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230,701 | What is a vegetable's favorite martial art? He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe. |
230,702 | This gave me a small chuckle this morn. knock knock -who's there rupert murdoch -rupert murdoch who? i don't know what you're talking about |
230,703 | Jam and Marmalade NSFW What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't Marmalade a cock up a girls arse |
230,704 | How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!! |
230,705 | I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. :( |
230,706 | Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep. |
230,707 | I met this really hot chick at the club last night... She let me give her and handjob and everything. |
230,708 | Why did the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos made it to the finals? Because they want that **Super Bowl!** |
230,709 | On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here... |
230,710 | What do you call it when your having sex with a smart girl? Being in-genious |
230,711 | What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings |
230,712 | Why do Chemists have so much debt? Because they have so much Antimony! |
230,713 | What do you call a belt made of paper? A waist of paper. *knee slap* |
230,714 | What do bunnies do when they get married? Go on a bunnymoon |
230,715 | When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. |
230,716 | When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza." |
230,717 | While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread. |
230,718 | Patient: I have a strawberry lodged in my anus. Doctor: I have some cream for that. |
230,719 | Hear about that 70s date rape band? Cosby Pills Smash and Run |
230,720 | I went through Walmart's self-checkout the other day And damn, the cashier was sexy. |
230,721 | An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms. He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair". [Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ) |
230,722 | I drink every time I tell a bad joke. Hey, it's worth a shot. |
230,723 | Korean hot dogs [My wife came up with this joke] If hot dogs made from turkey are called turkey dogs... Then Koreans eat doggie dogs. |
230,724 | The past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense. |
230,725 | Being autistic is a bit like being a photon... Getting from here to someplace else is instantaneous, but what happens in between is incomprehensible. (source: am autistic) |
230,726 | What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. |
230,727 | I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method. |
230,728 | Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier. |
230,729 | I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry. |
230,730 | Hipsters only listen to songs like Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen You've probably never heard of it. |
230,731 | Saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" Standing underneath was a rather suspicious looking man holding a watch. |
230,732 | Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn't be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn't waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. |
230,733 | Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer. |
230,734 | I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat. |
230,735 | You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste! |
230,736 | What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? He died on the cross! |
230,737 | First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape. |
230,738 | Doctor doctor I'm so ugly. What can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties. |
230,739 | *rubs a lamp* Genie appears and asks for a wish "I don't wanna die virgin" *Genie grants immortality |
230,740 | Yo mama so fat... ...every year she win the Mrs. Hungary Pageant without even entering. |
230,741 | Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got behind in his orders |
230,742 | "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile |
230,743 | What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle |
230,744 | You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh |
230,745 | What do you call a crazy train A loco-motive |
230,746 | Want to read a great construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it. |
230,747 | Name's Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame's Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame's Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO |
230,748 | I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers. # |
230,749 | The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage. |
230,750 | Got a quick joke, that might be offensive to women. NSFW Q: Two tampoons drive right pass you. Which one stop to say "Hello?" A: Neither! They're both stuck up cunts. |
230,751 | What's the right age to tell your kids Canada isn't real? |
230,752 | Knock knock Come in Sorry |
230,753 | Working title for the new Tyler Perry movie? Alex Crossdresser |
230,754 | How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke? He's looking over his shoulder |
230,755 | I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call. |
230,756 | You know it's not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you've ever tried to organize a dinner for six people. |
230,757 | How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer? He's staring at somebody else's shoes. |
230,758 | Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock. |
230,759 | According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I'm guessing the other 48% have new ones? |
230,760 | Lots of road accidents are caused by bad weather It snow joke |
230,761 | What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D. |
230,762 | I have no patience But that's mostly because I'm not a doctor. |
230,763 | Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach" |
230,764 | I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude. |
230,765 | [Drives date home] ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not |
230,766 | My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him |
230,767 | Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat. |
230,768 | Oh, Obama's credit card was declined? Michelle must have called the bank and told them she was tired of her husband always "going Dutch." |
230,769 | Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips... ...but it's great for their calves. |
230,770 | "Is there really a fire? Prove it." -Mrs. Doubtfire |
230,771 | Knock Knock Who's there ! Cassie ! Cassie who ? Cassie the forest for the trees ! |
230,772 | Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered... and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years. |
230,773 | Where do you hide an airport? IN PLANE SIGHT! |
230,774 | Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids: What did one lightbulb to say to the other? Watts up? |
230,775 | What is every bodybuilder's favorite city? Gainsboro. |
230,776 | All these mean jokes about the Boston Marathon Bombing ... are really crossing the line... too soon? |
230,777 | I had intimate contact with Jesus... ...in a Mexican jail cell. |
230,778 | How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath. |
230,779 | Confucius says... Confucius says: Learn to masturbate, come in handy. |
230,780 | Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent 80 on a dog coat. And we don't even have a dog. |
230,781 | What did the paraplegic father say when his teenage daughter came out of the closet? I will not stand for this. |
230,782 | How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein! |
230,783 | Dear NFL: Super Bowl. I'll just let them process this a little bit. They should do something by the time I'm up tomorrow. |
230,784 | Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed. |
230,785 | Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant? I guess the eggplant came first! I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious |
230,786 | When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look. |
230,787 | Why are Fiat cars named as such? Because they aren't really worth anything. Econ 101 humor. |
230,788 | I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage) |
230,789 | Did you hear the guy who wrote the Friends theme song committed suicide? No one told him life was gonna be this way. |
230,790 | I saw the funniest joke... Your life. |
230,791 | I was arrested for assault with a chicken. The cops suspected foul play. |
230,792 | What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden. |
230,793 | You have a life |
230,794 | Humour is what separates us from the animals. And the feminists. |
230,795 | Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating* |
230,796 | What do Dracula's girlfriend and Mike Tyson have in common? They both go down for the count!! |
230,797 | [clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself |
230,798 | Apparently the most common surname In China is Chang. ...correct me if you think that's Wong. |
230,799 | There's only one thing I love more than bacon ...and I can't put pussy in my mashed potatoes. |
230,800 | Worrying does you no good. Or does it? What if it does? Can anyone confirm this? Maybe email me in case I have bad reception?! |
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