Issue with Girlfriend’s Past




> 3 months ago I went back to my home country. I fell in love with my best friend’s elder sister. She is 2 years older than me. We had known each other 3years back but we never spoke. This time we dated few times and then fell in love with each other. We are soon planning to marry each other but her past is killing me inside.
> 
> 1) She had past 2 relations, I was a virgin. She is my first. She told me she never loved them. Both her 2 relations were only for fun. She never wanted to marry them. She had planned to just have fun and mess around. Later in life, she would marry some rich old man because she never believed in love. She had two men who wanted to marry her but she had kept them just as an option because she dint love anyone. She had also accepted to marry one of them. When we met, I had no idea of such thing. We fell in love and now she has stopped talking to all of them. We are soon planning to get married.
> 
> 2) In her past relations, she dint even wanted to have sex. She had sex with them just because she they were gf and bf and it was necessary. She dint even like kissing them. Since we have been together, all these thought have changed.am I being lied to? The visions of her and her exes having sex never seem to get out of my mind. It is making me sick inside. The fact that she had them for fun never seems to go away. I do want to marry her and love her but the fact that she’s been there done that makes me hurt.
> 
> 3) Her past often makes me angry and it is affecting our relation.  
>  I love her but hate her for her past.  
>  Kindly please help me,  
>  thank you
> 
> Issue with Girlfriend’s Past
A. It is not uncommon for people to have had a few intimate relationships by their late 20s. My guess is that you being a virgin and her having had experience in relationships is at the root of your concern. It is hard to imagine something we have not experienced.

That having been said it is important to note that at this stage of life it is unlikely that you will meet anyone that has not had a past romantic relationship. I would focus on the here and now you have with her. Here is what you have said:

1. She has stopped contact with others. This is a very good sign of her intention and commitment.
2. She has described her relationships in a way that makes sense – meaning that she was not in love and maintained them because she wanted options.
3. Her relationship with you has changed her thoughts and feelings about herself and what she wants.

Taken together this would seem to be a good indication of her commitment and willingness to be a partner with you. Your relationship is new, and this will mean that as you grow together these concerns are likely to take a back seat. Meditation may be an excellent way for you to modulate your feelings and angst about the situation. Over time her commitment to you will dispel these concerns.

Wishing you patience and peace,  
 *Dr. Dan*  
 [*Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral*](https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/danielt/)

Issue with Girlfriend’s Past
i hear you and feel so sorry for you that it's not working out as you want... i hear you actually you're like a dear friend of mine...but i can't help but point out a few points. seriously, listen up i'm not trying to judge you or anything.. belive me. but you know it's so uncool of you to say that you've been used, since you both agreed to have sex, come on.. we're grown ups not underage girls.. how the heck the 'being used' part come from?(actually that kind of attitude might have freaked him out i think..) and also i don't really see what he has done wrong so far if it was clear you two were just friends with benefits. i mean seriously, he's not your boyfriend, and you're acting like as if he is.. but you know.. i completely understand that you're having hard time with your ex. you liked him so sweet and listened to you.. trying to understand what you're going throw.. your bf's hurting you, it's because i see girls who suffer from bad relationship and honestly? if he's no good for you and he's hurting you and if another guy help you get out of that deep hell, go for it(im selfish i know, sorry). but you aren't happy, because you found a wrong guy(not that he's wrong, it's just he is not a guy who can give you what you need and want) that made it clear that it was just sex, and you two are kinda friends(well you claim) which is fine. but you want him to be there for you, and be only with you no other girls. don't you see? why he's leaving you?how to change his mind.. honestly? after all these? that you freaked him out and you broke the rule of friends with benefits which is called 'feelings' with it's best friend 'jealousy', you were cheating on your boyfriend, and you said all your relationship with other guy? i don't see any possibilities(girls! don't you think it's a little bit unfair that to say i wanna be who i am , asking guys to be some kind of knights? ... )i hope you find another new sencere sweet boyfriend, i really do. but right now.. i really hate to say it but you and him? i don't think it's gonna happen. i'm so sorry... i think i haven't been any helpful but all mean words.. but i have dear friend who is going throw what you're going through...(at least it seems like to me..). and i really really hope you the best... really... a big hug.. find a guy who can give you want you want.. who can love you.. really..you be the dreamy girl... not despressed lonely girl... then right guy will come out..! my girlfriend is an artist and majored in art and english literature. yet i'm far more well-read than her in literature, am arguably a better artist and writer and of the two of us i'm the one currently in the process of a publishing company startup. she's also agreed hands down that i'm smarter than her despite her being older since i can tell you tons of useless fact shit about geography, history, i know the extensive history behind the opium wars and shit like that whereas when i start down one of these long lectures she'll just stare at me like "uhhh". there are two reasons for this: a: i never felt a classroom conducive to my learning experience (since the education system is fucking shit, it was concieved at the turn of the century during the industrial revolution when little worker bees were needed and the system is therefore a way to create workers, yes men, not leaders and innovators. if there was something i was interested in during my high school days i went out and i learned about it first-hand. i read tons of books that interested me, i went to writer's guild meetings and read about all of the cliche's and processes of the industry. i self-published my first full-length novel when i was 19, it failed spectacularly because i knew next to nothing about marketing, promotion and advertising. so what did i do? i got into sales, started working sales jobs, learning how to market, promote and advertise and reach and engage existing and potential customers. when i decided i wanted to start a publishing company what did i do? went into other publishing companies, introduced myself as their potential competition and asked to go over their processes and strategies with them. i then realized i knew next to nothing about running a business or handling finances... so i got a job as a customer service rep at a bank, essentially a loan officer. handling day-to-day finances, helping out with business accounting and handling customer processes, all the stuff i'd need for my own company. b: i was alone a lot when i was younger. as a kid i had a lot of time to learn because i never spent time partying, having sex or drinking or even hanging out really. i had no one to hang out with. so my time was simply divided between me and... me. i learned everything i needed to and now it's all coming back to benefit me. don't get me wrong my gf's party days (which still continue now) were great, but they deprived her of the potential learning time she could have had to my level. i found out she had sex with another guy and confronted her. she cried and said she was sorry and said she was devastated that she hurt me. we worked on it for four months, during which time i said that i wanted all the facts. everything. don't hold back. i needed the truth to move on from the lies. i told her that it wasn't so much the actual sex that ate away at me. it was the lies and cover ups that shattered my trust. she said she would do that and anything else i needed. well, she had said she only hooked up with him three times and that it was mostly just companionship while i was long distance. (smh at how stupid i was.) then i found out that it was a four month affair. sleepovers multiple times a week. dates and picnics. pdas. going to the gym. going to his baseball games. cooking together. playing house. and unprotected sex with him while she was having unprotected sex with me. all her friends knew. and the ultimate infidelity is that she really was grooming him to be her boyfriend without ever telling him she was dating me. she lied to both of us. that's when i realized that she was never was truly sorry for doing something wrong. because she didn't see it as wrong. just exploring her options. she was only sorry she got caught. but, like an idiot, i tried for another four months. i was blinded by love and lust and the connection we had. finally i just realized that, even though i loved so much about her, she was not the one for me. trust is absolutely the foundational requirement for a healthy relationship. without it, there is nothing. maybe, if she has a self-esteem problem. in the end what you'll get is lots of cuts and bruises, and a bad sexual experience that makes you feel embarrassed every time you think about it for the rest of your life. that friend zone is bs mate. the best relationships are many times with someone you are familiar to and really great friends with. my girlfriend now is my best friend and was before we started to date. at first she wasn't sure; so we took it slow. but now we are very much so in love. i wouldn't change anything about how we got together; i wouldn't want to be with anyone else. you two are great friends? all you can do is be there for her; and tell her your honest feelings. this may be awkward and hard to do; but if you really like her it is worth the risk. nobody ever got anywhere important without risking big things. if she doesn't reciprocate these feelings all hope isn't lost; if she is that important to you where you cant move on then don't give up. she may see you in a different light knowing you would not give up on her. meaning if she says no; don't just go for what you can get next. keep to it for a while; months; years even depending on your connection, i waited 5 months until she actually gave us a chance, i told her straightforward that i was the man for her and would prove it to her. all in all it will be worth it because you'd be staying true to yourself. friend zones don't exist; there's just compatible people and non compatible. a friend zone is something people put themselves in when they give up; or when they give up after being told they are like a brother to the girl. don't give up and you will be something different to her; if but a way closer friend than before because your feelings and how much you care for her will be monumentally greater than she realized before hand. yeah that happened time ago, with a girl from europe, we "met" online we had the "greatest" connection, it felt like we knew each other from years before, but there was something we didn't talk and is "well this is great but you are in the other part of the world now," of course money , distance, even the fact we were completely strangers, we didn't talk never, (for months) where things were going, long story short, she got into another more time consuming job, things begin to get cold quickly, then one day she just didn't reply anymore, 2nd experience, i met her online, she visited me couple of times while been here , yeah she was from europe too, (for distance reference purpose ) we had great time , but things were like this is great we just have a very different life each one on their own country, we are incredible far to make things work at least for now, we still keep in contact for years as very good friends, good luck probably you both make it and find the way things work "faster" : ) First of all, you can't fight for a relationship your partner is not ready to protect. He's given it up and you fighting for it is completely useless at the moment..   
  
I understand what he's going through because my culture is strict since I'm Arab. So I undersyand how stressed and pressured he must feel for disobeying his parents. I bet he feels guilty enough for changing his religion, so having a girlfriend makes him feel even more guilty.   
  
If he chose to leave the relationship although he truly loved you then he has a good reason for it. I imagine he doesn't want you to have a bad future with him where his parents won't ever approve of your relationship, And he wants to avoid that family drama for your and his own good.   
  
U can have one last talk to him and tell him to rethink it because to be honest, right now this relationship depends solely on him. And I think he might have been really influenced by his parents so he made a rushed decision, maybe a wise one, but still rushed. If he takes his time he might change his mind. so, that happened in the boarding school. 1.5 years ago we played truth and dare. i always choose truth but there was one time i didn't. however, i had to write the last person i texted (expect a family member) that i have a crush on them. i did. and it was one of the worst things i've ever experienced. we were really good. she was my (internet) friend. the thing is that she had a crush on me and i didn't know it. i mean she was flirting a few times before but i didn't get it. seriously. i was so insecure and didn't want to write it. but i really expected that she will friendzone me lol and then i wanted to explain it. and nope, it was the contrary. we don't talk anymore. i feel like there is a developing interest happening on her part. in my opinion. you could try talking about romantic relationships in general and see if the conversation goes anywhere. you could also try getting closer to her, maybe flirt a tiny bit and see where she's at. sorry if this doesn't help :( well this happened to me (a bit younger at first and then a five year break before continuing) and it's made me distrusting of people, especially boys or people i date. it made me feel like they saw me as easy, and even now i feel like i am. i'm mostly normal (with some side effects from the memories) but i really have problems with people flirting and giving me compliments