On July 1, 2018, Joseph Ireland was arrested and charged by Maryland Natural Resources Police after an altercation at Dobbins Island in the Magothy River.

In a nutshell, a fight ensued, he allegedly tried to run over people with a jet ski, he fled the scene, failed a sobriety test, resisted arrest, and then it went downhill from there. In the end he was charged with….

Attempted 1st Degree Murder,Attempted 2nd Degree Murder, First Degree Assault, Second Degree Assault, Reckless Endangerment, Disorderly Conduct, Resisting Arrest, several charges of operating a vessel while impaired, and violation of 15 other boating regulations.

Reading the charging documents, we gleaned some tips that might assist you should you ever be in a situation where you are being arrested by a NRP (or any) officer.

Do not refer to the female arresting officer as “beautiful,” “hot,” or “sexy.” Do not ask her if she dates suspects or people she has arrested. “You’re so sexy. I’ve always wanted to fuck law enforcement” is a very poor pick up line. We can say with 100% certainty that it will NEVER work. Professing your oral skills by saying “I love to eat pussy. Just kidding. But seriously though, I’d love to get in that” is yet another line that will, with 100% certainty, never work. Do not refer to male officers who are assisting her as “Officer Bitch”. Calling male officers “bitch”, “faggot”, and “pussy” prior to challenging them to a fight claiming that you are going to “beat their ass” will never end well. Remember, you are in handcuffs, this is key point. Know your constitution. While there is a right to free speech, the Second Amendment does not give you the right to call the officers whatever you want–that’s the First Amendment. After using the rest room, zip up. Despite your professed skills, no one wants to see your junk. As a corollary to point 1 above, it is poor form to refer to the arresting officer as “Corporal Fucking Sexy”

Currently, Ireland is being held without bond at the Jennifer Road Detention Center in Annapolis.

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