SAYING it was “fed up” and “close to tears,” the roof at Etihad Stadium has demanded Brad Scott’s mouth stay permanently closed.

“I didn’t invent the sun,” said the controversial piece of stadium attire.

“Last time I checked, it was the collapse of a giant molecular cloud that caused it.

“Yet suddenly it’s all my fault that North Melbourne couldn’t run out a game or hit a target under pressure.”

In an escalating feud, arguably North Melbourne’s biggest rivalry, the roof said it would be easier if Brad Scott’s mouth were closed on a permanent basis.

“What’s he ever said that’s positive? I’ve only ever seen Mark Neeld frown more than him,” it said.

However, North Melbourne president James Brayshaw has defended his coach, saying Brad did actually smile, when Drew Petrie tripped over a chair.

“It was hilarious. He’s a big man the D-Unit and the jukes went out but he still came a cropper.”

“But seriously, there’s no doubt the roof is the cause of every problem North have had recently.

That’s just a fact, it’s science.”

media_camera North Melbourne coach Brad Scott talks to AFL representatives after Saturday’s match against Richmond. Pic: Michael Klein



The AFL’s Football Operations Manager Mark Evans said the league was attempting to negotiate a truce between the two sides.

“We planned to trial both the roof and Brad Scott’s mouth being three-quarters closed for the first three rounds.”

“We may then move on to other fractions, half-closed, four-fifths closed, seven-eights closed. You get the picture.”

Titus O’Reily is a satirical sports writer. You can read more Titus at titusoreily.com or follow him on Twitter: @TitusOReily