It has been a very difficult week, month, year, decade for everybody. Almost all of the news is always bad.

So when a story like this comes along, you really have to take some time to savor it.

In a sentence straight out of a Mad Lib written by someone who spends way too much time on Twitter, one of the Krassenstein brothers, the infamous anti-President Donald Trump grifters, reported Jacob Wohl, a prominent pro-Trump grifter, to the FBI over an apparent plot to discredit special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of Russian election interference.

(Editor’s note: We will give you a moment to process all of that before proceeding.)

This strange saga begins two weeks ago, when several reporters received a “tip” from “Lorraine Parsons” that suggested something game-changingly scandalous was afoot: Women were being offered money by mysterious political operatives to accuse Mueller of “#MeToo-style” sexual misconduct. By and large, the journalists who received this email from “Lorraine” deduced it to be a likely hoax, intended to discredit the media.


Enter another conservative grifter. On Tuesday, Jack Burkman, a Republican lobbyist who has, throughout a long career on the edges of politics, pushed baseless conspiracy theories (most recently about the murder of Democratic National Committee staffer Seth Rich), emerged from the shadows to claim that he had “sad news” — supposedly credible allegations of sexual assault against Mueller.

Some sad news. On Thursday, November 1, at the Rosslyn

Holiday Inn at noon, we will reveal the first of Special Counsel Robert

Mueller's sex assault victims. I applaud the courage and dignity and

grace and strength of my client. pic.twitter.com/wZVQeHD45r — Jack Burkman (@Jack_Burkman) October 30, 2018

At this point, Jacob Wohl, a fanatically pro-Trump media personality, entered the picture. Wohl — an inveterate flimflammer whose past activities include all manners of financial sector perfidy, both shady and hilarious — teased the “scandalous story” about Mueller on Tuesday.

Several media sources tell me that a scandalous story about Mueller is breaking tomorrow. Should be interesting. Stay tuned! — Jacob Wohl (@JacobAWohl) October 30, 2018

Then, Jim Hoft of the Gateway Pundit, a far-right website that peddles absurd conspiracy theories and has a White House credential, published “EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS” claiming Mueller had been accused of rape.

BREAKING REPORT — EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS : Special Counsel and Former FBI Director Robert Mueller Accused of Rape By 'Very Credible Witness ' https://t.co/ntNU0hsz5p via @gatewaypundit — Jim Hoft (@gatewaypundit) October 30, 2018

The “EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS” mention “International Private Intelligence” on each page, supposedly dredged up by a company named Surefire Intelligence, which describes itself as a “private intel agency that designs and executes bespoke solutions for businesses and individuals who face complex business and litigation challenges.”

But hang on to your butts, because the plot’s only getting thicker. With all these rumors of an incoming scandal involving Robert Mueller percolating on Twitter, it wasn’t long before it drew the attention of Ed Krassenstein, one half of the notorious #Resistance brothers, who decided to look into the accusations. After speaking with Burkman in what amounted to a historic bipartisan grifter-summit, Krassenstein obtained some fresh intelligence. As he told NBC news, “I wanted to know who Surefire Intelligence is. That’s when he told me about Jacob Wohl.”


Wohl and Surefire appear to be one and the same. The Daily Beast noted that every phone number listed on Surefire’s website, which purport to be numerous satellite offices from various far-flung locales, redirects “callers to a single phone number with an area code corresponding to Orange County, CA, from which Wohl’s family also hails.”

NBC News dug further into Wohl’s connection to Surefire Intelligence.

(Wohl’s) email is listed in the domain records for Surefire Intelligence’s website and calls to a number listed on the Surefire Intelligence website went to a voicemail message which provided another phone number, listed in public records as belonging to Wohl’s mother.

Oh, it gets better.

Bellingcat’s Aric Toler looked at the LinkedIn accounts of the people who purport to be Surefire Intelligence’s top employees, and noticed something zany about the photos attached to these profiles. They include actress and supermodel Bar Refaeli.

Surefire Intelligence's "Tel Aviv Station Chief" is an Israeli supermodel pic.twitter.com/W6S8IOhT5P — Aric Toler (@AricToler) October 30, 2018

The subject of a stock photo.

Surefire Intelligence's "Head of Government Relations" also works as a model for stock photos. pic.twitter.com/2mQgQFTweT — Aric Toler (@AricToler) October 30, 2018

And actor Christoph Waltz.

Surefire Intelligence's "Financial Investigator" in Zurich is Christoph Waltz. What a great hire! pic.twitter.com/Leu1KLe0XC — Aric Toler (@AricToler) October 30, 2018

And the New Yorker’s Jane Meyer noticed that Surefire Intelligence “managing partner” Matthew Cohen…sure looks a lot like Wohl.

Odd. Jacob Wohl says he doesn't know nuttin' about Surefire Intelligence, the firm tied to the bizarre Mueller allegations. Take a look at the photos below of Mathhew Cohen, head of 'Surefire,' and of Jacob Wohl. pic.twitter.com/Q1rAW4wkPO — Jane Mayer (@JaneMayerNYer) October 30, 2018

Mueller’s investigation, which is notoriously tight-lipped about its operation, told BuzzFeed News that it “referred the matter” of the false allegations “to the FBI for investigation.”

Special counsel’s office spokesperson Peter Carr: “When we learned last week of allegations that women were offered money to make false claims about the Special Counsel, we immediately referred the matter to the FBI for investigation.” (confirming his comment, reported elsewhere) — Chris Geidner (@chrisgeidner) October 30, 2018

Gateway Pundit’s Jim Hoft said the “EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS” that he promoted earlier in the day had been taken down by Tuesday evening. For his part, Wohl appeared to be committed to tweeting through possible attempted obstruction of a federal investigation.

Very credible allegations are set to be made against Robert Mueller — The MSM is scrambling! They're accusing me of offering to pay accusers with ZERO PROOF and ZERO EVIDENCE! — Jacob Wohl (@JacobAWohl) October 30, 2018

Take the L, Jacob.