Why Do I Have Abusive Thoughts?




> From a teen in the U.S.: Whenever I do something mildly wrong, get called an idiot, or just generally feel upset, I feel the need to have violent fantasies about being sexually, emotionally, or physically abused until I cry. The fantasies have been following the same narrative where someone severely abuses me and is justified because I did something horribly wrong to my abuser or their family member.
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> These fantasies first started in 7th grade when my teacher got upset with me for doing my homework during a group discussion. She stood me up in the middle of class, asked me a question that I should have known the answer to, and yelled at me for getting it wrong. I cried for the rest of the day because I could not stop thinking about what she told me (I don’t even remember what she said). Sometimes I wonder if that had not happened whether or not I would be like this today or if its caused by someting deeper.
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> Prior to this occurence I never had these fantasies or even cried often, but after that event I spent the next couple of years having these fantasies until I cried in the afternoons and before bed at least once a day(my family never found out I did this).
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> I do not have them as often now, but occasionally I will feel the urge to do this and I cannot concentrate until I do. I don’t cry after fantasies anymore, but I will start to feel nauseous and sick instead. I don’t understand why I can’t keep myself from doing this or why I find it sort of relieving. I have never been abused in any way and my family is good to me. The fantasies have become very normal to me, but I sometimes find it to be too debilitating and disturbing. They make me feel horrible about myself, but I don’t know how to stop. What does this mean and what do I do?
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> Why Do I Have Abusive Thoughts?
A.Thank you for writing. I’m sure this is hard to live with. I think you keep having the fantasies because at some point they worked for you. You are a sensitive young woman who has a strong moral compass.

In 7th grade, you knew you had done something wrong and earned the reprimand. But, being you, you couldn’t let it go. You felt so bad about it that you went over it and over it. Crying may have relieved some of the intense feelings of shame and perhaps anger that went with thinking about what happened. If it had stopped there, it would have been an unfortunate reaction to a very usual piece of mischief that kids do.

But being as concerned as you are with right and wrong, any time since then that you have felt accused or reprimanded, it has reminded you of that first time when you were not only wrong but humiliated for it. Your unconscious self then also remembered that crying gave you some relief.

I suspect the “lesson” generalized and you started to cry any time you needed relief from stress. Stress just comes with being a teen so there was probably reason to look for some relief every day. But then you end up feeling bad that you feel bad. That must feel terrible!

Unfortunately, your reaction has become a kind of bad habit. Having practiced it for years, feeling sick or crying is an automatic response to stress.

You need some new ways to handle stress and shame. Maybe you can figure it out yourself but you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist who could give you some new tools and help you practice them. I hope you will consider seeing a licensed therapist to help you with this so you can go forward into adult life with less distressing ways for relieving anxieties and stress.

I wish you well

Dr. Marie

Why Do I Have Abusive Thoughts?
with a therapist or psychologist that you trust. such a person will help you sort out what is making you think you were abused and feelings associated with this idea and how this affects you life today. you can find a psychologist close to you here: locator.apa.org find someone who knows about sexual abuse and who you like and who feels safe. see more... @a myfibroteam member 

how nice of you to say that. i, like many others, have asked god why? why am i the one who has this painful, incurable illness? why am i the one with major depressive disorder? why am i the one that was sexually assaulted so many times? why am i the one who has had to take care of my sister’s children, help them pay for their educations, and support them as they navigate the waters of this crazy world we live in? why me? i made a conscious decision a few years ago, when my lifelong emotional scares got out of control, that i would make one of the answers to those questions be “to help others navigate through this thing called life”. if i can help just one person feel less alone, or like someone cares, or like there is hope after all i will have succeed at life. if i can help just one person fight back instead of giving in my life has a purpose. as a result, this normally very private person has gradually learned to be very open. i am not ashamed of the things that happened...disappointed or angry yes but not ashamed. i talk openly about how major depressive disorder has affected my life and how i’ve been able to come to terms with it. i talk openly about close brushes with suicide and what worked to get me back to a better place mentally. i talk a little less openly about the impact sexual assault had on every aspect of my life (that one is harder because i’m still working on some of the emotions and reactions around it). i talk openly about the changes i’m having to make as fibromyalgia makes itself more and more obvious in me. i’m not perfect. i still get angry and upset. i still get frustrated. i still feel hopeless sometimes. i feel all the negative emotions everyone else does but if i can help just one person, i will have a reason for all i’ve gone through. perhaps people on this site are that reason. it is my deepest hope that others don’t have to suffer as i have but, if they have, i want to use my god-given caregiver heart to help them through. 

may god bless and keep you. 

shirley well this happened to me (a bit younger at first and then a five year break before continuing) and it's made me distrusting of people, especially boys or people i date. it made me feel like they saw me as easy, and even now i feel like i am. i'm mostly normal (with some side effects from the memories) but i really have problems with people flirting and giving me compliments What do you think of bullying?   

- Bullying awful and horrible. It's really hard to get over the bullying and try to move on. Bullying causes so many problems and a lot of people develop mental health problems like depression, stress, anxiety and they lead to self harm, have suicidal thoughts and even take their own lives. Bullying is horrible and nobody deserves to be bullied.   

  

Were you bullied, or were you the bully?   

- Yes, I was bullied for 5 years and I suffered from physical and emotional bullying. They spat at me, called me names, punched me in the stomach and beat me up. It was the worst point in my life and it led me to suffer from depression   

  

Why do you think people bully?   

- They are evil. They're jealous and are pathetic   

  

xoxo i hear you and feel so sorry for you that it's not working out as you want... i hear you actually you're like a dear friend of mine...but i can't help but point out a few points. seriously, listen up i'm not trying to judge you or anything.. belive me. but you know it's so uncool of you to say that you've been used, since you both agreed to have sex, come on.. we're grown ups not underage girls.. how the heck the 'being used' part come from?(actually that kind of attitude might have freaked him out i think..) and also i don't really see what he has done wrong so far if it was clear you two were just friends with benefits. i mean seriously, he's not your boyfriend, and you're acting like as if he is.. but you know.. i completely understand that you're having hard time with your ex. you liked him so sweet and listened to you.. trying to understand what you're going throw.. your bf's hurting you, it's because i see girls who suffer from bad relationship and honestly? if he's no good for you and he's hurting you and if another guy help you get out of that deep hell, go for it(im selfish i know, sorry). but you aren't happy, because you found a wrong guy(not that he's wrong, it's just he is not a guy who can give you what you need and want) that made it clear that it was just sex, and you two are kinda friends(well you claim) which is fine. but you want him to be there for you, and be only with you no other girls. don't you see? why he's leaving you?how to change his mind.. honestly? after all these? that you freaked him out and you broke the rule of friends with benefits which is called 'feelings' with it's best friend 'jealousy', you were cheating on your boyfriend, and you said all your relationship with other guy? i don't see any possibilities(girls! don't you think it's a little bit unfair that to say i wanna be who i am , asking guys to be some kind of knights? ... )i hope you find another new sencere sweet boyfriend, i really do. but right now.. i really hate to say it but you and him? i don't think it's gonna happen. i'm so sorry... i think i haven't been any helpful but all mean words.. but i have dear friend who is going throw what you're going through...(at least it seems like to me..). and i really really hope you the best... really... a big hug.. find a guy who can give you want you want.. who can love you.. really..you be the dreamy girl... not despressed lonely girl... then right guy will come out..! hi lg, <br>it&#39;ll be interesting to see ( after the weekend, when most readers will be back ) what other people think of the situation you describe. it sounds as if your parents probably are a bit too strict, but with all they hear and see of the dangers of the world today, one can understand their fears  and its even worse when parents don&#39;t care at all. sometimes they may seem to be hypocritical, when they&#39;re actually trying to get you to avoid mistakes they made. your sister sounds immature and spiteful. what would they think if you said you wanted to see a shrink or counsellor to work on the problems they have identified in your behaviour ? ( that way, it makes it harder for them to object  and indeed these diferent perceptions of what is a "problem") ought to be part of what you&#39;d discuss with a counsellor. be cautious about your overdose idea  apart from the obvious dangers to yourself, it&#39;d surely also give them much sronger grounds for being even stricter, which is the exact opposite of what you want to achieve. this is absolutely clasic and typical obsessive-compulsive disorder. see a good local psychiatrist for a full assessment and assistance. drugs like nuzak can help, and also cbt style counselling. fortunately this is very successfully treatable, and so you can get it cleared up without extra delay. Well, I can sit here and tell you the things that I'm pretty sure you are well aware of like; hang out with friends, join new things, exercise and etc. And yes, all of these things are a great way to get your mind off of someone, but forgetting them is something hard and I personally think, you can never do. Let's be honest, the relationship failed and it hurts because right now you miss them. And let may say, that is perfectly normal, it tells me that you cared but also you aren't numbing yourself to pain (Via drinking is an example of numbing). That you are a passionate person who still believes in love and who deserved happiness. The last thing I want you to do is to forget that person and pretend it doesn't hurt, even though you may seem fine, when you're alone, truly who are you fooling? The number one tip I have for you, is to ALLOW yourself to feel pain, allow yourself to cry and allow and yourself to grow. This is a great opportunity to rebuild yourself, to do it for only yourself and for you to reflect. So when those tears are gone, stand up on your own two feet and start doing the things you love, not to distract and forget, but rather reflect and build. The best way to "forget" someone is to realize that yes this pain hurts, that yes this pain is temporary and yes I will get through and improve whether spiritually, physically or emotionally. It's going to hurt like hell, but if you can see this pain with a clear mind, eventually you'll realize a life without them. Don't forget, smile and realize that there will be someone out there willing to show you love once more. Another thing that really helped me was that I started looking at it objectively, and I had this realization that I was more disappointed that he wasn't the one, rather than just flat out missing him. Wishing you the best of luck, never forget, smile because you've learned something and will continue to learn. relax. that's not pedophilia. pedophilia is a sexual attraction to children- not minors, children. prepubescents. someone who's 17 is definitely no longer a child; in almost all the us, they're above the age of consent. barring some rare and very specific medical problems, they are a full sexual being. now, you may feel he's still too young, and that's fine, but think back to when you were seventeen- you had sexual urges and feelings, didn't you? why would it be any different for him? let the fear go. he's an attractive young man, and your a health young woman; the appeal is natural. in this regard, you are perfectly normal.morally, there is nothing wrong with pedophilia; it's just a feeling. you do not control your feelings, but you do control your actions. it is the action- child molestation- that is reprehensible. not the attraction. it does not harm a person in any way to have others be attracted to them. having sex is a different matter, but you realize that it would be a bad idea in this case, so you don't do it. my girlfriend is an artist and majored in art and english literature. yet i'm far more well-read than her in literature, am arguably a better artist and writer and of the two of us i'm the one currently in the process of a publishing company startup. she's also agreed hands down that i'm smarter than her despite her being older since i can tell you tons of useless fact shit about geography, history, i know the extensive history behind the opium wars and shit like that whereas when i start down one of these long lectures she'll just stare at me like "uhhh". there are two reasons for this: a: i never felt a classroom conducive to my learning experience (since the education system is fucking shit, it was concieved at the turn of the century during the industrial revolution when little worker bees were needed and the system is therefore a way to create workers, yes men, not leaders and innovators. if there was something i was interested in during my high school days i went out and i learned about it first-hand. i read tons of books that interested me, i went to writer's guild meetings and read about all of the cliche's and processes of the industry. i self-published my first full-length novel when i was 19, it failed spectacularly because i knew next to nothing about marketing, promotion and advertising. so what did i do? i got into sales, started working sales jobs, learning how to market, promote and advertise and reach and engage existing and potential customers. when i decided i wanted to start a publishing company what did i do? went into other publishing companies, introduced myself as their potential competition and asked to go over their processes and strategies with them. i then realized i knew next to nothing about running a business or handling finances... so i got a job as a customer service rep at a bank, essentially a loan officer. handling day-to-day finances, helping out with business accounting and handling customer processes, all the stuff i'd need for my own company. b: i was alone a lot when i was younger. as a kid i had a lot of time to learn because i never spent time partying, having sex or drinking or even hanging out really. i had no one to hang out with. so my time was simply divided between me and... me. i learned everything i needed to and now it's all coming back to benefit me. don't get me wrong my gf's party days (which still continue now) were great, but they deprived her of the potential learning time she could have had to my level.