BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, it has been confirmed.

Amid blade-like freezing gales that can actually slice your nose off, international aid agencies have offered to evacuate the population using helicopters.

A Red Cross spokesman said: “We want to get as many people out as possible, then we’ll figure out how to distribute them across nicer places, like Spain and Portugal.

“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”

Stephen Malley, from Doncaster, said: “I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, it’s evil spirit trying everything it can to drive us out.”