Want to create an SQL function that removes table row duplicates I'd be following the procedure outlined here (unless of course someone has a better way to do it), and I'm wondering if I could just have some help being pointed in the right direction on how to start. 

Basically I need help first on HOW to create functions, and general tips on making it adjustable for varying number of columns etc. This may be a very complicated task, as I have no previous experience making SQL functions, so please let me know if this is a difficult task for an SQL noobie working with MS SQL 2005.
That's a big first step for a self-identified newbie. If I read your question correctly, you're looking to create reusable code that will delete duplicates from an arbitrary table. I'm not going to show you how to do that because it's a) dangerous and b) non-trivial. But here's how I'd do it for one table:

with cte as (
   select row_number() over (partition by col_a, col_b order by col_a) as [rn]
   from tbl
)
delete cte
where [rn] &lt;&gt; 1


This code assumes that you have a table called tbl and you're using *col_a* and *col_b* together to determine uniqueness. What's going on here is that you're essentially enumerating all of the rows within a given set that would be considered duplicate and deleting all but the first.