Once again, the internet is abuzz with talk about modesty. Because, obviously, nothing in the world could be more important or more interesting than how women dress, and whether the way they dress is ok or not. A lot of talk was sparked by Elder Tad Callister’s March Ensign article found here. Natasha Helfer-Parker wrote a fantastic response to the Ensign article, outlining some of the problematic messages it contained (which you can read here). Then the discussions got rolling (like on this news report or this less enlightened blog response).

What stuck out to me is that a lot of folks apparently still do not understand what “rape culture” means, and further how it’s related to things like Elder Callister addressed in his article that are not even really talking about rape. So, I thought maybe we should talk about it.

Let me start off by saying what rape culture is not.

It’s not the assumption that all men are evil rapists

It’s not the assumption that everything will eventually lead to rape

It’s not the assumption that society at large somehow overtly favors or supports rape

It’s not an attempt to free any individual (men and women alike) of responsibility for their own behaviors (quite the opposite)

It’s not just referring to sexual assault and rape in our culture

It’s not what it sounds like

What is rape culture then?

Wikipedia defines rape culture as this: ” Within feminism, rape culture is a concept that links rape and sexual violence to the culture of a society, and in which prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, and even condone rape.”

I’d define it, generally speaking, as a term we apply to any discussion or situation that seems to implicate that a victim in a sexual situation was to blame somehow for the behavior of the perpetrator. Ok, that sounds maybe a bit confusing. How about we look at some examples that have been called “supporting rape culture” and then take it apart to make those definitions more clear. Here are a few examples:

An Arizona woman was at a bar, where a drunk police officer walked past her and groped her. During the trial, the judge said the following to the assaulted woman: “Bad things can happen in bars, Hatch told the victim, adding that other people might be more intoxicated than she was. “If you wouldn’t have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you,” Hatch said (Source). A bishop was informed by a teenager that she had been sexually assaulted. He advised her to not report it. The girl ended up calling the police, and the bishop was charged with a felony. Here’s one excerpt from a new article discussing the case: “Moon, 43, was accused of failing to notify police about a 17-year-old girl’s disclosure that she had been sexually abused by a teenage relative. The bishop also told the girl not to seek a protective order against the teenage boy and the boy’s mother when the girl came to him for counsel, according to Duchesne County prosecutors. During her interview with a sheriff’s investigator, the girl said she told the bishop she wanted to obtain a protective order against her abuser and his mother so she wouldn’t be “terrorized,” according to the interview transcript. The teen boy was no longer living in the community, however, and Moon questioned whether a protective order was necessary, the girl said. “And then he said that I need to think about what (the boy) is going through, and I don’t need to start telling the cops or anything because he’s already going to have to go through a bunch of repentance and all that stuff,” the girl told the investigator.” (Source) After the Steubenville rape cases became public, this was said on an CNN news reports:“Incredibly difficult, even for an outsider like me, to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures, star football players, very good students, literally watched as they believed their lives fell apart…when that sentence came down, [Ma’lik] collapsed in the arms of his attorney…He said to him, ‘My life is over. No one is going to want me now.’ Very serious crime here, both found guilty of raping the sixteen-year-old girl at a series of parties back in August.“ (Source) “The dress of a woman has a powerful impact upon the minds and passions of men. If it is too low or too high or too tight, it may prompt improper thoughts, even in the mind of a young man who is striving to be pure. Men and women can look sharp and be fashionable, yet they can also be modest. Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for.” (Source: Elder Callister’s March 2014 Ensign Article)

Alright. Let’s take those examples apart. In example 1, a woman was in a bar. A drunk police officer enters, and gropes her. The police officer gets punished. However, the judge also tells the woman that if she wouldn’t have been in the bar, this may not have happened.

Now, you may nod your head in agreement. It’s true. Bad things CAN happen at bars. People drink at bars. And drunk people do not always make the best decisions. Like that drunk police officer. And if the woman wouldn’t have been at that bar, that particular drunk police officer probably wouldn’t have groped her (he might have just groped another woman who was foolish enough to be out and about as an adult). Those things are certainly true.

Here’s the problem though. The comment by the judge implies that the woman was somehow partially at fault for what happened. She somehow could have or should have made a different/better choice. And somehow that different/better choice would have led to a different/better outcome. It suggests that if she would have been, oh, let’s say at a nice little restaurant, or the public library, this wouldn’t have happened. This is false! Women have gotten and get assaulted in all kinds of places, but most typically they actually get assaulted at home or in work places (sources here). This woman could have been just walking up to her house, while the drunk police officers was leaving a neighbor’s house, and could have gotten groped. To suggest that a different choice would have kept her safer puts some of the blame on her (because she didn’t make the better/smarter/safer choice). We call this victim-blaming. But further, we believe that this tendency to not put the responsibility of the violation squarely and solely on the perpetrator rape culture. The truth is that no one was responsible for the groping other than the police officer. The woman did not ask to be groped. Her presence in a bar was not an open invitation for that behavior. Her attractiveness is not an open invitation. Her wearing a skirt is not an open invitation. Unless she says “please grope me”, nothing indicates that she wants to be groped. She is not at fault for being groped, just because she’s at a bar.

Think about it this way. You’re visiting friends on New Years Eve. While driving home with your family in your nice family minivan, you’re hit by a drunk driver. You were going about 5-10 miles over the speed limit, but road conditions were good, and you paid attention to your surroundings. Your family and you survive the crash, but some of your kids are in critical condition. The whole thing ends up in court. The drunk driver is found guilty. He loses his license. But now you’re being asked why on earth you were on the road. ON NEW YEARS EVE! Why did you not stay home? Why were you going 5 miles over? They tell you that if you would have stayed home, your kids wouldn’t be in the hospital.

Imagine how you would feel? Interestingly, even though we have a fair number of drunk driving incidents, we never blame those being hit by drunk drivers for being on the road. Yet, when women go out at night, or go out alone, or go to a bar, or go anywhere where something could happen (which can be anywhere), we ask them what they were doing. Like it’s somehow their fault. THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. We’re not asking the perpetrator what he was doing out assaulting or raping. We don’t ask the police officer what possessed him to get drunk, and then grope a woman on top of it. No. We expect that women somehow make sure they do not cross the path of someone who will harm them.

Example 2 is the story of a bishop who advised a teenage girl to not seek further action against a boy who had sexually assaulted her. I’m sure the Bishop meant well. But there are two aspects that could be displaying rape culture. The first one is very subtle, and could be argued to be a legalistic matter. The news report states that the man was “accused” of not reporting the sexual abuse. Maybe that is the proper term when someone has not officially been found guilty. However, at the point of the report it had already become evident that the Bishop in fact did not report the assault. Yet, the article is not clearly stating the failures of the Bishop, and its potential implications for the victim. Its language is cautionary on the side of the offender. This offender though has failed a young woman who was assaulted. Who should get more consideration? A young teenager who became a victim of assault, or an adult man who failed (even if out of ignorance) to properly assist this young woman?

When our language subtly implies that someone’s ignorant mistakes are more important to consider than the person who was sexually assaulted – THAT IS RAPE CULTURE. It’s a mindset where what happened isn’t bad enough for us to side clearly, firmly, and obviously with the victim rather than anyone else who was involved in the situation. The Bishop’s advice to the young woman further shows that at least this particular Bishop does not value what happened to the girl as serious enough to demand serious consequences for the young man. The thought that Church discipline is enough of a consequence for that teenage boy fails to consider the harm done to the girl. He did not just break a spiritual commandment. He also broke the law and violated personal boundaries in a very serious and harmful way. Yet the Bishop felt no need to take action. He did not show in his actions that he understood or contemplated the harm that had come to the young woman, and the seriousness of violating someone’s boundaries in that manner. This lack of attaching serious actions to something that should be seen as serious – THAT IS RAPE CULTURE.

Not convinced? Ok, let’s talk about example 3. This was an exchange between two anchors on CNN after the trials of the Steubenville rape cases. If you’re not familiar with the Steubenville rapes, google it or read this.

When you read the words from the anchors it may have resonated with you. It is indeed rather sad when someone who’s had a promising future ahead has done something that will permanently and negatively alter the course of their lives. Yes, that is a tragedy. But when we’re more distraught over the ruined lives of the perpetrators than the ruined life of the victim – what does that say about our focus? What does it say about how we view the act that was committed?

Let me put this in perspective. Imagine you’re reading a news article where a father decapitates his disabled 7-year old son over the kitchen sink (this just happened, but it was such a gruesome story, I won’t even link to it). Imagine that up to this point, the father seemed like a decent guy, who has never broken the law. And BAM! Suddenly this. You read this, and you’re shocked. Who are you grieving for in that moment? The poor innocent child who died a violent death? Or the “poor father” who now has permanently ruined his life? Do you see what I’m getting at? It’s certainly tragic that a father would murder his kid. Yes. And it’s certainly tragic that not only did we lose the life of a beautiful child, but also have another person who’s life is basically over. It’s certainly true that horrible acts have wide-reaching effects. All that is true.

However, when we’re talking so much about the poor dad, or in the example I gave, those young kids who were so great, and now just ruined their lives, and we’re not talking about the ruined life of the victim, we’re indirectly communicating that what happened to the victim isn’t that bad. That somehow rape is bad, because it ruins your own life, and that’s sad. It indirectly communicates or silences the deep harm and damage that has been inflicted on the victim as if that’s not the real tragedy that occurred. It makes assault survivors think that they do not matter as much, and perpetrators feel like it’s just a tragic misstep, and not a violent crime against another human being that will ruin those peoples’ lives irreversibly. THIS IS RAPE CULTURE! It’s subtle. And it’s usually not done willfully. It’s just a subconscious expression about what place rape (or sexual assault in general) plays in our society. It’s bad, but it’s not that bad, and it’s mostly bad for those who get caught doing it.

Alright. Now let’s go to example 4 – a quote from Elder Callister’s article. I know some people were seriously stumped as to what this has to do with rape culture. After all, he isn’t even talking about rape, or anything close to it. Right. So, why would anyone say this quote is related to rape culture.

In the first example I tried to show how rape culture happens when we attach a sexual behavior to the victim – in this case it happened when it was suggested that the woman would not have gotten groped if she had been somewhere else. In the second and third example I tried to show that rape culture is also when our language or actions seem more concerned with the perpetrator, either by pitying them and thinking about their pain vs. the victim’s, or simply by not using language that clearly states the wrong they have done.

With that in mind, read the fourth quote again. Elder Callister is suggesting several things. He implies that:

women can help men keep their thoughts pure by dressing modestly

women have a powerful influence on men’s minds

women will get the men they dress for

It’s probably true that we’re impacted by others’ dress to some degree. We’re all human, and are all impacted in some way by other humans around us. So, I’m not going to argue that how we dress has 0 impact on anyone. The issue is that Elder Callister does not make it clear that despite any impact, the responsibility of how we act on any distractions (whether that’s an attractive woman, or man, or chocolate on the table, or a new video game, or a stash of cash dropping out of someone’s pocket) is on us, and us alone nor does he account for the fact that ALL of us are influenced by others (regardless of sex). When you say that women have a powerful influence on men’s minds, it sounds like men can be overpowered by women, that they could become victims of our influences. When it’s tied to clothing in particular, along with rhetoric that suggests that our clothes elicit sexual thoughts in men, it eventually implies that a woman who gets assaulted may have contributed to this by overpowering a man with her attractive influence. She looked too sexy, too pretty, too…and the man could not help himself.

The wording itself that women influence men with their clothes, implies that women are directly connected to men’s behaviors and thoughts. He could have said that men’s minds can easily be distracted by what they see. But he’s not speaking about men’s easy distractability, because that’s not the problem to him. Instead of addressing the issues from an approach that puts the problem with the men (men are easily distracted), he makes women the source of the problem (women are distracting). And rape culture is when we free perpetrators to some degree of their responsibility and put some of the blame with the victim. In this case, we’re making women responsible for what men end up thinking. Women are not responsible for men’s thoughts. Men are. And men are not responsible for women’s thoughts. Women are. Our culture often still looks at women in a case of rape and inquires about their dress, and wonders if the woman could have avoided rape if she would have dressed differently. This very thinking has been defined as rape culture. And it’s the same thinking Elder Callister displays – that if women dress a certain way, the men will not think bad things. But if they do wear something too tight or short (and who gets to define what “too short/tight” is?), men will probably think bad things – as if men have no control in the matter, or no responsibility.

At this point you may still think that as considerate human beings, we should still seek to do our part by striving to be less distracting in our clothing choices if we can. Ok. Let’s look at that (because I’m a fan of being considerate). Try to imagine a setting where there’s a family with a dad who has a real anger problem. He’s hit his spouse before. He’s lashed out at his kids. This family is now trying to help dad not lose it. They try to get a sense for his mood when he comes home. They try to have the house clean, not yell, not make any noise or do anything else they can think of that may potentially set Dad off. Yet, they keep failing, because Dad’s mood is erratic and what sets him off one day, does not set him off the next day. In such an abusive home, would you ever think that it was right and proper of the family to try and guess the things they need to do to not set Dad off? They may have to do this to survive, and in some instances it may work and help keep Dad calm – that we’d probably all agree on. But I think anyone would also agree that the problem is the Dad. He needs to learn to not get angry. He has to learn to not beat his wife when the house is a mess (or the kids are crying, or the dinner is gross, or whatever else). He, and he alone has to learn to get a grip on his behavior. It is not reasonable, nor fair, to ask everyone around him to somehow guess all the time what they need to do in order to not trigger Dad’s anger. Likewise, I don’t think we can expect women, or anyone really, to figure out how to dress so it does not trigger someone else’s inappropriate thoughts. It would be so different from person to person – for one man it may be just knee-length shorts, and a t-shirt, for the next it’d have to be red heels and a see-through top, and for another one, it’s a shoulder bag that is strapped over a woman’s chest. We’re not responsible for making sure we don’t set others off. If we have family members or close friends of whose needs we are aware, and we try to work around them, then that’s very considerate and kind. But to try to guess what will set of random people is completely unrealistic, nor appropriate.

Elder Callister’s last comment is the most damaging though. By stating that a woman gets the man she dresses for, he basically says that if you dress modestly, you will get a man who treats you with respect. It is completely ignorant of all the women who may have dressed modestly, and still got raped. Or women who have been modest and virtuous, but are married to abusive and violent husbands (who are returned missionaries and/or bishops/stake presidents). It essentially says that you reap what you sow. And if you’re being treated badly, if you’re being ogled, ignored, groped, assaulted, raped or married to a jerk – it’s probably because you did not dress modestly. It says it’s your fault if you’re being mistreated, because of what you wore. Because you get the guy you dress for. And that is the epitome of rape culture.

He may not have meant to communicate that. But that is the message that filters through. It’s a message of rape culture – a thing where we blame the victims for some of the horrible things that happened to them. And this culture, with its victim blaming, is what pushes many victims of assault and rape into cycles of depression, drug abuse, and sometimes even suicide. They drown in guilt and shame over what happened to them, because their environment subtly tells them that somehow it was their fault, too. Instead of us rallying around those who need our support now to heal, we push the ugliness of the act aside, by pointing at least some fingers at the victim – sometimes without realizing it.

THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. And it’s time we stop perpetuating it.

Additional resources:

What is rape culture?

Misconceptions about rape culture

Rape Culture 101

Some Statistics on Sexual Violence

Understanding Victim Blaming