Work as Avoidance Technique




> My husband of 21 years has a very stressful job. Up until 2 years ago he was able to balance extensive travel and time home with myself and our 3 children. Our sex life was basically normal, once a week or so. Rock solid marriage. But one day I realized it had been over a month and we had not made love. So one night we tried and realized my husband was unable to have an erection. Not alarming, but not normal. So we tried again 2 days later and the same results. He was 44 at the time. Thinking he was suffering from a medical issue he went to a urologist who just prescribed Viagra. Another doctor tested for testosterone, all normal. I know now that its in his head. We have always had an issue in our marriage for early ejaculation and just never addressed it just dealt with it. 
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> The problem is after two years he has completely pulled away from me in every way physically. No touching, hand holding, kissing and certainly no sex. I blame his job his bosses never compliment, always second-guess and criticize. He tells me when there are big confrontations that he is able to compartmentalize and that is what he has done with our sex life. He says he doesn’t think about it. What does that mean? I know he is afraid to try again in case he fails and I say how will we know will unless we try. 
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> His solution is to travel and be away even more from the family. To the point he is gone all week and is now starting to leave on Sundays. When he is home he really isn’t. He is distant, doesn’t talk to me or the kids, sleeps all the time, his mind is always on the job. He answers phone calls and runs into the office constantly. He is a regional manager and is in charge of 11 facilities. Busy, busy man with lots of responsibilities. How can I help him understand that he is running away and not wanting to deal with the issues of just being a human being. Says he doesn’t believe in counseling not sure I could get him to go. I do believe he still cares but not sure. 
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> Work as Avoidance Technique
A.  I think your analysis of the situation is correct. Your husband’s fears about not being able to perform are bigger than his concern for his 21 year marriage. Imagine how big those fears must be! The doctors who were trying to help weren’t helpful in that they treated the physical problem without taking into account the emotional message of their interventions. I wish they had talked to him about how normal it is for a man who is under lots of pressure to have trouble performing. I wish they had included you in the discussions.


You probably can’t help him understand that he is running away. At this point, he’s had 10 years of believing that whatever is wrong can’t be fixed. For that reason, I think it would be more helpful for you to start going to a therapist yourself — not because I think you are the patient here but because your relationship is in trouble. When one member of a couple has a problem, the couple has a problem. When one member of a couple starts to go to [therapy](https://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/) and starts learning new ways to manage stress, it shows. Often that makes the other member of the couple willing to give it a try. Work with a therapist who can hear your whole story and who can give you suggestions about how to approach your husband in new ways. 



You’ve done what you can on your own. Your husband is a lucky man indeed to have a wife who is as understanding and as willing to help as you are. But both you and your husband are missing out on the intimacy that is a special part of a long marriage. For that reason, I encourage you to make an appointment and get started with therapy. 


I wish you well.  

Dr. Marie


Work as Avoidance Technique
yes, unemployment puts a strain on any individual and any relationship. <br><br>however, i don&#39;t see how i can recommend taking up paid sex as a solution for problems, though i can understand how you might find the idea tempting in more ways than one. what does your husband think of the idea ? he could hardly fail to be curious about where the new money was coming from. otherwise, how could you explain it to him ? <br><br>i agree with maria. <br> Just do what ever you feel like, go more to the gym than usual hang out with friends more often anytime it feels like he is using you. If he asks tell him why you are doing it tho assuming of course you actually want to stick around a person like that ;3  
  
Much LOVE, and good luck! it seems he has taken desperate measures because he needs his space. personally, i like to resolve issues as soon as possible. commuinication is so important to make a relationship work. i would just accept he wants his space, he obviously needs time to sort his head out before dealing with speaking to you. when he does decide to talk to you , try to explain to him that if he wants the relationship to work, you both need to commuincate to resolve any issues, rather than ignoring it for days on end.space distances two people, it doesn't bring them closer together. he can't shut you out everytime you both have an argument .relationships are measured by the bad times, not the good. so you both need to become stronger together when faced with any adversities. fantasies are one thing, and reality another. no form of acting out such a fantasy would benefit anyone, and it would be highly likely to end up as hurtful and to severely damage your relationship. good advice all round, and poppie&#39;s ideas might be worth trying. if you had a fantasy involving high physical danger to him, or something like you leading him, naked, through the supermarket with a rope round his neck, would he be so eager to act it out for you, and accept the ridicule that would abound on him ? consider marriage counselling to work on what leads him, not to the fantasies, but to want to act out something so inevitably destructive to your marriage i agree with your friends. you obviously like each other because he claimed to be willing to make the long drive to see you, he willingly met your parents to good effect, and he responds well when you call him. however, we cannot know what he is thinking until he makes some positive overtures in your favor without prodding. he probably has only the vaguest ideas what to do with himself regarding the relationship with you, so maybe you should give him time to clear his head. you must give him space for a few days to a week, maybe, before calling him again. he could be concerned about a long-distance affair, he could be overwhelmed by pressures of daily life, or just grappling with his shyness (since, you say, he's not been in a relationship before). if you get a weak or no response after about a week, call him and ask him directly how he feels about your mutual arrangement. once you allow him to make the moves himself it will all turn out well. this is a common type of question, in esence, and there is no mystery about how to be helpful  be ubnderstanding, supportive, ask if there is something you can do to help, and above all listen to whatever he may want to discuss about his problems, if and when he wants to talk about it. sounds like you have already been very helpful about arrnaging for him to see a relevant doc, and support groups, etc. maybe he needs to take a bit more initiative about all this, himself ? presumably counselling would help him come to terms better with the divorce and the issues surrounding the children I I feel as though the biggest reason why circumstances like this don't get fixed is because the two marriage partners don't actually try to fix it. They don't talk it through in depth, they don't try hard enough, maybe they'll try a little and give up, but in the end, it's them not giving the time of day to truly fix it. I would love for your relationship to be brought back to light and fruition. Talk, talk, talk. Take a vacation, break, day off. Anything. Maybe even couples therapy. The point is, you CAN make it work and fix your situation. what do you like about him?my opnion is i think he is, actually. why? because working and hustling to get ahead in your career is just fucking time consuming, and our social life is usually the first to take a hit. he probably would rather find one or two girls to build a relationship with because he doesn't really have time like that to go out or meet up new girls every week from scratch dear scary j<br><br>a vasectomy is a safe and highly effective operation designed to make a man sterile. a doctor cuts the two tubes — called the vas deferens — that carry sperm from the testes to the pouch in the scrotum that holds the semen prior to ejaculation. in the simplest terms, a vasectomy blocks the only outlets sperm have to leave the body. the sperm is reabsorbed into the body. men who get vasectomies can still have sex and ejaculate, but their semen won&#39;t contain any sperm, so it can&#39;t fertilize an egg and cause a pregnancy. <br><br>in the most common type of vasectomy, the doctor makes a small incision, or cut, on each side of the scrotum. he then lifts the vas deferens tubes to the surface, snips them in two, cauterizes their ends or ties each end off (some doctors use a titanium clip instead), and stitches up the scrotum. the procedure is usually performed right in the doctor&#39;s office. it takes about 30 to 60 minutes and only requires a local anesthetic, so you&#39;re awake through the procedure.<br><br>i would suggest that you collect a number of sperm samples for freezing purposes before the vasectomy is done. in this way the good quality sperm can be kept and frozen for future use and may be cryo-preserved for at least 10 years if not more. in this way, should a decision be subsequently made to have another pregnancy, the situation can be dealt with by means of a simple intra-uterine insemination process. i had a vasectomy 25 years ago, and almost immediately regretted it. i would have never done it knowing what i know now. the good part is no more kiddies, and i was ready for that.the bad part is i had some of the major side effects:1. post surgical infection of both incision points. i had abscesses the size of a nickel on both sides. took 60 days for them to clear.2. my balls ached for at least a yearthe sad part was my urologist didn't give a shit, and no one from his office would return my calls. 3. then there is the primal/psychological aspect of it. anyway you look at it, you are infertile. you know it, and your female knows it. rational or not, that fact sits in the back of your head. in college i had a girlfriend were we intentionally timed sex so that she was constantly carrying my live load in her womb for over six months. it was a fetish, obviously but we both really got off on it. primal. now, my wife was great about it, and appreciated not having to get a tubal ligation, as her gynecologist was leaning on her hard to get off bc pills. i'm pretty sure it didn't make any difference to her, but it did to me.