lonelyness is messing with me
why is it that lonelyness makes one do crazy things you wouldn''t normally do? how does one get rid of the guilt of doing stupid things and the regrets of doing it? i hate being lonely. 42 and have phone sex for example with strange guys i meet on the internet. i wish so i had somebody to love me and me him. maybe i am being stupid but i really want it. i have been on my own for 15 years and like my own company. it is when i see couples on tv or in the streets, hear love songs that my mind goes totally crazy on me and it hurts! why am i like this?
guilt is rarely a useful response after one has recognized that whatever one did was indeed wrong - the valuable response is then to go on and work out why it was wrong, what to learn from it, and how to avoid doing that again. 
<br/>loneliness is tough, and our society isn't kind to lonely people. and the media ( songs, tv, etc., sells to us an image of lerv that few of us achieve and which isn't actually as practical, easy and desirable as they represent it as. at least phone sex, so long as you limit it to that, is safe sex. 
<br/>work on developing friendships, at work, at church, through voluntary work, hobbies, whatever, and be open to the possibility of love when it turns up. 
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A. It’s difficult to assess the seriousness of this on the basis of only a letter so let me just share a couple of thoughts.

People by nature tend to fall somewhere on a scale from introvert to extrovert. It may be that at least part of this is that you are on the introvert end of the scale. There is nothing wrong with that! But, the larger culture celebrates extroverts. In high school, the general idea is that everyone is supposed to be outgoing and popular. Of course, not everyone can be. Not everyone wants to be. So let’s at least assume that part of what goes on is that you have a more restrained approach to life. One thing that supports this is that you do have a couple of close friends and that seems to be enough for you.

As for being out with others: I wonder if you have developed the skills you need to be comfortable out in the social world. Introverts can and do learn how to manage social situations enough so that they can be successful in their careers and can find loving relationships. Notice that I said “skills”. Skills are behaviors you can learn (like how to make small talk, how to be an active listener, how to be a good communicator, etc.). As you get more practiced in these skills, you will be more comfortable being with people for longer periods of time. But you will still need your alone time to “recover” from a lot of social interaction.

The line in your letter that does worry me is your statement that you can spend hours holed up in your room and in bed. Yes, you may need time to recharge your social batteries but it would do a lot more for your self-esteem if you would use that time to pursue an interest or to do something to make the world a better place. Think about ways to support a cause or candidate or to educate yourself about something you are genuinely interested in. You will feel better about yourself than if you just hang out wondering if there is something wrong with you. An important bonus is that it will give you more to talk about when you are with people.

I hope this is helpful. I wish you well.  
 Dr. Marie

I Want or Need to Be Alone i'm 17 and i'm horny all of the time too. but i've never masturbated or had sex. virgin to everything. my boyfriend and i make out all the time. he dry humps me and stimulates my clit over my clothes. it drives me wild and it's all i think about sometimes. since that feels so amazing i wonder what actual sex would be like. the problems is i'm big on saving myself for marriage, so i have to deal with my horniness and its awful sometimes. i would say they are a blessing cause it led me to the man i am with now. i started out on online dating really young. my parents were very strict no boyfriend until i am 18.. everyone at school had boyfriends and teased me cause i didn't so i went online and found a guy in indiana and dated him online from the time i was 16 to 18.. he came met me and my parents then i went to meet his parents and thats when i got the concussion that turned my life upside down.. when i was told i would never walk again (so thankful to god that turned out to be false) not even a week later he was gone and good riddance too! when i was 21 i moved to a new area and i grew up very sheltered so i had no idea what i was doing. i was going to be going to college soon after meeting 5 guys dylan, ryan, donald, justin and antonio.. dylan was the only one that understood it was just companionship i was wanting.. the rest wanted to sleep with me. had on my profile getting ready to go into my first year of college would like a loving, caring, thoughtful man by my side but hed have to know college will be my focus for these two years then we have the rest of our lives. but i realized that was too much to ask. went on many one meal dates after i was done college cameron, josh, matt, sean, scott, ben, will, andrew, curtis, trevor. nothing came of them all great guys just not great for me. tried to see dylan again but he wasn't interested he was more depressed couldnt shake him of it.. then i met david he was everything i wanted in his speech but he turned out to just be a fine talker and his actions didn't line up.. so it was hard to get rid of him dated a month took 2 to get in his head i wasn't interested.. then my parents and friends kept trying to set me up. so i thought if i dated someone farther away probably better so i dated jean-francois well i got a surprise im here message one saturday and he was great just when i went to his place i didn't feel at home he had no interest in moving here and i didn't want to move there he kept trying to pressure me to so i lied to him said i wanted my roommate since he kept on thinking we were involved but no taylor was like a big brother to me.. he wanted me to get a new place nothing ever made him happy technology wise if a new thing came out he had to have it making fun of my a5 phone yes its old but it still works :) so i felt almost not good enough for him.. then i dated another david online i never got the opportunity to meet i would really like to meet! he is absolutely amazing i think but after being misled before i didn't want to risk moving. then decided well fuck i must be the problem guys in person wanted to date me but if we dont agree on fundamentals there's no future! a guy online you can discuss these things better to ask what they are looking for then answer that question cause you could get played. so i took 6 months to myself avoided all family functions.. i prayed every day god would lead me to my husband.. i only dated guys i could see myself married to or if they convinced me they deserved a shot. i didn't ever want to date just to date. i wanted the next guy i dated to be my husband and we met on okcupid and was on the app less than a week when i met him felt like i always knew him and i just knew this is it and a year and 9 months still going strong. so as long as your prepared for things to not go as you expect your fine.. the guys i dated online were 100x better than the guy i dated that was a customer at my work. online your safer behind a screen and you meet in a public place after one meal you should have a good feeler on the person. its easier to say i think your a great person but i dont think wed be a great match because... i wish you the best of luck.. hope you find what your looking for.. they usually say thanks you too! friends or associates you already know in person are more stubborn and take things more personally when you dont think they are your type. 0 and why? cause sex ain't needed to love someone. if you cannot love someone and accept them without sex then... well i am not sure you would be able to love someone if they get an illness that stops them from doing the action or something. so it's not important it's a want but not important enough to be factor on why i would date and grow to love someone. i learnt this as kid from a game, and find it sad that someone really wouldn't be able to love someone without sex and would cheat on them if they were in position were they couldn't have sex or leave them or do something worse which he did... Well, I can sit here and tell you the things that I'm pretty sure you are well aware of like; hang out with friends, join new things, exercise and etc. And yes, all of these things are a great way to get your mind off of someone, but forgetting them is something hard and I personally think, you can never do. Let's be honest, the relationship failed and it hurts because right now you miss them. And let may say, that is perfectly normal, it tells me that you cared but also you aren't numbing yourself to pain (Via drinking is an example of numbing). That you are a passionate person who still believes in love and who deserved happiness. The last thing I want you to do is to forget that person and pretend it doesn't hurt, even though you may seem fine, when you're alone, truly who are you fooling? The number one tip I have for you, is to ALLOW yourself to feel pain, allow yourself to cry and allow and yourself to grow. This is a great opportunity to rebuild yourself, to do it for only yourself and for you to reflect. So when those tears are gone, stand up on your own two feet and start doing the things you love, not to distract and forget, but rather reflect and build. The best way to "forget" someone is to realize that yes this pain hurts, that yes this pain is temporary and yes I will get through and improve whether spiritually, physically or emotionally. It's going to hurt like hell, but if you can see this pain with a clear mind, eventually you'll realize a life without them. Don't forget, smile and realize that there will be someone out there willing to show you love once more. Another thing that really helped me was that I started looking at it objectively, and I had this realization that I was more disappointed that he wasn't the one, rather than just flat out missing him. Wishing you the best of luck, never forget, smile because you've learned something and will continue to learn. well this happened to me (a bit younger at first and then a five year break before continuing) and it's made me distrusting of people, especially boys or people i date. it made me feel like they saw me as easy, and even now i feel like i am. i'm mostly normal (with some side effects from the memories) but i really have problems with people flirting and giving me compliments i've flirted with it before. i didn't get much interest. just women that i'm, to be politically uncorrect, way out of their league, at least in terms of the logistics of dating. all the women that i was interested in and messaged, didn't respond. actually what i'd say was going on is this. firstly you need to be aware of the psychology of it, and how peoples' minds work. ie, if you have forlorn selfies, one or two of you pondering the nature of existence in your bedroom, you're not going to get many bites from women. women can get away with being aloof and beautiful like that. men typically have to portray a more social and outgoing image, least that's what i imagine. if you can project the image of social power, then you're going to attract more of it. and i'm sort of eluding to the tragedy of dating websites and dating in general, and their 'unnaturalness'. it's all very calculated, and hardly dreamy romantic if one is check-boxing all the time. there's a lot of tragic people on there, trying to find a means to desperately get away from their tragedy and find that validation or quick thrill they are seeking. like all things, it's a question of intent. what are you true motivations. if one goes there, with innocent eyes, wholeheartedly, and is not there to deceive any body, or escape from anything, then of course, it's just another medium to meet people. the whole hearted thing is important. actually uploading a decent set of photos, putting some thought into your profile, etc. what you put in, you get out, it's not just a case of being there. the same applies to going to social gatherings in general. go to the same event, and make the effort to talk to people and be open, and one will get dramatically different results. also, i think on the positive, it can expand the potentiality of the people you can meet manifold. there's lots of interesting people out there. i really think it's like social media in general. it just fans, positive or negative, what you are already doing. of course, one could make a deeper argument about conscious control in the first place. we think we have conscious control of the happenings around us, but really, conscious 'control' is the mind's means of deluding us into thinking that we're not working to the subconscious forces within us. the truth about my 'rejections' were, i wasn't really into it, i was just playing... sort of, if you're feeling me, to make this more 'down' and gag friendly. every individuals have diff way of coping , some people can't be happy without someone on their side or sometimes they are sad and wants to be around people. Some people are not strong enough emo and mentally to be alone so they want something to be busy about rather than thinking about the break up but some people just dont feel pain or just ignore the pain. A.  I am deeply moved by your situation and understand the devastation following a desertion. Trying to understand his motivation and lack of caring re-injures you emotionally. No matter how many times you try to understand this story of betrayal it will leave you empty. This is a time to reclaim yourself and reconnect with those who love you — and whose care can fill you up. Building a network of social support takes some doing. Asking for help, expressing gratitude toward those who have extended their kindness, and immersing in the best self-care practices you can will help you feel better.


Thoughts determine the direction of our feelings and behavior. If you dwell on him you are turning your thoughts toward more difficult and unsatisfying feelings. Focusing on what you need and the loving people in your life will be better way to go.



Wishing you patience and peace,  

*Dr. Dan*  

[*Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral*](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/danielt/)


Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me Just do what ever you feel like, go more to the gym than usual hang out with friends more often anytime it feels like he is using you. If he asks tell him why you are doing it tho assuming of course you actually want to stick around a person like that ;3  
  
Much LOVE, and good luck!