Lack of emotion while caregiving. Anyone else experience this?



I have been helping care for my mom who has been on home hospice for the last couple of months. She has been declining in health for the last 7 or so years due to Parkinson's disease, and was diagnosed with cancer prior to being put on home hospice. At this point, she is bedridden and pretty much needs everything done for her, from feeding to changing depends. Her spirits are very low, she is often upset and cries a lot.

  
For the last few years, I have been struggling with anxiety and severe depression (which I am currently in treatment for). I often feel empty and emotionless/numb. I haven't felt very upset about the state my mom is currently in, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I continue to just feel numb as I care for her. I'm not sure if it is because I have become so accustomed to my mom being sick for so many years. Or if it is just part of the depression. Or autopilot mode. Or if I've become this horrible, careless person. My mom can also be difficult to deal with at times, and I often find myself feeling frustrated with her...which makes me feel very guilty.

  
My dad and I take shifts caring for her. She usually needs caring for through the night as well (we tried 3 different night-time care aids to help us but my mom refused all of them). I care for her Friday nights til Sunday evenings, and Tuesday nights til Wednesday evening. I feel like I should be there more, but between lack of sleep and her frequent needs, I feel like I can't handle more than that.

  
Has anyone else experienced this "lack of feeling" toward their loved one, as well as frustration?
More than likely, you're experiencing Compassion Fatigue which is defined as   
 a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress.  
  
Google it, and take the test online to see if you suffer from it vs. burnout; there is a big difference. Here is an article on the subject:  
  
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/compassion-fatigue  
  
Here's a link to the Compassion Fatigue test for helpers:  
  
https://www.michvma.org/resources/Documents/Prof.%20Competencies/2017%20Proceedings/figley%20self%20assessment%202.pdf  
  
Please don't ever think of yourself as a horrible, careless person! We are all human and as such, have our breaking points, especially after care giving for years on end. Don't think of yourself as some being that should be able to handle all that's thrown at you without breaking down........that's not realistic or healthy. Nor is it realistic or healthy for you to be in such a position to be a personal caregiver to a mother who's been so sick for so long. A nursing home is staffed with teams of caregivers who work around the clock precisely so that one or two people don't have to suffer the tremendous burden that you and your father have been suffering. You're only two people doing the job of a large TEAM of people; so it's no wonder you're feeling this way.  
  
Wishing you the best of luck in finding peace and joy for yourself amidst the duties you've taken on.
don’t feel guilty. i think a lot of people feel this way at some point after having kids, but no one wants to be honest or talk about it. is it not having time that is making you depressed? or is it the loss of freedom? i am a stay at home mom to a 2 1/2 year old and went through a lot of the same things you’re describing. i can tell you that it gets easier to find time as baby’s sleep gets more predictable. past that, we wound up “splitting” most weekends. i sleep in on saturday morning, and my husband sleeps in on sunday. after i wake up on saturday, he usually goes to play golf, and i go to the movies or brunch or something on sunday. i wish i could give you a magic answer, but you just have to play around with your time and see what works best for you. the worst thing you can do is let yourself get into a rut. try to talk to your wife openly and honestly about what you’re feeling. she might be depressed. judicious low dose treatment might help her.... and you. see a geriatrician. A.  I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I have worked with many families who have faced a similar situation. Your predicament is fairly common. As you noted, the law prohibits forcing someone into treatment unless a case can be made that they are a danger to themselves or to others. Imminent danger standards, make it very difficult for many people to receive help until something happens.


I would recommend becoming educated about your potential options. Start by googling “Georgia and involuntary commitment laws.” You should be able to find good information about civil commitment options in your state. According to my research, for inpatient treatment, an individual would have to meet the following criteria:


1. pose an imminent danger to self/others, evidenced by recent overt acts or expressed threats of violence OR are
2. unable to care for their own physical health and safety so as to create an imminently life endangering crisis and in need of involuntary treatment.



For outpatient treatment, a person must meet the following criteria:


1. based on treatment history or current mental status, requires outpatient treatment in order to avoid imminently becoming an impatient AND
2. is unable to voluntary seek or comply with outpatient treatment.


You might try contacting your local mental health crisis team. They may be willing to come to the home, evaluate your mother’s condition and assist her in obtaining treatment.


You should also explore guardianship laws in your state. If possible, consult a guardianship attorney to determine if anything can be done to assist your mother. At 71, it’s possible that she’s experiencing a mix of [mania](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/manic-episode/) and potentially dementia. Guardianship may be an option.


I would also recommend consulting the local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) groups in your state. Here is a [link](https://namiga.org/) to the NAMI organization for your state. NAMI offers free support groups in communities across the country for individuals caring for loved ones with serious mental illness. They can help you to navigate the mental health system. Contact them for support and assistance.


I hope these ideas assist you in helping your mother. Please write again if you have additional questions.


Dr. Kristina Randle



How Do We Get My [Bipolar](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/bipolar/) Mania Mom to Go Get Help? A.Insomnia is no joke. Not getting sufficient [sleep](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/sleep/) at any age, but especially as a teen, is serious business. Sleep disorders can cause [depression](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/), [anxiety](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/anxiety/), diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease. According to a poll done in 2005 by Sleep in America, people who were diagnosed with depression or anxiety were more likely to sleep less than six hours at night. A study done in 2007 showed that people with insomnia are 5 times as likely to be depressed as those who got sufficient sleep. At your age “sufficient” means 8 – 9 hours a night.

I urge you to go back to your medical doctor for more tests. I’m alarmed that you were drinking enough but not staying hydrated. There’s more to that than sleep deprivation. I’m also alarmed that apparently you were given a “diagnosis” but not then given a treatment plan to regulate your sleep.

If your primary care physician isn’t able to help you, get a referral to a sleep medicine clinic for a sleep study. Such clinics do a thorough evaluation of how much sleep a person gets and how often and for how long the person is awake. You may be sent home with a monitor to wear. More likely, you will be asked to spend the night at the clinic where they will monitor you throughout the night. You will sleep in a comfortable room in a comfortable bed. You can usually even bring your own pajamas.

Don’t be scared. A sleep study isn’t painful. Doctors or technicians will monitor you while you sleep. Little disks called electrodes will be temporarily glued to your head and attached to an EEG (*electroencephalogram*) machine. This will monitor the electrical impulses in your brain while you sleep and will show the technician how you are moving through the stages of sleep. It will measure possible interruptions in the pattern of your sleep. The technicians will also measure things such as eye movements, oxygen levels in your blood, heart and breathing rates, who much you snore, and how your body moves as you sleep.

The data from your sleep study will be evaluated by your doctor. You will then have a follow up appointment with your doctor to discuss the results and what may need to be done to help you have more regular and restorative sleep.

Please share this response with your parents. I don’t think you are lying or faking. I think you have an untreated medical condition that left untreated will only make things worse.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

 

How Do I Get my Parents to Believe I’m Depressed? there are a number of possible reasons, but narcolepsy may well be what you have. you need to get a set of sleep tests (it takes about 24 hours in a sleep laboratory). then a proper diagnosis can be made, and all of the conditions can be treated.<br><br>you really need help asap. that sounds rough, i am sorry you aren't feeling well. my advice is just go to a different hospital to get a different view on your situation. please don't hold off on it, this problem really needs to be taken care of. part of becoming an adult and having a family of your own is learning how to manage relationships with other people... like your own parents. it can be devastating to have a parent with mental illness, i do understand, my dad lost his battle with mental illness several years ago. however, when you are responsible for a child of your own, you've got to be able to function no matter what else is happening around you. part of that is giving yourself time and space to grieve and to feel what you are feeling rather than trying to stuff it down. find someone to talk to that you can let those tears go with, a counselor... or friend... your husband... even calling a warmline if necessary. the baby will be fine. A.  I am deeply moved by your situation and understand the devastation following a desertion. Trying to understand his motivation and lack of caring re-injures you emotionally. No matter how many times you try to understand this story of betrayal it will leave you empty. This is a time to reclaim yourself and reconnect with those who love you — and whose care can fill you up. Building a network of social support takes some doing. Asking for help, expressing gratitude toward those who have extended their kindness, and immersing in the best self-care practices you can will help you feel better.


Thoughts determine the direction of our feelings and behavior. If you dwell on him you are turning your thoughts toward more difficult and unsatisfying feelings. Focusing on what you need and the loving people in your life will be better way to go.



Wishing you patience and peace,  

*Dr. Dan*  

[*Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral*](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/danielt/)


Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me in many cases it can be treated or managed. first step - a medical consultation to rule out medical conditions, medication, etc. a psychological or psychiatric eval can determine if the insomnia is really part of a treatable psychiatric condition, and practicing good sleep hygiene / working with a psychologist can help. http://cpancf.com/articles\_files/sleephygienehandout.asp. see more... some of mine do and some don't. i quit trying to explain to ppl who have no idea what it's all about. some will never truly understand this illness anyhow. hugs. take care 🌺