// Text for Glitchmas 2011 items


function getPoemChoices() { 
	return [ {	contents:"Merry Glitchmas, tiny Glitch, and may you be all jolly \nand may each happy glitchy day be filled with frivolous folly \nMay each New Day bring you cheer \nAnd Beer cans filled with beer \nAnd Hairball Flowers to make you all hairbally.", 
						title:"Merry Glitchmas!", 
						url:"/c1.glitch.bz/img/glitchmas_cards/glitchmasreinpig_76887.jpg"
					  },
					  {	contents:"The mountains are all frosted \nwith snowy white No-No \nAnd I say happy Glitchmas \nWith a high class hoe hoe hoe.", 
						title:"Merry Glitchmas!", 
						url:"/c1.glitch.bz/img/glitchmas_cards/glitchmasyeti_76887.jpg"
					  },
					  {	contents:"The snow is on the mountains \nThe Rook is fast asleep \nThe Bubble Trees are grumbling in the dell \nIt's festive happy funtime \nor 'Glitchmas' if you like;\nSo happy that, and joy and stuff as well.", 
						title:"Merry Glitchmas!", 
						url:"/c1.glitch.bz/img/glitchmas_cards/glitchmasrube_76887.jpg"
					  },
					  { contents: "Here's a special message \nFor your health and safety rights: \nSure, Sparkly looks like snowballs\nBut DO NOT use it for fights. \n(Srsly).",
						title: "Merry Glitchmas!",
						url: "/c1.glitch.bz/img/glitchmas_cards/glitchmassnow_76887.jpg"
					  }
					];
}		

function getJokes() { 
	return [ {  question: "Why did the Glitch not buy a meditation device?", 
				answer: "Because he orb-ready had one."
			  },

			  { question: "How many Glitches does it take to change a lightbulb?",
				answer: "None. What's a lightbulb?"
			  },

			  { question: "What did the Sparkly in Ajaya Bliss say?",
				answer: "Hey! Why's everyone picking on me?!?"
			  },
			  
			  { question: "How do you get started mining rocks?",
				answer: "Pick one."
			  },

			  { question: "Why did the distiller carry an umbrella and a bucket?",
				answer: "Because he thought the clouds might pour with grain."
			  },

			  { question: "Why should you swap a Bean for a Cubimal if you get the chance?",
				answer: "Because it would be Rube not to."
			  },

			  { question: "Why did the Piggy wear a suit?",
				answer: "Because she was going to a business meating."
			  },
			  
			  { question: "What did the Glitchmas Yeti say when he found a house with three Patches?",
				answer: "Hoe, hoe, hoe!"
			  },

			  { question: "Why do philosophy students study Dirt Piles?",
				answer: "Because Loam is where Descartes is."
			  },

			  { question: "Why did the bureaucrat cross the road?",
				answer: "Because he had the correct permit, filled out in triplicate."
			  },

			  { question: "What do giant devotees prefer to drink with breakfast?",
				answer: "A nice cup of Tii."
			  },

			  { question: "Why is the novice chef's food so bad?",
				answer: "He keeps making a Hash of it."
			  }, 
			  
			  { question: "Why was the Glitch happy to see a ghost?",
				answer: "It raised her spirits."
			  },

			  { question: "Why did the Glitch refuse to visit Newcot Close?",
				answer: "He had a fear of Heights."
			  }
		];
}

function getFactoids() { 
	return [
			  { fact: "Alph once tried mixing one of the more common base elements with Wine of the Dead. The resulting explosion created Ilmenskie Caverns." 
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "The thankfully rare Wine of the Dead was known to cause a hangover so bad that the brains of the ancients would occasionally jump out of their ears to escape it."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Humbaba is the only giant that walks on all fours."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Sprinkling, the Feast of Grendaline, was traditionally celebrated by soaking needy trees with water. And fellow Grendalinians. And, in fact, everyone else."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Dirt piles are the ancient remains of attempts to dig to the centre of Ur."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Butterflies once had wingspans the size of Uralia, but were scaled down by Cosma when one milk harvest flooded eight caverns."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Lem is short for Lemuel."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Rumour is that Batterflies, if milked, give exquisite pancake batter. But no one has got close enough to find out for years."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Zille was brought up in the circus."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Grendaline is short sighted in one eye. The other six are fine."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Grendaline is the youngest of all the giants, being the only one under 37 million years of age."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Cosma, giant controlling everything airborne, was the first to start imagining Ur. The others joined in later."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Bubble trees were first conceived by Cosma as a method of growing meditation orbs, but bubbles proved too thin-skinned and susceptible to corruption by rogue floating ideas."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Spriggan, giant in charge of all things treelike, has never been heard to speak. Even by the other giants."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "In the ancient times, before the Glitches happened along, there were devotees of every giant, divided into sovereign (sometimes warring) factions."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Friendly has four livers."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Mab, contrary to  popular opinion, does not have green fingers. Apart from that one time. With the infection."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Lemmites - ancient followers of Lem - were avid explorers, and responsible for naming most of the regions. Or at least the ones already imagined."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Zillots - the ancients loyal to Zille - believed in dragons, to the extent that they would seal off carverns thought to contain them."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Humbaba's favorite color is 'furry'."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Tii has three brains."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Spriggan sneezes out saplings."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Pot has five stomachs. Three of them are meat stomachs."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "If she holds her nose and imagines hard, Cosma can blow clouds out of her ears."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Tii is the most perfectly proportioned giant, and makes sure everyone knows it."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Alph's hair smells of explosions."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Despite rumors, Alph's real name is not Alphonse."
			  }, 
			  
			  { fact: "Legend has it Lem, jealous of Humbaba, once imagined animals known as 'lemmings', who lived mainly in Alakol and Salatu. None, however, survive."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Lem always wears a broken watch because he doesn't like knowing what the time is."
			  },
			  
			  { fact: "Mab only wears custom made shoes to accomodate her twelvteyseven toes."
			  }
		];
}