WASHINGTON—Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly smashed their father’s cell phone Friday to search for Chinese spies, shouting demands that the tiny operatives come out of the receiver with their hands up. “When we heard all these little Chinese guys snuck into our dad’s phone and started listening to all the things he talks about, we knew we had to find out wherever they’ve been hiding,” said Donald Jr. moments before bringing a hammer down on their dad’s iPhone and taking turns stomping on the shards with his brother to “smoosh the little imbisible spies [sic].” “Now they gotta stop taking secret stuff. And they’ll never ever break out of this jar jail we made for them—even if we did poke holes in the top part so they could breath. Dad’s gonna be so proud when we show him!”At press time, an exhausted Eric and Donald Jr. were taking a break from a lengthy session of interrogating the badly broken fragment of their father’s phone.

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