Should I end things?



 Me and my wife have had a bad run lately, we also have 4 young kids.   
I work from 5am-4pm and she stays home and deals with the kids.   
I get home from work and we deal with the kids and hardly say words to each other. This is year 5 for us and apart from wanting to be home with the kids I don't want to go home. It's not as fun as it was even 3 months ago.
I I feel as though the biggest reason why circumstances like this don't get fixed is because the two marriage partners don't actually try to fix it. They don't talk it through in depth, they don't try hard enough, maybe they'll try a little and give up, but in the end, it's them not giving the time of day to truly fix it. I would love for your relationship to be brought back to light and fruition. Talk, talk, talk. Take a vacation, break, day off. Anything. Maybe even couples therapy. The point is, you CAN make it work and fix your situation.
don’t feel guilty. i think a lot of people feel this way at some point after having kids, but no one wants to be honest or talk about it. is it not having time that is making you depressed? or is it the loss of freedom? i am a stay at home mom to a 2 1/2 year old and went through a lot of the same things you’re describing. i can tell you that it gets easier to find time as baby’s sleep gets more predictable. past that, we wound up “splitting” most weekends. i sleep in on saturday morning, and my husband sleeps in on sunday. after i wake up on saturday, he usually goes to play golf, and i go to the movies or brunch or something on sunday. i wish i could give you a magic answer, but you just have to play around with your time and see what works best for you. the worst thing you can do is let yourself get into a rut. try to talk to your wife openly and honestly about what you’re feeling. plz don't break your relationship... bcoz now u have more responsibilities than before... u have 2 maintain your relationship vth both your hubby and your kid.. treat your hubby also like your baby. give equal importance to both. do wt ever he likes and try to love him more than before. have you considered couple counseling? this would help to work on the problems that made you separate to begin with...it sounds like you both still love each other... and perhaps the separation has done the relationship some good, in making you both appreciate each other more... if you really want to know if its for real ask her to go to counseling with you... if shes serious about working on the relationship and getting back together.... she will definitely go! you both need to be more open about your feelings, and take the emotional risk if you want it to work out...best wishes!!!!!!!!! my life at this precise moment has been alot better,i got a phone call at 5am this morning from my daughters friends mam (my daughter had gone camping with her friends family)saying that my daughter has been vomiting and isn't feeling very well and my daughter really wants to come home,so i got my mam to baby sit my 3 other children and i drove to wilson's promontory(4 hours drive from me)to get my daughter.i got there fine,but on my way back i vomited and had to pull over for an hour until i felt a bit better to drive.it took 6 hours to get home,as i had to keep pulling over to be sick.when i got home i couldn't wait to get to bed,but when i got home my 3 other children were all in bed vomiting and feeling just as sick,so at the moment i am on here trying to keep myself awake until my husband gets home from work so i can go straight to bed.(keep your fingers crossed for me that my husband doesn't come home sick as well and that every one is feeling better soon. A.  I think your analysis of the situation is correct. Your husband’s fears about not being able to perform are bigger than his concern for his 21 year marriage. Imagine how big those fears must be! The doctors who were trying to help weren’t helpful in that they treated the physical problem without taking into account the emotional message of their interventions. I wish they had talked to him about how normal it is for a man who is under lots of pressure to have trouble performing. I wish they had included you in the discussions.


You probably can’t help him understand that he is running away. At this point, he’s had 10 years of believing that whatever is wrong can’t be fixed. For that reason, I think it would be more helpful for you to start going to a therapist yourself — not because I think you are the patient here but because your relationship is in trouble. When one member of a couple has a problem, the couple has a problem. When one member of a couple starts to go to [therapy](https://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/) and starts learning new ways to manage stress, it shows. Often that makes the other member of the couple willing to give it a try. Work with a therapist who can hear your whole story and who can give you suggestions about how to approach your husband in new ways. 



You’ve done what you can on your own. Your husband is a lucky man indeed to have a wife who is as understanding and as willing to help as you are. But both you and your husband are missing out on the intimacy that is a special part of a long marriage. For that reason, I encourage you to make an appointment and get started with therapy. 


I wish you well.  

Dr. Marie


Work as Avoidance Technique More than likely, you're experiencing Compassion Fatigue which is defined as   
 a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress.  
  
Google it, and take the test online to see if you suffer from it vs. burnout; there is a big difference. Here is an article on the subject:  
  
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/compassion-fatigue  
  
Here's a link to the Compassion Fatigue test for helpers:  
  
https://www.michvma.org/resources/Documents/Prof.%20Competencies/2017%20Proceedings/figley%20self%20assessment%202.pdf  
  
Please don't ever think of yourself as a horrible, careless person! We are all human and as such, have our breaking points, especially after care giving for years on end. Don't think of yourself as some being that should be able to handle all that's thrown at you without breaking down........that's not realistic or healthy. Nor is it realistic or healthy for you to be in such a position to be a personal caregiver to a mother who's been so sick for so long. A nursing home is staffed with teams of caregivers who work around the clock precisely so that one or two people don't have to suffer the tremendous burden that you and your father have been suffering. You're only two people doing the job of a large TEAM of people; so it's no wonder you're feeling this way.  
  
Wishing you the best of luck in finding peace and joy for yourself amidst the duties you've taken on. yes, unemployment puts a strain on any individual and any relationship. <br><br>however, i don&#39;t see how i can recommend taking up paid sex as a solution for problems, though i can understand how you might find the idea tempting in more ways than one. what does your husband think of the idea ? he could hardly fail to be curious about where the new money was coming from. otherwise, how could you explain it to him ? <br><br>i agree with maria. <br> You can't help them. It is there problem not yours. By the sound of it they just aren't in love anymore. It happens. As the child you just have to stay out of it and accept it. I mean they deserve happiness Even if it isn't each other be irritated and raise your concerns. working moms would have more help if men were given more benefits. it's great for everyone. A. It’s difficult to assess the seriousness of this on the basis of only a letter so let me just share a couple of thoughts.

People by nature tend to fall somewhere on a scale from introvert to extrovert. It may be that at least part of this is that you are on the introvert end of the scale. There is nothing wrong with that! But, the larger culture celebrates extroverts. In high school, the general idea is that everyone is supposed to be outgoing and popular. Of course, not everyone can be. Not everyone wants to be. So let’s at least assume that part of what goes on is that you have a more restrained approach to life. One thing that supports this is that you do have a couple of close friends and that seems to be enough for you.

As for being out with others: I wonder if you have developed the skills you need to be comfortable out in the social world. Introverts can and do learn how to manage social situations enough so that they can be successful in their careers and can find loving relationships. Notice that I said “skills”. Skills are behaviors you can learn (like how to make small talk, how to be an active listener, how to be a good communicator, etc.). As you get more practiced in these skills, you will be more comfortable being with people for longer periods of time. But you will still need your alone time to “recover” from a lot of social interaction.

The line in your letter that does worry me is your statement that you can spend hours holed up in your room and in bed. Yes, you may need time to recharge your social batteries but it would do a lot more for your self-esteem if you would use that time to pursue an interest or to do something to make the world a better place. Think about ways to support a cause or candidate or to educate yourself about something you are genuinely interested in. You will feel better about yourself than if you just hang out wondering if there is something wrong with you. An important bonus is that it will give you more to talk about when you are with people.

I hope this is helpful. I wish you well.  
 Dr. Marie

I Want or Need to Be Alone