I have become somewhat sanitised in my behaviour in recent years. My self-satisfied, middle-class ways have led me onto believing that my self-worth is rapidly decreasing proportionately to the amount of facial hair I decide to grow. This devaluation of the male role in the society is partially to blame on the amount of feminist movement that spawned to existence due to the availability of social media and the utterly ridiculous female necessity to mock everything male. This outrageous rise in feminist activity is slowly beating the male population of the western world into submission and my embarrasing acceptance of my own scarf-wearing, vegetarian existence is partially to blame.

More often than not I see women enjoy themselves in a Charlie Sheenesque fashion trying to emulate male behaviour creating an self-illusion of dominance over the male part of society. Taking from our habits formed by centuries of history creates an impression of freedom. A fantasy that you decide to fuel with a mixture binge drinking, binge eating and binge kicking yourself about your bad habits on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Where did the stories of loving women waiting for their husbands to come back from war disappear to?

I don't mean to jump into stereotypical male outcry. I understand the basic principles of equality. You don't have to bring up history and the atrocities that inequality brought to human societies in the past. We both read history books. Well, I do anyway. But my dear feminist, you are doing it wrong. This inane drive to bash the male part of the population for being simply male is going nowhere. We have accumulated our habits of infidelity, brashness and vivacious free-spirited risk taking with years of fighting, winning wars and killing in the name of a higher existence. Those are the pillars upon which we have built our society. A society that withstood every challenge that has been thrown at it to the present day. The only thing you prove by trying emulating male behaviour is your own inability to accept societal convention.

Progress is about breaking convention, you say? I am sorry, I cannot take you serious - half-conscious from alcohol intoxication with a kebab over your face. That's my role.

Quite frankly the male population is lazy. We are so lazy that we are happy for you to do all the work. Feel free, run the household. Take care of the money. Drive an unnecessarily big SUV which you cannot park anyway. We will quite happily hang about the local bar with the kids until you prove to the world that you too can act tough and dominant. How about next time we need to sent troops to the Middle East we send all the women instead? I'll take up cooking classes in the meantime so that I can serve you some deliciously prepared sushi with miso soup and watercress when you all come back.

Hereby I resign from all of my male responsibilities. Since you decided to fight so hard to reverse gender roles - you can have it. I've spent the last 3000 thousand years of written history acting male. It is your turn. I will now go on to buy my decaf-soy-skimmed-milk latte from a big-coffee-chain and pick up the kids from school. Don't be late from work, dinner's waiting.

yours sincerely

the New Male