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ZSvedic

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humor-chains

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[ { "from": "human", "value": "If the judge sends me to anger management I’m gonna be pissed." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah yes, I remember fondly the day I walked into my court ordered AM class 4 minutes late and triggered the instructor so badly he lost his sh!t and left." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Subreddit Of The Month [February 2016]: /r/MakeItFunnyIAMA, \"The Ninja Editing Subredditing!\". Know of a small (under 10,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "/r/physicsjokes" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I am offended to be called Dogmatic, when I’ve always considered myself a cat person?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How cathartic." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I want a lover who goes down on me as often as the ice cream machine at McDonald." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "toit" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "99% of politicians give the rest a bad name." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Love how just 1% is considered \"the rest.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo....not sure whose it was, but it's mine now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Unsubbing" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I despise raisins" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Children should never be raised indoors, the need to explore the wild. Me and my family are proud raisouts" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I know what bacon tastes like and THAT ain't bacon..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The one thing you never want to hear from your proctologist." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I don’t want to get too political, but" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks for electing me." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I missed my bus this morning.\nI really shouldn't get so sentimental about public transport." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I missed my dad yesterday, next time I will use a laser sight." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "My horse's weight use to fluctuate a lot until I put him on a stable diet." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "why the long face? you oat to know it's for your own good" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I have got a friend who's Butler has no left arm. Serves him right.\nOne armed Bulter's eh? They can take it, but they cant dish it out." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Your disrespect towards the apostrophe is making me want to punch you in the testicles.\n\nNot testicle's. Testicles." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Early humans were really stupid." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They only caught worms." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I ordered a pillow case from a questionable web site. Sure enough, as soon as I opened the package, I discovered it was a sham." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Does sham mean pillowcase or something?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I'm no pituitary gland, but I can make a hormone." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The crooked Egyptian businessman was well known for his pyramid scheme." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And his victims were all in denial." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The exact centre of the universe is constantly changing ...unless I am asleep." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How is this a one liner?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If you watch Godzilla in reverse, it’s about a large reptilian beast that moonwalks to a ruined city, puts it back together, and moonwalks back into the ocean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "moon walking is different from walking backwards" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Why did the robot cross the road?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Because a mouse told it too\n\nThe robots got no self control" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Doctor, it's a miracle! We've successfully combined..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Self respect and yo momma!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "My Uncle isn't fond of gerbils, last time we had one it..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Made us miss the usual Christmas turkey" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone thinks they are unique until they have to create a username." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "r/Showerthoughts" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Pure genius!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Abortion really brings out the kid in you" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Stealing from an askreddit thread? Nice." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When I die, I’d like the word \"Humble\" to be written on my statue." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I myself am actually the most humble mother fucker alive" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"I dropped my toothpaste!\" exclaimed Dave, crestfallen." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Luckily, it didn't make a mess. He had good AIM." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jill was on the pill, and gave Jack a little thrill, and now they both feel a little warmer." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier but it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Love it" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Dogs can't see through bones, but catscan." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dogs are better for blood, I’m waiting on my lab results." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Got my secret Santa a George Michael CD, they complained they got it Last Christmas." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "But they lost it the very next day." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A tiny penis is no big deal" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I shared my first penis joke long ago" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "r/technicallythetruth" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If you don’t believe in human perseverance you clearly haven’t seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yeah that is fact, wait till you see a bunch of highschoolers on their lunch break with tons of weed but only a broken bong and a lighter that won't light" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "New report: Use of elevators on the rise." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hear it's an up and down kind of business" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I shot my first turkey today... Scared everyone else in the frozen food section in the process." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is two lines." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If there is a real estate does that mean there is fake estate?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Real = royal. All land belongs to the governing entity. Try not paying your property taxes to test the theory. :)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "We used to have empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings... Now we have countries." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Run by counts!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Blind people have a dark sense of humor." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yet, no one bats an eye. Why must we not spy?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Dear Bank Account,\nOM NOM NOM NOM\n\nSincerely,\nCollege" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Penis,\n\n> OM NOM NOM NOM\n\nSincerely, Vagina Dentata" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I once heard a FedEx joke, but I never got it." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The concept is solid, but the delivery is terrible." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Arr." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone told me the Human Centipede was a good movie...\nI thought it sucked ass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ah, I see what you did there." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "300 Investors walked into a bar" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They were greeted with booz" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Stealing alcohol is whiskey" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Try to steal my whiskey and you’ll get a Canadian Club" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Running in front of a car is tiring, but running behind a car is exhausting." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ha! I see what you did there....." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I'm so poor, i can't even pay attention." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A joke OLDER than the internet ON the internet?\n\nTECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I got paid to provide my stool samples for research, it was a shit job." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think it was your piss poor performance" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I went to punch the fog yesterday...mist." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I don't want to dampen your effort." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "My company is a non-profit, but not on purpose." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I feel personally attacked right now" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Add \"in my pants\" to the end of quotes" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Darth Vader:\n \nThe ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the force... In my Pants!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Yes, judge I do have something to say, if you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is a bit cumbersome, and really two lines.\n\nMaybe something like:\n\n> If you are what you eat, then I'm as innocent as a child." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "My desire to stay well informed is at odds with my desire to stay sane." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is too relatable..." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A muslim is drowning in a fast flowing river..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "...because he had too much Bad Khamr.\n\n [Khamr](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khamr)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...\n...but the people of Abu Dhabi do" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "*facepalm*" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Who’s the genius that decided to call it “emotional baggage” and not “griefcase”?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Using griefcase now. Griefcases.....I've got a few" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "90% of my socks are single and you don’t see them crying..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why are they wet then?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "An Italian man walks into a bookshop..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "He says \"ow... wheres the door\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I’ve designed a new website for orphans and there's no home page." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I really like this one because it took me a minute to get the joke and then I felt bad for laughing." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Not to brag but my new car gets 3.785 liters to the gallon." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We aussies go one better, we get 4.546 litres per gallon in our new cars." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "_____________" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's so good they put it in the sub logo" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Stoners tend to lose interest in a baseball game at the end of the eighth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Usually bottom of the first quarter for me" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When my wife farts I say \"Bless you\" like she sneezed.\nShe hates it" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My wife farts so much she even says excuse me when she's sleeping." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "So I realized my life is a joke:\nI screwed in a lightbulb then crossed the road and walked into a bar." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "said the bishop to the actress" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Say what you want about Improv." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Yes, and?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I've just invented the first thought controlled air freshener, it makes scents when you think about it!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "i smell a patent" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "300 Nigerians walk into a bar..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The concept of Limbo hasn't really reached their culture yet." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I used Coca Cola to grow my pot plants. Why do they.........." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Why do they... give me failing grades in my horticulture classes?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Two fortune tellers meet on the street. The first says, \"You're fine, how am I?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Funny, but I'm pretty sure that's a two-liner." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "My intention is to ruin the brakes in my car, and no one will stop me." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I like this but I think it would be a little better if it said \"...and *nothing* is going to stop me.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I took a job at a cemetery, it was a grave mistake. 🪦" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I think it works better as\n\nI was my fired from my job at the cemetery - I made a grave mistake." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I'm not a funny guy, much less one for clever jokes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "...so when I say \"knock knock\", just let me in & don't say \"whose there?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I use the address bar to Google things, and my parents use Google as their address bar.\nJust something I've noticed since switching to Chrome. Anyone else found a habit change so drastically simply by switching browsers?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I haven't visited the Google homepage since day 1 of installing Chrome. It's just so smooth." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Epic Mom facebook fail\nhe doesn't understand privacy setting so we all can join in the fun\n\nhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1603886876&v=wall&story_fbid=118764081492862" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I want to add a comment, but I'm not feeling the \"1000 new updates\" that would follow. Upvote for you good sir" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "People used to be nicer, these days the average person is mean." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "well at least he's not percentile 90." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "‪The toughest thing about dating an astronaut is that she always needs space.‬" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": ">My wife lives 300km above Earth’s surface and she *still* needs more space!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm addicted to brake fluid. I can stop any time." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If slow old men use walking sticks do fast old men use hurry canes?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hurry Cane is literally the name of a particular walking stick seen on infomercials lmao" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I hope my girlfriend is okay, she's barely touched the 184 birds I gave her over the 12 days of Christmas." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Those 12 Drummers, 22 Pipers, ans 30 Lords are probably keeping her VERY busy!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A trophy is the award you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It took me a second to get this one" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If it wasn't for all these tins of rations i'd be..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Canned." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A gay man and a straight man walk into a bar..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "And two gay men walk out" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If you don’t think sexism is alive and well today, you’re as dumb as a woman." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Eh" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I was such a fat baby that instead of a stork, I was delivered by a crane." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Nice" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I was just in the ladies at work and someone farted in the cubicle next to me and their Siri replied \"sorry, I didn't understand what you just said\"\nGlorious." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "> I was just in the ladies at work\n\nOhhhh *my*!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Most men will receive their first bunch of flowers at their funeral." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Thanks for cheering me up" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I failed my math tests so many times, I can't even count" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Can you odd count?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Why did the duck go to prison?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sellin quack cocaine" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten, then he got fired" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Good one liner!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Little known fact, Led Zeppelin actually got it's name from..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "a striplight blimp. (and it's LED Zeppelin)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Chicken Pot Pie\nMy three favorite things!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Steak beer opiates?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A man walks into a bar and says “I need a lawyer”." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"please sir, sit down and wait for the exam to be over first\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The chicken crossed the road because…" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It saw a person inject their semen and incubate it to hatch." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A white jewish horse and an african frog walk into a bar..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bartender says to the frog, “Let me guess: ‘Ribbit, Mon.’”\n\nThe horse says, “No: call me ‘Rabbi.’”" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Let's write six word stories. I'll go first.\nConsidered myself Michael. Turned out Fredo." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Consequences will never be the same" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Subreddit Of The Month [September 2021]: /r/threewordstories/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "r/newscorrections" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "I didn't get accepted into the circus, but at least I gave it the old Clown College try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What are you trying to do Wil" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Subreddit Of The Month [October 2020]: /r/Spaceballsmemes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I hate having to go to the subreddit link and turn the bell off. \n\nThe bell being off should be a given and if I like the sub I’ll turn it on\n\nYour welcome boyzzz! Make sure to tell Reddit to hire me for ground breaking ideas!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A Communism joke is only funny if everyone gets it" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's better than dictatorship jokes. Nobody gets those." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The trouble with living alone, that it's always my turn to do the dishes." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was always my turn to do everything when I was married too though" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "In a sweet, dank cave sat a lone dorito chip" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was damp with mountain dew" } ]