North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:

Slowly crawling toward Seoul for adequate medical care

Attending informative Supreme Leadership Seminar

Facedown in country’s only bowl of rice

In hearts and minds of 25 million proud North Koreans

Switching place with lowborn pauper of nearly identical appearance to get taste of common North Korean life

Sitting completely still in a 34-day-long pose for largest Supreme Leader portrait yet

Hibernating for winter inside burrow

Crumpled up on floor after skeleton splintered apart under ceaselessly increasing body weight

In the rich, vibrant world of delusion that comes with being raised as the heir to a despotic regime

Making love to wife for five straight weeks

Wiping crumbs off face at father’s grave

Never in the same room as his sister, curiously

Either being hanged or hanging someone else