The Orgy Achiever

Identifiable characteristics: You will often hear the Orgy Achiever before you see them. Their orgasms are operatic, loud, lengthy, and frequent. Once spotted, you will note their ostentatious plumage and often Oscar-worthy costumes. Be nimble when tracking an OA! One minute they’re in the midst of an ecstatic mob of writhing bodies, and the next they’re upstairs, in a different room, and with an entirely different mob.

Courtship behavior: “Have you tried the Anxious Manatee?” they’ll ask you, explaining it’s a move they’ve perfected involving jujitsu, a monologue on animal rights, and the choreography to Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.” Their determination to succeed is matched only by their unabashed enthusiasm. They have been to More Orgies Than You and are not shy about mentioning it repeatedly.

Mating ritual: You will love the Anxious Manatee. You will not be surprised when the Orgy Achiever is awarded a MacArthur Genius Grant for this innovative sex position, which later becomes a law in the state of Oregon.

Key learning: The Orgy Achiever likes two things: sex and accomplishment. Whether it’s orgasms, partners, or positions, the Orgy Achiever is in it to win it and to beat! their! personal! best! Luckily for you, partner pleasure is one of their goals, and they are goal-oriented.