WASHINGTON—Imploring Americans to take a moment to recall jovial incidents such as tweeting “covfefe” instead of “coverage” or when he touched that strange glowing orb during a visit to Saudi Arabia, U.S. president Donald Trump, increasingly cornered by House impeachment proceedings, called upon the nation Friday to remember “all the good times.” “Come on, guys, wasn’t that fun when I got in that really huge truck or did that photo op with the taco bowl?” said the 45th commander in chief of the halcyon days when he was attacked by a bald eagle, insulted the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife, or threw paper towels to Puerto Rico rescue workers, spiraling into an ever-deeper panic as he realized the gravity of the investigation into his diplomatic misdeeds in Ukraine. “I feel like everybody is just focusing on the negative here. Don’t forget, we’ve had a lot of great laughs together, like when that lawn mower kid came to the White House or when I looked up at a solar eclipse without the glasses. Boy, wasn’t that a real hoot? I mean, how can you not remember the fast food banquet, or when my butt looked big in that one picture? Doesn’t that count for anything? That was classic Trump.” At press time, the American public sighed deeply in fond remembrance of all the good times they’d shared together as support for impeachment dropped to 0%.

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