: Yeah. Michael: I don't know about marriage, Chico. That's a little bit down the line. Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Hey, mike. Michael: Mm-hmm, yeah. Guard 2 (Fly): I don't think you should say, "Chico." You really don't pull it off. Michael: Right. Yeah. [Michael notices Karl on the monitors- he is coming towards the guard booth] Michael: Red alert! [Whispering] Guard 1 (Monk): is this straight? ST>Good evening, sir. Can I be of some assistance? Karl: It's come to my attention that there has been a serious security breach here at Meta-Chem. ST>What kind of breach? Karl: Theft! Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of peach Snapple. Several cases, in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr.., Uh... Guerin? Michael: I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start? [Karl finds a Snapple cap] Karl: I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired. [Michael and Maria are in Michael's apartment] Michael: So somebody steals a case of Snapple, and what do they do? They blame the little guy. They point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder, the people who are actually working for a living. Maria: You actually worked? Michael: We screwed around a lot, but let me tell you something, nobody got in or out of that plant without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight! Meta-Chem was lucky to have people like us on duty. [Maria opens the fridge and sees the Snapple] Michael: Ok, so technically i stole it, but they didn't know that. Maria: Right. Michael: Karl fired us because he only thought one of us took it. Maria: But you did take it. Michael: That's not the point. Maria: Ok, tell me the point again. Michael: That corporate America sucks. Maria: All right. So, I'm assuming I'm gonna have to keep paying for dinner and supplying the kerosene to light the apartment? Michael: I'll get another job. Maria: Uh-huh. Now, what did other guys say about this happening? Michael: What other guys? Maria: Your coworkers, skunk and flea. Michael: Monk and fly. Maria: Whatever. Did they at least stick up for you? Michael: No. They were fired, too. Maria: What?! Michael: We all got fired. Maria: Wait. You got the whole department fired? Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple. Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on biblical terrain here? Michael: I'm not going to take the blame for this whole thing. Maria: But it's your fault. You acted irresponsibly. Now everyone's unemployed. Michael: I gotta get some fresh air. [Michael runs into Steve filling out an application in the minimart] Michael: Steve. Steve: Hey. Michael: Sorry about what happened. I didn't know Karl would blow a gasket like that. Steve: It's over. So... Michael: You applying for the clerk job? Steve: Apparently. Michael: Isn't it like half as much as much as we were making at Meta-Chem? Steve: Gotta feed the wife and kids. Michael: Yeah, really. That's an expression, right? Feed the wife and kids? Steve: Didn't you see the picture on my desk? Cheryl? The kids? Michael: Yeah. I guess, but I thought she was your girlfriend. And I thought the kids were your brother and sister or your... Your nephew. Steve: I've gotta get over to burger hut. There's a job working the drive-thru. See you, mike. Michael: Hey, Steve. I'm sorry, man. Steve: That doesn't help me, mike. [Liz is serving some diners their food, and the alien painting on the wall starts waving- words come out of its mouth in a cartoon saying "I'm in the kitchen"] Liz: Orbit rings? Liz: Um... Galaxy sub. Liz: Um... Asteroid salad. Liz: Oh, uh... Worf wrap. Liz: Is everything good here for you guys? Liz: Good. That's great. I'll be right back with your drinks. [Liz meets Max in the kitchen- they embrace] Liz: Hi! Max: God, i miss you. Liz: This is so insane. My dad's right outside. Max: I know. I saw him. Liz: I miss you so much. Max: Listen. Friday. Midnight. I want you to meet me. Dress warm. Liz: Why? Max: You'll see. Liz: You have to go. Come on. Max: Yeah. Mr. Parker: Liz? Liz: Come on! Max: Midnight. Friday. Liz: Ok! [Max runs out the door] Mr. Parker: Liz! Liz: Yeah? Mr. Parker: Where'd you go? Liz: Uh, nowhere. I was just taking out the trash. [Ding] Liz: that must be mine. [Kyle is sitting at the counter eating and Isabel comes up] Kyle: Hey. Isabel: Hello. You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day. Kyle: Nah. A stone unobserved is a stone-- Isabel: is this Buddhist? Kyle: Yes. Isabel: Could you not? Kyle: 'K. Isabel: Thank you. His name is Jesse Ramirez. He's my boyfriend. Kyle: Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen that guy leaving your father's office? Isabel: Yeah. He works for my father. Kyle: As an assistant? [Laughs] Isabel: as a lawyer. Kyle: So he's, like, 22, 23? Isabel: 26. Kyle: 26?! That's a problem. Kyle: Well, uh... Just out of curiosity, have you... Kyle: Have you...Told Jesse about your secret identity? Isabel: No. Isabel: No. Max and Michael would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret. I guess the truth of the matter is i sort of love Jesse not knowing. It's...Like we're this normal couple. Kyle: Nothing's ever easy, is it? Isabel: Nope. But, hey, I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it. Kyle: No Problem Isabel: And Kyle...if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you Kyle: Cool. Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been thrat by an alien, so... Isabel: No problem. Ok, bye. [Chuckles] Kyle: wait, wait, wait. Um... Good for you. I mean, max has Liz, and Michael has Maria, and you never really had that, so... Good for you. Isabel: Thanks, Kyle. [Max and Michael are staring at the Snapple] Max: So you're gonna return the Snapple? Michael: Yeah. Max: You think that's gonna get you your job back? Michael: You got a better idea? Max: Why don't you just go get more hours at the Crashdown? Michael: Because that's not what it's about, max. It's about the principle of it. Max: You stole the Snapple, Michael. How could it be about principle? Michael: Because it's not fair to ruin one person's life over a few bottles of Snapple. Max: And this is ruining your life? Michael: Not mine. This guy at work, Steve he's a killjoy, and he got fired along with the rest of us. Turns out he's got a wife and kids. Max: I see. Michael: Which isn't my fault. I mean, why should i worry about it? If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and then knock her up before he's got a decent job, how is that my problem? Max: It isn't. Michael: So why do I feel like this? Max: Like what? [Sighs] Michael: I don't know. Max: Like you care? Michael: Yeah. It's weird. See, there's you and Isabel, and you guys are like family. And then there's Maria, and she's... Ah, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys... Michael: It's cool. We can hang, and we talk, and we laugh, and it's like, uh... They're... Max: Friends. Michael: Something like that. Michael: Anyways, i gotta go. Max: Wait. Uh... You're gonna return them now? Michael: Yeah. I'm gonna break in and put the Snapple back behind the fridge. Max: Oh. And then what? Michael: Then I'm gonna call 'em, and I'm gonna tip 'em off. Anonymously. And when they realize that nobody stole the Snapple and it was all just a big misunderstanding, they have no choice but to give our jobs back. Max: Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... Better. Michael: Yeah. I don't have anything better. [Michael uses his powers to break into the lab- while putting the Snapple back, he watches Karl take something out of a vault and pass it to a guard] Michael: Karl's a thief. [Jim comes home and Kyle is waiting up like a parent] Kyle: Where were you? Jim: I was out. Just out. Kyle:. Have you been drinking? Jim: No. Well, a couple beers. Kyle: That's terrific, dad. That's part of your new business plan? Jim: Actually...It is. Listen, uh... I want you to keep an open mind about this. The, uh... I know it's not exactly what you maybe had in mind... ok, but I'm telling you, this is something I really believe in. Jim: Our first performance is tomorrow night. Be great if you were there. Kyle: [reading] "The country stylings of Jim Valenti and the kit-shickers." Kyle: Ha ha ha. How much does this pay? Jim: Oh, not very much at first, but see, we get a percent of the door, but it's gonna take us a little while to build up an audience. Kyle: Right. Right. Build up an audience. What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job i hate, and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind on the mortgage, but I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you gotta do is build up an audience. Have you even looked at those bills? Jim: Kyle, I'm sorry. Kyle: Dad, don't apologize. That's not even what i want. I know that when you lost your job as sheriff, that... It... Really screwed with your head, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. I do. But...[Sighs] I'm not--I'm not the parent here. And I can't keep our heads above water much longer. So... All I'm saying is that... You know what I'm saying. Good night, dad. [Michael is talking to the guards] Guard 2 (Fly): How's he getting away with it? Every square inch of the place is being taped 24-7. Guard 3 (George): Think, little man. Karl's got the master security card, so he can turn the cameras on and off whenever he feels like it. Guard 1 (Monk): What do you think he was stealing? Michael: I didn't get a good look at it, but they do all kinds of genetic research in that lab. Guard 1- Monk: I bet it was the cancer vaccine. All the big corporations have one just sitting on the shelf doing nothing. They don't put it on the market, 'cause there's too much money in cancer treatment, you know? Same thing with aids, tuberculosis, legionnaires' disease, measles, scabies. Guard 1- George: Monk, are you wasted, man? Guard 1- Monk: No. Maybe. Leave me alone. You don't know what it's like workin' at burger hut. Fries, no fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup. I need an escape. Michael: It doesn't matter what's in the vial. What matters is that Meta-Chem's head of security is stealing from the company. We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us is the actual thief, and we got a chance of getting our jobs back. Guard 1- Monk: How do we get the goods on Karl? Michael: We catch him in the act. Guard 2 (Fly): What, break in? Michael: Yeah. Guard 3 (George): No, see, that sounds a bit too risky for a black man. Guard 1 (Monk): What does Steve say? Michael: He didn't return my phone calls. Guard 1 (Monk): Well, you guys do what you want, but you can count me out. Guard 3 (George): I'm with monk. Guard 2 (Fly): Me, too, Chico. Michael: Do you guys know why we were fired? Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Cause you took the Snapple dude. Michael: No, who fires an entire shift over Snapple? Nobody. Michael: Karl needed to fre an entire security shift so he could steal whatever it is he's stealing from the company. We were easy targets. That's why we were fired. Karl made us out to look like incompetent fools, and that's what the world's gonna think of us if we don't do something about it. Used to be i didn't care about that. Turns out I do. So, yeah, we stole the Snapple. But you know what? We did our jobs well. And that's why i say we have no choice here but to screw Karl. Guard 2 (Fly): All right. I'm with you. Let's screw Karl. Guard 3 (George): I'm there. Guard 1 (Monk): Screw Karl, man. Guard 3 (George): So... What's the plan? [The guards break in, and Michael climbs into an air shaft, as the plan is voiced over the action] Michael: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone. The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has. But the truth is, one man can't watch everything. The trick will be to make him think everything's right on schedule, that nothing has changed... When in reality everything has changed. He's not alone tonight. Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with. [Michael uses a remote camera to film Karl stealing] Guard 1 (Monk): Got the sht. [the VCR eats the tape] Guard 2 (Fly): Problem, dude. Guard 1 (Monk): Well, hurry up and fix it, man. [Ring] [phone rings] Guard 1 (Monk): hello? Sheriff: This is the Sheriff Hanson.. We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with. Guard 1- Monk: Nope. Everything's ok here. Sheriff: What's the password today? Guard 1- Monk: Password? [Creaking in the ceiling as Karl looks up- Michael falls thru] Michael: hey, Karl. Karl: Gweerin, what the hell are you doing? Michael: It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in. Karl: You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny. Michael: Go ahead and call 'em. I have a nice videotape to show 'em. Karl: What are you talking about? Michael: I got you breaking into the lab, stealing a sample, and passing it off to the janitors. Karl: Well, that's too bad. If you had said it was gonna be your word against mine, I could have just thrown cuffs on you and called the cops, but I guess it's not gonna be that simple. [Karl takes out his gn and points it at Michael] Karl: Where is that videotape? Michael: You got to think about what you're doing, Karl. Karl: I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm confronting an intruder in the middle of the night. And fearing for my own safety and believing the intruder to be armed, I drew my wapon, and I was forced to sht him. Michael: I'm not alone, you know. I got help. Karl: I don't think so. I think you are here alone, and I think you're gonna tell me where that videotape is right w! Michael: Ok, ok, ok! I'll tell you. Ok, the tape... The tape... Is in... [Michael uses his power to pull down more of the ceiling- it falls on them and Karl drops the gn, but gets it back] Sheriff: Now, what i want you to do right now is put the gn down nice and slow. Sheriff: Good. Now, we're all gonna take a trip down to the station. Michael: Before we do that, there's a videotape you should see. [Everyone is in the control room, and the tape is out of its case and messed up] Sheriff: Well, boys, if this is all you got, it ain't much. Michael: Let me take a look at that. [Michael uses his powers to rewind and fix the tape] Karl: These clowns are disgruntled former employees who broke in and stole company property. Michael: Uh, you know what? I think I got it. Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, how'd you do that? Michael: I used to work in a video store. Karl: I'm not gonna say anything without an attorney. Michael: Don't worry, Karl. We'll let management know what happened. [Guys laugh] Sheriff: I'm gonna need statements from all you guys, but we shouldn't leave this plant unguarded all night. Michael: No problem. We'll finish our shift, come down to the station. Sheriff: Fine. See you in the morning. Sheriff: [Arresting Karl] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you... Guards congratulate Michael- Yeah! Yeah! Good work, huh? Good work. Good work. [Scene switches to Max and Liz on a high wall] Liz: So...What is this? No! Max, no! Max: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true? Liz: Yeah, I guess I do. Max: Then come on, Lois. Let's go. [Max lifts himself and Liz onto a hang glider, and uses his power to push them off- they fly away] [Band tunes up] Jim: good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jim Valenti, and we are the kit-shickers. Waitress: Are you 21? Kyle: Does it matter in here? Waitress: All that matters in here is paying rent on that bar stool. Kyle: Just--just give me a coke. [Mic feedback] Kyle: I may need that beer after all. Jim: 2...1. [Music starts- back up singers sing with Jim] if I had a million dollars- if I had a million dollars i'd buy you a house - i would buy you a house - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you furniture for your house - maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you a k-car - a nice, reliant automobile - and if I had a million dollars both: I'd buy your love - if I had a million dollars - i'd build a tree fort in our yard - if I had a million dollars - you could help, it wouldn't be that hard - if I had a million dollars - maybe we could put a tiny, little 'frigerator in there... [the crowd starts getting into the music as Kyle looks around- he starts clapping with the music-Sound fades away and Kyle is happy] [Scene switches to Max and Liz coming home- Liz laughs] Max: Shh, shh, shh! Shh! Liz: That was just amazing, you know? That was so amazing! Max: Well, you did say that, like... A dozen times. Liz: Well, did I say it like this? Or, uh... That? Or, you know... I'm sure i didn't say this. [Liz kisses Max] Max: Well, you do have a way with words. Liz: Oh. I'd invite you to come upstairs, but... Max: But if your dad caught us... Liz: Yeah. Mm-mmm. Mm. Liz: Good night. Max: Good night. [Mr. Parker is sitting in the dark half of the room] Mr. Parker: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter in the middle of the night. Be man enough to answer me. Max: We went to the desert. We didn't do anything wrong. Mr. Parker: It was wrong for you to see her at all. You know that. Max: I'm sorry. I love her. Mr. Parker: I don't give a damn about your love. Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery. She could've been klled. Did you ever think about that? Tell me you're not dangerous, max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. Yeah. That's what i thought. So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If i find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont. Max: Vermont? Mr. Parker: The Winnaman academy. It's an all-girls boarding school, and her mother and i filled out all the paperwork, and the application was accepted. So all I've got to do is write a check and put Liz on the next plane. Max: You would do that? You would do that just-- Mr. Parker: just to keep her away from you. Yes, i would. And I will. Good-bye, max. [Doorbell rings- Michael hands Steve his badge] Michael: got your job back. Steve: What? Michael: Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we nailed Karl for stealin' stuff. He's in jail. Steve: Wait, slow down. You broke in? Michael: Yeah. Found out he was a crook, and we nailed him for it--not just me. Everyone. George, monk, fly. Steve: You could have gotten arrested. Why'd you do that? Michael: I don't know. I figured it's my first real job, I'm starting my life, and... You know, I don't want to start off on the wrong foot. Steve: I'm not sure whether to say thank you or tell you you're a real idiot for doing something so risky. Michael: Say thank you. Steve: Thank you, Michael. This means a lot to me and, uh, you know... To my family. Michael: No problem. Steve: Hey, listen, um... Maybe we can hang sometime, you know, after work. Michael: Sure. Steve: You're a crazy bastard. You know that? Michael: Welcome to my world.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x02 - Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Significant Others" Episode: 3 46th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA03 Written by: David Simkins Directed by: Patrick Norris Original Air Date: October 23, 2001 [Isabel and Jesse are shown kissing each other, and seeing each other on the street. At night, they have a redesvous at a movie theatre] Isabel: I can't believe she married him. Jesse: She loved him. Isabel: She did. She really, really loved him. Jesse: Even though he was damaged. Isabel: And wounded. He was so wounded. Jesse: She didn't care. Jesse: She was brave enough to see past that, you know, to see how good he really was. Isabel: I love old movies, you know? The hero always catches the bad guy or wins the wr or gets married and lives happily ever after. I wish real life could be like that. Jesse: It can be like that. [Later, at home, Isabel touches a picture of her and Jess, and enters his dream- in the dream he proposes to her] Jesse: Isabel, will you marry me? Isabel: Yes. (in the dream) Isabel: Oh, my god! Oh, my god. [The next day, Isabel is looking at diamonds, and Alex (his ghost) appears] Alex: I go away for a couple of days, and you're looking at wedding rings. Isabel: Alex... Where have you been? I've missed you. Alex: If only you loved me this much when i was alive. Isabel: Alex. Alex: I'm kidding. I'm kidding. [At the crashdown, Liz and her father are arguing with each other- Michael and the security guards come in for breakfast] Liz: Chili and a hot dog. Mr. Parker: No fries? Liz: Did I say fries? Maria: scrambled, bacon, buttered toast. Mr. Parker: You got it. Maria: You know, I work here, too. Liz: Good. Maybe we could stage a revolt, burn down the kitchen, and free the slaves. Maria: You're making life impossible. Liz: Well, he could fre me. Maria: Or i could kll you. Liz: See, you're too late for that, because I'm working, like, 90 hours a week, which means I can't go anywhere or do anything. And you know, I'm probably gonna be dad from grease fumes by the end of the week. And I'm under constant thrat of being sent to boarding school. Maria: Could it possibly be that you and max robbed a convenience store? Liz: We didn't actually rob it. [Scene switches to Alex and Isabel talking] Alex: you've only known this guy a few months, isabel. Isabel: Alex, I can't really talk to you about guys. Alex: I'm dad. I'm beyond getting jealous. Isabel: All right. Well, I guess the truth is i've never felt this way before. This is the first time i've met someone i can see being with for the rest of my life. Alex: Ow, that stings a little bit. [Maria is taking the order for Michael and his friends] Maria: Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Maria: Late night? Michael: Endless. Am i on the schedule here today? Maria: No, you have school today. Are you still ok for saturday? Michael: Sure. What's saturday? Maria: Date night, remember, romantic dinner, just you and me? Michael: Right, and what-- what day is this? Maria: This is thursday. You need sleep. Michael: I need pancakes. Fly: Hey, pancakes sound good. Make that 2 with coffee, black. George: Hey, sweetie, how you doin'? Give me eggs over easy, side of wheat, and the biggest glass of milk you got. Same with no butter, side of bacon, thank you. Monk: French toast. Steve: Me, too, with sausage and bacon. Monk: And, uh, orange juice for the table and water. Michael: And a coffee, too. Maria: You know, if you're planning on sleeping, you probably shouldn't have coffee. Michael: With cream, please. Steve: Is that her? That's your girl? Michael: That's her. Fly: Did you ever ask her to wear that uniform off duty? Maria: Hey, can i help you? Isabel: Yeah, I'm just here to pick that up. [Guys laughing] Isabel: is michael laughing? Maria: Apparently. Do you want a drink with that? Isabel: No. Isabel: Um, can I ask you Maria: a question? Isabel: Mm-hmm. Isabel: If michael proposed, would you say yes? Maria: Oh! [Maria drops the plate she has been holding- Michael's friends applaud] Maria: Is there something i should know? Isabel: No. No, no, no. It's just a survey for my sociology class at school. Maria: Oh, so community college wants to know if i'd marry an alien? Isabel: Well, forget about the alien thing. Pretend it's not an issue. How long do you think the courtship should last before it's socially ok to get married? Maria: Well, is the couple in true, true love? Isabel: Well, let's say they hypothetically were. Maria: Ok, well, did they know from the first time they met that they were supposed to be together? Isabel: Say they hypothetically did. Maria: Ok, well, then my opinion is that, um, from the first second of the second minute, they're free to tie the knot. [Michael and the guys are laughing again] Maria: But then again, I'm just a hopeless romantic. [Mr Evan's and Jesse are talking] Mr. Evans: All I'm saying is roswell isn't exactly a hotbed of challenging legal adventures. Jesse: After new york, I was looking for a slower pace. Mr. Evans: Yeah, well, you've got that, which is fine for a middle-aged guy with a family. You must be bored to tears. Jesse: No, not really. Mr. Evans: Well, there must be something keeping you here. A woman? Jesse: Shouldn't we get back to the case here? [Jesse opens the door to see Isabel sitting on her father's desk] Jesse: Isabel. Nice to see you again. Isabel: Mr. Ramirez, it's nice to see you again. Hi, dad. Mr. Evans: Hi, isabel. Hey. What are you doing here? Isabel: Well, I had some time to kll, so i thought i'd bring you lunch. Mr. Evans: Oh, iz, that's wonderful. Oh, my little angel. Isabel: Um, cheeseburger and... Oh, no, they screwed up the order. Mr. Evans: What is that? Isabel: I think it's cucumbers, sprouts, and hummus on pita bread. Mr. Evans: Oh, god, no. Isabel: Yeah, and lentil soup. Mr. Evans: Oh...Oh. I'm gonna go next door and get chicken wings. Huh, you guys want anything? Jesse: I'll take that if you don't want it. Mr. Evans: Ooh, you're a brave, brave man. Ok, back in a minute. Jesse: That was clever. Isabel: I needed to speak to you alone. Jesse: In your father's office? It's risky. Sexy. Isabel: Jesse, i need to speak to you. Jesse: Yeah, me, too. Isabel: Jesse, what I wanted to say is just that, you know, if we're gonna continue in this relationship, it needs to be about now. I can't promise you tomorrow, and I just need you to understand that. Jesse: Oh. Isabel: What were you gonna say to me? Jesse: Pretty much the opposite. Miss evans, I want to-- I want to love you with the lights on. Alex: Kinky. Jesse: Metaphorically speaking. Look, even though we've only known each other a few months, I feel i really know you. I feel i know everything about you. And the thing is, I'm proud to know you. I'm proud to love you, and I want the world to know about it. Jesse: I don't--i don't want to hide this anymore. Alex: This guy's good. [Scene switches to Isabel and Alex talking on a bench] [Alex Sighs] Isabel: I'm cursed. Alex: Isabel. Isabel: I am. I am this cursed person. Alex: You are not Isabel: look what happened to you-- you were klled by an alien. And then there was Grant, the only other guy i was semi-involved with, and he was klled by that ridiculous alien jellyfish thing. Alex: It's like you said. Jesse had a dream, and dreams aren't real. He isn't going to propose to you. It was just a thought passing through his head, so let it pass. [Scene switches to Max and Liz talking] Liz: I want to move out. Max: And then what? Liz: Move in together? Don't you want to? Max: I want to for the right reasons. Liz: How 'bout being together? You know, we could just leave tonight and find some place. Max: The cost's just too high. Liz: We'll get jobs. Max: Your family, liz. It would destroy your mom and dad. Liz: They're destroying us. Max: Liz-- Liz: they are, max. Well, my father is, anyway. How am i supposed to help you find your child if i can't even be with you? Max: You are with me... All the time. All the time. [Liz's parents are talking] Mrs. Parker: Jeff, you can't keep her under lock and key 24 hours a day. Mr. Parker: I don't know who she is anymore. It's like she's become a different person. Mrs. Parker: She's not a little girl. Mr. Parker: I know that. Mrs. Parker: Well, you've got to stop treating-- Mr. Parker: I'm not treating her like a child Mrs. Parker: you're treating her like a criminal. Mr. Parker: She was just in jail. Mrs. Parker: Is this about liz, or is this about you? Mr. Parker: This is about keeping our daughter safe. Mrs. Parker: Don't you get it? You're driving her away. [Scene switches back to Isabel and Alex talking] [Door closes] Alex: if he pulls a ring from his pocket, you can't get all weak in the knees. Isabel: Don't go. Alex: No, you're on your own. Eye of the tiger. You can do this. Just say no. [Jesse comes up to talk to Isabel] Jesse: I thought we were supposed to meet in the balcony. Aren't we being a little risky? Isabel: Hey. I can't do this. Jesse: Look, did something happen? Did someone find out? Isabel: No, and they never will. Jesse: Wait, wait. Hold on. Hang on a second. Isabel: We're done. Jesse: Isabel we're just starting Isabel: Don't call me. Don't try to see me. Jesse: I need to know what happened. What changed? Isabel: Let me go. Jesse: Just wait. Whatever happened, listen to me. Whatever happened, we'll get through it we'll get through it if we're apart. Jesse: What does that mean, isabel? Look, you have to give me an explanation, ok? You owe me an explanation. Isabel: All right. Fine. This is going nowhere. We are going nowhere, ok? I'm 18. I want to go to college. I want a life. And you, what are you doing here, jesse? You came to visit your mother, and you've never left. You graduated with honors from harvard law school. You could be working for the most prestigious law firm in the country. Isabel: If you stay here, you're throwing your future away, because we don't have a future. Jesse: I love you, isabel. Isabel: You can't, so don'T. Just don't. [Isabel goes to Alex and hugs him] [Later, Kyle opens the door to find Isabel standing there crying] Kyle: whoa, jeez-Did you knock? Isabel: No. Kyle: So you're lurking now? Isabel: No. Kyle: What--what's wrong? Wait, you ok? Here, come on. Come on in. What happened? Do you want some water or something? Isabel: No. Kyle: Sit...Down. Do you want to talk about it? Isabel: No. Kyle: Ok, ok. Isabel: Aren't you late for work? Kyle: Oh, screw that. That's... Kyle: What happened? Isabel: I broke up with jesse. Kyle: Why? Isabel: Because there's no way. I can'T. I can't drag him into this. I can'T. Kyle: What are you afraid of? What do you think's gonna happen? He's gonna run away? Isabel, Has anyone you've shared this with ever run away from you? Name one person. Kyle: let him in. Let him deal with it. Isabel: I can'T. max and michael and I, after alex died, we made a pact to never let anyone else in, ever. Kyle: Well, just talk to 'em. I'm sure they'll understand. Isabel: Yeah, right. [Scene switches to Max and Michael talking] Max: Well, you can't move in with her. You'd have to move out of state to avoid her father. Do you still have to cross a state line to be a kidnapper? Max: I don't know. Michael: Thought maybe armed robbery would be ahead on the syllabus. Max: Slow down. Michael: Am i speaking too fast? Max: Me and liz. Calm things down a little. Turn down the heat. Michael: Back on the throttle. Sounds good. [Maria comes in to the apartment] Michael: You want a snapple? Maria: Where were you? Michael: Where was i supposed to be? Maria: We were supposed to have lunch at school today. Michael: Today's saturday. Maria: No, today's friday. Hello. Where are you? Michael: I'm right here. Where's saturday? Maria: What, are you guys saving the world from alien invasion? Michael: Would that keep you from kicking my ass? Max: I got to get going. Michael: Good luck. [Maria looks at Michael with a pout] Michael: Don't do that. Maria: What am I doing? What am I doing besides wondering where my boyfriend went? Michael: I said i'm right here. Maria: Sleeping? Or are you just waking up or are you going to bed? Or you're at work or you're at school. Where you're not, michael, is with me. And even when you are with me, it's like you're not with me. Michael: I am. Maria: No, you're not. Michael: Everything i'm doing-- the jobs, getting my grades up, is to be with you-- to be better for you. So, what do you want me to do? Tell me. I'll do it. Maria: I want a moment of your time. I want several moments. I want tomorrow night to be fun, for instance. Michael: Date night? Maria: Yes. And please, would you please wash your sheets? Michael: Ok. Ok, sure. Me and you, tomorrow night, nothing but fun. I promise. Maria: Do you really promise? Michael: I promise, promise. Maria: Can I have a snapple? Michael: Oh. [Michael sees a note he left himself about bowling league on Saturday night] Maria: What? Michael: I don't know if i have a cold one, but I'll check. Oh, I do. [Max and Liz are talking in the eraser room] Max: I want to talk to your father. I want him to understand. Liz: I don't think he's interested in understanding anything right now. Max: Why, what happened? Liz: I don't know. Well, last night when i came home, they were arguing about me. My father was just-- I didn't know there was that side to him. Max: What side? Liz: Forget it. It's stupid. I don't want to weigh you down with it. Max: Go ahead. Weigh me down. I'm pretty sure i can handle it. [A teacher opens the door and sees Max and Liz sitting on the floor] Liz: Uh, we were just talking. Teacher: Yeah. Steaming up the windows. Teacher: Liz, out! Bad move, max. Max: We were just talking. Teacher: Planning a bank heist? [Isabel is in the kitchen with her parents] Mrs. Evans: So, max is living with michael? Isabel: More like crashing. Mr. Evans: Crashing? Does he have his things there? A bed? Is he paying rent? Isabel: Can we just try not to talk about max? For just this once, just tonight. Is that possible? Mr. Evans: So, you're not gonna believe this, but I have to look for another lawyer. Again. Mrs. Evans: Someone's leaving? Mr. Evans: Jesse. Mrs. Evans: What? Honey, you said he was the best lawyer your firm has ever had. Mr. Evans: Apparently, too good for my firm. He's moving back to new york. Mrs. Evans: New york? Well, I hope he gave you decent notice. That's the thing. He just walked out on me this afternoon. Totally uncharacteristic. Isabel: You know, I actually forgot some books at school. I'm totally-- I'm not--i'm sorry. I'll be right back. Mrs. Evans: Isabel? Honey, what about dinner? Isabel: I'll be back. [Maria and Liz are talking at the crashdown] Maria: are you ok? Liz: Yeah. Why? Maria: You're making a cottage cheese milk shake. Sweetie, what? What, what, what? Liz: Nothing. I just don't know if i'm, like, mad or insane or what. Maria: Mad as in angry mad? Liz: Yes. Maria: Well, I don't know. You said "insane." I thought maybe you were expanding on mad as in crazy. Ok, fine. You're mad. What are you mad about? Liz: Impotence. Maria: Is max... Liz: No. I just-- I feel powerless. I don't know if I should pull the plug or what. Maria: su1c1de? Liz: please stop. Stop it, ok? i need all of you to stop it so i can take a breath. [Max walks into the diner] Mr. Parker: No, you don't! No, you don't! Max, get out of here. Max: Mr. Parker, I need to speak with you for a second. Mr. Parker: Get out before i throw you out. Liz: Dad. Max: Mr. Parker, I think that if we just talked-- Mr. Parker: I said go. Liz: No, dad. Stop. Max: It's ok. I'm leaving. Liz: I hate you. (to her father) [Isabel knocks on the door of the Ramirez house] Isabel: Mrs. Ramirez? Hi. I--i need to talk to your son. Isabel: I'm isabel. Mrs. Ramirez: Come on in. Isabel: Ok. [Jesse and Isabel go into the backyard- they look at the garden] Isabel: This is beautiful Jesse: it's my mom's pride and joy. Isabel: I thought that'd be you. Jesse: No, I don't bend easily enough to her wishes. So we should talk. Isabel: You want to put down those shears first? I don't want to lose you, jesse. Jesse: Isabel, you broke up with me. Isabel: I know. Jesse: Maybe we should go out to dinner tomorrow night. Isabel: Dinner? Jesse: I think we both need to lay our cards on the table. [Max and Michael are playing table soccer, as Isabel knocks] Michael: Come in. It's open. You're going down. (to Max) Isabel: I need to talk to you guys. Michael: All right. Make it quick. I got a big night ahead of me. Max: What's up, iz? Isabel: Ok, I'm just gonna make it simple. And I don't really think it's that big of a deal anyway so, you know, I'm just gonna say it, and you can react. There's--there's someone i want to tell about us. Michael: Well, I'm glad you don't think that's a big deal. Who? Isabel: His name is jesse ramirez. You both know him. He's-- Max: the lawyer who works for dad? Isabel: Yeah. Max: And why do you want to tell him? Isabel: Because we've gotten close. Max: Close? Isabel: Yes, close. Max: Meaning you and he are, uh-- Isabel: involved. Michael: Are you pregnant? Isabel: No. We haven't even slept together. Michael: Has he seen you use your powers? Isabel: No. Michael: Why are we having this conversation? Max: Well, then why do you need to tell him? Isabel: I don't need to. I want to. I want him to know because I want to be honest with him. I love him, and i want him to know me. I don't want to hide. Do you guys know how humiliating this is for me? To have to come here and ask your permission to have an open conversation with my boyfriend? Can you just imagine it for a second and put yourself in my position? Michael: I'm gonna put this as simple as possible. Isabel, I'm happy you have a boyfriend. Congrats. That said, lie about the alien thing. [Michael leaves] Isabel: he's gonna leave, max. If i'm not honest with him, he's gonna leave. Max: How long have you two been, uh... Isabel: 3 months. But I know him. I know him. This is the first time i've ever felt this way. I'm in love with him, and if i lose this, I don't know what the hell i'm doing here on earth. I mean, you have liz, michael has maria. This is the first time i've had someone. Max: Isabel, what if in 3 months from now or even 6 months from now, you two break up? Isabel: We won't. Max: How do you know? Isabel: How did you know to tell liz? I just do. Max: Right now, I'm not so sure it was the best idea to tell liz. It's screwing up her entire life. Isabel: No matter how much it screws up her life, you still have each other. Isn't that the most important thing? Max: Think about jesse, isabel. We agreed not to tell anyone else after alex died because we didn't want to put anyone else at risk. The second you tell jesse, his life changes... Forever. He becomes a part of a secret he didn't ask to be part of. You can't tell him, isabel. For his sake. [Bowling pins crashing] Maria: it's not quite what i had in mind. Michael: I thought you liked their tuna melts. Maria: Yeah, when i'm in a tuna melt kinda mood. Michael: What kind of mood are you in? That's a loaded question. Do you want both barrels now, or should I save one for later in case you forgot to clean the sheets? Michael: Are you joking me?! Maria: Do you even think of me at all? I mean, at all? We've been doing this for 2 years, and just when I think you're getting it, you don't! Michael: Listen-- Voice on PA: Would the owner of the ford festiva please go to the parking lot. Your lights are on. Michael: I'll be right back. [Scene switches to Jesse and Isabel heading to the restaurant] Jesse: Are you cold? Isabel: Yeah. Jesse: Here. (he gives her his coat- she finds a ring in the pocket) Isabel: Oh. Thank you. Jesse: You're welcome. Ok, I'll check on the wait. Be right back. Isabel: Thanks. Jesse: it's a 40-minute wait. It's $1.50 kung pao burrito night. So, listen, there's this new place i've been wanting to try... Isabel: Fine. Jesse: And, uh, it's french. Isabel: What? Jesse: It's the eiffel, as in tower. It's a few blocks up. We can walk. Are you ok? Isabel: Yeah. Let's go. [Back to the bowling alley] Michael: You want anything else? Maria: Yeah. Michael: What? A Maria: nything but this. Voice on PA: Attention, please. Would the owner of the ford festiva please go to the parking lot. Your trunk is wide open and your jack is showing. Michael: I'll be right back. Maria: Where are you going now? Michael: I've gotta ht the head. I think I have a bladder infection or something. Michael: Your jack is showing, man? Fly: Hey, do you want to win this or not? Michael: Yeah. Monk: Hey, how's date night going? Michael: I'll be lucky if she ever talks to me again. Kyle: Oh. These yours? Michael: Hey. How we doing? Kyle: You're losing. Michael: All right. Fly: Final frame, baby. You get a strike we win this mother. Kyle: Right. Like that's gonna happen. Fly: Hey, don't look over there. You don't need none of that psych-out crap, Steve: but if you screw up, I still love you, man. Michael: Thanks. Kyle: Hey, hey. Remember, uh, no alien funny business. Michael: Hey! Back off. [Michael gets a strike and his friends cheer and congratulate him. He turns around and Maria is standing there.] Michael: I double-booked. I made a mistake because I promised the guys, and then i promised you-- Maria: shut up. Michael: Maria-- Maria: shut up. I've got something to say, all right? Michael: ok, let me have it. Maria: All right. The other day at the crashdown, you were there and they were there, and isabel asked me a question which I chose to ignore at the moment. She asked, "is michael laughing," and you were. And I was jealous because I just-- you never laugh like that when you're with me. Michael: I do. Maria: No. Not like that. I've never heard you laugh like that until that moment. Something happened. You got friends, and that's important. Michael: I'm confused. Maria: I'm an idiot 'cause i wanted you all to myself, and that's not right 'cause i've never seen you that happy before, and I love you happy. I love you. Michael: This is ok? Maria: Yes, this is ok. Now you realize you have to take me somewhere to make up for that tuna melt, right? [Liz enters her room, and her mom is waiting there] Liz: Hey, mom. Mrs. Parker: You do know that there's nothing that you can do or think that i haven't done or thought of myself? Liz: Hmm? Mrs. Parker: So if you're thinking of sneaking out tonight, you might want to stay close to home, please. Liz: Ok. Mrs. Parker: Yeah? Liz: Mm-hmm. Does dad know? Mrs. Parker: This is not something he needs to hear about right now. Liz: Is he ok? Mrs. Parker: No. He's going through hell. Liz: Because of me? Mrs. Parker: No. Because of him. Liz: Mom, please tell me what's going on. Please. Mrs. Parker: Come here. When your father was 17, he was trouble-- a hellion, as my parents used to say. Oh, he smoked, he drank, he broke into people's homes... And he had a girlfriend... Before me. He loved her very much, and she was very good for him, and everybody thought that they would end up together. Liz: But they didn'T. Mrs. Parker: And he wrote her the most beautiful poetry. Liz: So what happened? Mrs. Parker: Your dad was driving. He was drunk. There was an accident, and she got klled. And, honey, he's never forgiven himself for that, and I don't think he ever will. Now he is so terrified that he's about to lose the person he loves most in this whole world all over again. [Scene switches to Isabel talking to Alex] Isabel: He's gonna propose. He's gonna tell me either I'm with him forever or he's leaving forever. Alex: And what will you say? Isabel: I don't want to ruin his life. Alex: You didn't ruin my life, isabel. You made me alive. Isabel: I also klled you. Alex: No, you didn't. You didn't kll me, isabel, and you didn't kll grant either. We were victims of circumstance. That's all. And you need to forgive yourself. Isabel: I can'T. Alex: Well, I forgive you, and since I'm part of you, you just did. [Liz goes to talk to her father, who is doing the accounting] Liz: do you need help with those? Mr. Parker: Thanks. Liz: Do you have any poems that i could read? Mr. Parker: What? Liz: Poems. Yours. I would like to read one. Mr. Parker: I, uh, i threw 'em away. It was a long time ago. Liz: Well, maybe you could write a new one. I don't hate you, dad. Mr. Parker: You're the poem, liz. You're the poem. [Scene switches to Jesse and Isabel at dinner] Jesse: isabel-- Isabel: yes. Jesse: This is, uh, so hard for me to say. Isabel: I'm listening. Jesse: Ok. I can't do this anymore. Isabel: Can't do what? Jesse: Be with you like this. I can'T. I can't. Ok? And--and-- there are things that you don't want, and there are things that i do want, and we'd be lying to each other-- I mean, we're lying to each other now, pretending that somehow we're going to fake our way through this, whatever this is... Now. Am i making any sense? Isabel: You want out. But what--what about this? [Isabel pulls out the engagement ring from Jesse's pocket] Jesse: Where did you get that from? Isabel: In your coat. It was in your coat. Are you gonna chicken out now? Here? Jesse: Chicken out? What-- oh, no. Isabel, this is my mother's ring. She asked me to hock it to pay off some debt, and I took it to the jewelers here, but I--i just couldn't do it, and-- Isabel: oh, my god. What is wrong with me? Jesse: You found this in my coat pocket when you were waiting for me outside? Isabel: I'm such an idiot. Oh, I'm such an idiot. Jesse: Ohh. You thought that i was going to-- [jesse laughs] Jesse: no wonder you looked so pale. Isabel: I've never, never felt quite this stupid. Wow. Well... Its a relief I guess? Ha. Jesse: You guess? Isabel: It is. I think. Jesse: Ok. We both came here to lay our cards on the table, right? Jesse: You were right... About 99% of what you said before when you broke up with me. If i stay here in roswell instead of having a big law career, I will be kicking myself for the rest of my life, and it's true. I stayed here the last few months to be with you. Jesse: but there's one thing that you didn't get right. And that's the fact that i would gladly live anywhere and do anything if it meant being with you. Isabel, I've never met anyone like you before, and I've never felt this way about anyone. And so, god, help me, but here goes Jesse: isabel evans... Will you marry me? Isabel: Jesse, i-- I can'T. I really, really want to. I really want to, but I can'T. Jesse: Oh. Isabel: I'm so sorry. Jesse: No. It's ok. I just feel... Really... Stupid. Isabel: I didn't mean for you to-- I-- I think i should just go. Good-bye, isabel. Alex: Go--go to him. Isabel: I can'T. Isabel, will you look at what you're doing to your life? You're stopping it. You're k*lling it. You're--you're sitting at a table with no one. I'm not really here. You need to move on. You need to move past me, and you need to start now. Isabel: If I ever have a son, I'm going to name him Alex Alex: Wha, thank you thats trully... thanks... now go! [Isabel runs after Jesse and knocks over a table] Isabel: Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, jeez. Oh. Ok. Isabel: Ok. Jesse: What? Isabel: Ok. Ok. Jesse: Ok. What? Isabel: Ok. I want to marry you. Isabel. Isabel: So, if you don't take it too personally that I ust forced you to propose and then said no, I want to marry you because I have never loved anyone the way I love you, because I'm young, and because you don't know everything about me, but you will...eventually- Isabel: Jesse will you just say something here? Jesse: I have only one thing to say which is, just this once, am i allowed to kiss you in public? Isabel: Please do. Jesse: I love you, isabel. [Alex is watching. He waves, and fades away] Isabel: I love you, too, jesse.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x03 - Significant Others"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Secrets and Lies" (Part 1) Episode: 4 47th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA04 Written by: Russel Friend & Garrett Lerner Directed by: Jonathan Frakes Original Air Date: October 30, 2001 [Joey and Bunny are sitting in his car on a mountain overlooking the city] Joey: Oh God, I love this town-- Looking down from here, it's like seeing the lights on a chritsmas tree! You know? It's magic. Bunny: Ahh. That's nice, joey. Joey: Yeah. [Bunny starts to light a cigarette] Joey: What'd i tell ya about smokin' in the car, huh? Bunny: Gimme a break! Joey: You gimme a break! I quit. I can't be around that stuff no more, so get out! Come on, go over there. Bunny: It's cold outside! Joey: I don't care! Go! Smoke over there. Bunny: Fine! Joey: Come on! Go ahead. Bunny: Shut up! Joey: Hey, those things are gonna kll you, you know. Bunny: No! You're gonna kll me! Joey: Yeah, right. Bunny: Bastard. Joey: Puff your brains out. Bunny: Oh, shut up. You make me sick. Come on! (The lighter won't work) [There is a bright flash of light, and Bunny sees a glowing man walking away- She runs back to the car, and sees Joey's brned body on the front seat. [Police siren- the next day the scene is covered by police] Cop 1: so...How's a guy burn to death in his car without leaving behind so much as a scorch mark? A female witness said she saw an otherworldly figure. Cop 2: Any evidence of this guy? Cop 1: No footprints. No tire tracks. Nothin'. Cop 1: So what do you think it was... Lightning strike or spontaneous human combustion? Cop 2: The registration has the guy as joseph ferrini, jr. Cop 1: Anything else? Cop 2: Got some repair bills-the tire gauge... this might be something Looks like a license plate number. N.M. New mexico? Cop 1: Let's run it. [Knock on door] Deputy: max evans? Max: Is something wrong? Deputy: Deputy brown- Roswell Sheriff's Department. I need to ask you a few questions about a homicide investigation. Deputy: you recognize this man? Max: No. Deputy: You sure? Max: Yeah. Who is he? Deputy: His name is joey ferrini, and his death is being investigated as a possible homicide. Your licence plate number turned up in his glove compartment in los angeles. You want to tell me why? Max: I don't know. I mean, I've only had the car for a couple of months. Maybe this has something to do with the previous owner. Deputy: Yeah. Maybe. Since this isn't officially a homicide case yet, I can't take you in. Of course the fact that you were arrested for armed robbery in Utah a few weeks ago does tempt me. Max: Those charges were dropped. Deputy: Yeah, I know. Ha ha. Must be nice having a daddy who's a lawyer, huh? Just wanted you to know that i know. And I'll be watching you. Max: Great. This is all I need. Joey: (In Michael's memory) I got a message for your friend max. Stop looking. Michael: Max, i know the dad guy. [Scene switches to Max and Liz talking] Liz: So he's the same guy that wanted us to stop looking for your ship. Max: The deputy told me that he died under mysterious circumstances. The police are looking into it as a freak lightning strike, but... Liz: But you think that an alien klled him. Max: But not just an alien. A shapeshifting alien. Nasedo klled the exact same way. Liz: Nasedo's dad. Max: There were 2 shapeshifters who were sent down with us on our ship before it crashed. Yeah, nasedo's dad. I saw that with my own eyes. But...I don't know. What about the other one? Maybe...Maybe he's still out there. Maybe he's the one who sent fellini to utah to warn us off, and maybe he's the one who klled him. Liz: How do you know that he's not gonna try and kll you, too? Max: Liz... I just keep on having these visions of my son. I know this is risky, and I know that I don't have much to go on, but I... Liz: You have to contact your son, and the shapeshifter's the only one who might know how. So where do we start? Max: L.A. Liz: L.A. Right. Right. Let's go. Max: Liz. This thing with your dad... Liz: That's not the point. Max: I can do this on my own. Liz: Well, at least i've been to l.A. Max: I'm not sure disneyland counts as L.A. Look, this could be dangerous. This time I think it would be better if i went alone. Liz: So what am i supposed to do... Just go to class? Pretend like everything's fine? Max: You'll be in on every step along the way. I promise. Liz: I'll miss you. Max: Not like i'll miss you. [In the classroom] Teacher: And our last team will be miss parker and mr. Valenti. Miss parker? What do you say to that? Kyle: Say yes. Liz: Yes. I say yes. Teacher: Good. I'm sure you and mr. Valenti will make a great team. Now let's talk about equipment. Kyle: Thanks, partner. Liz: Partner what? Teacher: The job of the investigative journalist is to tell... The truth... No matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant that may be. So your assignment this week is to take these cameras, go out into the world, and try to find the truth and capture it on film, or in this case, on tape. [Jim Valenti comes to the door, and waves for Kyle to come over] Jim: I, uh... Kyle: What's goin' on? Jim: I got a phone call from the doctor at the nursing home this morning. There's been another incident with your grandfather. I need you to go over there and deal with this. Kyle: Dad-- Jim: kyle... I need you to do this. Liz: >What's going on? [Jesse is giving Isabel her engagement ring] Isabel: Oh, my god, jesse, I'M...I'M... Jesse: Speechless. Isabel: Yeah. But jesse, it's... Jesse: Beautiful? I know. Its 2 months' salary. Isabel: It's gorgeous, but I can'T. Jesse: What--believe it? Isabel: Wear it. Jesse: The guy said champagne color was in this year. Isabel: It's perfect. The ring is perfect. You're perfect. But if i wear it, it just announces to the world that we're engaged. Jesse: Which we are. Isabel: Right. But the world doesn't know that yet. Jesse: Oh, so you still haven't figured out how to tell your parents. Isabel: Well, it's complicated. Jesse: Max moved out, and they're freaked about it. Isabel: Right. And they don't know that we're dating. Isabel: Is that guy watching us? Jesse: Isabel, don't try to avoid the subject. Isabel: Right. You know what? You know what i'm gonna do? I'm gonna start with my mom, ok? I'll talk to her tonight. I promise. It's perfect. [Liz and Kyle are in the nursing home] Kyle: Oh, god. This should only take a few minutes. Usually he just like... Spills his soup or cereal or something-- excuse me-- Kyle: and I have to, like, clean it up, and that's it. After that, we can go home. Liz: Isn't this something that your father should be doing himself? [Sighs] Kyle: yeah, should be, but he won't. He hasn't come to visit him in over a year. Liz: Well, how come? Kyle: I don't know. Might have something to do with the fact that my grandfather lost his job searching for aliens and ruined my dad's life. Liz: But there are aliens. Your grandfather was right, and your father knows that. Kyle: Liz, if you're going to start to point out the ironies in my family, I warn you: They never stop. [Sighs] Liz: You know... This might be the perfect place to find something for class. When you think of all the stories that are just... Locked up here, you know? The true stories of heartache, love and loss, and the pain. Kyle: Liz. Liz. There are no stories here that i'm even remotely interested in. Liz: You sure about that? [Kyle's grandfather is sitting staring into space. Food and clothes are thrown all around the room.] Liz: Do you think we should start cleaning this up? Kyle: Now? We just found our story. We're about to blow the doors off this place. Liz: We are? Kyle: Yep. Show the folks at home the outrageous conditions the elderly are supposed to live in. Liz: Didn't your grandfather make this mess himself? Kyle: Look at these ceiling tiles. It's all water damaged-- it's unbelievable. How do they expect anybody to live like this? Liz: Is he always like this? Kyle: Pretty much. Liz: You don't ever talk to him? Kyle: Sure, yeah. It's pretty much a one-way conversation. Liz: Hi, mr. Valenti. Hi. I'm liz parker. I'm a friend of your grandson'S. [Laughs] and your son, actually. Oh. Would you like me to read to you? My grandfather always used to like that. Liz: "Mysterious objects streak across skies in texas. "Several eye witness reports out of the lone star state confirm--" [Grandpa Valenti grabs Liz's arm] Grandpa Valenti: they are among us! They are among us! [Scene switches to Max driving in LA] [cell phone rings] Max: hello? Liz: Hey, so how's l.A.? Max: Big. [Honk honk] Man: shut up and learn how to drive! Max: And very friendly. Liz: Yeah. It sounds like it. Uh, look, I have a theory about how to track down the shapeshifter. Max: Right. Liz: Ok. No matter how many times nasedo changed his appearance, he always returned to one particular shape. Max: Ed harding. Liz: Yeah. Liz: Now, why is that? He could have been anyone. Max: So why keep going back to a middle-aged bald man? Liz: Exactly. What if the shapeshifters can change their appearance, but it's only temporary. Eventually they have to return to their base form. Max: Makes sense. Liz: Come on, would i steer you wrong? Max: I don't suppose you could steer me towards the hollywood cemetery. Liz: Yeah. I can't help you there, but good luck with that. Max: Thanks. Liz: Bye. [Scene switches to a funeral- Max walks up to the crowd.] Minister: "So great is his mercy "towards them that fear him. "As far as the east is from the west, "so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. "Like as a father pityeth his children, "so the lord pityeth them that fear him. "For he knoweth our frame; "he remembereth that we are dust. "As for man, his days are as grass. As a flower..." Agent: Who are you? Friend or family? Max: I'm a cousin. Agent: Funny, joey never told me he had any cousins, and, um... Joey told me everything. Max: He did? Agent: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We were close, joey and me. Like brothers. No secrets between us. And now I find out he had this whole family he never even told me about? Bunny: Shh! Max: I'm only a... A distant cousin. Agent: Do you have representation? Agent. Do you have an agent? Bunny: Please! [Whispers] Agent: ok! We'll talk after. [The agent hands Max his card] Minister: "Grant this, "we beseech thee, o merciful father, through jesus christ..." [Kyle and Liz are working with the camera at Kyle's house] Kyle: You're supposed to say action. Liz: Kyle, just start. [Sighs] Liz: fine. Action. Kyle: In my hand, I hold a billing statement for the sunrise retirement facility, my grandfather's nursing home. The exorbitant cost, over $1,200 a month... Outrageous, considering the sub-standard care he's receiving-- Jim: hey, guys. Filming something? Kyle: Cut! Dad, you just ruined the sht. You ruined the sht. Jim: Just grabbin' a beer. Kyle: How was your gig? Jim: It was great. Kit shickers are really comin' together. Jim: Hey, um... Listen, did you take care of that little thing we talked about? Kyle: Yeah. Jim: Good. Liz: That's it? Ask him about what your grandfather said. Kyle: He's not gonna talk about it. Liz: Well, let's find out. Kyle: Liz-- [Liz walks into the living room, and begins filming Jim] Jim: hey. Am I supposed to smile or wave or something? Liz: Uh, well, actually, it's for a school project. Our assignment's to get the truth about something. Jim: Hey, if you want, you can come down and film the band. We're musicians. Musicians are always searching for the truth. Liz: Well, actually, I was a little bit more interested in you and your father. Jim: Well... That's not really a subject that, uh... Kyle: How come you haven't gone to see him for over a year? Jim: It hasn't been that long. Kyle: Oh, yes, it has. September 24, 2000. Grandpa has it marked on his calendar. Jim: Turn that thing off. Turn that off. Who the hell did that? It wasn't him-- someone at the nursing home interfering in our-- Kyle: I marked it down, ok? Jim: Why? Kyle: Because it makes him happy. Jim: Kyle, I don't think he even knows who we are anymore. Liz: He said something to me today. Jim: He spoke to you? Liz: Actually, he grabbed me, and then he said something. Jim: What? Liz: They are among us. Do you have any idea what that would-- Jim: they are among us. They are among us is a "b" movie that was sht here in roswell back in the fifties. It's just a painful memory rattling around in an old man's brain. Liz: Why is that a painful memory? Jim: The leading lady in the film was klled during the production. My father was the sheriff at the time, so he headed up the investigation. Jim: I told you about all this. Kyle: No. You never talk about grandpa. Jim: Anyway...My father was convinced that she was klled by an alien. But she wasn't. She died of A... A freak lightning strike. [Isabel is on the phone] Isabel: Yes, jesse. I'm gonna tell her. Right. Right. I know. Simple, clear, and fearless. Yeah. Ok, I gotta go. Wish me luck. Ok. Bye. Mrs. Evans: Who was that? Isabel: It was maria. Mom, i need to talk to you. Mrs. Evans: It was max, wasn't it? Isabel: Max? No-- Mrs. Evans: of course it was, isabel. I always know when you're lying. That wasn't maria, and you know it. Isabel: You're right. It wasn't maria. It was-- mom, i need to-- Mrs. Evans: so, I mean, does max need money or-- or what? Isabel: Mom. It wasn't max, ok? It wasn't max. I swear. Mrs. Evans: Oh. Well, I--i just thought that, you know, after being gone from home for 3 weeks that he might just want to check in once in a while. Don't you think? Isabel: Mom-- Mrs. Evans: I mean, you talk to him, right? Isabel: Sure. Mrs. Evans: Does he need money? Isabel: I don't think so. Mrs. Evans: Well, do me a favor, will you? [Mrs. Evans hands money to Isabel] Mrs. Evans: Just in case. [Max returns to his car and he finds a note that says Go Home Max!- As Max is driving, his cell phone rings.] Isabel: Max, it's me. Max: Hey. Isabel: Hey, when are you coming home? You're ripping out your mother's heart. Max: I don't know yet. Isabel: For the record, michael and I disapprove of you wandering around L.A. Looking for shapeshifters. You know, you could expose us or even get yourself klled. Have you thought of that? Max: You know how important this is to me. Isabel: I know. I know, finding your son. I understand that. But...Do you even have a plan, max? Max: Yes, i have a plan. Well, sort of a plan. Max: I'm getting an agent. Isabel: What? [Max is having lunch with the agent he met at the funeral] Agent: ht man, thug, convict, tough guy. Joey ferrini could play 'em all. Max: So ferrini wasn't really a ht man? Agent: Oh, well-- not recently. Max: So what was joey in prison for? Agent: You know, you really don't know very much about your cousin. Max: He was my second cousin. Twice removed. Agent: asault. He was big on asault. Loved asault people. Which was why he's so convincing on screen. Max: Uh, joey called me a couple of weeks ago from utah. Agent: Yeah? Max: Do you know what he was doing there? Agent: You know, I didn't book that job. I gotta be straight with you, and I don't mean to disrespect the dad, but your cousin joey was not a great actor. Agent: Now, you, on the other hand, you, my friend, you are on a completely different path. Let's talk tom cruise. Let's talk keanu reeves. Max: I'm not an actor. Agent: What, and keanu reeves is? [Silent grimace] all you need is exposure. Max: That's the last thing i need. Agent: Oh, ho! Look, look! Look, look, look! Max: Who's that? Agent: Who's that? What, are you from kansas? Of course. That's why i love you! Agent: That is kal langley. He is just the biggest, the most powerful producer in this whole town. Now you watch as i plant your name in his brain. [Max looks up Joey's address in the agents PDA.] [The scene switches to Max entering Joey's apartment. His cell phone rings] Max: hello? Liz: I think I found something. I think the shapeshifter klled someone here in roswell in 1959. Max: What do you mean? Liz: You're chasing a serial kller, max. Look, an actress was klled on a movie location. The coroner said that she died of a freak lightning strike? Max: Coincidence? Liz: In roswell? There are no coincidences. Valenti's dad was sheriff at the time, and he knew that it was alien related, but nobody believed him. Max: Did he have any suspects? Liz: I don't know, but I'll find out. Max: Thanks, liz. Thank you for helping me. Liz: Yeah, well, you know, the sooner you find this guy, the sooner you come home. Look, my dad's coming. I gotta go. Max: Bye. Liz: Bye. [Max is watching a tape of him researshing for Utah] Bunny: Action. Joey: I got a message... For your, uh, friend max. Stop...Lookin'. Bunny: The person i work-- Joey: the person i work for will do whatever is necessary. Bunny: And then i'm supposed to sht. Joey: And then i'm supposed to sht. Bunny: Go from the top. Start over. Do it over. [Ejects tape] Max: it was all an act. [Joey's computer comes on and says "You've got mail. You've got mail... Max."] [The screen says "I warned you Max, stay away"- Bunny walks in on Max with a gn drawn] Bunny: What the hell are you doin' here? you've got about 3 seconds to tell me what's going on! Max: Just relax. Take it easy. Bunny: Talk! Max: I'm trying to figure out who klled joey ferrini. Bunny: The cops said he was ht by lightning. Max: Well, the cops are wrong. He was mrder. You know i'm right, don't you? Bunny: I tried telling them but they wouldn't believe me. They thought i was crazy. Max: You're not crazy. Bunny: I know joey was no angel, but I cared about him. Someone was out there that night. The cops said there were no footprints, but I saw someone. Max: You were there when it happened? Can you show me? [Max and Bunny arrive at the lookout point] Bunny: This is the place. I, uh... I turned my back to light a cigarette, and then there was this... It was blinding. And then joey was dad. Max: You said you saw someone. Bunny: Yeah, yeah, there was this man- it was weird- it was like...He was glowing. Max: And what did he look like? Bunny: I didn't really get a good look... Max: Hair color..clothes.. anything? Bunny: I'm sorry you know, He went off that way, and just seemed to disappear. Max: I saw that video of Joey rehearsing for his role up in Utah. Max: Do you have any idea who...Cast him? Bunny: Naw. I--I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. When he got back, he started acting really crazy. Talking about aliens and spaceships. I told him he was losin' it, so he stopped talkin' to me about it. He just said that he got the goods on someone... Someone big, and that it was gonna make him a rich man. That's it, isn't it? That's what klled him. What is it? What happened in utah? Max: We should get going. Bunny: At least tell me, am i in danger? Max: Come on, let's go. [Kyle and Liz are in the diner. They have a copy of the tape] Liz: I can't believe this movie was ever released. Kyle: I know. 87 minutes never seemed so long. [An elderly woman enters the diner] Mrs. Covendale: Are you liz? Liz: Oh, yes! Ms. Covendall, hi. Nice to meet you. This is kyle valenti. Mrs. Covendale: Oh, you look so much like your grandfather. Kyle: Yeah, well... Genes, you know? Mrs. Covendale: I was just so excited to get your call. How did you find me? Liz: We got your name off one of those film history websites. Kyle: Right here. It said that you did hair and makeup on they are among us. Mrs. Covendale: Are you guys fans of the movie? Kyle: Oh, just loved it. Liz: It's my favorite. Mrs. Covendale: It was a very exciting time. Roswell went totally hollywood. Liz: Well, we were wondering if you could tell us anything about the actress that got klled on the movie. Mrs. Covendale: Such a shame, what happened. ht by lightning on a clear day. She was a gorgeous girl, a real hottie. That is what you call them now, isn't it? Kyle: Yeah. I guess. Mrs. Covendale: Well, anyway, rumor had it that this little hottie got caught up in some kind of love triangle with the lead actor and the clapper loader. Kyle: My--my, um... My grandpa always believed that she was mrder. Mrs. Covendale: Yes! Poor thing. He caused quite a stir with that whole alien business. Liz: Do you remember if he had any suspects, anyone he might have accused of being an alien? Mrs. Covendale: Sure! He thought it was the clapper loader. [Scene switches to Max and Bunny in the car. Max is talking to Liz on his cell phone] Max: What's a clapper loader? Bunny: Oh! He's the guy who bangs the thing and goes, "take one, take two." Max: Oh. Liz: Who are you with? Max: Uh... A friend. I'm just taking her back to her place. Liz: Her place? Max: I mean, I'm just dropping her off. She's helping me. We're getting off the subject. Liz: Ok, uh... Well, here's the theory. If the clapper loader is the shapeshifter, then i'm thinking that maybe that's his base form. Max: The body he always goes back to. Liz: Right. Liz: And if that's true, maybe if we can find out what this clapper loader looked like in 1959... Max: He might still look like that today. Liz: Exactly. Max: Ok. So how do we find out what this guy looked like? Liz: Well, he'll be on all the film. He's not in the actual movie, but he'll be in all the dailies. Max: What are dailies? Bunny: Dailies? Dailies are all the footage they sh*t in one day. You know, like outtakes, bloopers, alternate angles. That stuff. Max: Thanks. Liz: I'm really glad that she's so helpful. Max: Ahem. So how do we get ahold of 50-year-old dailies? Liz: Well, I did some research, and I found out that the rights to they are among us were eventually sold to paramount pictures, so all of their dailies should be in their film vaults. Max: God, i love you. Liz: Well, did she hear that? Max: Definitely. Liz: Good. Call me when you find a way out to the paramount lot. Alone. [Max drops Bunny off at her place] Bunny: I, uh... Don't suppose you wanna... Come up. You know. Max: Uh...Thanks, but... Bunny: Eh! It was worth a sht. Max: Forget about all this. Forget about joey and utah and the whole thing. It's important. Your life depends on it. Bunny: And what about you? Should i forget about you? Max: Especially me i don't want you ending up like joey. Bunny: Ok. I hope that girl oh the phone knows how lucky she is. [Bunny kisses Max on the cheek] Bunny: Bye. [Max meets the agent] Max: I wanna be an actor. Agent: I knew it. Didn't i know it? I absolutely knew it! First thing we gotta do is get you some head shts. Max: I don't have time for head shts. I need an audition. Agent: Hello, steven! Hello, martin, hello, francis. I got a new kid for ya. He's got ambition. He's got moxie. Hey, wait a minute. Did I just say moxie? Whoa! I haven't heard that expression in a long time! That could be the very next catch phrase. I should write that down. [Max picks up a paper from the Agent's desk.] Max: I want this audition. This one at paramount. Agent: What? A guest sht on enterprise? Are you crazy? This is a big part. This is a major network show. It's a franchise. It's top of the food chain, kid. Max: It says it's just a one-day role. Agent: You're a trekkie, aren't ya? Oh, I knew it. I knew it. And as it so happens, I happen to have an in with the director on that particular episode. Max: Good. Because I need to get on that lot today. Agent: Ooh, my! We're gonna be high maintenance, aren't we? But that's all right. 'Cause i'm gonna make you a big star. [Jesse and Isabel are talking] Isabel: I don't know. My mom hasn't been looking very well lately. She might be coming down with something. This might not be the right time. Jesse: Look, it's going to be fine, ok? You can do this. Isabel: I can? Jesse: Yes, of course you can. Just go in there and tell them. Isabel: Ok. All right. Jesse: Just go in and tell them. And remember, this is good news. Isabel: Right. Good news. Good news. Jesse: That's right. Isabel: Ok. [Isabel is having dinner with her parents] Mrs. Evans: Oh, I used to love halloween when you were a little girl. Mr. Evans: Remember the year you dressed up as madonna? Mrs. Evans: Oh, and max was adam ant. Remember he dragged you all over town looking for that one perfect shirt he had to have. Mr. Evans: Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Evans: And the next year was the freddy krueger glove that he just had to have. Mr. Evans: Have you heard from-- Mrs. Evans: philip. Isabel: Ok, look. There's something I need to tell you both-- Mrs. Evans: about max? Isabel: No. Not about max. It's about me. Ha ha. It's something i've been trying to say for days, but there's just been this weight over everything, and I thought maybe it wasn't the right time, you know, but then i thought, "it is the right time," because it is really good news. It's really, really... Really good news, and if there's anything that this family needs at this moment in time, it's a little joy, right? A little happiness. So, um... Mrs. Evans: This doesn't sound like reallly good news, Isabel: really it's...It'S... Isabel: Mom...Dad...I'm getting married to Jesse from your office, you know?... Isabel: ok, wow! Ha ha. I feel better. So...What should we eat? [Inhales] Liz: so your grandfather was right. The actress was klled by an alien. Kyle: Yep. Liz: That's it? Tell him what we found out! Liz: Kyle, your grandfather was right. You have to tell your father. Kyle: I don't think so. Liz: Kyle, your family is a damn nightmare. Somebody has to break the cycle of silence. Kyle: Yeah, someone should. Liz: Yeah, someone should. Kyle: Me? Why me? Why should i break the silence? Liz: Who cares who breaks it? Just do it! Kyle: Let me think about it. Liz: No, no thinking. Just doing. Liz: Mr. Valenti? Mr. Valenti, could you come in here please? Kyle: Liz, you have no right to intrude on my dysfunctional-- Kyle: hey, dad. Liz: Hi, mr. Valenti. Kyle here has something he'd like to talk to you about. Jim: Oh, yeah? What's that? Liz: I have to go. Have a really nice talk. Jim: Kyle? Kyle: It's nothin', nothin'. Jim: 'K. Kyle: Dad? Jim: Hmm? Kyle: I'd really hate for what's going on between you and grandpa to happen to us. [Scene swithces to Jim visiting his father] Jim: Good lookin' son of a gn, weren't ya? I guess it runs in the family. [Sighs] Jim: hey, uh... Dad, i gotta take off, all right? I got some stuff to do at home, so i'll see ya in a few days or something, and I'll... I'll see ya. [Grandpa Valenti stands up, and points to the date on the calendar] Jim: Hey. Come here. Come here. All right. Come on. Come on. I got ya. I got ya. Come on. Here we go. I know. It's all right. Listen, I'll get a pen, all right? And we'll, uh... And we'll mark today on your calendar... All right? then when I come back tomorrow, we can mark... We can mark that day, too. [Scene switches to Max's audition at Paramount> Jonathan Frakes: Next! Max: Hey, mr. Frakes. Max evans. From roswell. Jonathan Frakes: Oh. Nice to see you. Max: the UFO convention, I Helped upgrade your hotel room. Jonathan Frakes: That's right. Welcome to l.A. This is john billingsley from enterprise. John Billingsley: How you doing? Max: Hey. Jonathan Frakes: That's ok. I'll get the door. Whenever you're ready, go ahead. It's all yours. John Billingsley: I'm dr. Phlox of the starship enterprise. Max: I am..."Korgan. "My people are called the bantoo. [Speaking quickly] we claim this region of space." John Billingsley: The enterprise is in a desperate situation. Rigellian fever has swept through the ship, and we urgently need a source of ryetallin. Max: "You come to steal from us?" John Billingsley: No. Max: "If you do not leave our space immediately, "we will have no choice but to destroy your ship." Jonathan Frakes: One minute. Hold on. This character korgan is an alien. He's an alien from another planet. And right now, I'm not feeling really like... Like you're an alien. Do you know what i mean? Do you wanna give it another sht? Just from the top. Whenever you're ready. [Same delivery] Max: "i am...Korgan. My people are the bantoo." Jonathan Frakes: Much better. Thank you very much, max. Take care. [Max meets his agent in the lot] [Snickers] Agent: gimme a call. We could set up an audition. I'm one of the few people in this town that will still see raw talent. You're a little too raw. I'm sorry. It's a tough business. Wait--my guy. My guy! Hey, you got it! You got it! Max: I did? Agent: Oh, I'm sure you got it. Max: Really. Agent: Absolutely. And if not, there's still buffy. Max: You know, I'd like to look around for a while. My first time on a movie lot and all. Agent: Still the wide-eyed innocent, huh? Don't lose that. We can milk that naivete for all its worth. Agent: Go ahead. Knock yourself out. I got people on the lot i should go hassle anyway. Max: Right Agent: Oh--cart! Yo! [Max opens the film valut. He is talking to Liz on the cell phone] Liz: Max, he's thrat you twice already. The shapeshifter obviously knows you're there and wants you out of l.A. Max: Liz, i'm close. I'm in the vault now. Liz: Max this is making me nervous. He's been tracking you. Max? Max: I found it. Liz: Ok, well--hurry. Try to get a look at him and get out of there. Liz: It doesn't matter where you look. You should be able to see him at the start of any sht. Max: It's tough to make anything out. Max: Hang on. Liz: Max. Max? Max: Oh, my god. Liz: Max, what do you see? Max: He's a movie producer. Liz, i know this guy. I saw him in a restaurant. [Line goes dad] liz? Liz? Shape Shifter: Congratulations, max. You found me. Max: You're the shapeshifter. Why'd you kll ferrini? Shape Shifter: Well... He figured out what i am... And that didn't work for me. [The shapeshifter raises his hand and Max flies across the room] Shape Shifter: I told you to stop lookin' for me. [He raises his hand, and the film ingnites [To Be Continued]	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x04 - Secrets and Lies"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Control" (Part 2) Episode: 5 48th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA05 Written by: Gretchen J. Berg & Aaron Harberts Directed by: Bill L. Norton Original Air Date: November 6, 2001 [fre crackling] Max: mmhhh! Kal: Why are you here? Max: I'm looking for our ship... From the '47 crash. Kal: Who are you working with? Max: No one. Kal: Don't lie to me. I will kll you. Max: Like you klled ferrini? Kal: How did you get to los angeles? Max: I-10 west, then straight north. Kal: Don't get cute with me, you prick. Max: Do you mrder everyone who discovers you're an alien, or do they get a warning first? Unnhh! Kal: Why do you think i know where this ship is? Max: You knew it was in utah. Kal: Who else knows? [Coughing] Max: please, the... Kal: answer me! [Breathing hard] [coughing] Kal: so, this is the mighty king of antar. A low-rent tom cruise with a $10 haircut? Buddy boy, you have no idea what you're gettin' yourself into. Max: I came all this way to find you. I need your help. you're our protector. Kal: don't call me that. yeah...I was put on that ship to protect you. But that was 50 years ago. [Coughing] Kal: boys! Kal: You're leaving... Or you're dad. Take mr. Evans to my airplane [Isabel and her mother are meeting with the wedding planner] [Sighs] Isabel: I want a country wedding. Something simple but elegant. Wedding Planner: Sounds like you and mom have been brainstorming. Mrs Evans: Oh, not me. I, um... Can hardly get used to the fact that i'm here. Isabel: mom, you said you'd be supportive. Mrs Evans: I didn't exactly have a choice. Wedding Planner: It's always a surprise when your little girl takes this step. Mrs Evans: Mmm. Wedding Planner: Patrick! I need mist over here. These lilies are languishing before my eyes. [Sighs] Isabel: why are you being so negative? Mrs Evans: isabel, I am in shock. I mean, I' barely gotten used to the idea of you graduating high school. Isabel: Mom, we have been discussing this for 48 hours straight. I mean, you were the one who hired the annoying wedding planner. Mrs Evans: Well, I mean, if you're actually gonna go through with this, you need to have a realistic plan. "If"? Isabel: Sorry. So, Wedding Planner: where were we? Isabel: Well, I was thinking that i'd like to have the wedding in a freshly mown field...Maybe next to a pond, and then have the reception in an old barn. Wedding Planner: Oh, that's a lovely notion. Really, it is, isabel, but when you go country, you open the door to a host of logistical nightmares. Plus, the insect population-- very hard to control. Wedding Planner: You want to know a wonderful venue? The lobby of the springfield inn. I have done so many weddings there. Isabel: But I don't want someone else's wedding. Jesse: Maybe we could light the barn with torches. Not...Not like tiki torches. I...Mean... Maybe torches is the wrong word. More like candles. Oh, there's nothing more flammable than an old barn. Isabel: Yes, well, that's why we need the pond. Windy, this is my fiance jesse. Wedding Planner: So, when do we want to have the big day? Isabel: This spring. Mrs Evans: What? Isabel: Yeah. We figured... Why wait? Mrs Evans: This is not a race. I mean, the two of you just got engaged. Let's-- Isabel: mom...It's what we want. Can't you just be happy? We're planning my wedding. I mean, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be great. Wedding Planner: Oh...So cute, so in love. [Scene switches to a party at Kal's mansion. Max crashes the party] Man: So, uh, what happened with tiffany? Did she walk? Kal: What, are you kidding? She's an actress. I bumped up her per diem. I put her in a bigger trailer. I got brian to rewrite the part. Brian: That was my finest hour. now the hooker's a part-time yoga instructor. Max: You'll open 30 million easy. Sorry I'm late. I...Was on the phone with variety. Kal: I thought you were on an airplane. Max: Nah. I wanted to keep talkin' about our project. Kal: Project? You're killin' me, kal. Max: Max evans. Antar films. [Liz and Maria are talking in the Kitchen of the Crashdown. Liz takes cookies our of the oven] Liz: Voila. M&m tabasco swirl cookies. I came up with the recipe all by myself. Maria: A care package. Max is so spoiled, man. Liz: No, he is not. Maria: Liz, he hasn't been gone more than a week. Liz: Could you just let me finish? Because he's calling in less than an hour. Maria: What? really? Liz: Uh-huh. Maria: Are you guys gonna talk, or are you just gonna breathe heavy into the phone? Are you gonna repeat each other's name back and forth and back and forth? Liz: Stop it! Ha ha! Liz: Oh! Hey! Isabel: Hi. Um... I'm getting married to jesse ramirez. Liz: What?! Maria: What?! Isabel: Yeah, and you know weddings are full of all kinds of stupid traditions, like the garter toss and that--that chicken dance and, well...Bridesmaids, and since you guys are the closest thing i have to girlfriends, I was wondering if you would be mine? Maria: Ok. Liz: Yeah, sure. Isabel: Great! Good. Ok. That's done. Ok. [Isabel looks at the tray of cookies] Isabel: is that for max? Maria: Uh-huh. Liz: Yeah. Sure is. Isabel: He's so spoiled. Maria: Mm-hmm. Isabel: You know what? He doesn't know about the engagement yet, so let's just... Keep it that way. And, maria, I'm gonna need you to tell michael for me. Ok. See ya. Maria: Did that just happen? [Scene switches to Max talking at the party] Max: An alien... Stranded on earth... Tries to find his way back home. Woman: Like e.T. Max: Yes. But... Think tom cruise. Man: Sounds more like starman. Max: Exactly. Kal: That picture didn't open . Max: Oh, it gets better, Kal. See, our guy hunts down another alien, also stranded on earth. Kal: He's the only person who can help him on his quest. Man: How? Max: I'm glad you asked, scott. There's a ship Kal: ha ha ha ha! Max: And this other alien might know whe it is, or at least have the resources to find it. You see, this other alien is a big... [Chuckles] Hollywood producer. [everyone- Chuckling and laughter] Kal: ah... that i like. Except i-- I don't like these feel-good science fiction flicks. I don't think they're interesting unless... Somebody dies. [Michael is visiting Isabel] Isabel: Why is it you feel you're above doorbells? Michael: Got your message. Is it a joke? Isabel: No. I'm getting married. Michael: We agreed not to bring anyone else into this. Isabel: Michael... I don't want to put my life on hold. This is my one chance to be happy... To love someone and have him love me back without all of this garbage that has made us miserable our whole lives getting in the way. I've put a lot of thought into it, and I don't see any reason why Jesse has to know the truth. Michael: Well, knowing what i know about alien sex, he's gonna have major questions after the honeymoon. Isabel: ok, michael, get out of my room. Michael: what did max say? [Sighs] Isabel: I'm gonna tell him when he gets back. Come on, michael. Just congratulate me. Michael: On what? [Back at the Hollywood party] Man: Mmm. Call me tomorrow? Do lunch? Kal: max. That picture of yours... Stick around. I got somethin' I'd like to throw at ya. Man: you sure you don't want me to st-- Kal: good night, brian. Man: Ok. [Kyle raises his hand, and Max flies across the room] Kal: you come to my home. You taunt me in front of my friends. You thrat... To expose me! Max: I have a son. Kal: You mated with another alien hybrid. Max: My child is back on antar. he's in trouble. That's why i need the ship... And one of its pilots. Kal: The air force reassembled that ship. But it will never fly. Max: If anyone can get it up and running, it would be you. Kal: I told you... I told you i would kll you. [Choking] Max: you're gonna have to. Uhh! [Langley breathes rapidly and shallowly- he raises his hand again towards Max] Max: you can't kll me, can you? You've had so many chances. Utah...Yesterday in the film vault... but you can't... Because you're my protector. Get as mad as you want, but get one thing straight-- I am not going anywhere until you help me. [Back in the diner, Maria and Liz are discussing Isabel] Maria: I still can't believe Isabel's getting married. This is, like, a disaster of epic proportions. If you think michael freaked when he found out, Max is gonna go ballistic. And who is jesse ramirez? Mrs Evans: Hi, girls. Maria: Oh, hi, ms. Evans. You're here! I--i mean... How are-- how are you? Good. Mrs Evans: So...What's new? Maria: Uh, nothing. You know Roswell. [Maria chuckles uncomfortably] Mrs Evans: Hmm. Well... Actually, I, um... I was looking for michael. Liz: Oh, I'm sorry, but he's not working today. Mrs Evans: Oh. Well, Maria, would you kindly remind him that he still has my 9-by-13 casserole dish? Isabel took something over weeks ago for Max, and I'd like it back. Maria: I--well, I'll remind him. Definitely. Mrs Evans: So, liz... How is max? Liz: Um... He's fine. Mrs Evans: I was wondering if you happen to have his new cell phone number. Apparently, he, um, he changed it when he moved out. I've left a couple of messages at michael's, but...I'm not even sure he's living there anymore. I just want to talk to my son. I want to know that he's safe. I'm sure you can understand that, can't you? Liz: I'm sorry, but i can't help you. Mrs Evans: Well... I'll let you girls get back to work. Ok. Bye. Maria: open defiance of a parental unit. Whoo! This is just so twisted and... Romantic. You and max are totally Romeo and Juliet against the world. Liz: Well, actually, romeo never called last night. Maria: What? Liz: Yeah. [Liz takes a man's plate] Man: Hey! I'm not done! Maria: He'd better be in a ditch somewhere. Liz: Maria, do not say that. Maria: I'm just saying blwing off a phone date is unacceptable, that's all. Liz: Look, I am just trying to convince myself that he's not hurt or worse, that he is just busy. Maria: Call his alien butt. Liz: No. No, I am not gonna become the codependent girlfriend, not when he is on this whole quest. Maria: Ok, I respect that... But, i mean, how long is this thing gonna take? He may never find his son. Liz: Thanks for the pep talk, maria. Maria: No. Ok, there's no doubt in my mind that he is madly in love with you, but, i mean, you're half of this couple. You know, you can't forget that. [The next day, Max shows up at Kal's Mansion] Kal: That'll be all, Giselle. Thank you. Max: Why would someone who can't feel get a massage? Kal: Excuse me? Max: You had your finger in a lit candle last night, and you didn't even flinch. See, i don't think you can smell or taste, either. You must have a thousand lemons in your fridge. Kal: I like tea. Max: See, i don't remember much when I first came out of the pods, but I do remember this-- the first few months, I couldn't smell or taste anything except for strong flavors... Sugar, lemon...Tabasco. Eventually, our senses matured. Max: You don't know how lucky you are to have even a fraction of human dna inside you? Max: You have human envy? Kal: there's not a sensual pleasure on this planet i can't afford, but I can't experience it, not like they can. Max: if your life is so limited, then how can you stand living here? Kal: I've learned to diminish my alienness. Max: How? I don't shapeshift. I haven't done it in years. Gives the body organs a chance to function. Max: That seems impossible. Kal: Well, first 30 years, it was. Then, in 1978... I smelled chlorine in the pool. Soon after that, lemons. Last 20 years was a bust, but don't you feel sorry for me. I love my life. can you say the same? Max: I need to find my son. He's in danger. You can help. Kal: No, max. Kal: This is my home- hollywood, california, U.S.A., Planet earth. [Telephone rings] [clears throat] [beep] Kal: hello! Nicki, baby. No. No, no. No. I want your client on my set in 2 days. That's not true. I'll e-mail you a copy of the contract. I only yell because I love. Later. Kal: Hey, kid... [Beep] Kal: this'll cheer you up. C.E.O. Of nokia? He gave me this. I got his granddaughter to meet brad pitt. Only other guy who's got it is Dick Cheney. George W. Is still pissed. Max: Oh, yeah? Let me see it. Kal: Huh? The phone. If it's that amazing, hand it over. It's yours. Max: What? I mean, Kal: you just--you said-- hey, you said yourself i should be more giving. Stick around. Have a sandwich. Take a swim. See you later, Max. [Mrs. Evans walks in on Isabel kissing Jesse] Mrs Evans: Isabel, honey, do you have-- uh... Um... Do you have the number of the, uh, printer that we used for your graduation announcements? Isabel: Yeah, it's in my planner. I'll go get it. Mrs Evans: Oh, no, no, no, no. I...I can find it, why don't you two just... Go back to doing whatever... It was that you were doing. [Mrs. Evan's gets Max's new number out of Isabel's planner] Max: hello? Mrs Evans: Max. It's mom. Max: Hi Mrs Evans: how are you? Max: good. I'm good. Mrs Evans: Where are you, honey? Max: I'm in california, mom. Mrs Evans: california? Why? Max: Just...Because...Mom. What is happening to our family? Do you know about your sister? Max: What about her? Mrs Evans: She and jesse ramirez got engaged. Max: Wait. W-what? And you're ok with this? Mrs Evans: Oh...Doesn't much matter what I think. But, max, isabel values your opinion. Will you talk to her? Max: Ok. Mrs Evans: ?Do you need anything? Max: No, mom. Mrs Evans: I just wanted to hear your voice. I love you so much, max. Max: Me, too. Bye. Kal: How's mommy? Max: Why did you give me your phone? Kal: I'm huge. I can get another one. Max: Langley, stop. Look at me. Do you like ice cream? Kal: I'm on the zone. Max: Would you like to get me some? Kal: No. Max: angley, get me some ice cream. You see, i've been thinking about this. You didn't give me the phone because you felt sorry for me. You did it because i told you to. when i give a direct order you have to follow it, don't you? Kal: Yes. Max: I wish i knew these rules a little sooner, Kal. We could've saved some time. Max: You and i are gonna find that ship. [Max and Kal arrive at the air force base] Max: Let me hear the plan again. Kal: I will meet with general chambers, the military consultant i've used on many Kal Langley productions. I will find out where he ship is being stored and wet permission to examine it . Max: Because... Kal: Because I am striving for authenticity on my new picture, ...Saturn skies. Max: Be real casual. Play it like it doesn't matter whether or not he gives what you're asking for because if you get too eager, he might get suspicious. Kal: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you giving me direction? I'm sorry, but how many academy awards have you won, huh? 'Cause i've won 4. [Kal meets with the general] Kal: Aaaah! General: Kal, you old dog, how are ya? Kal: Eddie! General: You hollywood boys. Who's the kid? Kal: Him? Nah, he's... Just an intern. Wait here. [Isabel and Michael are talking] IS Michael: we're not doing this here. Isabel: When you get together with maria, nobody stood in your way, and max can clearly do whatever the hell he wants. I am the only one who seems to have to follow the rules. Michael: I'm not changing my opinion. This marriage is wrong. Isabel: Wrong for who? Ok, maybe this doesn't seem rational to you but it doesn't have to. I am crazy about this guy. God, michael, all I am asking for is a normal life. Michael: And why doesn't jesse deserve the same thing? Everybody that we come into contact with is at risk. Only in his case, if and when the trouble starts, he won't even know what's coming. That kind of sucks. Wedding Planner: Isabel! Oh, I'm so glad to run into you. Isabel: One second... Michael: If you really loved him, you wouldn't be this selfish. Wedding Planner: Look at this. I just discovered a new horse-drawn carriage company. How about the fantastic gold tassels on his harness? Isabel: Horses, um... I am actually the only girl who never liked them. We're gonna be taking a car to and from the reception. Wedding Planner: Honey, do me a favor, just take this home and show it to your mom. you know, the more i think about it, the happier I am you turned down that april date at Emden pond. Isabel: What? Wedding Planner: Yeah, your mother was right, it's just too nippy that time of year. Isabel: You talked to my mother? Wedding Planner: When the date opened up, I called her right away. [Cell phone rings] [sighs] Isabel: excuse me. hello? Max: So you think you're getting married? Isabel: H-how did you-- how did you find that out? Max: Mom tracked me down. Isabel, you've only known this guy for a month. Isabel: 4 months, and don't call him "this guy." Max: Either way, I don't see the urgency. Isabel: gonna have this conversation with you on the phone. Max: Look, just don't make any more plans until I get back. Isabel: Stop it. I am not a child. Max: Yeah, well, you're acting like one. Isabel: Yeah, well, you, too. Wedding Planner: Uh, well, uh, you... Have a good one, ok? [Kal and the general are talking in the General's office] General: (on the phone) Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. General: >Kal, i wish I could help you, but the boys at the pentagon say it's a no-go. Kal: Ed, come on. It's not like we're talking national security. Everybody knows this ship's a hoax. General: Well, of course it's a hoax. I just think that after pearl harbor they're being a little bit more choosy. You understand. Kal: But between you and me, the ship is on the base. Am i right? General: Sorry, kal. I can't help you. [Kal leaves, and is confronted by Max] Max: >Where are they holding it? Kal: >He wouldn't say. Max: >Well, someone else has to know. Who can you call? Kal: They won't help us. Max: You're not telling me something. Kal: You've lost it, kid. Max: Tell me what you know, kal. Kal: The ship is here. Max: Take me to it. [Mrs. Evans is folding clothes as Isabel walks in] Mrs Evans: Hi, honey. How was class? Isabel: You told max? That was my news to tell him. Where did you even find his number? Mrs Evans: In your address book. Isabel: oh, my god. Mrs Evans: Isabel, let me explain. Isabel: Don't. Please don't try to defend yourself. I ran into Windy today and she told me that a spot opened up at Emden pond, which I specifically said that I wanted, and you told her no. And then you go and tell Max, knowing full well that he won't approve. God, mom, you're acting like you don't want his wedding to happen. Mrs Evans: Maybe I don't. I thought if i could just slow things down that maybe you'd come to your senses. Isabel: Why? Mrs Evans: Because you're making a mistake, Isabel. Isabel: A mistake?! I love him. Mrs Evans: Then date him. Get to know him. You don't have to marry him, Isabel. Not like this. Not in 6 months. For god's sake, isabel. Isabel: I have been a good daughter. I have always, always made responsible decisions. Why would you think that now i'm not? Mrs Evans: It hasn't even been a year since alex you graduated from high school without a firm plan for your future. I mean, your brother-- look what's happening with Max. We don't know. Your whole world has been torn apart. It only makes sense that you would grab ahold of the first sab thing that came along. Isabel: No! That is not what he is to me. Mrs Evans: He's not right for you. Isabel: Why?! Because he's latino? Mrs Evans: >Of course not! Isabel: Then i don't understand why you don't want this to happen. I don't see any other reason for it! Mrs Evans: Isabel, if you rush into this yo 're gonna wake up someday, sweetheart, and you are gonna be a bitter, live-at-home 20-year-old divorcee. Is that what you want? Isabel: Thanks for your support, mom. [Max and Kyle are looking for the ship on the base] Kal: It's in there. Max: You can see through metal? Kal: No. It's the only building big enough to hold the ship. [Max and Kal open the doors to find the ship] Kal: Well, you got what you wanted. I'm leaving. Oh, I forgot to mention... You'll need the key. Max: Oh, I forgot to mention I have it. You can't leave. You're my pilot. Kal: i'll have to shapeshift to operate the controls. Max: My son needs me. Kal: You're asking me to throw away everything i've ever worked for. Max: You'll never be human, langley. Kal: You don't want to go back there. This is such a better place. Max: I'm gonna find my son and then we're coming back. It won't be that easy. Max: How do we get this ship out of here? Max: Tell me how we do this! Kal: First, you have to open up the hangar door, but not until i get the ship airborne. Too soon, the alarm'll go off and all hell will break loose. Max: And then what? Kal: I lower the entry beam and you step in and we're out of here. Please. Listen to your human side. I don't want to go. Max: shapeshift. Fly the ship. [Kal Shapeshifts, and enters the ship] [Liz shows up to talk to Maria with a box of Max's stuff] Liz: I brought your cd back. Maria: Good. Liz: Sure. There you go. How about these peanut butter pretzels? I know that you really like those. Here. Just take them. The past 3 simpsons on tape. Really funny episodes. And why don't you take these stupid cookies that I made. And this really ugly, stupid picture of myself. Why don't you just take it all, maria? Maria: Are we breaking up? No call? Liz: Nothing. And I was totally panicked unti\| I talked to isabel on the phone and she told me that max called her this afternoon. Maria: Come here. I feel your pain, girlfriend. And you know what? Whenever this happens to me, there's only one thing I can do, and that is take it out on michael. Let's go to his apartment right now. Liz: You know that I have been with him through all of this. All of it. Any time that he needs anything, I'm there. Right? And he can't even pick up the phone. Maria: Well, this phone that you speak of, it's a revolutionary concept, yes, but it does work both ways. Liz: I know. [Back on the base, the ship begins to Rise - Max's cell phone rings. Liz's name shows up, and Max puts the phone back in his pocket. The ship crashes to the ground- alrams go off, and Langley is on the ground] Max: langley. Kal: [Weakly] too much damage from the initial crash. The generators overloaded. Mrs Evans: Hey, you. There's leftover chicken in the fridge, honey. Isabel: I didn't come to eat. I, um... I came because a spot opened up at the wedding pavilion at summerhaven park. Mrs Evans: When will your father ever learn to load this thing right? Isabel: Jesse and i are getting married there in 2 weeks. Mrs Evans: You're what? Isabel: Getting married in 2 weeks. Mrs Evans: Because you're mad at me. Isabel: No. Mrs Evans: Yes, you are, isabel. You're trying to put me in my place, aren't you? You and I have been playing this game for years. Isabel: No. This isn't about you. I came because I love you and I would very much like it if you would be a part of what is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Mrs Evans: I'm sorry, but I can't do that. [Knock on door] Mrs Evans: michael. Michael: Mrs. Evans. Come on in. Michael: Yeah, maria said that you wanted this back, so i... Oh, is this a bad time? Mrs Evans: No. No, not at all. Isabel, why don't you see if michael would like something to drink? Michael: No, I'm fine. Thanks. Mrs Evans: Isabel? Isabel: Excuse me. [Back at Kal's mansion, Max helps him out of the car] Max: Langley. Kal: I destroyed my life for you tonight, all for nothing. Because of you, everything i've worked for is gone. Max: Kal. Kal: It's how you've always been, your majesty: Selfish and ungrateful. Being your protector might be encoded in my genes, but after tonight... I'll never stop hating you. Max: kal. You were right. I slept with the enemy, then sent my own child back with her. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I have to live with it every single day. It's my fault. I shouldn't have dragged you into this. But I didn't have anything to-- I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. Kal: Think of all the loved ones you almost left behind. Your sister... Girlfriend... Your mother, who feels like she's already lost you. Max: How do you know about them? Kal: It's my job. Go home, max. Don't come back. Word of advice... The more you embrace our alien side... The more you're gonna lose. [Isabel is walking in the park, using her powers to knock out street lights- Michael comes up on his motorcycle] Michael: That's city property. What's going on with your mom? Isabel: I'm getting married in 2 weeks and she told me she wanted nothing to do with the wedding. I'm all alone in this, michael. Do you have any idea how that feels? Max found out the other day. You can imagine what his reaction was. That's why i wanted-- I just--I needed you to congratulate me the other night. You know, can you be on my side just this once? Michael: Isabel, you don't care what i think. Isabel: How can you say that? Michael: Because if you did, then you wouldn't have had maria break the news. Isabel: I'm sorry. That was stupid. I just--I was afraid that you would freak out and I didn't think that i could handle it, so... I'm sorry. I know that you're worried about jesse, but I'm gonna keep him safe. Michael: I hope you can. Isabel: Michael, your opinion means as much to me as max's. You're like a brother to me, too. Isabel: The point is to just kind of... Michael: So in 2 weeks... Isabel: Less than, actually. Michael: Congratulations, isabel. Isabel: Thank you. [Scene switches to Liz sweeping the floor-- Max knocks and comes in] Liz: Hi. Max: Hi. Liz: When did you get back? Max: Just now. Liz: You didn't call. Max: I was driving all night. I-- I just had to get back to see you. I-I'm sorry. Liz: You can't do this, max. I love you, but... You know, lately, I just haven't been feeling it back. Max: I didn't mean to... Liz: But you did. Max: liz, i know you've been here, alone, waiting for me, and... And I've... It was wrong. I-- Liz: no! Max. what, max? What happened? Max: I failed. And my son... He's up there somewhere. I've just messed everything up. Langley's life. Yours. I'm so sorry, liz. I'm so sorry. Liz: It's ok. It's ok. [Sobs] Max: I'll never leave you, liz.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x05 - Control"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "To Have and to Hold" Episode: 6 49th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA06 Written by: Ronald D. Moore Directed by: Frederick King Keller Original Air Date: November 13, 2001 [3 days, 6 hours and 24 mins till wedding] [Alarm ringing] [alarm stops] [wedding music playing] [sighs] [gasps] ISABEL: I gotta go. [Isabel arrives at the Crashdown] MARIA: Good morning. ISABEL: Don't you open at 6:30? It's 6:42. I'm gonna need a poppy-seed bagel, cream cheese, Tabasco, and a lot of coffee. Oh, my god, where is that phone number? [Beeping] ISABEL: yeah, hi. Is this zippy print in Dallas? My name is Isabel Evans. I ordered 150 wedding place cards last week. Right. Well, they were supposed to be overnighted to me yesterday. So where are they? Look, buddy, your labor problems are not my labor problems. What's your name? All right, Ed, I'd like to speak to your manager. [Crickets chirping- it is now nighttime and the Crashdown is closing] MARIA: good night. ISABEL: Well, I ordered the floral arrangements 3 days ago. I still need them here by Friday. No, I don't want a refund, I want them here on time or else. Trust me, you don't want to know what that means. Flowers. Friday. Or else. [Beep] LIZ: more pie? ISABEL: No. Liz, thank you. I'm sorry for being such a bitch today. LIZ: No, just don't even worry about it. I don't even know what I would be like 3 days before my wedding. MARIA: How 'bout me? Imagine the stress involved getting married to Michael? [Liz laughs] [sighs] LIZ: well, I mean, are you? Are you nervous at all? Not about the wedding, but about, you know, getting married? It's for the rest of your life. ISABEL: Honestly, no. [Sighs] MARIA: You're that sure? ISABEL: I guess I am. MARIA: Hmm. I really respect that. [Chuckles] ISABEL: thanks. MARIA: I mean, here I am, totally in love with this amazing guy, but to marry him? Please! LIZ: Oh, god, I know. Could you imagine? What if I had to marry Max? [Liz and Maria's voices fade away. Isabel sees herself standing near giant windows with curtains billowing in the wind. A man walks up to her, and they kiss. She wakes up suddenly] LIZ: are you ok? ISABEL: Yeah, I'M...Fine. I'm fine. [Kyle is working on a tour bus at the garage] [Power tool buzzing] KARTER: well? Well? Well? Come on, I need an answer. KYLE: I'm still looking! KARTER: Not talking to you. Hello? I I'm talking to you, Phil. Make sure the same time slots are gonna be open for us Saturday. Yeah, well, you'll find out. Ok, so what's the deal? Ok? Hello, I'm talking to you now, Gomer. What's wrong with the bus? KYLE: Well, Mr. Karter- KARTER: no, no, no. No mister, no last name, no first name, just Karter with a "k". KYLE: Ok, look, I don't know what the problem is yet, so why don't you and the band go get a little cup of coffee and come back in an hour or two? KARTER: Great, we're stuck for 2 hours in some rat hole called Ruston, New Mexico. KYLE: Roswell. KARTER: Not talking to you. Let kzab know we have to re-book the interview. Yeah--wait, who am I talking to? [Isabel comes up to talk to Kyle] ISABEL: Hey, you got a minute? [Sighs] KYLE: I got all the time you need ISABEL: I don't know. It was just the strangest dream, right. It was like it was me, but it wasn't me. [Kyle hands Isabel a cup of coffee] Ooh, thanks. Like I was saying and doing things I had no control over, like it wasn't me, but... It was me. KYLE: Yeah, you know, they say you should write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. ISABEL: I don't know. The whole thing just felt really, um... Dangerous. But I was thrilled by it, by this man, this familiar man. It was pretty erotic. I mean... Don't tell anyone... But when I woke up in the Crashdown, I was so disappointed, I literally had to take a cold shower. KYLE: That's quite a visual. ISABEL: Shut up. KYLE: Look, don't let it get you, don't--I mean, don't you really think this is a case of the pre-wedding jitters infecting your dream life? ISABEL: Jitters? Surely you jest. KYLE: No, and don't call me Shirley. ISABEL: Shirley. [Cell phone rings] ISABEL: we are spending way too much time together. [Rings] ISABEL: come on. Hello? What?! Are you out of your mind? KYLE: No jitters there. ISABEL: Oh, thanks, Kyle. ISABEL: No, no, that's not gonna work. No, I'm not changing the date, it's not an option. KYLE: God, I hate cell phones. ISABEL: I don't understand. How do you run a business this way? You take an order, you take my payment- [Mr and Mrs Evans are walking down the street] Mrs. Evans: Isabel. ISABEL: Hi. Mr. Evans: : How--ahem. How are you? ISABEL: Fine. Mrs. Evans: Honey, wait. I know that you're hurt and you're angry, and we understand, but- Mr. Evans: but you need to understand the reason we're not coming isn't because we don't love you. Mrs. Evans: Of course not... Mrs. Evans: But we can't support this. It's- [Isabel turns her back on her parents and walks off] ISABEL: you listen to me. This is my wedding and no one will screw it up! No one! [Isabel and Max are talking in the park] ISABEL: So how was Los Angeles? MAX: Not quite what I expected. How's, uh... How are you? ISABEL: Under a lot of pressure. 2 days and counting, you know. MAX: Yeah. ISABEL: Just say it, Max. You don't want me to marry Jesse. It's ok. Believe me, people aren't exactly jumping for joy when they hear the news. MAX: Everyone's just a little concerned. It's not that we don't like Jesse. ISABEL: It's that you don't know Jesse, it's how sudden this is, ISABEL: it's that you don't want me to make a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life. I know. I have heard it all. MAX: Don't you think there's a reason that everyone keeps telling you the same thing... Like maybe we're right? ISABEL: Or maybe you could trust me. I would like to believe that my family would a find a way to be there for me. MAX: You know we will. ISABEL: No, I don't. Mom and dad aren't coming to my wedding. My parents aren't coming to my wedding. I can say it, but I can't quite make myself believe it. MAX: I'm sorry, I didn't know. ISABEL: It doesn't matter, ok? All that matters is that I know that Jesse is the one. [Jesse walks up to Max and Isabel] JESSE: Hey! MAX: What's this? ISABEL: Oh, this is a set-up. JESSE: Hello, Max. MAX: Hey. JESSE: Hi. What's up? ISABEL: Well, I thought I'd let you ask, dear. Tradition. JESSE: Right. Ahem. I, uh, I know we don't know each other too well yet... But since we're going to be family, I thought that... Actually, Isabel and I thought that maybe we could start things off on the right foot by asking you if you, um, you'd consider being my best man. MAX: Your...Best man? ISABEL: Yeah, well, what do you say, Max? MAX: Ok. Yeah, yeah, I'd--I'd be honored. ISABEL: Ohh, great! [Max and Michael are talking] MAX: First we need a sample of his blood, make sure he's not an alien. MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, that'll be easy. MAX: Then we check into his background, talk to his family, his friends, try and find out everything we can about this guy. We can't let Isabel know. She already feels abandoned by most of her family. If she knows that I'm not into this... MICHAEL: Max, you're not into this. MAX: I know. I know, but... Now that I stupidly agreed to be best man, I can't let her know that. Not until I have something solid on Jesse. [Scene switches back to Isabel and Jessee talking] JESSE: Magruder called this afternoon, and he said there's still a chance we can rent the lodge for the reception, but he can't commit until the elks officially cancel. ISABEL: Jesse, are you sure about this? No cold feet or last minute butterflies? JESSE: Yeah, I'm sure. I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything in my life. ISABEL: Ok, good. JESSE: Are you sure? ISABEL: Oh, I'm sure. Nothing is stopping this wedding. Nothing. [Breathes deeply] ISABEL: now I gotta go meet the new photographer. Bye. JESSE: Hey, wait a minute. Something's wrong, I can tell. ISABEL: No, it's just... Last minute wedding stuff, that's all. JESSE: Well, don't stay up all night worrying about it. ISABEL: Don't worry, I won't. [Isabel goes to bed, and has a dream about the man she saw earlier in her vision] ISABEL: Do you approve? KIVAR: : Do you need my approval? ISABEL: No. KIVAR: Does your husband like this face? ISABEL: He's not my husband. KIVAR: You won't marry him. ISABEL: You can't stop me. KIVAR: You'll stop yourself. You will always be mine. [Next morning at the Crashdown-1 day 5 hours till the wedding] MARIA: Good morning. [Maria is surprised that Isabel isn't there] [Isabel is sitting on her bed looking at drawings she has made, when Maria knocks]. ISABEL: Hi. MARIA: Hi. MARIA: Is everything ok? ISABEL: Yeah, fine. MARIA: Uh, Liz and I were a little worried when you didn't show up, so when I got a break, I thought I'd just pop on over and see how the wedding's going. ISABEL: Oh, my god, what time is it? What day is this? MARIA: It's Saturday, 11:30. ISABEL: God, oh, my god, Maria, I'm really late. Um, I was supposed to be at the pavilion an hour ago to, um, to meet with a florist, and--and I've gotta pick up your bridesmaid dresses right now. Right now I have to do that. I was supposed to do that a really long time ago. Actually, if I had had more time, and I actually have to, um, [voice rises] drop off the check at the lodge... Or they're gonna give my space away to someone else. Jeez, MARIA: no, no, it's ok. ISABEL: Oh, my god, I'm gonna- MARIA: sit down, sit down, don't worry about it. Just--just don't worry, there's no problem. Everything's gonna be fine, I promise you. I promise you, I'm gonna help you, ok? ISABEL: You're gonna help me? MARIA: Mm-hmm. ISABEL: Thank you. Thank you, Maria. Ok, ok... You can start with, um... Um...You know what, you just start with everything. I gotta go. MARIA: Wait, you're gonna go? ISABEL: Yeah, I gotta run. Um, thank you so much, so much, Maria. [Liz and Maria are working on the wedding plans] LIZ: this is so not like Isabel. Something's gotta be wrong. MARIA: No argument, but you know what? The wedding is tomorrow, and what I've been able to gather by just glancing at everything is that there's like a million things that should've been done yesterday, so here's what I'm thinking. We should just jump into this right now with both feet and take control of the situation- LIZ: or we could sit back and let it all fall apart. MARIA: Exactly. LIZ: So what's the most pressing emergency? MARIA: Uh, my dress, your dress, and her dress in that order. LIZ: My dress and your dress. MARIA: Let me just show you what she picked out for us. [Liz has a look of shock on her face when she sees the picture] [Max and Jesse are trying on tuxedos, and Michael is hanging around] [Gasps] JESSE: no, I don't think I can do this shawl collar. Let's try the double-breasted. MICHAEL: Hey, Jesse. JESSE: Hey. MICHAEL: Uh, congratulations. All the best. I mean, you're really getting a great girl. JESSE: Thanks, um... Michael. We met in- MICHAEL: Utah, right. JESSE: Exactly. I'm bad with names. MICHAEL: Oh, no, don't sweat that. So 25 hours and counting... You've gotta be getting nervous. JESSE: Oh, you know it. MICHAEL: Oh, that's sharp right there. JESSE: Thanks. MICHAEL: Um, so Max tells me that you're a local boy. JESSE: Yeah, born and raised. MICHAEL: And then you went to Harvard. JESSE: Yeah. First I did my undergraduate work at Cornell. MAX: That's in, uh, upstate New York, right? Why so far away? JESSE: A couple reasons. Scholarship was one. Mostly just wanted to get out of New Mexico. MICHAEL: Yeah, I can relate. Family problems, right? JESSE: No, no, nothing like that. Uh, this restless feeling, you know? Just an overwhelming desire to see something outside my window besides the desert. MICHAEL: Yeah, I know that feeling. I'm dying to get out of this place. Tell me about Cornell. What was it like? JESSE: Oh, it was beautiful. Sits up on this hill overlooking lake Cayuga. There's a lot of great hiking trails, the woods are gorgeous. [Time has passed and Michael and Max are still grilling Jesse] JESSE: Anyway, I didn't make the law review, so I knew I wouldn't be clerking for anyone on the supreme court. MICHAEL: No, of course not. MAX: Wait, can we go back for a minute? You said you changed apartments between your second and third year at Harvard. Why'd you move? JESSE: Heh heh heh! What, are you guys interrogating me or something? MAX: No! MICHAEL: No, no, no! MAX: Just curious. You know, small town boys eager to hear about the outside world. MICHAEL: Wow, that's sharp. MAX: I mean, you've been a lot of other places that we really haven't, so... JESSE: Right. No, it's true, I understand. MAX: Roswell is Roswell. JESSE: Yeah, you can say that again. [Michael slips a pin into the sleeve of the jacket] MICHAEL: Here, here. Try this on. JESSE: Ouch! MAX: You ok? JESSE: There's still a pin in there. MICHAEL: Oh, I'm sorry about that. MAX: Still a pin in the jacket. [Michael hands Jesses a handerkecheif- he gets it back with a blood spot on it, and folds it up and pockets it] MICHAEL: Oh, Max, we gotta go because we gotta do that thing we gotta do. MAX: Yeah, yeah, sorry. MICHAEL: Yeah, it was nice talking to you. JESSE: Yeah, you, too. MICHAEL: Good luck. JESSE: Thanks. All right, Max. Thanks, guys. [Michael is looking at the blood under a microscope while talking to Max on the phone] MICHAEL: We've got bad news, Maxwell. Jesse Ramirez is... Ta-da! Human. Yeah, nice red blood cells. Not a green one in the bunch. [Knock on door] MICHAEL: I gotta go. [Repeated knocking] MICHAEL: all right, I'm coming, I'm coming! [Michael opens the door to find a nervous Isabel] ISABEL: Michael, I'm in trouble. We may all be in trouble. There's an alien out there somewhere and he's after me. MICHAEL: you know, it might just be a dream, Isabel. You're under a lot of pressure, a lot of anxiety. And what's so strange about dreaming about an alien? ISABEL: No, this is an alien who--who knows me, who's... Intimate with me, I mean--I mean, what if it's--god! MICHAEL: Who? ISABEL: Kivar. What if it's Kivar? MICHAEL: So what if it is? It's probably still just a dream. Yeah, ok. Think about it for a second. Who's Kivar? He's a man you had an affair with- ISABEL: no, that wasn't me. That was that other person. That was you on another planet, ok? And how did this illicit affair turn out? It got us all klled. ISABEL: This isn't helping. MICHAEL: Because you're not listening. Don't see what's going on? It's just a dream, Isabel. Your subconscious mind is screwing with you. I mean, you know guilt? You feel guilty about what you did back then. ISABEL: I don't even know what I did back then for sure. I mean, all I really know is that I betrayed you and Max and my whole family for this-- this Kivar. Oh, god, why? What is wrong with me? I mean... Who does something like that? What if I betray Jesse the way I betrayed all of you? MICHAEL: Hey, no, sit down. None of us know what happened in that life. All we know for certain is who are in this life. And in this life, you're Isabel, and Isabel isn't the kind of person who's gonna betray her husband. ISABEL: What if they're not just dreams? What if Kivar is really trying to contact me? MICHAEL: So what? Kivar isn't here. He's up there somewhere on a different planet. If he's trying to contact you, then we'll deal with it. ISABEL: Ok. Yeah, ok. MICHAEL: Good. ISABEL: MICHAEL: What is this? MICHAEL: Uh, school project. ISABEL: Huh. Whose blood is this? Is this Jesse's blood? Are you testing his blood now? MICHAEL: And he passed! Because I knew he would pass. I told Max- ISABEL: Max is in on this? [Maria opens the door and rushes in] MARIA: Oh, thank god you're here! Oh...Ok... Um, here's the situation. Uh, there's a slight kink in the plans. Your... Your dress is in Florida. ISABEL: What? What?! Oh, God. [Scene switches to the Evans' house- Philip and Diane enter laughing- Max is standing there with shoes in his hand] MAX: hi. Mrs. Evans: What are you doing here, Max? MAX: I, uh, I needed... For the wedding. Mr. Evans: So you're going? MAX: Yeah, it's--it's kind of complicated, but I'm the-- the best man. Mrs. Evans: Really? I thought you didn't approve. MAX: Well, not entirely, but, you know, family. Mrs. Evans: So...How is your sister? I mean, she must be getting nervous. Mr. Evans: Knowing Isabel, I'm sure she's got everything completely wired right down to the number of petals on the roses. MAX: Well, actually, she's been having kind of a tough time. Mr. Evans: Oh? Yeah, the, uh, dressmaker lost her wedding dress, so... Ha... MAX: So you're still not going to the wedding. Mrs. Evans: She's making the biggest mistake of her life, Max. I can't stand there with a smile on my face and pretend to be happy about it. MAX: You don't, you'll lose her. You and I... We're having problems, and...I don't know what to do about that right now, but I hope that eventually we'll work it out. But you miss your own daughter's wedding, and I don't think you'll ever work that out. [Mr Parker walks into the kitchen of the crashdown] Mr. Parker: Liz, what the hell is going on? I just got a call from the bakery about a wedding cake. Liz: Uh, yeah, I'm catering Isabel's wedding. Mr. Parker: I'm not laughing. Liz: I'm not joking. Mr. Parker: First of all, this is not a charity. This is a business. LIZ: It's being paid for. Mr. Parker: And second of all, I'm not stupid. I know Max is gonna be in this wedding, and if you think you've found some sort of loophole to be around him, well, it's not gonna work. LIZ: I'm helping out a friend. You see, my parents, they taught me that friends help each other. So unless you plan on having me put away in handcuffs, I'm gonna behave like the person I was raised to be. Now excuse me. [Jim is trying to convince Maria to hire the Kit Shcikers for the reception] JIM: Come on, you're gonna need a band at the reception. MARIA: Not a country western band. JIM: Maria, we need the exposure. MARIA: You know, you can play the bachelor party, how's that? [Kyle walks in] JIM: hey, Kyle! Tell her how good we are. KYLE: I'm not your publicist. [Isabel rushes in and comes up to Jim] ISABEL: I need to talk to you. Um, I want you to do something for me at the wedding, during the ceremony actually. JIM: It's not an usher, is it? I look so bad in those monkey suits. I mean, I'm touched and all but- ISABEL: no, I--i want you to give me away. JIM: You mean... ISABEL: Walk me down the aisle. My, um, my parents aren't going, and since I sort of think of you as a father figure I thought... What do you say? JIM: Yes. Yes, it would be an honor. ISABEL: Thank you. [Karter comes over to Kyle's booth] KYLE: Have a seat. KARTER: I get it. KYLE: I don't know what you're talking about. KARTER: I get it, ok? The whole stuck in Mayberry until we're nice to Gomer routine. Sorry I hurt your poor little feelings. Now how much will it take to get you to fix the bus so the band can get back on the road and make the air dates I keep booking- MARIA: wait a minute, you manage a band? KARTER: No, Alice, I'm the program director of 7, count them, 7 radio stations spread across the southwestern united states. MARIA: What band? KARTER: Ivy. MARIA: Ivy? Here? KARTER: Unfortunately. MARIA: Let's talk. [ [Scene switches to the bachelor party] [Kit Shickers performing] JIM: I was 5 foot 3 when I seen that little girl... MAX: So what happened after the two of you passed the bar exam? MAN: We kind of went our separate ways. I didn't really see him again until probably a year ago. MAX: What was he doing then? MAN 2: He was in private practice working for a big-time corporate law firm. MAN 2: You boys don't play much 9-ball out here, do you? KYLE: Not like you Harvard guys. MAN 2: Ooh, it's like a nightmare, isn't it? Just keeps getting worse and worse. And that's the game. That's 20 big ones, my friend. JIM: You came back here to break hearts you'd better start with mine... MAN: Listen, I'd love to sit here and answer your questions all night, but I'm married, this is a bachelor party, and time is a-wasting. Whoa! Excuse me. MICHAEL: Max, it's time to let it go. You're not gonna find anything on that guy because there's nothing to find. KYLE: My alien friend, there's someone I'd like you to meet. MAX: Hey, I'm Max Evans, I'm the best man. So tell me, how long have you known Jesse? [Isabel is sleeping and dreaming about Kivar again] KIVAR: You will always be mine. ISABEL: I marry him tomorrow. KIVAR: It means nothing. ISABEL: No, it means I'm finished with you. Good-bye, Kivar. [Back at the party] JIM: I'm a t-shirt man in a button-down world i like an uptown leg on a downtown girl... MAN 3: Yeah, we talked on the phone all the time. Well, I mean, except when he was doing that FBI thing. MAX: Fbi? MAN 3: I don't know what he did, man. He wouldn't talk about it. Said it was classified, national security, that kind of stuff. JIM: You're never gonna catch me working 9 t0 5... MAN 1: Man: I can't believe you sunk the 9 ball again. Double or nothing. MICHAEL: You read my mind. JIM: I never was good at playing the game all you can lose drive a man insane swing you high like a ball on a chain... JESSE: You interrogating my friends? MAX: Just asking questions. KYLE: It's like a nightmare, isn't it? JESSE: Oh, so that's what that was all about in the tuxedo shop, too, wasn't it? You and your friend trying to build some kind dossier on me? MAX: Dossier? That's an interesting word for someone who used to work for the FBI. JESSE: What? What are you talking about? I never worked for the FBI. MAX: Louis said you had a mysterious classified job at the FBI. JESSE: Ha ha ha! Louis is an idiot. I did an internship at the DEA. For a semester, and yeah, some of it was classified. What the hell business is it of yours anyway? What, are you looking for some dirt on me, some excuse to get Isabel to call off the wedding? MAX: That's not it. JESSE: The hell it isn't. Hey, hey, hey, come on, guys, come on. MAN 1: Nobody makes shts like that. It's a statistical impossibility. MICHAEL: How would you know? MAN 1: I'm a statistician. KYLE: Ooh! Whatever. Just give him his money back, man. JESSE: Ritchie, what's going on? MAN 1: These red neck jerk-offs are trying to hustle us. KYLE: What did you just call us? MAN 1: Oh, didn't you hear? I said you're a red neck jerk-off! MAX: Hey! Hey! JESSE: Back off! Ow! [A fight breaks out and Max punches Jesse] [After the party, Max is talking to Isabel] ISABEL: You broke his nose?! MAX: I didn't mean to. It just...Happened. ISABEL: Oh, it just happened. You just happened to be swinging your fist in the air, and he just happened to step in front it! MAX: Look, I am sorry. It was a party. People were drinking too much, I-- things got out of control. ISABEL: Oh! Like your investigation. Is that one of those things that got a little out of control? MAX: I can explain- ISABEL: don't bother. I understand perfectly. You don't trust me. MAX: It's not about trust. ISABEL: It is all about trust, Max. God, do you really think that I would marry someone that I don't even know? Someone who might be secretly working for the FBI or even--ohh! An alien? Don't you think I have walked through his dreams a few times, and that maybe I checked on his alien status a long time ago? God, Max! The irony here is that I trusted you. I trusted you to stand up at my wedding when my whole family bailed. I trusted you to be there for me... And you weren't. [Maria and Liz are helping Isabel get ready] MARIA: I know it's not exactly what you wanted, but... LIZ: We searched every store in Roswell, really. ISABEL: No, it's fine, and thank you. Thank you both so much for everything you've already done., And it'll be really... Really fine. [Door opens] Mrs. Evans: It's lovely. I mean, really it is, but I just thought that maybe as an option. This was my wedding dress, girls, and my mother wore it before I did, and I'd be honored- ISABEL: I love you, mom. Mrs. Evans: I mean, I don't know if we could possibly get it altered in time. ISABEL: Oh, no, I will find a way. Mrs. Evans: Good. [Jesse is getting ready also-Knock on door] Mrs. Delgado: guess who's here? MAX: Hey. Mrs. Evans: Can I leave you two alone, or do I have to referee? JESSE: Thanks, mom. MAX: I picked up a steak on the way over. JESSE: That's an old wives' tale, Max. MAX: Look, I just-- I wanted to say that-- forget about it. No, really, I-- I was way out of line interrogating your friends. I mean... Isabel's obviously in love with you, and you obviously make her happy, and...I don't know, I couldn't accept that. JESSE: You probably know this from all of your, uh, "research," but my father died when I was 13. What you probably don't know is that it was 4 years before my mother ever saw another man, and I couldn't take it, not even then. I hated them. MAX: You didn't want anyone replacing your father. JESSE: Partially, yeah. But even more than that it was... They weren't good enough for my mother. No one, to tell you the truth, could ever be good enough for my mother. So I understand. No one's ever going to be good enough for Isabel. MAX: I'll get over it. JESSE: Maybe. I never did. But we gotta put it behind us, all right? Because even if we're not going to be friends, we are going to be family. So you gonna eat that steak or what? MAX: Uh... Um, just hold it there. It just takes a second. [Max puts the steak on Jesse's nose- he uses his powers to heal him] MAX: Uh... I don't know, take a look. JESSE: Yeah. MAX: Well, look at that. [Wedding march playing- Jim is holding Isabel's arm getting ready to walk her down the aisle] ISABEL: this is it. Are you ready? JIM: I don't think so. [Mr Evan's walks up and puts out his arm] Mr. Evans: May I? [Isabel and her father walk down the aisle- the wedding starts] ISABEL: I, Isabel Amanda, take thee, Jesse Esteban, to be my wedded husband. JESSE: I, Jesse Esteban, take thee, Isabel Amanda, to be my wedded wife. ISABEL: In sickness and in health... JESSE: In plenty and in want... ISABEL: Through joy and through sorrow... JESSE: So long as we both shall live. MINISTER: By the authority committed unto me, as a minister of the church of Jesus Christ, I now proclaim that Jesse and Isabel are husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. [Max is speaking at the reception] MAX: can we have your attention, please? Hi. I'm Max Evans. The best man. Ahem. Isabel and i, uh... Well, I'm sure you all know the story, how they found us... Little kids wandering in the desert. No one knew where we came from or where we belonged. We didn't know anything either, who our parents were, how we got there. All we had was each other. Two people took us in, gave us names, made us part of their family, something I'll always-- we'll always be grateful for. Growing up, I was always... I always felt very protective of my big sister, always tried to look out for her. I guess... What I've come to realize is that she doesn't need me anymore to protect her. She's too strong for that. So, uh... To Jesse... Welcome to the family. I think you'll find it's going to be an interesting experience. [Guests chuckle] MAX: and to Isabel... I love you. I trust you. And I wish you all the happiness in the world. To Jesse and Isabel. ALL: To Jesse and Isabel. MARIA: All right, Karter. You're on. KARTER: h*t it. [Ivy Plays while the guests dance] IVY SINGING: there's a place I dream about where the sun never goes out and the sky is deep in blue won't you take me there with you? Ooh, we can begin again shed our skin, let the sun shine in at the edge of the ocean we can start over again sha la la la la la la sha la la sha la la sha la la la la la la sha la la sha la la there's a world... Mr. Parker: There's a chafing dish in my truck. Can you get that? LIZ: Dad. Mr. Parker: Yes. LIZ: I'm gonna dance with Max. Not because it's tradition and not because I found some kind of loophole but because it's my choice. We love each other, and we are going to be together. And I love you, too. IVY SINGING: At the edge of the ocean we can start over again sha la la la la la la sha la la sha la la sha la la la la la la sha la la sha la la [Isabel is dancing with Michael- A man comes up to cut in, and Isabel starts dancing with him- it is the man from her dream] KIVAR: stay calm and keep smiling, Isabel. ISABEL: You're not here. You're not really here. KIVAR: Oh, I am here. I've come for you. ISABEL: No. I'm dreaming or sleeping or something. KIVAR: May I? To your happy day. And, uh... Many more happy days still to come. I'll see you soon. [Kivar disappears into the crowd, and Kyle walks up] KYLE: Can I, uh, dance with the bride? ISABEL: Kyle, did you see that guy who was here? KYLE: The guy you were talking to and dancing with? ISABEL: You saw him? You really saw him? KYLE: Sure. Why? Who was he? ISABEL: Someone who can't be here.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x06 - To Have & To Hold"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Interruptus" Episode: 7 50th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA07 Written by: David Simkins Directed by: Bruce Seth Green Original Air Date: November 20, 2001 [Jesse and Max are packing the trunk of the car, as Isabel and Jesse prepare to leave for the honeymoon] KYLE: Hey, guys. How's it going? Everything ok? JESSE: Yeah. Fine. KYLE: You sure? MAX: Yeah. What's up? KYLE: Nothing. Nothing. Is Isabel around? MAX: Yeah, she's, uh, upstairs changing. KYLE: Great. Sorry. LIZ: Kitchen. MICHAEL: I'm not washing all these. LIZ: Go. KYLE: Hey, what are you doing? You didn't tell them? ISABEL: No. You tell them. After I'm gone. KYLE: Hold on. Isn't this guy like an alien kller? ISABEL: Look, I get one honeymoon, all right? He's not gonna ruin it! KYLE: Isabel, I'm all for denial as A... Way of life, but you can't just run away from this one. ISABEL: Yes, i can. MICHAEL: You wanna wash or dry? KYLE: I can't believe she didn't tell you. MICHAEL: Tell me what? JESSE: All right, Mrs. Ramirez. Time to go or we are going to miss our plane. ISABEL: I know. See ya in a week! MICHAEL: Have fun. ISABEL: Bye! JESSE: Bye! Mrs Evans: We'll miss you! ISABEL: Mom, it's only a week. I'll call. Mr Evans: Have a great time! KYLE: I'm sure she will. Mrs Evans: Everything is different now. MAX: Yeah, it is. MICHAEL: What's going on? KYLE: Is she officially gone yet? MICHAEL: Yeah. MAX: I'm leaving. MICHAEL: Wait. Kyle's gonna tell us something. MICHAEL: Spit it out. KYLE: I can't believe she didn't tell you. MICHAEL: Tell us what? KYLE: About Kivar. What, did I say his name wrong? MICHAEL: What about Kivar? KYLE: He's here. MICHAEL: He's here? KYLE: She saw him. She danced with him. MICHAEL: She what? KYLE: At the reception. He looks normal. Looks like a human. MICHAEL: How does Isabel's former alien lover crash her wedding and we don't know about it? KYLE: I don't know, but he's here. [The gng is watching the tape] KYLE: No, no, that's it. Stop it. Stop it. MICHAEL: How can that be him? That's him? MARIA: Woof. I'm just saying. KYLE: So what's the deal with this guy? MICHAEL: Son of a bitch klled us. MAX: All of us. KYLE: He klled you? MAX: Yeah. We don't remember a lot. In our other life, Kivar was our enemy. He was trying to take over my throne. Isabel fell in love with him and helped him overtake us. It was a bloodbath. We were all klled, including Isabel. Our genetic material was mixed with human DNA, and then we were sent here. KYLE: Nothing's ever simple with you people, is it? LIZ: What is Kivar doing here? MICHAEL: I doubt he's on vacation. LIZ: What are you gonna do? MAX: What we have to. MICHAEL: We're going to la Jolla. [Micheael uses his power to create airline tickets] MICHAEL: First class. And we're gonna kll him. [Sighs] [Jesse and Isabel arrive at the hotel- Isabel nervously looks around and sees Kivar getting out of a cab] JESSE: You ok? ISABEL: Yeah. Yeah, I'm just tired. JESSE: Well, let's get checked in and, uh, slip into something a little more... Married? [Both laughing as Jesse carries Isabel over the threshold] JESSE: wow. Look at this. ISABEL: Oh, my god. It's so beautiful. JESSE: Oh, you're beautiful. JESSE: Hold on while I take care of the bellman. Here you go. BELLMAN: Thanks. ISABEL: Jeez! ISABEL: whoo! Yeah! JESSE: What? ISABEL: Nothing. I'm ok. JESSE: You're tired. ISABEL: I'm fine. I'm fine. JESSE: Come here. Come here. Catch our breath for a moment. We're going to be married for a long, long time ok? There's no reason to rush anything anymore. Everything's going to be fine. [Maria overhears Mr. Parker and Mr Evans as Mr Evans comes into the Crashdown] Mr Evans: Jeff. Mr Parker: Oh, hey, Philip. Congratulations. Oh, thanks. Mr Parker: Do you wanna see a menu or something? Mr Evans: Uh, no, no. Look, I feel kinda funny about this, but could I speak to you for a minute? Mr Parker: Sure. Right now? Mr Evans: Yeah. Uh...In private? Mr Parker: Yeah. Let's go in the back. [Back on the honeymoon, Isabel is sleeping as Jesse watches TV- Jesse looks at the hotel info, and sees the steam room- he enters the room, and closes his eyes. When he opens them, the man from Isabel's dreams is in the room] KIVAR: hi. [Isabel wakes up] ISABEL: Jesse, sweetheart, are you here? JESSE: (from the note laying on the bed) "Dear Mrs. Ramirez, "I didn't want to wake you. "I've gone to the spa. It's 2:30. I'll be back in an hour." [Isabel looks at the clock, and its 5:38] [Back at the Crashdown] LIZ: Well, what did they say? MARIA: I couldn't hear. They were whispering. LIZ: They were whispering? MARIA: Yeah. Something's brewing. LIZ: Well, something bad? MARIA: I don't know, but you and I, we're not included. And the way they were skulking around, it reminded me of us. LIZ: No. No. Screw that. MARIA: What are you doing? LIZ: No, don't. Back in one second. [Liz walks in the back room where her father is working on the shake machine] LIZ: That break again? Mr Parker: [Laughs] might be time for a new one. LIZ: So, um, what did Mr. Evans want? Mr Parker: Um... You know, we share the same accountant, and he's gonna raise his rates, so... We're just not sure if we wanna pay the increase. So, uh... LIZ: Oh. See, I thought that he was unhappy with the catering, but... Mr Parker: No. The catering was fine. LIZ: Good. That's really good. Mr Parker: Oh, um... Table 8. Could you get them some menus and water? LIZ: Ok. Mr Parker: Thank you. [Isabel is looking for Jesse and sees him by the pool ] ISABEL: Jesse. JESSE: Baby! Oh, I'm sorry. ISABEL: Where have you been? JESSE: I was just about to come wake you up. ISABEL: Where were you? JESSE: Uh--driving range. [Kivar walks up] KIVAR: Your husband's quite a golfer. [Jesse Isabel and Kivar are talking] JESSE: Oh I knew the moment I met her. KIVAR: Really? Jesse: Yeah. Love at first site. ISABEL: That is so sweet, honey. Maybe we should- JESSE: kevin, what about you? Is there anyone special in your life? KIVAR: As a matter of fact, there is. JESSE: Great. Maybe we could all hook up and go out for dinner one night. KIVAR: That'd be difficult, Jesse. See, she's gone. JESSE: Gone? KIVAR: She's not-- she's not dad, just... Just missing. JESSE: Oh, my god. KIVAR: Seems like I've been searching for her forever. JESSE: Wow... Kevin, I'm sorry. That's... How did it happen? ISABEL: Jesse, you know, it's private, so... KIVAR: Hey, it's all right. Really. Look, to fully understand what happened, you gotta go back to the first night we met. See, we were supposed to fall in love. Our families were enemies, we were at the palace, and it was one of those rare moments where they were trying to find peace. JESSE: The palace. KIVAR: We were by the water, and... She pleaded with me not to, but I kissed her. [Isabel remembers her dream] KIVAR: And that was it. From that point on, we were together. We would have done anything for each other, and we did. Till one bad night. One... One night I lost her. ISABEL: Well, it all sounds pretty far-fetched to me. KIVAR: But it's all true. [Back in Roswell- the doorbell rings at the Valenti house] JIM: I got it, Kyle. KYLE: Ok. JIM: Hey. What's up, Philip? Mr Evans: Hi, sheriff. Uh, Jim. Uh, listen, I feel really odd about this... JIM: About what? Mr Evans: Well, I'm not sure. I've been talking to Jeff parker, and, um... And I know this is gonna sound strange, but there's some things i need to know, and I was wondering if you could help me out. Can I come in? JIM: Sure! Yeah, I'm sorry. Come on in. Come on in. Mr Parker: Thanks. JIM: So, uh... What kinda things? Mr Parker: It's about the kids. Um... About max, actually. JIM: Something happened? Mr Evans: Something's been happening for a few years now, and I don't know what it is. I'm just trying to find out more information on my son. JIM: How can I help you? Mr Evans: Well... I used to see him all the time with this girl. She had blonde hair. I think she was staying at your house. JIM: Tess. Mr Parker: Yeah. They dated, didn't they? JIM: Yeah. I think. I mean, for a while, yeah. You know kids. Hard to keep up. Mr Parker: Yeah. Mr Parker: where is she now? JIM: She left. Mr Parker: Oh. JIM: She went back east. She's got relatives there... An aunt and uncle. Mr Parker: Do you have a way of contacting her? JIM: What, uh--why? Mr Parker: I was just gonna ask her a few questions. JIM: About max. Mr Parker: Do you have a phone number for her? JIM: Yeah, somewhere. I've got her address here. God knows where that is. Let me ask Kyle when he gets back. And, uh... We'll see if we can't track her down for you. Mr Parker: I'd appreciate that. Thanks, sheriff. JIM: Sure. Sure, no problem. ISABEL: He bugs me. JESSE: Who, Kevin? What, you think he's some freak who preys on honeymooning newlyweds? [Kivar moves his hand over a drink and it changes color] JESSE: Ok. Let's sneak out this way. KIVAR: Jesse. Here [Hand him the drink] JESSE: Oh. Thanks. KIVAR: Isabel, did you want anything? ISABEL: No. KIVAR: Look, I feel like I'm intruding. I'm gonna leave you two alone. JESSE: Well, I'm sure we'll see you later. ISABEL: We're gonna be really busy. [Laughs] JESSE: she's got a point. KIVAR: Yes, she does. Congratulations. I hope you guys have a long and happy life together. JESSE: Thanks. KIVAR: Bye. JESSE: Just us. ISABEL: Thank god! JESSE: (acting sick) Oh! Uh... ISABEL: What's wrong? JESSE: Oh, I don't think that oyster appetizer was a good idea. Oh! I'll be right back. ISABEL: Uh... Excuse me. I'm sorry. [Kivar grabs Isabel and starts dancing with her] ISABEL: What did you do to Jesse? KIVAR: He'll be fine. Just used him to steal a moment. I've been searching for you for an eternity. ISABEL: I'm not Vilandra anymore. KIVAR: Yes, you are. I can feel it. I can feel it right now. ISABEL: You got what you wanted from me. Please, just leave me alone now. KIVAR: Ditch the human toy and meet me by the water. Like when we first met. ISABEL: No. No. No. [Back at the Crashdown] LIZ: Thank you. So what did your dad say to him? KYLE: Well, he handled it for the moment, but it's true. Max's dad is investigating. MARIA: You guys, I really-- I wouldn't worry about this. Look at it from Mr. Evans' point of view. His son is practically a hardened criminal. Suddenly daughter gets married. He's trying to get a grip on his new world order. KYLE: Suppose he discovers the interstellar love triangle and the alien ht squad winging its way to honeymoon central? LIZ: No, he won't. KYLE: He might. He might. LIZ: He won't. MARIA: What's this. LIZ: I don't know. What is it? [Maria picks up a missing person flyer] MARIA: Guess what. LIZ: What? MARIA: Isabel's alien lover is a man named Denny. KYLE: He's not from Antar? LIZ: No. That's how he got here. Kivar took possession. MARIA: This guy's totally innocent. LIZ: With a wife. KYLE: And max and Michael are gonna kll him. [on the honeymoon] ISABEL: Jesse, are you coming out? [Isabel has flashbacks] JESSE: Yeah. One second. ISABEL: Oh, Jesse, hurry. [Isabel looks out the window and sees Kivar- she uses her power to melt the door knob and lock Jesse in the bathroom] JESSE: hey, Isabel! Something's wrong with the door. Can you push it or something? ISABEL: Um, it's stuck, honey. I can't even turn the handle. JESSE: How much did we pay for this hotel room? ISABEL: Jesse, sweetheart, I'm going to go and find some maintenance people and see if they can get it open. I'll be right back. JESSE: Isabel... Isabel, just use the phone. [Isabel walks up to Kivar] ISABEL: What have you done to me? KIVAR: What do you mean? ISABEL: You've taken control, used some kind of power to get me here. KIVAR: I've done nothing. You're here because it's where Vilandra wants to be. ISABEL: Vilandra is dad. She doesn't exist. KIVAR: She does. Within you. ISABEL: Vilandra betrayed my entire family. She mrder them, and I've been given a second chance, and it doesn't include you! KIVAR: Yes, it does! Just by being here. We can leave tonight. Right now. ISABEL: How? KIVAR: It's a new mode of transit, something we've been working on. It's better than a ship. Just come with me. ISABEL: No. And if you really love me, don't come back. [Kivar kisses Isabel] [Michael and Max arrive] MICHAEL: What if he's not here? What if this is some wild goose chase? MAX: Oh, he's here. He wants Isabel. Kivar's nothing if not determined. MICHAEL: Then i hope we're not-- ... [They see Isabel and Kivar kissing] MICHAEL: Too late. KIVAR: Return with me, Vilandra. ISABEL: I'm not Vilandra. KIVAR: You can be. We can leave all this behind. [Cell phone rings] MICHAEL: you ever hear of vibrate? ISABEL: Jesse. KIVAR: He doesn't matter. ISABEL: He does! He does matter. LIZ: Max, hi. You're still alive! MICHAEL: Is that Liz? MAX: I can't talk right now. LIZ: Max, did you kll him? MAX: No. I love you, but I gotta go. MARIA: Is Michael ok? KYLE: What about Isabel? LIZ: Max, don't kll him, ok? MICHAEL: Hang it up. LIZ: He's a human being. His name is Denny Ridgley, he's married, and he's a local. MARIA: Is Michael ok? MICHAEL: Max, hang it up! MAX: Yeah. Michael's. Fine. LIZ: Yes, he's fine. KYLE: Have they found isabel? MAX: Who's denny ridgely? MICHAEL: They're gone! LIZ: Max, his wife has been putting out missing persons posters all over town. MICHAEL: Come on! They're gone. LIZ: I personally think that kivar has like taken him over. It's gotta be a possession thing. Oh, my god, and one more thing. Your father, he's been going around town asking questions. MAX: About what? LIZ: About you and tess. MAX: Find out what he's after. I gotta go. MAX: Kivar's possessing some guy named denny. MICHAEL: So? MAX: So we can't kll him. MICHAEL: Yeah, who says? [Isabel returns to the room and opens the door] JESSE: What did you do? ISABEL: Nothing. JESSE: To the door? ISABEL: What-- oh! Um... The front desk. They told me that sometimes it sticks, and you have to- JESSE: were you outside? ISABEL: No. Yes. The maintenance guy was outside. So I had to find him to ask him about the door, and he said that sometimes you just have to lean into it and...And pull back. All at the same time. JESSE: Lean in and... Pull back all at the same time? Is that what you have to do? [Jesse carries Isabel to the bed] JESSE: Now, where were we? [Knock at the door] ISABEL: I'll get it. JESSE: Ignore it ISABEL: Just don't move, just JESSE: Whatever [Isabel goes to the door- some one says "Room Service"- she opens it to see Max and Michael standing there] MAX: Hi. MICHAEL: We're here to kll your boyfriend. JESSE: Who is it? ISABEL: Room service. JESSE: Did you order something? ISABEL: No. It was a mistake. JESSE: Come to bed. ISABEL: I really want a drink. JESSE: What? ISABEL: Yeah. Honey, would you be a fantastic husband and go down to the bar and get me one of those, um... Fruity, pineappley umbrella drinks? JESSE: What? Come on! ISABEL: All that running around made me thirsty. JESSE: Well, tell the room service guy. ISABEL: He's gone. JESSE: What's going on? ISABEL: I'm nervous. I need to relax. JESSE: We have champagne. ISABEL: Yeah, but I'm really in the mood for one of those- JESSE: fruity, pineappley umbrella drinks. ISABEL: Yes. Please? Thanks, honey. [Isabel hurries Jesse out the door- Max and Michael come in] ISABEL: What are you guys doing here? MICHAEL: Taking care of your problem. MAX: Why didn't you tell us before you left? ISABEL: Well, I didn't expect him to follow me here. MICHAEL: He sure as hell doesn't have the hots for us, now, does he? ISABEL: You can't kll him. MAX: We know. MICHAEL: We're going to. MICHAEL: . Kivar possessed some idiot. ISABEL: Who? MICHAEL: I don't care. It doesn't matter. He's dad. ISABEL: Look, I really think you guys should go. Because I've got this totally under control. I'm gonna get rid of him. MICHAEL: Yeah. You're gonna give him what he wants. ISABEL: What? MICHAEL: You're gonna ride his handlebars all the way back to Antar, aren't you? MAX: We saw you. MICHAEL: By the gazebo. ISABEL: Why is this happening to me? Oh, I'm married! I love Jesse! I love him! MAX: I know. ISABEL: But I love Kivar. MAX: No... No, you don't. ISABEL: Vilandra does. She wants control. She wants to go back. MAX: She's gone. ISABEL: She's not! I wish she was! I hate her! I hate what she did! But she isn't gone, max! She's still inside of me! MAX: Listen to me. Isabel! Listen. This is what we're gonna do. You are gonna stay here in this room with your husband. We're gonna find Kivar. ISABEL: No! No, max. You're not going without me. What if something goes wrong and you need me there? MICHAEL: Is this some kind of closure thing? ISABEL: Yes. Yes. I need to get over him. I need to conquer this now! MAX: All right. Ok. Ok. You stay here. We'll wait outside just in case he comes looking. If he doesn't, you leave here at dawn. Get away from Jesse. We'll be right behind you, out of sight. You find Kivar... Take him someplace secluded. We'll get Kivar out of Ridgeley somehow. ISABEL: Then what? MICHAEL: I'm gonna get a t-shirt printed up. We're gonna kll him, Isabel! MAX: He's after you now, but we're unfinished business. Do you understand? It's either him or us. Isabel. ISABEL: Yes. Ok. [Knock on door] JESSE: It's me. ISABEL: That was fast. JESSE: I'm motivated. ISABEL: Thanks, honey. Ok. Um... I'll be right there. I'll be right there. [Max and Michael sneak out as Jesse goes into the bedroom] JESSE: Are you alright? [clears throat loudly] ISABEL: just...Listen to me for a second. Don't say anything. Just... Let me get this out. I'm not who you think I am. I'm from another planet. [Chuckles] JESSE: you mean, like, men are from mars, women are from Venus? I'm from Antar. I'm an alien. [Chuckles] JESSE: sure. Ok. [Isabel uses her powers to melt a candle] JESSE: How did you do that? ISABEL: Max, Michael. JESSE: W-what is this? ISABEL: We're all aliens. Our ship crashed in Roswell over 50 years ago. It wasn't a hoax. It was a government cover-up. We're hybrids. Alien-human dna. We crawled out of our secret... Pod chamber about 12 years ago into the desert. And nobody knows. Not even our parents. MICHAEL: Some people know, like his girlfriend. MAX: And his. ISABEL: And now you. JESSE: This is some weird family practical joke, right? MICHAEL: Constantly. MAX: You know when Liz and I robbed that convenience store? We were after an alien spaceship hidden in the basement. ISABEL: See, he got this girl pregnant. She's alien, too, and now he's got this kid out there. MAX: Somewhere. And i needed a ship to track him down. MICHAEL: Out there. JESSE: You're not kidding! ISABEL: No. But, honey, look, it doesn't mean that we can't have a perfectly normal, healthy, happy marriage. JESSE: R-righ right... Right. Sure. Help! Help! Let me outta here! I gotta get outta here! Help! [Glass shatters as Jesse breaks the door- Isabel leans back- this was just her imagination] [sighs] JESSE: are you all right? What's going on? ISABEL: You know that oyster appetizer? I think you're right. It wasn't such a good idea. JESSE: Are you sick? ISABEL: I think so. JESSE: So you won't be wanting this drink, then, right? ISABEL: No. JESSE: Oh. Well, that's a shame. [Back in Roswell, Mr. Parker calls Mr. Evans as Liz eavesdrops] Mr Parker: Hi, Philip. It's Jeff. Look, I'm sorry to call you so late, but, um... [Chuckles] Mr Parker: yeah. Look, Phil, there are some things that I remember. Yeah. Where do you want to get together? Ok. Your-- your office tomorrow. Yeah. Sure. [The next morning on the honeymoon, Isabel leaves the room with Jesse asleep- he wakes up to find her gone- she walks past Max and Michael without speaking] JESSE: Isabel! Isabel? MAX: Let's go. MICHAEL: Come on. [Jesse is looking for Isabel and sees Max and Michael hiding] JESSE: Max? What the hell are you doing' here? MAX: Jesse. JESSE: I--I said, what are you doing here? MICHAEL: Vacation. JESSE: What? MAX: Yeah. Isabel did such a good job describing the place, and we had some free time, so... JESSE: Hey, look, cut the crap. What's going on? MAX: We gotta go. JESSE: Where? Where? MICHAEL: Scuba lessons. JESSE: Scuba lessons? JESSE: Where's Isabel?! MICHAEL: She's your wife. MAX: Yeah, and when you find her, say hi. We gotta go. JESSE: Yeah, w-- what's going on?! MAX: Michael. MICHAEL: On it. [Michael uses his power to pull a whellbarrow in front of Jesse] JESSE: Aaahh! [Isabel meets Kivar] [Gasps] KIVAR: have you made up your mind? ISABEL: Yes. I'm coming with you. KIVAR: Good. Let's go home. MAX: This way. MICHAEL: Wait. Wait. Get down. [Max and Michael see Kivar kissing Isabel] MICHAEL: Is that part of the plan? MAX: I don't think so. KIVAR: What's wrong? Tell me. [Isabel flashes back to the dreams] ISABEL: Max and Michael are here. They're gonna kll you. KIVAR: Where? [Isabel's eyes turn black, and flash blue- she raises her hand and uses her powers to turn the wall hiding Michael and Max into dust.] MICHAEL: Thanks, Isabel. ISABEL: Vilandra. KIVAR: Well, Zan, it's been a long time. I wondered about this moment when our paths would cross again. MAX: We are not letting you take Isabel. KIVAR: I'm not taking anyone anywhere, am I? MAX: Isabel, let go of his hand. MICHAEL: Isabel! ISABEL: Let us leave. Please. KIVAR: Don't make her kll ya again. It would feel redundant. MAX: She wouldn't. KIVAR: She did before. MICHAEL: No, she didn't. I remember something. You led Kivar into the city with his men, but he convinced you that he wanted peace. He said he wasn't gonna kll anybody, that he was there to call a truce. And once you helped him gain access, he klled all of us. You didn't kll us, Isabel. He did. He betrayed you. [Kivar raises his hand and Max and Michael go flying backwards] KIVAR: No more troubles, ok? I promise. Are you ready? ISABEL: Yes. Let's go home. [Jesse comes up as Kivar is using his power to open a portal to Antar] JESSE: Get your hands off my wife! JESSE: What is this? ISABEL: You have to go. JESSE: What's wrong with your eyes? Did he do something to you? Isabel... Tell me what happened. Please talk to me. Isabel, I love you. Please talk to me. I'm sorry, Jesse. [Isabel uses her power to pull down a tree branch which knocks Jesse out] ISABEL: If we're gonna go, we have to go now. MAX: Isabel, nooooo! ISABEL: You come back... I'll kll you myself. [Isabel pushes Kivar into the portal- Denny falls out, and Kivar is now gone] DENNY: What happened... MAX: Get him outta here. MICHAEL: You ok? Hey, whatever your name is. DENNY: I think so. Where am I? La Jolla. Come on, you need to call your wife. DENNY: How'd I get in California? MICHAEL: I don't know. Maybe you were kidnapped by aliens or something. Come on. MAX: What happened? ISABEL: He saved me. He took on Kivar all by himself, and then i... Knocked him out. MAX: What did he see? ISABEL: Everything. MAX: Well, that could be a problem. [Back in Roswell, Liz watches as her father goes to meet Mr. Evans] JESSE: Isabel? ISABEL: I'm here. I'm right here. JESSE: What happened? JESSE: W-where's that son of a bitch? Was he... ISABEL: A very dangerous man. JESSE: I--i think he drugged us... Because I got sick... Did he... ISABEL: I'm fine. What else do you remember? JESSE: We were in the room... And we danced. And he made a pass at you, right? Yeah. And then... H-how'd we get back here? ISABEL: You walked. I helped. JESSE: Before that. ISABEL: There was a fight. He ht you... And ht him back, hard. And he ran off. You rescued me. [Laughs] JESSE: wow. ISABEL: Do you remember that this is our honeymoon? JESSE: Yes. ISABEL: Do you wanna do something about that? JESSE: You mean, we haven't... ISABEL: Not yet. [Laughs] JESSE: well, what are we waiting for? JESSE: Wait. Uh-- max and Michael. ISABEL: What about them? JESSE: Are they here? ISABEL: No. Don't be ridiculous. JESSE: But I-- jesse. Honeymoon. Focus. Focus. MICHAEL: Let's go scuba diving. MAX: Are you serious? MICHAEL: When else? MAX: You gotta seize the moment, Maxwell. MAX: I've gotta get back home. MICHAEL: There'll be plenty of time for your intense brooding moments with Liz later. MAX: We were just almost obliterated by an alien k*ller. MICHAEL: Which is why we need to chill. MAX: Chill? MICHAEL: Exactly. Chill. See some stingrays. MAX: You're really serious about this. MICHAEL: Yeah. [Back in Roswell, Mr. Parker and Mr. Evans finish up their meeting] Mr Parker: So, Philip, what do you wanna do about it? Mr Evans: Keep my eyes open, and, uh... Ask you to do the same. Mr Parker: Ok. What are we looking for? Mr Evans: I don't know. I just hope I recognize it when I see it. [Liz has been hiding in the closet- she comes out, and pulls up the cork board- it is covered with notes about all of the teens and their conspiracy] [Back on the honeymoon, Isabel and Jesse are relaxing] JESSE: Wow ISABEL: Are you ok? JESSE: Yeah ISABEL: Are you sure? JESSE: I've got only 3 words for you ISABEL: yeah? JESSE: That was different	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x07 - Interruptus"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Behind the Music" Episode: 8 51st Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA08 Written by: Russel Friend & Garrett Lerner Directed by: Jonathan Frakes Original Air Date: November 27, 2001 [Max and Liz are in Mr. Evan's office looking at the conspiracy board] LIZ: You ok? MAX: I can't believe this. My whole life is up here. LIZ: Yeah. So is mine. He knows that I'm a part of this. MAX: My own father. "Tess." LIZ: he's got cards up here for everything... Los Angeles, Utah... The jeep. MAX: I got rid of it. LIZ: Yeah, because you thought you'd never need it again. MAX: I was going home. LIZ: Max, maybe you should tell your father. You know, let him in on the secret. MAX: No. No, I can't. Not ever. LIZ: Max- MAX: these are my parents. I can't--I can't put them in this kind of danger. They can't ever know the truth. LIZ: So, what are you gonna do? MAX: The necklace I gave you when I thought I was leaving... LIZ: Yeah, what about it? MAX: I need it back. [Liz and Maria are talking in the Crashdown] MARIA: So he didn't take it well, huh? LIZ: Alien Defcon 5. MARIA: It'll be ok, I hope. LIZ: Let Max talk to Michael. MARIA: Right. [Sighs] MICHAEL: so, when does Billy get here? MARIA: I don't know. I thought he'd be here by now. LIZ: Billy who? MARIA: Billy Darden. LIZ: First-kiss Billy? He's coming here? MARIA: Yes. He's on his way to New York. KYLE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your ex-boyfriend's coming to visit? That's not legal. MARIA: He's not my ex-boyfriend. We kissed once 4 years ago. I was 13, and Michael knows all about it. MICHAEL: Yeah, we're all going to dinner. LIZ: No. No mayo on that one. Um, so, where's he gonna stay? MARIA: At my house. KYLE: Your mom's ok with this? MARIA: My mom's out of town. KYLE: What? MICHAEL: It's fine. There's your no-mayo. KYLE: Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called jealousy. MICHAEL: Kyle, relax. I have nothing to be jealous about. They were 13-year-old geeks at band camp. MARIA: Ok, first of all, it was a, uh, songwriter's workshop. And, uh... Billy wasn't a geek. He was just a little skinny. He had a little acne on the face, but- MICHAEL: and braces. MARIA: We all had braces. All right, fine. He was a little bit of a geek. KYLE: And you kissed him? MARIA: Would you shut up? MICHAEL: Shut up. [A young good looking guys comes into the Crashdown] MARIA: Hello. Table or booth? BILLY: It's me. MARIA: Billy? BILLY: Yeah. MARIA: No. BILLY: Yeah. MARIA: Come here. Oh, my god. BILLY: Ohh. God, look at you. [A dozen eggs sitting next to Michael, suddenly explode] MARIA: Oh. Um, let's go this way. BILLY: All right. KYLE: I guess the braces worked. BILLY: God, last time I saw you you were like 13 going on 30. MARIA: And you were like 98 pounds going on this. You look great. BILLY: Now don't take this the wrong way, but have you looked in a mirror? I mean, you went from the girl no one wanted to dance with to the prom queen. MARIA: Now how am I supposed to take that the wrong way? And shut up. BILLY: I'm serious, really. You look great, Maria. MARIA: Thanks. Ahem. So... Uh, how long are you staying? BILLY: Uh, just a couple days. Uh, is it cool with your mom, me staying over? MARIA: Sure. Yeah. And anyway, she's, uh, she's actually gonna be out of town for a couple of days. BILLY: Oh. Well, uh, I can't wait to hear what you've been working on. MARIA: Working on? BILLY: Your music. MARIA: Oh. BILLY: God, I can still remember some of the lyrics you wrote back at band camp. MARIA: God. Yeah, most of it was crap, anyway. BILLY: Oh, come on. MARIA: If anyone asks, though, it was a songwriters workshop. BILLY: Oh. [Max opens the back door of Crashdown and whispers] MAX: Michael! MICHAEL: What are you doing in here? MAX: When do you get off work? MICHAEL: 10 minutes. But I've got plans with Maria and Billy bob Thornton out there. MAX: Something came up. Cancel them. [Maria and Billy are talking in front of the restaurant] BILLY: That is so funny. MICHAEL: Hi. BILLY: Hey. MICHAEL: I'm the boyfriend. BILLY: Hey. Billy. Nice to meet you. MARIA: Ready to go? MICHAEL: Gotta cancel. MARIA: Wait a minute. I was gonna cook. MICHAEL: Something came up. MARIA: What? MICHAEL: It's work-related. MARIA: Oh. Of course. MICHAEL: Steve's wife, Cheryl, she got the flu on my other job, so I gotta cover for her... BILLY: Oh. Him. MICHAEL: Yeah. Sorry, Billy. BILLY: Oh, no. You gotta do what you gotta do, you know? MICHAEL: I'll make it up to you. I promise. MICHAEL: Nice meeting you. BILLY: Yeah. He seems nice. MARIA: Oh, yeah. He's a peach. [Isabel and Jesse are moving into their new apartment] ISABEL: Oh, no-no-no, honey! Those go in the bedroom. Those boxes go in the bedroom. JESSE: Uh-huh. ISABEL: Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. You were right. Kitchen. JESSE: I just remembered. We forgot something. ISABEL: Oh, jeez! Wow! You're really strong. JESSE: Ok, it's tradition... [Jesse picks Isabel up and walks her over the threshold] JESSE: Mrs. Ramirez, welcome to your new home. ISABEL: Thank you, Mr. Ramirez. I love you so much. JESSE: Me, too. [Telephone rings] ISABEL: I should get that. JESSE: And I should get more boxes. But we should... ISABEL: Continue this later? JESSE: Yes. [Ring] [ring] ISABEL: hello? MAX: Did you find your healing stone? ISABEL: Yes, i did. It was in the box that i said it was gonna be in. You are way overreacting to this whole thing. MAX: No, I'm not, Isabel. Dad is on the warpath. ISABEL: He's our father, not the enemy. Listen to me- Mr Evans: Isabel? ISABEL: Oh, my god! Mr Parker: Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. The door was open. ISABEL: Oh, can I call you back? I'll call you back. Ok, bye. Hi, dad. Um... What's up? Mr Evans: I just wanted to see your new place. It's nice. Cozy. Uh, from your mother and me. [Mr Evans hands a plant to Isabel] ISABEL: Ooh, thank you so much. Thank you. Um, you really should have waited, though, until, you know, we got a little more unpacked and situated. Mr Evans: Nah, that's all right. Where's, uh, Jesse? ISABEL: He's outside by the truck, I think. Mr Evans: I can't believe how grown up my kids are. You with your new house, Max with his new car. ISABEL: Yeah. Grown up. Mr Evans: I guess I have to get used to my new role. I didn't get the chance to help you find this place. I didn't even know Max was getting a new car. ISABEL: Yeah, it all just happened really fast, you know? Mr Evans: Do you even know when he got rid of the jeep? MARIA: I can't believe you're doing it. Moving to New York, huh? BILLY: Yeah. Greenwich village. MARIA: Playing seedy bars and coffee shops. BILLY: Well, that was the plan. MARIA: Yeah, but there are plans and then there are plans. BILLY: Well, I guess this was the plan. MARIA: Yeah, I guess so. So, what are you gonna do for money? BILLY: As long as I make enough to get by, I'm fine, you know? MARIA: Oh, god, that is so romantic, I could just scream. BILLY: Come on. It was your idea. MARIA: I know, but I mean, I was 13 and talkin' about going to the big city. Even then I knew it was just talk. Here. Taste. BILLY: That's pretty good. That's not how I remember it. I mean, even back then you were pretty dad serious about your music. I mean, you're the one that gave me the bug. If I hadn't have met you, I'd still be playing stairway to heaven in my mom's garage. MARIA: Well, I guess for me music was just more of like a passing thing. BILLY: Well, I find that very hard to believe. MARIA: What are you doing? BILLY: The sauce is just a little thin, so I'm gonna show you a little family secret. MARIA: In my sauce? You're putting creamer- BILLY: shh. Come on. Try it. Try it. Try it. MARIA: Ok. Mm-hmm. BILLY: Mm-hmm. MARIA: Not bad. [Back at Jesse and Isabel's apartment] JESSE: Your dad introduced me to some new clients as his son-in-law. ISABEL: This floor is way too hard. JESSE: Do you think i should start calling him dad? Ha ha! That is too weird. I won't do it. ISABEL: We could use a blanket. I'll be right back . JESSE: Hey, where are you going? ISABEL: To get a blanket. JESSE: Why? ISABEL: So we can have sex. JESSE: In here? ISABEL: Yes. It's tradition that when a couple moves into their new place, they make love in every room of the house. JESSE: Ok. Can I finish flossing my teeth? Oh! Before I forget, your dad- ISABEL: please! Could we just not talk about my dad for a second here? JESSE: Yeah, sure. ISABEL: Oh, ok. What'd he say? JESSE: He's bringing up Utah. Utah? Yeah, Max's little crime spree. He keeps asking me what I think really happened. ISABEL: What did you say? JESSE: That I think Max is hiding something. Damned if I know what it is. What do you think? ISABEL: You wanna know what I think? I think that as long as my father and Max continue to invde my life with you, tradition is gonna have to wait. JESSE: What did I just do? [Isabel storms out] [Billy and Maria are talking] MARIA: No! Oh, my god! No! BILLY: There she is. Right there. MARIA: Look at my hair and my eyes. Ugh! BILLY: Come on. It was your late 90s retro Annie Lennox phase. You know, you were experimenting. I think it was cute. MARIA: Right. Burn those now. BILLY: Oh, no--oh, no. These are goin' to the big apple where they'll be prominently displayed in my guitar case where people will be throwing money. MARIA: Look at that! Look at-- this hair spray alone could choke a horse. BILLY: Ok. Well, look past the somewhat flammable hair and see what I see. MARIA: Which is what? Bad eyeliner? BILLY: Nah. Dreams. Look. This girl... Has beautiful dreams. And she makes beautiful music. So, what happened to her? MARIA: Nothing. She just grew up. BILLY: Right. Right. [Max and Michael are digging a hole in the dessert] MICHAEL: Is this deep enough? MAX: Almost. MICHAEL: Max, we've been up all night collecting every conceivable alien artifact that ever crashed in this god-forsaken planet, including all of Tess's stuff. I'm tired. MAX: All right. That's deep enough. We still need your healing stone. MICHAEL: I think it's at Maria's. MAX: You think it's at Maria's? MICHAEL: Yeah. I don't know. Most likely. MAX: I bet if it was one of your Metallica cds you'd know where it was. MICHAEL: Hey! You wanna bring that up again? The reason I got pissed is you put and justice for all before master of puppets. MAX: Yeah. Alphabetical order. MICHAEL: They go in order of the release date. MAX: And you don't know where your healing stone is? MICHAEL: You still wanna sleep on my couch? [Cell phone rings] MAX: hello? ISABEL: Jesse is asking all kinds of questions about you, Max. You're right. Dad is out of control. We have to do something. MAX: Isabel, calm down. Just tell me what happened. MICHAEL: What's going on? MAX: My dad's recruited Jesse into this crusade of his. MICHAEL: Ok, Max, you need to talk to your father. Keep your friends close... MICHAEL: And your enemies closer. ISABEL: Our father is not the enemy, Max. MICHAEL: Talk to him. Make nice. Get close. Find out what he-- [The camera pans back. A man is hiding behind some rocks taking pictures of Max and Michael] [Later, Michael is knocking on Maria's door- Billy answers] MICHAEL: you haven't left yet. BILLY: Oh, no, man. Late night. Sorry. I'm leaving later today. MICHAEL: How was dinner? BILLY: It was good, man. It was good. BILLY: How's Steve's wife? MICHAEL: Who? BILLY: Steve's wife, with the flu. You covered for him. Remember? Yeah. She's great. She's fine. Is Maria around? BILLY: No, man. You just missed her. Just missed her. Can I leave her a note or a message or something? MICHAEL: No. I'm here to pick something up. BILLY: Can I help you look? MICHAEL: No. That's ok. BILLY: What are you looking for? MICHAEL: Something I need. [Michael puts the healing stone in his pocket] BILLY: Hey, when did Maria stop writing music? MICHAEL: She messes around with it once in a while. BILLY: Well, how often does she mess around with it? MICHAEL: Is this goin' somewhere? BILLY: No. I mean, maybe. I mean, I don't know. I'm just... I'm just wondering if she's given up on writing and singing altogether. MICHAEL: I really wouldn't know. BILLY: Well, listen, man, she's really good. I mean, she's really good. MICHAEL: Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. MICHAEL: I guess what I'm looking for isn't here. BILLY: Well, I'd tell her you stopped by, but I got a bus to catch. [Later, Michael is making sauce at the Crashdown] MARIA: Hmm, you know what? That sauce looks a little thin. You should put half and half in there. MICHAEL: It's not coffee. MARIA: It works. Billy showed me. It gives it heft. MICHAEL: I don't put dairy products in my meat sauce. It's not kosher. MARIA: Ok. I said no cheese in the nebulua salad. MICHAEL: Forgot. Listen, I was thinking about skipping out on bowling tonight, and maybe we could make up for last night. MARIA: That is so sweet, but I kind of had plans. Just... MICHAEL: Plans with who? MARIA: It's nothing...Big. Just me and Billy were gonna go and... MICHAEL: Billy? Isn't he on the bus? MARIA: He missed it. He's staying another night. MICHAEL: Another night?! [The salad bowl explodes] MARIA: What did you do that for? You could've hurt me. MICHAEL: Sorry. I'm not sure what happened. [Max is waiting in his father's office] Mr Evans: Max. MAX: Hey, dad. Mr Evans: What are you doing here? MAX: I think we need to talk. Mr Evans: I agree completely. SECRETARY: Your 11:30 is here. Mr Evans: Gimme 10 seconds. I'm sorry, I've got a meeting waiting. MAX: No, it's ok. Why don't we go fishing, like we used to, away from all these interruptions? Mr Evans: Sounds good. When? MAX: Tomorrow. Mr Evans: Great. I'll pick you up early. Got to get a jump... MAX: On those fish. Excuse me. [Mr Evans meeting is with the photographer who was taking pictures of Max and Michael] PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Saw him and that friend of his out in the desert. Mr Evans: What were they doing? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Couldn't really tell from where I was standing, but I got some pictures. Mr Evans: What else you got for me? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: A receipt from the last time your son filled up his jeep. First week in may. Mr Evans: That's when Tess disappeared. Do you think these 2 events are connected? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: There's only 3 reasons a person gets rid of a vehicle-- 1--they sell it. 2--they ruin it in order to bilk the insurance company. Or 3--they destroy it to hide something. Mr Evans: What do you think my son's trying to hide? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: We better find that jeep, Mr. Evans. [Maria comes home and finds Billy playing Alex's guitar] MARIA: Billy, I hope you're ok with hamburgers 'cause that's you're getting. BILLY: Hamburgers are fine. MARIA: Why is that out? BILLY: Michael stopped by today. This ended up on the bed, so I am tuning it for you. MARIA: Why? BILLY: It's out of tune, darlin'. MARIA: Put it back. BILLY: In just a second. MARIA: You know what? Forget it. I'll put it back. BILLY: Hey, what's wrong? MARIA: I invite you into my house and you go through my stuff? BILLY: Where's all this coming from? It's a guitar baby. MARIA: No, it's not. [Michael and Liz are closing the Crashdown] MICHAEL: Pretty busy night, huh? LIZ: Mm-hmm. MICHAEL: How much money do you think we'd pull in on a night like tonight? LIZ: You know that you really suck at small talk? Why don't you just tell Dr. Parker what's on your mind? MICHAEL: Hey, tell me--do I need to be worried about this Billy guy? LIZ: No, you don't. He's completely harmless. MICHAEL: But you think he's good-looking right? LIZ: Uh, well, yeah, if you like that sort of thing, I guess. MICHAEL: The good-looking sort of thing. LIZ: Michael... MICHAEL: Do you really think he missed his bus? LIZ: Yes, i do. Haven't you ever missed a bus before? MICHAEL: No, 'cause I don't take the bus, and I don't write songs. And I don't cook with freaking half and half. [The sugar dispensers explode] LIZ: Hey! Hey, Michael! MICHAEL: Sorry. My powers are out of control. LIZ: Would you look at this mess! My dad is gonna freak. MICHAEL: Relax. I'll fix it. [Michael tries to fix the mess, but his powers don't work] LIZ: Please. Michael, you need to calm down, ok? Everything's gonna be fine between you and Maria, trust me. MICHAEL: She cooked him Italian food last night. LIZ: Oh. MICHAEL: I knew it. That's a problem. LIZ: No, no, it's not a problem. It's just, um... It's food. MICHAEL: No, Liz. It's Italian food. LIZ: Michael, please don't do anything stupid or alien or both, please?! [Billy strums guitar in adjoining room] MARIA: try going to an f major 7th, please. I can't listen to you anymore. Just trying going to an f major 7th. BILLY: Not bad. MARIA: Oh, please. I totally fixed it for you. BILLY: Ok. Now let's see if you remember this one... So what about earlier? MARIA: Yeah, I'm sorry that I went off on you. BILLY: Gonna tell me about it? MARIA: That guitar belonged to a friend of mine. His name was Alex. He died last year. BILLY: I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I had no idea. MARIA: His parents wanted me to have this guitar, but I just couldn't bring myself to play it. BILLY: Bad memories. MARIA: He was only 17. He had his whole life. His whole life. BILLY: Did you and Alex write songs together? MARIA: Not really. We tried once, but I just don't partner well. I don't know, you're, like, the only person that I've ever trusted in that way. BILLY: So if you guys were writing songs, then that means you were singing up until... MARIA: Until his funeral. Yeah, that was the last time. BILLY: Well, then I guess tonight's a special night. MARIA: (Singing) I wish I could read your mind - words don't mean a thing - I've given you all my time - all you do is leave - and if you were standing here in front of me - I know you would say - there's nothing oh, so precious - as something that's gone away - and if there is a reason - i just don't want to know - why you feel the need to love me so - only when you go - only when you go- [Michael is watching thru the window- He gets upset and walks off- his powers are out of control and setting off car alarms- He slams the door as he walks into his apartment] MAX: what happened? MICHAEL: It's over. MAX: What, my dad found something? What? MICHAEL: No, it's not that. I saw Maria and what's his name, Billy, together. MAX: Oh, together as in... Together? MICHAEL: Worse. MAX: What could be worse? MICHAEL: They were singing together. MAX: So you're jealous. MICHAEL: I'm not jealous! [A lamp explodes] MICHAEL: My powers are slightly out of whack. MAX: "Out of whack"? MICHAEL: I've been blwing things up all day. MAX: Get them under control. MICHAEL: I can't. MAX: Michael, get yourself together. What if this happens in front of my father? MICHAEL: I don't care about your father or his stupid investigation. MAX: All right, look, I'm sorry. We're part human. We're supposed to have feelings. You keep them bottled up like this, they're gonna get out somehow. MICHAEL: What should I do? MAX: Talk to her. MICHAEL: That's it? Just talk to her? MAX: Yeah. MICHAEL: Ok, sure. [Max and his father are fishing on the lake] Mr Evans: I've missed this. Max: Yeah, me, too. Mr Evans: So why did you get rid of the jeep? MAX: Got sick of it. Plastic doors, the roof took forever to get on and off. Mr Evans: Yeah. I hope you got a good price for it. MAX: Blue book. Mr Evans: Huh. So who bought it? MAX: This guy at school. Drove it cross-country to college. Cornell, I think. Mr Evans: It was a fun car. Remember the guy we bought it from? MAX: Yeah. Now, he was scary. Mr Evans: I thought he was gonna sht us. MAX: You wouldn't meet his price. Mr Evans: I did when the gn fell out of his boot. How old were you? MAX: 15. Mr Evans: Yeah. I'm just surprised that you would sell it without telling me first. MAX: It was sort of spontaneous. Mr Evans: And you say this guy who bought it-- he was gonna drive it all the way to Cornell? MAX: Yeah. He was planning on fixing it up first. Mr Evans: Right. MAX: I saw the board in your office. I know what you're doing. Mr Evans: And what am I doing? MAX: It isn't right to spy on your own son. Mr Evans: I'm not spying. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Is my concern for you a thrat? MAX: Do I thrat you? Mr Evans: You frighten me, Max. I don't think I know who you are anymore. I'm beginning to think I've never known. MAX: I'm your son. Mr Evans: With secrets. And my biggest fear is that they're terrible secrets, that you're in trouble and I can't help. MAX: You can't help because I'm not in trouble. Mr Evans: Not in trouble? Max, if it weren't for me, you'd be rotting in jail right now. I put my reputation on the line for you, and I still don't know why. [Cell phone rings] Mr Evans: what? Yeah. Wait there. We're done. Let's head in. MAX: Dad... Mr Evans: We're done. [Michael comes up behind Maria in the Crashdown] MICHAEL: hey. MARIA: "Hey" back. MICHAEL: Can I say something? MARIA: Back room. MARIA: Do we have a problem? MICHAEL: No, we don't. I do. MARIA: How can I help? MICHAEL: Be patient with me. MARIA: Always. MICHAEL: Don't say it like that, like I'm a kid. MARIA: That's not what I meant. What are you worried about, really? What can I do? MICHAEL: Tell your friend to leave. He shouldn't be here. It's not a good time. MARIA: Not a good time? Let me ask you a question, Michael. MICHAEL: Here we go... MARIA: No, don't do that. MICHAEL: You ask "what can I do," and I tell you. MARIA: When is it a good time? MICHAEL: To step out with an old boyfriend? MARIA: He is not an old-- ooh, would you just- MICHAEL: where's your patience now? MARIA: When is it a good time for me to take a small step back from this nonstop alien hootenanny? MICHAEL: We're in danger. Max's father- MARIA: I know. MICHAEL: Yeah, and you don't care because that Billy guy-- [Michael's powers cause things on the shelf to fall] MARIA: Michael... MICHAEL: You're gonna leave me for him. MARIA: No. No. Ok, I'll tell him. MICHAEL: Thank you. MARIA: Hey, it's what I do. It's what I always do. [Kyle is talking to Max on the phone] KYLE: Max, I think we got a problem. MAX: What is it? KYLE: Your dad just called for a tow truck. MAX: Where? KYLE: Mile marker 16 out on route 7. MAX: They found the jeep. [Maria comes home. Billy is playing the guitar] BILLY: Hey. MARIA: I have to tell you something. BILLY: What? MARIA: You have to go. BILLY: Right this second? MARIA: Yeah. BILLY: I'll get my stuff. Is this about Michael? Am I in the middle of something? MARIA: No. It's complicated. It's just my life. I can't have more than one thing going on. It's not you. It has nothing to do with you. BILLY: That's too bad. MARIA: What's that supposed to mean? BILLY: Truth? Maria, i missed my bus on purpose. MARIA: Why? BILLY: Because I was given some advice one time... Decide what you want in life and live it. MARIA: That's terrible advice. BILLY: You gave it to me. MARIA: That explains it. BILLY: 4 years ago, our last night at camp. MARIA: I was 13. BILLY: That night stuck with me. You stuck with me. That kiss stuck with me. It was my first one. MARIA: You told me that you kissed tons of girls. BILLY: I lied. I don't know. I was just... I was hoping that- MARIA: I'm with someone. BILLY: Yeah, I met him. MARIA: Look, you don't understand. Michael is just- BILLY: stopping you? MARIA: Stopping me from what? BILLY: from I don't know. From life. From this. [Billy kisses Maria- she doesn't respond at first, then kisses him back] [The scene switches to the jeep being pulled up from the ravine. Michael, Max, and Isabel are watching] ISABEL: This is bad. MICHAEL: What are you gonna tell your father, Max? MAX: I'm not gonna tell him anything. He doesn't trust me anymore. MICHAEL: Who does he trust? [Max looks at Isabel] [Scene switches to Liz and Maria talking] LIZ: and then you kissed him? MARIA: Yes, I did. LIZ: Where is he right now? MARIA: At my house. LIZ: Ha! What were you thinking? MARIA: I don't know. LIZ: And that's all that it was. It was just a kiss. MARIA: Maybe. You know? Maybe not. LIZ: Let's just talk about the kiss for one second. Was there any passion? MARIA: Tons. LIZ: Oh... MARIA: I know. But it's not that kind of passion. It's like it woke me up. LIZ: Like sleeping beauty. MARIA: Yeah, I guess. MARIA: Do you think I've been asleep this whole time? LIZ: Well... I think you've been trying to remember who you used to be for a long time. Say it. MARIA: I just-- sometimes I just feel like I've paid this huge price for knowing Michael and knowing these aliens. It's like... God, I didn't think I'd end up here dealing with this crap every day. I mean, I love Michael, and I do sort of love this ridiculous soap opera, but... I just...I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm trapped and I'm never gonna get out. LIZ: I know. MARIA: I mean, I... I didn't sign up for this. LIZ: Yes, you did. We all did. MARIA: I know. It's just, I had this dream once... I mean, maybe I still do. I don't know. LIZ: Maybe sometimes you have to go after your dreams. And who am i to tell you just give them up, because without your dreams, you're just me. MARIA: Liz. LIZ: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That sounded way too self-pitying, and this isn't about me. It's just that, um... I'm committed to going down this road with Max. Good, bad, indifferent, I'm committed. And I've given up a lot along the way, so unless you're sure that's what you want to do with Michael, don't be so quick to give up your dreams. [Maria comes home. Billy is packing to leave] MARIA: Hey. I have this insane idea. BILLY: What? MARIA: That we do what we planned, that I go to New York with you. BILLY: Wow. MARIA: Yeah. BILLY: What about your mom? MARIA: Well, I know that she'll want me to finish high school. BILLY: Not a bad idea. MARIA: No, so after I graduate. BILLY: Great. MARIA: Maybe. BILLY: Maybe. MARIA: No, I just don't know if this is what I wanna do- BILLY: hey, hey, hey. You don't owe me an explanation. I screwed things up. MARIA: No, you didn't. BILLY: Yes, I did. I should have known better. I changed the whole flow between us. But I been wanting to kiss you for about 4 years, and I'm a guy, so I took a sht. MARIA: I just think I may have given you the wrong impression. BILLY: No, you didn't. We're fine. And if I did anything to make you feel bad, I'm sorry. I just wish you hadn't of... MARIA: What? BILLY: I wish you hadn't hidden yourself away with that guitar. BILLY: You gonna come see me in the village? MARIA: Yes. BILLY: I'll get you front row seats. MARIA: And I will throw my underwear at you. [Sighs] BILLY: bye, Maria. MARIA: Bye. [Billy leaves] [Isabel and Jesse are having dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Evans] Mrs Evans: It's newly upholstered. It has a dark print with big, uh... Pink cabbage roses. JESSE: Wow. I don't know if that would really, uh- Mr Evans: hey, hey, hey. Mr Evans: You can't bat the price. [As Isabel sits down, she is remembering what Max told her. We hear his voice and the conversation she had with him] MAX: They trust you, Isabel. ISABEL: I'm sick of lying to our parents. MAX: There's no other choice. ISABEL: Yes, there is. The truth. MAX: It's too dangerous for them and for us. ISABEL: Max, you're wrong I want to tell them... [Voice over conversation ends] ISABEL: The truth. Mrs Evans: What, hon? ISABEL: What? Mrs Evans: Did you say something? ISABEL: The truth. I... I want to tell you the truth about what's been going on with Max. ISABEL: It's about Tess. Max got Tess pregnant, but she left before the baby was born, so Max may have a child out there somewhere. Mrs Evans: Oh, my. ISABEL: That night that she left, he was so angry that he just drove all night and pushed his jeep off a cliff because he... Was so crazy. JESSE: God, Isabel. I'm so sorry. If I had known, I wouldn't have- Mr Evans: I'm sorry, too, Isabel, for asking you those questions, for putting Jesse in the middle. ISABEL: He would have told you himself. He was just so afraid to disappoint you. Mr Parker: Thank you for finally telling us the truth. [Isabel is talking to Max on the phone later] MAX: Did they buy it? ISABEL: Yeah. They bought everything. ISABEL: You're safe for another day. MAX: Thanks, Iz. I owe you. ISABEL: Maybe now we can get back to normal. [Mr. Evans is in his office looking at a picture of Isabel. He pins it to his board under the conspirators section] [Michael meets Maria in the park] MICHAEL: You wanted to talk, which usually means you're gonna kick my ass, so I brought some friends. MARIA: Thank you. I guess. MICHAEL: Ha. Is he gone yet? MARIA: Yeah. MICHAEL: good! MARIA: Feel better? MICHAEL: Getting there. What are we talking about? MARIA: I wanna break up. I want out because I love you so much. I love you more than you could possibly know. MICHAEL: I'm lost. MARIA: No, I'm lost. And you've been there the whole time to help me through all of it. MICHAEL: All of what? MARIA: This whole thing-- this alien, human, the scary stuff, the bad stuff. MICHAEL: And there was fun stuff, too. MARIA: Yeah, but I haven't been honest in any of it. MICHAEL: Listen, if you're trying to tell me that you're a bisexual or something, I'm--I'm cool with that. I'm... MICHAEL: Why do you want out? MARIA: Because, Michael, I don't think I've ever been in. I mean, this girl you've known for the past 3 years-- Maria-- it's just not me. MARIA: Of course it's you. MARIA: No, it's not the me I used to be. MICHAEL: Things change. MARIA: Yeah, things change. MICHAEL: Just like that. Will you come back to me? MARIA: I don't know. [Maria hands the flowers back and walks off- she goes home and picks up Alex's guitar- we see Isabel looking out the window, Mr. Evans taking a drink, and Michael remembering his relationship with Maria] [Song plays in the background] Breathe again - I'm livin' on your air tonight - never knowing when you'll cut it off - oh, you have a way - that makes it hard to sleep alone - and just when the dream gets good - you always seem to have to go - so - here I am - alone again - waiting for the story - to finally end - while the world spins around - it's out of my hands - don't even try - to understand - and I guess it's time to tell you - what you should already know - oh, you know - I'm better breathing on my own - all alone -	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x08 - Behind the Music"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Samuel Rising" Episode: 9 52nd Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA09 Written by: Jason Katims Directed by: Patrick Norris Original Air Date: December 18, 2001 [Max and Michael are walking down the street talking] MAX: So did you and Maria officially break up? MICHAEL: I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any. Let's grab a burger. MAX: That's not exactly giving her space. MICHAEL: I'm not gonna starve because I have a weird girlfriend. MAX: Nah. Liz's dad is still freaked. I'm not allowed in the Crashdown. MICHAEL: Do it anyways. It'll make her hot. [Max and Michael go into the Crashdown- Isabel and the rest of the group are already there] ISABEL: So this is how it's gonna look. It's gonna be, like, white lights and clear ornaments and white candles. MICHAEL: Hail the Christmas nzi. JESSE: What? ISABEL: Hi, Michael. Shut up. LIZ: Hey. I love that you just walked in here. MICHAEL: Hey. MARIA: Hey. MICHAEL: So what's going on? Are we hanging today after your shift? MARIA: Uh...Today? Uh, no. I have some stuff to do today. MICHAEL: Whatever. MAX: Is that kid staring at me? MICHAEL: What kid? MAX: Over there. Sitting with his mom. MAX: He is. He's staring right at me. MICHAEL: So what? Christmas... It's a... Load of crap. JESSE: Are you kidding me? It's a great time. Just mellow out, watch a little football. MICHAEL: Oh, you'll be watching lots of football. JESSE: What does he mean by that? ISABEL: Nothing. We gotta go, honey. We gotta make sure the senior Christmas dinner is still on schedule. I still haven't found the proper Santa for Santa village, and, oh, you know what? You gotta change the lights on the windows of our apartment. MICHAEL: Enjoy mellowing out. ISABEL: You know, Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling. MICHAEL: Making other people miserable. ISABEL: Volunteering... Helping the elderly, children less fortunate find joy and happiness through the holidays. MARIA: Want to know something? That actually sounds great. Giving of myself-- I like it. I think that's just what i need to, um... Get my mind off of other situations. ISABEL: Well, you have come to the right place. LIZ: You know, I think I'd really like to do that, too. MARIA: Is there anything we can do together? ISABEL: Actually, I think there is. Meet me at the park after work. [The little boy who has been staring at Max walks over to him] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Samuel? Where are you going? SAMUEL: Daddy. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Samuel. MAX: I think you got the wrong guy. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Did he just say something to you? MAX: Yeah. He just called me "daddy." SAMUEL'S MOTHER: That's impossible. My son doesn't talk. [Later, Max and Liz are talking] MAX: He called me "daddy." It was crystal clear. LIZ: Yeah, I heard. MAX: Liz, what if my son is using him to communicate with me? LIZ: What do you mean? MAX: You know my son has been trying to send me signals? LIZ: No, Max. He hasn't sent you a signal in over a month. MAX: Maybe he hasn't been able to until now. What if there's something about this child-- something about the fact that he's different that allows my son to be able to reach out to me through him? And we know that aliens possess human bodies to communicate with us. LIZ: Well, Max, maybe he was just confused. MAX: Something made him talk to me. I have to find out what that is. [Kyle is talking to his father as Jim stuffs the turkey] KYLE: Dad, if just-- I wanted to say that I figured out what's going on. JIM: You have? KYLE: Yep. All this Christmas stuff is because it's been a rough year. JIM: Uh-huh. KYLE: The whole thing with Tess and you losing your job and everything. JIM: Yeah. KYLE: I know you wanted to make this a good Christmas...For us-- for me--and I just wanted to say I appreciate that. JIM: Listen Kyle, there's something that I wanted to tell you, but it's kind of slipped my mind. I, uh, actually invited somebody to come over for Christmas breakfast this year... A lady friend. [Sarcastic] KYLE: fantastic. So you just, uh, you just decided to invite her... To Christmas breakfast... To our Christmas breakfast. Did you even think to ask me? JIM: Kyle, listen, you don't want her to come- KYLE: no, no, no. It's fine. JIM: Kyle- KYLE: it's fine. Don't worry about it. [Max rings the doorbell at Samuel's house] MAX: I'm sorry to bother you. I just keep thinking about what happened this morning. I'm Max. Max Evans. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What can I do for you? MAX: I was wondering what I could do for your son. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Why? MAX: I don't know. It just feels like the right thing to do. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Max, I know how people can get around the holidays. My son is autistic. If you want to work with children, you might want to start with someone a little less challenging. MAX: I don't want to work with children. I want to help your son. [Isabel arrives home to find Jesse decorating for Christmas] ISABEL: What's that? JESSE: It's my old stocking. ISABEL: Oh. Wow. Well, it's, uh, very...Brown. JESSE: Yeah. I made it myself in kindergarten. ISABEL: I don't doubt that. JESSE: Yeah, it always hung on my mantle at my house, and now it's on our mantle. ISABEL: Hmm. [Mutters] yeah, it certainly is. Oh! Oh, oh, oh! JESSE: What? What? What? [Isabel uses her powers to make a new stocking] ISABEL: But I made these. JESSE: Oh, my god. You made these? ISABEL: Yeah. JESSE: When did you have the time? ISABEL: Well, actually, it didn't take as long as you would think. JESSE: Wow. Ok, so I guess I'll have 2 stockings on the mantle. ISABEL: Yeah. Yeah. Or... Maybe we could hang this one... Somewhere else. [Isabel takes Jesse's stocking off the mantel] ISABEL: You know, like, on... Well, the tree. You know, we could just sort of--just-- just sort of, uh-- we could just-- sort of put it right there. JESSE: Yeah, I guess that works. ISABEL: Yeah, good. Ok, let's get going. 2 days till Christmas. Lots to do. JESSE: Anyway, I was just thinking- [Jesse reaches for a plate of cookies] ISABEL: oh, honey! Don't touch those. They're for christmas morning. JESSE: Yeah. [Back at Samuel's house] MAX: Samuel? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He likes the light. I think that's why he does that with the door. It creates patterns of light on the carpet. MAX: Right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It comforts him. MAX: Right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Max... I understand if you change your mind about doing this. It may not be what you expected. MAX: I'm fine. This is fine. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What happened today has never happened before. I keep asking myself, "why did he walk up to you? Why you?" MAX: I have no idea. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I have this appointment with his psychologist this afternoon. Maybe if she worked with you and Samuel together, he might talk again. I would understand if you don't want to- MAX: I do. I'll be there. [At Isabel's Christmas Village, Santa's are trying out] SANTA: Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! ISABEL: They won't do. WOMAN: Really? I think that Santa 2 has a real Kringle quality. ISABEL: Santa's village is an institution-- my institution-- and the children of Roswell deserve a great Santa. Not a good Santa, a great Santa. WOMAN: Right. LIZ: Hi, Isabel. MARIA: Hi! ISABEL: Oh. 7 minutes late. I need 5 more inches of snow on all of the trees. This is the north pole. ISABEL: Ok! Snowflake and Candy Cane. LIZ: Elves? Are you kidding? ISABEL: No. You said you wanted to give of yourselves. LIZ: Not as elves. MARIA: Yeah, all elves do is deal with annoying kids who want to cut the Santa line. I mean, we wanted to make a real contribution, Isabel. ISABEL: There are no small assignments. Only small volunteers. You two are the smallest I could find for those elves costumes. [Maria and Liz look surprised- Jesse can't believe what Isabel is doing] [Samuel's family is at the psychologist's office- Max is in the waiting room] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: : I'm telling you, he spoke. I heard him speak. DOCTOR: I know, and that's fantastic, Rebecca, it is. What we need to do now, is figure out exactly what this means. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It means he's starting to communicate with the world. He's growing. He's changing. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Rebecca, come on. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What? SAMUEL'S FATHER: We've had moments like this before. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Like what? SAMUEL'S FATHER: Like emergency meetings, breakthroughs, changes. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Don't do this to me, Warren. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Don't do what? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Don't take this away from me. DOCTOR: No one is trying to take anything away from you, but, Rebecca, I just don't want you to get your hopes up too soon. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I want to get my hopes up. I deserve to get my hopes up. He is different. He was different this morning. Max is outside in the waiting room. He was the young man Samuel spoke to at the diner. SAMUEL'S FATHER: What? Why?! SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I thought it might be helpful if you observed him with Max. If he related to him before, he may again. DOCTOR: I think that's a good idea. Max? Why don't you come in now? I'm Dr. Ramey. MAX: Nice to meet you. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Dr. Ramey has been with my son since he was 3, and this is, um, Samuel's father Warren. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Hey, Max. DOCTOR: So, Max, why don't you tell us what happened this morning? MAX: Well, I was sitting with some friends having breakfast, and...I noticed him looking at me. Kind of staring. MAX: Then, a few minutes later, walked across the room. [Samuel hands Max a picture he drew of a UFO] MAX: Thank you. [Max is at home looking at the picture- Knock on door- Max opens the door to find Liz] LIZ: hi. MAX: Hey, LIZ: I'm so excited. I haven't gone ice skating in so long. MAX: Take a look at this. LIZ: That's--you did a really good job, Max. Great use of color there. MX LIZ: And that means... MAX: It means my son is trying to communicate with me through this boy. LIZ: Max- MAX: look, even Samuel's psychologist thought it was unusual. LIZ: You're getting really involved in his life. MAX: Liz, you were the one who said you would do anything to help me find my son. Well, right now, this is my only lead. LIZ: I know, Max, but I just see you walking into the life of this child, you know, this special child. I don't want you to just get what you're looking for and then walk away. MAX: Liz, trust me. LIZ: I do trust you. Now let's go ice-skating, and we'll talk about this later. MAX: Uh... LIZ: What? MAX: I told Rebecca that I would go over there this morning. Sorry. LIZ: Right. MAX: What about tonight? LIZ: Uh, I can't, because I'm an indentured elf all through Christmas eve. MAX: Sorry. LIZ: It's ok. We'll do it some other time. [Back at Isabel's Christmas event] MARIA: Liz: Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way oh, what fun it is to ride- KIDS: Boo! Shut up, elves. Elves suck. LIZ: Do you know that without elves, Santa would be nowhere? We are very proud to be elves. KIDS: Loser: We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! There's Santa! Here comes Santa! [Kids cheering as Santa (Michael) rides up on a motorcycle] KIDS: whoa, whoa, whoa. MARIA: You've got to be kidding me. LIZ: Oh, my god. Is that... MARIA: No... LIZ: Way. MICHAEL: Ho ho ho. MARIA: t are you doing here? MICHAEL: other Santa's in rehab. So Isabel forced me to do this. You know how she gets around the holidays. Bring me a brat, snowflake. MARIA: Oh! [Max is playing basketball with Samuel] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Almost sweetheart. Almost. MAX: Try it again. Just a little more muscle. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Great job! MAX: Great sht. Want to try it again? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Hi, Warren . SAMUEL'S FATHER: Max. Hey, Samuel. I got your cape. It was in the back of my car. MAX: Uh, I should go. SAMUEL'S FATHER: That's ok. Actually, I have to go to work today. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: What? You're supposed to take him to see Santa today. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Yeah, I know. I got swamped. It'll have to wait till tomorrow. Warren, tomorrow is Christmas eve. There is no way Samuel's gonna sit on Santa's lap if there are those kind of crowds. SAMUEL'S FATHER: He's not gonna sit on Santa's lap no matter what we do. He's never sat on Santa's lap. SAMUEL'S FATHER: He doesn't let people touch him. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Well, we could still go and at least pretend to be a family. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Rebecca, he doesn't even know what Christmas is. I gotta go to work. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Mm-hmm. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Bye, Samuel. Bye, Max. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He's probably right. Samuel's never sat on Santa's lap. MAX: Listen, I can go with you, if you like. I know some helpful elves. [Back at the festival] MICHAEL: So, Zeke, what are you asking Santa for this year? BOY: A raceway 5000. MICHAEL: Nice choice dude. The raceway 5000 rocks. Give me 5! MARIA: looks like Michael finally found an age group on his level. LIZ: Yeah, he's really good with kids. MARIA: Yeah, he's so adorable. Oh! This is exactly what was not supposed to happen. Uh, Liz, look. That's a weird sight. [Maria sees Max, Samuel and his mother] MARIA: Here. LIZ: Thanks. LIZ: Hi. MAX: Hey. This is Rebecca, and this is Samuel. This is Liz. LIZ: Hi. I think that we actually met yesterday at the Crashdown. Hi, Samuel. Merry Christmas. MAX: He has a hard time with waiting in lines, so we were wondering if you could move him through? LIZ: Oh, yeah. Sure. Why don't we just bring him- SAMUEL'S MOTHER: oh, ok, I'm sorry. He doesn't like to touch people or to be touched. He may not want to sit in Santa's lap, and if he doesn't, that's ok. Don't force him to do anything. LIZ: Um, why don't you just come with us? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: That would be great. Ok. Thank you. LIZ: Come on, samuel. MICHAEL: Ho ho ho. MAX: Michael? What are you doing here? MICHAEL: Spreading Christmas cheer. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Ok, Samuel, do you want to sit on Santa's lap? It's ok. Let's go. Here you go. [Samuel sits on Michael's lap] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Sweetie, you're doing great. MAX: The camera. MICHAEL: Hop to it, candy cane. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Oh, um, one more. Ok, wait. One more. Max, come on in. MAX: No, it's all right. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Come on. Please get in the picture. [The photographer takes pictures of Samuel and Max with Michael and Samuel's mother] [Max, and Samuel and his mother are walking down the street] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I am so proud of you. That was fantastic. I think this calls for an ice cream celebration. What do you think? Samuel loves ice cream. He could eat it every day, and he does. Don't you, sweetie? MAX: Yeah. Oh, I'll go get it. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: No, that's ok. I'll get it. You sit here with Max, and I'll be right back. Thank you. MAX: Sure. You really made your mom proud, Samuel. Me, too. Samuel, I want to talk to you about something... About this. [Max takes the picture of the UFO out] MAX: This might sound a little crazy... But did something tell you to draw this? Samuel? I need you to try and think about this. I need you to help me, ok? Think about yesterday morning in the Crashdown when you walked up to me. MAX: I know you don't like people to touch you, but I might be able to get a connection. Let's see. [Samuel freaks out and runs when Max touches him] MAX: No, no, it's all right. I'm not gonna hurt you. No, Samuel! It's ok! No, stop! Stop! Samuel, it's all right. I won't hurt you. [Screaming] MAX: Samuel, stop. It's ok. [Screaming] MAX: it's ok. Samuel! SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Oh, my god! What happened?! MAX: It was just- SAMUEL'S MOTHER: move away. Stay away! You're going to be ok, Samuel, honey, come here, let me see- It's ok. It's all right-. Come here- [Samuel and his mother arrive home with Max, and Samuel's father is waiting there] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: it's ok. It's ok. SAMUEL'S FATHER: How is he? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He's fine. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Well, what the hell happened? Your message made it sound like he cracked his head open. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: He fell. He's ok. It wasn't as bad as it looked. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Samuel, are you ok? SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Warren, please. You're making him nervous. I need to get him inside. MAX: I'm sorry. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: It's ok. You had his best interest at heart. Come on inside, honey. Let's relax. SAMUEL'S FATHER: What happened? MAX: It was my fault. Rebecca went into the store for ice cream, and, uh... I was talking to Samuel, and... He just--he- SAMUEL'S FATHER: he lost it? MAX: Yeah. SAMUEL'S FATHER: 've been there... Many times. Max, I know what this must look like to you. Like I've, uh, abandoned my family or something. But there's something you gotta understand. What you've been doing for 2 days, I did for 7 years. I mean, he has spoken before. You know, Rebecca-- she probably didn't tell you that. When he was 4, he said... "Baskin-Robbins." You know, for the ice-cream store? We held on to that for over a year... Just waiting for him to say something else... Or say it again. He, uh, never did. Max, I know what it is that you're trying to do for my son, I do. But I-I'm just afraid that... Whatever it is that you're looking for... It just isn't there. [Max and Liz are talking in the Crashdown] LIZ: So do you think that the father's right that what he said didn't mean anything? MAX: I mean, he drew this ship. It must mean something. LIZ: Max? He was just drawing the mural. MAX: He wasn't trying to communicate with me. None of this means anything. LIZ: So what are you gonna do, you just gonna walk away? MAX: I don't know what else to do. I already hurt him once. I shouldn't even be in his life. LIZ: Max, maybe there's some other reason that he reached out to you. He spoke to you. He obviously senses that you're different. Maybe he's trying to say something, and he's looking for help to say it. [Jesse is watching football on the TV] JESSE: No! No! No! No! Hey. ISABEL: Hey. How you doing? JESSE: Oh! Turnover! Our ball! Our ball! Our ball! ISABEL: Good game, honey? JESSE: Oh, great game. ISABEL: Oh, great. Great. You know, Jesse, it's Christmas-eve morning. We have a million things to do. JESSE: Yeah, hey. I'm stringing. Look. ISABEL: You've hardly started, and the sequence is all wrong. It's 5 popcorn, 2 cranberries. JESSE: Hey, if my work isn't good enough, maybe you should get candy cane and snowflake involved. ISABEL: Ok, I am doing everything I can to make sure that we have a perfect Christmas. JESSE: How can we have the perfect Christmas? Everything is too perfect. I mean, it's too planned. I'm breaking out in hives here. I never break out. ISABEL: But we're starting our Christmas traditions. JESSE: No. We're starting your Christmas traditions, all of your activities and your decorating and your charity work. I mean, it's great. But what about us? What about just sitting back on the couch and watching some TV and just talking and mellowing out? How about that for a Christmas tradition? ISABEL: Mellowing out? JESSE: Yes. ISABEL: Ok, are you gonna come with me to the Christmas village, or are you gonna be too busy mellowing out? JESSE: I'm going for a walk. [Cheering on TV as Jesse leaves] [The doorbell rings at the Valenti house, and Kyle opens the door] KYLE: hey, Shelby. Shelby Prine, right? SHELBY: Hi, Kyle. I haven't seen you in years. KYLE: So what are you doing here, is it a unicef situation? SHELBY: Oh. Didn't your father- KYLE: my father? He's in the bedroom getting ready to see his lady friend. Oh. Oh, you- [Kyle is telling Isabel about Shelby] ISABEL: maybe it's not so terrible. KYLE: What? ISABEL: Yeah. Wasn't she a few years ahead of us in school? She's probably 21 or so. And... KYLE: And? ISABEL: Jessie is older than I am. You can't predict who you'll have a connection to. KYLE: Whose side are you on? ISABEL: I always liked Shelby. She was really cool. KYLE: Stop. Listen, listen. It's sick. It's sick and deviant and humiliating. KYLE: Kyle, Don't worry about it, JIM: Hey! KYLE: Oh, crap. Hey. So, out for a public display-- oh, I mean, walk? SHELBY: Isabel Evans? Hi. How are you? ISABEL: Hi. SHELBY: Hi. ISABEL: Hi. JIM: We were just... Walking. KYLE: See you. JIM: Yeah. SHELBY: Bye, Kyle. ISABEL: Huh. You're right. It's sick. MICHAEL: So, Paul, you a football player? You look like a football player. KIDS: Hockey. MICHAEL: Hockey. There's a man's sport. What's your favorite team? KIDS: The rangers. MICHAEL: Ok, that's where we go our separate ways. MICHAEL: (to Maria) Wanna fetch me a Snapple? MARIA: What? MICHAEL: I'm dry as a bone here. Been talking all day. Come on, snowflake. MARIA: Michael, there's no way that I'm gonna- MICHAEL: Michael? I'm not Michael. I'm Santa. Paul, don't you think that snowflake should fetch Santa a Snapple? KIDS: Of course you should. You're an elf. MICHAEL: Exactly. And I'll need a foot rub later, too. MARIA: Uh, you know what, Santa? I think I have a Snapple in my little elf house. [Maria drags Michael into the elf house] MARIA: Fetch me a Snapple? MICHAEL: You're supposed to be Santa's helper. MARIA: Oh, that's a load of crap. You're doing this deliberately. MICHAEL: Doing what? MARIA: Trying to get back at me because I broke up with you. MICHAEL: Hey, snowflake, you're an elf. It's your job. Get over yourself. MARIA: Stop taunting me. MICHAEL: I'm not taunting you. Look, the reason that I did this to begin with was to get away from you. You think I wanna be here? Isabel roped me into this. MARIA: Then we'll keep to ourselves, and we'll be fine. MICHAEL: Fine. MARIA: Perfect. MICHAEL: I miss you. MARIA: I miss you, too. [Michael kisses Maria- they fall down on the floor kissing, and a kid walks up to the door and sees them] KIDS: It's Santa! Santa and snowflake are kissing. MICHAEL: We gotta hide. KIDS: Gross. Mommy, Santa and snowflake are doing it. They're doing it. MARIA: Get off. I can't my belt's stuck. I can't move. KIDS: Aah! [Isabel comes in and finds them sprawled on the floor] ISABEL: you two should go home and have a long talk with yourselves. And you--you begged me to be Santa. MARIA: You what? ISABEL: You're fired. Both of you. [Late at night, Max sneaks into Samuel's room] MAX: shh! It's ok. I'm sorry. There's someone I've been looking for. Sort of like I think your mom and dad have been looking for you. But I was looking in the wrong place. And...I think that's why you got so upset before. Because I wasn't really coming to you for you. I was doing it for myself. And you're smart enough to know that, aren't you? But tonight, I am here for you. I want to help you say the things you need to say. Ok? [Max puts his hands next to Samuel's head and uses his powers- the strain is hard on him- he is sweating and breathing hard as he finishes] [Silent night plays] MAX: Samuel? Samuel... Try to speak. It's ok to speak. It's ok to speak. Samuel? Samuel... [Samuel doesn't speak, and Max is disappointed] [Max is telling Liz about it] LIZ: So what happened? MAX: It didn't work. I couldn't heal him. LIZ: Well, maybe he didn't need to be healed. You heal people who are sick or hurt. But Samuel isn't sick or hurt. He's just different. MAX: Maybe I was trying to heal the wrong person. [Michael and Maria are sitting on the steps of her house talking] MARIA: Michael, no. I--look, I... I want to, but it's just... We're just gonna wake up tomorrow and things'll be... Like back to how they were. MICHAEL: That's not a problem for me. MARIA: Yeah, I know. Look, I think I should just go inside, ok? MICHAEL: Maria... I don't wanna be alone. It's Christmas. MARIA: Ok. Well, how about... I...Make us some hot chocolate and we just sit out here and talk? [Max is sitting with Isabel asking her to help him with Samuel] ISABEL: So...You want me to bring the mother and father into the child's dream? MAX: Can you? ISABEL: I've never done it before. MAX: But you've never tried it before. ISABEL: Max, why do you want me to do this? MAX: I want Samuel's parents to know their son. Whoever he is in there. ISABEL: Ok. Ahem. [Isabel touches Samuel's picture and goes into his dream- he is looking at a tree with a f*re truck under it- his parent's are watching- she touches their pictures and they are brought into the dream too, and see Samuel very happy- they smile as they watch themselves with their son] [Choir singing] [whistle blows] SAMUEL'S FATHER: ok, now it's time for the angel. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Honey, let's put the angel on the top of the tree. SAMUEL: I love you, mommy. SAMUEL: I love you, daddy. [Samuel's parents are crying with joy as Isabel looks on] MAX: Did it work? ISABEL: Yeah. Yeah, it worked. MAX: What's it like in his mind? ISABEL: It's beautiful. [The phone rings] SAMUEL'S MOTHER: hello? SAMUEL'S FATHER: I just had this dream. SAMUEL'S MOTHER: So did i. SAMUEL'S FATHER: it was so, uh... SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Real. SAMUEL'S FATHER: Can I come over? [Christmas morning at the Valenti house--] JIM: Morning, Kyle. KYLE: All right, here's the thing-- dad, if you're gonna date women half your age, I suppose I can't stop you, but if you're going to, I have some house rules. I don't wanna know about it. I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna see her walking around in the morning half-naked. JIM: Kyle- KYLE: I'm not done. It's one thing to get up onstage and make believe you're a rock star, but, dad, you've taken this whole mid-life crisis thing way too far. The creep factor here is... I'm young. I'm impressionable. JIM: We broke up. KYLE: You what? JIM: We put it on hold for a while. KYLE: Oh. Why? JIM: Well, there's a bit of an age difference, you know. KYLE: Is there? JIM: Just didn't feel right. KYLE: Dad, i hope you didn't do this because of me. JIM: Mm-mmm. She's awful cute, though, wasn't she? [Christmas morning at Jesse and Isabel's--] ISABEL: I'm sorry. I've canceled all our appointments for today. JESSE: You didn't have to. ISABEL: We've seen enough of my way of Christmas. Now I wanna see your way. JESSE: Heh heh. Why? ISABEL: Something suddenly struck me at 4:00 this morning. I realized that Christmas isn't really about being perfect. It's about family. You're my family now, so... [Christmas morning at Samuels- his parent's lift Samuel to put the angel on the tree, as in the dream- Max watches from outside- he smiles at Samuel, and puts a present on the wall] [Music plays] The first noel - the angel did say - was to certain poor shepherds - in fields as they lay - in fields where they lay keeping their sheep - on a cold winter's night that was so deep - noel, noel - noel, noel - born is the king of Israel - noel, noel - noel, noel - born is the king of Israel - MAX: must have been weird for you, seeing me with his family. LIZ: A little. MAX: It might make you worry about when I find my son. What that might mean for us. LIZ: Should I worry? MAX: No. I saw Samuel this morning with his family, and... It made me realize something-- that you, Liz... You're my family. [Max and Liz walk outside- they head to the lake and skate together while music plays- scenes of the other Roswell residents and their Christmas experiences are mixed with Max and Liz skating. Max and Liz kiss] Music playing- "Have yourself a merry little Christmas- let your heart be light - from now on, our troubles will be out of sight - through the years, we all will be together - if the fates allow - hang a shining star upon the highest bough - and have yourself merry little Christmas - now	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x09 - Samuel Rising"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "A Tale of Two Parties" Episode: 10 53rd Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA10 Written by: Laura Burns & Melinda Metz Directed by: Allan Kroeker Original Air Date: January 1, 2002 [New Year's day 7:31 AM: Jesse opens the door to the apartment, and finds Isabel and Kyle laying on the couch, her head is in his lap- Michael wakes up in Liz's bedroom] [acoustic guitar plays- Mr. Parker is singing] Mr. Parker: write me a postcard - 3 little words - draw me a picture - show me where you are.-.. [Michael moans] MICHAEL: hey. LIZ: Good morning. How you feeling? MICHAEL: Better. LIZ: Quite a night you had. MICHAEL: Yeah, both of us. What about Maria? LIZ: Who knows? I think that she and Max spent the night together. [Seven and a half hours earlier- Loud rumble- Max and Maria see lights over the hill] MARIA: thank you so much for this, Max. Really, I should have never doubted you. MAX: No problem. So you ready? MARIA: I've been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready. MAX: Then let's go. oh, i am what i am [New Year's Eve 6:32 PM- telephone rings] ISABEL: hello? JESSE: Don't be mad. ISABEL: Where are you? JESSE: Houston, and I just missed my connecting flight. [Sighs] ISABEL: it's ok. JESSE: No, it's not. I'm really sorry. ISABEL: It's fine. JESSE: Look, do me a favor? Don't just sit at home alone. Go out, have a good time, enjoy the night for both of us. ISABEL: I don't know. JESSE: Please, Isabel, it's bad enough I'm gonna be stuck in an airport, I don't want you to have a crappy New Year's, too. Please. ISABEL: Ok. [Liz is talking to Maria] LIZ: This isn't fair. MARIA: I'm really sorry, petunia, but in about 3 minutes I'm out of here. LIZ: You're never gonna find it. MARIA: Oh, please. This year, I'm gonna find it. Trust me. Mr. Parker: Find what? Enigma. LIZ: You know about enigma? Mr. Parker: I've only lived here all my life. That secret New Year's eve party has been going on since before I was your age. LIZ: Well, did you ever find it? Mr. Parker: Once. Did you dish up the tapioca? LIZ: 50 times. Dad... Mr. Parker: Daughter. LIZ: Come on, you don't really need me to be doing this. Mr. Parker: Liz, you and i have done this party together since you were, like, this high. It's a family tradition. LIZ: What, that I wait on a bunch of geriatrics for all eternity? Mr. Parker: I'll tell you what, when you're finally a resident of the desert inn retirement community, then you don't have to come here for New Year's eve. LIZ: Gee, thanks. [Sighs] MARIA: petunia, work on him. I have a feeling he'll weaken. Otherwise, I'll tell you about enigma tomorrow morning. Bye. [Michael comes into the backroom as Maria is clocking out- they bump into each other] MARIA: oh, sorry. MICHAEL: Sorry. [Laughs] MICHAEL: so enigma, huh? MARIA: Yep. And no, I don't think it's lame or stupid or any of the other 50 insults you're about to spew out. MICHAEL: I wasn't going to spew. Just talking. MARIA: So what are you doing tonight? MICHAEL: I don't know. TV, play-station... Something. MARIA: Alone? MICHAEL: Yeah. MARIA: What about Max? Why don't you two go, I don't know, look for a party or something? MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, he's the original party animal. I'd rather surf the tube. Have fun. MARIA: Hey, wait. You wanna come find enigma with me? MICHAEL: Wouldn't that violate the whole "we're not dating anymore" thing? MARIA: It's not a date. It's a scavenger hunt looking for party clues, and 2 heads are better than one. No midnight kiss, no pawing in the back seat. We just find the party and then go our separate ways till dawn. Deal? MICHAEL: Deal. [Kyle is praying in front of his Buddha statue] [exhales] KYLE: thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed... [Coughs] on to more terrestrial concerns. It's been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight. [Knock on door] KYLE: oh, thank you! But if that's a Jehovah's witness, I'm coming back here. [Knock knock knock] ISABEL: hi. KYLE: Hey. ISABEL: Kyle Valenti, it is your lucky night. Rudolph's shiny New Year! No? KYLE: No, I can't. I'm going out. ISABEL: On New Year's eve? KYLE: Yeah, imagine that. KYLE: I'm going to that enigma thing. ISABEL: Really? Do you know where it is? KYLE: No, but I'm going to find out. ISABEL: Hmm. Or you could save yourself the aggravation and buddy up here with Rudolph and his shiny New Year. Oh, and... I brought goobers. KYLE: Tempting, but no. ISABEL: Jesse missed his flight and is stuck in Houston. I had this whole romantic evening planned and I had to scrap it. KYLE: Boo-hoo. ISABEL: Kyle, it's enigma. KYLE: Yeah, it's just sex, drugs, and whatever's passing for rock and roll these days. Why would I want to go there? ISABEL: Ok, fine. Well, do you mind if an old married lady tags along? [Sighs] KYLE: ok, but I'm warning you, I'm a man on a mission: Sex or death. So don't get in my way, and don't cramp my style. ISABEL: You have style? KYLE: Hey! ISABEL: Ok, hey. Let's go. Where's the first clue? KYLE: At the high school. Mr. Seligman's room. All right. Bring the goobers. I'm driving. [Laughs] [Max and Liz are talking] LIZ: I'm sorry. MAX: It's all right. I had a feeling he wasn't going to let you get off work. LIZ: So what are you gonna do? MAX: Go back to Michael's and avoid New Year's rockin' eve. LIZ: Why don't you just go out with Maria and Michael? To enigma? LIZ: Uh-huh. MAX: I'm not really a party guy, Liz. I'm more of A... One-on-one guy. LIZ: Well, I like one-on-one, but parties are very fun, too. No, seriously, when was the last time that you went out and had fun at a party with people you didn't know? MAX: I don't know. LIZ: Exactly. Come on, there's no reason both of us should have a crummy New Year's. MAX: I'd feel like a third wheel. LIZ: No, you would be a guy hanging out with his 2 best friends on New Years, and you'd be having a really good time. Right? MAX: I need more convincing. [Liz kisses Max] MAX: I almost believed it- LIZ: good-bye. I have to go back downstairs. MAX: All right. Ok. But on one condition: Midnight comes and we're together. LIZ: How are we gonna do that? I'm gonna be downstairs and you are gonna be out- MAX: we find a way. Somehow, some way, we make it happen. LIZ: Max. MAX: Liz. LIZ: Ok. We'll find a way. MAX: Ok. See you at midnight. [Liz is greeting guests arriving for the Crashdown party] LIZ: make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Thank you so much. Happy New Year. Mr. Parker: Ok, watch your step. Oh, thank you. LIZ: Don't forget to make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Here we go. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. There you go. Yep. Make your resolution one time a year. Happy New Year. Here you go. Jane: Hi, Liz. LIZ: Hi. Jane: Jane Covendall. We met a couple of months ago, remember? The movie thing? LIZ: Oh, yes, i do. Hi, how are you? Jane: Out to pasture, but I'm doing just fine now. How are you? LIZ: I'm ok. Jane: Who's the "guy Lombardo" over there? LIZ: Ah, that's Jim Valenti and his band, the kit shickers. Jane: Did you just say- LIZ: no, no, no. It's the kit shickers. It sounds bad, but it isn't. Jane: Mm-hmm. Well, I sure hope those bastards can play. [Mr Parker walks up to Liz] LIZ: Uh, hi. How about a compromise? I will stay for the party, but then once we've done the whole stupid "pretend it's midnight at 10:30 thing" I'm outta here. Ok? Mr. Parker: First of all, when you're 80 and you wanna be in bed by 11:00, you might not think it's so stupid. Second of all, I'm not gonna get stuck with doing all the clean-up myself. LIZ: Ugh! Mr. Parker: And third, I don't want you and Max catting around the desert all night. LIZ: Catting around? Mr. Parker: Sweetie, your plans for this evening are set. [Michael, Max and Maria are breaking into the school] MICHAEL: Watch it. MAX: Don't pull. MAX: You know this is breaking and entering. MARIA: Well, if we get caught, we'll party in jail. MICHAEL: The girl wants to party. MARIA: This is the first clue. Hut, hut. That's football, right? Maybe the party's on the football field. I don't know. That's too easy. MICHAEL: So why are you really here? MAX: What are you talking about? I'm looking for enigma. MICHAEL: Did Liz put you up to this? Are you a chaperone for me and Maria or something? MAX: It's New Year's eve, and I'm looking for a party, ok? Hey, I know how to party. MARIA: All right, this is what i gather. It's a quarterback's call, and their is a number 7. Dave Lambert is number 7. MICHAEL: Who's Dave Lambert? MARIA: The star quarterback at Isabel's college. Anyway, so Julia says- MICHAEL: who's Julia? MARIA: That's Julia. Dave Lambert's fraternity is having a party, which is probably where the next clue to enigma is. So let's go. Out the window, Guerin. Oh, Max, listen, this chaperone thing, I know that Liz put you up to it, but Michael and I, we're clear that this is not a date. MAX: I'm not a chaperone. I'm really looking for the party. MARIA: Right. Ok. [Kyle laughs as he and Isabel enter the garage] ISABEL: and whose car is this? KYLE: My boss Toby's. And these would be the keys. ISABEL: What if we get caught? KYLE: We won't. ISABEL: How many blue vipers are there in Roswell? KYLE: One. ISABEL: One. And, I'm sorry, how many people have access to this garage after hours, besides your boss? KYLE: One. ISABEL: Yeah, we're gonna get caught. Maybe, but this thing's a chick magnet, Isabel. I've seen it work. I'll take the risk. Get in. [Isabel uses her powers to turn the car yellow] KYLE: Whoa, man! ISABEL: I'm not really in a risk-taking mood. I hope this doesn't cramp your style. KYLE: Yellow wasn't my first choice, but that's cool. [Jim's band is playing at the Crashdown ] JIM: thank you. Thank you very much. Jane: They're good. LIZ: Yeah, they're good. Jane: But you wish you were someplace else? Jane: No, I don't. Jane: Don't shick a shicker. [Laughs] LIZ: you... You're funny. Jane: Boy trouble? LIZ: Um, well, sort of. My parents don't really approve of my boyfriend. Jane: I'm having the same problem. LIZ: Really? Jane: You see that crotchety old couple over there? My mom and dad. You'd think they'd leave Frank and me be by now, but no. LIZ: Uh, well, which one is Frank? Jane: Oh, he's not here. New year's means a lot to them, kind of a sentimental thing, you know. So frank goes out with his buddies at the V.F.W., And I give them this one night of the year. LIZ: But don't you mind being apart on New Year's? Jane: Oh, sure we do, but... Well, your parents won't always be there, and besides... We have phone sex at midnight. [Country music playing] JIM: looking for a heartache like you I've been looking for a heartache like you I know. [Kyle and Isabel are working on the clues] KYLE: It's an easy clue. An easy clue. See, the hut hut part meant the falafel hut across the street, and the 24 and the 7 run either side of the 2 zeros, so here we are at the site of the next clue. Nice car, huh? GIRLS: Yeah. Yeah. KYLE: Jerky? GIRLS: No, thanks. No, thanks. MAN: : Hey! I'm gonna ask you a question from the future. KYLE: Yes. MAN: Are those your teeth lying on the ground? KYLE: Bye-bye. ISABEL: You know, I think they liked you. KYLE: Yeah, they way you like a monkey in a little hat. I was just entertainment till the real men showed up. ISABEL: Is this a confidence issue? Because women can detect insecurity a mile away, Kyle. KYLE: Do you detect it? ISABEL: No. I'm married. My radar's been dismantled. Look, women want an alpha male, you know? You gotta exude confidence. KYLE: Confidence? ISABEL: Yeah. KYLE: All right. ISABEL: It can't be that hard, Kyle. I mean, you used to date girls. KYLE: Look, it's been a long time, all right? I used to be a fun guy. I used to have fun, but then the alien invasion happened, and I sorta-- my social life started to suck. ISABEL: Yeah. KYLE: Did you find the next clue in there or what? ISABEL: No. I think your whole falafel hut theory was a little off. Yeah. Come on, let's go. KYLE: Where we goin'? ISABEL: To find you a new social life. Drop the jerky. [Party music blaring] well, everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free i can feel the whole shack shuttin' in on me so let's make this party shine everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free... MAN: Party! Whoo! MAN2: Dude, it's empty, bro. MAN: What do you mean it's empty, man? We just tapped it. MAN2: It's empty. Dude, it's empty. This is the last one. It's all gone. MAN: Not--not so loud. Not so loud. W Girl: Hey, aren't you in my astronomy class? MAX: No, not really. W Girl: I swear, I've seen you before. W Girl: Hmm, are you with anyone tonight? It is New Year's. MAX: Uh, yeah, my girlfriend's meeting me later. W Girl: That's too bad. Hey, uh, we're running out of beer. Could you be a dear and start a collection for a new keg? MAX: Uh, why don't I check and see if the keg is really empty first? MAN3: Aw, come on! Come on! You're out of beer?! MAX: Uh, hey, maybe i can help. MAN: What?! What are you, a townie? MAX: Seriously, I, uh--I have a way with these things. MAN: Be my guest, please. MAX: sometimes it's this, uh--this thing up here that just-- you gotta make sure it's-- I don't know. Give that a sht. [Max uses his powers to fill the keg with beer] MAN: Oh! Oh, man! There was nothin' in there. That was empty. MAX: Apparently not. [All cheering, whooping] all: Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie... DAVE: Now get out of here. MARIA: Dave! Hey. DAVE: Hey. How are you? DAVE: How are you? MARIA: Good. Listen, I'm looking for a party. DAVE: There's a party right here, baby. Do you know of any clues for enigma? MARIA: Hey. Oh! MICHAEL: Where's the keg? Ok, this is so not the right place. [Several guys carry Max in on their shoulders] GUYS: : Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Yeah! Too much, brother. Good stuff, man, really- MARIA: Max. Max, we're in the wrong place. I've--I've talked to everyone. I've flirted with half a dozen of these bozos. No one's ever heard of enigma. I even let Dave Lambert touch my ass. MAX: Did Michael see that? MARIA: The chaperone speaks. I don't know. And it doesn't matter, 'cause we're not together. MAX: Where is Michael? [Michael is drinking heavily] MICHAEL: Hey. MAX: Look at me. MICHAEL: Sorry, I only have eyes for Maria. But she's handing her butt out to total strangers. What's that about? MAX: Michael, what are you doing? I told you what happened the one and only time I got drunk. My powers went crazy. MICHAEL: I'm fine. I got no... Power problems whatsoever. MAX: All right. I want you to stand up. Come on, we're going. MICHAEL: Ow! MAX: What's the matter? MICHAEL: That's a kller grip, man. Oh, it's loud in here now. MAX: Yeah. Can you walk? MICHAEL: It's bright. It's really bright. MICHAEL: Right, Max, what's on me? Max, what's on my back?! MAX: It's your shirt. MICHAEL: No, no, Max, I got some-- Max, I'm on fre! I'm on fre! Max, I'm on fre! I'm on fre! I'm on fre! MAX: Michael, Michael, let's go. MICHAEL: Max, I'm on fre! I'm on fre! I'm on fre! I'm on fre! Put it out! Put it out! I'm on fre! [Michael rolls on the ground thinking he is on fre as Max and Maria look on] MARIA: he's drunk? MICHAEL: Uhh! Too loud. MAX: Yeah. MARIA: So, wait a minute. My New Year's eve isn't being ruined by some life-threatening, hot flash alien disease. It's because Michael's drunk? MAX: I think the alcohol affected his senses. Some sort of sensory overload. Everything's too bright, too loud. MARIA: So, I guess the search for enigma's over. MAX: No, it's still early. He could just- MICHAEL: eww, what's that stench? Is that you? MARIA: I don't have a stench. MAX: It might be your perfume. MICHAEL: Smells like road kll. MARIA: It's 50 bucks an ounce, man. MICHAEL: It still stinks. MARIA: You know, you're an ass, man! MICHAEL: Aah! [Michael falls to the ground] MARIA: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! MAX: Quick, get in the car. Come on. [Back at the Crashdown, Liz is calling out bingo numbers] LIZ: All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. And the first ball out is spaceship 17. Mark that one if you've got it, spaceship 17. Spaceship 1-7. JIM: She seems to be having a good time. Mr. Parker: Yep. Go figure. An hour ago... JIM: Yeah? Mr. Parker: You'd have thought she'd been sentenced to work here tonight. [Liz calls another number] Mr. Parker: Jim, can I ask you something? JIM: Sure. Mr. Parker: What do you think about Max Evans? JIM: Honestly? I think a great deal of him. I think he's a very special kid. Mr. Parker: I used to think so, too. He always seemed like a responsible, straight ahead kid. But then, it's- JIM: listen, this is a tough age. I mean, take it from a father of a teenage boy. They up and do things that... Jeff, I--I can't honestly sit here and give you the boys-will-be-boys routine. Max screwed up big time. He put your daughter in danger. There's no excuse for that. And since you seem to be asking my opinion... I think Max is a good kid who made a big mistake, but I truly believe that he's learned from it. And I think he really does love your daughter... And deserves a second chance. JANE: Bingo! Bingo! Ha ha! [Maria comes in and calls Liz to the kitchen] MARIA: Night from hell! Night from hell! LIZ: What's up? MARIA: Michael's up. Very up. Come here. [As they enter Liz's room, Michael is floating over the bed] LIZ: oh, my god! MARIA: Shh. Shh. Shh. Look, his senses are super, super heightened, so, if the lights are too bright, or if he hears anything really loud, it really, really hurts. MICHAEL: Like your whispering is doing right now. [Isabel and Kyle enter the party] KYLE: This is a college. This is a college party at a frat house. Why am i here? ISABEL: Because you need to set your sights a little higher than high school. KYLE: But I am in high school. ISABEL: Yes, but they don't know that. KYLE: That's true. ISABEL: Yeah. Ok, so pick one. KYLE: Ooh, how 'bout her? How 'bout her? ISABEL: Ok, that's Sally Reynolds. She's in my philosophy class. Not your type. She's a nihilist. Would never get your sense of humor. KYLE: How 'bout those 2 brunettes over there? ISABEL: Ok, that one right there is Kim Langstrom. She's actually really very nice, but she's got a laugh like breaking glass. The other one, Bernadette Tahoe- GIRL: hey- ISABEL: yeah, she's dumb as a fence post and only likes girls. KYLE: Well, there's gotta be someone. ISABEL: Oh, oh! You see that girl right there talking to the jock, who knows that everything he's telling her is total crap? KYLE: Yeah, yeah. ISABEL: That's bitsy. KYLE: Bitsy? ISABEL: Yeah, I know, she's got a stupid name. Trust me, Kyle, she's the girl of your dreams. [Girl laughs loudly] ISABEL: yeah, breaking glass. Ok, let's go meet her. Just be cool. Bitsy, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Kyle. BITSY: Hi, nice to meet you. KYLE: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. [Back at Liz's house, Max is still trying to help Michael] MAX: how's that? MARIA: Is he gonna live? MAX: I think he's past the rough stuff. We should leave him be for a few minutes. Think anyone'll notice if I duck into the bathroom? Go for it. LIZ: My dad's still calling bingo. Mr. Parker: Ok, this is for the big money. Comin' down, comin' down, and it is... MARIA: What a great New Year's eve. LIZ: I know. Did you have any luck finding enigma? MARIA: No. LIZ: Well, you still have plenty of time. MARIA: But what's the point? My evening's set. I mean, I'm just gonna be stuck here baby-sitting a drunken alien. LIZ: You know, he didn't mean to ruin everything. I know. [Michael can hear Marian and Liz talking] MARIA: And anyway, it's my fault for inviting him, but it's just, like, we keep doing this dance. It's like we're dating, we're together, then we're not together, but it's like we're still together. Nothing ever changes. [Traffic loud in head] LIZ: maybe you don't really want anything to change. MARIA: Maybe. Or maybe neither one of us is strong enough or crazy enough to break the cycle. Mr. Parker: Meteor 26. Meteor 26. MARIA: Is my life really gonna be like this from now on? I mean, every-- no matter what I do or say, I just somehow get roped back into an alien crisis? I can't even get one night off to find a stupid party. [Back at the college Party, Isabel and Kyle are talking to Bitsy] KYLE: And then the quarterback said, "throw me the chicken," and I did. ISABEL: Ha ha ha! He's hilarious. I told you he's hilarious. No, but really, Kyle, you've changed since then. Kyle's a Buddhist now. It's really inspirational. KYLE: Wanna talk religion? BITSY: Ok, but tell me you're not just some guy with a fat Buddha statue who prays to get laid on Friday night. KYLE: No, I do--I do have a statue. I do. And I do pray on Friday nights sometimes, yes. BITSY: And you're honest. KYLE: I try. BITSY: You succeed. KYLE: Is that good? BITSY: Very. ISABEL: Ok, I'm gonna go get some drinks. You guys want anything? BITSY: I'm ok. KYLE: Me, too. ISABEL: Ok, I'll be back whenever. KYLE: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just--I just wanted to say thanks for, you know. ISABEL: My pleasure. BITSY: Isabel's nice. KYLE: Yeah, yeah. She is, she is. [Back at the Crashdown] MAX: I'm gonna head back to the school for a second. LIZ: Why? MAX: Something about that clue in the bar keeps bugging me. MARIA: Max, would you drop the act already? MAX: It's not an act. Mr. Parker: Liz, it's almost 10:30. LIZ: Uh--sorry, sorry, dad. I'll be right there. Mr. Parker: Hey, Max? MAX: Yeah? Mr. Parker: Where you goin'? What kind of boyfriend isn't with his girl at midnight? Don't you have any class? Tick-tock. JIM: Here we go. 10, 9... ALL: 8, 7, 6... 5, 4, 3... 2, 1... Happy New Year! [All cheer] ALL: (singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne? [Max is helping the people leave the diner] JANE: Come on, Max, let's get a move on. I gotta make a phone call at midnight, and I ain't gonna be late. MAX: Yes, ma'am. LIZ: Oh, Maria, come on. You don't have to do that. MARIA: What's the point? I'm stuck here, anyway, so- MICHAEL: hey, Maria? MARIA: What are you doing up? You shouldn't be up. MICHAEL: Can I talk to you in the back for a minute? Mr. Parker: Lizzy, that's good enough. I can finish up. LIZ: What are you talking about, dad? The place is a mess. Mr. Parker: That's ok. I can take care of it. Why don't you, um... Why don't you 2 go out and have a real New Year's? LIZ: Dad. Mr. Parker: Well, I put a resolution on the cactus. It said, "give second chances." [Michael and Maria are talking] MICHAEL: I'm fine, all right? I want you to get back out there and find enigma. MARIA: Where is this coming from? MICHAEL: You're being way too self-sacrificing. I want you to have a night off from all this alien crap. You know, we keep doing this dance, and- MARIA: you heard me and-- you heard me and Liz from all the way up there? MICHAEL: Maria, you were right. Someone's gotta break the cycle. We're not together, that's fine. We're still friends, and friends can go their separate ways to have a good time on New Year's eve. I want you to go out there and find enigma. LIZ: Well, you see, the thing is, I-- I also put a resolution on the cactus. It said, "remember that your parents won't always be there." MAX: So, you want to stay. LIZ: Well, yeah, 'cause Crashdown New Year's-- it's like this, um-- this family tradition. I think my dad deserves one night a year. I'm sorry. I know we promised that we'd be together at midnight. MAX: We were... At Crashdown midnight. LIZ: Yeah, I guess that counts. MAX: Listen, I'll, uh, I'll stay, too. You know, just help you clean up. LIZ: You--you--you really want to go to enigma, don't you? MAX: Well... LIZ: My god, look at you. MAX: Yeah, I just don't want to go by myself. MARIA: Heh heh heh. Who still wants to find a party? LIZ: Oh, I think that might be this guy right here. MARIA: Oh, Max, the chaperone thing, really, it's getting old and it's just completely unnecessary right now. MAX: All right, that's it. I'm going to that party. Wish me luck. LIZ: Good luck. MAX: Let's go. Party train's leaving. MARIA: Is he serious? LIZ: Very. Oh, wait, what happened with Michael? MARIA: Uh, he, uh, gave me the night off. LIZ: Ooh, good for you. Is he ok? MARIA: Yeah, he's fine. [Horn honks] MARIA: I can't believe I'm going to enigma! You don't mind? LIZ: No--rent my boyfriend for the evening? Go ahead. MARIA: Ok. Bye. Thanks. Bye. [Kyle and Isabel put the car back] ISABEL: You're sure you're not disappointed? KYLE: Aw, what are you talking about? I got the girl's phone number. ISABEL: Yeah, but you wanted to get laid. KYLE: Look, I got a college girl's phone number. I'm way ahead of the game. ISABEL: And you gotta know when to hold 'em and... KYLE: Know when to fold 'em. ISABEL: Know when to walk away... KYLE: Know when to run KYLE: hey, thanks. I--I had a really good time. ISABEL: Yeah, me, too. But you know, the night is not over yet. KYLE: It's not? ISABEL: No. It's over an hour till midnight. KYLE: Ok. Well, then, what do you want to do? ISABEL: How much do you love me? [Kyle imagines kissing Isabel] KYLE: Oh, oh, oh! Rudolph's shiny New Year? ISABEL: Please? KYLE: Oh, the sacrifices I make for my friends. ISABEL: Thank you. You're the best. KYLE: Don't be a complete idiot. [Max and Maria are back at the chalkboard looking at clues] MAX: So, all we know for sure is that 7 does not stand for Dave Lambert's jersey number. MARIA: Zero, 24, 7, zero. MAX: What if it's a math puzzle? I mean, if we assume that the zeros are place-holders for integers that-- [gasps] MARIA: oh! 24/7. It's so simple, it's painful! [Maria and Max arrive at Bud's 27/7] MAX: This feels like the right place. MARIA: Hey, have you found any clues? MAN: No, not yet. Hey, is that Max Evans? MAX: Yeah. Uh, Daryl, right? MAN: Yeah. So, what are you doin', man? MAX: What do you mean? MAN: I mean, out...At night. On New Year's eve? MAX: I'm looking for a party. MAN: Right. MARIA: Max! Psst! I think I found one of the clues, but I don't know what it means. MAX: Where? It's right behind me. MAX: The flyer? MARIA: It's not a real flyer. So, one of these specials must be the clue. Blue moon quesedilla. There's no such thing. But what does that mean? MAX: Blue moon quesedilla. Blue moon...Blue... Blue Moon canyon. [Gasps] MARIA: that's it! Ok... Let's walk back to the car nice and easy, like we haven't found a thing. [Back atht he Crashdown, Michael is on the floor as Liz walks in] LIZ: Michael. Michael! Michael, are you-- are you ok? MICHAEL: I fell off the couch. Keep your voice down. LIZ: I thought you told Maria that you were ok. MICHAEL: I lied. LIZ: Easy! MICHAEL: Ok. My whole body is like one big bruise. Mr. Parker: What the hell?! LIZ: Dad, can you help us? Mr. Parker: What happened? LIZ: He just drank too much. Mr. Parker: Well, let's get him upstairs. LIZ: Yeah, just put him in my bed, and I'll sleep down here. MICHAEL: Oh, my head! [Maria and Max are looking for the party] MARIA: You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble. It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again. MAX: Yeah, well, I have to live with him. That's enough. MARIA: Are you sure we're on Juarez road? MAX: Positive. MARIA: Then where's the turn-off to blue moon canyon? MAX: Another 3 or 4 miles. [Isabel and Kyle are falling asleep on the couch] KYLE: Isabel? ISABEL: Hmm? KYLE: It's 5 seconds till midnight. ISABEL: Mm. Happy New Year. KYLE: Happy New Year, Isabel. [The Parker's are putting Michael to bed, as Maria and Max are walking towards the party] LIZ: Oh, oh. Wait, wait! MAX: So, are you ready? MARIA: I've been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready. [The next morning, Jesse comes home to find Kyle and Isabel on the couch. Liz and Michael are talking in the diner] MICHAEL: You won't tell Maria? LIZ: What, that you slept in my bed? No, as long as you promise not to tell Max. MICHAEL: Deal. [Kyle, Jesse and Isabel come into the diner] ISABEL: Hi. LIZ: Hey, Jesse. Hey, how was Houston? JESSE: Cold and uncomfortable. Spent the night in the airport. LIZ: What? You're kidding. JESSE: Yeah, I wish I was. New year's eve, all alone, and then I come home to find my wife asleep with another man. LIZ: What? KYLE: Morality has no place on New Year's eve. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. ISABEL: The lesson is, never leave me alone. Ever. JESSE: Lesson learned. KYLE: So, I assume nobody found that enigma thing, right? MICHAEL: I wouldn't be too sure of that. MAX: and MARIA: (singing)I feel so alive for the very first time and I can't deny you... KYLE: You found it? I don't believe it. MARIA: Oh, yes, we found it, closed it, did it! MICHAEL: That's unbelievable. LIZ: Tell us everything. MARIA: Ok, well, first we-- we go all the way back to the classroom for clues. KYLE: It was at the falafel hut, right? MAX: The what? MICHAEL: Let her tell the story. MARIA: Thank you, Michael. Anyway, as i was saying-- hi. MR. PARKER: The kitchen is open. Orders? [The g*ng orders food as the scene fades out] End of show	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x10 - A Tale of Two Parties"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "I Married an Alien" Episode: 11 54th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA11 Written by: Ronald D. Moore Directed by: Patrick Norris Original Air Date: January 29, 2002 Doorbell Rings. Isabel opens the door to Max and Michael Isabel : Honey the painters are here. Michael: Yeah thats funny. Come on move out of the way, this crap is heavy. Jesse: Hey Guys Max: Hey Jesse: You sure you don't want me to stay and help out. Michael: Uh, actually there's a uh couple of cans outside. Isabel: But they can manage. Max: Right, our treat. Seriously its a, its a housewarming gift from us to you Michael: Yeah and a wedding gift, its combined. Isabel: (laughs) Don't be silly. The wedding gift will be seperate. Michael: Of course it will. Isabel: Hmm. Jesse: Well its, its just very generous of you to take your Saturday out to paint our apartment. Max: Ah it won't take us that long we're pretty fast. Isabel: Come on, Honey. You're going to be late, my dad hates late. Jesse: Ok, allright, uh see you guys later and thanks. Isabel: Bye (kisses jesse) Have fun. Michael: No problem. Isabel closes the door. Michael: You know you could've probably done this yourself. Isabel: Right, Jesse was going to let his wife paint the entire apartment all by herself. Max: You know what colour you want? Isabel: Tusant Ochre or ? brick red. Michael: Here we go. Isabel: I need to see it in this space. So, uh Max you take ochre to that wall. And Michael you take red to that one, k then I'll decide. Maybe. Michael and Max go to there seperate walls and place their hands on the wall. It then changes to the colour they are holding. Michael: I'm exahausted. Im takin a break. Max: Like the ochre. Isabel: Hmm. Michael turns on the tv. A rerun of Bewitched is playing. Samantha: Now I don't know whats going to happen... Michael: Oh Nichalodeon's having a marathon of Bewitched. My weekends set. Isabel: Who are you and what have you done to Michael? Max: The whole Maria thing. Ever since they broke up he's been getting into the tube. Its getting pathetic. Michael: Oh, this is the one where Samantha turns Darren into a goose. Thats good. Max: You need a hobby man. Michael: What like golf? Ridin around in some stupid cart? Jesse starts opening the door. Isabel: op Jessie oh Gosh. She runs for the door. And slams and locks it as he is opening it. Jesse: Hey Isabel, its me. Isabel: Sorry honey, theres a ladder in front of the door. Hold on one Second. Max and Michael quickly change the room back to its original color. Max: Oh no, thats wrong, it was a Navaho white. Thats more eggshell. Michael: And im the one who needs a hobby. Jesse: Everything ok in there? Isabel: Yeah its fine, its fine, yeah sorry, (opens door)sorry. Forget something? Jesse goes into the hall closet for his golf balls. Jesse: Yeah, my balls. Michael bursts out laughing. Jesse: Were you guys just talking about me? Isabel: Thats a little paranoid dont you think? I mean the whole world doesnt evolve around you. Max: It revolves around Michael. Michael: Uh thats a fact. Jesse: OK, Bye. Isabel: Bye (kisses Jesse and closes the door) Michael: That was fun. Isabel: (looking at the tv) She had it so easy. Michael: What are you talking about? Take a look beyond the surface and you'll see the truth. Samantha takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made to suffer for it in an uncaring secular world. Shes a modern day Athena. Isabel: hmm (chuckling) Max: Swell my head's gonna explode. Isabel: Well At least Darren knew she was a witch, shes not having to run around hiding her powers from her own husband. Well think about how much easier my life would be if Jesse could just know who I really am. Michael: Yeah that'd be a classic show. You could call it I married an Alien. Isabel: Huh, Yeah (watching the show again, thinking) Isabel and Jesse in a sitcom on the tv. Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car. Isabel: Sorry dear. They hug. Isabel: Yeah that would be some show. Fades to black and brings up a classic I Married and Alien screen. With a little cartoon. Isabel: (clapping in the background) Well this is certainly no way to start a morning. Uses her powers to clean up the kitchen. Isable: hmm I think we'll have french toast, and sausage (uses her powers to get the bread and ingredients) Jesse walks in (with clapping in the background) Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you no alien powers in the house. (sniffs) Is that french toast? Isabel: (lifts lid to frying pan) Um hmm. Jesse: Well maybe just this once. (laughter in the background) Back to reality Jesse: Good Morning. Isabel: Good Morning honey. Jesse: Ahh Isabel: K, Here's this (handing Jesse a cup of coffee) This time, I think I have really... burnt it again. I think there's something wrong with the stove. (Squirts syrup on the french toast she burnt) Jesse: mm Well the orange juice is perfect. Isabel. Hmm good, fresh squeezed. Jesse tries the french toast. Jesse: mm (spits it out) Isabel: Ok, oh its 8:58. Jesse: Oh Gosh, I gotta go. Isabel: Yeah Jesse: I got an appointment with Judge Lincoln(?)..at 9:15... If it was anyone else. Isabel: I know (kisses Jesse) Great to study (?) Jesse: I'll see you later. Isabel: Ok. Back to sitcom. Kyle walks into the apartment. Clapping in the background. Kyle: Hello. Isabel: Hello Kyle. Kyle: Know what this is? Isabel: A carberator. Kyle: No... its a carbera... How'd you know that? Isabel: Im a modern woman. Kyle: Right. Anyway it may look like a carborator, but in reality its a gold mine. They sit down to the kitchen table. Isabel: hmm its a little small for a gold mine don't you think? Kyle: Yes but what if this were a special carberator. One that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon. Isabel: Kyle. Kyle: 200 Isabel: You know Jesse doesnt like it when I use my powers in your get rich quick schemes. Kyle: Scheme, scheme, what scheme? This isnt a scheme this is a gift to mankind. Isabel: Oh. So I suppose if its a gift you wont be charging money for it. Kyle: Well its not a free gift. (laughing in the background) Back to reality. Isabel: Why do you always come to me with these things. Kyle: I'm sorry, but I couldnt figure it out and Tobey's been on my ass all week. All it has to do is work, it doesnt even have to work well. Just so it works. Isabel: All right (touches the carberator) Kyle: Thank you...(claps Isabel on the shoulder) Isabel: mm Back to the sitcom. Knock on the door and in walks Maria. Maria: Hey ho. Everyone doing fine. Lots of fun and laughs around the old Remerez house mmm...(Isabel smiles) good. Now, where is that good for nothing boyfriend of mine. Isabel: (looking sheepish) Got me. Kyle: I was just leaving (gets up to leave) Maria grabs Kyles ear. Maria: Not so fast, Valenti. Kyle: (squirming) Okay, okay, okay. Hes on Neptune. Maria: Neptune. He was just there last week. Kyle: Hes buying you a present for your birthday. Maria: (claps her hands) Oh A present for me. What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? How much is he going to spend tell me everything. Back to reality. Maria: So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know. Kyle: Whats the harm? Isabel: Well the harm is that a birthday dinner by definition is sentimental. Maria: And sentimental leads to a goodnight kiss. Isabel: Goodnight kiss leads to sex. Kyle: (looking bewildered) I should write that down. Maria: Anyway the reason i'm here is, my birthday is next week and I was kindof thinking that I need some change. Isabel: You want me to lengthen your hair again? Maria: Y'Maybe, you know, or maybe not, maybe I just want some color or some like highlights this time. Doorbell rings. Isabel: Maria, I am not your personal hair genie. Isabel gets up to get the door. Isabel: Yes Eric: Hi. A-are you Isabel? Isabel: Yes. Eric: Um. I'm Eric. Eric Hughes. Jesse's friend from cornell. Isabel: From Cornell...of course come in. Come in I'm sorry. Eric: Thank you Isabel: Come in. So what are you doing here? Eric: Uh well, I just had a gig in Texas, and I thought that New Mexico was next door so... Eric sees Maria and Kyle. Eric: Hi (waves) Maria and Kyle wave back. Isabel: Thats so great. Jesse's going to be so excited to see you. He was so disappointed to hear that you couldnt make it to the wedding. Eric: I know I'm sorry about that. Isabel: Don't worry about it. Eric: No no I had the best intentions, uh I was on the road, and I was going to drive straight through from Atlanta , but then I got kinda sidetracked I got this gig in St. Paul and another in Chicago... Isabel: Oh, are you a musician? Eric: (laughs) No no I'm a reporter. Back to Sitcom. Isabel: A Reporter... Maria: mmm we should be... Kyle: Leaving what a good idea. They get up to leave. Kyle: Bye Isabel. Eric: Must say I was surprised to hear old Jesse was getting hitched. You must be somethin out of the ordinary. Isabel: Me? No. (laughs nervously) So, How long will you be staying in Roswell? Eric: Um, until I find me a story. My editor's been driving me crazy. Says I have to come up with a slam bang piece of investigative journalism something that really knocks the lid of the place. Or else I gotta find me another line of work. Back to reality Isabel: You have to stay, Jesse is so excited to see you, hes always talking about you and the guys from the fraturnity. Eric: Its all good I hope. Isabel: Well, he glosses over the good stuff. Makes it sound like you spent all your free time discussing and studying ? philosophy. Eric: (laughs) He must be a lawyer. They sit down on the couch. Eric: Um I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch, I'll try not to get in the way. Who knows maybe while im here I can get myself a story. This is Roswell after all, So know where I can find any aliens? They both laugh. Isabel nervously looks away. Later that evening... Eric: Yeah I got an e-mail from Keith the other day. He says hes going to join the peace corps. Jesse: Come on hes been saying that for years. He doesnt even like dirt hows he going to dig wells for people Eric: In coming... They drink a beer as Isabel brings in bedding. Isabel: Well you can take the boys out of college... Jesse: Sorry Eric: Oh my gosh, I dont believe you guys still have this cd. Jesse: Oh Eric: Prepare to enter the time shift. Jesse laughs. Isabel: I think that s my cue to go to bed. Jesse: Oh come on its early. Come on. Isabel: Early nineties maybe. I dont think so. Goodnight. Isabel kisses Jesse Goodnight. Jesse: Goodnight. Eric puts on a cd. In the bedroom Isabel worrys over what this new revelation could mean. The guys get confortable on the couch drinking beer. Eric: Just like the good old days man, where s the bmb? Jesse: Shhh she doesnt know I used to get high? Eric: What? What your keeping secrets from your wife? Jesse: I dont know were just still getting to know each other. Eric: Hey dude your supposed to do that before you get married. Jesse: mm In a perfect world... Eric: Well how many secrets are you keeping from her? Jesse: Hmm. Not as many as she has. Eric: What? Jesse: Nothing. Eric: Come on dude. Look who your talking to. Je- must I remind you of the notorious the infamous Kate Hopkins episode? They laugh. Eric: And her monsterous lacross playing 6 foot 3 boyfriend... Jesse: Yeah you saved my ass. I remember. Eric: Yeah I did, come on. Jesse: I dont, I dont know man just, its just weird, I feel theres a part of Isabel's life she doesnt want to share with me. Eric: Like what? Jesse: Like I dont know, just every once in a while something weird happens. Like the other day im fixing the ice maker. K, you know me Im getting pissed of and banging the thing, im cursing, like thats going to help. Then she comes in she says take a break, so im headed to the bahroom and I glance back and her hands on the ice maker. Eric: So Jesse: So when I come back its fixed. It works perfectly. Eric: hmm well you know, in my perfessional opinion, im going to have to say, that that is not a story. Jesse: Ok fine but what about her brother Max? He breaks my nose the night before our wedding. Eric: He broke your nose? Jesse: Yup, its a long story I'll tell you later. But he breaks my nose and he heals it with a steak the next day. Eric: What do you mean a steak, Like Jesse: Like a steak, I mean he completely heals a very broken nose i-in about 30 seconds. Its just weird, sjust really weird. Eric: Huh. Well maybe...maybe shes an alien. Jesse man you married one of the Roswell aliens. They both break out laughing. Eric: Its like, its like I dreamed of Jeannie for a new millinium man. They continue to laugh. Jesse: Shut up shut up. Eric. Barump bum bum bum bum bum... Back to the sitcom. Jesse walks into the bedroom as Isabel sits on the bed reading. Jesse: We're in trouble. Isabel: Why? Jesse: He wants to stay the night. Isabel: I wouldnt worry about it dear. Jesse: Oh sure theres a reporter sleeping on our couch thats looking for the story of the century and I shouldnt worry about it. Sitting on Isabels bed...pipe in hand. Isabel: Sweetheart dont worry. I promise I wont use my powers while hes around. (she hugs Jesse) Everythings going to be fine. Back to reality. Jesse gets undressed. Isabel: Kinda late. Jesse: Well sorry, I didnt mean to wake you up. Isabel: Its ok, did you two have fun? Jesse: (laughs) Oh yeah. Isabel: What? Jesse: Nothing. Its just Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story. (laughs again) Ah a story about you being one' of the Roswell aliens. Isabels not smiling... Next morning... Max walks in on Michael still watching Bewitched reruns. Max: Ok this is offically not funny anymore. Michael: Id ask what your problem is Maxwell but I really dont care. Max turns off the tv with his powers. Max: Michael you have got to get a life. Michael: Thanks for the heartfelt advice. You can leave now. Turns the tv back on... Max: Im serious. You are going to rot whats left of your brain with this. He turns the tv back off. Michael: Im showing an interest in the classics. Turns it back on. Max: You're wallowing in self pity. Turns it off again. Michael: You know what this is my apartment. If I want to sit and wallow which im not then thats my business. Goes to turn the tv back on and blows it up. Michael: Great thanks. Max: Oh yeah thats my fault. Im outta here, I'll see you later. He Leaves. Back to Isabel's apartment and a mess. She goes back to the sitcom. Waves her hand and the vaccum starts cleaning. She precedes to clean up with her powers. Back to reality and the fact that things are done by hand as she throws a beer bottle in the trash. Jesse comes in. Jesse: The place is a wreck I know, um, we'll clean it up when we get back I swear k? Knocks on Bathroom door. Jesse: Come on lets go, we're going to be late. Eric: Yayaya. You know I have an idea. Jesse: First time for everything. They laugh. Eric: I want to write a story about you and Isabel. Its a story about how two people who marry in a hurry and then have to do all the getting to know you stuff later. Isabel: Sounds boring to me. Eric: Oh, but im going to pitch it so it sounds great. Hot sht lawyer marries small town girl after a whirlwind romance. My editor loves that kind of crap. Jesse: Wha' are you saying the story of our marriage is crap. Eric: Yeah its good solid heartwinning crap. Come on you guys I need your help. I need to sell something. Isabel: I dont that I really feel like being in a magazine right now. Door knocks. Isabel : Hey Max walks in. Max: Hey Jesse: Hey max. This is Eric my friend, uh Eric, this is max my brother in law. Max: Hi. Eric: Oh your the guy with the ah (points to his nose) the special healing powers. Back to the sitcom. Max waves his hand and Eric turns into a dog. Isabel sighs. Max: Somebody want tell me what s going on? Jesse: MAX! You just cant go around turning people into dogs. Max: I wont stand here and be lectured by the descendant of an ape. Isabel: Max, change him back please. Max: He seems to know our little secret. Now how could that have happened? Jesse: He doesn't know anything, uh, uh, unless of course he's seen you flying around the neighborhood In the saucer again? Max: You go for one joy ride and they never let you forget it. Isabel: Max, I, I-I don't want him to piddle on the carpet. Max: In a minute. Speaking of the saucer, Michael brned out the cloaking device so I had to park it in your basement for now. Jesse: In the basement? Max: Am I speaking too fast for your human brain to follow? Jesse: How did you get it in there? Isabel: He used the time space slipstream dear. Max: Duh. Jesse: Great! There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement. Max: Want me to take him to the pound? Jesse Picks up the Dog. Isabel: Just change him back please! Max: Oh, Very well. (He changes him back and Jesse ends up holding Eric in his arms) Which he drops quickly. Back to Reality. Max: Nice to meet you. Jesse: All right, I'll see you later (Kisses Isabel) Isabel: Bye. Have fun. Bye. Eric and Jesse leave. Isabel turns to Max. Isabel: Yeah. Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident and they've been yakkin' it up Ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens. Max smiles. Isabel: You think that's funny. Max: Wha, yeah, I mean in an ironic sort of way. They're just kidding around if you make a big deal Out of it, it'll look suspicious. Isabel: Yeah maybe. What are you doing here? Max: Inviting my sister to have a delicious piping hot breakfast before her first class. My treat. Isabel: Huh, Where? Max smiles. At the Golf Club. Eric, Jesse and Mr. Evans are playing a game of Golf. Eric: So uh, when did you meet Isabel? Jesse: July 5th. Eric: July 5th that's your birthday? Jesse: Yeah, how's that for a present? Eric: Man, they're gonna eat this thing up. He pulls out a flask. Jesse: Eh, eh! Did you bring enough for everyone, uh? Eric: Yes, where are my manners? So let me ask you this, was she still jailbait when you met her? Mr. Evans looks up. Jesse: She was 18. Moron. Eric: Sorry. Suddenly as Jesse lifts the flask to take a swig. A golf ball comes shting out of nowhere and hits the flask, then the golf cart, then into the hole. Michael walks up to the baffled men. Michael: Yeah! Sorry uh, oh, four! Four! Everybody! Four! (He picks up his ball) Mr.Evans, Jesse. Jesse: Hey uh, Michael did you meet my friend Eric? Michael: (shakes his hand) Oh hey. Eric: Hi. Mr. Evans: I didn't know you played golf? Michael: Just starting. Looking to get out of the house. Did you see that sht off the golf cart, in the hole? You don't see that everyday. Mr. Evans: Michael I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess you're not a member of the Glen Hills Country Club? Michael: Not officially. Mr. Evans: Then you'd better stick with us. Michael: Cool. We playing for money or what? Outside the Crashdown. Isabel: You don't need me as a chaperone. Liz's father has given you the green light for you guys To be together. Max: I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser, who doesn't have anything better to do all morning than to Sit in a booth and wait for Liz to get off work. Isabel: Huh. Must I make the obvious comment? Max: Please don't. They walk in. Back to the sitcom. Liz: Max. Max: Liz. Liz: Max. Max: Liz. Isabel: Can we get a table for two? Liz: Oh, certainly Isabel. You must be here to have breakfast with Max. 'Cause he's certainly not here just to see me. Are you Max? (she winks at him) Max: Certainly not. Liz: This way. They follow her to a table. She looks at Max and sighs, then walks away. Back to the golf game. Eric: So how long have you known Max and Isabel? Michael: Long, long time. We kind of gravitated toward each other in Elementary. (He puts his ball down on the tee. You know none of us had parents. I was in the foster system. (he swings) Uh, slice. Mr.Evans: Uh, you picked your head up at the last minute. Jesse: Yeah that's in the trees. You want to take a Mulligan? Michael: NA, I don't do drugs. All right, you guys play ahead I gotta go find my ball. They look after him confused. Back at the Crashdown. Isabel: So I've been doing some more thinking about this whole Bewitched idea. Max: You have. Isabel: Yes. And the more and more I think about it the more convinced I am that it would be in Everyone's best interest to bring my Darren in on the secret. Max: (eating) mmhmm. Isabel: Yeah. I mean, as it is now, Jesse's a wild card. For example, if he knew the secret, he would Know what to say and what not to say to his buddy the reporter looking for a hot story. Max: You have a point. Isabel: Yeah. Max: Let me think about it Liz: Everything ok? Max: Yeah, just uh, talking about how things would be much easier if we lived in a sitcom. Liz: Like Frasier? Max: More like My Favorite Martian. Isabel: I'm talking more like Bewitched. Mr. Parker: Liz? Back to the sitcom. Mr. Parker: Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter! (Holds up a butcher's cleaver) Max: I-I'm just having breakfast with my sister. (Points at Isabel) See, here she is my sister. Say hi sister. Isabel: Hi, sister. Mr.Parker: If I catch you with you're hands on my daughter, why I'll. (He goes to ht him with the Cleaver and Max turns it into flowers) Max: Gee. Thanks Mr.Parker. (Smells the flowers) They're lovely. Back to the golf game. They drive up in the golf cart. Eric: So that kid's an emancipated minor. Jesse: Yup. Our firm handled the case. Watch this on the green in two. Eric: Eh, uh, you wouldn't mind if I uh. (Emulates smoking a joint) Jesse: What got stoned on the fairway. Yes. This is my father in law's private club. Just go in the bushes like everyone else. He goes into the bushes and sees Michael parting the trees with his powers to make a clean sht. Back at the Remerez apartment. Jesse: No one, (he laughs) and I mean no one is going to print that. Eric: All right, maybe not the New York Times dude but definitely the Post. Jesse: Oh, come on Eric give me a break. What the Eric: Hey, Look, Look. I know what it sounds like but I saw what I saw. Jesse: Yeah, ok (he laughs hysterically as Isabel walks in the door) Isabel: What's up? Jesse: Oh, honey you're gonna love this. Go ahead tell her. Eric: All right. You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand and it wa I don't know it was like He had super powers or something Jesse: Yeah he had super powers (he holds the beer bottles he was throwing away up to his eyes like They were ray gn and laughs hysterically again) Eric: All right! All kidding aside I'm telling you there is something definitely strange about that Kid. I don't know if it's because he's a psychic or a space alien or what. (Jesse puts the beer bottles On his head and laughs) But one thing is for sure. Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world. Isabel is not smiling anymore. Later on the phone with Michael. Isabel: You idiot! Michael: How was I supposed to know he was watching? Isabel: Here's a thought. Maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game. Michael: I didn't think there was anyone around ok? Isabel: Well that right there is a problem. You didn't think. Back to the Sitcom. Sitcom Isabel: Well, now you've really done it. Eric wants to interview you for his article. What are You going to do? Sitcom Michael: What if I fused his vocal chords together? Then he couldn't tell anyone anything. Sitcom Isabel: He's a writer. He'll just write it down. Sitcom Michael: I could fuse his fingers together too. Sitcom Isabel: That's not going to work. Isabel: We need a real plan. They merge the two together. Michael: I'll talk to him ok? Sitcom Michael: I'll think of something. Sitcom Isabel: Why doesn't that fill me with confidence? Isabel: I can't believe this is happening. Michael: Will you relax, I'm on it. Sitcom Isabel: On what? Sitcom Michael: What? Isabel: (looks up) Are you talking to me? Michael: Who else would I be talking to? Sitcom Isabel: So you're on it? Sitcom Michael: On what? Michael: Are you ok? Sitcom Isabel: What? Isabel: What? Sitcom Michael: What? Michael and Sitcom Isabel: What? Isabel: Uh, I-I-I'm getting confused. Can we, can we just all take a minute ok? Ok, Michael What are you going to tell Eric? Michael: I'll think of something. Isabel: I don't know what worries me more when you don't think or when you do. Michael: That's funny. You should be on a sitcom. Sitcom Michael: Hey I was gonna say that. Sitcom Isabel: Don't talk to them. Isabel: Let's just all hang up. Ok. Michael I'll see you in an hour. At the crashdown. Eric: I know what I saw Michael. Michael: Yeah you saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree. Jesse Laughs. Eric: No wand it was just your hand. (holds up his hand) Michael: Let me ask you something what was really in the flask? Eric: Scotch. Michael: What were you doing in the bushes? Eric: I was looking for a place to you know, relieve myself. Michael: Come on. You weren't (Michael makes like he's smoking a joint) Eric: That was just a little, just a little. Jesse: Yeah right. Eric: Ok, dude it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days. All right. Back to the sitcom. Jesse kicks him under the table. Eric: Ow! Isabel: In the old days? Care to elaborate Mr. Remerez? Jesse: Na-Not really honey. Uh, you know it was college uh, Ra ra sis boom ba? Michael: Nice typewriter. (he goes to turn it around) Back to reality. Michael: What is it a, G4? (he pulls the desktop's cover back to take a look) Eric: Uh no. Its just a, it's just an old dinosaur. He goes to type something in and the whole computer goes down. Eric: Aw, don't tell me this. (he hits the keyboard) Isabel: Sweetheart can I see you outside for a minute? Jesse: Yeah. Sure. Eric still trying to figure out why his computer died. Michael: Technology. Outside. Jesse: Hey look, I stopped smoking a long time ago. Isabel: I don't care about that. All right. I want you to get Eric to drop the story all of it. No more Research, no more questions, no more digging into my past. Jesse: Whoa, wha the what's going on? I mean it's just some stupid thing Eric's making up to Get a byline. Isabel: No, I-it's more than that all right. First he's asking me questions, then it's my friends next It's gonna be my parents. I want it to stop. Now! Jesse: Why? Isabel: Because. Ok, because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind. Ok. It brings Up a lot of issues for me. Max and I were just dumped in the desert when we were little kids by our Real parents I mean what kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? You know I don't Want to know the answer and I-I don't even want to ask the question. I j Jesse: Ok. I'll take care of it, ok? He hugs her. Isabel: Thank you. Back at Jesse's office. Jesse: So do me a favor drop the story on Isabel and me all right? Eric: Yeah. Fine whatever man. Jesse: Eh! I'm serious. Eric: I'm serious too, I hear you. I'll drop the story I promise. Let me ask you something am I Insane or did Michael touch this computer right before it crashed. Jesse: Hey you know something you're right. You're insane. Eric: Well this thing is totally screwed. Mind if I use your computer just to check my e-mail. Jesse: Go ahead. I'm in court until 4. Look you up for dinner later? Eric: Ha ha, do I have any other options? Jesse: Later. Eric: Good luck. Jesse leaves and Eric goes into the firm's files until he finds Michael's emancipation papers. In the park with the social worker that took care of Michael's case. Social Worker: You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential. Eric: I understand that look, I won't use your name in the article and I won't quote you directly. I'm just, I'm trying to do some background research on Michael Guerin and I was wondering if you Could help. You know uh, was there anything unusual about Michael, anything out of the ordinary? Social Worker: No. Well there was this one incident in 1989. It was right after the county placed him In his foster home. He'd been there less than two days when we get this phone call about this Unusual event. Eric: An event? Social Worker: They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor. Bout three feet Off the floor. Eric: That that's a little odd for a six-year-old. Social Worker: mmhmm. Eric: Um, would that be in the county records? Social Worker: You think we were gonna put something like that in a government file? Uh, and you Know to be honest with you, you know Michael's foster father, he wasn't exactly reliable. You know. (Makes like she's drinking) Eric: Yeah. Anything else? Social Worker: No. I mean, other than the way he came to us. You know a little kid was found just wandering out in the desert like that. Eric: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought that Max and Isabel were the ones that were found Wandering in the desert. Social Worker: They were. Bout a week before. Eric: Now that. That's a story. Back at the Remerez apartment. Eric: I got my story. NA, I really got it. Jesse: What is it? Eric: It's about three little kids found wandering in the desert. It's about three little kids with special Powers. It's about Max, Michael and Isabel. Jesse: Man you told me you were dropping this. Eric: Yeah. No. I did and dude I swear to Gosh I was going to, (Isabel walks in and listens from behind The wall) but then I get a call from one of my sources who tells me this social worker who's got a story and does she ever. She tells me that Michael Guerin was levitating tables at the age of six. Jesse: (He laughs) you don't believe that? Eric: Uh, doesn't matter, I don't have to believe it, I don't even have to prove it. All I need are credible sources and between the social worker and you. I got plenty. Jesse: Me! Eric: Yeah, yeah the broken nose incident with the meat, the uh, mysterious icemaker incident. Jesse: Uh that wasn't for you to write. Eric: Dude relax, I'm not gonna use your name. Come on Jesse. This could be huge for me don't You get it. Look it, look it, I've got mysteriously sealed records, I've got anonymous sources this thing Has government conspiracy written all over it. I mean th-the story is gonna go national. Jesse: J-jus w-wait. Ok. Slow down. What is the story? Eric: Max, Michael and Isabel. They're the Roswell aliens. Back in the sitcom. Eric: Oh my gosh! I-I Jesse: Settle down. Isabel: What's wrong? Eric: There is a spaceship in the basement. They both look sheepish. In the spaceship in the basement. Isabel: This is bad, this is really bad. Max: (Hits Michael in the head) None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten careless With your powers. Michael: Hey it's not my fault. Except for the part that is. Isabel: Well what are we going to do? Max: I guess we're going to have to find another planet to hide out on. Isabel: Well I like this planet. Michael: Me too. Where else are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Macs. Isabel and Max: Shut up. Back to reality. Michael: I think you both are overreacting. No serious magazine is going to print that story. Three Alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous. The best thing he's gonna do is get some quick cash from Some tabloid. Isabel: Yeah and they're going to plaster our faces all over the cover of the Enquirer. Max: It'll draw attention. Even if people don't believe it at first, it'll make people think. Michael: Fine so it's really bad and it's all my fault! Is everybody happy now. Isabel: This isn't helping Michael. Michael: What are we gonna do? Max: I have no idea. Later that night at the Remerez apt. Isabel gets into bed Jesse: I'm awake. Isabel: Oh. It's late. Jesse: Yeah, where have you been? Isabel: I just went for a walk. Jesse: Can I ask you something? Isabel: Sure. Jesse: Is there anything, unusual about you, anything I should know about? Isabel: Like what? Jesse: I don't know exactly, but just, some strange things have happened and things that I tried to Ignore but I can't. So, I guess I'm asking or Do you have some kind of psychic ability? Isabel: Psychic. They both laugh. Jesse: I know that is sounds certain things just make me wonder Isabel: Like what? Jesse: (sighs) Like our sex life. Uh not that I'm complaining. Well it's sex with you it's almost Hallusinagenic, like I'm on acid or something. N-Not that I've ever done that. What, I-I'm just I don't know I mean it's just weird. I love it, I love it, it-it's definitely weird. Back to the sitcom. Jesse: So uh are you ready for a little uh (raises his eyebrows) Isabel smiles and uses her powers to get rid of a lamp and pull the bed close. Jesse laughs. Back to reality. Isabel turns on their bedroom light. Jesse: Aw. Isabel: Jesse are you stoned? Jesse: Aw, I'm such an idiot. Isabel: Psychic like, Carrie? Jesse: Ok. Stop. Isabel: You sure you went to Harvard? Jesse: Look forget it, ok, just forget it. Turn off the light I feel stupid in the light. (he goes to turn off the light) Isabel: Oh but in the dark, (she turns it back on) it's ok to think that you're married to a witch. Jesse: Yes. Turn it off. Come on turn it off. She turns it off. Jesse: (he laughs) I can't believe I said that. Isabel: (as she lays down beside him) Yeah. Jesse: If you think that sounded crazy wait til you hear Eric's latest idea. Isabel: What's that? Jesse: (sighs) You're never gonna believe this, he's actually got a story that sounds like you, Max and Michael are all (he laughs) the Roswell aliens. Isabel laughs half-heartedly. Jesse: Yeah. Isabel: Wow. Back at the office. Mr.Evans: The Roswell aliens? They both laugh. Mr.Evans: NA that's crazy. Jesse: He's just trying to make a sale. But I seriously doubt he even believes it himself. Mr.Evans: So who was this social worker that fed him this nonsense about the kids having psychic Powers? Jesse: He wouldn't say. He said he promised her anonymity. And uh, frankly I don't even know How he tracked this person down. You know, all those records are supposed to be kept under seal. Mr.Evans: You know what? We might have her name. Pull Michael's emancipation file. I-It Might have a list of his counselors over at County Services. Jesse: That's a good idea. Jesse goes over to check for the file and finds it missing. Jesse: Its not here. Mr. Evans: What do you mean? Jesse: It's not here. Unless it was misfiled or Back at the apartment Jesse: You stole it! Eric: Aw, come on Jesse I was gonna give it back tomorrow. It's no big deal. Jesse: You know what you did is a felony?! That I can have you arrested just by picking up the Phone! Eric: Hey easy. I know you're pissed off but I'm just doing my job. I am a reporter Jesse. It's a Good story. Jesse: Well not anymore it isn't. (he hands him a paper) Eric: What is this? Jesse: That's an injunction. Preventing you from selling or attempting to sell any information based On illegal access to records protected by attorney client privilege. Back to the sitcom. Isabel uses her powers to change Eric into a parrot. Jesse: Sorry we had to do this to ya. Isabel: But you really didn't leave us much choice. Parrot/Eric: Squack. She's an alien. Jesse: So what should we do with him? Isabel: (Sighs) I'm thinking the pet store. A nice little boy would love to take you home. Parrot/Eric: Squack, I'm not an animal. Squack, I'm a human being. Isabel: Just keep telling yourself that. I'll be back before dinner. Parrot/Eric: Squack. Damn it Jim, I'm a reporter, not a parrot. Back to reality. Eric: I don't believe this. Jesse: Yeah well believe it, now just pack your stuff and get out! She starts putting Eric's stuff together. Eric: What! Jesse: Look Eric, I asked you to drop the story as a friend and what did you do? You lied to me. You knew you weren't going to let it go. (Isabel watches worried) Eric: I'm sorry. Jesse: Sorry! Eric you looked me in the eye and told me that one of your sources put you onto the Social worker when the truth was that you stole it from my own office. Eric: All right, I screwed up! I admit it. I won't write the stupid alien story but come on Jesse. It's you and me man, we go back. Jesse: Uh-uh. You can insult me, you can ht me, you can do almost anything you want to me and Usually I'll find a way to get over it. Ok, but you can't lie to me in my own house, you can't take Advantage of my trust and my friendship. Now I want you gone! Don't come back! He leaves and Jesse throws his hat after him and slams the door. Back to the sitcom. Isabel: None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth. Max: (wiping the spaceships windows) Are you serious. These primates have barely mastered Walking upright. They couldn't handle the truth. Isabel: Jesse did just fine. Max: Yeah, he's a real genius. Isabel: You're talking about my husband. Max: Must you remind me. Isabel: If it weren't for Jesse Max: Life would be much quieter. Isabel: And I, would be miserable. We're meant to be together Max. You're just going to have to Accept that. Max: Isabel it's bad enough you married one of them but try to remember that you are from a Superior race of beings, a race that has conquered the mysteries of space travel, a race that stands Head and shoulders above these primitive monkey children Michael: Found the problem with the spaceship. My yo-yo was caught in the warp-drive. Max: Well, some of us stand a little taller than others. Back to reality. The three of them on their way to the crashdown. Michael: So Jesse saved the day. Isabel: Yeah. Max: I know what you're gonna say. That's twice now that he saved us and so now he's earned The right to know the truth. And I don't necessarily disagree but I think that before Isabel: No, Max, I. I'm really, really not pushing about it right now. He was really mad, I mean, I've never seen him so angry, you know and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he Trusted. Michael: You're his wife. He'll forgive you. Isabel: Maybe. But he'll never forget I lied. You know it will always be there between us. Na, I want to tell him but um, I'm afraid to. The problem is I don't live in a sitcom. You know they Get to wrap everything up all nice and neat but real life is complicated. Back to the apartment. Jesse: Can't sleep? Isabel: I just, I just keep thinking of your friend Eric I mean, you guys were really close for a long Time. Jesse: Yeah. Well, thing's change. Don't worry I have other friends. Ok. Besides you are all that Matters to me. (he holds her close) You're all I need. Back to the sitcom. Jesse: So what's the lesson Isabel? Isabel: Never trust one of your friends. Jesse: Never use your powers out in public dear. Isabel: And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement. Jesse: Promise. Isabel: Aliens honor. Jesse: Come here. They Hug. Jesse: Oh, you're all that matters to me. You're all I need. Isabel: Aw, sweetheart. THE END	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x11 - I Married an Alien"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Ch-Ch-Changes" Episode: 12 55th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA12 Written by: Gretchen J. Berg & Aaron Harberts Directed by: Paul Shapiro Original Air Date: February 5, 2002 Opens with Maria and Sheriff Valenti singing Meatloaf's song By the Dashboard light. With Kyle and Liz sitting at a table watching them. Kyle: Am I the only one who sees the creepiness in this? Liz: Get a grip. They sound amazing. Ah where's everybody else? Kyle: There's so many other duets out there. Clean duets. Aaron Neville And Linda Ronstat could keep their hands off each other. So can Elton John And Kee kee Dee. Liz: Elton John likes boys (slipping her coke) Kyle: Yeah well, did the captain ever grind on Tennille? Liz: What? Who? Kyle: Oh in the name of all that is holy (covers his eyes) Stay off each other! Liz laughs. Kyle: I gotta wash my eyes. He leaves disgusted. Max walks in. Max: Hey. (Kisses Liz on the head and sits down beside her) Liz: mmm. (Still sipping on her coke) Hi! You missed half the set. Max: (taking off his coat) Yeah I got held up at the library. Liz: Oh um, well isn't Isabel and Jesse coming? Max: Uh they're in Santa Fe tonight. Liz: What about Michael? Max: I dunno. Liz: This is a big thing for Maria. She's been practicing for like over a week, None of her friends showed up. Max watching Maria and Valenti. Max: I don't think she's gonna notice. (Puts his arm around Liz) Come on I'm sorry. Liz: I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. Max: What's wrong? Liz: Nothing, I think I'm coming down with something. Max: Well there is a bad flu going around. Liz: Ah perfect. Max: Yeah it's terrible. Fever, sore throat, nausea and an uncontrollable urge to dance. (Pulls Liz up out of her chair) Liz: No, Max. Please Max. Please, I don't, Oh She gets up and as she is, she touches her plate. She and Max go on the dance floor to dance. As there dancing a waiter comes to take Liz's plate and burns his hand the plate that has now melted. Liz laughing and dancing. Maria sitting at the Crashdown. Liz: Pluto potato skins on the house. Maria: mmm thank you. Liz: Congratulations. I'm gonna call it a night ok? (Kisses Maria on the cheek) Maria: k Liz: Bye Maria: Bye. Sheriff Valenti walks up to Maria. Jim: Maria before I forget, here's your cut from the cowpatties. Its Not much... Maria: Come on, it's all for the love of the loaf. (Jim smiles at her) Jim: Hey the guys and I have been talkin and we put it to a unanimous Vote. How would you like to sit in with the Kitshickers on a more Permanent basis. Maria: No Shick. Jim: mmm, I mean you wouldn't just be singing back up either. You'd Sing a few solo numbers. We'd sing together of course. Maria: mmhmm. Jim: I've been workin on a set list. Baby its cold outside. Don Rockabilly Maria: Nice. Jim: Um, Stop draggin my heart around. Maria: Classic. Jim: Islands in the stream. Maria: Not so much. Jim: Forget that one. What do you say? Maria: Sure. Jim: Great. Practice is tomorrow. Maria: Ok Music Scout walks up to Jim and Maria. Scout: I am loving you. Dominique Vazar. Medusa Records. I was At your show. Jim: Oh, Thank you. Jim Valenti, Lead singer. Dom: You were really really good, P.S. I never say that. Jim: Thanks it was a new set. Maria's a nice addition don't you think. Dom: Oh ah were you there too. Jim: Lead singer. Dom: Oh, ah sure. S' a good job. Maria? Maria, what? Maria: De Luca. Dom: Maria De Luca. I can work with that. Maria: Ok, Earth to the lady with the really great boots by the way. Dom: Thank you. Maria: Um, I-I don't know who you think I am, but I just, I can guarantee You got the wrong gal. Dom: Uhuh. I am an A &R executive. I have been scouting the Southwest for talent. Sweetheart anyone with a voice like that, who Can work an outfit like this. Definitely not the wrong girl. You got a Minute. Maria: Yeah, sure. Dom: Great. Oh here. (Hands Jim her card) Liz walks in the back where her dad is working. Mr. Parker: How was the show? Liz: S' good. Goodnight. Mr. Parker: Little early for bed, don't you have homework? Liz: Yeah, I did it already. Mr. Parker: Mrs. Fletcher called from the guidance office. 2 C's in Spanish and AP History? Liz: Um, ah its because I had 2 pop quizzes on the same day an English paper was due, and everyone bmb. Mr. Parker: Right. Is that the same excuse your going to use at your Harvard interview? Liz: I really have a headache. Could we talk about this tomorrow? Mr. Parker: You know I backed off that whole boarding school thing Cause you promised you were going to get your life together and Going to Harvard has been your dream, since you were what, 6? Liz: Five. And that's because you put a poster of Cambridge over My bed. Mr. Parker: Yeah. Sweetie you have got more brains and talent in Your little finger then all the kids in Roswell have in their entire Bodies. Liz: Dad, please. Mr. Parker: I'm serious. How many of them are even thinking of going To college. They're just hangin around watchin MTV, dreamin about Becoming Rock Stars. Maria: (in the background) Woowho. Comes in the back of the Crashdown. Maria: (with her hands in the air) A label wants to sign me, I'm gonna Be a Rock Star. In School, Bio class. Teacher: We will use the fruitfly, to discover genetic hierarchies. How Traits change within a population. Liz is passed out on the desk, Max touches her arm. Max: You were sleeping. Liz: No, I wasn't. Max: You have a little, drool on your... Referring to the drool on her sleeve. Liz: Oh that's so disgusting. He puts his hand over hers. Teacher: Mr. Evans, Miss Parker, is there a problem in your corner of teen angst? Liz: Ah no, mm mm. Max: No. Mm mm. Teacher: Well then it's please get back to AP Bio. Liz drops her head on Max's shoulder. Liz: Mmmm. Max: Are you feeling worse. Liz: Yeah it feels like my head is bogged in and my body's just being Dragged along for the ride. Max: Maybe its mono. Liz: Shut up. (Walking over to the lab area) I totally would've stayed Home from school today if my dad wasn't on my case about this Interview. Max: What interview? Liz: I have an appointment with the admissions person at Harvard In two days. Max looks alarmed. Liz: Nothings set in stone there were just these deadlines, you know And if I wanted to keep the possibility of going there alive, ah this Interview is something I have to do. Max: Oh, ok. Liz: We should probably get started. Max: Right. Liz walks over to grab the things they need to do their project. And as she is standing there she looks in the mirror. Suddenly Her face disappears. At the doctors. Doctor: Liz, your ah white blood cell count is normal which eliminates Any bacterial infection. Uh, you may have a virus. Are you experiencing Any dizziness. Liz: (shakes her head) no. Doctor: Coughing? Liz: No Doctor: Ah what about ah... (He starts to become incomprehensible) Liz can't hear what he is saying because his voice keeps cutting out. She looks at him trying to figure out what is happening. Doctor: Are you sexually active, Liz. Liz: No! Uh, No. Doctor Frank, No. Um. Doctor: I can't help you protect yourself, unless you're completely Honest with me. Liz: Protect me from what? Doctor: When you're young Liz, sometimes you overlook the consequences Of knowing someone intimately, and there's a possibility that you can Catch something even from someone you love. At the Garage that Kyle works at... Liz sitting watching Kyle work. Kyle: Strange symptoms, sht. Liz: Um, well fatigue, and the total inability to concentrate. Kyle: Me, every day. Liz: I've been having some hallucinations. Kyle: Yeah, like what? Liz: Well, like yesterday I looked in the mirror at school and my face Totally disappeared. I mean, (Kyle laughs) No for real. This is serious Kyle, something strange is happening to me. Kyle: Ok, why are you telling me this. Liz: What makes me different from everybody else is the fact that I Was brought back from the dad by an alien. Kyle: Yeah, and so was I. And now that you've touched on one of My deepest, darkest fears, let's just assume what you're going through Is stress. (Picks up a book and hands it to Liz) Buddha take me away. This book has gotten me through some very tough times. Here young Grasshopper take. Liz looks at the book and sets it down on top of an old car stereo. Suddenly the stereo comes alive. She picks the book back up and As her hand nears the stereo it comes on. She gets up and puts her Hand over the stereo and it reacts. Kyle: Did-did you just... Looks over at what is going on. She puts her hand back near the stereo. Kyle: You did. Oh (puts his hand to his mouth, as the stereo Sparks) Liz: Kyle I think I'm changing. Fades to black. Back at the Garage. Liz: No I don't want to tell Max. Not yet. Kyle: But he's the one who healed us, he needs to know. Liz: I'm scared to tell him. Kyle: Why, you go to him for everything. Liz: No, he risked so much when he healed me. No I, its what made me fall in love with him. Kyle: (sighs) yeah, me too. Liz: Kyle! Kyle: Look, what's going on here is really scary. If I don't lighten The mood I might lose it. Liz: Yeah I know. Kyle: If its too u for you, I'll go talk to him. Liz: No! Um, s-sorry, no. Um (sighs) Could you just please respect My feelings. Kyle: (sighs) Let the record show, I think this is a bad idea. Liz: Noted. I have to go. (Gets up to leave) Kyle: Liz. (Sighs) You're not alone in this. If you need anything, call Me. Liz: Thank you. (And walks away) At Michael's apt. Maria's waiting anxiously outside. Michael comes home carrying groceries. Michael: oh, Look I missed that thing with you and Valenti last night because I had to pick up an extra shift. Maria: Michael! Michael: And sitting at bars and listening to music, doesn't put Snapple On the table. Maria: Michael, I need to talk to you. HEE HEE HEE (jumping up and down Excitedly) Michael: Later all right. The Daily show starts in 5 min. I got Lean Cuisine To heat up. Maria: You're existence frightens me. Michael: Goodnight. Maria: A woman from a record label saw me perform last night and offered Me a demo deal. Michael: A what? Maria: A demo deal. It's like a test run for an artist to see if they have any potential. They're going to record three or four songs for me, they're going to pay for Everything. Can you believe it? Michael: No. Maria: Oh Gosh, Stuff like this happens to like, Alicia Keys or I don't know, Fiona Apple or something. Not me though, not in Roswell. I just, Oh I'm so Freaking out! (Grabs Michael in a hug) Michael: I got potato salad in here. Maria: Wanna hear something really stupid, Michael. When um Dominique, The uh, the label chick, told me about the news, first thing I thought of was, I Can't wait to tell Michael. Michael: That's stupid, thanks. Maria: Sorry, wrong choice of words, but seriously, you're the first person I Wanted to share this with, I mean, I've been waiting out there for 2 hours. Michael: I am really happy for you Maria. Hugs Michael again and laughs. Maria: MTV here I come. Kisses Michael. He kisses her back, really kisses her back and they end up in bed together. At Liz's the next morning. Maria: This so, doesn't mean that we're back together. Liz: Does Michael know that. Maria: Well he knows that I'm not interested in having what we used to have. I've been clear about that. It's a. It's a boy, girl friendship with a twist. Liz: It sounds so romantic. Why don't you try that Black pantsuit on? Maria: The Black pantsuit. Who are you my Aunt Maude? This Her voice starts cutting out like the doctors did. She looks at her like she is baffled. Maria: Right? Definitely, come on. Liz: Maria I have to tell you something. Maria: You know what else I've been thinking It is not a coincidence that my life has started around the time Michael and I Broke up. I mean, gosh. You don't know how liberating it is to just be free From all this alien chaos. It's like, suddenly my life is, like a life. (Laughs) Liz: (nodding her head) Yeah. Why don't you try the boots on? At the recording studio. Maria: (playing guitar) you're like an angel with the sweetest smile. But when You use it you're one evil child. Oh, oh. That's what brings me back again. We Get along but only half the time. The other half you ain't no friend of mine. Oh, oh. But that's what brings me back again. I love you on your best behavior. I love you more when you're doing something wrong. But that's what's wrong With me. You said you liked it yesterday. And now you're telling me I can't stay. Its all your crazy messed up ways that bring me back. They bring me back. They bring me back. You bring me back. Dominique claps Later Dom: So Maria, do you ah, you drink? Maria: No. Dom: Drugs? Maria: No way. Dom: Na-me (?) me. Personally I could care less, but the boys upstairs, they make Me ask these questions. Maria: Why? Dom: You know just, millions of teenage girls and their allowances. Oh, how Old are you again? Maria: I just turned 18. Dom: Oh great. That's perfect. That's what you're going to be telling people For the next three years. Michael walks in. Maria: Michael. Michael: Hi. (kisses her on the cheek) Just wanted to stop by and see how things Are going. Walks over to Dom and holds out his hand. Michael: Hi, I'm Michael. Dom: Hi (shaking his hand) Dominique Vazar. Maria: Michael's just. he's um. Michael: A friend of the band. Maria: We're kind a in the middle of something here. Michael: (ignoring her and checkin the place out) This is a nice space. Dom: Yeah, it's passable in a pinch. Oh Maria, sweetie. You need to tell me When you can travel. Maria: Uh ok. Where are we going? Dom: New York. Maria's mouth drops open. Michael: City? Dom: Yeah, well. If my people love what we did here. (Holds up the tape) Then we'll record the demo over there. Michael: How long will she be gone. (Looking upset) Dom: Best case scenario. Foreva. (Laughs) She can buzz back through this Town when the mayor's gonna cut a ribbon or something. (Laughs again) Michael: (Looks at Maria) New York? Dom: Is that a problem? Maria: Oh, No, No, No. Not at all. Mm mm. Dom: Groovy. At the highschool. Liz sitting on the bleachers. Max walks over to her holding a book. Liz: College interviewing for Morons. Max: I'm going to help you get into Harvard. Takes of his coat and sits down. Max: Why Harvard University? Liz: Um, well when I was in 9th grade I read this really amazing article by Dr. Laura Holt. She's this professor who works in the department of molecular and Cellular biology and it just gave me a totally different perspective on science. It Changed my life. Max smiles at her and looks at the book again. Max: Hmm. What are your three greatest strengths? Liz: Why are you helping me? 'Cause if I get in, Cambridge is really far away Max. Max: I know that. But this is really important to you. (Looks back at the book) K, ah, What is your greatest regret? (Liz looks away and off into the distance, Thinking) Come on, what's wrong, you still feeling sick? Liz: Um, just a little bit. I don't know I'm kind a worried about all this school Stuff you know. You know what, I should be going. My dad's expecting me at The Crashdown. Thanks for your help Max. (Gets up and starts walking away) Max: Liz, wait. (Reaches for her) When Max touches her she falls in a faint and drops her books everywhere. Max catches her. Max: Are you ok? Liz: Yeah. Yeah I'm fine, I um. I just think that this flu is hitting me. I um, I should just go home and get into bed. She tries to get up and touches one of the fallen books. It starts smoking and Catches on fre. She jumps back and yelps. Max uses his powers to put out The flames. Max: I didn't do that. Liz: I did. Max: That's not possible. Liz: Yes it is. You healed me and now I'm different. Fades to Black. Max and Michael in the desert, digging. Michael: You guys are always giving me crap for doing something Impulsive and stupid Well you know what's stupid. Sneakin around The desert while your father's watching our every move. Max: Shut up Michael. Michael: Whose idea was it to bury the alien stuff anyways. What are we apes/ It's called a safety deposit box. Max: I need the book's translation. It might have something on Liz's change. Michael: You've read it like 10 times. Max: Well maybe I missed something. Michael: What if there's nothin in there? Max: Well then I'll find somebody who knows something. Even if I have to contact the FBI. Michael: Hey Max, I know this is a big deal, but you gotta keep calm. All right. Don't kick up any dust. If we get exposed, we can't help her. Max: It's a risk I'm willing to take. Michael: Do I gotta smack some sense into you right now. I've got a shovel here, I'll do it. Max uses his powers and throws Michael's shovel a ways away. Max: There is something wrong with her Michael and I don't know how to fix it. Michael: We'll figure it out. Max: And what if we can't? What if it gets worse? I have screwed up, hundreds of times till we found out what we are. Do you know how many times Liz has? Never. And this is what she gets in return. Look I am doing whatever it takes to help her, if you got a problem with it then you can leave right now. Michael goes to retrieve his shovel as Max continues digging. School Bell rings. And we cut to Liz's interview. Interviewer: So Miss Parker, why Harvard? Liz: Well ever since I was 14, and I read Dr. Laura Holt's work, I knew that I wanted to learn from her in person. Interviewer: Laura's an amazing professor. I think you two will really ht it off. Writes in his notes. Interviewer: Do you see yourself His voice starts to cut out like the doctors and Maria's. Liz looks at him trying to figure out what he is saying. Liz: I'm sorry, what? He speaks again and she still can't figure it out. Interviewer: Liz. Liz: I'm sorry, could you just repeat the question? Interviewer: Do you intend He still is incomprehensible. Liz: I guess. I, um. I'm, I'm not quite sure. Interviewer: Now obviously Harvard He cuts out again and the room starts spinning. Liz jumps up out of her chair and turns it over. Interviewer: Liz. What are you doing? Liz: I'm sorry. Um um I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She turns the chair upright. Liz: Here. She turns around and leaves. At the Crashdown Maria walks in and Jim is eating at the counter. Maria: Hi. Jim: Hey. You look nice, got a date? Maria: No, it's just a reception thing that Dominique set up. Jim: Ah. Right. Maria: Listen I never got to thank you. Had you not invited me to sing with The band this never would have happened. Jim: You don't have to thank me. Come on, you were great. Maria: Yeah but so were you. Jim: Well thanks I thought so too. Maria: I just feel like I took something from you. Jim: Nah, you didn't take anything. Look how often does something like this Come along. You have to go with it, I would if it happened to me. Maria: I know. Jim: Listen, I'm gonna be late for sound check. Maria: All right will you tell the guys I say Hi? Jim: Sure. Break a leg. Maria: Thank you. He leaves and she goes to the back where Michael is working. Maria: Hey. Michael: Oh thanks for coming by. Maria: I'm running late so you only got one minute. Michael: Well its going to take a little longer than that. Jesse's on his way. Maria: Excuse me. Michael: I asked him to take a look at your contract. Maria: What did you do that for? Michael: Maria, you're talking about picking up and moving to New York. Maria: Jesse does not Michael: I just wanted to make sure you're protected. Maria: Ok Michael, hold on, I see what's going on here. Michael: Yeah you're turning down free legal advise. Maria: No I mean with us. I-I really appreciate the interest but you- you Don't have to look after me our lives are no longer linked. Michael: Didn't we just sleep together? Maria: We did. Michael: But it doesn't mean anything. Maria: It- it was great. I-I mean. Its just it doesn't mean that. It was a spontaneous Thing. You were feeling good. I was feeling good. Michael: It's a capper to an already great day. I get it. Maria: Michael. Michael: Crossed signals. It's no big deal. Goes back to work. Maria: Wish me luck? He waves his spatula at her, and she leaves. Back in Liz's room. Kyle is pacing concerned. Liz: I'm sorry. I'm sure you have somewhere else to be. Kyle: No, no. Look. I offered. Liz: I just didn't have anyone else to call. Kyle: Maria doesn't know? Liz: mm mm not yet. No this record deal is a really huge thing for her. She's given up so much of her life for all this. Kyle sits down beside her and puts his hand on her shoulder. Liz: How are you doing? Kyle: Um, No symptoms yet, you know, but Max healed me like a year after He healed you. So maybe I've just got this totally cool window of time where I Just get to obsess about it. She laughs. Liz: Lucky you. Max comes over and knocks on the window. When he sees Kyle he knows something happened. Max: What happened? Kyle: Show him. She pulls back her sleeves and her hands have some weird green electrical Current going through them. Max: Does it hurt? Liz: (nods) it comes and goes. He comes and sits down beside her. Liz: Am I going to die? Fades to black. Back at the studio Dom. Fixing her lip-gloss. Dom: So Adam Chase is on his way, he is a legendary producer honey And if he likes your stuff, you can clear off the mantle and ah hire a maid To dust off your Grammy's. Wh-what are you doing? Maria: (sniffing some eucalyptus oil) I-its just eucalyptus, it's to help me Keep calm. Dom: Yeah well sweetie, enough. (Takes the oil) You smell like J-Lo. (Sniffs it as Adam walks in) Wow! Dom: Chasey. Chase: Dominique. Dom: Oh (She hugs him) Chase: What's happenin baby. (Smacks her butt) Dom: Clearly you, lookin all hottie-tottie. Chase: Likewise. Dom: ok, here's our find. Adam Chase, Maria De Luca. Maria: Nice to meet you. Chase: Nice to meet you. Dom chewing on her cell phone antenna. Dom: So. (Chase holds up the tape) Chase: It's a single. Dom: I knew it! Maria: Its called behavior. I wrote it about me and my boyfriend Breaking up. Chase: Right. I've been messing with it want to listen? Maria: Yes, I would love to listen to it. (Chase throws the tape in the player) Dom: (On her cell) Hi. Yeah. Adam Chase. All over it. Maria: Yes. Dom: Oh yeah, the girl's gonna be huge. Ok, ok bye bye. He turns on his revised edition of Maria's song. Chase: Slammin in it. Maria: (not looking very amused) that's me. Chase: Yeah. I remixed vocals. Then I laid a few song boards underneath, You know, it's a little rough around the edges but you get the point. Dom: Wow. It's a number one isn't it. Chase: You know it. Dom: Oh Maria: It used to be a love song. Dom: Yeah, well now it's one people can dance to. In the sound room privately with Dom. Dom: So, you hate it. Maria: No. No, I was just, I was going for more of a P.J. Harvey and um That sounded like Britney Spears. Dom: I-I completely disagree. Maria: (sighs) my music is personal to me Dominique. Dom: Ok, Maria. It is my job to find artists who can sell records. Right. Now, honey you've got the looks and the hou ts pa to do that but When it comes to the music, baby you gotta leave that to the pros. Maria: So, I'm just a commodity? Dom: No, no you're very talented. But this label is prepared to invest A lot of money in you and you know. They pay the bills, they have a say. That's just kind a the way it's always been. (Maria nods) Well look, maybe You need to ask yourself if you really want to do this. Outside Michael's apartment. Michael: Let me guess you bumped into George Lucas at the video store And he wants you in his next movie. Maria: You were right about me being cautious. Those label people are Bogus. They want to turn me into some bubble gum pop princess. Michael: That's too bad. (Smiling) Maria: They turned one of my songs into complete crap, Michael. It was So humiliating. Michael: Why are you here? Maria: I may be turning down a huge opportunity, I need someone to talk To. Michael: Let me get this straight. You dump me so you can go live your Dream, and now you're telling me you're dropping that too. Maria: I'm sorry, I just really need some advice, right now. Michael: It's like you said we're not linked anymore. I could invite you Inside, tell you to stay in Roswell because that's what I want. But you know What, I'm not going to be the guy you blame for ruining your life. Maria: Michael. Michael: You should leave now. Maria: I have no where else to go. Michael: You've got plenty of other friends. Maria: Like who Liz? I tried to talk to her, she hasn't been around. Michael: Do you even know what's going on with her? Maria: Yeah she's pissy and preoccupied and doesn't return my phone Calls. Michael: She might be dying Maria. Maria: What!? In the desert, near the pod chamber. Max lays Liz on the ground. Kyle: Ok, what are we doing again? Max: According to the book, I can use the healing stones To amplify my powers. If we do that it might wipe out Whatever is happening inside of her. Max puts the healing stones around Liz. Kyle: What can I do? Max: Just stay back. He puts his hand over Liz's stomach trying to draw Out whatever is causing the attcks. A green glow Centered on her stomach area starts glowing brighter. Liz lifts off the ground. She looks in immense pain. Liz: It hurts. (The light glows pink) Max: Take a deep breath, it won't be much longer. Liz: Max please, I can't. Kyle tries to intervene by moving forward. Max: NO! Liz: STOP! Max: Hold on it's working I can feel it. Liz: NO! Kyle: Max! Max: Just a little bit more. Liz you have to trust me. Liz: I can't. (Something happens and Liz drops and Max is thrown back) Liz scrambles away. Liz: Just stop hurting me. Max: I wasn't trying to. Liz: No, but Max you do. You always do. (Max moves toward her looking Perplexed) why did you sleep with her. Why! Max: (looking pained) Liz. Liz: Every single time that you mention your son I am reminded of what you did to me. How you were unfaithful, how can you not know that? Max: Liz, please. (Trying to move closer) Liz: Stay away! You're doing this. Max: No I'm not. Liz, please. (He touches her face) Please. She screams in pain. Kyle: Max, max, max, stop, stop, stop (jumping to intervene) Listen to her. Do you want to kll her? He looks at Liz and is a loss for what to do. Back at the Crashdown in Kyle's car. Kyle: I'll help you get upstairs. Liz: I can do it myself. I really said all those things to Max, didn't I? Kyle: Yeah. Liz: I couldn't help it. It's everything just Kyle: Exploded. Liz: How am I going to face him? Kyle: Look he understands that something went wrong out there. You were not In control of what you were saying. Liz: But I was. I mean that's how I feel deep down and now he knows Kyle. Kyle: So what! Liz: I can't take it back. Kyle: Liz look, you can't worry about Max right now. You have to take care Of you. You understand? Liz nods. Liz: Yeah. Kyle: Ok. Now try to get some sleep. Liz smiles at Kyle and gets out of the car. Liz is lying down on her bed and Maria comes in. She comes over to Liz and Bends over her. Maria: I'm here. Liz looks up and smiles at her. Out in front of the Crashdown on a bench. Maria: I'm so sorry. Liz: Maria stop apologizing. Maria: You've been going through complete hell. Liz: Yes and this is exactly what I didn't want. For you to come along on the Ride. Maria: Don't ever. We are best friends Liz Parker. So just don't ever ok Liz: Ok. You really shouldn't let this music thing go. Maria: I told you. Liz: So what, so you have to, so you have to compromise, so what. Maria: I'm not a sellout. Liz: That's great. You should tell that to all your co-workers at the cheese Factory. I'm sure they'll be very impressed. Maria: ok (laughing) b- hitchy. Liz: Maria. You have more talent in your little finger than anyone else in this Town. Maria: (holds up her hands) which one? Liz: I'm serious. You should find a way to compromise without losing What's most important to you. Because if you don't do this. You are always going to be miserable. Maria: Yeah but, then I would have to go to New York um and I'm, I'm just not Going to leave you. I'm sorry. Liz: I'm gonna be fine. Really. Maria: Fine. Tomorrow I will invite Dominique to my all you can eat Crow Boofet. Gosh could life be any more complicated right now. (They both laugh) Sometimes I wish you could close your eyes and just be somewhere else. Liz: A café in Paris. Maria: No Jamaica. The beach, the blue ocean, the warm sand between our toes. Feel any better? Liz: Yeah. Maria: Me too. (They laugh again) Liz comes back to her room to find Max waiting outside her window for her. Liz: Max what are you doing, you can't be here. Max: I've been calling. Liz: I was out with Maria. Max: I thought something happened. Liz: No it didn't. But look my dad's gonna be up here in a few minutes. You really Max goes to look past her into her room and she gets shocked by him. Liz: Max you have to go. Max: Look we'll drive to LA. Langly will know what to do. He can fix this. Liz: Max. Max: Maria can cover for you we can be back in two days. (Liz shakes her head) Liz: No. Max tries to reach for her and she backs away. Max: Liz. He leans his head against the window looking wounded. Liz looks just as Sad. Max: Everything you said in the desert, we can't just pretend it didn't happen. We have to talk about it. Liz reached up to close the window. Max: Liz, please don't shut me out. Liz looks at Max with tears in her eyes. Max: (tearing himself) what are we going to do? Liz: I have to figure it out. By myself. She looks at him one last time and closes the window. He looks away and she looks back at him through the window. He mouths, I love you and walks away. She watches him leave with tears in her eyes. Liz goes down to her dad who is doing paperwork in the café. Mr. Parker: Sweetie, what's wrong? Liz: My life is out of control. I want to go to boarding school. Her dad hugs her to himself. Liz starts packing, brings her journal. Liz sits and writes Max a letter. Liz: Dear Max: What's so great about normal. Do you remember when you Asked me that? Back then the answer was nothing. Because of you Max, because Of how much you love me. Now though, the answer is different. Normal is something I need. (Liz on a bus to school) And that's why I have to leave. I have to figure Out what my life means away from Roswell and away from you. (Max reading The letter) Don't hate me for doing this. I love you more than you can ever know. Liz. Liz on the bus and fades to black.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x12 - Ch-Ch-Changes"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Panacea" Episode: 13 56th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA13 Written by: Russel Friend & Garrett Lerner Directed by: Rodney Charters Original Air Date: February 12, 2002 Opens at Meta-chem Corporation 11.29pm Michael's sleeping on the job Malcolm: Mike. Wake up. Michael: What. Malcolm: Check this out. (He balances his pen on his nose) Michael: You, you woke me up for that? Malcolm: I had it a second ago. Michael: Man I miss those other guys. These two man shifts are boring as hell. Malcolm: ? Economic times. (Michael pulls off a Band-Aid) What happened to your hand? Michael: I put it through a window. Malcolm: On purpose? Michael: Maria issues. Malcolm: Man no chick is worth that. Michael: Nope. Malcolm: So you wanna hang out this weekend? I need an opponent. I just got Madden 2002 and the computer keeps kickin my ass. Michael: Alright but I get to be the ravens. Malcolm: Fine but you can't have Jamal Lewis 'cause he's out in real life. Michael: I don't need him cause I got Ray Lewis. Malcolm: Well whatever then your goin down sucker. Michael: Alright it's on. Time for the rounds though. Let's go. As they go do the rounds men in white suits come in and clear out the room they were just in. They find Michael's Band-Aid. Liz: Dear Maria. Spending a week on a cramped smelly bus was one of the most liberating experiences of my entire life. The further away I got from Roswell, the more I felt like myself again. You know, like a normal teenager. In fact, when I finally got to the Winnaman academy it was like coming home. Liz mails the letter... and goes to get settled in. Principle: We have very strict rules here at Winnaman. Probably a much more disciplined atmosphere than your used to. Liz: That's exactly what I want right now. Principle: Good. Because we do have rules and we expect them to be followed. Curfew's at nine, No boys allowed on campus. There'll be no smoking, no drinking and drugs will not be tolerated. Liz: I guess the other girls feel like this is some sort of prison. But I'm actually grateful to have Some boundaries clearly laid out for me. With a little discipline maybe I'll make it to Harvard After all. Gets to her dorm room. Her roommate opens the door. Liz: I think this is supposed to be my room. Roommate: You think. Liz: Well, yea it is. Roommate: Well I knew my single was too good to last. Liz: Are you Ilene Burrows? Ileen: Yea, I'm the welcoming committee. You must be um Elizabeth Parker. Liz: Did they not tell you I was coming. Ileen: No But you might wanna lose the name tag cause your an inmate now. So um, Elizabeth, Liz, I mean what, what should I call you? (she takes out cigarettes) Liz: Beth, I just, I go by Beth. Ileen: Where are you from Beth? Liz: California. Ileen: What part. (Lights up a cigarette) Liz: (as she puts her belongings away) Um not too far from Disneyland. Ileen: Aha Lucky you. You leave a boyfriend back there? Liz: mm-mm no, no boyfriend. Ileen: Lesbian? Liz: Sorry Ileen: Oh. No I wasn't asking for a date, I mean there are plenty of girls here who dabble With the whole, thing. (Holding up the cigarette) Is this making you uncomfortable? Liz: You know to tell you the truth, it is. I just got read a riot act by the dean and I don't Feel like getting in trouble five minutes after I've been here. Ileen: It was a rhetorical question. I'm not putting it out. Liz: Then why did you ask? Ileen: I was being polite. The door suddenly knocks. It's the dean. Ileen: Who is it? Dean: Dean Hackett. Ileen: Oh crap. (She gets up and puts out the butt and tries to clear the smoke) Liz: Um, um one second. (Liz gets undressed while Ileen sprays air freshener) Liz: One second, I'm just changing my clothes. Sorry I'll be right there (Liz lights a candle) I'm coming. (Opens door) Hi. Sorry, I just I wanted to change and get into my uniform Dean: Do I smell smoke? Liz: No, I just I lit a candle. Is that allowed? Dean: Of course. I forgot to give you these earlier. Fill them out, return them to me in the morning. Liz: I will. Thank you mame. (Liz closes the door) Ileen: Quick thinker. Liz: Practice. Maria: Dear Liz. You know they say New York can be overwhelming at first, the crowds, the noise, the restless energy and its supposed to be intimidating to first timers. Not me. I love it. I am never leaving. This is my kinda town. In fact I feel like, I don't know I feel like I've come home. Maria sees her friend on the sidewalk and throws something at him. Friend: Maria! What in the world! Maria: I'm a rock star. Come on don't look so shocked, I told you I was coming. Friend: Yeah but you didn't tell me you were coming in a limo. Maria: Well what can I say, my label loves me. Friend: Yea, obviously. They gave you a limousine. Maria: Gave is a little strong of a word, I actually borrowed it from Dominique Dayinarchick. You gotta meet her. A real live talent scout. I gotta introduce You guys, I mean I know she'll just love your stuff so. Friend: Nah, that's cool man, I mean really you don't have to do that. Maria: Come on. Its nothing, get in here though, we're going to be late for my recording Session. Let's go. Back at Meta-chem. Michael and Malcolm are doing their rounds. Michael: Secure. Malcolm: What do you think they have behind all these secret doors? Michael: Can't say I really think about it. Or give a damn. Malcolm: Well I do. Michael: Secure. Of course you do. Malcolm: See meta-chem's too secretive. I'm telling you they-they have some crashed Alien spaceship in there and-and they're using reverse engineering to steal other cool Technology. You know like where do you think remote controls come from or micro Wave ovens or cell phones. Michael: Monk, Meta-chem is a pharmaceutical company. All they have in those Classified labs is some top secret formula for new cough syrup. All right. Come on Let's go. Inside the top-secret lab, someone looking at a blood sample from Michael. Someone draws Michael's blood from a syringe. Doctor: Are you sure about this? Woman: Do it. Doctor draws back a curtain and injects Michael's blood into an IV. Back in the surveillance room. Malcolm: When am I going to get my 40 bucks? Michael: I'm not paying you. Malcolm: You can't Welch. Michael: Watch me. Playing an all star team against a regular ravens minus Jamal Lewis. That's not fair. Malcolm: Whatever take it up with the league man. I-I spent all my cash on valentines Day. Michael: You don't have a girlfriend Monk. Malcolm: Yeah, I-I spent it on myself. Michael: You're weird you know that. Monitor starts beeping. Michael: Hey we got a code blue in sector five. Pull it up. Malcolm: We got a breach. Michael: A real one. Malcolm: Yeah this one ain't a drill man. Michael: All right, uh, call 911. I'll head down to secure the area. Michael goes to check the area and finds the door open and the window smashed. He calls Monk on the walkie. Michael: This exit is secure. I don't see anyone. Malcolm: Police are on the way, I'm gonna come down. Lights go off. Michael: Hey Monk what's going on. Malcolm: It wasn't me I'm already at the control center. Michael. ? I see somebody. Michael: Alright wait there I'm on my way. Malcolm: Stop! Don't move! (Michael hears gn shts) Michael: Monk. Monk! (He breaks into a run) Michael gets there to see a figure running away and Monk on the floor sht. Michael: Monk. Monk look at me. Monk look at me, don't. Monk, Malcolm. Monk. Ah, Monk. (Cries) Come on. You can't die. Morning at Meta-chem before the board. Woman: Now, let me get this straight. Uh, what happened immediately after the Alarm was tripped. Michael: We found a breach in s Woman: Yea, I can't hear you could you speak up. Michael: We found a breach in sector five and I went down to seal the exit. Woman: And Mr. Piles stayed behind. Michael: Yea, he phoned the authorities. And then the power cut, and he walkied Me over the radio sayin that he saw somebody. And uh, and then I heard the gn shts. Woman: Fine, well I think that about wraps it up don't you gentlemen? Anybody Have any other questions? Good. Mr. Guerin you're free to go. Michael: So, that's it. Don't the police want to talk to me? Woman: No, no no. That's fine. We're going to send our notes from the inquiry Over to them. Michael: no, but. I-I should go down to the station. I'm the only eyewitness. Woman: That really won't be necessary Mr. Guerin. You know, you've clearly Been through a lot. Why don't you take a couple of days off. Michael looks at her like she just grew another limb. Michael goes to Valenti's. And knocks on the door. Kyle: Michael I'm sorry to hear about (michael storms past him as he opens the door) Michael: Valenti I need your advice. Jim: About what? Michael: Try to catch the guy who klled my friend Jim: Well aren't the police investigating. Michael: Yeah but that's the problem. I'm the only eye witness and meta-chem doesn't Want me talking to the cops. Jim: Michael calm down. Now you're gonna have to bring me up to speed. Here come on Sit down. Tell me what you saw. Michael: I caught a glimpse of the figure but it was dark. Jim: Can you give me any help at all. Was he tall or short, or fat, thin? Michael: He was pretty tall I guess, I , it was just so quick, I was just trying to help Monk. Jim: Alright what about video servaillence. Aren't there cameras in all those hallways? Michael: Yeah but the power went out and the cameras shut down. Kyle: Doesn't sound like there's a lot to go on. Jim: I'll tell you what. Maybe there is a way I can help you. Back at the Winnaman academy. Ileen talking on the pay phone. Ilene: Ok, there is no Liz Parker on this floor. Oh. Hey Liz. Um, there's somebody on the Phone for you. She hands Liz the phone. Liz: Hello Max: Liz, it's me. Liz: Hi Max. Max: I miss you. Liz: I'm sorry that I didn't call it's just that I didn't know what to say after all those horrible Things I had said. Max: I don't even care about that I-I just want to know that you're ok. Liz: I am. I'm really good, I this place it's really good for me. They have a biology club Here and I'm gonna go on a ski trip this weekend. Max: So you haven't had any more symptoms? Liz: Um, no not since I've been here. Max: That's great. So maybe you can come home soon. I mean I know all that stuff you Said in your letter about wanting to leave Roswell and get away from it and all but I know that we Can work everything out. (Liz starts reacting to his voice on the phone and the phone melts) Liz: Oh my gosh. Max: What. What happened. Liz: Nothing. Max: Liz. Are you ok? Liz: Yeah max, I'm fine, I just I really can't talk. Max: Can you call me later? Liz: Yeah, I'll try, I just I really have to get off the phone now Max, bye. A student walks up to use the phone. Liz: Um the phone doesn't work, it's, I-it's out of order. Back at the recording studio. Maria is singing one of her songs. Maria: The other half you ain't no friend of mine No, ohho. That's what brings me back again. Dom: Alright well come on this is so working. Maria: Dominique this is my very good friend Billy Darden. He's an excellent songwriter. Dom: Oh great well get me a demo. I'd love to hear it. Billy: Sure I mean if you're really interested I can just play you something right now. Dom: No actually a demo's best. Billy: Right Dom: Yea thanks. Ok. Sugar. This song. It's good. I mean it's really good you know. I just, I'm not quite sure its a home run. Do you know what I mean? Maria: So you don't wanna use this song anymore. Dom: Ok, I love it, but the label I think might wanna go with something just a little lighter. Maria; Ok, well if they want a different song I mean Billy and I can Dom: Actually I've got the song, honey. Right here. Maria: I-I don't understand I thought you wanted me because I was a songwriter. Dom: Oh well, baby we want you, you know for your voice and your look. Everything, everything The whole Deluca package. Maria: Yeah but I-I didn't write this. Dom: Yea, but professionals did. I mean no offense, my gosh I mean you're, you're just New, you're raw. Maria: I mean I-I don't even think like this. Dom: Ok. Please try it. Alright and trust me. I'll tell you what, you record this song ok and then at the End of the day if you don't like it and you wanna go with your song then we'll, we'll go with your Song. Alright? Ok, cause I just, I just want us to have options. Maria: Ok. Dom: Alright then. Maria: Ok. Dom: Perfect. Excellent. Back at the dorm room. Ilene: Is it Liz or is it Beth? Liz: I've always gone by Liz. And I'm not from California, I'm from New Mexico. Roswell. Ilene: And the part about not having a boyfriend? Liz: Uh, that guy that was on the phone. He's the reason that I'm here. Ilene: See. Just be yourself. We'll get along just fine. Back at Meta-chem. Michael playing with a yo-yo while Jim walks up. Michael: Guess the interview went well. Jim: Piece of cake. Michael: Drop my name? Jim: I didn't really have to Michael. She seemed pretty impressed with my resume. You know Being a sheriff and all. Michael: Must feel good to be back in uniform. Jim: Not really. You want to show me that crime scene. Michael: Uh, yeah. At the crime scene. Michael: This is the door they broke in. Jim: Good. They haven't fixed it yet. Michael: No I delayed the maintenance request. I figured you'd want to see it. Jim: Good thinking. Now you. If you reach you're hand through that hole, you'd still Have trouble reaching the handle to unlock it wouldn't ya. Michael: Yea, you think they had a tool or something? Jim: Anything like that turn up? Michael: Not that I know of. Jim: No look at that. You see the shards of glass how they're all pushed out. Michael: Yeah what do you think that means? Jim: It means that whatever broke this window, ht it from the inside. Nobody broke into Meta-chem that night Michael. They just wanted it to look that way. In a monitor that the woman is watching. Michael: Are you saying the guy that klled Monk works here? Jim: I'm saying it's a possibility. Still have to check a few things. Back at Valenti's house. Deputy: Brought that autopsy report that you wanted. Jim: Thanks. The company needs that for the insurance you know. Deputy: Yea, yea. Shame about that kid. Jim: Yea. So, um. Any leads? Deputy: Jim. I'm, I'm sorry, I-I can't discuss an active investigation with you. Jim: I know you can't. Of course you can't. I taught you. I just figured that uh, well you Know this being your first homicide case and all maybe I can help. Deputy: Well there is something, we uh, found this shoeprint. At the scene. I've been waiting for report back from the FBI lab but they're so backed up it could take weeks. Jim: I know a guy that might be able to help. Have to borrow this. Deputy: Sure. Actually I uh, made you a copy. Back at Meta-chem. Michael: This footprint is useless the floors already been scrubbed. Jim: Not completely useless. (He sprays something on the floor and shines a blue light on the Floor and footprints emerge.) Michael: That's very cool. Jim: Here let me see that Polaroid. Michael: That's our shoe right there, right? Jim: Yea. Let's see where they lead. They follow the footprints to the security locked door. Jim: Think you can open that door? Michael: Yea. No problem. (He disarms the door) Jim: What the hell are they doin back here? Michael: No one knows. Michael finds a vial with his name and his Band-Aid in it. Michael: Valenti. Jim: What is it. Michael: That's my blood. They've been studying me. Jim: Do you think they know you're an alien? They find Liz's dress and other alien memorabilia. Michael: They definitely know. That's Liz's dress. Jim: From when she was sht? Michael: And Max healed her. We gotta get this stuff out of here. They put everything in a container and then suddenly the lights are turned on and Two workers come in. Valenti talks to them while Michael escapes. Workers: Yeah I'm not a fan of horseradish either. I mean if I get a Roast beef sandwich, mayo Is fine. Alright take a look at this here. Jim: How are you fella's doin this evening. Mind if I take a look at your ID badges? Worker: Well I don't think I, we don't usually have to carry them. Jim: It's a new policy we've instituted since the recent breakin. Worker: Well I-I left mine in my car. Do you want me to go get it? Jim: No-no. I tell you what though in the future why don't you ah, why don't you make a Point to keep it on you at all times. Worker: Ok, sir. I'll be sure to do that. Jim: You know company's clampin down on everybody since this thing happened. Makes my Job a lot tougher I'll tell ya. Suddenly the woman and her gons walk in. Woman: Hello Mr. Valenti. Back at the recording studio. Maria: (singing) It's time to start a fre, I'm done with just desire. Come and say you will be. Touch me the way you know you can. The only way that I want to feel. Love me Ok can we cut it? I'm sorry. Dom: Ok. Darlin. You don't say cut. I say cut ok. Ok so we're gonna do it again and from The second verse. Alright? Maria: K. Wait you know I just, I'm sorry this just isn't working for me. Dom: What's wrong? Maria: I don't know it's, it's just not me. I'm not feeling it or whatever. Dom: Ok, but honey. I-I really I know what these label boys want so just trust me on this. Maria: No I do, but its just these aren't my lyrics. I feel really weird singing them. Dom: Alright well fight your way through it cause you sound great. Really. Maria: I know but I mean, my, my songs are, you know, what I am. Dom: Well this is business. This isn't personal. Maria: Well yea it's personal. It's personal to me. I mean if it's not personal, it's just karaoke. I could just do that at home back at the pizza pan. Dom: The are you going to sing the song or not. Maria: No I want, I want to sing the other song. I want to sing my song. Dom: Yea well Maria. Sweety, the other song isn't going to work. Ok So we're gonna need this song. Maria: But we had a deal. You're not giving me a choice are you? Dom: Oh no. Oh nonono, honey you always have a choice. See you can Finish recording this demo, or you can head back to Roswell. Maria: Then I will head back home to Roswell. Billy: Lets go get that limo before they take it away. Back at the dorm. Ilene: And you were really arrested? Liz: Yea. I was thrown against the car and cuffed and everything. Ilene: Wow. You know when you first walked through the door I never would have guessed it. Liz: I know it's so weird saying it. It's like I'm talking about another person, you know. But I Yea it's me. It's who I've become. Ilene: So what was it like, I mean prison and everything. Liz: Um, well it was its like not much different then being here. Ilene: Ah, this place isn't so bad. You just haven't been to the rat. Liz: What's the rat? Ilene: Uh, it's a place we go to get away. I'll take you there tommorrow. Liz: Why don't we go right now? Ilene: Liz it's way past curfew. Liz: You said if I was just myself we'd get along fine right? Right? Well, this is me. Climbing the stairs to the attic. Ilene: What? Liz: Shh. I hear someone. (They hid just as the dean comes down the stairs) Ilene: That was great. Come on. In the attic where the rat is hidin. A bar. Liz: Why do they call this place the rat. Are there rats here? Ilene: No it's, it's short for ratskeller. Kind of like a bar. See. Liz: Oh. Ilene: Now, some of the girls like to drink straight from the bottle. But personally, I think a flask is class, don't you? Cheers. Back at Michael's pad. He gets off the phone. Michael: Valenti's still not answering. It's been over two hours, he should have been home. Max: Maybe he's on his way over. Isabel: How much do you think these Meta-chem people know about us? Max: We don't know how much they know. Michael: Maxwell they know enough to expose us. Isabel: I say we go back in there. A knock on the door. Michael: Valenti. Kyle: Hey were you working with my dad last night, he never came home. Michael: Did he call? Kyle: No. What's going on? Max: We need to go in now. Michael: No we can't go now. It's in the middle of a working day. Max there's millions of People. Kyle: Millions of people, what are you talking about. Isabel: Kyle, we think your dad's in trouble. Back at the dorm. Ilene: So tell me about this Max guy. Boyfriend? Liz: Boyfriend, uh ex-boyfriend I don't know. It's so weird that you don't know who Max Evans is. He's like, he's like such a big part of my life you don't even understand. Ilene: Wanna talk about it. Liz: I don't know. See it's like, it's complicated. Ilene: Yup. It's always complicated. Ok, just here try me. Liz: Well he, he was with this other girl. Ilene: He stepped out! Liz: And she got pregnant. Ilene: What? Liz: It's been really rocky since then. Ilene: I can't believe you're even with him. Once a cheater always a cheater. Liz: But see, he didn't really cheat on me because technically we weren't together at the time. Ilene: Who cares about technically, did you love him? Liz: Yeah, definitely. I still do. Ilene: And he hurt you. Liz: Yeah. Ilene: Well then he's a cheater. Liz: I wish it was that simple. You know but there's like all this, there's like all this stuff. That you don't even like know about. Ilene: Liz. It is that simple. Ok, there's always extra stuff and it's all just excuses that we make For them. Because we're afraid to leave them and we rationalize and rationalize and let them Walk on us. Why are we so afraid? And tell me what is so scary? Liz: I don't know. Ilene: I'm not afraid. (She opens the window and screams into the night) I AM NOT AFRAID! Liz: What are you doing, you are gonna get us caught. Ilene: Come on Liz, Tell the world. Screw guys who cheat! Yeah! Liz: Yeah! Screw em! Ilene: I don't need you. Liz: I am fine on my own! WOOO! Ilene: Yeah! Take that! Back at Michael's pad. Michael: Ok this is how it works. I'm gonna go in first. Alone. Kyle: Where's my walkie talkie? Michael: You don't get one because you're not coming. Kyle: But my father's in there. Max: Kyle. Its too dangerous. Kyle: Don't give me that aliens only crap. Max: Kyle look, you are the only one other than us who knows what's going on. If something Goes wrong. We could get trapped, or worse, we need someone on the outside. Kyle: Alright what do I do. Michael: If we're not back by dawn, call Hanson. Kyle: What do I tell him? Michael: Tell him your father and three aliens got kidnapped by Meta-chem. Max: At that point it won't matter what you tell him. Just get help. Kyle: All right just get him and get out. Michael: ok Maxwell, you're going to pick up Isabel and bring her to the plant. I want you There for the 3am shift change. (Isabel leaves and Jesse sees her go and follows her) When nobody's around I'll bypass the system and let you both in undetected. You and Isabel Will have to split up to cover as much ground as possible. The place is big and Valenti could Be anywhere. I'll watch you from the security centre. I'll be your eyes and ears. And we will Find Valenti. Max opens a door and shines a light on Valenti. Jim: Who is that? Max: It's me Max. Jim: You wanna get that light out of my eyes? Max: Alright you ok? Jim: Yeah. I could use the bathroom. Max: Did they hurt you? Jim: No, the woman just threw me in here and left. Max: Michael. I've got him, he's ok. Michael: Good now get outta there. Max: Let's go. Michael: Isabel, Max has Valenti get back up here. Isabel: Copy that. Max and Jim take off down the corridor. But the gons run up behind them and sh*t Jim. Max: No! (he throws them against the wall with his powers) Can you move? Jim: I don't. Max: Its ok. It's ok. (he puts his hand over Jim's wound) Valenti look at me. Look at me. Jim: Max. Thank you. (Max lifts Valenti off the floor and they have gn aimed at their heads) Woman: So you're the healer. You have no idea how long we've been looking for you. Upstairs. Isabel: Where are they? Michael: Last time I saw them they were in corridor three. Let's go. In another corridor going into a secured room. Max: What do you want from us. Woman: Not us, just you. The healer. Michael and Isabel run and go to the first secured room. Isabel: What the hell is in here? Michael: I don't know. They open the curtain but there is no one there. Michael: Let's go. Back at the dorm. After a night of drinking Liz is relaxing in her room. Someone knocks On the door. Liz: Ilene. Ilene. Did you lock yourself out again? Maria is at the door. Maria: Guess who. Liz: Oh my gosh, Maria. Hi. What are you doing here? Maria: Do I smell alcohol? Liz: Why do I smell? I should get some gum. Maria: What do you drink now? Liz: No. I, a little bit. Maria: I leave you for five minutes Liz: You know what they have this place I have got to show you. In the attic. Liz: You know, I was really scared to come here and I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. But just in the past few days it like the first time in years that I felt like a normal teenager. Maria: Yeah it is nice to get away from the alien chaos isn't it. Gosh I don't know if I can go Back yet. Liz: Then why don't you just stay here. Maria: What? Liz: Yeah come on Ilene and I, we have got this whole place figured out. We can get you anything You need. And plus spring break is, it's comin up. No one's gonna be around. Back at Meta-chem. Woman: Bring him in. (They bring in an old man on a whole bunch of monitors) Heal him. Max: Who is he? Woman: My husband. Clayton Wheeler. He owns all of this. Jim: So you're what a few days away from inheriting his millions. Woman: I don't care about that. Jim: Right. You just happened to fall in love with a man who is twice your age. Who just Happens to be a multi-millionaire. Mrs. Wheeler: Quiet! You don't know anything about me. Have you ever been married Mr. Valenti? Jim: Once. Didn't stick. Mrs. Wheeler: Well I've been married for twenty-two years. That is a long time to be with Someone. Things change. Feelings change. Motives change. He is my husband now and I am Not going to lose him. Max: What's wrong with him. Mrs. Wheeler: He's old. Unfortunately all the money in the world can't stop the aging process. Believe me we tried. Everything. And then we heard a story about a girl in Roswell who was sht with no ill effects. Max: Liz. That's why you have her dress. Mrs. Wheeler: Oh we analyzed that thing for two years the best scientist's in the world couldn't Figure that out. And then we got another little tip. Several children with terminal cancer mysteriously Healed. Max: In Phoenix. A serveillance picture of Michael from the hospital. You thought he was the Healer? Mrs. Wheeler: Well until he couldn't heal his friend. Then we knew we had the wrong guy. Max: You klled Monk as a test? Mrs. Wheeler: My husband is dying. We're desperate. Max: That's no excuse to kll someone in cold blood. Mrs. Wheeler: What's done is done. Now heal him. Max; It doesn't work like that. I can't save someone from a natural death. Mrs. Wheeler: I think you can. And you will. (she snaps her fingers and they point the gn At them again) Max moves to Clayton and puts his hand on him. A bright light starts getting larger and larger. Max starts to age. Back in the corridor. Isabel: Where are they. Michael: This place is huge they could be anywhere. Max is aging rapidly and things start breaking. Jim: Max, Max stop! (One of the gons hits him in the back of the head with his gn) Suddenly they break apart and max collapses on the floor while Clayton leaves. Max falls To the floor and there is an explsin and as Jim tries to reach for him he turns to ashes. Jim: Max. Max! Back in the dorm. Liz wakes up from sleeping. Maria: What happened? Liz: Max is d*ad.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x13 - Panacea"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Chant Down Babylon" Episode: 14 57th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA14 Written by: Ronald D. Moore Directed by: Lawrence Trilling Original Air Date: February 26, 2002 Opens with Michael and Isabel running through a darkened corridor and an alarm going off. Isabel: Let's go! Michael comes up on a moniter. Michael: We got a fre in section fifty charlie. Isabel: That must be where they are. Michael: Let's go this way here. That's it! They use their powers to blast the door. fre comes out of the door. Michael: I can't put it out. Isabel: Valenti, Max are you in there? Valenti jumps out the door. Isabel: Where's Max? Jim, where's my brother! Jim: He's dad. Isabel: What! No! No! Jim: Come on this whole place is going to go up. Isabel: No I'm not going without him. Jim: He's dad. I saw his body burn to ash. He's dad. (He grabs Isable and hauls her outside) Isabel: No! No! Jim: Michael go! Come on! Isabel: Michael, no! Jim: Let's go! (Michael stares at the flames and then runs) Outside. Jim: When he ht the floor, flames poured out from his body. It started the fre. Isabel: No. He can't be dad. He can't be dad. Jim: When I tried to get to him his body collapsed into dust. Michael: There they are. Clayton, his wife and the gons escaping into a black sedan. Jim: Yeah but they're armed. (They run) Wait damn it! Mrs. Wheeler: Take care of them. Michael and Isabel use their powers on the car. The gons sht and miss Michael but Isabel Gets sht and Clayton gets away. Michael: Wha! Jim: It's bad. Give me your shirt. Isabel: I think I've been sht. Max. Max. Jim: You're gonna be alright. Just hang on. Suddenly Jesse runs up screaming. Jesse: Isabel! Isabel: Max. Jim: Just stay awake. Jesse: Isabel! Oh my gosh. Jim: She's been sht. I don't know how bad it is. Isabel: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jesse: Oh my gosh. Have you called an ambulance? (he starts dialing on his cellphone) Michael: (He grabs for Jesse's cell phone) No, no no no! Jesse: What's wrong with you! Michael: No Ambulance! No hospital! Jesse: She'll die you idiot! (He punches Michael in the face) Michael tackles him. Michael: Just no. Jesse: What the hell is wrong with you! Michael: Hey you can't take her to the hospital. You can't. Jesse: Why! Tell me why! Michael: Because your wife isn't human. Ok, understand that! Your wife is not human. Jesse: Stop the crap! (he knocks Michael off of him and starts to Isabel) Jim: Remerez! Look! Isabel starts drawing energy or something from the ground with her hands. Jim: It's true Jesse. I know you don't want to accept it but it's true. She's not human. Jesse: Wha? Michael: She's alien. We both are. Back at the dorm. Maria: (on the phone) Michael it's Maria. Please pick up the phone cause Liz has this completely Wrong idea that something's happened to Max. And I, I just, I really need someone in Roswell To pick up the phone. (Hangs up) Maybe I should try Isabel and Jesse I mean they might all be At the movies or something. Liz: Max is dad, I know it. Maria: We don't know anything yet ok? I mean, just because you have this feeling and I really Respect the connection you and Max have or whatever. But we don't know anything yet ok. Liz: Uh, I need some time. Maria: Ok but when I get in touch with someone and this turns out to be whatever it turns out to Be I'm gonna come find you. Ok? (Liz walks away) Liz: Yeah. Maria: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael. Pick up the phone, please. In the car the phone is ringing. Isabel is getting a lot worse and they are driving like madmen. Jesse: Hello, This is Jesse, yeah. Can you hear me? Hello. Jim: Can you turn that thing off! (Michael hands Jesse his phone) Jesse: Hello, this is Jesse. Can you hear me I can barely hear you. Can you hear me? Isabel: Jesse. Jesse: Just hang on ok. Just hang on. Look yeah, I've got an emergency, yeah my wife's been sht. If I could go to a hospital I wouldn't be calling you! L-Look, Hello! ?Danny? Michael: T-the shirts soaked through, what do I do? Jim: You keep the pressure on, we can't do anything about it now. Isabel: No. Max. Michael: No Max isn't here, we're gonna take care of this. Wake up. Wake up, don't leave us, Just, are you sure about this doctor? Jesse: He's not a doctor anymore. He's an old friend from the neighbourhood. Michael: What the hell does that mean! Jesse: It means just shut up and let me just Paul Yes. One sht through the abdomin uh, a gn probably Jim: Sig, nine mil. Jesse: A nine millemetre. Look, just, just meet me at my apartment ok, the address is 126 Jim: Go to my house. It's closer. At Jim's house. They bang in the door. Michael: Alright get her on the couch. Jim: Got her, got her. Kyle comes in from his room. Kyle: What's going on. Oh my gosh, what happened? Jim: She's been sht. Kyle: What? Jim: Kyle, there's a trama kit in the garage. Get it. Just go! Jesse: Everything's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be. Isabel: I don't wanna die. Please. Please. I don't wanna die. Jesse: You won't I promise. Ok. Look, just do something! Jim: I'm doing everything I can. Michael: Where's that doctor! Jim: Kyle! Jesse: He'll be here! (Kyle comes running in from the garage) Jim: Kyle! Kyle: She needs Max, where's Max? Michael: Max is dad. Isabel: Max. Kyle: What? Michael: Max is dad alright! Isabel: Max! No. Someone knocks on the door. Michael gets up to get it. Michael: Hold this. (he opens the door) Are you the doctor? Over there. Doctor: Yeah. Clear out, clear out, give me some room. Jesse: Oh Thank God. Doctor: Ok, I got it. Let me take a look here. Jesse: Doc, is she ok. Is she gonna be ok? Doctor: I'm gonna have to go in and find the bllet, see what damage we're dealing with. Clear that table. You in my car there's a tnk, a monitor, a ventalator bag and a uh blanket Tied with a cord ok? Ok, I can't make any promises Jesse she's lost a lot of blood ok. Jesse: Do everything you can ok, just everything you can. Its ok, it's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be alright. Doctor: Alright let's get her up on the table alright. Brace, brace, brace. Jim: You got it. Jesse: Got it. Doctor: One, two, three, ready lift. Easy, easy does it. Get her middle. Let her down easy. Let her down easy. Let her down easy tnk right here, monitor there, bag on the counter, give me the blanket over here. Alright, she's gonna need a transfusion. Anyone know her blood type? Michael: Uh, yeah, I'm her type. Doctor: Ok, who can tap this kid's vein? Jim: I can. Doctor: Alright, let's get to work guys. At Clayton Wheeler's house. Clayton is laying in his bed under the covers. Mrs. Wheeler: Clayton. Clayton, can you hear me. Clayton: Where am I? Mrs. Wheeler: Clayton? Clayton: Madiss, Madiss, is that you? (She pulls back the covers and sees Max at least his face anyway) Mariss: Oh my gosh. Clayton: I feel like someone walked over my grave. What? What! (she grabs a mirror and he sees his hand) Oh my gosh, look at my hand. Mariss. Look at my hand! Mariss: Clayton you really should look at this. Clayton: That's not me. This can't be me. (he jumps out of the bed) I'm not him. I Mariss: It's all right. Clayton, it's all right. (he walks to a mirror on the wall) Clayton: This is impossible. Mariss: He was trying to heal you. I saw him. He was, he was trying to reguvinate you to Oh gosh to make you young again. Clayton: Why. Why make me look like, like him. Where is he, I want to talk with him. Mariss: He's a pile of ash. Just like the rest of the Meta-chem plant by now. Clayton: So this is me? Now. This is my body. Mariss: You know it's not a bad one. Clayton: That alien boy must have worked out. Mariss: Clayton. You know I have always loved you just the way you were but, This does open up a whole new set of possibilities for, our relationship. (he turns, kisses her, picks her up and puts her on the bed) Back at the dorm. Liz walks under a gazebo and sits on a bench. Maria runs up and stops. Maria: I-I got in touch with Michael. (she starts crying) I'm so sorry. She comes and sits by Liz. Liz: I knew it. How. Maria: Um. He died um, in a fre trying to save Valenti's life. Michael said that he was Really heroic. I'm so sorry. Liz hugs Maria and they both cry. Back at the Wheeler house. Clayton and Mariss are making out. Mariss: Oh, please. My gosh, Clayton. Suddenly Clayton gets all these flashes of Liz and Max together. Mariss: Don't stop. Clayton: (in pain) Something. Something's wrong. (he gets more flashes) Clayton/Max: LIZ! Mariss: Clayton, what happened? Clayton: I saw this, this girl. Mariss: A girl? Clayton: Yes. Brown hair. Brown eyes. About eighteen years old. Mariss: Great! Clayton: This is serious. She's somebody Max Evans knows. Someone from his life. Mariss: You must've gotten some of his memories. Clayton, come back to bed. (he walks back over to the mirror) Clayton: He is in there. He's inside my head. Mariss: Who? Clayton: Max Evans. He's still alive. He's in my head. His head. This head. (Mariss gets up out of bed) I know your in there Max. I know you are. You want something don't you. What is it you want? (he gets a flash of Liz) Liz. Mariss: What was that? Clayton are you alright? Clayton: Is the gulfstream fueled and ready to go? Mariss: Always. Where are we going? Clayton: Vermont. We're going to Vermont. Back at Valenti's house. Kyle is cleaning up the mess. Doctor: She's far from ok. I removed her spleen and tried to repair the liver but it's meatball Surgery at best. The real question is whether infection sets in. If that happens. Michael: What? Doctor: Well to have a fighting chance she'll need a lot more than I can do in your dining Room. She'll need a hospital. Michael: That's not an option. Kyle: Neither is letting her die. Jim: No one's dying yet. We don't have to face that decision right now. Let's just wait and See what happens. Ok? Jesse walks in the living room from the bedroom and puts on his coat. Jesse: She's uh, she's still sleeping. (he looks at Michael) You and me, outside. Doctor: Do you mind if I smoke? Jim: No, go ahead. Kyle: Can't imagine why you lost your license. Back at the dorm. Ilene: Are you sure you won't change your mind? I mean, spending spring break in this place? You'll be the only one here. Even the faculty heads for the hills. Liz: No, you know the fewer people around here right now the better. Ilene: Ok. (Maria comes in the door) Maria: Hey. (to Liz) hi. I'm Maria. I'm the best friend. Ilene: I'm Ilene. The roommate. (they shake hands and Liz makes a face and gets up from her bed and leaves) Liz: I'm outta here. (they both watch her go) Later. Ilene: Uh, what's going on with Liz? Did something happen with her ex? Maria: Yeah, he's um, he's dad. Up in the attic. Liz tries to open the bar door and it won't open. So she hits it a couple of times and then Suddenly it explodes and she is thrown. Her hand starts glowing again and she screams. Back at Valenti's. Michael and Jesse are in the backyard talking. Jesse: Do it again. Michael: Jesse. Jesse: Look, just do it again! (Michael makes the flowers bloom and unbloom using his powers) Jesse: Son of a. b Michael: How many times do I have to do this? Jesse: I don't know. You know you tell me this crazy story about another planet and And kings and shapeshifters dup, pod chambers and every time I come close to believing It I start worrying that I'm strapped down in a room somewhere because I've lost my mind. Ok, so just keep doing it until I can accept that I am seeing it and that I am really here. Doctor: Ok. Ok. What the hell's going on here? Jesse: What are you talking about? Doctor: Isabel has a temperature of a hundred and twelve. Jesse: One, twelve? Doctor: And rising Michael: How high can it get before it gets dangerous? Doctor: Dangerous? Let me tell you something. A hundred and seven is considered Fatal in most cases. I've never even heard of a temperature of a hundred and eight. Now obviously I'm not supposed to ask any questions but if there's something about Isabel that I should know? If there's something that can help me, you might want to consider telling me. Michael: There's nothing we can tell you that would be of any use. Doctor: Ok. Back in the house. Kyle is sitting with Isabel. Kyle: You know I was a, I was thinking. You see you're supposed to say there's a first time for everything. (he laughs) Anyway I was thinking that um since Liz got some alien powers when Max saved her life that you know maybe I've got some alien juice too. Maybe I've got the power to heal. (he sniffs and Jesse walks in) So let's just give it a, give it a try. (he puts his hand on her and bows his head and starts crying) It was worth a sht. (Jesse leaves) You know me, I'll try anything once. Back at the dorm, Liz is in the attic with a bottle. Maria walks up. Maria: Hi. Liz: How's Isabel? Maria: Not good. Michael says that her fever's up to a hundred and fifteen now. Liz: Wow. That's really high. Maria: Yeah. Liz: (looks out the window she's sitting on) It's really high. It's a really really long way down. Maria: Liz, could you not be by the window right now, please. Liz: Oh don't worry. I'm not gonna jump. Maria: And now what happened over here? (she points to the power blasted bar) Liz: Oh that? My powers are back. Psh. (she holds up her hand) Maria: Powers I though that Liz: That they would go away because Max died. Guess not. (she takes another drink) Maria: Alright enough (she grabs the bottle) Liz: No, you're right. You're right. (she gets up and grabs another bottle) Maria: Damn it Liz. Liz: Damn it Maria! Maria: Ok look, I understand what you're going through. I really do, but getting drunk is not gonna Help anything! Liz: Really you do, you understand what I'm going through? Is Michael dad? Because Max is! And you know all of those things that I've been dreaming about for the past three years? Well they Are now gone! So why don't you explain to me how you understand what I am going through. Maria: You know what. I'm just, I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. Liz: Why? Because I'm an angry drunk? Well that's just you know what, that's just, that's too bad. I'm gonna go get some air. She walks outside, and steps onto the grass and falls. She starts to laugh. When she looks up Max/ Clayton is standing over her. Liz: (she starts laughing again) You're not here. You're a dream. He bends down to her. Liz: Ok. Ok, this isn't funny any more. I just, I need to wake up, you need to go away. Ok. Just go away! (she goes to push him away and gets a flash) Oh my gosh, Max! (she hugs him and Then kisses him, while Mariss watches from behind a wall) Suddenly her powers come back and she shocks him and he falls back. Liz: Max? What th ? What's, what's the matter Max? Are you, are you ok? Max? (he starts seeing Things really blurry) Are you alright? What's the matter Max? Oh my gosh. Oh my, Max? He stands up. Max: No! No! (he runs away) Liz: Max! Max! Come back! Then Liz passes out. Back at Valenti's Michael is sitting with Isabel. Michael: First day of school, third grade. I'm standing by the lunchline argueing with that ass Mr Trevors. He tells me that the cafeteria won't take my food stamps. I say they're for food aren't they? And he looks down on me, and he says with that scraggly mustache and that stupid comb over. He says uh, I don't take lip from welfare punks. I'm about to kick his balls up into his throat. But then I feel someone watching me. It feels like a heat lamp turned on in the back of my neck and I turn around and uh, there you were. Just sitting at a table all by your self. You're just staring right at me. So I walk over and I sit down. You're still staring at me with those big eyes. And uh, you pushed your tray of food over to me and you said you can have my lunch. Right then, I knew you were different. No, but you were different like I was different. Only people liked you and they wanted you around. I want you around. (he starts crying) I want You around so please don't go. (he squeezes her hand and it starts to glow) Isabel suddenly places her hand on his head. Isabel: You still owe me for that lunch. Michael: Hey guys! Guys come on get in here quick! They all come running. Isabel: Jesse. Jesse: I'm right here. Doctor: Vitals are steady. (checks her temperature) Temperatures down to one o' two. Hell I need a cigarette. Isabel: I hear Michael. I heard you. I was somewhere else but I followed your voice back. Back in the school library. Mariss: Alright Clayton listen. You have got to take control of this. Max/Clayton: I can't. I have to go to her. I-I have to. She's the love of my life. Mariss: Look at me. Listen to me. I have spent the last ten years of my life trying to find A cure for you, Clayton! I have stolen patents for you, God Clayton I've even klled people for you. Now I didn't come this far to see you just throw it all away on some adolesent crush. Max/Clayton: Its more than that. It's Max. He wants to take over. I can feel him fighting for Control. He wants to be with Liz. Be with Liz. Mariss: Alright here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get rid of that girl. Max/Clayton: Liz. No! No I love her! Mariss: No. Clayton you are not thinking clearly. Look. You don't love her. Max does. And as long as she's alive he has something to, to hold on to. Something to fight for. But see if she were dad. He would have to give up then, all those voices inside your head Would stop. Max/Clayton: But I, No I love her. Mariss: Don't say that! Just forget about that! You have to kll her. Clayton. You have to kll the thing you love to be free. You have to kll the one you love to be free. Clayton you have to kll her. Do you understand what I am saying? Clayton. Damn it Clayton! Listen to me. Strap on a pair, and take control here. You have to kll the one you love to be Free. You have to kll He grabs her by the throat and breaks her neck. Max/Clayton: Liz. Back at Valenti's. Jesse hands the Doctor an envelope of money. Jesse: Here you go. You can count it if you want. Doctor: You're the last person I'm worried's gonna stiff me Jesse. Jesse: You're the guy Diagenis was looking for. You know Diagenis, walked around Athens Looking for Jesse: Looking for an honest man. Doctor: Yeah. Jesse: I went to collage. Doctor: (he laughs) So did I. Now look at me. Unlicensed, unwanted and unloved. All because I wrote a few perscriptions for a few friends. Jesse: They weren't your friends Paul. Expecially not the one that turned out to be a Fed. Paul: True. But you know what the truth is? Ultimately I lost my license because, because I'm Not an honest guy. Now I know your friends in there. Jesse: Goodbye Paul. Paul: You're involved in something here. I don't know what it is and I don't want to know. But its wrapped up in lies within lies and that's not what you're about. You're one of the good Guys Jesse. Jesse: So are my friends. Paul: They're liars. You can't trust them. Not when it counts. Not when it comes time to Chant down Babylon and destroy the plans of wicked men. Bob Marley. Jesse: Yeah. I got the referance. Paul: (he shakes Jesse's hand) Good luck Jesse. Jesse: Thanks. Back at the dorm. Maria brings Liz back into the dorm room and makes her a hangover drink. Liz: Where am I? Maria: I brought you back to your room. Liz: Oh you brought me ow! Maria: Yes. Ow. (she turns on the light and Liz shields her eyes with a moan) Here you go, come on. Take this. (she hands her a drink) Its what my mom drinks for Hangovers. Come on. Liz: Ah, it's so cold. Maria: Yes. You're so cold. You were lying out in the frozen tundra for about a half an hour Before I found you. You're lucky you didn't freeze to death. Liz: Thanks Maria. Maria: No problem. That's what I'm here for. Now do me a favor. Liz: Mmm. Maria: Repeat after me. I'm sorry Maria. Liz: I'm sorry Maria. Maria: (she laughs) Ok. You're forgiven. Liz: Do I want to know what I did to be sorry for? Maria: N-Let it go. I have. Max is on his way up to Liz's Dorm. He looks up at the light in her room. Back in Liz's room. She jumps up. Liz: Max is here. Maria: What? Liz: I saw him. Maria: What, Wait. Liz: No Maria. I saw him today. I-I fell down or something. And he was standing over me. And then he kissed me. I th-I think. Maria: No Pumpkin. You were dreaming. Liz: Yeah. I guess I must've been. Maria: Yeah. You had a lot to drink. Liz: I should probably go take a shower. Maria: I'm forced to agree. Liz: (she laughs) ok. (she grabs her housecoat and turns to Maria) You are like the most special Person in the world to me. She hugs Maria Maria: Right back at you. Maria puts on some tunes on while Liz goes to get a shower. While she is listening to the music Max/Clayton comes up behind her and tries to strangle her. Liz comes back and stops him. Liz: Max? He drops her on the bed. Liz: What's going on Max? Max/Clayton: Clayton. She slams the door on him and runs to the attic. He follows her. Liz: Stay away from me! Whatever you are! Just stay away! She starts throwing things at him. Then she picks up a coat rack and tries to ht him with it. Suddenly he grabs her by the throat and tries to strangle her. She sends him flying with a bolt of energy and grabs a club. Max: Liz? Liz: Max? Max! (she gets down on her hands and knees) Max: No! No! You're in danger. Liz: Max. What, what. What happened to you. Max: I don't know I'm in this body but its not really me. Liz: Oh my gosh. Ok. Ok. Let me help you. Max: Shut up! There's no time. I can't hold on much longer I. You have to kll this body. You have to stop Clayton. Liz shakes her head. Liz: No. Max: Liz you have to! He'll kll you if you don't. Liz. Please. Take the club. Do it. Liz: Max. Max: DO IT! She gets up and picks up the club. Max: Do it. Liz: I'm so sorry max. I love you. But she misses and Clayton comes back and grabs her again. So she manages to ht him over the head and knocks the both of them out of the window. Suddenly there are flashes of Max and her together. Max sees Liz falling and uses his powers to stop her fall as he crashes to the ground. Max: NOOO! She falls into a green kindof net and lands safely. Back at Valenti's. Jesse and Isabel talk. Isabel: Are we ok? Jesse: I don't know. I mean I look at you and I know I love you. Isabel: But I lied to you. I always knew in my heart that you would never forgive me for that. Jesse: That's not it. I mean, yeah, I'm hurt that you lied to me but I can get past that. Isabel: You can? Jesse: Yeah. Yeah eventually. I mean look, I''m not perfect I've told a lie or two and, and you I mean Hell, you, you had to grow up lying to everyone around you. Just became second nature to You. Isabel: Baby, it was never, never about you. It's just that lying about who I am is a given. Jesse: And you're really good at it. Isabel, you are really good. Isabel: That's what the real problem is, isn't it. Not that I lied but that I'm good at it. Jesse: I believed you completely. I mean, strange things would happen and I never doubted That I knew you. That I knew who my wife really was. Man I married Isabel Evans, and there Is no Isabel Evans. Isabel is-is this person you hide behind. I-I just Isabel: You're right. You're right about everything. And even though I'm a, a really good Liar. I want you to know that I'm telling the truth when I say I love you. And I love being Your wife. Jesse: Ok. Isabel: Where do we go from here? Jesse: I have no idea. Back at the dorm. Liz gets up and checks Max for a pulse. She doesn't find one. She kisses him and something happens. She sees Clayton and then he disappears. Liz: Max? Max: Liz. You brought me back. Liz: (she smiles) I guess that makes us even. She helps him up and hugs him as Maria comes through the bushes. Maria: What happened? Liz: Let's go home. So they start walking back.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x14 - Chant down Babylon"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Who Died and Made You King?" Episode: 15 58th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA15 Written by: Gretchen J. Berg & Aaron Harberts Directed by: Peter B. Ellis Original Air Date: April 23, 2002 Previously on Roswell. Liz: Max is dad. Mariss: Clayton can you hear me? Max/Clayton: That's not me. This can't be me. Max: You have to kll this body. You have to stop Clayton. Liz: No. Max: Liz you have to. He'll kll you if you don't. Liz: I love you. They fall out of the window. Max: nooo! Max uses his powers to save Liz. She checks him for a pulse. There is none so she kisses him and it miraculously brings him back. Flashes back to when Isabel gets sht. Jesse: Have you called an amulance? Michael: No. Jesse: What the hell is wrong with you. Michael: Hey you can't take her to a hospital. You can't! Jesse: Why, Tell me why! Michael: Because you're wife isn't human. She's alien. We both are. At Valenti's house. Jesse: I married Isabel Evans, and there is no Isabel Evans. Isabel: Where do we go from here? Jesse: I have no idea. Jesse sitting and talking to his therapist. Jesse: They're looking at me differently. Therapist: It's understandable. They're curious to see how you'll react to this new information. Jesse: But I-I don't think they trust me. I think they think I'm a thrat. Therapist: You think they're worried that you'll tell the truth about them. Jesse: Yeah maybe. I don't know. Look if they found out I was talking to you Therapist: Let me assure you that you can talk freely. As long as you don't tell me that anyone's In trouble. What we discuss in this session stays between you and me. Jesse: It's ju.. It's just I-I, I'm scared Dr. Weiss. You knowhere is all of this going to take me? I just wanted a normal life. Dr. Weiss: Your anxieties are completely normal. Jesse: And, and let me be clear. Isabel's a good person. I love her. You know it's just them. It's just she's suffered protecting their secret. It's just It's not Dr. Weiss: You told me they were in the Mob. Most people would have trouble condoning That. You're suffering too Jesse. Jesse: Yes. Dr Weiss: And we're here to fix that. And hopefully in the process we'll fix your marriage too. As Jesse leaves Michael and Max come out of hiding and watch him leave. Michael: Let's go. Max: Where? Michael: After him, we gotta find out what he's talking about in there. Max: If he's in therapy, he's obviously upset. Getting in his face is a bad idea. Look, I'll Figure it out. Michael: I'm not gonna let you sit back and wait for something to happen like you always do. Max: Michael I said I'd take care of it. Let's get out of here. Suddenly Michael feels something hurting him under his shirt. He looks and the symbol of Their planet is glowing on his chest. At the crashdown. Max: So ah, What are you doing tonight? Liz: Working, studying, lights out by eleven. Mr.Parker: Hey Max. Max: Hey Mr. Parker. Liz: I'll be right out dad. Mr.Parker: Sure. Max: Is he giving you a hard time? Liz: No, he's being a total saint. You know Winnaman wouldn't give him back his deposit. Max: Wow, that's terrible. Liz: Yeah. Max: So it seems like you're really busy tonight. Liz: Why? Max: I just thought it might be fun if we went out. Liz: Max it's not that I don't want to it's just that things can't go back to the way they were. Max: Could we at least hang out like friends? The bell dings. Liz: (smiles) You know my orders are backing up. I'll have to call you. At the remerez apartment. In the background as Isabel is at the mirror. Voice: Sometimes life can be too much. Stress effects even the best of us. Leaving the body Fatigued and the mind cloudy. Let us make life worth living again at the Roswell Desert Spa. Our expert hair stylist can work their magic on any do. From long to short, straight to curly. (Isabel makes her hair curly) Or how about treating yourself to a manicure. Or indulge your (isabel puts color on her nails) aching arches in our foot fantasy pedicure. Or maybe you need a massage. (Isabel looks up and sees Jesse standing there watching her) Isabel: Oh. You're home late. (Jesse gives her a look) Jesse: I was at the gym. She changes her hair back to normal. Later in the bedroom. Jesse is laying in bed. When Isabel gets into the bed. She goes to kiss him on the cheek. Isabel: Night. Suddenly he has a film all over his body. Then he wakes up. Isabel: What? Did you have a bad dream. (she goes to touch him and he jerks away) Where are you going? (he gets out of bed) Jesse: To the office. Isabel: In the middle of the night? Jesse: Um, I just the mcadams case is really weighing on me, and I just figured if I can't sleep I might as well get some work done. You know. Isabel: Ok. Um, when can I expect you home? Jesse: Um, I-I'm not sure. Uh, look I'm sorry Isabel. Really go, go back to sleep. I'll be back As soon as I can. Jesse driving to work. His car breaks down. Jesse: Damn it. Oh. Damn it! (he calls the towing company on his cell phone) No I've been waiting forty-five minutes. Yes, Henley street. No. I'm not going Anywhere. When he gets off the phone Max walks up. Max: Car trouble? Jesse: What are you doing here? I-It's 2 in the morning. Max: When I can't sleep I walk. You need some help? Jesse: No, there's a tow truck coming. Max: Well I can take a look. Jesse: No! Max: Maybe I can fix it. Jesse: Look I don't want any part of that alien crap. Ok? Max: I've taken auto shop Jesse. Jesse: Just leave it alone. Max: I know that all of this probably doesn't seem real right now. But if you need Someone to talk to. Jesse: Uh, thanks Max, I-I've got that covered. Ok? Max: A doctor isn't going to help you deal with this Jesse. Trust me I-I've been In therapy before. Jesse: Have you been spying on me! Max: You have to realize that if anyone finds out the truth we're all in danger. Not Just us. But Liz, Maria, Kyle, Valenti. Think about it Jesse. (The tow truck pulls up and Max walks away) Back at Michael's pad. Michael walks in with a package. He opens it and it is all their alien Stuff. He pulls out the book and the symbol on the front of the book is the mark on his chest. Michael: I knew it. I'm in charge. Back at the Remerez apartment. Isabel: Jesse do you want me to make you so She sees that he has packed his bags. Isabel: Were you even going to leave me a note? Jesse: I'm sorry Isabel. I-I can't stay here and pretend like everything's normal because it's not. Isabel: But normal is sneaking out of our house while I'm still sleeping? Jesse: It's not like that. I was waiting until you woke up. Isabel: Jesse. Please. Just talk to me. Jesse: Look I don't know what to say ok. Isabel: No I am putting in all the effort and you are giving me nothing in return. Jesse: What by pretending nothings happened? I'm dealing with this the best that I can ok. What else do you want from me. Isabel: I want you to love me. And be the man that I married. Jesse: Well that's hilarious because I want you to be the woman that I married. Isabel: So that's it. It's over. Jesse: I'll be at the travel inn. And tell your brother to stop following me. He leaves. Back at Michael's apartment. Max sits and goes to eat a microwave dinner that he warmed up Using his powers. Then he notices the package Michael brought home the other night under the Coffee table. Then there is a knock at the door and he puts it back. It's Isabel. Isabel: Please stop spying on Jesse. Max: He's seeing a therapist. I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is. Isabel: It's his private life. Max: A luxury he doesn't have anymore. Isabel: He moved out. Everyone said this would happen. I was such an idiot, thinking that I Could make it work. That I could be happy. Max: Jesse was trying to get help Is. To me that means he thinks there is something worth Saving. Isabel: How's Liz? Max: Cautious. And she has every right to be. Isabel: It's not easy. Max: (laughs) Yeah. Isabel: Yeah. Back at the Therapists. Jesse: They're following me. Dr. Weiss: Who is? Jesse: My brother in law. Dr.Weiss: To what extent. Jesse: Well he knows I'm coming here. Dr.Weiss: Are you in danger? Jesse: No. No, I-I-I don't know. I don't, I don't know anything anymore. Dr.Weiss: Jesse, you're not helpless. What is it that you want. Jesse: I want out. Dr.Weiss: Then we're gonna figure out a way to get that. Ok. Jesse: Thanks. Look I've gotta get back to the office. Dr.Weiss: Yeah. Alright then, I'll see you later Jesse. Jesse: Ok. (They shake hands) Thanks Dr. Weiss. Jesse leaves and the phone rings. He sits down at the desk. Its Dr.Weiss' wife. Dr.Weiss: Hello. Hey Honey. About 20 min. Yeah I'm almost finished here. Ok. I love you. Bye bye. He hangs up the phone and Michael grabs him and pins him to the desk. Michael: What kind of man listens to another person's secrets for a living? Dr.Weiss: Please don't hurt me. Michael: Does that make you feel powerful? Huh, knowing the deep and dirty things that make Someone tick? You don't know what your dealing with so drop Jesse Remerez as a client. He grabs Jesse's file and leaves. Dr.Weiss: (he picks up the phone) Yes uh, I need the police, no ah, make that the FBI. At a restaurant Jesse meets Isabel for lunch. Jesse: Thanks for meeting me. Isabel: I'm glad you called. (the waiter hands Isabel a menu) Thank you. I-I brought your Sweatshirt. Your grey one, you left it on the couch. I washed it. Jesse: Thanks. Look I've made a decision. Isabel; Oh please don't do this here Jesse not in public. Jesse: No, let's pack out bags. Tonight, we'll go to the airport. We'll leave Roswell. We just won't Come back again. Isable: I Suddenly Mr. Evans walks up. Mr.Evans: Hi, kids. Isabel: Dad. Mr.Evans: What are you doing clear across town? Jesse: Uh we uh. Isabel: Dircas is having a furniture sale. We were just looking for some new Jesse: End tables. Yeah we were looking for end tables so ah, how about you? Mr. Evans: Ah the Falon Case. So everything's ok? Isabel: Yes. Jesse: Great. Mr.Evans: Ok. I'll see you back in the office Jesse and ah, Isabel will you please call your Mother (he kisses her on the forehead) Isabel: Yes. Mr.Evans: Ok, oh hey did you hear ah, Liz Parker dropped out of boarding school? She wasn't Gone very long. You know anything about it? Isabel: No I didn't even know she was back. Mr.Evans: Must've been a very expensive 2 weeks for Jeff Parker. Ok. See you later. He walks away. Jesse: I respect your father I don't like lying to him. Isabel: I don't either. But he's convinced that Max is up to something we just have to be very Careful around him right now. Jesse: See. That's why we have to leave. Look I want to be married to you Isabel but I can't be Married to this situation. Look, you say you want to make this work, this is the only way I can See how. Waiter: What can I get you folks? Need more time? Isabel: I do. Jesse: Let me know when you make up your mind. He picks up his bag and leaves. Back at Michael's pad. Max walks in to Michael sitting on the couch reading Jesse's file. Max: Hey. You ah, you left your bike parked in front of Mrs. Cureys door. (shuffling through letters) You know how pissed she gets about that. Did you hear me? Michael: Yes sir. Max: Isabel stopped by, I promised her we'd stay out of this whole Jesse thing. I know you're Concerned and I agree that our safety should be our number one focus, but we have to leave this To her. Michael: Got it. Max: What is that? Michael: Jesse's file, I took it. I dealt with the therapist while I was there too. Max: Have you lost it? Michael: I'm doing my job. Max: You crossed the line. Who said you could do that? (he kicks the box with the alien stuff In it) Where did you get these. Michael: I made an after hours withdrawl from the saftey deposit box. Max: My name was the only one on the access card at the bank. Michael: (he gets up from the couch) What they're not safe with me? Max: I want you to take the stuff back. I want you to let go of this Jesse thing (Michael turns Away and Max goes to stop him) Michael, I'm serious Michael goes to punch him and puts a hole in the wall. Max: What the hell is wrong with you! Michael: You! You were dad Max and now I'm looking at you and I mean, I don't know, I mean who are you? Are you a ghost? And you're here in my face all day and you're freakin Me out. Max: Let me see your hand. Michael: Hey. I'm fine. Max: Michael you can't even hol Michael: Hey, just leave me alone! Max leaves and Michael finds that he can heal his own hand. At the garage Kyle works for. Kyle: Your timing belt's broken. I should be able to get another one by tommorrow. Jesse: I hate not having a car. Feel trapped. Kyle: How are things going with Isabel? Jesse: Fine. Kyle: Look if you ever need someone Jesse: To talk to? That seems to be a popular sentiment around here. Kyle: Could you hand me that ah, deep socket wrench? Jesse: (he gets it for him) Here you go. Kyle: Look. When I first found out, I couldn't, I couldn't deal, I mean I had to get out of town for a couple of months but once I got used to It there's a lot of good that came out of knowing. Jesse: Kyle I'm an officer of the court. And I see how lies catch up with People and bring them down. Believe me there is nothing good that can Come out of this conspiracy. Kyle: (nods) Well maybe, but I realize that I'm part of something bigger Than myself. Jesse: Well it's not bigger. It's all consuming, there's a difference. They've Robbed you of your life. Kyle: Actually, they gave me one. Jesse: Stop the cheerleading pitch, Kyle. Kyle: It's not cheerleading. I was sht. And I would have died if Max Evans hadn't healed Me. (he slips up with the wrench and hurts his hand) Aw Damn it. I'll be right back. As he turns and walks away Jesse strolls away from the car and a van pulls up and grabs him. Agent: Jesse Remerez. You're coming with us. Jesse: Wha? Who are you? Who are you huh? Help! Kyle rushes out just in time to see them drive away. Kyle: Hey! Jesse is cuffed to a chair in a warehouse room at a table. Then a man walks in. Jesse: Hey. Hey, you have no right to hold me here. (He puts Jesse's breifcase down beside him) Anything you found in there constitutes an illegal search and seizure. He undoes Jesse's cuffs. Jesse: Who the hell are you? Agent: My name is Agent Burnes. FBI. Jesse: What do you want? Agent: Last night a local therapist was thrat. Your therapist. You said your wife's family Was involved in organized crime. Jesse: Well there's been a mistake. Agent: The guy who did it mentioned you by name. Jesse: There's no mob connection. Agent: Then why did you say there was? Jesse: I-It was an analogy. Agent: I believe you. Now let's talk about why you're really here, Jesse. How much do you Know about your brother in law, Max Evans? Later Jesse: I won't lie to you. I'm not the biggest fan of my brother in law. But, Max is just a kid. Troubled but, not a thrat to National Security. Agent Burnes walks over to a shelf and pulls off a box. Agent: Most of these could never go public. People couldn't get their minds around it. He Isn't from this world. He's an alien pretending to be a normal teenage kid. Jesse: (laughs) That's nuts Agent Burnes. Agent: Really? (he hands Jesse a file) Jesse opens the file and sees all the people Nascado mrder and the skins who were klled. Agent: Careers have been destroyed because of Max Evans. People have died. Good people. Jesse: Well if, Max is the mrder you say he is why haven't you arrested him yet? Agent: We tried. I used to be in something called the Special Unit. Now there are only a few Of us left. We knew how dangerous he was. I have another theory. There are more like him. And they have been able to live here for the last 50 years under the cover of lies, mrder and Deceit. I promise you these creatures believe in survival of the fittest. We're an inferior life Form to them. Nothing will stand in their way. Those are just the victims we know about. Trust me Mr. Remerez, we're the good guys. Jesse: How can I help? The agent just smiles. Liz and Max play minature golf. Max: He put his fist right through the wall. His hand was a mess but he wouldn't let me Touch him. Liz: He's probably embarrassed. (Liz's ball goes right in the hole) Max: Nice. Liz: Well my old babysitter Lynn used to work at the snack shack, she let me play here for Free all the time. Max: In light of this new information I think we should reconsider the rules. Liz: No. mm mm. No powers. I'll let you use yours if I can use mine. Liz: That's not so funny. Max: Any sign of them lately? Liz: Ah no, not since Vermont and I'm not complaining. Max bends down to pick up his ball. Max: By the way my father's very curious about your sudden return. I'm sure he thinks that it Has something to do with me. Liz: Yeah well you should just tell him what I told my father. You know that my drug-addicted Roommate wanted me to get into a three way with my Latin teacher. Yeah, I aired on the side Of the dramatic. So, anyway, what you were saying about Michael Max: He can't stand to be around me. I freak him out. Liz: You know it's a hard enough thing to deal with somebody dying Max, it's even weirder To have them come back to life. Max: Am I a ghost? She hits him with her golfclub. Max: Ow. Liz: Guess not. Max: No I mean, are you afraid of me. Liz: No. But I was, I was wondering? Uh, What was it like? When you were dad? Max: I don't, I-I don't want to talk about that. To say it out loud makes it closer. Liz: I understand. Max: But it changed me. I'm not interested in dragging around these responsibilities anymore. Or arguing with Michael about how we do things, or keeping on this impossible quest to find My son. Liz: Max. Max: I need to live in the now. To appreciate all these things I have been taking for granted. Like, Like going to school, or smearing you in Putt putt. Liz: (she laughs) H-Ho, dream on. Max: And I want us to try again. They stand there staring at each other when the cell rings. Max: Hello? Hey Is. What? They all gather together at Isabels apartment. Kyle: They shoved him into a van and then they drove off. Liz: Are you sure it was the FBI? Kyle: They were wearing the uniform. Michael: I knew he'd turn on us. Isabel: Michael he didn't turn on us all right he was taken against his will. Michael: We don't know that. Isabel: I do. Michael: I'm going to find him. Max: No. Wait. Here's what we're gonna do. Kyle and Isabel go back to the garage, See if there are any clues in Jesse's car. Liz you and I will start canvasing the streets for any Sign of the feds, Michael take Maria back to Isabel's apartment Michael: I'm not going to sit around on my ass and wait for something to happen. Max: If Jesse gets away or tries to make contact that's the first place he's gonna go. Michael: Na, I have my own plan. Maxwell I'm warning you. Get out of my way. Max: I don't have time to deal with any of your temper tantrums right now. Michael: And I don't have time for your Isabel: Stop it. Max is in charge, My husband's life is at stake, just do what he says! Michael leaves angrily and slams the door. Maria: Thanks for that assignment Max. (Maria leaves) Isabel: What is wrong with him? Max: I don't know. Let's go. They all leave. Michael and Maria in maria's car with Michael driving like a madman. Maria: Uh, Illegal wrong turn. Hello Isabel's apartment is that way (she points) Michael: We're not going to Isabel's apartment, we're doing things my way now. Maria: Uh, no Max said Michael: Max shoulda stayed dad. Maria: What did you just say. Michael: I'm the leader now. This is how it should have been from the beginning. Maria: All right you know what if this is a joke. Please note that I am in no way busting up. Michael: Look where following Max has gotten us. Alex died cause he betrayed us. He Doesn't even want to be king. Well I want it and I'm good at it and I am stopping this Jesse thing right now. Maria: Jesse's not going to tell anybody. Michael: Jesse is human. Nascado had it right. When someone finds out, they should be eliminated. Maria: Well if you follow that line of thinking then that would apply to me too huh? Michael: You said it I didn't. Maria: This isn't you! Michael: And you know what really pisses me off. No one ever listens to me. You didn't. Not Even when we were together. All you tried to do was make me weak. Maria: No, I loved you. Michael: I stay on this planet for you and you show you're appreciation by dumping me. Yeah you loved me. Suddenly the V on Michael's chest starts glowing blue. Maria: Michael what is on your chest? (she goes to look and sees the V) He goes to knock her hand away and swerves onto the side of the road. Michael: (he opens Maria's door) You never shut up now get out. Maria: Michael. Michael: (He pushes her) Get out! He squeels away before she even closes her door. Back at the Crashdown. Mr. Evans knocks on the crashdown door, he waves to Mr. Parker who is doing paperwork. Mr.Parker: Sorry Phillip the grill's cold. Mr. Evans: Actually I'm not here to eat. Mr.Parker: Oh, well um, Come on in then. Mr. Evans: Keeping busy? Mr.Parker: Well I've been better. What can I do for ya? Mr. Evans: Look, uh, I know I may be out of line with this but ah, it's Liz. Mr. Parker: What about her? Mr. Evans: I was wondering what brought her back from Vermont so soon? Mr.Parker: No offense Phillp, that's family business. Mr.Evans: I-I know it is. But, um, you gotta think it's a little strange. You know a smart Girl like her passing up an educational opportunity like that. You and I have talked about this Before how some of the things Max has Mr.Parker: Look, the girls at Winaman drank and did drugs. Liz felt uncomfortable around Her roommate. In the end it was worth the inconvienance to bring her back home. That's all. Your son had nothing to do with it. Mr. Evans: I see. I'm sorry to bother you. Mr.Parker: Aw. (holds up his hand) Mr.Evans: Oh. Did they give you your deposit back? Mr.Parker: No. Mr.Evans: Most private schools have an ommissions out clause. I could look into that for you. Mr.Parker: Na, it's all right. Mr.Evans: No,no. That's the least I can do. Mr.Parker: I'd appreciate it. (Phillip gets up to leave) Hey Phillip. Don't waste your time not Trusting your son. You know, life is complicated enough. They nod to each other and Phillip leaves. Max and Liz pull up to pick Maria up where Michael left her in the middle of no where. Maria: Ok. Michael's a freak show. Liz: What happened? Maria: He's like a desert wandering Ann Heche times a thousand, babbling about how Max Should have stayed dad because he'd be a better king or something. Max: That's insane. Maria: And he had this like weird thing on his chest. Max: Like what? Maria: I don't know it was like this weird V thing right here. (She shows Max the approx. area) Max: (Max draws the V symbol on the car) Did it look like this? Maria: Yes, that's it. Max: That's the royal seal of Antar. I-it's a mark I have inside me proving I''m the true king. Liz: What if the people who engineered and sent you here built in a back up plan. You know in Case anything happened to you, Michael was encoded to step up as leader. Max: But nothing happened to me, I'm fine. Maria: No, you died. Liz: Max, wait you said that Michael broke his hand. Max: He did. Liz: It looked fine to me, maybe he's inherited other things from you too. Maria: Like what? Back at the Valentis. Max tries to heal the cut on Kyle's hand. Max: It's not working I can't heal it. Liz: How about your other powers? Max: I'm losing the ones that are unique to me. Kyle: Great. So Michael's the bossman? Think he'll offer a benefits plan? Liz: Kyle. Kyle: What? I for one am panicing. I love the guy but I don't want to be a member of any Club where he's the leader. Isabel: What do we do? Max: We have to stop him. This is Michael to the Nth degree. Ruthless, impulsive, dangerous. Liz: The switch got flipped because Max died maybe Michael has to go through the same thing In order to be reset. Maria: No. Max, No. Max: I won't kll him. I just need to figure out a way to take the seal back. Where'd he go? At Isabel's apartment. Jesse: Isabel? Isabel? He turns on the light. Michael: You told them who we are? Jesse: Get the hell out. Michael: You sold us out didn't you? Jesse: Get the hell out Now! Michael: Didn't you! (Michael uses his powers to knock Jesse to the wall) Jesse: No! He moves him up the wall with his powers. Michael: I told Isabel not to bring another human into the secret. But she was so in love, so Max said yes. She was mine first did you know that? We were together before you were born. And we'll be together when you're nothing but bones. Michael finds a hidden camera in Jesse's breifcase. Michael: What do we have here. (he holds up the camera) Jesse: That's not mine. Michael: How'd it get in your breifcase? Jesse: I don't know. Michael: Goodbye Jesse. Just then the rest of the gng comes in. Isabel: Michael! Stop! She runs between Michael and Jesse and puts up her hand. Michael: Maxwell I was right. He was bugged he's working against us. Isabel: LET HIM GO! Jesse: Get out of here Isabel! He's crazy. Michael: Hey Shut up! Max: Back off Michael. Michael: No, he has to die. Max uses his powers and knocks Michael across the room. Jesse falls from the wall and Isabel helps him up. Max: Everybody out. Now! They all leave as Michael tries to slowly get up. Maria: Somebody please tell me it's going to be ok? Isabel: Listen Jesse you were right. We have to get away from here. From all of this so let's just go. Anywhere you want. Jesse: Anywhere? Isabel: Yeah, anywhere. Jesse: Ok, go get the car. Isabel: K. While Isabel goes to get the car Jesse makes a call to Agent Burnes. Agent: Hello. Jesse: Agent Burnes. I'm coming in. Back inside. Michael: You let him go? Max: Michael you have to listen to me. Michael: Hey, don't give orders to me. You died. (he unbuttons his shirt to show Max the Symbols) I'm king. It's your turn to get in line. Max: No. Michael: Ok, then. (He jumps on Max and they fall over the couch) They scrap for a couple of minutes, blwing things up until Max throws Michael back over the Couch. Michael: You're going to be very sorry you did that. They scrap some more. And Michael ends up having Max pinned. Michael: Follow me or die again. Max breaks the glass in the back door in Michael's face and he falls back. Michael screams. He has glass all in his eyes. Max: I will kll you Michael if that's what it takes to stop you. But trust me as someone who Just got back from there you don't want to go. Max puts his hand over the V and it absorbs back into Max. Back at the warehouse. Jesse and Isabel go in together. He shows her where the files were kept. Jesse: Listen you have two minutes. Destroy everything. Ok? Isabel sets all the files on fre with her powers while Jesse leaves to go confront Agent Burnes. Jesse: I told you I'd help you and you put that mic on me. Agent: Nothing personal, I just wanted to make sure you were a man of your word. Jesse: When I file a complaint with the federal prosecutor's office your finished Burnes. Now give me the tape. Agent Burnes: That Michael Guerin has a big mouth doesn't he? He was always one of our Prime suspects but we could never pin anything on him. Jesse: I am serious I will shut you down. Agent Burnes: I don't think so. (He goes and pulls out a gn) With this information I'll have the proper technicians knocking on doors tommorrow morning. Starting with your wifes. That said. (he hold up the gn preparing to fre) Thanks for your Help. In the next room Isabel is still burning the files when she hears a gn. Isabel: Jesse. She runs into the room that she heard the sht and finds Jesse and Agent Burnes. Jesse sht Him. Isabel: Oh gosh. Jesse: We have to go. Back at Michael's pad. Michael laying on his bed. Max hands him a snapple. Max: How are your eyes? Michael: They don't tickle. Thanks for healing them. Max sits down on the bed. Max: That was the best I could do with that. (he tried to heal the mark left by the V. It brned Into Michael's skin on his chest) Can I get you anything else? Michael: No. Max: Look. Michael, uh. We both said some things that we really didn't mean to. And I, I just wanted you to know that I Michael: Save the touchy feely stuff Maxwell. You're the king you did what you had to do. Max: I don't consider myself your boss. Michael: Got it. It's been a suck day, can I get some sleep? He gets up and leaves him alone. Jesse and Isabel drive to a wrecking yard. They put Agent Burnes into a car and close the trunk. Jesse: If they find him they'll identify him. Isabel uses her powers to burn his remains. Isabel: Not now. She uses her powers to pick up the car and move it to the compactor. They watch as the car is compacted. When they get back to their apartment they find it completely trashed. Isabel: If we drive all night we can make it to Dallas. Jesse: I klled a man. Isabel: In self defense. Jesse: I used my gn Isabel. Isabel: Since when do you have a gn. Jesse pulls it out from the back of his pants. Jesse: Since college. I kept it in a strong box in the desk. Isabel: I didn't know. Jesse: I guess I've got some secrets of my own. Isabel takes the gn and puts it into a frying pan and melts it into nothing. Then she throws it in the trash. Isabel: Let's pack. Come on. Let's just g Jesse: No. Isabel: Jesse we can leave Roswell and never come back. Jesse: It doesn't matter it will always be with us. Isabel: Please. Jesse: There's nowhere to go. I'm part of this for good now. Isabel: I love you. Jesse walks into his trashed livingroom and sits down on the couch and Turns on the tv as Isabel tries to clean up. Jesse is watching a show on cooking. Then the tv is turned off and the screen goes black.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x15 - Who died and made you king?"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Crash" Episode: 16 59th Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA16 Written by: David Simkins Directed by: Patrick Norris Original Air Date: April 30, 2002 Previously on Roswell. In a warehouse with the FBI. Jesse: I won't lie to you. I'm not the biggest fan of my brother in law. But Max is just a kid. Agent Burnes: He isn't from this world. He's an alien pretending to be a normal teenage kid. Later Isabel rushes in to find Jesse has sht Agent Burnes. Isabel: Oh gosh. Later at their apartment. Isabel: Jesse we can leave Roswell and never come back. Jesse: There's nowhere to go. I'm part of this for good now. Max and his Dad fishing. Max: I saw the board in your office. I know what you are doing. It isn't right to spy on your own son. Mr.Evans: I'm not spying. I'm trying to figure out what is going on. Michael and Maria in the car together. Maria: Michael what is on your chest? Michael: You never shut up now get out. Maria: Michael. Michael: Get out! At Isabel's apartment. Michael: You died. I'm king. It's your turn to get into line. Max: No. Michael: Ok, then. The fight scene and Max taking back the seal. At the Crashdown. Max, Liz and Kyle sitting at a booth. Liz playing footsie under the table with Max. Liz: Um, did you know there is a full college scholarshipping Offered to potential podiatry practitioners. Max: Really? Liz: Have to keep my business south of the equator though. Max: (he clears his throat) couldn't you come a little farther north. She moves her foot a little father north and Max jumps. Kyle gives her a look. Michael walks in the Crashdown carrying a bunch of boxes and everyone stops what they are doing. Maria shakes her head. Michael: What? Maria: What? Michael: Whatever. He walks past her and puts the boxes away. Liz: No. Max: What? Liz: Still no apologies from Michael. Max: Ahh. Kyle: Hey you know that ah, that king thing tattoo in Michael's chest? Liz: That's gone, Max is king now. Kyle: I know, I know, but what I was gonna say is maybe Michael could get like I'm eternally sorry Tattooed there instead and just flash it every half an hour regardless. Saves time, cuts stress. Liz laughs. Kyle: Do we know the foepa? Maria: Yup, he ah, thrat my life and then shoved me out of a moving vehicle and just left me In the middle of no where in the middle of the night. Michael: (from in the back) The car was stopped and I never thrat to kll you. (He busts Through the back door) Maria: After you suggested it would be better off if I was dad and Jesse and everybody else who knows about your little secret. Michael: It was a suggestion. (They all look perplexed) Why am I always apologizing to you guys About who I am? Maria: That wasn't you, Michael. Michael: Yes it is me. Max was dad. I was king. I did what I had to do. Maria: Fine. Michael: I'm not sorry about it either. Maria: FINE! Michael: No I'm not sorry. Maria: Fine. He walks away and smashes the Crashdown door by slamming it so hard. Later Michael is on his own in the desert and as he tries to start his bike back up he Witnesses a crash. He knows there is something peculiar about it because it affected his bike. He comes up on a downed aircraft and tries to find the pilot. But all he finds is his helmet. The name on the helmet was Griffin. Michael: Griffin you ok? Hey. Anybody? As he gets back on his bike the Calvary comes (helicopters, jeeps etc) so he gets out of there. On the news. Reporter: Here we go again. That's the attitude of most local residents to the news that another UFO has supposedly crashed outside of Roswell. All local merchants are hoping that this latest Close encounter will simulate Roswell's dwindling tourist business. Local officials are down Playing the entire incident as of right now Max and Mr.Parker come in carrying boxes. Mr.Parker: Anything yet? Liz: They're down playing it. Mr.Parker: Even better, make it look like a cover up. Hey Max thanks for helping. Would you Mind remarking those prices. Max: Uh, sure. What do you want them to be? Mr.Parker: Double everything. Liz: I can do it dad. Mr.Parker: No. You two have to be here to handle the rush. Maria looks at him like he just grew two heads. Maria: The rush? Mr.Parker: Yeah. Oh. You're too young to remember. Back in 1986 there was another unexplained Incident outside of town. This place went wild. Oh Max there's a box of neckties, the alien neckties In the back room near the, mustard containers. You mind? Max: No problem. Liz: Um, I don't think they're there any more. In the background. Reporter: We're gonna get ready to start our news conference. From what I'm told Major Pete Carlston from the United States Air Force will be conducting the briefing this morning. Although... Mr.Parker: Unexplained. All he's gotta say is it's unexplained. Unexplained incident. Unexplained encounter. Call it unexplained and those UFO Freaks are gonna be flooding in this Town. We'll be swimmin in cash. Back in the back, Liz finds the ties and hands them to Max. Liz: Here we are. (Max pulls one out) You ok? Max: I'm fine, why? Liz: Well a ship from outerspace just crashed in the desert and you don't have a problem with it. Max: Odds are it's probably nothing. Liz: You're not even curious? Oh you are? Max: I have more important concerns. Liz: Really? Mr.Parker: (from the front) Liz! Would you give me a hand out here? Liz: Coming. She walks away and Michael comes in from the back door. Michael: Hey. Max: Where have you been? Michael: Investigating a potential thrat to our existence. Max: You were in the desert? Michael: All night. Eh, you couldn't see much they got perimeters around the perimeters out there. Max: Leave it alone. Michael: L...Max are you nuts? I saw it. It klled the engine on my bike, it went right Over my head. Max: What'd it look like? Michael: Like a really great sci-fi special effect. Only real. Max: It was probably an air force jet. Michael: How do you know. Max: Words out. Unofficially. Michael: Yeah Max, I could tell you an air force jet was involved but the question is in what? Max: We're too exposed right now. Especially with Jesse. Michael: At least he came through. Max: He klled a federal agent. And right now the last thing we need is some bonifide alien from Another world who's looking for trouble. Michael: You scared I might find something? Max: I'm terrified they'll find you. Michael: Then I'll handle it. He leaves and Max looks worried. Back in the Crashdown. Mr.Parker: Come on, Unexplained, Unexplained baby. One little word. I'd even take Unknown. Say it. Say it! On the TV the federal agents walk up to the podium. Reporter: Major Carlston! Was it a UFO last night! Tell me was it a UFO? Major Carlston: A test flight. (Isabel picks up the phone) Reporter: We're not going to get many words from him right now. Stepping up to the podium Right now, IS Major Carlston who is expected to confirm what most people in Roswell have already Heard through the grapevine. That the UFO seen last night was an Air Force jet on a cross country Test flight, apparently experiencing...(Isabel getting impatient with the phone ringing but no answer) Isabel: Thank you. Jesse's cell: You've reached the cell phone of Jesse Remerez. Please leave a message at the tone and I'll call you back as soon as I can. Isabel hangs up and shakes her head just as someone knocks on the door. Isabel: Hello (she holds up the phone and then realizes that it was the door) Who is it? Mrs.Evans: It's mom. Isabel opens the door not looking very happy about the fact that her mom is there. Isabel: Hi. Mama. How are ya? Mrs.Evans: Surprise. I have a plan. Since the men we live with are in Delaware on business I Thought we should spend some money on clothes. Isabel, what happened to all the furniture? Isabel: Nothing I just you know felt like it was time for a change. Mrs.Evans: You can afford to replace all of the furniture in your apartment? Isabel: We'll manage. Mrs.Evans: Honey are you ok? Isabel: Yeah, I'm fine. Mrs.Evans: I, uh, I talked to your dad this morning and he felt that Jesse was acting a bit differently. (Isabel nods) Did you two have a fight? Isabel: No, mom. We're fine. (Mrs. Evans nods) I swear. Mrs.Evans: Ok. If you need to talk about anything. Isabel: There's nothing to talk about. Besides if there were it would be one of two things. (She walks over to get her coat) Sex or Money. One of which is great. Mrs. Evans: (she laughs) Ok. Then. Isabel: And the other is a budget I'm about to ignore. Let's go buy me some shoes. Mrs.Evans: Let's go. They leave. Back to the interview on the TV at the Crashdown. Major Carlston: Contrary to some reports this was not, repeat not, a UFO or an unexplained incident. (Mr.Evans and Liz blwing up alien balloons suddenly look up) According to twelve minutes past midnight Mr.Evans: Uh. I think it's time for a going out of business sale. Liz: I'm sorry dad. (She hugs him) Sorry. Major Carlston: Crashed nineteen miles northwest of Roswell New Mexico. The jet was based at Edwards air force base (Michael walks up) in California and was engaged in a cross-country test Flight in night conditions. There were no wapon on board. The name of the pilot was Colonel Theodore Griffith. He is the one and only casualty in this unfortunate accident. That's all I'm Prepared to say at this time. However, air force cadet, Connie Griffin, Colonel Griffin's daughter Would like to say a few words. (She walks up to the podium) Connie: Good Morning. I know a lot of people here in Roswell were hoping for some sort of Extra-terrestrial explanation to last night's incident. But we know what happened. We know the Truth. It's important to me that you know, he died doing what he loved. And you should know my Father stayed with his plane until the end. He made sure it went down someplace safe. To protect Your homes and your lives. He was a good man. Michael: Excuse me are you saying he didn't eject? Connie: No, he didn't have the chance to eject. Major Carlston: That's all we have time for now, if we get any more information we'll let you know. Michael looks over at a man staring at him. The air force people walk away and Michael leaves with the strange man staring after him. At the Pineview lodge where Connie Griffith is staying As she is pouring herself a drink someone knocks at the door Michael walks in the room as she takes a drink. Michael: You might want to keep your head clear. Connie: Who the hell are you? Michael: I believe your father's alive. (He holds up the helmet) He made it out of that plane. He hands the helmet to her. Connie: Where did you get this? Michael: In the desert about a half a mile from the crash site. Next to his ejection seat. But he Wasn't there. Connie: What kind of sick Bastard are you huh? Really where did you get this some army navy Surplus? Did you buy some rub on letters right after the news conference? Michael: There's something in the lining you might want to take a look at. She looks in the helmet and finds a picture of her and her dad. As she starts to cry and Michael walk over to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. Michael: Hey. It's ok. (Suddenly she elbows him in the stomach and punches him in the face) Connie: Who are you? Michael: I just wanna know why they lied? Connie: It doesn't matter. Michael: What? Connie: Whatever is going on they must be doing it to protect national security. That's what they Do. Michael: They lied to you. Connie: Whatever I'm told they tell me for a reason. Michael: You're father could still be alive. Connie: Carlston wouldn't lie about that. Michael: How do you know? How do you know that? Connie: Get out! Before I have you arrested for looting the scene of a military investigation. That's A federal offense buddy. You could go away for a long time. Michael just shakes his head and leaves. She picks up the helmet again and cries. In Delaware. Jesse: The battery's dad. Mr.Evans: Your cigar. Mr.Evans lights Jesse's cigar for him. Jesse: Thanks. Mr.Evans: Good work today. You missing home. Jesse: Hmm? Mr.Evans: Isabel? Jesse: What about her? Mr.Evans: Are you missing her? Jesse: Yeah. Sure. Back at the Remerez apartment. Isabel and Mrs.Evans just get back from their shopping spree. They walk in laughing. Mrs.Evans: Oh, my goodness. Have you ever seen discounts like that? I mean, you'd think The whole town was having a, a fre sale. (She drops down on the couch) Isabel: Yeah. Mrs.Evans: How's Max, Isabel? Isabel: Um, Max uh, um, he's fine I- I think he's studying for finals right now. Mrs.Evans: Hmm. Does um, does he know what he's gonna do when he graduates? Back at the hotel. Mr.Evans: Forget I'm your father in law for a second. Jesse: (he laughs) That's impossible. Mr.Evans: Try. You trying? Jesse: Yes, dad. Mr.Evans: Try harder. Jesse: What do you wanna know? Back to the apartment. Mrs.Evans: (she looks at Isabel's wedding picture on the table) Hmm. Nothing worse than being Alone in a house without the one you love is there? Back at the hotel. Mr.Evans: I want to know if everything's ok? Jesse: Everything's uh, a little more difficult than I expected. Mr.Evans: What were you expecting? Jesse: Less difficulty. Mr.Evans nods and laughs Back at the apartment. Isabel: It's ok. He won't be gone forever. Mrs.Evans: Oh, I-it drives me crazy. I mean, I hate being alone in the house when your dad is Gone. The silence is deafening. Back at the hotel. Jesse: (laughs) Look, I'm glad you're concerned really. But at the moment I think I should just keep This between me and Isabel. (He nods) I mean, I know you're her father Mr.Evans: At the moment I'm your friend. I'm serious about this Jesse. I want you to know that you Can come to me with anything you want to discuss. Even if it's about your wife. I've known her Slightly longer than you. So. Door's open that's all I'm saying. Jesse: Thanks. (Mr.Evans nods and they go back to smoking their cigars) Back at the apartment. Mrs.Evans: I could sure use some company. Isabel: Um Mrs.Evans: I could make double fudge brownies. Isabel: Not fair Mrs.Evans: I am an evil manipulative woman. Just ask your dad. Isabel: (laughs) Mrs.Evans: What do you say? Isabel: Sounds great. Mrs.Evans: Great. At a junkyard, in private meeting. Major Carlston: What's this about Cadet Griffin? Connie: Thank you for meeting me here sir, I just didn't feel comfortable coming onto the base with This. Major Carlston: With what? She reaches into her car and shows him the helmet. Major Carlston: Where'd you get this? Connie: Through a friendly sir. Sir, is my father alive? Major Carlston: Has your father been depressed lately? Acting different? Has he said anything that Would indicate that Connie: You think he klled himself? Major Carlston: We can't find him? We have reason to believe he may have gone over. With information Relating to the Raptor. Connie: No. Major Carlston: We have searched everywhere within a ten mile radius. If he contacts you. I need To know about it. Connie: My father is not a traitor sir. Major Carlston: I hope you're right. There's nothing else you can do here. Go back to Colerado, I will contact you if I hear anything. Connie: Yes sir. He takes the helmet from her and she gets into her car and drives away. The mysterious man comes out from in between two trailers and walks over to Major Carlston. Mysteryman: That was quite a yarn. Major Carlston: Find the friendly that gave her the helmet. I'll meet with you later. Mysteryman: Sure. Maybe we can split a malt or something? Later that night. Connie is driving home from the meeting when suddenly a 4x4 shows up in her rearview mirror Blaring his highbeams in her eyes. Then he hits her from the rear. Connie: Wha? Suddenly he veers around her and knocks her off the embankment. It's the mysteryman. He Gets out of the 4x4 and walks to where she is turned upside down in her car. Connie: Help me please. Somebody please help me. He looks in and sees her trapped and hurt. Connie: Help. Help me. Mysteryman: Hey. (She looks at him) It's a beautiful night. Just try and relax. Enjoy the desert Air. (He walks away and sets a bmb on the car) Connie: Help. Help me. Then he runs back to the car and drives away. Connie: (crying) Somebody please help me. Help. Help me please. As he pulls away Michael drives up on his motorcycle. Connie: Help. Help me please. Michael: Cover your face. She does as he asks and he uses his powers to get the door off. He reaches in and pulls her out. Connie: How did you do that? Michael: Do what? Connie: The door? How did you, you? Michael: The crash loosened the hinges. Come on. Connie: What? Michael: Come on just I think we should get going They hurry back to Michael's bike. Connie: Wait a minute how did you know that I was Michael: I told you, you're being lied to I had a feeling that they would try something once you turned that helmet in to the Major with the attitude. She stops. Connie: You followed me! Who the hell do you think you are! Suddenly the car blows up and they shield their faces from the blast. Michael: Any more questions? He walks away and gets on his bike. She stares after him, looks back at the car and decides to follow him. Back at the Crashdown. Liz: Stop it. Max: What? Liz: Pretending. Max: What am I pretending? Liz: That you don't know any of this. Max: It's all a mystery to me. (He smiles) Liz: Well me too. Michael walks in with Connie in tow. Michael: Hey. This is Connie. Her father is the pilot of that crashed jet. Air force says he's a Traitor on the run but Connie doesn't buy it. Neither do I. They tried to kll her. Connie: Michael says you can help me. Max: Do what? Connie: Find my father? Max: Can I talk to you a second? He and Michael walk away from Connie. Max: What's going on? Michael: That's what we gotta try to figure out. Max: What I'm trying to figure out Michael is you? I don't even know what to say? Michael: That's why you gotta trust your second in command to know what's right. Max: What's right, or what's next. JFK was klled by aliens? What's happening to you? Michael: Me? What's happening to you? We got a major situation here and you don't Seem to care. Max: Which situation would that be, her or you. He walks back into the Crashdown. Maria hands two Milkshakes to the Major and the Assassin. Assassin: Major? Could I have a penne pasta with chicken sun dried tomatoes in a marinera Sauce please. Maria: Ah, no. We only have spaghetti. Assassin: That's not what I want. Maria: What you want is the Olive Garden. Major: He'll have a hamburger. Just bring him a hamburger. Maria nods and walks away. Assassin: I don't eat red meat. Major: Did you do it? Assassin: (sipping on his milkshake, he nods) Major: Did you find anything in her hotel room? Assassin: No. Major: What about the helmet? Who gave it to her? Assassin: Kid named Michael Guerin. Id him off a local news tape. Major: Are you sure it's him? Assassin: I will be after I break a few of his fingers. This is a great milkshake. Maria looks over at him. Maria: Sun dried tomatoes. Michael grabs her from inside the back room and pulls her in. Michael: We need to talk. Maria: Ow. You should be slapped. (She hits him, then looks over at Connie) Who's this? Connie: Connie Griffin. Maria: Oh you're the pilot's daughter right? Michael: Yeah she's in trouble. Connie: My father's missing. Maria: Missing? Isn't he the news has been saying that Michael: No. He's not dad. Max: Michael says the man with the air force guy is the kller. Michael: Yeah he ran her car off the road and tried to blow it up because she has proof that the air force is Lying to the public about her father. Come on guys the air force is hiding something. Maybe a crashed UFO. They all look at each other. Max: What do you propose? Liz looks out the window on the Crashdown's door. Liz: They're leaving. They all go watch the Major and the Assassin leave. Michael: I say we hook the small fish to hook the big fish. Max: Do you really think there's a ship mixed up in this? Michael: I'm not sure but I'm not sure it's important anymore either. Max: So what is? Michael: Doing the right thing. Max: Was there a collision? Michael: What between me and her? Max: Between her father's ship and the UFO. Michael: Maybe. I don't know. You gotta help me. Max: We force the little fish to talk and we're at risk. (They watch them from the Crashdown window) We might have to kll him. (he looks at Michael) Michael looks at the alien masks on sale at the Crashdown. Michael: I've got a better idea. At the Air Force base. Major Carlston walks into a secured room and takes the sack off a man tied to a gurney. Griffin: Pete? Carlston: Ted. Griffin: So what now? No more questions. Carlston: No more questions. Griffin: Well I got one for you? Who was flying that thing? Carlston: Soon as we figure out how to get the cockpit open we'll have an answer to that question. But I'm afraid you won't. Griffin: Because I'll be dad. Carlston: Actually you already are. Griffin: I never ejected. Carlson: (he shakes his head) No. Griffin: What does Connie think? Carlston: What the rest of the media fed world thinks that you brought a malfunctioning billion Dollar jet down into an unpopulated area to save lives. Griffin: And the guards outside my door? Carlston: They think you're a saboteur and spy. And they'd like to see you sht. Griffin: And here I am just a guy that ran into a UFO. Carlston: Well we've got, protocol in these kinds of situations. Griffin: Protocol? Carlston: I'm sorry Ted. (he puts the sack back over his head and leaves) At the Evans' Mrs.Evans: So it's a nice restaurant? Isabel: Yeah. Mrs.Evans: Jesse likes it? Isabel: Yes. Mrs.Evans: But you like it more. Isabel: We like it exactly the same. Mrs.Evans: (she laughs) Uh, you know, what does he hate? Isabel: What? Mrs.Evans: Well I mean you know honey you're father he hates uh, health food and French movies. What does Jesse hate? Isabel: I don't know. Mrs.Evans: You don't know? Isabel: He doesn't hate anything. Mom where is, where is this going? Mrs.Evans: Honey, I'm, I'm just trying to make a little conversation. You know I, I miss talking To you. Bout things that matter. We used to do that. Talk. Isabel: Mom. Mrs.Evans: What? Isabel: I just want to thank you. Mrs.Evans: For what? Isabel: For letting me be who I am. For accepting Jesse and me. Mrs.Evans: Honey you don't have to thank me for that. It's not a chore. You're my daughter. I Should thank you for having all the patience you've had with me. (Isabel laughs) So? How about Blueberry pancakes? Isabel: Now? Mrs.Evans: No, No. In the morning. I mean, your room is still there. Isabel: Oh, I-I should probably get back home. I mean, Jesse might call and Mrs.Evans: You have your cellphone don't you? Isabel: Yeah, but I do kinda miss my old bed. Mrs.Evans: Great. The Assassin walks into Michael's pad with a flashlight, obviously looking for something. Suddenly the door opens and when he looks back there is nobody there. He turns around and there Are two aliens (Michael and Max) standing there. He tries to sh*t them but they throw his gn to The wall with their powers. Back at the Evans. Mrs.Evans is on the phone with Mr.Evans. Mr.Evans: She didn't leave did she? You got her to stay? Mrs.Evans: She's here. She's asleep. I-I just don't feel right about this Phillip. Mr.Evans: We're not doing anything they didn't do. Mrs.Evans: Well what have they done? I mean, if you know something specific or you have some Proof will you just tell me? Mr.Evans: They are not who they say they are. Mrs.Evans: Is that what Jesse's telling you? Mr.Evans: No. Jesse's not talking. Mrs.Evans: Well maybe that's because there is nothing to say. Mr.Evans: NA. He's hiding something. He's not the same man that married our daughter. He's Changed and I think what changed him was knowledge. Mrs.Evans: Of what? Mr.Evans: That's what we're going to find out. Did you do what I told you? Mrs.Evans: Yes. Mr.Evans: Honey. They left us with no choice. They forced us to do this. Mrs.Evans: I know. I know. Back at Michael's. The Assassin is bound by an invisible force to the chair. Assassin: Oh my gosh. What do you want? What do you want! Alien: Where is Colonel Griffin? Where is Colonel Griffin? Assassin: I-I I don't know who that is? Look what is this? The other alien uses his powers to spin the chair at incredible speeds. Max and Michael turn around take off their masks and take another breath of Helium. Then Max stops him from spinning. Max: Where is our ship? (He pulls up his hand) Prepare the probe. Assassin: Wait. Uh, wait, wait. I-I-I I swear I-I don't know anything. Max: Where is Colonel Griffin, where is our ship? We will get answers. Max spins him again. Back at the Crashdown. Max comes down the stairs dressed as a military officer. Michael: They're gonna kll him. Connie: What? Michael: He saw something and they need to get rid of him. Clean team is on it's way to pick him Up and take him to the desert. Max: We're getting there first. Connie: Where'd you get those clothes? Michael: We got a plan. Connie: You've got a plan? No,no,no,no. We're talking about my dad here. I'm not just gonna let some highschoolers Maria: Hey. We've had practice Ok. Connie: Who are you people? Michael: We're the good guys. Maxwell we gotta go. Max: (to Liz) Hey. You know when to meet us? Liz: In two hours. Max: All right. Connie we'll get him back. I promise. Max goes to leave and Liz grabs him. Liz: Hey. Be careful. If there really is a spaceship don't get on it. Max: Not a chance in hell. Max puts on his hat and Michael goes to say goodbye to Maria. Michael: By the way, I'm sorry for ever suggesting that you'd be better off dad. Maria: Go. Do a good thing. They leave with the girls looking on. Connie: They're gonna need ID's to get on the base. Maria and Liz just look at each other. At the base. The guard comes over to the van. The assassin shows him his ID and they drive on. Michael (as the assassin): It's up here on the right. Max: Got it. Go check out the ship. If there is one. Michael: And if there's occupants. Max: We'll deal with that later. I got this. Michael: Ok. Michael walks off and Max stops outside of the guarded room. Max: I'm here for him. Guard: And who are you? Max: None of your damn business soldier eyes front! Don't look at me! Open the door. They open the door and Max brings the gurney into the room. Max: Close it. (Max pulls the sack off Colonel Griffin's face) Colonel Griffin? Connie sent us. Max lifts up the bottom of the sheet on the gurney and the assassin is lying there tied up and his Mouth taped. In the meantime, Michael as the assassin is checking out the secured area. He sees a whole bunch of suited scientists gathered in a lower deck. He walks through a door with a sign saying BIO HAZARD ENTRY PROHIBITED, and walks Down to the lower level. Here he sees tables full of debris. He finds something that looks like it might Be an alien artifact so he takes it. Back in Giffin's cell the guard is looking in and is getting antsy. Max glares at him. Back at the Crashdown. The three girls are sitting around waiting. Liz: It will be ok. Connie: Should have gone with them. Maria: Would have been stopped. Connie: They could die. Liz: They've had practice. Connie: Dying. Liz: No. I mean things like this. Connie: Do things like this happen a lot around here? Maria and Liz just look at each other. Connie: Why don't you leave? Maria: We've tried. Liz: No place like home. Connie: If they get him out. Liz: They will. Connie: We won't be able to go home. They'll come after us. Let em. Back at the base. Max: Is there a ship? Michael (as the assassin): There's a ship. Max: Damn it. Michael: Don't you hate it when I'm right? Max: Usually but to be clear I don't hate you. Michael: I know that. Where's Griffin? Max: The guard gave me some trouble. We gotta go. Intercom: Major Carlston. Code Eight. Major: (picks up the phone) Major Carlston. Down in the secured area. Scientist: It was right here. Major: Give me your sidearm. We've got a breach. He takes off up to the upper level. By that time Max and Michael are in the van on route. He goes up to Griffin's cell and sh*t him. When Max and Michael clear the gate, Michael uses his powers to change his face back to One of the masks they were using to scare the assassin. He takes it off. Michael: This is where I'd step on it. The Major takes off the sack and finds that he has just sht the assassin. Later, Michael hands a cloth to Colonel Griffin. Griffin: Thanks. Michael: Not a problem. Griffin: Now, who are you? Michael: The Calvary. Your daughter's waiting for you. She knows everything. Griffin: Everything? Michael: Enough to know that your lives are going to be very different. Griffin: I guess that means we'll be running? Michael: I guess so. You might want to keep the UFO thing to yourself. Griffin: How do you know about that? Michael: We got our ways. They pull up to Max's blue car and they are waiting for them. Connie: Dad. (She hugs him) Griffin: Connie. Oh. Max puts his hand on the van and uses his powers to change the color. Michael: I think you guys better get going. Griffin: Yeah, they're going to be looking for silver He looks over at the van and it is no longer silver it's white. Griffin: Uh wasn't that van ? Connie: How did you do that? Max: Like the man said, we've got ways. Connie: (looks at Michael) thank you. She hugs him. Griffin: Let's go. Griffin goes to leave. Liz: That was different. Saving someone else's bacon for a change. Max: (Smiles) Yeah. Feels good. Griffin drives off. Michael: (holds up the artifact) there's a ship. Liz: Wonderful and is there an alien pilot? Max: Don't know. Maria: Don't you want to find out? Michael: For now, we should stay as far away as possible from that base. Max: Fine with me. Let's go home. He hugs Liz to him. Max: We'll do this another day. Maria walks over to Michael and punches him playfully in the arm. Then they get in the car and drive off. Back at Evans'. Mrs. Evans is making blueberry pancakes. Mrs.Evans: Isabel! Honey breakfast is almost ready. Isabel: (on her cell) Hello? Jesse: Did I wake you up? Isabel: No I'm up. How are you? Jesse? Jesse: Your father's asking questions. Isabel: What do you mean? Jesse: I mean he's on to you. He knows I'm covering something up. He knows it's something bad. Isabel: How can he know that? Jesse: Because he's not stupid, Isabel. Isabel: What did you tell him? Jesse: I didn't tell him anything. Isabel: (sighs) When are you coming home? Jesse: We'll be back tonight. Where are you? Isabel: At my mom's. Jesse: She giving you the third degree? Isabel: Yes. Jesse: It's just a matter of time. They're working on this together now. Isabel: Damn it. Damn it! Jesse: It's just a matter of time. Isabel: I have to go. She hangs up the phone and uses her powers to vent. Little does she know that her mom has put A Video Recorder in her room and has recorded the whole thing. Mrs.Evans: (she hears banging upstairs) Isabel? Are you all right honey? Isabel: Yes Mother. I'm fine. Just fine. Later that night. Mrs.Evans plays the tape over and over not believing what she is seeing. Then Mr.Evans comes home. Mr.Evans: Honey, I'm home. What's wrong? Hey are you ok? Honey, are you ok? (She nods toward the TV and plays the tape for him) Oh my gosh! (She puts her face in his Shoulder)	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x16 - Crash"}	foreverdreaming
Title: "Graduation" Episode: 18 61st Episode of Roswell Season: 3 Production Code: 3ADA18 Written by: Jason Katims & Ronald D. Moore Directed by: Allison Leddi-Brown Original Air Date: May 14, 2002 Previously on Roswell... Fortune Teller: I've never seen the cards fall like this before. Boy. He's different. Flashback of Liz igniting her schoolbook. Max: I didn't do that. Liz: I did. Liz blasting Tess with her powers. Liz: You healed me and now I'm different. Isabel on tape using her powers while her parents watch. Mr. Evans: Can you please just tell us what this means? Who are you? Flash to Kyle on the payphone. Kyle: Tess is back? Flash to Tess handing Max their son. Then to them sitting and talking to their parents. Isabel: Max's baby is an, is an alien. So am I. The FBI searching the Evans', and find the tape of Isabel. Then to Tess in the car with Liz. Liz: You're not going to let them throw you in the white room are you? Tess: No. Tess going through the gate and the compound blwing up. At the Crashdown. Liz: I'm not religious but I've been to church. I know right from wrong. And I know it's wrong to benefit in any way from someone else's passing. But I won't deny that Tess's death has freed me. Like a dark shadow passed Over the sun before the light came flooding back (looking at a paper about the explsin) It's a brand new day. Full of possibilities and hope. I haven't felt Like that in a long long time. (She looks over at Max sitting at the counter at the Crashdown) It's different for Max. He lost more than his son. He lost the sense of Direction to his life, his sense of purpose. He puts up a brave front but, I know. What are you still doing here? Got it hot for some local waitress? Max: That's the rumor. Have you heard from North Western yet? Liz: Still waiting. Max: You must be nervous. Liz: I'm trying to handle the whole college acceptance thing with grace and aplumb. Max: Aplumb? (smiling) Liz: Yeah it's an SAT word that I just can't get outta my head. It's slowly driving me crazy. Max: Liz. What if I came with you to North Western. Liz: Max if that's something that you seriously think you could or would do then fine. We'll, We'll talk about it otherwize please don't put me through the whole emotional rollercoaster. Customer: Excuse me, Miss? Liz: I'll be right back. Customer: Thank you. She hands Liz the check and as she does Liz gets a flash of the customer being sht and klled by a mugger. Max gets up and goes to her as she sits down stunned. Max: Hey what's wrong. Liz: That woman that just walked out of here. Max: What about her? Liz: I think she's going to be mrder. Max: What are you talking about? Liz: She was walking down an alley and there was a man with a gn. Max: Are you telling me that you saw the future? Liz: I saw something. We have to go after her. They leave the Crashdown and go down a back alley. Liz: Around here. Max: Are you sure that They make it around just to see her walk away and the man grab her in an attempt to mug her Woman: Please. Liz: Max. (Max uses his powers to get the gn away from the would be mugger and sets off a car Alarm and scares the man away) Liz: Ok. Let's go, let's go. Max looks on for a second at the woman and then runs away. Liz: The trouble with making plans for the future Hogens Air Force Base : New Mexico The men are rummaging through the debree. Liz: Even when you can see the future, is that fate has a way of intervening. And upsetting the best laid Plans of mice and men. Robert Burns 1785. That was on the SAT too. The men find the tape of Isabel using her powers. At the Remerez's apartment. Jesse is on the phone as Isabel walks in. Jesse: So this is for real. Well um, I'm going to have to get back to you on that. Bye. Isabel: What? Jesse: Uh, my friend Chris Hobson. He just made partner at Langtree, Watkins and Sullivan. One of the top law firms in Boston. Isabel: That's nice. Jesse: And he needs someone to take over their litigation department. Isabel: Oh. So Boston huh? Well, what does it pay? Jesse: 3 - 50 to start. Isabel: Jesse get real, we can't live on 3 50 a week. Especially in that city, I mean the cost of living Alone would be at least I don't know.. Jesse: No. 3 50 a year. Isabel: So you, you mean I-it's Jesse: Three hundred and fifty thousand. Isabel: A year? Jesse: (laughs) A year. Isabel: (she hugs him) Oh my gosh. Honey that is so great. Oh my gosh. Jesse: So does that mean I'm taking it, we're going. Isabel: Probably. (she laughs and hugs him again) Back at the Crashdown. Maria: So you're clairvoyant now? Liz: I'm not clairvoyant, it only happened once. Maria: All right, do you think you can tell me what's going to happen between me and spaceboy? Maria and Liz walk up to Michael who is waiting with an order and he stares at them. Liz: It's probably beyond my capabilities. Maria: Yeah, tell me about it. Well at least we'll always have each other right? Liz: Yeah of course we will. They take their order to their tables. Liz walks up to Kyle. Liz: What have you been doing? Kyle: It's called working for the man. Liz: In a sewer? Kyle: Close, been flushing septic lines for a 1975 RV. Mr.Parker walks into the room holding a letter. Liz walks up to him. Mr. Parker: From North Western University. An acceptance letter? Liz: Well either that or a dig letter. The bell rings and they both look over. Michael: Sorry. Your orbit rings are ready. Mr.Parker sighs and hands the letter to Liz. As she takes it she gets a flash. She sees that it is an acceptance letter. Liz: I've been accepted. Mr.Parker: You haven't even opened it yet She opens the letter and smiles at her dad. Liz: I did, I got in. (he hugs her) Mr.Parker: Whew hew! Maria looks on Kyle: (clapping) I gotta do something with my life. At the Valenti's house. Kyle: Anyway, thank's for taking this meeting. Boss: Meeting? You just said you were springin' for lunch. Kyle: All right but, I thought we could talk a little. Boss: Are you going to complain? Look, trailer sewage is part of the job buddy. Kyle: It's not about that. It's just that I-I've actually, I've been thinking about my future. Boss: Oh so it's a money thing. Well, look all the salary's are frozen. Do you watch t.v.? No we're in the middle of a recession I can't be dolin' out money Kyle: No-no-no. That's not don't worry about it. Um. I think that I have a lot to offer. Jim walks in and listens in. Kyle: Maybe we can expand, one day even open a new garage. Anyway I was just, I was wondering if you Would consider taking on a partner? Boss: Partner? Look I'm sorry but that's not the way things work. You're a kid. You're not even my Mechanic. You're an assistant. Kyle: Yeah you're right let's just drop it. Boss: Partner. Sounds a little crazy. (laughs) Valenti looks away concerned for his son. At a Hotel. FBI Agent 1: One of my men picked this out of the rubble a few night's ago. He puts in the tape of Isabel into a player and plays it for the other agents. General: Is she the thing that destroyed our base? FBI Agent 1: Possibly. FBI Agent 3: There are several canditates. General: Can the Special Unit DEAL with this? FBI Agent 3: The Special Unit no longer exists. FBI Agent 1: Neither does this meeting. General: Right. FBI Agent 3: However the members of the unit do remain in contact with one another. General: Then you can take care of this FBI Agent 3: That's why you contacted us isn't it, General? General: We lost a lot of good people at Rodgers. I don't want it to happen again. FBI Agent 1: When this is over these creatures will never bother anyone ever again. Max: Congratulations. Liz: You said that already. Max: Oh (kisses Liz) Liz: But I like the way you say it. Max: You college girls. Liz: Hey we want to be loved for our minds not for our bodies. You serious, you know about wanting to Come with me. Max: I've never been more serious. What a great mind you have. Liz: No, I don't think that's my mind. But keep looking, I'm sure you'll find it. Max: Really. Liz: Umhmm. Remember I can tell the future. And tonight. Your future looks very very bright. Liz kisses him and as she does she gets a flash of the 4 of them being sht and klled. First Max, then Michael, then Isabel and finally her. She sits back stunned. Max: What. Liz: We're all going to be klled. Liz and Max get everyone together and meet there. Liz: It was terrible we're all klled I saw it. Maria: All as in everybody? Liz: Max, Isabel, Michael and me. Michael: I dream we all get whacked ever other night. Why the meeting? Max: Liz started to have premonitions. From touching people. Uh, she saw a woman about to be klled in An armed robbery. We followed them and we were able to stop it. Jesse: You believe it you think this could really happen? Max: I think we should all take this seriously. Michael: Ok, so where do we get popped? When do we get popped? And who pops us? Liz: I don't know. The flashes were sort of impressionistic. Jim: We need more information. Isabel: Where were you. Where were you when you had the flashes? Max: Here. Kyle: You said you got these flashes from touching people. Liz: We were. I was touching people. Maria: How Cozy Isabel: I think we should just focus on what we should do next. Max: Right. Uh, we should all stay on guard. Liz and I will attempt to ah Kyle: Achieve another flash? Max: Seems like the thing to do. Maria: So I ah, I take it I have no homework right. Ok. So ah, I gotta speak to you spaceboy? We have an appointment tommorrow. Michael and Maria go for a visit at the Psychics. Psychic: So what do you want out of this relationship? I mean where did each of you see yourselves? Say 5 years from now. Michael: The current theory is I'm gonna be dust. Psychic: Dust? Michael: dad. Ca-put. Finito Michaelito. No offense can we get to the part where you take out your Crystal ball and I wanna get back in time for WWF. Maria: I apologize for him. Michael please, I really just, I need for you to try and help me figure this out All right. Michael: You're the one who broke up with me two seconds after you sucked face with your ex-boyfriend. Maria: What about that thing with Courtney last year? Michael: Those were extenuating circumstances. She was a Michael worshipper. Maria: Oh, there are always extenuating circumstances aren't there? You know what? I'm just sick of it. I am sick of it Michael. They both look at the psychic who is looking at them as if they both have a screw loose. Maria: Um, I apologize, I See we're hopeless. Psychic: Maria would you mind if I speak to Michael alone for a few minutes? Maria: Why? I want to hear everything you have to say though. Psychic: This is not about you and Michael. This is much bigger than your relationship. Maria: Of course it is. Everything always is, isn't it. Ok. Pyschic: Michael. Something bad is about to happen. She turns over the cards as Michael looks on perplexed. Psychic: Very bad. And there is only one way to keep it from happening. You must believe in the love. Michael: Believe in the love. I have no idea what that means. Psychic: I know you don't. But try to. It could save your life and others. Michael: I think you're a fraud. She holds up a card for him to take. Psychic: So you don't forget. He takes it and it is the Lovers card. He walks out to find Maria waiting for him. Michael: Come on, she's a flake. Let's go. Maria: I don't believe this. You are not going to tell me what she said. You know this is so indicitive. Michael: Shut up! She goes to stop him and he blows up a flower pot with his powers. Then we see the sht in a picture on a table in the hotel room with the FBI. Back at wherever (either Liz's, Michael's apartment) Max and Liz on a bed together trying to achieve another flash. Liz: Tough job. Max: Yeah somebody's gotta do it. Liz: So what's happening to me Max. I mean what does this mean, am I becoming one of you? Max: I don't know but whatever is happening we're together now. They kiss some more and Liz gets another flash. She sees a man at a podeum and then, them getting sht Again. She sits up. Max: Did you see something? Liz: I saw you get klled again. Whoa what a second there was someone there. I've seen him before. Max: Who was it? She gets off the bed and starts looking for something. Liz: That face. I know I've seen that face before. Where is that. She grabs a book. It has a picture of a man with the name Bryce McCain. Liz: This is him. He was there the moment that you got, the moment that you got klled. I mean, he was giving a speech or something. Max: Bryce McCain? He's going to be the guest of honor at the UFO Convention. We die June 12th. Liz: That's less than 2 weeks. Max: We have 12 days to figure out how to stop it. At the Pod Chamber. They gather together again. Michael: So who's this Bryce McCain? Liz: He's a science fiction novelist and he'll be at the UFO Convention. Max: So we have less than 2 weeks before we're all klled. Maria: Gosh, how does this happen? And why now? Liz: Well it probably has something to do with Tess destroying the base. Michael: Maybe they found your mom's videotape. Isabel: What now it's my fault? Michael: I'm just saying they put it together pretty quick. Jesse: Look. It's not going to help to point fingers. Ok. Jim: He's right. We need to come up with a plan as a team. Michael: Team? Look at us, it's rediculous. Maria: Michael you're not helping. Max: She's right. Michael: Ok, fine then help. What's the plan? They all look at Max. Max: I won't make this decision for everyone. I've given up the throne. I'm not a king. And your not my second in command. And you're not a princess. We're just fighting for our lives. Isabel: Well then we need to start planning on how to fight back. Michael: I got a better idea. Why don't we get out of Dodge before they land on us? I mean, we leave. Kyle: And where do we go? Michael: Anywhere but here. I mean, let's face it. They know who we are, it's over. We leave Roswell, We leave fast and we leave as quietly as we can. We all go seperately. Maria: Seperately? Michael: Right now we're safer as individuals, then we are as a group. I mean, what are we all going to do if we go together? Get a van? If we go quietly into the night. Each of us on our own. If they get some of Us, maybe they don't get all of us. Jim: Wait a minute. We all go? Michael: Right now the only ones in danger, according to the crystal ball here are, me, Max, Isabel and Liz. So the rest of you are safe. You can stay here. Maria: Oh what, so now I'm not invited? Michael: Maria. Maria: You're just, you're just gonna leave me here, I mean. You know this is incred . This is perfect. This is just a perfect way to end this entire stupid thing. Forget it. Fine. Goodbye, Good luck. She goes to leave and Michael makes to go after her but Liz steps in. Liz: Hey. Let me. They go off. Max: If we're gonna go we shouldn't hesitate. We should start leaving right after graduation. One at a time. And we don't look back. Liz: Maria. Maria: What! Liz: Wait! Where. Maria what is your problem? What's your problem! Maria: I have risked my life. I have given up everything. I mean, every other friend I've ever had I've Completely blown off. My mother doesn't even know me anymore. And now that it's all over, you're one of them. You're part of it. You're gonna go off with them and leave me in Roswell when I'm gonna be stuck here just a waitress for the rest of my life. Liz: Can you really look at me and say this! I am most likely about to get klled in 12 days and what are you saying? You are saying that you are pissed off because you're not getting klled too? Maria: Yes. I don't I m falling apart here Liz Ok. I know I'm rediculous right now. I know I sound crazy but I... Liz: All I have heard for the past five months is how you want out of the alien chaos. And now, what you want back in? Maria! Maria: I just Liz: Maria. Which one is it? Do you want in or do you want out? Maria: I don't know. I don't know which one is better for me? You can see the future Liz, please. Tell me, Hold me hand maybe you'll have a flash, just tell me which one is better for me Liz: Maria, maria, maria. (she places her hands on her friends face) Listen to me, You've got to stop. Ok. Who knows. All right. I can see the future. And I have no idea. Look, maybe you just, you need to try and decide what you want and then go get it. Ok? They hug each other. Jim: Well I guess we stay here huh. Kyle: Yeah this'll be fun. We could take bets on when they're gonna repossess our house. Jim: I made a call on your behalf. Kyle: What are you talking about? Jim hands Kyle a badge. Kyle: What's this? Jim: Local Police badge. Sheriff Hanson wants to give you a sht in the sheriff's office. Kyle: Dad. This is the last thing I want to do with my life. Being a cop like you and grandpa that's My worst nightmare. Jim: Hey you can do whatever the hell you want but this badge is an honor. And being a law enforcement Officer is not a nightmare it's a dream. Kyle: Your dream. Why the hell are you calling in favors to get me a badge anyway. And all this time You haven't lifted a finger to get your own badge back. He walks away. Jesse: I'll call Boston and tell them to give the job to someone else. Isabel: No. Take the job. We'll go to Boston. We'll figure out a way, I'm not just gonna let this stop Us anymore. Jesse: Isabel are you sure? Isabel: Yes. Take the job. They hug. Isabel: I can't believe it's all ending this way. Michael: Well I'm not graduating so I guess I'll be the first to leave. Max: Michael, look. Michael: Uh, I'm travelling light, so you can have my Metallica Cd's. Max: I know things between us have been a little uh Michael: Eh uh, Maxwell don't cause, I can. (can't?) He hugs Michael as they all gather around. At the hotel room they have pictures laid out on the table in front of the woman Max and Liz saved. FBI Agent 1: The sooner you help us Mrs, Mills, the sooner you can return home. Mrs. Mills: They helped me. They saved my life. FBI Agent 3: I'm sure you're two children will be very happy to see you. It's getting late. She looks up at them and looks at the pictures. She picks out Max and Liz. FBI Agent 1: Thank you. Mrs. Mills: Can I go now? She grabs her purse and they stand. FBI Agent 1: You were never here. (she nods) You never saw us. Agent 3 walks her out and Agent one sorts through the picture and puts Michael, Max, Liz and Isabel on The top of the pile. FBI Agent 1: These four. This is everyone. Now we can move. FBI Agent 3: Where? FBI Agent 1: Some place where they're all together. Indoors. A facility we can lock down. Some place Where they won't expect it to happen. Maria walks up to Michael's. Maria: I thought you were leaving? Michael: I am. But I just wanted I don't know. Maria: To say goodbye? Michael: I wanted to say that this whole thing has been screwed up from the beginning. You and me. Us, Just the whole long stupid story. Maria: Thanks. Michael: But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's meant so much to me. You know, from day one, from The moment that I kidnapped you and stole your car. I knew you were the girl for me. I never wanted any One else. Maria: Michael. Michael: I still don't just, wherever I'm going, whatever I'm doing just know I'll always love you. He starts his bike and leaves. Maria: Wait., no, you just can't say that and Liz and Max on the crashdown's balcony. Liz is lighting candles and Max is folding a blanket. Max: Liz, I've been thinking about what happened before. We saved that woman's life. Liz: I know. Max: I just, I have this weird feeling about it. Liz: Oh, what do you mean. Max: Uh, I've just been feeling like (he walks over to the barbecue) I have no path, You know. No where to go. Maybe th- maybe that's why I've been put here. To help people. Maybe that's what I should do with my life after I leave Roswell. Liz: Like Tom Jode in Grapes of Wrath. Doing good deeds and avoiding the law. Max: The thing is that I can't do that without you. Liz: I would do anything if it means being with you. He smiles at her and lifts the barbecue lid and takes out a piece of coal. Max: Trick I learned from Superman. Let's see if it really works. Max uses his powers on the charcoal and his hand glows. He rubs it off with his shirt and walks to Liz. He then gets on his knees and holds a perfect diamond out to Liz. Liz: Oh my. Max: Liz. They're taking our home from us. They wanna kll us and they might. But when I look in your Eyes, I don't feel angry or deprived. I feel like the luckiest half-human on the planet. You're pure. You're, you're true and you're real. And right now that seems like the only thing that's important. I wanna Be with you Liz. Forever. Liz: Forever may only be 12 days. He puts the diamond in her hand and closes it. Max: Then we'll take those 12 days and we'll live 12 lifetimes. Liz Parker. Will you marry me? Liz then gets down on her knees. Liz: Yes. They go to kiss. Max: After Graduation. Liz: Ok. Liz nods and they kiss. Graduation Principle: Congratulations. Max looks back at Liz and smiles. Principle: Congratulations and as we continue to honor our senior class. We'd like to give them a few Of our own words of wisdom. Before we send them out into the world as highschool graduates. So now it's my pleasure to introduce our special guest for this evening. A three time Hugo award winner for excellency in science fiction and an international best-selling author. Bryce McCain. As he walks on the stage they all know they are in trouble. Max looks back at Liz. Bryce: Much of my work is about the possibility of alien life. Of course, that's fiction. But the truth is, That we're all aliens really in our own way. Especially in highschool. So FBI Agent: This is Viceroy. All sht report in, please. FBI Agent: This is Bulldog. My target is in the clear. (He centers on Max) FBI Agent: This is Terrier. My target is in the clear. (He centers on Liz) FBI Agent: This is pointer. My target is in the clear. (He centers on Isabel) FBI Agent: This is Viceroy. All sht stand by. Do not fre until the rest of the unit has arrived. Repeat. Do not fre until the rest of the unit has arrived to provide ground control and secure the facility. A whole whack of black sedans drive up while Michael watches on. He pulls out the Lovers card and Drives off. Bryce: When I, I sat down to write this speech I was struck by the similarities between what I do and the Situation that you find yourselves in now. (Max looks back at Liz again) Believe in what could be. About having faith. That life and the universe holds more than what we perceive. As you contemplate your Max gets up and walks toward the stage. FBI Agent: We've got movement. Target is active. Target is active. FBI Agent: Bulldog. Maintain target. Keep the kid in your sights. FBI Agent: What the hell is he doing? Max walks up to Bryce. Max: You need to leave the building right now. Bryce: What? Max: It's for your own safety. Max uses the author's notes as an example. He changes the notes to read: Leave now for your own safety. Max: Just walk away. Bryce leaves and Max takes the Podium. Max: Hi. I'm uh, I'm Max Evans. I thought I'd take this opportunity to ah, to say a few things on behalf Of myself and the graduating class He reaches down and uses his powers on a power cable as a result the lights go out except for a spotlight on himself. FBI Agent: I've lost target. FBI Agent: So have I. FBI Agent: Bulldog still has a lock. As max talks Isabel and Liz and the others get away. Max: Some of us are, are here tonight to walk across this stage and get our hard earned diplomas and toss Our caps in the air. (Mr.Evans looks over confused) But there's another group here tonight. A group of People who are here for another reason all together. They're here to say goodbye. Goodbye to their highschool lives Isabel looks at Jesse. Isabel: This is it. She takes off her rings and hands them to Jesse. Isabel: Maybe in my next life. Max: Goodbye to their families, friends, Mr.Evans: What's going on? Isabel: Max and I have to leave. There's no time to explain, but Jesse will give you the details. Mom and Dad I love you so much. I am so grateful that you know the truth. Mr.Evans: We love you. Isabel hugs her mom. Isabel: I'm sorry. She gets up, hugs her dad and leaves. Max: You see this group has been through a lot. And tonight is the night they've decided to call it quits. Jesse looks sadly at the rings in his hand. Max: It's been a long hard road for them. They have a lot of wounds. (Liz takes a last look at Max and leaves) They've lost people. People that were close to them. (Isabel looks at Max and leaves) They've Had each other to cling to but tonight that's all coming to an end. (He looks up and around) FBI Agent 1: What's going on? Do you have them or not? FBI Agent: This is pointer. I don't see her. FBI Agent: This is terrier. I've lost my target too. FBI Agent: Bulldog still has a clean sht. Should I take it? FBI Agent 1: Wait 1 more we're almost in position. Max: I'm a member of that group of, outsiders. I always knew I was different. And for a long, long time All I wanted was to be another face in the crowd. But in the end, it wasn't possible. I guess it never was. So from now on, I'll just concentrate on being who I really am. Some of you might not like that. Some of You might even find that frightening. But that's not my problem anymore. I have to be who I really am. And let fate take care of the rest. So thank you, Roswell, thank you for, for letting me live among you. Thank you for giving me a family. (Mr. and Mrs. Evans watch on) Thank you for giving me a home. The FBI Agents smash in the door and walk in. The swat teams file in the room. FBI Agent 1: We're in position. Take it. The FBI Agent centers on Max and is preparing to take the sht, when suddenly everyone is blinded by a Bright light and the sound of a motorcycle engine revving. FBI Agent: Lost my target, lost my target. Can't see anything. What the hell's going on. FBI Agent: Maintain target. Maintain target. Michael dives up on the stage on his motorcycle. Michael: Let's go! Max jumps on the back of Michael's bike and the take off like a bat out of hell, going right through the FBI Agents and through the door. Back at the Pod chamber. Michael: Modesty prevents me from taking a bow. Liz: They probably don't know anything about you Kyle. You could still go back. Kyle: Even if by some miracle they haven't put me together with the rest of you guys there's still the little Matter of my latent alien powers. Someday I'll be buzzing and crackling like tinfoil in a microwave and I'd just as soon be with my own kind when it happens. Michael: Does he really get to start referring to us as his own kind. Maria: I'm not going back either. Liz: No? Maria: No, my future's here. Michael: Maria, think about what you're saying. Maria: I have and this is my choice. (She walks over to Michael) This is what I want. And whatever that is in the end that's what it'll be but we're doing it together. Michael hugs her close. Max: So now there's six. Michael: Like I said, we're going to need a van. Just then what pulls up but a VW van. Yeah! Max, Isabel and Michael prepare to use their powers. Jesse jumps out. Jesse: Look don't wait, wait! Don't, don't sh*t or blast. Or whatever it is that you do. Ok. Isabel runs and hugs him. Jesse: I'm going with you. Isabel: No. Jesse you can't. Jesse: To hell with Boston. An, and to hell with a career, and a normal life. Whatever that is. I love you. (She starts to cry) That's all that matters to me. Isabel: The fact that you would come here, and you're willing to do this. It means more to me then you will ever know. But I can't let you do it. Jesse: Isabel. Isabel: No. I dragged you into this whole thing without ever telling you the truth and it was wrong. And the only way to make it right is to let you go. So go, go to Boston. Start over just, have the life that you were supposed to have before you met me. Jesse: I'm not going without you. Isabel: You have to. Jesse: Will you come back to me? Isabel: I will keep praying, that some day it will be safe enough. Jesse: Well, I'm going to count on that. He puts her rings back on her finger, and kisses her hand. She hugs him again. Isabel: I love you. She kisses him and walks away. Driving along in the VW Van. They drive into a roadblock with a police car that just happens to turn out to be Jim. Kyle gets out of the van and walks over to his dad. Jim: I hear I missed quite a ceremony. Kyle laughs. Kyle: I don't think they're gonna forget class of 2002. It's a nice outfit. Deputy. Jim: Yeah. Yeah well when you're starting over you gotta start somewhere right? Kyle: Right. Jim: I uh, I won't ask you where you're going so I can honestly say I don't know. But I can tell you there Are a lot of people looking for you. (Kyle nods) Right now they think you're headed South to Mexico. Kyle: Why do they think that? Jim: I guess they got an anonymous tip. (Jim smiles) I can get you to Arizona and then you're on your own. (Kyle nods) I mean you're really on your own. Kyle: Thanks dad. Jim: (tearing) It's the least I could do. Kyle: I mean, thanks for just thanks. Jim takes of his hat and hugs his son. Kyle: I love you dad. Jim: I love you too. Kyle: All right. Kyle walks back and gets in the Van. Liz: I can't tell you much more than that it wouldn't be safe. For you or for us. I can tell you that we're far away and that we're all trying to avoid the law and do good in the world. (Mr.Parker reading Liz's journal) Oh, and I guess I should tell you that (Outside a small white chapel) Max and I did eventually tie the knot. (Max and Liz kiss while Maria throws flowers at them) Give my love to mom. Let her read this journal too. (Mr.Parker starts to tear) Then give it to Maria's mom and after that take it and burn it out in the desert by the ruins of the pod chamber where my husband was born. (Isabel gives Max and Liz a hug) So that's the end. Our life in Roswell. What a long strange trip it's been. (Liz takes Max's hand and they get into the van.) Will we ever go back? I don't know. Even I can't see everything in the future. All I know is that I'm Liz Parker and I'm happy. (she closes the van door with a serene smile on her face) Thank you for visiting Roswell is what we see as they drive off into the wild blue yonder. The end.	{"type": "series", "show": "Roswell", "episode": "03x18 - Graduation"}	foreverdreaming
[Bells tolling] Isaac: I, Isaac Walton... Have gazed upon the nakedness of Abigail Cook... [Voice breaking] ... And did kiss her. George: And? Isaac: And... George: And did commit the sin of self-pollution. Isaac: And committed the sin of self-pollution. George: 10 hard ones. Isaac: [Screams] [Leather cracks] [Screaming] George: On this glorious day, our brave boys muster to face the devil's shock troops... French and Indian savages massing in the woods right outside our doors. Isaac: [Groaning] George: And what are you going off to defend? Not Sodom, but Salem. We cannot expect God to be on our side if we tolerate abominations or those who commit them. You two will remain in the stocks overnight. And you, boy, will bear the mark of your sins the rest of your life. Isaac: [Groaning] [Sizzling] No, please. Please! Mr. Hale: For God's sakes, Sibley. The stocks and the lashings are punishment enough. Isaac: [Sobbing] No! George: Fornicator! Isaac: [Screams] [Crowd gasps] [Screaming] John: Judge not... Lest ye be judged. George: Who said that? John: Jesus. You might have heard of him. George: John Alden. [Scoffs] My respect for your father's memory can only shield you so long. Giles: It's a good thing you're mustering out tonight. Like it or not, Sibley's in charge. He tolerated your father, but he won't be happy till he sees you swing. [Dog barking in distance] [Horse neighs] John: Hey! Mary: Oh! John: [Chuckles] Mary: Didn't you learn anything today? John: Yes, yes, if I have to spend one more night under the same stars as that bastard George Sibley, I will gut him like the pig that he is. Mary: If... talking like that will land you in the stocks. John: No day soon. [Sighs] I'd rather die fighting the French and the Indians than get pissed on by the good souls of Salem. Mary: So, you're really leaving. John: Mary, trust me. I will come back for you. Hey. Look. This is all that I have. And I swear on my parents' grave. This is my vow. This wr will not last a year. Man: Forward! Stay in formation, gentlemen. [Horse neighs] [Bird caws] Man: Isn't but a half-day's ride. Mary: I can't make it. I think I'm gonna be sick again. Tituba: Shh. As soon as you sit down inside, it will settle. Man: Wait your betters, girl. Peace be upon you. George: And upon you. Mary: Peace be upon you. George: And upon you. Though there are things to be said for wr. Gives a certain kind of man someplace to end up other than the end of a brand... Or a rope. You'll thank me one day. Tituba: Stay strong. After tonight, it will all be over. [Insects chirping] Mary: [Breathing heavily] Tituba, wait. I've changed my mind. I want to go back. Tituba: There is no place for that child in Salem. George Sibley drove John Alden off to die in the wr. What do you think he's gonna do to you when he finds out you're pregnant with John's baby? Do not fear the woods. The woods are gonna take care of that little soul... And you. Mary: What is this place? Tituba: You want to live? Lie still. Mary: [Gasping] Please. It's all that I have left of him. Tituba: Hush. [Insects chirping] [Owl hoots] Mary: [Gasping] [Gasps] No, wait. I-I-I don't want to do this. Tituba: You don't have a choice, Mary. Mary: Please. Tituba: This is what you want. Mary: Please. Tituba: This is what you want. Mary: [Weakly] No... Please. Tituba: Let him in. Mary: [Chuckles] No, please. [Whimpering] Stay there! [Screams] [Gasps] John. John. John, help me. Help me! [Gasps, screams] Tituba: Now tell him. Say it. This is what you want. Mary: Yes. Yes! Yes! Aah! [Gasps] [Whimpers] [Screams] [Sobbing] Tituba: All the world shall be yours in return. All the world. [Indistinct conversations] [Dog barks, birds chirping] [Horse neighs, indistinct conversations] Man: From heaven in flaming fre, taking vengeance upon all those who know not God, who have disobeyed the gospel! Man 2: Read for yourself the truth. The terrible truth... witches among us, the devil in Salem. For you, sir. For you, sir. Man 3: No. [Men grunting] Man: Easy. [Lock clicks] [rfle cocks] Giles: This is the Alden house, and there ain't any Aldens left. So you are either a ghost, or you're about to be one. John: That's a harsh way to say "welcome home." Giles: Johnny? Can't be. I heard you was dad klled in the wr. John: I wished I was a couple of times. Giles: Ah, well, they can't keep a good man down. [Sack thuds] [Crunch] [Chuckles] John: Saw three men strung up on the way into town and a new gallows being built in the heart of the common. What the hell is that? Giles: Precious Salem caught up in a stinking witch panic. John: Witch panic? Who did the bigwigs send in to put out the fre, the almighty Increase Mather? Giles: No, his son... Cotton. And not a chip off the old block... barely a splinter. John: I remember when we were kids he used to dress like a girl. Fought like one, too. Giles: Well, he's all grown-up now. A fine fool in fine silk clothes, and not just any fool, the most dangerous kind... the kind that thinks he knows everything. But you didn't come back for all this horseshit. You come back for one thing and one thing only. Truth told, she's finer than ever. And she's the richest woman in Salem. And why not? She's Mary Sibley now. John: Sibley? George Sibley. But his wife... Giles: Died a few years ago. You've been gone a long time, John. Keep your powder in your bag. One day, your Mary will be the richest widow in the country. Nathaniel: The driver's at the door with some packages for you, ma'am. Mary: Send him in. And, Nathaniel, take Mr. Sibley with you. Time for his bath. Now, Isaac, tell me some news of the world. Isaac: Saw a dusty fella walking into town today. I couldn't believe my eyes. Mary: Why? Isaac: It was John Alden. Mary: [Gasps] [Laughter] [Indistinct conversations] Lamb: Welcome back, Reverend Mather. Rum, gin, ale? Cotton: Yes. [Bottles clink] [Mug thuds] [Sighs] I need three strong men. [Coins clink] I can pay. John: For what? Cotton: To subdue a girl. Reverend Lewis. Lewis: Please help my daughter. And be careful. [Woman sobbing] [Wood creaking] [Latch clicks] Mercy: [Screaming] Cotton: Tie her down! Tie her down!! Mercy: [Groaning, screaming] [Gasping] [Sobbing] Please, I beg you, sir. Please, make this stop. Cotton: I can do nothing, mercy, unless you tell me... Who is it torments you? Mercy: S-she's right there. Cotton: "She"? Who is here? Mercy, you must tell me! Who is in this room with us?! Mercy: The hag! The old woman! She's standing right there! Please. [Sobbing] Cotton: A simple physic. Mercy: [Gasping] Cotton: To sleep. Mercy: [Stammers] Please. Please. [Stammers] Cotton: We call it a spectral attck... the work of witches. Pray for her. John: I call bullshit. She's clearly touched in the head. She needs a doctor, not your prayers. [Floor creaking] Mercy: [Gasping] [Screaming] [Bells tolling] Mrs. Hale: Don't dawdle, child. I want you in the front row where Cotton Mather can't help but be dazzled by your charms. Anne: For heaven's sake, mother, why not just wrap me in silk and parade me on the auction block? [Horse neighs] Cotton: Fear no man's wr. For only a wr from hell could destroy Salem. The devil was never going to let a promised land be built here without a fight, without a battle! And witches armed with deadly malice are the most malignant and insidious wapon in that battle... In that wr. Even a single witch in Salem is enough to destroy everything we have built and ever hope to build here! Now, we have already klled three of them, and yet their malice continues unabated. Why? Because there are still witches here among us! [Gasping, murmuring] Perhaps in this very hall! Imagine a foe you can't see armed with wapon unknown and the ability to appear as any one of us! Mr. Hale: Then how can you hope to identify the correct culprit? Cotton: Have you seen the girl, sir? Even now, mercy Lewis bleeds from 100 wounds... some impossible to self-inflict. She is the one who will tell us who does this. Mr. Hale: I see. The ravings of a poor, sick girl will help you identify what your reason fails to deliver. Cotton: My father... Mr. Hale: Yes, of course. Your father. Did your father, whom we all so respect, offer you any advice when he sent you in his stead to our aid? Cotton: He... Advised caution. Mr. Hale: Caution? And are we to take three people hung as the measure of Mather junior's caution? There could be nothing worse for Salem, for the country, than a witch hunt. George: [Gagging] [Murmurs] Witches. Witches. Mary: Indeed. As my beloved husband, the head of your selectmen, reminds me, there is something worse than a witch hunt... a witch. John: A witch? [Congregation gasps] Sure, that's bad. But why not an ogre... Or a goblin? Why not a dragon, long as we're talking about fairy tales? Mary: John Alden. We all welcome Captain Alden home from his long, long service in our defense. Giles: Puritans know their sun is setting. Nothing like a new enemy or a new old enemy to get people behind you. Mary: Captain Alden. John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Mr. Sibley and I are hosting a small dinner tomorrow night. We'd be honored if you'd join. [Indistinct conversations] [gn cocks] John: Why are you staring at me? I don't even know you. Isaac? Isaac: Isaac the fornicator. Hide your wives. Hide your daughters. Hell, your sheep! John: All right, look. So, what do you want from me? Isaac: Listen to me, John Alden. Coming home to Salem to get out of the wr is like jumping in the ocean to get out of the rain. Truth hides. They could be anyone. John: Oh, they who? Who's they? Isaac: Witches! Ain't no fairy tale. They're real. John: [Grunts] Isaac: All these years, your Mary's the only one who's ever done me a good turn. John: She's not my Mary now. Isaac: You left once before. Look what happened. Don't walk out on us again. Cotton: [Sighs] Lewis: Is this really necessary? Cotton: A witches' familiars... demons, usually in the form of an animal. Cat, rat, a bird, or a toad... they perform all sorts of useful tasks as long as they're fed. You heard what she told us. She was forced to feed their familiars. She must be searched for the marks... teats where she suckled them. Lewis: [Gasps] Please help her. [Door closes] Cotton: [Breathing heavily] [Tapping] [Pounding] "Woe to the inhabitants of the earth and of the sea! For the devil has come down unto you with great wrath because he knoweth that he hath but a short time." [Sighs] Revelations 12:12. Gloriana: I see the end of the world urges you onto greater efforts. Cotton: Mm, as it must us all. Gloriana: Our granny used to scare us silly with those witch stories. But she'd really terrify my brothers. She told them witches could steal a man's... Cotton: Aah! [Laughs] Gloriana: [Laughs] Cotton: Would you like that, Gloriana, without the bother of the man attached? [Panting] Gloriana: Not this man. Cotton: [Gasps] [Women chuckling] Man: My darling. Mab: See you next time, Governor. Cotton: [Sighs] Just attending to the poor. John: No doubt... and the poor in spirit. Cotton: Captain Alden, right? I haven't seen you since we were children. I expected to see you up at Harvard. Surprised to hear that you'd run off to join the militia... like a servant. John: I would have loved to spend four years counting angels on the heads of pins, but... Cotton: Hmm. John: There was a wr on. Cotton: Pity. I owe everything to my education. John: Taught you everything about hunting witches? Cotton: No. But my father burnt scores back in Essex, and I've read every book there is on the subject... in eight languages. John: So, you learned your hunting from books. Well, that's a bit like learning the facts of life from your maiden aunt. But never mind. You're here now, and you're the expert on witches, so let me ask you. What do these awful witches want, huh? Cotton: The same thing we all want... a country of their own. John: And here I've been wasting my time fighting mere Indians. Good night, Harvard. George: [Groaning] Mary: Time for your feeding. George: [Grunts] Mary: [Grunting] [Stomach gurgling] George: [Groans] Mary: Yes. Yes. [Clicks tongue] Yes. [Clicks tongue] George: Someone, help me! [Weakly] Help me. Mary: Yes. George: No. Help me! Help! Help! [Gagging] Mary: George, don't fight it. You know it only hurts more. George: [Grunting] Mary: You took away everything I had, George Sibley... Everything I loved. Can you imagine how good it feels to take everything you have, destroy all you've built, and devour your very soul? George: [Whimpers] Mary: All done. George: [Grunts] I would like to make a toast to our hostess Mary Sibley, who has shown us that true piety and true beauty amount to the same worship. Cotton: Indeed. Beauty is the last miracle allowed in an ugly... Fallen world. Mrs. Hale: Magistrate Hale and I are concerned about our daughter's inner beauty, Reverend Mather. Perhaps you could suggest a tutor for her, a Harvard man like yourself? Anne: I believe there is only so much you can learn from books. Experience is our true teacher. Don't you agree, Captain Alden? John: Well, that depends on the experience. Anne: Yours must have been fascinating... with the Indians. They're so mysterious, so... Natural. Mrs. Hale: Natural? [Scoffs] "Unnatural," I'd say. Soulless savages. John: I assure you, ma'am, the Indians do have souls, if any of us do. Cotton: "If"? Anne: [Laughs] Mary: And what about witches? Do they have souls, too? George: [Grunting] Cotton: They do. But they have deeded them to the devil himself in exchange for powers and all that they desire. Mary: A contract? Cotton: Indeed. Mary: Ironic, as I believe, by law, a woman's not allowed to enter a contract but through the agency of their husband. George: [Coughs, gags] Mary: Nathaniel. Nathaniel: Yes, ma'am. Cotton: Not all witches are women. Anne: And what do you think, Captain Alden? John: I don't know. [Sighs] I think some things just beggar belief, like an honest frenchman or a faithful woman, things that I'll believe in if and when I see one. Mr. Hale: I find I worry more about the French and the Indian attcks than I do witches. What's your opinion, Captain Alden? Just how vulnerable are we? John: Mm. Mary: Are you all right, Captain Alden? John: I think this rich food doesn't agree with me. Mary: Some fresh air might help. [Door opens, closes] I was told you were klled. John: Was that before or after you married Sibley? Mary: I remember being told once that the wr wouldn't last a year. John: That wasn't up to me. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years without a word. John: I couldn't write. Mary: No, of course not. Too busy saving the country. John: Not exactly. I was captured. Their priest man told the others not to take this away from me. He said the universe itself was made out of vows, and breaking them carries consequences. I know that this is just half a silver coin, and you have... no shortage of silver now. Mary, come with me. Now... Tonight. I have money in a bank in New York. It's different there. There's not a puritan in sight. It's not too late. We can be together Anywhere. Anywhere but here. Mary: New York? John: Yeah. Mary: Is that before or after you were captured? You walk out of here one night, and you come back years later. A-and you think that... John: Mary. Mary: [Sighs] John: Come here. Mary: No. I can't. It's impossible. He'd never let me. [Door opens] Mr. Hale: Now, now, Mrs. Sibley. Even you have no right to monopolize a guest as fascinating as Captain Alden, for whom I have a rare gift, a cigar of tobacco from Guyana with some Brandy. John: I'm afraid all this... Civilized eating and drinking has laid me out, Magistrate. Mary: [Sniffles] You told me he was dad! Tituba: It's not like counting sheep, honey. More like counting shadows. But it don't change a thing. What's John Alden compared to all that lies before you? Stop your weeping, woman. That boy don't deserve those tears. Mary: They're not for him. They're for the girl I once was. Tituba: That girl belongs to somebody else now. Mary: [Screams, gasps] Tituba: Was it he that left you to the wolves? No, child. It was he that saved you from the wolves and raised you up to all of this. You have a grand vision. Don't lose sight of it. Tomorrow, the moon is with us. Tomorrow, it begins. Leave your anger and your pain for the Kenaima to feed on. Has he not been true to his vow? Are not your enemies now your slaves? Do you not have everything that you desire... wealth, power? Mary: Almost everything. [Knock on door] Man: Pardon me, ma'am. A gentleman to see you. Mary: Mr. Corey. To what do I owe the pleasure? Giles: I was wondering if I might talk to you, ma'am. I had a small farm. First, it broke my heart. Then it broke my back. As you and I both know, the heart heals. The back never does. I took up trapping. It's a meager living Ruined the Indians. Now it's ruining me. Thing about trapping is you get your good catch at night. But by morning, it's someone else's meal. Me, I stay with my traps. Mary: Fascinating, Mr. Corey, but... Giles: That's why I was there... The night you did it... You and your cinnamon girl. Mary: You waited a long time. Giles: Nobody's business till now. But that was John Alden's baby that you buried out there. And the way he feels about you, he has a right to know. So, are you gonna tell him? Or am I? Anne: Oh, blast this wretched thing. [Bells tolling] John: That's not bad. Anne: Reverend Lewis says drawing is idolatry, like worshiping nature or something. John: Well, there might be worse things to worship. Anne: I'd like to draw you sometime. John: I'm not sure I'd like to see a portrait of me. Anne: [Laughs] John: [Chuckles] Besides, I have no time to sit. I'm on way out of town. Anne: So soon? Afraid of witches... Or being taken for one? John: It's a long way to New York. Good day. Anne: [Gasps] Mary: Oh, I didn't mean to frighten you. Anne: Oh, I'm not frightened. [Sighs] Just surprised. Mary: Yes, of course... a girl brave enough to sketch in a graveyard. Anne: I'm not afraid of the dad, nor the living for that matter. Mary: That's because you know nothing of death and less of life. I could teach you... about life... And death... And many things in between. Do you know what klled nearly every woman buried here? Love. Most died in childbirth. So, love is to a woman what wr is to a man... the most deadly thing they'll do. Only a fool runs quickly to wr or love. You'd best watch yourself. Anne: Thank you... Mrs. Sibley. I can only aspire to your happy wisdom. Cotton: Where do the witches meet? Mercy: In the woods. Cotton: How many? Mercy: I don't know. Cotton: Who are they? Mercy: I ... [Sighs] I can't see their faces. Like there's these heads of animals like a stag and a pig and a wolf. Cotton: But you know who they are? Mercy: [Whimpering] Yes. Yes. Cotton: Their names. Mercy: [Gasps] [Babbling] Cotton: Why won't you tell me their names? Mercy: [Crying] She won't let me. Cotton: "She"? Mercy: Yes. Cotton: Who? Who is she? Tell me. [Gasping] I can't. Cotton: Tell me the names! Mercy: [Screams] [People screaming] [Growling, barking] Man: My God, mercy. Cotton: Though she cannot speak a name, she will show us the witch. Mercy: [Screams] Woman: Oh, no! Mercy: [Screams] [People murmuring] [Growling] [Screaming] [Indistinct shouting] [Screams] Cotton: [Grunts] [People gasp, scream] Mercy: [Screaming] Isaac: Sorry, Captain. You can't leave Salem just yet. Something you've got to see. Mary: Is this him, the witch? Cotton: I think so. All the books say if the victim... Mary: Never mind your books. Is this the witch? Cotton: He won't plead either way. Mary: Is that so? Giles: Won't dignify the accusation. If you can call a young girl's spit an accusation. What I have to say, I'll say to Captain John Alden. You just find me Captain Alden. I'll have plenty to say. Cotton: I have sent men for Captain Alden, but I'm told he's left town. Mary: Just obtain a plea. Cotton: And if he remains silent? Mary: You've been granted power. Use it. Press him for an answer. Let the same devil that holds his tongue hold the stones. [Door opens, closes] [Metal clangs] Tituba: Hurry. The sabbath is about to begin. One, two, three, and four. Raise the devil to our door. Call the pig, the wolf, the ram. Come to the circle, all who can. Make him walk on floor to roof. Drink to him with horn and hoof. One, two, three, and four. The devil is here. Now sleep no more. And all the world shall be yours in return. Mary: [Inhales deeply] [Sighs] [Breathing heavily] John: If your witches meet here, they got better night eyes than I do. Isaac: [Scoffs] They don't need night eyes. The night is their eyes. John: What the hell is this? Isaac: Gifts to the devil himself... the unborn. [Moaning] Woman: Cruour innocentia. Maleficarium. Pestilentia. Walpurgisnacht. Consummatum est. Now it begins. Isaac: [Screams] Mary: [Sighs] [Panting] The circle was broken. Tituba: By who? Woman: Satan! Cotton: Please, sir. I don't want to to do this. Giles: Then don't. Cotton: Be reasonable, man. I have the power to press you for an answer. All you have to do is say the words "guilty" or "not guilty," and we can stop all of this. Giles: If I say "guilty," you'll hang me before dawn. And if I say not, my fate is still in the hands of you bastards. I'll hold my peace and trust in the lord. [Indistinct shouting] Cotton: Lower the stones! Giles: [Groans] Cotton: I ask you again. Are you guilty... Or not? Giles: [Whimpers] Isaac: We're dad. John: No, we are not. Isaac: Good as. John: I thought you've seen them before. You wanted me to see them, and I saw them. Isaac: And they saw us. And I told you they could be anybody. John: Okay, just... Calm down. [Indistinct shouting in distance] Giles: [Groans] Cotton: Have you something to say? Giles: More stones. [Indistinct shouting] [Grunts] John: Giles! Get the hell off of him! [Grunts] Giles: Alden! Woman: He's dad! [Cheers and applause] Cotton: "Woe to the inhabitants... "Of the earth and of the sea. For the devil has come down unto you." John: Son of a bitch. Son of a... No! No! Get! Cotton: [Muttering] John: My father's boots were the very first in Salem. And I'm warning every gddmn one of you mrder, hypocritical puritan bastards that these boots will be the last! Mary: I will ask you once again. Who was there? Who saw us? Mr. Hale: I will tell you again. I do not know. It is difficult to see past a muzzle flash. Mary: Then I suggest you find out, Mr. Hale. There's no turning back. The witch hunt has gn, and we will be running the trials. You understand that, don't you, George? You best of all. We will use the trials to turn the puritans against each other. They will hunt and kll and drown in their very own blood till there's no puritans left standing... And Salem... Is ours.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x01 - The Vow"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Isaac: Saw a dusty fella walking into town today. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was John Alden. Mary: You told me he was dad! John: This is my vow. I will come back for you. Tituba: What's John Alden compared to all that lies before you? Mary: [Screams, gasps] Giles: You come back for one thing and one thing only. She's Mary Sibley now. And she's the richest woman in Salem. Mary: Time for your feeding. George: [Grunts] Mary: [Grunting] [Stomach gurgling] George: [Groans] Giles: Precious Salem caught up in a stinking witch panic. Cotton: The devil was never going to let a promised land be built here without a fight! Man: [Screams] Anne: I'm not afraid of the dad, nor the living for that matter. Woman: [Screams] John: What is it that these witches want? Cotton: A country of their own. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years. Giles: I was there the night you did it. Mary: It's all that I have left of him. [Screams] Giles: That was John Alden's baby. Are you gonna tell him, or am I? Cotton: She will show us the witch. Mercy: [Screams] Mary: Who saw us? Mr. Hale: And I will tell you again. I do not know. Mary: The witch hunt has gn, and we will be running the trials. Cotton: Are you guilty... Or not? Giles: [Groans] Cotton: Most of those who have ever lived are now dad. All but very few must surely burn in hell. We may someday over-people this vast, empty new land, but I fear that we have already over-peopled hell. So that, as it is written in Isaiah, "hell hath enlarged herself." And is now called... America. I have been in Salem a fortnight, and I have already hung three witches. Is this the price of building heaven on earth? I have laid my hands upon his most deadly servants... The witches. Or have I? I obeyed every one of your instructions. I even pressed a possibly innocent man to death. I still taste his spattered blood on my lips. Please, lord, I beg thee. Give me a sign. [Squawks] ["Cupid carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Flies buzzing] [Wood creaks] Isaac: [Grunts] Forgive me. [Buzzing continues] [Birds squawk] Gloriana: Have you lost your lust for life? Don't tell me that you are full up. Cotton: Perhaps some holes cannot be filled. Gloriana: Really, my lord? Which holes are those? Cotton: The ones we dig for ourselves. Gloriana: What weighs so heavy on you, love? Cotton: By the taste of it, my father's boot. Gloriana: [Laughs] You're a big boy now. Grown men don't fear their fathers. Cotton: You don't know my father. Gloriana: Everyone knows your father. Cotton: Precisely. Woman: No, you can't go in there! Cotton: Captain Alden! No! No! No! Gloriana: Leave him alone! John: Get out. This is how you wipe the innocent blood off your hands? On the ass of a whore? Cotton: Giles Corey never pled! Ergo, we don't know he was innocent! [Screams] John: Give me one good reason why I don't put you in the ground. Cotton: Sir, I cannot. I've been expecting the angel of death since I was 10. I didn't see him myself, but I knew from the look in grandfather's eyes just before he went, the angel bore a most terrible face. Quite like yours, I expect. So come, angel. You find me fully prepared to burn like a human candle for eternity in a pit of burning black tar with all the other damned. John: Burning black tar? I thought hell was fre. Cotton: A common misconception. Hellfire burns like fre but is the consistency of thick black pitch. What? What have you seen? John: Not sure. Hell on earth, maybe. Get dressed. I've got something to show you. [Horse neighs] Cotton: Where are we going? John: The woods. Cotton: To what end? John: You have the moral compass of a meat ant, but you do know something about witches. I saw them. Just like mercy Lewis described them. Animal heads and all. Mr. Hale: Captain Alden. As magistrate of Salem, I hereby place you under arrest for violent remonstrations in the common last night. You shall face charges of disorderly, riotous mischief and incitement to mayhem. John: Talk to Isaac. He'll show you the way. What are you gonna do, Hale? Press me to death just like you did to Giles Corey? Mr. Hale: I suggest you take that up with your new friend, the reverend, as it was his doing, not mine. Away with him. [Grunting] Mary: You've had a busy night. When were you planning to tell me you'd arrested John Alden? Before or after you hang him? Mr. Hale: The man is a loose cannon. He thrat the selectmen in front of half the town. Mary: If he's a problem, he's my problem. Mr. Hale: With all due respect, he could become a problem for us all. Mary: My husband controls Salem, and I control him. You do nothing without my say. With all due respect. Mr. Hale: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Concern yourself with one thing, Mr. Hale... Find out who broke our circle. Head back to the woods. Find the seer. His eyes were there. Isaac: It was right here we saw the witches. Cotton: Captain Alden saw all this, too? Isaac: Yeah. And something else... Something I ain't seen before. They sab a bird... A white dove. I klled more than a few pigeons myself, and a dove ain't nothing but a prettier pigeon, but this felt different. I can't say why... Like it was the saddest thing in the world... To bleed a dove to death. Just the one dove. Cotton: Of course. Like a witch's cauldron. Isaac: A tree? Like a cauldron? And folks say Isaac's touched. Cotton: Got you. [Gasping] [Panting] Militia man: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Open it. Militia man: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Now leave. Salem still hangs men for what you did... thrat the selectmen. John: Nothing stopping them. Mary: I'd never let that happen. John: And where was that compassion when Giles Corey was being crushed to death? Mary: You're free to go. But the selectmen urge you to leave Salem and never come back. John: The selectmen... Or Mary Sibley? Mary: I am trying to save you. You don't belong here. John: And neither do you. Mary: I told you ... I can't leave. John: Well, last time I checked, your husband was in no shape to stop you. Mary: [Breathes deeply] Your confidence astounds me, Captain. But did you imagine that I would welcome you back with tears of joy? How incredibly naive you are. You're too late. It's over. I don't want you here. John: I almost believe you. Mary: Get out of Salem... now... Or you will hang. Beggar girl: Sir. [Gasps] [Girls murmuring] [Screaming] Bridget: All right, you can do this. Hannah: [Gasps] I can't do it. It's too big. Bridget: Yes, you can. I have gotten bigger babies out of smaller girls. Mary: Not this baby out of this girl, not until she tells us the name of the father. Bridget: Mrs. Sibley, excuse me, but this baby has got to come out. Mary: Salem won't shoulder another bastard. Anne: [Scoffs] Mary: What are you doing here? Anne: My friend Bridget teaches me the wonders of God's own creation. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: Hannah, will you tell us the name of your man? Hannah: I cannot, Miss. He'll lose his apprenticeship. He ain't allowed to marry for some years yet. Mary: That is his problem, not Salem's. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: Mary, you're a woman. You were even a poor one once. But now you're Mary Sibley. For once, use your position among the puritans to help one of your own. Hannah: [Groaning] Mary: No man is worth it, child, or if he is, he would rather you tell us his name than die trying to protect him. Hannah: [Screams, grunts] Billy! It was Billy bailyn, the Cooper's apprentice. Bridget: Just relax. Stay with me. Hannah: [Groaning] Bridget: All right, Hannah. I want you to give me a big push. Hannah: [Screams] Bridget: Almost there! Hannah: [Screaming] Bridget: That's it. Big push. Well done! Mary: [Gasps] Bridget: Keep going. Hannah: [Moaning] [Baby crying] Bridget: That's it. Oh! Hannah: [In distance] Help me! [Baby crying] Woman: It's going to be all right. Excuse us, madam. Come on, now. In you go. [Bird calling] Mr. Hale: [Panting] [Gasps] Petrus, really. You ought to wear a little bell. Petrus: And you, Magistrate, need none. We heard you the moment you left the road. [Sniffing] Come. Mr. Hale: I had a bit of trouble finding the place. Seemed to recall you having been farther north last time. Petrus: Perhaps I was, magistrate Hale. Eyes are for seeing, not for being seen. That's why your kind come to me. You find me when you need me. So, what do you need? Mr. Hale: Someone broke our circle in the woods last night. We need to know who saw us. Petrus: Ah. Full buck moon? Uh-huh. You were there that night, weren't you, little friend? Time to wake up. What did you see? [Blows] [Clicking tongue] [Blows] Tell Mary Sibley we will find out who was in the woods last night, but it takes time. [Indistinct whispering] Woman: Lord... [Speaking indistinctly] Mary: Have our prayers been answered? Has the poor girl improved? Bridget: We should not be praying for God to do what we can accomplish ourselves. Mercy Lewis is not suffering the work of witches or demons, but some natural malady or fever of the mind, yet she hangs here like an animal. Mary: She broke her ropes three times at home, not to mention her father's arm. She bit off her own finger and tears at her flesh. Mercy: [Groans] Mary: Mercy must be protected from herself and we from her. There's no better place to do both than in the house of God. Bridget: I think the selectmen are exploiting her condition to create fear in Salem. This so-called "witch panic" is yet another attempt by the puritans to control us. Mary: Miss Bishop, please... Be careful of the words that you speak. To less sympathetic ears, they could sound like the words of the devil himself. Bridget: I'm... sorry if my words were harsh. Sometimes, my tongue runs ahead of my mind. Mary: It's understandable. These are trying times for all of us. Mercy: [Groans, sighs] Mary: [Sniffles] Tituba: Careful, mistress. Your tears may sour the milk. Mary: There was a time that I might have suckled something other than a toad. Tituba: It doesn't matter now. What matters is, who will be next? The grand rite has gn, and the earth cries out for innocent blood. Mary: I know well my duties. Attend to your own. Tituba: Your duties and seeing that you fulfill them is my duty, like it or not. Mary: I've made my choice. But we need more than another victim... We need a sign. And I know just the person to deliver us both. Our Cotton Mather is quite obsessed with signs... Wrote chapter and verse on them. But there is one sign they dread more than any other. The sign of a monstrous birth. Tituba: You would do such a thing? Mary: No, I have no need to pluck a single leaf from the tree of life when a leaf is already dad on the branch. There's a girl out there who carries death inside. I could smell the baby, floating dad and malformed in her mother's womb. Don't weep for her. She never tasted a single bitter breath of life's betrayals. Yet her brief flicker of life will burn like a comet over earth when I make of her a sign... Of the doom that's come upon Salem. Do you know what I enjoy most, George? Turning the good souls of Salem against one another, like the rabid dogs you trained them to be. George: [Grunts] The only thing that keeps me alive is the look on your face when John Alden finds out what you really are and throttles you with his bare han... [Muffled screaming] [Choking] Mary: Just think, George. I need only kll nine more innocents before full hunter's moon, and my grand rite is complete. Kitty: [Wailing] Mab: Shh! Shh! Shush now, Kitty. If lying with old fat Fred didn't kll you, delivering his child won't, neither. Kitty: [Crying] Mab: Shh! Kitty: [Grunting] [Screaming] Mab: Shh! Shh! Kitty: No! It feels like it'll tear me in two. [Crying] Mab: It's almost time. Go fetch Bridget. Shh! Kitty: [Moaning] [Door hinges creak] Gloriana: [Gasps] Miss Bridget! I was just coming to get you. Bridget: I heard poor Kitty's screams. Kitty: [Screaming] Mab: Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Kitty: [Screaming] Mab: Shh! Gloriana: Nothing to fear now. Miss Bridget's seen more babes through the narrow gate than any. Bridget: Don't fret, child. The baby's just the wrong way 'round. It is a simple thing to turn it. Kitty: [Grunting] No! Aah! [Screaming] No! No! No! No! [Screaming] She's hurting my baby! [Screams] Aah! [Groaning] [Coughs] Gloriana: [Shudders] Bridget: Oh! Cotton: You witnessed a real witches' sabbat... Something no witch hunter has ever seen with his own eyes. All of our images and accounts come from confessions, some... rather more believable than others. John: It's this one. Cotton: Mm. If this is true, it's far worse than I thought. John: What's it say? Cotton: No Latin, Captain? Oh, of course not. You've no time for books. "Ritum magni." The grand rite... The greatest secret of the witches. All we have are scraps of rumors of failed attempts. Unfortunately, there are no books by witches... only witch hunters. John: Mm. So all of these books... Tell you exactly nothing. [Clattering] Isaac: Stop it. You fight each other. Who fights them? Cotton: He has a point. John: So, where do we begin? Cotton: Inside the tree, I found what fuels their work... Like the wood of a fre. See, everything the witch does is powered by two things... Lust and death. The lust they provide for themselves, but they must look elsewhere for the dad parts. The town would be aware if their own Salem burial ground was being disturbed by corpse grinding. John: So where do they get them? Cotton: Isaac, if you'd be so kind as to explain to the captain your duties. Isaac: I got all kind of duties... Packages to deliver. I also deliver the unwanteds to the crags. John: The unwanteds? Isaac: You know, Indians, slaves, criminals... Pretty much anybody ain't fit to be laid in Salem ground. Cotton: This is where the witches harvest. And at the risk of another thrashing, it is also your best hope of reclaiming your friend's remains. John: You dumped his body into the crags?! Giles Corey built half this town, and you threw him into a gddmn ditch?! Let's go. Cotton: Where? John: To get Giles out of that shthole. Mary: All of Salem is diminished by your loss. I can only imagine your suffering. Kitty: Thank you, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: The others said that you were frightened... You thought that someone was trying to hurt your baby? Tell me what happened. Tell me. I'm going to tell you something. I've never told anyone before. I, too, have lost a child. Oh, I know the pain you feel. I feel it even now. You must tell me what happened so that your child did not die in vain. I promise you... No harm will come to you. Tell me. Kitty: I felt the presence of evil... And... Mary: Go on. Kitty: I saw a foul hag. And she was touching my belly. Mary: What of the midwife? What of her? Kitty: They were one and the same. [Flies buzzing] Isaac: Two times in as many nights? Two times too many. [Whimpering] John: Show me where you dumped his body. [Buzzing continues] Jesus Christ. Isaac: [Vomiting] [Coughs] John: Where is he? Isaac: There. John: You do not lay a hand on that man. Isaac: [Grunting] John: [Grunting] [Door opens] Cotton: [Clears throat] [Door hinges creak] Mary: Oh, forgive me. Ordinarily, this would be George's domain, but my husband... His condition... I fear that the very sight of this would stop his heart. Cotton: Mrs. Sibley, please... Calm yourself. What is wrong? Mary: Oh, a most terrible thing... A sign. Cotton: A sign? Mary: Yes, just as you described in one of your books. A monstrous birth. Cotton: What? Here in Salem? Mary: Delivered by our very own midwife... Bridget Bishop. Cotton: And where is... What has become of this monster now? Where is it? Mary: In this very room. Mr. lamb floated it in a bottle. I... [Sighs] Cotton: By the wounds of Christ! The mere sight of this would pierce our dear lord yet again! You were right to send for me. This is most terrible. Mary: But what does it portend? What is this a sign of? Cotton: There can be no doubt. This is nothing less than a declaration of wr upon us by the devil himself. Mary: [Breathes sharply] Reverend... Is there anything we can do? Cotton: I will do whatever is in my power to protect Salem... And you, madam. Mary: I thank God you're here, Reverend. We would be lost without you. [Bells tolling] Anne: Father, please wait. [Panting] Father, you know Bridget. How could you think her guilty of this? Mr. Hale: It isn't a matter of what I think. Anne: Father. John: Another rush to judgment, Mather? Cotton: Quite the contrary, I fear. It is judgment that is rushing towards all of us. Behold the warrant of judgment. For our sins, individual and collective, he has signed the seal of Satan, a message straight from hell to herald the arrival of the devil in Salem. And who delivered his message for him? Bridget Bishop. Did you or did you not deliver this monster from that girl? Bridget: Yes, but... Cotton: Did you or did you not minister to this girl while she carried it? Bridget: Yes, sir, but I minister... Cotton: Did you or did you not frequently dose her with physics and potions and herbal concoctions of your own devising? Bridget: Sir, that is what I do, but I did not... Cotton: And did you or did you not place your hands upon her belly, pressing this way and that just before the thing came out? Bridget: I was turning the babe so... Cotton: Aye, but turning it into what? Anne: Stop! [Audience murmuring] Whatever that poor stone child may be, you are the true monster! Mr. Hale: I apologize for my daughter. The accused is a dear friend of hers. But I share her concern. You would accuse a woman... A woman whom we all know and trust, who never did anything but help other women to deliver their babies and care for those who no one wanted? And now, suddenly, we're to believe she's a witch? Cotton: The devil is patient. And so are his servants... Our friends, our neighbors... Till, finally, they are called to serve him. Bridget Bishop, you have delivered a monster into the world. You were seen in your true guise, the night hag, by your victim. And even those who were duped by your innocent image could still sense the palpable stench of evil around them as you destroyed a babe in the cradle of life... A sign of your master's declaration of wr upon us. How do you plead? Bridget: I did no such thing. I'm innocent! Oh, you must believe me... I am... John: I'm a little confused, Mather. Did Bridget make that sign... Or did God? No. No, no, no. Wait. I remember. God told the devil, and the devil made her do it... Have I got this right? No? Maybe I'm just not as smart as you. I haven't read all those books, but I have seen a few things in the world. And in this world, bad things happen, generally with no more meaning than the roll of a dice. Cotton: This monstrosity... It's just an unlucky roll of God's dice? John: Probably the unluckiest I've seen. Cotton: Well, then, we have a most profound difference of opinion. John: We do. But you would hang a woman on your opinion. Cotton: And on yours, you would let an agent of the devil himself walk free to do more malice. John: Then put her on trial, too. Don't just stop there. There were others with her. Or maybe they're all responsible. Gloriana: No, you can't! It's not my fault! John: It's not your fault? No, I think that you're probably right. I think... and I know this is unthinkable to you, Mather... But maybe, just maybe, it's no one's fault. [Audience murmuring] We all know that klling is different. klling is always someone's fault. The stones aren't dry from the blood of Giles Corey, and now you are willing to hang a woman... This woman, Bridget Bishop... And, hell, throw in a few whores for good measure... And for what? [Audience murmuring] Mary: Perhaps it's time we heard from Mercy. Isn't that right, reverend Mather? Isn't she bound to react in front of the guilty witch or witches? Cotton: My father and all the experts agree... Mary: Then take them to her. Cotton: Them? Mary: Captain Alden is quite right. All may be guilty. Take the midwife and the three whores, too. [Audience murmuring] Mercy: [Groans] [Groans] [Groans] Bridget: [Gasps] Mercy: [Groans] Bridget: [Screaming] [Crying] Mary: Shall we vote? [Crying] Lord... You who sees and knows our secret hearts must know that I am innocent. Please, please, please give them some visible sign of this simple truth. Please. [Sobbing] [Gasps] [Rope creaks] [Choking] [Bird cawing] John: Well done. Another innocent klled. Cotton: I do not think so. But even if I did... Let the lord add it to my already lengthy list of mortal sins. I must pay any price, spill my own or any other's blood to stop the witches. John: I don't think I've ever seen such a mixture of reason and bullshit in a man. Cotton: If you only knew what I know... John: What? I'd crush a man or hang a woman, then drink myself blind and bury myself into a whore like there's no tomorrow? Cotton: If we do not stop these foul hags, there will be no tomorr... Anne: You monster! John: Stop! Anne: [Grunting] Mr. Hale: What a mess you've made of things. We were nearly ruined by a single sound argument from a man you can't seem to let alone. I question now why we let you begin this. Mary: Why? Because this is the fulfillment of all our dreams... Vengeance for centuries of oppression. Too late for doubts now, Hale. We are all in this together. Mr. Hale: Yes, and we shall all burn together at this rate. You're too young to understand the risk you're taking. I saw my entire family brned at the stake. I tasted their ashes in my mouth. I have no desire to taste my own... Or my daughter's. Anne: [Crying] Mary: Well, perhaps you old-world witches are simply too scared or too scarred... To claim this new world. Not me. Mr. Hale: I'm not alone. The elders have their doubts, too. Mary: All your fears are unnecessary. Innocent blood flows and will continue to flow. Results, Mr. Hale, are all that matter. And speaking of results, what of your errand? Mr. Hale: Petrus assures us we'll soon know who saw us. Mary: Hm. [Insects chirping] Petrus: [Humming] [Indistinct conversations] Lamb: Oh, um... sorry, Miss Hale, but, uh, you know the rules. There's, uh, no women allowed after dark. John: It's all right, lamb. According to Mather, these are the end times. I think we can make an exception for tonight. What are you looking at? Anne: You're just like them... Happy to discuss and debate, but too afraid to take any real action. Why are you even in Salem? Where's that fre I saw in your eyes the night they k*lled your friend? [Table thuds] [Gasps] John: What do you want from me, Miss Hale? Anne: Justice... For Giles Corey, for Bridget Bishop, and for all the other innocent victims soon to come from this madness. Someone must do something! What? John: You just remind me of someone I once knew. Anne: What happened to them? John: I wish I knew. [Insects chirping] Mary: Here uninvited... You must have stayed too long with the Indians. It's made you more... savage. John: No. Less patient. There's something I think you should know. Mary: You're leaving Salem? John: To the contrary. Anne Hale reminded me Salem deserves better. It always did. Mary: Really? I thought you hated this place. John: I thought so, too. But it turns out it wasn't Salem that I hated... Rather, the people who run it. Fella told me something today... He said it was a damn sight easier to break things than to fix them. Mary: And you intend to fix things. John: Maybe. Mary: How do you plan on doing that? John: There's an extra seat on the board of selectmen... A seat with the Alden name. Reckoned maybe it was time I claimed it. Might just be one voice, but it is a start. [Door opens] Tituba: [Clears throat] John: I'll be seeing you. [Mouse squeaking] [Squeaking continues] [Mouse squeals] [Blood dripping] [Crunching] [Door hinges creaking] [Tapping] Anne: Go away, cat. You'll ruin my work. [Scrape]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x02 - The Stone Child"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... John: Isaac? Isaac: Isaac, the fornicator. Coming home to Salem to get out of the wr is like jumping in the ocean to get out of the rain. Isaac: You can't leave Salem just yet. Something you've got to see. Mr. Hale: Someone broke our circle. Mary: Who saw us? Mr. Hale: I do not know. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years. John: Come with me. Mary: I can't. It's impossible. Tituba: The grand rite has gn, and the earth cries out for innocent blood. Mary: I know well my duties. George: [Grunts] The only thing that keeps me alive is the look on your face when John Alden finds out what you really are. Bridget: [Screaming] Anne: Father, you know Bridget. How could you think her guilty of this? Mr. Hale: It isn't a matter of what I think. What a mess you've made of things. Bridget: [Gasping] Anne: [Sobbing] Mary: I don't want you here. John: I almost believe you. [Insects chirping] Cotton: You're so beautiful. "Fear no man's wr, for only a wr from hell could destroy Salem." The devil was never going to let a promised land be built here without a battle. Mary: Do you know what klled nearly every woman buried here? Love. Cotton: And witches armed with deadly malice... Mary: Most died in childbirth. So love is to a woman... Cotton: Are the most malignant and insidious wapon in that battle... Mary: What wr is to a man. The most deadly thing, they'll do. Cotton: That wr for the body and the soul of a nation. Mary: Only a fool runs quickly to wr... Cotton: Imagine a foe you can't see... Mary: Or love. Cotton: Armed with wapon unknown... Mary: I can teach you... Cotton: And the ability to appear as anyone. Mary: About life and death and many things in between. Anne: Stop it! Just stop it! Stop. Cotton: Shh. Judge not, lest ye be judged. [Gasps] [Water splashes] [Indistinct shouting] ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [indistinct shouting] Man: Burn in hell! [Shouting continues] Woman: Sin! Isaac: Be assured, Mrs. Bridget... ones that are weepin' far outnumber the ones that might spit or curse. Man: Burn in hell! Burn! [Indistinct shouting] Tituba: You would do well to pay that boy extra to take them bodies a more circuitous route. Mary: Spectacle is fuel for our fre. Tituba: And doubt is indulged by the rich and spoiled only. Mind that you was born neither. Woman: "Give me to die with thee that I may rise to a new life, "for I wish to be as dad and buried to sin, to selfishness..." Mary: By all means, Reverend... do not offer prayer or comfort or words of encouragement. No, stand as a bewildered statue amongst the people of Salem and offer them absolutely nothing. Cotton: What would you have me do? Mary: What I brought you here to do. Guide and support us in our great hour of need. Warm our hearts with your words of wisdom. Assure us it is God's will we do in ferreting out the devil. Or at the very, very least... Pray. Mr. Hale: Tragic day. Mary: Tragic but necessary. Mr. Hale: Tragically necessary. Surely, the grieving of the masses gives you pause. Mary: Most spit and curse while summoning the burning flames of hell. Mr. Hale: There are also those who weep for her and find her hanging unfounded. Mary: Not enough to divert our intentions. A panic's success relies on its escalation. The grand rite has gn. We look to our next victim. Mr. Hale: And that I disagree, that I strenuously and most vehemently oppose means nothing to you? We were seen at our sabbat. And you throw caution to the wind. Mary: And have you identified who saw us? Perhaps your disagreements and vehement opposition might hold more weight if you could be relied on to complete a simple task. Good day, Hale. [Indistinct shouting] Cotton: What must I do to be saved? It is impossible to ask a more weighty question. Lest we perish eternally. John: How's it feel? Cotton: How does what feel? John: klling two innocents in as many days. Cotton: The evidence against Miss bishop... woman: The orphanage! Help! They're looting the orphanage! [Glass shatters] Anne: Get out! It's not yours! [Baby crying] Get John: Next one's to your head. [Children crying] Are you okay? Anne: It's awful. It's too awful. Mr. Hale: W-what's happened? John: Thieves have come to ransack the orphanage now that the town sees fit to hang its guardian. Mr. Hale: Easy, son. John: This is what comes of your witch panic. Mr. Hale: Are you all right? Anne: This is your fault! And his. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] Forgive her. She's distraught. Anne: I'm right! See me home. Mr. Hale: Captain, if you wouldn't mind, hmm? John: Yes. Of course. Anne: Where have they taken her? John: Foul spot where they rest the unwanted. Anne: Is it very terrible? John: Yes. [Bell tolling] Anne: Thank you... For your heroism and your candor. [Horse whinnies] [Door opens] Petrus: [Laughs] Welcome, welcome, welcome! A cup of tea? A touch of port? Mr. Hale: No time. Who saw us in the woods? Petrus: It was... He who is marked. He of the "F" that furrows his brow. Mr. Hale: Isaac? Petrus: The fornicator. Mr. Hale: The idiot. Petrus: One more thing. Isaac was not alone. Mr. Hale: Who else was with him? Petrus: I don't know. I could not make out the face. Mr. Hale: You don't know. What good are you? A seer who can't see. Petrus: It's not an exact art. Mr. Hale: Evidently not. Petrus: [Chuckles] John: Hello? [Metal scraping] [Crow caws] Hello? [Dog growling] [Snarling] [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] John: What the hell was that place? Mr. Hale: The shack belongs to Petrus, an expert on creatures both feral and otherwise. John: Yeah, well, they looked dad... Until they didn't. Mr. Hale: No dad animal could thrat a storied soldier such as yourself, Captain. John: It could, if powered by forces we don't understand. Mr. Hale: Such as? John: Witchcraft. Mr. Hale: Nonsense. John: Is it? You know him well, this Petrus? Mr. Hale: You'll find no man more ordinary than Petrus. To say that he's mundane is to overstate his passion. John: And what ordinary task brought you deep into the forest to seek his mundane counsel? Mr. Hale: Easy, son... Or I might suspect your presence here as more than a coincidence, that, perhaps, for reasons of your own about which I'm sure you'd rather I not inquire, you might have followed me here. And what a shame... To have suspicion overtake the grace I owe for the kindness you showed my daughter. John: Consider it repaid. Mr. Hale: Right. George: [Gagging] Mary: George, really. [Scoffs] You are worse than a child. George: [Groans] Mary: He serves at my behest, not yours. He won't come out for you. Ohh. There, there, little man. Oh, pay the beast no mind. Rest now, and I'll see to your feeding later. Tituba: Isaac's brung the master's potions. Mary: Tell him to wait. [Sighs] Ohh, George. Your nightdress thoroughly drenched in sick. Stew in that for the day, my sweet. George: [Gurgles] Isaac: For Mr. Sibley. Mary: Oh, and not a moment too soon. Just now, he suffered a fit of sorts. Isaac: If you don't mind me saying so, ma'am, it's a burden you've took on... a burden and load, carried out without cry or complaint. Mary: My burdens can't compare to that of Salem itself. How do you find the spirits on the square? Isaac: Low, ma'am. Awful low. Mary: Perhaps there is solace to be found in remembrance of times when we've both shouldered worse. Who could have imagined that a single night could have consequence for so many? Not all scars can be seen. But they exist nonetheless. Isaac: Next morning, she was gone. Run away and disappeared. Mary: Oh, your sweet Abby. Isaac: I'll admit to wondering on occasion what it might be like to one day see her again or know of her or hear her fate. Would it be better or so much worse? Mary: I can assure you, Isaac... if you were to see her again, you would find those feelings buried too deeply for hope of resurrection. Good afternoon, Isaac. Isaac: G'day, ma'am. [Indistinct conversations] Aah! [Grunting] [Insects buzzing] What is that? What is that? What are you... what are you doing? Please. Please. [Muffled screaming] [Gasps] [Breathing heavily] Pigman: What did you see in the woods? Isaac: [Screams] Pigman: We knew you weren't alone. Woman: We know! We know! We know! Isaac: [Cries] Woman: Who was there?! Who was there?! Isaac: I was alone! I was alone! Mr. Hale: Get it all. Want no trace of our efforts. The fault must lie with him alone. [Crow caws] And put these in his pockets. If he's to be found a witch, the good reverend will require proof... evidence to seal his fate, hmm? What is it? Is this sympathy that I'm sensing? One outcast to the other? Is that what you feel, you decrepit deformity? Ghoul: Mary! Mr. Hale: So now even you would question me? Do as you're told! Does your great Mary know what it is to watch witches burn? Nothing of the old ways while she's whipping us toward the new. A spell of vitae cupido, and then we send him to the one place in town that will certainly deny him entrance. That should get their attention. Gloriana: [Sniffles] Cotton: You're crying. Gloriana: [Chuckling] I'm not. Cotton: You are. What's wrong? Gloriana: If they can hang a woman like Miss bishop, what does that mean for someone like me? Cotton: Nothing is going to happen to you. Gloriana: How can you be so sure? Just yesterday, it was me that they put before the Lewis girl. Would you have come forward had I been accused? Cotton: I follow every protocol. I adhere to every letter of what my father taught me. No one is convicted without incontrovertible evidence. Gloriana: So you're certain Miss bishop was a witch? Cotton: I am certain... Of the evidence. Gloriana: Why do you do it? Cotton: Why? Gloriana: Is it that you believe that you're doing good? Or is it that you wish to please your father? [Screaming, glass shattering] Gloriana: It's Isaac! He's mad! [Glass shatters] [Screaming continues] Cotton: I can't be seen here. Isaac: [Laughs] Let me touch you! [Women screaming] Get up! Woman: Isaac, no! Isaac: Ha ha! Ah ha ha! [Women screaming] Isaac: [Laughing maniacally] [Isaac screaming] Gloriana: Isaac, what are you doing? Isaac: What do you see?! Cotton: Isaac! Isaac: Oh, there you are! Cotton: Isaac! [Women screaming] Isaac: Isaac the fornicator! Isaac the fornicator! Hide your wives! Hide all your sheep! Isaac the fornicator will get them when they sleep! Isaac the fornicator! Hide your wives! Hide your wives! Hide all your sheep! Isaac the fornicator! Hide your wives! John: Isaac! Isaac: Hide your sheep. Isaac the fornicator. John: Stop! Isaac! Isaac: Jonathan, it's no good. It's no good! John: What is no good? Isaac: They saw us. They saw us. They saw us in the woods. They saw us. They saw us in the woods. They saw us. John: Shut up. Mr. Hale: Take him to the jail. Isaac: They saw us in the woods. They saw us. John: Shh. Mary: Magistrate. Mr. Hale: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: What have you done? Mr. Hale: The idiot saw us in the woods. Mary: Isaac. So, you did this without consent? Mr. Hale: He wasn't alone. We'll find out who was with him, and he will burn. Mary: No, you will do nothing further. Mr. Hale: But... Mary: Nothing! Go home, Magistrate. You reek of the woods. [Horse neighs] Find me Rose. Isaac: [Groans] John: A drunken romp, that's all... a young man's prerogative. Cotton: And yet no smell of spirits on him. John: Oh, well, burn him, then. Why wait? Cotton: If he was spelled, he's blameless in his actions. John: Yet you still hold him. Why? Cotton: Found on his person. Likely stolen to cast a spell on its owner. John: One minute, he's speller. The next, he's bewitched. Make up your mind, Reverend. Is he a witch or a victim of the craft? Cotton: Chief ingredient of a witch's brew. John: Isaac took me into those woods. He risked his life to show me the witches. Why, if he was one? Lamb: I've, uh, administrated a tonic that'll settle him down and, uh, end the fits. Cotton: What is your surgeon's opinion of the boy's condition? Lamb: I can't say for sure as to cause or source, but going by his babble, that boy is good and touched. Mr. Hale: Every benefit of the doubt, every Avenue explored. The boy is one of our own. Outcast and shunned as he may be, he still resides in the bosom of Salem. I'll, uh... I'll speak with him personally. Lamb: [Laughs] Not tonight, you won't. Mr. Hale: And why not? John: Lamb gave Isaac a tonic to help him sleep. [Horse neighs] Cotton: Probably best, Magistrate, to return in the morning. John: Yes, Magistrate. You can have your personal talk with him then. Mary: Rose, absent the magistrate, what chance have I of harnessing the body's allegiance? Rose: [Sighs] The others are split between old and new. Difficult to predict the outcome of such a divide. Mary: You're old and yet somehow not governed by this fear. Rose: It is not age that divides us, but ambition. Mary: [Chuckles] Well, he's not without ambition. Rose: It chafes him to bend to a woman, but he does so that our greater purpose may live. Mary: It was to be me that led us. Rose: It was and it is. Mary: Questioned and challenged at every turn, each and every decision soliciting doubt and scrutiny. Rose: Much as we may wish it, primacy does not live in the abyss. Mary: It cannot have all been in vain. Rose: Sibley. Your baby. Mary: It cannot have all been in vain. This life, my... Rose: Choices. Mary: Was there a choice? Or was choice taken from me? Rose: It's too late now to think of such things. Mary: Is it? Rose: It mustn't have been easy seeing him again. It is yours to decide, my girl, what is in vain and what is not. Mary: And you will stand behind my decision? Rose: Up to a point. Mary: Hmm. Rose: The magister's roots are old. He has seen much and suffered greatly. Do not underestimate him. [Thunder rumbles] John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Captain Alden. John: Isaac is not a witch. You do nothing, he'll be hung for one. We have to stop this. There's nothing left in you. No feelings, no heart. You're not the girl I once knew. Mary: Have they questioned him? John: No. That's because he was given a sleeping tonic. Mary: So he's said nothing. John: Nothing. But Cotton is eager, and the magistrate was hard to turn away. Mary: Hale? Was there? John: He came straight to question him. Mary: You have my complete allegiance. [Horse neighs] Cotton: "Our opportunities to do good are our talents." My father said that. The great increase Mather. To stay impartial, to weigh without bias... is this the good I am meant to do? I don't want your life in my hands. Half of Salem takes you for a fool. The rest dismiss you as a pervert. Am I mad to think I saw something in you? Something of a man? And just the sort Salem needs to fight the devil. [Thunder rumbles] Abigail: [Echoing] Isaac, Isaac. Isaac, Isaac. Oh, sweet Isaac. Isaac: Abby? [Laughs] Abby? Abigail: Isaac. Isaac: How did you... Abigail: Shh. My sweet. Tell me... who was with you in the woods? Isaac: Who was what? Abigail: The other night. Who was with you? Mary: Who was with you, my sweet Isaac? Abigail: Who was with you, my love? No one can hear us. If you love me, you'll tell me. Isaac: I can't. Abigail: Tell me, and we'll be together again, just like we were. Isaac: [Sighs] I can't. Abigail: You can. Isaac: I can't. Cotton: You can't what? Abigail: You can. It's okay. Who was with you, my love? Isaac: It was John Alden. [Door opens] [Door closes] Mary: Good morning, Magistrate. Mr. Hale: Good morning, Mrs. Sibley. What an unforeseen delight. Will you join me in some coffee? W-we've been experimenting with a new Brazilian brew. Mary: May we speak? Mr. Hale: The ladies are at prayer. Mary: He was alone... Isaac. Mr. Hale: You questioned him? How? Mary: He was alone in the woods. And that ends this persecution. Mr. Hale: And you're absolutely certain that Isaac was telling the truth? Mary: The circumstances were such that a lie would not... could not... cross his lips. Mr. Hale: Well, then, that leaves nothing but to task the selectmen to a vote and hang the boy for witchcraft. Mary: No. Mr. Hale: Salem will be no poorer for one less nitwit. Mary: No. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] We will never truly know what he saw, and what he saw could get us all klled. Mary: I can control Isaac. Mr. Hale: And what of the grand rite? You wanted another victim, and now you have one. Tick-tock, Mrs. Sibley. The next moon fast approaches. Mary: I will not let this happen. Mr. Hale: You're powerless to stop it. The council will rule overwhelmingly against it. Mary: You will not do this! [Plate rattles] Mr. Hale: It can only be sentiment that's stopping you. Such raw emotion. It makes you vulnerable. Don't let it cloud your purpose. He has to go. Anne: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Good morning, Anne. Isaac: They ain't mine. I've said it 10 ways from Sunday! Cotton: Then how did they come to be on your person? Isaac: I don't know. The pigman must have put them on me. Or that blasted specter from the crags. Cotton: The pigman? Isaac: He saw us that night in the woods. That's why they're doing this to me. Don't you see? They know I seen something. [Horse neighs] [Sighs] Cotton: What else do you remember? Isaac: From the woods? Cotton: No. From the other night. At... at the rod? Isaac: The whorehouse? Nothing. I-I-I don't remember anything. I told you... Mary: Captain, a word. Magistrate Hale will be here soon for Isaac. He's prepared to force a vote and hang him. You will stop him. John: How? Mary: Any way you must. Mr. Hale: Well, the business of Salem awaits no man. Anne: I know what you're doing, and I hate you for it. Mrs. Hale: Unacceptable language. Utterly and completely horrid sentiment. Anne: My friend is dad. And you rush out to kll another. Mr. Hale: Darling, you must understand... Anne: Even Mary Sibley, with whom I share not a single common opinion, finds your actions vile! Mr. Hale: And just how much of my conversation did you feel yourself entitled to? Anne: Enough to know that this persecution of Isaac is folly! Will you kll another, father? Is that the "business" you're so eager to attend to? Mr. Hale: Everything I do, I do for this family... For its well-being and for the greater good of this town. [Door opens] [Door closes] Anne: What? No "how dare you?" Or "mind your elders"? Mrs. Hale: For once, my daughter, I agree with you. Anne: You do? Mrs. Hale: But if I were you, I'd find an Avenue around your distaste for Mrs. Sibley in order to absorb her manners and ways. Anne: She's despicable. I could never be like her. Mrs. Hale: She is a woman who has found her way to a voice. Anne: Look how she uses it. Mrs. Hale: You could use yours any way you like, but you have to find it first, unless you want to spend the rest of your life shouting at your father... Or... Your husband. Cotton: What did Mrs. Sibley require? John: Are you convinced of Isaac's innocence or guilt? Cotton: I am not convinced of either. John: Then stay the hell out of my way. Mr. Hale: We shall take the boy to trial. John: That path leads to the gallows. Mr. Hale: It's in no one man's hands. John: Really? Whose hands is it in? Mr. Hale: God's, of course. John: No. Mr. Hale: Need I remind you, son, that you are impeding the very same man who only yesterday was your savior? John: Yeah. That was yesterday. You want Isaac today... You got to go through me. Mr. Hale: The great John Alden disappears for a decade and then dares to come back and dictate how to run our town? Take him. [Footsteps] Tituba: He is not worth this Isaac. Mary: This has nothing to do with Isaac. Tituba: I know. Which means it has to do with John Alden. Mary: The Magistrate will learn who leads us, and he will accept it. Tituba: Or? [Snake hisses] [Gasps] [Gasping] [Choking] John: [Grunting] Cotton: Help him. Isaac: [Screams] Messenger: Magistrate Hale, your daughter! Mr. Hale: Stop! Get him back in the cell! Stop! Stop! Get him back in the cell! What? What's happened? Isaac: [Grunting] Lamb: Has she et something strange from the garden or the woods? Mrs. Hale: No. Lamb: Was she bit by an insect or a critter? Mrs. Hale: No, no! Please! Mr. Hale: What's happened? Mrs. Hale: She... she can't breathe! Mr. Hale: For God's sakes, man, do something! Lamb: She is beyond my arts. [Anne choking] Mrs. Hale: Where... [door opens] Mr. Hale: Stop it! Make it stop! Mary: Magistrate, good afternoon. Mr. Hale: I beg of you. Isaac can go free, whatever you want. Just make it stop. Mary: You will not question him. Mr. Hale: No. Mary: You will get out of my way. You will let me lead without further interference. I will choose who lives and who dies. Mr. Hale: Yes, yes. Help her. Mary: You see, Magistrate, I've lost everything in this town that I ever cared for. You, however, you have everything left to lose... a sentiment that makes you vulnerable. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] Please. My daughter. My daughter. [Indistinct conversations] Mrs. Hale: She's improved. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] I never understood it before... how my parents could send me away. What could be worse than being apart? Certainly not death. Now I know a parent will do anything for the life of their child. Mrs. Hale: What did you do? Anne: What happened? Mr. Hale: It's all right, darling. Everything's going to be all right. [Smooches] [John groans] Cotton: A confession... I've thought, on occasion, my character might've been improved by the infrequent tussle. John: Oh, yeah. Beating's done you a world of good. Why did you help me? Cotton: Even God demands a fair fight. Mr. Hale: Gentlemen. The selectmen and I feel, in this particular case, that a trial and a vote will be unnecessary. Clearly, the lad was drunk. We are willing to let him go and drop charges. Unless, of course, the Reverend feels otherwise. Cotton: A drunken romp is all... a young man's prerogative. Why don't you tell him? John: Well... The good folks of Salem have declared you a drunk and not a witch. You're sprung. Isaac: I'm free? John: Yeah. Get the hell out of here. Isaac: Pretty sure no one's ever stood for me before. Makes it hard to know what to say. You saved my life. Cotton: Excellent news. Isaac has been spared. Gloriana: What? How? Cotton: There simply wasn't the required evidence to convict. I told you I was thorough and that the innocent... Have no cause for alarm. Does that not give you peace? Gloriana: That is today, but what of the days that follow? Cotton: We will take them as they come. Gloriana: We will? Cotton: I told you... no harm will come to you. Gloriana: You can't be sure. Cotton: I can. Gloriana: Do you ever wonder? Cotton: What? Gloriana: If we could leave this place? If we could forget Salem and its witches? If we could have a different life? Cotton: I believe I'm doing good. Gloriana: I know. And your father would be so very proud. [Bell tolling] Mary: Isaac has been freed? John: Yes. Mary: Good. John: You should see the militia. Mary: I'm grateful. For Isaac. John: Okay, then. Mary: John... We were fortunate today, but we might not be so lucky in days to come. If you insist on staying... you must understand I cannot protect you. George: [Gargles]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x03 - In Vain"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mary: We all welcome Captain Alden home from his long, long service. Giles: You come back for one thing and one thing only. She's Mary Sibley now. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years without a word. John: I was captured. Gloriana: If we could forget Salem and its witches. If we could have a different life. Mrs. Hale: She can't breathe! Mr. Hale: Make it stop. Please. My daughter. Cotton: We call it a spectral attck... the work of witches. Pray for her. Mercy: [Screaming] Reverend Lewis: Imperat tibi deus pater... Imperat tibi Deus filius... Imperat tibi Deus Spiritus Sanctus... Imperat tibi majestas Christi... Mercy: [Groans] You must stop this. Reverend Lewis: ...Eternum dei verbum caro factum... Imperat sacramentum crucis... Mercy: They will hang you if they learn of this. Reverend Lewis: The witches have already taken your life. I no longer fear the puritans claiming mine. The wretched spirit that inhabits you must be excised. Or else what becomes of you? Hmm? Madness? Death? Do you trust me, Mercy? Mercy: Yes, father. Reverend Lewis: That I would do nothing to hurt you? Mercy: Well, of course. Reverend Lewis: [Smooches] Mercy: [Breathing shakily] Father. Father. Reverend Lewis: I cast you out, every unclean spirit... Every satanic power... Mercy: Please! I beseech you! Reverend Lewis: ...Every onslaught of the infernal adversary... In the name and in the power of our Lord Jesus. Mercy: It's you that's been driven to madness! [Screams] [Wailing] Reverend Lewis: Malleus maleficarum. Mercy: [Crying] [Screams] ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ [Sheep bleats] William: Good morning. I, uh, am here to collect a parcel incoming on that vessel. Sentry: Influenza outbreak. Five dad. Frigate's under quarantine. William: Quarantine? By whose order? Sentry: George Sibley. By way of his wife, Mary Sibley. Mary: Does a man desire to know when he is on the precipice of his own death? What say you, George? Would your friend, the blacksmith, want to know that scant hours from now, Mercy Lewis will accuse him of witchcraft? From which his trial and execution will swiftly follow? Or would he favor his waning moments be spent in ignorance? Oh, don't pity him, George. It is the blood of innocents like your friend that make our grand rite possible. Each accusation made, each trial convened not for us, but by us. No one the wiser to our plan and nobody brave enough to stand in our way. Anne: You miss them, don't you? John: When I was young, I thought them horribly sensible people. Now... Salem could use more like them. Anne: I'm intruding, Captain. John: No, no. I'm glad you're amongst the living... so to speak. Word was you had taken quite ill. Anne: Indeed. A fit that came on suddenly and without reason, followed by a restless sleep in which the sickness infected even my dreams. John: Your dreams? Anne: I dreamt of a doll with eyes full and black. And when I awoke, feverish in the night's middle, I could have sworn the doll was there, staring back at me. John: Fever dreams can be quite vivid. Anne: Except I could have sworn that I saw my father enter in darkness and remove the doll. But when I asked, he laughed and assured me that... John: You were dreaming. Anne: Do you doubt my father's veracity, Captain Alden? John: No. But it seems like you do. Anne: I... I have no doubt that he's a good man. But lately... John: What? Mr. Hale: Had I but known you were in such safe hands, I would have spared your mother her worry. John: Magistrate. Mr. Hale: Come along, Anne. Let us allow Captain Alden his privacy. Cotton: Have I heard you correctly? Are you suggesting that Anne Hale is the victim of... John: A spell. Cotton: Am I, too, the victim of a spell? Or has John Alden finally declared his belief in witches? John: I've seen too much to deny any longer, making my next step obvious... catching one. Gloriana: [Laughs] Cotton: As you know, apprehending a witch is no easy feat. John: Unless you know who they are. Cotton: Have you uncovered the conjurer who spelled Anne? Who is it? Tell me. John: Someone in proximity to his victim. Cotton: Yes. John: Whose own daughter voices her suspicions. Cotton: Magistrate Hale? John: He's not who he seems. Cotton: Who amongst us is? You? Or I? Who among us is unburdened by shame or secrets that we hide from the world? Gloriana: [Laughs] Cotton: I'm Reverend Mather. Is there a problem? William: Well, no. The lady and I were just discussing some business. Cotton: Business? William: Yes. As in how much it might cost me to get down to some. Cotton: This is a reputable establishment! It offers no place for your lechery. William: Reverend. John: Reverend. Cotton! William: Pardon me. I apologize if I've caused any offense. Good day. Cotton: Do you know that man? John: Never seen him before. Children: ♪ ring around the rosies ♪ ♪ Pocketful of posies ♪ ♪ Ashes, ashes ♪ ♪ We all fall down ♪ [Sizzling] Blacksmith: Ah. [Laughs] Yeah. Tituba: She has arrived. Mary: Mercy. My dear, this is a blessing. Reverend Lewis: Truly. And she is again well enough to breathe the fall air. [Chuckles] Mary: Our deepest gratitude is often saved for what we once took for granted. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] [Wheezing] Mary: Mercy? What is it? Reverend Lewis: No. No, my child. No. No. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] The witch!! Young woman: Who's the witch, Mercy?! Tell us! Who's the witch?! Is he the witch, Mercy? Is he?! Mercy: [Crying] [Screams] Reverend Lewis: Mercy! Mercy! Help! Will someone help us?! Tituba: What's happened? Mary: We've lost control. Mr. Hale: The hive is restless. Some are beginning to doubt your grand vision for our kind. Mary: Who? Give me their names. Rose: You're missing the point, child. Mary: Then perhaps he should make one. Mr. Hale: Trials are preceded by accusations. And accusations are predicated upon your control of the girl. Rose: The hunter's moon fast approaches. Mr. Hale: Yet the blacksmith still blithely peddles his wares, his blood lost to our cause. Tituba: How dare you. Before Mary, we were not feared, but fearful, not hunters, but prey. And yet does her strength and vision garner your praise? No. Only your doubt. Mary: The girl has been rendered frail by her circumstance. Nothing more. My mastery is not of issue. Rose: This is an assurance? Mary: She needs but a moment of rest. After which, she will again be strong enough to point the finger. Mr. Hale: Yet another issue remains... that of John Alden. Mary: What of him? Mr. Hale: His suspicion of me is palpable. If she cannot abate his thrat, then I will be forced to do so myself... as I see fit. Rose: Should you desire John Alden's trust, I would suggest you find a way to earn it. And, Mary... Your vision guides us. I will report to the others that your plan shall resume anon. Tituba: We need answers quickly. Mary: And we will get them. Tituba: How? Mary: The quickest way one finds answers... blame. Is it your intent to rob me of my remaining faith in you, Reverend? Cotton: Mrs. Sibley. I didn't hear you arrive. Mary: Your charge, simple and clear, is to protect the Lewis girl from further possession. And yet... Was the episode in the marketplace not evidence of exactly that? Cotton: We have no proof it was the work of witches. Mary: So you've paid her a visit, then? You've determined what ails her? Cotton: The pastor says she's resting and best not be disturbed. Mary: May I ask you a question, Reverend? When your father seeks out demons, does he ask permission? Does he knock on doors and offer to come back at a more convenient time? Or does he, armed with the lord's righteousness, demand the demon answer to him? Cotton: My father and I are different men. We work in different ways. Mary: When I summoned a hunter of witches to protect the people of Salem, it was not you I requested. Yet it was you who arrived on our shores. Do not make me regret settling for my second choice. Mr. Hale: Captain Alden. How fortuitous. I was just about to set this on your doorstep. I'll spare you the mystery. It's a reception tomorrow evening in your honor. John: A reception? No. That's not necessary. Mr. Hale: But it is. You're a selectman now. And, on a more personal note, a chance to make amends for my less-than-hospitable behavior since your return. Can we trust you'll be in attendance? John: Excuse me, magistrate. Lieutenant Hooke. William: John Alden. Now, is this any way to greet the man who saved you from those savages? John: What the hell are you doing here? William: Business, Captain. There is a vessel in port on which I have cargo. And until the quarantine is lifted, I am marooned here in your little witch town. John: We had a deal, and it was a simple one... that I was never to set eyes on you again. William: Yes. Well, you needn't worry. We're not the same men we were in the wr. But... There is something you could do to hasten my departure. John: What is that? William: The girl you spoke of in battle... Mary Walcott. Although she's Mary Sibley now, isn't she? An introduction with her would certain... John: You stay away from Mary. William: Or what, John? What will you do? John: What I should have done last time. William: [Scoffs] Now, careful, Captain. Before a man makes thrat, he should take stock of what he risks... unless you do not mind me telling the good people of Salem just who John Alden really is... neither the man nor the wr hero he purports to be. John: I want you to finish your business with all due haste, and then by coach or by steed or by ship, I want you gone. You have my word. Mary: Mr. Sibley's feeding will have to wait until I return from the reception. George: [Groans] [Groaning] William: Excuse me. Mrs. Sibley. Mary: And you are? William: I'm Hooke... William Hooke. Forgive my boldness, but I wondered if I might speak to you of your ship detained in port. Mary: As you've doubtless heard, it's under quarantine. William: Well, 'tis no bother. I merely mean to board the vessel and retrieve my cargo. Mary: And risk infection? Or worse? Well, this must be very valuable cargo, Mr. Hooke. Sorry. No one's permitted on board. William: Well, perhaps Mr. Sibley will be more open to reason. Mary: I can assure you, Mr. Hooke, my husband and I are of one mind on all matters. Good evening. Cotton: Mercy, if you can hear me, I beseech you, speak to me the name of the vengeful spirit that possesses you. Reverend Lewis: Hasn't she suffered enough? Cotton: Which is why I seek to end her suffering... by freeing her from the demon inside. Reverend Lewis: Mm. Cotton: [Sniffing] Reverend Lewis: Reverend Mather? Cotton: [Sniffs] Agrimony? Reverend Lewis: The... Apothecary's suggestion. Cotton: A herb with no medicinal value. Used historically in exorcisms. Reverend Lewis: Mm. She wakes. Cotton: Mercy? Can you hear me? Mercy: Yes, Reverend. Reverend Lewis: She looks well. Cotton: Eyes clear. Skin temperate to the touch. Reverend Lewis: Bless God. Mercy: [Coughing] Cotton: My God. What is this? Reverend Lewis: The barber bled her humors. She hasn't sufficient time to heal. [Music plays, indistinct conversations] Mary: Anne. What a lovely surprise. I anticipated only members of the board. Anne: Oh, I convinced my father to let me attend. One can't pass up the rare gathering in Salem that doesn't involve a noose and an angry mob. Beautiful, isn't it? Mary: Mm. Anne: A gift from my father. Mary: May I? [Sizzling] Exquisite. If you'll excuse me... Mr. Hale: Ah. And here I feared the guest of honor wasn't going to make an appearance at his own party. John: Well, I flipped a coin. Heads... I stay home. Mr. Hale: And tails? John: I flip again and pray for heads. No such luck. Mr. Hale: [Chuckles] Well, I think you'll find that you have more common ground with your fellow board members than you would have expected. John: Oh. They think Salem's gone mad, too? Mr. Hale: [Chuckles] Enjoy yourself, huh? Anne: Captain Alden. How nice to see you amongst the living... so to speak. Mary: Valerian root? You've resorted to the coarse tools of the hunters. Mr. Hale: Yes. Well, sadly, I can no longer take the safety of my loved ones for granted. Apparently, there are those in Salem who are not above thrat the lives of children. Mary: Hm. She's no child, magistrate. Certainly not, judging by the way she lusts for John Alden. Cotton: Mrs. Sibley. I came straightaway with news. Mercy Lewis is free of her possessor. Mary: You're certain? Cotton: My exam was thorough. I could glean no remaining evidence of the demon inside. Mary: How serendipitous. Cotton: Perhaps beyond good fortune. This is evidence of the witches' waning strength or waxing fear... a testament to the potency of our resistance. Mary: Forgive me, uh, Reverend, as I am but a layman in these matters, but how did she free herself from Satan's grasp? Cotton: I detected traces of agrimony, as well as an incision in the girl's abdomen, leading to my supposition that an exorcism had been performed. Mary: An exorcism? A catholic ritual performed in Salem, and you have the audacity to present this as good news? Do you know what Salem abhors even more than a witch, Reverend? A catholic. Yet under your most watchful eye, you've now allowed both to flourish. When could this have happened, Reverend... when you were distracted by drink or by whores? Cotton: Mrs. Sibley... Mary: Replacing demons with heathens is no victory. Seems even when you succeed, Reverend, you find a way to fail. Mr. Hale: We live in a time of wr, our enemies hidden among us. And so there could be no better time than this to welcome a new ally in our fight against the dark forces that thrat our town. Witches will be no match for a wr hero. The newest member of our board of selectmen... Captain John Alden. John: What if the witches were not the common folk? Not those who trapped our food nor birthed our babies? What if the witches were those we've entrusted to lead? A member, perhaps, of our most esteemed board? Well, I hope not, 'cause I'm one of you now. [Light laughter] And, together, I trust we will end the scourge that blights this town. Gloriana: Reverend Mather. Cotton: I'm sorry, Gloriana... [clears throat] Miss Embry... but it has been a very trying day, and I have not yet gn to prepare tomorrow's sermon. Gloriana: I simply wish to thank you... for showing me the depth of your care yesterday in the public house. Cotton: And so you have, Miss Embry. Though I assure you that separating you from that unsavory character was a mere act of charity. Gloriana: Charity? Cotton: So, too, pity. Gloriana: Pity and charity? Cotton: I'm afraid. Gloriana: And it had nothing to do with feeling? Cotton: [Scoffs] Not beyond the feeling I possess for any of God's needy creatures... a hungry child... A wounded animal. Gloriana: A whore? Cotton: Glori... Miss Embry, you know I detest such words. Gloriana: But in the house of the lord, there can be no deceit. Isn't that what you preach? That a whore is a whore? Just as one would never say "pity" when they meant "passion"... "Charity" when they meant "envy." Cotton: Envy? Gloriana: At the thought of another man's mouth on mine, his body pressed against mine... His loins enveloped in mine. Cotton: Lord, forgive her impiety. Gloriana: Is that the same lord that you invoke from my bed as you thrust in and out of me? The same lord that you thank as my tongue traces down your chest or up your thigh? That same lord to which I pray that your promise to return will never be an empty one? Cotton: Gloriana, you mustn't be here. Gloriana: Or what? What will you do here... in the house of the lord? Cot... cot... Cotton. Cotton. Cot... cot... aah. [Gasps] No. Please. Gloriana: [Groans] [Whimpers] Cotton: [Groaning] [Breathing heavily] [Coins clink] [Footsteps departing] William: Mr. Sibley. My name is Hooke... William Hooke. And I have cargo on your frigate detained in port. Yet your wife refuses to lift the quarantine. Now, whilst Mrs. Sibley's beauty is beyond dispute, what woman truly grasps the necessities of a man's vocation? They... S-sir... Has your illness rendered you deaf and dumb? I... George: [Groaning] [Grunts] Mr. Hale: I'm a bit upset with myself, Captain. John: Why? Mr. Hale: I invited you to my home under false pretense. In hoping to gain your trust, I have clearly done the very opposite. John: What's your point, magistrate? Mr. Hale: Perhaps it would have been wiser for me to simply tell you the truth about who and what I am. John: And what's that? Mr. Hale: A concerned father. Three days ago, my daughter was spelled... or so I believe. John: And yet when she asked, you... Mr. Hale: I lied... yes. How could I let her know that there are those out there who wish to do her harm? You see what they've done to the Lewis girl, her mind no longer her own. What if my Anne is their next target? You and I have a common enemy... the witches who would do my Anne and all of us harm. John: And who are they? Mr. Hale: This remains a mystery. John: I must admit, uh... I underestimated you. Mr. Hale: Well, thank you. John: You are full of far more [Bleep] than I thought possible. Maybe you did not spell Anne. Maybe your explanations have been genuine. But I don't think so. I think you're dirty. And once I find proof, all of Salem will, too. [Door opens] Tituba: He requested you, yet shows no signs of agitation. Mary: That will change. Breaking into my home? Do you know what happens to thieves in Salem? William: No. But I know what happens to witches. Mary: What's this? William: Perhaps a question best asked of Mr. Sibley. Mary: My husband's affliction has robbed him of both reason and sense. William: [Chuckles] And yet are either actually required to point the finger in Salem? Mary: I care not for thrat, Mr. Hooke. William: And I care not to resort to them. So, perhaps, we could avoid bringing this note to the attention of the board of selectmen. Mary: Grant you access to my ship or face your most scurrilous accusations? Fine. At midnight, the ship's sentry will be sent home, and you can retrieve your cargo. Now out with you. [Door closes] Tituba: Does my sense betray me? He could undo you! All of us! Mary: And so could Mercy. The familiar has been cut from her. Tituba: How? Mary: An exorcism... performed by her dolt of a father, no doubt. So we must replace it. Tituba: And yet why would she accept it a second time? Mary: She wouldn't, unless there is some part of the girl to which we can appeal. Tituba: And what part is that? Mary: The same part you once touched in me... the deep, small piece of her that longs for a better life. Tituba: You must move quickly, then. I, alone, will take charge of Mr. Hooke. Mary: But, Tituba... These are perilous times. No blood must lead back to our door. Do you understand? Tituba: Perfectly. Rose: Had I known you were a friend of John Alden's, I would have found another courier. William: I can assure you, we are not friends. If you knew the truth of the man, you would rethink such an accusation. Rose: And what truth is that? William: In any case, the impediment has been removed. The package shall be yours by midnight. Rose: You did not speak my name to her? William: I did as instructed. But, still, I can't help but wonder... this parcel... Rose: You have been paid well not to wonder, Mr. Hooke. Mary: Mercy. Mercy: [Screams] Leave me. Mary: I won't leave you. I can't. You need me. Mercy: [Whimpers] [Crying] You're a liar. I don't need you. Mary: When you resist me, when you point at a demon that only you can see, what do they do? They shave your locks. They weep for your wretched soul. Mercy: Go away! Go! Mary: Without me, you are but a girl, weak and ordinary. But with me inside you, you are... Omnipotent. Mercy: [Sobbing] Mary: Hush, now. Give them no cause to pity you. Give them only reason to fear you. Mercy: [Panting] No! No! Mary: Open, girl. Open your mouth. Yes. Just like that. He has chosen you to be his vessel on earth. There is no greater honor than to be in his service. Mercy: [Screaming] Reverend Lewis: What? What? What? What? What? Mary: She is mine. John: Tituba? Tituba: Mary is in trouble. I am but a servant, Captain, unentitled to such an intrusion. John: What is it? Tituba: I fear you and my mistress share a common adversary... Mr. Hooke. John: How did you know that he... Tituba: I saw you quarreling in the Warren off the square. He demands access to my mistress' ship. Why? To retrieve some worthless parcel, as he claims? Or does he harbor darker intent? John: He plans to rob her. Tituba: So my mistress fears. John: Why did Mrs. Sibley allow him to board that vessel? Tituba: He left her no choice. He thrat to spread false rumor of an affair... with you, Captain. She sought to reason with him, but... John: He is not a man that responds to reason. Tituba: Mrs. Sibley would lash me if she knew I had come, but I fear Mr. Hooke will be her ruin. Unless... John: Speak, girl. Tituba: Unless there be a man who desires to stop him. [Creaking] Mr. Hale: You have feelings for him, don't you? Anne: "Him"? Mr. Hale: Must I say his name? Was it not obvious to all who were present this evening? Anne: Is it not a woman's prerogative to choose which man she fancies? Mr. Hale: It is. Just as it is a father's prerogative to protect his daughter's heart from those he feels will do it harm. John Alden, for instance. Anne: Why do you say this? Because he doesn't curry your favor, like every other twitchy young man in Salem? Mr. Hale: No. That is not it. How could he ever be yours truly when he always was and always will be Mary Sibley's? Anne: Their history is no secret. But it is just that... history. She is a married woman now. Mr. Hale: And do you suppose Mary Sibley will idly stand by while you claim that which she rightfully considers to be her own? Anne: You fear her, father. I do not. Mr. Hale: You are but a child. You don't understand. Anne: [Chuckling] A child? A moment ago, you agreed I was a woman. Mr. Hale: It's not for debate. Anne: By whose command? Mr. Hale: By mine! Your father! Your lord and master! I forbid you to have further contact with Captain Alden! Anne: Or what? What punishment awaits me? Will you crush the life from me, as you do your enemies? Or just my spirit, as you do those you love? Mr. Hale: Quiet! Not one word more! John: Put it down. William: No. This parcel belongs to me. A claim that even Mary Sibley cannot dispute. John: I'm not here on her behalf. Now put it down. William: [Chuckles] Ask yourself, Captain... Is it really worth it? John: What? William: The cost of settling old scores. What would be the charge if the magistrate knew what you did? mrder? Treason? Both? [Chuckles] John: You know what happened that day. William: Yes. I watched you spill innocent blood. Without regret or remorse. Men slaughtered like animals. All of them... dad. John: Not all of them. We had a deal, Mr. Hooke... the day you fell to your knees and begged for your life that should I let you live, we would never cross paths again. You didn't hold up your end. William: Now, think this through, Captain. John: Oh, I have... thoroughly. And the only life I lament that day was the one I spared. A man should keep his promises, Mr. Hooke. William: So you're... Just going to slit my throat here, like some yellow horse? John: No. William: No. [Gasps] [Gasps] John: [Panting] John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Sleeplessness seems to be epidemic this evening. John: [Chuckles] Mary: Do you remember the last time we spoke, in the shadow of the graveyard? John: Of course. Mary: The promises we made? You would return within a year. John: And you would breathlessly wait. Were they lies? Mary: No. They were wishes. Made by those that knew nothing of the world. John: And now? Mary: We know. What we desire and what we must do to survive are often at odds. It's, uh, late, Captain. John: It is. Mary: Long past my bedtime. John: I wish you sweet dreams, Mary. Mary: Perhaps they've already g*n. Mercy: [Laughing] I know what you are. [Laughing]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x04 - Survivors"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Gloriana: Do you ever wonder? Cotton: What? Gloriana: If we could leave this place? [Laughs] Cotton: Gloriana, you mustn't be here. Gloriana: What will you do here... in the House of the Lord? [Groans] John: What the hell are you doing here, Hooke? William: Now, careful, Captain... unless you do not mind me telling the good people of Salem just who John Alden really is. The package shall be yours by midnight. [Gasps] Mary: The familiar has been cut from her. Tituba: How? Mary: An exorcism... performed by her dolt of a father, no doubt. So we must replace it. Cotton: My God. Mary: The girl has been rendered frail by her circumstance. She needs but a moment of rest. After which, she will again be strong enough to point the finger. Mary: Open your mouth. George: [Groans] Mercy: [Screaming] I know what you are. [Up-tempo music plays] [Women moaning] Mab: Get 'em into a room, will ya? I'll be back in two shakes. Gloriana: You're leaving? Mab: [Sighs] Are you deaf, girl? Get 'em into a room! Gloriana: Yes, mum. [Moaning continues] [Laughter in distance] [Insects chirping, dog barks] [Branch snaps] _ Mr. Hale: I do not. Ancient witch ♪1: Yo'a'nes John Alden. Ancient witch ♪2: John Alden. Mr. Hale: Yes? Yes. Yes. Yet, you say the man who holds the secret is dad. Are we certain we can trust her? I'm not so sure the servant is loyal. Tituba: I used to think your stubbornness a virtue. Mary: And you don't any longer? Tituba: Why go alone when there is influence in numbers? Mary: The girl has shown her color. We are well beyond the point of intimidation. Tituba: Then perhaps we are at the point of elimination. Mary: Perhaps, but for the time being, she is worth much more to us alive than dad. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Rev. Lewis: Look who's here, Mercy... Mrs. Sibley. Sit up straight, girl. Mary: Leave us. Leave us, Reverend. Rev. Lewis: Yes. Certainly. [Door closes] Mary: You came to visit me last night. Mercy: Did I? Mary: The time for coyness has passed. It is clear you know exactly who and what I am. The only question that remains is what you will do with that information. Mercy: That depends on you, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: What do you want, girl? Mercy: I want it to stop... the trture, the torment, the suffering. Or I will tell them. I will tell them all who and what you are. Mary: You know nothing of me... Or what I've done or given up or endured to be who I am. You are tortured because you resist. Give in to me, and you will know only pleasure. Mercy: [Crying] You trture me. You put the snake inside of me. You are the hag that bites my shoulder. Mary: Careful, or your foolishness will come to overshadow your usefulness. You live still... Because I allow it. You breathe only because I wish it. Mercy: You would kll me? Mary: If you speak. Stay silent, and you shall live. My heart is deep and full. It yearns to give you further chance to prove your worth. Fail me, and you fail yourself. The crag awaits your decision. John: [Grunting] [Breathes sharply] Damn it. [Gasping] [Grunts] [Gasping] [Sizzling] [Horse whinnies] [Indistinct conversations in distance] [Knock on door] Gloriana: You sent for me? Cotton: Yes. Gloriana: [Sighs] If your purpose is further humiliation or probings of the heart, I, for one, have had my fill. Cotton: My purpose is a proposition. A business arrangement of sorts. Gloriana: I'm listening. Cotton: In which you would tell me the sum of your most fruitful week's bounty, and I shall provide double in perpetuity... For your company... And your precious time... In exclusivity. Gloriana: So you wish to buy me outright. Cotton: I'm an only child. I never learned to share. Gloriana: Which is as close as a man like you comes to an apology. Was it really so very painful for you to see me with another? Cotton: Yes. Will you be mine? Gloriana: [Breathes sharply] [Knock on door] John: Cotton. Gloriana: [Gasps] Cotton: Captain Alden! [Both breathing heavily] What brings you here? [Chuckles] John: This. [Indistinct conversations] Elizabeth: Are you sure, Dottie? Are you sure she won't hurt us? Dottie: 'Course she won't hurt us... unless you be a witch. Emily: Shh! Dottie: [Chuckles] Hello, Mercy. May we come in? Mercy: Mm. Dottie: They come to you in your room, Mercy? Them... Witches? Mercy: Sometimes... And other times in other places. Elizabeth: Are they here with us now? Can you see them as we speak? Mercy: No, I don't see them now. Emily: Do they hurt you? Mercy: Sometimes. Emily: What's it like? Mercy: What's it like? Emily: To point your finger and make them shake and tremble with fear. Dottie: To point your finger and watch them run. Mercy: No, it's not like that... At all. I swear. Emily: No woman in Salem has ever had that kind of power. Dottie: Not even Mary Sibley. Mercy: You think I have sway... Dottie: [Chuckles] Mercy: Amongst all the people of Salem? Emily: Your little finger points to life a-and death itself. Elizabeth: Tell us... what do the witches look like? Mercy: Mm. [Indistinct conversations] Richards: One more thing, Mrs. Sibley... there was an overflow of parcels left on the Britania, all of which are to be delivered to a William Hooke. Now, we've looked high and low. No one could seem to locate the fellow. Mary: I see. I'll take care of it. Richards: Thank you, madam. Tituba: They will not find Mr. Hooke... not now, not ever. Mary: I won't ask what happened to him. Tituba: Nor should you. Mary: Then contain it before curiosity grows. Mr. Hale: Uh, Mrs. Sibley, uh, good afternoon. Might I borrow your girl? The missus has taken ill with a batch of wayward mussels and now begs relief with one of her exceptional tonics. Mary: Please send Mrs. Hale my most urgent regrets. Mr. Hale: Most kind. Mm? Mary: Oh, Mr. Richards, uh, fetch for me a list of items this Mr. Hooke was here to receive, one that also perhaps includes their site of origin. Richards: Right away, madam. Tituba: Your lie is clumsy. No one is ill. My mistress can see that as clearly as I. Mr. Hale: Yes, well, when it comes to lies and subterfuge, I defer to your expert endowments. Tituba: State your purpose or be gone with you. Mr. Hale: My purpose is to rid this town of John Alden once and for all, unless that is a purpose for which you lack interest. [Dog barking] John: That was the same girl... from lamb's, the one you threw a punch over. Cotton: Was it? John: Wasn't aware they made outcalls. Cotton: Tell me again of the visions. John: Yellowed faces... bodies overcome by rash and blister... Death in great numbers. Cotton: And this came to you as the artifact was brought to life? John: Yep. Cotton: Where did you say it came from? John: Where everything in this town comes from... a ship. Cotton: Ritum magni. John: The grand rite? Cotton: Most of what we know is lore... rumor, legend. It says this object, this "malum," has thought to be present at every grand rite throughout history. Everything I have read has said that the grand rite has only ever been attempted, never completed. John: Maybe plague's only part of it. Cotton: This object is evil. It consecrates the earth for the devil's return. John: It was here for delivery. Someone was expecting it. Cotton: A witch. We must inform the selectmen immediately. John: No. Cotton: No? John: We have something the witches want. What better way to get their attention? Cotton: What better way to get yourself klled? John: We are all in danger, but I would rather die before Salem's finest control my fate. Are you with me? [Rat squeaking] Mr. Hale: Not over there, you infernal mutant! Over here! [Insects buzzing] That's him. Mary: And the true purpose in taking you from me? Tituba: My eyes betrayed my sense when I came upon Mrs. Hale bent over her chamber pot. Mary: If you insist upon this lie, it forces me to ask where you're off to now with such great urgency. Tituba: The apotek. I run low on the bark of cascara sagrada. Mary: By all means. Dottie: It's like the great flowing robe of the pope. Elizabeth: Or the jeweled-up crown of a king. Mercy: Well, it's quite disagreeable on... I assure you. Dottie: Just think of it... being led through the market by the handsome Reverend Mather. What's he like, Mercy, hmm? Does he speak of God and demons? Mercy: We've spoke many times. He's shown great interest in my affliction. Elizabeth: It's you who points the finger... [Laughter] Emily: While all of Salem holds their breath and waits. Mercy: Well, it's not exactly like that. I... Emily: If I had your say-so, I know who I'd accuse. Mercy: Who? Who? Dottie: It's her father. She'd accuse her own father. Mercy: Why? Dottie: Makes her sing in the streets all day long while he nurses the bottle at lamb's... sing and beg. Then he takes what coin she's made for spirits and beats her senseless for her troubles. Mercy: Is this true? Emily: I'm to be 15 next month, and he swears to sell me to the rod. Mercy: Your father means to sell you to the whorehouse? Emily: [Crying] I'll run away. Even if he sells me, I'm... I'll run. Mercy: No one is running away. No one. [Clanging] Hawker: Sinner or savior! How are we to know?! Look but to the torment of the damned, and think well of the difference betwixt angels and devils, and you will know what sin is and where sin resides! John: How 'bout you not rile the crowd further than they are? Hawker: [Chuckles] It's two bits a sheet. I'm still full up here, unless you'd like to buy me out. John: Be loads more fun to bat you stupid. Miss Hale. Anne: Captain Alden. John: It's a fine day. Anne: [Sighs] Is it? John: Perhaps not. Anne: Oh, indeed. Perhaps not. Perhaps there will be no more fine days in Salem. Perhaps the days of fine days are tragically behind us. John: Have I offended you, Miss Hale? Anne: Do you consider it offensive raising hope in a heart most normally well-guarded while your own beats in the breast of another? Do you, Captain Alden, find that reprehensible or simply unkind? John: Well, I... Anne: Or, most likely, you think not of it at all or me or others, as is the wont and practice of most men. Ah, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Anne. Anne: Perfect. [Horse whinnies] [Sighs] Mary: Are you ever grateful to be no longer young? John: [Scoffs] Yes. Though her youthful moxie does bring to mind another. Mary: I was never that young. John: We were both... Once. What brings you to market? Mary: Tituba. We were to meet at the herbalist. Tituba: A fine pair you two make in this place of death. Mr. Hale: Give it to her. Tituba: It will take time. Mr. Hale: And you will report to me as soon as you're finished. Tituba: Afraid to stay? Mr. Hale: My time is better spent elsewhere. Tituba: For the best. Once a man dabbles in the dark arts, it's difficult for him to return to the light. Fetch me a rabbit. Ghoul: Y-yes. [Indistinct conversations] Man: Get on there! Rose: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Mrs. Browning. Rose: Oh. No need to turn away. He is an arresting figure. Only my old lady's eyes that keep me from staring myself. Mary: Don't be ridiculous. Cotton: You still insist on ignoring my expertise. John: Yep. Cotton: There are less pedestrian, less painful methods, with which we could accomplish our goals. It must happen tonight. There will be no second chances. John: The ways of the common are always good enough for me. And if it causes pain, so much the better. Mr. Hale: Still in a brown study, I see. Mrs. Hale: Hasn't spoken a word all day. Mr. Hale: Mm. Well, she'll recover. Mrs. Hale: From what? What did you say to her? Mr. Hale: Nothing. Merely trying to spare her heart the inevitable woe. Mrs. Hale: Worry not, my husband. This will all be distant memory once she's become Mrs. Cotton Mather. Mr. Hale: Mm-hmm. Rose: I wonder. Mary: Wonder what? Rose: If he'd never left, if you'd been allowed to marry, and found yourself now in that house of his with three squalling brats, working ceaselessly to spread your meager wages... Would Captain Alden still hold such desperate appeal? Or is it that you're trapped in first bliss, romance from which there's no escape, your heart ever hurting from the imaginings of what could have been? Do not stare at him in public. It weakens you. Mary: It never even occurs to you, does it? I might have outgrown your sage advice. [Clanging] Mercy: [Growling] Dottie: Though she cannot speak... Girls: ...She will show us the witch! She will show us the witch! Tituba: Balbin, gab, Gabor, agaba! Arise, I call thee! Colpriziana, offina alta nestra, fuaro menut. William Hooke, thou art the dad I seek. William Hooke, answer my calling. Girls: She will show us the witch! Dottie: Though she cannot speak... Girls: ...She will show us the witch! Mercy: [Snarls] Girls: She will show us the witch! She will show us the witch! She will show us the witch! She will show us the witch! Mercy: [Screaming] [Crowd murmuring] [Screaming continues] Mary: Stop her, Reverend. She makes mockery of you. Stop her! Mercy: [Breathing deeply] [Screams] Tituba: William Hooke, thou art the dad I seek. William Hooke, answer my calling. Fortis roa, strength and breath, strength and breath, strength and breath. William Hooke, thou art the dad I seek. William Hooke, answer my calling. Strength and breath, strength and breath, strength and breath. Hooke: You. Tituba: Yes. Hooke: I thought our business concluded. Tituba: Tell me John Alden's secret. Hooke: [Chuckles] Meet me in hell, you bitch. Tituba: Oh, there are worse places than hell. Speak! Hooke: Ahh. [Indistinct shouting] Mercy: [Growling] [Screams] [Screams] Witch! Dottie: Oh, no, Emily. It's your father. [Indistinct conversations] Man: [Grunting] Tituba: What's happened now? Mr. Hale: Query your mistress. I haven't the faintest idea. What of your mission? Mary: Of course I find you here, not at the jail investigating this new witch, not with Mercy Lewis, but here, alone, playing with your blasted toys. Cotton: It seems I am determined to displease you, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: [Crying] Cotton: Mrs. Sibley. Please. Mary: I'm sorry. Cotton: Please. Tell me... what troubles you. Mary: That girl has gone mad with power. Encouraged by her peers, influenced by petty dispute. The selectmen fear that she's no longer reliable. Cotton: [Scoffs] Nonsense. Mary: They are uncertain that she can be further trusted. Cotton: It is not theirs to decide. I will assess the girl and form my own opinion of her role. Mary: You would do that, Reverend? Cotton: Of course. Mary: [Sighs] I am torn and harried by my many responsibilities. Cotton: [Sighs] It's my fault completely. Mary: [Sniffles] Cotton: I hadn't considered the toll this has taken on you. Mary: Oh, and a rift amongst the selectmen at this fragile moment might be more burden than I... or Salem... could bear. Cotton: Worry not, Mrs. Sibley. You fetched me here to run these witch trials, and run them I must. Mary: Thank you, Reverend. What a relief to find at least one who can relieve my hardships. [Sighs] What is that? Cotton: It's an artifact that I'm researching. Mary: Does it have to do with witches? Cotton: It's associated with the grand rite, a ritual of death attributed to witches over the centuries. Mary: And why does this object in particular concern you? Cotton: Everything regarding witches concerns me, madam. We cannot be too prepared. [Chuckles] Mary: What luck for Salem that your father was unavailable. We will owe our future to you, Reverend. Of that I am sure. [Door opens] [Footsteps approach] Mr. Hale: The secret is useless. John Alden will not leave town for a gambling debt. Rose: [Laughs] That's what she told you? Mr. Hale: She lied? Rose: [Scoffs] Mr. Hale: I'll bat it out of her. Rose: No. Does Tituba not yearn for the grand rite? Is there another, in fact, that craves it more? Mr. Hale: So she'll use the real secret. Rose: In her own way, but for the same purpose... to control Mary. Mr. Hale: Ah. Rose: [Sighs] We have another problem. The object William Hooke was tasked to deliver has fallen into other hands. Mr. Hale: And what exactly was William Hooke tasked to deliver? Rose: The malum. Mr. Hale: The malum? Rose: We must be prepared for every eventuality, even one that does not include Mary Sibley. That is the malum's purpose. Mr. Hale: Who has it? Rose: John Alden. Mary: I looked for you at market. Tituba: The apotek ran low. I was forced to pick the bark myself. Mary: The next lie to cross your lips will be your last. Tituba: You would thrat me, your one true ally? Mary: So the others have turned on me. Tituba: Yes. Mary: Who? Tituba: Each and every one. Mary: Rose? Tituba: Everyone. They meet in secret, speak of your weakness, plot to rid Salem of John Alden. Mary: Fearful he has taken me from myself. Tituba: Yes. Mary: Nonsense. I am most completely myself! Tituba: You are not! You are in love. Let me tell you about him... this man that you love. He is a mrder. Mary: [Scoffs] He is not. Tituba: Yes. And he has klled yet another to keep his secret. If I tell the Magistrate, the militia will come, they will take him, and they will hang him. Mary: Lies. Tituba: If you wish for John Alden to live, you will complete the grand rite. The next moon will see eight more dad. Mary: Lies. Tituba: The dad don't lie. Emily: Hello, father. [Indistinct conversations in distance] Henry: I'm locked up. Emily: Yes, you are. Henry: What for? Emily: You're a witch. Henry: A drunk, a card sharp, a two-timer, maybe. But a witch? [Laughing] I think not. Emily: I come to say goodbye. And thanks for nothing. Henry: I'll be out of here in no time, and then you will be sold, just like we planned. Emily: Or you'll hang... Or burn. We'll see, father. We'll see. Anne: Miss Hopkins? Emily: Miss... Miss Hale. Anne: A small collection to help ease your circumstances in this most trying time. Emily: Thank you. Anne: He'll get a fair trial. My father will see to that, or I'll see to my father. Emily: You're most kind, Miss Hale. Anne: Ah, it's not kindness. They hung my friend. I watched her kick and... Scream and... Soil herself. I will not do that again. Stay strong. Mary: Time for truth. Mary: I lied to you earlier. I was young once... young enough that I believed in goodness. I believed in it because I saw it in you. You can't help it. Y-you can't stop it. You can't be any other way. And I think that's why I loved you. Imagine my surprise... Being told you're a mrder. John: You don't know me. Mary: What? John: You don't know me! I klled 20 men. Mary: No. John: Yes. 20 men. And their only crime was that they had come to save me. Mary: No, I won't believe it. John: Believe it because it's true! [Breathing sharply] Lucky men go to their graves with no regrets. Barely a day passes when I don't have one. Mary: [Crying] Sometimes in life, we make choices. And sometimes, these... these difficult choices... they lead us to do things, terrible things, and we don't wish to. We'd do anything not to. But choice informs choice. Your actions, though your own, they... they don't resemble anything you'd have wanted or wished for. Tell me that it was like that, tell me that it was a difficult choice, a terrible thing, please, please, so that I might still believe in goodness. John: I mrder 20 men. And I make no excuses for myself. Will you have me arrested? Mary: I am the only one that knows. [Indistinct conversations and laughter] Girls: Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call. Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call. Prince... [Laughter] Girl: Father of evil, hear our call. Girls: Prince of darkness... Girl: Father of evil, hear our call. Girl: Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call. Prince of darkness, master of all... Girls: Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call. [Laughter] Father of evil, hear our call! Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call. Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil, hear our call! Prince of darkness, master of all, father of evil... Mary: We had a deal. Mercy: Our deal no longer pleases me. Mary: Then I ask again... what do you want? Mercy: I want to be just like you. [Creaking] Woman: Aah! [g*n cocks] [Woman groaning] [Groaning continues] [Chuckles]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x05 - Lies"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Cotton: Tell me again of the visions. It says this object, this "malum," has thought to be present at every grand rite throughout history. Tituba: You would thrat me, your one true ally? Mary: So the others have turned on me. Tituba: Yes. Mary: Rose? Tituba: Everyone. Rose: I wonder. Mary: Wonder what? Rose: If he'd never left, would Captain Alden still hold such desperate appeal? Tituba: Tell me John Alden's secret. Mary: We had a deal. Mercy: Our deal no longer pleases me. Mary: What do you want? Mercy: I want to be just like you. Rose: The malum has fallen into other hands. Cotton: This object is evil. Woman: Aah! Cotton: It consecrates the earth for the devil's return. Rose: You filthy pricks. You coward! John: What are we waiting for? Cotton: Saturn... Rose: [Chuckles] Cotton: Planetary ruler of witches. John: Have you been drinking? Cotton: Most certainly. It's not every night I catch a witch with a... a "boob's trap" was it? Rose: [Coughing] Cotton: Lured here by that infernal box of yours, the malum. Once every 17 years, saturn stations direct... Rose: [Groans] Cotton: Exalted in its own house for a few brief moments. This will happen today at nightfall. John: And we care because? Cotton: A witch suspended beneath saturn as it stations direct, exalted in its own house, cannot lie. Reputable sources say it is why Odysseus himself dallied so long on Circe's Island. Rose: [Screams] Naughty lads. Cotton: We must haul her out into the woods... Rose: You need to be punished. Cotton: Bend her beneath saturn as it stations direct... And interrogate the witch. I've calculated the precise spot, but first we must secure her for travel. Rose: [Groaning] John: Why does my house smell like a pack of wild dogs pissed all over it? What is this? Cotton: Canis urinam... dog piss. John: [Groans] Cotton: Plus some medicinal plants. Hellebore, nightshade, bloodroot... in combination, the result is a powerful paralytic. Hold this. Hypodermic. Ingenious, eh? We live in remarkable times, Captain. New discoveries, new inventions every day. New wapon... To fight an old enemy. Rose: [Groans, grunts] Come on down, boys. The darkness is waiting for you. [Gasping] [Chuckles] [Laughs] Aww. [Laughs] [Groans] [Breathing heavily] [Growling] Cotton: We need to inject this mixture into her veins. Rose: [Groaning] [Laughs] Cotton: Get ready. Rose: Come closer. The darkness wants to taste you. [Growling] Aah! [Both grunting] Cotton: Hold her still! Jane: John! Son! [Gasps] Why are you doing this to me? [Crying] John: Mother? Jane: [Sobbing] It hurts so! [Laughs] Rose: She's in hell, Captain. She's the devil's favorite whore. She loves it there. John: [Grunting] Cotton: No, Captain, don't! It has to be precise! Rose: [Groaning] [Gasping] Cotton: That will do. ["Cupid Carries a Hun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ witch drums ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ the witch drums ♪ better pray for hell ♪ not hallelujah Mary: Afraid she'll steal the silver? Tituba: She is a dirty little creature. Mary: So was I when you first brought me here. Tituba: When are you going to kll her? Mary: Clean her up. Give her something to wear. And burn all her things. She won't be needing them anymore. [Bell ringing] [Indistinct conversations] Cotton: Truth be told, I long for a good look at her brain. John: Her brain? I can barely look at her face. Cotton: I believe that our abilities are regulated by our brains. I wonder if the devil has changed her somehow materially. Perhaps some region of her brain is abnormally enlarged. John: Or perhaps some region of yours. Cotton: Hurry, or we'll be dad before tomorrow. Mary: Observe, child, the quintessence of devoted marriage, how carefully I attend to my dear husband's toilet... George: [Whimpers] Mary: And how fearlessly he exposes his throat to my blade. Tituba: Come along, Miss Mercy. Mary: Leave her. Take him with you, Tituba. One's too few, and three's too many. Your eyes... so filled with want. The hard part's not getting what you want, child. The hard part's knowing what you want. Mercy: But I do. I do know what I want. Mary: Mm, of course ...To be just like me. Mercy: Someday. I hope I may be. Mary: Well, it's better to travel hopefully than to arrive. A story? Mercy: Why, yes, please. I haven't heard one in such a long time. Not since my mother died. Mary: No. Puritan fathers don't care much for stories. We women keep them alive. Yes. This one has all my favorites. You may borrow it, if you like. Mercy: [Sighs] No. Father says girls have no need to learn to read. He would read the only book worth reading and read it to me. And then, one day, he would find the right man to take over the job. God's will. Mary: Not my God. Mine likes us to read for ourselves. Perhaps I shall teach you to read someday. In the meantime, I'll tell you one... Mercy: [Chuckles] Mary: From memory... About... The queen of the night and how she became queen. Not all queens start as princesses. Mercy: Some begin in ashes. Mary: Indeed. Okay. Once upon a time, there lived a maiden, hair as black as night... [Chuckles] Skin as white as snow. And the maiden, she loved a handsome prince. And the prince loved her. Come. Mercy: Okay. Mary: But there was an evil king, and he sent the prince to his death. And the poor maiden, her heart turned gray as ash. One night, in her despair, a fairy came to her and promised her that all the world would be hers if she would but give up the last of her love for her dad prince. And though she wept to lose the only part of him that still lived deep inside her... She did as she was told... In the hopes that all her dreams might still come true. And so it came to pass that the ash maiden was brought to the king's castle. There, she met a servant who hurried her inside. And through the scullery door, she watched the lords and ladies of the land enjoy a sumptuous feast with the evil king and his queen. And at this feast, a dark prince slew the old queen with an invisible wave of his hand... [Silverware clatters] Mrs. Sibley: [Coughs] Mary: Clearing the way for the ash maiden herself to become queen. Mercy: And did she? Mary: Did she what? Mercy: Become queen? Mary: Yes. But you know the worst part about becoming queen? Mercy: What? Mary: It often requires marrying a king. And so the ash maiden married the evil king and became queen, her wedding night a consummation of joy and pleasure. George: [Grunting] Mary: But none of it hers. George: [Snoring] Mary: [Vomits] That night, she felt one monster on top of her and another inside. And she glimpsed what her soul was becoming and learned her first lesson as queen... be careful what you wish for. She served as the queen to the evil king. For two years that felt like 2,000. But when she could take no more, she begged the fairy to turn her back into the ash maiden. But the fairy refused and showed her all the kingdom that lay before her and said all this might still be hers. Rose: You know why the mathers and the sibleys and the aldens and the other founding families really picked this spot to be their new Jerusalem? This town will become one of the richest on earth. And who controls Salem controls the new world. Mary: The ash maiden understood there was no turning back. She would embrace her role as queen and all the power that came with it. That night, for the first time, she would use that power. And that night, the whole world began to turn upside-down. George: Stop your silly games, girl. Come here. [Laughs] Mary: For it was not by a kiss she might make a frog into a prince, but by a kiss she might make a king into a toad. Mary: Or even... George: [Sighs] Mary: I must bind you. [Chuckles] George: Oh. Mmm. [Sighs] Mary: [Laughs] Ah. Ah, but even bound... You are far too much man for me. George: [Chuckles] Mary: I need some help to handle you. George: [Sighs] Tituba: [Laughs] George: Yeah. Mmm. [Groans] Ah. No. Mary: Do you like games, George? George: Yeah. Yeah. Mary: You like games? George: Yes. [Sighs] [Breathing heavily] [Groaning] Mary: [Grunting] George: [Groaning, gurgling] Mary: Aah! George: [Muffled groaning] Mary: [Grunting] Aah! [Breathing heavily] [Muffled groaning stops] Mary and Tituba: [Breathing heavily] Mary: And so the queen came to rule the king and all his kingdom, and thus became the queen of the night. And so she lived happily ever after. [Birds chirping] Mercy: But how... how are we here? We're... In the woods. We were in your room. You locked the door. Mary: There are many doors to many places... For a witch. Mercy: I never said you were that. I-I'd never point my finger at you. I swear. I wouldn't. I-I won't. Mary: No. You most certainly won't. Petrus: Well done, my little hunter. Mmm. Enough of these, and I, too, will grow wings and fly South. Mercy: [Screams] [Gasping] Petrus: You only meet two kinds of creatures in the woods... the hunters and the hunted. Thank the moon we are what we are. At least for today. [Scream in distance] Cotton: The call of a great gray owl, Saturn's mascot. It's nearly time. Rose: [Groans] Cotton: A bit faster. It's nearly in position. We must be directly beneath Saturn. John: Then what? Cotton: Then we get the one chance, a moment to ask our questions and receive the answers. Then we must kll her before the paralytic wears off. John: Or she kills us. Cotton: That would be the most likely outcome. I presume your flintlock will do the trick. John: Unless it doesn't. A gn puts all your faith in the wapon, not the hand. It either fires, or it don't. 8 out of 10 times, it works. But I don't think we can afford that gamble. Cotton: Then how about a sword? John: You surprise me, Mather. Cotton: [Chuckles] I fenced a little at school. John: Any good? Cotton: The most fearsome in all the divinity class. John: [Sighs] Well... This just may do. I should get it. Tituba: What is it? Mr. Hale: The samhain is missing. Tituba: What? Anne: Why would father be meeting with Mrs. Sibley's servants? Mrs. Hale: The good lord knows. More "busy-ness," I'm sure. [Chuckles] I swear I don't know what this world comes to. Everyone is all too obsessed with their "busy-ness." Anne: It's the future, mother. Bringing goods from far away, taking them on still further, it opens new worlds. And it's "business," mother, not "busy-ness." Mrs. Hale: [Laughs] It's all "busy-ness" to me. Mercy: [Panting] [Screams] [Panting] [Insects chirping] Aah! [Panting] [Whimpering, gasping] [Screams] [Whimpering] [Birds screeching] [Whimpering] Mary: Now tell him. Say it... this is what you want. Mercy: Yes! Yes! Yes! Mary: All the world shall be yours. John: [Grunting] Cotton: We're nearly in position... just past the crag. [Bird screeches] John: [Grunting] Cotton: This is it. We do it here. John: Here? I guess I should be grateful you brought me to the second most unpleasant place I've ever seen. Great place to interrogate a prisoner, Mather. Cotton: It's not I who pick. The old bastard Saturn himself, he's right overhead. We must raise her here and now. Suspend her from that tree directly beneath the sky and let the planet loosen her tongue. John: [Grunts] Cotton: How is our Miss Rose holding up? John: Hasn't blinked an eye. Cotton: Good. That's good. Hurry. Just a minute to go. John: [Breathing heavily] Rose: Aah! John: Ohh! [Grunts] Cotton: The paralytic is wearing off! [Both grunting] John: Okay. All right. Rose: [Groaning] [Growls] Cotton: We're losing the moment! Rose: [Grunts] John: Pull! [Rope creaks] There. That should hold it. Rose: [Grunting] Cotton: Just a half moment more, and then she must speak! Rose: [Laughs] Thank you, sir. May I have some more? Cotton: God. Rose: Again. Do it again. [Laughs] The darkness is going to eat you little men. Cotton: For the love of Christ. Rose: [Laughs] Bring 'round your two whores. Oh, we will have a party. Gloriana and Mary Sibley. You ran away from big, bad George Sibley, afraid of what he might do. Poor Mary had nowhere to run. She faced down the puritans with the only thing that she had... that bottomless pit between her thighs. And where were you, Captain Alden?! Cotton: Alden, wait! John: [Grunts] Cotton: Wait! Rose: [Screeches] [Groaning] Cotton: Yes! Speak, damn you! Saturn compels you to the truth! [Bird screeches] Rose: [Raspy voice] What would you know? Cotton: Everything. Petrus: South, my friends. Someday soon, we will fly South. No puritans there and no snow. Like a flea in a blanket we will be... Warm. Tituba: You will go someplace far warmer than that if you don't remember who's in charge, cunning man. Petrus: Almost as quiet in her movements as the mistress herself. Tituba: I taught Mary Sibley everything she knows. Petrus: And how often it is that apprentice surpasses master. Tituba: Silence! The samhain is missing. She's not in Salem. She must be in these woods... your woods. Petrus: We have not seen her. We did see a witch in the woods tonight, but not Miss Rose. Your mistress, the one you taught everything, including, apparently, how to make her own doors. Tituba: Take care, cunning little man. It's a dangerous world. Remember whose side you're on. Cotton: What is the grand rite? Rose: [Raspy voice] Death. Cotton: For who? Rose: For you and all like you. John: Why? Rose: For all you've done and to stop all you will do. Cotton: How? Rose: Cruor innocentia. Sacrifices consecrate the land to our lord. Cotton: Cruor innocentia. "Innocent blood." Sacrifices. Then you have not yet gn. Rose: We have gn. Innocent blood flows. Cotton: There have been no unexplained deaths, no missing children. You can have committed no sacrifices. Rose: It's not a sacrifice unless it hurts. Are you hurting, Mather? John: What is she saying? Cotton: What do you mean? What do you mean? Rose: [Groans] [Ropes creaking] John: Cotton, we have to kll her. Cotton: No. You tell me what you mean! Rose: [Gurgling] [Laughs] [Normal voice] You think you can dangle me like a puppet? You're the puppets, all of you... puppets! [Spits] [Both grunt] [Deep voice] Neopheyn! Barbas! Aligon! Anaboth! John: [Grunts] Rose: Madicon! Furcas! [Groaning] Cotton: Her spell has raised the dad! John: [Grunting] [Corpses groaning] Rose: [Groaning, gurgling] [Sighs deeply] Mary: So, I have found you. [Chuckles] I owe you so much. I remember all you taught me... how to think like a puritan, to see through their greedy eyes... these woods were really mighty ships and houses in the making... and how, one day, we would use their unquenchable desire to seize control. Rose: All goes exactly as planned. Mary: And yet, you brought the malum to Salem without my knowledge. Why, Rose? Rose: John Alden. Mary: He is just a man. I am no mere girl to fall to pieces for a man. Rose: True malice, like that which powers the grand rite, ferments best in a loveless heart. I have looked into your heart, and it is anything but loveless. You still love John Alden. I couldn't take the chance. There is no part of all this, from your broken heart to the grand rite itself, that I have not planned. I put the very thought in George Sibley's head that he ought to to send John Alden away. Mary: It was you. Rose: Not a step have I not foreseen, right down to your bringing the girl here to the woods to kll her. Mary: And you. How came you to be here? Rose: Ah, I allowed myself to be captured and interrogated by them. Mary: [Chuckles] Oh, really? Rose: Mm-hmm. Mary: Why? Rose: To find out, once and for all, what is in John Alden's heart. You should be flattered. All you've become... the poor fool, he still loves you and always will. But I need your heart. I need it broken. And nothing breaks the heart like death. Cotton: [Screaming] [Corpses groaning] John: [Grunting] Cotton: [Screaming] [gn] Rose: I merely saved Salem the cost and your Isaac the trouble of transporting their bodies to the crag. Mary: Have you met our newest sister? Rose: [Gasps] [Head thuds] [Corpses groan] [groans] Cotton: What? John: I thought you said Saturn would compel her to speak the truth. Cotton: It did. John: What truth? I heard only riddles. Cotton: Sometimes, the truth is a riddle. John: And the answer? Cotton: I don't know. I must think and then think again. In the meantime, that... Creature is still out here. John: I spent most nights for many a year alone in the woods knowing there was someone ready to slit my throat in every shadow, behind every tree, but you still got to sleep. [Sighs] Besides, she won't show her face again in Salem. She knows she wouldn't even rate a trial. Straight to the noose, straight to hell. Cotton: I admire your sangfroid. French for "cold blood." It's a compliment. John: Thanks. I admire your... [Sighs] Hey, don't hurry me. I'll think of something. Well, you came into these woods a bookworm. You're walking out a hunter. Cotton: A hunter without a catch. John: Ah, yeah, but that's good... a hungry hunter. That's the most dangerous kind. Cotton: [Sighs] [Hoof beats] [Horse neighs] Mary: Captain Alden. Reverend Mather. John: Evening, Mrs. Sibley. You're out late. Mary: I'm often sleepless. And I find the... Night air calms me. And you two? John: [Clears throat] Cotton: We were just... Tracking the retrograde movement of Saturn. Mary: Taken up astrology, Captain? John: You know what they say. The fault's not in us but the stars. Mary: I think you may have that the wrong way around. Cotton: Good night to you both. Mary: I would ask what really happened to you tonight. John: But? Mary: You'd never tell me. I know you. John: Walk you home? Tituba: Met the dark man, did you? One of us now, are you? There are plenty of tools in the shed out back... pickaxe, auger, drawknife... and you are somewhere on that list, missy, somewhere between a hammer and a saw. The lady of the house is mine, my lady. Now, you best not forget that. Mary: I see I got here in time before you could drown the poor girl. Tituba: Or dunk her as a witch. Mary: Tituba. Is that any way to talk about your new little sister? Tituba: You couldn't do it, could you? You looked into those big eyes, and you lost your resolve. Mary: I looked into those eyes, and I saw myself staring back. And then I knew. There was another way. She cannot point at me and say "witch" when she's one herself. I'll finish here. You know, Mercy, this once lived in the sea, as did we. Men think of themselves as rock, hard as stone. So they are. Hard, brittle, easily broken. Women know that we are mostly water. Sea around us... Sea inside us. When I hurt, I remember that. I remember what water is, what it does. It flows. It changes. It endures far longer than the rock. Mercy: [Crying] Mary: Oh, I know you went through hell this night, as I once did. Mercy: [Sobbing] Mary: Mercy... You will never face hell again... Alone. [Footsteps] [Door closes] [Door creaks] Anne: Father? [Gasps] Aah! Mrs. Hale: Come, child. It's time we talked about your father.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x06 - The Red Rose And The Briar"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... George: Fornicator! Isaac: [Screams] Mr. Hale: He searches. Captain: So where is the witch? Increase: Right here. Captain: Aaah! Mr. Hale: If he cannot be stopped, well, then it's an entirely new game, isn't it? Mrs. Hale: Everything your father does, he does for you. Anne: [Gasps] Cotton: I no longer want to be your customer. True love cannot be bought or sold. John: Let's just live. Rose: You still love John Alden. The grand rite ferments best in a loveless heart. Mary: He serves at my behest. He won't come out for you. Cotton: Father. Mary: My dear Increase. How long may we enjoy your presence in town? Increase: Until every last Devil's whore of a witch in Salem is dad. [Dog barking] Depravity. Can there be a more apt word to describe the current state of your fair city? Drink, perversity, abominations of each and every variety offered and received. And even as we cater to our inner demons, we have allowed actual demons to flourish! Witches! Mr. Hale: He was not supposed to be here. Increase: Living vessels of godlessness. Mr. Hale: So why is he? Increase: The serpent from eden... Mary: He came to see what his son had accomplished. Increase: You have listened and... Mr. Hale: And why is he staying? Mary: He saw what his son had accomplished. Increase: There are witches hidden amongst us, and you people of Salem, seduced by drink and by flesh, are happily blinded to it. Standing before you, with the certainty of the rising sun, I assure you this will change. Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Reverend, your words are inspiration. England's loss is our gain. Increase: I trust your husband's condition is improving. Mary: Sadly, no. Increase: Well, please tell George I shall visit him again at once. Perhaps my presence may be of some comfort to him. Mary: Oh, how could it not? Both: [Moaning] Cotton: [Breathing heavily] Gloriana: [Chuckles] [Both laugh] Cotton: I have no words. Gloriana: [Chuckles] Cotton: Like a man who's seen the face of God. [Both laugh] Only an awed silence is the appropriate response. Gloriana: [Laughing] Your father. Cotton: And like that, the mood is ruined. Gloriana: No, your... your father. He's... he's in the common. Cotton: With a crowd, no doubt, hanging on his every word. Gloriana: With a crowd, yes, but he's not speaking. Cotton: Well, then you must have him confused with someone else. Gloriana: [Giggles] He's walking this way. Cotton: And by "this way," you mean... Woman: [Gasps] Cotton: He cannot find me here. Increase: And where better to begin our cleansing of Salem than in its most vile den? Cotton: The back stairs. Gloriana: No, no, no, no, y-you'll cross the landing. Cotton: Gloriana, my father does not understand me. He never has. If he discovers me... Gloriana: Under the bed now. Cotton: What?! Gloriana: Under the bed now! Cotton: Where's my Bible? Gloriana: I-I-I don't see it! Oh. [Clears throat] Reverend Mather. Increase: You know me? Gloriana: Is there anyone in the province who doesn't? Increase: You are alone? Gloriana: No. I'm here with my lord. His words, anyway. [Chuckles] They offer great comfort in these perilous times... Even for a woman like me. Increase: Do you not sense it? The commingling of sin and sorcery? Take a breath. [Breathes deeply] You can almost taste it... Satan's toxic nectar, designed to divert and disarm. Ah. The proprietress of this charming establishment. Mab: What'll it be today, Reverend? Thin and pliant, or thick and playful? Increase: Mind your betters, madam. Mab: I run an honest house. You'll find nothing here. Increase: I have made my name finding things where there is nothing to be found. Orris root? Mab: Strangers tramp in and out of here every day. I do not know what substances they carry. Increase: Hmm. Casting stones. Selectmen of Salem... We've uncovered a witch. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Mr. Hale: One of ours. Exactly what we feared the minute he stepped off that ship. Now, well, you know what this means. Mary: Just because I don't share your panic doesn't mean I don't grasp the stakes. Mr. Hale: He will press her for names, and whose will be she tempted to provide? Tituba: She was careless, leaving objects of her craft so close at hand. Mr. Hale: And for that carelessness, we may all burn, to say nothing of what will become of our grand rite. Mary: Your hysteria offers no solutions. Mab simply needs to be reminded what is expected of her. Tituba: Her silence. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] You're right. I shall pay her a visit at once. Tituba: You're worried. [Door opens] Mary: He is formidable, the senior Mather, part bully, part bloodhound. Tituba: Mab has been loyal to the hive throughout. Mary: It is not Mab that worries me. Increase promises to pay another visit. How long before he realizes that George is not sick, but spelled? And at whose hands? Mine. Tituba: Then prevent this. Mary: Yes. Increase may visit at his pleasure, for what loving wife would leave her ailing husband at home when his condition demands attention at once? [Indistinct conversations] John: You're drinking early today. Cotton: If you knew my father, you'd commend me for waiting this long. John: You know, the way you speak of him, you make him sound... Cotton: Inhuman? John: Yes. Cotton: Good. Then I have painted an accurate picture. [Door opens] Don't believe me? See for yourself. [Sighs] Increase: Cotton, I've been in search of you all morning. I supposed I should have realized you would be somewhere where whiskey is served. Cotton: Father, this is John... Increase: John Alden. Your father and I were classmates at university. John: Yes, I know. Increase: An honor, Captain. Truly, I can have no greater respect than for a man who has risked his life in battle. Sadly, not all young men possess the same mettle. Cotton: What brings you, father? Increase: Well, I am shocked to discover the extent of the depravity and immorality in Salem. The people need a reminder of the wages of their sin. Cotton: And so they will get one. Increase: Mm-hmm. - Cotton: In Sunday's sermon. Increase: No. No. They need to hear your voice now. A public recitation on the commons, illustrated by the face of sin. Cotton: The face of sin? And who is that? Increase: And Cotton? Your Bible. [Indistinct conversations] Mary: The hospital in Boston awaits him. It is my only hope to find a cure for his worsening condition. [Horse snorts] [Horse whinnies] And, Isaac, your feelings towards my husband for what he once did... They're understandable, but to help him in his hour of need shows me the true measure of you... For which I am forever grateful. [Horse whinnies] Isaac: We will be in Boston by daybreak. [Clicks tongue] [Hooves clopping] Mr. Hale: A moment with the accused? Sentry: Yes, magistrate. [Door creaks] [Indistinct conversations] Mr. Hale: [Sighs] Mab: You've come here to kll me. Mr. Hale: It would be within my right to do so. The code of the hive is clear. But, no, we have agreed to spare you. I would allow nothing else. Still... to the issue at hand. He will interrogate you. Mab: And I will give him nothing. I will swallow the blackened pill before I betray the cause. Mr. Hale: That will be your intent, yes, until he tortures you and then, hearing your cries of pain, tortures you some more, at which point you will beg for him to allow you to offer a name, even if only to release yourself from the agony. When that happens... And it will happen... I have just the distraction for you to provide. Anne: Where do you go at night, father? Mr. Hale: Anne. Awake at this hour? Anne: Mother says I shouldn't ask such questions, that I should simply be grateful for the sacrifices you make on our behalf. Mr. Hale: Nonsense. Ask whatever you like. Tonight I was preoccupied with business of the town. Anne: And do you believe she is a witch? Mr. Hale: Who? Anne: The woman you sought out at the jail. Mr. Hale: You followed me? Anne: I simply wanted to know what those sacrifices were and why they seem to be so often made in secret. Mr. Hale: First you snoop about in my room, unearthing my belongings, and now... [Sighs] No. Anne: No? What? Mr. Hale: No, I do not believe she is a witch. She is but a sad, lonely woman. Anne: I am glad to hear there is some common sense left in Salem. Good night, father. Mr. Hale: Good night, dear. Mab: [Muffled screaming] [Spectators murmuring] [Screaming, gasping] Please! I am innocent! Increase: You have pled guilty to the practice of witchcraft. But such a plea is not sufficient to spare your life. I want names of others. Mab: I know of no others. Increase: Again. Mab: No! I swear I'm innocent! [Muffled screaming] John: He's insane. Cotton: On a good day. Mab: Aah! [Gasping] Increase: Only the name of a fellow witch will spare your life. Mab: I know of no others. Increase: I will ask again, but first a caution. The next time, the saltwater that filled your mouth only will travel down your throat into your lungs. And then the taste you struggle to discern will not be of water, nor of air, but of death. A name. [Wood creaking] Mab: Wait! Increase: And I wait only for the name of a fellow witch. Mab: And I will give it to you. Her! Gloriana! [Spectators murmuring] Cotton: No. No. No. No! This is a mistake. No, father, this is a mistake. Miss embry is no witch. Increase: You are here to observe, not to interfere. Cotton: Listen to me, father. This is what I have tried to tell you, and now I see it to be true... That we have been wrong. Increase: Cotton. Cotton: That in our zeal to rid Satan from our midst, we are instead klling innocents. Increase: Do not presume to instruct me. Cotton: We are doing the Devil's work for him! Increase: And my life's work is a mistake? Cotton: Respectfully... yes. Increase: Stand aside. Cotton: Please, father, I beg you... spare her. Increase: Get out of my way. Cotton: Listen to me! Increase: I have. And I will no longer let you act the fool. Cotton: You are sure it is I who acts the fool? [Spectators murmuring] Gloriana: Cotton. Increase: Take her to the cage. Gloriana: Cotton. Cotton! Cotton: No. [Panting] Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton! George: [Gagging] Isaac: Oh, Lord. What is it, Mr. Sibley? George: [Groaning] Isaac: Try to breathe, Mr. Sibley. That's it. George: [Groaning] Isaac: Slow breath, Mr. Sibley. That's right. [Exhales heavily] That's it, nice and easy. No! [Birds chirping] George: [Groaning] [Frog squeaking] [Bell chiming] Cotton: Father! Father, you have no evidence. Increase: Nonsense. I have the word of an admitted witch. Cotton: A woman who practices the Devil's craft? You trust her to finger others? Increase: Tell me... Do all accusations stir such passions in you? Or is there something unique about the whore's case? Cotton: I know these people. I have lived among them. Miss embry is no tool of Satan. Increase: And if she were to be examined for the Devil's marks? Cotton: An examination? I'm confident... No, I am certain... That you would find nothing. In fact, yes, I would encourage you to settle the issue and conduct the exam at once. Increase: Me? No. No, I will leave that to you. [Rooster crows] You will examine the accused. [Door opens, closes] Mary: Captain. No. John! John: That wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Mary: Nor the greeting I was. The other night... What we said... what we did. John: What, do you regret it? Mary: No. My only regret is that it can never happen again. I'm a married woman, John. John: With a very sick husband. Mary: Mr. Sibley would never do me the favor of dying. We both know that. John: He was taken to hospital. Mary: From where he will surely return... As alive and married as ever. John: Is that the reason? Sibley? Nothing else? Not a fear? Or a secret that you think I couldn't accept? Because there is no one in Salem unburdened by their past... Not even me. Mary: I'm sorry, John. I hope you can understand. Cotton: Father, please. Increase: Proceed. Gloriana: [Gasps] Cotton: No marks. Increase: Turn her. Cotton: Nothing. Increase: Raise her smock. Still nothing. Increase: The upper torso. Gloriana: [Gasps] Cotton: [Sighs] Father... Increase: The upper torso. Wait. Gloriana: [Sniffs] Cotton: So, you see, as I assured you, she bears no signs of a Devil's agent, no blemishes, no witches' teats. Increase: All of which I will be sure to mention at her trial. Cotton: Her trial? But I have proven to you she is without marks. Increase: Have you forgotten? We are not judges. We are simply seekers of the truth. The power of verdict rests with the selectmen. Cotton: This is Salem. You know how they will vote. Increase: Well, then you save your rage and your impudence for them. [Silverware clinking] Anne: Another woman was accused today... as you saw. It's madness, this witch panic. Mr. Hale: Yes, it is regrettable. Anne: Regrettable? Mr. Hale: What would you have me do? Anne: You could speak out, rail against it. You have any number of options beyond nothing. Mr. Hale: I am one man. Perhaps you expect too much of me. Anne: Perhaps you are content with too little. Mrs. Hale: Hold your tongue, child. Anne: [Sighs] I just don't understand why he's so content to see people hang... Almost as if he secretly likes it. Mr. Hale: I don't appreciate the insinuation. Anne: What insinuation is that? Mr. Hale: That I was somehow in league with the mrder puritans. Anne: Oh, no, that was not my insinuation at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Mr. Hale: And what might that be? Anne: You know, I'm... I'm suddenly very tired. Mr. Hale: What are you accusing me of? Anne: I think I should lie down. Mr. Hale: Anne, do not walk away until you have explained yourself. Anne! [Indistinct conversations] John: May I ask you a question? Why does he hate you? Cotton: Two reasons only... For what I am... And what I am not. John: And you've appealed to him on the girl's behalf? Cotton: Repeatedly. He does not regard me. Truth told, he does not regard anyone except... For you, John. John: Cotton, no. Cotton: You are everything he ever wished me to be. You are a hero in wr. You are a man without weakness or frailty. John: Cotton, I'm sorry. Begging another puritan asshle to do the right thing? Since when has it worked? And why would it work now? Cotton: You're right. No man should be forced to humble himself before my father. I have been in Salem for months. I have made allies and enemies in scores. But the closest thing that I have come to a friend... Is you. So I ask you... I beg you... To appeal to my father, if there is some small part of you that can call me a friend, too. Isaac: [Breathing heavily] [Birds chirping] Mr. Sibley? Mr. Sibley?! Mr. Sibley?! Mr. Sibley. George: Help me, Isaac. [Groans] Isaac: You can speak. George: The Lord's miraculous workings. Isaac: You're leaking blood. George: Which is why I need your help. [Groaning] Go to Salem. Return with supplies and one to administer them. Isaac: Help you? George: Yes. Isaac: Do you remember the day you marked me? The day you seared my flesh with the sign of the fornicator? You remember that? George: And I would imagine that not a moment has since passed that you didn't wish me dad. And now your chance, without even raising a hand. Walk away, and I will surely die here. [Groaning] Isaac: Why shouldn't I? George: Because while you desired revenge [groans] I bore regret for what I did. Isaac: Words. George: Then help me, and I will shower you not with words, but gold, more than you've ever hoped to possess. [Groans] Isaac: Gold? To return with... with medicines and Mrs. Sibley? George: No. [Groans] Not her. Increase. Isaac: Increase? George: Tell my wife nothing. Bring me Increase Mather at once. Go now, boy! Run! Run! Run! [Groaning] [Pen scratching] [Knock on door] Increase: Yes? John: Reverend. Increase: The answer is no. John: I didn't ask a question. Increase: You're here to beg for the whore's life, are you not? Dispatched by my besotted son, no doubt. John: Yes. Increase: Well, let me save you the trouble, Captain Alden. The decision has been made to take her to trial. But rest assured I will be sure to tell Cotton that your pleas were most heartfelt. John: Sir... Gloriana is no witch. Increase: No. But I think you will agree she has bewitched my son. John: You know, my father held you in high regard, Reverend. Increase: Alden sr. Was a good man. He viewed the world with uncommon reason. John: Yeah, well, except when it came to his own son. Increase: [Sighs] John: He wanted me to study scripture, and I chose to explore the woods. He wanted me to attend university, and I volunteered for wr. He went to his grave thinking my life's choices mistakes. Increase: And yet he allowed you to make them. John: Well, that's because he knew the difference. Increase: Between? John: Between loving his son's choices and loving his son. Increase: [Sighs] [Door closes] [Footsteps departing] [Dog barking] [Indistinct conversations] Isaac: [Panting] Captain Alden. John: Isaac, what is it? Isaac: Not here. John: George Sibley can speak? Isaac: As clearly as you or I. John: And wounded, he doesn't request his wife, but asks for... Isaac: Increase Mather. [Panting] I trust him no more than a thief. But to disobey a man of his standing? [Chuckles] John: Then do nothing. Isaac: Captain? John: You sought my advice, so I offer it. Do nothing. Isaac: But to leave him any longer than I have in the woods, bleeding... John: He will die. Isaac: Yes. John: Does he deserve anything less? The man who marked your flesh... Drove me to wr... And has ruled over Salem like a power-mad king? And now, what, he begs for compassion? [Scoffs] Cooperation? What? Isaac: [Sighs] I know you love her, Captain. But to leave him to die is mrder. John: Do... nothing. Gloriana: No. Where are you taking me? Tell me! Where are you taking me?! Increase: Good people of Salem, it has come to my attention that the accusation leveled today was a trick of the witches... An infernal ploy to delude and distract from the truly guilty. This woman is no sorceress. And therefore she will not go to trial. [Spectators murmuring] But what her advocates fail to grasp is that absence of guilt does not mean innocence... For this whore is no innocent... Far from it. She is guilty of sin, sins of the flesh, sins against God, sins both mortal and eternal, and as such, she warrants no place in Salem. Cotton: No. Increase: And so, by my decree, she is hereby banished from our midst, her expulsion immediate and beyond dispute. Increase: And should she... Look at me... Ever return at any time, for any reason, you will find yourself once again beside me on the common, your lifeless body dangling from the wrong end of the hangman's noose. Take her. Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton: Gloriana! Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton! Cotton! Cotton! Cotton: Gloriana! Man: Stand back. Stay back. Gloriana: [Crying] Cotton: No! Gloriana! [Hooves clopping] I'm sorry. Gloriana: [Crying] Increase: Take her as far as your steeds will travel. And let it be known neither sin nor sinner have any place in Salem. [Frog squeaking] Mary: George. I don't know how or by whom, but the familiar has been excised from him. He could be anywhere right now, talking to anyone. All that we've worked for, all that I've sacrificed, incinerated in an instant. Tituba: Calm yourself and help me. Mary: Mutare, et notum sumbotis. Tituba: Forma enim esse ostendit. Corpus, anima, mens. Lead me to the one I seek. [Owl screeches] The creature will lead me to him. With luck, I will find him quickly. Mary: And without it, we shall all burn. Increase: You take issue with my methods. I understand. What you need to understand is that everything I have done has been to make you worthy of the Mather name. Cotton: I loved her. Increase: Do not say that. Cotton: My silence does not make it untrue. Increase: One day, when you are governor of this great land, a man of power and a model of virtue, respected and feared in equal measure, you will trace it back to this day... Cotton: [Sighs] Increase: The day I removed temptation from your path. [Door closes] You there. Woman: Yes? Increase: Bring me some black tea, very strong, if you please. Woman: Mm-hmm. Increase: Are you not the young man who transported Mr. Sibley to Boston yesterday? Isaac: Isaac, sir. Increase: Isaac. Isaac: Mm. Increase: Boston and back? [Chuckles] Record time. You must be quite the horseman, Isaac. Isaac: No, I-I wouldn't say that. Increase: Well, tell me. Did the physician offer any insight into the patient's condition? Isaac: Physician? Increase: A diagnosis? Or a prognosis? Isaac: Um... No, I can't... Increase: Well, you did take Mr. Sibley to the hospital, did you not? What is it you are not saying? Isaac... look at me. Tell me the truth about your journey. The injured is due South, inland, on the wooded path to Boston. Hyah! Man: Clear the way. [Owl screeching] Mab: [Gulps] [Groaning] [Horse neighing] [Footsteps approach] George: Who's there? Show yourself. Who are you? Petrus: The name is Petrus. Not an hour ago, I spied you sleeping, and, seeing your grave wound, I have returned with medicinals. George: Stop. Not one step closer. [Groans] Petrus: But, sir, an infection has already taken root. George: Do not worry yourself. Aid is on the way. [Groaning] Petrus: But you are in pain, are you not? I have concocted a simple physic to ease your suffering. No creature, man or animal, should suffer as you do, sir. George: [Groans] Petrus: Please. [Gulps] [Coughing] What have you given me? [Gagging] Petrus: I am truly sorry, sir. She made me. Tituba: We will take him to your shack until the thrat has passed. Did you really think it would be so easy to escape us, Mr. Sibley? Increase: There, up ahead! George? George? You're the servant? Tituba: Yes, sir, sent by Mrs. Sibley to retrieve her ailing husband. Increase: This is worse than I had feared. Tituba: Which is why he needs to be taken to hospital at once. Increase: No. It is not the injury that troubles me, but how he came by it. He sought to free himself from the witches' grip. Tituba: I do not understand. Increase: The man is not ill. He has been spelled. Might you know something about that? [Bell chiming] [Indistinct conversations] John: Miss Hale. Anne: Do you remember that afternoon in the graveyard, when you implied my father is not who he seems? John: Yes. Anne: Invite me inside, and I'll tell you why I agree. Mary: Tell me... where is Mr. Sibley? Tituba: We have a problem. Mary: That was not my question. Either you know where he is, or you don't. Tituba: I do know where he is, and that is the problem. The Reverend has deemed him a victim of witchcraft and has decided that George is to rest under his care. Increase: Quickly now. Make haste. Mary: My God. Tituba: Petrus' physic will last but a day. Increase: There. There. Tituba: And then Mr. Sibley will awake, lucid and eager. Mary: To tell Increase everything.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x08 - Departures"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mercy: Witch! Emily: No woman in Salem has ever had that kind of power. Dollie: Not even Mary Sibley. Tituba: The lady of the house is mine. Increase: We've uncovered a witch. Mary: How long may we enjoy your curative presence in town? Increase: Until every last Devil's whore of a witch in Salem is dad. Tituba: Petrus' physic will last but a day, and then Mr. Sibley will awake, lucid and eager. Mary: To tell Increase everything. [Rooster crows] [Thud] Henry: [Gasps] Increase: Choose one. Drink. Drink and... Enjoy. Only mere mortals are vulnerable to man-made spirits. As a man, you are an abomination, but you are no witch. Now begone with you and your... Pitiful weakness. Time to wake, my good madam. [Clanks] Let them no more say, "God must do all," and so encourage themselves to live in a careless neglect of God and of their own souls and salvation! The Devil has made a dreadful knot of witches in the country, and, by the help of witches, has dreadfully Increased that knot. Oh, children, children, be afraid and go not prayerless to your bed lest the Devil be your bedfellow. [Rope creaks] [All gasp] ["Cupid carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Mary: Good morning, Reverend. Increase: Ah. Mrs. Sibley. [Chuckles] Join me. Mary: There are no words to encompass my overwhelming gratitude at your reclamation of my husband. When I think what might have transpired had you not been there Increase: Indeed? Exactly what might have transpired? Mary: Excuse me? Increase: Well... Would not your slve girl simply have taken him on to hospital? Mary: Yes. Increase: Yes, it was you who sent her to his rescue, was it not? Mary: Once I'd heard of the accident. Increase: Ah. I am perplexed, though. Tell me, why was George scurried off with such haste and secrecy? Mary: He goes often to Boston. His illness... Increase: He's not ill. He's spelled. Mary: No. That's impossible. Increase: Consider... has not George suffered this mysterious malady without explication for several years now, and have not the doctors expressed utter befuddlement as to its cause? Mary: Yes, but... Increase: Yes. In such cases, the answer is oft the simplest one. George is not ill. He is under the influence of the Devil's darkest tool... a witch's spell. And it is quite likely that this speller resides close at hearth. Mary: No. Increase: Perhaps even in the hallowed halls of your own home. Mary: Say it. Increase: Say what? Mary: The accusation. It dances on your tongue. Increase: Well, I assure you, you are mistaken. Hm. Mary: Then I wish to bring my husband home immediately. Increase: I think not, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: You would deny me that right? Increase: I must deny you that right until we can discover the origin of the spell. Hmm? Mary: Then I would ask, or, rather, insist, that someone attend to Mr. Sibley. Someone who has experience with his travails. Increase: What about that young man... the one who was to take him to Boston, huh? Mary: Isaac? Increase: Ah. Mary: Isaac will do. He sleeps still? Increase: Under the care of sentries. Oh, and, Mary. Be of good heart. Mr. lamb, the barkeep, tells me that he may wake at any moment. John: Cotton. Cotton. Cotton: [Sighs] No difference between me and those that already rest. Besides a still-beating heart in a shell where my soul no longer resides. John: Oh, boy. [Sighs] Anne: Good morning, Reverend. I Wonder... what would it take to get you to your feet? Cotton: Why would you wish to? Anne: I fear I may have... Judged you too harshly, Reverend Mather. It is only now, when leaving my childhood behind, that I realize we are, past and forever, our fathers' children. And we can no more control who they be and how they came to form us then we can the rise and setting of the sun. I am sorry about your girl. Cotton: Thank you. Anne: May we see you home? John: Come on. Anne: Once he's settled, captain, may I ask a favor of you? John: Surely. Mary: "I think not, Mrs. Sibley." [Scoffs] As if he were socrates and I, a student at his knee. Mercy: Let me kll him, please. Mary: No. Mercy: Let me ease this burden for you, as I've done the others. Mary: Increase Mather is known throughout the world, new and old. His disappearance or death will not be taken lightly. His head will sit on no man's platter. Mercy: He's no match for you, certainly. Mary: That is where you are wrong, child. This is our truest test To battle equals. Rev. Lewis: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Reverend. Rev. Lewis: Mercy. Mercy: Father. Rev. Lewis: I wonder if I might have a private word with my daughter. Mary: I think not, Reverend. Mercy: I... -Mary: Fetch me Isaac. Now. Rev. Lewis: I am, um... Astounded at the charity you've shown my child, but if I wish to see her, is that not a father's right? Mary: Why, in particular, do you wish to see her, Reverend? Were you perhaps considering another exorcism? Do your days grow dull, lacking a child to bat and trture and the nights far too lonely with no daughter to visit? Rev. Lewis: I would never... Mary: Mercy is mine. Return here again and these accusations will be made public. Tituba: What of master Sibley? Has he woken? The elders will wait no longer. They require an audience with you today. Mary: [Screaming] Tituba: Has he woken? Mary: Any moment now. Isaac: It were an accident, ma'am. A wayward timber in the path, and we found ourselves at sixes and sevens. Mary: It's okay, Isaac. I know you've done your best. Isaac: The Reverend summons me now, heaven knows why, but I fear each second he's made to wait... Mary: He will ask you to watch over Mr. Sibley. Isaac: He will? Mary: At my grave insistence, since he refuses my desire to bring my husband home to proper care. Isaac: He refuses you? Mary: Salem reels out of control like an unwieldy spin top at the whim of Increase Mather. A tonic... the pain and ease of sleep. Isaac, I beseech you, in this most private and important matter, do my bidding where I cannot. Isaac: Oh, uh... Mary: Dose him immediately and keep him so. George should not be made to suffer for Mather senior's unfounded suspicions. Isaac: H-he shall not. Mary: And Isaac... Between us. Like so many of Salem's secrets. Isaac: Between us. George: [Snores] Increase: Are you aware, son? Your story is known far and wide throughout the land. Isaac the fornicator. No, no, no. Do not bow your head in shame. Head up. Get your head up. Head up. Head up. The story of Isaac the fornicator is a holy one. It is used as a living precedent by we puritans to illustrate to the children the evils of lust. No, no. Your sin and your suffering... it has been transformed into a great and a holy blessing. For, my son... You felt the hand of God. He's touched you. He's working through you. He's chosen you. No. How many can say that they have been chosen by God? Isaac: Chosen for what? Increase: Son, have you ever imagined a world beyond Salem? Hmm? Isaac: I... Increase: Get your head up, your head up, your head up, your head up. Isaac: I have a good life here, sir. Increase: Yes, performing meager errands for Mrs. Sibley. Isaac: She's been good to me. Always. Increase: Her charity binds you to her bidding. [Clicks tongue] No. No, no, no, Isaac. Out there. Out there, boy! There's a vast world out there, full of... full of opportunities, and if you... if you would walk the straight road in the sunlight with your head up, I would take you with me to see it. I would. Would you like that? Isaac: What would I have to do? Increase: Well... You will have to... have to tend to Mr. Sibley there. You'll have to... George: [Snores] Increase: Make certain that he is fresh and tidy, and that is no easy task, hmm? [Chuckles] Most importantly, you must alert me the moment that he wakes. Yes. Can you do that, hmm? Isaac: Do you mind me asking, sir, what these are for? Increase: Protection for Mr. Sibley against... Outer forces. It's cremated ash... Isaac: [Chuckles] Increase: Of a 200-year-old witch. And, Isaac... I brned her myself. Anne: So, the roof needs patching there and there, a fresh coat of paint wouldn't hurt, nor would four or five more beds for the smaller children, and... I'm overwhelming you. John: No, no. I'm eager to put my energies to good. Anne: Exactly. The children are frightened, Captain. Another hung today and not an inkling who's to be next. They're unsure who to fear more... witches or those who pursue them. John: Well, who can blame them? He doesn't play with the others. The dark-haired boy. Anne: He's been here two years. His parents were mrder by Indians. They say he saw. No one knows how he survived. John: Has anyone asked? Anne: He doesn't talk. At least, not anymore. Not since... Then. John: Excuse me. Do you know anything about patching a roof? Mercy: Mrs. Sibley? Tituba: The mistress is out. Mercy: Oh. Tituba: Anything needed to be said to her can be said to me. Mercy: Oh, that's beautiful! Tituba: My familiar. Mercy: Familiar? Tituba: A gift from the Devil to do my bidding, my spiritual companion. This is how she feeds. Mercy: [Chuckles] Will I get a familiar? Tituba: In time. Mercy: How do I choose? Tituba: You don't. It chooses you. [Bell chiming] Together: Good day, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Girls. Dollie: We're off to meet Mercy in the graveyard. Mary: Well. On your way, then. [Bubbling] We all grieve the loss of our sister. Mary: I do not argue this. But beg remembrance that I was given little choice. The malum... [Both gasp] Without which our grand rite would not be possible. Rose brought it here, this instrument of death, without my knowledge, to challenge and defeat me. [Cauldron sizzles, bubbles] It is for you, retrieved at great cost, relinquished with love and ardor for our cause. I leave you now with the only tool that exists on earth to control me. _ _ _ John: The trick to making shakes is to split them... not chopped or sawed, but to split. Thank you. [Tapping] Your turn. Right! Well done. [Chuckles] Mary: Captain. John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Young man. John: Why don't you go see if there's any fresh water. Big doings this morning. Mary: Seems every day brings its fair share of surprises. John: I heard old Increase took possession of your husband. Mary: Yes, he did. And I'm eager to get him back. John: You are? Why? Mary: Is it so unusual, Captain, for a wife to want her husband at home? John: In most cases, it's not unusual at all. Anne: I heard my hard worker was thirsty. Oh, Mrs. Sibley. Uh, fresh apple water on offer. Mary: No, thank you, Anne. Good day, Captain. Young man. Anne: Captain. [Door opens] Cotton: May I? Cotton: Sir. Man: Good morrow. Increase: If you're going to capitulate to your weakness, must it be on constant public display? Cotton: Shall I leave public display to you, father? Shall we abolish the noose so that you may break necks with your own two hands? Increase: She was dad. The whore runner klled herself. Cotton: She was already dad, and yet you hung her. Increase: I said she would hang. And hang she did. We are nothing if we do not keep our word, a principle which seems to mean very little to you, I fear. Cotton: Must you hate me so? Increase: Oh, Cotton. Your mother was a Cotton, as you know. And my stepsister. Our marriage was a historical inevitability. The cottons and the Mathers... who could resist such a... such a joining of... of power and prestige? Cotton: Certainly not you. Increase: She was a good woman, and she was a fit enough mother, but... I didn't love her. I didn't love. And then you were born. [Chuckles] And there you were, a... Squalling mess of limbs and of hair, and... You weren't much. But you were enough to show me love. Cotton: [Sniffs] What utter irony that you would then take the self-same thing from me. [Clattering] Henry: Ah! Lamb: You are cut off, sir! Henry: [Slurring] No. I have money! I will drink muchly and often! Lamb: You will not. Now be on your way. Henry: I think not. Lamb: Oh, no, no. Whoa. Go! Henry: [Shouting indistinctly] Increase: The wine is from God. The drunkard is from the Devil. Pull yourself together. There's much work to be done. Mercy: Let me kll him. Mary: I have told you. We cannot kll Increase. Mercy: Not silly old Increase. Mr. Sibley. Tituba: This is what you teach her? For any problem, mrder is the first course of action? Mary: We cannot kll George. Mercy: Why not? You are so powerful You alone. You do not need him. Mary: [Chuckles] That is where you are wrong, my dear. We need him desperately. Without George, it all goes away. I am a widow with nothing... no business to run, no voice with the selectmen. With him alive, I can speak through him... a puppet to parrot his wishes and thoughts. But dad, he is useless and I am without power. Mercy: But how will you stop him from speaking? Mary: I will enter his mind and destroy it from within. His body will live on, but his mind will be gone. Mercy: How will you do that? Tituba: Quiet girl! That is enough questions. Mercy: Don't you tell me to be quiet. Tituba: Quiet. Mary: Enough! Both of you, leave me now. Tituba: But I can help you. Mary: Get out! Mercy: Let go of me! Tituba: Shh! Mercy: Let go! Tituba: You know who we could kll? You. Mercy: You can't. She would never let you. Tituba: Maybe, maybe not. You don't want to find out. Mercy: You're jealous and spiteful and awful. Tituba: Years... I have waited many, many years. Stay out of my way, you little bitch. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] Isaac: Mrs. Sibley's only ever had your best interest at heart. Yet still... Your moment's worst desperation, it was not her name you uttered for rescue but that of the Reverend Mather senior. What do I, who have known only volence and malice from your eager hands, care a whit about your rosy outlook? George: [Gagging] [Gulps] Mary. Mary. Free of your precious familiar, I finally got hold of my dreams back. Mary: Hmm. A beatific choice for such a dark and twisted mind. George: [Chuckles] You remember coming here? Mary: Yes. A picnic. George: [Chuckles] Mary: The one and only day I almost didn't despise you. George: You never gave me a chance. Your mind was long made up. Mary: [Chuckles] Can you blame me? You stole my life. George: And now you've stolen mine. Mary: We are close. So very close. The grand rite is almost complete. George: And then what? Another kingdom for you to rule? Mary: Yes. A world in which I no longer need you. A blessed world in which you can finally die. George: Peril and thr*at. Mary: Many a union has relied on less. [Chuckles] Don't look so worried, George. We're a little ways off yet. For now, I just need you quiet, sleeping like an angel in your dirty bibs and nappies. Farewell, George. George: You bitch! You bitch! Mary: [Gasps] Oh, that bastard. Tituba: Sibley? Mary: Increase Mather. He was there. Protecting George. Guarding his mind even in sleep. Tituba: We have another problem. We must do something about the girl. Mary: [Sighs] Mercy. Tituba: She is... Unreliable. It is only a matter of time before we can no longer control her. Mary: At a time such as this when I am nearer to discovery and annihilation than ever before, you would distract yourself with petty jealousy and spiteful accusations. Tituba: I am trying to make... Mary: Never have I needed you more. And never have you disappointed me so gravely. Tituba: I would do anything for you. I love you. Mary: Oh, and I wish to God you didn't. Love me less and you will love me better. Find a way to get to George. John: Tomorrow, we'll work on the paint. That is, if you're still available, of course. Excellent. Excellent, son. Stephen: Stephen. John: Stephen. Henry: You've seen my daughter. John: You can move along. There's kids here. Henry: I'm looking for a kid... my kid. John: And I said, "move along." Anne: Mr. Hopkins. How can we help you? Henry: My daughter came to stay here after when I was in jail? Anne: Emily? No, Mr. Hopkins. She did not. Henry: Have you seen her around? Anne: No, sir. I haven't. Henry: Oh. You tell her I'm looking for her. You tell her she needs to come home. Anne: Yes, Mr. Hopkins. I'll do that. Dollie: Lizzy... Did you bring the chicken feathers and the dried horse dung? Elizabeth: I brung the feathers, but the dung weren't dry. Dollie: And what about the mice? Emily: They scattered when the cat come to the trap. Dollie: Mercy is to be here any minute. Must I do everything myself? Anne: Miss Hopkins, may I have a word? Your father has been freed. Emily: I see. Anne: And he's been looking for you, asks that you come home immediately. Mercy: Miss Hale. Can we help you? Anne: I've only come to tell Miss Hopkins that her father has been freed. Mercy: How kind. Anne: And that he seemed... Quite inebriated and not himself, and that perhaps she oughtn't to go home tonight. Perhaps she ought to stay in the orphanage where she'd be safe. Mercy: She is safe. With us. Anne: Is she? Mercy: Would you care to stay and... See for yourself... Anne? Anne: Not tonight. [Door opens] Increase: Stop. What is that? Isaac: A tonic. For pain. Increase: Where did you get it? Isaac: Mr. lamb gave it to me while you were out. Increase: No. Isaac: No? Increase: [Clicks tongue] Young man... [Door closes] Young man, I offered you an opportunity, did I not? Do you remember? The world... the vast world, the sunlight. I somehow suspected you would find a way to undermine yourself. But I did... I hoped against hope that you wouldn't, but you did. Because not only are you a cretin, you're a failure. You're a cretinous failure, and like all failures, you say to yourself, "but I never get the chance! I never get the opportunity," but it just ain't so, is it? No. And like every failure, what do you do? You just piss in the well of possibility. And now you are going to tell me who gave you the potion. Dollie: Stiff as a stick, cold as a marble. Elizabeth: Light as a spirit, lift yourself. Woman: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman 2: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman 3: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman: Master spider, stilted or stifled... All: Spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Increase: Who gave it you? Isaac: [Whimpers] Increase: Hmm? Who gave it you? [Slap] Head up. Head up. Isaac: It's not a potion. Increase: It's not a potion? Isaac: It's not a po... [crying] Increase: Look at me, boy. Isaac: It's... it's medicine. Increase: One more time. Isaac: [Grunts] Increase: I'm going to ask you, who gave it to you? All: Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Increase: What we'll do is this... Isaac: It's medicine. Increase: Shh, shh. I'm going to slit your belly open. Isaac: [Crying] It's medicine. Increase: I'm going to reach in, pull out, and I'm going to throttle you with your own intestines. All: Heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Isaac: No. No. No. Increase: Now, you tell me right now, who gave it to you?! Tell me, Isaac! Tell me! Isaac: Mrs. Sibley could bring no harm to a living thing. If... if she provided me the medicine, that's good enough for me. Increase: Mrs. Sibley, eh? [Sighs] Well done. Off with you now. Isaac: [Whimpering] Increase: Go. Go on! Out of my sight! Isaac the fornicator! George: [Gagging] Increase: George. George: [Coughing] Increase: George! George: [Gasping] Increase: George! Henry: Hey. Emily: Hello, father. Henry: Told you I'd get out. Emily: Yes, you did. Henry: I told you this weren't over. You'll be sold still, if the whores will have you. Emily: I'm not going anywhere. Henry: You will. You will go where I tell you! Emily: I won't. [Crying] I won't. I... [crying] Please! [Blows landing, Emily screaming] Dollie: Henry Hopkins. Henry: What is this? Hey! [All shouting] Aah! Emily: [Giggles] John: Stephen. That's his name, the boy. Anne: He told you? John: Yep. Anne: [Laughs] Two years without speaking, and in one day, he tells you his name. He must have really taken to you, Captain. John: No, I wouldn't say that. Anne: And who could blame him? John: Boys need attention and hard work to burn off their energy. Anne: And I'm grateful... For your hard work. John: It's the first hours passed since I've come back where I haven't thought about witches. Anne: [Chuckles] I supposed one could choose that life... honest work, community, a loving family, and not a witch in sight. [Chuckles] Maybe there's hope for us yet. Increase: You! Alert the selectmen. Another witch has been revealed. Follow me. John: Or maybe not. Increase: Mary Sibley! Your husband is awake. [Door opens] Mary: George is awake? Has he spoken? Increase: He is rendered incapable of speech. Nevertheless, the name of his tormentor has been divulged. Mary: What does that mean... "rendered unable to speak"? Increase: Do you recognize this potion? Mary: Yes. It's a physic for pain. I gave it to Isaac to give to Mr. Sibley. Increase: A physic for pain? Tell me, would a physic for pain seal Mr. Sibley's mouth shut... With a golden web? Mary: A tonic for pain. Nothing more. Cotton: Might I suggest, father, that Mrs. Sibley's tonic is just that, and the work of the web is due, more likely, to the real witch's spider familiar. Increase: Yes. It's a possibility. Search the house. Mercy: Wait! I'm sorry, sir. Did you say a spider? Cotton: The Lewis child, once tortured and possessed by witches. Increase: Yet now she looks remarkably well. Mercy: All due to Mrs. Sibley's kindness. She saved my life. I was tortured and tormented, at the verge of begging for death, and Mary Sibley delivered me from evil. Which is why I hesitate to say... Increase: What is it you have to say, girl? Mercy: The other morning, when Mrs. Sibley was out on shipping business... Increase: Yes? Mercy: I did pass Tituba's room, and she was doing the strangest thing. Cotton: Tell us, Mercy. Tell us what you saw. Mercy: She held a spider to her neck. Cotton: Yes? Yes? Mercy: She seemed to feed it. [All gasp] Increase: You. Come here. [Crowd chattering] I hereby arrest you... On the charge of witchcraft. [Crowd gasps] Guards. Man: Yes, sir. Man 2: Aye, sir. Man: Come with us.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x09 - Children Be Afraid"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Increase: This whore is hereby banished. Anne: I am sorry about your girl. Aah! Increase: He is rendered incapable of speech. Mercy: Tituba held a spider to her neck. She seemed to feed it. Increase: You have but to tell me a name. Tituba: [Whispers indistinctly] Increase: And she started with Mercy Lewis. Mary: Mercy? Increase: I will have her and her girls. Mary: She's not here. She went out this afternoon. She's not returned. Increase: You can imagine my shock to discover that John Alden stands behind all of Salem's horror. Selectman: I place you under arrest for witchcraft. [Rooster crows, horse neighs] Increase: There was a time I wished you my own son. John: Then you know I'm no witch. Increase: Sadly, Captain... I do not know you at all anymore. Mary: Do you truly believe him guilty? Increase: Whatever I believe of John Alden is not at issue here. This is why we have a trial. Mary: A trial of John Alden. Increase: Does this surprise you? Your own servant's accusations were firm and... and very clear. Unless... Unless, of course, perhaps your own feelings cloud your judgment? Mary: Any feelings I once had for John Alden were extinguished once I gave my heart to George. Increase: Ah. Mary: But it is not my feelings that concern me. Increase: Then whose? Mary: Salem's. John Alden is a firebrand, but he is adored by the commoners. I've already heard their whispers of dismay. Increase: Tell me... are you suggesting that I not bring Alden to trial? Mary: No. I am suggesting you do not fight this battle alone. Allow the select board to decide whether a trial is warranted. With their backing... and I assure you, you have it fully... you will quell any dissent. Increase: And are you confident that the board will vote to bring Alden to trial? Mary: As sure as I stand before you. Increase: Yes. I shall summon the board at once. Thank you. Mary: Oh, and, Reverend? Any luck in finding mercy Lewis? She, too, must face her day of reckoning. Increase: Not yet. But I'm a patient man. And a witch can't hide forever. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Anne: What is it? Tell me. And why you felt the need to destroy it. Mr. Hale: Tell you? Was it not you who just told me that it was a magical transporting mask? Did I get that right? Anne: Don't you dare mock me. I've afforded you the privacy to explain. Mr. Hale: Which I have done many times. It is an artifact of my travels. Anne: Stop. No more lies. I simply want the truth. Mr. Hale: The truth of the mask? Anne: The truth of you. Of who and what you are. Fine. Perhaps there is someone who is not yet tired of my questions, someone with knowledge of other worlds who isn't afraid to share it. Increase Mather. Mr. Hale: What on earth would you want to bother him with this nonsense for? Anne: Nonsense? Why don't we see if Increase regards this as nonsense? For I do not believe he will. Mr. Hale: Anne. Anne! Increase: Mm. Do you know why I came back to Salem? Cotton: Lovely. More questions I can answer to your dissatisfaction. Increase: Not only to hunt witches, but to make a man of my son. Cotton: You found some witches? So your trip is not a total loss. Increase: Do you really not see the path that I've set you on? The whore is gone. A rare opportunity awaits you now to announce yourself before the entire province. Cotton: And what is that? Increase: Tomorrow I shall bring John Alden's case before the board. Cotton, you are a persuasive... nay, a gifted speaker. I want you there by my side. Cotton: I will not. John Alden is my friend, perhaps my only one. Increase: And you would allow friendship to stand in the way of your own elevation? Cotton: He is innocent. And you know it. Increase: Do I? Do you? A man shares your whiskey and suddenly you can... you can see into his very soul and attest that it has not been blackened by the devil. I, myself, possess no such omniscience. You know, long ago, I faced the same dilemma as you. It was state the case against a fellow student, a classmate, a young man I... I quite liked, or remain silent and allow an accused witch to walk free. Cotton: And let me guess. You watched him burn. Increase: No. I let my feelings intercede, and the young man was freed. And two years later, he slit the throats of two virgins in a satanic ritual. My mistake. And it has haunted me ever since. So consider carefully your decision. You know me well. Just how well do you know John Alden? Mr. Hale: I surveyed the board per your request. Mary: And? Mr. Hale: Six of the selectmen will, indeed, opt to take Alden to trial. The other five, loyal to the memory of his father, will vote for dismissal. Mary: That leaves two seats. Mr. Hale: I shall vote as you have asked. I assure you. Mary: So this leaves me, as a proxy for my ailing husband, to break the tie. Come. Let's get this over with. Increase: Must we not hold all our citizens, both commoner and the sons of privilege, to the same standard? When they cheat, must they not be pilloried? When they steal, must they not be whipped? And when they fail to uphold their promise to God and choose, instead, to take league with the devil, must they not then be judged by their decision? Mary: Thank you, Reverend. I believe the board is ready to vote. Captain Alden has been accused of the practice of witchcraft. The good Reverend has graciously agreed to allow the board to decide whether he should go to trial. So, those who believe that Captain Alden should be tried as a witch? Six for trial. And those who believe that Captain Alden's distinguished character renders such accusations baseless? Five for dismissal. Mr. Hale? Salem awaits your vote. Mr. Hale: Dismissal. Mary: Ah. Six to six. Which means I must break the deadlock. And I shall cast my vote... Increase: Actually, Mrs. Sibley... Your vote is not required. You will be pleased to learn that George's health has progressed, at least to the point where he is able to cast his own vote. Thank you, doctor. Mary: Reverend, you yourself said that he was held in the witch's grip. Increase: Perhaps. Perhaps not. His condition has steadily improved. Mary: Improved? He cannot speak. He can barely move. All he can do... Is spit. Increase: Yes, precisely. George, my dear old friend, if you can understand the words that I am speaking to you, please spit. Ha! Mary: This is ludicrous. Increase: Actually, Mrs. Sibley, it is anything but. Your husband is a selectman and he is eager to perform his civic duty. Well, then. Sir? And now, George, tell me... do you believe that this man, John Alden, should now stand trial? Yea or nay? If your answer is in the affirmative, will you please spit? Return him to the jail. Captain John Alden will stand trial on the charge of witchcraft. [insects chirping] [Horse neighs] Mary: Open it. Man: Yes, ma'am. Mary: Now leave us. Man: Yes, ma'am. [Door closes] Mary: I warned you. I told you that should you stay in Salem, you would die here. John: So you came here to remind me? Or to bury me? Mary: I came to apologize. Not for today's vote, but for the one that I cast that sent you on this course. Had I accepted your offer to go to New York, far from this place, we would know nothing of votes or trials or Increase Mather. John: And if I hadn't gone to wr or you hadn't married Sibley. There was no one choice that sent our course awry. Mary: Listen to me. If you go to trial, they will hang you. But there is still a way to prevent such a fate. They cannot try you if you are not here to be tried. John: Escape? Is that what you... Mary: I will arrange it. It won't be easy, but properly planned. I have resources, means at my disposal... Mary. Far more widespread than you might imagine. John: Mary, no. I won't go. Mary: But a trial will result with you in the gallows. You must know this. John: You know, I always wondered why Giles Corey never fought back, why he let them press him to death rather than plead to their charges. But now I know. He knew he lost the moment he played their game, dignified their madness. So, no, I won't run, not from my birthplace. I'd rather die here. Mary: [Sniffles] And so perhaps you will get your wish. Anne: Reverend Mather? Increase: You're the Hale girl. Anne: Anne, sir. Increase: Do you wish to speak to me, or are you simply content to watch me eat? Anne: I have a question... Of witches. Increase: Indeed. Are you merely curious or have you encountered one? Anne: Well... Mr. Hale: Anne, there you are. Interrupting Reverend Mather's dinner. Increase: She was querying me about witchcraft. Mr. Hale: Was she? Anne: Reverend Mather was about to answer my questions that others seem unable to answer truthfully. Mr. Hale: Well, perhaps I can be of some assistance so the Reverend can finish his meal in peace. Anne: Perhaps. But will you speak honestly? Mr. Hale: I will. Increase: Well, it is no matter to me. Magistrate, Miss Hale. Anne: No more lies. Mr. Hale: No more lies. [Women screaming] Increase: Have either of you tired of this game? For I assure you, I have not. Emily: Mercy's too smart for you. Elizabeth: We'll never tell you where she is. Increase: Is that what you think? That we're here together because I require your help in locating mercy Lewis? No, no, no, no, no, no. I am here as an act of charity. Emily: [Sobbing] Charity? Increase: Aid me in apprehending her and your lives will be spared. But if you persist in defying me, I can offer you no alternative to the stake. Elizabeth: Mercy won't let us die. Emily: She will come for us. Increase: Perhaps such a thought comforts you in your sleepless night, but I assure you, I will find mercy Lewis with or without your help. [Women screaming] Mary: You're late. Mercy: Well, I'm sorry, my lady, but I have to take precautions with Increase still searching for me. Mary: You're right to. You offered a solution once for Increase, one that I dismissed, but perhaps it was only my response which was misguided. Mercy: So what are you saying? Mary: I'm saying that Increase Mather must die. And we are the ones to do it. Mercy: kll him? But why now? Mary: The shadow he casts grows longer. And Tituba's accusations jeopardize one that I care for deeply. Mercy: [Scoffs] John Alden? Mary: No. My dear, dear mercy. You. Your path from lost girl to devil's assistant is one that I walked, too. I would protect you as I would mine own self. Now, Tituba's released, rewarded for her treachery, and you live like an animal, hunted and fearful. Mercy: So how will I do it and when? Mary: Easy, my dear. Many a witch has sought to claim Increase's life and lost theirs in the process. Our efforts must be planned... Carefully. Mercy: Surely you must have a method in mind. Mary: Yes. I do. Show me your fingers. Mercy: My fingers? Mary: These will do. Mercy: For what? Mary: Now strike me. Mercy: My lady? Mary: Tear at my flesh as you would your vilest enemy. Mercy: [Chuckles] Mary: Do not question your ears nor your faith. Do as I ask. And soon you will understand. Mr. Hale: I was 8 years old when I watched my parents burn. [Woman screaming] Timeless solution for exterminating witches. Do you know what it's like to witness the death of those you love more than anyone else in the world? Anne: I can't imagine. Mr. Hale: It teaches you what you are capable of. The depths and limits you never knew you had. And, yet, even as their ashes lingered in the air, steps were taken to spare me a similar fate. So I was whisked from england, sent across the sea, surviving plague and pestilence, to the new world. [Horse neighs] I was taken in by those loyal to the cause, who raised me with a twin mission... teach me to harness the power of who I was and yet to keep it hidden from the world. And then I was raising a family of my own, knowing that those I held most precious live in every bit the jeopardy that I do. Am I a witch? Yes. But does that make me any less of a loving father? No. Most certainly not. Anne: [Gasping] Mary: Enter. Isaac: I came as soon as you summoned me. I suspect you're not pleased. What happened, Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Oh, uh, this. And here my own vanity convinced me it was hardly noticeable. Join me in tea, and I will tell you my sad tale. I went to the woods, hoping to clear my mind after recent troubling events. Sugar? Isaac: No, thank you. Mary: Lost in my own thoughts, I scarcely noticed her... drink, Isaac... until she was upon me. Isaac: Who? Mary: Mercy Lewis, who greeted me not with kindness for once taking her in... But with volence and anger. She finds me guilty for Tituba's accusations as if I'm responsible for my servant's mind. Isaac: Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Yes, Isaac? Isaac: The tea. Mary: What about it? Is it making you warm or just sleepy? Isaac: Both. Mary: Good. Then it's working. I don't mind telling you this because when you wake, you will remember nothing, although I do regret using you like this. Even in Salem, there are those who deserve better. But Increase knows that you're far too scared and guileless to betray him again. He will take your words as fact. Isaac: Words? Mary: That hearing that mercy lurked nearby, you sought her in the woods. But she was too quick, and she evaded you. Increase will parse your words until he is convinced they are truth. So repeat after me, Isaac. "I went to the woods..." Isaac: I went to the woods... Mary: "...To find mercy Lewis." Isaac: To find mercy Lewis. Mary: "Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her." Isaac: Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her. Mary: Very good. Again. Increase: Can we ever truly know our neighbor, trust that they are whom they seem to be, who they would have us believe them to be? We are told that a young woman, a girl, really was a tool of the witches, only to find that she is, in fact, a witch herself. And now Salem's first son stands likewise accused. Look around. Look to either side. Look to your neighbor. And ask yourself, "friend or sorcerer? Wife or witch?" Cotton: God or devil?! Increase: Who said that? Show yourself. It is my son. Pay him no mind. Do not reward him with your indulgence. Cotton: You question who the people of Salem are in the name of God. Increase: Yes? Cotton: But should the people of Salem not question who you are? For how else would the devil appear... But in the cloak of the lord? Increase: Get out. You are drunk! Your rantings only serve to embarrass yourself. Remove yourself now. You will not? I will remove you myself! Mrs. Hale: Point the finger at her own father? She would never. Mr. Hale: Are you certain of that? Wasn't it just last night that I found her with Increase? Mrs. Hale: [Sighs] She had no intention. She was simply acting out. Mr. Hale: Salem is filled with those who act out... friends who act like enemies, enemies who act as executioners. Mrs. Hale: This is all new to her. Trust that, in time, she will accept it. Mr. Hale: Yes, and if not, what then? Mrs. Hale: Then it may be time to tell her the rest of the story. Mr. Hale: I'm afraid that time has already come. Increase: Your story is really quite fantastic. Mary Sibley attcked by mercy Lewis. Isaac: Yes, sir. Increase: And out of loyalty to Mary, you followed the girl into the woods. Isaac: Loyalty to Mary? No, sir. Loyalty to you. Increase: Me? Isaac: Are you not eager to find the girl? Did you not tell me to keep my eyes and ears open on your behalf? Increase: Mm. Isaac: So when I learned she lurked at the wood's edge, I sought her out, as I knew you would have wanted. Increase: This is called a cilice. I wear this to remind myself of my own failing. Does it surprise you, Isaac, to learn that even I have sins I must atone for? Have you ever sinned? Isaac: Not intentionally, sir. Increase: Are you sinning now? Are you lying to me? Isaac: I speak the truth, Reverend. I saw her, but could not catch her. Increase: And can you recall where it was you last laid eyes on mercy? Isaac: Past the lake, beside the weeping tree, I spied her. Increase: And you could... you could lead me there? Isaac: Yes, of course, sir. Increase: Well, then. Prepare yourself, my boy... For you and I... Are going witch hunting. [Rodents squeaking] Mercy: [Grunts, chuckles] [knock on door] Cotton: Miss Hale. Anne: Am I intruding, Reverend? Cotton: Well, I was just about to enjoy my late-afternoon drink... not to be confused, of course, with my early-evening drink, which I anticipate taking place shortly, as well. Perhaps? Anne: Oh, no, thank you. I cannot stay. I simply came to say... I'm sorry. Cotton: For? Anne: Everything. I have not treated you well... Nor entirely fairly. Cotton: So my father has earned me your pity. Is that right? Anne: No. I simply see that we are alike, both children of complicated men. Cotton: Magistrate Hale, complicated? In truth, he's always seemed a bit of a... a simpleton to me. Anne: [Chuckles] No, I assure you. [Sighs] He is as complex as any man in Salem. You have made quite a study of them... witches. Cotton: For all my studies, I'm not sure I truly know a thing. Anne: Oh, I doubt that. I'm sure you could tell me all about them. Cotton: I did not know you even believed in witches. Anne: I've had a change of heart. Cotton: And why is that? Anne: Perhaps it is an interest I've lived with my entire life, but wasn't aware of until recently. Cotton: Well, um... If you have a moment, please sit, and I will tell you all about witches. Isaac: It's here, Reverend. Increase: You're sure? Isaac: 'Twas the trail I took that led me to her. Careful, sir. We do not know when she could strike. Increase: Tell me, did you really travel this deep into the woods alone to find the girl? Isaac: For you, sir. Increase: [Chuckles] For me? I'm touched. I'm also extremely skeptical. Isaac: Reverend? Increase: What is your plan? Isaac: Plan? Increase: To lure me? To kll me? Isaac: No. Why would I? How? Increase: Or perhaps... perhaps you did not have a choice. Tell me, whose bidding is it that you do? Is it John Alden who wants me dad? Or Mary Sibley? Or do they work in concert? Hmm? Tell me now, or I'll slide this blade along your throat, and you'll be dad before I clean and sheath it. Isaac: Reverend, I promise you I'm here on your behalf and yours alone. Sir! Mercy: [Laughs] Increase: After her! Go on! Anne: You've seen one? A witch, I mean? Cotton: I have. A vile creature who walked undetected for years until finally her true nature was revealed. Anne: So they hide amongst us? Cotton: This change of heart is remarkable. Anne: Remarkable that it took so long. Living in Salem and not believing in witches is like living in London and not believing in fog. It is to deny what is right in front of you. Cotton: And what does your father think of your conversion? Anne: My father... Above all is... Responsible for it. Cotton: Perhaps he's as complicated as you say. [Clears throat] Anne: But what my father did not answer is... what do witches want? Cotton: Some say they want only to live in peace. Others, like my father, say that they desire nothing less than the destruction of all mankind. Anne: And is your father correct? Cotton: My father's correct in most matters. Anne: Is he correct about you? Cotton: My father thinks I'm a failure. Since I have failed at both piety and sobriety, yes... The evidence supports his case. Anne: He's wrong. Cotton: [Sighs] Another failure to add to my list. Anne: Your only failure is not becoming your father. And that is no failure. Mary: Terra sunt carnes et ossa. Domini est terra et ossa. Terra sunt carnes et ossa. Domini est terra et ossa. Isaac: I do not see her. Increase: Well, fear not. She will return. For how else can she attempt to kll me? Mary: Domini est terra et ossa. Increase: Satan is a formidable enemy not because he's evil, but because he is sly. Oh, we know each other well. [Twig snaps] Shh, shh, shh, shh. Mary: Et nos unum benedictus. Increase: [Gasps, coughs] Isaac: Reverend? Increase: [Gasping] Isaac: Sir? Sir? Reverend Mather? Mercy: Looking for me, Reverend? Increase: You will return with me to Salem, and you will stand trial, witch. Mercy: [Chuckles] I don't think so. [Gasps] Increase: [Grunting] [Grunting] Mercy: Did you think it would only take one Knfe to kll me, Reverend? [Laughs] [Panting] Increase: After her! Isaac, don't let her get away! Isaac! Isaac: [Groaning] Increase: [Panting] Oh. Isaac: Mercy's wapon. Increase: Oh, my poor boy. Breathe shallow. You are not alone. Isaac: Aah! [Knock on door] Mary: Yes? Nathaniel: Reverend Mather has requested you in his quarters. Mary: Cotton? Nathaniel: Uh, no, ma'am. Increase. Increase: Mrs. Sibley, this way. Mary: May I have a moment with him? Isaac. Oh, sweet Isaac. I never intended for you to meet this fate. So I promise you, though a grim future awaits the people of Salem, I will protect you from any further pain. I swear to you. [Door opens] Increase: Come now. He needs his rest. Mary: Reverend, I am at a loss. Why Isaac would take it upon himself to seek out Mercy... Increase: I asked him the same question. Mary: And what did he say? Increase: He said he did it on my behalf, which I find very odd when you consider the fact that he detests me. Mary: Detests you? No. No, Isaac hates no one. He is incapable of it. Increase: Well, at least you will agree his mind is... Childlike. And, like a child, he absorbs the thoughts and the intents of others. Mary: What others? Increase: Someone who does hate me... And desires me... d*ad. Mary: And one other matter, Reverend... I remain skeptical that John Alden is a witch. Increase: Ah, if not Alden, tell me who, then, is responsible for what has transpired in Salem? Mary: Regrettably, I do not know. Increase: Well, perhaps we can hope together that the truly guilty party will step forward and... Exonerate the good Captain. Do you think that's a possibility, Mary? Mary: This is Salem. I think there are no limits to what is possible. [Insects chirping] [Knock on door] Increase: Am I to expect another outburst? Cotton: No. I've not had a drink for hours. Increase: Ah. Amazing what one comes to accept as a sign of progress. Why have you come at this hour? Cotton: I've been contemplating your offer to join you in the prosecution of Captain Alden. Increase: And you have seen the wisdom in it? Cotton: I have seen wisdom... But not yours. I've decided to defend Captain Alden. Increase: To defend? Oh, imagine how proud I am to have... Raised a son so steadfast in his ability to consistently make the wrong decision. Mr. Hale: Anne. Anne: Please, father, it's far past my bedtime. Mr. Hale: I only require a moment. Something I neglected to tell you before... Regarding that mask. Anne: Truly, can this wait? Mr. Hale: It has waited long enough. And it is this... that the power of that mask can only be accessed by those of one kind. Anne: And what kind is that? Mr. Hale: My kind. Anne: But it worked when I... Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: Like me. A witch.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x11 - Cat and Mouse"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Increase: I will find Mercy Lewis with or without your help. [Women screaming] Anne: Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: A witch. Increase: Tomorrow I shall bring John Alden's case before the board. Cotton: He is innocent. And you know it. Selectman: By order of Increase Mather, I place you under arrest. Cotton: I've decided to defend Captain Alden. Increase: To defend? [Insects chirping] [Owl hoots] Mercy: Let the little children come unto me, for the kingdom of the Devil belongs to them. Come. Sit here, poor boy. Poor, sweet boy, worked to death by your family. Every day of your life, making you unfit for burial in the churchyard, so they dumped you here. [Voice breaking] Alice. Died in child birth, pregnant from your mother's brother. There. There, the baby. Smothered to hide the evidence. Let mother and child be together. I am your mother now. All of you! And you all are my children. My father, the good Reverend Lewis, said that there is no purgatory, no place for souls lost between heaven and hell. But he was wrong. Earth is purgatory. We are the ghosts that haunt this land. Mary: No, Mercy. You are very much alive. Perhaps more alive than any of us. Yet you have hidden yourself like a ghost. Increase searches everywhere for you. He will never look here. Mercy: But my girls. What of my poor girls? Mary: He has four of them. But do not fear for them or yourself. Soon our grand rite will cleanse this land of the evil men do and the men who do it, like the great flood of biblical times, making way for our new world. And rest assured, Mercy -- you, your girls, and all your children shall have a place there. Mercy: [Panting] Oh, thank you. [Sobs] But tell me -- tell me so I may reassure them in their fear. What is it? What is coming? Mary: Death. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Cotton: [Thinking] 'Tis an ancient proverbial truth that it requires but one dad apple to rot an entire barrel. And I come to believe it requires but one apple to make this whole land equally rotten. And not just any apple, but the malum. The icon of the apple runs through almost every image we have of the grand rite. The grand rite brings about death, death on a mass scale. We know little of its operation, nor the -- the mechanism of magic that unleashes the -- the death that follows. Only this one enigmatically simple sentence -- "malum est aperta." "The evil begins." But I have been misreading it all these years. We all have, my father included. "Malum" means "evil," but equally "apple." And I know believe the sentence to read, "the apple opens," and, by implication, unleashes the death that results. I believe I have seen that apple, or the box that contains it... In the house of John Alden. [Knock on door] Yes? Anne: Reverend Mather? I know it is late. Cotton: What are you doing out? Anne: I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to turn to. You are the only one who can help me. Cotton: Well, then you did the right thing by coming. Uh...How may I help you, and -- and with what? Anne: Do you think it's possible to be a witch and not even know it? Cotton: Um... I-I think one would know if one had...Deeded one's soul to Satan. Anne: But what if someone deeded it for you? Cotton: I can assure you, Miss Hale -- Anne: No. I want more than your assurance. I want... I want you to examine me now... For the mark of the Devil. Then, you may assure me. [Exhales deeply] [Breathing quickens] Cotton: I feel no sign of Satan. You seem, to me, in every respect, unmolested by the Devil. I assure you, Miss Hale, if you were a witch, you would know it. [Clanking] [Clanking continues] [Clanking stops] Increase: Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for... I wonder who will be first. Who will it be? Emily: What do you mean? Increase: Whoever will speak will not burn. Simple. Close in here this evening, no? Think I'll take some air. While I'm gone, consider... Which of you will be the first to confess what the witch John Alden did to you. Woman: Aah! [Door opens, closes] Emily: Mercy, thank God. We cannot hold on. He is going to make us turn. Elizabeth: But you have come to save us? Mercy: No, it doesn't work that way. You're not ready to travel as I do. But remember, we still serve the queen of the night, and she has not forgotten you any more than I have, and there will be a day where she will save you. I promise. But for now, you must give that old goat what he wants. Emily: I'm terribly afraid it's us he's going to serve up. Mercy: This is surely part of her design. Her web is greater than all of ours, and she has a vision, a vision of what this land could be. So do as Reverend Mather asks and speak against John Alden at the trial. Ancient witches: Malum aperta. Mary: But why John Alden? But he is innocent. It matters to me. Ancient witch: Mary, listen to me. To free him would reveal what you are to him. Ancient witch #2: You think he could love you then? Ancient witch: Do not lose his love. Use it for all of us. That is the sacrifice. Increase: In all of the literature on witchcraft, on malice, malum is "evil." So you tell me why, in this particular case, should it signify "apple"? Cotton: I have reason to believe the malum referred to here is an actual object, and that object is here in Salem awaiting use against us. Increase: Well, it's an interesting theorem, but...It fails the most basic tenet of rational thinking. Tell me -- the shortest distance between two points is...? -Cotton: A line. -Increase: Correct. And often, the simplest explanation is the correct explanation. Cotton: I'm only trying to stop the grand rite. Increase: Stop the grand rite? You? [Chuckles] Oh, my, the arrogance of youth. Would you even know how to stop it? And at what cost? Or would you like to hear from one who actually has stopped it and has paid the cost? Cotton: You? I never knew. Increase: Many years ago. In Marburg. You were still just a-a baby. The German witches, oh, far bolder than even the Essex witches. They attempted the grand rite. Within the space of a month, a dozen children disappeared. Their bodies were found bled dry. Their innocent blood soaked the ground. And as the full moon approached, more children disappeared, and I knew the grand rite was nearing its completion. So while others searched for the children, I hunted the witch. And I found him. He had taken the appearance of a 6-year-old girl, but I knew this was no girl. It was him. And I strangled her with my bare hands. And as the life left that body, the Devil reached out and snatched the body, but I held on. I was determined that he should not return to his home in hell. And my hands were plunged into the boiling black tar. Cotton: Hellfire. Increase: These hands have actually touched hell. And they burn me still. Cotton: But the grand rite was averted? Increase: There really is only one way to stop the grand rite. One must kll the witch that began it before the moonrise that ends it. In this case kll John Alden. [Townspeople shouting] It's no secret that John Alden has a cold and a willful hatred for us, for everything we believe and for our puritan community of saints. And so, it was that a young John Alden severed himself from Salem and, rootless, faithless, and loveless, cast himself into the crucible of wr, where he was captured by the heathen Indians. And that seed of evil within, already a hard and vicious knot, found fertile ground in which to flourish. And the savage servants of the angry, eldritch gods, they saw in Alden a gift from Satan, a powerful and vicious wapon to be used in their hopeless wr against us. And so, because of his hatred for us and his hatred for one he felt had betrayed him, a powerful and a vicious wapon he became. Cotton: Sir, this is pure fancy, bald conjecture. You have no idea what may or may not have happened to Captain Alden while fighting for all our lives against the Indians or when he was held their cptive. Increase: Well, then, let him speak. Let Alden tell us here and now exactly what transpired during that long period of time when you were lost amongst the savages. Speak, man. Speak! No? All those years, what could he have been doing? I will tell you. Like Satan in the book of Job, he was walking to and fro upon the earth mastering the tools of malice, learning the dark art of sending demonic familiars to do his bidding at a distance. You will observe, here, upon his neck... [Spectators murmur] An iron-hard, raised lump with a hole, and it was here where he suckles his familiars. John: [Chuckles] [Spectators gasp] Increase: You will not laugh again. I'm sure you have laughed many times to think how, beneath the very nose of a devoted young wife, you turned our leader, a once robust George Sibley, into a suffering heap that he is today. And after you had undermined the pillar of our community, you unleashed a campaign of terror. It was Alden who projected that specter of dread, the night hag, to terrorize Mercy Lewis. And you will ask, "why? Why Mercy Lewis?" Well, perhaps it was because her father, the good Reverend Lewis, married Alden's bitterly lost love to a hated rival, or perhaps it was just to show that no one in Salem is safe, not even the daughter of a blessed Reverend. Cotton! You attended Mercy Lewis. You had no doubt as to what ailed her. Cotton: She was indeed under spectral attck, but Captain Alden -- Increase: Captain Alden -- what did he say when he witnessed such an attck? Cotton: He cast some doubt upon it. Increase: Some doubt! I am told... He said it was... "Bullshit." [Spectators murmur] And he said that prayers were worthless. Prayer? Worthless? [Scoffs] Ask yourselves -- every time we have attempted to catch and stop a witch, who has risen up to defend them? Who alone among us, in encounter, time after time, with witches has emerged with nary a scratch upon him? Whose name was on Giles Corey's lips as he died? Who has proclaimed that he will see every man here in his grave? And who stood up to defend Bridget Bishop even in the very sight of the monstrosity she had created? I swear to you this man condemns himself every time he opens his mouth. And like Satan in the garden of eden, John Alden understands that women are the open doorway through which evil enters to poison us all. How many women, young and old, good and bad, has Alden bewitched? It has been seen that John Alden attempted to seduce even the highest women in the land. Mary Sibley. Did not the accused forcibly enter your house, nay, into your very boudoir, in the dad of night? Mary: Would I allow such a thing? Increase: I do not know. But your servant man has testified that Alden did indeed forcibly make entry in the night. Mary: He came to discuss politics. -Increase: Politics? -Mary: Indeed. To announce his intention to take his father's seat on the select board. Increase: In the middle of the night? Miss Hale. The accused was seen kissing you forcibly in public. There is no blame attached to you. You are a -- a slight and defenseless slip of a girl. But do you deny it? Anne: He did. [Spectators gasp] Increase: He did. A snake in the grass is what John Alden was and what John Alden is. And when he was not attempting to seduce his betters, he was satiating his own inhuman lusts in roomfuls of whores in the brothel run by his very own witches. [Spectators murmuring] And, worst of all, I think, the tender, young maidens of Salem, so eager to fall prey to his serpentine ways. Emily: Mercy told us it was -- it was John Alden who came I-in the shadows in the night, that he -- he kissed and licked and bit every part of her. But he bewitched her so she might not name his name but she might blame all on the hag. He took her in the night in spectral form and gave her body and soul to the Devil himself. [Spectators gasp, murmur] And she -- she drew us in after that w-with magical tricks a-and games. And, soon, we were dancing in the woods with him, where we touched each other and, one after the other, laid with him. Cotton: Really? All of you? Are you saying, Emily... That you are not a maiden? If I were to examine you, have one of the women here examine you... They would find that you are not intact? Emily: He -- he has tongue and fingers and invisible instruments of -- of pleasure. Cotton: Ah. Emily: But I-I had my eyes closed. I don't know what he did. Cotton: These are phantasms, fabrications of the mind. And who here among us has not had, even involuntarily, some heated thoughts? This girl has been overwhelmed by them. Especially in the face of extreme trture by my own father. Put to the rack, thrat with death, even an innocent girl might think herself a witch, and any man around her a Devil. [Spectators murmur] I submit to you that everything you have seen here today is the result of trture worthy of the inquisition! Who is it who has really violated women? John Alden? Or one who possesses... And uses... Tools such as this?! [Spectators gasp] Increase: How dare you? Cotton: No, sir! How dare you?! [Spectators clamoring] Increase: This session is suspended for the day! We will resume in the morning when tempers have cooled. John: The whole town wants to hang me like I'm some kind of monster, like I possess some dark, magic power. Cotton: And you do. John: Oh, not you, too. Cotton: No. Don't believe you're a witch. But I do believe you possess something of dark, magic power. Where is the malum? John: What? Cotton: The box. The box you found that lured that infernal witch to your house. John: Why? Cotton: I believe it is the fabled malum, the key to the grand rite. John: This more of your book nonsense? Cotton: That box covered in images -- I believe it is the greatest wapon of the witches, that it contains some kind of supernatural agent of destruction which will open when the grand rite is completed, releasing its doom upon us like... Like the myth of Pandora. John: Look, if that thing is what you say it is, and your father knows that I have it, that is the final nail in my coffin. Cotton: And what if it's the only chance we have? John: Giles has it. Cotton: Giles? Giles Corey is dad. John: And I buried it in his grave. Cotton: [Inhales deeply] [Coughing] Increase: [Grunts] You know what to do with it? Cotton: Father, I must speak to you. Increase: What now? More disrespect? Cotton: No. Sir. I still think what you do is fundamentally wrong, that there must be other ways, but... I am afraid. Deathly afraid. I fear, while we disagree on methods, we are both determined to stop the grand rite. Increase: Well... I'm gratified that you at least acknowledge that. Cotton: The malum is here. Or was. I saw it. I touched it, even. Increase: Indeed? Then where is it? Cotton: I don't know. Increase: Well... Tell me where you saw it. Cotton: In John Alden's house. Father, you don't understand. He was helping me. It was he who trapped the witch and carried her with me to the woods to question and kll her. Increase: You don't understand. In some respects, the witches are not unlike us. They have factions. They have power struggles. Your friend Alden was not trying to catch a witch. He was eliminating a rival. You are blinded by your own doubt, and it will destroy you! If I grant you that there is a possibility that Alden is innocent, can you not grant the possibility that there is a 1 in 10, nay, a 1 in 100 chance that I am right?! And if I am, thousands will perish. The nation itself may fall. Can we take that chance? I cannot. Can you? I tell you, Cotton, you do not know this man nearly as well as you think you do. Cotton: I searched Giles Corey's grave. The malum wasn't there. John: That's impossible. I buried it myself. Cotton: Who else knew? John: No one. Just you. And you don't believe me. Cotton: I'm not sure what to believe. I am certain only of two things. All our lives may depend on finding and destroying the malum. John: And? Cotton: And you are being less than honest with me. John: I've told you everything. [Townspeople shouting] John: What the hell is going on?! Selectman: Get up. Woman: [Sobbing] John: Those girls are innocent! Emily: No! [Screams] Forgive me! It's the only thing I regret -- lying about you! John: Look, I know what they did to you. It's not your fault. Selectman: Get over here! Emily: [Sobs] John: Damn you! Do something! They're just girls! [Girls sobbing] [Townspeople shouting] Emily: You! You promised you'd spare us! Increase: I am sparing you the flames of this world and of the next. You will not suffer long. A full measure of Mercy is being added to your legs. Cotton: Let go of me! Father, you lied! You promised these girls they wouldn't -- Increase: Burn. Nor shall they. Cotton: Don't do this, father. How can this possibly help? You said yourself they were victims! Increase: Sad but true. But they're tainted... By the Devil. I fear they carry his very seed. Cotton: How can you be certain? Increase: I am certain. I am certain of the thrat they pose to Salem, just as I am certain that your weakness poses a thrat. But above all, I am certain that, like a surgeon, I have no choice but to cut out the malignant manifestation of malice before it can spread any further. Cotton: No! Stop! Emily: Please help me! Please! Please! Selectman: Get back! [Girls gasp] Woman: Burn in hell! Let them burn! [Townspeople shouting] John: [Gasps] Dollie: [Sobs] Mercy! Where are you?! Mercy! Mercy: What is it? Dollie, what has happened? Dollie: Emily, Elizabeth, Susanna, and Charity -- Increase Mather has hung them all. You swore that they would be safe, but they're dad! All of them have been klled! You said your master would protect us, and she did nothing! [Sobs] Mercy: Go back to Salem. Gather the young, the poor, the suffering. They will be our army. A new day is upon us. And that new day demands a new queen of the night! [Church bell tolls] Increase: I know that so many of you find it hard to accept, impossible to believe that John Alden, son of one of our founders and a brave soldier in our defense, is guilty of malefic witchcraft. Fine. Fine! Suspend your belief or not. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that Alden...Be convicted and sentenced for what he truly is, a traitor and a mrder. Cotton: What? Whatever do you mean? Increase: I submit that while John Alden was with the Indians, he not only took up with them. He took up arms against his own people, slaughtering militiamen in his own company, good new england men, every one of them. I swear this to be true. And I dare John Alden to deny it! I dare you to tell me that you did not paint your face as a heathen Indian and smash the skulls of men in your own company! Cotton: Outrageous accusations! Wherever did you find such nonsense? Increase: I have sworn testimony from the slve Tituba! Cotton: Aha! Lies and fantasies. Increase: Lies? Captain? Fantasies? Do you dispute the charges? Speak. Cotton: Captain...Is this all true? John: Every sane man in this place knows I ain't a witch. Increase: Are you a traitor? Are you a mrder? Cotton: Damn you, John. Answer him. Increase: So, you see... Sometimes, silence can be the most eloquent confession of all. I have no doubt, not a sliver of a doubt, that John Alden is a witch. But...Even had I not... I would still maintain that he must hang for crimes he will not deny. And nor should you. Cotton: For God's sake, tell me my father is wrong. Tell me you are not the man he says you are. John: What does it matter now? Cotton: It matters to me -- whether you duped me all this time. John: Are you sure you want the truth? Are you really damn sure you know the difference between good and evil? 'Cause you puritans, you think the world is just black and white. What if the truth of the world is that it's nothing but gray? After the battle of the great swamp, I was left for dad. But I was found by the mohawk -- not the Indians we fought, no. The mohawk aren't our friends, but they are the enemies of the Abenaki we fight. In all honesty, I... I don't think I'll ever understand why they saved me. It is a mystery to me to this day. The scar your old man found he said was from feeding a familiar? That was from digging a ball of lead out of me and healing it with their medicines. Cotton: They held you for ransom? John: No. They treated me with kindness and respect. And their holy men took an interest in me. I'm not even sure why or what he saw in me, but if he hadn't... I'd be dad. So I lived amongst them. I shared their food and their shelter. I even hunted with them. One day, me and a few braves returned from a hunt to find the village had been brned to the ground. The women and the children, they're all scattered like dad, fallen leaves, slaughtered. Cotton: By the Abenaki? John: No. Militia. Our militia. Couldn't even be bothered to tell one Indian tribe from another. A red fog descended upon me, and it did not lift until I ran through those woods and klled every one of those bastards, everyone but one. And that I corrected the night I found the box. Cotton: And the malum? John: I didn't know nothing about that. You said it was something that the witches wanted badly. When we lost that witch in the woods, I thought it was best to hide it, so, like I told you, I buried it with Giles. Cotton: Well, then someone unburied it. John: Maybe you have nothing to worry about, then, because according to your father, I am the witch behind it. So, all you have to do is hang me, and then everything will be just fine. Cotton: What I can't figure out, what I am trying to surmise, is, after all of this, after everything we've been through -- you needed a friend or a pawn? Mary: [Sniffles, sighs] Isaac: Weeping don't help. Trust me. Done my fair share. Mary: [Gasps] Isaac. God, you're still bleeding. Isaac: Around here, who ain't? Mary: [Sobbing] What have I done? Isaac: I know none of this is your fault, and all of it's mine. He was on his way out of town that day. I stopped him. If it weren't for me, he'd be long gone. None of this would have happened. I might as well pull the rope myself in the morning. I've as good as klled John Alden. But you... You can save him. Mary: I can't. I can't! Isaac: You're Mary. You're Mary. They all call you Mary Sibley. Do you know what I call you in my head, to myself, in my heart? "Magic Mary." You were always magic, even back when we was just sprouts. And you could do anything -- always could. You just have to want it bad enough. And you do. Don't you? You do want John Alden to live. John: How did you get in here? Mary: They will hang you tomorrow. John: "They"? Well, aren't you one of them, Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Sometimes, I no longer remember who I am. But I know who you are -- an innocent man. John: [Chuckles] Hardly. Now it's almost funny. Salem finally sentenced someone to die for something they've actually done. Go home, Mary. Go back to your life, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: You are my life. John: Well, it's a little late for that thought. Mary: I'll not let you hang. I can save you. John: The good people of Salem, the people I've been trying to save, they all want me dad. They think I'm the Devil himself. I'm no Devil. But I am guilty of treason... And m*rder. And I'm ready to hang for it. Besides... I'm awfully tired. Tired of living without you. Mary: There's still a way for us to be together. John: It's over. What's wrong with you? Have you gone mad like everyone else in this town? Mary: John, I promise you -- John: No, don't. Neither of us is very good with promises, so no more vows. Mary: Listen to me. John: I am listening to you, and you aren't making any sense. Look around you. These are stone walls. [Scoffs] [Gate rattles] Barred windows, an iron door. Right above us, a thick rope awaiting my neck. Those are the stubborn facts. And all the love in the world can't change a single one of them. Mary: You're wrong. Love is stronger than fact, stronger than everything. But I tell you, John, there is still a place for us in this world. John: Only in dreams. Mary: All right, then. One last time... Dream with me.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x12 - Ashes, Ashes"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... John: I won't go. Mary: But a trial will result with you in the gallows. Cotton: John Alden is my friend, perhaps my only one. Increase: And you would allow friendship to stand in the way of your own elevation? Cotton: He is innocent. Isaac: You do want John Alden to live. Mr. Hale: That the power of that mask can only be accessed by those of one kind. Anne: Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: A witch. [Girls gasp] Dollie: You swore that they would be safe, but they're dad! Mercy: Gather the young, the poor, the suffering. They will be our army. Increase: [Grunts] You know what to do with it? Mary: There is still a place for us in this world. John: Only in dreams. Mary: Dream with me. John: You're one of them? Mary: Now you know. John: Know what? That you... you're a witch? Mary: Yes. A witch. You should just keep going now. We don't have much time. John: I still need to know. Why? Mary: Survival. All I want is for you to save yourself, so go. Believe that I still love you enough to simply be satisfied knowing you survive, even if that means I'm never gonna see you again. [Gasps] [Thunder rumbling] John: It came back to me. Mary: As you came back to me. All things return, like every salty tear returns to the sea. This is something one learns. John: As a witch? Mary: As a woman. John: You know, my father said this was the land of second chances. So this is ours. We could start again. All we have to do is walk away. Mary: You don't understand. They'd never let me. I... John: Then stay. You have a choice. What you have to do, whatever it is, will it really make you happy? Mary: I don't know. John: I think you do. I think you know as well as I do that there'll be no peace in your heart like there is today. My heart has never known peace. John: Then maybe, just maybe, we'll find it together. Mary: All right. I'll come. But there's something I must do first. If I don't go back and fix it, terrible things will happen. This is my vow. I will meet you here before the moon rises above those trees... I swear it. John: Okay. But when the moon goes, I go... With or without you. Mary: I shall be back. John: All right. ["Cupid Carries a Hun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Birds chirping] Mercy: A tribute. For you. For you, my queen. Mary: Mercy. Of all the lost souls in Salem, I pity yours most of all. My dear, what have I done to you? Mercy: [Voice breaking] What have you done to me? You have betrayed me. Mary: It was never my intention to betray you, Mercy. I saw myself in your eyes, knew what it was like to have nothing, be nothing, and I wanted so much more for you. So I gave you what you wished for, but I warned you. Mercy: No, I didn't wish for my friends to be klled. I promised them that they would be safe... Because you... you promised me. But you lied. You lied. And now they are all dad. Everything that comes from your lips is a lie. It's a lie. Lies! Lies! [Laughing] Lies! [Echoing] Lies! Mary: Mercy? Mercy: Don't look for me now, not here. You won't find me. But I will find you when you least want to be found. Cotton: Isaac. Have you come to help dismantle my mind? Isaac: Is that what they're doing? Cotton: Yes... in effect. On my father's order... His condition for accepting me back into the flock. All my collection, all the tools of useless reason... All but one. My father says I must return to the beginning of all knowledge. As a reward for my loss and my humiliation, I am to be allowed to return with him to Boston. Oh, Isaac. [Sighs] What do you want with me in this, the hour of my abasement? Isaac: I don't know what that means, sir. But I came to say something about Captain Alden. He is to be hung today. But you two were friends. You might never have said so, but I know so. And I believe, in this life, we have no power to alter where or when we go, but we can say things to each other. Sometimes, words are all we have left. Have you said goodbye to Captain Alden? Cotton: I'm not sure I can bear to... Especially given how much... How much blame may lie on my shoulders. [Sighs] But, as usual, you speak with more wisdom than all of the Mathers in history combined. Isaac: Good day, sir. [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] [Door opens] Mrs. Hale: [Gasps] Anne: Father. Mrs. Hale: Where have you been? Mr. Hale: Shopping. I believe I have everything we shall need to survive for a week or more. Anne: Survive? Survive what? Mr. Hale: [Panting] This way. Here. Give me a hand with this, dear. What's the matter? Haven't you ever held a live bird before? Anne: No, I-I haven't. Mr. Hale: Well, a little... Little tighter. Here. Can you feel its heart beating? Anne: Yes, I can. Don't worry. There's nothing to be frightened of. [Bones crunch] Anne: [Gasps] Mr. Hale: [Panting] Come. [Ancient witches hissing] Mary: No! No more will die. This began with me, and I shall be the one to end it. Silence! Or I shall deal with you as I dealt with Rose. No longer will you stand in my way... not now, not ever. I'm leaving Salem, and I am never coming back. You may do as you like when I'm gone, but you will not follow me or hinder me in the years ahead. _ Then unchoose me. [Creature howls] Put magistrate Hale in charge. His line is ancient, and yet still Springs green a new heir. _ No, I'm not the one. I was just a black Rose you grafted to your vine, and I've had enough... Enough blood and death... And I will be free. [Ancient witches hissing] _ [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] Increase: Ah, my son... With his customary expression of befuddlement and utter incomprehension. Cotton: What's happened, father? Have you taken him off and klled him already, without the benefit of final words or prayers or... or witnesses? Increase: Of course not. Would I do such a thing to an innocent man? You see, I never doubted John Alden's innocence. Just as I know that he is a man of excessive personal honor, I never doubted the fact that he had ample and good reason for klling whoever he did kll. Cotton: You mock me, sir. Increase: No, I do not. Do you think that I don't know that Alden has no more malefic or sulfuric power than you or I? Alden is a traitor, he is a mrder, he is a free-thinking heretic, he is a drinker, a man of loose morals, and he is guilty of the sin of pride, but a witch... not at all. However, he is in love with a witch, and more importantly, a witch is in love with him. Cotton: You mean Mary Sibley? A witch? Increase: Believe it or not, as you choose. Nevertheless, it is true. Cotton: The most important woman in Salem... a witch? Have you any proof, any evidence? Increase: At present, I have none. However, when she is apprehended with her lover, a man she has freed from a locked jail cell with magic, I'll have her dad to rights. You. Have you done as I told you? Militiaman: Yes, sir. Tore it into two. Snuck half into his pocket as I led him to his cell. Increase: Mm. Militiaman: The other half... here. Increase: Blood the hounds. Run him down. Heed me carefully... Someone will be with him, and they're both very dangerous, so do not attempt to capture them or bring them back, but execute them then and there, on the spot... both of them. You have my authority to do this. Cotton: Sir. Increase: Now, off with you. Go on. Cotton: Sir, I plead with you to bring them back for a fair trial. Increase: There's no need for a trial. This is our one and only opportunity to avert the great death that they intend for us. I have no choice in this. The witch will die tonight. [Door creaks] Mrs. Hale: [Sighs] Anne: How long has this been here? Mr. Hale: Since I built the house. You do not survive all that I have survived without knowing how to keep a true hiding place. This room, whose door only blood can open, is our sanctuary. You'll be safe here. Mrs. Hale: How long must we stay inside? Mr. Hale: I think at least a week before the winds cleanse the air. And this is how we will know it has gn. Anne: What disaster unfolds outside that we must cower from in here? Mr. Hale: Tonight, there will be a plague released near Salem, a pox upon the puritan house. Only those who carry the witch blood in their veins or are touched by it will be safe from this pox. Anne: Then I will die of it, too. Cotton Mather examined me. I'm no witch. Mr. Hale: Really? Then he is an even more incompetent witchfinder than I thought. Look around. Don't you recognize anything here? When you were very little, I brought you here often, that you might not begin your life as a damned puritan, without the sounds, the music in your ears, or all the colors of art in your eyes. Here. You drew that when you were 3. Anne: This. Mr. Hale: Well, that was your favorite. I carved it for you. Anne: But why... Why can't I remember? Mr. Hale: Because I had to take away your memories until you were ready for them, but now you are. Anne: I do. I do remember. But... I remember it dancing. Mr. Hale: It did dance for you. You made it dance. Anne: I? Mr. Hale: Look at it. And in your mind's eye, see it dancing. Mary: Oh, George, I shall Miss the dazzle and wit of your conversation. Do you know what tonight is, George? It's the luckiest night of your life. You'll never know how close you all came to utter destruction. You once took away from me everything that meant anything. But tonight, I shall finally have it all back. Tituba: Truer than you know... Mistress. Mary: What do you want here, traitor? Tituba: I? Traitor? I, who have endured the worst that sick man could inflict upon my flesh to protect you? I think not. 'Tis you who have betrayed those who nurtured you, you who have turned your back on everything we have planned these long years. Mary: No. No, I'm leaving not to betray, but to be true... Perhaps for the first time... To myself. Tituba: You are going nowhere. Seven years ago, two girls walked into the woods. There, one of them made a vow. To seal that vow, she offered up a most precious thing... The life she carried within. Mary: No need to remind me of that dark night. I shall never be free of its memory. Tituba: No. You cannot forget what you have never really known. Have you never asked yourself, never wondered what really happened that night, where the life that swelled your belly went? Nothing is created. Nothing is destroyed. All is only ever transformed. Open it. Mary: My child... lives? Tituba: For now, depending on your choice. Mary: This... this is some foul trick in order to control me. Tituba: No, you did not kll the child that night. You gave him to the Dark Lord we serve, and this child has been treasured like no other in a thousand years. He has lacked for nothing... Except his mother. Mary: [Voice breaking] What do you want from me? Tituba: Only what you have vowed to do. Complete the grand rite, and all shall be well. Mary: And if I do not? Tituba: A sacrifice deferred is yet more powerful... Especially a blood sacrifice. Mary: Hear me well, foul creature. You have manipulated me for the last time. I will complete your grand rite. But when it is done, I swear to you, you will pay. Tituba: We must all live without choices, Mary. You know that best of all. [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] Woman: Yes, it was. Isaac: He's gone. Captain Alden's missing. Was it you? Mary: I told you I would not let him hang. Isaac: Thank you, Mary. Thank you. It's beautiful. Mary: Yes. It is. Isaac: What is it? Mary: Death. Isaac: Oh. Mary: It's a bad thing, and it needs to go to a bad place. Isaac: Then I'm your man. Mary: Here. Isaac: That's a fortune. Mary: Several fortunes, actually... Far less than you deserve, sweet Isaac, for doing such a job. You can start a new life with it, one as good as your good heart deserves. Isaac: Thank you. Mary: Isaac, listen carefully. The most important thing is that, when you leave it, you keep going... Far away and quickly. Boston, New York, Virginia... Just keep going. And one more thing... On your way out of town, deliver this letter to Cotton Mather. Isaac: I shall never see you again, will I? Mary: No. No, I expect not. Isaac: That makes me very sad. Mm. Y-you and the Captain are the closest things to friends I ever had... Except for a horse I once knew, but she died. Mary: You shall buy a new horse, a whole team of them. And you shall make new friends. This is the land of second chances. Isaac: Like you and John Alden? W-will you get your second chance? Mary: Yes. Yes, I expect we will. [Dogs barking in distance] Mary: [Sighs] Increase: Who is here? Is it the whore of Babylon? Mary: Oh, dear Increase... So terribly right and so terribly wrong. Increase: I can see before my eyes how right I was. Your darkling glow burns brighter than ever... witch. Isaac: Sir. For you. Cotton: What is it? Isaac: No idea. Mrs. Sibley asked me to give it you. Now I must go, for the road is long, and... my legs are not. Increase: Tell me, exactly. How was I wrong? Mary: You thought love would be my undoing, that I would be in the woods with my lover, and you would kll me there without a trial, thus ending my grand rite. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: I will share with you the secret that you and your kind have sought in vain for centuries... Innocent blood. 13 innocent sacrifices, and when the last is spilled, our malum opens, unleashing the red death it contains within it. And yet, not once in the last 500 years have we succeeded... Until I came along and realized we needn't spill a single drop of innocent blood ourselves... Not when we had fearful and fanatical puritans all too ready to do it for us. So you gave us Giles Corey, Bridget bishop... The barkers, and others, and of course, those poor, deceived girls... Innocent blood by the buckets. And now here we are, night of full hunter's moon. 12 innocents dad, and only one more required before moonfall. Increase: Not if I kll you first. Mary: Oh, yes, kll the witch who began this grand rite, and you might yet avert the great death to come. Increase: Aah! [Groans] Mary: Good luck with that. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: Oh, Increase. You're gonna have to do so much better than that. But I will make you a promise. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: It will end here, in this room, right now. [Chuckles] John: [Panting] [Dogs barking] Militiaman: You there! Stop! [gn cocking] [Owl hooting] Isaac: You've done the right thing, Isaac... Taking such a load off her hand. Mary said to put it here in the old tree. [Panting] This ain't right. Oh, this ain't right. Any fool can feel that, even this fool. She said you were death. I'm gonna put you where the dad belong. Mary: You are no better than those you hunt. No, you're far worse. A witch, like a wolf, doesn't trture her sacrifice. Only priests and inquisitors do that. Increase: Perhaps you can convince yourself that there is scant difference between good and evil, but I know better. Mary: Did it ever occur to you that the dark power we gain is precisely that which you think you can expel from yourself? Increase: You know nothing, creature. Whatever happens here today only proves that what I believe... is true. [Both grunting] Cotton: Father! Father! Mary: [Voice breaking] Cotton. Thank God Isaac found you. Help me. Your father... he's gone mad! Cotton: Father, what have you done?! Increase: I? I've done nothing. This succubus has come to me. She's playing with your mind. She has put herself into that chair! Cotton: What?! How? Mary: He is a Devil. Oh, he's a mad Devil, sir! Cotton: Father, you said Mary Sibley was a witch. Increase: She is a witch. Cotton: Then why is she not in the woods, father, saving Captain Alden, as you said she would be?! Increase: I have no time for your idiotic question and less for your infernal doubt! Cotton: Your great plan has proven nothing! Now you resort to torturing an innocent woman to obtain some kind of false confession from her?! Increase: Are you too blind to see?! Look... she is not even there! She is a mere phantasm! Mary: Aah! Cotton: Father! Increase: She is a specter! Mary: Aah! [Crying] Cotton: Father, I fear you have lost your reason. Increase: And you, boy... You have never had any reason, you pathetic failure. This bitch dies now! Mary: No, please, no, no. Increase: [Groaning] Oh, oh, Cotton. Cotton. W-what have you done? You foolish boy. You... Cotton. Cotton. God. For God's sake... kll the witch. Cotton: I have klled him. I don't... I don't understand. How did it... How do you come to be here? Mary: He dragged me from my rooms. He was going to trture me... To death. [Gasping] Cotton: I must call for help. Mary: No. No, there's no help for it now. Cotton: But I must tell someone. I must tell someone what I've done. Mary: No. Cotton: I must tell someone what I've done! Mary: No, you would ruin your family... The very name of Mather. I will tell no one what he tried to do, nor what you did. But you must leave, Cotton. Go to Boston now, tonight, immediately. Cotton: What... what about him? Mary: Better they find him here after you are gone. They will think those that support Alden got to him... Or even witches. Now go! [Door opens, closes] Increase: [Gasping] Mary: Oh, dear Increase. I hope you're alive enough to know what an honor you've been granted. Increase: [Groaning] Mary: Oh, such an honor... To be our 13th victim. [Heart beating] Isaac: [Gasping] Mary: Our grand rite now is done. Blood-dim dawn now shall come. Powers of moon and sun ignite. All flesh trembles at the sight. 13 souls fed to hungry earth opens the way for our Dark Lord's birth. Mr. Hale: It's gn. I honestly didn't think Mary would be able to do it in the end. Anne: Mary? Mary Sibley? She is one of you? Mr. Hale: One of us? Oh, far more than that, dear. For better or worse, she is the first among us. Anne: She is behind all this? She, a witch, klled all those innocents, klled... Bridget, as a witch? Mr. Hale: Indeed, it was her idea to use the puritans to sacrifice themselves for us... An inspired, if dangerous idea. Anne: Why has the sun come out? What is going on outside? Mr. Hale: Death. Death is happening. Anne: Then why aren't you trying to stop it? Why are we in here, while outside, our friends and neighbors perish? Mr. Hale: It's too late for that. Now we can only wait and then tend to the survivors. Anne: Survivors? [Sniffles] I will have none of this. Whatever it is, I would rather be with those that suffer it, not those that perpetrate it. [Panting] Open the door. Mr. Hale: It is sealed. Only more blood will open it now. Anne: Open! Mr. Hale: I told you... only blood. Anne: Then my blood... Mr. Hale: Anne, stop! Stop! Mrs. Hale: No! Mr. Hale: Stop! Stop it! Anne: No! Let me out! Mr. Hale: I said stop it! Anne: I am not you. I am not like you. I am not a witch! Aah! Aah! Aah! I am not you! Aah! John: [Grunting] Militiaman: Off to meet thy maker. John: [Choking] Mary: Most agree the soul lingers for some time, very close to where the body lies. It sees and hears and feels keenly what happens. I'm glad of that... Glad you'll suffer through what's still about to happen. [Dogs barking in distance] How good of you to train these fine animals to lust for your own blood. It guarantees you the burial you deserve. The dogs will eat their fill of you and shit your remains out in the crags. Tituba: You did it, and soon, the red death will destroy Salem. Mary: No thanks to you. Tituba: I have been much help, I would say. And now I have even more to give. Come. [Birds cawing] Mercy: Now... Now... You see, children, only by klling the Rose will the queen of the night really become the queen of the night. Little did that mighty queen know that all her plans would be turned upside down. Yes, that wasn't really the true queen of the night who beheaded the Rose. That was me. I beheaded the Rose. [Chuckles] Though Mary Sibley knows it not yet, I am the queen of the night. And she will pay for what she's done. [Dogs snarling] [Bell tolling] Isaac: [Coughing] Mary: [Crying]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "01x13 - All Fall Down"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Man: Aah! John: This is my vow. I will come back for you. Tituba: George sibley drove John Alden off to die in the wr. What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you're pregnant with John's baby? Giles: Precious Salem caught up in a stinking witch panic. Mary: I was told you were klled. John: Was that before or after you married sibley? Tituba: What's John Alden compared to all that lies before you? Cotton: The Grand Rite, a ritual of death attributed to witches over the centuries. John: What do these witches want? Cotton: A country of their own. Mercy: I want to be just like you. Mary: All the world shall be yours. Dollie: Mercy! You said your master would protect us. Mercy: You have betrayed me. Increase: Alden is a traitor, and he is in love with a witch. John: You're one of them? Mary: Yes. Increase: Execute them on the spot. Mr. Hale: Tonight, there will be a plague released near Salem. Only those who carry the witch blood will be safe. Anne: I am not a witch! [Screams] Mary: It will end here. Cotton: Father! Mary: [Voice breaking] Cotton. Your father's gone mad! Increase: She dies now! Mercy: I am the Queen of the Night. And she will pay for what she's done. Mary: My child... lives? [Chickens clucking] Man: Hey! Stop! Get back here, boy! [Clucking continues] [Indistinct conversations] Stop! [Sheep bleats] [Animals bleating] [Dog barking in distance] [Object clatters, chicken clucks] [Man coughing] [Chicken clucking] Girl: don't go in there. Man: Who's down there? Girl: Death. [Ethereal, indistinct singing] [Doors creak] Man: [Breathing heavily] Woman: [In distance] ♪ And if that mockingbird don't sing ♪ ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ [Wings flutter] [Chicken squawks] [Grunts] [Chicken clucks] Woman: ♪ Mama's gonna buy you... ♪ Man: Boy. [Drum beating slowly] Woman: [Whimpers] The plague is among us. Man: Ma'am. Woman: [Groaning] [Drumbeats continue] Man: Aah! [Grunts] No! Aah! Aah! Woman: Help me. Man: Aah! Woman: [Strained] Help me! Man: [Screaming] Mary: ♪ Mother's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪ ♪ and if that looking glass gets broke ♪ ♪ mother's gonna buy you a black she-goat ♪ ♪ and if that black she-goat won't milk ♪ ♪ mother's gonna buy you a roll of silk ♪ You look like you've never had a lullaby before. Boy: The Widdershins don't like songs. Mary: Widdershins? Boy: They guarded me at night. Mary: Well, we'll soon change that. I shall sing to you every night. Tell me, dearest. Where were you all these years? Tell me. Tituba: Time's up. Come now, child. You'll see your mother again tomorrow. It's time to go home. Mary: This is his home. It's been three days, and I'm already tired of this arrangement. You're not taking my child from me. Boy: [Grunts] Mary: Tituba, make it stop. Tituba: Let him go, and it will. Mary: I will not be toyed with like this. They need to trust me. I am his mother. Tituba: The Elders want to make sure that you stay focused on the urgent tasks at hand. Mary: Have I not already done what none before me could accomplish? Including those decrepit, old shits in the woods? At this very moment, the witch pox decimates our enemies but cannot touch those of witch blood. I will close the curtain around Salem and begin the consecration of the land with hell-blood. The gate will open on time. Tituba: No one lacks Faith in your abilities. But what remains to be done cannot be done alone. You must shore up your support. Mercy, your own creation, is dangerously unstable and Anne Hale, an infinitely greater thrat. Mary: [Scoffs] That pallid blossom? Tituba: She is a cradle witch of the highest and oldest order. Come, child. Remember, time is not on our side. Mary: A month from now, every man, woman, and child in this cursed town will be dad by the pox or on our side. Tituba: You still think of John Alden. And you wonder why we don't trust you. Mary: I remember well what Rose told me. Only a broken heart can feel true malice. Watching you walk my son back into the darkness breaks it all over again every night. So, have no fear. My malice is in full bloom. And rest assured, you traitorous, little bitch, once they have tasted it, you will choke on it. [Insects chirping] You track the Indians. Your eyes are everywhere and can go anywhere. Petrus: What is it that you wish to see? Mary: I need to find John Alden. Petrus: Yes. I remember him. He was here once. Mary: But where is he now? I've heard all the reports. Scores of the militia who sought him found slaughtered with nary a trace of him. Petrus: Sit, Mistress. And give me your hands. Did you find what you were looking for? ["Cupid carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: I wonder if you even remember. Mercy: Remember what? Mary: What it feels like to sleep with your head on a pillow instead of a corpse. And your dress. Do you remember the feel of clean silk? Even your father never dressed you as poorly as this. Mercy: No, he thought nothing of my dressing. Only my undressing. Mary: We are all angry at someone, Mercy. But we can't let that control us. That would be to leave the whip in our oppressor's hand even after they're gone. Mercy: Wise words. And true. But forgive me, Lady, if I still cherish thoughts of revenge in my breast. Mary: Salem will be ours soon. Isn't that the best revenge? Mercy: Sometimes the best revenge is revenge. Mary: Mercy, I know you blame me for much. But it has always been I who protected you. And I still can if you would only pay proper respect to the Elders and to me. Mercy: You alone know the truth. That I, and not you, beheaded the Samhain witch. But I'm not greedy. I'm perfectly content to rule alongside you. As your equal. [Bird chirps] Mary: You know that will never happen, child. You are too reckless. Submit to your elders, myself included. And in the fullness of time, who knows what powers you might attain? Truly. I promise. Mercy: Like you promised John Alden? Mary: If you believe nothing else I say, girl, believe this. If you defy me, only horror awaits you... Unimaginable and infinitely painful. Hear me. That is no mere promise, but a curse. Eliot: Cotton Mather. Sent to Salem to see to the matter of a single, disturbed girl, you return here to Boston six weeks later leaving in your wake [Sighs] a full-blown witch panic, more than a dozen hangings, and apparently unbeknownst to you, the mrder of your own father. And even worse, these horrible deeds are all the work of the witch John Alden, according to some, your closest associate. Cotton: Indeed. I have much to answer for. But first I must say that whatever happened to my father, I cannot believe that John Alden had anything to do with it. Eliot: Then at least try to explain yourself. How did it come to this? Cotton: On the very night he landed in Salem, my father said to me that it were better 1,000 innocents die than a single witch walk free. I now believe that though my father was right about... about the nature of the thrat that hangs over all of us, he... he was entirely wrong in his moral mathematics. Somehow, d-despite or even because of our relentless efforts, the witches completed their dreaded Grand Rite. The wr is on. The battle has gn. And the front line is in Salem. Eliot: Cotton Mather. It is the elders' will that you shall, as your father intended, continue his work at the north Boston church. You are confined to Boston and... forbidden from returning to Salem. Woman: [Moaning] [Thunder rumbles] Cotton: Save me. Save us. And deliver us from our failures. Gloriana. Gloriana. Woman: Don't stop, my lord. don't stop. Oh! Ugh. Cotton: See yourself out, and help yourself to any food you may find in the kitchen on your way. [Sighs] [Breathing heavily] We know the truth, don't we, father? It wasn't John Alden who ran you through but me. Perhaps I should tell them how insane you'd become. [Thunder rumbles] How close to mrder you came. And what I did to save your soul from that condemnable sin. How is it you've always stared at me, father, but never saw me? Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes! Damn them straight to Hell! To Hell! [Grunts] [Indistinct conversations] Blacksmith: Blessed evening. Man: Good evening. Blacksmith: Good night. Woman: Ta! Blacksmith: [Sighs] Dollie: [Humming] Blacksmith: Now, the only women on the streets this time of night are whores or beggars. I ain't never seen a beggar smile. So, how much? Dollie: I don't want your money. I just want you. Blacksmith: [Chuckles] Dollie: Come with me. Someplace we won't be seen. [Insects chirping] Blacksmith: Where we going? Dollie: You'll see. [Laughs] Dollie: Just come with me a little... Blacksmith: Leave me alone! Dollie: A little bit further. Blacksmith: No, no. Hey! Dollie: Shh. Shh. Mm. Blacksmith: Mm. Oh. Dollie: It's just my sisters. [Chuckles] Mm. Blacksmith: [Panting] Dollie: [Chuckles] Blacksmith: Oh, god. Both: [Moaning softly] [Gasps] Mercy Lewis! You witch! Stay away from me. No. No, you let me go. I'll tell them all. I'll tell them all. I'll tell them all you're here and what you're doing. Mercy: Really? And what are you gonna tell them? That you dragged a poor girl to the woods to steal her maidenhood? Blacksmith: No. Mercy: Some crazy bitch stole your manhood? Blacksmith: [Screams] Mercy: [Chuckles] [Raven squawking] I control you now. Blacksmith: [Grunts] Mercy: Go home. You will say nothing of this because you can say nothing of this. And one day, maybe tomorrow night, maybe 1,001 nights from now, I will call you. Yes. And you will do as you are told. Man: Make way! Move back. Make way! Make way. [Cart rattling] Move away. Move back! Make way! Anne: [Breathing heavily] [Gasps] [Gasps] Mary: It's your own life force, Anne. Deep down, beneath the guilt, you want to live. I know you klled your parents, Anne. It's time to face what you really are. Anne: No. I may bear certain unasked-for traits, but that does not make me a witch. I am not one of you. Mary: You know nothing of me. Anne: I don't want to know. Mary: I, too, came into my powers in the wake of great and painful loss. And I remember what it was first like to feel my body from within like a fever in the blood, that I could now do things, do things with words, with gestures. Anne: There is nothing I care to learn from you. Mary: No? You have yet to feel the terror that slowly becomes fascination and eventually joy as you learn to take in the life force in all the creatures around us, turning the power within it, directing it as you will, into another person... Or into, say, a doll. Do you remember when I gave you a little doll that very nearly squeezed the life out of you? Anne: That was you. [Gasps] Mary: I can teach you to control that. If you allow me in and you come in with us, with me, your eyes and heart and body will open to a truly new world. Anne: How can you hope to build a new world on the corpses of the innocents who live in this one? Mary: There is no world new or old not founded on bones and blood. Imagine a world free of the violent hypocrisy and oppression of the puritans, a new world that celebrates the power of nature, freedom of thought, belief, and feeling. This is our chance. A moment when the future of this land is utterly in doubt. You and I may have different methods, Anne, but the life you dream of is the very one I'm fighting for. Anne: But at what price? [Sniffles] You, all of you, even my father, sold your souls to the devil himself. Mary: Neither the world, the flesh, nor the devil himself is like a puritan suit in only black and white. All is gray. And the devil they fear is not the devil I know. Either way, you had best be careful. You are an orphaned female, naked and vulnerable in a world of predatory men, many of whom would be glad to take your father's fortune and your virginity. I would be happy to extend to you the protection I receive from Mr. Sibley until you should find a man of your own to lend you a name and some standing. Anne: And why would you want to help me? Mary: We have both known loss. Profound loss. But we are of the same family. And to heal those losses, we must work together. Anne: [Voice breaking] But what will we say about my parents? Mary: Just clean yourself up, and show up at the meeting house. [Bell tolling] [Indistinct conversations] This is not the time to fall into despair. Yes, since the discovery of this awful pox in Knocker's Hole, four more households have been felled. And not all of them in that downtrodden place. Good homes in fine neighborhoods are not immune, and none of us are safe. This scourge has taken our own Magistrate Hale and his loving wife, leaving behind their sorrowful daughter, Anne. But we can and will protect ourselves from the ravages of this pox. It may require some sacrifices, some strictures. But these are small prices to pay. Hathorne: [Scoffs] Absurd. Man 1: Why's that? Man 2: Speak. Hathorne: I submit to my fellow select men and citizens that there is an entirely other way of viewing our dreadful circumstances. God has given us a clear sign that we have offended him. A pox on all our houses. Now we must do whatever is necessary to win back the Lord's favor. Mary: And presumably, Mr. Hathorne, you know what God's will is. What is it that has offended him so? Hathorne: I am quite certain what god is most displeased with. But what is a surer sign of a world turned upside-down than a world with a woman on top? [All talking at once] We have utterly upended the most fundamental principle of how things are to be, which is led by men... Men of property, men of substance, men of godly goodwill. But above all, by men. Man: Hear, hear! Mary: My husband... Hathorne: N... Let us be done with that. Mrs. Sibley, until George may speak for himself, clearly and audibly as a man, let us at least admit it is you, Mrs. sibley, who lead the select men of Salem. [Spectators murmur] I submit it is high time that the select men of Salem either elect a new leader or explicitly affirm that they choose to be led by Mary Sibley under the name of her incapacitated husband, George. [All talking at once] Samuel: If you think this pox cares whether you be led by a woman or a man, you will all die. [Spectators murmur] The pox no more discriminates by sex than a lion prefers to eat a man or a woman. Though like a lion, it may take the weakest first. And I have just been to where your weakest reside, in wretched Knocker's Hole. I had hoped to give them more voice here than they obviously have, but I find you all consumed with petty politics. I'm headed back there now to see what can be done. Mary: Well said, Sir. Well said. It is high time this board made it clear that however abject they may be and whether they pray at meeting or not, the least among us is our responsibility, too. I shall accompany you to see how they fare and to show our support. Why, this woman is not afraid to walk into the den of plague for our people. Would you care to join me, Sir? Samuel: The worst afflicted are this way. In my experience, the difference between a plague terrorizing a town and destroying it is a matter of days. Hold there. Mary: Tell me, Sir. Who are you to speak with such confidence of the pox? Samuel: A doctor, Ma'am, with royal certification. I've walked through many poxes. I survived the plague as a child, and I believe I can save all of you. Not by prayer, not by repentance, not by fasting, nor by purging your community of undesirables, witches, or powerful women, but, in a word, by science. Seal and mark that door. Mary: Your arrival here could not be more fortuitous. I think you might be God's gift to Salem. Samuel: [Chuckles] Mary: That's a very old-world affectation. Samuel: Well, I think despite all the progress in new thinking, we are less advanced in other ways. After all, England achieved its greatest heights a century ago under a woman... Queen Bess. And yet over here, men like your Mr. Hathorne still doubt the value of a strong woman. And I think perhaps, Mrs. Sibley, you are like the Queen Elizabeth of Salem. Mary: Are you as adept at the new science as you are the old flattery? Samuel: I am. And I'm determined to cure this pox before it spreads any further. Mary: And what is it you think you can do? Samuel: Well, to begin with, find its origin, for in the beginning of things is often to be found their end. Good day. Sooleawa: Hell. [Speaks native language] Hell. Shaman: Hell. John: Do I have your protection? [Rooster crows] Mary: Why, you look like a man poring over a pirate's treasure map. Samuel: [Chuckles] And if I find what I seek, it may be a great treasure, indeed. These are all the cases of the pox I've encountered or heard of. My tracking of where outbreaks and incidents have been reported may point directly to the place the pox must have started. [Paper rustles] I intend to go there to the north woods. And finding the point or place of origin may lead me to some answers as to how this outbreak began. Mary: Those are deep woods, Sir. Even locals fear to trek there. Samuel: Ah. Terra incognita. Well, I live for unexplored territory. And in my experience, often the most fearsome landscapes are hiding the most succulent gardens. Mary: Very well. Godspeed. Samuel: Deep woods, indeed. Mercy: But let me show you. In just a few days, I have claimed control of six men to do my bidding. But I should be running the Hive! It is I, not Mary Sibley, who should run... But... but I have worked so... Elder witch: [Spits] Mercy: That was a mistake. Elder witches: [Hissing] Isaac: [Moaning] Is this it? Have I passed over? Did I make it to Heaven? Or am I in hell? Samuel: Neither Heaven nor Hell, Sir. Merely Salem. Isaac: Oh. Samuel: [Grunting] [Knock on door] Cotton: [Sighs] [Glasses clatter] Eliot: Uh, forgive me the late hour, Mather, but I felt that some of my questions might be better asked in private. When exactly was the last time you saw your father? Cotton: Um... earlier on the day I left. He felt quite certain that he and his militia would lay their hands upon John Alden, and he felt that his flock here in Boston had suffered without a Shepherd for far too long. So, he sent me back to prepare for his own return. Eliot: I see. Though, of course, he never did. Cotton: What? Eliot: Return. Cotton: No. Eliot: What do you think it says that he sent you back just when he was about to attempt to capture the witch? It doesn't exactly show a lot of confidence. Cotton: We argued. Yes, as one does. [Chuckling] Eliot: I don't recall ever arguing with my father. I certainly never raised my voice. It would have felt to me like striking him. Cotton: Trust me. If either of us was likely to bolster words with blows, it would have been my father, not me. Eliot: Are you saying that your father struck you? Cotton: I'm sure no more than was necessary for my proper upbringing. Now, if you haven't any further questions, it's getting quite late. Eliot: Yes, of course. And as you are confined to Boston, if we have any need of further inquiry, we certainly know just where to find you. [Door opens, closes] [Men shouting indistinctly] Cotton Mather knows nothing. Von Marburg: But is it clear that Increase is dad? Truly and definitely dad? Eliot: Oh, yes. Most definitely dad. Von Marburg: I suppose that is something to celebrate. That man had a grip like none other. Were it not so, I would not carry this mark, and I would have done in Marburg some time ago what they whisper has been achieved in Salem. Eliot: Mather understands enough to know that a Grand Rite was undertaken. But he has no idea who was actually leading it nor who klled his father, though he seems quite certain it was not this John Alden. Von Marburg: But this is what I want to know. Who is it that led the Grand Rite? Eliot: Well, to answer that, your Grace, I believe we must go to Salem ourselves. Von Marburg: I am sorry, Mr. Eliot, that you will not be accompanying me and my son to Salem. Your work for me is done. But in recompense... [Water sloshing] I invite you to stop averting your gaze... and stare directly. [Water draining] Eliot: [Choking] Samuel: [Sighs] Mrs. Sibley. Given your concern for the city, I wanted you to be the first to know I have found him. Isaac: [Moaning softly] Man: [Coughing in distance] Mary: I see you've found our Isaac. Samuel: He is quite possibly the savior of Salem. Mary: Oh? Samuel: He holds the key. I found him at the very epicenter of the plague. Mary: And how does that aid us? Samuel: Well, he's showing remarkable resistance to the pox. Some property in his blood may well provide the key to protecting other people. And if he lives, he will tell us what happened to him and how he came to be in the woods. He will point directly to the origin and source of the pox itself. Mary: Well, let us pray he survives. That was my mother's. I never met her, but my father gave it to me when I was about your age. And this, her comb. It's made from the shell of a great sea creature from some far-off island in the west indies. don't know much about my mother. Or my father, for that matter. They were taken from me too young. I want it to be different for you. Boy: Tell me. Mary: What? Boy: About my father. Mary: Your father. He is... was the very best of men. I loved him more than anything. But he is dad. And now all my love is reserved for you. Boy: And what was his name? Mary: John. Boy: They won't let me have a name. Not until I'm baptized. But if I could, I would like to be John, too, like him. Mary: And so you shall be, little John. Elder witch: [Screaming] Mary: What's wrong? Boy: They're dad. [Footsteps approaching] They're dad. They're dad. Mary: What's going on? Boy: They're dad. Tituba: Mercy Lewis k*lled our witches. True witches. The Elders. [Crowd shouting] [Bell tolling]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x01 - Cry Havoc"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Cotton: The witches completed their dreaded Grand Rite. Boy: Tell me about my father. Mary: I loved him more than anything. But he is dad. Eliot: Cotton Mather. You are confined to Boston and... Forbidden from returning to Salem. Mary: It's time to face what you really are. Anne: There is nothing I care to learn from you. Samuel: I have found him. He is quite possibly the savior of Salem. Von Marburg: Who is it that led the Grand Rite? Eliot: To answer that, we must go to Salem ourselves. John: Do I have your protection? Cotton: The wr is on. Mary: If you defy me, only horror awaits you. Cotton: The battle has gn. Mercy: It is I, not Mary Sibley, who... Elder witch: [Spits] Cotton: And the front line is in Salem. Tituba: Mercy Lewis klled our witches. True witches. The Elders. Mary: Courage, men. This is our ultimate battle. We have every reason to believe the crags are the last refuge of the Salem witches. For the sake of all our people, your wives and children, it's clear what must be done. We end it here. [Horse whinnies] Man: Again! Again! [Grunts] [Women screaming] Mary: Witches! Suffer not one to survive and torment us more! kll them! kll them all! [Screaming continues] [Screaming, gn continue] Mary: You wanted wr. Now taste wr. ["Cupid carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: We are the people of Salem, God's chosen people, given this land on which to build a new world of Faith and freedom. But even God's gifts come at a price. A dreadful price. Mercy Lewis and the daughters of Salem fell under the devil's tragic influence. You all saw what they did last night... Slaughtered two old, innocent beggars from the outskirts of town, hung and brned like animals on the stocks. An act of wr on all of us. I weep for our lost children. But such are the casualties of this wr on witches. We must be willing to bear any burden, pay any price. It is up to us what kind of land this shall be. A Heaven on earth... Or a Hell. Witch blood fall, black earth rise. Hear my call, make me wise. Time foretell for me alone when all mankind, its sins atone. Tituba: Pretty words, but as you well know, words without blood are nothing but air. Mary: For once, cease your shriking, harpy. I am mistress of blood as well as words. Observe this exquisite movement. See here. This is the clock... The clock of the doom that hangs over Salem, over the puritans, over this whole land. Tituba: And over you, too, should you fail. Know that you shall never truly possess that boy as your own son if you do not complete the Great Task. Mary: Save your breath. I have already sown the witch seeds, and today the plague bodies begin to be dumped into the crags to await their transformation. The comet will soon Blaze overhead, terrifying all for only three nights. By the time it passes in fiery glory, the crags will be filled with hell-blood, the gate will open, and our dark lord at last incarnates. For once, lay aside all your suspicions and grudges, my dark sister. Exult. We have long lain in their grim gutters, but our eyes have always remained on the stars above. And now our time is at hand. Tituba: Indeed, you have done marvelously well. But there remains one flaw in your gem. Mary: [Sighs] And what is that? Tituba: Against all judgment, you entrusted the Malum to that idiot Isaac. And now he is near awakening and will most likely tell your handsome doctor exactly how this pox began. You must fix it... for good. [Man coughs] Wainwright: On the one hand, the news is almost all grim. The number of victims increases exponentially. At this rate, there may not be anyone alive here in a fortnight. Mary: "Almost all grim"? That sounds entirely grim. Wainwright: Uh, yes. But then there is your Isaac. He is finally conscious. Mary: And what says he? Wainwright: Well, so far, only one word. "Mary." Mary: Isaac and I are childhood friends. It's true. May I see him? Wainwright: Certainly. This way. I hope the sight of you will revive him sufficiently to tell us what we so desperately need to know... How he first encountered this dreadful pox. Mary: Dr. Wainwright, might I have a quiet moment alone with him first? It might help. Wainwright: Of course. [Bottler stopper pops] [Man coughs] Isaac: Mary. [Breathing heavily] Is that you? Mary: Yes, sweet Isaac. It is I. Isaac: [Crying] I'm so sorry. Mary: Sorry? What on earth for? Isaac: It's all my fault. Mary: Calm yourself, Isaac. What's your fault? Isaac: All this. All of this death. See, at the last moment, I lost Faith. I didn't do as you told me. If I did as you said, perhaps none of this would've happened. Mary: Hush, now. What's done is done. And it was wrong of me to put you in such danger. Let us never speak of this again. To anyone. Isaac: As you say, I will do. [Breathing heavily] Please... a drink. A drink. Mary: I'm so sorry, Isaac. Rest here. Let me get you a fresh glass of water. Boy: [Humming "hush, little baby"] [Stops humming] George: [Breathing heavily] Boy: [Resumes humming] George: [Grunts] [Groaning] [Grunts] [Whimpers] [Whimpering] Tituba: Now, what do you think you're doing? Boy: Playing, ma'am. Tituba: Well, we must all have our amusements. But do not let your mother catch you at such playing, understand? Boy: Yes, ma'am. Anne: Mr. Hathorne. Hathorne: Greetings, my dear girl. Anne: How may I help you? Hathorne: It is I who am here to help you. Anne: Oh, I thank you for whatever kindness you may intend, but I'm rather busy at present. [InHales sharply] [Sighs] Hathorne: No one can replace your father, either in your life, or the life of the community. But someone must try. Anne: Sugar? Hathorne: No. Thank you. Your father was a most impressive man. How far he rose during his years here in Salem. After all, he alone of the senior selectmen was not a founder. Anne: No. He came here only after some years in the west indies. Hathorne: I envy your father his grit. He is... was... What they are now calling a "self-made man." [Chuckling] Whatever that may mean, given that we are all made by God. [Chuckles] But still, uh, impressive, and wise, too, to have made a fortune. I don't know any Hales back in old England. Do you know your ancestors? Anne: No. Uh, my father was the only one of his family to... make the crossing. Hathorne: Ah, I see. Too bad. Family is everything. And a tall family tree, planted with deep roots, blessed with wide, plentiful branches, is the best guarantor of a successful life. So, with no cousins, the task of preserving and expanding your father's fortune falls on your lovely but narrow shoulders. Anne: I suppose so. Hathorne: It's a dangerous world for an orphan girl. Filled with predators who would take your fortune and your innocence. In whom you place your trust and your troth will be the most important decision of your life. And I trust, when the time comes, you will make the correct one. [Coughs] Oh, e-excuse me. [Breathing heavily] The air is rather dry today. [Dishes rattling] I should go. I shall return for you, my dear. Anne: [ExHales deeply] [Breathing heavily] [Blacksmith hammering] Excuse me. Where are those coaches headed? Man: Boston, Jamestown, New York. Anne: I'd like to purchase passage to... Man: May I see your travel permit? Anne: Since when does one need a permit to travel? Man: Sorry, miss. New orders from the selectmen. Part of the quarantine effort. You'll need to apply to them or Mrs. Sibley for a permit. Anne: [Sighs] [Horse whinnies] Tituba: Miss Hale? Anne: Did she send you to stop me? Tituba: She? Oh, no. Our mistress has no idea that I'm here. Anne: She may be your mistress, but none of mine. Tituba: That would be a mistake, miss Hale. You really must learn the virtue of patience. Anne: You speak to me of virtue? I detest everything she and you stand for, everything you're doing... Turning this town into a pit of death, seizing powers never intended. I want nothing from her or you. Tituba: In truth, I share your discomfort at some of her actions. But for the time being, stay still and learn from her. Anne: I cannot bear it! I must get out of this place! Tituba: But where would you go? Anne: Away. Anywhere but here. Tituba: Well, you know where to find me, and I you. [Rattling in distance] [Rattling continues] Anne: [Whimpering] [Gasps] [Indistinct conversations] [Horse whinnies] Cotton: Miss Hale? What on heaven and earth are you doing here? (Whooshing) [Birds chirping] Petrus: The ranters are right. This is the end of the world, and the dad walk. John: I was told a friend of the Indians lives in these woods. Petrus: And so he does. John: Who are you? Petrus: Some call me Petrus. John: Petrus? Yes. I remember that name. Are you a witch? Petrus: Whatever I may be, I have been much engaged on your behalf. I showed Mary Sibley your funeral. John: So you're on our side. Petrus: A circle has no sides. Come. Alive or dad, you are still the most wanted man in the colony. Man: Bring out the dad! Bring out the dad! Bring out the dad! Woman: [Crying] My dear husband. [Indistinct conversation] Wainwright: I'm sorry, but we must take him. Rev. Lewis: How dare you? I have sent diggers to prepare a resting place for him. You have no business taking him! Wainwright: Reverend Lewis, these bodies must be removed from the town. It is far too dangerous to keep them within the village. Hathorne: Where would you take them? Hathorne: Mary Sibley informed me that you have a place outside of town where you sometimes dispose of bodies? Hathorne: The crags? Wainwright: Sir, it is a matter of the health of the entire community. Rev. Lewis: You may have dedicated yourself to the health of the citizens, but I am responsible for their souls! Mary: Gentlemen. It is precisely this degree of argument and dissension, in full view of a public that look to us for unity, that is the most dangerous of all. Hathorne: Did you order that all bodies... Puritan, good men and good women... Be dumped into the crags like slaves and common criminals without the benefit of prayer or service? Mary: Mr. Hathorne, these are extraordinary times with extraordinary dangers. And they call for extraordinary measures. Wainwright: We would do best if all those who fall to the pox were interred some distance from the center of town and farther away from the waterfront and the well, lest they aid in the spread of the pox. [Man grunts] [Woman wheezing] Petrus: I'm glad, at least, they didn't send you back unarmed. I sense them, your tools of power. A witch dagger to kll, a moonstone to see, and a medicine bag to be unseen. It hurts to hide. I should know. I've been hiding my whole life. John: How many witches in Salem? Petrus: How many thorns on a rose? One hundred is not enough if you wish to protect the flower, and one is too many. John: How many?! Petrus: [Sighs] What matter the exact number? John: Because I intend to kll every last one of them, so it'd be helpful to know how many and their names. Petrus: But the names I know, you know. Mary Sibley, Tituba, Magistrate Hale. John: Who else? Petrus: I cannot say. John: Then what good are you to me? Petrus: No man knows his own worth. But I will tell you that there is one less witch in Salem since you left. Hale is dad. John: How? Petrus: Wrong question. John: And the right question is? Petrus: What now? John: You need to start talking or you'll be deaf as well as blind. Petrus: Salem will need a new magistrate soon. John: So? What do I care for puritan politicking? Petrus: Mary Sibley is determined to place another of her hive in that powerful position. John: Find out who Mary Sibley is backing for magistrate and I find the next witch in line. [Chuckles] Petrus: [Gurgling] [Indistinct conversations] [Thunder rumbles] Cotton: There. It's good to see you can still smile, miss Hale. So, tell me, what brings you to Boston? Is your father in town on business? Anne: My father... [Sobbing] [Wind howling] [Window lock clicks] Cotton: Dear miss Hale, what is it? Anne: [Crying] My father and my mother... Both dad. Cotton: dad? Anne: From the pox. Cotton: The pox? Salem is gripped by pox? Anne: It is as if the Angel of Death himself has descended upon the town. Cotton: A pox. Is this it? Anne: What? Cotton: The Malum. Evil unleashed. The apple opened. The witches' Grand Rite. Anne: I don't understand. Cotton: I feared something like this. They wouldn't listen. But a pox... ha! This they can't ignore. They must do something. Anne: "They"? What about you? You must do something. Cotton: Me? I am... I am banned from even speaking about Salem. I'm explicitly forbidden by the elders from returning. Perhaps in a month or two they will reconsider and relent. Anne: We do not have months. We may not have weeks. I fear all will be dad by then. Please, Reverend Mather... Cotton: "Cotton." I think after all we've been through, you may now... call me Cotton. Anne: Cotton... Please return to Salem. Cotton: Even if I could, what use? Everything I did turned to dust or... or worse. Simply put, miss Hale, I'm a failure. Anne: Back in Salem, it was my doubts soothed by your calm confidence. It pains me to find you sunk in doubt. Cotton: Since the incidents in Salem... And my father's death, I... I doubt everything. I've even gn to doubt the existence of witches. Anne: No. Never doubt there are witches. Cotton: Miss Hale... Anne... Has something else happened? I mean to you? You know you may tell me anything. [Knock on door] Countess! This is a day of surprises. What brings you here? [Door closes] Von Marburg: Cheese, wine, pork, and sausages. A bachelor alone rarely feeds himself properly. Though I find you not nearly alone as I expected. Cotton: Countess Palatine Ingrid Von Marburg, may I present Anne Hale, newly arrived from Salem. Von Marburg: [Gasps] From Salem. Oh, my dear... my poor dear. You must tell us everything... Everything. [Thunder rumbles] [Echoing] It's so hard to believe any of it. Who could imagine such horrors? I thought I smelled a witch in Boston. Anne: [Gasps] Where am I? Von Marburg: Within. Anne: Within? Within what? Von Marburg: Your soul. Anne: [Breathing heavily] Who are you? Von Marburg: Oh, my dear, I have had so many names. Hecate, Medea, Báthory are just a few. I'm the Swallower of Souls, she who flowers from her own wounds. I'm the last of the first, the last of the true witches. Anne: What do you want with me? Von Marburg: To help you discover your true nature. Your bright light has been buried 'neath the coal of half-wit half-breeds of the so-called Essex witches. Imagine my surprise to find that, of all the hives that survive, it is weak-blooded Essex witches who have done the undoable... Complete our Grand Rite. What I want to know... Anne: [Gasps] Von Marburg: Is who. Anne: Who? Von Marburg: Oh, yes. Who, my little owl. Who amongst the Essex hive has initiated the Grand Rite? Anne: I don't know. Von Marburg: Oh, do not lie to me. Ever. There could be no greater error than that. You do know, and you will tell me. Anne: No, I do not know, truly. I know nothing of the witches. I-I didn't even know I was one. Von Marburg: Oh, no, I see that now. You do not even know what it is that you do know. I am deeply desirous of knowing who it was that performed the Grand Rite. My own triumph was stolen by that pestiferous, pus-headed kller, Increase Mather. Anne: You know Increase Mather? Von Marburg: Oh, he and I danced a lively jig, and neither of us left it unmarked. I will tell you all my stories sometime. But it's not about me now. It's about you. Anne: Me? What have I to do with... anything? Von Marburg: You are uniquely placed because of your heritage. Your father did not tell you the whole truth, did he? Well, you must ask him. Ask him who you truly are. You are no mere Essex witch any more than he. Anne: I cannot ask him. Von Marburg: Why? Anne: He is dad. Von Marburg: Well, do not weep for him. We must all mrder our fathers and mothers. This is the way. Anne: How did you know I... Von Marburg: Child, you have so much to learn. I almost envy you the long path to endarkenment that you must walk. When you learn to talk to your father again where he is, then you will be ready to hear what he can tell you. In the meantime, weep no more unless it is to bring the rain. We will meet again, little owl, and soon. Until then, tell no one that we have met. Their time for knowing me is not yet. And trust me, I will know if you have told anyone. And things will not go lightly for you. [Thunder rumbles] We are just dying to hear your opinion. Do bring miss Hale to dine. Sebastian is most anxious to meet you. And I know he will be thrilled to make miss Hale's acquaintance as well. We're all going to be such friends, I just know it. [Water splashing] John: [Breathes deeply] [Neck snaps] [Water splashes] [Insects chirping] Mary: [Gasps] Wainwright: Good lord. Mrs. Sibley. W-what are you doing here? Mary: I could ask you the same question. I live directly opposite and have known this house to be long unoccupied. When I saw movement, I... Wainwright: I knew you were strong and smart but never suspected how brave... To confront a potential robber alone. Mary: Well, to be frank, I thought it might be the previous occupant, a man I've known all my life and never had cause to fear. Wainwright: Well, then you were even braver, as I am told the previous occupant was none other than the notorious king of the witches. Perhaps, like me, you doubt the very existence of such things as witches. Mary: No, I'm quite sure of the reality and thrat of witches. I never could believe John Alden was one. But how come you to be here? Wainwright: Well, Mr. Hathorne told me the house was empty and seized on account of, well, witchcraft and that I might as well use it myself. Do you have some objection or perhaps some attachment to the house yourself? I surely would do nothing to offend you, of all people. Mary: No. Uh, Mr. Hathorne was, for once, quite correct. Wainwright: You do not like Mr. Hathorne? Mary: No more than he likes me. Wainwright: Hathorne seems simply unmanned by a strong woman such as yourself. Mary: Hm. And you are not? Wainwright: Science teaches what the poets always knew... Woman is not only man's equal, but his superior. Mary: Really? In what way? Wainwright: Well, the most important... Her capacity to endure pain. Even the frailest woman can take far greater pain than the strongest man. I've delivered too many babies to doubt that. Trust me... If men had to deliver a child from an opening in their body that small, the earth would be a cold, dad place. You look like one who's known pain intimately. Perhaps in this very room? Mary: My pain, like my body, is mine alone. You'd do well to remember that. Good night, Dr. Wainwright. [Door opens] [Door closes] Anne: But where will you sleep? Cotton: Oh, I have never slept in this room. It was my father's, and I find, even in his absence, I am much more comfortable in my old room. Anne: You will come to Salem, won't you? Cotton: Lord knows what the elders will do. Banish me, excommunicate me. But yes, I will return to Salem. Anne: Thank you... Cotton. [Indistinct shouting in distance] Sebastian: What did she taste like, mother? Von Marburg: Like lemons and honey. Like strawberry and sugar. Like innocence. Sebastian: I can still taste the honey. Von Marburg: Well, nothing lingers like innocence. Sebastian: And what did you learn from your kiss, beyond the sweet taste of her lips? Von Marburg: All she knew but didn't know she knew. Most importantly, that the Grand Rite was led by one Mary Sibley. Sebastian: I would have thought it was her father. Von Marburg: Oh, no. Hale was a charming and cultured man but wasn't capable of leading the Grand Rite. He was a survivor and carried always a survivor's guilt and fear. He never would have taken the risk. Ah, but this Mary Sibley... She must be something very special indeed. Not content to survive, she would thrive. Sebastian: Oh, Mama, i am fascinated already. When shall we meet her? Von Marburg: Soon, darling, soon. But we must tread carefully. We are no more welcome amongst the gutter hives than we are amongst the puritans. And if we were to be recognized prematurely, it might be an awkward and bloody thing. Sebastian: You never mind the blood, mother. Von Marburg: No. But like a good carpenter, I prefer to measure twice and cut once. So let us take the measure of this Mary Sibley before we go to Salem. Sebastian: As always, your beauty is exceeded only by your prudent wisdom. I nearly forgot. I brought you a present. Von Marburg: [Gasps] Girl: [Whimpering] Von Marburg: Oh, what a thoughtful son! Now, what did I do to deserve you? Sebastian: Only everything, Mama. Only everything. Girl: [Whimpering] Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Boo. [Liquid bubbling] Mary: Voilà, George. The results of an excellent day's work. With the first bodies being delivered to the crags, we are well under way. You people have no idea what's coming for you. You are so dim, with no more understanding of the celestial movements than ants have. We witches have always understood the skies and known how to predict what is coming. And what is coming is death for all of you and a new life for us. [Woman wheezing] Mary: The comet will be here soon. Our plague turns your d*ad bodies into Wells of hell-blood. The crags will be filled when the comet passes over. Well, then you puritans will be right for once. The comet really will be a portent of doom... Your doom. All of your dooms. [Door rattles] Tituba: Well done, mistress. Well done. As a reward, you shall have a small taste of the maternal intimacies you may expect when your tasks are complete. Come. [Wheezing continues] Mary: Soon, child. Soon we shall be together every day and every night and nevermore be parted. Boy: When, mother? Mary: When all my work is complete. And all the world shall be yours. [Smooches] Rev. Lewis: [Muttering indistinctly] [Door opens] Mercy: [Hoarsely] Father... [Wheezing] Your baby's home.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x02 - Blood Kiss"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mary: Witches! kll them all! Mercy: [Screams] Mercy: [Hoarsely] Father... your baby's home. Dollie: I would do anything for you. Mercy: You'll be the means of my vengeance. Mary: Hathorne wonders if you really came to town to cure the plague. Wainwright: I seek the seat of the soul. Mary: And where is it? Wainwright: I believe it's right about here. I'll try and be gentle. Mary: Don't bother. Von Marburg: The last of the true witches. Anne: I know nothing of the witches. I didn't even know I was one. Von Marburg: We will meet again, little owl. Petrus: I sense them, your tools of power. A witch dagger to kll, a moon stone to see, and a medicine bag to be unseen. Be careful with that one. Mary: The role of magistrate cannot fall to an un-sympathetic foe. It must be a witch. Tituba: Corwin is nowhere to be found. Whoever is out there, they are targeting us. Mary: [Breathing heavily] In my own home. My own bathtub. How is it possible? Tituba: Someone wants to kll you. First Corwin, now you. Mary: No. No, I was helpless in its horrid grip, like a mouse would be in mine. No, if it wanted me dad, I would be dad. Tituba: What, then? A warning? Mary: Who in the hive has the power to challenge me? Tituba: No one. Whether you know it or not, I have never done anything that was not in your best true interests. Yet your anger and mistrust prevents you from heeding my warnings. Mary: [Sighs] Oh, warnings. Tituba: I told you long ago to eliminate mercy. But you let her live long enough to do us real and permanent damage. Now, I tell you again. Do not ignore the very real danger that Anne Hale poses. Mary: I have no fear of her. Tituba: By the time you do, it will be too late. She has returned from Boston. And her power comes on fast... faster even than yours did. It is wiser to drown her now while still a kitten. Do not wait to face the full force of her claws. Mary: We can do nothing until we know who it is who seeks to attck us. I will deal with Anne Hale. Go to Petrus. His many eyes must have seen something. [Knfe clatters] ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Collector: Bring out your dad! Bring out your dad! Man: Excuse me! I have one in here, but I'm too weak to lift him. Please help. Collector: All right. Back away from the door. [Flies buzzing] Selectman Corwin? [Grunts] Alden: Bring out your dad! Bring out your dad! Hathorne: ... Very heart of our Puritan America... to judge our own cases. The Reverend Cotton Mather returneth. Like a dog to its vomit. Cotton: Appalling. How can you keep prisoners in such conditions? Hathorne: Well, perhaps you'd care to donate some of your father's estate to help pay for the cost of building larger and more sanitary holding cells for accused witches. What are you doing here anyway? I'd heard you'd been admonished not to interfere any further with Salem's affairs. Cotton: Salem's affairs are every man's affairs. But in fact, I come as a family friend to offer solace and spiritual advice to Anne Hale. Hathorne: [Chuckles] Well, truly, sir, if you had any concern for her well-being, surely the kindest thing you could do would be to stay miles away from her. I'm sure her father would... Cotton: Her father would be appalled at how you fill his shoes as magistrate. Hathorne: I am magistrate now, and I will deal with prisoners as I see fit. Really, Mather. You're not needed here. Salem is almost as sick of witch hunters as it is of witches. Anne: How dare you summon me like an errant child? Mary: Such a big menace for just a small girl. Anne: I am neither menace nor a girl. Mary: No? There was an incident last night outside one of the checkpoints into Salem. One man klled, another man frightened witless. Anne: I intended none of that. It just happened. Mary: You are like a keg of gn ready to explode. I'm afraid I've made my decision. I simply cannot allow you to live on like this in Salem. [Door closes] [Pounding on door] Anne: No. You let me out. You cannot... Mary: I can. Child, I could kll you 100 ways. I will not lie. Others have urged me to do just that. And I am fully prepared to cut your candle short. Anne: What do you want? Mary: Merely to help you be you. I know you find it hard to believe, but I hold no malice against you. Anne: And yet you would kll me 100 ways. Mary: As I would a savage untrained dog. But first, I might try to train it. And if that dog would accept the muzzle, then I might find that it no longer posed a thrat to every innocent that passed by, may even become a... trusted companion. Anne: Death or submission. Mary: Or alliance. Anne: How do I begin? Mary: There is no magic without... arousal. Just relax. Close your eyes. Shh. Now imagine someone. A man, perhaps. You may know him. His breath in your ear. His hands on you. His lips on your neck. Anne: [Gasps] Mary: Come. I have something for you. Your book of shadows. Some books are made to be read, others to be written. Every one of us must keep one... a private grimoire of all our thoughts and dreams, our magic and experiments, all our deeds, dark and light. If it be worked properly, no one but she who inscribes it will be able to read what it contains, at least not while the author still lives. Anne: And after they are gone? Mary: After the death of a witch, the book finds its way to the Samhain. This ensures the survival of the discovery of witches so that the old ways are not lost. Some of these go back hundreds of years to some of the earliest Essex witches. In fact... I have your father's book. That's how I knew he was dad. The book appeared that morning. Now go home and inscribe your book. You may write with ink, but first you must sign it with blood. Anne: What? Mary: Yes. The deep magic, the strong and permanent kind, always requires a little blood. Your blood signature guards it from all eyes but yours. Anne: Ow. Mary: See? It's that easy. Do that at home, and with it write, "Anne Hale," and "this is my book of shadows." When you do, your familiar will come. Anne: My familiar? Mary: You'll know it when you see it. I will come for you tonight at the witching hour and we shall complete your initiation. [Indistinct chatter] Cotton: May I ask what you are doing? Wainwright: [Sighs] If you're capable of understanding the answer, yes. If not, I would advise watching in silence. Cotton: I read at Harvard, sir. Wainwright: Theology, no doubt. What an extraordinarily useless and twisted branch of the tree of knowledge. [Sighs] Please forgive me. I can't seem to open my mouth today without insulting someone. Blame this infernal pox. It's got my mind twisted in frustration. Wainwright: Wainwright. Cotton: Just the man I was hoping to meet... the new doctor. I've come from Boston precisely with the pox weighing heavily on my mind. I intend to help stop it if it's not too late. Wainwright: And you are... ? Cotton: Cotton Mather. Wainwright: Oh. You sent correspondence to the Royal Society. Cotton: Why, yes. Are you a member? Wainwright: An associate, and I distinctly recall one of your missives read aloud at our last meeting. You sent a sketch of a... um, a... a misshapen stillborn fetus. Apparently a grand sign of the devil's immanent arrival. Cotton: Yes, it was truly remarkable. It... Wainwright: It caused no small mirth. I seem to remember Sir Isaac... Cotton: Isaac? Sir Isaac Newton? He was there? Wainwright: There? He popped several buttons on his waistcoat he laughed so hard. [Chuckles] You did intend it to be funny, didn't you? Cotton: I was there, sir. You were not. Wainwright: Well... Take a look at this. Cotton: What is it? Wainwright: A heretofore unidentified bile taken from the poor souls of Salem afflicted by this pox. And I've never seen a pox like this. Cotton: But you've never seen a witch pox. Wainwright: No one has as there is no such creature as a witch, let alone a disease caused by one. Cotton: Well, perhaps when all rational explanation is exhausted, only the impossible remains. Wainwright: You're all right, Mather, for a damn Harvard man. Cotton: [Chuckles] Wainwright: By a stroke of luck, I believe I have located the original carrier of the pox. Cotton: The very first afflicted? Wainwright: I believe so. His name is Isaac... Isaac the Fornicator. He was branded by the benighted bigots of this little town. Cotton: Isaac? I know him well. Thank Christ he still lives. Wainwright: Better thank me. I'm the one who found him. Where is Isaac? Where's my patient?! Young lady, where is he? Dollie: Poor Isaac was sleeping last night when I left. Wainwright: The boy could barely move. He didn't just wander off. It's crucial we find this man. Dollie: I don't know what happened. Woman: [Coughs] Wainwright: Mm. He may have been snatched or at least not in his right mind. When I found the boy, he was in possession of more gold than he could have earned in a dozen lifetimes. And yet he left it here. Cotton: The Malum. Wainwright: Well, that, too, I found near Isaac. What, you recognize this curiosity, Mather? Cotton: Yes. It's a legendary magical object used by witches to complete their grand rite and loose death upon the world. You say Isaac was very... very possibly the first to be afflicted by the pox. He had upon him a bag of gold and this... the very wapon of the witches. Could Isaac have been hired by witches to start this plague? Wainwright: [Laughs] I can't begin to discern the sense from the nonsense you talk, and I do regret losing Isaac, but fortunately, I drew enough blood from him to continue my work with inoculation. That way lies the cure. Isaac: [Gasps] Wh... where am I? Mercy: [Wheezing] Isaac: Mercy? Oh, uh, Lord, I'm sor... Mercy: Don't look at me! Isaac: [Whimpers] Mercy: [Inhales sharply] Be not sorry. I'm not. And now you, her Isaac, shall be my Isaac... my offering in turn to that goddess of bitches, Mary Sibley. [Door opens] Dollie: Isaac's disappearance has raised an alarm. They're searching for him even now. Cotton Mather seeks him. Mercy: Well, then, Dollie, my doll, you had best make sure they do not find him. Isaac: Why do you hate Mary Sibley so? What has she ever done to you? Mercy: Oh, dear Isaac. You have no idea, do you? She, not I, is the real monster. Dollie: I'm sorry. [Knfe scraping] Man: Get that stinking pile out of here. Hey! [Keys jangling] Man #2: Please, sir. Please. Mary: Don't think me ungrateful, Reverend Mather, but how come you to be here? You saved my life, but I begged you to never return to Salem again. It is far too dangerous. Cotton: I did fear I made a mistake returning here to the scene of all my crimes. But now I know this is where I am meant to be. Mary: And that is? Cotton: The Malum, the cause of the plague that decimates Salem even now. And proof I was right. If only my father had listened to me. If he believed me, we might have stopped the grand rite and he might yet live. Mary: And this... thing shows you your purpose here how? Cotton: It reminds me that I am here to undo all my father's errors. He was wrong about everything... wrong about the Malum being a figment of my imagination, wrong about you being a witch... and wrong about John Alden. They think John Alden klled my father. Mary: Perhaps it's for the best. They can never know the truth, and John is beyond their reach now. Cotton: Beyond the sea? Mary: Beyond all seas. Gone. Cotton: dad? [Sighs] I am sorry for that. I entertained a hope that someday I might tell him how sorry I was. Now he'll never know. Mary: We all have such thoughts. Can I tell you something I've never spoken out loud before? He was the only man I ever loved. And the saddest part is he died not knowing it. [Indistinct shouting] Hathorne: Ah, Mrs. Sibley, not a sight for delicate eyes. Mary: My eyes are many things, magistrate, but delicate is not one of them. Wainwright: He bled to death, but not, I suspect, before enjoying some trture. His tongue, it seems, was cut out and a message left. Hathorne: "Liars?" What does that mean? Mary: I'll tell you what it means, Mr. Hathorne. You have won your place in history, that's for sure. Hathorne: Madame, I... Mary: The worst jail break in the history of this colony. In broad daylight, a selectman brutally mrder, his abused corpse left as a calling card, all on your very first day at the job. Hathorne: The man responsible will be found. Mary: Sadly, the man responsible stands before me. And we might wonder upon the strange coincidence that the very man whose absence led to your appointment as magistrate hangs dad before us. Hathorne: You can't possibly suggest that I... Mary: I suggest nothing, but that you are a spectacular failure as guardian of the law and not fit to lead a beggars' parade, let alone Salem. Tituba: Petrus is dad. Mary: What?! Tituba: mrder. It appears our witch kller has struck again. Mary: His eyes? Tituba: Gone. Mary: No matter. They have attcked me in my own home, mrder one of our own, but they made a fatal error leaving behind their victim's fresh body. Now we have them. Corwin's hand will point straight to the witch kller. Anne: Anne Hale. This is my book of shadows. [Mouse squeaks] [Chuckles] What an adorable little brown thing you are. Come here. Oh, don't eat me. Mr. Jenkins, I will call you. Brown Jenkins. Three innocent people are dad because of me, including my own mother and father, so this is my promise to you, book, and to you, little Brown Jenkins, and to myself... I will master this power inside me, but I will use it for the common good. I will do no harm. Mary: Do you seek to make the dad speak like a necromancer? Wainwright: Someday, science will make the dad reveal all their secrets. For now, I am merely lifting the edge of the curtain. Come. I'll give you a peek of what I've found, if you're not afraid. Mary: [Chuckles] Wainwright: You feel this? The ridges on the stump of the tongue. Mary: Yes. Wainwright: I was wrong. His tongue was not cut out. He bit it off himself. They're calling it "autopsy," a postmortem examination. You know what that means? The act of seeing with one's own eyes. Mary: Would you mind taking me outside for some fresh air? Even I have my limits to what my eyes see and my hands feel. [Door opens] Wainwright: I don't believe you. You do not feel weak at all. I can tell. Mary: Then why am I out here with you? Wainwright: Well, that remains to be seen. You are a most unusual woman, Mary Sibley, truly exceptional. Mary: Really? In what way? Wainwright: Well, I've known other women as beautiful and as intelligent, but it's something else. Mary: Do tell. Wainwright: You're like me. The body holds no horror for you, nor, it seems, death itself. Only fascination and... Delight. I have waited all my life with no hope of meeting someone who I might stare with. Mary: Stare? Wainwright: Into the abyss. Why are you here? Because you liked what you felt... And you're ready for more? Mary: [Breathing heavily] Wainwright: The road to the palace of wisdom is arduous and long. Do you think you might... like to walk that road with me? Both: Now open, lock, to the dad man's knock, fly open, bolt and bar and arrow, find the one who spilled this blood, to him now point your marrow. Now open, lock, to the dad man's knock, fly, bolt and bar and arrow... Mary: The visions were clear. Knocker's Hole. [Indistinct shouting] Mary: Seal off all the alleyways. No one is to enter and none to leave. The finger points this way. Tituba: The kller was here. He's gone now. Mary: Check outside. He might still be near. Tituba: There's no sign of them. Mary: Patience. There's no place to hide for long in my Salem. Alden: [Groans] Mary: Place guards on every entrance to Knocker's Hole. No one is to leave. This witch hunter will not escape me. [Rumbling] Tituba: What is it? Mary: I felt it... the presence of the one who attcked me. She came from here. They came by water. This was their conduit, the means by which they gained entry into Salem. Like a rat in a sewer, they came through the well. Tituba: Then they could come again at any time. Mary: No. I will make sure that whatever came last night cannot come again without fair warning. I'll make a water charm to warn me if it draws near. I need but a taste of their signature. 'Tis a simple task. Tituba: Hardly simple and highly unpleasant. Mary: Well, then I'll get the young Anne Hale to perform the ritual for me. Time to dirty her hands, and the rest of her. Isaac: [Moaning] [Whimpers] [Moaning] [Screams] [Whimpers] What are you doing to me? Mercy: Preparing you for the spell. Dollie: You're gonna kll him. Please stop. Isn't Isaac one of us... the abused and abandoned of Salem? Isaac: [Moans] Dollie: You said so yourself that he was betrayed by Mary, left to die just like we were. [Exclaims] Mercy: Like some of us were, Dollie, dear. Stop! Looking! At! Me! Isaac: Mercy, please. Leave her be. Mercy: Leave her? Leave her? No! I'll leave her in the grave if she back talks again. Isaac: Why? Mercy: Sweet Isaac, it is simple... simple like you, like my father's Bible lessons. Nothing new under the sun. That which is done unto us must be done unto others. That is the way of the world. To everything, there is a season, a time to every purpose in hell. A time to reap, a time to sow. Yes. Isaac: No. Mercy: The season of the witch. [Bell tolling] Mary: Now we will complete your initiation. Anne: Where is everyone? Mary: I spread word of another outbreak. All hide away, quaking with terror. Last night, I was behagged in my own home. My assailant used the water in this well to reach me, right here in the very heart of our domain. Last night, they had the element of surprise. Now we must take it from them. You must take it from them. Anne: Me? What can I do? Mary: You can capture the magical signature of the witch who thrat us in this. It will give us fair warning if they dare draw near again. Anne: What do I have to do? Mary: There is no magic without sacrifice. So to begin, you must drown an animal at the bottom of the well. Hold the vial beneath the surface of the water till it is filled and recite the incantation to seal the well. Then bring the water charm to me. Anne: No. Give me something else to do. I can't go down the well. I've been terrified of small spaces ever since I was a child. Mary: And you have been crippled by that fear, made meek and small, and embryo goodwife shut up in your Puritan house like a Puritan mouse. But you can be more than that, Anne. Under us, soon all women can. But you cannot taste freedom until you confront your most crippling fear. Anne: We must drown an innocent creature? Mary: No creature is innocent. And neither are you. Anne: No. I cannot do it. Mary: You will go down the well. Anne: You cannot make me. Mary: I swear, little ginger witch, I will hurl you down that well and watch you drown if you do not stop resisting. Anne: [Breathing heavily] All right! Stop! I'll do it. [Rope creaking] Anne: [Breathing shakily] Please. No. No, please. [Thuds] What are you doing? Please. Aah! Aah! [Breathing shakily] [Exclaims] [Cat meows] Breathe your last, be empty shell... and by your death... My words compel. [Crying] [Rumbling] Water, water, drawn from hell, let the boil, your steps foretell. [Gasps] [Screams] Von Marburg: We meet again, little owl. Anne: Water, water, drawn from hell... by my words, seal this well! [Breathing heavily] Mary: See? That wasn't so bad. Anne: Tonight, Mary Sibley bade me confront my fear and go down into the well. [Spits] And so I went to create a warning charm. I drowned the animal. I filled the vial. I saw the hag. She spoke to me in the voice of the Countess Marburg, and I do not know who I fear more... Mary Sibley... or this Countess Marburg. [Knock on door] [Knock on door] Wainwright: I demand an explanation, Madame. Mary: For what, exactly? Wainwright: The pox spreads like fre, and now there are reports of an outbreak in Andover. I must know if it is the same pox, but your militia will not let me leave Salem to investigate. Mary: You dare to walk into my house in the dad of night uninvited. My husband will have your neck. Wainwright: I am a doctor. I have seen your husband. That's hardly a credible thr*at. Mary: The people of Andover are not my concern or yours. The citizens of Salem are under quarantine, one you yourself supported. Wainwright: That edict was for others. I did not intend it to apply to me. Mary: Oh. Oh, just days in Salem and already Puritan hypocrisy is rubbing off on you. Wainwright: You well know that I am far from puritanical. Mary: Do I? You talk of pain and ecstasy. You came to seek the seat of the soul, but I see no evidence that you have the courage to touch mine. Perhaps if you wish to address the seat of my soul, you might consider another approach. Wainwright: Such as? A man of science, unlike a Puritan, can take as well as give instruction. Mary: You once said that I was like the queen Elizabeth of Salem. How would you have approached good Queen Bess if you wanted something from her. Wainwright: On my knees. Of course, I not only know the... duty... [Fabric rips] ... that a subject owes his monarch. I also understand the ties that bind them together. Cotton: I wish you could be here to see the truth of what I told you. I was right. If only you had listened. [Chuckles] If you had only listened. [Creaking] Who's there? [Footsteps]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x04 - Book of Shadows"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Anne: Cotton! Aah! Mary: John was the only man I ever loved. And the saddest part is, he died not knowing it. Cotton: But you're dad. [Grunts] Hathorne: You cannot hide behind your husband anymore, Mary Sibley. George: What do you want from me? Mary: Silence your bitter enemy, Hathorne. Wainwright: I'll try and be gentle. Mary: Don't bother. [Gasps] Von Marburg: We will meet again, little owl. Until then, tell no one that we have met. Mary: [Muffled scream] Von Marburg: Their time for knowing me is not yet. Mary: I shall use the young Anne Hale to make a water charm to warn me if it draws near. Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Sebastian: I have been feeling something nearly new. Von Marburg: What is it, my love? Sebastian: Excitement. Von Marburg: Mmm. What wind fills your jaded sails? Sebastian: Mary Sibley. You have been most selfish and cruel. Days ago, your hag kissed her, and you tasted her very essence. Von Marburg: Well, I have told you everything. Sebastian: Told me, yes. But I want to taste her. You let me taste Anne Hale. Why not her? Von Marburg: I'm still swirling it myself for insight. Sebastian: These are simple folk. What could possibly elude you? Von Marburg: We're not all as obvious as you, my dear son. Unlike men, women keep their most sensitive parts hidden within. And our beautiful Mary Sibley... now, she has more and deeper secrets than most. Sebastian: Such as? Von Marburg: It's clear that she has launched the grand rite. But how can she hope to complete the consecration without a sacrificial lamb? Sebastian: Perhaps you give her too much credit. Perhaps she is merely ignorant of what a true consecration demands. Von Marburg: I doubt it. She's hardly what I'd call a wise woman, but she's no fool. She knew enough to take the only virgin witch in her hive and use her to make a warning sign, and worse, to seal my little peephole into her kingdom. Sebastian: The minx. By your leave, ma'am, I would sip her essence. Or perhaps you are jealous, afraid I will like the taste too much. Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Very well. Just once. Sebastian: [Moans] Bitter, sweet, and sharp, like tears in wine. I must have more. Von Marburg: Don't be a greedy boy. You will see her soon enough. The "little minx," as you call her, has forced my hand. Tell the captain to lift anchor, and once he has made his way out of Boston Harbor, I will send a stiff wind to speed our way to Salem. Sebastian: And to Mary Sibley. Von Marburg: [Sighs] Oh, before you go, Schatzi, a little help? ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Boy: Good day, Mother. Mary: John. Is everything all right? Boy: You were screaming last night. It scared me. Mary: Oh, it was but a harmless nightmare. Boy: You did not look scared. Mary: Were you in here? What did you see? Answer me. Tituba: If you wanted to know how it felt to be a slve, you had but to ask. I hope the good doctor cured whatever it was that ailed you. Mary: What I do to arouse my powers is no concern of yours. Tituba: You are wrong. Everything you do or fail to do is my concern. Our new magistrate has called an emergency meeting of the selectmen this midday. Mary: What does that ass want now? Tituba: They say Hathorne offers a way to save Salem from the plague... your head on a platter. Mary: Mm. He is hardly the only one who wishes that. And I shall be as prepared for him as I am for the others who would take me on. John: [Grunts] Cotton: [Grunts] [Grunts] [Muffled] What happened to you, John? John: I fought fre with fre and got brned. [Snorts] Cotton: John, please. John, please. Let me out of here! John: "The spawn of a witch be a witch." Cotton: [Sobs] John: Be quiet! Or I'll put you back to sleep for good. Cotton: Let me out of here so we can just talk! John: Okay, talk. Cotton: I understand the hate you feel for my family, but must you avenge yourself on my books? John: I'll take what I need. Cotton: And destroy my life's collection in the process. What are you after? John: To finish the job that you and your father couldn't. Cotton: You are one man, a wanted man at that. It's a fool's errand. John: You should know. You come from a long line of them. Cotton: I know more about the prey you hunt than anyone. Let us join forces. John: Nah. This time, I work alone. Cotton: And face death on your own, as well? John: I do not fear death. Cotton: No man alive doesn't fear death. John: Who says I'm alive? Cotton: What happened to you, John? What did you mean, "fre with fre?" John: [Grunts] [Mouse squeaking] Anne: Do you like being a mouse, Jenkins? Though are you really a mouse or a familiar, whatever that may be? I will tell you a secret, Little, Brown Jenkins. I do not think I like being a witch. [Knock on door] [Gasps] [Door creaks] Oh, Mr. Hathorne. You'll find me ill-prepared for visitors at present. If you'd call later... Hathorne: Sadly, I come on an urgent matter best discussed behind closed doors. Have you given thought to our earlier conversation? Anne: About the dangers facing a young, orphaned, unattached maiden? Yes. thrat surround me. They say the most treacherous of wolves may appear in a lamb's cloak. Hathorne: So true. No, there is talk in Salem, much talk, about you and your trip from Boston. Anne: [Scoffs] I rode with Reverend Mather. It was perfectly innocent. He is... Hathorne: The talk is of witchcraft. A militia man guarding the entrance to Salem was brutally klled. Anne: But I had nothing to do with that. Hathorne: Your accuser is a drunkard and a thief... in fact, a disgrace to his position. But talk, like fre, needs but a breath to propel it. You remember the pitiful fate of young Bridget Bishop? Anne: Indeed. Who could forget seeing a dear, innocent friend hung? Hathorne: There is but one sure way to avoid you suffering the same fate, if not a worse one... burning at the stake... Anne: [Inhales sharply] Hathorne: Marry me. Anne: [Laughs nervously] Sir, I... I hardly think this is the time... Hathorne: No, it is indeed the only time, considering your predicament. Anne: Forgive me, magistrate. Since the recent death of my parents, my fragile mind is so clouded. Hathorne: Let me cut through the clouds and be very clear. [Door creaks] As wife of the magistrate, no one would dare accuse you. But if you rebuff my overture, I can do nothing to protect you. [Chicken clucking] Mercy: Dollie, hurry up! You're late for breakfast! Rev. Lewis: [Chanting indistinctly] Mercy: The lord hates a laggard. Right, Father? Rev. Lewis: For that which we are about to receive, may the lord make us truly grateful. Mercy: Amen. Now let's eat. [Knives scraping] Don't worry. I'm no puritan torturer. He feels nothing, thanks to my little physic. But I will have my fill. You're not hungry? [Clears throat] Dollie: Mercy, my friend, my sister, what are you doing? Mercy: Doing? What I am doing is a great honor to poor Isaac. [Utensils clack] When I have eaten you to death, I will command your ghostly spirit, and you shall enjoy the greatest role of your miserable life... as the assassin that Mary Sibley never saw coming. Mary: That loathsome lizard Hathorne plans to challenge us today, challenge you. I humiliated him in front of the whole common yesterday, but I fear I went too far. The problem with cornering a rat is you give them no choice but to attck, and you must be ready. George: Ready? What more do you want from me? I lied in the face of my own selectmen, threw a white veil over all you've done. [Cup clatters] [Gurgling] Mary: You fool. Repeat after me ... "I am nothing." George: [Gurgling] I am nothing. Mary: Your every breath is at my whim. George: [Coughs] Thinking you even capable of helping, for being even slightly worthy of continued existence, let alone any measure of real life. No, no, I should just be done with you now. George: No! [Coughs] I beg you, ignore my vile words. I'm nothing, a worm, not worthy of the effort it'd take to kll me. Mary: That's right. So understand this... there is more work to be done, George. Rise to this occasion, not only will you live, but you may yet taste real delights. George: Yes, mistress. Mary: Excellent. The last of the Founding Fathers must rise up and protect our good name. I'm depending on you, George, to show Salem that you are still a giant among men. Anne: [Sighs] [Sighs] [Gasps] Oh! I didn't see you there. I need to see Mrs. Sibley. I was told to wait in here. And who are you? My name is Anne. I... Boy: Your hair... Anne: Yes. Boy: ... It looks like fre and smells of cinnamon. Anne: Oh! Boy: I wonder what it will smell like when you burn. Anne: Burn? [Footsteps approaching] Mary: I see you've met our nephew. Anne: That boy is a relation of yours? Mary: Of Mr. Sibley's. He's staying with us a spell. Anne: Your nephew's words were unsettling. He's unlike any boy I've ever met. Mary: Have you met many? Anne: Hathorne came to me today. Mary: That man is no end of trouble. Anne: He demanded I marry him, and if I refuse, he's all but promised to have me examined for witchcraft. Mary: Ooh, unfortunate, since you are a witch. Anne: I braved the horrors of that hag in that well for you. Now you must help me. Mary: And I shall. I will tell you exactly what to do... marry him. Anne: But you said you would protect me. Mary: 'Tis the way of the world, for now. We women are utterly defenseless without a man. A woman's beauty is her only power, so for us, a man's power must be his beauty. I had to endure the sweaty molestations of Mr. Sibley for his power. Now you will do the same 'neath Mr. Hathorne. Anne: I could no more marry him than I could a pox-ridden drunkard from knockers hole. Mary: Perhaps there is another choice. I doubt you're ready to make it happen. Anne: What? Anything. Please tell me, I beg you. Mary: Set your sights higher, dear girl. Convince Cotton Mather to marry you. However low Cotton has fallen, he is still the confluence of two great rivers... the Cottons and the Mathers, the two most prominent and richest families in the land. When you are Anne Mather, the magistrate wouldn't dare accuse you of being a witch. Anne: He is very kind and tender, and perhaps if I went to him and explained about Hathorne... Mary: Do not fool yourself. Whatever he feels for you, Cotton will not ask you to marry him, not of his own free will. Anne: How do you know? Mary: Because he's married to his books and his bottle and his self-pity. And on top of that, he's still in love with another whom he can never have... a whore named Gloriana. Anne: Then what use even mentioning him? Mary: Remember what you are, Anne... a witch. You have no need to wait for men to make their choices. You must make it for him. Anne: Perhaps he will simply choose to have me. Mary: Well, give him that opportunity if you must, but be prepared to do what is necessary or burn. Anne: [Exhales sharply] Mary: If you would control a man's heart, you must first control your own. You must take a piece of him and leave a piece of you and offer up something that you love. Anne: Is that all? Mary: Not quite. There are words to be spoken. But first, there is the matter of the countess you met in Boston. Tell me everything you know of her. Anne: I don't know what you're talking about. Mary: If there is one thing you should take away from this conversation, child, it's this... you are in my hive. I'm your Samhain, and you are an Essex witch. You cannot hide anything from me. Anne: [Voice breaking] Please, do not make me betray my promise. I fear what she will do if I speak of her. Mary: Fear what I will do or won't do if you do not. Anne: She calls herself the Countess Ingrid Palatine Von Marburg. Dollie: Shh. Shh. [Sniffling] Her heart is so filled with hate. Isaac: You let her pour her vitriol on me, not you. I'm already destroyed. Dollie: No, you are not. You have a strong heart and a dear one. I knew from the moment that you first looked at me. No trace of the hatred that I deserved, only forgiveness. Isaac: You had no choice. Dollie: [Sniffles] No. We all have a choice. We have nothing else. We always have a choice. And I choose you. Mercy: Dollie! Isaac: Don't anger her more. You must go. Please. I couldn't bear to see her hurt you. Go. Cotton: [Breathing shakily] John: Nobody can know I'm alive. Cotton: kll me if you will. I told you once before when you held a Knfe to my throat, I am ready for hell. But let me say two words before you do... Mary Sibley. [Grunts] John: What about her? Cotton: I saw her yesterday. I saw her as I've never seen her before, as a woman in love... with you. You'd never know she suffers the torments of hell believing that you had died without knowing. John: Knowing? Cotton: That she has always loved you. And she still does. [Exhales sharply] Will you not put her out of her misery? John: Lord knows I may. [Knock at door] Anne: Cotton? Cotton, please open the door. [Sighs] I know you're inside. Lamb told me you've been locked away all day. I need your advice. Something of mine. Something of his. Let the blame fall on me. [Lock disengages] Cotton. I have no father to ask, and you are the best man I know, the wisest and the kindest, so you must advise me. Cotton: Um, certainly, anything. Um... [Chuckles] What is it? Anne: Hathorne has asked me to marry him. Cotton: What? How dare he? Anne: No. He has much to offer... safety, security. Do you think I should marry him? Cotton: Uh, I... I... I don't know what to say. Anne: If you say I should, I shall. Cotton: Do you love him? Anne: What has love to do with marriage in such a world? Cotton: I... I'm sorry. This is all very sudden, and the... the moment is very ill-timed. I fear I have no advice for you. [Exhales sharply] I'm sorry. Anne: As am I. Cotton: I'm sorry. Hathorne: Surely God does not intend his flock to perish at the hands of devil worshipers and plague. Instead, I believe these are omens sent from the almighty to tell us we must all leave Salem... [All murmuring] .. continue our exodus south to the Carolinas, to a land which was settled and owned by my family for two generations, where the soil is fertile, where a puritan man may plant his seed and watch his family grow. Our promised land awaits. And so, humbly, I stand before you, divinely called to be your Moses and lead you there! George Sibley was a giant in his day, but the sun has set on that day. And if it is not to set on all our days, we must have a new leader. Man: Yes, yes. [All murmuring] Mary: George, say something. George! Hathorne: I ask you this simple question... did god intend you to be led to the true promised land by a man who cannot even walk? Mary: George, oppose him now. This is your last chance to end your suffering. George: Moses! Damned impudence to appoint oneself our Moses and claim to do so humbly. This man's pride is worthy of Satan himself, not Moses. Much greater men than you, sir, made a covenant with the almighty, and they landed on these shores... men named Endecott, Skelton, Alden, and Sibley! We crossed the river Jordan to this, our promised land, Salem, not some inherited parcel from which we could... Hathorne: Mr. Sibley, how dare you?! George: Silence! We have overcome crop failures, epidemics, Indian raids, even witches. Shall we abandon our promised land now? What would the lord himself say to that?! [Thunder cracks] [All murmuring] God hears us and speaks! [Thunder cracks] Tituba: You're sure it is her? Mary: Yes. There can be no doubt. It is the countess Anne told me of. And as her ship bears down upon us from the wine dark sea, the boiling increases. Tituba: Oh, I should have known. The way the hag kissed you... that is the German witch's way. It's one of her signatures. Mary: Calm yourself. Tituba: Calm myself? You never heard or heeded the stories the elders told, never interested yourself in history. Mary: No, only in the future. Tituba: More is the pity. Did you never wonder what happened to the witches of the other old lands... the Scythians, the Magyars, the Roma? Only a handful of the old breeds survive, hidden in Burrows or scattered like dust on the wind. What happened to them? Not witch hunters, but her. Mary: I am not of the old breed, but the new, and I'm not afraid of her. Tituba: You perhaps, but what of the boy? For his safety, I should take him back to the woods. Mary: Fine, just for tonight. But hurry back, for I have had fair warning, but they shall have none. Rev. Lewis: You'll damn your soul to hell, my child. Mercy: No, no. You did that. And as long as I must dwell in hell, I might as well rule it. Rev. Lewis: How will you do that? Mercy: Destroy Mary Sibley, beginning tonight. I shall finish with Isaac. I shall eat his heart straight from his chest, and then his ghost will be mine to command. [Growls] Isaac: [Gasps] She'll kll you if she catches you. Dollie: Be quiet so she doesn't. [Knfe rings] Isaac: Aah! [Whimpering] Dollie: Sorry. I'm sorry. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Rev. Lewis: [Sighs] Dollie: Shh, shh! Isaac: [Groans] [Groans] Rev. Lewis: You foolish child. Dollie: [Gasps] Rev. Lewis: Aah! [Grunts] [Thunder rumbles] [Rain pattering] Mary: You've done well, George. Continue to aid me with the same vigor and authority, and you shall have all you've been promised and so much more. I may even let you have a taste of what you never have... your own willing wife. George: [Groans] Mary: But not now, not tonight. If I'm to have the full measure of your manhood, I need you well-rested, and I have work to do. Such a good boy, aren't you? happy to have a little sleep for me and dream of all that's to come when you awake? Aw. [Slurping] Tituba: The ship approaches. We must do something. Mary: It is time to aim for the rails of our enemy's ship. Tituba: I don't like it. I fear you facing her alone will prove too dangerous. Mary: Then guard me well. [Rain pattering] Man: Haul in the sail! [Indistinct shouting] Mary: Like brass to fre, like stick to flame, heed my words, know my name. Faster than light, dark corners seek. Lick to flame, my vengeance wreak. Man: fre! fre below! All hands on deck! [Bell ringing] fre in the hold! All hands! All hands! All hands! [Indistinct shouting] [Thunder rumbles] Von Marburg: What a pleasant surprise. Mary: You stalk the halls of my home, yet you stand on the ship before me. How? Von Marburg: My gifts go far beyond the rudimentary powers of your witch stick... Or your attempt to burn my ship. Your flames have been snuffed out. Mary: The flames have fulfilled their intended purpose. You and I are alone. Von Marburg: Alone with one you clearly know nothing of. And yet I know so much about you, except for the few secrets that you keep so well. Mary: Come. Find my secrets, if you dare. Von Marburg: Oh, no. For the future of the grand rite, let us trade words for now, not wounds. I will admit you're impressive for a common Essex witch. Mary: Has our hive not survived when so many others have perished? Von Marburg: Yes. But your strength is also your weakness. You are, as you said, a hive filled with lovely, little bees, but no true queen. You are in reality mere sister drones, little, meek equals whose power is shared. Why, you're like the foot of a pyramid. But you will make a fine and mighty base for one more naturally designed to rule. Mary: You? Von Marburg: Well, you can put a crown on a sow's head and it doesn't make it a queen. A true queen is not made. She is born in the earth's womb and destined to rule forever. Mary: You arrogant bitch. I know about you and all your failures. You won't touch a hair on my head. Anne Hale told me you were desperate to know who completed the grand rite. Now you know. I alone succeeded where you failed. Oh, mighty queen of failure. I completed the grand rite, and I alone will open the gate for our dark lord. Tis my accomplishment and none of your own. Von Marburg: No, that's where you are wrong, little sister. Your accomplishment is not only my concern, but my destiny. Mary: Listen, old thing. You gave up your birthright when increase Mather snatched it away. Your grand rite died a failure. Von Marburg: Careful. Your next word may be your last. Mary: Your words are nothing but air. We both know you need me. You need me to complete the consecration. I hold the reins, not you. And terrorizing my hive and klling one of my own will not sway me from my destiny. Von Marburg: You're right. I do need you. But soon, you will come to see how much you need me, too. And you are gravely mistaken, little sister. Other than our watery encounter, I've not touched an Essex witch yet. It would appear there is another enemy at your gates. Mary: Then let us use this common thrat as reason to unite. What difference does it make who holds the key and who opens the gate? All witches will benefit from our dark lord's arrival. Let us work together in this noble cause. Von Marburg: What I cannot understand is how such a one as you came from so low and dishonest a hive and how you tolerated their lies and their mistreatment for all these years. Time and again, they have robbed you of your most precious possession... your free will. Correct me if those Essex whores have ever treated you as what you have always been... their natural superior. No, for I promise you only this, Mary Sibley. I will never doubt your true worth. And as evidence of my pledge, in your house, I have left a token of my appreciation. Mary: [Gasping] Tituba. Tituba. Tituba: [Gasping] Mercy: [Screaming] Rev. Lewis: [Groans] Mercy: Find them! [Sobs] [Screaming] Isaac: [Groans] This way. Anne: If I do nothing, I must burn as a witch or cede my body and soul to that horrible man. [Sniffles] I know what I do is wrong, taking a good man's will, but what choice do I have? A black rose grow in his heart. Write my name and let it start. Wrap it round with walls of Thorn. Let his mad love for me be born. I left my best ribbon, something of mine. I took his hair, something of his. What else? [Gasps] Something I love. [Voice breaking] But I have nothing and no one to love. [Mouse squeaking] [Bones crunching] [Sobs, gasps] Mary: In the light of dawn, we shall weigh Marburg's pledge of peace. [Rain pattering] [Water trickling] [Door creaks]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x05 - The Wine Dark Sea"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mercy: Tonight, I shall finish with Isaac. Isaac: She'll kll you if she catches you. This way. Anne: Hathorne came to me today. He demanded I marry him, and if I refuse, he's all but promised to have me examined for witchcraft. Mary: Convince Cotton Mather to marry you. You must take a piece of him and leave a piece of you and offer up something that you love. Petrus: A witch dagger to kll, a moonstone to see, and a medicine bag to be unseen. Von Marburg: Tell the captain to lift anchor, and once he has made his way out of Boston Harbor, I will send a stiff wind to speed our way to Salem. Sebastian: And to Mary Sibley. But I want to taste her. Tituba: Did you never wonder what happened to the witches of the other old lands... what happened to them? Not witch hunters, but her. Mary: I alone will open the gate for our dark lord. 'Tis my accomplishment and none of your own. Von Marburg: Your accomplishment is not only my concern, but my destiny. In your house, I have left a token. Mary: [Breathing heavily] Ugh! [Breathing heavily] Oh! Get the candle! [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] The toad is gone. Tituba: We are losing him, Mary! Mary: Find the toad! Come on, come on. Find the toad! [Toad croaking] George, come on. George. Come on. [Breathing heavily] [Toad screeches] [Breathing heavily] Ash the symbol. [Flames roar] Tituba: [Blows] Mary: [Breathing heavily] Tituba and Mary: Splinter of life, take haste, take hold. Quicken the breath to awaken the soul. [Flames roar] Splinter of life, take haste, take hold. Quicken the breath to awaken the soul. Splinter of life, take haste, take hold. Quicken the breath to awaken the soul. Splinter of life, take haste, take hold. Quicken the breath to awaken the soul. Mary: Splinter of life, take haste, take hold. Tituba and Mary: Quicken the breath to awaken the soul. George: [Retching] Mary: [Gasps] Come on. Come on, George. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on, George! Tituba: Yes, yes! Mary: Come on! Come on, I need you! Yes, come on, George! I need you! Come on! No! No! I need you. Come on. Come on, George! Come on! Come on! Damn it! Tituba: Marburg's spell is too strong. Mary: No! No! He is mine, not hers! [Breathing heavily] Okay. [Gasps] [Moans] [Moaning] George: [Gasping] Mary: You can't leave me, George. [Liquid bubbling] [Sobbing] Please don't leave me! Please! George! [Sobs] George! George, no! No! Come back, George! Tituba: Mary! Mary: I need you, please! Tituba: Mary! Mary: No! No! No! [Sobbing] No. Tituba: He's lost. Mary: [Sobbing] Then all is lost. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations in distance] [dogs barking in distance] [Thunder rumbling] [Horse neighs] [Speaking indistinctly] John: [Breathing heavily] [Indistinct voices echoing] [Skin crackling] Von Marburg: You had but one task, and that is to watch my back. And yet you allowed a woodland witch to cross our waters and slip past you on our ship. Sebastian: No ordinary woodland witch. Von Marburg: No. Mary Sibley is, indeed, something more. All more reason for vigilance. Sebastian: I promise I will never let my eyes stray from her again. Sebastian: You must admit, stepping foot onto our bow, settling blaze to our ship... the minx is brazen. Come, Mother. [Glasses clink] Make peace and celebrate. The wr is won in a single blow. Von Marburg: How like a man to mistake the battle for a wr. True wr is only won when the enemy is dad. Even so... A dad bee may yet sting. Hmm. Some will be lulled... And some will be klled. But some will have all they wish fulfilled. [Blows] Oh. One dear little bee lost from the hive. How useful. [Men laughing] [Indistinct conversations] Hathorne: Raise your glasses, gentlemen. The ship I've chartered to the Carolinas arrives in two days. To the conquest of new lands in the days to come, and tonight, to the tightest tidbit of twat in all of Salem... Anne Hale! [Laughter] Soon to be Anne... hunh-hunh-hunh... hawthorne! [Laughter] Young Anne. As we all set out into virgin territory, so shall I. [Chuckles] Cotton: How dare you speak so of a lady... any lady, let alone one you claim to love. Hathorne: [Laughs] Love? Who said anything about love? I talk of marriage, sir, and the property what comes with it. Cotton: Property? Is she but a house or a cask of wine? Hathorne: Indeed, like all women, she is. And I will shatter her doors, uncork her casks, and drink my fill. Cotton: [Breathes deeply] Hathorne: Oh! [Indistinct shouting] [Insects chirping] Anne: [Thinking] I did it... slew my Little Brown Jenkins, trod the left hand path, and spelled a man to force his love. Did it even work? [Indistinct shouting in distance] [Shouting continues] [Shouting continues] Tituba: Hathorne will kll him any second now. Mary: No, when two dogs fight, it isn't always the biggest or most experienced who triumphs, but the hungriest. Cotton is hungry like he's never been hungry before. [Indistinct shouting continues] [Crowd groans] Man: Up! Up! Up! [Indistinct shouting continues] Tituba: Anne spelled him. Mary: And if Anne's spell inspires Cotton to finish him, then all of Hathorne's thrat to Salem and to me vanish. I could use one less enemy. Hathorne: Hyah! Cotton: Hyah! [Indistinct shouting] Hyah! [Grunting] Hyah! Mary: Plunge it deep, Cotton. Cotton: Aah! Anne: You're no kller. Mary: Do it. Cotton: Hyah! [Breathing heavily] Aaaah! Mary: The town magistrate and a world-renowned puritan divine. What a disgrace! Understand, good people, that nobody is above the law. Drag them to the jail. A night of discomfort and shame will do them both some good. Hathorne: Mrs. Sibley... Mary: Don't you have homes to go to?! John: [Breathing heavily] [Breathing heavily] [Door creaking] [Flies buzzing] Petrus: So, it's true. Kllers do always return to the scene of their crime. [indistinct conversations] Man: Royal flags and colors. Man #2: Can you see them? [Indistinct conversations] Braun: [Germanic accent] People of Salem, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting our Countess Palatine Ingrid Von Marburg and her son, the Baron Sebastian Von Marburg. [Indistinct conversations] Woman: They're lovely. [Indistinct conversations] Von Marburg: Oh, Salem... We have heard of your terrible plight. And we see now with our own eyes the neglect that has been shown you. We took sail as hastily as we could to show solidarity and to bring an abundance of supplies. [Cheers and applause] Mary: Such a display of wealth and opulence. How could we ever repay you? Von Marburg: The look of open affection and gratitude in your face is repayment enough. [Smooching] The renowned Mary Sibley. Sebastian: An honor... and, even more, a pleasure. Von Marburg: We were so very sorry to hear about Mr. Sibley. His ongoing illness must be a strain on you, my dear, and indeed, on all of Salem. Mary: Thank you. But he is quite hardy. Von Marburg: Good. He won't mind, then, if I make away with you to be my guide through these foreign alleyways, for I should know my new home like a bee knows its hive. [Indistinct conversations] [Geese squawking] Looking into the faces of all those about to die at your hand, how does it feel? [Cheers and applause] Mary: I take no pleasure in it. Von Marburg: No, I see that. Makes me worry about you and for you. For what is the point of so much work if it affords no pleasure? [Applause] Mary: I try to focus on the future... And what will be gained by their sacrifice. Von Marburg: Oh, my dear. What do you think that world will be like? Oh, thank you. Mary: A new breath of freedom... utopia. Von Marburg: Do you even know what that word means? Mary: An ideal world. Von Marburg: It means "no place." Do not be blinded by the light of your dreams, Mary Sibley, for these are not the last but merely the first of the sacrifices it will take to achieve our new world. There are other cities to conquer, other empires to fell. And all the while, we must wear our mask of respectability. Mary: Then why have you destroyed my mask and klled George? Von Marburg: To show you who are your true and only friends, to eliminate your false confidence, and to prove that those elders of yours hiding in the woods have less hold over you than I. But have no fear. Your secret about George is safe with me, as long as we are allies. Isn't it exciting? Either your life is about to truly start by my side, or it may be over in an instant... your choice. [Applause continues] Mary: I choose life. There will be time enough for death. Besides, I would not want to be robbed of the chance to learn from such a wise mentor. Von Marburg: Excellent. Then your first lesson is simple... practice the art of losing gracefully. [Chuckles] [Cheers and applause] Cotton: [Moans] [Breathing heavily] Anne: [Breathing heavily] [Dog barking] [Horse neighs] Cotton: [Moans] [Indistinct conversations in distance] [Breathing heavily] Hathorne: Now we see the world-famous fool, Cotton Mather... Can no more hold his drink than he can his tongue. Increase always said you were an utter failure. How right he was. That's why you're not fit to take a girl like Anne Hale. Cotton: You think she would want a mrder? Hathorne: No, a man. Cotton: [Grunting] Hathorne: One who takes what he wants, rather than pleading for it. By god, I swear, Mather, if it weren't for your beard, you'd be a woman. Cotton: What an infinite dribble of nonsense falls from your flaccid lips! Hathorne: Puking, grey-coated gnat. Cotton: And you? All bowels and no brains. Hathorne: Craven scurvied pignut. Cotton: Canker blossom! [Slow clapping] Von Marburg: Bravo. Rome itself never had two such distinguished gladiators. No need for mea culpas. In my experience, a little contest of manhood moves the blood and makes for a virile mind and body. Hathorne: And may I introduce myself? I am the magistrate. Von Marburg: Well, my good man, you seem to have found yourself on the wrong side of these bars. [Lock rattles] Hathorne: Oh, indeed. [Chuckling] Indeed, Countess. Uh. Wendell Hathorne. I... I'm most pleased to make your acquaintance. Von Marburg: Wendell Hathorne. The same Wendell Hathorne whose name is spoken of in the most respected halls in Boston? Even in London, in the court of King William and his wife, Mary. Hathorne: I... I do not know that I... Von Marburg: But I will shield the king's court from your drunken revelry... And the scandalous rumors that you intend to uproot the good people of Salem and plant them in a less holy land, the Carolinas, seeing as the humble man I see before me cannot be capable of such treason. Hathorne: I... I am most indebted to you, Countess. Von Marburg: Hello. You are free to go. I have paid the fines for your public drunkenness and mayhem. Cotton: But Mrs. Sibley... Von Marburg: And I are of one mind. And as for your excesses, let our motto be, "moderation in all things... including moderation." Anne: [Thinking] I still can't quite believe it. I did it, and it well and truly worked. Cotton was a new man, full of a lion's strength. And for me... I must admit, to see a man fight and bleed for my very honor... a more thrilling sight I have never known. [Creature squeaking] Brown Jenkins? [Brown Jenkins squeaking] It cannot be. I... squeezed the very lifeblood from your body. And yet, here you are... Alive... again. [Clicking tongue] [Thinking] Mary Sibley told me, as a witch, my familiar would find me. Now I know. Brown Jenkins is no mouse. He is my familiar. And it appears it is not only cats that have nine lives. [Squeaking continues] May the lord have mercy on my soul... if I still have one. [Indistinct conversations] Isaac: Can't stay here for much longer. Dollie: If we leave, she'll find us. You don't know mercy. She hates like others love... beyond all reason. Isaac: Then we will go far from here. We can start in a new world with new names... a chance for us to have something of our own. I remember Magistrate Hale talking of the West Indies... warm waters and soft beaches everywhere you turn. Dollie: No mercy or pox. Isaac: [Chuckles] Dollie: Oh, Isaac... What a sweet dream. Isaac: One that we don't have to wait for sleep to see true. Dollie, I've got means. Dollie: Your money? I heard them talk about it in the clinic. Where did you get it? Isaac: I earned it. It's mine. It's too dangerous to go by daylight. We'll have to wait until nightfall. Dollie: No, save your strength. You enter that place in your state, they'll surely put you back in a bed, and you'll be lying prey for mercy again. I will go. Isaac: No. Dollie: Shh. [Door creaking] Sebastian: Now, this is awkward... you being here with your ex... and your next. Mary: Leave. Sebastian: You are even more beautiful when you're angry. I knew you would be. Mary: You do not know me. Sebastian: I do know you, Mary. After all, I have tasted you on my mother's lips. [Breathes deeply] I know, for instance, that no man who has ever loved you has ever served you. Every man in your life has served but himself. George Sibley took what he wanted until you could bear no more and... and made him but a toad bone man. John Alden took what he wanted and left, returning only to take yet again. No man... not one has ever asked what it was you wanted, what you needed. You simply have no idea what it will feel like to have a man as resourceful and determined as me dedicate himself entirely to your every need, your every desire. I am no fool. I know you do not love me now. But you will... Sooner than you think. Let me begin by ridding you of your most vexatious problem. Mary: I was quite capable of dispensing of George in my own manner. Sebastian: Perhaps. But I prefer to have George in my pocket, not yours. And I promise, his corpulent carcass will remain hidden... So long as you behave yourself. Mary: What kind of man woos with blackmail? Sebastian: It is not the beginning of love that matters... it's love's end. And trust me, I know how our story ends. It ends like this... "and they lived happily ever after"... Madam. [Water splashing] Petrus: You never hesitated to kll before. Indeed, you slit my throat like you were opening a letter. John: That's true. Got no end of blood on my hands. Petrus: Yet Mary Sibley, the very queen of the Essex witches, stood mere inches from your blade, and you did nothing. John: It wasn't time. Petrus: Even you don't believe that. You just couldn't do it, because you're still in love with her. [Dishes rattling] John: Petrus... Just leave me be. Petrus: Wouldn't be the first nor the last time a man had to kll the thing he loved. John: I know what I have to do. Petrus: Then do it. John: Shut up. Petrus: What are you waiting for? Time's running out. You're nearly as dad as I am. John: I said, shut up! Mercy: [Gasps] [Sobbing] Von Marburg: Mirror, mirror, on the wall... Mercy: [Sniffles] Von Marburg: ... Who is the most betrayed by all? Mercy: [Hoarsely] Who are you? Von Marburg: Call me... your fairy godmother. Here to grant your wishes. Mercy: Leave me be. I'm no child anymore... to be beguiled by fairy stories. And I'm all out of wishes. Von Marburg: Come, we're all children inside, and we all have wishes. You, my dear, have two. You hide in here, and you wish upon the moon itself to give Mary Sibley even half the pain she's given you. Mercy: [Sniffles] Von Marburg: I can help you... deliver her a thousandfold more pain. And you wish upon the stars... To be as unmarked as you once were. I will give you more. Such beauty as launched a thousand ships will be yours. Mercy: Why? What have you to gain from granting my wishes? Von Marburg: It is no mystery. I, too, would see Mary Sibley curled into a ball of pain. Mercy: [Sniffles] Von Marburg: And I have much use... oh, much loving use... for a beauty such as will be yours. Mercy: [Sighs] I tell you, madam, after a lifetime of betrayal and trture... I've not a drop of trust left in me. I couldn't believe you if I tried. Von Marburg: But I do not ask you to trust. [Knfe falls] There, now. Mercy: [Grunting] Von Marburg: Oh. Come and see. Mary: I called you here to discuss a dark matter we must talk about increase. Cotton: I shall never cleanse my hands of his blood. Mary: No, we mustn't let his final madness be his lasting legacy. His reputation as the greatest witch kller of our time rests upon his past success, does it not? Cotton: My father was the very scourge of witches in the old country... not only in Old Essex, but also in Germany. There, he stopped this tribe of germanic witches, led by this ancient pagan siren that he sent back to hell. He often told me that was his... Proudest moment. Mary: And your father trained you through childhood to follow in his footsteps. Cotton: [Sighs] Mary: Sent you in his place to lead the wr against the witches here in Salem. In this as in so much else, I have failed... miserably. Mary: No, you did not fail. It is not over. Search your memory, Cotton. Think hard. Surely, your father told you something about his great victory... some hint or clue as to exactly how he sent this siren back to hell. Perhaps it will help us defeat the witches here and now in Salem. Cotton: Would that he had. I'm afraid all his secrets died with him. Mary: If only we could learn of your father's sweet victory from his own lips. [Indistinct conversations] Woman: Worth it, sir. Come inside. Isaac: It's been hours! I feared that I'd never see your face again. Dollie: I found your money. We must leave this place at once. Isaac: What? Dollie: Come on. Isaac: What happened? Are you hurt? Dollie: I am most lucky to be alive. Isaac: No, I am lucky you are alive. It is the good news I could have hoped for. Dollie: But I have better news. I secured us passage out of Salem by boat. Isaac: Truly? How? Dollie: A ship leaves tonight. And though it took nearly half of your gold, the captain agreed to let us stow away in the belly of his ship. New Providence, a Bahamian isle, just as you wished... warmth, exotic peoples, no puritans. Isaac: Or witches. Dollie: This is the captain that's going to shepherd us to freedom. [Sighs] Braun: You must hurry. The ship is ready to sail. [Knock on door] Anne: [Sighs] [Door creaks] Cotton! The hour is late. Cotton: I hope my presence is a welcome one, even after curfew. Anne: Yes, but what brings you on such urgent business? Cotton: I... I... I was going to return this... Anne: Oh, thank you. Cotton: ... Um, as an excuse. But the truth is that I come for a much greater reason... a renewed vigor for life... a life that I want to share with someone who evokes the vitality that I have come to know well in recent days. Anne: Would it not be prudent to allow such feelings to settle, to fully blossom, before, uh, asserting such declarations so freely? Cotton: I have raised fist against another man out of the robust feelings I have. I have... I have spent a night in the dank jail. Anne: I... I fear it is all my fault. Cotton: There is no fault to be had. I've never felt so alive as I do right now. I mean, why... why delay saying what I know in my heart? Anne: I must ask if you have enjoyed an excess of spirits again. Cotton: No. If I am drunk, it's on a much rarer spirit... you. All my waking hours and all my dreaming nights are haunted by one face, one voice, one... [Sniffs] scent. Ah, for all my arsenal of words, my tongue is tied. Um, what I am saying is... I... I love you. Anne: [Sighs] Cotton: [Chuckles] I didn't have a name for it. But now I do... love. Its name is... forever inseparable from yours. No, no, no, no. This is too much, too soon. Um... Sorry. Um. Anne: No. Cotton: No, no, no. For now, just know... that I love you. I shan't rest till you are safe. And, um, the only safe place for you is here... [Sighs] In my heart. [Sighs] Good night. [Whispers indistinctly] Anne: Good night. [Door closes] [Sighs] [Laughs] [Brown Jenkins squeaking] [Footsteps approaching] Isaac: Dollie... You're sure you want to say goodbye to everything that you've known? Dollie: There's nothing left here for me but you. And wherever we go now... we go together. [Sighs] Isaac: Then nothing can stop us from leaving this hell. Dollie: [Sighs] Braun: Ergreift sie! Isaac: What? Dollie: [Screaming] Isaac: Oh! Dollie! Dollie: Help! Help! [Indistinct conversations in distance] [Floorboards creaking] [Brown Jenkins squeaking] John: [Gasping] Tituba: Petrus' eyes showed me all, witch kller. You will kll no witches tonight. John: [Gasping] [Footsteps approaching] Mercy: [Breathing heavily] Von Marburg: Come, now. Mercy: You have my Dollie. What are you doing? Von Marburg: Taking away your shame and giving you back your glory. Do you not think that this flesh has seen a lifetime of wounds and scars and the ravages of time? And yet, behold... It retains its youth. And so, too, will yours. Whatever torments have marred your flesh... marred even your soul... will be washed away. Dollie: [Sobs] Mercy, please help me. Mercy: She is mine, not yours. Von Marburg: Wait until you see what I can make her do for you. Dollie: No, Mercy, don't listen to her. Remember me... who I am? Who you were? [Breathing quickly] We've been the best of friends since were mere babes just crawling in the grass. Mercy: Since we were babes? Dollie: [Crying] Mercy: I remember differently. You were too good for me, always, until you saw my dark gift... the power to send people to death with just the point of my finger. And you took Isaac. You betrayed me. Dollie: No. [Sobs] Mercy, please. [Moaning] [Latches clicking] Mercy: What are you doing? Dollie: [Breathing heavily] Von Marburg: Trust me. Dollie: [Whimpering] Von Marburg: Here. [Metal creaks] Yes. Dollie: [Crying] Von Marburg: Come. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] [Liquid splashing] [Gasps] [Metal creaks] Dollie: [Gasping] [Groaning] [Sobbing] Mary: [Breathing heavily] I never thought I'd say these words... But I need you... [Bones crack] ... increase Mather.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x06 - III Met By Moonlight"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Countess Marburg: It would appear there is another enemy at your gates. Mary: Then let us use this common thrat as reason to unite. Countess Marburg: I have left a token of my appreciation. Sebastian: I do know you, Mary. I know you do not love me now. But you will. Mary: I was quite capable of disposing of George in my own manner. Sebastian: I prefer to have George in my pocket, not yours. Cotton: What happened to you, John? John: I fought fre with fre and got brned. Tituba: You will kll no witches tonight. Anne: Wrap it 'round with walls of Thorn. Let his mad love for me be born. Cotton: I... I love you. Countess Marburg: You hide in here, and you wish upon the moon itself to be as unmarked as you once were. Dollie: [ Whimpers ] [ Crying ] Countess Marburg: The last of the true witches. Do not lie to me. There could be no greater error than that. Anne: You know Increase Matherather? Countess Marburg: Oh, he and I danced a lively jig, and neither of us left it unmarked. Mary: Search your memory, Cotton. Surely, your father told you some hint to exactly how he sent this siren back to hell. Cotton: Would that he had. I'm afraid all his secrets died with him. Mary: I never thought I'd say these words... But I need you... Increase Matherather. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. [ Blows ] Every man feeds the conqueror worm. I eat your flesh, so obey, you must. By my command, moist earth turn. Give up your dad, their secrets to tell. Increase Mather, I call you from Hell. [ Creaking ] Alas, poor Increase. I knew him well. Too well. Dear Increase... You really think I'd allow you to lay hands on me? [ Glass shatters ] Feel better? No, I thought not. You always were a slow learner. Do you understand now? You... are... dad. Snatched from the burning shit pits of Hell to serve me. Increase: [ Gasping ] [ Groaning ] [ "Cupid carries a gn" plays ] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: If you would speak... Perhaps in death, you must first learn what you never did in life... To listen. Painful, I know, for a man who lived by the power of his speech to be silenced. Or perhaps you weep for all those voices you silenced. Or is it just the torments you now suffer for those crimes. Increase: [ Gasps ] Mary: To give you a voice. Aww... poor Increase. Increase: [ Gasps ] [ Suckling ] Mary: Yes. Increase: [ Grunts ] [ Sighs ] Mary: Now, you, uh... You wanted to say something? Go ahead. Increase: God damn your soul to Hell. Mary: Oh, I've already offered up my soul to Hell. You, on the other hand, must have been terribly surprised to find yourself consigned there. Increase: Nothing could have surprised me less. No, I've always gone where all the others... My idiot son included... Are too weak to go. I take the battle to the very heart of darkness. I would do it again. Mary: Each man's hell is as unique as his crimes. What was yours? Increase: Mine... it is... me... Strapped into my own trture chair, beset by a legion of devils, each wearing my own face, mortifying my flesh with implements far more fiendish than any I could ever have contrived, gripped in hands as scarred as my own. No one can imagine or bear the torments of one's own worst acts. Mary: They say that those of us who find our hell on earth will find our heaven in hell. Increase: Even you, I should think, would not summon me from my grave simply to gloat. Mary: You lost the battle for the soul of Salem, and now you suffer in Hell without even the consolation of victory. I want to give you a second chance. Increase: A boon from Mary Sibley, Satan's favorite whore? Mary: [ Chuckles ] Increase: Why would you do anything for me? Mary: You didn't just fail in Salem. The world knows you for your great triumph back in Germany, but that was a failure, too. The witch you supposedly klled still lives. The bitch walks the streets of Salem at this very moment. Now help me defeat her for good. Increase: Yes. Mary Sibley, you're right. You know, she fooled me before, but she won't... She won't do it again. But before I can teach you how to destroy her now and forever, I must observe the bitch's lair. [ Chuckles ] [ Chains rattling ] John: Where am I? Tituba: In Salem... and outside of it. John: What do you want, witch? [ Gasps ] Tituba: So much magic on your flesh. You are becoming what you hunt, witch hunter. Careful, or you'll be torn apart by your own dogs. John: I hunt. I am my own dog. Tituba: And so you tear yourself apart. Such a desperate move, to let a medicine man bind your soul to the great spirit. Did they even warn you of the price you'd pay for such power? John: All except the part where I'd have to spend eternity listening to your bullshit. Why don't you just kll me? Tituba: Because I am not done with you yet. Never had much use for men... But I'm starting to think I might have some for you. John: I'd see you all burn. [ Grunts ] Tituba: Well, I have no problem with that... As long as they are the right witches. John: Is that why you saved Anne Hale? Tituba: [ Chuckles ] I did not save Anne Hale from you. I saved you from her. Countess Marburg: It's nothing short of astonishing... You seized the puritans' heartland from right out underneath them, got them to mrder 13 of their own kind to fulfill your Grand Rite, even had the infinite satisfaction of using the odious Increase Mather as your final victim... Well, this would have been an enormous, indeed, unprecedented triumph, but you dared the ultimate... Unleashing a witch pox which turns their very bodies into hell-blood and opens a new gate of Hell at their feet. Mrs. Sibley... You are indeed a wonder for the ages. Mary: Thank you, Countess. Countess Marburg: [ Chuckles ] Mary: But I must humbly ask for your help. Now, with Mr. Sibley so inconveniently dad, I must shore up my authority in these final days. Your prestige and glamour rule Salem. I would like to invite a few of the important people to a dinner. For you and, of course, your son to sit at my table as my friend and supporter would make all the difference. Countess Marburg: It's a splendid idea. Yes. Yes, I was right. Our interests truly are as one. [ Sizzling ] Mary: You know, Sebastian, I have always responded much more to the carrot than the stick. Sebastian: And what variety of carrot might you have in mind? Mary: I do not relish having George's body hanging over me. If I could truly believe that you had disposed of it, I'd be so grateful, and my gratitude, sir, could... Raise the dad. Sebastian: Consider it done. The last trace of George will be gone before the night is through. [ Indistinct conversations ] Mary: You will have your chance tonight to find out if the Countess is the same witch you fought all those years ago. Increase: When I see her, I will know if it really is her. You see, she bears my mark, just as I bear hers. More importantly, I will find where she keeps it. Mary: It? Increase: One unholy object allows her to maintain her obscenely long existence. Destroy it, you destroy her. Mary: But what exactly is this object? Increase: You will learn the price of that knowledge once I have located... it. Mary: While she and her son dine here, you will have the run of her ship. Anne: Cotton loves me. But if he is spelled to love me, then how can I ever be sure his love is real? I want a man, not a puppet. Tell me, Brown Jenkins, is it possible to get everything one wants and not be happy? [ Squeaking ] You're not happy either, are you? What is it you want? Cheese? [ Gasping ] [ Squeals ] [ Gasps ] Countess Marburg: Oh, he simply wants to suckle and be fed by his mistress. [ Clicking tongue ] Oh, come here. [ Chuckles ] It is the price for doing all your bidding. [ Squeaking ] There, now. There. You should be proud to bear your witch mark. But, of course, upon your life, you must also keep it a secret... Just as you were supposed to keep our secret from Mary Sibley. I should punish you horribly here and now, but I will give you a chance to redeem yourself. Soon you'll receive an invitation to dine at the Sibley mansion this evening. During dinner, you'll slip away to steal your father's book of shadows. There are secrets in that book... Secrets you and I both need. Anne: Me? Why me? Countess Marburg: Because only you can find it. Anne: But how can I find a book I've never even seen before? Countess Marburg: Ah. Some things only need to be sought to be found. Succeed... And all will be forgiven. But fail... [ Brown Jenkins squeals ] Anne: [ Gasps ] Countess Marburg: And, well... Failure's not really an option, is it? [ Squeaking ] [ Bell tolling ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Horse whinnies ] [ Groaning ] Woman: Welcome back to Andover, Doctor. Collector: There's one more back here. Wainwright: Uh, he's not yet dad. Collector: Might as well be. Wainwright: Dum spiro spero... While there is breath, there is hope. [ Sighs ] My hope, that is. Man: [ Groaning ] Hear me, man. Give me your blessing. Will you sacrifice yourself so that countless others may live? Man: [ Groans weakly ] Sebastian: There are secrets you want opened, Mother. Leave them to me. There is no shell so hard I cannot find a way in... Though I believe the lovely widow Sibley, given time, will open herself willingly for me, like a rose. Countess Marburg: Yes, my dear. I'm aware that your charms are exceeded only by your self-regard. The real question is whether Mary Sibley is hiding something from us or someone is hiding it from her. Sebastian: You are indeed a sphinx, Ma'am. Whatever do you mean? Countess Marburg: Well, let us just say that I do not know if she has, in every sense, what it takes to complete what she's gn. But we may find that out tonight due to her timely invitation. Sebastian: And if she does not? What then of the lovely Mary Sibley and her Essex hive? Countess Marburg: Comme toujours, we slay them all. Mercy: At last... and you will let me do it for you, won't you? With my own hands and teeth? [ Chuckles ] Countess Marburg: [ Gasps ] Ohh! [ Chuckles ] Is she not lovely now, our Mercy? Sebastian: She's a rare bloom. Countess Marburg: A belladonna, a flowering nightshade... And must be, for Mercy will now bring the children to me so that we may go on blooming. [ Chuckles ] Sebastian: When have I ever failed you? Countess Marburg: Well, never, schatzi. Never. No, you gathered them faithfully and well since you were but a child, yourself. But time takes its toll on most. You are too old now, and the little ones fear you. Well, it embitters the blood, and it risks drawing too much attention. Now, the children will come willingly to Mercy as they once did to you. Besides, you're now ready for more challenging play. Sebastian: Mary Sibley. Mercy: Mary Sibley... What a pot of piss, pox, and poison. Countess Marburg: That may be so, my dear. But as every witch knows, piss, pox, and poison all have their use. Mary: Where do you think you are taking my son? Tituba: To the woods, where I can keep him safe from the Countess. Mary: Like you kept George safe? Tituba: I warned you not to underestimate the thrat. And now you invite her here. Mary: Would you have me fight back the sea waves with a sword? Sometimes, letting the undertow carry one is the only way to escape it. Come on. Tituba: Proud Mary never learns. Mary: Oh, I have learned much from you, sister, including where not to place my trust. No one can protect my son better than I. [ Indistinct conversations ] Wainwright: What ails you, Mather? Cotton: I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I cannot read. Tell me... is love a sickness? Wainwright: [ Chuckles ] Well, love is an odd fever, one that longs for that which causes it. Cotton: Then there is no cure. Wainwright: Hmm. None that I can administer. For my part, I have found these last days staring into the riddling face of death enough to sober me. Cotton: What have you seen? Wainwright: [ Sighs ] I've been to Andover. I'm quite sure their pox was inherited from ours, and yet the victims there, they... They do not suffer with this black bile. Perhaps, as with love, this fever longs for some particular end. Cotton: For a man of science, you speak in riddles. Wainwright: Well, let's just say I have an opportunity to observe that end tonight... An experiment. Tell me, Reverend, as a doctor of the soul... Would it be a sin to sacrifice one man to save many? Cotton: The one must sacrifice himself, like Christ. Otherwise, it is not sacrifice, but mrder. Wainwright: And if one mrder a man about to die, is that really a crime? Cotton: A crime, perhaps not, but a sin, no doubt. Wainwright: Ah. I can live with that. Question is, can you? Cotton: I suppose we'll find out. Wainwright: Then I will call upon you when the time is right. [ Children laughing ] Woman: Shut up! And keep spinning, or feel me mighty wrath. What are you looking at? Get back to work. [ Echoing humming ] What are you doing? Who's gonna pay for that, huh? You're gonna pay for this, you little brat! [ Slap ] Get back to work. [ Humming continues ] [ Sea gulls crying ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Countess Marburg: [ Humming ] [ Sizzling ] [ Gasps ] [ Humming ] Anna: [ Sighs ] I hate formal dinners. I wish I were an Indian. I bet they never have to dress for dinner. What do you say, Brown Jenkins? Can you make me an Indian maiden? [ Squeaks ] No? I thought not. Well, at least I would rather not enter alone. That is the worst part... When you enter a room and all eyes turn to judge. Could you bring Cotton to my door, to accompany me, with a bouquet in hand, poetry on his lips? [ Squeaks ] [ Knock on door ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Oh! Thank you! They're beautiful. Cotton: They are but a pale shadow of your own beauty. Anne: Really? Cotton: Truly. Anne: [ Sniffs ] Cotton: I hope the neighbors won't miss the flowers. [ Both chuckle ] [ Chuckles ] I've come to walk with you to Mary Sibley's. Anne: Oh. I was just thinking how lovely it would... be. When did you decide to come? Cotton: Well, to be honest, I was on my way, and the thought of you just dawned in my mind, like... like the rising sun. Anne: I'll be a few moments. Sebastian: Must I be here? You know nothing bores me quite like a supper. Countess Marburg: Whatever Mary Sibley's insidious intent... And I don't doubt her narrow, little mind has one... Tonight's dinner shall work for my purposes, too. Sebastian: How can you still doubt her, Mother? Salem is clearly well on its way to hell on earth. Oh, it takes a harder heart than hers to open the gate... A heart like mine. Had not that pious hypocrite Increase Mather stopped me... Sebastian: But he did not stop Mary Sibley. Countess Marburg: Do not set your heart on having Mary Sibley. This may turn out to be her last supper. If I find her wanting at anytime, including tonight, she may not live long enough for you to bed her, let alone love her. A toast... To our new friends in Salem... To the indefatigable Mary Sibley, and to absent friends, like dear George Sibley, resting peacefully upstairs. Let us eat and drink our fill in honor of him, exactly as he would wish. To friends. Anne: To friends. Wainwright: To friends. It's been too long, Doctor. I still remember your last visit and your palpable taste for all things elizabethan. Wainwright: Even in your fair company, I find it hard not to think of the plague that rages on while we sit and sup here. Mary: I understand, and your dedication is admirable. But we are here, and we must eat. Would you care to carve, Doctor? Wainwright: Is that the role you wish for me... The Fiddler at Rome's pyre? Sebastian: I heard you were a true physician, but you are rude as a barber surgeon. Where are your manners? Wainwright: I must have misplaced them. Perhaps in the same dark cabinet where you keep your morals. Mary: I think we can all agree what a terrible thing it is that people are dying of plague while we feast off this fine China. Sebastian: Terrible. But no more terrible than life itself. The world is as it is. Wainwright: On this, at least, we agree. Mary: Are you both so certain that things cannot somehow be made fairer? Sebastian: Life was not designed to be fair. Wainwright: If it was designed at all. Mary: Hush, now, or the magistrate here will have to bring you up on charges of atheism, and it does so go against all rules of decorum to have to testify against one's dinner guest. Hathorne: [ Chuckles ] Countess Marburg: [ Chuckles ] Sebastian: Very well, then. If the good doctor will not perform for you, I am more than happy to play his role. Cotton: [ Clears throat ] Ladies and... gentlemen... [ Sighs ] If you will indulge me a moment. I have a-a question to put to miss Hale, and, um, I ask it in the sight of god and all of Salem's finest. Anne... Will you marry me? Anne: [ Gasps ] Forgive me. I... I'm quite overcome. I just need some time to compose myself. Excuse me. [ Insects chirping ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Distorted wailing ] [ Wailing continues ] Cotton: You dare to call yourself magistrate and treat your fellow man like that? Hathorne: Indians... Godless heathens. [ Door creaks ] There is no law against driving a hard bargain. [ Indistinct conversation in distance ] Finally, I plied them with port. [ Chuckles ] By the time the night was through, they gave me all the furs they trapped that season in exchange for two dull axes and a moth-eaten blanket. Countess Marburg: Like piggies at the trough... Little knowing how soon they will be led to the slaughter. Mary: Some of them have their uses. Countess Marburg: True enough, I suppose. Mr. Hathorne will make a fine puritan beard for us to wear... Greedy and easily manipulated... So he will live. Young Mather, on the other hand... Mary: Is harmless. Countess Marburg: Hardly. Filled with passion and ideals... There's very little more dangerous than that combination. No, he must die. So, young Mather can join his father in Hell. And, of course, the handsome Dr. Wainwright... He shall die first of all... Too fearless, too intelligent, above all, too curious. Wouldn't you agree? After all, as you'll soon learn, if you've not already, it's precisely sacrifice that fuels our work. You might say that sacrificing what we most love is the key to opening... All doors. Hathorne: Are they cultivated? No. They hunt and... [ Rattling ] Tituba: What are you doing in here? Anne: Escaping a boring dinner and a drunken fiancé. Tituba: Out. Anne: [ Sighs ] [ Door closes ] Sebastian: You must know a great deal about witchcraft, Reverend, to make such fine distinctions. Cotton: I studied the matter in college. My family is also well-versed. But I continue to read and continue to learn when I can. Hathorne: Learning. Really? [ Chuckles ] Is that what they call it these days? Tituba: Come, child. We must go. Boy: My mother said to stay inside. Tituba: Your mother does not understand the danger here. Now, come with me. Boy: No. She said I didn't have to go. I was to stay here! I want to see my mother! Tituba: Shh! There is no time. Come on. Cotton: Light and truth. Hathorne: This roast is most delicious. Anne: I quite agree. Cotton: Hathorne, would you pass the salt? Hathorne: How will such a college be paid for, Mather? Mary: That matter we discussed this morning... Removing all traces of George. Sebastian: We just did. [ Indistinct conversation ] Boy: I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to stay in my room... but I was scared. Mary: Oh, that's all right, love. We all get scared sometimes. Countess Marburg: And who is this... precious little boy? Mary: This is George's nephew. Countess Marburg: And where are his parents? Mary: Slaughtered by Indians. We have only just ransomed him back. He is unused to civilized company and most naughty for interrupting our dinner. Tell Nathaniel to take you to bed and read you a story. Countess Marburg: He is a most precious, little lamb. [ Insects chirping ] Cotton: Anne. Anne: Cotton! Cotton: I've been looking for you. Is that an answer? Anne: To what? Cotton: [ Chuckles ] W... to my proposal. Anne: Yes. Cotton: Yes? Yes. Anne: Yes. Cotton: Yes. Oh, love. Anne: [ Sighs ] [ Gasps ] No, I'm sorry, Cotton, I can't. Not like this. Wainwright: Mather? Anne: Not tonight. Wainwright: You said you wanted to be there. Well, it's time for you to protect my immortal soul. Cotton: [ Chuckles ] Goodnight, then. Anne: Good night. Tituba: We were both born free, John Alden... And both ended slaves to the same woman. John: Not me. Not anymore. Tituba: If that were true, witch hunter, Mary Sibley would be dad by now. John: What do you want from me? Tituba: For now, I am content merely to scratch an itch. But soon, when the time is right, you shall be the thing that I hold over Mary Sibley. You shall be my wapon in this witch wr. Cotton: I heard rumors you perform autopsy. Wainwright: Autopsy is performed on the dad, vivisection on the living. Cotton: What you propose is a mortal sin. Wainwright: Here, take the lamp. You may say whatever words you think your God might like. Cotton: I have none for such an occasion. Wainwright: A silent clergyman... Perhaps the divine exists after all. [ Sighs ] [ Flesh tearing ] Man: [ Groans weakly ] [ Flesh tearing ] [ Hissing ] [ Both coughing ] Cotton: [ Muffled ] What in God's name? His organs have liquefied into bile. Man: [ Groaning weakly ] Wainwright: Oh. It's as though the bile consumes its victim from the inside out. [ Hissing ] [ Bubbling ] Wainwright: How far do you think it goes? Cotton: All the way to Hell. [ Indistinct conversations ] Countess Marburg: So beautiful. Sebastian: Indeed. I can still see her... Hear her golden laugh yet in my e... Countess Marburg: Not her, him... the boy. Sebastian: A poor wr orphan? What of him? Countess Marburg: All my questions are answered. Mary Sibley indeed has everything she needs to complete what she has gn, but she doesn't know what it is. She's almost as dim as you. Do you know how long it's been since I saw even a glimpse of my dark lord's face? Why, the mountains themselves were young then. And now... so close. He is already inside the boy. And come the comet... We shall let him out. Sebastian: Mercy. Countess Marburg: There's a reason we use the tub for that, mercy. Mercy: Oh, I know. I'm so sorry. It was just... Oh, it was so good. Sebastian: You will be sorry, you filthy, little wretch! Countess Marburg: Children, children... It's only a little blood. Come along, Mercy. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Mercy: Mm. Countess Marburg: Oh, I was going to give her the girl anyway. Perhaps we can squeeze a few more drops out of her. I want Mercy to look her best tomorrow. Mercy: Why? What is tomorrow? Countess Marburg: Mm, tomorrow, you will fetch me a most special lamb. Mercy: [ Laughs ] [ Creaking ] [ Glass shatters ] [ Creaking ] [ Wind rushes ] Cotton: Who's there? I must be going mad. You're dad. [ Creaking ] This can't be. I k*lled you. What is it you want? [ Breathing heavily ] [ Screaming ]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x07 - The Beckoning Fair One"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mary: Increase Mather, I call you from Hell. The witch you klled walks the streets of Salem. Now help me defeat her for good. Countess Marburg: I want you to steal your father's book of shadows. There are secrets in that book... Secrets you and I both need. Tituba: Witch kller, you will kll no witches tonight. Countess Marburg: I, too, would see Mary Sibley curled into a ball of pain. And I have much use for a beauty such as will be yours. Mr. Hale: This room, whose door only blood can open, is our sanctuary. Wainwright: I've never seen a pox like this. Cotton: But you've never seen a witch pox. Wainwright: It's as though the bile consumes its victim from the inside out. [ Hissing ] Countess Marburg: My dark lord is already inside the boy. And come the comet... We shall let him out. Cotton: You're dad. I klled you. [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] Increase: [ Gasps ] Mary: I gave you leave to spy on the Countess, not haunt the streets of Salem like some ghost from a cheap ballad. You said that once you were sure, you would tell me the secret to destroying Countess Marburg. You spoke of an object. Well? Increase: [ Laughs ] Mary: Increase... Tell me or I will hurl your soul back to Hell in an instant! Increase: I can indeed tell you how to destroy her... For a price. Mary: Name it. Increase: I must speak with my son Cotton. Mary: About me? Increase: No. About me and him, parent and child. You wouldn't understand. Mary: You may see your son... Once you have told me everything. Increase: Legends say Countess Ingrid Palatine Von Marburg was already alive when Lucifer fell and she was one of the first to call him lord, to kiss his infernal lips to make herself his bride, and that still she dreams of the return of her lover and works ceaselessly to that end. There is nothing she would not do, no one she would not kll... Men, women, children, even witches... To bring the devil back. Who can say when first she died or how? But in those days when magic itself was young, her body was enshrined in an elaborate sarcophagus that shielded not only her rotting remains, but a vital spark of her soul, which, like a cinder carefully tended, is enough to reignite her life force again and again and again. No manner of execution... Drowning, burning, beheading... Can quench the infernal flame of the witch. They say she's tasted death time and again, always returning to curse the world with her beauty and to continue her efforts to make this world his kingdom and to rule beside him. And she almost succeeded many years ago, when I first met her. She tried to hide from me using her powers of glamour to disguise herself amongst some refugee children. But... I found her. Girl: Increase Mather... Increase: [ Gasps ] Girl: You will burn in hell for this. Increase: If that is the sacrifice I must make to kll you, witch, so be it. Girl: [ Laughs ] Better men than you have tried and died, while I am still here. [ Choking ] [ Hissing ] Increase: [ Grunting ] [ Groaning ] I carried the pain every day of my life. Even as I klled her, the box which holds her unholy remains was safely hidden. Mary: But where is it now? Increase: Shall I trust a wasp not to sting? No. I will see my son first. Mary: No. No, you will tell me first. Increase: Or what? You have nothing to thrat me with. I'm dad, already destined to return to Hell. But you... you... You have much to lose, including your life. Do not forget, she has klled far more witches than I have. So perhaps it's time for you to learn something new... Trust. Mary: [ Chuckles ] [ "Cupid carries a gn" plays ] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [ Horse whinnies ] Anne: [ Breathing heavily ] Cotton. [ Laughs ] [ Moaning ] [ Gasping ] Sebastian: To sleep, perchance to dream. What a fetching sight, watching you mewl and moan. Were you dreaming of me? Anne: Of course not. Now leave at once. A gentleman does not sneak into a woman's bedroom. Sebastian: I am no gentleman. Anne: What do you want? Sebastian: Stop trembling. Whatever it is I want, it is not your virginity. I have no use for a pale, inexperienced little stick like you. I'm here for the book. Anne: Perhaps if I knew what you were looking for... [ Gasps ] Sebastian: No tricks, Anne. My mother would have your father's book of shadows. That's all you need to know. Anne: You are hurting me. [ Breathing heavily ] Sebastian: Give me the book or I will bathe my mother in your blood to ease her disappointment. Anne: Release me. [ Knfe clatters ] Sebastian: Why, you little bitch. I will eat your heart. Anne: Really? And what will your mother say when she realizes you klled the only person who can give her what she wants? Sebastian: And what shall I tell her? Anne: Tell her she was right. The book is mine, and I will not give it to her until I choose. [ Door opens ] Boy: Mother! Mary: I'm glad to see you, too, John. Love... Oh! Why... why the tears? Boy: Please don't send me away. Mary: I would never send you away. W-whatever gave you such an idea? Boy: I never see you, and I know you were angry with me last night at the dinner. Mary: No. No. I've been very busy. I'm always thinking of you... Always. And as soon as my work is done, we shall spend every day together. I promise. Boy: But I'm so lonely, Mother. Why can't I go out and play? Mary: Just because you have to remain inside doesn't mean we can't play, okay? The perfect way to cultivate your imagination, perhaps even your talent. At your age, the world is a blank slate. We must find the best way for you to inscribe your truth on it. See? Boy: [ Chuckles ] Mary: John... What is this about? Boy: They just come to me. Mary: [ Gasps ] Tituba: He must be watched at all times. Mary: He is fine now he is with me. Tituba: He is unsettled, vulnerable. I care only for the child. Mary: If you are so concerned about my son, here's a task most suited to your skills. I'm sure one as cunning as you can find a way to remove bird shit from his linen. [ Horse whinnies ] [ Metal clanking ] Anne: Cotton? Cotton: Anne. Anne: What's wrong? You look ill. Cotton: Well, I-I-I, uh... I had a most disturbed night. I-I saw... [ Gasps ] I-I don't know what I saw. Perhaps it was just a dream. S-so, I, um... I came to see if this, too, was, um, but a dream, that you would deign to marry me. Anne: Are you sure that your love for me isn't the dream, one you may wake from any day now? Cotton: Not in this life, nor after. My... my heart is forever yours. I'm sure of it. In love, I now understand Faith, and with my faith, I... I begin to understand Love. Anne: How so? Cotton: The leap. In love and in faith, the evidence will only take you so far. Anne: [ Chuckles ] Cotton: And, then, um... And then... Anne: And after the leap, then what? The fall? Cotton: No. Flight. Anne: [ Laughs ] [ Breathing heavily ] [ Groans ] [ Brown Jenkins squeaking ] Why do you think the Marburgs want my father's book so badly, Mr. Jenkins? [ Brown Jenkins squeaking ] I don't suppose you have any ideas. [ Squeaking ] [ Squeaking intensifies ] [ Squeaking stops ] [ Breathing heavily ] [ Gasping ] John: [ Coughs ] [ Groans ] Ah! I thought you weren't done with me yet. Tituba: I wasn't. But I might be. John: [ Clears throat ] Tituba: It all depends on you, witch hunter, whether or not you can see how well our interests are aligned. John: Our interests? A witch and me? It's hard to see what we've got in common. Tituba: Love and betrayal. That is what we have in common. We have both loved the same woman and been betrayed by her time and time again. John: Then why serve her all these years? Tituba: What choice has a slve but to serve and plot? John: And what part in your plot am I? Tituba: That is up to you, John Alden. There is so much we can do for each other. We come from different worlds. We might yet make a new one together. Think on it. [ Rocking horse creaking ] Wainwright: Off your knees and on your feet, man. We've seen what happens to one plague victim. Let's see what happens to a hundred of them. Is it love that still has you addled? Miss Hale turned you down? Cotton: No. She has accepted me. Wainwright: Be careful what you wish for, then, eh? Cotton: What do you think becomes of us after death? Wainwright: It is not death, Mather, merely marriage. Well, for the victims of this pox, that is precisely what I intend us to find out at the Crags. Cotton: And the rest of us? Wainwright: What has turned your thoughts to the grave? Cotton: I will tell you something I dared not even share with my love. The ghost of my father paid me a visit last night. Go ahead. Laugh if you will. Wainwright: Last night, you were far from sober, and when you left me, you were clearly unfinished. For once, trust reason. Admit that your father's image was the offspring of your own overheated brain. Now come. We're up to our necks in this mess. We may as well be in over our heads. Cotton: The Crags, is it? Wainwright: Have you got any food or drink to bring along? I think we should be out there some time. Cotton: Yes. Anne: [ Sobs ] [ Brown Jenkins squeaking ] I'm no closer to discovering what my father concealed in these pages. I'm sorry to say, Brown Jenkins, so far your blood has been in vain. [ Squeaking ] Then my blood. Aah! [ Whimpers ] [ Breathing heavily ] [ Brown Jenkins squeaking ] Brown Jenkins? My father's book... My father's blood. [ Gasps ] [ Door opens, creaks ] Tituba: Child, what is this? Secrets are meant to be kept. Boy: No! [ Thud ] [ Bird caws ] Tituba: I only meant to say, little master, your memories are your own, as is your destiny. It's best you keep both to yourself for now. [ Door creaks, closes ] Boy: You can come out now. Wainwright: Well, just because you cannot see the world that lies beyond the horizon does not mean it's invisible. Eventually, we will see it. Cotton: You would look into the face of God? Wainwright: Well, some would suggest that God and nature are one and the same. Cotton: [ Chuckles ] Now you blaspheme, sir. Though I could almost agree with you, seeing these angels of nature. Ahh! To fly. Wainwright: Ah, do not envy the birds. They do not fly for joy. They fly to eat. [ Liquid bubbling ] Cotton: Lay aside your science, Wainwright, and fall to your knees. This is what they plan for us... For all of us. Wainwright: They? Who? Cotton: The blackhearted souls who stand behind all of Salem's horrors... Witches. [ Gurgling ] My god! Cotton: If you wondered what the witches were planning with their pox, now you see. They would open the door to Hell. Wainwright: What, so the damned may escape or the devil himself? Cotton: God himself once became flesh and walked among us. Who's to say the devil wouldn't do the same? Wainwright: The only Hell I believe in is a blackened human heart. I don't believe in witches or devils. But I do believe in evil, and I think you're right. There is great evil at work here... Human evil. And if so, it could be anyone, and they are more than likely hiding amongst us. So for the moment, I beg you, say no more of this. The last thing we should do is attract their attention. Look, the key is to understand what they're doing and to try and figure out how to stop them. But say too much too soon, and it'll be they who stop us forever. [ Door creaks ] Cotton: [ Groans ] Here is where the witches would lead all of Salem, all the country, all the world... Into the open mouth of Hell. Increase: At last, you see the truth, my prodigal son. Cotton: Truth? I don't... Know what that even means anymore. Especially when spoken by... A waking dream. Poison be the cure. [ Glass shatters ] And have you journeyed all this way from Hell? Increase: Matter of fact, I have. Cotton: [ Laughs ] Increase: And I haven't much time. Cotton: Wow, that's astonishing! To escape Hell itself, and why? To mock my myriad failures one last time? [ Laughs ] Oh, Father, how you must hate me. Increase: It is not hate compels me here, but love. Cotton: Love? You have never known an instant of love. Where, oh, where did you discover love? Increase: Where else? In Hell. Something happened to me there, most unexpected... Compassion for and with all who suffer. Compassion is a balm, a cooling drop of water in the belly of the volcano. To feel such an emotion when one is burning, suffering. And who suffers more than you, dearest son? Cotton: And your love, I suppose, um... Compelled you to journey all this way to warn me that if I don't change my life, I will end up in Hell beside you. Increase: I've not come to warn you that you could end in Hell. I've come all this way to tell you... You are already there. Cotton: What? Increase: Cotton, you are in Hell, even now. I have seen it. You are burning. And I cannot bear to see it. Cotton: If what you say is true... It is too late. Increase: Save yourself. Cotton: Save myself? But how? Increase: I do not know. I will tell you now what I never told you in life. You are a better man than I. Your mind is deeper, your words are truer, and your heart... Cotton: [ Sobs ] Increase: Your heart is far more pure. Do not let my failures be yours. And know this... I love you. Cotton: [ Sobbing ] Boy: No, she's not. My mother's good. [ Giggles ] She does too love me. That's a lie. My mother is good. [ Giggles ] Mary: Who is here with you? Boy: No One. Mary: Why do you laugh? Boy: That's my friend's name... "No One." Mary: [ Sighs ] And, uh, what was your, uh, friend, No One, saying about me? You can tell me. Go on. Boy: My friend doesn't like you very much. She says underneath your pretty face, you're a horrid old hag, and that you kll people all the time. And she called you... What was it?... Oh, yes, a filthy whore. Mary: John, who taught you such words? Boy: You are alone, all alone, and will die alone, you bloody-handed whore. Mary: Stop it. Stop it, John. Boy: Whore, whore! Whore, whore, whore! Mary: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Boy: [ Gasps ] Mary: John, I am so sorry. Please, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Boy: You're not even my real mother. Mary: That's not true. That is not. That's not true. I am your real mother, and I love you with all my heart. Please, I'm sorry. Boy: Get out. I hate you. Get out. Mary: John... Boy: Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! [ Door closes ] Mercy: There, now. She feels your pain. I told you she would. And soon they all will. Shh. Mary: Doctor, what a pleasant surprise. Wainwright: The surprise is entirely mine... Only because I missed the telltale signs for so long. Mary: Whatever are you talking about? Wainwright: Start with Isaac... "Your" Isaac. First victim of this pox that is so impossibly and yet so conveniently confined to Salem. Near whose hand I found the Malum... Which foolish Cotton Mather swears is the source of the pox... And, low and behold, upon further investigation, I find the fool is right. Isaac with a bag of gold amounting to a small fortune, Isaac who spoke only one name over and over in his delirium... "Mary." The same Mary who insisted, against all opposition, that the victims of this pox must be deposited at the Crags. Mary who ordered a cordon around Salem and forbade me travel to Andover in pursuit of a cure. All roads lead to you. The conclusion is inescapable. You, Mary Sibley, are responsible for this pox. Mary: Who have you told? Wainwright: Not a soul. But Cotton Mather has nearly figured it out. And if he knew what I knew, he surely would. But I have convinced him that we must handle this, for the moment, in secrecy. Mary: I suppose you want the glory of catching the witch yourself? Wainwright: Not at all. It is not my sense of justice that is aroused, it is my curiosity. See, I would know how such a thing is possible. Mary: You desire my confession? Wainwright: [ Chuckles ] Open your eyes, woman. It is me, Wainwright. I am not a puritan. Indeed, I'm not even a Christian. No, my religion is science. And I am more convinced than ever that what the Church calls magic and witchcraft is but undiscovered science. I told you once that I had never met a woman like you, one who would peer into the abyss with me. But now I know you have peered longer and deeper than I. Mary: And what is it you want from me? Wainwright: I want in. Tituba: Don't you see, John Alden? We both want the same things. John: You have no idea what I want. Tituba: First the puritans betrayed you, then she betrayed you. Everyone betrayed you, just like they did me. John: Betrayed you? Tituba: I was happy to help these Essex witches kll those who slaughtered my people. But they will never truly accept me as one of them. And she... never loved me. Merely used me. Can't you see how delicious it would be, and how just? You, me... We destroy them all, puritan and witch alike. John: [ Exhales sharply ] [ Both breathing heavily ] Tituba: Can you see now how closely our interests are aligned? John: [ Groans ] [ Both breathing heavily ] Tituba: See how well we work together? [ Moaning ] John: [ Grunting ] [ Both moaning ] John: Ohh! [ Chains rattle ] Ohh! [ Both moaning ] Tituba: Do you see? John: No. Still not seeing it, I'm afraid. So why don't you go to Hell, where you belong? [ Bubbling ] Wainwright: And this orrery, like some celestial clockwork, tracks the comet overhead? Only the great Edmond Halley has even speculated that comets are not singular occurrences, that they cyclically return. And yet you witches have known for centuries. Such knowledge, such power, and yet you hamstring your own great achievements. You are scientists years beyond the rest of us. Why do you hide? Mary: Because they kll us if we do not. Wainwright: I understand now. Like Socrates, like Galileo, like Bruno, you are martyrs of truth. And finally you are fighting back, waging wr against the puritans. And wiping out your enemies. Well, I will tell you, your enemies are my enemies. Mary: I have many enemies. Wainwright: Well, perhaps you need some more friends. Trust me and I will dedicate myself to you... All my knowledge, all my insight and ingenuity. Armed with the secrets of your world, I will be not only friend but a wapon. Can you do that... trust me? [ Brown Jenkins squeaking ] Anne: "For there are some who dream not as others dream, who see not as others see, but gaze through stranger eyes. Such are not what they seem by day, but rule the world by night." Mercy: What kind of mother would abandon her only child to the woods? And then leave him in the hands of foul hags for seven years? Such a good boy deserves to have more. Boy: Deserves to have everything. Mercy: [ Laughing ] Oh, yes. That is the spirit. Open it. I know you can. Boy: But it's locked. I've tried it. Mother and Tituba... Mercy: Couldn't keep me out. They cannot keep you in. That door belongs to you. It is yours. All things are yours. Just tell it what to do. Boy: Open. [ Door opens, creaks ] Mary: Now we share one breath. All magic begins in arousal. Wainwright: [ Breathing heavily ] Mary: Slower. Slower. Stop. Contain your excitement. Direct your arousal, or all of this dissolves into dream. [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Dog barking in distance ] Mercy: She wouldn't even let you out to play. Come. Come. The night is our playground. [ Chuckles ] Boy: [ Giggles ] Mercy: Come on. [ Both laugh ] [ Indistinct shouting in distance ] Sebastian: So this is the boy who sets my mother's heart ablaze. You seem an ordinary enough sort to me. But Mother knows best. She says you are very special. A little prince. Well, then, little prince, it's time to meet your queen. Mary: Increase. Increase: I thank you for allowing me to go to my son. Should you ever have children, heed this advice... Do not wait until you are d*ad to tell them you love them. Mary: I kept my word. Now hurry and keep yours. Where has she hidden the box that contains her soul? In Boston? Increase: No. She keeps it close. It rarely leaves her sight. Mary: Then where? On the ship? Increase: No, not on the ship. It is the ship. Mary: It is the ship? What do you mean? Increase. Increase?	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x08 - d*ad Birds"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... John: I thought you weren't done with me yet. Tituba: Depends on you, witch hunter, whether or not you can see how well our interests are aligned. John: It's hard to see what we've got in common. Tituba: Love and betrayal. Sebastian: My mother would have your father's book of shadows. Anne: Tell her the book is mine, and I will not give it to her until I choose. Cotton: Lay aside your science, Wainwright, and fall to your knees. This is what they plan for us. Wainwright: They? Who? Cotton: Witches. Wainwright: And this orrery, like some celestial clockwork, tracks the comet overhead? Mary: What is it you want from me? Wainwright: I want in. Countess Marburg: My dark lord is already inside the boy. And come the comet... We shall let him out. Mercy: What kind of mother would abandon her only child to the woods? The night is our playground. Mary: You said that once you were sure, you would tell me the secret tor destroying Countess Marburg. You spoke of an object. Increase: She keeps it close. Mary: Where? On the ship? Increase: It is the ship. Sebastian: This is the boy who sets my mother's heart ablaze. It's time to meet your queen. [ Clicking ] [ Bubbling ] Wainwright: I must have more of you and your unfathomable secrets. Mary: Mm, do not fear. You will in time. My dear doctor, I really thought that no man could find his way into my affections. But you have surprised me in so many ways. In return, you have had a small taste of the ecstasy and insight that awaits you down the crooked way. I warn you... It leads far from the comfortable main roads of civilization. Wainwright: Well, then let me begin my journey at once. Mary: Patience. Before you can continue your journey, you must go before the dark powers and strike your own bargain. At the witching hour, at midnight... Your journey begins then. In the meantime, you must make yourself useful. Wainwright: Anything. I am your humble servant. Mary: Destroy all your work... Everything you have written or gathered on the plague. All of it must be brned. Wainwright: [ Chuckles ] A scientist's notes are his life blood and the building blocks of all of his work. Mary: I told you last night... We are at wr. Your observations on the plague are proof of my witchcraft. If Cotton Mather were to find it... Wainwright: You ask too much of me. Mary: But in return, you shall have so much more. Wainwright: [ Sighs ] It's true. Mather did all but promise to lead a crusade against the witches of Salem, and they would treat you far worse than the Inquisition treated Galileo. They would burn you like Bruno. Mary: Well, then unless you wish to see me martyred for our science, there can be nothing that leads back to me. Wainwright: It is not my papers that will lead him back to you but what we saw in the crags. Mary: Leave the crags to me. Wainwright: [ Sighs heavily ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Tituba: Shall I bring the young master his breakfast? Mary: No. No, I have another task for you. Tituba: Increase Mather! Mary: The one and only. I used it to summon his soul. Tituba: Risking necromancy without my aid is dangerous enough, but to raise Increase Mather from the dad... Mary: Your aid? I have new allies. Do not worry your cowardly mind. I've already sent him back from whence he came. But his specter proved quite useful. Apparently our Countess has a weakness... Her ancient, rotting corpse is the secret to her longevity. Increase told me where to find it, and at the right moment, it and she will be mine. Tituba: You trust him? Mary: Rather than you? I dare say. Now, for once, can you just do your job? You may start by disposing of that. Time to wake, John. Seize the day, my love. John? Countess Marburg: Lost something? How careless. [ "Cupid carries a gn" plays ] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: Where is he? Countess Marburg: Our little lamb is safe and sound. Mary: Tell me what you've done with him or I will rip the truth from your heart. Countess Marburg: [ Chuckles ] My heart? Better you should search your own. Mary: Oh, to hell with your riddles. Speak plainly or choke on my wrath. What have you done with my son? Countess Marburg: Perhaps it was the genius of those hags and your dusky caretaker to keep you in such ignorance. Mary: Ignorance? Of what? Countess Marburg: Poor dear. Of everything. Surely you knew that no great working can take place without a sacrifice. Mary: No. Countess Marburg: For this, the greatest of all workings, only the greatest of all sacrifices will do. Your son was born precisely that he should be the vessel for the dark lord's return. Mary: You are lying. It cannot be. Countess Marburg: I know this must seem... a terrible betrayal. Do you not think that the other Mary felt betrayal when she realized what God intended for the son he gave her? The Angel of the annunciation failed to mention that she would end up weeping at the foot of the cross beneath her slaughtered son. Now, like that other Mary, you must look beyond the deceit and embrace the glorious gift. And what an honor to sacrifice one's own to such a cause. It's a sacrifice I sought to make many years ago with my own son, Sebastian. I would have given anything for that honor, for him as well as for me. Alas, it was not meant to be. Mary: [ Crying ] There must be another way. Countess Marburg: I'm afraid not. When the comet blazes overhead tomorrow night, little John will be baptized in the river of hell-blood and granted the infinite honor of using his mortal frame to bear his dark force. Mary: [ Sobbing ] No. No, I won't do it. Countess Marburg: The choice is yours. Join us at the crags tomorrow and baptize him, allow our little prince to fulfill his destiny... Or I will bathe in his young blood as I have so many others. Mary: kll him and the Grand Rite is over. Countess Marburg: For a time, yes. C'est la vie. But I am everlasting, unlike you, and when the starry messenger returns, it will be I who completes the Grand Rite. Mary: So either way, if I do as you say, my boy dies. Countess Marburg: He was only born to be a vessel. Do not deprive him or yourself of that honor. Mary: [ Crying ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Knocks on door ] Cotton: [ Groans ] Go away! I'm in no state for visitors, especially the likes of you. How dare you. Hathorne: My god, man. If pigs could read, this is how they'd live. Cotton: I owe you no explanation. This is my home. Now get out of it. Hathorne: I have this morning received a communication from Boston telling me of your banishment. Cotton: [ Laughs ] Hathorne: Our elders forbade your returning to Salem. Cotton: It's of no consequence. I was... meant to come back. Hathorne: You believe the law does not apply to you. Cotton: I live by the law, sir... The highest law. God's calling far outweighs the rules of a few narrow-minded bostonians. Hathorne: So, you think you're divinely summoned to be in our village? Cotton: For all our safety, I must be here to fight the witches. In my father's own words, save my very soul. Hathorne: Your father no longer breathes the air of Salem, and soon, neither shall you. Gentlemen, escort him away. Cotton: [ Scoffs ] Hathorne, listen to me. This is much bigger than our rivalry over Anne Hale. Hathorne: I am not here as a man but as a magistrate... To do my duty. Cotton: Then let me stay here. As magistrate, it is your duty to protect this village. I have proof that the witches spread this pox and will use it to damn all of our souls to Hell. Hathorne: What is your proof? Cotton: You know the dad were sent to the crags? Hathorne: Yes. Against my wishes. Cotton: There the cadavers have turned into a kind of... Evil black pitch. It forms a portal to Hell. Hathorne: Hell? Sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic 'neath the full moon. Cotton: Or a man in terror who has seen it with his own eyes. I expect little trust from you. But put your faith in Dr. Wainwright. His reputation cannot be assailed. He was with me and witnessed the same. He will tell you that. [ Door opens ] Wainwright: Mather. I'd no doubt enjoy one of our stimulating philosophical jousts, but my time at the moment is quite short. Cotton: Then I'll be brief. I need you to relay our treacherous situation to the magistrate. Wainwright: Well, in fact, I have some surprisingly good news. Today marks the first 24-hour period since I arrived in Salem without a single new infection. I do believe the worst may be past and this pox may finally be dying down. Hathorne: [ Clears throat ] Cotton: I've, um, spoken to him of the horrors we witnessed yesterday. Wainwright: Yes, well, [Chuckles] It's not often that I allow a novice to join my research, but Mather insisted on accompanying me to investigate the victims burry hell grounds. Wainwright: [ Sighs ] Little of any help. I had hoped to locate something to better fight off this parasitical pox. Cotton: Tell him about the black pitch. Wainwright: Black pitch? Cotton: What we both saw at the crags... Bodies disintegrating into an ungodly black pitch. A most unnatural substance you said you'd never eyed before. For god's sake, man, it set a branch on fre. Inwright: My dear Mather, we'd both had a fair bit to drink the night before, and in the light of day, I can't really say what I saw. Cotton: You saw what I saw, and now I need you to tell the magistrate about it. Wainwright: Be reasonable, friend. We saw nothing that can't be explained by the condition of those who saw it. Gentlemen, this pox may nearly be over, but I still have much work to do. Hathorne: What say you about this discrepancy, Mather? Cotton: He's lying! For all we know, he is under some witch's control! Wainwright: Mather, I like you, truly, but you go too far, and I've had enough. You have the word of a royally certified physician or a failed divine known for his drunken rages who attcked even you, so believe who you will. Cotton: Or believe your own eyes. As magistrate, you owe it to the people of Salem to investigate yourself. Come with me to the crags and then decide who speaks the truth. You want to save this town. You want to be Salem's leader. All I ask is that you see for yourself. Wainwright: I won't have any more of this nonsense. Hathorne: N-no, doctor. We shall go, all three of us. Wainwright: With all due respect, Magistrate... Hathorne: As magistrate, it is not your respect I require but your obedience. Wainwright: As you will. The Angels of Revelation said: "Come. See. Hell is here." Wainwright: Birds often die in a flock. It's grotesque, yes, but hardly unnatural. Cotton: God in Heaven... Wainwright: Just as I said. Hathorne: Where is your devilish black pitch? Cotton: It's the witches' doing. They've made it disappear. Hathorne: Or perhaps your gin consumption has finally caught up with you. Wainwright: In all fairness, my dear friend has suffered much lately... The loss of a father, banishment. And the strains of life can sometimes make the mind play vicious tricks. Cotton: It is not my mind playing vicious tricks but your lying mouth. Wainwright: My dear Mather, you said not two nights ago you'd seen your dad father. You must recognize that that hallucination was brought on by your own distressed soul. And I believe this was just more of the same. Cotton: Who got to you? What did they offer you?! Hathorne: Take him away. Cotton: You've sold your soul! You will go to hell. Let go of me! [ Grunting, breathing heavily ] You will burn in hell, Wainwright! Hell!! Sebastian: [ Claps ] Bravo. I always say a beautiful woman should break her mirror early. Mary: Come to twist your mother's dagger? Sebastian: Oh, no. No, my mother doesn't know I'm here. I've just come by to... to help you see things more clearly. Mary: Very nice. Can you do that with my life? Sebastian: If you'd let me, I just might. Mary: My son is all that means anything to me. Sebastian: And to my mother. Mary: She wants... Sebastian: We both know what she wants. Do you know what I want? You. I saw you with him last night. Imagine what that would feel like with a fellow adept rather than a novice. Mary: Take my body, just give me back my son. Sebastian: Hold that thought. [ Door opens ] Speak of the devil and he appears. [ Knock on door ] Wainwright: Am I interrupting? Mary: [ Sighs ] Wainwright: I'm sorry. I'll come back. Mary: No, uh, come in, Doctor. We were just... Sebastian: Speaking of you. Mary has told me everything. Mary and I share many things, except, it would seem, her bed. That delight apparently is yours and yours alone. Wainwright: It seems I may have tread upon territory once marked by another. Sebastian: No. Indeed no. It would seem the better man has claimed the prize. Do not worry. I... Mary trusts me enough to keep your nighttime dalliances to myself. So can you. And please rest assured there is no ill will between us, and there are no secrets between the three of us now. Follow my lead. Be careful what you say. As for your boy, anything is possible... For good or for ill. Mary: The baron is one of us. He would advance our cause. You may speak freely. Wainwright: Well, I've just come back from the crags with Mather and Hathorne. I don't know how you did it, but Mather was utterly baffled. And no one, Hathorne least of all, will believe anything he says now. Mary: We call it glamour. Sebastian: Yes, a minor, but effective tool. Wainwright: [ Chuckles ] Minor? It's beyond the conception of our greatest minds. I must know more. Sebastian: And so you shall. Mary and I were just discussing that. Think of me as a guide who, along with Mary, will lead you to explore your new horizons. You understand it is not easy for a woman of her standing to move about with a man such as yourself. People would talk. She has asked me to act in her stead. And I can assure you, sir, I am skilled at the highest order of the dark arts and sciences. I am to lead you to the woods for your initiation. Wainwright: Now? Sebastian: But of course. Why waste any time? A man of your caliber will be of inestimable use to us. And the sooner you are initiated, the better. Wainwright: Is this your will, ma'am? Should I follow him? Sebastian: You can't save everyone. Think of your boy. If you ever want to see him again, leave the good doctor to me. Mary: Yes. Yes, he will show you the way. Wainwright: Excellent. The sooner I tear the veil away, the better. I'm positively giddy as a schoolboy. Sebastian: Time enough for all that later. Come. There are secrets of the universe to unveil. [ Brown Jenkins squeaks ] Mr. Hale: My dearest daughter, if you are reading this, then I am dad, and you have gone some way down the dark path. I sealed this work so that you could only read it if you had attained some skills and a familiar. But what awaits is yet more significant and treacherous. Perhaps I was mistaken in keeping this all from you, but I dreamt I could save you from your fate. Now the lessons I should have taught you, you'll have to learn without me. But my heart and love are with you always. Know that you are not alone. [ Insects buzzing ] Sebastian: Mary certainly chose her protégé well. Wainwright: How so? Sebastian: Most men fear two things... The demon-haunted night and the woods filled with Indians and far worser beasts. And yet, here you are, and you're not the slightest bit afraid. Wainwright: My mind is not shackled by the petty superstitions and fairy tales of religion. Sebastian: Well, let us just say there are accurate superstitions and true fairy tales. As you will soon learn, all true knowledge once came from the one they call the devil. He attempted, eons ago, to bestow this knowledge on a man and woman. Wainwright: Adam and Eve? Sebastian: As I said, some fairy tales are real. Are you ready to take a bite out of that forbidden fruit? Wainwright: I am. At whatever cost, I am. It's all that I've ever wanted from life... Answers. Sebastian: Rest assured, dear doctor, after tonight, all the secrets of the universe will be laid out before you and all your questions answered. That is, of course, should you complete your initiation with your sanity intact. Wainwright: I have so much to learn. I thank you, sir. Really. I believe my entire life has been leading to this very moment. Ever since I was a child, I-I've dreamt of nothing more than seeking out the hidden places in nature. Now I feel like... An explorer on the edge of an undiscovered continent. But not this continent... Something far greater. Sebastian: So you are, my optimistic friend. Now let your exploration begin. Wainwright: [ Screams ] Sebastian: To your exploration, sir. You shall be the first man since Dante to enter Hell alive. Fear not. I will be there to comfort Mary in your absence. Tituba: You wanted to see me? Mary: He is gone. Tituba: Who's gone? Mary: My son. You remember him. The one you spent all those years lying to me about. The Countess has him and prepares him for a sacrifice, but you know all about that, don't you? I seem to be the only one who didn't. Why? Why did you deceive me for all those years? Tituba: If I'd have told you, you never would have gone through with any of it. I did what was necessary. Mary: You were my friend. Tituba: Was I? Or was I never anything but your property? Your good father owned me like a horse or a cow, and I was to care for you. And I did. You were just a girl. What would you have done with a child? Mary: I would have loved him. I do love him. Tituba: And how long would your love have sustained you both in the wilderness? Mary: So you gave him away. Tituba: No. No, I didn't give him away. We sold him to the devil himself like I was sold as a slve time and time again. But unlike me, he fetched a great price. I told you then... In return, all the world would be yours. And so it is. And so it will be if you could just learn to harden your heart. Mary: What if I never wanted the world? What if a heart, a real heart, and the love that goes with it, is all I ever wanted? Tituba: Tell me, did you find any last night when you were spreading your legs for the good doctor while they snatched your child? Mary: [ Exclaims ] Tituba: Good. Let's see this true heart of yours. Go on. Do it. Cut mine out. kll the only person who's ever devoted themself entirely to you. Go on. Do it. Do it. If you think klling me will bring back any of the love you've lost, you're wrong. Only sparing me will. Mary: How? Tituba: John Alden is alive. Mary: John. I can't imagine what you must think. John: [ Inhales deeply ] It's easy. I just keep asking myself... "How did I ever love you?" Mary: I thought you were dad. I had no idea you were held here like this. Yes, I am one of the witches, but... John: No. No. You were never just one of them. You rule them. Why? Mary: Would it make a difference? John: Maybe. Maybe make me think that you were worth loving once upon a time. Mary: wr. wr against all our enemies. The very ones whose demise we dreamt of in our youth... The black-cloaked hypocrites who branded our friends, forbade our love, crushed all our hopes and dreams. I did nothing on my own behalf but everything for the world I thought we both wanted. And if it took their blood, all of their blood, to build it, then so be it. John: Bullshit. You... You've been lying to me from the moment I first left Salem. And you've never ceased lying since. Mary: If so, I have been repaid in lies a thousandfold, used by the other witches to do what I would never, ever do. John: And what's that? Hmm? Mary: kll our son. John: Our son? Mary: I have no life worth saving and nothing I've planned will ever come to be. I have no lies left, John, only an awful truth. Tituba: Wait. I know that he looks weak, but do not be deceived. He will kll us both. He's the witch kller. He's not the man you once loved. Mary: Well, none of us are who were once were, are we? John: [ Grunts ] Mary: kll me if you must, but it will not alter the facts. We do have a son. And they mean to kll him. Cotton: I need to speak to Anne Hale. She would want to come with me. Hathorne: Oh, isn't that just like the scoundrel? To doom an innocent with his own misery and punishment. Cotton: She is to be my wife. Hathorne: Perhaps. But that was before she knew just how far outside the bounds you'd step. But don't worry. I'll make sure she's informed of your situation. And when she cries over your predicament, I promise my own comforting shoulder will await her. Tell anyone who asks the coach was attcked by Pequot. Make sure he's dad by the time you reach Amherst. Mary: This is John's room. He asked who his father was. I told him you were the very best of men, as was your father before you. He asked your name, and he claimed it for himself. When you went to wr, I was a woman alone with child. John: Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known... Mary: You would have stayed and died at George Sibley's order. No. No, I had no escape till Tituba offered me salvation. John: You gave him up? Mary: Yes. I gave up our unborn child's life so that I might have a life of my own with you someday. What was I to do, John? I thought you died in the wr. I had no word from you. You left me with no choice. For seven long years, I have lived with the guilt that I left our unborn child for dad in those woods, never to take his first breath, never to see his first sunrise, to hear his mother's heart bat, to look into his father's eyes. John: You told me none of it! Mary: When you came back to Salem, it was too late for us. And they would have klled you. They nearly did. It took all my strength to shield you from them. I loved you with all my heart. Life had passed us by, and I believed the child we had created was gone forever. John: But our son lived? Mary: Yes. Yes, that was the real lie. They didn't want him dad, not then. I was deceived by the Essex witches, by all those around me, by the only friend I had. All those years that I believed our child was dad, Tituba knew that he was being raised in the woods by the Elders. She kept it a secret until that night we were to meet under the moon and leave Salem forever. But before I could come to you, Tituba brought our little boy to me. I couldn't abandon him yet again. I had to stay with our son. John: I have a son. We have a son. Mary: We do. John: [ Chuckles ] Mary: And if we don't stop them, he will die never knowing you. You said you came to kll witches. Was it really just to kll me? Just vengeance? Or do you want to stop them, stop what I started, what they mean to finish? John, I beg you. Forget what you think of me. Hate me. kll me. Just walk away and never see me again. But first, help me save our son. Mr. Hale: You have known for some time that you can move objects with your thought and without touch, but you must learn to do it without the heat of emotion. A lightning bolt may scorch an entire forest. Only a human hand can build a fre and tend a flame. Control is all. There is one power above all others, a divine power that comes with the greatest of responsibilities... That of life and death. The essence in all things is palpable to you. With it, you can give life or snatch it away. This is the truest malice a witch may perform... To kll at a distance with nothing but their will. You may wonder, dear daughter, with such gifts at your disposal, why I hid them from you. Because, dearest, there is no gift that is not also a curse, and I wish you save you from the price of your gifts. But having come this far, the price must be paid. I am so deeply sorry, my child, but it cannot be escaped or evaded. No gift without a curse. And he... is... the curse. Anne: [ Breathing shakily ] [ Creature growls in distance ] [ Screams ] [ Screams ] No! No! No! [ Crying ] Cotton! Cotton, help! [ Distantly ]: Cotton! [ Animal howls ] John: How can we find our son? Mary: Countess Marburg has him, but he will be well-guarded. John: No matter. I'll kll them all. Mary: No. No, she is far too powerful, stronger than any witch I've seen. But I know her weakness. Tomorrow night, she will take our son to the crags. They will be expecting me to join them, but you will be waiting for them, making sure our son remains out of harm's way. John: And where will you be? Mary: On the bitch's ship, finding her Achilles' heel and preparing to crush her. [ Indistinct talking ] Countess Marburg: Isn't it beautiful? A new star shines in Heaven just for you. And by the time it passes, you'll be that star. [ Indistinct chatter ] Mary: Do not fear, little one. Your father and I are coming for you.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x09 - Wages of Sin"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... [Clang] [Hisses] Anne: Aah! Cotton! Mary: What have you done with my son? Countess Marburg: When the comet blazes overhead tomorrow night, little John will be baptized in the river of hell-blood. Mary: We do have a son. And they mean to kll him. But you will be waiting for them. John: And where will you be? Mary: On the bitch's ship, finding her Achilles' heel. Sebastian: I saw you with him last night. Imagine what that would feel like with a fellow adept. Think of your boy. If you ever want to see him again, leave the good doctor to me. Cotton: Will you marry me? Hathorne, listen to me. This is much bigger than our rivalry over Anne Hale. [Screaming] Hathorne: Make sure he's dad by the time you reach Amherst. [Indistinct talking] Countess Marburg: ♪ hush-a-by baby ♪ ♪ in your wee boat ♪ ♪ when the waves rise ♪ ♪ the cradle will float ♪ ♪ when the waves die ♪ ♪ the cradle will fall ♪ ♪ and drown little baby ♪ ♪ cradle and all ♪ Boy: I want to go home. Countess Marburg: Soon, child, all the world shall be your home. Boy: But I want to see my mother. Countess Marburg: You will see her once more tonight. But until then, you must learn what will be expected. There will be a celebration tonight. And you will be the most important guest. And the sky will blaze with the comet. And incantations will be strung together like pearls on a necklace. Now, I do not want you to be afraid. So you must be prepared for how it is done. Boy: Why? Why must I be baptized? Countess Marburg: So that you can be born again. More powerful than before, with me at your side. Boy: I do not want you. I want my mother beside me. Countess Marburg: Oh, I understand. I once had someone that I loved dearly, and I lost him. But he will come again soon. So soon, I can taste it. Boy: [Muffled shout] Countess Marburg: [Sighs] True hearts will always be reunited. One simply has to wait, even if for centuries. Boy: [Muffled shouting] Countess Marburg: [Sighs] Mmm! Boy: [Gasping] [Gasping] ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Birds chirping] Cotton: [Grunts] What are you doing?! Unhand me! I am recalled to Boston, nothing more. [Breathing heavily] [Chains rattling] [gn cocks] I am not your enemy. I pose you no thrat. Do not do this. [gn cocks] [Gasps] Man: Say your peace, brother. Cotton: Dear lord, forgive me my trespasses. [Breathing heavily] Protect my Anne from the terrors that await her. And forgive them, Lord. They know not what they do. [gn] Man: [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Shouts, grunts] Cotton: [Breathing heavily] Man: You were right. They didn't know what they were doing. John: But I do. [Horse whinnies] Cotton: But how? How did you know where to find me? John: I told you this before. I'm not the man I was... for better and for worse. Cotton: Well, Hathorne appears to want me dad, and what is it you want from me? [Chains rattling] John: An exorcism. Cotton: An exorcism? John: There's a boy. Cotton: A boy? Who? John: Look, all you need to know is that without him, the entire witches' plan falls to nothing, but if we don't get the devil out of him... We're done... all of us. Cotton: And you have this boy? John: No. But I'm working on it. Cotton: You yourself told me that you klled a man just because he knew your name. So, why don't you just... kll the boy? An exorcism is a very dangerous rite to perform, and we might not make it out alive. John: Did you ever believe that saving someone... Was the only thing that mattered? That saving them was... the one and only hope you had? I need you, Cotton. Cotton: If it must be done. There is one thing I need to do first. Mary: You came. John: Not for you. Mary: I know. But at least it means you are here to save our son. John: Are you sure the boy is really yours, let alone mine? Mary: I'm sure. And when you look into his eyes, you will be, too. John: Well, Cotton's on board. So, what's the play? Mary: I've come from the docks. The countess has our son on board. But for all her power and knowledge, she does not know you even exist. To keep living century after century, she carries with her the first body she inhabited. Find it, destroy it, and the bitch can be run through with a dull blade. John: That, I can do. If I still had one. Mary: [Sighs] Whoever gave you these knew what they were doing. It will protect you. John: Yeah, if it doesn't kll me. Mary: The Marburgs are not like the other witches you've klled. You will need every advantage you can have. John: And you? Mary: I must wait until tonight... when they take our son to the woods to baptize him. The ship will be unguarded, but I won't have much time. They will be expecting me to join them, so... I must do something that I've never tried before. A trick I saw Marburg herself do. It will take every ounce of my strength to maintain. John: And if they see through your trick? Mary: They will slaughter him. But I wager that she holds her own life above all other things. It's where she and I differ. [Bell tolling in distance] There is one other thing I wish for, though I know I'll never get it. Your forgiveness. John: We've both done things... no one can forgive. Nor either of us forget. Mary: Once you've got our son, get him someplace safe. If I survive, I'll find you. [Footsteps receding] [Door opens] Mother: Come along, my dear. Daughter: Yes, Mother. Hathorne: Your enemies are not here. Only your friends and your neighbors. True, we feel abandoned. Lord knows where our good Doctor Wainwright has gone. The Reverend Lewis, too, is nowhere to be found. And it appears we have depended on the wrong people to lead us. The Sibleys have led us to the very precipice of apocalypse. In our time of... Countess Marburg: And where is our Mary? You were to keep an eye on her. Sebastian: I know it is your way to find me at fault in every matter, Mother. But perhaps you misjudged her. Or perhaps, her love for her son is simply stronger than yours. Countess Marburg: Far from being her strength, it is her fatal weakness. And I have loved you in ways no woman ever has. Let us not be divided. Not now that we are so close to the goal. Sebastian: Your goal, you mean. I've gn to wonder whether my turn will ever come. Hathorne: Was not the star in the east once a sign of true redemption for all humanity? And perhaps this glorious comet from our lord... Promises hope. Salem... The new Jerusalem. [Inhales deeply] Let us rise, and let us pray. Our Father, which art in heaven... All: Hallowed by thy name. Mary: Thy kingdom come, thou will be done on earth as it is in heaven. All: Give us this day... Countess Marburg: I thought you'd abandoned us and yourself. Mary: As you suggested... like the other Mary, I accept that my son must be sacrificed for a higher end. Countess Marburg: Excellent. You know, I saw her once. Mousy little thing. I don't know why their lord chose her. Mary: Nor why ours picked me. All:... Forever and forever. Amen. Hathorne: And as you go about your day... Peace be with you. Countess Marburg: Their lord may forgive, but I don't. Be on the road with us tonight, or I will delight in destroying what you hold most dear, and then I will find you and keep you alive long enough for you to see me take my first bite... out of your heart. Mary: My heart? You're welcome to it. But I think it might be a little bitter for your taste. Sebastian: Would you like me to describe your lover's final moment? He was like an excited schoolboy until his face sank beneath the hell-blood. Mary: I find jealousy makes a man ugly. Sebastian: Perhaps. But it is the natural tribute men pay to those they desire. Mary: Your tribute means as little to me as your desire. A woman can tell when a man is already dedicated to another. In your unusual case, your mother. Sebastian: Really? Well, you must know I did it for you. Mary: For me? klled my friend, my ally? Sebastian: He was a deadly distraction as you walk a very narrow path over a most dangerous precipice. Mary: Do not pretend that sending his living soul into the jaws of hell was an act of chivalry. You only care because your mother needs me. Sebastian: No! You will see. Trust me. Mary: Trust you? No, you have already broken promises to me. You as much as said you would help my boy if I let you take Wainwright. Sebastian: Do nothing foolish, and you will be reunited with your boy in good time. [Dog barking in distance] Hathorne: Miss Hale. If I might impose. Anne: You seem incapable of not. Can't it wait? Hathorne: I am afraid it cannot. It concerns Cotton Mather. Anne: I expected to see him in meeting. Where is he? Hathorne: Ah. That is a question beyond human answer. Anne: What are you saying, sir? Hathorne: There is no gentle way to say this. He has been klled. His coach was attcked by Indians. I felt it my duty to inform you and to comfort you. Anne: He was just here. [Sighs] I still see his face before me. Hathorne: But you do understand, these are troubling times and you, all alone. Life must go on. I... I accept that you chose Mather over me, and if he were still alive, I wouldn't dream of pursuing you. But seeing as he is not, I know you will do the wise thing. The very thing I'm sure he would want you to do. Cotton: And what exactly would I want her to do? Anne: [Gasps] Cotton! He said you were dad! Cotton: And who would know that but the person who paid for my execution? Hathorne: Absurd! You have no proof of such a wild accusation! Cotton: Two of your men now lay dad in the woods, and I'm sure when the facts are laid before the elders in Boston, my crime of returning to Salem will pale in comparison to yours in attempting my mrder. Would you like to stand beside me and compare stories? Hathorne: [Grunts] Cotton: [Sighs] Shh. Shh, shh, shh. I am alive. But it may not be for long. Tonight, I must fight the greatest battle I have ever known. And there is a chance I will not be on this earth tomorrow. Anne: Well, then you mustn't go. I will not allow it. I cannot lose you, Cotton. You are all I have. Cotton: Which is why we must wed. Now. So, please... My dear Anne... Take your vows with me today under the eyes of God. Hathorne: I'm honored to be here. Salem is mightily enriched by your presence, as I am by your guidance. Now, what was this urgent and confidential information I was told you had? Sebastian: I do believe some things are purely private matters. Mother has convinced me that in times like these, even the most personal of matters must be public. Anne: I, Anne Hale, take thee... Cotton Mather, to be my wedded husband... Till death us do part. Cotton: And I... Cotton Mather... Take thee... Anne Hale... To be my wedded wife... Till death... Do us part. I have written a last will and testament. It states the fact that you are my wife and sole heir. Anne: If you love me, don't go. Cotton: Because I love you, I must. Anne: Please, Cotton, tell me. Where are you going? Cotton: If I told you, it would endanger you, as well. Anne: Cotton! Please come back to me. Cotton: I will certainly try. Mrs. Mather. Anne: [Chuckles] [Cries] [Sighing] Mary: Strange... You seem different. I believe much has happened to you since we last met. Anne: I'm married. Mary: Congratulations. Your spell worked. Anne: Perhaps. But it is not, I think, stronger than death. Mary: Little is. Why so philosophical on your wedding day? Anne: I fear Cotton is engaging in something dangerous tonight. Mary: I'm quite certain he is. Anne: Then you know what it is? Mary: All too well, which is why my errand with you now. If you are to ever see your husband again, you must heed me. Anne: Do you ever speak anything but thrat? Mary: I promise you, my dear, it is not my thrat but the countess' you must fear. Tonight, I will engage her in a kind of battle. Of wills, if nothing else. And after I do, Cotton's battle will be just beginning. Anne: I don't understand. He told me nothing, and you speak in riddles. Mary: Then I shall speak plainly. The countess herself told me that she would kll Cotton before all other puritans. You do not know this witch as I do. You cannot... you must not trust her. Anne: But instead, I should trust you? Mary: I do not ask you to trust me. Trust no one. Only yourself. And your father's voice if you have heard it. And I believe you have. Your father's book of shadows was taken from my library. Did you think I would not know it was you who took it? Anne: I shouldn't have stolen it, but the countess told me that... Mary: You foolish girl! Anne: No, I didn't. I swear I kept it. But I knew you would be angry. Mary: No. No, I am proud. You were always stronger than I cared to see. And now that he has visited you, doubly so. Anne: How did you know? Mary: I sensed it the moment I saw you. He came last night? Anne: I have been telling myself it was not the devil but only a nightmare. Mary: He must appear to each of us. It is the prerequisite for all the power he grants. Anne: [Crying] Mary: I know. I know. His is a rough magic, indeed. But he proves that what does not kll us, makes us stronger. Anne: [Crying continues] Mary: Like it or not, you are in this wr. And you are now an even more powerful soldier in it. Anne: I will fight no wr for you. Nor for her. Mary: When the time comes, you may not have a choice if you want your Cotton to live. Boy: You're hurting me! Countess Marburg: Just walk. Man: [Speaking native language] [Shouting] [Screaming] [Indistinct shouting] Girl #1: [Whimpering] [Chains rattling] Help us! Please help! Girl #2: Please save us! Please, please help us! [All whimpering] Girl #3: Friend? Mary: Go. Go. Girl #4: Thank you! Mary: Go. Girl #5: [Breathing heavily] Man: [Muffled] Mary! [Breathing heavily] Mary: Oh, Isaac? Isaac: [Muffled shouting] [Keys rattling] Mary: Have you not suffered enough? The innocent soul always at the heart of hell let loose on earth. Isaac: [Muffled shouting] Mary: [Breathing heavily] How could the countess trture you so? Isaac: It was not her alone. Mercy is alive. The poor souls you freed? [Breathing heavily] It was Mercy who lured them. She serves the countess. They share the blood. Mary: Listen to me, Isaac, and this time, do as I tell you. Escape this place. Isaac: Once upon a time, I believed all you said. I was sure no matter what you did, deep down you were still the Mary I knew. I'm sorry if I am no longer so certain. Mary: Please, Isaac, I haven't time to prove my intentions to you. But I beg you, go and don't look back. Isaac: I will not leaving Dollie. She's somewhere on this vessel. [Breathing heavily] She must be. Because no one leaves here alive. [Bird calls in distance] Boy: Where are we going? Countess Marburg: It's time to meet your mother for your baptism. Boy: Will I have to be under the water as before? I don't like water. Countess Marburg: Then you have nothing to fear. For it's not water. Boy: Mother! Mother! Countess Marburg: Shh! So good of you to join us on this holy walk. As you can tell, your son is as overjoyed as I am to see you. Won't you lead the way? Boy: Mother! Mother! Mary: Body without life, eyes without sight, whisper to this flame, your place this night. [Gasps] [Heartbeat] [Gasps] [Heartbeat] [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Screams, grunting] [Breathing heavily] [Crickets chirping] [Bird calls in distance] Sebastian: Where did she go? Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: I see I underestimated you. I'm glad that you learned something from me, but it's all too little, too late, I'm afraid. Mary: It is over. I want my son. Countess Marburg: You would not dare harm my relict. You know what I would do to him and to you. Unh! [Gasps] Do not do anything hasty that you will spend eternity regretting, Mary. For he is already lost. I feel the presence of my love inside him. Mary: Nothing is lost if he yet lives. fre runs through my veins like blood, and I will burn it before you even have time to blink. Countess Marburg: You began this vital rite, Mary. You alone unleashed a plague to devour hundreds of your kin! Mary: Not kin. Puritan hypocrites who branded my friend, drove away my love, and forced me to give up the only joy I had left! Countess Marburg: We all make sacrifices, Mary, and in these courageous acts, legends are born. Mary: No. I wanted freedom. For all. I may have been willing to sacrifice too many to achieve it, but you just want a world of slaves. Countess Marburg: Do you not yet understand? Men long for the freedom of their chains. To them, slvery is freedom! Mary: You are no better than the ones I sought to destroy. Countess Marburg: You've not lived nearly long enough to judge me or the forces that drive me. Mary: Come, now. Do not pretend that you are after anything other than your own infinite desires. Countess Marburg: Were you there to hear the screams of thousands of children sliced apart by crusaders? Have you smelled the human flesh searing to the red-hot irons of the inquisition? I consecrate this land on behalf of the millions I watched suffer! And their temples destroyed, their people slaughtered! You began this rite to end all of this. How can you turn your back on us now? Mary: I wanted it... passionately. But I hadn't tasted passion until I became a mother. Sebastian: Tread carefully. Boy: [Gasps] Countess Marburg: Now give me what's mine. Mary: Slice as deeply as you must, for it will not be quick enough to stop my hand from igniting your mother's rotting carcass. I am fully prepared to die tonight, and I will drag you with me. Countess Marburg: Step away from her, Sebastian. Mary: Now release my boy. Countess Marburg: You place my relict on the ground carefully. [Horse whinnies] Sebastian: Unh! Countess Marburg: [Screaming] [Horse snorts] Boy: [Grunts] Mary: Go, John! Ride on! Save him! Boy: Who are you? John: I'm John. Your father. [Gasps] Isaac: [Moans] [Breathing heavily] Dollie: Isaac? Isaac: Yes, my love. Yes, it's your Isaac. And I've come to take you away from this place. Shh, shh, shh. We shall still... We shall still see the sun. [Crying] [Sniffling] No, Dollie. [Cries] No, Dollie! You're alive! You're still alive! Dollie! I'm gonna take us to our freedom now, Dollie! You're alive! [Crying] Mary: How long do you intend to sit there and leer at me? Sebastian: Days on end if I were so lucky. But we only have two until the comet passes over. Mary: And when the comet passes without my son, how long do you think your mother will suffer me to live? Sebastian: We have two days to try again, and then she promised me you will be mine. Mary: Well, I'm not hers to give. Besides, what man... what real man... allows his mother to choose his mate? Sebastian: She didn't choose you. I did. Mary: Really? And do you think she spares one thought for your happiness? Sebastian: I see what you're trying to do. Cleave me from my mother. Mary: "Cleave." Such an odd word. You know, it can mean quite opposite things. A man may cleave a log in two or a man may cleave to his wife forever. It's up to you which one it will mean. But you must know you cannot have us both. Sebastian: I myself believe in having cake and eating it. Your man shall fail you as all of them have. My mother always gets what she wants, as shall I. Mary: Hmm, and do you really think you're enough man to have me? Sebastian: You and my mother may not think so, but I will prove you both wrong when the time comes. But first... [door opens] Man: Mrs. Sibley, come with us. Sebastian: It seems you have guests. Mary: What is the meaning of this?! Man: Come on. Mary: Release me! [Breathing heavily] Unhand me! Hathorne: Mary Sibley, you are under arrest. Mary: On what grounds?! I demand you let me... Hathorne: On the crimes of adultery and fornication. Mary: What attestation could you possibly have for such an absurd claim? Hathorne: The accounts of a most trusted pair of eyes. The noble baron Sebastian Marburg. Who will testify that he saw you entertaining Dr. Wainwright in your marital bed. Mary: Get off me! Get off of me! [Grunting] Let me go! Countess Marburg: I knew that man in the forest. I tasted him on Mary's lips. Sebastian: Alden. John Alden. Countess Marburg: I will find a way to get to him, but first, I would know everything about him. Where has he been and with whom? [Knock on door] Hathorne: Mary Sibley is locked away and bound. Countess Marburg: You follow instructions extremely well, Mr. Hathorne. Hathorne: I am your humble servant. Countess Marburg: Humility is such an overrated virtue. And there is no dishonor in being a servant if one serves the right master. Hathorne: Or... Mistress. Countess Marburg: Would you like that, to truly serve a mistress such as I? Hathorne: I can think of no greater pleasure. Countess Marburg: The quality one most seeks in a servant is loyalty. One cannot serve two masters, nor two mistresses. Hathorne: Uh, madame, I... I have been your servant alone since I first saw you outside the jail. Countess Marburg: And the worst kind of servant is one who lies. Hathorne: Oh, madame, I... I swear I... countess Marburg: Oh, do not swear. I shall have to take your tongue. I know that you tried to eliminate your rival, Mather, and that you tried to take little Anne Hale this very day. Hathorne: Oh [Chuckles] a momentary lapse in judgment. Had I known that I would have the opportunity of serving you this very evening, um... [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Oh, don't explain. Show me. Hathorne: [Sighs] [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Better. Hathorne: I ask only to be allowed... To worship at your feet. Countess Marburg: Oh, that's a very good place to start. Hathorne: [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Depending on how well you worship, we will see how far you may ascend. [Crickets chirping] [Door opens] John: Did you come by way of London? Cotton: It is slow journey in the dark. Hardly thought it prudent to attract unwanted attention with a lantern. Why, it's the boy Mary Sibley took in. I see nothing wrong with him, no... No overt signs of possession. John: All I know is what I've been told by someone who has nothing to gain and everything to lose by lying. Cotton: The boy seems fine. John: [Sighs] Cotton: Exorcism is not something to toy with. What if I hurt him? What if he's innocent? John: He is, but what's in him is far from it. Save the boy before we lose him completely. Cotton: Are you sure you want to take this risk? If there is something inside of him, we are much more likely to agitate and enrage it than destroy it. Some things are better left unawakened. Boy: [Distorted voice ] It's too late for that. [Bell tolling] Cotton: My God... [Bones cracking] Boy: Before the dawn comes, we shall play cat's cradle with your entrails.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x10 - Til Death Do Us Part"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Isaac: I will not leaving Dollie on this vessel. Tituba: John Alden is alive. Mary: The comet will soon blaze overhead for only three nights. The gate will open, and our dark lord at last incarnates. Countess Marburg: Your son was born precisely that he should be the vessel for the dark lord's return. Mary: We do have a son. Countess Marburg has him, and they mean to kll him. But I know her weakness. Countess Marburg: So good of you to join us. Mary: It is over. I want my son. [ Horse whinnies ] Sebastian: Unh! Countess Marburg: [ Screaming ] Mary: Go, John! Save him! Boy: Who are you? John: Your father. Hathorne: Mary Sibley, you are under arrest on the crimes of adultery and fornication. Countess Marburg: You follow instructions extremely well, Mr. Hathorne. Hathorne: I am your humble servant. Cotton: Some things are better left unawakened. Boy: [ Distorted voice ] It's too late for that. We shall play cat's cradle with your entrails. Hathorne: Pride goeth before a fall! How far indeed this Jezebel has fallen! From first wife of Salem to painted whore! [ Crowd shouting indistinctly ] Woman: Burn her! Woman 2: Burn her! Hathorne: Now, now! Did she kll George Sibley? Man: Yes! Hathorne: No! But as his life force dimmed, she forced our founder to watch as she entertained her lovers in his own marital bed! And when our last founder finally mercifully passed to Heaven, one can only imagine how she and that corpse-botherer, Dr. Wainwright, disposed of the body. Leaving so many questions. Where is Dr. Wainwright? [ Crowd jeering ] Fled in shame? And how many other men did this siren lure into Mr. Sibley's bed? Man: Too many! Hathorne: As magistrate, I hereby strip you of all your ill-gotten gains. [ Crowd cheering ] Indeed, of the very name Sibley itself. What, then, shall we call you? Mary Walcott? No, I would not demean your father's name and memory. No, with no man's name, you will just be plain Mary, like the plain, worthless woman you are. [ Crowd jeering ] [ "Cupid carries a gn" plays ] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [ Birds chirping ] [ Snake hisses ] Sooleawa: [ Gasps ] [ Screaming ] [ Gasping ] Shaman: Sooleawa! [ Grunts ] [ Bones crack ] Sebastian: That's what I love most about the new world, Mother... Such excellent hunting. Shaman: [ Gags ] [ Snake hisses ] John: You said an exorcism is risky. How risky? Cotton: Very. But, in theory, this circle I inscribed will contain the demon. Break the perimeter, however, and we risk death and eternal damnation. The boy, as well. John: Are we sure about this? Cotton: No. But what choice do we have? This may be our last and only hope to stop the witches. John: And save the boy. Cotton: Well, it is hoped. John: Well, it better be more than hope. Boy: Where am I? John: Take it easy, boy. Boy: These ropes... so tight. You said you'd protect me, but you're hurting me. Father, please! Cotton: "Father"? John: [ Sighs ] Boy: Father. Cotton: No more secrets, John. I must know everything about the boy. John: We were in love... Mary and I. I didn't know I left her with child. She bore the child in secret. You know how the town fathers would have dealt with her and with the baby. Cotton: Left to die in the woods. How did the boy come to be possessed? John: Mary says it was witches who had our child all these years and brought him back now precisely to be the center of their rites. I'm told the devil is already inside him. Boy: Father? Cotton: Go to him. But mark my words... Do not cross the circle. I must think. [ Door opens, closes ] Boy: It hurts, father. John: I know. Think of something else, and you'll feel it less. Shall I tell you a story? Boy: Yes, please. Tell me about when you were a boy. Did you have any friends? John: Well, let's see. Uh... There was a boy. Isaac. [ Chuckles lightly ] He was a kind and simple soul... Still is. But do you know who was my dearest friend, the one I loved most already even when I was your age? Boy: Who? John: Why, the girl who turned out to be your mother. Boy: I miss her. John: Me, too. [ Bells tolling ] Countess Marburg: It didn't have to be this way. It should have been your day of triumph, not degradation. If you had not interfered last night, today would be the dawn of the new age. Mary: I'm sorry, Countess, but, unlike you, I could never find the death of my own son a triumph. And I would endure any amount of degradation to hold back that particular dawn. Countess Marburg: Don't be a silly girl. You have no such power. Mary: [ Chuckles ] Countess Marburg: It will dawn, just a day late. I am now on my way to find your son and your handsome Captain Alden. Mary: And if you should find my son and there is no trace of the dark lord left in him, what then? Countess Marburg: Well, that's just not possible. For your Captain Alden is a very fine soldier, and judging by the taste of his Indian mistress, an even finer lover. And he may run with him to the ends of the earth, but the seed is already in the boy. You know that as well as I do. Do I? T'would not be the first time a demon was driven from its home. Countess Marburg: An exorcism? Well, let us hope they do not try, for it will certainly kll the boy. Hathorne: Our home in Heaven, in glory, in the mansions of light, the lord has prepared for those who believe, who have lived by his word. Amen. All: Amen. Hathorne: What is there to say about our founder, George Sibley? [ Door bangs ] Isaac: How about that George Sibley was a son of a bitch? [ People jeer ] Hathorne: What did this dad man ever do to deserve... Isaac: Do?! What did George Sibley do? Besides sear the flesh of my face for the unforgivable crime of love? Well, for one thing, he sent John Alden off to die just so he could steal his girl. Hathorne: This from Isaac the Fornicator. Isaac: Hypocrite! Hypocrite. You're all fornicators. [ All murmuring ] Screwing each other every day of the week, including the Sabbath! I swear... if Jesus Christ walked the streets of Salem, he wouldn't find a man worth saving. Hathorne: This is vile blasphemy, and you will hang for it. Isaac: Go on, then! Hang me! [ People shouting indistinctly ] Hang me! Done died on those stocks years ago. [ Sighs ] You all, so busy looking for where the evil came from. You brought it with you. [ People jeer ] Still, you look all 'round for who could have done it. Must be the Indians, or the French... Or the witches... Or even my Dollie. [ Voice breaking ] Blame it on my Dollie. She had angel eyes. Couldn't see my scars... Just my soul... And loved it. Angel eyes. Risked her life to save mine. Angel eyes. And I'll remember them until my dying day. I promise you. But who will remember the lot of you when you're ashes? They say God sees every sparrow that falls. But he don't see you. [ People murmur ] Not no more! [ People jeering ] He forgot all about you. Salem is the dust he shook from his feet when he turned around and walked away, and he ain't never coming back! [ Grunts ] John: We're gonna get you out of this place as soon as we can. Boy: Where will we go then? John: Where do you want to go? Boy: The most amazing place you've ever been. John: Think of a vast wall of water the size of a mountain and a roar like nothing you can imagine. The Iroquois call it Niagara. The motion so endless it... It seems to stand still. When I saw it, I-I thought... If there is a God, this... This is what he looks like. Boy: [ Grunts ] John: Are you all right? Boy: No. [ Sighs ] These ropes, they burn. Please, father. I promise I'll be good. Just... loosen these ropes. They're hurting me. Cotton: Help me to discern the truth of this boy. Surely, if there be demons in this world, you must exist. For what kind of a world would have demons... But no angels? [ Sighs ] John: Come over here. [ Wind whistling ] Cotton: Don't do it, John. John: There's nothing wrong with this boy except some sickness and the pain we are causing him. He's just a boy! Cotton: One moment, he is just your son in all his innocence. But if he is under their influence, his soul is besieged by an other. It is that other we must expose and expel. Child, I'd like to recite the lord's prayer with me. Boy: I don't know any prayers. Cotton: Then simply repeat the words after me. Our father, which art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Boy: Our father, which art in... Oh! Father. Cotton: "Which art in heaven..." Boy: Father, don't make me. Cotton: No demon may speak the "our father." The very words scorch their tongue. John: It's all right, son. They're just words. Try and say them for me. Boy: [ Gasping ] Cotton: "Our"... Boy: Our... our fa... Cotton: Say the words. Continue, boy. Boy: Don't make me! Oh! Father! He's hurting me! John: All right, stop it! You're hurting him! Cotton: Why can't he say them? Go on, boy! Say the words! "Our father, which art in heaven, hallowed... Boy: No! No! John: Stop it! Cotton: Say the words, child, if a child you be! John: All right! Boy: Stop! Make him stop! Cotton: Our father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name! Boy: Aah! Cotton: [ Screaming ] Boy: Me-ne me-ne te-kel up-har-sin! Me-ne me-ne te-kel up-har-sin! [ Echoing ] Me-ne me-ne te-kel up-har-sin! [ Roaring ] Shay-tani, shay-tani lama sabak-tani! [ Screams, roaring ] Cotton: Aah! Both: [ Gasping ] Countess Marburg: What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? I must find the boy. Sebastian: Is it a terrible disappointment, Mother? Countess Marburg: What? Sebastian: That I still live. That you never got to consecrate me as you will her son, never got to hold my young body beneath the hell-blood to see your ancient lover's form emerge from my dad face. Countess Marburg: I do not deny it. But all's well that ends well. So leave me so I may be sure it will end well. Sebastian: Will it end well for me? It is hard, Mother, to be born to rule and yet know I will never be king. Countess Marburg: We all play our part in the great drama. True, despite my fondest hopes, you were not born to be a king. But console yourself, Son. You will be a knight of the dark realm and satisfy yourself in every way. Sebastian: All I want is Mary. Countess Marburg: Do not fixate. It shows a damnable lack of imagination. I told you... You may have anything or anyone whenever you wish. Sebastian: And what if I want only one thing? Countess Marburg: Trust me, Sebastian. There is not only one of anything. Not only one sun in the Sky, but an infinity of suns in the Sky. Not only one Earth, but an infinity of Earths wandering lost in the night. There is certainly not only one god, but many beings of power, if you but know their names. And there is never, not ever, only one man or woman for us. And if, after all your wisdom, all I want is Mary? What then? Countess Marburg: Then you should grow up. Get out. I have work to do. I must find the boy. Get out. Get out. Get out! Cotton: Our battle is not with your son but what is within him. Now relight these candles while I prepare to rouse the beast inside. John: [ Sighs ] Boy: [ Whimpers ] [ Gasping ] Cotton: "O almighty and everlasting god, be merciful to we who implore thee. Send thy Holy Angel from Heaven to bless and hallow these ashes so that we, who know ourselves to be but ashes, may fear no evil. Protect us, o lord." Countess Marburg: [ Thinking ] John. [ Echoing ] John. John! John Alden. I've so wanted to meet you. John: This is some kind of witchcraft bullshit illusion. Countess Marburg: Where I come from, we kiss our new friends. John: I ain't your friend. Countess Marburg: I'll tell you a secret. This is an illusion, but so is all that you call life, everything you've been fighting for. Just let it all go for one joyous instant, and you might taste real life. John: My boy. Countess Marburg: Your boy? She told you it was yours, and you believed her? Oh, she lied to you, as she has many, many times before. [ Horse whinnies ] [ Hisses ] John: What the hell? Cotton: Are you all right? John: Did I leave this hut? Cotton: What? No, you just seemed very quiet and still for a moment. What happened? John: The witch was inside my mind. Or I was in hers. I-I don't... I don't know. Cotton: They are hunting him through you. [ Insects buzzing ] Mary: Isaac. Isaac: Don't talk to me, Mary. I don't want to hear a word you've got to say. Mary: Isaac, old friend, speak to me. Do not judge me. You do not know what I have faced. Isaac: No, Mary, I do not. But I believe that God gave us all something so precious and rare, he didn't give it to his angels... Choice, free choice. Whatever you faced, there was never a time when you didn't have a choice. Hathorne: Even the village idiot knows a harlot when he sees one. In time, some poor man may be willing to ignore your transgressions and marry you. Decades of toil await you. Toil and, if you're lucky, the birthing of brats, one of which will likely kll you during labor. Hm. In the meantime, that most generous of gentlewomen, the Countess Marburg, has put up a bond of surety for your release. Use your freedom of movement wisely, Mary. Or it'll be the gallows next time. Mary: [ Breathing heavily ] Anne: But don't... don't you want this consecration? To have your dark lord out and about in the world? Mary: I only want my son. Anne: Your son? Mary: The boy you met at my house is not my nephew but my son. Mine... and John Alden's. Your friend, the countess, has taken him from me. He is to be the sacrifice of the consecration. I-it is his poor, little body that she intends to open up and house the dark lord. [ Sobs ] I've lost everything, but I would rather die by my own hand than be a servant of that bitch, helping with the destruction of my own child! Anne: Mary, as you have often said to me, remember who you are, what you are. You are filled with magic. There must be something you can do. Mary: No. No, I no longer have Faith in my magic. It has brought me and everyone around me nothing but misery and death. Anne: [ Sighs ] Do not give in to despair. That is what you would tell me. We are not puritans... Not anymore. We do not believe in this idiotic predestination. We make our own destiny. Mary: You're right. It's not over till we're dad and the birds are eating our eyes, eh? Thank you. Just remember this... You are an Essex witch. The Marburgs mean no kindness to the Essex. And Cotton will need your help. Anne: Cotton... where is he? How can I help him? Mary: He and John Alden are with my son somewhere in the woods keeping him from Marburg's clutches. Only you can decide when and how to help him. [ Door opens, closes ] Cotton: Have you ever done things or... or thought things that didn't feel like it was you doing them? Boy: It's hard to describe. Sometimes, it seems like I'm very, very small and hidden in a very dark place. Cotton: What happens then? Boy: I don't know, but I'm not alone in there. I'm afraid. Cotton: Afraid of what? Boy: Of the one who is there with me. In me. Cotton: Now, um, I want you to listen, for this is difficult. Close your eyes. Picture that dark place. Do not be afraid. Your father and I are here. We will not desert you whatever happens. Now, I am talking to the thing inside of little John. I know you are there. And I know that you can hear me. Now here this. There is no god but God. And God, this almighty, everlasting God... Boy: [ Gagging ] Cotton: So loved the world, he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. Boy: [ Gags, hisses ] Cotton: And Jesus rebuked the foul spirits, saying unto him, thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him! [ Insects buzzing ] And the spirit cried and foamed and gnashed his teeth and rent him sore... Boy: [ Retches ] Cotton: And came out! [ Buzzing stops ] These are the words of the lord. Boy: [ Growling, groaning ] [ Cackles, hisses ] [ Distorted ] Cotton Mather. Did you know you're in Hell even now? My children tear the wings from your soul as from a fly. Cotton: I command thee, in the name of the eternal God and Jesus Christ, our savior, to speak your name and declare from whence thou cometh! Boy: I tell you what I once told him... I am legion. And I come from Hell to the place prepared for me... Salem. And I owe it all to you and Mary rutting in the graveyard. Ah, my Mary, she was the finest of my witches. She did all I asked... Slaughter my enemies... Or got the fools to slaughter each other for me. Cotton: [ Gasping ] Father. Boy: But now the bitch thinks she can betray me? Stop my triumphant entrance into this miserable dunghill of creation? Cotton: What is your purpose here? Boy: This little puppet of shit and bones shall be my royal carriage so I may grow to manhood and rule this land. Cotton: He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. Boy: [ Growls ] Cotton: But he that believeth not shall be damned. Boy: [ Growls ] Cotton: And these signs shall follow them that believe. In my name shall they cast out devils. Oh, foul fiend. Boy: [ Growls ] Cotton: I abjure thee in the name of Jesus Christ, son of almighty God, depart from this boy! Boy: [ Growling, hissing ] Cotton: [ Coughing, gagging ] Boy: Better you should come and join us in here, and soon this whole land will be my father's mansion! John: No. Boy: [ Growls ] John: I'm your father. Can't you hear me? You need to fight back. This is your body! Your life, not his! Boy: Come, Father. Come to me. I can offer you anything. Do you want to love Mary Sibley... Or kll her? Or perhaps you'd like to kll her, then love her. I can make the dad dance in the most delightful ways. John: Enough! [ Thunder crashes ] Boy: [ Roars ] Cotton: [ Gags ] [ Coughing ] Boy: Oh, Father, how many men have you klled? What makes you think I'm here because my mother was a witch and not because you, Father, are a soulless kller? Cotton: [ Gasping ] Whosoever believeth in him shall not perish. John: Get... [ Thunder crashing ] Boy: [ Roaring ] John: Out... Of my son! Boy: [ Screeches ] [ Crashing, roaring stop ] Cotton: [ Gasps, wheezes ] [ Coughing ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Sebastian: You cannot escape destiny so easily. Mary: Let me go. Without me, the consecration comes to a stop. My boy will live on. Sebastian: A boy is nothing without his mother. You would flee the stage before the final curtain fall? That is a sin. Possibly the only sin. It is not given to us to write our own roles. Mary: A wise man told me recently that we were given something even the angels were denied... Choice. If my role requires that I destroy my son, then I choose not to. You were to be the offering the last time the comet appeared. Sebastian: Yes. Mary: Do you ever wonder what your mother felt sacrificing her son? Sebastian: I have no need to wonder. Mary: I'll tell you what I feel for my son... Simply love... Complete and unconditional. But I suppose you would have no idea what that feels like, would you? Sebastian: Enough! Come, Mary. I will take you home. Cotton: I heard what it said about Mary. Is it true... That she is... or was... A witch? At her behest, I mrder my own father. Well, at least now I know why I'm already in Hell. John: What kind of god... Gives me a son... Only to have me kll him? Cotton: The same god who commanded Abraham to put the Knfe to Isaac, who let his own son die a most gruesome death. Boy: [ Gasps ] [ Groaning ] [ Normal voice ] Did I do what you wanted? John: [ Chuckles lightly ] Cotton: Yes. Do you remember anything? Boy: Not really. Except it was like a nest of wasps inside me, all stinging me. John: Are the wasps gone? Boy: Most of them. I can still feel one way down. [ Chuckles ] But I think it is he now who is hiding... not me. Cotton: [ Chuckles ] John: [ Sighs ] Boy: Are you really, truly my father? John Alden? John: Don't ever doubt it. Boy: Then run and hide, Father. She is coming for me. [ Men shouting indistinctly ] John: Goodbye, Son. Get him as far away as you can. [ Shouting continues ] Cotton: Good luck, Captain. Cotton: I swear I will not let the devil defeat me, and I shall meet you again, Father, and not in Hell, but at the right hand of God. Countess Marburg: You should have taken my offer and become one of my consorts. At least you would have known a few hours of pleasure. Now you will know only death. [ Sniffing ] He is not far. Sebastian: Captain John Alden, lover of witches, reluctant father of the devil himself. So, it's a brave last stand you're wanting. The odds seem so unsporting, but I am nothing if not fair. Come. My men will do nothing. Come. I'm the one you want. John: [ Grunting ] [ Wind whistles ] Sebastian: I said I was fair, but if there is one thing you should have learned from our beloved Mary, it's never trust a witch. Cotton: Oh, no. Anne: Cotton? Cotton: No, no, no. Anne: Cotton. Cotton: Anne? Anne. Sebastian: Your battle is over and lost, your son soon in my mother's hands, and your woman soon in mine. I will think of you when I feel her shudders of pleasure when I kiss her throat. And just as I enter her, I will remember your eyes at the moment this entered you. John: [ Grunts, groans ] [ Coughs ] [ Breathing heavily ] Cotton: The boy is Captain Alden's son. Anne: What? Cotton: There is no time. The boy must be saved. Anne: Saved from what? Cotton: The witches. They were after him. They know John and I have him. Anne: Well, then, come with me. I know a hiding place where none can find us. Cotton: No. No. John Alden... I-I can't leave him to fight alone. He saved my life. I must at least attempt to save his. Anne: Then give the boy to me. I will take and hide him. Cotton: Yes. Little John. Little John, wake up now. This is my wife, Anne. Go with her now. She will take care of you. How good you are... And brave. Anne: It's going to be fine. Boy: There's something inside of me. Anne: That's all right. There is something inside all of us. [ Wolf howls ]	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x11 - On Earth as in Hell"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Hathorne: From first wife of Salem to painted whore! I hereby strip you of all your ill-gotten gains. Isaac: Hypocrite! You're all fornicators. Screwing each other every day of the week. Hathorne: This is vile blasphemy, and you will hang for it. The Countess Marburg has put up a bond of surety. Mary: You were to be the offering the last time the comet appeared. If my role requires that I destroy my son, then I choose not to. Cotton: Our battle is not with your son but what is within him. John: No. I'm your father. Can't you hear me? Petrus: A witch dagger to kll, and a medicine bag to be unseen. Boy: Then run and hide, father. She is coming for me. Anne: Give the boy to me. I will take and hide him. Boy: There's something inside of me. Countess Marburg: He is not far. Sebastian: I will remember your eyes at the moment this entered you. John: [Grunts, groans] Sebastian: A fair woman bled dry is the most aesthetically pleasing sight of all. But I... I get no pleasure from watching a man bleed out. A coup de grâce for Captain Alden. John: [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Groans] ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Cotton: No. John? John: [Grunting, coughs] My son? Cotton: Have no fear. He is safe. Let's worry about you now. John: [Groans] [Birds chirping] Countess Marburg: Oh, well done, little owl. You have him. [Indistinct conversations] Anne: It's clear. Come. We must hurry. Boy: That's my house. Anne: I know. I know. We must get you inside. Boy: I thought you were taking me to my mother. Anne: I will... when the time is right. Mary: Ha. [Sniffles] Mercy: They say crocodiles weep while they devour their prey. But not even crocodiles eat their own young. Mary: Mercy. I wondered when you'd come. Believe it or not, I am glad you survived. Mercy: Don't play the good mother with me. Good mothers don't burn their children. I finally met a true mother. She healed the wounds you and so many others dealt me. Mary: And asked for nothing in return? Mercy: No more than a loyal daughter would give. Mary: The stories the workhouse orphans are telling are true, aren't they? It is you who've been luring the children away. For her. Mercy: Not just for her. I thought you were the protector of the weak and the dispossessed. Mercy: Well, I learned from you. Care of the self comes first. And I needed them. I was brned. Every inch of my body was blackened and blistered by you. Mary: Maybe so. Oh, it seems all my sins have returned to me... As you have. But, Mercy, do not let your hatred for me blind you. Marburg detests all of the Essex witches. She will betray you in the end. Mercy: Oh, you're just jealous. Mary: [Sighs] Child, what could you possibly possess that would ever make me jealous? Mercy: The heart of a prince. I intend to marry Sebastian Marburg. The first time I saw him, I knew he was meant for me. And the Marburgs are royalty. I'll be a princess, even a real queen someday. Mary: Be careful what you wish for. I can tell you how happy queens are. Mercy: False queens. That's all you ever were. How does it feel... To lose everything you've ever had? Mary: [Chuckles] [Inhales deeply] You'll find out soon enough. Anne: You'll be safe here. No one can find you here. Boy: Is this your room? Anne: Once upon a time, it was, when I was very small. But I don't remember, really. Boy: So many toys. I wouldn't forget them if they were mine. Anne: I'm sure you had as many when you were that small. Boy: They didn't let me have toys. Anne: "They"? Boy: The Widdershins. Anne: Widdershins? Boy: The old ones in the tree where we hid. Anne: But surely, your mother gave... Boy: My mother wasn't allowed there. [Sniffles] Anne: Oh. Boy: And now she's gone again. Anne: I'm sure we'll see her soon. Boy: Why not now? Anne: Well... Do you like animals? I have a friend. His name is... Mr. Jenkins. Boy: [Whimpers] I want my mother. Anne: Please. Stop. Boy: I want my mother. I want my mother. I want my mother! Anne: Stop it! Boy: No. Anne: [Breathing shallowly] [Whimpers] Sebastian: Mm. Sh... aah! Get out! Mercy: Wasn't that a nice way to wake up? Sebastian: Yes, if I liked waking up to a dog nuzzling my bollocks. Mercy: Well, then, tell me what would please you. I'll do anything you want. Sebastian: How about you leave me well and far alone? You're no use to us anymore. Mercy: That isn't true. Sebastian: No, it isn't true. You were never any use to us. Mercy: You're being cruel. I thought you wanted me. Sebastian: Wanted you? No one has ever wanted you. Not your own father, nor the Essex hive, and certainly not I. Mary Sibley is the one I desire, and I shall have no other. Mercy: But... Aah! [Whimpering] [Bones cracking] You're hurting me. [Gasps] [Whimpering continues] Sebastian: No. Now I'm hurting you. Mercy: I'll tell your mother. Sebastian: No need. I'll tell her. She used to like watching me play. Mercy: The countess told me I was like a daughter to her. Sebastian: The queen of queens has a real daughter and no need for a pale, feral imitation of one fished out from Salem's gutters. Mercy: [Whimpering] Sebastian: Now, if... if my mother wants you, she'll fetch you. So stay where you belong... on the ship with the rest of the servants. Cotton: This may hurt. John: [Grunts] All the other guys looked worse. Cotton: That is the best I can manage. I'm afraid I'm no doctor. John: Just as well. Never knew a sawbones didn't double as an undertaker. Ohh. Cotton: Slowly. Easy, now. Any violent movement, you'll split apart like a badly sewn doll. But it won't be sawdust you'll be leaking, my friend. [Water splashing] John: Where did you take the boy? Cotton: He's with Anne. John: Anne Hale? Cotton: Yes. The most wonderful thing... she found us in the woods. She's such a brave girl. She's... John: A witch. Cotton: What? John: Anne Hale is a witch. Cotton: [Chuckles] That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No, that... that's impossible. And she isn't Anne Hale anymore. She's Anne Mather. She's my wife. John: Then you married a witch. Cotton: Why are you saying this utter nonsense?! You don't know this girl as I know her, as I love her. John: And I saw Anne practicing witchcraft with my own eyes. Cotton: Forgive me if I'm reluctant to condemn my wife based on the evidence of a man who has been walking around delirious since he returned to Salem. I must speak to my wife. See with my own eyes. John: No. Don't. Salem's controlled by witches, including the woman that you married. If they find out that you know, they'll kll you. Cotton: She is my wife. I made a vow before God to love her, to protect her, and forsake all others. I don't have any choice. I have to go back. I must at least give her a chance to respond to this... Ridiculous accusation. John: You're a good man, Harvard. Always have been. Better than you know. Could you do me a favor? Be careful. Cotton: You, too, John. John: Cotton... I'll see you on the other side. Countess Marburg: You have the boy. I smelled it in the woods. I sense him here. Anne: I can't let you take him. Countess Marburg: I have no intention of taking him from you. Anne: Then why are you here? Countess Marburg: The comet has nearly passed. We have little time. Tonight, you'll deliver him to me for the consecration. Anne: Never. Cotton: entrusted the child with me. Cotton: is my husband now, and I will not betray him. Countess Marburg: With every breath we take, we betray someone's trust. That is life. It's one grand betrayal after another. It's a most delectable game for those who know how to play. Anne: I never learned any games. Something I found in common with my young guest. Countess Marburg: That's not the only thing you have in common with the little boy. You are both destined for greatness, bound for glory. And neither of you belong with those feral Essex witches. I told you when first we met you are no mere Essex witch, any more than your father was. Anne: My father... Countess Marburg: Was a particular favorite of mine. I sent him away in a dark moment across the sea to find a safe place. You see, I charged him with the greatest of tasks... the greatest of privileges... to father and protect what's most precious to me in all the world... my daughter. Anne: I already klled one mother. Who's to say I won't kll another one? Countess Marburg: You knew? Anne: My father hinted as much in his book of shadows. But it changes nothing. You, of all mothers... have no claim on my affection. Countess Marburg: 'Tis not your affections I claim, but the boy. Anne: The boy is not mine to dispose of. Countess Marburg: Correct. He is mine. Anne: I would think he belongs to his true mother... Mary Sibley. Countess Marburg: You would trust her? I would show you what kind of a mother, what kind of a woman you would give him to. Come. Behold, the symbol of Mary Sibley's kindness... the reward for serving her faithfully. Anne: Tituba? Countess Marburg: And you would prefer Mary Sibley to your own mother? Tituba: How did I not see? You are as much serpent as she. Countess Marburg: And what of it? The first and best of women, our mother Eve, followed the serpent. And ever since, small-minded men have tormented us. Did you never ask yourself what kind of a God plants a tree bearing the fruit of true knowledge, only to forbid his creation to partake? When I look around this dismal chamber, I see three powerful women who all serve the same cause, whether they know it or not. Tituba, you want to live, don't you? Then let us taste what you are made of. Mystery... And misery... And lies. You poor, deluded thing. Mary Sibley has no sympathy for your suffering. Tituba: She has had her own heartbreak to bear. Countess Marburg: An unfaithful lover, an unwanted child. Why, these are trivialities compared to being orphaned, enslaved, sent across the ocean, and passed from hand to sweaty hand. Now, all these years, it's you who has done all the real work. And Mary Sibley has reaped the rewards. Anne: But why has Mary done this to you? What are you being punished for? Tituba: She blames me for all her misery. Countess Marburg: But are you telling the truth? Lies drip from your lips like honey. I can taste the lies that you told Mary, the Essex, John Alden. You may very well survive all of this, if you can be as loyal to me as you have been to him. Tituba: What can a slve like me possibly do for the mighty Marburgs? Countess Marburg: Well, let us speak of the secret Essex stronghold. Hathorne: There was no place for a man like Isaac in George Sibley's Salem, no place for a teller of uncomfortable truths. Isaac: If I was telling the truth, why am I in the stocks? Hathorne: That is the price of telling the truth. If it were free, every Tom, Dick, or Harry would be a truth-teller. To tell your truth, you violated the sabbath, you disrespected your elders and betters. You had to be punished. But I am not George Sibley. And I recognize a young man with potential. And I know how to reward it. You were right to decry the corruption of George Sibley's rule. This is a new day for Salem. Henceforth, you will no longer be known as Isaac the fornicator, but as Isaac the truth-teller. [Crowd murmuring] Woman: Can this be so? Man: They're a good size. Use them well. Hathorne: Aye. Isaac: What's this for? Hathorne: A fresh start. I know in your eyes, I am indistinguishable from all the other hypocrites who have ruled Salem, but I am... different. And I truly do want a different Salem. Tell me, what do you want? Isaac: I want justice. Justice for Dollie. Hathorne: Excellent. The world can always use more justice. [Indistinct conversations] Woman: You must be hungry. Take this. Isaac: Thank you. [Sniffs] Ahh. Countess Marburg: Mary Sibley is finished, and rightfully so. But you... you are the blessed star of lamentation, more precious to me than anything. Anne: If I was so precious to you... why didn't you keep me? Countess Marburg: The times were perilous then. We were hunted from city to city, brned at the stake in droves. Anne: So, you hid me from everything, including from myself. Countess Marburg: The more precious something is, the better hidden it must be. And, yes, sometimes, even from itself. Your father and I shared one goal... to keep you safe until the time came. Anne: The time? Countess Marburg: Of your inheritance. You still do not grasp all that awaits you as my true heir. Anne: How can I be your heir if you have a son? It is men who inherit everything. Countess Marburg: Men? Men, even sorcerous ones, are not fit for true leadership. True leadership is the power to deal both life and death, whereas men can only ever wield half that power... the easy part. Now, among the wise, real authority descends through women, and it is you who will inherit my mantle and all that comes with it. You despise the chaos that Mary Sibley has wrought. You long for justice, fairness, a better world. As my heir, you can remake the world in any image you choose, as long as you accept your role and your power. Anne: Mary Sibley would say she attempted just that... to wield her magic for justice. Countess Marburg: She is not one of us. She is a mere upstart pretender... the front woman for a gaggle of twig-worshipping barbarians. You are descended from true kings and queens. Anne: I've never longed for power, only love. Countess Marburg: You actually love him. The queen of true witches in love with a Mather? Very well. You may keep your pet Mather. He will prove a fine puritan beard, perhaps even useful. But understand this... there are mere hours before the comet is gone and our time passed. I really must have the boy. Anne: Or else what? You would kll, trture me, your precious daughter? Countess Marburg: Of course not. But I will kll Cotton Mather... So slowly and painfully that he will curse the day he was born. And it will all be your fault. He will die knowing that his blood is on your hands. So, you see, it's simple. His life... for the boy's. [Horse whinnying] Cotton: Anne? Boy: Let me out! Cotton: Who's there? Boy: Please! Let me out! Mary: I will not stand by and let it all just happen. I will do anything to stop it, even violate my Essex oath. Hear me, old ones. I swear I will not let you ignore me. I will cross the forbidden threshold. I am coming to see you. Fail me... And we are all doomed. Boy: I want to go home! Cotton: Little John? Boy: Please! I want my mother! Cotton: Where are you? Boy: I don't know. [Door creaks] Boy: I want my mother. Anne: I'm here to take you to her. Come now. She will be there. I promise. Boy: I'm scared. Anne: I know. So am I. Cotton: [Grunting] Mary: The Essex tree is deep and wide, but unseen as any breath. I'll pay the price to come inside, though it may mean my very death. Hear me. I am still the samhain of the Essex, and I've made my vow clear. kll me if you can, but I will come inside. I am no longer Mary Sibley. I'm just Mary. But I am still the samhain of the Essex until one of you foul wretches takes my head. Oh, go on, if any of you dare. And yet, for a brief moment, I have. Too risky? This is our only hope. No! No, if you would... if you would only emerge and rally behind me, then we could defeat Marburg or... or... or die honorably trying. Do not believe Tituba's promises. Whatever she says, the countess will not spare you. You would abandon me after all I have done, all I have sacrificed while we are at wr? John. Don't go to sleep, John. John: I'm so tired. Mary: If you sleep, you'll never wake up. You must stay in this world a little longer. John: But to what end? All is lost, Mary. You... Me... him. Mary: Where is he? John, where is our son? John: It's, uh... Witch. Cotton gave him to a witch. Mary: Who? John, who did Cotton give our son to? John: Anne Hale. Mary: Anne Hale. Then all is not lost. I will try to get to her before they can stop me. But, John, listen to me. I may fail. And if all fails, they will take our son to the crags. There you will have one moment... before he is lost forever. John: I can't kll them all. Not with a single sht. And that German bitch... yes, if I could ht her. Mary: No, she cannot be klled. She... Countess Marburg: Welcome back from your little sojourn. It is time. Mary: Is it? I think you've failed. If you had my son, you would be parading him before me as we speak. Countess Marburg: I do not need to hold him in my hand to have him in my grasp. He will be there waiting at the appointed place and time. Now, you must learn your part. Repeat after me. "By my love, you were made. Now in love to return. By my love, offered up. In love's fre, ever burn." Mary: You would have me speak words of love while you destroy him? Countess Marburg: A sacrifice without love is mere slaughter. Now, learn the words. Mary: I will not doom my son. Sebastian: Say the words, please. I do not want to hurt you, but I will if I must. Mary: Go ahead. You can drag me there, but you cannot make me speak. I know what is required. I must say the words willingly, in my own voice. That, I will never do. Countess Marburg: Do what you will. Say the words, and he ascends to glory, or doom him with your silence. Mary: The comet passes directly overhead. In moments, it will be too late. And you still do not have my son. Countess Marburg: No. But she does. Mary: No! How could you? Countess Marburg: You made the wise decision, dearest daughter. Come. Boy: [Whimpering] Sebastian: Bless the Knfe that splits one into two. Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: Bless the cup that makes many into one. All: Now midnight come. Let the reign of darkness begin. Countess Marburg: By the eye of the serpent, which blazes overhead, the eye which flies in the sky but once a turning, see we are worthy, see we are ready, and have prepared the pure vessel for you. Boy: Mother! [Whimpering] Mother! Mother, please! Help me! Countess Marburg: This is the place of desolation, the dreaming sanctuary of the deathless flame. And from this open gate of hell comes the walking horizon of the other God-given flesh. Now say the words and see your son fulfill the destiny for which he was born. Boy: [Sniffles] Mary: No. Boy: Mother! Mother! Mary: John. You were not born for this. You were born to be loved. And I do love you. I am so sorry, my love. I have failed you over and over again, but I will not fail you now. Whatever happens, do not be afraid. We will meet again. I love you beyond all measure, beyond any other love, beyond life itself. Countess Marburg: That will do. All the ritual requires is an avowal of complete and total love at the moment of sacrifice. Mary: [Gasps] No. Countess Marburg: Well done. Boy: No! No! Mary: No! Boy: Mother! Help me! Mary: No! No! Boy: [Whimpers] Countess Marburg: Open the womb of darkness, not in fear... Mary: [Cries] Countess Marburg: ... But in love. Mary: No! [Liquid bubbling] [Sobbing] Countess Marburg: Open the gate of creation, the path between world and time. Let the fre of Lucifer and Hecate's love burn the flesh... of this child of serpent and man. Let the flesh receive the new word. Boy: [Gurgling] [Growling] [Roars] [Growling] Boy: Father! Join us. Join us, father, or die! Countess Marburg: Your cowardly lie nearly cost me everything! Mary: [Whimpering] Boy: [Grumbling] Countess Marburg: Oh. My lord. My lord. Ohh.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x12 - Midnight Never Come"}	foreverdreaming
Previously on "Salem"... Mary: I've come from the docks. The countess has our son on board. Boy: Why must I be baptized? Countess Marburg: So that you can be born again. More powerful than before, with me at your side. Cotton: And what is it you want from me? John: There's a boy. If we don't get the devil out of him, we're done. Mary: Go, John! Save him! Countess Marburg: I really must have the boy. Anne: Or else what? Countess Marburg: I will kll Cotton Mather. John: Where'd you take the boy? Cotton: He's with Anne. John: Anne Hale is a witch. Cotton: Why are you saying this utter nonsense?! See with my own eyes. Countess Marburg: You made the wise decision, dearest daughter. Sebastian: Your battle is over. John: [Grunts, groans] Mary: No! Countess Marburg: Ah, birth. Such terrible hard work. We're all born howling and then must rest. But what dark dreams of our new world flicker behind those perfect lids? Shall I give you a glimpse? For 2,000 years, they have tried and failed to build the kingdom of God here on earth. Now it is our turn. Under our dark lord's dominion, Salem will prosper and grow, becoming a mighty nation. And it all begins here, with this little boy. Mary: I had a dream, too, once. A dream of a new birth of freedom. But my sleep produced only a monster. Countess Marburg: A monster is but a God seen through fearful eyes. Wisdom comes with acceptance, my dear. Mary: I do accept. Oh, I accept that I have played my role in this tragedy all too well. Now I'm done. Countess Marburg: Hardly. Very little has been asked of you thus far. You should be honored to serve your son. Mary: I saw my son die in the crags... Watched as you drowned him. That... that cannot be my son. Countess Marburg: Your son was but an empty jar of Clay, worthless until filled. One day you will thank me for forcing your hand. Sebastian: When he wakes, Mary, you will feel differently. Mary: The world is a much darker place now that your light has grown as dim as the rest of ours. Countess Marburg: Oh, pay her no mind. In your place, she'd have done the same thing. Sebastian: Have patience. A mother's love will win out over her resistance. ["Cupid Carries a gn" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ I'm dreaming. I can't. My son. Mary. Shaman: John. [Horse neighs] [Door closes] [Clatter] Anne: You are alive. Cotton: Where is he? What have you done with the boy? Anne: Are you sure you want to know? A kind woman once told me that the problem with knowing things is you can never unknow them. Cotton: Yes. I must know everything. Anne: I traded his life for yours. Cotton: [Breathes sharply] [Screams] Now I see why I already burn in hell. Anne: You're not in hell, Cotton. You're here with me in Salem. Cotton: Is this not hell's new capital?! [Sighs] Anne: [Sobs] Cotton: So... You are a witch. Anne: I am. Cotton: And I suppose Mary Sibley made you one. Anne: Hardly... Though she offered a few signposts along the way. Anne: It was my father. And my mother... the Countess Marburg. Cotton: The countess? Your mother? Anne: Yes. But, Cotton... I'm still your Anne, the woman who loves you. Cotton: Oh. No. Witches are the very embodiment of evil. Anne: Cotton... Cotton: I thought you were the very embodiment of good. Anne: So why can't I use my power for good? To make the world a better, fairer place? Cotton: Because such powers come from the devil himself. No. Anne: Just give me a chance, husband... To show you what I can do. I've only ever used my power to protect myself... And you. I saved us that night in the woods when the militia stopped our carriage. They would have rped me and klled you, klled both of us, but I stopped them. Surely that was not an evil act. Cotton: A man died that night. I thought it divine judgment. Anne: It was not God's judgment... but mine. Cotton: Then it was mrder. Anne: It was him or us. Cotton, where are you going? Cotton: To the magistrate. Anne: What? Cotton: I must tell him about the countess and the others... and that you klled that man. Anne: Cotton... I can't let you do that. Cotton: Goodbye, Anne. [Breathing shakily] [Door closes] [Door opens] Sebastian: He's awake now. [Door closes] Mary: What is it to me? Sebastian: That is up to you. What did you call it? Your love for your son? Unconditional? Then come. Prove it. Countess Marburg: Lie back, and I'll tell you a story. Now, once, in ancient Harraby, there was a little prince. The oldest wife was his favorite because she was the most beautiful and the most clever. Boy: [Gasps] M... m... mother! Mother. Mother, I've missed you. When I finally met my father, he was all the things you said he was. If only it could be the three of us... a family. Mary: That was... All I ever wanted. Boy: I need you... your songs... Your stories... Your kisses. I've never forgotten the sight of you lying on the damp forest ground... mouth agape in pain, legs strained wide in birth, and your eyes as black as the endless night where I dwelled. And I knew, at last, you were the one. Mary: I remember that night, too. Thank you for reminding me that you are not my son. You are his tomb. Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: My love, forget about her. Well, she has done her duty. You have no further need of her. She has nothing to offer you. Boy: A true God wants true love. Now, who will give me that? Countess Marburg: I will. I do. My whole long life, I have loved no one else. Boy: That is very good of you, madam. But it is her love I must have. John: No, I can't do that. I said I would die in Salem. Countess Marburg: Where have you been? Your place is here. Until he has acknowledged you, you must await his blessing. Boy: Come to me, girl. Mercy: Me? Countess Marburg: Yes, of course you. On your knees. Lower your eyes. Boy: You brought me to the countess. And that is good. But you took me away from my true mother, and how can that go unpunished? Behold the hands. Without a word, they may thrat, plead, beckon, command... Or simply point. You used this finger well... pointed to all who would die for me. You even bit the tip off yourself, and the countess made it whole again. Mercy: [Screams] [Sobbing] Countess Marburg: Shh. Mercy: [Crying] Boy: This time, take care not to heal it entirely, lest the lesson be forgotten. Mercy: [Crying] Countess Marburg: Out. Boy: You. I know everything about you... every lie you ever told... Every subtle way you've turned one against another. Look at me. My good mother would never bear to see you live. Tituba: Oh, please, my lord. Boy: And with that kiss, I give you back your freedom. Use it to go as far from Salem as you're able. Now. Tituba: Thank you, my lord. Mercy: [Crying] You promised me. Countess Marburg: Promised you what, child? Mercy: To be my mother, to make me one of you, that I might marry Sebastian and become a princess. Countess Marburg: Your wishful mind promised you all those things. I promised you to return the beauty with which you were born and to make Mary Sibley feel your pain and beyond. Mercy: It's not enough. But what was Anne Hale doing in there? That spoiled, stupid Anne Hale. Countess Marburg: Anne Hale is my true and precious daughter. She is a real Marburg. Mercy: Since when? What has she ever done for you?! I... I have fetched those children for your bath. Countess Marburg: As a good servant must. Mercy: I am nobody's slve. Countess Marburg: Oh, that was an awful mistake. Mercy: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. It was a mistake. Countess Marburg: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Mercy: I'm so sorry. Countess Marburg: It's too late. Too late. See, trust is a very fragile thing. Trust is so easily broken and so impossible to rebuild. It's as fragile as flesh and bone. [Sizzling] Mercy: No. No. No, no, no, no. Please! I'm so sorry! I really am! No, please! Countess Marburg: Now get out! And if you are so powerful, heal yourself! If I see your ungrateful face again, I will peel it like an apple. And what shall we do first? How shall we conquer and rule? Boy: I truly love all you do for me. Countess Marburg: [Chuckles] Boy: But... you know, I really must have my mother beside me. Today my mother, but tomorrow my queen. She, and she alone, must one day be my bride. Countess Marburg: Hm. But... Boy: There can be only one royal marriage... One true consummation. You know it, and you must make it be. You understand? Countess Marburg: Yes. [Sighs] Boy: Then go. Countess Marburg: [Gasps] Boy: See to her. [Wind gusting] [Birds cawing] [Wings flapping] [Bird caws] [Wind gusting] [Cawing continues] [Birds cawing] [Wings flapping] Tituba: [Screams] [Screaming] [Cawing continues] [Footsteps approaching] Countess Marburg: Why are you praying to God? He is blind and deaf... A senile watchmaker who long ago forgot about the creatures of mud he formed with his bored breath. Mary: A prayer doesn't have to be heard to be answered. Sometimes all that matters is the asking. Countess Marburg: No. The living miracle of your son is the only answer to any prayer. Now come. He wants you. Mary: No. A mother knows her son. Countess Marburg: And he will know you. You do not understand. You have never understood. The holy marriage of heaven and earth is wasted on an ignorant and ungrateful peasant girl! Mary: You want him. I do not. Be my guest. He's all yours. Countess Marburg: If only. But no. You were his father's whore, and now you will be his. Come along. Mary: He doesn't want you? All your lives longing for one who only wants me. [Laughs] How that must hurt. Countess Marburg: Shut up. Mary: I will. I'll shut us both up... in our meeting house... Every part of it built of the tallest, oldest trees that once stood right here. Even here, you are in the woods. My woods. Increase Mather was right. My fate is to burn for my sins, and I'm ready to start right now... For the pleasure of smelling you burning beside me. Countess Marburg: Stop it this instant, or I'll... Mary: What? You have nothing left to thrat me with. My son is gone, my love dad, my own life worthless to me. You're all out of thrat. Go on, mighty water witch. Bring the rain. You can't, can you? You haven't the heart, haven't the tears. I wager that you've never cried once in all your lives. But you'll wish you had tears now, if only to quench the burn. Countess Marburg: No matter what happens to this body, you know I will survive to live again. Mary: But how long will that resurrection take? And what of all your plans? Do you remember how it felt the last time you brned? [Grunts] Sebastian: Well, little sister... welcome to the family. Anne: How long have you known about me? Sebastian: Always. Mother never ceased to tell me about her special one. [Indistinct shouting in distance] [Shouting continues] Man: Please, please get back. Sebastian: I believe the grown-ups are fighting. Anne: Aren't you gonna do something? Sebastian: I rather think that's up to you. Countess Marburg: Bitch! Mary: I will kll you. I will kll you. [Breathing heavily] [Grunts] Countess Marburg: Die! [Water hissing] Mary: No! Let me die! [Voice breaking] Let me die. Anne: I cannot, for the same reason you could not let me. There is no easy way out, Mary... for any of us. [Indistinct conversations] Girl: ♪ hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ ♪ if that mockingbird doesn't sing ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ [Sighs] [Singsongy voice] Don't cry. Mama's here. Mercy: Maybe your little angel's cold. Wrap her in this warm blanket. It will soothe your baby's cries. Come. It's all right. Come. Come. Girl: [Screams] [Muffled screaming] Mercy: Quiet, you. Girl: No! Mercy: Quiet! Quit your struggle, wretch. You have nothing to live for. I need your blood more than you do. I deserve it. Isaac: No! You will not take her blood. Get behind me, child. You leave this monster to me. Mercy: You have no right to stop me. I'm only taking what I've been promised, what I deserve. Isaac: You deserve? What does she deserve? What did my Dollie deserve? Mercy: Shall I tell you about Dollie? About how she wept and pleaded when I drained her? About how she looked as her heart blood rained down on my scorched flesh? Isaac: You klled her? Mercy: She was my Dollie doll, to do with as I pleased. Dollie: [Echoing] My dear Isaac. Isaac. Isaac: [Panting] Dollie: Isaac. Isaac: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it. That ain't Dollie. There will be no more of your foul magic here! Mercy: Who says so? Isaac: I do. This is my watch now. Mercy: Your watch, is it? Well, good luck to Salem, then... protected by sir Isaac the idiot. I still have friends in this town. I told them one night I'd call for them. Give me back the girl. Yes, run! There's plenty of other wretches for me. I won't be forgotten. I'm still here. A true queen. [Voice breaking] And I will rule. I will rule, if only in their nightmares. I will... I will rule. Sebastian: You have tried everything else. Why not try surrendering? Mary: [Scoffs] Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you? For me to just give in. Sebastian: No. Trust me, I learned long ago to surrender while yet holding firm inside. Keep going. Sometimes, you just keep going. Now collect yourself. I will take you to him. All is well. Given time, she will accept the way things are now. Countess Marburg: I'm very nearly impressed. But I have another thought now. I can see my mistake clearly. He should never even have seen her. We should have been rid of her before he awoke. All will be right when she is gone. Sebastian: Gone? Countess Marburg: Gone. And let this be an end to it. Sebastian: [Breathing shakily] Mother... Countess Marburg: Mary Sibley is finished. She must not be allowed to see another sunrise. And you must take care of it for me. Take her out to the woods and kll her. Sebastian: You go too far. If the boy finds out we klled his mother, he will destroy us. Countess Marburg: He will not know. Just do your part! Sebastian: As you wish. Countess Marburg: And bring me her blood. I should have bathed in it long ago, but we will rectify that mistake. And once she is gone... He will see that I'm the one. [Footsteps approaching] Cotton: It's almost painful. Despite everything I know about you... I can't help loving you. And so, I've decided. [Breathes deeply] We will find a way. [Chuckles] You must come away with me. Anne: I don't think I can. Cotton: Are you afraid of them? Afraid that they might mrder me? I don't care. At least then you would be free. She would have nothing to hold over you. Anne: What if I don't want to? Cotton: Don't want to? Anne: You have no idea what it is like, Cotton, to be filled with ideas, with dreams, with visions of how things should be, and yet be utterly powerless to do anything about them. That is what it is to be a woman. Cotton: I don't understand. Anne: Of course you don't. You are a man. But I am no mere woman. I am a witch, and I can make a difference. Cotton: But, uh, didn't you hear what I said? I... I love you. Anne: If only you had loved me when I really needed you to, I might not have had to pledge myself. I might not have had to quicken your love with my first spell. Cotton: A spell? That is what you did to me. You have robbed us both with your witchery... Forfeited the one and only human freedom, to love... To have truly chosen to love! And for nothing... Because I did love you. I have loved you since almost the first we met. I just needed a little time. Anne: I didn't have time! [Sobs] You don't understand. You will someday. I had no choice... not then... And not now. [Rat squeaking] Cotton: What are you doing? Anne: I have to protect you. Cotton: [Grunts] [Whimpering] [Rat squeaking] [Gasping] Anne: Don't fight it, Cotton. Cotton: [Gagging] Anne: It will only hurt more. [Grunts] Cotton: [Muffled shouting] [Gagging] Anne: [Breathing shakily] Mary: So, this is the fate you urged me to surrender to? Thank you. I am ready to die. I really don't mind. Sebastian: But I do. [Blood trickling] Sebastian: That should do. Now Mother will taste your blood, bathe in it, and think it is done. But you still have just enough left if you are careful. Now, for as strong as you are, you will soon replenish it. You are free, my love. I chose to release you here for a reason. Just there. See that blood? It is not yours, but Captain John Alden's. He fled this way. You can see by the track of blood. Now follow it, and you will find him... most likely dad, but I know it is him you want. Mary: Why are you doing this? Sebastian: I, too, am capable of unconditional love. So go... without conditions. Someday, when you have buried your past and I have buried mine, we may yet meet again. [Hoofbeats departing] Mary: [Breathing heavily] John. John, it's me, your Mary. Let blood to love flow and quicken love's light. My love's life let grow as my soul takes flight. [Breathes heavily] [Gasps] John: [Sucking] Boy: Have you found my mother? Countess Marburg: I hardly know the words to tell you. I wanted to be sure first. Boy: What is it? Countess Marburg: She's gone. Boy: Gone? Countess Marburg: [Breathes sharply, sniffles] She was not strong enough. [Sniffles] Perhaps your sheer radiance, your power... The awesome privilege and responsibility of being your consort was too much for the poor thing. She threw herself from a high place, and the river carried her away. Oh. Pour your sorrow on my bosom. I am here for you... Always. [Gasps] Boy: How dare you try to k*ll my bride. Countess Marburg: [Gasps, moans weakly] No, lord. Not I. I... I love you! [Whimpers] [Screaming] [Whimpers] [Weakly] Sebastian. [Gasps] Sebastian. Help me. Help... [Gasps] [Breathes deeply] Sebastian: Someday, perhaps... But not today. Countess Marburg: [Wheezing] Sebastian: Good night, Mother. [Creaking] Woman: ♪ little baby, don't say a word ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ ♪ if that mockingbird won't sing ♪ ♪ mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪ ♪ and if that diamond ring turns... ♪ John: [Gasps] [Coughs] Mary? Oh. Mary? No. [Sniffles, sobs] Mary. [Crying] I love you. Please don't go. I love you.	{"type": "series", "show": "Salem", "episode": "02x13 - The Witching Hour"}	foreverdreaming
WASHINGTON D.C. BAR Quinn: Harrison Wright? Harrison: Quinn Perkins. Quinn: I can't stay. Harrison: What are you drinking? Quinn: I can't stay. I'm sorry. I only came because Lori wouldn't give me your number so I could cancel and I didn't want you to be waiting here because getting stood up in this particular bar is like falling face down on a runway. And even though I don't know you, Lori's got this annoying habit of meddling, so it seemed only decent ... Harrison: What are you drinking? Quinn: I can't stay is what I'm saying. I don't do blind dates. Harrison: My parents met on a blind date. They've been inseparable ever since. Quinn: I'm happy for your parents and for you, because it means you exist, but I don't do blind dates. Harrison: This isn't a blind date. Quinn: What? Harrison: It's a job interview. What are you drinking? Quinn: Dirty martini. What do you mean this is a job interview? Harrison: This is a job interview. Quinn: You're a baby lawyer. You're 12 years old. Harrison: I am 28 years old. Quinn: Why aren't we sitting in an office in a law firm? Harrison: Because that's not how we do job interviews. Quinn: I didn't apply for a job with you. Harrison: You did. Quinn: I didn't. Harrison: You did. Quinn: I didn't. Okay, you know what? This has been whatever, but I don't do blind dates, so ... Harrison: Ask me who I work for. Quinn: What? Harrison: You really want to ask me who I work for. Quinn: Fine. Who do you work for? Harrison: Olivia Pope. Quinn: Olivia Pope? The Olivia Pope? Wait. Shut up. Is this some kind of ploy to make me stay on this date? Harrison: Quinn, this is not a blind date. On blind dates, I like to buy a woman dinner 'cause it makes her more likely to either sleep with me or give me a second date. When I buy you dinner, you'll know I'm interested. You did apply for a job with me. The way I know you applied for a job with me is that I have your resume on my iPad, the way I know you would kll puppies to get this job is the way you stopped breathing when I said the name "Olivia Pope," which is a tell, your tell, which you should look at, 'cause I'm gonna offer you a crap salary, and you'll have to take it, 'cause you never really learned how to breathe in and out without stopping, but don't feel bad, 'cause we all get paid crap salaries because we're the good guys. I'm a good guy, which means I generally don't lie, but I just did to you. This is not a job interview. Quinn: Wait. I don't, um, I'm confused. Harrison: Olivia already told me to hire you. The job is yours, if you want it. The best job you'll ever have. You'll change lives, slay dragons, love the hunt more than you ever dreamed because Olivia Pope is as amazing as they say. And, uh I'm not a baby lawyer. I'm a gladiator in a suit, 'cause that's what you are when you work for Olivia. You're a gladiator in a suit. Do you want to be a gladiator in a suit? Quinn: Mm-hmm. Harrison: You gotta say it. Quinn: I want to be a gladiator in a suit. ABANDONED BUILDING Stephen: We're gonna get klled. Olivia: Did you propose? Weren't you gonna ask her tonight? Stephen: I was doing this tonight. Liv, we're gonna get klled. We're $3 million short. Olivia: So you flaked. Why are we short? Stephen: The Ambassador couldn't come up with the rest, which is a problem, a very big problem, why we shouldn't even be going up there in the first place. And I did not flake. I'm working for you. Olivia: Don't worry. They'll take what we give them. Did you at least buy the engagement ring? Stephen: Ukrainian mobsters do not take what you give them. They just sht you. So we have bigger things to worry about than me not proposing to my girlfriend. We are in a situation here. Focus. Do what you do. Olivia: Good evening, gentlemen. Oskar: You got the money? Olivia: Of course, all $3 million. Oskar: We said 6. Olivia: Did we? Oskar: We did. Olivia: I have 3. Oskar: That's a problem. Olivia: Well, it's all the Ambassador had on such short notice, so you're just gonna have to take it. Oskar: Leave the $3 million. When you come back with the rest? We have a deal. Olivia: That's not gonna happen, Oskar. Oskar: No? Olivia: Nyet. What's going to happen is you and Vlad are gonna take the $3 million and leave right now for Dulles to make your flight to the motherland. The reason you're gonna want to go right now beside the fact that it's just good travel sense to give yourself enough time for international check-in, is in exactly 4 hours and 15 minutes, both of your names are gonna suddenly "pop up" on homeland security's no-fly list. Lucky for you, you're booked on a flight that leaves in two and a half hours, so if it were me, I'd much rather spend $3 million in Kiev than here in Georgetown. Way more bang for your buck. In fact, it may even feel like $6 once you're there. Olivia: Good boys. So since we have a deal, I am gonna take what we paid for. Pleasure doing business with you. I thank you, my client thanks you, and I hope to never see you again. Stephen: God, I love this job. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Do I look okay? Harrison: Too much cleavage. Olivia'll talk about you. Just take it in. This is Huck. He's our tech guy. Used to be CIA, right, Huck? Huck: I don't talk about that. New girl? Harrison: New girl. Quinn: Are you sure she's here? It's late. Harrison: She's here. She's always here. That's Stephen. That's Abby. He's a litigator. She's an investigator. And that's ... Quinn: Olivia Pope. Harrison: Come on. Olivia: I'm not doing it. Abby: Well, I'm not doing it either. Stephen: Do not look at me. Harrison: How'd it go? Olivia: We gave them $3 million. They gave us the package. Stephen: $3 million down. The woman doesn't flinch. Olivia: We're just waiting for pickup. Too much cleavage. Quinn: I'm ... I'm sorry. I didn't know that I was coming here. Can I just say that I am a huge fan? I so admire your work in the White House. It is an honor to work for your law firm. Olivia: We're not a law firm. We're lawyers, but this is not a law firm. Stephen: Law firms are for pansies. Olivia: We solve problems. Abby: Manage crises, save reputations. Quinn: Right. Of course. It's still an honor. Olivia: Harrison feed you a line about being a gladiator in a suit? Harrison: Liv. Quinn: He did, and I am ready to gladiate or whatever. Olivia: You know how to gladiate a diaper change? Woman: Bazyli! (Speaks in Ukrainian) Ambassador: Thank you. Thank you. When the Russians kidnapped him, I thought ... but you returned my son back to me. Thank you. Anything I can do for you. Anything. Stephen: If you ever have a second child, Olivia's a beautiful name. Olivia: Mr. Ambassador, you can take your son back to the consulate and keep him safe. And you can never tell anyone about this. The FBI is sick of me. Ambassador: Of course. Thank you. Olivia: Thank you. Harrison: Hoo-hoo! Olivia: Good work, everyone. Quinn: What ...? Huck: We've got incoming. Stephen: It's after hours. Take a message. We're going home. Huck: Not on the phone. Here. And you want to talk to him. Sully: You have to help me. Somebody has to help me. Please. My girlfriend. She's dad. The police think I klled her. Harrison: Welcome to Olivia Pope and Associates. Abby: Lieutenant Colonel Sullivan "Sully" St. James age 32, did two tours in Iraq, was injured saving the lives of his entire unit, a wr hero. Stephen: And not just any wr hero the first living marine awarded the medal of honor for action in any wr since Vietnam. Abby: A famous wr hero, working class, patriotic, comes from a long line of soldiers. Here he is with the president. Also sexiest man alive 2010. Olivia: Poster boy for the military. Abby: And for the conservative right. That's how he makes his living. He gives expensive speeches, makes a fortune. He's anti-choice, pro-gn, hates the gays, and likes it when kids pray in school. Stephen: Abby. Abby: I'm just saying he sickens me politically. I'm not saying we shouldn't help him. Harrison: Who's the dad girlfriend? Abby: Paige Montgomery 27, rich girl, good family. Huck: It's on the police scanners as "Girl was found dad in her apartment, three shts to the head." Stephen: Three? That's not an accident. Huck: Sully called 9-1-1, but took off before the police arrived. Quinn: Wait. What are we ... can I ask? What do we do? I mean, if we aren't defense lawyers, we're not the state's attorney, it looks like he did it, so what do we do? What can we do? Olivia: First we interview Sully. Sully: I was gonna propose. We were gonna get married. Paige was everything to me. She was my best friend. Olivia: We listen to him. We watch him. Stephen: Did you kll her? Sully: No. I would never. I loved her. Harrison: Where'd the blood come from? Olivia: In this moment, we are the judge and we are the jury, the media and the public opinion. Sully: I went to her apartment, and I found her like that. I held her, but there was, uh, just so much blood, and I-I called the police and I-I-I panicked. I'm on TV, you know, so I didn't know what to do. I thought that they would think that I did it. I panicked. I'm sorry. Olivia: This is the moment where we decide who he is. Stephen: Where were you during the mrder? Sully: I walk at night around the neighborhood. I-I was walking, and I stepped into Matty's Pub and I had a beer. And then I kept walking and went to go see Paige. Abby: Do you own a gn? Sully: Not since I left the military. I just don't believe she's actually gone. Stephen: I vote no. The guy's a fugitive covered in blood. Not once did he question who klled Paige or ask us to find her kller. We all know that's a red flag. He did it. Harrison: No, I don't think he did. He's a soldier, government-issue trained klling machine. He'd have to be an idiot to get her blood all over himself, call 9-1-1, and then run. But I still vote no. It's a media hand grenade. Abby: I don't want to take it because it's too messy, too much work. And I hate republicans. Olivia: My vote always comes down to my gut. My gut tells me everything I need to know. Olivia: We're taking the case. Stephen: Why do we even bother voting? Olivia: You're pretty and smart. So pretty, so smart. Olivia: Next I set the rules. Olivia: We're gonna give you a clean shirt and put you in Stephen's office. You are to stay there. No phone calls: not to work, not to friends, not to press, no one. This is on us now. Your job is to stay in that office and let us do our job. Olivia: Then I warn them. I always warn them. Olivia: I have one rule do not lie. You lie, all bets are off. Got it? Now is there anything else you want to tell me? Sully: I didn't kll her. She was my best friend. I loved her. DAVID ROSEN’S FRONT DOOR David: Why am I not surprised that you're on this? Olivia: You have to give me 48 hours before you arrest or charge Sully St. James. David: I was sleeping. Olivia: The US attorney's office never sleeps. You told me that once. David: I was being ironic. Olivia: 48 hours before you arrest or charge. David: Olivia, you don't have the muscle of the White House behind you anymore. You're just a private citizen, who is, by the way, annoying. Olivia: He's a decorated wr hero. He's a patriot. You realize the blowback you'll get for rushing to judgment on a patriot? David: The blowback you'll create? Olivia: Well, yeah. That's my job. David: Do you actually have the naive belief that waking me in the middle of the night and thrat me is the correct path to getting your way? Olivia: I wasn't thrat you. He didn't kll her. My gut says he didn't. David: Your spidey senses aren't evidence. I've been on the phone with homicide. He klled her and ran. Olivia: I can have a reporter out here in 20 minutes, with cameras, asking why you are persecuting an innocent, handicapped medal of honor winner. Perhaps because he's a well-known conservative Republican and you are considering a bid on the Democratic ticket next year. Just to be clear that was me thrat you. David: You have until morning. Olivia: 36 hours David: 24 hours Olivia: SOLD! Pleasure to see you again. CRIME SCENE Abby: Hey, Wally. Body still here or did the morgue take it already? Wally: Go home. I'm not telling you a thing. Abby: You don't have to. I'll just take a quick peek at the crime scene. Wally: Not on my watch. Abby: How's your wife, Wally? She's what, six months pregnant? Does she know about the stripper? Wally: You're a real bitch, you know that? Abby: I do know that, Wally. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: So you guys don't try cases? You don't go to court? Harrison: We do our jobs right, we never need to go to court. Now look, the reason we're not a law firm is we don't have to play within the rules of the law. We're fixers, crisis managers. We make the problems of our client, big or small, go away. It's not about solving a crime. It's not about justice. It's about our client. CITY MORGUE Lisa: No. Stephen: Lisa. Lisa: No! Stephen: Lisa. Lisa: You didn't call me. Stephen: I'm an ass. Lisa: Who slept with me and didn't call me. Stephen: I'm getting married. Lisa: You? You're getting married? You? Stephen: Her name is Georgia. She teaches third grade, which is why, as much as I would like to, I can't do it with you in the freezer anymore. Lisa: What do you want? Stephen: I need you to fast-track an autopsy, slip me the report. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: We've been here all night. Hey, don't you people ever sleep? Don't any of you have husbands, wives, kids? Lives? Harrison: No. Gladiators. In suits. Olivia: We need more. Stephen: The guy's alibi is water, bloody clothes, and he's a runner. He klled her. Abby: Definitely klled her. Olivia: There. gn was found on the scene. Abby: I'll work the cops, find out if there are any fingerprints on the gn. Olivia: And there. Look at them. Look how he's looking at her. He loves her. Stephen: A guy in love only kills if he has motive. If he has a motive, we need to find it before the police do. Olivia: I have to step out. I'll be back. We need more! Quinn: So what happens now? Harrison: She wants more, we get more. LAFAYETTE PARK Olivia: What? Cyrus: Hi. Hello. How are you? Olivia: Hi. Hello. How are you? What? Cyrus: You working the Sully St. James thing? Olivia: I'm trying to stamp out the flames. If you guys could refrain from commenting ... Cyrus: What's your gut say? Olivia: He didn't do it. Cyrus: Your gut's never wrong. We'll stay quiet. But keep me in the loop. Olivia: You didn't ask me here to talk about Sully St. James. Cyrus: He needs a favor. Olivia: I don't work for him anymore. Cyrus: He trusts you. Olivia: I don't work for him anymore. Cyrus: And yet you came when I called. Olivia: What? Cyrus: There's a girl, an aide, going around saying she's sleeping with him. Olivia: Is she? Cyrus: Liv. Olivia: Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky. John Edwards, Rielle Hunter. Is she? Cyrus: No. You know him. He's not that guy. I need you to shut her down. Olivia: I need to see him. Cyrus: Liv, that's not possible. Olivia: You want me to shut her down? Then I need to look him in the eye and know he's not lying. Cyrus: He's not ... Look, the man's schedule is insane. He has no time to see you. Olivia: He wants the favor. He wants my services. I do not work for him anymore, so you tell the President of the United States to make time. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: You're going? Olivia: I'm going. Stephen: To Camp David? Olivia: I won't be gone long. Stephen: You're going to Camp David to meet with the President, why? Olivia: Meeting at the White House is too official. Press is there. Abby: He wants you to take your old job back, doesn't he? He's wooing you. Olivia: He's not wooing me. We're friends. Stephen: You and I are friends. He's the leader of the free world. Your life makes me feel unsuccessful. Olivia: Stay on Sully. Text me if anything happens. I'll be back soon. Stephen: Hey, um ... should I really do it? Olivia: Yes. Stephen: I'm talking about asking Georgia to marry me. Olivia: Yes. Stephen: Because I was thinking I'd buy the ring today, but now with Sully ... Olivia: Stephen, do you want me to talk you into it or out of it? Stephen: Into it. Out of it. No. Into it. Olivia: Normal lives that's the dream. You love her. She loves you. Normal people get married. Stephen: You won't even date. Olivia: I'm not normal. Quinn: Huck finally managed to hack Paige's e-mail. I've been reading them and I think I found something. Paige sent an email to a friend, Ariel Masse. On the night of the mrder, they were supposed to attend an embassy party together. Harrison: So why didn't she go? Quinn: I, I don't know. Harrison: Don't ever say "I don't know." Olivia doesn't believe in "I don't know." She asks you why, you better have an answer. Abby! ART GALLERY Ariel: Yeah, Paige and I were supposed to go to the French Consulate dinner. Abby: What happened? Ariel: She called at the last minute and she canceled. No big deal. Abby: Ariel, if there's something you're not telling me ... Ariel: Look, you have to understand Paige loves Sully. She used to be we both used to be, you know, party girls, always out, always with a different guy. And then Paige met Sully, and she just settled down with him, you know? It made her family really happy. They were amazing together. I just can't believe she's dad. Abby: Ariel, you can cry. That's understandable, but that's not gonna make me go away. What aren't you telling me? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: In other news, White House press secretary Joyce Armstrong is saying that as of now, President Grant will issue no comment regarding wr hero Sullivan St. James' possible involvement Olivia Pope in the mrder of socialite Paige Montgomery. CAMP DAVID Aide: He'll be right with you. Olivia: Hi. Cyrus: Hello. Olivia: How are you? Cyrus: Better. You're here. He'll be out in a moment. Olivia: First lady came. She knows about this? Cyrus: It's not like during the election, Liv. The isolation of the White House bonded them. Their marriage is stronger than ever. Mellie: Liv! Olivia: Mellie. Mellie: You never call. You never write. Olivia: Well, you're a little busy. How are the kids? Mellie: Jerry's adjusting to White House life pretty well. But Karen she misses her friends, hates the Secret Service. How are you? Are you dating anybody? Because there is this guy at council's office I think you'd really ht it off with. Olivia: I'm good, really. Thank you. Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Mr. President. Fitz: It's good to see you. I know you've got your hands full with the Sully St. James thing. I can't thank you enough for taking this on. Cyrus: Her name is Amanda Tanner. She's 27. I've got rumors she might be talking. Olivia: And you can't fre her. Cyrus: Not without a nightmare on our hands. Look, as yet, she hasn't gone to the press. It'd like to put a stop to it before she does. Fitz: It's not right. Makes me look like a dirty old man. Olivia: I have to ask. Fitz: No. I never, I would never. No. You've known me a long time, longer than most. You know I did not fall for some young girl. You know there's only one person I love. Cyrus: Mellie and Fitz are happy together, Liv. He'd have no reason to cheat. Olivia: I'll handle it. Consider it handled. Fitz: You should come back to the White House. We need you on our side. Olivia: I like working for myself. But I've never left your side. Cyrus: The band is back together. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Where are we? Waiting on forensics on the gn to come in. Abby: Whoo-hoo! Paige is a whore! Paige is a whore! She was screwing some guy named Tom Henderson. She canceled on the embassy party to meet up with him. We have another viable suspect! Paige is a whore! I'm gonna run down Henderson, see if I can make something stick. Olivia: Quinn, I need you to find out everything you can about an Amanda Tanner. You have an hour And then I need you to come with me. Harrison: Impress her. JEFFERSON NATIONAL PARK Quinn: Can I ask what we're ... Olivia: You're acting as my witness. Just stay by my side. Don't say anything. Olivia: Cute dog. Golden Retriever? Amanda: Yeah. His name's Thomas Jefferson, which is lame, I know, but he's very presidential. Aren't you, T.J.? Olivia: Amanda, it would be a mistake to think there will be no consequences to you telling lies about the president. Amanda: How do you know my name? Who are you? Olivia: My name is Olivia Pope. And I want to be clear I'm not here on any official capacity. I'm only here to warn you, because you should know what could happen. It could become hard for you to find employment, your face would be everywhere. People would associate you with a sex scandal. All kinds of information about you would easily become available to the press. For example, you've had 22 sexual partners that we know of. Also, there's that ugly bout of gonorrhea. And your family your mother's mental illness a psychotic break, two years at Bedford Hospital. I bet that's private. She runs a daycare now, right? Amanda: He told me he loved me. He gave me this dog. Olivia: See, it's those kind of lies that could hurt you if you said them to other people people not as nice as me. I'll give you some free advice. Hand in your resignation and pack up your dog and your things and get in your car and go. Find a small city Minneapolis, maybe, or Denver, get a little job, meet a boring boy, make some friends. Because in this town, your career is over. You're done. Amanda: Why are you doing this to me? I'm a good person. Olivia: You know who else was a good person? Monica Lewinsky. And she was telling the truth, but she still got destroyed. Olivia: If you get subpoenaed in front of a grand jury, you can testify as an officer of the court that I was working on my own. I didn't blackmail or thrat her. If you don't get subpoenaed, this never happened. Olivia: It's handled. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Are you crying? Quinn: This is the ladies' room. Huck: Are you crying? Quinn: No. Huck: Yes, you are. Quinn: No, I'm not. Huck: You are. Quinn: Fine. I'm crying. Huck: Well, don't let Olivia see you doing that. She doesn't believe in crying. Quinn: She doesn't believe in What is that? Who says that? Huck: Olivia. She says that. Quinn: Wait. C-can I ask you why did she hire me? I mean, she must get a hundred resumes. Why me? What about me what about me says "stand next to me while I decimate a girl walking her dog"? Huck: You're here because you worship her. You want to be her. You think if you're near her, if you stand in her light, then you'll finally do stuff that matters. Because you need to believe that there's something greater than a-a 9:00 to 5:00 crap job, that there's a higher purpose, that your life has meaning, because the world feels big and you feel lost. Am I right? Olivia Pope fixes things. That's who she is. You need fixing. I don't know your story. I don't need to know. We all have a story. Everyone in this office needs fixing. You're a stray dog, and Olivia took you in. Don't question it. No crying. We don't cry, ever. TV: The President and the First Lady are just now returning to the White House, where tonight they will be hosting a state dinner for President Sarkozy and the French first lady. Even though many see this as a positive move in relations between the two countries ... Cyrus: Cyrus Beene. Olivia: Put him on. I just need a second. Cyrus: Olivia needs you. Fitz: Hi, Liv. Olivia: Did you buy her a dog? Fitz: What? Olivia: Just answer the question. Fitz: No, of course not. Why do you ask? Olivia: Do me a favor. Turn your head a little to the left. Okay. Sorry. Forget I asked. Thank you, Mr. President. Sully's on the crawl on the big three cable news stations, all over "drudge." Network news is still hours away, but, uh, Diane Sawyer's already sniffing. Abby: I've got good, I've got bad, I've got ugly. The good - Tom Henderson spilled his guts the minute I leaned on him. Bad - he has an airtight alibi. He was working as a bouncer at a club at the time of the mrder. Ugly - Henderson claims that Sully knew he was sleeping with his girlfriend, which gives Sully motive. Stephen: Even uglier - gn found in the mrder has Sully's prints all over it, which gives him means. Olivia: Damn it. Olivia: Did you know Paige was sleeping with Tom Henderson? Sully: What? Olivia: Did you Know? Sully: I hired you. You can't come in here and t... Stephen: Yes, she can. She can do whatever the hell she wants, because without her, you are definitely going to jail. My guess is 20 years, but if they get fancy, a life sentence is a possibility. Is that what you want? Olivia: Did you know Paige was sleeping with Tom Henderson? Sully: Yeah. Yeah, I knew. Olivia: Look over our statement. Get me five soldiers. Make sure it uses the words "wr hero." Preferably with bars on their uniforms, who are willing to attest to Sully's heroism and kindness And get our defense attorney down here. (On the record.) Sully: Wait. Wait. I did not kll Paige. Paige She slept around a lot before. I would've forgiven her. But I didn't kll her. You have to believe me. (Sully, your fingerprints are on the gn.) Sully: That's because I picked it up off of the floor. I am a soldier and I have looked into the faces of men as I klled them. I know what it means to take a life. I don't know how a person could do this to someone they love. I loved Paige. She was my best friend. I did not kll her. Olivia: Find me somebody, anybody, who can say they saw Sully at the time of the mrder. Make his alibi stick. Abby: Liv. Olivia: I believe him. Abby, I believe him. Go make his alibi stick. Stephen: I'll get the car. Olivia: In a minute. Huck, did you talk to my guy? Huck: Yeah. Olivia: You got it? Huck: I got it. Stephen: What? Olivia: Open it. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: Yes. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: For getting engaged. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: Stephen, we made you a reservation Best table. Huck already called Georgia. She's meeting you there. Pick a ring. Marry the girl. Be normal. Stephen: You can't just you're bullying me. Olivia: As long as I've known you, you've dated a series of women I can only describe as trashy and too young for you and most of all, stupid. Georgia is funny and fun and old enough and brilliant, and you know you want to marry her. We all know you want to marry her, so pick a damn ring already so we can go find an alibi for Sully St. James. Stephen: She'll like this one. Olivia: Excellent choice. Amanda: I want to see her. Harrison: She's not available. Amanda: I want to see her. Harrison: She's not available. Amanda: Let me through. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: I want you to give him a message. Olivia: That's not appropriate. Amanda: Not appropriate? Not appropriate? You came to me, and I know he sent you. I know you can give him a message. Olivia: This conversation is over. Please leave. Amanda: I quit my job, okay? I did it. Now please give him a message! Olivia: Marlon, take her down. Do not let her back up. Amanda: I'm telling the truth. I am. David: Time's up, Liv. I have a warrant. Olivia: I still have 40 minutes. David: Fine. 40 minutes and then I want Sully St. James in handcuffs. Olivia: You stay out here. Nobody crosses this doorway. Olivia: Get Abby on the phone. Tell her we've been invde. Tell her time is up. OUTSIDE MATTY’S PUB Abby: Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I showed Sully's picture to everyone in the bar. No one saw him the night of the mrder, and Liv's got cops in the lobby. He's finished. Stephen: Maybe not. BANK SECURITY OFFICE Harrison: I have $500 in cash and a pizza. Abby: Howie, meet your $500 and your pizza. Howie: Deep dish, sausage and mushroom? Harrison: Yeah. Howie: Show me. Stephen: We have a ticking clock here, Howie. Howie: I'm counting. Abby: Last night, between 10:00 and midnight, the bank camera that points northeast towards Matty's pub. Speed through. Stop. Right there. Harrison: Is ... Is that Sully? Stephen: We're gonna need a copy of that. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: We don't have a lot of time. The police are here, so I need you to listen. Sully: What's going on? Olivia: We were able to verify your alibi. Sully: You were? That's That's a good thing, right? Olivia: Sully, you're the most decorated hero since the Vietnam wr, you come from a family of soldiers, you make your living giving speeches for the conservative right, and you've said over and over, Paige was your best friend. Not your lover, your best friend. Paige knew, didn't she? She was your best friend. She knew you were gay. The two of you had a deal. Sully: You can't show that tape to anyone. Olivia: I need the name of the man you were kissing. Sully: You can't show that tape and you can't have a name. Olivia: It's your alibi. Sully: No. I'm You cannot tell people that I am gay. I am a hero. Abby: The police have a warrant for your arrest. All due respect, people finding out you're gay is no big deal compared to that. Sully: No. I am a hero. I honor the uniform. Olivia: Sully Sully: I honor the uniform! Olivia: Sully, look at me. The rules have changed. Don't ask, don't tell is over. Sully: That is talk! I am a conservative republican! I am publicly anti-gay! I am the deacon in my church. They're talking about me running for Congress one day. I am Lieutenant Colonel Sullivan St. James. I'm a hero. I can't be gay. Olivia: But you are. This is who you are. This is your alibi. Let us help you. Come on, Sully. Sully: No. Olivia: Sully. Sully! Cop: Sullivan St. James, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can you have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you Hey. Huck: You seen Olivia? Quinn: Sully was just arrested. Olivia went to the police station. What's up? I'm on my way there. Huck: Got a strange call some girl named Amanda Tanner. Quinn: What about her? Huck: She's in the hospital. She tried to kll herself. POLICE STATION Harrison: Reporters are starting to gather outside. Olivia: Crap. Abby: Our defense attorney's with Sully now, but it doesn't seem optimistic. What do we do? Olivia: We can't use the alibi. Abby: Can we leak it? We- Olivia: He's our client. We have to do at he wants. I hate this! I have to go. Stephen: Now? Olivia: It's after 6:00. They won't arraign him till morning. I'll be back. Get in to see Sully. See if you can change his mind. Stephen: Georgia's gonna be waiting for me at Chez Henri. I could cancel. Abby: We'll work on Sully. Go. Go! Stephen: Okay.Thanks. Abby: Get down on one knee. Women like that. HOSPITAL Olivia: What happened? Quinn: She slashed her wrists. Olivia: Any press sniffing around? Quinn: No. No one. One of the nurses told me her dad's flying in. He’ll be here in the morning. Olivia: Okay. She hasn't spoken anyone ... no nurses or doctors about anything? Quinn: Just to me. Olivia: Good. Stay with her. Quinn: Olivia. You said to trust your gut. My gut says she's telling the truth. Olivia: She's not. Quinn: How do you know? Olivia: Because I know the President. Quinn: Okay. It's just she was going on and on and on about how there's this secret room off of the Oval Office where they've met, and I've read about the White House. There is a little room. Olivia: If you read it, she read it. People are crazy. They get fixated on famous people. They stalk them. Quinn: But I don't think she's crazy. Olivia: Tell me why. Quinn: Okay. She tried to kll herself, but she didn't want to die. She called you right after she did it because she wanted him to find out she was hurt and come see her. She thought he would do that. Olivia: Quinn. Quinn: She was going on and on and on about how she thought he'd come and call her "sweet baby" and everything would be fine. Olivia: What? Quinn: What? Olivia: What did you say? Quinn: That he'd come if she was hurt. Olivia: And he would call her... Quinn: "Sweet baby." And I was just thinking that if she really thought that if he found out... WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Olivia: Where is he? Aide: It'll just be a moment. Olivia: Stephen, I can't talk right now. What's wrong? Okay. I'll be there. I'm coming. Maybe half an hour. Because I'm doing something! I’m coming. I-I have to go. Fitz: Livvie? This is a surprise. Fitz: We're gonna need the room, please. Cyrus: Sir, you have to give that toast to the president of France in ten minutes. Maybe you could find ... Fitz: We need the room. Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Sweet baby? Sweet ba.. Sweet baby? Fitz: Come here. Fitz: You left me. Olivia: Because you are married, because you said you wanted to try to dedicate yourself to your marriage, because you are the leader of the free world and I wanted you to be a better man. I wanted you to be the man I campaigned for, helped get elected, and I voted for. Do not touch me. Don't touch me. Fitz: Please. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Olivia: Did you give her that dog? Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Did you give her that dog? Fitz: I love you. Olivia: I believed you. You clouded judgment. You made me mistrust my gut because I wanted to believe you! Destroyed that girl! She tried to kll herself. Cyrus: I just want to say that we can hear you screaming. Mr. President, you want to go clean up. Fitz: Cy no. Cyrus: You have lipstick on your mouth. You need to clean up. Cyrus: Mother of God. Olivia: You didn't know. He tells you everything. Cyrus: Didn't tell me this. Olivia: Because it didn't matter enough. Cyrus: No, Liv. Liv. Olivia: Don't. I have to go. CHEZ HENRI RESTAURANT Stephen: Just a minute. Liv! Olivia: Y-you're in a coat closet. You can do this. Stephen: That's the thing. I don't think I can. Olivia: Tell me. Stephen: You know, what if I-I marry her and I cheat or she gs bored with me or She doesn't love me enough? I am not a good guy. Livvie, what if she leaves me? Olivia: I gotta trust my gut and my gut is what? Stephen: Never wrong. Olivia: Never wrong, and my gut tells me at she's in this. She's in this with you. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but you have to try, because if you try, if you leap and you try, and it doesn't work out, it's not on you. Stephen: It's not on me. Olivia: You can do this. Stephen: Okay. Okay. I can do this. Olivia: Go. Be happy. Get some normal. Stephen: Georgia, it would give me the greatest honor... POLICE STATION Olivia: We may never know who klled Paige. But this isn't about you not going to jail for Paige's mrder. This is about you not living a lie. Sully, I saw that kiss. You love that man, whoever he is. You love him. You have been living with a secret for a really long time. I know what that's like. I honestly do. And you think you're doing it for the right reasons. You think you're doing it for your country and for the people who look up to you, but the thing is, who you are, who you love that shouldn't be a secret. It shouldn't have to be a secret, should it? Sully: John Latimer. That's his name. And I do. Love him. SULLY’S PRESS CONFERENCE Sully: I am honored to have served my country. I am honored to have been injured serving my country. And just as importantly, I am honored to be a gay man who served my country. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: That was Sullivan St. James, cleared of mrder charges. Abby: The other soldiers are a nice touch, don't you think? TV: Soldiers standing by his side. Sully appeared stoically strong. Stephen: You have good ideas. Quinn: So Sully's innocent. Harrison: He didn't kll Paige. Quinn: Then who did? Huck: Don't matter. Harrison: It matters, just not to us all that matters is Sully. That's the job. Harrison: Look, I take all this stuff to the police. Maybe it helps them. Finding Paige's k*ller is their job. Quinn: You said we were the good guys. Harrison: We are. Quinn: Really? I mean, is Olivia .... is she one of the good guys? Harrison: No. She's not one of the good guys. She's the best guy. It's not enough to say it. You gotta believe it. Quinn: Gladiators in suits. Harrison: That's what I'm talking about. TV: Congressional conservative leadership is expected sometime ... Cyrus: He wants to see you. Olivia: Tell him to go to hell. Cyrus: I'm just the messenger. Olivia: You tell him that he better hope to God Amanda Tanner doesn't want to come forward with her story, because she just became my client. TV (Sully): I am honored to have served my country. I am honored to have been injured serving my country. And just as importantly, I am honored to be a gay man who served my country.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x01 - Sweet Baby"}	foreverdreaming
OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: Tomorrow is expected to be a defining moment for the Grant administration, as tenth Circuit Chief Justice Patrick Keating is considered the front-runner to be named as the president's first Supreme Court judicial nominee. Keating's nomination would not come without controversy, as the more conservative members of President Grant's own party have voiced concerns over Keating's past rulings on right-toprivacy statutes. Sharon: You did a nice job with him, the president getting him elected, I mean. Olivia: The American people did that. Sharon: Oh, honey. I followed that election. He was a diamond in the rough before you started working for him. You were responsible for that photo op with the little girl with cancer, where he played the piano. Olivia: The guitar. Sharon: You made him. Why did you leave the White House? No one leaves a job in the west wing without a good reason. Harrison: Liv, we're ready. Line two. Olivia: Stephen, you in? Stephen: We're in. Quinn: Ohh. I'm sorry. I'm here. Where is everybody? Harrison: On the job. We have a client. Quinn: What's going on? Harrison: We're fixers. We're fixing. INTERIOR SHARON MARQUETTE'S HOUSE / OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: I am open-minded. I'm an open-minded person. I don't judge. I just want to say that I think you're being a pig. You're engaged. You have a fiancée! Stephen: You almost done or not? Abby: I'm almost done. People have standards, Stephen, morals. I'm disappointed is all I'm saying. You think you know someone. Stephen: You can lecture me later. Now we're working. Abby: You work. Stephen: They're almost out. Sharon: Did they get the photo albums? Olivia: Stephen, the photo albums. Stephen: Did you get the photo albums? Abby: No. No, not yet. Sharon: Please get the photo albums. They're important. Stephen: Guys, better hurry it up. Looks like we're not alone. Abby: Got 'em. Stephen: You'd better use the back door. Stephen: Liv, he spotted me, which means you've got ten minutes. Olivia: Harrison, we've got incoming! OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I know I'm new here. I know that, but it would be so helpful if someone could tell me what's going on. Olivia: How long's it been? Quinn: Since I started working here? Harrison: Eleven minutes. Maybe he's not gonna show. Olivia: He'll be here. Just wait. Quinn: Who? Who are we waiting for? David: You know what I love about my job? I'm the good guy. The law is on my side. I am the law. The law is me. I work for justice. I uphold the constitution of these United States. I am a knight for the people. I wear the white hat, and you, Olivia Carolyn Pope, you are a pain in my ass. I had a search warrant for that house, but by the time I got to use it, there was nothing there, because your people took whatever there was to find. Olivia: Hello, David. Good to see you. Did you get a haircut? It's nice. David: Where is it, Olivia? Olivia: Where's what? David: The list, Olivia. I'm talking about the list and anything else in connection with the illegal business activities of that woman right there. Olivia: I don't have any list. No one in this office does. David: I can arrest her, you know? I have enough to arrest her right here, right now. Olivia: You could, but being an upholder of the constitution, you'd need an arrest warrant, wouldn't you? Do you have one of those? My white hat's bigger than your white hat. David: Can you at least pretend you aren't enjoying this? Quinn: Harrison, who exactly is the lady in the conference room? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You get it all? Stephen: All of it. Sharon: Th-the photo albums? Abby: All of it. Stephen: Didn't I tell you we'd take good care of you? Quinn: I'm Quinn. Sharon: Oh. Sharon Marquette. Nice to meet you. Quinn: Can I get you anything? More tea? Sharon: That's very sweet of you. Stevie, you didn't tell me you worked with so many sweet girls. Quinn: You know Stephen? Abby: Ha. Stephen: Uh, we're old friends. Abby: That's a nice word for it, "friends". Olivia: Abby. Abby: Sorry. No offense. To you. Sharon: Oh, none taken. Quinn: I'm sorry. I don't. I'm new here. How do you two know each other? Olivia: Quinn. Abby: She provides whores for him. Sharon: I'm D.C.'s finest madam, dear. WHITE HOUSE - LAWN Fitz: They ready for me? Cyrus: In a minute. Mr. President... Fitz: Big day, Cyrus. A great day for the American people. Cyrus: We need to talk about this. Fitz: I am nominating a man to the Supreme Court today. One of the finest constitutional scholars in the country. He's gonna change the face of american law. Did you know Keating also has a PhD? He wrote his dissertation on the nature of revolutions? Revolutions, Cyrus! Cyrus: And he likes sunsets and long walks on the beach. He's perfect, sir. It is a great day, but we need to talk about Olivia. Fitz: We can do this another time. Cyrus: We're doing this now. Fitz: Look, you misunderstood what you saw. Cyrus: I did not misunderstand. It may be a long while since I had an angry lover on my hands, but I do remember what it looks like. You're having an affair with Olivia Pope. Fitz: I am not having an affair Cyrus: Having, had, don't Clinton me with words. Something happened between you and Olivia, and something happened between you and Amanda Tanner. I need to know how much trouble we're in. Fitz: This is not a discussion we are going to have. Cyrus: Olivia is representing her. Amanda Tanner. She's now Olivia Pope's client. I'm on your side. Do you understand? I'm on your side. Fitz: Cy This is a great day for the American people. Don't ruin it. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Sharon Marquette D.C.'s one-stop shop for high-priced hookers. Yesterday one of Sharon's newest working girls Ginger Bell. Seriously, her real name is Ginger Bell, like her parents didn't want her to go to college, like they planned for their kid to be a hooker Ginger Bell got herself arrested in the lobby of the Hay-Adams. This is her booking photo. Pretty girl. You ever sleep with Ginger Bell, Stevie? Olivia: Abby. Abby: Moving on, Ginger Bell sang like a little bird, a bird who has sex for money, the second they locked her in a cell. Sharon: I don't blame Ginger. Really, I don't. It was her first night. The first night's always the hardest for a girl, you know? It's the night she learns whether or not she has what it takes. She has to put on her face and go out into the world, sit in the bar or the lobby or wherever it is they've decided to meet, and then she has to look him in the eye and know that they're both in agreement that her body is worth a certain amount of money. Of course, it's a lot of money, but it's still a transaction, and then she has to come back and show me what she made, so I know she can go out again the next night and the night after that. Huck: I wiped her home computer, and I just searched the copy I made, and there's nothing there no names, no dates, no tax returns. Olivia: David thinks there is a client list, and if there is one, we need it. We may need not to use it, but we need to know who's on it. We can't do anything for Sharon until we know the landscape, and the landscape starts with that list. Huck: Well, there were no records I could see. There was nothing encrypted. Quinn: Does someone like Sharon even keep records? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sharon: And that's Mason And that's Aiden in the frog costume. Aren't they adorable? And my daughter says they're testing well above grade level. Harrison: Okay, ma'am, I'm sure your grandkids are great and all, but, um sorry. Sharon: No, you're right. I enjoy showing them off, but what you really want to see is back here. I have them going all the way back to 1986. Olivia: A girl's first name, a date, an amount, and a number. Harrison: No Johns? Stephen: Ten digits. Telephone numbers? Huck: You're good. Sharon: I try. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Phone numbers are perfect. Put 'em in a public records database, and it's as good as a name, maybe better. Type in a number And I get every man who purchased one of Sharon's girls. His name, his photo, his address, how much he weighs, and if he's an organ donor. Abby: I'm being thorough. Olivia: Amanda Tanner I want you to go check on her in the hospital. Quinn: I can help with the madam case. I know I'm new here, and you maybe don't think I'm ready, but I want to be useful. Olivia: You are being useful, checking on Amanda Tanner. Quinn: Well, I just I mean, you said yourself, she's just a girl telling lies about the president, and she's not going to anymore. She's not going to talk to anybody. You put a stop to that, so why is she so important? Look, I'm just saying, I'm a lawyer, too, and I can do more than get coffee and babysit Amanda Tanner. Olivia: Don't ask questions. Just go. Abby: This is why I don't date. Harrison: This is why I don't trust politicians. Stephen: Yeah, it's a "who's who" of Washington. Olivia: No wonder the U.S. attorney wants to get his hands on this list. Olivia: Damn it. Stephen: Liv? Olivia: I gotta go. Harrison: Who's Patrick Keating? Stephen: Well, right now he's no one, but in about ten minutes, he's gonna be the President's first Supreme Court nominee. WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE Olivia: No, listen, it it's gonna take at least a couple of hours for David to get that arrest warrant. Don't give up that list for any reason. Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can. Olivia: Morning, Morris. Morris: Sorry, Ms. Pope, but you aren't cleared. Olivia: Wh-when have I ever not been cleared? Morris: Never, till today. Let me see what I can...I'm supposed to take your hard pass. Olivia: I'm denied? Morris, you know me. I? Morris: Look, I'm sorry. You could still come in if you had an appointment, but you Billy: Is there a problem? Because she makes 'em go away for a living, and she's very good. Morris: Ms. Pope isn't on the list, sir. Billy: What did you do now? Olivia: Don't ask. Can you get me in? I need to talk to Cyrus. Billy: She can come in with me. I'll vouch for her. Morris: I'm sorry, but she needs an appointment, or else I can't let her in. Billy: What's your extension, Morris? Morris: 3838. Why? Billy: Hang on. Okay. Answer it. Morris: Hello. Billy: Hi. This is Billy Chambers, the Vice President's Chief of Staff. I need a walk-on pass for Olivia Pope. Thank you, Morris. Olivia: Thank you. Thank you. Billy: So what's up? Olivia: You're gonna want to hear this. HOSPITAL Gideon: Don't you hate hospitals? Quinn: Yeah, a little. Gideon: Is that your sister? Quinn: She's a friend. Gideon: Gideon Wallace. Quinn: Quinn Perkins. Gideon: Is she gonna be okay, your friend? Quinn: Yeah, I think so. Gideon: That's good, really good. She tried to kll herself? I was walking by here earlier. I saw the bandages on her wrists. Her name's Amanda, right? She ever try anything like this before? Quinn: Gideon? Gideon: Yes? Quinn: Which news outlet do you work for? Gideon: The "D.C. Sun". And who do you work for? Quinn: I don't work for anyone, and I'm not going to talk to you, and Amanda can't talk to you, because she's been knocked out on sedatives for the past day and a half, so she can't really talk to anyone, especially a reporter, so you should probably go. WHITE HOUSE - CYRUS'S OFFICE Cyrus: This was our guy. You chose this guy. He was your pick. You loved this guy. The President loves this guy. He's Clarence Darrow for the 21st century. When he's not writing opinions for the tenth circuit, he herds cattle on his ranch in Wyoming. He's flawless. You know how I know? We vetted him, and we found nothing. The man is a saint, which is why the President stood in front of the press and nominated him to the highest court in the land. Olivia: Which I could have stopped, if you hadn't cut off my access. Cyrus: You know why I cut off your access. Olivia: He's on the list, Cyrus. Cyrus: How did you miss this? Billy: I didn't. She's wrong. Keating's a boy scout. Olivia: Oh, come on. You and the V.P. should be thrilled. Keating's always been too far left for the Republican base. Billy: Personally, yeah, he wouldn't be my choice, but I'm a team player, Liv, and so is the V.P. The manager asks you to put a guy in, you put him in. Olivia: You can't put Keating in. 23 years ago Patrick Keating slept with a high-end hooker. Billy: Maybe we'll be fine. Olivia: More than once! Billy: Maybe we'll be fine. Confirmation hearings are in two weeks, four tops. Maybe this won't come out. Olivia: It's a dirty little secret, and dirty little secrets always come out, don't they, Cyrus? Cyrus: Billy, give us a minute. Olivia: No. No, no. No need. I'm going, but you need to get yourself a backup nominee. Billy: Since when are you two on opposite sides? Liv's one of us. Cyrus: Fix the Keating thing. Now. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY Staffer: Ms. Pope, the president would like a moment with you. Olivia: Please tell the president I'm busy. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Hey, I don't understand half of this. Is this some kind of code? What does "hardwood floors" mean? Stephen? Stephen: Why would you think that I would know? Abby: Because you frequent whores. Stephen: I do not frequent. Fine. You want to know what it means? It means there's no carpeting. Abby: Oh. Harrison: To match the, uh, drapes. Abby: Oh. And, uh, what about, uh, "sunny day"? Stephen: On a sunny day, you don't have to wear a raincoat. Abby: And all of the languages these girls speak, those are all things? Stephen: Yes, those are all things. Abby: So all of these girls are not actually fluent in Greek? Olivia: Where are we? Huck: Almost done with the list of names. Olivia: Any word from the U.S. attorney? Stephen: Nothing. Maybe he couldn't get a warrant. Police: Police! Open up! Olivia: He got a warrant. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/HOSPITAL David: Where's my madam? Olivia: Come on, David. You're after Sharon Marquette for the publicity and for getting your name in the paper and for upping your sht at Attorney General the next time there's a democrat in office. David: I'm after Sharon Marquette because she's a criminal. Are you seriously the patron Saint of streetwalkers now? Bring her out, or I'll go in to get her. Huck: Do not touch her. Olivia: Harrison! Go downstairs and make sure we don't have any press waiting to give David a photo op. Harrison: On it. David: The madam, Olivia. Now. Olivia: Abby, get Sharon and Stephen. Olivia: What? Did you get a name? Quinn: Gideon. His name was gideon Wallace, and he writes for the "Sun". Olivia: Hold on. Don't say anything to anyone. Olivia: I want a private holding cell, no gen pop, and recently cleaned. Handcuffs? Because the nice grandma is so dangerous. Olivia: Quinn, you do not leave her side. You do not eat. You do not sleep. She doesn't leave your sight. Do you understand? Quinn: Yes. Yes, I understand. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my sight. She doesn't leave my...sight. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: We'll get you out in no time. Sharon: Thank you, dear. Harrison: No press, but Patrick Keating and his wife are in the lobby with Billy Chambers. They're on their way up. Olivia? Olivia: I'm thinking. Harrison, put Patrick Keating in an office far away from the board. Stephen, get Sharon out of jail. Huck, find out who the hell gideon Wallace is. Abby, you're with me. All cylinders, people! Let's go! Olivia: No. No. Absolutely no. I gave Cyrus the heads-up because I was doing you a favor, but I don't work at the White House anymore, and Keating is not my client. You have a problem, you fix it yourself. Billy: Liv, it's me. Help me out here. This is an F.O.F. favor, by the way. Olivia: Don't you friend-of-Fitz favor me. Billy: I am telling you, Keating is the real deal, and you're just gonna let him go down? Come on. You're the big gn. Fix it. How about a friend-of-Billy favor? Patrick: Uh, Billy here tells me, uh, there's some problem with my nomination, and you're the only one who's qualified to tell me about it. Abby: Mrs. Keating, perhaps you'd like to come with me and get a cup of coffee. Patrick: She's my wife. Anything you have to say to me, you can say to her. I don't have secrets. Olivia: Your honor, your name was discovered on a list of our client's customers, dating back to the early 1990s. According to her records, you visited a prosttute named Stacey a number of times in late 1991 and early 1992. Patrick: Is this because I'm not one of your hyper-religious whack jobs who want to overlook the constitution in favor of whatever version of the Bible is selling the most brimstone this week? Mrs. Keating: Patrick, don't get worked up. Billy: Sir, I know this is a stressful process, but we are all united in trying to get you confirmed, sir. The entire administration. You have my word on that. Patrick: If my name's on a list somewhere, I want to see it. Olivia: My client's privacy is nonnegotiable. I assure you, the list is real, judge, and your name is on it. Patrick: Well, this is just this is a bold-faced lie. That's what it is. Do you know what I've done to get here, what I've had to give up? My entire career my entire life has been about sitting on that bench, about the law, about following the law. I would never in... Olivia: Judge, that may be true, but we need to go into crisis mode now. My advice to you is that you pull your name from consideration, blame it on a medical ailment or a personal family matter, state how grateful you are to have been chosen but that you have to withdraw. Perhaps we could sit you down with Diane Sawyer. Patrick: No, I did not do this, and I will not lie, and I will not withdraw my name. The President called me to serve, and I will not turn my back on my duty to my country. Mrs. Keating: He didn't do this. I know he didn't. Losing the nomination it'll kll him. Please don't let that happen. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: What does your gut say? Olivia: That he's not a hooker guy or a liar. If he says he's never heard of Stacey, I believe him. Harrison: That calls the whole list into question. Huck: It makes sense. Sharon's a smart lady. She's been doing this a long time. At the end of the day, that list is all she's got. Harrison: You think she got a little creative with the data entry? Huck: Would you blame her? Olivia: I wouldn't, but I'm not willing to throw away a man's entire career over a little embellishment. Track down Stacey. Find out if Keating was really one of the Johns. POLICE STATION Sharon: Well, it's not the nicest place I've ever spent the afternoon, but it's an occupational hazard, I guess. Stephen: Well, I can get you out of here, and I can make sure you never have to come back here again, but you need to let me give them your client list. Sharon: No. Stephen: The U.S. attorney is gonna get his hands on it eventually, and it is the only leverage you have. Sharon: Well, maybe, but I didn't stay out of trouble for 30 years by kissing and telling, Stevie. Nobody knows that better than you. Stephen: Your clients are all grown men. I'm a grown man. I made a choice to do something illegal, and sometimes we have to live with the choices we make. Sharon: I was the only single mother in my daughter's preschool class, and when she was 17 and found out what I did, what I really did for a living, she didn't talk to me for ten years. Six months ago, she calls me up and tells me I can finally meet my grandchildren, so I know a lot about living with my choices, Stevie. Believe me. Stephen: Do you want your grandchildren to meet you in jail? Sharon: No, but the thing is, most of the men on that list, they have grandchildren, too. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: You blocked Liv from the White House. Cyrus: I did, for your own protection. Fitz: I have the secret service, the national guard, and some very scary marine sentries to protect me. I think Liv can walk through the White House without posing a danger. Cyrus: I don't think Olivia is the danger. I think the person you need protection from is you. This went up on the "D.C. Sun's" blog today. I need to know what's going on here the details, all the details. We're not going down because you failed to keep your fly zipped. Fitz: You work for me, not the other way around. Cyrus: You work for the people, Mr. President. I am the people. You work for me. Fitz: It's two sentences about a disturbed girl. Cyrus: Watergate was two sentences about a burglary. Mellie: Hi, Cy. Cyrus: Mellie. Mellie: Honey, are you ready for the chancellor and his wife? Because I think they are ready for us. Fitz: Can't keep the chancellor waiting. Cyrus: You can't. Fitz: You look fantastic. Mellie: Oh, well, thank you, kind sir. Fitz: Mrs. Hanley, where are my remarks? I'm supposed to say something in German. Mellie: Billy Chambers told me we've ht a snag in the Keating nomination. Is it serious? Cyrus: We don't know yet. Could be. Mellie: Well, you know what I always say if it's serious, get Olivia on it. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: You're sure we're looking for a Stacey? 'Cause I don't think my favorite girl down at Camelot's given name is Sinnamon, if you get my drift. Abby: Sharon had some check stubs. Not everyone who worked for her was using a pseudonym. Maybe someone kept in touch with Stacey, knows her real name. Huck: You look like you're gonna throw up. Don't throw up in my office. Quinn: I was doing a thing for Olivia, and I screwed it up. Huck: You screw up, you fix it. You're a fixer. That's the job. Quinn: I lost a person. I need you to help me track them or hunt them or whatever it is you do to find out where someone is, like, right now at this instant. Huck: You try their house? Try their house. Olivia: What are you doing here? Quinn: I wasn't my fault. I went out to call you, and when I came back, she disappeared, but it's okay, because I'm going to her house right now, and I'm not letting her out of my sight once I get there. Olivia: Once we get there, so I can fix this. Stephen: Uh, Sharon won't give up the list. Olivia: Good. Stephen: We have a client in jail. She won't do the one thing that can get her out of jail. How is that possibly good? Olivia: If that list gets out, Keating's ruined. Stephen: Keating's not our client. Neither is the White House, by the way. It's not your responsibility if they look bad anymore, Liv. Olivia: I don't want to see a man's reputation destroyed over something that is not true. Stephen: Well, neither do I, but we've already picked sides in this, and our side is sitting in a D.C. jail. David: Good. I won't have to walk far. Olivia Pope, you've been served. That's a subpoena for Sharon Marquette's client list. You have two hours to produce it, so I'll see you in court. Going down? OUTSIDE - PARK Harrison: It's your turn. Abby: Please, no. Harrison: I did the last one. Who would've thought ex-hookers don't like talking about hooking? Abby: You would never pay for sex, would you? Have you? Harrison: Look, everyone pays for sex, at least until they're in a relationship. That's how it works. I buy you dinner. I buy you drinks. That's not out of the goodness of my heart. Abby: Why do men do it? Harrison: Honestly, to never have to have a conversation like the one we're having right now. Abby: It's your turn. Inez: I said share. You have had enough, mister. Abby: Inez Parks? Did you ever work for Sharon Marquette back in 1991? We're not looking for you. We're looking for a woman named Stacey. You both worked for Sharon at the same time. Inez: Take your brothers. Go and play with Jane and Andy, okay? Go ahead. Mommy will be there in just a minute. Inez: What do you want to know? AMANDA TANNER'S APARTMENT Olivia: I'll do the talking. You just stand there. Don't do anything. Quinn: I could do my job really well if you'd just tell me what's going on. Amanda: Do you know what you did to me the other day? Do you? You made me want to die. Literally, actually die. I sliced myself open, and now you're standing here on my doorstep, which I can only assume is because you know I was telling the truth about the President. That's why you're here. It's the only reason why you could be. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: Say it. Olivia: You don't. Amanda: Say it. Olivia: You were telling the truth about the president. Amanda: Thank you. Now get the hell away from me and leave me alone. Olivia: You want to be left alone? A blogger posted a story about you today just a couple sentences, nothing major, but someone out there is going to follow up and want you to answer some questions. Do you know what you're going to say, exactly what you're going to say, to every question, every time someone calls? Because if you don't, there's gonna be more questions from more reporters. You're going to say or do the wrong thing. You'll get flustered. You'll get upset, and you'll say something that will bring out the dogs, and what started out as two sentences on a blog nobody reads is going to turn into a full-blown tabloid scandal, and the tabloids are gonna feel like a walk in the park once the networks pick up the story, and they will, because this story has a scent. It smells like papers sold. It smells like ratings. Your face is going to be on the front page of every newspaper in the entire world, and there will be no leaving you alone then. You will never, ever be alone again. I made you want to die, and I'm sorry about that. I am not proud of that. I'm not, but now I would like to help you. I can help you, if you let me. Amanda: Just leave me alone. Olivia: Write your cell phone number on here, and slide it under her door. In a few hours, she's going to call you, and you are gonna have to convince her to let us represent her. Quinn: Wait. How do you know she's gonna call? Olivia: Because I'm very good at my job. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You find our Stacey? Harrison: Nope, but we found somebody that knew her. Said back in '91, she planned on moving out west with her boyfriend Montana, Wyoming, one of the flyovers. Stephen: I'm off to court. Um, you think that Zuckerman will buy this is a fishing expedition? Abby: As a basis for quashing the subpoena? Olivia: She might. Zuckerman's old-school. It's the best we've got. We need to keep that list from going public. Take Harrison. He's charming. Harrison: Mm. Hm. Abby: Ohh. I know I shouldn't care. Olivia: You should not care. Abby: You're fine with the fact that he sleeps with prosttute? Olivia: Everybody has secrets, Abby. Most of them aren't pretty. In our line of work, I don't judge. Neither should you. Abby: But why does a man like that, an attractive man, a man with nice clothes and a good job and wavy hair and a fiancee who loves him, why does a man like that... Olivia: His name is Stephen. Abby: Why does Stephen buy sex from whores? I know. I shouldn't care. Why do I care? I'm not his wife. Abby: No, you're n ... Abby: Liv? WHITE HOUSE - ENTRANCE Olivia: One dozen red velvet cupcakes extra frosting, like you like 'em. Morris: Of course you know cupcakes would never work, Ms. Pope. I have a gn. I could sh*t you, but I did get a call from Ms. Hanley. Olivia: The president's secretary? Morris: Apparently the President wants you back on the list. Olivia: Thank you. Morris: 'Course I don't know what kind of cupcakes you gave him. WHITE HOUSE Olivia: Stacey? You didn't even flinch when you found out your husband had slept with a prosttute because it was you. You put Patrick through law school, and you moved to Wyoming, and his dream became your dream, and you dedicated your life to making it real. You're Stacey. You're the reason he's on the list. Mrs. Keating: It was my first night, and I was so, so scared. I was sitting at the bar waiting for my date, and he was late, and I was afraid that he wasn't coming. All the girls had told me that there were no excuses with Sharon Marquette, that you came back your first night out with your money, or you were done, and she was the best. Her girls were classy. Call girls, you know? Not whores. So I sat at the bar, and I waited, and I waited, and then Patrick came up to me. He could see that I'd been stood up and that I was pretty upset about it, and so he sat down, and he made me laugh. I had never ht it off with somebody like that right off the bat before. He didn't know, and I wasn't going to tell him. I liked him so I started seeing him. I-I told Sharon that he was a client, but I paid for all of our dates myself. You know- We didn't even have sex until our wedding night. Olivia: And you never told him the truth. Mrs. Keating: Patrick would never understand. I mean, we needed the money, and ... and he- he spent every night at the law school library studying, so I told him that I got a second job Working the night shift. That's what I told myself I was doing. I was "working the night shift". It's how we paid for Georgetown. It's how he got where he is today. I love that man. I just. I can't tell him that that his whole life was built on a lie. Olivia: You have a good life with a man who makes you happy, and no one lie can negate all that, but you have to tell him. Because if he finds out from someone who isn't you, it's going to break his heart. COURTHOUSE Stephen: This subpoena is a fishing expedition, your honor, plain and simple. It's an attempt to drag the hundreds of legal escort clients Sharon Marquette has serviced into the mud. David: Name one single prostitution case where claiming "fishing expedition" has actually worked. Just one. I'll wait. Harrison: Uh, Williams vs. Pennsylvania, or maybe Davis vs. Florida is more your style. That was back in, uh, 1998. I can keep going, your honor. Judge: Counsel, approach the bench, please. Are you aware you are all grown men, and that as such, it should be at least somewhat beneath you to waste my time on what seems to be no more than a pissing match? Harrison: We are, your honor. Judge: Well, thank God for the little things. Mr. Finch and Mr. Wright, hand over that client list by noon tomorrow, and, Mr. Rosen, that woman's bail is coming do to something that wouldn't make Donald Trump feel extravagant, and let's all get back to making the world a better place. Thank you, gentlemen. Harrison: What do we do now? Stephen: We gotta get Sharon the best defense attorney we can find. WHITE HOUSE Mrs. Keating: I didn't say that. Patrick: You did just now. You did! Fitz: He's the perfect jurist methodical, analytical, nonpartisan. He lives by the letter of the law. You chose well But then you always do. Olivia: He would have been a great supreme court justice. I couldn't stop it. It's coming out. Fitz: I'll have to find another nominee. Any suggestions? Olivia: I don't work for you anymore. Fitz: You think they'll get past this? Olivia: I don't know how they can. Fitz: I think that those two people want to be together. I think that love, at the end of the day, is stronger than some mistake somebody made. Something they did that they regret. I think that love allows for forgiveness. Olivia: I have to go. Fitz: Liv. Olivia: It's done. Everybody loses. Let it go. Fitz: Liv, please. Olivia: What do you imagine that there is left to say? Fitz: Everything. Olivia: Or nothing. Patrick: It's not an act of love. Mrs. Keating: Please try to understand. Patrick: I understand. I understand that you're a liar, and that you have cost us everything that mattered in this damn world. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I'm gonna head down to the U.S. attorney's office with the list. Hey. Sometimes one gets away from us. Think of it this way the list gets out, potential clients, every one of these guys. Olivia: Yeah. There's a lot of power up on this wall. Olivia: Harrison! VARIOUS LOCATIONS AROUND D.C. Harrison: Sunny day. Harrison: Hardwood floors. Harrison: Ahem. Trip to the islands? Harrison: Do you speak Greek? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I realize you may not be united ideologically, but thankfully screwing around seems to be a bipartisan effort, and you all have one thing in common the services of my client, Sharon Marquette, and while the two of us don't care how you spend your free time, your constituents might. I think we can all be in agreement that this small business owner should not be unduly harassed by the law. Am I right? Charlie: Lady, I have no idea what you think you're talking about, but I have a dinner to get to, so if you'll excuse me. Sharon: Oh, Charlie. She's talking about how you like to go around the world, dear twice in one night, if you take your pills. Olivia: Glad to see we're all in agreement. And I'm gonna need just one more thing. WASHINGTON D.C. BAR TV: My reversal on Judge Keating is a simple matter of reviewing the facts and my personal feeling that he's the best man for the job. David: Just tell me who was on the list. Olivia: You know I can't do that. David: I mean, I can guess who was on it, given the long list of calls my boss got right before he ordered me to drop the case. Olivia: David, you got what you wanted. Everybody wins. She's out of the business, liquidating her assets, buying a place in Florida with extra bedrooms for the grandkids. The stain on the district's moral landscape is gone. David: Right. Olivia: Unless you're not actually a white hat and what you were after was the high-profile fame-and-fortune thing all along. David: You realize, don't you, that this is why we can never be friends? WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: And, lo, the day was saved by Olivia Pope, as usual. You know, there are 13 arrows in the eagle's left claw to represent the 13 states. Actually it's 13 everything. 13 clouds. 13 leaves on the olive branch. Olivia helped us. She's not against us. Cyrus: Mm. Fitz: Really, you're not talking to me now? The leader of the free world is standing on the presidential seal in the oval office, slightly inebriated. I think that would warrant a lecture, at least some words from his majesty Cyrus Beene, king of me. Cyrus: What do you want me to say? You won't tell me anything. I'm obviously not someone you trust, so you just stand there alone on your presidential seal. Have a party. Fitz: I know I don't get to do what other men do. Above reproach, my whole life. I'm not John Edwards. I get it. Wear the crown. And that's fine. There's a price. But Liv. Is the love of my life. And she won't even talk to me. Okay? We do not talk about this tomorrow. You hate scotch. Cyrus: I do But I don't tonight, not with you, and we won't talk about it tomorrow. Fitz: You're on my side. Cyrus: I'm on your side, Mr. President. Fitz: You think Reagan did this? Hell, Roosevelt? You know Nixon and Clinton did, but Carter or Truman? OUTSIDE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL Amanda: I'm sorry I called you so late. I don't know. I just got scared, like maybe somebody was watching my place. I know that sounds crazy. Quinn: No, that's okay. Amanda: A reporter called my parents, asked them why I wanted to kll myself. They were having dinner. It's already happening, isn't it? Quinn: I was in trouble once. A lot of people wanted to...I was in trouble. I was alone, and it was awful, but if I had had someone, someone who knew what I should say and what I should do, I would have given anything to have that person by my side, and Olivia Pope she wears the white hat. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Amanda: I'm here, okay, but we do this on my terms. Olivia: You'll be glad you came. I promise. Gideon: Hello? Gideon: Hello. Quinn: What are you doing here? Olivia: Quinn, who's this? Quinn: The reporter from the hospital. Gideon. Quinn: What are you doing here? I need a quote for my story. Olivia: Your story. You don't have a story. You don't have anything, so go home. Gideon: No. Olivia: Excuse me? She tried to k*ll herself the day after she quit working for the President, and she lied about who she works for, and now they're both here in this office with you, and I might just be a Metro reporter for a dying newspaper, but you're Olivia Pope, so, no. No, I didn't have a story, but now, now I do.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x02 - Dirty Little Secrets"}	foreverdreaming
OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I don't know how you take it, cream or sugar, so I brought both. Amanda: I don't take it. Do they always do this? Quinn: Yeah. They do that. Amanda: Good. God. I was starting to think it was me or something. Quinn: It is you. They're talking about you, Amanda. Everyone's gonna be talking about you. Stephen: No. No way. Abby: Are you kidding? Stephen: What if she's lying? Abby: What if she's not? I vote yes. Olivia: We're not voting. Stephen: It's Monica all over again, except without the blue dress, without any kind of proof. Abby: Who needs proof? The girl said she slept with the president. Stephen: Liv worked at the white house. That alone makes it a giant conflict of interest. Abby: Oh, please call me when you grow a pair. Olivia: We're not voting. Huck: She seems scared. I'd vote yes if we were voting. Harrison: It's Sandra Harding. Her son didn't make it to court. Day one can you believe it? Who are we voting on? Olivia: We're not voting. She's ours. We're keeping her. It's done. Olivia: Sandra, we'll find him. Stephen: I'll go to court and help the defense stall. Olivia: You're gonna have to get creative. Harrison, you're with me. Huck, find Gideon Wallace at the "D.C. Sun" I want to talk to him today. Abby, take Amanda home, pack up her things, make sure - Abby: No one no one is following her and set her up at your apartment. Got it. COURTHOUSE Judge: I'm losing my patience, Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole: Uh, I'm told he'll be here very soon, your honor. A Presidential motorcade is blocking Massachusetts Avenue. Judge: Ah. Yet, here we are. Attorney: Perhaps the defendant should take one of his helicopters, your honor. Stephen: We're running out of time, Liv. HOTEL Olivia: Well, keep stalling. Harrison: Room service. We've got your breakfast. Girl: I don't think we ordered any. Harrison: I love my job. Olivia: You might want to put on some clothes for this. Excuse me. Olivia: Up and at 'em, Trav! Travis: Oh-ho-ho! Livvie! How the hell are ya? Olivia: I'm fine. You're late. Travis: Hey, do you know who this is?! This is the Olivia Pope. She's amazing. She works for the...Who do you work for now, the White House, CIA, FBI? Olivia: Today? Your mother. Travis: Oh, crap. Olivia: She's not too thrilled about the fact that you were late for court on your first day of trial. Olivia: Is this what you're looking for? Travis: Just give me, like, two minutes. All right? Where are my pants? Harrison: Whoa. Why don't we why don't we rinse the booze off first? Judge will appreciate that. Travis: I know I've been hitting it pretty hard lately, going out. I've just been so stressed out. Olivia: A rpe charge does it to the best of us. Travis: I didn't do it. I no- Olivia: I know. I believe you. Now let's go work on that judge and jury. Olivia: You. May I ask a favor? COURTHOUSE Judge: Court's adjourned. Back here at 2:00 with your defendant, or I'll lock him up for the rest of the trial. Mr. Cole: Thank you, your honor. Stephen: How are you holding up, Sandra? Sandra: I can't lose him, Stephen. I won't lose him. Stephen: I know. I know. HOTEL Harrison: Get my good side, gentlemen. HOTEL - UNDERGROUND Travis: Is there anything you didn't take care of, Liv? Olivia: Your hotel bell. It's a doozy. Travis: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sandra: He really did forget what time the trial started. Olivia: Sandra. Sandra: You're right. He screwed up. Olivia: He's lucky the judge didn't throw him back in jail. This isn't a parking ticket. He's on trial for rpe. Sandra: He didn't do it. He didn't rpe that girl. Olivia: I believe you, but if I'm the jury, I'm already resenting him for wasting my time. Sandra: Which is why I would like you on this thing. You can guide our defense team, keep Travis in line. Olivia: Unh-unh. No way. Today was just a favor. Sandra: Liv. Olivia: Sandra, I love you. I love your son. But I am on retainer for your company, not your family. I help with mergers and P.R. I don't babysit 27 year olds. Sandra: I know that Travis is irresponsible. I know that. I try to tell him that he has to step up, fix his own mistakes. Part of it is on me. After Hal died, he went through a very rough time, and I didn't always have the time to help him sort through all of that stuff. And these girls see the son of a rich C.E.O., and they get dollar signs in their eyes. That girl is not the victim here. Travis is. Please. You've handled difficult clients before. Olivia: Not ones who didn't show up in court. And I already got Travis one of the best defense lawyers in Washington. He doesn't need me. Sandra: I need you. I spend all day listening to people who tell me what they think I want to hear. You are the only one who will give it to me straight. He could be in a lot of trouble here, Liv. I need someone on our side who I can trust. Olivia: People don't say no to you very often, do they? Sandra: Probably about as often as they say no to you. WHITE HOUSE - PRIVATE RESIDENCE Fitz: What's happening? Mellie: Morning, honey. Fitz: What's happening? Mellie: I called Mrs. Hanley and I canceled your morning schedule. Fitz: Uh. Oh, for the love of... Mellie: You haven't been sleeping. You paced until 4:00 A.M. I wanted you to get some sleep. Fitz: I had a video conference on hunger in the developing world. Mandela got outta bed. Mandela was waiting for me. Mellie: People die if they don't get enough sleep. Fitz: The chairman of the joint chiefs and I had a meeting, I was sitting with the economic advisors. Mellie: You needed one chance to sleep in. Fitz: I am the leader of the free world! I do not sleep in! Mellie: Why aren't you sleeping? Fitz: Mel... Mellie: I just want you to have what you need. You know that. I'm doing a tour of D.C. homeless shelters this afternoon. I have to give a speech. Wish me luck. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Gideon: Hey. Quinn: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. You have to stop showing up here. Gideon: Are you always this high-strung? Quinn: No. I'm just new. Gideon: It's kind of charming. Relax. I have a meeting with your boss. Quinn: Um, Olivia, I... Gideon: Hey, where are you going? We have a meeting. Olivia: No, we don't. Gideon: You called me. Your guy said that you wanted to talk to me about- Olivia: Why would I want to do that? Gideon: I don't know. I imagine so you can try to kll my story about Amanda Tanner, which there is no way in hell I am gonna let you do. Olivia: I don't have to kll your story, Gideon. You're going to kll it yourself. As soon as you publish even anything remotely interesting about my client, all of the real reporters at your paper are going to snatch it right out of your cub reporter hands. By the way, great piece yesterday about how the cherry blossoms are so late to bloom this year. I do hope they come soon. This is how this works. You're gonna leave Amanda alone and keep her name out of your paper for the next 72 hours. You do that, and I will give you some background on her. And if you're lucky, a quote. Gideon: That sounds fair. Okay. Good meeting. Olivia: There was no meeting. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: You bring a lot of clients to your home? Olivia: Just the ones that need to be kept out of the public eye. Amanda: So, what happens next? Olivia: Next we talk about things. Amanda: Okay. Olivia: Not bad things. Just things that will help me. For instance, I need to know if you have any proof of what went on with you and the President. Amanda: Why do you need that? Olivia: Because if it ever came down to his word against yours, we'll need proof of what happened, because even though I believe you, others won't. Amanda: I have something, yeah. I'm not ready to tell you what it is. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: My terms. You said we could do this on my terms. I'm not telling you until I'm ready. Olivia: Okay. Hopefully, it won't come to that. Hopefully, we'll figure this out, which brings me to the second thing I need. What's the end game? Amanda: The end game? Olivia: A question I ask every client what they want. What's your best outcome? Do you want money? Do you want to stay in Washington? Do you want your job back? You have options. Amanda: I want to see the President. Olivia: Excuse me? Amanda: I want to see the President. I want one meeting with him, alone, face-to-face. RESTAURANT Cyrus: No. No, it was the caucus. We were in Des Moines debating, and the moderator raises the question. Billy: Mm-hmm. Cyrus: And Fitz just looked ... Olivia. Olivia: Oh, please. Billy, can you give us a minute? Billy: Um, I'm, uh, eating shrimp scampi, so, no. Olivia: Billy. Billy: Liv, I'm eating, and he's paying. Do you know how rare that is? Look, you used to be the work wife, but word on the street is, your spots open, so you really think I'm leaving this table? Olivia: Billy, leave the table. Cyrus: Billy, leave the table. Cyrus: Work wife. I suppose that's true. Olivia: It is true. Was true. Cyrus: He's not sleeping. Olivia: Not my problem. Cyrus: So what does my ex-work wife want? Olivia: Amanda Tanner wants a sit-down. Fifteen minutes with him. Cyrus: You and I both know- Olivia: And then she goes away, for good. This is legit, Cyrus. Cyrus: And then this goes away? Olivia: Then you'll buy scampi only for me. Cyrus: We made a President together. Olivia: We did. Cyrus: I miss you. Olivia: Yeah. Me, too. Cyrus: He's not sleeping. Olivia: Cyrus, neither am I. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Mr. Cole: The woman's name is Helen Fisher. She went home with Travis willingly. Claims that things got out of hand, he wouldn't take no for an answer. Stephen: How are you explaining the bruises? Mr. Cole: Self-inflicted. After the fact. Travis is innocent. Abby: Aren't they all? Mr. Cole: No. Hell, no. But Travis is. I have tried millions of these cases. It's a classic he said, she said. It'll all come down to Olivia: Perception. These cases always do. And you're how do I say this? You're being perceived by the public, and more importantly, by the jury, as an entitled rich boy who thinks he can get away with anything. To change that, you play by my rules. Harrison's your babysitter. You do not drink. You don't go out. No more blondes, as charming as she was. Travis: Whatever you say, Liv. OUTSIDE DAVID ROSEN'S APARTMENT David: You're obsessed. Do I need a restraining order? Olivia: A restraining order? For a friend who brings you free coffee? David: We're not friends, and that coffee is not free. What do you want? Olivia: Jane Powell she's prosecuting the Harding rpe case. You got any- David: Dirt? Dirt on Jane Powell, my friend and colleague? So you can thrat or intimidate her? Olivia: Oh, please, you hate Jane Powell. Jane Powell is gn for your job. You're so touchy pre-coffee. David: bat it, stalker. Olivia: That's no way to treat a friend. David: We're not friends. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: No luck with the U.S. attorney. I got nothing on the prosecution. Where's the jury? Stephen: Uh, these ten are voting guilty. Quinn: But the trial's not even over. How can you say that for sure? Stephen: Demographics, body language, sociological, and psychological factors. We've ruled out all but two as potential non-guilty votes uh, juror 4 freelance graphic designer, bartender, voted for Nader. Olivia: He's independent, contrarian. Good. Stephen: And juror 6, uh, N.R.A. member, retired marine, winces every time the prosecution speaks. Olivia: So he's an Alpha male with a grudge against the female prosecutor. Great. Love it. Huck, what'd you get? DRY CLEANERS Juror: I can't discuss it. That's final. When the guy is in jail, you can ask me anything you want. LAUNDROMAT Juror: No, man. He is a total date raper. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Jury's set to hang him high. Stephen: Day three of trial, and we've lost them already. Olivia: Abby, what do we have on Helen? Abby: I went to her work. NONPROFIT CHILDREN'S ORGANIZATION Woman: Thursdays at Tony's. Helen and I had a longstanding weekly drinks date. Abby: Oh, I know the drill. I used to be so hungover on Fridays during law school. Woman: It wasn't like that. Helen would have one, maybe two drinks. She never wanted to be hungover around the kids. Plus, working here, for a nonprofit? It's all she could afford. Excuse me. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: The bad? Helen's a Saint. Special ED advocate. Head of the American University Alumni Club for D.C. A saint. Which I might add, you have to be to win a he said, she said case without coming out looking like a regretful slut who was asking for it. Olivia: You're klling me. What's the good? Abby: The good is she's broke. I checked her credit reports. She's over 250 grand between student loans and credit cards, and financially, the girl's drowning. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Sandra: You want me to settle? Olivia, that's out of the question. Olivia: Helen is an airtight witness. We need to stop her from cooperating with the prosecution any further, and we've already lost the jury. Sandra: He is innocent. The evidence is paper-thin. Olivia: Photographs of bruises on a pretty girl prove to be very effective. In a case like this, perception is more important than evidence. The truth doesn't matter. He looks guilty. He is guilty. Sandra: We'll win on appeal. Olivia: That'll take two years, minimum. In the meantime, Travis will be in prison. We've got an opportunity here. The girl needs money. You have a lot of money. You only have one son. Settle. Sandra: Do whatever you have to do. COURTROOM Olivia: That's $8 million in three installments. Mr. Cole: In a way which makes it clear. The attorney representing Mr. Harding was totally unaware. Stephen: The gag order and confidentiality clause are standard. As Charles here's hopefully explained, It means you stop cooperating as a witness. Mr. Cole: I am not here. I was in the building on another case. I just- Stephen: Which will force the prosecution to drop the case. Olivia: They've offered to throw in an extra $500,000 to the special education charity of your choice if we leave here with an agreement. Lawyer: Ten. Mr. Cole: Ten? That is preposterous! You must-I'm sorry. Ignore me. I'm not here. Lawyer: Ten. Up front, one payment. Olivia: I can sell 9. No more. Lawyer: Done. Helen: No. Lawyer: Helen, we're not going to get a better offer. Helen: I said no. Olivia: You're angry, Helen. I understand that. But the quickest way to put this behind you is to settle this now or you're looking at years of appeals, years of unfinished anger- Helen: How much would you take, Ms. Pope? Olivia: I'm sorry? Helen: If you were me, how much would it take you to be able to forget? To forget you'd been strangled, had your clothes ripped off, had some guy pin you down while he forced his fist inside your mouth so hard, you could taste your own blood? How much would it take you to be able to forget all that? To be able to even think of having sex with somebody again? To wake up every morning and not want to kll yourself when you realize it wasn't just a dream, it actually happened? How much would it take you to forget all that? $10 million? 20? How much would you be worth? Hmm? How much? Olivia: Let's go. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Thank you for your service. Military: Thank you, Mr. President. Fitz: Thank you. Thank you for your service. Military: It's an honor, Mr. President. Fitz: Gentlemen, thank you all. Cyrus: Thank you. Fitz: Did you see that? Cyrus: Hmm? Fitz: They had prosthetic hands. That man saluted me with his left hand because his right hand was blown off by an I.E.D. while he was busy keeping us safe. This country. Its heart. Cyrus: I wish you were a cynic. Being President is easier for a cynic. Olivia wants a meeting. One sit-down with Amanda Tanner, and it all goes away. I think, I think it's worth it. We do it casually, discreet, somewhere off the grounds. You hear her out, and then it's done. We're free. This is a chance to put Amanda Tanner behind you. Fitz: Olivia will be there? Cyrus: Like I said, your life would be so much easier if you were a cynic. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Three days out, we let this go to jury and we're screwed. Stephen: Well, it's going to because she won't settle. Quinn: So we lost? I mean what happens when we lose? We're just done? Olivia: We're never done. If we lose this round, we prep him for appeal. If we lose that, we prep him for a second appeal, because whatever happens, there's always another move. Whatever happens, we do not give up. It is my name on that door, and I do not give up. Abby: It's not personal. Olivia: She really doesn't like the word "lose". HARDING HOUSE Travis: It feels kinda cheap. Harrison: It is. Juries have a natural bias against the exceedingly rich. Travis: Well, I have a natural bias against rayon. But hey, if it'll help me look as innocent as I am, I love it. Hey, man, be straight with me. What's the point of all this? I mean, if she won't settle, I'm going to prison, aren't I? Harrison: No more yellow ties. Blue. You can trust a man in blue. Travis: But maybe we didn't go high enough. Maybe we should try again. I mean, they always take the money in the end. OLIVIA'S APARTMENT Amanda: Okay, I can't talk. Not now. You have to stop calling me. Olivia: Who are you talking to? Amanda: That reporter from the "Sun". He keeps calling me. Olivia: Look, I'm not gonna take your phone away, but I cannot stress the importance that you only take calls from your parents and my staff. You cannot answer your phone, not even to tell someone to go away. Damn it. He knows something. He's chomping at the bit. He must have something. Quinn: He likes me. Olivia: What? Quinn: The reporter. Gideon. I think he likes me. Maybe I could talk to him, find out what he knows? Olivia: Harrison? Harrison: I want permission to look into Travis' finances. Olivia: What are you thinking? Harrison: He said something about settlements, how they always take the money. I think we should know if he's speaking from experience. Olivia: Be careful. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: In '08, he made 3 payments of $200,000 to a woman in Arlington. Abby: Her name's Rachel Kline. 23 year old waitress at Darcy's in Georgetown. Olivia: Let's track her down, find out what the money was for. Abby: Can't. She's dad. Stephen: Committed su1c1de three years ago. Pills. Harrison: 600 grand is one hell of a tip for your favorite waitress, huh? Huck: All the marks of a cover-up here. Quinn: Covering up what? Stephen: Liv, I know Sandra's your friend, but- Olivia: If he rped that girl and paid her off, it makes it a lot more likely he rped Helen, too. WHITE HOUSE – CYRUS BEENE'S OFFICE Fitz: Looks like we're gonna get 458 pass from the Senate. A nice victory for bipartisanship. What? Cyrus: I thought we were good, problem solved. But this just came in my mail my personal mail. Fitz: What is it? Cyrus: It's an audiotape. Do they call them audiotapes now, what, with CDS and all? I'm old. Fitz: Cyrus, you're rambling. You don't ramble, so now I'm nervous. Cyrus: Sir, you'll want to hear this. Fitz: Cy... Cyrus: From that first day when you asked me to run your campaign, I dreamed a lot of dreams, big dreams. I knew you were going to be President, but, I never dreamed I'd be listening to a tape of you moaning with a White House aide. That's what that is, right, you with your pants down, having sex with Amanda Tanner? Fitz: Cyrus, I... Cyrus: You don't talk. You don't talk anymore. Someone sent this to me. You get that? Amanda Tanner is blackmailing you, which means that Olivia Pope is blackmailing you. Fitz: This isn't Liv. Liv didn't do this. She wouldn't do this. Cyrus: Mr. President. Fitz: Liv wouldn't do this. Cyrus: I don't want to believe it either, but... Fitz: Liv is not behind this. She wanted a meeting. She wanted to put this to bed. Cyrus: You know what happens at that meeting? They ambush you. There were no demands that came with this. Just the tape. The demands come in the meeting when you're face-to-face, when they have you by the balls, when they're in control. We both know that's how Olivia Pope works. There isn't gonna be a happy ending. Liv isn't coming home. Fitz: Okay. Cyrus: She's not gonna forgive you. Fitz: Okay. Cyrus: She's going to take a Knfe and she's going to gut you, and she's going to walk away. Fitz: I said okay! Oh, my God. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WASHINGTON, D.C. STREET Abby: I just left Rachel's parents' house. Harrison: The mother tell you anything? Abby: She wouldn't talk, but she didn't have to. She's a fourth grade teacher, and there's an S-Class in the driveway. Looks like a 2007, maybe a 2008. Harrison: That's an $80,000 car that came out the year her daughter was paid off. It must have been Rachel's. Abby: Exactly. You want to know the best part? There's an American University sticker on it. Harrison: Helen went to American. Abby: Harrison, I'm gonna need you to get- Harrison: Already on it. LAB: Worker: You're not a cop. Harrison: Not even close. Worker: Usually, all we get down here are cops. Sometimes lawyers, but you're not a lawyer, either. Harrison: I'm definitely not a cop. Some days I'm a lawyer. But today I'm just a single man looking for evidence. An old rpe kit from a few years ago, if you even have it. The name Rachel Kline. Worker: You flirting with me? 'Cause I test rpe kits all day, hundreds of 'em, backlogged so bad, it'll be ten years before some of them even get opened. You know what's in a rpe kit, guy who's sometimes a lawyer, but not a cop? Swabs from her lips, her cheeks, her thighs, her hair, her cervix, the panties she was wearing when he pulled 'em down, the little bits of him they combed off her body, and the comb they used to do it. So if can give you something that's gonna get some justice for one these women whose pain and shame is in these bags, just ask me. I'll do it. But if you want anything else, you've come to the wrong place. Harrison: The rpe kit will be fine. Thank you, ma'am. Worker: Mm-hmm. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Hey, Gideon. Hi. It's, uh, Quinn Perkins from Olivia Pope and Associates. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink with me tonight if you're not busy. If you are, it's completely and totally fine. We could do it another time tomorrow, or next week, or never at all, ever. Okay. Sure. Bye. Quinn: What? Huck: You're weird. Quinn: I'm not weird. Huck: Weird is good. Quinn: Thank you! OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WHITE HOUSE Stephen: Amanda settling in okay? Olivia: I'm sorry we didn't vote. Stephen: We never vote. Not really. Olivia: Trust me. We're on the right side of this. Stephen: Whose side, Liv, the white house's, Amanda's? You have a conflict of interest so big in this thing, I don't even think there's a word for it. Olivia: Mellie. Mellie: I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time. Olivia: No, not at all. What can I do for you? Mellie: Well, you know we have that state dinner tonight, and I checked, and I couldn't believe it, but it looks you didn't receive an invitation. Which was an oversight, I swear. Olivia: I'm flattered, truly, but... Mellie: Eight o'clock! See you then! Harrison: You're gonna want to see this. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: She met Travis in a bar in Adams Morgan. Stephen: She was just out of American, working at a lobbying firm. After a night of heavy drinking, Rachel went home with Travis, and he rped her. Harrison: She filed a police report, rpe kit and all. Two days later, he made payments three payments to her account. Bought her an S-Class to sweeten the deal. Huck: She recanted her story to the police, thought she could just move on, but she couldn't function. Had to move back in with her parents. Abby: And then one night about a year later, she swallowed enough Seconal to end her life. She was found by a friend. Her best friend. She changed her hair from brunette to blonde, but it's still- Olivia: Helen Fisher. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: You were right about Helen. She was after Travis, but not for the money. She was after Travis because four years ago, he rped her best friend. Her name was Rachel Kline, and you destroyed her life, Travis. But you're not guilty of raping Helen, and Rachel can never testify against you, so you'll go free. Sandra: Is this true? Travis: M-mom Sandra: Answer me, honey. Travis: I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to disappoint you any more than I. I'm sorry. I screwed up, and I tried to fix it. I tried. You told me, you, you always said, I should fix my mistakes, so I took care of it. I handled it. COURTROOM Mr. Cole: You went to Tony's on Thursdays because the defendant went there on Thursdays. Isn't that right? Helen: No! It- Mr. Cole: You went every Thursday for six months. Isn't that correct? Helen: Yes, but you're Mr. Cole: You stalked him, didn't you? Lawyer: Objection. Argumentative. Judge: Sustained. Mr. Cole: You approached him as a brunette, and then, when he didn't respond, you changed your hair color so he would notice you. Helen: No, he hurt me! He pinned me down. He- Judge: Ms. Fisher, stick to the questions. Mr. Cole: You were obsessed. You change your hair color, you follow Travis around. So you could seduce him. You went home with him, you had consensual sex with him, and then you set him up. Set all of us up. COURTHOUSE Sandra: He's gonna get off isn't he? They're destroying that girl in there. Travis is gonna be just fine. I signed him up for everything when he was a kid. Hockey, soccer, lacrosse. I figured, if I couldn't be around, at least he'd stay busy, maybe he wouldn't notice. He was great at everything, made every all-star team. In ten years, I never made it to a single game. Olivia: It's not your fault. Travis: He hurt someone, Liv. He held her down and he-My son did that. He's a...What should I do? Tell me. Olivia: There's nothing you can do. Who he is, what he is, it's not your fault. WASHINGTON, D.C. BAR Bartender: Here you go. Huck: Hey. Quinn: What, what are you doing here? Huck: Setting you up. Quinn: Setting me up? Huck: Virgin margaritas for the lady all night, and whatever her date orders gets a 3-finger pour of booze in it. Put your hair down and take that jacket off. Flirt just enough, but not too much, and do not let him see you home. Quinn: I can handle myself, you know? Huck: Oh, I heard you on the phone. You need to be set up. WHITE HOUSE - STATE DINNER Fitz: Lovely to see you. Here's the prime minister. Hello. It's wonderful to see you again. Hi. Fitz: What's Olivia doing here? Mellie: I invited her. Fitz: How are you, Bill? Good to see you. You two know each other. Mellie: Liv. You look lovely. Olivia: Oh. Mellie: Oh. Mm. Doesn't she look lovely? Fitz: Of course, yeah. I'm so happy you could come. Olivia: I wouldn't miss it, Mr. President. Olivia: Prime minister, delightful to see you. How is the new baby? Fitz: Good to see you. Thank you so much for coming. Olivia: Oh, hi. Oh. Great to see you. Olivia: You're better than I expected. Billy: Oh, they had ballroom dancing at Andover. It was the only way I could get near a girl back then, so I took it twice. Olivia: Glad to see it's working out for you. What? Billy: I'm trying to figure out how I can sexually harass you and get away with it. Olivia: Billy. Billy: What? You don't work here anymore. You could date me. I'm a catch. Or Is there another guy? Mellie: I'd like a turn with the best dancer in the west wing. No offense, Fitz. Fitz: None taken. Mellie: You mind? Olivia: No. Cyrus: Keep 'em coming. Waiter: Yes, sir. Olivia: Don't look at me. Fitz: How come? Olivia: Because everyone will know. Fitz: I can't not look at you. Olivia: The song will be over in a minute. Fitz: This is ridiculous. Everything is ridiculous. How did it all get so ...? Damn it, just look at me. Look at me. Meet me in our spot in ten minutes. Olivia: No. Fitz: I am not spending any more time away from you. Olivia: Stop it. We're in public. Look away. Fitz: Look I know I don't have the right. I know. I know you don't trust me. I-I love you. Olivia: Your wife is 10 feet away. Fitz: I love you. Olivia: What about Amanda? Fitz: I. Love. You. Our spot, ten minutes. Olivia: You can't leave your own state dinner. Fitz: Watch me. WASHINGTON, D.C. BAR Gideon: Generous bartender. Quinn: I know. I'm so buzzed. Gideon: So should we get to it? Quinn: I'm sorry? Gideon: I know why you called. Quinn: You do. Gideon: To find out what I know, dig around, find my weak spots. Let me save you some time. I have tried every drug but the needle drugs, but I'm only addicted to "SportsCenter" and my BlackBerry, I talked my way out of a D.U.I. in Lubbock, but the arrest record is still on file. Texas! And in eighth grade, I stuffed the ballot box in an attempt to rig the student council election, but I did it to get closer to Jenny Marconi, not for the power. Still lost. Quinn: Okay. Gideon: I'm not giving up this story. It's my ticket off of Metro and on to national, and don't tell me it's not a story, 'cause that would insult what little intelligence I have, and I wouldn't believe you anyway, 'cause your boss is involved, and you're a terrible liar who's not the least bit buzzed, and I know that because you've had as much as I've had, and while I am genuinely buzzed, you are coiled like a cobra 'cause you're so freakin' tense. Now that you know everything, let's forget about work for a couple of hours, get you a real drink... Quinn: Why did you break the deal with Olivia? What are you talking about? You called Amanda. I was there when she got the call. Gideon: Don't get me wrong, I'm digging. I called Amanda's college roommate, I called her friends at the White House, but I absolutely, positively did not call Amanda. I'm keeping my promise. I want that quote. WHITE HOUSE - STATE DINNER Olivia: Oh, Cyrus. Hello. Cyrus: I don't know what you think you're playing at, Liv, but I don't take kindly to blackmail. Olivia: Uh, I'm sorry. What? Cyrus: I never took you for the "hell hath no fury" type. It's a little trashy, but so is having an affair with a married man. Olivia; You want to be careful, Cyrus, with how you speak to me, because I might forget that we are friends. Now if you'll excuse me. Cyrus: What happened, you danced, he said he loved you? What, are you gonna go meet him right now? He's good. He has you in the palm of his hand. You're being played. You're being played by the best politician in the world. The upside? The tell-all book that you can write when you're old "the President's whore" it's all very dirty and best seller. These very nice agents are gonna escort you off the White House grounds. And you can tell Amanda Tanner that the meeting with the President is off. HARDING HOUSE Olivia: I was wrong before. Sandra: Livvie, it's late. Olivia: I was wrong before about it not being your fault. It is your fault. Sandra: What? Olivia: You love him. You do. But you can't fix everything for him. You can't. He's playing you because you let him. You give him everything he asks for and you clean up his messes and you believe him even when he lies to you, and that is, that is not love. Love is making him face who he is. The best thing you can do for him is to do the best thing for him. It's not your fault, what he did, but letting him get away with it, that is your fault. WHITE HOUSE - ROSE GARDEN Cyrus: Mr. President. Fitz: Cyrus. This is not a good time. Cyrus: Olivia's not coming. Fitz: What? She canceled the meeting with Amanda Tanner. She was playing you, twisting the Knfe. I'm sorry, sir. Fitz: I need to get back to the prime minister. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Travis: You want me to turn myself in? That's a little drastic. Right? Mom? Sandra: You rped that girl, Travis. She klled herself. Travis: But that wasn't my fault. It wasn't. Sandra: Travis, please. This is hard enough. Travis: So I made a couple of payments? They can't put me away for that. Olivia: There's a rpe kit. It's got your D.N.A. all over it. Travis: She never pressed charges. They don't even have my name. It happened once. It'll never happen again. I promise. Olivia: Travis- Travis: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my mother. I'll go away. How's that sound? I'll go to Europe for a couple of years. And then I'll come back and run the company. That was always the plan anyway. That's a good compromise, right? Sandra: That's what I thought you'd say. Travis: Well, good. That takes care of the problem. Sandra: I've already taken care of it, honey. Travis: You didn't. Mom? Mom, don't do this, mom! Mom! Don't do this. Mom, listen to me. Please! This is crazy. David: Jane Powell, my friend? Got transferred to misdemeanors. Olivia: Oh? David: Something about incompetence, didn't research the defendant well. Olivia: How sad for you. David: Okay, maybe. Olivia: Maybe what? David: Maybe we can be friends. Maybe. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Mellie: You okay? Fitz: Why did you invite her to the State Dinner? Mellie: Olivia? Fitz: Why would you do that? Mellie: Because you needed to see her. I trust that tonight, you'll sleep like a baby. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Gideon: Wait. Where's Amanda? Olivia: Change of plan. You're not getting a quote from Amanda. Gideon: Screwed by Olivia Pope. Why am I not surprised? Olivia: You're getting something better. Something that will actually help your career. An interview with Sandra Harding. Have you heard of her? Gideon: H.D.X., right? Her company's worth $300 million. Olivia: About an hour ago, she turned her son into the U.S. attorney for rpe. Tomorrow she's going to resign. She's agreed to tell you and only you her side of the story. Not only will your byline be on the front page of your paper, but this story, your exclusive story, will be chased by every major newspaper in the country. And they'll get nothing. I know it's not cherry blossoms, but... Gideon: Thank you. Thank you. Olivia: Gideon, that was a meeting. Quinn: You know, I've been meaning to tell you, it's probably nothing, but Gideon said this thing at drinks about how he never called Amanda, not once, and my gut says to believe him. My gut says he's not lying. Olivia: Reporters lie, Quinn. Quinn: My gut says she's lying. I don't think Amanda's telling you everything. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: He's mad at me. I get that. But if I could just have five minutes alone with him, I know that I could explain. Olivia: I know how hard this is. Amanda: I'm sure you do. Olivia: You're afraid that it was nothing, that he's forgotten it already, tossed you like yesterday's paper, and moved on without another thought, and if he's forgotten, then it's almost as if it never happened, that what you had with him wasn't real, and that makes you feel completely and utterly alone. But I haven't forgotten. I know what happened. I know it was real. And whatever you decide to do here, however you want to play this thing out, I will stand beside you every step of the way. If you ask me to, I will make him remember and you will never, ever be alone in this again, but I'm gonna need everything. Every truth, every detail. If I'm gonna stand with you, Amanda, I need to hear all of it. Amanda: I'm pregnant.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x03 - Hell Hath No Fury"}	foreverdreaming
OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Stephen: You know what's interesting about being engaged? Fiancées don't like it when you get out of bed at 3:00 A.M. to go see another woman. But, you called, I came, and I brought our best friend Shiraz. Liv? Hey, Liv. Hey. Hey. I got it. Olivia: Amanda's asleep in the guest room. I don't want to wake her. Stephen: Whatever it is, we will fix it. Olivia: You should have seen me forcing water down her throat to make her pee. It was like something out of Abu Ghraib. Stephen: Uh, let me get this clear. Amanda Tanner is- Olivia: Pregnant with the President's baby, yes. Stephen: Right. Are you sure it's his? Olivia: I'm sure. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: I'm sure. Stephen: How bad is this for you? I know you're friends with the President, with his wife. There's no shame in saying you can't handle this. Olivia: What? Quinn: You'd better come down to the office. There's an army here. Olivia: An army of what? Reporters? Lawyers? Quinn: An actual army. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: We gotta go in. I need to put on some decent clothes, and we'll take your car because I think I've had too much wine to drive. I'll be ready in two minutes. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: No, I'm fine. Really. I'm good now. I can handle anything. Two minutes. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I didn't know. They barged in. They wouldn't even say who they were. Abby: You were alone. You did the right thing. Quinn: I should've stopped them. I just surrendered, without a fight. I surrendered the whole office. Olivia: Who's speaking at the O.A.S.? Who's in town? Quinn: O.A.S.? Harrison: Organization of American States. Annual conference this week. Abby: Bolivia, Brazil, Haiti, Honduras Stephen: You think it's the Cubans? They've been wooing us for months. Huck: Would you like me to get a gn? Quinn: You have a gn? Abby: I have one, too. Olivia: No gn. Harrison: You gave them coffee? Quinn: So they wouldn't kll me. Olivia: (In Spanish) Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you so much for dropping in, but I'm going to need to get into my office now. Olivia: Of course. El general. Quinn: Who is it? Huck: General Benicio Florez. Abby: Otherwise known as ruthless, repressive, political freedom-hating, police brutality-loving, South American leftist dictator. Olivia: And sworn enemy of the United States. Benicio: My wife and my two youngest children were kidnapped. Taken from a restaurant this afternoon in Dupont Circle. My oldest son Felipe saw them being pulled away in a van. Stephen: Is the FBI on it? Benicio: The FBI probably did this. Look, the only reason I'm even in this country is because of this O.A.S. conference. Half of my security detail was sent away at the airport. Does that give you an idea of what kind of cooperation I'm gonna get from this government? Huck: They've been trying to overthrow him for years. Benicio: I know that in the eyes of your president, I'm somewhere between Castro and Gadhafi. But before I am a so-called dictator, before I am a general, I am a husband. I am a father. And I need to have my family safe. I will do anything to see them again. You are my best and my only chance. Abby: Tell me we're not going to take on a dictator as a client. Harrison: They're just talking. Abby: You don't talk for that long if you're not gonna take somebody on. Huck: Well, you do if the elevator hasn't come. Stephen: Exactly. She's just being polite. It doesn't mean she's gonna represent him. Abby: That does. Welcome to Olivia Pope and Associates, El general. Your delightful death squads are now our delightful death squads. Stephen: The man does not have death squads. Abby: Come on. We used to vote on this stuff! And now apparently, we don't even get to speak. Olivia: Stephen, Abby, first thing in the morning, talk to the older son. Huck, Harrison, see if you can dig up any eyewitnesses at the restaurant. Abby: So we're taking the case? What? Your good friend the general we're taking him on as a client even though we didn't vote, even though the rest of us didn't have a say? Stephen: We need to cut Olivia some serious slack right now. Amanda Tanner is pregnant. CYRUS BEENE'S HOUSE Olivia: Hello, James. Good to see you. James: It's Sunday. It's Sunday. Olivia: I don't get a hug anymore? James: Not on Sunday. Olivia: I'll be quick. James: I am trying to keep him from dropping dad of a heart attck, a heart attck brought on by people like you. Olivia: I just need five minutes. James: Coming by here and thinking he's gonna work on a Sunday. No. He doesn't work on Sunday unless there's a wr. Is there a wr? Olivia: Somewhere in the world, there's always a wr. James: When my husband's dad, I'm blaming you. CYRUS BEENE'S HOUSE Cyrus: I'm surprised James let you in on a Sunday. Olivia: Things are bad. He's in trouble, Cyrus. This is real. Amanda Tanner is pregnant. I need to know if he maybe took precautions with Amanda. Cyrus: You want to know if the president wore condoms when he slept around? I don't know. I think that's your area. Did he wear one with you? How much? Olivia: I could probably sell $10 million. Cyrus: Over five years. Olivia: Over three. Cyrus: I'll see what I can do. Olivia: You and I aren't friends anymore. Don't come here again. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: You told Cyrus Beene that I was pregnant, and he still won't let me see the President? Olivia: Amanda, I need you to focus. They're talking about $10 million. That could buy you a lot. That could buy you a life. Amanda: I just think if you could get them to reconsider, if I, if I have a chance to sit with the president for five minutes I don't understand why this is happening, why they won't let me see him. I need a moment, just a moment to talk to him. If I had a moment, if we were alone Olivia: Amanda- Amanda: Just five minutes alone! How hard is that? I could just they put me in a chair outside of his office, and I wait. I wait until he has a break, some kind of break in his schedule. Olivia: Amanda, that isn't going to happen! Don't you understand that? He is the most powerful man on the planet, and you are a thrat to that power. You are a thrat to his government. You are never ever gonna be in the same room with the President, much less alone with him ever again. So if you don't want money, you need to decide what you do want. And I am not asking for your fairy-tale hopes and your princess dreams. The fairy tale is over, Amanda. You have a child to consider. So I need to know what you want that is real. So what do you want? Do you want to keep this baby? Do you want to have an abortion? Do you want to give it up for adoption? What do you want? Amanda: I want to keep this baby. Olivia: Okay. Amanda: And I want to tell the world what he did. He told me he loved me. He told me to trust him, that he'd take care of me, and now he won't even take five minutes to...they think I'm just gonna go away, just like that? I trusted him. I-He should burn for this. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: You're asking me what I want. I want them all to burn for this. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Olivia, you look great. Uh, new lipstick? It's working. So you know the old guy who runs the newsstand on the corner of "C" Street and Constitution? I buy my paper and coffee there every day for 11 years. This place is my ritual, my personal landmark, and these vulture developers want to knock it down, and I want you to save it by horse trading or thrat or getting it put on the National Register of Historic Newsstands or whatever it is you people do. Olivia. Abby: Is she? Huck: I got this. Huck: What do you need? Olivia: Just one minute. WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: It's a good speech. Fitz: It's the same speech every President has given at the O.A.S. for the past 40 years. I'm pretty sure things have changed since the Cuban Revolution, and I'm giving the same speech. Cyrus: It's a great speech. Fitz: I bet Eisenhower thought so when he wrote it, but I'd like to say something a little more original. Cyrus: We employ the best speechwriters in the western world. Fitz: Are there better ones in the eastern world? Cyrus: Nobody likes a smart-ass, Mr. President. Mary: Mr. Beene. They're ready for you, sir. Cyrus: I'll put J.P. and Sally on writing you a new speech, okay? Now if you'll excuse me. Fitz: Anything new on the Olivia front? Cyrus: Nothing I can't handle, Mr. President. Cyrus: Billy. I don't have a lot of time. Billy: Well, let's get right to it then. Cyrus, meet Sanders Black. Sanders, Cyrus Beene. Sanders: The President's Chief of Staff needs no introduction. Cyrus: I know that you've signed confidentiality agreements and been briefed on the sensitive nature of this meeting, but I'm going to take a moment to remind you that I will personally make sure you never ever work again within the borders of this fine nation if you breathe a word or the edge of a word outside this room. Now I'm a busy man. Let's go. Sanders: Good. Got it. Okay then. When I'm investigating someone, I leave no stone unturned. I want to know where they come from. I want to know what they've done. Where do they go? Who did they see? Have they made mistakes? Do they have debts? Enemies? Do they drink, smoke, snort, sh*t? If any one of them has so much as even a parking ticket, I will find out about it. This group here, hiding a lot more than just parking tickets. Let's start with Olivia Pope. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Carolina Florez Cuban-born, Boston-raised. She was a waitress at a Harvard bar when she met a cute undergrad named Benicio, or as I like to call him, the butcher of San Miguel. Stephen: Abby. Abby: They fell in love, got married. He brought her back with him to his home country. They have three kids, lived happily ever after in their little dictatorship, until last night, when according to their oldest son Felipe. Felipe: They were in the bathroom a long time. I went to check and then saw them out the back. The men they pushed them in a van. And I ran inside for help. Stephen: Restaurant bathroom window was smashed. Glass everywhere. Signs of a struggle. Abby: But then we went out back. OUTSIDE RESTAURANT Abby: Unless they had the world's smallest van... Stephen: There's no way out of there. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: At least not how the kid says he saw it. What about other witnesses? RESTAURANT Waitress: I didn't hear anything. All I know is they were gone, and the older kid was still here, freaked out. Harrison: Anything strange happen at the table? Waitress: Mm just a normal lunch. She had a lot of iced tea. The little boy cute, maybe 7? He played with one of those electronic game thingies. Huck: What kind? What model? What year? Harrison: Focus, fanboy. Waitress: I don't know. It was white? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: So yeah, basically we have nothing. Olivia: This doesn't add up. We need to keep digging. Look for a motive. Political opposition, maybe or- Huck: I got a signal. Harrison: What? Huck: The kid's Gen 9 S.D. is Wi-Fi-enabled. Fanboy here tracked the I.P. address to the dynamic host configuration protocol assigned to the ARM9 processor and was then able to ping the server's geo-location vector. Olivia: English, Huck. Huck: I found the toy, which means I found them. Olivia: Go now. Get her. Call David. See if he can get D.C. Metro to send backup. Don't go in alone. CHURCH David: Good thing you called. Wouldn't want you to have to deal with all this on your own. I'll take the two nuns on the left. You guys get the one with the baby. Abby: You think Huck got it wrong? Stephen: Huck never gets it wrong. Abby: Then she wasn't kidnapped. Stephen: She ran. WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: What about this Huck character? Is this really all there is? Sanders: Well, Huck is obviously not his real name. CIA denies knowing him, but they also sent three agents over to my office to encourage me to stop checking into his background. So clearly he's one of theirs. Other than that, he is a mystery. Billy: Do you have a guess? Sanders: My guess is that if you meet this guy in a dark alley, you're done. Billy: Oh. CHURCH Carolina: I knew it. I knew he would send someone. I was so stupid. I wasn't thinking. I took Paola and Manuel to the bathroom, and I saw the back door, and I just started thinking, this is it. My security men are at the bar. This is my chance. So I took it. Stephen: Did he hurt you? Carolina: No. Abby: Then why run? Carolina: I don't love him anymore. 15 years ago I married a good man, a kind man. A man who looked at his country and dreamed of ways to make it better. But now Benicio thinks everyone's out to get him. You disagree with him, you disappear. You don't tell a man like that you're unhappy. You don't ask a man like that for a divorce. You don't leave a man like that. WHITE HOUSE Sanders: Abigail Whelan married for four years to Charles Putney, the youngest son of former Virginia governor James Putney. She left him when he allegedly bat her in a drunken rage. Divorce proceedings are full of ugly details. It's all in your files. CHURCH Abby: Your oldest son he said you were kidnapped. Carolina: When I was in the bathroom wondering if I could do it, he came to look for me. And when he saw me, he knew. Abby: He wouldn't come with you. Carolina: He loves his father, and I couldn't ask him to choose. I don't know, it just all happened so quickly. I guess you have to take me back to my husband. Abby: No. We don't. RESTAURANT Quinn: This is not a date. Gideon: On the rocks, with salt. Quinn: I cannot date you. I work for Olivia Pope. WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: And the new girl? Sanders: Quinn Perkins started less than four weeks ago. Left a cushy associates gig at O'Malley and Lee. Billy: Why is there nothing in her file? Sanders: That's a good question. Uh, we're still working on it. Cyrus: What's the problem? Sanders: Well, as far as we know, Quinn Perkins didn't exist until 2008. RESTAURANT Gideon: Quinn, I won't ask you about Amanda Tanner. I won't use you for my story. I don't need to. I like you. Okay? So relax. Drink your margarita. Quinn: Wait. Why? Gideon: Why what? Why don't you need to use me for a story about Amanda Tanner? Gideon: Because I have another source. WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: Harrison Wright. Sanders: Harrison Wright. Grew up right here in D.C. He somehow managed to go from selling luxury cars in Takoma Park to working for Adnan Salif. Made a mountain of money and managed to only get six months when Salif went down for insider trading. Cyrus: How'd he pull it off? Sanders: Great lawyer. Olivia Pope defended him pro bono. HOTEL Abby: Hi. My sister and her kids need a room for the night. Do you have something with two double beds? Worker: Yes, we do. Stephen: This is insane. We need to tell Olivia we have her. Abby: We will tell her. We just won't tell her until tomorrow or the next day at the latest as soon as we get her asylum. She's fried, Stephen. She's not wearing a white hat anymore. Stephen: I'm not lying. Abby: Olivia? Hey, it's me. Stephen's putting gas in the car. Yeah, she was at a shelter. Pretty clear she wasn't kidnapped. We tried to talk to her, but they've closed their doors for the night. Nobody can come or go. We'll pick her up tomorrow. Yeah. Good night. Abby: There. Done and done. WHITE HOUSE Sanders: Stephen Finch Scottish-born. Became a U.S. citizen in 1995, shortly after graduating first in his class from Yale law. Was the top litigator at Chase & Howard. A real hotshot, but suffered a nervous breakdown in the middle of defending the class action suit against Bromquest. Billy: The chemical manufacturer that poisoned all those kids in West Virginia? Sanders: Exactly. Spent two months recovering in a facility in Florida before quitting the firm. LAFAYETTE PARK Billy: Olivia Pope, what did you do? Olivia: What are you talking about, Billy? Billy: Cyrus has called in Sanders Black on you. Olivia: Sanders Black is a short, short man. Billy: So was Napoleon, but he still did a lot of damage. Olivia: Why are you telling me this, Billy? Billy: If you can just tell me what's going on, I might be able to help you. I don't want to feel like I'm betraying my own, but sooner or later, I have to fall in line. Olivia: Olivia Pope for Cyrus Beene. Olivia: You want to play hardball? Forget the money. We booked "20/20" instead. We're sitting down with Diane Sawyer. Olivia: You take care, Billy. WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: These people Liv fixed 'em. That makes them loyal. They'll die for her. I need more, something I can work with. Do better. Billy: They did find one thing. Olivia Pope had an affair with someone on the campaign. Yeah, we don't have a name yet. We will. Give me a day or two. Cyrus: That's not useful to us. Billy: Uh, excuse me. It's a potential gold mine, because other than that, Olivia Pope is purer than Mother Teresa. Cyrus: Gentlemen, I have a country to run. I'm not gonna stand around and debate with you. It's not useful to us. Move on. Billy: Move on. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Shut it down. Quinn: I'm sorry? Harrison: I saw you on your date last night. Quinn: I don't know what you're talking about. Harrison: You're lying, which isn't the problem. The problem is you suck at it. Every time you do it, you look like you're about to cry. You look like you're about to cry right now. Quinn: I'm not going to. Harrison: Now you can keep seeing this guy, but there's gonna come a time when you're gonna have to lie to him to protect a client, and we don't lie to reporters, because once you do, there's no going back. You've klled the one thing you protect at all costs, your credibility and not just your credibility, my credibility, this firm's credibility. And that's not gonna happen. So save yourself the trouble and shut it down. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Cyrus! I know J.P. and Sally are probably crying in the hall, but I'm writing my own speech now. It's good. It's great. I'll show it to you when I'm done. Cyrus: Amanda Tanner is pregnant. Fitz: What? Cyrus: The good news is Amanda doesn't want your money. She wants publicity. Also good you don't have to worry about that sex tape, because who needs a sex tape when you've got a fetus full of presidential D.N.A.? It's a win-win. Fitz: That's not my baby. Cyrus: You just keep practicing that line. You're gonna be saying it a lot. Fitz: Okay, what do we do? Next step? How do we? How do we fix this? Cyrus: I don't know. Fitz: Cyrus, I know you're upset, but we have to game plan this. Cyrus: What's next? What's next? Okay, here's what happens next you resign from office now. Or Amanda goes on TV, tells her sad, sordid tale, there are hearings, you're impeached, and you're forced to resign from office. Your Vice President a moronic, right-wing nut job who thinks the Tea Party was founded to lower the yacht tax and who also seems to not quite understand that evolution isn't an idea but an actual fact, but who cares? We won the scary states in the election. They'll have a party now that their grand wizard is President. I'm pretty sure I'll never see a legal marriage and women will lose their right to choose, but hey, whatever. We're all Republicans, even if the new President will give Republicans a bad name. You'll leave in disgrace, go home to California, keep a low profile for a while, and then some fancy publishing house will pay you a fortune for a book, which you'll write, only it won't talk about what everyone really wants to know about it won't talk about your sordid affair with a White House aide. It'll talk about policy and your thoughts on the economy, and it won't sell because no one cares about your thoughts on policy and the economy anymore because you're not the president anymore. What you are now is a joke on "Letterman." Mellie, a lovely woman, ambitious and strong, and, well, quite wealthy in her own right she's not gonna be circa 1998 Hillary on this. No, sirree. This is the 21st century. She's gonna leave you and she's gonna take your children with her, and everyone will applaud her, from the religious right to the women's groups, because you're a philandering pig who had a child out of wedlock, and we all know it's true because we heard the tape. You'll be alone in your house in Santa Barbara, listening to old records and telling the same story over and over again to the poor sap not smart enough to get out of being assigned to your secret service detail. Then one day, about, oh, three or four years from now, you'll step into your bathroom, take out that revolver your father gave you when you were elected governor, you'll put it in your mouth and you'll blow the back of your skull off. Oprah's retired now, so I guess I have to do a post-funeral interview with Barbara Walters. She's nice. But, you know you just go back to writing your own speech. That's important. That matters. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: We'll be filing a petition to determine the paternity of your child in D.C. superior court, after which there will be a hearing and a D.N.A. test. The petition is public, which is going to set things in motion. Olivia: That same day you'll be taping an interview with Diane Sawyer for "20/20." Amanda: Diane Sawyer? Olivia: Don't worry. We'll be doing mock interviews to prepare you for the kinds of questions you will be asked. We don't want any surprises. Stephen: And if you're properly prepared, you've got nothing to be afraid of. Olivia: You need to call your parents and all your friends. Warn them about what's going to happen. Your parents will want to check into a hotel when the interview airs because their street will be chock-full of reporters, and they won't be well-behaved. I know this seems scary, I know it's overwhelming, but we are talking about the President of the United States. You want to burn down his house, you're gonna have to burn down your own as well. Huck: Livvie. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Clearly, you were busy before. It was obviously not the right time to ask for a favor, but I do have a favor to ask, and keep in mind, you owe me big-time sort of how I owe six cops from E.R.T. double overtime for showing up at a church, ready to blow holes in 30 nuns. And one way in which I'd like to cash in on what's becoming a truly massive favor deficit between us is for you to help out an old friend of mine. Olivia: David? David: Yes? Olivia: I did not answer you when you asked me about this earlier. That was rude. This time, I will be more clear I have far, far more important things to worry about right now than the fate of the crappy newsstand you buy your morning coffee at, and I do not have time for this or for you. Bill me for the police overtime. HOTEL Abby: Hi. Excuse me. I checked someone in yesterday my sister and her two young children, room 402? Worker: Okay, uh, let's see. Room 402 is vacant. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: You in trouble. Olivia: We will. We will. Oh, Abby, good. I was just telling the general that it was you and Stephen that found Señora Florez. Benicio: I cannot thank you enough. There were moments when I thought I would never see them again. Thank you. Abby: You're welcome. Olivia: We think the kidnappers may have been allied with the general's political enemies possibly the exile community. Anyway, thank goodness whoever it was lost their nerve, dropped Carolina and the children off at that shelter, and now here they are, safe and sound. Abby: Safe and sound. Olivia: You had no right to do what you did. Abby: No right? No right?! Olivia: That woman was not our client. Abby: She had one sht, and you took it away. Olivia: She chose to marry that man. She chose to have children with him! Abby: Oh, and that makes it your call to decide whether or not- Olivia: And now, 20 years later, she wakes up and realizes she's sleeping next to a monster and she wants out? Abby: Are you kidding me? That's what you did for me. Olivia: She fell in love with the wrong man. Abby: No, you made the wrong call. When I wanted to leave Charles- Olivia: She put herself in an impossible position. Abby: When I wanted to leave Charles... Olivia: I did what I had to do for my client. I made a tough call. You don't like it, Abby? Too bad! It is my name on that door, not yours! Abby: When I wanted to leave Charles! Don't talk to me about tough calls and names on the door. That woman needs us. And I don't know what's going on with you or what's happened to you, but I know that you have your stuff that you don't talk about. I know that. But something's going on with you, and I'm sorry about that. I am, but that doesn't mean that you get to stop being Olivia Pope. When Charles fractured three of my ribs and broke my jaw and threw me out into the snow in my nightgown, Olivia Pope took a tire iron and broke his kneecap and then Olivia got me the best divorce attorney in the state and got me out of that marriage. That's what Olivia does. That's who you are. You are the gladiator. I would gladly follow you over a cliff. But you gotta show up. You gotta be a warrior. You don't get to pick and choose when the real Olivia Pope walks through that door. You made the wrong call. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Saltines, ginger ale, every trashy magazine on the rack Let me know if you need anything else. I gotta get back to the office. Amanda: Dirt floors and mud walls. Quinn: I'm sorry? Amanda: My senior year of college, I saw this picture in a magazine. This little school in India or Nepal, maybe dirt floors and mud walls and sad little wood benches instead of desks. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen, but what was even sadder there were no girls in the picture, just boys, because girls weren't allowed to go to school. That's why I came to Washington, not to get knocked up. Just so you don't think I'm some dumb bimbo slut who. There are places in the world where girls don't get educated, simply because they are girls. Quinn: You can still do it. Whatever you came here to do. This doesn't have to be your story. O.A.S. CONFERENCE - BACKSTAGE Benicio: We have withstood lies spread by powerful media outlets and the permanent thrat of this capitalist empire. We have withstood the very naked disrespect for the sovereignty of our nation. Olivia: If you still want asylum, we can get it for you. I have a car downstairs waiting, ready to take you and your family to homeland security, but if you want to go, we have to leave right now, this minute. Do you still want asylum? Carolina: My husband's security men are down the hall. They won't let me leave the building. Huck: We've got it covered. HALLWAY Harrison: If she wants to go, you can't stop her. Now we can talk I.N.A. Code 101 section A-42. You guys familiar with that? Okay, let me break it down for you asylum given for foreign-born spouses subject to persecution. Or wellfounded fear of persecution on account of race, religion, nationality, membership in a particular social group, or as pertains to our case here political opinion. So you can object, petition, protest, make yourself a nuisance all you want, but in case you haven't noticed, she's on American soil, otherwise known as you have no jurisdiction here. O.A.S. CONFERENCE - BACKSTAGE Abby: Liv, we need to move now. Olivia: Okay, Huck, baby. Carolina: Thank you. Manuel, wake up. Manuel, we have to go. Come on. Olivia: Huck! Huck: I dropped the pacifier. Carolina: Take your toy. Thank you. Come on. Felipe. Cariño. Olivia: General Florez. What a wonderful speech. I was just coming by to congratulate you. Carolina: No. Benicio, she was helping me to leave you. There was no kidnapping. There were no men. There was no van. I left on my own. I left you because I wanted to leave you. I left you because I don't love you anymore. Benicio: Fine. Then leave. But you're not taking the children. They're coming home with me. Carolina: Benicio... Benicio: No, Carolina, mira. (In Spanish) You're not going to condemn my children. To live in this country without me doing anything about it. This game is over. Now give me my daughter. Benicio: Come here. Come here. Carolina: No. No. No. No. No! No! PRESIDENTIAL LIMO Mellie: The kids and I were thinking we could all go to Santa Barbara for the long weekend. They really want to see their friends, and we haven't been home since the inauguration. What's that, 14, 15 months? Fitz? Fitz: Would it be so bad if all this ended? Mellie: What? Fitz: I wanted to help people. That was the point. I got in this job to help people, not for the job. I could find better ways to affect change. Mellie: What's going on? What happened? Fitz: Would it be so bad? If this ended? Mellie: Yes, it would be so bad if this ended. It would be catastrophic. Now pull yourself together, damn it. You've got a speech to give. We'll go to Santa Barbara later in the year, or maybe for Christmas. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: It's me. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't lie anymore. I'm out. I'm gonna tell them the truth. GENERAL ASSEMBLY Fitz: Today, I say to say to all citizens of the Americas, democracy is your destiny. I call upon my fellow leaders to stand together and to speak with one voice, loud, clear, and strong so General Florez, President Chavez, and President Castro all those who would seek to squash individual rights and freedoms, may hear us. Your time has passed. WHITE HOUSE - CYRUS' OFFICE Fitz: The way I see it, all roads lead back to Amanda Tanner. She's saying we had an affair. She's saying she's carrying my child. Cyrus: Without her, there's nothing but that tape. Fitz: Without her, that tape is just a guy who sounds vaguely like me. There's no proof. Nobody even takes that tape seriously without it being vouched for, which means our problem is Amanda Tanner, and she's not our problem. She's a kid. Our real problem is Olivia Pope. Cyrus: You realize- Fitz: I got into this job to help people, to change this country for the better. Fitz: I am the President of the United States of America. It's time I acted like it. Thank you Mr. President. OUTSIDE O.A.S. CONFERENCE Olivia: General Florez. General Florez, you need to reconsider. Benicio: You know that the Hague Convention guarantees that custody must be decided by the parents' home country, right? Right? Olivia: Yes. Benicio: Yes. Olivia: I know. I know she's your wife, I know she's the mother of your children, and I know she seems weak now, but she is smart, she is powerful, and smart, powerful women like Carolina they don't curl up and hide when they've been wounded. They strike back by writing memoirs and appearing on talk shows and at benefits and on red carpets, talking about women's rights in the developing world and how babies were ripped from her arms by a ruthless dictator who can't run a family, much less a country. And then one day, out of nowhere, she's not just the mother of your children anymore. She's a hero. And people everywhere here, in your country people love a hero, general. People rise up and fight for a hero. And I will make it my personal mission that the rest of the world is behind them when they do, so you need to tread very carefully here, because what you do today may determine your political survival. This woman can either be the mother of your children or the face of your opposition now which would you prefer? HOTEL Benicio: We'll go fishing this summer. Just the two of us. WASHINGTON D.C. BAR Gideon: Okay, just one question. Quinn: What happened to no lines would be crossed here, no one will be harmed in the making of this date? Gideon: Oh, so this is a date? Quinn: Okay. One question. Gideon: Was Amanda Tanner sleeping with the President? Quinn: Don't you wish. Now that would be a story. DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: Hello. Harrison: Dennis and Katherine Mahoney emigrated from County Cork, Ireland, to Washington, D.C., in the summer of 1860, just in time for the Civil wr. They started with nothing, built an empire selling news in the front. And in 1973, their great-granddaughter Margaret Mahoney sold her family newsstand chain for $25 million, but she kept one for herself, one to sell to one of her employees Kiyong Kim, who'd also been working at Mahoney News since emigrating to Washington from Busan, South Korea, also with nothing. Kiyong Kim learned English at that newsstand, he became a U.S. citizen at that newsstand, and eventually, he became the owner of that newsstand because Mahoney News is everything that makes this country great. It would be a crime against the nation to knock it down for greed and profit. Your boy Kiyong's got a news crew showing up at 2:30 tomorrow for the 5:00 news and an 800-word human interest story in the "D.C.Weekly," which comes out Thursday. David: Does Olivia Pope ever actually apologize to anyone? Harrison: She just did. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Cyrus. Cyrus: Don't get up. This won't take long. Let's see, Abby Whelan does her ex-husband know where she is because he's been looking for her? Stephen Finch he's been a bad boy. This fella Huck, his file reads like "Helter Skelter," a real page-Turner, and that's just the parts that haven't been redacted. Olivia: Nice show, Cyrus. Very scary. Cyrus: This is two days' work, and I'm a little worried about all the trees that I'm gonna have to kll to print out the rest of the dirt I will find. Olivia: You want to go nuclear? I have that option, too. You should see the size of the mushroom cloud that's going to go up when the president is ht with the paternity suit for Amanda's baby. It's gonna make our "20/20" interview look like a hug. Just finishing up some paperwork. I'm going to need some blood. Cyrus: I really thought I trained you better. You haven't even filed a paternity suit yet. I expected that days ago. Olivia: You seem awful chipper about all this, Cyrus. Cyrus: I am. I am. I'll tell you why. I'm a workaholic, and my sweet husband doesn't let me work on Sundays, unless there's a wr, which is why I hate Sundays and I really hate to garden. So you can see why I'd be excited, because there is, in fact, a wr. There's a bloody, scary wr starting right now. Olivia: You and I are going to wr? That's what you want? Fine. Cyrus: Oh. No. I'm sorry. I wasn't clear. This isn't my wr. You know who sent me here? The President of the United States sent me here, to this office, to deliver these piles of dirt. I'm not the general. I'm not the bad guy. I'm just an errand boy who doesn't have to garden anymore. President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III has declared wr on you, Olivia, and he does so with the full force of the White House and the legion of men and women who work in the United States Government. May God have mercy on your soul. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: I know I've been asking a lot of you all, asking you to trust me, and I know that hasn't always been easy or fair and sometimes I am wrong. But we are about to go forward with Amanda Tanner's case. Going up against the White House is the biggest thing we've ever done. It will be hard. It will be mean. It will be personal. But you don't have to do this because I say so, not this time. You have to decide for yourselves. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): It is a great honor for us to host this meeting in Washington once again. We're grateful for the reminder that this new world of ours America, North and South is more than an accident of geography. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: So let's vote on it. Stephen: We are not gonna make a dime out of this, but I still vote yes. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): We, the free people of the Americas, are bound not only by a shared history (Muffled gasps) But by a common aspiration OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: I'm in. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): Freedom Dignity Progress. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Yes. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): But I am sorry to tell you that our work is not finished. For as long as some of our brothers and sisters still live under the tyranny of dictators, we must not resign ourselves to the status quo. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Of course. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): Democracy is your destiny. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Over a cliff. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): I call on my fellow leaders to stand together and to speak with one voice loud, clear, and strong. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: All right then. We go to w*r. Fitz (on TV): So General Florez, President Chavez, and President Castro all those who would seek to squash individual rights and freedoms, may hear us. Your time has passed.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x04 - Enemy Of The State"}	foreverdreaming
OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Olivia: Answers, people. We need answers, and time is of the essence. Quinn: Her phone's gone and her purse. She ran away. You told her she was gonna have to go on TV, she freaked out, and she ran away. Abby: I gotta say, as crime scenes go, it's pretty clean. No broken locks, no signs of struggle, and I'm not finding any prints aside from yours and Amanda's. Quinn: Because it's not a crime scene. Because she ran away. Huck: There's someone watching you. Olivia: What? Huck: Your trash is gone, and it's not trash day, and there's a sedan parked across the street U.S. government plates, tinted windows. Olivia: What about Amanda, Huck? Huck: Whoever it was came up through the service elevator, picked the lock on the back door, sedated her, taped her up, got her in a duffel bag. In and out, probably seven minutes, six if they were quick. Olivia: How do you know? Huck: That's how I would do it. DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: My secretary has a standing order to stop you from walking in here. Alissa, you're fired. Olivia: One of my clients is missing. David: Have you looked in jail? You often seem to find them there. Olivia: Her name is Amanda Tanner. She's 27 and she was staying in my apartment. David: How long has she been gone? Olivia: Five, six hours. David: You consider that missing? That's barely enough time to rack up a good bar tab. Olivia: Oh, God. David: What's wrong? Olivia: I know I ask a lot of you, but this Amanda thing is big. She's a good kid and she was under my protection. Can you help me find her? David: I'll see what I can do. Olivia: Thank you, David. Don't fre Alissa. I snuck in while she was in the bathroom. SCENE OF PLANE CRASH Harrison: You're late. Quinn: I keep trying Amanda's phone, but it goes straight to voice mail. Harrison: When I say "all hands on deck". Quinn: Harrison, she's our client. She's missing. Harrison: I mean all hands on deck. Quinn: We should be doing things. Things should be happening. Shouldn't we at least file a missing persons report? Harrison: Just 'cause you don't see things happening, doesn't mean things aren't happening. With Olivia, things are always happening. Quinn: I just don't-what could possibly be more important than Amanda right now? Harrison: That. WHITE HOUSE Fitz: I first met Paul ten years ago at the governor's conference. I thought my speech was pretty kller, so when Paul took me aside afterward, I was looking forward to simply "congratulations, Fitz. You moved me to tears." And then for ten very long minutes, he told me, point by point, why every word out of my mouth was not only wrong but potentially the dumbest thing any politician had ever said. Senator Sanchez told you the hard truth because he cared, because he thought we could all do better. He scored no political points and never asked for anything in return, but he earned my profound gratitude, and today, my profound sadness. Of course the senator would be the first to object if I stood up here today and talked about him and failed to mention the 119 other people who died this morning. This is A tragic day for all of us. Our prayers are with all those who lost loved ones on Flight 684. INFORMATION CENTER Nelson: Ms. Pope, Nelson O'Shea, pilots' union. Nice to finally meet you. Olivia: Yes. I wish it were under better circumstances. Nelson: Yes. Very sad. Olivia: So it's a standard crash investigation. We'll need you to make a statement on belief of the pilots' union to the press as soon as possible. The airline P.R. is up there right now, so- Olivia: You let them go first? Nelson: I didn't think it was a problem. PRESS CONFERENCE Airline Rep: Sky national has immediately activated our emergency response protocol and is in direct contact with the F.A.A. and N.T.S.B. Although our primary concern at this time is for the passengers on board the aircraft and their families, we're able to assure you, this particular plane has a perfect safety record. Olivia: And there it is. Harrison: They're saying it's the pilot's fault. Quinn: No, he didn't. He just said- Harrison: They're not saying it, but they're saying it, and this crowd's eating it up with a spoon. WHITE HOUSE Fitz: Make sure we know when the memorial is so we can clear my schedule. Cyrus: Sir, we ought to take this chance to bring the D.R.E.A.M. act to a vote. Fitz: Cyrus. The poor man's still scattered across the Virginia countryside, and you want to start using him to leverage a vote? Cyrus: Paul wanted this more than anything. A pathway to citizenship for immigrant kids who go to college he'd be honored. Billy: It's a divisive issue, even within our own party. Cyrus: Let me put a call in to his wife, she if she'll reach out to the fence sitters. Fitz: How close is the vote? Cyrus: Nose count has us within four or five. Billy: Ah, we're gonna look opportunistic. Cyrus: Never let a crisis go to waste, Mr. President. Fitz: Make the call. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: And how long was her tour of duty in the Air National Guard? And she flew C-141S out of Dover? Okay. Thank you so much. Quinn: How many times do I have to tell you you can't just walk in here whenever you feel like it? Gideon: Look, Amanda Tanner is gone, and that means my story is gone, but it also means your client is gone, so I thought I could just walk in here and talk to you. Quinn: If Amanda is gone and I'm not saying she is then I'm sure Olivia's working on it. Gideon: Well, I saw the news. Doesn't she have her hands full with this plane crash? Quinn: Sometimes just because you can't see things happening doesn't mean they're not happening or something, you know, if she is gone. Gideon: There's a missing persons report, Quinn. Quinn: There's a report? Who, who filed it? Gideon: Amanda's father. DINER Charlie: Uh, so what are you calling yourself now? Huck: Huck. You? Charlie: Charlie. Huck Finn? That's funny. Huck: Well, Charlie, like Charlie Brown? Charlie: I thought you were dad. Huck: I'm not dad. Charlie: Huck freaking Finn? Huck: Don't make fun of my name. Charlie: You out of business? Huck: I was never in business. Charlie: It's lucrative when you contract out. Huck: I'm a retired government employee. Charlie: Oh, really? You sure? You know what they say "once you go black, you never go back." Ops, that is. Black ops. Huck: You never could tell a decent joke. Charlie: So what do you want then? Huck: Female, 5'4", 105 pounds, Amanda Lynn Tanner. Charlie: Don't know what you're talking about. Huck: You're getting sloppy in your old age. You crossed the street at a light. I got you on the traffic cam. Charlie: Well, then. You don't need to ask me about her, now do you? You got me on the traffic cam. Huck: Yeah. But where is she? Charlie: No. No. That's just tacky. That's tasteless. You know better than to ask. What did you think? That you were gonna buy me an assassin's brunch and then we'd hold hands? No. Jeez. Now you're off looking for missing girls? Come on. Ugh. Tacky. Stop looking. She's gone. Hey, you ever want to come back, make a little more money than the U.S. government pays, you give me a call. Talent like yours should not go to waste. And, uh It's not like Charlie Brown. Like Manson. Charlie Manson. Now that's a name. Huck finn? Come on. Ah. Hey, buddy. CVR MEETING Worker: Welcome, everyone. This is the preliminary C.V.R. meeting of all interested parties to Sky National Flight 684. This morning, I'll play the black box recording in its entirety without stopping. You'll hear it once and once only. The national transportation safety board prohibits you from recording what you're about to hear. You are allowed to take notes, but you are prohibited from taking those notes from this room. Any questions? Lori: Here it is, my special fruit drink. That's good. Woman 2: What's in it? Lori: Cranberry, grapefruit. Man: It'd be perfect with some vodka. Air Traffic: Sky National 684, you're cleared to descend to and maintain 5,000. Woman 2: Roger National 684. We'll be out of 15 for 5. Air Traffic: National 4 miles away at 2:00. Possible wake turbulence. You may feel a bump or two. Man: 684. Got the aerostream. Lori: And I feel the bump or two. Hang on. I'm pitching down. We're nosedown. Air Traffic: Sky National 684, I show descending. What's your status? Man: Kick rudder. Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Air Traffic: Sky national 684, what's your status? Man: 684. Emergency. Left rudder. Left rudder! What the hell are you aah! Oh, here we go. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: No, there was a loud bang and the captain was saying "hang on." Abby: No, that was the first officer. Stephen: Fine. But I can't remember if he said it before or after the two thumps. Abby: Before, I think. Maybe after. I don't know. I-I should've written the whole thing on my arm. Harrison: Before the two thumps. It was loud thump, loud thump, long clicking sound, short clicking sound, then three faint thumps. The first officer saying, "Left rudder. Left rudder. What the hell are you-aah! Here we go." I got a good ear. But I'll tell you what I didn't hear in the last ten seconds. The pilot. Abby: As soon as they ht the wake from the aerostream, I think she panicked, maybe overcorrected. Stephen: It was like she didn't hear. She she froze. Olivia: Which is exactly what the airline will say. If Sky National can prove pilot error, they save millions of dollars. They don't have to ground their fleet, do extra maintenance. They have every reason to want to trash Lori Mackelson in the press, cast her as a panicking, P.M.S.ing woman who can't handle a little turbulence. Andrew: Lori had 16,000 flight hours under her belt. She didn't panic. She was a great pilot, under any conditions. She did not freeze. Olivia: Can I help you, sir? Andrew: Not unless you can bring my wife back. Andrew: All I want them to do is to get out there and say she didn't do this. Olivia: Believe me, Andrew. We're gonna do everything we can to clear your wife's name. Andrew: Why haven't you said anything? The news has already said the plane was perfect. Can't you just call a-a press conference? Olivia: If I get up there and play defense, hold my gloves in front of my face, it confirms their narrative. We need to change their narrative. We need to anticipate what they're going to say about Lori before they say it and then ht back with evidence. So lay it on me. What is the worst thing they can say? Andrew: She's been sober for over 20 years. She still goes to A.A. meetings from time to time. Abby: So she's an alcoholic. Andrew: That's not how I would phrase it. Olivia: Which is why they will. TV: Sources say that the flight crew, including the captain and first officer, were drinking - at their hotel the night before the flight - F.A.A. Regulations prohibit the consumption of alcohol 12 hours before a plane's scheduled departure time. The crew was in direct violation of these regulations. BAR: Bartender: Boy, were they hammered. Abby: Not the pilots, though, right? Bartender: Two pilots, six flight attendants hammered. Abby: Even- Bartender: I said, "Y'all better not be flying tomorrow." She says to me, "Don't worry. These planes these days they fly themselves." Can you believe it? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: According to the manufacturer, the mw-85 has a perfect safety record. It's one of the top performing passenger planes in the world. The plane has met with nothing but praise from the aviation community. OFFICE BUILDING Woman: I could lose my job. Stephen: I just need a quick peek at the mechanic reports. Woman: You're asking for a lot. You're not offering much there, Stevie. Woman: No one will ever know. Oh, our little secret, huh? Maybe if you want to come by my apartment? Around 8:00? I'd like to get in a workout and have some time to rinse off. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: Early indications from the black box recording indicate that the airport tower tried to communicate with the pilot Olivia: Damn it. They already leaked what was on the black box? Somewhere in that recording is the truth. We need our own copy. Harrison: I'll get Huck on it. TV: Pleas from the first officer also appear to have been ignored. Stephen: I was this close to getting the mechanic's report. Olivia: What happened? I lost my superpowers. Stephen: I'm engaged. I can't use every tool in the box anymore. Abby: And by tool, you would mean your... Olivia: Okay. Just find another tack, Stephen. We need those reports. Abby. Abby: The bartender confirms that both pilots and all six flight attendants were drinking. Olivia: Six? Manifest listed five. Harrison: You think one of 'em didn't make the flight? Huck: Black box recording. Harrison: How'd you get it? Huck: N.T.S.B. server. Kid's play. Olivia, may I talk to you? Olivia: Check the airline schedule. See what attendants were supposed to fly 684. Abby: Got it. Huck: In your office? Olivia: See what other flight crews were passing through Philly that night. Stephen: Got it. Olivia: Where's Quinn? Has anybody seen Quinn? Abby: I think she went out. Where's the manifest? Olivia: On my desk. Huck: She's dad. Olivia: If there is a missing flight attendant who is alive right now, we need to find her before the airline does. Huck: Amanda Tanner is dad! Olivia: Are you sure? STREET Olivia: Pull down your window. You tell your boy you talk into that little radio in your sleeve and you tell the President I know. I know what he did to her. I know! WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: Shanker and Holiday are both on board, but we're still three votes short. Billy: You'd make it a lot easier on the V.P. If you could throw in a few carrots for border security. It might give us something to work with. Fitz: Come on now, Billy. Are you telling me you can't work with bright, energetic young people earning their way to citizenship through good grades and hard work? Billy: It's not that, Mr. President. Fitz: Great. Then I will count on the vice president's active support. Fitz: Yeah? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Quinn. Who is this? Hank: Hank Tanner. I'm Amanda's father. Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Quinn: I stopped by Amanda's place and found Mr. Tanner outside. Hank: Amanda said that she came to work for you after she left the White House. Olivia: Yes, that's right. Hank: I don't mean to be a bother here, but, uh, I've I've been talking to Mandy every day since she was in the hospital, and then I haven't heard anything from her, so I decided to come up here and make sure that everything was all right. Her mother is really worried about her. Quinn: It's okay, Mr. Tanner. Everything's going to be fine. I promise. Olivia: Mr. Tanner, you look like you could use a cup of tea. Quinn, would you help me get some tea for Mr. Tanner? Hank: Thank you. Olivia: What you did back there? You made a promise. We don't make promises. Quinn: But- Olivia: Amanda Tanner is dad. Quinn: Wh- Olivia: She's dad. Quinn: How do you know? Olivia: We know. But we can't tell him we know because we're not supposed to know, and there is no body. So right now, we're gonna go back in there and give that nice man a cup of tea and tell him we are doing everything in our power to find his daughter. And don't ever promise an outcome we can't deliver. I have to take this. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WHITE HOUSE Olivia: Are we on a secure line? Fitz: Why the hell are you thrat my agents? Olivia: You mean the men you sent to follow and scare me? Fitz: You told them that you know what I did to her. To who? Amanda Tanner? Olivia: Playing dumb doesn't suit you. Fitz: Olivia, either say what you mean or stop- Olivia: wr is wr? Fine. But mrder is mrder. Fitz: Amanda's dad? Olivia: She has a dad. A really nice man who's looking for his daughter. How do you think he's gonna feel when he finds out that the man he voted for had his daughter klled? Fitz: I didn't do this. You know me. You know I didn't do this. Olivia: I don't know anything. Fitz: Trust your gut. Your gut's never wrong. Olivia: I don't have a gut anymore. Fitz: Livvie. Come to the White House and look me in the eye. We need to talk about this face-to-face. Olivia: Face-to-face is over. That girl is dad. Fitz: This wasn't me. You know me. And the thought that I would ever, that I could ever. You know me. Olivia: If you didn't kll her, we both know who did. Tell me I'm wrong. You let a pitbull off his leash, he mauls a baby. Fitz: No one blames the dog. Olivia: You let Cyrus off his leash. That's on you. CARLY RESTON'S APARTMENT Abby: Carly Reston? Carly: Yeah? Abby: You're a flight attendant for sky national? Carly: Oh, God. Look, I called in sick before I went to bed last night, which is more than six hours in advance, so if you couldn't find anyone to cover, it's not my fault. You're not from corporate, are you? Carly: All of them? Everyone? Abby: Yes. Carly: Sammi? Abby: All of them. Everyone. I need to know if Captain Mackelson was drinking at your party at the bar last night. Carly: Lori? No way. She's been sober for, like, a million years. Goes to meetings at every city on the route. She almost never comes out with us anyway. The only reason she even came out with us last night is 'cause it was my birthday. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: You didn't tell me Amanda Tanner used to work in the White House. You didn't tell me she had a previous su1c1de attempt. You pretty much didn't tell me a single thing about the girl whom you tasked me with finding. So if I'm about to step into political quicksand here, I'd like to know it before I sink. Olivia: I can't tell you any more than I've told you. David: But you know more. If you can't tell me more, then you're actually obstructing justice. Olivia: I'm sorry, David. SCENE OF PLANE CRASH Andrew: You know what the flags are for? Yellow's where they picked up pieces of the fuselage. Red's for body parts. I heard one of the emergency workers talking. It's how they keep track of whose parts are whose. Olivia: Andrew, you should really get back when my mom died, we had an open casket. Andrew: When my mom died, we had an open casket. When my dad died, we had an open casket. It's how we say good-bye. What are my kids gonna see when they look in Lori's casket? A red flag? PRESS CONFERENCE Olivia: I'd like to correct, in the strongest terms possible the idea that the pilot, Lori Mackelson, had been drinking the night before the crash. She had not, and we have a witness to that effect. A little history about Lori. She was married to Andrew Mackelson for 17 years. They have two boys Carter, age 15, and Jonathan, age 12. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: I don't want to ask you to do this because it's not what you do anymore. Huck: You want the body. Olivia: I know what I'm asking. And if it's too much for you, if you don't want to, you can say no. That'll be the end of it. We'll find another way. Huck: I'll take care of it. Olivia: Huck, you need reeling in, you call me. I'll come for you. Huck: I got this. I'm good to go. No problem. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: Digrazzo flipped! It took a lot of pork and a guarantee of heavy campaigning from you in New Jersey come midterms. We're only two away now. Fitz: Amanda Tanner's dad. Cyrus: How sad. Fitz: Aren't you gonna ask how it happened? Cyrus: No. Should I? Fitz: A young woman died. A member of this administration. Cyrus: I said how sad I was. You didn't hear me? I'll say it again. How sad. Let's lower the flags. Fitz: For God sakes, Cy, show some respect. Cyrus: 128 innocent Americans, children, mommies and daddies and best friends and husbands and wives died in that plane crash yesterday. That's sad. We lost one of the few sane and worthy members of the senate yesterday. That's sad. Four Navy S.E.A.L.S died in Afghanistan, and that doesn't even touch Sudan, Congo, northern Mexico. That's sad. But the disturbed girl who made it her life's mission to take down this administration, the one who was happily no, gleefully carrying your illegitimate bastard child she's no longer with us? Well, I'm sorry if I'm not sitting shivah. I'm sorry if I can't help but see the millions of people that we'll actually be able to help now that Amanda Tanner is gone. I am sorry, but this is a good thing. It is a good thing for us. It is a good thing for the country. Fitz: What happened to McKinley? I was just getting used to seeing his judge-y face every morning. Mellie: He's being restored. His judge-y face got flaky. What's your preference Madison or Van Buren? Van Buren has a certain wisdom about him. What's bothering you? Fitz: I think we're gonna pass the D.R.E.A.M. Act. Cyrus is on it like a dog with a bone. You know he called Sanchez' widow? Mellie: Good. It needs to be passed. Fitz: Still, there should be limits. We're political animals. We're not animals. Sometimes I think he's too willing to go to extremes. Mellie: Tom, Hal, would you come here, please? Tom? Tom: Yes, ma'am? Mellie: You would take a bllet for the President, wouldn't you? Tom: Yes, ma'am. Mellie: Hal? Hal: Yes, ma'am, I would. Mellie: Thank you. That's all. There isn't a person in this building who isn't willing to go to extremes for you. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I got. Olivia: You got it? Quinn: Got what? Stephen: Mechanic report - I got it. Abby: How'd you get it? Stephen: I got it. Abby: I bet you did. Stephen: I looked through 200 reports, every inspection made on this plane in the last year. These are two separate reports, this one is signed and dated by a mechanic in Phoenix last fall This one's signed and dated by a mechanic in Philly a week ago the last inspection before the crash. No problems reported in either. Quinn: That's bad for us, right? That means the plane was fine. Stephen: Read line four. Quinn: "Power control unit." Stephen: Notice anything? Quinn: He misspelled "control," but Stephen: Line four. Abby: Oh, it's misspelled here, too. Stephen: What are the chances? Identical reports submitted by different mechanics in different cities, months apart? Abby: The Philly report is fake. Quinn: The last inspection of the plane before it crashed was forged? Air Traffic: What's your status? Man: Kick rudder. Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Air Traffic: Sky national 684, what's your status? Man: 684. Emergency. Left rudder. Left rudder! What the hell are you? Man: 684. Emergency. Left rudder. Left rudder! What the hell are you? Man: 684. Emergency. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Hank: Thank you. Man: 684. Emergency. PLANE INSPECTION SITE Stephen: That is your signature. Worker: No, it is, but that's not my report. That's not my handwriting. I wouldn't misspell "control." I won my sixth grade spelling bee. Stephen: You were the last one to inspect the plane before it crashed. Can you tell me what you said in your report? Worker: Hey, I just turn 'em in, all right? This thing's not on me. Stephen: I'm not here to blame you. I just want you to remember. Look, it's important. Worker: First, I would've checked the P.C.U., then the summing levers. And you want to make sure they're okay, 'cause if they're not, you risk the rudder deflecting to full blowdown limit. I'm just trying to think if something was going on with the levers. If there was, I would've put the plane down. I seem to remember recommending that for one of my birds. Stephen: Slow down. Just, I don't want to miss any of this. What exactly are you saying? Are you saying- OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: There's something wrong with the plane. Abby: What? Harrison: She didn't panic. She didn't freeze. She was, she was doing everything right. That's what the noises are. It's her responding, but it didn't matter, 'cause there was something wrong with the plane. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: I know. I know. Just showing up at someone's house it's so tacky. But we really do need to talk about what happened to Amanda Tanner. Okay, Charlie? OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Man: Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Harrison: Right there. Hear that? Those three soft thumps. They're there. Trust me. Olivia: Trust him. Harrison: It's the sound of Lori pushing on the left rudder, but the pedal won't move. It won't let her go left. Andrew: Why not? Stephen: The thing that makes the rudder go left or right according to the mechanic, one of its parts was bent. Harrison: It'd be like making a right turn in your car and having the steering wheel lock up on you. Stephen: The mechanic mentions the bent lever in his report, but that report is gone. Olivia: This is good, Andrew. We can use this. It means Lori did everything in her power to stop that plane from going down. It means it wasn't her fault. Andrew: Then whose fault was it? My wife is dad. 120 people are dad. Who's to blame for that? WHITE HOUSE Fitz: Well, we really appreciate your help. And I know senator Sanchez would, too. This is a great way to honor him. We'll have you and Lynn over to dinner at the residence next week. Okay. Thank you, senator. Yeah. Bye. Fitz: Jankowski's in. Cyrus: Well done, everyone! All right! As long as Brownhill's gallbladder keeps him at home, we have got a tie. And the deciding vote is cast by the Vice President. Billy: I'm sorry. I tried again this morning, but... Cyrus: Don't do this to me, Billy. Billy: We're gonna need one more. Fitz: Get your boss up here. This has gone far enough. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: I don't want you to think that I'm doing this because I'm mad at you. I'm not. I'm not. You trained me, but it was the agency, really. They took stuff from me, and not just my name or my ability to ever contact my family again. I was young, I was fresh out of college, and they made it sound fun. We had fun, didn't we? That's the problem. It's horrible and it's sickening, and just when you think you can't take any more, it gets fun. The U.S. government really knows its stuff, yeah? Something in you just falls away, and it gets fun. There's a high. It's good. It's so good, which is what I wanna remind you of how good it can get. You think about that. Okay, I'm thinking about it 'cause I'm rusty. I'm sober. This is gonna be bad for me for a while, but I'm gonna push through the horrible and the sickening and then something's gonna fall away, and I'm gonna start enjoying myself. All right? And we both know what an artist I can be. And like any junkie, I'm gonna enjoy the high for as long as I can. Okay? Are you ready, old friend? WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Madam Vice President. Thanks for coming on such short notice. Sally: It's an honor to be invited to the party, sir. I just came from a prayer meeting. You know how my people like to pray. Fitz: I do. Sally: My Cassidy was only 12 years old when I was deciding whether or not to take the V.P. slot, and she said, "do it, mama. Governor Grant walks with the Lord." Can you believe she was only 12 years old? Fitz: Very precocious, that Cassidy. We did it, Sally. The D.R.E.A.M. Act is tied in the Senate, and you will have the great honor of casting the deciding vote. Sally: Sir, I'm afraid that I... Fitz: We made a hell of a team out on the campaign trail, didn't we? Sally: The children of illegal immigrants should not be allowed to take part in the bounty of America, Mr. President. That is not God's plan. Fitz: I will never forget the way you brought those people to their feet in Utah. Rain pouring down on 10,000 tired people, and they jumped up like a Baptist choir. That is the closest I've ever seen to political magic. Sally: I'm not saying that they shouldn't be allowed to partake in certain paths to legal immigration. Fitz: You're an experienced politician and a woman of God, so I'm not gonna waste your time by trying to talk you into something that you've obviously given a lot of serious thought to. So let's just get right to it. You intend to be President one day. Sally: Sir, I... Fitz: And whatever our disagreements, this country could use a woman president. But of the 14 vice presidents in our history who have gone on to assume the presidency, do you know how many have done so without the endorsement of the President they served? Sally: None, sir. Fitz: We are going to do great things together, you and I. Great things. And we're going to start by passing the D.R.E.A.M. Act. Cyrus: Sir? Sally: It's my honor, sir. Fitz: She's in. Deal closed. We're good. The bill will pass, no problem, or I will tear her right-wing guts out. I'm back. I am back. Cyrus? Cyrus. Cyrus: We got a blackmail letter. A demand. It's not Olivia. It's not Amanda. Olivia's not this crazy, and Amanda is dad. Which means there's someone else, a third party. Olivia did not send us that sex tape. Someone else did. Fitz: Cyrus, what's the demand? CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: Oh, Charlie, you make a beautiful noise. They did, you know, take stuff from me the U.S. Government. After I started not being able to sleep after I started crying when I wrapped a guy in plastic, they put me in a hole nobody wants to be in. And I don't mean a metaphorical hole. I mean, an actual hole. They took stuff from me, Charlie. So much stuff, that I was homeless, on the subway, begging for change when Liv found me, which is why I'm breaking my sobriety, 'cause she asked, okay? And I'm telling you this because I want you to understand that I owe her, so I'm not gonna stop until you tell me where Amanda is. You get that? Tell me where she is. Charlie, I have a scalpel, a 10-blade. I will peel you like a grape. You're gonna retire to New Mexico. It's nice there. But first, you're gonna tell me where Amanda Tanner's body is.All right? Charlie: All right. Okay. DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: Alissa, you're fired again. What? Olivia: 14th Street bridge. You're gonna need a diving team. David: You okay? Olivia: Not really. David: Okay. Olivia: Okay. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Nixon: Good evening. This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office. I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved. Therefore I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow. As we look to the future, the first essential is to begin healing the wounds of this nation, to put the bitterness and divisions of the recent past behind us. I hope that I will have hastened the start of that process of healing which is so desperately needed in America. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Airline CEO: What exactly are you insinuating, Ms. Pope? Olivia: I don't like to insinuate. I'd rather deduce likely scenarios. And in my scenario, you get a mechanic's report that says you have to ground all your mw-85s, which would cost you millions and send your customers running to your competitors. You'd worry about what your stockholders are going to say. You'd worry about your job. That's understandable. If I'm C.E.O., it's the last thing I'd want. So one report goes missing no harm, no foul that is until 120 people fall out of the sky. Airline CEO: This is not some kind of conspiracy. If that's what- Stephen: She doesn't insinuate. She deduces. Airline CEO: I started this airline with one plane, two pilots, and an old furniture warehouse converted to a hangar. I lost seven employees yesterday. The senior flight attendant, Sammi Tyler, was one of my first hires. Believe me, I want the truth just as much as you do. Stephen: So why did this report disappear? Why didn't it get passed up the line? Airline CEO: I don't know. Olivia: Somebody does. AIRLINE OFFICES Harrison: Phyllis Hayes? I'm, uh, Harrison Wright. I'm here to- Phyllis: I know why you're here, Mr. Wright. Two people used to do my job, and now it's just me. That's not an excuse. It just means things pile up. I had a huge backlog of mechanic reports from all over the country and I had to get them out, push them up the ladder. They fre you if you don't get them in on time to headquarters. But my youngest daughter was having a piano recital and I didn't want to miss it. I-I already missed one this year. So I duplicated one of the reports. I didn't think it was a big deal. I believe this is what you're looking for. I'm never going to hear her play without thinking about all those people. She's very good at the piano My daughter. Harrison: I'm sure she is, Ms. Hayes. PRESS CONFERENCE Airline CEO: I've come here tonight to express my sincere condolences to the victims and the families of Flight 684. As of this afternoon, sky national has participated fully in the N.T.S.B. investigation, and we understand and accept our role in the events leading up to the crash. So I would like to take this time to apologize to all those who lost loved ones in this tragic event, including the families of the crew, and of captain Lori Mackelson, who fought so valiantly until the end to prevent this terrible tragedy. Thank you. MORGUE Hank: That's Mandy. That's my daughter. Huck: She didn't suffer. Quinn: How do you? Huck: 'Cause I know what you do to people to make them suffer. She didn't suffer. It was a good death. Olivia: Thank you. Huck: It's okay. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Hal? Tom? Can you guys come in here a second, please? What if I wanted to get out of here? Tom: Sir? Fitz: The press corps lid is on. The staff has all gone home. What if I wanted to leave? Tom: I don't think...that's not possible, sir. Fitz: You're gonna tell me 41 never left? Okay, seriously. 42? Bill Clinton. William Jefferson Clinton never left? Tom: I wouldn't know anything about past Presidents. Fitz: Kennedy never left the White House in secret? What am I, born yesterday? Hal: Sir, we have no knowledge of- Fitz: I want to go somewhere spontaneously. How do I do that? Tom: I would inform our immediate supervisor at the Secret Service, who'd inform the head of the Secret Service and the White House press secretary, who'd inform the White House press corps. 150 individuals would assemble, along with your bulletproof presidential limousine, your chase and follow car, your ambulance, two unmarked vehicles, as well as the sht and the marine guard. Fitz: No. Tom: Sir? Fitz: What if I wanted to go somewhere alone, no secret service, no press, no anything? Hal: Technically, the President of the United States is allowed to refuse the protection of secret service, but, uh Fitz: "But, uh," what? Hal: It needs to be approved by the Secretary of the Treasury, sir. And recorded in the National Record. Fitz: I'm not a prisoner. Tom/Hal: No, sir. Fitz: I am the most powerful man on the planet. Tom/Hal: Yes, sir. Fitz: But I can't leave my house. Tom/Hal: No, sir. Fitz: You see where I might be a little bit annoyed? Tom/Hal: Yes, sir. Fitz: I am a grown man. I am going to leave here. If I have to walk out to the staff parking lot with you two following me, jump into someone's 1994 Civic and drive off without protection, I am going to leave. I would like to be safe and not jeopardize the economy of this country when I did so. Can you come up with a way to make that happen? Tom: Two sedans, covered parking, one sharpshter, and your ambulance. Fitz: One sedan and covered parking. No sht and no ambulance. Tom: One sedan, covered parking, no sht, we keep the ambulance and add two agents. Fitz: Sold. Hal: Just like 43. Tom: Yeah. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Personal belongings on her body, no sign of foul play, slashed her wrists a month ago. Cops want to rule it a su1c1de. Coroner wants to rule it a su1c1de. Olivia: So it's gonna be ruled a su1c1de. David: Yep. So who do you think klled her? See, I've got this nagging feeling you've got a pretty good idea. I know I give you a long leash on a lot of things, and I like to, because despite my better judgment and all my protests to the contrary, I really do consider you a friend. But I can't look the other way here, not on this. I'm an assistant U.S. attorney, Liv. I prosecute crime. I get the bad guys. So at some point, even with you, I gotta draw the line. I gotta do my job. Gotta be the sheriff. Olivia: The white hat looks good on you. MORGUE Stephen: Lisa, I'm gonna need that autopsy report fast-tracked as soon as you can. Lisa: Well, I can tell you right now it's gonna be a su1c1de. Stephen: I'm still gonna need that report. Lisa: Are you still engaged? Stephen: Not so engaged that I, I don't remember the freezer. GIDEON'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hey. I left you ten messages. I just heard. It's horrible. I couldn't reach you. Quinn: I didn't know what to do, so I-I just started making grilled cheese, because it's literally the only thing I know how to make, and it's comfort food, and I figured you'd be hungry, and you, Quinn, are you okay? OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT TV: Congressman Mike Pence of Indiana Welcoming the compromise, but cautioning against taking too much credit Olivia: What? Wait. Hold on. Coming! Stephen. Stephen: It's not his. Olivia: What? Stephen: I just got the coroner's report. The blood type's not a match. Amanda was pregnant, but the baby was not the President's. Stephen: Liv? Liv, you? Fitz: Hi. Olivia: Hi.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x05 - Crash And Burn"}	foreverdreaming
OLIVIA POPE's APARTMENT Olivia: Why are you here? You can't be here. Fitz: I didn't kll Amanda Tanner. Olivia: I know. Her baby it wasn't yours. But it could have been. Fitz: Really? You really want me to detail for you how and where and in what positions Amanda Tanner and I had sex? Would that help make you feel better? 'Cause I'll do it. Olivia: No. Fitz: You left me. I was unhappy. She was there. One time. I-- I made a mistake. Olivia: I don't want to talk about it. You cheated on your mistress with your girlfriend. Let's just leave it at that. Fitz: She wasn't my girlfriend. Don't you ever call yourself a mistress. We both know better. Olivia: Why are you here? Fitz: Cyrus got this in the mail a week ago. It's a sex tape. I'm on it. I need you to hear it. Olivia: I definitely don't want to hear you and Amanda Tanner having sex. Fitz: Olivia. I need you to listen to this. GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Fitz: Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it. We got our ass handed to us by Sally Langston in Iowa last night. So, anyone have any great ideas? Anyone? Jeannine: We have to swing farther right. We haven't said a thing about gay marriage, school prayer- Fitz: Oh, come on. It's not our stances on the issues. We are not getting our message out there. People don't know where I stand. The problem is-- Olivia: Your marriage. It looks like you don't screw your wife Which would be fine, except that family values matter to Republicans. It's why they vote for who they vote for. And since Sally's got Jesus firmly on her side, that just leaves family. Marriage. And yours, whatever the truth may be from the outside, it looks cold, distant, dad. Where is your wife, by the way? People want to like who they're voting for. Voters thought Al Gore was a big stiff until he stuck his tongue down Tipper's throat. They put George W. in office because he and Laura seemed like a fun couple to have a beer with. People have to want to invite you in for dinner; and right now, you and your wife are standing in their doorway, not looking at each other, letting in the cold air. That's why you lost Iowa. It's why you'll lose New Hampshire. Fitz: And you are? Olivia: Olivia. Pope. Fitz: fre her. Cyrus: Ah, she's great, right? A pstol. Lives for her work, a political nun, best student I ever had. Fitz: fre her. Cyrus: 'Cause she said what every staffer on your campaign was afraid to say? Fitz: Just get rid of her. Olivia: I'll charge my hotel room to the campaign. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to raid the hotel minibar. Liv best of luck, Governor. Cyrus: Let's be clear about something. I run a sausage factory. Fitz: Which makes me ... sausage? Cyrus: Handsome, highly qualified, smart, idealistic, and energetic sausage. The stump, the electrifying speeches, the baby kissing that's all you. The nitty-gritty, morally bankrupt, back-alley-brawling rest of the game, that's me. It's filthy and thankless, and it's my hallelujah, heroin, and reason to breathe. And you, you don't have half the stomach for it, so you go and you make nice with Olivia Pope. Get her back, or you can find another sausage maker. Fitz: Ms.Pope? Ms. Pope, wait. I, I apologize for fring you. Olivia: Why? Fitz: Why do I apologize? Olivia: Why did you fre me? I had a job, a paying job, from which I took a leave of absence to do a favor for my friend Cyrus because I am good. I am brilliant. I would eat, breathe, and live Fitzgerald Grant every minute of every day. You would be lucky to have me. Just because you don't like hearing the truth about yourself- Fitz: I loved hearing what you had to say. I agree with every word. Very astute. And you're right. I would be lucky to have you. Look ... Olivia: This is why you fired me ... Fitz: Can we just...? Olivia: Go back in there and work. Fitz: Okay. Olivia: Okay. PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PANCAKE BREAKFAST / OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz: Oh, it's perfect to meet you. Yeah, thank you for having us. How are you, Sally? Hi. Olivia: Put down the butter. Abby: I don't know what you're talking about. Olivia: I can hear my mixer again, Abby. Butter won't fix it. Abby: So are you a rabid Republican yet? Hello? Liv? Olivia: He's got ... something I can work with. Abby: Go to it then. You don't have to check on me every day. I'm not deranged. I'm just divorced. Olivia: So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out of my kitchen. Call my friend Stephen. He's fun. Abby: Stop trying to get laid. Maybe I'll buy a gn. Olivia: Ohh-kay. Bye! Cyrus: Ooh, he's good, our boy. You'd never know he's dying to rip Langston's throat out. Olivia: If only he were that good at faking it with his wife we wouldn't be losing. Amanda: Schedule of events? Olivia: Thanks. Cyrus: What's your name? Amanda: Amanda. Cyrus: Thanks, Amanda. I don't care which campaign you're volunteering for, I want to thank you for coming out today. US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Alissa, cancel your plans. We're working late tonight. GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Mm. This is really good. Gideon: I know. Quinn: No, I mean like award-winning good, like you should quit your job. 'Cause let's face it, you're kind of a crap reporter. Gideon: Mm-hmm. Quinn: Go out on the road in your car and sell this grilled cheese. Wait. You have a car, right? 'Cause I can't date you if you don't have a car. Gideon: I have a car. I also ... I have ... A deadline tomorrow. Quinn: Oh. Yeah, I sh- I'm sorry. I should go. Gideon: No. No. I didn't mean that. You shouldn't go. You should stay. I just have to work for a couple of hours, but you should stay here, naked. And beautiful. And here, in my bed. Stay here. Please. US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Ah, did you get moo shu chicken? No wonder it took you so long. How do you even walk in those? Alissa: I got whatever you ordered. And these shoes aren't made for walking. They are made for getting me laid, specifically, they are for the very hot bartender at the Black Cat, where I would be having a drink right now if I didn't happen to work for an obsessive-compulsive slve driver who makes me fetch him dinner at 10:30 on a Thursday night. David: You know, if you spent less time at the Black Cat and more time studying for the bar exam, you wouldn't be fetching your boss anything because at law firms, they have assistants for that. Alissa: Lots of lawyers fail the bar. David: All lawyers pass the bar. That's what makes them lawyers. Alissa, eat something. We have a mrder to solve. Alissa: No, we don't. Coroner says it's a su1c1de, and the police agree with her, which is why I went home two hours ago, because work was over. David: Amanda Tanner. 27. Single. 13 weeks pregnant. Worked as an aide at the Grant White House till just a couple weeks ago when she abruptly resigned and botched a su1c1de attempt. Then she becomes a client of Olivia Pope's, and we pull her dad body out of the river. Don't you find that interesting? Well, pretend you do, for me. Now if you did happen to find any of this remotely fascinating, incongruous, intriguing, worthy of our time, what's the first question you might ask about Amanda Tanner? Alissa: Well, um, who in the White House would want her dad? PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP Mellie: You canceled all our events for the next two days? Yes. Fitz: The primary's in less than a week. We can't miss two days of campaigning. Cyrus: New Hampshire's a small state. Mellie: I have a literacy fund-raiser in nashua tomorrow. I can't possibly cancel that. Olivia: That's why I canceled it for you. Mellie: Maybe I'm dense, but I have to confess, I don't really know what you want from us. Olivia: First off, I'd like you to actually talk to each other. Mellie: We talk all the time, Ms. Pope. Not to each other, you don't. House parties, town hall meetings, baseball games you barely look at each other. Mellie: Fine. We will add a couple of events to the schedule where we are together. Olivia: That won't do it. You two need to be a couple. A believable, loving, dedicated couple. Or you might as we throw it in right now. Why don't we give you two a moment? Fitz: Why are you fighting this? It's what you wanted. It's what you've always wanted. Mellie: What I wanted? You are the one running for President. Fitz: Oh, please, like you're not running for First Lady? You're dying to get into that White House. You're practically redecorating already. Mellie: Okay, there it is. I am the ambitious monster. I'm the Iron Lady. I have done everything for you! I have sacrificed my career for you. I have had kids for you. There is not a single thing in my life I have not given up so that you could be President! Fitz: I never asked you for any of that. Mellie: And all I get in turn is this perpetual resentment! Fitz: So what would you prefer? That I ignore you? That we don't talk at all? 'Cause that's pretty much how it's been the past few years, and that's worked okay. Mellie: Now you're just being juvenile. Fitz: Look, we BOTH know... Cyrus: This is why they don't talk to each other. Fitz: No ... 'Cause you're afraid it would get out and kll us politically. Mellie: If they found out, we'd be dad in the water! Fitz: Fine! Then if living on Pennsylvania Avenue is that important to you, we better suck it up and start acting like this isn't a dad marriage! OUTSIDE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP James: Governor, you're 5 points down in New Hampshire. Taking time out from the primary for a parent-teacher conference isn't that a little risky? Fitz: If it's a choice between losing touch with your family and losing a primary. That's not really a choice, is it? PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PREPARATION Olivia: You can't wear this tie on morning TV. Fitz: What? Olivia: It's too distracting. Take it off. Give me your tie, please. Give me your tie. Take it off. Off, off, off, off. Thank you. Okay. Fitz: You decide who you're voting for? Olivia: I'm apolitical. Fitz: You don't sleep, you rip ties off innocent bystanders for me, you're klling yourself 24/7 to get me elected, and I don't even have your vote. Olivia: Well, you're gonna need to earn it, like any other candidate. INTERVIEW WITH FITZ & MELLIE Reporter: If my research is right, you were first in your class at Harvard Law. Mellie: That's right. Oh, and uh, Fitz did fine, too. Cyrus: Not bad. Olivia: They're still not touching. GRANT CAMPAIGN ICE CREAM SOCIAL Fitz: One more. There you go. One more. Mellie: Very good job. Olivia: That's great. Mellie: It's your turn. It's your turn, Fitz. Fitz: Okay, it's my turn. Mm-hmm. Delicious! Olivia: Oh, wipe it off ... Wipe it off. Cyrus: Wipe it off. Olivia: Wipe it. Wipe it off. Wipe it off, Mellie. Come on. Cyrus: Come on. Fitz: Oh. Thank you. Olivia: Perfect. Mellie: Ice cream, anyone? LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Sally: Ugh! Who in the holy hell is running that campaign? Billy: As far as I know, they haven't made any official changes. Sally: Oh, yeah? That is a big, old pile of dung, Billy Chambers, and you know it. That is not the Fitzgerald Grant I ran against in Iowa. That is a candidate, Billy. A down-home, charming, red-blooded candidate who's stealing my votes. Hell, I'm halfway to voting for him. Now I want to find out who's responsible so we can see what we're dealing with here. Billy: I'm on it. Sally: Billy, it is not in God's plan that I lose New Hampshire. Billy: Senator, I promise you, we will not lose New Hampshire. GRANT CAMPAIGN STOP (NEW HAMPSHIRE) Fitz: I'm a little superstitious, so we're not gonna have any victory speeches until tomorrow night, after everyone's voted. But for now, I just really want to say thank you. Okay? Thanks. It's all you guys. Fitz: Olivia Pope I don't know how you do it. Olivia: Oh, if we're passing out credit, Governor, you and Mellie deserve most of it. You two seem to be doing much better. Fitz: I think you underestimate how good a politician I am. Cyrus: We're not gonna win New Hampshire. Fitz: What are you talking about? The polls have us up by- Cyrus: Story's coming out in the morning paper, 6:00 A.M. They'll be reading about it over their damn coffee, right before they vote. Olivia: What story? What's coming out? Cyrus: Mellie's having an affair. RESTAURANT BAR TV: Senator Sally Langston won the New Hampshire Republican primary Tuesday, with 98% of the precincts reporting. Most attribute the voters' change of heart to new allegations that Governor Grant's wife is involved in an extramarital affair. Billy: Now you can't blame this one on me. You did a hell of a job with those two. The thing is, this isn't a story that goes away. You know, you can't spin a dad marriage. Sally and Doug, on the other hand ... they're like a couple of teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other. It's kinda gross, actually. Olivia: Billy Chambers. Billy: Thanks for meeting me, Olivia. Olivia: What do you want? Billy: Concede before South Carolina, and we'll give you the V.P. slot. Olivia: I'll take my check. Billy: Come on. You and I on the same team? We'd be unstoppable. We could play the spin machine, wrangle reporters, have nice meals on the trail. Do you like barbecue? Olivia: Are you asking me to concede or out on a date? Billy: Maybe a little bit of both. Olivia: I hate barbecue. Billy: You're awfully confident for someone who's got no cards left to play. Olivia: Oh, I always have cards left to play. GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS / WASHINGTON D.C. STREET Fitz: This is the man who's gonna save my campaign? Olivia: Governor, if they look like wapon, they're hard to keep secret. Huck: You're late. Olivia: Blame this guy. Cyrus, give us a minute. Huck, are you ready to reenter the real world today? Mellie: Is he wearing pants? Huck: Paul Mosley. Literacy policy advisor for- Mellie: We all know who he is. He was advising me on literacy. But that's it. End of story. I would never- Fitz: Honey, it's not necessary. We believe you. Huck: They were following you. Did you know that? Mellie: What? Huck: A guy like me, but, like, cleaner, has been following you for over seven months. Taking these photos, gathering evidence to use against you, just waiting for the chance. Fitz: How'd you get these? Huck: Anything digital, it's all just out there. Patterns of ones and zeros waiting to be gotten. Cyrus: All these late night meetings it doesn't look good. Olivia: And the story's picking up traction because Mosley's not denying it. Cyrus: They must be paying him off. Huck: I pulled up all his financials. His password is "literacy." Olivia: What's he got? Swiss accounts? Cayman Islands? Huck: Uh, just small amounts. Uh, tiny step productions. Here's another $4. 19. Cyrus: Hardly damning. Keep looking. Huck: Well, small payments are interesting, too. Fitz: Why is that? Huck: Well, he's been getting quarterly payments from Tiny Step Productions. Tiny ones going back 30 years. Olivia: You ready to try something new? Abby: I was thinking of going savory, but what's up? TINY STEP PRODUCTIONS OFFICE Abby: Excuse me. Receptionist: Hello. Abby: What do you do here? Receptionist: We're a feature film company. Abby: Oh? What kind of films? Receptionist: Specialty films, ma'am. Abby: Like educational or ... OUTSIDE GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: No way! James: No, no way what? Cyrus: You lost your seat on the bus when you ran that Mosley- Mellie affair nonsense of a story without even running it by me. James: I called for comment. You didn't pick up. Cyrus: I expected more from you, James. James: Don't bully me for doing my job, Cy. "Times" ran that story, too. Cyrus: Claire, you're off the bus, too. Ask James why. Fitz: Hey, Liv? Olivia: Yeah. Fitz: We on top of this, getting this guy to come clean? Olivia: I'm on it. Fitz: What does that mean, "you're on it"? Olivia: I got a guy. Fitz: You got a guy? Another guy? Hells angel? Mobster? A kindhearted felon who owes you a favor? Olivia: Technically, he's on probation. PAUL MOSLEY'S HOUSE TV: Don't forget the little pinkie toe. Mm! Mwah! Mm! Harrison: Toe sucking not my thing, but I admire the technique, no matter the application. And you, Paul Mosley, a.k.a. Brock "The Mouth" Stone hahaha! You got mad skills. You commit. Paul: Get the hell out of my house. Harrison: No wonder they made eight sequels of "Twinkle Toes on Parade." Paul: I'm calling the cops. Harrison: Save your minutes. I already did. I figured they'd need a patrol or two to manage the media circus that's gonna be tearing up your front lawn in about four minutes. You see this, your toe-sucking highness, is your golden opportunity to fervently deny any remotely romantic involvement with Mellie Grant before you are a national joke and the entire literacy community that holds you in such high esteem reads all about your lengthy and decorated career as an artist of toe-rotica. Wow! Can I get an amen, Paul? REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, SOUTH CAROLINA Sally: We have the technology. We should aerial drone the hell out of our Southern borders and protect our legal citizens. Unless, of course, governor grant wants to open up his Santa Barbara ranch for amnesty ... Kendal: The next question is for you, Governor Grant. Your marriage has received a lot of attention during this primary campaign. And while allegations of infidelity have been dismissed, criticism lingers amongst voters. Why do you think that is? Cyrus: We knew it was coming. Fitz: I think that a lot gets lost in translation between real life and packaged news footage. You can't capture 20 years of marriage in a in a snapshot. You can't capture chemistry with a photo op. I know what some people perceive and what the ... the whispers are, but ... The most honest thing that I can tell you about myself right now, Kendal, is that I'm a man in love with an incredible woman. HOTEL ELEVATOR Cyrus: There's the man! Crowd: Whoo! Cyrus: Congratulations! Crowd: Congratulations! Yeah! Uh-huh! Whoo! GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. This is Gideon Wallace from "The D.C. Sun." We spoke last week about Amanda Tanner in 3-B. Yes, I do know what time it is. Hey, I know it's late, but I- do you know who's looking after Amanda's dog? I think it's a golden retriever. Do you know who's watching it for her? Her boyfriend? Really? US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Look at these logs. This girl is signing into the White House at the crack of dawn and signing out in the wee hours, every day. You know what I think? I think work and play overlapped. Think about it. She never goes home, so where's she doing it? The White House, that's where. Oh, like you wouldn't. David: So she was sleeping with someone in the White House, as apparently, any red-blooded American would. Alissa: And plus, it's gotta be someone in the parts of the West Wing she's logging into. David: Come on. Alissa: That totally narrows it down. David: To 57 employees of the male persuasion. So the question remains who's her baby daddy? Alissa: Did you just say "baby daddy"? GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Olivia: I need the latest poll numbers for Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma. Woman: I'm on it. Olivia: Super Tuesday is coming, people, and it's gonna kll us if we don't stay on top of it. Fitz: Morning. Olivia: Good morning, Governor Grant. Did you need something? Fitz: No, just ... no. Olivia: Good. Fitz: I'm married. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I'm running for President. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I can't. Olivia: I don't want you to. Fitz: But just stand here with me, for one minute. Let's not go back in there or talk or think or ... For one minute, we just stand here, and I'm not the candidate and you're not the campaign fixer. We're just us. One minute, for one minute. Just ... stand here with me. Olivia: One minute. Mellie: Oh! Liv, there you are. You've really got to look at what they have me wearing at the town hall tonight. I really think it's too much. GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: Just got the tracking polls for Super Tuesday. You're still down with women. They're for Sally and they're not changing their mind. Fitz: I crushed her in that debate. The whole country saw it. Olivia: It's hard to win over women when there's a viable female candidate in the race. We've been waiting a long time. Fitz: So what do we do? Cyrus: We've got the oppo on her. Three witnesses all willing to speak on the record about snorting coke at a frat party with Sally Langston, back when she was just a Tri Delt. Olivia: It won't work. You can't nail Sally Langston on morality. Sally found God, Cyrus. Once you find God, all is forgiven. That's kind of the point. Cyrus: No, the point is we can't win without women. Fitz: No. You take the opposition research and you put it in the garbage. We're playing the rest of the game above board, win or lose. Cyrus: Okay. GRANT CAMPAIGN EVENT, GEORGIA Fitz: And that's exactly why I think deregulation is a good thing, like this pie. Do y'all really get to eat this all the time? 'Cause if you do, I'll have to spend a lot more time down here. Mellie: I'm sorry. I just I can't do this anymore. Fitz: Mel? Mellie: It's okay, honey, I just I need to say it. Um ... A few months ago, Fitz and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child. And we were so thrilled, so excited to bring a new life into our family. But campaigns can be so stressful, and I guess uh- I guess my body just couldn't handle it. And I lost our baby. Even though it was only eight weeks ... It was a baby and it was a member of our family and I have grieved for the loss of our child every day since. And I know that many of you have sensed, um, I don't know, distance between me and Fitz during the campaign, while we have struggled through this terrible experience as best we could. And I should say- Fitz wanted to quit to give us time to take care of each other, but I wouldn't let him, because I truly believe that he is the best person to be President of the United States, and I couldn't let our loss stand in the way of that. Mellie: I think that ought to take care of it, don't you? GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hey, Marco. How's the night shift treating you? Cool. Did you get that coroner's report yet? Seriously? How far along? Hi. Gideon Wallace. "D.C. Sun." Yeah, that's right. I called before. No, I didn't know you needed to be at work in an hour. Do you know Amanda's boyfriend? He's watching her dog? Works at the White House. You don't know his name? Lives in Logan Circle. All right. Thank you. US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Old. Old. Ugly. Psycho eyes. Ugly. Old. Old. David: I have learned so much tonight. Alissa: What about this guy? Robert Sullivan. Deputy Assistant to the President for Homeland Security. David: Why him? Alissa: He's cute. But look at that smile. He could totally be a kller. David: You think whoever knocked her up was also the one who klled her? Alissa: Of course. It's always the boyfriend. David: Of course. GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Olivia: I was sorry to hear about your loss. Are you...? Is Mellie okay? If she needs to take a break from the campaign, I'm sure we could- Fitz: Mellie's fine. She flew to Alabama. She's doing twelve campaign stops in two days. She's thrilled. Nothing keeps that woman down, not even a fake miscarriage. She's a real catch, my wife. I'm a lucky man. Olivia: I'm sorry. Fitz: Oh, God. Please don't. Don't be nice to me. I'm sitting here complaining to you about my wife, which is sleazy and low and not fair to you and the oldest trick in the book. Suddenly I'm looking down at myself and I'm ... How did I get here? Why didn't I meet you sooner? What kind of a coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up? Olivia: Governor Grant ... Fitz: Oh, for God sake, we are so far beyond the "Governor Grant" crap. Just say my name. Olivia: That's crossing the line. It would be inappropriate. Fitz: Then let's be inappropriate. Say my name. Olivia: Fitz. HOTEL HALLWAY / HOTEL ROOM / UNKNOWN LOCATION Cyrus: This is me. How early are we starting tomorrow? Olivia: 6 AM pancake breakfast at the Baptist church and a prayer meeting. Cyrus: I can already feel the holy water burning my pagan flesh. Night. Fitz: Night. Olivia: Good night. Olivia: This is me. Fitz: I'm down there. Just go in your room and close the door, and we'll pretend this never happened. Go in your room. Fitz: Take off your clothes. (You're doing fine) Man: Yeah, I think I got something. Some woman. Nah, you can't tell who it is. They're not exactly talking. Yep. I'll send it your way. LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Delivery Guy: This goes to your boss. Amanda: Sorry to interrupt. This just came for you. Billy: Thank you. I'm sorry. What's your name again? There's so many new people around here, I keep losing track. Amanda: Amanda. Tanner. And please, no worries. I'm just happy to be here. I'm a huge fan of Senator Langston. Billy: Amanda. I won't forget this time. I promise. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT CD (Fitz): Take off your clothes. Olivia: Cyrus got this? In the mail? Someone's had this for two years. Why wait? Why now? Fitz: All they had was a tape and a voice. They needed the voice. They needed a girl. Olivia: They needed Amanda Tanner. US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: If the baby's blood type is A, and Amanda's is B, then the father has to be either type A or type AB. We could subpoena the White House personnel files for the blood types. David: Alissa, we don't have enough to subpoena anyone for anything. Alissa: UGH but we are so close. David: We're not close. We have a su1c1de and a hunch. Go home. Alissa: What? David: Get some sleep. Study for the bar. Go shoe shopping. Sorry I kept you up all night on a wild nothing. Alissa: David? David: Yeah? Alissa: I'm not. Good night. David: Night. GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. Uh, this is Gideon Wallace with "The D.C. Sun." I'd like to speak to Chief of Staff Chambers, please. Oh, you answer your own phone. Cool. Uh, I'm calling to get a quote for a story I'm working on. Quinn: I'm gonna run out and grab some bagels. Gideon: Right. Okay. Well, it's about your relationship with Amanda Tanner. LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HQ Sally: Thank you, Governor. Billy. Billy: Don't thank me until you hear it. Sally: That was Governor Grant. I've just accepted his offer to be his V.P. Billy, we were creamed on Super Tuesday. We are out of options. Billy: So what? We just ... no. No! He is a philandering faux conservative who will destroy everything, every single thing that we have promised to millions of people, honest Americans. What are we gonna say to them? Sally: Tell 'em to vote. Vote Grant-Langston. Billy: This makes super Tuesday nothing, a blip. Just listen. All right, not for me, but for the future of our country. Sally: Matthew 13:24. There's a parable about a group of enemies who plant bad seeds amongst the good ones to ruin the crops. The farmer notices weeds growing amongst the fruit. The servants ask the farmer if they should round up the weeds before the harvest, and what does the farmer say? Billy: "Let them grow together." Sally: One day, God will burn the weeds and save the fruit, Billy, but for now, let 'em grow. OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Olivia: You need to get back to the White House before the press corps comes in. Fitz: Mm. I've imagined your place a thousand times. I like it. It's very you. Olivia: Yeah. Living alone has its perks. Fitz: I should go. Olivia: You should go. Fitz: Oh. One minute? Olivia: Yeah. One minute. Fitz: Good-bye, Livvie. Olivia: Good-bye, Mr. President. GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Amanda Tanner worked in the West Wing with you. There's pictures of the two of you including several with her dog. Billy: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Can we just get right to the point here, Gideon? What are you saying exactly? Gideon: I think you had a relationship with Amanda. I think you were her boyfriend. Billy: Is that it? Is that your big discovery, that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? That we held hands? Went steady? Gideon: If I were the Vice President's Chief of Staff, that's not something that I would want people to know, especially considering that she- Billy: Morons. Gideon: What? Billy: I'm surrounded by morons. Huge, clueless morons. Gideon: I've got a story here. Billy: Yeah, genius, you do, only it's the wrong one. I'm not the story. The President's the story. The President is the one who slept with Amanda Tanner. I was your source in the White House. I sent you the pictures of Amanda and the President and the stupid dog. I sent you the West Wing logs. She visited him practically every day. Dear God, man, I did everything except draw you a picture of their stick figures doing it! All you had to do was put two and two together. What is it with people? Why are they so freaking stupid?! You, Amanda. It was an easy script for both of you. Big letters, small words. You could- you could follow it in your sleep. Gideon: Oh, my God. You sent her in to sleep with the President. Billy: "Oh, my God." You call yourself a journalist? You're a joke. You could have been the next Woodward and Bernstein and the best you can do is tell everyone that I had a relationship with a crazy dad girl? Good luck with that story. Gideon: That's not all I came up with. Billy: You're an idiot. Whatever you say, I'll just deny it. This conversation never happened. Gideon: According to the coroner's report, Amanda was 13 weeks pregnant. I bet it's your baby. I may be a joke, but "d*ad White House Intern Was Carrying V.P. Aide's Love Child" that sure sounds like a story to me. I even have a copy of the coroner's report if you want to see it. Gotta believe they can run a DNA match between you and a fetus. This conversation might be easy to deny, but that sure as hell wouldn't be, would it? Let me just see where I put that. I'll show you. Aah! Oh! GRANT-LANGSTON PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE Fitz: It is my honor to have Senator Langston's conviction and strong sense of justice by my side. And with your support, we are gonna take the White House in November and we are gonna bring America the change it's been waiting for!	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x06 - The Trail"}	foreverdreaming
GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Okay, not only are you super cute and have a great address; but you have literally the nicest people working in your bagel shop that I have ever-- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, god. Ohh. I-I Ohh. Ohh. Oh, god. Ohh. Oh, g-- You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're--you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna get help. Hold on. Just hold on. Hold on. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be- WHITE HOUSE - FRONT GATES Morris: Morning again, Mr. Chambers. You've been a busy man. I signed you in two hours ago. Most people are just prying their eyelids open, And you've already been out causing trouble. Billy: Right. Have a good one. WHITE HOUSE - BILLY CHAMBER'S OFFICE Aide: You have a 9:30 with the legislative affairs team to discuss the Gulf Coast Initiative. The advance briefing is on your desk, and then at 10:00, the Vice President would like you to join her For the prayer breakfast, and then-- GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Olivia: Quinn? Quinn: Thank you. Thank you for coming. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I was gonna call 9-1-1, And then he- Olivia: Quinn, who else have you called? Quinn: You. Just you, because whoever k-klled Gideon, he's out there. We should call the police. We should. The police have to be called. Olivia: Quinn, we can't call the police. Quinn: Why, why, why, why, why? He's dad. When someone's dad, you call the police. Olivia: You and I both know why we can't call the police. Quinn: What? He's dad. Why can't we? We have to. Why? Olivia: Because if we call the police, they'll find out who you really are. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Cyrus. Cyrus: James wants to adopt an Ethiopian baby. Fitz: That's good. Cyrus: It is. It is good, but I've been fighting him on it, been making all sorts of excuses about why it's not a good idea. I'm not a young man. I work crazy hours. Once you have a kid, your life's no longer your own. The usual suspects. The whole thing was off the table; at least until last night. Fitz: Last night? Cyrus: Yeah, last night, when I went looking for the President of the United States and found out that he was at his girlfriend's house. Fitz: Here it comes. Cyrus the Holy. Cyrus: You tell me to go to wr with Olivia Pope, then you spend the night with her?! Are you out of your mind? What did you do, throw pebbles at her window? Hide under her bed while her mom and dad came by her room, said good night? Fitz: All right. That's enough. Cyrus: Why did you even run for this job, to get laid? You couldn't get laid as Governor? Fitz: Get out of my office. Cyrus: What you did last night was stupid and reckless! You want to know what I gave up to put you here in this office, what I've done for you, the ends that I've gone to? If you had any idea-- Fitz: I am so sick of you saying you PUT me in the White House. I got myself elected. I put myself in the White House. Cyrus: You were a flyboy with a good head of hair and a pushy dad. Fitz: I'm sorry if the girl that you hired; the girl you mentored; the girl you brought in to save the day; your girl; fell in love with me. That must really eat at you, Cy. Cyrus: You don't deserve this job. Fitz: And yet here I am! Aide: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President. It's the cult situation in Georgia. Three AF agents were just sht near the compound. GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Olivia: She's our client. Harrison: We barely know her. Stephen: No, she's an employee. Harrison: Who we barely know. Olivia: And now she's our client. Abby: There is a dad reporter on the floor. Can we have this conversation someplace else? Harrison: I don't know why we're not calling it in. I'll dial 9-1-1 right now. Olivia: We can't do that. Stephen: Why not? Olivia: I'm gonna have to ask you to not move. Quinn: Huh? Huck: You're leaving footprints. Olivia: If we call the police, there's gonna be a problem for Quinn. Harrison: What? Abby: What problem? Olivia: She can't be photographed, booked, or fingerprinted in any official capacity. She cannot be connected to the crime scene in any way. Stephen: Why not? Olivia: Her name isn't actually Quinn Perkins. Stephen: What? Abby: Who the hell is she? Olivia: She's our client. That's who she is. That's all I need to tell you. That's all you need to know. She's our client, and she needs our help. Abby: What are we supposed to do? She's covered in blood. Her fingerprints are everywhere. How do you think we're getting her out of here? Huck: I'm gonna want hands covered. Stephen: No way! I am an Officer of the Court. So is Harrison. So is Abby. So is Liv. Abby: Okay, if we're doing this we're destroying all the evidence. You realize what this means, Liv? Harrison: I've been to prison, and I'm not going back. Huck: You were in prison for three days. Harrison: It was prison! Who are you? Olivia: No! Do not. She's our client. Abby: I don't-- Olivia: Hey! No moving. We can't leave her here. Stephen: Okay, I'm gonna want you to say it, because once you say this, there's no going back. The police will never be able to find Gideon's kller. His mrder never gets solved. Olivia: We clean it. Abby: Take 'em or leave 'em? Huck: Did you touch them? Quinn: What? Huck: Did you touch the scissors? Quinn: I pulled them out of his neck. Huck: Take 'em. Quinn: What's happening? Harrison: I think they had sex. Quinn: What's happening? Olivia: Did you sleep with Gideon last night? Quinn: What's happening? Olivia: If you did, your DNA could be on the sheets. We'll need to take them. Did you? Quinn: I don't understand. Harrison: I found some clothes. I think they'll fit. Olivia: I'm gonna need you to change the clothes that you're wearing. Stephen: There's some research here about Amanda Tanner. A laptop computer. We should take it. Quinn: What? Olivia: You'll need to remove your clothes. Abby: Judging by lividity, he's been dad less than two hours. Huck: They had sex and ate grilled cheese. I bagged that, too. Quinn: Can someone-- Harrison: Your clothes-- they're covered in blood. Your shoes, too. I'm gonna need you to take 'em off. Put on this t-shirt and sweatpants. Quinn: Uh Olivia: No moving! Right here. Quinn: What? Olivia: Quinn, I'm sorry, but-- Huck: Please do not spread your DNA any further. Just change right here. Quinn: I don't--I don't understand. Harrison: Look, you have to change, and it has to be now, okay? You're the client. No one's looking. Quinn: These are-- Harrison: Gideon's clothes. I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to put 'em on. Olivia: We ready? Huck: We're good. Olivia: We sure? Huck: We're good. Quinn: What's happening? Stephen: We're cleaning the scene. You were never here. Let's go. Quinn: But we can't just leave him here like that on the floor by himself. We can't j-- Stephen: Do you know what we just did for you?! Do you know what's happening, what this could do to us?! Quinn: He'll be all alone. Operator: 9-1-1? Olivia: Hello. I'm at 2950 prospect street. I'd like to report a mrder. Operator: What? Olivia: A mrder. Huck: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Olivia: What? Huck: Did anybody get his cell phone? Olivia: What? Olivia: His cell phone. Anybody find it? Stephen: We don't need to-- Huck: We need it! Olivia: I already called the police. We have maybe eight minutes before they arrive on the scene. Huck: He's 202 Quinn? Quinn: Uh, 555-0196. Abby: Where is it? Stephen: We're running out of time. Harrison: I got it. It's there. It's in his pocket. Abby: Get it. Harrison: I'm not getting it! Abby: Let's go. WHITE HOUSE - SALLY LANGSTON'S OFFICE Billy: For you, when you get the chance. Sally: Mm. Well, aren't you going to join us for prayer breakfast? Billy: No, I've got a full plate this morning. Mention me in your prayers, though. I'll take all I can get. Sally: Everything okay today, Billy? Billy: Well, why wouldn't it be? I've got the greatest job in the world! Giving a voice to people who don't have one, people who depend on us every day to make this country better for them. We're blessed to be doing what we're doing. Sally: Someone give this man a raise and a pulpit. Billy: Working for you has been reward enough, Madam President. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: All right. Gideon Wallace. What do we know? Abby: The last couple of weeks, he's been working on a story About Amanda Tanner. Harrison: Obviously he got too close to something, got a pair of scissors in the neck for his trouble. Olivia: He figured out who sent her to sleep with the President. Abby: Somebody sent Amanda in to sleep with the President? How do we know that part? Stephen: We just do. Olivia: But how do we just do? Stephen: I don't think it's important. Let's move on. Huck: Gideon made 28 phone calls last night, All D.C. and Virginia area codes. The last call was to the White House switchboard. Harrison: So he was trying to call one of these people. Stephen: "Boyfriend lives in Logan Circle?" Amanda had a boyfriend? Abby: Who works at the White House. Olivia: That's our guy. What about his laptop? Huck: He was on it most of the night looking at video. It's gonna take me a few hours to go through it all. Olivia: Abby and Stephen, call every number on that pad. Harrison, follow up on the addresses. Quinn: I can help. I'd rather be doing something, anything. Let me help. Olivia: You can help by sitting on that chair and not moving. You're the client, Quinn. Let us do our job. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Marvin: At 9:30 this morning, gn erupted outside the Heaven's Rapture compound in Hacklene, Georgia. Three AF agents were wounded, though I can confirm that they're now in sab condition. Crowd: Inaudible questions Marvin: Come on. Come on. Come on. Folks, please. Please. One at a time. It's been a long morning. Yes. Reporter: What course of action can we expect from the President? Billy: It's a crazy world we live in, Ted. Ted: What? Billy: You're gonna want to get this next part loud and clear. Marvin: ... which include Vice President Langston and Attorney General Sawyer, are determined not to use force. Billy: Excuse me. Marvin: That doesn't mean they're not going to, and as to further details ... I can't tell you anything new. Billy: Excuse me. Excuse me. WHITE HOUSE - SITUATION ROOM Woman: We have a couple of options here. If we go in through the back of the compound, that will give us the easiest access To the schoolhouse building. Our satellite images confirm that the adjacent armory ws accessible through an unarmed rooftop doorway. Sally: Holy crap. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Marvin: The President is determined not to use an--Billy? Billy: Sorry about your morning, Marv. It's about to get longer. Good morning, everyone. My name is William David Chambers, And for the past 14 months, I've had the great honor To serve Vice President Sally Langston as her chief of staff, so it is with deep sadness and regret that I will resign my position officially, effective immediately. Now I've prayed long and hard for a solution to the painful situation I find myself in, but ... but I've come up short. Now the Bible tells us, "A false witness will not go unpunished. And he who pours out lies will perish." So I will take what little solace I can this morning by simply telling the truth. And the truth is this: I had an affair with a White House Aide named Amanda Tanner. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Gideon had it narrowed down to 57 male employees in the West Wing Quinn: He's on tv right now. Olivia: I want blood types on everyone. If we cross-match them to the coroner's report-- Harrison: Find Amanda's baby daddy, and Gideon's mrder. Quinn: He's on tv right now. Harrison: (whistles) It's a twofer. Quinn: HE'S ON TV RIGHT NOW! WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Bill: Amanda and I met on the campaign trail two years ago. Uh, we fell in love, and when I learned that she was carrying our child, I planned to propose. So you can imagine my shock and horror when I learned that the President of the United States was abusing his power and privilege to take sexual advantage of Ms. Tanner; when I learned that she klled herself only weeks after sleeping with the President; and when I ... when I found an explicit audiotape that Amanda had made of her sexual encounter in the Oval Office with the President of the United States. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to take them. Reporter 1: Have you spoken to Ms. Tanner's family? Billy: I haven't, but, uh, obviously, my thoughts and prayers are with them and have been all along. Reporter 2: Where did you find the tape? Reporter 3: What does it have on it exactly? Billy: Please guys, one at a time. Reporter 4: Did Amanda Tanner tell you she was seeing the President? Billy: She did. She was very upset about it. She came- WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM Staffer: Red team will take the lead ... Cyrus: (whispers indistinctly) Staffer: ... they will secure all of the children in the compound first, prior to the arrival Of the blue team and intelligence-- WHITE HOUSE EAST WING Mellie: Now what's interesting is, Lincoln never actually ... TV: Have you had a chance to talk with the president? Mellie: ... slept in the Lincoln bedroom. TV (Billy): No, I haven't. I-I don't think the President cares to speak with me right now but uh, if he ever should, the doors always open. TV (Reporter): How did you find the President's sex tape? TV (Billy): I discovered it among Amanda's personal effects. TV (Reporter): So, Billy, you've heard the tape yourself? TV (Billy): Unfortunately, yes. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Billy: Look When you hear the tape, and I-I can promise that you will, I think you will all agree that it is unmistakably President Grant. Reporter: Do you feel the public has a right to hear what's on that tape? Cyrus: You get him down. I don't care how you do it. Why is he still talking? Marvin: All due respect, sir, we need to consider the optics here. Cyrus: Oh, no. Go. Marvin: Forcibly removing the Vice President's Chief of Staff from the press podium is just gonna legitimize ... Cyrus: I want him down now. Marvin: Whatever this-- Cyrus: Now! Now! Billy: Everyone, it looks like That's all the time I have. Marvin: It's been a morning ... Cyrus: You're fired, Marvin. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: ... And it was just minutes ago, Former Vice President Chief of Staff Billy Chambers leveled some truly shocking charges against President Grant. TV (Billy): The President of the United States was abusing his power to take sexual advantage of Ms. Tanner. WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE Mellie: You are letting Billy Chambers run roughshod over everything we've spent the past 15 years working for! Fitz: I am not! I am trying to figure out what to do! The best thing, the best way to-- Mellie: Get out there and tell them you didn't do it! Right now. Walk outside. Tell the press you never touched her, you don't even know which girl they're talking about. Fitz: That would be a lie. Mellie: Then lie! Fitz: I can't. Mellie: Why the hell not? Fitz: Because I'm not you, Mellie. The American people put their trust in me. I've already let them down. I'm not willing to lie to them on top of it. Mellie: Ohh. You don't want to save yourself, fine. You're on your own! WHITE HOUSE FRONT GATES Morris: It's about time they brought you in. They need the big gn on this one. Olivia: But I can't make any promises. Morris: Hey, in all my years here, he's the only President who's made a point to ask about my wife and kids. You do your best, Ms. Pope. WHITE HOUSE LAWN Reporter: All right, guys. Let's go. Reporter: Okay, let's go back and take it from the top. Reporter: All right, Henry. We're going live. Reporter 1: Only deafening silence from the White House in response to the allegations. Reporter 2: Details are starting to emerge about Amanda Tanner ... Reporter 3: While the female voice on the tape can't be determined at this time, we can clearly hear the President saying the words "take off your clothes." WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: You know, in Vegas you can bet on political candidates. Before I brought you on board, the odds on Grant for President were listed at 70 to 1. Olivia: You should have put money down. You didn't. Cyrus: Won enough for a nice vacation I'll never take. Think we could do it again, The impossible? Olivia: Or we go down trying. Olivia: You publish President Grant's political obituary, and you will eat those words for the rest of your days, Tom. Cyrus: I'm just asking you to keep the damn caucuses at bay until I get you talking points. Olivia: Well, that's why! You should wait for the whole story. Do you want to owe your readers an entire apology? Fitz: Everyone. Olivia: No, it happens. Cyrus: Yeah. No. There are a lot of-- Fitz: Everyone! Olivia: Hold on. Fitz: I need the room. Cyrus, Olivia, stay. Olivia: I'm gonna need to call you back, Tom. But you are to make no decisions without talking to me first. Clear? Got it? Thank you. Cyrus: I have to call you back. Fitz: Catch me up. Oliva: Billy's making the rounds. Networks are wall-to-wall with this. Majors broke into daytime and trotted out the big gn. We need a statement from you, on camera, preferably with Mellie by your side. Fitz: That ship's sailed. She's taking the kids to Santa Barbara for ... a while. Cyrus: Fine. You alone from the Oval. A flat denial. Fitz: I'm not lying about this, Cy. Anyway, a cover-up's always worse than the truth. Olivia: Well, we don't have enough truth yet. There's more to this story. I'm sending you to Georgia. Milk the end of the cult standoff. It will buy us some time. Cyrus: He'll look like he's running from this. Olivia: He'll look Presidential. We need you business as usual, focused on what's important for the country. Wave as you walk out to Marine One. Remember, you're not dodging; you're working. We'll let that image speak for us until we figure out what Billy's up to. Cyrus: Yeah. Fitz: I never thought it would be one of our own trying to sink us. D.C. TV STUDIO Billy: Look, I can speculate all day long as to why the most powerful man in the world would want to throw it all away for some tawdry affair, but I think we should let President Grant speak for himself. Reporter: Here it is, folks. Your President. Tape (Fitz): Take off your clothes. OUTSIDE HEAVEN'S RAPTURE COMPOUND; HACKLENE, GA Reporter: Mr. President. Did you have sexual relations with Amanda Tanner? Reporter: Was Mellie aware of the affair? Reporter: Is Billy Chambers telling the truth? Fitz: We've been focused on protecting the innocent children caught In the middle of this terrible ordeal. Thankfully, no lives were lost. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Olivia: No President has done more to put women at the forefront of his administration. Cyrus: Oh, okay. Yeah. Like hell you will, Senator. Olivia: Your organization endorsed him in the election ... Cyrus: Okay, fine. We can switch from frenemies to enemies. I'm flexible ... Olivia: ... and I need you to stand firm. Yes! Cyrus: ... I'm easy, you stupid, ungrateful son of a bitch. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: How bad? Olivia: Internal flash poll has us down 25-28 approval with 67% answering "Yes" to the question of whether the President should resign. Cyrus: We gotta rein this in. Olivia: There's only one person that may be capable of that right now. WHITE HOUSE - COURTYARD Sally: So you think Billy Chambers is the problem, and I'm somehow the solution? Fitz: Let's not be coy with one another, Sally. Billy's your boy. Are you really saying you had-- Sally: No idea. Absolutely not. You saw me when I read that letter. I was as shocked as you were, Mr. President. Now whatever menage a trois you and Billy Chambers have got going on with that poor dad girl, I have nothing to do with and I want nothing to do with. Now I offer to keep you both in my prayers, and remain a humble servant to both God and my President. In that order. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Finger Billy for Gideon's mrder, his whole story unravels. It all goes away. Stephen: You save the Presidency. Huck: And get justice for Amanda Tanner. Abby: There's no security camera in Gideon's building. I checked his neighbors, the local shops. Nobody places Billy Chambers at the scene. Harrison: And all physical evidence of the crime is gone, thanks to us. Abby: We should know what we're doing this for. Protecting no-name in there. Harrison: Shh. Abby: Come on. I know that she just lost her boyfriend, but the girl could be a serial kller, and we're breaking the law for her. We broke the law for her. Huck: Olivia hired her. Olivia knows who she is. That makes her worth protecting. David: Hi, guys. Whatcha doin'? You all look like you've got your thinking caps on. Wouldn't be about that crime scene you cleaned up, would it? Stephen: You can't just barge in here without a warrant. David: And you can't just steal evidence, so let's just call it even. Abby: What are you talking about? David: Where's Quinn Perkins? A neighbor saw her going into Gideon Wallace's place the night he was klled. Is that why you cleaned up the scene? His personal items were all gone. A little odd to find a journalist without a Blackberry glued to his hand, even a dad one. Okay, I just need to make a quick (cell phone ringing) ... You need to turn off the ringer when you steal a phone. Detective Marsh, find that phone. Take it into evidence. Detective: Okay. David: This is fun. What's Quinn's number? Quinn: I'm right here. Stephen: Give Harrison a dollar. Quinn: What? Stephen: Just do it. He's now your lawyer. You don't have to tell them anything. Harrison: We do this in your office, not downtown. No booking. David: Fine with me. Let's go. Quinn: No fingerprints, right? Harrison: No fingerprints. MENS BATHROOM Billy: I'm surprised you made it through all the press out there. I've lost count of how many interviews I've given over the last few days. I know you didn't come in here to use the men's room. You might as well say it. Olivia: You're a mrder. Billy: I am not proud of that. Hell, I-I didn't think I'd get away with it. I didn't hear from the police, so I asked around and heard that they didn't find a single fingerprint, not even the mrder wapon. Some angel cleaned up the crime scene. Olivia: What the hell happened to you? Billy: Look, I know what I did, okay? I made a mistake. A big one, and I'm gonna be judged for it. But he should be judged for what he's done, too. He took advantage of that girl, of you. He took advantage of the whole damn country. He betrayed the very people who elected him. Good, honest, God-fearing people elected that man to office, and he promised things to us! And he didn't deliver on any of it. I mean, come on, Liv, the whole country's going off the rails. Olivia: I don't think that defense is gonna work in court, Billy. Billy: By the time I'm in jail, Sally Langston will be President. And she is going to be the finest President this country has ever known, and that's all that matters. I got Chris Matthews waiting. US DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Why don't you start by telling me how you know Gideon Wallace? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: All right. Why were you at Gideon Wallace's apartment? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: Okay, fine. We'll start with the basics. Quinn, state your name for the record. Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: Here I thought your boss was the biggest pain in the ass in D.C. Speak of the devil. Olivia: David, new shirt? I like it. David: What the hell's going on, Liv? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. Olivia: Yeah, I do. David: So the Vice President's Chief of Staff convinced Amanda Tanner to seduce the President of the United States ... Olivia: Yes. David: And then he abducted her from your apartment and klled her when she wouldn't go through with the intense media scrutiny her accusations would bring, dumping her body in the river for my people to find? Olivia: Well, he contracted out, but, yes, Billy had her klled. David: He then went on to mrder a reporter who was presumably quite close to figuring out what he was up to? Olivia: Yes. David: A reporter who was also sleeping with one of your employees, whose presence at the crime scene your associates erased all evidence of, thereby rendering the first-degree mrder Of an innocent 29-year-old man all but unsolvable. Olivia: Yes. David: Well, I did say I wanted to know. Olivia: David, I know this is crazy. David: I believe you, oddly enough. Olivia: Then help me. Put on your white hat and go after Billy Chambers with whatever you think you can make stick. He's a mrder, so do some digging. Find some evidence. Make some evidence. Give him a parking ticket. Whatever it takes to get him down here. Get some justice for Amanda Tanner and Gideon Wallace, please. David: No. Olivia: No? David: I am the law, the law is me, and I might bend it from time to time, but I don't break it for you or anyone else. Olivia: But you said you believed me. David: I do, and if you had left me any evidence to build a case against Billy Chambers, that's what I'd be doing. But you broke the law, so get out of my office before I have you arrested for tampering with a crime scene. Quinn Perkins is a material witness to a mrder, and as such, she stays with me. The law, Olivia. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: What do we do? What's next? Olivia: I get up there and say it's me on the tape. Cyrus: That's ridiculous. What-- what does that even do for us? Olivia: He's not tied to a girl's su1c1de. It's not perfect, but it takes care of the impeachment problem. Cyrus: Oh, wonderful, so now we've got a slutty President problem? He slept with two women. I'm sorry. I just ... Maybe there's another option we're not seeing here. Fitz: There is. I could resign. We all know how this goes. The prosecutor is appointed. Every single person in the west wing is deposed. This thing is a circus that's gonna go on For the next three years. I'll wear it around my neck Until the end of my term. My hands will be tied. I'll be lucky if I can get a parks and rec bill passed. Let's put the country out of its misery, end it now. Cyrus: And then what? Fitz: We go be regular people, Cy. Cyrus: You can't be a regular person. We--we can't. We're not ... I ... I can't adopt a baby! Olivia: I'm so sorry. Fitz: I'm not. I'm not. A man who isn't President has options. A man who isn't President can divorce his wife. Olivia: Fitz. Fitz: A man who isn't President can have a life. The life he wants, the life he's always wanted with the woman he loves. Olivia: The cameras. Fitz: I don't care. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY Cyrus: Of all the paintings in the White House this one is my favorite. Alexander Hamilton-- as brilliant a political thinker as any man or woman who has ever walked these halls, but he wasn't the President. Washington was the President. He was the winner, but Hamilton could pick a winner. He knew who the country needed when they needed it. I don't doubt that he could do it. Live the normal life he's always wanted-- walk the dog, mow the lawn-- a simple life, a happy life. For most people, that's fine. It's all they need. For him, it's a waste of talent, of potential. That man was born to be a leader. He was born to do this. Anything less would diminish him and deprive this country. He can talk all he wants about a regular life. Some men aren't meant to be happy. They're meant to be great. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I got this. Stephen: I've been screwing around on Georgia. I don't want to lie anymore. I'm gonna tell her the truth, and then she'll break off the engagement. I tried, Liv. I leapt. You said if I tried and failed, tt was not on me. You were wrong. I cheated. It is on me. And it's on you, too. It's always on you. You can't do this. You can't have him. Olivia: Normal is overrated. Olivia: Abby, Stephen, dust off my campaign file for Sally Langston. We need ammniton-- big, small, anything you can find. Dig deep and dig fast. Huck, I need the First Lady's schedule for the next 12 hours. I'm gonna need to see her alone. Find me a window. Harrison, check back with Quinn. Make sure David's behaving himself. Huck: Liv. Billy Chambers-- I can take care of that. Olivia: Take care of? Huck: If you want me to, it's no problem. Olivia: Huck, I do not want you to kll Billy Chambers. Huck: Okay, that's cool. Whatever. Olivia: Promise me. Huck: I promise. Olivia: Say, "I promise not to kll Billy Chambers." Huck: I promise not to kll Billy Chambers. WHITE HOUSE - RESIDENCE Mellie: I'm gonna need to talk to the nanny. She can fly the kids out once a month until school is out in D.C. I also need you to call ahead and make sure both the main house and the beach cottage are ready. I'll be spending at least some of the weekends at the cottage. Tom: Ma'am, you have a visitor. Mellie: Thank you. Olivia: He's talking about resigning. Mellie: You must love that. Olivia: This isn't about me. Mellie: Really? Seems like my whole marriage is about you. Olivia: Mellie, he can't resign. I'm sure we can make some kind of deal. Mellie: I try to be pleasant. I try to be ... I'm the First Lady. There are sacrifices. There's a price. And for a time, that was fine. You and I wanted the same thing-- Fitz in the Oval. We were on the same team, you and I, and everything was fine. I just don't understand what happened. Olivia: What happened? Mellie: You let that girl get into his pants! You left the team, Liv! You fell down on the job! You broke his heart, And you left him open and vulnerable and helpless! And that is how that snake Billy Chambers got that shiny red Amanda apple right into Fitz's hand. I do my job. I smile, and I push him, and I make sure he has what he needs. I do my job. Why couldn't you do yours? You want to deal? Fine. Let's deal. For starters, I'm gonna need to take my husband back, because clearly I have to do everything myself from now on. WASHINGTON D.C. PARK Huck: Ahem. Charlie: I'm going to New Mexico. I am, I promise. It's just my car's in the shop. It's getting a tune-up. Huck: You can't go just yet. Charlie: I gave you the girl. That was the deal. Huck: That wasn't a deal. I tortured it out of you, but thank you. Very helpful. Huck: The guy who hired you-- Billy Chambers-- He's talking an awful lot. Right now it's just about the White House, but at some point, he may talk about you. Charlie: He can talk all he wants. He-- he didn't hire me for that job. Huck: You see, Charlie, you're honorable. You would never give up Billy, but Billy may not be as honorable. Charlie: Why don't you do it? Huck: I can't. I gave my word. Oh, and we're gonna need a su1c1de note. Something sad, that says he's a liar. Charlie: And then you'll leave me alone? Huck: Yeah. on a personal note, I think it would be a big boost for your confidence. I can tell that's taken a bit of a ht since I last saw you. US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Quinn: I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present. David: You need his permission to eat? You must be hungry. Quinn: Hot. David: Turns out I don't even need to question you anymore. Olivia told me everything-- Amanda, Billy Chambers, the whole shebang. Quinn: So, why am I still here? David: Because there's one thing she didn't tell me. Why? Quinn: Why? David: Why you called Olivia and not the police? Why her people would clean up a crime scene they obviously want to be investigated? Why everyone, and I do mean everyone, seems to be so invested in making sure Quinn Perkins has nothing to do with any of this? I need to know what's really going on, so you can tell me what would happen if I sent you down to booking; or I can take the prints from this fork, and we can just go ahead and find out. It's your choice. WHITE HOUSE - RESIDENCE Fitz: I thought you left for Santa Barbara. Mellie: I was on my way, but Olivia convinced me I was needed here. We've come up with what we feel is A solid plan of counterattack in the media. Oh, and we also figured out who the woman on the tape is. Fitz: Oh? Mellie: It was me. At least, that's what we'll tell "20/20" when they arrive to interview us in about ... What time did you set that up for again, Liv? Olivia: 5:30. We have about an hour. Mellie: Mm, and when I tell them it was you and me on the tape, I will also share my outrage about the replaying of our private moment in such a public, reckless, and irresponsible manner by the gossip-hungry, left-leaning, mainstream media. And how upsetting its been for our family, especially at such a fragile time, given that I'm newly pregnant. Liv suggested we remain vague on the exact timing. It's none of their business. Plus, that gives us a few weeks' buffer to actually get pregnant. We'll have to start trying right away, of course. Fitz: Of course. Mellie: Well, Olivia can fill you in on the details. Like I always say, if you've got a problem, get Olivia Pope on it. You could look a little happier, honey. We did just save your Presidency. Well I'm off to hair and makeup. Fitz: This is insane. We are not doing this. Olivia: It's the only way. Fitz: What are you thinking? Who are you right now? Olivia: The woman who got you elected. So go be the man I voted for. Aide: You're all set, sir. Fitz: Thanks. You can put this one at the top of your resume. Truly a masterpiece. The one interview that fixed it all. Olivia: Not all of it is fixed. There's still Billy Chambers' credibility, but this should take care of that. It's Cyrusapproved. Cyrus: We're ready for you, Mr. President. Olivia: Lean forward during the denials of the affair. Keep your eyes on Mellie when she's talking. Fitz: I know how to fake it with my wife. You taught me well. WHITE HOUSE GATES TV (Mellie): I was outraged. How could someone do that? Morris: Ms. Pope, you did it again. Olivia: The President has a great team. Morris: Nah. Don't give me that. Listen, I don't exactly know what you do or how you do it, but when you walk through these gates, things start happening. The press starts falling in line, the Secret Service gets extra secret, and the problems - they just kinda disappear. And when you go back out, everyone's breathing a little bit easier. Olivia: Good night, Morris. TV (Fitz): This has been very difficult for us; for the whole country. The best thing for everyone would be if we can move past this painful distraction and focus on the issues that really matter, don't you agree? WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Sally: I saw the interview. I thought that you and the First Lady were very polished in the face of all that, very poised. Fitz: Thanks for coming, Sally. Have a seat. Sally: I thought she handled herself beautifully. Difficult situation for her, I'm sure, having to listen to ... Well I can't even imagine. May I speak candidly, sir? Fitz: Why stop now? Sally: I don't think it's gonna be enough. I think it's wonderful the First Lady is standing by you, but I don't think The American people are gonna be so quick to follow in Mellie's lead. Fitz: And that's exactly why I need you to show them the way, Sally. Sally: Sir? Fitz: I want you to hold a press conference tomorrow. I want you to express your shock and dismay over the actions of Billy Chambers. I want you to condemn his allegations as baseless and false. And I want you to tell the nation that you support your President. Sally: Well, now I'm just afraid that dog won't hunt. Fitz: We need to think about what's best for the country. About the sab of our economy. We have a duty that goes beyond our ideological differences. Focusing on my sex life is bad for the nation. It's bad for the White House, and it's bad for you. Our first female President ought to be elected by the will of the people, not by some ugly back-door political agenda. Sally: Mr. President, I have based my whole career, my whole public life, on my values. Strong, conservative, Christian values. And I know that might seem naive to you and your Ivy League crowd, I know what you say about me behind closed doors, but those are my beliefs. They are not accessories I put on to win votes. So if you think you can treat me like some religious lunatic sideshow act who will drop everything she believes for political expediency, you have gravely misjudged me. Fitz: You know what? I think I have. Now how old was your Cassidy last spring? 14, 13? They grow up so fast. Anyway, we know she wasn't 18, because Georgia requires parental notification for a minor to obtain an abortion. That must have been awful, for you and Dan to get that call. It brings to mind the Gospel of John. Something about he who is without sin casting the first rock. Or stone. I don't know. You know it better than I do. Thanks, Sally. That will be all. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV (Sally): It's sad, Matt. You work with someone for years, you think you know the kind of man they are. Billy Chambers is just a huge disappointment. If I had any inkling that the man that worked by my side for all these years ... Well God's honest truth, I would have done everything in my power to send him away, to send him away from my house ... BILLY CHAMBERS' APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY Billy: Where's all the press today, George? Are they sleeping in? TV (Sally): ... From my precious family. I just think that the man is sick in the head, and I just pray that Billy gets the help that he needs. Because these malicious lies he's been spreading-- They're ridiculous. Well, I just thank God that we have a leader like President Grant to take us through this difficult and trying time. I believe that this country was founded on truth and justice and plain old fairness. Charlie: Oh, oh! Hold the elevator. Oh. There you go. Billy: What floor? Charlie: Oh, you first. CYRUS AND JAMES' HOUSE James: Is there a wr going on, Cy? Cyrus: There's always a w*r in the world, James. You know that. James: Fine, but you said the latest one, the bad one, the nuclear one? The one that's taken you away every single weekend for the past month, is over. Cyrus: It is. It's finally over. James: Then why is your work colleague at our front door on Sunday morning? I will send him back here. Cyrus: I'll make it up to you. I promise. James: I want a baby, a fat, drooling, smushy baby. Cyrus: Let's start with dinner and a movie. James: A baby, Cy. I mean it. A fat one! Charlie: Sorry to bother you on a Sunday. Cyrus: Now, Charlie, I thought I was clear. You know the rules. Charlie: I do. I know. I'm, uh, you have been very clear, and normally I wouldn't come by the house like this. It's just, uh, I have to leave town, so you're gonna need to wire the rest of the money for the girl. Amanda. Cyrus: Fine. You'll have it tomorrow. Charlie: Thanks. OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: I ran her prints. Don't worry. I did it myself, which is a good thing, because otherwise there would be about half a dozen US Agencies looking for her. I'm breaking the law bringing her here. I don't break the law, Olivia. Olivia: Do you want to tell them who you are, or should I?	{"type": "series", "show": "Scandal", "episode": "01x07 - Grant: For The People"}	foreverdreaming
(Birds chirp) (Doorbell rings) (Footsteps echo) (Doorbell rings) (Footstep clomp) (Doorbell rings twice, quickly) (Doors creaks open) Immigration? Revenue agent: Revenue. Missus Rose! There are people here from the government! (Rushed footsteps thud) (Moira screams shrilly) I've been gutted! John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life! Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?! Eli was family, for God's sake! Leave your finances to me, he said! Son of a bitch! Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just like, taking our stuff! I said, they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, ple... Hold on, hold on! Those bags are not for you, my boyfriend bought those for me, so, theoretically, they are his! Revenue agent 1: Please sir, can you step aside? David: No, you step aside! You step aside! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life! Destroy another person's life! Where are you taking that?! My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom, no one's coming to save me! Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals, can we pick up the pace?! Moira: No, no! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other! Nooooo! Nooooo! (Sobbing) Lawyer: Eli really did a number, Johnny. He took everything. They're still looking for him, they think he's in the Caymans. He was our business manager, he's supposed to pay taxes! Hmm. There is a very small amount set aside for you, and one asset the government has allowed you to retain. The kids. Lawyer: The children are dependents, Moira. You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny. Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son. Wait, you actually purchased that town? Yes, I purchased the town, how else could I get the deed? Alexis: You could've photo shopped the deed! David: And saved the money! Why would I Photoshop a deed, the joke was owning the town! Moira: Okay, stop. Johnny: That was the joke! David: Oh my God! Johnny: Well, that was the joke! Lawyer: To Johnny's credit... This town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while. Moira: What do you mean? You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet. I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into, please, there are other options. Well, homelessness is still on the table. ♪ Alexis: The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors, who smelled like yams! There was nowhere to lie down! There was nowhere to lie down, there was no bed! There was no kitchen. I know! No. I don't know what to tell you, there's like, cows all over the place, like, everywhere. I don't know if there's even a station, I don't know what's happening! (Clears throat) Johnny Rose! Roland Schitt. Oh, you're the mayor we're supposed to meet. That's right, I'm the mayor, so if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine! (Chortles) Oh, this is my family, my son... Let's get you all squared away in the office there, Johnny, okay, the gals can grab the bags, you follow me, all right, right this way, watch it, honey, here we come. Alexis: The "Cheaters" marathon we watched, it's like that. Moira: Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently in hell, there's no bellman! Alexis: David, what are we... David: Shut up! Alexis: You shut up! David: You shut up! Alexis: Um, you shut up! David: You shhhut up! The name is Rose. I don't see a reservation under that name. It's okay, Stevie, I set aside two rooms for them. Well, there's nothing here. Well okay, fine, just book 'em in with two rooms, these people own the town; They're big deals. We'll need three rooms, minimum. Roland: Ooh, no can do, honey. Look, we have a one room comp policy here, and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so... What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites? This guy! Um... No, this is a motel, so we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers. Moira: Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room any room! I just want a bathtub, and a long extension cord, please. Roland: There you go, ma'am. (Suitcases and boxes thud) It smells like a gym bag. Moira: Does anyone else feel light headed? Roland: Oh my God, this takes me back to high school. You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place. Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up! Okay, that's good. Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! David: Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh hey, chief, the other room's right through there. (Keys jingle) Here you go. (Relaxed grunt) Moira: And there's the bed, I should probably pull off that cover, and... burn it. Roland: All right. Good, Roland, thank you very much, appreciate everything, uh... T.V. announcer: ... Have a ball in the land down under! Ever wanna ride a kangaroo? Okay. (Changing channels) Alexis: Okay. Okay. David: Oof! Alexis: Okay, okay. (Giggles) Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay. Okay. I love you! Oh, okay, well, it looks like you got all the channels except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why. Well, the thing is we won't be watching a lot of television, but again, thank you, I don't want to keep you, I know you're a busy man. (Static hisses) (Gasps) (Muffled retch) Whoa! (Door creaks) Hi. Can I help you? David: I'm looking for an extra towel, Stevie: Okay... And this might be a stupid question, considering the state of the rugs in our room, but do you have a business centre here? Yes, we do have a business center. You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the hammam spa. Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it? David: Thank you, no, just the towel, thanks. I'll get those right out. (gn, dramatic music on television) Well Roland, once again, thank you for giving us the lay of the land here, but we have some serious unpacking to do. Oh, sure! Johnny: If you don't mind. No problem there, Johnny, I don't mind helpin' out. Listen, one thing before I go here, um... Do you mind if I use your toilet? Moira: Is it absolutely necessary? Roland: Uh, yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary! (Laughs) Excuse me. Absolutely necessary. Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean! (Chuckles) David: I need that bed. Alexis: Why? David: Because I need it. Alexis: Why? Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to mrder us, they would attck this bed first, so I need this bed. So you're saying that you want me to get mrder first?! In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out... On the floor?! Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah. Alexis: Okay. Well, you can have the bed when I leave. David: Well, where are you going? Alexis: Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that. What do you mean Stavros is com... What do you mean? When? When is he doing that? Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane. Well, where are we going? Okay, at present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point. What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?! Um, David, it will be four months next month! Oh my God! And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so... That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them? Alexis: No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity. Okay, otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong, and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that. Well, I need this bed! I need it, so. You know what, David?! You get mrder first for once! No, you get mrder first! David, you get mrder first! David: No, you! You do it! Alexis: Yes, you get mrder first! David, you get mrder first! (Door creaks open) I actually think this place is kinda cute. Moira: Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute. David: Where's that weird man? Where? He's in the bathroom. He... he won't leave! Well, he's been in there for a very long ti... Oh my God! Oh my God! (Toilet flushes) Roland: Jeez. Um... Boy. Remind me to get that window fixed. It will not open. Roland, listen, thank you very much, but I appreciate everything you've done, we need a little private time now, as a family. Sure, well actually, those curtains do close there so... Oh, look! You've got Channel 19! Roland, could you get the fck out?! T.V. announcer: This latest model is a revelation in innovation. I am not lying folks, it's gonna last you a lifetime. You are gonna thank... (TV clicks off) That was an overreaction. That was uncalled for. It's just... you know, we're a little tired, it's been a long day, there's a pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off on most of us right now, and I just think as a family, we just need a little time to chill. Johnny, please, you don't have to apologize, and you really don't have to ht me over the head with this sort of thing, I get it, you need your little family time and all that, I'm sure. No problem. You know what I'll do, I'll um... I'll just get the fck out of here. (Door slams, shade rattles forcefully) David: Ugh, we have to eat in here?! Alexis: I think it's kinda sweet. Alexis, what's going on with you? Alexis: What do you mean? Moira: Seriously?! The room was "cute," this place is "sweet." David: I am personally offended by this place, I don't know what you think is nice about it. Moira: The town is disgusting. It is gruesome. Alexis: It is charming, it is quaint, it's like out of a storybook. Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?! Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me, and I am going to go live with him for a little bit. Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! Oh, hello! Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy. Super crappy? I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything. Hm... not quite the same. Yeah, no, he went to prison, which is terrible, but... But he is learning Spanish, no mas, le duele! I think it means, "stop, it hurts." Oh, wonderful anecdote. Could you give us a moment please? Whenever you're ready, I'm just right over here. I forbid you to abandon our family. I am a grown woman, mother. This is an act of a spoiled child! I think it's unforgivable! Alexis: I think that you're just super jealous, 'cause I'm getting out of here! Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow. David: Don't do that! Johnny: Kids, stop, stop! Moira: The world is falling apart around us John, and I'm dying inside. Johnny: Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself. Oh, brisket! David: Give me... some spale! Alexis: David! Moira: John... Moira: Oh my God! Alexis: Umm... These rooms did have doors, didn't they? Yeah, it's a hotel, they're hotel rooms! It's a motel! These are motel rooms. What if they took our stuff?! David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take. I have stuff! Son of a bitch! (Door slams) Yeah, I've got a problem. If this is about doors... Yeah, it's about doors, yeah, my doors are gone, my front door, somebody stole my doors! Stevie: Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to Roland about that. He lives just down the street, you make a left out of the motel and then another left. It's a house with a truck in the driveway. There's a bumper sticker of a naked Helen Mirren. (Moira screams) Oh my God, no! No! No! Alexis: What?! Ah! My earrings! They were there. They're not there! David: Where did they go? I don't know! I don't know! First you thrat to abandon me, and now my precious diamonds are gone! Okay, you are super dramatic right now. Shut up and look for them! (Shrieks) (Whimpers, shrieks) (Screaming repeatedly) (Screams) (Sobbing hysterically) Get open! (Dog barks) Johnny: Roland, I see you behind the truck! Yeah, of course you see me. I'm looking at my gravel. Gravel these days, what are you gonna do? Johnny: Yeah, it's gravel. Roland: Yeah, it's gravel! Hey, good news for you. I talked to a guy about that bathroom window. That's the least of my concerns right now! Oh really? Well, why don't we address your concerns?! The doors! I want my doors back! Roland: Oh! Johnny: Before it gets dark! My son is afraid of moths. Oh, hmm. Well, here's the thing about that Johnny, you see, you did a bad thing. You disrespected me in front of your family! And now they think less of me. I doubt that's possible. And to be honest, you were kinda breathing down our necks a little bit back at the motel. Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room. And he said to me, "Roland, privacy is earned." I am having a tough time following that. What the hell does that have to do with privacy? Nothing. I just got mad, and I took your doors. Look, if you took offense to anything I said back at the motel, just know it wasn't personal. All right, apology accepted. Well, that was less of an apology, and more of an explanation. Nevertheless, I accept your apology. Which it wasn't! So thank you again for that apology. Well, there was no apology, and I can't do this anymore! You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, and that takes a big man to do that, and that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man! Ooh! Moira: Oh! (Banging) Hello! Hello! Hi, hello, come here, please. I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today? No crackheads, no... While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings. But it was just... but it was just you here today. Stevie: It was. Moira: It was. I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today? I think I know where you're going with this. No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen. Are you asking me if I stole your earrings? No, I would never, please! But I also would certainly never press charges if my earrings were suddenly to be returned. If they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back I would not press charges, I would look the other way. Okay, you know what? I gotta run. 'Cause I wanna ht the pawn shop before it closes. I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so. You seem like you have this under control, though. David: What just happened?! Moira: David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop! David: What?! I need a towel! Hello, hi. Hi, I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something. Stevie: It's fine. Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds out of spite, or something? I won't be cleaning your room. Okay, can I ask you a question? sh**t. I think you're kind of rude! Is that a question? I have asked you thrice now for a towel, so that I may wash this town off my body. Do you think I wanna be here? Do you think I wanna be here?! I don't know what you want, you've given me one word answers since I got here! So if I get you a towel you'll stop following me to my car? Yes! Yes! Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment. The man is a lunatic! What the hell happened here? We've been robbed. Right now some local is pawning my earrings for crank. Johnny: Your diamonds?! Moira: Yes, my diamonds, the one thing I could hide under my tongue. Moira, I took your earrings out of here, and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping. Alexis: No! No! (Anguished sob) Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he's not coming! He said he doesn't have time to come and get me, because he already rsvp'd to Diddy's white party, and doesn't have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the white party! Alexis, he was never my favourite Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my sixtieth. Just out of sheer curiosity, um, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it... You're a dick, David! David: Oh, I'm a dick! Okay, did I dump you for a party?! Johnny: David, help me with the doors. No I can't, I just got out of the shower. I need help with the doors. David: Oh my God! Alexis: David, help him with the doors! David: You help him with the doors! Alexis: No! David, could you help me with the doors?! It's air drying! Pick up a hammer, and nail this coffin shut! As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time that he gave me his ex wife's engagement ring? And then, last summer, that time that he left his Molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested? Oh my God! Can you do me a huge favour? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay? David: Okay? Okay. Alexis: Okay. Kids, we just came in to say good night, and to remind you that we will get through this... David: Okay, good night! Johnny: As a family... David: Warmest regards to you both. And that will end up on our feet in no time! Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless, and filthy and mangled, from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles. So, seriously Alexis, enough about Stavros! I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! David: You're going through something?! Moira: Good night, children. Johnny: Good night! David: Good night. Alexis: (Tearfully) Good night. Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up.	{"type": "series", "show": "Schitt's Creek", "episode": "01x01 - The Cup Runneth Over"}	foreverdreaming
(Car door slams) Johnny: So, this is the town limits? Ray: Yes sir, 4,500 acres that ends right here at the town sign. And it's all yours, Johnny, it must be a nice feeling, considering you don't have a lot right now. You know, because of the crooked business manager. You know, the money scandal... Yes, I know, I know, I know, Ray. What the hell is this?! Ray: The town sign. Johnny: Is this the real sign, or the joke sign? Ray: What do you mean? Johnny: You don't see anything wrong with this? The man! Standing awfully close to that woman, wouldn't you say? Johnny: Well, he's holding on to her so she doesn't fall into the creek. Johnny: Look a little closer, Ray. Ray: Well, it need a little sprucing up. Johnny: Sprucing up?! Ray: It's very popular, people come from all over to take a picture with it. Johnny: I'll bet they do! You know what? This is coming down! Ray: That's the mayor's family up there! The sign's been here over forty years. Johnny: And you wonder why this place won't sell? Oh, I think I see it now. His shoulders are too big. Johnny: Get in the car, Ray. (Door creaks open) Moira? Boy, we've got our work cut out for us. But I've seen worse. It's not a problem. Moira? Moira: (Slurred) They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant! L.A. is irrelevant... I am relevant! "Good riddance," is what they said. Oh, who said that, sweetheart? Moira: I don't know! They're no name commentors. Tormentors. Are we having a bad day, honey? Moira: Anonymous. Ominous. That'll be fine, thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a gratuity right now. Alexis: So, that guy from the other night. He's not for me, right? David: What guy? That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't like, a spark or anything. You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can? Yeah, that one. Have you seen your mother today? Um yeah, she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet. And you didn't say anything?! I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something. Johnny: Yeah, she googled herself again, now she's having one of her "things." How bad is it? Johnny: How bad is it? A solid seven. It's not an eight, which seems manageable for you. Johnny: Well, except I've got a few things I have to take care of, so I need you two to go in, and take... No, I did Saint-Tropez, so. David: And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice. Johnny: And I'm trying to sell this town. So, if you kids want any chance of getting out of here, you'll help me out, and go in and look after your mother! Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today. Johnny: Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother! And don't let her out of your sight, okay? We don't want her detonating in public! Alexis: I know! Though it is kind of fun to watch, though. Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car. What's that? David: Eye cream. Johnny: From where? David: From Paris. How did you pay for it? David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working. Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! I see, and how are you gonna pay for it? David: I don't think you understand, I already have it. Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job, so you can pay for the cream from Paris! Okay well, tell that to the bags under my eyes, then. Johnny: And right after you tell your next joke, I want you to go down to the front desk, and ask what's-her-name... Stevie. Johnny: Where you can get a job around here! All right? I'm in the middle getting rid of an x-rated sign, before it scares off the few buyers we might actually have! Okay, I'll get on that. Johnny: You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job! (Door slams) You just need to relax, because it's not like your boyfriend left you for a Scandinavian flight attendant! What kind of name is Kika anyway? I'm the one that should be in the closet right now, not you. Moira: Help me out. Moira: Help me! Alexis: Okay! Moira: Oh, shhh! My foot's fallen asleep. Hey, shall we see what they're saying about you and Stavros? Alexis: No! Moira: It's not my idea! Moira: You were a couple of doe eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas! Alexis: You know what I think we should do? I think we should go get something to eat, because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay? Moira: You know what I think? Alexis: What? (Snorts like a pig) You date pigs. Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit. Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true! Alexis: And because you gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning. Moira: I was hungry! But I could still eat. (Stapler clicks) David: Hi, um... question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you... suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it? Stevie: No, no bulletin board... What kind of job are you looking for? David: Um, something in like, art curating, or trend forecasting. Stevie: Oh, okay... um, hmmm, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating, or trend forecasting, that's weird. David: Okay. Um, do you have any other skills or areas of expertise? I've been told I have really good taste. Oh, well, that's good. Um, let's see... Oh! Bag boy at the grocery store. I don't know what that is. You put groceries in bags, so that people can carry their groceries out of the grocery store. Okay, and how much do you think that would pay? Mmm, I'm gonna say minimum wage. Johnny: Which is what, forty, forty-five something an hour? Mmm-hmm, exactly. David: Okay. Okay! Um, well, something to think about. For sure, thank you. Stevie: You're welcome. Moira: I would like two apple fritters, sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy and bacon! Alexis: Okay, so, she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you. Moira: And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream! Actually, none of that, and I will have a tea, thank you. Okay. Um, Mrs. Rose, are you okay? You seem a bit... Alexis: Mm-hmm, she's fine. Moira: I'm fine. (Bell on door jingles) Alexis: Um... Hey! Stay here, okay? Don't move! Oh wow, I'm really bored. Hey! Hey! Hey you! Hey! Hey, so I just wanted to be clear about what happened the other night. The reason that I let you kiss me. Um, you kissed me. Yeah, no, I can see how that would be confusing, but I just wanted to let you know that that was just me going through some stuff. Cool. Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or? Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting? Yeah, no, I... I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange. I'm gonna go. Alexis: Okay, great, I'm glad that we could clear this up. ♪ Bob: Speak of the devil. Good morning. Ray! Hi. Ray: Hi. Johnny: I... I just stopped by to make an appointment to see the town council. Bob: You're looking at us. I'm Bob, that's Ronnie, you know Ray. Johnny: Yes, yes, Ray. Spent a wonderful morning with Ray. Well, I can see you've got a million things on your plate, so I'll get to the point, it's about the town sign. I told you he wouldn't let this go! (Ray and Bob chuckle) The sign tells people what to expect when they're in town. Do you have a problem with that message? A major problem, Bob. Yeah, you see, it's the first thing you see when you drive in, and as the owner of the town, I'd like to convey a better, cleaner image. There's a lot of history in that sign, Johnny. Schitt history. Ronnie: That's all we need, some outsider coming in here and changing everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! (Fork clinks) Hello, Moira! Moira: (Gasps) Hi! How are you? I'm eating egg whites, and hoping the building will collapse. Anyways, I have a giant favour. My class is putting on a play for the younger grades, and I just... thought that you'd be perfect, you know, to help coach the kids. Because they'd be thrilled to have someone like you, an actual star... teach them? That must have taken such courage to ask me that. But in show business boldness is rewarded, so my answer is yes. Yes, yes! That is such good news! (Bleep), I know! So, how'd it go? I met with a woman at a very sad grocery store, and I have a quote unquote interview to be a bag boy. Johnny: Hey, that's great! David: That's all that I'm apparently qualified to be. When's the interview? This afternoon. Well, the interview's where you make your first good impression, so, it's gotta count. I'm interviewing to be a bag boy, not a personal injury lawyer. David, I've had enough people hire enough people in my day to know exactly what they're looking for in an interview, so, let's go! Let's get up. (Claps) For what? (Knocking) Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position. David: Yeah. Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job? I don't want this job. Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! David: Okay. Johnny: All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again. David: Okay. Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job? I ran out of eye cream. Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! David: Okay... Johnny: And look at how you're dressed! Johnny: What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person... David: Okay! Johnny: Where's your mother? Alexis: Whew! Where's your mother? Alexis: What? Aaaaaah! Alexis: Aaah? What?! Johnny: Where's your mother?! Alexis: She's with Jocelyn. - Johnny: With Jocelyn? Alexis: She's fine! And I'm fine too, if anybody cares. I told you to watch her! Alexis: I did watch her! I watched her talk to Jocelyn. (Sighs deeply) Moira: Okay, how many of you beautiful young things have a background in the theater? Raise your swords! I see, a class grounded in realism, nice work. Because that is where we find our deepest well. May I be up front? Jocelyn: Yes. We're not here to play, or to have fun! You will work until it hurts! (Horn honks) Hey, come here a second! Hey, just the man I wanna see! So word on the street is that you're all freaked out about the town sign, is that right? No, no, I'm not freaked out about the town sign, I just... And that you have some sort of problem with my family, Roland: ... Or something, is that it?! Johnny: No, no, no, this is not about your family. Roland: Oh, it's not? Johnny: It's not about your family. Roland: Oh, really? Okay, interesting. Johnny: No, no, no. In the car, come on! In, let's go! Come on, Kaylee, try this. It's cool. Tiffany: I can be cool without drugs, Mark! Moira: Okay, stop! No one speak. Not a word! (Wordless grunting) It's not your fault, the script is garbage! Okay, which one of you wrote this? Jocelyn: I did. Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs? No! Then write what you know, okay? The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton. That's not what I know Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so. I'm gonna work with these two. What is it that you want? To go home. Is that where you keep the stash? You want the marijuana? Yes? Moira: No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved! Now, what is it you need? It's different, be careful, what is it you need? (Shouting) What is it you need? (Birds chirp) ♪ Okay. Ahem! (Knocking) (Door creaks) Hey! Um, were you working out or something? Or... Ah, sort of. Okay, well, I'm sorry for interrupting. Um, I just I happened to be in the area, so... Twyla: Mutt? Mutt: Um... just... Alexis! Twyla! (Laughs falsely) I didn't know you two were uh... Did you wanna come in? I was just about to make some tea. Alexis: Mmm, no, I'm good. Uh, I should be getting back to my mom, who's not well, yeah, so, I'm gonna go. Mutt: Okay. Twyla: Oh. You guys have fun! Thanks! (Alexis laughs hollowly) Alexis: Bye! Blaaaaah! Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny! He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him! You understand that? Roland, you've got this all wrong. Why do you hate me? I don't hate you! I don't hate you! Well then, why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family? It's not, it's just the way they're celebrating, that's all! Roland: Okay, so now you hate my family. Johnny: I don't hate your family! Roland: Well then, what is your big fat problem with the sign?! Johnny: It looks like your great grandfather's (Bleep) your great grandmother right up the ass! Oh my go... that is so demented! You can't tell me you don't see that! Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I... I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal! Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose! That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister. Well, how does that make it any better? Ohhh! Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters! Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?! Roland: Oh my. Johnny: Oh my! Yes, oh my! All right, Johnny, well I never really looked at it that way, but now I get it, okay, well, all right, I'll do something about it, I'll fix it, all right? And thank you, thank you for bringing that up to me. Johnny: Good. Good! Jocelyn, we're going off book! Jocelyn: Well, actually, we're running out of time. Forget the lines, forget the lines! Let's just be in character, shall we? Oh, could you be stiffer?! Just watch, please. Ahem! Start wherever. Um... Do you wanna smoke a joint? Oh Mark, you are better than this. You can't let others define you. Look at me! Never let the bastards get you down! (Whispering) Can't say bastard! Okay. You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger, oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass. And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless! So what? Who cares? When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you! You will forge on! And you will find some glimmer of something to hold on to. And only then will you find your way back. Only then will you become once again who you are! Lady standing! (Sobs) (Groans) Good, you're gettin' the hang of it. David: Well, putting groceries in a bag is not as complicated as one might think. Store manager: Watch the eggs. What did I say? David: You said put them in a separate bag. Store manager: Good. Quick learner. Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one. David: Sorry, I just gotta... just one... thank you. Hello? Hey, how's it going? Yeah, I can't talk right now, so. Johnny: Ah, they're working you hard, huh? Yeah, I can't talk, so I'm gonna hang up, bye. Sorry, sorry about that. Someone's on a health kick, huh? Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one. I'm just gonna... scoot past. Yeah? Johnny: You hung up. Sorry. Okay. Where were we? Woman on P.A.: (Annoyed) David Rose, line one! Right. Take that off. Hand that to you. Now I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. This is worse. This is much worse! David: You did this? Johnny: No, I didn't do this, I tried to fix this! Well, it... it is what it is. Okay, it looks like... I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know! ♪	{"type": "series", "show": "Schitt's Creek", "episode": "01x03 - Don't Worry, It's His Sister"}	foreverdreaming
(Crows caw in the distance) TV infomercial: Oh, those unsightly rolls... Oh, that unattractive austere diet... Oh-ho-ho those stubborn thighs. Say goodbye to ugly fat! Say... Johnny: David? Can you come here please? (Slurping) TV infomercial: ...Exercise miracle you've ever seen! David, can you come in here please?! David: What? Well, come in here and I'll tell you. David: Well, why don't you just tell me from there? Johnny: David... David: You could've already told me. I want to speak face to face. Motels this size we're basically always face to face. In the same room. David: Why are you yelling? I'm right here. I want you to move your clothes. David: I did. Johnny: Out of my closet. You've got t-shirts on hangers. I've nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, put them over the t-shirts then. Johnny: (Sighs) Moira... Moira: Alexis! No, no, it's David I want. I need to speak with our daughter. Johnny: Good luck. (Loud) Oh my God! Where did you hear that?! (Fast approaching footsteps) Alexis: Yeah? What is it? Moira: I need you to fill this out please. Alexis: Fill what out? Your community service papers. As our only delinquent, I hope it's not asking too much. I still have to do that? Generally, that's how it works, honey. When you break the law, you've gotta serve your sentence. Well, it was one DUI. Please, before I lose my mind. (Sighs) (Pages flap) I don't get it. It's all done. No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in. Um... all that's missing is my middle name. Then fill it in please. Do I have to do that? Why must you be so constantly irksome? Do you not know my middle name? Of course I do. I blessed you with it. Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then? Alexis, do as your mother says, please. Do you know my middle? If I said, "Anna-" I can't believe this. Moira: Alexis... something rose. We have so many disasters bmb us right now, my dear, the middle name of an ungrateful child is hardly a priority. David: Wait. Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do... do I have a middle name? Johnny: Now you come into the room. ♪ Moira: Have we failed them, John? I'm worried about our children. Are we terrible parents? Terrible parents?! We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right. I mean, they're not overly affectionate with us and, uh, there's a lot more disrespect than I'd like, but, uh, no, we're good parents. But who are they? Well, it might be nice to get to know them better, I suppose. Wouldn't it, John? But who has time amidst all this chaos? Mm. I get it. (Birds chirp) So what's your deal? You're pretty. What's that like? Alexis: Um... it's good. Yeah, lots of doors open up for pretty people. Mm-hmm, clearly, as I register for community service. So what'd you do? Um... I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage. Uh-huh. And I was high at the time. Are you high right now? No, I'm not. Well, you might wanna be, 'cause this isn't exactly thrilling work. And you won't be gettin' any chit chat from your buddy. (Sighs) What buddy? Ronnie: You're not the only druggy in town, Hun? Mutt: Ronnie. Ronnie: Mm. (Loud clunk) Here's your garbage stick. You use it to pick up garbage. And here... Oh no, I'm fine. Thank you, that's very sweet. Ronnie: This isn't say yes to the dress, princess. Orange is the new orange. Alexis: 'Kay. David: Who needs 14 Grey suits? What am I supposed to do with my dry clean onlys?! Stevie: I'm still trying to figure out why you'd own more than one piece of clothing you can't put in a washing machine. You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist. That's a problem I'd like to have. Are these all your clothes? Yeah. What's this, then? That's a sweater. It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket. What? It's... just your clothes, they're all kind of funky. Funky? Yeah. Funky. Yeah, no, no, no. I'm just trying to figure out... What about this... What about this is funky? I'm just having a hard time understanding. It's just, you know, like funky. Different. Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This... this... is luxury. There's a lot of stuff here. Have you ever considered selling some of this. These are my things. I've hand-selected each of these things; they mean a lot to me. How much do you think I can get for this? (Birds chirp) Alexis: So you got busted for selling drugs? Like hard drugs? Like... Did you wear a Hazmat suit and... work in a trailer? No. It was just weed and mushrooms, uppers. Mostly to truckers and my high school teachers. Mm-hmm. It's actually pretty clean around here, which is shocking considering the state of our motel room. Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn? What's wrong with living in a barn? Mm... nothing, if you're a goat. (Chuckles) Mutt: Well, it serves its purpose. It seems to... With the ladies. That's just a joke. I'm sorry for walking in on you and Twyla the other day. Mutt: No, it's cool. Alexis: So how long have you two been together- Mutt: So, listen, I gotta take off for a bit. I got this thing I gotta do. Can you cover for me? Alexis: Um... I mean... Mutt: Cool. Alexis: Yeah. Mutt: Thanks. Sorry. Excuse me! What am I supposed to keep doing here? I feel like we should break these into categories. Um... fit, fabric, and nationality. Stevie: Or we could do this. David: I... um... Stevie: Keep or sell? David: Well, those are- Stevie: Keep or sell. David: Uh... Stevie: Just keep or sell. David: Sell. Sell them. I got these at a showroom in Paris. Stevie: I got these on clearance rack at Target. David: $850. Stevie: 850 what? David: Eight hundred- Stevie: Dollars?! David: $850 dollars. Stevie: $850 dollars? These are a collector's. There's a woman in Paris that makes them by hand, so... My car's worth less than your pants. Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me. (Clears throat) Stevie: Okay then. Right. We'll try to get $850 dollars for your pants. Keep or sell? I don't know. (Bushes rustle, frustrated grunts and groans) (Cicadas drone, birds sing) (Gasps) Oh... (Door clicks open) (Alexis grunts, running footsteps) (Truck door bangs shut) (Music plays quietly) You know, I think the reason our kids are so casual with us is because they think of us as their friends. Hmm, no. Johnny: No, it's obvious. It's obvious, Moira, right? Because we're hip parents. Moira: Oh, John... Johnny: And that comes at a price. John, we're not hip. I'm hipper than you but in our childrens' eyes we are the polar antonym of hip. Well, somehow we've lost touch with our kids. We've become complete strangers. Twyla: Hey! Have we decided? Just coffee, please. Johnny: Uh... Twyla, do you get along with your parents? Twyla: I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison. I'm sorry I asked. Twyla: Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees. (Diners murmur quietly, cutlery clanks) (Cars rumble by the motel) Johnny: Your mother and I have been talking and we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents. Moira: Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you. Johnny: We have no idea what. 'Cause she means no idea. (Clears throat) We have lost touch as a family and if we're gonna get through this ordeal together, we have got to get reacquainted. Now, back at Rose Video, we had management retreats where we would play fun team-building exercises- David: You also had company-wide spa days. Why don't we try that? Johnny: And one of the ice breakers at these retreats was a game that was always a ht. And it was a game where somebody would tell a lie about themselves, and then a truth, and then another lie, and everybody would have to guess which one was the lie. No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. Mm... which one was the lie. David: It's just-it's just one lie. Johnny: What did I say? Alexis: You said two lies. Johnny: Well, it is two lies. Alexis: No, it's- David: No, the game is "two truths and a lie." Johnny: It's truth. David: That's the game. Johnny: So you've heard of it. You've heard of it. Alexis: Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties. Johnny: Okay, whatever. It's a good game. Okay? Now, here's how it goes. I'll give you an example. David: Why don't I start? Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So... here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk. Okay, wrong attitude. That's the wrong-right off the top! Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex. Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody- Her eyes are aqua. Johnny: You did what? Alexis: (Laughs) I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex. Johnny: When were you in Thailand?! I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money. How many people do you know that are currently in the prison system? Is it like twelve...? Um, I'm pretty sure just two. Johnny: All right, that's enough. Good game. Good game, everybody! Alexis you're grounded. No! That was ten years ago, and everybody does dumb stuff in high school. Johnny: You were 17?! Did you know this? As if. I don't do girl talk. Alexis: Okay, everybody does dumb stuff everywhere. For example, I saw Mutt today - the guy that lives in the barn - making out... with the mayor's wife. Moira: What's-her-face?! Mm-hmm. And the homeless kid? Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything. Well, not anything. Stop. 'Cause that would mean... Stop. Stop. That would include... Stop it. You. Which it doesn't. Don't. Ew. Johnny: You know, I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time... (Inhales deeply) In a drug lord's trunk?! Twyla: Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie. Moira: Johnny. Johnny, look who's come in. (Low hum of chatter) Is it true? Politician's neglected wife sleeps with a ranch hand. Moira: I love it. Johnny: He's not a ranch hand. He's a vagrant in a barn. Moira: Hi there! Jocelyn: (Surprised) Moira. Johnny: Jocelyn. Hi. Jocelyn: Johnny, hi. Moira: You look amazing. Utterly alive. I don't feel it. My lower back is completely sht. Moira: Oh, dear. Why would that be? (Blows out her breath) Age? Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out. Moira: Perhaps a new position would help? Would like to join us? No, I ate already. Couldn't put another thing in my mouth. Johnny: (Chuckling) Well, that's... (Clears his throat) Moira: Okay. All right then. David: Oh my God. Stevie: They sell all kinds of stuff. Stevie: Hey, Wayne. Wayne: Hey, Stevie. Stevie: Um... so this is my friend David. David: David Rose. What are your consignment percentages? (Garbage bag rustles) Uh, this is a thrift shop. Okay. Do you have sales representative? Who will be pricing these items? Wayne: Uh... me. David: Okay. (Bag rustles) Is there a problem, Wayne? Wayne: It's just... I can't really use any of this. It's too, you know... Funky? Sure. Let's go with that. David: Okay, let's take your oily hands off my clothes. Stevie: You sure you can't take any of this stuff? Some of this stuff's pretty good. Wayne: Um... maybe we can use the sneakers. David: Maybe the sneakers? This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay? You've lost my trust and my business, so... We'll be leaving now. Stevie: Sorry. David: What is this place? What is this place?! (Birds chirp, footsteps crunch) (Garbage pickers sab) Alexis: Ha! (Garbage falls off) Ugh! So... what happened to you yesterday? What happened to me? Yeah, I came back you were gone. Well, I had to do most of the shift by myself. So thank God I had my rpe whistle. Sorry. I had some stuff I had to take care of. And did you get your stuff taken care of? Yeah, I guess. Alexis: 'Cause it... It seems to me like you get your stuff taken care of pretty regularly. By multiple people, if you know what I mean. Mutt: I don't. Alexis: Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like... (sab garbage) Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y but you're better than that, you know? Mutt: What? Alexis: Like, I don't judge. Trust me. I have been... I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios and I know how weird it can be, so... Mutt: Are you okay? Alexis: Yeah. I'm just saying that your secret is safe with me. Wink. Let me just say, I get it. How much can one person take? Johnny: Well, may-maybe this is not our place, Moira. Moira: And where does all that pent up energy go? Jocelyn: I should go. Roland: Hey... Jocelyn: (Awkward) Hey. Roland: Where have you been? I've been looking for you all morning. Jocelyn: (Evasive) Around. Doing stuff. Roland: Well, I tried calling you. Jocelyn: I must have turned my phone off by mistake. Roland: Joce, did you see him again today? Jocelyn: See who? Roland: Oh, geez, you know I told you, you can see him as much as you want, just don't keep it a secret from me, okay? I wanna know everything you two are doing. Jocelyn: Look, half the time I'm there he doesn't even want me there. I just can't help myself. Roland: Well, you love him. Jocelyn: Yeah. Roland: I love him too, but the kid's an idiot. It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son. Roland: Yeah. Johnny: Oh! Roland: Our son. Moira: Oh! Roland: You done with that? Got it. Johnny: No, I wasn't. I wasn't uh... Yeah, he turned into a real nutbar. Doesn't drive in cars, he won't use anything plastic. (Chuckles) Good luck with birth control, right? Jocelyn: And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together. What's your secret? Moira: Listening is so very important. Johnny: So important to listen... To your kids. Jocelyn: See, Roland? Listening. Excuse me, I listen to the kid. If he'd listened to me, he wouldn't be sitting in a hut, making his own underwear. (Birds chirp) (Door opens) The Internet is a breeding ground for freaks. What're you doing? Well, I just "sold" a pair of sunglasses on here and now dieforfash87 is telling me she won't pay 'cause she thinks they're fake. Stevie: Okay. Um... How about we move away- David: No! I don't even wanna sell these things. These clothes are all that I have. Everything else has been taken from me. Well, you have your family... What's your point? I am having a very hard time right now dealing with the idea that people think that my things are worthless, David: Or funky, or... Stevie: Sorry. ...fake. Does it look like I shop on Canal Street? No... Okay. People here don't know anything, okay? Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living. Well, that's not surprising. You're playing to the wrong crowd. You're-you have great clothes. I like some of this stuff. Like... like this. Like, I like this. Ooh! Ooh... I like this. (Thinking) This gives me an idea. So why would I sleep with my mother? Alexis: Well, now that I know that she's your mother, that makes a lot more sense to me. And you normally go around spying on people? Um, you left me here to be abducted by long haul truckers. I just went to find you. So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway? What's the big... secret? It's my dad. We don't really get along. He really takes the whole mayor tradition in the family thing seriously and I'm just not that down into labels, you know? Alexis: "Labels?" Mutt: Yeah. And you wonder why I make fun of you. Oh, and you are totally in sync with your parents? Um... yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so... Pretty much delivered on that one. (Bags rustle) Ugh! Oh! (Running footsteps) (Door opens) Stevie: Okay, this is gonna cheer you up. David: (Panting) So I thought you might be lonely without your clothes. So if this isn't too dirty for you, I could help take care of your stuff. David: Wait, you wanna have sex with me? Stevie: No. I don't think anybody has sex in here unless they're being paid for it. I thought this might be a good place to store your clothes. Is this a safe place? Yes. I'm the only with a key. But there's a catch. I get to wear whatever I want, anytime I want. Fine. Wow! Our son's clothes are no longer in our closet. Something I said finally got through. David: I just found somewhere else to put them. Johnny: I can't hear you from in there. David: (Yelling loudly) I found somewhere else to put them! Well, subconsciously I got through. David? Alexis? Can you come here please? Woman on TV: Oh, I don't know. Maybe the text I got from her saying you left your ring in the sauna... David?! Alexis?! They're not going to come, dear. Johnny: Well, how widespread is that news? Woman on TV: I can hear the (Unclear) Deal sign. Talk about salacious! Man on TV: He had long day at work. I ran into Tanya on the street. He cut off his what?! Alexis: Wait, what? - Johnny: Okay. David: How did it happen? Johnny: Look, I just, uh... I just want to make sure that, uh, you know, we're all okay. What were we not okay about? Johnny: About your mother and me feeling disconnected from you two. David: We are literally connected by a door that does not lock. How much... how much more connected do you wanna be? Emma. Your middle name is "Emma." Alexis: Is it? Johnny: So, we'll keep working away at this. I'm sorry! No, Hannah. Alexis: I'm embarrassed for you. Well, that's that then. Elspeth. Alexis: No! David: Wow. I think it's Elspeth. Alexis: It isn't! I should know! Wow.	{"type": "series", "show": "Schitt's Creek", "episode": "01x04 - Bad Parents"}	foreverdreaming
Moirira and Johnny: (Moans of passion) Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah. David: Could you spare some a... Oh my go-oh my God! Moira: (Shrieks) David! Johnny: Where's my robe?! David: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God, what's happening? I saw hell is what's happening. Oh my God. What? (Door opens) David: Oh my God. Johnny: David, what you just saw was your mother and me... David: I know what I saw. Johnny: having an intimate moment. David: I cannot unsee that! Alexis: Oh my God, you poor thing! Johnny: Okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife. Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Moira: I hate to be the one to tell you, but having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex. Oh my God, can you stop this please?! Moira: I will not be shamed. Shame on you. David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning. Moira: John? Johnny: You know what? David: Oh my God. Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two? David: I do now. Johnny: Yes, well, if you don't mind, we are now going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door! Moira: Are you serious? Johnny: Next time. David: (Under his breath) Oh my God. (Gags) Alexis: (Whimpers) No, no, no... S01E05 "The Cabin" Johnny: Roland, I just need the door fixed. Roland: Mm-hmm? Johnny: Okay? My family can't keep living like this. My wife and I, we have no privacy. Okay, all right. I get what this is about. You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh? Roland: (Laughs) Johnny: I have no idea what that means. Having a little problem down there below there, Johnny boy, huh? No, there's no problem, Roland, I just need the locks fixed! It's okay, I get it. I get it, captain. You've been a out to sea for a while you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe... get your mast scrubbed. What're you guys down to now? Like... twice a day? Okay, this is a conversation you and I will never have, all right? I just need the door fixed. Well, how 'bout I do you one better? We got a cabin up by the lake. It's just a little love nest for the lady and me. You know, when we wanna spark the old spark from time to time. My gift to you and yours for the night. So generous, but I'm gonna take a pass. Jocelyn: Hey, Johnny. Johnny: Jocelyn? Jocelyn: How are you? Johnny: Uh, good. Good. Roland: Sex life's in the crapper. I just offered him the cabin. That is so not true. Jocelyn: I knew something was wrong. Johnny: N-nothing is wrong. You should take the cabin. I wouldn't wanna see your relationship get any worse. No, our relationship is fine. It's just a privacy issue... Roland: Johnny, Johnny, come on, come on, come on, come on. Take the cabin, okay? And feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed, so... Johnny: Thank you. Thank you. Jocelyn: Pick a safe word. Roland: Mm. Johnny: (Sighs) I, for one, think we should take them up on their offer. I can't believe what I'm hearing here. We're talking about Roland's place. Who knows what the hell we're gonna find up there? Moira: Well, we can't share any real intimacy here in this internment camp, John, and I don't want to turn into my parents. Separate beds, separate rooms. Well, separate countries. Exactly! A bad marriage! Hey, if you're willing to give this a sht, I'm game. Moira: You're game. Johnny: Yeah. Moira: Okay. I'll play. Actually, I have a good feeling about this, John. Johnny: You know, I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling myself. Are you? David: Oh my God! Am I being punished for something? David, are you dirty peeping tom? I don't' think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me. I'm here to grab a magazine, and go back and leave you guys to whatever disgusting... Moira: Stay. Johnny: Stick around, stick around. Moira: Alexis? Johnny: Alexis! They're done! Your father and I have some very important news. If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now. Moira: Oh, can you imagine? Johnny: We're planning a trip. David: Okay. Johnny: Just to a cabin, overnight... And we request that the two of you not try to contact us for the next 24 hours. I really appreciate you doing that for me. I'm doing it for us. Well, it's to my benefit. Alexis: Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer? Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere. David: Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool? Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself? So we're good then? Thank you. David: No, thank you. Johnny: No, thank you. David: Honestly, thank you. Johnny: Enough, David! Moira: Thank you so much for the loan of your cabin and your truck. Roland: Looks like you folks got a lot of gear here, huh? Is that the tickle trunk? (Smarmy laugh) It's just clothes. Roland: Yeah, okay, but just keep in mind there's only 60 amp service there, so don't be pluggin' a lot of gadgets in all at once, if you know what I mean. Yet another disturbing look into his world. Roland: All right, directions. Super easy, Johnny. Here's what I want you to do. Okay, I want you take highway 10 to Loon Lake Road north, okay? I want you to take a right there. There's gonna be a split in the fence, I want you to go left at that split, and keep going. Go through the intersection of Loon Lake Road south, okay? And then you're gonna find Pine Road. Now you go up Pine Road, I want you take a right at that big oak tree, all right? It's old, it's big, you can't miss it. You go down the hill to the left and we're the third cabin on the right, okay? The key's under the mat. Johnny: Got it. Moira: Really? Johnny: Key is under the mat. So I think I'm gonna go next door because your mess is making me anxious. What mess? David: You know how clean my apartment was in New York. It was so clean. It was really clean. Well, it was very clean because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you. No. I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned. Anyway, I think it's best if we just take some space and um... I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed that his not... made for a toddler. Okay. I'll just chill here in my own space and... David: Yeah. Alexis: Maybe I'll do a mask or something and... check in with myself and see how I'm doing... Okay, so we're good? Alexis: Yeah. David: Okay. See you tomorrow. Okay. (Door closes) (Bedding rustles) (Relaxing sigh, book pages rustle) (Door creaks shut) I'm out of mask. I was so bored in there! I'm sorry to hear that. Alexis: Okay, so I think that we should take advantage of mom and dad being gone. David: I am. Alexis: Okay, but like throwing a party or something. David: No. Absolutely not. Alexis: Just a tiny, little, casual motel party. Okay, Alexis, I have no interest in finding out what types of people are attracted to "casual motel parties." Alexis: But you do have an interest in lounging on a bed that mom and dad have had sex all over? David: Why would you do that to me right now? David, I just... I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm... funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me. David: Obviously. Alexis: Okay, so...? David: Okay, fine. Something small. Alexis: Yes! David: Like a little games night. Yes, like a small, little games night party. No. Like a little games night period. Okay, fine. And then, if it turns into something else, it turns into something else. Well, it won't 'cause there's only six people invited. Any more and game play gets too yelly. It gets very yelly. Okay, this party is gonna be... David: It's not a party. Alexis: awesome! David: It's not a party. Alexis: So. Much. Fun! I'm so excited! (Door bangs shut) (Insects chirp, birds Twitter) (Truck rumbles to a stop) (Engine cuts out, doors creak open and bang shut) Johnny: Hey, not bad! Rustic but nice, huh? The great outdoors, Moira. I am shocked and delighted. Yes. I have to say I was nervous about this, but I've gotta hand it to Roland, he came through. He's moron! (Pots and dishes clatter) Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! (Ripping sound) Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a... (pan crashes on floor) Agh! Idiot man! Moron! Ha! Oh, good. Moira: John?! Johnny: Yeah! Coming, honey! I'm coming. (Blows out his breath) (Lock clicks) Well hellooooo. Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night. Well, first let's get you out of those... dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us. David: So I need to flesh out this games night thing. Between you and my sister, and the barn guy and that girl in the restaurant, we have 5, and obviously we need an even 6 for ultimate game play. Stevie: Well, what if I'm not a games person? David: We're far too similar for you not to be, so... Options, please. Obviously they need to be funny, and smart, and have well-rounded sense of humour and a wide range of knowledge. Oh, all those types of people move away from here. David: That's funny. Stevie: No, I'm serious. Stevie: Ooh, what about Eric? David: Hmm? He finished high school. I don't love his look. Oh, looks are important? Oh... Why don't we throw a pageant? Trust me, if I had time, we would, but we don't, so... What about Sarah? She's cute and speaks english. Hmm? Mm... She get it? Stevie: Get what? Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe. Understand that games night needs to run a certain way, otherwise it won't work. Can I be on your team? You sound really fun. David: Listen, you don't have to help me out if you don't want to. David: I can find someone else. Stevie: Really? David: Mm-hmm. Stevie: Okay. David: Well, it's-okay. Stevie: Have fun. David: Okay. Stevie: My money's on the other team. (Receding footsteps, cars rumble by) (door opens) David: Hi. (Door clicks shut) Can I help you? Yeah, I just uh... Came to apologize. For what? For uninviting you to games night. You did not uninvite me. I uninvited myself. Mm-hmm. Okay, well, um... I would really like it if you came and I would really love it if you could bring... one other person of your choosing. So it doesn't matter if they don't blend? M-mm-mm. And this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you couldn't find anybody else to come? (Scoffs) No. What? No. I... You are a very bright, funny person, with a wide range of useful knowledge and the fact that we don't have an ideal number for team style game-play, is not... not why I'm here. You're such a liar. And I was bluffing when I said I wasn't coming. I just wanted to see you beg, so... David: Okay. Stevie: I'll put out some feelers, but, you know, such short notice, all the town hotties will have plans. I'll see you tonight! Yeah, thanks. David: Thank you. Stevie: Welcome. Moira: This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage. I was half expecting early bmb. Johnny: Oh, look! Roland and Jocelyn. Moira: Who are the other two? Johnny: Well, that's Bob. He's on the town council. Moira: And his partner? Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted. I think that's his wife. Moira: No, they're both called husband. Look at the them smiling away. What have they got to be so happy about? Johnny: Well, they have no money issues. That's why they're so happy. Yeah, they just don't know any better. (Birds sing, crickets chirp) David: So, Eric, how do you know Stevie? Eric: She used to be my babysitter. Great. Wow. Okay. And how are your... Trivia skills? Eric: My what? David: Oh my God. Okay. Good choice. Good choice. (Knock at the door) Alexis: (Squeals excitedly) (Door opens) You guys came. Together. That's so cute! Come in! Twyla, you look amazing! Mutt, you look like a mill dollars. Twyla: Okay, so I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn't check what kind so there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it. Alexis: Oh my God, that's so cute. Thank you. David: Okay, so it's 8:15. It's 8:15. We should have started at 8. So... fifteen minutes late, let's sit down and I will... explain the game. Alexis: And I would just like to thank everybody so much for coming. This is the first social thing that I've done in like a really long time, so let's just have so much fun and we'll just see where the night takes us. David: Well, it'll take us to a three part games night that ends at 10. Alexis: Okay, well, we'll see. David: Okay, so let's start. Alexis: Okay. David: Let's start by putting down 10 famous names onto the pieces of paper in front of you. Mutt: I don't think I can fit ten names on this piece of paper. David: That's funny. That's funny. No. One per piece of paper. Ten pieces of paper, ten names. Eric: Who should I put down? David: I can't tell you that, Eric, 'cause that would wreck the game. Eric: So then how do I know what to put? David: Oh my God. Stevie: (Whispers) Relax. Twyla: Can you put yourself down? Alexis: Oh, okay, who wants a sht? Because I do. David: No, we need to finish putting the names down first. (Knock at the door) David: Who's that? Alexis: Okay, I may or may not have invited a few other people. David: What kind-who? I don't know. I met them on the way home. (Running footsteps, door clicks open) Alexis: Hey! Dane: Hey. Alexis: How are you? Dane: Good, good. Alexis: Good. Hey! Dane: Hey, kids. Stevie... Mutt... Twyla. Stevie: Hey, Dane. David: Who the... Bleep... is this? He's the worst, okay? So just breathe through it. David: Hi. David Rose. Oh... 'Kay. So we have split into teams and that's an odd number, so we're... stuck. No worries. We're here for the party. Keg's in the truck. What kegs? No one ordered a keg. David, can you please not be rude in front of... Dane: Dane. Alexis: Dane? Eric: So now what? David: (Jumps) Oh, God! In the bowl, Eric. Put them in the... (Papers rustle, pen clatters) (Crickets chirp) Johnny: Wow. Moira: Yeah. I can't see out of one eye. But I'm still alive, that's the main thing. (Sighs) I'm hungry. Should I go get... No! No. You don't have to get anything. I will get some food, I will get the wine. You... have done more than enough. (Wine glasses clink) Bob: Oh good, you're done. We uh... we didn't wanna interrupt. Johnny: What're doing here? Bob: Oh, just finishing off the latest Harold Zable novel. (Chuckles) You ever read him? How long have you been here? Quite a while. Yeah, you seemed to have a little trouble there, getting going. And, uh, well, we uh... We didn't think you needed the extra pressure on you, so... Gwen: Oh, hi! You're good. Moira: And you are? Bob: I'm Bob, this is my wife Gwen, and, uh, this is our cabin. Johnny: Oh, no, no, no. This is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin. Gwen: No, they're a mile up the road. Bob: Big tree, a fence. You can't miss it. (Awkward silence, Johnny sighs) David: She died! She's a dad person! Twyla: Marilyn Monroe! David: No! She helps people! Twyla: Oprah. Stevie: Calcutta! Calcutta! David: Calcutta! The lepers! She's the mother... She's a mother... David: It's not your turn, Alexis! Twyla: Princess Diana. Stevie and David: No! She's... David: The lepers in Calcutta, she helps them. Stevie: Lepers! Lepers! David: There's all these lepers. Alexis: Stop yelling at her though! David: It's the point of the game is the yell! She's a mother and has your cousin's name. Twyla: Teresa? Twyla: Mother Teresa! Alexis: Yes! David: You can't say mother! You can't say mother! Mutt: She wasn't getting it. David: That's the point! Anyway, no points for them. We have to start this again. Dane: This party's terrible. David: Excuse me? Alexis: Okay, so then, hey, why don't we do something else, like a drinking game. David: No! Absolutely not! Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink. David: Why would you bring up my eye in front of all these people? (Knock at the door) David: Who is that?! Alexis: Calm down. Dane thought he should just invite over a few more of his friends, so... David: Oh, did he? Alexis: Yeah. Dane: Who's up for strip poker? David: Okay, you know what? I'm out. No, that's it. I'm gonna call it a night. I'm gonna pack it in. Eric, don't look at my eye! Alexis: Why are you being such an old woman? I'm sorry that I wanted to have fun tonight and invite a few random guys over and try and make out with them, okay? You're not the only one dying in this town. It is boring and I am just trying to make the best of it. I'm really sorry everybody. No offense, okay? Twyla: I'm well-versed in family conflict... David: I'm sure you are. Alexis? If you want to party, have a party. But I have a queen bed next door with my name on it and I have been looking forward to sleeping in that bed all day, so... Mutt: Maybe we should go. Alexis: No. You know what, guys? It's totally fine. David, I would love it if you would come and party with us, but it's totally up to you. David: And I'm totally gonna go. So everybody have a good night. I don't know who you are! Dane, put that down and get off my bed! No one on my bed tonight. And don't-no one throw up! (Door slams shut) So his eye twitched five times, so drink up, bitches! Guys: All right! Alexis: Woo! Dane: sh*ts! All right. Ready and... Johnny: And once again, my apologies. Moira: And I'm sorry, I don't know how to make a bed. Johnny: And I may have damaged your corkscrew, Bob. Bob: You broke it in half. (Door rattles as Johnny struggles) Johnny: Okay, the door, it won't open. The door won't open. Bob: It's locked. Johnny: Oh, it's locked. Moira: What do you want from us? Bob: Yes, it's... it's locked to prevent strangers from coming into the cabin. See, uh, we didn't realize that, uh, strangers would already be in the cabin when we locked it. Johnny: I see. Oh. Okay. Moira: Bye! Johnny: There we go. Moira: Thank you. Bye. Johnny: You've been consummate hosts, really. Fantastic day. (Door bangs shut) (Music plays) Twyla: Hey, Mutt, can you pass me a drink? Um... (Door bangs shut, muted chatter through door) Stevie: Sorry. Hey! David: Hi! Here's the thing. Um, I'm sorry that you and your sister are in a domestic, and I'm sorry that I invited Eric. That joke was funnier in theory. Bad joke. But I'm gonna need you to come back in there. David: Why? Because I don't really like most of those people and, believe it or not, we are in the middle of a very intense game of drunken charades and my team is losing. Badly. Well, that's not really my thing. It's not my thing either, but you were right; We're way too similar and I am having a very hard time losing, so... I will happily let you get back to this big queen bed if you'll just help us win a few more rounds. Just need somebody sober. David: I can't... Stevie: Please. Go back in there. It's embarrassing. They are way too drunk to remember. (Sighs) Just two winning rounds and then it's over. Then you can go back to your book. David: Fine. Fine. Two rounds. Stevie: You can go back to sleep. David: Quick. Quick rounds. Stevie: Thank you. David: Fine. Stevie: Thank you. Stevie: And just don't look at the stain on your bed, and we'll mime something special. David: What stain? Stevie: Uh... David: You're lucky I'm good at this game. Dane: Yes! A mexican... Alexis: Just get this one! Moira: Are you sure you don't want to call a tradesman or someone, John? Moira, I don't need a tradesman. I can handle a screwdriver, okay? This is working out just... fine. (Grunts of effort) And... that... is... in. Look at this. (Opens and closes door) Instant lock. Moira: Yes, let me tell you, Eddie. You look awfully good in that blue collar. Johnny: (Voice-breaking twang) Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose. I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors. Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today. (Voice-breaking twang) Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose. Maybe there's um... some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift. (Door rips open, lock jingles uselessly) Did you take my mask? Thank you. (Door bangs shut) (Voice-breaking twang) Well, maybe I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose. Don't you go anywheres. Moira: I'll be right here, Eddie.	{"type": "series", "show": "Schitt's Creek", "episode": "01x05 - The Cabin"}	foreverdreaming
Admissions Area Janitor: Argh. J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter! It's funny; I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables -- you know, the one where the--the lion's always hassling the little mouse...but then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw. Janitor: Oh, right.... But then the lion kills him anyway. [laughs] Yeah. J.D.: No he doesn't. Janitor: Trust me. Dr. Cox: Sandy, whatta ya say we start our work day. J.D.: You know, "Sandy" isn't necessarily a girls' name. Dr. Cox: It's short for "Sandra". J.D.: Clear. Jordan: Hello, Perry. J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, God. The ex-wife. Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake -- you, right? Jordan: Yes. Dr. Cox: Right? Jordan: Yeah. Dr. Cox: Right? Jordan: Mm-hmm. [laughs] Say, let's play a game: I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is! J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time. Dr. Cox: Heh? Jordan: Okay. Clumsy! Dr. Cox: Don't answer that, Newbie. J.D.: No worries. Dr. Cox: Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. J.D.: Ow! Jordan: Good job, D.J. J.D.: You know, it's J.D. Okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners. Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunk-mate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. J.D.: It was Camp Meadow Wood. ...I made a lanyard. ~~ OPENING THEME COMMERCIAL ~~ Hall J.D.'s Narration: It sounds insensitive, but hospitals can be kind of boring. So if a policeman gets into an accident with the bad guy he's chasing, well, it pumps ya up! Cut to... Patient's Room J.D.: Okay, move it along, fellas, there's nothing to see here. I'll be over here. Carla: Officer Berson was admitted with shortness of breath and chest pain. Elliot: Hey, J.D., do you think anyone else gets this excited over a car accident? *Fantasy Sequence ** J.D.: Maybe Hank.... J.D.'s Narration: We weren't the only ones psyched to be in the game. Cut to... The OR Turk: The doctor is in. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the po-lice! Baby, are you ready to rock? Nurse: Great. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up. Turk: I'm sorry; I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have enough time to pull the stick outta your ass. Whatta you say? Cut to... Hall Dr. Kelso: Perry. Dr. Cox: Beelzebub. Lackey! Lawyer: Hey, Dr. Cox. Dr. Kelso: I'm being honored tonight by the board of trustees, and they asked me to say a few words. Dr. Cox: Oh! Yawn. Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me. Dr. Cox: Wow. Seriously? Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Dr. Cox: Not interested. Dr. Kelso: I didn't ask if you were interested. Dr. Cox: Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night. Dr. Kelso: Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page! Dr. Cox: Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here? Dr. Kelso: Ted's not an impressive man. Lawyer: Hey....! That--- Ah, he's right. Dr. Cox: Okay. ~~ Patient's Room Elliot: Officer Berson, you have a slight arrhythmia, so Dr. Dorian and I are going to monitor you very closely. J.D.: But don't worry, we're on top of it, okay? J.D.'s Thoughts: There's nothing like that feeling of really taking charge of a situation. Dr. Cox: Mary. Rhoda. Chart, please. Dr. Cox: What'd I stutter? Gimme the chart. Atta girl. Ew. Man. I don't like his 0-2 set. Grab me a doughnut, will ya? Elliot: Oh, you mean like a--um--a blood-pressure thingie? Dr. Cox: I mean like a glazed thingie. And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can't find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of 'em off. [whistles] J.D.: You know that was...kind of demeaning. Dr. Cox: You know, you're right. Would you do me a favor and apologize to her while you get me some coffee. And please be quick, otherwise I'm just gonna have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah. J.D.'s Narration: The frustrating thing was, down in the OR, Turk was probably running the show. Cut to... The OR Attending: Steady, Dr. Turk; only about two more hours. Turk: Could you scratch my nose, please. Nurse: No. I can scratch _my_ nose. Oh, that feels good. Turk: Yeah. ~~ Hall Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for giving me this award. The fact that your first choice passed away last weekend in no way makes it any less special. Jordan: Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like it does. Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. As far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a lot of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass. Dr. Kelso: [laughs] I think we both understand how this works. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet: He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night. Jordan: Charming story. Dr. Cox: Yeah. The fact of the matter is, I kinda make it a rule never to get in bed with people that I have nothing but contempt for. Cut to... Darkened Empty Patient's Room Jordan. Mmm. Dr. Cox: Oh. Jordan: That feels gooood, J.D. Dr. Cox: You'll now pay for that. Jordan: God, I hope so. ~~ Cafeteria Elliot: You guys, we're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility, you know? Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe. J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we're the most under-appreciated people at this hospital. Carla: Oh, Bambi, I really feel for you. J.D.: Thank you! Turk: She doesn't. Carla: J.D., I spend most of my time here getting orders barked at me by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes. And all the while, I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand. You should try trading places with me for one day. Fantasy Sequence: J.D.: It's actually not that bad. And the lace feels soft against my package. ** J.D.'s Thoughts: Nah. ~~ Outside the Empty Patient's Room Dr. Cox: Well, I'm glad we finally had a chance to, uh, talk. Jordan: You and me, both. I mean, I haven't had anyone to _talk_ to lately. Dr. Cox: Whoa-kay. Jordan: But boy, you sure do talk fast. Dr. Cox: Bye-bye! Jordan: Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two. Carla: [sing-song] You still like her. Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room? Carla: That room's not empty. {Carla giggles.} Dr. Cox: Listen, girlfriend, I don't wanna hear your misguided romantic notions. You see, for me, sex is a sport -- like racquet-ball: You play hard for a half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get ht in the eye. Carla: Say what you want, I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquet-ball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and pass the time by watching her sleep. Dr. Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings. Carla: That's nice. ~~ ICU Janitor: Hey. I thought about what you said, and you're right -- I owe you...so, I got you a date tonight. J.D.: Who? Janitor: Tim. J.D.: I'm not gay. Janitor: Huh? Oh! Oh.... I get it. Neither is Tim. J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, I'm on-call tonight, and as weird as this place is during the day...it's even worse at night. See, that's when all the weirdos come out. Cut to... The Hall J.D.'s Narration: Like the ER doctor who likes to work nights 'cause he says he's up anyway. ER Doc: Hey, bro. J.D.'s Narration: Or the nurse who everyone agrees is just a little bit off. J.D.'s Narration: Or, if there's a full moon.... J.D. enters the elevator. Lawyer: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital. J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time that we--- Lawyer: [sings] Legal ???: [sings] Accounting ???: [sings] Shipping and Receiving ???: [sings] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens. J.D.: Hey, you got promoted! The Band: [sings] And it's about time. He's been busting his hump around here for six years. Mm-mmm. Lawyer: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night. J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember, the--uh cartoon theme songs. Lawyer: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now. {He plays the note on his pitch pipe.} {The Band sings "The Facts of Life".} Arrived on his destination floor, J.D. flees the elevator. Nurses' Station J.D.: Hey. So, what attendings are stuck here on-call tonight? Turk: Everyone's at that Kelso thing. Elliot: I think Dr. Cox is on. Carla: No, he went home. But he said that Carol could cover for him. Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt? J.D.: Well, I'm "Carol", so yes. Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt. J.D.: Oh, come on. You guys are missing the point: No one is here tonight but us, we are running this hospital. Turk: This is our house! Elliot: We're in charge! J.D.: I love my butt! J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how one moment you think you know exactly what you want.... Cut to... Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom Perry is watching Jordan sleep. Dr. Cox: Oh, God. Come on. J.D.'s Narration: ...And then the next moment, everything changes. Cut back to... The Hospital – Nurses' Station Carla: Okay, Elliot: The ER doctor knows there's no attending up here, so instead of treating-&-streeting people, he's just admitting everyone. You've got twelve so far. Carla: Turk: Oncology, Cardiology, and Pediatrics all need surgical consults...plus--- {The phone rings.} Carla: That phone is for you. It's the clinic -- they, too, know you're on your own so they're just patching all their night calls right on through. Carla: And Bambi: Room 201 needs an art-line(?), Room 202 needs reintubation; plus, Carol, you're needed in ICU to place a femoral swan under _____ on Mr. Freed. J.D.: Never actually...done one of these unsupervised before. {The beepers start going off.} J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized, tonight we really were all alone -- running the hospital. { The Band sing "Charles in Charge". } ~~ COMMERCIAL ~~ Re-open: The Hospital – Nurses' Station J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, someone had the guts to stand up and take charge. Carla: Look, you've all been on-call before. So, you don't have a safety-net. Most of the time you don't need one, anyway, right? Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients that they're on their own because you're all too scared. J.D.: No, Carla. I'm the doctor. I should tell them. Elliot: Come on, peeps! Let's go kick some sick patient ass! J.D.: That, my friends, is one nerdy hnky! Turk: That's two. ~~ Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom Jordan: My back hurts. Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well my front hurts, so touche. Jordan: Ah, always a charmer. Hi. Dr. Cox: Hi. I'm gonna go ahead and get you a big, ice-cold glass of water. Whatta you think of that? Cut to... The Hospital Dr. Cox: Ohhh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right. You were so right. Carla: Of course. Dr. Cox: Just exactly what in the hell am I supposed to do now? Carla: Duck. Dr. Cox: Wha--! Turk: Who let that damn clinic page me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy!? Huh!? Who!? Dr. Cox: Under no circumstances are you to tell any of them that I'm here. Carla: Yeah, yeah. Look: Why don't you just go home and tell Jordan how you feel. Dr. Cox: [laughing] Tell a woman how I feel? Carla: Well, I guess you could duck. Dr. Cox: Uh! Elliot: Carla, this is ridiculous! He admitted out of Cardiology because he has heartburn! I hate ER docs! Dr. Cox: You just...don't understand my relationship with Jordan. Carla: Duck. Dr. Cox: Hah! Dr. Cox: Now that's just not funny. ~~ ICU –- Patient's Cubicle J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why I was scared of placing a femoral swan, I guess I just couldn't stop wishing there was someone over my shoulder. I was...even starting to see things. J.D.: Okay, Mr. Freed. I think I can do this. Mr. Freed: Hm!? J.D.: I'm gonna need a _________ in here! Janitor: Want me to knock him out? J.D.: What are you doing in here? Janitor: I owe ya. I'm helping you out. J.D.: This--this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do. Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours. J.D.: YES! Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor? J.D.: I don't know, the...rough side of a sponge? Janitor: Dammit. ~~ Pateint's Room Carla: Officer Berson's spiraling a bit. Elliot: His pulmonary edema seems to be secondary to acute nitro-regurgitation(?). If it turns out to be a __________, he'll need surgery. Turk: Yeah, but his vitals are so weak, I wouldn't feel confident about taking him to the OR. J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahh, the classic Catch-22 between Medical and Surgical. Bottom-line, somebody needs to be decisive. J.D.: Okay, here's the plan: We do nothing. Elliot: Sounds good. Turk: I'm in. Carla: That's inspiring. J.D.: We'll meet back here in a few hours and see if his vitals have improved. {The beepers start going off again.} Turk: Yeah. This ends now. J.D.'s Narration: Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can possibly make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic -- at night. Cut to... The Free Clinic Turk faces a patient. Turk: I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue! But it sure is pretty! Turk faces another patient. Turk: Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint? Turk faces another patient. Turk: Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an under-dose for a woman your size. She decks him. Turk: OH! Turk faces a patient who has their arms all wrapped around behind their back. Turk: Yes, congratulations, you _are_ double-jointed. ~~ A Ward Elliot: [frazzled] Look, I just thought we'd talk to you up here about it so you could see that we don't have any more beds and we really can't handle any more patients. ER Doc: Okay. You talk way too fast. Elliot: If you could just keep one person downstairs, we'd be willing to throw a parade for you! Carla: She needs you to give her a break. ER Doc: Oh. Well, tell her that we're really swamped. Carla: She can understand you! Elliot: Uh-huh! Yeah! ER Doc: Well then, uh, understand this: Chill out, bitty. ~~ Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom Dr. Cox: Hey. Jordan: Hey. Didn't you go to get water, like, an hour ago? Dr. Cox: More or less, yeah. Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, there's something I really want to say to you.... Jordan: But can you say it while I'm drinking water? Because I'm really dying of thirst--- Dr. Cox: I like you...again. There, you win. You can ahead and do your victory dance or slaughter a goat or whatever it is you do when you're happy. Jordan: You don't like me. Dr. Cox: I watch you when you sleep. Jordan: Well that just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Dr. Cox: I can't stop thinking about putting up with you. Jordan: Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that? Dr. Cox: I'm real sorry, but that's just not enough for me anymore. Jordan: Sweetie, I have feelings for you, too; I do. But unlike you, I have some balls, so you don't hear me whining about it. Look, Perry, I can't let you back into my life, and watch you personally and professionally sabotage every single chance that you get. It's too hard. I can't do it. Dr. Cox: I've changed. I have. I see a shrink now; I actually see two, tell you the truth. Good God, what do you want me to do to prove that I'm not that guy anymore? Jordan: Hmm... Cut to... Awards Banquet Dr. Kelso: There you are! Had to make me sweat, didn't ya! [laughs] Good for you, buckaroo. Here. I took the liberty of writing out my introduction. Dr. Cox: Oh! "Bob Kelso is...the love of my life." Dr. Kelso: My wife was going to do it. Dr. Cox: She doesn't even seem to be here, Bob. Dr. Kelso: Eh. What're you gonna do? Dr. Cox: Heh! Jordan: Lovely. Dr. Cox: Heh. ~~ Hospital Janitor: You rang. Lurch. J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me. Janitor: You put it up there. J.D.: It's really neither here nor there. Janitor: Fine. All right, we're even. J.D.: Thank God. Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year? J.D.: Okay, I want that, then. Janitor: It's too late. J.D.: But I...use those...for listening. Nurse: Oh, uh, they want you upstairs in room, um, 208. Cut to... Patient's Room J.D.: His vitals are exactly the same. There's gotta be one attending in this stupid hospital. Carla: You guys are unbelievable. Turk: Oh, thank you, baby. Carla: Not the good kind. Turk: I know! Carla: You all claim you want more responsibility.... But you're being outsmarted by a doctor who wears scrubs made out of hemp; you're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the clinic phones; and Bambi, did you ever place that femoral swan? J.D.: It's on my to-do list. Carla: Now I know you're all hoping Officer Berson's vitals will go up or down and this decision will be made for you, but guess what? Nothing's changed. So it's on you. J.D.'s Narration: We all knew what we had to do. J.D.: Surgery. {Band does the opening to "The Six Million Dollar Man"} J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, just making a decision is half the battle. Lawyer: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster. {They do the electronic sound effects of the theme.} Lawyer: Your "zhn-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne"s could be louder. You guys were fine. ~~ The Awards Banquet Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is.... J.D.'s Narration: In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are. Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man. There's uncomfortable silence before someone in the room snickers. The rest join in cheerful laughter and applause at Dr. Cox's humor. Dr. Cox: I'm not joking. He's the devil. What's wrong with you people? This is--- Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Great stuff, Perry! Great stuff! Is this guy a hoot, or what? Dr. Kelso: I'll have your ass for this. Jordan walks out. Dr. Cox: Jor--Jordan! Dr. Kelso: Thank you, thank you. J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, we're our own worst enemy. J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, we rise to the occasion. Cut to... Hospital J.D. explains the policeman's condition to his fellow officers. J.D.: Everything went, uh, really well. J.D.'s Narration: Even though we all know that tomorrow morning, the three of us'll go back to being the most unappreciated people in the whole damn hospital. The gng walk out of the hospital, ready to go home. Nurse: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were off last night? Carla: I switched shifts to help some friends out. Have a good one. Carla: Hey, guys! Wait up! {The Band sing "Charles in Charge".} Dr. Kelso: Shut up, Ted, it's morning! END	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "02x02 - My Nightingale"}	foreverdreaming
HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- DAY J.D. is standing out in the parking lot, about to go into work. J.D.'s Narration: Before I go into that building and start my day, I always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself. He turns on his iPod. J.D.: [singing along to the music in his ears] Bump-ba-bump-ba-bump, ba-bump, bump; bump, bump, bump. "Well I guess it would be nice / if I could touch your body" -- [to a passing man] not you, sir -- "I know not everybody / has got a body like you / Owwwwwwwww / But I...." Turk has come up to him and is giving him an impatient look. Turk: Dude, what's the rule about white boys dancing in public? J.D.: Not allowed unless you're gay. Just then, a white guy prances through, doing some impressive dancing. J.D. &: Morning, Steven. Turk J.D.: Fine. Then I'll just put on something that rocks! He hits a button on the iPod, and U2's "Beautiful Day" blares. J.D. and Turk head into the building. Cut to... HOSPITAL INTERIOR J.D.'s Narration: As a third-year resident, you know everyone so well you can practically speak for them. For instance.... J.D.'s Thoughts: [speaking for Turk] Remember: No more dancing. Turk smacks Carla's rear as he passes her. J.D.'s Thoughts: [speaking for Turk] Pow! J.D.'s Thoughts: [speaking for Carla] Good morning, Bambi. Sign this, please? J.D. signs the chart and continues on, where he passes the Janitor standing in the doorway to ADMISSIONS. J.D.'s Thoughts: [speaking for the Janitor] Who you eyeballing, tough guy? J.D.'s Narration: And of course.... J.D. stops in front of Dr. Cox. J.D.'s Thoughts: [speaking for Dr. Cox ] Well, Zsa Zsa. Now you've put me in quite the pickle. You see, with those earphones on, you can't hear me; but! the odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me today. So, what to do? What to do? What to do? Ahh, hell-- Cox reaches over and jerks out J.D.'s earphones. The music is gone. Dr. Cox: Stop addressing me as "Dr. Cox" in front of your patients. When they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. Oh, and as an added safety measure, from now on, I'll only be responding to "Doc," "Doctor," "Ceasar," or "The Big Cheese;" and noooo, I'm _not_ joking. [waves his hands] Not _now_ -- [waves in the other direction] not ever. He shoulder checks J.D. as he leaves. J.D.'s Narration: See, things never really change around here. Cut to... PARKING LOT -- BASKETBALL HOOP There's a basketball game going. J.D.'s Narration: ...Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball. A big black guy in a green scrub top has the ball, staring down J.D. who's blocking him. Surgeon: I'm gonna toast you so bad, your momma ain't even gonna recognize you! J.D.: Yeah? Well I heard that your sister started drinking again! Everyone on the court freezes in shock. The guy's expression turns to anguish and he drops the ball, turning to Turk who takes him in his arms. J.D.'s Narration: I'm still not great at smack-talk. J.D.: So, it's not supposed to be true? Turk: [whispering] No. [comforting the weeping guy] Ohhh, let it pour, big guy. J.D.'s Narration: And Elliot was still searching for something to turn things around for her. Cut to... PARKING LOT -- FRONT ENTRANCE Elliot is standing in front of a new car, the passenger door open for her inspection. The delivery guy stands before her. Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you? Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars. She's all yours. He tosses her the keys. Just then, another car passes, ripping the open door off. Elliot: Frick! J.D.'s Narration: But really, the only difference is that by the third year, nothing catches you by surprise. Cut to... HOSPITAL INTERIOR -- ICU J.D. races through, sliding under a gurney as it's pushed in front of the doorway of the room he's entering. Carla is there at the bed of the patient. Carla: Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain. Mrs. Farr: So, what's wrong with me, doctor? J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don't panic, just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page. He fiddles with his pager. It begins beeping. J.D.: Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall. Mrs. Farr: What's that? J.D.: Uhhh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2. He backs out of the room, tripping over the gurney he forgot was still at the door. Carla: [to Mrs. Farr] _That's_ a Code 2. ~~ OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS ~~ HOSPITAL -- HALL J.D. and Turk emerge from the elevator. J.D.: Ahh, I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox. Turk: Why won't you ask me? J.D.: You're a surgeon -- you just cut people up, you don't actually know anything. Turk: Oh, yeah. They split ways. Continue to... ADMISSIONS J.D. approaches Dr. Cox. J.D.: Dr. Cox! Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox ignores him. J.D.: Big Cheese. Dr. Cox: Yes? They're interrupted by a strange squeaking noise. It gets louder as Dr. Kelso approaches, with Ted the Lawyer in tow. J.D.'s Narration: If you're wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is squeaking... FLASHBACK: ADMISSIONS Dr. Kelso is chewing out Elliot. J.D.'s Narration: ...about a week ago, he was torturing Elliot... Dr. Cox steps between them. J.D.'s Narration: ...and Dr. Cox, well.... Cox punches Kelso in the nose, dropping the guy. J.D.'s Narration: Needless to say, there were consequences. END of FLASHBACK Dr. Kelso: [squeak] Perry, great news: [squeak] I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen. today and do the annual inmates' physicals! Dr. Cox: Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fre me, just do it! Dr. Kelso: I would, [squeak] but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen. Ted snickers under his breath. Dr. Kelso glares at him. Lawyer: Uh, so what happened, sir? Dr. Kelso turns to go about his business, squeaking all the way. Ted punches the air before following along after. J.D.: So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart? Dr. Cox: Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat. And you, you're...you're third-year now. Wake up, this whole Dr. Cox Riding in to The Rescue part of the show is _over_. His beeper goes off. He looks at the display. Dr. Cox: [taking off] Oh, you're on your own. ~~ MRI ROOM Elliot's at the door, talking to the bald, goatee'd technician, Dr. Moyer. J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department. Elliot: Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler's diarrhea? Dr. Moyer: So? Sounds like good news. Elliot: Yeah.... He took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper? Dr. Moyer: What do you want me to do? Elliot: Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal? Dr. Moyer: [sucks his teeth uncertainly] Think I'm gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do. So, thanks for stopping by, and don't forget your car door. He gestures to Elliot's new car door that's propped against the wall behind her. Elliot: I just didn't want it to get stolen, okay? Moyer does some weird, wild hand waving. Dr. Moyer: That was me not caring. Elliot struggles to pick up her door and go. ~~ NURSES' STATION J.D. arrives. A lot of people are gathered around, but not really doing anything. Janitor: What? J.D.'s Narration: Now that we can always hear Dr. Kelso coming, some people have modified their work habits. The nurses and other staff are lounging around, reading, playing hand-held video games, etc -- anything but actually working. Ted is next to Carla, playing with a paddle-ball. Lawyer: So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy? Carla: Mm-hmm. Lawyer: Is it serious? Carla: No, Ted. We swing. She turns away, and Ted pumps his fist. There's a squeak. Janitor: Squeaky's a-comin'! Everyone jumps to look busy as Kelso approaches, squeaking all the way. Dr. Kelso: [squeak ... squeak ... squeak] He skeptically continues on through. After he's passed, the Janitor drops his mop, but then grabs it up again when the squeaking returns, accompanied by quick footsteps. Dr. Kelso takes one last look at everyone being busy. Dr. Cox arrives. Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob-cat! Listen, I was hoping that maybe you could get someone to cover for me out at the prison tonight. I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond! [chuckling] Right? Dr. Kelso's nostril squeaks his lack of amusement. Dr. Cox: Ohh.... Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time I saw my son, and you--you--you're a father, for God's sake; you understand, don't you? Dr. Kelso: My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son...is your son. Have fun at the Big House. He exits, squeaking. ~~ CAFETERIA J.D. and Turk are at a table. An excited Carla arrives to it and sits down. Carla: Hey. You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist? J.D.: Yes. & Turk: No. J.D.: No. Carla: Well, he didn't know I was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight. Turk: Well, if he's paying, give a brother some Snow Caps! Carla: Turk, why don't you ever get jealous? Turk: Woman, look at me! How can someone with all of this here be jealous of any of that out there! A depressed Elliot arrives. Elliot: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around? I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me? Carla: No self-confidence. Turk: You could be a baby sometimes. J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset. Elliot: [high-pitched] Rhetorical question, okay? Now I'm getting smoothies. Who wants one? Carla: Peach Fizzle-Vizzle? J.D.: I'll have a Razz-ma-Tazz? Turk: Orange Goo Goo. Elliot: Got it. She leaves. J.D.'s beeper goes off, he looks at it. J.D.: Mrs. Farr. You know what? The only way I'm gonna figure out what's wrong with this woman is start running tests for everything. Carla: Good luck, Bambi. Look at the time. J.D. looks over his shoulder at the clock on the wall. It's just ht 5. J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, you can never try to get anything done Friday after 5 P.M. Because anyone who can actually help you is out of here like a gn. FANTASY: There's a gn. Suddenly, the whole cafeteria is deserted except for J.D. and a spinning plate. J.D.: Hello? Anyone? Steven dances through. J.D.: Have a good weekend, Steven. END OF FANTASY ~~ SMOOTHIE BAR Elliot has placed her order. As she turns from the counter, she notices a familiar face at one of the tables. Elliot: Sean? Hey! It's Sean Kelly from 1.20 "My Way or the Highway" and 1.21 "My Sacrificial Clam"! He's got shorter hair. Sean: Hey, Elliot! How you--how you doing? She sits down across from him. Elliot: You look great! Except, the buzz-cut has kind of tapped into this recurring dream I have where my dad makes me marry this army colonel named Johnny Case who, as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines. Anyways, she and I become friends, but then she smothers him with her thighs and then frames me for it. Sean: Well, yeah, I'm--I'm doing about the same, too. Elliot laughs, embarrassed. Sean: I thought you hated this place 'cause of that time you--you got sick here? Elliot: You remember that? Sean: Y-you got sick on my face.... Elliot: Oh, no, that wasn't the smoothies -- you just said you thought you were falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl. Sean: I know, I get--I get a little, uh...gassy. Elliot: Look, Sean, this is gonna sound weird, but -- this is fate! I mean, things have just been so bleak for me lately, and I've been waiting for something -- someone -- to come along, you know? And...here you are. [laughs] The one that got away! That means something, right? Sean: Yeah, I think it, uh.... A petite blonde enters and comes up to the table. Girl: Hello! Sean: Hey. Hi. Oh! She leans over for a kiss. Elliot leans over to hurl. The girl jumps back to avoid the mess. Sean: [reassuring the girl] No, no, no, no! It's okay. It's ok--it's.... Cut to... SMOOTHIE BAR EXTERIOR Sean and his girl are leaving. Girl: That girl is extra-strength crazy. Sean: I don't know; I mean, she's a doctor, she's gotta have it a little bit together, right? Just then, Elliot drives by, giving Sean a cocky wink and finger point through the missing car door, her smoothies riding on top. Sean: Elliot, your smoothies are on your car. She slams on the brakes and the smoothies tip, running all down her windshield and hood. Elliot leaps out to survey the mess. Elliot: Ohhhhh. Just then, a car passes and rips off her open driver-side door. Elliot: Double frick! ~~ HOSPITAL -- HALL J.D. is wheeling Mrs. Farr back to her room. J.D.'s Narration: I was trying to keep things positive with Mrs. Farr. J.D.: I don't think you'll be having breakfast with us tomorrow. Mrs. Farr: Why, am I going home tonight? J.D.: No, the cook died. He passes Mrs. Farr to an orderly who wheels her into the room. J.D.'s Thoughts: What the hell am I gonna do? Turk: Hey. J.D. turns to the NURSES' STATION, where Turk and Carla are hanging out. The clock on the wall behind them reads 7:30. Turk: She wanted to come back and help. And I wasn't gonna let my baby be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot. Carla: If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy, don't even bother. Elliot enters, even more depressed, a new batch of smoothies in hand. Elliot: I got everyone's smoothies. They were out of Orange Goo Goo. Carla: How can we help, Bambi? J.D.: Okay, if we're ever gonna figure out what's wrong with that lady, we need to get a whole bunch of tests done. J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing wrong with needing your friends to take care of someone.... It's better than missing out on your family because you're stuck making new friends.... Cut to... PRISON Dr. Cox is in a small room with a guard and a shackled, tattooed prisoner. As he writes in the chart, he picks a small photo off the top and hands it to the prisoner. Dr. Cox: That's, uh, that's my son. Prisoner: He's adorable. Can I keep it? Dr. Cox: No, no you--you certainly may not! He grabs the photo back. Dr. Cox: Bad man. J.D.'s Narration: Still, even that's not the worst.... Cut back to... HOSPITAL J.D.: 'Kay, I'll get the x-ray, you two go work on the echo-cardiogram, and then all three of us will meet back here and deal with the abdominal CAT-scan, okay? Carla: Got'cha. Turk: Mm-hmm. They split up as Elliot stands idly by. Elliot: Well, what can I do? J.D.: [from down the hall] We got it, Elliot. J.D.'s Narration: Being such a mess that your friends don't even ask for your help? That's the bottom of the barrel. Elliot does the only thing she can -- she takes a sip of her smoothie. ~~ COMMERCIALS ~~ NURSES' STATION J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes in life, all there is to do is ponder your own shortcomings by cannon-balling four straight 32-ounce, protein-enhanced smoothies. Elliot sucks down the last bit of the final smoothie. She faces Laverne behind the desk. Elliot: Eugh. [burp] Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow. Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened? Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah.... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're _very_ white. Dr. Kelso approaches. Dr. Kelso: [squeak, squeak, squeak] Where the hell's Ted? He walks (and squeaks) on to continue his search. Ted pops up from behind the desk, playing with his paddle-ball. Lawyer: Hundred and nine is my record. Elliot: Mm. Ted plays with his toy a bit again, only making contact about twice before missing. Lawyer: Da-amn! ~~ X-Ray Lab J.D. is talking with the young technician, Laddy. J.D.: Look, I know you're the only x-ray tech on tonight, all right? But I just need a quick abdominal scan to make sure Mrs. Farr doesn't have an obstruction. Laddy: Uh-uh-uh! Don't want to know who they are! Don't want to know how they're doing! Just wanna go "click-click!" and get 'em out of here! [looks at his chart] Now, your lady's about forty people down on the list. And as always, uh, there are no cutsies. He points at a sign that reads "No Cutsies" J.D.: [under breath] Damn! Look, uhh.... There's gotta be something I can do. Cut to... A Bit Later J.D. and Laddy are shirtless. J.D. struggles back into his. Laddy excitedly gestures to a strange x-ray on the lightboard. Laddy: See, because of the way I laid on top of you, I can tell people this is an x-ray of Siamese twins! How cool is that! J.D.: It's so cool, Laddy, let's never talk to anyone about it, ever! Laddy: [sad] Oh. ~~ HALL Turk and Carla are approaching the closed office door of Dr. Mitchell Franks. Turk: I don't understand how you think you can get this cardiologist to do an echo-cardiogram for us. Carla: I've worked in the Cath. Lab before -- I understand how these guys think. Plus I had a one-nighter with him a long time ago. Turk: Okay! Oh-ho-ho! You're telling me this guy in here got tasty treats? Carla: Turk! I worked here eight years before you showed up -- I had sexual needs. Turk: Okay, first of all, that's disgusting. Carla: Are you jealous? Turk: Nahhh.... Carla: Ahhh, so you don't mind if I go in there alone. She zips in and closes the door behind her. Turk nabs the stethoscope from a passing staffer's shoulders. Turk: Thank you. He listens as he presses the chest piece against the door. From inside, Carla whacks her hand against the door. Turk jumps back, his ears hurt. Turk: AGH! Cut to... INSIDE THE OFFICE Carla approaches the doc's desk. Carla: So, Mitchell, I guess I was just hoping that you would help us out with this patient, Mrs. Farr. The guy is taking off his white coat, preparing to leave. Mitchell: Carla, love to, really, but, uh, it's already six and it's my son's birthday tonight. Carla picks up and looks at one of the desk's framed photos. Carla: How old is he? Mitchell: He's ten. Carla: And how long ago was that night that you told me you were single and you took me dancing...? Mitchell: Eight years. I'll see you in the patient's room. Carla turns to the door and smiles to herself. Cut to... OUTSIDE THE OFFICE Turk is waiting. Carla exits with her scrubs top all hiked up over her bra. She works to pull it down. Carla: [still smiling] All taken care of. She walks off. Turk chases after her. Turk: How is that funny? ~~ DOCTORS' LOUNGE Dr. Cox and Jordan are sitting on the couch in the darkened room. She has the baby in a little sailor outfit. Jordan: Don't you love the outfit? Dr. Cox: You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he's quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right? ...Right? Jordan: I may have painted his toenails for funsies. Dr. Cox whines vaguely. J.D. enters. J.D.: Dr. Cox, I managed to get some tests done on Mrs. Farr.... Dr. Cox: Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now to hear this from me: Every time I go out of my way to help you children, I get nothing but trouble. Now this is the first five-minute window I've had in the last week to be with my son. And I'm just not gonna have you pirouetting around in here while my heart is breaking inside. J.D.: Sorry. J.D. leaves. Jordan: Your heart is breaking inside? [laughs] That is so embarrassing for you! Dr. Cox: Thank you for that. ~~ BATHROOM Elliot is sadly staring at herself in the mirror. The Janitor opens the door. Elliot: What are you doing in here!? Janitor: It's...the men's room. He points at the sign on the door. Yep, it's the men's room. Elliot: [defensive] I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then...tried them, and found them...oddly comfortable.... Janitor: I'm just gonna replace these, uh, urinal cakes [sniffs one], and then, uh, I'll go. Elliot: [whines to herself] Why can't I just grow up? Why can't I be stronger? Janitor? Have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way? Janitor: No.... I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid; even though at the time I thought she was my mother. She said, "Time spent wishing is time wasted." Now, she died shortly after that, and my sister -- who actually _was_ my mother -- she never got over it. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this: If you want to be different, then be different! Elliot: [smiling gratefully] Thank you. J.D.: Well, we're all under one roof here, we gotta watch out for each other, right? Come on! He encouragingly gestures for her to leave the men's room. Elliot: [happy] 'Kay. She passes J.D. as he enters. Janitor: There he is. The Janitor sticks his foot out, tripping J.D., who steps into the mop bucket and rolls across the room. J.D.: Whoooa! Agh! He crashes off screen. Janitor: Watch out. J.D.'s Thoughts: Ow. Cut to... MRI ROOM J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, that's when we ran into a brick wall. Carla, Turk, and J.D. (who holds an ice-pack to his head) face Dr. Moyer. Dr. Moyer: I'm head of the radiology department. You call me in from home to do an abdominal CAT-scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It's not happening. J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer-- Dr. Moyer: THESE ARE MY MACHINES! Carla: Sir-- Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES! Turk: Whose machines? Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES! J.D.: How is that helpful? Dr. Moyer: [throwing a tantrum] THEY'RE MINE! MINE! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES!! MY MACHINES!!!-- ~~ ELEVATOR Dr. Kelso is waiting for the elevator to continue on to his floor. Dr. Cox steps on. Dr. Kelso: [squeak, squeak, squeak] Dr. Cox pushes the stop button and turns to Kelso, cracking his knuckles. Dr. Kelso: Oh, so you're going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point you're just beating up an old man. Dr. Cox: Relax. I'm just fixing your nose. He grabs Kelso by the back of the head and tips his face back so he can shine a light up there and inspect. Dr. Kelso: Mmgh! [squeak] Dr. Cox: Now, I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you, there, Bob -- I shouldn't have done that. [he releases Kelso] Even if it did actually feel so damn good I changed my pants afterwards. Dr. Kelso: [squeak] Dr. Cox: But, still, I'm starting to think it would be smart if you and I were to bury the hatchet. What do you say, there, Bob? Dr. Kelso: [squeak] Dr. Cox: Come, on, handsome! He laughs encouragingly. Dr. Kelso chuckles and slugs Perry in the arm. But then... Dr. Kelso: Listen up, ace: You will always be a royal pain in my ass, and I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam that Knfe into your side once and for all; and you know it as well as I do! [squeak] Dr. Cox grabs Kelso's face and straightens his nose. Kelso takes an experimental breath. No squeak. Dr. Kelso: Much better, thanks! Dr. Cox: You're welcome. Dr. Kelso: People don't change, Perry. Cut to... ELLIOT'S ROOM It's pink. Everywhere. There are stuffed animals. There's also Elliot on the bed, hugging a teddy bear and looking sad. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "American Girl" starts up. Elliot's Thoughts: So you're just gonna roll over and give up like you always do? Or are you finally gonna get mad and do something about it? As the song blares on, Elliot snaps, ripping the head off her teddy bear; tearing apart her cute, delicate room; clearing out her closet of frilly clothes, ripping down her adorable cat poster -- but then having second thoughts and putting that back up. In the second part of the sequence, she sits nervously in a salon chair, having her hair cut. And finally, she strides confidently through the hospital hall, her hair in a spunky shag, her eyes heavily lined, and dressed in tight black jeans and a black tnk top. The song fades as we return to... THE MRI ROOM Dr. Moyer is still having his tantrum before Carla, J.D., and Turk. Dr. Moyer: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!!! The new Elliot enters. Everyone is surprised by what they see. Elliot: Dr. Moyer, you're gonna give Mrs. Farr the abdominal CAT-scan, and I'll tell you why: You remember that colon patient of mine that you screwed up on? Well I'm gonna tell him exactly whose fault that was, and then I'm gonna spend every waking second helping him figure out how to physically and financially bitch-slap you, even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, chuckles. Dr. Moyer: [angry but beaten] Bring her down. Carla: Elliot! Turk: Hell, zhyeah! They follow Elliot out of the room. J.D. stands there in shock. J.D.: Wow. Cut to... DOCTORS' LOUNGE The gng are sitting around the room, studying their test results. J.D.'s Thoughts: It feels good to work as a team and gather all the pieces of the puzzle together so we can finally look Mrs. Farr in the face and tell her...we still don't know what the hell she has. J.D.: Dammit, why can't we figure out what's wrong with this lady? Dr. Cox enters. Dr. Cox: All right, you guys. What do you know so far? Carla: The echo ruled out an aortic dissection. Turk: The abdominal CT would have shown if it was biliary disease. Dr. Cox: Think. What's her background? Elliot: Persian Sephardic Jew. Dr. Cox: Aw, come on, you guys, gimme a break -- you know this. J.D.: Familial Mediterranean fever. Dr. Cox: Atta boy. J.D.'s Narration: I'm actually grateful most things don't change. Cut to... NURSES' STATION The non work continues, with the Janitor giving Nurse Roberts a backrub and Ted sitting on the desk playing with his paddle-ball. The now silent Kelso surprises them with his sudden arrival. Dr. Kelso: Hello, slackers! Ted falls off the desk with a cry. Lawyer: [out of view] My paddle's stuck in me! J.D.'s Narration: Not only is the status quo good for work, it's also somewhat comforting. Cut to... HALL Dr. Cox has gathered the gng outside Mrs. Farr's door. Inside, her family is gathered around her. Dr. Cox: Now, I would've never figured it out unless you guys had done the leg work. You four deserve all the credit, really. He turns in to the room. Dr. Cox: Mrs. Farr, Dr. Cox has saved the day! Don't ya just love it? Come here! He moves further into the room to accept his praise, kicking the door shut. J.D.'s Narration: And if something does change, more often than not it just reminds you of feelings you've had all along. J.D. turns to Elliot. J.D.: You look beautiful. She smiles. J.D.'s Narration: Like I said, once you h*t the third year, there aren't a lot of surprises. Behind J.D., Sean arrives. Sean: Hey, Elliot. Elliot: Hey! What are you doing here? She goes over to him and they fall into easy, fun conversation, as J.D. looks on at another missed chance. J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn. END	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "03x01 - My American Girl"}	foreverdreaming
I.C.U. -- Patient's Room J.D. is at the bed of an elderly patient, Mr. Bober. J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk. J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich? Mr. Bober: Pickles! J.D.'s Narration: ...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word.... J.D.: And to drink? Mr. Bober: Pickles! J.D. takes up the chest piece of his stethoscope and holds it to his mouth as he speaks in the hushed melodramatic tones of a game-show host asking the final, big-money question. J.D.: And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again, What did Peter Piper pick a peck of? He holds the "microphone" up to Bober. Mr. Bober: Pickles. Dr. Cox quietly enters. J.D.: Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is _peppers_. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled _peppers_." Dr. Cox: NEWBIE! J.D.: Huh? Dr. Cox: Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!? J.D.: [ashamed] Yes.... Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you. But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system -- the nursing home doctors unload this gomer on us because they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred, and then turf him right back to the good people at Next Stop, Heaven, where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes" and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us! J.D.: Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so...Sayonara, Mr. Bober! He giggles, eliciting a small chuckle from Cox. Dr. Cox: Oh, I could just give you a hug! [J.D. moves forward] Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would... He walks off, ranting to himself. J.D.'s Thoughts: Eh, no biggie. 'Cause here comes my dream girl with a smile just for me. Dreamy music plays as Elliot strides towards J.D. in slow motion. Elliot: J.D.... You know what I love? J.D.: [using his stethoscope "microphone" once more] What? Elliot: [grinning goofily] My boyfriend Sean. With that important news delivered, she goes off again. J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I made one of the biggest mistakes I've made in some time.... Cut to... HALL -- PAYPHONE J.D. is on the phone. J.D.: I'm really bummed out about Elliot. I just needed someone to talk to. J.D.'s Narration: I called my brother. Flash to... DAN'S PLACE (Technically their mother's attic) Dan: Yeah, boo-frickin'-hoo. Listen, I'm so glad you called. You know how Mom's getting remarried again for the seventh time? Well, this is turning into such a hassle for me.... Flash back to... HOSPITAL HALL J.D. rolls his eyes as he listens to Dan ramble. J.D.'s Narration: And with that, I had reopened the door that I had successfully closed years ago. Cut to... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LATER J.D. is walking through the living room, talking on the phone. J.D.: Yes, Dan, I got your eleven messages. Now, because you're my brother, I'm gonna put this nicely: Leave me alone. Cut to... HALL Dan is leaning against the wall as he talks to J.D. Dan: This whole Mom thing doesn't bother you? J.D.: Yes, it's klling me. [there's a knock at the door] So much so that I have to go, okay? Dan: All right, buddy. I'll see you soon. J.D. hangs up the phone and answers the door. To Dan! Dan: Real soon. He charges at J.D., and throws him to the floor. J.D.: Wait! Dan! Hoog! Turk comes out of the bathroom to see the two brothers at his feet. Turk: 'Sup, Dan. Dan: Christopher! Looks like we have the makings of a dog-pile here. J.D.: Turk, don't. Turk: Sorry, dude. I gotta! Turk throws himself down on the guys, J.D., unseen behind the couch, shrieks. ~~ ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Elliot and Carla are hanging out. Elliot: [sighs] I miss Sean. Carla: Awww. Elliot: This long-distance thing is klling me. Carla: Well, are you having phone-sex? Elliot: Uhhh, gross! ...Have you and Turk ever done it? Carla: Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call. You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him...and how worldly he is. Elliot: Yeah, well I'm not comfortable doing it here, anyway. I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy next door listens to every single thing I say. She presses her ear against the wall. Elliot: Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing! Pan to... NEXT DOOR APARTMENT On the other side of the wall, a large bulldog sits, panting. Pan back to... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Elliot: You sick bastard! Carla: Look, you just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious. Cut to... WOODS -- NIGHT Elliot is on her cell phone. Elliot: Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? ... Okay, ummm, now imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck and-- Can you hear me? Sean? ... Good. Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts-- Are you there? ... Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over. ... Your nipples. ... Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples! There's a gasp from behind the bushes, which part to reveal a young Scout troop on a hike, their flashlights pointed at Elliot. Kid: Look, Oliver! Elliot: [to Sean] I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later! ~~ TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- EVENING Turk and J.D. are sitting around. J.D.: Dude, we have to get my brother out of here -- he's driving me crazy. Dan comes out of the bathroom. Dan: I did not -- repeat, did not -- just drop a toothbrush in the toilet. Turk: Was it blue? Dan: Yellow. J.D. groans. Turk: Oh, don't sweat it. So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh? Dan: Ugh, yeah! He comes over and plops himself between the guys on the couch. Dan: To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic. J.D.: Oh, the audacity. Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school.... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! [laughing] Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name? J.D.: Amy. Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that? J.D.: She was my girlfriend. Dan: Right. You got her number? J.D.: No. Dan looks over at Turk who mouths "I got it." ~~ OPENING THEME (Sort of...) COMMERCIALS ~~ TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- MORNING Turk and Dan are on the couch. Dan: [humming a note] Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ Turk: [humming a higher note] Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ J.D. comes in from his bedroom. Dan: Hey! Hey! Check this out! Turk and I have been working on our harmonizing. Dan: A-one, a-two, a-one, two three: Turk and Dan fart in unison, and crack up laughing. J.D.: Haunting. Dan: You've always had the talent, little brother. You get in on this, and we could take this on the road! *FANTASY: PLAYHOUSE Turk, Dan, and J.D. are dressed up in barbershop quartet (or, in this case, trio) outfits. They perform a musical flatulence number, and the audience goes wild -- from inside the safety of the necks of their shirts. END FANTASY J.D.: [dreamy] I love the theatre.... Behind him, Turk reaches into the freezer for his shorts. Turk: Ah! Come to papa! J.D.: Turk! Can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener! Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold. Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation -- you don't want that. A strategically placed bottle of juice allows us to see everything but Turk's flagpole as he hikes up his skivvies. Turk: Ahhhhhh! J.D.: This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband doesn't want you in the house. Dan: Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. ...Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex. J.D.: They did? Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market. J.D.: Oh, that's great! I--I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car? Dan: No, they wanted me. ~~ HOSPITAL -- HALL Turk catches up with Carla. Turk: Hey! My nephew just asked what you're wearing today. How cute is that? Carla: [giggles] Not as cute as you think. They approach... NURSES' STATION Elliot is there. Carla: Hey. Elliot: Carla.... I've gotta scrape some cash together to see Sean. Dr. Kelso arrives with a young doctor and the ubiquitous Ted the Lawyer in tow. Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up: It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kll someone over there, great; but if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is. Lawyer: No...moonlighting. Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended _without pay_ for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attck classes were worth the money! Is my message clear? [in unison] Doc: Yeah, uh-huh. Doc 2: Yes, sir. Turk: Uh-huh. Carla: Absolutely, sir. Absolutely. Elliot: No moonlighting, sir! Satisfied, Dr. Kelso leaves, Ted trailing along behind. Elliot: So, where do you guys moonlight? Female Doc: Insurance physicals. Male Doc: Free clinic. Turk: Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially -- I just got the offer today -- but I'd make more money than I do now, riding around in an ambulance, and even though I'll be handling breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee, who is very secure with the--will let me-- Carla doesn't look like she'll let him anything. Turk: [meek] I ride around in an ambulance. Meanwhile... HALL J.D. is coming in to work. J.D.'s Narration: Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable. He was okay with it. The camera angle widens to reveal Dan walking along with J.D. Dan: Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there? J.D.: Nah, usually I'm in there by myself. Dan: So, yes. Listen, uh, my buddy Wayne lives a couple miles upstate, and so, uh, he's got himself a new bumper pool table -- I'm gonna be taking off tonight. J.D.: Oh, thank God. J.D. spots Dr. Cox further down the hall. J.D.: Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan? Dan: Whatta ya say, Coxy! Dr. Cox: Nothing! Dan: That's a first. J.D.: [quietly] This is my boss, Dan. Dr. Cox: You know what a boss is: For you, that would be the seventeen-year-old that tells you to clean out the grease-trap after you've filled all the ketchups. Dan: [faking amusement] Oh, my ribs! J.D. pulls out a dollar and hands it to Dan. J.D.: Uh, Dan, why don't you go get a snack cake? Dan: Snack cake. Dan goes down the hall to the snack machine. J.D.: Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.... Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff -- "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..." His eyes follow an imaginary figure plummeting towards the floor. J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox... Dr. Cox holds up a finger: "Wait for it." Dr. Cox: ..."Pff." J.D.: I just want to say, thank you. Dr. Cox: Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us? J.D.: [vaguely imitating Cox] "Nooooooooo..." Heh. "Poof." Heh. Dr. Cox spins around. Dr. Cox: Dan? [whistles] Come! He pulls Dan down the hall, leaving J.D. to savor his bitterness. ~~ I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Carla is there, as usual, as it Turk. Elliot arrives. Elliot: Thanks a lot, Turk! I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job because they said you took it after all! Carla: What!? Turk: Yes, I took it! But, it pays better, and we both know that this job is about helping women detect breast cancer, and nothing more! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. He gives himself a sht of breath spray before taking off. Carla shouts after him. Carla: Well, have fun! 'Cause you'll never see "the girls" again! She hefts her breasts in demonstration, then turns to Elliot. Carla: Hey, Elliot, the place where I moonlight pays pretty well. I can call them for you. Elliot: Cool! What's the gig? Cut to... CLINIC HALL Carla and Elliot, in white lab coats, are walking through this place where Carla moonlights. Carla: It's great. It's just emergency patch and fix work -- it's no different than treating a patient at our hospital, okay? Elliot: Okay. They enter the exam room of their first patient -- a squealing pot-bellied pig. Elliot's eyes widen. ~~ HOSPITAL -- I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox and J.D. have work at the desk. Dan watches. An orderly wheels Mr. Bober in. Dr. Cox: Oh-ho! Lookie here! [kneels next to Bober] Uh, tell me sir, what is it that brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital? Mr. Bober: Pickles. Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Dan: [to J.D.] What's a gomer? J.D.: A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die. Dan: See, now that's just rude is what that is. J.D.: Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't--I don't have time for pickles right now. I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's gonna tell me this time things'll be different, then try to take my watch again. He notices his bare wrist. J.D.: Dammit! [to Cox] Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery? Dr. Cox: Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away. J.D. leaves the paperwork to Cox and wheels Mr. Bober out. Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma. He follows Dr. Cox down the hall. Dr. Cox: Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness you gotta deal with this place any way you can. Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here. Cox stops. Dr. Cox: I'm s--I'm s--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do? Dan: I tend bar. Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan: I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle. He continues down the hall... Dr. Cox: [pretend phone call] Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue -- couldn't be more confused! ~~ VET CLINIC -- EXAM ROOM Carla is helping Elliot assimilate. Carla: Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door? Elliot: Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't know what it is, but all cats hate me. I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out. Carla: Okay. Suddenly, Elliot races into the room of cats. Perplexed by what frightened her, Carla turns around to see Dr. Kelso. Dr. Kelso: Well, well, well.... Elliot made a bad choice, as the cats attck her, yowling, hissing, and God knows what else. She runs around the room, passing the small door in the window several times, as she tries to dodge cats. Elliot: Agggghhhh! Stupid kitty! Hey! Get off me! Stupid cats! She escapes the room, and shouts in at her attackers... Elliot: YOU ALL SUCK! ...then slams the door. Elliot: Hi, sir. ~~ HOSPITAL -- ENTRANCE J.D. is saying goodbye to Dan. J.D.: Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days.... Dan: Two days. J.D.: Feels like three. But, uh, say hi to Wayne, and good luck in the bumper pool tournament. Dan: Yeah, actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving. J.D.: Why!? Dan: Well, 'cause I'm worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now, I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning into. It's definitely not my little brother. J.D.: You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell _me_ what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life? Dan: But we're brothers. That counts for something, right? J.D.: Not to me. After a moment of awkward silence, J.D. goes back into the building. ~~ COMMERCIALS ~~ TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- MORNING Dan works in the kitchen as Turk and J.D. sit at the counter eating breakfast. J.D.'s Narration: Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened. Dan handles a hot pancake... Dan: Ah! Ah! ...and plops it on J.D.'s plate. Dan: How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother? J.D.: Chocolate chippity good! Dan: More whipped cream, Christopher? Turk: Bring it! Dan picks up the can and squirts some whipped cream right into Turk's mouth. Turk: Mmm-ghmmmm! Dan: I just want to say before I ht the road, it's been great hanging with you; and Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but, um-- There's a gurgling noise. Dan: Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be back in just under four minutes. He races off to the bathroom. ~~ HOSPITAL -- HALL Carla and Elliot are walking through. Elliot: Look, Carla, I cannot afford to be suspended right now. I'm gonna have to resort to blackmail. Carla: How are we gonna blackmail Kelso? Elliot: No, no, no, no, no! Unless you take the fall for both of us, I'm telling Turk you're sleeping with someone. Carla: Relax, Elliot. I have a secret wapon! She opens the door of... LEGAL COUNSEL OFFICE Ted the Lawyer is busy primping in a mirror, a huge black wig on his head. When he sees the girls, he whips it off his head. Lawyer: You saw nothing! He guiltily ditches his comb. ~~ PARKING LOT -- BASKETBALL HOOP J.D. and Turk are gonna squeeze in some one-on-one before work. J.D. hits the "court" in a 'do-rag and a black, sleeveless tee that reads "Black By Popular Demand". J.D.: Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man. I got a lot of compliments from the sistas. Sharon the security guard even called me a cracka! Turk: Dude, how many time I gotta tell you? crcker -- bad! Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off? J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you. Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari -- formerly Bob -- gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss...and we hug...and we apologize for all the things we said.... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! J.D. considers this. Turk: Now check the ball, cracka! He throws the ball at J.D., who absent-mindedly tosses it through the basket from way down court. Must be the outfit. J.D.: One-nothing. ~~ LEGAL COUNSEL OFFICE Elliot and Carla wait as Ted returns his wig to its foam wig-stand. Lawyer: You're home now. He walks behind his desk. Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted? Lawyer: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like. Kelso enters. Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, suspendees, Ted. Guess who's back from the vet! One, two, three! Dr. Kelso's dog follows him in, and leaps into his arms on command. Dr. Kelso: [laughing and hugging the dog] What a boy! Kelso returns his dog to the floor, where he obediently stands at his master's side. Lawyer: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions, really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren't working with people -- just animals. Dr. Kelso: "Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He's definitely smarter than _you_. Lawyer: Sir, I don't think-- Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit! The dog sits. Dr. Kelso: Ted, sit! Ted falls to his chair. Carla: Ted, you don't have to! Lawyer: Shut up! I can win this! Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak! Baxter barks. Dr. Kelso: Ted, speak! Lawyer: Hellooooooooo! Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot! The dog raises its left paw. Dr. Kelso: Ted, left hand! Ted reflexively raises his right hand. Elliot: Left hand, Ted. Lawyer: Hellooooooooooo! Dr. Kelso: Baxter wins! He gets the desk. Baxter, go up! The dog jumps into Ted's chair. ~~ ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Dan amuses himself by tipping the open desk partition down. From behind the desk, the Janitor leaps up, yelling and gripping his injured hand. Janitor: Aaaaaagggghhhhh-hagghh! Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!? Dan: Gee, I dunno. Janitor: Who are you? Dan: Waiting for my brother. J.D. arrives. J.D.: Hey, Dan. Janitor: Well, isn't that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less! Both brothers look down. Janitor: Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room? J.D.: [pointing] That way. The Janitor rushes off. J.D.: So, you...taking off? Dan: Yeah. J.D.: Look, um, Dan...I wanna apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around. Dan: No you don't. J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face. But, honestly, you're my brother; you can crash at my place as long as you like. Dan: That's okay. I'll see you back home at Christmas. They share an awkward hug then, without another word, split and go their own ways. ~~ DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Kelso is doing some paperwork as Elliot, Carla, and Ted come in. Dr. Kelso: [not looking up] Why are you here. Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him. Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash. Lawyer: Baxter won't get out of my chair. Dr. Kelso gives them his attention. Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla...Carla...Carla." Elliot: Sir, what--wh--what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives. Carla: Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to. Dr. Kelso: I'll see you two in the morning. Now get out of my office before I change my mind. Carla and Elliot happily leave, and Ted is about to follow until he sees Kelso pick up the phone. Dr. Kelso: [into phone] Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions -- once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. ... I love you, too. He hangs up. Lawyer: That was...beautiful, sir! Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight. He gets up from his desk and leaves. HOSPITAL -- EXTERIOR, EVENING Dr. Cox exits the hospital, ready to go home. Dan, who'd been waiting just outside the door, catches up with him. Dan: Hey, Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy. Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a [does air quotes] screw-up; [more air quotes] always have been. [chuckles] For instance, when we were kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school! [laughing] Just 'cause! Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother-- Dan: Well... Dr. Cox: --but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed. Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace -- sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way to b*at that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' -- I'm telling you -- take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me. J.D.'s Narration: Love can give you strength you never knew you had. Dan: It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox. He holds out his hand. Cox, most sincere, shakes it, sealing their deal. Dr. Cox: Good to see you, Dan. All the best. Dr. Cox continues out to his car. Dan finally exhales. J.D.'s Narration: Love can also give you courage. Meanwhile... VET CLINIC Carla is treating a cat as Elliot comes in. Elliot: Lots of cats today! Heh! What's wrong with this guy? Carla: I think he's got something stuck behind his big, sharp tooth. The cat hisses menacingly, but Elliot takes a calming breath and approaches it. J.D.'s Narration: As for me, it's enough just to love my brother, even though I know he'll never come up big for me. Cut to... HOSPITAL HALL -- NEXT DAY J.D. wheels Mr. Bober through. Dr. Cox catches up with him. Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back. J.D.: Here we go with this guy again. Dr. Cox: Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love. I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you? J.D.: No.... Dr. Cox: Don't forget that. Mr. Bober: Pickles. Dr. Cox: Damn right, sir. [chuckles] Damn right. END	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "03x05 - My Brother, Where Art Thou?"}	foreverdreaming
TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk and J.D. are on the sofa playing a video game, as Carla busies herself in the kitchen. J.D.'s Narration: It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town.... Mostly because she cleans our apartment. Carla holds up an old pancake. Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer? Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the _pancake drawer_? Wuhuh!! J.D. pours some nuts from the bowl on the coffee table into his mouth. Carla: Hey, those nuts are for my brother, please don't eat 'em all! J.D. opens his mouth and allows the nuts to fall back into the bowl. Turk: Baby, why you makin' such a big deal about your brother coming, anyway? Carla: He's my baby brother! I practically raised him! Now, I want you to try and get along with him this time? If you do, I promise to fulfill that fantasy of yours -- but not with the weird outfit, and none of those crazy toys. Turk: So we'd just have normal sex.... Carla: If I'm not sleepy! Turk: Deal. Carla goes to put something away in the bedroom. J.D.: What's up with you and her brother, anyway? Did something happen at her mother's funeral? *FLASHBACK: MORTUARY PARKING LOT Turk and Carla get out of the car. A young man in a vest comes over. Turk throws him the keys. Turk: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Just so you know, this is a rental and I got the mileage right up here [taps head], so no joy-rides, comprende? Carla: Turk! This is my brother, Marco! Turk: Sorry for your loss.... END FLASHBACK Turk: I mean, who wears a vest to a funeral, anyway, man? The doorbell rings. Carla rushes to answer it. J.D.'s Narration: The amazing thing wasn't that Carla's brother hated Turk... Carla: Marco!!! Marco: Carla!!! Carla: {spanish} They give each other a big hug and babble excitedly in Spanish, but are drowned out by... J.D.'s Narration: ...it was that he was able to keep it up without even speaking the same language. Carla: {spanish} Marco: Okay. Carla: Esta J.D. Marco: Oh, hey. Hey. Carla: Y te conoce Turk. Marco: [sighs] Que pasa. Subtitle: What's happening? He tosses his keys at Turk. Marco: Sangano. Subtitle: Jackass. Turk: Dude, you were wearin' a vest! Vesto! J.D.'s Narration: Still, I had my own problems. Cut to... HOSPITAL -- ON-CALL ROOM -- NIGHT J.D.'s lying on the bottom bunk, lost in thought. J.D.'s Narration: Even though she had a boyfriend, I was still crazy about Elliot. And, God bless her, she wasn't making it any easier. Elliot crawls in next to him. Elliot: Hey. J.D.: What are you doing? Elliot: All the beds are taken. Scoot. J.D.: Bunk with The Todd! Elliot: J.D., you know that he is a sleep humper. Todd sticks his face over the side of the top bunk. Todd: Sometimes when I'm banging this mattress, I'm thinking about banging that one! Elliot's cell phone rings. Elliot: [into phone] Hello? ... Sean!? Where are you? ... The west coast of New Zealand? I'm in the on-call room! ... Hey, J.D.'s here! She holds her phone out to J.D. Elliot: J.D., say hi! He reluctantly takes it. J.D.: [into phone] Oh, hey Sean. He snaps her phone off and hands it back. Elliot: Uh!? J.D.: Oh! You wanted to keep talking? J.D.'s Thoughts: How are you supposed to get over someone when you have to be around them all the time? FLASHBACK MONTAGE: REM's "Bad Day" plays over scenes of J.D. trying to suppress his feelings for Elliot despite her oblivion. She puts her breasts in his face as she reaches around him for something in the supply closet; she rests her head on his shoulder as they perform a lengthy medical procedure together; she rubs some food off his cheek with a saliva-moistened finger and J.D. wipes his finger across the spot and rubs it on his lips; and, after sitting on the steps outside together, she brushes the dirt off J.D.'s butt, to his secret satisfaction. END FLASHBACK MONTAGE J.D. cuddles Elliot as she sleeps. J.D.'s Thoughts: This night could not get any worse. The top bunk mattress starts bouncing. J.D.: [loud whisper] Todd! You're having a dream! Wake up! Todd sticks his head over the side of the bunk. Todd: Dude, I _am_ awake. With that, he goes back to bouncing the mattress. J.D., horrified, holds tighter to Elliot. ~~ OPENING THEME (Kind of...) COMMERCIALS (Oh, definitely.) ~~ HOSPITAL HALL -- DAY Dr. Cox and Jordan are walking through. Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs. Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after. Jordan: [sighs] I got board meetings all day, but I'll see you for dinner tonight. She gives him a string of kisses. Jordan: Bye, wife(?) She walks on down the hall. Dr. Cox: Rreowr. Continue to... ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox walks in on all the young doctors lounging around the waiting room watching the TV. Elliot prods the dozing Doug Murphy. Elliot: Doug! Doug! Doug: [waking] I don't wanna be a doctor! Dr. Cox flips off the TV. Doctors: Awww. Dr. Cox: Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says, [Dr. Phil impression] "And how...is that working out...for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well...all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole. Elliot: [impressed] Hm! Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly. [laughs weakly] GO!!! They all leap out of their chairs and scatter. Dr. Cox: Say, Angela.... J.D. and a blonde colleague stop and turn. J.D.: Oh, I think he means _me_, Angela. Angela continues on. J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder what I did now. Dr. Cox: Lookit, this new gig is a great opportunity for me, and I--I want it to go well. And, for some reason, all these other bobble-heads seem to look up to you, so it would make my life one hell of a lot easier if you got in line behind me. J.D.: No problem. J.D. goes on back to work. Cut to... ELEVATOR J.D. is riding with a young blonde woman soon to be known as Danni. Danni looks exceptionally like Tara Reid. J.D.'s Thoughts: I guess people can surprise you. Danni: We'd still die. J.D.: We'd still what? Danni: If the elevator cable snapped, even if we timed it out perfectly and jumped up right before impact, we'd still be crushed to death. I wish I'd taken the stairs. J.D.: Me too. Danni: Sorry, sometimes I just have this inner monologue running through my head. J.D.'s Thoughts: Inner monologue? Weirdo! The elevator stops and the doors open. J.D.: That's my floor. He steps out. Danni: Lucky bastard. ~~ NURSES' STATION Carla and her brother Marco are at one end, while Turk checks a chart on the other. Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: Look, Mr. Shiny Head over there is pretending not to watch us. You say something and I'll laugh so he thinks we're mocking him. Carla: Marco, {spanish} Subtitle: Marco, I'm not going to do that. Marco cracks up laughing, bent over, clapping and wheezing in an over-the-top way which is really terrifying. Turk, self-conscious, slinks away. Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: That's enough. Marco straightens with a gasp. ~~ I.C.U. Dr. Kelso has the young doctors gathered for rounds. Elliot rushes up to J.D. Elliot: [quiet] What'd I miss? Dr. Kelso: It's come to my attention... J.D.: [whispering] Something's come to his attention. Dr. Kelso: ...that some family members of our critically ill patients have been complaining because of the relatively small amount of time you all spend with their loved ones. 'Course, in Dr. Murphy's case that's probably a good thing. Doug: Sir, if I could just take this chance to explain my disturbingly high mortality rate? Dr. Kelso: Why don't I do that for you? You're a bad doctor. Now, complaints are just a stone's throw away from lawsuits, so from this point on, I don't care how bleak a patient's prognosis is -- you are going to give each and every one of them the same amount of your time. J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, our new residency director felt a little differently. Cut to... I.C.U. -- A BIT LATER Dr. Cox is leading the group of doctors through, pointing at various patients. Dr. Cox: dad. dad. dad. dad. And, oh my goodness, if we don't have somebody here that we might be able to help. Miss Bartow is thirty-six, she is septic, and she is in respiratory failure. Dr. Weiss, I want you to draw three sets of surveillance cultures. Mr. Murphy-- Doug: _Dr._ Murphy? Dr. Cox: [rocks hand and makes vague noises of uncertainty] ...Just go ahead and get a steady BG. We are going to try to wean her off of the vent today, so I want all of you people to give her most of your attention. J.D.: I say we listen to Dr. Cox, and do exactly what he says. Dr. Cox: That's unbelievable. Elliot: But, Dr. Cox, earlier today Dr. Kelso was telling us that he wants-- Dr. Cox: Ugssshhhhh. I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth; unless, of course, it's "Oh, my God! I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait a minute, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, htler. Hello, Mussolini. Captain Kangaroo? _That's_ weird!" Don't you see, Barbie, I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of dolphin sex. Elliot: Dolphin _trainer_ sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer. Dr. Cox: Here that's a shame, because the whole dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on! J.D.: You heard him, people! We're moving on! Dr. Cox: Oh, God help me. J.D.: ...God help him! ~~ CAFETERIA J.D. and Elliot are having lunch together. J.D. stares at Elliot as she stares off into space, her chin in her hand. J.D.'s Thoughts: My _God_, is there a sexier woman in the world? Suddenly, she snaps out of it and jumps up. Elliot: Mm. I gotta go -- my chin hair is back. J.D.'s Thoughts: [watching after her] Ohhhh, I wish she'd cut it off and give it to me. He turns back to his meal to suddenly see the young blonde from the elevator sitting across from him. J.D.: Oh, GOD! Danni: I don't mind it at the movies, sitting alone. But eating alone is sad and pathetic. J.D.: Are you stalking me? Danni: Nooo. My sister just had a baby, so I'm doing the whole aunt thing. Plus, it's a really great excuse to run away from a relationship. My boyfriend just dumped me, so of course now I love him more than ever. J.D.: So, is there any chance of you guys getting back together? Danni: Well, he's engaged, and he's getting married in two weeks...but, yeah, I think so. J.D. grins. Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know. J.D.: Yeah, it does. You know what we need to do? Uhh...? Danni: Danni. J.D.: J.D. Danni: Hi! J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes; no more waiting for the phone to ring; no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in the hopes that she'll be so grateful, she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and _maybe_ have sex with you after. Danni: Did that work? J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. ...And, yes! ~~ DOCTORS' LOUNGE Carla is watching over Marco's shoulder as he plays PacMan. Marco: Ahh, Senor Blinky. Subtitle: Ahh, Mr. Blinky. Carla: [laughs] Te quela.(?) Marco: Sí. Turk enters. Carla: Oh, hey Turk, why don't you play the next game with Marco? Turk: Baby, I--I hate PacMan. Carla: Really? Because you have bed-sheets that indicate otherwise. Turk: Fine, ask him. Carla: Marco, {spanish} Subtitle: Marco, can Turk play the next game with you? Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: I don't want to be friends with your stupid, melon-headed boyfriend. Turk: Baby, I don't understand why he just doesn't learn English. Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: I bet he's whining about how I don't speak English even though he's never bothered to learn Spanish. ...For the woman he supposedly loves. Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: He's trying to learn. He's already got 'yes', 'no', and 'cheese'. Turk: Hey! Somebody say something about cheese? 'Cause if you gonna make a cheese run, holla at me, dawg! Carla: Baby, when we left the Dominican Republic, Marco never wanted to learn English. He even went to boarding school in Puerto Rico. Imagine what it's like to constantly feel like an outsider just because you're proud of your heritage. Turk: But did you or did you not say something about cheese? Distracted, Marco loses his game. Marco: [at the machine] God, darn you! ~~ I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION The young docs are gathered for their instructions from Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox: Miss Bartow's systemic vascular resistance is falling, so the next couple hours are gonna be crucial, okay? Dr. Kelso walks in. Dr. Kelso: Perry, the fact that these residents are spending most of their time buzzing around that one patient makes me think that you told them to disobey a direct order from me. Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso, that's just not true. Here, I told them to disregard _all_ direct orders from you. Snickering, he goes off to treat his patient. Dr. Kelso turns to the young doctors. Dr. Kelso: I know you all think of me as some heartless monster; still, if your grandmother were here, wouldn't you want her doctor to spend as much time with her as he does with anyone else? J.D.: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Because Nana Hobbs can be an eensy bit rcist. Dr. Kelso: Grandma Dorian. J.D.: She's dad. Dr. Kelso: The point is, sometimes what's best for this hospital _is_ what's best for the patients! I know it, you know it, and guess what, Dr. Cox knows it, too. Although damned if he doesn't disagree with me just because I said it. J.D.: Sir, I don't think that's true. Dr. Kelso hollers to Cox across the ward. Dr. Kelso: Perry! It's hotter than hell in here! Dr. Cox: Freezing! Dr. Kelso: Great coffee, though! Dr. Cox: [raising his paper cup] Rat piss! Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up. Dr. Cox: No, Bob. In fact, he's one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with. Dr. Kelso: [to J.D.] Your witness. With that, he leaves. J.D. looks over at Doug, all smiles, who's dialing the phone on the desk. J.D.: What are you doing? Doug: [excited] I'm calling my dad!!! ~~ HALL J.D. walks through, passing Danni as she hangs up the payphone. She walks along with him, slugging him in the arm as a greeting. Danni: Hey! He bashes against a wall, but bounces back to keep in step with her. J.D.: Oh! Hey, how are you? Danni: Good. So, I did it -- I talked to my ex. J.D.: And...? Danni: And I said, "Congratulations on the wedding, and I hope you two stay happy, and, by the way, size does matter." J.D.: See! That's what happens when you finally have the courage to cut the cord! Before you know it, you'll be ready for someone new to come along. Danni: Hey, you wanna go grab a cup of coffee? J.D.: Ooh, I can't. I got something really important to do. Cut to... ?? J.D. gives Elliot a shoulder massage. Elliot: Thanks, J.D. I am so tense. Someone stole my purse! J.D.: It'll turn up.... J.D.'s Narration: Once the dynamic of a relationship is established, it rarely changes. Cut to... NURSES' STATION Turk stands next to Marco, gnawing on a huge block of cheese. Turk: [offering the block] Queso? Subtitle: Cheese? Marco: Hombre, {spanish} Subtitle: Man, I am so sick of you. Turk: I'm sorry, but I...can't...understand...you! Marco: Yeah? Well, that talking slower and louder thing is not as helpful as you might think. [turning to anyone else in the area] Geez! Can you believe this guy? Janitor: {spanish} Subtitle: Don't get me started. J.D.'s Narration: Of course, if the dynamic does change, it's never as simple as you'd hope. Cut to... I.C.U. Dr. Cox is at the bed of his patient as J.D. checks some x-rays nearby. Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie, listen, I got dinner plans with Jordan, and seeing as you're on-call, whatta you say you pull up a chair, here, in front of Miss Bartow? J.D.'s Narration: ...Especially when it involves someone who's used to you following their lead. J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I'll take care of her, and I'll have my interns help, but you gotta know I have other patients, too, so.... Dr. Cox: Maybe you didn't understand me, there, Violet. I don't want you leaving her side, even if someone thinks they saw Justin Timberlake downstairs. Now, dammit all, are you falling in line with me or not? J.D.: I don't think so. Dr. Cox: [angry] Okay, then. ~~ COMMERCIALS ~~ HALL J.D. looks in at Dr. Cox holding vigil at his patient's bedside. J.D.'s Narration: It was a strange feeling not doing what Dr. Cox wanted me to do. Still, I knew I was right. Jordan approaches from down the hall. J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, God, if Jordan knew I was the reason Dr. Cox canceled dinner tonight, she'd give me the stink-eye and then twist my nurples off. He briefly panics as she stops in front of him. J.D.'s Thoughts: Calm down, tiger. She doesn't know. She narrows her eyes. J.D.'s Thoughts: She knows! She knows! He holds his hands over his chest as she passes. J.D.: Don't worry, guys. I'd never let her hurt you. He blows one of his nipples a kiss. ~~ NUESES' STATION Carla is with her brother. Carla: {Spanish} Subtitle: I'm going to grab my stuff and we'll go. Turk rushes over. Turk: Baby! There you are. He speaks English! Carla: Who? Turk: Your brother; he speaks English. Yo, tell her you speak English! Marco: Que? Subtitle: What? Turk: Don't "que" my-- "Que," my ass! "Que," my ass! Turk lays eyes on the Janitor. He runs over and puts his arm around the guy in desperate friendship. Turk: You were there, and you saw the whole thing. Now you tell her. Janitor: I don't know what you're talking about. Carla: Turk, I would know if my own brother speaks English! Vamano, Marco. Subtitle: Let's go, Marco. She walks on ahead as Marco gives Turk a sly grin. ~~ ADMISSIONS -- EVENING J.D. as doing some work at the front desk. Elliot arrives. Elliot: J.D.! You know all those pictures of us from when we were going out? Do you still have those? J.D.'s Thoughts: Filed alphabetically in my "Elliot Cabinet". J.D.: I don't know.... I might.... Why? Elliot: Well, you know the picture of us at the beach, where I actually look good and you think that you look like Bjork? J.D.: Yeah. Elliot: Well, I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I cut you out of it, and used it in a collage that I'm making for Sean? J.D.: No problem! Elliot: Thanks! She gives him a smooch on the cheek and departs. J.D. watches after her, then turns back to see Danni suddenly in front of him. J.D.: Whoa. Danni: How's the whole moving on thing going? J.D.: It's going great, Danni! In opposite world! Danni: Well, I just wanted to say goodbye. I was gonna stick around for a few more days, but I don't really feel like that there's a reason to. ...Is there? J.D.: Probably not. Danni: I'm gonna miss you. J.D.: I'm gonna miss you, too. Danni: Dude, we just met -- I was kidding. She laughs and starts out the door. J.D.: [laughing to cover] Oh! That was good! No! No, I was doing the same thing! Danni: [waving over her shoulder] Adios. J.D.: Drive safe. ~~ I.C.U. Doug and Dr. Cox are at his patient's bed. Elliot enters the ward. Dr. Cox: Hey, Barbie. How's about you sashay on over here, push those rock & roll bangs out of your face, and keep those peepers on Miss Bartow's hemodynamics! She comes over. Elliot: Oh, first I've gotta discharge Mr. Hale, then get a _____ on Mrs. Peterson, and then, to be perfectly frank, perform a thong extrication on Ms. Reid. Doug: Hey, _your_ last name is Reid! Elliot: Doug. I have underwear in my butt. [to Cox] After that, though, I'll totally swing back by here. She goes, and Doug follows along behind, emitting a little squeak as he examines the site of Ms. Reid's thong extrication. Dr. Kelso chuckles as he approaches Dr. Cox. Dr. Kelso: You're losing them! Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party.... Dr. Cox: Tradition is tradition, Bob. Dr. Kelso: Yeah.... Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why? Dr. Cox: You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death? Dr. Kelso laughs heartily, and Dr. Cox joins in. Suddenly the joviality halts. Dr. Kelso: No. It's because eventually they all start questioning the gospel according to Cox, and you can't handle that. Can you? He goes off snickering to himself. ~~ TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Turk comes home. Marco is in the living room alone. Marco: Hey, jackass. Turk: Hello, Marc. I'm guessing Carla's not around. Marco: She's in the bathroom, [Carla comes out] cepillar sus dientes. Subtitle: Brushing her teeth. Turk pulls Carla to him. Turk: Hey, baby. Gimme some of that minty breath. She pulls away. Carla: Noooooo, not in front of my brother -- that stuff always makes him uncomfortable. She turns to something on a nearby table. Turk: Oh, really? I just wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting by loving you up and down, and all around! He makes some suggestive moves. Irritated, Marco stands, but stops when Carla spins around. Carla: Turk! Turk: Baby, he can't understand you! Now let's go put some more of your footprints on the ceiling! Unable to take it anymore, Marco rushes at Turk. Marco: That's it, you son of a bitch!!! Turk: I told ya! With a grunt, Marco socks Turk in the face, knocking him to the floor. Cut to... HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION J.D. treats Turk's black eye. J.D.: So black people can get black eyes, too, huh? Who knew? Turk: I haven't had one this bad since your Nana Hobbs threw that rock at me. J.D.: She thought you were robbing the house. Elliot and Doug come over. Elliot: J.D.! Did you hear, Miss Bartow's completely s*ab! They go over to Miss Bartow's bed, where Cox is tending to her. Dr. Cox: I don't wanna see you around here anymore, okay? He turns to the gathered doctors. Dr. Cox: All right, come on you guys, you all got work to do! Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there. J.D.: Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle. Dr. Cox: No. Well...yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the "win" column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they...God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot. You know? Point made, lesson delivered, he walks off. J.D.: [to self] I think I do. Cut to... PARKING LOT J.D. scans the area. J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't sure what I was hoping for. ...That somehow Danni had decided not to leave...that she'd snapped her leg in the parking lot.... J.D.: DANNI!? Guy: Yo. J.D.'s Narration: ...All I knew was I'd missed an opportunity. Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Carla and Marco sit on the couch. Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: So when I was a senior in high school, you heard me talking to my friends in English about going on the pill? Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: No, I just learned English a few years ago. Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: Well, good, because I wasn't on the pill, and I'm not now. I've never had sex. I hope it's fun. Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: Why didn't you tell me? Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: I don't know. Mom died, and now you're getting married. You and I have always had a special connection. I guess I just didn't want to lose that. Turk pipes up from a chair across the room, a bag of frozen peas on his eye. Turk: Blah, blah, blah, blah. Carla: Sorry, sweetie. She prods her brother. Marco: [clears throat] Sorry...s-sweetie. Carla: And Turk, you don't mind if every now and then Marco and I speak Spanish to each other, right? Turk: Baby, fo'shizzle-dizzle. Do your thizzle, 'cause I'm up out this pizzle. Chach! See, we got our own secret language, too. Eh-ha! He goes into the bedroom. Marco: {spanish} Subtitle: What did he say? Carla: {spanish} Subtitle: I have no idea. Marco: Sangano. Subtitle: Jackass! Back to... PARKING LOT J.D.'s Narration: No one knew her last name, no one even remembered seeing her. I started to wonder if Danni was even real. I guess that's the thing about life. You don't really-- Danni: Hey, J.D. J.D.: Excuse me! J.D.'s Narration: --You don't really get many second chances. J.D.: Oh! Danni! Hi! I'm sorry, sometimes I have this inner monologue running through my head. Danni: Oh. Danni's Thoughts: Weirdo! Danni: I'm having dinner with my sister tonight, but I swear I'm leaving after that. J.D.: Don't. Stay here with me, we'll get that cup of coffee. Danni: I'm not gonna stick around for one cup of coffee. J.D.: Okay, two cups...and some pie. J.D.'s Thoughts: Finally, I found a girl with no complications. Jordan and Dr. Cox come over. Jordan: Oh, I see you've met my sister! J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, come on. END	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "03x06 - My Advice to You"}	foreverdreaming
DANNI'S BEDROOM -- MORNING J.D. lies staring at the ceiling, with Danni cuddled in his arms. She stirs. J.D.'s Thoughts: She's awake. Say something romantic. J.D.: Do you think this is a good time to start talking about a nickname for my penis? It's just that I-I dated this girl in college who made the decision without consulting me, and then all of a sudden there it was -- eighteen straight months of it being called "Little Buddy". And we just didn't like that; not one bit. Danni: J.D., I haven't even had coffee yet. J.D.: Ah, you're right, I'm sorry. She cuddles closer and they lie quiet for a second. J.D.: "Big Al" for example.... Danni: Why don't you just tell me a story? Something romantic. J.D.: Okay. [kisses her forehead] Once there was a beautiful girl who met a stunningly handsome young doctor.... *FLASHBACK SEQUENCE: Matthew Sweet's "I've Been Waiting" plays as J.D. recounts the story of his relationship with Danni. Their meeting in the elevator... J.D.'s Narration: He noticed her right away. J.D. checks out her butt. J.D.'s Narration: And she noticed him noticing her. J.D. averts his gaze when Danni sht him a dirty look. J.D.'s Narration: Their first date was amazing. Their first date in a ceramics decorating shop... J.D. looks over at Danni's creation, a plate on which she's painted "This Is So Lame". J.D.'s Narration: They had so much fun together, they felt like kids again. They skip through a park. J.D.'s Narration: Then it was time for their first kiss. J.D. and Danni sitting in a tree... Danni: [butting into the narration] And...how was that? J.D.'s Narration: Intense. As they lean in to kiss, they lose their balance and plummet to the ground. J.D.: Whoa! Woo! Agh! J.D.'s Narration: The next date didn't start that well, either... As J.D. and Danni walk along, the heel of her shoe breaks off. J.D.'s Narration: ...but it got better from there. J.D. walks along barefoot, as he has gallantly offered his shoes to Danni. J.D.'s Narration: And that night, well... J.D. and Danni tumble into bed. **END FLASHBACK J.D.: ...it was the most amazing night the young doctor ever had. Danni: And then what happened? J.D.: And then the young doctor realized he hadn't seen the beautiful girl naked in the light yet. He lifts the covers to look. J.D.: Damn! Danni: Are you as into this as I am? J.D.: If I wasn't crazy about ya, would I be willing to do this? He leaps out of bed in nothing but black socks and begins flailing around in a crazy dance. J.D.: [providing a bat] Doom-doom, bah, do-doom-doom, dop-bop... J.D.'s Narration: As I was doing the Naked Chicken Dance that my uncle Bart had taught me, I realized that life couldn't get much better than this. J.D.: ...doom-doom, dop-dop, doom-- Dr. Cox barges in. J.D. quickly grabs something off the dresser to conceal himself. Dr. Cox: Okay! Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister doesn't mean that you can use my guest-room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades. And oh, my God, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard!? J.D. looks down to see that the item he picked up to hide behind is a photo of little Jack. J.D.: My bad. He flips the picture around. Now he's got Dr. Cox's face over his naughty bits. J.D.: It's a beautiful sht of you. Dr. Cox: Jus-- Come'ere! He grabs the framed picture and storms out in disgust. Dr. Cox: Ju--you filthy, filthy boy! Filthy girl! Filthy girl! Once the door is slammed, Danni looks over at J.D. who's been belittled by the encounter. Danni: Aww, you're okay, Little Buddy! J.D.'s Thoughts: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo! ~~ OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS ~~ HOSPITAL ENTRANCE Jordan and Danni are seeing their men off to work. J.D.'s Narration: Even though Dr. Cox got a front-row look at Little Buddy -- ohhh, no! Now I'm saying it! -- my day still started off great! Dr. Cox stands impatiently by as J.D. and Danni suck face. Dr. Cox: I'm about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting. Jordan: Come on.... It reminds me of my sexiest kiss: Our honeymoon, standing waist-deep in the ocean.... I think you were in at the bar. Dr. Cox: Okay! Gotta go! Come on. He smacks J.D. in the shoulder as he heads in. J.D. reluctantly parts from Danni. Danni: Be brilliant today! J.D.: I always am. Because he was staring at her, he failed to notice the atmatic doors close in front of him. He bashes into them. J.D.: Ah! Ow! Cut to... HALL J.D. and Dr. Cox emerge from the elevator. J.D.: You know, I ht my head so hard I actually saw cartoon birds. Then I realized I was in Pediatrics and it was just the wallpaper! Ha! Dr. Cox: Stunning. Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fre while your lips whisper "No, no...no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, hhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, [singing] "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?" J.D.: [joining in] "...waffles of mine..." Dr. Cox: Bottom line: We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh. Point made, he enters a patient's room. Continue to... PATIENT'S ROOM -- A SECOND LATER J.D. enters. Dr. Cox: Awwww. J.D.: She's my patient! That patient is Jill Tracy, a familiar face from episodes 1.10 and 1.22. Jill: Hey guys, how are you? I'm great! You know me, I'm up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion nzi on the E! Network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint-chocolate chip ice cream. [laughing pathetically] Meheehee. J.D.: You know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake. Except, watch out -- if that block's not totally melted, hits you in the face! Jill: Oh, that'd go everywhere. J.D.: Yeah, one time I got Chunky Monkey in my eye. Dr. Cox: [whistles, annoyed] What brings Ms. Tracy to us? J.D.: Oh, uh, her landlord found her passed out on her floor. Jill: Yeah, lucky me, I couldn't pay my rent this month. J.D.'s Narration: A recent study found that doctors spend an average of fifteen seconds listening to a patient. A little 15-second timer appears in a corner of the screen, counting down. J.D.'s Narration: It sounds insensitive, but the truth is it's all the time you need. Dr. Cox: So, how you feel? Jill: Awesome! Dr. Cox: Ms. Tracy... Jill: Headachy, nauseous, and embarrassed that my landlord saw me in my granny panties. Dr. Cox: Oh, dear. We're gonna run some tests and figure this out. The timer runs out with a buzz. Dr. Cox and J.D. head out. Jill: [calling after them] I'll be here! ...If you.... [sighs] ~~ BAR -- EVENING Carla and Elliot are throwing darts. It's Elliot's turn. She aims, and jabs a nearby guy in the back. Guy: Ow! Elliot: Sorry! I--if that gets infected, I'm a doctor! Carla: Look, you keep going to the right, so this time aim at that guy to the left, and you'll ht the board. Elliot aims at the guy on the other side of the board, and misses him! Good score! They celebrate. At the bar, J.D. and Turk watch. J.D.: Those two are like best friends now, huh? Turk: I know. I wonder what it was that made them so tight? *FANTASY: A CHiPs FAN CONVENTION Elliot and Carla run into each other. Carla: Elliot! What are you doing here? Elliot: I'm, uh, just meeting some friends here for drinks. Carla: Yes! Me too! Friends. They just about get away with that until the star of the show, Erik Estrada in his CHiPs uniform, wanders by. Erik Estrada: Hey. Together: PONCH!!!! Erik Estrada: Damn. I still got it. He walks off, and Carla and Elliot squeal and jump up and down. ** Turk: Wait a second, dude, wa--that was us. J.D.: I know. Together: Greatest night ever!!! They laugh excitedly for a moment, then straighten up, embarrassed. ~~ DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Dr. Kelso is on the phone as Ted the Lawyer comes in. Dr. Kelso: [on phone] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is you ventured into his side of the house. ... Baring his teeth, huh? ... Okay, now here's what you do. ... Are you ready? ... Make a sudden move! He holds the phone from his ear as vicious snarls and barks mingle with a woman shrieking on the other end. Dr. Kelso: [chuckling] Ahhh, those two! Finally, he hangs up the phone. Lawyer: Sir, we've got some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight. I contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia. Dr. Kelso: Nonsense! These are fine! Dr. Kelso takes the stethoscope from Ted and sticks the buds in his ears. There's a strange deflating noise as a look of panic collects on Kelso's face. Lawyer: Are you okay [garbled from Kelso's perspective] Dr. Kelso? Dr. Kelso's Thoughts: Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain! ~~ JILL TRACY'S ROOM Jill is looking at the elegant ring on her left hand. Dr. Cox and J.D. enter and the 15 seconds start counting down. Dr. Cox: Boy, oh boy, that's some rock. When, uh, when's the big day? Jill: Oh, me? No, no, never -- my fiancé dumped me. I'm just noticing how beautiful his mother's ring is. You know, compared to the fake one I sent back to him. Oops! J.D.: Ms. Tracy, we found some organophosphates in your system. Have you had any recent exposure to pesticides? Jill: Pesticides? No, I don't have any pest problems. Dr. Cox: Oh, God, that must be so nice! J.D.: [to Cox] They're just feelings; they'll heal. Dr. Cox: Don't worry. We're on top of this. Just out of time, Dr. Cox and J.D. leave again. Jill: Oh-- [sotto voce] ...Bye. Continue to... HALL Danni meets up with J.D. as Dr. Cox goes over to the Nurses' Station. Danni: Hey! Dr. Cox: Hey...hey. Danni: Jordan just said we should all go to the carnival tonight. J.D.: The carnival!? He notices Dr. Cox over Danni's shoulder hanging himself by his stethoscope. J.D.: Oh, I can't go to the carnival, Danni. I puke at carnivals...a lot. Dr. Cox now has reason to keep living, and gives Danni the ol' thumb's up when she looks at him. Danni: [to J.D.] You don't really puke at carnivals, do you. J.D.: I do. But I still love 'em! Dr. Cox: Look, I have an even dandier idea: Why don't you crazy kids do something on your own? Danni: Look, Perry, the fact is I'm Jordan's sister, so as long as I'm staying in town you're gonna be seeing a lot of these smiling faces. [to J.D.] Smile. The two of them grin. ~~ I.C.U. Carla and Elliot are working together. Between patients, they chat. Elliot: So, I waxed my legs at home last night. Carla: Yeah, how did that go? Elliot: Not great, I can't do it. She lifts the leg of her scrubs revealing a cloth strip still clinging to the track of wax. Elliot: I'd rather die hairy. They walk on towards the next patient. Elliot: Oh, Mrs. Cainings needs something to help her sleep. Give her Haloperidol. Carla: Haloperidol won't put her to sleep. Give her a Benzo, it'll knock her right out. Elliot: Yeah, but, sometimes with Benzos older people can have a bad reaction. Carla: Elliot, have I ever steered you wrong? Elliot: Who suggested this? She displays her waxy leg again. Carla jerks the strip off in one quick motion, causing Elliot to shriek in agony and grip her painful leg. Elliot: Ohhhh! ...Smooth! Carla: Benzo it is. She walks on, and Elliot races to catch up with her, lifting up the back of her scrubs top. Elliot: Hey, wait! What about this one? On her lower back is another wax strip. ~~ CAFETERIA Turk and Todd are having lunch. Todd: Dude, my broccoli is hot. Turk: Please tell me you mean temperature-wise -- because there is no way you can find broccoli sexy. Todd: Oh...yeah...temperature-wise.... He holds up two little broccoli florets. Todd: ...And mini green boobs-wise! [blubbers at the florets] What's up!! Turk reluctantly gives him the high-five. Dr. Kelso passes the table. Turk: Sir, I wanted to talk to you about that hernia seminar this weekend? Dr. Kelso doesn't acknowledge him. Turk: Okay, sure, we can totally talk later! The Janitor stops Dr. Kelso. Janitor: Hey, Dr. Kelso. Hey. Dr. Kelso. Uh, I don't know if you heard or not, but Bernice, the lady who does the PA announcements usually, she just got ht by a bus, and, um, I was on the speech team in high school... From Dr. Kelso's perspective, the Janitor tells a garbled tale of his history. Janitor: ...so, anyway, I was thinking that maybe from now on, I could do the announcements. You know, just until Bernice gets back on her...foot. Dr. Kelso mulls the best answer to give in his situation of uncertainty. Dr. Kelso: Splendid! He goes on and the Janitor smiles. ~~ THE CARNIVAL -- WHAC-A-MOLE GAME -- EVENING J.D. nervously plays next to an enthusiastic Dr. Cox. J.D.'s Thoughts: Dr. Cox seems to be having fun...but I think I know why. *FANTASY: Instead of moles, what Dr. Cox aims at are little J.D. heads. Dr. Cox: Ohh, ooh! Whack a newbie! Whack a newbie! Whack a newbie! Ohh! Ohhh! Newbie Heads: Missed me! Ha! Ha! Dr. Cox: Whack a newbie! Ohh, there you are! Ohh, there you are! Oh, come here! Ohh! Newbie Heads: Oww! Oww!! Owww! Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhhhh, whack a newbie!!! Whack a-- ** Jordan: Perry. He stops whacking at the finished game. Jordan: It's over. Dr. Cox: Sorry. Jordan: So, we're gonna go eat some more disgusting fried food and then look at the fat lady to make ourselves feel better. Danni: So, we'll meet you guys on the Ferris wheel. She comes closer to J.D. Danni: Only if your stomach's okay. J.D.: Oh, yeah, it's only the back-and-forthy rides that get me. The girls go off. Dr. Cox: Well, you have done it. It's Friday night, and instead of being at home, drinking whiskey through my son's sippy cup, I'm actually at a carnival with you, surrounded by piles of manure even though I've yet to see a single animal! J.D.: That __is__ weird.... Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. I'll tell you what, how 'bout we head right on over there, and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, I'll let you take a free whack at my dome. J.D.: First of all, I already raised the hammer; and the only reason I didn't ring the bell is that the game is obviously rigged. There's a ding at the game in question as a family congratulates their son for hitting the target. Kid: Woo-hoo! Dad: Good job, son! Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. J.D.: Look, the only positive thing about this whole situation is that it's driving you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it. Dr. Cox glares at J.D. The tension is interrupted by another ding. Kid: Way to go, Gina! J.D.: Oh, come on! ~~ HOSPITAL -- PA BOOTH The Janitor prepares for his first announcement. He flips on the mic. Janitor: Dr. Tushy, you're needed in the OR. Meanwhile... I.C.U> -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Tushy heads off. Janitor: [over PA] Nice name, buddy. bat up in high school much? Tushy furrows his brow and continues on. He passes Elliot, who's running over to the bed of Mrs. Cainings, suffering seizures, her monitors beeping wildly, as Carla and other staff work to sab her. Carla: Oh--It's okay. It's okay. It's okay! Elliot: What's going on!?! Carla: She's having a reaction to the Benzo. Both women exchange a loaded look. J.D.'s Narration: There are a lot of different ways to get the upper hand in a relationship. Back at... THE CARNIVAL J.D., Danni, Dr. Cox, and Jordan approach the Ferris wheel. J.D.: Oh, I gave the guy half a corn-dog so we can all ride foursies! Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhhohhhhh. He starts to turn back, but Jordan pushes him on. Jordan: Oh, let's go. Carnie: Corn-dog! J.D.'s Narration: It can happen with a simple request... Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso approaches Turk. Dr. Kelso: COULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AT MY EARS? J.D.'s Narration: ...it can happen because of a mistake... Meanwhile... I.C.U. Elliot approaches Carla. Elliot: Mrs. Cainings is sab, so DC the posey vest. Carla: That's never happened to me before with the Benzo. I still think-- Elliot: What do you think, Carla? Did you think that maybe I'm the doctor? 'Cause that's what I think. So maybe you should just DC the vest like I asked, and keep your opinion to yourself. Back At... THE CARNIVAL The two couples' Ferris wheel car rides to the top. J.D.'s Narration: Still, even when you have the upper hand, it's important to be careful. Because some people fight dirty. Dr. Cox: You know, Danni, I think it's amazing that you're actually comfortable dating J.D., what with him having nailed Jordan and all. Eyes widen and brows furrow, and suddenly the ride halts. Carnie: Uh, sorry, folks. A little problem here. Get you down in about an hour or so. Everyone looks miserable but Perry, who grins as he rocks the car back and forth. J.D.: I don't feel so good. ~~ COMMERCIALS ~~ OUTSIDE DR. COX'S APARTMENT J.D. is saying goodnight to Danni. J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the best thing to do is just to say exactly what's in your heart. J.D.: I'm sorry I puked on your shoes. Danni: I'm sorry I wore sandals. J.D.: And, Danni, that whole thing with Jordan...[chuckles nervously]...it's so long ago, I don't even remember it. Danni: J.D., you keep a sex journal of all your experiences under your bed. J.D.: Gotta stop showing that to new girlfriends! Danni: Look, you shoulda told me. But I'm not gonna let things like this mess it up with the guy I'm falling in love with. J.D.: Oh, thank God! Do you wanna get some pineapple pizza? Danni: I think I'll probably just go inside and wash my feet. J.D. does an awkward wave. J.D.: That's robot for "Goodnight." He does another robot move. J.D.: "Peace!" Heh. He leaves. ~~ NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso follows behind Turk, who speaks to the other staffers. Turk: [loud and chipper] All right, people, listen up: Dr. Kelso has ruptured both his eardrums. You could say whatever you want to him as long as you got a smile on your face! HOLLA! Dr. Cox: Bob! You stupid motherf--[garbled]. Todd: [garbled] Carla: [garbled] Dr. Kelso: [chuckles] Thanks for the kind words, gng! He and Turk continue out. Elliot arrives in front of Carla. Carla: Yes? Elliot: Carla, look, I just wanted to apologize. Carla: I'm so glad! I didn't want us to stay mad at each other! Elliot: It's all my fault! I should never have listened to you in the first place. I mean, I need to be a strong enough doctor to just ignore you when you won't shut up. Carla: [insulted] That's so sweet. The two women stare at each other. Janitor: [over PA] All available medical personnel, please report to the second floor for a cat fight. Cat fight on the second floor! The surrounding staff gather around, including Todd, who leans in close and makes cat noises to prompt the action. ~~ JILL TRACY'S ROOM Dr. Cox and J.D. enter. The clock starts ticking. Dr. Cox: Well, we sent some haz-mat guys over to your apartment, but they said there were no signs of pesticides. J.D.: They also said you mixed art deco with Indonesian antiques. I think that is so daring! Jill: Aww. Dr. Cox: Reel it in, qeer Eye. Jill: Thanks, guys. Honestly, I can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me. J.D.: Well, you know.... Buzz! That's 15 seconds. J.D.: We gotta go. They turn and leave. Continue to... HALL J.D.: Hey, you should know your little cheap sht didn't land, because Danni isn't mad at me at all. He spots her coming from down the hall. J.D.: Hey, Baby! You comin' to give pop-pop some candy? 'Cause I'm hungry! She ignores him and boards the elevator. J.D.: Oh--okay, later's fine too. Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. I mean, I can--I can feel the love all over! ~~ HALL Carla and Turk are walking through. Carla: Can you believe that Elliot, giving me all that attitude? Turk: You know, two weeks ago an O.R. nurse with like twenty years experience started telling me I was tying the wrong suture. Carla: But I bet you listened to her, right? Turk: Nah, I kicked her ass out the O.R.! Heh! Carla: But I bet you were nice about it? Right? They stop at... ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Turk: No, I made her cry. The point is, baby, whatever happens with this patient, it's on my shoulders; and it's the same with Elliot and you know that. That's what makes your relationship so complicated. Outside this hospital, yeah, you're the boss of Elliot...and...well, you know...you're the boss of me and...baby, you're the boss of everyone -- but in this building, Elliot's in charge. Carla: Am I really the boss of everybody outside of here? Turk: Baby, you the boss of everybody in the world. She looks pleased with that. Turk: Okay. They kiss, and she goes back to work. J.D. is already at the other end of the desk, going over a chart. Janitor: [on PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means. J.D. and Turk give each other a horrified look, and run off in opposite directions. ~~ PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox sits in the vacant room, reading a letter. J.D.'s Narration: Dear Dr. Cox, I think it's important that you know how much I care for Danni, and how hurt I was by your attempt to sabotage our relationship. Dr. Cox, exasperated, stops reading and looks at J.D. who is standing right next to him. Dr. Cox: Oh, de-de-de--isn't it enough that I'm reading it!? J.D.: Oh, I'm sorry. There's a flush from the bathroom, and Jill Tracy emerges. Jill: Always fun to be in the bathroom listening to people talk so clearly, you're sure they just heard you pee. You did, didn't you. J.D.: You start and stop a lot. Dr. Cox: Lovely. Here. He shoves the letter back to J.D. and stands, the 15-second timer popping up. Dr. Cox: Uh, actually there's great news, uh, Ms. Tracy: We're sending you home. Although, I sure wish we could have figured out how that stuff got introduced into your system to begin with. But sometimes in medicine you have to just chalk it up to life's great mysteries, like crop circles or this gal's Adam's apple. J.D.: I'm a girl, that's original. Jill: Hey, you guys, I just want to say, if I don't see you again, thanks and take care. Dr. Cox: You be well, darlin'. Time's up. Dr. Cox: I'll see you next time. He heads out. J.D.: Wanna hear a great letter? Jill: No. ~~ RESTAURANT -- THAT EVENING Jordan, Danni, and Dr. Cox are having dinner. J.D. arrives and takes the vacant seat next to Perry. J.D.: Hey, everybody. This place has dynamite lamb. Danni: What are you doing here? Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after sh*ting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of...well.... Jordan: Guilt. Dr. Cox: No. Not that. J.D.: Guilt? Dr. Cox: Yes, that. Jordan: Ugh. Dr. Cox: I...I don't like her to be right. J.D.: Look, Danni, I know you're upset about your sister and I-- Danni: J.D., if I didn't go out with the guys my sister slept with, I wouldn't have even had a date to the prom. J.D.: Then what is it? Danni: Last night I told you I was falling in love with you. And you know what you said? J.D.: "Thank you"? Danni: You asked me if I wanted to go get pizza. J.D.: No.... _Pineapple_ pizza. Jordan: [to Danni] Sweetie, you can't take this personally. He's a doctor -- they don't listen to anyone. Dr. Cox: Please don't lump us all together with numb-nuts over here. Jordan: Oh, really? This morning I asked you to do me a favor involving my mother. What was it? Dr. Cox: Well...I can only hope that it had something to do with hiring people to kll her? He crosses his fingers hopefully. Jordan: Oh, come on. You know what? I hope you guys listen better to your patients. J.D.'s Narration: And for some reason, right then, we both knew how those pesticides had gotten in our patient's system. *FLASHBACK: INTERACTION WITH JILL TRACY Jill: Lucky for me, I couldn't pay my rent this month. * Dr. Cox: Say, that's some rock. When's the big day? Jill: Oh, me? No, no, never -- my fiancé dumped me. * Jill: I honestly can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me. * Jill: Hey, you guys, I just want to say, if I don't see you again, thanks and take care. **END FLASHBACK J.D. and Dr. Cox stare at each other. J.D.: She did it to herself. Dr. Cox: We gotta go. They quickly get up from the table and leave, Dr. Cox stopping only to give Jordan a quick peck on the cheek. Meanwhile... HOSPITAL Jill is walking out. J.D.'s Narration: I guess the problem with only listening to a patient for fifteen seconds is, sometimes you don't hear everything...and when you finally realize what they were trying to say, you might've lost them forever. HOSPITAL ENTRANCE J.D. and Dr. Cox stop Jill in the parking lot. J.D.: Ms. Tracy. Jill: Hey, guys! J.D.: We need to talk. Jill: About what? Dr. Cox: How _have_ things been going lately? Jill: Okay? Why, uh-- Their concerned faces prompt the truth. Jill: Ahhh. Actually it has, uh, been a couple of rough months. She chokes up, and the two doctors guide her back into the hospital. Dr. Cox: Come on, Jill. Come on. J.D.'s Narration: You can never underestimate the importance of listening. Cut to... PA BOOTH The Janitor begins another announcement. Janitor: [on PA] A quick note for all my comatose listeners out there: all your lovers have moved on. But, if it's any consolation, my sources tell me they're happy. Well, snooze, you lose. In other news-- Dr. Kelso bursts in. Dr. Kelso: Get off that thing. J.D.'s Narration: Listening can effect your career. Ted the Lawyer catches up to Kelso. Lawyer: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it! Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now. Lawyer: Who's Ted? J.D.'s Narration: Listening can even mend a friendship. Cut to... I.C.U. Elliot and Carla treat a patient. Elliot: Carla, could you go get--- You know what, forget it. Carla: No, doctor, just tell me what you need. I'll do it. Elliot: Just give him one gram of Ancef for prophylaxis. Carla smiles and goes to fill out the order. Elliot looks relieved to have her friend and partner back. J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, it keeps you in the moment...so you don't miss the things that really matter. Cut to... DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM J.D. and Danni are cuddled on the couch. J.D.: So say it again. Danni: No, you have to earn it. J.D.: I'll try. They kiss deeply and the camera pulls back to reveal Dr. Cox and Jordan also on the couch. Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, we're watching a movie here. Jordan: [swatting him] Shh! Dr. Cox: [heavenward] kll me. END	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "03x07 - My Fifteen Seconds"}	foreverdreaming
STREET J.D.'s Narration: I was a little nervous today. Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was. Guy: See ya tomorrow! J.D.: Will do. J.D.'s Narration: Or maybe I was nervous because at 3 o'clock, Dr. Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident. How do I know? Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied. But I'm also the only one who's truly focused enough to-- J.D.: Oh, God. Movers: Hey! CAFETERIA Turk: So lemme get this straight: You crashed in to their truck, and they just drive you to work? J.D.: Well, we didn't come straight here. FLASHBACK: STREET J.D.: Come on, Dorian. You gotta want it! * Turk: Hold up. They made you move furniture? J.D.: It wasn't all bad. FLASHBACK: STREET J.D.: Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! & Movers: Yeah! Bubble wrap! * J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist. Yes, she was HOHHHT! But I wasn't a fan. For one thing, she's always calling me "Johnny." Also, she wasn't very nice. Molly: Hey, sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand. J.D.'s Narration: What. A. Bitch. Plus, she's _always_ with Elliot; and since I dumped her, we weren't getting along all that great. J.D.: Anybody got any extra ketchup packets? A handful of packets are whipped at him. J.D.: Thank you, Elliot. Elliot: Mm. Carla: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over? Doug: Oh, I'm still a resident! Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital! Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug, Doug: Oh, I'm staying positive. Elliot: Well, I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship. I'm really looking forward to cataloguing all of the genetic variations of-- J.D., Carla and Turk make loud snoring sounds. Elliot: Oh, really? [laughs sarcastically] Well, excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research and relate-- They fall over dramatically with more snoring. Elliot angrily goes back to her food. Carla: You know, Elliot, I still think you'd make a good chief resident. Elliot: Carla, for the five billionth time, I'm not interested. Molly: I think you would be a great chief resident! Elliot: You do? Carla: I just said that. Turk: I know! J.D.: Sorry, ladies, job's taken. Elliot: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late. Carla: Well maybe it's not too late. Elliot: Yeah it is, Carla. Molly: Maybe it's not. Elliot: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't! Carla: What the hell? Turk?: They're all against you! Dr. Cox: I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm-- Elliot: Dr. Cox! Dr. Cox: --ah, dammit! Elliot: Can I still be considered as a candidate for the chief residency? J.D.: She asked, without a prayer. Dr. Cox: Sure, why not. Molly and Elliot squeal. Elliot: Raise it! Raise it! Uh-oh, uh-oh! And grind. Grind it, grind it! Turk: You okay, buddy? J.D.'s Narration: I just needed to talk to someone. STREET Mover: Tough break, J.D. You've dreamed of being chief resident ever since you were a little boy growing up in Trotwood, Ohio. J.D.'s Thoughts: What? How does he know that? J.D.: Thank you, Frank. === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === EXAM ROOM Dr. Kelso: So whatta you think, Perry? Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea. Dr. Kelso: Excuse us, Lyle. Dr. Cox: Come on, Newbie. Lyle: Hey, do you have a magazine? J.D.: Not in me -- I mean, on me. HALL Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important. Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. He donated a wing. Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast. J.D.: Sir? Dr. Kelso: Yes, genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken. J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that. J.D.'s Thoughts: How could a hospital be a chicken? Dr. Kelso: Focus on nothing else. J.D.: What a jerk! Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right? Elliot: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman. Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, _very_ good! Now, sorry, where were we? J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot. Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning. J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kll somebody! Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me. J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you! FANTASY: EXAM ROOM J.D.: ht the water! *** J.D.'s Thoughts: I'll impress him some other way. J.D.: Doug! Stay positive. Doug: Awesome! HALL Molly: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's...Jeff. Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me. Molly: Interesting! Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine -- Dr. Cox snickers his agreement. Molly: -- that I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep. So I'm gonna do this study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel, and I was wondering if I could observe you? Dr. Cox: Look, "Doctor," us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict. Now, my day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he-- He flips through the chart. Dr. Cox: That.... Oh, my God. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery. I ne-hever get to give good news! Molly: Subject elongates words when excited! MR. ROMAN'S ROOM Dr. Cox: Mr. Roman, ga-reat news! Mr. Roman: I don't need surgery! Yeah, Dr. Turk just told me! Turk: Yeah, you shoulda seen him! He was so happy, he started dancing! Not standing up, but while lying in his bed. It was sort of like buh-buh-buh from like the waist up? [dances in demonstration] Dr. Cox chuckles with the patient and turns to Turk. Dr. Cox: [sotto] You stole my moment. And you will pay. Molly: Oh, this is good! NURSES' STATION Elliot: Molly helped me fill out my chief resident application, so...gonna go give it to Dr. Cox! Carla: There you go, working girl! Elliot rushes off. Carla: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me. Nurse Roberts: Maybe she's rcist. Carla: Whatever. It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice. Nurse Roberts: Mmm-hmm. Molly: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now. Nurse Roberts: 'Scuse me. I.C.U. J.D.'s Narration: When Turk told me he pissed Dr. Cox off by stealing his moment, I decided not to share it with Elliot. Elliot: Dr. Cox! Can you come take a look at my patient's rash? It's really weird. Dr. Cox: Ohh, I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash! But, also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress. Elliot: I have sketches in my locker. Dr. Cox: Pssst! Barbie! Listen carefully, because the policy remains unchanged: Unless someone is dying -- and puh-lease note _dying_ not _dad_ -- I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty! J.D.: Whoooooooooo. Wow. Don't feel bad, you couldn't have seen it coming. Awful, though. Well, I'm off to pilates. J.D.'s Narration: I didn't feel bad, because a lot of people were playing dirty around here. HALL / PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox: I've told him all about the surgery, and he is good to go. Turk: Hey! So whatta you say we yank out that gallbladder? Mr. Silka: That's the way you tell me I need major surgery!? Turk: You said you told him! Dr. Cox: Oh, stop it. Why would I steal your moment? Except for maybe because [sotto] payback is a bitch. [snickers] NURSES' STATION Carla: Have one, baby. You'll feel better. Turk: Thank you. Molly: Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated? You know, he's already starting to look like the breakout character of my case study? The one that people love to hate? Carla: Ugh. Molly: Anyway, in my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation than it is to become self-destructive by over-indulging a sweet tooth. Turk: She's right. Carla: You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce. Turk: But baby, I'm not hungry now. Carla: Eat. It. WHEELCHAIR RAMP Dr. Cox: What? J.D.: It's 3 o'clock! 3 o'clock's when you announce new chief resident, so we thought you might want-- Dr. Cox: Barbie. You're chief resident. J.D.: [high-pitched laugh] Very funny! Dr. Cox: So not joking. Elliot: [shrieks] Yay! Oh, my God, now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien. Dr. Cox: Newbie, how ya doin'? J.D.'s Thoughts: Keep it together. It's be a man time. J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut; Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!?!?! Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlett? You're chief resident too. J.D.: Uh, what now? Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- _together_ the two of you make one barely passable doctor...slash labradoodle. J.D.: Wait, so, if we're both gonna be chief residents, why didn't you just say that from the beginning? Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life. Walk with me. J.D.: John Dorian, chief resident. ELEVATOR / HALL J.D.: It's just that Elliot and I doing this together is gonna be a little tough -- we're going through a bit of a rough patch. Dr. Cox: sh*t, I totally get that. What you need to do is just give each other tons of space. Here, uh, here's your office. Cox's beeper goes off. Dr. Cox: Oh! Enjoy. EXAM ROOM Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy. Doug: Sir, I take issue with that. Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what? Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel. Dr. Kelso: Goodbye! Dr. Kelso: Last chance, Perry. Fix this kid. I paged a surgical consult. Dr. Cox: 'Course you did. Todd: Heard this guy's got a lightbulb up his ass. Dr. Cox: Are--are you the--the surgical consult? Todd: No, I'm not even working today. I just want to ask him four questions. Turk: Whasssup! Dr. Tizzurk is in the hizzouse...! J.D.'s Narration: Conflict is everywhere. Whether it's out in the open... NURSES' STATION J.D.'s Narration: ...or bubbling just under the surface. Molly: You know what I realized by doing this study? Some of the most interesting conflicts are when one of the parties doesn't even realize they're in a fight! Carla: Really. J.D.'s Narration: I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it is to hope that nothing makes it worse. CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE Janitor: Cleaning time! Janitor: Don't worry, I'll go fast. J.D.: Owwww! Janitor: Whoop, that one got away. J.D.: It burns! Janitor: Ammonia burns? Hm! Write that down. === COMMERCIALS === CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE Elliot: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk! J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you. Molly: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study. J.D.: Oh, no. Molly: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D." J.D.: Great. Maybe we could make it permanent. Molly: Johnny! J.D.'s Thoughts: Of course not. Molly: The way I see it, you guys can either get past it and talk like adults, or you can behave like petty children. I.C.U. J.D.'s Narration: We decided to go petty. Elliot: Okay, instead of sharing you all, we're gonna separate you into two resident teams so that J.D. and I never have to see each other. J.D.: I'll take Doug. Doug: YES! Suck on that! He goes over to J.D. Doug: Thanks, J.D. First pick. J.D.: Relax, Doug, you're the only one whose name I know. Elliot: I'll take Indian Elvis. Indian Elvis: Yes! Doug: Pick the hot chick. J.D.: Shut up, Doug! We'll take the hot chick? Hot Chick: Yeah, uh, name's Amy, actually. J.D.: John Dorian, chief resident. Website's on the back. HALL Molly: Hey! I got like a two-hour break between patients, do you wanna grab lunch? Or dinner, I'm not really sure what time it is. J.D.'s Narration: Elliot and I weren't the only ones who decided to go petty. Carla: Oh! You know what, I have a barbecue to go to. Why don't you meet me there? Molly: Cool! APARTMENT PATIO - HOT TUB Molly: Hey! Are you Todd? Todd: Oh, yeah. Molly: Well, Carla said you're having a barbecue. Todd: No, but stick around, I'll see if we can get something cooking. This is Pat and Frank from 4G. Molly: Hi, I'm Molly. The whirlpool is shut off. Molly: Aaand you're naked. Todd: Uhhh-huh. Molly: Awesome. LECTURE ROOM Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out? Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives. Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case? Dr. Cox: At first. But now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery, every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth. Dr. Mickhead: If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from. Odd Doc: Leon's trained to retrieve things. Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles. Turk: Zeltzer, you are hands-down the most disturbing man I've ever met in my life. Dr. Zeltzer: [modest] Oh, stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded? Dr. Cox: [claps] That's it! I want everybody to get out who is not an expert on lightbulbs! Go on! Get out! [whistles] Out out out out out out out out out out out! The Janitor lags behind. Dr. Cox: What're you still doing here? Janitor: What you have there is an A21 bulb on a E26 base. Running a hundred watts, putting out about a hundred and thirty volts. Turk: Get over here, you're helping me. Dr. Cox: Not so fast, cowboy. You're working with me, tall man. Janitor: Mmmm, actually, no. If I had the time, maybe, but I've got a room to clean. HALL Elliot: Keep up, people! We got pre-rounds to do! Get the lead out, Elvis! J.D.: Okay, she's gone. J.D.: Now, I've heard some rumors there's been some fraternizing with some of Dr. Reid's residents. Now, I don't want to mention any names...but, Slobodan, enough of that crap! Doug: Watch your ass. J.D.: Now, come on, you nerds! ADMISSIONS Molly: Carla, Todd has something he wants to say to you. Todd: I'm sorry if I ever demeaned you, Carla. You see, my feelings about women were warped by a very unhealthy relationship with my mother. We made out once. Molly: That's good, Todd. Keep going. Todd: Monique! I owe you an apology.... Carla: You fixed the Todd? Molly: Well, without regular therapy, it'll probably only last...a week? So...you're mad at me. Carla: Excuse me? Molly: Oh! You're not mad at me! She giggles and squeezes her eyes. Carla: Why did you just close your eyes at me? Molly: I've never been able to wink. Carla: Ohh. I'm not mad. Molly: Cool! You're obviously very stubborn and very proud, but you're nice so eventually you're gonna tell me. Carla: No, I won't. Molly: Let go of that anger! LECTURE ROOM Molly: Not my office. She stops. Molly: How's it going in here? Turk &: GO AWAY! Dr. Cox Molly: Wow, you kinda harmonized on that. That was cool. It's funny, it's not about the argument anymore between you two -- it's a competition about who can be stubborn the longest. If you think about it, the real winner is gonna be who has the guts to apologize first. Molly: Hm. Turk &: I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! Dr. Cox Dr. Cox: I'm sorry about the gallbladder thing this morning! Yes! I win! Turk: DAMMIT! Dr. Cox: It's just, you surgeons ride in here on your white horse and you save the day, and the best news that I ever get to give everybody, anybody, ever, is "Oh, by the way, ma'am, were you aware that that breathing tube you have in your neck also comes in day-glo pink?" Come on, look, bottom line: I really needed a win, I did. And I finally got one and you--ya--you stole it, man! Turk: I needed one, too! Janitor: Boo-hoo. Where's my win? Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms? Turk: Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy. Janitor: Well, no one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning 'em. Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Do you realize if we could get a tight enough clamp around the bulb and then just-- Janitor: No, no, no, you'll break the thing! Janitor: Look, here's the thing about lightbulbs, okay? They're structurally weak at the narrow end, but the round end is surprisingly strong. Turk: So if we could get behind the bulb.... Janitor: I see where you're headed! We go down through the mouth! Dr. Cox: [whistles] Your turn's over. All we need to do is thread an angioplasty balloon past the bulb, inflate it... Dr. Cox &: ...and then pull. Turk Janitor: ...pull it. They look at each other. Janitor: I concur. EXAM ROOM Dr. Cox: Doctor! Turk: Doctor! Dr. Cox: Doctor! Janitor: Doctor! Turk: Doctor! Janitor: Nnooo. I.C.U. Nurse Roberts: Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of Morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I klled a man. J.D.: Unbelievable, Doug. Elliot: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients. J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area. Elliot: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area. J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you. Elliot: Well, you don't have enough money. J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area! J.D.'s Thoughts: Got her! Nurse Roberts: I hate to interrupt, but I think you need to take a look at this man. J.D.: Elliot, he's in V-tach. Elliot: Get the crash cart. J.D.: We need a one milligram Epi. J.D.'s Narration: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away. HALL Turk: What are you doing? Molly: Oh, um, I'm tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here! Turk: Oh! Okay, that's not weird. Look, I wanna apologize for my wife. She'd never admit it to you, but she likes to be the person around here who tells everybody what to do. Apparently she can't get enough of it at home. Right? [laughs] Right? [laughs] Wrong. Look: If every once in a while you could let her be the one to give the advice? You guys might end up being friends. Molly: I can do that. She looks at him. Molly: And tell Carla that you did well. Turk: [laughs] You truly underestimate how proud my wife is. If she knew I was here, she'd kll me. Molly: All right. Carla: What happened to the part about how much I help people around here? Turk: Wait a second, she said I did well! Dr. Cox: [whistles] Turtlehead! You're gonna wanna get a piece of this! Come on. Turk: Where'd you get the coat? Janitor: I earned it. Let's get our moment. HALL / EXAM ROOM Mr. Porter: Thanks for all the hard work, Bob. Dr. Kelso: Glad to do it. Oh, and, uh, Bart, I think Lyle might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk you had with your other boys. Dr. Kelso: Too late! CAFETERIA J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago? Elliot: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code? J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet. Elliot: That's the one. J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place. NURSES' STATION Nurse Roberts: Don't hang up, Lester. Molly: You should talk to her. You know her better. J.D.'s Narration: Or by swallowing your pride. Carla: I know what you're doing. But I'm okay with it. HALL / KELSO'S OFFICE Dr. Cox: He's coming. He's coming! Get your ass out here! J.D.'s Narration: Or by uniting against a moment-stealing common enemy who took credit for your ingenious method of de-bulbing a patient's keister! Dr. Kelso: [sniffs] Good Lord! CAFETERIA J.D.'s Narration: In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there. As long as you're friends again. J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know? Elliot: Me too. J.D.: We should go get coffee. Elliot: [chuckles] We're having coffee. J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee -- real world coffee. She chuckles. J.D.: The point is, we should...hang out outside the hospital sometime. Elliot: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but...you just do the best you can, okay? J.D.: Is it fixed now? Elliot: [off-screen] Nope. J.D.'s Thoughts: sh*t!	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "04x02 - My Office"}	foreverdreaming
FIRST FLOOR HALL J.D.'s Narration: Today I walk in here not as a resident but as a chief. Chief resident! Chief resident Dorian! Chiefy chiefy chief! Janitor: What's that, your new, uh, cool guy walk? J.D.: No, I have rocks in my shoe. He empties his shoe. J.D.'s Thoughts: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that short-cut through the quarry. Continue to... ADMISSIONS J.D.'s Narration: Anyway, the best thing about my new job is that I command a lot more respect. J.D.: Chief resident in the house! Everybody say hey-ay! Councilman: HEEEY-AAAY! J.D.'s Narration: Even though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed to that chair because once again he was flying high on crystal meth, his respect felt good. Honestly, it's the reason I keep voting for him. Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to trture anyone so much that they take their own lives. Dr. Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual. Jordan: That is so sweet! Dr. Cox: Come here! They giggle and kiss. J.D.'s Narration: It was the same old Dr. Cox and Jordan. The weird thing was, there was something underneath it -- they were happy. Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news. Dr. Cox: Don't tell me -- you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about? Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way -- and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched -- Ted is hardly my type. Ted the Lawyer: I beg to differ. I've seen Enid. Dr. Kelso: What? Ted the Lawyer: Nothing. Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"? Jordan: Hmmm. Ted the Lawyer: Sorry. Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me. Ted the Lawyer: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce -- she's with my brother now; he's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece -- the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I. Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around! J.D.'s Narration: I've never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before. It was neat-o! Janitor: Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches? Soo...from now on I'm gonna be your britches shrinker. He cracks his broom over his knee. J.D.: Oh, what, is that supposed to intimidate me or something? Janitor: No. I had to do it anyway. J.D.: What possible reason could you have for breaking your broom in half? Randall: Thanks, bro. Janitor: Any other questions? Smart guy? === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === HALL Turk: What's up, ladies. [laughs] Turk: What's up with these rocks!? J.D.: HAH! You've been graveled! Turk: "Graveled"?? J.D.: Yeah, it's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes. Turk: [thinks] I like it. J.D.: Better than Play-Doh Pants? Turk: Play-Doh Pants became all about the money. J.D.: Wise! They laugh. J.D.'s Narration: It felt good cheering Turk up. See, now that I'm chief studly, I was making a lot more money than him. Needless to say it was a time to be extra sensitive. J.D.: Hey, you remember how I make more money than you now? Turk: Yeah? J.D.: Here's five bucks for remembering. Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats on one of those classy suits we always wanted! Turk: You mean the leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in 'Raw'? J.D.: [laughing] You know it, dawg! Turk: That's cold! J.D. laughs more. Turk: Look, I gotta go. I've got a new attending and he hates it when we're late. Plus he's a question-talker. J.D.: What's a question-talker? HALL -- SURGERY ASSIGNMENT BOARD Dr. Lemmon: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do. Am I going to remember this? Of course I am. Turk sighs. === INTENSIVE CARE Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now. Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face? Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers "Miss Myers." Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour. Molly: Hey, sorry I'm late. Dr. Cox: We weren't waiting for you. Molly: Great! I'm on time! See, I think as a psychiatrist that I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed, because her accident was traumatic enough. But with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that? In my professional opinion: Yikes! Dr. Cox: Honey, if you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool-man and my architect so we can populate the room with just as many useless people as possible. Molly: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her? Dr. Cox laughs in surprise then grumbles. Carla: Hah! Haha. That was good. MISS MYERS' ROOM Dr. Cox: Okay, Miss Myers, I'm gonna go ahead and get these bandages off and make sure the plastic surgeons have left your face just as beautiful as it always was. Miss Myers: Oh, you're so nice. Are you married? Carla: Oh! He is as of this morning! Molly: Really? I thought he was divorced? Carla: No, child, the papers didn't go through! Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life? Molly: So what's his wife like? Carla: So scary! Molly: Mm. Dr. Cox: You go ahead and have a look there. Miss Myers: Wow. Dr. Cox: You look fantastic, you do. Carla and Molly stand staring. Dr. Cox: Doctor? Molly: Really fantastic. Dr. Cox: Thank God you were here! === HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE J.D.'s Narration: Since Elliot and I are both chief residents, I'm trying not to make it all about me. J.D.: John Dorian, Chief Resident. J.D.'s Narration: You know, unless there's someone I could doink. J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car -- it's my day to have the parking spot. Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot? J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message. J.D.'s Narration: Just because I lured her away from her perfect boyfriend and then dumped her doesn't mean my scooter, Sasha, needs to suffer. Janitor hammers on the name plaque. J.D.: What are you doing? Janitor: Just making it official. Chief. Co-Chief. J.D.: You can try as hard as you want, that is never gonna stick. Janitor: Hm. Resident: Oh! And that's Co-Chief Resident Dorian over there! J.D.: Dammit! You are quick! HALL -- SURGERY ASSIGNMENT BOARD Turk: Dammit, I got an appendectomy again? Todd: Sweet! I get the duah--d-- duoh--duo...duooh-- Turk: Duodenojejunostomy, man. What's wrong with you? Todd: So I can't pronounce it. Try and be a little more sensitive, okay? -- New bra, Janice? 'Cause it's working! -- Besides, the only reason I'm getting all these great procedures is because nobody's died on me in like three months! Turk: Listen, man, you never have to apologize for being on a hot-streak. I'm psyched for you! And I wouldn't take those procedures away even if I could. He turns to the passing Dr. Lemmon. Turk: Sir, would you mind giving me the duodenojejunostomy instead of the Todd? Dr. Lemmon: Am I impressed by your moxie? You bet'cha. Am I going to reward it? Not a chance. CAFETERIA Turk: This Todd thing is klling me. Where's your lunch? J.D.: Ahhh! Thank you, Barry! Hey! That's for Barry Jr.! J.D.: What? The little guy's in leg braces. Jordan: Hi. I visited my safety deposit box today. Guess what I found? Dr. Cox: My grandfather's purple heart! Jordan: Please, I sold that years ago to pay for these. Dr. Cox: Oh...! Jordan: Mm. Our wedding rings. Dr. Cox: Holy cow! Jordan: What do you think? Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? I'm gonna wear this the rest of my life! J.D.'s Narration: Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer. PERRY & JORDAN'S BEDROOM Jordan: So you're just going to, uh, fall asleep right after for the rest of my life? Perry sighs. As does Jordan. HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox: So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life? PERRY & JORDAN'S LIVING ROOM Jordan: I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life! Perry burps. HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox: Look, Attila -- She yawns. Dr. Cox: -- there's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that? Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies. Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me. J.D.'s Narration: Yep, there was definitely trouble in paradise. Janitor: [on intercom] Would Co-Chief Dorian please report to the I.C.U.? Co-Chief Dorian? Co-Chief? I.C.U. J.D.: Well, Mrs. Covello, your CAT-scan showed a small rectal tumor, so I want to schedule a low anterior resection. But don't worry, we have an amazing surgical team here, okay? Mrs. Covello: That means a lot coming from the co-chief resident! J.D.: Heh. J.D.'s Thoughts: How did she hear? She's been in a coma for two weeks! J.D.: Dammit. Continue to... HALL Turk: Hey, buddy! Can I talk to you for a second? J.D.: Sure. Turk: I know the Todd's doing her resection, but if you send her down right now, he's a little busy so it'd have to be me. J.D.: What's the Todd doing? Turk: Yeah, well, you know the city surveyor is outside taking pictures of the hospital for the zoning commission? J.D.: Yeah? Turk: I told him they were shting a Sacred Heart calendar. J.D.: Ha! FANTASY: PARKING LOT Todd: Gentlemen! Say hello to June! Todd: How about a sneak-peek of July! * J.D.: I don't know, Turk. It's a little early for me to start pulling strings -- I just got this co-chief job. Dammit, now I'm saying it! Turk: Come on, man, get me back in the game! J.D.: Mmmggghhh! Okay! Turk: O-kay! He hugs J.D., making him laugh. Turk: Okay! J.D.: You know what, here's ten bucks for letting me help you out. Spend it wisely! === I.C.U. Molly: I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to. Dr. Cox: Why? How did she used to look? She shows him a photo. Dr. Cox: Oh, dear ugly. His beeper goes off. Dr. Cox: Oh, whatta you know, the paging of the shrew. Molly: Look, why don't you just talk to her. Dr. Cox: Mm-hm. Why don't you just-- Molly: Mind my own business. I know, your life is your life, and it's not my job to fix it, unless of course you ask me to. And, man, would I get in there, 'cause I'm a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster. Shall we? Continue to... MISS MYERS' ROOM Dr. Cox: So, now, Miss Myers, um, how are you feeling? Miss Myers: I was wondering...if it were possible to have surgery again? Cox's phone rings. Dr. Cox: [answers] Hi, sweetie, I'm in a tunnel. [hangs up] Look, your body's been through an enormous amount of trauma, and I can't recommend you go racing back in to surgery. Now, I guarantee you, if you just give it time you'll be happy with the way you look. His phone rings again. Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. He answers on his way out. Dr. Cox: WHAT!? Miss Myers: I just don't look like myself. I know I had a big nose and droopy eyes, but they were my nose and my droopy eyes, you know? Molly: Tell me more about yourself. J.D.'s Narration: Around here, there's always at least one person that'll come through for you. HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE J.D.'s Narration: In Turk's case, that was me. J.D.: Hey, Elliot! Hey, I want to talk to you about this whole chief resident thing. Elliot: What about it? J.D.: Well, as you may have heard from the loudspeaker, some residents, the janitor, my mother, your mother, and a...a coma patient, um, I'm being referred to as the "co-" chief resident. I think we should either both go with "co-chief" or "chief." Don't you...co-agree? Lonnie: Excuse me. We're working up this patient for a hypercoagulable state with a prolonged PTT? What's our next step? J.D.: Well, that's easy, Lonnie, what you want to do-- Lonnie: I'd like my answer from the chief resident. J.D.: We're both chief residents. Isn't that right, Dr. Reid? Elliot: With a prolonged PTT, you'd want to do a one-to-one mixing study. Lonnie: 'S why she's the chief. You're the co-chief. J.D.: Shut up, Lonnie! Lonnie: You shut up! === HALL Molly: Obviously for your ex-wife, just the illusion of hair is important. She notices Dr. Cox. Molly: Excuse me. Ted the Lawyer: So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence? Molly: Dr. Cox, I was wondering if we could talk about Miss Myers in my office? Dr. Cox: Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know. Molly: Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage-- Dr. Cox: Something I already know, what do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it? Molly: Oh, yeah! Dr. Cox: Oh, you're gonna hang onto that? Molly: Yeah, you know, I forgot my lunch money, and it's kielbasa day in the cafeteria. Kielbasa! Dr. Cox laughs, horrified. Molly: Love it. Anyway, Miss Myers really values your opinion, but I don't think you're even trying to understand how she feels. Dr. Cox: Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients, I'll ask. But do not hold your breath, unless of course you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Molly: I can't, I used to smoke. He leaves. Molly: Kielbasa. Yes! === HALL Turk: Let me buy you lunch. J.D.: I'm rich. I'll buy you lunch and some gold teeth to eat it with! Turk: You know, you only got one more black joke this month before I bust your ass. J.D.: Dammit! I used 'em all up watching 'Barber Shop 9'. Turk: Okay, that's it, and I'll get you later. J.D.: How'd surgery go? Turk: Oh, you know, I was on top of my game. J.D.'s Narration: It can be scary to stick your neck out for a friend. That's why it's a huge relief when they come through. J.D.: How's she doing? Turk: Uh...unfortunately she didn't make it. J.D.'s Thoughts: What? === COMMERCIALS === HALL J.D.: What do you mean she died? Turk: J.D., I did everything I could. Even my attending thought I did great. He said, "Do I think you did great? Yes I do!" J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate. Turk: I know that look. You're wondering if you toyed with fate! J.D.: How could you know that look? It's a brand new look! Turk: What do you think Todd would've done that I didn't? FANTASY: O.R. Nurse: Doctor, her heart stopped. Todd: No! He rips his own heart from his chest. Todd: [gasping] Here! Todd: [gasp, gasp, gasp] I'm gay! He collapses. Nurse: I knew it. *** Turk: Oh my God! That's your "the Todd would've pulled his own heart out" look! J.D.: Okay, we have been spending way too much time together. === ADMISSIONS Cox's phone is ringing. He looks at the number. Dr. Cox: [chuckles] Guess what there, wifey. You can't be a pain in the ass if I don't have a phone. He throws his phone into the trash and turns to see Jordan standing behind him with her phone. Dr. Cox: Oh, ohh! Hi, sweetie! Jordan: Save it. I was just calling to tell you that I'm taking Jack and staying at my mother's for a few months. Dr. Cox: But who's going to be looking after him when you and your mother go out marauding for flesh? Jordan: Thank you for making this so much easier, Perry. Dr. Cox: Jordan. Jordan, come on, Jordan. Ahhh. Carla: Are you okay? Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go check on Miss Myers. Carla: Molly sent her down to surgery. Dr. Cox: Oh-ho-ho, wrong day, new chick! J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, it's hard not to let your personal life affect your professional life. O.R. Turk's Thoughts: Forget about J.D. You're just as good as the Todd. You got this. Turk: All right, people! I believe we're done here. Dr. Lemmon: Did you just sew your gown into the patient? Yeah, ya did. NURSES' STATION Janitor: Hey! Hey, someone! Hey! Randall was in the air conditioning vent, and it collapsed on him! Buddy! Randall: [coughing] Co-chief. Co-chief! Janitor: Hey, you fixed him! Come on, buddy! J.D.'s Thoughts: That's it! J.D.: Dr. Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident. Dr. Kelso: Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident. J.D.: But I'm the chief resident. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident, and--and mine's made out to the co-chief resident. But we both make the same amount. Dr. Kelso: You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making ten dollars more a month, and of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making ten dollars less. I know it's not much, but it's largely to symbolize the difference in your levels. Elliot: Coolio! Dr. Kelso: Coolio, indeed. Elliot laughs. J.D.'s Thoughts: I could spend all day worrying about what just happened, but I have more important things to do. TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D.: Hey, man. Look what I confiscated from one of the kids in Pediatrics. He pops a pop-cap on Turk's head. Turk: OWWW! J.D.: What, too hot? Turk: YEAH! J.D.: Sorry. Turk: Not in the mood! J.D.: Okay, well, look, we both might have had bad days, but I got just the thing that's gonna cheer us up. Flash to... A BIT LATER J.D.: Ahhh? Dream come true, right! Turk: Do you really think I want this suit? Turk: Well, I do. But not from you! J.D.: Oh, now I get it. You're just mad because I make more money than you. Turk: No, I'm mad because of that surgery today. You doubted me. J.D.: You are such a wuss! J.D.: Turk, come on. J.D.: Ah, these things chafe. Now I know why Eddie called it "Raw." J.D.: Carla! Do you have any powder? === CAFETERIA Dr. Cox: You. You went behind my back. Molly: I gave you every opportunity to do the right thing. Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, Miss Manners: Why don't you go ahead and gulp down that bear-sized bite, and then we'll talk. Molly: [chewing] Mm-hmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm! Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm-mm. MM! [swallows] Yummy! Man, that is great kielbasa. But you can't really screw up kielbasa, can you? [laughs] So, um, where were we? Dr. Cox: Honest to God, I can't remember. Molly: Oh, right, Miss Myers. The plastic surgeon said it was safe to operate, and Miss Myers really liked her old face. And you don't have to be a psychiatrist to see, Perry, that if you used to be truly happy and now you're not, then you should go back to the way it was when you were happy. Isn't that what you would do? Dr. Cox: Yeah.... He rushes off. PERRY AND JORDAN'S APARTMENT Dr. Cox: [panting] Jordan! Will you...will you divorce me? Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask! HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE J.D. grunts and groans trying to remove the "Co-" from his name plaque with a crowbar. Elliot: Listen, I probably shoulda put a stop to all this co-chief stuff. J.D.: What co-chief stuff? I haven't even been thinking about it. Elliot: Look, J.D., ever since you dumped me, everyone around here's been treating me like some kind of a victim. It's like, "Ohh, look at poor Elliot going home alone." Or, "Ohh, look at poor Elliot riding a tandem bike by herself." That's not something I normally do, I just really wanted ice cream the other night, my car was out of gas, and that's the bike the g*n loaned me. They do everything together.... J.D.: Okay.... Elliot: The point is it was nice being the one chief resident for a while, you know? She easily pulls off the "co-". J.D.: She's got fingers like biceps! PARK Ted the Lawyer: And so, by the power vested in me by the American Bar Association, I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife. You may now do whatever the hell you want! Jordan: I've never been this happy. Dr. Cox: Me neither. Carla: [to Jack] You have no chance of being normal. J.D.: Mm-mm. The crowd cheers the happily unmarried couple. Beck's "Lost Cause" fades in. J.D.: Thirsty, huh? Ted the Lawyer: Helps the tears taste less bitter. J.D.: Cheers. J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce? Turk: By not inviting you! J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad? Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me! Carla: I believe in you, baby. Turk: Yeah, but we're married -- that doesn't count. Carla: What the? Ow, ow, ow, what? J.D.: Did you, uh...? Turk: Yeah, she's been graveled. J.D.: Nice work. Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks? Turk: I don't. I care what you think. Since the day I met you, you've...treated me like I was the man, like I could accomplish everything. This is gonna sound lame, but -- Softball Player: I've got it! Turk: -- your being like that's one of the reasons I've gotten to where I am. J.D.: Wow. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. J.D.'s Narration: In the end, every relationship needs maintenance. Turk: Hey, Ted. Get out the sun, man. Ted the Lawyer: [angry drunk] You owe me money! J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's the smallest gesture... HOSPITAL -- HALL Dr. Cox: Hey, Doctor. Doctor! Want to, uh, you wanna take a look at the guy in 302 and tell me whether or not you think he's really sick or just bonkers? Molly: Are you actually asking my opinion? Dr. Cox: Well, I'm gonna ignore it, but...yeah, knock yourself out. J.D.'s Narration: ...or just picking up back where you left off. TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT Turk: I'm a little nervous about surgery tomorrow. J.D.: Aw, you'll kick ass. Carla: So are you guys gonna go out tonight? Turk: No, we're gonna stay in. Carla: Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people. J.D.: Are your giblets warm? Turk: Like a Christmas ham! J.D.: Same! J.D.'s Narration: The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it's pretty easy to make the sacrifice. HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE Elliot: Wow. Thanks, J.D. Elliot: Ow! J.D.: And she's just been graveled! Song ends.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "04x03 - My New Game"}	foreverdreaming
ADMISSIONS J.D. watches Elliot and Molly over at the desk laughing and talking. J.D.'s Narration: Being the new doctor at a hospital can be difficult. That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you. Doctor: Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here. J.D.: Yeah, Ron, the I Don't Care ward's down there. J.D.'s Narration: Anyway, the person who reached out to Molly...was Elliot. Elliot: Hey, do you wanna go down to Little Tokyo and do karaoke with me tonight? Molly: Do people with trichotillomania compulsively pull their hair out? Elliot: [pause] Do they? Molly: Yeah! Elliot: Cool. 'Cause inviting you to karaoke is kind of a big deal to me. I'm a little shy about my "-aoke." Heh. Molly: I'm sure you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Elliot: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty tone-deaf. And I do these, like, kick moves that I don't think people really get. Plus I sometimes wear a cape. Eh! It's probably all in my head. J.D.'s Thoughts: It's not. Dr. Cox passes. J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something? Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power. Absolutely loved the leg warmers! J.D.: First of all, they were just big socks, okay? And secondly, if you need to do some laundry, here's the washboard, right? Dr. Cox: What do you want? J.D.: As co-chief resident, I've noticed that some of my residents are a little overwhelmed. And I-I-I think it would be nice if you gave 'em one of your patented pep-talks, you know? Dr. Cox: I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep-talk. Cut to... I.C.U. Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kll a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be brned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -- Doug: "Pee-pants." Dr. Cox: -- he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kll this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Doug is furiously taking notes. J.D.: Doug!!! Stop writing and go! Doug whimpers and runs off. Dr. Cox: That young man has klled so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kll. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you mrder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best! J.D.: Thank you...thank you, Dr. Cox.... Uhh, okay, guys, pizza and punch in the penthouse. J.D.: Doug! J.D.: Wrong patient -- one bed over. Doug: Hey there! === TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT Turk: This is like my eleventh slice. J.D.: Cannonball this! Turk: Mm. Turk: That's the good stuff! J.D.: So anyway, after Dr. Cox scared them, no one wanted pizza or punch. Except for Doug, who'd worked up a hearty appetite neglecting Mrs. Samson into a coma. Carla is heard shrieking from the bedroom. Carla: Turk! What is Rowdy doing in my closet? Turk: He's guarding your shoes, baby! Carla: He almost gave me a heart attck! Turk: Baby, could you do me a favor and not hold him by the haunches like that? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia. J.D.: He's a pure-bred -- it's genetic. Carla: She releases Rowdy from her grip, dropping him to the floor. The guys gasp in alarm. Carla: I am sick of that creepy thing! I want him out of my house! Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out? J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese! Turk: And don't think Rowdy doesn't know what's going on here! Carla: What's he gonna do? *FANTASY: Rowdy comes to life and attcks Carla. BACK TO REALITY*** J.D.: Easy, boy. She ain't worth it. === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === HALL / NURSES' STATION J.D.: So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home. Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my trans-am? J.D.: That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you klled. Mrs. Carter: Ohhh, they were everywhere! J.D.: You were on a race-track, Mrs. Carter. He passes the desk where Carla, Elliot, and Molly are talking. Elliot: I don't get why Turk was so upset about Rowdy. I mean, he's just a creepy, stuffed, stupid yellow dad dog. They look at her. Elliot: Too many adjectives? Molly: Well, I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk. I mean he's basically a link to his childhood. Carla: He bought him eight years ago at a garage sale. Molly: Oh, well, then he's just a Nutter Butter. Carla: Still...I think I really hurt his feelings. Elliot: Maybe you should do something nice for Rowdy. Like get him cleaned. Carla: Hmm. Flash to... DOG GROOMER Carla brings Rowdy in. Child screams. Groomer 1: Mm-mm-mm. Groomer 2: Nope. Carla: Your sign doesn't say live dog groomer! === PATIENT'S ROOM J.D.'s Narration: As doctors, we always take patients' histories, even though there usually aren't a lot of surprises. Elliot: And, Mr. Phillips, do you exercise? Mr. Phillips: Yoga every morning. Elliot: Ugh, I can't do yoga -- all that deep breathing. I hate breathing. [laughs] Except, you know, to live. Umm, do you drink? Mr. Phillips: Occasional glass of wine with dinner. Elliot: And any drug use? Mr. Phillips: Been on and off heroin for the last eight years, but I've been clean for the last six months. See? Look, no track marks. Kid: Way to go, daddy! Mr. Phillips: [laughs and tousles kid's hair] 'S my biggest fan! Elliot: Heh. Umm.... Do you smoke cigarettes? Mr. Phillips: No way. Elliot: Of course not. Those things'll kll ya. INTENSIVE CARE WARD J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle. Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest? J.D.: Not just someone -- Dr. de Man. Mr. Daniels: Who is Dr. de Man? J.D.: Say it...say it without the "Dr." Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man? J.D.: No, just say the--the last name. Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man? J.D.: I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you. Mr. Daniels stares blankly. J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, now that you've got his confidence, drive it home. J.D.: So I'll go ahead and schedule the procedure. Mr. Daniels: If you think it's the right thing to do. J.D.: I do. He walks out to the hall, catching up with Dr. Cox. J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a mrder" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating. Dr. Cox: That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia! Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really...it's really not a question of "if" -- it's a question of "when." J.D.'s Thoughts: It's strange. Even though a lot of patients have died under my care, I don't think I've klled any of them.... *FANTASY: DINER J.D.: Heaven's a diner? Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear. J.D.: Ooh! Maybe I'll have some flapjacks! Elaine: They don't have those. J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven!?! Are flapjacks evil? We--d-d-don't worry about it. Listen, dad people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know...klled you? Mr. Bursky: No. Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor. Elaine: He was nervous. Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird! But no, dear. You didn't kll any of us. J.D.: [embarrassed] You know what? I left my wallet back on earth. BACK TO REALITY*** J.D.: Haha! Suckers! === WHEELCHAIR RAMP Janitor: Heard you're trying to clean a dad dog. Carla: Yeah, who told you that? Janitor: Mmm, the wind.... Blonde doctor. Carla: Oh. Janitor: I can clean it for you. Carla: Why would you do that? Janitor: I don't know.... Still a little drunk from breakfast. Plus, taxidermy used to be kind a...hobby of mine. You know, till the state took my license away. Carla: How come? Ted the Lawyer: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo? Flash to... JANITOR'S GARAGE Janitor: Let's call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers -- Troy. Flash back to... WHEELCHAIR RAMP Janitor: There were never any squirrels. === I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Elliot: Turk. Got this patient who's got a damaged heart valve and needs a replacement. Turk: Is he a good candidate for surgery? Elliot: Definitely. Thirty-five, married, good job, cute little boy, great dog.... Can't remember what kind they said -- long-time recovering heroin addict -- a bulldog! That's what it was! Named Paris -- after the city, not the slutty socialite tramp. Turk: He's a heroin addict? Elliot: Yeah, but he is, like, super serious about his sobriety. I mean, he's been to rehab like six times. Turk: Sounds like he needs to dial it up to super-duper serious, huh! Elliot: [laughs] I'll tell him! Turk: Look, Elliot, you know the chief of surgery isn't gonna accept the surgical risk of a valve replacement on someone who's just gonna destroy it with drugs. Elliot sighs. === CAFETERIA Turk: Want some of my pancakes? J.D.: Uh, devil cakes? No thank you! Do you know that Dr. Cox is trying to convince me that everyone eventually kills a patient? But I haven't! I know you haven't! Turk: Hell yeah, I have. Remember my first year? Mr. Quinn? I forgot to write the order for his albumin drip and he...hemorrhaged and died. You want your doughnut? J.D.'s Narration: And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one. Elliot: Mmm, Mrs. Kahn, my second year. Doug: Uh, Mrs. Studebaker, forty minutes into my first day. Dr. Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think? Doug: On my third day, there was Mr. Kirshnar. Todd: Jenny Roth, about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot. Doug: And then later that third day-- His beeper goes off. Doug: Oh, boy, that can't be good. Dr. Cox: No, Newbie, I have not klled. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're that good? J.D.: Oh my God. I'm gonna kll someone. === MOLLY'S OFFICE Elliot: Anyway, because of the heroin use, surgery doesn't want to give Mr. Phillips a heart valve. So now an ethics committee is gonna decide if he gets the operation or not. And I'm freakin' out, because I've gotta go and argue his case at-- She notices the clock. Elliot: Oh my God! Is it already two o'clock!? Molly: Oh, relax, that's Greenland time. This way I remember to call my mom on her vacation before she goes on the boat. Elliot: "The boat"? Molly: Yeah, she's been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman. Elliot: How fun for her! Molly: Look, I've dealt with a lot of ethics committees, and you're gonna be great. I mean the key is just be confident. Elliot: Well, I'm not. Molly: I tell you what: I'll go with you for moral support. And, you know, if things get dicey 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts, then we could make out -- and they'll give you whatever you want. Todd: What? I thought I heard something. Elliot: Goodbye, Todd. Todd: Back to the transplant. Elliot: So, who's even on an ethics committee? Molly: Well, obviously higher ups. Umm... Transition to... CAFETERIA Molly: [voice over] ...the Chief of Medicine.... A sharp legal mind.... And an older doctor with a wealth of experience. Dr. Kelso: If Edwards is dad, I want his cupcake. Ted the Lawyer: Not yet. === INTENSIVE CARE WARD J.D.'s Narration: As I was contemplating how easy it would be to make my first fatal mistake, I had a feeling that Mr. Daniels felt good about this procedure. Mr. Daniels: You know, I feel good about this procedure. J.D.'s Narration: See? Still, we all end up leaning on certain clichés when making major decisions. Like, "Don't jump off a bridge if you don't know how deep the water is." J.D.: This procedure's too risky right now, Mr. Daniels, I think we should wait. Meanwhile... THE MINI Carla drives along. J.D.'s Narration: And, of course, the classic, "No matter how clean the janitor gets your husband's dad dog, you still need to put him in the trunk and not accidentally leave him on the roof when you drive off." She hits a bump and Rowdy goes sailing through the air, landing in front of a child, who screams. Meanwhile... BOARD ROOM Molly stands by as Elliot faces the ethics committee. J.D.'s Narration: And finally, the lesser-known, "You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side." Elliot: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this. Dr. Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think? Ted the Lawyer: She knows my name! Whatever she wants! Dr. Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean? Molly: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I-I think you should ask Ted again. Ted the Lawyer: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake? Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock. Edwards, here, is at best just a few minutes away from walking towards the light, so what's say you stop wasting our time and give me your professional opinion. J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes friends will surprise you. Molly: Mr. Phillips' numerous relapses paint the picture of someone who has not overcome his addictions, sooo, no, I don't think he will. Elliot: [hissing] Karaoke's so off! === COMMERCIALS === HALL Elliot storms out of the board room, Molly behind her. Molly: Look, I know you're mad. Elliot: Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer. Molly: Look, I'm sorry, but when they asked me for my professional opinion, I had to give it. Elliot: Oh, I don't know, if you were a real friend you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me -- any of the stuff that we talked about! Todd: Did I just hear? Molly: Todd! Molly: Look, I really want to work this out, but I have to see this schizophrenic patient, and it's already six. Elliot: No, Molly, it's three! You're still on stupid Greenland time! Molly: Oh, sht, I forgot to call my mom in Yergi(?). === HALL J.D.'s Narration: I know I bailed on Mr. Daniels, but the whole having not klled thing got in my head. Still, no one will notice. Dr. Cox: Ah! Kiki Dee! I heard Mr. Daniels isn't getting his periocardiocentesis. Since when? J.D.'s Thoughts: Now you're gonna lie here. Don't be too specific! J.D.: Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon. His wife did not want him to do it. She's beautiful, by the way -- one green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxem...bourgian. Dr. Cox: Where in Luxembourg? I-I spent two weeks there. J.D.'s Thoughts: What are the odds? Just stay vague. J.D.: Uh, outside Mertert, near the German border. Dr. Cox: Ah. J.D.: They say what they miss most are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River. J.D.'s Thoughts: You are channeling that seventh grade book report! Dr. Cox: Okay. Okay, then. J.D.'s Thoughts: bllet dodged! He totally bought it! Hey, where's he taking me? Continue to... INTENSIVE CARE WARD Dr. Cox: Mr. Daniels. We have rethought things and decided that you should have that procedure. Mr. Daniels: Okay. Dr. Cox: I know that took quite a bit of cajoling, but I think I was able to convince him. J.D.'s Narration: That's okay. 'Cause I wasn't the only one lying around here. ADMISSIONS(?) Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy. Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home. Turk: Why? Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a...strip club! Turk: Okay. J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second? Turk: Can't talk now, good stuff's happenin'! J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second? Guy: Don't care! Carla: Where, where am I gonna find a dad stuffed yellow lab? Janitor: I can help. Carla: No, you have work to do. They laugh together at the absurdity. Janitor: Let's go. Flash to... YARD Carla: NO!!! Janitor: Okay. I just needed to know where the line was. Janitor: Helloo. Wrong place, wrong time, little buddy. Flash to... JANITOR'S GARAGE Janitor: Fellas, I'd like you all to meet...Kyle. Welcome him, treat him as a brother. You'll enjoy it here. Any complaints, go to Duane. Umm, what've we got on the table. Greg, may I run the meeting? Is that cool? Okay. === MR. PHILLIPS' ROOM Elliot: Well, I guess I was a little more persuasive than I thought. You got the heart valve! Mr. Phillips: Oh! That's amazing! Elliot laughs happily. Mr. Phillips: We have to celebrate. How do you celebrate without heroin? Elliot: Uh, with cake mostly. Mr. Phillips: Then let's score some cake. Elliot: And, Mr. Phillips, part of the deal here is that you'll come back for the next six weeks for drug rehab. Mr. Phillips: Absolutely. Not a problem. I'm real good at rehab! Elliot laughs. Mr. Phillips: But after that, I'm gonna move my family down to Florida. Start fresh, you know? Elliot: Yeah. Molly: Hey! Did somebody page me? I'm sorry I took so long, I was just eating lunch. Elliot: Oh, of course you were! It's 8:30 in the morning! Just wanted to let you know that the committee voted in my favor. Molly: Congratulations! Elliot: Thank you. Molly: Well, I was congratulating Dean. Elliot: Uh, why? Molly: He got a new heart valve. Elliot: Oh, right. She voted against you! Molly: Can I talk to you outside? Cut to... HALL Molly: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this? Elliot: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine. Molly: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay? Elliot: Said the loser. [laughs] Who lost. Molly: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity. Elliot: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna-- Molly: Eyebrows. J.D.: "Eyebrows." Like that's gonna make you-- Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face. J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be that insecure. Elliot: Giant Adam's apple! J.D.: I have to go. J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me. Cut to... INTENSIVE CARE WARD J.D. has a large red turtleneck on under his scrubs. J.D.'s Narration: Besides, I had bigger problems. I had to do Mr. Daniels' procedure. Luckily I'm a professional, and professionals finish the job. J.D.: This needle is too sticky! I'm out! Get it together, Laverne! Dr. Cox: Hey, Peggy? Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August, and can only assume it's got something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea. Let me put your mind at ease: You've klled before. J.D.: Who? Dr. Cox: Do you remember Mrs. Carter? FLASHBACK: PARKING LOT J.D.: Whoa. Bye-bye. Mrs. Carter: Wahoooo! BACK TO PRESENT* J.D.: She died? Dr. Cox: Three days ago of endocarditis. You didn't get blood cultures and you missed it. You happy? J.D.'s Narration: The weird thing was that I was a little happy. J.D.: Sticky needle please! Nurse Roberts: Here you go, Doctor. Oh, by the way, when this is over [sotto] I'm kicking your ass! DOCTORS' LOUNGE Janitor: Psst! Where's your husband? Flash to... STRIP CLUB Turk is happily following Carla's request. Flash back to... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Carla: He isn't here. Janitor: Ruff, ruff. Carla: [gasps in delight] You found Rowdy!?! Janitor: Nope. Not Rowdy. This is Steven. You know, Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail, Steven's only 46...on a good day. Carla: I think we're okay! [laughs] Janitor: I got him off another taxidermy guy on the internet. Had to trade him my, uh, squirrel army. Carla: Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that; but thank you! Janitor: Nah. Everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great...I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world. Carla: Thank you. Thank-- Janitor: He likes the park. Carla: Let it go. Okay. Carla: Ew. Smells like Rowdy. Janitor: He's Steven. === HALL J.D.'s Narration: klling Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed. Mrs. Carter: I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool. Nurse Roberts: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar. Mrs. Carter: [shrugging] Mmm. J.D.'s Thoughts: Mrs. Carter? Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? [laughing] I did, didn't I! And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kll. When, when, when when when when when when when when? J.D.: You know what, I don't appreciate lying. Dr. Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kll. In fact, should be any day now! Cary Brothers' "Blue Eyes" comes up. J.D.'s Narration: One of the hardest things around here is that sometimes you don't get to know how things end. FRONT DESK(?) Molly: What are you doing? Elliot: Oh, just waiting for Mr. Phillips. He, uh, showed up the first couple of days, but he's missed his last three rehab appointments. Molly: I'll wait with you. Elliot: Thanks. I got my eyebrows waxed. Molly: They look really good. TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's wondering if your husband will realize you replaced his dad dog with a shorter replica... INTENSIVE CARE WARD J.D.'s Narration: ...Or wondering when and if you're gonna k*ll that first person. J.D.: Okay, everybody, watch closely, because if you're not careful, you can cause a pneumothorax. KARAOKE BAR J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately it'll drive you crazy if you don't have a friend to help you through it. Molly: You know, he might have gone to Florida early. Maybe he's going to a hospital down there. Elliot: You think? Molly: I don't know. Maybe. They watch the karaoke singer finish "Blue Eyes." The girls cheer. Elliot: Okay, there is no way I'm following that guy. I don't even have my cape. ====	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "04x04 - My First k*ll"}	foreverdreaming
HOTEL EXTERIOR -- DAY A valet drives a convertible to the front door J.D. exits. J.D.'s Narration: Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living in a hotel. He slickly slides down the handrail. J.D.: [Falling] Woog, whoa! Hopping to his feet, the valet tosses him the keys to the Porsche. J.D.'s Narration: But that's not the only thing that's changed around here. Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" blares. Cut to... PORSCHE -- EN ROUTE J.D. checks his reflection in the rearview mirror. J.D.'s Narration: Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed bad-ass. Meanwhile... NORTH COUNTY UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER (NCUMC) -- MAIN ENTRANCE Elliot walks in to work. J.D.'s Narration: Elliot actually works at a different hospital. She's trying to lay low at first. She hides her face in her white coat from some passing colleagues. Elliot: [Tripping and falling] Whooooa! Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Carla runs in with a sandwich for Turk. J.D.'s Narration: And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby. Carla: Here you go, baby. [Climbs into bed, undoing her robe.] I know you like foreplay, but I only have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich. Turk: [Transfixed] That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Carla: Over here, Turk. Turk: [Pulling his eyes from the sandwich] My bad, baby. He takes a bite and climbs into bed. Back to... PORSCHE -- STOP LIGHT J.D.'s Narration: Yep! Life was different. An out of breath guy on foot catches up with him. Guy: Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet? J.D.'s Thoughts: This didn't feel like my scooter. Time Lapse... J.D. runs his finger over the paint one last time, getting a swift slap on the hand from the guy. J.D.: Ow! Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses...[hands them over]...here's your driving scarf...[hands that]...and here are your driving gloves. [After receiving those, the guy still waits.] Fine...here's your driving sock. [Pulls it from the front of his pants and hands it over.] The guy takes the sock and crams it into his pants as he heads for the driver's side of his car. J.D.'s Narration: I didn't care. Because now that I'm an attending, I had picked out a whole new look. Cut to... SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS J.D. and Cox stand next to each other at the front desk, going over their morning charts and wearing the exact same grey scrub bottoms and tight blue tee. J.D.: Good morning, colleagues! Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely not. J.D.: Ohh, what, Tall, Dark and Scary? I can wear whatever the hell I-- [Cox holds up a hand, flicking the fingers.] What are you doing? Dr. Cox: [Still flicking] This is my new imaginary warning light. Whenever it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kll someone. One, two, three, four -- J.D. rushes off. Time Lapse... J.D. returns, with his tee shirt knotted around his head. Dr. Cox: -- seven, eight, nine, and ten. J.D.: I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap tee-shirt off. Dr. Cox: It'll happen. He shoulder checks J.D. on his way past. J.D.: Ow. The Janitor comes up behind J.D. and jerks the wadded tee off his head. J.D.: Aaaaauuugh! Okay, I'm--you know, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go with "ow." Janitor: How depressing is it being you? Would you equate it to being a life-long Cub fan, or being born without lips? J.D.: Born without lips. Janitor: I know a guy. His house just brned down. J.D.: How sad. Janitor: Well, he was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke...'cause he looks ridiculous. [Pulling lips back and holding an imaginary cigarette] "I have a snake face!" J.D.: Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me? I have new interns starting. Can you imagine what it must be like to see this place through their eyes for the first time? Cut to... SACRED HEART -- EXTERIOR The Finn Brothers' "Anything Can Happen" opens as our view changes to the first-person perspective of an arriving intern, soon to be known as Keith, who takes a deep breath and steps off his shuttle bus at the Emergency Entrance. Todd stops him. Todd: [Pointing] Something on your shirt, kid. Keith: [Looks down] Uh? [Todd does a nose flick] Uh! Todd: Ha-ha-ha! Classic! Keith chuckles uneasily. Keith: [Spotting Jordan] Heeey.... Jordan: Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public. It's free in private...[purrs] Frazzled, Keith whacks into the closing atmatic door. He recovers and enters, passing Dr. Kelso and Ted. Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport. Ted: Get out while you still can. Keith: Uh... Ted: Seriously, get out while you still can. Nurse Roberts approaches. Nurse Roberts: Junior? Have you seen Johnny? You know, Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people? Intern: [Shaking head] Mmmm...mm-mm. Nurse Roberts: Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient? Keith finds J.D. J.D.: Hey! You must be Keith. Keith: Uh, heh. J.D.: Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back. Johnny: [Tackling J.D.] WHO AM I!!!??? J.D.: Whaaaagggghhh! Nurse Roberts: [Turning to Keith] I found him. === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. J.D. faces Keith. J.D.: Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing! He makes a funny noise as he musses Keith's hair into his eyes. Intern: Wuh! Heh heh! [Pushes the hair back] Hmmm. J.D.: Heh! Dynamite bangs! [Turns to the others and walks over to a bed] Hey, guys! Follow me. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky -- this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem? Keith looks over at the rough-looking fellow patient who just placed the IV. Reverend Mayhem: [Heading back to his bed] No problem. J.D.: Okay, good work, buddy. Stay in school. [To the patient] Mr. Kellerman! How're you feeling? Mr. Kellerman: Not great. J.D.: Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha! [Leading the interns back to the desk] Humor is a great ice-breaker for patients, okay? Follow me. Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure. Okay, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics -- okay? -- that way we'll loosen up some of the fluid around his lungs. The good news is he'll go home tomorrow. The bad news is, if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list. See, in medicine there are lots of Catch-22s, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing until he caught -- how many fish? anybody? -- that's right, twenty-two. See, in 1492, Columbus-- Dr. Cox: Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself. J.D.: [To the interns] Oh, you guys can skedaddle. They turn and head out, Keith in the direct line of Dr. Kelso, who enters the unit. Dr. Kelso: [In Keith's face] Booga booga! Keith: Gah! Cox and J.D. grimace as the interns continue on past Kelso. Dr. Kelso: [Chuckles] I love interns. Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow. Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. But I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's side car door. Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass -- they should meet. Dorian, after four years, I can only hope you are no longer following in his footsteps. J.D.: I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab.... [Hushed tone] There's an asparagus issue. Dr. Kelso: Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder. He gives a couple of pats and heads out. J.D.: Thanks, Dr. Kelso! [To Cox] You know, he said "half-sincere" but I'm pretty sure it was full-sincere. Feel my shoulder -- it's still warm. Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. [Chuckles] Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men. J.D.: Yes, we are. Dr. Cox: ...The women are men. The children are men. The men -- of course -- men! So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. [Shoves some 3x5s with the word "Man" on them into J.D.'s hand.] Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you. J.D.: I don't need your approval, or your stupid "Man Cards"! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy? Dr. Cox: [Snatching one] Thank you. J.D.: Dammit! === THEATRE BOX OFFICE -- EARLY EVENING A sweaty Turk laboriously lugs his overstuffed backpack to the window and knocks on the glass. J.D.'s Narration: That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies. Turk: [Gasping] One, please! Flash to... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Turk and J.D. sneak in the front door of the dark apartment. J.D.'s Narration: Afterwards, we talked about my living arrangements. J.D.: [Quiet] Are you sure about this? Turk: [Quiet] You shouldn't stay in a hotel, so why don't you just stay here until you find a place. J.D.: [Quiet] Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her? Turk: [Quiet] I don't know. Whatta you think? The bedroom door opens, and a sleepy Carla looks out. Carla: Turk? Is that you? There's frantic zipping, and Turk stands up to face Carla with the overstuffed backpack strapped on. Turk: [Gasping] Yes. I'll be right in, baby. Carla: [Going back in] Mm. Mmkay. Turk drops the backpack on the table and unzips the cover to reveal J.D. all squished against an arm and a foot. J.D.: Ahhh. Dude, you left your gym shorts in here! Turk: Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can -- so it'd be about a hour and a half. J.D.: Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose? [Turk does so, which makes J.D.'s foot twitch.] Oooh. Okay...okay.... [Turk closes the backpack.] Don't zip me! [Ziiiip!] Up! Turk pats the backpack and runs off to the bedroom. J.D.: [Wiggling and grumbling inside the pack] Turk! Turk! [The pack falls off the table] Whoo-whoa-oooog! === SACRED HEART -- CAFETERIA -- THE NEXT DAY Elliot sits across from Turk and Carla, who openly canoodle. Elliot: I'm a little sick of the Turks. A turban-clad man at the next table turns around. Omar: Excuse me? Elliot: Heh, not you, Omar. I love your people. I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap. Carla: Oh, babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and all my change fell out the bottom. J.D.: [Arriving to take the seat next to Elliot] Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating. Turk: Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times. J.D.: Well, maybe a hundred wasn't enough? I don't know. Dr. Cox: [Stops on his way past, grabbing a Man Card from J.D.'s pocket, slapping him in the forehead with it] Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. J.D.: Dammit! Turk: Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here? Carla: Oh, she hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital yet. Elliot: How did this conversation become about me? J.D.: The Turks are sneaky.... Not you guys -- I think Omar took my pudding. He sneaks a peek at the other table, where Omar is enjoying some pudding. Omar: Mmmmm. J.D.: [Calls over to the interns' table] Hey, Keith! Keith: Uhhhh? J.D.: Can I get your pudding? Keith grabs the cup off his tray and tosses it to J.D. J.D.: [Impressed by the power] Interns.... Elliot: Mm! Carla: Elliot, you should be excited about meeting people over there. You could totally reinvent yourself. Elliot: You're right! [Stands] I'm gonna tell them that I am the most perfect doctor ever who never needs anyone's help with anything! She excitedly goes off. Turk: That'll end well. Dude! J.D. slaps Omar's hand away from his pudding. J.D.: [Scolding in Turkish] Subtitle: That's my pudding Omar! J.D.: This guy's unbelievable! === SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. J.D. has his interns gathered. Keith eyes the "TO DO LIST" he has on his clipboard, the only item being "find courage to talk." J.D.: Okay, guys, for some reason Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better. I think we should be more aggressive. Keith? Keith: Uhhh? J.D.: Why don't you go get a Lasix drip. Keith starts down the hall. J.D.: Other way, Keith! Keith clears his throat as he heads the other way. J.D. leads the rest of the group down the hall. J.D.: [Reading one of their charts] Oh, Jason...when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy" -- never "bangin' double-Ds." The interns titter as he hands the clipboard back. Jason: There's so much paperwork. My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any. Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital. *FANTASY* SACRED HEART HORSE -- HOSPITAL FOR HUMANS -- I.C.U. The door opens, where everything pretty much looks the same, but all the staff carry around gn. J.D. carries his to the bed of a patient whose broken leg is in a sling. J.D.: I'm sorry, Mr. Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg. Mr. Larson whinnies as J.D. cocks the rfle. BANG! *BACK TO REALITY* J.D.: ...We would have better hours. All right, gng, get out of here. The interns break up. Deep in the nearby Nurses' Station, the Janitor focuses a digital camera. J.D.: Hey, everybody? Great work today! The Janitor snaps J.D.'s thumb's up pose. Janitor: How do you bother someone without being around them? That is the question. He ducks into the Copy Room, where we hear the copier and some heavy-duty cutting. The Janitor emerges with a life-size cardboard cut-out of J.D. with his thumb's up. Dr. Kelso: [Passing] Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like The Fonz. Janitor: Perfect. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM J.D. is at the sink brushing his teeth. J.D.'s Thoughts: Being Turk's secret roommate was going great...[there's a knock at the door]...until now. Carla: [Outside the door] Turk? I'm leaving for work. J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay. You've been working on your Turk impression since college. Time to shine! Carla: Turk? J.D. [With Turk's voice] Baby, I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business. Carla: [Heading out the door] Don't forget to use the Glade! Once the front door slams shut, J.D. comes out of the bathroom, and Turk crawls out from his hiding place under the table. Turk: Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded! J.D.: I thought she was gone? Turk: Nah, she came back for a quickie. All this baby stuff, man, I feel like she rushed me into it. Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm ready. J.D.: Well, you better get ready, she's been off The Pill for like a week. Turk hums guiltily. J.D.: What have you done? FLASHBACK* BEDROOM Turk opens his eyes and positions a pill in the air over his sleeping wife's slightly open mouth. He aims, and drops. Carla coughs slightly on the pill before settling back to sleep. *BACK TO PRESENT* Turk: Think she'll be mad? J.D.'s eyes widen. === NCUMC -- NURSES' STATION Elliot waits for the atmatic coffee machine to fill her cup. It smartly does so, but stupidly keeps running even after her cup runneth over. She sticks another cup under the flow. Nurse: Dr. Reid? Need some help? Elliot: [Nonchalant] Heh, I don't need anyone's help, thank you. The nurse continues on. Elliot: [Hissing at the machine] Stop running! She slips a third cup under the stream as her fellowship director approaches. Director: Doctor? [Elliot looks up with a small throat clear and pasted smile.] Do you know where the Foley caths are? Elliot: Sir, I know where everything is.... [Grabs the third cup; the machine keeps pouring.] Be right back. He goes on. Elliot: [Hissing] Stupid coffee robot! Frick! She rushes out of the hospital, driving and running all the way over to... SACRED HEART -- SUPPLY CLOSET She opens the door to Keith, who's hiding in here. Elliot: Don't sweat it, kid. I used to hide here when I worked at this place. I'm in a fellowship now, heh. Um, Foley caths, please. [He hands her a box.] Thanks. She high tails it back to... NCUMC Careful not to slip on the puddle of coffee on the floor, she breathlessly delivers the package to the waiting director. Director: Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle? Elliot: [Heading back out] Ahhhh! Frick fricky frick frick! === SACRED HEART -- ROOF A The Janitor is finishing setting up his J.D. cut-out. Janitor: Nice ass, grandma! He ducks. The female patient seen in the adjacent window, with her open-backed gown, turns to see "J.D." out there giving her a thumb's up. She screams. Cut to... HALL J.D. walks past the woman's room. J.D.'s Narration: That screaming patient would have to wait. I had bigger problems! Follow to... I.C.U. J.D. interrupts his working interns. J.D.: Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing? And get this -- the nurse told me you never even started him on a Lasix drip. And Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask, are you people trained Kllers? Say something, Keith! Keith: [Consulting his "TO DO LIST"] Uh...I...eh...uh... Jason: Dr. Dorian, if he gets bad enough and we have to put him on inotropes, he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart. J.D.'s Thoughts: They're messing up on purpose? J.D.: Who told you guys to do this? J.D.'s Narration: There's a lotta ways to get caught... Meanwhile... FRONT DESK Turk feeds Carla a bite of brownie. J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you get caught because you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night, so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies. Carla: [Dropping a pill in front of him] What's that? Turk: Oh, that? That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it. Meanwhile... SUPPLY CLOSET Elliot holds an armload of supplies. J.D.'s Narration: Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it. She's startled by Dr. Kelso opening the door. Elliot: Just...doing some inventory...sir. Heh. Dr. Kelso: [Smiles] That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart. Elliot: Heh. Back to... I.C.U. J.D. waves some charts in Keith's face. J.D.: Come on, guys? Who put you up to this? J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. [Dr. Cox arrives with a whistle.] And all because I, too, had been eating Turk's special homemade brownies. Dr. Cox: Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for the birth control pill. So! I will be taking one of...[grabs a Man Card from J.D.'s pocket]...these. [Heads out.] Thank you! J.D.: [Under breath] Dammit! He glares at Keith. === COMMERCIALS === CAFETERIA Keith stares down at his feet. J.D.: Keith, look at me. [Keith looks up into the faces of J.D. and Cox.] Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders? Keith freaks as, behind J.D., Dr. Cox makes thrat gestures. J.D. turns to look. Dr. Cox: Aw, what the hell. I was doing this [makes the choking gesture] and mouthing "I'll kll you" -- [to Keith] which I will if you don't get out of here. Go on, get. Keith escapes down the hall, where he finds a man with an oxygen mask. He desperately reaches out for it, but Ted, sitting next to the man, grabs it first. Ted: I saw it first. [Inhales deeply from the mask.] Long day. Cut to... CAFETERIA J.D. and Cox face each other. Dr. Cox: Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr. Kellerman get worse. And you wanna know something? I'd do it again. He walks off. J.D. goes in the other direction. Meanwhile... Turk carries his tray over to a table where Carla and Elliot sit. Carla: [On Turk's arrival, pointedly stands] Bye, Elliot. Turk: Look, I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time. I would have agreed to anything! Carla snorts angrily at him, grabbing a fork off his tray and wielding it menacingly. Elliot: Carla, no. Carla drops the fork and grabs the milk off his tray. She does a cocky head bob and storms off. Turk: NOOO! [Slumps into his seat.] She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk. You should've just let her fork me! Elliot: I...think that's how you got into trouble in the first place! Heh, whazzup! Todd turns from the next table and meets her raised hand with his. Todd: Euphemism five! Elliot: [To Turk] His vocabulary's gotten so much better! Turk: Elliot, why are you here!? Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies. By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla The Pill? Turk: I'd-a faked it. Elliot: Guys can't fake it. Turk: Really? Does this sound familiar? "Ohh, oh, baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move!" ...Sorry. Elliot: [Reliving past trauma] Way too familiar.... === I.C.U. Dr. Cox is signing a chart for a nurse. J.D. arrives. J.D.: Hey. Dr. Cox: [Handing the chart to the nurse] Thank you. J.D.: You know what I've been doing? I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD to get pumped up to talk to you? [Hands over a Man card] Here. Dr. Cox: [Takes it] K'you. J.D.: I've been thinking about how completely ridiculous it is that you would take Mr. Kellerman's life into your hands without talking to him. Dr. Cox: Well, I did talk to him. Mr. Kellerman: He did. Dr. Cox: Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one. This way, he moves up to the top of the list, come on! J.D.: Then why didn't you tell me? Dr. Cox: Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys, and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kll a prosttute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the past couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings kll us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what kind of attending you're gonna be. J.D.: Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself. You know what? [Removes a card from his pocket, and flings it at Cox.] This is my last one -- here, take it. Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you. He storms out. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- THE NEXT DAY Turk is bonding with Rowdy. J.D.'s Narration: The next morning was not good. Carla was not talking to Turk [she glares at him from the couch], Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk [next to Carla, Elliot also glares], and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer. As he's doing this, Elliot whips around at the sound of the opening front door. Elliot: J.D.?! J.D.: ["Entering"] Morning, friends! Who's ready for some java? Carla: Are you wearing boxers? J.D.: Yes, I am, Carla! Because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers, because he likes to call me his "hnky adonis." And that's what friends do. Carla &: [Shrugging] Eh. Elliot J.D.'s Thoughts: They bought it? Are we that gay? Turk: [Pointing at the material peeking out of J.D.'s shorts] What's that? J.D.: [Pulling it out] Oh, that's my new driving sock. You can borrow. Turk: Actually, J.D.'s been living here secretly. J.D.: Turk, why!?! Turk: Because I gotta get those damn judgmental eyes off me! Carla and Elliot angrily stare at the wall. "Turk": J.D. didn't want to live here, I begged him. Carla: Is that true? Turk: I didn't say that -- J.D. can do my voice. Elliot: Hey, it's getting good! J.D.: Well, thank you! Aw, I lost it.... Carla: Ah, you three are ridiculous. She angrily stands to face them. Elliot: Hey! I'm just here to grab a ride to work. Carla: At a hospital where you don't actually work! [To Turk] And you? Turk: How am I supposed to tell you that I'm not ready to have a baby when you're so excited? Carla: [To J.D.] And you secretly moving back in here? Now, I really don't love being den-mother to you three -- [they give her a hard look] -- fine, it's like crack to me. Still, let me ask you something: Why are you three so afraid of moving on!? She goes into her room and slams the door. J.D. picks up a nearby baking pan. Turk: Dude, you're still eating those brownies! J.D.: [Taking a bite] I don't wanna get pregnant! sht. === I.C.U. Dr. Kelso watches as Mr. Kellerman is wheeled out. Dr. Kelso: So you're going to a university for a transplant! Well, come back and see us, okay! [To the ward] Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man? Dr. Cox: Well, Bobbo, I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope, and that's-- J.D.: He's my patient, Bob! I'm responsible. Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut about all the recent sexual harassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk...or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl and call him Kelso-san.... J.D.: What? Dr. Kelso: Nothing. But now I need to know: Is this the type of attending you're going to be? J.D.: I guess so. Dr. Kelso: Anything else? J.D. takes a long sip out of the coffee cup in his hands. J.D.'s Thoughts: I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm just pretending to drink to seem nonchalant... J.D.: No. He turns and heads out. J.D.'s Narration: ...But instead I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on. And I wasn't the only one. Elliot comes up next to Kelso to watch after J.D. Dr. Kelso: Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on. Elliot: Ah, the hell with it, Bob. I don't work here! [Slaps her chart into his arms.] Have a good one! She walks out. Dr. Kelso: I hate this place. Dr. Cox: [Stepping next to him] It hates you, Bob. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT We see a close-up of the bowl as Carla flushes her pills down the toilet. She joins Turk on the couch in the living room, and grabs a cookie off a nearby plate. Carla: That's it. All my birth control pills are gone. Turk: Not exactly. That fig newton you're about to eat is not only fat-free but it's baby-free! Carla: [Spits out her bite] I just don't get it, Turk. Turk: Look, we had sex twenty times in eight days, and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance. Carla: I just want a baby so badly.... Turk: Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby? Carla: Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk. Turk: Awesome! Carla: Right? And I come from a big family, and I love that. Turk: Me too! Carla: [Turns to look into the kitchen] And...every time we sit at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing. Turk: [Turns to look] I can see him.... They kiss. Behind them, J.D., in boxers and a backpack, sneaks past. Carla: J.D.! J.D.: Gotta make a quick twosie! === CAFETERIA J.D. enters to find the Janitor setting up a group of about seven cut-outs of him captured in various degrees of embarrassing poses. J.D.: This explains a lot. Janitor: Hey! Meet your volleyball team. They're terrible. Cox enters. Dr. Cox: Newbie! I heard your voice. He stops to survey the group of cut-outs in an attempt to find the real J.D. The Janitor helpfully points, and Cox zeroes in on his target. J.D.: [To Janitor, as he steps forward] Thanks for nothin', ass-face. Dr. Cox: [Presenting a card] I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it. J.D.: [Taking it] Wow. ...Wanna hug? Dr. Cox: [Taking it back and ripping it up] You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you. J.D.: I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I? Dr. Cox: [Throwing the card confetti] Anything can happen. He leaves. The Finn Brothers' "Anything Can Happen" resumes. J.D.'s Narration: And I knew he was right... Janitor: [Sneaking one of the cut-outs behind J.D.] 'Scuse me. J.D.: [Freaking and punching the cut-out] Aaaggghh! J.D.'s Narration: ...for all of us. Meanwhile... NCUMC -- NURSES' STATION Elliot approaches some co-workers, knocking a vase off the lifting countertop on her way, in true Elliot fashion. Nurse: Oh, Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today? Elliot: [Taking a seat and opening her bag] Ahhh...anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich? Meanwhile... TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM The couple lie in bed, trying to will a miracle. Turk: 'Kay, repeat after me: Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy. Carla: Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy. Turk: Boy, boy... Carla: Boy, boy... Turk: ...very tall boy. Carla: ...veeery tall boy. Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- EXTERIOR Keith exits the at*matic doors, encountering J.D. on the wheelchair ramp. J.D.: Goodnight, Keith. Hey, keep your head up, you're doing a good job. Keith: Thanks for everything, Dr. Dorian. He takes out his "TO DO LIST" and checks off that one lonely item, "find courage to talk," before boarding the shuttle bus. Taking his seat, he sees J.D. giving a friendly wave. From nowhere, a pajama-clad man rushes at J.D. Johnny: [Tackling J.D.] WHO AM I!?!?! J.D.: Aaauuugh! Fade to Black	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x01 - My Intern's Eyes"}	foreverdreaming
SACRED HEART -- SECOND FLOOR HALL J.D. casually rounds the corner and stops. J.D.'s Narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. He yawns and closes his eyes, and begins meandering down the hall. J.D.'s Narration: Two quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly.... A busy orderly bustles past. J.D.'s Narration: Hop over the dad guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.... J.D. steps over the body bag. Doug: The man's dad, J.D. Show some respect. J.D.'s Narration: And, finally, Dr. Kelso's 9 A.M. wrong shoulder tap. J.D. reaches his arm around to tap Dr. Kelso on the opposite shoulder as he strolls past. Dr. Kelso: [Turning to look] Dammit! Every morning, tapping -- no one's ever there! J.D.'s Narration: 'Course, you can't be ready for everything. A hand grabs him, and he opens his eyes to be faced with an uncharacteristically chipper Janitor. Janitor: Hey. Help me move this weekend. J.D.'s Thoughts: We scoff. [J.D. does so.] And we walk away. Follow to... NURSES' STATION Jordan and Dr. Cox walk Jack up to the desk. Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized? Jordan: Oh, what do you care? You're not even going! Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares. Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister. Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you didn't. Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come. [Laughs and turns to Carla, Turk, and J.D. behind the desk] How weird would it be if I was like that! Carla: Totally! [Laughs.] Jordan: Weird! She takes Jack down the hall. J.D.: [To Cox] When is this joyous occasion? Dr. Cox: You're not invited. J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone! That's how they're doin' it. Carla: I'm going. Dr. Cox: Newbie, gimme a break, will ya. Of course you're going. As a matter of fact, I...I'd like you to be the boy's god-father. J.D.: [Touched whisper] I...am honored. Dr. Cox: [Mocking his tone] I...am lying. He makes a smug face and goes off down the hall. Carla and Turk try to stifle their giggles. J.D.: I'm--I'm not sure I see how that's funny. He wipes a tear from his eye with his sleeve. Cut to... ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Elliot is down here with Turk, who checks his beepers. Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper? Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month? Reveal J.D. leaning on the desk. J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor. J.D.'s Thoughts: Once a month? That's crazy! Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Haley doesn't have a chance this month. [Pats her belly, to J.D.'s bewilderment.] I name my eggs -- big frick. Last month it was "Cassy." J.D.: Ooh, "Cassy"'s pretty. The conversation a little too girly, Turk wanders back to work. Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been. Cox and a blonde woman come through the front doors. Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Everyone, this is my sister, Paige. Paige, I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about. Kelso joins Elliot and J.D. at the desk. Dr. Kelso: Ahh! Here for the baptism! I remember my son Harrison's big day. All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress. Heh. Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter. [Extending his hand] Bob Kelso. Paige shakes his hand as he leaves. J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me. Paige: Noo.... J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing? Or being surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised, it's interesting to me, but okay. J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't cry in front of people. Paige: Perry and I don't talk much. J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much, everybody! There's no talking in the family. Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me -- the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small-- Paige: [Imitating her brother] -- The small being my ex-wife, Jordan, wind energy, and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors -- your name still would not have come up. Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more hhhirritating. J.D.: What does he find "he-h-irritating" about you? Dr. Cox: fre at will. Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Everyone falls silent and Perry rubs his head. J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, but I wish something would break the tension. A beeper goes off. Turk emerges from the hall, doing an excited dance. Turk: [Singing] Hallelujah! A brotha's 'bout to have some sex! Ha Ha! Hallelujah! A brotha's 'bout to have some seeeeeeex! [Steps in front of J.D. and bends over.] Smack the money-maker! Smack it. J.D. spits in his palm and smacks Turk on the rear. J.D.: That's how he likes it. Turk: [Leaving] Ahhh! Sex time, people! J.D.: [To Paige] He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air, because they're trying for a boy -- like Jesus! === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === I.C.U. -- WARD Waiting for Dr. Cox to finish with his patient, Paige passes the time by talking to J.D. Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway, and I'd always kick his ass. J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend -- Pat Casey -- he called his mom an ass once? She ht him in the face with an iron! He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore. Paige: Okay. I'm gonna go say hi to Jordan. She goes off as Cox comes back from his patient. J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister? Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the T.V. was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. Whatta you think there, Newbie? J.D.: [Thrown] Probably the "room to room" thing. Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. He begins to head out. J.D.'s Narration: It's always hard to find the right words at a moment like this. J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company. Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going. [Continues out.] J.D.: Dammit! [Under breath] Stupid baptism. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT From the open bedroom door, we see Turk excitedly enter the apartment and run in here. Turk: [Singing] I'm gonna have some sex! I'm gonna have some seeeeeeeee-[disgusted]-eeaaaggghhh! He sees Carla on the bed, less vixen than bookworm, in sweats and surrounded by open texts on the bed. Carla: [Eying a thermometer] Okay, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated, and these pillows will keep my vagina angled so that the semen can pool against my cervix. Turk: Baby, that is some god-awful dirty talk. Carla: Turk, we're making a baby. Let's get down to business. Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay -- then, and only then, can I be fully ready...to make love to you. Carla: Tyra Banks. Turk: [Hips thrusting] Uhhn. Carla: There. You're ready. She flops back on the bed. === NURSES' STATION The foreboding chants of "Koyaanisqatsi" play as Janitor circles the desk, glaring evilly at a wary J.D. The mood is broken when he steps behind a group of doctors. Janitor: Oh, hey fellas? I'm trying to give somebody evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I can...? [They nod and disperse.] You understand. Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it! Thank you. As soon as everyone's cleared, the music resumes and Janitor continues his glare until he's completely around the desk and gone. Behind J.D., Elliot and Jordan watch this quizzically. J.D.: [To the ladies] He's just mad because I won't help him move. Jordan: Well, you shoulda done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex -- you do it once and then they owe you for life. Elliot: Mm. My high school boyfriend's an accountant now, and he still does my taxes for free. Jordan: Mm-hmm. Elliot: You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's. Dr. Kelso: [Looking up from his chart] My son, Harrison, dabbles in sado-masochism and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry? At my age, it's getting harder and harder to keep track of his gimps. J.D.'s Narration: And then it occurred to me -- this was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend! Deep in thought, J.D. stares deeply into space. Cut to... I.C.U. -- HALL J.D. stands before the Janitor, staring into space briefly before committing to his decision. J.D.: I'll do it! Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable. J.D. &: No I'm not! ... Stop doing that! ... Peanut butter egg dirt! Janitor Dr. Cox passes with a chart in hand. Dr. Cox: Newbie, let's go. Mr. Donnelly's test results are in. Follow to... MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM They enter where the man's family are holding vigil around the bed. J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working. Dr. Cox: I, uh, I wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately, we're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication. Mrs. Donnelly: What are our options? Dr. Cox: I'm afraid there are no other options. Behind them, Paige enters. Paige: There's always prayer. J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no. Paige: You know, with God by your side, anything is possible. Dr. Cox: Could I speak with you in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward? He ushers her into... HALL ...and closes the door. Dr. Cox: Paige. We have protocol here. First we shake our magic 8 ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options. Paige: Oh, right -- 'cause people who believe in God are crazy! And you're the sane one! Meanwhile... MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM J.D. attracts the family's attention to the heated discussion outside. J.D.: Hey! You guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. Like, watch: "Do you want some pie?" [As Cox points at his chest] "Not me, I hate pie." [As Paige raises her hands] "What are you talking about? Who hates pie? Everyone loves pie!" [As Cox throws his hands in the air and gestures at the family] "I've always hated pie! You never understood me!" "You're a pie rcist!" "Well, you're a cobbler whore!" Mrs. Donnelly gives him a look. J.D.'s Thoughts: For God's sake, get off pie! Meanwhile... HALL Paige: Jerk! Dr. Cox: Republican. Meanwhile... MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM J.D.: [With an arm flourish] "Piiiiiie." Cut to... CAFETERIA -- LATER J.D. takes a bite of pie. Elliot and Turk are at the table with him. J.D.: Gotta find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop. Turk: [Beeper going off] Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again. J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk! He stands. Turk: J.D.! J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this! He storms off. Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that! Elliot: You can talk to me if you want? Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex -- I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. "Penis" is "schwing"-something.... Elliot: "Schwing-schwong," "peepers," or "peep." Turk: Right. And "vagina" is...? Elliot: Disgusting! But also "bajingo" or "hoo-hoo." Turk: Here's the deal: I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus. Elliot: Up-bup-bup. Mm-mm. From now on [whispers] "cervical mucus" will be referred to as "icky sticky." Turk: "Icky sticky." Elliot: Continue. She takes a sip of her coffee. === I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox is going over some paperwork as J.D. arrives with two cups of coffee, offering Cox one. J.D.: Morning, sunshine! Dr. Cox: Never say that again. J.D.: [Putting the cups down] Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today? Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try. J.D.: Mark my words -- when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there. Dr. Cox starts down the hall. J.D. joins him. Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -- God, Zero. J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face. Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix? J.D. stops. J.D.'s Narration: Actually, there was. Cut to... APARTMENT J.D. still has his cups of coffee. He offers the Janitor one. J.D.: Morning, sunshine! Janitor: I don't like that. J.D.: Nobody seems to. Janitor: Well, come on. [Hefts a cardboard box] Grab some boxes, let's get to movin', huh? J.D. takes a box and moves over to the window to start packing. J.D.'s Thoughts: I hope I can find a way to connect with him. He watches the Janitor reach for a vase on a shelf, knocking one of the others. J.D. leaps across the room and snatches the urn just before it hits the floor. Janitor: Thanks for saving that -- that's one of my favorite pieces. J.D.: [Stands and safely puts the vase in the box] You're welcome, friend! I gotta say, you got a lot of Asian art around here. Janitor: When I was a kid, I always thought I'd, uh, travel the world, you know? So after college, I went to China. Did all the normal touristy things -- I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local -- you know, just the regular stuff. Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way 'cause it reminds me of a more...optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy. J.D.: [Over sympathetic] Doesn't sound crazy at all. Janitor: [Patting J.D.'s shoulder] Thanks, man. J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I was in. === STREET Turk pulls his car to the side to check his beeping beeper. Turk: Damn! Across the street, he notices a sign: DONUTS DONUTS Day Old Donuts 50% Off After 5PM Cut to... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- LATER Turk enters the front door, where Carla stands waiting for him. Carla: I paged you an hour ago! Turk: I was in surgery. Carla: [Rubs his face] Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek? Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh? Carla: Oh, ho, ho, no. We're having sex. Get in there. Turk: Wait, baby...I'm too full. Carla: Now, Turk. Turk: Man! === APARTMENT J.D. and Janitor sit at a table, a couple beers in front of them. J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunk-mates, that counselor and his [air quotes] "friendship lotion" were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again. Janitor: Well, "what doesn't kll ya..." They clink their bottles together and sip. J.D.'s Thoughts: We're as thick as two thieves in a pod! Janitor: Okay! Time to move some of the heavier stuff, so you might want to put on these gloves. He hands some black gloves to J.D. J.D.: Ooh! Janitor: Aaaand the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it, so a little hat. He tosses a little black wool cap to J.D. J.D.: Thanks, pal! Janitor: Sure, bud! He leaves the table as J.D. dons his new gear. J.D.'s Narration: I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships.... Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM Dr. Cox and Paige enter. J.D.'s Narration: ...I don't rub things in people's faces... Dr. Cox: I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better. He is finally starting to improve. Mrs. Donnelly: Thank you so much. Dr. Cox: I was really just doing my job-- Mrs. Donnelly: Oh, I'm...talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us. Dr. Cox's face shows surprise and suppressed rage. Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Mission accomplished, Carla throws Turk off of her. Carla: Stupid jerk! She angrily gets up and leaves the room. J.D.'s Narration: ...I never go to bed very, very mad... Turk: [Satisfied] Angry sex is awesome! He smiles at the slamming door. Meanwhile... APARTMENT J.D. gingerly picks a small golden Buddha statue up off a table. J.D.'s Narration: And I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship to a difficult co-worker... An Asian couple, the Kwans, enter. Mr. Kwan: Who are you!?!? J.D.'s Narration: ...I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house. He runs. === COMMERCIALS === STREET Still carrying the Buddha statue under his arm, J.D. flees the scene of his crime, with two dogs chasing after in hot pursuit. J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a Buddha. After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion. Meanwhile... DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM Perry, in a hockey jersey, and Paige, in a nice dress, are on the sofa as Jordan brings Jack out in his baptism outfit. Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress? Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag. Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That's a trauma twofer. Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible. She puts the baby down in a chair and leaves the room. Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better? Paige: Fine. It was medicine. Dr. Cox: Aha. Paige: Thank God for creating medicine. Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh! [Stands.] That's it! That is it. [Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly.] Now you, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go. He takes Jack out the door. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM Turk stares at his reflection. The opening strains of Bryan Ferry's "slve to Love" come up. Carla: [From outside] Turk! I'm ready! Turk: [To reflection] All right. So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road. Follow to... BEDROOM Carla is stood waiting for Turk as he comes out of the bathroom. ♪ slve to love ♪ Turk: [Turning out the light] Baby, you know what I miss? When your body was kickin'. ♪ slve to love ♪ Turk: [Taking off his shirt] I ain't touchin' no damn diapers. Carla angrily grabs his shoulders and pulls him down on the bed. Turk: Aaaggh! ♪ slve to love ♪ Turk: [Breaking their kiss] Baby, all I'm saying is that in some European countries, it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress. Carla:: Why you-- He kisses her again, and she fiercely pulls him to her. Turk: Mm! Mmmhhgh. Time lapse... Carla huffs out of bed. Carla: I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said! The door slams. ♪ slve to love ♪ Turk: Worth it! === BAR J.D. is at the bar, an appletini in front of him, deep in thought. J.D.'s Thoughts: Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things. One, what my prison name would be... J.D.: Gizmo! J.D.'s Thoughts: ...and Two, whether some relationships were beyond repair. [He pulls the Buddha statue next to him closer.] Then Fate threw me another curve. Dr. Cox and Jack arrive next to him. J.D.: Hey, who's your friend? Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours? J.D. gives Jack a quick tickle, and Cox sets him on the bar. J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god. Dr. Cox: [Barely interested] Ah. J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'. Dr. Cox: [Not in the mood] Don't you touch my son. === TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM Turk, all dressed up, sits at the table with the equally fancy Elliot, who's putting the finishing touches on a small gift. Turk: Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop! Carla: [Sticking her head out the bedroom door] I'll be right out, I'm just fixing my hair. Turk: Rake's in the closet, baby! Carla glares at him and slams the door. Turk: [To Elliot] Help me! Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her. Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex. Elliot: Well, it's not. FLASHBACK* WOODS Elliot and her boyfriend are in a parked car, partially undressed. Elliot: [Playfully waving a honey bottle] Honey for my honey! She drizzles some on his chest and starts licking it off. She pauses at the sound of growling and looks up to see a giant bear just outside. Guy: Why are you stopping? Time lapse... Elliot and her boyfriend wail in fear as the bear shakes the car. *BACK TO PRESENT* Elliot: Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm is a much worse consequence of sex. Turk: You have to help me end this angry sex cycle! Carla comes out of the bedroom (her hair doesn't really look any different). Carla: I'm ready. Elliot: Oh, Carla, uh, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good. Turk looks horrified. Elliot: [Awe-inspiring gasp] The cycle is broken! Carla slaps Turk in the head. === BAR Dr. Cox and J.D. are turned to the proper chair they've put Jack in behind them. Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood? J.D.: [Stroking the kid's hair] He seems fine. Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him. J.D.: I don't whine or cry. The Janitor comes up behind him. Janitor: [Producing a collection of small cardboard squares] Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment? J.D.: [Looking at them] These are coasters. Janitor: My camera's broken. J.D.: You turned me into a felon! Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kll me if he's not there. Plus, I know you -- you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me. J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy [gestures at the Janitor], it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships. Janitor: You're welcome. J.D. stands, takes his Buddha, and picks Jack up into his arms. J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman. Dr. Cox: Meh. J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much. Dr. Cox: ...It doesn't. J.D.: Then why are you so angry? He leaves. === CHURCH J.D. shows the priest the little meeting he's set up between Buddha and the crucified Christ. J.D.: "So, do you like pie?" "Look at me, do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie. Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?" Meanwhile... Jordan (with Jack) and Paige stand in the back of the church. Jordan: I--I don't think I can do this without Perry. I mean, he's my everything. Paige: You're right. It would be weird if you were like that. Jordan: Right? Paige: Yeah. Jordan: Yeah. Meanwhile... Elliot sits between Turk and Carla in a pew. Turk: [To Carla] I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby. Carla: [To Turk] I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun. Turk: [To Carla] I can't believe you! Wha-- Calm down! & Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna kll you! Turk: [To God] You hear that? She's gonna kll me! Get her. Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around. J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light. Joseph Arthur's "In The Sun" comes up as the ceremony begins. Everyone turns to watch Jordan and Paige carry Jack up the aisle. ♪ I picture you in the sun Wondering what went wrong ♪ Fade into the women holding Jack over the font as the priest sprinkles his head with Holy Water. ♪ And fallin' down on your knees Askin' for sympathy ♪ Fade into Turk, Elliot, and Carla watching on with tenderness. ♪ And being caught in between All you wish for and all you seen ♪ Fade into the priest blessing Jack with oil. ♪ And tryin' to find anything You can feel that you can believe in ♪ Carla is visibly touched by the scene. Paige glances over to the side of the church where Perry enters. He hoists his beer with a smile and takes a sip. Paige smiles. ♪ May God's love be with you Always May God's love be with you ♪ Jordan and Paige help Jack light his baptismal candle. ♪ I know I would apologize ♪ Elliot: Isn't he beautiful? ♪ If I could see your eyes ♪ Turk: Yeah.... He is. ♪ 'Cause when you show me myself, you know I became someone else ♪ Perry watches on with emotion in his face as his sister holds Jack, who points heavenward (or cameraward -- whatever). ♪ But I was caught in between All you wish for and all you need ♪ Fade to... SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT -- LATER THAT DAY The song fades low as we come to Perry shting hoops by himself. Paige arrives as he misses his sht. Paige: Oh! Wow! Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete? Dr. Cox: That's cold, sis. It's ice cold. You know, uh, I been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much. Paige: Please, Perry, don't hold back. Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff. [Faces her seriously.] I have worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I...I can't think about anything else. Paige: It's hard for me, too. Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life. Paige: I'd love to see him turn three. Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral -- the Big Four. He tosses the ball at her. Paige: I b*at you at Horse, he has a church wedding. Dr. Cox: Done. With her back turned to the net, she tosses the ball over her head. Swish. Paige: [Grinning] That went in, didn't it. Dr. Cox: Did you thank the G-Man for that? Paige: That was all me, baby. They high-five. Dr. Cox: [Snickering] Yeah, it was. The camera pans to reveal J.D. watching from the wheelchair ramp. J.D.'s Narration: So maybe relationships can be fixed. Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking... Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Partially out of his fancy clothes, Turk looks over Carla's fertility info. Turk: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now. He goes over to her. Carla: Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help. Turk: [Grabbing her] If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito. Carla: [Grimacing] Aw, Turk, a little help. Turk: [Nods] Mm-hmm. Carla: Mm. They tumble out of frame. Meanwhile... THE KWANS' APARTMENT The couple smile at each other. J.D.'s Narration: ...or by reassuring the Kwans that their Big Guy didn't desert them. They look again at their returned Buddha, who wears a sign reading "I MISSED YOU". Fade to... SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT -- EVENING A taxi waits. J.D.'s Narration: In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step. Dr. Cox walks his sister out to the cab. Dr. Cox: By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring...sometime. Paige: March 21st. Bye, Perry. She kisses him on the cheek and climbs into her cab. Dr. Cox: Bye, Paige. [Bends down to the open window.] You know, "Paige" is a silly name. Paige: "Perry"'s worse. He rolls his eyes as the cab pulls out of the lot. He watches after it as the song fades out. Fade to Black	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x05 - My New God"}	foreverdreaming
AVENUE Tammany Hall's "To The Woman" blares. Close-up on J.D.'s helmeted, goggled face as he cruises along on his ride. J.D.'s Narration: Since my scooter was in the shop, I didn't know how I was gonna get to work today. But luckily, my neighbor, Ronald, lent me his ride. [Pull back to reveal J.D. perched on a tiny motor scooter.] Ronald's six. But I still got there in time to steal the security guard's Arts & Leisures section. He makes a hand signal and turns off the exit. Cut to... SACRED HEART PARKING LOT J.D. zooms past the security gate, nabbing the newspaper from the security guard. J.D.: Hellooooooo! The guard gives chase. J.D.'s Narration: Around here, everyone has some sort of morning ritual... Meanwhile... PATIENT'S ROOM Elliot takes a seat at the bed of an older woman, a newspaper in hand. J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's getting help on the daily word jumble from your dyslexic tracheotomy patient... Elliot: [Reading] Uh, T P I P O E. She blocks the hole in the woman's throat with a finger so she can speak. Marcia: [Gasps] "Pot pie." Elliot: Save your voice, Marcia. Mm, save it. The camera pans up a floor to... PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM Dr. Kelso brings an orderly over to an empty space on the floor. J.D.'s Narration: ...cursing out an innocent orderly over a stolen physical therapy tub... Dr. Kelso: Dammit, you better find it! Physical therapy tubs don't just disappear! The camera pans up a floor to... ROOF The Janitor is sat in a stainless steel tub. J.D.'s Narration: ...or for some, just a relaxing afternoon soak on the roof. The Todd, in a very tiny speedo, approaches him. Todd: Oh, come on, let me in. This totally covers my boys. The Janitor taps a sign taped to the side of the tub which reads "NO BANANA HAMMOCKS". Janitor: You try and get in here wearing that thing, I'm gonna give you a four-story atomic wedgie. The alarm on his watch goes off. Down below, J.D. is seen riding his tiny scooter. The Janitor stands from his tub and grabs a mirror off the ledge of the roof, reflecting the sun in J.D.'s face. J.D.: [Veering] Waaagggh! My eyes! He blindly steers into some hedges, getting thrown from his scooter in a spray of leaves. Cut to... NURSES' STATION -- A LITTLE LATER J.D. sits on the desk in the care of several nurses who finish bandaging his elbow. J.D.: Well, yeah, it hurt. But when you accept the keys to the hog, you become a lifetime member of the Danger Club. Excuse me, fine ladies...[stands and hefts his teeny bike]...I've got lives to save. He starts down the hall, joining Elliot. Elliot: [Gasps vaguely] Ronald's gonna be mad! J.D.: Well, he's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass? J.D.'s Thoughts: Again.... He dumps the bike in a nearby trash can. Elliot: [Handing her chart to him] Hey, check this chart out -- this guy says he's been in pain for like three months. J.D.'s Narration: For doctors, pain is complicated. Every patient handles it differently depending on their race... Flash to... EXAM ROOM An Asian Benihana-type chef sits with a large Knfe sticking out of his bloody shoulder. Chef: Does what hurt? Flash to... BIRTHING ROOM A man stands holding the hand of his laboring wife. J.D.'s Narration: ...gender... Husband: Ow! I just bit the inside of my lip! Ahh! Nothing has ever hurt so badly! His wife glares at him. Flash to... ANOTHER EXAM ROOM A black-leather-clad guy sits on the table as the doctor prods the fish-hook threaded through the guy's cheek. J.D.'s Narration: ...or even their sex life.... Freak: Ohhhh! Yeah...that feels good! Flash to... PATIENT'S ROOM J.D. and Elliot enter, standing at the foot of the bed. J.D.'s Narration: And since there's no way to truly gauge how much pain someone's in, we have to rely on an archaic chart. Elliot: [Scrutinizing the chart] Mr. Peele, you're about a...7 on the pain chart. She holds the chart up, matching the screwed-up little doodle face to the patient's actual pained expression. Elliot: Yep. You're a 7. Mr. Peele: What's a 10? Outside the window, a screaming Todd is lowered by the stretched back of his speedo. Looks like Janitor made good on his thrat. Todd: Aaaaaaagggghhhh! AAAAAGGGGHHH! Aaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! AAAGGGHHH! AaaaaAAAAAAggggghhhhh! Aaaagggghhhh! J.D.: That's a 10. Todd: ...Aaaaagggghhhhh...! === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION J.D. walks past, slowing at the sight of a basket on the desk. J.D.'s Narration: After four years here, I'm finally comfortable helping myself to the nurses' muffin basket. Kicky swing music blares as J.D. frantically grabs a bite of each muffin. J.D.'s Thoughts: [Continuing on] Mmmmm! Blueberry-cran-carrot-zucchini-poppyseed-chocolate chip! J.D.: All right, everybody! [His interns in the ward turn to look.] Last one here [draws an imaginary line on the floor with his foot] has to do a double shift this weekend! They all run and dive to reach their hands to the line. It's close. J.D.: Keith, you just lost your weekend! They all stand up. Keith: What!? I totally bat Lisa! J.D.: Lisa, call that androgynous husband of yours and tell him or her you're mine this weekend. Lisa: But I feel like I edged out James. J.D.: Okay, my ba--I guess we're not crystal clear on the ground rules. Okay, tomorrow it'll be the last one to touch my face -- no, I'm not gonna like that. The last one to touch my bott-- no, that's probably illegal. I'll tell you what, I'll just e-mail everyone. [Claps] That's what I'll do; in this day and age, that's what you do. [Leads them to a bed] Okay, over here, guys, Mr. Jenkins spent all night without being treated. Now, I know he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie -- Mr. Jenkins: Heeey. J.D.: Sorry, thought you were dozing. The thing is, guys, it doesn't matter if he's a homeless guy or [goes over to the next bed] some senile old rcist -- Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate, again? J.D.: Immigrants, Mr. Bursick, you hate all immigrants. Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate-- J.D.: I don't have time, Mr. Bursick! [Goes over to the interns] Guys, if I give you a patient, I expect you to work your butts off for him. And P.S.? Mr. Jenkins is a Vietnam vet. Let's take care of him...like he took care of our nation. [They stare at him.] Get outta here! They leave, revealing Dr. Cox going over a chart nearby. J.D.: That's how you light a fre under their butts, Perry! You get 'em going with some inspiration! Dr. Cox: Too much! talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much...talking. Why did you order a B.M.P. test on my patient, Mrs. Wilk, last night? J.D.: Because she's my patient. Dr. Cox: Interesting, seeing as I admitted her. J.D.: And I treated her last night. Mr. Bursick: Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all-- J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bursick! Stealing all of our jobs.... Perry, we spent an equal amount of time with Mrs. Wilk. Now seeing as we're both attendings -- i.e. [air quotes] equals -- why don't we let her decide who her doctor is, huh? Dr. Cox: Or...we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals -- we are in fact not equals. We are -- hmmm! -- unequals. Cut to... MRS. WILK'S ROOM The middle-aged woman is lying in her bed. Mrs. Wilk: I choose Dr. Dorian. J.D.: [Overjoyed] Oh my God. Oh my God! I don't even believe it! I don't believe it! I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! I'm shaking. Look at this! It's crazy talk! Mrs. Wilk: He played Hearts with me all night. Dr. Cox grumbles and leaves. Mrs. Wilk: [To J.D.] You're a very strange young man, aren't you. J.D.: I was a preemie. === MR. PEELE'S ROOM The man's wife stands over his bed, comforting him in his pain as Elliot enters. Elliot: Mr. Peele, I have run every test, and I cannot find any medical reason for your pain. Mr. Peele: [Pained] Guhhhhhh! J.D.'s Narration: Then Elliot did what every good doctor does when they're truly stumped. She pawned him off. Elliot: I've called a surgical consult. Mr. Peele: [Pained] Nnnneeegh? Turk comes in. Turk: Help has arrived! Help has arrived. Elliot: Ah! Turkleton! She passes the chart to Turk and leaves. J.D.'s Narration: And then Turk said what every surgeon says when he's not sure what to do. Turk: [Looks over the chart] Hm. Mind if I slice you open? Mr. Peele: [Pained] AAAAAGGGHHH! Turk: [Startled] Aaagh! Uncool! === NURSES' STATION Carla looks over the station full of staffers. Carla: 'Kay, listen up, everyone! I'm sure you all got the flier I made reminding everyone of the annual staff picture! [Holds it up.] I need to know by a show of hands how many of you aren't going to be able to make it? They all raise their hands. Carla: [Whining] Oh, come on! Aren't you guys embarrassed by our last three staff pictures? She gestures to the framed photos on the wall. 2002 featured Carla, Laverne, Todd posing in a speedo, and two other staffers. 2003 featured a slightly disappointed Carla, Laverne, Todd posing in a speedo, and one other staffer. 2004 just had a very disappointed Carla...and Todd posing in a speedo. Carla: Laverne. [Nurse Roberts comes close.] I'm gonna need a little bit of your church enthusiasm to help sell this? Nurse Roberts nods, and they stand on their chairs. Carla: Dammit, everyone! [They look.] We are a family! Nurse Roberts: A family, people-uh! Carla: And I know we love each other. Nurse Roberts: Love's all we got-uh! Carla: So can't we just take ten minutes from our day to take a real staff photo? Nurse Roberts: [Grabs a tambourine and starts singing] Yes, we can! Ha! Yes, we can! Turk and Elliot start to dig it. Carla: The tambourine's a little much, Laverne. Elliot: Carla, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey. She walks out, passing a doctor who also looks a lot like Gary Busey ('cause, well, he's played by Gary Busey). Gary Busey Doc: They say the same thing about me. He chuckles to himself and walks off in the other direction, passing Turk. Turk: See you later, Elliot. Dr. Cox: [Putting his arm around Kelso's shoulder] I am gonna let Big Bob, here, give the first excuse. Dr. Kelso: Blah blah blah, I'm not doing it. He walks off, Cox follows along behind. Dr. Cox: I'm caught on his collar! Carla: This picture is happening! The Janitor mops over near her. Janitor: No, it's not. Carla: Oh, what do you know, mop jock? Janitor: A pretty good couple things over the years: The kitchen fre of '97. The kitchen fre of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the fry-cook. And, of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's Convicts-to-Cooks program. Bottom line -- not gonna happen. He mops off. Behind him, Turk has found Laverne's tambourine. Turk: [Banging the tambourine and singing] Not gonna happen! No, not gonna happen! Ha ha! Not gonna happ-- [Stops at Carla's pissed look] By the way, I, uh...I won't be at the picture, either. He runs off. Carla: [Evil growl, kinda like Eartha Kitt] You'll be there. You'll all be there. NURSES' STATION -- PATIENT SIDE J.D. slides along the desk, stopping next to Dr. Cox. J.D.: Helloooooo! If you're wondering what a "thank you for being my doctor" card from Mrs. Wilk looks like, it looks a little something like this. Dr. Cox: [Reading the card J.D. holds in front of him] "Happy Anniversary, Gals"? J.D.: Oops. This one's actually for my aunt Judy and her lady friend. Must've grabbed the wrong card. Dr. Cox: [Flicking his hand, walking off] Ah, Newbie.... J.D.: [Chasing after] Ohh, right -- your imaginary warning light. Don't be mad, Perry -- this day was bound to come. See, I've studied you. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities and I've combined them into something even better. Much the way that iced tea and lemonade were joined to become an "Arnold Palmer." Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous? I mean, "Yay for me -- I mixed two drinks together!" Dr. Cox: Arnold Palmer is a golfer. J.D.: I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul. [Walks off, his face in his card] "Dear..." Follow to... MRS. WILK'S ROOM J.D. enters, the exiting nurse passing him the woman's chart. J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, even the best of moods can be ruined simply by somebody handing you a chart. She raises her brow to him, waiting for the news. J.D.: Do you have any family, Mrs. Wilk? Mrs. Wilk: No. I was married twice. Divorced one, the other one died. Wrong one died. J.D.: [Sits on her bed.] Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called systemic amyloidosis. Now, it's in your liver now, but it'll eventually shut down all your organs. There's a treatment, but it's very invasive, and at best it'll just give you a little more time. Mrs. Wilk: [Thinks] Well, I've had a great life, so-- J.D.: Say no more. I'm gonna take amazing care of you. Mrs. Wilk: Okay. === HALL J.D. and Turk walk through. Turk: How's it going today, buddy? J.D.: Pretty crappy. I just had to tell an old lady she's dying. How about you? Turk: Okay. Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me -- I have no idea what's wrong with him, so I have to do exploratory surgery. J.D.'s Narration: I always wondered what exploratory surgery was like. FANTASY* O.R. Turk is in surgery, assisted by a couple nurses. Turk: I've made the first incision. I'm going in. He dives, head-first, into the patient's open cavity. Inside a blood-red cavern, Turk drops in. Turk: [Shouting upward] Nurse! Hat! His Indiana Jones-style fedora is passed down, and he dons it, starting off. Turk: Colon? Why'd it have to be the colon? He climbs a slope to an isolated pedestal, upon which sits a fist-sized golden rock. Turk: Removing the golden tumor. Armed with his bag of sand, he shakes the nerves out of his fingers and quickly makes the switch. Success! No! The natives are angry! The trap has been tripped! Arrows start flying! The cavern shudders! Indiana Turk runs through! Outside, Turk sticks his head out through the incision. Turk: Ladies.... Poison darts all over them, the nurses fall over, dad. Turk: They knew the risks. BACK TO REALITY* WHEELCHAIR RAMP J.D. and Turk exit the hospital. J.D.: Watch out for colon darts. Turk: [Looking around] Where's the doughnut truck? I got paged there was a doughnut truck out here? Elliot emerges from the confused mob of doctors already out here. Elliot: I got paged that there was a handbag sample sale! Todd steps out of the group. Todd: Where's the booby-touching booth? J.D.: It's weird. It was like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world. Dr. Cox: [Rushing up to J.D., pager in hand] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked! Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone! Look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter! With a simultaneous "hoooog!" they all flee. From the top of the ladder, Carla views the mayhem. Carla: NOBODY MOVE! Laverne! Door! Nurse Roberts: [Holding them back with a broom] Nobody's gettin' past here, baby! Time Lapse... Everyone's gathered on the bleachers for their picture, Carla proudly holding up the 2005 sign. Carla: Okay, everybody -- one, two, three! Meanwhile, up on the roof, Janitor has his J.D.-blinding mirror. Janitor: ...And three. As the picture is snapped, he reflects the sunlight into the lens. === MRS. WILK'S ROOM J.D. enters, finding Dr. Cox next to the woman's bed. J.D.: What are you doing here? Dr. Cox: Mrs. Wilk was asking me some questions that I actually thought would be best answered by you. Mrs. Wilk: Why did that sweaty attorney ask me if my affairs were in order? J.D.: Because I wanted to make sure that you're as comfortable as possible. Mrs. Wilk: As comfortable as possible? For what? Dr. Cox: [Takes a seat, grinning with anticipation] I'm going to sit for this. J.D.: For the place that you're going. You know, the big puffy clouds...the bright lights...all your old friends...? Mrs. Wilk: Seattle? J.D.: No, no no no -- not--not Seattle, the...you know, the dying...peacefully...place. Mrs. Wilk: What are you talking about? Dr. Cox: [Giddy] Now, I'm going to stand! [Does so.] J.D.: This morning you told me that you had a great life. Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it! Dr. Cox "sympathetically" comes over and puts his arm around J.D. J.D.: Oh, this is just a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry. Tell her there's a misunderstanding, then. Dr. Cox: He's tried to kll before. J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, the words "I'm sorry" can mean a lot of different things. Mrs. Wilk lowers her eyes in disappointment. Fade to... MR. PEELE'S ROOM The man raises his lowered eyes to Turk, who comes in with the chart. Turk: So, the surgery went fine. Unfortunately, I didn't find any medical reason for your pain. J.D.'s Narration: It can mean "I'm giving up on you"... Turk: Sorry. Fade to... NURSES' STATION Carla looks at her ruined photo, all white from lack of contrast. J.D.'s Narration: It can mean you're not sorry at all... The Janitor comes up behind her with his mirror. Janitor: Sorry your picture didn't come out. He hides the mirror as she turns. Carla: Yeah. As she wanders off, he pulls the mirror out to peer into the room behind him: MRS. WILK'S ROOM J.D. and Cox stand at the woman's bed. J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, "I'm sorry" can mean "your services are no longer needed." Mrs. Wilk: I'm sorry, Dr. Dorian. Dr. Cox: [Ushering J.D. out] So, you gave her the old death sentence, did ya. In the business, we call that a rookie mistake. But thanks for playin'. He slams the door in J.D.'s face. === COMMERCIALS === NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso stands over a large fruit basket, where every piece of fruit is missing a bite out of it. Dr. Kelso: Who the hell's responsible for this? He walks off, behind J.D. who stands frozen with his mouth full of fruit. J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, not even my giant mouthful of apple-pear-orange-banana-cherry-berry could lift my depression about losing my patient to Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox approaches him. Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope. J.D.: [Swallows hard.] What? Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times -- I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth. J.D.: [Handing the stethoscope over] I find this highly unprofessional. Dr. Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your wr hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning. He bumps J.D. in the shoulder on his way past. J.D. turns to look wistfully towards Mrs. Wilk's room. J.D.: Gotta get Mrs. Wilk back. [She aims a remote at the window, and her shades snap shut.] Who gave her a shade remote? I didn't even know we had shade remotes! === NURSES' STATION -- HALL SIDE Carla sits behind the desk, looking at her ruined picture. The Janitor approaches. Janitor: Aww, either your picture didn't come out, or we got a hospital full of vampire doctors. J.D. passes. J.D.'s Thoughts: Vampire doctors? How did he hear about my screenplay? Carla: [Standing] I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you. Janitor: How? Carla: Because it's always you. Janitor: It's not always me! Behind him, Kelso shakily rolls past, arms flailing. Dr. Kelso: Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhwhoooooooaaaaahaaaaauuuuuugh! There's a loud clash and clatter down the hall, and Kelso is revealed to have fallen in a heap on top of a staffer. Dr. Kelso: Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes!? Yep, four little white wheels on each of his wingtips. Janitor: [To Carla] Well, that's his fault -- he took a nap in the lounge. Carla: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there! Janitor: Imagine that. I been working here thirteen years, and I guess I don't rate as part of the family. Carla: Did you want to be in the picture? Janitor: No! It's just--I--it's...I gotta go. He walks off. Once he's cleared, Kelso competently rolls past in the other direction. Dr. Kelso: I actually love these. === PATIENT'S ROOM J.D. and Keith enter. J.D.: [Reading a chart] Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine. He passes the chart off to Keith, and we get a look at the hot woman in the bed. J.D.: But I'd like to take one more sample...just for me. Intense music plays as J.D. pulls his lips back to reveal his fangs, and moves in to the woman's neck. She writhes and moans as he sucks. Keith produces a vial which J.D. spits the blood into. J.D.: You know, you taste a little anemic. [To Keith] Get that down to the lab, buddy. Keith: [Leaving] Right away, Dr. Acula. J.D.: That's what they call me. How you doin'? *BACK TO REALITY* CAFETERIA J.D., at a table across from the enthralled Turk and Elliot, closes his script. J.D.: The end. Turk: So Dr. Acula is a doctor and a vampire? J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it outta there, squish it together -- it'll say "Dracula"! (They bother to demonstrate this with an on-screen text graphic as he explains.) Turk: That is an awesome ending! J.D.: Um, thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk. He smugly stands and leaves, clutching his precious script. He does a little spin before exiting, going right past Mr. Peele's wife, who talks to a staffer. Elliot: Frick! It's Mrs. Peele! One of us has to talk to her! The woman starts heading towards them. Turk: All right, the first one to chug their slushy is off the hook. Come on! Here we go! He pulls the lid off his cup and takes a big gulp. Turk: Aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh! Brain freeze! Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged? Elliot: Look, Mrs. Peele, we really cannot-- Turk: [Rubbing his head] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! Elliot: [Jabbing him] Turk, come on! Turk: [Rubbing his head] It's so cold! Elliot: Mrs. Peele, even though Dr. Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry-flavored beverage, he is a fantastic surgeon -- Turk: [Still pained, but gives a thumb's up] Uh-huh. Elliot: -- and he didn't find anything. And I am a great doctor -- Turk: [Waves his hand vaguely] Ehhh. Elliot: -- and I didn't, either. Don't you think that...maybe the pain could all be in his head? Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were all watching T.V., and he was in too much pain to get up and use the bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that? Turk: [Now recovered] Maybe there was a really good game on television? Mrs. Peele sh*t him a look. Elliot: Probably not. === HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- BENCH J.D. sits reading over his "Dr. Acula" script. Up on the hospital roof, the Janitor positions a magnifying glass. From the intense sunlight being cast on it, J.D.'s script catches fre. J.D.: [Tossing it away] Agh! My screenplay! Dr. Kelso rolls over, a pipe in hand. He takes a seat next to J.D. on the bench. Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport! He bends down towards the ground, and comes up with his pipe a-smoking. J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page! Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe. J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die." Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian? J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject. J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya. Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.... J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back! J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir. Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old? J.D.: Jambalaya.... Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts. J.D.: Really? Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty -- J.D.: Who? Dr. Kelso: -- but lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost. J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir? Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah. J.D.: [Under breath] Okay.... Dr. Kelso: The point is, you think Mrs. Wilk is old enough to die. I'm betting she doesn't agree. === CAFETERIA Carla arrives with her tray at a table where J.D., Elliot, and Turk are already seated with their food. Carla: How'm I supposed to know the Janitor has feelings? Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason. J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet. Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you. J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes when you're feeling guilty, it's like a storm cloud over your head. *FANTASY* The atmosphere of the cafeteria clouds over, and at a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning, a small rainstorm pours over the table. J.D.'s Narration: I knew there was only one way to make the guilt storm go away. Cut to... I.C.U. The rain continues to pour over J.D. J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I'm sorry. He heads towards her open door, where he's instantly bathed in warm, dry, forgiving sunlight. Dog-like, he shakes his dripping hair. *BACK TO REALITY* MRS. WILK'S ROOM J.D. stands in front of the woman, eyes closed and tossing his dry hair. J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid...you know...the place where...you know, there's clouds...and the...Space Needle.... Seattle. Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you. J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal. Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am? J.D.: Jambalaya! J.D.'s Narration: There are a lot of ways to make amends.... Meanwhile... I.C.U. -- HALL Carla approaches the Janitor. Josh Radin's "These Photographs" comes up. J.D.'s Narration: It can be as simple as including someone... Carla: Hey. I want you to be in the picture. He looks from one side to another, then unceremoniously drops his mop and grabs her about the waist, lifting her up and shaking her in an awkward bear hug. She whimpers uncertainly, and finally there's the sound of cracking vertebrae. He sets her back down. Carla: [Smiling] I thought you were trying to kll me. Janitor: I fought the urge. Carla: Okay.... Janitor: Thanks. Meanwhile... MR. PEELE'S ROOM The man's wife helps him dress as Turk and Elliot come in. J.D.'s Narration: ...or as complicated as committing to a difficult journey. Turk: Mr. Peele. We believe your pain's real. Elliot: And you're not going anywhere until we figure it out. Mrs. Peele: Thank you. Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS J.D. stands talking to a waiting woman. J.D.'s Narration: The important thing is to regain the respect of your peers. Dr. Cox approaches him. They start down the hall together. Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie. I, uh, I gotta hand it to ya -- it took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that. J.D.: Thank you. Dr. Cox: Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with. Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just...never do it. J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right? Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much. J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the wr veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do? Dr. Cox starts flashing his "warning light." J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right? Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass. J.D. chuckles. They come out the emergency exit and down the wheelchair ramp, to the bleachers where it looks like all of Sacred Heart are gathered for their picture. At the center, Janitor stands next to Carla, tidying his three-piece suit. Carla: How did you get all these people to come down here? Janitor: Fear. Carla: Okay, everybody! One! Two! Three! She proudly holds up her 2005 sign and they all cheer as the picture is taken. Fade to Black	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x06 - My Missed Perception"}	foreverdreaming
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM As rain splatters against the window, we open on an ambient iPod system with "TOTO" in the display. The band's song "Africa" fills the air. We slowly pan across the pastel, candlelit room. J.D.'s Narration: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles...pink robes...bath salts.... It. Was. Awesome! [Reveal J.D. lounging in a bubble bath with a pink towel wrapped around his head.] My first day off in weeks. Only one thing could make it better -- cranking up the Toto. He grabs the remote resting on the edge of the tub and makes the adjustment, totally throwing himself into the song. J.D.: [Singing] I bless the rains down in Africa! Ah buh buh-buh buh buhhhh! [Picks a tin off the edge of the tub and reads it] "Mango body butter"? [Opens the tin and takes a sniff.] Hmmmmm! He scoops a bit of the goop out of the tin and tastes it. Just then, his beeper goes off. Cut to... SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT J.D. drives his scooter across the wet asphalt. J.D.'s Thoughts: Even though it sucks being paged by an intern, there's nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain. And here comes a big'un! He braces to ride across the wide puddle, which he falls into with a splash, completely disappearing. A few feet away is a similar puddle, which J.D. sputters out of. J.D.: Where was I!?!? Cut to... HALLWAY The still dripping J.D. comes in and confronts the Janitor. J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.... Janitor: Was his name Julian? J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries. Janitor: That's Julian. [J.D. sort of nods as Janitor bends down to the lines on the floor] Watch it -- wet paint. Kelso's startin' a new line system to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smoker's lounge; blue, the I.C.U.; yellow to all the exits. J.D.: What's red for? Janitor: Sneaker painting. He aims his airbrush at J.D.'s shoes and covers them with paint. Cut to... I.C.U. -- WARD J.D. enters in his new ruby shoes, approaching Keith at a patient's bed. J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith? Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin? J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me? Dr. Cox grinnily comes up behind him. Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song. He draws back the privacy curtain to reveal a twelve person choir in fancy gold robes, led by Nurse Roberts. They sing and clap in time: Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Mmmmm-mmm! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Dr. Cox raises a hand and bops to the music. Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Ohhhh! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Heeeeey! J.D. sh*t a look at Keith, who's also digging it. Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Ohhhhhhhhh....ooooooooooooooooooooh! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] It's just the beginning. But it's payback! Ah, it's payback! Ohhh! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Payback! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Payback! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Oh, Lord! Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch! === OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS === FIRST FLOOR HALL / ADMISSIONS J.D. sneaks through and hides behind the doorway to survey the admissions area. J.D.'s Thoughts: I gotta get back home before anyone asks me to do stuff. [Spots a large man] FAT GUY! Go! Go! Go! Move out! Move out! He follows along hiding behind the man to get out the front door. J.D.'s Thoughts: Thank you, fast food industry. As soon as he's out the door, Dr. Kelso arrives and ushers him back in, leading him back down the hall. Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month. J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here. Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just rcist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch. He whacks the binder he's carrying into J.D.'s arms. === NURSES' STATION Carla and Turk watch a young couple in the hall interact with their baby. Carla: Aww, that's gonna be us someday. Turk: How does that not make you nervous!? I mean, what if our kid's out of control? Like, I was watching 'Webster' last night, right? And Webster got all into the pancake mix. And baby, I mean all into the pancake mix! Behind him, J.D. looks up from his typing work. Carla: Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom! Turk and J.D. gasp with offense. Carla: I mean, that's a sitcom. Turk: What if the second our baby's born, I start screwing things up? J.D. looks off. *FANTASY* SACRED HEART NURSERY In a room full of basinettes, Turk stands over the one in the corner of the room. Turk: [Cooing] Oh, my God. Hey, little dawg! Ohh, I can't believe it! He picks the baby up into his arms and turns, knocking the basinette over, which in turn knocks all the others over, domino-style. The babies wail. *BACK TO REALITY* Jordan arrives, carrying Jack in her arms. Jordan: Okay, either the heat in my office is broken, or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giulliani again. Turk: Haha! He's not even sexy! Right, baby? Carla: [Eyes closed, biting her finger] Aye, Rudy, don't stop.... Turk: Baby! Carla: Huh? Jack snickers. (But probably not at Turk and Carla. The joke wasn't that funny.) Jordan: Relax! She's only fantasizing 'cause you don't satisfy her! Anyhoo, can someone take Jack for a minute? Carla: No problem! She rushes over to take Jack from Jordan. Jordan: Thank you. Carla: [Under breath to Jack] Aw, come on. [To Turk] See, Turk, I'm great with kids! And I promise, you don't even have to check in as a parent until you have to teach our son about sports. Turk: And satisfying women. 'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right, baby? Carla: [Preoccupied with Jack] I'm sure you can. Turk: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! He goes off back to work. J.D.: [Striking the keyboard dramatically] Done! And I am outta here! [His beeper goes off, he looks at it.] Dammit! Cut to... I.C.U. -- WARD Keith is standing frozen at the foot of a patient's bed as J.D. arrives. J.D.: Keith, you've got to stop paging me for totally unimportant things! [Noticing the patient] Ohhhhh! That man's chest cavity is completely open! I can see his heart beating! Keith: He sneezed and all his surgical staples popped out! J.D.: Good page, Keith. Good page! He pushes Keith towards the man so they can fix the problem. Behind them, Elliot leads her interns through. Elliot: Okay, rocktors -- heh, that's my name for doctors who rock [does "devil horns"] -- next patient! J.D.'s Narration: Ever since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert. Male Intern: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously? Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, heh, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome. Dr. Cox: [Forcing his way into the group] Hate to burst your bubble, there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert. Elliot: Oh, really? Because you never went to ass-face school, but you seem to be an expert at that! [Holds up a hand] Am I right? J.D.: [Runs up to give her the five] Here's some! Elliot giggles. Dr. Cox: You're going to high-five that? Bi-hig mistake. He storms off. J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving! I gotta stop doing that! Elliot: [Detecting his breath] Did you...eat my mango body butter? J.D.: No! J.D.'s Thoughts: [Licking his lips] I shmeared it on a bagel. === DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Turk pokes his head in the open door, hardly drawing Kelso's attention from his paperwork. Turk: Dr. Kelso! 'Sup. [Enters and stands in front of the desk.] Look, I just heard that we're doing our first ever in-house heart transplant. Now, I know you'll be objective in choosing which surgical resident gets to assist. But! I also thought you might enjoy this commemorative Dr. Kelso bobble head. [Pulls it from behind his back] Huh?! Dr. Kelso: [Grinning like a kid] Ahh, bobble heads! [Turk sets it on the desk.] You always think you're gonna get bored with 'em, but you never do. [Flicking the head of the toy and jiggling his face along with] Bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bob-- Turk: Sir! Dr. Kelso: Eh? Oh! Turkleton, you're still here! Did you honestly think you'd be the only surgeon to walk in here and try to bribe me? He gestures to the back of the room, and Turk turns to see the whole wall lined with smiling, waving green-scrubbed doctors, each holding a token gift of some kind -- boxes, baskets, jewelry cases, event tickets, and Todd with a blow-up doll. Todd: Inflatable five! [Fives the doll and snaps.] Dr. Kelso: [Standing with a chart] None of you will be assisting on anything, because we still don't have a donor heart. Last night, Mr. Bolger here was declared brain-dad. We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart. Whichever one of you Benihana rejects pulls this off gets the operation. They all stare at him. Dr. Kelso: Go! They scatter. === I.C.U. WARD J.D. is busily working on his patient as Ted steps up next to him. Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now. J.D.: Ted! [Holds up his blood-covered hands] I'm a little busy, okay? Toodles! Ted sulks off and J.D. goes back to work. Elliot and one of her interns walk in. Female Intern: Dr. Reid, what are the possible cardiac complications to thyrotoxicosis? Elliot: [Coughs] Hm! Um, hold on, I just have to blow my nose.... She walks over to the bedside table and picks up the tissue box. J.D.'s Narration: Even though I was happy for Elliot, the endocrinology expert, I still couldn't figure out how she knew so damn much. As Elliot frantically skims the medical text pasted to the bottom of the tissue box, the blind in the observation window in front of her raises, revealing Ted and his band inside, practicing one of their new songs. Ted: [Singing] Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night lookin' for the fight of her life... Elliot: [Slapping the box down] Ahem. Uh, to answer your question, thyrotoxicosis can manifest with incessant tachycardia leading to a cardiomyopathy. She dantilly dabs her nose with the tissue. As the band continues singing, the scene goes into montage mode, interspersed with cuts of the band. Ted: [Singing] ...locking rhythm with the bat of her heart, changing music into light... HALL Elliot excuses herself from an intern to duck into a supply closet, where she knocks over some supplies on a shelf to peer at a text-book propped in the back. Ted: [Singing] ...she has danced into the danger zone, when the dancer becomes the dance. It can cut you like a Knfe, if the gift becomes the fre, on a wire between will and what will be! I.C.U. Elliot nonchalantly nods at a passing coworker then frantically tilts the slats on the observation window blinds to reveal anatomical resource sheets printed on them. Ted: [Dumping a water pitcher over his head, singing] ...She's a maniac! Maniac on the floor! And she's dancin' like she's never danced before! WARD Elliot skims some text pasted in the bottom of a spare bedpan. The band fades out as Elliot turns to a bed where Dr. Cox has several interns gathered. Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gallstones. Elliot: [Bangs the bedpan] Wrong-o, Perry! Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type 1 familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his achilles tendon! She reveals the patient's leg with a flourish. Interns: Ooooooh! Dr. Cox: Interns! Flee! Now! [They do so, and he turns to Elliot.] Now there is just no way you could have known that off the top of that straw-covered scarecrow head of yours! Elliot: Ah! Hold on! I need to take a quick mental picture of your total humiliation! [Pantomimes using a camera, clicking teeth.] Got it. Dr. Cox: There--there are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why -- and I'm not complaining -- women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds it makes them do this: [Grabs at his tee-shirt, as if hiking it up over imaginary breasts] Get back in there! [He starts heading out the door] But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out -- and soon -- is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky. He finally leaves, with Elliot smugly enjoying her moment. === HALL / NURSES' STATION Carla walks through with a pile of charts in one arm and a fussing Jack in the other. Carla: Excuse me, can anybody else watch this kid for a second? She stops briefly at the Nurses' Station, which is completely deserted. Carla: Ohh! She continues on. As soon as she's cleared, everyone, including Turk and Nurse Roberts, pop back up from their hiding places. Turk: She'll be all right. I wonder what's taking Jordan so long? Meanwhile... JORDAN'S OFFICE Jordan pops into frame, looking wilted and miserable. Jordan: Oh my God! It's like a hundred and thirty degrees in here! [Grabs at the thermostat control, which rips off the wall] Ah! I have got to get out of here! She heads for the door, pulling the handle right off. She turns, her lips swollen to three times their usual size. Jordan: [Sighs] Hmmmmm! I think the silicone in my lips is expanding! [Groans.] Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Turk: Anyway, I gotta talk to the Bolger family about getting their son's heart, but I can't find 'em anywhere. Nurse Roberts: Oh, they're in the doctors' lounge. Turk: Oh my God, Laverne, I love you! Listen, if any other surgeon asks about them, you send them someplace else -- the cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care! I'm goin' to get my heart! He leaps over the desk and heads towards his goal. Cut to... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Turk faces Mr. and Mrs. Bolger. Mr. Bolger: We're just not sure, Dr. Turk. J.D.'s Narration: When a career-making opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses. Turk: You know, I've donated an organ. J.D.'s Narration: They can lie. Turk: See, my buddy? He was--he was sick. And so I gave him one of my kidneys. Mr. Bolger: But my son has only one heart. Turk: But, uh...a short time after that...I donated my other kidney. Mr. Bolger: We're gonna check on our son. They leave the room. Turk sighs to himself. === HALL J.D. cautiously glances over his shoulder as he follows one of the freshly-painted yellow lines to the exit. J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, the coast is clear. Just a few more steps and you're outta here. Jack can be heard crying as Carla whips around the nearby desk and approaches J.D. Carla: J.D.! I need to talk to someone. [Pushes Jack into the arms of the nearby Janitor] Here. Take him. Janitor: What? Carla: Yep. J.D.: [As Carla grabs him] But I'm not even, um-- Carla: No, come on. Janitor: Hey, wait! No! === CAFETERIA Dr. Kelso approaches the table Elliot shares with a couple of her interns. Dr. Kelso: Eh, Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight, and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking. Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? [To the interns] Heh. Yeah. Dr. Kelso: No, uh, his depression finally got the best of him, and he hung himself. Elliot stares, speechless. Dr. Kelso: Anyhoo! We need a speaker, and Dr. Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q&A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six. He leaves. Dr. Cox: [Piping up from a nearby table] And, Barbie, say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my labcoat. It's super warm, because I lined it with these... [Stands and opens his coat, revealing a bunch of medical resource sheets.] Ta-daaa! Elliot: [Horrified] Um.... === HALL J.D. and Carla walk through. Carla: J.D., I have to admit this to somebody: I don't like kids! J.D.: What are you talking about? You're the most maternal person I know. Carla: Well, I'm a nurse, J.D. I'm trained to fake it! I just don't see what's so adorable; I mean, "Yay! You made a poopy in the potty!" I'm supposed to be impressed? There's a monkey at the zoo who can do that. I mean, you know, when he's not playing with himself. J.D.: Well, if you don't wanna have a baby, Carla, don't have a baby. Carla: But, J.D., I wanna have a child with Turk more than anything in the world. I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl -- that's how we roll. What am I gonna do? I'm supposed to be the brave one! An elevator arrives as they pass, and Turk steps out, joining them in step. Turk: Dude, you gotta help me out. Carla surreptitiously gives J.D. the "shh" gesture. J.D.'s Narration: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where peoples' hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary. They pass the Nurses' Station where Elliot pulls an info sheet out of the paper towel dispenser and joins them in step, immersed in her literature. The hummed strains of "We're Off to See the Wizard" are heard. J.D.'s Narration: [Focus on Elliot] Whether they're looking for brains... [focus on Turk] a heart... [focus on Carla] or courage. They pass the open door where Ted and his band practice the tune. Narration: As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line...and hope I'd eventually get back home. Ahead of them, the yellow line takes on the magical appearance of a yellow brick road. The gng together head out the door. === COMMERCIALS === SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. Nurse Roberts and Todd walk through. Nurse Roberts: So, how was the zoo? Todd: It was awesome! They had lions and tigers and bears-- [spots a hot cheerleader holding an icepack] oh, my! Hey there! Nearby, J.D. and Turk stare into the Bolger room, where the man stands over his unconscious son. Turk: Dude, it was awful. I couldn't stop lying to them. I only have two moves! If surgery goes well, the fake modest nod and wink. [Demonstrates, clicking teeth.] Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there's always the headshake-sad-walk-away. J.D.: Turk! [Holds up his iPod] Toto and I are going home. Turk: Fine! Sad piano music plays as Turk sadly shakes his head and turns. J.D.: [Interrupting the music] Okay! I'll help! Turk: [Happily returning] Thank you! Now, how do I tell these people they should let their son go? J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die. Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes. J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in Heaven? Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud! J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up? Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'! J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table. They nod at each other knowingly. === ELEVATOR -- SECOND FLOOR Doug wheels a gurney carrying a full body bag onto the elevator. J.D.'s Narration: After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route -- hiding in a body bag. Doug presses the button and the doors close. He casually buffs his badge. J.D.: [Muffled from inside the bag] Can you press "Lobby" please? Doug: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Doug frantically grabs the fre extinguisher off the wall and beats the bag with it. J.D.: OW! OWWWW! OW!!!! [Pulling the bag from his face] DOUG! Why are you hitting me!?!? Doug: 'Cause I thought you were a dad guy coming back to life! J.D.: [Thinks.] Then why were you hitting me!?!?! Doug: [Near tears] dad people should be dad! The doors open on the first floor, where Elliot rushes in and grabs J.D.'s gurney. Elliot: Here you are! Come on! J.D.: No, no! Elliot! I'm not even supposed to be here today; I'm going home! Flash across the lined floor to... ANOTHER HALL Dr. Cox and Carla walk through. Dr. Cox: So, if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone. Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you? Dr. Cox: I have freckles. They stop in front of the Janitor, who holds a screwdriver in his mouth while he uses another to fix a door hinge. Janitor: [Muffled] Oil can. Oil can! [Carla grabs it off the counter and hands it to him.] Thank you. Dr. Cox: Hey, you. Where's my son? Janitor: Oh, he's playing with the birds out on the ledge. Carla: [Gasps] What!? Janitor: I'm kidding! Come on! He's green! He pushes a bin out of the way to reveal Jack covered head to toe in green paint. The little munchkin waves and giggles like a fiend. Dr. Cox: [Grumbles and picks up his son] Come on. He carries the giggling kid down the hall. Janitor: [To Carla] Yeah...the little nipper got ahold of a paint gn when I was painting this green line down to the smoker's lounge. Thanks to him, I only got halfway down. He glances down the hall a few yards where the line comes to a sharp stop. Gathered at the end are several smokers, including Dr. Kelso and a Hispanic gentleman. Dr. Kelso: You look familiar. You ever play ball in Pennsylvania? [The man shakes his head.] Pepe...? === I.C.U. Turk stares into the Bolger room, where the father sits watching over his son. He braces himself and enters the room, where he's met with an icy glare. Turk: Mr. Bolger, look...before you throw me outta here, I just want to apologize about earlier. Um...I don't know what I was thinking. But rest assured, from here on out, whatever you ask me, I will be completely honest with you. Mr. Bolger: Do you shave your head because you like the way it looks, or because you're going bald? Turk: ...Bald.... Mr. Bolger: Okay, next question -- Turk: With all those topical treatments, let's just say I wasn't completely functional [gestures to his midsection]. Mr. Bolger: [Stands] -- why are all surgical residents being so relentless about my son's heart? Turk: Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant. Mr. Bolger: You're talking about my son, here. And you don't even know him.... Turk: What's his name? Mr. Bolger: Ray. Turk: How you doin', Ray? [The father strokes his unresponsive son's shoulder.] Now ask me if I think it's the right thing to do, even if you request that I don't assist. Mr. Bolger: Do you? Turk: Yes. [The man's chin quivers.] I'm really sorry. After a moment, he leaves the man with his son. === HALL Elliot stands in front of J.D. Elliot: J.D.! There is no way that I'm gonna be able to pull this off! In a few hours, I'm going to have a room full of specialists fring questions at me! I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds! J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you know he's an athlete of some kind. Just say something general! J.D.: Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays.... [Elliot gives him a look.] Look, Elliot, you know how people become specialists? They obsess about the material over and over again, until it becomes lodged into their brains. And that's exactly what you've been doing! Watch. Where's the closest page you've hidden around here? She hikes up his shirt, revealing a page taped to his abdomen. J.D.: Wha? You are good! [Peels it off and reads it.] All right, look: What's the...leading differential in an obese woman suffering from amenorrhea and hirsutism? Elliot: Polycystic ovaries. Oh my God, I knew it! Ha! [Raises hand] Up here! He gives her the five and she laughs. Follow the lines on the floor to... HALL / SCRUB ROOM Searching, Carla enters. Carla: Dr. Cox? A familiar silhouette is seen behind a yellow privacy curtain. Dr. Cox: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Carla whips the curtain back to reveal Dr. Cox with Jack, who he's changed into a spare scrub top and rubs with a towel to remove the last remnants of green paint. Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him -- your kid's like all green and slimy. Dr. Cox: Well, I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentlly prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and...slimy. Carla: Where is Jordan, anyway? Dr. Cox: The wicked witch of the east wing? Meanwhile... JORDAN'S OFFICE Jordan bangs on the tiny window in the door, steam from her broken heater swirling around her. Jordan: Help! I'm melting in here! [Collapses to the floor] Anyone! Help! I'm melting...! Meanwhile... SCRUB ROOM Dr. Cox: So he's green. Don't b*at yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair, and eaten over four dollars in change. [Partially to Jack] Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don't I? Carla comes around the glass partition to face him directly. Carla: You don't understand. I didn't dump him on the Janitor because I was busy. I dumped him on him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smoosh his face. I'm not meant for this. Dr. Cox: Carla, look at me and Jordan. You know how we hate everyone? Carla: [Snickers] Yeah. Dr. Cox: Well, that goes doubly for children. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them -- they're...they're like tiny cab drivers. [Carla kinda laughs, and Cox pulls the mostly pink Jack into his arms.] But, trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way. Carla: Yeah? Why? What'll be different? Dr. Cox: [Grinning at the little face pressed against his] He'll be yours. Carla smiles at the pair. === DOCTORS' LOUNGE Turk is lying on the couch, a sitcom blaring on the TV, as Kelso comes in. Spotting Turk, Kelso turns off the set. Turk: Sir, I was watching that. Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't I just tell you what happened: Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog despite George and Ma'am's objections. It was a good one. Now, on your feet. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant. Turk: [Standing, confused] The Bolgers said yes? Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this. He hands Turk a card. Turk: His son's driver's license? Dr. Kelso: Turn it over. J.D.'s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear. Turk turns the license over to reveal a small heart-shaped icon on the back which reads "DONOR". Dr. Kelso: [Smiling] Seems like you had a heart all along! He leaves Turk to take in the gift. The opening ukulele strains of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" come up. Meanwhile... LECTURE ROOM Elliot stands in front of a whiteboard. Elliot: Superior vena cava? J.D. is revealed to be standing in front of her with an open textbook. J.D.: That's right! She victoriously pumps her fist. J.D.: See, you had the brains all along. She smiles gratefully. Meanwhile... SCRUB ROOM Dr. Cox and Jack are still here with Carla. Dr. Cox: Trust me, Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along. Carla: [Smiles and dabs a tear from her cheek] Thank you. Cut to... HOSPITAL ROOF Ted's band is gathered here in the setting sunlight, one revealed to be playing the ukulele. Band: [Singing] Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh Ted: [Singing] Somewhere over the rainbow / Way up high Band: [Singing] Ooh ooh ooh ooh Ted: [Singing] There's a land that I've heard of / Once in a lullaby Band: [Singing] --by-hi-hi, ah-hi-hi-hi Pan down to the window of the Doctors' Lounge, where inside Turk and Mr. Bolger shake hands, then warmly hug. Ted: [Singing] Someday I'll wish upon a star / Wake up where the clouds are far behind me Pan down to the window of the Lecture Room, where inside Elliot confidently conducts her Q&A with the packed room. Ted: [Singing] Where troubles melt like lemon-drops / High above the chimney tops Band: [Singing] That's where you'll find me Ted: [Singing] Somewhere over the rainbow / Bluebirds fly Pan down to the window of a Lounge, where inside Carla happily plays with Jack, swinging him in the air. Ted: [Singing] Birds fly over the rainbow / Why, then, oh why can't I? Pan across to the Hospital Exit. Cox leans against the wall as J.D. walks out the door, still in his red shoes, his Toto-packed iPod in hand. Dr. Cox: Dorothy. You're goin' home, are ya? J.D.: Yep! He heads out into the puddle-pocked parking lot, happily walking out. Ted: [Singing] If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow Band: [Singing] Why, oh why can't I? Slowly pan up, to the rainbow above. Band: [Singing] Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooooh. Fade to black.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x07 - My Way Home"}	foreverdreaming
Convenience store parking lot. J.D. enters on his scooter. J.D.'s Narration: I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop, but my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra-cautious. (J.D. parks the scooter, removes his helmet and places orange cones all around the scooter. Sirens in the background grow louder.) J.D.: Perfect. Time for my morning slushie. (Three police cruisers enter the parking lot and surround J.D. Police exit the vehicles and take defensive positions, poised for a sh*t. One officer pulls J.D. out of the line of fre.) Officer: Get out of the way! The store's being robbed! (A robber comes out of the store and draws a gn.) Officer: Freeze! (The robber looks to his left and notices a low brick wall, and to his right, J.D.'s scooter.) J.D.: The wall! Hide behind the wall! (The robber dives behind the scooter as police officers spray the scooter with gn.) J.D.: NO! Sasha! (The robber emerges from behind the scooter, drops the gn and holds his hands up in surrender.) Robber: All right! All right! OK. J.D.: There was a wall! What's the matter with you? (Two more gn are fired, puncturing the scooters tires.) J.D.: Who is still sh*ting? She's down! (One final gn is fired at the scooter.) J.D.: It's over! (Cut to MRI room. Turk and J.D. are loading a patient into the machine.) Patient: Is this gonna hurt? J.D.: Oh, don't be such a baby, it's a magnetic image. I apologize, Mr. Foster, I'm a little upset. My scooter, Sasha was assassinated this morning. Turk: Yeah, he was so attached to that thing. He used to wear a bracelet that said "Sasha Forever." J.D.: Oh come on, Turk, it was just a joke. And I only wore it for one week. Turk: Whatever. J.D.: Now let's fre this baby up. (The lab tech turns on the machine. J.D.'s wrist is drawn towards the machine and hits it with a metallic "clunk.") J.D.: OK, so I still wear the bracelet. Turk: Idiot. OH! (Turk's wrist is also pulled into the machine and sticks.) Turk: My watch. (Cut to Nurses' Station. Ted is listening to a portable radio with headphones and Carla enters.) Ted: HEY, CARLA! Carla: Earphones, Ted! Ted: Sorry. Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom. Carla: Yeah, and you can spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy. Ted: What would you do with the money? (Cut to Carla's fantasy. The bar.) Elliot: Carla, I can't believe you're going to be a mom! Carla: I know! It was expensive, but totally worth it. (Pan to Turk, who is pregnant.) Carla: Right, baby? Turk: Stupid lotto. (End fantasy. Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Carla enters.) Carla: Good morning, Mrs. Wilk. Mrs. Wilk: Great morning. (Carla opens the blinds to window between two rooms and gasps. Elliot is making out with someone in the next room.) Carla: Whoa. Mrs. Wilk: That is wrong. Carla: Care to join me in a super loud throat clear? Mrs. Wilk: Absolutely. Carla: One, two, three. Carla & Mrs. Wilk: AHEM! (Elliot breaks the kiss and smiles nervously. Nurses' Station.) Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that. Turk: [in unison] What did you do? J.D.: [in unison] Was it naughty? J.D.'s Narration: When women want men to completely zone out, there's always one thing they can talk about. Elliot: You see, uh, yesterday I went shoe shopping and there was this one pair of... Turk and J.D.'s Thoughts: [in unison, bored] Shoe shopping. (Turk and J.D. space out.) Elliot: ...and they were cute. Carla: Great, we can talk. What were you thinking? Elliot: So, we kissed? I've been treating his kid for a week and we just really ht it off, you know? I mean it started off with some pretty innocent flirting, "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid," "Why is there blood in my son's stool?" J.D.: Huh? Turk: Whose stool? Carla: Strappy sandals. Turk and J.D.'s Thoughts: [in unison, bored] Shoe shopping. (Turk and J.D. space out again.) Carla: Continue. (Flashback: a patient's room Elliot flirts with the man she kissed.) Elliot's Voiceover: And then I asked where his wife was. He said "she's not with us." (Cut back to Nurses' Station.) Elliot: And then, you know...bleeeh. (Elliot licks her lips.) Carla: Cool. Oh, I almost forgot. Lace bra. (Turk and J.D. snap to reality.) J.D.: Were they D's? Turk: Be specific. (Cut to hallway.) J.D.: Good news, Mr. Foster. The radiologist said your scan is completely clear, but we'd like to keep you here for a few more tests. Mr. Foster: Whatever you say, doc. (Cut to a patient's room. Doug has just tagged a deceased patient.) J.D.'s Narration: A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dad body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in. (Doug reclines the bed, but the body stays upright.) Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this so, uh, lie across his feet and I'm gonna push down his head and straighten him out. Ted: Fun. Doug: One, two, three! (On three, Doug pushes the head down, which launches Ted into the air, against the window, knocking him out. Ted: Waaahh! Ooof! Doug: Ted? (Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters with Mr. Foster. Elliot, Carla and Turk are occupied with other things.) J.D.'s Narration: Still, the weirdest thing is when a really cool guy who's fine and talking to you one minute... (Mr. Foster fades out.) J.D.: ...is dad the next. Of course, in hospitals this happens a lot, so you have to shake it off and move on. Except when this happens. (Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Well! If it isn't the four horsewomen of the apocalypse. There's a Morbidity and Mortality conference tomorrow morning to figure out who is responsible for Mr. Foster's death and here's the exciting news. I'm pretty sure it was one of you. (An uncomfortable silence is followed by Turk's cellphone ringtone of Beethoven's Fifth.) J.D.: You really gotta change that cellphone ring. (Turk answers the phone.) Turk: Mom, not now. (Turk hangs up.) Auditorium full of doctors. Turk, Elliot, Carla and J.D. sit before a panel of senior staffers including Dr. Kelso, Dr. Cox and Ted. J.D.'s Narration: So, a patient was dad and one of us was going to be blamed. (Turk's cell phone rings again.) J.D.: Dude, you've got to change that cell phone ring. Turk: You think so, huh? [on phone] Mom, not now. J.D.'s Narration: With Morbidity and Mortality conferences, the first question sets the tone for the whole day. Dr. Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone? Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious. My compliments to the little lady. Dr. Kelso: I made those. Dr. Cox: I know. Dr. Kelso: Dorian, you admitted Mr. Foster with coughing and shortness of breath. Is that correct? (J.D. leans forward to his mic.) J.D.: Yes. (The microphone doesn't work, so J.D. taps it.) J.D.: Mic check, mic check. (J.D. leans over to Turk's microphone and taps it, then Elliot's, and finally climbs on top of the table to reach Carla's, which works.) J.D.: Yes. (J.D. returns to his seat.) Dr. Kelso: And then what happened? (J.D. moves to climb across the table again.) Dr. Kelso: Dorian. I'm ten feet away from you. Talk. (J.D. sits.) J.D.: Uh, Mr. Foster had recently flown to India, where had been exposed to an outbreak of pertussis. I was going to check on his labs, but first I had to visit another patient, Mr. Sutton. (Flashback to elevator. J.D. exits the elevator, pushing Mr. Sutton in a wheelchair towards the Admissions Area.) J.D.: So, Mr. Sutton, when you came with heartburn, I bet you thought I'd kick your butt right out of here. But not this guy. I admitted you and I stayed up all night studying your EKG because I had a hunch, and no girlfriend. But it was mostly the hunch thing. And that hunch paid off because if I hadn't found that blocked artery, you'd be dad right now. J.D.'s Thoughts: And here comes the gratitude. The two words every doctor lives to hear. (Mr. Sutton gets up.) Mr. Sutton: Later, dude. (Mr. Sutton exits. Cut to Mr. Foster's room.) J.D.: I can't believe he didn't thank me. You'll thank me when you leave, won't you? Mr. Foster: I-I don't know. Why are you so needy? Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends. J.D.: Oh, OK, Turk. Looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2:00 spot and getting penciled in for never. How does that feel, does it sting? J.D.'s Thoughts: He's hurting. Hug him. Hug him now! (Carla enters) Carla: Hey, guys? What would you do with a hundred million dollars? (Flashback ends.) Dr. Kelso: A hundred million dollars? Carla: Sir, the super lotto jackpot was up to a hundred million dollars, so earlier that morning... (Flashback continues. Nurses' Station.) Carla: I'm just saying, think of what you could do with that kind of money. Janitor: I could get a trained shark. Carla: Why? (Cut to Janitor's fantasy. J.D. stands on a diving board at a backyard pool. Janitor is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping a cocktail.) J.D.: Thanks for inviting me over, Janitor. Janitor: Anytime, buddy! Anytime. [into a walkie-talkie] Wait for him, wait for him. J.D.: Can opener! (J.D. does a can opener off the diving board.) Janitor: [into walkie-talkie] The lobster's in the pot! Devour! Devour! J.D.: Something feels pinchy. WHOA! AAH! WAAAH!! AAAAHH!! (J.D. gets thrashed from side to side by an unseen shark as ominous music plays.) Janitor: [into walkie-talkie] Save me a leg. (End fantasy. Cut back to Nurses' Station.) Janitor: I'm in. Carla: And you know, we could buy a lot more tickets if you could collect money from everyone. Janitor: I'll start going through their lockers. Carla: No, I meant asking them. Janitor: Seems kind of roundabout, but OK. (Janitor exits.) Carla: Hey, Dr. Cox. You wanna put in for some lottery tickets? Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Carla, I would. I really would, but you see, I already set fre to a big pile of money just this morning. Carla: Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else. Dr. Cox: And the category is, ding, things that have a better chance of happening than you winning the lottery: Tedsky, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please? (Ted begins timing Dr. Cox.) Ted: Go. Dr. Cox: Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another ht record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba-Simpson... Ted: Time! Dr. Cox: Ohh.. (End flashback.) Carla: Anyway, that explains why I went into the room and said... (Continue flashback: Carla enters Mr. Foster's room.) Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars? J.D.: Me? Floating-Head Doctor. Turk: Here we go. J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy: ICU. J.D's head floats through, as people give him disturbed looks.) J.D.'s Head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Meyers. (A patient begins flat-lining.) J.D.'s Head: Uh-oh, he's flat-lining! Body, come! (William Tell Overture plays. J.D.'s body, on an exercise bike, leaps off, runs down the hall, and crashes into a wall as it reaches the ICU. Music falters.) J.D.'s Head: Dammit! Starting CPR. (J.D.'s Head beats itself against the patient's chest.) J.D.'s Head: Oww! (End fantasy. Cut back to Mr. Foster's room.) J.D.: Well, there would probably be some kinks to work out initially. (Elliot enters the room and hides behind a wall. Another woman enters.) Woman: Where is that whore? (End flashback) Dr. Kelso: Who's a whore? (Elliot raises her hand.) Elliot: That'd be me, sir. Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. Would you care to elaborate? Elliot: See, um, yesterday, uh, I went shoe shopping... Turk's Thoughts: Shoe shopping. Ted's Thoughts: Shoe shopping. Audience's Thoughts: Shoe shopping. (They all space out.) Elliot: ...and they had a T-strap. Dr. Cox: Oh, puh-lease. Jordan used to use that one on me all the time. Immune. Watch this. Satin panties! (Everyone snaps to reality.) Elliot: Fine. I was checking on Mrs. Wilk and... (Continue flashback. Mrs. Wilk's room.) Elliot: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before. It's not like I was just making out with some random guy in the hospital, I wouldn't do that. Well, I did that once, there was this Medevac pilot. Actually, he just turned out to be an orderly who got his hands on a helicopter helmet, but this is different. Sure, it could get complicated, he has a son... Mrs. Wilk: And a wife. (They look into the next room. The man Elliot kissed is now kissing his wife.) Elliot: I've been making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away! Oh, my God, I've become my mother. (Cut to just outside the room. Elliot waves to the man's wife.) Elliot: You said your wife was dad! Man: No, I said she wasn't with us. Don't make me out to be a bad guy. Elliot: Well, you're not a good guy. Good guys don't lie about being single, or about being helicopter pilots. If you're a good guy, you would get in there and tell her what happened. Man: You're right. Elliot: Hell, yeah, I am. (The man returns to his son's room to talk to his wife.) Elliot: [to herself] Wait, what?! Elliot's Voiceover: You know how, when something horrible happens like a car accident, everything slows down? (The man graphically mimes kissing someone to his wife, then points at Elliot.) Elliot: Noooooooooo!!! Wife: WHOOOOORRRE!! (Elliot flees, then enters Mr. Foster's room and hides behind a wall. The man's wife enters.) Wife: Where is that whore? (Wife exits.) Elliot: Hey, guys. 'Sup? J.D.: Elliot, would you do me a favor and cover Mr. Foster for me? I have to go to Mr. Sutton's house and get the thank you I deserve. Carla: You are so obsessing about this. Turk: It's like the time you were convinced that the cafeteria workers were giving you small waffles. How'd that work out for you? J.D.: They waffle ironed my foot. But this different, buddy. Look, I need a ride. Turk: Pass. J.D.: Oh, pass, huh? Well this is what happened last time you passed. (J.D. takes off his shoe and puts his bare foot on Mr. Foster's bed, showing a waffle-patterned burn scar on the bottom of his foot. Elliot: Oh! Carla: Yi. Turk. OK. Put the foot away. Put the waffle foot away. (Cut to Mr. Sutton's house. They approach the gate to the yard.) J.D.: This is where Sutton lives, right? Let's get in there. (They see a sign on the gate that says "BEWARE OF..." The last word is covered with mud.) Turk: J.D... (Turk wipes the mud off the sign. The hidden word is "BIRDS." They look at each other, laugh and enter.) Turk: Dude? (A pack of ostriches come around the house towards them.) J.D.: OK. Just back away slowly. (An ostrich kicks the gate shut, trapping Turk and J.D. in the yard.) J.D.: Oh no, Turk. They're organized! (Another ostrich makes a noise resembling the Velociraptor screech from Jurassic Park.) J.D.: AAAHH!! (End flashback. Dr. Kelso's stomach growls.) Dr. Cox: Good lord, Bobbo, was that your stomach? J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. Hope. Dr. Kelso's inability to deal with hunger was legendary. We were as good as home. Dr. Kelso: I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch. (Turk, J.D., Elliot, Carla and Dr. Kelso start to get up. Dr. Cox covers his mic.) Dr. Cox: Uh, just hold on! That is not the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it. Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'm in charge here. Dr. Cox: Ted, give him your sandwich. Ted: I suppose I could spare a small corner. (Dr. Kelso takes the sandwich out of Ted's hands.) Dr. Kelso: All right, everyone just stay where you are and we will be back in um, two minutes. Auditorium. J.D.'s Narration: One sandwich later we got back into it. Dr. Kelso: [mouth full] And then what happened, Dr. Dorian? J.D.: Well, sir, fortunately for us ostriches are flightless birds. (Continue flashback. J.D. and Turk are in a tree. An ostrich passes by and growls.) J.D.: There goes the sentry. Every three minutes, like clockwork. Turk: Dude, can I admit something to you? I kind of missed not getting my hug today. J.D.: Here comes your vanilla bear! Turk: J.D., J.D., uh, J.D.! (J.D. slips and falls out of the tree.) J.D.: Wooohhh!! Turk: Oh! Dude, don't sweat it. It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature. J.D.: Oh, thank God. Turk: It also says their kick can kll a man. J.D.: What?! I'm coming back up! (An ostrich peers around the tree over J.D.'s shoulder and hisses.) J.D.: Turk? (Cut to Mr. Sutton's living room. Mr. Sutton is on the couch watching TV. J.D. crashes through the window.) J.D.: WAAAAHHH!! (J.D. stands. His scrubs are dirty, torn and bloody.) J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I hope this isn't a bad time. (End flashback.) Dr. Kelso: Who cares about Mr. Sutton? So, Dr. Reid, you were covering Mr. Foster. Elliot: Uh, actually, sir, I was on my way to cover Mr. Foster, but then I stopped in Mrs. Wilk's room, and... (Continue flashback. Elliot is in Mrs. Wilk's room. She sees the man's wife outside the door and dives out of sight.) Keith: What are you doing? Elliot: Don't look at me! Keith, do you see the woman standing outside? (Keith spots an elderly lady.) Keith: Yeah, I see her. Elliot: I made out with her husband this morning! Keith: That's disgusting. Elliot: OK, Keith, just get out of here and go do PFT's on Mr. Foster. Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong. Elliot: If we all win this lottery, then I am using that money to find a decent man. (Cut to Elliot's fantasy. Her wedding day. She opens her groom's shirt to reveal circuit boards and pushes a button.) Priest: You may kiss the bride. (Elliot and the groom kiss.) Elliot: Mmm. Mmhmm. Whoa, save it for tonight, big guy. (She taps the groom's waist area with a metallic sound. The groom stomps on a towel.) Groom: [robotic voice] Mazel Tov. (End fantasy. Cut back to Mrs. Wilk's room.) Elliot: Ugh, why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kll me. (Cut to Mr. Sutton's house.) J.D.: Why ostriches? Mr. Sutton: They're such majestic creatures, don't you think? And, you know, they're kind of like my children. Plus, I make belts out of their necks. J.D.: OK look, Mr. Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why... Turk: ...aaaAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Turk crashes through the window and lands in a heap.) Mr. Sutton: There is* a door. J.D.: You OK? Did you try and escape? Turk: I did escape. There was one waiting in the car. J.D.: Oh. Mr. Sutton: That's Leon. Loves car rides. Likes to stick his head out the window and I tell him it's a little too dangerous, but he doesn't listen to me. J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me. Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbageman. How many times a day do you think I get thanked? Turk: Six. Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six. Turk: Twelve! Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you. Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat. J.D.: I just don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say, "hey, doc..." Why did he just walk away like that? (Leon enters wearing Turk's red hat.) Turk: Uhh.. J.D.: Ruh-roh. Turk: Don't move. J.D.: I do admit, he looks pretty phat in your Kango. (Cut to Nurses' Station) Carla: Hey, everybody, they're about to pick the lottery numbers. And remember that when we win, we win as a family. Janitor: I set aside twenty tickets just for you and I to split. Carla: Perfect. Keith: Nurse Espinosa. Mr. Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr. Dorian's gone. Dr. Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed. Carla: Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call. [to Dr. Cox] You're missing out. I bet there's plenty of things you could do with a hundred million dollars. (Cut to Dr. Cox's fantasy. Dr. Cox is in his apartment watching sports. Jordan is in a glass box with a hammer on the side labeled "IN CASE OF SEX EMERGENCY") Dr. Cox: Aw, come on, you gotta make that sht. Jordan: Let me out of here! I will kll you! Dr. Cox: I'm watching the game. (Dr. Cox returns his attention to the TV until Jordan knocks on the glass and starts unbuttoning her shirt.) Jordan: Sweetie, you wanna get naughty? Ooh.. (She licks the glass and rubs her chest against it.) Jordan: Oh, yeah. (Dr. Cox picks up the hammer, ready to break the glass, but is distracted by the TV.) Jordan: Come on, do it. Do it. Dr. Cox: Ah, I can wait another day. Button up and watch the game. (End fantasy.) Dr. Cox: I gotta call my glass guy. (Cut to hallway. The wife changes the patient assignment board from "Dr. Reid" to "Dr. Whore".) Elliot: Mrs. Brown, I want you to know how sorry I am for kissing your husband, but we are two women who have both been wronged and both been lied to and the healthiest thing for us to do right now is just to walk away from each other with our dignity intact. Don't you agree? Mrs. Brown: Do you know what I do with whores? I punch them in the face. Elliot: Bring it, bitch. (Cut to hospital exterior. Elliot is duct taped to the wall, missing her shoes and has a speech bubble taped next to her reading "HI! I'M A WHORE!") (Cut to sidewalk. J.D. is sitting next to some trashcans.) Turk: Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbageman? J.D.: Yes! Jabbar'e has been added to the hug schedule. You want to wait with me? Turk: I can't, I was supposed to be on call five minutes ago. (Turk exits.) J.D.'s Narration: This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end... (Cut to auditorium.) J.D.: ...whether you're a doctor or a garbageman... Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] Dorian. What are you doing? J.D.: Sorry, sir, uh, um, sometimes I like to just sum things up. Dr. Kelso: Well, allow me to do that for you. In the end, when Mr. Foster started coughing up blood... (Cut to Turk, stuck in traffic.) Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic... (Cut to doctor's lounge. The nurses are watching the lottery drawing.) Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery... (Cut to J.D. hugging the garbageman.) Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...his original doctor was thanking a garbageman... (Cut to Elliot, still taped to the wall.) Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...and the covering physician was incapacitated. (Cut to Mr. Foster's room. Keith and other interns are attempting to resuscitate Mr. Foster.) Dr. Kelso: And what was Mr. Foster doing? He was dying in the hands of the interns. (Cut back to auditorium.) Dr. Kelso: How did I do, Dr. Dorian? (Carla, Turk, J.D., and Elliot sit in ashamed silence. Doug enters.) Doug: Sorry I'm late. I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver. Dr. Cox: Cut to the chase there, Pee Pants. Doug: Uh, Mr. Foster's death was the result of a pulmonary embolism, probably caused by the 21 hour flight he was on from India. But Dr. Flannery, the radiologist should have caught it on the scan. (Doug hands the lab results to Dr. Kelso, who examines them.) Dr. Kelso: Working from an inaccurate report, there was nothing any of you could have done to prevent Mr. Foster from passing. Which, I guess, leads us to you, Dr. Flannery. (Zoom in on a surprised Dr. Flannery, sitting in the audience.) J.D.'s Narration: After a day like today, there's only one thing you could do. (Cut to the bar. Carla, J.D., Elliot and Turk sit at a table and raise their mugs in a toast.) J.D.: To bad radiologists! (Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get in on this. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow and his fatherless kids. (Dr. Cox raises his bottle and drinks.) Elliot: Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault. Dr. Cox: Oh. Because you were lucky. You know as well as I do that it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again. Have a uh, have a swell party. (Dr. Cox exits.) J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up. Especially when you know it's true. (Cut to ICU.) J.D.'s Narration: And when that happens, you can't shrug it off. Because the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you. (J.D., Elliot, Carla and Turk go about their jobs in the ICU, with a ghost of Mr. Foster following each of them.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x08 - My Big Bird"}	foreverdreaming
Cafeteria: Lloyd the Delivery Guy is air-drumming along with a bat. Janitor and Ted watch. Todd enters. Todd: What's going on? Janitor: Ted and I are putting together an air band for that contest at the bar. Someone's got to win those water park tickets, it might as well be us. Lloyd, slammin' solo, but I have to ask you, how's things coming with the drug problem? Lloyd: Three days sober. Janitor: Excellent. OK, we'll be in touch. (Lloyd exits. Cut to hallway. J.D. is pushing a patient in a wheelchair.) J.D.: Well, Mrs. Nichols, it was an honor being your doctor. Mrs. Nichols: Oh, you're such a nice young man. I'd love to set you up with my grand-niece. J.D.: Oh, thank you, but I'm not big on blind dates, and I know, I haven't ht it in awhile, but there's good reason for that. Dr. Cox: Two good reasons. His face and his personality. (Dr. Cox exits.) J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones! J.D.'s Thoughts: But words will hurt forever. J.D.: Anyway, for me to be set up with your niece, I'd need to know a lot more about her. Mrs. Nichols: She's single. (Cut to a restaurant. J.D. is at a table.) J.D.'s Thoughts: My blind date should be here any second. I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up. (An older women enters in slow motion, wearing excessive amounts of make up and violently clashing clothes.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch! Wait, she's veering off. Phew! (Julie enters in slow motion.) J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing! Yet there's something accessible about her. I wonder what it is. (Julie trips over a food cart, falls over and makes a mess. A carrot cake lands next to her.) Julie: Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake. (Cut to later in the date. Julie rests her head in her hand, but her elbow slips off the table, causing her to face-plant on the table.) J.D.'s Thoughts: So, she was a bit of a klutz. Julie: Did you see that? Please say no. J.D.: No. J.D.'s Narration: From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever. We had so much in common. (Cut to much later. The restaurant is closed and J.D. and Julie are having coffee.) Julie: I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I sometimes wish I was a wizard, and I've hated sports since I was a kid. J.D.: Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies? (A busty waitress leans over the table to clear the dishes. Julie takes a fork and sab each breast which causes them to shrink with a balloon popping noise. Cut to reality. It was Julie's fantasy.) Julie: Sometimes. J.D.: So do you wanna see if they'll give us more coffee or do you just want to call it a night? J.D.'s Narration: And then she gave the world's best answer. Julie: Neither. (Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. and Julie lean in for a kiss. Elliot enters.) Elliot: J.D., you home? J.D.: My roommate. Back in one second. (J.D. goes into the living room.) Elliot: So, I guess your date sucked, huh? J.D.: Ha! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked. She's in my room. Elliot: Twenty bucks you blow it in less than five minutes. J.D.: Unlikely! Because what's waiting for me in my room is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk (he says while making a motion of a tennis forehand). (J.D. returns to his room.) Elliot: One Mississippi, two Mississippi... (Julie exits in a rush. J.D. follows.) Julie: It's so late, I gotta get going, I have a dog and a fish, I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie, hi. (Julie exits the apartment.) Elliot: I was Elliot. Twenty bucks, please. J.D.: OK, double or nothing. I bet you I can jump from this couch to the counter. Check it! Eagle! (J.D. fails.) Elliot: Pay me in the morning. Hallway. J.D.: Why would Julie just take off like that? I bet you my body intimidated her. That's it, I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist. Elliot: Yeah, I'm sure you said something that sucked all of the romance out of the moment. You used to do that all the time when we were dating. J.D.: Like when? (Flashback. J.D. and Elliot are in bed, making out.) J.D.: Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker. What? (End flashback.) J.D.: Fine, I may have told her that she smells like my mom. Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment. Elliot: Ugh. (They enter the Nurses' Station.) Jordan: What are you guys talking about? J.D.: Well... Elliot: J.D. has this habit... Jordan: [interrupting] Already bored. (J.D. and Elliot exit. Dr. Cox enters.) Jordan: Oh, look! Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off at preschool. Dr. Cox: Oh. Bye, little man. (Dr. Cox pats Jack on the head.) Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss. Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy, and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, if my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head. Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye. (Dr. Cox shakes Jack's hand.) Dr. Cox: Son, Always a pleasure. And no more kissing. (Dr. Cox exits) Jordan: What? You're crazy! [to Jack] That's right. He is. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) Carla: Well, I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him? Dr. Cox: Stay out of it, Carla. Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what? Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son. Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you? Dr. Cox: Ladies, hate to disappoint, but my quota for women who bug the living bajesus out of me has been met for the next billion years. Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to Malfolan. However, I have come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment. Mrs. Wilk: OK. Carla: Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in just so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is. Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me, it won't sound sincere. Carla: He won't care. Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing. Dr. Cox: It's just my job. (Cut to doctor's lounge. Ted, Lloyd and Janitor are watching Todd lip-sync to Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend.") Todd: Everyone's watching to see what you will do / Everyone's looking at you, whoa, Everybody's workin' for... (Janitor stops the music.) Janitor: Well, uh, thanks for coming to the audition in costume. Todd: What costume? (Turk breaks out laughing.) Janitor: Something funny? Turk: Dude, I just came up the perfect name for you band: Mercy Flush. [laughs] Ted: Do you think this is easy? (Turk steps up to audition, dancing and lip-syncing to Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison." Janitor, Lloyd and Ted watch, impressed.) Janitor: I don't know what "it" is, but he's got it. Lloyd: He's gonna be trouble. Janitor: I know. But he is so damn delicate (talented?). (Cut to cafeteria.) J.D.'s Narration: I convinced Julie to meet me by explaining that my comment in the bedroom was a simple miscommunication. J.D.: I wasn't saying that you smelled like my mom, I was saying that you smelled like memum. It's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica. Julie: God, I feel so stupid. J.D.: Hugsies. J.D.'s Thoughts: Ohh, Mommy. Julie: I'll see you later? J.D.: Yes. (Julie gets up to leave, knocking her keys to the floor. She bends over, spilling water on Elliot, knocking her face first into her plate of spaghetti with her purse, then hitting her in the face with a napkin dispenser in a series of klutzy mishaps.) Julie: Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, I am so, so sorry. Elliot: Oh no, it happens. J.D.: It does, it happens. Julie: Bye. (Julie exits.) J.D.: Isn't she great? Elliot: So, you got the second date. Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road and pretend your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny, and I still have not forgiven you for klling that family's pony. But most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again, ignore whatever pops into your head. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words: I'm. So glad. I found you. J.D.: You're telling me what to say, next you're gonna be telling me how to kiss her. I mean, where does it end? (J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot, dressed like J.D. and with J.D.'s hairstyle is kissing Julie.) Julie: You are such a good kisser, J.D. Elliot: Mmm, right back at'cha. And I love that you're calling me J.D. (End fantasy.) J.D.: Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot. And stay away from my J.D. wigs! (Cut to ICU.) Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line? Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape. (Lonnie looks away) Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox. Is he gone? No? Hello? (Dr. Cox enters a patient's room.) Carla: Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox. He's going to be your doctor. Dr. Cox: Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery. Mrs. London: Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person. Dr. Cox: Well, I'm a doctor, and we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness. Carla: Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you. Dr. Cox: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, no he won't! (Dr. Cox exits. Cut to Elliot's apartment.) J.D.: I am having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking for two hours? Julie: Seriously? J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by. Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name on the mirror with my finger so the next time you took a hot shower and it fogged up, you'd think that ghosts where trying to tell you to be with me. (Five for Fighting's "100 Years" plays in the background.) J.D.'s Narration: Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me. (J.D and Julie sit on the couch. They transform in to elderly people.) J.D.: Smile. (He takes a picture of the two of them.) Julie: Oh, God this mask is hot. (She peels off a cosmetic mask and wig.) J.D.: Thanks for doing that. (J.D. also pulls off his mask and wig.) J.D.: I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together. Julie: That's so sweet! So what do you want to do now? J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something. Tell her about the ht and run. Nah, she probably loves ponies. Ask her if she's been tested. Why are all these odd thoughts popping into my head? My, God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her! Stop it! OK, the silence is going on too long. Just say that thing that Elliot told you, even though it's stupid. J.D.: I'm really glad I found you. (They stand, presumably to kiss. Cut to cafeteria. Ted's air band finishes out the last words to the song.) Turk: ...To liiiiive!! Janitor: Yes! That was very tight. Dr. Kelso: Well, seems I've stumbled into the Time Well Spent ward. Back into your cage, Ted. (Ted takes off his air guitar and slams it on the floor. The twang of a broken string is heard.) Ted: Oh, God, what have I done? Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I need you to volunteer to speak at a critical care conference this weekend. Turk: Yeah, I don't see that happening, Bobby. Dr. Kelso: Excuse me? Turk: It's not like you're the king around here. (Cut to Elliot's apartment.) J.D.: Ahhhh, morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell. Elliot: Oh, really? Because I just got your text that said boom city. J.D.: Oh, really? That came through? J.D.'s Narration: When you care about something, the last thing you want is for it to be taken away. (Cut to security room.) J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's a newfound hobby... Turk: Sir, why did you want to see me in here? Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] Quick announcement, people. From this moment on, there will be no air-banding allowed in the hospital. [to Turk] The king has spoken. Thank you very much. (Cut to Mrs. London's room) J.D.'s Narration: ...or the image of someone you looked up to. Carla: So, tell me. What are you gonna do with our Jehovah's Witness? Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna do anything. Carla: So what's gonna happen? Dr. Cox: I would say she's probably going to die. (Cut to Elliot's apartment. Julie enters.) J.D.'s Narration: as for me, all I lost was my pride. Julie: Hey, Elliot. Oh, um, J.D.? I'm glad I found you, too. Elliot: Well, that sounds familiar. Julie: [offscreen] HYOOOOOO! (A crash is heard. Elliot chokes on her coffee. Julie is on the ground, underneath the shelves she has just knocked over. Julie: Ow. I think there's a chotchkie in my bum. Cut to Hospital entrance. J.D. and Elliot enter. J.D.'s Narration: So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating. Elliot: Ha ha, you had sex last night with a beautiful girl that you really like! J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes she needs a little help. J.D.: Uh, you probably meant, "If it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop." Elliot: Right. In your face, ha ha! [whispering] Thank you. [normally] You know, I actually like Julie, so don't do that thing you always do. J.D.: If you're referring to the game Find the Saltine, relax. I don't even play that with Turk any more. Elliot: No, I am talking about how you go a million miles an hour the minute you fall for someone. Don't go too quickly, or just like I said, you'll just end up with another beautiful girl. J.D.: Dating my laptop. Elliot: Dating you laptop. Thank you. (Cut to hallway. Ted, Janitor and Lloyd are looking at a sign that says "NO AIRBANDING") Lloyd: I knew he'd be trouble. Janitor: Hey, come on now, we're still a band, huh? Let's bring it in. (Janitor, Ted and Lloyd put a hand on Lloyd's head.) Janitor: Cool cats on three. One, two, three. Janitor, Ted & Lloyd: Cool cats! Janitor: Let's roll. (They exit. Pan to Nurses' Station.) Carla: When Mrs. Wilk was allergic to Malfolan, you found a way around it. Why aren't you doing the same for our Jehovah's Witness? Dr. Cox: Because Mrs. Wilk didn't choose to have her allergy, so... Carla: [interrupting] Wait, there's a young man behind you with a quick medical question. (Jordan, hiding behind the counter, holds Jack up.) Jordan: Will you kiss me? (Jordan stands up.) Dr. Cox: Leaving. Jordan: You know, you're eventually gonna have to kiss your boy. Carla: And you will have to treat that Jehovah's Witness. Jordan: Mmhmm. Dr. Cox: God. Elevator. (The elevator door opens with miraculous music. Dr. Cox steps inside and shuts the door.) Dr. Cox: He's got my back, Even if I don't technically believe in Him. (Cut to hallway.) Turk: Behind your ear. (J.D. pulls a saltine from behind his ear and hands it to Turk.) J.D.: My friend, you have found the saltine! But don't tell Elliot we're still playing! J.D.'s Thoughts: Why do I care what Elliot thinks? She's not right about everything. I mean, I'm not gonna go too fast with Julie. (Montage begins: J.D. walks down the hall playing air guitar until he bumps into Dr. Kelso. He points to the "NO AIRBANDING" sign, and hands J.D. a stack of folders. Dr. Kelso walks slowly down the hall as J.D. moves in fast-motion from door to door in front of Dr. Kelso. Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. enters and jumps on the couch as Julie rubs his shoulders. Cut to hallway outside Elliot's apartment. J.D. gives Julie a flower attached to a key. She tries to put it in the lock but it does not fit. J.D. takes the key and the scene cuts to J.D.'s bedroom. He uses the key to open a small chest. In it are wizards hats, which they put on. Cut to the living room. a painting of J.D. and Julie in the hats sitting on a unicorn is hung on the wall. Elliot looks at it in horror, then gives J.D. and Julie a forced smile. Cut to a street. J.D. and Julie ride on their scooters. They stop next to a vacant lot with a "For sale" sign. End montage.) J.D's Thoughts: Ooh, land for sale. (cut to outside the security room.) Turk: Dr. Kelso? I'll go to that conference. Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called "Dr. Dad" which, despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you want to do? (Dr. Kelso exits. Janitor enters.) Janitor: It was never about you saying no to the conference. It's about the way you said it. (Janitor points to Dr. Kelso on the security camera monitor.) Janitor: You see that man there? His biggest pet peeve, except for employees storing deer meat in his office mini-fridge, is people being disrespectful to him. (Janitor pauses, and pulls a saltine from behind Turk's neck.) Turk: Do you play? (Janitor pulls a saltine fro behind his own neck. Cut to ICU. Lonnie and an EMT roll Mrs. London out the door on a gurney.) Carla: Lonnie, what are you doing? Lonnie: Since Dr. Cox won't treat Mrs. London, we have to transfer her to another facility. (Cut to a private patient's room. Mrs. London is wheeled in.) Dr. Cox: All right, listen up and listen good. I will kll anyone who tells Carla about this. That includes you Mrs. London. First, I will save your life, then I'll take it away. Let's get to work. Lonnie. Are you looking at me again? Lonnie: No. (Dr. Cox approaches Lonnie with a roll of surgical tape. Cut to vacant lot.) Julie: Are we crazy to be thinking about buying this? J.D.: No, it's a sound investment and a great addition to my portfolio. J.D.'s Thoughts: Which consists of two shares of Eastern Airlines stock and a pack of unopened Les Mis trading cards. (Elliot's face appears on the sign, in place of the broker.) Elliot: J.D., this is a mistake. J.D.: You're not broker of the year Whit Prowdy. Elliot: Don't do this, you're going too fast. J.D.: Why should I believe you? Elliot: [quoting the sign] Because honesty is my business. (Elliot is replaced by the broker on the sign.) J.D.: I hate you, Whit Prowdy. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Turk: Sir, can I talk to you for a second? Dr. Kelso: Just you, or all the Turkleton's? (Turk turns around and sees Janitor, Lloyd and Ted standing behind him.) Janitor: We don't just rock together, we roll together. Janitor, Ted, Turk & Lloyd: [in unison] Cool Cats. Turk: Sir, I want to apologize for how I spoke to you. It was extremely disrespectful and I can promise you, it will not happen again. Dr. Kelso: You bet your ass it won't. (Dr. Kelso removes the "NO AIRBANDING" sign and exits. Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: OK, so what's the deal, crankypants? Dr. Cox: I am just sick and tired of having to live up to everyone's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line. You want me to help Mrs. London, and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean, honestly, Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much. Carla: Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with that stuff around here for over twenty years. Dr. Cox: It's not just here, it's home, too. Jordan expects me to be this -- this amazing, sensitive father. Carla: So that's what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive dad stuff. You'll get there. Dr. Cox: You don't know anything. Carla: Oh really? How is it going with your Jehovah's Witness patient? Dr. Cox: Better. (Cut to hallway.) J.D.: How did you know I'd move too fast with Julie? (Cut to cafeteria.) Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of Dad? (Cut to Admissions Area.) Turk: How did you know that Dr. Kelso just wanted respect? (Cut to security room.) Elliot: [on security camera monitor] Because I know you. Carla: [on security camera monitor] Because I know you. Janitor: [on security camera monitor] Because I know him. Todd: This is so cool. Lonnie: [his head is wrapped in tape with a face drawn on it] What's happening? Dr. Cox didn't make eye holes. (Cut to hospital entrance. J.D. and Elliot walk out to the parking lot.) J.D.'s Narration: I think it's important to listen to the people who know us best. Because if you do, you might get to rock... (J.D. and Elliot walk past the Cool Cats in the parking lot, who are air-banding to Boston's "More Than a Feeling." (Cut to Nurses' Station.) J.D.'s Narration: ...you might get the confidence to be the father you want to be... Dr. Cox: Give me this little boy. (Dr. Cox takes Jack from Jordan and kisses him.) Dr. Cox: I love you. I love you so much I'm gonna make a sandwich out of you. Jordan: Where are you going? Dr. Cox: Jack's gonna devour me now, see you later! (Cut to half-acre.) J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes it's fun to not listen and do whatever the hell you want. J.D.: So, we bought it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to kiss my lady on my new half-acre. (J.D. and Julie run towards each other. Julie stumbles and falls, causing J.D. to trip and do two somersaults in the air, before crashing next to her.) Elliot: [to herself] She is not graceful. (Cut to hospital parking lot. The Cool Cats finish air-banding to Boston.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x09 - My Half-Acre"}	foreverdreaming
Half-Acre. J.D. and Julie sit on the deck. J.D.'s Narration: Behold Julie Quinn. Ahhhh. We fell for each other so quickly, we decided to buy some property together, and built a deck on it. (Camera zooms out to show J.D. and Julie sitting on a front porch, but there is no house.) J.D.: To our half-acre. (They toast with lemonade.) Julie: Hey, look, the Clarks are home. J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, the Clarks felt that if we weren't building a house, we weren't technically their neighbors. J.D. & Julie: [in unison] Hey, Clarks! Mr. Clark: Go to hell! J.D.: OK! Hey, Buzz, I'm gonna bat you in poker next time! J.D.'s Narration: The Morgans on the other side were much friendlier. But I don't think we're gonna have them over again. (Flashback: The Morgans, J.D., and Julie are on the deck.) J.D.: Hi. Mr. Morgan: Y'all are a cute couple. Julie: Thanks. Mr. Morgan: Wanna buy a baby? J.D.: Oooh, sweetie! Julie: No. J.D.: I'm sorry, no thank you. Mr. Morgan: I'll throw in a crib. J.D.: Throwing in a crib. (End flashback.) J.D.'s Narration: It didn't matter, because I was happy to look out at my beautiful half-acre with my sweet, but klutzy gal. (Julie leans back to finish her lemonade and topples backwards off the back off the deck.) J.D.: You OK, buttercup? Julie: The glass broke in my mouth. (Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Kelso storms down the hallway.) J.D.'s Narration: Turk and I had discovered a new way to deal with Kelso's bad moods. Dr. Kelso: Dammit, people, if you can't fill out your patients' insurance forms, then... Turk: Spoonful of peanut butter, sir? (Dr. Kelso snatches the spoon from Turk and eats the peanut butter.) J.D.'s Narration: It usually bought us a few minutes of peace. But then Carla said something that deeply disturbs every man on God's green earth. Carla: I just got my period. (All the men present shudder and groan in disgust.) Carla: This really sucks. I've been trying to get pregnant for two months now. J.D.: I almost bought a baby yesterday. Carla: What? J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't tell them, in case you want it later! J.D.: Nothing. (J.D. exits.) Turk: Don't worry about it, baby, we'll just keep trying. Remember that magazine article I read about how important it is for a man to have a high-protein diet? Carla: Turk, for the last time, you are not eating ribs while we do it. Turk: You never let me have no fun! (Turk exits.) Janitor: You know, I'm not gonna have a kid until that genetic technology they've been talking about is available for everyone. Carla: So you'd want to pick the sex and eye color? Janitor: No. Gills. When that day comes it's goodbye, hospital, hello father-son treasure hunting team. Carla: Wow. Well, you better get cracking. What are you, like, 45? Janitor: 43. I know I look a little older, but that's because I drink and smoke heavily, and work with chemicals, and sleep on my face. Carla: No hard feelings? Janitor: All right. (Carla exits.) Janitor: [to himself] I swear on my unborn fish-boy's life, she will pay. (Dr. Kelso finishes his spoonful of peanut butter.) Dr. Kelso: I need some milk. (Cut to hallway.) Orderly: Yo, Glass Man! J.D.: What's Glass Man? Turk: It's a basketball thing, I'm a great rebounder. J.D.: You know who else is a great rebounder? Dr. Mickhead. (Dr. Mickhead is sitting with a nurse on his lap.) J.D.: His wife was klled on Saturday. Dr. Mickhead: Hey, guys. Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Hey, Mickhead! Turk: The police cleared him yet? J.D.: He's still a person of interest. J.D.'s Narration: There was sexual energy everywhere. (Cut to another hallway.) J.D.'s Narration: For the women, it was because of the dashing new gynecologist, Dr. Matthews. (Dr. Matthews walks by the Nurses' Station as the nurses watch, biting pencils in half. Dr. Cox: Jordan, why would you need seven pap smears in one month? Jordan: I got a lot of pap. Move your head so I can see. (She shoves Dr. Cox out of the way and stares at Dr. Matthews.) (Cut to another hallway.) J.D.'s Narration: And for the men, there was a new, sexy Latina nurse: Nurse Martinez. (Nurse Martinez walks down the hall, followed by several orderlies making dirty gestures.) Nurse Martinez: Would you guys stop doing that? J.D.'s Narration: Yep, there was eye candy for all. And only one thing could upset this delicate balance. Janitor: Wow. She looks like a young Carla. (Carla turns around. The room darkens, and Carla's eyes glow white. She rises off the ground, causes a whirlwind around her and lets out an otherworldly shriek in a fit similar to Storm of the X-Men. Dr. Kelso, Janitor, Turk and J.D. scream in fright. Her shriek causes all the glass in the room to shatter, finishing with Turk shattering into pieces like glass.) J.D.: That's why they call him the glass man. Elliot's apartment. Elliot is eating cereal, and there is a ruckus coming from J.D.'s bedroom. J.D.'s Narration: Julie and I had overslept. We didn't have time for our usual seven minutes of love-making, so we had to fake it. (Cut to J.D.'s bedroom. J.D. and Julie are banging on the wall with their fists.) Julie: Ohh, yeah! Don't stop! J.D.: Pull my hair! Whee! Julie: Shut up and take it, you stupid bitch! J.D.: OK, we can stop there. Um, now it's time to ring the sex gong. Julie: What? J.D.: Uh, Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown. We're supposed to ring them whenever each one of us gets lucky. And even though I don't live with him anymore, I like to think that somewhere, somehow he hears it and it makes him happy. Julie: That's so funny. (Julie rings the gong. Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment. Turk is on the couch, eating cereal and he hears a gong.) Turk: Yeah, buddy! Ha ha! That's my dog. (Cut to Hospital Admissions Area. Elliot and J.D. enter.) J.D.: Hope my gong wasn't too loud for you this morning. I know it can be. It's a loud gong! I mean, it's like, gonnggg! Elliot: J.D., I knew you were faking it because at the end you didn't say "bmb away." J.D.: How could I forget my sexiest move? J.D.'s Thoughts: Great, now Julie thinks I'm lame, and weird and pathetic. Elliot: J.D., she likes you. Just do yourself a favor and stay out of your head for once. J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, from this moment on, I am officially out of my head. Carla's Thoughts: Ugh, I'm an old hag. I mean look at her, everything's so tight and perky. Come on, Carla, it's not her fault. Just do what you always do and turn the other cheek. And quietly spread the rumor that she's a guy. (Turk enters.) Carla: Hey, Turk, guess what. Turk: She's not a guy, honey. Besides, "young Carla" is a compliment. Carla: Really? So how would you feel if said, "hey, it's skinny Turk?" Carla's Thought's: And now his boyfriend will comfort him. J.D.: Don't listen to her, brown bear, your body is fierce! Turk: Is it? J.D.: Like Taye Diggs'! Turk: Taye Diggs. (Turk and J.D. exit.) Carla's Narration: Luckily, I had a best friend, too. Elliot: So, uh, what did "her" name used to be? Carla: Hm, how about Alberto? Elliot: I'll spread the word. Carla: [to herself] Alberto. (Cut to cafeteria.) Turk: So when am I gonna get to meet Julie? J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her? Turk: What are you doing? J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so I don't mess this relationship up. Turk: I don't understand. J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Julie: Did you know J.D.'s parents thought he was going to be a girl? They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was three years old they called him Joanna. Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this. (Dr. Cox kisses Julie on the forehead. Cut to hallway. Dr. Mickhead gives Julie a hammer.) Dr. Mickhead: So what do you think? Julie: Sure, I guess I can hide this in my basement for you. Dr. Mickhead: OK, great, great. (J.D. enters, takes the hammer from Julie and wipes it clean with his shirt.) J.D.: You know what, let's just give that back. Thanks, nice to see you Mickhead. (J.D. takes Julie away, whispering something to her. Julie looks back at Dr. Mickhead, shocked. Cut to another hallway.) Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D. So it's going to take a lot for you to win me over. Julie: Uh, J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather. (Billy Dee Williams enters.) Billy Dee Williams: Yeah, Julie's a great girl. Turk: YAAAAHHAAHAAAA HHAAHAAA! Lando Calrissian! Come here! (Turk hugs Billy Dee Williams.) Billy Dee Williams: Oh, you can call me Billy Dee. Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes. (Cut to a trendy bar.) Elliot: Look, Julie, you already won Carla and me over because you're nice to J.D. And you won Jordan over because you bought the first round. (Carla enters with a round of shts.) Carla: I got lemon drops! Elliot: Oh, Carla, the last time I did one of those I agreed to go on a date with a chick in my Art History class. Mm-mm. Jordan: Yeah, can we go somewhere less college-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school. Carla: We aren't too old to hang out here. Come on. (Elliot gives an iffy wave.) Elliot: Mmmm... Carla's Thoughts: OK, time to dial up the Spanish. That always makes them feel guilty that they haven't spent more time around minorities. Carla: Come on, mis amigas, we don't have to vámonos, pretty please? Jordan: All right. Julie: All right. Elliot: Let's do it. Carla: To being young! (They toast with the shts. Scene changes to later in the evening. The table is full of empty sht glasses and drink glasses. Carla is slurring her speech. Jordan is passed out on her barstool. Elliot is chatting up another girl.) Carla: You guys, for real, you're my best friends. Elliot: So, Carol, did you like jazz? Carol: Ha ha, yeah! Elliot: How much? (Cut to cafeteria. Dr. Cox enters with Turk and J.D.) Dr. Cox: Aaand, look what we have here. It is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young... Julie: Good morning! Dr. Cox: ...the slightly older... Elliot: Please stop talking. Dr. Cox: ...the slightly older still... Carla: [gibberish] Dr. Cox: ...and lastly, the very, very, very old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakable. Witness: (Dr. Cox begins shaking Jordan.) Dr. Cox: Jordaroo! Jordalicious! Jordaroni! Uh-huh. (Dr. Cox exits.) J.D.: Ha! We'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen. How very generous. Julie: That's so funny! J.D.: Yeah. (Turk and J.D. go to the coffee machine) Turk: Dude, Julie's awesome. J.D.: Doesn't it bother you that she never laughs at anything? Turk: What do you mean? J.D.: I mean when something's funny she never laughs. She just says "that's so funny." It's kind of annoying. (Cut to doctor's lounge.) Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you. This is a safe space. But you are such a commit-ophobe. Every time you date a girl with actual potential, you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Mini McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumple Fugly, I'm forgetting someone. Carla's Thought's: Oh, my God, Turk, if you forget Elliot, she's going to cry. (Elliot is fighting back tears.) Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all? (Carla nods towards Elliot.) Turk: Heidi Horseface! Elliot: [near tears] Me! Turk, she is talking about me. OK? J.D.: Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt. Elliot: Really? Ha! Sorry, Turk. Carla: J.D. There's somebody else here who wants to say something. Billy Dee Williams: Hey, don't mess this up, man. Be smooth. Turk: Lando's right. Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee! Turk: [mouths] Lando. Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap, but darn it all, you've finally found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me. Elliot: Don't screw this up J.D., or you're going to end up where you always do. Lying on that couch in the fetal position, wishing you hadn't driven another one away. Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd -- she'd agree. Aw, now who put that fake arrow through her head? Huh? Which one of you? [pause] It was me. I did it. (Cut to Half-Acre. J.D. is preparing a barbeque.) J.D.: I gotta get cooking. People are going to be here for this barbeque any second. Julie: So your friends really like me? J.D.: They're crazy about you. They're worried I'm gonna mess this whole thing up. Julie: Nah. You're not gonna be a jerk and do something like that, are you? J.D.: The only jerk around here is the spicy marinade on this Jamaican chicken, mon. Julie: That's so funny. J.D.: It is, Julie, it -- it is. Why do you always do that? Julie: Do what? J.D.: Well you never laugh when something's funny. You just say "that's so funny." Julie: Does that bother you? (J.D. gives her an embarrassed smile. Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Carla and Dr. Kelso are in the room.) Janitor: Don't mean to bother anybody. I'm just showing Nurse Martinez here around the hospital. That is our Chief of Medicine, that is a patient, and that is you in twenty years. OK, let's go look at d*ad people. (Janitor and Nurse Martinez exit.) Carla: That nurse makes me feel so damn old. Dr. Kelso: Oh, calm down, Nurse Espinosa. I have it on good authority that she's a dude. Carla: I made that stuff up. Dr. Kelso: Then it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero. (Dr. Kelso exits.) Mrs. Wilk: Sweetie, you're not old. You don't have crows feet, your bra size hasn't gone from a 34B to a 40 long, and you don't have arthritis. Neither do I, but that's how it gets you. Carla's Narration: And then Mrs. Wilk said something that really surprised me. Mrs. Wilk: I mean, it's not like you're trying to get pregnant and you can't. Carla: Actually, I am. Mrs. Wilk: Oh. (Cut to Half-Acre. Carla, Turk and Elliot have joined J.D. and Julie for the barbeque.) Carla's Narration: Of course, none of us were surprised that J.D. made this happen. Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush, crying? J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything. (Elliot and Carla go to talk to Julie.) J.D.: You know what's interesting, Turk? She's not saying "that's so sad," she's actually crying. Turk: You're an idiot. J.D.: Yes, I am. Admissions Area. Carla's Thoughts: I tried, but I just couldn't get babies off my mind. (Carla's fantasy. She sees everyone in the admissions area in diapers.) J.D.: Excuse me, fellas, gotta take a whiz. Wait a minute, why am I rushing? [pause] All right. (End fantasy. Carla walks over to J.D.) Carla: You're disgusting. (Carla exits) J.D.: She's right. I am disgusting. I am disgustingly incapable of carrying on a relationship with someone I actually like. I mean, I apologized to her, so I think we're cool for now, but it won't last. Every time she says "that's so funny" it's - it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Turk: Well you're just too picky about women. J.D.: You used to be the same way. Somehow you got over it and now you're married. Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you. J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney the snapper? Turk: Ugh. (Flashback. Turk's dorm room in college.) Turk: Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for dinner tonight. Whitney: And for dessert, you're going to get a little Whitney a la mode. (Whitney snaps her fingers on "a la mode") Turk: Get out. (End flashback.) Turk: It's...too much. (Cut to Dr. Matthews' office lobby.) Elliot: Carla, you've only been off the pill for two months. Why are you getting a fertility test? Carla's Thoughts: Because I'm old and the crock pot is on the fritz. Carla: No reason. Nurse: Carla Espinosa? Carla: Yes? Nurse: Dr. Matthews will see you now. (Carla gets up, but Elliot pulls her back down.) Elliot: Oh! OK, he is super cute, so do not look into his eyes. You could get lost. Carla: I'll be fine. Elliot: Ask him if he remembers me from my pelvic exam! Ask him! (Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.) Julie: I made popcorn! (She slips and falls over, dropping the bowl.) J.D.: You OK, sweetness? Julie: I'll go make some more. J.D.: All right. [to Turk] Why are we watching a movie again? Turk: It's called immersion therapy. What we're about to watch is going to make her say "that's so funny" so many times that eventually it's not going to bother you anymore. J.D.: But how can you guarantee that she's going to laugh at this movie? Turk: I can't. But Uncle Buck can. (Scene changes to later. Turk, J.D. and Julie are watching the movie.) Julie: That's so funny. That's so funny. Look how big that pancake is, that's so funny. J.D.: [whispering, in agony] Make. Her. Stop. Julie: That's so funny. J.D. Uhhhhhh! (Cut to Dr. Matthews' office.) Carla's Thoughts: This guy's not that hot. Dr. Matthews: Well, you've only been trying for two months, so I don't think you need to worry about a fertility test yet. Unless, of course, you're over 35. Carla's Thoughts: Well, buddy, I'm 36 and OK with it. Dr. Matthews: So how old are you? (Dr. Matthews' and Carla's eyes meet. Dr. Matthews starts glowing.) Carla's Thoughts: Ravish me! Carla: I'm 29. Dr. Matthews: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of 29 year-olds lately. Carla: Oh, my God, really? Dr. Matthews: Like her. (Jordan is standing at the door, wearing a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails.) Jordan: Call me JJ. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) J.D.: The immersion therapy didn't work. Turk: Dude, relax. I was a Psych minor in college. The next time she says "that's so funny," I want you to pretend she says "that's so money." J.D.: Oooh. I like that. Turk: Yeah. It's called a word replacement...ism. Dr. Cox: This is the dumbest conversation I've ever heard. Dr. Kelso: You should hear this one. Elliot: Oh, I remember my first exam with Dr. Matthews. He said "you're very healthy down there." And then I said "right back at'cha." And then there was this weird, little awkward pause, so I said "well, I like to keep a clean shop," and then he asked to see my insurance card. So how did your fertility test go? Carla: He said everything's A-OK. Dr. Kelso & Dr. Cox: [in unison] Oh, that's bull! Turk: Excuse me, sir? Dr. Kelso: I was talking to these ladies. Dr. Cox: I was talking to you ladies. Newbie, listen to me. You never stop being annoyed by the little things, ever. Take, uh, take Gandhi, here. Your wife is the bossiest women I've ever met. You're trying to tell me that you're not bothered by that anymore? Turk: Sometimes I watch Roots to remind myself how good I have it. J.D.: Me too. Dr. Cox: Everyone is annoying. I mean, take -- take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month. (Jordan enters, still wearing her schoolgirl outfit.) Jordan: I'm saving my breast exam for when you go away next month. (Jordan exits.) Dr. Cox: Upsetting, but we persevere. Bottom line, there's no such thing as a perfect person. You, tell her. (Dr. Cox exits.) Turk: All right, if you've found someone who makes you happy just sitting around holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter. (Turk pats J.D. on the shoulder. J.D. takes Turk's hand and moans.) Turk: Dude, not me. J.D.: I know. Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I know you didn't take that fertility test. People think I am some clueless old geezer, but nothing that happens in these hallways gets by me. (Two police officers carry a struggling Dr. Mickhead away.) Dr. Mickhead: It wasn't me! I didn't do it! Carla: It's just that if I take that fertility test and I found out that I missed my window to have a kid, I'll never forgive myself. Dr. Kelso: If you're worried about your biological legacy, as the father of a son who not only wrote a musical based on my life but is currently shacked up with the actor playing me, honestly, sweetheart, it's not all it's cracked up to be. But I know you. You'll find out eventually. So why don't you just turn around and tell him? Carla: Oh. Dr. Matthews? I'm 36. Dr. Matthews: Oh. Well let's get you that fertility test. Carla: OK. Carla's Thoughts: Here goes nothing. (Cut to Elliot's apartment.) J.D.: Ha ha. One-a-day vitamins. I'll tell you how they could double their profits: Two-a-day vitamins. Julie: That's so funny! I'm sorry I said "that's so funny," I know that drives you crazy. J.D.: You know what? I really couldn't care less. Julie: So what do we do now? J.D.: I don't know. I mean, we already got the half-acre, right? And I imagine we'll eventually be able to build a house on it, and a little backyard, room for a slip and slide for our kids, Gilligan and The Skipper. I know, I'm sorry, I gotta do it, I lost a bet to Turk. And I don't want to rush things, but I feel good about this. I don't know, I feel like you and I could go the distance. Julie: Um, actually I meant what do you want to order from take-out for dinner? J.D.: Oh. Tapas. Julie: I love tapas. J.D.: Great for sharing. Julie: Sharing is fun. J.D.: I love it. Just share and... Julie: Share. J.D.: So you really don't think about that kind of stuff? Julie: J.D., I'm only 23, and I don't even know if I want any of that stuff, and certainly not for the five or ten years. J.D.: You know what? We've just started dating, so I have a feeling this conversation goes down a really bad road. Why don't we just say we're never going to talk about it ever again, OK? Julie: OK. J.D.: OK. Julie: OK. Whew. J.D.: OK. So you really feel that way? (Cut to doctor's lounge. J.D. is lying in the fetal position on the couch.) J.D.: So here I am again. I can't believe I broke up with her. Why do I keep doing this? Elliot: J.D., this was totally different. You didn't break up with her because she said "that's so funny," or because she was like Mini McSkinny and singing Christmas carols in the summertime. J.D.: It was August! The weather was far from frightful! Turk: You broke up with her for a real reason. Right, Carla? Carla: Definitely. Carla's Thoughts: Oh, my God, what did I just agree to? All I can think about is getting my test results back. I have to get out of my head. Just say something positive. Carla: She's a keeper, J.D.! You'll never do better. J.D.'s Narration: I guess it's in our nature to think about the future. Especially if our dreams might not come true. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Carla is on the phone.) Carla: Thanks. Thanks, Dr. Matthews, that's great news! (Carla hangs up.) Carla: Turk! Turk: Yeah, baby? Carla: Get over here. (Cut to half-acre. J.D is on the deck. He hears a gong.) J.D.: Yeah, buddy! J.D.'s Narration: As for my future, I had finally gotten to the place where I was looking for the right person. And I knew she was out there. Even if I couldn't quite see her yet. (J.D. spots a lady in the distance. She turns around, but the camera goes out of focus before we can see her face.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x10 - Her story II"}	foreverdreaming
Elliot's apartment. J.D.'s Narration: It's been a week, but for some reason, I'm still having trouble moving past my break-up with Julie. Luckily my roommate knows how to take care of me. (Elliot enters and hangs a cutout of her face over Julie's in the painting of J.D. and Julie, then sits next to J.D.) J.D.: Nice! Now it's a picture of you and me on a unicorn. Elliot: J.D., that's Gary Busey. (J.D. looks at the painting again. It is indeed Gary Busey's face.) J.D.: It's uncanny! (Cut to bathroom. Elliot is showering.) J.D.'s Narration: Now that we lived together, Elliot and I were getting tighter every day. (J.D. enters and dumps a bucket of ice cold water on Elliot over the the shower curtain.) Elliot: AAAAHHH!! OH!! OH, MY GOD, THAT'S COLD!! AAAHHH!!! J.D.!!! J.D.'s Narration: She wasn't great at practical jokes. (Cut to J.D. in the shower. Elliot drops a live raccoon over the shower curtain, causing him to yell in pain. Cut to living room. J.D. enters, running, tangled in the shower curtain. He runs head on into a cabinet and knocks himself out. Cut to hospital parking lot. J.D. is riding his scooter.) J.D.'s Narration: But still, we'd become inseparable. (Elliot is on roller blades, riding behind J.D.'s scooter on a tow rope. She nearly runs into a nurse and orderly. She ducks and they jump over the rope.) Elliot: Thanks for the ride, buddy! See you upstairs! (Elliot drops the tow rope, then hurdles over a stretcher.) Elliot: Todd, gn show! (Todd flexes his arms, which Elliot uses as a pivot to turn into the hospital.) Todd: [to an elderly lady passing by] Don't worry, man, I got covers for these. You can touch them, the safety's on. Doosh! (Cut to ICU.) Patient: I keep getting lightheaded and passing out but you haven't seen it because it only happens when I yawn. Dr. Cox: No problem. Newbie, quick, tell him a story. J.D.: Lay off Bob, OK? I'm still upset about this whole Julie thing... (The patient yawns and passes out on his tray of food.) J.D.: You know in high school once, there was a... (Dr. Cox yawns and falls over backwards.) J.D.: Hope that hurt. (Dr. Cox stands up.) Dr. Cox: Totally worth it. Now, I need one of you two clowns to do a neurological workup on this guy. It's going to be a giant pain in the ass. Elliot: Hm. (Elliot rolls away on her roller blades.) Dr. Cox: Hmm, Newbie. Looks like it's you. All the best. (Dr. Cox exits.) J.D.: Damn those roller blades. OK, everybody, let's gather round. J.D.'s Narration: After six months on the job, some interns can become completely overwhelmed. J.D.: Where's Rex? Jason: He's gone fetal again. J.D.: Put a blankie on him. Keith: I've got it! (Keith wraps Rex in a blanket and comforts him.) J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, young Keith had become competent so quickly that every word out of his chiseled mouth came tainted with an arrogant smugness that he couldn't hide no matter how hard he tried. Keith: Is there anything else I can do, Dr. Dorian? J.D.'s Narration: Right on cue. J.D.: No, Keith. All I need right now is a sip of your coffee to make me feel warm in my belly. (J.D. snatches Keith's coffee cup and spills it on himself.) J.D.: Aww, Keith, look what you did! Keith: Dr. Dorian, take my shirt. (J.D. removes his shirt Keith removes his shirt and offers it to J.D.) J.D.: You think you're better than me? With your rock-hard abs, and your dynamite areolas? You're not. (J.D. turns to leave, and reveals that his back is covered in cuts and scratches from the raccoon. The interns gasp.) Jason: Dr. D, what's on your back? J.D.: Those, Jason, are the panicked scratches of the adolescent raccoon. Though until animal control can get into my home, it's currently residing in my sock drawer. J.D.'s To clear my head, I decided to give scooter-blading a try. (Cut to hospital parking lot. Elliot is driving J.D.'s scooter as J.D. tries to ride behind on roller blades.) J.D.: I got this! Start it, Grandma! Elliot: OK. (Elliot revs the scooter up. J.D. loses control and drops the tow rope. Janitor is in the process of tossing a garbage bag over the fence when he notices.) Janitor: [to himself] Hm? (Janitor runs into J.D.'s path with a cinder block and piece of plywood. He takes a hasty measurement, then creates a ramp, and runs offscreen.) Janitor: Mmhmm. (Janitor backs a van up behind the ramp. J.D. hits the ramp and crashes into the side of the van. Janitor opens the sliding door.) Janitor: Woohoo! That was close. ICU. J.D. enters massaging his forehead. J.D.: Ugh. Keith: You OK, Dr. Dorian? J.D.: Keith, it's like you're begging me to hate you. Keith: I don't feel like I am. J.D.: You can't stop, can you? (Dr. Cox enters and whistles at J.D.) Dr. Cox: Newbie, today! (Dr. Cox drags him towards Mrs. Wilk's room. J.D.'s Narration: We were both a little edgy because our favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, had developed a lung infection and needed to be intubated for a week. So basically, we had to put her in a coma. Of course, at her age, there's always a chance that she'll never wake up. (J.D. and Dr. Cox enter Mrs. Wilk's room.) J.D.: A whole week of sleep. You're gonna have some kller bed head. I'm nervous, I'm sorry, I love bed head, look, check this. Dr. Cox: Marge, the patient should not have to be braver than you. Mrs. Wilk: Go easy on him, he's my fellow. Now listen. If this doesn't work, I want you to just let me go. Don't let me linger. J.D.'s Narration: Even though you'd think we'd all be used to this kind of stuff by now, when a patient has been around for a while, it gets to everyone., no matter how long they've been here. (Pan to show Elliot, Carla, Turk and Dr. Kelso watching through the window.) Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, you're a surgeon, when did you ever deal with Mrs. Wilk? (Flashback. Mrs. Wilk's room. Turk is dancing as Mrs. Wilk stops the music on a boom box on her lap.) Mrs. Wilk: You're not extending your arm. It's called "pop and lock," Christopher, not "pop and dangle." Turk: OK. Mrs. Wilk: OK? (Mrs. Wilk starts the music again and Turk begins dancing.)' Turk: Oh! OK! Uh-huh! Mrs. Wilk: You're getting it now, baby! You're getting! Turk: I'll see you later, baby! Mrs. Wilk: Little Michael! Little Michael! (End flashback.) Turk: Changed my life. J.D.: All right. Here we go. See you in a couple days. Mrs. Wilk: Let's hope so. J.D.'s Narration: Everyone has their own way of getting stuff off their minds. (Cut to gym. Turk is lifting weights.) J.D.'s Narration: Some like to work it off. (Cut to the bar. Dr. Cox orders a drink.) J.D.'s Narration: Others try to drink it away. (Cut to a body-piercing parlor. J.D. sits in the chair.) J.D.'s Narration: For me, I had heard that the piercing girl at the mall was easy. J.D.: Thanks for penciling me in. Piercing Girl: Mmhmm. J.D.: Maybe later, you can show me where else you're pierced. Piercing Girl: Why wait till later? J.D.: All right. (She grabs J.D. in a headlock and wrestles him to the floor. Popping noises from the piercing gn are heard.) J.D.: Ahh! Uhhg! Ahh! Uggh! (They stand up. J.D. has piercings all over his face.) J.D.: I feel so close to you right now. (The Piercing Girl unzips J.D.'s pants off screen and sht him with the gn.) J.D.: [high pitched] HOOOOO!! (Cut to gym. Turk finishes a set as Carla and and Elliot enter.) Elliot: Why do I always forget that I'm lactose intolerant? Turk: What are you guys doing down here? Elliot: Well, we were so bummed about Mrs. Wilk that we inhaled six gallons of ice cream. Carla: Would you tell Dr. Kelso to make this gym more female friendly? Elliot: Yeah, there's like no equipment for women down here. Todd: You know where there's all kinds of equipment for women? Todd-land. Turk: Dammit, Todd, what did I tell you about talking like that around my wife? Todd: Wait until she leaves and then say it? Turk: Exactly! (To Elliot and Carla) You're welcome. (Cut to the bar. Janitor enters.) Janitor: You saving this seat for your ex-wife? Dr. Cox: No, no. She's uh, she's over there. (Dr. Cox points to a table in the corner where Jordan is cherries from a guy's hand.) Guy: Do you know that guy pointing us? Jordan: No. You should fight him. Dr. Cox: One rule. No yapping. The only thing I want to hear is the sound of my liver drunkenly singing rugby songs. Janitor: Calm down. I'm not even here. Seriously. My shift at the hospital doesn't end for three hours. I hate that place and everyone in it. Dr. Cox: I'll drink to hate. Cheers. (Scene changes to later in the evening. The bar is covered with empty beer mugs and sht glasses.) Dr. Cox: Ha ha ha! You're right. You know what else I hate about Kelso? Janitor: Hmm. Dr. Cox: His hair smells like a pet store. Janitor: Oh, actually, that;s my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat. Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat. Janitor: No? Dr. Cox: No. Janitor: What the hell am I putting in there? Jordan: Per, we're giving Bobby a ride home. Say goodnight to your girlfriend, I'm sure he'll be here tomorrow. Janitor: I will. Not that it matters. Dr. Cox: Not that I care. Jordan: Perry! Door closes at midnight! Ugh! Dr. Cox: Yeah, I gotta go. Janitor: Yup. (Cut to Nurses' Station. Elliot is examining J.D.'s piercing wounds.) J.D.: I tell you, I am done trying to pick up the random ladies, because every time I do, I end up with a bunch of face holes and an emerald stud in my peep. J.D.'s Thoughts: Which I'm keeping. Turk: Dude, you're surrounded by female interns who'd do anything to get with the big, bad attending. Make a booty call. Carla: He's right, people have been making booty calls since the dawn of time. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. J.D. is a caveman, lying in bed with a cavewoman. J.D. gets up to leave.) Cavewoman: Cronk! Why you go now? J.D.: Oh, hey, you're up. Umm, look, I don't what you're looking for, but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird, so we've all been in mourning about that, and, um, my brother at my foot. But you were just fantastic. The things you were doing last night, they were, well, crazy. OK? Uh, so when I clear my own stuff up, I'd love to maybe get back together with you. Cavewoman: Hungry. J.D.: OK, I should really go. (End flashback.) J.D.: You know what? I'll do it. If my partner in crime here will join me. Elliot: Ugh, J.D., booty calls are pathetic. Carla: More pathetic than emailing your high school boyfriend to see if his marriage is holding up, hello? (Carla and Turk high-five.) Turk: Black hand-slap. Elliot: Uh-huh Carla, Mike Gorski wrote "keep in touch" in my yearbook, and that's all I'm doing, OK? Yes, he did say that his wife, Carol, is his "soulmate," and yes, they also have adorable twins, but he also said that he wishes she knew how to ski, so let's just see if they're still together, come winter. Yes, J.D., I will do this with you. (Elliot exits, dragging J.D. with her.) Turk: Oh, Dr. Kelso. (Turk exits after Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Where, uh, where's your wife going? Carla: He's gonna go ask Dr. Kelso if he can get some equipment for women in the gym. Dr. Cox: Oh, that is so nice. Carla: My baby's learning. (Cut to Dr. Kelso's office. Turk is about to knock on the door, but Dr. Cox stops him.) Turk: Oh! Dr. Cox: Are you crazy? Why would you want your wife in the gym? Turk: Because, unlike you, I don't hate my wife. Dr. Cox: Yet. You don't hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh? You go to work, she's there. You go out, she's there. And when you go home, where is she? Turk: There. Dr. Cox: Ding! Women are everywhere. Except for the gym. That's why it's such a magical place. Don't ruin that, don't be that guy. Come on, you're so much more than that. [wishpering] I'm begging you. (Cut to the bar. An old lady sits next to Dr. Cox.) Dr. Cox: Uh, ma'am, I'm actually saving that for someone. Lady: Oh, that's not allowed. Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Say, that's some real nice pants you have on. Lady: Oh, well thank you. It's 40% off. Dr. Cox: What do you say you swing by my place and see if we can't get it 100% off? (The lady exits, affronted. Janitor enters. Dr. Cox slides a beer down the bar to him.) Dr. Cox: Had to be done. Janitor: Thanks, chief, I got your next one. Dr. Cox: Don't mention it. Janitor: So I'm late because Dorian parked his scooter behind my new van. Dr. Cox: Ohh. Janitor: Practically punctured a tire backing over the thing. Kid drives me crazy. Dr. Cox: Got a new van, huh? Janitor: Well, you blew up the old one over a bet, remember? Dr. Cox: Right. Ah, Dorian drives me crazy, too. But, what are you gonna do about it? (Cut to J.D.'s bedroom. J.D. is asleep. Dr. Cox and Janitor stand over him, sipping beers.) Janitor: Stole this from his locker. (Janitor holds up a key.) Janitor: I come by here a couple times a week and just move stuff around, turn off his alarm, maybe cut off his bangs. Dr. Cox: Well, you're clearly in need of help, but gosh-darn it, I'm not gonna give it to you. How sound asleep do you think he really is? Janitor: Well, watch this. (Janitor kicks J.D's mattress.) J.D.: [in his sleep] What? Janitor: So what now? (Cut to hospital parking lot. J.D's bed (With J.D. still in it) has been moved to the middle of the parking lot. An ambulance is parked right behind him and the siren goes off.) J.D.: WAAH! Naked. Excellent. Who took my emerald? (Cut to hospital.) J.D.'s Narration: After paying the Janitor the unreasonable sum of $90 to move my bed back home... (Cut to hospital parking lot. J.D.'s bed is on fre as Janitor counts a wad of cash. Cut back to hospital) J.D.'s Narration: ...Elliot and I decided to round up out interns to pick out our respective booty calls. (J.D. and Elliot enter the doctor's lounge, where the interns are assembled.) J.D.'s Narration: Welcome to Fugly-ville. Elliot: J.D., I really don't want to do this. Can't we just go home and put on our PJ's and watch Grey's Anatomy? J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV. Elliot: Ha! Yeah. J.D.: Hmm. (Elliot and J.D. exit. Cut to Dr. Kelso's office.) J.D.'s Narration: Carla listened at the door while I was helping Turk ask Dr. Kelso for new gym equipment. Dr. Kelso: What do you want? J.D.'s Narration: And then, Turk lied. Turk: Sir, we're here on behalf of Dr. Bianca. You know, the albino radiologist? Dr. Kelso: Oh, Jim! Who did he get pregnant this time? I tell you, the ladies can not resist that ivory rascal. Turk: Sir, Jim is demanding that he get new equipment in his lab. Dr. Kelso: Demanding? (Cut to outside the office. Carla scrambles out of the way as the door opens and Dr. Kelso shoves J.D. and Turk out. Dr. Kelso: There is no way in hell that Jim (gym) is getting new equipment! Turk: Sorry, baby. I tried. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. A nurse is adjusting an IV drip.) J.D.: Is there any change? Nurse: She's still the same. J.D.'s Narration: I guess in the back of my mind, I was hoping for a pleasant surprise. Because around here, most of them are unpleasant. Like when a guy you thought you connected with, suddenly turns on you... (Cut to hallway. Janitor is hanging out with a group of custodial workers. Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Hey, how's the day treating you big, guy? Janitor: You're not talking to me, are you, Doogie? Dr. Cox: Doogie? Janitor: This is a doctor no-fly zone, bubs. Speaking of flies, yours is down. (Dr. Cox checks his fly.) Janitor: Oh no! He fell for the grade school zinger! You gotta go. Back to the game, boys. (Dr. Cox exits, confused. Cut to Nurses' Station.) Carla: And you guys would not believe how hard my man fought for us. Turk: Well, you know, ladies, I do what I do, when I do what I do. J.D.'s Narration: ...Or your boss blows your cover. (Dr. Kelso enters.) Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have reconsidered your request, and I decided to give old Jim that new MRI machine. Turk: Woo. [offscreen] See, no, baby, wait. Aaah! (Cut to Elliot's apartment.) J.D.'s Narration: Of course, my surprise came the next morning when I found out that Elliot had broken our no booty call agreement with my nemesis (J.D. enters the kitchen. Elliot is wrapped in a sheet, and Keith is wearing a pink robe.) J.D.: Why is he wearing my robe? Keith: It fits me. Elliot's apartment. Elliot is still wearing only a sheet and Keith is in J.D.'s robe. Elliot: J.D., I can explain. (J.D. finds some empty condom wrappers.) J.D.: Oh, you did it twice! Somebody's a stud. We got a stud alert in here. Woop! Woop! Woop! (J.D. finds a huge pile of condom wrappers. He picks them up and lets them fall.) J.D.: OK. This is just mathematically impossible. Elliot: Keith, Dr. Dorian and I have to go to work now, OK? So why don't you just clean all this up and drop off my laundry and then bring me a cup of coffee to the hospital? Run along, quick like a bunny. Keith: Sure thing, Elliot. (Keith exits.) Elliot: Keith! It's after nine. It's Dr. Reid now. Keith: Dr. Reid. Dr. Reid. Elliot: I love booty calls. Ha! J.D.: [looking at a large condom wrapper] "El Toro Grande?" I'm not familiar with this brand. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) J.D.: No change. Her FiO2 is still 50%. (Keith enters with a cup of coffee.) Elliot: I said no cream. (Keith exits.) Elliot: I didn't say no cream. It's like having a sex puppy. What's your problem? J.D.: I gotta tell you, I can't stand that guy. Elliot: J.D., he's just a booty call. Say the word and I'll end it. J.D.: I'd appreciate it if you did. Elliot: Oh, my God, you've turned Keith into forbidden fruit. I must have him now! (Elliot exits the room.) Elliot: [to Keith] Heel! Kk-kk-kk. (Elliot and Keith exit.) Janitor: Oh, hey, bud. Check out my new mop bling. Bling! (Janitor shows Dr. Cox an emerald stud on the end of his mop.) Janitor: It's cool. Cleaned it. Dr. Cox: Oh, so now we're pals again? I gotta be honest with you, I'm a little confused there, Sasquatch. Janitor: I got a rep to protect, OK? I'm sort of seen as the king of the working folk. If they catch me hob-nobbing with a doctor-type, well, suffice it to say I won't get my cut of all the prosthetics we looted from the storage room. Dr. Cox: How's that? Janitor: We sell the feet to college kids for $500 a pop. Apparently, they smoke something out of them. Dr. Cox: Let me get this straight. You are embarrassed to be seen with me? Janitor: At the hospital. At the bar, we can hang out all we want. (A group of hospital workers walks by with a box of prosthetic limbs.) Janitor: You rich, yacht-owning punk! You think -- they're gone. It's cool. See you at the bar. (Janitor exits. Jordan enters.) Jordan: Aww, sweetie. Do you want me to call his mommy and tell her he's being mean to you? My fwiend is mean to me, wah! (Jordan exits. Cut to Admissions Area.) Turk: Listen. Honey, I know you're angry. But look what I found in my locker: a wad of cash. Now you can buy those shoes you always wanted. Carla: I'm not mad about that gym thing. Sign this, please? (She hands Turk a chart.) Turk: Any of you ladies have a pen? Carla: Woo! (Carla dives on the floor as a half dozen nurses throw pens at Turk.) Turk: Whoa! Yow! YOW! (Carla stands up.) Carla: Ah. Turk: You set me up! Baby, you are mad. Look, it's not a crime for me to want to have one place that I can hang out by myself. Carla: Turk, I am not mad, OK? Now staple these please. Turk: Anybody got a stapl-- (All the nurses raise staplers in the air, ready to throw.) Turk: Hey! Hey. (Cut to ICU.) J.D.'s Narration: I promised myself I would pick on Keith, but this one he had coming. J.D: OK, guys, gather round, gather round. Your hero, Keith, here forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning. And guess what? He's dad. Way to go, there, Keith. Keith: I've never even seen this guy before. J.D.: Oh, way to get to know your patients, there, mrder. Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue? J.D.: [whispering] Doug, I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I would have him back by two. It is 1:45. Doug: Now I have to take him back down to the basement and I don't even have my gurney. I hate dad people. (Doug attempts to pick Mr. joy up in a fireman's carry.) J.D.: All right, the real reason I brought Mr. Joy up here was for a teaching exercise. Can anyone figure out what the cause of death may have been? Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his IV, you smothered him with one of your love handles. J.D.: What did you say Keith? Keith: Dr. Reid told me that if you picked on me, I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique. J.D.: Well, I'm not. Doug: [straining] Please, no one help. He's not heavy at all. J.D.: You know, Keith, I think out of professional decorum, we should refrain from talking about Dr. Reid. He's boinking her, everyone. That's why he gets special treatment. What did she say to do if I said that? Keith: Page her. Elliot: Hello. (Elliot picks up J.D. by the throat with one arm.) J.D.: [choking] Ack. I forgot how strong you are when you're mad. (Cut to hallway. Janitor is with a group of workers.) Dr. Cox: Hey, uh, can I talk to you for a second? Janitor: What's the matter, Sally? The vending machine is out of bras again? Worker: Nice, you tell him. Janitor: [whispering] What's up, buddy? Dr. Cox: Well, nothing really, I just thought your friends over there might be interested in seeing this photo of us I took with my cell phone the other night. (Dr. Cox unrolls a large poster showing Dr. Cox and Janitor posing over J.D.'s bed in the parking lot.) Dr. Cox: I'm going to airbrush "friends forever" on it and then I'm going to hang these bad boys all over the hospital. (Janitor pushes Dr. Cox into an elevator and follows. Dr. Kelso is there.) Dr. Cox: Oh, evocative. Janitor: Give it to me. (Dr. Cox holds it out of reach.) Dr. Cox: You want it? Come and get it. Come on, get it! Dr. Kelso: Gentlemen, let's try to be professional. (Dr. Kelso notices Doug in the corner, holding a body bag.) Doug: I left my gurney downstairs in the morgue. Dr. Kelso: You're a superstar. (Cut to hallway. Turk and Carla are waiting for the elevator.) Turk: Ain't nobody in this state gonna kll me, woman. Carla: Well, you know what bothers me? You whining about me being in your space when you're the one who never wants to be alone. I mean for God's sake... (The elevator arrives, with Dr. Cox, and Janitor arguing while Doug and Dr. Kelso watch. The arguments drown each other out. Cut to Elliot and J.D. waiting for the elevator.) J.D.: Doughy physique, Elliot? Doughy physique? Elliot: Well, if the pear-shaped shirt fits, wear it! J.D.: I am ashamed of you, OK, do you know petty it is to get that personal? (The elevator arrives. Everyone is arguing.) J.D.: Once, when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her. (Everyone stops and turns to look at J.D. J.D. gets on the elevator, followed by Elliot.) Elliot: Dammit, I had been stung by a jellyfish! (They all resume arguing loudly in the elevator, until everyone's pager beeps. Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox and J.D are in the room, while Carla, Elliot, Turk and Dr. Kelso watch from the window. ) J.D.'s Narration: Around here it can feel like good things never happen. (Mrs. Wilk wakes up.) Dr. Cox: Good to see you, you old bird. Mrs. Wilk: did I miss anything? J.D.: I'll catch you up later. J.D.'s Narration: Of course, when they do, all the petty little arguments fade away. (Cut to the gym, with equipment for the women. Carla is on treadmill and Jordan is on an elliptical. J.D.'s Narration: And you don't mind waiting a little longer for your workout... (Cut to hallway. Dr. Cox passes by the Janitor amidst a group of workers.) J.D.'s Narration: ...Or your bar friend not being your work friend. (Cut to Elliot's apartment.) J.D.'s Narration: Because the truth is, when you put stuff into perspective, the little things will never bother you again. (Keith enters, wearing a towel.) Keith: Good morning, Dr. D. Dr. Reid told me to get my sweet ass out of the shower and make her an omelet. You want one? J.D.'s Thoughts: Did I say never?	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x11 - My Buddy's Booty"}	foreverdreaming
J.D.'s Bedroom. J.D. is asleep. J.D.'s Narration: The worst thing about Elliot having picked my annoying intern, Keith, as her permanent booty call is that if he's had a few beers, he sometimes forgets which room is hers. (Keith climbs into J.D.'s bed and kisses him on the neck.) Keith: I'm here, lover. J.D.: [asleep] Tender. (Cut to ICU.) J.D.: In my defense, Keith's a decent kisser and anyone waking up that way would let out a pleasure moan. Turk: Same thing happened to me in college. J.D.: Really? What guy drunkenly kissed you while you were sleeping? (They look at each other in horrified realization.) J.D.'s Narration: And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered the incident we managed to block out for 12 years. Turk: Uh, you OK with us not hanging out for a couple of weeks? J.D.: Totally. Turk: OK. (Turk exits.) J.D.'s Narration: I was going to miss Turk but luckily, my favorite intern was around to cheer me up: Jason Cabbagio. Or as I had brilliantly nicknamed him... (Jason is struggling with an IV) J.D.: Cabbage! Jason & Mark: [in unison] Yes, sir? J.D.: Oh, no Mark, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Cabbage. Mark: Well, my last name is Cabbage. J.D.: I know that, but I've nicknamed you "Wolfman" because of your keen sense of smell. J.D.'s Thoughts: And your ridiculously hairy torso. J.D.: Now, what can I do you for? Jason: Dr. D, is the IV supposed to leak like this? J.D.: Well, yes and no, mostly no, really - really, all no. But don't worry, I got your back. First thing is, take a little nipper yourself. (J.D. takes a sip from the leaking IV line then sprays Jason with it.) J.D.: Oh, got some on you, look out! OK, that's some of the fun that you can have, but no , seriously watch and learn, watch and learn. (J.D. starts fixing the line.) Jason: It's an honor to watch you work, sir. J.D.: Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in. J.D.'s Narration: Yes, I like some interns more than others, but I never let my personal feelings affect my professional behavior. (Keith enters, his scrubs spattered with blood.) J.D.: You're late, Keith! Which doesn't surprise me because you're a bad person. Keith: Sir, they needed help with a sh*ting victim downstairs. J.D.: Lies will get you nowhere, Keith. Keith: I'm covered in his blood. J.D.: That could be anyone's blood. (Carla enters with a patient in a wheelchair.) Carla: Here's the gn victim from downstairs. gn Victim: Hey, look! My blood. J.D.: That's not your blood. gn Victim: Yes it is. J.D.: Quiet time. (Cut to hallway.) Turk: All right, listen. If Mr. Burton wants the surgery, you just call me on my celly. Elliot: Cool, what's your number? Turk: You have my number. Elliot: I don't, I changed phones. Turk: Oh. But you didn't switch out the old numbers into the new phone? Elliot: Yeah, but I decided just to put a couple of emergency numbers on here... (Turk snatches Elliot's phone out of her hand and looks in the address book.) Turk: "The Butterball Turkey help line." This one just says "That guy in the restaurant." Elliot: Hey, I really clicked with "that guy in the restaurant," OK? We spent all night talking about...something, OK? Look, Turk, if I need you I can just call Carla. It's not like we hang out just the two of us anymore. I bet you don't have my number in your cell. (Turk shows Elliot his phone. It reads:) "Elliot Home Elliot Work Elliot Cell Elliot's Parents (in case Elliot isn't reachable)" (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) J.D.'s Narration: Not even Keith could bum me out because everyone's favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, is going going home today. Mrs. Wilk: I'm sure not going to miss this food. Carla: Well, the nurses and I got you this. (Carla holds up a large poster-sized card that says "Congratulations" on the front.) Carla: Huh? Mrs. Wilk: Ohh! Carla: You should see the size of the stationery store. (They all laugh) J.D.'s Narration: That was a huge courtesy laugh, because I was about to trump Carla's goodbye gift like nobody's business. J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I remembered how much you like basketball, so I got you a DVD of the NBA's "All Time Greatest Centers of All Time" signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Mrs. Wilk: Oh, J.D., this is so sweet. J.D.'s Thoughts: Winner! (Keith enters.) Keith: My gift is in the same vein. J.D.: Oh, is it, Keith? Keith: Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is on my dad's flag football team. (Kareem Abdul Jabbar enters.) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hi, Patricia. Mrs. Wilk: Oh! (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks at the DVD.) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: That's not my signature. Did you sign this? It's illegal. J.D.: OK. Back to the psych ward, Mr. Rosenberg. Crazy. Admissions Area J.D.'s Narration: That morning seemed like any other. Dr. Mickhead was back, having beaten the rap on mrder his spouse. (Dr. Mickhead enters, with a stack of orange jumpsuits.) Dr. Mickhead: Anyone want a cool prison jumpsuit? (Everyone rushes to get one.) J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso was having his daily staring contest with the last double chocolate chocolate-chip muffin. Dr. Kelso: Let's end this charade. You win again. You always do. (Dr. Kelso takes a bite the muffin. A black lands on his arm, pecks at the muffin, takes off and lands in a wreath.) Dr. Kelso: Would someone explain what that bird is doing in my hospital? Janitor: Sanchez appears to be flying, sir. I've named him Sanchez. He set up shop in that old wreath, there. I'd take it down, but the patients around here really seem to love the little guy. Dr. Kelso: That disease-infested scavenger is a serious health risk! Janitor: Oh. Dr. Kelso: do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital? (Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Your breath? (Dr. Cox exits.) Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital? (Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Your breath. Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense. Dr. Cox: Hmm. Don't care. (Dr. Cox exits.) Dr. Kelso: Look. Infection can start with a simple sneeze... (A boy sneezes and his mother wipes his nose. Her hand glows green to show that it is now infected.) Dr. Kelso: ...and then a handshake... (The woman shakes hands with a doctor. The doctor's hand glows green.) Dr. Kelso: ...perhaps an accidental collision... (A nurse bumps into the doctor, causing his paperwork to fall. She helps him pick it up, and her hand glows green.) Dr. Kelso: ...then a simple touch on the shoulder. (The nurse touches a patient on the shoulder, which then glows green.) Dr. Kelso: And just like that, you have a patient in trouble. (Todd enters. His mouth, crotch and butt are glowing green.) Todd: Chinatown is awesome. Dr. Kelso: I want that bird gone. (Dr. Kelso exits. Keith and J.D. enter) J.D.: Keith, I realize you'd like to be at your grandmother's funeral on Saturday, heck, we all would. But you can't just take a day off whenever you feel like it. Keith: Then how come Cabbage got Saturday off so he could go see King Kong? J.D.: Because, Keith, Cabbage is an ape enthusiast. Show him a little. (Cabbage beats his chest, blows raspberries and screeches like an ape.) J.D.: It's like I'm at the zoo. Put the thing in your mouth, when you... (Cabbage pretends to pull something from his hair and eat it.) J.D.: Yeah! (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Turk hugs her.) Turk: See you, Mrs. Wilk. Mrs. Wilk: I'm gonna miss you. Elliot: I'm going to miss our late night talks. Mrs. Wilk: You can call me any time you want, sweetie. Elliot: Got you number right here on my phone. [to Turk] Sorry. Turk: Don't even worry about it. It's OK. (The exit the room.) Turk: We are so not cool. Elliot: We're not? Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It was a simple... Turk: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... (Then enter Mr. Burton's room.) Turk & Elliot: [in unison] Mr. Burton, hey! Elliot: Now, in a few minutes, I'm be coming get you for your aortic bi-fem bypass surgery. Turk: And if there's anything we can do for you, just let us know. Mr. Burton: Well, if I don't make it, I want you to make sure my sons gets this note. Turk & Elliot: [in unison] Done. (Cut to a birdcage. A cell phone inside is ringing. Sanchez lands in the birdcage and Janitor shuts the door.) Janitor: Oh-ho-ho, I can't believe you fell for that. Why would that call have been for you? It's my cell phone. Do you have my one button? Sanchez: [squawk] Janitor: Hey! Now I can't call my buddies in Saigon. Touché. What else can you do? (Cut to cafeteria.) J.D.: Hey, can I borrow five bucks? I left my wallet at home. Dr. Cox: [mouth full] Whaddaya need five dollars for, because Abraham -- Carla: [interrupting] Because Abraham Lincoln is your latest president crush, or because Woolworth is having a 48 hour girdle sale? There, I did for you, don't talk with your mouthful. (Carla hands J.D. some money.) Carla: Here, all I have are hundreds. Dr. Cox: [indistinct] Carla: Because I worked the streets last night, apparently I'm a prosttute. (Dr. Cox gives her a thumbs up.) Dr. Cox: [mouth full] OK! Carla: Thanks. J.D.: Thank you. (J.D. gets in line. Sanchez lands on his arm, takes the money and flies away. Cut to Janitor. Sanchez drops the money into his hand.) Janitor: Nice job, buddy. Let's go get you that hat. Sanchez: [squawk] Janitor: Mine. (Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: Where's my change? J.D.: A bird took it. Carla: I want it back by tonight, or I'm going to bat it out of you. (Carla exits. J.D. sits down.) Dr. Cox: Why are you sitting here, Newbie? J.D.: I'd sit with my interns, but Keith's over there and I can't stand him. Dr. Cox: I've seen that kid. Horrible doctor. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. Yes, I read your screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't hate it. All right, lookit, here's what you gotta do with this Keith. You turn the heat up on his ass, and sooner or later he'll make a mistake and then you bounce him the hell out of here. J.D.: What did you think of the Transylvania dream sequence? Because I wrote it while I was on call, and the next morning I woke up and read it and I was like "what was I thinking," you know? Dr. Cox: Bethany. Focus. J.D.: Well, I can't just pick one of them out to trture. Dr. Cox: Then dump on all of them. I'm sure they deserve it, I mean let's face the facts. You are their teacher, how competent can they be? J.D.: Actually, just this morning, one of them had trouble with an IV. Yesterday, one of them made a diagnosis off a backwards X-ray, and last week one of them make a patient septic when he confused a suppository with a Mike & Ike. Dr. Cox: Stellar group there, Newbie, let the torturing commence. (Dr. Cox's watch goes off.) Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, that means conversational time is o-v-e-r. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. J.D.: When you get a chance, I'd love to talk to you more about the screenplay. Dr. Cox: Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) J.D.'s Narration: Turk and Elliot were having a hard time, too, because their patient, Mr. Burton, didn't make it through surgery. Turk: We did everything we could for your dad. Elliot: We are so sorry, Devin, Eric. Eric: That's Devin, I'm Eric. Elliot: Oh. You guys must get that all the time. Devin: Why, because all black people look the same? Elliot: God, no, because you're identical twins. Devin: Is she always this rcist? Turk: Oh, there's a pattern. Elliot: Identical twins, Turk! (Cut to ICU. J.D. holds up a tongue depressor with a cotton ball up to Keith's chin at a distance.) J.D.: [to himself] Uh- oh, Keith. It looks like someone's gone prematurely gray. That's gonna hurt with the ladies. Carla: Wow. You know, Dr. Cox told me you were getting tough on your interns. I had no idea you were gonna go all cotton ball on their asses. J.D.: I think I know how to deal with people, Carla. Check this. Cabbage, heat test! (Jason runs over to J.D. and puts his finger in J.D.'s coffee.) Jason: [in pain] It's a little hot. J.D.: I'll add some milk. Thank you. See? Carla: Yeah. J.D.'s Thoughts: And now, it's goodbye, Keith. J.D.: Interns, gather! The next intern who screws up is going to be suspended for two weeks! This is a list of all of your names. At least the ones I remember. At the end of each day, I will either write a smiley face or a sad face next to your name. One sad face and you are gonzo, and I want to warn you, I write my sad faces pretty darn sad. Allow me to demonstrate. [to Dr. Cox] Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen? Dr. Cox: Not going to happen. I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky-top. J.D.: Please? I'm in the middle of a very thrat speech. Dr. Cox: Return this pen or die painfully. J.D.: Thank you. [to interns] So as I was saying, my sad faces... (Sanchez lands on J.D.'s shoulder and steals his pen, then flies away.) J.D.'s Narration: Around here, it can be pretty tough to hang onto things. So if someone's trying to take your new friend away, you might have to lie. (Cut to hallway.) Janitor: The bird's dad, sir. And if you're wondering, Sanchez tasted like chicken. I ate him. Dr. Kelso: I get it. Now would you sign this order form so I can stop talking to you? (Sanchez drops the pen into Janitor's hand.) Janitor: Gracias. (thank you) Dr. Kelso: De nada. (You're welcome.) (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Eric: You said our father left us a note? Elliot: Yeah. Dr. Turk, give it to them. Turk: Elliot, I gave it to you, you have the note, you give it to them. J.D.'s Narration: And if you feel your credibility slipping, you might have to excuse yourself for a moment. Elliot: Excuse us for one minute, there, Devin, Eric, um. Hmm.. (Cut to ICU. J.D. has drawn a large sad face on a pad of paper.) J.D.: Anyway, I know it's in pencil, but that's what a sad, two-week suspension face would look like, all right? Very, very sad. Yes? (A nurse hands J.D. a chart.) J.D.: Who tried to give Mrs. Meadows an ACE inhibitor? She's six months pregnant, she could have lost the baby. J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes there's nothing you can do. Jason: That was me, sir. Sorry. J.D.: Oh, Cabbage. Not you, Wolfman. Ugh. Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox: I uh, I can't believe you're finally getting out of this deathtrap. I mean the odds were against you. You had a life thrat disease, life thrat doctor... (Dr. Cox looks at J.D. J.D. waves.) Dr. Cox: Anyway, it was a pleasure treating you, and... Mrs. Wilk: [interrupting] I know how hard it is for you to say something nice, so you can go. Dr. Cox: Thanks. (J.D. and Dr. Cox exit Mrs. Wilk's room.) Dr. Cox: Why the grim face, there, Trish? Watching Dr. Kelso's afternoon staring contest with the last brownie? Dr. Kelso: You bested me again, you little chocolate bitch. (Dr. Kelso eats the brownie.) J.D.: Nah, I'm just kind of sad about my intern. (Jason is in street clothes, saying goodbye to the other interns.) Dr. Cox: Why? You got what you wanted, you drove Keith out of here. J.D.: No, I drove Cabbage out. That's Keith. (J.D. points to Keith, busy going over a chart.) Dr. Cox: That's Keith? That kid's the best intern we've got. Hell, I'd like to bronze him and turn my office into a Keith-edral and convert to Keith-stianity. F.Y.I., I still want my pen back. J.D.: Oh, I don't have it. Dr. Cox: You damn sure better find it, Newbie, and when you do, I want it buffed, shined and de-nerdified. (Dr. Cox exits. Sanchez flies by and drops the pen on Dr. Cox's head.) Dr. Cox: [whistles] You think that's funny? This isn't over. J.D.: What's not over? (Elliot and Turk enter) J.D.: Do you know what's not over? Elliot: You are making such a big deal about this. Turk, I did not lose it, you did. Turk: I don't lose things. Carla: Please, you lose everything. Sometimes I worry what you'll be like as a dad. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Turk is in the car on the phone with Carla.) Turk: Yeah, baby, we're on our way back now. Junior and I just went to go pick up a pumpkin. (Turk turns around and sees a pumpkin strapped into the car seat.) Turk: I'm gonna have to call you back. (Turk hangs up. Cut to pumpkin patch.) Woman: Look, somebody left a baby here. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's house. The pumpkin is in a crib, wrapped in blankets.) Carla: Well, he is kind of cute. Turk: Phew. (Cut to a sink. Turk and Carla wash the pumpkin. Subtitle: One Week Later) Turk: Our baby's first bath. Carla: Oh, watch the head. (Cut to a baseball diamond. Carla and Turk are cheering in the bleachers. Subtitle: Ten Years Later. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the pumpkin, wearing a helmet.) Carla: What?! Turk: OHHHHHHH! Carla: Come on, that was intentional! Turk: Charge the mound, son! Turk & Carla: [in unison] Charge the mound! (Cut to a college graduation. An older Turk and Carla hold the pumpkin, which is wearing a mortarboard. Subtitle: Twenty-One Years Later.) Turk: We're so damn proud of you, son. Carla: That's my little valedictorian. Turk: Ha ha. (Some one bumps into Turk and he drops the pumpkin, which splatters on the ground.) Carla: No! Turk: Put him back together, baby! Carla: No!! (Carla's and Turk's real son enters, across the road.) Son: Mom? Dad?! Carla: Son? Son? Turk: Get over here, boy! You come over here and give your father a hug! (Their son steps into the middle of the road, waving, and is ht by a bus. Carla faints.) Turk: NOOOOOO!!!! (End fantasy.) Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time. J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father! (Cut to doctor's lounge. J.D. and Jason enter.) J.D.'s Thoughts: And now, to take care of my boy. J.D.: Cabbage is back! gng, I should have made it clear, earlier. The suspension policy begins today at 4PM. So, my apologies to Cabbage. Jason: That's OK, Dr. D. J.D.: You get in there! Keith: This is totally unfair! If I had messed up, I'd be gone. J.D.: Let me explain something to you, Keith, OK? I treat each and every one of you like unique individuals, OK? Take Gloria, for example, she's 400 years old. She needs to sleep a lot. I work around that schedule. (Gloria is snoring loudly on the couch.) J.D.: Wolfman has gotta be home by daybeak, so he does all of his work come nightfall. Crazy Barry. Not allowed near children. We work around that. Keith: How come I don't get a nickname? J.D.: Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith. Keith: My last name is Dudemeister. J.D.: And what am I supposed to do with that? OK, I'm not a magician. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) Dr. Kelso: Patricia, it's been a real pleasure having you at Sacred Heart. And I certainly hope the next time you fall ill, you'll remember us. I'm...not implying that you'll get ill, it's just that you're old and chances are good -- stop talking, Robert. Mrs. Wilk: [laughing] It's all right, I knew what you meant. (Sanchez enters and lands on Dr. Kelso's shoulder. Janitor enters.) Janitor: Dammit, Sanchez, I told you, Dorian's in room 136. This is... (Janitor checks the room number.) Sanchez: [squawk] Janitor. 136. I was wrong. I apologize, Sanchez, you were right. As always. [to Dr. Kelso] What? (Cut to ICU.) Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie! (A bedpan hits J.D. in the head, knocking him over.) Dr. Cox: Watch out for the bedpan. Now we're even. But answer me this one question, will you please? J.D.: Those are beautiful antlers. Dr. Cox: Ruh? Why is that screw-up still here? J.D.: You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each and every one of my interns differenly... Dr. Cox: [interrupting] And, you're done. So, you accidentally drummed your friend out of here because you were trying to eighty-six the Dudemeister, eh? J.D.: that nickname will never stick. It's too long. Dr. Cox: Listen carefully, Newbie. Things happen for a reason. Do me a favor and think back on all those mistakes your interns made and tell me this: who made them? (Flashback to earlier that day.) Jason: Hey. Dr. D, is the IV supposed to leak like this? (Flashback to X-ray room.) Jason: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking at here. (J.D. enters and turns the X-ray over. Flashback to a patient's room.) Jason: Don't worry. You're going to feel much better after I insert this suppository. (Jason gropes around the medicine tray and picks up a candy. End flashback.) J.D.: I don't remember who made those mistakes. Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do. (Dr. Cox exits.) J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, this sucks. But at least I didn't forge a note from a dad father. (Cut to hospital Admissions Area.) Turk: Are you guys ready? All right, Elliot, begin. Elliot: [reading a note] My dearest Eric, it is my wish for you that you finally find a good woman... Eric: I'm gay. Elliot: ...so that she might find you a man... Eric: Dad didn't know I was gay. Elliot: ...so that he might find you a woman. Janitor: I found your note inside Sanchez's wreath. I also found a bunch of little furniture. I don't know where he got that, he sure as hell didn't make it. He didn't have the time. Devin: [reading the note Janitor gave him] Make sure you clean out the gutters at the lake house so the porch doesn't flood? Turk: Ours is better than that. (Cut to hospital exterior. Janitor shows Dr. Kelso a stuffed and mounted bird.) Janitor: Well, it's done. I had him stuffed. (Dr. Kelso flicks the bird's beak.) Dr. Kelso: Terrific. (Dr. Kelso exits.) Janitor: And, he's gone. Wow, that was impressive, my friend. You're free to fly. (The bird takes flight.) Janitor: Farewell, Sanchez. Tienes mi corazón! [to himself] Tienes mi corazón. (You have my heart) (Cut to locker room.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Time to give Keith, here, a little treat. J.D.: Hey, Todd. My buddy, Keith, here, says you're no good at rat-tailing. Todd: Oh, really? (Todd removes his towel and rat-tails J.D.) J.D.: Oh! Todd: Yeah! There! Tell him I'm good! J.D.: Oh, he's good, Keith. Really good. Keith: Thanks for the warning. (Keith exits. Jason enters.) Jason: Hey, Dr. Dorian. J.D.: Hey, Jason, uh, we need to talk. Look, you're -- you're not progressing as fast as the other interns, and you've been making a lot of mistakes lately. Jason: I know what you're going to say. I really am suspended for two weeks. But I promise, I'll do much better when I come back. J.D.: Yeah, about coming back... J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox was right. Things do happen for a reason. (Cut to the bar.) J.D.'s Narration: Like how going through a horrible experience with a friend can remind you how much you missed hanging out together. Turk: "A woman, to find a man, to find a woman." Elliot: [laughing] Excuse me for a sec. (She makes a call on her phone. Turk's phone rings.) Turk: "Incoming call from Elliot Reid?" Elliot: You're on speed dial, baby. Turk: Ah! (Turk answers the phone.) Turk: Wazzup? Elliot: Wazzup? Turk: What you doin'? (Cut to hallway. Jason walks down the hall in street clothes.) J.D.'s Narration: And in Cabbage's case, as much as I was gonna miss him, I was just lucky to get rid of him before he rally hurt someone. (Jason stops to pick up a glove on the floor and dispose of it. His hand then glows green. He enters Mrs. Wilk's room.) Jason: You've always been really nice to me and I just wanted to say thanks. And, goodbye. (He shakes Mrs. Wilk's hand, which begins to glow green.) Mrs. Wilk: Oh, goodbye, young man. (She rubs her hands together, then touches her face, which turns green.) TO BE CONTINUED	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x12 - My Cabbage"}	foreverdreaming
Elliot's apartment. Elliot is wearing a black dress with a turquoise sash. Keith is shirtless, and his hands are bound. J.D.'s Narration: Lately, Elliot and her booty call, Keith, loved playing games. Tonight it was the orchard owner and the Mexican apple thief. Elliot: Confess, Manuel! Confess that you stole these apples. (Elliot dumps a burlap sack full of apples at Keith's feet.) Keith: I was at the dance, with the other pickers. Elliot: Liar! (Elliot slaps Keith in the face, then kisses him passionately.) J.D.'s Narration: Frankly, the whole thing disgusted me. Elliot: You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco? (Pan to J.D., wearing a sombrero, serape, and fake mustache. He looks annoyed.) J.D.'s Narration: Mostly, because they never let me speak. J.D.: [with a Mexican accent] He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples. He makes apples pie, and apples juice with them. Elliot: Paco, you can't talk because you lost your tongue in that cider press accident last year, remember? Now back to the pickers' bunkhouse! (Elliot resumes kissing Keith.) J.D.: [with a Mexican accent] I hate the pickers' bunkhouse. J.D.'s Narration: And I hate Keith. Which begs the question: why do I insist on being a part of their foreplay? (Cut to hospital hallway.) J.D.'s Narration: I guess I needed a distraction because last week we all thought Mrs. Wilk was going home, but she got an infection. Despite our best efforts, she was now going to die. To make her happy, we decided to take her to the beach. (Cut to hospital roof. Sand has been spread out over a small area accompanied by beach foliage, umbrellas and chairs.) Mrs. Wilk: I'm going to miss the feel of sand between my toes. J.D.'s Narration: Still, she was sick, so we couldn't go far. J.D.: Want me to bury you? Dr. Cox: Aw, shut up and move the Sunbrella, will you? I'm freckling. J.D.: I thought we had more sand.) (Cut to Ted's office. Some sand falls from the ceiling onto his desk.) Ted: Now what? (Ted jabs the ceiling with a broom, causing more sand to fall on him.) Radio Announcer: OK, people, it's for our $50,000 cash draw. Today's lucky listener: Ted Buckland! Ted: What? (Sand begins pouring out of the vent in the ceiling.) (Cut to roof.) Dr. Cox: Would you love a virgin daiquiri? It's a normal daiquiri, I just let him give it to you. (Dr. Cox pours the drink from a blender, passes it J.D., who passes it Mrs. Wilk.) Mrs. Wilk: Thanks! Cheers. You know, I've never really been afraid of death. I used it as a motivator. When you know there's an end, it forces you to live. It forced me in the eighth grade to ask Peter Bucharelli to take me to the sock hop. It made me dare to travel the world. It made me who I am. Still, now that I'm actually staring it in the eye, I -- why am I so scared? J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes life sucks. (Cut to Ted's office. Sand is still pouring through the vent. Ted is completely buried in sand and can't reach his phone to call in.) Radio Announcer: Sorry, Ted, apparently you don't need the money! Ted: NOOOOOOO! Why? Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. J.D.'s Narration: Mrs. Wilk decided to call the hospital grief counselor. He had a certain frankness about death. Dr. Hedrick: So, which one of you is gonna kick it? No, don't tell me, I want to guess. Uhh, I'm thinking it's either you, or you. No, you, because you're hooked up to a bunch of machines, or you, well you just have that look of someone who's gonna die young. I'm kidding! J.D.: Oh. Dr. Hedrick: You're gonna live forever. Or not, I mean, what do I know, I'm not psychic. J.D.'s Narration: We did not like him. Mrs. Wilk: I think he's funny. Dr. Cox: She's delirious. Dr. Hedrick: Mrs. Wilk, I'm Dr. Hedrick. Now it sounds cliché, but you're going to go through what we call the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Now, I assume that you two have already entered a conversation with Mrs. Wilk about what the process of dying is going to be like. Dr. Cox: We were doing it, right before you came in. Dr. Hedrick: Oh, well then I'm sorry, please continue. Dr. Cox: All right, we will. Newbie, go. J.D.: Oh, oh, uh, OK, yeah, um...OK, death is like a journey. Uh, a journey in a boat, and uh, then this giant light shines down on, on your "boat," and um, um, it carries you up to the heavens. Dr. Hedrick: That was the ending to Cocoon. J.D.: Take it away, Coxy. (Cut to Nurses' Station. Keith hands Elliot a cup of coffee.) Elliot: Keith, keep moving, no talking. Hey, where's my wave, you little piece of meat? Carla: You know, Elliot, the four of us should go out to dinner. Turk: Honey, why are you so obsessed about going out with other couples? Didn't you learn your lesson last with our neighbors? (Flash back. Turk and Carla are in the woods with their redneck neighbors, around a campfire.) Carla: Squirrel chili. Who knew? It's really good. (Turk pulls a tail out of his chili.) Turk: I want to go home. Carla: Eat your soup. Turk: No. (End flashback.) Turk: They're not even our neighbors. They live in the woods behind our apartment. Carla: And we would have been having brunch with them on Sunday if you could have choked down the tail. Elliot: Carla, I don't know about dinner, Keith is a booty call. I actually make it a point not to see him before midnight. (Cut to hallway. Dr. Kelso enters with Ted, who is coughing. Ted coughs sand into his hand.) Ted: [coughing] Oh, good. The piles are getting smaller. Janitor: Good. Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me, did you get that damn sand out of his office? Janitor: Yes, I did, and it cut my commute in half. (Cut to outside. Janitor stands on top of a giant sand castle.) Janitor: Good morning, loyal subjects! Enjoy your day in Janitoria! Labor until you tire! And then labor some more! Looks like rain. That could be a problem. Ted: Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off? Dr. Kelso: Well, that depends. Is Baxter's dog run going to hose itself down? Ted: No... Dr. Kelso: Actually, it is, I rigged the hose to a timer. But I need you to clean out my gutters. Ted: But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity. Dr. Kelso: Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows. We get it. The pedophile did it. Be at my house at 2:30. (Dr. Kelso exits.) Ted: Just once I -- [Ted spits more sand out] I wish I could treat Dr. Kelso like he treats us. Janitor: With Kelso, you got no leverage. Ted: Leverage. Leverage? Janitor: You don't know what it means, do you? Ted: No... (Cut to ICU.) Dr. Hedrick: I understand you guys spend most of your time fighting death around here, so it's -- it's understandable that you're made uncomfortable by this. Now, if you'd like, I'm willing to counsel both of you. J.D.'s Narration: I was tempted to take him up on it, but then Dr. Cox said something. Dr. Cox: Listen up. We don't need any of your head-shrinking. J.D.'s Thoughts: "We?" He said "we." After all these years, he's finally made us a team! J.D.: Yeah, Hedrick! If it was up to us, we never even would have called you! We can handle death just fine! We might even be going into private practice together. Dr. Cox: What? J.D.'s Thoughts: Easy. Now is not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox clinic, Much less the relocation to Jacksonville. Dr. Hedrick: Clearly, I'm pushing some buttons here. Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless. All smooth, like GI-Joe's nether-regions, and by-the-by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack, who has been yanking the pants off his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools. Which brings me back to you: the fool. I'm done suffering you, so go now. Go, go before you can write a book entitled "Help, A Large Doctor Is Beating My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story." Dr. Hedrick: That was a mouthful. Anyway, if you need to talk, just give me a call. (Dr. Hedrick exits) Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my thrat. That annoys me. (Cut to hospital exterior.) Carla: So basically, whenever you're in the mood, you just call Keith and he comes over and gives you some of that twenty-something nasty? Elliot: Watch me. (Elliot dials Keith on her phone.) Elliot: Got the machine. [on phone] Keith, we're going to your place tonight because my room smells like apple vinegar, so put some clean sheets on the futon and turn all the pictures of your parents face down. Except for that one one of your dad in the Navy...helps me. (Elliot hangs up.) Turk: How the hell does he put up with that crap? Carla: Turk, would you get my scarf out of the car please? Turk: I am making a point here, honey. No man should -- Carla: [interrupting] Turk, less point-making, more scarf-getting. (Turk goes into the parking lot and meets J.D.) Turk: 'Sup, man, you need a ride? J.D.: Keep moving, C-Bear. J.D.'s Thoughts: I was hunting for bigger game. (Turk exits. Dr. Cox enters.) Dr. Cox: Hey. I thought you went home already. J.D.: Oh, I tried to, Perry, but I'm having some scooter trouble. Dr. Cox: Come on, I'll give you a ride. Let's go. (Cut to Dr. Cox's Porsche. J.D. is admiring the interior.) Dr. Cox: Can you believe the huevos on that Hedrick? Holy cow, it's like we've never had a patient die on us before. Uh, I gotta put this bag in the trunk. (Dr. Cox gets out to put his gym bag away.) J.D.'s Thoughts: I was in the Porsche. I had never made it into the Porsche. It smelled like German heaven. I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity. I had to be careful about every little -- J.D.: Hey, a root beer! Dr. Cox: Don't open that soda. It's been rolling around on the floor for months, it will explode. J.D.: Apparently you're not familiar with the John Dorian three tap method. Three taps and the foam goes bye-bye. (J.D. taps the can three times and opens the can. Nothing happens for a few seconds.) J.D.: Works every time. (The can explodes, spraying the windshield and interior with foam.) J.D.: Oh. Ahhh! The quickest way to my house is to take Elm. (Cut to Elliot's bedroom. Keith and Elliot are kissing in bed.) Keith: Elliot, wait. Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry, am I looking at your dad too much? His eyes penetrate my soul. Keith: No. I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now. Elliot: That is so sweet. (Keith continues kissing Elliot on the neck while she stares at the picture. Cut to Janitor in the parking lot, sitting on a pile of sand.) Janitor: There's something I learned today. Wet sand plus dehumidifier equals cave in. Dr. Kelso: Is that Ted and bunch of damn bikers? Janitor: Why do you hate bikes so much, sir? (Flashback. Dr. Kelso's father has all his belongs packed on a bike.) Dr. Kelso's father: Son, Daddy's got to move on. And I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it weren't for your bike. (End flashback.) Dr. Kelso: It's complicated. GET OFF THE ROAD! (All the bikers scatter except for Ted. Dr. Kelso revs the car's engine.) Ted: Not today, Bobby! Not today. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox and J.D. enter.) Dr. Cox: Ohhh... Dr. Hedrick: I see we're growling at other human beings now. J.D.: How you feeling Mrs. Wilk? Mrs. Wilk: [weakly] Oh, not great. I'm cold. Dr. Hedrick: She's been getting weaker. J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, you spend most of your time just trying to hold on. (Cut to Nurses' Station) J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's trying to hold on to your perception of a relationship... Elliot: Hey, that was fun last night, I'm glad you got my message. Keith: I didn't get any message. Elliot: Oh. Carla: Elliot, if he didn't get your message, that means he called you for sex and you went over and gave it to him! Turk: You're his booty call now. (Cut to parking lot.) J.D.'s Narration: ...or just trying to hold on the handlebars of your custom bicycle. (Dr. Kelso puts the car in gear and floors the accelerator. ) Ted: Don't worry, Teddy, he'll turn. Dr. Kelso: Why'd you leave me Daddy? (Dr. Kelso hits Ted, which sends Ted flying over the car into the pile of sand.) Janitor: Now we got leverage. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, as a doctor you see your fair share of people who simply can't hold on any longer. J.D.: She's in multi-organ system dysfunction. Dr. Hedrick: She's OK. She's ready. Mrs. Wilk's room and ICU. J.D.'s Narration: Mrs. Wilk didn't have much time, so either Dr. Cox or I had to notify her next of kin. As physicians, we knew just how to do it. (Dr. Cox and J.D. are hanging onto the rafters of the ceiling.) J.D.'s Narration: First one to drop tells her. Dr. Cox: [out of breath] Phew. Pretty strong there, newbie. (J.D. yawns.) J.D.'s Narration: I was not. But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was. (Dr. Cox lets go at the same moment as the tape rips on J.D.'s arms.) J.D.: Ow. Dr. Cox: Oh, why are we still doing this, I've seen people in Mrs. Wilk's shape turn it around, right? J.D.: She could totally turn it around! Dr. Hedrick: Denial. Yeah, it's not uncommon for people close to the patient to also undergo the five stages of grief. Dr. Cox: It's not denial. She could rally. J.D.: Yeah, totally rally. Dr. Hedrick: Oh yeah. I mean, look at her, she could be in a vitamin commercial. Dr. Cox: How would you like to be in a broken jaw commercial? Dr. Hedrick: God help me. I don't care if it does kll me, I just love this fake sugar. (Dr. Hedrick pours a sugar packet into his coffee, then exits.) Dr. Cox: If he keeps ignoring my thrat I -- I'm gonna have to ht him. J.D.: The good news is it looks like he has a soft face. Patient: [offscreen] Are you done with my arms? J.D.: Coming to you, Mr. Johnson. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Elliot: So? I was Keith's booty call last night. Whatever, it'll blow over. Carla: That's not good enough, Elliot! By letting Keith get the upper hand you've given Turk ideas. Look at him. (Turk enters with a fancy walking stick.) Turk: Baby. I know you hate my cool walking stick, but I gotta be my own man. It's catching on! (And elderly man with a can enters and taps Turk's cane with his.) Turk: Yeah. (Cut to hospital room. Ted is in a hospital gown as Janitor attempts to place an IV.) Janitor: OK, Teddy. I got this baby flowing now. I dunno if that's good. You should sue Kelso. You have a serious tort on your hands. Ted: Tort? Janitor: Civil case. From the French avoir tort? Ted: Did you go to law school? Janitor: No, I was Ruth Bader Ginsberg's janitor for a while. Ted: Ruth Bader who? (Dr. Kelso enters.) Dr. Kelso: Hey, there's my guy! I just came up to apologize for that little fender bender out there. So, would two floor seats to the WNBA All-Star game just make all of this go away, huh? Ted: Absolutely! Janitor: Uh, Ted is going to be wanting a little bit more than that, I'm afraid. (Janitor takes the tickets from Ted and puts them in his pocket.) Ted: I am? (Janitor nods.) Ted: I am! (Cut to Dr. Cox's Porsche. J.D. is crammed in the back seat.) J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox and I decided to give Hedrick a piece of our mind. Unfortunately, I had lost front seat privileges. J.D.: Yeah, you're right. Still a little sticky. Not yet ready for passengers. (Dr. Cox barges into a room with J.D.) Dr. Cox: All right, Lester! We are having this out, right here, right now! (The room turns out to be a group therapy session.) Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of God. What is this, some pansy, get-in-touch-with-my-feelings-because-my-mommy-didn't-love-me group? J.D.: Yeah, is that what it is? Dr. Hedrick: Actually, this is a support group for the terminally ill. J.D.: Oh, we should probably go. Dr. Hedrick: No, no, please continue. Dr. Cox: Stop bugging us. I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as useful as fairy dust. Patient: He's actually helped me quite a lot. Dr. Cox: Oh. Good. J.D.: [whispering] Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox: [whispering] Yeah, Newbie, what do you got? J.D.: [whispering] That guy looks fantastic. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes? Dr. Cox: Ah, you know what, to hell with you, Hedrick! Dr. Hedrick: Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cos is going through? Group: Anger. Dr. Hedrick: Anger, yes. Dr. Cox: YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME ANGRY! J.D.: Nor do you want to see I angry. (J.D.'s fantasy. J.D. storms over to Dr. Hedrick and bites off the eraser on his pencil.) J.D.: You better hope you don't make any mistakes. (J.D. walks away and high fives Dr. Cox. End fantasy.) J.D.: It's awful. Dr. Cox: Uhng. (Dr. Cox and J.D. exits. J.D. kicks the door on his way out. Cut to Admissions Area.) Turk: All right, Carla's down there telling Elliot to ignore you so she can regain the power. Keith: Well, I don't really care. Turk: Well, you know, this isn't about you Keith. This is about men everywhere who've been abused and bullied by women! It's about me. Now when they walk by, you call her a different name. Keith: I won't do it. Carla: OK, here's how you get your power back from Keith. Totally ignore him. Elliot: Really? Carla: Yep. (Carla and Elliot walk past. Turk hides behind a wall.) Turk: [imitating Keith] Hey, how you doing, Clare? Elliot: Did you -- did you just call me Clare? Keith: No, I would never call you -- Carla: [interrupting] Oh, snap! (Carla and Elliot exit] Keith: Elliot! That didn't even sound like me. Turk: I know, they hear what they want to hear. They hear what they want to hear. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox and J.D. look in from the window.) Dr. Cox: I tell you what. I'd do anything if it meant she'd pull through this. J.D.: Me too. Dr. Hedrick: Hey, that sounds like bargaining. That's the third stage. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't just hiding down there just so I could pop up and say that. I was -- I was plugging in my iPod. Oh, um. Dr. Cox: Ehh. (Cut to Ted's office. Dr. Kelso enters with an object covered in a red cloth.) J.D.'s Narration: We weren't the only ones at the bargaining stage. Dr. Kelso: Heh, heh, heh. (Dr. Kelso places the object and removes the cloth. It is a bust of Ted.) Ted: Ohhhh! (Dr. Kelso places a sculpted hair piece on the bust.) Ted: Ohhhhhh!! Dr. Kelso: Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me. No lawyers. (Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: OK. I know how you can regain control of Keith. Elliot: Carla, don't bother. That booty call thing was fun for a while, but I'm so sick and tired of being a cold, emotionless bastard. Dr. Cox: [from the next table] Don't ever get sick and tired of that, it is awesome being that. J.D.: [from the next table] We love it. (J.D. puts his arm around Dr. Cox.) Dr. Cox: No! J.D.: It's too much, I know. Carla: Well, you can always get another boy toy, right? Plus, every time you look at Keith you're gonna be reminded of all that no-strings-attached fun you had. Elliot: That's not what I'll remember. (Flashback. Keith waves to Elliot in the hall. Cut to Elliot's bedroom.) Keith: I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now. Elliot: That is so sweet. (They kiss. End flashback.) Carla: Oh, Elliot! You like him! J.D.'s Narration: And that was the moment it got real for Elliot. (J.D.'s and Dr. Cox's pagers go off. They exit.) J.D.'s Narration: And for Dr. Cox and me. (Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.) Dr. Cox: Should be any minute now. J.D.'s Narration: We'd been there before when someone died. But this felt different. (Mrs. Wilk flatlines.) J.D.: [long pause] She's gone. J.D.'s Narration: We were definitely in the depression stage. And bless Hedrick, he didn't say it. All he said was... Dr. Hedrick: She was lucky to have you two as doctors. J.D.'s Narration: Letting go is never easy. (Cut to hallway.) J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's letting go of the leverage you had over your boss... Janitor: Sir, I would like to have the word "maintenance" written on the back of my unis in tiny light bulbs. That way, when I'm on a break, I can turn it off, like a taxi. Dr. Kelso: Your friend settled. It's over. Ted: I got seven Sunday's off a year. YAY! (Cut to Nurses' Station.) J.D.'s Narration: ...or letting go of your old booty call and making him your boyfriend. Elliot: Hey. You wanna go for dinner tonight? And I mean at seven, not midnight. Keith: I'd love that. (Cut to roof.) J.D.'s Narration: But there's nothing more difficult than letting go of someone you cared about. Dr. Cox: She was a great old gal. J.D.: She was. (Dr. Hedrick calls up from the parking lot.) Dr. Hedrick: Hey! Acceptance! (Dr. Kelso runs over the bike Dr. Hedrick was holding.) Dr. Kelso: Damn bikes! (Dr. Cox and J.D. sit on the beach chairs.) Dr. Cox: Boy, sometimes you just gotta love Kelso. (They look momentarily at the third chair next to them, then skyward.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x13 - My Five Stages"}	foreverdreaming
Half-Acre. Elliot and Keith are sunbathing. Elliot unclips her top and J.D. prepares to apply sunscreen. J.D.'s Narration: It was a beautiful day. So I invited Elliot over to my half-acre for some friendly sunbathing. (J.D. rubs sunscreen on Keith's back.) J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, she brought Keith. Elliot: Oh, thanks for doing that, J.D., I do it myself, but the Bopsie twins are already loose. J.D.: Don't worry. It's not that hm, is it? Keith: [biting his towel] Oh, God, no. J.D.'s Narration: Keith didn't know I mildly disliked him. He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back. Keith: Does it smell like pie crust? J.D.: That's the rhododendron, Keith, everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom. Elliot: Hey, nice new watch, J.D. J.D.: Thank you! J.D.'s Narration: It wasn't a watch. Now that Elliot had gotten serious with Keith, I needed to get tighter with Turk. And since he's so busy being married and trying to have a baby, I had only one option. J.D.: [to his watch] Come in, brown bear. J.D.'s Narration: I got us watchie-talkies (Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.) Turk: [on watchie talkie] Hey, white shadow. J.D.: That's not my handle. Turk: [sigh] Hey, Gizmo. (Cut to half-acre.) J.D.: Right on. Hey, what are you doing, man? I'm about to take out the slip and slide. Let's do it. Turk: Dude I can't. (Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.) Turk: [on watchie talkie] It's baby-making time. How's it going with Keith? (Cut to half-acre.) J.D.: [on watchie talkie] Awesome, check this. (J.D. holds the watchie-talkie to Keith's back, which is sizzling. Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.) Turk: [on watchie talkie] Bacon back! Classic! Carla: Hey stud, you ready to fertilize an egg? Turk: [on watchie talkie, whispering.] Gotta go. Maintain radio silence on all channels. (Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Cox walks down the hallway to the ICU, flanked on either side by staffers standing at attention.) J.D.'s Narration: A local magazine named Dr. Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr. Cox felt this was big news. Dr. Cox: All right. Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city. To which you will respond: "You are!" If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate here will take his mop, and these are his words, not mine, popsicle you. (Janitor makes a violent upwards movement with his mop.) Dr. Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city? Jordan: You are. And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some me actually getting to finish sex. Dr. Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go. (Dr. Cox walks down the line as Janitor walks behind the line. Dr. Cox points to each person in turn.) Nurse: You are! Patient: You are! Nurse: You are! Laverne: You are! Lonnie: Yar! (Janitor "popsicles" Lonnie) Lonnie: GOD! Why? Janitor: You combined "you" and "are," you said "yar." It made no sense. Dr. Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everyone heard it. Poke him again. (Janitor pokes Lonnie again.) Lonnie: Dihh. Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso, will you be joining us? Dr. Kelso: Hmm? There was a line. I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes. Dr. Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article. Dr. Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of "Out" my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hot sht. (Dr. Kelso exits.) Dr. Cox: And just exactly where was the poke? Janitor: Mm. I froze. Give me another twenty bucks, I'll go crack him over the head. (Dr. Cox slaps a twenty into Janitor's hand.) Dr. Cox: Eh, kll him if you have to. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk and Carla are in bed.) Turk: That was amazing baby. I've never felt so close to you. Carla: Oh, me too. Ahh. Turk? (Turk is out of bed and dressed already.) Turk: Were you not done cuddling honey? Because I was thinking we could go over to J.D's half-acre, put a blanket down, you can lie on my lap while I stroke your hair. Carla: Real reason, Turk. Turk: J.D. has a slip and slide and I want to show him some of my slammin' new moves. I call this "The Captain." (Turk strikes a pose.) Turk: Right? And there's this one: "The Dolphin." (Turk strikes another pose.) Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are. J.D.: [over watchie talkie] Tell her I've known you longer. Carla: Ugh. Nurses' Station. Keith is showing his sunburn to Elliot Keith: Yeah, I just don't usually burn this bad. Elliot: Ohh. Don't worry, later I'm going to find some aloe and rub it on wherever it hurts. Keith: Well, it's just on my back, really. Elliot: Keith, that was innuendo, you were going to work on this. Keith: Oh, right, right, right, right. OK, um, it also hurts under my pants -- in my pants. Dammit! I can't get this! Elliot: Sweetie, you'll get it. You'll get it. (They kiss. Laverne watches.) Elliot: What? Laverne, what? Laverne: No judgment here, child. J.D.'s Narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith. But I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind. J.D.: Can you believe those two? Laverne: No, I can't. All that carrying on in public. Nurse #1: It's way too much. J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again. (Rex enters.) Rex: Dr. Dorian? J.D.: Yes, Rex? Rex: Uh, Mrs. LeVinne won't take her medication. J.D.: Mrs. LeVinne has dementia, Rex, and I know she loves sweets. So take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth, helloo! (Rex exits.) J.D.'s Narration: Rex would forever remember that morning as the time he lost his fingertip. But with patients, it's luck of the draw. you can't choose how tolerant they are. (Pan to hallway. Turk pushes an old lady in a wheelchair.) Patient: Young man, can you make sure they don't give me any black blood? Turk: I'll try. (Cut to a patient's room.) J.D.'s Narration: You can't choose how classy they are. Carla: Oh, your hernia stitches look great, Mr. Borland. Mr. Borland: Could you give them a kiss? Carla: Maybe later. (Cut to another patient's room.) Dr. Cox: Hello. Patient: It's about time. Are you my doctor? Dr. Cox: Yes, I am. I'm gonna go ahead and give a second so you can think about how lucky that makes you. Patient: Don't try to be funny. Now here's a list of things I'm going to need you to take care of. (She hands a list to Dr. Cox.) Dr. Cox: That is so helpful. Let's take a look at this. (Dr. Cox exits and crumples up the list and tosses it aside without looking at it. Cut to cafeteria.) Keith: Hey! Elliot: Hey, when are you coming over tonight? Keith: I can't, I'm on call. I'm really worried about a patient with metastatic adenocarcinoma. Elliot: Aww, see this is why I hate cancer. (Dr. Cox enters and whistles.) Dr. Cox: Listen up! Keith: You are! Dr. Cox: We're not doing that anymore. Now, you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right? Keith: Yes, sir. Dr. Cox: Terrific. I need to you to go upstairs and figure out what's wrong with that darn third-floor coffee machine. And Gandharoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom. Turk: Why would she listen to me? Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you're Kanye West. Turk: I'm actually all right with that. Dr. Cox: Let's go, group. (Dr. Cox, Turk and Keith exit.) Elliot: They are three manly men. Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed. Elliot: Keith likes to knit throw pillows. Carla: Turk might be sterile. Jordan: We have a winner. Carla: I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test. Elliot: So why don't you just ask him to get tested? Carla: Oh, Turk is very sensitive when it comes to his manliness. Remember when I told him his backpack looked like a purse? (Flashback: Turk's and Carla's apartment - bathroom. Carla is knocking on the door.) Carla: Turk, honey, I didn't mean it. Turk: I'm a man! And a man does not carry a purse! GAAAHHH!! AAAH! (End flashback.) Carla: Yeah, ha ha ha, huh. Elliot: So, if you can't ask him to get tested, then what the hell are you going to do? Carla: That's easy. I'm gonna sperm-jack him. Jordan. Sure-sure. (Cut to ICU.) Elliot: All right, everyone, I've made a little tweak to the schedule. Uh, Lisa, you're on tonight and Keith is off because he's got some hospital-related business to tend to. Lisa: Agh-k-pbth. Elliot: Hey, don't give me that look, Lisa, you'd be off if you had a good reason. Lisa: Like if you and I were sleeping together? Elliot: First of all, the only woman in this hospital that I would even consider sleeping with is is Jamie in pediatrics, mmmm. (All the women sigh and moan.) Elliot: And, secondly, uh, I'm the attending. So tough tuckus. (Elliot and Keith exit.) J.D.: Uh, wow. Lisa: It's just so unfair! Gloria: So unfair. J.D.: It really is unfair, you guys! Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Hey, Gizmo, can you check on Mr. Jensen for me? J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] No problem, brown bear. Are you nude right now? (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.) Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Yeah! How did you know? J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Because your voice is always higher when you're nude. (Cut to ICU.) Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Ha ha ha! That's true! Dr. Cox: It's not weird that you know that at all. (Dr. Cox enters his patient's room.) Patient: Uh, Bob, just a note about the tapioca, I'm much more partial to flan. Dr. Kelso: You're a flan fan? Fun to say, more fun to eat. Anyway, anything that you need, you just ask Dr. Cox. Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend. Dr. Cox: Can't say I'm shocked. Dr. Kelso: Take care of her. Dr. Cox: You can count on me, Bobboo. (Dr. Kelso exits) Dr. Cox: Here's the lowdown. In three hours my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving you and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory best doctor in the city date guaranteed to end in crazy hotel room sex. I'm thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, and fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. good news for you though, is that you have a simple case of hyper-calcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let's see who that monkey's gonna be. (Dr. Cox takes Bonnie's banana and holds it out the door.) Rex: Ooh, banana. (Dr. Cox grabs Rex and drags him into the room.) Dr. Cox: Rex it is. Good night. You're in very capable nine-fingered hands. (Dr. Cox exits. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom. Turk is blindfolded and tied to the bed.) Turk: I don't know what's gotten into you, baby, but I am turned ON! (Pan to Carla, who is fidgeting with a vacuum pump.) Carla: OK, honey, this might feel a little weird, but I promise you, you will love it. (Cut to living room. Turk has the vacuum pump.) Turk: Honey? How could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle? Carla: You were enjoying it until it started making that grinding noise. Turk: I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant. But sweetness, it could be you. Carla: I already got tested. Turk: Oh. (Cut to the bathroom. Carla is knocking on the door.) Carla: Turk... Turk: I'm a man! And I can make babies! (Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Cox and Jordan are dressed up to go out.) Dr. Cox: I'm not afraid to tell you, Jordan, I think it's going to be a hell of a night. I got us a penthouse. Jordan: Great! How much did that run you? (Dr. Cox indicates the magazine he is carrying.) Dr. Cox: Oh, about five bucks. I figure while I'm in the shower you can get yourself revved up. Jordan: Awesome. (Janitor blocks their path with his mop.) Dr. Cox: Aw, now what the hell, Mongo? Janitor: Sorry. I'm his man now. (Dr. Kelso enters.) Dr. Kelso: Hello, Perry. Janitor: Now don't get me wrong. I ht him hard, twice. It just made him mad. That guy's got a skull like a mountain goat. Dr. Kelso: Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it. If I'd wanted to waste my breath I would have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest. She's OK, my mistress used to be a lifeguard. Now, get your ass back in there. (Dr. Kelso exits.) Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, baby. It looks like we're gonna have to take a rain check. Jordan: No, you are. (She takes the magazine and approaches Janitor, who lets her pass.) Janitor: Enjoy your evening, ma'am. Jordan: Thank you. (Jordan exits. Dr. Cox starts after her, but Janitor stops him.) Janitor: No can do. (Cut to ICU. Elliot and Keith are about to leave.) Elliot: Hey, we're gonna get going. Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, there is no way that you get to spring your little boy toy here for a night of passionless passion while my ass is stuck here and Jordan is in a hotel somewhere whispering sweet nothings to a shower nozzle. Elliot: Aww--uhh. (Elliot turns to J.D. for help.) J.D.: I'm gonna go hang out back here. (J.D. retreats to the group of interns watching.) Dr. Cox: I tell you what we're gonna do. We'll leave it up to your interns. [whistles]] Who here doesn't think that Barbie should abuse her power? (All the interns raise their hands.) Dr. Cox: Ah. There we go. Fair and square. J.D's Narration: It's a strange feeling when everyone is stuck in hell, and you're not. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bathroom.) Turk: I might be sterile? Carla: Oh, honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us. J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] You fring blanks, buddy? Turk: Ohhh.... (Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. is watching TV.) J.D.'s Narration: I was just glad to watch TV and for once, not be in a world of crap. (Elliot enters, angry.) Elliot: Why didn't you stand up for me? J.D.'s Narration: Or not. Elliot: Attendings switch schedules all the time, J.D. You switched last week and I totally defended you. You know what's really going on here? You don't like Keith. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. (J.D. shrugs.) Elliot: Thanks, J.D. You're a great friend. (Elliot exits to her bedroom and slams the door.) Turk: [on watchie-talkie] At least you're not sterile. J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Amen to that, C-Bear. Elliot's apartment - Kitchen. J.D.'s Narration: The next morning, I braced myself for Elliot's odd brand of revenge. (J.D. is cracking eggs into a bowl, but the shells are all empty. J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. J.D.: Did you individually drain all my eggs? Elliot: Morning! (She holds up a Ziplock bag off egg yokes and whites.) J.D.: Fine, I'll just have an apple. Elliot: Oh, looking for this? (She holds up another bag of apple flesh. J.D. squeezes his apple. It is hollow.) J.D.: How did you do that? (Elliot returns to her room and slams the door.) J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear, how you doing with your sterility? (Cut to Turk, in a crowded elevator full of hospital staff.) Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Uhh, can't talk about that right now, I'm in an elevator. J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Not reading you, Brown Bear! I repeat, are you still sterile? Laverne: This is so juicy I feel dizzy. (Cut to Nurses' Station. Turk disposes his watchie-talkie in a trash can.) Turk: Stupid watchie-talkie. (Pan to Laverne, surrounded by a group of nurses.) Laverne: I heard they're trying to have children, but they can't because he-- (She notices Turk and stops. The nurses gasp.) Carla: Don't worry, baby. I'll kick her ass for you later. Turk: Mmm. Carla: We can go to the fertility clinic after work. Turk: I can handle this thing by myself. Besides, when you went to get your fertility test you didn't take me. Carla: Are you sure? Turk: Yeah, yeah, besides, I've been giving the fellow some inspirational pep talks. [to his waist] Gotta want it, boys! There's no "I" in sperm! (Cut to cafeteria. Elliot enters and hands Keith a folder.) Elliot: Hey! You get a patient with elastic seizures! Keith: Awesome! Every intern wanted this case. (Keith exits and Elliot sits with Carla and Jordan.) Carla: Elliot! You're asking for trouble. Everybody's already talking. Jordan: Mmhmm. Elliot: Keith is the best intern. I mean he shouldn't be punished because he has to sleep with me. Jordan: Has to? Elliot: Ge--gets to. He gets to sleep with me. As a woman, have you ever noticed how old self-esteem issues sort of creep up on you? Carla: I have sausage fingers. Jordan: Do you remember wen I pulled strings with the board and got Perry that promotion? Elliot: Yeah. Jordan: People started talking. And Perry got totally emasculated. So it worked out great for me. (Jordan rolls her eyes.) Elliot: I should not care what other people think. Right, Carla? Oh, sweetie, they're beautiful! Carla: [sadly] They're kielbasas. (Cut to hospital exterior. Janitor is dumping trash into the dumpster.) J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Come in, Brown Bear, come in Brown Bear. If you're around, I'm having some java out front. (Janitor takes a cantaloupe out of the dumpster and throws it at the roof.) Janitor: Huah! (Cut to J.D., in the parking lot. The cantaloupe hits him on the head. Cut back to Janitor.) J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Waah! I'm ht! I'm ht! Janitor: Haa! Oh, this is gonna be fantastic. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Turk: All right, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today, but I've been doing some thinking and I'm scared. So, it'd mean a lot if you went with me. J.D.: Of course, buddy. (Cut to fertility clinic waiting room.) Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself. J.D.: Well, you're in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here's some tips. If you can't get over the fact that you're doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep, then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger." Turk: If I ever have kids you are never allowed to babysit. J.D.: I can't believe you're ready to have kids. We spend all day taking care of old people, washing them, cleaning them, why would you want to bring that home? Turk: J.D., we're talking about kids. Not going home to a house full of old folks. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot's apartment full of old people.) J.D.: All right, fellas, two quick announcements! First of all, whoever's been filling up my Tivo with JAG reruns, let's cut it out. Secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get, I like to sleep alone. Harvey: But I like to snuggle. J.D.: That's your problem, buddy, I got my own thing. (End flashback.) Nurse: OK, uh, Chris Turk? Turk: Yeah. Nurse: We're ready for you. J.D.: Excuse me, are any of the reading materials in there available for those of us out here? Janitor: [on watchie talkie] Hey J.D., this is--that black surgeon you always hang out with. Come on outside to the ramp -- dawg. (Cut to hospital entrance. Janitor is on the roof with a computer monitor.) Janitor: Any second. Any second, now. (Cut to Mrs. Cooke's room. Dr. Cox exhales loudly.) Mrs. Cooke: Oh, for God's sake, breathe through your nose. You sound like my bulldog. Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you, I find myself cheering "Go, hyper-calcemia with underlying M.E.N. syndrome, Go, go go!" Mrs. Cooke: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet. Dr. Cox: God Almighty. (Dr. Cox exits as the interns march in.) Lisa: Dr. Reid. We think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment. We're filing a formal complaint with Dr. Kelso. Elliot: Oh, OK. Sure, you know what? You guys can tell Dr. Kelso whatever you want because all he's gonna hear are the facts. I'm sleeping with Keith, he gets his schedule shifted and he gets the most interesting cases. [pause] Who wants twenty bucks? (All the interns except Lisa raise their hand.) Elliot: Well, that's not gonna work because I don't have that much money, so... (Cut to privacy room in fertility clinic. Turk enters with a sample jar. He sits down, looks at his hand, then sits on it. Someone knocks on the door.) Turk: I just got in here! (Carla enters.) Turk: Baby, what are you doing here? Carla: I was home, thinking about my fertility test and how badly I wanted you to be there with me. Turk: Baby, I'm a man, and we're not that vulnerable. Carla: I don't really know why I didn't tell you about it. I guess I was just scared that if I got bad news, I'd be letting you down. Turk: I can see how you'd feel that way. Carla: Anyway, I thought I'd come over. Turk: Aww, thanks, sweetie. But you might want to go outside, because I'm about to fill - this - up. Carla: Why would I wait outside? (Carla turns off the light.) Turk: That's what's up. (Cut to Mrs. Cooke's room. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox stand outside.) Dr. Cox: You are more than welcome to have your gons take both of my thumbs and break them, Bob, but I am officially O-U-T out. I mean, come on. I don't even see how you can like that woman. Dr. Kelso: I don't. She was married to my best friend, Richard. He died a few years back. You know the deal with friends. If they love them, you have to love them whether you like it or not. J.D.: Dr. Kelso, do you really believe that? Or are you just saying that to look good? Ah, who am I kidding. You don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you? I gotta tell you though, you gave me some good advice about how to deal with Elliot. Gootchie, gootchie, gootchie goo! (J.D. tickles Dr. Kelso, then exits.) Dr. Kelso: Can I fre him? Dr. Cox: Sleep on it. Say, one more thing about Devil Lady in there. Why me? Dr. Kelso: I know it's a minor condition, Perry, but you know how things can turn. Dr. Cox: But, you wanted me in there because I'm the best, what, Bob? Dr. Kelso: No. Dr. Cox: Say it, or I'll go in there and tell her you're dying to be with her a lot more often. Dr. Kelso: [gibberish] Dr. Cox: Beg pardon? Dr. Kelso: You're the best doctor. Dr. Cox: Thank you, Bob. Means a lot to me. (Cut to Admissions Area. Elliot is addressing the interns.) Elliot: Listen, I know that everyone is very upset, but I really don't think that there's any need to bother Dr. Kelso, and uh... Lisa: It's too late, Dr. Reid. J.D.: You're right, Lisa, it is too late, because from now on, I'm going to be handing out all the case assignments. For instance, this cool case right here. (J.D. takes the folder from Keith.) J.D.: Should I give it to the most annoying intern? Because that would be you, Lisa. Or maybe I should give it to the most incompetent intern missing a finger, because that would be you Rex. Or maybe I should just give it to the best intern, which would be you, Keith. (J.D. gives the folder back to Keith.) J.D.: Now if anyone wants to tell on me, to whomever they like, they can. Good day. (Cut to half-acre. J.D. hands Keith a beer.) J.D.: Here you go. Keith: Thanks again, Dr. D. J.D.: [to Elliot] All right, if you like him, I like him. (Elliot kisses J.D. on the cheek. Turk and Carla enter.) Turk: Hey! I'm not sterile! J.D.: Congratulations! (Turk and J.D. hug. Keith and Elliot cheer.) Elliot: Turk's not sterile! J.D.'s Narration: My friends were all happy. And even though I felt like the fifth wheel, I could take solace in something. J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Oh, hey, Turk. I forgot, I can't raid the freezer with you. (Cut to Janitor, in the freezer. He has a hammer, and is shivering, covered with frost.) J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Be careful in there, they lock it up at three. Janitor: [shivering] Mmm? Oh. Oh-ho ho. I'm gonna k*ll him. (Cut to half-acre.) J.D.'s Narration: I had finally won one.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x14 - My Own Personal Hell"}	foreverdreaming
BAR -- Evening J.D., Elliot and Keith are sitting at a table. J.D.'s Narration: Now that Elliot and Keith were serious, she started buying him gifts. Keith: [opening a small box] Oh hoho. I-It's a mouth harp...awesome. [laughs with Elliot and tries to play the harp] J.D.'s Narration: Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents. But you know what he was best at? [throws popcorn out of a bowl and puts the bowl out toward Keith] J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn...yeah! J.D.'s Narration: ...being girl bait. Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back [sits at table]. Elliot marks her territory so that the girls knows he's taken [Elliot starts kissing him while other girls are looking.] And I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones who come by for a look-see. J.D.: [speaking to each girl that walks by] I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports. [again J.D. throws popcorn out onto the floor and hands the bowl to Keith] Keith, more popcorn. [at this time, a beautiful girl (Tamara) taps J.D. on the shoulder, and a "boing" sound is heard] Elliot: See, that's how it works [handing the harp back to Keith] Tamara: You have the cutest hair! J.D.: [playing with his hair] These old rags? DOCTOR/COUNSELOR'S OFFICE A doctor is speaking to Carla and Turk in her office. Dr. Marston: Ok ok, so you're both fertile yet you're still unable to conceive, so. How often to you make love? Turk: [looking at Carla] Twice today... Carla: Actually it was three times. [looks at Turk] You were asleep for the last one. Turk: Oh wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams. Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there. Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless. Dr. Marston: Ok, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue? *FLASHBACK* TURK AND CARLA'S BEDROOM Turk and Carla are lying in the bed Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight...no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time. *BACK TO PRESENT* Turk: A little stress [Carla gestures a "tiny bit" with her fingers] SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. Dr. Cox is visiting a patient's room. Dr. Cox: Ok, the uh, antibiotics have brought your fever down. Is there anything else I can do for you? Patient: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Street Car Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me? [hands Dr. Cox a script] Dr. Cox: [taking the script and reading it] Yeah, I'd be happy to. Patient: [reading from the script, speaking with heavy country accent] If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you. Dr. Cox: [over acting using hand gestures] I can't believe you think -- I would do this with you -- Seriously, I'm a doctor. Patient: [looking confused at Dr. Cox] What page are you on? Dr. Cox winces and throws the script on the man's bed, and then leaves the room. J.D. walks up behind Dr. Cox. J.D.: Why don't you just read lines with the old guy? Dr. Cox: My job is to make sick people better. Not to help Bernie in there score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night. J.D.: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor. Dr. Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia. J.D.: Ooooh! [J.D. begins to fantasize] Dr. Cox: Newbie! Snap out of it. There's no time for your daydreaming. J.D.: Personally, me, I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease. You gotta be there for people. Take Mrs. Cohen, [nurse walks by pushing Mrs. Cohen in a wheelchair] when she broke h er hip, I treated that. But she had also left her car double-parked so being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it. *FANTASY* Two cars are double parked on a street. A loud engine can be heard in the distance... A monster truck backs up and runs over a car, completely smashing it. J.D. sticks his head out of the passenger window and looks down at two people walking by. J.D.: Sorry. It's been a little while since I drove stick. *BACK TO REALITY* J.D.: [looking confused] I wonder how she got out of that truck? [claps his hands] That's how she broke her hip. = = = OPENING THEME COMMERCIALS = = = SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. J.D. and Dr. Cox are walking through the halls. J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is, it's important to go the extra mile with patients. It's like I was telling this girl last night [opens his cell phone and shows a picture to Dr. Cox] Dr. Cox: Why would you tell her that? J.D.: I didn't, I just wanted to show you who I'm going out with tonight. Dr. Cox: [stops walking and looks at J.D.] Look, Newbie. There's a reason I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's uh, something personal. J.D.: [looking hopeful] You can confide in me. Dr. Cox: I'm a good doctor. [reaches out and tugs on J.D.'s scrubs] Kelly Ripa. [Dr. Cox turns and walks away] J.D. begins to walk down another hallway. J.D.'s Narration: It didn't bother me that Dr. Cox had just Kelly Ripa'd me because I knew it would never catch on. No matter how much he wanted it to. [J.D. walks into a female patient's room, reading her chart; Dr. Cox and Turk are watching from outside the room] This, however, did upset me. J.D.: [talking to patient] Uh, Carol. We got the bone marrow biopsy back. I'm afraid you have Leukemia. Carol: [looks at him in shock] What? J.D.: Yes, but the good news is, it's very treatable. We just have to get started right away. Dr. Cox: [standing by a counter that Turk is sitting on and speaking to him] You know, in four and a half years, I've watched your pal Stephanie go through a multitude of irritating fads: the Ugg boots, the campaign for better grammar among the staff, and of course the double European air kiss. And seeing as how you two are sorority sisters, I was kind of hoping you'd be able to tell me when this extra mile crap is likely to end. Turk: Oh, It's never going to end. He's relentless. Why do you think I was out Sunday morning buying comic books for my patient? [holds up a comic book] Dr. Cox: They were giving away free tasty-cakes at the comic book store? E-HA!! [looks around for someone laughing; Turk makes no expression] That used to work better when you were a fat load. Turk: I know Dr. Cox: [whispers] Damnit Turk gets up and walks into the first I.C.U. patient room Turk: Alright Jake, here it is. The latest "Vengeance" [holds up the comic] I had to travel to five stores to find that. Jake: [looking at the comic] This is last month's. Turk: Look, I'll track down the new one for you later, but right now I've got to make sure I have a job next year. [walks out of the room] J.D.'s Narration: Since there were only three attending spots for ten surgical residents, Dr. Kelso could basically treat them like his own personal valets. Scene begins with Dr. Kelso getting out of his car and walking away. Once he is gone, five surgeons including The Todd and Turk begin to wash Kelso's car. It then cuts to Dr. Kelso walking his dog with Turk running immediately behind with a mask on and holding out a small bag to clean up after the dog. Next Dr. Kelso is standing in the I.C.U. looking for a pen. All of the surgeons stick out pens except Turk. Turk waits and then pulls out a gigantic lolly-pop pen. Dr. Kelso reaches out for the pen like a baby. Camera zooms into the sucker, then zooms out to reveal only a tiny fraction of it left. SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. Hallway Dr. Kelso is looking at what is left of the sucker. Carla is walking up behind him. Dr. Kelso: All day sucker my ass. Try twenty minutes. [Dr. Kelso bites off the remainder of the sucker] Carla: Sir, quick question? Dr. Kelso: [turns to Carla] Make it very quick. I'm about to vomit. Carla: Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient coming in? Dr. Kelso: Mr. Sommers is the cousin of one of the trustees. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me, but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him it'll be my ass. [J.D. walks up and stands beside Dr. Kelso] J.D.: Carla can you cover my patients? Dr. Kelso: She's already someone for me. J.D.: Alright, I'll find somebody else. Carla: Why, because I'm just a nurse I can't look after everybody? Dr. Kelso: Precisely. Carla: J.D., why don't you tell me what's wrong with your patient Mrs. Jones. [J.D. opens his chart to read but Carla quickly closes it for him] Without looking at your chart. J.D.'s Narration: Carla knew that without charts, doctors didn't know much about their patients. *FANTASY* J.D. walks into a room looking confused. J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart. I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [the camera shows Mr. Barry's face, which has a cat stuck in his mouth, eyes wide] Oh, that's right. You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. [J.D. begins to point and talk to the cat] Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goo-che-goo-che. *BACK TO REALITY* J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything. Carla begins to look very angry, shaking her head. J.D.'s Thoughts: Uh oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch. [at which, J.D. takes baby steps towards Carla, looking innocent and turns to face Dr. Kelso.] And, you're there. Now, angry at Kelso. J.D.: [faking frustration] Bob, how dare you. Carla: Exactly. You're worried about what I can handle? Vascular surgery wants an update every two hours on bed one. I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' Dopamine from 10mgs to 5. Mrs. Myerson's abdominal wound is dehiscing, and Mr. Wilder's about to be turfed to psych because he thinks he's Flo from Alice [looks over at Mr. Wilder] Mr. Wilder: Kiss my grits! Carla: Exactly, Flo. Exactly. [turns and walks away] J.D.: I hope you've learned something today. [walks away, leaving Dr. Kelso looking dumbfounded] SACRED HEART -- 4th FLOOR, RANDOM DESK Dr. Cox and Turk are standing, looking around. Dr. Cox: Take a look at Mr. Extra Mile guy's Leukemia patient, sitting in there all by herself. [Turk turns to look] Knowing him he's probably out getting her a cake...shaped like a cancerous white blood cell. J.D.: Alright team, let's stay close. Come on. [walking into Carol's room] Ca-rol! Look who I found. [many people enter Carol's room] Carol: Larry? Dad? How-- J.D.: Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad. We started a phone tree, to find everyone. Now, there were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done. Carol: You are the most amazing doctor. J.D. turns towards the door, where Dr. Cox is standing. J.D.: Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile! And how does that make me feel? Keith! [the sound of a mouth harp is heard] Thank you. [J.D. walks out of the room. Dr. Cox stares into the room, looking frustrated] CAFETERIA Turk is sitting with Elliot. Dr. Kelso walks in with a big box. Dr. Kelso: Attention surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year. The annual blood drive is upon us, and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick. [Dr. Kelso had pulled out a giant sized tip of a needle and put a long metal pole into the tip to make it look like a needle. At the mention of Mr. Prick, Elliot had a shocked look on her face.] We'll probably change the name. [Dr. Kelso leaves] Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots. Elliot: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding. Turk: Ricky Morgan? Elliot: Mm-hmm Turk: He works in the cafeteria. Elliot: [shocked] What? Turk: What...? Elliot: Listen, kissing ass is just the way it's done around here and there is nothing you can do about it. OPERATING ROOM Turk is sitting on an operating table talking to all of the surgical residents. Turk: We have to all band together and agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso. From now on we'll only be judged by our skills and our abilities. Who's with me [places hand in the middle of the group and everyone else follows] That's right. That's right! From here on out, no more getting him coffee. No more washing his car. No more taking his son to local steam baths to meet men [Looks angrily at the Todd] Todd: Well hey, you guys got him coffee. [confused] Turk: Together on three. One, Two, Three! All: Together!! MR. SOMMERS' ROOM Mr. Sommers is lying in his bed. Mr. Sommers: What are you doing? Carla: [writing on her chart] Chief of Medicine said to pay special attention to you and I like to take a couple of seconds to get to know my patients. So first question: Are you allergic to any-- Janitor: Psst! Carla: What? Janitor: I need some advice. [Carla walks over to him]. Which do you prefer [holds up two neck ties]? Carla: What's the occasion? Janitor: Me, wiping up gn. [Carla glares] I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack...I assumed I could have it. I find the Armani is very effective on urine, where as the Yves Saint Laurent is-- Carla: No. No [turns to walk back over to Mr. Sommers but he is missing] Wha-- Where'd he go? CAROL's ROOM Carol's family is gathered around her bed. J.D.'s Narration: Carol's family had welcomed me as one of their own...no more so than her brother Larry. [Larry has J.D. on his shoulders and is spinning him around in circles] J.D.: [while still spinning] Eagle! Larry: I told you not to call me Lawrence [puts J.D. back on the floor] J.D.: And I told you I never get dizzy. [at this moment, J.D. runs into the hall-side window, bounces off and goes to Carol's bed like nothing happened] J.D.: Let me tell you guys why we are here. Carol is starting a journey. Ok, obviously the chemo is going to be tough, but we're all here for you. Anything you go through, we go through together. SURGICAL HALLWAY -- SURGICAL TIME BOARD Dr. Kelso and Dr. Wen are standing beside each other and Dr. Kelso is giving a short speech to the surgical residents. Dr. Kelso: So, you've all banded together. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when we would pick the three surgeons who care for the people of this great hospital based solely on merit. I hope you're proud of yourselves. [turns and walks out] Dr. Wen: This is a preliminary ranking of your technical skills. So, whenever you get a chance...[all of the surgeons crowd around the board, pushing and shoving] SACRED HEART - HALLWAY J.D. is passing through the hall where the surgeons are looking at the list. J.D.'s Narration: Life in a hospital is constantly humbling, whether it's making your realized you're not as skilled as you thought.... Turk: [looking at the skills rankings] 4th? I'm 4th? J.D.'s Narration: ...or as on-the-ball as you thought [walking past Dr. Kelso, Carla and the Janitor] Dr. Kelso: How's Mr. Sommers doing? Janitor: Actually sir -- [Carla hits the janitor with her elbow] Carla: He's perfectly fine, sir. He's in tip-top shape. Dr. Kelso: Good. [walks away] Carla: [rubbing her elbow] Ow! What, are you wearing a cup? Janitor: Well, people try to ht me there more than you think. [after Carla walks away, he knocks on his cup with his hand] CAROL's ROOM J.D. is continuing his narration and enters Carol's room to find that her entire family has shaved their heads. J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it. J.D.: I was not ready for this. Larry: Since Carol is going to lose all of her hair in chemo, we decided to shave all of our heads now. [pointing to the back of the room] He even agreed to do the cutting. [Dr. Cox stands up from behind the family] Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. [holds up hair clippers] You're all in this together, right? [flips the clippers on, scaring J.D.] = = = COMMERCIALS = = = SACRED HEART -- CAROL's ROOM The scene is continued from Carol's room with Dr. Cox holding the clippers encouraging J.D. to shave his head. J.D.: I can't believe you all shaved your heads [sarcastically]. How great, even Nana. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all. Dr. Cox: Are you ready to run the extra mile? [holds up the clippers beside his head] J.D.'s Thoughts: You can't let him know that you don't want to do this. Meet his gaze...meet it twice as hard [gives a smirk, as a nurse enters the room] Nurse: Dr. Dorian we need you. Mr. Bentley's condition is getting worse. J.D.'s Thoughts: God bless his herpes! J.D.: I'm gonna go and take care of that man, and when I come back J.D.'s Thoughts: Pause for effect. Pause for effect! J.D.: We're gonna shave this thing. Everyone starts clapping and cheering. Dr. Cox appears to be very happy. Dr. Cox: Yeah! Oh, Yeah! SURGICAL HALLWAY -- SURGICAL TIME BOARD Elliot and Turk are standing by the surgery board, looking at the "skills" list. Turk: I mean, how could I be fourth?! I know Bonnie's good and Figsack has mad hands, but somehow I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon. [Todd walks in] Todd: Hey, how come you didn't page me about that surgical consult? Elliot: I did. You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip. [Todd looks down and seems surprised but pushes the button anyways] Turk: Ladies and gentlemen...number 2! Elliot begins clapping along with many surgeons standing right behind her. NURSE STATION The janitor is wiping a spot on the counter with Dr. Kelso's Armani necktie. Carla walks in and puts her chart down. Carla: Kelso's gonna kll me. I can't find Mr. Sommers. Janitor: Did you look between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall? Ha ha, too easy. Carla: [while hitting the janitor in the stomach] Hey you know wha-- More armor? Janitor: No, actually I'm uh, [looks around] sneaking trays out of the cafeteria [reveals and orange tray under his shirt] I'm building a shed. Carla: Well, this is partially your fault, so you're gonna help me find him. Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like right now, I'm looking for something and I know I came to the vending machine [pretends like he's doing an investigation] And then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here [walks to the other side of the vending machine] And yep, there you are. [he looks down to reveal a body bag propped up against the vending machine. He picks it up and carries it in front of him.] As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. [pats the head of the bag] Big, dad children. CAFETERIA J.D. is showing Elliot a picture of the girl he met in the bar. Elliot: Oh my god I treated that girl in the free clinic. She was born without nipples. J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong with her. She's too perfect. Elliot: I was kidding J.D., I have never seen her in my life...[snaps] Kelly Ripa! [Elliot leaves the table, as she moves she reveals Dr. Cox standing right behind her] Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on. [sits down at the table] J.D.: I don't think it's that funny. Dr. Cox: How's that leukemia patient of yours doing? J.D.: I'm hiding. I don't really want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work for me. I think it would accentuate my spoon chest [touches his chest] Dr. Cox: Yeah [nods approvingly] J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair. Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than you hair. *FLASHACK* THE BAR Tamara: If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. *BACK TO PRESENT* J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. *FANTASY/FLASHBACK* THE BAR Tamara: No, there's nothing else. *BACK TO REALITY* J.D.: There is...even if she won't admit it. You know what, I'm stuck, man. I have to shave this down. [points to his hair] Dr. Cox: No you don't, you don't have to go the extra mile, that's what I'm trying to tell you. What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me? J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once. Dr. Cox: [standing up to leave] Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, You're not a completely, terribly, horribly incompetent doctor, and while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient, and if it was someone that I knew -- an acquaintance -- I might be ok with you treating them. J.D.: Thank you. Dr. Cox: The only thing you owe Carol is to treat her best you can. CAROL's ROOM Carol's bald family is standing around her, jokingly. J.D. is standing outside looking in through the window when Larry walks up behind him. Larry: Hey, where've you been? J.D.: Oh, Larry man. I don't think I can shave my head. Larry: What about Carol? J.D.: She'll be ok. She has all you guys. [Larry looks very let down] SACRED HEART PARKING LOT There are a lot of people outside because of the blood drive. Carla is standing with the Janitor. Carla: You look over there. Janitor: Mm-hmm. [walks away] The hypodermic needle mascot starts following Carla. Needle: Excuse me nurse. How about a poke! Carla: I have a husband! Ok. And he's big and he black and-- Turk: Baby, Baby! It's me. [points to the tip of the needle] But I do love that you go to that "big and black" stuff. Carla: I can't wait to bare the fruit of your loins. [walks away] Turk: Wait. Wait! T-this is the only way that I could suck up to Kelso without the other surgeons knowing about it. Janitor: There you are! [pulls the tip of the needle off to reveal Turk's head] You're not Mr. Sommers. Turk: No, I'm not. Janitor: [mocking] No, I'm not...[hands the needle tip back to Turk] 7 or 8 surgeons walk up with their arms crossed looking angry. Turk: Wha-What's up! W-With ya'll? [puts the needle head back on, and the surgeons chase him away] Ahhhh! JAKE's ROOM Turk walks in, very sweaty with a comic book in his hand. Jake: Dr. Turk what happened to you? Turk: I found the latest issue of "Vengeance" in a comic book store a mile and a half away. Here you go. Actually I ran there in...a foam needle suit, but, you don't care. Jake: Thanks, Dr. Turk [Turk leaves the room and sees Dr. Wen by a desk] Dr. Wen: Christopher. I heard you were sweating the rankings. Turk: No! I'm married and trying to have a baby. Not having a job would be a big boost for me. Dr. Wen: You're a good surgeon. Plus, your bedside manner is really important. There's no one on that list who spends more time with their patients as you do. Turk: Are you saying I have a job? If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me right now...I would freak out. [Dr. Wen smiles, pats Turk on the shoulder and walks away.] Turk: [happily laughing, claps his hands] I got a job! HALLWAY Carla is looking into Mr. Sommers' empty room. The janitor is walking up to her. Janitor: Well the good news is his head isn't in the storage room. 'Cause I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story actually. I put it in my locker cause I didn't have time to get down lost and found. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it. Come back to work on Monday, opened my locker...WHA!! Head, plus rats! I panicked, I didn't know what the hell to do. So I grabbed it and I ran up to the roof and I punted it...and I shanked it wide left like I always do. Now, it's heading straight down right for Kelso sitting in his convertible. I'm done. I'm out of a job, right? Wrong! At that second, A HAWK, flies in, grabs the thing and flies off with it. I know what you're thinking...'we're in the middle of a city, what's a hawk doing there?' Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't. Elliot walks in towards Carla and the Janitor Ricky: [dressed as a doctor] Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology to uh, you know, go over some test results. Elliot: Yeah, it's over Ricky. Ricky: [takes off his white coat and looks at the janitor] I know you're stealing trays. Stop it. [walks away] Janitor: Buzz off. Elliot: Carla, the orderly lost my chart for Mr. Tyler in 406. Would we have his dosages in here somewhere? Carla: You were gonna put him on penicillin but he was allergic so you were gonna put him on a gram of vancomycin. Elliot: [snaps] Thank you. [walks out] Janitor: You should put some of that crazy nurse memory to use on our missing dude. Carla pretends to do an investigation Carla: Well, he was an older guy. And he was on an I.V. so he couldn't have gotten very far. [Mr. Sommers appears ghostly in his bed] He was jittery. And he had this weird circle tan line on his arm. It was a nicotine patch. He was trying to quit smoking. ROOFTOP Carla and the Janitor emerge from the door to find Mr. Sommers smoking a cigar. Mr. Sommers: Should I not be out here? MR. SOMMERS' ROOM Dr. Kelso is walking over to Mr. Sommers, Carla and the Janitor are watching. Dr. Kelso: Larry has Mr. Spot on his lung. Don't you worry, we'll pop that lung out of there, get it off to the dry cleaners and have it back to you a little after 5:00. Ha ha ha. We like to have fun. [Carla and the Janitor pretend to laugh] Janitor: You know I made up that whole hawk story? Carla: Yeah. I know you're not as weird as you want people to think you are. [she hits his back but hears a hard, clanking sound. The janitor motions for her to be quiet as she smiles] SACRED HEART -- FIRST FLOOR HALL All of Carol's bald family is walking in through the hall. J.D. peeks out from around a door that they just passed. J.D.: Ohoo! WHOA! Nana, how you doing? Looking hot in the track suit, gym's on the second floor. J.D.'s Thoughts: Date Time Turk runs up to J.D., looking back at Carol's family Turk: Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits. J.D.: Oh, that's Nana. Turk: Second, I got a job. If you hadn't pushed me to do all that extra mile stuff, that probably wouldn't have happened so, thank you. They got a hottie waiting for you at the bar, now, go get her [Turk pushes on J.D. and he falls into a chair at the bar with a beer, at the table where Tamara is sitting] BAR -- NIGHT J.D. hands Tamara a beer. J.D.: Now, where were we? Tamara: Do I smell banana conditioner? J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes. [Tamara starts kissing J.D.] J.D.'s Thoughts: As great as this was, I couldn't stop thinking about that Turk said and how-- whoa! This girl really digs hair [she licks the side of his face and hair] The point is, it's hard getting what happens at the hospital out of your head. J.D.: Ow! Cut to... TURK AND CARLA's BEDROOM Carla gets into bed with Turk and lies on his shoulder. Carla: How was your first stress-free day? Turk: Horrible. And you? Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll k*ll myself. Turk: [looking extremely shocked] Not helping with the stress. Cut to... SACRED HEART -- HALLWAY J.D. is walking down the hall toward Carol's room. The camera pans up to reveal J.D.'s shaved head. J.D.'s Narration: I knew if I didn't leave that bar and go back, I'd never be able to enjoy the simple things...even a woman eating my former bangs. J.D.: [enters Carol's room] Voila. [all of Carol's family claps and cheers.] J.D.'s Narration: See, that's the thing about being an extra mile guy [rubs as if he's brushing his hair] You never know who it's going to rub off on. [Dr. Cox is standing by a desk, looking at J.D. with his hands on his head.] Cut to... PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox's theatre patient is reading from a script Patient: [southern accent] Sister Blanche. I've got a little birthday remembrance for you. Dr. Cox: [looking at the script and speaking like a country woman] Oh. Have you, Stanley. I wasn't expecting any. Patient: I hope you like it. [he and Dr. Cox lower their scripts and groan] You're hating this aren't you? Dr. Cox: No, it's not that at all. It's just that I don't believe for a second that you really want me to leave. You gotta feel it. You gotta get involved. What do you-What do you people say, 'let's take it from the top'? Patient: [nods] Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you. Dr. Cox: A--Again. With some force. Patient: I've got... Camera fades back. Dr. Cox is pretending to show force and hugging. Camera fades out	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x15 - My Extra Mile"}	foreverdreaming
Nurses' Station. Turk walks through with a tracking device that is beeping. Elliot: What is that? Turk: This here is an electronic hide and seek game. The other person wears a sensor and the closer you get, the more it beeps. Elliot: Ah. Funsies. So Mrs. Facter here has a ??? and needs a surgical consult. (Turk switches off the tracker.) Turk: fre away. Elliot: See her red highlights? Turk: Yes. Elliot: Could I pull those off or am I so kidding myself? Turk: I really don't have time for this. Elliot: Turk, you're playing hide and seek. Turk: with my nine year-old gleoblastoma patient, Eric. He's been in the hospital for a month. I think he deserves a little fun, don't you? Elliot: Sorry, Turk. (Turk switches the tracker back on and walks on. The beeping gets faster as he approaches a storage cabinet.) Turk: Hee hee hee hee! (Turk opens the cabinet and finds J.D.) J.D.: How bad would she look with red highlights? Turk: I know. It is now my turn to hide. (They exchange the tracker and sensor.) J.D.: All right, I'll count. Close a brother up. (Turk closes the cabinet, then runs away. Cut to ICU.) Elliot: So, I like to remember all of the carpal bones in the hand with a simple mnemonic device: Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate and Hamate. Some Lovers Try Positions that They Can't Handle. Keith: Hey! Elliot: That was not directed at you, Doctor. [whispering] But you should stretch first next time we try the whirlybird. Dr. Cox: Excuse me, but does anyone here happen to have a plate of Jeebies? Because these two here just have me a big, old scoop of the Heebies. Seriously, it cannot just be me. (Dr. Cox speaks into a pen like a microphone, imitating a talk show host.) Dr. Cox: I want to hear from the audience, I do. Dating in the workplace: She's the boss, he's the pretty intern, tell me what's bugging you. Courage. (Dr. Cox points the pen at Gloria. Gloria clears her throat.) Gloria: Well, sometimes they arrive in the morning and they smell like sex. Dr. Cox: Gloria, telling it like it smells. I'm proud of you. Barbie, who hurt you? Elliot: Is there something you want? (Dr. Cox throws the pen away.) Dr. Cox: Actually, yes. It is one of those rare days where you can be of use to me. You speak German, I have a patient from Berlin, and I need to tell the gentleman he has fluid in his lungs. Elliot: Ihre Frau hat einen schoenen busen. (Your wife has a beautiful bosom) Dr. Cox: [muttering] Ihre Frau hat einen schunnen busen. Elliot: Schoenen busen. (Cut to Patient's room) Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat einen schoenen busen. German Guy: Was hast du gerade gesagt? Dr. Cox: Schoenen busen. How are you? (Cut to the back of an ambulance. A cell phone rings, and Turk sits up, causing the EMT to gasp in surprise.) Turk: Relax, dude. Just playing a little electronic hide and seek. [on phone] Hey, baby...Yeah I know my shift's over...No, I'm not fooling around with J.D., I'm...OK, cool, I'm on my way home. (Turk sticks the sensor on the shelf and exits. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.) Carla: All right, I just took the pregnancy test. Just tell me when a minute's up. Turk: I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave. The minute that bad boy dings, we're good to go. (They watch the microwave.) Carla: Oh my God, I can't stand it, thirty more seconds! Turk: OK, don't get too excited. They have to cool off for a minute. That cheese is like lava! Carla: Is there a bigger idiot than you in the entire world? (Cut to J.D. on his scooter with the tracker, chasing after the ambulance.) J.D.: I'm seeking you, Turk! (Cut back to apartment. The microwave beeps. Carla looks at the test.) Carla: It's negative. Turk: Look at me. Hey, look at me. It's gonna happen. Carla: Eat your pizza rolls. I gotta get to work. (She throws the test in the trash.) Carla: By the way, next time buy a name-brand pregnancy test, not that cheap generic one. Turk: If you would raise my allowance, I wouldn't have to bargain shop so I could buy pizza rolls. Secondly, this pregnancy test works just as well as the name-brand one! (Carla exits.) Turk: Wait a second. [reading the box] Results in three minutes. (Cut to hallway. Dr. Cox gets ejected forcefully out of a room against the wall.) J.D.'s Narration: Some things deserve to get tossed out on their asses. Dr. Cox: OH! Oooh! Schoenen busen. (Cut to Turk's and Carla'a apartment. Turk digs through the trash for the pregnancy test.) J.D.'s Narration: But the thing you shouldn't toss out is a pregnancy test that takes two minutes longer than you thought. (Turk looks at the test. It changes from pink to blue.) Turk: [stunned] Oh my God, we're pregnant. (He collapses on a stool and absentmindedly eats a still-hot pizza roll.) Turk: WAAHAAA! AAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAA!! Admissions Area. Laverne: Mr. Roberts and I just love our above ground pool. In high school I was actually an all-state swimmer. Todd: Breaststroke five! Maybe later. J.D.'s Narration: Every workplace has that guy who just has t top everyone's story. Janitor: When I was 19, I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler. (Flashback: a track meet, circa 1984. Janitor is wearing a tracksuit, an 80's style haircut and mustache and smoking a cigarette.) Janitor: Still remember nationals like they were yesterday. Announcer: Runners, take your positions. On your mark, set... (A gn goes off. They begin the race. Janitor easily wins the race. Someone hands him his cigarette.) Janitor: Good race. (End flashback.) Janitor: They offered me a full ride and Grambling, but then I slept with the President's daughter. Not the college president, the President of the United States. But, hey, if Amy Carter asks you out for a nightcap, you do not say no. J.D.: No. No more. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years: You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb-pinky. You have a--a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids, no wait, you have one kid, no wait, you had a baby with a Chinese local, you're a deaf-mute, oh wait, now you're telling us that you're a world class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter? Janitor: I--I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but. J.D.: Ohh... Janitor: And I really was a world-class hurdler. J.D.: We're not buying it, are we gng? Everyone: No, nah, heck no... (Everyone departs.) J.D.: The people have spoken. Allow me to bask in the glow. (Turk enters, excited.) Turk: Oh-ho! J.D., guess what? J.D.: Not now, Turk, I'm glow-basking. Turk: Dude, listen to me!! (Cut to ICU. Turk enters with J.D. riding piggyback, making a lot of noise.) Turk: Where is Carla? Dr. Cox: She just went downstairs. What is all the excitement? J.D.: You tell him. Aw, just wait a mi--OK, you tell him. Turk: We're having a baby. Dr. Cox: Red states be damned, I'm sure you're going to make great fathers. (Elliot enters.) Elliot: What's going on? J.D.: Why don't I tell-- Turk: OK, you go-- J.D.: Uh, Carla, preggo! Elliot: [emotionally] Oh, my God, Turk! Carla must be so happy! Turk: I haven't told her yet. I'm gonna go tell her now. J.D.: Wait, Turk! When has a man ever been able to tell his wife that she's pregnant? Allow me to paint you a picture with my imagination brush, OK? You two come out in the parking lot where all Carla's friends have gathered. They're holding a giant banner that says "Carla, you're pregnant, and I dove you." Did I say "dove?" I did, Turk. That's when I cue the bird-wrangler who releases 500 white doves into the air. Where do they land? I don't know. But one thing Carla knows is that in her uterus is a little, soft, baby Turk. Turk: Are you forgetting what happened when you made me have doves at my parents' anniversary party? J.D.: This won't be indoors, Turk, and there certainly won't be all those people throwing bird seed. Why were people throwing seed? It's a--the point is that you, my friend, have a chance to be on the greatest surprise a husband has ever pulled for his wife. And you get credit for it the length of your entire marriage. Turk: I'm in! J.D.: Great, I'll tell everybody. You find Carla. Dr. Cox-- Dr. Cox: Halt! I will be doing nothing. Elliot: Well, you at least won't tell Carla, right? Dr. Cox: Ever since I was blitzkrieg'd this morning by an enraged German named Otto, a certain Dr. Barbie no longer exists for me. So, if she was to ask me a question, I wouldn't be able to hear it, and you'd have to repeat it. J.D.: Can you just please not tell Carla? Dr. Cox: Fine. J.D.: And Elliot, if you see Carla, don't get emotional. Elliot: Oh, no problem. J.D.: Really? Baby. Elliot: [emotionally] Oh, my God, Turk, Carla's gonna be so happy! (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Turk: The family wants me to do hip surgery, what are they thinking? The guy is 92! Carla: He's their grandfather. It's not like they can go to a kennel and they can pick out another one. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. A grandfather kennel full of old men.) Woman: We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in. J.D.: OK. Oooh, look at this one, he's so cute! Old man: Hey! Get out of my yard! Woman: He's not good with people. (Cut to another cage with an old couple inside.) Woman: He's great, but we don't want to separate them. J.D.: I already have a grandma. (Cut to another cage. J.D. is in a rocking chair with an old man on his lap.) J.D.: If I get one this little, everyone's gonna think I'm gay. (Cut to another cage. An old man is hiding behind a chair.) J.D.: Aw, look at this fellow. Come here boy, I got a little hard candy for you. (The old man comes out and takes the candy. J.D. reaches in and scratches him behind the ear.) J.D.: Yes, you're a good boy. You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater! (End fantasy.) J.D.: I'd name him Sebastian. Carla: Hey, what's up with the Janitor? He seems a little more lurky than usual. (Pan to Janitor, his head behind an open panel.) J.D.: Yeah, I pissed him off earlier today. How am I supposed to avoid him? Turk: You should put the hide and seek sensor on him. That way you'll always know where he is. J.D.: It would take a very clever plan to hide this tiny, penny-like sensor on him. (Cut to a hallway. Turk has the sensor and a five dollar bill in his hand as Janitor walks by.) Turk: Five bucks if you eat this penny? Janitor: Done. And done. (Janitor eats the sensor and snatches the money from Turk.) Turk: We pulled it off. See if it works. (J.D. Comes out from behind the desk with the tracker. The beeps get farther apart as Janitor walks away from them.) J.D.: Mr friend, we have just Lo-Jacked the Janitor. Hello. (Cut to ICU.) Elliot: Dr. Cox, I've got a patient with osteo-myelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use? Dr. Cox: You've put me in an awkward spot, because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence, and you don't exist. So, I'm going to address the stapler. Hi, stapler, the red is kller. By the way, there's a certain Dr. Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy... (Elliot mouths "Thank you" and turns to leave.) Dr. Cox: ...what's that? What's that, stapler? Oh no, she's an actual doctor. Elliot: Neither of you are very funny! Carla: Elliot, here are you lab results. Elliot: [emotionally] Oh, my God, Carla... Carla: Elliot, honey, what's wrong? (Turk gives Elliot a "cut it out" signal behind Carla.) Turk: Yeah, Elliot, honey, what's wrong? Elliot: [emotionally] Nothing, I'm just very emotional, because, um, Keith dumped me. I have to go. (Elliot and Turk exit.) Carla: Another one. sh*t. (Carla exits. Dr. Cox walks across the room and fetches Keith in fast motion.) Dr. Cox: Keith, I, uh, I've been watching you and you've got some potential. You do, but can I give you one piece of advice? Keith: Please. Dr. Cox: It is all about confidence. Hell, be a cocky bastard. Throw 'em a wink every once in a while. Show me a wink. Show me the wink. Give a me a wink. (Keith practices winking. Dr. Cox runs to another room and fetches Carla in fast motion.) Dr. Cox: That's the guy. That's the guy who broke our friend's heart. Carla: Well, hey, he's probably hurting, too. Dr. Cox: Mmm? (Keith winks at them.) Keith: Hey, baby! Carla: Oh no, he did not just wink at me. For the next five minutes, I am not a nurse. (She takes off her stethoscope and name badge and shoves them at Dr. Cox, who stops her.) Dr. Cox: Uh, no, Carla. There is a better way. I don't like it, but Jordan tells her friends intimate details about me. Our sex lives, my parenting deficiencies, the point is, I'm sure Elliot has told you things about Keith. So instead of yelling at him, why not calmly let him know that you know things that he thinks no-one knows. (Carla grins.) Carla: Oh, Keith, mind taking a walk with me? Keith: Yeah. (Carla and Keith exit. Elliot enters.) Elliot: Is Carla gone? Dr. Cox: Yeah, she sure is. Say, Barbie. Elliot: Hmm. Dr. Cox: We're even. (Dr. Cox exits.) Elliot: Oh no. (Cut to hospital parking lot. Many people are assembled with balloons and signs.) J.D.: All right everybody, before Carla arrives I want to thank you all for turning out, especially you, Father Rosenberg. Incidentally, when all this is over, I'd love to get the back story on that name of yours, OK? (J.D.'s tracker starts beeping.) J.D.: Excuse me. (J.D. ducks down as Janitor comes outside, looks around and then returns inside.) J.D.: OK, coming through. OK, now apparently they don't have fetus balloons. Who knew? So what I've done is attach string to the belly buttons of these baby balloons to signify the umbilical cord. OK, make sure everybody gets one. Elliot: Keith, you seem to have missed the point here. We're not really broken up. Keith: I just can't believe you told Carla that I made out with my sister in the sixth grade. Elliot: Yeah, I don't understand why you're so embarrassed about that. I've met Denise. She's gorgeous. (Cut to hallway.) Turk: We're just going to have to face that fact that you might not get pregnant for a very, very, very long time. Carla: I know it's going to happen, Turk. And you know what I'm looking forward to the most? Turk: What's that? Carla: When we can go around to our friends and tell them one by one I'm pregnant. I can't wait to see the look of surprise on each one of their faces. I think about it every day. Anyone who tries to take those moments away from me, I'll kll them. Turk: Me too. Just need to send a quick text. (Cut to parking lot. J.D. is reading his phone.) J.D.: Oh no. We got a glitch. Abort the plan! Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! (J.D. pops the baby balloon Father Rosenberg is holding.) J.D.: EVERYBODY RUN! (Cut to hallway. Turk and Carla exit to the parking lot, which is now deserted. Pan to the bushes.) J.D.: [whispering] Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing. Father Rosenberg: [whispering] Actually, I'm pro-choice. Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk and J.D. are in the living room. Carla brings wine for the three of them.) J.D.'s Narration: Knowing someone's pregnant when they don't know it themselves can get a bit complicated. Turk: You know what, let me take that from you. Um, you left the fridge open. (Carla looks and Turk dumps her wine out on the floor.) Turk: Aw, I spilled it. Carla: I'll get another one. Turk: Sorry. (Carla goes into the kitchen. J.D. grabs a plug.) Turk: What are you doing? J.D.: I may have gotten over-excited and told one or two of her family members that she's pregnant. (Carla presses the play button on the answering machine.) Answering Machine: You have 59 messages. Relative: Carla... (J.D. unplugs the machine.) Carla: Turk, I think the answering machine is broken. And I don't think we have any more wine. Can I have some of yours? J.D.'s Narration: I felt like Turk was starting to blame me for all of this. (Turk throws his wine in J.D.'s face.) Turk: I spilled mine, too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some of J.D.'s. (J.D. spills his wine on his pants.) J.D.: Spilled mine, too. Carla: I'm going to bed. (Carla exits to the bedroom.) J.D.: What are you going to do? Turk: I'm gonna go tell her the truth and hope that she's so tired from being pregnant that she doesn't have the strength to kick my ass for more than a few hours. J.D.: Wait, Turk! I have an idea. Turk: You have another idea, huh? I gotta tell you, I'm done with your ideas. And not just for now, but forever. OK, are we clear on that? J.D.: It's a good 'un. Turk: I'm listening. (Cut to cafeteria.) J.D.: OK, we need Carla to find out she's pregnant on her own and we need your help. Can we count on you? Dr. Cox: Absolutely not. Elliot: No way in hell. Dr. Kelso: Who's pregnant? J.D.: If we go down, we're taking you with us. Dr. Cox: What? Elliot: Why? Dr. Kelso: Would someone please tell me who's pregnant? Turk: Carla. Dr. Kelso: Another kid? My God, how many does that make? Turk: This is her first one. Dr. Kelso: If you say so, son. Elliot: You can't blackmail us. J.D.: Really? Because I think you're both very close to Carla, aren't you? And yet you chose not to tell her she was pregnant. Turk how would that go down for them? Turk: Unpleasantly. J.D.: Unpleasantly. Dr. Kelso: Ha. Got you two by the short ones. Turk: Dr. Kelso, it's true you didn't know anything, but I'm willing to bet that these guys would swear on their life that you did. Dr. Cox: [in unison] Definitely. Elliot: [in unison] On my life. J.D.: [in unison] And I'd enjoy it. Dr. Kelso: Well played, Turkleton. Turk: Thank you. J.D.: OK, listen up. Everyone in the hospital knows Carla's pregnant, but they don't know that she doesn't know. We need her to find out on her own before anyone congratulates her, OK? Here's the plan. The three of us are going to run interference. Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, I need you to get her to take another pregnancy test. This plan is foolproof. Dr. Cox: That's impossible. You two are involved. Turk: Heh, we'll see about that. (Turk and J.D. move to exit, but bump into each other.) J.D.: You go left. Turk: OK. That was right. J.D.: Actually, I need to come with you. (Cut to Nurses' Station. Laverne enters with a fruit basket and card that says "You're pregnant".) Laverne: Where's Carla? J.D.: Uh, she went up to the roof to get some air. Laverne: Oh. (Laverne exits.) J.D.: Follow her. Lock her up there. Elliot: You got it. (J.D.'s tracker starts beeping.) J.D.: Hello, Janitor, waiting around the corner to grab me. (Janitor comes out from behind a corner with a large cloth sack.) Janitor: How'd you know that was me? J.D.: I'm holding a GPS warning device that goes off whenever you come within a hundred meters of me. It's responding to a tiny sensor in your stomach. Janitor: I knew that wasn't a penny. J.D.: You'll never get anywhere near me. Janitor: We'll see. J.D.: Yeah, we will see. Janitor: Oh, we're gonna see. J.D.: The only thing left to do? See. Janitor: You're going to pay. J.D.: We'll see. Janitor: No time. J.D.: OK, bye. (Cut to ICU.) Turk: Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, look who I found. Dr. Cox: Hey, Carla, you're glowing. Carla: Really? Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, have your breasts gotten bigger? Carla: Whoa, Dr. Kelso, that is inappropriate. Turk: Baby, that sounds like a compliment to me. Maybe you're just a little hormonal. (Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso walk away.) Dr. Cox: Well done, Bob, a little direct, but I think we've definitely put the idea of pregnancy in her head. Dr. Kelso: Oh, is that what we were doing? I was just making conversation. (Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso exit.) Carla: I have been a little moody. Turk: Yes, you have, baby. Carla: Plus, this morning I was nauseous, but I thought it was just the pizza rolls I had for breakfast. Yes, I like them, we can get them from now on. Still, Turk, do you think that I should go home and take another pregnancy test? Turk: It's your call, baby. (Cut to parking lot. Laverne is on the roof.) Laverne: Hey!! Somebody get me down from here! Carla: What's she yelling about? J.D.: I don't know, I'll have someone from the psych ward check her out. (Turk and Carla drive away. An intern enters.) Intern: Hey. Dr. Dorian, I got those batteries you asked for. J.D.'s Narration: I was a little anxious because it was tie to change Mr. Beeper's batteries. All clear to the left, all clear to the right. You can do this. (Camera changes to a pair of binoculars looking at J.D. Janitor is watching him from behind a bush.) Janitor: He's 100 meters away, and it's going to take him at least ten seconds to change those batteries. That's not even a world record pace. Ready, set, go. (Janitor takes off running. A stopwatch appears on the screen as the camera changes back and forth between Janitor hurdling obstacles in the parking lot and J.D. attempting to change the batteries. Janitor body slams J.D. and sends him flying.) Janitor: Time! (The clock stops at 9.98) Janitor: Still got it. J.D.'s Narration: As I lay there, watching Nurse Roberts hammer-throw 23 pounds of high end fruit my way, I could take solace in one thing. (Laverne hurls the basket of fruit off the roof which lands on J.D. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.) Carla: [excited] We're having a baby!! (Turk and Carla hug. Cut to the bar - exterior.) J.D.'s Narration: Any second now, Carla and Turk were coming to tell me they were pregnant. Carla had to believe that I was truly surprised. (Carla and Turk enter.) J.D.'s Narration: I was the lynch pin of our plan. Showtime. Carla: Hey, J.D. We have such big news! J.D.: What's the scoop? I would have no clue what it could be. Carla: We're having a baby! J.D.: Oh! (Carla and J.D. hug.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Now give them the ten minute emotional roller coaster ride that is the speech you've been practicing all afternoon. J.D.: Carla, when Turk first told me, I -- Carla: [interrupting] What do you mean "when Turk first told you?" J.D.: Oh boy. Turk: Uh...We've known for a day. That pregnancy test you took yesterday was positive. Yeah, I wanted to have everybody at the hospital gather outside and surprise you with balloons and stuff. J.D.: What would you have thought of doves? Turk: J.D., not now. I just wanted to do something really memorable, you know? And I messed that up. Carla: So everybody already knows? (Turk nods.) J.D.'s Narration: Then I witnessed one of those moments that let me know in my heart that these two would be together forever. Carla: Who cares? We're having a baby. We're having a baby! J.D.: Yeah, we are. Carla: A baby! A little you. Turk: Yeah, but a lot of you. (Turk and Carla kiss. Cut to interior. Everyone is there. Carla, Turk and J.D. enter and everyone turns to look. Elliot slaps Keith upon seeing Carla.) Carla: It's OK. I already know. I'm pregnant. ( Montage: Everyone cheers. Carla hugs Elliot. Todd high-fives Turk. Carla hugs Laverne. Keith offers a handshake to Carla, who shoves his hand away and hugs him. Carla hugs Dr. Cox. Carla kisses J.D. and hugs him. Carla hugs Jordan. Everybody celebrates.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x16 - My Bright Idea"}	foreverdreaming
Hallway. J.D. passes through. J.D.'s Narration: A month ago I shaved my head to show solidarity with a leukemia patient. Of course, there were ramifications. (Flashback: Patient's room. J.D. is bald.) J.D.: Hello, I'm your doctor. (The room J.D. has entered is full of Hare Krishnas. bald and dressed in orange robes and carrying tambourines.) Krishnas: [singing] Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna/ Krishna Krishna Hare Hare... J.D.: [while they are singing] Oh, no no, I know I've got the hair, but I'm not one of you people... (One of the group offers him a tambourine.) J.D.: Hello, how are you? Well, I have been known to tambour. (Cut to outside. J.D. is wearing orange robes with the Hare Krishnas.) Group: [singing] Hare Krishna Hare Krishna... (Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters.) J.D.'s Narration: After our tambourine jam they gave me some literature, but I'm not the type that's easily sucked in by that stuff. Dr. Mickhead: Good morning, Dr. Dorian. J.D.: Praise be to Krishna! Dammit. (J.D. enters another patient's room.) J.D.: Hey, Mr. Coleman, how are you feeling? (Mr. Coleman is severely jaundiced.) Mr. Coleman: [singing] They call me mellow yellow. J.D.: Um, Mr. Coleman, the hepatitis is doing a number on your liver. You're obviously very jaundiced...yellow! Oh, mellow yellow, I get it, that's funny! You know, I never knew what that song was about. Now I -- now I finally get it. Liver disease. Anyway, we're going to give you suppressive therapy and do everything we can to make sure you don't need a liver transplant, OK? Mr. Coleman: OK. J.D.: All right, see you, Mr. Coleman. (J.D. exits. J.D. enters again and his hair is back.) J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, a month later... Mr. Coleman: Let's hear it. J.D.: Frank, we have no more options. We gotta get you a new liver. (Cut to cafeteria. Keith kisses Elliot then exits.) Jordan: So how is the boy toy thing going? I'm thinking of trading Perry in for a younger model. Elliot: Actually, we're getting kind of serious, so I... Dr. Cox: Excuse me. I need a moment of silence so I can get into a meditative state where I block out any and all irritating white noise. I call it my happy place. (Dr. Cox takes a breath and then zones out.) Elliot: You know, it's kind of rude... (Pan to Dr. Cox's face. He is spaced out. Waves on a beach and seagull cries are heard. Elliot's lips move but make no sound.) Elliot: ...well I can understand you haven't had... Jordan: [interrupting] Uh, sweets, he can't hear you. Elliot: Really? Jordan: Mm-mm. Elliot: I was the one who puked on your Porsche after Turk and Carla's wedding. (Dr. Cox is still spaced out.) Elliot: Ugh, that has been eating at me for two years. Anyway, Keith is great, the only thing is his last name is um...Dudemeister. Jordan: Oh, that doesn't even sound real. Elliot: Well, it's actually German, Dudemeister means master of dudes. Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name. Elliot: You don't like Cox? Jordan: Actually, I love Cox. (Todd enters.) Todd: Greatest conversation ever. Jordan: See, that's the problem. Female: [offscreen] This sausage is huge! Todd: Excuse me, ladies. I'm needed elsewhere. (Todd exits.) Jordan: You know what? the four of us should go out for drinks sometime. Elliot: Actually, we're free tonight. Jordan: It's a couple date! Elliot: Done! (Elliot and Jordan exit, talking quickly. Thunder rumbles over Dr. Cox and he snaps to reality.) Dr. Cox: Something horrible just happened. (Cut to Mr. Coleman's room.) J.D.: All right, buddy. Today's the day. J.D.'s Narration: The amazing thing about livers is that a healthy person can actually have part of it removed and give it to somebody else. For Frank, that person was his brother, Marc. (Marc enters.) Marc: Hey, somebody order a liver? Ha ha ha! Uh oh. [Speaking into a Jello cup] Jello? Jello? Is this thing on? (Turk and J.D. giggle.) J.D.'s Narration: Marc was a stand-up comic on a cruise ship. Marc: If I'm not careful, they'll put me in the pun-itentiary. J.D.'s Narration: He was a genius. Mr. Coleman: Thanks for doing this for me, man. Marc: Hey, what's mine is yours, little bro. You know that. (Marc taps his torso, kisses his finger and points to Mr. Coleman.) Turk: I didn't get that one. J.D.: I didn't either. Hey, Turk, if you ever donated a body part to me, you know which one I'd want? (Cut to J.D.'s Fantasy. He has a very large butt, and Turk's is flat.) J.D.: Hey, thanks for the butt, playa! Carla: You better have a reason for taking my man's badonka-donk donk. J.D.: I do, Carla. I'm building something. Elliot: What? J.D.: A brick house! (The Commodores' A Brick House plays and J.D. starts dancing. Carla and Elliot start dancing with J.D. End fantasy. Lsverne enters.) Laverne: Dr. Turk? Todd needs you in the lab. Turk: Tell Todd he can kiss my big, black ass. (to J.D.) Bet you wish you could say that. J.D.: I do. Mr. Coleman's room. Marc: Brr. These gowns do not protect the fellows against a cool breeze, do they? Mr. Coleman: You'll get used to it. Turk: OK, we'll be back to check on you guys a little later, all right? Marc: OK, we'll be the guys that look like us. (Turk and J.D. exit the room, laughing.) Turk: [laughing] How does he come up with this stuff? J.D.: You know, you could be a dynamite center square. Turk: Dude, four more hours and I am off. J.D.: You mean we are off. I changed my schedule which means I have Thursday nights off which means we are going out which means you are going to be my wingman. Even though you're horrible at it. (Turk and J.D. enter the elevator.) Turk: When have I been a bad wingman? (Flashback: Theta Omega house at Turk and J.D.'s college. Turk has painted his face white and is dressed in preppy clothes. J.D. is wearing baggy clothes and has painted his face black. J.D.: Turk, are you sure this isn't offensive? It doesn't look like anybody else is wearing a costume. Turk: Buddy, relax. These are my guys, all right? As long as you're with me, they're going to find this funny. J.D.: All right. (J.D. rings the doorbell.) Turk: That looks like Talia. (Turk exits. The door opens.) J.D.: Wazzup! (Two large, black fraternity brothers grab J.D. and drag him inside and shut the door.) J.D.: Waaaah!! (Turk enters.) Turk: My bad, my bad. (Turk listens at the door to the sound of J.D. getting bat up inside. J.D. flies out of a second floor window and lands behind Turk.) J.D.: Wooo! Ahh! Turk: That--that wasn't Talia. (End flashback.) J.D.: Every time I saw them they yelled out "crcker." How did they know I love crackers? (Turk and J.D. exit.) Dr. Cox: Please don't make me go out with Barbie, and yes, I know it's too easy, Ken. Jordan: But we haven't gone out with another couple in over a year. Dr. Cox: Jordan, there's a reason for that. (Flashback. Dr. Cox, Jordan, Dr. Zeltzer and his wife are having drinks. Dr. Cox downs his drink in one swallow.) Dr. Zeltzer: Wh-wh-whoa, slow down there, big guy. Dr. Cox: Why, Zeltzer? It's not like I'm driving. Dr. Zeltzer: I know, but there was a roofie in it. (Dr. Cox passes out cold.) Jordan: I'm not sure if I'm OK with that. Dr. Zeltzer: Three, two, one. (Jordan passes out cold.) Dr. Zeltzer's wife: Party time. (End flashback.) Jordan: I think we should give them another chance. (Cut to hallway. A door opens, and an arm drags Carla inside and slams the door.) Carla: Whoa! (Cut to Dr. Kelso's office.) Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I need your help with something. My dog, Baxter, passed away last night. I dealt with it emotionally, but unfortunately, I can't stop crying. Anyway, I need you to run interference for me today. Keep people from seeing me looking vulnerable and so forth. Carla: So you think I'll automatically do this? You think my ego is so big that I'll be flattered that I'm the only one you can open up to? I'll do it. (Cut to hallway. Marc and Mr. Coleman are being wheeled down the hall in gurneys past Dr. Cox, J.D. and Turk.) Marc: Wish us luck guys! J.D.: Good luck fellas. Dr. Cox: All the best. J.D.: We'll be rooting for you. Turk: Good luck. J.D.: And I will see you later. Turk: Wonderful. (J.D. exits.) Dr. Cox: What are you two gonna do? Stay up late, eat raw cookie dough and pinky-swear that you're diet will start tomorrow? Turk: What is your problem? Dr. Cox: Ah, Jordan is forcing me to double-date with the Dudemeisters. Turk: Because of J.D., I gotta miss Turk Night. Yeah, I only have three nights off during the week. Two of nights Carla has off two, so we gotta do married stuff. Dr. Cox: Fighting, arguing, bickering and the occasional quickie? Turk: Exactly. But Thursday nights, I got the apartment to myself. So you know, I come home... (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk enters and kicks off his shoes and pants.) Turk's Voiceover: I open the door. I immediately get comfortable. Then I take care of all my busy work. Case dictation, patient charts, everything. (Turk talks into a tape recorder while reviewing a pile of charts.) Turk's Voiceover: Then I watch whatever's on ESPN. (Turk is on the couch, eating cookie dough.) TV Announcer: Stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls! Turk: Mothers and daughters. They speak so fast, but they speak so true. Turk's Voiceover: I make some important work calls. Turk: [on cell phone] Did you see it? (Cut to J.D.) J.D.: [on phone] I am so made at Lorelei I can't even talk right now. (J.D. hangs up. Cut back to Nurses' Station.) Turk: That's Turk Night. (Turk looks around but Dr. Cox is gone. Dr. Cox whistles.. Turk looks down. Dr. Cox is lying on the floor reading The New York Herald.) Dr. Cox: God, you're boring. (Cut to Dr. Kelso's office. Someone knocks at the door. Carla answers it.) Elliot: Hey, just need to talk to Kelso. Carla: You can't come in. Elliot: Why? Dr. Kelso: I have no pants on. Carla: He spilled coffee on them. [whispering] I wish I didn't have to see those pale legs.] Elliot: Ask him if we can get a new label-maker in the pharmacy. The "P" is broken and nobody knows what "enicillin" is. Carla: Oh. Sir, she just wants... Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] Just tell her no! Carla: But, sir, she just... Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] If it makes you feel better, you can pretend you're fighting for her. Yell "hear me out, Bob." Carla: Hear me out, you old jackass! Dr. Kelso: No ad-libbing! Now send her packing. Carla: [to Elliot] He said yes. Elliot: Coolio! (Elliot exits.) Dr. Kelso: You think you're funny. My job is to spend the day saying "no" to people. And now that you have let a "yes" spread out into the world, you have opened the floodgates. (As Dr. Kelso finishes, someone knocks on the door. Carla answers.) Laverne: Can we have bibles in the patients' rooms? Carla: No. (She closes the door. Ted is next. He is wearing an elaborate vest to hold his telephone receiver to his ear.) Ted: Can I get a better hands-free headset for my phone? Carla: No. (Todd is next.) Todd: Can I be allowed back in the men's locker room? Carla: No! (Janitor is next.) Janitor: Can I get some new work boots? Carla: No. (Janitor sticks his foot in the door.) Janitor: Guess the old ones still work. I do have more requests though. I need an anvil, some barbed wire and a bow and arrow. Carla: No. Janitor: Hm. How about a sled dog? Carla: No. Janitor: Cowboy hat? Carla: No. Janitor: Ferris wheel? Carla: No. Janitor: Stun gn? Carla: No. Janitor: Pelican? Carla: No! (Carla shuts the door.) Dr. Kelso: I'll be on the couch, napping. (Cut to the bar.) Jordan: Sweetie, calm down. If you're miserable, you can just talk to me. I won't abandon you, all right? (Dr. Cox and Jordan sit at a table with Elliot and Keith.) Jordan: Hey! Oh my God... Elliot: ...I love your jacket... Jordan: ...I love your necklace... (The rest is indistinct as they get up to go to the bathroom.) Keith: Hey, uh, Dr. Cox, can you get me beer? I forgot my ID. Dr. Cox: Ohh.. (Cut to a bowling alley.) Turk: I can't believe people hang out at bowling alleys now. J.D.: It's great. You surround yourself with some new friends. You say one clever thing and you're in. Watch this. You guys, let's tally it up, gather round! Whoa, Carol! 180, amazing! Lisa, you had a 125. Turk, 192! Turk: That's how we do! J.D.: And bowled a gentleman's 40. Now, who wants to help me off with my shoes? I forgot to wear socks. (Carol and Lisa leave.) J.D.: I'm losing them. Turk: If you ladies remain in this area, we'll bring back drinks. J.D.: Nice save. (J.D. gasps upon seeing the group of Hare Krishnas from before in the lane next to them.) J.D.: Krishnas. Turk: Relax, they'll never recognize you. (Cut to one of the Krishna's POV. He uses his pencil to "erase" J.D.'s hair. J.D. walks away as the Krishnas start to follow him. J.D. comes face to face with the black fraternity brothers from college. Cut to one of their POV's. He takes a pencil and "colors" J.D.'s face.) Fraternity Brother: Good to see you again. J.D.: Wazzup? (The fraternity brothers grab J.D. and throw him down the bowling lane, scoring a strike. The brothers laugh. Cut to the bar.) Elliot: I hate it when Keith wears that shirt. We get it. You like sports. (Keith has a t-shirt that says "I LIKE SPORTS.") Jordan: Sweetie, you have to dress your man. For God's sake, Perry walked out of the house tonight in a hockey jersey. Keith: Dr. Cox, when you first st-- (Cut to Dr. Cox. He is once again in his happy place. Keith's lips move but make no sound.) Jordan: Hey you! Make an effort! Dr. Cox: Ah. You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short. Keith: Detroit Red Wings. Dr. Cox: Oh. (Dr. Cox lifts his shirt to reveal a Red Wings jersey underneath.) Dr. Cox: For the next twenty minutes, you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports. On September 25, 1926... (Cut to Mr. Coleman's room.) J.D.: Look at you, man, you're color's back, there's no sign of infection. Mr. Coleman: I feel--I feel great. J.D.: You look great, man, I'm glad. Mr. Coleman: Thanks. J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, things weren't going as well for Marc. (J.D. walks to Marc's room, next door.) Laverne: He's hypertensive and tachycardic. (J.D. begins feeling Marc's abdomen.) J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes that's the way life works. The ones who do the nice things suffer the most. Whether it's giving up Turk Night for a friend... (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Dr. Wen: Christopher, why haven't you finished your case reports? Turk: Sorry, Dr. Wen, I was going to do them last night, but I wound up going out with my buddy, right? Dr. Wen: Just get them done. (Cut to Admissions Area. Dr. Cox enters. All the interns are wearing Red Wings jerseys.) J.D.'s Narration: ...Or going out with an intern to make your wife happy... Leslie: Hey, Dr. Cox, we're going coffee, you want to come? Dr. Cox: Get--get the hell away from me. (The interns laugh.) Dr. Cox: Why are you all smiling? Leslie: Keith said you'd be mean. But then you'd tell us sports stories. Dr. Cox: Oh my God. (Dr. cox exits, followed by the interns. Cut to cafeteria.) J.D.'s Narration: ...or agreeing to be the bad guy for your boss. Carla: Hi! (Ted and Laverne leave. Janitor drags his table away.) Carla: Oh, come on! (Cut to Marc's room. J.D. continues his examination.) J.D.'s Narration: When you're the one paying the price it can really make you wonder... J.D.: He's bleeding out. Prep the OR. CAN I HAVE THE CRASH CART IN HERE!! J.D.'s Narration: ...was it worth it? (Nurses enter with resuscitation equipment and they begin to work on Marc.) Marc's room. Turk: So one of the ligation sutures came undone, but we got it in time. He should be fine now. J.D.: OK, Nurse Winston, call me if there's any change. (J.D. and Turk exit the room.) J.D.: Dude, how awesome was last night? Turk: Dude, you got bowled by my frat brothers. J.D.: No, man, we're all cool now. They even invited me to this alumni thing they're having in January. Turk: The Martin Luther King Fling? J.D.: Sounds hot. Hey, we're going out Thursday, right? Because I went online and got a magic eight-ball bowling ball. Check this: Are the ladies going to love this? "Ask again later?" Oh, I'm just kidding, it says yes. Turk: You know what? Thursday night might not work for me. J.D.: You're going. Where are the interns? Turk: They're with Dr. Cox. Apparently he's mentoring them and talking to them and stuff. J.D.'s Thoughts: What?! (J.D. exits. Cut to Admissions Area. Dr. Cox enters, followed by the interns.) Dr. Cox: OK, that's it! This right here is the "get ht line." Cross it at your own risk. Leslie: When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old. Dr. Cox: Never, Leslie. Leslie: He knows my name! Dr. Cox: [whistles] I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen, please, I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you. Gloria: But my boyfriend is bi-curious and he wants me to pick his lovers. Dr. Cox: I might have an answer for that: Ew. I mean come on, children, what do you actually think is going to happen here? Do you think I'm going to take you and sit you down next to me and say, uh, "listen, um, if you need anything... (J.D. enters.) Dr. Cox: ...you've got my pager. Just know that I'm there for you, always." J.D.: Oh. My. God. Dr. Cox: Newbie... J.D.: No! Zip it! I am so G-darn pissed right now. I was OK when you kept me at an arm's length because everybody said "that's just Cox. That's how he operates." And I believed them. Now I walk in on this. This bi-racial love fest? You know what? I hate to do it, but I'm giving you back the pencil. That's right. The pencil you gave me on my third day of work. You handed it off to me like a--like a tiny yellow baton. Like you were trying to say to me "J.D., you are the new me. You, J.D., are my mentee. You -- are my son." Dr. Cox: What pencil? J.D.: Oh, that's perfect. (J.D. pulls a very short pencil our from behind his ear.) J.D.: That's perfect. You know what, take it! (J.D. throws the pencil at Dr. Cox.) J.D.: Maybe you can use it with Rex, or Gloria, or that guy. Dr. Cox: That guy's name is Leslie. J.D.: Heh. His name is Leslie. His name is Leslie. You're name is Leslie. All right, good for you, Leslie. (J.D. exits. J.D. enters and tackles Leslie in a rage.) J.D.: LESLIE! (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Carla: So do you think everyone's still mad at me? Elliot: Oh, I'm... (Elliot stops as Janitor, Todd, Ted and Laverne enter in slow motion. Janitor gives Carla the evil eye as low chanting and organ music play in the background. Janitor stops them.) Janitor: Guys, come on, I'm the only one giving the evil eye. We worked on this. Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye. Ted: It's all I've got! Janitor: I don't believe that. Now come on. Let's suck it up. Dig deep, concentrate and just... (They all give Carla the evil eye and the music resumes for several moments. Janitor stops it again.) Janitor: And break. Nice. Very nice, guys, even you. Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad. Carla: What do I have to do to make it up to you? Laverne: Go, Ted. Ted: We want tickets to the Latin Grammys. We figure you might know someone. Carla: I don't. Elliot: Oh, Carla, please... Carla: [interrupting] Elliot! I don't. Elliot: How about she just buys rounds for everyone at the bar? Laverne: [in unison] Martinis, cool. Ted: [in unison] Aww. Todd: [in unison] Oh, OK, see you, guys. (Todd, Ted and Laverne exit.) Carla: That was easy, hm? Janitor: Latin Grammys o nada. (or nothing) (Cut to ICU. Dr. Cox is putting on his jacket.) Carla: A bunch of interns are looking for you. Dr. Cox: I know. I'm in my streets because I'm sneaking out of here early. All because of Jordan and her stupid couples' night. Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, Perry, speaking of couples nights, I don't know if you and Jordan like camping, but this weekend, me and the wife, and a pretty interesting guy named Ron are heading out to the lake. Dr. Cox: Keep moving, Zeltzer. Dr. Zeltzer: Rain check. (Dr. Zeltzer exits.) Carla: So, you gotta leave early. Thanks to Kelso, I gotta take half the hospital staff out for drinks so they don't hate me. Turk: Thanks to J.D. I'll be up forever doing these damn case reports. Plus, I lost the one night a week that I look forward to. Carla: What about the two nights a week we spend together? Turk: Now I am so mad at J.D. Dr. Cox: That's it. We gotta let these people know what they're putting us through. Carla: Let's do this. Turk: Let's do it. (Cut to doctor's lounge. Keith is modeling the same clothes Dr. Cox was wearing.) Jordan: I like this particular outfit because it's casual and the pant pockets are extra deep which is perfect for storing makeup. Elliot: He's like a giant purse! Jordan: Ah! Keith: This shirt is itchy. Jordan: Oh, oh, ssh-ssh. Purses don't talk. (Dr. Cox enters. He stops when he sees Keith. Dr. Cox and Keith both scratch their noses and fold their arms.) Dr. Cox: Jordan, you promised this would never happen. (J.D. enters and gasps when he sees the two dressed identically.) J.D.: How dare you! (J.D. throws his papers in the air and storms off.) Dr. Cox: Could we talk? Jordan: One sec. [to Elliot] I just wanted to thank you for the other night. Since Perry and I had Jack, we don't get to go out that much as a couple and it was really nice. Don't tell anyone I'm nice. Elliot: Oh, Mm. No. (Cut to Dr. Kelso's office.) Carla: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk. (Dr. Kelso is looking at a picture of Baxter.) Dr. Kelso: Baxter was a good dog. You never think you're going to miss animals as much as you do. It was just nice having some creature in my life who never disappointed me. Never judged me. Never showed up late at my 50th birthday party with freshly pierced nipples and a barely-legal Filipino boy named Pogo. My son Harrison. Carla: I figured. Dr. Kelso: Man's best friend, huh? They got that one right. Carla: At least you stopped crying. Dr. Kelso: Oh, not really. My body can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'll be all right. (Dr. Kelso points to wall behind him.) Carla: There's nobody standing behind you. Dr. Kelso: I'm going to need an IV. (Cut to Marc's room.) Turk: J.D. Can I talk to you? J.D.: I can't right now, I gotta go check on Frank. (J.D. exits.) Turk: So, you missing the other half of you liver? Marc: Oh, I'm not. But my gall bladder's pretty broken up about it. Apparently they had a thing. Turk: You got a gift, man, a gift! Did your brother freak out when you told him you almost died? Marc: Oh, I didn't tell Frank. Look at him. He's so happy. If he knew what I went through, he'd feel terrible. Why would I want to do that to him when I love him so much? (J.D. enters.) J.D.: Hey, Turk, you wanted to talk to me? (Screen splits three ways.) Jordan: You wanted to talk to me? Dr. Kelso: You wanted to talk to me? (Each screen cuts from Turk to J.D., Jordan to Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso to Carla. They say nothing. Cut to the bar.) Keith: Dr. Cox, can we talk about something besides sports this time? Dr. Cox: Uhh... Carla: You're OK. Dr. Cox: OK, uh, Keith, you may choose between good scotch, ab workouts or Lee Marvin movies. (Carla walks to another table with a pitcher of beer.) Carla: And who over here needs a refill? Todd: Yes, please. Laverne: Thanks for the 'tini, Carla. Carla: You got it, mama. (Carla walks to another table.) Carla: Here you go, grumpy. Janitor: Latin Grammys! Carla: I can tell you the nominees? Janitor: Rapidoso. (Quickly) Carla: Category? Janitor: Uh, reggaeton. (Cut to bowling alley.) J.D.: I'm having a great time, man. Turk: Me too. J.D.: Cheers.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x17 - My Chopped Liver"}	foreverdreaming
Admissions Area. Carla is holding and petting a hamster. Carla: Ohh, what a cutie. Where did this little guy come from? J.D.: Doug found him in some dad guy's colon. Carla: Plagh! J.D.: Hey little guy. Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing. Doug: Why would he live in there? Turk: Diseased rodent should be nowhere near my pregnant princess. J.D.'s Narration: Carla being pregnant had changed everyone. It made Dr. Kelso softer. Dr. Kelso: Ahh, I think the children in pediatrics would love this little fella. Ha ha! J.D.'s Narration: Carla's pregnancy also affected Elliot. Elliot: OK, so we're both off in a few minutes. Here's what's going to happen. We're heading back to my place. Keith: Oh, yeah? Elliot: I'm going to put on something very naughty. Keith: Awesome. Elliot: And then we're going to have sex and pretend that we aren't using protection and that we're trying to make a baby. Keith: Un-awesome. Elliot: Keith, we're doing this. I need it. J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I bought a custom-made Italian suit. J.D.: Eh? What do you think? I had it made for the christening. That little mixed-race embryo got a godfather yet? Turk: J.D., that's something we have to discuss as a couple. Carla: You know what, I'm not sure that suit works on you. J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla. [to camera] But I'm much more interested in what you all think. Lonnie: We don't love it. J.D.: Well, who cares, Lonnie. [to camera] Because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it. Americo: [Italian accent] For the last time, it's Americo. And of course I love it. I made it! J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor. Not sure why he's here. Carla: You better put your scrubs on, Herbert's back. J.D.: How you doing, buddy? J.D.'s Narration: Because of his weight, Herbert was a frequent visitor and no one liked treating him. J.D.'s Narration: He wasn't a mean thing. See, with big people, even the simple stuff is more difficult. I didn't mind, because Herbie was my man. J.D.: How you feeling, love bug? Herbert: Fully loaded. Hey, it's time for my sponge bath, right? I need three girls... J.D.: [interrupting] Herbie, it's not a bath house. J.D.: We'll get those bandages off later today, Mr. Brooks, all right Mr. Brooks: Mmhmm. Dr. Cox: [whistles] OK, as you all know, Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits, courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as like to refer to them, you people. Now since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher the medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny, peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shting for five. Ted: Only three unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult, but my mom calls me that and she loves me, right? Dr. Cox: No, Ted, she hates you. Four. Now since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going to let him hand-select his very own victim. Ted? Ted: I'll take Claire! Claire: Oh, God. Ted: You turned me down fourteen times for drinks. Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh? J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, I had the chance to comfort Claire. J.D.: You look like you need to be rescued. J.D.'s Narration: Life was good, but then came a surprise visit from my brother, and a round of the game he likes to call "Watch her leave." Dan: There's no easy way to say this. We've got the crabs. Dan: Oh, she was cute. J.D.: Yes, she was, Dan. Thank you. [to camera] We'll be right back. Patient: Was he talking to us? Carla: Don't know, don't care. Here, take this. Cafeteria. J.D.: So, Dan. To what do we owe this...something? Dan: I had to blow out of town. Mom doinked her new boyfriend and then goaded him into getting me a job interview where he works. Yuhh. J.D.: Well, you know, Mom does what she has to do. Dan: What do I need with a full time job? I got a sweet setup and home, I got this sweet bed up in Mom's attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon, rest his soul, and because I'm the senior bartender at K-Diggs, I get to take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you. Dr. Cox: Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream? Dan: That does not count as a formal hello, Coxsmith. J.D.: Don't call him Coxsmith. Dan: I call him Coxsmith. J.D.: Well, OK. Dan: So what's new around here? Turk: Carla's pregnant. Dan: Dude, bummer. Turk: No, we're trying to have kids. Dan: Oh, congratulations. That's great. Not really a big kid person. Are you guys totally, uh, freaking out? Carla & Turk: [in unison] Nah... J.D.'s Narration: And they weren't. They were taking it all in stride. Carla: OK, here's how I think we should name our baby. It's what my parents did. If it's a girl, I get to pick the name. If it's a boy, you pick the name. Turk: OK. Carla: I like "Angie" for a girl. Turk: And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu'Kwan! Wassup! Carla: OK, you know what? I think we should pick the names together. Turk: OK. Because I was thinking, you know, for a girl... Carla: [interrupting] Sweetie, we already have a girl's name. And for a boy, why not name him after your cousin? Turk: Tiger? Carla: Turk, I'm begging you to stop telling people that, no one believes you. Turk: Well tell that to the last two women I slept with before you, OK? Sha-boing. Boing. Turk: Oh, God. Carla: I'm talking about your other cousin, George. Turk: I like that. Carla: Yeah. Turk: George and Angie, all right. Carla: Oh, and if you mention the names to anyone, they'll ruin them for us, so don't tell anyone, OK? No one. J.D.: What's up my ngro amigo? Turk: Nothing. J.D.: Hey, I paged you because I can't figure out what's going on with Herbert. He's got acute back pain and all that caused it are quinosines. Turk: If we have a girl, we're gonna name her Angie. Dan: Hey, Chris. If there was a test to see of your baby was gay would you do it? Carla: Oh, sweetie, he's... Turk: [interrupting] Extremely, yes. And I'm OK with it.) Dan: Anyway, Elliot wasn't in the lab. Turk: Oh, she's at home. J.D.: Oh, you know what, I'll be done in a couple of seconds. We'll find her. Dan: OK. Hi, Herbert. Herbert: Keep it cool, man. Dan: Dan train. Woo woo! J.D.: Thanks a lot, dude. Turk: What? J.D.: That Dan train used to hook up with Elliot. Turk: So? Herbert: So? Man, your boy J.D.'s been telling him that Elliot still likes him. J.D.: Doctor-patient confidentiality goes both ways, Mr. I-Prefer-My-Temperature-Taken-Through-the-Back-Door. Herbert: What? I mean it tickles. J.D.: Look, Dan doesn't exactly have the world by the tail, OK? Every time he calls me all depressed, the only thing I can think of to cheer him up was to say "Elliot still digs you." I'm just trying to find a way to make him feel good about himself, you know? Turk: If we have a boy, we're gonna name him George. J.D.: What about Tiger? Herbert: Hey, man, where'd your brother go, anyway? J.D.: Oh boy. J.D.: [on phone] Call Elliot...call Elliot...No. N -- Call Elliot...got her... Elliot: We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby. Keith: OK, you gotta stop saying that. Elliot: Keith, we're role-playing, all-right? This is not real, now let's just do this! Keith: All right. Elliot: Promise me you'll hold me like this when I'm pushing your baby out my bajingo? Keith: All right, I'm putting on a third condom. Elliot: Keith! Elliot: What?! Elliot: [on phone] No, J.D., I'm not going to act like I want to bone your brother, I'm telling him the truth. Dan: Hey, Elliot's wearing lingerie. Elliot: Hey, Dan, J.D. told me you were coming. Um, this is Keith. I'm sure you're a little disappointed. Dan: Yeah, I'm in. [to Keith] I go first. Elliot: Yeah b- um... Keith: Elliot, you have to ask me about things like this. Elliot: And that is the father of my fake baby. Jordan: Ugh. I gotta go down to Jack's preschool. Apparently Seymour was teasing him, so he punched him in the face. Dr. Cox: Do Seymour's parents have to go down there? Jordan: I doubt it. They're turtles. Dr. Kelso: Count yourself lucky. My son just sent me a picture of himself sitting on the lap of his new boyfriend, Winston. Dr. Cox & Jordan: [in unison] Huh. Jordan: Why are they dressed up as Tonto and the Lone Ranger? Dr. Kelso: Well I'd like to tell you they're going to a costume party, but apparently those are their jammies. Dr. Cox: Come on, look on the bright side. He is like the daughter that you never had, only gay and unsuccessful. Dr. Kelso: Ha! Tell me about it! Dr. Cox: It's so funny the way kids are, isn't it? Ha ha ha! You never know how it's going to go. J.D.'s Narration: Now that Dan knew that Elliot wasn't in to him, my focus had shifted from keeping him away from her, to avoiding him so he doesn't kll me. J.D.: Hey, Mr. Brooks, let's get these bandages off you. J.D.: What are you doing here? Janitor: Mr. Brooks wanted some safety tips on how to safely operate propane heaters. J.D.: As long as you're not my brother. Janitor: I had a brother once. Well, I shouldn't say once, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about 12. He was about 46. Actually older than my parents. His name was Cleat. And he talked like this. [with accent] Howsitgoin? Howsitgoin? [normally] Good kid. Did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever had to be done. Everything was good till he was in his fifties, and then, wow, did he have a midlife crisis. Him and my dad fought constantly. And I mean, really, physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it though. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line. J.D.: Yeah. Janitor: Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is because your brother told me that if I could keep you focused on me, he would let me watch. J.D.: Watch what? Dan: Hey, little brother. J.D.: WAAAAHHH!! Carla: I can't believe those kids are playing with that dad guy's butt hamster. Turk: That is disgusting. Girl: It's my turn to hold Angie. Carla: What did she call that thing? Turk: Uh, baby, we should go. Carla: Ah-ah...[to girl] Where did you come up with that name? J.D.: I guess I could help you name her. Let's see. It's a girl hamster, what about Angie? Girl: I love it! J.D.: Me too. Angie, guys? Kids: Yeah! J.D.: Angie it is. Turk: Hold his arms! J.D.: Wait, Turk, it was an accident, OK? The name just popped into my head! Turk: Shut up!! You just shut up right now! Pink belly. J.D.: No! Turk! J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, Turk was the greatest pink-bellyer in all the land. Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. Dare I say, I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you. Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantakerous, you're like House without the limp. Dr. Cox: Ohh... Dr. Kelso: Ted, I've decided this project is over the head of the that pretty little lady, there, so Dr. Cox will replacing her. Claire: That was the longest three hours of my life. Ted: Call me! Ted: Tell you what she's not good at. Staring contests. Dr. Cox: Why, Bob? Dr. Kelso: Why the hell not? J.D.: So, Herbert, how you doing with your diet, man? Herbert: The best I could do, man. How's your tummy? J.D.: Uh, Turk was so proud of his handiwork that he signed it. J.D.: I think he knows it's so painful I won't be able to wash it for some time. Herbert: Hey, man, y'all two OK? J.D.'s Narration: Actually, we were. Because the way the whole brother thing works, now that Dan had beaten me up, it was all over. Dan: WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT ELLIOT?! J.D.'s Narration: Or not. J.D.: Oh, come on, man, a girl like Elliot could never be into somebody like you. Dan: Why wouldn't she be into me? J.D.'s Narration: The obvious response was that Elliot was looking for a guy with more going on in his life. And the only way to gently break that to my brother was this: J.D.: Elliot wants to have kids right now, and she knows you're not ready. Dan: Ohhhhh...bummer. Herbert: Hey, man, don't worry about it, man, he bought it. It's cool. Hallway: J.D. is running through. J.D.'s Narration: I have to Elliot before my brother, Dan, does. Elliot: Herbert, I'm afraid your back pain might involve your spinal cord, so we need to get you an MRI. Now where is my pen? J.D.: Elliot! Elliot! Elliot: 'Sup, J.D.? J.D.: My brother is on his way up. You have to tell him that the only reason you don't want to be with him is because he doesn't want kids right now. Elliot: J.D., just tell him the truth. J.D.: Elliot, the last time I was honest with Dan about his life it just made him feel like crap. And he didn't talk to me again until our dad died. Do you really want me to do that? Because I'm not sure what would get us back together this time. Dad can't die again. Dan: What's going on, guys? Dr. Cox: I am not having a staring contest with you, Ted. Ted: OK, one-nothing me, oh yeah. Yeah. OK, back to work. OK, this next patient claims their s-s-stent was implanted incorrectly. What's a stent? Dr. Cox: A tube that holds arteries open. Ted: All right. And, what's a Buckland? Dr. Cox: It's a predominantly hairless growth that is never found on women. Ted: Weird. Dr. Cox: It's your last name, Ted. Ted: Good one. Dan: So, uh, you got the baby fever, huh? Elliot: Yup, heh. Hopefully I'm already pregnant with Keith's child. Keith: Oh, come on! I'm 25 and I haven't even been to Europe! Elliot: Keith, wait! Dan: I got a good feeling about those two. Well, I'm off. J.D.: All right, man. Say hi to Mom for me. Dan: Yup. Get my stuff. J.D.'s Narration: And like that, he was gone. Turk: You know what name I've always liked for a girl? Honor. Carla: Turk, you know how mean boys are. They'd be all like "I got Honor, did you get Honor?" Turk: Yeah, everybody got Honor. She's easy. Carla: It's your daughter. Turk: Yes, it is. Carla: It's just weird. Angie was perfect, now nothing seems as good. Turk: What you got there, sir? Dr. Kelso: dad hamster. Turk: Angie's dad? Baby, we got our name back! Carla: Yeah! Turk: Uh-huh! Janitor: Sir, if no one's officially called dibs? Dr. Kelso: Take it, freak. Janitor: What? I'm making a hamster vest for one of my squirrels. Jordan: What's going on? Ted: [on phone] I love you too, dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend. Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking a five. Why? Why is Kelso doing this to me? Jordan: You know. Dr. Cox: No, I don't. All I remember is we were both making fun of our kids, and bam, he stuck me with Ted. Jordan: No, no. You made fun of your kid, he made fun of his kid, and then you made fun of his kid. Don't you get it? Jordan: You can never say bad things about someone else's kid. Ever. Ted: [on phone] Mmm, if you can't reach that spot with the lotion, I'll get it for you when I get home late tonight. OK, kisses. Ted: You ready to get back in there? Dr. Cox: Yeah. I gotta vomit first. J.D.: OK, guys, let's all gather round, huddle up. Now, you guys, Herbert in there needs an MRI, but he won't fit into our machine. Does anybody know what we should do? J.D.'s Narration: Nobody wanted to say it, but sometimes when hospitals have Herbert-sized patients they'll send them to the one place that has MRI machines big enough: the zoo. J.D.: I know what you're all thinking, but I'm not going to do that to Herbert, it's too humiliating. Elliot: Herbert, you're too big for our MRI machine, so we're gonna have to take you to the zoo. Herbert: Damn. Well, that sucks. Elliot: You kinda brought this on yourself, didn't you? Herbert: [sighs] Damn. J.D.: Why do you hate Herbert? Elliot: He's been in here seven times, all for weight related problems. I mean, he's never even tried to get healthier. Sometimes protecting someone's feelings isn't the best way to go. J.D.: Spare me the tough love speech, all right? You really think that going in there and being mean to Herbert is going to cause him to turn his life around and lose 100 pounds? Elliot: Probably not, but as long as I'm still in there trying to get him to change, then I can sleep at night. When you think about your brother later, how are you going to sleep? Carla: Angie and George. Turk: Mmm. Carla: Wow. Turk: You know what's weird? Carla: Hmm? Turk: Now that they have names, everything seems so real. I can see George's smile. And I can see Angie having your curly hair. Carla: I hope she doesn't have my ear infections. Carla: I was really sick as a baby. Turk: I was a climber. Our windows don't have bars on them. If George gets up there, he's falling right into the alley. Carla: What if George doesn't love me? Turk: What if Angie stops breathing in her sleep? Carla: [gasp] Turk: Why did we have to pick these stupid names? I hate it when things get real! Carla: You know, when I was in high school, I had a shop teacher named George who hated black people. Turk: There was a prosttute at my town mall. Her name was Angie. Carla: Great, well, those names are out. Turk: Yeah, they're out! Carla: And we don't need new ones! Turk: We don't need new ones for nine months! I'm ready for bed. Carla: Me too. Turk: OK. Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. You got a minute? Dr. Kelso: If you klled Ted, I don't want to know about it. Just make sure it's not traceable to the hospital. Dr. Cox: That's not why I'm here, but it's good to know. Look, uh, I just wanted to apologize for what I said about your son. Dr. Kelso: Well, he hasn't turned out exactly as I'd planned. For example, I always imagined we'd spend his thirteenth birthday fly-fishing in Montana. Dr. Cox: Where did you spend it? Dr. Kelso: On 42nd street, camped out for eight misbehaving tickets. He's a good kid though. Dr. Cox: Tell me about him. Dr. Kelso: He is a good kid. He's always been a good kid. And the first time I knew we weren't on the same page was when he took up knitting. Dr. Cox: Knitting? Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I thought he was gonna learn how to tie knots. J.D.: Hey, Dan? Dan: Hey, Johnnie. Just packing up. Thought you had to work? J.D.: I do, but I want to talk to you about something. Dan: Yeah, what's up? J.D.: Elliot doesn't want to have babies with Keith. Dan: Huh. Tough break for Keith. You know, I almost had a threesome with that guy. J.D.: When I said Elliot would never be into a guy like you, it's because you're a 35 year-old bartender who still lives in our mother's attic and is showing no signs of changing. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, Dan, I'm telling you this because I think you have the potential to do whatever you want to do with your life. But you have to actually try. J.D.'s Narration: And then I got the answer I expected. Dan: Don't you have to get back to work? J.D.'s Narration: Even though I knew my brother wasn't going to change, Elliot was right. It comes down to what helps you sleep at night. Carla: Who are we kidding? This is so real now, there's no way we can sleep! J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's a sense of denial... J.D.'s Narration: ...or the fact that you love your son. J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I was just happy to get some rest. J.D.: Hey. Dan: Hey, Johnnie, is it cool if I borrow this suit? I figured I might wear it to that job interview. J.D.: You know what, man, you might as well just keep it. Dan: Yeah, I'll keep it. Hey, uh, you think anyone would ever really hire me? J.D.: I think you can do whatever you want to do. Dan: Take it easy, little brother.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x18 - My New Suit"}	foreverdreaming
Turk's and Carla's Apartment. J.D. is painting a mural on the wall. J.D.'s Narration: Turk and Carla were converting my old bedroom into a nursery, so I helped paint a mural for the new baby. Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Done. Carla: Oh, hell no. Carla: Is that big, ugly one sh*ting laser beams into the crib? Turk: That's Optimus Prime, and I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him the big, ugly one. J.D.: No, he wouldn't. Turk: No, he wouldn't. J.D.: Not Optimus. Turk: Secondly, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb into bed with us. That's what I did with my mom. Carla: What do you mean "did?" J.D., last Christmas I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling in bed. J.D.'s Narration: Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother. Turk: I think you're just jealous because your mom's dad. J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break. Carla: No, no no no, you're going to finish building that crib like you promised, and you are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave and asking her for forgiveness. Turk: I hate having to ask for forgiveness. Carla: How's my mom doing? Turk: I asked her if she still hated me and the sprinklers came on. Carla: Give her time. She's only been dad for three years. Turk: But, baby, it's too soon to be putting a nursery together, or test driving minivans, or buying baby monitors. J.D.: [over baby monitor] I can't get this crib together. And would somebody please bring me a glass of water? Carla: You go this time. J.D.: Thank you. J.D.'s Narration: Thinking about Turk and Carla becoming parents made me think about my own mom, and how much she probably misses me. I bet she wishes she could see what life is like around here through my eyes. J.D.'s Narration: And that's why I strapped my video camera on top of my head. Lonnie: Morning, weirdo. J.D.: Lonnie. J.D.'s Narration: It was the perfect idea. She got to meet my superiors. Dr. Kelso: Sorry, the old man stole some ice cream. J.D.'s Narration: I even got some great footage of Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox: Where the hell have you been? J.D.: I'm making a video postcard. Do you have a message for my mom? Dr. Cox: No, but since she brought you into this world, I have a message for her uterus. Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore. J.D.: She had a hysterectomy last month. I'm sure I can just edit over that part. Dr. Cox: Let's go see Mr. McNair. J.D.'s Narration: Mr. McNair had locked-in syndrome. A paralysis so severe that he could only communicate through a computer that responds to his eye movements. Dr. Cox: Check his vitals, Ava. Mr. McNair: Why does he call you a girl's name? J.D.: Oh, thank you for asking, Mr. MacNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is the closer he feels to a person, the more he means to push them away. So when he calls me Ava, he's actually saying "J.D., I care about you." Vulnerable people, like... Mr. McNair: [interrupting] Oh my God. I get it now. Carol...Carol...Carol...Carol...Carol... J.D.: Now you're being a jerk...jerk...jerk...jerk! JERK! Dr. Cox: [whistles] Newbie! J.D.: What? Dr. Cox: I'm relatively certain the computer is broken. J.D.: My bad. J.D.: I felt bad for Mr. McNair, but I was off until six tonight, so I decided to grab a quick nap in the sun. J.D.: What the...whoa! Admissions Area. Turk: Where the hell is J.D.? Carla: He's off until six. Turk: You know any second now he's going to come walking through that door all lost in his thoughts. Janitor's Thoughts: With Dorian taken care of, I'm not sure how I should spend my day. I suppose I could clean. Hee hee hee, God, help me, that one still makes me laugh. Oh, no. It's Black Kojak and Scary Nurse Wife. I'll get rid of them with an innocuous compliment. Janitor: You are glowing. Janitor's Thoughts: Free and clear. Turk: Have you seen J.D.? J.D.: Where am I? Hello? Anyone? Janitor: No. Don't know where he is. Janitor's Thoughts: Man, I love that adrenaline rush you get from lying to someone's face. Do it again! Janitor: Dr. Kelso, I must say, your nose hairs are not the least bit long and creepy like most old guys. Dr. Kelso: Thank you. Dr. Kelso: Hey, Perry, great shirt! I wish I'd thought of athletic apparel when I went through my mid-life crisis. It would have been a hell of a lot less expensive than a cigarette boat named "Dr. Feelgood." Dr. Cox: That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro. Turk: "Bro?" Dude, bros don't even use "bro." You're not as hip as you think you are. Dr. Cox: And you are? Turk: I'm black. God knew my people would go through some struggles, so He gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate. Just like He knew white people would be rhythmically challenged, so He gave y'all this dance. Dr. Cox: You're black? Because last I checked, you had a nerdy, white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond and you damn sure act like a black guy, and these, my friend, are all characteristics of a white guy. Please understand, I'm a big supporter of the NAACP, and if you don't know that stands for, it is the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the "Colored People" to "African Americans" but then, of course, it wouldn't be the NAACP. It would be the N-Quad-A, or NAAAA, and I know this probably sounds like digression, but it actually leads me back to my original point. Do I think you're black? NAAAAAAHH! Nurse: Knock, knock! Janitor's Thoughts: Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead, who? You have a mophead. Nurse: Well, your new computer should be here tonight. Janitor: She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she? I know what that's like, when people just say the bare minimum to you. But with me, it's usually "mop that floor," "clean that counter," "stop provoking that bear." Want me to keep you company? I mean, I don't mind. I'm just working on my own stuff anyway. Janitor: I'm a bit of an inventor. Let me show you my latest one. Pen straw. Janitor: Perfect. Except I don't like that cola. Tastes like ink. But that's just one. I got a million ideas. Elliot: I don't care if you're on the first floor. I need this cleaned up right now! Janitor: I'm here! Time to open up the window! Elliot: That was quick. Janitor: I call it the Hover Hoover. Where suction meets the sky. Elliot: That's a very good question. It's just the problem is that I've already answered it five times. Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, would you mind explaining why you called the chief of surgery to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday? Elliot: I wasn't even here yesterday. Dr. Kelso: Yeah, but your interns were. And their mistakes are your mistakes. Whether it's an unnecessary consult or that young man's ridiculous haircut. Intern: This cost 60 dollars. Dr. Kelso: Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab. Elliot: Darn it, you guys, I'm sick and tired of all your careless mistakes. Lisa, why isn't this GI bleeder on telemetry? And, Keith, I know that you had a twelve hour shift yesterday, put that is no excuse for not turning in your patient histories. Keith: Elliot, you dragged me to dinner and then made me play Scrabble all night. Elliot: How you spend your private life isn't my responsibility, OK? Keith: Fine, I'll do them tonight. Elliot: Oh, you can't. You're taking me to the movies. Get on the ball, Keith! All of you, go work. Carla: Wow. Aren't you the big, bad-ass attending? Elliot: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK? Carla: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh? Elliot: Dr. Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the number of times he made me cry. Dr. Cox: 27, counting this morning. Elliot: Hm. Yeah, I'm PMS-ing and he made fun of my shoes. Dr. Cox: Laverne? What are you doing out here? Laverne: Well, tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts, and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat. Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. Turk: Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man, could I do this? Turk: That's game, all right? That's game. You got next? Dr. Cox: Yeah, I got next. Turk: Well, I should warn you, they call me the candy man because my moves are so sweet. Todd: Yeah, and they call me the pig because I say sexist and derogatory things to women. Laverne: Lonnie! Play with Dr. Cox. Lonnie: Let's go! Turk: HA! Look at the glasses! Look at the mouthpiece! Laverne: (to Dr. Cox) Dr. Turk is not aware the Lonnie was All-Conference at Villanova. Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me? Laverne: Jesus? Dr. Cox: That's him. Let's go! Turk: Check ball. Carla: Lisa, why did you order 100 units of insulin for Mrs. Best? Lisa: No, that's only 10 units. I just put a smiley face after the zero. Carla: Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal clear with your medical orders. Carla: OK, it's causing a bit of a seizure. Hey, Janitor! Come here, would you hold her legs down, please! Janitor's Thoughts: This is it. I'm in the show! Dr. Jan Itor! Carla: I'll give her an amp of E 50. Janitor: This is easy. It's just like drowning someone. Carla: OK, you can let her legs go now, I think we're good. Janitor: I didn't see the demon leave the body. Carla: I'm sure it did. Hey, Janitor, good job. Janitor: Good job. Lisa: Dr. Reid will kll me when she finds out about this. Carla: Relax, I'll go talk to Dr. Reid. It won't be a big deal. Elliot: What?! Oh, I'm gonna make someone burn for this. Who did it, Carla? Carla: [speechless] Janitor: I guess I just never knew how much I picked up just from working here, you know? I heard her yell "hold this woman's legs down!" And instinctively, I just -- I knew what to do. Laverne: Good for you. Now I have to go meet my husband at the bus station and pretend to be a street walker. Janitor: Enjoy your date night! Janitor's Thoughts: OK, Mr. Cool-Guy. You had your moment of glory, no need to make a big deal out of it. Janitor: Hey! Janitor: Slow down, buddy, what's the hurry? Come here. I'm gonna tell you a little story about a hero. Janitor's Thoughts: You know what? The hell with it. It feels good to get a little attention. Janitor's Narration: I'll tell you one thing. It's sure beats falling flat on your ass... Dr. Cox: Holy Moley! That'd be really embarrassing if you were black! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Turk: Great. Elliot: Seriously, Carla, I need to know who's responsible for this. Janitor's Narration: ...Or lying to cover someone's ass. Carla: I don't know. It was just a clerical error. There's no way to trace it. Janitor: Was I brave? Brave is a strong word. Perhaps the word is valiant. Off you go. Janitor's Narration: Anyway, for once I didn't feel like a jerk. Nurse: Is he still talking about holding that patient's legs? Doctor: Oh, give him a break. You know how hard it is to come here and bust our humps every day? Imagine how hard it is to come here knowing you don't make a difference. Mr. McNair's room. Janitor uses a cordless electric drill to spin spaghetti around a fork. Janitor: [singing] Drill fork. It's a drill and fork. Mostly fork. [normally] You know what, I don't care what those people said. I know I make a difference around here. Doctor: Hey, Jill. Janitor: They don't know how different it would be if I wasn't here. Doctor: Hey, Jill. Janitor: Yup. A lot of lives would change. In fact, I'm gonna prove that to them right now. I am going to fix your computer. I've just gotta go get my real tools. I've turned all of these into eating utensils. Dig in. Dr. Kelso: Do you know what time it is? Janitor's Thoughts: 4:15. Janitor: 3:30. Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank goodness, I thought I was running late. Janitor's Thoughts: I do love to lie. Elliot: Look at my face. Keith, what does it mean when I'm frowning? Keith: That you're feeling insecure and you're suspicious that I think someone on television is prettier than you. Elliot: At work, Keith. Keith: Ah--t-- Elliot: Well, Keith was half-right. This face does mean that I am suspicious. I was reviewing the medical records and I realized that Mrs. Best received an inordinate amount of insulin and I wanna know who screwed up. Carla: Elliot? Carla: You're wasting your time, you know how interns stick together. They're never going to rat each other out. Elliot: What you're forgetting, Carla, is that I am sleeping with one of those interns. Now seeing that I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down so that there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter, I'm betting that I'm probably going to be able to get them to talk. Keith! Meet me in the cafe in half an hour. Carla: Keith, you better not tell her who did it. Keith: But Elliot scares me. Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski-pole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid, pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fatter and angrier. Now who are you really afraid of? Keith: The fatty. Carla: Be careful, Keith. Carla: Oh, I love it. And you know, they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby. Can we get it? Turk: No. No, no, no, let's get back before someone sees it, matter of fact, get down! Scoot down! Carla: Hey! Dr. Cox: Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter? Dr. Cox: I hate to bother you, but, uh, could you explain to me one more time, what's it like to be a young, hip, black guy? Turk: [ghetto accent] See, Dr. Cox, what I'ma do, is we gonn' pimp dis out. We gonn' throw some 22's on it, put some spinners on the 22's... Carla: [interrupting] Oh! And a DVD player so the kids can watch Elmo! Turk: You're klling me, woman. Janitor's Narration: Sometimes around here, it feels like humiliation is contagious. Dr. Cox: Whoo! Janitor: Mr. McNair, I didn't exactly fix your computer. I think I might have voided your warranty. Keith: Elliot, I am not going to tell you who messed up with Mrs. Best. Elliot: Ah, no problem. I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee. Oh, and introduce you to my mom. Mrs. Reid: Ha, "mom." That makes me sound so old. I had C-sections with all my kids, so everything is as it was down there. Keith: Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid. Mrs. Reid: You and Elliot would have such cute babies. I keep telling her, she's only got five more years to pop one out. Have you ever seen chubby Elliot? Keith: Uh, no. Mrs. Reid: Well, if you want to see it, just break up with her and wait a couple of weeks. When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds at the bottom. Elliot: Hmm, love you too, Mom. Mrs. Reid: Ah! That's your dad. [on phone] How'd you get this number? Elliot: You like her? Because if you don't tell me which intern screwed up, I'm going to beg her to move here. Keith: She's just a little weird, Elliot. I can handle weird. Mrs. Reid: I'm sorry, the light just ht you so perfectly. I had to have a taste. [on phone] No, not you. Keith: It was Lisa. I would have told you earlier, but someone told me not to. Elliot: Who told you not to? Carla: Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr. Cox said, are you? You know you're my black prince! Turk: Baby, that's not it. I know I'm black, I'm reminded all the time. Patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think I know the score to every NBA game, and I told you what happened last week, when the new board member met the surgical staff. Board Member: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. [to Turk] Hey, what up, dog? Nice to meet you. Turk: It's not even about that. It's about the nursery. It's about that stupid minivan. I don't know if you know this, but overnight I went from Chris Turk Stud to Grandpa Turk. The guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts. Carla: you do that now. Turk: But in a cool way. Dr. Kelso: Hey. Thanks to your telling me the wrong time prank, I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage. Which meant that instead of Pang Wa, I had to settle for Qing Lao. Janitor: So? Dr. Kelso: Qing Lao is A DUDE! You know, I've accepted the fact that you're useless around here. Maybe you should try a little harder and not make things worse. Janitor: See you know he doesn't get, is that I could have been a janitor anywhere. When I got out of college, I had offers, man. Morgan Stanley, DuPont. I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe. But no, I chose a hospital. And I'm no kidding myself. I know I don't have the most important job in the world, but I work in a place that helps people, and I always thought that I was part of that. Who cares? Elliot: Have you seen Carla? Dr. Cox: Nope. My turn. Have ever seen how stupid you look when you do your angry-quick walk? Elliot: Carla covered for one of my interns and then lied to my face about it. Dr. Cox: Come on. Of course she did. If an intern got hammered by their attending and stripped what little self-confidence they have every time they messed up, there wouldn't be any interns left. And lucky for everyone in this dump, Carla happens to have been here long enough to identify when someone needs to be protected. Elliot: These kids need to start standing on their own... Dr. Cox: [interrupting] You got that right sister, because you definitely got where you are all on your own. Elliot: Well you sure as hell didn't give me any help. Dr. Cox: I didn't say I did. Carla: It's OK, really. It's not a big deal. Elliot: Dr. Cox is going to k*ll me. Carla: Well, Dr. Cox doesn't have to find out. Just promise me that you're going to practice repositioning just once. Elliot: I promise. Carla: OK. Carla: Turk, I get it. Having a baby changes things. Turk: I just don't want to say goodbye to the life we have now, you know? Carla: Baby, you don't have to. We'll still have fun. Go to bars, go dancing. Turk: Really? Carla: No. We'll have a baby, that would be crazy. Just focus on the positives. For instance, we'll still have lots of sex. Turk: Really? Carla: No! But I can tell you that this is normal. You'll get through it. Turk: Come to think of it, what would really help me get through it... Carla: Man you're gullible today. Janitor: Well, Mr. McNair, hope you didn't mind me hanging out all day talking to you. I don't think you do mind. I've got a seventh sense about that sort of thing. My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid. Anyway, I know you lost your computer and I thought maybe you were a little bit lonely. I've been lonely around here a couple times. I don't know. I just hope I helped. Dr. Cox: Nobody's buying it. Here we go, your new computer is finally here, sorry it took so long. Janitor: What time is it? Dr. Cox: Uh, 6:00. J.D.: WAAAHHH! Janitor: How was your day? J.D.: Cold. Janitor's Thoughts: Now help him up so he thinks there's hope for our relationship yet. J.D.'s Narration: Even though the Janitor had basically kidnapped me, when he helped me up, I couldn't help but feel there was hope for our relationship yet. I guess being locked up all day really make you appreciate the things that really matter... Elliot: Hey, did I ever thank you for all the help you've given me over the years? Carla: Don't sweat it. J.D's Narration: ...Like the support of a friend... Turk: What up, dawg? Yeah, you know I'm down to play ball, I just gotta drop Junior off with the old lady at the ducky park. Yeah. Yeah, then we gonn' hoop it up. [pause] Hey, you know what, this isn't gonna work. I can't, I can't. Dr. Cox: And there you go, Mr. McNair. Mr. McNair: Thank you. Dr. Cox: Don't mention it. Mr. McNair: I wasn't talking to you.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x19 - His Story III"}	foreverdreaming
Hallway. J.D. enters, heading towards the Nurses' Station with a cardboard box. He passes Todd, waiting around the corner. J.D.: Todd, what are you doing? Todd: Waiting for my moment. J.D.'s Narration: OK, moving on. It was time for my new daily ritual: asking Dr. Cox to lunch. J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, what are you doing for lunch? Dr. Cox: Not having it with you, Paula. J.D.: Oh, good luck eating. This is every spoon from the cafeteria. And guess what? Today just happens to be soup and frozen yogurt day. Elliot: Ooh! I'm gonna have, uh, tomato and strawberry. Dr. Cox: Lunch for us, not going to happen. Normally, I'd tell you something harsh right about now, like "we're not friends," but then you'll just grin that stupid grin and shake your head back and forth, like "how could that possibly be true?" J.D.: Because it's ludicrous. Dr. Cox: Ah, just give me a spoon, will you please? Dr. Cox: Oh, for goodness sake. J.D.: You called my bluff, and today isn't soup and frozen yogurt day, it's actually salad and smoothie day. Elliot: I'm still having tomato and strawberry. Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you give me a hot Italian sausage? Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you right here! People think I just luck into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go. J.D.: I think I may vomit. J.D.'s Narration: Some doctors like to change into their streets when they go out for lunch. Not me. I like how the world reacts to me as a doctor. Whether it's a friendly greeting from the world's slowest bagger... World's Slowest Bagger: Hey there, Dr. Dorian. J.D.: Lookin' good pal, eggs on top, OK? Eggs on top. J.D.'s Narration: ...Or a smile from the manager of the herbal section. J.D.: Hey, Rebecca, you got that Echinacea for me? Just kidding, you know I think all this stuff is voodoo. Good to see you. Hey, looks like somebody else is sick of that cafeteria stuff, huh? Dr. Cox: Aw, now what the hell, do you follow me here? J.D.: A friend dropped me off. J.D.: EAGLE! J.D.: Hey, wanna go splitsies on some deli counter meatloaf? I can't finish a whole serving. I mean I can, but I don't like to. It all goes right here. Dr. Cox: God, could this be any more of a nightmare? Jill: Guys! J.D.'s Narration: Yes, it could be more of a nightmare. Jill Tracy was a former patient who had once tried to kll herself. Sad, yes, but this did not change the fact that she was unbelievably annoying. Jill: Oh my God, what are you doing here? I was supposed to meet a guy for a date. I know what you're thinking, a Tuesday lunch date at the supermarket? He is so not into her. Well guess what? He's not! J.D. & Dr. Cox: [forced laughter] Jill: I waited for an hour just thinking "how many more guys from my yoga class can reject me before just saying enough," you know? Yogurt pretzels, oh yeah. These are addictive. I'm gonna have one anyway. So, you guys wanna grab some lunch? J.D.: Oh, we have to get back to the hospital. Jill: Bummer. Trail mix! Arrarrarr! Ha, I'm just kidding, I won't. Oh, stop, I'll have some. Dr. Cox: You know what, Newbie, stay. Have lunch. J.D.: One of those emergencies, I should probably go, too. How are things? Jill: Mmm... Rebecca: You know that's stealing. J.D.: Oh, come on, Rebecca, everybody's doing it. J.D.: I won't tell anyone if you don't. Rebecca: Security! J.D.: Security? Rebecca: We've got a grazer. J.D.: I don't think there's a security force at... J.D.: OK, hey fellas. Jill: Ha ha! Wherever you're taking him, take me, too! Nah, you go ahead. J.D.: Where's the shaving cream, is that aisle two, still? Hallway. J.D. walks through. J.D.'s Narration: Today was a busy day at Sacred Heart. J.D.'s Narration: We had three separate patients waiting for transplants. And we were doing everything we could to keep them alive until we could locate donors. There was Mrs. Sikes, who needed a new liver. There was Mr. Dennison, who needed a new heart valve. And then there was Dr. Cox's guy, Dave Bradford. Dr. Cox: So, now, Davey-boy, I promise you, we're going to find you a kidney. I would literally swear on my father's grave, but whenever I go there, I usually just end up dancing on it. Mr. Bradford: And so begins another round of "who had the worst dad." One of my pop's nicknames for me was Sparky, because he liked to light matches off my neck. Dr. Cox: We've been over this before. You win on account of your father's not dad yet. J.D.'s Narration: Most doctors stressed with so many people clinging to life. Dr. Cox vibed on it. Dr. Cox: As I lie in bed each morning and ask myself why I should put both feet on the floor, there are precious few reasons that I've ever been able to come up with. A chance to escape Jordan's morning breath? Sure. Scotch! It's too early to drink it, yes, but people, it is never too early to think about. And of course, the ever present possibility that I might finally happen upon Hugh Jackman and be able to give him the present that I've been holding for him. Dr. Cox: BAM! Still, the most persuasive argument I've ever been able to come up with is the fact that I get to come here, to this hospital, every day and help keep people alive. Turk: That's ironic, because four people just died while you were talking. Elliot: Look, we need to keep these people going until we can find donors. Dr. Cox: All right, Barbie, go check on Mrs. Sikes' ammonia levels, she's encephalopathic. Dr. Cox: Ghandi, review Dennison's chart and get me a consent. Dr. Cox: Bobbo! Get on the horn to cronies at local hospitals and get me a donor update. Dr. Kelso: Fine, some of the boys are coming over tonight anyway, I'll bring it up to Morrison while he sets up the projector for the stag flicks. Dr. Cox: Just the organs, Bob, don't need the visual of old men with erections. Carla: And now it's in my head forever. Dr. Cox: Sorry, go step up Davey's dialysis to take your mind off of it. Dr. Cox: Newbie, you feel like a sandwich? J.D.: I do feel like a sandwich. Dr. Cox: You feel more like a pastry, a very doughy pastry. I don't feel good about that. Way too easy. J.D.'s Narration: I had one objective: Pick up everyone's lunch at the grocery store and get out of dodge. J.D.: Whoa! Jill: J.D.! J.D.: Hey, Jill. Jill: How weird is it that we're both here two days in a row? J.D.: Mmm. Jill: I was thinking there might be a 50% chance that the guy who blew me off yesterday just got his days wrong and would be waiting here with roses. Is that sad? J.D.: It's not not sad. Jill: Plus I have the whole day free. My shrink couldn't make our appointment. He found his third wife in bed with his second wife and got so depressed that he downed an entire bottle of his bulimic daughter's Prozac. So now he's back in the hospital. J.D.: That's an awesome story, Jill. Jill: It's true, Heh hee hee. Elliot: Hey, what did you do last night? Carla: Turk made me watch Anaconda with him. Elliot: Oh, is that the one with the giant snake? Todd: No, this is the one with the giant snake. I was back here for 45 minutes waiting for a setup. My back is klling me. But I nailed it. It's about commitment. Carla: Hey, how could your intern used to sleep with him? Elliot: She's a tramp with no morals. Lisa: I never slept with the Todd. Elliot: Lisa is sweet and people just don't give her a chance. Carla: I wonder who else Todd lied about sleeping with. Nurse #1: I didn't sleep with him. Nurse #2: God no. Nurse #3: Are you kidding me? Gloria: Todd, is he the big, black security guard with the hook hand? Elliot: Uh, no. Gloria: Then no. Mr. Bradford: So I am I ever getting out of here? Dr. Cox: We haven't found you a kidney yet, but I have some ideas. Mr. Bradford: Yeah, this will do. J.D.: Ah, what the hell. I can live with one kidney. Dr. Cox: Because we'll probably just go ahead and sell this one. J.D.: Stay away from my organs! Turk: Dude, what the hell are you doing? J.D.: Having lunch. The cafeteria stinks and I can't go to the grocery store because apparently crazy Jill Tracy lives there. Every time I try and shop she follows me around, like I'm her only friend in the world. It's pathetic. Turk: I'm gonna go talk to Carla. J.D.: I'll come, too. Turk: Figured. Carla: Hey, why do think Todd lies about hooking up with all those women? Elliot: Maybe he's just overcompensating. You know, my brother, Barry, used to brag about all the girls he was dating, right before he quit JV baseball and started dancing for Japanese businessmen. Turk: Todd's not gay. Carla: Turk, he has leather jeans in, like, three different colors. Elliot: Barry used to dance in leather jeans. He'd come home and they'd be stuffed with yen. Janitor: I'll tell you when I first suspected he was gay. It was very subtly, but... J.D.: Oh, yeah, Dale, this is totally going to bring out your pecs. Plus, I'm using olive oil so I can lick it off later. Make 'em dance! J.D.: Oh, they're dancing! Somebody's making them dance! Whooo-wee! J.D.: Tell them it never happened! Janitor: It happened. I was there. Dr. Cox: I think I just got the move on signal from a hook. Elliot, Turk & Carla: [in unison] Mmhmm. Dr. Cox: Anyway, give me the update here. Carla: Your guy Bradford's electrolyte and fluid balance are sab. Turk: Mr. Dennison isn't looking so good. He's on max inotropes and still in failure. Elliot: Mrs. Sikes is fully encephalopathic. Her ammonium level's through the roof. She's circling the drain. Dr. Cox: Come on, now, let's try to keep these people alive. What do you say? Lisa: Dr. Dorian? Can you help me? J.D.: Sure, what's going on? Lisa: She was admitted a short time ago and she hasn't regained consciousness. Tox screen's positive for cocaine. Lisa: Do you think she could have OD'd? J.D.: She had been, uh, stood up on a couple dates. And, uh, she hadn't seen her shrink in a while. She was definitely depressed. Lisa: How do you know all that? J.D.: She told me. J.D.'s Narration: In hospitals, there are certain rules. J.D.'s Narration: With surgeons, if the overcompensating, pumped-up, shaved-down doctor seems gay... Turk: 'Sup, man, you trying a new workout? Todd: No, why? Todd: Oh, he's glistening. J.D.'s Narration: ...He's probably gay. J.D.'s Narration: And if there's good news for one doctor... Dr. Cox: People, I've got our organs. J.D.'s Narration: ...It probably means bad news for another. Mrs. Tracy: You can use her organs. J.D.: Thank you. Mrs. Tracy: Just tell me this: Is there anything anyone could have done? J.D.: [pause] No. J.D.'s Thoughts: Unless you mean me. ICU. J.D. enters. J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how quickly people improve once they get a new organ. Whether it's Mrs. Sikes, with her new liver, Mr. Dennison, with his new heart valve, or Dave. Dr. Cox: How, uh, how does that new kidney feel, huh? Mr. Bradford: It's a little loose. But I'll get used to it. Dr. Cox: Yeah you will. Mr. Bradford: Hey, thanks for everything, man. Dr. Cox: Don't sweat it. Dr. Cox: All right, people, gather round, here we go. Now, I'm sure we all recognize how rare it is to get a win like this, but seeing as we're surrounding by patients who are clinging to life, I'm going to give kudos in whisper form. [whispering] And since I am an egomaniac, first props come to me. Let me hear it, people. Turk: [whispering] You are some kind of superhero. Carla: [whispering] You're a god. Elliot: [whispering] You're a beautiful healer. Dr. Cox: [whispering] This was not a complete and total solo effort. It was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you. Dr. Kelso: I can't hear a word he's saying. Dr. Cox: Be older, Bob. Dr. Kelso: Oh, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering, it doesn't mean I'm old. Matter of fact, I'm going over to my office to tinker with my new computer. Turk: Ooh, what kind is it? Dr. Kelso: It's about 3:30. Ha ha ha ha! I heard what he said, people, but damn that joke's a classic. Dr. Cox: And why are you not giddy with praise, like those other people. Don't you know I dole out compliments at most once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months. J.D.: Any idiot could have seen that Jill was in trouble. I'm supposed to be a doctor, and I'm the reason she's dad. J.D.'s Narration: Then he said the words I never expected to hear. Dr. Cox: Why don't you and I go grab some lunch. That'd be good. Come on. Elliot: Oh, my God, he looks so sad. Carla: I just want to hold him like a big, gay baby. Turk: Ugh, this is incredible. An hour ago, you guys hated him. Carla: An hour he wasn't our new, gay best friend. Turk: Leave the Todd alone, OK? Because every time you two meddle, you know who suffers? Me. Remember when the Janitor took that chiropractic class and you guys wanted to encourage him? Turk: Guys, uh, I'm really not comfortable with this. Janitor: Now, now, you'll be fine. I've already done this on four mop heads, all right? Haven't had a complaint yet. Janitor: OK. Turk: Oh. Janitor: On three. One, two... Turk: AAAHH! Janitor: Better? Yes? Turk: WWAAAAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Elliot: You're fine. We're doing this. Turk: Does this sound fine to you? Janitor: I can fix that, buddy. On the count of three. One, two... Turk: Ooohh! Janitor: Yeah? Turk: No. Janitor: You owe me 500 dollars. Surveyor: Excuse me, could you spare a few minutes for AIDS research? Dr. Cox: Yes, I can, but I'm not sure just how much we'll get done. I tell you what. We'll go over here and brainstorm while we wolf down these sandwiches. Newbie, come. J.D.'s Thoughts: Vintage Cox. J.D.: You know what I was thinking the whole time I was havig lunch with Jill? Dr. Cox: What's that? J.D.: God, this girl's annoying. Dr. Cox: I saw her in that supermarket, too, but I'm not torturing myself. Would you like to know why? J.D.: Why? Dr. Cox: Because she didn't come to the hospital looking for help. We just randomly bumped into her out here in the world. I mean, don't get me wrong, if a guy gets sht, or if he has a heart att*ck and I am physically the closest doctor to him, I will intervene. But shy of that, you can't. I mean, you just can't. It's too much to ask of yourself. J.D.: OK, I hear you. Dr. Cox: No, you don't. Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren't your fault, my friend, that's a slippery slope that you can't come back from. And trust me, I've seen it ruin a hell of a lot of good doctors and I will not let it happen to you. J.D.'s Narration: And because he said that, I knew it wouldn't. Elliot: Game time. Let's go. Carla: Todd? Do you have a second? Todd: I was actually on my way to the gym. Carla: That's kind of what it's about. Todd: Whoa. Did something happen to the gym? Don't lie to me. Elliot: We know about your... Carla: ...Situation. Elliot: You are hiding from yourself. Carla: Stop hiding, Todd. Elliot: We accept you. Carla: No matter who you love. Todd: The Todd's confused. Elliot: [to Carla] He was like a little baby. [to Turk] Ah ha, well you were wrong. It went great. I mean, at first, the Todd was a little emotional, but by the end of it, he was saying how happy he was that he didn't have to lie. And then he French-braided my hair, and then took it out because he said I could not pull it off. Oh, he is so honest. Carla: It was great, it was like he changed into a whole new person. God, how awesome is it gonna be without that inappropriate pig wandering the halls anymore? Todd: Hey, Mickhead? Is that package for me? You know it is! Turk: You ladies must be so proud. Elliot: Todd, what -- what are you doing? Todd: I'm getting my gay on. Hey, buddy, you and I should totally have sex some time. Turk: See, I knew this would come back to me. Dr. Cox: What the hell is going on? Turk: Everybody's failing. Mrs. Sikes is indicating peripheral neuropathy, my valve transplant patient's suffering partial complex seizures. Dr. Cox: How, uh, how're you feeling, there, Davey? Mr. Bradford: Pretty good. But my feet are a little numb. Dr. Cox: You hang tight, all right? Mr. Bradford: OK. Dr. Cox: I don't get it. I don't get, That doesn't make sense. Dr. Kelso: Perry, the autopsy just came in on your donor, Jill Tracy. She didn't die of an overdose. J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, whatever burden of responsibility I felt was lifted. But like I said before, good news for one person can mean bad news for another. Dr. Cox: She died of rabies? [pause] OK, people, all of our transplant patients are infected. We now know what we're dealing with. Let's get involved, we can do this. [whistles] Surgeon: Todd, you were impressive in surgery today. Todd: Thanks, man, you were really impressive in the shower this morning. You know, dong-wise. Carla: Todd! Todd: What? Carla: Stop it! Elliot: The whole point of coming to grips with your sexuality was to accept yourself and stop being that guy. Todd: I'm sorry. This whole change is just scaring me. I'm not sure who I am anymore. Carla: Come here. Elliot: Oh, get over here, sweetie. Todd: Oh. Elliot: It's OK, let it out. Carla: We're here for you. Todd: Ohh.. Todd: Brbrbbrbrbrbrbrb... Carla: WHOA! Elliot What the hell are you doing?! Todd: Motorboating. You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes. Todd: Hey, Lisa. I heard you lied and said we didn't do it. Admit it. We doinked. Lisa: I was sad because my dad died. Todd: I wasn't. Carla: So this whole thing was an act? Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that fitting room yesterday while I was trying on bras. Carla: Ew. Todd: That was a very special time for me. Elliot: Ohh. Carla: Unbelievable. Elliot: He saw the girls. Todd: Oh, it's cool if you want to walk away, ladies, 'cuz I love to watch you go. Todd: Nothing wrong with those. Todd: Nothing wrong with that either. Todd: Or that. Todd: Or that. Phew. Janitor: What the hell are you? Todd: I'm the Todd. J.D.'s Narration: We did everything we could over the next few days to keep the transplant patients going, but odds were against us. J.D.'s Narration: First we lost Mrs. Sikes... J.D.'s Narration: ...And then Mr. Dennison. J.D.'s Narration: And I knew that Dr. Cox needed me the exact same way I needed him earlier. J.D.: Hey. Hungry? Dr. Cox: No. J.D.: I guess that lunch was kind of a one time thing, huh? J.D.: There's no way you could have seen that coming. I mean, rabies? Come on, there's, like, three reported cases a year. In fact testing for it would have been irresponsible. You would have wasted time those people didn't have. Dr. Cox: I was obsessed with getting those organs. J.D.: You had to be. The fact is, those people were going to die in a number of hours and you had to make a call. I would have made the same call. Dr. Cox: Yeah? J.D.: Yes. Now I got us lunch. And I think we should eat it. J.D.: Right then I knew I was going to pull him out of this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day where it's just going to pile it on. Dr. Cox: Oh, God. Come on. Dr. Cox: Clear! Dr. Cox: Still in V-tach, clear! Dr. Cox: Come on. VF, Clear! Dr. Cox: Aw, come on. Come on, Come on! GOD! GOD, GOD! Dr. Cox: He wasn't about to die, was he, Newbie? Could have waited another month for a kidney. J.D.: Where are you going? Your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths...there's no coming back. Dr. Cox: (faces J.D.) Yeah...you're right.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x20 - My Lunch"}	foreverdreaming
Hallway. J.D. passes through. J.D.'s Narration: If you work at a hospital long enough, you learn to expect anything. Whether it's Dr. Kim, who makes patients take their pants off, no matter what... Dr. Kim: Yep, you've got pink-eye. Patient: Can I put my pants back on? Dr. Kim: Right after I put some drops in. J.D.'s narration: ...Or nobody remembering Ray Catay's eightieth birthday. Mr. Catay: Why aren't you guys making a bigger fuss? J.D.: Uh, I would have, Mr. Catay, but Dr. Reid is throwing a huge celebration for you later. J.D.'s Narration: I should tell her about that. The truth is, with modern medicine, 80 isn't that big a deal anymore. It's not like the olden days. J.D.: Let us not feel sorrow for Bobby Adams. He was 12. He lead a full life. He will be missed, especially by his beautiful wife, Jenny, who stood by him even when he turned 6 and had a midlife crisis and was caught banging one of those naked people who brought us corn. J.D.: I'd be the oldest man in pilgrim village. J.D.'s Narration: Still, you should always celebrate life, because you never know when it's going to throw you a curve ball. Like with Dr. Cox. He recently made a decision any doctor would have made and because of it, three patients died. At first, he was inconsolably sad. J.D.'s Narration: After that, he started acting out. Jordan: In his defense, he did ask for dressing on the side. Dr. Cox: [offscreen] Dahpne! Lisa: I heard that he attcked one of the busboys. Keith: Yeah, and I heard that he bitch-slapped the maitre-d'. J.D.: Yeah, enough, gng. That's how rumors get started. Hell, Gloria, I made a joke once that you hooked up with Leonard, the big, black security guard with the hook hand. Now everyone thinks it's true. Gloria: It is true. And I'm never going back! Leonard: Gloria! I love me some white meat. J.D.: OK. Well, make sure to put antiseptic on any puncture wounds, OK? Now, I know Dr. Cox seems crazy mad at the world right now, but let's remember. Three patients died. What's amazing is that he can take a ht like that, one that would knock the rest of us out for good, and come out the other side still standing. That's why the man's an inspiration. I mean, he is a rock. J.D.'s Narration: Yup, he's the best damn doctor here. Dr. Cox: [slurred speech] Newbie, will you give me a little trouble? I'm having some help here. J.D.'s Narration: Oh, no. Cafeteria. Carla: All right, people, listen up. We are a family. And what do families do when one of their own is in trouble? Elliot: When my brother, Barry, came out of the closet my parents sent him to hetero camp. Carla: Families that aren't from Connecticut, Elliot. J.D.'s Narration: Pregnancy had made Carla a little hormonal. Carla: Now, Dr. Kelso, I've asked you to keep this matter away from the board. Were you able to do that, sir? Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I was... Carla: [interrupting] WERE YOU?! Dr. Kelso: YES! I told them Dr. Cox was going to take a leave of absence due to problems at home. Should anyone ask, you bat him. Jordan: bat him, got it. J.D.: I couldn't believe how depressed he was yesterday. Elliot: Oh, it was so sad. Janitor: Oh, I know. When I first heard about it was like "whoa, no way!" J.D.: You don't even know what we're talking about. Janitor: Sure, I do. The donkey boy up in the ICU. Carla: We're talking about Dr. Cox. Janitor: Oh. Well if anyone's interested, there's a donkey boy in the ICU. Turk: Baby? Carla: No, Turk. Now, Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's also got Jack. Plus, she's not that emotionally available. Jordan: I'm dad inside. Carla: Anyway, we're all going to spend time with him. I've made up a schedule. I've got the first shift. Unless there are any questions, this meeting is adjourned. Elliot: Ooh! Turk: Gosh! Elliot: What? Dr. Kelso: For God's sake, Reid, there's a donkey boy upstairs. Turk: Damn, that boy is going to town on that carrot. Dr. Kelso: You fellows want to go to a real donkey show? It's really very tastefully done. I understand one of the women who entertains the donkey used to be on a soap. Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Pass. Dr. Kelso: Well, standing invitation, every Thursday. J.D.: Always pass, sir. Dr. Kelso: Well, uh, I'll ask Mickhead. J.D.: Turk, you know what bothers me? Dr. Cox shows up to work drunk and we're all acting like nothing happened. Turk: I don't know, I kind of feel for the guy. Besides, I am way too excited. I start my orthopedic rotation today. It is going to be awesome. J.D.'s Narration: Turk was psyched because orthopedic surgeons are notoriously the most unemotional, jockish surgeons of all. J.D.'s Narration: He was finally going to have a boss he could connect with. Dr. Stone: Hey, guys, I'm Dr. Stone. I'm your new attending. All right, fellas, hands in. Todd: Yeah. Dr. Stone: Hmm..Mmm.. Turk: Dr. Stone? Usually people put their hands in, someone says "Go get 'em" or "Whoo." Dr. Stone: No. No words yet. I want you all to get comfortable with the feeling of your brothers' hands on yours. You know, as surgeons, we're constantly opening people up and looking around, but have you ever stopped to open yourself up and look around? Todd: Whoa. Turk: Whoo. Jordan: Hey. Carla: Hi. How's he doing? Jordan: He's not talking and he's, you know... Carla: [not getting it] What? Jack: Daddy drinks a lot. Jordan: First complete sentence. Fantastic. Thanks for doing this. Carla: Hey, sunshine. You gonna at least say hello? Nothing? Listen. I know you keep blaming yourself for this, but you just can't. When my mom died I thought that because I was a nurse I should have been able to prevent it somehow. But over time, I realized that bad things are going to happen. And beating yourself up isn't going to help anyone. Carla: Oh, that's it, sweetie, come here. Come here. Todd: Nurse, I need you to help me to drain some fluid. But first we're gonna have to get to work on this patient. Turk: Todd? Take the scalpel and carve this into your arm: "No nurse will ever touch your dangle." Dr. Stone: Sh-sh-shhh, Christopher, come on. Turk: Oh. Dr. Stone: You know what? I think you're a little edgy because you're here on the sidelines. I know how that digs at you. Turk: Oh yeah. Dr. Stone: It digs at you right here. That's OK. What would you say if I said you could have that big knee reconstruction later? What would you say? Turk: Awesome? Dr. Stone: Ha! That it is! Yeah. Turk: Right! OK. Todd: Finished. Dr. Stone: People, let's just take a second here to think about what we just did. We fixed an elbow. Yeah. The last thing this man said to me before he went under was how much he enjoyed Sunday morning tennis. Right? And I think -- I think that's special. And we're special. This was special. Thank you. Turk: He actually said "I think that's pretty special." Then he got all emotional. How lame is that? J.D.: That's pretty lame. Turk: I'm just not into all of that sensitive, touchy-feely stuff. J.D.: Well, you hug me all the time. Turk: And even that took awhile. Remember the first time you tried to hug me? All: Yeah! J.D.: You're sports team's in the World Series! Turk: Ha! What a game! J.D.: A grand slam! Turk: With Dr. Stone it's different. We're not friends. What kind of guy gets all cuddly with a guy he just met? It's pathetic. Todd: [in the OR, over intercom] Dude, that's a little harsh. Turk: Todd, how long have you been holding that button? Dr. Stone: Long enough for me to hear what you really think. Turk: Great. Is there another guy on this planet who's that sensitive? J.D.: OK, let it out. I got you. J.D.'s got you. Hold me tighter. Little too tight. There's a good spot. Keith: Elliot, why did I have to come? Elliot: Because we're a couple, Keith, we do things together. Keith: OK, uh, would it be OK if I moved? Uh, this couch is uncomfortable. Elliot: Mm. Go. Elliot: Dr. Cox, I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through but believe me, I've had my experiences. Remember last year, when I put my malaria patient through that painful procedure even when everyone knew he was going to die anyway? Keith: You know what? I'm just gonna go sit in the bathroom. Elliot: Anyway, you know what I do when I'm having a really tough time getting through things? Elliot's Voiceover: I just leave the city, get into nature and just take stock of what's important. Just make sure you don't go to a popular parachute drop zone. Elliot: I don't know if it was the adrenaline rush or because I thought he was an angel but that's the fastest I've ever gone from meeting to kissing. Yep. True story. Patient: I'm just worried about this mole. Dr. Kim: It doesn't look cancerous. Eh, get in there and take your pants off. J.D.: You gonna go talk to Dr. Stone? Turk: Nah, it'll blow over. Plus, he's a surgeon, and surgeons don't hold grudges. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go scrub up. And by the way, your shift with Dr. Cox starts in ten minutes. J.D.'s Narration: Turk was right. Personal feelings shouldn't get in the way of a professional relationship. But they do. Turk: What do you say we rebuild that knee? Dr. Stone: Actually, Dr. Turk, I think I'm going to let Dr. Norman here take the lead on this one, OK? J.D.: [on phone] Look, Carla, I have a real problem with what Dr. Cox did and I don't think I can go over there. (Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Carla hangs up her phone. Elliot exits.) Carla: I'm going to send somebody else over for you, OK? J.D. was supposed to come, but he, um...he -- he's not coming. ICU. J.D. and a couple stand outside a child's room. J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't really worry about bailing on Dr. Cox. The Stanleys' child was sick and I just spent the last twenty minutes asking them awkward questions to rule out the possibility of child abuse. Mrs. Stanley: Who would smother their own child? J.D.: You'd be surprised. There's something called Munchausen Syndrome, where a parent will intentionally harm their child to get some attention on themselves. Mrs. Stanley: I've never heard of that. Someone should do a public service announcement about it. J.D.'s Thoughts: Hmm, someone should. J.D.: You had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids. (The words "The More You Know" appear on screen with the NBC logo. End fantasy.) J.D.: That problem would be gone forever. Carla: I am so mad at you! Elliot: Yeah, you big jerk! Carla: How could you stand up Dr. Cox? Elliot: Wait, is that what we came to yell at him for? Carla: Well, yeah. What did you think it was? Elliot: Oh, apparently J.D. told Mr. Catay in there that I'm throwing him some big birthday party. Yeah, so when he asked where the cake was, I totally panicked and I told him we all pitched in and got him a weekend in Vegas. Carla: What? Mr. Catay: [offscreen] Can I see Celine Dion? Elliot: Oh, anything you want, Mr. Catay! [to J.D.] You're going halfsies with me on everything. Carla: I can't believe you didn't show up at Dr. Cox's. Do you have any idea who I had to send in your place? The Worthless Peons: [singing] Gray skies are gonna clear up, Ted: [singing]Put on a happy face, The Worthless Peons: [singing] A happy face, reach up and part the clouds and cheer up... Todd: Hey if you're not digging this, I've got a hundred jokes about these. The Worthless Peons: [singing] ...sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face! Yeah! J.D.: I'm just not down with the whole drinking and doctoring thing, OK? Excuse me. Turk: I'm never gonna get a good surgery on this rotation. J.D.: I can help you with Dr. Stone. He's one of my people. He's a sensy. Turk: What's a sensy? J.D.: It's short for sensitive guy. Our music is acoustic alternative. We marvel at fireflies. And when we help a drunk girl home from the bar, sure we cop a feel. A feel of her hair as we're pulling it back so she doesn't get any vomit in it. Turk: I'm having a weird med-school flashback. I think you held my hair back while I vomited. J.D.: I did! That was our last year! I didn't what you to get Jagermeister in your corn rows. Turk: My Latrell Sprewell phase. J.D.: Hockey? Turk: Basketball. J.D.: Dammit. Turk: What am I gonna do about Dr. Stone. J.D.: You're gonna cry in front of him. Turk: [laughs] J.D.: Laugh if you must, but it'll show him you have emotional depth and it will trigger a nurturing impulse inside him that we sensies can't resist. Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry? Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could ht you over the head with a wrench. Or, I could sab you in the gut with a Knfe. Janitor: Knfe-wrench! Practical and safe. Janitor: Waah! OH! Ohh! Oh boy. Ahh! J.D.: Anywho, don't worry about crying. I got this menthol from the pharmacy. I read online that actors in Hollyweird actors spray it in their eyes when they need to fake cry. Turk: Why do you have five of them? J.D.: Oh, I'm using it for the final death scene in my movie, Dr. Acula. Last night, my German financier, Hans, rest in peace, died on the Autobahn. So now I gotta sh*t the whole thing on my cell phone. Jordan: Hello, Bob. No cheek kiss necessary. Dr. Kelso: Oh, good. I have pike-breath. So, uh, when was the last time I was here, '97? I know it's been awhile because Enid could still fit through that door. I shouldn't joke, she's very ill. Jordan: I'm gonna go take a shower. Dr. Kelso: Hello, Perry. I don't really know why I'm here, but Nurse Espinosa said if I didn't swing by, she would stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English, but he doesn't have an front teeth, so I can never look at him without laughing. Heh, heh, heh. Anyway, I don't know what she expects me to say to you. I mean, all you do is bust my ass day in and day out. I guess you -- you keep me in line on those rare occasions when I lose sight of things. You could say we balance each other out pretty well. Whew. Perry, the hospital needs you. I need you. What the hell are you doing? Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me? Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday. Keith: She made me watch. J.D.: OK, there he is. You ready? J.D.: OW! He's the one who needs to cry, you idiot, not me! J.D.: AAAHHH!! Janitor: Oh, yeah, I forgot all about that crying stuff. I was just...Oh, hey, loose thread. J.D.: No! Janitor: Got it. Knfe-wrench! For kids. J.D.: OK, he's hugging Colonel Doctor, which means you got about seven seconds. Turk: A hug takes seven seconds? J.D.: A good one does. Here's the plan. What you're gonna do is tell him a story that isn't inherently sad. That way, when you get all emotional, he's gonna think you're extra sensitive. At which point, I'm gonna nail you with the menthol and you'll be crying like a ten year old pilgrim widow. Here he comes. And, blacktion. Turk: Dr. Stone. Dr. Stone: Christopher. Turk: Yeah, you know, I'm just out here thinking about my wife. She's pregnant with our first child. J.D.'s Thoughts: And, come on, fishy, take the bait. Dr. Stone: Children are pretty darn special. I have seven of my own and each one is just as compassionate as the next one. That is the quality that me and my six ex-wives try to instill in our children. Turk: [pointing to his chest] It's overwhelming here. Dr. Stone: Exactly. You know, my new wife, Carol, she's four months pregnant. Turk: Congratulations. Dr. Stone: We're separated. Turk: Mmhmm. Dr. Stone: We are not so different, you and I. J.D.'s Thoughts: He's not a sensy. He's a nutjob. Dr. Stone: It's hug time, Chris. Come here. Dr. Stone: Whoa, whoa! Turk: Old habit. Turk: So, he has a mild concussion, and they're going to let him rest for awhile. J.D.: Good. That gives us time to come up with a new plan. Turk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's it. I'm done. There's no way he and I are going to have a relationship. Not unless I want to bear his seventeenth child. J.D.: He's your attending, you have to connect with him. You need somebody you can look up to. Someone you can count on. What you need is someone who will always have your back. Turk: No, J.D., that's what you need. That's what you've always needed. Maybe after five years of working here, that's not such a good thing anymore. I gotta go and do my shift with Dr. Cox. J.D.'s Narration: Right then I knew what I had to do. J.D.: Hey. Turk: What's up. J.D.: You're probably wondering why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would k*ll to get into this apartment. And you try and keep me out. I say try, because at your Superbowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, who ever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But, that's my problem, you know? And I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you, man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be. J.D.'s Narration: Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared but I like to think that it was because of me that he was finally able to say this. Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch. J.D.: Ohhh, that's awful. Carla: Glad you finally shaved. J.D.'s Narration: That's the thing about family. When you fall off the deep end, you can always count on them to rally around you. When you come back, you might get a quick hug, a pat on the shoulder... J.D.'s Narration: ...Maybe just a nod. J.D.'s Narration: But no words really need to be spoken. Of course, it's always nice when they are. Dr. Cox: J.D....Thank you. J.D.: Welcome.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x21 - My Fallen Idol"}	foreverdreaming
Hospital Exterior. Turk and J.D. enter the hospital. J.D.'s Narration: Today started off on a high note. Ernie, the homeless guy, shattered the record for the most blood donations within a month. Ernie: Whoo! Turk; Congratulations, Ernie. Nineteen pints. J.D.: He probably needs a little more juice. J.D.'s Narration: Even though we had to take Ernie back upstairs, probably to get some of his own blood back, I couldn't help but smile. Today, Dr. Cox is coming back to work after the accidental death of three of his patients. J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, there he is. Just play it cool. Dr. Cox: What is the latest on Mrs. Riley in 403? J.D.: Ah, Mrs. Riley was admitted with shortness of breath, and then she developed a, uh... J.D.'s Thoughts: Stay cool, stay cool. Ah, screw it. J.D.: You sent those demons right back to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell. Dr. Cox: OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them. A cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk and you actually managing to walk past a breakfast cart without referring to cream cheese as cow fudge. J.D.: I like to play with words. Dr. Cox: However, out of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, PLEASE not be one of them? J.D.: Ahh! Sure thing, Perry, but uh, there is one problem. Everyone: [singing] Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about. J.D.: [singing] Well the names have all changed since you hung around. But those dreams have remained and they're turned around. Carla: J.D.! J.D.: What? That's when the background, [singing] Who'd thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you-u-u. [normally] That's a run I was gonna do, but now it's awkward. Dr. Cox: That's unbelievable. J.D.'s Narration: Since Dr. Cox was back, I decided to knock out all my errands extra quick. And what better way to get started than with my new 18-wheeler scooter horn? J.D.: Ha ha ha. J.D.'s Narration: First I grabbed a quick lunch... J.D's Narration: ...Then I returned some emails... J.D.'s Narration: ...Finally, a quick shortcut through the mall parking lot, which meant dealing with the skate brats and their ring o' fre. J.D.: Whoo hoo! Top that, dudes! Sasha! Nooo! Hospital parking lot. J.D. enters, on a bicycle. J.D.'s Narration: With Sasha back in the scooter sht, I decided to buy a bike and get some exercise. I can't remember what happened to my old bike. J.D.: Ow. Dr. Cox: Nice helmet. J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet. It's a hairmet. See, it's got extra room built into it so you don't mess up your hairdo. Dr. Cox: I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever. J.D's Thoughts: That's weird. Felt like that had happened before. J.D.'s Narration: I guess when you work at a hospital for five years, situations are bound to repeat themselves. Nurse Martinez: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo. Todd: In your endo. Intern: Dr. Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics the kids are wearing mittens. Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ? What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing? J.D.: That's what déjà vu is. Feeling like you've lived the same moments a thousand times. J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's Turk's tepid response to the annoying baby stuff Carla makes him do... Carla: Friday we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment. Turk: Oh, I can't wait! J.D.'s Narration: ...or Dr. Cox giving Elliot a hard time... Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper's a doctor? Hmm? J.D.'s Narration: ...or the Janitor, having menace in his eyes. Laverne: That looks like trouble. Janitor: Hey, come here a sec, we want to do stuff to you. J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned. Janitor: We were thinking. J.D.: I got a riddle for you. Troy: This isn't how you said it would go. Janitor: Troy. We're listening. J.D.: Two coins add up to 30 cents and one of them is not a nickel. Janitor: I feel like I've heard this before. What are they? J.D.: It's a riddle. You figure it out. Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank. Elliot: Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein. This is Dr. Cox. Mrs. Goldstein: How was Acapulco? Elliot: [whispering] We told everyone you were in Acapulco. Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that m victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work as I'd be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best. Elliot: Ahem. Dr. Cox: Ah, now is there a reason you're still near me? Elliot: Well, we covered Mrs. Goldstein while you were gone, but now you're back so she's your patient again. Her BP's been dropping so it might be time to push thrombolitics. Dr. Cox: Yeah, but -- yeah, but she could bleed out. Elliot: Well, I suppose you could wait and see how she does. Dr. Cox: Well, then she could decompensate. Elliot: Well, those are the two options, so what are you gonna do? Dr. Cox: [pause] I'll be right back. Elliot: Did you guys just see that? Dr. Cox had to make a decision and he completely froze. Carla: He's probably just thinking it over, Elliot. Elliot: He never used to think things over, he would just make gut calls right away. Dr. Kelso: Listen, Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bear-assed on the hospital's copier machine. Know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old Navy buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand. J.D.'s Thoughts: Again with the déjà vu. Dr. Kelso: It's because your little theory is way off. Elliot: OK, if you don't want to be there for him, that's your decision. But I'm going to be. J.D.: J.D. robs the ball! Black guy, open! Leonard: No ball in the hall. Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Sorry, Leonard. Turk: You know, I wouldn't be as mad if this was the first time that happened. J.D.: Relax, they come three to a can. Why are you playing basketball anyway? I thought you had to have lunch with Carla. Turk: Nah, she's taking a pregnancy nap, so I get to do whatever I want. J.D.: Oh. Turk: I'm telling you, J.D., Carla being pregnant is awesome for me. Turk's Voiceover: I get to watch whatever I want while she reads her pregnancy book. Turk's Voiceover: I get to eat all the good food. Carla: Ugh. Turk's Voiceover: And of course, ring o' fre. Turk: Ring of fre! Turk's Voiceover: Bottom line, pregnancy's awesome. Janitor: OK, two coins equals 30 cents, no nickels. I swear we've done this before. Come on, man, you went to Yale for God's sake. Troy: Relax, I figured it out. Janitor: A penny, and button that you wrote "29 cents" on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting? Troy: Can't we just kll him? Janitor: How's therapy going? Elliot: Dr. Cox? Do you have a second? Dr. Cox: Of course. Elliot: I was just wondering... Dr. Cox: [interrupting] You're done. Elliot: What? Dr. Cox: You asked for a second and I gave you a second. I think you'll find I'm being quite literal here at work today. You can ask anyone. Lonnie! What happened earlier when you said "Gimme a break?" Lonnie: You broke my sunglasses in half. Dr. Cox: Had to be done. The man look preposterous in aviators. Elliot: Dr. Cox, you still haven't made a decision about how to treat your patient, Mrs. Goldstein. Dr. Cox: Oh, thanks for the reminder, Barboo, what would I do without you? Elliot: Joke if you want to, but eventually you're going to have to make a decision. Mrs. Goldstein's life depends on it. Dr. Cox: But what if I'm wrong? J.D.: All right, she'll have a ginger ale, he'll have a beer and I'll have an appletini. You know what? Hell, I'll have a real drink. Make it a nectarini. Bartender: I don't know what that is. J.D.: Oh, come on, Devin. You know, make it. Hey guys, make sure I don't have two many of those nectarinis because I gotta drive my bicycle home. Turk: Dude, don't even worry about it. Carla can't drink. She'll drive you home. Right, baby? Carla: Sure. J.D.: Sweet. Turk: Better idea. Why don't you just come over to our place? She's going straight to bed. We can stay up late and watch Judge Dredd. Turk & J.D.: [in unison] 99th viewing! Bartender: OK, ice cold beer, a nectarini and ginger ale. Turk: There's nothing better in this world than the first sip of an ice cold beer after a long day. J.D.: Ditto for a 'tini. Turk: It really takes the edge off, you know? Carla: That's it. No beer for you. It's not fair. I'm sitting here all pregnant, you two yahoos are having the time of your lives. From now on, anything I can't do, you can't do. J.D.: Carla, that's ridiculous! Carla: Not you. J.D.: Oh. Fair is fair, Turk. Incidentally, dynamite nectarini. That man knows his way around nectar. Dr. Cox: You know, I used to just look in my gut and know what to do. Now I got all this self-doubt. Barbie, you got massive amounts of doubt, romantically, professionally, personally. How do you deal with it? Elliot: Treadmill. Crank the incline up to 15, just run through the tears. Look, Dr. Cox, I know that you're scared, but believe me, your gut is still there. You just have to have the courage to listen to it again. Dr. Cox: You really think so? Elliot: I know so. Dr. Cox: Push thrombolitics. Thank you, Barbie. Elliot: I'm just glad that you let me help. J.D.'s Narration: There's no better feeling than helping someone out. Elliot: Laverne, Dr. Cox made a decision about Mrs. Goldstein. He wants to push thrombolitics. Laverne: Yeah, I know. He told me that three hours ago. Elliot: What? J.D.'s Narration: Maybe that's why it hurts so much more when you end up looking like a fool. ICU. Turk: This is why the headache didn't go away. It's actually pronounced AN-algesic, not A-nalgesic, all right? The pills go in your mouth. J.D.: Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here? Dr. Cox: Ah, Barbie, there you are. Thank God. Elliot: Unfortunately, yes. Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes. On Oprah, there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder. But on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan. I'm just a little lost here. J.D.: FYI, that new loft is Lohan-tastic. It's vintage Lindsay. Dr. Cox: Oh. Elliot: Dr. Cox, when you walked away from Mrs. Goldstein, anyone could have thought you were in trouble. Dr. Cox: I had to go to the bathroom, Barbie. [whistles] People! From now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr. Reid. It is a pet peeve of hers. Turk: Ha ha! [imitating Dr. Cox] As it is a pet peeve...Ha ha! Elliot: Oh, really? You think that's funny? Turk: A little bit. Elliot: Carla, Turk's drinking coffee. Carla: No! If your pregnant wife can't have coffee, then you can't. J.D.: Ooh. Please have some sort of nut. J.D.: Hazel. Dr. Kelso: Careful, Turkleton, first it's no coffee, then she's going to want you in the delivery room holding her hands while she pushes that little bugger out. Carla: My man will be there when his baby is born. Dr. Kelso: Of course he will, it's a different generation. Dr. Kelso: Know this. 90% of all childbirths are accompanied by an accidental dookie. J.D.: Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up my joe. I have a full-blown addiction. Hopefully that won't come back to haunt me. J.D.: Where did you get this? Who taught you how to use this thing? J.D.'s Son: You, all right? I learned fro watching you! J.D.: [to himself] Dammit, Billy. At least he's using good beans. J.D.: Guess I'm gonna look like a prn star when I'm older. Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game. Troy: Yeah, we been to the libary. Janitor: -brary, Troy. Library. Anyway, two coins that add up to 30 cents and one of them is not a nickel. A penny, and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents. J.D.: OK, no, uh, the correct answer is a quarter and nickel. Janitor: Uh, no, because you said one of them isn't a nickel. J.D.: Right. The other one is. Janitor: You lied to me. J.D. It's a riddle. Troy: Oh, your face is red like a strawbrerry. Janitor: Don't have kids. Patient: Excuse me, Dr. Reid? I just wanted to let you know, I'm going to pee. Elliot: What a jackass. J.D.: I hate it that you two aren't getting along. I'd get you two together to talk it out, but you're so stubborn. I'd never be able to do it on my own. Well, there is one way. Elliot: J.D., I don't want to hear about floating head doctor. Turk: Elliot, save it. He's gone. Dr. Cox: Fine, fine, fine, I'll apologize to to Elliot. I just don't know how you're going to get her to talk to me. J.D.'s Head: Oh, don't you worry about that. Body? Get her! Elliot: Hey! Put me down! I'm talking to a patient here! What are you doing?! Oh! Dr. Cox: Well, she's d*ad. J.D.'s Head: Stupid, stupid body! J.D.'s Head: Oh, you want some of this? Too slow! Aw, a little late! Oh, nice try. Elliot: J.D., don't worry about it, I'll handle it. J.D.: [sighs] Turk: Head fight Body again? J.D.: Those two just can't get along. I don't get it. Carla: Turk, what are you doing? You can't ride the bike. Turk: Why not? Carla: Because it puts too much pressure on my cervix. Turk: Baby, I don't have a damn cervix. And how else am I supposed to exercise? Carla: You can do everything that I do. You can have have yogurt, you can listen to classical music, you can gently rub my belly... Turk: You know what? That's it. Carla: What's it? What do you think you're doing? Carla: You better not open that. You better not op-- Carla: OK, but you better not drink it. Carla: Fine. But you better not enjoy it. Turk: Ahh! Turk: Did you just bitch slap my beer? Carla: Are you calling me a bitch? Turk: [pause] Yes. Yes, I am. Turk: Baby, you OK? Carla: I feel funny. Elliot: You know, I've been thinking about it, and only you could go through all that stuff you did and come out the other side the same, mean-spirited jerk. Dr. Cox: Barbie, please? They're about to show Lindsay's breakfast nook. Elliot: In fact, in the five years that I've been here, you're the only person who hasn't changed one bit. Dr. Cox: Well, that's not entirely true. Since the arrival of my son I like to think I've become more patient, plus, and I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, I've learned that not all of Newbie's ideas are completely ridiculous. Dr. Cox: Do you love it as much as I do? Elliot: Well, with me, you've never been anything but an unsupportive bastard and you know it. Carla: You have it on your chart that he called me a bitch because he wanted more alcohol, right? Dr. Matthews: I don't really have a section for that. Carla: Well, put it under family history. It's part of ours now. Dr. Matthews: Look, all you have is a little round ligament pain. It's very common. I'll meet you outside. Turk: Babe, I'm sorry. Carla: Hmm. You know what? This was actually kind of nice. Turk: How is this nice? Carla: You being here with me, all concerned. Look, it just feels like ever since I got pregnant everything's changing for me, but nothing is changing for you. So, yes, you can drink. Just maybe not do it front of me? And sometimes when I'm reading my pregnancy book, maybe you can ask me about it? And occasionally, on a Friday night, when I'm too tired to go out, maybe you can stay in and get fat with me. Turk: I can get fat? Carla: The bigger you get, the tinier I'll look. Turk: Ohhh. Carla: Come on, come on. Dr. Cox: How's Mrs. Goldstein doing? Elliot: Fine. Dr. Cox: OK, lookit. How about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me. Elliot: I started an "I hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I'd planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians. Dr. Cox: How about we just agree that we're never going to be that close? Elliot: We could, except for one thing. I know that we have our issues, but I've always respected you and you haven't given me more than an ounce of it since I started here. Dr. Cox: I didn't go in that bathroom to take a leak. I went in there because I was petrified that I was going to make the wrong decision with Mrs. Goldstein. I didn't want anybody to know because it so very important to me that people see me the way they used to. Bulletproof. And hopefully, admitting this to you will make you feel respected. Elliot: It does. Thanks. Dr. Cox: You're welcome. J.D.'s Narration: It's understandable why I've been feeling so much déjà vu. After five years at this place, it's hard not to feel like you're repeating the same moments week after week. Todd: Hey, I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction up on three, and I want to stop it. You know what I'm talking about. Dr. Kelso: Son, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? J.D.'s Narration: So I guess all you can do is try to notice the subtle differences within those moments. Whether it's Turk's response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do... Carla: Friday we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment. Turk: Can't wait. J.D.'s Narration: ...or it not bothering Elliot as much when Dr. Cox gives her a hard time. Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Julius Erving is a doctor? Elliot: Ha! J.D.'s Narration: Of course, some things are gonna repeat themselves in the exact same way. J.D.: What the hell? Janitor: It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasn't me. J.D.: Oh, that's what happened to my old bike. Ha! See you, fellas. Janitor: See you tomorrow. Troy! This one's over.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x22 - My D\u00e9j\u00e0 Vu My D\u00e9j\u00e0 Vu"}	foreverdreaming
Scene 1 Open: ICU. Dr. Cox and the interns stand around a bed. Dr. Cox: Look, one of the reasons interns have so much trouble putting in chest tubes is because it is a violent procedure. You must not be scared, though, children. You must use force to get the tube between the ribs and pop it through the pleura. What do you say there, Lis? You can do this. (Dr. Cox hands the chest tube to Lisa. The "patient" in the bed turns out to be Keith.) Keith: Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this. Dr. Cox: Then you shouldn't have lost my teaching mannequin. Keith: I don't know what happened to it. (Flashback. Janitor is driving his van with the mannequin in the passenger seat.) Janitor: Hello, carpool lane! Ha ha ha! So what movie do you want to see? (End flashback.) Lisa: Inserting chest tube. MM! (Lisa jabs Keith with the chest tube. Hard.) Keith: GAAH! Lisa! God, he was joking! Dr. Cox: Yes, I was Lisa, now take the rest of the afternoon off and think about what you did here today. (Lisa exits.) Dr. Cox: This is a warning, people. Anyone else who hurts Keith is going to get the exact same treatment as Lisa. Good day. (Cut to Elliot, looking on.) Elliot: Nothing like having to watch your boyfriend get humiliated on a daily basis. (Cut back to Keith, who is being held down by several interns.) Gloria: Purple Nurple! (She gives him one. Keith howls in pain. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.) Carla: Baby, look at this. I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant lady. Turk: No you're not, baby, you look like you just let yourself go a little. (Carla begins crying.) Turk: OK, that came out wrong, but baby, it's OK. You're just overreacting because your pregnancy hormones are totally taking over. It's fine. These past few days, your moods have changed like [snaps fingers] that! (Carla stops crying and is now angry.) Carla: That is not true! (Carla slaps Turk in the face.) Turk: It's cool. Carla: I'm sorry. Let me kiss the owie? Kiss the owie? (Turk and Carla kiss.) Carla: Mmm. Oh, baby, I wanna do it right now. Turk: You don't want to do it right now, it will pass. Carla: This is happening. (She begins unbuttoning her shirt.) Turk: Damn right this is happening. (Turk removes his shirt, and goes offscreen. Carla sits and picks up a picture of her mother.) Carla: My mom. [crying] I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild. (Turk is now in his boxers.) Turk: Do you want to start with kissing or should we just get right into the good stuff? Carla: What is wrong with you?! (Carla shoves him backwards over the coffee table.) Turk: [to himself] Oof! When will you learn? (Cut to Admissions Area. J.D. enters.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Hmm, Turk talking to a new staff member. Give her a treat and say hello. J.D.: Hello! Turk: J.D., I'm sure you know Kim Briggs. J.D.: Uh, no, you big knucklehead, I don't. On behalf of everyone here at Sacred Heart, I'd like to say konnichiwa. (J.D. shakes Kim's hand and bows.) Kim: I've been here five years, big guy. J.D.: I know that, Kim. It's a game we play. What's your name? It's Turk. What's that guy's name? I don't know, he's a patient. Looks like a Dave. Are you a Dave? Maybe he's a Dave, we don't know. Hey! Kim: trture him about this. Turk: Will do. Peace out! (Kim exits.) J.D.: How come I've never noticed her before? Turk: Oh, because she wears a wedding ring. Yeah, you don't notice women who wear wedding rings. (Flashback to the scene in My First Day where J.D. inserts the chest tube. Kim is standing behind J.D. and Carla.) Turk's Voiceover: Kim was here on your first day. (Cut to funeral scene from My Screw Up. Kim sits behind Dr. Cox and J.D.) Turk's Voiceover: She was at Ben's funeral. (Cut to an elevator. J.D. is singing, apparently not noticing that Kim is there. Kim looks uncomfortable.) Turk's Voiceover: She's been around. J.D.: [singing]] Everybody was Kung-fu fighting! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! (End flashback.) J.D.: So you're saying because she wears a wedding ring she's invisible to me? Turk: Yes. J.D.: Please, T, I'm not that shallow. Turk: Oh, really? [to the room] Will all the women in the room who are married, please remove your wedding rings? (Suddenly, the room is full of women, holding up their rings.) J.D.: Dr. Feinburg? Anastasia? Gift Shop Girl? Gift Shop Girl: Hey, J.D. J.D.: I thought you died. Gift Shop Girl: Nope. I just got married. J.D.: But I sent your family flowers. Gift Shop Girl: I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird. (Gift Shop Girl puts on her ring and disappears.) J.D.: Gift Shop Girl! Gift Shop Girl: [invisible] What? (J.D. reaches out as if to fondle her breats.) Gift Shop Girl: Stop that! J.D.: Sorry. (J.D. walks through the room, grabbing at invisible butts and boobs.) OPENING THEME At the end, Kim enters and turns the X-ray over. Kim: That's backwards. It's been bugging me for years. Scene 2 Open: Patient's room. J.D. and Kim enter. Kim: How are we doing, Mr. Peters? J.D's Narration: I had checked up on Kim. She got along with everybody. (Cut to locker room. Kim enters, wearing a towel.) J.D.'s Narration: All the guys liked her. Kim: Toughen up, sailors, chick on deck. I need a few more towels in the ladies' locker room. Todd: Oh, I got a towel for ya. (Todd rips off his own towel, revealing his banana hammock.) Todd: YAH! (Todd tries to rat-tail her, but she steals the towel and wraps it around her head.) Kim: Thanks, Todd. (Cut to women's locker room. Kim passes out towels to Laverne, Elliot and Lisa, who wrap the towels around their heads.) J.D.'s Narration: All the women liked her. Kim: I just love that every woman knows how to do that. (Cut to a hallway, where a group of doctors are hanging out.) J.D.'s Narration: She even got along with the greasers. Kim: Guys, I know everyone gives you a hard time, but trust me. This look is coming back. (The doctors snap their fingers and point to Kim. Cut back to Mr. Peters' room.) J.D.'s Thoughts: I never got a synchronized snap from the greasers. (Turk enters.) Kim: Mr. Peters, I know that having a gal urologist might seem a little uncomfortable, but the penis is just another excretory organ, so let's go ahead and take the stigma off it. Now this is the length of the average penis. (She draws a long arrow on a piece of paper. Mr. Peters and Turk nod. J.D. looks surprised.) J.D.'s Thoughts: WHAT?! Mr. Peters: That seems about right. Kim: [impressed] Good for you! I was just messing with Dr. Dorian over there. J.D.: You know what? I'm not talking to any of you guys. (J.D. exits. Turk and Kim laugh. J.D. enters again.) J.D.: You lie-- (J.D. looks under Mr. Peters' blankets.) J.D.: Oh, my God. (J.D. exits. Cut to Nurses' Station.) Elliot: Keith, I know we had plans tonight, but I am way too tired. Keith: No problem. I'll call you tomorrow. (Keith and Elliot kiss. Keith exits. Jordan enters.) Jordan: Hey, girls. Listen, Perry got uppity with me for, and I quote, spending twenty thousand dollars we don't have on shoes. So I figured I'd get back him by treating everyone to drinks tonight. Elliot: I'll go. Carla: Elliot, you just told Keith you were too tired. What are you doing? Elliot: I, uh, I think Keith and I might be done. (Elliot and Jordan exit.) Carla: What?! (Carla exits after them. Janitor enters.) Janitor: Hey, Dorian, let me borrow that pencil for a second. Just one second? Thank you. (J.D. gives Janitor his pencil, which he snaps in half.) Janitor: [fake Italian accent] Oh no. I snap-a da pencil. [normally] What do you think? It's for my stand-up act. J.D.: Where do you perform? Janitor: I'm at the Giggle Pit. Every Monday at sunup. J.D.: Well, I'll have to come by sometime. Janitor: Do it, man. J.D.: No, wait a second, I'm mad at you! You stole my video camera with all the scenes on it from Dr. Acula, the vampire movie I'm making. Janitor: Why do you think I stole it? J.D.: I don't know, maybe I was surfing the hospital's website and I saw that someone posted the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby, then eats it" scene? Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj?" Rotinaj is just Janitor spelled backwards, Rotinaj. (Dr. Rotinaj enters.) Janitor: Morning, Dr. Rotinaj. Dr. Rotinaj: Good morning, Mr. Clean-up man! (Cut to Mr. Peters room.) Kim: Mr. Peters, I looked at your CT scan and I'm recommending that we don't do surgery. Mr. Peters: Great. Kim: This is goodbye for us, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of Dr. John D. Dorian. You take care. (Kim and J.D. exit the room.) Kim: I gave you a new middle initial. It reassures me for some reason. In my mind, the D stands for Dallas because I just got finished telling Mr. Peters that's where I lost my virginity. Don't know how we got down that path, it's something about that old man that just makes me want to open up. J.D.: Hm. Kim: Anyway, I hope you don't mind your new middle initial. J.D.: I don't mind it a turtle's wink. J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, you only pepper your conversations with cute animal imagery if you're smitten. Kim: Could you lend me your pen? J.D.: Quick as a porcupine's hiccup. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Saxophone music plays, while Kim, glowing in the ambient light, licks the pen.) J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, there's only one problem with this. (Fantasy ends with a record scratch and close up of Kim's wedding ring.) Kim: OK. See you J.D. J.D.: Kim, wait. Unfortunately there's no way I can make you mine. Unless I make you mine...for eternity! (J.D. grabs Kim and reveals vampire teeth. He bites her neck. Kim: [changing from panicked to seductive] Dr. Acula, don't....stop! (Cut to reality. The preceding scene was J.D.'s fantasy.) J.D.: Vampires like it windy. (Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: Why are you breaking up with Keith? Elliot: Look, Keith is sweet. But after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in m life. I mean, I want what you guys have. Someone who will stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk, or as brave as Dr. Cox, or as...I'm sorry, Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr. Roberts' good qualities? Laverne: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix and when it rains, he carries me to the car. Elliot: And you guys have been together for what, 60 years? Laverne: I'm 48. And I'm done here. (Laverne exits.) Elliot: Mm. My bad. Carla: [crying] I don't want Keith to go. Elliot, I don't want Keith to go. Jordan: Aww, there, there. (Jordan shoves Carla's chair away from the table.) Jordan: What? I'm pregnant, I'm crying, I'm laughing. Enough already. It's boring. (Cut to Admissions Area.) Dr. Kelso: Listen up, nametags. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail. Apparently that musical he was making was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And here's the kicker. He fled to Toronto, so now the frickin' Mounties are involved. Anywho, I need someone to zip out to my house and grab $400. Janitor: I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug. J.D.: Don't let him in your house, sir. He'll steal everything you got, like he stole my video camera. Dr. Kelso: Do you know the difference between me and you, Dorian? J.D.: Your melon-size prostate, sir? Dr. Kelso: I will never fear this man. [to Janitor] Do you think I'm afraid of you, chief? Janitor: No, sir, I do not. Dr. Kelso: Now look. I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink. (Dr. Kelso hands Janitor his keys. Janitor exits.) Dr. Kelso: Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [laughs] Oh, that's right. You don't remember that she's paralyzed and can't stand up out of her wheelchair. That's why you're not laughing. Dr. Cox: No, Bob. We're not laughing because we're all horrified. Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Well, it tickles me. (Dr. Kelso exits, which makes squelching sounds because of the wet rug. J.D. and Dr. Cox jump up and down, making the squelching noises, then stop and look at each other.) Dr. Cox: Eh. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.) Turk: OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing. But we're all gonna be extra extra sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK? Elliot: I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her? Turk: She's pregnant. She's not a bull. Elliot: I know you think I'm just being crazy, but Elliot, you should not give up on Keith. You say he's not strong enough for you because he keeps getting stepped on at work? That's what it's like for interns. You're just doing what we all do when we start to get serious in a relationship. You're freaking out and you're trying to poke holes in it. Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex? Turk: Baby! J.D.: Relax, brown bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing. Carla: And you know how hard single life can be. Just ask Kim. J.D.: Wait, Kim's single? Elliot: Oh, yeah. She's been divorced for like, over a year. She just wears her ring at the hospital so she doesn't get ht on all the time. J.D.: Turk! Keys! (J.D. takes off out of the apartment at top speed. Turk throws the keys out the window, which land in J.D.'s hands, sitting in the car. J.D.: Yahtzee! (Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters, running.) J.D.: Hey, girl. What are you doing? Wanna get some coffee later? J.D.'s Narration: And then, the ultimate Cox block. Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey! Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery? Kim: I decided against it. J.D.: Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically. Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that. Ever. Secondly, she's a cutter. When was the last time you met a cutter who didn't want to cut? Laverne? You've been here 40 years now. You ever heard of such a thing? Laverne: I'ma kll somebody. J.D.'s Narration: I guess we all get mad when people say things we don't want to hear. (Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Elliot is about to leave, but Carla stops her.) Carla: Elliot! I'm sorry, but I can't let you leave until you promise me you'll think about it with Keith. Elliot: Oh, my God, Carla. Will you please just butt out of this one? (Cut to hallway. Janitor enters.) J.D.'s Narration: Especially when things feel a bit fishy. (Janitor taps Dr. Kelso on the shoulder and hands him a wad of cash.) Janitor: Here's you cash. Dr. Kelso: Oh, thanks. Say, that's a new coat. Janitor: Yep, just picked it up. Dr. Kelso: Where'd you get the money to buy it? Janitor: Mmm, I don't think it's any business of yours. (Janitor adjusts the collar on the leather trench coat he is wearing, then swaggers off down the hall. Cut to Nurses' Station.) J.D.'s Narration: Still, it's always good to hear the truth. Dr. Cox: Surgery is really the only thing that has a sht at curing this guy and the reason that she's not going to do it is because he's older and he's got heart issues which makes him high-risk and if he were to drop dad on her operating table, well, that would make her surgery stats go down. And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's resume, would it? J.D.'s Narration: Even if it meant losing respect for someone you thought you might like. Kim: What can I say? You got me. J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn. Scene 3 Open: Parking lot. The greasers roll up to Turk and J.D. in an old convertible. Greaser: Dr. Turk! I covered your gastric bypass patient last night and he left a message for you. Turk: What did he say? Greaser: You are square! (The greasers howl with laughter and peel out, spraying J.D. and Turk with road debris.) Turk: Stupid greasers. J.D.: Oh, here comes Kim. She's had all night to think about what she did, so she'll probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it. (Kim enters.) Kim: Hey, fellas, how you livin'? Turk: Large! What! (Kim and Turk exchange a handshake. Kim exits.) Turk: What, was I not supposed to answer? J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only one having relationship problems. (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Elliot: Sorry about the way I left last night. We're OK, right? Carla: Until you receive further notice, consider us not speaking. (Carla exits. Dr. Kelso enters.) Dr. Kelso: I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat. Janitor: I bet you can't...prove it. (Janitor exits. Flashback to Dr. Kelso's house. Dr. Kelso is counting the money in the jar.) Dr. Kelso: Enid, you are my eyewitness. Did he take more than $400? Is that a new pantsuit? (End flashback.) Dr. Kelso: You think you're pretty smart, don't you? Janitor: All I think is that leather never goes out of style. And if you're gonna keep your money in a pickle jar, you should probably know how much is in there. And that it never hurts to buy your invalid wife something nice, so maybe she can feel pretty. And these are general thoughts about life. Nothing specific to you. (Cut to another Nurses station. J.D. and Turk are leaning on the counter. Kim comes up behind them and spanks them.) J.D.: Mmm, that was nice. Turk: That wasn't me. Kim: Hey, dudes. (Turk and J.D. turn around.) J.D.: Don't "Hey, dudes" us, you know what bothers me? Kim: Non-thrat, colloquial greetings? J.D.: It bothers me that a doctor wouldn't help a patient so she could keep her stats up. Turk: Yeah. Kim: Look, J.D., surgery is competitive. We do what we have to to get ahead. J.D.: Well, my best friend here is a surgeon and he would never pass on a risky surgery just to keep his stats up. Turk: Actually, I have done that. Everyone has. J.D.: Oh, my God. Out of here! (Turk exits. Dr. Cox enters.) J.D.: Dr. Cox, please weigh in. Dr. Cox: Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I would liken them to rocks, but that would be an insult to rocks, because you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges with them. We throw them at guys who wear those tiny phones clipped to their heads. It's a phone. You can't do this? However... J.D.: [interrupting] Now back to the crux of the matter! ht her, Per! Dr. Cox: However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were gonna hear. But as always, I don't care. (Dr. Cox exits.) Kim: Thank God he didn't see this. (Kim pulls her hair back to reveal a bluetooth phone on her ear. Kim: [on phone] Yeah, Mom, I was listening the whole time, I just couldn't talk. (Kim exits.) J.D.: RRRGH! (Cut to parking lot. The front end of Janitor's van is smashed up.) Dr. Kelso: [whistles in astonishment] Looks like someone took their new titanium 8-iron with a leather grip and went to town on your van. Janitor: Well done, sir. Dr. Kelso: What, you think I did it? (Dr. Kelso removes a golf glove.) Dr. Kelso: Too bad you can't prove it. Janitor: Really? (Cut to doctor's lounge. Janitor clicks on the TV.) J.D.: [On TV, dressed as a vampire and reading a script.] I think I need to take more...bloooood! Dr. Kelso: What the hell is this? Janitor: It's Dorian's camera. This must be a scene from Dr. Acula. Turk: [on TV, wearing a yellow sweatsuit, afro and chains] You ain't takin' no more blood from my ho-slappin' hand. I will pimp slap you. This feels a little rcist, J.D. Why can't I be a vampire? J.D.: [on TV] Because it's my movie! Now let's take it from the top and I'm not gonna ask you again. Blacker. Turk: [on TV] Blacker. J.D.: [on TV] Yes, please. Turk: [on TV] Blacker. (Turk grabs J.D. and throws him at the camera, which cuts to static. When it starts recording again, Turk is now dressed as a vampire and J.D. is wearing the afro.) Turk: [on TV] [hissing] Janitor: Now comes the good part. (The film cuts to the parking lot at night. Dr. Kelso is beating the van with a golf club.) Dr. Kelso: [on TV] Prove that! And that! And that! And that! AND THAT! Yeah! Dr. Kelso: What do you want? (Cut to Nurses' Station.) Elliot: So hey, I thought you might be hungry. Did you enjoy the pancakes I left on your computer? Carla: No. But I enjoyed the 3000 ants crawling on my keyboard. Todd: There's two of them doing it on the "F" button. I could be wrong, but it looks like two girls. (Keith rolls over to watch.) Carla: What do you want, Elliot? Elliot: I wanted to apologize. Carla: Well, save it. Elliot: Look, Carla, I... Carla: [interrupting] Honestly, you must be really bored with the friendship because all you do is take, take, take. And the most embarrassing thing is you don't even realize you're doing it. Because let's face it. At the end of the day, you're nothing but a spoiled, selfish, neurotic little girl from Connecticut who has absolutely no idea how to... (Keith steps in.) Keith: Whoa, whoa, OK, that's enough! I don't know what you two are fighting about, but it doesn't matter. Because no one is allowed to be that mean to my girlfriend, especially when all she's trying to do is apologize! Are we clear? J.D.'s Narration: Nobody really speaks to Carla like that. (Carla swells up, about to explode with rage. Turk enters.) Turk: It was really cool getting to know you, man. (Turk hugs Keith.) J.D.'s Narration: The irony was that Keith was yelling at the one woman who was trying to save his relationship. Carla: I'm sorry, Elliot. J.D.'s Narration: And even more ironic was that it looked like she had. Elliot: Thanks for standing up for me. Keith: Yeah, totally. (They kiss. Carla exits.) J.D.'s Narration: I think Elliot finally seeing who Keith really was made me understand why I was so upset with Kim. (Cut to ICU. J.D. enters.) Kim: Look who's happy again. J.D.: Yeah, well, it's just... Kim: [interrupting] J.D., one second, uh, I'm on the phone with my Mom. (Kim pulls her hair back to show the phone in her ear.) Kim: She just got her RV fixed. [on phone] Mom, I gotta go. You can call me from the road. (Kim hangs up and puts the phone in her pocket.) Kim: My mom loves the road. J.D.: I finally figured out what bothers me so much about you. Kim: Well, lay it on me, studly. J.D.: It's the way you're so concerned about protecting yourself. I mean, no one in this entire hospital has a bad thing to say about you, and I'm guessing that's because you're so careful not to rub anyone the wrong way. And you still wear your wedding ring. That prevents any guy from getting anywhere near you. You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters, and we both know you're protecting yourself there. I don't know, I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. I just--I was a little disappointed to find out how you turned out to be. I'll see you around, Kim. Kim: [stunned] See you... (Cut to PA room.) Dr. Kelso: I don't want to do this. Janitor: No problem. I'll just give the videotape to the police. Dr. Kelso: [on PA, reading a prepared speech] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso. I feel compelled to tell you that I do, in fact, fear the Janitor. (Cut to Hallway. Carla and Turk are walking through.) Dr. Kelso: [over PA] Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind? Elliot: You planned all this, didn't you? The whole being mean thing so that Keith would stand up for me. Oh, thanks. (Elliot hugs Carla, then exits.) Turk: You didn't plan a damn thing, did you? Carla: No, I snapped like a twig. Turk: Yeah. Carla: Please don't tell her. (Turk zips his lips. Cut to OR. Kim is performing a surgery. Lisa watches from the observation room. J.D. enters.) J.D.: Who is Dr. Briggs operating on? Lisa: Your patient, Mr. Peters. Dr. Kelso: [over PA] So, please join me... (Cut to PA room.) Dr. Kelso: [on PA] in basking in the glow of the Janitor's awesome...this isn't a word. Janitor: Read it. Dr. Kelso: [on PA] Fearitude. Good night. (Dr. Kelso clicks off the mic and exits.) Janitor: [on PA] And good luck. I love that movie. (Cut to cafeteria. Kim sits alone with a coffee. J.D. enters.) J.D.: I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters. Did you decide it was the right thing to do? Kim: No, actually it was a stupid career risk. J.D.: Then why did you do it? Kim: Because for some reason, I find myself really caring about what you think of me. (Kim takes off her wedding ring.) J.D.: Oh. Cool.	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x23 - My Urologist"}	foreverdreaming
Open: Admissions Area. J.D. enters. J.D.'s Narration: It's springtime at Sacred Heart and the whole hospital had that end of the year smell. (J.D. smells a nurse's hair and grimaces.) J.D.: Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr. Currans' wound. Gloria: And I need you to suck it. J.D.: Wow, Gloria, do you kiss your great, great, great, great, great grandkids with that mouth? Zoom, zoom, zoom! Ted, that's funny! Where's the chuckle? Ted: Bank foreclosed on my house. J.D.: Where's your mom? Ted: She's out in the car with the cats. J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso celebrated spring by wearing his golf shorts to flaunt his oddly youthful legs. (Dr. Kelso enters in a shirt, tie and ridiculous golf shorts.) Dr. Kelso: Take 'em in, people. I shaved 'em for you. (Dr. Kelso strikes several poses to show off his legs. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment) Jordan: Tell your daddy what you just did. Jack: I made poopy in the potty. Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop and I'm not gonna lie to you, Jacky, it gets old. Now that's — that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies. Besides, you're going to be doing the same thing for me someday real soon. And yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and that time Wayne Gretzky said "what's up" to me in line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go in your room and — and play for a little while, because your mom and I are gonna celebrate up here, grown-up style. (Jack exits.) Jordan: All right, let's get this over with. I need to take a nap. I've been exhausted all week. Dr. Cox: Yippee. (Dr. Cox leans in for a kiss.) Jordan: Uh-uh, no kissing! Hands behind your back! Let's go! (Cut to Nurses' Station. Kim goes over a chart.) J.D.'s Narration: Yup, love was definitely in the air. (J.D. slides over the counter up to Kim.) J.D.: Hey, Kim, how would you like a night on the town with the hottest doctor in this place? Kim: I'd rather just go out with you. Ohh! Zoom, zoom, zoom! J.D.: You zoom, zoom, zoom? Kim: Ha! Of course. I invented the zoom, zoom, zoom. J.D.: Oh, cool. J.D.'s Thoughts: Liar. (Kim and J.D. approach a bed in the ICU.) Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week. (Josh looks uncertainly at his crotch.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Help the poor kid out. J.D.: Well, five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back. J.D.'s Thoughts: He said, in front of his future girlfriend. J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey. (J.D. tries to exit, but gets caught in a privacy curtain, stumbles and crashes headfirst into an x-ray viewer.) J.D.: Looking forward to our date. (J.D. again tries to exit, but gets a door slammed in his face and he falls over.) Kim: See you around six, wear something slutty. Zoom, zoom, zoom. J.D.: [to himself] That's mine. OPENING THEME Scene 2 Open: Admissions Area. Carla sits on the counter, now quite visibly pregnant. Carla: Eh? You like that? Todd: Wow. I felt it move. Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch. Todd: I know, and I'm loving it. (Todd winks and exits. J.D. enters.) J.D.: Hey, Tubby. Carla: Oh, J.D., come here, I want to you to feel something, quick! J.D.: Ooh. (J.D. moves forward to feel her belly. She slaps him on both sides of the head.) J.D.: OWWWW!! Carla: Don't call me Tubby. J.D.'s Thoughts: Pregnant witch. Hey, there's Kim. She and Elliot had bonded over their ability to communicate at the speed of light. (Cut to Elliot and Kim, talking very, very quickly at the same time.) J.D.'s Thoughts: You'd have to slow it down for humans to understand. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Kim and Elliot converse at a normal pace while a nurse carrying a full tray trips and falls in very slow motion.) Elliot: So the shower's gonna start at four, and there's gonna be baby games. Kim: You're such a good friend. You know, I got her a present, but since we're not close, I think I'm just gonna go home and get ready for my date. Elliot: Oh. (End fantasy.) Kim: Oh, hey, you! I'm psyched for tonight. Elliot: Ah, yes. The best thing about having a date with J.D. is that if you're having Chinese food and you decide you want Mexican, you can just walk right on to the other side of the food court. J.D.: We are not going the mall, Elliot. I was gonna make you dinner and then go to karaoke, but I'm not sure how to do both in the same night. Unless, of course... Elliot: J.D., not Floating Head Doctor. J.D.: Too late, I'm already there. (Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot's apartment. J.D.'s body is making a mess of the kitchen, having put carrots in the candle holder, spilled a bottle of olive oil and cracking eggs onto a cutting board.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Body could stay home and prepare the feast. (Body puts a steak in the dishwasher, then shakes salt all over the counter. Cut to a karaoke bar. Kim and J.D.'s Head are on stage.) J.D.'s Thoughts: And as always, Head could take care of entertainment. Kim: [singing] Don't go breaking my heart. J.D.'s Head: [singing] I couldn't if I tried. Kim & J.D.'s Head: [singing] Oh, honey, if I get restless... Kim: Stop hogging the mic! J.D.'s Head: Body, come! (J.D.'s Body is trying to fry a salad. His arm is on fre. He takes off running, and enters from backstage. He leaps at Kim, who dives out of the way, causing J.D.'s Body (still on fre) to fly off the stage and into the crowd.) J.D.'s Head: Stupid Body! I gotta do everything myself! (J.D.'s Head headbutts Kim and knocks her out.) J.D.'s Head: [singing] Oooh, oooh, and nobody knows...Come with me, Come with me... (End fantasy.) J.D.: Head loves karaoke. Kim: Well, I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend, so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. I began with me sitting in the backseat of his Miata, because his friend, Benny, called gn. And it ends with us going to the arcade, and I quote, to eat pizza and bat up nerds. And I married that guy! (Kim boards an elevator.) J.D.: Well, trust me, Kim. I've beaten up many nerds in my day. But tonight's about you having the best first date ever. Kim: All right, slugger! (The door closes.) J.D. & Elliot: [in unison] Bye! Elliot: You don't have anything planned, do you? J.D.: You had to soil the whole food court thing. It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's! (Elliot and J.D. enter the cafeteria.) Elliot: Well, I'd help you out, but I'm planning a baby shower for Carla. I am going to make this cafeteria look totally different. (Cut to the baby shower. Everyone is in the cafeteria, which is covered with baby-themed decorations. Everyone applauds and cheers as Elliot, Carla and Turk enter. The Worthless Peons begin singing the "Chili's baby back ribs" theme. Turk dances, Carla looks disgusted and Elliot is trying to cut them off.) Elliot: Ted, what the hell? Ted: It's the only song we know with "baby" in it. Elliot: I want my money back. Crispin: What money?! Ted: What? I lost my house. Give me a break. (Cut to later in the party.) Elliot: Fun, right? [sighs] No one is mingling! And why are all the morgue guys so cliquey? Doug: I want yellow. (Doug trades his red sucker for a yellow one with another morgue guy.) Keith: I wish I had cool morgue friends. Hey guys! (Elliot drags Keith away. Carla is opening presents. She is holding a knitted baby sweater. Jordan is mocking the whole proceeding.) Carla: Oooooooh! Laverne, I didn't know you knit! Laverne: I sure do. Mr. Roberts doesn't have one pair of store-bought socks. [to Jordan] I am going to knit you a muzzle. Dr. Cox: [indicating a large stack of presents] Those are all from us. Jordan: It's just Jack's old baby crap. We're really excited to get rid of all that stuff and watch you guys suffer through the hellish, relationship-ruining nightmare that is the baby phase. Carla: Aw. Jordan: Open something. Dr. Cox: G'head, g'head. (Turk opens a box and pulls out a pair of polka-dotted pajama pants.) Dr. Cox: Oh! Those are my workout pants. Jordan: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Dr. Cox: She's been trying to get rid of them, but I'll be honest with you. I love them because they're so darn comfortable, and boy, can you get 'em on real quick. (Turk swaps his scrubs for the pajama pants in super-fast motion.) Turk: Ah. You ain't lying! Dr. Cox: Ah. (Turk begins dancing.) Turk: Baby, check it out. Bam, bam, biggida bam bam... Carla: Wonderful. Thank you. (Cut to a sign labeled "baby games." Keith is blindfolded.) Keith: Why can't we just talk to people? Elliot: Because, Keith, this is the baby game station. Once we start playing, other people will join us. OK, guess what flavor baby food this is! (Elliot feeds Keith a spoonful of baby food.) Keith: Cab driver feet? Elliot: No, Keith! That's turnips! You got it wrong so you gotta finish the whole jar! You guys, this is so much fun! (Keith takes another small taste and gags.) Elliot: Ugh. Where the hell are all your intern friends? (Cut to Dr. Kelso, surrounded by the inters.) Dr. Kelso: Listen up, interns. Notice the definition in the upper calf. Look at it, dammit! See that? Back in Nam, the choppers would hover about eight feet over my head and I'd jump in. You should have seen the look on Charlie's face. [to Rex] Not the enemy, son, the pilot, Charlie Norse. Great guy. He didn't make it back. Where's the cake? Lisa: Eight feet? I don't believe it. (Dr. Kelso jumps up onto the table.) Dr. Kelso: Uhhhh...AHH! Believe that, missy! (Cut to J.D. and Turk.) J.D.: I have to get ready, man. I want my date with Kim to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach? Turk: Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday. J.D.: Yeah, yeah, but except this time with two horses. Turk: Why not just take her to your deck? You can just lie out, look at the stars? J.D.: Unfortunately, I can't. My deck has sort of become a cruise-in spot for older, gay gentlemen. (Flashback. Half-acre. J.D.'s deck and lawn are full of middle-age and elderly men. J.D. chases them out with a broom.) J.D.: Get off my deck, you old queens! Go! HEY! Whose is this?! (J.D. holds up a pink flamingo lawn ornament.) J.D.: Whose is this? You find somewhere else to hang out! I know for a fact Les Mis is in town! (End flashback.) J.D.: I tried turning my hose on them, but they liked it. Turk: Well, if anything, good luck, buddy, (Cut to the beach, sunset. J.D. walks up the beach with two horses.) J.D.'s Narration: I didn't need luck because this was going to be the most romantic date ever. J.D.: Your steed, m'lady. Kim: J.D.! I've never ridden a horse on the beach before! (J.D. helps Kim mount a horse.) J.D.: Upsy-daisy. Kim: Wow, no saddles. Are you sure you're going to be OK riding bareback? (J.D. mounts his horse.) J.D.: No problemo. J.D.'s Thoughts: What's so hard about riding bareback? (J.D. and Kim set off at a trot down the beach. Kim is enjoying the ride while J.D. is clearly in agony.) Kim: Oh, that was amazing! Wasn't that so much fun? J.D.: Oh, yeah, it was awesome. (J.D. falls off the horse. Cut to the cafeteria. Carla opens another present. It is a dog kennel.) Carla: Thank you! Is this for when we buy the baby a dog? Janitor: No. It's a baby cage! It's a good one, too. See, when I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows. It's perfect. If you want to go out to dinner, there's already, like, a water bottle in there. You just throw some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop and you're made in the shade. (The guests are speechless.) Janitor: I'm kidding. It's for when they buy the baby a — a puppy. Everyone: Ohh! Ahh! Ohh! (Carla picks up another present.) Elliot: Ooh! This one's from me and Keith! Oh, he'd be here but he's in the bathroom throwing up summer squash. (Carla opens it.) Carla: Oooh! Elliot: It's a Preggy-Teddy. I got it over at that new maternity lingerie store at the mall. I had a very interesting conversation with the sweet old lady who owns the place. She said not very many pregnant women shop there. It's mostly just fat whores. Everyone: Oh. Laverne: I got to get me one of those. Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, do you wanna weigh in on pregnancy sex? Dr. Kelso: It's a freak show. Dr. Cox: You've seen an ultrasound? They have eyes, they have hands. How do you think they're going to react to an intruder? (Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox make thrusting motions.) Dr. Kelso & Dr. Cox: UNH! Turk: The baby can't grab me down there. [to Carla] The baby can't grab me down there. Carla: No, baby. (Cut to the beach. J.D. is lying on his back.) Kim: OK, I called an ambulance, but you should really let me examine you. J.D.: Oh, no, no, no. The date continues. Kim: J.D., I'm a urologist and there's a good chance you have testicular torsion. In which case, you could lose a testicle. So, come on. Off with the pants. (Kim begins examining J.D.) J.D.: [in pain] Looks like my plan is working. Kim: All right, testicular function is normal. OK, one is significantly larger than the other. J.D.: Actually, that's a preexisting condition. Kim: So the right one's always been bigger? J.D.: Yes. Wait, your right or stage right? Kim: Ugh, let me test the retraction. J.D.: [high pitched] Retract it. J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, the date's not going as planned, but you can still save it with your legendary gift for small talk. J.D.: So, you're from Texas, huh? They say that's the Lone Star State. What exactly does that mean? (Cut to hospital entrance. Jordan and Dr. Cox exit to the parking lot.) Jordan: My boobs are so big right now. Honestly, I think Dr. Fishman threw in a little something extra when he did my chin. Dr. Cox: Would you — would like to see something really just beautiful? Jordan: Mmm. (Turk and Carla drive by, with the car overflowing with presents.) Dr. Cox: There goes all of Jacky-boy's baby stuff. (Janitor walks by on his cell phone.) Janitor: [on phone] No, Mom! Playpen/baby-cage is not like tomato-tomahto! (Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. is on the couch, icing his groin) Kim: J.D., I hope you're not beating yourself up about this. J.D.: Oh, Kim, I'm sorry. I wanted to something fun for our first date. Kim: No, it was so much more fun than you might think. I mean the first seven or eight minutes rocked! Admittedly, it was a little more like work after that, but at least I got to third base with you. J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. The moment where pity was turning into genuine affection. Classic Dorian. J.D.: I feel like we kinda missed first base. Kim: Me too. J.D.: Well, maybe we should fix that. Kim: We should. (Kim and J.D. lean in to kiss. Elliot enters.) J.D.'s Narration: And then it happened. Elliot Reid: Moment kller. (The subtitle "Elliot Reid: Moment kller" appears with old machine-gn sound effects. Elliot jumps onto the couch.) Elliot: What's up, guys? Tell me every detail about the first date. Kim: We were horseback riding on the beach. Elliot: Ah, yes, I've been on that date. Kim: Really? J.D.: What? I had a coupon. J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only one to have an uninvited guest. (Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment.) Jordan: Agh, you know what sucks? I didn't eat any of that crappy shower food and I still feel nauseous. In fact, I've been nauseous for like, two weeks. (Dr. Cox and Jordan sit up and look at each other in absolute horrified realization. Flashback to earlier.) Jordan: I've been exhausted all week. (Cut to hospital hallway.) Jordan: My boobs are so big right now. (End flashback. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment - bathroom. Jordan has just taken a pregnancy test.) Jordan: Yup. I'm pregnant. (Dr. Cox opens the door and sees Jack.) Jack: I pooped in my bed, so I put it on the TV. (Dr. Cox nods and closes the door.) Scene 3 Open: Dr. Cox's Apartment. Dr. Cox: Please forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay, two vasectomies, I feel — I feel I just have to ask. Did you cheat on me? Jordan: No. And you know me. I always tell. Dr. Cox: Well, that's true. That's pretty much why we work well together. (Cut to hospital hallway. J.D. takes down a poster of himself with the caption: "Old? Gay? Like decks?" J.D.: Are you responsible for this? Janitor: What are you talking about? I'm selling my old mop. The 2007's are in. (Janitor shows him a sign saying "Mop for sale See Janitor".) J.D.: Sorry. (J.D. and Turk exit. Janitor hangs the sign up backwards, which has the picture of J.D. on it. Cut to Nurses' Station.) Turk: All right. There she is. We spent all morning crafting a line so raw with confidence, that if you pull it off you're back in the game. J.D.: I'm afraid, mocha bear. Turk: I know. Buck up. (Turk pushes J.D. towards Kim.) J.D.: Hey, Kim. Kim: Oh, hey, J.D., how are you feeling? J.D.: Well, uh, the swelling's gone down... for now. (Suspenseful music plays before it is interrupted by Kim laughing.) Kim: [laughing] You're an idiot! Ha ha ha! (Turk high fives an orderly.) J.D.: Go out with me again tonight. Kim: Oh, J.D., I would love to, but I'm going to a Neil Diamond concert. J.D.: With who? (Elliot enters as before, with the subtitle "Elliot Reid: Moment kller.) J.D.'s Narration: Elliot Reid: Moment kller. Elliot: What's up? Kim: Oh, hey girl. Elliot: Are so you psyched? Kim: I'm so psyched. Elliot: Me too. Turk: [singing] Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America. (Cut to Admissions Area. Jordan and Dr. Cox enter.) Dr. Cox: Could I, uh, could I have everybody's attention please? Jordan's pregnant. Elliot: Oh, you get over here, you! Jordan: Not a hug moment, sweetie. Elliot: Right. Yes. No. Dr. Cox: Mm. (Dr. Cox takes a pencil and begins pretending to have a conversation with it.) Dr. Cox: [as pencil] But, Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. Dr. Cox: We were, but my vasectomy didn't take, which apparently is not that uncommon. Dr. Cox: [as pencil] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. Dr. Cox: Yes, it did, actually. What is — what is your name? Dr. Cox: [as pencil] Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or baby related issues. Dr. Cox: Oh, isn't that nice. You're done. (Dr. Cox violently snaps the pencil in half.) Dr. Cox: This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation. (Turk and Carla enter, laughing.) Carla: Do you wanna do it or should I? Turk: Let's just do it together, all right? Turk & Carla: [in unison] MAAHAAA!! (They continue laughing.) Dr. Kelso: That's from the Simpsons. Elliot: Ahh. Turk: [laughing hard] I'm gonna have a heart attck. (Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: Did you guys hear what Jordan and Dr. Cox did to the guy doctor who botched his vasectomy? (Flashback to doctor's office. Dr. Cox finishes duct-taping the doctor to his chair.) Jordan: Go, Ted. (The Worthless Peons sing the Chili's song, but only the first line.) Dr. Fulton: [cringing] Don't they ever say ribs? Dr. Cox: Never. They never say ribs. (Dr. Cox and Jordan exit. End flashback.) Turk: I heard ten minutes into it, he started eating his own face. Carla: He did. Elliot: Well, you know what J.D.'s got planned since it's his day off and he's dateless? (Cut to outside. A group of people on scooters are revving their engines.) J.D.: This is my first scooter rally. Do you want to be Paunch or John? (Cut to cafeteria.) Carla: I can imagine what Jordan and Dr. Cox are feeling right now. (Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Cox and Jordan are downtrodden.) Jordan: Do you really think we can handle this? Dr. Cox: I don't know. Elliot's Voiceover: I can totally picture J.D., too. (J.D. arrives at his half-acre, alone. His cell phone rings. He answers it.) J.D.: [on phone] Oh, hey, Mom. No, I'm just hanging out alone tonight. I just didn't really have anything else to do. (Cut to cafeteria. Carla, Turk and Elliot look miserable. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Someone knocks on the door. It is Turk and Carla, in front of a pile of presents.) Carla: We want to give you your stuff back. Dr. Cox: We don't feel like dealing with that stuff right now. (Turk holds up a pair of psychedelic pajama pants.) Turk: How about now? (Dr. Cox snatches the pants from Turk.) Dr. Cox: Mm. Come on in. Carla: Hmm. (Cut to half-acre. J.D. is cleaning up.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Ugh, I hate cleaning up after those messy, old queens. (He picks up a drink.) J.D.'s Thoughts: Ooh, appletini. When did they start drinking straight-guy drinks? Mmm. It's fresh. (J.D. takes a sip, before being interrupted by Elliot and Kim.) Kim: What's up, chicken butt? (J.D. hastily drops the drink.) J.D.: Hey, Kim. What happened to Neil Diamond? Elliot: I haven't seen Keith in a while, so I'm gonna take him instead. Kim's letting me off the hook. J.D.: [silently] Thank you. Elliot: [silently] You're welcome. (Elliot exits. J.D. sits on a deck chair next to Kim.) J.D.: What's up? Kim: Nothing. J.D.'s Narration: It seems like good friends always come through for you. (Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Both Turk and Dr. Cox are wearing their pajama pants.) Turk: You like it? Dr. Cox: Yeah, I like it. I can wear 'em out to dinner. [to Jordan] With a sports jacket? Jordan: No. Dr. Cox: Oh. (Carla enters with a chair.) Carla: It's OK, don't get up, I got it. Uhh! Turk: OK. Carla: It's only your child. Look. I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I am now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me. Turk: Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you. Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice. Turk: It's because I love you. Carla: My point is, even with all that crap, I'm sure it's all been worth it. I've seen how happy having Jack has made you two. And yeah, I know it's been hard, but I know that neither one of you regret any of it. (Turk picks something up.) Turk: What the hell is this thing? Dr. Cox: That's Jack's mobile. Actually, it's his third mobile. The first two were deeply embedded in the drywall. They can be quite frustrating to assemble. Jordan: Do you remember when he was teething and he would stare at that thing for hours? Dr. Cox: Yep. Turk: Why does your TV smell like doodoo? (Cut to half-acre.) J.D.: So what do you want to do tonight? Kim: Why don't we just hang here and look at the stars until we're comfortable to make out a little? J.D.: OK. I'm cool with that. (After a pause, J.D. rolls over to kiss her.) Kim: Not yet. J.D.: OK, you let me know. J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I felt like all was right with the couples in the world. (Cut to Elliot's apartment. Elliot is in her concert attire, opening up some beers for her and Keith. They toast and then kiss. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Carla, in her new lingerie, lights some candles and lies down next to Turk. They start to kiss. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Cox picks up a large stuffed snake and teases Jordan with it. She wrestles the snake from him and they cuddle. Cut to half-acre.) Kim: OK, now. (Kim and J.D. kiss.) J.D.'s Narration: And right then, I knew this was the start of something important. (The camera pans out to show them surrounded by couples of old men.) Scene 4 Title Card: Two And A Half Weeks Later Open: Kim's apartment. J.D. knocks on the door with a bunch of flowers. Kim answers. J.D.: Two and a half weeks is too long to wait for a third date. Kim: I'm pregnant. J.D.: What now? Title Card: To Be Continued	{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x24 - My Transition"}	foreverdreaming
(Open on Computer Screen- words being typed as said:) CARRIE: (Voice-over): Once upon a time, an English journalist came to New York .. (Cut to: Young woman sitting in cab) … Elizabeth was attractive and bright and right away she hooked up with one of the city’s typical eligible bachelors (Cut to: New York Office, Tim is on the phone) TIM: The question remains: ‘Is this really a company we want to own?’ CARRIE: (Voice-over): Tim was 42. A well-liked and respected investment banker who made about 2 million a year…. (Cut to gallery opening) ….They met one evening in typical New York fashion at a gallery opening TIM: (pointing at a painting) Like it? ELIZABETH: Yes actually, I think its quite interesting (laughs) What? TIM: I feel like I I I know you from somewhere? ELIZABETH: Doubtful, I only just moved here from London. TIM: London? Really? That’s my all time favourite city! ELIZABETH: (Sarcastic) Oh! It is? TIM: Absolutely! CARRIE (Voice-Over): It was love at first sight ELIZABETH: You know. I think perhaps I have met you somewhere before (Cut to Driving Range: Elizabeth hitting golf ball, with Tim guiding her with his arms around her) CARRIE (Voice-Over) For 2 weeks they snuggled… (Cut to romantic restaurant holding hands) (Cut to their feet playing footsie) …went to romantic restaurants… (Cut to them in bed) …had wonderful sex, and shared their most intimate secrets. (Cut to outside of NY Town house with a ‘For Sale’ sign up) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) One warm Spring day he took her to a town house he saw in Sundays ‘New York Times’ (Cut to inside the house) REALTOR: How about if we start at the top and work our way down? There are 4 bedrooms upstairs. Do you have any children? TIM: Not yet! (Tim and Elizabeth both laugh) (Cut to outside on the street) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) That day Tim popped the question TIM: How would you like to have dinner with my folks Tuesday night? ELIZABETH: I’d love to! (They hug) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) On Tuesday he called with some bad news (Cut to Tim’s Office) TIM: (on phone) My mother’s not feeling very well (Cut to Elizabeth’s apartment) ELIZABETH: (on the other end of the line) Well gosh! I’m sorry TIM: (his office) Could we take a raincheck? ELIZABETH: (her apartment) Of course. Tell your Mum I hope she feels better. (Cut to looking into Elizabeth’s apartment through the window during a rainstorm, Elizabeth is pacing in the room) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) When she hadn’t heard from him for 2 weeks she called: ELIZABETH: (on phone) Tim, its Elizabeth, that’s an awfully long rain check! CARRIE: (Voice-Over) He said he was up to his ears and that he’d call her the next day (Cut to Elizabeth sitting in a cafe with Carrie) ELIZABETH: He never did call of course! Bastard!… CARRIE: (Voice-Over) she told me one day over coffee… ELIZABETH: I don’t understand. In England, looking at houses together would have meant something CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Then I realised no-one had told her about the end of love in Manhattan (Carrie in picture stubs out cigarette) (Cut to view of street at night) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Welcome to the age of “uninnocence”. No one has ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’, and no one has ‘Affairs to Remember’… (Pan to Carrie sitting at her computer through a window) Instead we have breakfast at 7am, and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. (Camera moves to inside her apartment) (Typed on computer and spoken) Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flown the co-op. (Talking to camera) How the hell did we get into this mess? (Pan to NY street during the day Carrie is walking down the street) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) There are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women like this in the city. We all know them and we all agree they’re great. They travel, they pay taxes, they’ll spend $400 on a pair of Minolo Blahnik strappy sandals and they’re alone. (Carrie picks up newspaper) To camera: It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx. Why are there so many great-unmarried women, and no great-unmarried men? (Pan to newspaper. Column title reads ‘Sex and the City’ by Carrie Bradshaw with Carries photo underneath) I explore these sorts of issues in my column and I have terrific sources – my friends (Newspaper headline reads ‘Unmarried Women, Toxic Bachelors) (Cut to Gym) MAN 1: When you’re a young guy in your twenties, women are controlling the relationships. By the time you’re an eligible man in your thirties you feel like you’re being devoured by women. Suddenly the guys are holding all the chips. I call it a mid-thirties power flip (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Peter Mason – Advertising Executive – Toxic Batchelor) MAN 2: It’s all about age and Biology. I mean if you wanna get married, it’s to have kids, right? And you don’t wanna do it with someone older than 35 ‘cos then you have to have kids right away and that’s about it. I think these women should just forget about marriage and have a good time. (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Capote Duncan, Publishing Executive – Toxic Batchelor) (Cut to Miranda picking up salad in a delicatessen) MIRANDA: I have a friend, who’s always gone out with extremely sexy guys and just had a good time. One day she woke up and she was 41. She couldn’t get any more dates. She had a complete physical breakdown. Couldn’t hold on to her job and had to move back to Winsconsin to live with her mother (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Miranda Hobbes Esq – Corporate Lawyer – Unmarried woman) Trust me, this is not a story that makes men feel bad (Cut to Charlottes apartment) CHARLOTTE: Most men are thrat by successful women. If you want to get these guys, you have to keep your mouth shut and play by the rules. (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Charlotte York – Art dealer – Unmarried woman) (Cut to Skippers apartment) SKIPPER: I totally believe that love conquers all. Sometimes you just have to give it a little space, and that’s exactly what is missing in Manhattan – the space for romance (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Skipper Johnston – Website creator – Hopeless Romantic) (Cut to Peter Mason, rock climbing) PETER: The problem is expectations. Older women don’t want to settle for what’s available. (Cut to Central Park, Miranda eating lunch) MIRANDA: By the time you reach your mid thirties you think:‘Why should I settle?’ You know? (Cut to Charlotte’s Flat) CHARLOTTE: It’s like the older we get the more we keep self-selecting down to a smaller and smaller group (Cut to rock climbing) PETER: What women really want is Alec Baldwin CAPOTE: There’s not one woman in NY who hasn’t turned down ten wonderful guys ‘cos they were too short, or too fat or too poor (Cut to Central Park) MIRANDA: I have been out with some of those guys, the short, fat poor ones. It makes absolutely no difference. They’re just as self-centred and unappreciative as the good-looking ones (Cut to rock climbing) PETER: Why don’t these women just marry a fat guy? Why don’t they just marry a big fat tub of lard? (Cut to restaurant with Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte and Carrie all sitting round a table; A group of transvestites are carrying a cake over to the table singing: Happy Birthday dear Miranda, Happy birthday to you! CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Another thirty something birthday with a group of unmarried female friends… (Miranda blows out the candles) … We would all have preferred a nice celebratory conference call (In scene) MIRANDA: You were saying? SAMANTHA: Look, you’re a successful saleswoman in this city. You have two choices: you can bang your head against the wall and try and find a relationship or you can say SCREW ‘EM, and just go out and have sex like a man CARRIE: (frowning) you mean with dildos? SAMANTHA: Noooo. I mean without feeling! (Freeze frame, subtitles read: Samantha Jones – Public Relations Executive – Unmarried woman) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha Jones was a NY inspiration. A PR Executive she routinely slept with good looking guys in their twenties (In scene) SAMANTHA: Remember that guy I was going out with? Oh god! What was his name? Drew? ALL: Drew!! CARRIE: Drew the sex god! SAMANTHA: Right well afterwards, I didn’t feel a thing. It was like: ‘Hey babe, gotta go, catch ya later’ and I completely forgot about him after that CARRIE: But are you sure that isn’t just because he didn’t call you? SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, this is the first time in the history of Manhattan that women have had as much money and power as men plus the equal luxury of treating men like sex objects MIRANDA: Yeah, except men in this city fail on both counts. I mean, they don’t wanna be in a relationship with you but as soon as you only want them for sex they don’t like it. All of a sudden they can’t perform the way they’re supposed to! SAMANTHA: That’s when you dump them! CARRIE: Come on ladies, are we really that cynical? What about romance? SAMANTHA & MIRANDA: ehhhh who needs it? CHARLOTTE: Yeah! MIRANDA: It’s like that guy Jeremiah, the poet. I mean the sex was incredible but then he wanted to read me his poetry and go out to dinner and the whole chat bit and I’m like lets not even go there. CHARLOTTE: What are you saying? Are you saying that you’re just going to give up on love? ALL: Noooo CHARLOTTE: That’s just sick CARRIE: You believe me, the right guy comes along and you two right here, the whole thing (whistles) right out the window CHARLOTTE: That’s right! (pointing at Samantha and Miranda) SAMANTHA & MIRANDA: No SAMANTHA: Listen to me, the right guy is an illusion, you don’t understand that, you can’t start living your life CARRIE: So you think it’s really possible to pull off this whole women having sex like men thing? SAMATNHA: You’re forgetting ‘The Last Seduction’ CARRIE: You’re obsessed with that movie MIRANDA: Okay Linda Fiorentino **ing that guy up against the chain link fence SAMANTHA: and never having one of those ‘Oh my god. What have I done?’ epiphanies CHARLOTTE: I hated that movie (Cut to Carrie’s apartment. She’s typing on her computer) CARRIE (Voice-Over): Was it true? Were women in NY really giving up on love and throttling up on power? (To camera) What a tempting thought (Cut to restaurant. Carrie is having lunch with Stanford Blatch) STANFORD: You know I’m beginning to think the only place one can still find love and romance in NY is the gay community. It’s straight love that’s become closeted CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Stanford Blatch was one of my closest friends. He was the owner of a talent agency who at the moment was down to a single client. (To Stanford): So are you telling me you’re in love? STANFORD: How could I possibly sustain a relationship? You know Derek takes up like a thousand per cent of my time CARRIE: Don’t you think you’re being a little obsessive? STANFORD: Carrie, I’m a passionate person. His career is all I care about. I have to put my personal life on hold. When that’s under control, then I can concentrate on my personal life CARRIE: Stanford, he’s an underwear model STANFORD: With a billboard in Times Square. Oh my god, don’t look turn around. The loathe of your life is at the bar (Carrie turns around to see a man sitting at the bar) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) It was Kurt Harrington, a mistake I made when I was 26…. And 29…. And 31 STANFORD: Carrie, don’t even go there CARRIE: What? Do you think I’m a masochist?? The man is scum. STANFORD: Good, because I don’t have the patience to clean up this mess for the fourth time CARRIE: Will you relax? I don’t have a shred of feeling left. STANFORD: Thank God! CARRIE: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit the ladies room STANFORD: Carrie! CARRIE: (To camera, walking away from their table towards the bar) It was true, I no longer felt a thing for Kurt. After all these years I finally saw him for what he was: a self-centred, withholding creep who was still the best sex I ever had in my life. However I did have a little experiment in mind (Stops at bar next to Kurt) (On screen) Kurt, wow! What are you doing here? KURT: Hey babe (Kisses her on cheek) God you look gorgeous CARRIE: Thanks. So how’s life? KURT: Not bad, can’t complain. You? CARRIE: Oh you know, still writing the column. The usual. So, you seeing anyone special? KURT: Not really, you? CARRIE: Oh just a couple guys. Well you look good though KURT: So do you (Stanford is waving frantically at Carrie mouthing Nooooo!) CARRIE: Sooo what are you doing later? KURT: I thought you weren’t talking to me for the rest of your life? CARRIE: Who said anything about talking? KURT: (Laughs) What do you say to my place, three o’clock? CARRIE: All right, see ya there (Carrie walks back to the table) STANFORD: Are you out of your mind? What the hell do you think you’re doing?CARRIE: Oh, calm down, its research.(Cut to Kurt’s apartment, panning across clothes on floor to bed)CARRIE: Oh God, Oh Kurt(Voice-Over) Kurt was just like I remembered, better because this time there would be none of that messy emotional attachment (Carrie lies down against the pillow and sighs; Kurt comes up from under sheet) KURT: All righty, my turn! CARRIE: Oh sorry, I have to go back to work KURT: What? Are you kidding? You’re serious? CARRIE: Oh yeah, completely. But I’ll give you a call. Maybe we can do this again sometime? (Kisses him on the forehead) KURT: Yeah, but…. (Carrie gets up) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) As I began to get dressed, I realized that I’d done it. I’d just had sex like a man. (Kurt lies back on pillow looking bewildered) (Cut to Carrie walking down the street) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I left feeling powerful, potent and incredibly alive. I felt like I owned this city. Nothing and no-one could get in my way (Man bumps into Carrie knocking her bag off her arm, and the contents go everywhere. Carrie tries to retrieve everything; the man just carries on walking. Another man stops and picks up her lipstick and some condoms and hands them to her. Carrie stands up) CARRIE: (Voice-Over): Number 1: he’s very handsome MAN: (On Screen) There ya go CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Number 2: he's not wearing a wedding ring, and number 3: he knows I carry a personal supply of ultra textured Trojans with a reservoir tip (On Screen) Thanks a lot MAN: Anytime (Carrie walks on, turning to look back at points. He waves and watches her, then turns around and keeps walking – they walk off in different directions) (Cut to a cafe) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Later that night Skipper Johnston met me for coffee and confessed a shocking intimate secret (Skipper walks over to their table carrying coffees, Carrie takes hers) CARRIE: Thank you SKIPPER: Do you know, it’s been like a year? CARRIE: (Looking shocked) Really? I don’t understand that. You’re such a nice guy SKIPPER: That’s the problem. I'm too nice, you know? I'm a romantic. I just have so much feeling CARRIE: Are you sure you’re not gay? SKIPPER: No. I’m sensitive and I don’t objectify women. You know most guys, when they meet a girl for the first time, the first thing that they see is.. um.. you know CARRIE: pssy? SKIPPER: Oh god. Oh! (Carrie giggles) I hate that word. Don’t you have any friends that you can hook me up with? CARRIE: They’re too old for you SKIPPER: I like older women CARRIE: Maybe, maybe my friend Miranda SKIPPER: When? CARRIE: Tomorrow night. We’re all going downtown to this club ‘Chaos’ SKIPPER: Great! … Don’t tell her I'm nice CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda was going to hate Skipper. She'd think he was mocking her with his sweet nature (Cut to Carrie’s apartment from outside, Carrie is walking around) and decide he was an asshle, (The phone rings) the way she had decided all men were assholes (Answers phone) Hello (In this phone conversation, the scene flips between Carrie and Charlotte’s apartments) CHARLOTTE: Hey Carrie, it's Charlotte CARRIE: Hey sweetie CHARLOTTE: Hey, look I can’t meet you guys for dinner tomorrow night because I have an amazing date. CARRIE: With who? CHARLOTTE: Capote Duncan. He's supposedly some big sht in the publishing world. Do you know him? CARRIE: (to camera) Did I know him? He was one of the city’s most ‘ungettable’ bachelors CHARLOTTE: Wait, don’t even answer that question because frankly I don’t care and another thing I’m not buying into any of that women having sex like men crap CARRIE: (To camera) I didn’t want to tell her about my afternoon of cheap and easy sex and how good it felt. (On phone) All right. Listen, have a good time and promise to tell me everything CHARLOTTE: Well if you’re lucky! Bye CARRIE: All right, bye (Cut to in the nightclub ‘Chaos’) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Friday night at Chaos. It was just like that bar in Cheers where everybody knows your name, except here they were likely to forget it 5 minutes later (Carrie waves across bar) Still it was the crème de la crème of NY whipped into a frenzy. Sometimes you got a soufflé, sometimes cottage cheese (Cut to Miranda and Skipper sitting at the bar) MIRANDA: It is like a model bmb exploded in this room tonight. Is there a woman here aside from me who weighs more than 100 pounds? SKIPPER: I know! It's like Undereaters Anonymous MIRANDA: That’s funny Skippy SKIPPER: Skipper MIRANDA: I have this theory that men secretly hate pretty girls because they feel like they’re the ones that rejected them in high school SKIPPER: Right, but if you’re not part of the ‘Beauty Olympics’ you can still become a very interesting person MIRANDA: Are you saying that I’m not pretty enough? SKIPPER: No no no. Or course you are MIRANDA: So ipso facto I'm can't be interesting. Women either fall into one of two categories: beautiful and boring, or homely and interesting? Is that what you’re saying to me? SKIPPER: No, that’s not what I meant MIRANDA: Excuse me, is this your hand on my leg? SKIPPER: (Moves it away) No MIRANDA: All right, let’s just keep them where I can see ‘em. All right? Well I guess you must find me beautiful… or interesting (Cut to Carrie, walking through the bar) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I was just about to rescue Skipper from an increasingly hopeless situation when suddenly KURT: Hey CARRIE: Hey KURT: Lucky me! Twice in one week (Kisses Carrie) CARRIE: Well I don’t know if you're going to be getting that lucky KURT: You know I was really pissed off the way you left the other day CARRIE: You were? KURT: Yeah. Then I thought – how great! You finally understand the kind of relationship I really want and now we can have sex without commitment CARRIE: Yeah right, I guess. So whenever I feel like it I’ll give you a call KURT: Yeah please, I mean WHENEVER you feel like it. If I'm alone, I'm all yours CARRIE: Right (giggles) KURT: I like this new you, call me CARRIE: Yup (looks depressed) (Voice-Over) I didn’t understand (Kurt goes up to another woman and kisses her) Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man why didn’t I feel more in control? SAMANTHA: (Coming up to Carrie) You see that guy? He's the next Donald Trump except he's younger and much better looking (Camera pans to the guy who picked up Carrie’s stuff in the street, who waves at Carrie) CARRIE: (Waves back) Hi SAMANTHA: You know him? CARRIE: No. I’ve never seen him in my life SAMANTHA: He usually only dates models, but hey I'm as good-looking as a model plus I own my own business (Samantha walks over to the guy) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha had the kind of self-deluded confidence that caused men like Ross Perot to run for President and it usually got her what she wanted SAMANTHA: Well if you're not gonna ht on him, I will CARRIE: (Voice-Over) and there she's went, off to take her best sht with Mr Big (Camera follows Samantha walk over to Big) (Cut to Charlotte and Capote) Meanwhile Charlotte York was passing the most splendid evening with Capote Duncan CAPOTE: Wanna come back to my place and see the Ross Blechner? CHARLOTTE: I’d love to, but it's really getting late CAPOTE: No problem CHARLOTTE: What year was it painted again? CAPOTE: ‘89 CARRIE: (Voice-Over) :Though Charlotte was determined to play hard to get, she didn’t want to end the evening too abruptly. CHARLOTTE: Well, maybe just for a minute (They walk off together, Capote with his arm around Charlotte) (Cut to Capote’s apartment) CHARLOTTE: (Looking at painting) This could easily go for a hundred grand. Ross is so hot right now. It's beautiful CAPOTE: No you're beautiful (Starts to kiss her neck) CHARLOTTE: (Pulling away) Thank you for tonight CAPOTE: Yeah? CHARLOTTE: I had a wonderful time CAPOTE: Well, it was my pleasure (They turn to kiss each other, but Charlotte pulls away) CHARLOTTE: I have to get up really early tomorrow CAPOTE: I’ll get you a cab CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Charlotte told me later she thought that she had played the entire evening flawlessly (Capote holds the door to the cab open for Charlotte) CAPOTE: So, what are you doing next Saturday? CHARLOTTE: I’m having dinner with you. (Kisses him and gets into cab) CAPOTE: Hey, wait, you're going to the West Side, right? CHARLOTTE: Right, West 4th and Bank, please (to Cab Driver) CAPOTE: Hey, scoot over, will ya? (Gets into cab) Two stops, 4th and Bank, and West Broadway and Broom (Cab pulls away) CHARLOTTE: You're going to Chaos? CAPOTE: Oh yeah! CHARLOTTE: Why? CAPOTE: Look, I understand where you're coming from and I totally respect it, but I really need to have sex tonight! CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Back at Chaos, things were swinging into high gear and Samantha was putting the moves on Mr Big BIG: I've been smoking cigars for years, back when they were terminally uncool SAMANTHA: I've got this great source that sends me Hondurans. Do you want to try one? BIG: No, thank you SAMANTHA: Really? You can't find them anywhere BIG: Cohibas, that’s all I smoke. (lighting cigar for Samantha who puffs it suggestively) SAMANTHA: (with a soft voice, and leaning in) Look I do the PR for this club and I have the key to the private room downstairs BIG: Really? SAMANTHA: You want a private tour? BIG: No thanks, but maybe another time (Samantha sits back annoyed and puffs on her cigar) (Cut to Skipper and Miranda leaving the club) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Meanwhile Skipper Johnston was hopelessly smitten with Miranda Hobbes SKIPPER: So where are we going now? MIRANDA: Listen Skippy, you know you're a nice, sweet guy but… SKIPPER: Oh, I understand MIRANDA: (kisses him on the cheek) Goodnight (He pulls her back and pushes her against a wall, and kisses her passionately) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda told me later that she thought he was too nice, but that she was willing to overlook one flaw (Cut to Capote’s apartment) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Capote Duncan found his fix for the night (Samantha and Capote enter giggling) SAMANTHA: Where is it? I wanna see the Ross Blechner CAPOTE: Wait, later. Later (They kiss passionately) Oh listen, I uh, I gotta get up really early, and actually you can't stay over. Cool? SAMANTHA: Sure, I have to get up really early too (Capote kisses Samantha’s neck and moves downwards, Samantha smiles) (Cut to Carrie standing outside Chaos trying to hail a cab) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) and so another Friday night in Manhattan crept towards dawn, and just when I thought I would have to do the unspeakable, walk home… (A big black car pulls up, with Big in the back seat) BIG: Well, get in for Christ’s sake (Carrie smiles and gets in the car) Where can I drop you? CARRIE: 72nd Street and 3rd Avenue (Cut to inside the car) BIG: Have you got that Al? AL: (Driver) Yes, sir BIG: So, what have you been doing lately? CARRIE: You mean, besides going out every night? BIG: Yeah, I mean what do you do for work? CARRIE: Well, this is my work, I'm sort of a sexual anthropologist BIG: You mean like a hooker? (They both smile) CARRIE: No, I write a column called Sex and the City. Right now, I'm researching an article about women who have sex like men (Big looks confused) You know, they have sex and then afterwards they feel nothing BIG: But you're not like that CARRIE: Well, aren’t you? BIG: (Shakes his head) Not a drop, not even half a drop CARRIE: Wow, what’s wrong with you? BIG: I get it, you’ve never been in love CARRIE: Oh yeah? BIG: Yeah CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Suddenly I felt the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to crawl under the covers and go right to sleep (Car pulls over, and Carrie gets out) CARRIE: Thanks for the ride BIG: Anytime (Carrie shuts her car door and walks away, then turns back to the car and knocks on the window) CARRIE: Wait (The window opens) Have you ever been in love? BIG: Abso- ***in’-lutely (Car drives off)	{"type": "series", "show": "Sex and the City", "episode": "01x01 - Sex and the City"}	foreverdreaming
(Carrie’s apartment, Carrie is at her computer typing) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Last night my friend Miranda got invited to a dinner party by a man she hardly knew (Cut to dinner party) She was the date of Nick Waxler, a fairly successful sports agent who once told her she had nice legs NICK: Okay, old movie stars you’d have liked to f*** when they were young? MIRANDA: Alive or dad? NICK: It doesn’t matter. I’ll start, Veronica Lake the year she made Sullivans Travels. Dave? DAVE: I'd have to say Sophia Loren, probably ‘cos my dad has this thing for her DEANNE: Oh we won't go there! Montgomery Clift MIRANDA: He was so gay! DEANNE: Oh GREG: Marilyn Monroe before the Kennedys got to her. Honey? ELLEN: Bing Crosby EVERYONE: Ooooo ELLEN: I stand by my choice MIRANDA: Sean Connery. Yesterday, today and tomorrow CARRIE: (Voice-Over) For a first date Miranda felt like she was hitting it out of the ballpark (Cut to kitchen, Miranda hands a plate over to wife) MIRANDA: Thanks ELLEN: So, how long have you known Nick? MIRANDA: We’ve been riding the same elevator line for years, and then we had lunch a few weeks ago, and then he invited me here for dinner ELLEN: Well, we adore him MIRANDA: He's very smart DEANNE: Guess he took our ultimatum seriously ELLEN:(in a warning tone) Deanne!? MIRANDA: What are you talking about? CARRIE: (Voice-Over) They told Miranda that Nick had this thing for models (Cut to same dinner party, another night, with a different date for Nick) NICK:OK Old movie stars you’d have liked to fck when they were young. I’ll start: Veronica Lake, the year she made Sullivan’s Travels. Dave? DAVE: I'd have to go with Sophia Loren, probably ‘cos my dad had a thing for her DEANNE: Montgomery Clift GREG: Marilyn Monroe ELLEN: Bing Crosby NICK: Yvette? YVETTE (Nick’s model girlfriend) I don’t know, Charlie Sheen? CARRIE: (Voice-Over) They’d come to dinner, push their food around and pout (Cut to same dinner party, another time again, different model) NICK: Veronica Lake DAVE: Sophia Loren DEANNE: Montgomery Clift GREG: Marilyn Monroe ELLEN: Bing Crosby (They all sound really bored) NICK: Marissa? (Marissa whispers something in Nick’s ear, gets up and walks out of the room; the men follow her with their eyes, the women glare) NICK: She, uh had to make a phone call CARRIE: (Voice-Over) It got to be a problem. They decided to take action (Cut to kitchen, night of date with Marissa) ELLEN: Can't you find a woman who can carry on a decent conversation? DEANNE: Yeah Nick, and eat without purging? NICK: What are you saying? DEANNE: You can't bring around any more of these so called models Nick. Uh-uh it's too depressing NICK: Okay, okay I’ll see what I can do (Cut to present dinner party in the kitchen) ELLEN: And then he brought you DEANNE: So obviously not a model ELLEN: In a good way (Miranda looks depressed) MIRANDA: Nick dates models? (Cut to cab with Nick and Miranda in it) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda confronted him, and it didn’t take long for him to fold (Miranda gets out of cab) NICK: It's true, it's true. Okay. I'm obsessed MIRANDA: Obsessed with models NICK: Correct MIRANDA: So what am I? Your intellectual beard for the evening? NICK: Don’t be pissed, all right? (Miranda shakes head) You gotta admit, you met some nice people, you had a good time, okay? (Goes to kiss her, she backs away) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) you were on a date with a modelizer….(Cut to Carrie and Miranda in a restaurant)… and you didn’t even know it? MIRANDA: If men like Nick are dating models what chance do ordinary women have? I mean do you have to be a supermodel to get a date in New York? CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Modelizers are a particular breed (Cut to Carrie typing on her computer in her apartment) They’re a step behind womanizers who will sleep with just about anything in a skirt (Cut to view of woman’s leg) Modelizers are obsessed not with women, but with models who in most cities are safely confined to billboards and magazines (Cut to lots of billboards) (Cut to street) But in Manhattan, actually run wild on the streets turning the city into a virtual model country safari where men can pet the creatures in their natural habitat (man stroking model’s leg) (Cut to Carrie’s apartment, all 4 girls are there, eating take-away) CARRIE: (to camera) as if we didn’t have enough problems MIRANDA: They're stupid and lazy and should be sht on sight SAMANTHA: I've been out with a lot of guys and they say I am just as beautiful as a model, but I work for a living. I'm like, well I'm like a model who’s taken the high road MIRANDA: The advantages given to models and to beautiful women in general are so unfair, it makes me puke SAMANTHA: (Hugging Miranda) Sweetheart you are so cute MIRANDA: Cute doesn’t cut it in this town. What’s cute compared to supermodel? CARRIE: (Voice-Over) There's nothing like raising the subject of models among four single women to spice up an otherwise dull Tuesday night CHARLOTTE: They have this distant, sexy look MIRANDA: That’s not sexy, that’s starvation SAMANTHA: That’s starvation in the best restaurants MIRANDA: Yeah, what I wanna know is when did all the men get together and decide that they would only get it up for giraffes with big breasts? (Samantha laughs) CHARLOTTE: In some cultures heavy women with mustaches are considered beautiful SAMANTHA: And you're looking at me while you're saying that? MIRANDA: We should just admit that we live in a culture that promotes impossible standards of beauty CHARLOTTE: Yeah, except men think they're possible MIRANDA: Yeah CHARLOTTE: You know, no matter how good I feel about myself if I see Christy Turlington, I just wanna give up MIRANDA: I just wanna force feed her lard, but that’s the difference between you and me (All laugh) CARRIE: What are you talking about? Look at you two, you're beautiful CHARLOTTE: Oooo I hate my thighs MIRANDA: O come on CHARLOTTE: I can't even open a magazine without thinking "thighs, thighs, thighs" MIRANDA: Well I'll take your thighs and raise you a chin CARRIE: I’ll take you a chin and raise you a … (points at nose) (All look at Samantha expectantly) SAMANTHA: What? CARRIE: Come on SAMANTHA: I happen to love the way I look MIRANDA: You should. You paid enough for it ( Miranda, Carrie and Charlotte all laugh) SAMANTHA: Hey, I resent that. I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet CARRIE: I find it fascinating that four beautiful flesh and blood women could be intimidated by some unreal fantasy. I mean look, look at this (pulls out magazine) Is this really intimidating to any of you? CHARLOTTE: I hate my thighs (looking at it) MIRANDA: Pass the chicken SAMANTHA: You know, I have that dress (points at magazine) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Suddenly, I was interested. If models could cause otherwise rational individuals to crumble in their presence, exactly how powerful was beauty? (Cut to two women in restaurant at table) CASSIE: There are two types of guys that fall for beautiful women, either they're slime balls that are just out to get laid, or they fall in love with you instantly its pathetic (Subtitled Cassie Fields, runway model) (Cut to Nick on street) NICK: Why fck the girl in the skirt if you can fck the girl in the ad for the skirt? (Subtitled Nick Waxler, Modelizer) (Cut back to Cassie Fields) CASSIE: Being beautiful is such a power. You can get whatever you want (Cut to model in the park) XANDRELLA: You can get anything, I've been offered trips to Aspen, weekends in Paris, Christmas in St Barts (Subtitled Xandrella, supermodel) (Cut to gym) BRAD: A motorcycle, a juicer (Subtitled Brad Fox, catalogue model) (Cut to Nick on street) NICK: Its not like models don’t have brains, they have 'em, they just don’t need to use 'em ASHLEIGH : Most guys just think you're dumb, but I'm really very literary. I read (Subtitled Ashleigh B, lingerie model) I'll sit down and read a whole magazine from cover to cover (Cut to gym) BRAD: Some scuba gear, a Herb Ritt's photo (Cut to park) XANDRELLA: A Bulgari necklace, a breast job (Cut to Nick) NICK: My friends think I'm shallow. Sometimes I think they’re right, other times I think 'Hey I'm fing a model' (Cut to Barkley’s apartment, he's painting and talking to Carrie) BARKLEY: Models are a lot looser than you'd think. It's way easier to screw a model than a regular girl ‘cos that’s what they do all the time. It's how regular people are when they're on vacation CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Barkley, a notorious modelizer was one of those SoHo wonders who maintained a fabulous lifestyle despite never having sold a single painting CARRIE: (On Screen) So you're saying it's easy to meet them? BARKLEY: No, it's not easy. The trick is you gotta treat ‘em like they're regular girls. You gotta be able to roll into a place, walk up to the hottest thing there, otherwise you're finished. It's kinda like being around dogs, you gotta show no fear CARRIE: Things? You call ‘em things? BARKLEY: Yeah, well they are things, beautiful things and that’s what my life is about you know, beauty. Come here I wanna show you something. This is my real art, I can't really show it to the public (Pan to roughly 10 tvs) well not yet at least (pushes a chair to Carrie) Sit down (Tvs all show him having sex with women) That’s Vanessa, that’s Tanya, Elana, Katrina CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I couldn’t believe it. The man had slept with half the perfume ads in September’s ‘Vogue’ CARRIE: (On Screen) Do they, do they know about this? BARKLEY: Maybe? Oh look at that one (Shows tv screen) She does runway now, but I think she's gonna be huge someday CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I didn’t know what to say there really wasn’t anything to say, except… (Cut to Carrie with a cigarette in her mouth) (On screen) Do you have a light? BARKLEY: Sure (Flicks up lighter) (They both watch the tv on which Barkley winks at the camera whilst having sex) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Later that day I was relieved to discover (Cut to Skipper and Carrie walking along a street) that at least one eligible bachelor got his kicks off the runway SKIPPER: So I totally dig your friend Miranda CARRIE: Hey, that’s great SKIPPER: yeah I think she is so sexy, she's smart and, did she tell you that we made out? CARRIE: No? SKIPPER: Yeah, it was totally hot CARRIE: Oooo, so did you call her? You should call her SKIPPER: I did, like a hundred times, she totally won't return my phone calls. Did she say anything about me? CARRIE: No SKIPPER: I don’t know, maybe she's just busy. Am I not cute enough for her? CARRIE: Of course you are Skipper. You're adorable. SKIPPER: Well, I don’t know (Gives Carrie his phone) Find out for me. I wanna see if I still have a chance CARRIE: Right now? In front of you? SKIPPER: Go ahead, I can handle it (Carrie dials number) MIRANDA: (on phone) Hi this is Miranda. Please leave me a message CARRIE: (to Skipper) It's her machine (Skipper grabs the phone off Carrie) SKIPPER: (on phone) Hey this is Skipper. I'm in the street with Carrie. I just told her how you won't call me back. So now you have to call me back. You better call me back! No no I'm kidding! I'm joking! But seriously I hope you call me back and um did I mention this was Skipper? (walks off camera) CARRIE: (to camera) I believe there is a curse put on the head of anybody who tries to fix up their friends (Cut to backstage of fashion show) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Where better to find modelizers in their natural habitat than a fashion show? (Carrie and Stanford walk in) Luckily my friend Stanford Blatch had a client in the hottest show in town STANFORD: ‘The Bone’ is like the human equivalent of the sable coat. He's so beautiful that I find sometimes I have to look away CARRIE: Do you see him? STANFORD: Right over there CARRIE: Where? STANFORD: Look at him. It's like he travels with his own personal lighting director (Cut to man wearing only a pair of tight boxers) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Derek aka ‘The Bone’ was the world’s biggest underwear model, and Stanford’s most important client, as well as the subject of his single minded obsession DEREK: Hey Stanny STANFORD: Derek, I would like you to meet a very dear friend, Carrie Bradshaw CARRIE: (Shaking hands with Derek) Nice to meet you STANFORD: Carrie writes the column ‘Sex and the City’ DEREK: Wow! That’s great CARRIE: Do you read it? DEREK: Uh no STANFORD: The other day Derek and I were walking past his billboard, and he told me he’d like to get a piece of it for his apartment like maybe his nose, and I said ‘you should get the bulge in your pants’ That way when women ask how big you are you can say ’14 feet’ DEREK: That would be funny, wouldn’t it? CARRIE: Yeah (laughing) STANFORD: (to Derek) Everybody’s talking about you. You are so great. You’re gonna be a star! Have I told you that enough? (patting his chest excitedly) You're a star! You're a star CARRIE: (pulling Stanford away) We’d better let you get dressed DEREK: I am dressed CARRIE: Oh STANFORD: We’ll see you after the show DEREK: Bye CARRIE: Bye STANFORD: (walking away from Derek) Can you believe anyone that beautiful can be that nice? I keep dreaming that someday he's just gonna turn around and say ‘Stanford, I love you’ CARRIE: Is he gay? STANFORD: He denies it, but how could anyone that gorgeous be straight? (Cut to audience, Samantha is sitting in the front row) SAMANTHA: (waving to Carrie) Sweetie, over here CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha Jones never missed a major fashion show. She was one of the only people I knew that thought proximity to beauty made her feel more attractive (Carrie goes to her, the kiss, and Stanford and Carrie sit down next to Samantha) CARRIE: Hey sweetie, so wait, what happened, you couldn’t find seats right on the runway? SAMANTHA: Oh you can see all the flaws from this angle (Show starts, Barkley sits down in the row behind Samantha and Carrie) BARKLEY: Hey Carrie CARRIE: Hey Barkley, how are you? BARKLEY: You going to the party afterwards? CARRIE: Umm I don’t know SAMANTHA: Of course we are. Hi, I'm Samantha BARKLEY: Barkley SAMANTHA: (whispered to Carrie) Martini straight up or with a twist? CARRIE: Straight up SAMANTHA: (Camera cuts to Barkley) Really? He's very cute. You're not dating him? CARRIE: God no, he's a total modelizer SAMANTHA: Is he dating any one model in particular? CARRIE: Actually he's sleeping with all of them in general SAMANTHA: Only models? CARRIE: Only models (Samantha turns to look at Barkley seductively, he winks at her. Derek comes onto the runway and looks towards Carrie, Samantha and Stanford, The girls both wink at him; Close up of his bum) (Cut to party) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Later that night we all went downtown for a party (Pan to Carrie on her own) I was beginning to float away on a sea of sweet potato puffs with smoked salmon and sour cream when… (Big walks into the party) It was Mr Big : major tycoon, major dreamboat, and majorly out of my league (Big walks up to Carrie, whose mouth is full) BIG: I thought I saw you on the runway CARRIE: (with full mouth, surprised) Oh hi BIG: I started reading your column after we met CARRIE: You did? BIG: Yeah, cute CARRIE: Cute? BIG: Well, yeah cute. What are you writing about this week? CARRIE: Umm well I'm working on a story about men who date models Any thoughts? BIG: Only that they're very lucky. So what have you discovered about these men who are dating models? (moves very close to Carrie) CARRIE: Well, I'm discovering that some of them treat it as a competitive sport and others I think just need the validation BIG: and probably others just have a thing for exceptionally beautiful women CARRIE: Exactly BIG: And there's something wrong with that? CARRIE: No, there's nothing wrong. I just think it might become a little monotonous. Puff? (Offering him an hors d’oeuvre) BIG: Um no thanks (someone barges past Carrie saying excuse me) BIG: So where do you uh where do you write these stories? CARRIE: My cute stories? BIG: Yeah, have you got an office or anything? CARRIE: No, well about half the time I'm at my apartment and the other half I'm over at this coffee shop on 73rd and Madison (Very pretty girl walks up to them) BIG: Oh uh Carrie, I'd like you to meet Misha CARRIE: Oh hi, you were great in the show MISHA: Thank you (whispers something in Big’s ear) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Suddenly I felt like I was wearing patchouli in a room full of Chanel (to Big) Well it was nice talking to you BIG: Oh see you around some time I hope (walks away with Misha, but turns back to raise an eyebrow at Carrie) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) The truth was I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 when I realized that I no longer had the energy to be superficial SAMANTHA: (Coming up to Carrie) You friend Barkley, he's really been coming on to me. Do you actually think he believes I'm a model? CARRIE: Well, whatever it is you don’t want to go there SAMANTHA: Why not? CARRIE: He has this thing for secretly taping his conquests SAMANTHA: Really? What a pervert (Walks away half smiling ) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) As Samantha began to get ready for her close up (Samantha looks in mirror checking herself) I felt it was time to call it a night (Cut to outside) I had never felt so invisible in my entire life (Hails taxi, as she's getting into one, Derek comes up and stops her) DEREK: Carrie? CARRIE: Hey, hi Did Stanford leave? DEREK: No, he's in there giving a neck massage to a Versace model. So where are you going now? CARRIE: Oh I'm going home DEREK: Can I come? CARRIE: You wanna come home with me? DEREK: Sure, if it's quiet. I can't take these crowds (They both get into the cab) CARRIE: (To camera, smiling) The things you gotta do in the name of research (Cut to Carrie’s apartment) CARRIE: Shouldn’t you be spending the night with some girl from the show? (Getting wine) DEREK: No, I never date models, I think they're stupid CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I wondered if there wasn’t some kind of physics for beauty. Maybe two models repelled, maybe models could only be attracted to ordinary humans (They sit on the bed) DEREK: So I think it's so cool that you write CARRIE: Thanks (They both lie back a bit further) DEREK: I wish I could write. I've got intense thoughts but I can't keep them in my head long enough to get them down on paper CARRIE: Well, that’s the big trick DEREK: The truth is I'm totally neurotic. One minute I can be walking down the street, totally cool, and the next minute I'm depressed for no reason. I'm totally self conscious, before I say something I say it in my head first so it doesn’t come out wrong CARRIE: Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time? DEREK: It only takes a second (Takes Carrie’s cigarette, and they touch fingers) and sometimes I get so distracted CARRIE: What's distracting you now? DEREK: Your nose CARRIE: Thanks a lot, I hate my nose DEREK: It's just so cute. I hate my nose too, it's too big but I think it depends on my hair CARRIE: Yeah (stroking his hair) I see what you mean DEREK: So what do you wanna be when you grow up? CARRIE: Well I think this might be it. What do you want to be when you grow up? DEREK: I’d like to move back to Iowa and have kids and be a cop CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I felt like I was in my bedroom when I was 16 and I used to hang out with this guy who was really beautiful and my parents thought I was helping him with his Chemistry homework DEREK: Do you mind if we just lie here? I get so lonely in the city. Sometimes it's just nice to lie with someone CARRIE: Sure, we could do that CARRIE: (Voice-Over) It was hard to imagine that anyone so beautiful could ever be lonely (Cut to supermarket, Miranda is shopping) Meanwhile, somewhere below 14th Street, two ordinary joes were doing their own lonely late night thing (Skipper comes down another aisle, missing Miranda) KOREAN GROCER: (to Miranda) Anything else? MIRANDA: No, that’s it (paying for purchase) KOREAN GROCER: Just cat food? MIRANDA: Yes, just cat food (Skipper comes up to Miranda) SKIPPER: Hey MIRANDA: O hi Skipper (looking embarrassed) SKIPPER: So like how come you haven’t been returning any of my calls? MIRANDA: I'm sorry it's been a really busy week SKIPPER: I thought we had a connection MIRANDA: I don’t know (to Korean Grocer) Could I get my change? SKIPPER: You get that way with every guy that you're with? MIRANDA: No, it's just, don’t you wanna go out with a girl your own age? SKIPPER: It's got nothing to do with age, I, I think you're luminous MIRANDA: You think I'm luminous? SKIPPER: Totally (Pan to Miranda’s reflection in Skipper’s glasses) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda couldn’t resist the vision of herself reflected in Skipper’s slightly smudged lenses MIRANDA: All right lets get outta here SKIPPER: Okay, let me just pay for my Capt’n Crunch MIRANDA: There's cereal at my place SKIPPER: Oh (They leave) (Cut to Barkley’s apartment, Barkley and Samantha are having sex) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) And Samantha found the ultimate validation: sex with Barkley (Samantha’s looking round for the camera, whilst still having sex) SAMANTHA: So, uh where is it? BARKLEY: What? SAMANTHA: The camera? BARKLEY: Your friend Carrie tell you about that? SAMANTHA: Uh-huh BARKLEY: Don’t worry, I only tape models SAMANTHA: I won't mind BARKLEY: Fine I’ll make an exception (Gets up and reveals camera, you can now see Barkley and Samantha on all the tvs) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha demanded nothing less than the same consideration given every other model in town (Cut to Carrie’s apartment, the next morning, Carrie and Derek are asleep on the bed. The phone rings) CARRIE: Hello? STANFORD: (on phone) Carrie, it's Stanford. Do you have any idea what happened to Derek last night? CARRIE: Actually you’ll never believe it, but… STANFORD: Yes? CARRIE: (holding the phone to her chest, and whispering to Derek) It's Stanford (Derek takes the phone) DEREK: Hey Stanford STANFORD: Derek? Could you put Carrie back on the phone? DEREK: Sure (hands phone to Carrie) CARRIE: Hello? STANFORD: How could you? CARRIE: I didn’t, we just talked STANFORD: I knew he was gay! (Cut to Nick Waxler on the street looking unshaven and dishevelled) NICK: It's amazing what you’ll do to be with these models. I've gotta retire soon. They keep me from getting work done, they make me f* up my life. Look at me, I'm an old man at 34 (Cut to Carrie in a café typing) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I began to realize that being beautiful is like having a rent controlled apartment overlooking the park: completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least (Big walks into the café and sits down opposite Carrie) BIG: I'm not interrupting your work am I? CARRIE: (with a big smile) Hey, what a surprise BIG: I can't stay. I'm late for a meeting, but I've been thinking about your article about men who date models CARRIE: What about them? BIG: First of all, well there are so many gddmn gorgeous women out there in this city CARRIE: (sarcastic) What an amazing observation BIG: But the thing is, after a while you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh, you know what I mean? (Carrie nods) Okay, see ya (Walks out of café, Carrie smiles) CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I take that back, beauty is fleeting, but a rent controlled apartment overlooking the park is forever	{"type": "series", "show": "Sex and the City", "episode": "01x02 - Models and Mortals"}	foreverdreaming
OPEN ON: Photo sht. Fast music plays in the background and there are sounds of people talking. Carrie is on the bed, posing, wearing a beige slip dress as flashes flare. Carrie as voice over: Two weeks ago, I had my pic taken. It was a promotional photo for my column… (Carrie covers her face, laughing, still poised on the bed, body laying on one side, one hand on her head, holding it up.) Male Voice: Good, good. (Pan to: Carrie in a pink tube top is sitting on a stool, a heavy black curtain for background behind her as flashes and sounds of a camera go off) …scheduled to run on the side of the bus. (Quick scene changes. One scene camera sht her face as she looks into the camera and pans down her body and legs, still in slip dress, as she lays on the bed.) …I had misgivings… (Carrie sits on the end of the bed, wrapped in a white towel as her arms are on her sides while her feet kick up and down; Carrie with her laptop;) …which was somewhat nullified when they told me I can keep the dress. (Cut to: INT. CARRIE’S APARMENT-STUDY) (CHARLOTTE gets up from a reclining chair, putting down a magazine she’s been reading and walks to the kitchen where Miranda and Samantha are raiding a cabinet with drinks.) Friday night, in lieu of any actual social life of their own, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte had all stopped by to live vicariously thru my first official date with Mr. Big. (Charlotte goes to the refrigerator and picks up a plate of cookies sitting on top of it.) CHARLOTTE: Kerry! (Pan to Carrie turning the corner to them, wearing the beige slip dress.) SAMANTHA: Oh honey, it’s fabulous! Bravooo! MIRANDA: It’s tits on toes baby but you make it work. CHARLOTTE: Let’s just say it, it’s the naked dress I mean you’re obviously going to have sex with him tonight. CARRIE: Come on it’s our first date. MIRANDA: She’s not going to have sex, she’s just gonna look like sex. CARRIE: That’s right, I’m just a trailer. SAMANTHA: Please. (pouring wine to a glass as we see Miranda already drinking some) If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up! CHARLOTTE: (wearing black rimmed reading glasses) Wait a second…if you’re serious about this guy, you can’t sleep with him on the first date. SAMANTHA: Oh god. MIRANDA: (walking away) Here she goes again with the rules. SAMANTHA: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. (Samantha and Miranda settle in on the couch with their drinks while Charlotte and Carrie follow right behind) So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to get women who can get laid feel bad. CHARLOTTE: (to Carrie) But if you’re serious about a guy then you have to keep him in a holding pattern for at least 5 dates. CARRIE: Oh, you’ve gone up. CHARLOTTE: Yes. Because the number of dates that you wait to have sex with a man is directly proportional to your age. MIRANDA: Forget the math, just don’t screw on the first date and you’re fine. CARRIE: 3rd date. CHARLOTTE: Too soon. SAMANTHA: Reality check. A guy can just as easily dump you if you screw on the first date and if you wait until the 10th. MIRANDA: When have you ever been on a 10th date. CHARLOTTE: And by then at least you’re emotionally involved. SAMANTHA: Exactly. I mean isn’t it better to find out if sex is good right off the bat before anybody’s feelings get hurt? CHARLOTTE: But it’s okay to have hurt feelings. MIRANDA: And you always handle those so well. CARRIE: Well there is something to be said for being straight. SAMANTHA: Since when did you become such a Victorian. CHARLOTTE: The Victorians were on to something. They valued romance. MIRANDA: True romance cannot exist without good sex. SAMANTHA: Yet, you can have good sex with someone you don’t like or respect or even remember. (Door Buzzer) CARRIE: Alright, well, ladies I’m going out for dinner. (Carrie puts her empty glass on the table.) Good night. ALL: Bye! CHARLOTTE: Have fun. CARRIE: (excitedly) Bye! (After she closes the door and is walking down the hall) CARRIE: The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him. But isn’t delayed gratification the definition of maturity? (eyebrow lifts) (CUT TO: NY street, Nighttime. A taxi and cars are parked on the side. Sounds of moving vehicles. Though the sidewalk is dimly lit, we see a man next to a car. He looks like he may be well dressed, wearing a suit. (Pan to: Carrie in slip dress, long fur coat, walking towards him in high heels, smiling, holding a thin purse. They come face to face.) MR. BIG: Interesting dress. CARRIE: Meaning? MR. BIG: Interesting dress… (he grins, opening the limo’s back door for her, she goes in. He follows and checks out her bare legs.) Don’t worry, I am perfectly capable of restraining myself. CARRIE: So am I. (their eyes meet, voila! Passion erupts! They kiss and make out.) (CUT TO: BEDROOM. We see legs, feet, and arms moving the rest of their bodies, hidden behind a bed.) CARRIE: (voice over) I can’t be hemmed in by rules I go with my emotions. I mean some of the greatest romances of all time began with sex on the first date…I bet. (Pan over the bed, to the couple on the floor. Mr. Big is lying on his back, eyes closed with Carrie with her arms on his chest as she kisses his body.) I will not be the first one to speak and if he never calls me again I’ll think of him fondly, as an asshle. CARRIE: That was really and completely…on the first date. I mean, I didn’t plan that you know. What do you think? MR. BIG: Well…ahh. (He pulls his arm from under her.) I thought it was really pretty great but what do I know. You feel like having some sachwan? (They look at each other) (Cut to: INT Chinese Restaurant) Pan from the back of the cook to the plate of beans and vegetables, through the food counter, an Asian waiter in uniform who takes a plate of noodles towards a table where yards from him, we see Carrie and Mr. Big enter. CARRIE: (voice over) Has Mr. Big discovered my weakness for great sex & greasy Chinese. Or was going out to dinner merely a diversionary tactic to keep me from spending the night. (they remove their jackets and hang them on their seats when Carrie spots someone) Before I was able to completely indulge my paranoia, it was my pal Mike Singer. We’ve known each other for 10 yrs. But never had sex because we want to know each other for another 10 years. CARRIE: Hey. MIKE: Carr—what are you doing here? CARRIE: Well, I’m along with a— MIKE: You look great. CARRIE: Not too naked? (Carrie looks at Mike’s date but he doesn’t seem to want to introduce them) MIKE: Just naked enough. CARRIE: (to Mike’s date) Hi, I’m Carrie Bradshaw, I’m an old friend of Mike’s. (they shake hands) LIBBY: I’m Libby Viomic. It’s so nice to finally meet you. MIKE: So I’ll call you. CARRIE: Okay, great, have a good dinner. (she smiles, nodding to Libby) Nice to meet you. (voice over) I left the table wondering why Mike didn’t want to introduce me to his date. Scene 4 At a Kickboxing class. Women in boxing mitts, ht punching bags. Instructor’s voice in the background. CARRIE: That very same night something absolutely amazing happened to Miranda. (Miranda’s practicing kicking the punch bag, held by a classmate when she accidentally kicks him on the face) MIRANDA: Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… (she drops to the guy holding his eye) CARRIE: (voice over) She met someone at gym class. (After class, Miranda’s walking down the street with the classmate.) MIRANDA: Are you sure you’re okay? TED: I’m fine. So what exactly about my head pissed you off? MIRANDA: I wish there was something I could do. TED: Well you can buy me dinner sometime and a CAT scan. CARRIE: (voice over) His name was Ted Baker. He was 32 years old, a sports doctor with an apartment overlooking the Natural History Museum. 3 prior serious relationships, none resulting in marriage. (she kisses him on the forehead) MIRANDA: Kiss to make it better. (she kisses him on the forehead) TED: So, really, can I call you sometime? MIRANDA: Sure. (EXT: PARK, leaves have fallen off of trees. Carrie’s wearing a blue scarf and brown jacket while Miranda has a white shirt and dark blue blazer on) MIRANDA: He left a message on my machine when I got home. He wants to go out this week. CARRIE: Hey, that’s fantastic. MIRANDA: Well, it’s too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brain. CARRIE: What’s too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That’s too quick. MIRANDA: You both got excited and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself. CARRIE: No, I don’t blame myself, I blame the dress, the dress. The dress led me on, it had a life of its own. Then we went to this Chinese Restaurant afterwards and you’ll never guess who I ran into. MIRANDA: Who? CARRIE: Ted, out on a date. MIRANDA: The whole world’s in love. CARRIE: I’m not sure. I don’t know. He was acting very weird like he didn’t want me to meet her or something. MIRANDA: What’s her name? (INT: BED BATH AND BEYOND. Pan from shoppers looking at products to Carrie and Mike are flopped on pillows) CARRIE: (voice over) Her name was Livvy Biollock. Mike told me everything that afternoon while I helped him pick out sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond. CARRIE: So how long have you been seeing her? MIKE: Awhile. CARRIE: Is this a painful topic? MIKE:No, it’s just that she’s not someone I date openly. CARRIE: Why is she married? Is she a cousin? MIKE: No, look, the thing is she’s smart, incredibly sweet…sex is great. She’s just not the one I see my self with. CARRIE: Why not? (voice over) It was about 6 months ago. Mike had been dumped by Fiona Mavreck, a cellist from the Phil Harmonic who he was trying to forget as quickly as possible. (Pan thru small food store) They had both loved to cook and shopping was a Saturday morning ritual so he was feeling particularly vulnerable when… LIVVY: (Holding a big chunk of cheese) Care to try some cheese from the Taorolian Alps? MIKE: Thanks. (Livvy gives him a sample, Ted tastes it) MIKE: Hmmm, it’s good. LIVVY: It’s made by monks. Taorists monks. Geppos cheese from the Napa Valley. (she smiles and gives him another sample) MIKE: It’s delicious. LIVVY: It’s a triple cream from France. (she smiles and tastes her finger) (CUT TO: Libby and Mike kissing with passion as they enter an apartment) CARRIE: (voice over) Mike found himself very uninhibited. (They kiss to the living room, moaning as they go. He tears open her red top. She pulls his pants down, revealing blue boxers, they fall on the bed, getting it on) Since he didn’t think Libby was that gorgeous there wasn’t any pressure. (Mike and Livvy are on the sofa naked, only a small throw and some fabric covering them.) The next morning, he woke up and felt at ease, very relaxed. MIKE: I’m a creative director at that agency but eventually, I’d love to have my own shop. LIVVY: I’d love to have my own shop too. Well, cheese shop I mean. MIKE: She was one of the only women he’d ever met whom he felt he could just be with. (Back to the Bath and Body, Carrie’s still lying on the pillows with Mike) CARRIE: So what’s the problem? MIKE: Look, she’s not beautiful. And we don’t have a lot in common. You know, most of her friends are in dairy. Well, she’s warm and unpretentious and…she’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. CARRIE: What are you afraid of? What other people are going to think? MIKE: Look, all I know is that she’s not the right woman for me in the larger sense. So I keep her a secret. CARRIE: (voice over) I couldn’t decide whether Mike was being shallow or honest. But the question nagged me for days. (INT: CARRIE’S APARTMENT) Carrie typing on computer (voice over) How many of us out there are having great sex with people we’re ashamed to introduce to our friends? (CUT TO: INT CARRIE’S APARTMENT. Samantha has a drink in her hand.) SAMANTHA: Did I ever have fabulous sex with someone I didn’t to admit to hmmm…did I ever tell you about that jazz musician who lived with his mother in Queens? CARRIE: Yeah—Allan. (she’s looking thru books and papers) SAMANTHA: What about the window washer? CARRIE: He doesn’t wear underwear? SAMANTHA: I met this gorgeous kid in Spy Bar last year… CARRIE: He turned out to be in HS. (voice over) Evidently, Samantha has had lots of sex. None of which was secret. SAMANTHA: Fine, it just proves that I’m not ashamed of anyone whom I’ve slept with. CARRIE: Okay, here it is (Carrie holds up a poster, rolls it onto the wall where Samantha helps her tack it on) SAMANTHA: Aw, you look— CARRIE: Naked. (voice over) There it was, the dress that down the garden path with Mr. Big. Should I be embarrassed? SAMANTHA: No, you look fabulous. Besides, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. SAMANTHA: Yeah, you would say that. You’re a publicist. SAMANTHA: We need to go some place absolutely fabulous where we can toast you when the bus comes by and you can invite Mr. Big. CARRIE: No, no, I don’t think so. I haven’t heard from him since we spent the night together. SAMANTHA: Oh sweetie, forget about him. You are going to be on the side of a bus. 10 million men are going to be drooling over you every morning on their way to work. It’s the best personal ad I’ve ever seen in my life. CARRIE: (voice over) Samantha had a particular knack for turning a desperate situation to a hopeless one. SAMANTHA: Oh, speaking of secret sex, did Charlotte ever tell you about the rabbi? CARRIE: The rabbi? (CUT TO: INT: ART GALLERY. Carrie and Samantha are talking to Charlotte) CHARLOTTE: Excuse me? SAMANTHA: Oh, you know what we’re talking about— CHARLOTTE: I cannot believe that the two of you came here to interrogate me at work. CARRIE: I’m sorry, it’s my fault. CHARLOTTE: Anyway, he wasn’t a rabbi, he was a hessidic folklorist from Brooklyn. SAMANTHA: Close enough. (CUT TO: EXT: STREET OF BROOKLYN, People in Jewish garb are walking, we see Charlotte asking for directions) Evidently, Charlotte had seen Smidt’s work at Hampton and scheduled an appointment to meet him at his studio. (Cut’s to Charlotte walking down stair case of an art studio with Smidt) CHARLOTTE: These are outstanding. So much life. You have a beautiful way with light. SMIDT: Thank you. CHARLOTTE: (she walks over to a huge painting) Now this one’s really special. SMIDT: That’s my Shiva. I wanted to capture the exuberance of youth. CARRIE: (voice over) Charlotte quickly became intoxicated by his talent, his strangeness and the smell of his wool. CHARLOTTE: Magical (they kiss, make out) CARRIE: (voice over) It was so sexy. So perfect. Daddy’s little episcopelian princess in the arms of one of God’s chosen people. (CUT TO: INT OF ART GALLERY) CHARLOTTE: It’s all about art and Sex and the Tora. CARRIE: Well, why didn’t you introduce him to anyone? CHARLOTTE: I was embarrassed. I mean I couldn’t really date him. He couldn’t date me. I mean what would people think. SAMANTHA: If the sex is good, who cares what anybody else thinks? CHARLOTTE: Now you, do not put this in your column, promise. CARRIE: I promise. (voice over) Was good sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state exempt from the judgment of the world or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives? (phone rings, Mr. Big) MR. BIG: You miss me yet? CARRIE: Who is this? MR. BIG: How have you been? CARRIE: Oh, great. Fabulous, fantastic and you? MR. BIG: Well, on the risk of sounding trite, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. CARRIE: I adore trite. MR. BIG: Listen, we should have a real first date. You know the true American type, dinner and a movie? Of course, knowing us, we’ll skip the movie. CARRIE: Just as long as we don’t skip dinner. What a relief. I had just escaped the sex on the first date curse. (CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET) Carrie is walking streets with Mr. Big CARRIE: That weekend I was out with a man whose name I wanted to shout from the roof tops. MR. BIG: (He’s got his arm around her as they walk) Let me get this straight, your picture is going to be on a bus. CARRIE: That’s right. MR. BIG: A cross town bus or downtown bus? CARRIE: The M2, goes right down 5th. MR. BIG: That’s a good line. CARRIE: I’m getting together a group of my friends tomorrow to watch them arrive maybe if you weren’t doing anything… (A man comes out of his store with his hand out to Mr. Big) Hey, how are you? MR. BIG: Hey (Mr. Big shakes hand with man with wife) How are you? MAN: Good to see you. You remember Phillis. MR. BIG: Of course, Phillis, how are you? MAN: Everything good? MR. BIG: Yeah, everything’s dandy. MAN: That’s what I hear. So umm—good to see you. MR. BIG: Good to see you again. MAN AND PHILLIS: Ba bye, cheers. (Carrie and Mr. Big starts walking again) CARRIE: Who was that? MR. BIG: Oh just some guy I skied with in Aspen. CARRIE: (voice over) I didn’t understand, had I suddenly become the invisible woman? I tried not to let it bother me. I also tried not to let it bother me that he took me back to Fung Hoa, scene of our post coital dinner. MR. BIG: Oh I-I can’t make it to your party tomorrow. CARRIE: Oh no, I wanted to introduce you to my friends. MR. BIG: Well, I’ll be home later if you miss me. CARRIE: (voice over) As I surveyed the room, I realized it smelled like a cheap date you don’t want anyone to meet. I told Mr. Big I was on a deadline and I had to get home. (Mike in home office, phone call from Carrie in her kitchen) CARRIE: Listen, I have a question of all the restaurants in Manhattan why did you take Libby to Fung Hoa? MIKE: Well, it’s pretty obscure. Not much of a chance of running into anybody I know. CARRIE: So you mean, it’s a kind of a place where men take women they don’t want to be seen with in public? MIKE: Yes, it’s perfect for that. Ohhh, sorry. CARRIE: (voice over) The evidence was mounting. Was it possible that I have become Mr. Big ’s secret sex girl? (CUT TO: INT: BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT. Miranda’s in bed as Ted steps down stairs and walks towards her) The next morning, Miranda discovered a shocking sex secret of her own. She had just spent a wonderful night with Ted who had to leave early in the morning to catch a flight to DC for a spinal conference. MIRANDA: I can go home, it’s no big deal. TED: No, no stay, it’s 6AM. (they kissed) Be back tonight. Wanna do something? MIRANDA: I’d love to. TED: I’ll call you tomorrow. MIRANDA: Have a good flight. CARRIE: (voice over) Miranda waited for the deadbolt to drop and then used the opportunity to ransack Ted’s apartment and look for pictures of old girlfriends. She was not at all prepared for what she found. (CUT TO: INT: BEDROOM WATCHING VIDEO. Miranda and Carrie watching Spanked video on TV) MIRANDA: I don’t know what to do. I can’t admit to having found this but now I don’t know if I want to see him again. CARRIE: How can you judge him ‘til you spank him? I’m only kidding. MIRANDA: But obviously this is what he’s into. CARRIE: Maybe it’s just his fantasy life. (CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET, Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha are in different colored party hats. Samantha is pouring each woman champagne) CARRIE: Late that day, the creative NY gathered to toast the maiden voyage of my bus. SAMANTHA: Where’s Mr. Big? CARRIE: Couldn’t make it. CHARLOTTE: What do you mean he couldn’t make it? CARRIE: I don’t know it’s a work day. CHARLOTTE: Oh, but this is your bus party. Oh…I told you you shouldn’t have, well never mind. CARRIE: What, he’s not here because I slept with him on the first date? CHARLOTTE: Basically yes. When you sleep with a man on the first date otherwise it won ’t be anything more than just sex. CARRIE: Uh-huh. Cheers (toasted champagne) I didn’t want to admit that she was right. (a bus is driving up) SAMANTHA: Ah, here it comes! CARRIE: (voice over) I just wanted to see my bus and get the hell out of there. (But it wasn’t the bus) CHARLOTTE: Oh—sh*t. MIKE: Carrie! CARRIE: Hey! MIKE: Did I miss it? CARRIE: No, hey, I thought you were going to bring Libby? MIKE: Oh yeah, I finally asked her to go out with me in public, she turned me down. CARRIE: Why? MIKE: She told me she met somebody else who doesn’t have my problems with intimacy. CARRIE: Oh, I’m sorry. SAMANTHA: Ah, quiet…(a bus comes) Here you come! (they gasp, the picture had a mustache drawn on) CHARLOTTE: Ohhh SAMANTHA: Oh don’t worry sweetie, don’t worry. Nobody in NY notices a bus until it’s about to ht them. CHARLOTTE: That’s right. (CUT TO: EXT: Miranda and Ted coming out of restaurant) CARRIE: (voice over) Meanwhile, Miranda spent another wonderful evening with Ted and began to reevaluate her options. MIRANDA: That was one of the most amazing meals I have ever had. Thank you. TED: My pleasure. You know, I missed you today. (he’s holding her hand) MIRANDA: You did? TED: I guess I’ve just been waiting all this time for a good kick in the head. MIRANDA: And here I thought that all you really needed was a good spanking. TED: Excuse me? (he pulls away and looks at her surprised) MIRANDA: You heard me. TED: Oh. (he walks away from Miranda) CARRIE: (voice over) Ted didn’t take Miranda home that night. He never took her calls or returned her messages. And she never saw him at the gym again. (CUT TO: INT: Carrie on to Mr. Big’s apartment) CARRIE: (voice over) Very late that night fueled by a massive quantity of champagne I decided to say good bye to Mr. Big. (she knocks on door, he opens it, looking like he’s been sleeping) CARRIE: I just came here to tell you that if you’re embarrassed or ashamed to be involved with me in any way then we can no longer see each other. (voice over) The truth is I blame myself. I wore the naked dress on our first date. I slept with him too fast. And now I’m on a 5th Ave bus with a mustache on my face. MR. BIG: What are you talking about? CARRIE: You don’t introduce me to your friends. (she goes to his bar and gets a drink in a martini glass)You bring me back to that restaurant where men take women they don’t want to be seen with. You won’t come out and meet my friends. You have me in a niche for certain events, certain restaurants, certain people like I’m only a particular fragment of the kind of person that you think you should be dating. MR. BIG: But I’ve only gotten to know a particular fragment. Although I’m beginning to know more. CARRIE: Well, this is not me. This is me (she flings her arm, spilling her drink) reacting to your perception of me. MR. BIG: Oh, okay. Well, I think Fung Hoa is the best Chinese food in the city so that’s why we went there. And uh, oh, the guy we met in the street, and I couldn’t remember his name—which probably means I have altzeimers so that’s what that was about. And this afternoon I had courtside tickets to the Knicks and that’s all, folks. (Mr. BIG drinks from martini glass) CARRIE: (voice over) I should have been jumping for joy, but I only felt a hard knot of fear. CARRIE: So, you and me, then maybe this is for real? MR. BIG: (Mr. B pulls her in.) Could be. (They kiss. Mr. B picks her up and pulls her to the bedroom) -END-	{"type": "series", "show": "Sex and the City", "episode": "01x06 - Secret Sex"}	foreverdreaming
Carrie (v.o.): The island of Manhattan is a cozy village populated by more than seven million fascinating individuals … who all behave like they own the sidewalk but lately it seemed as if the entire city had been magically reduced to only two people... us. Four-hour conversations flew by in a space of fifteen minutes and a few days apart felt like weeks, I realized that Einstein's law of relativity would have to be amended to include a special set of rules, those to explain the peculiar effects of infatuation. Carrie and Miranda are in their apartments talking on the phone to each other. Carrie: Hello? Miranda: Hi, I'm trying to get hold of a Miss Carrie Bradshaw; she used to be a friend of mine. Carrie: Yeah, good morning. Miranda: Wait, I think I recognize that voice. Carrie: God, I can't believe it's been that long, I've been meaning to call you. I've just been… Miranda: fcking your brains out? Carrie: Well, yeah, that's the least of it. You know what, I don't think that I have been ht this hard since...nah you know what, I'm not going to compare it to anything else because everything else has always ended. Miranda: So, will I actually get to see you sometime? Carrie: Yeah, absolutely, how about tonight? Miranda: Yeah, tonight'll work. Carrie: Alright, so I'll call Charlotte and Samantha and see if they're free, ‘cause…Big’s got this dinner thing, so ya’ know, we didn’t have any plans anyway… Miranda: God, would you listen to yourself? Carrie: Yeah, I know, I've become one of those women we hate. Miranda: Yes you have, I can't talk now, I'll call you later ok? Carrie: All right, bye. Carrie (v.o.): As I hung up, I realized I'd committed the cardinal sin. I'd forsaken my girlfriends for my new boyfriend. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are in a restaurant. Int. Carrie (v.o.) That night I faced the tribunal. Miranda: We really weren't that concerned. Samantha: Just completely hurt and offended. Charlotte: Actually, you missed a lot. Carrie (v.o.): Miranda had worked on a big successful merger… Samantha was obsessed with the idea of a new apartment… And Charlotte, Charlotte was practically engaged. They met the day after I dropped off the edge of the earth… He's name was Michael Conway, he was from a good New York family and he absolutely adored Charlotte. Charlotte: I think this might be it, I think this might be the one. Samantha: We’ve met him, he's perfect. Miranda: Even his fcking dog is perfect. Charlotte: But… there's one thing. Carrie (v.o.): Last night after Michael took Charlotte to the Philharmonic, they went back to his place and began the classic dating ritual … the blowjob tug of wr. Michael: Oh, come on. Charlotte: not tonight. Michael: When? Charlotte: Uhm, sometime. The girls are having lunch at a restaurant int. Charlotte: The truth is... I hate doing it. Samantha: Honey, you can't be serious. Miranda: Are telling us you never perform this act? Carrie: She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head. Charlotte: I don’t like putting it in my mouth. I have a very sensitive gag reflex and it makes me want to puke. Miranda: That's one way to say no. Charlotte: It's not like I haven't tried… practiced on a banana. I pretended it was a popsicle but … I just don’t like it. Miranda: Personally, I’m loving it up to the point when the guy wants me to swallow. Carrie: Well, that’s just really a judgement call. Samantha: Some men just take it so personally if you don’t. Miranda: Some guys don't give you a choice. Carrie: Well, that’s just bad behavior. Charlotte: Are you honestly telling me you like it? Carrie: Well, it’s not my favorite thing on the menu but, you know, I’ll order it from time to time. And, with the right guy, it can be nice. Miranda: Oral sex is like god's gift to women; you can get off without worrying about getting pregnant. Samantha: Plus, the sense of power is such a turn on. Maybe you’re on your knees but you’ve got him by the balls. Charlotte: Now, you see, that is the reason that I don’t want to go down this road. Carrie: Well, sweetheart if you’re going to get all choked up about it…just don’t do it. Miranda: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you? Charlotte: I don’t. Miranda: Oh well forget it, I only give head to get head. Samantha: Me too. Carrie (v.o.): A few hours and a couple of bottles later, vows of friendship renewed, we were almost out the door when… Samantha: Isn’t that Mr. Big? Carrie: Yeah, I’m going to go over and say hi. Miranda: Ditching us now would be in really bad form. Carrie: I’m not going to ditch you. Carrie: Surprise. Mr. Big: Hey, Carrie, how are you? Good, good I was just out here, with my posse having dinner and …er…I saw you. Mr. Big: Oh, uhm, Carrie this is Julia Woods. Mr. Big: Julia, Carrie Bradshaw. Julia: Pleased to meet you. Carrie: Can I talk to you for a second? Mr. Big: Sure. Carrie: Excuse me. Carrie pulls Mr. Big away from the table… Carrie: Are you on a date? Mr. Big: Sort of. Carrie: I thought you said you had a business thing tonight. Mr. Big: I said a dinner thing. Carrie: Well, she’s stunning and I should know because frankly, she stunned me. Carrie: Well, uhm, enjoy your dinner. Mr. Big: Are you ok? Carrie: Oh, sure, sure. I was just…er…You know I didn't realize you were dating other women. Mr. Big: Well, not a lot of them. Why don’t we talk about this Saturday? Carrie: Sure, sure, sure. So uhm then, enjoy your dinner. Oh already said that…enjoy it twice. Samantha: Here we go. Carrie meets up with her friends, who hadn’t missed a second of Carrie’s deceiving conversation with Mr. Big. They walk out of the restaurant… Carrie: I can't believe it, he's seeing other women! Samantha: Prick! Carrie (v.o.): True, we had never discussed exclusivity. But while for me the idea of seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase, Big was happily dating another woman like it was the most natural thing in the world. Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy, or is it more than that? Carrie (v.o.): I wondered in a city like New York, with it’s infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect? Water boy: I’ve been involved in a monogamous relationship for over a year now. It’s been wonderfully fulfilling. Of course, my definition of monogamy includes sex with prosttute. Mid 30’s Lady: The problem with monogamy?… it’s just so incredibly dull! Mid-30’s guy: My lover and I have a kind of 90’s monogamy. We have sex with other people but we don’t exchange fluids or phone numbers. Mid 20’s Lady: Monogamy is fabulous it gives you a deep and profound connection to another human being and you don’t have to shave your legs as much. Businessman: Of course, I’m monogamous. Why, what have you heard? A Real Estate broker is showing Samantha an apartment, int. Pamela: This is the c-line. This is the best in the building. Pamela: Have you ever seen any place like this? Is this to die? Samantha: It’s nice. Pamela: Hold this, just a second. Pamela: Excuse me, excuse me, was someone looking for a view? Samantha: Oh, Pamela it’s beautiful but it’s a little out of my price range. Pamela: I know, I know, so sue me. I just love to show the crème de la crème. I will break my ass for you, sweetheart. I just want to ask you for one small favor in return. Samantha: My first-born? Pamela: No, sweetheart. I don’t even want my own kids! Promise me that you won’t work with any other broker. Samantha: Of course. Carrie (v.o.): Samantha didn’t believe in monogamy, especially when it came to Real Estate agents. A male real estate agent shows Samantha around a spacious apartment. Rick: This is a pre-wr six. Notice the classic lines, very solidly built. Carrie (v.o.): Although Pamela had the hottest contacts in town, Rick did have a slight competitive edge. He gave Samantha the opportunity to combine her two greatest loves… Sex and Real Estate. Carrie and Stanford are talking int. bar. Carrie (v.o.): That afternoon I dragged my poor, tortured soul out to lunch with Stanford Blach and attempted to stun it senseless with cosmopolitans. Stanford: Monogamy is on the way out again. It had a brief comeback in the 90’s but as the millennium approaches everyone’s leaving their options open. Carrie: Come on, you wouldn’t commit to a nice guy given the option? Stanford: I can’t even commit to a long distance carrier. Carrie: You know what you are? You’re a whore. Stanford: I wish that were true. Jared: Hey, Stanford. Stanford: Jared, how are you? Jared: My book just got a kick-ass review at Entertainment Weekly. Stanford: How marvellous! Stanford: Oh, Jared, have you met Carrie Bradshaw? Jared: No, but I’ve read your column. Nice shit. Carrie: Thanks. Jared: You should write about me sometime. My life’s so fcked up right now. Stanford: Oh Carrie, Jared is the writer of the book ¨Avenue B¨. And New York magazine just named him one of the 30 coolest people under 30 in the city. Carrie: Wow, what an honor. Jared: You know, if they were doing the 30 sexiest women under thirty, I’m sure you’d go right to the top of the list. Carrie: You’re quite the storyteller, aren’t you? Jared: That’s no lie. Jared: Listen, the magazine’s having a party tomorrow night at the ¨Bruno¨ I’ll be sure to put your names at the door so, you’ll be there? Carrie: I’ll do my best. Jared: Groovy. Jared: Ciao. Carrie is back in her apartment, Int. Carrie (v.o.): What was happening to me? I used to get a secret rush from men who ht on me during their fifteen minutes of fame, in this case it nearly felt exhausting. Carrie: Hello. Mr. Big: Hello. Hello Carrie: Oh, hi. Mr. Big: I was just calling to confirm tomorrow night. Are we still on? Carrie: Yeah, of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be? Carrie (to herself): I was striving for not coming over but I was worried I had just bordered on shrill. Mr. Big: I’ll pick you up at eight. Carrie: uhm, yeah, it’s fine. Mr. Big: I miss you baby. Carrie: Yeah, me too. Carrie (v.o.): There were so many questions I wanted him to answer but would not ask. Not tonight at least, no, tonight I would ask Miranda. Carrie and Miranda are having coffee at an outdoor café. Carrie: He said, I miss you baby. Do you think that was meant to be some kind of coated ¨mea culpa¨? Miranda: You mean like, what he really meant was I’ve been a complete idiot please forgive me for having dinner with that other woman. Carrie: Yeah, exactly. Miranda: Could be. Carrie: Oh no, ‘cause that would mean that everything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere, was said to interpretation. In that case what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected rejections of my feelings for him. Miranda: What? Carrie: Oh god, I’m freaking. I gotta stop. Skipper: Hey, Carrie. Skipper: Hey guys, great to see you. What are you up to? Carrie: Just, hanging. Skipper: Oh hey, Allison this is Miranda and Carrie. Miranda, Carrie this is Allison. Carrie: Hello. Allison: Hi, it’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you. You know, we’re all such great big fans of your column over at Vogue. Miranda: You work at Vogue? Allison: Yeah, designer relations. Skipper and I just had the most incredible meal. This darling French Bistro. That I am telling you I lived a year in Paris and never ate so well. And cheap. Go quick before the times destroys it with the rain. Skipper: Anyway, it’s great to see you guys. Allison: Yeah, great meeting you. Carrie and Miranda keep on talking as Skipper and Allison walk away. Miranda: Who was that self-important bitch? Carrie: I think that was Skipper’s new girlfriend. Well, she seems alright. Miranda: I didn’t think that was his type. Carrie: Well, that’s true Miranda you’re his type but you broke up with him, remember? Miranda: Something looks different, has he been working out? Skipper and Allison are back in Skipper’s apartment for a night of passion. Answering machine: Hey, Skipper here…leave me a message. Miranda (on answering machine): Hi Skipper, it’s Miranda I just want to say it was great running into you today. You look great, did you do something different to your hair? Skipper: Hello, Miranda. I can’t talk right now. Miranda: That’s ok. I just wanted to say, maybe, I thought we could have dinner some night. Skipper: Seriously? Miranda: Yeah, I miss you. Skipper: I’ll call you later. Allison: Is everything ok? Skipper: Allison I think you’re great and Uhm…but I gotta be totally honest with you the woman who I think I love just called and asked me back. Allison: You’re breaking up with me while you’re still inside of me? Carrie (v.o.): As Skipper re-dedicated his singular affection for Miranda, Charlotte was receiving her own declaration of monogamy. Michael: What do you think about not seeing anyone else but each other? Charlotte: Really? That might be a good idea. Michael: I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had in my life. Charlotte: Well, in that case….absolutely. Carrie (v.o.): And while Charlotte embraced fidelity and Samantha flaunted her infidelity. I found myself caught somewhere in between. Carrie: So, whose very part of the apartment. Mr. Big: Max, he’s an old friend of mine, now remember back in… Melissa: Hey there stranger. Mr. Big: Melissa, this is Carrie Bradshaw Melissa: Hi, love your column, never miss it. Melissa: I’ve been trying to call you. You still have my passport. Mr. Big: She’s a friend I once travelled with. Carrie: Internationally I would imagine. Mr. Big: Let’s find Max…Hey, Max. Max: I’m glad you could make it. Mr. Big: Max, I want you meet someone very special. Max: Julia!! Carrie: Actually, it’s Carrie. Max: Carrie? Well, welcome. Mr. Big: Carrie writes a fantastic column, it’s called sex and the city. Max: Well, if you’re looking for material you’re dating the right man. Mr. Big: Oh, thank you Max. Carrie: Are we dating? I thought we were just sleeping together. Mr. Big: Oh. I’m sure tonight, we won’t be doing much of either. Mr. Big: Carrie. Carrie, you’ve got to be kidding. Carrie: How many women are you dating? Mr. Big: In the Tri-State area? Carrie: Well, let’s see there’s me, Julia, oh, and let’s not forget international Melissa Mr. Big: I’m not doing this Carrie. Can’t we just enjoy the party? Carrie: I don’t know. Mr. Big: Come on, what do you want from me? Carrie: What do I want from you? Nothing, I don’t want anything from you. Carrie (v.o.): I felt like a fool I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn’t realize I was standing out there alone. When life gets this confusing, sometimes there’s only one thing to do… Attend a fabulous party. Carrie: Hey Stanford. Stanford: Carrie, what a surprise. Where’s uhm… Carrie: Don’t ask.. Stanford: What happened? Carrie: He became predictable. Stanford: How predictable? Jared: Hey, you made it. Carrie: Hey, Jared. Jared: I’ll get you a drink. Carrie: Cosmopolitan. Carrie (v.o.): In a room where everyone was gorgeous, cool and under thirty… monogamy suddenly began to seem like a quaint notion. Skipper: That was like... so great. Don’t you just want to lie like this forever? Miranda: For a few minutes, anyway. Skipper: I missed you. I want you to know that that other woman doesn’t mean a thing to me. Miranda: That’s alright, I don’t mind if you keep seeing her. Skipper: Oh, god no. I broke up with her the second that you called. Miranda: Skipper, you didn’t have to do that. Skipper: Of course I did, I was so happy to hear from you we were still doing it while I was talking to you and I didn’t even realize it. Miranda: You’re kidding, right? Skipper: No, I’m not crazy. Miranda: Yeah, that’s exactly what it is, crazy. Listen, Skipper, I’m not ready for a full-blown relationship thing. Skipper: What? Miranda: I mean…we could see each other and still see other people, right? Skipper: No, no, we can’t. At least I can’t. Skipper: Why did you call back anyway? Miranda: I’m sorry, I thought… Skipper: I’m not your private stud horse, you know, just Dial-A-fck. Miranda: Come here, come back. Skipper: I’m tired of being jerked around, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Carrie (v.o.): While Miranda misjudged the intensity of Skipper’s feelings, Michael left Charlotte no doubt about his. Michael: You’re amazing. You’ve got everything I’m looking for and I never found before in one woman. Brains, taste, class. And you’re very, very sexy. Charlotte: Thank you. Michael: What’s the problem? Charlotte: I hate doing it. Michael: You hate giving blowjobs? Charlotte: It’s not that big of a deal is it? Michael: Sort of. Can’t you just … do it for me? Charlotte: Would you really want me to do something that I didn’t want to do? Michael: You’ll get used to it. Charlotte: No, I won’t. I never have. Sorry. Michael: Well, I plan on getting a lot of blow-jobs in the future and I’m hoping that you’re around when I get them. Charlotte: What’s that supposed to mean? Michael: It means I’ll have to find them somewhere else. Charlotte: You’re telling me that you would give up a woman who really cares for you, who would share your hopes and your fears and your dreams, the future possible mother of your children, all for a blowjob? Michael: You’re right. Will you at least, lick my balls? Charlotte: Good bye, Michael. Carrie (v.o.): Michael was upset but butterscotch seemed pleased, she was finally back in her monogamous relationship. Half past midnight in a city that never sleeps, neither did the Real Estate market. Samantha: It’s beautiful Rick: Isn’t it? It went off the market at mid-night and you’re the first one to see it. Two bedrooms, pre-wr, fireplace and a view. Everything you wanted. Samantha: I love it, I really love it. Rick: I knew you would. Samantha: Let’s celebrate. Rick and Samantha get comfortable as her former-real estate agent walks into the apartment. Pamela: Oh, my god. I can’t believe that you were working with another broker. Samantha: I can’t believe you weren’t gonna show me this apartment. Carrie (v.o.): 02:00 am and I already have a new man in my life. Jared: You know the greatest thing about writing a successful book, besides the validation the acclaim? knowing that I’m pumping my ideas to the world. Carrie: I thought it was the fact that you could behave like an utter asshle and people would find you amusing. Jared: I’m like in love with you, you know that? I’m like fcking in love with you. Will you go out with me tonight? Carrie: Give me a minute; I just have to make a call. Mr.Big: Hello. Carrie: I just had to let you know that I’m at this very cool party for very cool people under thirty and this very cool novelist wants to take me home. Mr.Big: What the hell happened to you? Carrie: His name is Jared, he’s really cute and really successful and he just put his arms around me. Here, say hello, Jared. Jared: Hello, Jared. Carrie: That was Jared. Mr. Big: Carrie, just…get over here. Carrie: No, you get over here. Mr. Big: I can’t. I don’t know where you are. Carrie: I’m at the Lennard Park Café, meet me up front. Your name is not on the list. Carrie (v.o.): Forty-five minutes later I realized I was alone in a park at 03:00 am and that it was time to call it a night. Mr.Big: What are you doing back here? you said to meet out front. Carrie: This is the front. Mr.Big: This isn’t the front, this is the back, I’ve been waiting out front for thirty goddammn minutes. Carrie: You see those doors? That’s the front, you were waiting at the street entrance. Mr. Big: The street entrance is the front entrance. Carrie: Depending on where you’re coming from. Mr. Big: Ok, I’m here now, what’s going on? Carrie: I’ve done the merry-go-round, I’ve been through the revolving door, I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and … Don’t you want to stand still with me? Mr. Big: You drag me out to a park at 03:00 in the morning to ask me if I want to stand still with you? Carrie: Yes. Carrie (v.o.) In a city of infinite options sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you already have one. Mr. Big hugs Carrie as they watch the stars.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sex and the City", "episode": "01x07 - The Monogamists"}	foreverdreaming
Ella: How's your blog going? Watson: Yeah, good. Very good. Ella: You haven't written a word, have you? Watson: You just wrote "Still has trust issues". Ella: And you read my writing upside down. D'you see what I mean? Ella: John, you're a soldier, and it's gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life, and writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you. Watson: Nothing happens to me. Season 1 Episode 1 A Study in Pink Original air date on July 25, 2010 Sir Jeffrey: What d'you mean, there's no ruddy car? Helen: He went to Waterloo. I'm sorry. Get a cab. Sir Jeffrey: I never get cabs. Helen: I love you. Sir Jeffrey: When? Helen: Get a cab! Margaret Patterson: My husband... was a happy man who lived life to the full. He loved his family and his work – and that he should have taken his own life in this way is a mystery and a shock to all who knew him. Jimmy: Yes, yes, taxi, yes! ( Whistles ) Jimmy: I'll be back in two minutes, mate. Gary: What? Jimmy: I'm just going home; get my mum's umbrella. Gary: You can share mine! Jimmy: Two minutes, all right? Aide 1: Is she still dancing? Aide 2: Yeah, if you can call it that. Aide 1: Did you get the car keys off her? Aide 2: Got 'em out of her bag. Aide 1: Where is she? Donovan: The body of Beth Davenport, Junior Minister for Transport, was found late last night on a building site in Greater London. Preliminary investigations suggest that this was su1c1de. We can confirm that this apparent su1c1de closely resembles those of Sir Jeffrey Patterson and James Phillimore. In the light of this, these incidents are now being treated as linked. The investigation is ongoing but Detective Inspector Lestrade will take questions now. Reporter 1: Detective Inspector, how can suicides be linked? Lestrade: Well, they all took the same poison. Um, they were all found in places they had no reason to be. None of them had shown any prior indication of... Reporter 1: But you can't have serial suicides. Lestrade: Well, apparently you can. Reporter 2: these three people: there's nothing that links them? Lestrade: There's no link been found yet, but we're looking for it. There has to be one. ( Mobiles beep ) Donovan: If you've all got texts, please ignore them. Reporter 1: Just says, "Wrong". Donovan: Yeah, well, just ignore that. Okay, if there are no more questions for Detective Inspector Lestrade, I'm going to bring this session to an end. Reporter 2: But if they're suicides, what are you investigating? Lestrade: As I say, these... these suicides are clearly linked. Um, it's an... it's an unusual situation. We've got our best people investigating... ( Mobiles beep ) Reporter 1: Says, "Wrong" again. Donovan: One more question. Reporter 3: Is there any chance that these are mrder, and if they are, is this the work of a serial kller? Lestrade: I... I know that you like writing about these, but these do appear to be suicides. We know the difference. The, um, the poison was clearly self-administered. Reporter 3: Yes, but if they are mrder, how do people keep themselves safe? Lestrade: Well, don't commit su1c1de. Donovan: ( Whispers ) "Daily Mail." Lestrade: Obviously this is a frightening time for people, but all anyone has to do is exercise reasonable precautions. We are all as safe as we want to be. ( Mobiles beep ) Lestrade: Thank you. Donovan: You've got to stop him doing that. He's making us look like idiots. Lestrade: Well, if you can tell me how he does it, I'll stop him. Mike: John! John Watson! Mike: Stamford. Mike Stamford. We were at Bart's together. Watson: Yes, sorry, yes, Mike. Hello, hi. Mike: Yeah, I know. I got fat! Watson: No. Mike: I heard you were abroad somewhere, getting sht at. What happened? Watson: I got sht. Watson: Are you still at Bart's, then? Mike: Teaching now. Bright young things, like we used to be. God, I hate them! Mike: What about you? Just staying in town 'til you get yourself sorted? Watson: I can't afford London on an Army pension. Mike: Ah, and you couldn't bear to be anywhere else. That's not the John Watson I know. Watson: Yeah, I'm not the John Watson... Mike: Couldn't Harry help? Watson: Yeah, like that's gonna happen! Mike: I dunno – get a flatshare or something? Watson: Come on – who'd want me for a flatmate? Watson: What? Mike: Well, you're the second person to say that to me today. Watson: Who was the first? Holmes: How fresh? Molly: Just in. Sixty-seven, natural causes. He used to work here. I knew him. He was nice. Holmes: Fine. We'll start with the riding crop. Molly: So, bad day, was it? Holmes: I need to know what bruises form in the next twenty minutes. A man's alibi depends on it. Text me. Molly: Listen, I was wondering: maybe later, when you're finished... Holmes: Are you wearing lipstick? You weren't wearing lipstick before. Molly: I, er, I refreshed it a bit. Holmes: Sorry, you were saying? Molly: I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee. Holmes: Black, two sugars, please. I'll be upstairs. Molly: ..Okay. ( Knock on door ) Watson: Well, bit different from my day. Mike: You've no idea! Holmes: Mike, can I borrow your phone? There's no signal on mine. Mike: And what's wrong with the landline? Holmes: I prefer to text. Mike: Sorry. It's in my coat. Watson: Er, here. Use mine. Holmes: Oh. Thank you. Mike: It's an old friend of mine, John Watson. Holmes: Afghanistan or Iraq? Watson: Sorry? Holmes: Which was it – Afghanistan or Iraq? Watson: Afghanistan. Sorry, how did you know...? Holmes: Ah, Molly, coffee. Thank you. Holmes: What happened to the lipstick? Molly: It wasn't working for me. Holmes: Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth's too small now. Molly: ..Okay. Holmes: How do you feel about the violin? Watson: I'm sorry, what? Holmes: I play the violin when I'm thinking. Sometimes I don't talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other. Watson: Oh, you... you told him about me? Mike: Not a word. Watson: Then who said anything about flatmates? Holmes: I did. Told Mike this morning that I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is just after lunch with an old friend, clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn't that difficult a leap. Watson: How did you know about Afghanistan? Holmes: Got my eye on a nice little place in central London. Together we ought to be able to afford it. Holmes: We'll meet there tomorrow evening; seven o'clock. Sorry – gotta dash. I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary. Watson: Is that it? Holmes: Is that what? Watson: We've only just met and we're gonna go and look at a flat? Holmes: Problem? Watson: We don't know a thing about each other; I don't know where we're meeting; I don't even know your name. Holmes: I know you're an Army doctor and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you've got a brother who's worried about you but you won't go to him for help because you don't approve of him – possibly because he's an alcoholic; more likely because he recently walked out on his wife. And I know that your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic – quite correctly, I'm afraid. Holmes: That's enough to be going on with, don't you think? Holmes: The name's Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street. Holmes: Afternoon. Mike: Yeah. He's always like that. Holmes: Hello. Holmes: Thank you. Watson: Ah, Mr. Holmes. Holmes: Sherlock, please. Watson: Well, this is a prime spot. Must be expensive. Holmes: Oh, Mrs Hudson, the landlady, she's giving me a special deal. Owes me a favour. A few years back, her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out. Watson: Sorry, you stopped her husband being excuted? Holmes: Oh no. I ensured it. Mrs Hudson: Sherlock, hello. Holmes: Mrs Hudson, Doctor John Watson. Mrs Hudson: Hello. Watson: How do? Mrs Hudson: Come in. Watson: Thank you. Holmes: Shall we? Mrs Hudson: Yeah. Watson: Well, this could be very nice. Very nice indeed. Holmes: Yes. Yes, I think so. My thoughts precisely. Holmes: So I went straight ahead and moved in. Watson: Soon as we get all this rubbish cleaned out... Oh. Watson: So this is all... Holmes: Well, obviously I can, um, straighten things up a bit. Watson: That's a skull. Holmes: Friend of mine. When I say "friend"... Mrs Hudson: What do you think, then, Doctor Watson? There's another bedroom upstairs if you'll be needing two bedrooms. Watson: Of course we'll be needing two. Mrs Hudson: Oh, don't worry, there's all sorts round here. Mrs Turner next door's got married ones. Mrs Hudson: Oh... Sherlock! The mess you've made. Watson: I looked you up on the Internet last night. Holmes: Anything interesting? Watson: Found your website, The Science of Deduction. Holmes: What did you think? Watson: You said you could identify a software designer by his tie and an airline pilot by his left thumb. Holmes: Yes; and I can read your military career in your face and your leg, and your brother's drinking habits in your mobile phone. Watson: How? Mrs Hudson: What about these suicides then, Sherlock? I thought that'd be right up your street. Three exactly the same. Holmes: Four. Holmes: There's been a fourth. And there's something different this time. Mrs Hudson: A fourth? Holmes: Where? Lestrade: Brixton, Lauriston Gardens. Holmes: What's new about this one? You wouldn't have come to get me if there wasn't something different. Lestrade: You know how they never leave notes? Holmes: Yeah. Lestrade: This one did. Will you come? Holmes: Who's on forensics? Lestrade: It's Anderson. Holmes: Anderson won't work with me. Lestrade: Well, he won't be your assistant. Holmes: I need an assistant. Lestrade: Will you come? Holmes: Not in a police car. I'll be right behind. Lestrade: Thank you. Holmes: Brilliant! Yes! Ah, four serial suicides, and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas! Holmes: Mrs Hudson, I'll be late. Might need some food. Mrs Hudson: I'm your landlady, dear, not your housekeeper. Holmes: Something cold will do. John, have a cup of tea, make yourself at home. Don't wait up! Mrs Hudson: Look at him, dashing about! My husband was just the same. Mrs Hudson: But you're more the sitting-down type, I can tell. Mrs Hudson: I'll make you that cuppa. You rest your leg. Watson: Damn my leg! Watson: Sorry, I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this bloody thing... Mrs Hudson: I understand, dear; I've got a hip. Watson: Cup of tea'd be lovely, thank you. Mrs Hudson: Just this once, dear. I'm not your housekeeper. Watson: Couple of biscuits too, if you've got 'em. Mrs Hudson: Not your housekeeper! Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact you're an Army doctor. Watson: Yes. Holmes: Any good? Watson: Very good. Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries, then; violent deaths. Watson: Mmm, yes. Holmes: Bit of trouble too, I bet. Watson: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much. Holmes: Wanna see some more? Watson: Oh God, yes. Watson: Sorry, Mrs Hudson, I'll skip the tea. Off out. Mrs Hudson: Both of you? Holmes: Impossible suicides? Four of them? There's no point sitting at home when there's finally something fun going on! Mrs Hudson: Look at you, all happy. It's not decent. Holmes: Who cares about decent? The game, Mrs Hudson, is on! Holmes: Taxi! Holmes: Okay, you've got questions. Watson: Yeah, where are we going? Holmes: Crime scene. Next? Watson: Who are you? What do you do? Holmes: What do you think? Watson: I'd say private detective... Holmes: But? Watson: ..but the police don't go to private detectives. Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. Only one in the world. I invented the job. Watson: What does that mean? Holmes: It means when the police are out of their depth, which is always, they consult me. Watson: The police don't consult amateurs. Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said, "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised. Watson: Yes, how did you know? Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself says military. But your conversation as you entered the room... Watson: Bit different from my day. Holmes: ..said trained at Bart's, so Army doctor – obvious. Your face is tanned but no tan above the wrists. You've been abroad, but not sunbathing. Your limp's really bad when you walk but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That says the original circumstances of the injury were traumatic. Wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan – Afghanistan or Iraq. Watson: You said I had a therapist. Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp – of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Watson: Hmm? Holmes: Your phone. It's expensive, e-mail enabled, MP3 player, but you're looking for a flatshare – you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Holmes: Scratches. Not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. Next bit's easy. You know it already. Watson: The engraving. Holmes: Harry Watson. Clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father, this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a wr hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara. Who's Clara? Three kisses says it's a romantic attachment. The expense of the phone says wife, not girlfriend. She must have given it to him recently, this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble then – six months on he's just given it away. If she'd left him, he would have kept it. People do. Sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it. He left her. He gave the phone to you: that says he wants you to stay in touch. You're looking for cheap accommodation, but you're not going to your brother for help. That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife; maybe you don't like his drinking. Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking? Holmes: sht in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection: tiny little scuff marks around the edge of it. Every night he goes to plug it in to charge but his hands are shaking. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone. Never see a drunk's without them. Holmes: There you go, you see, you were right. Watson: I was right? Right about what? Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs. Watson: That... was amazing. Holmes: Do you think so? Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary; it was quite extraordinary. Holmes: That's not what people normally say. Watson: What do people normally say? Holmes: Piss off! Holmes: Did I get anything wrong? Watson: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce; and Harry is a drinker. Holmes: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything. Watson: And Harry's short for Harriet. Holmes: Harry's your sister. Watson: Look, what exactly am I supposed to be doing here? Holmes: Sister! Watson: No, seriously, what am I doing here? Holmes: There's always something. Donovan: Hello, freak. Holmes: I'm here to see Detective Inspector Lestrade. Donovan: Why? Holmes: I was invited. Donovan: Why? Holmes: I think he wants me to take a look. Donovan: Well, you know what I think, don't you? Holmes: Always, Sally. I even know you didn't make it home last night. Donovan: I don't... Er, who's this? Holmes: Colleague of mine, Doctor Watson. Holmes: Doctor Watson, Sergeant Sally Donovan. Old friend. Donovan: A colleague? How do you get a colleague?! Donovan: What, did he follow you home? Watson: Would it be better if I just waited and... Holmes: No. Donovan: Freak's here. Bringing him in. Holmes: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again. Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated. Are we clear on that? Holmes: Quite clear. And is your wife away for long? Anderson: Oh, don't pretend you worked that out. Somebody told you that. Holmes: Your deodorant told me that. Anderson: My deodorant? Holmes: It's for men. Anderson: Well, of course it's for men! I'm wearing it! Holmes: So's Sergeant Donovan. ( Holmes sniffs ) Holmes: Ooh... and I think it just vaporised. May I go in? Anderson: Now look: whatever you're trying to imply... Holmes: I'm not implying anything. Holmes: I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. Holmes: And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees. Holmes: You need to wear one of these. Lestrade: Who's this? Holmes: He's with me. Lestrade: But who is he? Holmes: I said he's with me. Watson: Aren't you gonna put one on? Holmes: So where are we? Lestrade: Upstairs. Lestrade: I can give you two minutes. Holmes: May need longer. Lestrade: Her name's Jennifer Wilson according to her credit cards. We're running them now for contact details. Hasn't been here long. Some kids found her. Holmes: Shut up. Lestrade: I didn't say anything. Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying. Lestrade: Got anything? Holmes: Not much. Anderson: She's German. Rache, it's German for revenge. She could be trying to tell us something... Holmes: Yes, thank you for your input. Lestrade: So she's German? Holmes: Of course she's not. She's from out of town, though. Intended to stay in London for one night... before returning home to Cardiff. Holmes: So far, so obvious. Watson: Sorry – obvious? Lestrade: What about the message, though? Holmes: Doctor Watson, what do you think? Watson: Of the message? Holmes: Of the body. You're a medical man. Lestrade: Wait, no, we have a whole team right outside. Holmes: They won't work with me. Lestrade: I'm breaking every rule letting you in here. Holmes: Yes... because you need me. Lestrade: Yes, I do. God help me. Holmes: Doctor Watson. Watson: Hm? Lestrade: Oh, do as he says. Help yourself. Lestrade: Anderson, keep everyone out for a couple of minutes. Holmes: Well? Watson: What am I doing here? Holmes: Helping me make a point. Watson: I'm supposed to be helping you pay the rent. Holmes: Yeah, well, this is more fun. Watson: Fun? There's a woman lying dad. Holmes: Perfectly sound analysis, but I was hoping you'd go deeper. Watson: Yeah... Asphyxiation, probably. Passed out, choked on her own vomit. Can't smell any alcohol on her. It could have been a seizure; possibly drugs. Holmes: You know what it was. You've read the papers. Watson: What, she's one of the suicides? The fourth...? Lestrade: Sherlock. two minutes, I said. I need anything you've got. Holmes: Victim is in her late thirties. Professional person, going by her clothes; I'm guessing something in the media, going by the frankly alarming shade of pink. Travelled from Cardiff today, intending to stay in London for one night. It's obvious from the size of her suitcase. Lestrade: Suitcase? Holmes: Suitcase, yes. She's been married at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers but none of them knew she was married. Lestrade: Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up... Holmes: Her wedding ring. Ten years old at least. The rest of her jewellery has been regularly cleaned, but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside – that means it's regularly removed. The only polishing it gets is when she works it off her finger. It's not for work, look at her nails. She doesn't work with her hands, so what or rather who does she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover; she'd never sustain the fiction of being single over that amount of time, so more likely a string of them. Simple. Watson: That's brilliant. Watson: Sorry. Lestrade: Cardiff? Holmes: It's obvious, isn't it? Watson: It's not obvious to me. Holmes: Dear God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring. Holmes: Her coat - it's slightly damp. She's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp, too. She's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket but it's dry and unused. Not just wind, strong wind – too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance but she can't have travelled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff. Watson: That's fantastic! Holmes: D'you know you do that out loud? Watson: Sorry. I'll shut up. Holmes: No, it's... fine. Lestrade: Why d'you keep saying suitcase? Holmes: Yes, where is it? She must have had a phone or an organiser. Find out who Rachel is. Lestrade: She was writing 'Rachel'? Holmes: No, she was leaving an angry note in German! Of course she was writing Rachel; no other word it can be. Question is: why did she wait until she was dying to write it? Lestrade: How d'you know she had a suitcase? Holmes: Back of the right leg: tiny splash marks on the heel and calf, not present on the left. She was dragging a wheeled suitcase behind her with her right hand. Don't get that splash pattern any other way. Smallish case, going by the spread. Case that size, woman this clothes-conscious - could only be an overnight bag, so we know she was staying one night. Holmes: Now, where is it? What have you done with it? Lestrade: There wasn't a case. Holmes: Say that again. Lestrade: There wasn't a case. There was never any suitcase. Holmes: Suitcase! Did anyone find a suitcase? Was there a suitcase in this house? Lestrade: Sherlock, there was no case! Holmes: But they take the poison themselves; they chew, swallow the pills themselves. There are clear signs, even you lot couldn't miss them. Lestrade: Right, yeah, thanks! And...? Holmes: It's mrder, all of them. I don't know how, but they're not suicides, they're killings – serial killings. Holmes: We've got ourselves a serial kller. I love those. There's always something to look forward to. Lestrade: Why are you saying that? Holmes: Her case! Come on, where is her case? Did she eat it?! Someone else was here, and they took her case. So the kller must have driven her here; forgot the case was in the car. Watson: She could have checked into a hotel, left her case there. Holmes: No, she never got to the hotel. Look at her hair. She colour-coordinates her lipstick and her shoes. She'd never have left any hotel with her hair still looking... Holmes: Oh. Holmes: Oh! Watson: Sherlock? Lestrade: What is it, what? Holmes: Serial Kllers are always hard. You have to wait for them to make a mistake. Lestrade: We can't just wait! Holmes: Oh, we're done waiting! Holmes: Look at her, really look! Houston, we have a mistake. Get on to Cardiff: find out who Jennifer Wilson's family and friends were. Find Rachel! Lestrade: Of course, yeah – but what mistake?! Holmes: PINK! Anderson: Let's get on with it. Donovan: He's gone. Watson: Who, Sherlock Holmes? Donovan: Yeah, he just took off. He does that. Watson: Is he coming back? Donovan: Didn't look like it. Watson: Right. Watson: Right... Yes. Watson: Sorry, where am I? Donovan: Brixton. Watson: Right. Er, d'you know where I could get a cab? It's just, er... well... my leg. Donovan: Er... try the main road. Watson: Thanks. Donovan: But you're not his friend. Donovan: He doesn't have friends. So who are you? Watson: I'm... I'm nobody. I just met him. Donovan: Okay, bit of advice then: stay away from that guy. Watson: Why? Donovan: You know why he's here? He's not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime, the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won't be enough. One day we'll be standing round a body and Sherlock Holmes'll be the one that put it there. Watson: Why would he do that? Donovan: Because he's a psychopath. And psychopaths get bored. Lestrade: Donovan! Donovan: Coming. Donovan: Stay away from Sherlock Holmes. ( Phone rings ) ( Phone stops ringing ) Watson: Taxi! Taxi... ( Phone rings ) ( Phone rings off abruptly ) ( Phone rings ) ( Phone keeps ringing ) Watson: Hello? Man's voice: There is a security camera on the building to your left. Do you see it? Watson: Who's this? Who's speaking? Man's voice: Do you see the camera, Doctor Watson? Watson: Yeah, I see it. Man's voice: Watch. Man's voice: There is another camera on the building opposite you. Do you see it? Watson: Mmm-hmm. Man's voice: And finally, at the top of the building on your right. ( Camera whirrs ) Watson: How are you doing this? Man's voice: Get into the car, Doctor Watson. Man's voice: I would make some sort of thrat, but I'm sure your situation is quite clear to you. Watson: Hello. Woman: Hi. Watson: What's your name, then? Woman: Er... Anthea. Watson: Is that your real name? Woman: No. Watson: I'm John. Not-Anthea: Yes. I know. Watson: Any point in asking where I'm going? Not-Anthea: None at all... Not-Anthea: ..John. Watson: Okay. Man: Have a seat, John. Watson: You know, I've got a phone. Watson: I mean, very clever and all that, but er... you could just phone me. On my phone. Man: When one is avoiding the attention of Sherlock Holmes, one learns to be discreet, hence this place. Man: The leg must be hurting you. Sit down. Watson: I don't wanna sit down. Man: You don't seem very afraid. Watson: You don't seem very frightening. Man: ( Chuckles ) Ah, yes. The bravery of the soldier. Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity, don't you think? Man: What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes? Watson: I don't have one. I barely know him. I met him... Watson: ..yesterday. Man: Mmm, and since yesterday you've moved in with him and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week? Watson: Who are you? Man: An interested party. Watson: Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends. Man: You've met him. How many 'friends' do you imagine he has? I am the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having. Watson: And what's that? Man: An enemy. Watson: An enemy? Man: In his mind, certainly. If you were to ask him, he'd probably say his arch-enemy. He does love to be dramatic. Watson: Well, thank God you're above all that! ( Text message alert ) Man: I hope I'm not distracting you. Watson: Not distracting me at all. Man: Do you plan to continue your association with Sherlock Holmes? Watson: I could be wrong... but I think that's none of your business. Man: It could be. Watson: It really couldn't. Man: If you do move into, um... two hundred and twenty-one B Baker Street, I'd be happy to pay you a meaningful sum of money on a regular basis to ease your way. Watson: Why? Man: Because you're not a wealthy man. Watson: In exchange for what? Man: Information. Nothing indiscreet. Nothing you'd feel... uncomfortable with. Just tell me what he's up to. Watson: Why? Man: I worry about him. Constantly. Watson: That's nice of you. Man: But I would prefer for various reasons that my concern go unmentioned. We have what you might call a... difficult relationship. ( Text message alert ) Watson: No. Man: But I haven't mentioned a figure. Watson: Don't bother. Man: You're very loyal, very quickly. Watson: No, I'm not. I'm just not interested. Man: "Trust issues," it says here. Watson: What's that? Man: Could it be that you've decided to trust Sherlock Holmes of all people? Watson: Who says I trust him? Man: You don't seem the kind to make friends easily. Watson: Are we done? Man: You tell me. Man: I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him, but I can see from your left hand that's not going to happen. Watson: My what? Man: Show me. Watson: Don't... Man: Remarkable. Watson: What is? Man: Most people blunder round this city, and all they see are streets and shops and cars. When you walk with Sherlock Holmes, you see the bttlefield. You've seen it already, haven't you? Watson: What's wrong with my hand? Man: You have an intermittent tremor in your left hand. Man: Your therapist thinks it's post-traumatic stress disorder. She thinks you're haunted by memories of your military service. Watson: Who the hell are you? How do you know that? Man: fre her. She's got it the wrong way round. You're under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. Man: You're not haunted by the wr, Doctor Watson... you miss it. Man: Welcome back. ( Text message alert ) Man: Time to choose a side, Doctor Watson. Not-Anthea: I'm to take you home. Not-Anthea: Address? Watson: Er, Baker Street. Two two one B Baker Street. But I need to stop off somewhere first. Watson: Listen, your boss – any chance you could not tell him this is where I went? Not-Anthea: Sure. Watson: You've told him already, haven't you? Not-Anthea: Yeah. Watson: Hey, um... do you ever get any free time? Not-Anthea: ( Chuckles ) Oh, yeah. Lots. Not-Anthea: Bye. Watson: Okay. Watson: ( Exhales slowly ) What are you doing? Holmes: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Holmes: Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brain work. Watson: It's good news for breathing. Holmes: Oh, breathing. Breathing's boring. Watson: Is that three patches? Holmes: It's a three-patch problem. Watson: Well...? Watson: You asked me to come. I'm assuming it's important. Holmes: Oh, yeah, of course. Can I borrow your phone? Watson: My phone? Holmes: Don't wanna use mine. Always a chance that the number will be recognised. It's on the website. Watson: Mrs Hudson's got a phone. Holmes: Yeah, she's downstairs. I tried shouting but she didn't hear. Watson: I was the other side of London. Holmes: There was no hurry. Watson: Here. Watson: So what's this about – the case? Holmes: Her case. Watson: Her case? Holmes: Her suitcase, yes, obviously. The mrder took her suitcase. First big mistake. Watson: Okay, he took her case. So? Holmes: It's no use, there's no other way. We'll have to risk it. Holmes: On my desk there's a number. I want you to send a text. Watson: You brought me here... to send a text. Holmes: Text, yes. The number on my desk. Holmes: What's wrong? Watson: Just met a friend of yours. Holmes: A friend? Watson: An enemy. Holmes: Oh. Which one? Watson: Your arch-enemy, according to him. Do people have arch-enemies? Holmes: Did he offer you money to spy on me? Watson: Yes. Holmes: Did you take it? Watson: No. Holmes: Pity. We could have split the fee. Think it through next time. Watson: Who is he? Holmes: The most dangerous man you've ever met, and not my problem right now. On my desk, the number. Watson: Jennifer Wilson. That was... Hang on. Wasn't that the dad woman? Holmes: Yes. That's not important. Just enter the number. Holmes: Are you doing it? Watson: Yes. Holmes: Have you done it? Watson: Ye... hang on! Holmes: These words exactly: "What happened at Lauriston Gardens? I must have blacked out." Holmes: "Twenty-two Northumberland Street. Please come." Watson: You blacked out? Holmes: What? No... No! Holmes: Type and send it. Quickly. Holmes: Have you sent it? Watson: What's the address? Holmes: Twenty-two Northumberland Street. Hurry up! Watson: That's... That's the pink lady's case. That's Jennifer Wilson's case. Holmes: Yes, obviously. Holmes: Oh, perhaps I should mention: I didn't kll her. Watson: I never said you did. Holmes: Why not? Given the text I just had you send and the fact I that have her case, it's a perfectly logical assumption. Watson: Do people usually assume you're the mrder? Holmes: Now and then, yes. Watson: Okay... Watson: How did you get this? Holmes: By looking. Watson: Where? Holmes: The kller must have driven her to Lauriston Gardens. He could only keep her case by accident if it was in the car. Nobody could be seen with this case without drawing attention – particularly a man, which is statistically more likely. So obviously he'd feel compelled to get rid of it the moment he noticed he still had it. Wouldn't have taken him more than five minutes to realise his mistake. I checked every back street wide enough for a car five minutes from Lauriston Gardens... Holmes: ..and anywhere you could dispose of a bulky object without being observed. Holmes: Took me less than an hour to find the right skip. Watson: Pink. You got all that because you realised the case would be pink? Holmes: Well, it had to be pink, obviously. Watson: Why didn't I think of that? Holmes: Because you're an idiot. Holmes: No, no, no, don't look like that. Practically everyone is. Holmes: Now, look. Do you see what's missing? Watson: From the case? How could I? Holmes: Her phone. Where's her mobile phone? There was no phone on the body, there's no phone in the case. We know she had one – that's her number there; you just texted it. Watson: Maybe she left it at home. Holmes: She has a string of lovers and she's careful about it. She never leaves her phone at home. Watson: Er... Watson: Why did I just send that text? Holmes: Well, the question is: where is her phone now? Watson: She could have lost it. Holmes: Yes, or...? Watson: The mrder... You think the mrder has the phone? Holmes: Maybe she... left it when she left her case. Maybe he took it from her for some reason. Either way, the balance of probability is the mrder has her phone. Watson: Sorry... what are we doing? Did I just text a mrder?! What good will that do? Holmes: A few hours after his last victim, and now he receives a text that can only be from her. If somebody had just found that phone they'd ignore a text like that, but the mrder... Holmes: ..would panic. Watson: Have you talked to the police? Holmes: Four people are dad. There isn't time to talk to the police. Watson: So why are you talking to me? Holmes: Mrs Hudson took my skull. Watson: So I'm basically filling in for your skull? Holmes: Relax, you're doing fine. Holmes: Well? Watson: Well what? Holmes: Well, you could just sit there and watch telly. Watson: What, you want me to come with you? Holmes: I like company when I go out, and I think better when I talk aloud. The skull just attracts attention, so... Holmes: Problem? Watson: Yeah, Sergeant Donovan. Holmes: What about her? Watson: She said... You get off on this. You enjoy it. Holmes: And I said "dangerous", and here you are. Watson: Damn it! Not long afterwards, John catches up to Sherlock in the street and they continue down the road. Watson: Where are we going? Holmes: Northumberland Street's a five-minute walk from here. Watson: You think he's stupid enough to go there? Holmes: No, I think he's brilliant enough. I love the brilliant ones. They're always so desperate to get caught. Watson: Why? Holmes: Appreciation! Applause! At long last the spotlight. That's the frailty of genius, John, it needs an audience. Watson: Yeah. Holmes: This is his hunting ground, right here in the heart of the city. Now that we know his victims were abducted, that changes everything. Because all of his victims disappeared from busy streets, crowded places, but nobody saw them go. Holmes: Think! Who do we trust, even though we don't know them? Who passes unnoticed wherever they go? Who hunts in the middle of a crowd? Watson: Dunno. Who? Holmes: Haven't the faintest. Hungry? Holmes: Thank you, Billy. Holmes: Twenty-two Northumberland Street. Keep your eyes on it. Watson: He isn't just gonna ring the doorbell, though, is he? He'd need to be mad. Holmes: He has klled four people. Watson: ..Okay. Angelo: Sherlock! Angelo: Anything on the menu, whatever you want, free. Angelo: On the house, for you and for your date. Holmes: Do you want to eat? Watson: I'm not his date. Angelo: This man got me off a mrder charge. Holmes: This is Angelo. Holmes: Three years ago I successfully proved to Lestrade at the time of a particularly vicious triple mrder that Angelo was in a completely different part of town, house-breaking. Angelo: He cleared my name. Holmes: I cleared it a bit. Anything happening opposite? Angelo: Nothing. But for this man, I'd have gone to prison. Holmes: You did go to prison. Angelo: I'll get a candle for the table. It's more romantic. Watson: I'm not his date! Holmes: You may as well eat. We might have a long wait. Watson: Thanks! Watson: People don't have arch-enemies. Holmes: I'm sorry? Watson: In real life. There are no arch-enemies in real life. Doesn't happen. Holmes: Doesn't it? Sounds a bit dull. Watson: So who did I meet? Holmes: What do real people have, then, in their "real lives"? Watson: Friends? People they know, people they like, people they don't like... Girlfriends, boyfriends... Holmes: Yes, well, as I was saying, dull. Watson: You don't have a girlfriend, then? Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area. Watson: Mm. Watson: Oh, right. D'you have a boyfriend? Watson: Which is fine, by the way. Holmes: I know it's fine. Watson: So you've got a boyfriend then? Holmes: No. Watson: Right. Okay. You're unattached. Like me. Fine. Good. Holmes: John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest, I'm really not looking for any... Watson: No. No, I'm not asking. No. Watson: I'm just saying, it's all fine. Holmes: Good. Thank you. Holmes: Look across the street. Taxi. Holmes: Stopped. Nobody getting in, and nobody getting out. Holmes: Why a taxi? Oh, that's clever. Is it clever? Why is it clever? Watson: That's him? Holmes: Don't stare. Watson: You're staring. Holmes: We can't both stare. ( Car horn ) Watson: Sorry. Watson: I've got the cab number. Holmes: Good for you. Holmes: Right turn, one way, roadworks, traffic lights, bus lane, pedestrian crossing, left turn only, traffic lights. Man: Oy! Watson: Sorry. ( Tyres squeal ) Holmes: Come on, John... Holmes: Come on, John. We're losing him! Holmes: Ah, no! Holmes: This way. Holmes: No, this way! Watson: Sorry... Holmes: Police! Open her up! Holmes: ( Panting ) No. Holmes: Teeth, tan. What, Californian? Holmes: L.A., Santa Monica. Just arrived. Watson: How can you possibly know that? Holmes: The luggage. Holmes: It's probably your first trip to London, right, going by your final destination and the route the cabbie was taking you? Passenger: Sorry, are you guys the police? Holmes: Yeah. Everything all right? Passenger: Yeah. Holmes: Welcome to London. Watson: Er, any problems, just let us know. Watson: Basically just a cab that happened to slow down. Holmes: Basically. Watson: Not the mrder. Holmes: Not the mrder, no. Watson: Wrong country, good alibi. Holmes: As they go. Watson: Hey, where-where did you get this? Here. Watson: Right. Detective Inspector Lestrade? Holmes: Yeah. I pickpocket him when he's annoying. You can keep that one, I've got plenty at the flat. Holmes: What? Watson: Nothing, just... "Welcome to London". ( Sniggers ) Holmes: Got your breath back? Watson: Ready when you are. 221B. Watson: Okay, that was ridiculous. Watson: That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. Holmes: And you invde Afghanistan. ( They laugh ) Watson: That wasn't just me. Watson: Why aren't we back at the restaurant? Holmes: Oh, they can keep an eye out. It was a long sht anyway. Watson: So what were we doing there? Holmes: Oh, just passing the time. Holmes: And proving a point. Watson: What point? Holmes: You. Holmes: Mrs Hudson! Doctor Watson will take the room upstairs. Watson: Says who? Holmes: Says the man at the door. ( Knocking ) Angelo: Sherlock texted me. Angelo: He said you forgot this. Watson: Ah... Watson: Er, thank you. Thank you. Mrs Hudson: Sherlock, what have you done? Holmes: Mrs Hudson? Mrs Hudson: Upstairs. Holmes: What are you doing? Lestrade: Well, I knew you'd find the case. I'm not stupid. Holmes: You can't just break into my flat. Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't break into your flat. Holmes: Well, what do you call this then? Lestrade: It's a drugs bust. Watson: Seriously?! This guy - a junkie? Have you met him? Holmes: John... Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day, you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational. Holmes: John, you probably want to shut up now. Watson: Yeah, but come on... Watson: No... Holmes: What? Watson: You? Holmes: Shut up! Holmes: I'm not your sniffer dog. Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog. Holmes: What, An... Holmes: Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust? Anderson: Oh, I volunteered. Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drugs squad, but they're very keen. Donovan: Are these human eyes? Holmes: Put those back! Donovan: They were in the microwave! Holmes: It's an experiment. Lestrade: Keep looking, guys. Lestrade: Or you could help us properly and I'll stand them down. Holmes: This is childish. Lestrade: Well, I'm dealing with a child. Sherlock, this is our case. I'm letting you in, but you do not go off on your own. Clear? Holmes: Oh, what, so-so-so you set up a pretend drugs bust to bully me? Lestrade: It stops being pretend if they find anything. Holmes: I am clean! Lestrade: Is your flat? All of it? Holmes: I don't even smoke. Lestrade: Neither do I. Lestrade: So let's work together. We've found Rachel. Holmes: Who is she? Lestrade: Jennifer Wilson's only daughter. Holmes: Her daughter? Why would she write her daughter's name? Why? Anderson: Never mind that. We found the case. Anderson: According to someone, the mrder has the case, and we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath. Holmes: I'm not a psychopath, Anderson. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research. Holmes: You need to bring Rachel in. You need to question her. I need to question her. Lestrade: She's dad. Holmes: Excellent! Holmes: How, when and why? Is there a connection? There has to be. Lestrade: Well, I doubt it, since she's been dad for fourteen years. Technically she was never alive. Rachel was Jennifer Wilson's stillborn daughter, fourteen years ago. Holmes: No, that's... that's not right. How... Why would she do that? Why? Anderson: Why would she think of her daughter in her last moments?! Yup – sociopath, I'm seeing it now. Holmes: She didn't think about her daughter. She scratched her name on the floor with her fingernails. She was dying. It took effort. It would have hurt. Watson: You said that the victims all took the poison themselves, that he makes them take it. Well, maybe he... I don't know, talks to them? Maybe he used the death of her daughter somehow. Holmes: Yeah, but that was ages ago. Why would she still be upset? Holmes: Not good? Watson: Bit not good, yeah. Holmes: Yeah, but if you were dying... if you'd been mrder: in your very last few seconds what would you say? Watson: "Please, God, let me live." Holmes: Oh, use your imagination! Watson: I don't have to. Holmes: Yeah, but if you were clever, really clever. Jennifer Wilson running all those lovers - she was clever. Holmes: She's trying to tell us something. Mrs Hudson: Isn't the doorbell working? Your taxi's here, Sherlock. Holmes: I didn't order a taxi. Go away. Mrs Hudson: Oh, dear. They're making such a mess. What are they looking for? Watson: It's a drugs bust, Mrs Hudson. Mrs Hudson: But they're just for my hip. They're herbal soothers. Holmes: Shut up, everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe. I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way. You're putting me off. Anderson: What? My face is?! Lestrade: Everybody quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back. Anderson: Oh, for God's sake! Lestrade: Your back, now, please! Holmes: Come on, think. Quick! Mrs Hudson: What about your taxi? Holmes: ( Shouting ) Mrs Hudson! Holmes: Oh... Holmes: Ah! She was clever, clever, yes! Holmes: She's cleverer than you lot and she's dad. Do you see, do you get it? She didn't lose her phone, she never lost it. She planted it on him. Holmes: When she got out of the car, she knew that she was going to her death. She left the phone in order to lead us to her kller. Lestrade: But how? Holmes: Wha...? What do you mean, how? Holmes: Rachel! Holmes: Don't you see? Rachel! Holmes: Oh, look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing. Rachel is not a name. Watson: Then what is it? Holmes: John, on the luggage, there's a label. E-mail address. Watson: Er, jennie dot pink at mephone dot org dot uk. Holmes: Oh, I've been too slow. She didn't have a laptop, which means she did her business on her phone, so it's a smartphone, it's e-mail enabled. Holmes: So there was a website for her account. The username is her e-mail address... Holmes: ..and all together now, the password is? Watson: Rachel. Anderson: So we can read her e-mails. So what? Holmes: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the I.Q. of the whole street. We can do much more than just read her e-mails. It's a smartphone, it's got GPS, which means if you lose it you can locate it online. She's leading us directly to the man who klled her. Lestrade: Unless he got rid of it. Watson: We know he didn't. Holmes: Come on, come on. Quickly! Mrs Hudson: Sherlock, dear. This taxi driver... Holmes: Mrs Hudson, isn't it time for your evening soother? Holmes: We need to get vehicles, get a helicopter. Holmes: We're gonna have to move fast. This phone battery won't last for ever. Lestrade: We'll just have a map reference, not a name. Holmes: It's a start! Watson: Sherlock... Holmes: It narrows it down from just anyone in London. It's the first proper lead that we've had. Watson: Sherlock... Holmes: What is it? Quickly, where? Watson: It's here. It's in two two one Baker Street. Holmes: How can it be here? How? Lestrade: Well, maybe it was in the case when you brought it back and it fell out somewhere. Holmes: What, and I didn't notice it? Me? I didn't notice? Watson: Anyway, we texted him and he called back. Lestrade: Guys, we're also looking for a mobile somewhere here, belonged to the victim... Holmes: Who do we trust, even if we don't know them? Holmes: Who passes unnoticed wherever they go? Holmes: Who hunts in the middle of a crowd? ( Text message alert ) Watson: Sherlock, you okay? Holmes: What? Yeah, yeah... I-I'm fine. Watson: So, how can the phone be here? Holmes: Dunno. Watson: I'll try it again. Holmes: Good idea. Watson: Where are you going? Holmes: Fresh air. Just popping outside for a moment. Won't be long. Watson: You sure you're all right? Holmes: I'm fine. Jeff: Taxi for Sherlock 'olmes. Holmes: I didn't order a taxi. Jeff: Doesn't mean you don't need one. Holmes: You're the cabbie. The one who stopped outside Northumberland Street. Holmes: It was you, not your passenger. Jeff: See? No-one ever thinks about the cabbie. It's like you're invisible. Just the back of an 'ead. Proper advantage for a serial kller. Holmes: Is this a confession? Jeff: Oh, yeah. An' I'll tell you what else: if you call the coppers now, I won't run. I'll sit quiet and they can take me down, I promise. Holmes: Why? Jeff: 'Cause you're not gonna do that. Holmes: Am I not? Jeff: I didn't kll those four people, Mr. 'olmes. I spoke to 'em... and they klled themselves. An' if you get the coppers now, I promise you one thing. Jeff: I will never tell you what I said. Holmes: No-one else will die, though, and I believe they call that a result. Jeff: An' you won't ever understand how those people died. What kind of result do you care about? Holmes: If I wanted to understand, what would I do? Jeff: Let me take you for a ride. Holmes: So you can kll me too? Jeff: I don't wanna kll you, Mr. 'olmes. I'm gonna talk to yer... and then you're gonna kll yourself. ( Door opens and closes ) ( Engine starts ) Watson: He just got in a cab. Watson: It's Sherlock. He just drove off in a cab. Donovan: I told you, he does that. Donovan: He bloody left again. Donovan: We're wasting our time! Watson: I'm calling the phone. It's ringing out. ( Phone rings ) ( Phone keeps ringing ) Lestrade: If it's ringing, it's not here. Watson: I'll try the search again. Donovan: Does it matter? Does any of it? You know, he's just a lunatic, and he'll always let you down, and you're wasting your time. All our time. Lestrade: Okay, everybody. Done 'ere. Holmes: How did you find me? Jeff: Oh, I recognised yer, soon as I saw you chasing my cab. Sherlock 'olmes! I was warned about you. I've been on your website, too. Brilliant stuff! Loved it! Holmes: Who warned you about me? Jeff: Just someone out there who's noticed you. Holmes: Who? Holmes: Who would notice me? Jeff: You're too modest, Mr. 'olmes. Holmes: I'm really not. Jeff: You've got yourself a fan. Holmes: Tell me more. Jeff: That's all you're gonna know... Jeff: ..in this lifetime. Lestrade: Why did he do that? Why did he have to leave? Watson: You know him better than I do. Lestrade: I've known him for five years and no, I don't. Watson: So why do you put up with him? Lestrade: Because I'm desperate, that's why. Lestrade: And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man. And I think one day, if we're very, very lucky, he might even be a good one. Holmes: Where are we? Jeff: You know every street in London. You know exactly where we are. Holmes: Roland-Kerr Further Education College. Why here? Jeff: It's open. Cleaners are in. One thing about being a cabbie - you always know a nice quiet spot for a mrder. I'm surprised more of us don't branch out. Holmes: And you just walk your victims in? How? Holmes: Oh... dull. Jeff: Don't worry. It gets better. Holmes: You can't make people take their own lives at gn. Jeff: I don't. It's much better than that. Jeff: Don't need this with you, 'cause you'll follow me. ( Beep ) ( Continuous beeping ) Jeff: Well, what do you think? Jeff: It's up to you. You're the one who's gonna die 'ere. Holmes: No, I'm not. Jeff: That's what they all say. Jeff: Shall we talk? Holmes: Bit risky, wasn't it? Took me away under the eye of about half a dozen policemen. They're not that stupid. And Mrs Hudson will remember you. Jeff: You call that a risk? Nah... Jeff: This... is a risk. Jeff: Ooh, I like this bit. 'Cause you don't get it yet, do yer? But you're about to. I just have to do this. Jeff: You weren't expecting that, were yer? Jeff: Ooh, you're going to love this. Holmes: Love what? Jeff: Sherlock 'olmes. Look at you! 'Ere in the flesh. That website of yours: your fan told me about it. Holmes: My fan? Jeff: You are brilliant. You are. A proper genius. "The Science of Deduction." Now that is proper thinking. Between you and me sitting 'ere, why can't people think? Jeff: Don't it make you mad? Why can't people just think? Holmes: Oh, I see. So you're a proper genius too. Jeff: Don't look it, do I? Funny little man drivin' a cab. But you'll know better in a minute. Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever know. Holmes: Okay, two bottles. Explain. Jeff: There's a good bottle and a bad bottle. You take the pill from the good bottle, you live; take the pill from the bad bottle, you die. Holmes: Both bottles are of course identical. Jeff: In every way. Holmes: And you know which is which. Jeff: Course I know. Holmes: But I don't. Jeff: Wouldn't be a game if you knew. You're the one who chooses. Holmes: Why should I? I've got nothing to go on. What's in it for me? Jeff: I 'aven't told you the best bit yet. Whatever bottle you choose, I take the pill from the other one, and then, together, we take our medicine. Jeff: I won't cheat. It's your choice. I'll take whatever pill you don't. Jeff: Didn't expect that, did you, Mr. 'olmes? Holmes: This is what you did to the rest of them: you gave them a choice. Jeff: And now I'm givin' you one. Jeff: You take your time. Get yourself together. Jeff: I want your best game. Holmes: It's not a game. It's chance. Jeff: I've played four times. I'm alive. It's not chance, Mr. 'olmes, it's chess. It's a game of chess, with one move, and one survivor. And this... this... is the move. Jeff: Did I just give you the good bottle or the bad bottle? You can choose either one. Watson: No, Detective Inspector Lestrade. I need to speak to him. It's important. It's an emergency! Watson: Er, left here, please. Left here. Jeff: You ready yet, Mr. 'olmes? Ready to play? Holmes: Play what? It's a fifty-fifty chance. Jeff: You're not playin' the numbers, you're playin' me. Did I just give you the good pill or the bad pill? Is it a bluff? Or a double-bluff? Or a triple-bluff? Holmes: Still just chance. Jeff: Four people in a row? It's not just chance. Holmes: Luck. Jeff: It's genius. I know 'ow people think. Jeff: I know 'ow people think I think. I can see it all, like a map inside my 'ead. Jeff: Everyone's so stupid – even you. Jeff: Or maybe God just loves me. Holmes: Either way, you're wasted as a cabbie. Holmes: So... you risked your life four times just to kll strangers. Why? Jeff: Time to play. Holmes: Oh, I am playing. This is my turn. There's shaving foam behind your left ear. Nobody's pointed it out to you. Holmes: Traces of where it's happened before, so obviously you live on your own; there's no-one to tell you. Holmes: But there's a photograph of children. The children's mother has been cut out of the picture. If she'd died, she'd still be there. Holmes: The photograph's old but the frame's new. You think of your children but you don't get to see them. Holmes: Estranged father. She took the kids, but you still love them and it still hurts. Holmes: Ah, but there's more. Holmes: Your clothes: recently laundered but everything you're wearing's at least... three years old? Keeping up appearances but not planning ahead. And here you are on a kamikaze mrder spree. What's that about? Holmes: Ah... Three years ago. Is that when they told you? Jeff: Told me what? Holmes: That you're a dad man walking. Jeff: So are you. Holmes: You don't have long, though. Am I right? Jeff: Aneurism. Jeff: Right in 'ere. Jeff: Any breath could be my last. Holmes: And because you're dying, you've just mrder four people. Jeff: I've outlived four people. That's the most fun you can 'ave on an aneurism. Holmes: No. No, there's something else. You didn't just kll four people because you're bitter. Bitterness is a paralytic. Love is a much more vicious motivator. Somehow this is about your children. Jeff: Ohh. Jeff: You are good, ain't you? Holmes: But how? Jeff: When I die, they won't get much, my kids. Not a lot of money in driving cabs. Holmes: Or serial klling. Jeff: You'd be surprised. Holmes: Surprise me. Jeff: I 'ave a sponsor. Holmes: You have a what? Jeff: For every life I take, money goes to my kids. The more I kll, the better off they'll be. You see? It's nicer than you think. Holmes: Who'd sponsor a serial kller? Jeff: Who'd be a fan of Sherlock 'olmes? Jeff: You're not the only one to enjoy a good mrder. There's others out there just like you, except you're just a man... and they're so much more than that. Holmes: What d'you mean, more than a man? An organisation? What? Jeff: There's a name no-one says, an' I'm not gonna say it either. Now, enough chatter. Jeff: Time to choose. Watson: Sherlock? Watson: Sherlock! Holmes: What if I don't choose either? I could just walk out of here. Jeff: You can take your fifty-fifty chance, or I can sht you in the head. Jeff: Funnily enough, no-one's ever gone for that option. Holmes: I'll have the gn, please. Jeff: Are you sure? Holmes: Definitely. The gn. Jeff: You don't wanna phone a friend? Holmes: The gn. Holmes: I know a real gn when I see one. Jeff: None of the others did. Holmes: Clearly. Well, this has been very interesting. I look forward to the court case. Jeff: Just before you go, did you figure it out... Jeff: ..which one's the good bottle? Holmes: Of course. Child's play. Jeff: Well, which one, then? Jeff: Which one would you 'ave picked, just so I know whether I could have beaten you? Jeff: Come on. Play the game. Jeff: Oh. Interesting. Jeff: So what d'you think? Jeff: Shall we? Jeff: Really, what do you think? Jeff: Can you bat me? Jeff: Are you clever enough to bet your life? Watson: ( Muffled ) Sherlock! Jeff: I bet you get bored, don't you? I know you do. A man like you... So clever. But what's the point of being clever if you can't prove it? Jeff: Still the addict. Jeff: But this... this is what you're really addicted to, innit? Jeff: You'd do anything... anything at all... Jeff: ..to stop being bored. Jeff: You're not bored now, are you? Jeff: Innit good? ( gn ) ( Gasping ) Holmes: Was I right? Holmes: I was, wasn't I? Did I get it right? Holmes: Okay, tell me this. Your sponsor. Who was it? The one who told you about me, my fan. I want a name. Jeff: No... Holmes: You're dying, but there's still time to hurt you. Give me a name. ( Gasps ) Holmes: A name! Now! Holmes: The name! Jeff: Moriarty! ( Mouths ) ( Sirens wail ) LATER. Outside the college. Holmes: Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me. Lestrade: Yeah, it's for shock. Holmes: I'm not in shock. Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys wanna take photographs. Holmes: So, the sht. No sign? Lestrade: Cleared off before we got 'ere. But a guy like that would have had enemies, I suppose. One of them could have been following him but... got nothing to go on. Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Lestrade: Okay, gimme. Holmes: The bllet they just dug out of the wall's from a gn. A kll sht over that distance, from that kind of a wapon, that's a crack sht. But not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn't have shaken at all, so clearly he's acclimatised to volence. He didn't fre until I was in immediate danger, though, so strong moral principle. You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service and... and nerves of steel... Holmes: Actually, do you know what? Ignore me. Lestrade: Sorry? Holmes: Ignore all of that. It's just the, er... the shock talking. Lestrade: Where're you going? Holmes: I just need to talk about the-the rent. Lestrade: But I've still got questions for you. Holmes: Oh, what now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket! Lestrade: Sherlock! Holmes: And... I just caught you a serial kller... more or less. Lestrade: Okay. We'll bring you in tomorrow. Off you go. Watson: Erm... Sergeant Donovan's... just been explaining... everything. Two pills... Dreadful business, isn't it? Dreadful. Holmes: Good sht. Watson: Yes. Yes, must have been, through that window. Holmes: Well, you'd know. Holmes: Need to get the powder burns out of your fingers. I don't suppose you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case. Holmes: Are you all right? Watson: Yes, of course I'm all right. Holmes: Well, you have just klled a man. Watson: Yes, I... Watson: That's true, innit? Watson: But he wasn't a very nice man. Holmes: No. No, he wasn't really, was he? Watson: And frankly a bloody awful cabbie. Holmes: That's true. He was a bad cabbie. Should have seen the route he took us to get here! Watson: Stop! Stop, we can't giggle, it's a crime scene! Stop it! Holmes: You're the one who sht him. Don't blame me. Watson: Keep your voice down! Watson: Sorry, it's just, erm... nerves, I think. Holmes: Sorry. Watson: You were gonna take that damned pill, weren't you? Holmes: Course I wasn't. Biding my time. Knew you'd turn up. Watson: No you didn't. It's how you get your kicks, isn't it? You risk your life to prove you're clever. Holmes: Why would I do that? Watson: Because you're an idiot. Holmes: Dinner? Watson: Starving. Holmes: End of Baker Street, there's a good Chinese stays open 'til two. You can always tell a good Chinese by examining the bottom third of the door handle. Watson: Sherlock. That's him. That's the man I was talking to you about. Holmes: I know exactly who that is. Man: So, another case cracked. How very public spirited... though that's never really your motivation, is it? Holmes: What are you doing here? Man: As ever, I'm concerned about you. Holmes: Yes, I've been hearing about your "concern". Man: Always so aggressive. Did it never occur to you that you and I belong on the same side? Holmes: Oddly enough... no! Man: We have more in common than you like to believe. This petty feud between us is simply childish. People will suffer... and you know how it always upset Mummy. Holmes: I upset her? Me? Holmes: It wasn't me that upset her, Mycroft. Watson: No, no, wait. Mummy? Who's Mummy? Holmes: Mother. Our mother. This is my brother, Mycroft. Holmes: Putting on weight again? Man/Mycroft: Losing it, in fact. Watson: He's your brother?! Holmes: Of course he's my brother. Watson: So he's not... Holmes: Not what? Watson: I dunno... criminal mastermind? Holmes: Close enough. Mycroft: For goodness' sake. I occupy a minor position in the British Government. Holmes: He is the British Government, when he's not too busy being the British Secret Service or the CIA on a freelance basis. Holmes: Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a wr before I get home - you know what it does for the traffic. Watson: So, when-when you say you're concerned about him, you actually are concerned? Mycroft: Yes, of course. Watson: I mean, it actually is a childish feud? Mycroft: He's always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners. Watson: Yeah... no. God, no! Watson: I-I'd better, um... Watson: Hello again. Not-Anthea: Hello. Watson: Yes, we-we met earlier on this evening. Not-Anthea: Oh! Watson: Okay, good night. Mycroft: Good night, Doctor Watson. Watson: So: dim sum. Holmes: Mmm! I can always predict the fortune cookies. Watson: No you can't. Holmes: Almost can. You did get sh*t, though. Watson: Sorry? Holmes: In Afghanistan. There was an actual wound. Watson: Oh, yeah. Shoulder. Holmes: Shoulder! I thought so. Watson: No you didn't. Holmes: The left one. Watson: Lucky guess. Holmes: I never guess. Watson: Yes you do. Watson: What are you so happy about? Holmes: Moriarty. Watson: What's Moriarty? Holmes: I've absolutely no idea. Not-Anthea: Sir, shall we go? Mycroft: Interesting, that soldier fellow. Mycroft: He could be the making of my brother... or make him worse than ever. Either way, we'd better upgrade their surveillance status. Grade Three Active. Not-Anthea: Sorry, sir. Whose status? Mycroft: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "01x01 - A Study in Pink"}	foreverdreaming
( Chinese flutes play ) Soo Lin: The great artisans say the more the teapot is used, the more beautiful it becomes. Soo Lin: The pot is seasoned by repeatedly pouring tea over the surface. The deposit left on the clay creates this beautiful patina over time. Soo Lin: For some pots, the clay has been burnished by tea made over four hundred years ago. Tannoy Announcement: This museum will be closing in ten minutes. Andy: Four hundred years old, and they're lettin' you use it to make yourself a brew! Soo Lin: Some things aren't supposed to sit behind glass. They're made to be touched; to be handled. Soo Lin: ( Sighs ) These pots need attention. The clay is cracking. Andy: Well, I can't see how a tiny splash of tea's gonna help. Soo Lin: Sometimes you have to look hard at something to see its value. Soo Lin: See? This one shines a little brighter. Andy: I don't suppose... um, I mean, I don't suppose that you... you wanna have a drink? Not tea, obviously. Um, in a pub, with me, tonight... Um...? Soo Lin: You wouldn't like me all that much. Andy: Couldn't I maybe decide that for myself? Soo Lin: I can't. I'm sorry. Please stop asking. ( Thud! ) ( Clunk! ) ( Lock clicks ) Soo Lin: Is that Security? Soo Lin: Hello? Season 1 Episode 2 The Blind Banker Original air date on August 1, 2010 ( Siren wails ) ( Beeps ) PA system: Can the till supervisor please go to...? Automated Voice: Unexpected item in bagging area. Please try again. ( Grunting and groaning ) ( Thud! ) Automated Voice: Item not scanned. Please try again. Watson: D'you think you could keep your voice down? Automated Voice: Card not authorised. Please use an alternative method of payment. Watson: Yes, all right! I've got it! Automated Voice: Card not authorised. Please use an alternative method of payment. Watson: Got nothing. Watson: Right, keep it. Keep that. ( Grunts ) ( Sighs ) ( Motorcycle engine revs ) ( Car horn blares ) Holmes: Look! Holmes: You took your time. Watson: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping. Holmes: What? Why not? Watson: Because I had a row, in the shop, with a chip-and-PIN machine. Holmes: You... you had a row with a machine? Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse. Have you got cash? Holmes: Take my card. Watson: You could always go yourself, you know. You've been sitting there all morning. You've not even moved since I left. ( Grunts and groans ) Watson: And what happened about that case you were offered – the Jaria Diamond? Holmes: Not interested. ( Metallic clank ) Holmes: I sent them a message. ( Thud! ) ( Watson sighs and tuts ) Watson: Ugh, Holmes. Watson: Don't worry about me. I can manage. Watson: Is that my computer? Holmes: Of course. Watson: What?! Holmes: Mine was in the bedroom. Watson: What, and you couldn't be bothered to get up? Watson: It's password protected! Holmes: In a manner of speaking. Took me less than a minute to guess yours. Not exactly Fort Knox. Watson: Right, thank you. ( Siren wails ) Watson: Oh. Watson: Need to get a job. Holmes: Oh, dull. Watson: Listen, um... if you'd be able to lend me some... Watson: Sherlock, are you listening? Holmes: I need to go to the bank. Watson: Yes, when you said we were going to the bank... ( Door beeps ) ( Elevator pings ) Holmes: Sherlock Holmes. ( Phone rings ) Sebastian: Sherlock Holmes. Holmes: Sebastian. Sebastian: Howdy, buddy. How long's it been? Eight years since I last clapped eyes on you? Holmes: This is my friend, John Watson. Sebastian: Friend? Watson: Colleague. Sebastian: Right. ( Phone ringing ) Sebastian: Well, grab a pew. D'you need anything? Coffee, water? Watson: No. Sebastian: No? We're all sorted here, thanks. Holmes: So, you're doing well. You've been abroad a lot. Sebastian: Well, some. Holmes: Flying all the way round the world twice in a month? Sebastian: ( Scoffs ) Right. You're doing that thing. Sebastian: We were at uni together. This guy here had a trick he used to do. Holmes: It's not a trick. Sebastian: He could look at you and tell you your whole life story. Watson: Yes, I've seen him do it. Sebastian: Put the wind up everybody. We hated him. Sebastian: You'd come down to breakfast in the Formal Hall and this freak would know you'd been shagging the previous night. Holmes: I simply observed. Sebastian: Go on, enlighten me. Two trips a month, flying all the way around the world – you're quite right. How could you tell? Sebastian: You're gonna tell me there was, um, a stain on my tie from some special kind of ketchup you can only buy in Manhattan. Holmes: No, I... Sebastian: Maybe it was the mud on my shoes! Holmes: I was just chatting with your secretary outside. She told me. Sebastian: ( Laughs ) I'm glad you could make it over. We've had a break-in. Sebastian: Sir William's office – the bank's former Chairman. The room's been left here like a sort of memorial. Someone broke in late last night. Watson: What did they steal? Sebastian: Nothing. Just left a little message. ( Phone ringing ) ( Electronic beep ) Sebastian: Sixty seconds apart. ( Keyboard beeps ) Sebastian: So, someone came up here in the middle of the night, splashed paint around, then left within a minute. Holmes: How many ways into that office? Sebastian: Well, that's where this gets really interesting. Sebastian: Every door that opens in this bank, it gets logged right here. Every walk-in cupboard, every toilet. Holmes: That door didn't open last night. Sebastian: There's a hole in our security. Find it and we'll pay you – five figures. Sebastian: This is an advance. Tell me how he got in, there's a bigger one on its way. Holmes: I don't need an incentive, Sebastian. Watson: He's, uh, ( Clears throat ) he's kidding you, obviously. Watson: Sh-shall I look after that for him? Watson: Thanks. Watson: Two trips around the world this month. You didn't ask his secretary; you said that just to irritate him. Watson: How did you know? Holmes: Did you see his watch? Watson: His watch? Holmes: The time was right but the date was wrong. Said two days ago. Crossed the dateline twice but he didn't alter it. Watson: Within a month? How'd you get that part? Holmes: New Breitling. Holmes: Only came out this February. Watson: Okay. So d'you think we should sniff around here for a bit longer? Holmes: Got everything I need to know already, thanks. Watson: Hmm? Holmes: That graffiti was a message for someone at the bank working on the trading floors. We find the intended recipient and... Watson: ..they'll lead us to the person who sent it? Holmes: Obvious. Watson: Well, there's three hundred people up there. Who was it meant for? Holmes: Pillars. Watson: What? Holmes: Pillars and the screens. Very few places you can see that graffiti from. That narrows the field considerably. And of course the message was left at eleven thirty-four last night. That tells us a lot. Watson: Does it? Holmes: Traders come to work at all hours. Some trade with Hong Kong in the middle of the night. That message was intended for someone who came in at midnight. Holmes: Not many Van cons in the phonebook. Holmes: Taxi! ( Buzzes ) Watson: So what do we do now? Sit here and wait for him to come back? Holmes: Just moved in. Watson: What? Holmes: The floor above. New label. Watson: Could have just replaced it. ( Buzzes ) Holmes: No-one ever does that. Ms Wintle: Hello? Holmes: Hi! Um, I live in the flat just below you. I-I don't think we've met. Ms Wintle: No, well, uh, I've just moved in. Holmes: Actually, I've just locked my keys in my flat. Ms Wintle: D'you want me to buzz you in? Holmes: Yeah. And can I use your balcony? Ms Wintle: What? ( Door buzzes ) Watson: Sherlock. Watson: Sherlock, are you okay? Watson: Yeah, any time you feel like letting me in. Watson: D'you think he'd lost a lot of money? I mean, su1c1de is pretty common among City boys. Holmes: We don't know that it was su1c1de. Watson: Come on. The door was locked from the inside; you had to climb down the balcony. Holmes: Been away three days, judging by the laundry. Holmes: Look at the case. There was something tightly packed inside it. Watson: Thanks. I'll take your word for it. Holmes: Problem? Watson: Yeah, I'm not desperate to root around some bloke's dirty underwear. Holmes: Those symbols at the bank – the graffiti. Why were they put there? Watson: What, some sort of code? Holmes: Obviously. Holmes: Why were they painted? If you want to communicate, why not use e-mail? Watson: Well, maybe he wasn't answering. Holmes: Oh good. You follow. Watson: No. Holmes: What kind of a message would everyone try to avoid? Holmes: What about this morning – those letters you were looking at? Watson: Bills. Holmes: Yes. He was being thrat. Man's voice: ( in background ) Bag this up, will you... Watson: Not by the gas board. Man's voice: ..and see if you can get prints off this glass. Holmes: Ah, Sergeant. We haven't met. Man: Yeah, I know who you are; and I'd prefer it if you didn't tamper with any of the evidence. Holmes: I've phoned Lestrade. Is he on his way? Man: He's busy. I'm in charge. And it's not Sergeant; it's Detective Inspector. Dimmock. Dimmock: We're obviously looking at a su1c1de. Watson: That does seem the only explanation of all the facts. Holmes: Wrong. It's one possible explanation of some of the facts. Holmes: You've got a solution that you like, but you're choosing to ignore anything you see that doesn't comply with it. Dimmock: Like? Holmes: The wound was on the right side of his head. Dimmock: And? Holmes: Van con was left-handed. Holmes: Requires quite a bit of contortion. Dimmock: Left-handed? Holmes: Oh, I'm amazed you didn't notice. All you have to do is look around this flat. Holmes: Coffee table on the left-hand side; coffee mug handle pointing to the left. Power sockets: habitually used the ones on the left... Holmes: Pen and paper on the left-hand side of the phone because he picked it up with his right and took down messages with his left. D'you want me to go on? Watson: No, I think you've covered it. Holmes: Oh, I might as well; I'm almost at the bottom of the list. Holmes: There's a Knfe on the breadboard with butter on the right side of the blade because he used it with his left. Holmes: It's highly unlikely that a left-handed man would sh*t himself in the right side of his head. Holmes: Conclusion: someone broke in here and mrder him. Only explanation of all the facts. Dimmock: But the gn: why... Holmes: He was waiting for the kller. He'd been thrat. Dimmock: What? Watson: Today at the bank. Sort of a warning. Holmes: He fired a sht when his attacker came in. Dimmock: And the bllet? Holmes: Went through the open window. Dimmock: Oh, come on! What are the chances of that?! Holmes: Wait until you get the ballistics report. The bllet in his brain wasn't fired from his gn. I guarantee it. Dimmock: But if his door was locked from the inside, how did the kller get in? Holmes: Good! You're finally asking the right questions. Sebastian: ..and he's left trying to sort of cut his hair with a fork, which of course can never be done! Holmes: It was a thrat. That's what the graffiti meant. Sebastian: I'm kind of in a meeting. Can you make an appointment with my secretary? Holmes: I don't think this can wait. Sorry, Sebastian. One of your traders – someone who worked in your office – was klled. Sebastian: What? Watson: Van con. The police are at his flat. Sebastian: klled? Holmes: Sorry to interfere with everyone's digestion. Still wanna make an appointment? Would, maybe, nine o'clock at Scotland Yard suit? Sebastian: Harrow, Oxford... very bright guy. Worked in Asia for a while, so... Watson: ..you gave him the Hong Kong accounts? Sebastian: Lost five mill in a single morning, made it all back a week later. Nerves of steel, Eddie had. Watson: Who'd wanna kll him? Sebastian: We all make enemies. Watson: You don't all end up with a bllet through your temple. ( Mobile rings ) Sebastian: Not usually. 'Scuse me. Sebastian: It's my Chairman. The police have been on to him. Apparently they're telling him it was a su1c1de. Holmes: Well, they've got it wrong, Sebastian. He was mrder. Sebastian: Well, I'm afraid they don't see it like that. Holmes: Seb. Sebastian: ..and neither does my boss. I hired you to do a job. Don't get side-tracked. ( Fading footsteps ) Watson: I thought bankers were all supposed to be heartless bastards! ( Horn blares ) Director: I need you to get over to Crispians. Director: Two Ming vases up for auction – Chenghua. Will you appraise them? Andy: Er, er, Soo Lin should go. She's the expert. Director: Soo Lin has resigned her job. I need you. ( Phone ringing ) Sarah: Just locum work. Watson: No, that's fine. Sarah: You're, um... well, you're a bit over-qualified. Watson: Er, I could always do with the money. Sarah: Well, we've got two away on holiday this week, and one's just left to have a baby. Might be a bit mundane for you. Watson: Er, no; mundane is good sometimes. Mundane works. Sarah: It says here you were a soldier. Watson: And a doctor. Sarah: Anything else you can do? Watson: I learned the clarinet at school. Sarah: Oh! ( Laughs ) Well, I look forward to it! Holmes: I said, "Could you pass me a pen?" Watson: What? When? Holmes: 'Bout an hour ago. Watson: Didn't notice I'd gone out, then. Watson: Yeah, I went to see about a job at that surgery. Holmes: How was it? Watson: It's great. She's great. Holmes: Who? Watson: The job. Holmes: "She"? Watson: It. Holmes: Here, have a look. Watson: Hmm? Watson: "The intruder who can walk through walls." Holmes: Happened last night. Journalist sht dad in his flat; doors locked, windows bolted from the inside – exactly the same as Van con. Watson: God. You think... Holmes: He's klled another one. Holmes: Brian Lukis, freelance journalist. mrder in his flat... Holmes: ..doors locked from the inside. Watson: You've gotta admit, it's similar. Watson: Both men klled by someone who can... walk through solid walls. Holmes: Inspector, do you seriously believe that Eddie Van con was just another City su1c1de? Holmes: ( Sighs ) You have seen the ballistics report, I suppose? Dimmock: Mmm. Holmes: And the sht that klled him: was it fired from his own gn? Dimmock: No. Holmes: No. So this investigation might move a bit quicker if you were to take my word as gospel. Holmes: I've just handed you a mrder enquiry. Five minutes in his flat. Holmes: Four floors up. That's why they think they're safe. Put a chain across the door and bolt it shut; think they're impregnable. Holmes: They don't reckon for one second that there's another way in. Dimmock: I don't understand. Holmes: You're dealing with a kller who can climb. Dimmock: What are you doing? Holmes: He clings to the walls like an insect. ( Clunk! ) Holmes: That's how he got in. Dimmock: What?! Holmes: Climbed up the side of the walls, ran along the roof, dropped in through this skylight. Dimmock: You're not serious! Like Spiderman?! Holmes: He scaled six floors of a Docklands apartment building, jumped the balcony to kll Van con. Dimmock: Oh, ho-hold on! Holmes: And of course that's how he got into the bank. He ran along the window ledge and onto the terrace. Holmes: We have to find out what connects these two men. Holmes: Date stamped on the book is the same day that he died. Watson: Sherlock. Holmes: So, the kller goes to the bank, leaves a thrat cipher for Van con; Van con panics, returns to his apartment, locks himself in. Holmes: Hours later, he dies. Watson: The kller finds Lukis at the library; he writes the cipher on the shelf where he knows it'll be seen; Lukis goes home. Holmes: Late that night, he dies too. Watson: Why did they die, Sherlock? Holmes: Only the cipher can tell us. Holmes: The world's run on codes and ciphers, John. From the million-pound security system at the bank, to the PIN machine you took exception to, cryptography inhabits our every waking moment. Watson: Yes, okay, but... Holmes: ..but it's all computer-generated: electronic codes, electronic ciphering methods. This is different. It's an ancient device. Modern code-breaking methods won't unravel it. Watson: Where are we headed? Holmes: I need to ask some advice. Watson: What?! Sorry?! Holmes: You heard me perfectly. I'm not saying it again. Watson: You need advice? Holmes: On painting, yes. I need to talk to an expert. ( Siren wails ) Raz: Part of a new exhibition. Holmes: Interesting. Raz: I call it Urban Bloodlust Frenzy. ( Chuckles ) Watson: Catchy! Raz: I've got two minutes before a Community Support Officer comes round that corner. Raz: Can we do this while I'm workin'? Holmes: Know the author? Raz: Recognise the paint. It's like Michigan; hardcore propellant. I'd say zinc. Holmes: What about the symbols: d'you recognise them? Raz: Not even sure it's a proper language. Holmes: Two men have been mrder, Raz. Deciphering this is the key to finding out who klled them. Raz: What, and this is all you've got to go on? It's hardly much, now, is it? Holmes: Are you gonna help us or not? Raz: I'll ask around. Holmes: Somebody must know something about it. Voice: Oi! ( Metallic clattering ) Community Officer: What the hell do you think you're doing? This gallery is a listed public building. Watson: No, no, wait, wait. It's not me who painted that. Watson: I was just holding this for... Community Officer: Bit of an enthusiast, are we? ( Police radio in background ) Andy: She was right in the middle of an important piece of restoration. Why would she suddenly resign? Director: Family problems. She said so in her letter. Andy: But she doesn't have a family. She came to this country on her own. Director: Andy... Andy: Look, those teapots, those ceramics: they've become her obsession. She's been working on restoring them for weeks. I-I can't believe that she would just abandon them. Director: Perhaps she was getting a bit of unwanted attention. ( Door slams ) Holmes: You've been a while. Watson: Yeah, well, you know how it is. Custody sergeants don't really like to be hurried, do they? Watson: Just formalities: fingerprints, charge sheet, and I've gotta be in Magistrates Court on Tuesday. Holmes: What? Watson: Me, Sherlock, in court on Tuesday. They're givin' me an ASBO! Holmes: Good. Fine. Watson: You wanna tell your little pal he's welcome to go and own up any time. Holmes: This symbol: I still can't place it. Holmes: No, I need you to go to the police station... Watson: Oy, oy, oy! Holmes: ..ask about the journalist. Watson: Oh, Jesus! Holmes: His personal effects will have been impounded. Get hold of his diary, or something that will tell us his movements. Holmes: Gonna go and see Van con's P.A. If we retrace their steps, somewhere they'll coincide. ( Shutter clicks ) Watson: Scotland Yard. Taxi Driver: Right. Amanda: Flew back from Dalian Friday. Looks like he had back-to-back meetings with the sales team. Holmes: Can you print me up a copy? Amanda: Sure. Holmes: What about the day he died? Can you tell me where he was? Amanda: Sorry. Bit of a gap. Amanda: I have all his receipts. Dimmock: Your friend... Watson: Listen: whatever you say, I'm behind you one hundred percent. Dimmock: ..he's an arrogant sod. Watson: Well, that was mild! People say a lot worse than that. Dimmock: This is what you wanted, isn't it? The journalist's diary? Holmes: What kind of a boss was he, Amanda? Appreciative? Amanda: Um, no. That's not a word I'd use. The only things Eddie appreciated had a big price tag. Holmes: Like that hand cream. He bought that for you, didn't he? Holmes: Look at this one. Got a taxi from home on the day he died. Eighteen pounds fifty. Amanda: That would get him to the office. Holmes: Not rush hour; check the time. Mid-morning. Eighteen would get him as far as... Amanda: The West End. I remember him saying. Holmes: Underground. Printed at one in Piccadilly. Amanda: So he got a Tube back to the office. Why would he get a taxi into town and then the Tube back? Holmes: Because he was delivering something heavy. Didn't want to lug a package up the escalator. Amanda: Delivering? Holmes: To somewhere near Piccadilly Station. Dropped the package, delivered it and then... Holmes: ..stopped on his way. He got peckish. Holmes: So you bought your lunch from here en route to the station, but where were you headed from? Where did the taxi drop you...? Watson: Right. Holmes: Eddie Van con brought a package here the day he died – whatever was hidden inside that case. I've managed to piece together a picture using scraps of information... Watson: Sherlock... Holmes: ..credit card bills, receipts. He flew back from China, then he came here. Watson: Sherlock... Holmes: Somewhere in this street; somewhere near. I don't know where, but... Watson: That shop over there. Holmes: How can you tell? Watson: Lukis' diary. He was here too. He wrote down the address. Holmes: Oh. ( Shop bell rings ) Watson: Hello. Shop Keeper: You want... lucky cat? Watson: No, thanks. No. Shop Keeper: Ten pound. Ten pound! Watson: No. Shop Keeper: I think your wife, she will like! Watson: No, thank you. Watson: Sherlock. Watson: The label there. Holmes: Yes, I see it. Watson: Exactly the same as the cipher. ( Watson clears throat ) Holmes: It's an ancient number system: Hangzhou. Holmes: These days, only street traders use it. Those were numbers written on the wall at the bank and at the library. Holmes: Numbers written in an ancient Chinese dialect. Watson: It's a fifteen! What we thought was the artist's tag – it's a number fifteen. Holmes: And the blindfold – the horizontal line? That was a number as well. Holmes: The Chinese number one, John. Watson: We've found it! Watson: Two men travel back from China. Both head straight for the Lucky Cat emporium. What did they see? Holmes: It's not what they saw; it's what they both brought back in those suitcases. Watson: And you don't mean duty free. Watson: Thank you. Holmes: Think about what Sebastian told us; about Van con – about how he stayed afloat in the market. Watson: Lost five million... Holmes: ..made it back in a week. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: That's how he made such easy money. Watson: He was a smuggler. Mmm. Holmes: A guy like him – it would have been perfect. Holmes: Business man... Watson: Mmm-hmm. Holmes: ..making frequent trips to Asia. And Lukis was the same... Holmes: ..a journalist writing about China. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: Both of them smuggled stuff out, and the Lucky Cat was their drop-off. Watson: But why did they die? I mean, it doesn't make sense. If they both turn up at the shop and deliver the goods, why would someone thrat them and kll them after the event, after they'd finished the job? Holmes: What if one of them was light-fingered? Watson: How d'you mean? Holmes: Stole something; something from the hoard. Watson: And the kller doesn't know which of them took it, so he thrat them both. Right. Holmes: Remind me... Holmes: ..when was the last time that it rained? Holmes: It's been here since Monday. Holmes: No-one's been in that flat for at least three days. Watson: Could've gone on holiday. Holmes: D'you leave your windows open when you go on holiday? ( Metallic screech ) Watson: Sherlock! ( Groans ) ( Water drips ) Holmes: Someone else has been here. Holmes: Somebody else broke into the flat and knocked over the vase just like I did. ( Sniffs ) ( Doorbell rings ) Watson: D'you think maybe you could let me in this time? Watson: Can you not keep doing this, please? Holmes: I'm not the first. Watson: What? Holmes: Somebody's been in here before me! Watson: What are you saying? Holmes: Size eight feet. Holmes: Small, but... athletic. Watson: I'm wasting my breath. ( Doorbell rings ) Holmes: Small, strong hands. Holmes: Our acrobat. Holmes: But why didn't he close the window when he left...? Holmes: Oh, stupid. Stupid. Obvious. He's still here. ( Chokes ) Watson: Any time you want to include me. Holmes: John! John! Watson: "No, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone because no-one else can compete with..." Watson: "... my MASSIVE INTELLECT!" ( Doorbell rings ) ( Splutters and coughs ) ( Groans ) Holmes: The, uh, milk's gone off and the washing's starting to smell. Somebody left here in a hurry three days ago. Watson: Somebody? Holmes: Soo Lin Yao. We have to find her. Watson: But how, exactly? Holmes: Maybe we could start with this. Watson: You've gone all croaky. Are you getting a cold? Holmes: ( Coughs ) I'm fine. Holmes: When was the last time that you saw her? Andy: Three days ago, um, here at the museum. Andy: This morning they told me she'd resigned just like that. Andy: Just left her work unfinished. Holmes: What was the last thing that she did on her final afternoon? Andy has brought the boys to the basement archive, and now turns the lights on as he leads them in. Andy: She does this demonstration for the tourists – a-a tea ceremony. So she would have packed up her things and just put them in here. Holmes: We have to get to Soo Lin Yao. Watson: If she's still alive. Raz: Sherlock! Watson: Oh, look who it is. Raz: Found something you'll like. Watson: Tuesday morning, all you've gotta do is turn up and say the bag was yours. Holmes: Forget about your court date. Girl: Dude, that was rad! Holmes: If you wanna hide a tree in the middle of a forest, this is the best place to do it, wouldn't you say? People would just walk straight past, not knowing, unable to decipher the message. Raz: There. I spotted it earlier. Holmes: They have been in here. And that's the exact same paint? Raz: Yeah. Holmes: John, if we're going to decipher this code, we're gonna need to look for more evidence. Watson: Answer your phone! I've been calling you! ( Panting ) I've found it. Watson: It's been painted over! Watson: I don't understand. It-it was here... ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole load of graffiti! Holmes: Somebody doesn't want me to see it. Watson: Hey, Sherlock, what are you doing...? Holmes: Shh, John, concentrate. I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes. Watson: No, what? Why? Why? Watson: What are you doing?! Holmes: I need you to maximise your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it? Watson: Yeah. Holmes: Can you remember it? Watson: Yes, definitely. Holmes: Can you remember the pattern? Watson: Yes! Holmes: How much can you remember it? Watson: Well, don't worry... Holmes: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only sixty-two percent accurate. Watson: Yeah, well, don't worry – I remember all of it. Holmes: Really? Watson: Yeah, well at least I would... if I can get to my pockets! Watson: I took a photograph. ( Mobile beeps ) ( Train rumbles ) Holmes: Always in pairs, John. Watson: Hmm? Holmes: Numbers... come with partners. Watson: God, I need to sleep. Holmes: Why did he paint it so near the tracks? Watson: No idea. Holmes: Thousands of people pass by there every day. Watson: Just twenty minutes... Holmes: Of course. Holmes: Of course! He wants information. He's trying to communicate with his people in the underworld. Whatever was stolen, he wants it back. Holmes: Somewhere here in the code. Holmes: We can't crack this without Soo Lin Yao. Watson: Oh, good! Holmes: Two men who travelled back from China were mrder, and their kller left them messages in the Hangzhou numerals. Watson: Soo Lin Yao's in danger. Now, that cipher – it was just the same pattern as the others. He means to kll her as well. Andy: Look, I've tried everywhere: um, friends, colleagues. I-I don't know where she's gone. I mean, she could be a thousand miles away. Watson: What are you looking at? Holmes: Tell me more about those teapots. Andy: Th-the pots were her obsession. Um, they need urgent work. If-if they dry out, then the clay can start to crumble. Apparently you have to just keep making tea in them. Holmes: Yesterday, only one of those pots was shining. Now there are two. ( Grating ) Holmes: Fancy a biscuit with that? Holmes: Centuries old. Don't wanna break that. Holmes: Hello. Soo Lin: You saw the cipher. Then you know he is coming for me. Holmes: You've been clever to avoid him so far. Soo Lin: I had to finish... to finish this work. It's only a matter of time. I know he will find me. Holmes: Who is he? Have you met him before? Soo Lin: When I was a girl, living back in China. I recognise his... 'signature'. Holmes: The cipher. Soo Lin: Only he would do this. Zhi Zhu. Watson: Zhi Zhu? Holmes: The Spider. Soo Lin: You know this mark? Holmes: Yes. It's the mark of a Tong. Watson: Hmm? Holmes: Ancient crime syndicate based in China. Soo Lin: Every foot soldier bears the mark; everyone who hauls for them. Watson: "Hauls"? Watson: Y-you mean you were a smuggler? Soo Lin: I was fifteen. My parents were dad. I had no livelihood; no way of surviving day to day except to work for the bosses. Holmes: Who are they? Soo Lin: They are called the Black Lotus. By the time I was sixteen, I was taking thousands of pounds' worth of drugs across the border into Hong Kong. But I managed to leave that life behind me. I came to England. Soo Lin: They gave me a job here. Everything was good; a new life. Holmes: Then he came looking for you. Soo Lin: Yes. Soo Lin: I had hoped after five years maybe they would have forgotten me, but they never really let you leave. A small community like ours – they are never very far away. Soo Lin: He came to my flat. He asked me to help him to track down something that was stolen. Watson: And you've no idea what it was? Soo Lin: I refused to help. Watson: So you knew him well when you were living back in China? Soo Lin: Oh yes. Soo Lin: He's my brother. Soo Lin: Two orphans. We had no choice. We could work for the Black Lotus, or starve on the streets like beggars. Soo Lin: My brother has become their puppet, in the power of the one they call Shan – the Black Lotus general. Soo Lin: I turned my brother away. He said I had betrayed him. Next day I came to work and the cipher was waiting. Holmes: Can you decipher these? Soo Lin: These are numbers. Holmes: Yes, I know. Soo Lin: Here: the line across the man's eyes – it's the Chinese number one. Holmes: And this one is fifteen. But what's the code? Soo Lin: All the smugglers know it. It's based upon a book... ( Door thuds ) Soo Lin: He's here. Zhi Zhu. He has found me. Watson: Sh-Sherlock. Sherlock, wait! Watson: Come here. Watson: Get in. Get in! ( gn ) ( Second gn ) ( More gn ) Watson: I have to go and help. Bolt the door after me. ( gn ) ( gn ) Holmes: Careful! ( gn ) Holmes: Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old! Have a bit of respect! Holmes: Thank you! Soo Lin: 亮 [Liang.] Soo Lin: 大哥 [Big brother.] Soo Lin: 请你 [Please...] ( gn ) Watson: Oh my God. ( Gulps ) Watson: How many mrder is it gonna take before you start believing that this maniac's out there? ( Mutters ) Watson: A young girl was gn down tonight. That's three victims in three days. You're supposed to be finding him. Holmes: Brian Lukis and Eddie Van con were working for a gng of international smugglers – a gng called the Black Lotus operating here in London right under your nose. Dimmock: Can you prove that? Holmes: What are you thinking: pork or the pasta? Molly: Oh, it's you! Holmes: This place is never going to trouble Egon Ronay, is it? Holmes: I'd stick with the pasta. Don't wanna be doing roast pork – not if you're slicing up cadavers. Molly: What are you having? Holmes: Don't eat when I'm working. Digesting slows me down. Molly: So you're working here tonight? Holmes: Need to examine some bodies. Molly: "Some"? Holmes: Eddie Van con and Brian Lukis. Molly: They're on my list. Holmes: Could you wheel them out again for me? Molly: Well... the paperwork's already gone through. Holmes: You've... changed your hair. Molly: What? Holmes: The-the style. It's usually parted in the middle. Molly: Yes, well... Holmes: Mmm, it's good; it, um, suits you better this way. Holmes: We're just interested in the feet. Molly: The feet? Holmes: Yes. D'you mind if we have a look at them? Holmes: Now Van con. Holmes: Oh! Dimmock: So... Holmes: So either these two men just happened to visit the same Chinese tattoo parlour or I'm telling the truth. Dimmock: What do you want? Holmes: I want every book from Lukis' apartment and Van con's. Dimmock: Their books? Holmes: Not just a criminal organisation; it's a cult. Her brother was corrupted by one of its leaders. Watson: Soo Lin said the name. Holmes: Yes, Shan; General Shan. Watson: We're still no closer to finding them. Holmes: Wrong. We've got almost all we need to know. She gave us most of the missing pieces. Holmes: Why did he need to visit his sister? Why did he need her expertise? Watson: She worked at the museum. Holmes: Exactly. Watson: An expert in antiquities. Mmm, of course. I see. Holmes: Valuable antiquities, John. Ancient Chinese relics purchased on the black market. China's home to a thousand treasures hidden after Mao's revolution. Watson: And the Black Lotus is selling them. Holmes: Check for the dates... Holmes: Here, John. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: "Arrived from China four days ago." Holmes: Anonymous. Vendor doesn't give his name. "Two undiscovered treasures from the East." Watson: One in Lukis' suitcase and one in Van con's. Holmes: ..antiquities sold at auction. Holmes: Look, here's another one. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: Arrived from China a month ago, Chinese ceramic statue, sold four hundred thousand. Watson: Ah, look, a month before that – a Chinese painting, half a million. Holmes: All of them from an anonymous source. They're stealing them back in China and one by one they're feeding them into Britain. Watson: Huh. Watson: And every single auction coincides with Lukis or Van con travelling to China. Holmes: So what if one of them got greedy when they were in China? What if one of them stole something? Watson: That's why Zhi Zhu's come. ( Knock at door ) Mrs Hudson: Ooh-ooh! Mrs Hudson: Sorry. Are we collecting for charity, Sherlock? Holmes: What? Mrs Hudson: A young man's outside with crates of books. Holmes: So, the numbers are references. Watson: To books. Holmes: To specific pages and specific words on those pages. Watson: Right, so... fifteen and one: that means... Holmes: Turn to page fifteen and it's the first word you read. Watson: Okay. So what's the message? Holmes: Depends on the book. That's the cunning of the book code. Has to be one that they both owned. Watson: Okay, right. Well, this shouldn't take too long, should it?! Dimmock: We found these, at the museum. Dimmock: Is this your writing? Watson: Uh, we hoped Soo Lin could decipher it for us. Ta. Dimmock: Anything else I can do? To assist you, I mean? Holmes: Some silence right now would be marvellous. Holmes: "Cigarette." Watson: Ah. Holmes: "Imagine." ( Clock ticks ) ( Watch bleeps ) ( Church bells ring ) Receptionist: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Receptionist: But we haven't got anything now 'til next Thursday. Woman's voice: This is taking ages. Receptionist: Er, sorry. Woman's voice: What's the point of making an appointment if they can't even stick to it? Sarah: Um, what's going on? Receptionist: That new doctor you hired – he hasn't buzzed the intercom for ages. Sarah: Let me go and have a word. Receptionist: Yeah, thanks. Sarah: 'Scuse me. Receptionist: Sorry. ( Knocks on door ) Woman's voice: What did she just say? Sarah: John? Sarah: John? ( Gentle snoring ) Watson: Um, looks like I'm done. I thought I had some more to see. Sarah: Oh, I did one or two of yours. Watson: One or two? Sarah: Well, maybe five or six. Watson: I'm sorry. That's not very professional. Sarah: No. No, not really. Watson: I had, um, a bit of a late one. Sarah: Oh, right. Watson: Anyway, see you. Sarah: So, um, what were you doing to keep you up so late? Watson: Uh, I was, er, attending a sort of book event. Sarah: Oh. Oh, she likes books, does she, your... your girlfriend? Watson: Mmm? No, it wasn't a date. Sarah: Good. I mean, um... Watson: And I don't have one tonight. Holmes: A book that everybody would own. Holmes: Fifteen. Entry one. Holmes: I need to get some air. We're going out tonight. Watson: Actually, I've, er, got a date. Holmes: What? Watson: It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun. Holmes: That's what I was suggesting. Watson: No it wasn't... at least I hope not. Holmes: Where are you taking her? Watson: Er, cinema. Holmes: Oh, dull, boring, predictable. Holmes: Why don't you try this? Holmes: In London for one night only. Watson: ( Laughs nervously ) Thanks, but I don't come to you for dating advice. Sarah: It's years since anyone took me to the circus. Watson: Right, yes! Well, it's... a friend recommended it to me. He phoned up. Sarah: Ah. What are they, a touring company or something? Watson: I don't know much about it. Sarah: I think they're probably from China! Watson: Yes, I think... I think so, yes. There's a coincidence! Customer: That's wonderful. Thank you very much. Manager: Okay. Watson: Hi. I have, er, two tickets reserved for tonight. Manager: And what's the name? Watson: Er, Holmes. Manager: Actually, I have three in that name. Watson: No, I don't think so. We only booked two. Holmes: And then I phoned back and got one for myself as well. Holmes: I'm Sherlock. Sarah: Er, hi. Holmes: Hello. Watson: You couldn't let me have just one night off? Holmes: Yellow Dragon Circus, in London for one day. It fits. The Tong sent an assassin to England... Watson: ..dressed as a tightrope walker. Come on, Sherlock, behave! Holmes: We're looking for a kller who can climb, who can shin up a rope. Where else would you find that level of dexterity? Exit visas are scarce in China. They need a pretty good reason to get out of that country. Now, all I need to do is have a quick look round the place... Watson: Fine. You do that; I'm gonna take Sarah for a pint. Holmes: I need your help. Watson: I do have a couple of other things on my mind this evening! Holmes: Like what? Watson: You are kidding. Holmes: What's so important? Watson: Sherlock, I'm right in the middle of a date. D'you want me to chase some kller while I'm trying to... Holmes: What? Watson: ..while I'm trying to get off with Sarah! Watson: Heyyy. Watson: Ready? Sarah: Yeah! ( Murmur of conversation ) Watson: You said circus. This is not a circus. Look at the size of this crowd. Sherlock, this is... art. Holmes: This is not their day job. Watson: No, sorry, I forgot. They're not a circus; they're a gng of international smugglers. ( Louder drum bat ) ( Whoosh ) ( Audience gasps ) ( Applause ) Holmes: Classic Chinese escapology act. Watson: Hmm? Holmes: The crossbow's on a delicate string. The warrior has to escape his bonds before it fires. ( He shouts ) ( Drum bat quickens ) ( Gong ) Sarah: Oh, Gawd! I'm sorry! ( They laugh ) Holmes: She splits the sandbag, the sand pours out, gradually the weight lowers into the bowl. ( Escapologist shouts and strains ) ( Applause ) Sarah: Thank God. Watson: My God! ( Applause restarts ) Opera Singer: Ladies and gentlemen, from the distant moonlight shores of the Yangtze River, we present for your pleasure the deadly Chinese bird-spider. ( Applause ) Watson: Did you see that?! Holmes: Well, well. ( Door opens ) ( Coat hangers rattle ) ( Door opens and closes ) Holmes: Found you. Watson: Come on. Holmes: Come on! Let's go! Dimmock: I sent a couple of cars. The old hall is totally deserted. Holmes: Look, I saw the mark at the circus – that tattoo that we saw on the two bodies: the mark of the Tong. Watson: Lukis and Van con were part of a-a smuggling operation. Now, one of them stole something when they were in China; something valuable. Holmes: These circus performers were gng members sent here to get it back. Dimmock: Get what back? Watson: We don't know. Dimmock: You don't know. Dimmock: Mr. Holmes... Dimmock: I've done everything you asked. Lestrade, he seems to think your advice is worth something. Dimmock: I gave the order for a raid. Please tell me I'll have something to show for it – other than a massive bill for overtime. Watson: They'll be back in China by tomorrow. Holmes: No, they won't leave without what they came for. We need to find their hide-out, the rendezvous. Holmes: Somewhere in this message it must tell us. Sarah: Well, I think perhaps I should leave you to it. Watson: No, no, you don't have to go... does she? You can stay. Holmes: Yes, it would be better to study if you left now. Watson: He's kidding. Please stay if you'd like. Sarah: Is it just me, or is anyone else starving? Holmes: Ooh, God. Sarah: So this is what you do, you and John. You solve puzzles for a living. Holmes: Consulting detective. Sarah: Oh. Watson: Oh! Sarah: What are these squiggles? Holmes: They're numbers. An ancient Chinese dialect. Sarah: Oh, right! Yeah, well, of course I should have known that! Mrs Hudson: Ooh-ooh! Mrs Hudson: ( Whispers ) I've done punch, and a bowl of nibbles. Watson: Mrs Hudson, you're a saint! Mrs Hudson: If it was Monday, I'd have been to the supermarket! Watson: No; thank you! Thank you! ( Sirens pass by ) Sarah: So these numbers, it's a cipher. Holmes: Exactly. Sarah: And each pair of numbers is a word. Holmes: How did you know that? Sarah: Well, two words have already been translated, here. Holmes: John. Watson: Mmm? Holmes: John, look at this. Holmes: Soo Lin at the museum – she started to translate the code for us. We didn't see it! Holmes: "NINE" "MILL". Watson: Does that mean millions? Holmes: Nine million quid. For what? Holmes: We need to know the end of this sentence. Watson: Where are you going? Holmes: To the museum; to the restoration room. Holmes: Oh, we must have been staring right at it! Watson: At-at what? Holmes: The book, John. The book – the key to cracking the cipher! Holmes: Soo Lin used it to do this! Whilst we were running around the gallery, she started to translate the code. It must be on her desk. Holmes: Taxi! Tourist: Hey, du! Siehst du nicht wo du hingehst? [Hey, you! Why don't you look where you're going?] Holmes: Entschuldigen Sie, bitte. [Forgive me, please.] Tourist: Ja, danke! [Yeah, thanks!] Tourist: Und dann sagen die, dass die Engländer höflich sind! [And they say the English are polite!] Holmes: A book that everybody would own. Holmes: Please, wait! Bitte! [Please!] Male Tourist: Was wollt er? Was will er? [What does he want?] Tourist: Hey, du! Was macht du? [Hey, you! What are you doing?] Holmes: Minute! [Wait a minute!] Tourist: Gib mir doch mein Buch zurück! [Give me my book back!] Sarah: Yeah! No, absolutely. I mean, well, a quiet night in's just-just what the doctor ordered. Watson: Ha-ha-ha! Sarah: Er, I mean, I'd love to go out of an evening and wrestle a few Chinese gangsters, you know, generally, but a girl can get too much. Watson: No, okay. Watson: Hmm. Um, shall we get a takeaway? Sarah: Yeah! On the street, Sherlock is flicking through the pages of the A-Z. Holmes: Page fifteen, entry one. Page fifteen, entry one... Holmes: dad man. You were thrat to kll them. Holmes: It's the first cipher. Holmes: Thirty-seven, nine; thirty-seven, nine... Holmes: Nine mill... for... ( Knock at door ) Watson: Ooh, blimey, that was quick. I'll just pop down. Sarah: Do you want me to lay the table? Watson: Um, eat off trays? Sarah: Yeah. Watson: Yeah! Holmes: Sixty, thirty-five. Holmes: Jade. Jade. Watson: Sorry to keep you. How much d'you want? Chinese Man: Do you have it? Watson: What? Chinese Man: Do you have the treasure? Watson: I don't understand. Holmes: ( Mutters ) "NINE MILL FOR JADE PIN DRAGON DEN BLACK... TRAMWAY." ( Door shuts ) Holmes: John! John! I've got it! Holmes: The cipher! The book! It's the London A to Z that they're using... Opera Singer: "A book is like a magic garden carried in your pocket." Opera Singer: Chinese proverb, Mr. Holmes. Watson: I... I'm not Sherlock Holmes. Opera Singer: Forgive me if I do not take your word for it. Watson: Ow. Ow. Opera Singer: Debit card, name of S. Holmes. Holmes: Take my card. Watson: Yes; that's not actually mine. He lent that to me. Opera Singer: A cheque for five thousand pounds made out in the name of Mr. Sherlock Holmes. Watson: Yeah, he gave me that to look after. Opera Singer: Tickets from the theatre, collected by you, name of Holmes. Watson: Yes, okay... Manager: What's the name? Watson: Uh, Holmes. Watson: I realise what this looks like, but I'm not him. Opera Singer: We heard it from your own mouth. Watson: What? Opera Singer: "I am Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone..." Watson: "... because no-one else can compete with my MASSIVE INTELLECT!" Watson: Did I really say that? Watson: I s'ppose there's no use me trying to persuade you I was doing an impression. Opera Singer: I am Shan. Watson: You're... you're Shan. Opera singer/Shan: Three times we tried to kll you and your companion, Mr. Holmes. What does it tell you when an assassin cannot sht straight? ( gn cocks ) ( gn clicks ) Shan: It tells you that they're not really trying. Holmes: Tramway. Holmes: Oh, Christ. Holmes: There. Shan: Not blank bllts now. Watson: Okay. Shan: If we wanted to kll you, Mr. Holmes, we would have done it by now. We just wanted to make you inquisitive. Shan: Do you have it? Watson: Do I have what? Shan: The treasure. Watson: I don't know what you're talking about. Shan: I would prefer to make certain. Shan: Everything in the West has its price; and the price for her life... Shan: ..information. ( Sarah groans ) Watson: ( Whispers ) Sorry. I'm sorry. Shan: Where's the hairpin? Watson: What? Shan: The Empress pin valued at nine million sterling. We already had a buyer in the West; and then one of our people was greedy. He took it, brought it back to London and you, Mr. Holmes, have been searching. Watson: Please. Please, listen to me. I'm not... I'm not Sherlock Holmes. You have to believe me. I haven't found whatever it is you're looking for. Shan: I need a volunteer from the audience! Watson: No, please. Please. Shan: Ah, thank you, lady. Yes, you'll do very nicely. ( Muffled groans ) Shan: Ladies and gentlemen. From the distant moonlit shores of NW1, we present for your pleasure Sherlock Holmes' pretty companion in a death-defying act. Watson: Please! Shan: You've seen the act before. How dull for you. You know how it ends. Watson: I'm not Sherlock Holmes! Shan: I don't believe you. Holmes: You should, you know. Holmes: Sherlock Holmes is nothing at all like him. Sherlock's voice: How would you describe me, John? Resourceful? Dynamic? Enigmatic? Watson: Late? Sherlock's voice: That's a semi-atmatic. If you fre it, the bllet will travel at over a thousand metres per second. Shan: Well? Sherlock's voice: Well... ( Thump ) Sherlock's voice: ..the radius curvature of these walls is nearly four metres. If you miss, the bllet will ricochet. Could ht anyone. Might even bounce off the tunnel and ht you. ( Whoosh ) ( Thump ) ( Groans ) ( Footsteps recede ) Holmes: It's all right. ( Grunts ) Holmes: You're gonna be all right. It's over now. It's over. Watson: Don't worry. Next date won't be like this. Holmes: We'll just slip off. No need to mention us in your report. Dimmock: Mr. Holmes... Holmes: I have high hopes for you, Inspector. A glittering career. Dimmock: I go where you point me. Holmes: Exactly. Watson: Ta. Watson: So, "Nine mill"... Holmes: Million. Watson: Million, yes; "Nine million for jade pin. Dragon den, black Tramway." Holmes: An instruction to all their London operatives. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: A message; what they were trying to reclaim. Watson: What, a jade pin? Holmes: Worth nine million pounds. Bring it to the Tramway, their London hideout. Watson: Hang on: a hairpin worth nine million pounds? Holmes: Apparently. Watson: Why so much? Holmes: Depends who owned it. Holmes: Two operatives based in London. They travel over to Dalian to smuggle those vases. One of them helps himself to something: a little hairpin. Watson: Worth nine million pounds. Holmes: Eddie Van con was the thief. He stole the treasure when he was in China. Watson: How d'you know it was Van con, not Lukis? Even the kller didn't know that. Holmes: Because of the soap. ( Phone rings ) Amanda: Amanda. Sherlock's voice: He bought you a present. Amanda: Oh. Hello. Sherlock's voice: A little gift when he came back from China. Amanda: How do you know that? Holmes: You weren't just his P.A., were you? Amanda: Someone's been gossiping. Holmes: No. Amanda: Then I don't understand. Why...? Holmes: Scented hand soap in his apartment. Holmes: Three hundred millilitres of it. Bottle almost finished. Amanda: Sorry? Holmes: I don't think Eddie Van co*n was the type of chap to buy himself hand soap – not unless he had a lady coming over. And it's the same brand as that hand cream there on your desk. Amanda: Look, it wasn't serious between us. It was over in a flash. It couldn't last – he was my boss. Holmes: What happened? Why did you end it? Amanda: I thought he didn't appreciate me. Took me for granted. Stood me up once too often – we'd plan to go away for the weekend and then he'd just leave; fly off to China at a moment's notice. Holmes: And he brought you a present from abroad to say sorry. Holmes: Can I... just have a look at it? Sebastian: He really climbed up onto the balcony? Watson: Nail a plank across the window and all your problems are over. Watson: Thanks. Amanda: Said he bought it in a street market. Holmes: Oh, I don't think that's true. I think he pinched it. Amanda: Yeah, that's Eddie. Holmes: Didn't know its value; just thought it would suit you. Amanda: Oh? What's it worth? Holmes: Nine... million... pounds. Amanda: Oh my God! Amanda: Oh my G... Amanda: Nine million! Watson: Over a thousand years old and it's sitting on her bedside table every night. Holmes: He didn't know its value; didn't know why they were chasing him. Watson: Hmm. Should've just got her a lucky cat. Holmes: Hmm. Watson: You mind, don't you? Holmes: What? Watson: That she escaped – General Shan. It's not enough that we got her two henchmen. Holmes: It must be a vast network, John. Thousands of operatives. You and I, we barely scratched the surface. Watson: You cracked the code though Sherlock, and maybe Dimmock can track down all of them now that he knows it. Holmes: No. No. I cracked this code; all the smugglers have to do is pick up another book. Shan: Without you – without your assistance – we would not have found passage into London. You have my thanks. Shan: We did not anticipate... we did not know this man would come – this Sherlock Holmes. Shan: And now your safety is compromised. Shan: I will not reveal your identity.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "01x02 - The Blind Banker"}	foreverdreaming
( Russian Balalaika music plays ) ( Man shouts commands ) Holmes: Just tell me what happened, from the beginning. Berwick: We'd been to a bar – a nice place – and, er, I got chattin' with one of the waitresses, and Karen weren't 'appy with that, so... when we get back to the 'otel, we end up havin' a bit of a ding-dong, don't we? Berwick: ( Sighs ) She was always gettin' at me, sayin' I weren't a real man. Holmes: Wasn't a real man. Berwick: What? Holmes: It's not "weren't", it's "wasn't". Berwick: Oh. Holmes: Go on. Berwick: Well, then I dunno how it happened, but suddenly there's a Knfe in my hands. And, you know, me old man was a butcher, so I know how to handle knives. Berwick: He learned us how to cut up a beast. Holmes: Taught. Berwick: What? Holmes: Taught you how to cut up a beast. Berwick: Yeah, well, then-then I done it. Holmes: Did it. Berwick: ( Shouts ) Did it! sab her... over and over and over, and I looked down and she weren't... Berwick: ..wasn't movin' no more. Berwick: ..any more. Berwick: You've gotta help me. I dunno how it happened, but it was an accident. I swear. Berwick: You've gotta help me, Mr. Holmes! Berwick: Everyone says you're the best. Without you, I'll get hung for this. Holmes: No, no, no, Mr. Berwick, not at all. Holmes: Hanged, yes. Season 1 Episode 3 The Great Game Original air date on August 8, 2010 ( Two gn ) ( Door opens ) ( Inhales ) ( Door shuts ) ( Sighs ) ( gn ) Watson: What the hell are you doing? Holmes: Bored. Watson: What? Holmes: Bored! Watson: No... Holmes: Bored! Bored! Holmes: Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them. Watson: So you take it out on the wall. Holmes: Ah, the wall had it coming. Watson: What about that Russian case? Holmes: Belarus. Open and shut domestic mrder. Not worth my time. Watson: Ah, shame! Watson: Anything in? I'm starving. Watson: Oh, f... Watson: ( Whispers ) It's a head. Watson: A severed head! Holmes: Just tea for me, thanks. Watson: No, there's a head in the fridge. Holmes: Yes. Watson: A bloody head! Holmes: Well, where else was I supposed to put it? Holmes: You don't mind, do you? Holmes: I got it from Bart's morgue. Holmes: I'm measuring the coagulation of saliva after death. Holmes: I see you've written up the taxi driver case. Watson: Er... yes. Holmes: "A Study in Pink." Nice! Watson: Well, you know, pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it? Holmes: Um... no. Watson: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered. Holmes: Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things." Watson: Now hang on a minute. I didn't mean that in a... Holmes: Oh, you meant "spectacularly ignorant" in a nice way! Look, it doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister... Watson: I know... Holmes: ..or who's sleeping with who... Watson: Whether the Earth goes round the Sun... Holmes: Not that again. It's not important. Watson: Not impor...?! Watson: It's primary school stuff. How can you not know that? Holmes: Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it. Watson: "Deleted it"? Holmes: Listen. This is my hard drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful... really useful. Holmes: Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish, and that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters. Do you see? Watson: But it's the solar system! Holmes: Oh, hell! What does that matter?! Holmes: So we go round the Sun! If we went round the Moon, or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference. All that matters to me is the work. Without that, my brain rots. Holmes: Put that in your blog. Or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world! ( Door opens and shuts ) Holmes: Where are you going? Watson: Out. I need some air. Watson: 'Scuse me, Mrs... Mrs Hudson: Oh, sorry, love! ( Chuckles ) Watson: Sorry. Mrs Hudson: Ooh-ooh! Mrs Hudson: Have you two had a little domestic? Mrs Hudson: Ooh, it's a bit nippy out there. He should have wrapped himself up a bit more. Holmes: Look at that, Mrs Hudson. Quiet, calm, peaceful. ( Sighs ) Isn't it hateful? Mrs Hudson: Oh, I'm sure something'll turn up, Sherlock. A nice mrder – that'll cheer you up. Holmes: Can't come too soon. Mrs Hudson: Hey. What've you done to my bloody wall?! Mrs Hudson: I'm putting this on your rent, young man! ( explsin booms ) ( Car alarm beeps ) ( Groaning ) Sarah: Morning! Watson: Oh, mor... Morning. Sarah: See? Told you you should've gone with the lilo. Watson: No, no, no, it's fine. I-I slept fine. It's very kind of you. Sarah: Well, maybe next time I'll let you kip at the end of my bed, you know. Watson: What about the time after that? Newsreader: Experts are hailing it as the artistic find of the century. Newsreader: The last time... Sarah: So, d'you want some breakfast? Watson: Love some. Sarah: Yeah, well you'd better make it yourself, 'cause I'm gonna have a shower! Newsreader: ..it fetched over twenty million pounds. Newsreader: This one is anticipated to do even better. Back now to our main story. There's been a massive explsin in central London. Newsreader: As yet, there are no reports of any casualties, and the police are unable to say if there is any suspicion of trror1st involvement. Watson: Sarah! Newsreader: Police have issued an emergency number... Watson: Sarah! Newsreader: ..for friends and relatives... Watson: Sorry! I've got to run! Watson: 'Scuse me, can I get through? 'Scuse me. Watson: Can I go through? Watson: I live over there. ( Door bangs ) Watson: Sherlock. Sherlock! ( Pizzicato note ) Holmes: John. Watson: I saw it on the telly. Are you okay? Holmes: Hmm? What? Oh, yeah. Fine. Gas leak, apparently. ( Pizzicato note ) Holmes: I can't. Mycroft: "Can't"? Holmes: The stuff I've got on is just too big. I can't spare the time. Mycroft: Never mind your usual trivia. This is of national importance. ( Pizzicato note ) Holmes: How's the diet? Mycroft: Fine. Perhaps you can get through to him, John. Watson: What? Mycroft: I'm afraid my brother can be very intransigent. Holmes: If you're so keen, why don't you investigate it? Mycroft: No, no, no, no, no. I can't possibly be away from the office for any length of time – not with the Korean elections so... Mycroft: Well, you don't need to know about that, do you? Mycroft: Besides, a case like this – it requires... legwork. ( Plucks note ) Holmes: How's Sarah, John? How was the lilo? Mycroft: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa. Holmes: Oh yes, of course. Watson: How...? Oh, never mind. Mycroft: Sherlock's business seems to be booming since you and he became... pals. Mycroft: What's he like to live with? Hellish, I imagine. Watson: I'm never bored. Mycroft: Good! That's good, isn't it? Mycroft: Andrew West, known as Westie to his friends. Mycroft: A civil servant, found dad on the tracks at Battersea Station this morning with his head smashed in. Watson: Jumped in front of a train? Mycroft: Seems the logical assumption. Watson: But...? Mycroft: "But"? Watson: Well, you wouldn't be here if it was just an accident. Mycroft: The MoD is working on a new mssile defence system, the Bruce-Partington Program, it's called. Mycroft: The plans for it were on a memory stick. Watson: ( Chuckles ) That wasn't very clever. Mycroft: It's not the only copy. Watson: Oh. Mycroft: But it is secret. And missing. Watson: Top secret? Mycroft: Very. We think West must have taken the memory stick. We can't possibly risk it falling into the wrong hands. Mycroft: You've got to find those plans, Sherlock. Don't make me order you. Holmes: I'd like to see you try. Mycroft: Think it over. Mycroft: Goodbye, John. Mycroft: See you very soon. ( Repeats notes rapidly ) ( Footsteps fade ) Watson: Why'd you lie? ( Door shuts ) Watson: You've got nothing on – not a single case. That's why the wall took a pounding. Why did you tell your brother you were busy? Holmes: Why shouldn't I? Watson: Oh! Oh, I see. Watson: Sibling rivalry. Now we're getting somewhere. ( Mobile phone rings ) Holmes: Sherlock Holmes. Holmes: Of course. How could I refuse? Holmes: Lestrade. I've been summoned. Coming? Watson: If you want me to. Holmes: Of course. Holmes: I'd be lost without my blogger. Lestrade: You like the funny cases, don't you? The surprising ones. Holmes: Obviously. Lestrade: You've love this. That explsin... Holmes: Gas leak, yes? Lestrade: No. Holmes: No? Lestrade: No. Made to look like one. Watson: What? Lestrade: Hardly anything left of the place except a strong box – a very strong box and inside it was this. Holmes: You haven't opened it? Lestrade: It's addressed to you, isn't it? Lestrade: We've X-rayed it. It's not booby-trapped. Holmes: How reassuring! Holmes: Nice stationery. Bohemian. Lestrade: What? Holmes: From the Czech Republic. No fingerprints? Lestrade: No. Holmes: She used a fountain pen. A Parker Duofold, iridium nib. Watson: "She"? Holmes: Obviously. Watson: Obviously! Watson: But that... That's the phone. The pink phone. Lestrade: What, from the Study in Pink? Holmes: Well, obviously it's not the same phone but it's supposed to look like... Holmes: The Study in Pink? You read his blog? Lestrade: Course I read his blog! We all do. D'you really not know that the Earth goes round the Sun? ( She sniggers ) Holmes: It isn't the same phone. This one's brand new. Holmes: Someone's gone to a lot of trouble to make it look like the same phone, which means your blog has a far wider readership. Voice Alert: You have one new message. ( Five greenwich time signal pips ) Watson: Is that it? Holmes: No. That's not it. ( Phone beeps ) Lestrade: What the hell are we supposed to make of that? An estate agent's photo and the bloody Greenwich pips! Holmes: It's a warning. Watson: A warning? Holmes: Some secret societies used to send dried melon seeds, orange pips, things like that. Five pips. They're warning us it's gonna happen again. Holmes: And I've seen this place before. Watson: H-hang on. What's gonna happen again? Holmes: Boom! Holmes: Mrs Hudson! Mrs Hudson: You had a look, didn't you, Sherlock, when you first came to see about your flat. Holmes: The door's been opened recently. Mrs Hudson: No, can't be. That's the only key. Mrs Hudson: I can't get anyone interested in this flat. It's the damp, I expect. That's the curse of basements. Mrs Hudson: I had a place once when I was first married. Black mould all up the walls... Mrs Hudson: Oh! Men! Watson: Shoes. Watson: He's a bmb, remember. ( Mobile phone rings ) ( Softly ) Hello. ( Ragged breathing over phone ) Holmes: Hello? Woman's voice: H-hello... sexy. Holmes: Who's this? ( Woman sobs ) Woman's voice: I've... sent you... a little puzzle... just to say hi. Holmes: Who's talking? Why are you crying? ( Woman cries ) Woman's voice: I-I'm not... crying... I'm typing... Woman: ..and this... stupid... bitch... is reading it out. Holmes: The curtain rises. Watson: What? Holmes: Nothing. Watson: No, what did you mean? Holmes: I've been expecting this for some time. Woman: Twelve hours to solve... my puzzle, Sherlock... Woman: ..or I'm going... to be... so naughty. Watson: So, who d'you suppose it was? Holmes: Hmm? Watson: The woman on the phone – the crying woman. Holmes: Oh, she doesn't matter. She's just a hostage. No lead there. Watson: For God's sake, I wasn't thinking about leads. Holmes: You're not going to be much use to her. Watson: Are-are they trying to trace it, trace the call? Holmes: The bmb's too smart for that. ( Mobile beeps ) Holmes: Pass me my phone. Watson: Where is it? Holmes: Jacket. Holmes: Careful. Watson: Text from your brother. Holmes: Delete it. Watson: Delete it? Holmes: mssile plans are out of the country now. Nothing we can do about it. Watson: Well, Mycroft thinks there is. He's texted you eight times. Must be important. Holmes: Then why didn't he cancel his dental appointment? Watson: His what? Holmes: Mycroft never texts if he can talk. Look, Andrew West stole the mssile plans, tried to sell them, got his head smashed in for his pains. End of story. The only mystery is this: why is my brother so determined to bore me when somebody else is being so delightfully interesting? Watson: Try and remember there's a woman here who might die. Holmes: What for? Holmes: This hospital's full of people dying, Doctor. Why don't you go and cry by their bedside and see what good it does them? ( Computer beeps ) Holmes: Ah! Molly: Any luck? Holmes: Oh, yes! Moriarty: Oh, sorry. I didn't... Molly: Jim! Hi! Molly: Come in! Come in! Molly: Jim, this is Sherlock Holmes. Moriarty: Ah! Molly: And, uh... sorry. Watson: John Watson. Hi. Moriarty: Hi. Moriarty: So you're Sherlock Holmes. Molly's told me all about you. You on one of your cases? Molly: Jim works in I.T. upstairs. That's how we met. Office romance. ( Jim chuckles ) Holmes: Gay. Molly: Sorry, what? Holmes: Nothing. Um, hey. Moriarty: Hi. ( Clattering ) Moriarty: Sorry. Sorry! Moriarty: Well, I'd better be off. I'll see you at the Fox, 'bout six-ish? Molly: Yeah! Moriarty: 'Bye. Molly: 'Bye. Moriarty: It was nice to meet you. Watson: You too. ( Door opens ) Molly: What d'you mean, gay? We're together. Holmes: And domestic bliss must suit you, Molly. You've put on three pounds since I last saw you. Molly: Two and a half. Holmes: Nuh, three. Watson: Sherlock... Molly: He's not gay. Why d'you have to spoil...? He's not. Holmes: With that level of personal grooming? Watson: Because he puts a bit of product in his hair? I put product in my hair. Holmes: You wash your hair. There's a difference. No-no – tinted eyelashes, clear signs of taurine cream around the frown lines. Those tired clubber's eyes. Then there's his underwear. Molly: His underwear? Holmes: Visible above the waistline – very visible; very particular brand. Holmes: That, plus the extremely suggestive fact that he just left his number under this dish here... and I'd say you'd better break it off now and save yourself the pain. ( Door opens ) Watson: Charming. Well done. Holmes: Just saving her time. Isn't that kinder? Watson: "Kinder"? No, no, Sherlock. That wasn't kind. Holmes: Go on, then. Watson: Mmm? Holmes: You know what I do. Off you go. Watson: No. Holmes: Go on. Watson: I'm not gonna stand here so you can humiliate me while I try and disseminate... Holmes: An outside eye, a second opinion. It's very useful to me. Watson: Yeah, right! Holmes: Really. Watson: Fine. ( Clears throat ) Watson: I dunno, they're just a pair of shoes. Trainers. Holmes: Good. Watson: Umm... they're in good nick. I'd say they were pretty new... except the sole has been well-worn, so the owner must have had them for a while. Watson: Uh, they're very eighties – probably one of those retro designs. Holmes: You're on sparkling form. What else? Watson: Well, they're quite big, so a man's. Holmes: But...? Watson: But there's traces of a name inside in felt-tip. Adults don't write their names inside their shoes, so these belonged to a kid. Holmes: Excellent. What else? Watson: Uh... that's it. Holmes: That's it? Watson: How did I do? Holmes: Well, John; really well. Holmes: I mean, you missed almost everything of importance, but, um, you know... Holmes: The owner loved these. Scrubbed them clean, whitened them where they got discoloured. Changed the laces three... no, four times. Holmes: Even so, there are traces of his flaky skin where his fingers have come into contact with them, so he suffered from eczema. Shoes are well-worn, more so on the inside, which means the owner had weak arches. British-made, twenty years old. Watson: Twenty years? Holmes: They're not retro, they're original. Holmes: Limited edition - two blue stripes, nineteen eighty-nine. Watson: But there's still mud on them. They look new. Holmes: Someone's kept them that way. Quite a bit of mud caked on the soles. Analysis shows it's from Sussex, with London mud overlaying it. Watson: How do you know? Holmes: Pollen. Clear as a map reference to me. Holmes: South of the river, too. So, the kid who owned these trainers came to London from Sussex twenty years ago and left them behind. Watson: So what happened to him? Holmes: Something bad. Holmes: He loved those shoes, remember. He'd never leave them filthy. Wouldn't leave them go unless he had to. So, a child with big feet gets... Holmes: Oh. Watson: What? Holmes: Carl Powers. Watson: Sorry, who? Holmes: Carl Powers, John. Watson: What is it? Holmes: It's where I began. Later, the boys are in the back of a taxi. Holmes: Nineteen eighty-nine, a young kid – champion swimmer – came up from Brighton for a school sports tournament; drowned in the pool. Tragic accident. Holmes: You wouldn't remember it. Why should you? Watson: But you remember. Holmes: Yes. Watson: Something fishy about it? Holmes: Nobody thought so – nobody except me. I was only a kid myself. I read about it in the papers. Watson: Started young, didn't you? Holmes: The boy, Carl Powers, had some kind of fit in the water, but by the time they got him out it was too late. But there was something wrong; something I couldn't get out of my head. Watson: What? Holmes: His shoes. Watson: What about them? Holmes: They weren't there. I made a fuss; I tried to get the police interested, but nobody seemed to think it was important. He'd left all the rest of his clothes in his locker, but there was no sign of his shoes... Holmes: ..until now. ( Clock ticks ) ( Siren wails in distance ) Watson: Can I help? Watson: I want to help. There's only five hours left. ( Mobile beeps ) Watson: It's your brother. He's texting me now. Watson: How does he know my number? Holmes: Must be a root canal. Watson: Look, he did say "national importance". Holmes: How quaint. Watson: What is? Holmes: You are. Queen and country. Watson: You can't just ignore it. Holmes: I'm not ignoring it. Putting my best man onto it right now. Watson: Right. Good! ( Clears throat ) Watson: Who's that? Mycroft: John. How nice. I was hoping you wouldn't be long. Mycroft: How can I help you? Watson: Thank you. Um, well, I was wanting to... um, your brother sent me to collect more facts about the stolen plans - the mssile plans. Mycroft: Did he? Watson: Yes. Watson: He's investigating now. Watson: He's, er, investigating away. Watson: Um, I just wondered what else you can tell me about the dad man. Mycroft: Uh, twenty-seven; a clerk at Vauxhall Cross – er, MI6. He was involved in the Bruce-Partington Programme in a minor capacity. Security checks A-OK; no known trror1st affiliations or sympathies... Mycroft: Last seen by his fiancée at ten thirty yesterday evening. Westie: Lucy, love, I've gotta go out. I've gotta see someone. Lucy: Westie! Watson: Right. He was found at Battersea, yes? So he got on the train. Mycroft: No. Watson: What? Mycroft: He had an Oyster card... Mycroft: ..but it hadn't been used. Watson: Must have bought a ticket. Mycroft: There was no ticket on the body. Watson: Then... Mycroft: Then how did he end up with a bashed-in brain on the tracks at Battersea? That is the question – the one I was rather hoping Sherlock would provide an answer to. How's he getting on? Watson: He-he's fine, yes. Oh, and-and it is going... very well. It's, um, you know – he's completely focussed on it. ( Clock ticks ) Holmes: Poison. Mrs Hudson: What you going on about? Holmes: Clostridium botulinum! Holmes: It's one of the deadliest poisons on the planet! Holmes: Carl Powers! Watson: Oh, wait, are you saying he was mrder? Holmes: Remember the shoelaces? Watson: Mmm. Holmes: The boy suffered from eczema. It'd be the easiest thing in the world to introduce the poison into his medication. Two hours later he comes up to London, the poison takes effect, paralyses the muscles and he drowns. Watson: What – how-how come the autopsy didn't pick that up? Holmes: It's virtually undetectable. Nobody would have been looking for it. Holmes: But there were still tiny traces of it left inside the trainers from where he put the cream on his feet. Holmes: That's why they had to go. Watson: So how do we let the bmb know... Holmes: Get his attention... Watson: Mmm-hmm. Holmes: ..stop the clock. Watson: The kller kept the shoes all these years. Holmes: Yes. Meaning... Watson: He's our bmb. ( Phone rings ) ( Sobs ) Woman: Well done, you. Come and get me. Holmes: Where are you? Tell us where you are. ( Sirens wail ) Lestrade: She lives in Cornwall. Two men broke in wearing masks, forced her to drive to the car park and decked her out in enough explsives to take down a house. Lestrade: Told her to phone you. She had to read out from this pager. Holmes: And if she deviated by one word, the snper would set her off. Watson: Or if you hadn't solved the case. Holmes: Oh... Elegant! Watson: "Elegant"? Lestrade: But what was the point? Why would anyone do this? Holmes: Oh... I can't be the only person in the world that gets bored. ( Mobile phone beeps ) Voice Alert: You have one new message. ( Four greenwich time signal pips ) Watson: Four pips. Holmes: First test passed, it would seem. Here's the second. ( Phone rings ) Holmes: It's abandoned, wouldn't you say? Lestrade: I'll see if it's been reported. Donovan: Freak, it's for you. Holmes: Hello? Young Man: It's okay that you've gone to the police. Holmes: Who is this? Is this you again? Young Man: But don't rely on them. Young Man: Clever you, guessing about Carl Powers. Young Man: I never liked him. ( Traffic roars ) Young Man: Carl laughed at me, so I stopped him laughing. Holmes: And you've stolen another voice, I presume. Young Man: This is about you and me. Holmes: Who are you? Holmes: What's that noise? Young Man: The sounds of life, Sherlock. Young Man: But don't worry... Young Man: ..I can soon fix that. Young Man: You solved my last puzzle in nine hours. This time you have eight. ( Clock ticks ) Lestrade: Okay... Great. Lestrade: We've found it. Lestrade: The car was hired yesterday morning by an Ian Monkford. Banker of some kind; City boy. Paid in cash. Lestrade: Told his wife he was going away on a business trip, but he never arrived. Donovan: You're still hanging round him. Watson: Yeah, well... Donovan: Opposites attract, I suppose. Watson: No, we're not... Donovan: You should get yourself a hobby – stamps, maybe. Model trains. Safer. Lestrade: Before you ask, yes, it's Monkford's blood. The DNA checks out. Holmes: No body. Donovan: Not yet. Holmes: Get a sample sent to the lab. Holmes: Mrs Monkford? Mrs Monkford: Yes. Mrs Monkford: Sorry, but I've already spoken with two policemen. Watson: No, we're not from the police, we're... Holmes: ( Tearfully ) Sherlock Holmes. Very old friend of your husband's. We, um... Holmes: ..we grew up together. Mrs Monkford: I'm sorry, who? I don't think he ever mentioned you. Holmes: Oh, he must have done. This is... this is horrible, isn't it? Holmes: I mean, I just can't believe it. I only saw him the other day. Same old Ian – not a care in the world. Mrs Monkford: Sorry, but my husband has been depressed for months. Who are you? Holmes: Really strange that he hired a car. Why would he do that? It's a bit suspicious, isn't it? Mrs Monkford: No, it isn't. He forgot to renew the tax on the car, that's all. Holmes: Oh, well, that was Ian! That was Ian all over! Mrs Monkford: No it wasn't. Holmes: ( Normal voice ) Wasn't it? Interesting. Mrs Monkford: Who was I talking to? Watson: Why did you lie to her? Holmes: People don't like telling you things, but they love to contradict you. Past tense, did you notice? Watson: Sorry, what? Holmes: I referred to her husband in the past tense. She joined in. Bit premature – they've only just found the car. Watson: You think she mrder her husband? Holmes: Definitely not. That's not a mistake a mrder would make. Watson: I see. No, I don't. What am I seeing? Donovan: Fishing! Try fishing! Watson: Where now? Holmes: Janus Cars. Holmes: Just found this in the glove compartment. ( Clock ticks ) Ewert: Can't see how I can help you gentlemen. Watson: Mr. Monkford hired the car from you yesterday. Ewert: Yeah. Lovely motor. Mazda RX-8. Wouldn't mind one of them myself! Holmes: Is that one? Ewert: No, they're all Jags. Yeah, I can see you're not a car man, eh? Holmes: But, er, surely you can afford one – a Mazda, I mean? Ewert: Yeah, it's a fair point. But you know how it is: it's like working in a sweetshop. Once you start picking at the liquorice allsorts, when does it all stop, eh? Watson: But you didn't know Mr. Monkford? Ewert: No, he was just a client. Came in here and hired one of my cars. No idea what happened to him. Poor sod! Holmes: Nice holiday, Mr. Ewert? Ewert: Eh? Holmes: You've been away, haven't you? Ewert: Oh, the-the... Ewert: No, it's, er, sunbeds, I'm afraid, yeah. Too busy to get away. My wife would love it, though – bit of sun. Holmes: Have you got any change for the cigarette machine? Ewert: What? Holmes: Well, I noticed one on the way in and I haven't got any change. Holmes: I'm gasping. Ewert: Um, well... Ewert: Hmm. Ewert: No, sorry. Holmes: Oh well. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Ewert. Holmes: You've been very helpful. Come on, John. Watson: I-I've got change if you still want to, uh... Holmes: Nicotine patches, remember? I'm doing well. Watson: So what was that all about? Holmes: I needed to look inside his wallet. Watson: Why? Holmes: Mr. Ewert's a liar. ( Phone rings ) Holmes: Hello? Young Man: The clue's in the name - Janus Cars. Holmes: Why would you be giving me a clue? Young Man: Why does anyone do anything? Because I'm bored. We were made for each other, Sherlock. Holmes: Then talk to me in your own voice. Young Man: Patience. ( Clock ticks ) Holmes: How much blood was on that seat, would you say? Lestrade: How much? About a pint. Holmes: Not 'about'. Exactly a pint. That was their first mistake. The blood's definitely Ian Monkford's but it's been frozen. Lestrade: Frozen? Holmes: There are clear signs. I think Ian Monkford gave a pint of his blood some time ago and that's what they spread on the seats. Watson: Who did? Holmes: Janus Cars. The clue's in the name. Watson: The god with two faces. Holmes: Exactly. Watson: Mmm. Holmes: They provide a very special service. If you've got any kind of a problem – money troubles, bad marriage, whatever – Janus Cars will help you disappear. Ian Monkford was up to his eyes in some kind of trouble – financial, at a guess; he's a banker. Couldn't see a way out. But if he were to vanish, if the car he hired was found abandoned with his blood all over the driver's seat... Watson: So where is he? Holmes: Colombia. Lestrade: Colombia?! Holmes: Mr. Ewert of Janus Cars had a twenty thousand Colombian peso note in his wallet... Holmes: ..Quite a bit of change, too. He told us he hadn't been abroad recently, but when I asked him about the cars, I could see his tan line clearly. Holmes: No-one wears a shirt on a sunbed. That, plus his arm. Lestrade: His arm? Holmes: Kept scratching it. Obviously irritating him, and bleeding. Holmes: Why? Because he'd recently had a booster jab. Hep-B, probably. Difficult to tell at that distance. Conclusion: he'd just come back from settling Ian Monkford into his new life in Columbia. Mrs Monkford cashes in the life insurance and she splits it with Janus Cars. Watson: M-Mrs Monkford? Holmes: Oh yes. She's in on it too. Holmes: Now go and arrest them, Inspector. That's what you do best. Holmes: We need to let our friendly bmb know that the case is solved. Holmes: I am on fre! ( Mobile rings ) Young Man: He says you can come and fetch me. Help. Help me, please. Holmes: Feeling better? Watson: Mmm. You realise we've hardly stopped for breath since this thing started? Watson: Has it occurred to you...? Holmes: Probably. Watson: No – has it occurred to you that the bmb's playing a game with you? The envelope; breaking into the other flat; the dad kid's shoes – it's all meant for you. Holmes: Yes, I know. Watson: Is it him, then? Moriarty? Holmes: Perhaps. ( Mobile phone beeps ) ( Three pips ) Holmes: That could be anybody. Watson: Well, it could be, yeah. Lucky for you, I've been more than a little unemployed. Holmes: How d'you mean? Watson: Lucky for you, Mrs Hudson and I watch far too much telly. Connie: Thank you, Tyra! Doesn't she look lovely, everybody, now? ( Mobile phone rings ) Connie: Anyway, speaking of silk purses and sows' ears... Holmes: Hello? Old Woman: This one... is a bit... defective. Sorry. Old Woman: She's blind. This is... a funny one. Old Woman: I'll give you... twelve hours. ( Clock ticks ) Holmes: Why are you doing this? Old Woman: I like... to watch you... dance. ( Gasps ) Connie: ..and I see you're back to your bad habits. News Reader: ..continuing into the sudden death of the popular TV personality, Connie Prince. Miss Prince, famous for her make-over programmes, was found dad two days ago by her brother in the house they shared in Hampstead... Lestrade: Connie Prince, fifty-four. She had one of those make-over shows on the telly. Did you see it? Holmes: No. Lestrade: Very popular. She was going places. Holmes: Not any more. So, dad two days. According to one of her staff, Raoul de Santos, she cut her hand on a rusty nail in the garden. Nasty wound. Holmes: Tetanus bacteria enters the bloodstream, good night, Vienna. Watson: I suppose. Holmes: Something's wrong with this picture. Lestrade: Eh? Holmes: Can't be as simple as it seems, otherwise the bmb wouldn't be directing us towards it. Something's wrong. Holmes: John? Watson: Mmm. Holmes: The cut on her hand: it's deep; would have bled a lot, right? Watson: Yeah. Holmes: But the wound's clean – very clean, and fresh. Holmes: How long would the bacteria have been incubating inside her? Watson: Eight, ten days. Watson: The cut was made later. Lestrade: After she was dad? Holmes: Must have been. The only question is, how did the tetanus enter the dad woman's system? Holmes: You want to help, right? Watson: Of course. Holmes: Connie Prince's background – family history, everything. Give me data. Watson: Right. Lestrade: There's something else that we haven't thought of. Holmes: Is there? Lestrade: Yes. Why is he doing this, the bmb? Lestrade: If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it out? Holmes: Good Samaritan. Lestrade: ..who press-gangs su1c1de bmb? Holmes: Bad Samaritan. Lestrade: I'm – I'm serious, Sherlock. Listen, I'm cutting you slack here, I'm trusting you – but out there somewhere, some poor bastard's covered in Semtex and is just waiting for you to solve the puzzle. So just tell me - what are we dealing with? Holmes: Something new. ( Clock ticks ) Holmes: Connection, connection, connection. There must be a connection. Holmes: Carl Powers, klled twenty years ago. The bmb knew him; admitted that he knew him. The bmb's iPhone was in stationery from the Czech Republic. First hostage from Cornwall; the second from London; the third from Yorkshire, judging by her accent. What's he doing – working his way round the world? Showing off? ( Mobile phone rings ) Old Woman: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Joining the... dots. Old Woman: Three hours. ( Clock ticks ) Boom... boom. ( Sobs ) ( Phone rings off ) ( Clicks phone off ) ( Cat miaows ) Kenny: We're devastated. Of course we are. Raoul: Can I get you anything, sir? Watson: Er, no. No, thanks. Kenny: Raoul is my rock. I don't think I could have managed. Kenny: We didn't always see eye to eye, but my sister was very dear to me. ( Cat miaows ) Watson: And– and to the public, Mr. Prince. Kenny: Oh, she was adored. I've seen her take girls who looked like the back end of Routemasters and turn them into princesses. Kenny: Still, it's a relief in a way to know that she's beyond this veil of tears. ( Cat purrs ) Watson: Absolutely. Holmes: Great. Thank you. Thanks again. Mrs Hudson: It was a real shame. I liked her. She taught you how to do your colours. Lestrade: Colours? Mrs Hudson: You know... what goes best with what. I should never wear cerise, apparently. Drains me. Lestrade: Who was that? Holmes: Home Office. [Good grief – he wasn't after a posh party invite, was he?] Lestrade: Home Office? Holmes: Well, Home Secretary, actually. Owes me a favour. Mrs Hudson: She was a pretty girl but she messed about with herself too much. They all do these days. Mrs Hudson: People can hardly move their faces. It's silly, isn't it?! ( Laughs ) Mrs Hudson: Did you ever see her show? Holmes: Not until now. Connie: You look pasty, love! Kenny: Ah. Rained every day but one! Mrs Hudson: That's the brother. No love lost there, if you can believe the papers. Holmes: So I gather. I've just been having a very fruitful chat with people who loved this show. Fan sites – indispensible for gossip. Connie: There's really only one thing we can do with that ensemble, don't you think, girls? Connie: Off, off, off, off, off, off, off! ( Audience joins in chanting ) Watson: It's more common than people think. The tetanus is in the soil, people cut themselves on rose bushes, garden forks, that sort of thing. If left un... Watson: ..treated... Kenny: I don't know what I'm going to do now. Watson: Right. Kenny: I mean, she's left me this place, which is lovely... Kenny: ..but it's not the same without her. Watson: Th-that's why my paper wanted to get the, um, the full story straight from the horse's mouth. You sure it's not too soon? Kenny: No. Watson: Right. Kenny: You fre away. ( Cat miaows ) ( Mobile phone rings ) Holmes: John. Watson: Hi. Look, get over here quickly. I think I'm onto something. You'll need to pick up some stuff first. You got a pen? Holmes: I'll remember. Watson: That'll be him. Kenny: What? Holmes: Ah, Mr. Prince, isn't it? Kenny: Yes. Holmes: Very good to meet you. Kenny: Yes; thank you. Holmes: So sorry to hear about... Kenny: Yes, yes, very kind. Watson: Shall we, er... ( Clears throat ) Watson: You were right. The bacteria got into her another way. Holmes: Oh yes? Watson: Yes. Kenny: Right. We all set? Watson: Um, yes. Watson: Can you...? Kenny: Not too close. I'm raw from crying. ( Cat miaows ) Holmes: Oh, who's this? Kenny: Sekhmet. Named after the Egyptian goddess. Holmes: How nice! Was she Connie's? Kenny: Yes. Kenny: Little present from yours truly. Watson: Sherlock? Uh, light reading? Holmes: Oh, um... Holmes: Two point eight. Kenny: Bloody hell. What do you think you're playing at?! Holmes: Sorry. Kenny: You're like Laurel and bloody Hardy, you two. What's going on? Watson: Actually, I think we've got what we came for. Excuse us. Kenny: What? Watson: Sherlock. Holmes: What? Watson: We've got deadlines. Kenny: But you've not taken anything! Watson: ( Laughs ) Yes! Ooh, yes! Holmes: You think it was the cat. It wasn't the cat. Watson: What? No, yes. Yeah, it is. It must be. It's how they got the tetanus into her system. Its paws stink of disinfectant. Holmes: Lovely idea. Watson: No, he coated it onto the paws of her cat. It's a new pet, bound to be a bit jumpy around her. A scratch is almost inevitable. She wouldn't have... Holmes: I thought of it the minute I saw the scratches on her arm, but it's too random and too clever for the brother. Watson: He mrder his sister for her money. Holmes: Did he? Watson: Didn't he? Holmes: No. It was revenge. Watson: Revenge? Who wanted revenge? Holmes: Raoul, the houseboy. Kenny Prince was the butt of his sister's jokes, week in, week out, a virtual bullying campaign. Finally he had enough; fell out with her badly. It's all on the website. She thrat to disinherit Kenny. Raoul had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, so... Watson: No, wait, wait. Wait a second. Watson: What about the disinfectant, then, on the cat's claws? Holmes: Raoul keeps a very clean house. You came through the kitchen door, saw the state of that floor, scrubbed to within an inch of its life. You smell of disinfectant now. No, the cat doesn't come into it. Holmes: Raoul's Internet records do, though. Hope we can get a cab from here. ( Clock ticks ) Holmes: Raoul de Santos is your kller. Kenny Prince's houseboy. Second autopsy shows it wasn't tetanus that poisoned Connie Prince, it was botulinum toxin. Holmes: We've been here before. Carl Powers? Tut-tut. Our bmb's repeated himself. Lestrade: So how'd he do it? Holmes: Botox injection. Lestrade: Botox? Holmes: Botox is a diluted form of botulinum. Among other things, Raoul de Santos was employed to give Connie her regular facial injections. My contact at the Home Office gave me the complete records of Raoul's Internet purchases. He's been bulk ordering Botox for months. Holmes: Bided his time, then upped the strength to a fatal dose. Lestrade: You sure about this? Holmes: I'm sure. Lestrade: All right – my office. Watson: Hey, Sherlock. How long? Holmes: What? Watson: How long have you known? Holmes: Well, this one was quite simple, actually, and like I said, the bmb repeated himself. That was a mistake. Watson: No, but Sherl... The hostage... the old woman. She's been there all this time. Holmes: I knew I could save her. I also knew that the bmb had given us twelve hours. I solved the case quickly; that gave me time to get on with other things. Don't you see? We're one up on him! ( Mobile phone rings ) Holmes: Hello? Old Woman: Help me. Holmes: Tell us where you are. Address. Old Woman: He was so... His voice... Holmes: No, no, no, no. Tell me nothing about him. Nothing. Old Woman: He sounded so... soft. ( Dialling tone ) Holmes: Hello? Lestrade: Sherlock? Watson: What's happened? News Reader: The explsin, which ripped through several floors, klling twelve people... Watson: Old block of flats. News Reader: ..is said to have been caused by a faulty gas main. A spokesman from the utilities company... Watson: He certainly gets about. Holmes: Well, obviously I lost that round, although technically I did solve the case. Holmes: He klled the old lady because she started to describe him. Holmes: Just once, he put himself in the fring line. Watson: What d'you mean? Holmes: Well, usually, he must stay above it all. He organises these things but no-one ever has direct contact. Watson: What... like the Connie Prince mrder – he-he arranged that? So people come to him wanting their crimes fixed up, like booking a holiday? Holmes: Novel. Watson: Huh. Holmes: Taking his time this time. ( Watson clears his throat ) Watson: Anything on the Carl Powers case? Holmes: Nothing. All the living classmates check out spotless. No connection. Watson: Maybe the kller was older than Carl? Holmes: The thought had occurred. Watson: So why's he doing this, then – playing this game with you? D'you think he wants to be caught? Holmes: I think he wants to be distracted. Watson: I hope you'll be very happy together. Holmes: Sorry, what? Watson: There are lives at stake, Sherlock – actual human lives... Just - just so I know, do you care about that at all? Holmes: Will caring about them help save them? Watson: Nope. Holmes: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake. Watson: And you find that easy, do you? Holmes: Yes, very. Is that news to you? Watson: No. No. Holmes: I've disappointed you. Watson: That's good, that's a good deduction, yeah. Holmes: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them. ( Mobile phone beeps ) Holmes: Excellent! Holmes: View of the Thames. South Bank – somewhere between Southwark Bridge and Waterloo. Holmes: You check the papers; I'll look online... Holmes: Oh, you're angry with me, so you won't help. Holmes: Not much cop, this caring lark. ( Siren outside ) Watson: Archway su1c1de. Holmes: Ten a penny. Watson: Two kids sab in Stoke Newington. Watson: Ah. Man found on the train line, Andrew West. Holmes: Nothing! ( Ringing tone ) Holmes: It's me. Have you found anything on the South Bank between Waterloo Bridge and Southwark Bridge? Lestrade: D'you reckon this is connected, then? The bmb? Holmes: Must be. Odd, though... he hasn't been in touch. Lestrade: But we must assume that some poor bugger's primed to explode, yeah? Holmes: Yes. Lestrade: Any ideas? Holmes: Seven... so far. Lestrade: Seven?! Watson: He's dad about twenty-four hours – maybe a bit longer. Did he drown? Lestrade: Apparently not. Not enough of the Thames in his lungs. Asphyxiated. Watson: Yes, I'd agree. Watson: There's quite a bit of bruising around the nose and mouth. More bruises here and here. Holmes: Fingertips. Watson: In his late thirties, I'd say. Not in the best condition. Holmes: He's been in the river a long while. The water's destroyed most of the data. Holmes: But I'll tell you one thing: that lost Vermeer painting's a fake. Lestrade: What? Holmes: We need to identify the corpse. Find out about his friends and associates... Lestrade: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. What painting? What are you – what are you on about? Holmes: It's all over the place. Haven't you seen the posters? Dutch Old Master, supposed to have been destroyed centuries ago; now it's turned up. Worth thirty million pounds. Lestrade: Okay. So what has that got to do with the stiff? Holmes: Everything. Have you ever heard of the Golem? Lestrade: Golem? Watson: It's a horror story, isn't it? What are you saying? Holmes: Jewish folk story. A gigantic man made of clay. It's also the name of an assassin. Real name: Oskar Dzundza. One of the deadliest assassins in the world. Holmes: That is his trademark style. Lestrade: So this is a ht? Holmes: Definitely. The Golem squeezes the life out of his victims with his bare hands. Lestrade: But what has this gotta do with that painting? I don't see... Holmes: You do see, you just don't observe. Watson: All right, all right, girls, calm down. Sherlock? D'you wanna take us through it? Holmes: What do we know about this corpse? The kller's not left us with much, just the shirt and the trousers. They're pretty formal, maybe he was going out for the night. The trousers are heavy duty. Polyester, nasty, same as the shirt, cheap. They're both too big for him. So some kind of standard-issue uniform. Dressed for work, then. What kind of work? There's a hook on his belt... for a walkie-talkie. Lestrade: Tube driver? Watson: Security guard? Holmes: More likely. That'll be borne out by his backside. Lestrade: Backside?! Holmes: Flabby. You'd think that he'd led a sedentary life, yet the soles of his feet and the nascent varicose veins in his legs show otherwise. So, a lot of walking and a lot of sitting around. Security guard's looking good. And the watch helps, too. The alarm shows he did regular night shifts. Lestrade: Why regular? Maybe he just set his alarm like that the night before he died? Holmes: No, no, no. The buttons are stiff, hardly touched. He set his alarm like that a long time ago. His routine never varied. But there's something else. The kller must have been interrupted, otherwise he would have stripped the corpse completely. There was some kind of badge or insignia on the shirt front that he tore off, suggesting the dad man worked somewhere recognisable, some kind of institution. Holmes: Found this inside his trouser pockets. Holmes: Sodden by the river but still recognisably... Watson: Tickets? Holmes: Ticket stubs. He worked in a museum or gallery. Did a quick check. The Hickman Gallery has reported one of its attendants as missing. Holmes: Alex Woodbridge. Tonight they unveil the re-discovered masterpiece. Now why would anyone want to pay the Golem to suffocate a perfectly ordinary gallery attendant? Inference, the dad man knew something about it, something that would stop the owner getting paid thirty million pounds. The picture's a fake. Watson: Fantastic. Holmes: Meretricious. Lestrade: And a Happy New Year! Watson: Poor sod. Lestrade: I'd better get my feelers out for this Golem character. Holmes: Pointless. You'll never find him. But I know a man who can. Lestrade: Who? Holmes: Me. Holmes: Why hasn't he phoned? He's broken his pattern. Why? Holmes: Waterloo Bridge. Watson: Where now? The Gallery? Holmes: In a bit. Watson: The Hickman's contemporary art, isn't it? Why have they got hold of an old master? Holmes: Dunno. Dangerous to jump to conclusions. Need data... Holmes: Stop! Holmes: You wait here. I won't be a moment. Watson: Sherlock? Homeless Girl: Change? Any change? Holmes: What for? Homeless Girl: Cup of tea, of course. Holmes: Here you go, a fifty. Homeless Girl: Thanks. Watson: What are you doing? Holmes: Investing. Holmes: Now we go to the Gallery. Holmes: Have you got any cash? Holmes: No. I need you to find out all you can about the gallery attendant. Lestrade will give you the address. Watson: Okay. Julie: We'd been sharing about a year. Just sharing. Watson: Mmm. Watson: May I? Julie: Yeah. Watson: Sorry. Watson: Stargazer, was he? Julie: God, yeah. Mad about it. It's all he ever did in his spare time. Julie: He was a nice guy, Alex. I liked him. Julie: He was, er, never much of a one for hoovering. Watson: What about art? Did he know anything about that? Julie: It was just a job, you know? Watson: Hmm. Watson: Has anyone else been round asking about Alex? Julie: No. We had a break-in, though. Watson: Hmm? When? Julie: Last night. There was nothing taken. Oh, there was a message left for Alex on the landline. Watson: Who was it from? Julie: Well, I can play it for you if you like. I'll get the phone... Watson: Please. ( Phone beeps ) Woman's voice: Oh, should I speak now? Alex? Love, it's Professor Cairns. Listen, you were right. You were bloody right! Give us a call when... Watson: Professor Cairns? Julie: No, no idea, sorry. Watson: Mmm. Can I try and ring back? Julie: Well, no good. I mean, I've had other calls since. Sympathy ones, you know. ( Phone rings ) Miss Wenceslas: Don't you have something to do? Holmes: Just admiring the view. Miss Wenceslas: Yes. Lovely. Now get back to work; we open tonight. Holmes: Doesn't it bother you? Miss Wenceslas: What? Holmes: That the painting's a fake. Miss Wenceslas: What? Holmes: It's a fake. It has to be. It's the only possible explanation. Holmes: You're in charge, aren't you, Miss Wenceslas? Miss Wenceslas: Who are you? Holmes: Alex Woodbridge knew that the painting was a fake, so somebody sent the Golem to take care of him. Was it you? Miss Wenceslas: Golem? What the hell are you talking about? Holmes: Or are you working for someone else? Did you fake it for them? Miss Wenceslas: It's not a fake. Holmes: It is a fake. Don't know why, but there's something wrong with it. There has to be. Miss Wenceslas: What the hell are you on about? You know, I could have you sacked on the spot. Holmes: Not a problem. Miss Wenceslas: No? Holmes: No. I don't work here, you see. Just popped in to give you a bit of friendly advice. Miss Wenceslas: How did you get in? Holmes: Please. Miss Wenceslas: I want to know. Holmes: The art of disguise is knowing how to hide in plain sight. Miss Wenceslas: Who are you? Holmes: Sherlock Holmes. Miss Wenceslas: Am I supposed to be impressed? Holmes: You should be. Holmes: Have a nice day! ( Door creaks ) Lucy: He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. Watson: Well, stranger things have happened. Lucy: Westie wasn't a traitor. It's a horrible thing to say! Watson: I'm sorry, but you must understand that's... Lucy: That's what they think, isn't it, his bosses? Watson: He was a young man, about to get married. He had debts... Lucy: Everyone's got debts, and Westie wouldn't wanna clear them by selling out his country. Watson: Can you, erm...? Can you tell me exactly what happened that night? Lucy: We were having a night in. Just... watching a DVD. Lucy: He normally falls asleep, you know, but he sat through this one. He was quiet. Lucy: Out of the blue, he said he just had to go and see someone. Watson: And you've no idea who? Joe: Oh, hi, Luce. You okay, love? Lucy: Yeah. Joe: Who's this? Watson: John Watson. Hi. Lucy: This is my brother, Joe. John's trying to find out what happened to Westie, Joe. Joe: You with the police? Watson: Uh, sort of, yeah. Joe: Well, tell 'em to get off their arses, will you? It's bloody ridiculous. Watson: I'll do my best. Watson: ( Clears throat ) Well, er, thanks very much for your help. Again, I'm very, very sorry. Lucy: He didn't steal those things, Mr. Watson. Lucy: I knew Westie. He was a good man. He was my good man. Homeless Girl: Spare change? Any spare change? Watson: Alex Woodbridge didn't know anything special about art. Holmes: And? Watson: And... Holmes: Is that it? No habits, hobbies, personality? Watson: No, give us a chance! He was an amateur astronomer. Holmes: Hold that cab. Homeless Girl: Spare change, sir? Holmes: Don't mind if I do. Watson: Can you wait here? Holmes: Fortunately, I haven't been idle. Holmes: Come on. Holmes: Beautiful, isn't it? Watson: I thought you didn't care about things like that. Holmes: Doesn't mean I can't appreciate it. Watson: Listen, Alex Woodbridge had a message on the answerphone at his flat. A Professor Cairns? Holmes: This way. Watson: Nice! Nice part of town. Er, any time you wanna explain. Holmes: Homeless network – really is indispensible. Watson: Homeless network? Holmes: My eyes and ears all over the city. Watson: Ah, that's... clever. So you scratch their backs and...? Holmes: Yes, then I disinfect myself. Watson: Sherlock! Holmes: Come on! Watson: What's he doing sleeping rough? Holmes: Well, he has a very distinctive look. He has to hide somewhere where tongues won't wag – much. Watson: Oh shi... Holmes: What? Watson: I wish I'd... Holmes: Don't mention it. Holmes: No! No! No! No! ( Tyres squeal ) It'll take us weeks to find him again. Watson: Or not. I have an idea where he might be going. Holmes: What? Watson: I told you: someone left Alex Woodbridge a message. There can't be that many Professor Cairns in the book. Come on. Narrator: Jupiter, the fifth planet in our solar system and the largest. Jupiter is a gas giant. Planet Earth would fit into it eleven times. Cairns: Yes, we know that. ( Tape spools ) Narrator: Titan is the largest moon. Cairns: Come on, Neptune, where're you hiding? Narrator: Many are actually long dad... Cairns: Tom? Is that you? Narrator: ..exploded into supernovas. Narrator: Discovered by Urbain Le Verrier in eighteen forty-six... Cairns: Oh my God! Narrator: ..composed mainly of hydrogen. ( She struggles ) Their light takes so long to reach us... Holmes: Golem! Narrator: ..many are actually long-dad, exploded into supernovas. ( Tape spools ) Watson: I can't see him. I'll go round. I'll go! Holmes: Who are you working for this time, Dzundza? Watson: Golem! ( Cocks gn ) Watson: Let him go... or I will kll you. ( Tape spools ) Narrator: The fourth planet of the solar system, named after the Roman God of wr. ...it is a gas giant... ..takes so long to reach us... ( Film spools ) ..into supernovas... long dad, exploded into supernovas... Holmes: It's a fake. It has to be. Miss Wenceslas: That painting has been subjected to every test known to science. Holmes: It's a very good fake, then. Holmes: You know about this, don't you? This is you, isn't it? Miss Wenceslas: Inspector, my time is being wasted. Would you mind showing yourself and your friends out? ( Phone rings ) Holmes: The painting is a fake. Holmes: It's a fake. That's why Woodbridge and Cairns were klled. Holmes: Oh, come on. Proving it's just the detail. The painting is a fake. I've solved it. I've figured it out. It's a fake! That's the answer. That's why they were klled. Holmes: Okay, I'll prove it. Give me time. Will you give me time? ( Clock ticks ) Boy's voice: Ten... Lestrade: It's a kid. Oh, God, it's a kid! Watson: What did he say? Holmes: "Ten." Boy's voice: Nine... Holmes: It's a countdown. He's giving me time. Lestrade: Jesus! Holmes: The painting is a fake, but how can I prove it? How? How? Boy's voice: Eight... Holmes: This kid will die. Tell me why the painting is a fake. Tell me! Boy's voice: Seven... Holmes: No, shut up. Don't say anything. It only works if I figure it out. Holmes: Must be possible. Must be staring me in the face. Boy's voice: Six... Watson: Come on. Holmes: Woodbridge knew, but how? Boy's voice: Five... Lestrade: It's speeding up! Watson: Sherlock. Holmes: Oh! Boy's voice: Four... Holmes: In the planetarium, You heard it too. Oh, that is brilliant; that is gorgeous! Boy's voice: Three... Watson: What's brilliant? What is? Holmes: This is beautiful. I love this! Boy's voice: Two... Lestrade: Sherlock! Holmes: The Van Buren Supernova! ( Ticking stops ) Boy's voice: Please. Is somebody there? Boy's voice: Somebody help me! Holmes: There you go. Go find out where he is and pick him up. Holmes: The Van Buren Supernova, so-called. Exploding star, only appeared in the sky in eighteen fifty-eight. Watson: So how could it have been painted in the sixteen forties? ( Phone beeps ) Watson: Oh... Watson: Oh Sherl... Holmes: You know, it's interesting. Bohemian stationery, an assassin named after a Prague legend, and you, Miss Wenceslas. This whole case has a distinctly Czech feeling about it. Is that where this leads? Holmes: What are we looking at, Inspector? Lestrade: Well, um, criminal conspiracy, fraud, accessory after the fact at the very least. The mrder of the old woman, all the people in the flats... Miss Wenceslas: I didn't know anything about that! All those things, please, believe me. Miss Wenceslas: I just wanted my share. The thirty million. ( She sighs ) Miss Wenceslas: I found a little old man in Argentina. A genius - I mean, really. Brushwork, immaculate. Could fool anyone. Holmes: Mmm. Miss Wenceslas: Well, nearly anyone. But I didn't know how to go about convincing the world the picture was genuine. It was just an idea. A spark which he blew into a flame. Holmes: Who? Miss Wenceslas: I don't know. ( Lestrade laughs ) Miss Wenceslas: It's true! I mean, it took a long time, but eventually I was... put in touch with people... his people... Miss Wenceslas: Well, there was never any real contact. Just messages... whispers. Holmes: And did those whispers have a name? Miss Wenceslas: Moriarty. Watson: So this is where West was found? Tube Guard: Yeah. Watson: Uh-huh. Tube Guard: You gonna be long? Watson: I might be. Tube Guard: You with the police, then? Watson: Sort of. Tube Guard: I hate 'em. Watson: The police? Tube Guard: No. Jumpers. [Be careful, there, son. You don't insult jumpers in John Watson's presence.] Tube Guard: People who chuck themselves in front of trains. Selfish bastards. Watson: Well, that's one way of looking at it. Tube Guard: I mean it. It's all right for them. It's over in a split second, strawberry jam all over the lines. What about the drivers, eh? They've gotta live with it, haven't they? Watson: Yeah, speaking of strawberry jam, there's no blood on the line. Has it been cleaned off? Tube Guard: No, there wasn't that much. Watson: You said his head was smashed in. Tube Guard: Well, it was, but there wasn't much blood. Watson: Okay. Tube Guard: Well, I'll leave you to it then. Tube Guard: Just give us a shout when you're off. Watson: Right. Watson: Right, so, uh, Andrew West got on the train somewhere, or did he? There's no ticket on the body. Then how did he end up here? ( Clanking ) Holmes: Points. Watson: Yes! Holmes: Knew you'd get there eventually. West wasn't klled here; that's why there was so little blood. Watson: How long have you been following me? Holmes: Since the start. You don't think I'd give up on a case like this just to spite my brother, do you? Holmes: Come on. Got a bit of burglary to do. Holmes: The mssile defence plans haven't left the country, otherwise Mycroft's people would have heard about it. Despite what people think, we do still have a Secret Service. Watson: Yeah, I know. I've met them. Holmes: Which means whoever stole the memory stick can't sell it or doesn't know what to do with it. My money's on the latter. We're here. Watson: Where? Watson: Sherlock! What if there's someone in? Holmes: There isn't. Watson: Jesus... Watson: Where are we? Holmes: Oh, sorry, didn't I say? Joe Harrison's flat. Watson: Joe...? Holmes: Brother of West's fiancée. Holmes: He stole the memory stick, klled his prospective brother-in-law. Watson: Then why'd he do it? ( Keys rattling ) Holmes: Let's ask him. Watson: Don't! Watson: Don't. Joe: It wasn't meant to... Joe: God. What's Lucy gonna say? Jesus. Watson: Why did you kll him? Joe: It was an accident. Joe: I swear it was. Holmes: But stealing the plans for the mssile defence programme wasn't an accident, was it? Joe: I started dealing drugs. I mean, the bike thing's a great cover, right? I dunno-– I dunno how it started. I just got out of my depth. I owed people thousands. Serious people. Then at Westie's engagement do, he starts talking about his job. Joe: I mean, usually he's so careful, but that night after a few pints he really opened up. He told me about these mssile plans – beyond top secret. He showed me the memory stick; he waved it in front of me. You hear about these things getting lost, ending up on rubbish tips and what-not. And there it was, and I thought... Well, I thought it could be worth a fortune. Joe: It was pretty easy to get the thing off him, he was so plastered. Next time I saw him, I could tell by the look on his face that he knew. Westie: I know you took it. Joe: What are you doin' 'ere? Westie: What have you done with it? Joe: What are you talking about? Westie: What have you done with the plans? Watson: What happened? Joe: I was gonna call an ambulance, but it was too late. Joe: I just didn't have a clue what to do, so I dragged him in 'ere, and I just sat in the dark, thinking. Holmes: When a neat little idea popped into your head. Holmes: Carrying Andrew West way away from here. His body would have gone on for ages if the train hadn't met a stretch of track that curved. Watson: And points. Holmes: Exactly. Watson: D'you still have it, then? The memory stick? Holmes: Fetch it for me – if you wouldn't mind. Holmes: Distraction over, the game continues. Watson: Well, maybe that's over, too. We've heard nothing from the bmb. Holmes: Five pips, remember, John? It's a countdown. We've only had four. ( Shouting on television ) Holmes: No, no, no! Of course he's not the boy's father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans! Watson: Knew it was dangerous. Holmes: Hm? Watson: Getting you into crap telly. Holmes: Hm. Not a patch on Connie Prince. Watson: Have you given Mycroft the memory stick yet? Holmes: Yep. He was over the moon. thrat me with a knighthood... again. Watson: You know, I'm still waiting. Holmes: Hm? Watson: For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you'd have cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker. Holmes: Didn't do you any good, did it? Watson: No, but I'm not the world's only consulting detective. Holmes: True. Watson: I won't be in for tea. I'm going to Sarah's. There's still some of that risotto left in the fridge. Holmes: Mm! Watson: Uh, milk. We need milk. Holmes: I'll get some. Watson: Really? Holmes: Really. Watson: And some beans, then? Holmes: Mm. ( Door closes ) ( Footsteps ) Holmes: Brought you a little getting-to-know-you present. Oh, that's what it's all been for, hasn't it? All your little puzzles; making me dance – all to distract me from this. Watson: Evening. Watson: This is a turn-up, isn't it, Sherlock? Holmes: John. What the hell...? Watson: Bet you never saw this coming. Watson: What... would you like me... to make him say... next? Watson: Gottle o' gear... gottle o' gear... gottle o' gear. Holmes: Stop it. Watson: Nice touch, this. The pool where little Carl died. I stopped him. I can stop John Watson too. Stop his heart. Holmes: Who are you? ( Door opens ) Voice: I gave you my number. Voice: I thought you might call. Moriarty: Is that British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket... Moriarty: ..or are you just pleased to see me? Holmes: Both. Moriarty: Jim Moriarty. Hi! Moriarty: Jim? Jim from the hospital? Moriarty: Oh. Did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then, I suppose, that was rather the point. Moriarty: Don't be silly. Someone else is holding the rfle. I don't like getting my hands dirty. Moriarty: I've given you a glimpse, Sherlock, just a teensy glimpse of what I've got going on out there in the big bad world. I'm a specialist, you see... Moriarty: ..like you! Holmes: "Dear Jim. Please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lover's nasty sister?" Holmes: "Dear Jim. Please will you fix it for me to disappear to South America?" Moriarty: Just so. Holmes: Consulting criminal. Brilliant. Moriarty: Isn't it? No-one ever gets to me... and no-one ever will. Holmes: I did. ( Cocks gn ) Moriarty: You've come the closest. Now you're in my way. Holmes: Thank you. Moriarty: Didn't mean it as a compliment. Holmes: Yes you did. Moriarty: Yeah, okay, I did. But the flirting's over, Sherlock... ( Singsong ) Daddy's had enough now! Moriarty: I've shown you what I can do. I cut loose all those people, all those little problems, even thirty million quid just to get you to come out and play. Moriarty: So take this as a friendly warning, my dear. Back off. Moriarty: Although I have loved this – this little game of ours. Playing Jim from I.T. Playing gay. Did you like the little touch with the underwear? Holmes: People have died. Moriarty: ( Shouting ) That's what people DO! Holmes: I will stop you. Moriarty: No you won't. Holmes: You all right? Moriarty: You can talk, Johnny-boy. Go ahead. Holmes: Take it. Moriarty: Huh? Oh! That! Moriarty: The mssile plans! Moriarty: Boring! Moriarty: I could have got them anywhere. Watson: Sherlock, run! Moriarty: ( Laughs ) Good! Very good. Watson: If your snper pulls that trigger, Mr. Moriarty, then we both go up. Moriarty: Isn't he sweet? I can see why you like having him around. But then people do get so sentimental about their pets. Moriarty: They're so touchingly loyal. But, oops! Moriarty: You've rather shown your hand there, Doctor Watson. Moriarty: Gotcha! Moriarty: Westwood! Moriarty: D'you know what happens if you don't leave me alone, Sherlock, to you? Holmes: Oh, let me guess: I get klled. Moriarty: kll you? N-no, don't be obvious. I mean, I'm gonna kll you anyway some day. I don't wanna rush it, though. I'm saving it up for something special. No-no-no-no-no. If you don't stop prying, I'll burn you. Moriarty: I'll burn the heart out of you. Holmes: I have been reliably informed that I don't have one. Moriarty: But we both know that's not quite true. Moriarty: Well, I'd better be off. Moriarty: Well, so nice to have had a proper chat. Holmes: What if I was to sh**t you now? Right now? Moriarty: Then you could cherish the look of surprise on my face. Moriarty: 'Cause I'd be surprised, Sherlock. Really I would. Moriarty: And just a teensy bit... disappointed. And of course you wouldn't be able to cherish it for very long. Moriarty: Ciao, Sherlock Holmes. Holmes: Catch... you... later. Moriarty: No you won't! ( Door closes ) Holmes: All right? Holmes: Are you all right? Watson: Yeah-yeah, I'm fine. Watson: I'm fine. Watson: Sherlock. Watson: Sh-Sherlock! ( Gasping ) Watson: Jesus. Watson: Oh, Christ. Watson: Are you okay? Holmes: Me? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Fine. Holmes: That, er... thing that you, er, that you did. That, um... you offered to do. That was, um... good. Watson: I'm glad no-one saw that. Holmes: Mm? Watson: You, ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk. Holmes: People do little else. Watson: Oh... Moriarty: Sorry, boys! I'm so... changeable! Moriarty: It is a weakness with me but, to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. Moriarty: You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you but... everything I have to say has already crossed your mind. Holmes: Probably my answer has crossed yours.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "01x03 - The Great Game"}	foreverdreaming
In woodland just before sunrise, seven year old Henry Knight is running through the trees panting heavily. He is repeatedly looking behind him and having flashbacks to the terrible scene he has recently witnessed where a man was being attcked by someone – or something. The man was screaming and crying out in terror, scrabbling at the ground as he tried to get away from his attacker, which was growling and snarling ferociously. Henry runs on, trying to get away from the horror. After some time, he has cleared the trees and is out on moorland. He runs up an incline just as an old woman comes over the top of the rise. She is walking her dog. GRACE: Oh, hello. (Henry stops and looks at her, but his attention is mostly focused on her dog – some kind of spaniel which just stands there pretty much ignoring him.) GRACE: Are you all right? (Still Henry stares at the dog, whose features are mostly obscured in shadow due to the sun rising behind it.) GRACE: What is it, dear? Are you lost? (The dog pokes its nose towards him in a friendly way. Henry screams in utter terror.) Twenty years later, the young boy’s screams are echoing in adult Henry’s ears. He looks around blankly as if he doesn’t know where he is or how he got there, then his face fills with horror as he realises that he is standing in the middle of a deep hollow in the woods. He starts to stumble away. OPENING CREDITS. BAKER STREET. As the door to 221B slams closed on someone who has just gone inside, the camera pans across to show two nodding dogs in the window of Speedy’s café. Upstairs in the flat, the living room door bursts open and Sherlock charges in, stopping just inside the room and slamming the end of a long pole down onto the ground. Sitting in his chair, John looks round and his eyes widen at the sight of his flatmate, who is wearing black trousers and a white shirt and whose arms, chest and face are covered with blood – far too much blood for it to be his own – and who is holding a harpoon. He looks round to John, breathing heavily. SHERLOCK: Well, that was tedious. JOHN: You went on the Tube like that?! SHERLOCK (irritated): None of the cabs would take me. (He walks out of the room.) Later he is back in the room having cleaned himself up and changed into a clean shirt and trousers with one of his blue dressing gowns over the top. He is still carrying the harpoon and is pacing rapidly between the door and the window, looking round repeatedly at John as he sits in his chair flicking through the newspapers. SHERLOCK (impatiently): Nothing? JOHN: Military coup in Uganda. SHERLOCK: Hmm. (John chuckles in amusement as he sees something in one of the papers.) JOHN: Another photo of you with the, er ... (He points to a photograph of Sherlock wearing the deerstalker hat. Sherlock makes a disgusted noise. John moves on to another newspaper.) JOHN: Oh, um, Cabinet reshuffle. SHERLOCK (furious): Nothing of importance? (He slams the end of the harpoon onto the ground and roars with rage.) SHERLOCK: Oh, God! (He looks round at John intensely.) SHERLOCK: John, I need some. Get me some. JOHN (calmly): No. SHERLOCK (intensely): Get me some. JOHN (more loudly): No. (He points sternly at him.) Cold turkey, we agreed, no matter what. (Irritated, Sherlock leans the harpoon against the table.) JOHN: Anyway, you’ve paid everyone off, remember? No-one within a two mile radius’ll sell you any. SHERLOCK: Stupid idea. Whose idea was that? (John looks round at him and clears his throat pointedly. Sherlock looks towards the door.) SHERLOCK (shouting): Mrs Hudson! (He starts hurling paperwork off the table as he searches desperately for what he needs.) JOHN: Look, Sherlock, you’re doing really well. Don’t give up now. SHERLOCK (frantically as he continues his search): Tell me where they are. Please. Tell me. (As John remains silent, Sherlock straightens up and then turns his most appealing puppy-dog eyes on him, hesitating before he speaks and almost forming the word a couple of times before actually speaking it.) SHERLOCK: Please. JOHN: Can’t help, sorry. SHERLOCK: I’ll let you know next week’s lottery numbers. (John chuckles.) SHERLOCK (exasperated): Oh, it was worth a try. (He looks around the room, then gets inspired and hurls himself to the floor in front of the fireplace. Unearthing a slipper from the pile of papers in front of the unlit fre, he holds it up and scrabbles about inside as Mrs Hudson arrives at the door and comes in.) MRS HUDSON: Ooh-ooh! SHERLOCK (rummaging about in the fireplace as he speaks almost sing-song): My secret supply: what have you done with my secret supply? MRS HUDSON: Eh? SHERLOCK: Cigarettes! What have you done with them? Where are they? MRS HUDSON: You know you never let me touch your things! (She looks around at the mess.) MRS HUDSON: Ooh, chance would be a fine thing. SHERLOCK (standing up and facing her): I thought you weren’t my housekeeper. MRS HUDSON: I’m not. (Making a frustrated noise, Sherlock stomps back over to the harpoon and picks it up again. Behind him, Mrs Hudson looks down at John who does the universal mime for offering someone a drink. She looks at Sherlock again.) MRS HUDSON: How about a nice cuppa, and perhaps you could put away your harpoon. SHERLOCK: I need something stronger than tea. Seven per cent stronger. (He glares out of the window, then turns back towards Mrs Hudson and aims the harpoon at her. She flinches.) SHERLOCK: You’ve been to see Mr. Chatterjee again. MRS HUDSON: Pardon? SHERLOCK (pointing with the harpoon’s tip): Sandwich shop. That’s a new dress, but there’s flour on the sleeve. You wouldn’t dress like that for baking. JOHN: Sherlock ... SHERLOCK: Thumbnail: tiny traces of foil. Been at the scratch cards again. We all know where that leads, don’t we? (He sniffs deeply as he finally stops aiming the harpoon at her.) SHERLOCK: Mmm: Kasbah Nights. Pretty racy for first thing on a Monday morning, wouldn’t you agree? I’ve written a little blog on the identification of perfumes. It’s on the website – you should look it up. MRS HUDSON (exasperated): Please. SHERLOCK: I wouldn’t pin your hopes on that cruise with Mr. Chatterjee. He’s got a wife in Doncaster (he adopts a south Yorkshire accent to say the town’s name) that nobody knows about. JOHN (angrily): Sherlock! SHERLOCK: Well, nobody except me. MRS HUDSON (upset): I don’t know what you’re talking about, I really don’t. (She storms out of the flat, slamming the living room door closed as she goes. Sherlock leaps over the back of his chair from behind it, then perches on the seat, wrapping his arms around his knees like a petulant child. John slams his newspaper down.) JOHN: What the bloody hell was all that about? SHERLOCK (rocking back and forth): You don’t understand. JOHN (sternly): Go after her and apologise. SHERLOCK (staring at him): Apologise? JOHN: Mmm-hmm. SHERLOCK (sighing): Oh, John, I envy you so much. (John hesitates, wondering whether to rise to the bait, but eventually asks.) JOHN: You envy me? SHERLOCK: Your mind: it’s so placid, straightforward, barely used. Mine’s like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces trapped on the launch pad. (Loudly, frantically) I need a case! JOHN (equally loudly): You’ve just solved one! By harpooning a dad pig, apparently! (With an exasperated noise, Sherlock jumps up in the air and then lands in the seated position on the chair.) SHERLOCK: That was this morning! (He starts drumming the fingers of both hands on the arms of the chair while stomping his feet on the floor.) SHERLOCK: When’s the next one? JOHN: Nothing on the website? (Sherlock gets up and walks over to the table, collects his laptop and hands it to John, who looks at the message on there while Sherlock stomps over the window and narrates part of it.) SHERLOCK: “Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes. I can’t find Bluebell anywhere. Please please please can you help?” JOHN: Bluebell? SHERLOCK (irritated): A rabbit, John! JOHN: Oh. SHERLOCK (sarcastically): Ah, but there’s more! Before Bluebell disappeared, it turned luminous ... (He adopts a little girl’s voice for the next three words.) SHERLOCK: ... “like a fairy” according to little Kirsty; then the next morning, Bluebell was gone! Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry ... (He stops and his expression becomes more intense.) SHERLOCK: Ah! What am I saying? This is brilliant! Phone Lestrade. Tell him there’s an escaped rabbit. JOHN: Are you serious? SHERLOCK: It’s this, or Cluedo. JOHN: Ah, no! (He closes the laptop and gets up to put it back on the table.) JOHN: We are never playing that again! SHERLOCK: Why not? JOHN: Because it’s not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that’s why. SHERLOCK: Well, it was the only possible solution. JOHN (sitting down again): It’s not in the rules. SHERLOCK (furiously): Then the rules are wrong! (The doorbell rings. John holds up a finger thoughtfully as Sherlock looks towards the living room door.) JOHN: Single ring. SHERLOCK: Maximum pressure just under the half second. JOHN and SHERLOCK (simultaneously): Client. Not long afterwards, a recording of a documentary is playing on the TV. Sherlock has taken off the dressing gown and exchanged it for a jacket and is sitting in his chair. John has relocated to the dining table chair near Sherlock’s, and a man is sitting in John’s chair. The documentary footage shows scenes of Dartmoor. Sherlock instantly looks bored. PRESENTER (voiceover): Dartmoor. It’s always been a place of myth and legend, but is there something else lurking out here – something very real? (Footage of “Keep Out” signs.) PRESENTER (walking along a narrow road): Because Dartmoor’s also home to one of the government’s most secret of operations ... (Sherlock’s eyes flick repeatedly between the screen and the man in John’s chair as the footage shows a large sign saying: AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A RESTRICTED AREA BASKERVILLE By this time Sherlock’s eyes are permanently fixed on the newcomer – who we now see is Henry Knight – as he watches the documentary anxiously.) PRESENTER (voiceover): ... the chemical and biological wapon research centre which is said to be even more sensitive than Porton Down. Since the end of the Second World wr, there’ve been persistent stories about the Baskerville experiments: genetic mutations, animals grown for the bttlefield. There are many who believe that within this compound, in the heart of this ancient wilderness, there are horrors beyond imagining. But the real question is: are all of them still inside? (The footage switches to an indoor scene where Henry is sitting in front of the camera talking to someone offscreen. A caption at the bottom of the screen shows him as “Henry Knight, Grimpen resident”.) HENRY: I was just a kid. It-it was on the moor. (There’s a cutaway to a child’s drawing of a huge snarling dog with red eyes. The caption says, “Henry’s drawing (aged 9)”.) HENRY: It was dark, but I know what I saw. I know what klled my father. (Sighing, Sherlock picks up the remote control and switches off the footage.) SHERLOCK (to Henry): What did you see? HENRY: Oh. (He points to the television.) I ... I was just about to say. SHERLOCK: Yes, in a TV interview. I prefer to do my own editing. HENRY: Yes. Sorry, yes, of course. ’Scuse me. (He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a paper napkin and wipes his nose on it.) JOHN: In your own time. SHERLOCK: But quite quickly. (Henry lowers the napkin.) HENRY: Do you know Dartmoor, Mr. Holmes? SHERLOCK: No. HENRY: It’s an amazing place. It’s like nowhere else. It’s sort of ... bleak but beautiful. SHERLOCK: Mmm, not interested. Moving on. HENRY: We used to go for walks, after my mum died, my dad and me. Every evening we’d go out onto the moor. SHERLOCK: Yes, good. Skipping to the night that your dad was violently klled. Where did that happen? (John’s eyes raise skywards at Sherlock’s insensitive question.) HENRY: There’s a place – it’s... it’s a sort of local landmark called Dewer’s Hollow. (He gazes at Sherlock who tilts his head at him as if to say, “And...?”) HENRY: That’s an ancient name for the Devil. SHERLOCK (quirking an eyebrow): So? JOHN: Did you see the Devil that night? (His face haunted with memories, Henry looks across to him and nods.) HENRY (in a whisper): Yes. (Flashback to Henry’s father screaming as he is pulled off his feet by something while young Henry watches in horror nearby.) HENRY (voiceover): It was huge. Coal-black fur, with red eyes. (Henry’s father finally falls silent. The creature growls savagely and young Henry turns and begins to scramble away.) HENRY (tearfully): It got him, tore at him, tore him apart. (Sherlock watches him intensely.) HENRY: I can’t remember anything else. They found me the next morning, just wandering on the moor. My dad’s body was never found. JOHN: Hmm. (He looks across to Sherlock.) Red eyes, coal-black fur, enormous: dog? Wolf? SHERLOCK: Or a genetic experiment. (He looks away, biting back a smile.) HENRY: Are you laughing at me, Mr. Holmes? SHERLOCK: Why, are you joking? HENRY: My dad was always going on about the things they were doing at Baskerville; about the type of monsters they were breeding there. People used to laugh at him. At least the TV people took me seriously. SHERLOCK: And, I assume, did wonders for Devon tourism. JOHN (uncomfortably): Yeah ... (In an attempt to stop Sherlock’s continuing sarcasm, he leans forward to Henry. Sherlock rolls his eyes as he realises what John is doing.) JOHN: Henry, whatever did happen to your father, it was twenty years ago. Why come to us now? (Henry sits forward, staring at Sherlock.) HENRY: I’m not sure you can help me, Mr. Holmes, since you find it all so funny. (He stands up and walks around the chair, heading towards the door.) SHERLOCK: Because of what happened last night. JOHN: Why, what happened last night? (Henry turns back towards them.) HENRY: How ... how do you know? SHERLOCK: I didn’t know; I noticed. (John shuffles on his chair with an “Oh dear lord, here we go” expression on his face.) SHERLOCK (quick-fre): You came up from Devon on the first available train this morning. You had a disappointing breakfast and a cup of black coffee. The girl in the seat across the aisle fancied you. Although you were initially keen, you’ve now changed your mind. You are, however, extremely anxious to have your first cigarette of the day. Sit down, Mr. Knight, and do please smoke. I’d be delighted. (Henry stares at him, then glances across to John who averts his gaze and sighs. Hesitantly, Henry walks back to the chair and sits down, fishing in his jacket pocket.) HENRY: How on earth did you notice all that?! JOHN: It’s not important ... (But Sherlock’s already off.) SHERLOCK (looking at two small round white pieces of paper stuck to Henry’s coat): Punched-out holes where your ticket’s been checked ... JOHN: Not now, Sherlock. SHERLOCK: Oh please. I’ve been cooped up in here for ages. JOHN: You’re just showing off. SHERLOCK: Of course. I am a show-off. That’s what we do. (He turns his attention back to Henry and the napkin that he’s still holding.) SHERLOCK: The train napkin that you used to mop up the spilled coffee: the strength of the stain shows that you didn’t take milk. There are traces of ketchup on it and round your lips and on your sleeve. Cooked breakfast – or the nearest thing those trains can manage. Probably a sandwich. (Henry half-sobs, over-awed.) HENRY: How did you know it was disappointing? SHERLOCK: Is there any other type of breakfast on a train? The girl – female handwriting’s quite distinctive. Wrote her phone number down on the napkin. I can tell from the angle she wrote at that she was sat across from you on the other side of the aisle. Later – after she got off, I imagine – you used the napkin to mop up your spilled coffee, accidentally smudging the numbers. You’ve been over the last four digits yourself with another pen, so you wanted to keep the number. Just now, though, you used the napkin to blow your nose. Maybe you’re not that into her after all. Then there’s the nicotine stains on your fingers ... your shaking fingers. I know the signs. (His gaze becomes intense.) SHERLOCK: No chance to smoke one on the train; no time to roll one before you got a cab here. (He glances at his watch.) SHERLOCK: It’s just after nine fifteen. You’re desperate. The first train from Exeter to London leaves at five forty-six a.m. You got the first one possible, so something important must have happened last night. Am I wrong? (Henry stares at him in amazement, then draws in a shaky breath.) HENRY: No. (Sherlock smiles smugly. John takes a drink from his mug to hide his “oh bugger it” look.) HENRY (awestruck): You’re right. You’re completely, exactly right. Bloody hell, I heard you were quick. SHERLOCK: It’s my job. (He leans forward in his seat and glares at Henry intensely.) SHERLOCK: Now shut up and smoke. (John frowns towards him. As Henry takes out a roll-up and lights it, John consults the notes he’s taken so far.) JOHN: Um, Henry, your parents both died and you were, what, seven years old? (Henry is concentrating on taking his first drag on his cigarette. As he exhales his first lungful, Sherlock stands up and steps closer to him.) HENRY: I know. That ... my ... (He stops as Sherlock leans into the smoke drifting up from the cigarette and from Henry’s mouth and breathes in deeply. Having sucked up most of the smoke, he sits down again and breathes out, whining quietly in pleasure.) JOHN (trying hard to ignore him): That must be a ... quite a trauma. Have you ever thought that maybe you invented this story, this ... (Henry has exhaled another lungful of smoke and Sherlock dives in to noisily hoover up the smoke again. John pauses patiently until he sits down again.) JOHN: ... to account for it? (Henry drags his eyes away from Sherlock.) HENRY: That’s what Doctor Mortimer says. JOHN: Who? SHERLOCK: His therapist. HENRY (almost simultaneously): My therapist. SHERLOCK: Obviously. HENRY: Louise Mortimer. She’s the reason I came back to Dartmoor. She thinks I have to face my demons. SHERLOCK: And what happened when you went back to Dewer’s Hollow last night, Henry? You went there on the advice of your therapist and now you’re consulting a detective. What did you see that changed everything? HENRY: It’s a strange place, the Hollow. (He flashes back in his mind to when he was standing in the Hollow the previous night.) HENRY: Makes you feel so cold inside, so afraid. SHERLOCK (rolling his eyes): Yes, if I wanted poetry, I’d read John’s emails to his girlfriends. Much funnier. (John sighs hard in an attempt to release the tension that might make him kll his flatmate.) SHERLOCK (to Henry): What did you see? HENRY: Footprints – on the exact spot where I saw my father torn apart. (Looking exasperated, Sherlock leans back in his seat.) JOHN: Man’s or a woman’s? HENRY: Neither. They were ... SHERLOCK (interrupting): Is that it? Nothing else. Footprints. Is that all? HENRY: Yes, but they were ... SHERLOCK (interrupting): No, sorry, Doctor Mortimer wins. Childhood trauma masked by an invented memory. Boring! Goodbye, Mr. Knight. Thank you for smoking. HENRY: No, but what about the footprints? SHERLOCK: Oh, they’re probably paw prints; could be anything, therefore nothing. (He leans forward in his seat and flicks his fingers at Henry, gesturing him towards the door.) SHERLOCK: Off to Devon with you; have a cream tea on me. (Standing up and buttoning his jacket, he heads into the kitchen. Henry turns in his seat to look at him.) HENRY: Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound! (Sherlock stops dad in his tracks, then slowly turns and comes back to the kitchen doorway and stares down at Henry.) SHERLOCK: Say that again. HENRY: I found the footprints; they were ... SHERLOCK: No, no, no, your exact words. Repeat your exact words from a moment ago, exactly as you said them. (Henry thinks for a second, then slowly recites his words back to him.) HENRY: Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic ... hound. (Sherlock raises his head.) SHERLOCK: I’ll take the case. JOHN (startled): Sorry, what? (Sherlock adopts the prayer position in front of his mouth and begins to pace slowly across the living room.) SHERLOCK: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It’s very promising. JOHN: No-no-no, sorry, what? A minute ago, footprints were boring; now they’re very promising? SHERLOCK (stopping): It’s nothing to do with footprints. As ever, John, you weren’t listening. Baskerville: ever heard of it? JOHN: Vaguely. It’s very hush-hush. SHERLOCK: Sounds like a good place to start. HENRY: Ah! You’ll come down, then? SHERLOCK: No, I can’t leave London at the moment. Far too busy. Don’t worry – putting my best man onto it. (He walks over to John and pats his shoulder.) SHERLOCK: Always rely on John to send me the relevant data, as he never understands a word of it himself. JOHN: What are you talking about, you’re busy? You don’t have a case! A minute ago you were complaining ... SHERLOCK (interrupting): Bluebell, John! I’ve got Bluebell! The case of the vanishing, glow-in-the-dark rabbit! (He looks at Henry.) NATO’s in uproar. HENRY: Oh, sorry, no, you’re not coming, then? (Putting on a regretful expression, Sherlock shakes his head sadly. John groans.) JOHN: Okay. (He stands up as Sherlock smiles smugly.) Okay. (He walks over to the mantelpiece and picks up the skull, taking a packet of cigarettes from underneath it. Putting the skull down again, he turns and tosses the packet across to Sherlock, who catches it and instantly tosses it over his shoulder.) SHERLOCK: I don’t need those any more. I’m going to Dartmoor. (He walks out of the living room.) SHERLOCK: You go on ahead, Henry. We’ll follow later. HENRY (scrambling to his feet): Er, sorry, so you are coming? (Sherlock turns and walks back into the room.) SHERLOCK: Twenty year old disappearance; a monstrous hound? I wouldn’t miss this for the world! Later, John carries two large bags out onto the street, shuts the front door and walks over to Sherlock who is holding a taxi door open. Next door in Speedy’s, Mrs Hudson is shouting angrily at an unseen Mr. Chatterjee. MRS HUDSON: ... cruise together. You had no intention of taking me on it ... (She throws something at the closed door. As it bounces heavily off the glass, John recoils.) JOHN: Oh! Looks like Mrs Hudson finally got to the wife in Doncaster. SHERLOCK: Mmm. Wait ’til she finds out about the one in Islamabad. (John sniggers and gets into the taxi. Sherlock follows him in.) SHERLOCK (to the driver): Paddington Station, please. DARTMOOR. After many shts of the beautiful scenery which your transcriber is delighted to sit back and watch while resting her aching fingers, we find our boys driving across the moors in a large black Land Rover jeep. Sherlock is driving ... and if they’re not playing “Yellow Car” I shall be most disappointed. Some time later, away from the road, Sherlock is standing dramatically skylined on a large stone outcrop while John stands at the foot of it consulting a map. He points ahead of himself at a large array of buildings in the distance. JOHN: There’s Baskerville. (He turns and points behind them. Sherlock turns to look.) JOHN: That’s Grimpen Village. (He turns and looks ahead of them again, checking the map for the name of the heavily wooded area to the left of the Baskerville complex.) JOHN: So that must be ... yeah, it’s Dewer’s Hollow. (Sherlock points to an area in between the complex and the Hollow.) SHERLOCK: What’s that? JOHN: Hmm? (He has binoculars round his neck and now he lifts them and looks more closely at the fencing and the warning signs.) JOHN: Minefield? Technically Baskerville’s an army base, so I guess they’ve always been keen to keep people out. SHERLOCK: Clearly. Later, they drive into Grimpen Village and pull into the car park of the Cross Keys inn. They get out and walk towards the entrance of the pub, where a young man who is apparently a tour guide is talking to a group of tourists. FLETCHER: ... three times a day, tell your friends. Tell anyone! (The boys walk past the group and see that Fletcher is standing next to a large sign on which is painted a black image of a wolf-like creature with the words “BEWARE THE HOUND!” above it.) FLETCHER (to the tourists): Don’t be strangers, and remember ... stay away from the moor at night if you value your lives! (Sherlock has been pulling his overcoat around him as he walks towards the pub, and now he pops the collar. John looks round at him pointedly.) SHERLOCK (trying and failing to look nonchalant): I’m cold. (The tourist group walks away from Fletcher. Once their backs are turned he puts on a large shaggy wolf’s-head mask. Sherlock and John walk into the pub, which has a blackboard outside advertising “Boutique Rooms & Vegetarian Cuisine”. Fletcher runs over to a couple of the nearby tourists and roars. They flinch and the woman shrieks in surprise.) Flashback to Henry Knight’s father being grabbed by something in Dewer’s Hollow, and young Henry’s horrified face. In the present, adult Henry flinches, his eyes closed as he sits half reclined on a comfortable armchair. The flashbacks continue to haunt him until he opens his eyes and sighs. A woman is sitting a short distance away with a notebook and pen on her lap. HENRY: That part doesn’t change. MORTIMER: What does? (Henry runs his hands over his face.) HENRY: Oh, there’s something else. It-it’s a word. (Sighing heavily in concentration, he closes his eyes again and sees the word as if it is stitched or knitted into some fabric.) HENRY: “Liberty.” (He opens his eyes again.) MORTIMER: Liberty? HENRY (closing his eyes again): There’s another word. (He concentrates and sees the next word in the stitching.) “In.” I-N. “Liberty In.” (He looks at his therapist.) What do you think it means? (She shakes her head. He sighs in frustration.) CROSS KEYS INN. As Sherlock prowls around the pub, John is at the bar checking in. The manager and barman, Gary, hands him some keys. GARY: Eh, sorry we couldn’t do a double room for you boys. JOHN: That’s fine. We-we’re not ... (He looks at the smug knowing smile on Gary’s face and gives up.) JOHN (giving him some money for the drink he has just bought): There you go. GARY: Oh, ta. I’ll just get your change. JOHN: Ta. (As Gary goes to the till, John’s glance falls on a pile of receipts and invoices which have been punched onto a spike on the bar. He frowns as he sees that one is labelled “Undershaw Meat Supplies”. Quickly he reaches out and rips it from the spike, putting it into his pocket as Gary comes back with his change.) GARY: There you go. JOHN: I couldn’t help noticing on the map of the moor: a skull and crossbones. GARY: Oh that, aye. JOHN: Pirates?! GARY: Eh, no, no. The Great Grimpen Minefield, they call it. JOHN: Oh, right. GARY: It’s not what you think. It’s the Baskerville testing site. It’s been going for eighty-odd years. I’m not sure anyone really knows what’s there any more. (Nearby, Sherlock is still prowling around and now seems to find something of interest at one of the tables.) JOHN (to Gary): explsives? GARY: Oh, not just explsives. Break into that place and – if you’re lucky – you just get blown up, so they say ... in case you’re planning on a nice wee stroll. (Sherlock loses interest in the table and wanders off again.) JOHN: Ta. I’ll remember. GARY: Aye. No, it buggers up tourism a bit, so thank God for the demon hound! (He chuckles.) Did you see that show, that documentary? JOHN: Quite recently, yeah. GARY: Aye. God bless Henry Knight and his monster from hell. JOHN: Ever seen it – the hound? GARY: Me? No. (He points out the door past Sherlock, where Fletcher is just outside the pub and talking on his phone to someone.) GARY: Fletcher has. He runs the walks – the Monster Walks for the tourists, you know? He’s seen it. JOHN: That’s handy for trade. (Gary turns to a man who is clearly the inn’s cook who has just arrived behind the bar. Meanwhile Sherlock turns and follows Fletcher as he walks away from the doorway.) GARY: I’m just saying we’ve been rushed off our feet, Billy. BILLY: Yeah. Lots of monster-hunters. Doesn’t take much these days. One mention on Twitter and oomph. (He looks at Gary.) BILLY: We’re out of WKD. [Transcriber’s note: WKD is a brand of alcopop aimed at the trendy young – and mostly male – drinkers’ market.] GARY: All right. (He walks behind the bar again. Billy turns to John.) BILLY: What with the monster and that ruddy prison, I don’t know how we sleep nights. Do you, Gary? (Gary stops and puts a hand on his shoulder and looks at him affectionately.) GARY: Like a baby. BILLY: That’s not true. (He looks at John.) He’s a snorer. GARY (embarrassed, trying to shut him up): Hey, wheesht! BILLY (to John): Is yours a snorer? JOHN: ... Got any crisps? Outside, Sherlock swipes a half-drunk pint of beer from a nearby empty table and walks over towards Fletcher, noticing as he does so that he has a copy of the Racing Post in his trouser pocket. Fletcher has gone over to another of the tables and is just finishing his phone call. FLETCHER: Yeah ... No. All right? Right. Take care. Bye. SHERLOCK: Mind if I join you? (Fletcher shrugs and gestures to the table. Sherlock puts his pint down and sits on the bench on the other side of the table.) SHERLOCK: It’s not true, is it? You haven’t actually seen this ... hound thing. (He grins in a friendly way.) FLETCHER (looking at him suspiciously): You from the papers? SHERLOCK: No, nothing like that. Just curious. Have you seen it? FLETCHER: Maybe. SHERLOCK: Got any proof? FLETCHER: Why would I tell you if I did? ’Scuse me. (He stands up to leave just as John comes over with his own drink.) JOHN: I called Henry ... SHERLOCK (talking over him): Bet’s off, John, sorry. JOHN (sitting down): What? FLETCHER: Bet? SHERLOCK (looking at his watch): My plan needs darkness. (He looks up at the sky.) Reckon we’ve got another half an hour of light ... FLETCHER: Wait, wait. What bet? SHERLOCK: Oh, I bet John here fifty quid that you couldn’t prove you’d seen the hound. JOHN (catching on immediately and looking at Fletcher): Yeah, the guys in the pub said you could. (Fletcher smiles and points to Sherlock.) FLETCHER: Well, you’re gonna lose your money, mate. SHERLOCK: Yeah? FLETCHER: Yeah. I’ve seen it. Only about a month ago, up at the Hollow. It was foggy, mind – couldn’t make much out. SHERLOCK: I see. No witnesses, I suppose. FLETCHER: No, but ... SHERLOCK: Never are. FLETCHER: Wait ... (He shows Sherlock a photograph on his smart phone.) FLETCHER: There. (Sherlock looks at the photograph which shows a dark-furred four-legged something in the distance but, with no scale amongst the surrounding vegetation, it’s impossible to tell the size – or even the species – of the animal. He snorts.) SHERLOCK: Is that it? It’s not exactly proof, is it? (Fletcher shows the photo to John.) SHERLOCK: Sorry, John. I win. (He picks up the stolen drink and makes as if to drink from it, although he never does.) FLETCHER: Wait, wait. That’s not all. People don’t like going up there, you know – to the Hollow. Gives them a ... bad sort of feeling. SHERLOCK: Ooh! Is it haunted?(!) Is that supposed to convince me? (He puts the pint glass down again.) FLETCHER: Nah, don’t be stupid, nothing like that, but I reckon there is something out there – something from Baskerville, escaped. SHERLOCK (not really trying to hold back his sceptical snigger): A clone, a super-dog?(!) FLETCHER: Maybe. God knows what they’ve been spraying on us all these years, or putting in the water. I wouldn’t trust ’em as far as I could spit. SHERLOCK (nodding to the phone photograph): Is that the best you’ve got? (Fletcher hesitates for a long moment, uncertain whether to continue, but eventually he speaks reluctantly, lowering his voice.) FLETCHER: I had a mate once who worked for the MOD. One weekend we were meant to go fishin’ but he never showed up – well, not ’til late. When he did, he was white as a sheet. I can see him now. “I’ve seen things today, Fletch,” he said, “that I never wanna see again. Terrible things.” He’d been sent to some secret Army place – Porton Down, maybe, maybe Baskerville, or somewhere else. (He leans closer.) FLETCHER: In the labs there – the really secret labs, he said he’d seen ... terrible things. Rats as big as dogs, he said, and dogs ... (He reaches into his bag and pulls something out, showing it to the boys.) FLETCHER: ... dogs the size of horses. (He is holding a concrete cast of a dog’s paw print – but the print is at least six inches long from the tip of the claws to the back of the pad. Sherlock stares at it in surprise. John immediately pounces.) JOHN: Er, we did say fifty? (As Fletcher smiles triumphantly, Sherlock gets out his wallet and hands John a fifty pound note.) JOHN: Ta. (Sulkily, Sherlock gets up and walks away. John finishes his drink and follows him.) Later, Sherlock and John take the car to Baskerville, Sherlock still driving. As they approach the complex, he observes that there are very many military personnel guarding the place, walking the perimeter etc. He drives up to the gates and a military security guard holding a rfle raises a hand. As Sherlock stops the jeep, the man walks around to the driver’s window. SECURITY GUARD: Pass, please. (Sherlock reaches into his coat pocket and hands him a pass.) SECURITY GUARD: Thank you. (He walks away with the pass. At the front of the vehicle, another security man encourages a sniffer dog to check the jeep, presumably for explsives.) JOHN (quietly): You’ve got ID for Baskerville. How? SHERLOCK (quietly): It’s not specific to this place. It’s my brother’s. Access all areas. I, um ... (he clears his throat) ... acquired it ages ago, just in case. (The security guard swipes Sherlock’s pass through a reader at the gate room. The screen shows a fairly small photograph of Mycroft and names the card holder as Mycroft Holmes, giving him Unlimited Access and showing his security status as ‘Secure (No thrat)’.) JOHN: Brilliant(!) SHERLOCK: What’s the matter? JOHN: We’ll get caught. SHERLOCK: No we won’t – well, not just yet. JOHN: Caught in five minutes. “Oh, hi, we just thought we’d come and have a wander round your top secret wapon base.” “Really? Great! Come in – kettle’s just boiled.” That’s if we don’t get sht. (The gates begin to slide open as the security guard comes back over to the car.) SECURITY DOG HANDLER: Clear. SECURITY GUARD (handing Sherlock his pass): Thank you very much, sir. SHERLOCK: Thank you. (He puts the car in gear and eases the vehicle forward.) SECURITY GUARD: Straight through, sir. JOHN: Mycroft’s name literally opens doors! SHERLOCK: I’ve told you – he practically is the British government. I reckon we’ve got about twenty minutes before they realise something’s wrong. Sherlock drives up to the main complex at Baskerville, parks the car and he and John get out. Another soldier leads them through barriers and towards an entrance to the main building. As they walk, Sherlock looks around at all the military men patrolling the area, many of them armed. Even the scientists in lab coats are being escorted. As they approach the entrance, a military jeep pulls up and a young corporal gets out. LYONS: What is it? Are we in trouble? SHERLOCK (sternly): “Are we in trouble, sir.” LYONS: Yes, sir, sorry, sir. (Nevertheless, he steps in front of them and holds out his hands to prevent them getting nearer to the entrance.) SHERLOCK: You were expecting us? LYONS: Your ID showed up straight away, Mr. Holmes. Corporal Lyons, security. Is there something wrong, sir? SHERLOCK: Well, I hope not, Corporal, I hope not. LYONS: It’s just we don’t get inspected here, you see, sir. It just doesn’t happen. JOHN: Ever heard of a spot check? (He takes a small wallet from his pocket and shows the ID inside to the corporal.) JOHN: Captain John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. (Even before he finishes speaking, the corporal comes to attention and salutes. John crisply returns the salute. Fangirls faint.) LYONS: Sir. Major Barrymore won’t be pleased, sir. He’ll want to see you both. JOHN: I’m afraid we won’t have time for that. We’ll need the full tour right away. Carry on. (The corporal hesitates.) JOHN (instantly): That’s an order, Corporal. LYONS: Yes, sir. (He spins around and walks towards the entrance. Sherlock glances across to John with a proud smile on his face as they follow. At the entrance, which is marked “atmatic SECURITY DOOR”, Lyons swipes his pass through a reader, then waits for Sherlock to walk over and do the same with his own pass. The message “ACCESS GRANTED” appears on the reader. Lyons then presses a button and the locks on the door disengage. Sherlock checks his watch.) (Elsewhere, probably a long way from Baskerville, a message flashes up on a screen: CCV1 • security authorization requested • holmes, mycroft • priority ultra processing CCV1 • 55550000x1 //5894 The security request begins to process. At Baskerville, the door swings open and Lyons leads the other two inside, taking off his beret as he goes. As he leads them towards the next security door, the boys talk quietly.) SHERLOCK: Nice touch. JOHN: Haven’t pulled rank in ages. SHERLOCK: Enjoy it? JOHN: Oh yeah. (Reaching the door, Lyons swipes his pass and then steps aside for Sherlock to do likewise. As he does so and another “ACCESS GRANTED” message appears, the authorisation request is sent out again. The doors slide opens and reveal an elevator on the other side. Lyons leads them inside and Sherlock looks at the wall panel. The lift, now on the ground floor, only goes downwards to five floors marked -1, -2, -3, -4 and B. Lyons presses the -1 button and the doors close, opening shortly afterwards on the next floor down. Lyons leads them out into a brightly lit and white tiled laboratory. As they walk forward, various scientific staff dressed either in white coveralls including full breathing masks, or lab coats and face masks walk around the lab. There are large cages to the right of the elevator and as Lyons leads the way past them, a monkey screams and hurls itself at the bars towards them. Sherlock spins on his heel as he passes the cage, looking at the monkey and the chain around its neck.) SHERLOCK: How many animals do you keep down here? LYONS: Lots, sir. (At the far end of the lab, a scientist wearing coveralls and a breathing mask comes out of another room and takes his mask off. Another scientist walks across the lab with a beagle on a lead.) SHERLOCK: Any ever escape? LYONS: They’d have to know how to use that lift, sir. We’re not breeding them that clever. SHERLOCK: Unless they have help. (The man who just took his mask off comes over to the group.) FRANKLAND: Ah, and you are? LYONS: Sorry, Doctor Frankland. I’m just showing these gentlemen around. FRANKLAND (smiling at them): Ah, new faces, huh? Nice. Careful you don’t get stuck here, though. I only came to fix a tap! (John chuckles politely as Frankland walks towards the lift. John turns to Lyons.) JOHN: How far down does that lift go? LYONS: Quite a way, sir. JOHN: Mmm-hmm. And what’s down there? LYONS: Well, we have to keep the bins somewhere, sir. This way please, gentlemen. (Sherlock is watching Frankland as he reaches the elevator. Frankland in turn looks around to gaze with interest at the new arrivals. As Lyons leads John away, Sherlock walks backwards for a couple of paces before turning to follow.) JOHN: So what exactly is it that you do here? LYONS: I thought you’d know, sir, this being an inspection. (Sherlock is looking at the various scientists around the room, a couple looking at a rat in a glass cage, another one doing something to the leg of a monkey on a leash which is sitting on a metal table. Nearby, another scientist picks up what looks ominously like a glass container of serum.) JOHN: Well, I’m not an expert, am I? LYONS: Everything from stem cell research to trying to cure the common cold, sir. JOHN: But mostly wapon? LYONS: Of one sort or another, yes. (He swipes his card through the reader of the door at the end of the lab, then steps aside for Sherlock to do likewise.) JOHN: Biological, chemical ...? LYONS: One wr ends, another begins, sir. New enemies to fight. We have to be prepared. (As the door releases, Sherlock checks his watch as the security authorisation message goes out again, the message changing slightly: CCV1 • security authorization //5894 • query • query • query CCV1 • 55550000x1 Lyons leads them through the doors and into another lab where a monkey stands up on its back legs with one hand high in the air and shrieks before sitting down again on a high metal table. A female scientist looks at it and then turns to her colleague.) STAPLETON: Okay, Michael, let’s try Harlow Three next time. (As she walks away from the table, Lyons approaches her.) LYONS: Doctor Stapleton. SHERLOCK (thoughtfully): Stapleton. STAPLETON: Yes? (She looks at Sherlock and John.) Who’s this? LYONS: Priority Ultra, ma’am. Orders from on high. An inspection. STAPLETON: Really? SHERLOCK: We’re to be accorded every courtesy, Doctor Stapleton. What’s your role at Baskerville? (Stapleton looks at him and snorts with disbelieving laughter.) JOHN: Er, accorded every courtesy, isn’t that the idea? STAPLETON: I’m not free to say. Official secrets. SHERLOCK (smiling at her): Oh, you most certainly are free ... (his smile fades and his voice becomes ominous) ... and I suggest you remain that way. (She looks at him for a moment.) STAPLETON: I have a lot of fingers in a lot of pies. I like to mix things up – genes, mostly; now and again actual fingers. (Sherlock has had a lightbulb moment when she said the words ‘genes’ and is reaching into his pocket before she finishes the sentence.) SHERLOCK: Stapleton. I knew I knew your name. STAPLETON: I doubt it. SHERLOCK: People say there’s no such thing as coincidence. What dull lives they must lead. (He holds up his notebook to her on which he has written a single large word: “BLUEBELL”. She stares at it in amazement as Sherlock watches her face closely.) STAPLETON: Have you been talking to my daughter? SHERLOCK (putting his notebook away): Why did Bluebell have to die, Doctor Stapleton? JOHN (bewildered): The rabbit? SHERLOCK (to Stapleton, as she stares at him blankly): Disappeared from inside a locked hutch, which was always suggestive. JOHN: The rabbit? SHERLOCK: Clearly an inside job. STAPLETON: Oh, you reckon? SHERLOCK: Why? Because it glowed in the dark. STAPLETON: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Who are you? (Even as she speaks Sherlock has been keeping a mental note of the time and now checks his watch again. Out in the security system somewhere, the authorisation request changes: CCV1 • security authorization •• alert •• alert •• potential level 5 security breach 55550000x1 //5894 Someone looking at the screen picks up the phone and lifts the handset to their ear. At Baskerville, Sherlock lowers his hand and turns to Lyons.) SHERLOCK: Well, I think we’ve seen enough for now, Corporal. Thank you so much. LYONS (surprised): That’s it? SHERLOCK: That’s it. (He turns and heads briskly back towards the door, John following behind and Lyons trailing after them.) It’s this way, isn’t it? STAPLETON (calling after them): Just a minute! (John catches up to his friend and speaks quietly so that Lyons can’t overhear him. His tone suggests that he is not best pleased.) JOHN: Did we just break into a military base to investigate a rabbit? (Sherlock reaches the door and swipes his card, then waits for Lyons to catch up to them and do the same with his own card. In Whitehall or somewhere similar, telephones begin to ring as a chain of calls relays the potential security breach and the message goes out: • URGENT • URGENT • URGENT • refer holmes, mycroft Sitting in what can surely only be the Diogenes Club with a cup of coffee on the table beside him, Mycroft takes out his phone as it trills quietly. Looking at the message, he rolls his eyes in exasperation, gazes off into space with a “Good God – what now?!” look on his face for a moment and then begins to text.) (At Baskerville, Sherlock walks swiftly through the security doors and heads for the lift as his phone trills a text alert. He takes out his phone without stopping and reads the message: What are you doing? M He laughs sarcastically.) SHERLOCK: Twenty-three minutes. Mycroft’s getting slow. (Reaching the lift doors, he swipes his card and Lyons does likewise. The doors open revealing Doctor Frankland standing inside as if he has been waiting there for them ever since they met. He smiles at them.) FRANKLAND: Hello ... again. (Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, Sherlock walks into the lift with the others. Very shortly afterwards, one floor up, the doors open again and reveal a bearded man in military uniform waiting for them. He does not look happy.) LYONS: Er, um, Major ... BARRYMORE: This is bloody outrageous. Why wasn’t I told? JOHN: Major Barrymore, is it? (He steps out of the lift towards him.) Yes, well, good. Very good. (He offers him his hand to shake.) We’re very impressed, aren’t we, Mr. Holmes? (Barrymore refuses to take John’s hand. Sherlock’s phone sounds another text alert and he reaches into his pocket for it again.) SHERLOCK: Deeply; hugely. (He walks past Barrymore as he looks at his text message which reads: What’s going on Sherlock? M The major follows along behind the boys as Sherlock hurries towards the exit door.) BARRYMORE: The whole point of Baskerville was to eliminate this kind of bureaucratic nonsense ... SHERLOCK: I’m so sorry, Major. BARRYMORE: Inspections?! SHERLOCK: New policy. Can’t remain unmonitored forever. Goodness knows what you’d get up to. (Urgently and quietly to John) Keep walking. (Lyons has briefly ducked into a side room but now hurries out again.) LYONS: Sir! (He slaps an alarm button on the wall. Alarms start to blare, red lights flash and the automated security door locks itself. The others turn back to him.) LYONS: ID unauthorised, sir. BARRYMORE: What? LYONS: I’ve just had the call. BARRYMORE: Is that right? (He turns to Sherlock and John.) BARRYMORE: Who are you? JOHN: Look, there’s obviously been some kind of mistake. (A little further back, Frankland is slowly walking towards the group, looking thoughtful. Barrymore holds out his hand for Sherlock’s ID card, which he gives to him. He looks at the card and then up at Sherlock.) BARRYMORE: Clearly not Mycroft Holmes. JOHN (getting out a notebook and starting to write): Computer error, Major. It’ll all have to go in the report. BARRYMORE: What the hell’s going on?! FRANKLAND: It’s all right, Major. I know exactly who these gentlemen are. BARRYMORE: You do? FRANKLAND: Yeah. I’m getting a little slow on faces but Mr. Holmes here isn’t someone I expected to show up in this place. SHERLOCK: Ah, well ... FRANKLAND (offering him his hand to shake): Good to see you again, Mycroft. (John tries to mask his surprise. Smiling falsely, Sherlock shakes Frankland’s hand.) FRANKLAND: I had the honour of meeting Mr. Holmes at the W.H.O. conference in ... (he pretends to think) ... Brussels, was it? SHERLOCK: Vienna. FRANKLAND: Vienna, that’s it. (He looks at Barrymore.) FRANKLAND: This is Mr. Mycroft Holmes, Major. There’s obviously been a mistake. (Barrymore turns and nods to Lyons, who goes back to the alarm switch and turns it off. The lights stop flashing and the alarm falls silent. A moment later the entrance door’s lock disengages noisily.) BARRYMORE (turning back to Frankland): On your head be it, Doctor Frankland. FRANKLAND (laughing as he looks at the approaching Corporal Lyons): I’ll show them out, Corporal. LYONS: Very well, sir. (Sherlock spins on his heel and walks towards the now open entrance door. John and Frankland follow him while Barrymore glares after them unhappily. The boys go outside, John grimacing anxiously with an “Oh gods, I really hope we’re going to get away with this!” expression on his face. Frankland trots after them.) SHERLOCK: Thank you. FRANKLAND: This is about Henry Knight, isn’t it? (They don’t answer him but he takes their silence as agreement.) FRANKLAND: I thought so. I knew he wanted help but I didn’t realise he was going to contact Sherlock Holmes! (Sherlock grimaces.) FRANKLAND: Oh, don’t worry. I know who you really are. I’m never off your website. Thought you’d be wearing the hat, though. SHERLOCK: That wasn’t my hat. FRANKLAND (to John): I hardly recognise him without the hat! (John tries unsuccessfully to bite back a smile.) SHERLOCK (tetchily, sounding the ‘t’s loudly): It wasn’t my hat. FRANKLAND: I love the blog too, Doctor Watson. JOHN: Oh, cheers! FRANKLAND: The, er, the Pink thing ... JOHN: Mmm-hmm. FRANKLAND: ... and that one about the aluminium crutch! JOHN: Yes. SHERLOCK (stopping and turning back to Frankland): You know Henry Knight? FRANKLAND: Well, I knew his dad better. He had all sorts of mad theories about this place. Still, he was a good friend. (He looks back the way they came and sees that Major Barrymore is standing some distance away and watching them. He turns back to Sherlock.) FRANKLAND: Listen, I can’t really talk now. (He takes a card from his coat pocket and hands it over.) FRANKLAND: Here’s my, er, cell number. If I could help with Henry, give me a call. SHERLOCK: I never did ask, Doctor Frankland. What exactly is it that you do here? FRANKLAND: Oh, Mr. Holmes, I would love to tell you – but then, of course, I’d have to kll you! (He laughs cheerfully.) SHERLOCK (straight faced): That would be tremendously ambitious of you. (Frankland’s smile fades and he shrugs in embarrassment.) SHERLOCK: Tell me about Doctor Stapleton. FRANKLAND: Never speak ill of a colleague. SHERLOCK: Yet you’d speak well of one, which you’re clearly omitting to do. FRANKLAND: I do seem to be, don’t I? (He shrugs.) SHERLOCK (raising the card that Frankland just gave him): I’ll be in touch. FRANKLAND: Any time. (The boys walk away from him and head towards their Land Rover.) JOHN: So? SHERLOCK: So? JOHN: What was all that about the rabbit? (Smiling briefly, Sherlock pulls his coat tighter around him, flipping the collar up just as they reach the car. John rolls his eyes and turns to him.) JOHN: Oh, please, can we not do this, this time? SHERLOCK: Do what? JOHN: You being all mysterious with your cheekbones and turning your coat collar up so you look cool. (As he turns to go to the car door, Sherlock opens his mouth to speak but is apparently so disconcerted that for a moment he can’t find the words.) SHERLOCK: ... I don’t do that. JOHN: Yeah you do. (They get into the car.) Later, Sherlock is driving them across the moors. JOHN: So, the email from Kirsty – the, er, missing luminous rabbit. SHERLOCK: Kirsty Stapleton, whose mother specialises in genetic manipulation. JOHN: She made her daughter’s rabbit glow in the dark. SHERLOCK: Probably a fluorescent gene removed and spliced into the specimen. Simple enough these days. JOHN: So ... (He looks across to Sherlock and waits for him to continue the sentence.) SHERLOCK: So we know that Doctor Stapleton performs secret genetic experiments on animals. The question is: has she been working on something deadlier than a rabbit? JOHN: To be fair, that is quite a wide field. (Sherlock looks round at John in startled surprise as he realises that that’s true.) HENRY KNIGHT’S HOUSE. His home is enormous – a four-storey stone building that was probably a very important property in the area in the past. A large old-fashioned glass conservatory is attached to the rear of the building on the ground floor (and your transcriber looks round to her LJ friends who read her fic and whispers softly, “world’s smallest jungle ...” knowingly) and a modern two-storey glass extension has been built onto the side of the house to join it to another two-storey stone building nearby. Sherlock and John go into the conservatory, which looks very run-down and clearly hasn’t had a paint job in years, and walk across to the door on the opposite side. Sherlock rings the doorbell and Henry opens the door. HENRY: Hi. JOHN: Hi. HENRY: Come in, come in. (Wiping his feet on the doormat, Sherlock walks in and heads down the hallway. John follows more slowly, stopping to look into a large high-ceilinged sitting room before following Henry again.) JOHN: This is, uh ... are you, um ... (He searches for the right word for a moment before finding it.) JOHN: ... rich? HENRY: Yeah. JOHN: Right. (Henry leads off again. Sherlock throws a dark look at John before following him.) Not long afterwards, in the kitchen in the glass extension, Sherlock puts two sugar lumps into his mug and stirs them in. He is sitting on a stool at the central island and John is sitting next to him. Henry is standing on the other side of the island gazing down at the work surface. HENRY: It’s-it’s a couple of words. It’s what I keep seeing. “Liberty” ... JOHN (reaching into his pocket for his notebook): Liberty. HENRY (looking up to him): “Liberty” and ... “in”. It’s just that. (He picks up the bottle of milk that’s on the island.) HENRY: Are you finished? JOHN: Mmm. (Henry turns around to put the milk into the fridge. John looks at Sherlock.) JOHN: Mean anything to you? SHERLOCK (softly): “Liberty in death” – isn’t that the expression? The only true freedom. (John nods in agreement as Henry turns back around, sighing. Sherlock takes a drink from his mug.) HENRY: What now, then? JOHN: Sherlock’s got a plan. SHERLOCK: Yes. HENRY: Right. SHERLOCK: We take you back out onto the moor ... HENRY (nervously): Okay ... SHERLOCK: ... and see if anything attcks you. JOHN: What?! SHERLOCK: That should bring things to a head. HENRY: At night? You want me to go out there at night? SHERLOCK: Mmm. JOHN: That’s your plan? (He snorts laughter.) Brilliant(!) SHERLOCK: Got any better ideas? JOHN: That’s not a plan. SHERLOCK: Listen, if there is a monster out there, John, there’s only one thing to do: find out where it lives. (He looks round to Henry and smiles widely at him before taking another drink from his mug. Henry does not look encouraged by this.) DUSK. THE MOORS. As night begins to fall, Henry leads Sherlock and John across the rocks towards Dewer’s Hollow. All three of them have flashlights to light the uneven ground below their feet. Foxes scream repeatedly in the distance. By the time they reach the woods it is almost full dark and it becomes even darker as they head into the trees. John, bringing up the rear, hears rustling to his right and turns around to look. The other two don’t notice and continue onwards as John walks cautiously towards the sound he heard. He shines his torch into the bushes as an owl shrieks overhead, but he can see nothing. Raising his head he sees a light repeatedly winking on and off at the top of a hillside a fair distance away. He looks around to alert his friend. JOHN: Sher... (It’s only then that he realises that the other two have disappeared out of sight. He shines his flashlight in the direction they went but there’s no sign of them. He looks back to the light on the hillside, which is still intermittently flashing, and gets his notebook out of his pocket because he has instantly recognised that the flashes are Morse code. He starts to write down the letters while speaking them aloud.) JOHN (softly): U ... M ... Q ... R ... A. (The light stops flashing. John looks down at his notebook.) JOHN (in a whisper): U, M, Q, R, A. (He tries it as a word.) Umqra? (Shaking his head, he looks up to the hillside again but no more light comes from it. Shutting the notebook, he heads off in the direction of the other two.) JOHN (whispering): Sherlock ... (Henry and Sherlock are a long way ahead and Henry’s torch shows that they’re at the edge of the minefield with its fencing and warning signs. They make their way along the edge of the fencing as John trails a long way behind them, still whispering his friend’s name repeatedly.) JOHN: Sherlock ... Sherlock ... (Up ahead, Sherlock breaks the silence.) SHERLOCK: Met a friend of yours. HENRY: What? SHERLOCK: Doctor Frankland. HENRY: Oh, right. Bob, yeah. SHERLOCK: Seems pretty concerned about you. HENRY: He’s a worrier, bless him. He’s been very kind to me since I came back. SHERLOCK: He knew your father. HENRY: Yeah. SHERLOCK: But he works at Baskerville. Didn’t your dad have a problem with that? HENRY: Well, mates are mates, aren’t they? I mean, look at you and John. SHERLOCK: What about us? HENRY: Well, I mean, he’s a pretty straightforward bloke, and you ... (Glancing back at Sherlock, he decides not to follow that line.) HENRY: They agreed never to talk about work, Uncle Bob and my dad. (He stops and turns to his left. As Sherlock stops and looks at him, Henry nods in the direction he’s looking.) HENRY (unhappily): Dewer’s Hollow. (Sherlock turns and looks at the steep drop in the land that leads down into a misty dark valley.) (Some distance behind them, John is still following their trail.) JOHN (whispering): Sherlock ... (As he progresses onwards, he hears an eerie metallic thrumming sound. He stops and aims his flashlight in the direction of the sound, then goes to move onwards just as the thrum sounds again. The sound continues to repeat, now interspersed with a short metallic ping. John walks slowly towards the sound, then quietly chuckles as he sees a rusty metal container, possibly an oil drum, which is lying in the undergrowth. Water is dripping from the tree above it and causing the thrums and pings as it strikes the drum. As John looks at it and sighs with relief, something massive flashes past behind him. John spins and looks but it’s already gone, but a couple of seconds later an anguished howl sounds in the distance. John turns and begins to hurry to find the others.) (Sherlock is heading down into the Hollow, being careful to keep his balance on the steep slippery ground. Henry follows him down more slowly. Sherlock reaches the bottom and shines his torch around, finding giant paw prints all around the ground. Some distance away, John is now running to get to the others. Another long anguished howl rings out. Still halfway down the slope, Henry pauses. Sherlock shines his torch up in the direction of the sound ... and his face begins to fill with horror at the sight that greets him. Unfortunately for the viewers, we can’t see what he is looking at, but whatever it is growls savagely from the top of the Hollow. As the beam from Sherlock’s flashlight flails along the Hollow’s rim, the whatever-it-is has already retreated. Sherlock recoils, his face confused and bewildered as he tries to take in what he just saw. From his position some distance away, Henry hurries down to join him.) HENRY: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Did you see it? (Sherlock lowers his head, still unable to get his mind to accept the evidence of his eyes. He stares around, shaking his head, then shoves Henry out of his way and hurries back up the hillside. Henry follows him.) (Very shortly afterwards, John finally meets up with the other two making their way back.) JOHN (referring to the howling): Did you hear that? (Sherlock storms straight past him. John turns and follows.) HENRY: We saw it. We saw it. SHERLOCK: No. I didn’t see anything. HENRY (chasing after him): What? What are you talking about? SHERLOCK: I didn’t. See. Anything. (He hurries onwards with Henry and John trailing along behind him.) Some time later at Henry’s house, Henry and John hurry indoors. Sherlock has disappeared off elsewhere. HENRY: Look, he must have seen it. I saw it – he must have. He must have. I can’t ... Why? Why? (He stops in the doorway of the sitting room, turning back to John in anguish.) HENRY: Why would he say that? It-it-it-it it was there. It was. (Taking his gloves off, John ushers him across to the sofa.) JOHN: Henry, Henry, I need you to sit down, try and relax, please. HENRY (sitting on the sofa): I’m okay, I’m okay. JOHN: Listen, I’m gonna give you something to help you sleep, all right? (He looks around the room and sees a bottle of water on a bureau nearby. As he goes over to get it, Henry unwraps his scarf from his neck, smiling.) HENRY: This is good news, John. It’s-it’s-it’s good. I’m not crazy. There is a hound, there ... there is. And Sherlock – he saw it too. No matter what he said, he saw it. Sherlock is back at the inn. Sitting in an armchair by a roaring open fre, his face is still full of shock and disbelief. Unaware of his distress, other patrons sit at tables nearby having their evening meal. John comes in and sits down in the armchair on the other side of the fre. JOHN: Well, he is in a pretty bad way. He’s manic, totally convinced there’s some mutant super-dog roaming the moors. (With his hands in the prayer position in front of his mouth, Sherlock glances nervously at John for a moment, then continues to gaze in the direction of the fre, lost in thought.) JOHN: And there isn’t, though, is there? ’Cause if people knew how to make a mutant super-dog, we’d know. (Sherlock clasps his fingers together, closing his eyes and breathing heavily as if trying to fend off a panic attck.) JOHN: They’d be for sale. I mean, that’s how it works. (He remembers something and reaches for his notebook.) JOHN: Er, listen: er, on the moor I saw someone signalling. Er, Morse – I guess it’s Morse. (Sherlock blinks rapidly and repeatedly.) JOHN (looking at his notes): Doesn’t seem to make much sense. (Sherlock pulls in a sharp breath through his nose and then blows the breath out again through his mouth.) JOHN: Er, U, M, Q, R, A. Does that mean ... anything ... (He finally realises how distressed his colleague is looking and pauses for a moment, then decides that he can’t be right. He puts his notebook away again and sits back in his chair.) JOHN: So, okay, what have we got? We know there’s footprints, ’cause Henry found them; so did the tour guide bloke. We all heard something. (Sherlock blows out another shaky breath. John looks across to him and frowns momentarily.) JOHN: Maybe we should just look for whoever’s got a big dog. SHERLOCK: Henry’s right. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK (his voice shaking): I saw it too. JOHN (shocked): What? SHERLOCK: I saw it too, John. JOHN: Just ... just a minute. (He sits forward.) You saw what? (Sherlock finally meets his gaze but his face is twisted with self-loathing as he forces himself to admit the truth.) SHERLOCK: A hound, out there in the Hollow. (He talks through gritted teeth.) A gigantic hound. (John almost laughs as Sherlock looks away, trying unsuccessfully to blink back tears. John sits back in his chair again, not quite able to cope with this strange reaction from his colleague.) JOHN: Um, look, Sherlock, we have to be rational about this, okay? Now you, of all people, can’t just ... (Sherlock blows out another breath.) JOHN: Let’s just stick to what we know, yes? Stick to the facts. (Sherlock looks round at him.) SHERLOCK (softly): Once you’ve ruled out the impossible, whatever remains – however improbable – must be true. JOHN: What does that mean? (Looking away again, Sherlock reaches down and picks up a drink from a nearby table. Looking down at his trembling hand, he sniggers.) SHERLOCK: Look at me. I’m afraid, John. Afraid. (He takes a drink and then holds the glass up again, his hand still shaking.) JOHN: Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Always been able to keep myself distant ... (he takes another drink from the glass) ... divorce myself from ... feelings. But look, you see ... (He holds up the glass and glares at his shaking hand.) SHERLOCK: ... body’s betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions. (He slams the glass down onto the table.) The grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment. JOHN: Yeah, all right, Spock, just ... (Realising that he is starting to raise his voice, he looks around at the other people in the restaurant behind him and then looks back to Sherlock.) JOHN (more softly): ... take it easy. (Sherlock is blwing out a few more breaths and still failing to bring himself under control. He glances panic-stricken at John.) JOHN: You’ve been pretty wired lately, you know you have. I think you’ve just gone out there and got yourself a bit worked up. SHERLOCK: Worked ... up? JOHN: It was dark and scary ... SHERLOCK (laughing sarcastically): Me?! There’s nothing wrong with me. (He looks away, almost beginning to hyperventilate, then puts his fingertips to his temples, groaning in anguish. John looks at him in concern.) JOHN: Sherlock ... (Sherlock begins blwing out breaths again, his fingers trembling against his skin.) JOHN: Sher... SHERLOCK (loudly, furiously): THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! (He glares round at John.) SHERLOCK: DO YOU UNDERSTAND? (He looks round at the other patrons, all of whom are now staring at him. He looks away again, then looks at John.) SHERLOCK: You want me to prove it, yes? (He pulls in a deep breath, trying to get himself under control.) SHERLOCK: We’re looking for a dog, yes, a great big dog, that’s your brilliant theory. Cherchez le chien. Good, excellent, yes, where shall we start? (He looks over his shoulder and points at a man and woman sitting opposite each other at a table in the corner of the restaurant. His voice becomes savage and relentless as he goes into deduction mode.) SHERLOCK: How about them? The sentimental widow and her son, the unemployed fisherman. The answer’s yes. JOHN: Yes? SHERLOCK: She’s got a West Highland terrier called Whisky. Not exactly what we’re looking for. JOHN (quietly): Oh, Sherlock, for God’s sake ... (Sherlock looks briefly across at the man and his knitted jumper with reindeer and holly leaves on it before turning away again.) SHERLOCK (quick fre): Look at the jumper he’s wearing. Hardly worn. Clearly he’s uncomfortable in it. Maybe it’s because of the material; more likely the hideous pattern, suggesting it’s a present, probably Christmas. So he wants into his mother’s good books. Why? Almost certainly money. (He takes another quick glance at the man.) SHERLOCK (quick fre): He’s treating her to a meal but his own portion is small. That means he wants to impress her, but he’s trying to economise on his own food. JOHN: Well, maybe he’s just not hungry. SHERLOCK (quick fre, becoming almost frenetic): No, small plate. Starter. He’s practically licked it clean. She’s nearly finished her pavlova. If she’d treated him, he’d have had as much as he wanted. He’s hungry all right, and not well off – you can tell that by the state of his cuffs and shoes. (He asks the question he’s expecting to come from John at any moment.) SHERLOCK: “How d’you know she’s his mother?” (John, who until now has been looking at his colleague with concern as Sherlock’s voice – while lowered – has become increasingly intense, smiles briefly.) SHERLOCK (quick fre): Who else would give him a Christmas present like that? Well, it could be an aunt or an elder sister, but mother’s more likely. Now, he was a fisherman. Scarring pattern on his hands, very distinctive – fish hooks. They’re all quite old now, which suggests he’s been unemployed for some time. Not much industry in this part of the world, so he’s turned to his widowed mother for help. “Widowed?” Yes, obviously. She’s got a man’s wedding ring on a chain round her neck – clearly her late husband’s and too big for her finger. She’s well-dressed but her jewellery’s cheap. She could afford better, but she’s kept it – it’s sentimental. Now, the dog: tiny little hairs all over the leg from where it gets a little bit too friendly, but no hairs above the knees, suggesting it’s a small dog, probably a terrier. In fact it is – a West Highland terrier called Whisky. “How the hell do you know that, Sherlock?” ’Cause she was on the same train as us and I heard her calling its name and that’s not cheating, that’s listening, I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I’ve never been better, so just Leave. Me. Alone. (He glares at John, who stares back at him in shock.) JOHN: Yeah. (He clears his throat.) JOHN: Okay. Okay. (Distressed by his colleague’s venom, he tries to settle back in his chair as Sherlock stares towards the fre, breathing heavily.) JOHN: And why would you listen to me? I’m just your friend. SHERLOCK (savagely): I don’t have friends. JOHN (softly): Naah. Wonder why? (He gets up and walks away.) Shortly afterwards, John storms out of the pub and stops just outside, breathing heavily. He gazes up into the sky and blows out a breath, pulling himself together, then looks into the distance and his eyes narrow. The flashing light is back on the hillside. As it continues to flash, he starts to walk in its direction. HENRY’S HOUSE. Henry is asleep on the sofa at the edge of the kitchen. He has a duvet over him and a pillow under his head, presumably brought in by John after giving him a sleeping pill. Now he wakes, sits up and rubs his hands over his face, sighing. He stands up and walks over to the floor-to-ceiling glass doors and looks out into the dark garden. Still half asleep, he has a sudden mental flash of the word “Liberty” stitched into material, and then the following “In” word. Recoiling from the memory, he buries his face in his hands and sighs in anguish. MOORS. Using his torch to illuminate the way, John is walking towards the flashing light on the hillside. As he reaches the top of the hill he can hear a rhythmic squeaking noise, and then as he shines his light around he realises that there are several cars parked up there. The drivers sitting in each car flinch and hold their hands up to shield their faces from the beam from John’s torch, but they are also trying to avoid being identified and John now realises why as he turns his beam onto a car which has slightly steamed-up windows and which is rocking from side to side. Its headlights are intermittently flashing on and off. A woman’s voice comes from inside the car. WOMAN’s VOICE: Oh! Mr. Selden! You’ve done it again! MAN’s VOICE: Oh, I keep catching it with my belt. (As the inhabitants of the car groan and continue about their ... ahem, business, John lowers his torch.) JOHN: Oh, God. (He hesitates and squints at the car, almost tempted to take another look and half-raising his torch again, but then it fully hits him that the Morse messages he wrote down yesterday were nothing more than the random flashings of a car’s headlights during the sexual goings-on of a dogging site. He turns and heads back towards the pub.) JOHN: Sh... (As he walks away from the hillside his phone trills a text alert. He gets the phone out and looks at the message: Henry’s therapist currently in Cross Keys Pub S John writes a brief reply, speaking it aloud as he types.) JOHN: So? (The reply comes almost instantly: Interview her? John answers: WHY SHOULD I? After a moment he gets another alert: Downloading image ... Shortly afterwards the image arrives and he opens it. It’s a covertly-taken photograph of Louise Mortimer standing at the bar. She’s pretty, and around John’s age. He looks at the photo for a moment and then walks on.) JOHN: Ooh, you’re a bad man. (It’s not clear, however, whether he’s talking to himself or to Sherlock.) HENRY’S HOUSE. Henry has sat back down on the sofa and has wrapped the duvet around him. The television is on nearby but he is dozing and not paying attention to it. He wakes a little and looks out in the dark garden again, his eyes tired and heavy, then he turns to look at the TV. An old black and white film is showing several dogs running around somewhere dark and spooky-looking. Henry quickly changes the channel to a less thrat film that looks as if it’s set in a rural village during the 1940s. Suddenly the security lights outside the house come on. Henry looks anxiously into the garden but can see nothing moving in the bright lights. A few seconds later the lights fade out again. Henry turns his head away and instantly – unseen by him – something moves quickly across the garden by the back fence. Henry changes the TV channel again and picks the worst possible choice as a wolf snarls straight into the camera while a woman screams in terror offscreen. Recoiling in annoyed frustration, Henry turns the TV off. Instantly the security lights come on again. There still appears to be nothing out there but Henry gets up and walks closer to the glass doors. Just as the lights begin to fade again, a huge shape flicks across the garden at the far end. It moves so fast that it’s impossible to see what it is, except that it appears to be fairly low to the ground. Henry recoils in horror and looks across to a small cabinet on the other side of the room. He hesitates, almost afraid to move, but then runs across and scrabbles in the cabinet before pulling out a pstol. Panting in terror, he turns and looks out into the dark garden again and then, in a move that has every viewer yelling at the screen, “Never go nearer to the danger, you idiot!” he walks slowly towards the glass doors. Just as he almost has his nose against the glass the lights blaze again and a massive shape, most definitely looking like the head of a huge dog, slams against the glass on the other side and then immediately vanishes again. Screaming and wailing in panic, Henry stumbles back and aims his pstol at the glass. The lights fade out again. Henry sobs and a couple of seconds later the lights flash on yet again. His eyes rake over the garden but there’s nothing to be seen. The lights fade one more time and by now Henry has sunk to the floor, his hands over his face as he sobs in absolute terror. CROSS KEYS INN. John is sitting with Louise Mortimer in the pub. They are chatting and laughing. MORTIMER (giggling): That’s so mean! (John picks up a half-empty wine bottle from the table.) JOHN: Um, more wine, Doctor? MORTIMER: Are you trying to get me drunk, Doctor? JOHN: The thought never occurred! (He refills her glass.) MORTIMER: Because a while ago I thought you were chatting me up. JOHN (refilling his own glass): Ooh! Where did I go wrong? MORTIMER: When you started asking me about my patients. JOHN: Well, you see, I am one of Henry’s oldest friends. MORTIMER: Yeah, and he’s one of my patients, so I can’t talk about him. JOHN: Mmm. MORTIMER: Although he has told me about all his oldest friends. (She looks at him thoughtfully.) Which one are you? JOHN (hopefully): A new one? (She scoffs.) JOHN: Okay, what about his father? He wasn’t one of your patients. Wasn’t he some sort of conspiracy nutter ... (he quickly corrects himself) ... theorist? MORTIMER: You’re only a nutter if you’re wrong. JOHN: Mmm. And was he wrong? MORTIMER: I should think so! JOHN: But he got fixated on Baskerville, didn’t he? With what they were doing in there ... Couldn’t Henry have gone the same way, started imagining a hound? (Louise looks at him pointedly.) MORTIMER: Why d’you think I’m going to talk about this?! JOHN (laughing in acknowledgement of her seeing through him): Because I think you’re worried about him, and because I’m a doctor too ... (His face becomes more serious.) JOHN: ... and because I have another friend who might be having the same problem. (They lock eyes for a long moment and finally Louise sighs. She has apparently decided to tell him more than she really ought to ... but before she can even begin a hand claps down onto John’s shoulder from behind him. John looks round and sees Bob Frankland grinning at him.) FRANKLAND: Doctor Watson! JOHN (unhappily): Hi. FRANKLAND (to Louise): Hello. (To John) How’s the investigation going? JOHN (doing everything but roll his eyes in dismay): Hello. MORTIMER: What? Investigation? FRANKLAND: Didn’t you know? Don’t you read the blog? Sherlock Holmes! JOHN: It’s ... MORTIMER: Sherlock who? JOHN: No, it’s ... FRANKLAND: Private detective! (He claps John on the shoulder again.) This is his P.A! JOHN: P.A? FRANKLAND: Well, live-in P.A. JOHN: Perfect(!) MORTIMER: Live-in. JOHN: This is Doctor Mortimer, Henry’s therapist. FRANKLAND: Oh, hello. (He shakes hands with her.) Bob Frankland. (He turns back to John. As he speaks, Louise is already twisting on her chair to take her coat off the back.) FRANKLAND: Listen, tell Sherlock I’ve been keeping an eye on Stapleton. Any time he wants a little chat ... right? JOHN: Mmm. (Frankland laughs heartily, claps John on the shoulder yet again and then walks away. John looks at Louise and realises that she has got her coat in her hands.) JOHN: Oh. MORTIMER: Why don’t you buy him a drink? I think he likes you. (She stands up and leaves. John sighs.) DAY TIME. THE MOORS. Sherlock is back on the stony outcrop again, staring towards Baskerville. His eyes flick between the complex and Dewer’s Hollow as he tries to make sense of what happened the previous night, then he turns and looks back towards Grimpen Village. HENRY’S HOUSE. Henry goes to the door at the sound of a knock. As soon as he opens it Sherlock surges though, being loudly cheerful. SHERLOCK: Morning! (He’s about to head straight for the kitchen but suddenly turns around and clasps Henry by the shoulders.) SHERLOCK: Oh, how are you feeling? (Henry looks terrible. Sherlock ducks his head down to get a better look into his face.) HENRY (exhaustedly): I’m ... I didn’t sleep very well. SHERLOCK: That’s a shame. Shall I make you some coffee? (He looks up at the ceiling above the door and points.) Oh look, you’ve got damp! (He grins falsely at him until Henry turns his head to look, then drops the smile and turns and walks away towards the kitchen. Hurrying over to the cupboards, he starts opening and closing each one rapidly. Finally he finds the metal jar that he’s looking for and takes it out, rummaging inside it as he elbows the cupboard door closed. Tucking something inside his coat, he goes over to the sink and picks up a couple of mugs, taking them over to the central island just as Henry tiredly wanders in.) HENRY: Listen ... last night. (Sherlock gives him that horrifying attempt at a friendly smile as he takes the top off the coffee tin.) HENRY: Why did you say you hadn’t seen anything? I mean, I only saw the hound for a minute, but... (Sherlock has been dumping spoonfuls of coffee into the mugs without even looking, his eyes locked on Henry’s, and now he slams the coffee tin down onto the surface and steps closer to him, his eyes back to their normal intensity.) SHERLOCK: Hound. HENRY: What? SHERLOCK: Why do you call it a hound? Why a hound? HENRY: Why – what do you mean? SHERLOCK: It’s odd, isn’t it? Strange choice of words – archaic. It’s why I took the case. “Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound.” Why say “hound”? HENRY: I don’t know! I ... SHERLOCK: Actually, I’d better skip the coffee. (He flares out of the kitchen. Henry sighs wearily.) Later, Sherlock is walking back through the village but stops as he sees John in the church graveyard, sitting on the steps of a wr memorial and looking through the notes in his notebook. Sherlock goes through the kissing gate [shut up, my imagination ...] and walks along the path towards John, who looks up as he hears him approach. His expression becomes uncomfortable as he tucks his notebook into his pocket. Sherlock stops in front of him, also looking awkward. SHERLOCK: Did you, er, get anywhere with that Morse code? JOHN (stepping down): No. (He starts to walk away.) SHERLOCK: U, M, Q, R, A, wasn’t it? (John keeps walking and Sherlock follows along behind him. He voices the initials as a word.) SHERLOCK: UMQRA. JOHN: Nothing. (In Sherlock’s mind, he puts full stops in between the letters but still voices it as a word.) SHERLOCK: U.M.Q... JOHN: Look, forget it. It’s ... I thought I was on to something. I wasn’t. SHERLOCK: Sure? JOHN: Yeah. SHERLOCK: How about Louise Mortimer? Did you get anywhere with her? JOHN: No. SHERLOCK: Too bad. Did you get any information? (John smiles briefly and glances over his shoulder but still keeps walking.) JOHN: You being funny now? SHERLOCK: Thought it might break the ice a bit. JOHN: Funny doesn’t suit you. I’d stick to ice. (Sherlock looks at John’s retreating back, his face full of pain.) SHERLOCK: John ... JOHN: It’s fine. SHERLOCK: No, wait. What happened last night ... Something happened to me; something I’ve not really experienced before ... JOHN: Yes, you said: fear. Sherlock Holmes got scared. You said. (Sherlock catches him up, takes hold of his arm and pulls him round to face him.) SHERLOCK: No-no-no, it was more than that, John. It was doubt. I felt doubt. I’ve always been able to trust my senses, the evidence of my own eyes, until last night. JOHN: You can’t actually believe that you saw some kind of monster. SHERLOCK: No, I can’t believe that. (He grins bitterly for a moment.) But I did see it, so the question is: how? How? JOHN: Yes. Yeah, right, good. So you’ve got something to go on, then? Good luck with that. (He turns and starts to walk away again. Sherlock turns and calls after him.) SHERLOCK: Listen, what I said before, John. I meant it. (John stops and turns back to face him.) SHERLOCK: I don’t have friends. (He bites his lip briefly.) SHERLOCK: I’ve just got one. (John looks away as he takes that statement in for a moment, then he nods briefly and glances back at Sherlock.) JOHN: Right. (He turns and walks away again. Sherlock looks down, then instantly raises his head again as his eyes begin to flicker in realisation of something.) SHERLOCK: John? John! (He starts to chase after him.) SHERLOCK: You are amazing! You are fantastic! JOHN (not stopping): Yes, all right! You don’t have to overdo it. SHERLOCK (catching up and overtaking him, then walking backwards in front of him): You’ve never been the most luminous of people, but as a conductor of light you are unbeatable. JOHN: Cheers. ... What? (Sherlock turns round and walks beside him, taking out his own notebook and starting to write in it.) SHERLOCK: Some people who aren’t geniuses have an amazing ability to stimulate it in others. JOHN: Hang on – you were saying “Sorry” a minute ago. Don’t spoil it. Go on: what have I done that’s so bloody stimulating? (Sherlock stops just outside the pub door and turns back to John, showing what he has just written in his notebook: HOUND JOHN: Yeah? SHERLOCK (pulling the notebook back and writing in it again): But what if it’s not a word? What if it is individual letters? (He shows him the page of the notebook again, which now reads: H.O.U.N.D. JOHN: You think it’s an acronym? SHERLOCK (putting his notebook away): Absolutely no idea but ... (He turns towards the pub door and trails off as he sees a familiar figure standing inside at the bar. Wearing grey trousers and a grey shirt with a light jacket over the top, heavily suntanned and with sunglasses on, Detective Inspector Lestrade has his hands in his trouser pockets and is looking the absolute epitome of casual drop-dad gorgeousness. Fandom’s underwear simultaneously explodes worldwide and hello, Inspector, have you come to take down my particulars? Your transcriber sticks her head into a bucket of cold water for a minute and then continues as Sherlock storms into the pub.) SHERLOCK: What the hell are you doing here? LESTRADE: Well, nice to see you too(!) I’m on holiday, would you believe? SHERLOCK: No, I wouldn’t. LESTRADE (taking his sunglasses off as John walks over to the bar): Hullo, John. JOHN: Greg! LESTRADE: I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell like on the telly? SHERLOCK: I’m waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here? LESTRADE: I’ve told you: I’m on holiday. SHERLOCK: You’re brown as a nut. You’re clearly just back from your ‘holidays’. LESTRADE (trying to look nonchalant): Yeah, well I fancied another one. SHERLOCK: Oh, this is Mycroft, isn’t it? LESTRADE: No, look ... SHERLOCK: Of course it is! One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my handler to ... to spy on me incognito. Is that why you’re calling yourself Greg? JOHN: That’s his name. SHERLOCK (frowning): Is it? LESTRADE: Yes – if you’d ever bothered to find out. Look, I’m not your handler ... (he turns away to pick up his pint from the bar) ... and I don’t just do what your brother tells me. JOHN: Actually, you could be just the man we want. SHERLOCK: Why? JOHN: Well, I’ve not been idle, Sherlock. (He rummages in his trouser pocket.) I think I might have found something. (He shows Sherlock the sales invoice from Undershaw Meat Supplies which he stole off the bar while he was checking in.) JOHN: Here. Didn’t know if it was relevant; starting to look like it might be. That is an awful lot of meat for a vegetarian restaurant. SHERLOCK: Excellent. JOHN (looking at Greg): Nice scary inspector from Scotland Yard who can put in a few calls might come in very handy. (As Sherlock and Greg exchange a look, John slaps his hand down on the bell on top of the bar.) JOHN: Shop! Later, in the small Snug next to the bar, Greg is sitting at a table looking through paperwork – presumably previous invoices from Undershaw – while Gary the manager and Billy the chef sit at the other side of the table looking at him anxiously. Nearby, Sherlock has poured a cup of coffee from a filter machine and is stirring it. He ostentatiously taps the drips off the spoon into the cup and then picks it up and carries it over to John, offering it to him. JOHN: What’s this? SHERLOCK: Coffee. I made coffee. JOHN: You never make coffee. SHERLOCK: I just did. Don’t you want it? JOHN: You don’t have to keep apologising. (Sherlock looks away with a hurt expression on his face. John relents and takes the cup and saucer.) JOHN: Thanks. (Sherlock smiles happily. John takes a mouthful and grimaces.) JOHN: Mm. I don’t take sugar ... (The hurt expression comes back onto Sherlock’s face as he looks away again. He’s like a puppy whose owner has just told him off for chewing his slippers. John looks at his face and feels that he has no choice but to take another drink.) LESTRADE: These records go back nearly two months. (Grimacing at the taste, John puts the cup back into the saucer and looks at Sherlock.) JOHN: That’s nice. That’s good. (He turns away to put the drink down as Greg continues interrogating Gary and Billy.) LESTRADE: Is that when you had the idea, after the TV show went out? BILLY: It’s me. It was me. (He turns to his partner.) I’m sorry, Gary – I couldn’t help it. I had a bacon sandwich at Carol’s wedding and one thing just led to another ... (Sherlock grins behind him. Greg is equally disbelieving.) LESTRADE: Nice try. GARY: Look, we were just trying to give things a bit of a boost, you know? A great big dog run wild up on the moor – it was heaven-sent. It was like us having our own Loch Ness Monster. LESTRADE: Where do you keep it? GARY: There’s an old mineshaft. It’s not too far. It was all right there. SHERLOCK: “Was”? GARY (sighing): We couldn’t control the bloody thing. It was vicious. (He sighs again.) And then, a month ago, Billy took him to the vet and, er ... you know. JOHN: It’s dad? GARY: Put down. BILLY: Yeah. No choice. So it’s over. GARY: It was just a joke, you know? LESTRADE: Yeah, hilarious(!) (He stands up and looks down at them angrily.) LESTRADE: You’ve nearly driven a man out of his mind. (He walks out of the room. John follows him. Sherlock watches him go, then peers into John’s coffee cup before following. John follows Greg across the bar and out of the pub.) JOHN: You know he’s actually pleased you’re here? (Greg throws him a disbelieving look.) JOHN: Secretly pleased. LESTRADE: Is he? That’s nice(!) I suppose he likes having all the same faces back together. Appeals to his ... his ... (He stops and searches for the right word. John provides an appropriate suggestion.) JOHN: ... Asperger’s? (Sherlock comes out of the pub and glowers at John, having heard the last word.) LESTRADE: So, you believe him about having the dog destroyed? SHERLOCK: No reason not to. LESTRADE: Well, hopefully there’s no harm done. Not quite sure what I’d charge him with anyway. I’ll have a word with the local Force. (He nods to the boys.) LESTRADE: Right, that’s that, then. Catch you later. (He smiles.) I’m enjoying this! It’s nice to get London out of your lungs! (John watches him walk away, then turns to Sherlock.) JOHN: So that was their dog that people saw out on the moor? SHERLOCK: Looks like it. JOHN: But that wasn’t what you saw. That wasn’t just an ordinary dog. SHERLOCK: No. (His gaze become distant.) It was immense, had burning red eyes and it was glowing, John. Its whole body was glowing. (He shudders, shaking off the memory, then turns and walks towards the car park.) SHERLOCK: I’ve got a theory but I need to get back into Baskerville to test it. JOHN: How? Can’t pull off the ID trick again. SHERLOCK: Might not have to. (He has just got his phone out and ht a speed dial and now he lifts the phone to his ear.) SHERLOCK (insincerely into phone): Hello, brother dear. How are you? BASKERVILLE. After many generic scenes of some of the scientific experiments being conducted at the facility, none of which your humble transcriber can be bothered to type out [buy the DVD and support your favourite production team!], Doctor Stapleton can be seen handling a fluffy white bunny inside a large clear plastic dome. At the entrance gates, the Land Rover approaches and stops. An armed security man goes over to Sherlock’s side as the dog handler and sniffer dog also approach. SECURITY GUARD: Afternoon, sir. If you could turn the engine off. (Sherlock hands over his ID pass and switches the car off.) SECURITY GUARD: Thank you. (As he goes over the gate room to swipe the card and other soldiers check the vehicle over from the outside, Sherlock speaks quietly to John.) SHERLOCK: I need to see Major Barrymore as soon as we get inside. JOHN: Right. SHERLOCK: Which means you’ll have to start the search for the hound. JOHN: Okay. SHERLOCK: In the labs; Stapleton’s first. (The guard brings the ID card back and hands it over.) SHERLOCK (quietly to John): Could be dangerous. (John smiles momentarily. The gate slides open and Sherlock starts the car and drives onto the base.) LATER. MAJOR BARRYMORE’S OFFICE. The major is talking snarkily to Sherlock. BARRYMORE: Oh, you know I’d love to. I’d love to give you unlimited access to this place. Why not?(!) SHERLOCK: It’s a simple enough request, Major. BARRYMORE: I’ve never heard of anything so bizarre. SHERLOCK: You’re to give me twenty-four hours. It’s what I’ve ... (he pauses momentarily) ... negotiated. BARRYMORE (sternly): Not a second more. I may have to comply with this order but I don’t have to like it. (He swings around to his computer on the desk behind him as Sherlock starts to leave the office.) BARRYMORE: I don’t know what you expect to find here anyway. SHERLOCK (turning back): Perhaps the truth. BARRYMORE (looking round again): About what? Oh, I see. The big coat should have told me. (Sherlock frowns.) BARRYMORE: You’re one of the conspiracy lot, aren’t you? (He grins as Sherlock rolls his eyes.) BARRYMORE: Well, then, go ahead, seek them out: the monsters, the death rays, the aliens. SHERLOCK (nonchalantly): Have you got any of those? (Now it’s Barrymore’s turn to roll his eyes.) SHERLOCK: Oh, just wondering. BARRYMORE (leaning forward secretively): A couple. Crash landed here in the sixties. We call them Abbott and Costello. (He straightens up and turns back to his computer.) BARRYMORE: Good luck, Mr. Holmes. HENRY’S HOUSE. Henry is in the sitting room holding a framed photograph of himself when he was about five years old standing in between his parents. As he clutches the photograph he gazes into the distance with a lost expression on his face but gradually exhaustion begins to claim him and his eyelids begin to droop. Eventually his eyes close completely – and immediately the red glowing eyes of the hound flash in his mind. Gasping in horror, Henry opens his eyes again, and then wails in anguish. HENRY: Oh, God! (Sobbing, he clutches at his head and then buries his face in his hands and weeps in despair.) BASKERVILLE. The lift doors open into the first lab that the boys visited but this time only John comes out of the elevator. As he walks forward he sees that there are only two scientists in the room and even they are leaving through a side door. The second one turns off the main overhead lights as he goes, which leaves the room lit far more dimly by a few arc lights on stands which are dotted around and the screens of some computers. John looks around a little anxiously as he realises how spooky and quiet it is, then walks towards doors at the far end of the lab, the doors which Doctor Frankland came out of on the first occasion that they met him. He has a security pass in his pocket and he takes it out and swipes it through the reader. This must be an even more powerful card than the one which Sherlock used last time because it doesn’t require a second card to unlock the doors. John pulls the door open and goes inside, having apparently ignored – or been too BAMF to care about – the handwritten notice on the outside which reads: KEEP OUT UNLESS YOU WANT A COLD! He walks through the decontamination zone to the door at the far end and taps a finger on the glass window in the door. When nobody replies he pushes the door open and goes into a room which has a glass-walled section on the left hand side. There’s a glass cage inside the sealed section but there doesn’t appear to be anything inside. In front of him is a desk with equipment, folders, a phone and various other things on it, and above the desk are small plastic tubes coming out of the wall and dials that indicate that these tubes dispense various gases. John opens the door of a small cupboard set into the desk but finds nothing of interest and so continues looking around. On the right hand side of the room are large metal pipes which presumably also carry gases. One of them is leaking slightly. John peers around a little longer and then comes out of the room and goes back through the decontamination zone and into the lab. Just to his right is a large arc light on a stand. As John turns to his right to close the door behind him, the thing lights up and nine bright bulbs shine straight into his eyes. He squinches his eyes shut and turns his head away, grimacing at the pain. JOHN: Oh, no! Jesus! Ow! (Opening his eyes a little, he squints and tries to see into the room. All the other lights in the room appear to have come on as well and – with his own vision blanked out by the arc lights – there’s a wall of whiteness all around him. Just then a loud insistent alarm begins to blare into the room. John groans and covers his ears, completely overwhelmed by the bright light, lack of vision and the noise. Grimacing, he tries to make his way across the lab to the lift, holding his hand up in front of his eyes as the after-image of the arc lights keeps blanking out his vision. Finally reaching the other end of the lab, he pulls out the ID card and swipes it through the reader. It whines and tells him “ACCESS DENIED”. He stares in disbelief and swipes the card again but it whines and gives him the same message. Holding one hand to an ear as the alarm continues to blare, he tries once more.) JOHN: Come on. (The same whine and message is repeated. John glares at it in exasperation – and at that moment all the lights go out and the alarm drones into silence. The room is now under emergency lighting only, which is dark red and barely illuminates the area.) JOHN (under his breath): What the f...? (He scrabbles in his pocket for his flashlight and switches it on, although its beam isn’t very helpful against the continued after-image of the arc lights which is still affecting his retinas. He calls out.) JOHN: Hello? (He screws his eyes shut for a moment in a failed attempt to clear the after-images. As he opens his eyes again and peers through the bright dots, a shadow seems to flicker across the room some distance away. John blinks and looks around the room, the after-images still frustrating his ability to see anything clearly. He lowers his head into his hand and rubs his eyes for a few seconds, then raises his head again, realising how ominously quiet it now is in the lab. But that doesn’t last long as something rattles to his right. He walks forward cautiously, looking a little anxiously at the row of large cages which he now realises are all covered with sheeting that obscures their contents. The rattle sounds again. John walks slowly to the first of the cages, turning once to check behind him, then grabs hold of the sheeting and pulls it back to show that the first cage is empty. Pulling the sheet back down again, he walks to the next cage as something clinks near the lift doors. He swings around to look and shines his torch in that direction but can see nothing. He turns again and grabs the sheet over the second cage, tossing that back. Again the cage is empty, and the door is open. He moves on to the third cage and throws back the sheet. The monkey inside hurls itself at him, screaming as it grabs at the bars. John drops the sheet and stumbles back several paces, breathing heavily. He walks to the final cage and looks at it, then slowly his gaze is pulled down to the bottom of the bars where the sheeting has been pushed back a little. The door of the cage is slightly ajar and the bottom of it has been bent back by something that must be incredibly strong. As John stares at the bent bars in disbelief, a low savage growl sounds behind him. John spins around, his eyes going wide as he shines his flashlight around but he can see nothing. He sees the nearby door to the Cold Lab and walks briskly over to it, taking out his ID card and swiping it. The reader whines its ACCESS DENIED alert.) JOHN: No, come on, come on. (He swipes the card again. Again it refuses to open the door. He stares in anguish, then pulls his mobile out of his pocket while shining his light around the room. He hits the speed dial and holds the phone to his ear as it begins to ring out and continues to ring.) JOHN (under his breath): No, you ... Don’t be ridiculous, pick up. (Eventually he gives up and switches the phone off again.) JOHN (in a whisper): Oh, dammit! (Putting the phone back in his pocket he looks across the room determinedly.) JOHN (softly): Right. (Trying to shine his torch in all directions at once and making his way cautiously around all the workstations and islands, he hurries as quickly as he can towards the side door through which the scientists left earlier. As he goes, the distinctive sound of claws on floor tiles skitters across the room.) JOHN (under his breath): Oh sh... (Ducking low, he hurries to the door and takes out his card again.) JOHN (in a whisper): Okay ... (As he reaches towards the card reader, the claws trot across the floor to his right, and then something snarls. John turns and stares, breathing heavily, as there are more sounds nearby – claws on the floor tiles, equipment being pushed aside, and then a low ominous growl. John shoves the card back into his pocket and then claps his hand over his mouth to dampen his own panicked breathing as the growl rumbles on. As the growl finally falls silent, John makes a break for it and races across the room, running towards the cages and pulling open the door of one of the empty ones before scrambling inside, slamming the door shut and bolting it and then reaching through the bars and pulling the sheet down over the cage. Elsewhere in the lab, the whatever-it-is snarls as John retreats from the door and squats down against the side bars, wrapping his hand around his mouth again and trying not to sob as the creature growls again.) (Suddenly John’s phone starts to ring. Gasping, he scrambles in his pocket to retrieve it. He answers it on the second ring and holds it up towards his mouth. He keeps his voice as soft as he possibly can but even at such a low volume his terror is evident.) JOHN (softly): It’s here. It’s in here with me. SHERLOCK (over phone): Where are you? JOHN (softly): Get me out, Sherlock. You have got to get me out. The big lab: the first lab that we saw. (He breathes heavily. Outside, the creature growls. John whines loudly in terror and claps his hand over his mouth again.) SHERLOCK (over phone): John? John? JOHN (lowering his hand and keeping his voice no more than a whisper): Now, Sherlock. Please. SHERLOCK (over phone): All right, I’ll find you. Keep talking. JOHN (softly): I can’t. It’ll hear me. SHERLOCK (over phone): Keep talking. What are you seeing? (Throughout the conversation John has been peering through the small gap in the sheeting but the room is so dimly lit that he hasn’t been able to see anything.) SHERLOCK (over phone): John? (The creature snarls again.) JOHN (softly): Yes, I’m here. SHERLOCK (insistently, over phone): What can you see? (Getting onto his knees, John crawls closer to the gap in the sheeting, trying to keep his terrified breathing under control.) JOHN (softly): I don’t know. I don’t know, but I can hear it. (The creature growls loudly.) JOHN (softly, terrified): Did you hear that? SHERLOCK (over phone): Stay calm, stay calm. Can you see it? (John peers into the gloom.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Can you see it? JOHN (quietly): No. I can ... (He trails off, then slowly straightens up, retreats backwards and sits back against the side bars as his face fills with absolute horror.) JOHN (in a whisper): I can see it. (He stares ahead of himself, his eyes full of dread as a shadow begins to move on the other side of the sheeting.) JOHN (flatly): It’s here. (The shadow moves closer as the creature growls once more.) JOHN (flatly): It’s here. (The shadow moves closer ... and then the sheeting is tugged upwards as the lights come on in the lab and Sherlock’s face appears on the other side of the cage, looking anxiously down at him as he pulls the door open and goes inside.) SHERLOCK (worriedly): Are you all right? (John’s eyes widen in utter bewilderment as Sherlock bends down to him and puts a hand onto his shoulder.) SHERLOCK: John ... JOHN: Jesus Christ ... (He grabs the bars and pulls himself to his feet, hurrying out of the cage and stuffing his phone away as he turns back to his friend.) JOHN (still breathless and panic-stricken): It was the hound, Sherlock. It was here. I swear it, Sherlock. It must ... (He looks around the lab which – now fully illuminated – shows that there’s nowhere that a large monster can be hiding.) JOHN: It must ... (His voice becomes high-pitched.) JOHN: Did ... did ... did you see it? You must have! (Sherlock holds out a placatory hand towards him.) SHERLOCK: It’s all right. It’s okay now. JOHN (high-pitched, frantic and hysterical): NO IT’S NOT! IT’S NOT OKAY! I saw it. I was wrong! (Sherlock shrugs as John breathes heavily.) SHERLOCK: Well, let’s not jump to conclusions. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: What did you see? JOHN: I told you: I saw the hound. SHERLOCK: Huge; red eyes? JOHN: Yes. SHERLOCK: Glowing? JOHN: Yeah. SHERLOCK: No. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: I made up the bit about glowing. You saw what you expected to see because I told you. You have been drugged. We have all been drugged. JOHN: Drugged? SHERLOCK: Can you walk? JOHN (his voice shaky): ’Course I can walk. SHERLOCK: Come on, then. It’s time to lay this ghost. (He turns and heads for the door. Still trying to catch his breath, John looks around the lab again, then stumbles after Sherlock.) In a small room full of cages, Doctor Stapleton is examing a fluffy white rabbit on a metal table. She looks up as Sherlock comes through the door, followed by John. STAPLETON: Oh. Back again? What’s on your mind this time? SHERLOCK: mrder, Doctor Stapleton. Refined, cold-blooded mrder. (He reaches back and turns off the light switch by the door. The limited lighting coming from the window at the end of the room is just enough to show that the rabbit is brightly glowing green. Sherlock turns the lights back on again.) SHERLOCK: Will you tell little Kirsty what happened to Bluebell or shall I? (He smiles unpleasantly at her. She sighs.) STAPLETON: Okay. What do you want? SHERLOCK: Can I borrow your microscope? LATER. In a larger lab, Sherlock is gazing into a microscope. Unhappy with what he’s seeing, he turns away from the ’scope and crushes something which looks crystalline into smaller pieces with a little hammer. Time passes and he varies between sitting with his back to the microscope, his hands folded in the prayer position in front of him as he thinks, or gazing into the ’scope, or scribbling chemical formulae onto the desk with different coloured marker pens. Nearby, John sits on a stool with his head propped on his hand, gazing blankly into space. Doctor Stapleton is standing near him. STAPLETON: Are you sure you’re okay? (John looks up at her, blinking.) STAPLETON: You look very peaky. JOHN: No, I’m all right. STAPLETON: It was the GFP gene from a jellyfish, in case you’re interested. JOHN: What? STAPLETON: In the rabbits. JOHN: Mmm, right, yes. STAPLETON (proudly): Aequoria Victoria, if you really want to know. (John looks up at her.) JOHN: Why? STAPLETON: Why not? We don’t ask questions like that here. It isn’t done. (A short distance from them, Sherlock looks increasingly irritated as he picks up another slide and puts it under the microscope.) STAPLETON: There was a mix-up, anyway. My daughter ended up with one of the lab specimens, so poor Bluebell had to go. JOHN (cynically): Your compassion’s overwhelming. STAPLETON (mockingly): I know. I hate myself sometimes. JOHN: So, come on then. You can trust me – I’m a doctor. What else have you got hidden away up here? (Exasperated, Sherlock takes the slide out again. Stapleton sighs.) STAPLETON: Listen: if you can imagine it, someone is probably doing it somewhere. Of course they are. (Sherlock is staring intently at his latest slide but his eyes drift across towards John and Stapleton briefly.) JOHN: And cloning? STAPLETON: Yes, of course. Dolly the Sheep, remember? JOHN: Human cloning? STAPLETON: Why not? JOHN: What about animals? Not sheep ... big animals. STAPLETON: Size isn’t a problem, not at all. The only limits are ethics and the law, and both those things can be ... very flexible. But not here – not at Baskerville. (Furious, Sherlock snatches the latest slide out from under the ’scope and hurls it against the nearest wall.) SHERLOCK (livid): It’s not there! JOHN: Jesus! SHERLOCK: Nothing there! Doesn’t make any sense. STAPLETON: What were you expecting to find? SHERLOCK (pacing): A drug, of course. There has to be a drug – a hallucinogenic or a delirient of some kind. There’s no trace of anything in the sugar. JOHN: Sugar? SHERLOCK: The sugar, yes. It’s a simple process of elimination. I saw the hound – saw it as my imagination expected me to see it: a genetically engineered monster. But I knew I couldn’t believe the evidence of my own eyes, so there were seven possible reasons for it, the most possible being narcotics. Henry Knight – he saw it too but you didn’t, John. You didn’t see it. Now, we have eaten and drunk exactly the same things since we got to Grimpen apart from one thing: you don’t take sugar in your coffee. JOHN: I see. So ... SHERLOCK: I took it from Henry’s kitchen – his sugar. (He glares down at the microscope.) It’s perfectly all right. JOHN: But maybe it’s not a drug. SHERLOCK: No, it has to be a drug. (He has sat on the stool with his head buried in his hands. Now he lowers his hands a little but keeps his head bowed and his eyes closed.) SHERLOCK: But how did it get into our systems. How? (Slowly he begins to raise his head, still keeping his eyes closed.) SHERLOCK: There has to be something ... (The word ‘hound’ keeps drifting across his mind’s eye. He turns his head repeatedly as he tries to follow the words inside his head.) SHERLOCK: ... something ... ah, something ... (His eyes open.) SHERLOCK: ... something buried deep. (Taking a sharp breath through his nose, he turns and points imperiously at John and Stapleton.) SHERLOCK: Get out. STAPLETON: What? SHERLOCK: Get out. I need to go to my mind palace. (John sags on his seat with an “Oh, not again” look.) STAPLETON: Your what? (Sherlock has already turned his head away again and is staring ahead of himself. John gets off his stool.) JOHN: He’s not gonna be doing much talking for a while. We may as well go. (Sherlock is breathing deeply, focusing his thoughts. Stapleton follows John as he heads for the door.) STAPLETON: His what? JOHN: Oh, his mind palace. It’s a memory technique – a sort of mental map. You plot a map with a location – it doesn’t have to be a real place – and then you deposit memories there that ... Theoretically, you can never forget anything; all you have to do is find your way back to it. STAPLETON: So this imaginary location can be anything – a house or a street. JOHN: Yeah. STAPLETON: But he said “palace”. He said it was a palace. JOHN (looking back towards Sherlock for a moment): Yeah, well, he would, wouldn’t he? (He leads her out of the room.) (Sherlock gazes ahead of himself, his mind turned inwards as he walks through his memories unearthing everything he can recall in connection with the word “Liberty”. I could do much better justice to describing the visual process that we watch, but if you want this transcript printed this side of the London Olympics, I need to get it finished and I may try to come back and improve this section in the future. As Sherlock accesses different examples of the word and finds them unsuitable, he physically flicks them away with his hands and pulls in new variations before brushing those aside. The word “hound” creeps into his mind and drifts across it as he temporarily gives up on “Liberty” and shifts to “In”, adding various letters onto the word to form new ones like “Inn”, “India”, “Ingolstadt” [and ‘Frankenstein’ fans sob] and “Indium atomic number = 49”.) (Flicking that line of thought away, he starts calling up images of large dogs, running through various breeds and temporarily being distracted by the image of Elvis Presley starting to sing “Hound Dog”. Irritated, he brushes that aside and tries to pull in all three words – Liberty, In, Hound – simultaneously and suddenly his eyes snap open and he jolts three times as if he’s being repeatedly struck by lightning as the words finally crash into place: Liberty, Indiana H.O.U.N.D. He sinks back on his seat for a moment, then stands up and heads out of the lab.) NIGHT TIME. THE MOORS. The hound howls and Henry races across the grass, his pstol in one hand, terrified as the hound snarls behind him. Henry runs on, glancing back repeatedly as he hears his pursuer gaining on him. Two red glowing eyes loom out of the darkness each time he looks around, but now he suddenly seems to realise that he has a gn in his hand and he turns and fires towards the eyes. Glass shatters and Louise Mortimer screams as she throws herself out of her chair in the sitting room of Henry’s house and cowers on the floor. Just beside her chair, the mirror on the wall has shattered under the impact of the bllet which Henry just fired into it. Sobbing and cowering, she looks up at Henry as he continues to aim at the mirror, his face blank, but now he comes back to himself and looks at the pstol in horror. HENRY: Oh my God. (Louise continues to sob.) HENRY: Oh my God. Oh my God. I am so ... I am so sorry. I am so sorry. (He turns and runs from the room.) BASKERVILLE. Stapleton leads Sherlock and John along a corridor and uses her card to swipe them into the area leading to Major Barrymore’s office. As they go into the room, Sherlock points back to the door they just came through. SHERLOCK: John. JOHN: Yeah, I’m on it. (He turns back to keep an eye on the door as Stapleton goes over to sit down at a computer.) SHERLOCK: Project HOUND. Must have read about it and stored it away. An experiment in a CIA facility in Liberty, Indiana. (He stands behind Stapleton as she types her User ID onto the computer, then adds her password. A request to “Enter Search String” comes up and she looks up at Sherlock who dictates the letters.) SHERLOCK: H, O, U, N, D. (She types in the letters and hits Enter. A message comes up saying ”NO ACCESS. CIA Classified” and requesting an authorisation code.) STAPLETON: That’s as far as my access goes, I’m afraid. JOHN: Well, there must be an override and password. STAPLETON: I imagine so, but that’d be Major Barrymore’s. (Sherlock spins around and walks into Barrymore’s office.) SHERLOCK: Password, password, password. (Switching on the lights in the room he sits down at the desk.) SHERLOCK: He sat here when he thought it up. (Folding his hands in front of his mouth, he slowly spins a full circle on the chair, looking around the office as he goes. Stapleton comes to the doorway.) SHERLOCK: Describe him to me. STAPLETON: You’ve seen him. SHERLOCK: But describe him. STAPLETON: Er, he’s a bloody martinet, a throw-back, the sort of man they’d have sent into Suez. SHERLOCK: Good, excellent. Old-fashioned, traditionalist; not the sort that would use his children’s names as a password. (He gestures towards the drawings that Barrymore’s children have done for him and which he has pinned on the board above his desk.) He loves his job; proud of it and this is work-related, so what’s at eye level? (He rapidly scans around everything in the room without altering the angle of his eyes.) SHERLOCK (gesturing to the right): Books. (Pointing to the left) Jane’s Defence Weekly – bound copies. (He looks to the right again and at the subject matter of some of the books on the bookshelf.) Hannibal; Wellington; Rommel; Churchill’s “History of the English-Speaking Peoples” – all four volumes. (He stands up and looks at a bronze bust on a shelf.) SHERLOCK: Churchill – well, he’s fond of Churchill. (He looks back to the bookcases again.) Copy of “The Downing Street Years”; one, two, three, four, five separate biographies of Thatcher. (He looks down to a framed photograph on the desk of a man in uniform standing with his teenage son.) SHERLOCK: Mid nineteen eighties at a guess. Father and son: Barrymore senior. (Looking at the uniform of the older man) Medals: Distinguished Service Order. (He looks around to John.) JOHN: That date? I’d say Falklands veteran. SHERLOCK: Right. So Thatcher’s looking a more likely bet than Churchill. (He walks out of the office and heads back towards the computer.) STAPLETON (following him): So that’s the password? SHERLOCK: No. With a man like Major Barrymore, only first name terms would do. (Leaning down to the keyboard, he starts to type Margaret Thatcher’s first name into the “Auth code” box but stops as he reaches the penultimate letter, narrows his eyes and deletes everything back to the first letter, then retypes it as “Maggie”. Looking into the screen and gritting his teeth ever so slightly, he hits Enter. The computer beeps happily and announces “OVERRIDE 300/421 ACCEPTED. Loading ...”) (John comes over from the door to look at the screen. After a slight pause information begins to stream across the screen as everything related to Project H.O.U.N.D. becomes available. Sherlock’s concentration becomes intense as he takes it all in and focuses on certain phrases like “extreme suggestibility”, “fear and stimulus”, “conditioned terror”, “aerosol dispersal”. A photograph comes up of the project team posing happily together and he identifies the five project leaders amongst the larger group: Elaine Dyson, Mary Uslowski, Rick Nader, Jack O’Mara and Leonard Hansen. Clearing the photo from the screen he rearranges the names into another order: Leonard Hansen Jack O’Mara Mary Uslowski Rick Nader Elaine Dyson Standing beside him, Doctor Stapleton finally begins to understand.) STAPLETON: HOUND. (She stares in growing horror at the screen as more information from the project appears and words and phrases are highlighted such as “Paranoia”, “Severe frontal lobe damage”, “Blood-brain” “Gross cranial trauma”, “Dangerous acceleration”, “Multiple homicide”, accompanied by photographs of some of the subjects of the project screaming insanely.) JOHN (softly): Jesus. SHERLOCK (still scanning the information as it flows across the screen): Project HOUND: a new deleriant drug which rendered its users incredibly suggestible. They wanted to use it as an anti-personnel wapon to totally disorientate the enemy using fear and stimulus; but they shut it down and hid it away in nineteen eighty-six. STAPLETON: Because of what it did to the subjects they tested it on. SHERLOCK: And what they did to others. Prolonged exposure drove them insane – made them almost uncontrollably aggressive. JOHN: So someone’s been doing it again – carrying on the experiments? SHERLOCK: Attempting to refine it, perhaps, for the last twenty years. STAPLETON: Who? (John nods at the screen, indicating the names of the project leaders.) JOHN: Those names mean anything to you? STAPLETON: No, not a thing. SHERLOCK (sighing): Five principal scientists, twenty years ago. (He pulls up the photograph of the team and begins zooming in on individuals within it. The closer footage shows that they are all wearing identical sweatshirts. Looming out of a diamond pattern in the centre of the sweatshirts is a large snarling wolf’s head and the legend “H.O.U.N.D.” is printed underneath. There is some smaller text underneath but it’s not yet clear what it says. Sherlock continues to zoom in and out of the photo to look more closely at the faces.) SHERLOCK: Maybe our friend’s somewhere in the back of the picture – someone who was old enough to be there at the time of the experiments in 1986 ... (He stops as he sees a face he recognises, and rolls his eyes a little as he realises the truth.) SHERLOCK: Maybe somebody who says “cell phone” because of time spent in America. You remember, John? JOHN: Mmm-hmm. (Brief flashback to Doctor Frankland giving a card to Sherlock and saying, “Here’s my, er, cell number.”) SHERLOCK: He gave us his number in case we needed him. STAPLETON (staring at the photo on the screen): Oh my God. Bob Frankland. But Bob doesn’t even work on ... I mean, he’s a virologist. This was chemical warfare. SHERLOCK: It’s where he started, though ... and he’s never lost the certainty, the obsession that that drug really could work. Nice of him to give us his number. (He reaches into his pocket and takes out Bob’s card.) Let’s arrange a little meeting. (He walks away from the computer. John walks closer to it and looks at the last image – a very tight close-up of one of the sweatshirts. Stitched below the “H.O.U.N.D.” legend is the name of the American town and state where the project was based: “Liberty, In”.) (Just then John’s phone begins to ring. He digs it out of his pocket and frowns at the number on the screen, apparently not recognising it. He answers.) JOHN: Hello? (Initially the only sound he can hear is a woman crying.) JOHN: Who’s this? MORTIMER (over the phone): You’ve got to find Henry. (John looks round to Sherlock.) JOHN: It’s Louise Mortimer. (Into phone) Louise, what’s wrong? MORTIMER (tearfully): Henry was ... was remembering; then ... he tried ... (She gasps.) MORTIMER: He’s got a gn. He went for the gn and tried to ... JOHN: What? (She breaks down in tears again.) MORTIMER: He’s gone. You’ve got to stop him. I don’t know what he might do. JOHN: Where-where are you? MORTIMER: His house. I’m okay, I’m okay. JOHN: Right: stay there. We’ll get someone to you, okay? (Lowering his phone, he begins to text.) SHERLOCK: Henry? JOHN: He’s attcked her. SHERLOCK: Gone? JOHN: Mmm. SHERLOCK (hitting a speed dial on his own phone): There’s only one place he’ll go to: back to where it all started. (Into phone) Lestrade. Get to the Hollow. ... Dewer’s Hollow, now. And bring a gn. With the pstol still in his hand, Henry is walking briskly across the moors towards the woods surrounding Dewer’s Hollow. Some distance behind him, Sherlock and John race across the terrain in the Land Rover. Unaware of this, Henry continues onwards, stopping momentarily to stare tearfully at the woods ahead of him, but then he continues onwards. Not long afterwards Sherlock pulls up presumably where the woods begin and he and John get out and continue on foot. Henry reaches the lip of the Hollow and begins to make his way down into the misty valley. Reaching the bottom he slows down and stumbles slowly forward, wandering around vaguely for a moment before coming to a halt. HENRY (softly): I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dad. (Squatting down, he brings the pstol up and opens his mouth as he aims the muzzle towards it.) SHERLOCK: No, Henry, no! No! (He and John scramble down the slope, shining their torches at him. Henry stands up and stumbles backwards, waving the pstol vaguely in their direction. His voice is high-pitched and hysterical.) HENRY: Get back. Get – get away from me! JOHN: Easy, Henry. Easy. Just relax. HENRY: I know what I am. I know what I tried to do! JOHN: Just put the gn down. It’s okay. HENRY (his voice hoarse with anguish): No, no, I know what I am! SHERLOCK (as reassuring as he’ll ever sound): Yes, I’m sure you do, Henry. It’s all been explained to you, hasn’t it – explained very carefully. HENRY: What? SHERLOCK: Someone needed to keep you quiet; needed to keep you as a child to reassert the dream that you’d both clung on to, because you had started to remember. (He begins to step closer to the young man.) SHERLOCK: Remember now, Henry. You’ve got to remember what happened here when you were a little boy. (Henry’s gn hand begins to droop momentarily but then he raises it again, his face full of his struggle to understand.) HENRY: I thought it had got my dad – the hound. I thought ... (He loses control and begins to scream in anguish.) HENRY: Oh Je... oh Jesus, I don’t – I don’t know any more! (Sobbing, he bends forward and aims the muzzle into his mouth again.) JOHN (lurching forward towards him): No, Henry! Henry, for God’s sake! SHERLOCK (urgently): Henry, remember. “Liberty In.” Two words; two words a frightened little boy saw here twenty years ago. (Henry begins to calm a little but still remains hunched over with the gn’s muzzle against his mouth.) SHERLOCK: You’d started to piece things together, remember what really happened here that night. It wasn’t an animal, was it, Henry? (Henry starts to straighten up, blinking.) SHERLOCK: Not a monster. (Henry turns to look at him.) SHERLOCK: A man. (Henry’s eyes widen as the memories begin to come. In brief flashes he starts to relive the truth. As he has always remembered, his father is scrabbling at the ground as he tries to get away from his attacker, but now for the first time Henry can see that what is pulling him backwards across the earth is not a creature but a man wearing a dark leather old-fashioned gas mask. The glass of the two large eye pieces is tinted a dark red and in the limited light available the eye pieces seem to be glowing. Young Henry watches from partway up the slope, cringing and terrified as the attacker pummels at his father, half strangling him and then punching wildly at his face. Mr. Knight manages to pull himself from under his assailant and starts to crawl away but the other man, growling fiercely, tugs him backwards and Henry’s father loses his balance and falls forward. His head strikes a rock and he collapses to the ground unmoving. Breathing heavily through the gas mask, the other man pokes at him, realises that he isn’t going to move again and gets to his feet. He looks down at the man he has just klled and young Henry sees the sweatshirt he is wearing, with its picture of a snarling wolf-like creature, the letters H.O.U.N.D. underneath and “Liberty, In” below them. Young Henry’s mind begins to mix everything up and, some hours later as he meets the old lady walking her dog, his new horror is complete as he screams in utter terror.) (In the present he gapes at Sherlock as the truth reasserts itself in his mind.) SHERLOCK: You couldn’t cope. You were just a child, so you rationalised it into something very different. But then you started to remember, so you had to be stopped; driven out of your mind so that no-one would believe a word that you said. (Quietly John steps forward, holding out his hand encouragingly towards Henry as Greg Lestrade arrives and calls out as he trots down the slope towards them.) LESTRADE: Sherlock! JOHN (gently to Henry): Okay, it’s okay, mate. (He carefully takes the pstol from Henry’s fingers. Henry speaks tearfully to Sherlock.) HENRY: But we saw it: the hound, last night. We s... we, we, we did, we saw ... SHERLOCK: Yeah, but there was a dog, Henry, leaving footprints, scaring witnesses, but it was nothing more than an ordinary dog. We both saw it – saw it as our drugged minds wanted us to see it. Fear and stimulus; that’s how it works. (Henry stares at him in confusion. Sherlock returns his look sympathetically.) SHERLOCK: But there never was any monster. (The hound has different ideas, however, and now its anguished howl rings out in the woods above them. Everyone’s head snaps up and John and Greg aim their flashlights upwards to the top of the Hollow where a low shape can be seen slowly stalking along the rim and snarling.) JOHN: Sherlock ... (Sherlock stares up in disbelief as Henry turns to him, horrified.) HENRY: No. (He begins to wail in panic.) No, no, no, no! (He backs away as Sherlock tries simultaneously to hold out a calming hand towards him while keeping his own torch shining up towards the creature above them.) SHERLOCK: Henry, Henry ... JOHN: Sherlock ... (The creature continues to slink along the rim of the Hollow as Henry begins to scream in abject terror. He crumples to his knees, continually screaming, “No!”) JOHN: Henry! (The hound turns towards the Hollow and looks down at everyone, snarling viciously. Its eyes glow in the torchlight as Henry continues to wail.) LESTRADE (staring up at the rim): Shit! (John turns and shines his torch into his face.) JOHN: Greg, are you seeing this? (Greg glances at him momentarily and his expression answers the question. Sherlock takes a quick look around to the inspector to see his face before turning back to stare up at the hound.) JOHN: Right: he is not drugged, Sherlock, so what’s that? What is it?! (As Henry continues to wail behind them, Sherlock screws his eyes shut for a brief moment, trying to handle the overload in his mind. He stares upwards again.) SHERLOCK: All right! It’s still here ... (he pants heavily for a moment before pulling himself together) ... but it’s just a dog. Henry! It’s nothing more than an ordinary dog! (The hound doesn’t think so as it raises its head and let out a long terrifying howl.) LESTRADE (stumbling backwards): Oh my God. (And now the hound turns and leaps a short way down the slope, its eyes flashing red in the torchlight.) LESTRADE: Oh, Christ! (John stares at it as it stops again, its red glowing eyes now clearly visible as it opens its mouth and reveals a mouthful of long pointed teeth that you would never see on any dog. Its snarl is completely terrifying. Henry has fallen silent, gazing up at it as if he knows that it is going to kll him shortly. Sherlock is still trying to believe what his own eyes are telling him ... and now there’s movement behind them. Sherlock looks over his shoulder and sees a tall human figure through the mist. The new arrival is wearing a breathing mask with a clear visor over his face. Sherlock turns and rushes towards him, grabbing at the mask and ripping it upwards to fully reveal the man’s face ... and Jim Moriarty grins manically back at him.) SHERLOCK (staring at him in appalled horror): No! (Behind him the hound growls ominously again. Jim’s expression becomes intense and mrder but then his head begins to distort and flail about, morphing between Jim’s face and someone else’s so quickly that it’s impossible to keep up with the changes. Sherlock grimaces, groaning at the insanity going on in front of him as Jim’s face keeps reasserting itself.) SHERLOCK (frantically): It’s not you! You’re not here! (Grabbing at the figure, he spins him around and then headbutts him in the face. The figure crumples slightly and raises his hand to his face as he straightens up ... and now the man in front of Sherlock is Bob Frankland. Sherlock clings onto his jacket, his breathing panicked and frantic ... but then he turns his head to one side and looks at the mist surrounding them as suddenly it all begins to make sense to him.) SHERLOCK: The fog. JOHN (still aiming his torch up at the hound): What? SHERLOCK: It’s the fog! The drug: it’s in the fog! Aerosol dispersal – that’s what it said in those records. Project HOUND – it’s the fog! A chemical minefield! (Greg instantly throws his arm across his face, trying to stop himself from breathing too much of the mist. The hound stalks closer to the group, snarling.) FRANKLAND: For God’s sake, kll it! kll it! (The hound’s movements become more jittery as if it’s winding itself up to attck. Greg aims his pstol and fires three times at it. His bllts fly past it and it flinches momentarily but then rises up and leaps towards them. John’s aim is truer and his bllts strike the hound accurately and throw it backwards as it squeals in pain and crashes to the ground, unmoving.) (As John and Greg watch it anxiously for any signs of movement, Sherlock runs over to Henry and pushes him towards the hound.) SHERLOCK: Look at it, Henry. HENRY (digging his heels in): No, no, no! SHERLOCK (shoving him forward determinedly): Come on, look at it! (He bullies the young man forward until they can both clearly see it lying on the ground. In Sherlock’s torchlight it is clearly nothing more than a huge dog. Henry stares at it for a moment and then turns back to where Frankland is still holding his injured face while Greg has his hands over his mouth as he tries to draw breath and come to terms with what he just experienced. Henry looks at Frankland.) HENRY: It’s just ... you bastard. (Hurling himself at the older man, he screams with rage.) HENRY: You bastard! (Bundling him to the ground, he screams into his face as John and Greg run over and try to pull him off.) HENRY: Twenty years! Twenty years of my life making no sense! Why didn’t you just kll me?! (Finally the others manage to pull him up off.) SHERLOCK: Because dad men get listened to. He needed to do more than kll you. He had to discredit every word you ever said about your father, and he had the means right at his feet – a chemical minefield, pressure pads in the ground dosing you up every time that you came back here. (He holds his arms out wide and spins slowly in a circle as he gestures around the Hollow.) SHERLOCK: mrder wapon and scene of the crime all at once. (He laughs with delight.) SHERLOCK: Oh, this case, Henry! Thank you. It’s been brilliant. JOHN: Sherlock ... SHERLOCK (turning to him): What? (John glares at him pointedly.) JOHN: Timing. SHERLOCK: Not good? HENRY: No, no, it’s – it’s okay. It’s fine, because this means ... (He starts to step towards Frankland. John moves with him, ready to intervene if he should try to attck him again.) HENRY: ... this means that my dad was right. (Frankland gets up onto his knees as Henry still tries to move towards him. John and Greg both put a gentle hand onto his shoulders to keep him back.) HENRY (tearfully): He found something out, didn’t he, and that’s why you’d klled him – because he was right, and he’d found you right in the middle of an experiment. (Frankland gets to his feet but before he can say anything there’s a savage snarl from behind the group. Everybody spins towards the dog as it whines in pain but gets up off the ground. John aims and fires towards it twice and it goes down again. Frankland takes the opportunity of the distraction to turn and run off in the opposite direction. Like the single-minded idiot that he is, Sherlock runs right across John’s line of fre, forcing him to lower his pstol, and chases off after the scientist. John turns and follows him up the slope.) SHERLOCK: Frankland! (Frankland runs through the woods with Sherlock and John in hot pursuit, Greg and Henry a little behind the other two.) SHERLOCK: Frankland! LESTRADE (to Henry): Come on, keep up! (They run on.) SHERLOCK: It’s no use, Frankland! (Reaching the barbed wire fence surrounding the minefield, Frankland doesn’t hesitate and jumps over. His feet tangle in the wire and he falls to the ground on the other side. He jumps up and runs on a few yards but then stops abruptly as his foot thumps down onto a mine, which makes a distinctive clink indicating that he has activated its pressure pad. He stares down at his foot, shining his torch onto the mine underneath and realising that unless he remains completely still and doesn’t lift any pressure off it, the mine will blow. As the others hurry towards the barbed wire, he raises his head, sighs in resignation and deliberately lifts his foot. The others skid to a halt and duck down as a massive explsi*n rips into the air. As the blast dies down, Henry sinks back against a nearby tree while Sherlock gazes reflectively across the minefield.) DAY TIME. CROSS KEYS INN. John is sitting at one of the outdoor tables and, for reasons that I’m sure we’d all like an explanation for, appears to be wearing Sherlock’s Purple Shirt of Sex ™. Billy brings out a plate containing whatever is the vegetarian equivalent of a full English breakfast and puts it on the table in front of him. JOHN: Mmm. Thanks, Billy. (As Billy walks away, Sherlock brings over two mugs and puts one down on the table.) SHERLOCK: So they didn’t have it put down, then – the dog. JOHN (tucking into his breakfast as Sherlock stands next to him and drinks his coffee): Obviously. Suppose they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it. SHERLOCK: I see. JOHN (smiling): No you don’t. SHERLOCK: No, I don’t. Sentiment? JOHN: Sentiment! SHERLOCK (rolling his eyes): Oh. (He sits down on the bench next to John.) JOHN: Listen: what happened to me in the lab? (Sherlock looks at him for a moment, then turns around and reaches for a box of sauce sachets, looking worried about how he’s ever going to explain all this.) SHERLOCK: D’you want some sauce with that? JOHN: I mean, I hadn’t been to the Hollow, so how come I heard those things in there? Fear and stimulus, you said. SHERLOCK (rummaging through the box of sachets): You must have been dosed with it elsewhere, when you went to the lab, maybe. You saw those pipes – pretty ancient, leaky as a sieve; and they were carrying the gas, so ... Um, ketchup, was it, or brown ...? JOHN: Hang on: you thought it was in the sugar. (Sherlock stares at him while trying to maintain a neutral expression.) JOHN: You were convinced it was in the sugar. (Sherlock looks away again.) SHERLOCK: Better get going, actually. (He looks at his watch.) There’s a train that leaves in half an hour, so if you want ... (John turns his head away as he begins to realise the horrible truth.) JOHN: Oh God. It was you. You locked me in that bloody lab. SHERLOCK: I had to. It was an experiment. JOHN (furiously): An experiment?! SHERLOCK (looking at people sitting nearby): Shhh. JOHN (quieter, but still furious): I was terrified, Sherlock. I was scared to death. SHERLOCK: I thought that the drug was in the sugar, so I put the sugar in your coffee, then I arranged everything with Major Barrymore. (John sighs in exasperation.) SHERLOCK: It was all totally scientific, laboratory conditions – well, literally. (Flashback to Sherlock alone in a room from where he can monitor the lab. Lazily sitting in a chair with his feet up on the table, he watches the screen in front of him which shows John racing across the darkened lab towards the cages as the ‘hound’ growls. A little later Sherlock wiggles his feet comfortably on the desk as John breathes panic-stricken into his phone. The footage isn’t showing John because he’s hidden inside the cage.) JOHN: It’s in here with me. SHERLOCK (into his phone): All right. Keep talking. I’ll find you. (There’s a momentary silence.) SHERLOCK (into phone): Keep talking! JOHN: I can’t, it’ll hear me. SHERLOCK: Tell me what you’re seeing! (He switches on a small recorder and holds it up to a nearby microphone. Savage growling is played into the lab.) JOHN: I don’t know, but I can hear it now. (Back in the present, Sherlock continues his ‘explanation’.) SHERLOCK: Well, I knew what effect it had had on a superior mind, so I needed to try it on an average one. (John looks up from his plate.) SHERLOCK: You know what I mean. (John gets back to eating.) JOHN: But it wasn’t in the sugar. SHERLOCK: No, well, I wasn’t to know you’d already been exposed to the gas. JOHN: So you got it wrong. SHERLOCK: No. JOHN: Mmm. You were wrong. It wasn’t in the sugar. You got it wrong. SHERLOCK: A bit. It won’t happen again. (Sighing, John continues eating, then looks round.) JOHN: Any long-term effects? SHERLOCK: None at all. You’ll be fine once you’ve excreted it. We all will. JOHN: Think I might have taken care of that already. (Sherlock snorts laughter, then looks across to a nearby table where Gary is pouring coffee for two other customers. He smiles apologetically across to Sherlock, who puts his mug on the table and stands up.) JOHN: Where’re you going? SHERLOCK: Won’t be a minute. Gotta see a man about a dog. (Smiling down at John, he turns and walks away.) Jim Moriarty sits silently and calmly in a small windowless concrete-lined cell with his eyes closed. In an adjoining room, Mycroft walks towards the other side of the one-way mirror which Jim is facing, and narrows his eyes as he looks closely at the other man. Some time afterwards, the door to the cell is unlocked and Jim opens his eyes but does not turn around as Mycroft walks in. Later, Mycroft has left the cell again. A man in a suit has opened the cell door and has walked inside. MYCROFT (voiceover): All right. Let him go. (Jim turns and casually strolls out of the cell. Behind him, the man turns and looks around the room. On almost every plain concrete panel of the walls, Jim has somehow carved a single word into the cement. In different sizes and at different angles, the word repeats all around the cell – and the word is SHERLOCK. And with the dust which was loosened by the carving, he has scratched Sherlock’s name backwards on the mirror so that whoever is watching him from the other side of the mirror will see the name the right way round. The man in the suit turns and walks away, closing the cell door behind him.)	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "02x02 - The Hounds of Baskerville"}	foreverdreaming
John Watson sits in a chair as the rain pours down outside the window and thunder rumbles. He looks tired and his face is full of pain. ELLA (offscreen): Why today? (John frowns enquiringly. His therapist is sitting opposite him.) JOHN: D’you want to hear me say it? ELLA: Eighteen months since our last appointment. JOHN (his voice becoming quietly angry): D’you read the papers? ELLA: Sometimes. JOHN: Mmm, and you watch telly? You know why I’m here. (There’s a pained groan in his voice as he ends the sentence.) JOHN: I’m here because ... (His voice breaks and he can’t continue. He looks down, swallowing hard as he fights not to weep. Ella leans forward sympathetically.) ELLA: What happened, John? (John closes his eyes, trying to get control of himself, then looks up at her again, his eyes full of loss. He clears his throat and breathes heavily.) JOHN (his voice breaking): Sher... (He can’t continue and he clears his throat again, swallowing hard.) ELLA (gently): You need to get it out. JOHN (softly, his voice full of pain and tears): My best friend ... Sherlock Holmes ... (He sniffs, forcing his voice through the anguish.) JOHN: ... is dad. (He breaks and begins to cry.) Opening Credits. THREE MONTHS EARLIER. In an art gallery, the Director of the gallery is finishing his speech as he stands near a painting. GALLERY DIRECTOR: Falls of the Reichenbach, Turner’s masterpiece, thankfully recovered owing to the prodigious talent of Mr. Sherlock Holmes. (The patrons applaud. Sherlock and John are standing nearby. The Director gives a small gift-wrapped box to Sherlock.) DIRECTOR: A small token of our gratitude. (Sherlock takes the box and looks at it.) SHERLOCK: Diamond cufflinks. All my cuffs have buttons. JOHN (to the Director): He means thank you. SHERLOCK: Do I? JOHN: Just say it. SHERLOCK (insincerely to the Director): Thank you. (He starts to walk away but John holds him back.) JOHN: Hey. (Sherlock stops unwillingly as the press start taking photographs. Later, one of the photographs appears in a newspaper article headed “Hero of the Reichenbach”. The straplines read “Turner masterpiece recovered by ‘amateur’ ; “Scotland Yard embarrased [sic] by overlooked clues”. The text of the article reads: “A Turner masterpiece worth £1.7million that was stolen from an auction house ten days ago has been recovered by an amateur detective from North London. Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street has been investigating the art crime simply as a hobby, and yet he was able to follow the trail that lead [sic] him to the famous work – a trail that Scotland Yard missed completely. Sherlock Holmes has gained cult following following the publication of his website – The Sci- ...” at which point the text disappears offscreen. [And, really, “Sherlock” production team, could you not take just a couple more minutes to make your newspaper articles more professional-looking, write sensible English and check the bleedin’ spelling?!]) (A new newspaper article reads ”Top Banker Kidnapped” and the text reads: ”Sherlock Holmes was last night being hailed a hero yet again for masterminding the daring escape of the kidnapped man. // Scotland Yard had to secretly bring in their special wapon (in the form of Mr Holmes) yet again. The case has drawn a huge amount of attention as the nation became divided about the outcome of the kidnapping. Bankers are certainly not the nations [sic] sweethearts any more, but Mr. Holmes certainly seems to be. As huge crowds gathered for the press conference, Mr Holmes was presented with a gift from...” and then the text disappears offscreen. Outside the banker’s house, the rescued man is standing with his arms around his wife and young son as the press film and photograph them while Sherlock and John stand uncomfortably nearby.) FATHER: Back together with my family after my terrifying ordeal; and we have one person to thank for my deliverance – Sherlock Holmes. (As the public applaud, the boy smiles and offers a small gift-wrapped box to Sherlock. He takes it and rattles it briefly.) SHERLOCK (to John): Tie pin. I don’t wear ties. JOHN: Shh. (A photograph of the scene appears in the next edition of the newspaper, headed “Reichenbach hero finds kidnap victim”.) (New article: ”Ricoletti evades capture”. Your transcriber is already nearing page three of this transcript and is only two and a half minutes into the episode so let’s leave out the text of the article, but it suggests that the man named in the headline was responsible for the banker’s kidnap. We cut to Scotland Yard where D.I. Greg Lestrade is addressing a press conference. Sherlock and John stand nearby, and D.S. Sally Donovan and Doctor WhoCaresWhatHisFirstNameIs Anderson are at the back of the room.) LESTRADE: Peter Ricoletti: number one on Interpol’s Most Wanted list since nineteen eighty-two. But we got him; and there’s one person we have to thank for giving us the decisive leads ... with all his customary diplomacy and tact(!) (Sherlock smiles insincerely towards Greg while John leans closer to Sherlock and speaks quietly.) JOHN: Sarcasm. SHERLOCK: Yes. (As the press applaud, Greg walks over to Sherlock and gives him a gift-wrapped package, smiling cheerfully.) LESTRADE: We all chipped in. (As Sherlock tears open the wrapping paper, Sally and Anderson grin expectantly. He pulls out a deerstalker hat.) SHERLOCK (trying to smile): Oh! FIRST REPORTER: Put the hat on! SECOND REPORTER: Put the hat on! LESTRADE: Yeah, Sherlock, put it on! (Sherlock looks at the reporters as if he’d like to kll them. John clears his throat uncomfortably.) JOHN (quietly): Just get it over with. (Glowering at him, Sherlock shoves the wrapping paper into his hands, then unhappily puts the hat on his head. Flashbulbs go mad and everyone applauds. At the back of the room, Sally claps with sarcastic delight as Anderson, the douche, grins smugly. Sherlock smiles at the press through gritted teeth and glances at Greg as if promising him a world of pain later.) (Some time later, the “Daily Star” prints a World Exclusive on its front page: ”Boffin Sherlock solves another” with the strapline: ”Hero ’Tec cracks ‘unsolvable’ case”.) 221B BAKER STREET. John is sitting on the sofa reading the papers while Sherlock, wearing his blue dressing gown over his shirt and trousers, stomps across the room and throws the Daily Star onto the pile of newspapers on the coffee table. SHERLOCK (indignantly): “Boffin”. “Boffin Sherlock Holmes”. JOHN: Everybody gets one. SHERLOCK: One what? JOHN: Tabloid nickname: ‘SuBo’; ‘Nasty Nick’. Shouldn’t worry – I’ll probably get one soon. SHERLOCK: Page five, column six, first sentence. (John turns to the relevant page. Sherlock goes over to the fireplace, picks up the deerstalker, holds it up and punches it angrily.) SHERLOCK: Why is it always the hat photograph? JOHN (looking at the newspaper article): “Bachelor John Watson”? SHERLOCK: What sort of hat is it anyway? JOHN: “Bachelor”? What the hell are they implying? SHERLOCK (holding up the hat and twisting it back and forth rapidly): Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts? JOHN (glancing up briefly): It’s a deerstalker. (He reads more of the article.) “Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson ...” SHERLOCK: You stalk a deer with a hat? What are you gonna do – throw it? JOHN (looking at another part of the article): “... confirmed bachelor John Watson”! SHERLOCK: Some sort of death frisbee? JOHN: Okay, this is too much. We need to be more careful. SHERLOCK: It’s got flaps ... ear flaps. It’s an ear hat, John. (He accurately skims the hat across the room to John, who doesn’t even have to lift his hand to catch it.) SHERLOCK: What do you mean, “more careful”? JOHN: I mean this isn’t a deerstalker now; it’s a Sherlock Holmes hat. I mean that you’re not exactly a private detective any more. (He holds his thumb and forefinger an inch apart.) You’re this far from famous. SHERLOCK: Oh, it’ll pass. (He slumps down into his armchair and folds his hands in the prayer position in front of his mouth.) JOHN: It’d better pass. The press will turn, Sherlock. They always turn, and they’ll turn on you. (Sherlock lowers his hands and looks more closely at John.) SHERLOCK: It really bothers you. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: What people say. JOHN: Yes. SHERLOCK: About me? I don’t understand – why would it upset you? (John holds his gaze for a moment, then looks away.) JOHN: Just try to keep a low profile. Find yourself a little case this week. Stay out of the news. TOWER OF LONDON 11:00 Tourists are walking about in the grounds, looking around, talking to the Beefeaters, taking photographs. One tourist wearing jeans, trainers, a light grey jacket and a cap with “London” printed on it and with a union flag on the peak is aiming his camera phone around and taking pictures like all the others, but this one appears to be more interested in the security staff than anything else. The other thing that piques his interest is the sign pointing the way to the Crown Jewels. He lowers his camera, chewing nonchalantly on a piece of gum, and we see that this is none other than Jim Moriarty. At 221B, a phone in the living room trills a text alert. Sherlock is sitting at the table in the kitchen, looking into his microscope. John comes along the corridor leading from Sherlock’s bedroom [your transcriber is saying nothing, but just look at the height of her raised eyebrows ...] with wet hair, wearing a bathrobe and towelling the back of his neck dry. JOHN: It’s your phone. SHERLOCK (disinterestedly): Mm. Keeps doing that. (John walks into the living room past the body in a suit which is hanging by its neck from the ceiling and sits down in his chair, picking up a newspaper. The body sways gently in the breeze.) JOHN: So, did you just talk to him for a really long time? (Sherlock looks up and glances across to the body. We realise that it’s not a real person but a mannequin.) SHERLOCK: Oh. Henry Fishgard never committed su1c1de. (He picks up an old hardback book from the table and slams it shut in a flurry of dust before going back to his microscope.) SHERLOCK: Bow Street Runners: missed everything. JOHN: Pressing case, is it?(!) SHERLOCK: They’re all pressing ’til they’re solved. At the White Tower in the Tower of London, tourists are passing through a metal detector on their way to see the Crown Jewels. A security man gives some items back to a tourist. SECURITY MAN: Put this in your bag, please. (Jim walks through the detector which beeps an alarm.) SECURITY MAN: Excuse me, sir. (Still chewing on his gum, Jim stops and steps back again.) SECURITY MAN: Any metal objects – keys, mobile phones? (Smiling apologetically, Jim takes his phone out of his pocket and puts it into the tray.) SECURITY MAN: You can go through. (Jim steps through the detector again, which stays silent this time. The security man slides the tray across and Jim takes the phone again.) SECURITY MAN: Thank you. (Jim walks on and enters the room. He stops at the large display case in the middle of the room and looks at the throne inside the case. On the throne is a red velvet cushion with an ornate crown resting on it. An equally ornate orb is balanced on one arm of the throne and a sceptre rests across the other arm. As other tourists walk around the case, Jim takes a pair of earphones from his pocket and pokes them into his ears. Bending his head from side to side to crack his neck, he lifts his phone and switches it on, then closes his eyes in bliss, still rolling his head on his neck and spreading his arms either side of him and then slowly beginning to lower them as the Overture to Rossini’s “The Thieving Magpie” begins to play.) (In the nearby surveillance room, one of the two men watching the security footage from all around the Tower turns to his colleague.) SURVEILLANCE MAN 1: Fancy a cuppa, then, mate? SURVEILLANCE MAN 2: Yeah, why not? (The first man gets up and walks away.) BANK OF ENGLAND 11:00 A man brings a tray containing a cup and saucer and a milk jug into the office of the bank’s Director. BANK DIRECTOR (looking at his computer screen): Gilts at seven; Dutch telecoms in freefall. Thank you, Harvey. (Harvey puts the tray down onto the table and leaves the room again.) PENTONVILLE PRISON 11:00 The prison’s governor, with an enormous “Keep calm and carry on” mug full of tea on his desk, slams a file down onto his desk as several warders sit or stand nearby. PRISON GOVERNOR: What do you say: refuse them all parole and bring back the rope(!) Let’s begin. At the Tower, Jim finishes lowering his arms and then lifts up the phone and scrolls through the app icons on it. He pushes aside the one that has a cartoon of a prisoner with striped prison clothes and standing behind bars, scrolls past the one of a piggy bank with the English flag on it, and selects the one with a crown on it. The icon of the crown unfolds like a padlock being unlocked and digital code begins to stream out into the air, and in the surveillance room alarms begin to beep in warning as some of the TV screens go blank. An automated voice plays into the White Tower. VOICE (repeatedly): This is an emergency. Please leave the building. (The tourists start to hurry out of the room. A security guard walks over to Jim, assuming that he can’t hear the alarm through his earphones, and puts a hand on his shoulder to attract his attention.) SECURITY GUARD: Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. (Jim turns and sprays something into his face and he immediately collapses unconscious. The security door closes and locks, and Jim takes his cap off and smoothes his hair out. In the surveillance room, the man slams down the cups of tea he was bringing back and grabs a phone as he starts to dial.) At Scotland Yard, Sally Donovan hurries across the office and opens the door to Greg’s office. DONOVAN: Sir, there’s been a break-in. (Greg has his feet up on the desk and is drinking coffee and eating a pastry.) LESTRADE (with his mouth full): Not our division. DONOVAN: You’ll want it. At the White Tower, Jim scrolls through the apps on his phone and selects the English piggy bank. The piggy bank breaks open to reveal many gold coins, and digital code streams out into the air. At the Bank of England, the Director looks down at the cup of tea he is holding as the liquid inside begins to shimmer and the building vibrates gently. BANK DIRECTOR: The vault! (Alarms blare and his screen flashes the alarm “VAULT OPENING” as a graphic shows the door to the vault swinging slowly open. The Director’s jaw drops and he stares in disbelief, his tea cup slowly tilting in his hand until the tea pours out into his lap.) Greg is driving Sally across the river with sirens blaring. Sally has just got an update on her phone. LESTRADE: Hacked into the Tower of bloody London security?! How?! (Sally’s phone rings and she answers it.) LESTRADE: Tell them we’re already on our way. DONOVAN: There’s been another one; another break-in. (Greg stares across at her as she listens.) DONOVAN: Bank of England! At the White Tower, Jim is chomping on his gum as he flamboyantly scrawls a message onto the glass of the display case. Finishing the message – which we can’t yet clearly see – he draws a smiley face inside the letter “O”. Lifting his phone once more, he selects the app with the prisoner on it. The bars over the prisoner lift away and the striped jacket which the icon is wearing turns into a plain black one, then the image changes to a keyhole. Digital code streams out into the air. In Pentonville Prison, the governor is just lifting his mug to his mouth as alarms begin to sound. A prison warder bursts into the room. PRISON WARDER: Sir, security’s down, sir. It’s failing! (The governor surges to his feet, accidentally sweeping his mug off the table and onto the floor.) On the road, Sally gets another phonecall. Greg looks across to her. LESTRADE: What is it now? DONOVAN: Pentonville Prison! (Greg stares at her in disbelief.) LESTRADE: Oh no! At the White Tower, Jim holds his piece of chewing gum between his teeth and pulls the end of it out towards the case and sticks it onto the glass. Leaving the whole piece of gum stuck there, he takes a tiny diamond from a box and, grinning manically, carefully presses the jewel into the gum. Turning away from the case, he slips his jacket off and drops it to the floor, revealing a plain white V-necked T-shirt underneath, then raises his arms upwards either side above his head in an almost balletic flourish. Outside, police cars and vans begin to pour into the Tower grounds. Jim continues to dance around the White Tower while outside, the last of the tourists are hustled out of the building. Pulling black leather mitts onto his hands, Jim goes to the wall and picks up a fre extinguisher. Outside, armed police leap out of a van and run into the Tower. Inside, Jim dances dramatically towards the case, raises the fre extinguisher with the bottom end pointed towards the glass and, grinning happily, rams it towards the chewing gum and diamond. The glass shatters around the impact point. The armed police charge through the metal detector, repeatedly setting the alarm off. Jim smashes the extinguisher into the glass a couple more times and eventually the entire pane disintegrates and falls to the floor. Greg’s car screams into the grounds and he and Sally jump out and race into the White Tower. Inside, the armed police disable the lock to the door and it swings open. They charge inside and are greeted by the sight of Jim Moriarty sitting on the throne inside the case, wearing an ermine trimmed robe, the crown on his head, the orb between his knees and holding the sceptre across his lap, with his earphones still in. He has his eyes closed in bliss as the music comes to an end. He opens his eyes and smiles at the new arrivals. JIM (calmly): No rush. 221B. Sherlock’s phone trills another text alert. John lowers his newspaper. JOHN (tetchily): I’ll get it, shall I? (He gets up and walks over to the phone, picking it up and checking the message as Sherlock continues to look into his microscope. John’s face slowly fills with shock. He turns and takes the phone to the kitchen, holding it out to Sherlock.) JOHN: Here. SHERLOCK (not looking up): Not now, I’m busy. JOHN: Sherlock ... SHERLOCK: Not now. JOHN (breathing heavily): He’s back. (Sherlock lifts his head and takes the phone. The message reads: Come and play. Tower Hill. Jim Moriarty x. Sherlock’s eyes widen and he sinks back on his chair and gazes into space.) Back at the Tower, Jim is smiling calmly as he is being put into the back of a police car. Behind him, Greg and Sally come out of the building and watch, then Greg looks down at Jim’s phone which he is holding. Later, Sherlock and John have arrived at the Tower and they are watching the recorded security footage taken from behind Jim as he sticks the gum onto the glass. From a distance it’s not clear what he then pushes into the gum. LESTRADE: That glass is tougher than anything. SHERLOCK: Not tougher than crystallised carbon. He used a diamond. (Greg adjusts the footage, which shifts to a recording taken from the other side of the glass. The footage also goes into reverse, showing the glass rising back up into place before it shattered. As Jim pulls the fre extinguisher back again and the glass becomes whole, the message which he scrawled onto it becomes clear. He deliberately wrote the words backwards on the glass so that they would be seen from the camera on the other side of the case. With the smiley face inside the “O”, the message reads: GET SHERLOCK John turns and stares at Sherlock but his eyes are fixed on the screen.) Nina Simone’s song “Sinnerman” plays over the next few scenes. The “Daily Express” has somehow obtained the security image with the message clear on the glass, and has run it on its front page with the headline: “Crime of the Century?” The rest of the text reads: “Questions are being asked in parliament as to how the Tower of London, Pentonville Prison and the Bank of England were all broken into at the same time by the same man – James Moriarty. // There are unconfirmed reports that Scotland Yard’s favourite sleuth Mr Sherlock Holmes has been called in to help the team piece together the most audacious crime ... Turn to page 5”. Some indeterminate time later a new front page headline [from the “Daily Mail”, I think] reads: ”Jewel Thief on trial at Bailey” and the first few paragraphs read: ”Crown Jewel thief is to be tried at the Old Bailey and Sherlock Holmes is named as a witness for the prosecution. // Master criminal Moriarty taunted Holmes with his graffitied GET SHERLOCK at the scene of the crime. The crime is attracting huge attention internationally too. // Irish born Moriarty – of no fixed abode, seems to be taunting the master detective. // Boffin Holmes, accompanied by confirmed bachelor John Watson – refused to comment. // Crowds gathered yesterday for what is being described as the trial of the century.” [After that the text keeps repeating. Do the production team not know that we have the ability to freeze frame and read these articles because we are ludicrously obsessive and will not only notice the repetition but the annoying mixed up use of dashes and commas?!] “The Guardian” leads with the headline ”Amateur detective to be called as expert witness” and the strapline ”Scotland Yard calls upon ‘nation’s favourite detective’ in Moriarty trail” [which your transcriber assumes should read ‘trial’ ...]. The picture is of Sherlock putting on the deerstalker hat at the Scotland Yard press conference and the text reads: ”In a twist worthy of a Conan Doyle novella, Mr Sherlock Holmes was yesterday revealed to be an expert witness at the trial of ‘Jim’ Moriarty. Described by many commentators as the trial of the century, the case has all the ingredients of a block buster film. The royal family, Scotland yard [sic], the world of finance and greed, the ‘underclass’ of prisoners out to reek [sic] revenge as they enjoy their own fifteen minutes of freedom. The case is riddled with irony and intrigue but perhaps reflects a deeper malaise that seems to be at the heart of a society. // Mr Holmes, a man of few words, declined to comment when asked his involvement in the case. It is understood that a woefully depleted Scotland ...” [and then the text goes off the screen]. 221B. John is standing in front of the mirror in the living room. He is wearing a suit and finishes tying his tie before putting his jacket on. Near the sofa, Sherlock is buttoning up his own jacket. Your transcriber bites her lip. Sherlock leads the way downstairs and goes to the front door, then stops and turns to the side to allow John to pass him and reach out towards the door. JOHN: Ready? SHERLOCK: Yes. (Bracing himself, John opens the door. Police officers are trying to hold back the large crowd of journalists who immediately start photographing the pair and calling out questions as the police clear the way and allow the boys through to the waiting police car. They get into the back and the car pulls away and races off with its sirens wailing.) (At the Old Bailey, Jim is in a cell wearing a smart light grey suit, white shirt and pale grey tie and silver tie pin with matching grey handkerchief in the breast pocket. A prison guard is checking the handcuffs which shackle him to two nearby officers. Not long afterwards and surrounded by prison officers, he is being escorted along the corridors towards the court. As he walks along, a small smile begins to creep onto his face.) (The police car is just going around Trafalgar Square.) JOHN: Remember ... SHERLOCK (instantly): Yes. JOHN (insistently): Remember ... SHERLOCK (even more quickly): Yes. (John looks away in frustration, then goes for broke and speaks quickly.) JOHN: Remember what they told you: don’t try to be clever ... SHERLOCK (talking over him): No. JOHN: ... and please, just keep it simple and brief. SHERLOCK: God forbid the star witness at the trial should come across as intelligent. JOHN: ‘Intelligent’, fine; let’s give ‘smart-arse’ a wide berth. (There’s a slight pause.) SHERLOCK: I’ll just be myself. JOHN (irritated): Are you listening to me?! (At the Old Bailey Jim is marched up the stairs into the courtroom, two prison officers holding him by the shoulders. Outside, TV reporters are talking into various cameras as they record pieces for the news programmes.) ITN REPORTER: ... here today standing outside ... SKY NEWS REPORTER: ... This is the trial of the century ... BBC NEWS REPORTER: ... the trial of James Moriarty ... (We see brief clips of their broadcasts as seen on television.) SKY NEWS REPORTER: ... James Moriarty, earlier today accused of attempt... ITN REPORTER: ... of attempting to steal the Crown Jewels ... BBC NEWS REPORTER: ... at the Old Bailey we have Reichenbach Hero Sherlock Holmes ... (Jim and his prison escort reach the top of the stairs and he is turned sideways and walked into the dock. As a female prison officer comes across to check his restraints, he turns his head and murmurs into her ear.) JIM: Would you mind slipping your hand into my pocket? (The officer looks at one of her male colleagues, who nods in agreement. Looking rather uncomfortable, she slides her fingers into Jim’s trouser pocket and pulls out the contents as Jim breathes very close to her face and gazes into her eyes before poking his tongue out. She puts what she has found in his pocket – a piece of chewing gum – onto his tongue and he draws his tongue back in and begins to chew, smiling at her creepily.) JIM: Thanks. Sherlock is in the toilets at the Old Bailey washing his hands. TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: Crown versus Moriarty – please proceed to Court Ten. (As he turns off the taps, a woman standing behind him and wearing a deerstalker hat stares at him in awestruck amazement as her bag slips out of her fingers and drops to the floor.) KITTY: You’re him. (Sherlock realises that as well as the hat she’s also wearing an “I (heart) Sherlock” badge.) SHERLOCK: Wrong toilet. KITTY: I’m a big fan. SHERLOCK (turning towards her): Evidently. KITTY: I read your cases; follow them all. (She steps closer, gazing at him adoringly.) Sign my shirt, would you? (She peels back her coat to reveal that her blouse is opened quite low and she is showing a lot of cleavage. She offers him a pen which she already has in her hand.) SHERLOCK: There are two types of fans. KITTY: Oh? SHERLOCK: “Catch me before I kll again” – Type A ... KITTY: Uh-huh. What’s Type B? SHERLOCK: “Your bedroom’s just a taxi ride away.” (Kitty grins, her eyes still locked on his.) KITTY: Guess which one I am. (Sherlock runs his eyes down her body [and other fans vow to kll her at the first possible chance] and does a speed deduction: pressure marks pocket ink He has the answer instantly.) SHERLOCK: Neither. KITTY (blinking a little nervously): Really? SHERLOCK: No. You’re not a fan at all. (He looks at the indentations just below her right wrist.) SHERLOCK: Those marks on your forearm: edge of a desk. You’ve been typing in a hurry, probably. Pressure on; facing a deadline. KITTY (looking away): That all? SHERLOCK: And there’s a smudge of ink on your wrist; and a bulge in your left jacket pocket. (He and Kitty look down to her pocket from which is protruding the edge of a dictaphone, which has a red light shining on it showing that it’s recording.) KITTY: Bit of a giveaway. SHERLOCK: The smudge is deliberate, to see if I’m as good as they say I am. (He lifts her hand and sniffs the ink on her wrist.) SHERLOCK: Hmm. Oil-based; used in newspaper print, but drawn on with an index finger; your finger. KITTY: Hmm! SHERLOCK: Journalist. Unlikely you’d get your hands dirty at the press. You put that there to test me. KITTY: Wow, I’m liking you! SHERLOCK: You mean I’d make a great feature: “Sherlock Holmes – the man beneath the hat”. KITTY: Kitty ... (she takes the hat off) ... Riley. Pleased to meet you. (She offers her hand for him to shake.) SHERLOCK: No. I’m just saving you the trouble of asking. No, I won’t give you an interview; no, I don’t want the money. (Pushing past her, he heads for the door. She chases after him.) KITTY: You and John Watson – just platonic? Can I put you down for a “no” there, as well? (She stops him from opening the door and gets in his way, stepping well into his personal space. He breathes loudly and angrily.) KITTY: There’s all sorts of gossip in the press about you. Sooner or later you’re gonna need someone on your side ... (Reaching into her pocket, she holds up her business card and then tucks it into his breast pocket.) KITTY: ... someone to set the record straight. SHERLOCK (smiling sarcastically): And you think you’re the girl for that job, do you? KITTY: I’m smart, and you can trust me, totally. SHERLOCK: Smart, okay: investigative journalist. Good. Well, look at me and tell me what you see. (She stares at him blankly, perhaps a little overwhelmed by the way he is swaying gently in front of her.) SHERLOCK: If you’re that skilful, you don’t need an interview. You can just read what you need. (She looks awkward and can’t continue to meet his eyes.) SHERLOCK: No? Okay, my turn. (He paces around her as he looks her over.) SHERLOCK (quickfire): I look at you and I see someone who’s still waiting for their first big scoop so that their editor will notice them. You’re wearing an expensive skirt but it’s been re-hemmed twice; only posh skirt you’ve got. And your nails: you can’t afford to do them that often. I see someone who’s hungry. I don’t see smart, and I definitely don’t see trustworthy, but I’ll give you a quote if you like – three little words. (He reaches down and takes the dictaphone from her pocket, holding it up to his mouth as she steps closer hopefully.) SHERLOCK (slowly, deliberately): You ... repel ... me. (He turns and leaves the room.) OLD BAILEY, COURT TEN. Sherlock has been called to give his evidence and is standing in the witness box. Jim is in the dock opposite him, still nonchalantly chewing on his gum. John is sitting in the public gallery upstairs. PROSECUTING BARRISTER: A “consulting criminal”. SHERLOCK: Yes. PROSECUTING BARRISTER: Your words. Can you expand on that answer? SHERLOCK: James Moriarty is for hire. PROSECUTING BARRISTER: A tradesman? SHERLOCK: Yes. PROSECUTING BARRISTER: But not the sort who’d fix your heating. SHERLOCK: No, the sort who’d plant a bmb or stage an assassination, but I’m sure he’d make a pretty decent job of your boiler. (There’s muffled laughter from some people in the court, and the prosecuting barrister tries to hide her smile.) PROSECUTING BARRISTER: Would you describe him as ... SHERLOCK (interrupting): Leading. PROSECUTING BARRISTER: What? SHERLOCK: Can’t do that. You’re leading the witness. (He looks towards the defending barrister.) He’ll object and the judge will uphold. (The judge looks exasperated – clearly this isn’t the first time Sherlock has done this during his evidence.) JUDGE: Mr. Holmes. SHERLOCK (to the prosecuting barrister): Ask me how. How would I describe him? What opinion have I formed of him? Do they not teach you this? JUDGE: Mr. Holmes, we’re fine without your help. (Kitty comes into the public gallery. John looks round at her as she finds a seat.) PROSECUTING BARRISTER: How would you describe this man – his character? SHERLOCK: First mistake. (He raises his eyes and locks his gaze onto Jim.) James Moriarty isn’t a man at all – he’s a spider; a spider at the centre of a web – a criminal web with a thousand threads and he knows precisely how each and every single one of them dances. (Jim almost imperceptibly nods his head in approval of the description. The prosecuting barrister clears her throat awkwardly.) PROSECUTING BARRISTER: And how long ... SHERLOCK (closing his eyes in exasperation): No, no, don’t-don’t do that. That’s really not a good question. JUDGE (angrily): Mr. Holmes. SHERLOCK: How long have I known him? Not really your best line of enquiry. We met twice, five minutes in total. I pulled a gn; he tried to blow me up. (Sarcastically) I felt we had a special something. (Jim raises his eyebrows in an “ooh!” expression.) JUDGE: Miss Sorrel, are you seriously claiming this man is an expert, after knowing the accused for just five minutes? SHERLOCK: Two minutes would have made me an expert. Five was ample. JUDGE: Mr. Holmes, that’s a matter for the jury. SHERLOCK: Oh, really? (His eyes turn towards the jury box. John raises his hand to his head in an all-too-recognisable “oh, shit, NO!” gesture. Sherlock turns the full force of his gaze onto the twelve people sitting in the jury box and has deduced all of them within a couple of seconds.) SHERLOCK: One librarian; two teachers; two high-pressured jobs, probably the City. (He focuses on the woman at the far left of the front row. She has a notebook resting on the ledge in front of her and is writing in shorthand.) SHERLOCK: The foreman’s a medical secretary, trained abroad judging by her shorthand. JUDGE: Mr. Holmes! SHERLOCK (scanning rings on the jury members’ fingers): Seven are married and two are having an affair – with each other, it would seem! Oh, and they’ve just had tea and biscuits. (He turns to the judge.) SHERLOCK: Would you like to know who ate the wafer? JUDGE (angrily): Mr. Holmes. You’ve been called here to answer Miss Sorrel’s questions, not to give us a display of your intellectual prowess. (Sherlock takes a breath but can’t help smiling a little at the acknowledgement of his ‘intellectual prowess’. John stares at him sternly.) JUDGE: Keep your answers brief and to the point. Anything else will be treated as contempt. Do you think you could survive for just a few minutes without showing off? (Sherlock pauses as he gives the question some thought, then opens his mouth.) Shortly afterwards, a prison officer marches Sherlock into one of the cells under the courts and shoves him inside, slamming the door shut behind him. A recess has apparently been called in the trial and so a little later two more officers walk Jim to the adjoining cell and lock him inside. As if sensing each other, the two men turn and look at the wall separating them. Jim’s expression slowly becomes mrder. Some time later Sherlock is being released. As he signs for his personal property, John is standing beside him leaning back on the desk with his arms folded. JOHN: What did I say? I said, “Don’t get clever.” SHERLOCK: I can’t just turn it on and off like a tap. (Taking the bag of items from the custody officer, he turns to John.) SHERLOCK: Well? JOHN: Well what? SHERLOCK: You were there for the whole thing, up in the gallery, start to finish. JOHN: Like you said it would be ... (referring to Jim’s defending barrister) ... he sat on his backside, never even stirred. SHERLOCK: Moriarty’s not mounting any defence. 221B. The boys walk into the living room. JOHN: Bank of England, Tower of London, Pentonville. Three of the most secure places in the country and six weeks ago Moriarty breaks in, no-one knows how or why. (He sits down in his armchair as Sherlock begins to pace.) JOHN: All we know is ... SHERLOCK: ... he ended up in custody. (He stops and turns to John. John takes a breath.) JOHN: Don’t do that. SHERLOCK: Do what? JOHN: The look. SHERLOCK: Look? JOHN: You’re doing the look again. SHERLOCK: Well, I can’t see it, can I? (John points to the mirror on the wall as if Sherlock’s an idiot for not realising it’s there. Sherlock turns his head and looks at his reflection.) SHERLOCK: It’s my face. JOHN: Yes, and it’s doing a thing. You’re doing a “we both know what’s really going on here” face. SHERLOCK: Well, we do. JOHN: No. I don’t, which is why I find The Face so annoying. SHERLOCK: If Moriarty wanted the Jewels, he’d have them. If he wanted those prisoners free, they’d be out on the streets. The only reason he’s still in a prison cell right now is because he chose to be there. (He starts to pace again.) SHERLOCK: Somehow this is part of his scheme. NEXT DAY (presumably, as there can’t be that many more witnesses for the prosecution). OLD BAILEY. JUDGE: Mr. Crayhill, can we have your first witness? (The defending barrister rises to his feet.) DEFENDING BARRISTER: Your Honour, we’re not calling any witnesses. (There are cries of surprise around the court, and John – sitting in the public gallery – frowns in confusion.) JUDGE: I don’t follow. You’ve entered a plea of Not Guilty. DEFENDING BARRISTER: Nevertheless, my client is offering no evidence. The defence rests. (He sits down. Jim purses his lips ruefully at the judge, then turns and looks up to John, shrugging at him.) Not long afterwards, Sherlock – who chose to stay back at home – sits up sideways on the sofa with his back against the arm nearest the window. Wearing his blue dressing gown over his clothes, he softly recites the only words that the judge can possibly say in his summing-up speech. His recitation is interspersed with the actual words from the judge, and frequently their lines overlap. SHERLOCK/JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. James Moriarty stands accused of several counts of attempted burglary, crimes which – if he’s found guilty – will elicit a very long custodial sentence; and yet his legal team has chosen to offer no evidence whatsoever to support their plea. I find myself in the unusual position of recommending a verdict wholeheartedly. You must find him guilty. (Sherlock closes his eyes.) SHERLOCK (in a whisper): Guilty. JUDGE: You must find him guilty. (The court adjourns at 10:42. At 10:50 John is sitting on a bench just outside the courtroom when the Clerk of the Court hurries out of a side room.) CLERK: They’re coming back. (John looks at his watch.) JOHN: That’s six minutes. ([Yes, he does say six minutes and the two times above are correct. Either John took into account how long it took the jury to leave the court and go to their allocated room, or the production team needs another slap.]) CLERK: Surprised it took them that long, to be honest. There’s a queue for the loo. (He hurries into the court. John stands up, takes a moment to brace himself and then follows. A few minutes later the Clerk rises to his feet in the courtroom and turns to face the jury.) CLERK: Have you reached a verdict on which you all agree? (One of the jury members lowers his head and shakes it in tiny despairing motions as the foreman gets to her feet and stares at the Clerk unhappily.) At 221B, Sherlock’s phone begins to ring. His eyes snap open. Outside the court, John is hurrying along the pavement. JOHN (into phone): Not Guilty. They found him Not Guilty. No defence, and Moriarty’s walked free. (Sherlock lowers his phone.) JOHN (into phone): Sherlock. Are you listening? He’s out. You-you know he’ll be coming after you. Sher... (Sherlock switches the phone off and gets up off the sofa. In the kitchen he switches on the kettle and slams down a small tray beside it, putting a jug of milk, a sugar bowl, a teapot and two cups and saucers with teaspoons onto the tray. The kettle comes to the boil and switches off and Sherlock, now wearing a jacket in place of the dressing gown, makes the tea and takes the tray to the table beside John’s chair, then walks over to his own chair and picks up his violin and bow. As he begins to play Bach’s Sonata No. 1 in G minor, downstairs the front door is expertly lockpicked and pushed open. Jim’s easily-recognisable shadow precedes him as he slowly walks along the hall and up the stairs. Partway up, one of the stairs creaks noisily and Jim pauses for a moment, as does Sherlock’s playing. A couple of seconds later Sherlock resumes from a few notes before where he stopped and Jim starts to climb the stairs again. Sherlock, standing with his back to the living room door, keeps playing until Jim pushes open the door, then he stops but doesn’t yet turn around.) SHERLOCK: Most people knock. (He shrugs.) But then you’re not most people, I suppose. (He gestures over his shoulder with his bow towards the table.) SHERLOCK: Kettle’s just boiled. (Jim walks further into the room and bends to pick up an apple from the bowl on the coffee table.) JIM: Johann Sebastian would be appalled. (Tossing the apple and catching it [in an Arthur Shappey-like attempt to be really happy for a brief moment], he looks around the living room as if searching for a seat.) JIM: May I? SHERLOCK (turning to face him): Please. (He gestures with the end of his bow towards John’s chair. Jim immediately walks over to Sherlock’s chair and sits in that one instead. Sherlock looks slightly unnerved. Jim takes out a small penknife and starts to cut into the apple as Sherlock puts down the violin and begins to pour tea into the cups.) JIM: You know when he was on his death bed, Bach, he heard his son at the piano playing one of his pieces. The boy stopped before he got to the end ... SHERLOCK: ... and the dying man jumped out of his bed, ran straight to the piano and finished it. JIM: Couldn’t cope with an unfinished melody. SHERLOCK: Neither can you. That’s why you’ve come. JIM: But be honest: you’re just a tiny bit pleased. SHERLOCK: What, with the verdict? (He picks up one of the teacups, adds a splash of milk and turns and offers the cup to Jim, who sits up straighter and takes it.) JIM: With me ... (softly) ... back on the streets. (He gazes up into Sherlock’s eyes, smiling.) Every fairytale needs a good old-fashioned villain. (He grins. Sherlock turns away and adds milk to his own cup.) JIM: You need me, or you’re nothing. Because we’re just alike, you and I – except you’re boring. (He shakes his head in disappointment.) JIM: You’re on the side of the angels. (He sips his tea as Sherlock picks up his own cup and stirs his drink.) SHERLOCK: Got to the jury, of course. JIM: I got into the Tower of London; you think I can’t worm my way into twelve hotel rooms? SHERLOCK: Cable network. (Flashback to the foreman of the jury in her hotel room sitting on the side of the bed and looking at her TV screen.) JIM (voiceover): Every hotel bedroom has a personalised TV screen ... (Close-up of the TV screen showing the Westhampton Hotel’s Information Service. At the top of the page the message reads “Hello Ms Williams”. The information underneath instantly changes to a photograph of two young children and a baby. A message in red above the photograph reads, “IF YOU WANT YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN TO STAY BEAUTIFUL THEN FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS”) JIM (voiceover): ... and every person has their pressure point; someone that they want to protect from harm. (The foreman stares at the TV screen in horror. At 221B, Jim lifts his teacup to his mouth again.) JIM (softly): Easy-peasy. (By now Sherlock has unbuttoned his jacket and sat down in John’s chair. In a perhaps unconscious mimicking of the man seated opposite him, he too has his cup lifted close to his mouth.) SHERLOCK: So how’re you going to do it ... (He pointedly blows gently on his tea.) SHERLOCK: ... burn me? JIM (softly): Oh, that’s the problem – the final problem. Have you worked out what it is yet? (Sherlock has taken a sip of his tea and looks across his cup to the other man.) JIM: What’s the final problem? (He smiles across his own cup.) JIM: I did tell you ... (sing-song but still softly) ... but did you listen? (He takes another sip of tea and then puts the cup down into the saucer. Putting his hand onto his knee, he starts idly drumming his fingers. Sherlock’s eyes lower to watch the movement.) JIM (still drumming his fingers): How hard do you find it, having to say “I don’t know”? (Sherlock puts his cup into its saucer and shrugs.) SHERLOCK (nonchalantly): I dunno. JIM: Oh, that’s clever; that’s very clever; awfully clever. (He chuckles in an upper class tone as Sherlock smiles humourlessly while putting his cup back onto the tray.) JIM: Speaking of clever, have you told your little friends yet? SHERLOCK: Told them what? JIM: Why I broke into all those places and never took anything. SHERLOCK: No. JIM: But you understand. SHERLOCK: Obviously. JIM: Off you go, then. (He has carved a piece off his apple and puts it into his mouth with the flat of his penknife.) SHERLOCK: You want me to tell you what you already know? JIM: No; I want you to prove that you know it. SHERLOCK: You didn’t take anything because you don’t need to. JIM (softly): Good. SHERLOCK: You’ll never need to take anything ever again. JIM: Very good. Because ...? SHERLOCK: Because nothing ... nothing in the Bank of England, the Tower of London or Pentonville Prison could possibly match the value of the key that could get you into all three. JIM: I can open any door anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now – they’re all mine. No such thing as secrecy – I own secrecy. Nuclear codes – I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king; and honey, you should see me in a crown. (He smiles in delight at Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: You were advertising all the way through the trial. You were showing the world what you can do. JIM: And you were helping. Big client list: rogue governments, intelligence communities ... trror1st cells. They all want me. (He lifts another piece of apple to his mouth with the penknife.) JIM: Suddenly, I’m Mr. Sex. SHERLOCK: If you could break any bank, what do you care about the highest bidder? JIM: I don’t. I just like to watch them all competing. “Daddy loves me the best!” Aren’t ordinary people adorable? Well, you know: you’ve got John. I should get myself a live-in one. SHERLOCK: Why are you doing all of this? JIM (still thinking about having a live-in ordinary person): It’d be so funny. SHERLOCK: You don’t want money or power – not really. (Jim digs the point of his penknife into the apple.) SHERLOCK: What is it all for? JIM (sitting forward and speaking softly): I want to solve the problem – our problem; the final problem. (He lowers his head.) JIM: It’s gonna start very soon, Sherlock: the fall. (In a cut-away moment, he raises his head and whistles a slowly descending note as he gradually looks down towards the floor.) JIM: But don’t be scared. Falling’s just like flying except there’s a more permanent destination. (In the cut-away, his gaze reaches the floor and he makes the sound of something thudding to the ground. Raising his head slowly, he glowers across at Sherlock, who bares his teeth slightly and then stands and buttons his jacket.) SHERLOCK: Never liked riddles. (Jim stands as well and straightens his jacket, locking his gaze onto Sherlock’s eyes.) JIM: Learn to. Because I owe you a fall, Sherlock. I ... owe ... you. (He continues to gaze at Sherlock for about six seconds, sealing his promise, then slowly turns and walks away. Sherlock doesn’t move as Jim leaves the room, but after a while he moves towards the apple which Jim left on the arm of his chair with the penknife still stuck in it. He picks it up by the Knfe handle and looks at it. Jim has dug a large circular piece out of the apple, and on the left of the circle he has carved an “I” shape while on the right of the circle is a “U” shape, forming the letters “I O U”. Sherlock’s mouth twitches into the beginning of a smile.) The next morning the “Daily Express” front page headline screams “MORIARTY WALKS FREE” with the strapline “Shock verdict at Old Bailey trial”. The opening paragraph reads: “The Judge could only look on dumbfounded as the Jury found ‘Jimbo’ Moriarty ‘Not Guilty’. Gasps were heard around the courtroom as the Jury declared their verdict”. “The Guardian” declares “Shock verdict at trial” and the article begins, “In an unbelievable turn of events Moriarty walked free today after putting up no defence at all for what has been described as the Trial of the Century. Star witness Sherlock Holmes was not present for the verdict as in another twist to the case was thrown out of court by the Judge. Questions have been asked in Parliament and the Prime Minister was quoted as saying ‘This is a disgrace, a sign if ever we needed one that broken Britain is still broken...” [and yes, they do open the quote with single speech marks, then close it with double speech marks]. The “Daily Star” goes with “How was he ever acquitted” [but apparently can’t be bothered to put a question mark after it]. Some time later “The Guardian” declares “Moriarty vanishes” while on one of its inside pages is a cartoon caricature of Sherlock holding a crystal ball with the caption underneath reading, “What Next for the Reichenbach Hero?” TWO MONTHS LATER. John goes to a NatWest cashpoint machine and inserts his card. Typing in his PIN, he then selects a transaction. After a few seconds he is greeted with the onscreen message: There is a problem with your card Please wait (John grimaces and a second later a new message appears: Thank you for your patience. A moment later the message adds: John John frowns and behind him a black car pulls up to the kerb and stops. John turns and looks at it, then turns back to the ATM, sighing in exasperation. However, he still hasn’t learned his lesson about getting into strange cars and apparently meekly gets in and allows himself to be driven to an elegant white painted building which has a brass plaque outside declaring the venue to be THE DIOGENES CLUB. He goes inside and enters a large room which – back when the building used to be a house – was probably a drawing room. A large marble fireplace surrounds an unlit fre and the walls have heavy wooden panelling and ornate white plaster coving. The room contains five small round tables, each with a single armchair beside it, and four of them are currently occupied by smartly dressed middle aged or elderly gentlemen reading newspapers and taking no notice of each other or of the new arrival. John looks around and then walks over to one of the older men sitting at the far end of the room.) JOHN: Er, excuse me. Um, I’m looking for Mycroft Holmes. (The old man’s face becomes appalled but he doesn’t look up.) JOHN: Would you happen to know if he’s around at all? (Some of the other inhabitants of the room behind John look round at him but don’t speak.) JOHN: Can you not hear me? (The old man looks up at him, huffing indignantly. John holds out a placatory hand to him.) JOHN: Yes, all right. (He turns around to the others in the room.) JOHN: Anyone? (The others turn their faces away from him.) JOHN: Anyone at all know where Mycroft Holmes is? I’ve been asked to meet him here. (The old man lifts his walking stick and pushes the end of it repeatedly onto a button on the nearby wall. A distant bell rings. John looks around in confusion as the gentlemen either ignore him or look at him in annoyance.) JOHN: No takers? Right. (He raises his voice.) Am I invisible? Can you actually see me? (Just then two men wearing dress coats walk into the room. John turns to them.) JOHN: Ah, thanks, gents. (Behind him, the elderly gentleman flaps his hand frantically at the new arrivals as if to say, ‘Get him out of here!’ The dress coated men, wearing white gloves and soft white overshoes to muffle their footsteps, walk briskly over to John.) JOHN: I’ve been asked to meet Mycroft Holm... (He breaks off as the men walk either side of him and seize his arms firmly.) JOHN: What the ...? Hey! (As they almost lift him off his feet, one of them puts his other hand over John’s mouth to silence him. His muffled protests continue as they rapidly bundle him out of the room.) [As a footnote of potential interest, VerityBurns alerted me to the fact that the old gentleman is played by Douglas Wilmer who played the role of Sherlock Holmes in a BBC series in the 1960s. Callie-Ariane transcripts: not only hopefully entertaining and useful but educational as well!] Shortly afterwards John has been taken to a smaller room and the door has been closed firmly behind him. Mycroft is in the room with him and pours himself a drink from a crystal decanter. MYCROFT: Tradition, John. Our traditions define us. JOHN: So total silence is traditional, is it? You can’t even say, “Pass the sugar.” MYCROFT: Three-quarters of the diplomatic service and half the government front bench all sharing one tea trolley. It’s for the best, believe me. (He smiles round at John but then his face becomes more grim as he walks towards a pair of armchairs in the middle of the room.) MYCROFT: They don’t want a repeat of nineteen seventy-two. But we can talk in here. (John walks to a small table and picks up a copy of “The Sun” which is lying on it. He brandishes it at Mycroft.) JOHN: You read this stuff? MYCROFT: Caught my eye. JOHN (sitting down in one of the armchairs): Mmm-hmm. MYCROFT: Saturday: they’re doing a big exposé. (John reads the announcement at the top of the front page. The headline reads: “SHERLOCK: THE SHOCKING TRUTH” with the strapline “Close Friend Richard Brook Tells All”. The article reveals that it is an Exclusive from Kitty Riley and the text reads: “Super-sleuth Sherlock Holmes has today been exposed as a fraud in a revelation that will shock his new found base of adoring fans. // Out-of-work actor Richard Brook revealed exclusively to THE SUN that he was hired by Holmes in an elaborate deception to fool the British public into believing Holmes had above-average ‘detective skills’. // Brook, who has known Holmes for decades and until recently considered him to be a close friend, said he was at first desperate for the money, but later found he had no” [at which point the text just stops].) JOHN: I’d love to know where she got her information. MYCROFT: Someone called Brook. Recognise the name? (John lowers the paper and shakes his head.) JOHN: School friend, maybe? (Mycroft laughs in a snide way. Your transcriber wants to slap him really quite hard.) MYCROFT: Of Sherlock’s? (He chuckles again.) But that’s not why I asked you here. (He walks to a side table and picks up several folders. Returning to John he gives him one of them. John opens the file and looks at the photograph on the top page.) JOHN: Who’s that? MYCROFT: Don’t know him? JOHN: No. MYCROFT: Never seen his face before? JOHN (looking at the photo again): Umm ... MYCROFT: He’s taken a flat in Baker Street, two doors down from you. JOHN: Hmm! I was thinking of doing a drinks thing for the neighbours. (He smiles sarcastically up at Mycroft who looks back at him straight-faced.) MYCROFT: Not sure you’ll want to. (He nods towards the folder.) Sulejmani. Albanian ht squad. Expertly-trained kller living less than twenty feet from your front door. JOHN: It’s a great location. Jubilee line’s handy. MYCROFT: John ... JOHN: What’s it got to do with me? MYCROFT (walking over and giving him another of the files): Dyachenko, Ludmila. (He sits down opposite John, who lets out a long tired groan as he opens the file and looks at the photograph inside before frowning a little.) JOHN: Um, actually, I think I have seen her. [Of course you have, John you dog ...] MYCROFT: Russian kller. She’s taken the flat opposite. JOHN (now sounding a little nervous): Okay ... I’m sensing a pattern here. MYCROFT (handing him the rest of the files): In fact, four top international assassins relocate to within spitting distance of two hundred and twenty-one B. Anything you care to share with me? (Looking at the photographs of the other assassins, John chuckles, then looks up at Mycroft.) JOHN: I’m moving?! (Mycroft looks back at him unamused, then narrows his eyes.) MYCROFT: It’s not hard to guess the common denominator, is it? JOHN: You think this is Moriarty? MYCROFT: He promised Sherlock he’d come back. JOHN: If this was Moriarty, we’d be dad already. MYCROFT: If not Moriarty, then who? JOHN: Why don’t you talk to Sherlock if you’re so concerned about him? (Mycroft looks away and toys with the glass on the table beside him. John rolls his eyes.) JOHN: Oh God, don’t tell me. MYCROFT: Too much history between us, John. Old scores; resentments. JOHN: Nicked all his Smurfs? Broke his Action Man? (Mycroft glowers at him. John can’t help but laugh, then pulls himself together and puts the files onto the table beside him.) JOHN (in a whisper): Finished. (He stands up and turns to leave the room.) MYCROFT: We both know what’s coming, John. (John stops and turns back, clearly now struggling to control his anger.) MYCROFT: Moriarty is obsessed. He’s sworn to destroy his only rival. JOHN (tightly): So you want me to watch out for your brother because he won’t accept your help. MYCROFT: If it’s not too much trouble. (He directs a smile at John but it quickly fades and his expression becomes more thrat. John holds his gaze, then looks away, nods in a resigned way and turns to go to the door again. Opening it, he looks back at Mycroft once more, who still has the same look on his face, then leaves the room.) 221B. A taxi drops John off opposite the flat. As he crosses the road, he can’t help but be aware of people passing by in the street, wondering if any of them are the assassins keeping an eye on the flat. As John reaches the front door – which is standing wide open – he sees that a brown envelope has been left on the doorstep. There is nothing written on the front but the back has a large old fashioned wax seal on it. He peels open one corner of the envelope and puts his finger in to slide it along the edge and slice the rest of the envelope open. Immediately a lot of brown dust, with some larger chunks of brown something, fall out. As he catches some of the debris and looks at it, a man’s Cockney voice speaks behind him. MAN: ’Scuse, mate. JOHN: Oh. (He steps aside as a heavily tattooed bald-headed man wearing jeans and a black vest carries a stepladder [a yellow one – can we start a new game?] into the hallway. John follows him in, putting the envelope into his pocket as he goes. He trots upstairs and goes into the living room.) JOHN: Sherlock, something weird ... (He stops as he sees that Greg and Sally are in the room with Sherlock.) JOHN: What’s going on? SHERLOCK: Kidnapping. (He goes over to the table and sits down and starts to type on the laptop.) LESTRADE: Rufus Bruhl, the ambassador to the U.S. JOHN: He’s in Washington, isn’t he? LESTRADE: Not him – his children, Max and Claudette, age seven and nine. (Sally shows John photographs of the two children.) LESTRADE: They’re at St Aldate’s. DONOVAN: Posh boarding place down in Surrey. LESTRADE (to Sherlock, who is still typing): The school broke up; all the other boarders went home – just a few kids remained, including those two. DONOVAN: The kids have vanished. LESTRADE: The ambassador’s asked for you personally. (Sherlock is already on his feet and heading out of the door with his coat over his arm.) DONOVAN (sarcastically): The Reichenbach Hero. (Sherlock keeps going. After a moment Greg follows him out.) LESTRADE: Isn’t it great to be working with a celebrity(!) (As John gestures for Sally to precede him out of the room, their actions are being watched by a camera high up on the living room wall near the left-hand front window.) ST ALDATE’S SCHOOL. Greg’s car drives into the grounds of the boarding school and pulls up outside the front entrance. Two police cars are already there and a woman is standing in front of one of them, leaning against the bonnet wearing a shock blanket around her shoulders and crying while a uniformed female police officer talks reassuringly to her. A man, probably a plain clothed police officer, is talking to her but walks away as Greg, Sally and the boys get out of the car and approach. The woman blows her nose on her handkerchief. FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (comfortingly): It’s all right. LESTRADE (quietly to Sherlock): Miss Mackenzie, House Mistress. Go easy. (He stays back and lets Sherlock walk over to the woman on his own.) SHERLOCK: Miss Mackenzie, you’re in charge of pupil welfare, yet you left this place wide open last night. (His voice rises angrily.) What are you: an idiot, a drunk or a criminal? (He grabs the blanket and abruptly pulls it from around her shoulders. She gasps in fear as he glares furiously at her.) SHERLOCK (loudly): Now quickly, tell me! MISS MACKENZIE (tearfully and cringing in terror): All the doors and windows were properly bolted. No-one – not even me – went into their room last night. You have to believe me! (Sherlock’s demeanour instantly changes and he smiles reassuringly and gently takes hold of her shoulders.) SHERLOCK: I do. I just wanted you to speak quickly. (He looks at the nearby police officers as he turns and walks away.) SHERLOCK: Miss Mackenzie will need to breathe into a bag now. (She sobs in distress and the female police officer hurries over to comfort her. Inside the school, Sherlock leads the others into one of the dormitories.) JOHN: Six grand a term, you’d expect them to keep the kids safe for you. You said the other kids had all left on their holidays? (Sherlock has already looked in a cupboard beside one of the beds and now drops to his knees and peers under the bed.) LESTRADE: They were the only two sleeping on this floor. Absolutely no sign of a break-in. (Sherlock picks up a lacrosse stick lying on the floor and gets to his feet while looking at the stick closely. He briefly wields it as if using it as a wapon but then apparently decides it wasn’t used in that way and drops it to the floor again.) LESTRADE: The intruder must have been hidden inside some place. (Sherlock goes over to a wooden trunk and opens the lid. Amongst the other items inside the trunk he finds a large brown envelope with a wax seal on the back which has already been broken as if someone has opened the envelope. Inside is a large hardback book. Checking the envelope carefully first, he then takes the book out and looks at the cover. The book is “Grimm’s Fairy Tales.” He looks along the edges of the book and then riffles the pages quickly. Finding nothing of interest, he looks up.) SHERLOCK: Show me where the brother slept. (He is taken to another smaller dormitory and looks around, going to stand beside a bed which is facing the door. The door has a frosted glass pane in it. He looks towards the door while gesturing down to the bed.) SHERLOCK: The boy sleeps there every night, gazing at the only light source outside in the corridor. He’d recognise every shape, every outline, the silhouette of everyone who came to the door. LESTRADE: Okay, so ... SHERLOCK: So someone approaches the door who he doesn’t recognise, an intruder. Maybe he can even see the outline of a wapon. (Leaving the other three inside the room, he goes outside the door and pulls it almost closed, then raises his hand and points his fingers as if they’re a gn, showing the others how it would be seen through the frosted glass. He pushes the door open and comes back into the room.) SHERLOCK: What would he do in the precious few seconds before they came into the room? How would he use them if not to cry out? (He walks around the bed, looking at the boy’s possessions.) SHERLOCK: This little boy; this particular little boy ... (he looks at the bedside table) ... who reads all of those spy books. What would he do? JOHN: He’d leave a sign? (Sherlock starts sniffing noisily. He picks up a cricket bat leaning against the nearby cupboard and sniffs along both sides of it. Putting the bat down again he squats and sniffs around the bedside table, then reaches under the bed and finds an almost empty glass bottle of linseed oil. He looks up.) SHERLOCK (sternly): Get Anderson. Not long afterwards the room has been darkened as much as possible by closing the wooden shutters over the windows. Sherlock shines an ultraviolet light on the wall beside the boy’s bed where the words “HELP US” have been written on the wall, only now visible in the light. SHERLOCK: Linseed oil. ANDERSON: Not much use. Doesn’t lead us to the kidnapper. SHERLOCK: Brilliant, Anderson. ANDERSON: Really? SHERLOCK: Yes. Brilliant impression of an idiot. (He points downwards, shining the light close to the wooden floorboards.) SHERLOCK: The floor. (There are several sets of illuminated footprints of varying sizes leading towards the door. Sherlock follows them slowly.) JOHN: He made a trail for us! SHERLOCK: The boy was made to walk ahead of them. JOHN (looking at the shape of some of the smaller footprints): On, what, tiptoe? SHERLOCK: Indicates anxiety; a gn held to his head. (He walks slowly out into the corridor, which has also been blacked out, and follows the footsteps. Anderson walks beside him with another ultraviolet light.) SHERLOCK: The girl was pulled beside him, dragged sideways. He had his left arm cradled about her neck. (A few yards along the corridor the glowing footsteps stop.) ANDERSON: That’s the end of it. We don’t know where they went from here. (Sherlock stops. Anderson turns back to him.) ANDERSON: Tells us nothing after all. SHERLOCK: You’re right, Anderson – nothing. (He pauses for a moment, then takes a breath.) SHERLOCK (quickfire): Except his shoe size, his height, his gait, his walking pace. (He reaches to the closest window and tears down the blackout material that had been stuck across it. Daylight floods back into the corridor. Putting the light onto the window sill, he kneels down and takes his wallet of tools and a small lidded plastic Petri dish from his inside pocket. As the police go back towards the bedroom, he puts the dish on the floor, opens the wallet and chuckles contentedly. John squats down beside him.) JOHN: Having fun? SHERLOCK: Starting to. JOHN: Maybe don’t do the smiling. (Sherlock lifts his head.) JOHN: Kidnapped children? (Sherlock lowers his head again and concentrates on scraping some of the dried linseed oil and floor wax loose with a small scalpel and then using tweezers to pick up the loosened pieces and put them into the container.) LONDON. Sherlock and John are in a taxi. JOHN: But how did he get past the CCTV? If all the doors were locked ... SHERLOCK: He walked in when they weren’t locked. JOHN: But a stranger can’t just walk into a school like that. SHERLOCK: Anyone can walk in anywhere if they pick the right moment. Yesterday – end of term, parents milling around, chauffeurs, staff. What’s one more stranger among that lot? (A flashback shows one of the school children outside the entrance being embraced by her mother. Other adults and children are all around, and one man walks alone up the steps towards the door.) SHERLOCK: He was waiting for them. All he had to do was find a place to hide. ST BARTHOLOMEW’S HOSPITAL. Molly Hooper walks along a corridor, pulling her coat on. Just as she reaches the fre doors at the end of the corridor, Sherlock and John walk through them. SHERLOCK: Molly! MOLLY: Oh, hello. I’m just going out. SHERLOCK (putting his hands onto her shoulders and turning her back the way she just came): No you’re not. MOLLY: I’ve got a lunch date. SHERLOCK (putting a hand on her back to start her walking again): Cancel it. You’re having lunch with me. (Reaching into his coat pockets, he dramatically produces a bag of Quavers crisps from each pocket.) MOLLY: What? SHERLOCK (putting the crisps back into his pockets): Need your help. It’s one of your old boyfriends – we’re trying to track him down. He’s been a bit naughty! (Reaching the fre doors at the other end of the corridor, he turns and smiles back at Molly, who has stopped dad a few paces back. John also stops and stares at him.) JOHN: It’s Moriarty? SHERLOCK: Course it’s Moriarty. MOLLY: Er, Jim actually wasn’t even my boyfriend. We went out three times. I ended it. SHERLOCK: Yes, and then he stole the Crown Jewels, broke into the Bank of England and organised a prison break at Pentonville. For the sake of law and order, I suggest you avoid all future attempts at a relationship, Molly. (Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out and brandishes the Quavers at her again, then continues on through the fre door. She stares after him in utter bewilderment.) Shortly afterwards, wearing her lab coat, she pushes her way through the door into Sherlock’s favourite lab weighed down by the huge pile of books and files she is carrying. As she staggers into the room, Sherlock is sitting at the bench in front of a microscope. John is standing at the other side of the bench. SHERLOCK: Oil, John. (He opens the plastic Petri dish and takes out one of the samples with tweezers.) SHERLOCK: The oil in the kidnapper’s footprint – it’ll lead us to Moriarty. (He drops the sample into a test tube which has some liquid in the bottom. The fluid begins to fizz. He suctions up some of the liquid and drops it onto a slide.) SHERLOCK: All the chemical traces on his shoe have been preserved. The sole of the shoe is like a passport. If we’re lucky we can see everything that he’s been up to. (He looks at the slide under the microscope. Time passes and we see brief extracts of the work that he and Molly are doing. She puts on latex gloves.) SHERLOCK: I need that analysis. (Molly squeezes some liquid into a glass dish and applies some Litmus paper to it. The paper turns blue.) MOLLY: Alkaline. SHERLOCK: Thank you, John. MOLLY: Molly. SHERLOCK: Yes. (She turns away unhappily. Sherlock has found the first component in the mixture of items and makes a note of it: 1. Chalk He takes another sample and dissolves it. The results reveal another item: 2. Asphalt Dissolving another sample into a dish: 3. Brick Dust And another sample dissolved and heated over a Bunsen burner: 4. Vegetation Later, he has another sample on a slide and is looking at it in the microscope. He quietly murmurs to himself.) SHERLOCK (softly): I ... owe ... you. (He turns his head and looks at a computer screen nearby.) SHERLOCK: Glycerol molecule. (He sighs heavily as he struggles to identify the item, seeing it in his head as: 5. ? SHERLOCK: What are you? (He looks into the microscope again as Molly stands beside him typing onto a laptop.) MOLLY: What did you mean, “I owe you”? (John walks across the lab on the other side of the bench. Sherlock raises his eyes from the microscope and watches him as he crosses the room.) MOLLY: You said, “I owe you”. You were muttering it while you were working. SHERLOCK (looking into the ’scope again): Nothing. Mental note. (Molly looks at him.) MOLLY: You’re a bit like my dad. He’s dad. (She closes her eyes, embarrassed.) MOLLY: No, sorry. SHERLOCK: Molly, please don’t feel the need to make conversation. It’s really not your area. (Molly cringes but continues.) MOLLY: When he was ... dying, he was always cheerful; he was lovely – except when he thought no-one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad. SHERLOCK (sternly): Molly ... MOLLY: You look sad ... (she glances towards John) ... when you think he can’t see you. (Sherlock’s eyes lift from the microscope and drift towards John who is looking through papers on the other side of the lab some distance away, unaware of the conversation. Sherlock turns his head and looks at Molly.) MOLLY: Are you okay? (He opens his mouth but she interrupts before he can speak.) MOLLY: And don’t just say you are, because I know what that means, looking sad when you think no-one can see you. SHERLOCK: You can see me. MOLLY: I don’t count. (Sherlock blinks and really looks at her, possibly for the first time since he has known her.) MOLLY: What I’m trying to say is that, if there’s anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me. (She flinches and looks away briefly.) MOLLY: No, I just mean ... I mean if there’s anything you need ... (She shakes her head.) MOLLY: It’s fine. (She turns away. Sherlock looks shaken.) SHERLOCK: What-what-what could I need from you? MOLLY (turning back to him): Nothing. (She shrugs.) I dunno. You could probably say thank you, actually. (She nods nervously but firmly. The side of Sherlock’s mouth twitches as if it doesn’t know how to say the words.) SHERLOCK (hesitantly): ... Thank you. (He frowns and turns his head away as if surprised that he has said it. Molly starts to walk towards the door.) MOLLY: I’m just gonna go and get some crisps. Do you want anything? (He starts to open his mouth but she turns back and beats him to it.) MOLLY: It’s okay, I know you don’t. SHERLOCK: Well, actually, maybe I’ll ... MOLLY: I know you don’t. (She turns and walks away, leaving the room. He watches her go, then gazes into the distance thoughtfully for a moment before looking back to his microscope.) (On the other side of the lab, ignorant of the conversation that has just taken place, John is looking through police photographs taken at the school. He finds one of the inside of the wooden trunk which shows the envelope with the wax seal, and another with a close-up of the seal.) JOHN: Sherlock. SHERLOCK: Hmm? JOHN: This envelope that was in her trunk. There’s another one. (He walks over to where he has put his jacket.) SHERLOCK: What? JOHN: On our doorstep. Found it today. (He gets the envelope out of his pocket and looks at it.) JOHN: Yes, and look at that. (He brings the envelope round the bench and gives it to Sherlock.) JOHN: Look at that. Exactly the same seal. (Sherlock reaches into the envelope and takes out some of the brown dust which we now see more clearly.) SHERLOCK: Breadcrumbs. JOHN: Uh-huh. It was there when I got back. SHERLOCK: A little trace of breadcrumbs; hardback copy of fairy tales. (His eyes widen.) SHERLOCK: Two children led into the forest by a wicked father follow a little trail of breadcrumbs. JOHN: That’s “Hansel and Gretel.” What sort of kidnapper leaves clues? SHERLOCK: The sort that likes to boast; the sort that thinks it’s all a game. He sat in our flat and he said these exact words to me ... (Jim’s voice overlays Sherlock’s as he relates the words.) SHERLOCK/JIM: All fairytales need a good old-fashioned villain. [Don’t go back and check – that’s not exactly what Jim said. He said “Every fairytale needs a good old-fashioned villain.” Please excuse your transcriber for a moment while she goes and slaps the scriptwriter ...] (Sherlock puts the envelope down and adjusts his microscope before starting to look into it again.) SHERLOCK: The fifth substance: it’s part of the tale. (He looks up again.) SHERLOCK: The witch’s house. JOHN: What? (In repeated cut-aways during the next few lines, the two kidnapped children are kneeling on the floor somewhere, rapidly peeling the wrappers from sweets and eating them.) SHERLOCK: The glycerol molecule. (The final element in the sample becomes clear to him: 5. PGPR SHERLOCK: PGPR! JOHN: What’s that? SHERLOCK (leaping to his feet): It’s used in making chocolate. (He hurries out of the lab as, in the cut-away, the children continue to scoff the sweets on the floor. The camera pulls back to show that they are in what looks like an abandoned factory or warehouse.) SCOTLAND YARD. Greg hands a sheet of paper to Sherlock as he leads him and John into the department’s main office. LESTRADE: This fax arrived an hour ago. (There is a large handwritten note on the paper saying: HURRY UP THEY’RE DYING! Sherlock hands the note to John.) LESTRADE: What have you got for us? SHERLOCK: Need to find a place in the city where all five of these things intersect. (He hands a piece of paper to Greg, who reads it aloud.) LESTRADE: Chalk, asphalt, brick dust, vegetation ... What the hell is this? Chocolate? SHERLOCK: I think we’re looking for a disused sweet factory. LESTRADE: We need to narrow that down. A sweet factory with asphalt? SHERLOCK: No. No-no-no. Too general. Need something more specific. Chalk; chalky clay – that’s a far thinner band of geology. (He calls up a map of London in his head, overlaying it with the names of the towns, then begins zooming in and out of various areas.) LESTRADE: Brick dust? SHERLOCK: Building site. Bricks from the nineteen fifties. LESTRADE (rubbing his face in despair): There’s thousands of building sites in London. (Sherlock looks exasperated at the distraction.) SHERLOCK: I’ve got people out looking. LESTRADE: So have I. SHERLOCK: Homeless network – faster than the police. (He smiles snidely.) Far more relaxed about taking bribes. (Sitting at a desk nearby, Anderson looks up and rolls his eyes. Sherlock’s phone trills a text alert, followed by several more alerts. He brandishes his phone triumphantly at Greg as the messages continue to pour in. Smiling smugly, he lifts the phone up high and calls up his mental London map in front of him, flicking his eyes across to the phone to look at each photograph and then transfer it to the map. One of the photos attracts his particular attention, being a close-up sht of some purple flowers.) SHERLOCK: John. (He holds the phone out to show him the picture.) SHERLOCK: Rhododendron ponticum. It matches. (He goes back to the mental map and scans around it to the only places in London where such a plant grows, then finds the one place that contains the other elements as well.) SHERLOCK: Addlestone. LESTRADE: What? SHERLOCK: There’s a mile of disused factories between the river and the park. It matches everything. (He turns and hurries out of the office with John in hot pursuit. Greg turns to his team.) LESTRADE: Right, come on. (Sally hesitates.) LESTRADE: Come on! (She jumps up and hurries after him.) ADDLESTONE. Several police cars race to a disused factory and the police officers, together with Sherlock and John, run inside the dark building. Everyone switches on flashlights and Sally coordinates the police as they start to search in all directions. DONOVAN: You, look over there. Look everywhere. Okay, spread out, please. Spread out. (Greg leads another team, including Sherlock and John, into another part of the factory. Greg directs his officers.) LESTRADE (softly): Look in there. Quietly. Quietly. (As they make their way deeper into the factory, Sherlock finds a large number of empty sweet wrappers scattered on the floor around a candle on a plate. Sherlock touches the wick of the candle.) SHERLOCK: This was alight moments ago. (He calls out loudly.) SHERLOCK: They’re still here. (The search continues all around.) SHERLOCK: Sweet wrappers. What’s he been feeding you? (He picks up one of the wrappers and looks at it more closely.) SHERLOCK: Hansel and Gretel. (He holds the wrapper closer to the beam of his flashlight and sniffs the paper before touching the tip of his tongue to it and grimacing at the taste. He looks at the wrapper in startled realisation of what he has just tasted.) SHERLOCK: Mercury. LESTRADE: What? SHERLOCK: The papers: they’re painted with mercury. (John groans.) SHERLOCK: Lethal. The more of the stuff they ate ... JOHN: It was klling them. SHERLOCK: But it’s not enough to kll them on its own. Taken in large enough quantities, eventually it would kll them. (The police continue searching the building but Sherlock is now locked onto his thoughts about Moriarty.) SHERLOCK: He didn’t need to be there for the execution. mrder by remote control. He could be a thousand miles away. (Nearby, Sally sees something in the light of her torch. She moves closer and sees a little girl sitting on the ground with her brother’s head in her lap. His eyes are closed. The girl looks around at Sally.) SHERLOCK (softly, to himself): The hungrier they got, the more they ate ... the faster they died. (He grins.) SHERLOCK: Neat. JOHN: Sherlock. DONOVAN (calling out): Over here! (Everyone runs in the direction of her voice. Sally and other officers reach down to the children.) DONOVAN: I’ve got you. Don’t worry. SCOTLAND YARD. Sherlock is pacing outside an office while John sits nearby. The door to the office opens and Sally and Greg come out. DONOVAN (sarcastically to Sherlock): Right, then. The professionals have finished. If the amateurs wanna go in and have their turn ... (John stands up and walks over to the others. Greg looks seriously at Sherlock.) LESTRADE: Now, remember, she’s in shock and she’s just seven years old, so anything you can do to ... SHERLOCK: ... not be myself. LESTRADE: Yeah. Might be helpful. (Sherlock looks round to John and, doing everything but roll his eyes, reaches up and unpops the collar of his coat, folding it down flat before leading John and the others into the office. The little girl is sitting at a table looking down into her lap. A female liaison officer is sitting beside her stroking her arm reassuringly.) SHERLOCK: Claudette, I ... (He gets no further as the girl lifts her head, takes one look at him and begins to scream in terror.) SHERLOCK: No-no, I know it’s been hard for you. (She continues screaming and scrambles to get away while pointing at him.) SHERLOCK: Claudette, listen to me ... LESTRADE: Out. Get out! (Grabbing his arm, he bundles Sherlock out of the room as the girl’s screams continue.) Shortly afterwards, Sherlock is standing at the window of another office looking out into the night through the slats of the Venetian blinds. Sally stands at the other side of the office watching him thoughtfully. JOHN: Makes no sense. LESTRADE: The kid’s traumatised. Something about Sherlock reminds her of the kidnapper. JOHN: So what’s she said? DONOVAN: Hasn’t uttered another syllable. JOHN: And the boy? LESTRADE: No, he’s unconscious; still in intensive care. (In the building opposite Scotland Yard, all the lights in the offices come on. On the second floor, spray paint has been applied to three of the office windows. Sherlock stares at the enormous letters that have been painted: I O U Seconds later, the lights on that floor go out again. Behind Sherlock, the others are unaware of what he has just seen because the view was blocked by the blinds.) LESTRADE: Well, don’t let it get to you. I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room! In fact, so do most people. (He looks round to Sally and John.) LESTRADE: Come on. (He and John leave the room. Sally stays behind as Sherlock turns away from the window and walks towards the door.) DONOVAN: Brilliant work you did, finding those kids from just a footprint. It’s really amazing. SHERLOCK: Thank you. DONOVAN (pointedly): Unbelievable. (Sherlock hesitates momentarily, then continues on. She watches him go with a thoughtful expression.) (Outside shortly afterwards, John waits for Sherlock to join him and then looks down the street.) JOHN: Ah. (He raises his hand to hail the approaching taxi. As the boys walk to the edge of the kerb, John looks round to Sherlock.) JOHN: You okay? SHERLOCK: Thinking. (The taxi pulls up at the kerb.) SHERLOCK: This is my cab. You get the next one. JOHN: Why? SHERLOCK: You might talk. (He gets in and closes the door and the taxi pulls away. John stares after him in disbelief, then sighs.) Back inside Scotland Yard, Sally is in a large office and has scattered all the police photographs and other evidence over a long table. She stands looking down at everything thoughtfully. Greg walks along the corridor outside and notices her. He stops and looks into the room as Sally mentlly plays back earlier moments. LESTRADE: What the hell is this? Chocolate? SHERLOCK: I think we’re looking for a disused sweet factory. (Claudette screams in terror.) LESTRADE: Get out! (Now Greg comes into the room and walks over to Sally as Claudette’s screams fade from her mind.) LESTRADE: Problem? (She looks around at him, then down at the evidence again.) TAXI. Sherlock sits in the back lost in thought. Partway into the journey, the TV screen on the back of the driver’s seat switches on and an advertisement starts to play. London Taxi Shopping is advertising jewellery. VOICEOVER: This is a stunning evening wear set from us here at London Taxi Shopping. SHERLOCK (to the driver): Can you turn this off, please? (The driver doesn’t respond and the advert continues.) VOICEOVER: As you can see, the set comprises of a beautiful ... SHERLOCK (louder, angrily): Can you turn this off ... (The image on the screen begins to fritz as if another channel is breaking through. There are momentary glimpses of someone who can only be Jim Moriarty grinning at the screen. Eventually the advert disappears and Jim is seen smiling cheerfully. Behind him is a pale blue wall with painted white fluffy clouds floating across it. Jim’s voice takes on a sing-song quality as if he is talking to children.) JIM: Hullo. Are you ready for the story? This is the story of Sir Boast-a-lot. (Sherlock stares at the screen, his face intense.) SCOTLAND YARD. Sally is showing Greg one of the photographs. DONOVAN: The footprint. It’s all he has. A footprint. LESTRADE: Yeah, well, you know what he’s like – CSI Baker Street. DONOVAN: Well, our boys couldn’t have done it. LESTRADE: Well, that’s why we need him. He’s better. DONOVAN: That’s one explanation. LESTRADE: And what’s the other? TAXI. Jim’s image continues to smile from the TV screen. JIM: Sir Boast-a-lot was the bravest and cleverest knight at the Round Table, but soon the other knights began to grow tired of his stories about how brave he was and how many dragons he’d slain ... (Behind him, the pale blue sky gets darker and the white clouds become grey and thrat.) JIM: And soon they began to wonder ... (Behind him, rain begins to pour from the clouds.) JIM: ... ‘Are Sir Boast-a-lot’s stories even true?’ SCOTLAND YARD (offscreen) DONOVAN (voiceover): Only he could have found that evidence. TAXI. Jim shakes his head. JIM: Oh, no. SCOTLAND YARD. DONOVAN: And then the girl screams her head off when she sees him – a man she has never seen before ... unless she had seen him before. LESTRADE: Wh-what’s your point? DONOVAN: You know what my point is. You just don’t wanna think about it. JIM (on the taxi TV screen): So one of the knights went to King Arthur and said ... (in a dramatic whisper) ... ‘I don’t believe Sir Boast-a-lot’s stories. He’s just a big old liar who makes things up to make himself look good.’ (At Scotland Yard, Anderson has now come in and he and Sally stand opposite Greg’s desk as he sits talking with them.) LESTRADE: You’re not seriously suggesting he’s involved, are you? ANDERSON: I think we have to entertain the possibility. (Greg stares at him, bewildered.) JIM (on the TV screen): And then even the King began to wonder ... (He frowns, raising a finger to his mouth and gazing off to the side with a wondering look on his face. At Scotland Yard, Greg sinks his face into his hand as he is forced to consider what his officers are telling him. On the taxi TV screen, Jim frowns thoughtfully as cartoon lightning bolts sht out of the clouds behind him.) JIM (shaking his head repeatedly): But that wasn’t the end of Sir Boast-a-lot’s problem. No. (He looks down for a moment, then raises his eyes to the camera again.) JIM: That wasn’t the final problem. (Sherlock bares his teeth at the screen as the camera pulls back to show Jim sitting with a storybook held in his hands. He looks up at the camera and finishes in an even more sing-song voice.) JIM: The End. (Behind him, a red velvet curtain drops down as if covering a theatre stage. The sht changes to an extreme close-up of Jim grinning hugely and showing his teeth, then the screen fritzes a few times and eventually returns to the jewellery advert.) SHERLOCK: Stop the cab! Stop the cab! (The taxi begins to pull up near the kerb.) SHERLOCK: What was that? (He jumps out of the right-hand door and runs forward to the driver’s door.) SHERLOCK: What was that? (The cabbie, wearing a cloth cap very reminiscent of the one worn by the cabbie in “A Study in Pink”, turns his head towards Sherlock and reveals that he is Jim Moriarty, who adopts a London accent as he speaks.) JIM: No charge. (He immediately accelerates away as Sherlock tries to grab hold of the door and pull the cab back. Forced to let go, he chases after the taxi but it soon speeds away. He stops in the middle of the road, glaring after it and unaware that another car is speeding along behind him. As it sounds its horn in warning, a man hurries off the pavement, grabs him and pulls him out of danger.) MAN: Look out! (Not yet fully realising what the man is doing, Sherlock strikes out at him but then stops as the car roars past and he realises what has happened. He stands with the man at arm’s length, breathing heavily as the man looks warily at him. Those of us who have been paying attention – or who just rewound the recording to check – realise that this is Sulejmani, the Albanian assassin who lives on Baker Street.) SHERLOCK (catching his breath): Thank you. (He holds out his hand for the man to shake. Sulejmani somewhat reluctantly takes it and we soon realise why he wasn’t keen as three bllts are fired into him in quick succession from somewhere behind Sherlock. Sulejmani slumps to the ground and Sherlock spins around, trying to find the source of the gn. Just then another black cab comes around the corner and pulls up a short distance away. John jumps out and hurries towards him.) JOHN: Sherlock! Some time later Sherlock stands twitching his fingers fretfully as an ambulance crew wheels Sulejmani’s body away. JOHN: That ... it’s him. It’s him. Sulejmani or something. Mycroft showed me his file. He’s a big Albanian gangster lives two doors down from us. SHERLOCK: He died because I shook his hand. JOHN: What d’you mean? SHERLOCK: He saved my life but he couldn’t touch me. Why? (He storms off. John follows.) 221B. Sherlock walks rapidly into the living room, pulling his scarf and then his coat off as he goes across to the laptop on the table. Sadly, at this point he stops removing clothing. SHERLOCK: Four assassins living right on our doorstep. They didn’t come here to kll me; they have to keep me alive. (He sits down at the table while John goes over to the window near him and looks out.) SHERLOCK: I’ve got something that all of them want, but if one of them approaches me ... JOHN: ... the others kll them before they can get it. (Sherlock grunts in agreement and types rapidly on the laptop, navigating away from the website for St Aldate’s School and calling up a list of local Wi-Fi networks. There are five of them and he checks their signal strength and the names of the networks.) SHERLOCK: All of the attention is focussed on me. There’s a surveillance web closing in on us right now. JOHN: So what have you got that’s so important? (Sherlock gazes into the distance and thinks for a moment, then runs his finger along the table beside the computer before lifting it and looking at his fingertip.) SHERLOCK: We need to ask about the dusting. Shortly afterwards, Mrs Hudson has been dragged upstairs in her nightdress and dressing gown. Sherlock is hurrying around the room checking for dust on all the furniture. SHERLOCK: Precise details: in the last week, what’s been cleaned? MRS HUDSON: Well, Tuesday I did your lino ... SHERLOCK: No, in here, this room. This is where we’ll find it – any break in the dust line. You can put back anything but dust. (He lifts his hand from the latest piece of furniture that he has been running his finger along, and twirls his finger dramatically in the air.) SHERLOCK: Dust is eloquent. (Mrs Hudson looks over her shoulder at John.) MRS HUDSON (quietly): What’s he on about? (John shakes his head and mumbles. By now Sherlock is climbing on the furniture to look more closely at the top shelves of the bookcase to the left of the fireplace.) SHERLOCK: Cameras. We’re being watched. MRS HUDSON: What? Cameras? (She cringes.) Here? I’m in my nightie! (The doorbell has just rung and she hurries out of the room, John following her. Sherlock has climbed down and now checks in the eye sockets of the skull on the mantelpiece before climbing onto small tables on the other side of the fireplace to look at the bookshelves there. Checking the books on the top shelf, he seems to realise that the one on the far right has more movement around it than it ought and he pushes it deeper into the shelf, revealing a camera stuck on the side of the bookshelf. As he reaches up to remove it, Greg comes into the room followed by John.) SHERLOCK (without turning around, still concentrating on removing the camera): No, Inspector. LESTRADE: What? SHERLOCK (stepping down with the camera in his fingers): The answer’s no. LESTRADE: But you haven’t heard the question! SHERLOCK: You want to take me to the station. Just saving you the trouble of asking. (He walks closer. Greg pulls in a breath.) LESTRADE: Sherlock ... SHERLOCK (interrupting): The scream? LESTRADE: Yeah. SHERLOCK: Who was it? Donovan? I bet it was Donovan. Am I somehow responsible for the kidnapping? Ah, Moriarty is smart. He planted that doubt in her head; that little nagging sensation. You’re gonna have to be strong to resist. You can’t kll an idea, can you? Not once it’s made a home ... (he reaches forward and briefly places his index fingertip on Greg’s forehead between his eyes) ... there. LESTRADE: Will you come? SHERLOCK (turning away, sitting down at the laptop and beginning to type): One photograph – that’s his next move. Moriarty’s game: first the scream, then a photograph of me being taken in for questioning. He wants to destroy me inch by inch. (Picking up the camera again, he looks at it for a moment, then raises his eyes to Greg’s.) SHERLOCK: It is a game, Lestrade, and not one I’m willing to play. [Memo to Benedict Cumberbatch: could you please not go into full cello-jaguar voice when I’m typing this late at night and wearing headphones cranked up loud? It’s not good for my underwear. Kthxbai.] SHERLOCK (looking away again): Give my regards to Sergeant Donovan. (Sighing and exchanging a brief look with John, Greg turns and heads off down the stairs. John watches him go [with a ‘Yeah, definitely would’ look on his face, if you ask me ...], then turns back towards Sherlock [possibly with the same expression ... Behave, Ari] who has now linked the camera into the computer so that he can pull up the footage on the computer screen. Downstairs, Greg walks along the hallway and glowers at Sally who is waiting at the front door. He walks past her and out into the street. She turns and watches him unhappily, then follows. Upstairs, John has gone over to the right-hand window and looks out at the car parked outside as Greg and Sally go over to it and get in, Greg glancing up towards the window momentarily. As the car starts, Sherlock briefly looks at John.) SHERLOCK: They’ll be deciding. JOHN: Deciding? SHERLOCK: Whether to come back with a warrant and arrest me. JOHN: You think? SHERLOCK: Standard procedure. JOHN: Should have gone with him. People’ll think ... SHERLOCK: I don’t care what people think. JOHN: You’d care if they thought you were stupid, or wrong. SHERLOCK: No, that would just make them stupid or wrong. (Angrily, John turns towards him.) JOHN: Sherlock, I don’t want the world believing you’re ... (He breaks off as Sherlock lifts his head to look at him. They lock eyes for a long moment.) SHERLOCK: That I am what? JOHN: A fraud. (Sherlock rolls his eyes and sits back in the seat.) SHERLOCK: You’re worried they’re right. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: You’re worried they’re right about me. JOHN: No. SHERLOCK: That’s why you’re so upset. You can’t even entertain the possibility that they might be right. You’re afraid that you’ve been taken in as well. JOHN (turning away and look out of the window again): No I’m not. (Sherlock leans forward.) SHERLOCK: Moriarty is playing with your mind too. (Furious, he slams his hand onto the table.) Can’t you see what’s going on? (John looks at him for a few seconds, then looks out of the window again.) JOHN: No, I know you’re for real. SHERLOCK: A hundred percent? JOHN (quietly, turning back towards him): Well, nobody could fake being such an annoying dick all the time. (Sherlock locks eyes with him again, then his mouth twitches with the trace of a smile. John looks away once more.) SCOTLAND YARD. Greg is sitting in front of the desk of the Chief Superintendant while Sally and Anderson stand nearby. The Chief walks around his desk to sit down behind it. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Sherlock Holmes? LESTRADE: Yes, sir. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: That bloke that’s been in the press. LESTRADE: Mmm-hmm. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: I thought he was some sort of private eye. LESTRADE: He is. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: We’ve been consulting with him – that’s what you’re ... you’re telling me? (Greg nods.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Not used him on any proper cases, though, have we? LESTRADE: Well, one or two. (Anderson, his arms folded and looking down at his feet, snorts quietly.) ANDERSON (softly): Or twenty or thirty. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: What? LESTRADE: Look, I’m not the only senior officer who did this. Gregson ... CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT (interrupting): Shut up! An amateur detective given access to all sorts of classified information, and now he’s a suspect in a case! LESTRADE: With all due respect, sir ... CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT (interrupting): You’re a bloody idiot, Lestrade! Now go and fetch him in right now! (Greg hesitates.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT (sternly): Do it. (Greg stands up and the three of them leave the room. The Chief Superintendant takes his glasses off and buries his head in his hand. Outside the others are on their way across the main office.) LESTRADE: Are you proud of yourselves? ANDERSON: Well, what if it’s not just this case? What if he’s done this to us every single time? (Sally grabs her coat from the coat stand as she goes past. Anderson apparently doesn’t need one, being a cold-blooded reptile who won’t feel the temperature drop outside. Greg stops for his own coat, then takes his phone out and starts dialling. Hanging back from the other two, he raises the phone to his ear.) Shortly afterwards, John – standing in the centre of the living room at 221B – lowers his own phone from his ear and switches it off. He turns to Sherlock who is now sitting in his armchair. JOHN: So, still got some friends on the Force. It’s Lestrade. Says they’re all coming over here right now, queuing up to slap on the handcuffs: every single officer you ever made feel like a tit, which is a lot of people. (Sherlock appears to be taking no notice of him, and now Mrs Hudson knocks on the closed living room door with her customary “Ooh-ooh!” and then comes in. She apparently feels the tension in the room.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, sorry, am I interrupting? (Sherlock rolls his eyes and looks away. She turns her attention to John.) MRS HUDSON: Some chap delivered a parcel. I forgot. Marked ‘Perishable’ – I had to sign for it. (John takes the Jiffy bag from her and immediately realises that there’s a wax seal over the flap. Sherlock looks across and also sees the seal.) MRS HUDSON: Funny name. German, like the fairytales. (Sherlock rises to his feet and walks forward, his gaze intense and locked on the Jiffy bag as John opens it and pulls out the contents. Outside, the sirens of several different vehicles are approaching. In John’s hand is a large gingerbread man but it’s an unusual colour. He tilts it so that Sherlock can see it better.) SHERLOCK: Burnt to a crisp. (The sirens stop as the vehicles pull up outside, and doors start to slam as people get out of the cars.) JOHN (referring to the burnt gingerbread man): What does it mean? (The doorbell rings and at the same time someone pounds on the front door knocker.) VOICE: Police! MRS HUDSON: I’ll go. (She turns and hurries down the stairs as someone continues to knock on the door. Voices can be heard as she opens the door.) DONOVAN (offscreen): Sherlock ... LESTRADE (offscreen): Evening, Mrs Hudson. DONOVAN (calling up the stairs): We need to talk to you! (John puts the gingerbread man back into the envelope and puts it on the table before heading out of the flat. Downstairs, Mrs Hudson sounds angry.) MRS HUDSON (offscreen): Don’t barge in like that! (Feet can be heard trotting up the stairs. Calmly Sherlock turns around and picks up his scarf and loops it around his neck. John is apparently blocking the stairs halfway up.) JOHN (offscreen): Have you got a warrant? Have you? LESTRADE (offscreen): Leave it, John. MRS HUDSON (offscreen): Really! Manners! (Sherlock puts his coat on. Shortly afterwards Greg stands in front of him and reads him his rights while one of two armed officers attaches handcuffs to his left wrist.) LESTRADE: Sherlock Holmes, I’m arresting you on suspicion of abduction and kidnapping. (John gestures towards Sherlock while looking at Greg as the officer pulls Sherlock’s left hand behind his back in order to cuff his other wrist.) JOHN: He’s not resisting. SHERLOCK: It’s all right, John. JOHN: He’s not resisting. No, it’s not all right. This is ridiculous. LESTRADE (to the officer who just handcuffed Sherlock): Get him downstairs now. (The officer spins Sherlock around and marches him out of the door. Mrs Hudson stands nearby almost in tears.) JOHN (to Greg): You know you don’t have to do ... LESTRADE (getting into his face and pointing at him sternly): Don’t try to interfere, or I shall arrest you too. (He turns and leaves the room. John turns to Sally who is standing near the door.) JOHN: You done? DONOVAN (looking smug and oh-so-very punchable as she walks into the room): Oh, I said it. JOHN: Mmm-hmm? DONOVAN: First time we met. JOHN: Don’t bother. DONOVAN: “Solving crimes won’t be enough. One day he’ll cross the line.” Now, ask yourself: what sort of man would kidnap those kids just so he can impress us all by finding them? (Mrs Hudson gasps. Just then the Chief Superintendant walks in.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Donovan. DONOVAN: Sir. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Got our man? DONOVAN: Er, yes, sir. CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Looked a bit of a weirdo, if you ask me. (John turns towards him.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Often are, these vigilante types. (He has been looking around the living room as he spoke but now he turns and sees John staring at him.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: What are you looking at? (Sally’s eyes widen and she instantly lowers her head as if she knows what’s coming and can’t bear to look. John starts to move.) A minute or two later, the Chief Superintendant walks out onto the street holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose. POLICE OFFICER: Are you all right, sir? (Nearby, Sherlock has been leaned against the side of a police car, facing it. Now John is slammed up against the car next to him and to his left. Sherlock looks across to him with an amused expression on his face.) SHERLOCK: Joining me? JOHN: Yeah. Apparently it’s against the law to chin the Chief Superintendant. (Behind them, a couple of armed officers unlock the cuff on Sherlock’s right hand and transfer it to John’s right wrist, chaining the boys together. Fandom collectively faints. Sherlock looks over his shoulder, watching what the officers are doing and where they’re standing.) SHERLOCK (to John): Hmm. Bit awkward, this. JOHN: Huh. No-one to bail us. SHERLOCK: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape. (He looks down at the radio lying on the dashboard of the car they’re leaning against. The radio squeals as the dispatcher speaks.) RADIO DISPATCHER: All units to two-seven. (John looks round at Sherlock’s previous statement.) JOHN: What? RADIO DISPATCHER: All units to two ... (Rapidly Sherlock reaches through the open window of the car with his free hand and presses down on the Talk button. Instantly the officer behind the boys doubles over in pain and grabs at his earpiece as a high-pitched squeal of feedback rips through it. Sherlock reaches behind him and pulls the officer’s pstol free, instantly raising it. As it’s in his left hand, John’s shackled right hand is yanked upwards as well and he gasps in surprise at the rapid turn of events. Sherlock calls out as he aims the pstol towards the nearest officers.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, will you all please get on your knees? (Nearby, Greg’s whole body language says, ‘Oh, FFS ...’ When nobody reacts very quickly, Sherlock raises the gn skywards and fires it twice.) SHERLOCK: NOW would be good! (He lowers it and points it at the police again.) LESTRADE: Do as he says! (He gestures everybody downwards and all the police start to kneel. The boys start to back away.) JOHN (loudly): Just-just so you’re aware, the gn is his idea. I’m just a ... you know ... (Sherlock transfers the pstol to his right hand and promptly aims it at John’s head.) SHERLOCK (loudly): ... my hostage. (John gasps.) JOHN (quietly, to Sherlock): Hostage! Yes, that works – that works(!) (They continue backing away from the kneeling police. Behind them and probably unnoticed in all the excitement, a new piece of artistic graffiti has been sprayed on the wall of the house on the street corner. In red paint, huge letters spelling out “iou” are at least three feet high and are surrounded by an elaborate dark set of angel’s wings. The boys begin to back carefully around the corner.) JOHN: So what now? SHERLOCK: Doing what Moriarty wants – I’m becoming a fugitive. Run. (He turns and begins to race off down the road, dragging John with him. Back at the police cars, Greg buries his head in his hands. The Chief Superintendant gets to his feet and turns to him.) CHIEF SUPERINTENDANT: Get after him, Lestrade! (Greg glares furiously at Sally as she begins to head in the direction the boys have gone. Greg is a lot slower in getting moving. Around the corner as the boys run along side by side, Sherlock loops the loose chain between their handcuffs around his wrist.) SHERLOCK: Take my hand. JOHN (grabbing his hand as they race onwards): Now people will definitely talk. (Sirens are approaching at the junction ahead of them. Sherlock swerves to his left and drops the pstol in the process. It clatters to the ground.) JOHN: The gn! SHERLOCK: Leave it! (He shoves John down a side alley as the police car races straight across the junction. They run down the alleyway and reach high railings blocking their way. Sherlock, with his customary flair, leaps up onto the top of a dustbin and vaults straight over the top of the railings. John, being an adorable short-arse and also not as close to the dustbin, is left behind; his right hand is dragged upwards and his face almost smashes against the railings as Sherlock drops to the other side.) JOHN: Sherlock, wait! (He reaches through the railings with his free hand and grabs Sherlock’s coat, dragging him closer and glaring into his face. The fandom screams with one voice, “KISS HIM!”) JOHN (speaking clearly and sternly): We’re going to need to coordinate. (Sherlock quickly scans all around them.) SHERLOCK: Go to your right. JOHN: Huh? SHERLOCK: Go to your right. (He looks upwards and goes up onto his tiptoes to get the chain of the cuffs over the top of one of the spikes at the top of the railings.) (Not long afterwards, they’re on the same side of the railings and running down the alley again. Reaching a T-junction Sherlock turns to the right, then immediately brakes and ducks back again as a sirening police car races past the end of the alley. The two of them lean side by side against the wall catching their breath for a moment.) SHERLOCK: Everybody wants to believe it – that’s what makes it so clever. (He looks at John.) A lie that’s preferable to the truth. (Looking away again, his voice becomes bitter.) All my brilliant deductions were just a sham. No-one feels inadequate – Sherlock Holmes is just an ordinary man. JOHN: What about Mycroft? He could help us. (He grunts as Sherlock drags him across to the other side of the alley and peers down the left arm of the T-junction.) SHERLOCK: A big family reconciliation? Now’s not really the moment. (He spins around, dragging John in a circle behind him as he looks back the way they came. John spots something at the end of the right arm of the T-junction.) JOHN: Sher... Sherlock. (He elbows him with his cuffed arm to turn him in that direction. A face is peering around the corner at the end of the alley.) JOHN: We’re being followed. I knew we couldn’t outrun the police. SHERLOCK: That’s not the police. It’s one of my new neighbours from Baker Street. Let’s see if he can give us some answers. (He breaks in the opposite direction from where the man is watching them. Running to the next corner, they flatten themselves against the wall as they reach it and Sherlock looks around the corner. There’s no sign of any police in the street but a double decker bus – the number 74 to Baker Street Station – is approaching. Sherlock presses himself back against the wall again.) JOHN: Where are we going? SHERLOCK: We’re going to jump in front of that bus. JOHN: What?! (But Sherlock’s already on the move and drags John out into the street. The assassin races after them. Halfway across the road, Sherlock screeches to a halt directly in front of the approaching bus. John’s impetus carries him past Sherlock before he’s able to turn and now they’re both facing the bus and not moving. The assassin charges into the road, throws himself at them and shoves them out of the way and all three of them tumble to the ground as the bus drives past, its horn blaring. Before the assassin can recover, Sherlock sits up and drags the man’s own gn from his jeans, then cocks and points it at him.) SHERLOCK: Tell me what you want from me. (The man stares at him wide-eyed but doesn’t speak. Sherlock moves the gn’s muzzle closer to him.) SHERLOCK: Tell me. ASSASSIN: He left it at your flat. SHERLOCK: Who? ASSASSIN: Moriarty. SHERLOCK: What? (All three of them start to get to their feet, Sherlock still holding the gn on the other man.) ASSASSIN: The computer keycode. SHERLOCK: Of course. He’s selling it – the programme he used to break into the Tower. He planted it when he came around. (Three gn ring out and the assassin reels and drops to the ground. Sherlock stares up in the direction the bllts came from, then swings around and he and John race off. As police sirens approach again, they duck into an open doorway as yet another police car drives past the end of the road. They take a moment to catch their breath again.) SHERLOCK: It’s a game-changer. It’s a key – it can break into any system and it’s sitting in our flat right now. That’s why he left that message telling everyone where to come. “Get Sherlock.” We need to get back into the flat and search. JOHN: CID’ll be camped out. Why plant it on you? SHERLOCK: It’s another subtle way of smearing my name. Now I’m best pals with all those criminals. (John has spotted a pile of newspapers nearby and he picks up the top copy.) JOHN: Yeah, well, have you seen this? (It’s a copy of “The Sun” – the same edition that Mycroft had at the Diogenes Club that morning, telling of the upcoming exposé by Kitty Riley. John shows it to Sherlock.) JOHN: A kiss and tell. Some bloke called Rich Brook. (Sherlock slowly turns his head – clearly the name means something to him. John is still looking at the paper and doesn’t see his expression.) JOHN: Who is he? Kitty Riley parks her car outside her home, gets out and locks the car before walking to the front door. Opening it, she walks along the hall to the door of her flat, then pauses and looks at the door nervously as she realises that it is slightly ajar. Hesitantly she pushes the door open and reaches for the light switch on the wall. The lights come on and she is greeted with the sight of Sherlock and John sitting side by side on her sofa, each of them drumming the fingers of their handcuffed hand on their respective knees. SHERLOCK: Too late to go on the record? Not long afterwards, Kitty is sitting in an armchair while the boys stand in the middle of the room. Sherlock is using a hairpin to pick the lock on his handcuff. SHERLOCK (to Kitty): Congratulations. The truth about Sherlock Holmes. (He frees his hand and gives the hairpin to John before starting to pace back and forth in front of Kitty.) SHERLOCK: The scoop that everybody wanted and you got it. Bravo(!) KITTY: I gave you your opportunity. I wanted to be on your side, remember? You turned me down, so ... SHERLOCK: And then, behold, someone turns up and spills all the beans. How utterly convenient. Who is Brook? (Kitty shakes her head, refusing to tell him any more.) SHERLOCK: Oh, come on, Kitty. No-one trusts the voice at the end of a telephone. (John finally frees his own hand from the cuffs.) SHERLOCK: There are all those furtive little meetings in cafés; those sessions in the hotel room where he gabbled into your dictaphone. How do you know that you can trust him? A man turns up with the Holy Grail in his pockets. (Sternly) What were his credentials? (Outside in the hallway there have been the sounds of someone coming in through the main front door. Now Kitty looks towards the door of the flat and rises to her feet with a concerned look on her face as someone pushes her door open. Sherlock turns to follow her gaze as Jim Moriarty, unshaven and with his hair messy and wearing casual clothes including a cardigan, walks in with a shopping bag.) JIM: Darling, they didn’t have any ground coffee so I just got normal ... (He raises his eyes and stares in terror at the sight of Sherlock, whose own eyes widen. Jim drops the shopping bag and backs away until he bumps into the wall behind him, holding his hands up protectively in front of him.) JIM (his voice trembling): You said that they wouldn’t find me here. You said that I’d be safe here. KITTY: You are safe, Richard. I’m a witness. He wouldn’t harm you in front of witnesses. (John, his face full of shock, points at Jim.) JOHN (to Kitty): So that’s your source? Moriarty is Richard Brook?! (His teeth are bared and he glares at Jim, breathing heavily in pure fury.) KITTY: Of course he’s Richard Brook. There is no Moriarty. There never has been. JOHN: What are you talking about? KITTY: Look him up. Rich Brook – an actor Sherlock Holmes hired to be Moriarty. (Sherlock stares at Jim, who is still holding his hands up and looking at everyone nervously. Jim’s voice is shaking as he turns to John.) JIM: Doctor Watson, I know you’re a good man. (He backs into the corner of the room, appearing terrified under John’s ferocious glare.) JIM: Don’t ... don’t h... Don’t hurt me. (John screams at him, pointing towards him furiously.) JOHN: No, you are Moriarty! (He turns his head briefly and yells at Kitty.) He’s Moriarty! (He turns back to Jim.) We’ve met, remember? You were gonna blow me up! (Jim puts his hands briefly over his face, then holds them up in front of himself again, sounding as if he is almost crying in fear.) JIM: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (He gestures towards Sherlock.) He paid me. I needed the work. I’m an actor. I was out of work. I’m sorry, okay? (Breathing heavily, John turns to Sherlock.) JOHN: Sherlock, you’d better ... explain ... because I am not getting this. KITTY: Oh I’ll ... I’ll be doing the explaining – in print. (She hands John a folder.) It’s all here – conclusive proof. (John looks at an early typed sheet of her upcoming article, then turns to the proof copy showing the layout of how it will appear in the newspaper, with spaces left for photographs. The headline reads, ”Sherlock’s a fake!” with the strapline, “He invented all the crimes”.) KITTY (looking at Sherlock): You invented James Moriarty, your nemesis. JOHN (upset): Invented him? KITTY: Mmm-hmm. Invented all the crimes, actually – and to cap it all, you made up a master villain. JOHN: Oh, don’t be ridiculous! (Kitty turns and points towards Jim.) KITTY: Ask him. He’s right here! Just ask him. Tell him, Richard. JOHN (furiously): Look, for God’s sake, this man was on trial! KITTY: Yes ... (she points at Sherlock) ... and you paid him; paid him to take the rap. Promised you’d rig the jury. (Sherlock stares at her silently.) KITTY: Not exactly a West End role, but I’ll bet the money was good. (She walks over to Jim and puts her arm around his shoulders as he stands with his hands still held out in front of himself.) KITTY: But not so good he didn’t want to sell his story. (Jim looks plaintively at John, putting his hands together pleadingly.) JIM: I am sorry. I am. I am sorry. JOHN (to Kitty): So-so this is the story that you’re gonna publish. The big conclusion of it all: Moriarty’s an actor?! (He shakes his head in disbelief.) JIM: He knows I am. I have proof. I have proof. Show him, Kitty! Show him something! JOHN: Yeah, show me something. (Kitty walks across the room. John turns to watch her as she reaches into a bag for more information. Behind them, Jim has put his hands over his face but now he pulls his hands away from his eyes a little and looks towards Sherlock, whose own gaze has barely left him since he arrived. For a brief moment, he reveals his true self and he smiles triumphantly at his enemy. Sherlock half-smiles back at him but there’s no humour in his eyes. Kitty takes out a folder, walks over to John and gives it to him.) JIM (slipping back into his Richard persona and sounding plaintive and panicked): I’m on TV. I’m on kids’ TV. I’m The Storyteller. (John looks at copies of Richard Brook’s contact details apparently taken from an agency website, then a newspaper article showing a picture of Richard in glasses wearing medical scrubs and with a stethoscope around his neck. The article is headlined, “Award Winning Actor Joins The Cast of Top Medical Drama”.) JIM: I’m ... I’m The Storyteller. It’s on DVD. (He looks across to Sherlock again, this time keeping his Richard face on. John continues looking through the folder at other publicity stills of Rich together with his CV. Jim gestures towards John, looking at Sherlock pleadingly.) JIM: Just tell him. It’s all coming out now. It’s all over. (His voice becomes more frantic.) Just tell them. Just tell them. Tell him! (Baring his teeth, Sherlock starts to walk towards him.) JIM: It’s all over now ... NO! (He backs away from Sherlock and up a short flight of stairs towards the bedroom on the upper level of the flat. His eyes are wide and terrified.) JIM: Don’t you touch me! Don’t you lay a finger on me! SHERLOCK (furiously): Stop it. Stop it NOW! (Jim turns and bolts up the stairs.) JIM: Don’t hurt me! (Sherlock and John chase after him.) JOHN: Don’t let him get away! KITTY: Leave him alone! (Jim runs into the bathroom on the other side of the bedroom. With Kitty still at the bottom of the stairs and therefore unsighted, and John halfway up the stairs with his vision blocked by Sherlock ahead of him, Jim turns and grins manically at Sherlock for a brief second before slamming the door shut. Sherlock runs to the door and struggles momentarily to open it, then shoves it open but Jim has already disappeared through the open window opposite. There’s a crash outside as if Jim has landed on top of a dustbin. Sherlock looks out of the window, then turns to stop John.) SHERLOCK: No, no, no. He’ll have back-up. (He heads towards the stairs. Kitty backs down to get out of his way but doesn’t move quickly, slowing him down.) KITTY: D’you know what, Sherlock Holmes? I look at you now and I can read you. (He stops at the bottom of the stairs as she gets into his face.) KITTY: And you ... repel ... me. (Sherlock turns and heads out of the door. John, still holding the folder of the articles about Rich, shoves Kitty aside and follows him. She closes the door behind them. The boys go out onto the street and John stops as Sherlock begins to pace rapidly back and forth in the middle of the road.) JOHN: Can he do that? Completely change his identity; make you the criminal? SHERLOCK: He’s got my whole life story. That’s what you do when you sell a big lie; you wrap it up in the truth to make it more palatable. JOHN: Your word against his. SHERLOCK: He’s been sowing doubt into people’s minds for the last twenty-four hours. There’s only one thing he needs to do to complete his game, and that’s to ... (He stops dad as he makes a realisation. John, who has still been rifling through the folder, looks up at his friend, who is turned away from him.) JOHN: Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Something I need to do. JOHN: What? Can I help? SHERLOCK: No – on my own. (He briskly walks away. John watches him, sighing, then looks down at the papers again. He looks up and down the road and then apparently decides where he needs to go and heads off in the opposite direction.) BART’S. Molly comes out of a small side room in a lab, switches off the lights and walks across the darkened lab, sighing tiredly. As she reaches the door to the corridor, Sherlock is standing in the darkness behind her with his face turned away from her. She doesn’t see him and reaches for the door handle. SHERLOCK: You’re wrong, you know. (She gasps and jumps, spinning around towards him.) SHERLOCK: You do count. You’ve always counted and I’ve always trusted you. (He turns his head towards her.) SHERLOCK: But you were right. I’m not okay. MOLLY: Tell me what’s wrong. SHERLOCK (slowly walking towards her): Molly, I think I’m going to die. MOLLY: What do you need? SHERLOCK (still slowly approaching her): If I wasn’t everything that you think I am – everything that I think I am – would you still want to help me? (Molly gazes up at him as he stops close to her.) MOLLY: What do you need? (Sherlock steps even closer, his expression intense.) SHERLOCK: You. THE DIOGENES CLUB. Mycroft walks across one of the common rooms, where an old man is fast asleep in an armchair, and goes into the smaller private room, reaching for the door handle to close it, but he stops as he realises that John is sitting in one of the armchairs with his back to him. John is still looking through Kitty’s file. JOHN: She has really done her homework, Miss Riley – things that only someone close to Sherlock could know. MYCROFT (closing the door): Ah. JOHN: Have you seen your brother’s address book lately? Two names: yours and mine, and Moriarty didn’t get this stuff from me. (Mycroft walks across the room to face him.) MYCROFT: John ... JOHN: So how does it work, then, your relationship? D’you go out for a coffee now and then, eh, you and Jim? (Mycroft sits down in the chair opposite and opens his mouth but John interrupts again. His voice is full of controlled anger.) JOHN: Your own brother, and you blabbed about his entire life to this maniac. MYCROFT: I never inten... I never dreamt ... JOHN (interrupting): So this ...th-th-this ... (he looks through the papers again) ... is what you were trying to tell me, isn’t it: “Watch his back, ’cause I’ve made a mistake.” (He slaps the papers down on the table beside his chair and sits back, clearing his throat as he tries to stay calm.) JOHN: How did you meet him? (Mycroft draws in a long breath.) MYCROFT: People like him: we know about them; we watch them. But James Moriarty ... the most dangerous criminal mind the world has ever seen, and in his pocket the ultimate wapon: a keycode. A few lines of computer code that could unlock any door. JOHN: And you abducted him to try and find the keycode? MYCROFT: Interrogated him for weeks. (Flashback to Mycroft watching through a one-way mirror as, in the cell on the other side of the mirror – the cell we saw at the end of “The Hounds of Baskerville” – a man viciously beats a seated Jim across the face.) JOHN: And? MYCROFT: He wouldn’t play along. (In the flashback, Jim slowly turns his head towards the front after the blow and stares up at his interrogator, who strikes him again.) MYCROFT: He just sat there, staring into the darkness. (Again Jim turns his head to the front, appearing unphased by the asault. The interrogator strikes him again.) MYCROFT: The only thing that made him open up ... (Ruefully he gestures to himself. In the flashback, Mycroft opens the door to the cell and stops in the doorway. Jim lifts his head and looks at Mycroft’s reflection in the mirror in front of him.) MYCROFT: I could get him to talk ... (Mycroft comes into the room and turns to shut the door behind him. Jim closes his eyes and smiles blissfully as Mycroft walks closer.) MYCROFT: ... just a little, but ... (He trails off. John grimly finishes the sentence for him.) JOHN: ... in return you had to offer him Sherlock’s life story. So one big lie – Sherlock’s a fraud – but people will swallow it because the rest of it’s true. (He leans forward in his chair.) JOHN: Moriarty wanted Sherlock destroyed, right? And you have given him the perfect ammniton. (He smiles bitterly at him. Mycroft lowers his eyes. John pulls in a sharp breath and then gets to his feet, turning towards the door.) MYCROFT: John ... (John turns back. Mycroft looks up at him.) MYCROFT (softly): I’m sorry. JOHN (tightly): Oh, please ... (He shakes his head in disbelief and turns away, laughing humourlessly as he walks to the door.) MYCROFT: Tell him, would you? (John opens the door and walks away, leaving the door open behind him.) BART’S LAB. The lights are now on. Sherlock sits alone on the floor with his back against the bench. He is bouncing a small rubber ball off the floor and cupboard in front of him and catching it before repeating the movement constantly. John comes in. JOHN: Got your message. (Sherlock catches the ball and holds on to it.) SHERLOCK: The computer code is key to this. If we find it, we can use it – bat Moriarty at his own game. JOHN: What d’you mean, “use it”? SHERLOCK: He used it to create a false identity, so we can use it to break into the records and destroy Richard Brook. JOHN: And bring back Jim Moriarty again. SHERLOCK (standing up): Somewhere in 221B, somewhere – on the day of the verdict – he left it hidden. (He turns and faces the bench, putting both hands on the work surface. John walks to stand beside him, unconsciously mimicking his stance.) JOHN: Uh-huh. (Both of them stare ahead of them, thinking. John purses his lips, then looks at Sherlock.) JOHN: What did he touch? SHERLOCK: An apple. Nothing else. (He briefly drums his fingers on the bench.) JOHN: Did he write anything down? SHERLOCK: No. (John hisses in a breath and looks away, racking his brains and again unconsciously mimicking his friend by drumming his own fingers on the bench. After a moment, he turns and walks across the lab, blwing the breath out again. Sherlock lifts the fingers of his right hand, hesitates for a moment, then begins to drum them again but now he’s beating out a specific rhythm as, in his mind, binary code begins to stream out from his fingers. He lifts his head as John sighs heavily, unaware of Sherlock’s sharpened expression. Straightening up, Sherlock turns his back to John, takes his phone out of his pocket and begins to type a text message: Come and play. Bart’s Hospital rooftop. SH He pauses for a moment, then adds: PS. Got something of yours you might want back. Sending the message, he tucks his phone away into his jacket and then turns back towards the bench, his eyes full of thought.) Some hours later, dawn is breaking. Sherlock is still in the same place, although he’s now sitting down with his feet up on the bench. He is rapidly rolling the rubber ball from side to side across the bench, his fingers flickering rapidly over the top of the ball. John has sat on a stool at a nearby bench and has his head down on his folded arms, asleep. His phone rings. Lifting his head tiredly, he groans and answers the phone. JOHN: Yeah, speaking. (He listens for a moment.) JOHN (shocked): Er, what? (He gets to his feet.) JOHN: What happened? Is she okay? (He listens.) Oh my God. Right, yes, I’m coming. (He switches the phone off.) SHERLOCK: What is it? JOHN: Paramedics. Mrs Hudson – she’s been sht. SHERLOCK: What? How? JOHN (frantically): Well, probably one of the Kllers you managed to attract ... Jesus. Jesus. She’s dying, Sherlock. Let’s go. (He turns towards the door.) SHERLOCK (disinterestedly): You go. I’m busy. (John turns back towards him, his face appalled.) JOHN: Busy? SHERLOCK: Thinking. I need to think. JOHN: You need to ...? Doesn’t she mean anything to you? You once half klled a man because he laid a finger on her. SHERLOCK (shrugging): She’s my landlady. JOHN (furiously): She’s dying ... (He flails a hand in front of himself in utter disbelief at Sherlock’s attitude.) JOHN: You machine. (He looks down, shaking his head.) JOHN: Sod this. Sod this. (He heads towards the door.) You stay here if you want, on your own. SHERLOCK: Alone is what I have. Alone protects me. JOHN (opening the door and looking back at him angrily): No. Friends protect people. (He storms out of the room. Sherlock lifts his gaze towards the door. A moment later his phone trills a text alert. He reaches into his pocket and looks at the message: I’m waiting... JM Taking his feet off the bench and standing up, he walks across the lab buttoning his jacket. He picks up his coat, opens the door and leaves the room.) On the roof of the hospital, daylight has come. Jim Moriarty – now back in a typical smart suit and overcoat and with his hair slicked back – calmly sits on the raised ledge at the edge of the building with his phone in his hand as The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” plays from it. He doesn’t look at Sherlock as he comes onto the roof and walks towards him. JIM: Ah. Here we are at last – you and me, Sherlock, and our problem – the final problem. (He holds the phone up higher.) JIM: Stayin’ alive! It’s so boring, isn’t it? (Angrily he switches the phone off.) JIM: It’s just ... (he holds his hand out flat with the palm down and skims it slowly through the air level to the roof) ... staying. (He pulls his hand back and briefly sinks his head into it as Sherlock paces around the roof.) JIM: All my life I’ve been searching for distractions. You were the best distraction and now I don’t even have you. Because I’ve beaten you. (Sherlock’s head turns sharply towards him as he continues to pace.) JIM: And you know what? In the end it was easy. (Sherlock stops and folds his hands behind his back.) JIM (quietly, disappointed): It was easy. Now I’ve got to go back to playing with the ordinary people. And it turns out you’re ordinary just like all of them. (He lowers his head again and rubs his face before looking up at Sherlock.) JIM: Ah well. (He stands up and walks closer, then starts to pace slowly around the detective.) JIM: Did you almost start to wonder if I was real? Did I nearly get you? SHERLOCK: Richard Brook. JIM: Nobody seems to get the joke, but you do. SHERLOCK: Of course. JIM: Attaboy. SHERLOCK: Rich Brook in German is Reichen Bach – the case that made my name. JIM (in a fake American accent): Just tryin’ to have some fun. (As he continues to pace around him, he looks down to Sherlock’s hands and sees that he is beating out a rhythm with his fingers.) JIM: Good. You got that too. SHERLOCK: Beats like digits. (Flashback to Jim sitting at 221B drumming his fingers on his knee.) SHERLOCK: Every bat is a one; every rest is a zero. Binary code. That’s why all those assassins tried to save my life. It was hidden on me; hidden inside my head – a few simple lines of computer code that can break into any system. JIM: I told all my clients: last one to Sherlock is a sissy. SHERLOCK (gesturing to his own head): Yes, but now that it’s up here, I can use it to alter all the records. I can kll Rich Brook and bring back Jim Moriarty. (Jim gazes at him for a moment, then turns away with a disappointed look on his face.) JIM: No, no, no, no, no, this is too easy. (He buries his head in his hands.) JIM: This is too easy. (Lowering his hands, he turns back to Sherlock.) JIM: There is no key, DOOFUS! (He screams the last word into Sherlock’s face.) JIM: Those digits are meaningless. They’re utterly meaningless. (Sherlock can’t hide the confusion on his face.) JIM: You don’t really think a couple of lines of computer code are gonna crash the world around our ears? I’m disappointed. (He turns away and lumbers across the roof, making his voice sound moronic as he continues speaking.) JIM: I’m disappointed in you, ordinary Sherlock. SHERLOCK: But the rhythm ... JIM: “Partita number one.” Thank you, Johann Sebastian Bach. SHERLOCK: But then how did ... JIM (speaking over him): Then how did I break into the Bank, to the Tower, to the Prison? (He turns and spreads his arms wide.) JIM: Daylight robbery. All it takes is some willing participants. (In flashback at the White Tower, Jim selects the Crown icon on his phone. A message is automatically sent to the man in the surveillance room who hasn’t gone to make tea. He lifts his own phone to see the message: “it’s showtime !” then types on his keyboard and the alarms begin to sound as the security screens go blank. He gets up from the desk and hurries off, presumably to close the security door that will shut Jim into the Crown Jewels display room.) JIM: I knew you’d fall for it. That’s your weakness – you always want everything to be clever. Now, shall we finish the game? One final act. Glad you chose a tall building – nice way to do it. (Sherlock has been staring blankly into the distance. Now he sounds bewildered as he speaks.) SHERLOCK: Do it? Do – do what? (He blinks as it becomes clearer to him and he turns towards Jim.) SHERLOCK: Yes, of course. My su1c1de. JIM: “Genius detective proved to be a fraud.” I read it in the paper, so it must be true. I love newspapers. Fairytales. (Sherlock walks to the edge of the roof and leans forward, looking over the side to the ground below. Jim walks to stand beside him and looks over the side as well.) JIM: And pretty Grimm ones too. (He turns his head and looks ominously at Sherlock.) 221B. A taxi pulls up outside and John jumps out and hurries towards the door, scrabbling for his keys. As he hurries inside, the man with the stepladder is standing at the top of it just in front of the stairs and is drilling a hole into the wall. Mrs Hudson is standing nearby watching him. As John runs towards her, she jolts in startlement, having not heard his approach over the sound of the drill. MRS HUDSON: Oh, God, John! You made me jump! JOHN (staring at her in confusion): But ... MRS HUDSON: Is everything okay now with the police? Has, um, Sherlock sorted it all out? (John stares for a moment longer and then it suddenly sinks in.) JOHN (softly, his voice full of horror): Oh my God. (He turns around and runs out again, looking up and down the street frantically. Luckily he immediately sees what he needs.) JOHN: Taxi! (A cab begins to pull over on the other side of the road. John chases across the road towards it.) JOHN: Taxi! (A man is standing at the side of the road having also just hailed the cab. As he leans into the front window to tell the driver his destination, John runs around the cab and pulls open the rear door, talking even as he scrambles inside.) JOHN: No, no, no, no, police! ... Sort of. MAN (walking away angrily): Oh, thanks, mate – thanks a lot(!) BART’S ROOFTOP. The two men have turned towards each other at the edge of the roof. SHERLOCK: I can still prove that you created an entirely false identity. JIM (wearily exasperated): Oh, just kll yourself. It’s a lot less effort. (Sherlock turns away, pacing distractedly.) JIM: Go on. For me. (He makes his voice into a high-pitched squeal for the next word.) JIM: Pleeeeeease? (In a sudden movement, Sherlock grabs him by the collar of his coat with both hands and spins him around so that Jim’s back is to the drop. He stares into his face and then shoves him back one step nearer the edge. Jim looks at him with interest as Sherlock’s breathing becomes shorter.) SHERLOCK: You’re insane. (Jim blinks.) JIM: You’re just getting that now? (Sherlock shoves him further back, now holding him over the edge. Jim whoops almost triumphantly and gazes back at Sherlock with no fear in his eyes, holding his hands out wide and committing himself to Sherlock’s grasp.) JIM: Okay, let me give you a little extra incentive. (Sherlock frowns. Jim’s voice becomes more savage.) JIM: Your friends will die if you don’t. (Fear begins to creep into Sherlock’s eyes.) SHERLOCK: John. JIM: Not just John. (In a whisper) Everyone. SHERLOCK: Mrs Hudson. JIM (in a whisper, with a delighted smile): Everyone. SHERLOCK: Lestrade. JIM: Three bllts; three gn; three victims. There’s no stopping them now. (Furiously, Sherlock pulls Jim back upwards to safety. Jim stares into his face.) JIM: Unless my people see you jump. (Sherlock gazes past him, breathing heavily and appearing lost in horror. Jim shakes himself free of his grasp and smiles triumphantly.) JIM: You can have me arrested; you can trture me; you can do anything you like with me; but nothing’s gonna prevent them from pulling the trigger. Your only three friends in the world will die ... unless ... SHERLOCK: ... unless I kll myself – complete your story. (Jim nods and smiles ecstatically.) JIM: You’ve gotta admit that’s sexier. SHERLOCK (his gaze distant and lost): And I die in disgrace. JIM: Of course. That’s the point of this. (He looks over the side and sees that someone has stopped at the benches near the bus stop below them.) JIM: Oh, you’ve got an audience now. Off you pop. (He rolls his head from side to side on his neck.) JIM: Go on. (Sherlock slowly steps past him and up onto the ledge.) JIM: I told you how this ends. (Sherlock’s breathing becomes more shaky as he looks down.) JIM (not even looking at him): Your death is the only thing that’s gonna call off the Kllers. I’m certainly not gonna do it. (Now he turns his head and looks up at his enemy expectantly. Sherlock blinks anxiously.) SHERLOCK: Would you give me ... one moment, please; one moment of privacy? (He glances down at Jim.) SHERLOCK: Please? (Jim looks disappointed that Sherlock should be so ‘ordinary’.) JIM: Of course. (He moves away across the roof. Sherlock takes several shallow anxious breaths, then he stops breathing for a moment as his brain kicks into gear again. He lifts his gaze as his expression becomes more like the Sherlock we know and his eyes become thoughtful. Slowly a smile spreads across his face and he starts to chuckle. Behind him, Jim is slowly walking across the roof but he stops, his expression livid, as Sherlock laughs with delight. Jim spins around furiously.) JIM: What? (Sherlock continues to laugh.) JIM (angrily): What is it? (Sherlock half turns on the ledge, smiling towards him as he glares back.) JIM (angrily): What did I miss? (Sherlock hops down off the ledge and walks closer to him.) SHERLOCK: “You’re not going to do it.” So the Kllers can be called off, then – there’s a recall code or a word or a number. (Now he’s the one circling his prey.) SHERLOCK: I don’t have to die ... (his voice becomes sing-song) ... if I’ve got you. JIM: Oh! (He laughs in relieved delight.) You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that? SHERLOCK (still circling him): Yes. So do you. JIM: Sherlock, your big brother and all the King’s horses couldn’t make me do a thing I didn’t want to. SHERLOCK (stopping and getting into Jim’s face): Yes, but I’m not my brother, remember? I am you – prepared to do anything; prepared to burn; prepared to do what ordinary people won’t do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you. (Jim shakes his head slowly.) JIM: Naah. You talk big. Naah. You’re ordinary. You’re ordinary – you’re on the side of the angels. SHERLOCK (his voice becoming more ominous): Oh, I may be on the side of the angels, but don’t think for one second that I am one of them. (The enemies lock eyes for a long moment as Jim tries to deduce how far Sherlock will go.) JIM: No, you’re not. (He blinks, then closes his eyes briefly. Sherlock does likewise in an unintentional mirror movement. Jim smiles and opens his eyes again.) JIM (softly, insanely): I see. You’re not ordinary. No. You’re me. (He hisses out a delighted laugh and his voice becomes more high-pitched.) JIM: You’re me! Thank you! (He lifts his hand as if to embrace Sherlock, but then lowers it and offers it to him to shake instead.) JIM: Sherlock Holmes. (They both look down at the offered hand, then Sherlock slowly raises his own and takes it.) JIM (nodding almost frenetically, though his voice stays soft): Thank you. Bless you. (He blinks and lowers his gaze as if blinking back tears.) JIM: As long as I’m alive, you can save your friends; you’ve got a way out. (He continues to blink with his gaze lowered.) JIM: Well, good luck with that. (In rapid succession he raises his eyes to Sherlock’s, grins manically, opens his mouth wide and pulls Sherlock closer as he reaches into his waistband with his other hand and pulls a pstol out and raises it towards his own mouth. As Sherlock instinctively pulls back, crying out in alarm, Jim sticks the muzzle into his own mouth and pulls the trigger, dropping to the roof instantly. Sherlock stares in horror as blood begins to trickle across the roof underneath Jim’s head. Jim’s eyes are fixed and open and there is a smile of victory on his face. Sherlock spins away from him, his breathing noisy and frantic as he raises his hands to his head in horror.) (Not far away and obviously unseen by Sherlock, one of the assassins trots up a staircase and then sits down on the stairs and begins to assemble a high-powered rfle. Meanwhile John sits anxiously in the taxi on his way back to Bart’s.) (At 221, Mrs Hudson gives a mug of tea to the workman as he squats in the hallway. He takes it and smiles gratefully, then picks up one of his tools and puts it back into his toolbox. Lying on top of all the other tools is a pstol with a small silncer attached to it. He raises his eyes ominously in the direction of Mrs H as she goes back into 221A.) (As the assassin on the staircase continues to assemble his rfle, at Scotland Yard a plain clothed police officer in the general office looks round to Greg’s office with his eyes narrowed as the D.I. speaks on the phone.) LESTRADE (into phone): Yes, sir, thank you. Bye. (On the stairwell, the assassin finishes his assembly, opens the nearby window and aims his gn out of it as John’s taxi gets closer to Bart’s.) (On the rooftop, Sherlock breathes shallowly and rapidly, holding his sleeve up over his mouth in horror as he turns to look again at Jim’s fixed grin. He thinks frantically for a while, then slowly turns towards the edge of the building. His breathing begins to slow as he steps up onto the ledge, blows out another breath and looks down towards the ground. In the street below, John’s taxi pulls up. Sherlock takes out his phone and selects a speed dial. The answering phone begins to ring below him as John gets out of the taxi and raises his phone to his ear as he trots towards the hospital.) JOHN: Hello? SHERLOCK: John. JOHN: Hey, Sherlock, you okay? SHERLOCK: Turn around and walk back the way you came now. JOHN: No, I’m coming in. SHERLOCK (frantically): Just do as I ask. Please. JOHN (turning back and looking around bewildered): Where? (Sherlock pauses for a moment as John walks along the road, then speaks urgently.) SHERLOCK: Stop there. JOHN (stopping): Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Okay, look up. I’m on the rooftop. (John turns and looks up, his face filling with horror.) JOHN: Oh God. SHERLOCK: I ... I ... I can’t come down, so we’ll ... we’ll just have to do it like this. JOHN (anxiously): What’s going on? SHERLOCK: An apology. It’s all true. JOHN: Wh-what? SHERLOCK: Everything they said about me. I invented Moriarty. (He looks around briefly at his enemy’s grinning body lying behind him. On the ground, John stares up at his friend in disbelief.) JOHN: Why are you saying this? (Sherlock turns back to look down at him. His voice breaks.) SHERLOCK: I’m a fake. JOHN: Sherlock ... SHERLOCK (his voice becoming tearful): The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade; I want you to tell Mrs Hudson, and Molly ... in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you that I created Moriarty for my own purposes. JOHN: Okay, shut up, Sherlock, shut up. The first time we met ... the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right? SHERLOCK: Nobody could be that clever. JOHN: You could. (Sherlock laughs and gazes down at his friend, a tear dripping from his chin.) SHERLOCK: I researched you. Before we met I discovered everything that I could to impress you. (He sniffs quietly.) It’s a trick. Just a magic trick. (John has his eyes closed and is shaking his head repeatedly.) JOHN: No. All right, stop it now. (He starts to walk towards the hospital entrance.) SHERLOCK (urgently): No, stay exactly where you are. Don’t move. (John stops and backs up, holding his hand up towards Sherlock in capitulation.) JOHN: All right. (Breathing rapidly, Sherlock unconsciously reaches out his own hand towards his friend.) SHERLOCK: Keep your eyes fixed on me. (His voice becomes frantic.) Please, will you do this for me? JOHN: Do what? SHERLOCK: This phone call – it’s, er ... it’s my note. It’s what people do, don’t they – leave a note? (John shakes his head, momentarily taking his phone from his ear as the stress of what he’s beginning to understand hits him, then he raises it again, his voice shaky.) JOHN: Leave a note when? SHERLOCK: Goodbye, John. JOHN (shaking his head): No. Don’t. (Sherlock gazes down at his friend for several seconds, then he lowers his arm and drops the phone onto the roof, gazing ahead of himself. John lowers his own phone and screams upwards.) JOHN: No. SHERLOCK! (Sherlock spreads his arms to either side and falls forward, plummeting towards the ground. John stares in utter horror.) JOHN: Sher... (A couple of seconds later the body impacts the ground. John’s hearing whites out as his entire body focuses on getting to Sherlock as soon as he can. Sherlock had disappeared from view towards the end of his fall because a building obstructed John’s view of him, and John now runs to the corner of the building, then slows down and stops in the middle of the road as he gets his first glimpse of the still figure lying on the wet pavement, the lower part of his body obscured by a parked lorry. Behind John, a young man on a fast pedal cycle slams into him and sends him crashing to the ground, his head hitting the asphalt hard. Groaning, he struggles to stay conscious as, nearby, people begin to run towards the body on the pavement. The lorry pulls away and a couple of medics from the hospital hurry out and start trying to prevent the onlookers from getting too close. Grimacing with pain, John rolls onto his side and looks across to the pavement where Sherlock is lying on his side with a lot of blood under his head. Slowly John hauls himself to his feet and stumbles towards him as more onlookers gather, talking excitedly about what they saw. John forces himself onwards.) JOHN (in a whisper): Sherlock, Sherlock ... (He reaches the crowd.) JOHN: I’m a doctor, let me come through. Let me come through, please. (Some of the crowd try to hold him back but he pushes through them.) JOHN: No, he’s my friend. He’s my friend. Please. (He reaches down to take hold of Sherlock’s wrist, searching for a pulse. A woman peels his fingers off as she and another person pull him away. As he reaches towards his friend again, more medics arrive with a wheeled stretcher.) JOHN (frantically): Please, let me just ... (The impact of the shock and the bang on his head begin to take effect and his knees give out. As he slumps to the floor supported by a couple of onlookers, two people gently roll Sherlock onto his back revealing his blood stained face and wide staring eyes. John groans in utter despair.) JOHN: Nggh, Jesus, no. (He tries to stand but sinks back again.) JOHN: God, no. (As the onlookers support him, four people lift Sherlock’s body onto the stretcher and then rapidly wheel it away into the hospital. John stares after it, his face blank and uncomprehending. He finally manages to get to his feet and shakes off his helpers, staring blindly in the direction that his friend’s body was taken.) (In a nearby building, a rfle sight is aimed directly at John’s head. As John continues to stand in profile to the snper, a perfect target, the assassin lifts his gn back inside the window and begins to disassemble the wapon. Packing it into his bag, he stands up and walks away.) DIOGENES CLUB. Mycroft is holding a copy of “The Sun”. Its headline screams “su1c1de OF FAKE GENIUS” and the straplines state ”SUPER-SLEUTH IS dad” and ”Fraudulent detective takes his own life”. Folding the paper and putting it down on the table beside him, he stares blankly into the distance and then folds his hands in front of his face in the prayer position. 221B. John sits in his armchair, dressed but with his feet bare and tucked together in front of him. One hand is propping up his head and he gazes into the distance, lost and alone. ELLA’S OFFICE. As the rain continues to pour down, John gazes blankly at his therapist. ELLA: There’s stuff that you wanted to say ... (John opens his mouth briefly and then closes it.) ELLA: ... but didn’t say it. JOHN (his voice breaking): Yeah. ELLA: Say it now. JOHN (tearfully): No. (He shakes his head.) Sorry. I can’t. TAXI. John and Mrs Hudson are sitting in the back of a cab as it drives into a graveyard. Mrs H is holding a bunch of flowers. Not long afterwards, they stand beside each other in front of a black marble headstone. The flowers are now resting at the base of the headstone. MRS HUDSON: There’s all the stuff, all the science equipment. I left it all in boxes. I don’t know what needs doing. I thought I’d take it to a school. (She looks at John.) MRS HUDSON: Would you ...? JOHN: I can’t go back to the flat again – not at the moment. (She takes his arm sympathetically.) JOHN: I’m angry. (He takes a deep breath through his nose, trying not to break down. She pats his arm gently.) MRS HUDSON: It’s okay, John. There’s nothing unusual in that. That’s the way he made everyone feel. (She gazes at the smooth black marble which simply bears the words SHERLOCK HOLMES.) MRS HUDSON: All the marks on my table; and the noise – fring gn at half past one in the morning! JOHN: Yeah. MRS HUDSON: Bloody specimens in my fridge. Imagine – keeping bodies where there’s food! JOHN: Yes. (He closes his eyes as she continues, her own voice breaking.) MRS HUDSON: And the fighting! Drove me up the wall with all his carryings-on! (John turns to her.) JOHN: Yeah, listen: I-I’m not actually that angry, okay? MRS HUDSON: Okay. (She turns away, pulling her arm free of his.) MRS HUDSON: I’ll leave you alone to, erm ... (her voice breaks again) ... you know. (Crying, she walks away, fishing out a tissue to blow her nose. John looks down at the grave, drawing in a deep breath. He looks back over his shoulder to see that Mrs Hudson is now out of earshot, then turns back to the grave again.) JOHN (thoughtfully): Um ... mmm. (He pulls himself together a little.) You ... you told me once that you weren’t a hero. Umm ... there were times I didn’t even think you were human, but let me tell you this: you were the best man, and the most human ... human being that I’ve ever known and no-one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, and so ... There. (He blows out a breath, whimpering slightly. Looking over his shoulder again, he walks over to the headstone and puts his fingertips onto the top of it.) JOHN: I was so alone, and I owe you so much. (He takes a tearful breath.) JOHN: Okay. (He turns and starts to walk away but only reaches the foot of the grave before he turns back again.) JOHN: No, please, there’s just one more thing, mate, one more thing: one more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don’t ... be ... (his voice breaks and fills with tears) ... d*ad. Would you do ...? Just for me, just stop it. (He gestures down at the grave.) Stop this. (He sighs and lowers his head and stands there, broken. Reflected in the smooth marble of the headstone, his figure appears to have the name SHERLOCK carved directly across his chest. He lowers his head further, covers his eyes with one hand and weeps. Finally he wipes his eyes, sniffs deeply and raises his head, coming to attention in front of his best friend. Nodding in salute to him and giving himself permission to dismiss, he turns smartly on one heel and then walks away.) Standing some distance away under a tree and obscured from view by other headstones, Sherlock Holmes watches his best friend walk across the graveyard until he disappears from view. He looks reflective for a long moment, then turns and walks away.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "02x03 - The Reichenbach Fall"}	foreverdreaming
As John Watson’s anguished cry of “Sherlock!” rings in the air, John himself approaches Sherlock Holmes’ headstone. We see brief flashback clips of Sherlock and Jim Moriarty on the rooftop of Bart’s Hospital, then of John arriving by taxi at the hospital and Sherlock standing on the roof’s edge talking to him by phone. SHERLOCK: It’s a trick. Just a magic trick. JOHN: No. All right, stop it now. (He starts to walk towards the hospital.) SHERLOCK: No, stay exactly where you are. (John backs up.) SHERLOCK: Don’t move. JOHN: All right. (They seem to hold out their hands towards each other.) SHERLOCK: Keep your eyes fixed on me. Please, will you do this for me? JOHN: Do what? SHERLOCK: This phone call – it’s ... it’s my note. (But now we’re seeing new footage. Behind Sherlock, two men are dragging the body of Jim Moriarty across the roof towards the door. Sherlock takes no notice as he continues to concentrate on John.) SHERLOCK: It’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note? JOHN: Leave a note when? SHERLOCK: Goodbye, John. JOHN: No. Don’t. (The men drag Jim’s body into a service elevator somewhere in the hospital, and lay it on the floor. As Sherlock continues to look down towards John, one of the men opens a case. Inside is a latex mask which is a perfect replica of Sherlock’s face. The other man closes the lift doors, while the first man takes a small bottle from the case and, using tweezers, carefully extracts a blue soft contact lens. On the roof, Sherlock drops his phone behind him and stares intensely ahead of himself as John screams, “Sherlock!” up at him. In the elevator, Jim’s dad open eyes are now blue instead of brown. The man takes the mask out of the case and lays it over Jim’s face, then picks up a scalpel and reaches forward to start lifting the closed eyes on the mask. The second man starts to apply a dark curly wig to Jim’s slicked-down hair. On the roof, Sherlock spreads his arms and falls forward. John stares in horror, and a man on a pushbike slams into him from behind, sending him crashing to the ground. Sherlock plummets towards the ground, but now it’s clear that he is attached to a bungee cord. While John lies on the ground still trying to catch his breath, Molly Hooper watches from a window of Bart’s as Sherlock plunges past, the bungee cord trailing behind him. He heads towards the pavement but the cord stops his fall as it reaches its full extension. Sherlock’s breath whooshes out of him ... then the elastic begins to contract and Sherlock is yanked skywards. Molly gasps as he sht back into view, flailing to change his direction and, before she can react, he wraps his arms around his head and kicks his way through the window in front of her. She cringes back from the breaking glass and Sherlock lands on his feet and unclips the bungee cord from his waist. It is whipped out of the window and disappears from view and Sherlock straightens his coat, ruffles his hands through his hair and marches over to Molly, taking her head in his hands and kissing her deeply for a couple of seconds. She reaches up to hold his head but he pulls away, giving her a long last look and then leaving the room. She watches him go with a girly smile on her face. Downstairs, the two men are dragging Jim’s body – now perfectly disguised as Sherlock’s – out onto the street, and nearby a man wearing a fur-lined hooded jacket is approaching John. The men put the body into position on the pavement and one of them squirts fake blood onto the paving stones around the head. Other people – various fake medical staff and passers-by – are running into position around the body. The jacket-wearing man walks over to John as more people run towards the scene. John gets up onto his knees, seeing the passers-by running over to the body and pointing upwards as they appear to discuss what they just saw. John gets to his feet, and the man steps into his way.) DERREN: John. (It’s none other than Derren Brown, the famous illusionist and hypnotist! [Click here for more information.] He puts his hand onto John’s shoulder.) DERREN: John. Look at me. Look at me. (John drags his eyes away from the scene of Sherlock’s fall and looks at Derren, whose face is a little fuzzy so close-up. Derren puts his fingers over John’s face.) DERREN: And sleep! (John collapses forward, his eyes closing. Derren supports him and gently lowers him to the ground.) DERREN: Right the way down, right the way deep, right the way sound asleep. That’s right. That’s good – keeping my voice just there in the centre of your head and floating all the way around you. (While he’s speaking, he reaches down to John’s wrist and adjusts his watch, turning it back a few minutes. He straightens up and looks down at John.) DERREN: And you will awaken in three, two, one ... (John starts to move on the ground.) DERREN: ... zero. (Flipping his hood up, he walks away. John rolls over onto his side, grimacing with pain. The crowd continues to gather around the body and John – unaware of the passage of time since he first was knocked over by the bike – clambers to his feet and stumbles towards the pavement. Inside the hospital, Sherlock walks towards a set of double doors. John hurries over to the crowd and tries to push his way through them, while they do all they can to hold him back.) JOHN (anguished): Let me come through, please. He’s my friend. (Sherlock half-turns as he walks, taking one last look behind him. Outside, John’s knees give out and he half-collapses, supported by some of the bystanders. Sherlock’s wrist falls limply out of John’s grasp. Paramedics arrive with a stretcher and load the body onto it as John watches in anguish. The stretcher is wheeled away; and Sherlock pushes his way through the doors and walks around the corner, disappearing from view.) LESTRADE (offscreen): Bollocks! (The dramatic action-movie music which has played all through the previous scene stops, and suddenly we’re in a different part of London. Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade and Doctor Anderson – the latter sporting a scruffy beard and with unwashed hair – are standing at a mobile coffee stall.) ANDERSON: No-no-no-no! It’s obvious! That’s how he did it! It’s obvious! LESTRADE: Derren Brown?! Let it go. Sherlock’s dad. ANDERSON: Is he? LESTRADE: There was a body. It was him. It was definitely him. Molly Hooper laid him out. ANDERSON: No, she’s lying. It was Jim Moriarty’s body with a mask on! LESTRADE: A mask?! (Anderson nods eagerly.) LESTRADE: A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown. Two years, and the theories keep getting more stupid. How many more’ve you got for me today? ANDERSON: Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area – even the exact ones that he landed on – you know they were all ... LESTRADE (interrupting): Guilt. (He looks sternly at Anderson.) That’s all this is. You pushed us all into thinking that Sherlock was a fraud, you and Donovan. (Anderson looks down sadly.) LESTRADE: You did this, and it klled him, and he’s staying dad. Do you honestly believe that if you have enough stupid theories, it’s gonna change what really happened? (Taking his cup of coffee with him, he starts to walk away.) ANDERSON: I believe in Sherlock Holmes. (Greg turns around.) LESTRADE: Yeah, well that won’t bring him back. (He continues on towards where several camera crews are filming reporters.) REPORTER 1 (into his crew’s camera): ... that after extensive police investigations, Richard Brook did indeed prove to be the creation of James Moriarty ... REPORTER 2 (into a different camera): ... amidst unprecedented scenes, there was uproar in court as Sherlock Holmes was vindicated and cleared of all suspicion ... REPORTER 3: ... but sadly, all this comes too late for the detective who became something of a celebrity two years ago ... REPORTER 1: ... Questions are now being asked as to why police let matters get so far. (Greg and Anderson are now standing side by side, each holding a coffee cup and watching the reporters.) REPORTER 2: Sherlock Holmes fell to his death from the top of London’s Bart’s Hospital. Although he left no note, friends say it’s unlikely he was able to cope with ... (Greg turns to Anderson.) LESTRADE: Well then. (He raises his cup.) Absent friends. Sherlock. ANDERSON (sadly raising his own cup): Sherlock. (They tap their mugs together.) LESTRADE: And may God rest his soul. (They drink.) At Sherlock’s grave, John gazes down at the headstone, his eyes haunted with memories and loss. Since we last saw him he has grown a moustache. As he continues to look at the grave, which has several bunches of flowers – some of them fading with age – at the base of the headstone, a woman steps to John’s side and takes his hand. He clasps it tightly. SERBIA. NIGHT TIME. A man with long straggly hair is running through a forest. Above him, a helicopter is circling around, shining a searchlight into the trees while the crew watch their infrared camera, radioing instructions in Serbian to the ground crew. There is much shouting and running which your transcriber can’t be bothered to relate second by second but eventually the soldiers surround the man and aim their rfles at him. He slumps to the ground, exhausted. Some time later, in what may be a bunker or an interrogation centre, a soldier is guarding the entrance to a room. He has earphones in his ears playing loud music. Behind the closed door, the prisoner cries out as he is struck for the umpteenth time. Hearing the noise, the soldier takes one of his ear buds out just as the prisoner is struck again and groans. The soldier puts his ear bud back in and turns away. Inside the room, the torturer shouts repeatedly at the prisoner, who is naked from the waist up and whose arms are chained to opposite walls of the small room, forcing him to stay upright. The man is slumped forward as far as he can, exhausted by the repeated blows. In a dark corner of the room another soldier, well wrapped against the cold and with a furry hat on his head, sits with his feet up on a small table and watches as the torturer paces across the room. He speaks in Serbian at all times. TORTURER (in Serbian): You broke in here for a reason. (He picks up a large metal pipe and walks towards the prisoner again, whose face we cannot see through the long straggly hair which is falling across it.) TORTURER (in Serbian): Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? (He draws back the pipe over his shoulder and prepares to strike the prisoner but the man whispers something quietly. The torturer stops, lowering the pipe and leaning forward.) TORTURER (in Serbian): What? (He reaches down and pulls the man’s head back by the hair, leaning closer as the prisoner continues to whisper. The soldier in the corner speaks ... in a voice which sounds a little familiar, although it is currently speaking with a heavy accent.) SOLDIER (in Serbian): Well? What did he say? (Straightening up and releasing the prisoner’s head, the torturer looks down at him in puzzlement.) TORTURER (in Serbian): He said that I used to work in the navy, where I had an unhappy love affair. SOLDIER (in Serbian): What? (The prisoner continues to whisper and the torturer relays his words to the other man.) TORTURER (in Serbian): ... that the electricity isn’t working in my bathroom; and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbour! (He reaches down and pulls the prisoner’s head up by the hair again, asking a one-word question. The prisoner replies briefly and the man releases his head.) TORTURER (in Serbian): The coffin maker! (Once again he bends to the prisoner, demanding more. The prisoner responds in a whisper.) TORTURER (in Serbian): And? (The prisoner continues whispering, then the torturer drops his head and relays the words to the soldier.) TORTURER (in Serbian): If I go home now, I’ll catch them at it! I knew it! I knew there was something going on! (He storms out of the room, leaving the prisoner slumped in his chains.) SOLDIER (in Serbian): So, my friend. Now it’s just you and me. (He takes his feet off the table and stands up.) SOLDIER (in Serbian): You have no idea the trouble it took to find you. (He walks across the room to the prisoner, whose back is covered in blood and wounds from his beating. The soldier grabs a handful of the prisoner’s hair and pulls his head up a little. Leaning close to the man’s ear, he speaks in English and now we know that the familiar voice is none other than that of Mycroft Holmes.) MYCROFT: Now listen to me. There’s an underground trror1st network active in London and a massive attck is imminent. Sorry, but the holiday is over, brother dear. (He releases the prisoner’s head and straightens up.) MYCROFT: Back to Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes. (Under the long hair draped across his face, Sherlock smiles.) OPENING CREDITS In an Underground station, the doors of a Tube train close and the train moves off. John sits inside. Above ground, a black car with tinted rear windows heads through the streets. The two journeys continue, while Mycroft sits in a dark-walled windowless office (although there might be a skylight letting a little daylight in) looking through paperwork. The car pulls up outside the Diogenes Club, which presumably contains this office. BAKER STREET. John walks across the road towards 221. Two young boys come around the corner, one of them pushing a pushchair in front of him in which is a home-made Guy Fawkes ‘guy’ with an orange balloon for a head, with a face drawn on with marker pen. One of them calls out the traditional plea to a passer-by. BOY: Penny for the guy? [See more about Guy Fawkes traditions here.] (The woman shakes her head as she walks past and the boys continue on, reaching John just before he gets to the front door.) BOY: Oi, mate! Penny for the guy? (John rolls his eyes.) SECOND BOY: Penny for the guy, mate? FIRST BOY: Penny for the guy? (John looks round at them quizzically as they continue onwards, calling out their plea to everyone they see. He unlocks the front door and goes inside. Partway down the hall, he stops, staring at Mrs Hudson’s front door and breathing out an anxious breath. In his head he starts to hear Sherlock’s violin playing Irene’s lament, and his head snaps up and he looks up the stairs as a snippet of an old conversation sounds inside his mind.) JOHN: That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done. SHERLOCK: And you invde Afghanistan! (John blinks, his face sad as the violin fades from his mind. Just then, Mrs Hudson opens her door and comes out, staring at John in surprise. He raises a hand in greeting, clearing his throat before walking towards her after a final glance up the stairs.) In Mycroft’s office, someone is reading the front page headline of a newspaper which reads, “SKELETON MYSTERY”. The strapline, which we can only see the beginning of, says, “Remains found in the wall of a ...” The reader folds the newspaper down to reveal Mycroft sitting behind his desk a short distance away, reading a file. MYCROFT: You have been busy, haven’t you? (We now see that it’s Sherlock who’s holding the newspaper. He is reclined flat on his back in a barber’s chair while a man is shaving his face with a cut-throat razor. Sherlock’s hair has been cut back to its normal length and is currently wet and straight. He tosses the paper onto a nearby trolley.) MYCROFT: Quite the busy little bee. (He chuckles.) SHERLOCK: Moriarty’s network – took me two years to dismantle it. MYCROFT: And you’re confident you have? SHERLOCK: The Serbian side was the last piece of the puzzle. MYCROFT: Yes. You got yourself in deep there ... (he checks his report) ... with Baron Maupertuis. Quite a scheme. SHERLOCK: Colossal. MYCROFT (shutting the file): Anyway, you’re safe now. SHERLOCK: Hmm. MYCROFT: A small ‘thank you’ wouldn’t go amiss. SHERLOCK: What for? MYCROFT: For wading in. (Sherlock raises a hand to the barber to make him stop shaving him. The man steps back a little.) MYCROFT: In case you’d forgotten, fieldwork is not my natural milieu. (Grunting in pain, Sherlock sits up and looks at his brother angrily.) SHERLOCK: “Wading in”? You sat there and watched me being beaten to a pulp. MYCROFT (frowning indignantly): I got you out. SHERLOCK: No – I got me out. Why didn’t you intervene sooner? MYCROFT: Well, I couldn’t risk giving myself away, could I? It would have ruined everything. SHERLOCK: You were enjoying it. MYCROFT: Nonsense. SHERLOCK: Definitely enjoying it. MYCROFT (leaning forward): Listen: do you have any idea what it was like, Sherlock, going ‘under cover’, smuggling my way into their ranks like that? The noise; the people? (He sits back. Sherlock painfully sinks back to lie down in the chair again. The barber resumes his work.) SHERLOCK: I didn’t know you spoke Serbian. MYCROFT: I didn’t, but the language has a Slavic root, frequent Turkish and German loan words. (He shrugs.) Took me a couple of hours. SHERLOCK: Hmm – you’re slipping. MYCROFT (smiling tightly): Middle age, brother mine. Comes to us all. (The door opens and Anthea – or not-Anthea, who we last saw in “A Study in Pink” – holds up a dark suit and white shirt on a hanger to show to Sherlock.) 221A BAKER STREET. John is sitting at Mrs Hudson’s kitchen table. She loudly slams down a small tray containing a cup and saucer and a jug of milk, then goes across the room to pick up a plate of biscuits, which she equally loudly slams down onto the table. John watches her silently while she picks up a sugar bowl and thumps that onto the table. She hesitates, then points at the sugar bowl. MRS HUDSON: Oh no – you don’t take it, do you? JOHN: No. MRS HUDSON: You forget a little thing like that. JOHN: Yes. MRS HUDSON (pointedly): You forget lots of little things, it seems. JOHN: Uh-huh. (Mrs H pointedly runs her finger between her nose and her upper lip while looking at John.) MRS HUDSON: Not sure about that. (John reaches up to touch his moustache.) MRS HUDSON: Ages you. JOHN: Just trying it out. MRS HUDSON: Well, it ages you. (John looks awkwardly at her.) JOHN: Look ... MRS HUDSON: I’m not your mother. I’ve no right to expect it ... JOHN: No ... MRS HUDSON: ... but just one phone call, John. (Her anger dissipates and she looks upset.) MRS HUDSON: Just one phone call would have done. JOHN: I know. (He looks down.) MRS HUDSON: After all we went through. JOHN (looking her in the eye): Yes. I am sorry. MRS HUDSON (sitting down at the table): Look, I understand how difficult it was for you after ... after ... (She stops, shaking her head sadly.) JOHN: I just let it slide, Mrs Hudson. I let it all slide. And it just got harder and harder to pick up the phone somehow. (Sighing, he looks away for a moment, then turns his eyes back to hers.) JOHN: D’you know what I mean? (After a moment, Mrs Hudson sighs too and reaches out to put her hand on his arm. He immediately puts his hand over hers.) MYCROFT’S OFFICE. Sherlock’s hair is now dry and curly, and he is on his feet and almost dressed. He tucks his shirt into his trousers while he looks at himself in a large mirror on the wall. Mycroft and not-Anthea stand nearby. MYCROFT: I need you to give this matter your full attention, Sherlock. Is that quite clear? SHERLOCK: What do you think of this shirt? MYCROFT (exasperated): Sherlock! SHERLOCK: I will find your underground terror cell, Mycroft. (He briefly looks at his brother.) SHERLOCK: Just put me back in London. I need to get to know the place again, breathe it in – feel every quiver of its beating heart. NOT-ANTHEA: One of our men died getting this information. All the chatter, all the traffic, concurs there’s going to be a terror strike on London – a big one. SHERLOCK (putting his jacket on): And what about John Watson? (Anthea throws an exasperated glance towards Mycroft.) MYCROFT: John? SHERLOCK: Mmm. Have you seen him? MYCROFT: Oh, yes – we meet up every Friday for fish and chips(!) (He gestures to Anthea, who hands Sherlock a folder.) MYCROFT: I’ve kept a weather eye on him, of course. (Sherlock opens the file. There are two black and white surveillance photos of John and a report.) MYCROFT: You haven’t been in touch at all, to prepare him? SHERLOCK (distractedly): No. (He looks at the picture of John with his new moustache.) SHERLOCK: Well, we’ll have to get rid of that. MYCROFT: “We”? SHERLOCK: He looks ancient. I can’t be seen to be wandering around with an old man. (He closes the file and drops it onto the desk.) 221B. John has gone upstairs and opens the door to the living room. He stands in the doorway, looking into the room. It’s quite dark because the curtains are closed, but lots of dust is floating around, illuminated by the few shafts of light coming into the room. John continues to stand still, looking towards Sherlock’s chair by the fireside. Mrs Hudson comes in and switches the lights on. MRS HUDSON: I couldn’t face letting it out. (She walks across to the right-hand window and pulls the curtains back, coughing at the dust.) MRS HUDSON: He never liked me dusting. JOHN (turning to look into the kitchen): No, I know. (Mrs Hudson goes across the room to open the other curtains.) MRS HUDSON: So, why now? What changed your mind? (Drawing in a deep breath, John turns back to face her.) JOHN: Well, I’ve got some news. (Mrs H turns to him and her face fills with horror.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, God. Is it serious? JOHN: What? No – no, I’m not ill. I’ve, er, well, I’m ... moving on. MRS HUDSON (sadly): You’re emigrating. JOHN: Nope. Er, no – I’ve, er ... I’ve met someone. (Mrs Hudson giggles with delight. Clapping her hands, she walks towards him smiling happily.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, lovely! JOHN (smiling): Yeah. We’re getting married ... well, I’m gonna ask, anyway. MRS HUDSON (looking more doubtful): So soon after Sherlock? JOHN: Well, yes. (Mrs H looks away thoughtfully for a moment, then smiles at John.) MRS HUDSON: What’s his name? JOHN (letting out a huge exasperated sigh): It’s a woman. MRS HUDSON: A woman?! JOHN: Yes, of course it’s a woman. (Mrs H laughs in surprise.) MRS HUDSON: You really have moved on, haven’t you? JOHN: Mrs Hudson! How many times ...? Sherlock was not my boyfriend. MRS HUDSON (smiling affectionately): Live and let live – that’s my motto. JOHN (slowly getting louder): Listen to me: I am not gay! MYCROFT’S OFFICE. SHERLOCK: I think I’ll surprise John. He’ll be delighted! MYCROFT (smiling cynically): You think so? SHERLOCK: Hmm. I’ll pop into Baker Street. Who knows – jump out of a cake. MYCROFT (frowning): Baker Street? He isn’t there any more. (Sherlock looks surprised.) MYCROFT: Why would he be? It’s been two years. He’s got on with his life. SHERLOCK: What life? I’ve been away. (Mycroft pretty much rolls his eyes without actually rolling them.) SHERLOCK: Where’s he going to be tonight? MYCROFT: How would I know? SHERLOCK: You always know. MYCROFT: He has a dinner reservation in the Marylebone Road. Nice little spot. They have a few bottles of the 2000 Saint-Emilion ... though I prefer the 2001. SHERLOCK: I think maybe I’ll just drop by. MYCROFT: You know, it is just possible that you won’t be welcome. SHERLOCK: No it isn’t. Now, where is it? MYCROFT: Where’s what? SHERLOCK: You know what. (Anthea also knows what, because she immediately appears in the open doorway holding Sherlock’s Belstaff coat. Sherlock smiles with delight, and slides his arms into the sleeves as Anthea lifts it into position. She has even already popped the collar for him.) ANTHEA: Welcome back, Mr Holmes. SHERLOCK (pulling the collar tips into a better position): Thank you ... (He turns to face his brother.) SHERLOCK (sarcastically): ... blud. [See urban dictionary definition of ‘blud’ here. Also see some of the Comments below (here) for an alternative possibility.] Later, Sherlock stands on a rooftop or a balcony of a tall building and gazes over his favourite city. EVENING. THE LANDMARK HOTEL, MARYLEBONE ROAD. Sherlock approaches the door to the restaurant, handing his Belstaff to a member of staff. Waiters open the doors for him and he walks in. The maître d’ steps forward. MAITRE D’: Sir, may I help you? (Having only glanced briefly at him, Sherlock has gone into full-blown deduction mode, seeming to hear a woman crying out in pain: Expectant Father The man’s phone beeps a text alert.) SHERLOCK: Your wife just texted you. Possibly her contractions have started. (The man fishes his phone out of his pocket, looks at the screen and hurries away. Sherlock smiles smugly to himself. Nearby, John is sitting alone at a table, checking the inside pocket of his jacket before taking a drink from a glass of water. Sherlock looks across the room at him, then hesitates. A waitress picks up some menus from the bar and walks across in front of him.) WAITRESS: ’Scuse me, sir. (Sherlock’s attention is drawn to the bowtie she is wearing as part of her uniform. He looks to a nearby table where a couple are sitting. There is a glass of red wine and a glass of water to the man’s left. The man has his back to the door but Sherlock can see him reflected in the water glass. As John picks up the wine list and starts looking at it, Sherlock smiles to himself again and walks over to the side of the other couple’s table where he picks up the glass of water and pours it down the man’s front. The man – wearing a white shirt, black jacket and a bowtie – recoils and cries out in shock.) SHERLOCK: Sorry! I’m so, so sorry! (The man lifts his napkin from his lap and starts mopping himself with it. Sherlock steps behind him, pulling the napkin higher up the man’s chest.) SHERLOCK: Please, let me just go to the kitchen and, er, dry that off for you. (With one smooth tug, he pulls off the man’s bowtie and walks away, tying the bowtie around his own neck. Continuing across the restaurant, he sees a man at another table taking off his glasses and putting them down on top of the menu he has just been reading. Sherlock walks to his side.) SHERLOCK: Finished with that, sir? Allow me to take it for you. (Not paying much attention, the man waves him away. Sherlock picks up the menu and the glasses and walks away, putting on the glasses as he goes. At a nearby table, a woman’s small handbag is open beside her. Sherlock sees that there is an eyeliner on the top. He steps close behind her, offering her the menu he’s holding with his right hand while simultaneously taking the menu she is holding with his left hand.) SHERLOCK: Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu? It’s, er, completely identical. (She automatically takes the menu from his right hand and he instantly pinches the eyeliner from her bag and steps away, turning his back to the bulk of the restaurant and lifting the eyeliner towards his face. When he turns back, he has drawn a small pencil moustache on his top lip. He steps over to John’s table, standing to his left and one step behind him. He addresses John in a French accent.) SHERLOCK: Can I ’elp you with anything, sir? JOHN (not looking round at him): Hi, yeah. I’m looking for a bottle of champagne – a good one. SHERLOCK (leaning closer): Mmm! Well, these are all excellent vintages. JOHN: Er, it’s not really my area. What do you suggest? SHERLOCK (his French accent becoming a little Captain du Creff-esque): Well, you cannot possibly go wrong, but, erm, if you’d like my personal recommendation ... JOHN: Mm-hmm. SHERLOCK (French accent) (gesturing at the list with his eyeliner pencil): ... this last one on the list is a favourite of mine. (John nods, still not looking up at him.) SHERLOCK (French accent) (straightening up): It is – you might, in fact, say – like a face from ze past. (He takes off his glasses and waits expectantly. John still doesn’t look round.) JOHN: Great. I’ll have that one, please. (He finishes his glass of red wine. Sherlock looks startled that John hasn’t recognised him yet.) SHERLOCK (French accent): It is familiar, but, er, with the quality of surprise! (He almost lapses into his own voice on the final word and he gestures grandly. John grimaces at the taste of his wine, then – still without looking round – hands the wine list to the man he thinks is the wine waiter.) JOHN: Well, er, surprise me. SHERLOCK (tetchily, in pretty much his own voice): Certainly endeavouring to, sir. (He walks away. John reaches into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a small red velvet box. Opening it, he looks at the three-stone diamond ring inside, then closes the box and puts it on the table in front of him. Nearby, a woman walks down the stairs. John fidgets with the box, turning it this way and that in an attempt to make it look perfectly placed. He blows out a nervous breath as his dinner date, Mary Morstan, rejoins him, patting his shoulder before walking round to her own seat.) MARY: Sorry that took so long. (John snatches the box off the table and shoves it back into his pocket. She sits down and smiles at him.) MARY: You okay? JOHN: Yeah, yeah. Me? Fine. I am fine. (She smiles sweetly. John chuckles and gazes at her with a delighted look on his face.) MARY: Now then, what did you want to ask me? (John’s smile fades and he looks nervous.) JOHN: More wine? MARY: No, I’m good with water, thanks. JOHN: Right. (He briefly looks away.) MARY: So ... JOHN: Er, so ... Mary. Listen, erm ... I know it hasn’t been long ... I mean, I know we haven’t known each other for a long time ... (He looks down, clearly struggling.) MARY (encouragingly): Go on. JOHN: Yes, I will. As you know, these last couple of years haven’t been easy for me; and meeting you ... (He looks at her for a moment, then nods.) JOHN: Yeah, meeting you has been the best thing that could have possibly happened. MARY: I agree. JOHN: What? MARY (smiling): I agree I’m the best thing that could have happened to you. (John laughs. Mary screws up her nose apologetically.) MARY: Sorry. JOHN: Well, no. That’s, um ... (He pauses, then looks at her.) JOHN: So ... if you’ll have me, Mary, could you see your way, um ... (She giggles. He clears his throat.) JOHN: ... if you could see your way to ... (Just as he’s about to go for it, Sherlock glides over to the table, still with the glasses, the ridiculous fake moustache and the ridiculous fake accent, but now with the added bonus of a bottle of champagne which he shows to John.) SHERLOCK (French accent): Sir, I think you’ll find this vintage exceptionally to your liking. (Mary shields her face with her hand so that the ‘waiter’ can’t see her as she giggles silently at John.) SHERLOCK (French accent): It has all the qualities of the old, with some of the colour of the new. JOHN (his eyes locked on Mary’s): No, sorry, not now, please. SHERLOCK (French accent): Like a gaze from a crowd of strangers ... (Mary pulls a face at John.) SHERLOCK (French accent): ... suddenly one is aware of staring into ze face of an old friend. (He takes off his glasses.) JOHN: No, look, seriously ... (he finally lifts his gaze to meet the waiter’s eyes) ... could you just ... (His face drops. His entire body jolts and he stares with an expression of utter disbelief.) SHERLOCK (in his normal accent): Interesting thing, a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends, and anonymity to waiters. (John turns his head towards Mary, then his eyes fill with tears as he ducks his head momentarily before he stumbles clumsily to his feet.) MARY (concerned): John? (As John straightens up, Sherlock begins to move his right hand forward as if expecting John to shake it. John looks down at the table breathing heavily before lifting his head and briefly locking eyes with him.) MARY (worried): John, what is it? What? (John looks down again, clearly still in shock.) SHERLOCK (a little awkwardly): Well, short version ... (John raises his eyes to him again.) SHERLOCK: ... Not dad. (John stares at him, his face full of pain, shock and growing anger. Sherlock finally seems to catch on and looks a little guilty.) SHERLOCK: Bit mean, springing it on you like that, I know. Could have given you a heart attck, probably still will. But in my defence, it was very funny. (He laughs nervously, not meeting John’s eyes, which is probably for the best because John’s gaze is slowly turning mrder.) SHERLOCK: Okay, it’s not a great defence. MARY: Oh no! You’re ... SHERLOCK (glancing towards her): Oh yes. MARY (shocked): Oh, my God. SHERLOCK: Not quite. MARY: You died. You jumped off a roof. SHERLOCK: No. MARY (appalled): You’re dad! SHERLOCK: No. I’m quite sure. I checked. Excuse me. (Picking up a napkin from the table, he dips it into Mary’s glass of water and then starts to rub off his moustache.) SHERLOCK (trying to sound nonchalant as he meets John’s furious gaze): Does, er, does yours rub off, too? (The tight smile which John directs at him bears absolutely no humour at all. Mary’s anger is clear in her voice as she speaks.) MARY: Oh my God, oh my God. Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him? SHERLOCK (looking down nervously): Okay, John, I’m suddenly realising I probably owe you some sort of an apology. (Clenching his left fist, John slams it down onto the table. It’s a credit to the manufacturers of the table that he doesn’t shatter it. He hunches over his fist.) MARY: All right, just ... John? Just keep ... (John pulls in a deep shaky breath before looking up at Sherlock.) JOHN (in a whisper): Two years. (He shakes his head, dragging in another long breath and blwing it out again before starting to straighten up.) JOHN (still in a tight whisper): Two years. (He moans and slumps down over his hands again. Sherlock has the decency to look awkward. John glances up at him momentarily.) JOHN: I thought ... (He groans, unable to continue and gesturing helplessly. Mary stares at him in sympathy. John finally straightens and turns to Sherlock.) JOHN: I thought ... you were dad. (His face begins to fill with anger again.) Hmm? (He breathes rapidly and shallowly.) JOHN: Now, you let me grieve, hmm? How could you do that? (Sherlock looks down, biting his lip.) JOHN (softly but furiously): How? SHERLOCK (as John’s breathing becomes more intense): Wait – before you do anything that you might regret ... (John half-groans again.) SHERLOCK: ... um, one question. Just let me ask one question. Um ... (John looks at him, his eyes still full of fury.) SHERLOCK (almost giggling as he gestures towards his own top lip): Are you really gonna keep that?! (He grins as he turns his head to look at Mary. She laughs in disbelief. John draws in one more long breath, then hurls himself at Sherlock, grabbing his lapels and bundling him back across the floor until Sherlock loses his footing and they both fall to the floor, John on top of Sherlock and trying to throttle him. Mary and various waiters run to pull John off.) LATER. The three of them have presumably been thrown out of the restaurant and have relocated to a café. Sherlock sits on one side of a table wearing his coat, his fingers steepled in front of him. John and Mary sit side by side opposite him, their arms folded. SHERLOCK: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I’d invited Moriarty onto the roof. (Flashbacks of Sherlock on the rooftop of Bart’s intersperse the following dialogue.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): I wanted to avoid dying if at all possible. (Sherlock rapidly looks around the roof and all the surrounding buildings, calculating trajectories, angles and even the possibility of a ladder being lowered from a helicopter.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with washing bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling ... JOHN (interrupting): You know, for a genius you can be remarkably thick. SHERLOCK: What? JOHN (tightly): I don’t care how you faked it, Sherlock. I wanna know why. SHERLOCK (bewildered): Why? Because Moriarty had to be stopped. (He looks at John’s expression.) SHERLOCK: Oh. ‘Why’ as in ... (He lifts a finger, pointing it in John’s direction. John nods.) SHERLOCK: I see. Yes. ‘Why?’ That’s a little more difficult to explain. JOHN (darkly): I’ve got all night. SHERLOCK (clearing his throat and looking down): Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft’s idea. JOHN: Oh, so it’s your brother’s plan? MARY (pointing towards Sherlock): Oh, he would have needed a confidant ... SHERLOCK: Mm-hm. (Mary trails off at John’s look.) MARY: Sorry. (She refolds her arms and looks down. John turns back to Sherlock.) JOHN: But he was the only one? The only one who knew? (Sherlock closes his eyes briefly and seems to force the next sentence out.) SHERLOCK: Couple of others. (John lowers his head. Sherlock talks quickly.) SHERLOCK: It was a very elaborate plan – it had to be. The next of the thirteen possibilities ... JOHN (in a despairing whisper): Who else? (He looks up to Sherlock.) JOHN: Who else knew? (Sherlock hesitates.) JOHN: Who? SHERLOCK: Molly. JOHN (angrily): Molly? MARY (softly): John. SHERLOCK: Molly Hooper – and some of my homeless network, and that’s all. JOHN: Okay. (He sits up a little and glances round at Mary, who gives him a sympathetic smile. He turns to Sherlock again.) Okay. So just your brother, and Molly Hooper, and a hundred tramps. (Sherlock chuckles.) SHERLOCK: No! Twenty-five at most. (John hurls himself across the table and attempts to throttle his old friend again.) LATER. The three of them have presumably been thrown out of the café and have relocated to a kebab shop. John and Mary stand leaning with their backs against the counter. John apparently managed more than just an attempted throttling, because Sherlock has taken his coat off and is holding a paper napkin to a cut on his lower lip. He looks at the blood on the napkin, wincing, then presses it to his lip again. He looks at John as he raises his head, avoiding Sherlock’s gaze. SHERLOCK: Seriously, it’s not a joke? (He gestures to his own top lip.) You’re-you’re really keeping this? (John clears his throat and meets Sherlock’s eyes.) JOHN: Yeah. SHERLOCK: You’re sure? JOHN: Mary likes it. SHERLOCK: Mmmmmm, no she doesn’t. JOHN: She does. SHERLOCK: She doesn’t. (John glances briefly round at Mary, then does a double-take. She makes incoherent apologetic noises.) JOHN: Oh! (He tries to cover his moustache with his hand.) Brilliant. MARY: I’m sorry. Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t know how to tell you. JOHN: No, no, this is charming(!) (He points angrily at Sherlock, clearly referring to his talent of instant deduction.) JOHN: I’ve really missed this(!) (He looks down, then takes an aggressive step towards Sherlock and gets into his face.) JOHN: One Word, Sherlock. That is all I would have needed. One word to let me know that you were alive. (He steps back, breathing heavily.) SHERLOCK (quietly): I’ve nearly been in contact so many times, but ... (John laughs disbelievingly.) SHERLOCK: ... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: Well, you know, let the cat out of the bag. JOHN (stepping closer again): Oh, so this is my fault?! (Mary laughs with disbelief.) MARY: Oh, God! JOHN (shouting angrily): Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong – the only one reacting like a human being?! SHERLOCK: Over-reacting. JOHN (furiously): “Over-reacting”?! MARY: John! JOHN (still shouting): “Over-reacting.” So you fake your own death ... SHERLOCK: Shh! JOHN: ... and you waltz in ’ere large as bloody life ... SHERLOCK: Shh! JOHN (initially more quietly): ... but I’m not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it’s a perfectly OKAY THING TO DO! SHERLOCK (shouting): Shut up, John! I don’t want everyone knowing I’m still alive! JOHN (shouting): Oh, so it’s still a secret, is it? SHERLOCK (loudly): Yes! It’s still a secret. (He looks round at the other customers in the shop.) SHERLOCK (casually): Promise you won’t tell anyone. JOHN (angrily, sarcastically): Swear to God! (Finally he looks round at the other customers and backs down a little, blwing out a long breath. Sherlock steps closer to him and speaks quietly.) SHERLOCK: London is in danger, John. There’s an imminent trror1st attck and I need your help. (John stares at him in amazement, then turns to throw a quirky ‘can you believe this guy?!’ look at Mary. He turns back to Sherlock.) JOHN: My help? (Sherlock’s eyes narrow as he deduces John’s genuine reaction to his request, then he smiles.) SHERLOCK: You have missed this. Admit it. The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins, just the two of us against the rest of the world ... (John grabs his lapels, rears his head back and then moves in for the kll.) LATER. The three of them have presumably been thrown out of the kebab shop. Sherlock stands just outside the door with his head tilted back a little. Blood is running from his nose. SHERLOCK: I don’t understand. (He pinches the bridge of his nose with one hand and holds a paper napkin underneath.) SHERLOCK: I said I’m sorry. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? (Mary is standing beside him, while John is a few yards up the road hailing a taxi.) MARY: Gosh. You don’t know anything about human nature, do you? (Sherlock lowers his head and looks at her.) SHERLOCK: Mmm, nature? No. Human? ... No. MARY: I’ll talk him round. (Sherlock takes the napkin from under his nose and looks at her curiously.) SHERLOCK: You will? MARY (smiling confidently): Oh yeah. (Sherlock looks at her closely and goes into deduction mode. Many, many words appear in his mind, some of them repeated several times. They include, in no particular order: only child linguist Clever part time nurse Shortsighted Guardian Bakes Own Bread Disillusioned Cat Lover Romantic Appendix Scar Lib Dem Secret Tattoo Size 12 Liar She smiles at him, then looks round as John calls to her.) JOHN: Mary. (She turns to give Sherlock a last smile, then walks over to John. They get into the taxi and drive away. Sherlock watches them go. In the taxi John indignantly turns to Mary.) JOHN: Can you believe his nerve? (Smiling, Mary turns to him.) MARY: I like him. JOHN: What? MARY (shrugging and still smiling): I like him. (She turns away and looks out of the window. John narrows his eyes, looking completely bewildered. Back at the kebab shop, Sherlock looks down thoughtfully, then turns and walks away.) ST BARTHOLOMEW’S HOSPITAL. Molly Hooper walks into a locker room, takes out her keys and opens her locker. As the door swings open, the mirror on the inside reveals Sherlock standing behind her. She gasps and turns to look at him. In an underground car park, Greg Lestrade walks across the area searching his pockets as he goes. Behind him, Sherlock walks past. Unaware of this, Greg continues rummaging in various pockets. Something metallic clinks noisily a little way away. Greg looks around but can see nothing and resumes his search until he finally finds what he was looking for. Tipping a cigarette out of the pack, he sticks it into his mouth, puts the rest of the pack back into his pocket and then flicks his lighter and raises it towards the end of the cigarette. SHERLOCK’s VOICE (in the darkness): Those things’ll kll you. (Greg freezes, the flame not quite reaching the end of his cigarette as he stares into the distance while his brain catches up with what – and who – he just heard. Finally he lowers his lighter and takes his fg out of his mouth.) LESTRADE: Ooh, you bastard! SHERLOCK (walking towards him out of the darkness): It’s time to come back. You’ve been letting things slide, Graham. LESTRADE: Greg! SHERLOCK: Greg. (Greg stares at him for a long moment, his lips slowly lifting to reveal his teeth. Grimacing, he lunges towards Sherlock ... and wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him into a tight hug. Sherlock groans – quite possibly because the hug, while adorable for us to look at, is doing no good to his recent injuries acquired in Serbia – but he tolerates Greg’s affection.) John and Mary are in bed. Mary is asleep, but John stares up at the ceiling, lost in thought. 221A BAKER STREET. Mrs Hudson is in the kitchen washing up a pan. The radio is on. RADIO: ... with an anti-terrorism bill this important, the government feels duty-bound to push through the legislation with all due expe... (Hearing the main front door being opened, she turns down the volume and goes to her front door and opens it, brandishing the pan in front of her. The front door closes, and a familiar silhouette appears behind the frosted window of the internal door. Mrs Hudson stares at it in disbelief – and then Sherlock pushes the door open and looks at her. She screams hysterically.) FLASHBACK to the end of “The Reichenbach Fall”. John gets out of the taxi and heads towards the hospital. Cut to partway through his phone conversation with Sherlock when John tries again to go towards the hospital. SHERLOCK (over phone): No, stay exactly where you are. JOHN (into phone): Where are you? SHERLOCK: Don’t move. Keep your eyes fixed on me. (On the rooftop’s edge, a dummy has been dressed in replicas of Sherlock’s coat and scarf. It’s wearing a curly dark wig and a life-sized photo of Sherlock’s face has been stuck on the front of the head. One hand is raised to hold a phone.) JOHN’s VOICE (over phone): What-what’s happening? What’s going on? (A few feet behind the dummy, Sherlock is sitting on the roof with his back against a low chimney. Jim Moriarty is sitting beside him. Sherlock is holding a rope to keep the dummy upright. He speaks tearfully into another phone.) SHERLOCK: Please, will you do this for me? Please. JOHN: Do what? SHERLOCK: This phone call – it’s my note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note. (Beside him, Jim lowers his head and giggles quietly. Sherlock takes the phone away from his mouth and angrily but silently shushes him.) JOHN’s VOICE (over phone): Leave a note when? SHERLOCK (raising the phone to his mouth again): Goodbye, John. JOHN’s VOICE (over phone): No ... (Switching the phone off, Sherlock flicks the rope and the dummy topples over the edge of the roof. Jim chuckles, and John’s horrified voice can be heard screaming from ground level.) JOHN: Sherlock! JIM: Oh-ho! (He and Sherlock both laugh as if delighted that their plan has worked. They turn and look at each other, and their smiles slowly fade. Sherlock frowns a little, looking puzzled, but Jim waits patiently for him to catch up. After a moment they begin to lean towards each other. Their mouths are just about to touch when ... ANDERSON (horrified): What?! Are you out of your mind?! (He is standing and staring down at a dark-haired young woman sitting in his living room. She shrugs.) LAURA: I don’t see why not. It’s just as plausible as some of your theories. (Behind her, the walls of the room are absolutely covered with notes, photographs and Post It notes. Pieces of red string link some of the paperwork together, some of the strings even crossing the room. Laura is not the only person in the room with Anderson – six or seven others are squeezed onto the furniture. At least three of them are wearing deerstalker hats, and one is wearing a Sherlock-like coat and scarf.) ANDERSON: Look, if you’re not going to take it seriously, Laura, you can ... (He makes a ‘get out’ gesture.) LAURA (angrily): I do take it seriously. (She looks disapprovingly around at the others.) I don’t think we should wear hats. ANDERSON: I founded ‘The Empty Hearse’ so like-minded people could meet, discuss theories ... (He chokes on his words and steps closer to Laura, looking down at her angrily.) ANDERSON: Sherlock’s still out there. (Laura rolls her eyes.) ANDERSON: I’m convinced of it. (Behind him, the TV’s sound is muted but a reporter talking live from somewhere in London is bringing some breaking news. The rolling headline announces, “HAT DETECTIVE ALIVE”. Underneath, a separate headline states, “Magnussen summoned before parliamentary ...” and presumably the next word is “commission” but nobody is paying attention to that news.) LAURA: Oh my God. (Instantly everyone’s phones begin to signal text alerts. Everybody scrabbles in their pockets. Laura holds up her own phone to show Anderson, her face alight with excitement.) LAURA: Oh. My. God! (On the phones, Twitter is alive with hashtags like #SherlockHolmesAlive! and #SherlockIsNotDead, and #SherlockLives, and more messages stream in by the second.) Sitting up in bed, Mary is holding an iPad and reading aloud from one of John’s old blog entries. MARY (narrating dramatically): “His movements were so silent. So furtive, he reminded me of a trained bloodhound picking out a scent.” JOHN (offscreen a short distance away): You what? MARY: “I couldn’t help thinking what an amazing criminal he’d make if he turned his talents against the law.” (John comes out of the small ensuite bathroom, his lower face and upper lip covered in shaving foam.) JOHN: Don’t read that. MARY (still looking at the screen): The famous blog, finally! JOHN: Come on – that’s ... MARY: ... ancient history, yes, I know. But it’s not, though, is it, because he’s ... (She raises her eyes from the iPad and stops as she sees John.) MARY (smiling): What are you doing?! JOHN: Having a wash. MARY (grinning): You’re shaving it off. JOHN: Well, you hate it. MARY: Sherlock hates it. JOHN: Apparently everyone hates it. (Mary giggles.) MARY: Are you gonna see him again? JOHN: No – I’m going to work. MARY: Oh. And after work, are you gonna see him again? (Rolling his eyes, John walks back into the bathroom.) MARY: Cor, I dunno – six months of bristly kisses for me, and then His Nibs turns up ... JOHN (looking into the mirror as he applies more shaving foam): I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes. MARY: Oh! You should put that on a T-shirt! JOHN: Shut up. MARY (cheekily): Or what? JOHN: Or I’ll marry you. (He turns to look at her. She grins. Rinsing off his hands, John picks up his razor, looks into the mirror, sighs, and lifts the razor towards his upper lip.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): London. It’s like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. (In the living room of 221B, Sherlock – wearing a red dressing gown over his clothes – has been peering at the wall behind the sofa, and now he steps onto the sofa and begins to stick up maps, notes and paperwork.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Sometimes it’s not a question of ‘Who?’; it’s a question of ‘Who Knows?’ (Somewhere in London a man in his twenties or thirties with a shaved head is sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): If this man cancels his papers ... (Near the bench, a woman – presumably one of Sherlock’s Homeless Network – takes photos of the man on her phone.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... I need to know. (Keeping a wary eye on the man, the homeless woman sends her photos to Sherlock, and he pins one of them onto the wall. Elsewhere, a woman with a dog on a lead walks through a street market.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. (Another homeless woman photographs the dog owner and texts it to Sherlock, who again pins the photo onto the wall. He continues sticking up pictures of people and adding crosses and other marks to the pictures and the map underneath it.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): There are certain people – they are markers. If they start to move, I’ll know something’s up – like rats deserting a sinking ship. John, now moustache-free, approaches and goes into the surgery in which he works. 221B. LIVING ROOM. MYCROFT: All very interesting, Sherlock, but the terror alert has been raised to Critical. (The brothers are sitting opposite each other in front of the unlit fre, Sherlock still in his dressing gown. We can see a chess set between them. Sherlock sits back from making a move, his eyes locked onto Mycroft’s.) SHERLOCK: Boring. Your move. MYCROFT: We have solid information. An attck is coming. (He glances down to make his move.) SHERLOCK: “Solid information.” A secret trror1st organisation’s planning an attck – that’s what secret trror1st organisations do, isn’t it? It’s their version of golf. MYCROFT: An agent gave his life to tell us that. SHERLOCK: Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn’t have done. He was obviously just trying to show off. (Mycroft appears to hold back a sigh.) MYCROFT: None of these markers of yours is behaving in any way suspiciously? (He glances down again and makes a move.) Your move. SHERLOCK: No, Mycroft, but you have to trust me. I’ll find the answer. It’ll be in an odd phrase in an online blog, or an unexpected trip to the countryside, or a misplaced Lonely Hearts ad. (He had only glanced down briefly before speaking, but out of view there’s a slight click as he moves his piece.) SHERLOCK: Your move. (Mycroft glances down briefly before raising his eyes to Sherlock’s again.) MYCROFT: I’ve given the Prime Minister my personal assurance you’re on the case. SHERLOCK: I am on the case. We’re both on the case. Look at us right now. (On the table in between them, there’s a loud buzzing and a red light flashes.) MYCROFT: Oh, bugger! (He angrily drops the small tweezers he was using in their game of “Operation”. [More details about the game here if you need them.] We realise that a clever perspective sht had lured us into believing they were playing chess, but the chess set is actually on the coffee table in front of the sofa.) SHERLOCK: Oopsie! (Mycroft returns the piece to the board.) SHERLOCK (looking at which piece Mycroft had failed to remove successfully): Can’t handle a broken heart – how very telling. (Looking smug, he sits back in his chair and crosses his legs.) MYCROFT: Don’t be smart. SHERLOCK: That takes me back. (In a little boy’s voice) “Don’t be smart, Sherlock. I’m the smart one.” MYCROFT (glowering at him): I am the smart one. (Sherlock looks off to the side reflectively.) SHERLOCK: I used to think I was an idiot. MYCROFT: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on ’til we met other children. SHERLOCK: Oh, yes. That was a mistake. MYCROFT: Ghastly. What were they thinking of? SHERLOCK: Probably something about trying to make friends. MYCROFT: Oh yes. Friends. Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now. SHERLOCK (looking at him closely): And you don’t? Ever? MYCROFT: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I’m living in a world of goldfish. (Sherlock steeples his fingers in front of him and looks at his brother.) SHERLOCK: Yes, but I’ve been away for two years. MYCROFT: So? SHERLOCK (shrugging): Oh, I don’t know. I thought perhaps you might have found yourself a ... goldfish. MYCROFT (looking appalled): Change the subject – now! (He stands up and walks over to the fireplace.) SHERLOCK: Rest assured, Mycroft – whatever this underground network of yours is up to, the secret will reside in something seemingly insignificant or bizarre. (Mrs Hudson, carrying a tray of tea things, walks into the room with her traditional “Ooh-hoo!”) MYCROFT: Speaking of which ... (Sherlock smiles.) MRS HUDSON (happily, putting the tray on the dining table): I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it! Him – sitting in his chair again! (She looks at Mycroft.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, isn’t it wonderful, Mr Holmes? MYCROFT: I can barely contain myself(!) SHERLOCK: Oh, he really can, you know. MRS HUDSON: He’s secretly pleased to see you underneath all that ... (she pulls a sour face). MYCROFT: Sorry – which of us? MRS HUDSON: Both of you. (She leaves the room.) SHERLOCK: Let’s play something different. MYCROFT (with an exasperated sigh): Why are we playing games? SHERLOCK: Well, London’s terror alert has been raised to Critical. (He flails his legs over the table in front of him and stands up.) I’m just passing the time. Let’s do deductions. (He walks over to the dining table and picks up a woollen bobble hat with earflaps [It’s an ear hat, John!] and dangly pom poms hanging from each flap.) SHERLOCK: Client left this while I was out. What d’you reckon? (He tosses it to his brother.) MYCROFT (catching it): I’m busy. SHERLOCK: Oh, go on. It’s been an age. (Mycroft lifts the hat to his nose and sniffs, then looks across to Sherlock.) MYCROFT: I always win. SHERLOCK: Which is why you can’t resist. MYCROFT (quick-fre): I find nothing irresistible in the hat of a well-travelled anxious sentimental unfit creature of habit with appalling halitosis ... (He stops as he notices Sherlock’s widening smile.) MYCROFT: Damn. (He throws the hat back to Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: Isolated, too, don’t you think? MYCROFT: Why would he be isolated? SHERLOCK: “He”? MYCROFT: Obviously. SHERLOCK: Why? Size of the hat? MYCROFT: Don’t be silly. Some women have large heads too. (Sherlock flinches slightly, possibly at Mycroft’s insult to his intelligence.) MYCROFT: No – he’s recently had his hair cut. You can see the little hairs adhering to the perspiration stains on the inside. (Sherlock looks down at the hat, pouting slightly.) SHERLOCK: Some women have short hair, too. MYCROFT: Balance of probability. SHERLOCK: Not that you’ve ever spoken to a woman with short hair – or, you know, a woman. MYCROFT: Stains show he’s out of condition, and he’s sentimental because the hat has been repaired three, four ... SHERLOCK: Five times. (He throws the hat back to his brother.) Very neatly. (Quick-fre) The cost of the repairs exceeds the cost of the hat, so he's mawkishly attached to it, but it’s more than that. One, perhaps two, patches would indicate sentimentality, but five? Five’s excessive behaviour. Obsessive compulsive. MYCROFT: Hardly. Your client left it behind. What sort of an obsessive compulsive would do that? (He throws the hat back to Sherlock, who grabs it with an exasperated grimace.) MYCROFT: The earlier patches are extensively sun-bleached, so he’s worn it abroad – in Peru. SHERLOCK: Peru? MYCROFT: This is a chullo – the classic headgear of the Andes. It’s made of alpaca. SHERLOCK (smirking): No. MYCROFT: No? SHERLOCK: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibres. MRS HUDSON (coming back into the room with a teapot): I’m sure there’s a crying need for that. (Sherlock pauses for a moment, then turns back to his brother.) SHERLOCK: You said he was anxious. MYCROFT: The bobble on the left side has been badly chewed, which shows he’s a man of a nervous disposition but ... SHERLOCK (talking over him): ... but also a creature of habit because he hasn’t chewed the bobble on the right. MYCROFT: Precisely. (Sherlock lifts the hat and sniffs it before lowering it again, grimacing.) SHERLOCK: Brief sniff of the offending bobble tells us everything we need to know about the state of his breath. (He turns away.) SHERLOCK (sarcastically): Brilliant(!) MYCROFT: Elementary. SHERLOCK: But you’ve missed his isolation. MYCROFT: I don’t see it. SHERLOCK: Plain as day. MYCROFT: Where? SHERLOCK: There for all to see. MYCROFT: Tell me. SHERLOCK: Plain as the nose on your ... MYCROFT: Tell me. SHERLOCK (turning back to him): Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn’t in the habit of hanging around other people, is he? MYCROFT: Not at all. Maybe he just doesn’t mind being different. He doesn’t necessarily have to be isolated. SHERLOCK: Exactly. (He looks down at the hat again. Mycroft blinks several times, apparently confused.) MYCROFT: I’m sorry? SHERLOCK (looking at him): He’s different – so what? Why would he mind? You’re quite right. (He lifts the hat and perches it on the top of his head, then looks pointedly at his brother.) SHERLOCK: Why would anyone mind? (Mycroft opens his mouth but seems to struggle to speak for a moment.) MYCROFT: ... I’m not lonely, Sherlock. (Sherlock tilts his head down and looks closely at him, then steps nearer with an intense expression on his face.) SHERLOCK: How would you know? (Taking the hat off, he turns away. Mrs Hudson, who has been pottering in the kitchen, comes to the doorway and smiles.) MYCROFT: Yes. Back to work if you don’t mind. Good morning. (Looking a little wide-eyed as a result of the recent conversation, he heads for the door. Behind him, Sherlock winks at Mrs Hudson, who giggles happily.) SHERLOCK (turning to face the wall of information behind the sofa): Right. Back to work. JOHN’S SURGERY. Mary knocks on the door and looks in. MARY: Mr Summerson. JOHN: Right. MARY: Undescended testicle. JOHN: ... Right. (Mary leaves again. The clock shows 10 past 10.) 221B. Sherlock holds up his phone and looks at the latest photos of one of his ‘markers’. Mrs Hudson comes to the door of the living room and watches as Sherlock draws a cross over the photo of the man which is pinned to the wall. MRS HUDSON: Sherlock. SHERLOCK (absently): Mm? MRS HUDSON: Talk to John. SHERLOCK: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear. In his surgery, John has his middle finger raised in front of him. With his other hand he pulls the medical glove tighter down onto his fingers. Mr Summerson is standing in front of him, naked from the waist down and looking awkward. JOHN: Just relax, Mr Summerson. (He walks towards him.) MRS HUDSON: What did he say? SHERLOCK: F... JOHN: Cough. (He is cradling Mr Summerson’s testicles with his gloved hand.) MRS HUDSON: Ooh dear! (She turns away.) Later, John sits looking at his computer in his surgery. The intercom beeps and he switches it on. JOHN: Hi. MARY (over intercom): Er, Mrs Reeves. Thrush. (John lowers his head momentarily.) JOHN: Right. (The clock shows 4 minutes past 1.) At 221B, Sherlock is standing at the window. Molly walks into the room behind him. MOLLY: You wanted to see me? SHERLOCK (turning to face her): Yes. (He starts to walk towards her.) SHERLOCK: Molly? MOLLY: Yes? SHERLOCK: Would you ... (He stops, looking down, then slowly starts to walk closer.) SHERLOCK: Would you like to ... MOLLY: ... have dinner? SHERLOCK (simultaneously): ... solve crimes? MOLLY (awkwardly): Ooh. John writes out a prescription as he talks to the woman sitting behind him. JOHN: Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, Mrs Reeves. It’s very common ... (he turns and hands the prescription to her) ... but I’m recommending a course of ... SHERLOCK: ... monkey glands. (He is looking at the wall, while Molly sits on a dining chair beside Sherlock’s armchair. She bites back a smile as Sherlock turns towards the two clients in the room. A woman is sitting in what was John’s chair and a man stands beside her.) SHERLOCK: But enough about Professor Presbury. Tell us more about your case, Mr Harcourt. (Molly speaks quietly to him as he walks past her.) MOLLY: Are you sure about this? SHERLOCK: Absolutely. MOLLY: Should I be making notes? SHERLOCK: If it makes you feel better. MOLLY: It’s just that that’s what John says he does, so if I’m being John ... SHERLOCK (sitting down in his chair): You’re not being John – you’re being yourself. (Molly smiles proudly.) MR HARCOURT: Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen. (Sherlock looks closely at him, zooming in on his jacket, then his hairline and then the skin above his eyes. He stands and walks closer to him.) SHERLOCK: Why didn’t you assume it was your wife? MR HARCOURT: Because I’ve always had total faith in her. SHERLOCK: No – it’s because you emptied it. (He points at the three areas on the man at which he had just looked and speaks quick-fre.) Weight loss, hair dye, Botox; affair. (Whipping out a business card, he holds it out to Mrs Harcourt.) Lawyer. Next! Mary shows the next patient into the room and looks at John. MARY: This is Mr Blake. (Whispering) Piles. (John nods politely. The clock shows half past 3. John turns and smiles at his patient.) JOHN: Mr Blake, hi. Sherlock is sitting on a stool close to a woman who is sitting on the sofa. He is clasping her hands and patting them sympathetically while he talks softly to her. SHERLOCK: And your pen pal’s emails just stopped, did they? (The woman nods, whimpering as she cries. Molly looks across to her but then continues writing notes at the dining table. An older man is sitting beside the woman.) SHERLOCK (softly): And you really thought he was the one, didn’t you? The love of your life? (As the woman takes off her glasses and cries harder, Sherlock turns and looks at Molly for a moment, then stands and walks across to her. Keeping his back to the clients, he speaks quietly.) SHERLOCK: Stepfather posing as online boyfriend. MOLLY (shocked): What?! SHERLOCK: Breaks it off, breaks her heart. She swears off relationships, stays at home – he still has her wage coming in. (He turns to the man and addresses him sternly.) SHERLOCK: Mr Windibank, you have been a complete and utter ... JOHN: ... piss pot. (He is holding up a small plastic cylinder used for collecting urine samples. He hands it to his latest patient who is sitting facing him.) JOHN: It’s nothing to worry about. Just a small infection by the sound of it. Er, Doctor Verner is your usual GP, yes? (The man speaks in a rough voice with a thick accent.) MR SZIKORA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (John looks startled. The man appears to be in his sixties, has long white hair and a white beard and is wearing very dark glasses and a black knitted hat.) MR SZIKORA: He looked after me, man and boy. (He beckons John closer and talks confidentially.) MR SZIKORA: I run a little shop, just on the corner of Church Street. JOHN: Oh, right. MR SZIKORA (picking up a plastic bag from the floor): Er, magazines, DVDs. Brought along a few little beauties that might interest you. (Taking a DVD from the bag, he shows it to John.) MR SZIKORA: “Tree Worshippers.” Oh, that’s a corker. It’s very saucy. (John nods in a bemused way, looking closely at the man as if he is beginning to suspect something. The man gets out a magazine and holds it up.) MR SZIKORA: “British Birds.” Same sort of thing. (The magazine cover shows two glamorous women in skimpy clothing, and some of the captions around the photograph read, “We’re a real handful,” “Hot British Birds! XXX” and “Knocker Glory”.) JOHN: I’m fine, thanks. MR SZIKORA (holding up another DVD and translating its foreign title): “The Holy wr.” Sounds a bit dry, I know, but there’s a nun with all these holes in her habit. JOHN: Jesus. Sherlock ... MR SZIKORA: Huh? JOHN: ... what do you want? MR SZIKORA: Huh? JOHN: Have you come to torment me? MR SZIKORA: What are you talking about? JOHN (impersonating his accent): “What are you talking ...” (He stands up and walks closer.) What, d’you think I’m gonna be fooled by this bloody beard? (He tugs at it while the man flails in panic.) MR SZIKORA: Are you crazy?! (John straightens a little and imitates his flaily hands, mockingly saying, “No, no, no, no!” in the man’s accent, then leans into his face.) JOHN: It’s not as good as your French. Not as good as your French. It’s not even a good disguise, Sherlock! (He rips off the man’s hat and glasses. The man stares up at him with a terrified look on his face.) JOHN: Where’d you get it from? A bloody joke ... sh-shop ...? (Staring at the man with dawning horror, he reaches out and pulls his head forward to confirm that he genuinely is bald on top.) JOHN: Oh my God. (The man whimpers as John gently puts his glasses back onto his face.) JOHN: I am so sorry. Oh my God. (Mary comes in, having presumably heard the noise. John puts the man’s hat back onto his head.) JOHN: Please for... (He looks across to Mary, speaking a little plaintively.) It’s fine. (Clearing his throat, he sits down again. Mary goes out and closes the door.) Greg Lestrade tears down the police tape sealing a door inside a building. LESTRADE: This one’s got us all baffled. SHERLOCK: Mmm. I don’t doubt it. (Greg opens the door and leads Sherlock and Molly down the stairs into the basement. At the foot of the stairs, a large hole has been knocked through the brickwork of one wall. They go through the hole and Greg switches on the mobile lighting which has been set up in the room. As he switches more lights on, the “skeleton mystery” which Sherlock had been reading earlier is revealed. A white-painted wooden table is at the far end of the room and seated on a chair behind it is a skeleton dressed in an old-fashioned suit. There is a carafe and a glass and what looks like a writing set on the table in front of it. The corpse is holding a syringe in one skeletal hand. Frowning, Sherlock is already zooming in on details of the scene before he walks across the room, lays his pouch of tools on the table and gets to work, examining the corpse in minute detail. Molly stands nearby, her notebook open and pen poised. Sherlock sniffs at the body and tries to decide what he is picking up: PINE? SPRUCE? CEDAR NEW MOTHBALLS Moving on, he sniffs again: Carbon particulate He sniffs more deeply: fre Damage He straightens up and shuts his magnifier.) MOLLY: What is it? (Sherlock gets his phone out and holds it up high to try and get a signal.) MOLLY: You’re on to something, aren’t you? SHERLOCK: Mm, maybe. (John’s voice sounds in his head and the words he speaks appear in Sherlock’s mind. SHOW OFF SHERLOCK (in a whisper): Shut up, John. (Greg’s eyes flicker across to him.) MOLLY: What? SHERLOCK: Hmm? Nothing. (He walks around to the other side of the table and continues his investigations.) At the surgery, Mary walks into John’s office wearing her coat and scarf. She goes across to where he is sitting at his desk. MARY (smiling): Hello. JOHN: Mmm. MARY: You sure? JOHN: I’m sure. MARY: Okay. I’m late for Cath. I’ll see you later. (She bends down and kisses him, then turns and leaves.) JOHN: ’Bye. MARY: ’Bye. CRIME SCENE. As Sherlock carefully uses tweezers to lift the lapel of the skeleton’s jacket, Molly still stands some distance away waiting to write anything down. Greg leans close to Sherlock and speaks softly. LESTRADE (glancing towards Molly): This gonna be your new arrangement, is it? SHERLOCK: Just giving it a go. LESTRADE: Right. So, John? SHERLOCK: Not really in the picture any more. (He moves away from the table and turns back to look at the whole picture. Cement dust drifts down from the ceiling as a distant rumbling can be heard.) MOLLY: Trains? SHERLOCK: Trains. (He drops into a squat and calls up a mental compass showing the orientation of the room. Steepling his fingers in front of his mouth he zooms in on the corpse. Molly walks across to the body and looks at the bones in its neck. Sherlock stands up and walks over to join her.) MOLLY: Male, forty to fifty. (She looks round at Sherlock.) MOLLY: Ooh, sorry, did you want to be ...? SHERLOCK: Er, no, please. Be my guest. (John’s voice sounds in his mind again: JEALOUS? SHERLOCK (angrily, through gritted teeth): Shut up! (Molly glances nervously at Greg. Sherlock takes out his magnifier to look more closely at the hand holding the syringe while Molly continues investigating the skeleton.) MOLLY: Doesn’t make sense. LESTRADE: What doesn’t? (Sherlock gently blows away the dust around the hand and continues blwing towards the edge of the table.) MOLLY: This skeleton – it’s ... it can’t be any more than ... SHERLOCK and MOLLY (simultaneously): ... six months old. (Sherlock has found a hidden compartment in the side of the table and he opens it and slides out a book from inside it. He blows the dust from the cover, gives it a sarcastic glance and shows it to Molly. Scrawled across the cover are the words: How I Did It By Jack the Ripper MOLLY: Wow! SHERLOCK: Hmm. (He flamboyantly drops the book onto the table. Greg leans forward to peer at the cover.) LESTRADE: “How I Did It” by Jack the Ripper?! SHERLOCK: Mm-hm. MOLLY: It’s impossible! SHERLOCK: Welcome to my world. (Greg grins with delight. As Sherlock leans down to repack his pouch of tools, John’s voice sounds in his head. SMART ARSE Sherlock grimaces, flailing towards his own head.) SHERLOCK (quietly, through clenched teeth): Get out. (Continuing to repack his pouch, he talks more loudly to Molly and a grinning Greg.) SHERLOCK: I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining it to you. LESTRADE: No, please – insult away! (Sherlock has already picked up his pouch and is heading for the door but he stops when his internal John throws in another comment: You forgot to put your collar up Appearing confused and disoriented by this internal commentary, Sherlock turns back to the others.) SHERLOCK: The-the-the corpse is-is six months old; it’s dressed in a shoddy Victorian outfit from a museum. It’s been displayed on a dummy for many years in a case facing south-east judging from the fading of the fabric. It was sold off in a fre-damage sale ... (he gets his phone out and shows the screen to Greg) ... a week ago. LESTRADE: So the whole thing was a fake. SHERLOCK: Yes. (He turns and heads out of the room.) LESTRADE: Looked so promising. SHERLOCK (already out of sight): Facile. MOLLY: Why would someone go to all that trouble? SHERLOCK (offscreen): Why indeed, John? (Molly looks awkwardly at Greg.) LATER. Sherlock – with Molly at his side – pushes the doorbell to a flat. Instead of the bell ringing or buzzing, it plays a recording of an Underground announcement of a male voice saying, “Mind the gap. Mind the gap.” Molly giggles quietly as a young man answers the door. Sherlock immediately holds out the bobble hat towards him. HOWARD: Oh. Thanks for hanging on to it. SHERLOCK: No problem. (Taking the hat, Howard leads them inside.) SHERLOCK: So, what’s this all about, Mr Shilcott? (They go into a room which is mostly taken up by a train set with Tube trains running round it. On the wall is a photo of Howard, wearing his bobble hat, grinning happily and doing a thumbs-up to the camera while he stands in front of a train which doesn’t seem to be in Britain. The rest of the room is full of all sorts of different train memorabilia.) HOWARD: My girlfriend’s a big fan of yours. SHERLOCK (chuckling sarcastically): Girlfriend?! (Howard looks round indignantly and Molly throws Sherlock a look.) SHERLOCK: Sorry. Do go on. HOWARD: I like trains. SHERLOCK: Yyyes. HOWARD: I work on the Tube, on the District Line, and part of my job is to wipe the security footage after it’s been cleared. (He sits down at his computer.) HOWARD: I was just whizzing through and, er, I found something a bit bizarre. (He turns towards the computer and Sherlock throws a silent and quirky “Ooh!” at Molly, who smiles. Howard pulls up the relevant footage and the others walk to either side of him to look at the screen, which shows the platform of a station. A train is stationary and its doors are open. There is only one man on the platform. He looks like a business man and is carrying a briefcase.) HOWARD: Now, this was a week ago. The last train on the Friday night, Westminster station, and this man gets into the last car. MOLLY: “Car”? HOWARD: They’re cars, not carriages. It’s a legacy of the early American involvement in the Tube system. (Molly turns and throws a look at Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: He said he liked trains. MOLLY: Hmm! HOWARD: And the next stop ... (he shows the appropriate footage) ... St James’s Park station ... and ... (The footage shows the doors of the last car opening – and nobody gets out. Suddenly Sherlock is more interested. The doors close again.) HOWARD: I thought you’d like it. (He replays the earlier footage.) HOWARD: He gets into the last car at Westminster, the only passenger ... (He switches to the later footage.) HOWARD: ... and the car is empty at St James’s Park station. Explain that, Mr Holmes. MOLLY: Couldn’t he have just jumped off? (Sherlock shakes his head.) HOWARD: There’s a safety mechanism that prevents the doors from opening in transit. But there’s something else. The driver of that train hasn’t been to work since. According to his flatmate, he’s on holiday. Came into some money. SHERLOCK (turning to look at Molly): Bought off? (Molly has been gazing at him for the last few seconds and now looks startled by his question.) MOLLY (blankly): Hmm? (Sherlock looks disapprovingly at her for a moment, then turns to Howard. Molly looks embarrassed.) SHERLOCK: So if the driver of the train was in on it, then the passenger did get off. HOWARD: There’s nowhere he could go. It’s a straight run on the District Line between the two stations. There’s no side tunnels, no maintenance tunnels – nothing on any map. Nothing. The train never stops, and the man vanishes. Good, innit?! (Sherlock closes his eyes, replaying a close-up of the passenger on the platform as his head turns towards the camera.) SHERLOCK: I know that face. (His eyes snap open, but now he’s in his Mind Palace, calling up footage of trains travelling along Tube lines, racing along the various lines on the Tube map, and generally recalling everything he can about the London Underground. Some time during the process he physically relocates to the stairs outside the flat, presumably so that he can concentrate better, but he frowns when he realises where he is, as if he doesn’t remember moving. Shutting his eyes to get back into the zone, he continues his search, walking down a long flight of stairs into an Underground station. Briefly the face of the disappearing man appears in his mind before more images from the Tube network and maps flash though his brain, and then the man’s face appears again.) BAKER STREET. John walks towards the front door of 221 and then stands and looks at it. A man comes around the corner and walks along the road, barging past him and bumping roughly into his shoulder. John turns to look at him as he continues onwards without speaking. JOHN (sarcastically): ’Scuse you. (The man glances over his shoulder at him but doesn’t stop. Behind John, another man walks up to him, grabs his left wrist and instantly jabs the needle of a syringe into the right side of his neck. John tries to grab at him but the drug is already starting to take effect and his weakening struggles are in vain as the first man comes back and they both hold him as he starts to fall. They carefully lower him to the ground.) HOWARD’S BUILDING. Molly looks up the stairs and slowly walks up them towards Sherlock as he stands there with his eyes closed. After a moment he opens his eyes but can see only a ticking clock, followed by a journey through a Tube tunnel. SHERLOCK (quick-fre, as his eyes rapidly flicker back and forth): The journey between those stations usually takes five minutes. That journey took ten minutes – ten minutes to get from Westminster to St James’s Park. (He looks down at Molly.) So I’m going to need maps – lots of maps, older maps, all the maps. MOLLY: Right. SHERLOCK (walking past her and continuing down the stairs): Fancy some chips? MOLLY: What? SHERLOCK: I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road. The owner always gives me extra portions. MOLLY (following him): Did you get him off a mrder charge? SHERLOCK: No – I helped him put up some shelves. (She giggles and he smiles briefly.) MOLLY: Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Hmm? (He stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns back to her.) MOLLY: What was today about? SHERLOCK: Saying thank you. MOLLY: For what? SHERLOCK: Everything you did for me. MOLLY: It’s okay. It was my pleasure. (She reaches the bottom of the stairs and starts towards the door but turns back as he speaks.) SHERLOCK: No, I mean it. MOLLY: I don’t mean “pleasure”. I mean, I didn’t mind. I wanted to. SHERLOCK (stepping closer and speaking intensely but softly): Moriarty slipped up. He made a mistake. Because the one person he thought didn’t matter at all to me was the one person that mattered the most. You made it all possible. (He draws in a breath.) SHERLOCK: But you can’t do this again, can you? (She smiles, and when she speaks her voice is a little choked.) MOLLY: I had a lovely day. I’d love to – I just ... um ... (She looks down.) SHERLOCK (following her gaze): Oh, congratulations, by the way. (Molly is wearing a diamond solitaire engagement ring.) MOLLY: He’s not from work. (Sherlock smiles.) MOLLY: We met through friends, the old-fashioned way. He’s nice. We ... he’s got a dog ... we-we go to the pub on weekends and he ... I’ve met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family and I’ve no idea why I’m telling you this. SHERLOCK: I hope you’ll be very happy, Molly Hooper. You deserve it. After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths(!) MOLLY: No? SHERLOCK: No. (Stepping closer to her, he gives her a beautiful smile, then leans in and kisses her on the cheek. She closes her eyes and keeps them closed as he turns and walks out of the front door. After a moment she turns and looks at his disappearing back.) MOLLY: Maybe it’s just my type. (Outside it’s snowing. Sherlock walks down the path, sighing a little and pulling his coat around him. He turns to the right and walks off down the road. Molly follows down the path, pulling out her gloves and putting them on. She stops at the pavement and watches Sherlock walk away, then turns and walks off in the opposite direction.) NIGHT TIME. There’s a full moon in the sky. John slowly starts to regain consciousness. He seems to be surrounded by foliage, and the flickers of moonlight coming through the greenery seem like a flashlight being shone on him. Choking, he tries to move his hands but finds that he can’t. He opens his mouth to cry out but no sound will come. He tries to raise his head but eventually sinks back down again. There is a bleeding wound on the right side of his head just at his hairline. Elsewhere, Mary is walking along a street but stops to take out her phone when it beeps a text alert. Taking off her glove to activate the phone, she sees the message Save souls now! John or James Watson? Saint or Sinner? James or John? The more is Less? Frowning, she lowers the phone and hurries on. Some time later she is at the door of 221 as Mrs Hudson opens the door to her knock. MARY: Oh, Mrs Hudson. (Mrs H frowns as Mary gently pushes her way in.) MARY: Sorry – I-I think someone’s got John – John Watson. (Upstairs in 221B’s living room, Sherlock – still in his coat and holding a bag of chips just inside the door – turns at the sound of her voice. Mrs H follows her.) MRS HUDSON: Hang on! Who are you? MARY (stopping partway up the stairs and turning back to her): Oh, I’m his fiancée. MRS HUDSON (smiling): Ah! (Sherlock is already coming onto the landing as Mary hurries up the stairs.) SHERLOCK: Mary? What’s wrong? MARY (taking her phone from her pocket): Someone sent me this. At first I thought it was just a Bible thing, you know, spam, but it’s not. It’s a skip-code. (Sherlock looks at her closely, then turns his attention to her phone as she shows him the first part of the message: Save souls now! John or James Watson? SHERLOCK: First word, then every third. Save ... John ... Watson. (Mary pulls up the rest of the message: Saint or Sinner? James or John? The more is Less? The unimportant words seem to fade, leaving just the vital ones: Saint James The Less SHERLOCK (urgently): Now! (Dropping his chips to the floor, he races down the stairs with Mary following.) MARY: Where are we going? SHERLOCK: St James the Less. It’s a church. Twenty minutes by car. (He pelts out into the street.) SHERLOCK: Did you drive here? MARY: Er, yes. SHERLOCK (pacing about in the middle of the road): It’s too slow. It’s too slow. (He is oblivious to the approach of a car, which swerves around him, the driver blaring his horn.) MARY (frantically): Sherlock, what are we waiting for? (Sherlock turns towards oncoming headlights.) SHERLOCK: This. (He steps directly into the path of the approaching motorcycle and holds up an imperious hand. The driver slams on the brakes and the bike skids to a halt just in time.) Shortly afterwards Sherlock and Mary – wearing the helmets of the driver and his pillion passenger – are racing through the streets on the bike. In Sherlock’s mind, he is calculating how long it will take to get to St James the Less Church. Currently the journey will take 10 minutes. Mary’s phone sounds a text alert and she checks it. It reads: Getting warmer Mr Holmes You have about ten minutes They drive on. MARY: What does it mean? What are they going to do to him? SHERLOCK: I don’t know. Wherever John is, he is struggling to move. The sound of children’s voices can be heard some distance away. He grunts as he frantically strains to escape but he can make no louder noise. On the motorcycle, Mary holds her phone over Sherlock’s shoulder so that he can see the latest message: 8 minutes and counting... Sherlock turns his attention back to the road and accelerates, but shortly afterwards they approach a roadblock. The road ahead is cordoned off with police tape, and two police officers are explaining the situation to stopped cars. SHERLOCK (slamming on the brakes): Damn! (He looks to his left and rapidly works out an alternative route which he overlays onto the original route. The original one has an ETA of 8 minutes; the new, more direct route shows an ETA of 5 minutes. Sherlock turns the bike and heads up onto the pavement and into a walkway between two buildings. One of the police officers uselessly chases after him.) POLICE OFFICER: Oi! Oi! You can’t go down there! (On the other side of the buildings, the path descends down a long flight of steps but Sherlock heads straight down them and onto the road at the bottom, which happens to be The Mall. They race onwards towards Buckingham Palace.) Elsewhere, a fireworks party is starting in a small park in a square near a church. Children wave their sparklers around, and some people are playing small drums. One little girl, Zoe, gazes at the gigantic bonfire which has been piled up in the middle of the park, made up of broken wooden pallets, furniture and anything else which has been scavenged. She looks up at the Guy Fawkes guy which has been perched on the top of the bonfire, completely unaware that John is at the bottom of the bonfire, lying on the ground out of sight of all the people nearby. The children gather near, perhaps knowing that it is not long until the fre will be lit. John opens his mouth and tries again to cry out but all he can manage is a faint moan. He thrashes, trying to push himself up and continuing to moan quietly. And now a man approaches the bonfire carrying a flaming brand of wood. The children watch him delightedly. John manages to produce some slightly louder croaks but they cannot be heard above the excited chatter of the children and the drumming. Smiling cheerfully, the man lowers the brand to the foot of the fre. On the motorcycle, Mary receives a new message: Better hurry things are hotting up here... They continue onwards but their speed is impeded as they cross a bridge and are blocked by a slow-moving lorry. At the park the man with the brand, trying to light the bonfire without any success, looks round and shakes his head. MAN: No. It’s not gonna work. Bit damp. I’ll get something to help it along, yeah? (He walks away. Part of the bonfire is smouldering and the smoke drifts across John, who continues to try and cry out. His voice is getting a little stronger and he manages to let out a couple of louder but wordless cries. Standing nearby, Zoe frowns at the sound, looking in concern at the guy on top of the fre as the noises continue.) On the motorcycle, Mary shows Sherlock the newest message: Stay of execution. you’ve got two more minutes Sherlock checks his mental map, which shows that if he continues by road, their ETA is 3 minutes. However, if he goes in a straight line it will only take 1 minute. He swerves the bike and heads straight down into a pedestrian underpass. At the bonfire, Zoe’s father – the one who tried to light the fre – comes back with a small can of petrol. Zoe turns to him plaintively. ZOE: He doesn’t like it, Daddy. DAD: Eh? ZOE: Guy Fawkes – he doesn’t like it! DAD (unscrewing the lid of the can): Stay back, Zoe. Back. Now. (She stares at him as he starts to splash fuel over the wood of the bonfire. Inside, John’s cries are getting louder.) The motorcycle charges on through the underpass. Zoe’s dad continues pouring petrol over the fre. Sherlock forces the bike up a steep flight of steps and out onto the street again. They are finally driving along beside the fence surrounding the park. Mary receives one more text: What a shame Mr Holmes. John is quite a Guy! She holds the phone over Sherlock’s shoulder to show him. MARY: What does it mean? (Smiling, Zoe’s dad takes his flaming brand to the fre and tosses it onto the wood. Sherlock’s head whips round as the bonfire begins to blaze and all the onlookers cheer.) SHERLOCK: Oh my God. (He accelerates around the square towards the only gap in the fence surrounding the park. The onlookers continue to celebrate the ignition of the fre. John’s voice finally comes to him and he screams out.) JOHN: Help! (Zoe screams, and now others can hear the voice too and react with horror. Her father runs to comfort her. Sherlock races the bike into the park and hurls himself off.) SHERLOCK (to Mary): Jump off! (She quickly steps off as he drops the bike onto its side. The fre is really taking hold now, and John wails as the heat increases. Throwing his helmet off, Sherlock runs towards the fre, shoving people out of his way.) SHERLOCK: Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! (He reaches the front of the crowd and races on towards the bonfire.) SHERLOCK: John! MARY (running behind him): John! Get out, John! (Sherlock crouches down, peering through the flames and trying to see where John is while throwing some of the wood aside. He and Mary continue to cry John’s name and he hears them.) JOHN: Help! (Now Sherlock has a location and he plunges his arms into the inferno, throwing pieces of the bonfire aside and creating a path into it. At last he reaches in and grabs John’s arms and hauls him out, pulling him across the ground to safety before rolling him over onto his back. John lies there, looking extremely dazed as Sherlock looms over him.) SHERLOCK: John? John! (He gently pats John’s face.) MARY (covering her mouth and crying): John. SHERLOCK (softly): Hey, John. (As John gazes blankly up at them, their faces fade out for a moment. He blinks as if trying to force his vision to work.) 221B. DAY TIME. Wearing a suit but without the usual dressing gown over it, Sherlock sits in his armchair with his eyes closed, sighing quietly and occasionally drumming his fingers on the arms of the chair. A grey-haired couple are sitting on the sofa and the woman appears to have talking for some time. WOMAN: ... which wasn’t the way I’d put it at all. Silly woman. Anyway, it was then that I first noticed it was missing. I said, “Have you checked down the back of the sofa?” (Sherlock screws his face up, then tilts his head forward a little, almost nodding off to sleep until his head jerks back up again. He steeples his fingers in front of his face as the woman looks round at her husband.) WOMAN: He’s always losing things down the back of the sofa, aren’t you, dear? MAN: ’Fraid so. (Sherlock is glaring towards the kitchen.) WOMAN: Keys, small change, sweeties. Especially his glasses. MAN: Glasses. WOMAN: Blooming things. I said, “Why don’t you get a chain – wear ’em round your neck?” And he says, “What – like Larry Grayson?” MAN (almost simultaneously): Larry Grayson. (Sherlock rises quickly to his feet, buttoning his jacket as he walks towards the couple.) SHERLOCK: So did you find it eventually, your lottery ticket? (He steps onto the coffee table and then onto the sofa between the couple. The woman leans to the side, getting out of his way, and the man stares up at him as he starts idly flicking through the paperwork stuck to the wall.) WOMAN: Well, yes, thank goodness. We caught the coach on time after all. We managed to see, er, St Paul’s, the Tower ... but they weren’t letting anyone in to Parliament. (Sherlock frowns and looks down at her.) WOMAN: Some big debate going on. (The living room door opens and John walks in. Sherlock looks round in surprise.) SHERLOCK: John! JOHN: Sorry – you’re busy. SHERLOCK (stepping off the sofa and reaching down to pull the woman to her feet): Er, no-no-no, they were just leaving. WOMAN: Oh, were we? SHERLOCK: Yes. JOHN: No, no, if you’ve got a case ... SHERLOCK: No, not a case, no-no-no. (To the woman) Go. ’Bye. WOMAN: Yeah, well, we’re here ’til Saturday, remember. SHERLOCK: Yes, great, wonderful. Just get out. (He herds the couple towards the door.) WOMAN: Well, give us a ring. SHERLOCK: Very nice, yes, good. Get out. (Bundling them onto the landing, he tries to close the door but the woman turns and sticks her heavy shoe into the doorway to stop the door from shutting. Sherlock pulls the door open a little, staring down at her foot.) WOMAN (quietly): I can’t tell you how glad we are, Sherlock. All that time people thinking the worst of you. (Sherlock glances round at John, who has walked over to the window and is deliberately keeping his back to the others.) WOMAN: We’re just so pleased it’s all over. (Grimacing, Sherlock tries to slam the door on her foot to make her remove it. She doesn’t budge.) MAN: Ring up more often, won’t you? SHERLOCK (hurriedly): Mm-hmm. MAN: She worries. WOMAN: Promise? (Again Sherlock glances round towards John as if to ascertain that he can’t hear him, then he leans close to the woman.) SHERLOCK (quietly): Promise. (Smiling, she reaches up to stroke his cheek.) SHERLOCK: Oh, for God... (He shoves the door closed and lets out a deep sigh before turning to John.) SHERLOCK: Sorry about that. JOHN: No, it’s fine. Clients? SHERLOCK (hesitating briefly): ... Just my parents. JOHN: Your parents? SHERLOCK: In town for a few days. JOHN: Your parents? SHERLOCK: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of “Les Mis”. Tried to talk me into doing it. JOHN: Those were your parents? (He goes to the window to look out.) SHERLOCK: Yes. JOHN: Well ... (He chuckles briefly.) That is not what I ... (He turns to look at Sherlock, then looks out of the window again.) SHERLOCK: What? JOHN: I-I mean they’re just ... so ... (He looks at Sherlock who directs a hard gaze at him, narrowing his eyes.) JOHN: ... ordinary. (He smiles. Sherlock tuts disparagingly.) SHERLOCK: It’s a cross I have to bear. (John chuckles, then slowly takes a few steps across the room before turning back.) JOHN: Did they know, too? (Sherlock won’t meet his eyes.) SHERLOCK: Hmm? JOHN: That you spent the last two years playing hide and seek. (Sherlock picks an imaginary piece of fluff off the keyboard of his laptop which is open on the dining table.) SHERLOCK: Maybe. JOHN: Ah! So that’s why they weren’t at the funeral. SHERLOCK (defensively): Sorry. Sorry again. JOHN (cynically): Mm. (He slowly steps towards the door. Sherlock watches him go for a moment, then lowers his head.) SHERLOCK (softly): Sorry. (Drawing in a deep breath, John meets his eyes for a second and then looks down, breathing out slowly.) SHERLOCK: See you’ve shaved it off, then. JOHN: Yeah. Wasn’t working for me. SHERLOCK: Mm, I’m glad. JOHN: What, you didn’t like it? SHERLOCK (smiling): No. I prefer my doctors clean-shaven. JOHN: That’s not a sentence you hear every day! (He has been slowly walking across the room again and is now in front of his old chair. He sits down in it, grunting a little.) SHERLOCK: How are you feeling? JOHN: Yeah, not bad. Bit ... smoked. SHERLOCK: Right. (John looks at him seriously.) JOHN: Last night – who did that? And why did they target me? SHERLOCK: I don’t know. JOHN: Is it someone trying to get to you through me? Is it something to do with this trror1st thing you talked about? SHERLOCK: I don’t know. I can’t see the pattern. It’s too nebulous. (He walks towards his wall of information.) SHERLOCK: Why would an agent give his life to tell us something incredibly insignificant? That’s what’s strange. JOHN: “Give his life”? SHERLOCK: According to Mycroft. There’s an underground network planning an attck on London – that’s all we know. (He looks down and frowns as an apparently random memory comes to him of the dust trickling down from the ceiling in the ‘Jack the Ripper’ room. He turns and gestures to the paperwork on the wall.) SHERLOCK: These are my rats, John. JOHN: Rats? SHERLOCK: My markers: agents, low-lifes, people who might find themselves arrested or their diplomatic immunity suddenly rescinded. If one of them starts acting suspiciously, we know something’s up. Five of them are behaving perfectly normally, but the sixth ... (He points to the relevant photograph.) JOHN (pointing to that photo): I know him, don’t I? (If we hadn’t already realised it, the photograph is of the man who got into the disappearing Tube car.) SHERLOCK: Lord Moran, peer of the realm, Minister for Overseas Development. Pillar of the establishment. JOHN: Yes! SHERLOCK: He’s been working for North Korea since 1996. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: He’s the Big Rat. Rat Number One. And he’s just done something very suspicious indeed. Later, Sherlock is showing Howard’s footage of the mysterious Tube train disappearance to John, who has taken his coat off. JOHN (looking at the screen): Yeah, that’s ... odd. There’s nowhere he could have got off? SHERLOCK: Not according to the maps. JOHN: Mm. SHERLOCK: There’s something – something, something I’m missing, something staring me in the face. (He turns to the wall again but then his phone beeps. He takes it out of his pocket.) JOHN (sitting down in front of the computer): Any idea who they are – this underground network? (Sherlock looks at a sequence of photos taken of Lord Moran walking along a road next to the Houses of Parliament. The sequence seems to indicate that he has just come up from Westminster Tube station.) JOHN (looking at the computer screen): Intelligence must have a-a list of the most obvious ones. SHERLOCK: Our rat’s just come out of his den. JOHN: Al-Qaeda; the IRA have been getting restless again – maybe they’re gonna make an appearance ... SHERLOCK (triumphantly): Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! I’ve been an idiot – a blind idiot! JOHN: What? SHERLOCK (pacing across the room): Oh, that’s good. That could be brilliant. JOHN: What are you on about? SHERLOCK: Mycroft’s intelligence – it’s not nebulous at all. It’s specific – incredibly specific. JOHN (firmly): What do you mean? SHERLOCK: Not an underground network, John. It’s an Underground network. JOHN: Right. ... What? SHERLOCK: Sometimes a deception is so audacious, so outrageous that you can’t see it even when it’s staring you in the face. (He leans over to replay the Tube footage of the lone passenger – Lord Moran – getting into the train at Westminster.) SHERLOCK: Look – seven carriages leave Westminster ... (the footage switches to show the next station) ... but only six carriages arrive at St James’s Park. JOHN: But that’s ... I ... it’s-it’s impossible. SHERLOCK: Moran didn’t disappear – the entire Tube compartment did. The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage. JOHN: Detached it where?! You said there was nothing between those stations. SHERLOCK: Not on the maps, but once you eliminate all the other factors, the only thing remaining must be the truth. (He points at the screen.) That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere. JOHN: But why, though? Why detach it in the first place? SHERLOCK (pacing): It vanishes between St James’s Park and Westminster. Lord Moran vanishes. You’re kidnapped and nearly brned to death at a fireworks par... (He stops. He’s got it.) SHERLOCK (turning to John): What’s the date, John – today’s date? JOHN: Hmm? November the ... My God. (Sherlock looks at the information wall and walks slowly towards it.) SHERLOCK: Lord Moran – he’s a peer of the realm. Normally he’d sit in the House. Tonight there’s an all-night sitting to vote on the new anti-terrorism Bill. (He stops in front of the sofa and smiles.) SHERLOCK: But he won’t be there. Not tonight. (He turns to look down at John.) Not the fifth of November. JOHN: “Remember, remember.” SHERLOCK: “gn, treason and plot.” Shortly afterwards Howard Shilcott – sitting in his living room and wearing his bobble hat – is Skypeing with the boys on the laptop while Sherlock and John frantically search through maps and papers on the kitchen table at 221B. HOWARD: There’s nothing down there, Mr Holmes, I told you. No sidings, no ghost stations. SHERLOCK (turning the laptop around so that John can see the screen): There has to be. Check again. (Howard leans offscreen. John is looking through a book.) JOHN: Look – this whole area is a big mess of old and new stuff. Charing Cross is made up of bits of older stations like Trafalgar Square, Strand ... SHERLOCK: No, it’s none of those. We’ve accounted for those. (He looks closer at an old map.) SHERLOCK: St Margaret’s Street, Bridge Street, Sumatra Road, Parliament Street ... HOWARD (taking the pom pom that he’s been chewing out of his mouth): Hang on, hang on. Sumatra Road. You mentioned Sumatra Road, Mr Holmes. (He leans offscreen.) There is something. I knew it rang a bell. (Muttering) Where is it? (He comes back into view.) There was a station down there. JOHN: Well, why isn’t it on the maps? HOWARD: ’Cause it was closed before it ever opened. JOHN: What? HOWARD (holding up a book to the camera to show the relevant page): They built the platforms, even the staircases, but it all got tied up in legal disputes, so they never built the station on the surface. (Grinning, he points to the appropriate spot on the page. Sherlock has been slowly straightening up while Howard spoke.) SHERLOCK: It’s right underneath the Palace of Westminster. JOHN: And so what’s down there? A bmb? (Sherlock walks away.) JOHN: Oh ... (He hurries after him, grabbing his coat as he goes.) NEWSREADER (on the television): With many commentators saying the vote on the terrorism Bill will be too close to call, MPs are now making their way into the Chamber for what the government is calling the most important vote of this parliament. Over now to our ... (In a hotel room, Lord Moran is lying on the bed watching the TV. He points the remote control at the television and changes to a different channel.) MALE VOICE (on the TV): What freedoms exactly are we protecting if we start spying on our own people? This is an Orwellian measure on a scale unprecedented ... Sherlock and John walk briskly along the road near the Houses of Parliament and head to the stairs leading down into Westminster station. They walk across the concourse, past the fangirls, through the ticket barriers and along the corridors. JOHN: So it’s a bmb, then? A Tube carriage is carrying a bmb. SHERLOCK: Must be. JOHN: Right. (Taking his glove off, he takes his phone from his pocket.) SHERLOCK: What are you doing? JOHN: Calling the police. SHERLOCK: What? No! JOHN: Sherlock, this isn’t a game. They need to evacuate Parliament. SHERLOCK: They’ll get in the way. They always do. This is cleaner, more efficient. (Stopping at a locked maintenance entrance, he reaches into his coat, takes out a crowbar and starts to force the gate open.) JOHN: And illegal. SHERLOCK: A bit. (The gate opens and the boys go inside. Sherlock pulls the gate closed behind them and they take out flashlights and start to walk down into the maintenance tunnels. John checks his phone, which reads, “NO SERVICE”.) SHERLOCK (not even looking round to him): What are you doing? JOHN (sighing): Coming. (He puts his phone away.) (They continue onwards for a long time, walking along narrow tunnels and walkways and climbing down steep metal ladders. Your transcriber sits back and flexes her aching fingers for a blissful few moments, secure in the knowledge that there’s no need to transcribe this bit in detail. At long last they walk onto the platform of Sumatra Road station. Sherlock shines his torch along the length of the track beside the platform but there is no sign of a train.) SHERLOCK: I don’t understand. JOHN: Well, that’s a first! SHERLOCK: There’s nowhere else it could be. (He turns to face the track and brings his hands up to either side of his head, screwing his eyes shut and concentrating. In his mind, he finds himself sitting on a seat inside the missing Tube car/carriage. He is the only passenger. At the far end, smoke comes under the bottom of the door and pours towards him. He turns his head to look and a fireball ignites behind the smoke and then races along the carriage, engulfing Sherlock’s position and continuing onwards. Sherlock’s mental image of himself relocates to the tunnel about a hundred yards away from the carriage. The inferno billows out of the carriage towards him but just before it reaches him it is sucked up a large open vent in the ceiling. At ground level above the Tube line, heated gas shimmers as it is forced through various air vents inside the Houses of Parliament. The perspective shifts to the opposite side of the River Thames ... and the entire Palace of Westminster goes up in a massive explsin. Sherlock’s eyes snap open.) SHERLOCK: Oh! (Turning to the left, he runs towards the end of the platform.) JOHN (chasing after him): What? (Sherlock jumps carefully off the end of the platform onto the tracks.) JOHN: Hang on. Sherlock? SHERLOCK (turning back): What? JOHN: That’s ... Isn’t it live? SHERLOCK (setting off along the tracks): Perfectly safe as long as we avoid touching the rails. JOHN: ’Course, yeah(!) Avoid the rails. Great(!) (He jumps down onto the tracks.) SHERLOCK: This way. JOHN: You sure? SHERLOCK: Sure. (They don’t have to walk far before the missing carriage is revealed partway round a gentle bend.) JOHN: Ah. Look at that. (They continue on, then Sherlock looks up and sees the large open vent which he just saw in his mind. He shines his flashlight into it.) SHERLOCK: John. JOHN: Hmm? (They both stop and shine their torches upwards, realising that there are several small explsive devices attached to the sides of the vent.) JOHN: Demolition charges. (They continue towards the carriage, John ducking down and shining his light underneath and around it as they approach. He blows out a long breath as they get close and again he squats down to check the underside while Sherlock looks along the side. Sherlock opens the door to the driver’s cab and they climb in and then go carefully through the opposite door into the carriage itself. Slowly they work their way along it, looking at every seat, every corner, shining their torches along the ceiling and the floor. At the second set of side doors, Sherlock slows down, paying particular attention to something. John progresses on to the very end.) JOHN: It’s empty. There’s nothing. (Unfortunately, he’s wrong. Sherlock has already spotted a pair of intertwined black and red cables strung along the wall and down to one of the seat backs.) SHERLOCK: Isn’t there? (John turns back and points his torch where Sherlock is gently lifting the cushion, bending low to shine his light underneath. Sherlock lifts his head and looks round at him.) SHERLOCK: This is the bmb. JOHN: What? (Sherlock stands up and lifts the cushion all the way up. The cavity underneath is full of wired-up explsives.) SHERLOCK: It’s not carrying explsives. The whole compartment is the bmb. (He and John work their way along the carriage, lifting other cushions at random. Each one has an identical explsive device under it.) In his hotel room, Moran opens a briefcase and lifts the lid. Inside is what is clearly a detonator – it has a small screen, a number pad, a slot for a key, and a Let’sSendTheWorldToHell button which almost disappointingly is neither very big nor painted red. A couple of keys lie beside the device. While John continues lifting seat cushions, Sherlock looks around the carriage and then takes a few steps along the aisle before realising that a floor panel is loose. As John looks down at the latest batch of explsives, Sherlock takes his gloves off and bends to the panel, forcing his fingers into the gap and lifting it. Underneath is what can only be described as the ‘mother bmb’ – a device massively larger than the ones under the cushions. While John takes several deep nervous breaths, Sherlock props the panel up against the wall of the train. They both look down at the massive device, then John looks up at Sherlock. JOHN: We need bmb disposal. SHERLOCK: There may not be time for that now. JOHN: So what do we do? SHERLOCK (after a brief pause): I have no idea. JOHN (sternly): Well, think of something. SHERLOCK: Why d’you think I know what to do? JOHN: Because you’re Sherlock Holmes. You’re as clever as it gets. SHERLOCK: Doesn’t mean I know how to defuse a giant bmb. What about you? JOHN: I wasn’t in bmb disposal. I’m a bloody doctor. SHERLOCK (angrily pointing his torch at him): And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all. (John looks down at the countdown clock currently frozen at 2:30.) JOHN: Can’t-can’t we rip the timer off, or something? SHERLOCK: That would set it off. JOHN: You see? You know things. (Sherlock turns away, sighing.) In his room, Moran types the code 051113 onto the number pad. He inserts one of the keys into its slot and turns it. The device beeps. He releases the key, then reaches to the Not Big Red Button and presses it. In the Tube carriage, all the lights come on and the countdown clock on the mother bmb begins to tick down. The boys look around in shock, and John groans. SHERLOCK: Er ... JOHN (breathing fast): My God! (Sherlock paces away from him.) SHERLOCK: Er ... JOHN: Why didn’t you call the police? SHERLOCK: Please just ... JOHN (furiously): Why do you never call the police? SHERLOCK: Well, it’s no use now. 2:15 JOHN (angrily): So you can’t switch the bmb off? You can’t switch the bmb off and you didn’t call the police. (He turns away for a moment, then turns back again.) SHERLOCK: Go, John. (He points towards the driver’s cab.) Go now. JOHN: There’s no point now, is there, because there’s not enough time to get away; and if we don’t do this ... (he gestures down to the mother bmb) ... other people will die! 1:57 (He looks down at the clock for a moment, then points at Sherlock.) JOHN: Mind Palace. SHERLOCK: Hmm? JOHN: Use your Mind Palace. SHERLOCK: How will that help? JOHN: You’ve salted away every fact under the sun! SHERLOCK: Oh, and you think I’ve just got “How To Defuse A bmb” tucked away in there somewhere? JOHN: Yes! (Sherlock thinks about it for a second.) SHERLOCK: Maybe. (He brings his fingers up to the sides of his face and screws his eyes shut.) JOHN (intensely): Think. (Sherlock lifts his head a little, still concentrating.) JOHN (softly): Think. Please think. (Sherlock groans.) JOHN: Think! (Sherlock’s hands come away from his face and flail, while his eyes remain closed and he continues to make groaning noises. John closes his eyes, shaking his head as the noises get louder and finally Sherlock lets out a cry and opens his eyes. He breathes heavily for a moment, then he lowers his hands and looks at John with a blank but apologetic look on his face. John stares at him in disbelief.) JOHN: Oh my God. (He turns away. Sherlock tears his scarf from around his neck and doubles over, burying his head in his hands, still making incoherent groaning noises. He drops to his knees next to the bmb as John wanders a little way down the carriage.) JOHN: This is it. (Behind him, Sherlock is flailing uselessly over the bmb.) SHERLOCK: Um, er ... (John stops and stares into space.) JOHN (softly): Oh my God. SHERLOCK (still patting around the device and mumbling vaguely): Turn that off. Oh God! Er, um, er ... 1:29 (John turns back towards him, and Sherlock raises his head.) SHERLOCK (softly): I’m sorry. (John screws his eyes closed for a moment, then looks at him again.) JOHN: What? SHERLOCK (softly, his eyes starting to fill with tears): I can’t ... I can’t do it, John. I don’t know how. (He straightens up on his knees.) SHERLOCK: Forgive me? JOHN (tightly, furiously): What? SHERLOCK (bringing his hands up into a praying position): Please, John, forgive me ... for all the hurt that I caused you. JOHN (waving a finger at him): No, no, no, no, no, no. This is a trick. SHERLOCK: No. JOHN: Another one of your bloody tricks. SHERLOCK: No. JOHN: You’re just trying to make me say something nice. (Sherlock chuckles briefly.) SHERLOCK: Not this time. JOHN: It’s just to make you look good even though you behaved like ... (He grimaces, fighting back tears, and turns away as he tries to steady his breathing. Sherlock moves away from the bmb and sits on the edge of one of the nearby tip-up seats. John grips one of the handrails, looking down at the floor, then stamps his foot furiously. His voice is low but savage as he speaks.) JOHN: I wanted you not to be dad. SHERLOCK: Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for. (John sighs.) SHERLOCK: If I hadn’t come back, you wouldn’t be standing there and ... (Baring his teeth, John turns away, shaking his head.) SHERLOCK: ... you’d still have a future ... with Mary. JOHN (turning and pointing at him): Yeah. I know. (He grimaces and turns away again. Sherlock clenches his fist against his mouth, then wipes his nose, his face full of despair. Finally John turns back.) JOHN (his voice low and tight): Look, I find it difficult. (Sherlock nods, his head lowered.) JOHN: I find it difficult, this sort of stuff. SHERLOCK (looking up at him): I know. (John blows out a breath, lowering his head, then he straightens up and looks at Sherlock.) JOHN (his voice not much more than a whisper): You were the best and the wisest man ... (he sniffs) ... that I have ever known. (Sherlock looks at him, his eyes wide and tear-filled. John sighs, lowering his head again before raising it once more.) JOHN: Yes, of course I forgive you. (Sherlock gazes at him. John meets his eyes for a moment, then he takes in a deep breath through his nose, closes his eyes, raises his head and braces himself for death.) The scene whites out. From the point of view of a video camera, Sherlock is sitting on a sofa in front of a window and looking directly into the camera. SHERLOCK: The criminal network Moriarty headed was vast. (Cutaway sht of Sherlock standing beside Mycroft as he sits in his office in the Diogenes Club. Mycroft appears to be reading a report; Sherlock is looking at his phone.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Its roots were everywhere like a cancer, so we came up with a plan. (Mycroft starts to type on his laptop. Sherlock leans down to look at the screen.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Mycroft fed Moriarty information about me. (Flashback to Mycroft walking into Jim’s cell, and Jim closing his eyes delightedly.) SHERLOCK (part voiceover, part into the camera): Moriarty in turn gave us hints – just hints – as to the extent of his web. We let him go ... (Flashback to Jim being taken into court for his trial.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... because it was important to let him believe he had the upper hand. (Into camera) And then I sat back and watched Moriarty destroy my reputation bit by bit. (Flashback to Sherlock sitting on the floor in the lab at Bart’s, repeatedly bouncing a small ball off the cupboard in front of him.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): I had to make him believe he’d beaten me, utterly defeated me, and then he’d show his hand. (Various flashbacks of Sherlock and Jim on the rooftop, interspersed with Sherlock continuing to bounce the ball in the lab, and shts of Sherlock on the roof looking around the area surrounding Bart’s as if calculating escape routes.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): There were thirteen likely scenarios once we were up on that roof. Each of them were rigorously worked out and given a code name. It wasn’t just my reputation that Moriarty needed to bury – I had to die. (Brief sht of Sherlock falling from the roof and John’s anguished cry of his name.) (Flashback to the roof.) JIM: You can have me arrested ... (Flashback to Mrs Hudson bringing a mug of tea to the workman in her hallway, him gratefully accepting it and then putting one of his tools into his toolbox, revealing the gn and silncer lying inside.) JIM: ... you can trture me; you can do anything you like with me ... (Flashback to the plain clothes police officer looking ominously round to Greg in his office.) JIM: ... but nothing’s gonna prevent them from pulling the trigger. (Flashback to the snper assembling his rfle in a building overlooking the pavement outside Bart’s, while John is in a taxi on his way back to the hospital.) JIM: Your only three friends in the world will die ... unless ... SHERLOCK: ... unless I kll myself – complete your story. (Jim nods and smiles ecstatically.) JIM: You’ve gotta admit that’s sexier. (Flashback to Sherlock shaking Jim’s hand.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): But the one thing I didn’t anticipate was just how far Moriarty was prepared to go. I suppose that was obvious, given our first meeting at the swimming pool – his death wish. (Flashback to Moriarty shoving the pstol into his mouth and pulling the trigger, and Sherlock’s cry of alarm as he recoils in shock, then goes to the edge of the roof.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): I knew I didn’t have long. I contacted my brother; set the wheels in motion. (On the roof, Sherlock types a single word – LAZARUS – into his phone and sends the message.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): And then everyone got to work. (On the ground, a group of men carry a giant airbag – currently deflated – out into the street. Molly looks out of the window. Sherlock steps up onto the ledge. Beside the ambulance station, the team is rolling out the airbag. Molly closes her eyes briefly, then looks upwards. Standing a short distance away from the hospital, a woman looks up towards the roof as if awaiting a signal. John’s taxi continues on its way to the hospital. As the airbag team continue their work, other people are standing and waiting. One of them has a stethoscope around his neck. The first woman looks around and sees the man on the cycle waiting nearby, one foot on a pedal and ready to go. A few feet away a second cyclist pushes his bike into position. The first cyclist has an earpiece in his ear, and many of the others – possibly all of them – do too. A faint male voice can be heard, presumably relaying instructions through the earpieces. John’s taxi turns into the road near the ambulance station, and a large group of men comes around the corner. The taxi pulls up. Sherlock takes his phone from his pocket and sees a reply to his earlier text: LAZARUS IS GO John gets out of the taxi and heads towards the hospital, taking Sherlock’s phone call as he goes. Unseen by John – whose view is blocked by the ambulance station – the truck full of rubbish bags is in position by the bus stop, several people are waiting by the wall of the ambulance station, and the airbag is inflating just to the side of the station.) SHERLOCK (over phone): It’s a trick. Just a magic trick. JOHN (into phone): All right, stop it now. SHERLOCK: No, stay exactly where you are. Don’t move. (On the far side of the station, the team is carrying the airbag forward with blowers still attached to it as it continues to inflate. John’s attention is fully focussed on Sherlock.) JOHN (into phone): All right. (The team puts the airbag down on the road just behind the truck.) SHERLOCK: Keep your eyes fixed on me. (His voice becomes frantic.) Please, will you do this for me? (The woman takes a phone call, and the second cyclist gets onto his bike. Sherlock lowers his phone to his side, then drops it onto the roof.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): It was vital that John stayed just where I put him. That way, his view was blocked by the ambulance station. (John lowers his own phone and screams upwards.) JOHN: SHERLOCK! (Sherlock spreads his arms to either side and falls forward, plummeting towards the ground. Inside the building, Molly gasps as he falls past her window. We see from John’s point of view as the last thirty feet or so of the fall are blocked from his view by the station. Unseen by him, Sherlock is plunging towards the airbag, twisting as he goes.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): I needed to ht the airbag – which I did. (He has turned himself onto his back in mid-air and makes a perfect landing in the centre of the airbag. Immediately everyone else springs into action, running into position.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Speed was paramount. (He scrambles towards the edge, the team pushing the bag down to help him get off quickly.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): The airbag needed to be got out of the way just as John cleared the station. (The moment Sherlock is on the ground, the team picks up the airbag and starts to run towards the left-hand side of the station. John starts to run along the right-hand side of the station. More extras are running into position.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): But we needed him to see a body. (In the hospital, a body is lying on a stretcher dressed in a Belstaff coat and a blue scarf. Molly and two male team members haul the body up and shove it out of the open window. The body impacts the ground directly below where Sherlock fell.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): That’s where Molly came in. (He runs with the airbag team as they head around the left side of the station. On the other side of the station, the cyclist is pedalling after John.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Like figures on a weather clock, we went one way, John went the other. (John runs to the corner of the station, then slows down and stops in the middle of the road as he gets his first glimpse of the still figure lying on the pavement. The extras are already starting to gather around it, and the truck drives away.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Then our well-timed cyclist ... (The cyclist slams into John and sends him crashing to the ground.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... put John briefly out of action ... (At the other side of the station, a man is applying blood to Sherlock’s head. Two men come out of the hospital gates and race towards the body.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... giving me time to switch places with the corpse on the pavement. (The two men pick up the body and drag it away. While John lies on the ground struggling to remain conscious, Sherlock races in and lies on the ground, while the extras run in to surround him. The body is dragged back into the hospital grounds and the gates are closed.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): The rest was just window dressing. (A woman kneels down and pours a bag of blood onto the pavement around Sherlock’s head, and the man with the stethoscope applies more blood to Sherlock’s face. Grimacing with pain, John rolls onto his side and looks across to the pavement.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): And one final touch ... (While the extras finish applying blood to him, Sherlock reaches into his coat pocket and takes out the rubber ball he was playing with earlier.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... a squash ball under the armpit. (He reaches inside his shirt and pushes the ball under his right arm.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): Apply enough pressure and it momentarily cuts off the pulse. (Slowly John hauls himself to his feet and stumbles across the road, while one of the extras checks Sherlock’s right wrist to make sure there’s no pulse. John finally reaches the crowd.) JOHN: Let me come through, please. (The bystanders try to hold him back.) WOMAN: It’s all right ... JOHN: No, he’s my friend. WOMAN: It’s all right, it’s all right. JOHN: No, he’s my friend. (The woman continues trying to reassure him as John pushes forward to take Sherlock’s wrist.) JOHN: He’s my friend. Please, let me just check ... (The bystanders pull him away. A stretcher is wheeled over and, while John watches in anguish, the body is lifted onto it.) In front of the video camera, Sherlock looks dispassionately into the lens. Anderson is sitting on a chair on the other side of the camera. SHERLOCK: Everything was anticipated; every eventuality allowed for. It worked ... (he smiles slightly) ... perfectly. ANDERSON: Molly? Molly Hooper? She was in on it? SHERLOCK: Yes. You remember the little girl who was abducted by Moriarty? (Flashback to Claudette Bruhl screaming at the sight of Sherlock and pointing at him, and Lestrade dragging him out of the room.) LESTRADE: Get out! (Brief flashback of Anderson and Sally Donovan standing in front of Lestrade while they make him consider Sherlock’s guilt.) SHERLOCK: You assumed she reacted like that because I was her kidnapper. But I deduced Moriarty must have found someone who looked very like me to plant suspicion, and that that man – whoever he was – had to be got out of the way as soon as his usefulness ended. That meant there was a corpse in a morgue somewhere that looked just like me. (Anderson nods.) ANDERSON: Clever. SHERLOCK: Molly found the body, faked the records, and I provided the other coat. I’ve got lots of coats. ANDERSON: And what about the snper aiming at John? SHERLOCK: Mycroft’s men intervened before he could take the sht. He was invited to reconsider. (Cutaway sht to Mycroft answering his ringing phone.) MYCROFT: Is it done? (He listens for a moment.) MYCROFT: Good. (He hangs up.) ANDERSON: And your homeless network? SHERLOCK: As I explained, the whole street was closed off ... (he smiles) ... like a scene from a play. (Anderson looks at him thoughtfully.) SHERLOCK: Neat, don’t you think? (Anderson looks off to the side.) ANDERSON: Hmm. SHERLOCK: What? (Anderson shrugs.) ANDERSON: Not the way I’d have done it. SHERLOCK (folding his arms): Oh really? ANDERSON: No, I’m not saying it’s not clever, but ... SHERLOCK (sternly): What? (Anderson shrugs again and waves his arm about as if he’s searching for the right words.) ANDERSON: ... Bit ... disappointed. (Sherlock sighs.) SHERLOCK: Everyone’s a critic. Anyway, that’s not why I came. ANDERSON: No? SHERLOCK: No. I think you know why I’m here, Phillip. “How I Did It” by Jack the Ripper. (Anderson looks at him wide-eyed, his mouth opening but no words coming out for a moment. He lowers his head.) ANDERSON: Didn’t you think it was intriguing? (He looks hopefully up at Sherlock.) SHERLOCK (standing up): Lurid. A case so sensational, you hoped I’d be interested. But you overdid it, Phillip – you and your little ‘fan club’. (He starts to pace around him.) ANDERSON: I just couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I’d driven you to ... (He stops.) SHERLOCK: But you didn’t. You were always right. I wasn’t dad. ANDERSON (staring up at him as he continues to pace): No. No, and everything’s okay now, isn’t it? SHERLOCK: Yeah. (Anderson laughs in a relieved way.) SHERLOCK (stopping and looking down at him): Of course you’ve wasted police time, perverted the course of justice, risked distracting me from a massive trror1st asault that could have both destroyed Parliament and caused the death of hundreds of people. ANDERSON (tearfully): Oh, God. (He breaks down in tears, grabbing Sherlock and pulling him close.) ANDERSON: Oh, God, I’m sorry, Sherlock. I’m so sorry. (He hangs on to him and weeps against his coat. Tentatively Sherlock pats him on the shoulder a couple of times.) ANDERSON (abruptly stopping crying and looking round): Hang on. (He gets up and walks over to his wall of papers.) ANDERSON: That doesn’t make sense. (Behind him Sherlock rolls his eyes and quietly sighs with an exasperated sound.) ANDERSON: How could you be sure John would stand on that exact spot? I mean, what if he’d moved? (Sherlock quietly leaves the room.) ANDERSON (oblivious to his departure): Hey – how did you do it all so quickly? What if the bike hadn’t ht him? (Suspiciously) And anyway, why are you telling me all this? (He chuckles.) If you’d pulled that off, I’m the last person you’d tell the truth ... (Turning around, he trails off when he realises that he’s alone in the room. He stares for a moment, then chuckles. He switches between looking at all his paperwork and looking to where Sherlock had been standing.) ANDERSON (quietly, sounding amused): Sherlock Holmes! (He chuckles again, pointing to the spot where Sherlock had just been standing.) ANDERSON (even softer, with a combination of amusement and exasperation): Sherlock! (His chuckle slowly develops into laughter, and then into hysterical laughter as he tears at the papers on the wall, ripping them off and whooping and giggling. Eventually he collapses in the corner, rising up onto his knees to continue clawing at the papers and still laughing hysterically until he slumps back down again.) The whited-out scene fades back in again and John is standing in the Tube carriage with his eyes closed and his head raised. He grips the handrail and lowers his head, blwing out a long breath. Nearby it sounds as if Sherlock is crying. His head is lowered and the back of his hand is across his mouth as his body shakes with what seem to be sobs. John screws his eyes even more tightly closed. Sherlock lowers his hand and turns his head away, then turns back, hooting with laughter. John opens his eyes and looks across to him as Sherlock giggles in high-pitched hilarity. Staring at him, John steps forward and looks down at the countdown clock on the mother bmb. It is repeatedly flicking back and forth between 1:28 and 1:29. John turns away as if he can’t believe it. Flashback to Sherlock frantically staring down at the bmb while John turns away. Sherlock’s gaze immediately falls on a small switch on the side of the bmb. He grins, then squeezes his fingers down the side of the device to flick the switch. In the present, John turns back to look at the clock again and then stares upwards in disbelief. JOHN: You ... (Sherlock stands up, tears of mirth streaming down his cheeks.) SHERLOCK (laughing hysterically): Oh, your face! JOHN: ... utter ... SHERLOCK: Your face! JOHN: You ... (Sherlock grins.) SHERLOCK: I totally had you. JOHN: You cock! I knew it! I knew it! You f... SHERLOCK (simultaneously): Oh, those things you said – such sweet things! I-I never knew you cared(!) JOHN (glaring at him): I will kll you if you ever breathe a word of this ... SHERLOCK (grinning while holding up two fingers in a Boy Scout’s salute): Scout’s honour. JOHN: ... to anyone. You KNEW! SHERLOCK: Ahh. (He squats down to the bmb.) JOHN (furiously): You knew how to turn it off! SHERLOCK: There’s an Off switch. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: There’s always an Off switch. (John bends down to look at the switch.) SHERLOCK (standing up again): trrorists can get into all sorts of problems unless there’s an Off switch. JOHN (tightly): So why did you let me go through all that? SHERLOCK: I didn’t lie altogether. I’ve absolutely no idea how to turn any of these silly little lights off. (He chuckles and wipes the tears off his cheeks.) SHERLOCK: Oh! (Through the open door of the driver’s cab, a voice over a walkie-talkie radio can be heard, and flashlight beams are approaching. John stares, then points towards them.) JOHN: And you did call the police. SHERLOCK: ’Course I called the police. (Three armed officers are approaching, flashlights shining from their raised rfles.) JOHN: I’m definitely gonna kll you. SHERLOCK: Oh, please(!) klling me – that’s so two years ago. (Quirking a smile at John, he turns and heads towards the driver’s cab. Despite himself, John lets out a silent laugh. Sherlock chuckles as he continues on, and John lets out an exasperated sigh.) HOTEL. A uniformed female member of staff wheels a trolley along the corridor, presumably on her way to deliver a meal to one of the rooms. She passes Room 305 and the camera stops and focuses on the door. Your transcriber – exhausted and almost delirious by now – raises her eyebrows and hopes very much that this is the room in which Sherlock and John are celebrating their reunion. Sadly, it’s Lord Moran who opens the door and looks cautiously up and down the corridor before picking up his briefcase and leaving the room. When he gets to the lift he presses the Down button repeatedly, clearly not understanding that, like traffic lights, pushing the button more than once will never make things happen any more quickly. It doesn’t matter anyway, because almost immediately a gn is cocked behind his head and the muzzle held to the back of his neck. The gn is being held by the uniformed woman we just saw. As Moran raises his hands, two men run towards him from opposite directions, also aiming pstol at him. BAKER STREET. DAY TIME. Outside the door to 221B, reporters and photographers are milling around in the road. Over a phone can be heard the song “Do you hear the people sing?” from ‘Les Miserables’. Mycroft’s voice comes over the phone, his tone desperate. MYCROFT’s VOICE: Sherlock, please. I beg of you. You can take over at the interval. (Sherlock is in his bedroom, walking over to the wardrobe mirror and one-handedly buttoning his jacket over the Purple Shirt of Sex™.) SHERLOCK (into phone): Oh, I’m sorry, brother dear, but you made a promise. There’s nothing I can do to help. MYCROFT (over phone): But you don’t understand the pain of it – the horror! (Grinning, Sherlock ends the call and turns to John who is approaching along the corridor.) JOHN: Come on. You’ll have to go down. They want the story. (Rolling his eyes, Sherlock walks past him.) SHERLOCK: In a minute. (They walk into the living room where Mary is sitting on the sofa holding a glass of champagne. Mrs Hudson sits in the nearby chair and Greg is sitting in John’s chair, also holding a champagne glass. Sherlock pops the cork on a new bottle and walks across the room with the bottle and a glass, kneeling down beside the coffee table to pour.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, I’m really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date? MARY: Er, well we thought May. MRS HUDSON: Oh! Spring wedding! MARY: Yeah. Well, once we’ve actually got engaged. JOHN: Yeah. MARY (looking pointedly at Sherlock): We were interrupted last time. JOHN: Yeah. (Sherlock smiles at her.) LESTRADE: Well, I can’t wait. (He raises his glass in a toast. John, who has just put his jacket on, smiles round at him. Putting down the glass he just poured, Sherlock stands up and walks across towards the far window.) MARY: You will be there, Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Weddings – not really my thing. (He looks across and winks at her. She smiles. The door opens.) MOLLY: Hello, everyone. JOHN: Hey, Molly. MOLLY (holding hands with the man accompanying her): This is Tom. (John stares at her boyfriend, almost does a double-take and then looks across the room to where Sherlock is looking out of the window.) MOLLY: Tom, this is everyone. TOM: Hi. (John continues to look at him in surprise. The man could practically cosplay Sherlock at any respectable fandom convention. He is tall and slender, has dark curly hair – a little shorter than Sherlock’s – and has large pale blue eyes and prominent cheekbones. He is wearing a dark coat with the collar turned up and the scarf around his neck is tied the same way that Sherlock ties his.) LESTRADE: Hi. TOM: It’s really nice to meet you all. (He looks at John.) Hi. (John looks him up and down, grinning, then finally pulls himself together.) JOHN: Wow. Yeah, hi. I’m John. (He shakes his hand.) Good to meet you. (He looks across to Sherlock, who turns round from the window.) SHERLOCK: Ready? JOHN: Ready. (Tom turns to meet Sherlock, who smiles down at Greg as he walks past him, then catches sight of Tom for the first time. He stops dad and his eyes widen. Tom looks at him equally wide-eyed as Sherlock gives him the once-over from his feet upwards.) LESTRADE (walking across the room behind them): Champagne? MOLLY: Yes. (Sherlock’s jaw drops open a little and he turns his eyes towards John, who grins back at him expectantly. Finally Sherlock holds out his hand to Tom, and they shake hands. Glancing down at Molly, Sherlock walks in between the couple and out of the door. Tom turns to watch him go. Greg hands Molly a glass of champagne.) MOLLY: Thanks. (John starts to follow Sherlock, but stops briefly to take another look at Tom, who is taking a glass from Greg.) TOM: Thank you. (Still apparently not quite able to take in the similarity, John heads out of the room and closes the door behind him. Mrs Hudson gestures Tom towards the sofa.) MRS HUDSON: Sit down, love. TOM: Oh, thanks. (As he walks over there, Greg turns to Molly.) LESTRADE: So, um, is it serious, you two? MOLLY (smiling): Yeah! I’ve moved on! (A little doubtfully, Greg looks across to Tom who is already being chatted to by Mary and Mrs H. Outside on the landing, John walks over to Sherlock, who is looping his scarf around his neck. John points back towards the door.) JOHN (quietly): Did you, er ...? SHERLOCK (quietly): I’m not saying a word. JOHN: No, best not. (Sherlock looks down at how he has just tied his scarf, then throws up his hands with an exasperated expression and sighs. John looks at the door again, then turns back to Sherlock.) JOHN: I’m still waiting. SHERLOCK: Hmm? JOHN: Why did they try and kll me? If they knew you were on to them, why go after me – put me in the bonfire? SHERLOCK (picking up his coat): I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing. (He trots down the stairs, John following.) SHERLOCK: Unlike the nicely embellished fictions on your blog, John, real life is rarely so neat. (He stops at the bottom of the stairs to put his coat on. John stops a couple of steps from the bottom.) SHERLOCK: I don’t know who was behind all this, but I will find out, I promise you. JOHN: Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this. SHERLOCK (not looking round): Hmm? JOHN: Being back. Being a hero again. SHERLOCK: Oh, don’t be stupid. JOHN: You’d have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it. SHERLOCK (turning to face him): Love what? JOHN: Being Sherlock Holmes. SHERLOCK: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. (He turns and walks down the hall, putting his gloves on.) JOHN: Sherlock, you are gonna tell me how you did it? How you jumped off that building and survived? SHERLOCK (stopping but not turning round): You know my methods, John. I am known to be indestructible. JOHN: No, but seriously. When you were dad, I went to your grave. SHERLOCK: I should hope so. JOHN: I made a little speech. I actually spoke to you. SHERLOCK (turning to look at him): I know. I was there. JOHN: I asked you for one more miracle. I asked you to stop being dad. SHERLOCK (softly): I heard you. (They look at each other for a moment, then Sherlock draws in a sharp breath and turns round.) SHERLOCK: Anyway, time to go and be Sherlock Holmes. (He smiles and starts towards the door, then hesitates for a moment and reaches to the coat rack. Taking his deerstalker from its peg, he puts it onto his head and tugs it into position, then opens the front door and goes out to meet the reporters as they gather round him, taking photos and shouting questions. John closes the door and steps to his side.) Somewhere in a creepy-looking storage room, or laboratory, or warehouse, many rows of shelves are filled with files and folders. Displayed around the room are grotesque dolls, stuffed animals and sculptures. At the end of the room, a man wearing thin-rimmed glasses is watching film or CCTV footage displayed on the wall. It shows several angles of John being rescued from the bonfire. Some of it is on a loop, and Mary’s anguished cry of “John!” repeats several times while Sherlock drags John out from underneath the bonfire. The man watches intently as the footage repeats over and over again, and his gaze finally settles on a freeze-frame of Sherlock leaning down to the f*re just before he pulls John free. The man looks fixedly at Sherlock’s image ... and his pupils rapidly contract.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "03x01 - The Empty Hearse"}	foreverdreaming
EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO. A newspaper article is headed, “BANK gng LEAVE COPS CLUELESS”. The accompanying photograph shows two men outside a court holding their hands up in front of their faces so they cannot be recognised in the pictures. At the entrance to the court itself Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade and Detective Sergeant Sally Donovan walk briskly out through the door. LESTRADE: They just walked out of there! DONOVAN: Yeah, I know. I was sort of sitting next to you. LESTRADE: The whole Waters family! They just walked right out of there! DONOVAN: Again, I was in the room. LESTRADE (angrily): How do they always manage that? DONOVAN: They’re good. LESTRADE: They’re greedy, and they’ll do it again, and next time we’re gonna catch ’em in the act. DONOVAN: How? TWELVE MONTHS AGO. A newspaper article is headed, “WHO STOLE OUR TWO MILL?” and shows police officers standing in a cordoned-off area outside a building, with a car parked behind the cordon. In real life, Greg gets into the driver’s seat of the car and angrily slams the door closed. Sally is sitting in the passenger seat. DONOVAN: No good? LESTRADE: They always know we’re coming. (Furiously) How do they always know? DONOVAN: They’re good. They work at it. LESTRADE: They’re never gonna stop. DONOVAN: Well, neither are we. SIX MONTHS AGO. A new headline reads, “POLICE ARE NO CLOSER TO WATERS gng CONVICTION” and the photograph again shows the court. Greg storms out of the building with Sally behind him. He lets out an angry incoherent noise as he walks away. THREE MONTHS AGO. This time the headline reads, “Waters gng walk free – again!” and there is another photo of two men near the court, covering their faces against the photographers. On the steps outside the court, two uniformed police officers stand and watch while Greg repeatedly kicks the living daylights out of the back tyre of his car, grunting with fury. Sally stands beside the driver’s door and helplessly watches him. Finally she has had enough. DONOVAN (loudly): Greg! (Greg gestures dramatically at her.) LESTRADE (loudly): In the act! The only way we’re gonna do this! In. The. Act! (He kicks the tyre once more and then storms forward and angrily tugs the driver’s door open, inadvertently shoving Sally out of the way.) YESTERDAY. A man wearing a gruesome clown’s mask and holding a sawn-off gn looks around a bank vault and then turns to where a second man, wearing a different but equally horrid-looking mask, straightens up from typing on a laptop. A third masked man is inside a nearby open strong room and is slowly carrying three heavy gold ingots toward the door. The laptop screen shows, “ALARMS OFFLINE”. The second man goes into the strong room where hundreds of gold ingots are stacked up on a couple of pallets. He lifts three ingots on top of each other, then hauls them up in his hands and makes his way out. On a different laptop the screen shows the same information as the one in the vault but this one now displays a second message reading, “* HACKING DETECTED”. In a car outside the bank, Sally sits in the passenger seat with the laptop on her lap. The rooftop lights of nearby police cars are flashing and police officers are walking around. Greg sits beside her. LESTRADE: You still blocking it? DONOVAN: Yeah. Very efficiently hacked. They must be bloody pleased with themselves. LESTRADE: They must be! (He smiles at her.) (Inside the strong room the third clown is looking down at the two pallets, which are now empty. The second clown walks over to him and puts his hand on his shoulder. Outside, armed police begin to run into the bank. Greg and Sally are out of the car and Greg gestures to her as they follow the others.) LESTRADE: Right then? DONOVAN: Oh, no! No, you’ve gotta make the arrest. This one’s yours, boss. LESTRADE: You’ve never called me ‘boss’ before. DONOVAN: Ah, well, look what happens when you’re good! (They both grin as they walk on.) LESTRADE: You know how most days aren’t good days? This is a good day. DONOVAN: Not for the Waters family. (Greg’s phone beeps a text alert. He looks down towards his pocket and grimaces, but then ignores it.) DONOVAN: Okay: ten men on the roof; all exits covered; the bank’s closed, so there are no hostages to worry about ... (Greg’s phone beeps again. Again he grimaces and Sally looks round at him.) LESTRADE: Sorry, no, go on, go on. DONOVAN: Um, we’ve got the tunnel entrance covered; and Davies, Willard and Christie are heading up our Response on Mafeking Road. (Greg’s phone beeps twice more. He takes it from his pocket and stops to look at it.) LESTRADE: Sorry, I’d better get this. DONOVAN (continuing onwards with the other officers): It’s him, isn’t it? (Greg’s face fills with shock as he reads the string of messages he has received: HELP. BAKER ST. NOW. HELP ME. PLEASE. He looks up at Sally.) LESTRADE: I-I, I have to go. DONOVAN (turning back in surprise): What?! LESTRADE: You make the arrest. DONOVAN: No way! LESTRADE: Sorry. You’ll be fine. I’m-I’m-I’m cool with this. DONOVAN: Jones’ll get all the credit if you leave now! You know he will! (Greg hesitates, clearly reluctant to give up his chance for success.) LESTRADE: Yeah, but d... It doesn’t matter. I have to go. (He turns and hurries away. Sally watches him for a moment, grimacing, then continues on with the other officers. Outside, Greg is running for his car, making a phone call as he goes.) LESTRADE (into phone): Back-up. I need maximum back-up. Baker Street, now! (He gets into his car and speeds off.) 221B BAKER STREET. Greg races up the stairs and into the living room. LESTRADE (breathlessly): What’s going on? (Sherlock is sitting at the dining table looking at his laptop. The fingers of both his hands are pressed into his temples.) SHERLOCK: This is hard. LESTRADE: What? SHERLOCK: Really hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (Lowering his hands, he picks up a book and holds it up to show Greg. The book is called “How to write an unforgettable best man speech”.) SHERLOCK: Have you any funny stories about John? (Greg stares at him in disbelief. Outside, police cars are sirening their way into Baker Street and screeching to a halt.) LESTRADE: What?! (Putting the book down, Sherlock looks up at him.) SHERLOCK: I need anecdotes. (He seems to notice Greg’s expression.) SHERLOCK: Didn’t go to any trouble, did you? (Greg stares at him, still breathing heavily. Outside, an ambulance is sirening its way up the road, and a helicopter can be heard approaching. Sherlock’s eyes shift sideways as he becomes aware of the noise outside, and the curtains in the open window behind him billow inwards as the helicopter hovers lower. Sherlock looks round as the billowing curtains knock some sheet music off its stand. Greg closes his eyes in exasperation.) OPENING CREDITS. At 221B Baker Street, violin playing can be heard, playing a gentle waltz. Mrs Hudson comes out of 221A carrying a tray of tea things. She stops, smiling with delight at the sound of the music, then goes up the stairs. The living room door is closed and she stops outside for a moment, then opens the door. Inside, Sherlock isn’t playing his violin as she believed. Instead, wearing a camel coloured dressing gown over his clothes, he is waltzing around the room on his own, holding an imaginary partner as he dances in time to the music. He glances over his shoulder as his landlady walks in. SHERLOCK: Shut up, Mrs Hudson. MRS HUDSON: I haven’t said a word. SHERLOCK (sighing as he continues to waltz): You’re formulating a question. It’s physically painful watching you thinking. (He stops dancing.) MRS HUDSON: I thought it was you playing. SHERLOCK: It was me playing. (He picks up a remote control, switches off the music player and bends down to make a notation on the sheet music lying on the table.) SHERLOCK: I am composing. MRS HUDSON (putting her tray onto the table beside John’s chair): You were dancing. SHERLOCK: I was road-testing. MRS HUDSON: You what? SHERLOCK (throwing down his pen and turning to her): Why are you here? MRS HUDSON: I’m bringing you your morning tea. (She pours some milk into the teacup.) You’re not usually awake. SHERLOCK (sitting down in his chair): You bring me tea in the morning? MRS HUDSON (pouring the tea): Well, where d’you think it came from?! SHERLOCK: I don’t know. I just thought it sort of happened. MRS HUDSON: Your mother has a lot to answer for. (She takes the cup and saucer over to him.) SHERLOCK: Mm, I know. I have a list. Mycroft has a file. (Giggling, Mrs H sits down in John’s chair.) MRS HUDSON (excitedly): So – it’s the big day, then! SHERLOCK (taking a sip of tea): What big day? MRS HUDSON: The wedding! John and Mary getting married! SHERLOCK: Two people who currently live together are about to attend church, have a party, go on a short holiday and then carry on living together. What’s big about that? MRS HUDSON: It changes people, marriage. SHERLOCK: Mmm, no it doesn’t. MRS HUDSON: Well, you wouldn’t understand ’cause you always live alone. (Sherlock is lifting his teacup to his mouth but stops momentarily.) SHERLOCK: Your husband was excuted for double mrder. You’re hardly an advert for companionship. (He drinks.) MRS HUDSON: Marriage changes you as a person, in ways that you can’t imagine. SHERLOCK: As does lethal injection. (He smiles pointedly at her.) MRS HUDSON: My best friend, Margaret – she was my chief bridesmaid. (Putting his cup down on the table beside him, Sherlock rolls his eyes.) MRS HUDSON: We were going to be best friends forever, we always said that; but I hardly saw her after that. SHERLOCK (standing up): Aren’t there usually biscuits? MRS HUDSON: I’ve run out. SHERLOCK: Have the shops? (He pointedly walks towards the door.) MRS HUDSON: She cried the whole day, saying, “Ooh, it’s the end of an era.” SHERLOCK (gesturing towards the stairs): I’m sure the shop on the corner is open. MRS HUDSON: She was probably right, really. (Sherlock closes his eyes and grimaces.) MRS HUDSON: I remember she left early. I mean, who leaves a wedding early? (She shakes her head.) So sad. SHERLOCK: Mmm. Anyway, you’ve got things to do. MRS HUDSON: No, not really. I’ve got plenty of time to ... SHERLOCK (sternly): Biscuits. (She gets out of her chair, tutting.) MRS HUDSON (walking towards the door): I really am going to have a word with your mother. SHERLOCK: You can if you like. She understands very little. (He closes the door on her, then turns around sighing. He looks towards John’s chair for a few moments, then walks through the kitchen and down the hallway.) SHERLOCK (taking off his dressing gown): Right, then. (He walks through his bedroom to his wardrobe, where a morning suit is hanging from the open door. He looks at it.) SHERLOCK: Into battle. A man is doing up the buttons on the jacket of his military dress uniform. Although it would seem easier to use two hands to do this, he is only using his right hand. A suitcase is on the nearby bed and laid out beside it is a white webbing belt, a pair of white gloves, a military cap and a ceremonial sword. The man reaches down and picks up the belt and swings it around the left-hand side of his waist and then clamps it to his side with his left arm and now we see why he is only using his right hand. His left hand has been badly brned in the past and is very scarred. It is clear that he is unable to use this hand. Reaching behind himself he tugs the belt around his waist, pulls it tight and does it up. He bends down to the cap, picks it up and puts it on, and we now see that the left side of his face is also severely scarred. He stares ahead of himself as he straightens his jacket. Church bells peal and the doors to a church open. John and Mary, newly married, walk out followed by Sherlock and the chief bridesmaid, whose name is Janine, then two more bridesmaids and the vicar. A photographer is waiting outside. PHOTOGRAPHER: Congratulations! Okay, hold it there – I wanna get this sht of the newlyweds. (John and Mary stop and the bridesmaids stand behind them. Sherlock steps to Mary’s side.) PHOTOGRAPHER: Er, just the bride and groom, please. (Sherlock doesn’t move. John looks round at him.) JOHN: Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Oh, sorry. (He walks out of sht.) PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay – three, two, one, cheese! (The bridesmaids throw handfuls of confetti into the air and the photographer starts taking pictures. The rest of the congregation come out and the photo-taking continues, including one of John, Sherlock and Greg standing side by side, with a young pageboy – about eight years old – standing in front of them wearing either John’s or Sherlock’s top hat. Later, the photographer takes a picture of Sherlock and Janine. Nearby, Molly stands with her fiancé Tom. She is gazing at Sherlock and if she really believes that she has “moved on”, her expression suggests that she’s not fooling anyone but herself. After the photographer has finished with them, Janine looks round at Sherlock.) JANINE: The famous Mr Holmes! I’m very pleased to meet you. But no sex, okay? SHERLOCK (startled): Um, sorry? JANINE (laughing): You don’t have to look so scared. I’m only messing. Bridesmaid, best man ... It’s a bit traditional. (She gently punches his arm. He looks down with distaste.) SHERLOCK: Is it? JANINE (a little awkwardly): But not obligatory(!) SHERLOCK: If that’s the sort of thing you’re looking for ... (he jerks his head towards one of the wedding guests) ... the man over there in blue is your best bet. Recently divorced doctor with a ginger cat ... (there’s a close-up of a ginger cat hair stuck on the man’s suit, and the sound of a miaow) ... a barn conversion ... (close-up of sawdust on the man’s shoes) ... and a history of erectile dysfunction. (The close-up pulls out a little to reveal that the man is wearing cowboy boots. There’s the sound of a bllet ricocheting off something with a high-pitched ping, like in a Western movie. Sherlock blinks.) SHERLOCK: Reviewing that information, possibly not your best bet. JANINE: Yeah, maybe not. SHERLOCK (looking puzzled): Sorry – there was one more deduction there than I was expecting. JANINE: Mr Holmes ... (she takes his arm) ... you’re going to be incredibly useful. (Again Sherlock looks down at her hand. He frowns.) Later, John and Mary, with Sherlock at John’s side, are standing outside the venue for the reception, greeting the guests. MARY (shaking a man’s hand): Hello. Lovely to meet you. (She then kisses a woman. The woman moves on to kiss John, and another man moves in to kiss Mary.) MARY: How are you? MAN: You look beautiful, Mary. MARY: Thank you! MAN: Congratulations. (More guests move past the three of them, then a man wearing a lurid purple tie comes forward. Mary looks at him with delight.) MARY: David! (She reaches out her arms ready to hug him. He leans away, laughing nervously, and just clasps her arms briefly.) DAVID: Mary. Congratulations. You look, um, very nice. (He quickly moves away from her. Mary looks puzzled. He shakes John’s hand.) DAVID: John, congratulations. You’re a lucky man. JOHN: Thank you. MARY: Um, er, David, this is Sherlock. (Sherlock smiles at him, tight-lipped.) DAVID: Um, yeah. We’ve, um, we’ve met. (He looks down nervously.) FLASHBACK. David, sitting at the dining table in 221B, looks round the room and then turns to where Sherlock is sitting opposite him holding a pen. DAVID: So, what exactly are my duties as an usher? (He picks up the Sudokube from the desk [Click for image] and idly plays with it. Sherlock frowns disapprovingly, then puts down his pen and folds his hands.) SHERLOCK: Let’s talk about Mary, first. DAVID: Sorry, what? SHERLOCK: Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years. DAVID: A-ages ago. We’re j... we’re just good friends now. SHERLOCK: Is that a fact? (He looks down at his notes in front of him.) SHERLOCK: Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location, suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photographs of the happy couple, Mary takes centre frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded. DAVID (laughing uncomfortably): You can’t assume from that I’ve still got some kind of interest in Mary. SHERLOCK: You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defence? (David opens his mouth but is unable to speak.) SHERLOCK (looking down and making a note): I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to ‘casual acquaintance’. No more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John’s presence. (He puts the pen down again and folds his hands, looking at David intently.) SHERLOCK: I have your contact details. I will be monitoring. DAVID (a little wide-eyed): They’re right about you. You’re a bloody psychopath. SHERLOCK: High-functioning sociopath ... with your number. (He grins manically, showing a lot of teeth, then drops the smile and steeples his hands in front of his chin. David looks down, then lets out a nervous breath and gets up and walks away. Sherlock picks up the Sudokube and puts it back into its proper position on the table.) THE PRESENT. David makes a couple of anxious noises, waves briefly to Mary and goes indoors. John looks round at Sherlock with a curious expression but Sherlock raises his head and looks inscrutable. The next guest approaches. MARY: Hello! (The greetings continue. A woman in a black and white dress approaches and kisses Mary.) MARY: Pleased to see you. (The woman moves on to kiss and hug John.) WOMAN: Congratulations. JOHN: Thanks for coming, thank you. (The young pageboy is standing a few paces away. Mary smiles down at him but the boy runs straight to Sherlock and wraps his arms around him, smiling happily. Sherlock looks awkwardly down at him.) SHERLOCK: Mm, yes, um, well done in the service, Archie. (The woman in the black and white dress, obviously Archie’s mother, smiles at them.) MUM: He’s really come out of his shell. I don’t know how you did it. SHERLOCK: Um ... FLASHBACK. 221B. Sherlock sits in his chair and looks at Archie sitting in John’s chair. SHERLOCK: Basically it’s a cute smile to the bride’s side, cute smile to the groom’s side and then the rings. ARCHIE (instantly): No. SHERLOCK: And you have to wear the outfit. ARCHIE (instantly): No. SHERLOCK: You really do have to wear the outfit. ARCHIE (instantly): What for? SHERLOCK: Grown-ups like that sort of thing. ARCHIE (instantly): Why? (Sherlock pauses for a moment.) SHERLOCK: ... I don’t know. I’ll ask one. ARCHIE (thoughtfully): You’re a detective. SHERLOCK: Yep. (He pops the ‘p’ loudly.) ARCHIE: Have you solved any mrder? SHERLOCK: Sure. Loads. ARCHIE: Can I see? SHERLOCK (after only a momentary hesitation): Yeah, all right. (They get up and go over to the laptop on the dining table. Sherlock shows him a series of pictures – which we can’t see – and after a while Archie leans in to look more closely at an image.) ARCHIE: What’s all the stuff in his eye? SHERLOCK: Maggots. ARCHIE: Cool! SHERLOCK (looking at him for a moment): Mm! THE PRESENT. Archie is still hugging Sherlock. MUM: He said you had some pictures for him, as a treat. SHERLOCK: Er, yes ... (he pats Archie’s head) ... if he’s good. ARCHIE (turning to look at his mum): Beheadings. SHERLOCK (quickly): Lovely little village. (He unwraps Archie from around him and gently pushes him towards the entrance.) MUM: Hmm? (She looks down at Archie as they go inside.) What did you say? INSIDE. Molly is canoodling with Tom, repeatedly kissing his cheek. Tom indicates that the photographer is approaching them, and she turns and smiles into the camera as he takes some pictures. PHOTOGRAPHER: Nice. (He moves on to the next nearest couple, who are Mrs Hudson and what must surely be Mr Chatterjee from the sandwich shop. She smiles happily for the camera; Mr Chatterjee doesn’t look quite so happy to be there. The photographer turns and snaps several pictures of Greg sitting at a table and drinking. Greg raises his glass to him. John and Mary are standing nearby. John indicates as a waiter approaches with a plate of canapés.) JOHN: Oh, d’you want ...? MARY (taking one from the plate): I’m starving. JOHN (declining the waiter’s offer of the plate): Thanks. MARY: Had to lose so much weight to get into this dress. (John chuckles. Sherlock and Janine are standing together a short distance away. Janine looks admiringly at the waiter as he walks past.) JANINE: He’s nice. (Sherlock sniffs deeply.) SHERLOCK: Traces of two leading brands of deodorant, both advertised for their strength, suggestive of a chronic body odour problem manifesting under stress. JANINE: Okay, done there. What about his friend? (Sherlock turns to look where she’s looking. In the nearby kitchen, another waiter is carefully pulling out the skewer from the middle of a large joint of roast beef.) SHERLOCK: Long-term relationship, compulsive cheat. JANINE: Seriously? SHERLOCK: Waterproof cover on his smartphone. (Close-up of the phone in the man’s jacket pocket.) Yet his complexion doesn’t indicate outdoor work. (Close-up of the man’s face.) Suggests he’s in the habit of taking his phone into the shower with him, which means he often receives texts and emails he’d rather went unseen. JANINE: Can I keep you? SHERLOCK: D’you like solving crimes? JANINE: Do you have a vacancy? (Sherlock’s eyes drift over to John, then he looks away again. Mary puts a hand on John’s shoulder.) MARY: So, Harry? JOHN: Er, no. No show. MARY: Darling, I’m so sorry. JOHN: It was a bit of a punt asking her, I suppose. Still, free bar – wouldn’t have been a good mix. (He looks down, then raises his eyes towards the entrance and looks surprised.) JOHN: Oh, God, wow! (The scarred uniformed man we saw earlier has just walked in.) MARY: Oh, G... Is that ...? JOHN: He came! (As Mary smiles with delight, John walks over to the man and they salute each other. Sherlock walks over to Mary.) SHERLOCK: So that’s him. Major Sholto. (His voice sounds disapproving.) MARY: Uh-huh. (Sherlock narrows his eyes as he looks at the two men.) SHERLOCK: If they’re such good friends, why does he barely even mention him? MARY: He mentions him all the time to me. He never shuts up about him. SHERLOCK: About him? MARY: Mm-hmm. (She takes a drink from her wine glass, then grimaces.) MARY: Urgh. I chose this wine. It’s bloody awful. SHERLOCK: Yes, but it’s definitely him that he talks about? MARY: Mm-hmm. (At the entrance) JOHN: I’m very, very glad to see you, sir. I know you don’t really do this sort of thing. SHOLTO: Well, I do for old friends, Watson ... John. It’s good to see you. JOHN: You too. (Sholto nods, then looks around the room.) SHOLTO: Civilian life suiting you, then? JOHN: Er, er, yes, well ... (he gestures towards Mary) ... I think so, sir. SHOLTO: No more need for the trick cyclist? JOHN: No, I-I go now and then. Sort of a top-up. (Sholto nods.) JOHN: Therapy can be very helpful. (Sholto looks away.) JOHN: Where are you living these days? SHOLTO: Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere. You wouldn’t know it. (Back at Sherlock and Mary) SHERLOCK: I’ve never even heard him say his name. MARY: Well, he’s almost a recluse – you know, since ... SHERLOCK: Yes. MARY: I didn’t think he’d show up at all. John says he’s the most unsociable man he’s ever met. SHERLOCK: He is? He’s the most unsociable? MARY: Mm. SHERLOCK: Ah, that’s why he’s bouncing round him like a puppy. (Mary grins and hugs his arm.) MARY: Oh, Sherlock! Neither of us were the first, you know. (He looks round at her.) SHERLOCK: Stop smiling. MARY: It’s my wedding day! (Rolling his eyes, Sherlock pulls free and walks away. She takes another drink from her wine glass, then pulls a face.) Elsewhere, the camera pans across the interior of a grand building and into a room with a large old painting on the wall and a suit of armour standing nearby. A steady regular thumping sound can be heard. The camera pans around the corner and reveals a running machine. Mycroft – dressed in gym clothes – is jogging on the machine. After a while he switches it off and jumps off, breathing heavily. He walks a few paces away, then stops and lifts his top to examine his stomach, patting it reflectively and looking quite pleased with himself. On a nearby table, his phone rings. He picks it up and answers. MYCROFT (breathlessly): Yes, what, Sherlock? SHERLOCK (walking through the reception room as he talks into his phone): Why are you out of breath? MYCROFT: Filing. SHERLOCK: Either I’ve caught you in a compromising position or you’ve been working out again. I favour the latter. MYCROFT: What do you want? SHERLOCK: I need your answer, Mycroft, as a matter of urgency. MYCROFT: “Answer”? SHERLOCK: Even at the eleventh hour it’s not too late, you know. MYCROFT (sighing): Oh, Lord. SHERLOCK: Cars can be ordered, private jets commandeered. MYCROFT: Today. It’s today, isn’t it? No, Sherlock, I will not be coming to the “night do”, as you so poetically put it. SHERLOCK (insincerely): What a shame. Mary and John will be extremely d... MYCROFT: ... delighted not to have me hanging around. SHERLOCK: Oh, I don’t know. There should always be a spectre at the feast. MYCROFT (picking up a glass of juice from the table): So, this is it, then. The big day. (He sits down in an armchair.) I suppose I’ll be seeing a lot more of you from now on. SHERLOCK: What do you mean? MYCROFT: Just like old times. SHERLOCK: No, I don’t understand. MYCROFT: Well, it’s the end of an era, isn’t it? John and Mary – domestic bliss. SHERLOCK: No, no, no – I prefer to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter. (Mycroft simply smiles.) SHERLOCK: What? MYCROFT: Nothing! SHERLOCK: I know that silence. What? MYCROFT: Well, I’d better let you get back to it. You have a big speech, or something, don’t you? SHERLOCK (still demanding an answer to his previous question): What? MYCROFT: Cake, karaoke ... mingling. SHERLOCK (angrily): Mycroft! MYCROFT: This is what people do, Sherlock – they get married. I warned you: don’t get involved. SHERLOCK: Involved? I’m not involved. MYCROFT (disbelievingly): No. SHERLOCK: John asked me to be his best man. How could I say no? MYCROFT (insincerely): Absolutely! SHERLOCK: I’m not involved! MYCROFT (insincerely): I believe you! Really, I do! Have a lovely day, and do give the happy couple my best. SHERLOCK: I will. (He lowers the phone, about to switch it off when Mycroft speaks again.) MYCROFT: Oh, by the way, Sherlock – do you remember Redbeard? (Sherlock’s jaw tightens.) SHERLOCK: I’m not a child any more, Mycroft. MYCROFT: No, of course you’re not. Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock. (Sherlock hangs up. He looks down for a moment, then walks across the room towards the top table.) Fast-forward – literally – through the wedding meal as the guests eat their way through the three courses and drink lots of champagne, and then the Master of Ceremonies – or possibly just the head waiter – taps a spoon against a champagne glass to get everyone’s attention. MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Pray silence for the best man. (The guests applaud and cheer as Sherlock rises to his feet at the top table. John and Mary are sitting to his right; Janine to his left. He buttons his jacket, looking a little uncomfortable.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends ... and ... erm ... others. (He stops and blinks. There’s an awkward pause.) SHERLOCK: Er ... w... (John narrows his eyes and looks up at him.) SHERLOCK: A-a-also ... (Mary lifts a thumb to her mouth, rubbing it on her top lip. Mrs Hudson looks nervous and Greg sits back a little, looking concerned.) FLASHBACK. Greg walks into Molly’s lab at Bart’s. MOLLY: Greg. LESTRADE: Molly. MOLLY (turning to him): I just had a thought. (She is holding a large metal bowl in front of her. He looks into it.) LESTRADE: Is that a brain?! MOLLY: What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man? LESTRADE: Well, he will, won’t he? He’s bound to. MOLLY: Exactly. LESTRADE: So? MOLLY: So he’ll have to make a speech in front of people. (Greg gazes into the distance as if realising the ramifications of this for the first time.) MOLLY: There’ll be actual people there, actually listening. LESTRADE (tentatively): Well, what’s the worst that could happen? MOLLY: Helen-Louise probably wondered the same. LESTRADE: Helen-Louise? (Molly looks down at the brain in her bowl.) FLASHBACK. Mrs Hudson, sitting in her kitchen, answers the phone. MRS HUDSON: Oh, hallo, dear. (Molly is on the other end of the line, again in her lab. She is wearing safety goggles and there is blood spatter on her lab coat. She is holding an electric bone saw in the blood-covered glove on her other hand.) MOLLY (into phone): I was just thinking. If-if John does ask Sherlock ... MRS HUDSON: What, the speech, dear? No, it’ll be fine. MOLLY: It-it’s not just the speech, though, is it? Shortly afterwards, John lets himself in the front door of 221 and walks towards the stairs. High-pitched hysterical noises are coming through the open door of 221A. As the noises continue, punctuated with an occasional squeal of “Oh, dear!” and “Oh, brilliant!” John goes into her flat and looks into the kitchen in concern. JOHN: Mrs Hudson? (She waves to him from the table, laughing hysterically.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, hello, darling! (She continues to giggle.) JOHN: You all right? (She covers her mouth, laughing.) JOHN: I was – I was coming to see Sherlock, and I thought you were ... MRS HUDSON (giggling): Go! JOHN: ... possibly dying. (He grins at the sight of her mirth.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, sorry! (She continues laughing.) JOHN: What’s wrong? MRS HUDSON: The-the telegrams! (She giggles.) JOHN: Sorry, what? MRS HUDSON (giggling): Oh, sorry, dear! (Standing up, she pats his arm and walks away, still shrieking with laughter. John looks bemused.) THE PRESENT. John closes his eyes in realisation. JOHN (quietly): Telegrams. (Mary looks at him and Sherlock jolts out of his blankness.) SHERLOCK: Right, um ... (He pats his pockets, then seems to realise that the telegrams are in a pile in front of him. John clears his throat. Sherlock does likewise and looks at the guests, swallowing hard.) SHERLOCK: First things first. Telegrams. (He picks them up and shows them to the guests.) SHERLOCK (quick-fre): Well, they’re not actually telegrams. We just call them telegrams. I don’t know why. Wedding tradition. (He lifts the first card.) SHERLOCK (sarcastically): ... because we don’t have enough of that already, apparently. (John narrows his eyes a little.) SHERLOCK (reading): “To Mr and Mrs Watson. So sorry I’m unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stamford.” JOHN: Ah, Mike. MARY: Ahh! SHERLOCK (reading the next card): “To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big ... (he breaks off, then continues slowly) ... big squishy cuddles, from Stella and Ted.” (He looks up, blinking rapidly. Greg sniggers and Molly smiles.) SHERLOCK (reading the next card): “Mary – lots of love, ...” (He breathes out an almost silent, ‘Oh’. John and Mary look up at him.) JOHN: Yeah? SHERLOCK (disparagingly): “... poppet ...” (He loudly sounds the ‘t’ at the end of the word. John and Mary giggle.) SHERLOCK: “... Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from CAM.” (Mary’s smile fades. Sherlock continues reading the message.) SHERLOCK: “Wish your family could have seen this.” (John looks round and sees Mary’s face. He reaches out and takes her hand.) JOHN: Hey. Hmm? (She smiles reassuringly at him.) SHERLOCK (looking at the next card): Um, “special day” ... (he drops the card onto the table and looks at the next one) ... “very special day” ... (he drops that one, then continues working rapidly through the next ones) ... “love” ... “love” ... “love” ... “love” ... “lo...”; bit of a theme – you get the gist. People are basically fond. (There’s some laughter from the guests.) SHERLOCK (looking at them): John Watson. (He gestures towards John.) My friend, John Watson. (He looks down for a moment, then looks at John.) John. (John smiles at him. Sherlock turns to his audience again.) SHERLOCK: When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused. FLASHBACK. John trots up the stairs to 221B. JOHN: Sherlock? SHERLOCK: What was that noise downstairs? (John turns into the kitchen. Sherlock is standing at the table in his camel coloured dressing gown. Wearing safety glasses, he is holding an eyeball with a large pair of tweezers and is holding a lit blowtorch near to the optic nerve dangling behind it.) JOHN: Er, it was Mrs Hudson laughing. SHERLOCK: Sounded like she was torturing an owl. JOHN: Yeah. Well, it was laughter. SHERLOCK: Could have been both. JOHN (looking at what he’s doing): Busy? (Sherlock sighs heavily.) SHERLOCK: Just occupying myself. Sometimes, it’s so-o-o hard not smoking. (The eyeball slips out of the tweezers and drops with a splash into a mug on the table.) JOHN: Mm-hmm. Mind if I interrupt? SHERLOCK (putting the tweezers down and gesturing to the chair at the end of the table): Er, be my guest. (He switches off the blowtorch. John walks over and pulls the chair back from the table and Sherlock picks up the mug and offers it to him.) SHERLOCK: Tea? JOHN: Er ... (He shakes one hand to decline the offer. Sherlock puts the mug down and takes off his glasses.) JOHN (sitting down): So. The big question. SHERLOCK (turning to face him): Mm-hm. JOHN (folding his hands and putting them onto the table in front of him): The best man. SHERLOCK: The best man? JOHN: What do you think? SHERLOCK (instantly): Billy Kincaid. JOHN: Sorry, what? SHERLOCK (quick-fre): Billy Kincaid, the Camden Garrotter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed. (John frowns.) SHERLOCK (quick-fre): Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure and ran the best and safest children’s homes in north England. (John tiredly rubs his fingers over his eyes.) SHERLOCK (grimacing briefly): Yes, every now and again there’d be some garrottings, but stacking up the lives saved against the garrottings, on balance I’d say ... JOHN (interrupting): For my wedding! For me. I need a best man. SHERLOCK: Oh, right. JOHN: Maybe not a garrotter. SHERLOCK: Gavin? JOHN: Who? SHERLOCK: Gavin Lestrade? He’s a man, and good at it. JOHN: It’s Greg. And he’s not my best friend. SHERLOCK: Oh, Mike Stamford, I see. Well, he’s nice, um, though I’m not sure how well he’d cope with all ... JOHN (interrupting): No, Mike’s great, but he’s not my best friend. (Sherlock looks at him thoughtfully as if he can’t think of another friend to suggest.) JOHN: Look, Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life. SHERLOCK (dubiously, pulling a face): Well ... JOHN: No, it is! It is, and I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world. SHERLOCK: Yes. (John nods. Clearly oblivious, Sherlock waits for him to tell him who these people are.) JOHN: Mary Morstan ... SHERLOCK: Yes. JOHN (sighing tightly): ... and ... (He looks up at Sherlock, who is still waiting patiently for further information. Eventually John pulls in a long breath.) JOHN: ... you. (Sherlock blinks rapidly several times but otherwise doesn’t move or react.) RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: I confess at first I didn’t realise he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and ... surprised. FLASHBACK. Sherlock has frozen solid, staring blankly in John’s direction but not actually looking at him. John taps his foot patiently. RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: I explained to him that I’d never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. FLASHBACK. Sherlock is still motionless. JOHN: Sherlock. (Sherlock doesn’t react.) RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was – for me – as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he’d placed in me ... (John frowns as if unable to remember this conversation.) SHERLOCK: ... and indicated that I was, in some ways, very close to being ... moved by it. FLASHBACK. Sherlock is still fixed in place, staring sightlessly ahead of him. The silence drags on for long seconds. JOHN: That’s getting a bit scary now. RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud. (John laughs, and some of the guests join in.) FLASHBACK. Sherlock’s brain finally begins to reboot and he takes a breath. He swallows and narrows his eyes slightly as he refocuses and looks at John. SHERLOCK: So, in fact ... (He thinks for a moment.) SHERLOCK: You-you mean ... JOHN: Yes. SHERLOCK: I’m your ... (John nods.) SHERLOCK: ... best ... JOHN: ... man. SHERLOCK (almost simultaneously): ... friend? JOHN: Yeah, ’course you are. ’Course you’re my best friend. (He smiles. Sherlock absently picks up the mug from the table and raises it towards his mouth. John watches with interest as he takes a long slurping drink and then swallows.) JOHN: Well, how was that? (Sherlock licks his lips, thinks about it for a moment, then nods.) SHERLOCK: Surprisingly okay. (Inside the mug, the eyeball pops up to the surface of the tea.) JOHN: So you’ll have to make a speech, of course. (Sherlock offlines again for a moment, then looks at John.) RECEPTION. Sherlock reaches into his jacket pocket, clearing his throat, and takes out a handful of cue cards, looking at each one and putting it onto the table as he talks to himself. SHERLOCK: Done that. ... Done that ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Hmm ... (He looks up at the guests again, then turns to John.) SHERLOCK: I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you. (Mary looks surprised and John looks up at him.) SHERLOCK (looking at the guests): All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. (The guests begin to look uncomfortable. Some of them start murmuring quietly to each other. Greg and Molly look at Sherlock in horror.) SHERLOCK: Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species. (The guests stare at him. Sherlock pauses for a moment.) SHERLOCK: But anyway ... (he looks down at his cards) ... let’s talk about John. JOHN (quietly): Please. SHERLOCK (looking up again): If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. (Greg laughs silently.) SHERLOCK: Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. (John sighs heavily, while Mary frowns.) SHERLOCK: It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. (Janine stares up at him and the other two bridesmaids look uncomfortable.) SHERLOCK (moving on to his next card): ... and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation ... (The vicar smiles.) SHERLOCK: ... or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot. (Mary face-palms and John is half-hiding behind his clasped hands. The vicar looks at Sherlock grimly, and more guests are muttering amongst themselves. Sherlock pauses for a moment.) SHERLOCK: The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. (He looks at the vicar.) SHERLOCK: I am dismissive of the virtuous ... (He turns to Janine.) SHERLOCK: ... unaware of the beautiful ... (He turns towards Mary and John.) SHERLOCK: ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. (The guests have fallen silent again and are listening intently. Molly and Greg exchange a long glance.) SHERLOCK: Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. (Mary smiles proudly at her husband. Several of the guests make appreciative “aww” sounds.) SHERLOCK: John, I am a ridiculous man ... (John smiles and nods his agreement.) SHERLOCK: ... redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. (He looks down for a moment, then smiles a little.) SHERLOCK: Actually, now I can. (The guests murmur again, but now their tone is much more approving. John and Mary smile.) SHERLOCK: Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured wr, and injury, and tragic loss ... (he leans closer to John) ... so sorry again about that last one ... (he straightens up again) ... so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that. (Mrs Hudson whimpers and holds a tissue to her nose. Molly wipes tears from her eyes with her serviette. Other guests – even some of the men – sniffle. John turns to Mary and whispers to her.) JOHN: If I try and hug him, stop me. MARY: Certainly not. (She pats his arm. Sherlock moves on to his next card.) SHERLOCK: Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John ... (He trails off as he looks up and sees so many of the guests crying.) SHERLOCK (quick-fre): What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John? (Molly smiles proudly at him.) MRS HUDSON (tearfully): Oh, Sherlock! (Sherlock looks down at John.) SHERLOCK: Did I do it wrong? JOHN (standing up): No, you didn’t. Come here. (He pulls him into a tight hug. The guests break into applause. The fandom goes crazy.) SHERLOCK: I haven’t finished yet. JOHN: Yeah, I know, I know. SHERLOCK (holding up his next card and talking over the applause as John releases him): So, on to some funny stories ... JOHN: Can you – can you wait ’til I sit down? (Sherlock nods as the applause continues. John sits down, clearing his throat, and the applause finally fades.) SHERLOCK: So, on to some funny stories about John. (John chuckles. Sherlock looks at the guests.) SHERLOCK: If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would ... (The guests laugh.) SHERLOCK: ... be better. On we go. So, for funny stories ... (he reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone) ... one has to look no further than John’s blog. (He holds up the phone. John laughs.) SHERLOCK: The record of our time together. Of course, he does tend to romanticise things a bit, but then, you know ... (he looks down at John and Mary and half-winks at them) ... he’s a romantic. We’ve tackled some strange cases: the Hollow Client ... FLASHBACK. John and Sherlock walk up the stairs and into the living room of 221B, then stop dad at the sight that greets them. In John’s chair which is facing towards the door is a suit, laid out exactly as it would appear if there was actually anyone inside it and sitting in the chair. There is even a pair of shoes at the bottom of the trousers. SHERLOCK: ... the Poison Giant ... FLASHBACK. A man is running across a rooftop. As he comes into full view we see that he is a person of short stature. He stops and raises a blowpipe to his lips. SHERLOCK (offscreen): Get down, John! (The man blows into the pipe and on the other side of the roof Sherlock and John duck down to avoid the dart which flies out of it. They immediately jump up again and run on in pursuit of the man.) SHERLOCK: We’ve had some frustrating cases ... FLASHBACK. In 221B John sits down at the dining table with a mug of tea. He looks across to Sherlock sitting in his chair, who is running his finger across his top lip and frowning down thoughtfully at a matchbox held in his other hand. JOHN: What is that? (Sherlock looks at him.) SHERLOCK: A French decathlete found completely out of his mind, surrounded by one thousand, eight hundred and twelve matchboxes – all empty except this one. JOHN: And what’s in that one? SHERLOCK (looking at the matchbox): The inexplicable. (He slowly pushes the matchbox open. Whatever is inside glows brightly, illuminating Sherlock’s face. He grins with delight.) SHERLOCK (rolling his eyes): ... ‘touching’ cases ... FLASHBACK. John is standing at the window of 221B looking down into the street. JOHN: She’s going to ring the doorbell. (He’s looking at a young woman who is hovering outside Speedy’s and looking towards 221’s front door. She stops and then turns around.) JOHN: Oh, no. She’s changed her mind. (The woman walks away a few paces, then stops and turns around again.) JOHN: No, she’s gonna do it ... No, she’s leaving. She’s leaving. ... Oh, she’s coming back. (Sherlock is sprawled in his chair with his head raised towards the ceiling. His eyes are closed.) SHERLOCK: She’s a client. She’s boring. I’ve seen those symptoms before. JOHN: Hmm? SHERLOCK: Oscillation on the pavement always means there’s a love affair. SHERLOCK: ... and of course I have to mention the elephant in the room. FLASHBACK. The boys stand in the doorway of what looks like a fairly ordinary room somewhere. They stare up wide-eyed at what they can see. Sherlock opens his mouth. Offscreen, an elephant trumpets loudly. Sherlock closes his mouth again. SHERLOCK: But we want something ... very particular for this special day, don’t we? (He looks down at his phone, then raises his eyes again.) SHERLOCK: The Bloody Guardsman. FLASHBACK. John’s blog entry entitled “The Bloody Guardsman” drifts across the screen for a moment, then fades to a view of Sherlock standing in the living room of 221B looking at his information wall behind the sofa. He turns to where Mary is sitting at the dining table and John is sitting in his armchair and looking at his phone. SHERLOCK: Need to work on your half of the church, Mary. Looking a bit thin. MARY (smiling): Ah, orphan’s lot. Friends – that’s all I have. Lots of friends. (We get a glimpse of the paperwork on the wall and realise that Sherlock is organising the hell out of the wedding. There is a list of things which need to be done, all of them ticked off, and the wall is divided into items which are headed, “Transport,” “Catering,” “Rehearsal,” “Wine,” and probably other items too. On the table beside Mary is a cardboard 3D model of the reception venue.) SHERLOCK: Schedule the organ music to begin at precisely 11.48. MARY: But the rehearsal’s not for another two weeks. Just calm down. SHERLOCK: Calm? I am calm. I’m extremely calm. MARY: Let’s get back to the reception, come on. (He walks over to the table.) MARY (handing him an RSVP card): John’s cousin. Top table? SHERLOCK (looking at the card): Hmm. Hates you. Can’t even bear to think about you. MARY (looking up at him): Seriously? SHERLOCK: Second class post, cheap card ... (he sniffs it and grimaces) ... bought at a petrol station. Look at the stamp: three attempts at licking. She’s obviously unconsciously retaining saliva. MARY: Ah. (Over her shoulder to John) Let’s stick her by the bogs. [Transcriber’s note: ‘bogs’ is a slang word for ‘toilets’.] SHERLOCK: Oh yes. (He sits down. Mary leans closer to him.) MARY: Who else hates me? (Instantly Sherlock hands her a piece of paper. There’s a long list of names on it.) MARY: Oh great – thanks(!) JOHN (looking at his phone): Priceless painting nicked. Looks interesting. MARY (looking at paperwork on the table): Table four ... SHERLOCK: Done. JOHN (chuckling at something on his screen): “My husband is three people.” MARY: Table five. SHERLOCK (looking at a list): Major James Sholto. Who he? MARY: Oh, John’s old commanding officer. I don’t think he’s coming. JOHN: He’ll be there. MARY: Well, he needs to RSVP, then. JOHN (firmly): He’ll be there. MARY: Mmm ... JOHN (reading from his phone): “My husband is three people.” It’s interesting. Says he has three distinct patterns of moles on his skin. SHERLOCK (standing up and speaking quick-fre): Identical triplets – one in half a million births. Solved it without leaving the flat. Now, serviettes. (He squats down beside the coffee table, reaches under it and pulls out a tray with two serviettes folded into different shapes. He gestures to them as he looks up at Mary.) SHERLOCK: Swan, or Sydney Opera House? MARY: Where’d you learn to do that? SHERLOCK (looking down): Many unexpected skills required in the field of criminal investigation ... MARY: Fibbing, Sherlock. SHERLOCK: I once broke an alibi by demonstrating the exact severity of ... MARY: I’m not John. I can tell when you’re fibbing. SHERLOCK (exasperated): Okay – I learned it on Youtube. MARY: Opera House, please. (She leans to one side and reaches into her trouser pocket.) MARY: Ooh, hang on. I’m buzzing. (She takes out her phone and lifts it to her ear.) MARY: Hello? (She listens for a second, then stands up.) MARY: Oh, hi, Beth! (John’s eyes lift from his phone as Mary heads for the kitchen.) MARY (into phone): Yeah, yeah, don’t see why not. JOHN (standing up and looking at Sherlock): Actually, if that’s Beth, it’s probably for me too. Hang on. (He heads for the kitchen, while Sherlock sits down on the floor cross-legged and facing the coffee table. In the kitchen, John smiles at Mary as he walks closer to her. They talk quietly.) JOHN: He knows we don’t have a friend called Beth. He’s gonna figure out that it’s code. MARY: He’s Youtube-ing serviettes. JOHN: He’s thorough. MARY: He’s terrified. JOHN: ’Course he’s not. MARY: Right, you know when you’re scared of something, you start wishing it sooner just to get it all going? That’s what he’s doing. JOHN: Why would he be scared that we’re getting married? It’s not gonna change anything – we’ll still do stuff. MARY: Well, you need to prove it to him. I told you to find him a new case. JOHN: I’m trying. MARY: You need to run him, okay? Show him it’s still the good old days. (She nods encouragingly to him. He doesn’t immediately respond, and she nods again and gestures towards the living room. He looks around, then turns and slowly starts towards the door between the kitchen and the living room. Mary puts her hands on his back and shoves him forward. Sherlock is still sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the coffee table, his head propped up on one hand. He briefly looks round at John, then turns back and gestures at what’s in front of him. There are at least seven serviettes folded in Sydney Opera House shapes on the table, and sixteen or so more on the floor.) SHERLOCK: That just sort of ... happened. (He looks round at John again, who frowns but then smiles. Glancing back into the kitchen for a moment, he walks towards his friend.) JOHN: Sherlock, um ... (Sherlock stands up.) JOHN: ... mate ... (Again he frowns briefly, perhaps wondering if he is overdoing it.) JOHN: I-I’ve ... (He walks over to the dining table. Sherlock glances towards the kitchen where Mary can be heard talking as if she’s on a phone call, then they both sit down at the table.) JOHN: I’ve smelled eighteen different perfumes; I’ve sampled ... (he stops to think) ... nine different slices of cake which all tasted identical; I like the bridesmaids in purple ... SHERLOCK: Lilac. JOHN: ... lilac. Um, there are no more decisions left to make. I don’t even understand the decisions that we have made. I’m faking opinions and it’s exhausting, so please, before she comes back ... (He glances towards the kitchen, activates his phone, clears his throat and holds the phone across the table. The screen is showing Sherlock’s “Science of Deduction” website.) JOHN: ... pick something. (Sherlock’s eyes flicker down to the screen a couple of times.) JOHN: Anything. Pick one. SHERLOCK: Pick what? (John blinks a few times and then laughs.) JOHN: A case. Your Inbox is bursting. Just ... get me out of here. SHERLOCK (leaning closer and speaking quietly): You want to go out on a case? N-now? JOHN: Please, Sherlock, for me. (Sherlock takes the phone.) SHERLOCK (quietly): Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll get you out of this. (He starts to flick through messages on his website. After only a few seconds he finds something of interest.) SHERLOCK: Oh. [Transcriber’s note for the following scenes: my knowledge of military terminology is extremely limited. I have googled the heck out of certain terms in the hope of getting them right but am not confident that I am using the correct words all the time. I’m happy to take corrections from people with expertise. Click here for information about Her Majesty’s Foot Guards, which also indicates that Sherlock is incorrect in referring to his new client as a ‘Grenadier’. While I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to have the knowledge of how to distinguish between the different Guards, I would have expected the writers to do their homework.] In a military barracks inside a grand building, two members of The Queen’s Foot Guards wearing full dress uniform and carrying their tall fur bearskin caps walk up the stairs. The voice of one of them narrates his message to Sherlock. BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “Dear Mr Holmes, My name is Bainbridge. I’m a Private in Her Majesty’s Household Guard. I’m writing to you about a personal matter ... (Outside Wellington Barracks in London, Bainbridge is one of two men standing on duty outside the gates in the full uniform of the Welsh Guards. A female Japanese tourist stands beside him posing with her thumbs up while her male friend takes photographs.) BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “... one I don’t care to bring before my superiors – it would sound so trivial – but I think someone’s stalking me. (Over the other side of the road, three tourists are taking photos of the view. Bainbridge – with his gaze fixed ahead of him as he must do while on duty – has a clear view of them.) BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “I’m used to tourists – it’s part of the job – but this is different. Someone’s watching me. (The tourists over the road walk away. Standing behind them is a man with the hood of his jacket pulled up and obscuring the view of his face. He seems to be looking directly at Bainbridge but as soon as the tourists are no longer blocking him, he turns and walks away.) BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “He’s taking pictures of me every day. (Inside the barracks, Bainbridge walks across what may be his bedroom or dorm room, which overlooks the parade ground. He is bare chested. He idly looks out of the window and sees the usual group of tourists outside the gates but his attention is immediately drawn to a man wearing an overcoat and with a cap on his head. The man is standing close to the fence and is initially aiming his camera in a different direction, but he then swings the camera across and up to point at Bainbridge in the window.) BAINBRIDGE (voiceover): “Don’t want to mention it to the major, but it’s really preying on my mind.” (The man snaps a couple of photographs, then hurries away.) SHERLOCK (still looking at John’s phone in 221B): Uniform fetishist. “All the nice girls like a soldier.” JOHN: It’s “sailor”. [Click here for the lyrics of the song to which the boys are referring.] JOHN: And Bainbridge thinks his stalker is a bloke. (Sherlock looks at the phone again, perhaps reading more of Bainbridge’s email.) JOHN: Let’s go and investigate. Please? SHERLOCK (reading): “Elite Guard.” JOHN: Forty enlisted men and officers. SHERLOCK: Why this particular Grenadier? Curious. JOHN: Now you’re talking. SHERLOCK (handing his phone back): Okay. (They stand up and walk towards the doors just as Mary comes back into the room with her phone at her ear.) MARY (into phone): ’Bye. JOHN: Er, we’re just going to ... I need, um, Sherlock to help me choose some, er, socks. SHERLOCK (simultaneously): ... ties. MARY (looking from one to the other): Why don’t we go with socks? JOHN: Yeah. MARY: I mean, you’ve got to get the right ones. JOHN: Exactly – to go with my ... SHERLOCK: ... tie. JOHN (simultaneously): ... outfit. MARY (looking at John): That’ll take a while, right? (John points towards the kitchen.) JOHN: My coat in there? MARY: Yes! (He walks into the kitchen and Mary and Sherlock walk closer together.) SHERLOCK (quietly): Just going to take him out for a bit – run him. MARY: I know. (Sherlock smiles at her.) MARY (gesturing happily towards him): You said you’d find him a case! SHERLOCK: Mm. JOHN (from the kitchen doorway): Come on, Sherlock. SHERLOCK: Coming. (He turns and goes to the living room door, then turns back to face Mary. Unseen by each other, Sherlock does a double thumbs-up at her and gives her a “only you and I know about what we’re doing here” grin, while from the kitchen John circles his thumb and forefinger at her and winks much the same message. She holds up her thumbs to both of them and grins widely. The boys both turn and head for the stairs. Going out of the front door, Sherlock finishes putting his coat on and calls out to an approaching cab.) SHERLOCK: Taxi! There are a few interspersed scenes of a group of Guards marching back to the barracks, and Sherlock and John making their way to the barracks themselves. The Guards arrive back and are in the parade ground marching into position preparing to be dismissed. PARADE SERGEANT: Company, halt! ... Right turn! (Our boys are at the entrance to the barracks. John has given his wallet containing his military ID card to the duty sergeant.) JOHN: We’re here to see Private Stephen Bainbridge. DUTY SERGEANT: He’s on duty right now, sir ... (he hands the wallet back) ... but I’ll certainly let him know when he’s free. SHERLOCK: And when will that be? DUTY SERGEANT: Another hour. Bainbridge, with another Foot Guard, is on duty outside the gates of the barracks. He stands fixed in position and tourists take photographs. Over the other side of the road and a few yards back from the pavement, Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench in the park looking towards the gates. SHERLOCK: Do you think they give them classes? JOHN: Classes? SHERLOCK: How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds? JOHN: Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system. (Sherlock turns his head slightly in John’s direction.) JOHN: Bum itch. SHERLOCK: Oh! (They sit in silence for a few seconds.) SHERLOCK: So why don’t you see him any more? JOHN: Who? SHERLOCK: Your previous commander, Sholto. JOHN: “Previous commander”. SHERLOCK (briefly closing his eyes awkwardly): I meant “ex”. JOHN: “Previous” suggests that I currently have a commander. SHERLOCK: Which you don’t. JOHN: Which I don’t. SHERLOCK (with a small smile): ’Course you don’t. He was decorated, wasn’t he? A wr hero. JOHN: Not to everyone. He led a team of crows into battle. SHERLOCK: “Crows”? JOHN: New recruits. It’s standard procedure; break the new boys in – but it went wrong. They all died; he was the only survivor. The press and the families gave him hell. He gets more death thrat than you. SHERLOCK: Oh, I wouldn’t count on that. JOHN: Why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being? SHERLOCK: I’m ... chatting. (John raises his eyebrows and looks round at him. Sherlock half-turns his head and looks at him out of the corner of his eye.) SHERLOCK (turning his head back to the front): Won’t be trying that again. JOHN: Changing the subject completely ... (he pulls in a breath through his nose, then looks at Sherlock again) ... you know it won’t alter anything, right, me and Mary, getting married? We’ll still be doing all this. SHERLOCK: Oh, good. JOHN: If you were worrying. SHERLOCK: Wasn’t worried. (John looks down and chuckles thoughtfully.) JOHN: See, the thing about Mary – she has completely turned my life around; changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that ... and the other one is ... (He looks round. Sherlock is no longer sitting at his side.) JOHN: ... a complete dickhead. (He looks all around the park but there is no sign of said dickhead.) Inside the barracks, the duty sergeant sits at his desk looking through paperwork. Through the window behind him, three pairs of Guards march past, only the upper part of their bodies and their bearskins visible. A seventh bearskin-wearing person marches behind them ... except that this one is wearing a highly non-regulation Belstaff coat. Outside, Sherlock marches along behind the others, smartly swinging his arms, then he stops, takes off the bearskin and puts it down on a nearby ledge. Using the window above the ledge as a mirror, he ruffles his flattened hair back into position, then heads off across the parade ground. Inside the barracks, he walks across the entrance hall towards one of two flights of stairs. Two Guards wearing standard khaki army attire walk down the other flight and Sherlock turns his head away from them and apparently instantly becomes invisible, because they take no notice of him. He trots up the stairs, employing the “I’m invisible if I don’t look at you” trick again partway up when two more soldiers walk across the landing, then he goes up onto the landing. Several voices can be heard talking and laughing from a nearby room, and he walks across and opens the door. Inside is a rec room where many soldiers are sitting and chatting. Two are playing table tennis and others are watching them. Sherlock must have gone into invisibility mode again, because nobody looks at him or reacts in any way. He closes the door again and moves on. Outside the barracks, a new Guard has come to relieve Bainbridge. He marches over, turns to stand at Bainbridge’s side and shuffles sideways until their shoulders touch. Bainbridge marches forward a few paces, then turns and marches into the barracks. Inside, now holding his bearskin under his arm, he walks up the stairs. His face appears to be rather sweaty. He walks into the shower room, puts the bearskin down and undoes his white webbing belt, grimacing a little. Putting the belt down, he starts to unbutton his jacket. In an office nearby, an officer called Major Reed is sitting behind his desk and looking at John’s military ID card. He looks up at John who is sitting opposite him. REED: Can I ask what this is in connection with? JOHN: Private Bainbridge contacted us about a personal matter, sir. REED: Nothing’s personal when it concerns my troops. What do you really want? JOHN: I’m here on a legitimate enquiry. REED: Press? Digging for some bloody Royal story or something? JOHN (pointing at his ID card): No, sir, I’m Captain John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. REED: Retired. You could be a used car salesman now, for all I know. The duty sergeant walks into the shower room. One of the showers is running and steam billows across the floor. DUTY SERGEANT: Bainbridge! Gentleman here to see you! (He walks across towards the cubicle.) DUTY SERGEANT: Bainbridge! (He raps on the closed door of the cubicle, then looks down. Through the almost-opaque door, Bainbridge can be seen slumped on the floor with his back against the door, and bloodstained water is pouring out of the cubicle.) REED’S OFFICE. Major Reed looks closely at John. REED: I know you, don’t I? JOHN: Hmm? (Reed tosses John’s card across the table. John picks it up and puts it back into his wallet.) REED: I’ve seen you in the papers. (John clears his throat uncomfortably.) REED: Hang around with that detective – the one with the silly hat. What the hell does Bainbridge want with a detective? JOHN: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say. REED: You’re not at liberty to say?! He’s a soldier in my regiment – I’ll be damned if he’s going to get up to cloak and dagger nonsense like this. (The duty sergeant hurries into the room.) DUTY SERGEANT: Sir ... (He stops when he realises that Reed isn’t alone in the room.) DUTY SERGEANT: Sir. REED: What’s going on? DUTY SERGEANT: It’s Bainbridge, sir. He’s dad. (Looking horrified, Reed gets up and follows the sergeant out of the room. John hurries after them.) In the shower room, Bainbridge is now lying face down on the floor on top of a great deal of broken glass. There is a lot of blood on his lower back. The duty sergeant leads the others in, and Reed hurries over to the body staring at it in shock. REED: My God! (Sighing deeply at the sight, John walks towards Bainbridge but Reed holds up a hand to stop him.) JOHN: Ah, no, let me take a look, sir. I’m a doctor. REED: What? Sergeant, arrest this man. (The duty sergeant instantly takes hold of John’s left arm and twists it behind his back.) JOHN: What? No-no! I’m a – I’m a doctor. REED: Oh, you’re a doctor now, too. Sergeant ... (He jerks his head towards the door.) JOHN: Let me examine him, please! (The sergeant starts to pull John away but just then another sergeant comes in, bundling Sherlock into the room. He has Sherlock’s right arm twisted up behind his back.) SERGEANT: Sir, caught this one snooping around. (Reed looks at John.) REED: Is that what this was all about? Distracting me so that this man could get in here and kll Bainbridge? JOHN: Don’t be ... (Sherlock has pulled free of his sergeant and is walking forward to look more closely at the body. The sergeant follows him, taking hold of his arms and pulling him away again.) SHERLOCK (to Reed): kll him with what? Where’s the wapon? REED: What? SHERLOCK: Where’s the wapon? Go on, search me. (He holds his arms wide.) No wapon. JOHN: Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago. When’s this supposed to have happened? REED (to Sherlock): You obviously sab him before he got into the shower. SHERLOCK: No. REED: No?! SHERLOCK: He’s soaking wet and there’s still shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower and then someone sab him. DUTY SERGEANT: The cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open. REED: You must have climbed over the top. SHERLOCK: Well then I’d be soaking wet too, wouldn’t I? JOHN (loudly): Major, please. I’m John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. Three years in Afghanistan, a veteran of Kandahar, Helmand, and Bart’s bloody Hospital. (Firmly) Let me examine this body. (Reed looks down at the body for a long moment, then finally looks at the duty sergeant and nods sharply. The man releases John.) JOHN (taking his jacket off): Thank you. (Walking forward, he puts the jacket onto a bench and then goes over to crouch down beside Bainbridge. The duty sergeant talks quietly to Sherlock.) DUTY SERGEANT: su1c1de? SHERLOCK: No. The wapon again – no Knfe. (He walks to the front of the shower cubicle and bends down to look all around it, then squats down at Bainbridge’s head. John is examining Bainbridge’s lower back.) JOHN: Hmm. There is a wound to the abdomen – incredibly fine. SHERLOCK: Man sab to death. No mrder wapon. Door locked from the inside. Only one way in or out of here. (John has moved to Bainbridge’s head and has peeled one of his eyes open.) JOHN: Sherlock. SHERLOCK: Mmm? JOHN: He’s still breathing. DUTY SERGEANT: Oh my God. SHERLOCK (to John): What do we do? JOHN: Give me your scarf. SHERLOCK: What? JOHN: Quickly, now. (While Sherlock unwraps his scarf from his neck, John looks up at Reed and the others.) JOHN: Call an ambulance. SERGEANT: What? JOHN (loudly): Call an ambulance now. (He points towards the door. Still the men hesitate.) JOHN (firmly): Do it! (Both of the sergeants turn and hurry from the room. John has pressed the scarf against the wound in Bainbridge’s back and now he takes Sherlock’s hand and puts it on top of the scarf, positioning his fingers where he wants them.) JOHN: Nurse, press here – hard. SHERLOCK (wrinkling his nose in distaste): “Nurse”? JOHN: Yeah, I’m making do. Keep pressure on that wound. (Sherlock leans closer so that he can press harder. John moves to Bainbridge’s head.) JOHN: Stephen. Stephen, stay with me. RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty. He’d stood there for hours, plenty of people watching, nothing apparently wrong. He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dad from a wound in his stomach, but there was no wapon. Where did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this: a mrder who can walk through walls, a wapon that can vanish – but in all of this there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. Would anyone like to make a guess? (The guests fidget and look at each other.) SHERLOCK: Come on, come on, there is actually an element of Q and A to all of this. (He clears his throat. Still the guests remain silent.) SHERLOCK: Scotland Yard. (Greg lifts his head.) SHERLOCK: Have you got a theory? (Greg stares at him blankly.) SHERLOCK: Yeah, you. You’re a detective – broadly speaking. Got a theory? LESTRADE: Er, um, if the, uh, if the, if-if-if, if the blade was, er, propelled through the, um ... (he stops to think for a moment) ... grating in the air vent ... maybe a-a ballista or a – or a – or a catapult. Erm, somebody tiny could-could crawl in there. (He sucks in a breath.) So, yeah, we’re loo... we’re looking for a-a-a-a dwarf. (Sherlock is staring at him blankly.) SHERLOCK: Brilliant. LESTRADE: Really? SHERLOCK (instantly): No. (Greg sighs and lowers his head.) SHERLOCK: Next! TOM (whispering to Molly): He sab himself. SHERLOCK: Hello? Who was that? (Tom looks round, wide-eyed.) SHERLOCK: Tom. (Grimacing, Tom slowly stands up.) SHERLOCK: Got a theory? (Tom sways nervously from foot to foot for a moment.) TOM (slowly, tentatively): Um ... attempted su1c1de, with a blade made of compacted blood and bone; broke after piercing his abdomen ... like a meat ... dagger. (A couple of the guests snigger. Sitting beside Tom, Molly’s face is a picture of disbelief. She may be reconsidering her marriage options. At the top table, Sherlock’s expression also speaks volumes.) SHERLOCK (speaking precisely): A meat dagger. TOM (awkwardly): Yes. MOLLY (whispering through gritted teeth): Sit. Down. SHERLOCK (precisely): No. (Tom sits down.) SHERLOCK (to the guests): There was one feature, and only one feature, of interest in the whole of this baffling case, and quite frankly it was the usual. John Watson – who, while I was trying to solve the mrder, instead saved a life. (Mary quietly laughs in delight, and John smiles.) SHERLOCK: There are mysteries worth solving and stories worth telling. (He looks down at John.) SHERLOCK: The best and bravest man I know – and on top of that he actually knows how to do stuff. (John lowers his head and chuckles with embarrassment.) SHERLOCK: ... except wedding planning and serviettes – he’s rubbish at those. JOHN: True! (The guests laugh.) SHERLOCK: The case itself remains the most ingenious and brilliantly-planned mrder – or attempted mrder – I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter; the most perfect locked-room mystery of which I am aware. However, I’m not just here to praise John – I’m also here to embarrass him, so let’s move on to some ... LESTRADE (interrupting): No-no, wait, so how was it ... how was it done? SHERLOCK: How was what done? LESTRADE: The sab. (Sherlock looks down awkwardly for a few moments, then raises his head.) SHERLOCK: I’m afraid I don’t know. I didn’t solve that one. That’s ... (he pauses) ... It can happen sometimes. It’s very ... very disappointing. (He looks reflective for a second, then takes a breath and looks out to the guests again.) SHERLOCK: Embarrassment leads me on to the stag night. Of course there’s hours of material here, but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits. FLASHBACK. An entry from John’s blog entitled, “The Mayfly Man” drifts across the screen. It starts, ‘We’d just returned from a quiet, civilised evening in the pub ...’ The entry fades from view and we’re in Molly’s lab at Bart’s. MOLLY: mrder scenes? (She turns and looks at Sherlock standing beside her.) MOLLY: Locations of ... mrder? SHERLOCK: Mmmm, pub crawl – themed. MOLLY: Yeah, but why-why can’t you just do Underground stations? SHERLOCK (wrinkling his nose in distaste): Lacks the personal touch. We’re going to go for a drink in every street where we ... MOLLY (joining in, then finishing his sentence for him): ... every street where you found a corpse! Delightful(!) Where do I come in? SHERLOCK: Don’t want to get ill. That would ruin it – spoil the mood. MOLLY: You’re a graduate chemist. Can’t you just work it out? SHERLOCK: I lack the practical experience. (He smiles at her. She looks at him straight-faced and her voice drops half an octave.) MOLLY: Meaning you think I like a drink. SHERLOCK: Occasionally. MOLLY: That I’m a drunk. SHERLOCK (quickly): No. No! (She sternly holds his gaze. He looks away, blinking for a couple of seconds, then finally finds something to say.) SHERLOCK: You look ... well. MOLLY (smiling slightly): I am. SHERLOCK: How’s ... (He looks to the side, clearly searching his brain for the name before finally finding one which he doesn’t seem totally confident of, because he offers it very tentatively.) SHERLOCK: ... Tom? MOLLY: Not a sociopath. SHERLOCK: Still? Good. MOLLY (smiling at him): And we’re having quite a lot of sex. (Sherlock offlines momentarily, his eyes flickering between her and mid-air before he can move on.) SHERLOCK: Okay. (He takes a large folder full of papers from his coat and puts it on the table.) SHERLOCK: I want you to calculate John’s ideal intake, and mine, to remain in the sweet spot the whole evening. (The folder appears to be full of his and John’s medical records and other personal documentation. Molly looks at what seems to be a birth certificate.) SHERLOCK: Light-headed, good ... (He hands her a picture of Vitruvian Man [click for image] with a photograph of John’s head posted over the original head.) MOLLY: Urinating in wardrobes, bad. SHERLOCK: Hmm. PUB. Sherlock stands at the bar and looks at the barman. SHERLOCK: Two, er ... beers, please. BARMAN: Pints? (Sherlock takes two tall and slender glass graduated cylinders from his coat pockets and puts them onto the bar. [Thanks to opaljade for the correct terminology.]) SHERLOCK: Four hundred and forty-three point seven millilitres. (Shortly afterwards he takes the cylinders, now almost full of beer, over to the nearby bench where John is standing and puts them on the table.) JOHN: Ah... (He looks at them in disbelief, then sighs heavily while Sherlock takes out his phone, selects an app and puts it onto the bench. The phone’s stopwatch starts up.) JOHN (picking up his cylinder): What, are we on a schedule? SHERLOCK: You’ll thank me. (Smiling, he clinks his own cylinder against John’s and they drink.) NEXT PUB. Sitting at a table in a bar, the boys clink their cylinders together and drink. NEXT PUB. Standing at the bar, Sherlock drains his cylinder, grins widely, then delicately wipes his lip. He seems to be feeling the beer a little. John looks down into his own cylinder with perhaps a disappointed expression. NEXT PUB. John takes a long pull on his drink, while Sherlock looks thoughtfully at the level of beer remaining in his own cylinder. They both turn and look down at Sherlock’s phone on the bar, then John puts his cylinder down and Sherlock bends to look at the level. NEXT PUB. They clink their cylinders together again. JOHN: Cheers. SHERLOCK: Cheers. (They drink. Sherlock is holding his phone in his other hand, updating their alcohol levels.) NEXT PUB. Sitting at a table, the boys drain their latest beers, grimace and then put the cylinders onto the table. This bar has loud music playing. John turns and looks all round the room. Sherlock points over John’s shoulder. SHERLOCK: Over there. JOHN (leaning closer): What? SHERLOCK: Toilets. Any second now, you’re going to ... JOHN (putting a hand on his arm): Hang on. Tell me after – I need the loo. (He gets up.) SHERLOCK: Mmm, on schedule. JOHN (turning back): Eh? SHERLOCK: Nothing – go! (John stumbles off, while Sherlock looks at his phone and pulls up his charts which will measure urine output against blood alcohol level. He updates the alcohol level chart and finishes it with a fancy flourish. A little while later John returns to the table.) SHERLOCK: How long? JOHN: Sorry? SHERLOCK: Your visit. (John sits down and gives him a quizzical look. Sherlock looks down at his chart.) SHERLOCK: Estimate approximate volume discharged ... JOHN: Stop talking now. NEXT PUB. John is alone at the bar, and he takes a sht glass full of – presumably – whiskey from the barman. JOHN: Ooh, er ... (He glances over his shoulder to where Sherlock is standing with his back to him.) JOHN: Quick, one more. He mustn’t see. (He drinks the sht in one gulp, humming appreciatively, then takes the second sht which the barman has brought him. The two cylinders are on the bar in front of him, full of beer, and he pours the whiskey into the left one. He takes both of them across towards Sherlock but then stops and looks at them, apparently unable to remember which one has the sht in it. Sniffing the left one and presumably thinking that that one contains only beer, he puts it on the table.) JOHN: There you go. (Sherlock turns and picks it up.) JOHN: Cheers. (They drink.) NEXT PUB. Sherlock is plastered. In the smoking area outside the pub, he is loudly and drunkenly gesticulating and sounding off to a male customer over the very loud music. SHERLOCK: I know ash! (John is sitting at a nearby table, looking fairly legless himself. He covers his face with his hand.) SHERLOCK: Don’t – Tell – Me – I – Don’t! (On each word he pokes the man in the upper chest with one finger, and on the last word he puts his hand on the man’s shoulder and pushes him. Sighing, John looks up as the man swings a punch at Sherlock’s face. Sherlock sways back – possibly more by luck than judgement – and avoids it.) JOHN (jumping up): Oh ... (Thrown off-balance by his swing, the man stumbles forward and almost falls onto a nearby table. One of his mates helps him up. John grabs Sherlock from behind and pulls him away while Sherlock flails wildly towards the man.) JOHN: All right, all right, enough! (He drags him a few feet away, supporting most of his weight.) JOHN: Stand up. (He props him onto his feet and points him towards the exit. Sherlock turns and points back towards the man.) SHERLOCK: Ashtrays. I know ashtrays. All is silent. The camera pans slowly down a flight of stairs and reveals the boys lying on the steps. John is on his back by the wall with his arms folded; Sherlock is on his side facing the bannisters. Both of them have their eyes closed. SHERLOCK (slurring): I have an international reputation. (John briefly opens his eyes, then closes them again and settles his head into a more comfortable position. Sherlock looks over his shoulder.) SHERLOCK: Do you have an international reputation? (He settles his head down and closes his eyes again.) JOHN: No, I don’t have an international reputation. SHERLOCK: No. (He pauses for a moment, then turns his head towards John a little but doesn’t open his eyes.) SHERLOCK: And I can’t even remember what for. (He thinks for a second.) SHERLOCK: Sss... Crime ... something or other. (He settles his head back down on the stair and grunts quietly. The camera pulls back a little and we now realise – if we hadn’t already – that the boys are lying near the bottom of their own staircase in Baker Street. The door to 221A opens and Mrs Hudson comes out with a bag of rubbish. She stops in surprise at the sight of the boys.) MRS HUDSON: Ooh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going to be out late. SHERLOCK (slurring): Ah, Hudders. What time is it? (Mrs H looks at her watch.) MRS HUDSON: You’ve only been out two hours. (The boys sit up, trying to stand but too tightly wedged together. Sherlock falls off the step and thumps on his backside onto the next step down.) Later, they are upstairs, sitting in their armchairs in the living room, and are playing the Rizla Game. Rizlas are thin white pieces of paper, with glue along one of the long sides, which are used to roll up loose tobacco to form a cigarette. I won’t bother providing a link to explain the game itself because you’ll see how it works here. Sherlock has a Rizla paper stuck to his forehead. Written on it in John’s handwriting are the words “SHERLOCK HOLMES”. He looks blurrily across to John, who has a Rizla stuck to his own forehead which reads, in somewhat wobbly writing by Sherlock, “MADONNA”. John peers at him, apparently trying to keep his eyes open. JOHN: Am I a vegetable? (Sherlock, holding a glass of whiskey in one hand, points at him.) SHERLOCK: You, or the thing? (They both snigger.) JOHN: Funny! (Sherlock looks down.) SHERLOCK (bashfully): Thank you. JOHN: Come on. (Sherlock raises his head again.) SHERLOCK (slurred): No, you’re not a vegetable. JOHN: It’s your go. (He picks up his own glass and drinks.) SHERLOCK: Errr ... am I human? JOHN: Sometimes. SHERLOCK: Can’t have ‘sometimes’. Has to be, um ... (He struggles to pull himself up a little in his chair.) JOHN: Yes, you’re human. (He puts his glass down and slumps back in his seat.) SHERLOCK (still finishing his previous sentence): ... ‘yes’ or ‘no’. ... Okay. (He leans woozily forward, bracing his upper arms on his legs.) SHERLOCK: And am I a man? JOHN: Yep. SHERLOCK: Tall? (John holds his hands wide.) JOHN: Not as tall as people think. SHERLOCK: Hmm. Nice? JOHN: Ish. SHERLOCK: Clever? JOHN: I’d say so. SHERLOCK: You would? (John chuckles.) SHERLOCK: Mmm, am I important? JOHN: To s-some people. SHERLOCK: Do “people” ... (he makes vague air-quotes around the word) ... like me? JOHN (reaching for his glass but not picking it up): Er, no, they don’t. You tend to rub ’em up the wrong way. SHERLOCK: Okay. (John sniggers. Sherlock slumps back in his chair and then leans forward again.) SHERLOCK: Am I the current king of England? JOHN: Are you ...? (He cackles with laughter.) You know we don’t have a king? SHERLOCK: Don’t we? JOHN: No. (He chuckles again briefly.) SHERLOCK (sitting back): Your go. (He drinks from his glass. Unfolding his legs, John shifts forward until he is sitting right on the edge of his seat. He instantly starts to slide off and reaches out to brace himself with one hand on Sherlock’s right knee. He pushes himself back a little, then he and Sherlock look down at his hand. John pulls it away and holds both his hands out, shrugging.) JOHN: I don’t mind. (Sherlock raises his fingers around his glass and shrugs to indicate that he’s not bothered either.) JOHN: Am I a woman? (Sherlock looks at him for a second, then snorts laughter. He chuckles for a few moments.) JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: Yes. (Again he tries to straighten himself up on the chair.) JOHN: Am I ... pretty? (He points up to his Rizla.) This. (He props his head up on one fist.) SHERLOCK: Err ... Er, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models. JOHN: Yeah, but am I a pretty lady? (He blinks owlishly at Sherlock, who leans forward and screws up his eyes to peer at the Rizla.) SHERLOCK: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who you’re supposed to be. JOHN: You picked the name! SHERLOCK (flailing a hand towards another part of the room): Ah, but I picked it at random from the papers. JOHN (slumping back in his seat): You’re not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock? SHERLOCK (raising his eyes towards his own Rizla): So I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am ... (He sits back in the chair.) SHERLOCK: I’m-I’m nice-ish ... (John stretches out his socked feet and props them against the front of Sherlock’s chair next to his friend’s legs.) SHERLOCK: ... clever, important to some people, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way. (He laughs with delight.) SHERLOCK: Got it. JOHN: Go on, then. SHERLOCK: I’m you, aren’t I? (Mrs Hudson knocks on the open door.) MRS HUDSON: Ooh-ooh! (The boys look round at her. She is standing in the doorway with a young woman wearing a nurse’s outfit with a cardigan over it.) MRS HUDSON: Client! JOHN: Hallo. SHERLOCK (waving at her): Hallo! (Mrs Hudson turns to go back down the stairs.) JOHN (gesturing the woman into the room): Come on. TESSA: Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes? (Smiling broadly at her, John raises his hand and – whistling a single rising note through his teeth in time with his hand movement – slowly points up towards the words on Sherlock’s Rizla. Sherlock grins widely at her.) Shortly afterwards, the boys have removed the papers from their heads and have relocated to sit side by side on the sofa. Tessa sits on a dining chair facing them. TESSA (hesitantly): I don’t ... a lot ... I mean, I don’t ... date all that much ... (Sherlock sinks back on the sofa and props his head up on his left hand.) TESSA: ... and ... he seemed ... nice, you know? (John smiles at her, then blinks slowly, trying to keep his eyes open.) TESSA: We seemed to automatically connect. We had one night – dinner, such interesting conversation. It was ... lovely. (John smiles again and glances briefly towards Sherlock.) TESSA: To be honest, I’d love to have gone further ... (Sherlock’s eyes drift closed. He forces them open and shakes his head, sitting up and withdrawing his right hand from where he had draped it along the back of the sofa behind John. Your transcriber wibbles and realises that that was probably why John smiled towards him a few seconds ago.) TESSA: ... but I thought, ‘No, this is special. Let’s take it slowly ... (Sherlock leans forward, braces his elbows on his legs and folds his hands in front of his mouth. John shifts his own position.) TESSA: ... exchange numbers.’ (Sherlock’s eyes drift closed.) TESSA: He said he’d get in touch and then ... (She looks down sadly.) TESSA: Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I was ... (John is practically asleep with his eyes open but he shrugs vaguely at her.) TESSA: ... but I – I just thought ... (she becomes tearful) ... at least he’d call to say that we were finished. (She lifts a hand to wipe a tear from her eye. Sherlock’s face fills with sympathy and sadness for her. She falls silent and Sherlock looks away, his face still full of sympathetic pain ... then he frowns as if wondering where the hell that emotion came from.) TESSA (pulling herself together): I went round there, to his flat. (Sherlock has also recovered and props his chin on his clasped hands.) TESSA: No trace of him. Mr Holmes ... (Sherlock smiles cheesily at her, his eyes starting to close at the same time.) TESSA (gazing down at the floor beside the sofa): ... I honestly think I had dinner ... with a ghost. (She turns her head and looks at Sherlock. The camera is behind him and John and we can’t see their faces. Neither of the boys reacts to what she just said, but a slight grunt comes from Sherlock, followed by a noisy but brief exhale.) TESSA: Mr Holmes? (The camera angle changes and we see that both Sherlock and John have their eyes closed. Sherlock snores gently and John’s head drops lower and he grunts quietly.) TESSA (loudly): With a ghost, Mr Holmes! (Sherlock’s head falls off his hands and he almost tumbles off the sofa.) SHERLOCK (forcing himself back upright): Boring, boring, boring – no! (John draws in a noisy breath and rolls his head on his neck.) SHERLOCK: Fascinating! (He turns round to John.) SHERLOCK: John – John! Wake up! (He shakes John’s leg. John opens his eyes and flails at him. Sherlock turns to Tessa.) SHERLOCK (slurred): Apologies about my ... (he points towards John) ... you know ... thing. (He pulls in a breath, clears his throat, then turns to John and points at him.) SHERLOCK (sternly): Rude. Rude! (He turns back to Tessa.) TESSA: I checked with the landlord, and the man who lived there died. Heart attck. And there we are, having dinner one week on. (She picks up her handbag from the floor and rummages in it.) TESSA: And I found this thing online, sort of chatroom thing ... (She takes out a printout and gives it to Sherlock.) TESSA: ... for girls who think they’re dating men from the spirit world. (John has fallen asleep again but Sherlock stands up and then wobbles a little unsteadily.) SHERLOCK: Don’t worry. I’ll find him in ten minutes. (Tessa smiles with delight.) SHERLOCK: What’s your dog’s name? JOHN (blurrily, talking in his sleep): Yeah, I’m there if you want it. [People tend to speak the truth in their sleep. This statement is therefore now canon. nods] SHERLOCK: John! Wake up! (He reaches down and shoves John’s shoulder. John almost falls over sideways.) SHERLOCK: We’re meant to ... (he clicks his fingers) ... The game’s ... (he waves a hand vaguely) ... something. (He stumbles away. John’s eyes drift upwards as he applies all his mental skills to the problem and then points at Sherlock.) JOHN: ... on. (Tessa gasps excitedly. Sherlock staggers over and points down at him.) SHERLOCK: Yeah, that, that! (He turns and wanders off again.) TESSA (standing up): Okay! (John slowly pushes himself to his feet.) LATER. In a living room elsewhere, Sherlock wobbles unsteadily in front of a large clear glass plate on a stand. The boys are in what looks like a warehouse conversion. It’s a large apartment with bare brick walls and a very high ceiling. The room is decorated with several pieces of modern furniture and art. Sherlock grins drunkenly at the glass plate, then straightens up a bit and looks around the room. He is currently kneeling on the sofa with his arms braced on its back. John stands nearby, leaning against a supporting pillar in the middle of the room. JOHN: Ohhh, it’s nice! (Sherlock stands up off the sofa, then promptly falls back onto it. John turns a little and braces his hand against the supporting column. Tessa is standing nearby, together with the landlord who is holding a set of keys and looking at the boys in confusion.) JOHN: Nice place. (The landlord sighs and crosses his arms. Sherlock gets up and totters around the living room.) TESSA: See anything? SHERLOCK: Hmm? TESSA: Any clues, Mr Holmes? (John has now braced his back against the column and has closed his eyes.) SHERLOCK: Oh, errrrrr ... (He looks blurrily down at the fancy coffee table and starts deducing: designer table art? He looks across to an armchair: chair seat leather sleeeeep Moving on to a fancy-looking speaker: thing speaker hi tech thing His eyes drift on to a painted animal skull on a stand ... ? death ? skull ? deaded ? ... and then to a tall slender ornament on the window sill ... wood ? ? pipe/tube/wotsit thingamebob? ? ... and to a pale green egg chair ... egg ? chair? sitty thing? ? Still umming vaguely, he wanders over to the chair and looks more closely at it, then twirls around and his eyes settle in a rather unfocused way on Tessa and he deduces her: nurse ? client ? victim ? cardigan Scratching his head, he suddenly looks inspired. He grins at Tessa.) SHERLOCK (slurred): I’m just gonna whip this out. (He puts his hand in his coat pocket, then stumbles in circles across the room as he tugs at whatever he’s trying to pull out. Eventually he manages to extract his pouch of equipment from the pocket, simultaneously shaking off his coat and dropping it to the floor. He blinks at the pouch, then unrolls it and takes out his magnifier. Tossing the pouch over his shoulder, he holds the magnifier up to show the others.) SHERLOCK: Mm-hmm? (He clicks it open. The landlord sighs again while Tessa smiles awkwardly. John is still half-asleep leaning against the pillar. Sherlock drops to his knees on a white rug, braces himself with his left hand and slowly wobbles forward onto his right elbow. Tessa turns to John and gently pushes him upright from the pillar.) TESSA (smiling at him): You all right? JOHN (vaguely): Hmm? Yeah. He’s clueing. TESSA: What? JOHN: He’s ... hmm? He’s clueing for looks. (They look down at Sherlock, who has brought his face down to within about four inches of the rug. He is holding his magnifier to his eye and looking through it, then his eyes drift closed and he slowly topples forward and face-plants onto the rug.) TESSA: Mr Holmes? (Sherlock doesn’t respond, still on his knees with his bum stuck up in the air. He snores noisily. Tessa looks nervously at the landlord and steps forward towards Sherlock.) TESSA (louder): Mr Holmes?! LANDLORD: I’m calling the police. TESSA: Oh, no ... (The landlord walks across to the rug and hauls Sherlock up onto his knees.) SHERLOCK (indignantly): Whoa, whoa, whoa! (The landlord steps back as John holds out a warning hand to him.) TESSA: This is a famous detective. It’s Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson. (John steps towards the landlord, attempting and utterly failing to look thrat.) SHERLOCK (indignantly): What d’you think you’re doing? Don’t compromise the integrity of the ... (He turns round, bends over and throws up on the rug. The landlord closes his eyes, and Tessa puts her hand across her mouth. John’s eyes drift upwards as he goes into full thinking mode again. Eventually he finds the words he needs to finish Sherlock’s sentence for him.) JOHN (loudly): ... crime scene! (He grins triumphantly at Tessa and holds up his right palm for her to high-five. She doesn’t take up the offer. Eventually he lowers his hand again, shaking his head. Sherlock coughs and straightens up onto his knees again. He gestures towards John with the magnifier.) SHERLOCK: Yeah, that. (Looking up at the others, he holds up the magnifier and delicately clicks it closed, then wipes the vomit off his mouth.) Close-up of John’s face. He is in a bright room somewhere. His heartbeat can be heard, and his gentle exhale sounds very loud. His eyes move behind his closed lids with a rasping sound. He screws up his eyes a couple of times, the movements making squelchy sounds, then he opens his eyes and blinks with a loud click. A door opens nearby and now we see that John is sitting on the floor of a white-tiled room with his back against the wall. He grimaces at the sound of the door. LESTRADE (cheerfully, offscreen): Wakey-wakey! JOHN (still grimacing): Oh my God. (He peers towards the door and now we see that beside him, Sherlock is flat out on his back and fast asleep on the bench of a police holding cell.) JOHN: Greg. Is that Greg? LESTRADE: Get up. I’m gonna put you two in a taxi. Managed to square things with the desk sergeant. (John painfully climbs to his feet. Greg laughs disparagingly.) LESTRADE: What a couple of lightweights! You couldn’t even make it to closing time! JOHN (quietly as he slowly walks towards him): Can you whisper? LESTRADE (yelling in his ear as he walks past): NOT REALLY! (Sherlock flails upwards on the bench, his eyes wide and his mouth open in shock. He looks round the cell in bewilderment. John gives Greg a look of hurt betrayal, then leaves the cell. Greg beckons to Sherlock.) LESTRADE: Come on. (He follows John. Sherlock sits up on the bench, stands, totters, falls back onto the bench, then stands up and puts his fingers to his temples, wobbling on one foot. After a moment he lowers his hands and delicately paddles out of the cell.) POLICE STATION FRONT DESK. Grunting with the effort, Sherlock puts his coat back on. John tucks his wallet into his back pocket. JOHN: Well, thanks for a ... you know ... (They turn and walk away from the desk.) JOHN: ... an evening. SHERLOCK: It was awful. JOHN: Yeah. (Sherlock groans and pinches the bridge of his nose.) JOHN: I was gonna pretend, but it was, truly. SHERLOCK (lowering his hand): That woman, Tessa. JOHN: What? SHERLOCK: Dated a ghost. The most interesting case for months. What a wasted opportunity. JOHN: ... Okay. Close-up of a glass of water. An effervescent antacid pill is dropped into it and starts to fizz as it dissolves. After a few seconds John sighs quietly, picks up the glass and drinks. MRS HUDSON: How are you feeling? JOHN: Mmm. (He drinks again.) MRS HUDSON: It’s just like old times, having you back here. (John puts the glass down and smiles towards her. She brings a plate across the kitchen to the table where he’s sitting.) MRS HUDSON: Thought I’d make your favourite, one last time. (She puts the plate down in front of him. It contains a full English breakfast – a fried egg, two sausages, mushrooms, baked beans, tomato slices and two half-slices of buttered toast.) JOHN: Mm. Don’t sound so ... final about it. I will be visiting, you know. MRS HUDSON: Ooh, I’ve heard that one before! JOHN (picking up his cutlery and cutting into his breakfast): Mm, no, it’s different now, though, isn’t it? It’s different to when we thought we’d lost him. MRS HUDSON: Well, marriage changes everything, John. (John lifts his forkful of food towards his mouth, then looks at it and pauses.) JOHN: Does it? MRS HUDSON: Yeah. (She sits down opposite him.) MRS HUDSON: You might not think it, but it does. (John moves the fork closer to his mouth, then changes his mind and lowers it back to the plate, groaning quietly.) MRS HUDSON: It’s a different phase in your life. (John pushes the plate away from him a little.) MRS HUDSON: You meet new people ’cause you’re a couple ... JOHN: Mmm. MRS HUDSON: ... and then you just ... let your old friends slip away. JOHN: It won’t be like that. MRS HUDSON: Well, if you’ve found the right one – the person that you click with – it’s the best thing in the world. JOHN: Well, I have. I know I have. MRS HUDSON: Oh, I’m sure. She’s lovely! JOHN: Yeah. I think so. What about you? MRS HUDSON: Me? JOHN: Did you think you’d found the right one when you married Mr Hudson? MRS HUDSON (smiling): No! It was just a whirlwind thing for us. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I just got sort of swept along. JOHN: Right. MRS HUDSON: And then we moved to Florida. We had a fantastic time, but of course I didn’t know what he was up to. (Whispering) The drugs. JOHN (laughing): Drugs? (He grimaces at the pain in his head.) MRS HUDSON: He was running ... um, oh God, what d’you call it? Um, a ... cartel. (John props his head up with his fingers.) MRS HUDSON: Got in with a really bad crowd. JOHN: Right. MRS HUDSON: And then I found out about all the other women. I didn’t have a clue! So, when he was actually arrested for blwing someone’s head off ... (John’s eyes drift sideways, perhaps a little confused by the matter-of-fact way she just said the phrase.) MRS HUDSON: ... it was quite a relief, to be honest. JOHN: ... Right. MRS HUDSON: It was purely physical between me and Frank. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. (John lowers his head, cringing.) MRS HUDSON: I know: there was one night ... (John holds up a finger to stop her, then turns the finger to point upwards.) JOHN: Hang on – was that ... Sherlock? (There’s no sound coming from above them.) MRS HUDSON: Is it? (John continues to point upwards, and raises the finger of his other hand to his lips. After a moment they hear footsteps upstairs.) JOHN: That’s Sherlock. (He gets up and painfully walks towards the kitchen door, groaning quietly.) Upstairs, Sherlock has an online news article on his laptop screen. It shows a photograph of Major Sholto before he was injured, and a large strapline beside the photo reads, “‘He destroyed us all. And he gets a medal for it.”’ A few visible lines of text above and below the photo show that this is an interview with Madeline Small, the mother of one of the soldiers who died under Sholto’s command. The headline of the article reads, “V.C. Hero – The Unanswered Questions. Why did my boy have to die?” [Transcriber’s note: to see the full text of the online article about Sholto, together with the newspaper articles which Sherlock looks at later, and the newspaper articles at the beginning of the episode, click here.] Sherlock looks towards the living room door when he hears John climbing the stairs. He switches to a different tab on the laptop – the website for I DATED A GHOST.COM. John comes in and walks across to the dining table where Sherlock is sitting. SHERLOCK: There are going to be others. JOHN: Others? SHERLOCK: Victims, women. Most ghosts tend to haunt a single house – this ghost, however, is willing to commute, look. (He stands up and they look at a map of London spread out on the table behind the laptop. Sherlock has stuck a pin in various places which presumably indicate an appearance of the ‘ghost date’. There are seven pins in the map, forming a rough circle spanning a few miles around the Thames.) Overhead view of a large Council Chamber. The room has wood panelling on the walls and a blue carpet. Banks of benches with red leather-covered seats form a semi-circle. There are six rows of these benches in tiers. At the front of the room on top of a high dais is a large ornate bench – reminiscent of a judge’s bench in a courtroom – behind which is a chair where the Chairman would sit. This chair is high above the chamber floor. The chamber is initially empty but then the perspective changes and Sherlock is standing in front of the closed door at the rear of the room, and many women are standing silently in front of seats all around the room. Sherlock walks down the steps towards the floor, looking around him as he goes, then he reaches the bottom, walks across towards the Chairman’s bench and turns to face the seats. There are at least forty-eight women standing around the room. Sherlock slowly scans all of them, then pulls a thoughtful face and points towards one of the women to his right. SHERLOCK: Mmmmmm, not you. (The woman sits down. He points to another woman on the right.) SHERLOCK: Not you. (That woman sits down. He takes a few steps forward and points to a woman on the left-hand side of the seating.) SHERLOCK: Not you. (She sits and he points separately to two women behind her.) SHERLOCK: Not you. Not you. (The women sit down.) [Transcriber’s note: Your humble transcriber is so anally obsessed with the accuracy of her transcripts that normally she would type every single instance of what follows, carefully counting every single “Not you” and the location of the woman to whom Sherlock says it. However, it would probably make for very boring reading and so for speed, convenience and the nurturing of very sore typing fingers, suffice it to say that this scene continues for a long time, with Sherlock dismissing woman after woman, each of whom sits down.] (Eventually only four women remain standing. Sherlock looks around the room once more, then walks over to the nearest of the standing women. She is wearing a black dress.) SHERLOCK: Hi. WOMAN: Gail. (He turns and walks to the next nearest standing woman, who is wearing a denim jacket.) SECOND WOMAN: Charlotte. (He turns his head to look at the third woman, wearing a pink jacket.) THIRD WOMAN: Robyn. (He turns to the final standing woman, wearing a red dress and red leather jacket.) FOURTH WOMAN: Vicky. (He turns away and walks towards the Chairman’s bench, then turns back and looks across the room again. The perspective changes and now all the seated women have vanished and the four remaining women are standing in a semi circle in front of him. He looks at Gail.) SHERLOCK: How did you meet? GAIL: Came up to me in a pub. (He looks at Charlotte.) CHARLOTTE: Same gym as me. (He turns his head to Robyn.) ROBYN: We just got chatting on the bus. (He looks at Vicky, who lowers her eyes flirtatiously at him.) VICKY: Online. (He turns his head back towards Gail.) SHERLOCK: Name? GAIL: Told you. SHERLOCK: His name. GAIL: Oscar. (He turns his head to Charlotte and then in turn to the other two.) CHARLOTTE: Mike. ROBYN: Terry. VICKY: Um, “love_monkey.” (Sherlock frowns, then turns back to Gail.) SHERLOCK: Your place? ALL FOUR WOMEN (simultaneously): His place. SHERLOCK (to Gail): Address? (The four women simultaneously recite four different addresses. Your transcriber isn’t so a*l as to try and decipher what each of them says.) GAIL: Nothing happened. It was just ... very romantic. SHERLOCK (looking above their heads): Four women in four nights. He must have something special. GAIL: He was very charming. CHARLOTTE: He listened. ROBYN: He was sweet. VICKY: He had a lovely ... JOHN: You okay? (John is suddenly standing beside Sherlock. Sherlock raises his hand towards Vicky and there’s a beep as she falls silent. He lowers his hand and turns his head to John, and the two of them are now standing in the living room of 221B. John looks down at the coffee table which has six laptops open on it. One of them is showing a typed message reading, “VICKY: He had a lovely ...” Also on the table is a plate containing a slice of gammon steak with a pineapple slice on top of it, a fried egg and some chips.) JOHN: Let your food go cold. Mrs Hudson’ll play hell. SHERLOCK: Not now, John. (Unbuttoning his jacket, he squats down to the coffee table and types onto the laptop which is showing Vicky’s message. The screen is on the website I DATED A GHOST.COM and he and Vicky are talking on its forum. His message comes up reading, “SHERLOCK: Sorry about that.” Back in the Council Chamber, Sherlock’s hand is raised to Vicky but now he lowers it.) SHERLOCK: Sorry about that. (The beep sounds again.) VICKY: He had a lovely manner. (Sherlock looks away.) SHERLOCK: Different names, different addresses. (He turns to Gail.) SHERLOCK: Describe him. GAIL: Short blond hair. CHARLOTTE: Dark hair – long. ROBYN: Ginger. (She shrugs.) I like gingers. VICKY: Couldn’t tell. (Sherlock gives her a querying look.) VICKY (in a laid-back way, signifying that it was nothing unusual): He had a mask on. (Sherlock looks away. Without transition he is standing at the side of the Chairman’s bench, holding a newspaper and quickly turning the pages until he reaches the Obituaries page.) SHERLOCK: He’s stealing the identity of corpses ... (He works through a different newspaper to its Obituaries page. He zooms in on a message announcing the death of a Michael James Heaney.) SHERLOCK: ... getting the names from the Obituary columns. (He picks up another newspaper from the pile beside him and turns to the relevant page.) SHERLOCK: All single men. He’s using the dad man’s flat under the assumption it’ll be empty for a while. (He raises his head.) SHERLOCK: Free love nest. GAIL (looking down, appalled): I feel sick. ROBYN: It’s gruesome. CHARLOTTE: That’s awful. VICKY (looking impressed): Clever! TESSA: Bastard! (Sherlock – now standing in front of the women again – turns his head to see that Tessa is now standing between Charlotte and Robyn. In 221B, Sherlock’s head turns at a beep from another laptop lying on one of the dining chairs. He goes across to it, where Tessa’s message on the forum reads, “TESSA: BASTARD!” He types onto that computer and his message appears reading, “SHERLOCK: Hello Tessa”. In the Council Chamber, Sherlock greets her. She’s wearing casual clothes and a long cardigan.) SHERLOCK: Hello, Tessa. (She looks at him angrily.) SHERLOCK: Meanwhile, back to business. No-one wants to use a dad man’s home. (Vicky shrugs as if she’s not bothered. Sherlock throws her a disapproving look.) SHERLOCK: ... Least not until it’s been cleared. So, he disguises himself, steals the man’s home, steals his identity. JOHN (suddenly beside him in the chamber again): But only for one night. (Sherlock turns to look at him.) JOHN: Then he’s gone. SHERLOCK: He’s not a ghost, John. He’s a mayfly. He lives for a day. (He turns back to the women and John has gone again.) SHERLOCK: So – what was it he was looking for? (He turns his head to Gail.) SHERLOCK: Job. GAIL: Gardener. (She is now wearing a pale jumper and overalls.) CHARLOTTE: Cook. (She’s wearing a cook’s jacket and hat.) TESSA (now back in her uniform): Private nurse. ROBYN: I do security work. (She’s wearing a security officer’s uniform.) VICKY (also wearing the appropriate outfit for her job): Maid. (Sherlock looks down for a brief moment, then raises his head.) SHERLOCK: Obvious. You all work for the same person! (In 221B, he moves from laptop to laptop, typing onto each one, and in the Council Chamber information rapidly scrolls across the face of each of the women in turn. His research goes on for some time but finally, in the Council Chamber, he sighs.) SHERLOCK: No, not the same employer. Damn. (He screws his eyes closed.) SHERLOCK: Come on. We can do this. (He opens his eyes and looks towards Gail.) SHERLOCK: Ideal night out. GAIL: Clay pigeon shting. CHARLOTTE: Line dancing. TESSA (shrugging): Pictures? ROBYN: Wine in front of the telly. VICKY (smiling quirkily at him): Dungeon. (Sherlock shakes his head in disbelief. He turns his head to the front and shuts his eyes for a moment, then turns to Gail again.) SHERLOCK: Make-up. GAIL: Clarins. CHARLOTTE: No. 7. TESSA: Maybelline. ROBYN: Nothing special. VICKY: Whatever’s cheap. SHERLOCK: Perfume. GAIL: Chanel. CHARLOTTE: Chanel. TESSA: Chanel. (Sherlock’s face lights up with hope as he turns to Robyn.) ROBYN: Chanel. VICKY: Estée Lauder. (He shakes his head disappointedly at her, then looks directly at Tessa.) SHERLOCK: Ideal man? TESSA (looking off into the distance with a whimsical smile): George Clooney? (She grins at him. He rolls his eyes.) SHERLOCK: Oh, no. GAIL: Home-loving. CHARLOTTE: He’d have to like cuddling. ROBYN: Caring. VICKY: Ten things. (She holds up her thumb.) One: someone who isn’t competitive with other men. (Sherlock frowns at her, looking aghast.) VICKY (holding up her forefinger): Two: someone who isn’t constantly trying to define himself by his masculinity ... (Sherlock holds up his hand to her. She freezes. He closes his fingers and thumb together and there’s a beep from a computer. Sherlock looks up above the women.) SHERLOCK: There’s a unifying factor. There has to be. (He lowers his hand and frowns.) SHERLOCK: None of you reported anything stolen. (He looks down, then raises his eyes and points at the women one by one but this time not going straight round the semi-circle. Presumably he is working in the order in which the ‘ghost’ dated the women.) SHERLOCK: Security guard, gardener, cook, maid, private nurse. He’s romancing his way up a pecking order, somebody’s pecking order. (He closes his eyes.) SHERLOCK (sternly to himself): Come on, think. (His eyes open again.) SHERLOCK: Unless ... (He twitches a small, brief smile and turns to Gail.) SHERLOCK: Do you have a secret you’ve never told anyone? ALL FIVE WOMEN (simultaneously): No. (Sherlock smiles.) SHERLOCK: Gotcha. JOHN (suddenly at his side again): What d’you mean? SHERLOCK: Everyone has secrets, and they all replied too quickly. GAIL (looking anxious): Gotta go. (She walks away.) CHARLOTTE: See ya. (She too turns to leave.) SHERLOCK: No! ROBYN: Bye-bye. (She leaves.) SHERLOCK: Wait! VICKY: Sorry, sexy. (She winks at him.) Some secrets have to stay secret. (She walks away.) TESSA (smiling at him): Enjoy the wedding. (Sherlock makes an exasperated sound as she walks away. In 221B, Sherlock shuts down the lid on Tessa’s laptop and straightens up.) SHERLOCK: Why? Why would he date all of those women and not return their calls? JOHN: You’re missing the obvious, mate. SHERLOCK (turning to him): Am I? JOHN: He’s a man. SHERLOCK (slamming the lids down on each of the laptops by turn): But why would he change his identity? JOHN: Maybe he’s married. (Sherlock slowly straightens up as if realising something.) SHERLOCK: Ohh. RECEPTION. SHERLOCK: Married. Obvious, really. Our Mayfly Man was trying to escape the suffocating chains of domesticity ... (John grimaces and shakes his head while Mary widens her eyes briefly and then smiles at him.) SHERLOCK: ... and instead of endless nights in, watching the telly, or going to barbecues with awful dreadful boring people he couldn’t stand, he used his wits, cleverness and powers of disguise ... (he finally takes a breath, and smiles slightly) ... to play the field. He was ... (He stops when he realises that he has lost his audience again. The guests look silently back at him. He looks down to his right to see John looking back at him straight-faced and Mary wrinkling her nose and shaking her head slightly.) SHERLOCK: On second thoughts I probably should have told you about the Elephant in the Room. However, it does help to further illustrate how invaluable John is to me. I can read a crime scene the way he can understand a human being. I used to think that’s what made me special – quite frankly, I still do. But a word to the wise: should any of you require the services of either of us, I will solve your mrder, but it takes John Watson to save your life. Trust me on that – I should know. He’s saved mine so many times, and in so many ways. (He holds up his phone.) SHERLOCK: This blog is the story of two men and their frankly ridiculous adventures ... (He smiles, and the guests chuckle.) SHERLOCK: ... of mrder, mystery and mayhem. But from now on, there’s a new story – a bigger adventure. (He looks down at the newlyweds, who smile happily.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, pray charge your glasses and be upstanding. (He picks up his own glass while the guests do likewise and stand up. The photographer walks forward with his camera.) SHERLOCK (raising his glass): Today begin the adventures of Mary Elizabeth Watson and John Hamish Watson. (John sighs a little, while Mary giggles.) SHERLOCK: The two reasons why every single one of us is ... (He stops, freezing in place, staring blindly towards the guests. The photographer snaps several photos of him but the popping flashbulb doesn’t make him react. Sherlock’s fingers loosen slightly and his champagne glass slips out of them and begins a very slow-motion tumble towards the floor. In the Council Chamber, Sherlock – now in his wedding gear – lowers his raised hand and turns towards the five uniformed women.) SHERLOCK: What did you say? (He points at Tessa.) SHERLOCK (walking slowly towards her): You said, “John Hamish Watson.” You said that. You said, “Hamish.” (Flashback to the landlord hauling a drunk Sherlock up onto his knees.) SHERLOCK (in the flashback): ... whoa, whoa! TESSA (in the flashback): This is a famous detective. It’s Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson. SHERLOCK (circling around Tessa in the Council Chamber): How did you know? How did you know his middle name? (He walks backwards, still facing her.) He never tells anyone. He hates it. FLASHBACK. Sherlock, with at least ten unlit cigarettes stuffed in his mouth, walks across the living room of 221B. Walking past John, who is sitting at the dining table facing the windows and typing on his laptop, he frowns down at the screen and takes the cigarettes out of his mouth. He turns his back on John as he walks into his line of sight so that John can’t see the cigarettes. SHERLOCK (reciting what he has just seen at the top of John’s blog page): “John H. Watson”? JOHN (glancing briefly round at him): Yep. (As he continues typing, Sherlock sits down on the sofa, stuffing the cigarettes into a Persian slipper while keeping a wary eye on John in case he looks round. He taps the cigarettes down, then lies down on the sofa and shoves the slipper underneath it.) ANOTHER DAY. The boys are sitting at the kitchen table. John is reading the paper. SHERLOCK: Henry? JOHN (without looking up): Shut up. (Sherlock bites into a piece of toast.) ANOTHER DAY. Sherlock looks up from his microscope at the kitchen table and turns his head to where John is sitting in his armchair reading. SHERLOCK: Humphrey? JOHN (firmly): Shut up. ANOTHER DAY. Buttoning his jacket, Sherlock walks out of his bedroom and stops outside the door to the bathroom. The shower is running inside. SHERLOCK (loudly): Higgins? JOHN (loudly from inside the bathroom): Go. Away. (Grimacing, Sherlock walks on.) THE PRESENT. COUNCIL CHAMBER. SHERLOCK: Took him years to confide in me. FLASHBACK. John walks up the stairs of 221 carrying bags of shopping. Sighing tiredly, he walks into the living room where Sherlock is standing just to the left of the door with a piece of paper in his hands. John glances at it as he walks past, then stops and backs up. JOHN: That’s my birth certificate. SHERLOCK: Yep. (He loudly pops the ‘p’, and walks away. John stares after him.) THE PRESENT. COUNCIL CHAMBER. Sherlock looks quizzically at Tessa, then turns and walks towards the Chairman’s bench. SHERLOCK: And The Woman – she knew. FLASHBACK to Irene Adler and Sherlock having eyesex in the living room of 221B during the events of “A Scandal in Belgravia”. JOHN (abruptly): Hamish. (They both look at him.) JOHN: John Hamish Watson – just if you were looking for baby names. COUNCIL CHAMBER. SHERLOCK (still walking towards the front of the chamber): God knows where she is. (She is right in front of him, standing facing him, naked and looking at him intensely. He stops and sighs with annoyance. She reaches forward and strokes one finger down his cheek.) SHERLOCK (exasperated): Out of my head. I am busy. (She slowly pulls her hand away and he turns back to the other women. Irene has gone again.) SHERLOCK (to Tessa): There’s only one time that name’s been made public. FLASHBACK. A mock-up of the wedding invitation is on the screen of a laptop. The top part reads: Dr John Hamish WATSON & Miss Mary Elizabeth MORSTAN Request the pleasure of your company at their marriage John points at the screen. JOHN: Does it have to be on the invitation? MARY: It’s your name. (She, John and Sherlock are in 221B’s living room looking at the laptop.) MARY: It’s traditional. SHERLOCK (simultaneously): It’s funny. (John looks round at Sherlock while Mary bites back a smile.) TESSA (voiceover): Enjoy the wedding. At the reception, Sherlock’s glass continues its ultra-slow-motion fall towards the floor. In the Council Chamber, Tessa smiles brightly at Sherlock. TESSA: Enjoy the wedding. SHERLOCK (pointing at her): The wedding. You knew about the wedding; more importantly, you’d seen a wedding invitation. Now barely a hundred people had seen that invitation. The Mayfly Man only saw five women. For one person to be in both groups ... (he tilts his hand back and forth) ... could be a coincidence. MYCROFT (disapprovingly, offscreen): Oh, Sherlock. (Sherlock turns around. Mycroft is up on the dais, standing in front of the Chairman’s chair. The women have vanished.) MYCROFT: What do we say about coincidence? SHERLOCK (slowly walking towards him): The universe is rarely so lazy. MYCROFT: So, the balance of probability is ...? SHERLOCK: Someone went to great lengths to find out something about this wedding. MYCROFT: What great lengths? SHERLOCK (stopping, while continuing to stare intensely up at his brother): They lied, assumed false identities. MYCROFT: Which suggests ...? SHERLOCK: Criminal intent. MYCROFT: Also suggests ...? SHERLOCK: Intelligence, planning. MYCROFT: Clearly. But more importantly ...? The champagne glass continues its fall. SHERLOCK (in the Chamber): The Mayfly Man. The champagne glass continues downwards. SHERLOCK (in the Chamber): The Mayfly Man is ... SHERLOCK (at the reception): ... here today. (His champagne glass smashes on the floor at his feet. He looks down at it.) SHERLOCK (raising his head): Ooh, sorry. I ... (He looks down at the floor, making an exasperated noise and clearing his throat. The Master of Ceremonies/Head Waiter hurries over to him.) MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Another glass, sir? SHERLOCK (taking the glass from him): Thank you, yes. Thank you, yes. (He looks out at the guests.) MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Something is going to happen – right here. (At the reception, Sherlock looks around, clearly thinking frantically. He flickers back and forth between the Chamber and the reception but then looks at the guests.) SHERLOCK: Now, where were we? MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Could be any second. (Holding their glasses in the reception room, Mrs Hudson and Greg look a little anxious. Greg looks at Mrs H and frowns.) MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): You have control of the room. SHERLOCK (shaking his head a little in the reception room): Ah, yes. Raising glasses and standing up. Very good. Thank you. MYCROFT (sternly, in the Council Chamber): Don’t lose it. (At the reception, Sherlock raises both hands and gestures downwards.) SHERLOCK: And down again. (Confused, the guests start to sit down, murmuring amongst themselves. Sherlock looks at them for a moment, then puts his glass down on the table and straightens up.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, people tell you not to milk a good speech – get off early, leave ’em laughing. Wise advice I’ll certainly try to bear in mind. But for now ... (He puts one hand on the table and quickly jumps over to the other side. The guests gasp in surprise.) SHERLOCK: ... part two. (He walks into the central aisle between the tables.) SHERLOCK: Part two is more action-based. I’m gonna ... walk around, shake things up a bit. (He looks at each person as he walks past, tagging each of the men with a sign near them reading, “MAYFLY MAN?” The only male guest who doesn’t get a tag is young Archie.) SHERLOCK: Who’d go to a wedding? That’s the question. Who would bother to go to any lengths to get themselves to a wedding? (Two thirds of the way along the room he turns around.) SHERLOCK: Well, everyone. (He claps his hands once.) SHERLOCK: Weddings are great! Love a wedding. MARY (quietly, to John): What’s he doing? JOHN (watching his friend with concern): Something’s wrong. SHERLOCK (pointing towards him as he heads back along the room): And John’s great, too! Haven’t said that enough. Barely scratched the surface. I could go on all night about the depth and complexity of his ... jumpers ... (John closes his eyes in disbelief. Out on the floor Sherlock is pacing and turning back and forth, peering at each of the male guests and their imaginary tags.) SHERLOCK: ... and he can cook. Does ... a ... thing ... thing with peas ... (John and Mary exchange a puzzled glance. Sherlock continues to pace and look closely at the guests.) SHERLOCK: ... once. Might not be peas. Might not be him. But he’s got a great singing voice ... or somebody does. (He sighs in frustration, his teeth clenched.) SHERLOCK: Ahh, too many, too many, too many, too many! (He grimaces angrily, the “MAYFLY MAN?” tags now huge and overwhelming him. He stops and takes a breath and the tags disappear.) SHERLOCK: Sorry. Too many jokes about John! Now, er ... (Inside his head he slowly walks across the Council Chamber towards Mycroft again, staring up at him.) MYCROFT: Criminal intent. SHERLOCK (at the reception): Where was I? Ah, yes ... MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Extraordinary lengths. SHERLOCK (at the reception): Speech! (He points towards the top table, grinning round at the guests.) Speech. (He claps his hands together again.) Let’s talk about ... MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): All of which is suggestive of ...? (In the Chamber, Sherlock’s eyes widen and he presses his lips together to begin forming the word.) SHERLOCK (at the reception): ... mrder. (John sighs and lowers his head, while Mary frowns.) SHERLOCK: Sorry, did I say ‘mrder’? I meant to say ‘marriage’ – but, you know, they’re quite similar procedures when you think about it. The participants tend to know each other, and it’s over when one of them’s dad. (He emphatically sounds the ‘d’ at the end of the word. Again John sighs and lowers his head.) SHERLOCK: In fairness, mrder is a lot quicker, though. Janine! (She looks up a little wide-eyed.) SHERLOCK (walking over to stand behind one of the male guests): What about this one? Acceptably hot? (He grins at Janine, then looks at the woman sitting beside the man.) More importantly, his girlfriend’s wearing brand-new uncomfortable underwear ... (he zooms in on the top part of the woman’s dress, where the seam of her ill-fitting bra – or whatever she’s wearing underneath – is visible through the material; then he zooms across to a thread on the man’s jacket) ... and hasn’t bothered to pick this thread off the top of his jacket ... (he zooms to a smudge on the man’s neck) ... or point out the grease smudge on the back of his neck. Currently, he’s going home alone. (Sherlock now has his phone behind his own back and is rapidly typing onto it with his thumb.) SHERLOCK: Also, he’s a comics and sci-fi geek. They’re always tremendously grateful – really put the hours in. (He chuckles.) SHERLOCK: Geoff, the gents. (He looks across to Greg and jerks his head towards the door.) SHERLOCK: The loos, now, please. LESTRADE: It’s Greg. SHERLOCK: The loos, please. (Greg’s phone beeps a text alert.) LESTRADE (reaching into his pocket): Why? SHERLOCK: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s your turn. (He jerks his head towards the door again, grimacing. Greg looks at his phone and the new text message which reads: Lock this place down. LESTRADE: Yeah, actually, now you mention it ... (He stands up. Sherlock pockets his own phone.) JOHN: Sherlock, any chance of a – an end date for this speech? Gotta cut the cake. (While Greg heads out of the door, Sherlock smiles widely and dances down the aisle.) SHERLOCK: Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once, Vatican Cameos. (He directs the last two words directly to John in a conversational way as if they’re a natural part of the sentence. John straightens up in his chair.) MARY: What did he say? What’s that mean? JOHN (quietly, tugging the bottom of his waistcoat down): Battle stations. Someone’s gonna die. MARY: What?! (He puts his hand over hers, silently shushing her. Sherlock turns to look at the guests, where all the men are tagged with the ”MAYFLY MAN?” question again.) MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Narrow it down. (At the reception, Sherlock grimaces, his eyes screwed tightly shut.) MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Narrow it down. (Sherlock blinks in the reception room, lowering his head and screwing his eyes shut again.) MYCROFT (in the Council Chamber): Narrow. It. Down. (Standing in front of him in the Chamber, Sherlock roars loudly with frustration and rage and slaps himself hard on the right cheek. In the reception room, he does the same.) SHERLOCK (loudly, angrily): No! (In both worlds, he slaps his left cheek.) SHERLOCK: (loudly, angrily, in the reception room): No! (The tags disappear from above the men’s heads. Sherlock angrily points upwards with the index fingers of both hands.) SHERLOCK: Not you! Not you! (His mental image of Mycroft doubles, then floats away. Sherlock calms down and lowers his hands a little to point his fingers towards the top table.) SHERLOCK (quieter): You. (John straightens again, looking back at him.) SHERLOCK (walking towards him, now pointing at him with just one hand): It’s always you. John Watson, you keep me right. (John stands as he walks up to the table.) JOHN: What do I do? SHERLOCK: Well, you’ve already done it. Don’t solve the mrder. (Intensely) Save the life. (Drawing in a sharp breath through his nose, he turns towards the guests again with a manic grin on his face.) SHERLOCK: Sorry. Off-piste a bit. Back now. (High-pitched) Phew! (He claps his hands together and looks down at the floor.) SHERLOCK: Let’s play a game. (He raises his eyes while lowering his head a little more, staring intensely out into the room.) SHERLOCK: Let’s play mrder. (Behind him, John sits down again. Sherlock prowls forward, his eyes flickering around the room at the guests.) MRS HUDSON (disapprovingly): Sherlock. SHERLOCK (steepling his hands in front of his chin as he progresses forward): Imagine someone’s going to get mrder at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick? MRS HUDSON: I think you’re a popular choice at the moment, dear. SHERLOCK (gesturing behind him): If someone could move Mrs Hudson’s glass just slightly out of reach, that would be lovely. More importantly, who could you only kll at a wedding? (He turns back to look at the guests and gives each one – both the men and the women – a new tag reading, “TARGET?” A line leads from each tag down to the relevant person and at the end of that line a small white bullseye overlays their body.) SHERLOCK: Most people you can kll any old place. As a mental exercise, I’ve often planned the mrder of friends and colleagues. (Rubbing his hands together in an Evil Genius sort of way, he walks back along the room, then gestures towards John.) SHERLOCK: Now John I’d poison. (Mary nervously looks across to her husband.) SHERLOCK: Sloppy eater – dad easy. I’ve given him chemicals and compounds – that way, he’s never even noticed. He missed a whole Wednesday once, didn’t have a clue. Lestrade’s so easy to kll, it’s a miracle no-one’s succumbed to the temptation. (He turns and heads towards the back of the room again.) I’ve got a pair of keys to my brother’s house – I could easily break in there and asphyxiate him. (He makes strangly gestures with his hands, then seems to realise that he may have gone too far.) SHERLOCK: ... if, if the whim arose. TOM (quietly to Molly): He’s pissed, isn’t he? (Without even looking round at him, Molly sab a plastic fork onto the back of his hand.) TOM (grabbing at his hand): Ow! SHERLOCK: So, once again, who could you only kll here? (He turns and faces the guests again. A few chairs nearest him are now suddenly empty but still have their “TARGET?” tag pointing to the seats. He twirls his fingers and the tags disappear.) SHERLOCK: Clearly it’s a rare opportunity, so it’s someone who doesn’t get out much. (The camera angle changes and more guests – and their tags – have vanished.) SHERLOCK: Someone for whom a planned social encounter known about months in advance is an exception. Has to be a unique opportunity. (He turns around and more of the guests have gone.) SHERLOCK: And since klling someone in public is difficult ... (He turns again and more guests have disappeared.) SHERLOCK: ... klling them in private isn’t an option. Someone who lives in an inaccessible or unknown location, then. (He turns again and all the visible seats are now empty.) SHERLOCK: Someone private, perhaps, obsessed with personal security. (One final “TARGET?” tag drifts into view as he walks forward. It is pointing at the only person left in the room. Sherlock turns to face him. It is Major Sholto.) SHERLOCK: Possibly someone under thrat. (The question mark beside the word in the tag disappears, and then the word itself fades out. The bullseye superimposed over Sholto’s body flashes red for a moment and then also disappears. As if sensing Sherlock’s gaze, Sholto turns and looks at him. Sherlock stares back at him.) FLASHBACK. 221B LIVING ROOM. SHERLOCK: Major James Sholto. Who he? MARY: I don’t think he’s coming. JOHN: He’ll be there. FLASHBACK. EARLIER AT THE RECEPTION. JOHN: Where are you living these days? SHOLTO: Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere. FLASHBACK. ON THE PARK BENCH OUTSIDE THE BARRACKS. JOHN (to Sherlock): The press and the families gave him hell. He gets more death thrat than you. At the reception, everyone is back in the room. Sherlock tries to act nonchalantly as he walks over to a nearby table and picks up one of the name cards on it while pulling a pen on a chain from his waistcoat. SHERLOCK: Ooh! A recluse, small household staff. FLASHBACK TO THE COUNCIL CHAMBER. SHERLOCK: Job. GAIL: Gardener. CHARLOTTE: Cook. TESSA: Private nurse. VICKY: Maid. SHERLOCK (writing on the name card in the reception room): High turnover for additional security. FLASHBACK TO THE COUNCIL CHAMBER. ROBYN: I do security work. SHERLOCK (walking over to Sholto and casually dropping the name card down in front of him before walking away): Probably all signed confidentiality agreements. FLASHBACK TO THE COUNCIL CHAMBER. SHERLOCK: Do you have a secret you’ve never told anyone? ALL THE WOMEN (simultaneously): No. SHERLOCK (at the reception): There is another question that remains, however – a big one, a huge one: how would you do it? How would you kll someone in public? (Sholto picks up the name card and looks at the writing on it. It reads: IT’S YOU SHERLOCK: There has to be a way. This has been planned. ARCHIE (jumping up excitedly from his chair): Mr Holmes! Mr Holmes! SHERLOCK (stopping and turning to him): Oh, hello again, Archie. (He bends forward to get more down to Archie’s level.) What’s your theory? Get this right and there’s a headless nun in it for you. ARCHIE: The invisible man could do it. SHERLOCK (very quick-fre): The who, the what, the why, the when, the where? ARCHIE: The invisible man with the invisible Knfe. The one who tried to kll the Guardsman. (Sherlock gasps and straightens up, his eyes wide. In his mind he’s standing in front of his information wall at 221B, looking at all the wedding plans stuck up behind the sofa. He zooms in on a wedding invitation pinned to the wall, announcing the wedding at St Mary’s Church, Sutton Mallet on Saturday 18th May at 12 o’clock and after. He moves to look at his list of things to do and focuses on the word “Venue”. There’s a brief sht of the outside of the reception room. He looks at the word “Venue” again and this time sees an image of the barracks and soldiers parading outside. He shifts his focus to the word “Plan” and then sees a close-up of Private Bainbridge standing on guard outside the barracks, his gaze fixed on the three tourists over the road as they walk away and reveal the stalker. Sherlock moves his eyes to look at the word “Rehearsal”. In flashback, the Duty Sergeant walks into the shower room and raps on the cubicle door, calling Bainbridge’s name before he sees the slumped body and bloodstained water. Sherlock zooms in on the word “Rehearsal”. He grimaces.) (In the reception room Major Sholto gets to his feet, picks up his ceremonial sword propped against the window and turns to walk towards the door. Sherlock turns his head away, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he opens them again.) SHERLOCK (softly): Oh, not just planned. Planned and rehearsed. (He turns and watches as Sholto reaches the door and starts to open it. Sherlock turns back and heads quickly towards the top table, swiping someone’s champagne glass from a table as he goes.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a short interlude. (He skids to a halt in front of the top table and turns and holds up his glass.) SHERLOCK: The bride and groom! (A little uncertainly this time, the guests stand up and raise their glasses.) GUESTS: The bride and groom. (Instantly Sherlock turns back and bends down to John.) SHERLOCK: Major Sholto’s going to be be mrder. I don’t know how or by whom, but it’s going to happen. (He turns and starts making his way through the guests who are now blocking the aisle.) SHERLOCK: ’Scuse me, coming through! (John quickly turns and takes Mary’s head in one hand and kisses her.) SHERLOCK (pushing through the crowd): Consulting! JOHN (to Mary): Stay here. MARY: Please be careful. (John gets up and starts making his own way through the guests.) JOHN: ’Scuse me. Coming through! ’Scuse me. (Mary hesitates for only a few seconds, then jumps up and follows him.) MARY (to the guests): Sorry, one more. Whoops! So sorry! Thank you! (The guests murmur and chatter to each other in confusion.) Upstairs, Major Sholto opens the door to his bedroom and walks in. He lays his sword on the bed and then undoes the zip around his suitcase. Lifting the lid and laying it back, he picks up a folded shirt on the top of the contents and puts it down inside the lid. On top of the rest of his clothing is a large pstol. He picks it up. Downstairs, on a half-landing partway up the staircase, Sherlock stands with the tips of his fingers against his temples and his eyes screwed closed. John paces impatiently beside him. JOHN: How can you not remember which room? You remember everything. SHERLOCK (irritably): I have to delete something! (Mary runs around the corner and pelts up the stairs in between them, holding her skirt up with one hand to stop herself tripping over it.) MARY: Two oh seven. (The boys chase after her and Sherlock quickly overtakes her. She takes John’s hand and they hurry after him. Reaching the second floor, Sherlock knocks on the door of Room 207 and tries the handle.) SHERLOCK (rattling the door handle): Major Sholto? Major Sholto! (He slams the flat of his right hand repeatedly against the door.) SHERLOCK: Major Sholto! SHOLTO (sitting on a chair beside the bed and speaking loudly enough to be heard through the door): If someone’s about to make an attempt on my life, it won’t be the first time. I’m ready. (John walks towards the door. Sherlock steps back, shaking out his right hand and flexing the fingers.) JOHN: Major, let us in. MARY: Kick the door down. SHOLTO: I really wouldn’t. I have a gn in my hand and a lifetime of unfortunate reflexes. SHERLOCK (walking closer to the door again): You’re not safe in there. Whoever’s after you, we know that a locked room doesn’t stop him. SHOLTO: “The invisible man with the invisible Knfe.” SHERLOCK: I don’t know how he does it, so I can’t stop him, and that means he’ll do it again. SHOLTO (sternly): Solve it, then. SHERLOCK: I – I’m sorry? SHOLTO: You’re the famous Mr Holmes. Solve the case. On you go. (Sherlock straightens up, his eyes rapidly flickering from side to side.) SHOLTO: Tell me how he did it and I’ll open the door. (John steps forward again.) JOHN: Please, this is no time for games. Just let us in! You’re in danger! SHOLTO: So are you, so long as you’re here. (Mary watches Sherlock as he paces back and forth across the landing.) SHOLTO: Please, leave me. Despite my reputation, I really don’t approve of collateral damage. MARY (to Sherlock): Solve it. (He stops and looks at her.) SHERLOCK: Sorry? MARY: Solve it, and he’ll open the door, like he said. SHERLOCK: If I couldn’t solve it before, how can I solve it now? MARY: Because it matters now. SHERLOCK: What are you talking about? (He looks at John.) What’s she talking about? Get your wife under control. JOHN: She’s right. SHERLOCK: Oh, you’ve changed! JOHN: No, she is. (He turns and points at him.) Shut up. You are not a puzzle-solver – you never have been. You’re a drama queen. (Sherlock’s mouth drops open and he stares at him.) JOHN (louder): Now, there is a man in there about to die. (Sarcastically) “The game is on.” (Angrily, pointing at the door.) Solve it! (Sherlock bares his teeth at him, then his eyes suddenly snap upwards. He can see Private Bainbridge in full uniform standing at attention against a white background. Bainbridge rotates as if standing on a turntable, and Sherlock’s vision zooms in to the man’s white webbing belt. The image changes to Major Sholto in his dress uniform rotating on the invisible turntable, and again the view zooms in on his white webbing belt. Sherlock then recalls the waiter in the kitchen downstairs reaching down to take hold of the skewer pushed through the middle of the joint of beef. In the shower room at the barracks, Bainbridge unclips his belt. The waiter slowly begins to pull the skewer out of the joint. Bainbridge unwraps his belt from around his waist. The skewer comes free of the joint, and blood and juice stream out of the hole. Bainbridge stumbles slightly, looking uncomfortable. Blood continues to pour from the hole in the beef joint. The duty sergeant knocks on the door of the shower cubicle, calling Bainbridge’s name. Bainbridge is slumped on the floor inside and bloodstained water pours out under the door.) (Outside Sholto’s bedroom Sherlock – who had closed his eyes during the memories – opens them again. He steps over to Mary, takes hold of her head in both hands and kisses her forehead.) SHERLOCK (releasing her, then pointing towards John): Though, in fairness, he’s a drama queen too. MARY: Yeah, I know. (John frowns. Sherlock goes over to the door and speaks loudly.) SHERLOCK: Major Sholto, no one’s coming to kll you. I’m afraid you’ve already been klled several hours ago. SHOLTO: What did you say? SHERLOCK: Don’t take off your belt. SHOLTO: My belt? SHERLOCK (turning around and talking to the other two): His belt, yes. Bainbridge was sab hours before we even saw him, but it was through his belt. (Brief flashback of Sholto clipping his belt together when he got dressed for the wedding.) SHERLOCK: Tight belt, worn high on the waist. Very easy to push a small blade through the fabric and you wouldn’t even feel it. (John is nodding his understanding.) JOHN: The-the belt would bind the flesh together when it was tied tight ... SHERLOCK: Exactly. JOHN: ... and when you took it off ... SHERLOCK: Delayed action sab. All the time in the world to create an alibi. (He shakes the door handle.) SHERLOCK: Major Sholto? SHOLTO: So – I was to be klled by my uniform. How appropriate. (He stands up and looks at himself in the mirror on the wall.) MARY: He solved the case, Major. You’re supposed to open the door now. A deal is a deal. SHOLTO: I’m not even supposed to have this any more. They gave me special dispensation to keep it. I couldn’t imagine life out of this uniform. I suppose – given the circumstances – I don’t have to. (He carefully tosses the pstol onto the bed and then looks into the mirror again.) SHOLTO: When so many want you dad, it hardly seems good manners to argue. (He puts his right hand to the belt fastener and tightens his fingers ready to unclip it.) JOHN: Whatever you’re doing in there, James, stop it, right now. I will kick this door down. SHOLTO: Mr Holmes, you and I are similar, I think. (John turns away from the door and Sherlock walks closer.) SHERLOCK: Yes, I think we are. SHOLTO: There’s a proper time to die, isn’t there? SHERLOCK: Of course there is. SHOLTO: And one should embrace it when it comes – like a soldier. SHERLOCK (firmly): Of course one should, but not at John’s wedding. We wouldn’t do that, would we – you and me? We would never do that to John Watson. (Sholto closes his eyes. Outside, Sherlock steps away from the door and John walks closer, leaning towards the door and listening for any sound from the room. He straightens up and takes his jacket off.) JOHN: I’m gonna break it down. MARY: No, wait, wait, you won’t have to. JOHN: Hmm? (The door opens. Sholto glances briefly at Sherlock, then lowers his eyes before looking at John.) SHOLTO: I believe I am in need of medical attention. JOHN: I believe I am your doctor. (He follows Sholto as he turns and goes back into the room. Giving Sherlock a quick smile, Mary follows him. Sherlock closes his eyes for a moment, then follows them.) EVENING. An orchestral rendition of the waltz “On The Beautiful Blue Danube” by Johann Strauss II can be heard. In the foyer of the wedding venue, Sherlock and Janine are waltzing alone. Sherlock is counting time. SHERLOCK: One, two, three; der, der, der ... Ahh, pretty good. JANINE: Ooh! (They stop dancing.) SHERLOCK (releasing her): Just ... hold your nerve on your turning. JANINE (adjusting the top of her strapless bridesmaid’s dress): Why do we have to rehearse? SHERLOCK (leaning in and speaking confidentially): Because we are about to dance together in public, and your skills are appalling! (He smiles at her and she laughs.) JANINE: Well, you’re a good teacher. SHERLOCK: Mmm. JANINE: And you’re a brilliant dancer. SHERLOCK (quietly, leaning towards her again): I’ll let you in on something, Janine. JANINE (in a whisper): Go on, then. SHERLOCK: I love dancing. I’ve always loved it. JANINE: Seriously? SHERLOCK (quietly): Watch out. (Looking around to make sure that nobody else can see him, he swings both of his arms to the left, takes a sharp breath, rises onto his left foot and does a full-circle pirouette.) JANINE: Ooh! Woah! SHERLOCK (clearing his throat): Never really comes up in crime work but, um, you know, I live in hope of the right case. JANINE (sighing wistfully): I wish you weren’t ... (He turns and looks at her.) JANINE: ... whatever it is you are. SHERLOCK: I know. (John has just walked into view and has spotted them. He walks over.) JOHN: Well, glad to see you’ve pulled, Sherlock, what with mrder running riot at my wedding. (He claps his hand on Sherlock’s back.) SHERLOCK: One mrder... – one nearly mrder. (To Janine) Loves to exaggerate. You should try living with him. (The entrance door opens and Greg comes in.) LESTRADE: Sherlock? (He points back out the door.) Got him for you. SHERLOCK (clapping his hands together as the wedding photographer walks in): Ah, the photographer. Excellent! (To Greg) Thank you. (He walks over to the photographer and points at the camera he’s holding.) SHERLOCK: Er, may I have a look at your camera? PHOTOGRAPHER: Er ... (he pulls his camera back nervously but then holds it out to him) ... what’s this about? I was halfway home! SHERLOCK (taking the camera): You should have driven faster. (He looks at the screen on the back of the camera and starts flicking through the pictures.) SHERLOCK: Ah, yes. Yes, very good. There, you see? (He smiles.) Perfect. LESTRADE: What is? You gonna tell us? SHERLOCK (handing the camera to Greg): Try looking yourself. JOHN (walking to Greg’s side): Um, look for what? (Janine also walks over. Sherlock strolls closer to the photographer.) JOHN (pointing at the camera): Is the mrder in these photographs? SHERLOCK: It’s not what’s in the photographs; it’s what’s not in them – not in any of them. JOHN: Sherlock? The showing-off thing: we’ve discussed it before. SHERLOCK: There is always a man at a wedding who is not in any photograph but can go anywhere, and even carry an equipment bag around with him if he likes, and you never even see his face. (He walks closer to the photographer and looks down towards his hand.) You only ever see ... (Brief montage of the wedding pictures, and then the photographer going round the reception taking photos.) (Back in the present, Sherlock rapidly slaps one cuff of a pair of handcuffs around the photographer’s wrist and the other cuff around the frame of a nearby birdcage luggage trolley [Arthur Shappey would be so excited].) SHERLOCK: ... the camera. PHOTOGRAPHER: What are you doing? What is this? SHERLOCK (holding up his phone to show the screen to the others): Jonathan Small, today’s substitute wedding photographer – known to us as the Mayfly Man. His brother was one of the raw recruits klled in that incursion. Jonny sought revenge on Sholto, worked his way through Sholto’s staff, found what he needed ... (Cutaway sht of Small arranging a group of five wedding guests – one of whom is Sholto – for a formal photograph. He is moving the people around so that they can all be seen by the camera which is on a tripod in front of them.) SHERLOCK: ... an invitation to a wedding – the one time Sholto would have to be out in public. So, he made his plan ... (Cutaway sht of Small, wearing casual clothes and a cap, outside the gates of the barracks. He moves to stand beside Bainbridge and then holds up a smartphone as if he’s about to take a selfie of himself with the Guardsman.) SHERLOCK: ... and rehearsed the mrder ... (Cutaway sht of Small with the wedding group, moving to take Sholto by the shoulders to move him into position.) SHERLOCK: ... making sure of every last detail. (Standing behind Sholto, Small holds his shoulder with one hand and puts his other hand down to the back of his belt. We can’t see what he’s holding but we hear a sharp noise as the spring-loaded slender blade sh*t through the belt and into Sholto’s back. Outside the barracks, still holding his phone up with one hand, Small stands slightly behind Bainbridge and we hear the sharp noise of the blade sab through the Guardsman’s belt. Bainbridge jolts slightly and blinks. At the sh*t, Sholto sways slightly and looks a little uncomfortable. Small glares mrder at him from behind, withdraws his hand and then puts it into his jacket’s inside breast pocket, tucking the blade out of sight. At the barracks, Small walks away from Bainbridge. At the sh*t, Small gives Sholto one last glare from behind, then walks forward to his camera.) (Back in the reception foyer, Small looks calmly at Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: Brilliant, ruthless, almost certainly a monomaniac – though, in fairness, his photographs are actually quite good. (He tosses his phone to Greg.) SHERLOCK: Everything you need’s on that. You probably ought to ... arrest him or something. (Nearby, Mary comes into view, apparently looking for John. She spots him, smiles and hurries towards him. Janine, standing beside Sherlock, leans closer and speaks quietly without looking at him.) JANINE: Do you always carry handcuffs? SHERLOCK: Down, girl. MARY (holding out her hand to John): Come on, quick! (She reaches his side and John puts his arm around her as she turns and sees Small nearby. He is looking at Sherlock fixedly.) SMALL: It’s not me you should be arresting, Mr Holmes. SHERLOCK: Oh, I don’t do the arresting. (He nods towards Greg.) I just farm that out. SMALL: Sholto – he’s the kller, not me. I should have k*lled him quicker. (He grins manically, then his smile fades and he shakes his head.) SMALL: I shouldn’t have tried to be clever. SHERLOCK (softly): You should have driven faster. (He takes his hands from behind his back and crooks one arm to Janine. She takes it and they walk away. John and Mary follow them. Greg looks down at Sherlock’s phone, then looks at Small.) LESTRADE: Right ... In the reception room, the tables have been cleared away. Looking into each other’s eyes, Mary and John are dancing a slow waltz in the middle of the room to the sound of a single violin while all the guests stand around the edge of the room and watch them. On a low stage at the end of the room Sherlock is playing his violin. The tune is the same one we heard at the beginning of the episode. He sways gently as he plays, his eyes fixed on the newlyweds. As the tune draws to an end, John shifts one hand to Mary’s back, holds her by the waist with the other and starts to dip her backwards. Mary gasps. MARY: Really?! (Chuckling, he bends her back as she giggles. He kisses her as the tune ends. The guests break into applause and some of them cheer. Everyone is looking at the happy couple except Janine who directs her applause towards Sherlock. She whoops at him.) JANINE: Yeah! (She whoops again. Sherlock looks at her for a moment, then turns to the music stand in front of him. He had taken off his buttonhole flower and put it on the stand so that it wouldn’t get in the way while he was playing and now he picks it up, shows her what he’s holding and then tosses it across the room towards her. She catches it. John – who has pulled Mary upright again and is laughing happily – waves his thanks to Sherlock, then kisses Mary again as Sherlock steps to the nearby microphone.) SHERLOCK: Ladies and gentlemen, just, er, one last thing before the evening begins properly. Apologies for earlier. A crisis arose and was dealt with. (He draws in a breath.) SHERLOCK: More importantly, however, today we saw two people make vows. I’ve never made a vow in my life, and after tonight I never will again. So, here in front of you all, my first and last vow. Mary and John: whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on I swear I will always be there, always, for all three of you. (He hesitates momentarily, then stutters.) SHERLOCK: Er, I’m sorry, I mean, I mean two of you. All two of you. Both of you, in fact. I’ve just miscounted. (He takes a sharp breath. John and Mary exchange a slightly worried look.) SHERLOCK: Anyway, it’s time for dancing. (Over his shoulder to the DJ on the stage) Play the music again, please, thank you. (Disco lights begin to flash and Sherlock gestures grandly to the guests as Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons’ song “December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)” starts to play.) SHERLOCK: Okay, everybody, just dance. Don’t be shy! (He walks down off the stage, still gesturing to the crowd.) SHERLOCK: Dancing, please! (The guests start to move onto the floor and begin to dance.) SHERLOCK: Very good! (He walks over to Mary and John who look quizzically at him.) SHERLOCK: Sorry, that was one more deduction than I was really expecting. MARY: “Deduction”? SHERLOCK (looking intensely at her): Increased appetite ... (Flashback to Mary taking one of the canapés from the waiter’s tray.) MARY (in flashback): Starving. SHERLOCK: ... change of taste perception ... (Flashback to Mary grimacing at her wine glass.) MARY (in flashback): Urgh. I chose this wine. It’s bloody awful. SHERLOCK: ... and you were sick this morning. You assumed it was just wedding nerves. You got angry with me when I mentioned it to you. All the signs are there. MARY: “The signs”? (Sherlock glances across to John, then turns his eyes back to her.) SHERLOCK: The signs of three. (His gaze drops to her abdomen.) MARY: What?! SHERLOCK: Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test. (John sighs and drops his head, almost bending over double. Mary grins delightedly at Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: W... th... the statistics for the first trimester are ... JOHN (straightening up): Shut up. (Sherlock freezes in the middle of forming his next word. He looks at John as if waiting for permission to continue.) JOHN: Just ... shut up. SHERLOCK: Sorry. (John turns to Mary.) JOHN (looking annoyed with himself): How did he notice before me? I’m a bloody doctor. SHERLOCK: It’s your day off. JOHN: It’s your day off! SHERLOCK: Stop-stop panicking. JOHN: I’m not panicking. MARY: I’m pregnant – I’m panicking. SHERLOCK: Don’t panic. None of you panic. (The Watsons both look down, their faces full of concern.) SHERLOCK: Absolutely no reason to panic. JOHN: Oh, and you’d know, of course? SHERLOCK: Yes, I would. You’re already the best parents in the world. Look at all the practice you’ve had! JOHN: What practice? SHERLOCK: Well, you’re hardly gonna need me around now that you’ve got a real baby on the way. (John stares, then Sherlock smiles happily at him. John laughs and reaches out to cup the back of his neck. Laughing even more, he turns to his wife and puts his other hand on her shoulder as she begins to smile with delight. Sherlock turns his smile towards Mary, but after a moment the smile begins to fade a little.) JOHN (to Mary): You all right? MARY (a little breathlessly): Yeah. (John turns back to Sherlock, smiling joyfully. They look at each other for a long moment, then John breaks the eye contact and they both look a bit awkward. There’s a slightly embarrassed pause for a couple of seconds.) SHERLOCK (abruptly): Dance. JOHN: Mm? SHERLOCK: Both of you, now, go dance. We can’t just stand here. People will wonder what we’re talking about. JOHN: Right. (Mary reaches out to touch Sherlock’s arm, her voice tearful.) MARY: And what about you? JOHN: Well, we can’t all three dance. There are limits! SHERLOCK: Yes, there are. (John clears his throat. Still looking tearful, Mary turns to John.) MARY: Come on, husband. Let’s go. JOHN (pointing over his shoulder): This isn’t a waltz, is it? (She laughs.) SHERLOCK: Don’t worry, Mary, I have been tutoring him. JOHN: He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. (Turning to face her, he takes her right hand with his left and puts his other hand on her waist.) JOHN: Mrs Hudson came in one time. Don’t know how those rumours started! (He sniggers. Giggling, she puts her left hand on his shoulder and they dance off into the crowd. Looking over John’s shoulder, Mary smiles at Sherlock and mouths what may be a ‘thank you’. He smiles, then nods to her. As his friends dance away, he lowers his eyes, then slowly turns and looks at everybody dancing all around him, keeping his head lowered as if trying not to meet anyone’s eyes. He looks very lost and alone in the middle of the crowd. After a few moments, however, he seems to have a thought and lifts his head, still looking around but now with more intent. Eventually he sees Janine dancing some distance away. She is wearing his buttonhole flower pinned to the top of her dress. She looks across the room and smiles at him. Returning her smile he starts to walk towards her and she lifts her hand and points to her right with her thumb up, grinning happily. Sherlock stops as he realises that she’s dancing with the “comics and sci-fi geek” he had recommended to her earlier. She turns away and continues to dance with her new friend. Sherlock looks reflective for a few seconds, then turns towards the stage. On the music stand is the hand-written music he played for the newlyweds. In the top right-hand corner is written: Waltz, for Mary & John by Sherlock Holmes Sherlock picks up the music and folds it into an envelope, which he puts onto the stand. Written on the envelope is: Dr. and Mrs Watson Leaving the stage he walks slowly through the guests. Molly, dancing with Tom and Mrs Hudson, looks across the room and watches him for a few seconds, then turns back to the others.) In the garden outside the reception room, as the revellers dance on, Sherlock puts his coat on and, with the collar turned up to the max, slowly walks away.	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "03x02 - The Sign of Three"}	foreverdreaming
The scene opens on a pair of thin rimmed spectacles lying on top of a table. LADY SMALLWOOD (offscreen): Mr Magnussen, please state your full name for the record. MAGNUSSEN (in a heavy Danish accent): Charles Augustus Magnussen. (We see Lady Smallwood from Magnussen’s viewpoint. She is a woman in her early sixties. She is sitting at another table some distance away, facing him. With his glasses off, his view of the woman is blurred.) LADY SMALLWOOD: Mr Magnussen, how would you describe your influence over the Prime Minister? MAGNUSSEN: The British Prime Minister? LADY SMALLWOOD: Any of the British Prime Ministers you have known. (We now see the layout of the room. Magnussen sits alone at a table in a large room. The wall to his left is floor-to-ceiling glass. He is facing three more tables which are laid out in a U-shape. There are eleven people sitting at these tables. Each person has a microphone on a stand in front of them, and the session is being filmed and projected onto a screen behind Lady Smallwood. She sits at the centre of the table facing Magnussen. She is clearly the chairperson of what must be the parliamentary commission to which a rolling news headline referred in “The Empty Hearse” at the same time that the TV news announced that Sherlock was alive. There is a glassed-off viewing gallery at the rear of the room where observers – perhaps mostly journalists – are sitting and watching the proceedings with headphones on their ears. Magnussen answers all his questions in a flat tone, showing no emotion.) MAGNUSSEN: I never had the slightest influence over any of them. Why would I? LADY SMALLWOOD (looking through a report on the table in front of her): I notice you’ve had ... seven meetings at Downing Street this year. (She looks up at him.) Why? MAGNUSSEN: Because I was invited. LADY SMALLWOOD: Can you recall the subjects under discussion? MAGNUSSEN: Not without being more indiscreet than I believe is appropriate. (A man to the right of Lady Smallwood leans forward to his microphone.) GARVIE: Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor, a private individual and, in fact, a foreign national should have such regular access to our Prime Minister? (While he has been speaking, Magnussen has picked up his glasses and put them on. As soon as Garvie comes into focus, information appears in front of Magnussen’s eyes in a white font: JOHN GARVIE MP ROCKWELL SOUTH ADULTERER (SEE FILE) REFORMED ALCOHOLIC prn PREFERENCE: NORMAL FINANCES: 41% DEBT (SEE FILE) STATUS UNIMPORTANT then, in red underneath: PRESSURE POINT: > The last line flashes momentarily.) MAGNUSSEN: I don’t think it’s wrong that a private individual should accept an invitation. (The line stops flashing and adds further information: PRESSURE POINT: > DISABLED DAUGHTER (SEE FILE) MAGNUSSEN: However, you have my sincere apologies for being foreign. GARVIE: That’s not what I meant. That is not in any way ... LADY SMALLWOOD (talking over him): Mr Magnussen, can you recall an occasion when your remarks could have influenced government policy or the Prime Minister’s thinking in any way? (While she has been speaking, Magnussen has turned his gaze to her and information immediately appears in front of his eyes.) LADY ELIZABETH SMALLWOOD MARRIED SOLVENT FORMER GYMNAST prn PREFERENCE: NONE VICES: NONE and, in red underneath: PRESSURE POINT: >SEARCHING The line flashes for a moment. Magnussen takes off his glasses and reaches for a small cloth on the table.) MAGNUSSEN: No. LADY SMALLWOOD: Are you sure? (Magnussen pauses while he cleans the lenses on his glasses and then puts them on again. He looks at Lady Smallwood and the information about her reappears in front of his eyes. The basic details about her then disappear leaving just the red line which is no longer flashing and now reads: PRESSURE POINT: > HUSBAND MAGNUSSEN (holding her gaze): I have an excellent memory. [Transcriber’s note: on the Region 2 DVD of this episode, when Magnussen looks at Lady Smallwood and sees the text in front of his eyes, it actually reads ‘Lady Alicia Smallwood’, not ‘Lady Elizabeth Smallwood’. This error was not on the version transmitted by the BBC, and whoever let the wrong version appear on the DVD wants a good slapping. Anyway, onwards ...] DUSK. Ornate electronic gates open across a wide drive, and a black car bearing the licence plate 1 CAM drives through and progresses along the drive which curves across the centre of a small lake. At the end of the drive is a large beautiful and almost futuristic-looking house with tall windows and curved walls. At the house, a man in a suit opens the door to Magnussen and he walks into an opulent-looking hall which has walls that are part bare pale grey brick and part plastered in white. The floor is a pale colour and glass panels line the staircases. Magnussen walks downstairs, passing a kitchen which is all pale brown tiling and stainless steel. He progresses to a glass wall with a glass door in it which leads into a room – possibly a study – which has a table inside on which are some slender and strange-looking ornaments. He goes in and walks across to a double set of wooden doors. He pauses for a moment, then opens them. He walks down a light brown wooden spiral staircase, again lined with glass panels. Further down, the spiral staircase becomes narrower and is now made of light grey metal. The stairs lead into a large library. The shelves are full of files and ledgers. He walks through the stacks, his fingers raised and flicking towards various shelves as if he is trying to remember where he has put something specific. At the rear of the library the room becomes familiar to us and we realise that this is the place where the man we now know to be Magnussen watched the footage of Sherlock rescuing John from the bonfire at the end of “The Empty Hearse”. It is dark and creepy in this area and the grotesque dolls, stuffed animals and sculptures are still on display. Magnussen goes to a rotating card index and flicks through it until he finds what he wants, then he moves on and soon after we see him looking at a file which has a photograph of Lady Smallwood paperclipped to the inside. He smiles a little. Next to her photograph is a picture of a man of around her age, and now Magnussen slides under the paperclip a photo of a beautiful girl who looks to be in her late teens. The girl has ornately coiffed hair and is wearing a strappy white top and is looking directly into the camera, clearly posing for the photograph. Not long afterwards, Magnussen is sitting in a chair facing a large wall. A film projector whirrs beside him and the photograph of the girl is now being projected onto the wall. He is holding the original photograph in one hand and looking at it. After a moment he raises the photo to his mouth and runs one corner slowly down his bottom lip. Some time later Lady Smallwood is sitting at a table in a room with several other tables and chairs scattered around. It’s possible that this room is in an exclusive club similar to The Diogenes Club. She is looking at paperwork. A smartly dressed attendant speaks to a man near the door. ATTENDANT: Your car’s waiting outside, sir. See you tomorrow. (The man leaves. Magnussen is sitting in an armchair some feet away from the table. Lady Smallwood puts down her papers and pen and looks across to Magnussen as he stands up and walks across the room towards her.) MAGNUSSEN: May I join you? LADY SMALLWOOD: I don’t think it’s appropriate. MAGNUSSEN: It isn’t. (He goes over to a wheeled chair nearby and rolls it across to the side of her table.) LADY SMALLWOOD: Mr Magnussen, outside the enquiry we can have no contact, no communication at all. (Magnussen sits down, then reaches out and grasps her hand.) LADY SMALLWOOD: Please don’t do that. MAGNUSSEN: In 1982 your husband corresponded with Helen Catherine Driscoll. LADY SMALLWOOD: That was before I knew him. MAGNUSSEN: The letters were lively, loving – some would say explicit – and currently in my possession. LADY SMALLWOOD: Will you please move your hand? MAGNUSSEN (narrating part of one of the letters): “I long, my darling, to know the touch of your ... (he pauses briefly, then continues) ... body.” LADY SMALLWOOD: I know what was in the letters. MAGNUSSEN: She was fifteen. LADY SMALLWOOD: She looked older. MAGNUSSEN: Oh, she looked delicious. We have photographs, too – the ones she sent him. (He smacks his lips.) Yum yum. LADY SMALLWOOD: He was unaware of her age. He met her only once before the letters began. When he discovered the truth, he stopped immediately. Those are the facts. MAGNUSSEN: Facts are for history books. I work in news. LADY SMALLWOOD: Your hand is sweating. MAGNUSSEN: Always, I’m afraid. I have a condition. LADY SMALLWOOD: It’s disgusting. MAGNUSSEN: Ah, I’m used to it. (He strokes his finger across the top of her hand.) The whole world is wet to my touch. LADY SMALLWOOD: I will call someone. I will have you removed. (She tries to withdraw her hand from his but he clamps his fingers around it.) MAGNUSSEN: What is that? (He gently lifts her hand, turns it over and then clamps his fingers around it again as he raises her wrist towards his face and sniffs it.) MAGNUSSEN: Claire de la Lune? (He looks up at her.) A bit young for you, isn’t it? (She pulls her hand free and flails towards him but he seizes her arm and holds it still.) MAGNUSSEN: You want to ht me now? Could you, still? You’re an old lady now. Perhaps you should settle for calling someone. (She tugs her hand free and this time he releases it. She looks away.) MAGNUSSEN: Well? Go on. (She continues to look away.) MAGNUSSEN: No? Because now there are consequences. I have the letters and therefore I have you. LADY SMALLWOOD: This is blackmail. MAGNUSSEN: Of course it isn’t blackmail. This is ... ownership. (She turns to glare at him.) LADY SMALLWOOD: You do not own me. (The attendant walks across the room towards them but stops some distance away. Magnussen’s eyes turn briefly as if hearing his footsteps but otherwise he takes no notice of him. Instead, he half-rises, leans towards Lady Smallwood, sticks out his tongue and runs the tip of it up the side of her face. She cringes. He sits back down.) MAGNUSSEN: Claire de la Lune. (He picks up a paper napkin from the tray on her table, sticks his tongue out again and rubs the napkin over it.) MAGNUSSEN: It never tastes like it smells, does it? (Lady Smallwood stares ahead of herself. He puts the napkin down, gives her one last look and then stands and walks away.) MAGNUSSEN (to the attendant): Lady Smallwood’s bill is on me. See to it. ATTENDANT: Yes, Mr Magnussen. (Lady Smallwood lowers her head and lets out a shuddering breath.) Later, she is being driven home. Sitting in the back of her Rolls Royce, she is holding an open compact mirror in one hand and has a handkerchief pressed to the side of her face where Magnussen licked it. She breathes out shakily. LADY SMALLWOOD (quietly): Oh, God. (Her chauffeur looks in his rear view mirror at her.) CHAUFFEUR: You all right, ma’am? LADY SMALLWOOD: Fine, yes. (She lowers the handkerchief and looks at herself in her compact mirror.) LADY SMALLWOOD (softly, angrily): Magnussen. (Furiously she snaps the compact closed.) LADY SMALLWOOD (louder, but to herself): No-one stands up to him. No-one dares. No-one even tries. (She picks up her ornate bottle of Claire de la Lune perfume from her handbag and starts spraying herself with it.) LADY SMALLWOOD: There isn’t a man or woman in England capable of stopping that disgusting creature ... (She stops, staring out of the window for a moment.) CHAUFFEUR: Ma’am? LADY SMALLWOOD: Turn the car around. We’re going back into town. Turn around. (The chauffeur does a U-turn and starts driving back the way they just came.) CHAUFFEUR: Where are we going, ma’am? LADY SMALLWOOD: Baker Street. OPENING CREDITS. John and Mary are asleep in bed, Mary’s hand resting on top of John’s on top of the covers. John’s hand twitches as his dream flashes back to his time in Afghanistan and he hears gn and explsin and sees his comrades fall and grimace in pain around him. He shakes his head in his sleep and his dream moves to a flashback of Sherlock during their first meeting at Baker Street. SHERLOCK (in the dream): Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths? JOHN (in the dream): Enough for a lifetime. (In the Watsons’ bedroom there’s a pounding sound nearby, as if someone is knocking on the front door.) SHERLOCK (in the dream): Wanna see some more? JOHN (in the dream): Oh, God, yes. (The banging sound comes again and John jolts and sits up in bed. Half asleep, in his mind’s eye he can see Sherlock looking intensely at him.) SHERLOCK: The game is on. (He smiles.) (John wakes up properly and throws back the covers. Now wearing a dressing gown over his night clothes, he goes to the front door where someone is still knocking. He opens the door and sees a woman standing there looking back at him. She has clearly been crying for some time.) WOMAN (tearfully): I know it’s early. (She starts to cry.) Really, I’m sorry. (John stares at her a little blankly. Mary comes into view at the end of the hall, putting her dressing gown on. She peers down the hall.) MARY: Is that Kate? JOHN: Y-yeah, it’s Kate. (Kate sobs, holding a paper tissue to her nose.) MARY: Invite her in? JOHN: Er, sorry, yes. D-d’you wanna come in, Kate? (He steps aside and Kate walks down the hall towards Mary, still crying.) MARY (sympathetically): Hey ... Later, Mary and Kate are sitting on the sofa. Mary is stroking Kate’s arm while she continues to cry. MARY: It’s all right. (John comes over and puts two mugs onto the coffee table.) JOHN: There you go. MARY (to John): It’s Isaac. JOHN (to Kate): Ah, your husband. MARY: Son. JOHN: Son, yeah. KATE: He’s gone missing again. Didn’t come home last night. (Mary lets out a sympathetic sigh and looks at John.) MARY: The usual. JOHN: He’s the drugs one, yeah? (He starts to pace back and forth. Kate breaks down in tears again.) MARY: Er, yeah, nicely put, John. JOHN: Look, is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I’ve not seen him in ages. MARY: About a month. (John continues pacing, the fingers of his left hand twitching.) KATE: Who’s Sherlock Holmes? MARY (looking at John): See? That does happen. KATE: There’s a – a place they all go to, him and his ... friends. (Cutaway close-up of someone cooking-up a drug in a spoon with a lighter held underneath. Nearby, someone blearily props their head on their hand.) KATE (voiceover): They all ... do whatever they do ... (The first person clicks the lighter closed.) KATE: ... sh*t up, whatever you call it. JOHN: Where is he? KATE: It’s a house. It’s a dump. I mean, it’s practically falling down. JOHN: No, the address. (Mary turns and looks at him.) JOHN: Where, exactly? Shortly afterwards John is dressed and walking down the path outside the house and heading towards their car parked at the kerb. Mary, still in her pyjamas and dressing gown, is following him. MARY: Seriously? JOHN (turning back to her): Why not? She’s not going to the police. Someone’s got to get him. MARY (stopping at the gate as John continues on): Why you? JOHN: I’m being neighbourly. MARY: Since when? JOHN (chuckling briefly): Since now. Since this exact minute. MARY: Why are you being so ...? (She twirls her hands expressively.) JOHN (stopping at the driver’s door and turning back to her): What? MARY: I dunno. What’s the matter with you? JOHN (loudly): There is nothing the matter with me. (Quickly, less forcefully) Imagine I said that without shouting. MARY: I’m trying. (She walks briskly towards the passenger side of the car.) JOHN: No, you can’t come. You’re pregnant. MARY: You can’t go. I’m pregnant. (She opens the passenger door and gets in, shutting the door. John looks away for a moment, then gets into the car.) Later, they have parked on a piece of concreted waste ground outside the address Kate gave them. John opens the boot of the car and takes something out, then walks round to the passenger side. Mary laughs and points at what he’s tucking into the top of his jeans. MARY: What is that?! JOHN: It’s a tyre lever. MARY: Why? JOHN (nodding towards the house): ’Cause there were loads of smackheads in there, and one of them might need help with a tyre. If there’s any trouble, just go. I’ll be fine. (He turns and starts to walk towards the house but Mary gets out of the car.) MARY: Er, John, John, John, John. (He stops and turns back to her.) MARY: It is a tiny bit sexy. JOHN (nonchalantly): Yeah, I know. (He walks across to the front door of the house, which has a large sign stuck to the front of it saying, “PRIVATE PROPERTY. KEEP OUT,” and bangs loudly on the door.) JOHN: Hello? (The door is opened by a young man wearing a jacket with the hood pulled up over his head. He looks scruffy and dirty.) BILL: What d’you want? JOHN: ’Scuse me. (He barges his way in and walks down the hall. Bill looks outside for a moment, then turns towards John.) BILL: Naah, naah, you can’t come in ’ere! JOHN (looking into a room as he walks past): I’m looking for a friend. (He continues on, looking into doorways as he goes.) JOHN: A very specific friend – I’m not just browsing. (Reaching the last room, he looks in there and then starts walking back again.) BILL: You’ve gotta go. No-one’s allowed ’ere. JOHN (stopping several paces away from Bill and clearing his throat): Isaac Whitney. You seen him? (Bill takes a flick-Knfe from his pocket and snaps the blade open, holding it towards John.) JOHN: I’m asking you if you’ve seen Isaac Whitney, and now you’re showing me a Knfe. Is it a clue? (Bill gestures with his Knfe towards the open door behind him.) JOHN: Are you doing a mime? BILL: Go. Or I’ll cut you. JOHN: Ooh, not from there. Let me help. (He walks closer, stopping close enough to Bill that he could sab him if he wanted to. Bill stares back at him wide-eyed.) JOHN (now in full soldier mode): Now, concentrate. (Slowly, precisely) Isaac Whitney. BILL: Okay, you asked for it. (Before he can even think about moving, John lashes out with his left hand, seizing Bill’s right arm and slamming his right hand down onto the arm. As Bill cries out in pain John wraps his right hand round the front of Bill’s neck and slams him against the wall, then uses his right foot to sweep Bill’s feet from under him. Bill slumps to the floor and John steps back. Bill chokes and groans in pain. John bends down and picks up the flick-Knfe which has fallen to the floor.) JOHN: Right. (He squats down beside Bill.) JOHN: Are you concentrating yet? BILL: You broke my arm! JOHN: No, I sprained it. (He looks all around to make sure there’s no one else nearby.) BILL: It feels squishy! Is it supposed to feel squishy? (He holds his right arm out to John.) BILL: Feel that! (John reaches out and squeezes the arm. Bill groans.) JOHN: Yeah, it’s a sprain. I’m a doctor – I know how to sprain people. (He releases the arm. Bill groans.) JOHN: Now where is Isaac Whitney? BILL: I don’t know! (John gives him a look.) BILL: Maybe upstairs. JOHN: There you go. (He pats Bill’s leg.) Wasn’t that easy? (He stands up and walks towards the stairs.) BILL (grumpily): No. It’s really sore. You’re mental, you are. JOHN (pocketing the flick-Knfe as he goes): No. Just used to a better class of criminal. (He walks up the stairs and into a large room at the top. Several people are lying or sitting on mattresses around the edge of the room. All of them look very stoned and unaware of what’s going on in the real world. Grimacing, John walks slowly across the room.) JOHN: Isaac? Isaac Whitney? (He walks over to two people lying side by side on mattresses.) JOHN (quietly): Isaac? (One of them tiredly raises a hand. The young man gazes blearily up at John as he walks to his side and kneels down beside him.) JOHN: Hello, mate. (He puts a supporting hand behind his back.) JOHN: Sit up for me? Sit up. (He helps him to sit, then lifts one of his eyelids. The boy’s eyes roll uncontrollably and he tries to focus on John.) ISAAC: Doctor Watson? JOHN (lifting his other eyelid): Yep. ISAAC: Where am I? JOHN: The arse-end of the universe with the scum of the Earth. Look at me. ISAAC (blearily): Have you come for me? JOHN: D’you think I know a lot of people here?! (Isaac laughs hazily.) JOHN: Hey, all right? (On the mattress to Isaac’s right and behind John, another person – wearing jogging bottoms and a jacket with the hood up – rolls over, props himself onto one elbow and looks round to them.) SHERLOCK (for it is he): Ah, hello, John. (John raises his head, his eyes widening.) SHERLOCK: Didn’t expect to see you here. (He pushes his hood back as John turns round to look at him. Sherlock squinches up his eyes and peers at him.) SHERLOCK: Did you come for me, too? (John looks at him for a second, then his eyes begin to narrow.) Outside shortly afterwards, Isaac stumbles over to the car where Mary is now sitting in the driver’s seat. MARY: Hallo, Isaac. ISAAC (blurrily): Mrs Watson, can I – can I get in, please? MARY (pointing her thumb behind her): Yes, of course, get in. Where’s John? ISAAC (opening the rear car door): They’re ’avin’ a fight. MARY: Who is? (Back at the house, on the first floor landing of the fre escape, Sherlock angrily punches open a temporary door which had been nailed across a doorway, knocking it off all its nails and sending it crashing across the fre escape.) SHERLOCK (angrily): For God’s sakes, John! I’m on a case! JOHN (following him down the fre escape): A month – that’s all it took. One. (Halfway down, Sherlock vaults over the side of the fre escape and onto a wall beside it.) SHERLOCK: I’m working. (He jumps down onto a wheelie bin beside the wall and then to onto another one laying on its side before stepping to the ground. John follows.) JOHN: Sherlock Holmes in a drug den! How’s that gonna look? SHERLOCK: I’m undercover. JOHN: No you’re not! SHERLOCK (gesticulating angrily): Well, I’m not now! (Mary has driven the car quickly towards them. She pulls up alongside with a squeal of brakes.) MARY (sternly): In. Both of you, quickly. (John gets into the passenger seat while Sherlock gets into the seat behind him. Bill hurries over towards the car, cradling his hurt arm. Mary sighs in exasperation at her boys, then turns to look through the front windscreen at the new arrival standing in front of the car.) BILL: Please. Can I come? I think I’ve got a broken arm. MARY: No. Go away. JOHN: No, let him. MARY: Why? JOHN (to Bill, leaning out of the open side window and pointing towards the rear of the car): Yeah, just get in. It’s a sprain. (Bill runs round the side of the car.) MARY: Anyone else? I mean, we’re taking everybody home, are we? (Sighing, Sherlock shifts to the centre of the rear seat to give Bill some room. Bill gets in and looks round at him.) BILL: All right, Shezza? JOHN (incredulously): “Shezza”? SHERLOCK (tetchily): I was undercover. MARY: Seriously – “Shezza”, though?! (Sherlock sighs again.) JOHN: We’re not going home. We’re going to Bart’s. I’m calling Molly. (In the rear seat, Sherlock is wiping some of the dirt off his face with a handkerchief.) MARY: Why? JOHN (holding his phone to his ear and turning to look over his shoulder at his friend before directing the rest of the sentence to Mary): Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar. (Sherlock lowers his handkerchief and closes his eyes with exasperation. Mary drives them all away.) Later, in the lab at Bart’s, Molly is finishing her tests on Sherlock’s urine sample. He is standing nearby, leaning back against the central bench and looking sulky. On the other side of the lab Bill is sitting on a side bench while Mary is wrapping a bandage round his arm. Isaac is also sitting nearby. Molly takes off her gloves with two loud snaps. JOHN: Well? Is he clean? (Throwing her gloves down, Molly turns to him.) MOLLY: Clean? (She turns and walks over to face Sherlock, then slaps him hard around the face with her right hand. Mary, Bill and Isaac look over to them in surprise. Molly slaps him again just as hard and then, for good measure, slaps him again with her left hand. Sherlock blinks and grimaces.) MOLLY: How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with? (She glances briefly towards John and then looks back at Sherlock.) MOLLY: And how dare you betray the love of your friends? Say you’re sorry. SHERLOCK (holding his face): Sorry your engagement’s over – though I’m fairly grateful for the lack of a ring. MOLLY: Stop it. (Angrily) Just stop it. (John storms towards him, his face stern but his voice low.) JOHN: If you were anywhere near this kind of thing again, you could have called, you could have talked to me. SHERLOCK: Please do relax. This is all for a case. (Mary, still wrapping Bill’s arm, shakes her head.) JOHN: A ca... What kind of case would need you doing this? SHERLOCK: I might as well ask you why you’ve started cycling to work. JOHN (shaking his head): No. We’re not playing this game. (He turns and walks away.) SHERLOCK: Quite recently, I’d say. You’re very determined about it. JOHN: Not interested. BILL: I am. (Sherlock turns to look at him. Bill looks down at Mary.) BILL: Ow. MARY: Oh, sorry. You moved. But it is just a sprain. BILL: Yeah. Somebody ’it me. MARY: Huh? (Bill turns his head to look at John.) BILL: Eh, just some guy. JOHN: Yeah, probably just an addict in need of a fix. SHERLOCK (pointedly, looking directly at John): Yes. I think, in a way, it was. (John holds his eyes for a moment, then looks away.) BILL: Is it his shirt? SHERLOCK (looking round at him): I’m sorry? BILL: Well, it’s the creases, innit? (He looks across to John. Sherlock does likewise and zooms in on the creases in his shirt.) BILL: The two creases down the front. It’s been recently folded but it’s not new. (Sherlock smiles slightly.) BILL: Must have dressed in a hurry this morning ... (Flashback to John in his bedroom, folding a shirt on top of the bed.) BILL: ... so all your shirts must be kept like that. (John stares at him in confusion.) BILL: But why? Maybe ’cause you cycle to work every morning, shower when you get there an’ then dress in the clothes you brought with you. (Sherlock looks at him, clearly impressed.) BILL (still looking at John): You keep your shirts folded ... (Flashback to John, in his bedroom, putting the folded shirt into a small backpack.) BILL: ... ready to pack. SHERLOCK: Not bad. BILL (still looking at John): An’ I further deduce ... (Sherlock raises his eyebrows, and he and John exchange a brief glance.) BILL: ... you’ve only started recently, because you’ve got a bit of chafing. (John looks down his body.) SHERLOCK: No – he’s always walked like that. Remind me – what’s your name again? BILL: They call me The Wig. SHERLOCK: No they don’t. BILL (awkwardly): Well, they-they call me Wiggy. SHERLOCK: Nope. BILL (hesitating, then looking down): Bill. Bill Wiggins. SHERLOCK: Nice observational skills, Billy. (His phone sounds a text alert. He takes out the phone and looks at the message.) SHERLOCK: Ah! Finally. MOLLY: “Finally” what? BILL: Good news? SHERLOCK: Oh, excellent news – the best. (He turns and heads for the door, working on his phone.) SHERLOCK: There’s every chance that my drug habit might ht the newspapers. The game is on. (Raising his phone to his ear as he reaches the door, he turns and looks round the room briefly.) SHERLOCK: Excuse me for a second. (He leaves the room.) Later, he and John are alone in the back of a taxi. Sherlock is still in his scruffy clothes, so it appears they have gone directly from Bart’s. SHERLOCK: You’ve heard of Charles Augustus Magnussen, of course. JOHN: Yeah. Owns some newspapers – ones I don’t read. (Sherlock frowns and looks round the cab and then out of the back window.) SHERLOCK: Hang on – weren’t there other people? JOHN: Mary’s taking the boys home; I’m taking you. We did discuss it. (Sherlock raises his eyes upwards as if trying to remember.) SHERLOCK: People were talking, none of them me. I must have filtered. JOHN: I noticed. SHERLOCK: I have to filter out a lot of witless babble. I’ve got Mrs Hudson on semi-permanent mute. (The journey continues and the taxi eventually pulls up outside 221B Baker Street. As soon as he sees the closed front door, Sherlock lets out an exasperated sigh.) SHERLOCK: What is my brother doing here? (He gets out and heads for the front door. John calls after him.) JOHN (tetchily): So I’ll just pay, then, shall I? (Sherlock goes up onto the doorstep and glares at the door knocker.) SHERLOCK: He’s straightened the knocker. (He turns to John as he gets out of the cab.) SHERLOCK: He always corrects it. He’s OCD. Doesn’t even know he’s doing it. (He deliberately pushes the door knocker to one side, then lets himself in.) JOHN: Why’d you do that? SHERLOCK: Do what? JOHN: Nothing. (They go inside, John shutting the door behind him, and Sherlock opens and goes through the inner door, then stops and rolls his eyes at the sight of Mycroft sitting on the stairs.) MYCROFT: Well, then, Sherlock. Back on the sauce? SHERLOCK: What are you doing here? JOHN: I phoned him. MYCROFT: The siren call of old habits. How very like Uncle Rudy – though, in many ways, cross-dressing would have been a wiser path for you. SHERLOCK (folding his arms and directing his comment to John without looking at him): You phoned him. JOHN: ’Course I bloody phoned him. MYCROFT: ’Course he bloody did. Now, save me a little time. Where should we be looking? SHERLOCK: “We”? ANDERSON’s VOICE (from upstairs): Mr Holmes? (In the kitchen, Anderson closes the door to one of the cupboards in the kitchen.) SHERLOCK (furiously): For God’s sake! (He storms up the stairs, Mycroft sliding sideways on his step to get out of his way. Mycroft and John exchange a look and John blows out a breath as Mycroft leans on his umbrella to push himself to his feet. Sherlock goes into the kitchen and glares at Anderson who is with a female colleague called Benji. [Don’t ask why she has such an odd name but that’s how she’s named in the end credits – I can only assume it’s some kind of in-joke or shout-out to a personal friend, or family pet, of the writer.]) SHERLOCK (angrily): Anderson. ANDERSON (raising his gloved hands apologetically): I’m sorry, Sherlock. It’s for your own good. (Looking annoyed, Sherlock drops his keys onto the kitchen table. Benji stares at him.) BENJI: Oh, that’s him, isn’t it? (Sherlock turns and storms towards his chair, where another member of the ‘search team’ is sitting and reading a book. The man scrambles out of the chair, putting the book onto the table beside it, and hurries away. Sherlock flips his hood up and climbs into the chair.) BENJI: You said he’d be taller. MYCROFT (coming into the kitchen and looking towards Sherlock): Some members of your little fan-club. Do be polite. They’re entirely trustworthy, and even willing to search through the toxic waste dump that you are pleased to call a flat. (Sherlock has curled up sideways in his chair and now lays his head on one of the arms, closing his eyes.) MYCROFT: You’re a celebrity these days, Sherlock. You can’t afford a drug habit. SHERLOCK (opening his eyes and looking at him irritatedly): I do not have a drug habit. (John’s attention is focussed on a large space between Sherlock’s chair and the kitchen. He points.) JOHN: Hey, what happened to my chair? SHERLOCK: It was blocking my view to the kitchen. JOHN (turning to Mycroft): Well, it’s good to be missed(!) SHERLOCK: Well, you were gone. I saw an opportunity. JOHN: No, you saw the kitchen. (Mycroft turns to Anderson.) MYCROFT: What have you found so far? Clearly nothing. SHERLOCK: There’s nothing to find. MYCROFT (turning toward the hallway behind the kitchen): Your bedroom door is shut. (Sherlock sighs.) MYCROFT (slowly walking along the hallway): You haven’t been home all night. So, why would a man who has never knowingly closed the door without the direct orders of his mother bother to do so on this occasion? (Sherlock has raised his head and flipped his hood back while Mycroft progressed. Now Mycroft reaches the door and puts his hand on the door knob. Sherlock hurls himself up into a sitting position.) SHERLOCK: Okay, stop! Just stop. (Mycroft turns the knob but doesn’t open the door.) SHERLOCK: Point made. JOHN: Jesus, Sherlock. (Mycroft turns and walks slowly back along the hall.) MYCROFT: Have to phone our parents, of course, in Oklahoma. (Sherlock looks down and closes his eyes.) MYCROFT: Won’t be the first time that your substance abuse has wreaked havoc with their line-dancing. (Sighing, Sherlock stands up and walks closer to his brother.) SHERLOCK: This is not what you think. This is for a case. MYCROFT: What case could possibly justify this? SHERLOCK: Magnussen. (Mycroft’s slight smile drops.) SHERLOCK: Charles Augustus Magnussen. (Mycroft draws in a breath and turns to Anderson and Benji.) MYCROFT: That name you think you may have just heard – you were mistaken. If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you – on behalf of the British security services – that materials will be found on your computer hard drives resulting in your immediate incarceration. Don’t reply – just look frightened and scuttle. (Anderson immediately ushers Benji out of the kitchen and follows her onto the landing, closing the door behind him. Mycroft turns back to where John is standing beside Sherlock.) MYCROFT: I hope I won’t have to thrat you as well. JOHN: Well, I think we’d both find that embarrassing. (Sherlock snorts laughter, turning his head away.) MYCROFT (sternly to Sherlock): Magnussen is not your business. SHERLOCK (turning back and pointing at his brother): Oh, you mean he’s yours. MYCROFT: You may consider him under my protection. SHERLOCK: I consider you under his thumb. MYCROFT (quietly, ominously): If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me. SHERLOCK (nonchalantly): Okay. I’ll let you know if I notice. (He strolls towards the kitchen door.) SHERLOCK: Er, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. (He opens the door.) SHERLOCK: Bye-bye. (He points the way out. Mycroft walks round him, then turns to face him.) MYCROFT: Unwise, brother mine. (Immediately Sherlock seizes Mycroft’s left arm just below the elbow. Twisting his arm up behind his back, he slams his brother face-first against the wall beside the kitchen door. Mycroft cries out in pain. Sherlock breathes rapidly, his voice venomous.) SHERLOCK: Brother mine, don’t appal me when I’m high. (John hurries over to Mycroft’s side.) JOHN (softly but very firmly, watching Sherlock’s face all the time): Mycroft, don’t say another word. Just go. He could snap you in two, and right now I am slightly worried that he might. (Mycroft pushes himself free of his brother’s grip and holds his left arm in pain. Sherlock turns and walks away. Mycroft turns towards him.) JOHN (to Mycroft): Don’t speak. Just leave. (Mycroft lowers his right arm. John looks down towards the floor.) JOHN: Oh. (He bends down and picks up Mycroft’s umbrella which he had dropped. Straightening up again, he offers it to him, clearing his throat. Mycroft snatches it from his hand and leaves. In the living room, Sherlock is stretching and rubbing the back of his neck. John turns and walks towards him.) JOHN: Er, Magnussen? SHERLOCK: What time is it? JOHN: About eight. (Sherlock sniffs deeply and sighs out a disgusted breath.) SHERLOCK: I’m meeting him in three hours. I need a bath. (He walks through the kitchen towards the hallway.) JOHN: It’s for a case, you said? SHERLOCK: Yep. JOHN: What sort of case? SHERLOCK: Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in. JOHN: You trying to put me off? SHERLOCK: God, no. (With his hand on the knob of the bathroom door, he looks back at John.) SHERLOCK: Trying to recruit you. (He gives him a small smile and goes into the bathroom.) SHERLOCK (offscreen): And stay out of my bedroom. (The bathroom door closes. John immediately starts to walk across the kitchen towards the bedroom. He has just reached the hallway when the bedroom door opens and a familiar face peers out.) JANINE: Oh, John, hi. (Opening the door wider, she laughs in an embarrassed way, pulling down the bottom of the shirt she’s wearing. She’s not wearing anything on her legs.) JANINE: How are you? JOHN (staring at her in disbelief): Janine? JANINE: Sorry. Not dressed. (She heads towards the kitchen, John standing aside to let her pass.) JANINE: Has everybody gone? I heard shouting. JOHN: Yes, they’re gone. JANINE (looking at her watch): God, look at the time. I’ll be late. (She goes over to the worktop and picks up a coffee percolator.) JANINE: Sounded like an argument. (She turns to John.) Was it Mike? JOHN: Mike? JANINE: Mike, yeah. His brother, Mike. They’re always fighting. JOHN: Mycroft. JANINE: Do people actually call him that?! JOHN: Yeah. JANINE: Huh! Oh, could you be a love and put some coffee on? JOHN: ... Sure, right, yeah. JANINE (heading back towards the hallway): Thanks. (She stops and put a hand briefly on John’s shoulder.) JANINE: Ooh, how’s Mary? How’s married life? JOHN: She’s fine. We’re both fine, yeah. (He turns and walks towards a cupboard. Janine points in another direction.) JANINE: Oh, it’s over there now. (She looks around.) JANINE: Where’s Sherl? JOHN (breathing out the name with a bemused look on his face): Sherl! (Grinning and clearing his throat, he turns back to her.) JOHN: He’s just having a bath. I’m sure he’ll be out in a minute. JANINE: Oh, like he ever is! JOHN: Yeah(!) (He frowns as if still unable to believe what’s happening, then wanders vaguely towards the cupboard that Janine had indicated. She goes along the hallway and knocks on the bathroom door, immediately opening it and going inside.) JANINE: Morning! Room for a little one?! (Offscreen, Sherlock laughs and she giggles while there is much sound of splashing water. John turns and looks along the hallway.) SHERLOCK (offscreen, as the bathroom door closes): Morning. (He can be heard chuckling and Janine lets out a high-pitched “Ooh!” John turns away as if wondering what bizarro-world he has fallen into.) LATER. John is sitting on the edge of the coffee table while Sherlock – wearing black trousers and a white shirt and putting his jacket on – walks across the living room. John has a bemused smile on his face. SHERLOCK: So – it’s just a guess but you’ve probably got some questions. JOHN: Yyyyeah, one or two, pretty much. SHERLOCK: Naturally. (He turns and looks towards the kitchen. John follows his gaze as Janine – also fully dressed – walks into the bedroom. Smiling, Sherlock sits down.) JOHN: You have a girlfriend? SHERLOCK (glancing towards him): Yes, I have. (John grins. Sherlock looks towards Janine again, then turns to John, looking more serious.) SHERLOCK: Now, Magnussen. Magnussen is like a shark – it’s the only way I can describe him. Have you ever been to the shark tnk at the London Aquarium, John – stood up close to the glass? Those floating flat faces, those dad eyes ... That’s what he is. I’ve dealt with mrder, psychopaths, trrorists, serial Kllers. None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen. JOHN: Yes, you have. SHERLOCK: Sorry, what? JOHN: You have a girlfriend. SHERLOCK: What? Yes! Yes, I’m going out with Janine. I thought that was fairly obvious. JOHN: Yes. Well ... yes. (He clears his throat loudly.) But I mean you, you, you ... are in a relationship? (Sherlock blinks at him.) SHERLOCK: Yes, I am. JOHN: You and Janine? SHERLOCK: Mmm, yes. Me and Janine. JOHN: Care to elaborate? (Sherlock draws in a long breath and looks up thoughtfully, then puffs out his cheeks as he breathes out again.) SHERLOCK: Well, we’re in a good place. It’s, um ... (he looks down thoughtfully, then turns to John) ... very affirming. (He smiles at him. John points back at him.) JOHN: You got that from a book. SHERLOCK: Everyone got that from a book. (John looks round and smiles as Janine comes into the room.) JANINE: Okay, you two bad boys, behave yourselves. (Sherlock smiles happily at her as she sits down on the arm of his chair. He puts his arm round her as she turns and leans close to his face.) JANINE: And you, Sherl, you’re gonna have to tell me where you were last night. SHERLOCK: Working. (John stares at them.) JANINE: “Working”. Of course. I’m the only one who really knows what you’re like, remember? SHERLOCK (softly): Don’t you go letting on. (He gently runs his finger down the tip of her nose, then lays his hand on her arm. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes. John grins, apparently still unable to believe what he’s seeing.) JANINE (softly): I might just, actually. (She tears her eyes away from Sherlock and looks across to John, as does Sherlock.) JANINE: I haven’t told Mary about this. I kind of wanted to surprise her. JOHN: Yeah, you probably will. JANINE: But we should have you two over for dinner really soon! SHERLOCK: Yeah! JANINE: My place, though – not the scuzz-dump! (She punches Sherlock affectionately on the shoulder and they both laugh.) JOHN: Great, yeah! Dinner! Yeah. JANINE (standing up): Oh, I’d better dash. It was brilliant to see you! JOHN (also standing): You too. (He turns and watches as Sherlock escorts Janine to the living room door and opens it for her.) SHERLOCK: Have a lovely day. Call me later. (She turns back to him and fiddles with the edge of his jacket.) JANINE (teasingly): I might do. I might call you – unless I meet someone prettier(!) (They kiss, while John quickly turns away with his mouth in a startled ‘Ohhh!’ shape. As the other two continue to kiss noisily, he stares pointedly towards the window. Janine pulls back a little and whispers softly to Sherlock, their noses still touching.) JANINE: Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes. (Grinning, she turns and leaves the room. Sherlock smiles as he watches her go ... and then his smile abruptly drops and he closes the door. He walks back across the room.) SHERLOCK: You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner, but he’s so much more than that. (John frowns at him.) SHERLOCK: He uses his power and wealth to gain information. The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power. (He sits down at the dining table and opens his laptop.) SHERLOCK: I’m not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person of note or influence in the whole of the Western world and probably beyond. He is the Napoleon of blackmail ... (He pulls up a photograph of Magnussen’s home, together with a blueprint of the building.) SHERLOCK: ... and he has created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge. Its name ... (He turns the laptop to show the screen to John.) SHERLOCK: ... is Appledore. JOHN: Dinner. SHERLOCK: Sorry, what, dinner? JOHN: Me and Mary, coming for dinner ... with ... wine and ... sitting. (Sherlock turns and stares at him for a moment.) SHERLOCK: Seriously? I’ve just told you that the Western world is run from this house ... (he points at the screen) ... and you want to talk about dinner? JOHN: Fine, talk about the house. (Sherlock throws him a look, then turns back to his laptop while John looks towards the door as if he still can’t believe what he just witnessed, but eventually he turns back.) SHERLOCK: It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous information anywhere in the world ... (he looks over his shoulder at John) ... the Alexandrian Library of secrets and scandals – and none of it is on a computer. He’s smart – computers can be hacked. It’s all on hard copy in vaults ... (he points at the rotating blueprint on the screen) ... underneath that house; and as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone you’ve ever met is a fantasy. (There’s a knock on the living room door, followed by Mrs Hudson’s familiar, “Ooh-ooh!” The door opens and she comes in.) MRS HUDSON (pointing back down the stairs): Oh, that was the doorbell. Couldn’t you hear it? SHERLOCK: It’s in the fridge. It kept ringing. MRS HUDSON: Oh, that’s not a fault, Sherlock! JOHN: Who is it? (Mrs Hudson draws in an anxious breath. Shortly afterwards she goes down the stairs to the bottom.) MRS HUDSON: Mr Holmes said you can go right up. (She looks nervously at whoever is waiting in the hall. We can’t immediately see who they are but she’s clearly frightened by them because she flattens herself against the wall and almost cringes as three men in dark suits walk up the stairs. Your transcriber remembers the last time men in dark suits were in her house, and wibbles on her behalf. As a fourth person walks towards the stairs, we are looking through his eyes. He can see not only Mrs H but information about her, which reads: MARTHA LOUISE HUDSON (née SISSONS) LANDLADY WIDOW (SEE FILE) SEMI-REFORMED ALCOHOLIC FORMER “EXOTIC DANCER” (SEE FILE) FINANCES: 21% DEBT (SEE FILE) STATUS: UNIMPORTANT and underneath, flashing in red: PRESSURE POINT: > MARIJUANA Upstairs, the three men – clearly security men, as they are all wearing earpieces – walk into the living room. Sherlock, now standing by the fireside with John, sighs and unfolds his arms.) SHERLOCK (mock-wearily): Oh, go ahead. (He spread his arms and allows one of the gons to frisk him. Another one walks over to John while the third generally looks round the room.) SECURITY MAN (to John): Sir? (John glances over to Sherlock, then looks back to the man.) JOHN: Can I have a moment? (Sherlock lowers his arms from his frisking and looks across to the man.) SHERLOCK: Oh, he’s fine. (The man glances at Sherlock, then kneels down in front of John and starts frisking him.) JOHN: Er, I ... right. I should probably tell you ... (The man reaches into John’s jacket pocket and takes out Bill’s flick-Knfe.) JOHN: Okay, I ... (he points to the Knfe) ... That. (The man pulls John’s jacket open.) JOHN: And ... (The man stands up, holding the tyre lever he has just taken from John’s jeans and looking at him sternly. Sherlock looks startled. John steps closer to the man and speaks confidentially.) JOHN: Doesn’t mean I’m not pleased to see you. (The man does not look amused.) SHERLOCK: I can vouch for this man. He’s a doctor. If you know who I am, then you know who he is ... (He turns his head towards the door as Magnussen walks in and stops just inside the doorway.) SHERLOCK: ... don’t you, Mr Magnussen? (John’s security man steps to John’s side and faces his boss while the other one stands at Sherlock’s side and the third waits in the kitchen.) SHERLOCK (to Magnussen): I understood we were meeting at your office. (Magnussen looks round the room for a moment.) MAGNUSSEN: This is my office. (He walks slowly towards the sofa, then stops and turns to look at John. Information appears in front of his eyes: JOHN HAMISH WATSON AFGHANISTAN VETERAN (SEE FILE) G.P. (SEE FILE) prn PREFERENCE: NORMAL FINANCES: 10% DEBT (SEE FILE) STATUS UNIMPORTANT then, in flashing red underneath: PRESSURE POINT: > HARRY WATSON (SISTER) ALCOHOLIC MARY MORSTAN (WIFE) MAGNUSSEN: Well, it is now. (He continues on to the dining table, picks up a newspaper from it and then goes back and sits down on the sofa.) SHERLOCK: Mr Magnussen, I have been asked to intercede with you by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood on the matter of her husband’s letters. (Magnussen appears to have been ignoring him, paying more attention to what seems to be the uncomfortableness of the sofa. Now he looks at the newspaper in his hand.) SHERLOCK: Some time ago you ... put pressure on her concerning those letters. (Magnussen looks up at him, leaning back on the sofa.) SHERLOCK: She would like those letters back. (Magnussen looks at him silently as he continues speaking, and information appears in front of his eyes: SHERLOCK HOLMES CONSULTING DETECTIVE prn PREFERENCE: NORMAL [Your transcriber does a spit-take, narrowly missing her computer screen.] FINANCES: UNKNOWN BROTHER: MYCROFT HOLMES M.I.6 (SEE FILE) OFFICIALLY DECEASED 2011-2013 and underneath in red: PRESSURE POINT: IRENE ADLER (SEE FILE) JIM MORIARTY (SEE FILE) REDBEARD (SEE FILE) HOUNDS OF THE BASKERVILLE OPIUM JOHN WATSON The list of pressure points cycles round several times.) SHERLOCK: Obviously the letters no longer have any practical use to you, so with that in mind ... (He breaks off, perhaps noticing something about Magnussen’s expression. Magnussen gives a quiet snort.) SHERLOCK (letting out an exasperated huff of air): Something I said? MAGNUSSEN: No, no. I-I was reading. (He adjusts his glasses, the red list of pressure points cycling more quickly.) MAGNUSSEN: There’s rather a lot. (Sherlock frowns. In front of Magnussen’s eyes, the white list of information vanishes and the red list cycles rapidly.) MAGNUSSEN: “Redbeard.” (Sherlock blinks and his mouth opens slightly.) MAGNUSSEN: Sorry. (He shakes his head.) S-sorry. You were probably talking? SHERLOCK: I ... (He pauses for a long moment, then clears his throat.) SHERLOCK: I was trying to explain that I’ve been asked to act on behalf of ... (Magnussen turns his head to the security man beside John.) MAGNUSSEN: Bathroom? SECURITY MAN (nodding to his right): Along from the kitchen, sir. MAGNUSSEN: Okay. SHERLOCK (more firmly): I’ve been asked to negotiate the return of those letters. (Magnussen takes off his glasses and looks towards the window.) SHERLOCK: I’m aware you do not make copies of sensitive documents ... MAGNUSSEN (gesturing around the living room): Is it like the rest of the flat? (He looks at the security man.) SECURITY MAN: Sir? MAGNUSSEN: The bathroom? SECURITY MAN: Er, yes, sir. MAGNUSSEN: Maybe not, then. SHERLOCK: Am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? (Magnussen meets his eyes for a moment, then looks towards the window again.) MAGNUSSEN: Lady Elizabeth Smallwood. I like her. (He turns his eyes towards Sherlock and pops his lips a couple of times.) SHERLOCK: Mr Magnussen, am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? MAGNUSSEN: She’s English, with a spine. (He lifts his right foot and puts it against the side of the coffee table, then pushes the table away from him. Sherlock frowns slightly. Magnussen stands up and, beside Sherlock, the second security man turns and steps forward to the fireplace, taking the fre guard away from the front of the unlit fre. Sherlock glances over his shoulder.) MAGNUSSEN: Best thing about the English ... (He walks over to Sherlock and John and looks at them one after the other.) MAGNUSSEN: ... you’re so domesticated. All standing around, apologising ... (He nods to Sherlock and then walks in between him and John towards the fre.) MAGNUSSEN: ... keeping your little heads down. (He stands in front of the fre, facing it. The sound of him unzipping his trousers can be heard.) MAGNUSSEN: You can do what you like here. No one’s ever going to stop you. (He looks down and the sound of him urinating into the fre can be heard. John blinks as if appalled and half-turns his head towards him. Sherlock keeps his head facing forward, his eyes fixed on the opposite wall.) MAGNUSSEN (continuing to urinate): A nation of herbivores. (He half-glances over his shoulder.) MAGNUSSEN: I’ve interests all over the world but, er, everything starts in England. (He looks down again as the last of his urine splashes on the grate in front of the fre.) MAGNUSSEN: If it works here ... (He jiggles up and down as he ‘shakes off’ and then zips up his trousers.) MAGNUSSEN: ... I’ll try it in a real country. (Looking at himself in the mirror for a moment, he turns and strolls back in between the boys. The security guard beside John holds out a packet of wet wipes and Magnussen takes one and turns to face the others.) MAGNUSSEN: The United Kingdom, huh? (He starts to wipe his fingers.) Petri dish to the Western world. (He looks at Sherlock briefly.) MAGNUSSEN: Tell Lady Elizabeth I might need those letters, so I’m keeping them. (Finishing wiping his fingers, he drops the wet wipe to the floor.) MAGNUSSEN: Goodbye. (He turns as if to leave, then turns back and put his hand into his jacket’s inside breast pocket.) MAGNUSSEN: Anyway ... (He chuckles and pulls out the edge of a packet of documents to show Sherlock.) MAGNUSSEN: ... they’re funny. (Smirking, he tucks the packet back into his jacket and leaves the room. The security men follow him. As the sound of their feet can be heard clattering down the stairs, John takes a step forward.) JOHN (furiously): Jesus! SHERLOCK: Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did? JOHN: Wh... There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah. (He gestures towards the fireplace but Sherlock is smiling, having not noticed him.) SHERLOCK: Exactly – when he showed us the letters. (He walks across the room, still smiling, while John closes his eyes in disbelief.) JOHN: ... Okay. SHERLOCK: So he’s brought the letters to London – so no matter what he says, he’s ready to make a deal. Now, Magnussen only makes a deal once he’s established a person’s weaknesses – the ‘pressure point’, he calls it. (He picks up his coat from a dining chair and puts it on.) SHERLOCK: So, clearly he believes I’m a drug addict and no serious thrat. (He looks out of the window where one of the security guards is closing the rear door of a car parked outside.) SHERLOCK (turning back and gesturing enthusiastically): And, of course, because he’s in town tonight, the letters will be in his safe in his London office while he’s out to dinner with the Marketing Group of Great Britain from seven ’til ten. JOHN: How-how do you know his schedule? SHERLOCK: Because I do. Right – I’ll see you tonight. I’ve got some shopping to do. (He heads out the door and down the stairs.) JOHN (calling after him): What’s tonight? SHERLOCK (calling up the stairs): I’ll text instructions. JOHN (loudly): Yeah, I’ll text you if I’m available. SHERLOCK: You are! I checked! (Looking exasperated, John heads for the door.) Downstairs, Sherlock goes out of the front door followed by John. SHERLOCK: Don’t bring a gn. JOHN: Why would I bring a gn? SHERLOCK: Or a Knfe, or a tyre lever. Probably best not to do any arm-spraining, but we’ll see how the night goes. (He raises his arm to an approaching taxi.) JOHN: You’re just assuming I’m coming along? SHERLOCK: Time you got out of the house, John. (He runs his eyes over him as the taxi pulls up.) You’ve put on seven pounds since you got married, and the cycling isn’t doing it. (He opens the cab door and gets it.) JOHN: It’s actually four pounds. SHERLOCK (shutting the door and looking at him through the half-open window): Mary and I think seven. See you later. (He sits down on the seat and gives his destination to the driver.) SHERLOCK: Hatton Garden. (The cab drives away. John looks at his watch, then walks off.) EVENING/NIGHT TIME. John walks towards the entrance of a skyscraper building which houses CAM Global News. In the foyer, a TV screen is broadcasting the company’s news channel, which is currently showing a Breaking News item reading, “MP JOHN GARVIE ARRESTED ON CHARGES OF CORRUPTION.” A photograph shows the man who spoke at the parliamentary hearing at the beginning of the episode. A newsreader’s voice can be heard. NEWSREADER (on the TV): And breaking news now. John Garvie MP has been arrested today on charges of corruption. This follows an investigation ... (John walks through the revolving doors and approaches the security barriers which look like they need a security card to open them. He looks around and then looks at his watch, and Sherlock walks over from behind him.) SHERLOCK: Magnussen’s office is on the top floor, just below his private flat ... (he looks towards lift doors on the next level up) ... but there are fourteen levels of security between us and him ... (His mind’s eye floats quickly along the next level towards the lift and homes in on the security card reader beside the lift doors.) SHERLOCK: ... two of which aren’t even legal in this country. Want to know how we’re going to break in? JOHN: Is that what we’re doing? SHERLOCK: Of course it’s what we’re doing. (He turns and walks away. Later, the boys are each carrying a takeaway cup of coffee and are walking towards an escalator in the building.) SHERLOCK: Magnussen’s private lift. It goes straight to his penthouse and office. Only he uses it ... (they get onto the escalator) ... and only his key card calls the lift. Anyone else even tries, security is automatically informed. (They get to the top and walk towards the lift. Sherlock holds up a key card.) SHERLOCK (stopping): Standard key card for the building. Nicked it yesterday. Only gets us as far as the canteen. (He walks to the lift, stops and looks at it.) SHERLOCK: Here we go, then. (The camera shifts back along the corridor and Sherlock and John are still standing where they just were, several yards away from the lift.) SHERLOCK: If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens? (He gestures towards the lift where an imaginary version of himself is touching his card to the security reader. Alarms immediately begin to sound – at least in Sherlock’s head – and two imaginary security men run towards imaginary-Sherlock standing at the lift.) JOHN (obviously not seeing or hearing anything): Er, the alarms would go off and you’d be dragged away by security. (Over at the lift, imaginary-Sherlock is indeed being seized by the arms by the two men.) REAL-SHERLOCK: Exactly. (He looks towards the lift and watches as imaginary-Sherlock is marched away.) JOHN: Get taken to a small room somewhere and your head kicked in. (Imaginary-Sherlock looks over his shoulder and throws an indignant look towards his real self and his friend. Real-Sherlock looks round at John.) SHERLOCK: Do we really need so much colour? JOHN: It passes the time. (Sherlock gives him a look and passes him his coffee cup. John takes it and returns the look. Ignoring it, Sherlock takes his phone from his coat.) SHERLOCK: But if I do this ... (He presses the security card against his phone.) SHERLOCK: If you press a key card against your mobile phone for long enough, it corrupts the magnetic strip. The card stops working. It’s a common problem – never put your key card with your phone. (He looks along the corridor to where imaginary-Sherlock is back at the lift and swiping his card across the reader. The two imaginary security men start to run towards him again ... but then they go into slow motion and then stop in mid-run.) SHERLOCK: What happens if I use the card now? JOHN: It still doesn’t work. SHERLOCK: But it doesn’t read as the wrong card now. (More imaginary security men run towards imaginary-Sherlock, then they too slow down and freeze in mid-run.) SHERLOCK: It registers as corrupted. But if it’s corrupted, how do they know it’s not Magnussen? JOHN (looking round, possibly to check if real security are anywhere around): Huh. SHERLOCK: Would they risk dragging him off? JOHN: Probably not. SHERLOCK: So what do they do? What do they have to do? JOHN: Check if it’s him or not. (Near the lift, the imaginary security men shrink down and each one disappears into a different imaginary waste paper bin, all of which have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. The bins then disappear again.) SHERLOCK: There’s a camera at eye height to the right of the door. (Imaginary-Sherlock walks up to the lift doors again, where the security card reader has a flashing red light above it. He swipes the card past the reader and on a laptop elsewhere in the building there’s a repeated beeping sound and a message comes up on the screen reading: ALERT LOCKED CORRUPTED CARD CONNECT CAMERA SHERLOCK: A live picture of the card user is relayed directly to Magnussen’s personal staff in his office – the only people trusted to make a positive ID. (A cutaway sht shows the laptop on a table in an office. A woman – unseen to us except for her hand – walks over to press a key on the keyboard.) SHERLOCK: ... at this hour, almost certainly his PA. (In the imaginary office, the security camera activates and transmits live footage of imaginary-Sherlock smiling into the camera.) JOHN: S-so how’s that help us? (Sherlock smiles along the corridor, then looks round to John.) SHERLOCK: Human error. (He raises his hand to the breast pocket of his coat and pats it.) I’ve been shopping. (He walks along the corridor to the lift, John again looking all around before following him. Sherlock reaches the lift doors and raises his card towards the reader.) SHERLOCK: Here we go, then. (He presses the card against the reader. A circle on the reader screen, and the words CAM GLOBAL NEWS at the bottom of the screen, both turn from blue to red and there’s a beep.) JOHN (quietly, standing to the side out of view of the camera): You realise you don’t exactly look like Magnussen. SHERLOCK (looking confidently into the security camera while speaking quietly and barely moving his lips): Which, in this case, is a considerable advantage. (Up in the office at the top of the building, the laptop beeps its alert and shows its message on the screen. The woman walks across the room to press a key on the keyboard and Sherlock’s live image smiles into the camera at her. She walks around the desk to get a better look and now we see that it’s Janine. She stares at the image in amazement.) JANINE (quietly, over the intercom to the security reader beside the lift): Sherlock, you complete loon! What are you doing?! (Sherlock smiles more widely into the camera. John looks round in surprise.) JOHN: Hang on – was that ...? That ...! (He instinctively starts to step closer but Sherlock holds up the flat of his hand to him to stop him and talks into the camera.) SHERLOCK: Hi, Janine. (Secretively, glancing around) Go on, let me in. JANINE: I can’t! You know I can’t. Don’t be silly. SHERLOCK (softly): Don’t make me do it out here. Not ... (he pauses and turns his head to glance at a woman walking past, then once she’s gone he turns back to the camera) ... in front of everyone. JANINE: Do what in front of everyone? (Beside him, John smiles and nods politely at another woman as she walks past. Sherlock lowers his eyes and blows out a big breath, then takes out a small dark red box and clicks it open before holding it up to the camera to show the large diamond engagement ring inside it. Janine gasps and straightens up, clapping her hand to her mouth. Downstairs, John stares at the ring. Janine does likewise upstairs while Sherlock holds the box in front of his face and turns on his biggest puppy dog eyes over the top of it as he looks into the camera and then smiles. Lowering her hand, Janine lets out a silent delighted laugh – and downstairs the card reader screen turns from red to blue and the lift doors open. Sherlock grins into the camera, then clicks the box closed and turns to John, whose mouth is open as he stares at his friend.) SHERLOCK: You see? As long as there’s people, there’s always a weak spot. (He starts to walk into the lift but John stops him.) JOHN: That was Janine. SHERLOCK: Yes, of course it was Janine. She’s Magnussen’s PA. That’s the whole point. JOHN: Did you just get engaged to break into an office? SHERLOCK: Yeah. (He steps into the lift.) Stroke of luck, meeting her at your wedding. You can take some of the credit. JOHN: Je-Jesus! (He looks down at the coffee cups he’s still holding, then drops them onto the floor just outside the lift before getting in.) JOHN (leaning close to Sherlock and speaking quietly): Sherlock, she loves you. SHERLOCK (flatly, staring ahead of himself): Yes. Like I said – human error. (The doors close and the lift begins its ascent. John turns to look at him.) JOHN: What are you gonna do? SHERLOCK: Well, not actually marry her, obviously. (He looks round to him.) There’s only so far you can go. JOHN: So what will you tell her? (Sherlock briefly looks at him again before facing the front.) SHERLOCK: Well, I’ll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to break into her boss’ office. I imagine she’ll want to stop seeing me at that point ... (The lift passes the 27th floor and continues upwards. Sherlock looks at John again.) SHERLOCK: ... but you’re the expert on women. (The lift stops at floor 32 and the doors open. Sherlock turns on his human smile and walks out, bobbing up and down in an ‘I’ve just come to get engaged to you’ way as he looks around for his new fiancée. After a moment he stops, looking around more carefully and frowning when there’s no sign of her. The boys walk into her office but she still can’t be seen.) JOHN: So where did she go? SHERLOCK: It’s a bit rude. I just proposed to her. (John walks across the room towards the window and sees Janine lying on the floor.) JOHN: Sherlock ... (Sherlock walks over as John bends down to her.) SHERLOCK: Did she faint? Do they really do that? (John takes his hand from her head and finds blood on his fingers.) JOHN: It’s a blow to the head. (He bends lower to her.) She’s breathing. Janine? (She moans quietly. Sherlock looks round the rest of the office and sees something in an adjoining room.) SHERLOCK (walking across the office): Another in here. (John looks over to him but doesn’t leave his patient. In the next room Sherlock looks at the suited man lying face down on the floor, then does a full-circle turn to look around the rest of the room.) SHERLOCK: Security. JOHN: Does he need help? (Sherlock walks to the man’s side and looks down at him. Behind his left ear, which has an earpiece in it, is a small tattoo of the number “14”.) SHERLOCK: Ex-con. (He zooms in on another tattoo on the man’s right hand between his thumb and index finger. The tattoo is five small dots, four of them in a square shape and the fifth in the middle of the square.) SHERLOCK: White supremacist, by the tattoo, so who cares? (He points back towards John.) Stick with Janine. (John hesitates, apparently unhappy about leaving any unconscious person unchecked, but then turns back to Janine.) JOHN: Janine, focus on my voice now. Can you hear me? (Sherlock looks around the room again and then goes to the nearby glass desk. He bends down, holding his hand over the top of it while looking at it closely, then works his way round to the other side, looking carefully at everything. He squats down to the leather chair behind the desk and puts his hand on the seat, immediately working out the temperature of the leather: TEMPERATURE: 35°C In the other room, John looks up as if he has just had a thought and then gets up and walks to where he can see Sherlock next door.) JOHN (in a stage whisper, while pointing back to Janine): Hey. They must still be here. SHERLOCK (straightening up and also speaking in a loud whisper): So’s Magnussen. His seat’s still warm. He should be at dinner but he’s still in the building. (He looks around and then raises his eyes upwards.) SHERLOCK (in a loud whisper): Upstairs! JOHN (taking his phone from his pocket): We should call the police. SHERLOCK (loud whisper): During our own burglary?! You’re really not a natural at this, are you? (John sighs and switches his phone off again.) SHERLOCK (loud whisper): No, wait, shh! (Standing at the side of the chair, he closes his eyes, sniffs deeply and holds his hands out to the sides. As John goes back to Janine, Sherlock sniffs twice more, the final one a deep long sniff, and a couple of words appear around him: VERSACE No 5 SHERLOCK: Perfume – not Janine’s. (The words disappear. Keeping his eyes closed, Sherlock waves his hand around beside his head as if to force other suggestions from his mind. Two more brand names appear.) PRADA Dior (He waves those away, then opens his eyes and points upwards triumphantly at the correct name as it appears.) Claire-de-la-lune (Sherlock quietly says the name out loud, then turns around, grimacing.) SHERLOCK: Why do I know it? (John looks up from where he is still checking Janine.) JOHN: Mary wears it. SHERLOCK (turning back and still speaking in a loud whisper): No, not Mary. Somebody else. (He lifts his head as he hears a noise from upstairs and his gaze becomes intense. John seems to recognise that look and whispers loudly.) JOHN: Sherlock! (But Sherlock’s already off, running across the room to the stairs and hurrying up them, pausing partway up to look up the stairs before quickly continuing on. Up in what must be Magnussen’s private penthouse flat, Sherlock walks softly along the carpeted hall towards where he can hear Magnussen talking quietly and sounding very anxious and almost tearful.) MAGNUSSEN (offscreen): What-what-what would your husband think, eh? (Sherlock walks carefully towards a partially open door at the end of the hall.) MAGNUSSEN (offscreen): He ... your lovely husband, upright, honourable ... (Sherlock looks through the gap in the door and sees Magnussen on his knees with his hands behind his head and cowering.) MAGNUSSEN: ... so English. What-what would he say to you now? (Standing in front of him, someone dressed all in black and wearing black gloves pulls back the pstol they are pointing at Magnussen and cocks it before pointing the business end at him again. He cowers, whimpering and momentarily lapsing into Danish.) MAGNUSSEN: Nej, nej! [No, no!] (Sherlock slowly pushes the door open.) MAGNUSSEN (tearfully, tremulously): You’re-you’re doing this to protect him from the truth ... but is this protection he would want? SHERLOCK (slowly walking to stand a few feet behind the person holding the gn, who we now see is also wearing a black knitted cap on their head, covering their hair): Additionally, if you’re going to commit mrder, you might consider changing your perfume ... (The potential kller raises the gn a little, turning it slightly to the left.) SHERLOCK: ... Lady Smallwood. (Magnussen straightens a little, breathing out a long shaky breath.) MAGNUSSEN (in a slightly stronger voice): Sorry. Who? (Sherlock focuses on the back of the assassin. Magnussen’s gaze goes from him to the face of his potential kller as the person adjusts their grip on the pstol.) MAGNUSSEN: That’s ... not ... Lady Smallwood, Mr Holmes. (Sherlock frowns. The person in black turns to face him, aiming the pstol at him, and Sherlock looks into the face of Mary Elizabeth Watson. He draws in a breath and rapidly flashes back to several different times when they have been together [and oddly one moment when he wasn’t in the room] and in each of those moments his many deductions about her – many of which were seen during “The Empty Hearse” – swarm around her. Then he’s back in Magnussen’s flat and the deductions fade, leaving many instances of only one word repeatedly drifting around her as she aims her gn towards him: Liar They too fade and he focuses on her face as she stares back at him. A single large word appears beside her face: Liar MARY (as the word rotates and then fades): Is John with you? SHERLOCK (shakily): He’s, um ... MARY (firmly): Is John here? SHERLOCK: He-he’s downstairs. (She nods.) MAGNUSSEN (softly): So, what do you do now? kll us both? (Keeping her pstol aimed in front of her, Mary smiles humourlessly over her shoulder towards him before turning her gaze back to Sherlock. As Sherlock speaks, Magnussen slowly lowers his hands and begins to reach down towards the floor on his left.) SHERLOCK: Mary, whatever he’s got on you, let me help. (He shifts his weight onto one foot, preparing to step towards her.) MARY (in a somewhat exasperated voice): Oh, Sherlock, if you take one more step I swear I will kll you. SHERLOCK (shaking his head with a small smile on his face): No, Mrs Watson. (She stares at him, her mouth opening a little.) SHERLOCK (gently): You won’t. (He starts to lifts his foot off the floor. Immediately she pulls the trigger. The bllet impacts his lower chest, just above the V of his buttoned jacket and slightly to the right of his shirt buttons. Magnussen straightens up again. Sherlock’s eyes unfocus and a slight look of shock appears on his face as Mary sighs regretfully. He looks down at the bllet hole and after a moment blood begins to pour from the hole.) MARY (her voice a little tearful): I’m sorry, Sherlock. Truly am. (Sherlock raises his head and looks at her.) SHERLOCK: Mary? (She turns and points her pstol down at Magnussen. His eyes widen ... ... and the scene freeze frames as a loud alarm siren begins to blare repeatedly. The room darkens around Sherlock and a spotlight shines onto his face as he stares ahead of himself in shock. As the alarm continues, he is suddenly running quickly down the flights of a staircase in a white-walled building. Everything about the view suggests that this place is decaying and unlived in – the paint is peeling from the walls, the concrete of the uncarpeted stairs is crumbling and the red paint on the bannisters is cracking off. The camera is above the stairs and there are several storeys below where he currently is. He clings to the bannisters and braces his other hand on the wall as he continues rapidly downwards. Back in Magnussen’s room, Molly – wearing her white lab coat – walks around behind Sherlock.) MOLLY (smiling): It’s not like it is in the movies. There’s not a great big spurt of blood and you go flying backwards. (She walks around in front of him and the scenery around her turns bright white.) MOLLY (continuing walking, her face more serious now): The impact isn’t spread over a wide area. (She’s now in a white-walled mortuary room and she walks over to a body lying on a table in the middle of the room. The body is covered with a white sheet and has an identity tag tied to one bare toe.) MOLLY: It’s tightly focussed, so there’s little or no energy transfer. (She reaches down and starts to pull back the sheet covering the body. Sherlock is lying under the sheet, naked and with his eyes closed.) MOLLY: You stay still ... (She pulls the sheet back to his waist, revealing the bllet hole in his lower chest.) MOLLY: ... and the bllet pushes through. (There’s a brief close-up of the bllet hole. She looks down at Sherlock’s face and he can see her fuzzily even though his eyes are closed.) MOLLY: You’re almost certainly going to die, so we need to focus. (She slaps him hard across the face. He hauls in a huge breath, his eyes snapping open as his head jerks to the side under her blow. In Magnussen’s room, both Magnussen and Mary are still frozen. Sherlock’s eyelids lift a little.) MOLLY (offscreen): I said ... (She is standing in front of him.) MOLLY: ... focus. (She slaps him hard. His head snaps round under her blow and before he can turn back he’s standing in a bright white room, still reeling from Molly’s slap. He straightens up and looks around, bewildered, then looks at Molly as she speaks again. They are in the mortuary room and in front of him is the table with his own dad body lying on it, covered by a sheet as far as the waist. Rows of mortuary cabinets line one wall. She walks towards the table, leans her hands onto the edge of it and looks across it to the living version of Sherlock standing on the other side.) MOLLY: It’s all well and clever having a Mind Palace, but you’ve only three seconds of consciousness left to use it. So, come on – what’s going to kll you? (Sherlock looks down at his dad body for a moment and then raises his head again.) SHERLOCK: Blood loss. MOLLY (quietly, intensely): Exactly. (Sherlock looks at her, frowning a little.) MOLLY: So, it’s all about one thing now. (Sherlock, with his hands braced on the table in front of him, starts to sway. The loud alarm finally fades out and goes silent.) MOLLY: Forwards, or backwards? (He lowers his head and his eyes close ... ... and he’s back in Magnussen’s room staring ahead of himself.) MOLLY (offscreen): We need to decide which way you’re going to fall. (Behind him, as Mary and Magnussen remain frozen in place, Anderson walks over and stops behind his back. He is wearing white medical gloves. Molly walks towards Sherlock from halfway across the room.) ANDERSON: One hole, or two? SHERLOCK (frowning and turning to look over his shoulder at him): Sorry? (Anderson raises his eyebrows in a questioning way.) MOLLY: Is the bllet still inside you ... (He turns to face her as she stands in front of him.) MOLLY: ... or is there an exit wound? (The perspective changes and she is no longer in front of him, though Anderson is still behind him.) MOLLY (voiceover): It’ll depend on the gn. (Sherlock turns his head to the left and now he can see diagrams of many different pstol in front of his eyes. He zooms in on one – which changes from a blue outline to a yellow one – and a tag appears above it reading, “Cat-0208”.) SHERLOCK: That one, I think. (He looks across the diagrams and another pstol identified as “Cat-077839” turns yellow. He moves on to another gn which changes to yellow. We can’t see the first part of the identification tag but its number ends “173634”.) SHERLOCK: Or that one. (He frowns as if uncertain and continues through the display, another gn flashing yellow and showing its identification and then rapidly disappearing off screen before he moves on.) MYCROFT (offscreen): Oh, for God’s sake, Sherlock. (Sherlock turns his head to the right and sees his brother sitting at his desk in his office at The Diogenes Club.) MYCROFT: It doesn’t matter about the gn. Don’t be stupid. (Sherlock turns and walks towards him. Mycroft leans forward and folds his hands on the table in front of him.) MYCROFT: You always were so stupid. (Sherlock continues towards him, but now he’s a young boy – about eleven years old – and wearing dark trousers and a shirt with a buttoned dark green cardigan over it. He walks slowly towards his big brother.) MYCROFT: Such a disappointment. YOUNG SHERLOCK (angrily): I’m not stupid. MYCROFT (sternly): You’re a very stupid little boy. (He stands up and walks around the table.) MYCROFT: Mummy and Daddy are very cross ... (He reaches the other side of the table and leans against it.) MYCROFT: ... because it doesn’t matter about the gn. YOUNG SHERLOCK (frowning up at him): Why not? MYCROFT: You saw the whole room when you entered it. What was directly behind you when you were mrder? YOUNG SHERLOCK (sounding petulant): I’ve not been mrder yet. MYCROFT (leaning down to him): Balance of probability, little brother. (Young Sherlock looks down, and the loud alarm begins to blare again as he turns his head to look behind him. In Magnussen’s room, adult Sherlock also turns around to where a row of panelled mirrors is behind him on the wall. Mycroft can be seen fuzzily reflected in the mirrors as if he is standing some distance away. Sherlock walks closer to the mirrors and looks in them.) MYCROFT (walking closer): If the bllet had passed through you, what would you have heard? SHERLOCK: The mirror shattering. MYCROFT: You didn’t. Therefore ...? (Sherlock turns and slowly walks past him.) SHERLOCK: The bllet’s still inside me. (He walks back to his original position.) ANDERSON (offscreen): So, we need to take him down backwards. MOLLY (standing in front of Sherlock again): I agree. Sherlock ... (He turns his attention to her.) MOLLY: ... you need to fall on your back. ANDERSON (still behind him but now starting to walk around him to his right): Right now, the bllet is the cork in the bottle. MOLLY (walking around Sherlock to his left as the alarm fades away again): The bllet itself is blocking most of the blood flow. ANDERSON (coming to a halt in front of him and looking at him): But any pressure or impact on the entrance wound could dislodge it. MOLLY (now standing behind Sherlock): Plus, on your back, gravity’s working for us. (The room takes on a blue hue.) MOLLY (firmly): Fall now. (Sherlock’s eyes half-close and his body begins to slump. In very slow-motion he starts to topple backwards. The room takes on its normal colour as he slowly falls back. He is falling towards the right-hand side of the room, and the entire room seems to tilt down towards the left as he goes. Mary and the kneeling Magnussen, still frozen in place with her pointing her pstol at him while she looks towards Sherlock, do not move as the room continues to tilt further to the left, but a plant in a plant pot on the windowsill begins to slide slowly across the sill towards the left of the room. Before he hits the floor Sherlock is suddenly back in the bright white mortuary room, standing upright, and the alarm is blaring again. He stumbles back against the cabinets in the wall, claps his hands to his ears and cries out in alarm.) SHERLOCK: What the hell is that? What’s happening? (He lowers his hands and looks around in confusion. Beside him, one of the cabinet doors opens and the tray slides out. His own dad body is lying on the tray with his eyes closed. The ‘real’ Sherlock stares down at it in horror.) MOLLY (now standing on the other side of the tray): You’re going into shock. (Sherlock straightens up and stares at her wide-eyed.) MOLLY: It’s the next thing that’s going to kll you. SHERLOCK: What do I do? (Mycroft is now standing where Molly was. Sherlock, still wide-eyed, lifts his head to meet his gaze.) MYCROFT: Don’t go into shock, obviously. (He looks around the room as the alarm blares on.) MYCROFT: Must be something in this ridiculous memory palace of yours that can calm you down. (He turns his head back to his brother and his last words echo.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (as an echo): ... calm you down. (Sherlock stares at him.) MYCROFT: Find it. (Sherlock screws his eyes closed, and now he’s running in slow motion down the long staircase again.) MYCROFT (in the morgue): The East Wind is coming, Sherlock. (He raises his eyebrows at him as the alarm stops blaring.) It’s coming to get you. (Elsewhere in his Mind Palace, Sherlock continues to stumble down the stairs and his own voice sounds in his head.) SHERLOCK’s VOICE (quiet but echoing): It’s coming to get you. (Without transition a door opens in front of him and Mary – wearing her wedding dress and with a white veil over her face – stands facing him aiming a pstol at him. She fires and Sherlock screams and falls backwards in slow-motion. Before he hits the floor he’s suddenly in a long corridor lined with wooden doors. Mycroft’s voice sounds in his head as he races along the corridor.) MYCROFT’s VOICE: Find it. (Sherlock runs to a nearby door and pulls it open. White light floods out and then he’s in another similar corridor. Lying on the floor a short distance away is a dog – an Irish setter – panting and looking towards him.) SHERLOCK: Hello, Redbeard. Here, boy. Come on! (He leans down and pats the top of his legs repeatedly, smiling at his dog. The dog sits up.) SHERLOCK: Come to me. It’s okay. It’s all right. (The dog starts to trot along the corridor towards him; and now Sherlock is his younger self again, patting his legs and calling to his dog.) YOUNG SHERLOCK: Come on! It’s me! It’s me, come on! (The dog breaks into a run, barking as he continues onwards. Adult Sherlock is now squatting in the middle of the corridor, smiling with delight and still patting his legs encouragingly as the dog runs towards him.) SHERLOCK: Come on! YOUNG SHERLOCK: Good boy! Clever boy! (The barking dog reaches the boy, who kneels down smiling happily and starts stroking his head and ears. The dog has also reached the adult Sherlock and is licking his face as Sherlock strokes his head and ears.) SHERLOCK: Hello, Redbeard. They’re putting me down too, now. It’s no fun, is it? (He slumps down onto his backside, looking weak and disorientated.) SHERLOCK (weakly): Redbeard. (The dog barks, and Sherlock falls backwards to the floor. In Magnussen’s flat, Sherlock continues his slow-motion fall backwards, and finally lands on the carpet staring upwards blankly.) MOLLY (offscreen): Without the shock, you’re going to feel the pain. (In Redbeard’s corridor, she is standing some distance away from Sherlock as he convulses on the floor, his eyes wide and his teeth clenched. Molly looks towards him, her face serious.) MOLLY: There’s a hole ripped through you. Massive internal bleeding. (Sherlock continues to convulse, his face contorted in agony and his mouth open. He screams, although the scream is muted to our ears.) MOLLY: You have to control the pain. (And now Sherlock is running down the stairs again. He reaches the bottom and, screaming in pain, runs through a door into a padded cell. The room is circular and about twenty feet in diameter. The floor is plain concrete and the walls are heavily padded with a dirty greyish-brown material. On the opposite side of the cell to the door, a man crouches on the floor, leaning against the wall with his head lowered. The door closes behind Sherlock and he flattens himself against the wall beside it, convulsing and crying out in pain. He stares upwards, his eyes red-rimmed.) SHERLOCK: Control! Control! Control. (His voice quietens a little with each repeat. On the other side of the room the man – who we now see is wearing a filthy white straitjacket and has a large metal collar around his neck with a heavy chain fastened to it – slowly turns his head a little towards Sherlock. His face still cannot be seen but his breathing is very loud. Sherlock stares at him, his eyes wide and his teeth bared.) SHERLOCK (straightening up and leaning up from the wall): You. (Breathing heavily, he takes a couple of steps forward.) SHERLOCK: You never felt pain, did you? Why did you never feel pain? JIM MORIARTY (slowly turning his head more): You always feel it, Sherlock. (He turns his head some more and looks across at Sherlock, his face mrder. His face is dirty and it is flushed dark red with rage. Sherlock stares back at him. The lights around the walls flicker briefly and Jim surges up and charges towards him, his mouth wide and roaring with fury. Sherlock recoils but just before Jim can crash into him the chain on his collar, fastened to the wall behind him, reaches its full length and prevents him from going further. He shouts manically into Sherlock’s face.) JIM: But you don’t have to fear it! (Sherlock doubles over, crying out in agony. Jim stares at him, wide-eyed and insane, as Sherlock crumples slowly to his knees and then slumps over onto his back. Jim continues to stare down at him as Sherlock writhes.) JIM: Pain. Heartbreak. Loss. (Sherlock rolls onto his side, his face screwed tight and tears streaming from his eyes as he tries to fight the agony in his chest.) JIM (in an intense whisper): Death. It’s all good. (Sherlock convulses on the floor, moaning.) JIM (now on his knees beside him): It’s all good. (Sherlock lies on his back staring upwards and still convulsing.) JOHN’s VOICE: Sherlock? (In Magnussen’s room, John is on his knees beside Sherlock, gently patting his face.) JOHN: Sherlock? (He bends down to put his ear against Sherlock’s mouth.) JOHN: Can you hear me? (He lifts his head and looks across to Magnussen, who is lying on the floor on his side but now raises his head. There is no sign of Mary in the room.) JOHN: What happened? MAGNUSSEN (weakly): He got sht. JOHN (softly): Jesus. (He flips open Sherlock’s coat and sees lots of blood on his shirt around the bllet wound.) JOHN: Sherlock! Oh, my ... (Magnussen picks up his glasses which had fallen to the floor. John straightens up on his knees and reaches into his jeans pocket. He looks sternly across to Magnussen.) JOHN: Who sht him? (Magnussen sits up and puts his glasses on, then looks across at John but doesn’t reply. John has his phone to his ear and an operator speaks.) OPERATOR (over phone): Emergency. Which service do you require? (Back in the padded cell, the lighting has turned a blue colour as Sherlock continues to convulse on the floor, his eyes wide. Beside him, Jim is back on his feet and he begins to sing slowly and softly.) JIM: ♪ It’s raining, it’s pouring. Sherlock is boring ... ♪ (Sherlock sinks down on the floor, his convulsions beginning to slow. Jim crouches down near Sherlock’s head. In the real world and outside the offices, an emergency siren sounds as paramedics wheel Sherlock on a stretcher towards a nearby ambulance. John is at his side.) JIM (in the cell, slowly, softly): ♪ I’m laughing, I’m crying ... ♪ (He kneels down beside Sherlock, whose convulsions stop apart from an occasional twitch. His eyes gaze blankly upwards, then begin to close.) JIM (slowly, softly): ♪ ... Sherlock is dying. ♪ (The ambulance is now racing through the streets. In the back of it a paramedic tears Sherlock’s shirt open. An oxygen mask has been strapped to his face. His eyes are closed.) JOHN: Sherlock. (He is sitting or kneeling behind the paramedic, looking at his friend with concern.) JOHN: We’re losing you. Sherlock? (Sherlock’s eyes crack open a little. On his knees in the padded cell, Jim leans forward as far as his chain will let him and breathes out heavily into Sherlock’s face.) JIM (softly): Come on, Sherlock. (He lifts his head a little, spittle dribbling from his mouth.) JIM (softly): Just die, why can’t you? (He lies down on his side on the floor and puts his face close to Sherlock’s head.) JIM: One little push, and off you pop. (He turns onto his back and looks up. In an operating theatre in a hospital, a heart monitor is letting out a single continuous tone and a flat line rolls across the screen. One of several doctors surrounding the operating table does a few more heart compressions on Sherlock’s chest and then withdraws his hands. As the doctors turn away from the table, having clearly been trying to restart his heart for some time but now having decided that there is no point continuing, an overhead view of the operating table shows Sherlock, bare to the waist and with a breathing tube down his throat, lying with his eyes closed as the monitor’s single tone continues. The lights in the room seem to go out, leaving a single light shining down on his body. In the padded cell, Jim is kneeling up and he talks conversationally as the monitor’s flatline tone can still be heard.) JIM: You’re gonna love being dad, Sherlock. (He looks down at Sherlock’s still form.) JIM: No-one ever bothers you. (In the operating room the overhead camera moves downwards towards Sherlock’s still body.) JIM (a little wide-eyed and manic): Mrs Hudson will cry; and Mummy and Daddy will cry ... (He is suddenly on his feet again and turns round and round on the spot until his chain stops him, then he rotates in the opposite direction.) JIM: ... and The Woman will cry; and John will cry buckets and buckets. It’s him that I worry about the most. That wife! (He grimaces and blows out a noisy breath.) JIM: You’re letting him down, Sherlock. John Watson is definitely in danger. (On the floor of the cell, Sherlock’s eyes abruptly open. Jim slowly turns his head towards him as Sherlock stares upwards. Jim’s eyes widen as the lights around the room flash repeatedly. Sherlock convulses once and blinks, then sighs out a painful breath. Grimacing with the effort he starts to try and get up. In the operating room, the single tone continues and the monitor still shows a flat line. Groaning, Sherlock slams his hand onto the floor of the cell and then forces himself onto one elbow. He raises his other arm and savagely punches the concrete floor with all his strength. Kneeling nearby, Jim looks down at him with an irritated look on his face.) JIM (tetchily): Oh, you’re not getting better, are you? (Sherlock hauls himself to his feet, then staggers and slumps back against the wall.) JIM: Was it something I said, huh? (He grins at him for a moment, then his smile fades as Sherlock glares back at him, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. Grunting with the effort, Sherlock pushes himself off the wall, turns to the door beside him and pushes it open.) SHERLOCK (frantically): John! (Wide-eyed and looking panic-stricken, Jim screams out behind him.) JIM: SHERLOCK! (He is alone in the room and the door is closed. He slumps down onto his knees against the wall, taking up the same position he was in when Sherlock first entered the room. In the operating room, the camera continues to move downwards towards Sherlock’s still form. In his Mind Palace, Sherlock takes hold of the bannister at the bottom of the stairs. The camera moves downward in the operating room and the flatline continues on the monitor. Grimacing in agony, Sherlock begins to haul himself up the stairs. In the operating room the monitor gives a single blip and the index finger of Sherlock’s left hand twitches very slightly. Sherlock continues his painful ascent up the stairs, leaning heavily on the bannisters or bracing himself against the wall. He cries out with the effort. The line on the heart monitor blips and shows its first spike. Simultaneously but offscreen, from the stairs Sherlock lets out an anguished groan of “John!” One of the doctors slowly turns his head to look towards the monitor, and the lights in the operating theatre seem to come on again. His face contorted in agony, Sherlock slumps against the bannisters as he continues upwards and he seems to hear John’s voice calling his name. On the operating table, Sherlock’s left index finger lifts off the cover on which his hand is lying. The doctor’s eyes widen, and all the staff in the room hurry back to the table. Sherlock continues his climb, his right hand braced on the bannisters and the left dragging across the wall. The fingers of his left hand momentarily slide across the wallpaper of his living room in Baker Street. Now almost crawling, he reaches up and grabs the railings of the bannister as he drags himself upwards. One of the doctors looks across to another as if he can’t believe what he is seeing. His face contorted in concentration and agony, Sherlock grabs at the bannister with a loud cry as he continues to climb. The heart monitor shows another spike and another blip can be heard. The doctor looks down to Sherlock again. His determined gaze almost manic, Sherlock forces his hand upwards to clutch at the bannister and pull himself higher. The heart monitor spikes and blips. In his mind’s eye, Sherlock sees a rapid montage of images: several moments from when Magnussen showed him the edge of the papers in his jacket pocket in 221B’s living room; then Mary aiming her gn down at Magnussen in his flat before Sherlock knew who the potential kller was; then the front door to 221B. His inner vision closes in on the door and settles on it. In the operating room, his eyelids begin to lift as the heart monitor’s blips become more regular. The doctor looks down at him ... ... and Sherlock Holmes opens his eyes. His gaze becomes more focussed, and his mouth begins to close around the tube in his mouth in an attempt to form a word. As the scene switches to the next one, a soft whisper can be heard. SHERLOCK’s VOICE (offscreen, in a whisper): Mary. [Your transcriber slumps sideways and falls off her chair, exhausted at having just typed the most intense and complicated seven minutes of footage that she has ever attempted. She lies on the floor giggling contentedly to herself for a few minutes, then wearily hauls herself back onto her chair and continues.] HOSPITAL. DAYTIME. Mary – now dressed more normally – hurries through the entrance and across the foyer. She runs up a flight of stairs to where John is waiting for her on the landing. JOHN: Mary. (He walks to meet her at the top of the stairs.) MARY: Hey. JOHN (his voice full of relief): He’s only bloody woken up! He’s pulled through. MARY (smiling): Really?! Seriously? JOHN: Oh, you, Mrs Watson ... (he points at her, trying to look stern) ... you’re in big trouble. (Mary frowns at him, looking confused.) MARY: Really? Why? JOHN: His first word when he woke up? (She shakes her head.) JOHN: “Mary”! (She giggles and he joins in with her laughter. They hug each other tightly.) MARY: Ahh! (Over John’s shoulder, her face becomes serious.) APPLEDORE. Magnussen walks downstairs from the entrance hall, goes past the kitchen, into the glass-walled study and heads towards the wooden doors. He goes down the spiral staircase and through the library, his fingers raised and flickering towards the shelves. HOSPITAL ROOM. A drip hangs on a stand beside Sherlock’s bed where he lies with a nasal cannula on his face. A rotary fan is on the cabinet beside his bed and the shadow of its rotating blades flickers across his face. MARY (softly, offscreen): You don’t tell him. (Sherlock opens his eyes with difficulty.) MARY (gently, sing-song): Sherlock? (He looks up to where he can see Mary standing beside his bed. His vision of her is blurry.) MARY: You don’t tell John. At the rear of the Appledore archive, Magnussen is looking at a folder which has one or two photographs of Mary paperclipped to the inside. MAGNUSSEN (softly): Bad girl. (He smiles down at the file.) MAGNUSSEN (in an admiring tone): Bad, bad girl. (His smile widens.) In Sherlock’s hospital room Mary leans down to him, her image still fuzzy. MARY (in an intense whisper): Look at me – and tell me you’re not gonna tell him. (Sherlock’s vision becomes even more blurry and his eyes close.) DAYS LATER (presumably). DAYTIME. The top of Sherlock’s bed has been raised a little, and now he opens his eyes and lifts his head from the pillow with a tired sigh at the sound of rustling newspapers. He no longer has the nasal cannula. In front of him someone is holding up the front page of a newspaper to show him. The headline of the Daily Express reads, “SHAG-A-LOT HOLMES” and the strapline says, “Sherlock is as red blooded as they come, claims fiancé” [with only one ‘e’]. Whoever is holding the paper puts it down to reveal the front page of another newspaper – the Daily Mirror – which has a red strapline at the top reading, “EXCLUSIVE – SHERLOCK HOLMES KISS AND TELL” and a main headline saying, “7 TIMES A NIGHT IN BAKER STREET”. The person holding the paper – who we now see is wearing red nail varnish – lowers that paper and shows an inside page of one of the broadsheets. A large photograph of Janine smiling into the camera while wearing a deerstalker hat has an inset photo of Sherlock, and the headline reads, “He made me wear the hat.” JANINE: I’m buying a cottage. (Sitting on one side of the bed near Sherlock’s feet, she slaps the last newspaper down and smiles at him.) JANINE: I made a lot of money out of you, mister. (Sherlock lifts up one of the papers and looks at it.) JANINE: Nothing hits the spot like revenge for profits. SHERLOCK (tiredly): You didn’t give these stories to Magnussen, did you? JANINE: God, no – one of his rivals. He was spittin’! (Sherlock grunts and smiles a little.) JANINE (looking angrily at him): Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-sab, heartless, manipulative bastard. (Sherlock presses the button on a remote on the bed and the top of his bed rises, pushing him into more of a sitting position.) SHERLOCK: And you – as it turns out – are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry tabloid whore. JANINE (cheerfully): So we’re good, then! SHERLOCK: Yeah, of course. (He smiles.) Where’s the cottage? JANINE: Sussex Downs. SHERLOCK: Hmm, nice. JANINE: It’s gorgeous. There’s beehives, but I’m getting rid of those. (Sherlock tries to push himself higher on the bed but then gasps with pain.) JANINE: Aw, hurts, does it? Probably wanna restart your morphine. I might have fiddled with the taps. SHERLOCK: How much more revenge are you gonna need? (Grimacing, he reaches across to a machine beside his bed and pushes a button to release a dose of morphine into the drip in his arm. The read-out shows the machine giving him almost the maximum dosage.) JANINE: Just the occasional top-up. (She looks round the room.) JANINE: Dream come true for you, this place. They actually attach the drugs to you! SHERLOCK: Not good for working. JANINE: You won’t be working for a while, Sherl. (Sherlock sighs softly and his eyes close a little.) JANINE (softly): You lied to me. You lied and lied. SHERLOCK: I exploited the fact of our connection. JANINE: When?! SHERLOCK: Hmm? JANINE: Just once would have been nice. SHERLOCK: Oh. (He looks a little shifty-eyed.) I was waiting until we got married. JANINE: That was never gonna happen! (He looks away. She sighs and stands up.) JANINE: Got to go. (She walks over and kisses him on the forehead, then gently wipes her lipstick from his skin with her thumb.) JANINE: I’m not supposed to keep you talking. (She reaches down to pick up her handbag.) JANINE (straightening up): And also I have an interview with The One Show and I haven’t made it up yet. (Sherlock looks up to the ceiling with a soft sigh. She walks to the door and then turns back.) JANINE: Just one thing. (He looks across to her.) JANINE: You shouldn’t have lied to me. I know what kind of man you are ... but we could have been friends. (Smiling at him, she turns and takes hold of the door handle, then looks back at him.) JANINE: I’ll give your love to John and Mary. (She goes out, closing the door behind her. Sherlock looks towards the door thoughtfully, then looks upwards for a moment. He turns towards the morphine dispenser and, grunting in pain, pushes the button to lower the dosage. The read-out shows the level dropping back to a lower level. He releases the button with a tired sigh. He closes his eyes ... ... and opens them in the wooden door-lined corridor of his Mind Palace. Standing up and fully dressed, including his coat, he stares intensely ahead of himself.) MARY (offscreen): You don’t tell him. (He looks along the corridor and Mary is standing a few yards away, facing him. She is wearing the clothes she had on when he first met her in the restaurant and her hair is styled the same way as it was then.) MARY: You don’t tell John. (Sherlock starts to walk towards her and the word “Liar” appears above her right shoulder.) SHERLOCK (slowly): So ... (He continues towards her, and many words, all saying “Liar” swirl around her. She looks at him, apparently unperturbed, as he circles around her.) SHERLOCK: ... Mary Watson. Who are you? (He completes his circle around her and turns to face her again, the words still swirling around. He looks at her for a moment, then turns and walks away, the words following him down the corridor.) SHERLOCK (whispering): Mary Watson. (He stops, and the words fade out and vanish. He turns to face her ... ... and in Magnussen’s flat Mary’s black-gloved hand pulls the trigger on the pstol and the shell flies out of the top in slow motion. In his hospital bed, his fingers steepled together on his chest and his eyes closed, Sherlock lowers his hands as the sound of the gn echoes in his ears. He sighs, raises his head and tiredly opens his eyes.) EVENING, possibly the same day. John is leading Greg Lestrade up the stairs of the hospital. JOHN: Dunno how much sense you’ll get out of him. He’s drugged up, so he’s pretty much babbling. (As they reach the top of the stairs and walk along the landing, he looks down at the sound of a beep and realises that Greg is doing something on his phone.) JOHN: Oh, they won’t let you use that in here, you know. LESTRADE: No, I’m not gonna use the phone. I just wanna take a video. (He and John grin at each other and Greg chuckles. Shortly afterwards John opens the door to Sherlock’s room and they go inside. The bed is empty. John looks round the room, and his face fills with shock when he realises that the window blind has been pulled up and the window is open.) JOHN: Oh, Jesus. (He and Greg stare at the window, then John sighs and the two men exchange a look.) Mary, perhaps at home, is on the phone. MARY (into phone): So where would he go? JOHN (on the phone to her from the hospital): Oh, Christ knows. Try finding Sherlock in London. (Mary lowers her phone and hangs up.) John and Greg are on their way out of the hospital. LESTRADE: He’s got three known bolt holes ... (They walk away from the hospital, Greg holding his phone to his ear.) LESTRADE: Parliament Hill, Camden Lock and Dagmar Court. MYCROFT: Five known bolt holes. (He is sitting at his desk in his office at The Diogenes Club, looking down at a satellite map on his computer. The page is headed “UGLY DUCKLING”. A note in the top right corner of the map reads, “TARGET LOCATED. TRACKING ...” and a point on the map is highlighted. As the tracker appears to be somewhere around Warsaw in Poland, Mycroft is apparently multi-tasking. Greg is standing at the other side of the table.) MYCROFT: There’s the blind greenhouse in Kew Gardens and the leaning tomb in Hampstead Cemetery. (He looks up at Greg and dismissively waves him away. [Mystrade fans pout with annoyance.]) Molly is sitting in a canteen wearing her lab coat and holding a cardboard coffee cup. Some sandwiches part-wrapped in tin foil, together with a tangerine, are on the table beside her. She looks up at whoever she’s speaking to. We can’t see this person because we are looking through their eyes. MOLLY: Just the spare bedroom. ... (Awkwardly) Well ... my bedroom. We agreed he needs the space. (She nods, looking embarrassed, and takes a drink from her cup.) There’s a brief sht of Big Ben chiming two minutes past nine [don’t ask ...]. MRS HUDSON: Behind the clock face of Big Ben. (We’re now in 221. John is sitting on the stairs with a notebook and pen in his hand and Mrs H stands in the hall nearby.) JOHN: I think he was probably joking. MRS HUDSON: No! I don’t think so! ANDERSON: Leinster Gardens. That’s his number one bolt hole. It’s top-top secret. (He is standing with Benji in what looks like a car park or garage area, and he is addressing his comments to Mary who stands in front of them.) BENJI (tilting her head towards Anderson but looking at Mary): He only knows about it ’cause he stalked him one night. ANDERSON: Followed! BENJI: Followed, yeah. 221B. John is in the living room, pacing, and Greg and Mrs Hudson are in the kitchen. JOHN: He knew who sht him. (The other two turn to face him as he stops walking and looks at them. He points to his lower chest.) JOHN: The bllet wound was here, so he was facing whoever it was. LESTRADE (walking closer): So why not tell us? (John turns around towards the window, blwing out a thoughtful breath.) LESTRADE: Because he’s tracking them down himself. JOHN (turning back to him): Or protecting them. LESTRADE: Protecting the sht? Why? JOHN: Well, protecting someone, then. But why would he care? He’s Sherlock. Who would he bother protecting? (He sits down in his armchair, then looks down at it and frowns. Looking thoughtful, he pats the arms.) LESTRADE: Call me if you hear anything. Don’t hold out on me, John. (John is still looking puzzled over the reappearance of his chair.) LESTRADE: Call me, okay? JOHN (distractedly, glancing round at him): Yeah. Yeah, right. (Greg looks round to Mrs Hudson.) LESTRADE: Good night, then. MRS HUDSON: Oh ... (She walks over towards the living room door as Greg leaves. John strokes the arms of his chair with his thumbs, frowning down.) MRS HUDSON (to Greg): ’Bye, then. (She turns back to John and looks at him worriedly.) MRS HUDSON: John? Need a cuppa. (She walks into the kitchen and John shifts in his chair so that he can half-turn towards her.) JOHN: Mrs Hudson ... (he clears his throat) ... wh-why does Sherlock think that I’ll be moving back in here? MRS HUDSON: Oh, yes, he’s put your chair back again, hasn’t he? JOHN: Huh. (He sits back in the chair again, still looking at it thoughtfully.) MRS HUDSON: That’s nice! (She has picked up the kettle and now walks closer to him.) MRS HUDSON: Looks much better. (John’s gaze falls on the small table to the right of his chair. There are two books on it and in front of them is an ornate glass bottle, shaped like a crescent moon. He frowns at it.) MRS HUDSON: John, what’s wrong? Tell me. (John’s gaze is now fixed on the bottle.) MRS HUDSON: John? (John looks away from the bottle, turning his head towards the window. A phone starts to buzz repeatedly.) MRS HUDSON: That’s your phone, isn’t it? (She walks across the room to pick up the phone from the dining table. She looks at the screen and turns back.) MRS HUDSON: It’s Sherlock, John. It’s Sherlock. (She holds out the phone to him but John is still gazing towards the window. He turns his head to look at the bottle again.) MRS HUDSON: John! You have to answer it! (But John can’t tear his eyes away from the bottle, and we now see that it is a bottle of perfume. The name of the perfume is Claire de la Lune.) The distinctive crescent moon shape of the perfume bottle dissolves into a view of the real Moon, half full in the night sky. Mary is walking along a road towards Leinster Gardens. It is an expensive-looking area, with a long terrace of four-storey white-plastered Edwardian buildings lining the road. A homeless person is squatting with his back to the wall at the corner of the road. He has the hood of his jacket pulled over his head, a blanket wrapped around him, and a white plastic tub is on the ground in front of him. HOMELESS MAN (hoarsely, as Mary walks past): Spare any change, love? MARY (not stopping): No. HOMELESS MAN (hoarsely): Oh, come on, love. Don’t be like all the rest. (She stops, turning back to him, then takes a handful of loose change from her coat pocket, bends down and drops the coins into the tub. Before she can fully straighten up or withdraw her hand, he takes hold of her wrist and looks up at her. It’s Bill Wiggins.) BILL (in his normal voice): Rule One of looking for Sherlock ’olmes ... (He puts a phone and a headset into her hand.) BILL: ... ’e finds you. (He stands, picking up his tub.) MARY: You’re working for Sherlock now. BILL: Keeps me off the streets, dunnit? MARY: Well ... no. (She shrugs at him. The phone in her hand starts to ring. As she puts the headset into her ear, Bill turns and walks away. She answers the phone.) MARY (walking along the road): Where are you? SHERLOCK (over phone): Can’t you see me? MARY: Well, what am I looking for? SHERLOCK (over phone): The lie – the lie of Leinster Gardens – hidden in plain sight. (Stepping a few feet into the road so that she can get a better view of the tall houses, she continues along the road while looking at the house fronts. There is nobody else in the street and no cars are driving along it.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Hardly anyone notices. People live here for years and never see it, but if you are what I think you are, it’ll take you less than a minute. (She continues to walk slowly along the road.) SHERLOCK (over phone): The houses, Mary. Look at the houses. MARY: How did you know I’d come here? SHERLOCK (over phone): I knew you’d talk to the people no one else would bother with. MARY (laughing briefly): I thought I was being clever. SHERLOCK (over phone): You’re always clever, Mary. I was relying on that. I planted the information for you to find. (She slows down, looking at a couple of adjoining houses in the middle of the terrace.) MARY (her voice sounding impressed): Ohh. (She stops and turns to face the two houses which have caught her attention. Although there is no light shining from any of the windows, unlike the others on either side, the houses otherwise look similar to the rest of the terrace.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Thirty seconds. MARY: What am I looking at? SHERLOCK (over phone): No door knobs, no letter box ... (She looks towards the two front doors to confirm this, then raises her eyes to the windows in which the glass is opaque.) SHERLOCK (over phone): ... painted windows. Twenty-three and twenty-four Leinster Gardens ... (He pauses and sighs gently.) SHERLOCK (over phone): ... the empty houses. (The camera rises up towards the rooftops of the buildings.) SHERLOCK (over phone): They were demolished years ago to make way for the London Underground, a vent for the old steam trains. (The camera lifts over the top of the houses and reveals that behind their front walls there is nothing else of the buildings. The houses on either side are complete but these two have only the front wall remaining, and underneath the houses runs a train line along which a Tube train now passes by.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Only the very front section of the house remains. It’s just a façade. (He draws in a breath.) Remind you of anyone, Mary? A façade. (At that moment a picture is projected onto the front of the two houses. Three storeys high, stretching from the first floor to the third, it is a photograph of Mary. The picture, obviously taken on her wedding day, is a head sht only and shows her wearing her headdress with the white veil surrounding her head as she smiles happily at the camera. Mary turns and looks behind her, trying to see where the picture is being projected from.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Sorry. I never could resist a touch of drama. (She turns back and looks at her image on the houses.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Do come in. It’s a little cramped. MARY (starting to walk towards the houses): Do you own this place? SHERLOCK (over phone): Mmm. I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal. (One of the two adjacent front doors is slightly ajar and there is light behind it. She walks towards that door.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a ... (he draws in a breath) ... straight flush. (Mary pushes the door open and looks inside. On the wall inside the door is an empty socket for a large electric plug and beside it is a fuse box.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Quite a gambler, that woman. (Mary walks inside. All that remains of the house is a long narrow corridor running along the front of the house. She looks back behind her for a moment and then focuses on the corridor. It is lit at her end, and at the other end a bright light shines towards her, obscuring her view of the far end, but she can just about see a shape sitting on a chair in the shadows under the light. She stares at the shape and draws in a breath.) MARY: What do you want, Sherlock? (We switch to the other end of the corridor, looking towards Mary over the shoulder of the figure sitting there and facing her. Water trickles from the ceiling beside it. We can also see the thin clear tube of a medical drip hanging beside the figure.) SHERLOCK (over phone): Mary Morstan was stillborn in October 1972. Her gravestone is in Chiswick Cemetery where – five years ago – you acquired her name and date of birth and thereafter her identity. (She starts walking slowly along the corridor.) SHERLOCK (over phone): That’s why you don’t have ‘friends’ from before that date. FLASHBACK to Sherlock standing in the living room of 221B looking at his wedding plans on the wall behind the sofa. SHERLOCK (turning to where Mary is sitting at the dining table): Need to work on your half of the church, Mary. Looking a bit thin. MARY (smiling): Ah, orphan’s lot. Friends – that’s all I have. In the present, Mary continues to walk slowly along the corridor. SHERLOCK (over phone): It’s an old enough technique, known to the kinds of people who can recognise a skip-code on sight ... FLASHBACK to Mary on the first floor landing at 221, showing Sherlock the text message she has received. MARY: At first I thought it was just a Bible thing, you know, spam, but it’s not. It’s a skip-code. (Sherlock looks closely at her.) In the present, Mary is still walking towards the seated figure she can now see a little better as it sits on the chair at the end of the corridor, although the face is still obscured in shadow. The medical drip is on a stand behind the chair and the recognisable shape of the morphine dispenser can be seen attached to the stand. SHERLOCK (over phone): ... have extraordinarily retentive memories ... FLASHBACK to the wedding venue as Sherlock stands partway up the staircase with the tips of his fingers against his temples and his eyes screwed closed. JOHN: How can you not remember which room? You remember everything. SHERLOCK (irritably): I have to delete something! (Mary runs around the corner and pelts up the stairs in between them, holding her skirt up with one hand to stop herself tripping over it.) MARY: Two oh seven. In the present, Mary has stopped about halfway along the corridor. MARY: You were very slow. SHERLOCK (over phone): How good a sht are you? (She reaches inside her coat, pulls out her pstol and cocks it, holding it down by her side.) MARY: How badly do you want to find out? SHERLOCK (over phone): If I die here, my body will be found in a building with your face projected on the front of it. Even Scotland Yard could get somewhere with that. (She nods her agreement, still looking towards the shadowed figure at the end of the corridor. She can see one side of the popped coat collar protruding out of the shadows.) SHERLOCK (over phone): I want to know how good you are. (Softly, encouragingly) Go on. Show me. The doctor’s wife must be a little bit bored by now. (Shifting her pstol in her grip, Mary looks down and reaches into her shoulder bag and takes out a fifty pence coin. Balancing it on her thumb and forefinger, she looks up to gauge the height of the ceiling, then flicks the coin high into the air, raises the gn and fires at it. The ejected shell pings off the wall in front of her and she turns and lowers her head to avoid the coin as it falls down to the floor. She turns to look at the shadowed figure. Behind her a shadow appears on the wall as someone walks through the open front door. The shadow is instantly recognisable as Sherlock’s with its curly hair and popped collar, and now he lowers his phone from his ear and switches it off as he walks towards her.) SHERLOCK: May I see? (Mary peers towards the shadowy figure sitting at the end of the corridor, then lowers her head and turns to Sherlock, laughing quietly.) MARY: It’s a dummy. (She takes the headset from her ear.) MARY: I suppose it was a fairly obvious trick. (She walks a few paces forward, puts her foot against the coin and sends it sliding across the floor towards him. Sherlock puts his foot onto it to stop it. He looks at her as she continues her slow walk towards him, then bends down and picks up the coin. When he straightens up and speaks, his voice is tight with pain.) SHERLOCK: And yet, over a distance of six feet, you failed to make a kll sht. (He looks like hell as he holds the coin up to show the hole sht in it. He is shaky on his feet and he is sweating. He breathes heavily as he continues talking.) SHERLOCK: Enough to hospitalise me; not enough to kll me. That wasn’t a miss. (He smiles slightly.) SHERLOCK: That was surgery. (Mary meets his gaze for a moment, then lowers her eyes.) SHERLOCK: I’ll take the case. MARY (looking at him again): What case? SHERLOCK: Yours. (A little angrily) Why didn’t you come to me in the first place? MARY: Because John can’t ever know that I lied to him. It would break him and I would lose him forever – and, Sherlock, I will never let that happen. (He turns as if to walk away. She takes a step towards him.) MARY: Please ... (He turns back to her.) MARY: ... understand. There is nothing in this world that I would not do to stop that happening. SHERLOCK (turning away): Sorry. (He walks to the fuse box and puts his hand onto one of the switches before looking back towards her.) SHERLOCK: Not that obvious a trick. (He flicks the switch and all the lights come on along the corridor. Mary’s face fills with dread as if she has realised the truth. Lowering her eyes and letting out a breath, she turns to look along the corridor to where the figure at the end can now be seen clearly. She gasps. Her husband is sitting on the chair, looking back at her with no expression in his eyes. His hair is ruffled to make it look bigger and he is wearing a black jacket with the collar popped. Slowly he stands up and begins to stroke his hair back down.) SHERLOCK (softly): Now talk, and sort it out. Do it quickly. (John takes hold of his coat and pulls it wide, shaking the collar down before settling it back onto his shoulders. Mary lets out an anguished sigh as he slowly starts to walk towards her and then stops several feet away. The scene slowly fades to black.) A church choir can be heard singing the Christmas carol, “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”. From the quality of the sound, it appears that the music is coming from a radio. Outside a red-walled cottage, Sherlock’s and Mycroft’s father comes out of the door wearing grey trousers, a white checked shirt, a bright red bowtie, and a grey cardigan. He goes over to a nearby pile of small wooden logs and picks up two of them before going back inside. Mycroft’s voice can be heard. It has a rather despairing tone to it. MYCROFT (offscreen): Oh, dear God, it’s only two o’clock. It’s been Christmas Day for at least a week now. (We switch to a view through a window of the cottage and can see the kitchen. Mycroft – wearing a shirt and tie and a sleeveless waistcoat – is sitting at the side of a large table in the middle of the kitchen rubbing one hand wearily over his brow. Christmas lights – wrapped around green foliage – are strung along the bottom of the window we are looking through and another set of lights is wrapped over the curtain rail above a window on the opposite side of the kitchen. The latter lights then progress to where they drape over the top of a picture on the wall beside the window and then dangle down haphazardly towards the floor. On the kitchen table is some crockery, including a large plate with red paper serviettes and some cutlery on it, another plate with mince pies on it, and various other items. From just offscreen, someone drops some more Christmas crackers onto a pile of them in a wooden basket on the table. Sherlock, wearing his usual dark suit and a very dark grey shirt, is sitting in an armchair near the table.) MYCROFT (in the same despairing tone): How can it only be two o’clock? I’m in agony. (Sherlock is looking at the front page of The Guardian which bears the headline “Lord Smallwood su1c1de” and the straplines “Shamed peer takes own life” and “63-year-old dies following letters scandal”. Mrs Holmes’ voice speaks offscreen.) MRS HOLMES: Mikey, is this your laptop? (Standing at the end of the table, she points down to a silver-grey laptop on the table, half-obscured by a chopping board on top of it which has several whole peeled potatoes and the peelings on it.) MYCROFT: On which depends the security of the free world, yes ... (he smiles rather sarcastically up at her) ... and you’ve got potatoes on it. (Sherlock glances over towards them.) MRS HOLMES (to Mycroft): Well, you shouldn’t leave it lying around if it’s so important. (She reaches to pick up the basket of crackers but puts it down again as Mycroft speaks while gesturing around the kitchen.) MYCROFT: Why are we doing this? We never do this. (Looking a little exasperated, his mother leans on the table.) MRS HOLMES: We are here because Sherlock is home from hospital and we are all very happy. (Mycroft looks up at her with an extremely insincere smile.) MYCROFT: Am I happy too? I haven’t checked. MRS HOLMES (picking up the basket): Behave, Mike. MYCROFT: ‘Mycroft’ is the name you gave me, if you could possibly struggle all the way to the end. (Bill Wiggins walks over and holds out a glass of punch with pieces of fruit floating in it.) BILL: Mrs Holmes? (She looks round and takes the glass from him.) MRS HOLMES: Oh! Thank you, dear. (She looks up at him.) MRS HOLMES: Not absolutely sure why you’re here. (She drinks from the glass.) SHERLOCK: I invited him. BILL: I’m his protégé, Mrs ’olmes. When ’e dies, I get all his stuff, an’ ’is job. (She looks at him, a little startled.) SHERLOCK (precisely, still reading the paper): No. BILL: Oh. Well, I help out a bit. SHERLOCK: Closer. (Mycroft and Mrs Holmes look up at Bill.) BILL: If ’e does get mrder or something ... (Mycroft and his mother look appalled.) SHERLOCK (still looking at his newspaper): Probably stop talking now. BILL: Okay. MYCROFT (to Sherlock): Lovely when you bring your friends round(!) MRS HOLMES (putting her glass down): Stop it, you. Somebody’s put a bllet in my boy ... (she walks towards Sherlock with the basket of crackers but then turns back to look at Mycroft) ... and if I ever find out who, I shall turn absolutely monstrous. (She apparently sees something on a nearby work surface.) MRS HOLMES: Ah. This was for Mary. (She walks away with whatever it is.) I’ll be back in a minute. (Sherlock, who had folded his hands in front of his mouth, now lowers his left hand and looks at his watch. A mental image of a stopwatch appears above his hand, starting a countdown from 7 minutes and 37 seconds. He refolds his hands.) In the sitting room of the cottage, which also has random Christmas decorations around it, Mr Holmes goes across to the open door of the wood-burning fireplace and puts the two pieces of wood into the lit fre. Mrs Holmes comes in. MRS HOLMES: Ah, Mary. (Carrying a mug, she takes it across to where Mary is sitting in an armchair facing the fre. She has a blanket over her stomach and legs and is flicking through the pages of a book.) MRS HOLMES: There you are. (She hands the mug to Mary, who smiles as she takes it and drinks from it.) MRS HOLMES: Cup of tea. Now, if Father starts making little humming noises, just give him a little poke. That usually does it. (Mary giggles and Mrs Holmes chuckles. Mr Holmes has straightened up from the fre, dusting off his hands, and has turned to face them while putting his hands in his pockets. He has a pair of glasses on a chain around his neck. It seems that he has taken up his wife’s suggestion of wearing them on a chain – “like Larry Grayson.” He smiles at Mary as Mrs Holmes turns to look at him. Mary holds up the book to show the front cover. The book is called “The Dynamics of Combustion” and its author is M. L. Holmes.) MARY (to Mrs Holmes): Did you write this? MRS HOLMES: Oh, that silly old thing. You mustn’t read that. Mathematics must seem terribly fatuous now! (She turns to her husband, who is now gazing into space and humming quietly to himself.) MRS HOLMES (walking towards him): Now, no humming, you! (She pats his backside affectionately. Mary, taking another drink of her tea, smiles fondly at her as she leaves the room and closes the door. Mr Holmes smiles at Mary.) MR HOLMES: Complete flake, my wife, but happens to be a genius. MARY: She was a mathematician? MR HOLMES: Gave it all up for children. (Mary smiles and sips from her mug again.) MR HOLMES: I could never bear to argue with her. I’m something of a moron myself. But she’s ... (he glances away briefly, then looks back to Mary and leans closer to her, smiling) ... unbelievably hot! MARY (giggling): Oh my God. You’re the sane one, aren’t you?! MR HOLMES (raising his eyebrows at her): Aren’t you?! (Smiling, she lowers her eyes and then drinks again. The door to the sitting room opens and John comes in, glancing briefly at Mary and then looking across to Mr Holmes, who turns to look back at him.) JOHN: Oh. (Looking nervous, Mary looks down at her book and flips it open to a random page.) JOHN: Sorry. I-I just, er ... (Mary keeps her head down, flicking through the book’s pages. John glances towards her again.) MR HOLMES: Oh. Er-er, do you two need a moment? (He starts to walk towards the door, looking at John.) JOHN: If you don’t mind. (Mr Holmes stops and looks towards Mary, who briefly raises her head and gives it a tiny shake before looking down again.) MR HOLMES (continuing towards the door): No, of course not. I’ll-I’ll go and see if I can help with ... something or another. (He goes out, closing the door behind him. John watches him go, then runs his hand under his nose and turns towards Mary. She looks down at her book for a few more moments, then raises her head and briefly watches as he slowly walks across the room to stand in front of the fre, facing her. Again she glances briefly towards him before turning her attention back to the book on her lap. Outside the closed door, Sherlock has walked over and has taken his coat from the pegs on the wall nearby. Standing at the door, his father looks at him and points back towards the sitting room.) MR HOLMES: Those two. They all right? SHERLOCK (putting his coat on): Well, you know – they’ve had their ups and downs. (He glances towards the door, then goes through another nearby door.) After a moment of dark screen, we are back in the narrow corridor in the house in Leinster Gardens. No time seems to have passed since we were last there, and Mary and John are still standing facing each other several feet apart. Now Sherlock turns away behind Mary. SHERLOCK (quietly): Baker Street. Now. (He walks away but Mary continues to stare at her husband, her face anguished. After a moment John walks forward, his eyes fixed on her and his teeth slightly bared. He keeps going and walks past her. She draws in a sharp breath, apparently fighting off tears.) Later, John opens the door of the living room at 221B and walks in, sighing quietly. Mary follows him more slowly up the stairs, with Sherlock behind her. John takes off his jacket and drops it onto the dining table. Mrs Hudson is in the kitchen but now hurries towards him worriedly. MRS HUDSON: John. (Mary walks through the door, Sherlock following slowly with his head lowered and bracing himself on the bannister.) MRS HUDSON: Mary! (Mary gives her a small smile and walks towards the fireplace while John stands by the dining table with his hands on his hips. Sherlock hobbles to the doorway and stops there, bracing himself with one hand on the edge of the open door.) MRS HUDSON (looking shocked): Oh, Sherlock! Oh, good gracious, you look terrible. SHERLOCK: Get me some morphine from your kitchen. I’ve run out. MRS HUDSON: I don’t have any morphine! SHERLOCK (angrily): Then what exactly is the point of you? (She presses her lips together for a moment, then looks round at everyone.) MRS HUDSON: What is going on? JOHN: Bloody good question. SHERLOCK (looking at John): The Watsons are about to have a domestic, and fairly quickly, I hope, because we’ve got work to do. JOHN: Oh, I have a better question. (He paces towards Mary, looking angrily into her face.) JOHN: Is everyone I’ve ever met a psychopath? (At the door, Sherlock’s eyes lift upwards as if he’s thinking.) SHERLOCK (after a moment): Yes. (Mary gives a tiny nod of agreement, pursing her lips.) SHERLOCK: Good that we’ve settled that. Anyway, we ... JOHN (turning towards him furiously): SHUT UP! (Mrs Hudson jumps at the loudness of his cry and puts one hand to her mouth.) MRS HUDSON: Oh! JOHN (to Sherlock at a more normal volume): And stay shut up, because this is not funny. (He gives him an angry humourless smile.) Not this time. SHERLOCK: I didn’t say it was funny. (John turns his head to look at Mary.) JOHN: You. (He turns to face her. When he speaks, his voice and his face are full of barely-controlled anger and he frequently breathes heavily throughout his next words.) JOHN: What have I ever done ... hmm? ... my whole life ... to deserve you? SHERLOCK (now leaning against the right-hand door post): Everything. JOHN (in the same tone as he turns to face him): Sherlock, I’ve told you ... (he walks towards him) ... shut up. SHERLOCK (quietly): Oh, I mean it, seriously. Everything – everything you’ve ever done is what you did. JOHN (very softly and dangerously): Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine. SHERLOCK (still softly): You were a doctor who went to wr. (John’s eyes are fixed on him and he is breathing rapidly and deeply.) SHERLOCK (a little louder but still quieter than we’re used to hearing his voice): You’re a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den and beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. (He pauses for a moment.) SHERLOCK: That’s me, by the way. (He raises his left hand and waves at him.) Hello. (He points towards Mrs Hudson.) SHERLOCK: Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel. MRS HUDSON: It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing. SHERLOCK (looking at her): And exotic dancing. MRS HUDSON: Sherlock Holmes, if you’ve been Youtube-ing ... SHERLOCK (louder, talking over her): John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You’re abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people ... (his voice becomes quieter again) ... so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you’ve fallen in love with conforms to that pattern? (John grimaces briefly and then, with his eyes still fixed on Sherlock, he points towards his wife at the other side of the room.) JOHN (his voice full of suppressed tears): But she wasn’t supposed to be like that. (Mrs Hudson looks across to Mary in shock. Mary lowers her head.) JOHN (to Sherlock, pointing again across the room, his voice a little stronger): Why is she like that? (Sherlock looks away towards the sofa wall for several seconds and then turns to look directly into John’s eyes.) SHERLOCK: Because you chose her. (John stares back at him, his face unreadable. Sherlock holds his gaze. Finally John turns away, speaking conversationally.) JOHN: Why is everything ... (he walks towards the dining table, holding up a questioning hand and shrugging) ... always ... (his voice raises to a loud shout) ... MY FAULT?! (He furiously kicks one of the dining chairs across the floor. Mrs Hudson jumps and flails. Even Sherlock jumps a little, but Mary remains still.) MRS HUDSON: Oh, the neighbours! (She hurries away. John turns to face Mary again, breathing heavily.) SHERLOCK (still in a quiet voice): John, listen. Be calm and answer me. (Slowly, precisely) What is she? JOHN (his gaze fixed on Mary, though he blinks repeatedly): My lying wife? SHERLOCK: No. What is she? JOHN (still looking at Mary): And the woman who’s carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her? (She gazes back at him.) SHERLOCK: No. Not in this flat; not in this room. Right here, right now, what is she? (John has a small fixed humourless smile on his face as his eyes remain locked on his wife. His head is low on his neck and he looks mrder. After a long moment he sniffs deeply and harshly.) JOHN: Okay. (He turns briefly towards Sherlock and then back to Mary.) JOHN (over his shoulder towards Sherlock): Your way. (He looks at Mary for another second, then half-turns to Sherlock.) JOHN: Always your way. (Sherlock lowers his head and looks away. John turns, clearing his throat, then picks up one of the dining chairs and puts it down facing the two armchairs and the fireplace. He looks at Mary.) JOHN: Sit. MARY: Why? JOHN (in a tight, angry whisper, leaning towards her while pointing down to the dining chair): Because that’s where they sit. (He straightens up, still speaking in the same tight voice but a little louder.) JOHN: ... the people who come in here with their stories. Th-the clients – that’s all you are now, Mary. You’re a client. This is where you sit and talk ... (he gestures towards the armchairs) ... and this is where we sit and listen, then we decide if we want you or not. (Sniffing, he walks over to his chair and sits down, clearing his throat and adjusting the cushion behind his back. After a moment, Sherlock walks forward and crosses the room. Pausing briefly in front of Mary to meet her eyes and give her a tiny nod, he turns and sits down in his own chair. Mary watches him as he sits, then looks across to John, who has slumped back into his chair and is not meeting her eyes, then she slowly walks in between them and turns round to sit down on the dining chair, putting her shoulder bag onto the floor beside her. She adjusts her coat around her, dusts off the tops of her legs, tugs the lower part of her trousers down a little on both legs, then turns her head to John as he looks back at her.) THE PRESENT. In the sitting room of the Holmes’ cottage, Mary looks up from her book as John speaks. JOHN: So, are you okay? MARY (rather sarcastically): Oh! Are we doing conversation today? It really is Christmas(!) (John reaches into the pocket of his trousers and takes something out. He shows her what he’s holding. It is a large silver-coloured pen drive with a circular link at one end for attaching it to a key ring. Written in black felt-tip pen on one side are the initials “A.G.R.A”. [It’s actually not clear whether there’s a dot after the ‘R’, because the bottom right hand part of the letter runs into it.] The writing is somewhat faded. Mary closes the book and lets out a brief exasperated sound.) MARY: Now? (John nods and tilts the drive round to look at the letters on it.) MARY: Seriously? Months of silence and we’re gonna do this ... (she nods towards the drive) ... now? (John lowers the drive to his side, slowly rolling it round in his fingers.) 221B IN THE PAST. Sitting on the dining chair in front of Sherlock and John, Mary puts what looks like the same pen drive onto the table at the side of John’s chair, then withdraws her hand. Sherlock, his face in a grimace as if he is in pain, zooms in on the drive and the letters written on the side of it, although they appear much darker than they will be in the future. SHERLOCK: ‘A.G.R.A.’ What’s that? (Mary looks from him to John and clears her throat.) MARY: Er ... my initials. (John grimaces and looks away. Sherlock looks down, then glances towards him.) MARY: Everything about who I was is on there. (Directly to John) If you love me, don’t read it in front of me. JOHN (lifting the hand nearest to the table in a shrug): Why? MARY (apparently trying to hold back tears): Because you won’t love me when you’ve finished ... (John holds her gaze.) MARY: ... and I don’t want to see that happen. (She looks down. With a loud sigh John snatches the drive from the table, looks briefly across to Sherlock and then shoves the drive into his left trouser pocket. Sniffing, he pulls himself into a higher sitting position on his chair. Mary looks across to Sherlock.) MARY: How much d’you know already? SHERLOCK (still speaking more quietly than we’re used to): By your skill set, you are – or were – an intelligence agent. Your accent is currently English but I suspect you are not. You’re on the run from something; you’ve used your skills to disappear; ... (John shakes his head as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing.) SHERLOCK: ... Magnussen knows your secret, which is why you were going to kll him; and I assume you befriended Janine ... (he grimaces, shifting uncomfortably on his chair) ... in order to get close to him. MARY: Oh – you can talk! (He smiles at her.) JOHN: Ohhh. Look at you two. (Not raising his hands from the arms of his chair, he points his index fingers at each of them.) JOHN: You should have got married. (Mary turns to look at him, and Sherlock blinks a couple of times.) MARY: The stuff Magnussen has on me, I would go to prison for the rest of my life. JOHN: So you were just gonna kll him. MARY: People like Magnussen should be klled. That’s why there are people like me. JOHN (lifting his left hand and gently punching the arm of the chair): Perfect(!) So that’s what you were? An assassin? (He looks towards Sherlock.) JOHN: How could I not see that? (He turns back towards Mary.) MARY: You did see that. (John’s humourless and slightly mrder smile is back on his face.) MARY (pausing for a moment): ... and you married me. (She pauses again, then tilts her head towards Sherlock.) MARY: Because he’s right. (Sherlock looks down a little, unusually not looking pleased about being correct.) MARY (softly, to John): It’s what you like. (John looks back at her stony-faced. She holds his gaze for a moment, then lowers her eyes.) SHERLOCK: So ... Mary ... (He grimaces again.) SHERLOCK: ... any documents that Magnussen has concerning yourself, you want ... (he grimaces yet again, his voice tight as if with physical pain) ... extracted and returned. MARY: Why would you help me? SHERLOCK: Because ... you saved my life. JOHN: Sor-sorry, what? SHERLOCK (looking at Mary): When I happened on you and Magnussen ... (He takes a couple of noisy, strained breaths, bracing his hands on the arms of his chair.) SHERLOCK: ... you had a problem. (The camera pulls back across the floor of the living room towards the door.) SHERLOCK (offscreen): More specifically, you had a witness. (Near the door, Sherlock’s familiar shadow drifts across the floor ... ... but it’s not actually in 221B. In the past, Sherlock looks carefully through the gap in the door to Magnusson’s penthouse living room and sees Magnussen kneeling on the floor with his head lowered and his hands raised while the black-clad assassin points a pstol at him.) MAGNUSSEN (voiceover): What do you do now? (The scene fast-forwards to Mary standing facing Sherlock, pointing her pstol at him while, behind her, Magnussen is reaching to his left where his phone is lying on the floor.) MAGNUSSEN (voiceover): kll both of us? (Mary pulls the trigger and in slow-motion the bllet flies out of the end of the gn.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): The solution, of course, was simple. kll us both and leave. (In this version of events, Mary wasn’t aiming at Sherlock’s chest and the bllet goes straight into the centre of his forehead. His eyes close and his mouth flies open and he starts to fall backwards. Before he even reaches the floor, Mary rapidly turns towards Magnussen, who is still straightening up at the sound of the sht. She sh*t him in the head. In slow-motion, both he and Sherlock fall to the floor.) SHERLOCK (in 221B in the present): However, sentiment got the better of you. (In the past, in Magnusson’s flat, the preceding scene goes into reverse and Magnussen lifts off the floor and back onto his knees, the bllet goes back into the gn and Mary reverse-turns towards Sherlock, who is still on his feet.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): One precisely-calculated sht to incapacitate me ... (Mary fires at him and Sherlock – this time sht in the chest – starts to fall backwards.) SHERLOCK (voiceover): ... in the hope that it would bide you more time to negotiate my silence. [Transcriber’s note: Sherlock does say ‘bide’, though I suspect that Benedict ought to have said ‘buy’.] (Before Sherlock hits the floor, Mary is already turning towards Magnussen.) SHERLOCK (in 221B in the present): Of course, you couldn’t sht Magnussen. (He looks towards John.) On the night that both of us broke into the building, your own husband would become a suspect, so ... (In the past, Mary viciously lashes the end of her pstol across Magnusson’s face. His glasses fly off his face and in ultra-slow motion he starts to fall.) SHERLOCK (offscreen for the first part of the sentence, now taking a painful breath every few words): ... you calculated ... that Magnussen ... would use the fact of your involvement rather than sharing the information with the police ... as is his M.O. (In the past, Mary walks in slow motion towards the open door of Magnusson’s flat.) SHERLOCK (in 221B): ... and then you left the way you came. (Mary’s gaze is lowered but now she raises it to him. John is looking towards him with a grim expression on his face, then turns his eyes towards his wife.) SHERLOCK (to Mary): Have I missed anything? JOHN: How did she save your life? SHERLOCK: She phoned the ambulance. JOHN: I phoned the ambulance. SHERLOCK: She phoned first. (In the past, Mary viciously lashes the end of her pstol across Magnusson’s face and then immediately bends to pick up his phone from the floor. Even as she straightens up we hear three beeps as she types on it, not even looking at it. The number comes up on our screen in red: 999 EMERGENCY OPERATOR (over phone): Emergency. Which service do you require? Approaching sirens can be heard. SHERLOCK (in 221B in the present, looking at John): You didn’t find me for another five minutes. Left to you, I would have died. The average arrival time for a London ambulance is ... (He lifts his left hand and looks at his watch as the clatter of feet can be heard on the stairs. Two paramedics run into the room.) PARAMEDIC: Did somebody call an ambulance? (John stands up, looking at them in confusion.) SHERLOCK: ... eight minutes. (Breathing heavily and with his left hand still raised, he looks towards the paramedics.) SHERLOCK: Did you bring any morphine? I asked on the phone. PARAMEDIC (looking puzzled): We were told there was a shting. SHERLOCK: There was, last week ... (He is holding his left wrist with his right hand, his fingers on his pulse point. He takes a sharp breath.) SHERLOCK: ... but I believe I’m bleeding internally and my pulse is very erratic. (He puts his hands on the arms of the chair and starts to push himself upwards.) SHERLOCK: You may need to re-start my heart on the way. (His voice jolts on the word ‘heart’ and his knees buckle. John and Mary hurry forward and each of them takes hold of an upper arm to support him. The paramedics run towards them.) JOHN: Come on, Sherlock. Come on, Sherlock. (Sherlock groans and grabs at him, clinging to his shoulder. Mary steps back out of the way of the paramedics.) SHERLOCK: John? (The paramedics put their bags down on the floor near him and take hold of him, supporting his weight, but he ignores them and stares intensely at his friend.) SHERLOCK: John – Magnussen is all that matters now. You can trust Mary. She saved my life. JOHN (quietly): She sht you. (Sherlock pulls a face, half-nodding his agreement.) SHERLOCK: Er, mixed messages, I grant you. (He grimaces, crying out in pain, and starts to fall. John and the paramedics start to lower him to the floor.) JOHN: Sherlock? Sherlock. (To the paramedics) All right, take him. (Sherlock cries out again. John releases him, watching the paramedics.) JOHN: Got him? (They lay Sherlock down as he groans and whimpers. John straightens and looks down in concern as one of the paramedics gets out an oxygen mask. As they continue working, John looks across to Mary, breathing heavily and with his teeth slightly bared.) THE PRESENT in the Holmes’ sitting room. MARY: So, have you read it? (John looks down at the pen drive, repeatedly turning it around in his fingers, the key ring attachment rattling noisily, then he clasps his fist around it and looks at her while gesturing to the floor in front of him.) JOHN: W-would you come here a moment? MARY (shaking her head): No. Tell me. Have you? JOHN (in an exasperated voice): Just ... (He pauses and seems to rein in his temper.) JOHN (more calmly): ... come here. (She grimaces unhappily, then unwraps the blanket from around her stomach and legs and starts to stand up, holding one hand to her abdomen. She is now very visibly pregnant. John steps towards her to help her up.) MARY: No, I’m fine. (Wincing, she gets to her feet as John steps back again. She walks across the room and John turns to one side so that he is side-on to the fireplace. Mary stops in front of him and lowers her eyes. When John speaks, his voice is little more than a whisper and his throat is tight.) JOHN: I’ve thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. (He draws in a long breath through his nose as she raises her eyes to him.) JOHN: These are prepared words, Mary. (He lowers his head for a moment, grimacing slightly and pulling in another slightly shaky breath before glancing up at her.) JOHN: I’ve chosen these words with care. MARY: Okay. (John clears his throat, and he can be heard rolling the pen drive round in his fingers again. Finally he looks up to meet her eyes.) JOHN (still speaking quietly): The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future ... are my privilege. (Mary’s face starts to crumple a little and tears begin to form in her eyes.) JOHN: It’s all I have to say. It’s all I need to know. (He looks down at the pen drive while Mary gazes at him tearfully. After a few moments he glances up at her again, then turns to the fireplace and drops the pen drive onto the burning logs. Mary quietly starts to cry as she looks at the drive on top of the fre. John clears his throat again as he turns back to her.) JOHN (quietly): No, I didn’t read it. (She looks at him, the first tears starting to roll down her face.) MARY (tearfully): You don’t even know my name. JOHN: Is ‘Mary Watson’ good enough for you? MARY (sobbing out the word): Yes! (She wipes her fingers under her nose.) Oh my God, yes. JOHN: Then it’s good enough for me, too. (He gives her a small smile.) MARY: Oh! (They step together and hug each other tightly. She cries. He speaks softly in her ear, his throat still tight.) JOHN: All this does not mean that I’m not still basically pissed off with you. MARY (tearfully): I know, I know. JOHN: I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then. MARY: I know, I know, I know. (She sniffs.) (They pull back far enough to be able to look into each other’s eyes.) JOHN (softly): You can mow the sodding lawn from now on. MARY: I do mow the lawn. JOHN: No, I do it loads. MARY: You really don’t. JOHN: I choose the baby’s name. MARY: Not a chance. JOHN: Okay. (They tightly hug again.) Outside the cottage, Mycroft and Sherlock are idly wandering along the path in the front garden towards the gate. Each of them is holding a lit cigarette. MYCROFT: I’m glad you’ve given up on the Magnussen business. SHERLOCK: Are you? MYCROFT (stopping): I’m still curious, though. He’s hardly your usual kind of puzzle. Why do you ... hate him? SHERLOCK (turning back to face him): Because he attcks people who are different and preys on their secrets. Why don’t you? MYCROFT: He never causes too much damage to anyone important. He’s far too intelligent for that. He’s a business-man, that’s all, and occasionally useful to us. A necessary evil – not a dragon for you to slay. (He takes a drag on his cigarette while Sherlock smiles and walks back to his side.) SHERLOCK: A dragon slayer. Is that what you think of me? (He turns as he pulls on his own cigarette. They stand side by side with their backs to the cottage.) MYCROFT (smiling): No. (He looks at his brother.) It’s what you think of yourself. (The cottage door opens behind them and Mrs Holmes comes out onto the step.) MRS HOLMES (crossly): Are you two smoking? (The boys rapidly spin round to face her, frantically holding their cigarettes behind their backs as they look guiltily at her.) MYCROFT: No! SHERLOCK (almost simultaneously): It was Mycroft. (She gives them a suspicious look, then goes back inside and shuts the door. Sherlock – looking every inch the naughty schoolboy who thinks he has got away with being bad and is feeling very smug about it – blows out a long plume of smoke in the direction of the door. Mycroft wanders a few paces towards the door, then slowly turns back again as he speaks.) MYCROFT: I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline. SHERLOCK: I decline your kind offer. MYCROFT: I shall pass on your regrets. SHERLOCK: What was it? MYCROFT: MI6 – they want to place you back into Eastern Europe. An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months. (Sherlock, who had started to raise his cigarette to his lips, lowers it again and looks a little surprised.) SHERLOCK: Then why don’t you want me to take it? MYCROFT (turning to look at him): It’s tempting ... but on balance you have more utility closer to home. SHERLOCK: Utility(!) How do I have utility? (He takes a drag on his cigarette. Mycroft shrugs slightly.) MYCROFT: “Here be dragons.” (He takes a pull on his own cigarette, then holds it up to look at, frowning. He coughs.) MYCROFT: This isn’t agreeing with me. I’m going in. (He drops the cigarette on the path and treads it out, then turns and walks up the path.) SHERLOCK: You need low tar. You still smoke like a beginner. (Mycroft slows down and stops before he reaches the door. He pauses for a moment before speaking.) MYCROFT (without turning round): Also, your loss would break my heart. (Sherlock had just started to take a drag on his cigarette and now he chokes and coughs before turning to look at his brother, who still hasn’t turned around.) SHERLOCK: What the hell am I supposed to say to that?! MYCROFT (turning round and holding out his arms a little): “Merry Christmas”? SHERLOCK: You hate Christmas. MYCROFT (pretending to look puzzled): Yes. (He smiles a little.) Perhaps there was something in the punch. SHERLOCK: Clearly. Go and have some more. (Mycroft turns and goes up the steps, opening the door. Sherlock turns away.) In the sitting room, John and Mary are still locked in a tight hug, swaying a little from side to side. MARY: So you realise that, er, Sherlock got us out here to see his mum and dad for a reason? JOHN (smiling): His lovely mum and dad. A fine example of married life. I get that. (Over his shoulder, Mary holds the fingers of one hand to her forehead, frowning and looking a little unwell.) JOHN (unaware of this): That is the thing with Sherlock – it’s always the unexpected. (Mary starts to slump in his grasp.) JOHN: Oi. (He frowns round to the side of her head.) Oi. (She slumps more, moaning softly as her arms drop from around him. He takes her weight and moves her back so he can see her face. Her eyes are closed.) JOHN: Mary? Jesus Christ. Mary? (He hauls her back towards a nearby armchair.) JOHN: Sit down. (He lowers her into the armchair. She is now unconscious. He takes hold of her face.) JOHN: Mary, can you hear me? (The door opens and Sherlock briskly walks in a couple of paces.) SHERLOCK: Don’t drink Mary’s tea. (He turns and leaves again, grabbing his scarf from the peg as he goes. John stares towards the door, then looks towards his wife again.) SHERLOCK (loudly): Oh, or the punch. (In another sitting room next door, a glass is lying overturned on a table and Mr Holmes is lying on his back on the sofa with his eyes closed. Sherlock holds his hand over his father’s nose to check that he’s breathing normally, then continues onwards. John follows him into the room as Sherlock heads into the kitchen, where Mrs Holmes is asleep in the armchair where Sherlock had previously sat, and Mycroft is slumped on a dining chair with his head on the kitchen table and his eyes closed. The kitchen clock above the door shows that about seven minutes have passed since the earlier scene in the kitchen, so clearly Sherlock’s countdown was absolutely accurate.) JOHN: Sherlock? (Sherlock holds the back of his hand to his mother’s nose to check her breathing, then walks past Bill, who is standing nearby, and goes over to the kitchen table.) JOHN (coming in): Did you just drug my pregnant wife? SHERLOCK (checking Mycroft’s breathing): Don’t worry. Wiggins is an excellent chemist. BILL: I calculated your wife’s dose meself. Won’t affect the little one. I’ll keep an eye on ’er. SHERLOCK (putting his scarf on): He’ll monitor their recovery. It’s more or less his day job. JOHN (staring at him): What the hell have you done? (Sherlock looks down reflectively and takes a moment to reply.) SHERLOCK: ... A deal with the devil. FLASHBACK. A blurry figure walks in through a door, closes it and then walks forward. At the far end of the room Sherlock is sitting at a small table which has a red tablecloth. He is wearing a hospital gown and has his morphine drip on a stand beside him. On the table in front of him is a plate with a part-finished meal on it. Some penne pasta and what looks like a cherry tomato remain. There is also a glass of water on the table. Sherlock chews and swallows his latest mouthful of food, not looking up as the other person walks closer. We now see that it is Magnussen. MAGNUSSEN: Shouldn’t you be in hospital? SHERLOCK (still not looking up): I am in hospital. This is the canteen. (We get a better view of where they are, and it’s definitely not the hospital canteen. Sherlock has apparently busted out of hospital again, not bothering or unable to get his clothes for the escape, and the two men are in a small restaurant or taverna. There are no other customers and the only member of staff is at the far end by the door. Magnussen looks round the not-canteen.) MAGNUSSEN: Is it? SHERLOCK: In my opinion, yes. (He gestures with his fork to the chair on the other side of the table.) SHERLOCK: Have a seat. MAGNUSSEN: Thank you. (Sherlock lays his fork down on the plate and watches as he sits down opposite him.) SHERLOCK: I’ve been thinking about you. MAGNUSSEN: I’ve been thinking about you. SHERLOCK: Really? (Looking a little weak, he reaches across to the morphine control and pushes the button three times.) SHERLOCK (turning back to face Magnussen): I want to see Appledore, where you keep all the secrets, all the files, everything you’ve got on everyone. I want you to invite me. (They lock eyes.) MAGNUSSEN: What makes you think I’d be so careless? SHERLOCK (softly, intensely): Oh, I think you’re a lot more ‘careless’ than you let on. MAGNUSSEN (softly, leaning forward): Am I? (Sherlock has his elbows on the table with his hands clasped in front of him. He too leans forward, and smiles as he looks into Magnusson’s eyes.) SHERLOCK: It’s the dad-eye stare that gives it away. (Magnussen looks back at him unblinking.) SHERLOCK (unclasping his hands and slowly lifting them towards the other man): Except it’s not dad-eyed, is it? (He continues to reach towards Magnusson’s face, moving slowly so that the man knows what he’s doing. Sherlock winces and sucks in a sharp breath as he extends his arms and slowly takes hold of Magnusson’s glasses and takes them off. Magnusson’s eyes flicker towards the glasses as they leave his face but then he returns his gaze to Sherlock.) SHERLOCK: You’re reading. (Smiling slightly, he draws the glasses towards himself and looks down at them.) SHERLOCK: Portable Appledore. (He snorts slightly, then looks across to Magnussen.) How does it work? (Magnussen looks down at the glasses.) SHERLOCK: Built-in flash drive? (He lifts the glasses towards his own face.) 4G wireless? (He puts them on and raises his head as he looks through the lenses. After a moment he frowns, turning his head a little and then lowering it before he slowly takes the glasses off again, blinking as if confused. He looks down at them, turning them in his hands.) SHERLOCK: They’re just ordinary spectacles. MAGNUSSEN: Yes – they are. (Sherlock grimaces slightly, still looking down at the glasses. Magnussen looks at him. His vision is slightly blurred without his glasses on, but text appears in front of his eyes in red: PRESSURE POINT: > MORPHINE (ADD TO FILE) He lowers his head and smiles, then reaches across with one hand and flicks through the pasta on the plate with his fingers, unearthing a black olive. Sherlock continues to stare down at the glasses.) MAGNUSSEN: You underestimate me, Mr Holmes. (Sherlock sinks back in his seat, still looking at the glasses as if in disbelief. Magnussen picks up the olive and puts it in his mouth, then licks his thumb and forefinger before reaching across to the glass of water and dabbling the licked digits in it. With his other hand he reaches across the table and takes his glasses from Sherlock, then shakes the water off his wet fingers over the table and puts his glasses back on. Sherlock slowly lowers his own hands to the table, looking down as if still in shock.) SHERLOCK (quietly): Impress me, then. Show me Appledore. MAGNUSSEN (chewing on the olive): Everything’s available for a price. (Sherlock lifts his eyes to his.) MAGNUSSEN: Are you making me an offer? SHERLOCK: A Christmas present. MAGNUSSEN: And what are you giving me for Christmas, Mr Holmes? SHERLOCK: My brother. (He smiles, and the scene fades to black.) [Your transcriber pouts, annoyed that we didn’t see Sherlock get up and leave the restaurant, because we all know how those hospital gowns gape at the back.] THE PRESENT. In the Holmes’ kitchen, Sherlock is still looking down reflectively. John turns away from him. JOHN (softly): Oh, Jesus. (He walks away, while Sherlock looks down at his unconscious brother. John goes into the next door sitting room and looks down at Sherlock’s father on the sofa, then stops and grimaces with his fists clenched.) JOHN: Sherlock ... (In the kitchen, Sherlock is putting his gloves on.) JOHN (from the sitting room): ... please tell me you haven’t just gone out of your mind. (Sherlock bends down and takes the silver-grey laptop from the table, pulling it from under where Mycroft has one hand resting on it.) SHERLOCK: I’d rather keep you guessing. (John turns towards the second sitting room where Mary is, but just then the sound of an approaching helicopter can be heard. In the kitchen, Sherlock looks upwards.) SHERLOCK: Ah. (He smiles.) There’s our lift. (John walks across the room and looks through a window.) Very shortly afterwards, as the helicopter flies low past the front of the cottage, John walks down the path with Sherlock behind him holding the laptop under his left arm and a coat in his right hand. John goes through the gate as the helicopter lands in a field in front of the cottage. SHERLOCK (walking to his side): Coming? JOHN: Where? SHERLOCK: D’you want your wife to be safe? JOHN: Yeah, of course I do. (They both turn and look at the helicopter.) SHERLOCK: Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. (Quick-fre, speaking on one single breath for the next two sentences) One false move and we’ll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we’ve ever encountered, and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us. JOHN (indignantly): But it’s Christmas. (Sherlock smiles.) SHERLOCK: I feel the same. (He turns and sees John’s expression. His smile fades.) SHERLOCK: Oh, you mean it’s actually Christmas. Did you bring your gn as I suggested? JOHN: Why would I bring my gn to your parents’ house for Christmas dinner?! SHERLOCK (holding out the coat in his right hand): Is it in your coat? JOHN (tetchily, taking it from him): Yes. SHERLOCK: Off we go, then. (They start to walk towards the helicopter.) JOHN: Where are we going? SHERLOCK: Appledore. APPLEDORE. In a large sitting room where one entire long wall is made of glass and looks out to the grounds, Magnussen lowers his whiskey glass at the sound of an approaching helicopter. The helicopter – which has the “CAM” logo on its side – flies down towards the house while Sherlock and John look down at it. They land on the grass not far from the house while Magnussen continues to sit on a long curved white leather sofa, not looking round to watch their arrival. A security man walks towards the helicopter while another one stands on the patio outside the house. The boys get out and walk towards the house and the helicopter takes off again and flies away. Shortly afterwards a security man leads the boys through an inside area which is lined with large green exotic plants, while another man follows behind. Magnussen is sitting on the sofa one level above them. He takes a drink from his glass as his men escort Sherlock and John into the room. Sherlock stops a couple of paces in front of the sofa while John stands a little way behind and to one side of him. Magnussen nods to his men and they turn and leave. MAGNUSSEN (lifting his glass): I would offer you a drink but it’s very rare and expensive. (He drinks. Sherlock turns and sits down on the sofa a couple of feet to Magnussen’s right. He sighs with a contented sound and slaps his hands down on the white leather either side of him, putting the laptop down between himself and the other man, then crosses his legs and clasps his hands in his lap. He looks across to the other side of the room.) SHERLOCK (calmly): Oh. It was you. (Projected onto a glass wall opposite them, footage is playing of Sherlock’s rescue of John from the bonfire. The footage repeats on a continuous loop.) MAGNUSSEN: Yes, of course. (John glances over his shoulder and turns back, then does a double-take.) MAGNUSSEN: Very hard to find a pressure point on you, Mr Holmes. SHERLOCK: Mm. (John turns and walks towards the wall.) MAGNUSSEN: The drugs thing I never believed for a moment. (John continues walking closer to the wall, staring at the footage with his mouth open.) MAGNUSSEN: Anyway, you wouldn’t care if it was exposed, would you? (Sherlock tilts his head, quirks his mouth and shrugs.) MAGNUSSEN (looking at the screen): But look how you care about John Watson. (In slow motion on the footage, Sherlock drags John out from under the bonfire again.) MAGNUSSEN: Your damsel in distress. (John turns around.) JOHN: You ... (he walks closer to Magnussen, his voice tight and furious) ... put me in a fre ... for leverage? MAGNUSSEN: Oh, I’d never let you burn, Doctor Watson. (He sits up and puts his glass onto the clear glass table in front of him, then looks up at John again.) I had people standing by. (Sherlock looks up thoughtfully at Magnussen as he stands.) MAGNUSSEN: I’m not a mrder ... unlike your wife. (John stares up at him grimly. He holds his gaze for a while, then glances across to Sherlock. Magnussen walks over towards the wall.) MAGNUSSEN: Let me explain how leverage works, Doctor Watson. (Reaching the wall, he puts one finger on it at the side of the projected footage. There’s a beep and as Magnussen slides his finger across the glass, the footage slides with it and disappears off to the side.) MAGNUSSEN (turning back to the others): For those who understand these things, Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful man in the country. Well ... apart from me. (John tilts his head at him questioningly. The side of Sherlock’s mouth lifts in a small smile.) MAGNUSSEN: Mycroft’s pressure point is his junkie detective brother, Sherlock. (He walks back across the room to the sofa.) MAGNUSSEN: And Sherlock’s pressure point is his best friend, John Watson. John Watson’s pressure point is his wife. I own John Watson’s wife ... (he looks round to Sherlock) ... I own Mycroft. (He sits down.) He’s what I’m getting for Christmas. (Even though the laptop is almost within his reach, he holds out his hand towards Sherlock. Without looking round, Sherlock shoves it across the sofa towards him.) SHERLOCK: It’s an exchange, not a gift. (He stands up, while Magnussen raises his eyebrows at him. Sherlock walks a few paces forward, then turns round again. Magnussen picks up the laptop.) MAGNUSSEN: Forgive me, but ... (he holds the laptop to his chest and runs his fingers over the back) ... I already seem to have it. SHERLOCK: It’s password protected. (Magnussen continues to run his fingers over the machine.) SHERLOCK: In return for the password, you will give me any material in your possession pertaining to the woman I know as Mary Watson. MAGNUSSEN: Oh, she’s bad, that one. So many dad people. You should see what I’ve seen. JOHN: I don’t need to see it. MAGNUSSEN: You might enjoy it, though. (John swallows but holds his gaze.) MAGNUSSEN: I enjoy it. (John nods as if not surprised.) SHERLOCK (nonchalantly): Then why don’t you show us? MAGNUSSEN: Show you Appledore? (He puts the laptop onto the sofa beside him, then looks back at Sherlock.) MAGNUSSEN: The secret vaults? Is that what you want? SHERLOCK (intensely): I want everything you’ve got on Mary. (Magnussen lets out a short breathy laugh, shaking his head a little, then he lowers his eyes, scratches the back of his head and chuckles for a few seconds. John’s mouth twists and he sh*t a brief glance towards Sherlock. Eventually Magnussen stops sniggering and looks down to the laptop, patting it and grimacing a little.) MAGNUSSEN: You know, I honestly expected something good. SHERLOCK: Oh, I think you’ll find the contents of that laptop ... MAGNUSSEN: ... include a GPS locator. By now, your brother will have noticed the theft, and security services will be converging on this house. Having arrived ... (he looks down at the laptop) ... they’ll find top secret information in my hands ... (he reaches forward and picks up his glass from the table) ... and have every justification to search my vaults. They will discover further information of this kind and I’ll be imprisoned. You will be exonerated, and restored to your smelly little apartment to solve crimes with Mr and Mrs Psychopath. (He looks at John, who holds his gaze, though his cheeks move as if he is gritting his teeth a little. Only once Magnussen starts talking again does he cast a quick glance at Sherlock.) MAGNUSSEN (lifting his glass closer to his mouth): Mycroft has been looking for this opportunity for a long time. (He looks into the glass and moves it even closer.) He’ll be a very, very proud big brother. (He drinks, emptying the glass.) SHERLOCK: The fact that you know it’s going to happen isn’t going to stop it. (Offscreen, Magnussen puts his glass down on the table.) MAGNUSSEN: Then why am I smiling? (He looks up at Sherlock and smiles a little. Sherlock looks at him thoughtfully.) MAGNUSSEN: Ask me. JOHN (taking one step towards him): Why are you smiling? MAGNUSSEN (looking down a little): Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves ... (His eyes are back on Sherlock again.) MAGNUSSEN: ... and everything he holds dear. (He stands up slowly.) MAGNUSSEN: Let me show you the Appledore vaults. (He leads the others across the room and through the open glass doors of the study we have seen before. He walks across to the wooden doors at the side of the room and then turns back to the others, putting a hand on the doors.) MAGNUSSEN: The entrance to my vaults. This is where I keep you all. (He turns and takes hold of the door handles, then pulls the doors open. We are looking from inside the doors towards Magnussen and the other two as they look inside. Magnussen steps slowly through the doors, looking all around at what we can’t yet see, while Sherlock and John look uncertainly at what they can see. After a moment Magnussen slowly begins to turn around and the perspective shifts to a view from behind the boys. Inside the doors is nothing more than a small room, painted white and brightly lit. It is no more than few feet deep and the ceiling is about eight feet high. There are no shelves, no library stacks, no filing cabinets, no grotesque dolls, stuffed animals or sculptures. The only thing in the room is a metal and leather low-backed executive chair. As Magnussen slowly continues to turns around, Sherlock’s eyes quickly skim around the whiteness, then his eyes go back to Magnussen.) JOHN: Okay – so where are the vaults, then? MAGNUSSEN (looking at him): Vaults? What vaults? There are no vaults beneath this building. (He sits down on the chair, then gestures around the room.) MAGNUSSEN: They’re all in here. (John frowns and blinks. Sherlock’s eyes are wide as if he is beginning to realise the truth. Magnussen leans forward and slowly raises the fingers of his right hand to touch his temple.) MAGNUSSEN: The Appledore vaults are my Mind Palace. You know about Mind Palaces, don’t you, Sherlock? (Sherlock swallows and then opens his mouth slightly.) MAGNUSSEN: How to store information so you never forget it – by picturing it. I just sit here, I close my eyes ... (he does so, slowly lowering his head) ... and down I go to my vaults. (Inside his head, he opens his eyes and then walks down the wooden spiral staircase.) MAGNUSSEN (sitting with his eyes closed in the white room): I can go anywhere inside my vaults ... (In his head, he walks through the library stacks, his fingers flickering towards the shelves.) MAGNUSSEN: ... my memories. (In his head, he reaches the dark, creepy end of the Mind Palace. In the white room, he turns his head from side to side a little with his eyes still closed. In his Mind Palace he walks past the creepy displayed objects. In the white room he lifts his right hand and reaches forward.) MAGNUSSEN: I’ll look at the files on Mrs Watson. (In his Mind Palace, he reaches towards a filing cabinet with his right hand. He can hear himself pull one of the drawers open. Outside the white room, Sherlock closes his eyes and shakes his head a little, his lips pulled back from his teeth. John stares at Magnussen as he raises both hands and flickers his fingers in front of him as if he is working his way through the files inside the imaginary drawer. Magnussen can hear the files moving under his fingers. John clears his throat and looks down with a humourless smile as he seems to start to understand how Magnussen’s mind works. Still flicking through the files in the drawer, Magnussen hums idly to himself while, in his Mind Palace, he works his way along the files.) MAGNUSSEN: Mmm, ah. (In the white room he lifts his right hand as if lifting a folder out of the drawer.) This is one of my favourites. (He sits back in the chair while, in his head, he looks at the file with a picture of Mary paper-clipped to the inside.) Oh, it’s so exciting. (Lowering his head in the white room with his eyes still closed, he moves his hands as if he is turning the pages inside the file. Sherlock lowers his head with a shocked look on his face as Magnussen chuckles quietly. In his Mind Palace Magnussen is looking at a sheet of paper to which is stuck a photograph of Mary looking grimly into the camera, and another photograph which is too blurry to see clearly.) MAGNUSSEN: All those wet jobs for the CIA. Ooh! (In the white room, he points to an imaginary page in the file.) MAGNUSSEN: She’s gone a bit ... freelance now. Bad girl. (He turns the imaginary page and sniggers. Inside his Mind Palace he sniggers again, letting out an amused, “Ohh!” In the white room he holds up a finger, then chuckles even more, then turns another imaginary page, still smiling.) MAGNUSSEN: Ah, she is so wicked. (In his Mind Palace he turns back to the front page of the file. In the white room he lifts his right hand as if putting the closed file back into the cabinet.) MAGNUSSEN: I can really see why you like her. (With both hands, he pushes the imaginary drawer closed again. In his Mind Palace he does likewise with the ‘real’ drawer. In the white room he lifts both hands and turns them over, then opens his eyes and looks at Sherlock.) MAGNUSSEN: You see? (John clears his throat.) JOHN: So there are no documents. You don’t actually have anything here. MAGNUSSEN: Oh, sometimes I send out for something ... (he lifts his left hand and looks down at his watch) ... if I really need it ... (Sherlock looks away a little, closing his eyes briefly.) MAGNUSSEN: ... but mostly I just remember it all. JOHN (shaking his head): I don’t understand. MAGNUSSEN: You should have that on a T-shirt. JOHN: You just remember it all? MAGNUSSEN (looking at Sherlock): It’s all about knowledge. Everything is. Knowing is owning. JOHN: But if you just know it, then you don’t have proof. MAGNUSSEN: Proof? What would I need proof for? I’m in news, you moron. I don’t have to prove it – I just have to print it. (Sherlock’s gaze is lowered and his expression suggests that he is fully aware of how badly he has miscalculated.) MAGNUSSEN (standing up and buttoning his jacket): Speaking of news, you’ll both be heavily featured tomorrow – trying to sell state secrets to me. (He tuts disapprovingly, then looks at his watch again.) MAGNUSSEN: Let’s go outside. They’ll be here shortly. (He walks out of the room and heads towards the glass doors.) MAGNUSSEN: Can’t wait to see you arrested. (John watches him go, then steps closer to his friend.) JOHN (quietly): Sherlock, do we have a plan? (Sherlock is fixed in place, still looking down towards the floor of the white room, his gaze unfocused.) JOHN (sternly): Sherlock. (When Sherlock still doesn’t move, John turns and walks away. Sherlock shuts his eyes, screwing them closed with a look of despair. Magnussen walks across the sitting room to a glass door which leads out onto a patio. He goes outside and looks around. The sky is darkening, so apparently it is early evening. John follows him out onto the patio.) MAGNUSSEN: They’re taking their time, aren’t they? (John stops beside him, not looking at him.) JOHN: I still don’t understand. MAGNUSSEN (looking up into the sky): And there’s the back of the T-shirt. (Sherlock has finally left the study and is walking slowly towards the patio door.) JOHN (turning his head to look at Magnussen): You just know things. How does that work? (Magnussen turns to face him as Sherlock walks out onto the patio and stops just outside the door.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): I just love your little soldier face. I’d like to punch it. (John stares back at him, his eyes wide.) MAGNUSSEN: Bring it over here a minute. (John glances over to Sherlock.) MAGNUSSEN: Come on. (Very reluctantly and not meeting his eyes, Sherlock gives John a short nod, his face full of pain at having to do this.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): For Mary. Bring me your face. (John looks back to Magnussen, who nods slightly. Clearing his throat, John slowly takes two steps closer to him. Magnussen turns a little to face him, then leans down to him.) MAGNUSSEN: Lean forward a bit and stick your face out. (John clears his throat again, adjusting his footing.) MAGNUSSEN (smirking at him): Please? (He leans closer, chuckling. John locks his gaze on him while he does as instructed.) MAGNUSSEN: Now, can I flick it? (John snorts in disbelief, lowering his head and shaking it before raising it again.) MAGNUSSEN: Can I flick your face? (Pursing his lips and looking at him again, John leans forward. Magnussen lifts his right hand with the back towards John, bends his middle finger under his thumb, holds his hand close to John’s left cheek and then releases the middle finger to flick sharply against his cheek. John blinks instinctively and tilts his head at the man, still holding his gaze. Magnussen flicks his cheek again, then chuckles.) MAGNUSSEN: I just love doing this. (He looks across to Sherlock, whose eyes are lowered, the pain still in his face.) MAGNUSSEN: I could do it all day. (He chuckles again, then turns back to John.) MAGNUSSEN: It works like this, John. I know who Mary hurt and klled. (He flicks his cheek again. Sherlock has now lifted his gaze and is looking at him, his expression grim.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): I know where to find people who hate her. (He flicks him again, then again. The soldier stares back at him, tolerating it only because he has no choice.) MAGNUSSEN: I know where they live; I know their phone numbers. (He flicks him twice more.) MAGNUSSEN: All in my Mind Palace – all of it. (Sherlock’s gaze towards him becomes more intense.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down – and I will ... (Sherlock’s lips are slightly lifted from his teeth.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): ... unless you let me flick your face. (He flicks him three times. Sherlock continues to glare at him with his teeth bared.) MAGNUSSEN (to John): This is what I do to people. This is what I do to whole countries ... (He flicks him again, then straightens up.) MAGNUSSEN: ... just because I know. (He bends back down to John.) MAGNUSSEN: Can I do your eye now? (John turns his head a little, looking away.) MAGNUSSEN: See if you can keep it open, hmm? (Almost before John turns back to him, he flicks John’s left eyebrow. John’s eyes instinctively flinch closed. Magnussen sniggers and flicks his eyebrow again.) MAGNUSSEN: Come on. For Mary. Keep it open. (He bends his finger under his thumb again.) JOHN: Sherlock? SHERLOCK (quietly, his voice apologetic): Let him. I’m sorry. (Magnussen looks round to him for a moment.) SHERLOCK: Just ... let him. (John grimaces slightly.) MAGNUSSEN (turning back to him): Come on. Eye open. (With a bemused look on his face, he flicks John’s eyebrow again, and again John’s eyes flinch closed for a moment before he glares back at the man as he sniggers and flicks him again. He laughs as John breathes harshly.) MAGNUSSEN (cheerfully): It’s difficult, isn’t it? (He straightens up.) Janine managed it once. (He looks towards Sherlock.) She makes the funniest noises. (The sound of an approaching helicopter can be heard. It soars over the roof and at the same time, armed police marksmen run towards the patio. The helicopter drops down to hover some yards away, its spotlight aimed towards the men on the patio. As they are buffeted by the wind from the rotors, Mycroft’s voice blares out over a speaker on the helicopter.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (over speaker): Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. (He is sitting in the helicopter wearing a headset and microphone.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (over speaker): Stand away from that man. (Sherlock looks away. Magnussen looks over towards him.) MAGNUSSEN: Here we go, Mr Holmes! SHERLOCK (loudly, over the noise of the hovering helicopter, as he steps forward and walks to John’s side): To clarify: Appledore’s vaults only exist in your mind, nowhere else, just there. MAGNUSSEN (looking towards the helicopter): They’re not real. They never have been. (Sherlock nods, looking down.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (over speaker): Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. Step away. (Magnussen walks forward a couple of steps, waving his hands calmly at the helicopter.) MAGNUSSEN (loudly): It’s fine! They’re harmless! (The armed police continue moving into position, aiming their rfles towards the patio.) POLICE OFFICER (over radio): Target is not armed. I repeat, target is not armed. JOHN (looking round to his friend): Sherlock, what do we do? (He turns to look at the helicopter again.) MAGNUSSEN (over his shoulder): Nothing! (He looks round at them.) There’s nothing to be done! Oh, I’m not a villain. I have no evil plan. I’m a business-man, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them! (As John continues to stare towards the helicopter, Sherlock turns his head and looks at his friend, and his gaze is penetrating and intense.) MAGNUSSEN: Sorry. No chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr Holmes. (Sherlock looks away from John, lowering his gaze but still with a determined look on it. Magnussen turns away from him.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (over speaker): Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man. Do it now. SHERLOCK (loudly, looking up): Oh, do your research. (He steps closer to John, reaches round behind him and into John’s coat pocket, then steps away again and walks forward towards Magnussen.) SHERLOCK: I’m not a hero ... (Magnussen turns to look at him.) SHERLOCK: ... I’m a high-functioning sociopath. (He widens his eyes and glares at the man.) SHERLOCK: Merry Christmas! (He raises John’s pstol, aims it at Magnussen’s head and fires. As John recoils and even before Magnussen hits the ground, Sherlock drops the gn to the patio and turns towards the helicopter, raising his hands.) POLICE OFFICER (over radio): Man down, man down. SHERLOCK (loudly): Get away from me, John! (He turns to look at him.) Stay well back! JOHN (desperately): Christ, Sherlock! (He raises his own hands.) MYCROFT (frantically, into his microphone): Stand fre! (The police marksmen run towards the patio, aiming their rfles at Sherlock as he faces them.) MYCROFT’s VOICE (over speaker): Do not fre on Sherlock Holmes! Do not fre! (The marksmen take up positions, aiming their laser sights towards Sherlock.) JOHN (his voice full of despair): Oh, Christ, Sherlock. (Keeping his hands raised, Sherlock looks round to him again.) SHERLOCK: Give my love to Mary. (John stares at him, his face full of anguish.) SHERLOCK: Tell her she’s safe now. (He takes one final look at his best friend and then slowly turns towards the marksmen and the helicopter and begins to sink slowly to his knees. John holds his own hands high, his eyes full of despair. Sherlock kneels on the patio, his hands raised and his face anguished. The beams from the laser sights travel over his face as he stares ahead of himself, knowing that he has done something that no one can save him from. In the helicopter, Mycroft takes off his headset and stares in equal despair towards his brother.) MYCROFT (softly, anguished): Oh, Sherlock. What have you done? (He can’t see the adult Sherlock on the patio. Instead, it’s as if his little eleven year old brother is standing there, his face full of terror as he stares upwards, his hands raised, his curly hair buffeted by the wind from the helicopter’s rotor blades, and tears pouring down his face. The young boy lowers his head, weeping.) [Your transcriber breaks off for a bloody good cry, having torn her heart to pieces typing that last section.] DAY TIME. Mycroft stands at the glass wall of a large meeting room. It may be the same room in which the parliamentary commission was held at the beginning of the episode. He has his back to the room and is looking outside. A suited man stands nearby to his right. MYCROFT: As my colleague is fond of remarking, this country sometimes needs a blunt instrument. Equally, it sometimes needs a dagger – a scalpel wielded with precision and without remorse. (He looks to his left.) MYCROFT: There will always come a time when we need Sherlock Holmes. (Several men sitting at tables in the room look back at him silently but the man standing near him speaks.) SIR EDWIN: If this is some expression of familial sentiment ... (Mycroft rolls his eyes, sighs and turns to him.) MYCROFT: Don’t be absurd. I am not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion. (He looks down for a moment, then turns to Sir Edwin again.) MYCROFT: You know what happened to the other one. (Sir Edwin looks away, grimacing slightly. Mycroft turns to look out the window again.) MYCROFT: In any event, there is no prison in which we could incarcerate Sherlock without causing a riot on a daily basis. The alternative, however ... (He looks left towards where Lady Smallwood is sitting at a table.) MYCROFT: ... would require your approval. LADY SMALLWOOD: Hardly merciful, Mr Holmes. MYCROFT: Regrettably, Lady Smallwood, my brother is a mrder. (He turns away and looks out of the window again.) AIRFIELD. DAY TIME. A black car drives along the runway towards where an executive jet is stationary on the tarmac. Standing near the nose of the plane, Sherlock, Mycroft and a security man watch the car pull up. Mary gets out of the rear door nearest the plane and John from the other. Smiling, Mary walks towards Sherlock, John following behind. SHERLOCK (to Mary): You will look after him for me, won’t you? MARY: Oh ... (she puts her hands on his shoulders and they kiss each other’s cheeks, then hug) ... don’t worry. I’ll keep him in trouble. (He smiles as she releases him and pulls back.) SHERLOCK: That’s my girl. (She turns and walks back to where John has stopped a few paces away, and takes his hand. John nods to Sherlock in greeting, and Sherlock turns to his brother.) SHERLOCK: Since this is likely to be the last conversation I’ll have with John Watson ... (John sighs painfully.) SHERLOCK: ... would you mind if we took a moment? (Mycroft looks a little startled, but then glances over to the security man and jerks his head towards the side of the plane. The security man, Mycroft and Mary walk along the side of the jet towards the wing and Sherlock turns to John, who smiles at him and nods.) JOHN: So, here we are. (Looking vaguely around the airfield and clearing his throat, he steps closer.) SHERLOCK: William Sherlock Scott Holmes. JOHN: Sorry? SHERLOCK: That’s the whole of it – if you’re looking for baby names. (John chuckles.) JOHN: No, we’ve had a scan. We’re pretty sure it’s a girl. SHERLOCK (softly): Oh. (He smiles.) Okay. (They both look awkwardly anywhere except at each other for several seconds.) JOHN (vaguely, turning and looking across the airfield): Yeah. (He finally turns towards Sherlock again.) Actually, I can’t think of a single thing to say. SHERLOCK (looking down): No, neither can I. (He lifts his head as John steps closer and speaks quietly.) JOHN: The game is over. SHERLOCK (firmly, meeting his eyes): The game is never over, John ... (his tone becomes quieter) ... but there may be some new players now. It’s okay. The East Wind takes us all in the end. JOHN: What’s that? SHERLOCK: It’s a story my brother told me when we were kids. The East Wind – this terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path. (He sniffs, looking into the distance.) SHERLOCK: It seeks out the unworthy ... (he meets John’s eyes) ... and plucks them from the Earth. That was generally me. JOHN: Nice(!) SHERLOCK: He was a rubbish big brother. (They both smile, then John looks down, clearing his throat.) JOHN: So what about you, then? (He lifts his head.) Where are you actually going now? SHERLOCK (sounding bored): Oh, some undercover work in Eastern Europe. JOHN: For how long? SHERLOCK (looking slightly above John’s head so as not to meet his eyes): Six months, my brother estimates. He’s never wrong. JOHN: And then what? (Sherlock meets his gaze for a moment, then looks down thoughtfully before raising his head and gazing off into the distance. He shrugs.) SHERLOCK: Who knows? (John nods and then turns away to look across the airfield again, breathing in deeply. Sherlock looks directly at him until he turns back, then looks down again.) SHERLOCK: John, there’s something ... I should say; I-I’ve meant to say always and then never have. Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now. (He hesitates for a long time, then draws in a deep breath and raises his eyes to John’s.) SHERLOCK: Sherlock is actually a girl’s name. (John turns away, giggling almost silently. Sherlock smiles at him. John turns back, still smiling.) JOHN: It’s not. SHERLOCK (shrugging): It was worth a try. JOHN: We’re not naming our daughter after you. SHERLOCK: I think it could work. (John chuckles, then meets his eyes. Sherlock holds his gaze for a second, then lowers his eyes. After a moment he takes off his right glove and holds out his hand.) SHERLOCK: To the very best of times, John. (For a long moment John hesitates, then he takes his hand and shakes it. They stand there for a couple of seconds, then Sherlock gives John’s hand one more small pump before releasing it and turning away, putting his glove back on as he walks away. John watches him walk along the side of the plane to the steps and get on board.) Shortly afterward the plane taxies along the runway. Sherlock sits inside looking out of one of the right-hand windows. Mary and John stand by the car, holding hands and watching from the left-hand side of the plane as it lifts into the sky. Sherlock continues to gaze out of the window, and the plane flies off into the distance. The scene fades to black and the familiar drum bat of the beginning of the show’s theme tune begins ... ... but before the actual music can start, the screen goes to static. After a moment it resolves into a football match on the SPORTS 1 channel. The score shows SFC 0 – 0 INTER. [Click here for further information about this match.] Men’s voices can be heard shouting encouragingly as the commentary plays over the footage. COMMENTATOR: Smith brings it inside. This looks good. (The screen fritzes briefly, then the perspective pulls back a little and we see that this is a television on the wall inside a pub.) COMMENTATOR (on the TV): Cassandra comes in for a sht ... (On the TV, a player volleys the ball towards the goal but it flies over the top. In the pub, the customers groan.) COMMENTATOR (on the TV): Oh, he missed it! (One of the customers is Greg Lestrade, who is standing at the bar. He grimaces. The TV can be heard fritzing again and one of the male customers calls out, presumably to the landlord.) CUSTOMER: Oi! What’s up with the telly? There’s something wrong with the telly, mate! (The TV can be heard fritzing even more.) ANOTHER CUSTOMER: Give it a whack, then! (Greg looks up at the screen, which has gone to static, but it slowly begins to clear and a shape can just about be seen through all the distortion. It seems to be a head and shoulders sht of someone facing to the right with their head turned away from the camera. Greg stares up at the TV and, although we can no longer see the screen, presumably the picture is becoming clearer. Greg’s face fills with shock.) CUSTOMER: Who’s that? (Over the TV a voice begins to speak. It is speaking through a device which distorts the voice.) VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? (It shifts to a very deep tone.) VOICE: Did you miss me? In 221B, Mrs Hudson is vacuuming the living room. She has the TV switched on and the voice comes over the speaker. VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? Did you miss me? (She looks at the screen – which we can’t see – and jumps in shock, then starts to scream.) At Bart’s, Molly stares in horror from the lab into a room next door which has a TV playing on a table. VOICE (pitched deep): Did you miss me? In the conference room we saw earlier, Lady Smallwood stares up from her seat, apparently looking at a TV screen. LADY SMALLWOOD: How is this possible? SIR EDWIN (standing beside her, also looking at the screen): We don’t know, but it’s on every screen in the country – every screen simultaneously. LADY SMALLWOOD: Has the Prime Minister been told? (She looks round and up to Sir Edwin.) And Mycroft? MYCROFT (sitting in the back seat of a stationary car and talking into a phone): But that’s not possible. (He opens the door and gets out.) MYCROFT: That is simply not possible. (He looks across to where John and Mary, holding hands and clearly still at the airfield, look towards him. He frowns at them.) JOHN (releasing Mary’s hand and walking towards him): What’s happened? In the executive jet, Sherlock is still looking out of the window. MAN’s VOICE (offscreen): Sir? (Sherlock looks round. The man holds out a phone towards him.) MAN: It’s your brother. (Sherlock takes the phone and holds it to his ear.) SHERLOCK: Mycroft? MYCROFT’s VOICE (over phone): Hello, little brother. How is the exile going? SHERLOCK: I’ve only been gone four minutes. MYCROFT (now sitting in the back of his car again, and smiling pleasantly): Well, I certainly hope you’ve learned your lesson. As it turns out, you’re needed. SHERLOCK: Oh, for God’s sake. Make up your mind. Who needs me this time? (In Mycroft’s car, the distorted voice can be heard.) VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? Did you miss me? (Mycroft looks to the front of the car where a small TV screen is set into the dashboard. On the screen is a still photograph of Jim Moriarty facing the camera and smiling. To the left of his mouth is the message: MISS ME? The jaw of Jim’s photograph has been animated so that it moves up and down a little as the voice repeats over and over.) VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? Did you miss me? In Piccadilly Circus in London, the huge screens above the street are each filled with the same part-animated image of Jim’s smiling face with the message beside it, and the voice plays over speakers. VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? Did you miss me? (And a view from a high vantage point shows the city of London as the voice plays on.) VOICE (pitched high): Did you miss me? Did you miss me? In the back of the car, as the voice plays on, Mycroft speaks a single word into his phone in response to Sherlock’s question. MYCROFT (with a somewhat exasperated sigh in his voice): England. (Outside the car, Mary looks at John.) MARY: But he’s dad. I mean, you told me he was dad, Moriarty. JOHN: Absolutely. He blew his own brains out. MARY: So how can he be back? JOHN (turning and looking to his right): Well, if he is ... he’d better wrap up warm. (Mary turns to follow his gaze.) JOHN: There’s an East Wind coming. (He and Mary watch as Sherlock’s plane comes in to land.) The familiar drum bat starts up again and this time the theme tune follows and the closing credits roll to the end. And then ... As the Hartswood, BBC and Masterpiece logos fade, Jim Moriarty, now no longer animated but live and standing facing the right, looks towards the camera straight-faced and speaks in his normal voice. JIM: Miss me?	{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "03x03 - His Last Vow"}	foreverdreaming

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