Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me




> My husband left almost 3 years ago and lives with his affair partner. Before he left, he exhibited signs of [depression](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/), mood swings, and his behavior became erratic. He’s now living a completely new life in another state but yet has not filed for divorce. For the first two years, he would communicate sometimes but would not respond to legal issues. I kept busy living my life and didn’t contact him unless it was about legal matters, but I was always kind and treated him with respect. Last year I was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer and have not heard from him since. He’s even changed his contact information. I’m really struggling with understanding how I was a huge part of his life for almost two decades and even though we are still married, his actions show that he truly does not care about me. I can understand “falling out of love,” but how does someone just stop caring? My self-esteem has plummeted and it’s excruciating to feel like someone I knew for so long and shared so much of my life with doesn’t care if I live or die. I have worked hard to understand that his actions are not my fault, but I am having such a hard time accepting how he could learn that I have cancer and intentionally make my life more difficult by disappearing without getting divorced, and how he could just erase me from his life as if I never existed. I don’t want what’s left of my life to be spent dealing with this painful issue and I try not to think about him too much but I feel like our unfinished marriage is hanging over my head.
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> Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me
A.  I am deeply moved by your situation and understand the devastation following a desertion. Trying to understand his motivation and lack of caring re-injures you emotionally. No matter how many times you try to understand this story of betrayal it will leave you empty. This is a time to reclaim yourself and reconnect with those who love you — and whose care can fill you up. Building a network of social support takes some doing. Asking for help, expressing gratitude toward those who have extended their kindness, and immersing in the best self-care practices you can will help you feel better.


Thoughts determine the direction of our feelings and behavior. If you dwell on him you are turning your thoughts toward more difficult and unsatisfying feelings. Focusing on what you need and the loving people in your life will be better way to go.



Wishing you patience and peace,  

*Dr. Dan*  

[*Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral*](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/danielt/)


Struggling to Accept that He Doesn’t Care about Me
You know, it happens tp the most of us.  
  
it's like , the more you do one thing, the lesser and lesser you get interested in it.  
  
When he loved you, he thought that he could keep it up forever (Assuming that he ever did love you for you and not anything else).  
  
But that's what usually happens these days to couples that ends up divorcing each other.  
Either they cheat on each other or they get dissatisfaction from each other.  
  
People dont tend to stay together and work it out anymore. They just give up so easily.  
  
He may have loved you. But i dont think he does anymore. And if you plan to move forward with him, i dont think it'll be a good idea. Coz i think that when "not feeling it" moment comes into the lifes of a couple, thats when they go out and ends up CHEATING on each other. he's not addicted to her body, she most likely has narcissistic personality disorder. which means that she is systematically destroying his sense of self in order for her to keep control. i have heard more than one person who knows how to judge these things guess that he will commit suicide in the next few years. which to my eyes is very very sad this is a common type of question, in esence, and there is no mystery about how to be helpful  be ubnderstanding, supportive, ask if there is something you can do to help, and above all listen to whatever he may want to discuss about his problems, if and when he wants to talk about it. sounds like you have already been very helpful about arrnaging for him to see a relevant doc, and support groups, etc. maybe he needs to take a bit more initiative about all this, himself ? presumably counselling would help him come to terms better with the divorce and the issues surrounding the children Look girl let me tell you something I ignore the problem and it eats me up inside. Maybe you're feeling the same way. So is ignoring really going to HELP YOU move on? Who cares about him... what will help you move on? Because your definitely not ready. This guy is a NARS and he CHEATED on you and LIED about it to your face and you still felt sorry for him and wasted your precious time by trying to make him feel better? Girl where's your dignity? Did this guy crush you? Did he make you feel worthless at some point? I've been cheated on and it makes you question who you are so please do yourself a favor and walk away with confidence, dignity and respect for yourself because if you can't forgive him or if you keep being Mother Teresa and forgiving him and caring about him when he clearly didn't mind treating you bad then go ahead and waste your time. These feelings aren't fun they can consume you make you doubt yourself crush you so please breakup with him in a way that gives you peace and know that there's always someone else out there that won't take you for granted now notice I didn't say won't let you down because for example I told my boyfriend that the only way I'll leave him is if he cheats or lies to me with our finances with real life problems not pity stuff we couples argue about so if he broke your trust if you clearly had the line drawn in something and he still MADE A CHOICE to go against you then this guy ain't worth it. he might of been feeling it... now is saying it because of action taken by you to care for him. just regular shit as far as i can tell. the real question is if you have a problem with it/do you not want to deal with it/is that not what you wanted/etc. To answer how, I'd say he's probably felt this way for a while and still feels this way.   
  
As for your update: that sounds like a coping mechanism because he did care for you and doesn't want you completely out of his life. First of all, you can't fight for a relationship your partner is not ready to protect. He's given it up and you fighting for it is completely useless at the moment..   
  
I understand what he's going through because my culture is strict since I'm Arab. So I undersyand how stressed and pressured he must feel for disobeying his parents. I bet he feels guilty enough for changing his religion, so having a girlfriend makes him feel even more guilty.   
  
If he chose to leave the relationship although he truly loved you then he has a good reason for it. I imagine he doesn't want you to have a bad future with him where his parents won't ever approve of your relationship, And he wants to avoid that family drama for your and his own good.   
  
U can have one last talk to him and tell him to rethink it because to be honest, right now this relationship depends solely on him. And I think he might have been really influenced by his parents so he made a rushed decision, maybe a wise one, but still rushed. If he takes his time he might change his mind. You can't help them. It is there problem not yours. By the sound of it they just aren't in love anymore. It happens. As the child you just have to stay out of it and accept it. I mean they deserve happiness Even if it isn't each other You know this question could be answered either way. "Yes, he might be", or "no he really cares". Let's assume he likes talking with you and seeing you at the visitation. He likes that you are showing him attention. There is a chance that this relationship can grow beyond where it would have if he was out. Maybe you get to know each other better and he becomes more into you. Life is too short, you have to let this play out.


I'm sure you have great instincts (your inner feeling already knows), you have to trust yourself enough to make the right decision. Give it some time, try not to be too hard on yourself. He might be a rascal and a dirty dog too, but I vote for giving it a try and see how it plays out. You are in control of this relationship and every inmate knows this fact. Since the inmate loses control of what goes on in the outside world and he will often try to keep that control over the phone or letters. Just trust yourself and what you see and feel. Getting over someone takes time. It can either range from a day to several years depending on the person. Of course I can’t say that it’ll be easy, but the first step is to let go and accept that she isn’t a part of your life anymore and she was just the practice relationship to your next one which will last a last time if you must. Know that you will both care for each other, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be hung up on her. Remember the five stages of grief and be aware of which stage you are in - this sadness won’t last forever, it’ll just lead to a happier future