Kip Eliason

I have written previously about how it is possible to take normal human experiences and so completely demonize them that they become a source of great psychological trauma. (see the Illustrious Burden of the Sharp Toothed Snail ). The following story, in particular, brings this point home.

On March 2, 1982 distraught and filled with self-hate over his inability to stop masturbating, Kip Eliason, age 16,committed suicide. Before asphyxiating himself, Kip left his father a note:

“Dear Dad,I love you more than what words can say. If it were possible, I would stay alive for only you, for I really only have you. But it isn’t possible. I must first love myself, and I do not. The strange feeling of darkness and self-hate overpowers all my defenses. I must unfortunately yield to it. This turbulent feeling is only for a few to truly understand. I feel that you do not comprehend the immense feeling of self-hatred I have. This is the only way I feel that I can relieve myself of these feelings now. Carry on with your life and be happy. I love you more than words can say.—Your son, Kip”

Kip joined the Mormon church at age eleven. Upon turning twelve he entered the young men program of the church. During these early years of puberty he was exposed to Mormon teachings about sexuality and morality. His story is remarkable and the resulting court case may have something to do with the fact that the LDS youth program, manuals and statements from General Authorities have been significantly muted on Masturbation compared to when I was growing up in the 1980’s.

This article from Journalist Mark A Taylor published in1986 is the most complete account currently available – I encourage anyone who works with youth, is a parent of youth or is a youth to read it:





Here Kip’s father and brother recount his experience:

Doctrinal and Prophetic Justification

Why would a young person feel that their life was worth losing over what they have been taught is sexual sin? Perhaps some of the following statements by LDS leaders have played a role:

“Some years ago the First Presidency said to the youth of the Church, “Better dead, clean, than alive, unclean” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1942, p. 89). I remember how my father impressed the seriousness of unchastity upon my mind. He and I were standing in the railroad station in Rexburg, Idaho, in the early morning of November 12, 1920. We heard the train whistle and knew that in three minutes I would be on my way to Australia to fill a mission. In that short interval my father said to me, among other things, “My son, you are going a long way from home. But your mother and I, your brother and sisters, will be with you constantly in our thoughts and prayers, we shall rejoice with you in your successes, and we shall sorrow with you in your disappointments. When you are released and return, we shall be glad to greet you and welcome you back into the family circle. But remember this, my son, we would rather come to this station and take your body off the train in a casket than to have you come home unclean, having lost your virtue.” I pondered that statement at the time. I did not then have the full understanding of it that my father had, but I have never forgotten it.”

(Marion G Romney, 2nd Counselor in 1st Presidency, April 1979 General Conference, lds.org)

Kip would have been 13 years old when he listened to this revered man of God teach this principle in the general conference of the church in 1979.

” There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or a daughter than to have him or her lose his or her virtue—realizing that virtue is of more value than anything else in all the wide world”

(President Heber J Grant, Oct 1944 General Conference, archive.org)

With such high stakes placed on “virtue” (i.e. sexual moral purity) is it surprising that sincere young men who want to please God may experience such anguish?

“Your virtue is worth more than your life. Please, young folk, preserve your virtue even if you lose your lives.”

(President David O McKay as quoted by Spencer W Kimball, “The Miracle of Forgiveness”, pg. 63, archive.org)

Here a prophet makes a pro-active statement telling youth exactly what to do when face with a choice. A young man that struggles with his inability to refrain from masturbation may come to the conclusion that he is powerless to overcome it – making the choice between losing his life and “preserving his virtue” a dire ultimatum.

“Loss of virtue is too great a price to pay even for the preservation of one’s life – better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or a daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction: “I would rather have you come back in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it.”

(Bruce R. McConkie, “Mormon Doctrine”, 2nd edition, pg. 124 archive.org)

How is a young person who is just experiencing the powerful biological effects of their sexual development able to put these statements into context in their lives? Here they are told that faithful LDS parents should have this attitude of prioritizing sexual moral purity over life. Masturbation is anything but sexually pure according to LDS teachings. If their own parents are more understanding of the difficulties the youth has, now the youth have a reason to believe that their parents are not being as faithful as they should be. Imagine how Kip might have seen his father’s attempts to alleviate his guilt and shame in this context.

“…for we have received instructions from our youth, that the boy shall be as clean and as chaste as the girl ; that there is no double standard, and that each of us regards preservation of chastity as more precious than life itself”

(Apostle Melvin J Ballard, October 1937 General Conference, archive.org)

Here we learn that the same deathly warnings apply to both boys and girls.

“And now you young people – May I directly entreat you to be chaste. Please believe me when I say that chastity is worth more than life itself. This is the doctrine my parents taught me ; it is truth. Better die chaste than live unchaste. The salvation of your very souls is concerned in this.”

(J. Reuben Clark, 1st Counselor in 1st Presidency, October 1938 General Conference, archive.org)

The leaders of the church are the ones that members look to for truth. If you confront leaders today with this issue, they will certainly not go to the extent that these prior prophets and apostles have. Why is that? Has “truth” that J. Reuben Clark declared in 1938 or Romney described in 1979 changed in the intervening years? Have they disavowed this teaching?

Echoes of Blood Atonement

You may notice some similarity between the teachings of the church leaders here and those covered in the article on Blood Atonement. In fact, if the LDS leaders had truly believed those early prophets, then they might actually congratulate young Kip for having the courage to take his salvation into his own hands

“man may commit certain grievous sins—according to his light and knowledge—that will place him beyond the reach of the atoning blood of Christ. If then he would be saved he must make sacrifice of his own life to atone—so far as in his power lies—for that sin, for the blood of Christ alone under certain circumstances will not avail” (Doctrines of Salvation, by Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City, 1954, vol. 1, pp. 133-136, archive.org)

The parallels between the “better dead clean than alive dirty” idea and blood atonement are chilling. The represent an example of how a pernicious doctrine can seemingly disappear and yet be revealed to have woven itself into the fabric of the church.

Manipulations

In reality, such teachings are destructive. By taking a universal experience of normal human development and demonizing it, LDS leader create a lever of guilt and shame that can be used to control and manipulate church members. Each member keeps their secret shame hidden from others and believes that they are the only one who is unable to overcome the sin. If they do not have the spiritual experiences that they are taught they should be having, then they attribute it to their failure in “virtue”. They leaders tell them to read more, pray more, pay more, attend more meetings, and so on in order to overcome their weaknesses and so the members do just that in order to attempt to suppress their “sin”.

Ultimately the members either become excellent at lying in their various interviews (which are highly inappropriate to begin with) or they are honest and end up receiving multiple probations wherein they are forbidden from taking sacrament or holding certain callings. Ward members then see that there is something wrong with the member, and their imaginations are free to fill in whatever details come to mind. This sequence of events is not unique. Many former Mormon’s relate similar stories. There are former Bishops who have recounted stories of disciplining youth for the very sin that they themselves engaged in regularly.

Conclusion

Where in Christ’s ministry did he tell his followers that they should rather choose death than succumb to sin? The whole point of Christ’s atonement was to save people from sin – which Christians acknowledge all have committed. The central Christian message is that by turning one’s life over to Christ everyone can have their sin and guilt taken from them by Christ. Therein lies the peace and healing that are so characteristic of the Christian message. There should be no room for ultimatums of purity or death if you are actually Christian.

What do you do when you discover that your church, which claims to be Christian, completely misses the point of Christ’s message? Sinead O’Connor has recently released a new single called “Take me to Church” her chorus is as follows:

“Yeah, take me to church

I’ve done so many bad things it hurts

Yeah, get me to church,

but not the ones that hurt

‘Cause that ain’t the truth

And that’s not what it’s for”

(Sinead O’Connor “Take me to Church”)

I agree with her.

With such extreme statements as “better dead clean than alive unclean” is it any wonder that there are stories such as Kip Eliasons? While most youth do not go so far as to commit suicide – would you want your own child to be one of the few who do? Fortunately the church has backed down from such strong statements about masturbation in recent decades. While not imposing a choice between life and death, the strong messages about “self abuse” remain as leaders who were raised on the prior rhetoric continue to repeat it in youth classes, interviews and firesides. The effect is much more likely to simply damage a young person’s self confidence and give them a futile view of their own standing before God. This is a tragedy in and of itself.

PS

More information about the evolution of LDS attitudes towards masturbation is covered in this excellent Mormon Studies article.