Should I give elderly father a time-frame to move out? Should I cut back my help to a proud father?



Hello! My elderly father is staying with me for awhile, I'm single-divorced, no kids. His wife passed away in March 2013. He's been with me for two months. He's got memory loss, and is willing to go to a doctor to see about it. He asks for help for many things, to the point that I'm struggling to help him. He doesn't have a good sense of his finances. His past two major purchases, I had to front the money. He told me recently that I "was in his business too much". This kind of prompts me to back -up from helping him, as he seems to be on the proud side. Also, he seems content with staying at my place. I don't think that would work well long-term, as I think it's be too much on me. Would I be okay in giving him a time-frame to 1) go back to a place he owns 2) go to assisted living?

Thanks!
I would suggest looking for an assisted living or Memory Care program. Sounds like he needs to have a Power of Attorney assigned for finance and also one for health care. Has anyone in the family broached these topics with your father? Unfortunately, you are now in the position of needing to be more proactive in caring for your father, much like your parents did for you when you were a child unable to make decisions for yourself. It sounds like it is time for a family meeting with your siblings, if you have any, or contacting your local Department on Aging to assist you with the activities that need to be done to adequately care for your elderly father.
this is a common type of question, in esence, and there is no mystery about how to be helpful  be ubnderstanding, supportive, ask if there is something you can do to help, and above all listen to whatever he may want to discuss about his problems, if and when he wants to talk about it. sounds like you have already been very helpful about arrnaging for him to see a relevant doc, and support groups, etc. maybe he needs to take a bit more initiative about all this, himself ? presumably counselling would help him come to terms better with the divorce and the issues surrounding the children it seems he has taken desperate measures because he needs his space. personally, i like to resolve issues as soon as possible. commuinication is so important to make a relationship work. i would just accept he wants his space, he obviously needs time to sort his head out before dealing with speaking to you. when he does decide to talk to you , try to explain to him that if he wants the relationship to work, you both need to commuincate to resolve any issues, rather than ignoring it for days on end.space distances two people, it doesn't bring them closer together. he can't shut you out everytime you both have an argument .relationships are measured by the bad times, not the good. so you both need to become stronger together when faced with any adversities. I recently found out that my grandpa did not treat my grandma very kindly. He died about 18 years ago and my grandma died about 7 years ago. Recently I was talking to my dad (who knew about how his dad treated his mom) and found out that how he always put her down and insulted her and my aunt. I guess he wanted a son but was not too pleased when their first child was a daughter and their second child who was a boy was stillborn. I guess he blamed my grandma for that as well. He controlled their money and I guess was just mentally abusive. I remember him being grouchy most of the time but I also remember my grandma being a little grouchy too so I just assumed that’s how they were. I was about 13 when he died. My dad did tell me he was never physically abusive but the whole thing still bothers me. I am told that I take after my other grandpa who would bend over backwards to help people but he died before I was born. different people decompress in different ways; this is just how he does it. his relationship with his friends is not the same as the one with you; he gives you more and so it takes more out of him.strange as it sounds, this is actually a good sign: he's committed to you, wants to give you his best, has other friends, and uses them as a healthy coping mechanism. it sounds like the problem is that he's indulging it a bit much of late, yes? if he says it's nothing to do with you, he likely has some serious stress he's trying to deal with- or perhaps one of his friends does. now, your awareness of and respect for his need for solitude is also a good thing, but if you need more from him than you're getting, it's not unreasonable to ask. i'd be careful in the phrasing, however; "i want you to spend more time with me", while reasonable, can come across as a demand. something like "i've noticed you've been spending a lot more time alone, gaming with your friends lately. i know you use this to work off stress, and i'm wondering if everything's okay. is there anything i can do to help?" not only sends the message that his needs are legitimate, it's more likely to be seen as concerned than accusatory. his reaction may also give you some insight into how he sees it and what it means to him- if he thinks of those he's playing with as his friends, he's obviously not doing it alone; if they're just some people he plays with, that's less likely to be a sticking point.it's not silly to want him to make you a high priority for his time, and it seems like you have a decent understanding that he's a separate person with his own needs and desires (a surprising number of people don't). if you want him to communicate with you more, it's okay to ask- but go in thinking of it is a request, not a demand. relationships are about give and take, not about conforming to a preconceived ideal. This is the great conundrum. Should I stay or should I go. Ultimately only your heart can answer this. But I would consider balancing on a two sided scale the weight of a casual fuck and a baby 👶 and then the weight of your family broken up divorce and spending the rest of your time seeing your kids half the time or less and likely being raised by another step dad. I'm not suggesting you choose one or the other. I'm merely suggesting you weigh in the reality of both sides and what they mean in the long run. I feel for you because I've been there and know it's very very hard. You will know what you must do but take a little time to think before making rash decisions.   
I wish you the best. And hope whatever happens you will be happier for those decisions you make. 😔 i agree with your friends. you obviously like each other because he claimed to be willing to make the long drive to see you, he willingly met your parents to good effect, and he responds well when you call him. however, we cannot know what he is thinking until he makes some positive overtures in your favor without prodding. he probably has only the vaguest ideas what to do with himself regarding the relationship with you, so maybe you should give him time to clear his head. you must give him space for a few days to a week, maybe, before calling him again. he could be concerned about a long-distance affair, he could be overwhelmed by pressures of daily life, or just grappling with his shyness (since, you say, he's not been in a relationship before). if you get a weak or no response after about a week, call him and ask him directly how he feels about your mutual arrangement. once you allow him to make the moves himself it will all turn out well. A.  I am deeply moved by your situation and understand the devastation following a desertion. Trying to understand his motivation and lack of caring re-injures you emotionally. No matter how many times you try to understand this story of betrayal it will leave you empty. This is a time to reclaim yourself and reconnect with those who love you — and whose care can fill you up. Building a network of social support takes some doing. Asking for help, expressing gratitude toward those who have extended their kindness, and immersing in the best self-care practices you can will help you feel better.


Thoughts determine the direction of our feelings and behavior. If you dwell on him you are turning your thoughts toward more difficult and unsatisfying feelings. Focusing on what you need and the loving people in your life will be better way to go.



Wishing you patience and peace,  

*Dr. Dan*  

[*Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral*](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/danielt/)


Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me You know this question could be answered either way. "Yes, he might be", or "no he really cares". Let's assume he likes talking with you and seeing you at the visitation. He likes that you are showing him attention. There is a chance that this relationship can grow beyond where it would have if he was out. Maybe you get to know each other better and he becomes more into you. Life is too short, you have to let this play out.


I'm sure you have great instincts (your inner feeling already knows), you have to trust yourself enough to make the right decision. Give it some time, try not to be too hard on yourself. He might be a rascal and a dirty dog too, but I vote for giving it a try and see how it plays out. You are in control of this relationship and every inmate knows this fact. Since the inmate loses control of what goes on in the outside world and he will often try to keep that control over the phone or letters. Just trust yourself and what you see and feel. Tough to say without knowing more. They could have re-indicted your case or it could be on an arraignment calendar just to keep track of the case since it is so old. If you have a lawyer, he or she should be able to tell you what is going on. you might request anything you would want. there is no assurance what you requested would be provided you. there might not be a legal reason where you would be supplied the information or documents you request.

if your father's estate was administered through a living trust or some other type of trust, the trust would outline the responsibilities of the executor.

 if your father's estate was required to be probated based on the state probate laws of your state, a probate judge would decide if all the debts and other liabilities were properly and legally handled.

normally if there is a probate, a probate attorney would be selected by the executor and would represent your father's estate to insure that all legal matters are handled properly.

from your statement is appears as if your father appointed your uncle as the executor of his will or trust.normally. if the court has appointed the trust it would appear as if you or your sister would have been appointed by the probate judge.

why are you having trust issues with your uncle who was appointed by your father to handle his affairs once he is deceased.

no mater what you are not legally able to change or alter anything done by the executor of the trust or will. you have no authority.. the same might be said of the documents and information you would want, you might not have the authority to have this information or documents.

if you think there are discrepancies in the executor handling of your father's estate, you would be required to sue the executor.\, handling your father's estate.

of course, your father's estate would be charged with the financial defense of the executor. alsl the probate would not close until all legal matters are complete.

 i hope this has been of some benefit to you, good luck.

"fight on"