“It’s getting tickly now,” Alex Ferguson famously observed during a title run-in. “Squeaky bum time, I call it.” This was in 2003, seven years after arguably the definitive Premier League bum-squeak. More of a follow-through, in fact, as the then Newcastle manager, Kevin Keegan, succumbed to his now legendary Ferguson-induced rant. “I will love it if we beat them – love it!” he frothed, of Manchester United. The rest, of course, is history.

To watch Theresa May come out of this week’s EU summit with just six weeks of negotiating time left on the Brexit clock, and declare the EU was risking the lives of its citizens by not striking a security deal with her, was to experience a similar look-away moment. The prime minister is this close to jabbing her finger at the camera and declaring the EU27 have got to go to Middlesbrough and get something. Of the many roles in which May has cruelly miscast herself, that of crap blackmailer is the most excruciating.

Play Video 0:39 May receives footballer Eden Hazard's shirt from Belgian PM – video

Still, what happened at the business end of things – the by now traditional bit of an EU summit where May has to leave while the other countries talk about the important stuff? Pas devant les enfants, as my grandmother used to say. In summary, they seem to have come to a tentative arrangement on migration. And the EU’s Michel Barnier appears to be broadly in agreement with the Queen Vic’s Danny Dyer.

Look, without wishing to involve you in what might sarcastically be described as “my process”, I no longer remark that things are “sentences I never expected to type”. We passed the Typed Lands in 2016. Wherever this place is, this is normal. Nor does my keyboard raise so much as a ??? to report that the prime minister’s official spokesman was today formally asked if the prime minister concurred with EastEnders actor Dyer that her predecessor, David Cameron, was “a twat”. This is where we live now. Try not to choke on it.

If you haven’t seen Dyer’s outburst on ITV’s Good Evening Britain, I urge you to take 36 seconds to do so. As fellow studio guests including Pamela Anderson and Jeremy Corbyn cock their heads thoughtfully, Danny begins by observing that Brexit is a riddle. “So what’s happened to that twat David Cameron, who called it on?” he wonders. The inquiry turns out to be rhetorical, as the Real Football Factories legend expands: “He’s in Europe, in Nice with his trotters up, yeah? Where is the geezer?! I think he should be held account for it. He should be held account for it.”

As the producers pan out to get reaction shots from studio guests such as Harry Redknapp and the Conservative party deputy chairman, James Cleverly – like I said, this is where we live now – Dyer can be heard lobbing in a final “Twat”. Speak for England, Danny! Or rather, speak for south-east metropolitan centres, Scotland and Northern Ireland! The rest think you’re the twat, but that’s showbiz.

Wherever you stand on Brexit, though, we can at least thank Dyer for his hilarious addition to Westminster’s annals of quotable quotes. God knows, they can always use the material. I was reminded this week that Neil Hamilton once won the Spectator’s Parliamentary Wit of the Year – an award that certainly puts Nigel Mansell winning Sports Personality of the Year twice into perspective.

Danny’s latest pensée is easily as amusing as his rumination on the 11th anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center. “Can’t believe it’s been nearly 11 years since them slags smashed into the twin towers,” this ran. “Still freaks my nut out to this day.”

It is, however, not as amusing as the big-hitting Brexiters and four-star political commentators who have spent the hours since Dyer’s Brexit communique mobilising to condemn the reaction to it. Why are people listening to an actor, wonder various sorts who take themselves rather too seriously. I don’t know, guys – but let’s face it, they’ll probably have better luck down the bookies than if they listen to newspaper columnists.

EU-UK divide poses serious threat to Brexit talks, says Barnier Read more

Why is his ghastly swearing being lionised, runs another line of inquiry. That I do know the answer to – it’s because it’s funny. And at this stage in the Brexit U-bend, arguably the best we can hope for is a shit deal on services and a cheap giggle. Contrary to what half you lot told us, they can’t do us a bespoke/haute-couture/red-white-and-blue/money-spraying Brexit. The pretend landlord of the Queen Victoria pub appears to have figured this out, and is trying to salvage a point from the tie. Why haven’t you?

Chiefly amusing, however, is the erstwhile Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men presenter scooping David Cameron on his own memoirs. I don’t know what the former prime minister has been tossing off in his £25,000 shepherd’s hut over the past 23 months, but I can already tell you it will lack the sparse precision of Dyer’s summary. In fact, if they want it to sell the book to people other than nerdy completists like me, then the publishers should consider running Danny’s precis as a cover quote. I’ve no idea what the book’s title will be – let’s hope it’s one of Cameron’s catchphrases, like It Was The Right Thing To Do – but I’d love to see the words “Twat … Danny Dyer” emblazoned above the title, to bring in the punters.

As for how Theresa May will characterise the coming summer of heatwaves and cabinet warfare in her own eventual memoirs, who can say? But with the UK’s chief Brexit negotiator privately warning there are just six weeks to go before both sides are required to sign a final deal, the situation must – in the words of the Chips Channon de nos jours – be freaking her absolute nut out.