indecent proposal
good day cybershrink<br><br>i am a married woman, married for 8 months but with my partner on and off for 12 years. i am currently taking cilift daily for bouts of depression for years now. i am seeing a therapist but guess i just needed your thoughts on the matter as well. <br><br>my husband has been out of permanent employment for about 2 years now and this strain has indeed caused many trials in our relationship. we are still staying with my parents, have no kids and even though the situation might sound horrendous to many people, we love one another deeply. <br><br>i have posted here before about our difficulties, particularly due to him not working and him naturally not being in the mood for sex, also of course due to us living with my parents, feeling like we are kids, etc. <br><br>anyway, this past month has hit us so hard financially that we have had to sell so many household and clothing items. i am taking care of my parents and sister who is on a disability grant as well. i posted an advert on a local want ad section where i requested a way to make extra money. <br><br>i received many strange offers, one offering me money to have sex with him occasionally. i felt really drawn to this offer prompting details from him and comtemplating heavily on the idea. <br><br>we have been liasing back and forth via e-mail and i think i am more tempted by the sex than the money to be honest.even though the money he is offering will probably help me keep a roof over our heads i do not want to be unfaithful nor do i want to be a prostitute. <br><br>there is however this other voice that is telling me i should do what feels good and enjoy the offer that is being presented to me, the same voice that wants to lure me to a dark place i really dont want to be a part of. <br><br>i felt like telling my husband but dont want him to feel more pressure as he is trying very hard to find a permanent job, he cleans and runs errands wherever he can. he is also seeing a therapist due to this stress. as i say i have written before regarding my occasional fantasies and sexual infatuations i mentally construct but never has it been this close to actually happening i think. <br><br>i was raped when i was 16 if this may help, anyway i really would appreciate your thoughts on this matter.
yes, unemployment puts a strain on any individual and any relationship. <br><br>however, i don&#39;t see how i can recommend taking up paid sex as a solution for problems, though i can understand how you might find the idea tempting in more ways than one. what does your husband think of the idea ? he could hardly fail to be curious about where the new money was coming from. otherwise, how could you explain it to him ? <br><br>i agree with maria. <br>
A. I’m very glad that you are asking these questions before you get married. You’ve listed a number of issues that make it difficult for a couple to have a mutually satisfying and happy sex life. Your fiance has suffered a traumatic sexual assault. Religious teachings from an early age may have taught her that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. On top of that, she is just plain tired.


It is a positive comment on your sensitivity and love that you are seeking answers instead of just being upset or blaming. That speaks well for your relationship. Since the two of you have such a difficult time talking about sex, I think you need some help. A counselor can provide a safe place and guidance so that you can work this through. Since you both have a Christian background, a Christian couples counselor might be a good choice.



I wish you well.  

Dr. Marie


How Can My Fiance and I Have a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life? A.  I think your analysis of the situation is correct. Your husband’s fears about not being able to perform are bigger than his concern for his 21 year marriage. Imagine how big those fears must be! The doctors who were trying to help weren’t helpful in that they treated the physical problem without taking into account the emotional message of their interventions. I wish they had talked to him about how normal it is for a man who is under lots of pressure to have trouble performing. I wish they had included you in the discussions.


You probably can’t help him understand that he is running away. At this point, he’s had 10 years of believing that whatever is wrong can’t be fixed. For that reason, I think it would be more helpful for you to start going to a therapist yourself — not because I think you are the patient here but because your relationship is in trouble. When one member of a couple has a problem, the couple has a problem. When one member of a couple starts to go to [therapy](https://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/) and starts learning new ways to manage stress, it shows. Often that makes the other member of the couple willing to give it a try. Work with a therapist who can hear your whole story and who can give you suggestions about how to approach your husband in new ways. 



You’ve done what you can on your own. Your husband is a lucky man indeed to have a wife who is as understanding and as willing to help as you are. But both you and your husband are missing out on the intimacy that is a special part of a long marriage. For that reason, I encourage you to make an appointment and get started with therapy. 


I wish you well.  

Dr. Marie


Work as Avoidance Technique being married for 20 years i find the idea exciting and a major turn on. in fact i find it so hot. a number of years ago my wife went away for a girls weekend twice to a local beach-ie island getaway. we're very open and she told me how she was a bad girl in the party/bar pool. a hot guy was digging her and bought all her drinks. they got really touchy feely in the pool and she enjoyed being grouped and rubbed and grouping rubbing him. she even snuck her hands in his swim shorts and played with him. this action went on for hours. stroking, rubbing, grabbing, making out.when she got home i threw her in bed, made her tell me her all the dirty details, then we had the hottest sex. the next year she went back for the same girls weekend. i basically gave her open permission to do what she wants. i even highly encouraged her to be even more dirty. but she doesn't really have an interest in doing more, so her dirtiness didn't get any more than the first time she was there. nevertheless she came home and we banged hard as she told me the bad things she did do. that is about as wild as things have gotten, mostly because she doesn't have an interest to do more with other guys. however, i would be open to having a very kinky arrangements if she was game. have you considered couple counseling? this would help to work on the problems that made you separate to begin with...it sounds like you both still love each other... and perhaps the separation has done the relationship some good, in making you both appreciate each other more... if you really want to know if its for real ask her to go to counseling with you... if shes serious about working on the relationship and getting back together.... she will definitely go! you both need to be more open about your feelings, and take the emotional risk if you want it to work out...best wishes!!!!!!!!! i hear you and feel so sorry for you that it's not working out as you want... i hear you actually you're like a dear friend of mine...but i can't help but point out a few points. seriously, listen up i'm not trying to judge you or anything.. belive me. but you know it's so uncool of you to say that you've been used, since you both agreed to have sex, come on.. we're grown ups not underage girls.. how the heck the 'being used' part come from?(actually that kind of attitude might have freaked him out i think..) and also i don't really see what he has done wrong so far if it was clear you two were just friends with benefits. i mean seriously, he's not your boyfriend, and you're acting like as if he is.. but you know.. i completely understand that you're having hard time with your ex. you liked him so sweet and listened to you.. trying to understand what you're going throw.. your bf's hurting you, it's because i see girls who suffer from bad relationship and honestly? if he's no good for you and he's hurting you and if another guy help you get out of that deep hell, go for it(im selfish i know, sorry). but you aren't happy, because you found a wrong guy(not that he's wrong, it's just he is not a guy who can give you what you need and want) that made it clear that it was just sex, and you two are kinda friends(well you claim) which is fine. but you want him to be there for you, and be only with you no other girls. don't you see? why he's leaving you?how to change his mind.. honestly? after all these? that you freaked him out and you broke the rule of friends with benefits which is called 'feelings' with it's best friend 'jealousy', you were cheating on your boyfriend, and you said all your relationship with other guy? i don't see any possibilities(girls! don't you think it's a little bit unfair that to say i wanna be who i am , asking guys to be some kind of knights? ... )i hope you find another new sencere sweet boyfriend, i really do. but right now.. i really hate to say it but you and him? i don't think it's gonna happen. i'm so sorry... i think i haven't been any helpful but all mean words.. but i have dear friend who is going throw what you're going through...(at least it seems like to me..). and i really really hope you the best... really... a big hug.. find a guy who can give you want you want.. who can love you.. really..you be the dreamy girl... not despressed lonely girl... then right guy will come out..! don’t feel guilty. i think a lot of people feel this way at some point after having kids, but no one wants to be honest or talk about it. is it not having time that is making you depressed? or is it the loss of freedom? i am a stay at home mom to a 2 1/2 year old and went through a lot of the same things you’re describing. i can tell you that it gets easier to find time as baby’s sleep gets more predictable. past that, we wound up “splitting” most weekends. i sleep in on saturday morning, and my husband sleeps in on sunday. after i wake up on saturday, he usually goes to play golf, and i go to the movies or brunch or something on sunday. i wish i could give you a magic answer, but you just have to play around with your time and see what works best for you. the worst thing you can do is let yourself get into a rut. try to talk to your wife openly and honestly about what you’re feeling. @a myfibroteam member 

how nice of you to say that. i, like many others, have asked god why? why am i the one who has this painful, incurable illness? why am i the one with major depressive disorder? why am i the one that was sexually assaulted so many times? why am i the one who has had to take care of my sister’s children, help them pay for their educations, and support them as they navigate the waters of this crazy world we live in? why me? i made a conscious decision a few years ago, when my lifelong emotional scares got out of control, that i would make one of the answers to those questions be “to help others navigate through this thing called life”. if i can help just one person feel less alone, or like someone cares, or like there is hope after all i will have succeed at life. if i can help just one person fight back instead of giving in my life has a purpose. as a result, this normally very private person has gradually learned to be very open. i am not ashamed of the things that happened...disappointed or angry yes but not ashamed. i talk openly about how major depressive disorder has affected my life and how i’ve been able to come to terms with it. i talk openly about close brushes with suicide and what worked to get me back to a better place mentally. i talk a little less openly about the impact sexual assault had on every aspect of my life (that one is harder because i’m still working on some of the emotions and reactions around it). i talk openly about the changes i’m having to make as fibromyalgia makes itself more and more obvious in me. i’m not perfect. i still get angry and upset. i still get frustrated. i still feel hopeless sometimes. i feel all the negative emotions everyone else does but if i can help just one person, i will have a reason for all i’ve gone through. perhaps people on this site are that reason. it is my deepest hope that others don’t have to suffer as i have but, if they have, i want to use my god-given caregiver heart to help them through. 

may god bless and keep you. 

shirley i found out she had sex with another guy and confronted her. she cried and said she was sorry and said she was devastated that she hurt me. we worked on it for four months, during which time i said that i wanted all the facts. everything. don't hold back. i needed the truth to move on from the lies. i told her that it wasn't so much the actual sex that ate away at me. it was the lies and cover ups that shattered my trust. she said she would do that and anything else i needed. well, she had said she only hooked up with him three times and that it was mostly just companionship while i was long distance. (smh at how stupid i was.) then i found out that it was a four month affair. sleepovers multiple times a week. dates and picnics. pdas. going to the gym. going to his baseball games. cooking together. playing house. and unprotected sex with him while she was having unprotected sex with me. all her friends knew. and the ultimate infidelity is that she really was grooming him to be her boyfriend without ever telling him she was dating me. she lied to both of us. that's when i realized that she was never was truly sorry for doing something wrong. because she didn't see it as wrong. just exploring her options. she was only sorry she got caught. but, like an idiot, i tried for another four months. i was blinded by love and lust and the connection we had. finally i just realized that, even though i loved so much about her, she was not the one for me. trust is absolutely the foundational requirement for a healthy relationship. without it, there is nothing. be irritated and raise your concerns. working moms would have more help if men were given more benefits. it's great for everyone. i would say they are a blessing cause it led me to the man i am with now. i started out on online dating really young. my parents were very strict no boyfriend until i am 18.. everyone at school had boyfriends and teased me cause i didn't so i went online and found a guy in indiana and dated him online from the time i was 16 to 18.. he came met me and my parents then i went to meet his parents and thats when i got the concussion that turned my life upside down.. when i was told i would never walk again (so thankful to god that turned out to be false) not even a week later he was gone and good riddance too! when i was 21 i moved to a new area and i grew up very sheltered so i had no idea what i was doing. i was going to be going to college soon after meeting 5 guys dylan, ryan, donald, justin and antonio.. dylan was the only one that understood it was just companionship i was wanting.. the rest wanted to sleep with me. had on my profile getting ready to go into my first year of college would like a loving, caring, thoughtful man by my side but hed have to know college will be my focus for these two years then we have the rest of our lives. but i realized that was too much to ask. went on many one meal dates after i was done college cameron, josh, matt, sean, scott, ben, will, andrew, curtis, trevor. nothing came of them all great guys just not great for me. tried to see dylan again but he wasn't interested he was more depressed couldnt shake him of it.. then i met david he was everything i wanted in his speech but he turned out to just be a fine talker and his actions didn't line up.. so it was hard to get rid of him dated a month took 2 to get in his head i wasn't interested.. then my parents and friends kept trying to set me up. so i thought if i dated someone farther away probably better so i dated jean-francois well i got a surprise im here message one saturday and he was great just when i went to his place i didn't feel at home he had no interest in moving here and i didn't want to move there he kept trying to pressure me to so i lied to him said i wanted my roommate since he kept on thinking we were involved but no taylor was like a big brother to me.. he wanted me to get a new place nothing ever made him happy technology wise if a new thing came out he had to have it making fun of my a5 phone yes its old but it still works :) so i felt almost not good enough for him.. then i dated another david online i never got the opportunity to meet i would really like to meet! he is absolutely amazing i think but after being misled before i didn't want to risk moving. then decided well fuck i must be the problem guys in person wanted to date me but if we dont agree on fundamentals there's no future! a guy online you can discuss these things better to ask what they are looking for then answer that question cause you could get played. so i took 6 months to myself avoided all family functions.. i prayed every day god would lead me to my husband.. i only dated guys i could see myself married to or if they convinced me they deserved a shot. i didn't ever want to date just to date. i wanted the next guy i dated to be my husband and we met on okcupid and was on the app less than a week when i met him felt like i always knew him and i just knew this is it and a year and 9 months still going strong. so as long as your prepared for things to not go as you expect your fine.. the guys i dated online were 100x better than the guy i dated that was a customer at my work. online your safer behind a screen and you meet in a public place after one meal you should have a good feeler on the person. its easier to say i think your a great person but i dont think wed be a great match because... i wish you the best of luck.. hope you find what your looking for.. they usually say thanks you too! friends or associates you already know in person are more stubborn and take things more personally when you dont think they are your type.