Tw/cw: rape, survivor thoughts, sex

I often complain about not having sex in so long but sometimes I know I really want intimacy and not necessarily sex and definitely not penetrative sex. Sometimes I think about penetrative sex with cis men and cis men’s desires and it makes me sick. Like literally grossed out. I’m like you want to stick your what in my what? I dunno. It makes me feel so childish but just it often makes me call back to all the cis men who’ve wanted to do just that and did so without my permission or consent. And like men in generals desires are often just so disgusting, like ew. Like for me I’m realizing that sex and rape look very much the same for me. So separating the two can often be hard. Like I’ve had sex in the same ways I’ve been raped and I’ve been raped in the same ways I’ve had sex. And it’s a hard reality to come to terms with. It’s been so hard to call myself a survivor because most of my rape was done through coercion and the fear of violence but not the actual presence of violence (I’ve never been hit or harmed for sex though I do believe their has been a threat of violence to myself or loved ones when I was young that I’ve blocked out). But the reality is, any instance I said no and then was convinced otherwise or berated otherwise, anytime the man was significantly older than me and pursued me first, anytime alcohol and/or weed and money was used as incentive to loosen guards to make consent blurry and impossible is all rape. And like I get so sad and ashamed and disgusted when I think of all the times that I could call that as happening to me. And like even before I ever had sex, unwanted sexual contact on the part of boys my age and men older than me. Like it’s all a hot mess. And a lot of that sex that was also rape was not much different than consentual sex in the ways it is done and performed. And than the shame and disgust I feel for going back to one of my rapists and having sex with them and the feelings of sexual arousal that still came with most of the experiences. Most didn’t hurt. Most felt alright. Some even good sometimes. But not how or what I wanted. And it’s a big messy problem I’m trying to figure out. It makes my entire sexual life a mess even though I barely have one. Even masturbating is hard and my meds make it hard as fuck to bust a nut. I don’t know where I’m going with all this but I needed to get it off of my chest and out of me even though I’ll still be feeling this a lot for a long time.