Well, well, well. Just when we thought Sanditon would bob, it weaved, when we thought it would zig, it slapped us across the face, laughing, and screamed, “you dare try to predict my outcomes, you fools?!?! Hahahaha, go drink some milk from my asses!”

This show got me. It really did. I thought the Mean Old Rich Lady was done for. NOPE. I thought Lady Susan was a delightful one-time cameo. NOPE. I thought Sidney’s ex-hussy (not a hussy) would be a romantic foil until the very last minute. NOPE. I thought Sir Queefbag would run off with all the money and chase his dream of being a regency “influencer”.

I have never been happier to be so wrong.

All the main characters gathered into a room to hear the news that Mean Old Rich Lady was not long for this world. Tom was displeased, considering her investment is the only thing keeping him and his family from dancing for coins on the street. Charlotte seemed sad because she has general empathy towards others. And Clara and Sir Boogerlips seemed sad because they were putting on an elaborate show.

Sidney tried to cheer Georgiana up, but she was NOT having it. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that he’s nice now.

Clara went ahead and told Esther everything about burning the will and having gross sex on a snake floor, and you guys… I’m confused. Wasn’t this the leverage Clara had over Sir Narcissist? She would get hush money if she didn’t tell Esther about their night of upsetting sexual relations? Maybe she figured if Esther leaves them alone she will get more of the money, OR maybe she figured the plot needed a little push. Either way, Esther knows now, and she used her dying aunt as a counselor.

She told Mean Old Rich Lady errrrrrrrything, but it doesn’t matter because she’s dying anyway *wink*.

After a cute little walk-and-talk where Sidney admitted he has human emotions and Charlotte told him she would keep his secret (tee hee), he had the AUDACITY to bring his new-old hussy (not a hussy) to Tom’s.

Judging by the apologetic look her gave our girl, he KNEW what he was doing, and just… dammit, SIDNEY.

My crush Doctor Fuchs announced that the Mean Old Rich Lady is totally fine, and everyone was just so HAPPY about it.

Sidney was showing his new-old hussy (not a hussy) around when they happened upon Charlotte building a sandcastle with Tom’s kids. Eliza ain’t no fool, she knows an Austenian heroine when she sees one, so jealously instinctively flared immediately.

“Yes, well done children.” I don’t love the trope that good characters are awesome with kids whereas bad undesirable characters are not good with kids, but whatever, I’ll buy into it, SHE’S NOT EVEN GOOD WITH KIDS, SIDNEY, SHE’S OBVIOUSLY AN EVIL HUSSY (not an evil hussy).

Diana tried to convince Arthur not to compete in the regatta because of… I don’t know, getting wet? Sweating leads to the mumps? He would breathe too hard, or perhaps enjoy himself a little? Diana is really getting my goat, you guys. He wants out of the nest, girl, let him fly! What happened to the Parker parents that made Diana THIS overprotective of Arthur? Gimme that backstory!

Anyway, they spied a certain glorious queen arriving and rushed to tell Tom, but it was all for naught, for Lady Susan only wanted the hot goss from Charlotte.

She is such an unabashed #Sidlotte shipper, and shall go to any means to see this ship sail. And can you blame her??

Mean Old Rich Lady heard everything! Who knows what Sir Assbrain said when he was in there for so long, but we certainly know what Esther said, and it was enough to inspire Mean Old Rich Lady to send both Clara and Sir Shitbreath packing. What a development!! Honestly, I did not see this coming, so well done you, Sanditon.

Poor sweet, beautiful, gold-hearted Stringer. He took her on a walk for their “more substantial” conversation, thinking it was going to turn into some love declarations, but alas, Charlotte waxed on about Sidney, and we watched as Stringer’s heart broke in front of our horrified eyes.

Am I allowed to ship them both? I want her to simultaneously live happily ever after with both Sidney and Stringer. What do you think Austen’s thoughts were on polyandry?

I didn’t think it was possible for me to love Arthur Parker any more than I already did, but then he went and made sure Georgiana got out of the house for a little bit of fun during the regatta, and my heart exploded all over the treehouse I’m squatting in. His adorable admission that there IS NO duck race, and it was a RUSE… *sigh*. Give this man the happiest of endings, please.

Sidney invited Charlotte on a totally platonic boat ride so he could limber up for the race and touch her hands while making intense eye contact, and discuss the pros and cons of marrying his ex hussy (not a hussy). Just super platonic, basically. Then the ex-hussy (not a hussy) saw them and also thought it was just very platonic, so she wasn’t threatened at all, which is why she called out his name to make him stop immediately.

Sir Titface acted like he and Esther had planned this outcome all along, that Esther would inherit Mean Old Rich Lady’s money and the two of them would continue living as they are; with her supporting him financially, and him abusing her emotionally. FAT CHANCE, BUB. She kicked him to the curb and I actually pulled a muscle pumping my fist in the air with such exuberant triumph. YES, ESTHER, YOU TOTAL BOSS.

The hussy (not a hussy) tried to degrade Charlotte by implying that she’s too dumb and simple to mingle within polite society, let alone marry into it. Lady Susan tried to clap back on Charlotte’s behalf, but the damage was done, and Charlotte left feeling pretty bummed. Okay, she may not be a hussy, but that bish is VERY MEAN, and probably doesn’t have a lot of female friends.

Sidney ran after her and tried to pull her back in to the drama, but our girl is better than that, and was like, “naw, I’m out.” She has far too much self respect to continue flirting with a taken man. Charlotte deserves to be number one in his heart, and she knows this. Not only will our girl NOT beg for attention, she will actively deny it.

“Please, be kind enough to leave me alone.”

I love her so much.

Stringer watched this all go down like a handsome charming creeper, which leads us to suspect that perhaps he hasn’t quite given up his heart’s desire.

Then it was time for the big exciting boat race thing!

Crow! Stop stealing every moment you’re on screen with your alluring and mysterious demons! Ugh, anyway, Stringer’s team won, which THANK HEAVENS, amiright? I don’t think I can handle any more heartbreak for that beautiful soul.

Lady Susan gave Charlotte a parting pep-talk that went a little something like; “you do know that you’re the heroine, right?” Please please please make Lady Susan a regular in season 2!

After a cute moment between Tom and Mary where Tom gave her all the praise and respect that beautiful treasure deserves, we got a juxtaposition of a couple that just isn’t gonna cut it, folks.

Eliza laid it on pretty thick, saying that she basically never wants Sidney out of her sight again (honestly don’t blame you, girl). Sidney was all, “yeahhhhhhhh, about that…” and sent her packing. BYE HUSSY (not a hussy). Look, she was rather rude to Charlotte, but we can’t blame a girl for shooting her shot, especially now that she’s bowing out gracefully.

You guys… I didn’t want this. Sir Pizzaface, sure, I wanted him to eat a bag of spiders, but Clara… not so much. Was she my favorite? No. But let’s look at her sins, shall we? She kept an old woman company, antagonized someone she should’ve befriended (Clara and Esther should have teamed up, I will die on this hill), and she seduced her rival. Yes, she slept with sir Tootsbreath knowing how Esther felt about him, but she did that girl a huge favour. She also burned Mean Old Rich Lady’s will, and that was a DICK MOVE, but she was ultimately just trying to keep herself out of a terrible situation. This was survival. Clara was abused at a young age, which forced her to use her intelligence to escape, and she was demonized for it.

Sure, she went about things the wrong way, but how could she have learned otherwise? How could she trust in the kindness of the people closest to her?

I think this scene, the two fallen villains, was supposed to feel like victory, but it didn’t. I wanted more for Clara. I wanted her to go on a journey. Perhaps we’re meant to feel bad for her, like we did for Otis, but I don’t think so. I truly, sincerely hope this show gets a continuation, and I truly sincerely hope Clara’s story is revisited.

Moving on. In his drunken stupour, Sir Toefungus bitched about Esther to Babs, which of course sent Babs running to Esther with the realization that she may be dealing with some emotional stress. And boy howdy was he correct! She was not having a great time, so Babs extolled her virtues, telling her that her worth is not tied to her villain ‘brother’, and she is a boss-ass-bitch who can do and be whatever in the sweet heck she wants to do and be.

“Your brother will not make a victim out of you. I will not allow it.” If this ship does not sail, I swear to CHRIST.

Welp! Roll credits! Sidney basically declared his love for Charlotte and then left her gaping after him. Okay, so he wasn’t like, “take me I’m yours,” but he DID say that he’s his best self around her, and that’s basically the same thing.

You guyyyyyyyyyys!

Remember a couple of recaps ago when I said everyone was living within their respective cages? Well now, heading into the last episode of the first season, it seems the residents of Sanditon have pulled a Shawshank. Sure, they had to crawl through some poop first, but they’re on their way to sweet, sweet freedom. Esther is clawing her way out of Sir Shitbag’s manipulative influence, Tom’s financial woes seem to be clearing up, Arthur seems more willing to defy Diana’s suffocating over-protection, and even Georgiana left her fortress of heartbreak.

As for our main characters, Sidney is free of his past romantic baggage, and Charlotte is free to follow her heart, shedding not a cage, but her past naivete.

If this was a limited series, I would be very excited for our Austenian happy ending. However, I know the story has been left incomplete (if the twitter campaign to get the show a second season is any indication), so I am instead VERY SCARED for how the story is going to take these triumphs and turn them into even more turmoil to be solved in a continuation.

Yet my masochistic heart is still very pumped for next week’s season 1 finale, if only to see Esther bloom outside of Sir Stankbreath’s gross shadow.

SOME STUFF

“I truly hope you find happiness in heaven. Because this Earth has become a living hell.” The characters have become so dramatically over-the-top and I love every second of it.

There was a real theme of “talking to the person crushing on you about your romantic woes with another person,” this episode. We have ALL been that sad sack helping our crush find love somewhere else, and I felt this SO HARD.

I was not angry with yet another scene of Sidney swimming naked in the sea, but it did raise some questions – was there no rock he could put his clothes on? Does he always just leave them there on the sand? What if a scamp comes by and steals them? And after, does he just walk around in wet, sandy clothes for the rest of the day? Like, just bring a basket or something, dude!

“I found dying highly disagreeable and I have no intention of repeating the experience ,” haha Mean Old Rich Lady, never change.

Tom betrayed us all and was #TeamHussy (not a hussy), but our dear sweet prince Arthur didn’t let us down, saying that Sidney should think twice before trusting someone who broke his heart. I wanted to hug him (more than I always do). #ArthurKnowsBest

Stop hurting Stringer! When Charlotte wished him luck before the race, it looked like his poor little heart was going to claw its way out of his chest and jump into the lake.

Speaking of: “Thank you sir. Not the prize I was hoping for.” These boys just put it all out there, don’t they?

“Is that not my brothers’ boat in the lead??” I legit forget that Diana is the sister of Tom and Sidney as well. She’s only ever seen with Arthur, so I sort of feel like she’s HIS sister only. If there’s a season 2 (please let there be a season 2), I hope we see her interact with the rest of her family.

On a scale of 1 to “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”, how much are you looking forward to / dreading the last episode of season 1?

OKAY BYE FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!