Fiancé Kid Issues When He Doesn’t See Kids




> I am not a very emotional person, my fiancé is, and he is very calm, doesn’t lose his temper or cuss. I met him during his divorce and helped him a lot in his efforts to get dual custody of his 4 kids. The divorce was 2 years long and so ugly. He was okay, but the kids mom accused him of so many things, called the police every single time he had visitation and tried to have him arrested often, but we always had witnesses and recordings, he was a very very good dad. The mom put me in a gun club online and took the registration to court to show the judge I had a gun and was trying to kill her (I have not ever shot a gun, or owned one). She also got a 2 wk job at my doctors office, altered my records then ran out with copies. We kept trying to get visitation with the kids, but it only got uglier, my fiance didn’t give up, but after 2 years, it took it’s toll and we had to break up because his kids were starting to attack my kids online calling me names and coming to my house. He moved out of state, and the mom told him the kids wanted to go with him. She moved the kids to his new place and then refused to leave. His mom passed away and he requested the mom not go to funeral which angered the kids, they attacked him, he didn’t fight back. Police came and saw he was marked up, and the kids had no scratch, but the mom and kids always have a rehearsed story, so they said it was him. He also had marks on his neck because his teen son tried twice to strangle him with wire while driving. The police suggested the mom and kids leave. He had no more relationship with the kids. We reconnected because he was back from his mom passing. We got back together almost 2 yrs ago, with the understanding that I’m not dealing with his kids and aside from him being a little emotionally needy, we are a good couple. I love him, he loves me. I find myself disliking the kids and I feel horrible about it, but I’ve said ugly things about them. I went from wanting to be the best step mom to “hate your kids”. His teen daughter had a baby this week. I have been terrified that he may want to reconnect with them. I keep asking him, are you tempted to see the baby? He says no. Today he went to see them. I understand wanting to see baby, but I stuck to my terms and ended the relationship. This is the 3rd time in last few months he has done things with/for kids without discussing w/me first. I would have supported him in seeing the baby, but he lied and snuck. What do I do?
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> Fiancé Kid Issues When He Doesn’t See Kids
A. If you are going to marry your fiancé, you will have to tolerate his children and ex-wife. It is unfair and unrealistic to ask him to cut ties with his children no matter how dysfunctional they or his ex-wife may be. He is their father and will likely have some involvement with them for the rest of his life.

You have a decision to make. If you decide to marry him, then accept that his family will be part of your life. If you don’t wish to be involved with his family, then strongly reconsider your decision to get married.

Every decision has consequences. Objectivity and clarity are of paramount importance when making major life decisions. It might be helpful to discuss this decision with a therapist. A therapist could assist you in thinking through what your life would be like with or without him and by extension with or without his family. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Fiancé Kid Issues When He Doesn’t See Kids
this is a common type of question, in esence, and there is no mystery about how to be helpful  be ubnderstanding, supportive, ask if there is something you can do to help, and above all listen to whatever he may want to discuss about his problems, if and when he wants to talk about it. sounds like you have already been very helpful about arrnaging for him to see a relevant doc, and support groups, etc. maybe he needs to take a bit more initiative about all this, himself ? presumably counselling would help him come to terms better with the divorce and the issues surrounding the children as a child, my mom divorced. it was horrible, the divorce put us poverty. the man she divorced was a good man. he paid more child support than he had to by law. (i wasn't his biological son)i don't blame my mom as she was mentally wired differently than he.they were both 20 when they married,, long story. i hear you and feel so sorry for you that it's not working out as you want... i hear you actually you're like a dear friend of mine...but i can't help but point out a few points. seriously, listen up i'm not trying to judge you or anything.. belive me. but you know it's so uncool of you to say that you've been used, since you both agreed to have sex, come on.. we're grown ups not underage girls.. how the heck the 'being used' part come from?(actually that kind of attitude might have freaked him out i think..) and also i don't really see what he has done wrong so far if it was clear you two were just friends with benefits. i mean seriously, he's not your boyfriend, and you're acting like as if he is.. but you know.. i completely understand that you're having hard time with your ex. you liked him so sweet and listened to you.. trying to understand what you're going throw.. your bf's hurting you, it's because i see girls who suffer from bad relationship and honestly? if he's no good for you and he's hurting you and if another guy help you get out of that deep hell, go for it(im selfish i know, sorry). but you aren't happy, because you found a wrong guy(not that he's wrong, it's just he is not a guy who can give you what you need and want) that made it clear that it was just sex, and you two are kinda friends(well you claim) which is fine. but you want him to be there for you, and be only with you no other girls. don't you see? why he's leaving you?how to change his mind.. honestly? after all these? that you freaked him out and you broke the rule of friends with benefits which is called 'feelings' with it's best friend 'jealousy', you were cheating on your boyfriend, and you said all your relationship with other guy? i don't see any possibilities(girls! don't you think it's a little bit unfair that to say i wanna be who i am , asking guys to be some kind of knights? ... )i hope you find another new sencere sweet boyfriend, i really do. but right now.. i really hate to say it but you and him? i don't think it's gonna happen. i'm so sorry... i think i haven't been any helpful but all mean words.. but i have dear friend who is going throw what you're going through...(at least it seems like to me..). and i really really hope you the best... really... a big hug.. find a guy who can give you want you want.. who can love you.. really..you be the dreamy girl... not despressed lonely girl... then right guy will come out..! First of all, you can't fight for a relationship your partner is not ready to protect. He's given it up and you fighting for it is completely useless at the moment..   
  
I understand what he's going through because my culture is strict since I'm Arab. So I undersyand how stressed and pressured he must feel for disobeying his parents. I bet he feels guilty enough for changing his religion, so having a girlfriend makes him feel even more guilty.   
  
If he chose to leave the relationship although he truly loved you then he has a good reason for it. I imagine he doesn't want you to have a bad future with him where his parents won't ever approve of your relationship, And he wants to avoid that family drama for your and his own good.   
  
U can have one last talk to him and tell him to rethink it because to be honest, right now this relationship depends solely on him. And I think he might have been really influenced by his parents so he made a rushed decision, maybe a wise one, but still rushed. If he takes his time he might change his mind. i would say they are a blessing cause it led me to the man i am with now. i started out on online dating really young. my parents were very strict no boyfriend until i am 18.. everyone at school had boyfriends and teased me cause i didn't so i went online and found a guy in indiana and dated him online from the time i was 16 to 18.. he came met me and my parents then i went to meet his parents and thats when i got the concussion that turned my life upside down.. when i was told i would never walk again (so thankful to god that turned out to be false) not even a week later he was gone and good riddance too! when i was 21 i moved to a new area and i grew up very sheltered so i had no idea what i was doing. i was going to be going to college soon after meeting 5 guys dylan, ryan, donald, justin and antonio.. dylan was the only one that understood it was just companionship i was wanting.. the rest wanted to sleep with me. had on my profile getting ready to go into my first year of college would like a loving, caring, thoughtful man by my side but hed have to know college will be my focus for these two years then we have the rest of our lives. but i realized that was too much to ask. went on many one meal dates after i was done college cameron, josh, matt, sean, scott, ben, will, andrew, curtis, trevor. nothing came of them all great guys just not great for me. tried to see dylan again but he wasn't interested he was more depressed couldnt shake him of it.. then i met david he was everything i wanted in his speech but he turned out to just be a fine talker and his actions didn't line up.. so it was hard to get rid of him dated a month took 2 to get in his head i wasn't interested.. then my parents and friends kept trying to set me up. so i thought if i dated someone farther away probably better so i dated jean-francois well i got a surprise im here message one saturday and he was great just when i went to his place i didn't feel at home he had no interest in moving here and i didn't want to move there he kept trying to pressure me to so i lied to him said i wanted my roommate since he kept on thinking we were involved but no taylor was like a big brother to me.. he wanted me to get a new place nothing ever made him happy technology wise if a new thing came out he had to have it making fun of my a5 phone yes its old but it still works :) so i felt almost not good enough for him.. then i dated another david online i never got the opportunity to meet i would really like to meet! he is absolutely amazing i think but after being misled before i didn't want to risk moving. then decided well fuck i must be the problem guys in person wanted to date me but if we dont agree on fundamentals there's no future! a guy online you can discuss these things better to ask what they are looking for then answer that question cause you could get played. so i took 6 months to myself avoided all family functions.. i prayed every day god would lead me to my husband.. i only dated guys i could see myself married to or if they convinced me they deserved a shot. i didn't ever want to date just to date. i wanted the next guy i dated to be my husband and we met on okcupid and was on the app less than a week when i met him felt like i always knew him and i just knew this is it and a year and 9 months still going strong. so as long as your prepared for things to not go as you expect your fine.. the guys i dated online were 100x better than the guy i dated that was a customer at my work. online your safer behind a screen and you meet in a public place after one meal you should have a good feeler on the person. its easier to say i think your a great person but i dont think wed be a great match because... i wish you the best of luck.. hope you find what your looking for.. they usually say thanks you too! friends or associates you already know in person are more stubborn and take things more personally when you dont think they are your type. i agree with your friends. you obviously like each other because he claimed to be willing to make the long drive to see you, he willingly met your parents to good effect, and he responds well when you call him. however, we cannot know what he is thinking until he makes some positive overtures in your favor without prodding. he probably has only the vaguest ideas what to do with himself regarding the relationship with you, so maybe you should give him time to clear his head. you must give him space for a few days to a week, maybe, before calling him again. he could be concerned about a long-distance affair, he could be overwhelmed by pressures of daily life, or just grappling with his shyness (since, you say, he's not been in a relationship before). if you get a weak or no response after about a week, call him and ask him directly how he feels about your mutual arrangement. once you allow him to make the moves himself it will all turn out well. you can ask others or if you see them, just look at their facial expressions and other body language.  i avoided and ignored a jerk at the gym and the last time i saw him, he didn't even acknowledge me (fortunately).  so i know i either hurt his feelings or made him mad. since you're an adult, you can report it to child services, as child endangerment for your sister. he is a threat to her well being. the problems with that are 1) she could be put in foster care 2) they may not do anything. 
i'm not sure how much the police would do, considering he is a minor, but they might require him to go through anger management. i think they would do something because he is abusing and harassing your family, especially your little sister. i think that no matter what, you need to take this to someone outside of the family, seeing as your family won't step in. whether it be a counselor, the police or child services, someone needs to step in for both your family and his sake. as he gets older, this could escalate, and he could end up actually killing someone. he needs help. 
if you actually think he might kill you, you for sure need to do something and soon. 
i am so sorry you are in this situation.
i pray all things work out for the best of everyone and that there are no more injuries anything on the internet can corrupt children. unfortunately parent can't always police what their children look at. You know this question could be answered either way. "Yes, he might be", or "no he really cares". Let's assume he likes talking with you and seeing you at the visitation. He likes that you are showing him attention. There is a chance that this relationship can grow beyond where it would have if he was out. Maybe you get to know each other better and he becomes more into you. Life is too short, you have to let this play out.


I'm sure you have great instincts (your inner feeling already knows), you have to trust yourself enough to make the right decision. Give it some time, try not to be too hard on yourself. He might be a rascal and a dirty dog too, but I vote for giving it a try and see how it plays out. You are in control of this relationship and every inmate knows this fact. Since the inmate loses control of what goes on in the outside world and he will often try to keep that control over the phone or letters. Just trust yourself and what you see and feel.