✒I can't work out the current abuse for secularists now coming from various religious groups. I know of no wars started by anyone to impose lack of religion on someone else. We have lethal Sunni v Shia, Catholic against Protestant, but no agnostic suicide bombers attack crowded atheist pubs. Their implication seems to be that it's important to have a faith, any faith, rather than none.

Every time humanists try to get a slot on Thought For the Day on Radio 4, they are told it's reserved for "the faith community", whatever that is. Yet TfT is almost always pabulum about how God wants us all to love each other and care for the unfortunate. I'm sure humanists would say much the same, without God.

If religious people were serious, they ought to use the slot to say what they really mean. "You know, it's not enough to do good works throughout your life. Unless you accept Jesus as your personal saviour, you will spend eternity in the fiery pit …"

✒Mind you, I was brought up short by a Catholic friend this week. "If it's such a scandal to have babies aborted because they're the wrong gender, why is it all right to have them aborted just because they're inconvenient?" I struggled to find an answer.

✒Adele's finger-flip at the Brit awards reminded me of a story told me by a friend who was at Oxford, where she knew David Cameron. My friend is a traditional lefty, and Cameron was then a rightwing Thatcherite. During an argument, he hoisted his middle finger up in the air, and said "Sit, and swivel!" Well, we all say things we wish we hadn't, late at night, somewhat pissed, at university.

✒A menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for up to £100,000 when it's auctioned next month. It's the first-class lunch menu and was kept by an American passenger who was later rescued.

What surprised me was how dull it was compared with almost any modern menu. There is something called consommé fermier, but apart from being "farmer's clear soup" it's unclear what this was. Eggs Argenteuil were scrambled with asparagus, which might be nice, but the choice of mashed, baked or fried potatoes was workaday, and the cold meats, including mutton, brawn, bologna sausage and tongue, rather off-putting.

The salad choice was lettuce, beetroot and tomato. Far from being the last word in luxury it was like a modern Garfunkels, or Harvester. "Have you been to a Harvester before?" they ask, to which Jeremy Hardy says the only reply is "surely nobody comes here twice?"

"Have you eaten on the Titanic before?"

"No, and we won't be back."

✒We've been to a couple of art exhibitions lately. I enjoyed the David Hockney at the Royal Academy far more than I expected. Postcard size illustrations look childish, but the sheer size and the setting create a sensational cascade of colours. I was raised in East Yorkshire and always thought the local countryside rather boring, but the artist's eye turns fields, lanes, trees and even cow parsley into a small paradise.

The Picasso at the Tate I'll leave to my art critic colleagues. But I was fascinated by odd details. In 1919 Picasso designed the costumes for Diaghilev's production of The Three Cornered Hat at the Alhambra theatre. In the programme it says, "Patrons are invited to refrain from smoking, as far as possible." Quelle delicatesse!

✒A bumper collection of labels and lunatic language. Tony Fisher bought a non-stick roasting pan at Tesco, and was delighted to learn that "our technically trained advisers will help you get the best out of your electrical purchase". He hasn't yet phoned; "don't forget to turn the oven on" might help.

Dominic Fisher was startled to receive a package by Parcelforce, addressed to "Dominic Fisher and Christ". It puzzled him until he clocked that his partner is called Christine.

Paul Brown bought a door knocker from a company called Prior's Reclamation. It warned, "not for external use." Dennis Massey went to the dentist and saw a sign on the wall next to some equipment. "Automatic External Defibrilator, for emergency use only," it said. "Rules out a bit of fun in the coffee break, then," he writes.

Lucy Pollard needed a part for her Miele vacuum cleaner. Miele sent the part, with a note saying they did not include fitting instructions, "because of Health and Safety laws".

Deborah Kent was completely baffled when she logged on to a website called transportdirect.info. It told her – and this has a fine existential feel – "Note: certain combinations of outward and return journeys would result in you needing to leave your destination before arriving at it."

This is seriously baffling: Ken Wales and his wife have been married for a long time, but still give each other Valentine's Day cards. This year Ken went to WH Smith, where he found a card saying "I love you." He writes, "perfect message, tasteful decoration. When I got it home, I found that it contained three identical cards and envelopes." Clearly the "Casanova" line.

✒The tide of gibberish rolls on. Alan Critchley was shopping at an arcade in Chelmsford, Essex. In the centre was a sign saying, "Changing Chelmsford: a collaborative visionary process." He has not the faintest idea what this means.

An anonymous reader has sent a leaflet about a proposed new free school in Oxford, trendily entitled ONschool. It should open next year. It plans to show that "intergenerational understanding can develop and bridges in the community are sustained and built on social justice … children will develop esafety [sic] behaviours and work through ethical considerations in social networking and global citizenship and the digital divide." Would you send your child to a school whose principals could use language like that?