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# Spouses should forgive seventy times seven

## What you need to know:

**My observation is that lack of forgiveness has caused many relationships to crumble; secondly we often fail to grasp why we struggle to forgive**

By Amani Kyala

Nelson Mandela once said; "As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

Yes, Nelson Mandela was jailed for 27 years for opposing South Africa's apartheid system.

Forgiveness is essential quality for any relationship to exist, let alone thriving.

My observation is that lack of forgiveness has caused many relationships to crumble; secondly we often fail to grasp why we struggle to forgive.

And lastly, we don't know what's forgiveness.

**The missed meaning of forgiveness:** Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

We've to understand what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not.

Experts who teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you don't gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

**Only the strong can forgive:** Mandela knew very well that forgiveness is not a weakness, but rather a strength, that allows one to forgive.

By forgiving his oppressors, Mandela could move beyond the pain and anger of his past and focus on building a better future for South Africa.

So, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but it is a strong indicator of strength.

The natural reaction to being hurt or harmed is anger and revenge.

Only strong people can refrain from imposing a penalty for serious wrongdoings.

The common denominator of all those who survived divorce and dysfunctional relationships is the ability to forgive.

**Unforgiveness is a prison: **American writer William Arthur Ward who wrote over 100 poems, articles and meditations once said; "A life lived without forgiveness is a prison."

Forgiveness can help free people from the control of those who have harmed them, and can improve mental health and well-being.

Similarly, Lewis B. Swedes a renown writer and ethicist well-articulated that; “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Another set of my favorite writers Neil T. Anderson and Charles Mylander profoundly mention that… "when we refuse to forgive, we nurse a little grudge. Give it some time we feel resentful. Neglect to deal with the resentment and we turn bitter. Here's the bad news. Bitterness pollutes the atmosphere of our lives. Bitter people invite trouble because they blindly cause it."

In conclusion, marriage is a series of continuous forgiving events.

Marriage is forgiveness.

Forgiveness in marriage is not just a one-time venture but a constant practice.

It involves daily choices to let go of bitterness, resentment and revenge; choice to communicate openly, and extend grace, offering a pathway to resolution and restoration.

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Amani Kyala** is a Counselor, Teacher and Writer, **[email protected]**, 0626**** 512 144**