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I personally would rather not have the cops shoot my pool of printer ink, thank you very much.
Edit: Gold! Thank you anonymous redditor who appreciated my passive aggressive comment! | {
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I just want to dick around without messing up my main? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one | {
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I thought Bing Crosby was black until I was in my late 20's. I'm not sure why. Never saw a picture of him, and maybe the similarity to the name Cosby. | {
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someone reportedly from chief keef'ssquad shot him down in a drive by | {
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You did hear me say MARRIED, right? | {
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I'm pretty sure I know who said that. From his point of view it's pretty much true, but I don't think he realizes that the employees are the ones who invited me to be first in line. Also, I'm normally not much of an ass, but it was Skyrim, and I wasn't playin. Skyrim was the only reason I was alive that year. | {
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i thought so but only for korea. | {
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quit being over-sensitive, Biden. you're a goddamn politician on national stage. | {
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That's the first thing Doc told me, cock and balls suffered no major injuries. I'm very lucky. | {
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I think you need to stop worrying about a stranger and move on with the life your mother gave you. | {
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The abrasiveness of a washcloth/loufa helps remove dead skin and dirt from your pores. The Romans used metal "scrapers" to achieve the same. With your hand you are just petting yourself. | {
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MY MOMMY SAYD DAT SHE WISH DAT MY BRODER JONATON WASN'T PWODUCE TODAY CAWSE SHE HAD DA JONATON WEN SHE HAD SEXY TYME WIT DA NASTIE NIGGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LE GOO GA GOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | {
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I'm glad everyone likes it! To answer your questions, this is an original story, although obviously influenced by Lovecraft.
My wife makes me tell her a story every night before bed. I told her this one after watching a documentary on deep sea creatures. After she asked if it was true, I laughed at her and she punched me many times. | {
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How can this post possibly have +75 with 40 minutes in
scam | {
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"I just want to say that I am not a racist. I don’t even see race, not even my own. People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I just spent the last six minutes explaining how I’m not a racist. And that is about the whitest thing you can do." - Stephen Colbert | {
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I wanted legal advice, not repeats of what I already know. I'm not going to get emancipated if I can tell it means I'll have to drop out of school, because if I can tell it means I'll have to drop out of school, that probably means I can tell it means I'll have to drop out of school. Your advice is fucking tautologic. Goodbye. | {
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Wow, you would make an *excellent* scientist.
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But we're related. [](/ok) Families do that for each other. | {
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Does anyone really bother with that? Seems like more effort than it's worth really. | {
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>You honestly did NOTHING clever or funny.
I know. And it still fooled everybody. That's depressing. | {
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This entire post makes me want to scream | {
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I used to make her a blood mage but then I took an arrow too the knee! | {
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Before someone fucks themselves, I want to point out that this law only applies if it's also more than 7 days before your date of travel. | {
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They bleat like sheep weirdly enough. | {
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I like how your correction actually made what Nestle did much worse. | {
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Fuck gabe he is a fat pedophile. I don't understand how u gaming faggots can be so obsessed with a pedophile. It is creepy and disgusting. Batman is a movie based off of a comic book, comic books are for kids. It's creepy as fuck that u nerds are into the same thing as kids. That basically makes u all pedophiles obsessed with a fat pedophile. It's disgusting fuck u | {
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It's amazing what humans can accomplish when they don't give a fuck about an entire group of people.
Edit - for all of you asking, it's from his last hbo special
-Louis CK | {
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>I don't like someone or something so I just call them racist
Typical libertard logic. | {
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There is something incredibly *wrong* with your mother. | {
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Your power of observation is astounding. | {
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He's still alive, so no. | {
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Those are still owned by the dairy. Somewhat like kegs, they were not his to give away. | {
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Well, this fortune cookie tastes terrible, so they must've left the msg out of it. Oh wait, there is a msg written on this little paper. | {
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No he did not, because this is fake. We need some goddamn proof.
EDIT: he added proof. thanks MetallicCripple, and good luck in life, man. | {
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What? 65 and she looks that good? She's a witch!
Edit: I just woke up, checked reddit over breakfast and it seems I've struck gold... I'm rich, bitches, let's go burn some witches! Bring your own pitchforks but torches are on me. | {
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Whiteknights alwaays ruin the fun | {
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Oh good, that is much more efficient. | {
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Why isn't FDR on here? Millions of people starved to death in the US under his completely fucking insane economic policies, same as Stalin and Mao. | {
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Hey, /u/Warlizard, I'm sure you must get this all the time, but I really have to ask...
... Can I have some of your fries? | {
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Funny how the only comment in this thread that I downvoted ended up making it to number one. | {
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I once bought some lean cuisines, a bottle of wine, and an engagement card for a friend and the coupon that popped out for me at the self-checkout was for cat food. | {
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I brought up engineering because I figured, like much of Reddit, maybe a more technical approach would help you understand.
Obviously not. You're just thick in the head.
I'm done talking to you, racist. | {
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Please don't edit this.
Edit: thank you for the gold. Amazing. | {
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I actually did ask her if it was alright if I just helped her clean up and then take off before people came. You can imagine her response. | {
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Thats not that unusual! Don't feel bad! On average 1 out of every 2 people don't get an erection during sex.
Edit: Thank you to the anonymous stranger for popping my cherry! Much like 70% of the posts on this thread there is blood everywhere and it hurt a little bit, but I think I will recover.
The gold was nice, too! | {
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http://imgur.com/PeBNa.jpg | {
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Elon got the club going up
on a Tuesday | {
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NO ITS NOT FUNNY. DOWNVOTE EVERYTHING!
INCLUDING ME. (ESPECIALLY ME!)
EDIT: KEEP IT COMING!!!!
EDIT2: AND FINALLY I'D LIKE TO THANK THE MULTIPLE ACCOUNT NECKBEARDS WHO DEDICATED THEMSELVES TO MY CAUSE! | {
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Haha! You thought your family was dead!! YOU IDIOT!! classic. | {
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Think you've missed the Champions League a bit there lads
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Alien is a better portrayal of pregnancy/birth. | {
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You do know that frozen meals are bad for you and more expensive than whole/fresh foods right? | {
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I would LOVE to be in a restaurant where a waiter or manager tells a persnickety customer that the chef has left the building because of their order, and there will be no more food. | {
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In hindsight I feel like OP deserved to get shafted like this. Like, the universe knew he was going to say something fucking retarded and pre-emptively punished him.
EDIT: People keep saying I "faked" cancer as if I played some sort of role.
"I have cancer. No I don't!" Doesn't count as faking in my book. That you people were too fucking stupid to check to make sure isn't my problem. | {
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I don't know what you're talking about, [I loved it.](http://i.imgur.com/2o7Kz8b.jpg)
Help. | {
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Shit, you beat me to it then. Doesn't matter, got karma. | {
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A million dollars, bro | {
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because, they mention something worthwhile. not appealing to the desires of the idiotic masses. | {
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I drink the blood of Kristen Stewart. | {
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Owls are not fawning sycophantic pandering animals like you, your shitty puppy or kitten and don't need nor want scratching. | {
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Bright light is up in sky. Will Master play today? No, Master still sleeping. That's okay. I love Master. I can wait.
Why does Master sleep underground?
I miss Master. | {
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Bikini muffin-top is a close second. | {
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Let's drive up to the Griffith Observatory on Saturday and get away from these crowds! | {
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I.... I don't...... I'll try to help...
JAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJAJAJAJA | {
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Well that ending certainly came out of left fucking field.
Obligatory edit: *Thanks, glorious faceless benefactor!* | {
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Trust me, he was being an ass, but that is who he is. Their house got tp'd once and our friend used shredded paper. He found strips to a personal check, then called the parents, asked to speak with their son, then talked shit and made him come over and clean up the mess. | {
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Couldn't have been that hard. All he had to do was measure the waist of OP's mom. | {
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I love my wife too much to leave her stranded. You're right, though, it isn't really fair for me to stress out about this. But I know that if I don't take the initiative, she surely won't. She has a passive nature. And yet, she's the one who started all of this... | {
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There's a guy in their board meetings biding his time to propose his revolutionary idea of plop plop plop plop fizz fizz fizz fizz. | {
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And their hair colour is, is that what you're saying? | {
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>Disclaimer: I was the first webmaster for NIN.
<body bgcolor="#000000">
Well, that's lunch | {
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yea bro because that huge picture of obama in the background doesnt give it away | {
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>7 inch radius
That's a pine tree, not a dick | {
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I'll be looking too. That girl is chubby but she's no 'elephant,' I'd still rape the shit out of her! :) | {
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And that was the moment Vladamir Putin knew what he wanted to do for the rest of his life... | {
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Stopping this "pun" thread right here (before the anti-climax) because it's always so annoying in /r/jokes (this is not /r/puns guys).
Edit: Frustrated punsters gangbanging me now | {
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Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being. | {
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As someone who read it all: fuck you, it does do it justice. | {
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Thread full of exceptionally douchey neighbors, and you post your exceptionally cool one. | {
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Well, I'm sure the money from your book sales will keep you comfortable. | {
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As a lizard man living at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay, I find this comment offensive. | {
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you realize that (you're) an asshole. | {
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I created my account today so no Karma...
Guess I will wait to be mocked then!
Edit: God I wasn't expecting the comment to grow like this and receive gold on my first day here. Thanks a lot kind strangers! | {
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LET THE DOWNVOTES CUM | {
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Alright, I'll keep that in mind the next time I have an opportunity to be a soldier in WWI. | {
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I guess I just fail to see the supposed conflict of interest. | {
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>Poocassos
Well, I'm done. | {
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TIL - "crazy" = pathetic, in the "entire speedrunning community". What a garbage video, full of garbage people, circle-jerking over how "awkward" they all are. LPT - If you waste time watching another person play a videogame, you should probably look in a mirror/shower/go outside/DO SOMETHING ELSE. I don't hate often, but this is warranted. | {
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Several decimal points. | {
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Even worse is someone who buys food from a discount store | {
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> It's like Amber, but hot.
FTFY because pun. | {
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Dude... I thought to myself, reddit is exactly how I thought it would be. It's glorious! | {
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GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA NOT LOUISIANA PARIS FRANCE NEW YORK OR ROME! BUT GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA! MY HOME SWEET HOME!
EDIT: Over 2000 points and gold for quoting a song from The Music Man... I don't get you reddit, but thanks. | {
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fuck off with your stupid neckbeard cartoon references | {
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"just like that"
"I'm mid cartwheel!"
Edit: yay gold! This is the first time someone who isn't my fiancée gave me gold. She only did it because I can hold a cartwheel. | {
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OMG I JUST DIED LAUGING. XDDDDDD | {
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> privileged fucks.
Nobody's stopping you from sticking a bat up your ass. | {
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>Your dad is the kind of ~~cop~~ **DIRTY PIG** I think of when saying the pledge.
I STILL HAS DA DADDY OP LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WANA PWAY WIT MY DADYY?????????????? GOO GOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | {
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I feel underutilized in my current position and would like to move into a position with more responsibility. | {
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Great suggestion! I think I'm going to go with this one. Thanks very much for detailing it out. | {
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Subsets and Splits