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<filename>packages/formula/src/index.ts
/******************************************************
* Created by nanyuantingfeng on 2019-05-07 18:56.
*****************************************************/
export * from './Formula'
export * from './Calculator'
export * from './types'
export * from './helpers'
export * from './formula-impls/ArithmeticFormula'
export * from './formula-impls/FunctionFormula'
export * from './Calculable'
|
/**
* Method that, given a SentenceBuilder with the string to process,
* extracts the string, scans it looking for whitespace characters sequences
* and requests either their deletion,
* if they are at the very beginning or at the very end end of the string
* or their their replacement with a blank space (" ") in any other case.
*
* @param builder a SentenceBuilder that holds the input String
* and can generate Editors to process it
* @param metadata additional information on the current pipe
* (not used in this specific operation)
* @return the SentenceBuilder received as a parameter;
* its internal state has been updated by the execution of the call() method
* @throws ProcessingException
*/
@Override
public SentenceBuilder call(SentenceBuilder builder, Map<String, Object> metadata) throws ProcessingException {
/*the current version of the String in the SentenceBuilder*/
char source[] = builder.toCharArray();
/*an Editor can analyze the text to request transformations*/
SentenceBuilder.Editor editor = builder.edit();
boolean sentenceBegin = true;
/*the position of first whitespace char in the current whitespace chars sequence,
during the string scan; it is -1 if we are not in a whitespace sequence*/
int whitespaceStart = -1;
/*scan all the characters in the string*/
int i;
for (i = 0; i < source.length; i++) {
char c = source[i];
/*if the current character is a whitespace character*/
if (isWhitespace(c)) {
/*if whitespaceStart is still -1,
* then this is the first whitespace char in a new whitespace chars sequence
* so update whitespaceStart to the current position*/
if (whitespaceStart == -1)
whitespaceStart = i;
/*else, this is a whitespace char but it is not the first in the sequence,
so do nothing*/
/*if the current character is not a whitespace character*/
} else {
if (whitespaceStart >= 0) {
/*if the whitespace sequence is at the beginning of the string
the editor must just delete it*/
if (sentenceBegin)
editor.delete(whitespaceStart, i - whitespaceStart);
/*else, it the editor must replace it with a blank space (" ")*/
else
editor.replace(whitespaceStart, i - whitespaceStart, " ");
/*in both cases, mark that we are not in a whitespace sequence anymore*/
whitespaceStart = -1;
}
sentenceBegin = false;
}
}
/*if the string ends with a whitespace sequence,
* after the scan is over whitespaceStart will still be >= 0;
* in this case too these whitespaces must be deleted, not just replaced*/
if (whitespaceStart >= 0)
editor.delete(whitespaceStart, i - whitespaceStart);
return editor.commit();
} |
Image caption President Hollande (R) visited French troops in Kapisa after his election
France says four of its soldiers have been killed and five others wounded in an attack in eastern Afghanistan.
The Taliban said one of their suicide bombers carried out the attack on a Nato convoy in Kapisa province. Several Afghan civilians were also wounded.
President Francois Hollande said he "shared the grief of the families".
After his election last month, he announced French combat troops would leave Afghanistan by the end of 2012, two years before the main Nato pullout.
Violence has risen across the country in recent weeks, with the Taliban targeting both the Afghan forces and the 130,000 foreign troops remaining in the country.
Afghan officials say the suicide bomber in Saturday's attack approached a French Nato convoy wearing a burka.
"All of France is affected by this tragedy," President Hollande's statement said.
France is currently the fifth largest contributor to Nato's Isaf force, with nearly 3,300 soldiers.
The deaths bring to 87 the total number of French deaths in the country since 2001.
In January the killing of four French soldiers in Kapisa prompted then-President Nicolas Sarkozy to announce a withdrawal by the end of 2013.
Mr Hollande brought it forward by a further year, fulfilling an election pledge. In his statement on Saturday, he confirmed that the pullout would start in early July. |
<filename>src/Problem015.hs
module Problem015 where
factorial :: Integer -> Integer
factorial 1 = 1
factorial n = n * factorial (n - 1)
combination :: Integer -> Integer -> Integer
combination n k = div (factorial n) (factorial k * factorial (n - k))
solve :: IO ()
solve = do
let x = combination 40 20
putStrLn $ "The result is: " ++ show x
|
<reponame>kumv-net/vant-weapp<filename>packages/search/demo/index.ts<gh_stars>1-10
import { VantComponent } from '../../common/component';
VantComponent({
data: {
value: '',
},
methods: {
onChange(e) {
this.setData({
value: e.detail,
});
},
onSearch() {
if (this.data.value) {
wx.showToast({
title: '搜索：' + this.data.value,
icon: 'none',
});
}
},
onClick() {
if (this.data.value) {
wx.showToast({
title: '搜索：' + this.data.value,
icon: 'none',
});
}
},
onCancel() {
wx.showToast({
title: '取消',
icon: 'none',
});
},
onClear() {
wx.showToast({
title: '清空',
icon: 'none',
});
},
},
});
|
def is_new_issuer(cls, issuer_id):
db = current.db
s3db = current.s3db
table = s3db.disease_hcert_data
query = (table.issuer_id == issuer_id) & \
(table.deleted == False)
row = db(query).select(table.id, limitby=(0, 1)).first()
return False if row else True |
/**
* this comparation is a little asymmetric, because perhapsWithoutNamespace
* came from the class annotations and withNameSpace came from the
* StaxReader in the XML.
*
* If the annotation has no namespace, it should be equal to a XML element
* with the default namespace of the document. If the annotation has a
* prefix, it should not be equal to a any XML element with another prefix
* or no prefix.
*
* @param perhapsWithoutNamespace
* @param withNameSpace
* @return
*/
private static boolean asymmetricCompare(QName perhapsWithoutNamespace,
QName withNameSpace) {
String nsW = withNameSpace.getNamespaceURI();
String nsP = perhapsWithoutNamespace.getNamespaceURI();
String prefixW = withNameSpace.getPrefix();
String prefixP = perhapsWithoutNamespace.getPrefix();
boolean equalLocalParts = withNameSpace.getLocalPart().equals(
perhapsWithoutNamespace.getLocalPart());
boolean nearlyEqualNamespaces = nsP == null || "".equals(nsP)
|| nsP.equals(nsW);
boolean emptyPrefixP = prefixP == null || "".equals(prefixP);
boolean emptyPrefixW = prefixW == null || "".equals(prefixW);
boolean emptyPrefixes = emptyPrefixP && emptyPrefixW;
boolean equalExistingPrefixes = prefixP != null
&& prefixP.equals(prefixW);
boolean equalPrefixes = emptyPrefixes || equalExistingPrefixes;
return equalLocalParts && nearlyEqualNamespaces && equalPrefixes;
} |
Transgender child Trinity -- (YouTube screen grab)
In a stunning — and at times heartbreaking video — mothers of transgender children push back at the vitriol expressed toward the transgender community, while expressing their love for their children just the way they are.
According to the video, called “Meet My Child,” transgender adults and children are under attack from politicians in 20 states who have, “Attempted to advance over 50 pieces of legislation attacking transgender people. These policies are a real danger to transgender people and hurt the most vulnerable, including America’s transgender children.”
In the video moms reminisce about their children admitting to them that they are transgender, before expressing a parent’s fear of a world that refuses to accept their kids.
In one heartbreaking excerpt, a mom tears up and says of her daughter, “She’s my heart and I don’t want to lose her.”
Watch the video below via YouTube from the Trans United Fund:
(H/T Towleroad) |
/**
Make a state transition from <em>active</em> to <em>waiting</em>
within Agent Platform Life Cycle. This method adds a timeout to
the other <code>doWait()</code> version.
@param millis The timeout value, in milliseconds.
@see jade.core.Agent#doWait()
*/
public void doWait(long millis) {
if (Thread.currentThread().equals(myThread)) {
setActiveState(AP_WAITING);
synchronized(msgQueue) {
try {
waitOn(msgQueue, millis);
}
catch (InterruptedException ie) {
if (myLifeCycle != myActiveLifeCycle && !terminating) {
throw new Interrupted();
}
else {
System.out.println("Agent "+getName()+" interrupted while waiting");
}
}
setActiveState(AP_ACTIVE);
}
}
} |
package openstack
import (
"strconv"
"strings"
"github.com/jackspirou/tfs/state"
)
// ComputeInstanceV2 represents a openstack compute resource.
type ComputeInstanceV2 struct {
count int
name string
*state.ResourceState
}
// NewComputeInstanceV2 returns a OpenStackComputeInstanceV2.
func NewComputeInstanceV2(r *state.ResourceState) *ComputeInstanceV2 {
types := strings.Split(r.Type, ".")
switch len(types) {
case 2:
return &ComputeInstanceV2{ResourceState: r, name: types[1]}
case 3:
i, err := strconv.Atoi(types[2])
if err != nil {
return &ComputeInstanceV2{ResourceState: r, name: types[1]}
}
return &ComputeInstanceV2{ResourceState: r, name: types[1], count: i}
default:
return &ComputeInstanceV2{ResourceState: r}
}
}
// PublicIP returns the public bound network addresses of the compute resource.
func (c ComputeInstanceV2) PublicIP() string {
for _, arg := range Attributes["network"] {
if ip := c.Primary.Attributes[arg]; ip != "" {
return ip
}
}
return ""
}
// Groups returns the group names of the metadata.groups attribute.
func (c ComputeInstanceV2) Groups() []string {
groups := c.Primary.Attributes["metadata.groups"]
return strings.Split(groups, ",")
}
// Name returns the name for this compute resource.
func (c ComputeInstanceV2) Name() string {
return c.name
}
// Count returns the current count for this compute resource.
func (c ComputeInstanceV2) Count() int {
return c.count
}
|
package golinters
import (
"sync"
"github.com/ashanbrown/forbidigo/forbidigo"
"github.com/pkg/errors"
"golang.org/x/tools/go/analysis"
"github.com/golangci/golangci-lint/pkg/config"
"github.com/golangci/golangci-lint/pkg/golinters/goanalysis"
"github.com/golangci/golangci-lint/pkg/lint/linter"
"github.com/golangci/golangci-lint/pkg/result"
)
const forbidigoName = "forbidigo"
//nolint:dupl
func NewForbidigo(settings *config.ForbidigoSettings) *goanalysis.Linter {
var mu sync.Mutex
var resIssues []goanalysis.Issue
analyzer := &analysis.Analyzer{
Name: forbidigoName,
Doc: goanalysis.TheOnlyanalyzerDoc,
Run: func(pass *analysis.Pass) (interface{}, error) {
issues, err := runForbidigo(pass, settings)
if err != nil {
return nil, err
}
if len(issues) == 0 {
return nil, nil
}
mu.Lock()
resIssues = append(resIssues, issues...)
mu.Unlock()
return nil, nil
},
}
return goanalysis.NewLinter(
forbidigoName,
"Forbids identifiers",
[]*analysis.Analyzer{analyzer},
nil,
).WithIssuesReporter(func(*linter.Context) []goanalysis.Issue {
return resIssues
}).WithLoadMode(goanalysis.LoadModeSyntax)
}
func runForbidigo(pass *analysis.Pass, settings *config.ForbidigoSettings) ([]goanalysis.Issue, error) {
options := []forbidigo.Option{
forbidigo.OptionExcludeGodocExamples(settings.ExcludeGodocExamples),
// disable "//permit" directives so only "//nolint" directives matters within golangci-lint
forbidigo.OptionIgnorePermitDirectives(true),
}
forbid, err := forbidigo.NewLinter(settings.Forbid, options...)
if err != nil {
return nil, errors.Wrapf(err, "failed to create linter %q", forbidigoName)
}
var issues []goanalysis.Issue
for _, file := range pass.Files {
hints, err := forbid.RunWithConfig(forbidigo.RunConfig{Fset: pass.Fset}, file)
if err != nil {
return nil, errors.Wrapf(err, "forbidigo linter failed on file %q", file.Name.String())
}
for _, hint := range hints {
issues = append(issues, goanalysis.NewIssue(&result.Issue{
Pos: hint.Position(),
Text: hint.Details(),
FromLinter: forbidigoName,
}, pass))
}
}
return issues, nil
}
|
// Generate a random dense LP problem with the specified size and seed
// For use in benchmarks.
pub fn dense_seeded(rows: usize, cols: usize, seed: [u32; 4]) -> StandardForm {
assert!(rows <= cols);
let mut rng: XorShiftRng = SeedableRng::from_seed(seed);
let a = loop {
let mut a_data : Vec<f32> = Vec::new();
for _ in 0..rows {
for _ in 0..cols {
let StandardNormal(v) = rng.gen();
a_data.push(v as f32);
}
}
let a = Matrix::new(rows, cols, a_data);
// TODO: Verify that A has full rank
// But random matrices will be full rank with probability 1,
// so we should be okay.
break a;
};
let mut x_data : Vec<f32> = Vec::new();
for _ in 0..cols {
let StandardNormal(v) = rng.gen();
x_data.push((v.abs() + 0.01) as f32);
}
let x = Vector::new(x_data);
let b = a.clone()*x;
let mut c_data : Vec<f32> = Vec::new();
for _ in 0..cols {
let StandardNormal(v) = rng.gen();
c_data.push(v as f32);
}
let c = Vector::new(c_data);
StandardForm {
a: a,
b: b,
c: c,
}
} |
/**
* Dummy.READER is required to migrate these 3 classes from Lucene 6 to 4:
* SkrtWordTokenizer, SkrtSyllableTokenizer, SanskritAnalyzer;
* More precisely, Lucene 6 has Analyzer and Tokenizer constructors taking no arguments,
* that set the `input' member to the (private) Tokenizer.ILLEGAL_STATE_READER;
* OTOH Lucene 4 requires at least the provision of a Reader object,
* (and using Tokenizer.ILLEGAL_STATE_READER is not an option as it is private)
* Hence -- the need for a Dummy.READER, which will throw upon invocation
* of its read() or close() method.
*/
public abstract class Dummy {
public static final Reader READER = new Reader() {
@Override
public int read(char[] cbuf, int off, int len) throws IOException {
throw new IOException("read() not supported");
}
@Override
public void close() throws IOException {
throw new IOException("close() not supported");
}
};
} |
// createESTemplate uses a Go text/template to create an ElasticSearch index
// template. (This terminological conflict is mostly unavoidable).
func createESTemplate(daemonUrl, indexTemplateName string, indexTemplateBodyTemplate []byte, numberOfReplicas, numberOfShards uint) error {
u, err := url.Parse(daemonUrl)
if err != nil {
return err
}
u.Path = fmt.Sprintf("_template/%s", indexTemplateName)
t := template.Must(template.New("index_template").Parse(string(indexTemplateBodyTemplate)))
var body bytes.Buffer
params := struct {
NumberOfReplicas uint
NumberOfShards uint
}{
NumberOfReplicas: numberOfReplicas,
NumberOfShards: numberOfShards,
}
err = t.Execute(&body, params)
if err != nil {
return err
}
req, err := http.NewRequest("PUT", u.String(), bytes.NewReader(body.Bytes()))
if err != nil {
return err
}
req.Header.Add("Content-Type", "application/json")
client := &http.Client{}
resp, err := client.Do(req)
if err != nil {
return err
}
defer resp.Body.Close()
if resp.StatusCode != 200 {
body, _ := ioutil.ReadAll(resp.Body)
return fmt.Errorf("bad mapping create: %s", body)
}
return nil
} |
/**
* Simple wrapper class to make Kams sortable
*
* Normally this would an inner class of a dialog, but this was extracted due
* to multiple dialogs making use of it.
*
* @author James McMahon <[email protected]>
*/
public final class KamOption implements Comparable<KamOption> {
private final Kam kam;
public KamOption(Kam kam) {
this.kam = kam;
}
public Kam getKam() {
return kam;
}
/**
* {@inheritDoc}
*/
@Override
public String toString() {
return kam.getName();
}
@Override
public int compareTo(KamOption o) {
if (o == null) {
return 1;
}
return this.toString().compareTo(o.toString());
}
} |
/*===================================================================
The Medical Imaging Interaction Toolkit (MITK)
Copyright (c) German Cancer Research Center,
Division of Medical and Biological Informatics.
All rights reserved.
This software is distributed WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without
even the implied warranty of MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR
A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
See LICENSE.txt or http://www.mitk.org for details.
===================================================================*/
#include "mitkExtractSliceFilter.h"
#include <mitkAbstractTransformGeometry.h>
#include <mitkPlaneClipping.h>
#include <vtkGeneralTransform.h>
#include <vtkImageChangeInformation.h>
#include <vtkImageData.h>
#include <vtkImageExtractComponents.h>
#include <vtkLinearTransform.h>
mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::ExtractSliceFilter(vtkImageReslice *reslicer)
{
if (reslicer == nullptr)
{
m_Reslicer = vtkSmartPointer<vtkImageReslice>::New();
}
else
{
m_Reslicer = reslicer;
}
m_TimeStep = 0;
m_Reslicer->ReleaseDataFlagOn();
m_InterpolationMode = ExtractSliceFilter::RESLICE_NEAREST;
m_ResliceTransform = nullptr;
m_InPlaneResampleExtentByGeometry = false;
m_OutPutSpacing = new mitk::ScalarType[2];
m_OutputDimension = 2;
m_ZSpacing = 1.0;
m_ZMin = 0;
m_ZMax = 0;
m_VtkOutputRequested = false;
m_BackgroundLevel = -32768.0;
m_Component = 0;
}
mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::~ExtractSliceFilter()
{
m_ResliceTransform = nullptr;
m_WorldGeometry = nullptr;
delete[] m_OutPutSpacing;
}
void mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GenerateOutputInformation()
{
Superclass::GenerateOutputInformation();
// TODO try figure out how to set the specs of the slice before it is actually extracted
/*Image::Pointer output = this->GetOutput();
Image::ConstPointer input = this->GetInput();
if (input.IsNull()) return;
unsigned int dimensions[2];
dimensions[0] = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtent(0);
dimensions[1] = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtent(1);
output->Initialize(input->GetPixelType(), 2, dimensions, 1);*/
}
void mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GenerateInputRequestedRegion()
{
// As we want all pixel information fo the image in our plane, the requested region
// is set to the largest possible region in the image.
// This is needed because an oblique plane has a larger extent then the image
// and the in pipeline it is checked via PropagateResquestedRegion(). But the
// extent of the slice is actually fitting because it is oblique within the image.
ImageToImageFilter::InputImagePointer input = const_cast<ImageToImageFilter::InputImageType *>(this->GetInput());
input->SetRequestedRegionToLargestPossibleRegion();
}
mitk::ScalarType *mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GetOutputSpacing()
{
return m_OutPutSpacing;
}
void mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GenerateData()
{
mitk::Image *input = const_cast<mitk::Image *>(this->GetInput());
if (!input)
{
MITK_ERROR << "mitk::ExtractSliceFilter: No input image available. Please set the input!" << std::endl;
itkExceptionMacro("mitk::ExtractSliceFilter: No input image available. Please set the input!");
return;
}
if (!m_WorldGeometry)
{
MITK_ERROR << "mitk::ExtractSliceFilter: No Geometry for reslicing available." << std::endl;
itkExceptionMacro("mitk::ExtractSliceFilter: No Geometry for reslicing available.");
return;
}
const TimeGeometry *inputTimeGeometry = this->GetInput()->GetTimeGeometry();
if ((inputTimeGeometry == nullptr) || (inputTimeGeometry->CountTimeSteps() <= 0))
{
itkWarningMacro(<< "Error reading input image TimeGeometry.");
return;
}
// is it a valid timeStep?
if (inputTimeGeometry->IsValidTimeStep(m_TimeStep) == false)
{
itkWarningMacro(<< "This is not a valid timestep: " << m_TimeStep);
return;
}
// check if there is something to display.
if (!input->IsVolumeSet(m_TimeStep))
{
itkWarningMacro(<< "No volume data existent at given timestep " << m_TimeStep);
return;
}
/*================#BEGIN setup vtkImageReslice properties================*/
Point3D origin;
Vector3D right, bottom, normal;
double widthInMM, heightInMM;
Vector2D extent;
const PlaneGeometry *planeGeometry = dynamic_cast<const PlaneGeometry *>(m_WorldGeometry);
// Code for curved planes, mostly taken 1:1 from imageVtkMapper2D and not tested yet.
// Do we have an AbstractTransformGeometry?
// This is the case for AbstractTransformGeometry's (e.g. a ThinPlateSplineCurvedGeometry )
const mitk::AbstractTransformGeometry *abstractGeometry =
dynamic_cast<const AbstractTransformGeometry *>(m_WorldGeometry);
if (abstractGeometry != nullptr)
{
m_ResliceTransform = abstractGeometry;
extent[0] = abstractGeometry->GetParametricExtent(0);
extent[1] = abstractGeometry->GetParametricExtent(1);
widthInMM = abstractGeometry->GetParametricExtentInMM(0);
heightInMM = abstractGeometry->GetParametricExtentInMM(1);
m_OutPutSpacing[0] = widthInMM / extent[0];
m_OutPutSpacing[1] = heightInMM / extent[1];
origin = abstractGeometry->GetPlane()->GetOrigin();
right = abstractGeometry->GetPlane()->GetAxisVector(0);
right.Normalize();
bottom = abstractGeometry->GetPlane()->GetAxisVector(1);
bottom.Normalize();
normal = abstractGeometry->GetPlane()->GetNormal();
normal.Normalize();
// Use a combination of the InputGeometry *and* the possible non-rigid
// AbstractTransformGeometry for reslicing the 3D Image
vtkSmartPointer<vtkGeneralTransform> composedResliceTransform = vtkSmartPointer<vtkGeneralTransform>::New();
composedResliceTransform->Identity();
composedResliceTransform->Concatenate(
inputTimeGeometry->GetGeometryForTimeStep(m_TimeStep)->GetVtkTransform()->GetLinearInverse());
composedResliceTransform->Concatenate(abstractGeometry->GetVtkAbstractTransform());
m_Reslicer->SetResliceTransform(composedResliceTransform);
// Set background level to BLACK instead of translucent, to avoid
// boundary artifacts (see PlaneGeometryDataVtkMapper3D)
// Note: Backgroundlevel was hardcoded before to -1023
m_Reslicer->SetBackgroundLevel(m_BackgroundLevel);
}
else
{
if (planeGeometry != nullptr)
{
// if the worldGeomatry is a PlaneGeometry everything is straight forward
origin = planeGeometry->GetOrigin();
right = planeGeometry->GetAxisVector(0);
bottom = planeGeometry->GetAxisVector(1);
normal = planeGeometry->GetNormal();
if (m_InPlaneResampleExtentByGeometry)
{
// Resampling grid corresponds to the current world geometry. This
// means that the spacing of the output 2D image depends on the
// currently selected world geometry, and *not* on the image itself.
extent[0] = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtent(0);
extent[1] = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtent(1);
}
else
{
// Resampling grid corresponds to the input geometry. This means that
// the spacing of the output 2D image is directly derived from the
// associated input image, regardless of the currently selected world
// geometry.
Vector3D rightInIndex, bottomInIndex;
inputTimeGeometry->GetGeometryForTimeStep(m_TimeStep)->WorldToIndex(right, rightInIndex);
inputTimeGeometry->GetGeometryForTimeStep(m_TimeStep)->WorldToIndex(bottom, bottomInIndex);
extent[0] = rightInIndex.GetNorm();
extent[1] = bottomInIndex.GetNorm();
}
// Get the extent of the current world geometry and calculate resampling
// spacing therefrom.
widthInMM = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtentInMM(0);
heightInMM = m_WorldGeometry->GetExtentInMM(1);
m_OutPutSpacing[0] = widthInMM / extent[0];
m_OutPutSpacing[1] = heightInMM / extent[1];
right.Normalize();
bottom.Normalize();
normal.Normalize();
/*
* Transform the origin to center based coordinates.
* Note:
* This is needed besause vtk's origin is center based too (!!!) ( see 'The VTK book' page 88 )
* and the worldGeometry surrouding the image is no imageGeometry. So the worldGeometry
* has its origin at the corner of the voxel and needs to be transformed.
*/
origin += right * (m_OutPutSpacing[0] * 0.5);
origin += bottom * (m_OutPutSpacing[1] * 0.5);
// set the tranform for reslicing.
// Use inverse transform of the input geometry for reslicing the 3D image.
// This is needed if the image volume already transformed
if (m_ResliceTransform.IsNotNull())
m_Reslicer->SetResliceTransform(m_ResliceTransform->GetVtkTransform()->GetLinearInverse());
// Set background level to TRANSLUCENT (see PlaneGeometryDataVtkMapper3D),
// else the background of the image turns out gray
// Note: Backgroundlevel was hardcoded to -32768
m_Reslicer->SetBackgroundLevel(m_BackgroundLevel);
}
else
{
itkExceptionMacro("mitk::ExtractSliceFilter: No fitting geometry for reslice axis!");
return;
}
}
if (m_ResliceTransform.IsNotNull())
{
// if the resliceTransform is set the reslice axis are recalculated.
// Thus the geometry information is not fitting. Therefor a unitSpacingFilter
// is used to set up a global spacing of 1 and compensate the transform.
vtkSmartPointer<vtkImageChangeInformation> unitSpacingImageFilter =
vtkSmartPointer<vtkImageChangeInformation>::New();
unitSpacingImageFilter->ReleaseDataFlagOn();
unitSpacingImageFilter->SetOutputSpacing(1.0, 1.0, 1.0);
unitSpacingImageFilter->SetInputData(input->GetVtkImageData(m_TimeStep));
m_Reslicer->SetInputConnection(unitSpacingImageFilter->GetOutputPort());
}
else
{
// if no transform is set the image can be used directly
m_Reslicer->SetInputData(input->GetVtkImageData(m_TimeStep));
}
/*setup the plane where vktImageReslice extracts the slice*/
// ResliceAxesOrigin is the anchor point of the plane
double originInVtk[3];
itk2vtk(origin, originInVtk);
m_Reslicer->SetResliceAxesOrigin(originInVtk);
// the cosines define the plane: x and y are the direction vectors, n is the planes normal
// this specifies a matrix 3x3
// x1 y1 n1
// x2 y2 n2
// x3 y3 n3
double cosines[9];
vnl2vtk(right.GetVnlVector(), cosines); // x
vnl2vtk(bottom.GetVnlVector(), cosines + 3); // y
vnl2vtk(normal.GetVnlVector(), cosines + 6); // n
m_Reslicer->SetResliceAxesDirectionCosines(cosines);
// we only have one slice, not a volume
m_Reslicer->SetOutputDimensionality(m_OutputDimension);
// set the interpolation mode for slicing
switch (this->m_InterpolationMode)
{
case RESLICE_NEAREST:
m_Reslicer->SetInterpolationModeToNearestNeighbor();
break;
case RESLICE_LINEAR:
m_Reslicer->SetInterpolationModeToLinear();
break;
case RESLICE_CUBIC:
m_Reslicer->SetInterpolationModeToCubic();
break;
default:
// the default interpolation used by mitk
m_Reslicer->SetInterpolationModeToNearestNeighbor();
}
/*========== BEGIN setup extent of the slice ==========*/
int xMin, xMax, yMin, yMax;
xMin = yMin = 0;
xMax = static_cast<int>(extent[0]);
yMax = static_cast<int>(extent[1]);
if (m_WorldGeometry->GetReferenceGeometry())
{
double sliceBounds[6];
for (auto &sliceBound : sliceBounds)
{
sliceBound = 0.0;
}
if (this->GetClippedPlaneBounds(m_WorldGeometry->GetReferenceGeometry(), planeGeometry, sliceBounds))
{
// Calculate output extent (integer values)
xMin = static_cast<int>(sliceBounds[0] / m_OutPutSpacing[0] + 0.5);
xMax = static_cast<int>(sliceBounds[1] / m_OutPutSpacing[0] + 0.5);
yMin = static_cast<int>(sliceBounds[2] / m_OutPutSpacing[1] + 0.5);
yMax = static_cast<int>(sliceBounds[3] / m_OutPutSpacing[1] + 0.5);
} // ELSE we use the default values
}
// Set the output extents! First included pixel index and last included pixel index
// xMax and yMax are one after the last pixel. so they have to be decremented by 1.
// In case we have a 2D image, xMax or yMax might be 0. in this case, do not decrement, but take 0.
m_Reslicer->SetOutputExtent(xMin, std::max(0, xMax - 1), yMin, std::max(0, yMax - 1), m_ZMin, m_ZMax);
/*========== END setup extent of the slice ==========*/
m_Reslicer->SetOutputOrigin(0.0, 0.0, 0.0);
m_Reslicer->SetOutputSpacing(m_OutPutSpacing[0], m_OutPutSpacing[1], m_ZSpacing);
// TODO check the following lines, they are responsible whether vtk error outputs appear or not
m_Reslicer->UpdateWholeExtent(); // this produces a bad allocation error for 2D images
// m_Reslicer->GetOutput()->UpdateInformation();
// m_Reslicer->GetOutput()->SetUpdateExtentToWholeExtent();
// start the pipeline
m_Reslicer->Update();
/*================ #END setup vtkImageReslice properties================*/
if (m_VtkOutputRequested)
{
// no conversion to mitk
// no mitk geometry will be set, as the output is vtkImageData only!!!
// no image component will be extracted, as the caller might need the whole multi-component image as vtk output
return;
}
else
{
auto reslicedImage = vtkSmartPointer<vtkImageData>::New();
reslicedImage = m_Reslicer->GetOutput();
if (nullptr == reslicedImage)
{
itkWarningMacro(<< "Reslicer returned empty image");
return;
}
/*================ #BEGIN Extract component from image slice ================*/
int numberOfScalarComponent = reslicedImage->GetNumberOfScalarComponents();
if (numberOfScalarComponent > 1 && static_cast<unsigned int>(numberOfScalarComponent) >= m_Component)
{
// image has more than one component, extract the correct component information with the given 'component' parameter
auto vectorComponentExtractor = vtkSmartPointer<vtkImageExtractComponents>::New();
vectorComponentExtractor->SetInputData(reslicedImage);
vectorComponentExtractor->SetComponents(m_Component);
vectorComponentExtractor->Update();
reslicedImage = vectorComponentExtractor->GetOutput();
}
/*================ #END Extract component from image slice ================*/
/*================ #BEGIN Convert the slice to an mitk::Image ================*/
mitk::Image::Pointer resultImage = GetOutput();
// initialize resultimage with the specs of the vtkImageData object returned from vtkImageReslice
if (reslicedImage->GetDataDimension() == 1)
{
// If original image was 2D, the slice might have an y extent of 0.
// Still i want to ensure here that Image is 2D
resultImage->Initialize(reslicedImage, 1, -1, -1, 1);
}
else
{
resultImage->Initialize(reslicedImage);
}
// transfer the voxel data
resultImage->SetVolume(reslicedImage->GetScalarPointer());
// set the geometry from current worldgeometry for the reusultimage
// this is needed that the image has the correct mitk geometry
// the originalGeometry is the Geometry of the result slice
// mitk::AffineGeometryFrame3D::Pointer originalGeometryAGF = m_WorldGeometry->Clone();
// PlaneGeometry::Pointer originalGeometry = dynamic_cast<PlaneGeometry*>( originalGeometryAGF.GetPointer() );
PlaneGeometry::Pointer originalGeometry = m_WorldGeometry->Clone();
originalGeometry->GetIndexToWorldTransform()->SetMatrix(m_WorldGeometry->GetIndexToWorldTransform()->GetMatrix());
// the origin of the worldGeometry is transformed to center based coordinates to be an imageGeometry
Point3D sliceOrigin = originalGeometry->GetOrigin();
sliceOrigin += right * (m_OutPutSpacing[0] * 0.5);
sliceOrigin += bottom * (m_OutPutSpacing[1] * 0.5);
// a worldGeometry is no imageGeometry, thus it is manually set to true
originalGeometry->ImageGeometryOn();
/*At this point we have to adjust the geometry because the origin isn't correct.
The wrong origin is related to the rotation of the current world geometry plane.
This causes errors on transferring world to index coordinates. We just shift the
origin in each direction about the amount of the expanding (needed while rotating
the plane).
*/
Vector3D axis0 = originalGeometry->GetAxisVector(0);
Vector3D axis1 = originalGeometry->GetAxisVector(1);
axis0.Normalize();
axis1.Normalize();
// adapt the origin. Note that for orthogonal planes the minima are '0' and thus the origin stays the same.
sliceOrigin += (axis0 * (xMin * m_OutPutSpacing[0])) + (axis1 * (yMin * m_OutPutSpacing[1]));
originalGeometry->SetOrigin(sliceOrigin);
originalGeometry->Modified();
resultImage->SetGeometry(originalGeometry);
/*the bounds as well as the extent of the worldGeometry are not adapted correctly during crosshair rotation.
This is only a quick fix and has to be evaluated.
The new bounds are set via the max values of the calculated slice extent. It will look like [ 0, x, 0, y, 0, 1].
*/
mitk::BoundingBox::BoundsArrayType boundsCopy;
boundsCopy[0] = boundsCopy[2] = boundsCopy[4] = 0;
boundsCopy[5] = 1;
boundsCopy[1] = xMax - xMin;
boundsCopy[3] = yMax - yMin;
resultImage->GetGeometry()->SetBounds(boundsCopy);
/*================ #END Convert the slice to an mitk::Image ================*/
}
}
bool mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GetClippedPlaneBounds(double bounds[6])
{
if (!m_WorldGeometry || !this->GetInput())
return false;
return this->GetClippedPlaneBounds(
m_WorldGeometry->GetReferenceGeometry(), dynamic_cast<const PlaneGeometry *>(m_WorldGeometry), bounds);
}
bool mitk::ExtractSliceFilter::GetClippedPlaneBounds(const BaseGeometry *boundingGeometry,
const PlaneGeometry *planeGeometry,
double *bounds)
{
bool b = mitk::PlaneClipping::CalculateClippedPlaneBounds(boundingGeometry, planeGeometry, bounds);
return b;
}
|
<reponame>azaddeveloper/api-snippets<gh_stars>1-10
// Install the Java helper library from twilio.com/docs/java/install
import com.twilio.Twilio;
import com.twilio.base.ResourceSet;
import com.twilio.rest.taskrouter.v1.workspace.TaskQueue;
public class Example {
private static final String ACCOUNT_SID = "<KEY>";
private static final String AUTH_TOKEN = "<PASSWORD>";
private static final String WORKSPACE_SID = "WSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX";
public static void main(String[] args) {
Twilio.init(ACCOUNT_SID, AUTH_TOKEN);
ResourceSet<TaskQueue> taskQueues = TaskQueue.reader(WORKSPACE_SID).read();
for (TaskQueue taskQueue : taskQueues) {
System.out.println(taskQueue.getFriendlyName());
}
}
}
|
<filename>frontend_direct3d9/EntrypointD3D9.cc<gh_stars>0
// Copyright <NAME> 2008 - 2011.
// Distributed under the Boost Software License, Version 1.0.
// (See accompanying file LICENSE_1_0.txt or copy at
// http://www.boost.org/LICENSE_1_0.txt)
#include "PchDirect3D9.h"
#include "Direct3D9.h"
#include <cstdint>
#include <vector>
static void f() {}
template <class T>
struct deref;
template <typename U>
struct deref<U*>
{
typedef U type;
};
std::shared_ptr<deref<HMODULE>::type> scintilla;
static void replace_filename(std::vector<wchar_t>& v, std::wstring const& new_name)
{
size_t last_component = 0u;
for (size_t i = 0; v[i] != '\0'; ++i) {
if (v[i] == '/' || v[i] == '\\') {
last_component = i+1;
}
}
if (v.size() > last_component + new_name.size() + 1) {
memcpy(&v[last_component], new_name.c_str(), (1+new_name.size()) * sizeof(wchar_t));
}
}
void init_scintilla()
{
if (!scintilla)
{
std::vector<wchar_t> path(9001);
HMODULE self;
GetModuleHandleEx(GET_MODULE_HANDLE_EX_FLAG_FROM_ADDRESS | GET_MODULE_HANDLE_EX_FLAG_UNCHANGED_REFCOUNT, (LPCWSTR)&f, &self);
GetModuleFileName(self, &path[0], path.size()-1);
replace_filename(path, L"SciLexer.dll");
scintilla.reset(LoadLibraryW(path.data()), &FreeLibrary);
}
}
FOO_WAVE_SEEKBAR_VISUAL_FRONTEND_ENTRYPOINT_HOOK(wave::config::frontend_direct3d9, wave::direct3d9::frontend_impl, init_scintilla) |
import { encrypt } from '../../src/encryption/encrypt';
import { decrypt } from '../../src/encryption/decrypt';
test('should encrypt and decrypt', async () => {
const phrase = 'vivid oxygen neutral wheat find thumb cigar wheel board kiwi portion business';
const password = '<PASSWORD>';
const encryptedText = await encrypt(phrase, password);
const plainTextBuffer = await decrypt(encryptedText, password);
expect(plainTextBuffer).toEqual(phrase);
});
|
ii = lambda : int(input())
mi = lambda : map(int,input().split())
li = lambda : list(map(int,input().split()))
n,m = mi()
alis = li()
for i in range(n):
alis[i] //= 2
ima = alis[0] & -alis[0]
alis[0] //= ima
for i in range(1,n):
tmp = alis[i] & -alis[i]
if ima != tmp:
print(0)
exit()
else:
alis[i] //=ima
tmp = ima
#a>b
def gcd(a,b):
if a < b:
a,b = b,a
while b!=0:
a,b=b,a%b
return a
#a>b
def lcm(a,b):
return a*b // gcd(a,b)
ima = 1
for i in range(n):
ima = lcm(alis[i],ima)
if ima*tmp > m:
print(0)
exit()
ans = 0
tmm = m//(ima*tmp)
if tmm % 2 ==0:
print(tmm//2)
else:
print(tmm//2 +1)
|
// Uint8 adds the field key with i as a uint8 to the *Event context.
func Uint8(key string, value uint8) Field {
return func(e *Event) {
e.uint8(key, value)
}
} |
A Concept Grounding Approach for Glove-Based Gesture Recognition
Glove-based systems are an important option in the field of gesture recognition. They are designed to recognize meaningful expressions of hand motion. In our daily lives, we use our hands for interacting with the environment around us in many tasks. Our glove-based gesture recognition is focused on developing technologies for studying the motion and interaction with a data glove which can augment the capabilities of some users to perform some tasks. This idea is relevant to many research areas, for example: design and manufacturing, information visualization, robotics, sign language understanding, medicine and health Care. In this paper, we proposed a new concept grounding approach for glove-based gesture recognition. We record the data from finger sensors and then abstract and extract concepts from the data. This allow us to construct conceptual levels which we can use to study interaction and manipulation for users during their activities. |
//Set uses given function f to mock the PulseHandler.HandlePulse method
func (mmHandlePulse *mPulseHandlerMockHandlePulse) Set(f func(ctx context.Context, pulse insolar.Pulse, originalPacket mm_network.ReceivedPacket)) *PulseHandlerMock {
if mmHandlePulse.defaultExpectation != nil {
mmHandlePulse.mock.t.Fatalf("Default expectation is already set for the PulseHandler.HandlePulse method")
}
if len(mmHandlePulse.expectations) > 0 {
mmHandlePulse.mock.t.Fatalf("Some expectations are already set for the PulseHandler.HandlePulse method")
}
mmHandlePulse.mock.funcHandlePulse = f
return mmHandlePulse.mock
} |
<reponame>Noah-Huppert/salt
"""
The service module for Slackware
.. important::
If you feel that Salt should be using this module to manage services on a
minion, and it is using a different module (or gives an error similar to
*'service.start' is not available*), see :ref:`here
<module-provider-override>`.
"""
import fnmatch
import glob
import os
import re
__func_alias__ = {"reload_": "reload"}
# Define the module's virtual name
__virtualname__ = "service"
prefix = "/etc/rc.d/rc"
def __virtual__():
"""
Only work on Slackware
"""
if __grains__["os"] == "Slackware":
return __virtualname__
return (
False,
"The slackware_service execution module failed to load: only available on Slackware.",
)
def start(name):
"""
Start the specified service
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.start <service name>
"""
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} start".format(prefix, name)
return not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd)
def stop(name):
"""
Stop the specified service
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.stop <service name>
"""
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} stop".format(prefix, name)
return not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd)
def restart(name):
"""
Restart the named service
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.restart <service name>
"""
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} restart".format(prefix, name)
return not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd)
def reload_(name):
"""
Reload the named service
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.reload <service name>
"""
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} reload".format(prefix, name)
return not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd)
def force_reload(name):
"""
Force-reload the named service
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.force_reload <service name>
"""
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} forcereload".format(prefix, name)
return not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd)
def status(name, sig=None):
"""
Return the status for a service.
If the name contains globbing, a dict mapping service name to True/False
values is returned.
.. versionadded:: 3002
Args:
name (str): The name of the service to check
sig (str): Signature to use to find the service via ps
Returns:
bool: True if running, False otherwise
dict: Maps service name to True if running, False otherwise
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.status <service name> [service signature]
"""
if sig:
return bool(__salt__["status.pid"](sig))
contains_globbing = bool(re.search(r"\*|\?|\[.+\]", name))
if contains_globbing:
services = fnmatch.filter(get_all(), name)
else:
services = [name]
results = {}
for service in services:
cmd = "/bin/sh {}.{} status".format(prefix, service)
results[service] = not __salt__["cmd.retcode"](cmd, ignore_retcode=True)
if contains_globbing:
return results
return results[name]
def _get_svc(rcd, service_status):
"""
Returns a unique service status
"""
if os.path.exists(rcd):
ena = os.access(rcd, os.X_OK)
svc = rcd.split(".")[2]
if service_status == "":
return svc
elif service_status == "ON" and ena:
return svc
elif service_status == "OFF" and (not ena):
return svc
return None
def _get_svc_list(service_status):
"""
Returns all service statuses
"""
notservice = re.compile(
r"{}.([A-Za-z0-9_-]+\.conf|0|4|6|K|M|S|inet1|inet2|local|modules.*|wireless)$".format(
prefix
)
)
ret = set()
lines = glob.glob("{}.*".format(prefix))
for line in lines:
if not notservice.match(line):
svc = _get_svc(line, service_status)
if svc is not None:
ret.add(svc)
return sorted(ret)
def get_enabled():
"""
Return a list of service that are enabled on boot
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.get_enabled
"""
return _get_svc_list("ON")
def get_disabled():
"""
Return a set of services that are installed but disabled
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.get_disabled
"""
return _get_svc_list("OFF")
def available(name):
"""
Returns ``True`` if the specified service is available, otherwise returns
``False``.
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.available sshd
"""
return name in get_all()
def missing(name):
"""
The inverse of service.available.
Returns ``True`` if the specified service is not available, otherwise returns
``False``.
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.missing sshd
"""
return name not in get_all()
def get_all():
"""
Return all available boot services
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.get_all
"""
return _get_svc_list("")
def _rcd_mode(name, ena):
"""
Enable/Disable a service
"""
rcd = prefix + "." + name
if os.path.exists(rcd):
perms = os.stat(rcd).st_mode
if ena == "ON":
perms |= 0o111
os.chmod(rcd, perms)
elif ena == "OFF":
perms &= 0o777666
os.chmod(rcd, perms)
return True
return False
def enable(name, **kwargs):
"""
Enable the named service to start at boot
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.enable <service name>
"""
return _rcd_mode(name, "ON")
def disable(name, **kwargs):
"""
Disable the named service to start at boot
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.disable <service name>
"""
return _rcd_mode(name, "OFF")
def enabled(name, **kwargs):
"""
Return True if the named service is enabled, false otherwise
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.enabled <service name>
"""
ret = True
if _get_svc("{}.{}".format(prefix, name), "ON") is None:
ret = False
return ret
def disabled(name):
"""
Return True if the named service is enabled, false otherwise
.. versionadded:: 3002
CLI Example:
.. code-block:: bash
salt '*' service.disabled <service name>
"""
ret = True
if _get_svc("{}.{}".format(prefix, name), "OFF") is None:
ret = False
return ret
# vim: tabstop=4 expandtab shiftwidth=4 softtabstop=4
|
from flask import Flask, url_for, redirect, request, render_template, abort
from werkzeug.contrib.fixers import ProxyFix
from config import DEBUG_STATUS, HOST, PORT, GIT_REPO_SECRET
from loader import DataStore
from helper import hash_check
# Initilize Flask App
app = Flask(__name__)
app.wsgi_app = ProxyFix(app.wsgi_app)
@app.route('/update', methods=['POST'])
def reload_data():
"""
When triggered by Github repo webhook, verifies if the request is valid and if it is,
the data stored inside the git repo is pulled down and the DataStore is reloaded
"""
if request.headers.get('X-Hub-Signature', None) is not None:
gh_sha1 = request.headers.get('X-Hub-Signature')
gh_payload = request.data
secret = GIT_REPO_SECRET
if hash_check(gh_sha1, gh_payload, secret):
DS = DataStore()
DS.reload()
return 'Update successful'
else:
print('Recieved a post request to reload, but not from github')
return abort(500)
@app.route('/')
@app.route('/blog/')
@app.route('/blog')
def index():
"""
All blogposts
"""
DS = DataStore()
data = DS.get_metadata()
return render_template('posts.html', content=data)
@app.route('/blog/<url_slug>/')
@app.route('/blog/<url_slug>')
def blog_post(url_slug):
DS = DataStore()
data = DS.get_data()
metadata = DS.get_metadata()
bp = {}
# Search for metadata of the blogpost with that url
bp = [item for item in metadata if item['url'] == url_slug]
if not bp:
# No such blogpost
return redirect(url_for('index'))
else:
# TODO: Decide how to handle multiple blog posts with the same title
# Idea: During data load and throw an error if duplicate title is found
bp = bp.pop(0)
content = data[bp['file']]
return render_template('post.html', content=content, metadata=bp)
if __name__ == "__main__":
app.run(debug=DEBUG_STATUS, host=HOST, port=PORT)
|
// GetScheduleProducer get producer by version and account name
func (s *ScheduleProducersDatas) GetScheduleProducer(version uint32, name AccountName) (ProducerKey, error) {
if version >= uint32(len(s.schedules)) {
return ProducerKey{}, errors.New("no version found")
}
for _, sp := range s.schedules[version].producers {
if sp.AccountName == name {
return sp, nil
}
}
return ProducerKey{}, errors.New("no producer in version datas")
} |
def make_list(self, end_token=']'):
out = []
while True:
try:
value = self.value_assign(end_token=end_token)
out.append(value)
self.separator(end_token=end_token)
except self.ParseEnd:
return out |
def print_stats(stats):
for key, val in stats.iteritems():
if key in stats_units.iterkeys():
print "metric %s %s %s %s" % (key, stats_to_inspect[key], val,
stats_units[key])
else:
print "metric %s %s %s" % (key, stats_to_inspect[key], val) |
// Parse the auto-version block from a manifest, if any.
//
// "hclBlock" and "autoVersionBlock" will be nil if there is no auto-version block present.
//
// "hclBlock" is the block containing the auto-version information. Its "Labels" field should be updated with the new versions, if any.
func parseVersionBlockFromManifest(manifest []byte) (ast *hcl.AST, hclBlock *hcl.Block, autoVersionBlock *hmanifest.AutoVersionBlock, err error) {
ast, err = hcl.ParseBytes(manifest)
if err != nil {
return nil, nil, nil, errors.WithStack(err)
}
var (
autoVersion *hmanifest.AutoVersionBlock
autoVersionedBlock *hcl.Block
)
err = hcl.Visit(ast, func(node hcl.Node, next func() error) error {
if node, ok := node.(*hcl.Block); ok && node.Name == "auto-version" {
autoVersion = &hmanifest.AutoVersionBlock{}
err = hcl.UnmarshalBlock(node, autoVersion)
if err != nil {
return errors.WithStack(err)
}
autoVersionedBlock = node.Parent.(*hcl.Entry).Parent.(*hcl.Block)
}
return next()
})
if err != nil {
return nil, nil, nil, errors.WithStack(err)
}
return ast, autoVersionedBlock, autoVersion, nil
} |
<filename>src/interfaces/IToken.ts
/*
Copyright (C) Wavy Ltd
Unauthorized copying of this file, via any medium is strictly prohibited
Proprietary and confidential
*/
import mongoose, { Document } from 'mongoose'
export interface IToken extends Document {
userId: mongoose.Schema.Types.ObjectId
artistId: mongoose.Schema.Types.ObjectId
token: string
createdAt: Date
} |
/*
Go-Pherit: A Learning Experience and personal SDK in Golang
Copyright (c) 2020 <NAME>
https://darksociety.io
*/
package main
/*
Exercise: Short declarations
1. Declare and print four variables using the short declaration statement.
2. Declare two variables using multiple short declaration
3. Declare two variables using multiple short declaration
* the first variable (c) should have a value of 42
* the second variable (d) should have a value of "good"
4. Declare a variable named `sum` using short declaration
* initialize it with an expression by adding 27 and 3.5
5. Declare two variables using multiple short declaration
* init both variables to true
* discard the 2nd variable's value using a blank-identifier
* print the first variable only
Output:
1. i: 314 f: 3.14 s: Hello b: true
2. 14 true
3. 42 good
4. 30.5
5. true
Notes:
*/
import "fmt"
func main() {
a, b := 14, true
c, d := 42, "good"
i := 314
f := 3.14
s := "Hello"
sum := 27 + 3.5
on, _ := true, true
fmt.Println("i:", i, "f:", f, "s:", s, "b:", b)
fmt.Println(a, b)
fmt.Println(c, d)
fmt.Println(sum)
fmt.Println(on)
}
|
#include<bits/stdc++.h>
#define PB push_back
#define MP make_pair
#define F first
#define S second
#define EPS 1e-9
#define MOD 1000000007
#define int long long
using namespace std;
typedef pair<int, int> pii;
typedef vector<int> vi;
int32_t main(){
long double pi = acos(-1.0);
int n;
cin >> n;
vector<pair<long double,int>> v(n);
for(int i = 0; i < n; i++){
long double x, y;
cin >> x >> y;
long double angle = atan2(y,x);
if(angle < 0)
angle += 2*pi;
v[i] = {angle,i+1};
}
sort(v.begin(),v.end());
long double mini = 1000.0;
int x, y;
for(int i = 0; i < n; i++){
long double diff = v[(i+1)%n].F - v[i].F;
if(diff < 0)
diff = -diff;
diff = min(diff,2*pi-diff);
if(diff < mini){
mini = diff;
x = v[i].S;
y = v[(i+1)%n].S;
}
}
cout << x << " " << y << "\n";
return 0;
}
|
//
// Created by <NAME> (EI) on 18/05/2018.
//
#include <sglib/mappers/threader/NodeMapper.h>
// Public Methods...
NodeMapper::NodeMapper(SequenceGraph &sg, uniqueKmerIndex &uki) : sg(sg), graph_kmer_index(uki) {}
void NodeMapper::mapSequences(const std::string &filename) {
query_seq_file = filename;
map_sequences_from_file(filename);
}
void NodeMapper::write_mappings_to_binary_file(std::string filename) const {
sglib::OutputLog() << "Dumping node mappings" << std::endl;
std::ofstream outf(filename, std::ios_base::binary);
auto mapSize(mappings_of_sequence.size());
outf.write(reinterpret_cast<const char *>(&mapSize), sizeof(mapSize));
for(const auto &it : mappings_of_sequence) {
// Get the seqID of the current thing.
auto sequence_id = it.first;
outf.write(reinterpret_cast<const char *>(&sequence_id), sizeof(sequence_id));
auto vecSize(it.second.size());
outf.write(reinterpret_cast<const char *>(&vecSize), sizeof(vecSize));
outf.write(reinterpret_cast<const char *>(it.second.data()), vecSize * sizeof(NodeMapping));
}
}
void NodeMapper::read_mappings_from_binary_file(std::string filename) {
sglib::OutputLog() << "Loading node mappings" << std::endl;
std::ifstream inf(filename, std::ios_base::binary);
auto mapSize(mappings_of_sequence.size());
inf.read(reinterpret_cast<char *>(&mapSize), sizeof(mapSize));
mappings_of_sequence.reserve(mapSize);
seqID_t seqid;
std::vector<NodeMapping> vec;
auto vecSize { vec.size() };
for (decltype(mapSize) n = 0; n < mapSize; ++n){
inf.read(reinterpret_cast<char *>(&seqid), sizeof(seqid));
inf.read(reinterpret_cast<char *>(&vecSize), sizeof(vecSize));
vec.resize(vecSize);
inf.read(reinterpret_cast<char *>(vec.data()), vecSize * sizeof(NodeMapping));
mappings_of_sequence.emplace(seqid, vec);
}
}
void NodeMapper::filterMappings(double score) {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::INFO) << "Filtering mappings using a threshold of " << score << "%" << std::endl;
for (auto& sequence_mappings : mappings_of_sequence) {
auto start { sequence_mappings.second.begin() };
auto end { sequence_mappings.second.end() };
auto newend {std::remove_if(start, end, [score](NodeMapping sm) -> bool { return sm.match_score() < score; })};
sequence_mappings.second.erase(newend, sequence_mappings.second.end());
}
}
void NodeMapper::print_unmapped_nodes(std::ofstream& output_file) const {
output_file << "nodeID\tseq_size\tn_kmers\tn_unique_kmers\tn_forward_links\tn_backward_links" << std::endl;
std::set<sgNodeID_t> mapped, all, diff;
for (sgNodeID_t i = 0; i < sg.nodes.size(); i++) {
all.insert(i);
}
for (const auto& sm : mappings_of_sequence) {
for (const auto& m : sm.second) {
mapped.insert(m.absnode());
}
}
std::set_difference(all.begin(), all.end(), mapped.begin(), mapped.end(), std::inserter(diff, diff.end()));
if (!diff.empty()) {
for (const auto& node : diff) {
output_file << sg.nodeID_to_name(node) << '\t' << sg.nodes[node].sequence.size() << '\t';
output_file << std::to_string(graph_kmer_index.total_kmers_in_node(node)) << '\t';
output_file << std::to_string(graph_kmer_index.unique_kmers_in_node(node)) << '\t';
output_file << std::to_string(sg.get_fw_links(node).size()) << '\t';
output_file << std::to_string(sg.get_bw_links(node).size()) << '\t';
output_file << std::endl;
}
}
}
/*
void NodeMapper::printMappings(std::ofstream& outputFile) const {
for (const auto& sm : mappings_of_sequence) {
for (const auto& m : sm.second) {
outputFile << m << std::endl;
}
}
}
*/
// Private Methods...
void NodeMapper::start_new_mapping(NodeMapping &mapping, const graphStrandPos gpos, uint32_t seqpos) {
mapping.first_seq_pos = seqpos;
mapping.last_seq_pos = seqpos;
mapping.node = gpos.node;
mapping.first_node_pos = gpos.pos;
mapping.last_node_pos = gpos.pos;
mapping.matched_unique_kmers = 1;
mapping.possible_unique_matches = graph_kmer_index.unique_kmers_in_node(gpos.node);
mapping.n_kmers_in_node = graph_kmer_index.total_kmers_in_node(gpos.node);
}
void NodeMapper::map_sequences_from_file(const std::string &filename) {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::INFO) << "Mapping sequence kmers to graph" << std::endl;
FastaReader<FastaRecord> fastaReader({0}, filename);
std::atomic<uint64_t> sequence_count(0);
#pragma omp parallel shared(fastaReader, mappings_of_sequence, sequence_unmapped_kmers, query_seq_sizes, query_seq_names)
{
FastaRecord sequence;
bool c;
#pragma omp critical (getrecord)
{
c = fastaReader.next_record(sequence);
}
while (c) {
sequence_count++;
std::vector<NodeMapping> mappings;
std::vector<KmerIDX> unmapped_kmers;
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::INFO) << "Mapping sequence: " << sequence.name << " (" << sequence.id << ')' << std::endl;
std::tie(mappings, unmapped_kmers) = map_sequence_to_graph(sequence);
#pragma omp critical (store)
{
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::INFO) << "Failed to map " << unmapped_kmers.size() << " kmers from the reference" << std::endl;
mappings_of_sequence[sequence.id] = mappings;
sequence_unmapped_kmers[sequence.id] = unmapped_kmers;
query_seq_sizes[sequence.id] = sequence.seq.size();
query_seq_names[sequence.id] = sequence.name;
}
#pragma omp critical (getrecord)
{
c = fastaReader.next_record(sequence);
}
}
}
}
std::tuple<std::vector<NodeMapping>, std::vector<KmerIDX>> NodeMapper::map_kmers_to_graph(seqID_t id, std::vector<KmerIDX>& kmers) {
NodeMapping mapping;
mapping.initiate_mapping(id);
// For each kmer on sequence.
uint64_t mapped_kmers_count {0};
std::vector<NodeMapping> sequence_mappings;
std::vector<KmerIDX> unmapped_kmers;
for (auto &sk:kmers) {
bool found_kmer;
graphStrandPos graph_pos;
std::tie(found_kmer, graph_pos) = graph_kmer_index.find_unique_kmer_in_graph(sk.kmer);
// IF KMER EXISTS ON GRAPH
if (found_kmer) {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << "Found kmer: " << sk.kmer << "in graph" << std::endl;
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << '(' << sg.nodeID_to_name(graph_pos.node) << ", " << graph_pos.pos << ')' << std::endl;
mapped_kmers_count++;
// IF THE KMER MATCH IS THE FIRST MATCH FOR THE MAPPING...
if (!mapping.ismatched()) {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << "Kmer match is the first for the mapping." << std::endl;
start_new_mapping(mapping, graph_pos, sk.pos);
} // IF THE KMER MATCH IS NOT THE FIRST MATCH FOR THE MAPPING...
else {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << "Kmer match is not the first match for the mapping." << std::endl;
// THERE ARE TWO SITUATIONS WHERE WE WOULD START A NEW MAPPING...
// A). WE ARE MAPPING TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NODE...
// B). THE DIRECTION OF THE MAPPING IS FLIPPED...
if (!mapping.mapping_continues(graph_pos)) {
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << "Kmer match does not continues the current mapping." << std::endl;
sequence_mappings.push_back(mapping);
start_new_mapping(mapping, graph_pos, sk.pos);
} else { // IF NODE KMER MAPS TO IS THE SAME, EXTEND THE CURRENT MAPPING...
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::DEBUG) << "Kmer match continues the current mapping." << std::endl;
mapping.extend(graph_pos.pos, sk.pos);
}
}
} else {
unmapped_kmers.emplace_back(sk.kmer);
}
}
// TODO : Check if this last push_back is required
if (mapping.ismatched()) sequence_mappings.push_back(mapping);
sglib::OutputLog(sglib::LogLevels::INFO) << "Mapped " << mapped_kmers_count << " kmers from the reference." << std::endl;
return std::make_tuple(std::move(sequence_mappings), std::move(unmapped_kmers));
}
std::tuple<std::vector<NodeMapping>, std::vector<KmerIDX>> NodeMapper::map_sequence_to_graph(FastaRecord& seq) {
uint8_t k = graph_kmer_index.get_k();
kmerIDXFactory<FastaRecord> kf({k});
std::vector<KmerIDX> sequence_kmers(0);
kf.setFileRecord(seq);
kf.next_element(sequence_kmers);
return map_kmers_to_graph(seq.id, sequence_kmers);
}
// NodeMapping...
// Public Methods...
NodeMapping::NodeMapping(){
// Just clean the structure, OSX doesn't give you clean memory
memset(this, 0, sizeof(NodeMapping));
}
NodeMapping::NodeMapping(seqID_t id, uint32_t seq_first, uint32_t seq_last, sgNodeID_t node, int32_t node_first,
int32_t node_last, int32_t muk, uint64_t puk, uint64_t nk)
: seq_id(id), first_seq_pos(seq_first), last_seq_pos(seq_last), node(node), first_node_pos(node_first),
last_node_pos(node_last), matched_unique_kmers(muk), possible_unique_matches(puk), n_kmers_in_node(nk)
{}
bool NodeMapping::operator==(const NodeMapping &other) const {
if (seq_id == other.seq_id && first_seq_pos == other.first_seq_pos && last_seq_pos == other.last_seq_pos &&
node == other.node && first_node_pos == other.first_node_pos && last_node_pos == other.last_node_pos &&
matched_unique_kmers == other.matched_unique_kmers && possible_unique_matches == other.possible_unique_matches &&
n_kmers_in_node == other.n_kmers_in_node) {
return true;
} else {
return false;
}
};
bool NodeMapping::operator<(const NodeMapping &other) const {
if (node != other.node) return node < other.node;
return seq_id < other.seq_id;
};
void NodeMapping::initiate_mapping(seqID_t sequence_id) {
seq_id = sequence_id;
first_seq_pos = 0;
last_seq_pos = 0;
node = 0;
first_node_pos = 0;
last_node_pos = 0;
matched_unique_kmers = 0;
possible_unique_matches = 0;
}
bool NodeMapping::ismatched(){
return node != 0;
}
void NodeMapping::extend(int32_t nodepos, uint32_t seqpos) {
matched_unique_kmers++;
last_node_pos = nodepos;
last_seq_pos = seqpos;
}
sgNodeID_t NodeMapping::absnode() const {
return std::abs(node);
}
sgNodeID_t NodeMapping::dirnode() const {
return node_direction() == Forward ? absnode() : -absnode();
}
int32_t NodeMapping::n_unique_matches() const {
return matched_unique_kmers;
}
MappingDirection NodeMapping::node_direction() const {
auto d = last_node_pos - first_node_pos;
return d > 0 ? Forward : d < 0 ? Backwards : Nowhere;
}
MappingDirection NodeMapping::seq_direction() const {
auto d = last_seq_pos - first_seq_pos;
return d > 0 ? Forward : d < 0 ? Backwards : Nowhere;
}
uint32_t NodeMapping::query_start() const {
return first_seq_pos;
};
uint32_t NodeMapping::query_end() const {
return last_seq_pos;
};
double NodeMapping::match_score() const {
return (double(matched_unique_kmers) / possible_unique_matches) * 100;
};
std::ostream& operator<<(std::ostream& stream, const NodeMapping& sm) {
auto sd = sm.seq_direction();
auto nd = sm.node_direction();
auto seqdir = sd == Forward ? "Forward" : sd == Backwards ? "Backwards" : "DIRERR";
auto nodedir = nd == Forward ? "Forward" : nd == Backwards ? "Backwards" : "DIRERR";
stream << "Sequence: " << sm.seq_id << " from: ";
stream << sm.first_seq_pos << " : " << sm.last_seq_pos << " (" << seqdir << ")";
stream << ", maps to node: " << sm.absnode();
stream << " from: " << sm.first_node_pos << " : " << sm.last_node_pos << " (" << nodedir << "). ";
stream << sm.matched_unique_kmers << " / " << sm.possible_unique_matches << " unique kmers matched.";
stream << " (" << sm.n_kmers_in_node << " kmers exist in node).";
return stream;
}
// Private methods...
bool NodeMapping::direction_will_continue(int32_t next_position) const {
auto direction = node_direction();
if(direction == Forward) {
return next_position > last_node_pos;
} else if(direction == Backwards) {
return next_position < last_node_pos;
} else if(direction == Nowhere) {
return true;
}
}
bool NodeMapping::mapping_continues(const graphStrandPos& gpos) const {
auto same_node = absnode() == std::abs(gpos.node);
auto direction_continues = direction_will_continue(gpos.pos);
return same_node and direction_continues;
}
|
// This file is part of HemeLB and is Copyright (C)
// the HemeLB team and/or their institutions, as detailed in the
// file AUTHORS. This software is provided under the terms of the
// license in the file LICENSE.
#ifndef HEMELB_UNITTESTS_IO_XML_H
#define HEMELB_UNITTESTS_IO_XML_H
#include "io/xml/XmlAbstractionLayer.h"
#include "unittests/helpers/FolderTestFixture.h"
namespace hemelb
{
namespace unittests
{
namespace io
{
namespace xml = hemelb::io::xml;
class XmlTests : public helpers::FolderTestFixture
{
CPPUNIT_TEST_SUITE( XmlTests);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestRead);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestSiblings);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestGetParent);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestGetChildNull);
CPPUNIT_TEST_EXCEPTION( TestGetChildThrows, xml::ChildError);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestGetParentNull);
CPPUNIT_TEST_EXCEPTION(TestGetParentThrows, xml::ParentError);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion0);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion1);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion2);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion3);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion4);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion5);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversion6);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails0);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails1);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails2);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails3);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails4);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails5);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails6);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails7);
CPPUNIT_TEST( TestAttributeConversionFails8);
CPPUNIT_TEST_SUITE_END();
public:
void setUp()
{
helpers::FolderTestFixture::setUp();
const std::string testFile("xmltest.xml");
CopyResourceToTempdir(testFile);
xmlDoc = new xml::Document(testFile);
}
void tearDown()
{
delete xmlDoc;
helpers::FolderTestFixture::tearDown();
}
void TestRead()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
// Check that the root elem is html
CPPUNIT_ASSERT(html != xml::Element::Missing());
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(std::string("html"), html.GetName());
// Check a bunch of elements are present.
{
xml::Element head = html.GetChildOrThrow("head");
{
xml::Element title = head.GetChildOrThrow("title");
}
xml::Element body = html.GetChildOrThrow("body");
{
xml::Element div_banner = body.GetChildOrThrow("div");
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(std::string("banner"), div_banner.GetAttributeOrThrow("id"));
{
xml::Element div_header = div_banner.GetChildOrThrow("div");
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(std::string("header"), div_header.GetAttributeOrThrow("id"));
}
}
}
}
void TestSiblings()
{
xml::Element banner = xmlDoc->GetRoot().GetChildOrThrow("body").GetChildOrThrow("div");
int n = 0;
std::string expectedIds[] = { "header", "metanav" };
for (xml::Element div = banner.GetChildOrThrow("div"); div != xml::Element::Missing(); div
= div.NextSiblingOrNull("div"))
{
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(expectedIds[n], div.GetAttributeOrThrow("id"));
++n;
}
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(2, n);
}
void TestGetChildNull()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
CPPUNIT_ASSERT(html.GetChildOrNull("NoSuchElement") == xml::Element::Missing());
}
void TestGetChildThrows()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
html.GetChildOrThrow("NoSuchElement");
}
void TestGetParent()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
xml::Element body = html.GetChildOrThrow("body");
xml::Element shouldBeHtml = body.GetParentOrThrow();
CPPUNIT_ASSERT(html == shouldBeHtml);
}
void TestGetParentNull()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
CPPUNIT_ASSERT(xml::Element::Missing() == html.GetParentOrNull());
}
void TestGetParentThrows()
{
xml::Element html = xmlDoc->GetRoot();
html.GetParentOrThrow();
}
// Save a load of typing with this macro
#define MAKE_TESTATTR(i, TYPE, EXPECTED) \
void TestAttributeConversion##i () \
{ \
xml::Element shouldWork = xmlDoc->GetRoot().GetChildOrThrow("conversiontests").GetChildOrThrow("shouldwork"); \
xml::Element datum = GetDatum(shouldWork, i); \
std::string type = datum.GetAttributeOrThrow("type"); \
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(std::string(#TYPE), type); \
TYPE value; \
datum.GetAttributeOrThrow("value", value); \
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(EXPECTED, value); \
}
// <datum type="int" value="120" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(0, int, 120);
// <datum type="int" value="-24324" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(1, int, -24324);
// <datum type="double" value="1.0" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(2, double, 1.0);
// <datum type="double" value="1.6e-3" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(3, double, 1.6e-3);
// <datum type="hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>" value="(-1.4,11e7,42)" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(4, hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>, hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>(-1.4, 11e7, 42));
// <datum type="hemelb::util::Vector3D<int>" value="(-1,11,42)" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(5, hemelb::util::Vector3D<int>, hemelb::util::Vector3D<int>(-1, 11, 42));
// <datum type="unsigned" value="42" />
MAKE_TESTATTR(6, unsigned, 42U);
#define MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(i, TYPE) \
void TestAttributeConversionFails##i () \
{ \
xml::Element shouldFail = xmlDoc->GetRoot().GetChildOrThrow("conversiontests").GetChildOrThrow("shouldfail"); \
xml::Element datum = GetDatum(shouldFail, i); \
std::string type = datum.GetAttributeOrThrow("type"); \
CPPUNIT_ASSERT_EQUAL(std::string(#TYPE), type); \
TYPE value; \
bool didThrow = false; \
try \
{ \
datum.GetAttributeOrThrow("value", value); \
} \
catch (hemelb::io::xml::ParseError& e) \
{ \
std::cout << e.what() << std::endl; \
didThrow = true; \
} \
CPPUNIT_ASSERT(didThrow); \
}
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(0, double)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(1, double)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(2, int)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(3, hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(4, hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(5, hemelb::util::Vector3D<int>)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(6, hemelb::util::Vector3D<double>)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(7, hemelb::util::Vector3D<int>)
MAKE_TESTATTRFAIL(8, unsigned);
private:
xml::Document* xmlDoc;
xml::Element GetDatum(xml::Element& parent, unsigned iRequired)
{
unsigned i = 0;
for (xml::Element datum = parent.GetChildOrThrow("datum");
datum != xml::Element::Missing();
datum = datum.NextSiblingOrNull("datum"))
{
if (i == iRequired)
return datum;
++i;
}
throw Exception() << "Cannot find element 'datum' with required index = " << iRequired;
}
};
CPPUNIT_TEST_SUITE_REGISTRATION(XmlTests);
}
}
}
#endif // HEMELB_UNITTESTS_IO_XML_H
|
<reponame>riknoll/arcade-forest-fire
namespace scene {
//% block="start $effect effect at $location|| for $duration ms"
//% location.shadow=variables_get
//% location.defl=location
//% duration.shadow=timePicker
export function createParticleEffectAtLocation(location: tiles.Location, effect: effects.ParticleEffect, duration?: number) {
effect.start(location, duration, 5)
}
//% block="clear all effects at $location"
//% location.shadow=variables_get
//% location.defl=location
export function clearParticleEffectsAtLocation(location: tiles.Location) {
const sources = game.currentScene().particleSources;
if (!sources) return;
sources
.filter(ps => ps.anchor.x === location.x && ps.anchor.y === location.y)
.forEach(ps => ps.destroy());
}
}
|
The Ormoc motorboat tragedy in the Philippines last July 2015 which killed 62 passengers is a proof of how perilous our seas are. Expect accidents such as this would increase this coming rainy season. In a report on the Philippine Star, according to Anthony Lucero, OIC of PAGASA (Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration), 17 cyclones might enter our country between May to October this year. Although it is lower than 20, which is the average number of cyclones recorded annually, it is an imperative to heighten our disaster preparedness plans before we are badgered again by typhoons.The Philippines is a seafaring country so it can’t be avoided if we need to travel by water such as riding on a motorboat . Traveling via air is expensive so some of us choose water vessels to take us to our destinations. However, we are still none the wiser and must learn from the mistakes of the past. Here are the boating safety tips we should keep in mind to avoid mishaps at sea:As the late Benjamin Franklin puts it, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” No matter how small the boat is, a lifejacket or any floatation device should be kept onboard. Also, attach a whistle on a lifejacket to act as a distress signal. Make sure the boat has navigational lights to be able to travel during nighttime. Check the fuel tank, battery, engine oil and coolant levels. Inspect the boat for any damages. For ferries, a passenger manifest must be completely and correctly filled out before embarking.Weather is unpredictable but it is better to check it before you travel. It would be better if you have a portable radio with you to be informed in case the forecast changes. Yet, be forewarned that the condition of the sea is as erratic as the weather. For instance (we experienced this while we are going back to Gumaca, Quezon): the sea was calm before we set off but while we were halfway of our journey, we were met by waves and rainfall. Despite of this, we were grateful because we safely reached the port. We later found out from the crew that we were right in the middle of a mild tornado!This is a call to all passenger water vessels out there. How many times did we hear of a boat sinking due to overloading? It is simple arithmetic but because of carelessness and greedy operators, sadly, it still happens.This tip is for large vessels which can carry any sizes of cargo. One of the examples we can cite is what happened in Ormoc. Rear Admiral William Melad, PCG (Philippine Coast Guard) commandant, explained on Rappler the cause of the accident. “You would understand this was a motorboat. There was a placement of cargo. When it veered, a little movement of cargo occurred then the chain reaction came next,” he said. Make sure all cargoes are tightly secured and do not overload.This is an advice from West Marine. According to them, “supply non-swimmers with life jackets that fit and that they will wear while on the water.” It is better to be safe than sorry, right? It would be best if everyone wore one just in case a sudden change in weather occurs.According to the report by Asian Development Bank (ADB) entitled “ Philippines: Transport Sector Assessment, Strategy, and Road Map ,” it mentioned, “the cause of maritime accidents include human error; natural causes; lack of vessel traffic management; lack of navigational aids; and poor ship maintenance.” This was hit spot on by the Manila Times, where they stated, “For a country of more than 7,000 islands, which has a proud seafaring tradition dating back centuries, and which provides fully one-fourth of the manpower for the global maritime industry, the record of frequent fatal accidents due to bad management or poorly equipped and maintained vessels is not only ironic, it is downright shameful.”5 Boating safety tips this rainy season was brought to you by Rayomarine , the #1 seller of top of the line yachts, sailboat, and motorboat. |
/*
* This program is free software: you can redistribute it and/or modify it under
* the terms of the GNU General Public License as published by the Free Software
* Foundation, either version 3 of the License, or (at your option) any later
* version.
*
* This program is distributed in the hope that it will be useful, but WITHOUT
* ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied warranty of MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS
* FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. See the GNU General Public License for more
* details.
*
* You should have received a copy of the GNU General Public License along with
* this program. If not, see <http://www.gnu.org/licenses/>.
*/
package com.l2jserver.gameserver.network.serverpackets;
import com.l2jserver.gameserver.model.L2ItemInstance;
/**
*
* @author KenM
*/
public final class ExRpItemLink extends L2GameServerPacket
{
private final L2ItemInstance _item;
public ExRpItemLink(L2ItemInstance item)
{
_item = item;
}
/**
* @see com.l2jserver.gameserver.network.serverpackets.L2GameServerPacket#getType()
*/
@Override
public String getType()
{
return "[S] FE:6C ExRpItemLink";
}
/**
* @see com.l2jserver.gameserver.network.serverpackets.L2GameServerPacket#writeImpl()
*/
@Override
protected void writeImpl()
{
writeC(0xfe);
writeH(0x6c);
// guessing xD
writeD(_item.getObjectId());
writeD(_item.getItemId());
writeQ(_item.getCount());
writeH(_item.getItem().getType2());
writeD(_item.getItem().getBodyPart());
writeH(_item.getEnchantLevel());
writeH(_item.getCustomType2()); // item type3
writeH(0x00); // ??
writeD(_item.isAugmented() ? _item.getAugmentation().getAugmentationId() : 0x00);
writeD(_item.getMana());
// T1
writeH(_item.getAttackElementType());
writeH(_item.getAttackElementPower());
for (byte i = 0; i < 6; i++)
writeH(_item.getElementDefAttr(i));
writeH(0x00); // Enchant effect 1
writeH(0x00); // Enchant effect 2
writeH(0x00); // Enchant effect 3
}
}
|
Coordinated network scheduling: a framework for end-to-end services
In multi-hop networks, packet schedulers at downstream nodes have an opportunity to make up for excessive latencies due to congestion at upstream nodes. Similarly when packets incur low delays at upstream nodes, downs stream nodes can reduce priority and schedule other packets first. The goal of this paper is to define a framework for design and analysis of coordinated network scheduling (CNS) which exploit such inter-node coordination. The first provide a general CNS definition which enables us to classify a number of schedulers from the literature including, FIFO+, CEDF and work-conserving CJVC as examples of CNS schedulers. We then develop a distributed theory of traffic envelopes which enables us to derive end-to-end statistical admission control conditions for CNS schedulers. We show that CNS schedulers are able to limit traffic distortion to within a narrow range resulting in improved end-to-end performance and more efficient resource utilization. |
def build(self) -> dict[str, type]:
return {k: self._build(v) for k, v in self.type_hints.items()} |
/**
* Delete the documents which contains the value in the specified field.
*
* @param indexName
* The name of the index
* @param fieldName
* The name of the field
* @param values
* A list of value
* @throws IOException
* @throws URISyntaxException
*/
public void deleteDocumentsByFieldValue(String indexName, String fieldName,
List<String> values) throws IOException, URISyntaxException {
StringBuilder deleteValues = new StringBuilder();
for (String value : values) {
deleteValues.append('/');
deleteValues.append(value);
}
URIBuilder uriBuilder = client.getBaseUrl("index/", indexName,
"/document/" + fieldName + deleteValues.toString());
Request request = Request.Delete(uriBuilder.build());
HttpResponse response = client.execute(request, null, null);
HttpUtils.checkStatusCodes(response, 200);
} |
import torch
import torch.nn as nn
import torch.nn.functional as func
from torch.distributions import Normal, Categorical
from torch.distributions import kl_divergence
def normal_kl_loss(mean, logvar, r_mean=None, r_logvar=None):
if r_mean is None or r_logvar is None:
result = -0.5 * torch.mean(1 + logvar - mean.pow(2) - logvar.exp(), dim=0)
else:
distribution = Normal(mean, torch.exp(0.5 * logvar))
reference = Normal(r_mean, torch.exp(0.5 * r_logvar))
result = kl_divergence(distribution, reference)
return result.sum()
def normal_kl_norm_loss(mean, logvar, c=0.5,
keep_components=False):
kld = normal_kl_loss(mean, logvar)
result = torch.norm(kld - c, 1)
if keep_components:
return result, (kld,)
return result
def gumbel_kl_loss(category, r_category=None):
if r_category is None:
result = torch.sum(category * torch.log(category + 1e-20), dim=1)
result = result.mean(dim=0)
result += torch.log(torch.tensor(category.size(-1), dtype=result.dtype))
else:
distribution = Categorical(category)
reference = Categorical(r_category)
result = kl_divergence(distribution, reference)
return result
def gumbel_kl_norm_loss(category, c=0.5,
keep_components=False):
kld = gumbel_kl_loss(category)
result = torch.norm(kld - c, 1)
if keep_components:
return result, (kld,)
return result
def reconstruction_bce(reconstruction, target):
result = func.binary_cross_entropy_with_logits(
reconstruction, target,
reduction='sum'
) / target.size(0)
return result
def reconstruction_ce(reconstruction, target):
result = func.cross_entropy(
reconstruction, target.argmax(dim=1),
reduction='sum'
) / target.size(0)
return result
def vae_loss(parameters, reconstruction, target,
keep_components=False):
mean, logvar = parameters
ce = func.binary_cross_entropy_with_logits(
reconstruction, target,
reduction='sum'
) / target.size(0)
kld = normal_kl_loss(mean, logvar)
result = ce + kld
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld)
return result
def vae_loss_category(parameters, reconstruction, target,
keep_components=False):
mean, logvar = parameters
ce = func.cross_entropy(
reconstruction, target.argmax(dim=1),
reduction='sum'
) / target.size(0)
kld = normal_kl_loss(mean, logvar)
result = ce + kld
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld)
return result
def beta_vae_loss(parameters, reconstruction, target,
beta=20, c=0.5, keep_components=False):
_, (ce, kld) = vae_loss(
parameters, reconstruction, target,
keep_components=True
)
norm_term = torch.norm(kld - c, 1)
result = ce + beta * norm_term
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld, norm_term)
return result
def categorical_vae_loss(parameters, reconstruction, target,
keep_components=False):
if isinstance(parameters, (list, tuple)):
category = parameters[0]
else:
category = parameters
ce = func.binary_cross_entropy_with_logits(
reconstruction, target,
reduction='sum'
) / target.size(0)
kld = gumbel_kl_loss(category)
result = ce + kld
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld)
return result
def categorical_beta_vae_loss(parameters, reconstruction, target,
beta=20, c=0.5, keep_components=False):
_, (ce, kld) = categorical_vae_loss(parameters, reconstruction, target)
norm_term = torch.norm(kld - c, 1)
result = ce + beta * norm_term
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld, norm_term)
return result
def joint_vae_loss(normal_parameters,
categorical_parameters,
reconstruction, target,
beta_normal=20, c_normal=0.5,
beta_categorical=20, c_categorical=0.5,
keep_components=False):
result_normal, (ce, _, norm_term_normal) = beta_vae_loss(
normal_parameters, reconstruction, target,
beta=beta_normal, c=c_normal,
keep_components=True
)
result_categorical, (norm_term_categorical,) = gumbel_kl_norm_loss(
categorical_parameters, c=c_categorical, keep_components=True
)
result_categorical *= beta_categorical
result = result_normal + result_categorical
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, norm_term_normal, norm_term_categorical)
return result
def tc_encoder_loss(discriminator, true_sample):
sample_prediction = discriminator(true_sample)
return (sample_prediction[:, 0] - sample_prediction[:, 1]).mean()
def tc_discriminator_loss(discriminator, true_batch, shuffle_batch):
shuffle_indices = [
shuffle_batch[torch.randperm(shuffle_batch.size(0)), idx:idx+1]
for idx in range(shuffle_batch.size(-1))
]
shuffle_batch = torch.cat(shuffle_indices, dim=1)
sample_prediction = discriminator(true_batch)
shuffle_prediction = discriminator(shuffle_batch)
softmax_sample = torch.softmax(sample_prediction, dim=1)
softmax_shuffle = torch.softmax(shuffle_prediction, dim=1)
discriminator_loss = \
-0.5 * (torch.log(softmax_sample[:, 0]).mean() \
+ torch.log(softmax_shuffle[:, 1]).mean())
return discriminator_loss
def factor_vae_loss(normal_parameters, tc_parameters,
reconstruction, target,
gamma=100, keep_components=False):
vae, (ce, kld) = vae_loss(
normal_parameters, reconstruction, target
)
tc_loss = tc_encoder_loss(*tc_parameters)
result = vae + gamma * tc_loss
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld, tc_loss)
return result
def conditional_vae_loss(parameters, prior_parameters,
reconstruction, target,
keep_components=False):
ce = func.binary_cross_entropy_with_logits(
reconstruction, target, reduction="sum"
) / target.size(0)
mu, lv = parameters
mu_r, lv_r = prior_parameters
kld = normal_kl_loss(mu, lv, mu_r, lv_r)
result = ce + kld
if keep_components:
return result, (ce, kld)
return result
def mdn_loss(prior_parameters, sample):
pi, mu = prior_parameters
minimum_component = torch.norm(sample.unsqueeze(1) - mu, 2, dim=2).argmin(dim=1)
result = -pi + 0.5 * torch.norm(sample - mu[:, minimum_component], 2, dim=1)
return result
|
<filename>packages/ui/dnd/src/createDndPlugin.ts
import { createPluginFactory } from '@udecode/plate-core';
export const KEY_DND = 'dnd';
export const createDndPlugin = createPluginFactory({
key: KEY_DND,
handlers: {
onDrop: (editor) => () => editor.isDragging as boolean,
},
});
|
/**
* This method writes the raw incoming bytes from Twilio to a local disk. You can
* use this method to listen the raw audio file in any audio player that can play
* .wav files.
*/
private void persistBytesToDisk(String streamSid) {
try {
Path tempFile = Files.createTempFile(streamSid, ".wav");
AudioFormat format = new AudioFormat(8000, 16, 1, true, false);
AudioSystem.write(new AudioInputStream(new ByteArrayInputStream(
rawBytes.get(streamSid)), format, rawBytes.get(streamSid).length), AudioFileFormat.Type.WAVE, tempFile.toFile());
LOG.info("persisted data @ " + tempFile.toAbsolutePath());
} catch (IOException e) {
LOG.error("IOException when writing data to disk", e);
}
} |
<filename>System/Library/PrivateFrameworks/DocumentManagerCore.framework/DOCTag.h
/*
* This header is generated by classdump-dyld 1.0
* on Saturday, June 1, 2019 at 6:43:51 PM Mountain Standard Time
* Operating System: Version 12.1.1 (Build 16C5050a)
* Image Source: /System/Library/PrivateFrameworks/DocumentManagerCore.framework/DocumentManagerCore
* classdump-dyld is licensed under GPLv3, Copyright © 2013-2016 by <NAME>.
*/
#import <DocumentManagerCore/DocumentManagerCore-Structs.h>
#import <libobjc.A.dylib/NSSecureCoding.h>
#import <libobjc.A.dylib/NSCopying.h>
@class NSString, NSNumber, UIColor;
@interface DOCTag : NSObject <NSSecureCoding, NSCopying> {
NSString* _displayName;
long long _labelIndex;
long long _type;
long long _itemCount;
NSNumber* _sidebarVisible;
NSNumber* _sidebarPinned;
}
@property (nonatomic,readonly) NSString * displayName; //@synthesize displayName=_displayName - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) long long labelIndex; //@synthesize labelIndex=_labelIndex - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) long long type; //@synthesize type=_type - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) long long itemCount; //@synthesize itemCount=_itemCount - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) NSNumber * sidebarVisible; //@synthesize sidebarVisible=_sidebarVisible - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) NSNumber * sidebarPinned; //@synthesize sidebarPinned=_sidebarPinned - In the implementation block
@property (nonatomic,readonly) UIColor * displayColor;
+(id)tagColorWithLabelIndex:(long long)arg1 ;
+(BOOL)supportsSecureCoding;
-(void)mergeWithTag:(id)arg1 options:(long long)arg2 ;
-(id)initWithICloudTagAttributes:(id)arg1 ;
-(id)iCloudTagAttributes;
-(id)initWithDisplayName:(id)arg1 labelIndex:(long long)arg2 type:(long long)arg3 itemCount:(long long)arg4 sidebarVisible:(id)arg5 sidebarPinned:(id)arg6 ;
-(NSNumber *)sidebarVisible;
-(NSNumber *)sidebarPinned;
-(BOOL)isEqualToTag:(id)arg1 ;
-(id)initWithDisplayName:(id)arg1 labelIndex:(long long)arg2 type:(long long)arg3 ;
-(long long)labelIndex;
-(UIColor *)displayColor;
-(BOOL)isEqual:(id)arg1 ;
-(void)encodeWithCoder:(id)arg1 ;
-(id)initWithCoder:(id)arg1 ;
-(unsigned long long)hash;
-(id)description;
-(id)copyWithZone:(NSZone*)arg1 ;
-(long long)type;
-(long long)itemCount;
-(NSString *)displayName;
@end
|
Induction of sister chromatid exchanges in Chinese hamster ovary cells by organophosphate insecticides and their oxygen analogs.
Induction of sister chromatid exchanges (SCEs) in cultures of Chinese hamster ovary cells by 10 anticholinesterase organophosphate insecticides was investigated. The insecticides were two phosphates (dichlorvos and dicrotophos), four sulfur-containing organophosphates (malathion, parathion, leptophos, and diazinon), and four oxygen analogs of the latter (malaoxon, paraoxon, leptophosoxon, and diazoxon). All of the compounds except diazinon induced statistically significant increases in SCE frequencies at concentrations between 0.03 and 1.0 mM. These results suggest that SCE induction is a common property of organophosphate insecticides. Compared to the sulfur-containing organophosphates, the oxygen analogs consistently produced higher SCE frequencies and had stronger antiproliferative activity. Compared to two known genotoxicants, doxorubicin and ethyl methanesulfonate, the ability of organophosphates to produce SCEs is much weaker. |
<gh_stars>0
package li.kazu.logic.hazard.functional;
import java.util.ArrayList;
import java.util.List;
import li.kazu.logic.func.Function;
public class FunctionalHazardCheck {
public enum Mode {
STATIC,
DYNAMIC,
}
public static FunctionalHazardCheckResult checkFromTermNr(final Function func, int startTerm, final Mode mode) {
if (!func.isValid()) {
return null;
}
final FunctionalHazardCheckResult res = new FunctionalHazardCheckResult(func.getNumVariables());
// number of possible min/max terms
final int numTerms = (int) Math.pow(2, func.getNumVariables());
// are we searching from a "0" or a "1" ?
final int startVal = func.get(startTerm);
// dynamic: perform all 0 -> 1 or 1 -> 0 checks (depending on startVal)
// static: perform all 0 -> 0 or 1 -> 1 checks (depending on startVal)
for (int term = 0; term < numTerms; ++term) {
// do not compare term with itself
if (term == startTerm) {continue;}
// get the output value of the term we are starting
final int termVal = func.get(term);
// is a dynamic change (0->1 or 1->0)
// is a static change (1->1 or 1->1)
if ( (mode == Mode.DYNAMIC && termVal != startVal) || (mode == Mode.STATIC && termVal == startVal) ) {
System.out.println(startTerm + "->" + term);
final List<TermWay> perms = getPossibleWaysAlongKV(numTerms, startTerm, term);
final ArrayList<TermWayWithOutputChanges> resWays = new ArrayList<>();
boolean allHom = true;
for (TermWay way : perms) {
OutputChanges outChanges = getOutputChanges(func, way);
boolean isHom = outChanges.isHomogenous();
if (!isHom) {allHom = false;}
System.out.println(" - " + outChanges);
System.out.println(" - " + isHom);
final TermWayWithOutputChanges resWay = new TermWayWithOutputChanges(way, outChanges);
resWays.add(resWay);
}
final FunctionalHazardCheckResult.Entry entry = new FunctionalHazardCheckResult.Entry(startTerm, term, !allHom, resWays);
res.entries.add(entry);
}
}
return res;
}
/** get the output changes denoted by the path of terms, e,g from 1,2,3,4, how does the output (0/1) change? */
private static final OutputChanges getOutputChanges(final Function func, List<Integer> terms) {
final OutputChanges changes = new OutputChanges();
for (final int termNr : terms) {
changes.add(func.get(termNr));
}
return changes;
}
/**
* get all binary permutations from term1 to term2
* e.g. from 0 -> 7 = 000 -> 111
* is 000 001 011 111 or 000 001 101 111 or 000 100 101 111, .....
* is 0 1 3 7 or 0 1 5 7 or 0 4 5 7
* @param numTerms
* @param term1
* @param term2
* @return
*/
public static final List<TermWay> getPossibleWaysAlongKV(int numTerms, int term1, int term2) {
// bitmask of all bits that are changed between term1 and term2
final int changingBits = term1 ^ term2;
final ArrayList<Integer> bits = new ArrayList<>();
for (int i = 0; i < 31; ++i) {
if ( (changingBits & (1 << i)) != 0 ) {
bits.add(i);
}
}
// all possible permutations of the changing bits
final List<List<Integer>> bitPerms = new ArrayList<>();
permute(bits, 0, bitPerms);
System.out.println(" " + bitPerms);
// convert bits back to term numbers -> all possible walks along the diagram
final List<TermWay> termPerms = new ArrayList<>();
for (final List<Integer> bitPerm : bitPerms) {
termPerms.add(bitsToTermNumbers(term1, term2, bitPerm));
}
System.out.println(termPerms);
return termPerms;
}
public static void permute(List<Integer> arr, int k, List<List<Integer>> res){
for(int i = k; i < arr.size(); i++){
java.util.Collections.swap(arr, i, k);
permute(arr, k+1, res);
java.util.Collections.swap(arr, k, i);
}
if (k == arr.size() -1){
final ArrayList<Integer> sub = new ArrayList<>();
sub.addAll(arr);
res.add(sub);
//System.out.println(java.util.Arrays.toString(arr.toArray()));
}
}
public static TermWay bitsToTermNumbers(int term1, int term2, final List<Integer> bits) {
final TermWay terms = new TermWay();
int sum = term1;
terms.add(sum); // starting value
for (int bit : bits) {
int bitVal = (1 << bit);
if ( (term2 & bitVal) != 0 ) {
sum += bitVal; // set bit
} else {
sum -= bitVal; // remove bit
}
terms.add(sum);
}
return terms;
}
}
|
/**
* Compute overlap of assignment
*
* @param entries Entries
* @param getter Entry accessor
* @param assign Assignment
* @return Overlap amount
*/
protected <E extends SpatialComparable, A> double computeOverlap(A entries, ArrayAdapter<E, A> getter, long[] assign) {
ModifiableHyperBoundingBox mbr1 = null, mbr2 = null;
for(int i = 0; i < getter.size(entries); i++) {
E e = getter.get(entries, i);
if(BitsUtil.get(assign, i)) {
if(mbr1 == null) {
mbr1 = new ModifiableHyperBoundingBox(e);
}
else {
mbr1.extend(e);
}
}
else {
if(mbr2 == null) {
mbr2 = new ModifiableHyperBoundingBox(e);
}
else {
mbr2.extend(e);
}
}
}
if(mbr1 == null || mbr2 == null) {
throw new AbortException("Invalid state in split: one of the sets is empty.");
}
return SpatialUtil.overlap(mbr1, mbr2);
} |
<filename>Code_Arduino/beamforming_code_gen.py
#!/usr/bin/env python3
"""This module is an Arduino beamforming code generator, designed to work with
the CharlesLabs SG PCB (12 channel with M62429 for software amplitude control).
It schedules the pin toggles to achieve the frequency and beam steering angle.
The resulting code requires A328_PINS.h and FM62429.h in the same folder to be
compiled and runned on Arduino.
Example usage: python3 beamforming_code_gen.py > bf_code.ino
Author: CGrassin (http://charleslabs.fr)
License: MIT
"""
import math
import argparse
class Channel:
"""Internal class to group information on a channel."""
def __init__(self,initStatus,deadline,pinName):
self.deadline = deadline;
self.status = initStatus;
self.pinName = pinName;
def toggle_pin(self,next_deadline):
"""Toggle a pin status and change to next deadline."""
self.status = not self.status;
self.deadline = next_deadline;
return "_PIN_WRITE( _" + self.pinName + " , " + ("1" if self.status else "0") + " );\n";
# Compute antenna pattern
def generate_code(pins, c, d, phi, f):
"""Generate loop() Arduino code.
:param pins: a list of pins
:param c: wave celerity in m/s
:param d: elements spacing in m
:param f: frequency in Hz
:param phi: beam steering angle in rads
:returns: a string containing the loop() code
"""
code = "";
# Physics constants
duty_cycle = 0.5;
wavelength = c/f; # m
period = 1.0 / f * 1e6; # us
psi = 2.0 * math.pi * d * math.sin(phi) / wavelength; # rad
psi_delta_t = psi / ( 2.0 * math.pi * f) * 1e6; # us
# Sanity checks on parameters
if len(pins) < 1:
raise Exception("Array should contain at least one pin.");
if c<=0 or d<=0 or f<=0:
raise Exception("c, d and f must be > 0.");
if d > wavelength / (1 + abs(math.sin(phi))):
code += "/* WARNING: grating lobes will be present (reduce phi or f)! */\n";
if 0 < psi_delta_t < 5:
code += "/* WARNING: time between pin toggles is very short (increase phi or reduce f)! */\n";
# Prepare pins array with t=0 states
channels = [];
for i in range(len(pins)):
delta_t = ((i * psi_delta_t) % period + period) % period;
# Two cases: either initially high or initially low
if delta_t - duty_cycle * period > 0:
channels.append(Channel(True, delta_t - duty_cycle * period, pins[i]));
else:
channels.append(Channel(False, delta_t, pins[i]));
# Code generation (from t=0 to t=period)
currenttime=0;
while currenttime < period:
# Pin status and next deadline
delay = channels[0].deadline;
for i in range(len(channels)):
# If some deadline is reached
if channels[i].deadline <= 0:
code += "\t" + channels[i].toggle_pin(duty_cycle*period);
# Look for next smallest deadline
delay = min(delay, channels[i].deadline);
# Apply delay
currenttime += delay;
if round(delay) > 0:
code += "\t" + "delayMicroseconds( "+str(round(delay))+ " );\n";
for i in range(len(channels)):
channels[i].deadline -= delay;
return code;
def main():
parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(description="Generates BF pattern code.",
formatter_class=argparse.ArgumentDefaultsHelpFormatter)
parser.add_argument("-c","--wave-celerity", type=float, default=340,
help="celerity of the wave in m/s (3.00E8 for light in vaccum, 340 for sound in air)")
parser.add_argument("-d","--elements-spacing", type=float, default=0.15,
help="spacing between the elements in m")
parser.add_argument("--attenuation", type=int, default=20,
help="attenuation")
parser.add_argument("-f","--frequency", type=float, default=750,
help="waveform frequency in Hz")
parser.add_argument("-a","--steering-angle", type=float, default=0,
help="beam steering angle in deg")
parser.add_argument("-p","--pins", nargs='+', default=["D2","D3","D4","D5","D6","D7","D8","D9","D10","D11","D12","D13"],
help="pins list, from left to right")
args = parser.parse_args();
# Check parameters
if args.wave_celerity <= 0:
raise parser.error('The wave celerity must be positive.')
if args.elements_spacing <= 0:
raise parser.error('The elements spacing must be positive.')
if args.frequency <= 0:
raise parser.error('The frequency must be positive.')
if args.steering_angle < -90 or args.steering_angle > 90:
raise parser.error('The steering angle must be in interval [-90;90].')
# Parameters
c = args.wave_celerity; #m/s
d = args.elements_spacing; #m
f = args.frequency; #Hz
phi = args.steering_angle; #deg
pins = args.pins;
def_att = args.attenuation;
# Print input parameters
print("/* Generated by beamforming_code_gen.py. Parameters:");
print("* phi = "+str(phi)+" deg");
print("* c = "+str(c)+" m/s");
print("* d = "+str(d)+" m");
print("* f = "+str(f)+" Hz");
# Fraunhofer distance
wavelength = c/f;
print("* far_field_d = "+str(2*(d * len(pins))**2 / wavelength )+" m */\n");
# Includes/Defines
print("#include \"A328_PINS.h\"");
print("#include \"FM62429.h\"\n");
# Setup
print("void setup() {");
for pin in pins:
print("\t_PIN_CONFIG_OUT( _"+pin+ " );");
print("\t// Extra setup code");
extra_setup_code = ("\tinitFM62429("+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "
""+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+", "+str(def_att)+");");
print(extra_setup_code);
print("}\n");
# Loop
print("void loop() {");
print(generate_code(pins, c, d, math.radians(phi), f), end="");
print("}");
if __name__ == '__main__':
main()
|
<gh_stars>0
import sys
from ..vault import vault as vault_
from .snag import SnagCli
from .vault import VaultCli
def snag():
args = sys.argv
cli = SnagCli(args, vault_)
sys.exit(cli.run())
def vault():
args = sys.argv
cli = VaultCli(args, vault_)
sys.exit(cli.run())
|
def pretrain_attention_with_random_spans(train_Xy, val_Xy, model, epochs=10, batch_size=16, cuda=True, tokenwise_attention=False, attention_acceptance='auc'):
def _prepare_random_matched_spans(model, batch_instances, cuda):
unk_idx = int(model.vectorizer.str_to_idx[SimpleInferenceVectorizer.PAD])
Is, Cs, Os = [PaddedSequence.autopad([torch.LongTensor(inst[x]) for inst in batch_instances], batch_first=True, padding_value=unk_idx) for x in ['I', 'C', 'O']]
target_spans = [inst['evidence_spans'] for inst in batch_instances]
target = []
articles = []
for article, evidence_spans in zip((x['article'] for x in batch_instances), target_spans):
tgt = torch.zeros(len(article))
for start, end in evidence_spans:
tgt[start:end] = 1
(start, end) = random.choice(evidence_spans)
random_matched_span_start = random.randint(0, len(article))
random_matched_span_end = random_matched_span_start + end - start
tgt_pos = tgt[start:end]
tgt_neg = tgt[random_matched_span_start:random_matched_span_end]
article_pos = torch.LongTensor(article[start:end])
article_neg = torch.LongTensor(article[random_matched_span_start:random_matched_span_end])
if random.random() > 0.5:
articles.append(torch.cat([article_pos, article_neg]))
target.append(torch.cat([tgt_pos, tgt_neg]))
else:
articles.append(torch.cat([article_neg, article_pos]))
target.append(torch.cat([tgt_neg, tgt_pos]))
target = PaddedSequence.autopad(target, batch_first=True, padding_value=0)
articles = PaddedSequence.autopad(articles, batch_first=True, padding_value=unk_idx)
if cuda:
articles, Is, Cs, Os, target = articles.cuda(), Is.cuda(), Cs.cuda(), Os.cuda(), target.cuda()
return articles, Is, Cs, Os, target
return pretrain_attention(train_Xy,
val_Xy,
model,
prepare=_prepare_random_matched_spans,
get_attention_weights=get_article_attention_weights,
criterion=torch.nn.MSELoss(reduction='sum'),
epochs=epochs,
batch_size=batch_size,
cuda=cuda,
tokenwise_attention=tokenwise_attention,
attention_acceptance=attention_acceptance) |
<reponame>hurryabit/qanban<filename>ui/src/Column.tsx
import React from 'react';
import { Grid, Header, Card, Button, List, SemanticICONS } from 'semantic-ui-react';
import { Id, ContractState, Contract, PartyId, UpdateMessage } from 'qanban-types';
import ProposalButton from './ProposalButton';
type Props = {
participant: PartyId;
state: ContractState;
contracts: { id: Id; contract: Contract }[];
reload: () => void;
}
const TITLES: Record<ContractState, string> = {
"PROPOSED": 'Proposed',
"ACCEPTED": 'Accepted',
"IN_PROGRESS": 'In Progress',
"IN_REVIEW": 'In Review',
"DONE": 'Done',
};
type Action = {
label: string;
isActive(participant: PartyId, contract: Contract): boolean;
callback(id: Id, reload: () => void): void;
}
function simpleCallback(type: Exclude<UpdateMessage["type"], "reject">): (id: Id, reload: () => void) => void {
const callback = async (id: Id, reload: () => void) => {
const command: UpdateMessage = {id, type};
const res = await fetch('/api/command', {
method: "POST",
headers: {
"Content-Type": "application/json",
},
body: JSON.stringify(command),
});
if (res.ok) {
reload();
} else {
console.error(`command failed with status ${res.status}:`, res.body);
}
}
return callback;
}
function rejectCallback(): (id: Id, reload: () => void) => void {
const callback = async (id: Id, reload: () => void) => {
const comment = prompt('Please add an explanatory comment.');
if (comment === null) {
return;
}
const command: UpdateMessage = {id, type: "reject", comment};
const res = await fetch('/api/command', {
method: "POST",
headers: {
"Content-Type": "application/json",
},
body: JSON.stringify(command),
});
if (res.ok) {
reload();
} else {
console.error(`command failed with status ${res.status}:`, res.body);
}
}
return callback;
}
const ACTIONS: Record<ContractState, Action[]> = {
"PROPOSED": [{
label: "Accept",
isActive: (participant, contract) => contract.missingAcceptances.includes(participant),
callback: simpleCallback("accept"),
}],
"ACCEPTED": [{
label: "Start",
isActive: (participant, contract) => participant === contract.assignee,
callback: simpleCallback("start"),
}],
"IN_PROGRESS": [{
label: "Finish",
isActive: (participant, contract) => participant === contract.assignee,
callback: simpleCallback("finish"),
}],
"IN_REVIEW": [{
label: "Reject",
isActive: (participant, contract) => contract.missingApprovals.includes(participant),
callback: rejectCallback(),
}, {
label: "Accept",
isActive: (participant, contract) => contract.missingApprovals.includes(participant),
callback: simpleCallback("approve"),
}],
"DONE": [],
};
const ICONS: Record<ContractState, (party: PartyId, contract: Contract) => SemanticICONS> = {
"PROPOSED": (party, contract) =>
contract.missingAcceptances.includes(party) ? "question circle outline" : "check circle outline",
"ACCEPTED": (party, contract) =>
party === contract.assignee ? "play circle outline" : "circle outline",
"IN_PROGRESS": (party, contract) =>
party === contract.assignee ? "stop circle outline" : "circle outline",
"IN_REVIEW": (party, contract) =>
contract.missingApprovals.includes(party) ? "question circle outline" : "check circle outline",
"DONE": () => "check circle outline",
};
const Column: React.FC<Props> = props => {
const contracts = props.contracts.filter(contract => contract.contract.state === props.state);
return (
<Grid.Column>
<Header textAlign="center">{TITLES[props.state]}</Header>
{props.state !== "PROPOSED" ? null : <ProposalButton reload={props.reload} />}
{contracts.map(({id, contract}) => {
const actions = ACTIONS[props.state].filter(action =>
action.isActive && action.isActive(props.participant, contract));
const icon = (party: PartyId) => ICONS[contract.state](party, contract);
return (
<Card key={id}>
<Card.Content>
<Card.Header>{contract.description}</Card.Header>
</Card.Content>
<Card.Content>
<List>
<List.Item icon={icon(contract.proposer)} content={`${contract.proposer} (proposer)`} />
<List.Item icon={icon(contract.assignee)} content={`${contract.assignee} (assignee)`} />
{contract.reviewers.map(reviewer => (
<List.Item key={reviewer} icon={icon(reviewer)} content={`${reviewer} (reviewer)`} />
))}
</List>
</Card.Content>
{contract.comments.length === 0 ? null : <Card.Content>
<List>
{contract.comments.map((comment, index) =>
<List.Item key={index} icon="comment outline" content={comment} />
)}
</List>
</Card.Content>}
{actions.length === 0 ? null :
<Button.Group attached="bottom" size="small">
{actions.map(action => (
<Button
key={action.label}
onClick={() => action.callback(id, props.reload)}
content={action.label}
/>
))}
</Button.Group>}
</Card>
);
})}
</Grid.Column>
);
}
export default Column;
|
package co.dlg.test.utils.common;
import javax.json.*;
import java.io.BufferedReader;
import java.io.FileReader;
import java.io.StringReader;
import java.util.List;
public class JsonParser {
public static void main(String[] args) {
try {
BufferedReader bufferedReader = new BufferedReader(new FileReader("D:\\DLG\\SCOR\\Requests\\M&P-CCv8-Json\\TimeSlotResponse.txt"));
StringBuffer stringBuffer = new StringBuffer();
String line = null;
while ((line = bufferedReader.readLine()) != null) {
stringBuffer.append(line).append("\n");
}
System.out.println(stringBuffer);
JsonReader jsonReader = Json.createReader(new StringReader(stringBuffer.toString()));
JsonObject jsonObject = jsonReader.readObject();
System.out.println("value =============================== " + navigateTree(jsonObject, "", "timeslot"));
} catch (Exception e) {
e.printStackTrace();
}
}
static List<String> value;
public static List<String> navigateTree(JsonValue tree, String key, String keyName) {
if (key != null)
System.out.print("Key " + key + ": ");
switch (tree.getValueType()) {
case OBJECT:
System.out.println("OBJECT");
JsonObject object = (JsonObject) tree;
for (String name : object.keySet()) {
navigateTree(object.get(name), name, keyName);
}
break;
case ARRAY:
System.out.println("ARRAY");
JsonArray array = (JsonArray) tree;
for (JsonValue val : array)
navigateTree(val, null, keyName);
break;
case STRING:
JsonString st = (JsonString) tree;
if (key.contains(keyName)) {
value.add(st.getString());
}
System.out.println("STRING " + st.getString());
break;
case NUMBER:
JsonNumber num = (JsonNumber) tree;
System.out.println("NUMBER " + num.toString());
break;
case TRUE:
case FALSE:
case NULL:
System.out.println(tree.getValueType().toString());
break;
}
return value;
}
} |
use near_sdk::{
env,
json_types::Base64VecU8,
serde::Deserialize,
serde_json,
};
#[derive(Deserialize)]
#[serde(crate = "near_sdk::serde")]
struct Param {
pub data: Base64VecU8,
}
#[no_mangle]
pub extern "C" fn upload() {
env::setup_panic_hook();
let input = env::input().unwrap();
let param: Param = serde_json::from_slice(&input).unwrap();
env::log_str(&format!("size: {}", param.data.0.len()));
let checksum = hex::encode(env::sha256(¶m.data.0));
env::log_str(&format!("hash: {}", checksum));
}
|
<reponame>ingscarrero/nodeJS
/**
* @interface ICartItem
* Represents a cart item data
*
*/
interface ICartItem {
/**
* @public
* @attribute
* Document identifier for later reference.
* @type {string}
* @memberof ICartItem
*/
id: string;
/**
* @public
* @attribute
* Identifier of the cart linked to the item.
* @type {string}
* @memberof ICartItem
*/
cart: string;
}
export default ICartItem; |
The New Zealand team has been built in its captain's image. When Brendon McCullum attacks, everyone follows. But it has been a long journey
"No captain of recent times has built a team more in their own image" © Getty Images
Brendon McCullum is a force.
The ball is full, and he swings through the line. He changes the momentum of the match right there. England have been hooping the ball around like crazy, they won the previous Test and, if you believe modern sports lore, they have momentum. New Zealand are only three wickets down, but a bad session and it could all be over.
Instead of attacking, England have to think about defence as the first ball McCullum faces clears the rope at cover. In 28 balls, McCullum will make 41 runs. It's not a Test innings. It's not substantial, but it helps deal with the swinging ball. Just as it looks like he is about to capitalise on that, he mis-hits a limp attempt at something similar to that first ball, and is caught. But Luke Ronchi comes in and keeps attacking, he plays a McCullum innings in McCullum's absence and New Zealand are well in the game.
When McCullum took the Test captaincy, he changed New Zealand's cricket history, and left destruction everywhere. Ross Taylor was sacked, confused, and upset. Martin Crowe told the world he had burnt his New Zealand team blazer. Mike Hesson made a mess. New Zealand Cricket admitted mistakes had been made. Kiwi fans were furious.
When McCullum arrived in South Africa for his first series as the Test captain, none of this had passed. In Cape Town in January 2013 he won the toss and batted. By lunch, South Africa were batting.
McCullum had Taylor's blood on his hands and at stumps on day one against South Africa, he had blood all over him
Ross Taylor did not bat in this Test. He was not part of the depressing conga line of ineptitude. He wasn't even on the tour.
The New Zealand players liked and respected Taylor as captain. He is one of the greatest batsmen to ever play for New Zealand. But he's not an inspirational leader, or talker, or tactician. He is an introvert, and the players felt he couldn't get the most out of them. Under his leadership they had beaten Australia in Hobart to draw a series, but they also hadn't won in four series.
What the players, Hesson and New Zealand cricket wanted was the sort of guy who would change a game with a tactic. Who would inspire them with a rousing speech. Who would charge through the changing room wall and a demand they follow him. The "who" was always obvious. McCullum had captained Taylor in the Under-19s; somehow, in Tests, that had been reversed.
The tour previous to South Africa was in Sri Lanka. During the six limited-overs matches on the tour, three were rained off. The others were rain reduced, and Sri Lanka won all three. Four days before the Test series started, Hesson sat down with Taylor. Hesson had previously given Taylor tips on how to be a better leader, which Taylor later would refer to as "laughable". This meeting was more serious.
What happened next was New Zealand's cricket Rashomon. Everyone has a different opinion on the same meeting. Hesson believed that he was telling Taylor that he was being removed from the limited-overs captaincy. Taylor believed he had been sacked as Test captain as well. NZC went into a poorly executed spin mode. The media and ex-players vented their rage.
All of this was made worse by the fact that Hesson was essentially giving the captaincy to McCullum, who was a close personal friend. Taylor felt like he had few friends on the team at the time, his mentor Crowe was going through cancer treatment, and his grandmother had died.Yet Taylor still went into the Test series as captain.
They lost the first Test by ten wickets. In the second Test, Taylor scored 142 in the first innings and was run out for 74 in the second. New Zealand won by 167 runs. He refused to captain in Tests after that.
McCullum had Taylor's blood on his hands and at stumps on day one against South Africa, he had blood all over him.
Ross Taylor had to deal with being relieved of the New Zealand captaincy and McCullum taking over © Getty Images
South Africa had scored five times the runs, lost seven fewer wickets and ended the game, and series, in one day. There were still nine days of cricket scheduled to come. Somehow they lost the next match even more brutally. They lost the two-Test series by two innings and 220 runs. McCullum passed 13 once in the series.
McCullum, Hesson and NZC had taken the captaincy away from Taylor after one of their best ever away Test wins. Then they produced a Test series so pathetic, they would have done better had they sat in a corner of the ground, curled up like a ball, slowly rocking.
In the wake of all this, McCullum and the rest of the New Zealand management sat down over a beer and looked at things. They had made the big decision and produced one of their worst ever results. They knew that the public saw them as overpaid and underperforming. In the words of McCullum, "lazy prima donnas". In that room, McCullum had to admit they were right, about his team, and him.
McCullum was "Mr Franchise", flying into Australia for a game just to qualify for another tournament, or opening the first IPL with a hundred that even Lalit Modi couldn't overvalue.
In 2009, he was among the world's highest-scoring batsmen in T20s, yet, after 42 Tests, McCullum had never made a hundred against a team ranked in the top eight. He'd had fun at Lord's with a 96 and a 97. Got all the way to 99 against Sri Lanka. And in Adelaide was stranded on 84. But he was averaging 31 with the bat. He was brash and fun but not the marrying kind, more a casual fling that you always remembered fondly.
In McCullum's 43rd Test, Jesse Ryder made 201. Ross Taylor made 151. And Brendon McCullum made his first ever hundred against a top-eight ranked side: 115 in a total of 619. Five years into his Test career.
In his next ten Tests, McCullum made hundreds against Bangladesh and Australia. The Australian one was his 51st Test. Australia had scored 459 for 5 declared and New Zealand had made 157 in their first innings. They followed on and were 119 runs behind when McCullum came in five wickets down. When McCullum was out, he had made 104 from 187 balls. It was the best innings of his entire career. It was still not enough, and Australia won easily.
A few months later, in 2010, he would be the first batsman to make 1000 international T20 runs. Not long afterwards, McCullum decided that he would give up keeping in Test cricket. The then chairman of selectors Mark Greatbatch said: "Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a Test batsman on his long-form batting performances."
McCullum's batting average in Test cricket at that time was 35. His batting was improving, but he seemed to be taking a massive gamble on his improvement not being just good form. There was also the risk that without the safety net of playing as a keeper, his attack-or-be-damned batting would be blunted. That it would turn him into a batsman with a flawed technique who no longer played with a carefree attitude.
That attitude had always been with him. McCullum came from a cricket family - his old man, Stu, played 75 first-class matches for Otago. His brother Nathan played for Albion and Otago, before following Brendon into the national team. Brendon started for Otago as a teenager. Even his club, Albion Cricket Club, can boast 24 other international cricketers.
After starting as a teenager, and with only a few unsuccessful games over his first two seasons, McCullum was opening the batting for Otago as a 20-year-old. On December 19, 2001, at Carisbrook in Dunedin, a strong Auckland side had finished their first innings on 374. The same day, McCullum faced a Test seam attack including Dion Nash, Andre Adams and Kyle Mills. McCullum made 142 off 148. When he was out, the rest of the batsmen combined had made 87 runs.
In Ahmedabad in 2010, in his first innings as a specialist batsman, he made 65 and batted for almost four hours. His fourth innings, in Hyderabad, he made 225 and batted for over nine hours. Since giving up the gloves, McCullum has averaged 43 with the bat. It was just another gamble that paid off.
Three years later, when England arrived for the series following New Zealand's South Africa nightmare, they were in the middle of a decline that they had not quite come to realise. New Zealand were on an ascendency that had not yet started on the field. New Zealand's main aim was to be competitive.
Going into day five of the third and deciding Test, the series scoreline was 0-0. The first Test New Zealand had been in a great position to win, when a dour England managed to force their way to a draw. In the second Test, rain had stopped England from going 1-0 up.
New Zealand couldn't quite get over the line against England in 2013 © Getty Images
Now, on this fifth morning, England were 90 for 4, with victory almost 400 runs away. McCullum had a hamstring injury. But he stayed out there, dragging his leg behind him, all day. Even though his bigger pay day, the IPL, was only a week away. He was trying to prove something to the fans, his team, and himself. New Zealand went within a Monty Panesar dismissal of winning the series.
When New Zealand arrived in England for the next tour, they believed in themselves a bit more. This new way of playing was working. They felt England were vulnerable. And thanks to a Tim Southee ten-wicket haul in a low scoring game, they needed a tough but chaseable 239 in the fourth innings at Lord's.
New Zealand started horribly. McCullum walked in and slapped one to the point boundary first ball. A few balls later he did it again. Next ball he came down the wicket, and missed one. It was given out lbw, the score: 29 for 6.
New Zealand go past 45, and all the way to 69. But emotionally, it's 45. They are smashed in the next Test as well.
In their next series, in Bangladesh, a team that McCullum had always done well against, he and his team struggled. Both Tests were draws, with Bangladesh well on their way to a win in the first Test. It meant that, in four series since taking over the side, McCullum had won not one Test series. Ross Taylor had not won a single series in the four series before that.
When West Indies turned up in New Zealand, they did so as the No. 7-ranked side, but also the side that had won the previous series between the sides 2-0. West Indies won the toss and bowled. Ross Taylor made 217. Brendon McCullum smacked 113.
Taylor kept making runs, 495 of them in three Tests, Southee and Boult took 38 wickets as well. New Zealand won their first Test series under McCullum, in no small part because of the man he replaced.
When India turned up later in the 2013-14 summer, they had just left South Africa. They had lost 1-0, but they had played some good cricket and certainly played better in South Africa than New Zealand had. In the first Test, Dhoni sent New Zealand in, and just after drinks in the first session, McCullum came to the crease with the score 30 for 3.
One hundred and four overs and three balls later McCullum was out. He had made 224 runs. India fought back, but they ended up 40 runs short.
In the second Test, New Zealand were five wickets deep into their second innings and still over 100 runs behind. A win for India would draw the series.
The problem was McCullum. It would be for the next 775 minutes.
This was not a flirty, happy innings. This was not a sloggy half-century. This was not a forgettable limited-overs moment. This was days and days of batting to save a Test for his country. When he arrived on day five, 281 not out, so did as many New Zealanders as was possible. There were queues outside the ground just to watch him. Queues, on day five. Queues on day five of a Test in New Zealand. For one man.
McCullum was the second batsmen in New Zealand to score 6000 Test runs. McCullum was the first New Zealand batsmen to ever make more than a thousand Test runs in a calendar year. In New Zealand's history there have been 19 scores over 200, and McCullum has made four of them.
But it was the triple-century New Zealand wanted. Martin Crowe had left them with a broken-hearted 299 all those years ago. Now they wanted more, at least one more. And the lazy prima donna franchise whacking boy gave it to them.
McCullum brought people back to the games, and kept them there. He took his team to the West Indies where they won for the second time ever, 2-1 in a close series. In the UAE, they came from behind to win the final Test against Pakistan and draw the series. McCullum opened up after Pakistan made 352. When McCullum was out, the score was 348 for 2 and he had made a better than run-a-ball double-hundred.
New Zealand out-McCullumed McCullum at Headingley. The last shot a New Zealander played in the series was a six
A few months later he would be announced as one of two New Zealanders of the year. Not for his cricket, but because he stood up to fixing.
He followed that up by walking to the crease in the two-Test series against Sri Lanka with the score at 88 for 3. He left, not that long later. But with 195 runs off 134 balls. His boys won that series as well.
McCullum had now won four out of his last six series. He'd brought people to cricket grounds. And now was the World Cup. McCullum was no longer just New Zealand's fearless leader, he was the world's most popular cricketer. The New Zealand team was adopted by most of the world as McCullum told his bowlers to take wickets, told his batsmen to hit sixes, and annihilated England in such a way that even grim hardcore dour English cricket types had to smile.
During that World Cup, the country that spends much of its time looking down at cricket, ignores it for rugby, has a frustrated relationship with the national side had suddenly became an obsessed cricket nation. Had McCullum stood on the bow of a ship and declared war on Chile, most of New Zealand would have followed.
Even Australians wanted to adopt him. At the World Cup he was the cricketer you had to watch. He would charge into an on-coming truck to save a run for his country. He would face Mitchell Johnson naked holding a cucumber if he had too. And if needed he would place every single person in New Zealand around the bat. Every moment was a Powerplay when McCullum was involved.
It was his World Cup, even as he lost it three balls into the final. Had he hit Mitchell Starc out of the attack, he could have won it as well.
At Lord's, McCullum made even more mistakes. Captains in two-Test series can't make mistakes. Last summer in England, Alastair Cook made a call to delay his declaration against Sri Lanka. It seemed unimportant at the time, even when Sri Lanka saved the Test by a wicket. It still looked that halfway through the Headingley Test that England would win comfortably. Then England ran into Angelo Mathews, James Anderson batted for longer than anyone thought he could, but one ball less than needed, and England lost a series they had dominated 70% of. Cook almost lost his job.
At Lord's this time, McCullum attacked Ben Stokes twice. He lost twice. The second one was fatal.
The New Zealand Herald ran an op-ed saying he was more worried about winning the PR battle and being the media darling than trying to win. But it almost looked like he had to attack because that's now who he was.
Back in South Africa at that meeting, the plan that was decided on was for New Zealand to be more attacking, respectful of their opposition and for other teams not to beat them. They wanted to be McCullum.
McCullum's side were outdone by some big hitting from Ben Stokes at Lord's © Getty Images
That is what this team now is. No captain of recent times has built a team more in their own image. McCullum drinks his own Kool-Aid, and everyone else follows. McCullum runs into burning houses, and everyone follows. McCullum attacks. New Zealand follows.
When he arrived at the crease for the third innings at Headingley, New Zealand were in an interesting position. A couple more wickets and there would be no real lead to bowl at. Cook was giggling at slip. It was a rare moment of unbridled Cook joy as he mimed what he assumed McCullum would do. Swinging wildly and top edging it high on the off side.
McCullum had started this Test series opting to bowl first. He started his first innings with a four. He started his second innings being bowled. And then he started his third innings with a six. Things happen quickly with him. There are better cricketers in the world, there is no one who makes each ball he is involved with more important. McCullum is must-watch cricket.
This time, McCullum blocked it. For six balls he didn't score at all, only one shot looked like McCullum, a play-and-whoosh outside off stump. The other four were leaves. In the first innings he was 13 runs from six balls. This time, instead of cavalier charges and back-away swipes, he built an innings on turns to backward square leg. In 98 opportunities, he scored four boundaries. At times in this series he has hit four boundaries in eight balls.
McCullum's strike rate was 56. New Zealand scored at 4.98 an over. New Zealand out-McCullumed McCullum. The last shot a New Zealander played in this series was a six.
New Zealand are unbeaten in their last seven Test series. They just played in their first World Cup final. They drew this series; they lost the World Cup.
McCullum will make more mistakes. He's not an irresistible force; he is a force of nature. Scientifically there are four forces of nature. When McCullum leads New Zealand these days, it often feels like there are eleven.
Jarrod Kimber is a writer for ESPNcricinfo. @ajarrodkimber
© ESPN Sports Media Ltd. |
def root(a, n, p, showprocess):
aint = int(int(a * 10**15) * 10 ** (p*n-15))
prev = (int((a+1) ** (1.0/n))+1) * 10 ** p
if showprocess:
print(num(prev, p))
while True:
x = (prev * (n-1) + aint // (prev ** (n-1))) // n
if showprocess:
print(num(x, p))
if abs(x - prev) < 10:
break
prev = x
return num(x, p) |
/* !!!
* So angepasst, dass bei doppelt auftretenden Eintraegen, der
* alte Eintrag weiterhin markiert bleibt. Diese Massnahme soll
* eigentlich nur verhindern, dass zufaellig zwei Eintraege
* markiert sind, falls nach der Anwahl eines Eintrages ein zweiter
* gleichlautender Eintrag hinzugefuegt wurde.
* Was hier die reine Lehre (oder war das die Leere?) anbetrifft:
* in einer Combo-Box sollten sich sowieso nie gleichlautende
* Eintraege befinden, da sie dort unsinnig sind und den Benutzer
* nur verwirren...
*/
void XmComboBoxAddItem(Widget w, XmString item, int pos)
{
int OldIndex = XmComboBoxGetSelectedPos(w);
if ( CheckComboBox(w, "XmComboBoxAddItem") ) return;
if ( ComboBox->combobox.Sorted )
pos = FindSortedItemPos(ComboBox, item);
XmListAddItem(ListBox, item, pos);
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# Hearts on Air
## L.H. Cosway
### Contents
Playlist
Author Newsletter
Introduction
One Epic Night
Part 1
Part 2
Hearts on Air
Preface
Prologue
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Eleven.
Twelve.
Thirteen.
Fourteen.
Fifteen.
Sixteen.
Seventeen.
Eighteen.
Nineteen.
Twenty.
Twenty-One.
Twenty-Two.
Twenty-Three.
Twenty-Four.
Twenty-Five.
Twenty-Six.
Twenty-Seven.
Twenty-Eight.
Epilogue
About the Author
Books by L.H. Cosway
Sneak Peek: New Series!
L.H. Cosway's HEARTS Series
Copyright © 2017 L.H. Cosway
* * *
Smashwords Edition.
All rights reserved.
* * *
Cover design by RBA Designs.
* * *
Editing by Marion Archer at Making Manuscripts.
* * *
Spanish translations by Dalitza M.
* * *
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author.
# Playlist
Check out the author's playlist for _Hearts on Air_ HERE.
# Author Newsletter
To keep up-to-date with all of L.H. Cosway's news, new releases, exclusives and appearances, sign up for the author newsletter HERE.
# Introduction
Have you read Trevor and Reya's prequel story, _One Epic Night_? If the answer is yes, then please continue to _Hearts on Air_. If no, then please read on.
It is highly recommended that you read _One Epic Night_ before continuing to _Hearts on Air_.
# One Epic Night
### A Hearts Story
BY L.H. COSWAY
# Part I
I was busking on the street, singing an "ironic" cover of _Wrecking Ball_ when I opened my eyes and saw him.
Trevor Cross, one of my best friends/bane of my existence sat with his legs dangling off the edge of a shop rooftop. He was my best friend because he was one of the most hilarious and fun people to be around. And he was the bane of my existence because he was a hyper-active livewire who, for some reason, enjoyed being in my company. Dealing with him sometimes felt like trying to circumnavigate a mine field. I changed the lyrics as I sang and wondered if he'd notice.
_You came in like a wrecking ball._
That was Trev down to a T. _Destructive. Addictive. Fascinating. Frustrating_. Too full of energy to ever pin down. At times he wrecked me. Other times he built me up. Our relationship was...complicated. And yet, we'd never even kissed.
He often liked to turn up unannounced like this. He knew my routine off by heart, so if he wanted to he could always find me. I busked every afternoon, Tuesday to Saturday, and in the evenings I gave private piano lessons. I usually played a club gig on Saturday nights, then had Sunday and Monday off. I tended to make a pretty steady income week on week.
Trevor watched me with a serious look on his face, his head tilted to one side as though in contemplation. He'd heard me sing countless times before, so I didn't really get what was different today.
Most of the time, I got one of two Trevors. The flamboyant, loud-mouthed, piss-taking one normally came out when we were around other people, while the more serious, introspective, thoughtful one made an appearance when it was just the two of us. If I wasn't acquainted with his more low-key side, then we probably wouldn't have stayed friends this long. There was only so much hyperactivity a person could handle.
We met almost two and a half years ago through my girlfriend, Karla, who at the time was having a clandestine relationship with Trevor's brother, Lee. Trev latched onto me from the very first night we met, charming me, making me laugh, making me feel like the most important and interesting person in the world. I'd come to learn that's what he did. His liveliness made you feel like a better version of yourself, someone far more exciting than who you really were.
When I finished the song Trev effortlessly jumped down from his spot on the roof, a skill honed through his years of dedication to parkour. As he crossed the street he pulled a lollipop from his pocket, ripped off the packaging and stuck it in his mouth.
"To what do I owe this pleasure?" I asked once he reached me.
His mischievous blue eyes caught the light in a way that almost made them appear otherworldly. He took his time sucking on the lolly, then pulled it out with a loud popping sound.
"Just came to check up on my favourite girl. I haven't heard you sing that one before. Never took you for a Miley fan," he grinned, goading me.
"Course I am. She's got more grit than Taylor," I answered, smiling as I moved to pack up my keyboard. Trev came forward and pushed my hands away when I went to fold up the stand.
"I've got it. You go grab your cash before someone tries to steal it."
"Okay, um, thanks," I said and went to pick up the hat I left out for passers-by to throw money in. Once everything was packed, Trev lifted my keyboard case and gestured for me to lead the way.
"Come on, I'll walk you home."
"Somebody's feeling very helpful today. What are you after?" I asked, suspicious.
He put his hand to his heart as though offended. "Can't a fella help out his best friend simply because he feels like it?"
"Yes, a fella can. You, on the other hand, always seem to have something up your sleeve."
He let out a slow breath, his gaze moving lazily over my features, down to my chest and then back up again. I was used to him looking at my boobs. It was par for the course with him. And since I'd been born with an ample pair, it seemed like a losing battle to get someone like Trev not to ogle them. I ran my hands down my long burgundy dress, feeling self-conscious. He wasn't ogling me light-heartedly like he normally did. Today there was more heat behind it, and it put me on edge.
So, here's a confession. When I first met Trev I was hopelessly infatuated with him. I mean, show me a twenty-two-year-old girl who wouldn't be. Trev was tall, dark haired, light eyed, athletically muscular and had a great sense of humour. Plus, he was never short on charm or compliments. All this meant I developed a gigantic crush. Little did I know, all he was after was friendship.
It should've been more obvious to me, but at the time I had my head in the clouds. Trev didn't go for women who looked like me. He liked them petite and blonde, while I was anything but. Anyway, it took me a few months to come to the heart-breaking realisation that he wasn't interested in me romantically. After that, I made my peace with the situation and moved on. Now I was a twenty-four-year-old woman who knew better than to put her eggs in the Trevor Cross basket.
But today...today he was looking at me in a way he never had before and it was making me feel strange. Too hot, and itchy – real itchy.
He was uncharacteristically silent as he went back to sucking on his lolly.
I eyed him. "What's up with you?"
"Nothing."
"Come on. You're being weird. Well, weirder than usual."
He shoved one hand in his jeans pocket. "I guess I'm just a little bit restless. I feel like doing something crazy, something exciting. It's Friday and I don't have a shift at Lee's until the day after tomorrow. How about we go out and have some fun? Throw caution to the wind."
I smiled fondly at his enthusiastic hand gesture. "Like how?"
"Like..." he paused, pondering it a moment before he continued, "Okay, how about this. We both make a pact to stay out for the entire night, and we can't go home until we've done at least three things we've never done before."
I gave him a suspicious look. "I don't know. I think your idea of exciting is a lot more extreme than mine."
He came around to stand in front of me and I stopped in place. "What if I promise not to make you do anything you don't want to? Come on, Reyrey, have an adventure with me. You know you won't regret it."
I wasn't too sure about that. Still, after only a few moments of hesitation I gave in, unable to resist that boyish grin of his, especially when he called me Reyrey. I hated it, but also secretly kind of loved it. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Yes! Okay, now all you have to do is suck on the lollipop to make it official," he held it out to me in challenge, then winked. "It's strawberry. Your favourite."
I knew he thought I wouldn't do it, which kind of made me want to prove him wrong. Instead of pushing the proffered lolly out of the way, I plucked it from his fingers, stuck it in my mouth and took a long suck.
When I popped it from my lips I shot him a cheeky grin. "Mmm, delicious."
Trev's mouth fell open and I delighted in the fact that I'd surprised him. I arched a brow in challenge, waiting for him to comment, but all he did was stare at my mouth like he never noticed how fascinating it was before. Shivers ran up my arms and I started to regret my gutsy move.
He took a step closer, his eyelids hooded, and asked quietly, "I know I'm probably gonna get a slap for this, but would you consider sucking my cock like you just sucked that lolly as one of the things you've never done before?"
Now it was my turn to be surprised. And turn bright red. And get goosebumps over every inch of my body. I mean, he'd said stuff like this to me in the past, but it had always been in jest. Today I wasn't so sure. It felt like if I said yes, he'd actually go ahead with it. And it was difficult to breathe normally when the image of giving my best friend a blowjob was etched in my mind. Swallowing hard, I shook my head and plastered on a breezy expression, "Nice try, but I think I'll pass."
Trev threw his arm around my shoulders then bent to whisper in my ear, "Spoilsport."
I tried to ignore how his breath hit my skin, and how his voice gave me tingles.
When we arrived at my building, I stepped ahead of him to swipe my fob over the door entry system. Living in a three-hundred square foot studio apartment could be stifling and demoralising at times, but it was the only thing that was within my budget. When I was in college I lived in a house share, and believe it or not, this was actually a step up.
I wanted to sing for a living, and I knew I'd be miserable doing anything else, so for that reason I had to make sacrifices.
At first I'd been too embarrassed to bring Trev here, because the building was old and a little musty, and when you lived in such a small place all of your possessions were sort of on show. It was like bringing people right inside your bedroom. Awkward. Too close.
Keeping Trev away was a losing battle though, and eventually he wore me down. He actually liked the place, thought it was cosy. But that was probably because he'd grown up in a tiny council house with his three brothers all sleeping in one room. Hell, he probably considered my place spacious in comparison.
Anyway, I tried to keep the place nice and take pride in it, even though it wasn't much. At least I could hold my head high and be proud of my little home.
As soon as we got in Trev flopped down onto my bed. He pulled his phone from his pocket, probably to check Facebook or something, while I went to put my things away and freshen up in the bathroom. When I returned he was still on his phone. I took a moment to soak him in, because the visual of him lying so casually on my bed was always...interesting.
Sure, I'd made my peace with the fact that he didn't fancy me, but I couldn't help finding him attractive. He just was. He was pretty, too, for a bloke. His lips were full and red, his lashes long and dark, and his skin pale and flawless. Being of Spanish descent, I was his opposite: dark eyed and tan. Perhaps that was why I'd always been so taken with his looks.
I dropped down beside him and asked, "What are you looking at?"
He turned the screen so I could see and I scrunched up my face. "An underground rave? Not sure that's my thing."
"But it's held in an old abandoned tube station. Neither one of us has been to a rave in a tube station before. We should do it."
I shrugged and gave it some thought. I wasn't a big fan of rave music, but I did like to dance. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. "Okay, then. We'll go, but you have to stick with me. I hate being left alone at those things."
Trev shot me a serious look. "Of course I'll stick with you. I wouldn't leave you on your own. It's not safe."
His sincerity made me feel a little less wary and I gave him a grateful smile. This close I could smell him, and involuntarily I leaned in to sniff his neck.
"Did you just smell me?" he asked with amusement.
I blinked, realising how odd that was. "Um, yeah, sorry. Is that new cologne?"
"Acqua di Gio. You like it?"
"I really do."
He grinned. "Good." Leaning in, he brought his nose to my neck and inhaled deeply. The action caused my stomach to clench and my chest to flutter. I thought I even felt his lips touch my skin for a second.
"You don't smell so bad yourself."
"Thanks."
He winked. "I'm all about returning the favour. Do you need to do anything else before we leave?"
I shook my head and he pulled me up from the bed. Before I knew it we were on the tube, heading for destinations unknown.
"It's too early for the rave, so I thought we'd go get something to eat first."
"Good idea. I'm starving."
Trev grinned devilishly and I knew it meant all was not as it seemed, but I decided not to question him. For some reason I felt like truly embracing his idea of throwing caution to the wind. I did need material for some new songs, after all. Maybe this night of new experiences would be the perfect inspiration.
Yes, God help me, for the next couple of hours I was going to let Trevor Cross be my guide. I almost regretted the decision when twenty minutes later he led me inside a restaurant where apparently people paid to eat in the dark.
"Why would anyone want to do this? I like to be able to _see_ my food, not have it fall all over my lap because I've been rendered blind."
"It's more sensual in the dark," said Trev, making his voice intentionally husky. "When you can't see you have to focus on everything else; sound, smell, taste."
I stiffened in awareness at the way he spoke. Why was he acting so weird today? "Didn't peg you for a sensualist."
"Hey, now that's just insulting. Of course I am. How else do you think I got so good in bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. You could be terrible," I said, unable to resist goading him as we waited in reception for a table to free up. Looking around, I noticed it was mostly couples here, which made me feel a little self-conscious.
Trev pulled his phone from his pocket and began flicking through his contacts. "Oh, no way am I letting you away with that one. Let's call up one of my exes and have her substantiate my claims to greatness, shall we? How about Lila?"
I swiped his phone from him. "No way. You know I was never fond of Lila. She freaked me out."
Trev waggled his brows and grabbed the phone back. "Why? Were you jealous?"
"No, I wasn't jealous. It had nothing to do with her being your girlfriend. She was just...weird. She always used to look at me like, I don't know, like she fancied me or something. Plus, she never wore a bra. I don't trust women who don't wear bras. It's not natural."
" _Au contraire_ ," Trev disagreed. "I think you'll find it's perfectly natural. In fact, you should try it sometime."
I shot him a cynical look and he chuckled, relenting, "Okay, maybe not in public. With a rack like yours that might be a little obscene."
I folded my arms across my chest. "Wow, thanks."
"It's a compliment, Reya."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."
"Anyway, Lila looked at you like she fancied you because _did_ fancy you. Didn't I ever mention she swung both ways?"
I tensed as my mouth fell open. "Um, no, you didn't." The idea of Trev's ex-girlfriend fancying me made me blush. I'd had no idea.
"She was forever trying to convince me to lure you into a threesome. I told her that although that would make for _quite_ the memorable evening, it went against the code."
"The code?"
"The buddies code. Buddies don't show each other their special places. Unless of course you're one of those freaks who likes walking around communal changing rooms bollock naked."
I laughed and shook my head. "Right. No special place exposure around friends. Makes sense."
Trev's eyes twinkled as he stared at me, clearly enjoying the topic of conversation. He loved talking about stuff that made most people squirm. Like anal sex, or getting caught watching porn by a family member, or whether or not you considered it healthy to masturbate on a regular basis.
A smartly dressed woman approached us, the maître d', and ushered us into the darkened restaurant. I latched onto Trev's arm, momentarily blinded. He took me by surprise when instead he took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. Warmth suffused my cheeks at the action.
By the time we sat down at the table my eyes had adjusted somewhat to the dark. A waitress came and recited the menu, and I opted for the lemon chicken and sweet potato wedges, because it sounded like the least messy option.
"This is weird," I said to Trev once she left. "Isn't it weird? I feel like there's probably stains all over the table, and the cutlery could be dirty for all we know."
"Stop being so anal," he chided before he reached over and gave my knee a squeeze. I couldn't exactly tell the layout of the place, but Trev had decided to sit right next to me.
I sighed and apologised. "Sorry. You know I'm a clean freak."
He let go of my knee and I almost missed his touch. "This night is about pushing our boundaries. Think about it this way. The most uncomfortable experiences make for the most memorable memories. We're making memories tonight, Reya Cabrera. Isn't it exciting?"
I laughed at his enthusiasm. "I guess."
Now he slapped me on the thigh. "That's the spirit."
The waitress returned with our drinks, and I'll be honest, I spilled a little of my white wine down the front of my dress. I just hoped it dried before we left the restaurant. Trev and I laughed and giggled our way through the entire experience, which made it totally worth it. At one point he talked me into letting him feed me, and I had to guess what I was eating. When he ordered dessert, he'd insisted on whispering it to the waitress so I couldn't hear.
"Is that meringue?"
"Yes."
"And cream."
"Uh huh."
"And coulis. I've got it! Eton Mess."
"Well done. Now you win the prize of me feeding you the rest of it," he announced, and even though I could barely make him out, I just knew he was smirking. Before I could protest he had another spoonful nudging at my lips, but I wasn't quick enough and half of it spilled down over my chin. I felt like a three-year-old eating custard.
I startled a yelp when Trev dove in and licked the fallen dessert from my chin like it was the most normal thing in the world.
I repeat. He. Licked. The. Dessert. From. My. Chin.
I sat frozen for a moment then blurted, "What was that?"
There was silence for a beat. "A dog just broke into the restaurant. Can't you see? Get out, you filthy mutt!"
"Trev, that wasn't a dog."
"No?" I could sense his grin.
"No, it was your mouth."
I saw movement in the dark as he raised his hands in the air. "Fine, you have me. I licked you."
A shudder went through me at the simple statement. "Why?"
"Didn't want it to go to waste."
He said this like it was no big deal. Why did he always have to be so unaffected by everything? For once I wished for him to show fluster or even a hint of nervousness. But no, he was the cool one. _I_ was the nervous one. Which was probably why I was so lost for words right then.
He took his phone out and the screen illuminated his face. I was glad he'd decided to check his messages, because I needed a few moments to calm down. Trev was my friend, nothing more. I'd crushed any flowery notions I had about him years ago. So why wouldn't my stomach stop flipping over on itself? All I could think about was how his mouth felt on my chin. It reminded me of how men kissed women in movies, unable to get enough as they mouthed their chin, the edges of their lips, like they wanted to consume their entire face.
My wandering thoughts caused a flush to break out across my chest and my thighs quivered. I really needed to get laid. The last time I had sex was almost five months ago, and it hadn't even been with a boyfriend. It had been a tawdry one night stand with a guy I met after one of my gigs, and he'd looked _disturbingly_ like Trevor. The realisation embarrassed me right down to my toes, because I knew he'd have a field day if he ever found out.
Trev slipped his phone back in his pocket. "Lee and Karla are such a pair of smarmy bastards," he tutted.
I turned my head to him. "Huh?"
He sighed. "They've been posting endless pics of their holiday over in Portugal. All loved up. Makes me sick."
"Somebody sounds bitter. Has there been some sort of blip in the love life of Trevor Cross, mayhap?"
"No, there hasn't. Just don't need it rubbed in my face twenty-four-seven."
"Oh my God, you are __ bitter. Does it bother you that your brothers are all settling down? Lee's got Karla, Stu's got Andie, hell, even Liam's started seeing some girl he seems pretty serious about. Maybe you should think about finding someone you actually want to spend time with outside of having sex," I hinted.
"Why would I do that when I've got you?" he asked, like it was a perfectly reasonable question. It was in this moment that I really wished I could see his facial expression, because I couldn't tell if he was being serious.
I scoffed. "I hope that's a joke."
"And what if it isn't?" he challenged. God, he _was_ serious.
"Well, for one I'm not going to be around forever. Someday I'm going to meet a man and fall in love, get married, have kids. I won't be available for you to just come see whenever the mood takes you."
"And why not? Let's just say you do get married, which by the way, isn't likely, I'll still be your friend. We should still be able to hang out."
I gaped at him, even though he couldn't see me, hung up on the "isn't likely" bit of what he just said. "Why isn't it likely?"
Trev sighed. "In the past two years I've only ever seen you with one boyfriend, Charles or whatever his name was."
"Charlie," I corrected, voice tight.
"Yeah, Charlie. And he didn't last very long. Anyway, you seem happier single. That's why we get along so well. We're alike."
"We're not alike at all. And I'm not happier single, very few people are. Nobody wants to be alone for the rest of their lives," I bit out, upset with him.
"Reya..."
"No, fuck you, Trev. You can be such a fucking arsehole sometimes," I said and stood from the table, bumping my knee in the process. Stupid bloody dining in the dark. What a ridiculous idea. I fumbled through the restaurant, but it took me forever to find my way out. When I finally got outside I inhaled a deep breath, still riled by Trev's insinuation that I was going to be single forever. What a dickhead.
I wasn't sure why my emotions were so close to the surface today, because I never usually lost my temper with him, and there were times when he really tried my patience. I guess it was because of how affectionate he was being, touching me, licking the dessert from my chin. It gave me momentary ideas I had no business entertaining.
The door swung open and Trev emerged. He glanced from left to right before he spotted me. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking sheepish.
"I'm sorry. You're right. I was an arsehole. Please don't hate me."
I blew out a breath. "I don't hate you. What you said just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, you probably don't understand because you always have your family around, but life can be very lonely for me sometimes. I'm not close to my family like you are, and when I go home at the end of the day I don't have a bunch of brothers to keep me company. The idea that that's all I'll ever have is depressing, so it pissed me off when you basically condemned me to a life of spinsterhood."
Trev's brows drew together, casting an intense look over his features. Then he ran a hand over his face and swore. "Fuck."
I grew self-conscious and wanted to change the subject. "Look, don't worry about it. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. Just...try and think before you speak in future."
Trev took a step toward me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "No, you have every right to be upset. That was a shitty thing to say, but I didn't realise you were lonely. You always seem so...together. Happy."
"I am happy, and I like my life, but I'd like it even better if I had someone to share it with." I stared at the ground now, unable to look him in the eye.
"You will one day, I promise. But in the meantime, I don't like thinking of you all sad and lonely in your little flat. If you ever feel that way, just come stay with me for a couple days. There's more space at ours now that Stu's moved out, and everybody loves having you around."
"Okay," I whispered as he continued massaging my shoulders.
"Reya, look at me."
I glanced up. "What?"
"You're beautiful."
"Shut up."
"No, I'm being serious. You are. Any man in his right mind would give his left nut to be with you."
_Not you, though_ , my brain piped in. Shut up, brain!
"And you're talented. And funny. And just plain lovely to be around. And the first time I heard you sing I swear I got a stiffy."
I hit him on the chest. "You did not."
"I did. Ask Karla. She was there. I think I might've scarred her for life."
I laughed and he pulled me into a hug. I sank into his embrace, savouring it, because so few people hugged me these days. When I was little, my mum used to hug me all the time, but not anymore.
"Seriously though, you're amazing, so don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even dumb fucks like me who are supposed to be your best friend," he said, his mouth on my hair. I took the opportunity to breathe in his smell. I'd never admit it to anyone, but it was my favourite.
"Okay, I believe you," I said and we pulled apart.
Trev grinned. "About being amazing or my unfortunate public erection?"
I laughed loudly. "Both."
We stared at each other, smiling. It lasted a long moment before Trev glanced back at the restaurant and muttered, "Oh, shit."
I frowned. "What's wrong?"
He looked back at me. "We both just left without paying."
"Crap! Okay, let's go back in and explain."
Trev grabbed my hand, halting my progress. When I glanced up at him I recognised the shine of mischief in his eyes. "Oh no, don't even think about it."
"Come on. You've never dined and dashed, and believe it or not, neither have I. It's a new thing for both of us. Let's do it."
I stared him down firmly. "Trevor, _no_."
He peered over my shoulder. "Reya."
"What?"
"Hey, you two!" came a voice.
"Run!"
My heart pounded when he tugged on my hand. I didn't know if it was fear, adrenaline, or the simple desire not to be arrested for walking out of a restaurant without paying, but I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, until the man's shouts faded and we'd made it back to the tube station. It wasn't until we were sitting on a carriage that I finally calmed down. I felt awful though, and determined to find out the name of the girl who'd been waiting our table and anonymously send her money for the meal.
"Where are we going now?"
Trev made a tutting sound. "Wait and see, nosy knickers. It's a surprise."
A half hour later we stood in front of steps that led down to a public toilet. Yes, you didn't mishear me. _A public toilet_. Above the steps was a sign that read "Ladies & Gents".
"Good God, do I even want to know what we're doing here?" I asked. "If you say we're meeting a stranger to A.) buy drugs or B.) engage in an act of public indecency, I'm going to have to unfriend you forever and ever, Amen."
"Oh, don't be such a drama queen. You're going to love this," Trev chided and stood behind me. He gripped each of my shoulders and ushered me down the steps. I moved forward at a wary pace, experiencing a few moments of misgiving before I stepped down into what appeared to be a tiny pub. In spite of the old bathroom tiles on the wall, it was sort of adorable. I twisted around to eye my friend. He winked. "Bet you never had a drink in a public bathroom before."
"This is nuts. How have I never known this was here?"
Trev tipped the side of his nose. "It's London's best kept secret."
I scoffed. "I should hope London has some better kept secrets than this, otherwise she's definitely letting the side down."
"Oh, she has many more, don't you worry. She's a secretive old hussy is our London," said Trev.
Laughing, we each took a seat by the bar and I scanned the cocktail menu. "I think we should both try a new drink."
"Good idea," said Trev before slamming his hand down on the counter. "Barkeep! Bring us two of the most potent cocktails on your menu."
The guy behind the bar smirked at Trev's antics as he used a dishcloth to dry a glass. "If you're after a Cosmo, you only have to ask. I'm sure your lovely lady friend here won't think you less of you."
I gasped a tiny breath at his cheekiness and looked him up and down. He was hot, if you were into bearded hipsters. Trev didn't bat an eyelash.
"Believe me, sir, if I wanted a Cosmo, I'd order a Cosmo. My lady friend is well aware of all my manly attributes."
I glanced at him and raised an eyebrow. "Am I?"
"Last summer, Camber Sands, my towel very inconveniently slipped when I was changing out of my swimming trunks, allowing you to cop quite a delightful eyeful."
I did my best to hide my blush, because it was true. I'd seen Trev's manhood in all its glory, and though it had only been a flash, it was enough to let me know he was well-endowed.
"The delightfulness is yet to be confirmed."
Trev's eyes glittered as he leaned closer. "Is that a challenge?" His breath hit my skin and I needed a subject change, pronto. I turned to the barman.
"So, any drinks suggestions?"
He pursed his lips, thinking about it. "Either of you ever tried The Zombie?"
"That sounds suitably morbid and extreme. We'll have two," Trev announced.
"Hold up. I want to know what's in it first."
"Three different types of rum, lime juice, falernum, angostura bitters, pernod, grenadine, cinnamon syrup and grapefruit juice." The barman lifted a finger for each listed ingredient.
I grimaced. "I honestly can't decide if that sounds revolting or delicious."
Trev nudged me with his elbow. "You'll just have to try it and find out."
He eyed me meaningfully, and I knew it was a silent reminder of what tonight was all about. New experiences. Right. "Okay, but if I get an ulcer you'll be nursing me back to health."
Trev smiled widely. "Well, duh! I look fab in a nurse's uniform. Starched out white's my colour."
A few minutes later the barman set our drinks down and I lifted mine, first taking a sniff. It was definitely potent. When I took a tentative sip it burned but in a good way. Trev let out a hoot after he downed a long gulp.
The barman shot me a little grin. "Well, what do you think?"
"I imagine it's an acquired taste," I answered and he chuckled, his expression warming in a way that made me wonder if he fancied me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't the sort of woman who went around thinking every bloke fancied her just because they were friendly. But I did have my audience, as most of us do. There was a certain sort of man who found me attractive, and I was beginning to think Mr Barman was one of them.
"I'm Ash, by the way," he said and held his hand out across the bar to me. I shook with him, aware of Trev's attention all the while.
"Reya."
"And I'm Trevor," my friend finished. "Now we're all on first name terms. How splendid." If I wasn't mistaken, I thought there was a hint of annoyance in his tone.
Ash nodded to him then quickly brought his attention back to me.
"So Reya, do you live around here?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but before I could get a word in Trev interrupted. "Tell me, Ashington..."
"It's Ashley."
"Well, that makes it so much better. Tell me, do you always come onto other men's girlfriends while you work, or is this just a one-time thing?"
Ash raised an eyebrow. "Is she your girlfriend?"
"No, but..."
"Well then, that answers your question."
"No, it doesn't. For all you know we could be married with three adorable children."
Ash smirked. "I took a wild guess."
"Oh yeah?"
I eyed Trev, not getting where all this hostility was coming from. He'd just told me one day I'd meet a man and fall in love, yet here he was hardly an hour later, vagina-blocking the shit out of me. I nudged him in the elbow as he stared Ash down.
"Quit being weird."
"I'm not being weird. I'm simply questioning this young man's ignoble intentions."
I scoffed at that, because Ash was clearly a couple years older than Trev. Instead of engaging him, Ash reached under the counter and grabbed a pen, then proceeded to scribble something on a napkin. He set it in front of me and I peered down to see his phone number.
"In case you ever want to go out," he said, giving Trev a look before returning his gaze to me. When he went to serve the people at the other end of the bar, I turned my attention to my friend, who at least had the decency to look sheepish. He lifted his drink and took a sip. I folded my arms and cocked my head. He pretended to peruse the liquor bottles stacked in a row along the shelf. I cleared my throat.
"Care to explain what that was all about?"
"I was saving your bacon. You don't want to date a barman, Reyrey. Bunch of sluts, the lot of 'em."
"And how to do you know? Have you met every barman in the whole entire world?"
"I've met my fair share. Though the Greeks are by far the sluttiest. When me and the lads went to Santorini last year, there was this bartender who got off with a new bird every night. Lots of tourists there, so it was a target rich environment, but still."
"Well, Ash doesn't look Greek to me."
"No, he looks like a tosser."
"Trev!"
"What? You know it's true. And anyway, I'm sick of this bearded trend that's been going around. Contrary to popular belief, not all blokes look good with facial hair. They think it gives them automatic hunk status. Well, I'm sorry, but you just look like a nerd with a beard. Or a fat bloke with a beard. Or a big nosed sod with a beard."
"Wow, you've really got a bee in your bonnet about this. Is it because you can't grow one yourself?" I asking, goading him. It was rare that Trev got riled, so I was taking advantage of the opportunity to tease him.
"I'll have you know I can grow a beard just fine. I simply choose not to. Besides, who'd want to cover up this glorious face?"
"Hmmm, sounds like the gentleman doth protest too much," I grinned around a sip of my cocktail.
He levelled me with a serious look. "Is that another challenge?"
"Would you like it to be?"
He let out a long sigh. "No. Look, all I'm saying is, I care about you. And I don't want you going out with some arsehole who doesn't appreciate how wonderful you are."
I had to admit, I was touched by the compliment and the ferocity in his voice. "Yes well, you don't need to worry. I don't fancy him anyway."
Now Trev smiled. "I knew you had good taste."
"Oh, whatever, just admit that you were jealous. And I'm not saying you were jealous in the romantic sense. I'm saying you were jealous in the possessive sense. You don't like the idea of me dating someone, because it'd mean I wouldn't be available at your beck and call like I am now. You might not admit it, but you need me, Trev. You've become accustomed to having me around."
I finished speaking and he stared at me for a long moment, a slow, lazy smile gracing his lips. It did something weird to the pit of my stomach. "Fine, you're right. I like having you around, and I don't like anyone taking you away. You're my BFF. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Ha! I knew it."
He ran a hand down his face. "You've turned me into one of those psycho girls who get jealous when their bestie starts spending all their time with a new boyfriend."
"That just about sums up your personality to a T. And I don't even have a boyfriend yet."
"Exactly. I'm gonna go full-on bunny boiler when you start seeing someone. I'll probably even hire a private investigator to make sure he's on the level, like Jennifer Anniston did when she first started seeing Brad."
I let out a surprised chuckle. "How do you even know that?"
"I read TMZ," he replied humorously.
"I wouldn't be surprised if you did."
"I'm not lying. Now come on, drink up. We need to get a move on if we want to make it to our next destination."
# Part II
Even though it was only one cocktail, I felt decidedly tipsy as we made our way to the rave. I knew the whole thing wasn't technically legal when Trev began helping me climb over a railing that blocked the entrance to the old tube station. He bent to give me a leg up and let out a weird grunting sound. Instead of getting embarrassed, I decided to find humour in the situation.
"I'm not the lightest piece of timber in the crate," I said, chuckling as Trev made a concerted effort to lift me.
"Yeah, but it's all in the boobs and arse," he threw back cheekily. I made it to the top of the railing, but my dress got caught in a section of pointed metal. As I swung my leg over, it shifted, revealing my black cotton underwear for all the world to see. And when I say all the world, I mean Trevor Cross. He waggled his brows as I hurried to pull my dress back down.
"Nice undies," he said, grinning.
I tried for casual, even though my pulse was racing at the way his gaze traced the line of my underwear. "You should see the ones I wear on special occasions. They put these everyday knickers to shame."
Now his grin transformed into a smirk. "You mean the red lacy pair with the garter belt? Already seen 'em."
I froze, because I did have a red lace underwear set with a garter belt, but I never showed them to Trev. "What?"
His blue eyes sparkled in the dark. "What's a boy to do when he's waiting around for you to be done in the shower? I had to entertain myself somehow."
"Oh my God! If I wasn't currently stranded on top of a fence, I'd kill you right now."
"I'm nosy, Reya. You shouldn't leave your underwear drawer unlocked around nosy boys," he tutted.
I stabbed my finger through the air at him. "You shouldn't be looking in drawers that don't belong to you, underwear or otherwise."
"Now where's the fun in that?"
I shot him a scowl and turned to jump down the other side. "I can't even with you sometimes." Bracing myself, I made a move but Trev's voice halted me.
"Wait! I'll help you."
Quick as a flash he leapt up the railing and over to the other side. It was decidedly graceful compared to the disaster I was making of the job. Trev reached up and grabbed my hips. I trembled all over at the simple touch and glanced down at him. A moment passed between us and his gaze darkened.
"Jump. I'll catch you," he said, his voice unusually gruff.
I felt like making a comment on how if I was a virgin this fence would've already robbed me of my maidenhood, but I was too caught up in his stare. I pushed off the fence and just like he promised, Trev caught me. His strong arms gripped my waist and my chest pressed flush to his. My breathing quickened as my attention fell to his mouth. I watched as his tongue dipped out to wet his lips and a small sound escaped me. It was somewhere between a moan and a yelp, and it seemed to do something to Trev.
Before I knew it he had me backed up against the fence and our entire bodies were moulded together. I could smell him again, and this time it was intoxicating.
All I could hear were the faint sounds of the city and our heavy breathing. I didn't know what to do, didn't know what he was doing, and my head was fuzzy from the cocktail of death I just drank. Finally, I bent my neck to look up at him and was astounded by what I saw.
Lust.
Pure, heavy, unadulterated lust.
Trevor Cross wanted me.
What alternate universe was this?
I opened my mouth to speak. "What are you..."
"We should fuck," he said and I startled.
"E-excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"Trev, were you drinking before you came to see me today? Because you've been acting strange since the moment you showed up and—"
"I just want to see what it'd be like," he said on an exhale.
"Trevor," I muttered, my voice shaky with warning.
"Come on, you have to admit you've thought about it."
I didn't say anything, and for once I was thankful for my caramel complexion, because right then I was blushing down to my toes.
"I know that look. You're embarrassed, but you don't need to be. Obviously, you've thought about it. I'm male, you're female, we're both single and we're not blood related. I've thought about it a few times. Actually, more than a few."
I knew if it were possible for a human being to turn into a strawberry, I'd be one. I was at once enthralled by the topic of conversation and extremely uncomfortable. Because although Trev might have thought about the act, I was certain he didn't think about the emotion. But I did. I found him attractive, yes, but I also had feelings for him. Feelings I thought I'd managed to stifle, but tonight they were all floating right back up to the surface.
I levelled my hands on his chest in an effort to put some space between us, but he held firm. "You're a bloke. Of course you've thought about it. Women are different. We're far more emotional than physical."
"That's bullshit. I've known women who like sex just as much as I do."
"Yes well, I'm not one of them. Sex for me has always involved feelings."
His gaze flickered over my face and I grew self-conscious at how closely he was studying me. "So, what you're saying is, you don't have sex with men you don't have feelings for."
I nodded. "Yes, exactly."
"So it's perfect. You have feelings for me, therefore, we can have sex."
"I do not—"
"You're misunderstanding. If I died tomorrow, would you cry at my funeral?"
"Of course."
"And I'd bawl my eyes out at yours, so you see, we have feelings for each other. We're friends, of course we do."
"Yes, the operative word being "friends". If we had sex it would change things, and I don't want to lose you."
"You wouldn't lose me. I promise."
_No, but you'd lose me._ Because I knew without a doubt that if I slept with Trev, I'd fall in love with him irrevocably. No strings attached wouldn't work, because there was an entire labyrinth of strings between us. Well, at least on my end there were.
I shook my head. "Why do you even want this? I'm sure there'll be dozens of girls at this rave you could sleep with."
Trev scratched his head, his expression thoughtful. "Promise you won't laugh?"
"I won't laugh, I promise."
"Well, I'm been having trouble with women lately. Specifically, I've been having trouble with my sex drive in that I haven't had one. Every time I try to shag a girl, I just don't feel it. Instead I've been thinking about you a lot."
I sucked in a breath, my heart beating double time. "About me?"
He brought his hand up to my shoulder, gave it a squeeze then slid his hand down my arm. "Yeah, like, the way you wear those long flowy dresses that cover everything up except a hint of cleavage. I imagine what you'd look like under them. Or when I watch you sing, I will you to open your eyes and look at me. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe with it."
My skin heated at his words, because he had no idea that I used to think of him in exactly the same way. If we were sitting closely on the couch, I'd imagine him throwing me down and kissing me. Or if he touched my hand I'd wish for him to hold it, to prolong the contact in any small way. It was a pity he was having these feelings two years too late, because I'd gone through all that and come out the other end. I couldn't go back there. For the sake of my sanity, I just couldn't.
"I can't sleep with you, Trev. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
He leaned his body into mine again. His hard dips and lines somehow fit perfectly to my rounded curves. His mouth bent to my ear as he whispered, "Don't pretend like you can't feel this. Imagine how it would be. All this tension that's been building up for years finally having an outlet. I bet you'd blow my mind. I bet it would be fucking _epic_."
I trembled at his low, husky words, momentarily lost in a lust-filled haze before his meaning sank in. _Building up for years_. Had he known I'd wanted him all this time and simply ignored it for whatever fucked up reason? Fury simmered just below the surface as I summoned all my strength and finally pushed away from him.
"You're a prick," I spat and kept walking in the direction of the music. The further I got down the steps, the more I could hear voices and the sounds of people having fun.
"Reya, what the hell?" Trev called, catching up and grabbing me by the arm.
"Leave me alone. I need a drink."
"Why are you so angry all of a sudden?"
At this I spun around to face him. "I'm angry because you just gave yourself away. All this time you've known I fancied you, yet you just kept stringing me along, giving me crumbs of friendship when you knew I liked you as more."
Trev swore under his breath. "It's more complicated than that."
I let out a joyless laugh. "Oh, sure."
Turning back around, I continued down the steps until I entered the platform. The place was packed with people, a makeshift bar set up at one end and a dancefloor at the other. Some people danced, while others stood around drinking and talking, or well, shouting to be heard.
Music blared loud from the speakers and determination formed within me. I had the power now. All those of years of sleeping around had finally jaded Trev to the point where he'd opened his eyes and seen what was right in front of him.
Well, I wasn't going to just roll over and let him have me, not after all the nights I spent nursing a broken heart and coming to terms with the fact that I just wasn't his type.
Tonight I was going to find a man and I was going to have sex with him. I was going to find a man who meant nothing to me, just like all those girls who Trev chose instead of me meant nothing to him. I was going to give him a taste of his own medicine.
I got a double vodka from the bar and knocked it back quickly, then asked for another. Across the way Trev moved through the crowd, his eyes on me. I looked away, swallowed down my second drink, then headed for the dancefloor. I lost myself amid the gyrating bodies, soon soliciting the attention of a tall blond guy. He danced beside me for a bit then placed his hands on my hips and we swayed together to the music.
Barely a second later someone caught my hand and tugged me away from the guy. I was vaguely aware of his complaints, but then Trev's scent invaded my senses and it was all I could focus on. God, why was everything about him so intoxicating?
The vodka hit me hard as he tugged me to a semi-private corner of the platform. When he stopped I looked up at him. I'd never seen him so conflicted. He looked hurt and somehow terrified, and in spite of my previous resolution, all I wanted to do was hug him and make him feel okay. I tried to tamp down the urge.
"What?" I said over the weight of the music.
He only stared at me, chewing his lip until it bled.
"Oh for God's sake, I'm going home."
I turned around but he grabbed me, wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my back flush with his front. He brought his mouth to my ear and shouted, "I have ADHD!"
I jolted at the confession, then frowned and twisted in his arms. What was I supposed to say to that? Trev tilted his head in the direction of the bathrooms and I followed him. It was quieter out there so we could talk more easily.
I studied him and he appeared uncharacteristically embarrassed. "Did you just say you have ADHD?"
He stared at the wall above my head. "You know how me and the boys were contacted to do that TV show?"
I nodded. Trev, alongside a few of his free-running buddies, had been trying for a TV deal for a while now. In fact, he'd had the idea since the very first time I met him. Recently, they'd caught the attention of a television executive with their Youtube videos. Now they were working out the logistics of filming a TV show, where they travelled around different cities pulling off parkour stunts. It still wasn't set in stone, but it was an exciting opportunity for him nonetheless. "Yeah, what about it?"
"Well, as part of the preliminaries we had to undergo a psych evaluation. You know, to make sure we're all psychologically stable enough to spend several months travelling around in a tour bus together. Turns out I've had undiagnosed ADHD from childhood and they want me to start taking medication for it."
"Oh, Trev," I breathed, shocked by the revelation. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was embarrassed. And I didn't want you to tell Karla, who would then tell Lee, and then everyone would just feel shitty about the fact that we were too poor growing up to realise I had this stupid condition the whole time. Lee would only beat himself up about it."
I reached out and gave his arm a squeeze. "Trev, you have to tell them. You can't just deal with this all on your own, and your family would want to help. I know they would."
He looked at me now. "Nah, they've got enough on their plates. The only reason I'm telling you is because I want you to understand my behaviour. I want you to know the reason I've never been able to let you in." He tapped his left temple. "I was fucked in the head."
I narrowed my gaze. "You weren't fucked in the head. Don't talk about yourself like that. You had a disorder, and if you hadn't had such a deprived childhood you would've been treated for it. It's not your fault, Trev."
I pulled him into a hug and he took it willingly. My mind swam with the news, so much about him suddenly making sense. His issues with self-control, his short attention span, his need for high-risk behaviour. All of it was down to this thing he had and never even knew about.
We stood there for a long time, and I felt like my telling him it wasn't his fault truly hit home. He'd needed someone to tell him that, and I was glad I got to be the person who did. His body practically melted into mine, and it was only when someone bumped into us that we pulled apart
"Oh, shit sorry," said the guy, beer sloshing out the top of his plastic cup.
I glanced up, about to tell him it was fine when my words fled me. It was _him_. The guy I'd had a one night stand with a couple months ago, the one who was practically Trev's twin. Oh God, could this night get any weirder?
"Reya! Hey, how are you?"
I felt Trev watching but couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze. "Vinnie, hi, fancy meeting you here."
"You two know each other?" Trev asked and I chanced a peek at him. He was looking Vinnie up and down, mostly homing in on his face and clearly noticing the similarities.
_Kill me now._
"Not really," I said, eyeing Vinnie firmly.
Unfortunately, he was very obviously drunk, which was why he answered so candidly. "You already forgotten how I fucked your brains out a couple months ago, Reya?"
Never more had I wished to be a tortoise, so I could crawl inside my shell and never come back out. Trev stiffened for a second then plastered a devil may care look on his face. "Oh yeah? Sounds like it wasn't so memorable for her. You must've been a shit lay, buddy."
Vinnie scowled. "Hey, fuck you."
"Christ, learn how to take a joke." Trev rolled his eyes.
Vinnie glanced between the two of us then started walking away. "Whatever. Not worth it."
As soon as he was gone Trev's attention landed on me and he had such a look of delight on his face I wanted to smack it right off.
"Not a word," I warned with a hard expression.
He bit his lip as a grin began to slowly shape its way across his mouth.
"I mean it, Trev," I went on, embarrassed down to my very bones. He knew. He knew I'd slept with Vinnie because he looked like _him_. It was written all over his smug as hell expression.
He opened his mouth but I spoke first. "No, I don't want to hear it, so whatever you have to say just keep it to yourself."
"But –"
"Trevor!"
"Reya, come on, he's the spitting image of me. We can't just not talk about it."
I turned away. "I'm going to get another drink."
Again he caught me, wrapping his arms around my waist just like before, only this time my skin tingled with awareness. "Okay, you win," he breathed. "We won't talk about it. Come dance with me."
Unable to resist, I let him lead me over to the dance floor, but he didn't release his grip the entire time. He kept his arms locked tight around my waist as we moved to the beat. At first his hands remained in place, but then as the music started to overtake us he flipped me around so my back was to his front again. His palm slid from my hip to my belly, lightly stroking and causing heat to spread over my entire body. The way he touched me felt intentional. It felt erotic, especially since we were surrounded by people. There was a certain anonymity to the moment. Nobody knew us here. We could do anything and only the two of us would ever know.
"You feel good," he shouted huskily in my ear.
I swayed my hips, my backside brushing against him and I knew as soon I felt the stiffness in his pants that he was hard. I sucked in a breath at the feel of him. He was aroused. He was aroused because of _me_. This whole night was starting to feel like a dream where I finally got everything I ever wanted. That everything being _Trevor_.
His hand on my stomach paused, and this time he pressed his palm into me, holding me back against his erection.
Oh, _God_.
He felt amazing. Instantly, my mind was awash with images of him taking me right there on the dancefloor, bending me over, pushing my dress up and plunging inside of me. I thought I heard him groan right before the music cut off and a few people started shouting. I craned my neck and saw several uniformed police entering the platform. _Crap_.
Without a word, Trev grabbed my hand and we both ran in the opposite direction. Sweat beaded on my skin and I felt like I was going to be trampled, or worse, crushed to death, as a stampede of drunk people fled the rave.
We were in the tunnel now, on the tracks, with flashlights shining behind us as the police chased us down. It got darker and darker the further we ran down the tracks, and I briefly prayed that the entire line was abandoned and out of use, because otherwise a train could come along at any second and we'd be toast.
My feet hurt. I wasn't wearing the right shoes for running on train tracks. I also tried wholeheartedly not to think about all the rats that inhabited the London Underground. I could see lights up ahead and knew we were approaching a functioning station. There were between fifty and a hundred of us, and those waiting around for the next train gasped in surprise when we all started climbing up onto the platform. Trev helped me to safety first, then hitched himself up onto the tiled surface.
My pulse was still going ninety when our eyes met. His were alight with adrenaline, while I was certain mine showed ebbing fear. Sure, if we'd been arrested maybe Karla could've gotten us out of it, but still. I didn't want to get a criminal record just for attending a rave. There were plenty of legal ones we could've gone to.
Trev took my hand again and we hurried out of the station. I slipped behind a man who'd just slotted his ticket through the machine and managed to get out without him noticing. Trev on the other hand, simply vaulted over the barrier like an Olympic athlete. Even after all this time, I still wasn't used to how athletically talented he was.
We were both quiet when we got onto the street, still trying to catch our breaths. It was almost one o'clock in the morning.
"That was a close call," I said finally.
Trev nodded. "I know. Sorry, by the way. I had no idea the coppers were gonna show up. Kind of put a dampener on the whole evening."
"Well, at least it was...an experience."
He glanced down at me, then at our intertwined hands, a thoughtful expression gracing his features. He made a low humming sound and started rubbing his thumb back and forth over the inside of my wrist. I tried not to show how it made me tremble. I was still amped up after how he'd touched me while we danced, after how _hard_ he'd been.
"Can I ask a question?"
I shrugged. "Okay..."
"Why did you pick that Vinnie guy to sleep with?"
I startled, hating that he was asking me this. Why couldn't he just let it go? "Oh Trev, come on, please, you promised we wouldn't discuss it."
"I can't help it. I need to know." He swung around to face me, stopping me in my tracks.
I huffed out an irritated breath. "You know already. Please don't make me say it. I'm mortified enough as it is."
He swept his hand down my cheek in an affectionate manner as I stared intently at the ground. "Reya, please."
I closed my eyes and whispered, "I slept with him because he reminded me of you."
I heard rather than saw the air escape him. It was just like... _whump_. Several moments passed and I was too scared to look him in the eye. In the end he changed the subject and relief flooded me.
"You mind if I sleep on your couch tonight? We're closer to your place than mine and I'm wrecked."
I nodded and chanced a nervous glance at him. "Sure. It's not like you haven't stayed over a million times before." It was true, he had stayed over countless times. The only difference was that this time he'd suggested we fuck mere hours earlier. It definitely added a whole new tension to the situation.
By the time we reached my flat I just wanted to flop down on my bed and go to sleep, but at the same time I was wired. Trev had barely taken his eyes off me since we left the station, and his attention made the tiny hairs on my arms stand on end.
"I'm going to take a shower. You can grab some extra pillows and a blanket from the cupboard," I said and dashed inside my tiny bathroom. The warm water helped to sooth me somewhat, but when I stepped out fully clothed in my pyjamas, Trev was lying on my bed, still wide awake.
His eyes were like laser beams.
I glanced at the couch and noticed he hadn't gotten the blanket and pillows I'd offered. I stood towelling dry my hair as his gaze travelled up and down my body. My legs were bare, and although my shorts weren't the skimpiest in the world, I still felt very naked.
"Nice jammies."
I rolled my eyes. "Shut up and get off my bed. I want to go to sleep."
"Come here for a sec," he whispered, his voice a husky rasp.
God give me the willpower to resist all the sex in his eyes.
I thought he'd dropped the subject, but he obviously hadn't. He still wanted to shag me. It was written all over his face. The question was, was I strong enough to resist?
"You're the most beautiful fucking woman I've ever known, do you know that?" he went on, eyes intent on me.
"That's The Zombie talking."
"No, it's not. Come here," he argued, reaching out and grabbing my hand. He pulled me down onto the bed so that my back was to his front, my body cradled between his thighs as he held me.
"T-trev –"
"Sing for me," he whispered, his hands running up and down my arms and leaving goose bumps in their wake.
"What?"
"Sing for me. I'm obsessed with your voice."
The low compliment made me shiver. I was sure he noticed how my skin was pebbling under his touch.
"What do you want me to sing?" I croaked.
"Anything."
I thought on it a second, then closed my eyes and quietly started humming the intro to "Strong" by London Grammar. I adored this song, probably because it had always reminded me of Trev. My voice filled the room and Trev kept touching me as I sang. I stammered a little when his hand moved to my inner thigh, caressing, stroking, making me burn. I was so aroused I felt like I might burst with it.
Trev seemed peaceful, his breathing deep and even, and I fell into the lyrics. As I was nearing the end of the song he flipped us, and suddenly I was beneath him.
"Open your eyes."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"You know why."
" _Please._ "
His _please_ was what did me in and I finally opened my eyes. I'd long since revealed all my demons to Trev, but it still cut me to the core to be reminded.
He tilted his head, never breaking eye contact as he started to move his hips. The warmth and understanding on his face made the momentary pain slide away, replaced with arousal. I hadn't put any underwear on beneath my PJs, and everything felt like too much and not enough. Just a few measly bits of fabric separated us and every single one of my senses were heightened.
"What would it be like..." Trev murmured ponderously, almost like he hadn't meant to say the words out loud.
I moaned when he pressed into me hard and it did something to him. He paused his movements and gripped my face. Time moved in slow motion when he took my mouth in a spine-tingling, bone-melting kiss. I was nothing but flesh and need when his tongue slid along mine and I opened for him. He grew frenzied when I kissed him back, his mouth and tongue and hands going everywhere.
"Trev..."
"I need you, Reya, just for tonight. Just give me tonight and then you can decide if you want to keep me."
His words made my heart clench. Decide if I wanted to keep him? Of course I wanted him. Some days it felt like he was all I'd ever wanted, even when I tried to deny it to myself.
"Okay. Tonight," I breathed and started tugging his shirt up over his head.
My sex throbbed when I took in the toned, cut lines of his chest and abs. I must've made some sort of horny noise, because he smirked as he grabbed my T-shirt and lifted it.
"My turn," he whispered and I felt self-conscious when my top was gone and I was only in my bra. I didn't have a flat stomach or a lady six-pack. I was soft and round, but I was feminine, and the men I'd been with in the past seemed to appreciate my body. Still, I was overtly aware of the fact that Trev didn't go for women with my body type. I wondered if he'd ever been with a woman like me before.
"Jesus Christ," he swore, his hands caressing the tops of my breasts.
He reached around and unhooked my bra at the back. It fell free and I'd never felt more self-conscious in my life.
"Ruined. You're going to ruin me for anyone else, Reya Cabrera."
He hovered over me now, his gaze devouring me as I held my breath. A gasp escaped me when he lowered his mouth to my nipple and sucked, a rough groan emanating from deep in his throat.
_Okay_ , so maybe he did like what he saw.
He lavished my breasts with attention as I gripped each of his shoulders. Then he looked up and a wicked grin shaped his mouth.
"Trevor," I breathed, almost in warning.
He continued making his way down my body, then hooked his fingers in the waistband of my shorts. With just a few deft movements, all my clothing was gone and I was bared to him. He licked me once and I let out a cry of pleasure. After so long as just friends, I was sure it'd feel obscene to be making these noises in front of him if I weren't so aroused. In that moment I didn't care about anything. I just wanted him to touch me, devour me, make me come.
He licked me again, this time with more pressure, and my thighs clamped around his shoulders.
"Ooooh," I moaned, hands going to my breasts as he continued to work me with his mouth.
I glanced down and saw him take his long, thick shaft in hand, jerking himself as he brought me to orgasm. The idea that he couldn't keep his hands from going there, that eating me out turned him on _that_ much, felt electrifying. He sucked on my clit, then went lower, his tongue slipping inside me for a second. It felt soft and wet and wonderful. He groaned and his jerking sped up when a tremble shattered through me. I was close. We both were.
I felt a wetness coat my thigh when he came, his body stilling as he groaned into my sex. He didn't stop tonguing me, and soon his fingers found my entrance. They plunged inside with a fierceness I'd never felt before, moving in and out in a frenzy. The noises he made felt like he was fucking me with more than just his fingers. He was so aroused, even though he'd just come.
My orgasm arrived hard and fast. Pleasure shattered through me as he gripped my hips, his tongue flittering against my clit in a way I was sure required expert training or some kind of natural skill.
"That was fucking beautiful," he rasped as I floated down from my high.
He pulled me into his arms, shifting us and tugging the duvet over our bodies. I wasn't sure why, maybe I was simply high off my orgasm, but I laughed.
"No," I declared. "It was fucking _epic_."
Trev laughed too and tightened his arms around me. I closed my eyes, letting the foreign sense of peace wash over me. I wasn't used to it, wasn't used to lying in bed with a man I had real, strong feelings for.
"Told you it would be," he replied, and even though my eyes were closed I could tell he was grinning.
I had no idea what the morning would bring, no idea what trials and tribulations might be ahead of us, but for now I was just going to enjoy the moment. I was going to savour the connection I had with this strange, beautiful, flawed, unpredictable man.
And deep in my heart I knew this was a night I wouldn't soon forget.
**END.**
# Hearts on Air
### The Heart Series #6
By L.H. Cosway
# Preface
_D ear readers,_
_Too often we listen to songs and never know the stories behind them._
_This is the story of a song._
_Happiness is the glint in your eye._
_It's the touch of your hand._
_It's the butterfly wings_
_beating inside my chest._
_And just like all these things,_
_It's fleeting, passing, passed._
Queenie, "Hi Happiness. Goodbye."
# Prologue
_2 years ago._
I woke up to the sound of a phone ringing.
Trev's bare chest was glued to my back, his arms wrapped tight around me. He was still sleeping but the noise soon woke him, too. He stirred and shifted, reaching past me to grab his phone on my dresser. I feigned unconsciousness as he answered, his voice husky from sleep.
"Yeah?"
"Fuck off."
"Fuck _. Off_."
"No bloody way, you're lying. Are you shitting me right now?"
He jumped out of bed and began frantically pacing the room. At this I moved to sit up. I was sure my hair was a mess and my makeup smudged halfway down my face. What happened between us last night still felt slightly unreal. I'd done things with my best friend, not sex, but sexual _things_.
My heart fluttered in my chest as I drew the blanket tight around me. Outside, the pitter-patter of morning rain beat softly against the window. There was excitement in my belly, but something else, too. Self-consciousness. Trev had been oh-so romantic last night, telling me how beautiful I was, how much he wanted me, how I got to choose what happened between us from that moment on. I wondered if he still felt the same in the cold light of day.
He turned as he paced, his eyes coming to mine. They were bright, full of promise and possibility. He looked at me like I was his every dream come true, and my worries momentarily dissipated.
"Okay, I'll be there in an hour. See you then," he said and hung up. He ran a hand down his face and blinked a few times as though trying to make sense of everything. He jumped onto the bed and grabbed me by the shoulders.
"You're not going to believe this," he exclaimed, every part of him shimmering with unspent energy.
"What? What?" I asked, nervous despite his giant smile.
"Our show's just been given the green light."
I gaped, unsure how to respond. Several weeks ago, Trev had been contacted by a TV exec interested in making a reality show about him and his free-running group. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. We're going to be on TV," he practically yelled, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Trev had courted a television deal for years, but it always felt like a pipe dream.
Pride and happiness surged inside me as I dove forward and pulled him into a hug. "Oh my goodness, Trev, this is huge. I'm so happy for you."
"I feel like I'm dreaming," he whispered and squeezed me tight.
"Well, you're not. It's real," I whispered back.
My heart filled with pride for him, while at the same time a slow and insidious thought crept into my head. Trev hadn't been looking at _me_ like I was his dream come true. His dream had been coming true over the phone; I just happened to be in the room while it was happening. This was a big day for him, and in spite of what happened between us last night—despite my joy and feeling as though _our_ time had finally come—my reaction needed to be as his best friend. My best friend was going to be on TV.
Trev pressed a kiss to my lips and climbed off the bed again. He started pulling his clothes on as he said, "I've got to meet the lads down at Channel 4, but can we get together for lunch?"
I nodded. "Of course. Go." Channel 4. Wow. This really was big.
Once he was finished dressing, he came forward and caressed my cheek, then pressed another light kiss to my lips. "Last night was amazing. You're amazing. I'll see you later."
"Yeah, see you later," I breathed as he disappeared out the door.
I flopped back into my pillows and stared at the ceiling. Things were happening for Trev. Exciting things. I tried to imagine what that would look like for us, for our fledgling relationship. I could be his rock, the person who grounded him when life became too stressful. I wouldn't weigh him down, but I'd be on hand when he needed support. I'd perfect the art of being the loving girlfriend without trying to sponge off his success.
I would be the soft pillow under his head if things ever became rocky.
I nodded in an effort to convince myself it would be easy, a piece of cake, and yet still, I had that distinct, unsettling, dreadful feeling that despite our best efforts to make this work, the world was going to tear Trev and I apart.
And there was nothing either one of us could do to stop it.
_Give me the one from the top shelf._
_This pain needs something expensive._
_'Cos my heart is so cheap._
_Got a few coins?_
_Anyone could buy it._
Queenie, "Top Shelf Bottom Love"
# One.
### Present Day.
Remember that song "Like a G6"?
Well, every time I caught a glimpse of Trev's life these days that's what I heard in my head.
_Excess._
_Wealth._
_Youthful folly._
Fuck yes, I was jealous, but I'd never admit it. Besides, my jealousy was far outweighed by my heartbreak. You'd think after all this time I'd be over him, and for a while I thought I was—emphasis on _thought_. I wasn't. Men like Trevor Cross came around once in a lifetime. _I'd had my one time._ I knew that even if I found love again, it would never come close to living up to what I had for a brief second before it was snatched away.
Two years ago, we'd made the tentative first steps towards being together, but then his television opportunity came along and after a few months it felt as though we were strangers. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. Or maybe he didn't. Nevertheless, there were too many other things in the mix, and our romance flickered out. It didn't fail epically, with tears and fights and drama, but in the most un-epic way possible. Distance and fame drove a wedge between us, and sadly, I didn't have the confidence it would take to stake a claim.
He was his show and his show was him. I was so proud of all he had achieved, and given his impoverished childhood, I knew how important money and success were. I knew he needed it to feel safe and in control. But still, I truly missed my best friend and wished we could've found a way to make it work.
I stared at him on the TV above the restaurant's bar. Seriously, it had to be some kind of sick torture for him to get this much airtime. I was waiting for Karla and Lee. We'd arranged to get a lunchtime drink and a bite to eat, have a catch-up. And there was Trev on the flat-screen, lounging casually on a sofa, while he and his fellow _Running on Air_ stars were interviewed by a perky blonde presenter.
It was a repeat I'd seen before, but I still couldn't help watching. The interview cut to some footage of the show, with Trev standing atop an old red public phone booth. People passing by on the street eyed him curiously, wondering why this nut job had climbed on top of a phone booth, of all things. Trev's face split in a wicked smile before he backflipped about eight feet to the ground. The show cut back to the interview, as the presenter asked another question. His voice always drew me in. I pulled out my phone and jotted down some lyrics.
_Your face on every screen._
_A mirror. A reminder._
_Keep smiling._
_Keep charming._
_Your eyes are so disarming._
I continued tapping down lyrics until the stool on the other side of the table moved and I glanced up. Karla and Lee stood before me. I smiled. It had been at least a fortnight since I'd seen them last. Too long.
"Hey, you two," I said, standing to give my friend a hug.
"Reya, you look amazing. Have you lost weight?" Karla asked cheerfully, but it sounded forced. Weird.
I gave her a look. "A little, though it's mostly down to stress."
She frowned. "Lexie told me about the club closing down. That sucks."
"I know, but I'll find something else. Hi, Lee."
"Hey babe, good to see you," he said, and I gave him a quick hug, too. It was just as I pulled away that I saw a familiar form behind him and time stood still. My heart thumped once, hard and loud, and my throat ran dry.
_Trevor_.
Now I understood Karla's forced cheer. I sucked in a surprised breath as my gaze travelled from his mid-section to his face. He smiled so wide it practically lit up the room. That smile hit me like a wallop.
_What the hell was he doing here?_
_And why was he smiling at me like I hung the moon and stars?_
Every pore in my body tightened with awareness. My throat constricted. My lungs filled with too much air. For two whole years our paths had avoided crossing and now here he was. My heart felt like it was going into cardiac arrest just looking at him.
_Get it together, biotch._
I inhaled deeply and plastered on an _I couldn't care less about your unexpected appearance_ smile.
"Trev, long time."
"Too long," he replied. "Hello, Reya."
There was something different in his voice, a husky maturity. Sure, I'd heard it on TV, but it was different in person. It sounded like . . . I dunno, manliness.
"Hey," I breathed.
A prolonged moment elapsed and we just . . . stared at each other. It was supremely awkward on my end but he seemed frustratingly at ease. I blinked and looked away when Lee cleared his throat.
"We gonna get some grub, or what? I'm starving."
I turned and moved to retake my seat when Trev spoke, "What? I don't get a hug?"
There was tense silence as I narrowed my gaze at him. His expression was open and friendly, which made it difficult to stay irritated by his random appearance. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that the key goal here was to act casual. I could have a nice, private freak-out as soon as I got home. But for now, I had to be cool.
I arched an eyebrow. "No, you don't."
"Ouch, cold," said Lee with a smirk aimed at his brother.
Trev stared at me intensely. I swallowed. Then he surprised the bejeezus out of me when he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms anyway. I inhaled sharply and Karla shot me an apologetic look. This whole thing must've been sprung on her without warning, because she knew how I felt about Trev. She would've given me a heads-up if she'd had time. I sent her a look that said _don't worry about it_ , then returned my attention to the fact that Trev was still hugging me.
Good. Lord. His smell.
He smelled like home.
He embraced me like _love_.
But no, that was all in my head. It was my hormones playing tricks on me. _They_ always led me astray when it came to him. I slowly drew away and went to take my seat. I glanced at Trev when he didn't join us at the table, and instead stood in place. I saw a brief conflicted look cross his features before he schooled his expression and took the seat next to mine.
_Guh_. Why did he have to sit so close? And why on earth was he even here? Shouldn't he be signing some random fan's boobs, or, I don't know, making a bet that he can jump off a ten-story building without breaking any bones? Back when we were best friends he'd always been somewhat unpredictable, but from what I'd seen on the show his wildness had only increased.
"So, what's good here?" he asked.
I stayed quiet and let Lee answer. Perhaps it was best to interact with him as little as possible. That way he couldn't steal anything like he always did.
My affection.
My smiles.
My _heart_.
"The chicken's my favourite. Though I do like their steaks, too," said Lee.
I glanced across the table at Karla and we conducted a silent conversation.
_I'm sorry he's here._
_Don't be._
_I wish I'd had time to warn you._
_I know._
"I think I'll go with the steak," said Trev before angling his body towards me. "So, Reya, how've you been?"
I lifted a shoulder. "Good. Fine."
Trev opened his mouth to say something when the waiter showed up to take our orders. I fixedly ignored his attention while I asked for the chicken parmesan and another glass of wine. I definitely needed it.
"How are Sophie and the kids?" I asked Karla and Lee. "I need to stop by and pay a visit soon."
"They're great. It was Billie's birthday last week, so we threw her a little party at the house," said Karla.
I frowned. "I'm sorry I missed it. I'll have to get her a belated gift."
"Don't bother. She's already got a mountain of stuff," Lee put in. "The kid'll be spoiled if you give her anything else."
"What's this about a club closing down?" Trev asked randomly and I had no other choice but to address him. Just my luck he heard Karla mention it when they arrived.
I coughed to clear my throat. "I've had a residency at Club Echo for the last year but they're going out of business. It made up a lot of my work hours, so I need to start looking for somewhere else to play."
"That's shit. You don't busk anymore?"
"Not as often as I used to."
His brows drew together. "Why not?"
"Quit interrogating her, Trev," said Lee, a hint of warning in his voice. He knew of our history, too, but I wasn't sure how much about my personal feelings Karla had disclosed.
"Yeah," said Karla. "We should all be interrogating you anyway. What's happening with _Running on Air_? I saw on the entertainment news that a third season was still yet to be confirmed."
"It's happening. They'll be announcing it soon. We actually start recording new episodes in two weeks. There was a bit of a bust-up between Callum and Leanne, nothing new there, but they've made a truce now so everything's back on track."
"I love Leanne," said Karla, smiling. "No offence but she's my favourite. And whenever she and Callum have scenes together I literally can't take my eyes off the telly."
Trev narrowed his gaze playfully. "You can't say that. Only I can be your favourite. I'm family."
"But Leanne is so cool. If I could pick any other woman in the world to be it'd be her."
Trev brought a hand to his chest. "You wound me, sis."
"Your ego is well-established. You'll get over it," said Lee, as the waiter returned and set our drinks in front of us.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm a self-absorbed arsehole etcetera, etcetera," Trev deadpanned, his attention returning to me. "Do you watch the show, Reya?"
I took a sip of my wine before answering. "Sometimes." Every. Single. Episode.
"Got a favourite out of the group?"
"Hmm, probably Paul. He's a sweetheart," I said, and Trev's expression fell flat for the tiniest second. If I blinked I would've missed it. Had he thought I was going to say him? I wasn't even lying. Paul was the youngest of the group, but he was also the most genuine, in my opinion. He wore his heart on his sleeve and whenever he had a girlfriend, he treated her like a princess. No, a queen. I wasn't sure I'd ever find a man as good and as kind as Paul.
"Never knew you had a thing for the gingers," Trev teased, his previous disappointment gone completely, the mask back in place.
Lee shot me a wink. "That's something we have in common."
Karla nudged him with her elbow and rolled her eyes.
"What?" He grinned. "We both know your hair's the first thing I noticed."
She shook her head and focused her attention back on Trev. "What was the bust-up between Callum and Leanne about this time? I swear I'm going to die if they don't get together soon."
I wasn't surprised by her fishing. Karla had been addicted to the show since the very first episode, obsessed with the dynamic between the five main stars. I was, too, of course, but I'd never admit it. And Callum and Leanne had this whole love/hate thing going on since the beginning. It was kind of hard not to be obsessed with them. Half the time you wanted them to kiss and the other half you wished Leanne would give Callum the slap he deserved.
He was the bad boy with a heart of black. The one we all loved to hate.
Trev ran a hand down his face and let out a sigh. "I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. Let's just say, not everything between them is televised and their relationship has been pretty fraught."
"Oh, come on now. You can't just say something like that and not elaborate," Karla complained. "I won't sleep tonight unless you tell me everything."
Lee and I eyed each other with similar expressions of amusement. This sort of fangirling was just so out of character for her, but when it came to _Running on Air_ she was OBSESSED. It was sort of adorable considering she spent her days as a no-nonsense police sergeant.
Trev held his hands in the air. "Sorry, sis, but that's not my story to tell."
Karla folded her arms and huffed irritably. "Ugh, you're so unfair."
"You'll live," said Trev, amused.
"You have to at least give me something," she hedged.
Trev let out a sigh and his expression sobered as he levelled her with a serious look.
"I know I shouldn't be bad-mouthing him, but when it comes to Leanne, Callum's got his head shoved so far up his arse he can't see the wood for the trees." A pause as he softly continued, "I've been there."
When he turned to face me, his eyes were intense. I had a hard time finding my voice.
_Was he referring to us?_
"I thought you and he were quite close," I said, unable to hold back my curiosity.
"We are. That doesn't mean I can't see when my mate's being an arse."
"He does come across very full of himself. Then again, so do you at times," Karla commented.
"Shit, thanks." Trev chuckled, his mood lightening somewhat.
She narrowed her eyes and smiled. "You know what I mean."
Karla was right, though. Trev and Callum were the two strongest characters in the show, and both had very high opinions of themselves. They were the ones all the female fans adored. Leanne was the cool, badass girl of the group. Paul was the baby. James was the father figure, the oldest and most responsible, and the one who kept them all in line, when that was actually possible.
"So where are you filming the next episodes?" Lee asked lifting his pint.
Trev glanced over his shoulder, probably to check if anyone nearby was listening, but the place wasn't too packed and the tables on either side of us were empty. "We're doing Europe this time. The idea is for the five of us to Interrail across a few countries and perform stunts in the major cities."
"Wow, that sounds exciting," said Karla, her eyes alight with interest.
"Yeah, it feels like we've exhausted most places around the U.K. so it'll be good to have a bit of a change. We start in Brussels, then Paris, Bordeaux, Madrid, and the last episodes will be in Barcelona."
"Sounds like you'll have a ball of a time," said Lee.
It really did, and I couldn't help feeling envious. Just a tad. Here was Trev, only a year older than me, and he had the world at his feet. And there was me, still working the same old club gigs and giving the same old piano lessons to ten-year-olds.
"It must be pretty pricey to film in all those locations and put the whole cast and crew up in hotels," I commented.
Trev's attention came to me, his elbow knocking off mine for a second. I moved my arm closer to my body to avoid any further collisions.
"Yeah, but the first two seasons did so well that they upped our budget. And we're not staying in hotels, mostly self-catering apartments."
"All five of you will be staying in one apartment?" asked Karla. "Now this I have to see."
Trev shot her a grin. "It's gonna be interesting all right."
"There'll be drama, I just know it," my best friend went on.
Trev chuckled. "Probably, but I'm staying out of it. I've enjoyed reacquainting myself with a drama-free life since I broke up with Nicole."
"Hey, you were asking for it with that one," said Lee. "I knew she was nuts as soon as I clapped eyes on her."
Trev and his girlfriend had broken up? That was news to me. Then again, it was news that he'd even had a girlfriend. They always portrayed him as single on the show, but maybe that was to keep the fans' interest up. How long had they been together? _If Lee knew, did Karla know too?_
It actually stung a little to think that Karla had intentionally kept that from me, but I wouldn't hold it against her. It would only be to protect my heart, as was her way, something I loved and appreciated about her. What hurt the most though? During our friendship, I'd never known Trev to hold down a relationship longer than three or four months. Before he had _that_ phone call two years ago, he had wanted _us_ to be more. But then, I became invisible to him. He'd pursued me, but when there were other offers on the table—no doubt, so readily—I was forgotten.
"Yeah well, I learned my lesson the hard way," said Trev, his voice pulling me from my meandering, depressing thoughts.
A moment of silence fell, and again I wondered about this girlfriend. What had she done that he'd learned a lesson? My curiosity and the fact that I couldn't voice it was maddening.
The waiter came with our food and we continued chatting as we ate. We didn't discuss anything more about Trev's personal life, much to my disappointment. I shouldn't have been disappointed, of course. I shouldn't have wanted to know anything about him at all. But I was often prone to wanting things that were bad for me, which was the story of my life really.
At the end of lunch, Trev offered to pay the bill. He and Lee argued over it for a couple minutes, but he won in the end. I wanted to say I could pay for my own, but I was still a little muddled over his presence. I didn't want to argue with him. I just wanted to get home so I could have that private freak-out session I'd promised myself.
"It was great seeing you," said Karla as we hugged outside the restaurant. "Are you still coming over on Tuesday night?"
"I wouldn't miss it," I said and turned to say goodbye to Lee.
When I glanced at Trev he was staring at me thoughtfully. It was difficult reconciling this new, more sedate version of him with the wild, carefree boy I used to know so well. He'd changed, and as much as I tried to resist, I was curious.
"You walking home?" he asked. Karla and Lee had already started to leave. I felt trapped.
"Yes."
"Let me walk you."
I shook my head. "That's not necessary."
His gaze sharpened. "I want to."
"Trev, are you coming, or what?" Lee called from a little way down the street.
"Nah, I'm walking Reya home. I'll see you back at the house."
Lee nodded and Karla sent me yet another apologetic look. She knew I wouldn't want this. What she didn't know was that a part of me did. An idiotic, masochistic part of me.
"Okay, but it's not far," I said and started walking. Trev fell into stride next to me.
"You still living in the same flat as before?"
"Yep."
"But you always hated it there," he said, studying my profile.
I stared straight ahead and let out a joyless laugh. "Yeah well, sometimes we have to take what we can get." I paused to shoot him a wry look. "Not everyone has TV money."
"I didn't mean it like that." He swore under his breath. "Christ, I'm fucking this all up. I'm just trying to get a fix on what your life's like now. Karla won't tell me anything when it comes to you."
I was relieved to hear that, but then again, she was one of the people in my life I trusted. "Maybe that's because there isn't much to tell. A lot might've happened for you in two years, Trev, but that's not the case for most of us. My life is pretty much the same as it was before, with just a few small adjustments here and there."
"Such as?" he probed and I started to grow uncomfortable with how closely he regarded me. It felt like I was under a microscope.
"Well, like I said, I don't really busk anymore. I prefer to play the clubs, less arseholes shouting insults and all that. I discovered that I'm allergic to strawberries, so I don't eat those anymore. Oh, and I switched my phone service provider from BT to Three. So, you know, I'm basically a whole other person now."
The edges of Trev's mouth curved in a smile. "You're fooling no one, Reya Cabrera. I bet you've had a lot more exciting things happen, you just don't want to tell me, and that's fair enough. You don't trust me. How things ended between us . . . I hate myself for it every day."
I eyed him suspiciously, because I found it a little hard to believe that. If he hated it all so much then why hadn't he tried to make amends in the two years we'd been apart?
"Look, let's not get into that," I said, dismissive.
"I want to apologise."
"There's really no need."
"I said I want to, Reya."
"Trev, you really don't have to. Please. It's in the past. We've both moved on with our lives. I don't eat strawberries anymore, and you, well, you—"
"I," Trev started, "am in therapy like I should've been years ago."
I stopped walking and turned to face him. "You are?"
He exhaled heavily. "I am."
"How long?"
He started counting fingers. "Six months, give or take."
I blew out a breath. "Wow."
His expression intensified. "It's been . . . a learning curve."
I nodded and stared at him, my mind wandering. Two years ago, he'd confessed to me that he had ADHD and that he was going to start treatment. It had gone undiagnosed for years. My heart hurt for him at the time, and I remembered the feeling. Starting treatment didn't exactly pan out like he'd planned, but I couldn't blame him. He'd been handed way too many things at once, and sometimes adults could be spoiled just the same as children.
Trev's gaze wandered from my eyes, down my nose to rest on my lips. Cold air kissed my neck and I shivered, though more from the way he was looking at me. Suddenly, I was transported back to another time when he'd looked at me that way . . .
# Two.
### Past.
I was drunk.
That's what happened when there was free booze doing the rounds. I was at a party to celebrate Trev's TV show getting the green light, and had just taken a step outside to get some air. I could barely get a moment alone with my friend . . . boyfriend? I still wasn't too sure what exactly was going on with us.
_It wasn't like we had any time to talk_ , I thought bitterly.
Ever since he received that phone call a few days ago he'd been swept up in an impenetrable whirlwind. He had to cancel our lunch plans, and this party was the first time I clapped eyes on him since. Friends and industry people surrounded him, so I decided I'd entertain myself. Things would calm down soon enough.
I hoped.
I stood by a wall in the busy smoking area just as a voice whispered from behind. "Fuck, I missed you."
Familiar arms wrapped around me and I turned to stare up at him. "Who died and made you Justin Bieber?" He chuckled as I went on, "And I missed you, too, by the way."
Trev smirked and it did something to my downstairs. "You're drunk."
"That's what happens when all I've got is Prosecco to keep me company," I said and fiddled with his collar. "Everyone wants a piece of you." I pouted. Pouting is not something I'd be seen dead doing if I weren't intoxicated, just FYI.
"It'll cool off," Trev murmured as he backed me up into the wall.
I lifted a brow. "Will it though?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't it?"
"You don't see yourself like I do," I said. "Once you're on TV, other people are going to see it, too. You're going to become hugely famous, Trev. It'll be even worse."
"It won't. I'll make sure of it," he said firmly.
I wanted to believe him, really, I did. But the feverish excitement in his eyes said otherwise. He loved this, loved the attention. Being the belle of the ball was what Trev lived for, and I couldn't tell if it was a symptom of his condition or just a part of his personality.
"Promise?"
"I promise," he whispered as his hands drifted down to cup my arse. His voice was still low as he went on. "I'm going to fuck you _so hard_."
My thighs clenched instinctively at his carnal promise. Him speaking to me so explicitly was very new, and it had a heady effect. I was under his spell, so much so I didn't even bother looking around to see if anyone was eavesdropping.
"Do it then," I goaded, staring him dead in the eyes.
His hands wandered lower, dipping beneath the hem of my mini-dress to dance along my thighs. I swallowed tightly, arousal swarming me, and dared him with my gaze. He accepted the challenge and a second later his fingers were inside my underwear, trailing along my wetness.
"Christ." Trev dropped his face to the crook of my neck. "You're not going to remember your own name once I'm done with you," he warned and then his hand was gone. He fixed my dress back into place before anyone noticed and took a step away. "Give me thirty minutes to finish schmoozing then we'll head to yours, yeah?" His voice was husky.
I blushed and looked at him from beneath my lashes. "Okay."
"I want to kiss you so badly, but I know if I do I won't stop," he said, stepping away all the while. I nodded and he slipped back inside the club. I slumped down onto a bench and accepted a cigarette from one of the other partygoers. I wasn't a smoker, but I lit up anyway. I needed something to take the edge off my arousal. Though why I thought nicotine had that ability, I couldn't tell you.
Thirty minutes passed but Trev didn't resurface. After more than an hour I wandered around the club searching for him. I eventually found him at a booth surrounded by fancily dressed people. TV people, therefore strangers to me. _But new admirers to him._ When I managed to catch Trev's eye he at least had the decency to look apologetic.
I'd sobered up a bit and was feeling tired, so I pulled out my phone and shot off a text.
_Reya: Let's take a rain check, okay? I'll come see you tomorrow. Gonna head home now._
I was already in a taxi by the time he texted back.
_Trevor: I'm so fucking sorry, Reyrey. I'll make this up to you. I mean it._
I didn't bother replying because I knew he was swamped. I'd see him tomorrow and everything would be different.
Yes, tomorrow everything would be . . . different.
# Three.
"If I could go back, there's so much I'd change."
We were just down the street from my flat. I should tell Trev goodbye, say it was nice to see him, even though it had been anything but. It was confusing and painful, and most concerning, thrilling.
"You don't need to say that. Whatever happened was meant to be. We were never supposed to work out, and that's all there is to it," I said and watched his features turn to stone. He looked like he didn't agree and his jaw ticked.
I started to walk again and he followed. We'd just reached my building when he asked, "Have you been seeing anyone?"
The question made my heart burn and my palms grow sweaty. "There was someone but . . ."
His head tilted eagerly. "But?"
"He ended it," I answered, not bothering to lie.
"Dumb bastard."
I laughed softly. "He was actually pretty clever, worked as an archivist in Westminster."
"Smart people can be dumb, too, you know," said Trev.
I put my hand on the gate and bent my neck to look at him. "True, but that wasn't the case with David. He was clever in every way. I just couldn't seem to give him what he wanted." I trailed off because I was revealing far too much. _What are you doing, Reya?_
"What did he want?" Trev seemed fascinated.
"What do we all want?" I asked back. "Love."
"You didn't love him?"
I shook my head. "I wanted to."
"Did he love you?"
"He said he did, but I dunno. It never really felt right with him." I sighed and opened my gate. I needed to end this conversation. "Back to the drawing board I guess. It was good seeing you today. I hope everything goes well with the filming."
"Saying goodbye already?"
Turning back, I recognised that old glint in his eye. Sometimes I wondered if he even realised he was using it. It was the one that always got him whatever he wanted, but it wouldn't work on me. Not today. Not anymore.
"I'm afraid so. I have a lesson in an hour and there's a stack of laundry I need to deal with before I go."
Trev stared me down as though trying to figure out if I was lying. I wasn't, but even if I had a free day ahead of me I wouldn't have invited him in. My flat was tiny and being in such a tight space would only heighten the unwelcome feelings I was having. He studied me for so long I thought he might've been magically frozen in place.
He swallowed and glanced away for a second. Several thoughts passed over his face before he spoke. "Okay, can we arrange to meet up tomorrow then?"
I arched an eyebrow. "Why?"
His expression was very open. "Because I'd like to see you again."
I studied him, trying to figure out what his game was. If there was a game at all. Maybe he really did just want to see me. He had always enjoyed my company, after all, and vice versa. Still, I swallowed and met his gaze as I replied steadily, "I'm busy tomorrow, too."
There was brief flash of unhappiness in his eyes at my answer. A conflict warred just beneath the surface, and I got the sense he was going to argue with me. But then, as though he'd mentally tamped down the urge, he said, "All right, well, maybe I'll catch you around."
I nodded and turned to walk inside. His words stopped me.
"You look beautiful, by the way."
I didn't move.
"I've been wanting to say that since I saw you at the restaurant."
I still didn't move or turn to face him and he let out a long sigh. "I guess I deserve this."
I couldn't take any more so I simply slotted my key in the door. It wasn't until I was safe inside my flat that I let myself cry. My skin felt cold and hot all at once, and my pores beaded with goose pimples. _I ached._ I realised with stark clarity how much I still felt for him. This was bad. It was worse than bad. It was dangerous. Because if he pushed even a tiny bit more, my defences would crack. He'd manoeuvre his way back into my life, and I'd repeat the cycle of falling for him and being devastated all over again.
I started on my dirty laundry but let a bunch of clothes fall to the floor as lyrics flooded my head. I fumbled for a pen and paper and began scribbling them down before I forgot.
_You come back_
_My back is up_
_You try to open the door_
_I slam it shut_
_You look at me like you used to_
_But it's not really the same_
_You're different, changed_
_And despite all my strength_
_I want to know why_
_I want to open the door_
I put the pen down and bit my lip. The words that spilled out worried me, because often my subconscious knew more than my conscious mind. I was like a dog who got kicked over and over again, but my heart was too fickle to remember how bad it hurt, so I came running back every time, tongue out, tail wagging.
Two days went by and to my relief I didn't see Trev again. Tuesday I was getting ready for my girls' night over at Karla's. I worried that he might be there, but reminded myself he lived in a swanky penthouse by the Thames nowadays. It was unlikely he'd be at Casa Cross.
I put on some comfy grey leggings, a purple camisole, and a long, knit cardigan. I also wore my UGGS, well, my imitation UGGS, because those shoes were expensive. Still, even though they were fakes they were still the most comfortable shoes I owned. If somebody makes it so I can get away with wearing slippers outdoors, I'm all for that shit.
I took the tube to Hackney and arrived at Karla's at seven thirty, a plastic shopping bag on my arm with wine and chocolate, because _of course_. Alexis and Karla answered the door looking like they'd already had a few.
"Reya, c'mere. Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Alexis crooned as she pulled me into a hug.
I chuckled and drew away. "No, but feel free."
"Well, I do. I love all of you," she went on tipsily, with a dramatic hand gesture.
Karla laughed. She wasn't nearly as merry as Alexis, not yet.
"This is her first night out of the house in two months," she explained.
"Yes, and I'm making the most of it," Alexis added. She had a young son who took up the majority of her time, so I didn't blame her for wanting to let loose. Her partner, King, must've been taking care of little Oliver tonight.
They led me inside the living room where Trev's cousin, Sophie, and Andie, his brother Stu's partner, sat with glasses of wine in hand. Everybody was well ahead of me.
"Hi, ladies," I greeted as I handed my bag off to Karla. "More supplies."
She nodded happily and I took a seat beside Andie on the couch. Somebody had put on a DVD of _Vikings_ —for obvious reasons. I was a big fan of the show because I liked my mythology with a side of hairy, muscled plunderers.
"I'm sorry about the other day," said Karla, sitting on the armchair by the window. "I haven't had the chance to apologise yet, but I promise I never planned for Trev to horn in on our lunch. He just showed up and as soon as Lee mentioned we were going to meet you, he wouldn't take no for an answer.
I brushed her off. "It's fine. I know what he's like. Don't worry about it."
"You haven't seen him in a long while, right?" said Andie, her kind brown eyes landing on me.
"Nope. Not for almost two years. It was . . . weird," I admitted. _It nearly shattered me._
"I'll bet," said Alexis. "Little bastard should've known better than to ambush you like that."
"Hey!" Karla protested. "That's my kid brother-in-law you're talking about."
"Yes, and you know as well as I do how poorly he treated Reya. She was his best friend for years. Then as soon as he gets a bit of fame he dropped her like a hot potato."
That familiar burn in my chest assaulted me. I knew Alexis was tipsy and simply speaking her mind, but it still hurt to be reminded.
"He didn't drop her. They both decided to end things," Karla corrected her.
"Is that true?" Andie asked, her voice soft. Obviously, she was the one with the most tact.
I rubbed my chest as I spoke. "Yes. Well, kind of. I hardly ever got to see him and it just wasn't working out, so I suggested we call it a day."
"You suggested it?" Alexis exclaimed. "I didn't know that."
"That's because it's none of your business," said Karla.
"So tell me," she went on, making a sweeping hand gesture.
Karla shot her a hard look but strangely I didn't mind talking about it. The past two days I'd been a bubbling pot of unresolved feelings and I wanted to get them out. That was often the drawback of living alone. There was no one to vent to.
"You probably know by now that Trev has ADHD," I started. He'd been resistant to telling his family at first, but like most things, it all eventually came out. "It was undiagnosed for a long time, because well, you know how things were for the family growing up." I paused and shared a look with Sophie, but she didn't seem offended by me mentioning her childhood. Trev and his brothers, alongside Sophie, had managed to evade social services as kids and instead found a way to survive on their own. That way involved stealing cars and working for a dangerous criminal, but that was a story for another day.
Concentrating back on the topic at hand, I continued, "It's why he's always been such a livewire, hard to pin down. He found out around the time he got offered to do the show, and he'd planned on starting treatment but . . . it didn't work out so well."
"Why not?" Alexis asked, frowning.
I exhaled a long breath. Karla and Sophie were already aware of Trev's situation, but it was news to Alexis and Andie. "Well, he started taking medication and seeing a therapist, but he hated how the pills made him feel. After a couple of weeks, he stopped taking them completely. Everyone he worked with turned a blind eye because when Trev's on a high it makes for great TV. I'm sure all of you know how captivating he is to watch." I paused and took a sip of the wine Karla poured for me. "Anyway, he might as well have been living on another planet back then. I couldn't keep up. It only hurt to be with him but never truly have him, you know? So I decided it was best to end it."
"And how did Trevor feel about that?" Andie questioned.
I swallowed. "He got angry but I think he knew it was never going to work. I think he loved his new life too much to sacrifice any of it for me."
A silence fell. Sophie was the one to break it when she said, "My cousin's a twat."
"He wasn't well," said Karla, ever the mother of the group. "You know that, Sophie. He's getting better now."
What she said piqued my interest. "Is he?" I asked.
Her eyes came to me. "Yes, he's been adamant about making a change. I've never seen him so determined. There's a new maturity to him. I'm sure you noticed it at lunch."
"I did. I guess I've been wondering if it's real."
"It's real, hon. I didn't tell you because I know you don't like talking about him, but he had a very hard time of it last year. Everything got out of control. He realised he couldn't keep living how he was."
"What happened?" Alexis enquired, and I was glad she asked. I was dying to know and wondered if it had something to do with his mysterious girlfriend, Nicole.
Karla's mouth formed a tight line. "That's not my story to tell."
Great, now she was keeping schtum. The more I discovered about Trev and the changes he was making, the more I wanted to know. And wanting to know stuff about Trevor Cross was a recipe for trouble.
"How about we crack open the nail polish?" Sophie suggested. "I'm in the mood for some hot pink, who wants to do mine?"
"I will," I volunteered, glad for the distraction. Two hours and four bottles of wine later we were all merry and talking boisterously about which Viking we'd like to . . . see more of. It was only when I heard the front door open that I snapped into alertness. My nails were painted a shade titled 'Mango Madness' and it seemed apt for how I felt when Lee, Stu and Trev walked into the living room.
"This place smells like booze and acetone. You ladies sure know how to party," Lee commented with a wry grin.
I sat up straight and my eyes connected with Trev's almost instantly. He stood by the door, his attention leisurely moving over my form before returning to my face. He gave a nod of acknowledgment, but I didn't return it. Couldn't. I hadn't expected him to show up, and now I was far too tipsy to deal with his presence in a ladylike fashion.
Stu sat down next to Andie, meaning I had to scoot to the edge of the couch. Lee slid in beside Karla and Trev perched on the armrest right next to me. I braced myself and stayed quiet. The others chatted while I tried not to do or say anything unwise, in other words—wine fuelled. I could sense Trev's attention on me.
"So, what've you all been up to?" Stu asked.
"Having pillow fights and swapping sex stories?" Trev suggested saucily.
"Yes, Trevor," Karla sighed. "That is exactly what we were doing."
"Wishful thinking." He winked and held up his hands.
"How did the game go?" Karla asked, and I realised they must've been off seeing a football match.
"We won 3-1," Lee answered proudly and placed a kiss on her temple. He went into more detail but I zoned out, as I was prone to when sport was the topic of conversation.
"I like your boots," said Trev quietly, nodding to my feet.
"Thanks," I answered stiffly, not meeting his eyes.
"They look like something Santa would wear."
"Everybody knows Santa's boots are black," I replied tersely.
"Not true. The world thinks he wears a red suit when in fact, his original getup was green. He could very well have worn brown boots."
"Keep talking. I'm fascinated," I deadpanned, and his expression warmed with humour even though I was being a salty bitch. He did always take a perverse pleasure in my sour moods.
"You need a lift home or anything?"
His offer took me off guard. "Um, no, that's okay. Thanks."
"You sure? I'm not drinking much these days so I'm well used to being the designated driver."
I arched a brow and turned to look at him. "You aren't?"
"Nope. I'm trying the whole 'my body is a temple' shtick." He gestured to the fitted, long-sleeved T-shirt he wore. "You think it's working?"
I couldn't help my scoff. Trev had always been a zero-per cent-body-fat type. He never even had to try. I would say it made me sick, if I didn't enjoy looking at him so much. I was the opposite. I only had to glance at a cake and I put on five pounds. I had to work out and watch what I ate simply to keep out of the obesity range. My sister, Paula, used to say I had childbearing hips, but they were cake hips and we both knew it.
Thoughts of my sister had a different sort of ache swelling inside me but I tried my best to push it aside. It was always a sore spot when any of my family wheedled their way into my head.
"I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that question already," I finally replied. There was a sharpness in my voice I hadn't intended, but it came out anyway.
"True, but sometimes it's nice to be told."
"Fine, your body is quite the temple. Happy?"
"Wine used to make you more agreeable. Now it just makes you cranky."
"Maybe it's not the wine," I threw back pointedly and stood from the couch to address the room. "Ladies, it's been lovely, but I have to get going. Same time next month, yeah?"
I didn't wait for an answer and instead grabbed my things and fled the room. I was already out the door when someone caught my arm. I turned and Trev looked at me in concern.
"Did I say something wrong?" he asked, his hand firm at my elbow.
I blew out a breath and shook my head. "No, I just . . . I can't be around you, Trev. I'm sorry."
"Why not?"
"You know why."
His eyes moved back and forth between mine. He didn't let go of me for a long moment then blurted, "I want another chance." _What?_
I sputtered a laugh. "Are you high?"
He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at his temples. "Shit, that came out wrong. I don't mean romantically. I want another chance at being your friend."
I yanked my arm away and started walking again. "I'm too drunk right now for this conversation."
He caught up to me easily. "If you're too drunk for this conversation then you're too drunk to make your own way home. Let me drive you."
"I'll get a taxi."
"Reya."
The tone of his voice had me turning around. "What?"
He gave me a no-nonsense look. "Quit being a bitch."
I couldn't help it. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I burst out laughing. This whole situation was ridiculous. He was Trev. I knew him better than I knew anyone, and here we were, arguing like a pair of bratty children. Actually no, I was arguing like a bratty child. He was being surprisingly mature.
"Fine. You can drive me home," I said and started walking toward the only car on the street expensive enough to be his, a black 4X4, because you know, London had so many unwieldy terrains to contend with.
I opened the door and slid into the passenger seat before he could say anything. He was chuckling low at my presumption when he got in the driver's side and started the engine.
I let out a sigh as he started to drive in the direction of my flat. "I'm sorry for being curt with you. It's just weird having you around after all this time, especially given how successful you've become. It makes me feel like a failure."
_Crap_! Why did I say that? I'd obviously had too much wine tonight. I mentally facepalmed and wished for magical tape to seal my mouth shut.
Trev frowned at me then back at the road. "What makes you think you're a failure? More importantly, what makes you think I'm a success?"
I snorted and made a very eloquent hand gesture around the fancy-as-fuck car we were in. Nobody was giving me a Classy Lady of the Year award any time soon.
Trev's lips twitched in a smile. "Nice stuff doesn't equate to success. Not in my book. If you knew half the bullshit I've been through in the last year you wouldn't want to swap with me for a second."
I studied him closely. "What happened in the last year?"
Trev's hand tightened reflexively on the steering wheel. "You really want to know?"
"I really do."
He exhaled and took his time responding. "So, do you remember me mentioning my ex yesterday, Nicole?"
I nodded.
"I met her about ten months ago. Worst thing to ever happen to me. I didn't know it at the time, of course."
"Of course."
His lips twitched again and he continued talking. "She was a big fan of the show."
I brought my hands to my face and winced. "You got involved with a fan? Oh, Trevor."
His jaw tensed. "Not my finest hour, I'll admit. But Nicole was beautiful. She was a model, but she was clever, too. She had a wicked sense of humour, which was one of the first things that attracted me to her."
Against my better judgement, I stewed in a morsel of jealousy. Okay, more than a morsel. _Shut up._ "Sounds like she was the whole package."
He emitted a joyless laugh. "Yeah, the whole package with a side of nut job. Callum still calls her Yoko."
I chuckled.
"I didn't see the signs at first, but she started doing little things that waved warning signals. She'd check the messages on my phone, tell me to delete social media statuses she didn't agree with, ask me why I accepted friend requests from girls even if they were real-life mates of mine."
I braced myself, because I could see where this was heading. I actually felt sorry for him, which was new because for the last two years, Trev had been someone I resented in my head. Someone I felt envious of and hated for leaving me behind so he could live his dream life.
"There was more, but I won't go into every single incident, otherwise we'd be here all night. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she accused me of cheating on her and thrashed my flat. I hadn't cheated, just so you know, but someone had given my phone number to a girl who wanted to get with me. Nicole found a suggestive message and lost the plot. Two days later, my manager called me in for a meeting. Nicole claimed to have a sex tape of us and had threatened to put it online. It's not like it would've ruined my career if she did. In fact, it probably would've heightened my profile, but I just felt sick at the idea of her doing something like that, you know?"
"God, Trev, I had no idea . . ." I breathed.
He shook his head. "Anyway, I paid her off and the whole thing went away. It turned out she didn't even have a video. She was just doing it to get back at me, even though I never bloody cheated to begin with."
It sounded like he was better off without her if I was being honest. On instinct, I reached out and placed my hand on his. He let out a sharp breath and our eyes connected. Heat spread through me and I quickly pulled away. Touching him was definitely not a good idea.
"After that whole shitstorm I knew I had to make a change. I had to be more selective about who I let into my life. Nicole was the final catalyst, but there'd been a whole string of crazies, all out for what I could give them. I was just so . . . tired of it all. You know how they say be careful what you wish for?"
I nodded but didn't speak.
"Well, I got exactly what I wanted and realised it was a million miles away from what I _needed_. I feel so much better now. So much more grounded," he said, after a moment of silence. We'd just pulled up outside my flat. I wanted to leave but I also wanted to stay. I wanted to talk to him, because although the story of Nicole was awful, it had been nice to have a conversation with him. When we talked it almost felt like no time had passed and we were back to being friends.
Trev climbed out of the car and came around to open my door for me. When I emerged he walked me to my door, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"Have you found a new club to play at yet?" he asked, and there was a hesitance to his voice I found curious.
I shook my head. "Not yet. I have a few meetings tomorrow though, so fingers crossed."
He sliced his teeth across his lower lip and opened his mouth to speak. When no words came, I folded my arms and studied him. "What is it?"
"I have something I want to say but I'm not sure how you're going to react."
"So say it and you'll find out."
His eyes narrowed infinitesimally. "Our PA is going on maternity leave next week."
"Okay."
"We need someone to fill in for her, but Jo is so great and it's hard to find the right person. She takes no shit, you know? We've been interviewing temps, but half of them are rabid fans and the other half aren't qualified."
"You only have one PA between all five of you?" I questioned, still not getting where he was going with this.
"No, we have two. When we're done filming, Neil, our second PA, will be able to handle the workload on his own, but we need someone for Europe. It's going to be too busy for just one person."
"Ah, right," I said.
"I think we should give you the job," he blurted, and I placed a hand on my hip.
"Me?" I scoffed, incredulous.
"Yes, you. Why not?"
"I'm a musician, Trev, not a PA."
"Yeah, but you're a quick learner, and I know you wouldn't take any bullshit from us, the same as Jo. We need someone to keep us in line, make sure everything runs smoothly during the day, but your evenings would be your own. You could book some gigs. I think it'd be a great opportunity for you to play in new places, and all your expenses would be paid for."
I stared at him, not knowing if I should slap him across the face or kiss him on the mouth. It was a great opportunity. Strike that. It was an _amazing_ opportunity, but as with most things in life, there was a catch. I got a free trip around Europe, but I had to be with Trev every day, the one man who ever got close enough to break my heart. There was just too much risk for me to say yes.
Not only that but he said he wanted another chance at being friends. And he was specific to point out it wasn't romantic. If I travelled with him, I'd see first-hand the girls fawning all over him. See up-close and personal the women he had sex with. _Why the fuck would I say yes to that?_
"It's a very kind offer, Trev, but I can't."
"Why not?" he asked and stepped closer. It didn't help that I could smell him, his clean, manly scent.
"Y-you know why not. And besides, I'm hopeful about these meetings I have lined up tomorrow. I'll have new work in no time."
The disappointment in his eyes was palpable, especially given how close he was. And somehow, I felt guilty. It couldn't have been easy for him to make the offer, given our past.
"Okay, well, I just thought I'd ask. Good luck for tomorrow," he said and I turned around to open my door. When I stepped inside he was already back at his car. He waited for me to close the door before I heard him start the engine and pull away.
Even as I went inside my flat and changed into some pyjamas, the whole encounter just didn't sit right with me.
Three years. Three whole years we'd been best friends before we parted ways, and it had only blossomed into more because he had pursued me. Persistently. But now? Now he drove away. He left. Just as he left two years ago. _Better to not get too close, Reya. You won't survive it when he leaves and never bothers for that second chance again._
With a deep, resigned exhale I climbed into bed and pulled the covers tight around me.
# Four.
The following morning I was up early. I put my very best effort into my appearance, wearing my favourite burgundy skirt with a cream lace top and black cardigan. I styled my wavy hair into loose curls and spent extra time on my makeup. I wanted to make a good impression at my interviews.
I heard a car pull to a stop just as I stepped outside and hitched my bag up on my shoulder. Most of the clubs had their own pianos, so I didn't need to lug my keyboard around, which was a relief. I'd just I reached my gate when I stopped in surprise.
_What is he doing here?_
Trev exited his car with two takeaway coffee cups in hand and my breath caught at the sight of him. He wore a form-fitting white shirt and grey slacks, which was way more grown-up than the combats and hoodies he used to wear. I came over a little peculiar at the sight of him looking so adult.
"Perfect timing." He grinned. "I was hoping I'd catch you before you left for your meetings."
I stepped up to him and he held out one of the coffees. The aroma hit my nose and I couldn't resist. I took a sip and the temperature was perfect just like his timing.
"Thanks," I said. "What . . . um, what are you doing here?" I knew Trev as much as anyone could possibly know him, so I recognised when he had an ulterior motive. This wasn't just a visit for the sake of a visit.
"I just wanted to stop by and wish you luck," he said . . . like butter wouldn't melt.
"And?"
He made an attractive expression as he gave in. "Fine. I also wanted to try and persuade you one last time to take the PA job. It could be the best three weeks of your life, Reya."
I was already shaking my head. "Trev, you know I—"
"Look, just think about it," he said and handed me a piece of paper. "We're holding more interviews today. This is the address. If you stop by before five o'clock you'll get to meet the gang. Maybe they can persuade you better than I can."
I took the paper and unfolded it to find an address for an office building in the city. He really didn't give up. I shoved it in my bag, no intention of using it, but I knew if I handed it back to him he wouldn't take it. Hands in his pockets, he blew out a breath and I found the uncertainty in his gaze curious. He never used to have an uncertain bone in his body. In fact, he'd always been an act first think later type of person.
"Can I give you a lift to your first meeting?" he asked as I studied him.
My first instinct was to refuse, but like always I couldn't resist the opportunity to spend more time with him. Some things never changed.
I nodded. "Sure. It's in Camden."
Trev smiled wide, that handsome expression that never failed to make my belly flutter as he gestured to his car. "I'll have you there in no time."
A few hours later I pulled the address from my bag, my attitude far different from what it had been earlier. Needless to say, my interviews didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I never realised how good I had it at Club Echo. One manager wanted me to wear sexier clothes when I performed, another wanted to pay me a pittance, and the third basically propositioned me, insinuating I'd get the gig if I put out.
_Eh, no._
Sometimes, even when you had talent, you couldn't avoid creeps who wanted you to lower yourself just to get a gig. It was demoralising, and also the reason why I was now considering something I never would've considered just a few hours ago.
There was a lot of mental back and forth going on in my head. Should I take Trev up on his offer and potentially have the best few weeks of my life? Or do I decline and end up regretting it forever? I didn't like regretting things, and I convinced myself that more good came of saying yes than saying no.
Even with this reasoning, I was still unsure what I was going to do as I took a cab to the address Trev gave me. I stared up at the impressive high-rise and scanned the names by the door, noticing one of them was Fielding Management & PR. That was the same company that managed Trev and his co-stars and explained the location.
My palms grew a little sweaty as I made my way inside. After exchanging a few words with a friendly receptionist, she directed me to a room on the 15th floor. When I arrived, a handful of smartly dressed men and women sat on chairs in the waiting area. I could tell they were vying for the PA job by the résumés they held in their laps; some seemed more nervous than others.
A twist of guilt coiled in my belly to think I'd be taking a job from someone who needed it, but I needed it, too. It wasn't until Trev presented me with the opportunity that I realised just how much. The idea of playing for new audiences, in cities I'd never get the chance to visit otherwise, made me feel alive again after months of feeling stale. I wanted this so badly it terrified me, because I was still working my head around the whole Trevor part of the deal.
If I said yes to this, he'd be back in my life. There was no going around, under or over it.
I saw James poke his head out of one of the rooms. He was the eldest of the _Running on Air_ cast and had a kind yet handsome face. His coffee complexion was flawless, his brown eyes soulful and deep, and he always held himself with a sort of dignified calm I wished I could emulate. He was also an incredible free runner. He and Callum were the only two members of the cast I'd met before, besides Trev, and I knew he recognised me when our gazes clashed.
"Reya," he said, coming towards me, his arms open for a hug. "Trev said you might be popping by."
"Yeah, he invited me over. I hope that's okay," I replied as we exchanged a quick but warm embrace.
"Of course it is. Come on in," he said and ushered me inside the room.
Music was playing when I stepped into the large office space. There was a heavily pregnant woman by the window on a phone call, and a dark-haired man working on a laptop at the desk. Trev and Callum were tossing a basketball back and forth to each other from opposite ends of the room, while Leanne sat on a couch scrolling through a tablet.
Paul came towards us with a smile and my heart skipped a beat. He was even cuter in real life, all red hair and azure blue eyes.
"Who's this?" he asked, his voice friendly.
"This is Reya," James said. "She's an old friend of Trev's."
"Oh, the one who might be filling in for Jo?" Paul asked, looking even happier as his attention rested on me. "Please take the job. I'm begging you. I'll die if I have to sit through another interview."
"Don't be so melodramatic," James chided. That was when Trev noticed I was there. He threw the ball to Callum so hard he winded him and strode across the room.
"Reya, you came," he said, beaming, and pulled me into a hug. Wasn't I getting all the hugs today? I pulled back, a little overwhelmed by the attention, as Trev guided me to Leanne.
"Leanne, this is my friend, Reya. The one I was telling you about."
She put down her tablet and glanced up at me. She was a petite little thing with short black hair, bright blue eyes, and a pretty face that was at odds with the toughness she exuded. She stood and held out her hand, all casual.
"Good to meet you, Reya," she said as we shook.
"What? Don't I get an introduction?" Callum interrupted and Leanne rolled her eyes.
I guessed things still weren't so rosy between those two, not that they ever had been. Like Karla, I was fascinated by their antagonistic, love-hate relationship on TV. I had to admit, it was a little exciting to be witnessing it in real life. Leanne didn't wear make-up and was usually found in a uniform of black jeans, white T-shirt and leather boots.
Conversely, Callum was a pretty boy heart-throb, with a body of muscle and ink, and a face made to be on billboards. He was the kind of man you saw with a glamour model on his arm, not an androgynous tomboy who didn't have a glamorous bone in her body. I guessed that was where the antagonism came in. Maybe they both resented the fact they were attracted to one another.
"Hi, Callum," I said. "I'm Reya. We've met a few times before." He was by far the prettiest member of the cast, and that was saying something because they were all incredibly good looking. Callum had light brown hair, piercing green eyes, and like I said, tattoos covering every inch of his perfectly toned body.
"Right, yeah, I remember," he said, giving me the once-over. "You're the piano chick. Haven't seen you around in a while. How've you been keeping?"
"As well as can be expected."
Next Trev guided me over to introduce me to the pregnant lady, who was Jo, the PA I might be filling in for, and then Neil, the other assistant I'd be working alongside.
"Can I talk to you in private for a minute?" I asked Trev, and he nodded then led me through a door into a smaller, empty office. He closed the door and folded his arms.
"What's up?"
Being alone with him was unexpectedly heady. His eyes travelled down my outfit and back up to my face. I self-consciously dragged a hand through my curls and took a deep breath. "This is all moving very fast."
He frowned. "You didn't come for the job?"
"No, I did. Well, I'm considering it at least. My interviews went horribly, which is mostly the reason why I'm here," I confessed.
A flicker of amusement claimed his features. "So, it's a last resort, huh? Colour me flattered."
I gave him a light slap on the arm. "That's not it. You know I'd be a fool to turn this down, I'm just a little wary of what it means for us."
Trev studied me a moment, weighing his response. "I told you I'd like us to be friends again."
I eyed him warily. "And that's all?"
He was silent for longer than the question warranted, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. "That's all."
Relief flooded me, even if I did feel that familiar tinge of disappointment. There was once a time when he looked at me like I was everything he ever wanted, but that time had passed and I needed to accept it. At least this way I knew he'd keep his distance if I did decide to take the job. The 'friendship' label would make things easier for me, like a wall of safety I knew not to pass.
"Okay, well, I still need some time to think about it."
Trev gave me a tender smile and reached forward to squeeze my upper arm for a second. Worrying butterflies flooded my belly at the momentary contact, but I ignored them. "Let's go talk to the others then, yeah? Maybe they'll help you make a decision."
He led me back out, calling, "I need you for a minute, guys."
The assistants, Jo and Neil, continued working, while the others congregated on the couch. I sat down on the single armchair across from them and tried not to let my nerves get the better of me. I rubbed my palms discreetly on my skirt. Trev was still wearing the same outfit from this morning and it was having a weird effect on me. When I glanced at him his eyes traced the curve of my hips then rose to my face. He shifted in his seat then turned to address his friends.
"So, you all know how difficult it's been finding someone to fill in for Jo? Reya is a friend of the family and I'll vouch for her. I think we should give her the position, at least while we're filming."
"She has my vote," said James right away.
"Mine, too," Paul added with a boyish grin that made my chest flutter. It was nothing like what Trev did to me, but it was still pleasant. I hadn't had that feeling of being appreciated since I broke up with David. Still, I needed to get a hold over my crush on him because it made me feel like a perv. Paul was five years my junior.
"And mine," said Leanne, which surprised me because she seemed a little standoffish before. Then again, from what I'd observed on the show, that was how she was with most people.
"Hold up," said Callum. "I want to know a little more about her before we just hand over the job."
Leanne narrowed her gaze at him. "She's Trev's friend. Why do you always have to be such a dick?"
"Because you love my dick," Callum shot back crassly and I stiffened.
"Oh, hon, are you confusing love with sympathy again?" Leanne crooned. "I don't love your dick. I feel sorry for it because it's so tiny, remember?"
"Leanne," Jo called warningly, having overheard the comment, though she was still on the phone. "Enough of that."
"Whatever. He started it," Leanne grumped and folded her arms while Callum shot her a triumphant grin. I was surprised Jo spoke with such authority, given she was only a PA. Then again, she was in her thirties, a good few years older than the group, and she had a natural air of bossiness about her. Would I have to be like her if I took over her role? I wasn't sure I could handle that.
"Do you watch the show?" Callum asked, his attention returning to me.
"Yes," I answered, lacing my fingers together in my lap. "Like Trev said, I'm a close friend of his family. We watch the show together all the time."
"You think it's good?" he went on, and Trev shot him a disgruntled look.
"Of course," I said politely. "I think you're all very talented. I know I couldn't do what you do. Some of your stunts are downright terrifying."
That seemed to assuage him a little, and I knew Callum was the one I was going to have to win over. Most people considered him the leader of the group, which he was, sort of, but it was more complicated than that. By all accounts, Callum and Trev held the most power, with Callum appearing to be the top dog. However, if Callum was the king, then Trev was the kingmaker, the one who pushed him forward and pulled his strings, whispered in his ear.
And everyone knew kingmakers held far more power than kings.
Obviously, I'd spent way too much time thinking about all this, watching the show and analysing the mechanics of the group.
"Oh yeah, and what's been your favourite so far?"
I considered my answer. "When Paul dove off the roof of that office building to land on the window-cleaning scaffold. My heart was literally in my throat the entire time I was watching it."
Paul made a little flourish and shot me another smile. "I aim to please."
"Mission accomplished," I said and smiled back.
When I glanced at Trev, his expression was slightly pinched. He didn't like the natural rapport between us, that much was clear. I could tell he still remembered me claiming Paul was my favourite, but I was glad he didn't mention it. That would've been awkward.
"Okay, I guess you can't be any worse than some of the others we've seen," Callum finally allowed, and Trev's irritation visibly increased.
"I'm gonna have to echo Leanne's sentiments, Cal. Don't be a dick."
He shrugged and rose from the couch, going to grab the basketball again.
"I better go inform those waiting that the position's been filled," said James as he headed for the door.
"He needs a fucking reality check," said Leanne quietly, speaking of Callum. "I'm sick of his attitude. It's like he thinks he's better than the rest of us."
"You know he's always been like that, even before we were on TV," said Paul as he threw his arm around her petite shoulders.
"Mm-hmm," she mumbled, but she still seemed unhappy. I didn't know it was possible for such a tiny person to hold so much tension in their body. She practically hummed with it, and I was suddenly curious to know the whole story behind her animosity towards Callum, and vice versa.
When I glanced up, Trev was standing over me, his hand outstretched. I let him pull me up to stand and we stared at each other for a second.
"Made up your mind yet?" he asked.
My throat ran dry, but my gut still twisted with indecision. "Not yet."
His eyes sparkled a little at the challenge. "Guess I'll have to up my game then."
# Five.
"Sometimes I'll be driving around the city and I'll see an interesting building and be like, we could do something there," Trev explained to the unseen interviewer behind the camera.
I was lying in bed watching clips of _Running on Air_ on my laptop and eating a bag of tortilla chips for breakfast. Obviously, I didn't have time to go out and buy groceries. I was too busy deliberating over whether to take Trev up on his offer, and I couldn't deny that my wanderer's heart wanted to say yes. I loved travelling to new places, but I just never had the funds to go anywhere.
On-screen Trev sat on a wall in a public park, talking about where he gets inspiration for his stunts.
"Then I usually go to Cal with it. We talk it out, discuss the logistics, figure out if what I see in my head is actually possible. Sometimes it's too risky, which is usually half the attraction. Other times it's doable, so we bring it to the rest of the group."
"I'd love to know what constitutes too risky," said the interviewer.
Trev's lips curved in the most handsome way and my heart skipped a beat. Even after all this time his smiles still affected me the same. A warm, fuzzy feeling filled me up. The interview cut to a shot of him jumping off a wall in the park. Then he ran to another, climbed atop and balanced himself on the edge. Finally, he flipped effortlessly to the ground.
I remembered all the times in the past when I'd witnessed him do similar tricks and felt a pang of nostalgia. Trev was one of those people who made you feel like you were about to have the most exciting night of your life. He made you feel what Sia's music sounded like, or what a car sailing down a motorway in the middle of summer, about to embark on an epic road trip, looked like.
As though my thoughts summoned him, my phone vibrated with a text. It was weird seeing his name on my screen, but more so the fact that I never actually deleted his number. Maybe the masochist in me secretly enjoyed the stab of pain and regret when I had to scroll past his name.
_Trev: You busy?_
I rubbed the smudgy glass and considered a response. The simple question lit a spark of curiosity I couldn't seem to quell. If I said I was free, what would he suggest?
_Reya: Not really. Why?_
_Trev: Want to hang out? I'm at the gym._
_Reya: Oh, fun!_
A few seconds went by before I sent another message.
_Reya: I hope my sarcasm came across._
Instead of an answering text, my phone started ringing. I jumped in surprise and answered hesitantly. "Hello?"
Trev's distinctive chuckle filtered down the line and I closed my eyes for a second at the delicious sound. "I haven't forgotten your attitude towards the gym."
"It's a necessary evil and I pay my dues but I don't go there unless I absolutely have to," I replied, then made an audible shudder. "And I certainly don't go to hang out. That sort of behaviour is only for people who actually," I paused and made sure my voice was suitably horrified, " _enjoy_ exercise."
"How can you not enjoy exercise? It gives you endorphins and makes you feel good."
"Well, I must be defective because all it makes me feel is grumpy."
"Don't you still go to those kung fu classes with Karla? That's exercise."
"It's not kung fu, it's Escrima. And it's self-defence. It serves a purpose. Running on a treadmill serves no purpose other than vanity."
"Don't forget health."
"Well, that, too," I said grudgingly.
Trev chuckled again. Damn him and that irresistible sound. "You haven't seen _this_ gym, Reya. I promise you'll at least be entertained. Come on, you know you want to."
I brought my attention to the paused video on my laptop. If Trev knew I was watching old clips of him and feeling nostalgic I was certain he'd be bathing in a sea of snug satisfaction.
"Okay, maybe I'll come check it out. But only because you've got me curious."
"Great, I'll text you the address," said Trev, sounding pleased.
"You do that, but if my mind isn't blown I'm holding you solely accountable. Seriously, this better be brain matter on the walls type of amazing."
"It's so amazing you'll be _coming_ on the walls," Trev responded, always one to up the ante.
When I didn't reply he hedged an uncertain, "Too far?"
I kept my voice neutral so he couldn't hear the smile in it. "You already know the answer to that. I'll see you in a little bit."
Shaking my head, I hung up, unnerved by how easily we'd slipped into our old bantering ways. Trev texted me the address to his gym and thankfully it was only a few Tube stops from my flat. When I arrived, I pressed the buzzer next to the heavy-duty steel door and waited to be let in. Hearing the lock click over, I pushed it open and walked down a hall that led to a large, impressive gym space. Trev wasn't lying when he said I'd be entertained.
It was kitted out with walls of various heights, hanging bars, makeshift rooftops and even a halfpipe. There were poles and stairways and all sorts of other contraptions to help the group hone their skills and simulate the outdoor freerunning experience. Right then all five of them were running circuits and I stood in place, stunned speechless. Leanne, Paul, Callum, James and Trev leapt from wall to hanging bar to rooftop in perfect synchrony, like a well-oiled machine. It was like each of them was an extension of the other.
My attention went to Trev. There were sweat patches on his grey T-shirt and moisture dotted his forehead. His hair was mussed and his blue eyes somehow brighter than usual. But appearances aside, it was impossible not to be impressed by his strength. He effortlessly pulled himself up on a bar, then swung his body around to land on a wall like it was nothing. He ran along the wall, then jumped onto a stairway. From the stairway, he climbed to the top of the halfpipe then ran down its curved centre.
My eyes traced the musculature of his thighs, clearly visible in the workout shorts he wore, not to mention the strong, toned lines of his arms and shoulders exposed by his sleeveless T-shirt.
I blinked out of my semi-trance when someone waved a hand in my face.
"Reya, hey! I didn't know you were coming by," said Paul, his customary smile in place as he endeavoured to catch his breath. I admired how his red hair hung slightly over his forehead, all askew from his workout.
"Yeah, Trev invited me over. You lot are amazing."
He gave a self-deprecating shrug. "It's all in a day's work. We have an intense schedule coming up for the third season, so we need to be in top shape."
"I can imagine."
He eyed me speculatively. "Trev mentioned you still hadn't made up your mind about the job yet."
I swallowed because I didn't expect him to bring up the PA position. My mind was _almost_ made. I was on the verge of saying yes, but I needed someone to give me that final push into the deep end of the pool. Whether I flailed and went under, or succeeded in swimming to the top, was all on me.
I cleared my throat. "Right, yes. It's just that I teach piano and I need to find someone to cover my lessons," I lied. I knew several old college friends who'd jump at the chance to fill in for me. I just didn't want to get into the whole thing about Trev's and my rocky past, and the difficulties that could ensue.
"You'll find someone. Come on, say yes. It's only three weeks, and it'll be good for my mental health to see your pretty face every day," Paul went on charmingly. _Was he flirting with me?_
I smiled. "Well, we wouldn't want your mental health to suffer."
Right after I said it an arm came to rest casually along my shoulders—a hot, sweaty, muscled arm. I didn't have to look to know it was Trev. "You came," he said, gazing down at me.
I tried not to fixate on the way his chest rose and fell with his laboured breathing. "Yes, I did."
"So, what do you think?"
"I think this must be what the inside of your brain looks like," I teased.
"Nah, the inside of his brain looks like _Car and Driver_ magazine with a few pages of _Playboy_ thrown in," Paul joked.
Trev chuckled his amusement. "Don't forget _Food & Wine_. You know I like a bit of food porn with my actual porn."
"In that case, I better not let you see that picture of Eva Mendes eating a whole pizza by herself. I don't want you scandalizing our female company," said Paul, shooting me a wink.
"I could eat a whole pizza by myself right now. I'm starving," said Callum as he, Leanne and James joined us. He didn't have a top on and it was a little hard not to look at all those defined muscles and tattoos, but I managed to keep my gaze from wandering. Leanne, who came to stand next to me, went up on her tiptoes and whispered in my ear, "Atta girl. Don't give him the satisfaction. He does it on purpose."
I smirked and glanced at her, noticing a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
Callum stood under a horizontal bar and reached up to grab it with both arms. Then he started doing extremely impressive pull-ups, but I followed Leanne's instructions and ignored him. She let out a loud yawn and patted her mouth.
"Well, it looks like we're all done here. Do you guys want to go grab food then head home? I'm in the mood for an early night."
She looked at everyone except Callum, and I tried not to laugh at how obviously it bothered him. He dropped down off the bar, muttered something about taking a cold shower, then skulked off to the other side of the gym.
"You shouldn't torture him like that," said James. "You know his ego can't take it."
Leanne made a derisive scoff. "He'll be fine. Every day this week I've barely seen him put so much as a vest on during workouts. It's purposeful and you know it."
"Oh, the games we play," Paul sighed. "I'm going to shower, too. Reya, are you coming to eat with us?"
I glanced at Trev, who no longer had his arm around my shoulders. He looked like he was thinking about something real hard, but I had no idea what. I returned my attention to Paul. "Sure. If it's okay with everyone else."
"Of course it's okay," Trev answered before Paul had the chance. "Why do you think I invited you over?"
His open, friendly expression got a smile out of me. "In that case, I'm in."
I arrived home a few hours later, after enjoying a genuinely fun meal with Trev and his freerunning co-stars. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so much, and a surge of enthusiasm to go travelling with them filled me. This wasn't just about Trev. This was about the entire group. The atmosphere that surrounded them was incredibly appealing. It didn't make much sense, because I was only twenty-six, but somehow they made me feel young again. Their lust for life and all-around playfulness shone a light on the fact that I was old before my time. I was so bogged down in worries and fears that I'd forgotten how to be young and just enjoy each day as it came.
I felt like they could teach me how to do that, too.
Flopping down onto my sofa, I flicked through my phone and brought up the messages I exchanged with Trev earlier. I decided not to do what I normally did. I wouldn't linger on what ifs and possible repercussions. I'd just do what felt right in the moment. My pulse sped up as I typed out a new text.
_Reya: Okay, I'll take the job._
A few minutes later Trev's response came through.
_Trev: FANTASTIC! I promise you're going to have a great time :-D_
I blew out a breath and lay my head down on a cushion, hoping he was right.
# Six.
As soon as I accepted the job, things moved fast. I met up with Jo and Neil and they walked me through the daily filming schedule and what would be required of me. I called up an old college friend of mine who also taught piano, and she agreed to cover my lessons. Like me, she was happy for any extra work she could get.
I also began looking into places where I could perform and started to get excited about the prospect. By the end of the week, I had several bookings for Paris, as well as one for Brussels and another for Barcelona. That was the good thing about having videos on YouTube; people could easily check out my music and make a decision. The gigs weren't as high paying as the ones I'd been trying for here, which was probably why they were easier to get, but it was the experience I was after rather than the cash.
I knew every musician said some variation of the same thing, but I really didn't play for the money. Obviously, if that were the case then I would've quit years ago. In fact, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be super rich or famous. So long as I had enough to live comfortably I was happy. But more than that, I liked connecting with people one at a time. If I was super famous I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. And I liked being able to walk down the street, completely anonymous. I was such a private person that being well known would drive me insane.
Speaking of famous people, I didn't see much of Trev over the next few days. I had to go to the offices again to sign contracts, one for the temp position and another agreeing for the show to use footage of me if needed.
I didn't think too much of it, because I doubted anyone would be paying attention to me, not when there were five famous free runners to focus on. I might show up in the background once or twice, but that was it. Anyway, I was excited to see what it was like filming the show first-hand.
It was a few days before we were set to travel to Brussels by train when I heard a knock on my door. My heart hammered and my cheeks heated, thinking it might be Trev. But when I answered it was only Karla. Not that I wasn't happy to see her. And I was, except for the less-than-jovial look on her face.
"Come in," I said, and she went to sit on my couch. She crossed one leg over the other, her dower expression dampening my previous excitement for the upcoming trip.
"Lee told me that you're going to Europe with Trevor," she said, clasping her hands together. Karla had a natural air of authority that in this moment made me feel like I'd just been called to the headmaster's office.
"Karla, I was going to tell you. It's just—"
"Trev flashed you a smile and you forgot everything that happened before?" she asked knowingly.
I sighed and slumped down onto the couch beside her. "No." _Yes_. "You know things have been tough for me lately. Music is a hard business, and I'd be crazy not to take this opportunity. I know I'll be working during the day, but in the evenings I'll get to perform. I've already booked a bunch of gigs."
She eyed me for a long moment. "And that's all this is about? Getting to perform in new cities?"
"Of course," I answered stiffly. "Well, and I like being around the group. They're a fun bunch. What else would it be about?"
I immediately regretted the question when Karla's expression turned cynical. "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer." She paused and exhaled heavily. "I just want to make sure you're going to be okay. I know Trev's been making positive changes, but he's still him, Reya. What if he starts seeing girls while you lot are travelling? How will you handle that?"
"It wouldn't bother me," I lied, both to myself and to her. I thought that maybe if I kept lying it would eventually become the truth. "We've agreed to be friends. Just friends."
"That didn't work out so great last time."
"We're older now, and wiser. At least, I am. This time it will be different," I said and I meant it. I was determined to enjoy myself and not develop feelings for Trev other than purely platonic ones. We were friends once. We could do it again. Besides, I needed this opportunity—both personally and professionally—and I had no intention of messing it up.
Karla stared at me, as though trying to decide if she believed me. In the end, she dug inside her bag and pulled out a piece of paper. "Here. I made a list of Escrima classes in the cities you'll be visiting. Just in case you want to practice while you're away."
I smiled and took it from her, touched by the gesture. I knew this was as much of a blessing as she was going to give me. "Thanks. I never thought of that," I said and peered down at the list.
When we first became friends, Karla had seen something in me, a glimpse of the truth, and suggested I learn how to defend myself. She'd always been very perceptive like that, which was probably what made her such a good policewoman. Escrima was a Filipino martial art and a great way to combine working out with self-defence. It gave me a newfound confidence, and I'd been attending weekly classes with her for years now.
She stayed for a while before heading back to work. I made a start on packing, and it was a bigger task than I anticipated. Not only did I need three weeks' worth of outfits, I also needed to bring my keyboard and all my other sound equipment with me.
On the morning of our train to Brussels, I was running around like a headless chicken trying to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. Trev arranged for my gear to be added to the camera crew's, so I didn't have to lug it around with me.
I expected him to just honk the horn when he arrived to collect me, but instead he came and knocked on the door, leaving a taxi idling outside.
"Hey," I greeted, out of breath. "I'm almost ready."
"Are those your bags?" he asked, gesturing to the stack by the door.
"Yes," I answered, wandering around the flat and checking to make sure everything was plugged out.
"I'll carry them to the car, so take your time. We're early."
I nodded and finished up, then hurried out to the taxi. I slid in beside Trev, and we were off.
"So," I began, pulling up the train schedule and itinerary Jo had forwarded to my email. "We arrive in Brussels around two and there'll be cars waiting to transport everyone to our accommodation. There are two apartments for the camera crew and one for the cast, including Neil and myself. Leanne and I are going to share a room, which leaves you bunking up with Callum, and Paul and James will share. There's a small fourth bedroom that Neil will have for himself."
A warm hand touched mine and I glanced up. "Relax. Neil already gave us the rundown."
"It's more for myself than anything else. I like saying things out loud to get them straight in my head."
He smiled. "I know. I remember."
A moment passed between us, but I quickly drew my hand away and turned my attention back to my phone. "Jo ordered groceries to be delivered to all three apartments, so I need to make sure I'm there to collect them. The rest of today and tomorrow are free, but you guys start filming first thing Wednesday. I have a gig booked for that night. I hope that's okay," I said, glancing up at him.
Interest marked his features. "'Course it's okay. Can I come?"
I swallowed, goosebumps rising on my skin. "Uh, sure."
My acceptance was wary, because whenever Trev came to watch me perform in the past it had always been intense. It was something we both ignored for years, didn't speak of, but I had to admit the sexual undertones were there. He never took his attention off me while I was on stage. I knew it even though I rarely opened my eyes when I sang. It was a weird hang-up I had, and Trev was obsessed with it. He always counted it as an odd little victory whenever he managed to catch my gaze. It was like I could sense him looking, daring me to cast my eyes his way.
When we arrived at the train station, Neil was in charge of handing out tickets, so I didn't need to worry about that. We were admitted to a sort of VIP lounge and I'd just sat down next to Trev, handing him a coffee, when I overheard the conversation.
"I don't know about you, but I'm going out and getting some arse tonight," Callum said loudly, earning a sharp glare from Leanne.
"It's okay for you. You're not in a relationship," said James. "I'm gonna miss Diana like crazy these next few weeks."
"Isn't she flying over to Barcelona for the last leg of the tour?" Trev asked before dipping his head to me. "Diana's his fiancée."
"Oh," I said, feeling bad for him. It must be tough being separated like that.
"Yeah, but that's not for another two and a half weeks," James sighed while Callum made a face.
"Just come out with me. Diana will never know."
"You're disgusting," Leanne spat and rose from her seat, heading for the bathrooms.
"I'm just honest, babe," he called after her, and she flipped him off as she walked away. I hid my smirk behind my paper coffee cup. Even though I didn't know her well yet, I suspected I was going to get along with Leanne.
"Why do you have to goad her like that?" asked Paul. "It doesn't achieve anything."
"It pisses her off, doesn't it? That's achievement enough for me."
God, I was starting to understand why Leanne had such a problem with him. He was kind of an arsehole. Then again, I didn't know their history. Perhaps he had reason to be.
"Cal, take it down a notch, yeah?" said Trev, and some of Callum's confidence wavered. He mumbled something under his breath, then nodded like he'd just been told he was a bad puppy. I studied him a moment, but instead of the cocky, arrogant smile he'd been wearing a minute ago, his face had fallen flat. His brows furrowed, like he was thinking of something painful. I wondered what could've caused such an anguished expression.
I was distracted when an announcement came over the speakers saying our train was now boarding, and everyone started getting up to leave.
I touched Trev's elbow. "I'll go grab Leanne."
"Okay, see you on the train."
When I reached the bathroom it was empty. Just one cubicle had the door closed so I gave a light knock. "Leanne, are you in there? The train's boarding."
I heard a tiny sniffle then, "I'll be there in a minute."
I knew I should leave, but I hesitated. From the scratchy sound of her voice I suspected she'd been crying. "Are you okay?" I asked gently.
There was a moment of silence and then the door unlocked. She stepped out, not looking at me as she went to wash her hands. "I'm fine," she said and turned on the water.
I knew she was lying but we weren't familiar enough for me to push for the truth. "Okay, well, I'll see you out there."
I just reached the door when she spoke. "I don't expect you to understand."
I turned on my heel. "Pardon?"
She blew out a watery breath, her eyes rimmed with red. "I said I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be around someone you have feelings for when they have complete and total disregard for you, for everything."
My heart did a quick thump. Little did she know, I knew exactly what that felt like. "I thought you both gave as good as you got. That day at the gym it seemed like you enjoyed taunting him."
She exhaled shakily. "Yeah well. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. He's just always had this way of provoking me, so I act like a dick. He acts like one back, and the cycle continues."
She held my gaze for a second then returned her attention to washing her hands. A moment of silence fell before I spoke, "You're wrong, you know. I've, well, I've actually been in a similar position to yours."
Her blue eyes flared. "You have?"
I nodded and glanced over my shoulder to make sure nobody was eavesdropping. "Trev and I used to . . . have a thing. We were friends for a long time, it briefly became more, but then it fizzled out."
"Was it his fault?" she asked, drying her hands with some tissue.
"I'm still not too sure. Sometimes I blame myself for getting ideas about someone I knew deep down could never commit. You know about his condition, right?"
She nodded. "Yeah. He has therapy every week. There's a clause in our contract preventing the film crew from including footage of us discussing anything to do with his treatment."
Well, that was interesting. And a good sign. Although I worried about him taking three weeks off to film. Perhaps he'd arranged to meet a therapist while we travelled. I focused my attention back on Leanne. "He seems to have matured a lot, and the therapy must be working because he could be just as careless as Callum back then. So yeah, I know how you feel. If you ever want to talk, well, we're going to be sharing a room for the next three weeks, so I'm sure we'll have ample time."
That got a small smile out of her and she nodded, surprising me when she said, "I'd like that."
When we boarded the train, I was startled to see several members of the film crew already recording. I thought they weren't starting until Wednesday, but they must've wanted to catch footage of the journey. It didn't look like anyone had been hooked up to microphones, so I presumed they were going to use it for a montage or something like that. Those watchful glass lenses made me self-conscious in my ripped jeans and grey jumper, but I quickly brushed it off. I was going to have to get used to cameras over the coming days.
Trev seemed able to read my thoughts when he said, "Don't worry. I bet the camera loves you."
His reassurance took me off guard, especially that last bit. I frowned and went to grab my suitcase. We were in the first-class section, so the seats were a little fancier than typical. There were also food menus for later. I lifted my bag to put it on the storage shelf above my seat when Trev approached from behind and took it from me.
"Let me," he murmured, his warm body at my back.
I shoved aside how his closeness made me feel and slid onto my seat, glad it was by the window. A second later my nerves kicked in when Trev took the one right next to me.
"Leanne looks like she's been crying," he said in a quiet voice. "Is she okay?"
I glanced at him then around the carriage. Leanne was sitting two rows up, her earphones in.
"She was little upset but I think she'll be fine. You should talk to Callum about maybe employing a little more tact around her."
He appeared interested by this. "What makes you think I have any say in what Callum does?"
I only arched a brow in response. He knew as well as I did he had power there.
"Fine. I'll talk to him," he said on an exhale, and I was surprised he was taking my advice. I was a mere employee in this situation. It wasn't like he was under any obligation to appease me.
"I'm wrecked," he continued. "Didn't get much sleep last night. You mind if I take a nap?"
I shook my head. "No. Go for it."
He sank back into his seat, folded his arms and closed his eyes. "If you need to use the john just climb over me. I promise I won't mind," he said, eyes still closed as his mouth formed a smirk.
"I'm sure you wouldn't," I said and shook my head. "But if I need to use the bathroom I'll be waking you up."
He cracked open one eye and chuckled. "Spoilsport."
I would've questioned his flirty tone, but this was who he'd always been. Even when our relationship was platonic he'd been flirtatious. It was ingrained in his personality. I wasn't sure there existed a woman between eighteen and eighty he couldn't find some way to charm.
The train started to move and a fizzle of excitement ran through me. This was it. We were on our way. I hadn't travelled much in my life, just back and forth to Spain a few times when I was a kid to visit family. My parents emigrated from Madrid when they were in their late teens to make a life for themselves in London. I was looking forward to visiting Barcelona because I'd never been there, but Madrid not so much. There were too many memories there, and memories made me hear my mother's voice in my head.
_¿Por qué nunca dices la verdad? Estás tratando de arruinarnos con tus mentiras._
* * *
_W hy do you never tell the truth? You are trying to ruin us with your lies._
My thoughts had me feeling unsteady. Trev's breathing deepened and I suspected he'd nodded off. I pulled my notebook from my small handbag and began to write.
_Close your eyes and pick a word._
_Describe the person you see in your head._
_Not the one in theirs._
_Take your time._
_Take your time._
_Tómate tu tiempo_
_Don't be scared. Don't overthink._
_Strong, good._
_Proud, better._
_Flawed, yes._
_Truthful, always._
_We are all a work in the making._
_Even when we end we are unfinished we're never really finished._
I was scribbling for a couple more minutes when Trev's voice startled me. "Can I see?"
I froze, goosebumps claiming my skin, then turned to him. "You know I don't like that."
"But I'm gonna hear you sing them eventually. Why can't I read the lyrics?"
I worried my lip, thinking on it as I shut my notebook. "Because words without music are far too revealing. The music massages their starkness. Most people are too busy listening to the melody to realise you're baring your soul."
Trev stared at me for a long, long moment. "So, if I read your lyrics it's like discovering a secret, but if I watch you play I'm too dazzled by the music to hear the truth?"
I shrugged and looked away, feeling self-conscious now. "Something like that."
"It's not just the music that dazzles people, you know. It's you."
I glanced back at him and he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I inhaled and shifted away slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I was always fascinated when I watched you perform," he confessed and my breath caught. "You'd start out all prim and proper, so dignified in those long, flowy dresses you wear on stage, your back straight, chest forward. Then you'd start to play and you'd slowly unravel. By the end of one song your hair would fall from its clip, by then end of the next, the straps of your dress would be loose at your shoulders. You were so real. You fucking slayed me. You mesmerised everyone and that's because you were so unaware."
I had no words, no idea how to respond. I never expected him to say something like that, not with the low rumble of the engine and the chatter of other passengers surrounding us.
"Are you trying to butter me up? Am I going to be sleeping in the broom closet instead of sharing with Leanne when we arrive in Brussels?" I asked, needing to break the intensity of the moment, the honesty of it. He was making me feel too many things.
He smiled, seeming to guess I was embarrassed, and shot back, "Nah, but I might need you to wash my underwear as part of your PA duties."
I cocked a brow. "Only your underwear? How very specific."
"I'll get Neil to do my clothes, but I thought I'd save the honour of my dirty jocks for you," he said and winked.
"Delightful," I chuckled.
"How about this, if you do mine I'll do yours."
"Oh, romantic."
"Only for you, Reyrey," he said, using my old pet name. It was the first time he'd used it in over two years and I felt . . . conflicted. Although, it was going to happen eventually the more time we spent together.
I took a moment to look out the window as the world whizzed by. In two hours we'd be in another country. I'd be in a strange place and Trevor would be the only familiar thing. I needed to prepare, needed to steel myself. Trev Cross was like honey. I was naturally drawn to his sweetness, but was wary to get too close. We needed to stay friends. I wanted him in my life as a friend, because everything else aside, I _had_ missed him. But I was wiser now. I'd been scarred before by his neglect.
_I wouldn't melt for his charms like I always used to . . ._
# Seven.
### Past.
Saturday gigs paid the best money, but I hadn't wanted to play tonight. I'd been two seconds away from cancelling when I forced myself to get a grip. Trev was just busy. That was the reason I hadn't heard from him all week. That _had_ to be the reason.
I brushed some powder over my cheeks, lined my eyes heavily with black, and donned a long purple dress. It was sleeveless but draped nicely over my hips, covering those parts I was always so conscious of. Was that why Trev wasn't calling? Had seeing me naked turned him off?
No, that couldn't be it. If it was, then he wouldn't have been so . . . verbal in expressing his pleasure.
The club's MC announced my set and I walked out onto the stage, a black veil over my face, my stage name "Queenie" scrawled along my left arm in gold sharpie. I wondered vaguely if it would be hard to scrub off. The crowd cheered, albeit drunkenly, and I took a seat at my keyboard. I carefully drew the veil back and started to play.
It always took me a few songs to get comfortable. But then, when that perfect moment hit, where I was one with my voice and my instrument, I felt like I was soaring, gliding through air. I started the final song of my set, a new one I'd penned just a few days ago. It was called "Completely Incomplete."
_My hand without fingers_
_My song without words_
_This is what it feels like when you're not in my world_
_Com-com-com-completely incomplete_
* * *
_M y eyes without vision_
_My voice without sound_
_This what I become when you're not around_
_Com-com-com-completely incomplete_
The upbeat piano ditty was at odds with my mournful lyrics. A chill fell over me and I opened my eyes. There in the middle of the crowd stood Trev. His bright blue gaze caught the light and glowed. He was half demon, half angel. Everything I ever wanted but never took. I pounded the keys with more force, sweat trickled down the middle of my spine, and a dull ache swelled inside me.
His presence made me forget how much it hurt when he didn't call. He made me forget everything that came before. All I felt was the moment, whittled down to one single emotion.
_Want_.
It was a base instinct, one I couldn't control. I finished my set and stood as the crowd whistled and clapped. When I entered the backstage area and stumbled into my tiny dressing room, I felt drunk, even though I hadn't taken a drop of alcohol. Foggy headed. There was an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, like the devil beckoning me with the promise of everlasting pleasure, urging me to take his hand.
I felt Trev get nearer, some sixth sense knew he was coming, then he pulled back the curtain separating the tiny nook of a dressing room from the corridor. My fingers shook as I lifted a makeup wipe to clean my face. My eyes went to him, but I didn't speak.
"Hey," he breathed. His hair was messy and his clothes rumpled. There were bags under his eyes that spoke of sleepless nights.
"Rough day?" I asked, quiet, subdued, while on the inside I was edgy, skittish, _tense_.
He stepped past the curtain and pulled it over, shrouding us in a cloak of false privacy. You could still hear the noise of the club, still hear the footsteps going to and fro. I watched as he ran a hand down his face and exhaled heavily. He came and sat on the edge of the dressing table.
"Rough _week_ ," he answered, his attention wandering over my face and down to my cleavage. A twinge of desire flittered through me like feathery wings beating in my belly.
"Want to talk about it?"
His expression softened and I was gifted with a rare moment of the real Trev, the one who had fears and hopes and dreams. "Not really."
"Okay."
He sighed. "It's just, the TV people don't think the show is going to be strong enough with only three of us. They want to audition others. Callum's been up in arms about it." He paused and rolled his eyes. "You know how delicate his ego can be. I don't care about sharing the spotlight, I just don't want other people coming in and taking a cut of the money. James is trying to be diplomatic about it, but I know he's quietly pissed, too."
I wasn't surprised that Trev cared more about the money than the spotlight, even though most people would've thought it was the opposite. He'd been so poor as a kid that money meant more to him than material things. It meant safety, security. It meant not being at the mercy of another person ever again.
"You guys know lots of other free runners. Just pick the ones you think you'll get along with best and put them forward as candidates."
"Yeah, maybe," he said and went silent as I began packing away my things. He watched me with a heat so potent it felt like a physical touch. My skin beaded as I reached by him to grab my make-up bag. He caught my hand, his thumb brushing over the delicate inside of my wrist. My throat constricted as I glanced up to meet his eyes.
"Can we go back to yours?" he asked huskily.
I opened my mouth to speak, then hesitated. My initial thought was to say yes, but instead I asked, "Why didn't you call me all week?"
Trev frowned like I was being a buzzkill. "I told you, things have been crazy."
My brows rose. "Too crazy for a five-minute phone call?"
"I told you. It won't be like this forever. Everything's just moving really fast right now."
"Right," I said, an uneasiness taking hold. The spell broke, my indignation built. I was angry at how he ignored me for days then just thought he could show up and I'd do whatever we wanted. We hadn't had sex yet, not properly, and the expectation of it hung heavy in the air between us. It was something we both wanted desperately, I knew that, but maybe his intentions weren't as pure as mine. Showing up unannounced after a week of radio silence felt a lot like being used. I was worth more than that. I wasn't going to be his booty call, or whatever the hell this was.
I grabbed my bag and keyboard case and made my way out into the corridor. Trev followed heavy on my heels.
"You think I don't care about you," he said, guessing my thoughts.
"No. I know you care about me. You just don't care enough. I'm not asking for the world, Trev. I'm not asking for much at all, just a little respect."
He caught me by the wrist and tried to take my things. "Let me carry those."
I refused to let go and turned to face him. "You're only here because you want sex. Admit it."
Trev's expression transformed to one of disbelief. "You honestly think that?"
"What do you expect me to think? You say you want to be with me, but you still treat me like a buddy. This isn't how you treat a girlfriend, not even close."
He moved toward me, his chest bumping mine and stared me down. The intensity radiating off him was almost intimidating. "Teach me, then," he whispered.
I huffed a breath. "I'm not even sure if you're teachable. You don't know how to treat a girlfriend because nobody's ever demanded anything of you. No one's ever told you to act right, because they're too dazzled by how good-looking you are. They're too busy feeling blessed that you deign to grace them with your presence. Well, that's not going to be me. I'm not going to let you walk all over me like the other girls you've been with."
I felt a little awkward after I finished speaking, like I had to mentally step down off a podium or something. Trev didn't say a word, and his expression was unreadable. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Slowly, he reached down and took my bag and case. He set both items on the floor then took my face in his hands. I swallowed when he started backing me up into the wall. My shoulders met the cold concrete as he levelled me with a sincere look.
"I'm sorry," he said. "You're right. Everything you just said is true, but I don't act this way intentionally. Sometimes I can't help it."
I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew he had personal problems that made it difficult for him to be reliable, but I didn't completely understand them yet. It was hard to understand someone you could hardly get in touch with over the phone, never mind sit down and delve into sensitive issues. I eyed him warily. "Do you really mean that, or are you agreeing with me for the sake of peace?"
"No. People only like me because I'm pretty. I believe you."
"That's not what I meant and you know it," I sighed.
His thumb swiped over my bottom lip and I trembled. His voice lowered to a whisper. "What did you mean then, Reya?"
"I mean, people don't expect you to do certain things because of your looks and your charisma. They're just happy to be around you. And that's not your fault. It's theirs for being shallow. I'm trying not to be shallow, too."
Trev started to smile as he bent and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "That's why I love you," he whispered, and for a second time stood completely still. "You're the most honest person I know."
I pulled back and stared up at him, tiny acrobats doing backflips inside my chest. "What did you just say?"
# Eight.
The apartment was amazing. It was a penthouse and the balcony looked out over a large market square. And don't even get me started on the architecture. Absolutely beautiful.
There was a frenzy of activity as everyone got settled in their respective rooms. I hadn't a chance to check out the one I was sharing with Leanne yet, because Neil and I were too busy making various arrangements for the upcoming days. Although at times, I felt a bit superfluous, like I was fumbling in the dark and just slowing him down. At least he was a patient sort. Anyway, I was determined to learn the ropes quickly and actually be of some use.
I'd rounded the corner leading to the main bathroom when I overheard voices coming from Trev and Callum's room.
"Just try and be a bit nicer, yeah? I know Leanne looks tough, but that's only because she hides what she's really feeling. When you say shit like you did earlier, it upsets her," said Trev.
"But she looks at me with a face like thunder every single day. She's nice to everyone but me. She _talks_ to everyone but me," Callum argued. "How do you expect me to deal with that shit?"
"Aw, does it hurt your delicate feelings, puddin'?" Trev teased, and I heart a grunt from Callum.
"Piss off."
Trev chuckled before his voice sobered. "In all seriousness though, I thought you two made up. Now things seem even worse than before."
"It's not like the truce was optional," Callum replied. "Barry said that if we didn't kiss and make up we'd be kicked off the show. We didn't have another choice."
Barry was their director. He was a middle-aged guy I'd spotted around throughout the day. He was either staying in one of the other apartments with the camera crew, or he was at a hotel.
"So, you two didn't even talk things out? You just shook hands, promised to play nice and that was it?"
"Pretty much."
Trev swore under his breath. "You're going to have to talk to her. When we head out for dinner tonight, maybe take her aside and clear the air. As soon as we start filming the cameras will pick up on the tension, even if you think you're doing a good job of hiding it."
Knowing it was bad to eavesdrop, I quietly continued to the bathroom. I had to admit though, I was surprised by Trev's maturity. I'd never known him to be the peacekeeping type. In fact, he'd always been one of those people who craved chaos.
I shut the door to the large bathroom and went about my business. I'd be sharing this space with several other people for the next few days, which would be an experience. James and Paul's room had an en-suite, but the rest of us were stuck sharing this one. Don't get me wrong, it was big enough, with a large walk-in shower and separate tub, but I was used to having my privacy.
In fact, it was going to be a challenge being around people twenty-four/seven in general. I'd lived alone for years, and I often found I needed time on my own to recharge after being around others for prolonged periods. Needless to say, the next few weeks would be a learning curve.
When I came back out, everyone had gathered in the communal kitchen and living area. I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and went to wash it under the tap as they discussed dinner arrangements.
"There are a few steakhouses nearby if that's what everyone's in the mood for," said Neil, scrolling on his phone.
"What about night clubs?" Callum asked. "I think we should go out afterwards. Tomorrow's our only day off for a while so we should make the most of it."
"I'll do a search," said Neil, not looking up from his phone.
Trev came over as I took a seat by the counter and bit into the apple, leaving the others to continue their discussion.
"Hey, you okay for steak?" he asked, eyes wandering over me.
I tugged on the hem of my top and swallowed a bite of apple. "Actually, I think I'll just stay in. I'm tired."
He nodded, not taking his attention off me. "You want me to stay with you?"
I waved him away. "Nah, I'll be fine. I'm in the mood for an early night."
Something passed behind his eyes. Disappointment? "Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind. We're leaving in twenty minutes."
He disappeared around the corner leading to the bedrooms and I exhaled a breath. When I looked across the room I noticed Leanne studying me, her brows drawn.
"I'm calling a taxi," said Neil and they all dispersed to go get ready.
I slid off my stool and went out onto the balcony. Cool night air kissed my skin and I closed my eyes for a second, listening to the low hum of people and traffic down on the street. Voices trickled out and I froze. Having left the door open, I could hear Leanne and Callum's private conversation. It seemed eavesdropping was becoming an unexpected pastime of mine. Though given there were seven of us all in one apartment, it was going to be unavoidable.
"Can we talk a minute?" Callum asked. I stared out over the city at the stars dotting the skyline. I wanted to shut the door, but I knew it'd look too obvious. Plus, I was curious. Okay, _nosy_ was probably the more appropriate word.
"About what?" Leanne asked back, her voice hard.
"Jesus. You always have to use that tone." Callum swore and there was something about how he spoke that sounded different. Maybe it was because they were alone, but his usual cocksure attitude was gone.
"What do you want, Cal?" I could just imagine her folding her arms.
"I'm sick of this bullshit between us. We've both had our fair share of pain, and I think it's enough now. I want to call a truce, a real one this time."
There was a long silence. Leanne was probably trying to figure out if he was being genuine.
"You're the one who starts it every time. I only react to the crap that comes out of your mouth."
"Well, I'll try not to talk so much crap then."
Neither one of them spoke, and it was so quiet I started to wonder if they'd left. But then Leanne said, "I know we always used to give each other shit, but it was friendly jibing. What happened to make you suddenly hate me?"
"You know what happened." His voice cracked a little.
I heard Leanne sigh. "That's not what I meant, I just meant—"
There was some shuffling, then, "I don't fucking hate you."
More shuffling. It made me so curious that I turned and peeked inside on instinct. Callum had his hand on Leanne's neck. He slid it up so that he was cupping her cheek and I had to hold in a gasp. Wow. That definitely wasn't what I expected to see.
He lifted his other hand and cupped the other side of her neck. He was looking at her so intensely I had to turn away. It felt like I was encroaching on an extremely private moment.
"I could never fucking hate you," he said on a raspy exhale, and that was the last I heard. I moved farther onto the balcony and sat down on a deck chair. My mind raced, wondering if they were in there kissing right now, or tearing each other's clothes off. The chemistry between them was off the charts. I'd seen glimpses of it on the show, but that was nothing compared to real life.
I ate my apple and soaked up the night view until someone stepped out to join me. I suspected it was Trev before I saw him. He sat next to me and I allowed myself a glance. It looked like he'd taken a quick shower and had put on a nice shirt with a pair of designer-looking jeans.
"Out to impress tonight, are we?" I asked teasingly.
He grinned, his eyes alight. "I'm always out to impress. You change your mind about coming?"
"No, I'll just make something to eat here. I really am exhausted." Trev seemed to respect my answer and a quiet moment passed before I went on, "I heard you talking to Callum earlier."
"Yeah?"
"When you were telling him he should be nicer to Leanne. That was kind of you."
"You asked me to do it."
"I know, but you didn't have to."
Something in his expression intensified. "I'd do just about anything you asked of me, Reya."
I thought that was an odd thing to say, and it made my belly twist with an unwelcome longing. I pushed it back and gave him a curious look. "Okay."
Trev laughed softly. "I'm freaking you out, aren't I?"
"A little," I admitted.
He looked out onto the city. "Sorry. I've just missed you. I still can't believe you decided to come. I'm fucking happy you're here."
"Why?" I asked, because I genuinely wanted to know. He'd gone more than two years without me, never once seeking me out. If he missed me so much, why hadn't he tried making contact?
He didn't hesitate to answer. "Because you're the best friend I've ever had, and losing you is my biggest regret, the worst thing that ever happened to me."
I was speechless. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe he'd wanted to make contact but was afraid I'd shut him out again. Was it possible that he'd dialled my number countless times but never built up the courage hit 'call'? It seemed so unlike him. When we were friends he did everything on impulse. He never stopped to think about the possibility of rejection, to weigh the pros and cons. He just acted.
"You've changed," I breathed. I felt so discombobulated.
"Is that a good thing?" he asked.
"You're like a proper grown-up now," I said, ignoring his question and he laughed again.
"As compared to . . ."
I chuckled. "As compared to the chaotic, Peter Pan man-boy you were before."
His smile was wide. "Hey, I wasn't that bad."
"No, you weren't bad at all. You were just different. Like I said, you've changed."
"You have, too."
This surprised me. "I have?"
He reached out and gently caressed my cheek. "You look at me different. I'm not too sure I like it."
"Oh, you mean I don't have all those stars in my eyes anymore?" I asked with a wry grin.
Trev shrugged, still smiling. "Maybe. I liked it when you used to look at me like I was the greatest person in the whole world. I used to live for those looks."
I narrowed my gaze. "You're lying."
"I'm not. Those big, innocent brown eyes of yours were so transparent. You were obsessed with me."
His comment made me self-conscious. "I wasn't _obsessed_." _I was_.
He nudged me with his elbow. "Come on, you know it's true. Besides, I was obsessed with you, too. I was just better at hiding it."
I rolled my eyes. "Now I know you're lying."
"Reya, I'm not lying," he said, turning to face me head-on, daring me to challenge his assertion.
"How long?"
"How long what?"
I swallowed down the knot in my throat. "How long did you feel that way?"
He didn't answer for several seconds. Instead his gaze wandered over my cheeks, down my nose, resting on my lips before moving back up to my eyes. "Since the night I first saw you perform."
I let out a loud, disbelieving laugh. "You're full of shit."
One eyebrow rose. "Wanna bet?"
"Sure, because I know I'll win. You couldn't have cared less about me that night. I was a momentary bit of entertainment."
His expression was self-recriminating, like he felt guilty for giving me that impression, and I had to look away. There was too much affection in his gaze. Too many silent apologies. A second later the door opened and James poked his head out.
"Trev, the taxi's here. You ready?"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute."
James left and we were alone again. I stared straight ahead. The wind blew through my hair and Trev lifted a strand between his fingers. I didn't move a muscle. When he spoke his voice was low, fervent. "One thing you never realised about me, Reya: I've got an incredible poker face. I can make it seem like I don't care when I care too much. I can make it seem like I'm not paying attention when I'm really watching your every move. I know. Because that's what I used to do."
I swallowed and he stood, moving to the glass door. "We'll be gone a couple hours. Text me if you need anything."
I only nodded and then he went. My heart raced. I lifted my hand to my chest, willing it to slow down, but it was no use. What Trev said had me scrambling through old memories, looking at them for clues to the truth.
_Had he really been as besotted with me as I was with him?_
# Nine.
When I heard everyone leave, I went back inside the empty apartment. I felt exhausted before I spoke to Trev, but now I was wide awake. Buzzed. He had a knack for getting me all worked up like that.
I walked around, ducking my head in each room, searching for a distraction. When I came up empty I went into the room I shared with Leanne and pulled my keyboard from its case. I messed around with a song I was working on, trying out lyrics to see which ones fit the melody.
I lost track of time as I ran through song after song, figuring out a set list for Wednesday night. I was excited. This would be my first time playing a gig outside of the U.K. I wondered about the people who might come to see me play. What would they think of my songs? Would my lyrics touch them somehow? Mean something?
I wasn't sure why, but it always felt so important to get people to emote. I wanted to know they felt how I felt. I wanted to reach them in a real and powerful way. Sometimes I wished for my words to reach thousands, even hundreds of thousands, but the only way to do that was to become famous, and my introverted nature wholly rejected the idea. Not that fame would be so easy to achieve anyway. I was content playing my obscure little shows every week, so long as I had enough money to put food on the table.
After a while I curled up in bed and scribbled down lyrics until I fell asleep with my face flat on the paper. I woke to the sound of voices and a heavy bladder. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and went to use the bathroom.
I tried doing my business and sneaking back to bed unnoticed but it wasn't to be. Before I reached my door, Paul came down the hallway, a friendly smile in place.
"Reya, we missed you at dinner. We're having drinks in the living room if you want to come join us?"
I tugged my cardigan tighter over my shoulders and glanced by him down the hallway. I could hear female voices. They must've gone to a club like Callum wanted and invited some girls back. That definitely wasn't something I wanted any part in, especially not if Trev was 'romancing' one of them. And especially not in my uber-sexy leggings, T-shirt and cardigan ensemble.
"I don't think—"
Before I could finish my sentence, Paul grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the action. My heart hammered as he slid his fingers through mine and gave a squeeze. I glanced at him and there was something in his eyes that made me suspect he knew how I felt and empathised. But if that were true, then why was he pulling me into the lion's den?
Paul led me over to sit on one of the couches next to James. Callum was on the other couch, an attractive brunette on one side of him and Leanne and Neil on the other. Leanne was deep in conversation with Neil, but I wondered if she was simply trying to ignore Callum and the girl he was with.
There was a small love seat where two other girls sat, both attractive and wearing skimpy outfits. And both of them were eyeing Trev like a prized cut of beef, or you know, a prized hook-up. He stood by the door leading out to the balcony, talking on the phone. His eyes met mine for a brief second, his attention going to Paul's hand on mine. On instinct I let go, drawing my hand into my lap. A deep frown marred his features.
"Reya, you should've come out with us. You missed a great night," Callum said jovially as the brunette ran a seductive hand across his chest.
"Looks like the night isn't over yet," I remarked.
He grinned, tipping a glass of whiskey to his lips and murmuring lasciviously, "With a bit of luck."
Leanne appeared to stiffen, like she was listening to Callum's every word while continuing to chat with Neil.
"How was the restaurant?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to indulge whatever game Callum was playing this time. In truth, his behaviour galled me, especially considering the conversation I overheard between him and Leanne earlier. There was obviously something between them and he was flaunting a potential one-night stand in her face. It was a dirty tactic, cruel, and I didn't like people who sunk to such low levels.
"Fantastic," James answered. "Best meal I've had in ages."
When I caught Trev's eye a second time he seemed fixated on how close Paul and I were sitting. I watched as he ended his call, shoved his phone in his pocket, and came toward us. He didn't say a word but Paul moved and let him slide in between us nonetheless. It was interesting how he could silently communicate possession like that. He had no say over me, not anymore, but I could still tell he didn't like the idea of Paul and me becoming close.
His arm rested along the back of the couch, just an inch or two away from my shoulders, and I could feel his heat. When he bent to ask, "You want a drink?" I felt the words sizzle their way to the pit of my stomach.
"No, thank you."
"Did we wake you?" he went on, his voice low and intimate.
"Yeah, but don't worry about it."
"You want me to tell them to turn the music down?"
"No, that's fine."
"I love this song!" one of the nameless girls exclaimed in a Belgian accent, jumping up from her seat and shimmying her hips. I imagined it was an attempt to garner attention from the men. I convinced myself I wasn't bothered. I wasn't here to compete for anyone's attention. Not even Trev's.
Leanne arched a brow and our eyes connected for a moment. We were both less than thrilled about the situation. I was about to ask her if she felt like heading to bed, since we were sharing a room, but then Callum spoke.
"How about a game of strip poker? Winner gets two grand."
"And who's putting up the two grand?" James asked casually.
"We can all throw in a few hundred," Callum answered, like it was obvious, then levelled his eyes on Trev. "You in?"
Trev shook his head. "You know I don't have a few hundred. At least, I don't have access to it."
"Oh, come on. I'm sure you can cobble it together."
"Sorry, bud. You can't take the trousers off a bare backside. I'm skint, technically speaking."
I turned to study him. "You can't access your money?"
Trev sliced his teeth across his lower lip, considering his answer a moment, then finally said, "Nope. Impulse-control issues."
Well, that was vague.
"He bought a Ferrari and management lost their shit. Told him he needed to put a lock on his accounts," Paul explained. "Oh, and didn't you want to get a diamond necklace for Nicole's birthday last year?"
I stiffened at the mention of his ex, my ears pricked to hear Trev's answer.
"Actually, that was probably the only bad spending idea that wasn't mine."
"She asked for it?" Callum put in, laughing. "I always knew she was brazen."
"Did you let her keep it after you broke up?" I asked. I had no idea how much diamonds cost, only that it was usually thousands, if not hundreds of thousands.
"I was hardly going to take it back. A gift's a gift. Anyway, now if I want to access anything over my weekly allowance it takes five days to free up the cash. That way I can't buy stuff in the heat of the moment. It's worked well so far. After about a day I tend to realise I don't really need a solid-gold statue of a South American jaguar to put in my living room," he said with a hint of self-deprecation.
"It would be kind of gangsta though." Paul chuckled just as there was a knock on the door.
"That'll be the pizza," said Neil, hurrying to answer it.
"Didn't you all just eat dinner?" I asked, glancing around the group, still worrying over Trev's spending issues. I'd never known him to be like that before, but then again, he was just as poor as me back then. You can't spend money you don't have.
"That was three hours ago," said Leanne. "You'll soon learn this lot never stop eating. It's like a constant feeding frenzy."
"Hey! We're growing boys. Tiny people like you just don't understand our appetites," said Paul playfully.
"I have an appetite," Leanne threw back. "I just don't eat like a flippin' elephant."
I smelled the melted cheese as soon as Neil carried the boxes inside and set them down on the coffee table. My stomach grumbled. I hadn't eaten since lunch.
"You didn't eat anything, did you?" said Trev. He knew me well enough to know my hungry face when he saw it.
I shook my head and he smiled as he bent forward to grab one of the boxes. He threw it open and gestured at all the cheesy, tomato-y goodness. "Have at it."
I picked up a slice and took a bite, resisting the urge to groan at how good it tasted. Flicking my gaze to the side I found Trev watching intently. I swallowed, both self-consciousness and the pizza, and tried to ignore the heat radiating from him.
Everyone dug in, even the nameless Belgian girls. One of them tried sliding onto the couch between Trev and me, but he held out a hand to stop her.
"No room, hon."
She batted her lashes at him. "There's room on your lap . . ."
"Nah, you're all right."
I stifled a laugh at his casually disinterested response. Back in the day, Trev would've welcomed her onto his lap with open arms, whether I was in the room or not. This change in him was disconcerting, but in a good way. Her lips flattened in annoyance just as Callum interjected, "You can come sit on mine, babe. The more the merrier."
She flashed him a smile and sidled over to join the other woman already on his lap. Both Leanne and Neil got up from the couch, and Neil put his arm around Leanne's shoulders as though to comfort her. I knew exactly how she felt, because just a few years ago I was in her exact position, only I didn't have a Neil to comfort me.
Quick as a flash, Callum shoved the girls off his lap and went after them. "Where are you two going?"
"Leave her alone," said Neil, turning to face him. Neil wasn't a tall man, nor was he muscular like Callum, but he had a quiet strength about him that was an equal match for Callum's overt masculinity.
"What makes you think you have a say?"
"Come on, man. She's been through enough."
"What she's been through is none of your business," Callum gritted his teeth.
I glanced at Trev and saw he was on the edge of his seat, ready to jump in at any moment. I was just glad the cameras weren't being set up in the apartment until tomorrow, otherwise the TV producers would've been able to use this drama as fodder for the show. I'd barely spent a day with them, but oddly enough, I found myself caring about the group. Even Callum. He was basically Trev two years ago, so I knew there must've been underlying issues causing his behaviour.
"Neil's right. You should leave me alone," said Leanne, her voice a little wobbly. It was difficult reconciling this emotional girl with the stoic, badass chick I knew from the show. "I'm going to bed," she went on and turned toward the bedrooms.
Callum went after her and Neil grabbed him by the shoulder to try and stop him. Trev jumped up from his seat and in a flash he was between the two men. "Let's not start this series on a row, yeah?"
"I'm just trying to help Leanne," said Neil, standing firm.
"And I just want to talk to her for a minute," said Callum, turning and striding towards the bedrooms after Leanne. Both Neil and Trev went after him, but a second later I heard a door slam shut.
"Get out!" Leanne yelled. She and Callum started having an argument but the closed door muted what they were saying.
"Is it always like this?" I asked Paul.
He let out a quiet sigh. "Not always. It's been worse the last few months."
"Yeah well, that's what happens when you sleep with your best friend," said James, sounding tired. His words struck a chord with me.
_Of course they did._
I knew exactly how sleeping with your best friend could ruin everything.
# Ten.
### Past.
"I said I love you," Trev breathed, his eyes electric.
Conflicting emotions warred within me, all of them fighting for attention at once. Surprise. Fear. Apprehension. Excitement. Worry. I was terrified that even if he was telling the truth, it wouldn't last very long. He was always so changeable, always so unpredictable. The things he wanted could flip from one moment to the next. The emotions he felt could change in an instant.
"Don't just leave me hanging, Reya," he pleaded, and I'd never seen him look so vulnerable.
"You love me?" I whispered, doing my best to hold it together.
He nodded, and his hands drifted downward from my cheeks, along my neck to rest on my shoulders. "I love you most of all."
I slowly moved my head from side to side in disbelief. "This is a lot to take in."
His lips curved in a warm, tender smile. "Then take your time."
_I love you most of all._
If that was true, then why did it always feel like I was last on his list? Why did it feel like everything— _everyone_ —else took precedence over our time together? Trev slid his fingers through mine, lifted my case and bag with his other hand, and led me from the club.
"Where are we going?"
"I'm taking you home," he answered.
I didn't argue, mainly because I was too tired and my emotions had already been through the proverbial wringer this week. Trev flagged down a cab and I climbed inside while he called out my address to the driver. I stared out the window at the shining city lights, the streets busy with people as a thin drizzle dotted the windows of the black cab. I reached out and drew a heart in the condensation on the glass, wondering why my heart was always so unsure. Why was it so hard to know if someone was being truthful? Was I the problem or was he? Had my messed-up past made me incapable of trust?
Trev pulled my hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to the inside of my wrist, distracting me from my worrying thoughts. He held my gaze as he began planting kisses down the length of my inner forearm. I hitched a breath at the sexy look in his eyes, mesmerised, back under his spell.
He shifted closer and tugged the strap of my dress down over my shoulder. I trembled when he brought his mouth to the hollow of my neck and licked, his lips making a journey south. A small sigh escaped me and the driver very loudly cleared his throat. We snapped apart and I pulled my strap back into place. Trev had me so wound up I left my coat back at the club.
I made a mental note to collect it in the morning and fixed my attention on the passing street. If Trev had his way we'd probably be shagging in the back of this cab, driver or no driver.
He paid the fare when we arrived at my flat and insisted on carrying my things inside. I was of half a mind to tell him to go home, but the other half won out. The horny half. As much as I resented him for his absence all week, my heart and body were greedy for his presence, especially after what he said back at the club.
My hand shook as I tried to slot my key in the door. After a few failed attempts Trev caught my fingers in his.
"Let me," he murmured sliding the key out of my grasp.
I allowed him to open the door, and a moment later we were inside my flat. Since it was a studio, there wasn't really anywhere to hide. I stood by my sofa and watched as Trev set my things at the foot of my bed. When he was done we just stared at each other for a long moment. The air crackled and fizzled between us.
I felt like things were still open-ended, like he was waiting for me to say I loved him, too. I did love him, I'd loved him for years, and was sure it was for far longer than he'd loved me. I was just too afraid to say it. Once it was out there, there was no taking it back. It felt like I'd be handing him the bullet to shoot me with, and I just couldn't be that vulnerable.
He wore an intense expression when he finally spoke. "Take off your dress."
My skin felt too tight as I swallowed. There was a vibe about him now. Something had come over him and I clenched my thighs in longing. He looked like he wanted to devour me. However, for some strange reason, I had an odd need to be defiant.
"No."
His nostrils flared and the tiniest smirk crossed his features. "Take. It. Off."
"Make me."
His gaze travelled down my body and back up, his eyes going soft, intimate, like caramel. "Take it off for me, Reya."
I couldn't resist that tone, nor the way his voice caressed my name. My stomach quivered as I brought my hands to the straps of my dress and tugged down until my bra was exposed. It was bronze and lacy. Trev exhaled a loud breath where he stood on the other side of the room, watching me. I met his gaze and continued lowering my dress until it fell to the floor at my ankles.
There was something about how he looked at me that made me feel brave. Sexy. Powerful. I'd never really felt like that with past boyfriends. Sex was always a means to an end. A quick release that left you feeling awkward and embarrassed in the cold light of post-orgasmic reality. Trev was different. _He_ made me feel electric, like I might be hurtling off the edge of a cliff, but I was going to enjoy every single second before I hit the ground.
It was illogical and dangerous. Fatal, really. But I still jumped every time.
"Your underwear, too," he said, his voice thick with arousal. "Take everything off."
I was too wrapped up in the game. There was no hope in stopping. Every molecule in the room felt charged, full of desire. Silently, slowly, I slipped my bra straps down, then reached around to unclip the back. It fell to the floor with my dress and my nipples beaded as soon as the air hit them. Trev exhaled loudly, his eyes tracing my breasts, my stomach and hips, before venturing downward. He didn't have to say a word. I knew what he wanted.
I pulled my knickers off, still moving slowly, until they joined the rest of my things on the floor. A long moment passed while Trev's gaze devoured every inch of me. I'd never felt so turned on— _so alive_ —in my entire life.
"Get on the bed," he said next. "On your hands and knees."
My stomach quivered as he started to unbuckle his belt, his movements confident and sure. As I stepped over to the bed my breathing grew choppy and uneven.
"Face away from me," he went on, a direct order.
My stomach flipped. I did as he asked until I was on all fours, completely exposed to him. The fact that I couldn't see him, could only hear the soft shuffle of fabric as he undressed, only heightened my sensitivity. My thighs trembled at the idea of him looking at me like this, taking all of me in.
A second later a warm hand touched my hip, moving up and over my ribs to cup my breast. I whimpered as he bent over me, pressing his lips to the base of my spine. His other hand slid between my legs, his fingers touching my wet folds. He hissed a breath, and his hand left me. There was some movement, and then I felt the heat of his cock.
Panic flared and I tensed just as he whispered, "Don't worry. I'm wearing a rubber. I'd never do that to you, Reya."
Relief flooded me and I moaned when he pinched my nipple, his hand drifting up to grip my hair in a fist. He tugged just enough to turn my head, my eyes meeting his in the dimly lit room. There was an edge of pain as he tugged a little harder, then positioned himself more firmly between my thighs. He never broke eye contact as he slowly pushed inside me. I cried out at the invasion. It had been a while since I had sex and warmth suffused my skin with a light sheen of perspiration.
He never dropped my gaze, his hips moving in a tantalising rhythm as he thrust in and out, building to an exquisite crescendo. This was hard, brutal fucking, but a part of me also felt like we were making love, even though there wasn't much that was romantic about it. Trev's fingers splayed out on my stomach, holding me in place as his thrusts quickened brutally.
His hand moved down until he found my clit and began to rub. I moaned loudly and he tugged on my hair, causing a sharp burst of pain to shoot through my scalp. It mixed with the intense, building pleasure he elicited with his skilled hand. His cock hit every perfect spot inside me, and combined with his deft manipulation of my clit, I came with a sharp, breathless cry.
"Fuck, you feel incredible, so perfect," he groaned and thrust harder until his body grew still and tense. I felt his heat when he came with a muffled swearword, his teeth biting into my neck.
I shivered when his orgasm subsided and he pulled me down onto the bed. I lay on my back, sated, while he pulled the covers back to draw them over us.
"Did you feel that, too?" he whispered, but I was too overwhelmed to answer. Not to mention, I wasn't exactly sure what he was referring to. My head was too foggy to think straight.
"Did you feel it, Reya?" he whispered again.
"Mm-hmm," I mumbled sleepily as he spooned me under the duvet. His hand drew lazy circles on my hip and my eyes drifted closed. I was losing consciousness when I heard him continue with a note of awe, "I never knew it could be like that."
The morning light woke me while Trev snored quietly at my back. The room smelled . . . well, it smelled like sex. The previous night's events flooded my memory, an elastic band systematically loosening and tightening around my gut. Needless to say, I had mixed emotions about the whole thing.
On the one hand, Trev had ignored me all week and instead of punishing him for it, I'd given him exactly what he wanted. I was a weak, lily-livered excuse for a woman. But on the other hand, he had confessed he was in love with me. It was difficult to stand your ground when a man like Trev confesses his love. Your brain screamed pointlessly at you not to give in, while your heart melted at his feet. Your heart said his love was real, but your brain called it a passing fancy.
So yeah, mixed emotions.
I climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom, needing a shower to clear my head. When I stepped under the warm spray, I still wasn't sure how I felt about anything. Through the years, I'd imagined countless scenarios where Trev finally came clean about his feelings, and now that it had happened I was experiencing some sort of immeasurable disappointment.
Maybe I'd been unlucky in love so many times that I was now too cynical to believe his love was real.
I was lathering shampoo into my hair when the bathroom door opened and Trev came inside. My pores drew tight when he wordlessly stepped into the shower behind me, still naked from the night before, and curled his arms around my waist.
"Hey," he murmured, his entire bare body pressed into my back. It felt surreal. I was naked in the shower with Trev. I was naked in the shower with my best friend.
"Morning," I answered back, quietly nervous.
Trev chuckled, his voice a husky rasp. "Don't go shy on me now, Reya. I've only just gotten started."
His hard cock pressed into the base of my spine. I was entirely too aroused and ached for him to slide inside me. I knew he couldn't though, not without a condom, and I wasn't sure how well condoms worked in the shower anyway. I'd never tried.
"I want to fuck you again," he said, his mouth on my earlobe. He licked and sucked until I was a melting puddle of horny goo. "You know, say good morning properly," he went on.
_I want that, too. More than anything._
"I'm trying to shower," I replied croakily.
"Then let me help."
I went quiet as his hands journeyed about my naked, wet skin. He explored without hesitation, every aching, needful inch of me. He grabbed the bottle of shower gel and squirted some into his palm, then made a lather before rubbing his hands over my shoulders, down my back, and around to massage my breasts.
I whimpered when he finally dipped down between my legs and rubbed. I arched my spine, moving against his erection instinctively as his hips rutted into the soft cushion of my arse. We came almost in unison. I was just a few seconds behind him.
I wasn't sure why we were so attuned to one another sexually. Maybe it was because we'd known each other for such a long time. There was comfort there, an inherent knowledge of the other's needs and rhythms.
By the time we left the shower I was ready to go back to sleep—sexually exhausted. I put on a robe and handed Trev a towel to dry off. I left him in the bathroom and went out to see what there was for breakfast. His phone started ringing and I picked up his jacket to search the pockets. My hand met something plastic, but it wasn't his phone. Pulling it out, I found a jar of pills. My eyes scanned the label before I could stop myself. It was a medication called Strattera, but I didn't recognise it.
Trev must've heard his phone, because he stepped out of the bathroom. He stopped when he saw what I was holding, his mouth forming a thin line. Whoever was calling must've been put through to voicemail because the ringing stopped.
"I wasn't snooping. I was looking for your phone," I blurted awkwardly, and he came and took the pills off me. I noticed the container was pretty full.
"Selective noradrenaline re-uptake inhibitors," he said quietly, his eyes downcast.
I furrowed my brow, confused. "Huh?"
"The pills. That's what they do. They're supposed to help me deal with my . . . issues."
Oh. Realisation dawned and I felt terrible. This was Trev's ADHD medication, little blue and yellow pills to help him stay balanced. I studied him, noting the agitated edge to his posture.
"Oh well, again, I'm sorry. I meant it when I said I wasn't snooping." Pinpricks stabbed at my chest; the excuse sounded so lame.
Trev ran a hand through his air, looking self-conscious, which was a rare sight for him. "Yeah. I've stopped taking them, so it doesn't matter anyway."
"You've stopped? Why?" I asked with concern.
"They fuck my head up. Give me migraines, and I can't fucking sleep when I take them either."
"Ah," I said, a knot of worry coiling in my stomach. I remembered how tired he looked when he showed up at my gig yesterday. "That's not good."
"No, it isn't. Not to mention the fact that last night wouldn't have happened if I was still on them."
I frowned, not completely understanding.
He stared at the floor before his eyes lifted to mine, everything about his demeanour uncomfortable. "One of the side effects is not being able to get it up. They can piss off if they think I'm gonna spend the rest of my life like that. If this is what everyone else feels like they can fucking have it."
I stepped closer and took his hand in mine. When Trev told me he was going to start taking medication, I naively imagined it would be an immediate fix, a miracle cure for all his problems. I didn't think of the side effects, or how pills affected everyone differently. I didn't realize he might be suffering even worse just to make the rest of the world feel better. Just to act in a way that didn't put people on edge, while inwardly he was dying.
"That isn't how everyone else feels, Trev, and if this is how the pills affect you, you shouldn't be taking them. Talk to your doctor about your options, maybe he could have you switch to a different treatment."
His blue eyes came to mine, and I suddenly saw the tremendous stress he was under. So many expectations now that he was going to be the star of his own reality show. The world was going to pick him apart, put a microscope over every crack to see what weak spots they could find. And though on the surface Trev had the polished, pretty-boy looks of a movie star, there were fractures underneath, so many of them just waiting to make him bow under the pressure.
He pulled me into his arms, his hug so tight it almost knocked the wind out of me.
"Don't let me fuck everything up, Reyrey," he whispered.
"I won't," I murmured, struck by the fervency of his request. Maybe he considered himself his own worst enemy, _his_ mind his biggest challenge to overcome. Squeezing him back, I hoped he heard the seriousness in my words.
"I promise."
# Eleven.
"Let's just leave them to work it out between themselves," said Trev to Neil as he led him back out into the living room.
"He's locked her in with him. He can't do that," Neil argued, agitation in his posture.
"I know, but they're talking now. Maybe they'll come to an understanding if we just give them some privacy."
I wasn't so sure about that, especially considering Leanne and Callum already had a heart-to-heart earlier and it hadn't achieved much. Although saying that, I hadn't been privy to the entire exchange. Anything could've been said after I stopped listening, and anything could've happened while they were out tonight.
James wished me goodnight while Paul gathered the Belgian girls and led them to the door, explaining that the 'party' was over. Not that it had been much of a party. They didn't seem too happy about being dismissed, but they didn't make a fuss either. Neil went to his own room and I glanced at Trev.
"Looks like I'm bedding down on the couch tonight."
He frowned. "Why?"
I gestured toward the bedrooms. "My room is occupied."
He scratched at the day-old stubble on his chin. "Ah, right." He went quiet, thinking on it a minute, then said, "You can take my bed."
I wasn't surprised by the offer, but I shrugged it off nonetheless, even though I was exhausted. Now that I had a belly full of pizza I was so ready to go back to sleep.
"Don't worry about it. The couch will be fine. Plus, I already got a few hours while you lot were out. You need to sleep more than I do."
Trev strode across the room and took my hand, pulling me up from the couch. "Take my bed, Reya. I haven't even slept in it yet so you don't have to worry about my man-germs," he teased. "Plus, I'll just kip in Callum's until he decides to come back."
I didn't protest, mainly because he was right. He hadn't slept in the bed. Technically, it wasn't even his yet. Because yes, although I wasn't concerned about 'man-germs', I was concerned about his scent on the sheets. That wasn't something I felt equipped to handle.
When we entered the bedroom, Trev pulled back the duvet and gestured for me to get in. I rolled my eyes at his mothering and climbed under, not bothered to take my clothes off. They were lounge clothes that could basically double as PJs anyway.
Trev got into Callum's bed and flicked off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. I didn't immediately relax, too aware of my breathing and the fact that Trev was literally only a few feet away. My memories from that night we spent together were still in my head, twisting me up inside. It was funny how clearly you could see things you were blind to in the past when you took the time to look back.
Back then I thought I was being loyal. I thought I was being there for him and he was taking me for granted. But maybe he had more going on than I could have possibly imagined. Maybe he was suffering in a way no one else could see.
"Trev," I whispered in the darkened room.
"Yeah?" he answered, his voice sleepy.
"Can I ask a personal question?"
"Go for it," he went on, a little more alert.
It took me a few moments to get the words out. "Are you taking medication now?"
He hesitated for a second, then said, "Yes."
"Is it the same stuff as before?"
His response was subdued. "No, it's not the same."
"Oh. That's . . . that's good."
Another silence fell.
"Why do you ask?" he questioned, curious.
"I was just thinking of that night you spent in my flat, and the morning after when I found your pills," I answered and heard him exhale. I knew he was remembering. The tension was so thick in the room you could almost see the events of the entire night splashed across the dark ceiling.
"I wish I knew then what I know now," he said sadly.
"What do you know now?"
"Lots of stuff."
"Such as?"
Another deep exhale. "I know that change takes time. I know that though it can help, money doesn't fix things. And I know that fame can be a chain around your ankles when you thought it would be a golden ticket to never-ending parties."
I laughed softly at that. "Well, they do say that parties are depressing when they never come to an end."
I could hear the smile in his voice when he asked, "Who are 'they'?"
"Okay, _they_ don't say it. _I_ say it, because it's true."
"That's because you hate parties," said Trev.
"I don't hate parties," I corrected him. "I hate parties with more than sixteen people, remember? It's an exact science."
"Ah yes," Trev chuckled, the sound hitting me right in the pit of my stomach. "The sixteen-person rule, I remember now. You were always so specific about that number."
"Any more and you can't have an interesting conversation. It just becomes a bunch of people standing around and nodding about mundane things they can't really hear anyway because the music's too loud."
"You know, I never understood why you hate loud music. You're a musician. You're supposed to love it."
"Loud music doesn't make it good music. Sometimes the best songs are the quiet ones."
There was a short silence before Trev said, "Remember that song you used to sing where you whispered the last few lines? Always gave me chills."
His words set a simmer low in my stomach. I knew exactly which song he was talking about. "Open Up," I said, my voice soft.
"Yeah, that one. You still sing it?"
"Sometimes."
"You should sing it on Wednesday at your gig," he murmured quietly. "I'd love to hear it again."
"I might."
"I'll live in hope," he said, somewhat wistfully.
I didn't speak, feeling tense, because there was something about our hushed conversation that felt too intimate.
"Okay, well, I suppose we should get some shut-eye, otherwise we'll be up all night," said Trev stiffly. So many of our conversations these days felt like a minefield. They veered from personal, to friendly, back to personal, to way too close and then to awkward.
"Goodnight," I whispered and turned over, tugging the duvet tight around me.
"Night, Reya."
When I blinked my eyes open the next morning it was to an almighty ruckus. Light filtered in through the curtains and I glanced across the room to see Trev was still asleep in Callum's bed. He shifted in place, cracked one eye open and asked tiredly, "What the hell are they doing out there?"
"I think it's the film crew. They must be setting up to record inside the apartment."
"Great," Trev grunted, grabbing a pillow and pulling it over his head to block out the noise. It sounded like someone was drilling, and I was fairly certain they didn't have permission to do that since the apartment was only a rental. Worried, I sat up, ran my fingers through my knotted, sleep-mussed hair and went to investigate.
An argument erupted as I padded down the hallway and arrived in the kitchen where Neil was reprimanding one of the camera crew. "You can't make any permanent alterations to the fixtures. Now we're going to have to pay for those holes you just drilled in the wall."
"I'm sorry," said the cameraman, who was young and looking very pale right then. "I didn't know."
Glancing around the apartment, there was lots of activity going on, with other members of the crew milling about. I almost laughed when I saw Callum sleeping like a baby on the couch, earplugs in to block out the noise. I wondered how long his battle of wills with Leanne had gone on for last night.
Seeing there was nothing I could really do about the noise, I went to my room and found Leanne and Paul sitting on her bed talking.
"I'm sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting. I just need to grab a few things and then I'll be out of your hair," I said, deciding to go out for the day and do some exploring while I had the chance.
"You're fine. Stay," said Leanne. "I'm so sorry about last night. You didn't even get to sleep in your bed."
I waved away her apology. "Don't worry about it. Trev volunteered his and he slept in Callum's."
"Ever the gentleman is our Trevor," said Paul with a grin.
I didn't indulge his teasing and focused my attention on Leanne. "Did you and Callum manage to patch things up?"
There must've been something in my gaze that made her feel vulnerable because she looked away. "Yeah, we, um, made friends."
"For as long as that lasts," Paul added ruefully, and Leanne nudged him in the side. "Ow, that hurt."
"You were asking for it," Leanne threw back then looked at me. "We must seem like such drama queens to you. It's just that . . . well," she paused, seeming embarrassed before she continued, "Cal tried to kiss me while we were out last night. I knocked him back and he invited those girls home because he was angry. I shouldn't have given him a reaction, but what can you do?"
"I don't think you're a drama queen. I've been through it all before, remember?"
She nodded. "Right. Well, I just wanted to make sure you don't hate me for locking you out of your own room."
I waved her away. "Like I said, it's fine. I'm just glad you two had a chance to sort things out."
"Got any plans for the day?" Paul asked, gazing up at me from his spot on Leanne's bed.
"I'm gonna try being a tourist on for size," I answered. "Seems like there's no sense in sticking around here."
"Can I come? I definitely need an excuse to get out of this apartment," asked Leanne.
"Sure. I'm just going to take a quick shower and then we can go."
In the end Paul decided to tag along with us. Trev was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal as we were leaving. He seemed a bit disappointed that we didn't invite him along, but I needed the distance. I was still digesting a lot of stuff.
The three of us did the whole tourist circuit around the city, and I got to know Leanne and Paul better away from the chaos of the impending filming. I liked them a lot, and by the end of the day our threesome had found a nice, comfortable rhythm.
Thankfully I got to spend the night in my own bed, and unlike the previous day, everyone was tucked up early. I guessed they all knew where their priorities lay. They had a full day of filming ahead and they needed to be fresh.
I was climbing the back stairs of an old, musty apartment building the following morning with Neil when I started to realise just how demanding this job was. Being a PA for these five wasn't all ordering lattes and arranging meetings over the phone. It was stunt permits, non-liability waivers, clearing streets and ensuring medics were on site should any injuries occur. I'd been up since the crack of dawn helping Neil.
When we stepped out onto the rooftop, I saw just how many people were involved in making the show. In my mind, it was simply the director and the film crew, but there were so many other professionals milling about, all with jobs to do.
Trev stood by the far corner of the roof talking to the director, Barry, while he limbered up and stretched. You'd think he'd be decked out in athletic gear, but instead he wore a hoodie, a pair of loose-fitting jeans and Nikes. In this get-up he reminded me so much of the boy I first met in a dark, crowded nightclub, the one who was full of smiles and easy charm.
He caught my eye and gestured for me to come over. I closed the distance between us and shot Barry a polite smile.
"I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Reya. She's filling in for Jo while we shoot."
"Nice to meet you, Reya," said Barry, reaching out to shake my hand. His expression was polite but businesslike. He looked like a man with a long string of tasks to complete—slightly harried. "I hope you're quick on your feet, otherwise this lot'll run rings around you."
"Oh, I'm aware," I replied with a laugh.
"Anyway, I better be off. I need to go talk to Callum."
When he was gone I turned to Trev. "That sounds serious."
"Not really. Somebody always needs to talk to Cal. It's like the sun rising in the morning," he joked, then continued more seriously. "Used to be they had to talk to me as well."
I smiled at him. "But not anymore because you're a grown-up now?"
He winked. "I'll never be a real grown-up and we both know it, but let's keep that our little secret, yeah?"
Something came over me with his wink and I folded my arms to keep from doing anything ridiculous—like swooning.
"Our little secret." I nodded.
"So how'd your day go with Leanne and Paul?" he asked, fluttering his eyelashes when he said Paul's name. I pinched him lightly on the arm, knowing he was teasing me for my crush. It wasn't really a crush. At least, it wasn't anymore. Now that I'd spent time with him I knew all I felt for Paul was friendship. I still admired him, because after all, he was extremely talented, but now he felt more like a little brother than anything else.
"It went fine. I had fun. Is this a camera?" I asked, poking at the contraption hooked up to the neckline of his hoodie. I guessed it was for all those first-person shots they used in the show.
"Hmm, why so thin on the details?" Trev asked back, ignoring my question. "Did you and Paul have a romantic smooch by the riverside or something?" He wasn't letting up.
I narrowed my gaze, refusing to let him get to me. "Why? Are you jealous?"
Trev walked around me, or should I say _prowled_. There was intensity to his movements, even though his eyes were smiling. I shifted, my back brushing the wall at the edge of the building as he penned me in. He tilted his head, his attention moving over my features when he finally answered, "Maybe."
My stomach flipped and our gazes held until Leanne interrupted us. "Hey, you two. Neil's handing out bottles of water if you want some."
Trev finally dragged his eyes away from mine. "Nah, I'm good."
"I'll go get one," I said, needing an escape. I felt Trev watch me as I walked away and like always, his attention had me questioning myself. What _was_ I doing here? I mean, what was I _really_ doing here? No matter how much I convinced myself it was all for the music and the travel, I had to admit that a part of it was to do with Trev. I'd be ninety and still asking how high whenever he said jump. It was an unwelcome thought.
A couple of minutes later the filming began in earnest. All eyes were on the stars as they huddled together, discussing the logistics of what they were about to do. Callum spoke directly to the camera, but I couldn't hear what he said. I moved closer, trying to hear better, but then they all formed a line with Trev at the head of it. The cameras followed as he stepped up onto the edge of the roof, and my pulse sped up like it always did.
I'd witnessed him do this countless times before, but my reaction never changed. My hands still grew clammy and my throat still clogged up. My entire body buzzed with adrenaline.
I guessed that was why freerunning held such an allure for people. The excitement. The fear.
There was a perverse sort of attraction in all of us to those who took chances, risked their lives to do what they loved. They faced fears far bigger than anything we might ever encounter.
My stomach fluttered in anticipation when Trev spread his arms out wide, and then just dropped. Without thinking I ran to the edge of the building, peering down. A small part of me imagined he'd jumped to his death, even though another part knew this was all calculated. The others followed suit and by the time I reached the edge all five of them had jumped. I looked down and saw a connecting roof lower down, a drop of about ten or twelve feet.
There was a cameraman with a handheld capturing the group until they leapt to the next roof. My eyes scanned the distance and I saw at least five other roofs with waiting crewmembers. There were narrow gaps between the buildings and a shiver ran through me as I watched the group jump through the air like it was nothing. My attention was mostly on Trev though, the sure, steady movement of his legs, the strong, muscular line of his shoulders as he made each giant leap.
"Pretty amazing, isn't it?" came a heavily accented voice from behind me and I startled.
I glanced over my shoulder, and there on the wall sat a young dark-skinned guy. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and he wore a green T-shirt that said _Boo-yah_.
"It's incredible," I replied, looking back out into the distance. They'd reached the end of their run, all gathered on the last rooftop. Even though I'd been on tenterhooks, I knew this was an easy stunt. Roof hopping was something they did every day as teenagers. Over the course of the filming they'd build up to bigger and bigger risks, upping the theatrics each time.
"Do you work for the show?" asked the young guy, and I returned my attention to him.
"Yes, do you?"
He shook his head. "I'm just a fan. Don't tell anyone but I snuck up here. When I heard the guys were filming in the city I had to come see for myself."
"Ah, well, your secret's safe with me," I said and smiled. I didn't know why, but there was something about him that I warmed to.
"So, what's your job?"
I climbed up onto the wall to sit next to him. "Me? I'm just an assistant, and a temp at that."
"Damn, hoped you might be someone important," he joked. "Thought I might be able to sweet-talk my way into a part."
"You do parkour?" I asked, impressed. My eyes traced his fit, athletic form and I knew he was telling the truth. He carried himself just like Trev and the others.
"I try. Got the cuts, bruises and broken bones to show for it."
I laughed. "Where are you from? You don't sound Belgian."
"South Africa, Johannesburg. Been living here for two years now with my mum and sisters."
"Trevor always wanted to visit South Africa. It's on his bucket list," I said wistfully, and my companion's brows jumped high.
"Trevor Cross?" he asked, saying the name in the same way you might say 'Brad Pitt' or 'Sylvester Stallone.' Sometimes I forgot just how famous my friend had become.
I nodded. "The one and only."
He chuckled and shook his head. "Man, he'd stand out like a sore thumb in Joburg. No offence or anything." He paused to eye me. "You, not so much, but still a little a bit."
"Glad my tan has some uses," I grinned. "What's your name?"
"Isaac Hegebe."
I smiled, thinking it cute how he offered both his first and last names like that. "Well, it's nice to meet you Isaac Hegebe. I'm Reya Cabrera," I said and held out my hand.
"Nice to meet you, too. You think they're gonna come back up here? I'd love to get some autographs."
"I don't think so," I answered, and saw his disappointment. I chewed on my lip, deciding if I should invite him to my gig. That way he'd be able to meet Trev. "Are you busy later? I'm playing a show down at L'Archiduc and Trev will be there. I could introduce you."
His eyes lit up. "Are you serious? Man, that would make my day, no, my year."
I grinned, his excitement infectious. "My gig starts at nine. Try get there around eight thirty, yeah?"
"I wouldn't miss it," he declared. "And you said you were only an assistant. Hidden depths."
I laughed at that. "We've all got them. See you later, Isaac."
# Twelve.
When word spread that I was playing a show, people wanted to come. What was supposed to be just Trev turned into him, Leanne, Paul, James, Neil and two members of the film crew. Callum was either sulking that I was getting all the attention, or was trying to avoid Leanne after the drama of the other night. Probably the latter.
I had to admit though, I felt pretty special that they were all so interested. Sometimes I worried I irritated people with my perpetual humming and singing and tinkering around on my keyboard. At least, I knew it bothered my neighbours back home.
They were constantly banging on the wall to punctuate their unhappiness.
I headed to the venue a little earlier than everyone else to set up and do a quick sound check. I used tassels around my ankles that jingled like a tambourine when I stamped my feet for percussion during my songs, because when you were a one-woman show your hands were typically occupied with the keyboard. I'd invented them one day when I had some ribbon and a bunch of metal tassels and too much time at my disposal.
My phone buzzed with a text just as I was done. I picked it up and opened the message.
_Trev: We're all here. Nice place. Can't wait to hear you sing. xxx_
My heart stuttered and I rubbed at my chest, scolding the organ for its foolish optimism. _He's your friend, Reya. Just your friend._ I sipped on my tequila sour, my favourite drink to have before a show, and started trying to psyche myself up.
I wore a long black dress with short lace sleeves. Using my requisite gold sharpie, I scribbled my stage name over my left forearm in swirling, elegant letters. _Queenie_.
It was what my next-door neighbour, Mrs. Finnegan, used to call me growing up. She said my name meant 'Queen', but because I was still little she'd called me Queenie. She had no idea I'd eventually grow to be a smidge over five-foot-nine. I smiled fondly, remembering her and how I used to sneak into her house for tea and scones, unbeknownst to both my parents.
She was the only one who believed me in the end, and she died not too many months afterward. Then there was no one left. _No one who didn't think I'd lied._
I stared at my reflection, the low bulb overhead catching the highlights in my brown hair. They matched the gold in my eyes that you could only see when the sun shone through them. Lifting my glass, I downed the rest of the tart liquid and stood. It was almost time for me to go on stage.
I waited off to the side while a woman introduced me in French, although I only had a vague idea what she was saying.
My keyboard and microphone were set up just to the left of the makeshift stage, but I'd given the sound guy a backing track for my first song. It was one I often opened with, a cover of "Blue Bayou" by Linda Ronstadt. I'd stand by the mic at the front of the stage as I sang directly to the audience. I used to perform it in English, but one day I fell down the rabbit hole of the Internet and discovered a Spanish version on YouTube. It was perfect. Almost better than the original. There was something about the lyrics in Spanish that just sounded so much more meaningful to me.
Cheers sounded and I walked out, spotting Trev and the gang at a large table in the centre of the club. The place was surprisingly packed, but I couldn't tell if people were here to see me or if they were just regulars who'd be here anyway. Either way, it felt good to play to a full house.
I spoke into the microphone. "Thank you. My name is Queenie and this song is called 'Lago Azul'."
The track started and I closed my eyes, just like I always did. The music was low, the bass slow and sultry. I moved my hips, bent close to the mic and began to sing. When I reached the chorus I sang louder and tapped my left foot on the second and fourth beat, causing the metal tassels on my ankles to jingle in time to the music.
I was almost to the end of the song when I opened my eyes and found Trev staring at me. I wasn't sure how he was the first person my attention landed on, but then again, his gaze always had a certain siren's song of its own, luring me in.
When the song ended, I bowed deeply and retreated to my keyboard. My comfort zone. It worked as a barrier against the ferocity of Trev's stare.
He wanted me.
He always wanted me . . . when I sang. Maybe it was because I was absorbed in a persona. I wasn't Reya: insecure, worrisome, weak. I was Queenie: confident, bold, strong.
_Was that why I wasn't enough for him? Why he didn't try to keep us?_
I played a bunch of songs, chatting with the audience intermittently. Before I knew it, I had just a few minutes left of my set and I couldn't decide whether to play the song Trev asked of me on our first night here. Our hushed conversation in the dark room, each of us in our separate beds, thinking we were protected by the linens, even though our emotions were spilling out all over the sheets. I tinkered with the keys, hesitating and shooting a glance in his direction before I finally played the opening notes and sang.
* * *
_O ne day I'll be that girl in the club who dances like no one's watching_
_Dances like no one's watching_
_Dances like no one's watching_
_Because she's high, high, high_
_On life's supply_
_Of paper weights and paper clips and paper paper_
_That once was a tree_
_Because we're all just something yearning to be something else_
* * *
_O ne day I'll be that girl in the club who dances like no one's watching_
_Dances like no one's watching_
_Dances like no one's watching_
_Because she's happy, happy, happy_
_But really sad, sad, sad_
_Because she's drowning under life's supply_
_Of paper weights and paper clips and paper paper_
* * *
_S o go open up_
_Go dance like her_
_*whispers*_
_Just don't make eye contact_
_Don't make eye contact_
_Don't make eye contact_
* * *
I opened my eyes only when I whispered the very last line. I knew he'd be looking. He always was. It was the one thing in our relationship I could count on. His constant attention while I sang.
I thanked the audience for their appreciation, stood and hustled off the stage, my heart in my throat. Not considering the moments we'd shared up until now, that had been way too close. My skin was clammy. It prickled with awareness and apprehension and want.
I needed a drink.
I worked my way through the club, arriving at the bar and ordering another tequila sour. I slipped some Euros to the bartender when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was Isaac, the boy from earlier in the day. I'd forgotten I invited him to come and wondered if he was old enough to be in here. He looked eighteen . . . almost.
"Hey Isaac! Thanks for coming," I exclaimed.
"Reya, you were incredible up there," he said just as Trev appeared over his shoulder. He didn't look happy that I had company, which was ridiculous because Isaac was just a kid. Sure, he was tall, but it was pretty obvious how young he was.
"Reya," said Trev, his voice low and questioning.
"Trev, come here. There's someone I'd like you to meet."
Isaac's eyes bugged out of their sockets when he heard the name, his entire body stilling. It was sort of adorable. Trev came to my side, sliding his arm around my waist possessively, which was completely unnecessary. He eyed Isaac with suspicion.
"This is Isaac," I explained. "We met earlier today during filming. He's a big fan of yours," I went on, putting emphasis on the word 'fan' so he'd know to be polite. "I invited him along tonight so he could meet you." When I finished speaking, Trev's posture loosened as he realised this wasn't some guy who'd just approached me at the bar.
"Oh, hey, great to meet you, buddy," said Trev, smiling as he held out a hand.
Isaac didn't speak, only stared at the offered hand, frozen in place.
I laughed softly and nudged Trev to make a bit more of an effort. "I think he might be a little star-struck."
"No, no, I'm fine. Really," said Isaac, finally finding some words. "I just . . . it's an honour to meet you. I've followed your series since the very beginning."
"The honour's all mine. It's a real treat to meet a fan. Can I get you anything? You want me to sign something?"
Isaac's eyes widened again as he started to nod, "Yes, please," but then he realised he had nothing for Trev to sign. I reached for some napkins and asked the bartender if he could spare a pen. He grabbed one from under the bar, and I handed both the napkins and the pen to Trev. As he was signing, I gave Isaac's arm a light squeeze to reassure him. He shook his head, abashed, and I knew he thought he'd made a show of himself. He hadn't. He was just shy. It happened to the best of us around famous people.
It was still surreal to think of Trev as a celebrity.
"Here ya go," said Trev, handing the signed napkin to Isaac. I noticed he'd written a little note, too. _Moments like these I saw the kind-hearted, struggling friend from years ago._
"Thank you so, so much. You don't know what this means. I'm so happy I got to meet you."
"Isaac's a free runner, too," I told Trev. "He's pretty good," I lied, hoping it might bolster his confidence.
"Oh yeah?" Trev asked, suddenly interested. "You ever think about going professional?"
Parkour was a growing sport, but it was difficult to find new people who were truly skilled. I knew this from all my time spent with Trev over the years. If Isaac had any talent, then I was sure Trev would be more than happy to connect him with the right people.
"No, I'm not sure I'm as good as Reya makes out," said Isaac modestly, shooting me a questioning look.
"If Reya says you're good then I believe her. How about you stop by tomorrow and we can go on a run? We're filming at the Atomium all day."
"Seriously?" Isaac breathed, like he couldn't believe his luck.
"Sure," said Trev with a kind smile.
"Okay, uh, yes, I'll be there. Thank you again. I better go now. Mum likes me to be home before midnight." And with that, he went. I pulled Trev's arm from around my waist and turned to face the bar. He took the stool next to mine.
"Was I ever that innocent?" Trev asked, chuckling.
"Nope. I can say with one hundred per cent certainty that you weren't. He's cuter than a puppy. I think I might want to adopt him."
"Don't say that. You'll make me jealous again," he teased.
I glanced at him sideways and smirked.
"So," he went on. "Exactly how good is he?"
Now I laughed. "I have no idea."
"But you said—"
"I was lying so you'd take an interest in him and it worked."
"Reya," Trev scolded. "You probably just saddled me with a kid who's gonna be afraid to jump off a four-foot wall."
"Oh, don't be so melodramatic. I'm sure he's good. He's probably only about eighteen and he's already ripped to bits. You don't get a body like that from not practicing."
Trev arched a brow. "How do you now he's ripped?"
I tapped the side of my temple. "I can just tell. A lady's intuition."
He grinned and leaned closer, his elbows resting on the bar top. "Oh yeah? And what else can you tell with your lady's intuition?"
"Plenty."
"Enlighten me," he challenged. What was it about Trevor Cross's challenges that I couldn't seem to back away from? I went all in.
"Well, for one, I can tell whether or not a man will be good in bed."
He smiled so wide it practically split his face. "Oh, now this I have to hear."
"It's all in the walk. A confident, sure walk indicates a confident, sure lover."
Trev chuckled. "You crack me up, Reyrey."
I smiled and tipped my glass to my lips as Trev asked, "So, what does my walk say?"
I shook my head fervently. "I'm not touching that one."
He pouted. "You're no fun." A pause as he shot me a dark look and muttered low, "Guess you don't need to examine my walk."
I narrowed my gaze playfully. "I knew you'd sink to that level."
"That's because you know me best."
"I'm not so sure about that."
He tilted his head, curious. "No?"
"Even in the days when I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, you were still a bit of a mystery."
Our gazes locked as he replied, "Must be that poker face of mine."
"Must be," I agreed quietly.
A moment passed before he said, "You were amazing tonight, by the way. That song you opened with fucking killed me." The husky tone of his voice had me glancing away. _That_ was the Trevor Cross I first met so many years ago. A friendly joker who somehow sounded suggestive and provocative at the same time.
"You did always love it when I spoke Spanish," I said, trying to keep my tone casual.
"I still do. It's the sexiest thing in the world."
"You're so predictable."
"You think?"
"Yep. All men love it when women speak Spanish. All women love it when men speak French. It's written in the code of our DNA."
Trev laughed softly. "Is that a fact?"
"Sure. I bet if you studied a double helix real close you'd find it somewhere," I joked.
Trev reached out to run a finger down my neck and over the exposed curve of my shoulder. "You're probably right, but I only love it when it's you."
His tender words somehow made the tequila hit my blood stream quicker. Or maybe it was all in my head. Either way, I felt slightly weaker than I had a moment before.
"Don't," I begged, my breathing choppy.
All of a sudden his mouth was at my ear. "Don't what?"
"Don't say stuff like that."
His hand moved to my hip and I felt it all the way between my thighs. "Why not?"
"Because it makes me feel like doing things I shouldn't," I answered truthfully, shifting to look into his eyes. I was drowning in all that blue.
"Maybe you should," he murmured huskily, his mind drifting off somewhere and then back to me. I swallowed when he whispered, "Last night my sheets smelled of you."
My stomach flipped. The first night I slept in his bed I'd been worried about his scent being on the sheets. I never gave a thought that I'd be leaving mine for him.
"Trev . . ."
"What?" he probed, a sexy challenge in his eyes. He knew he had me. I needed to be stronger.
I steeled myself and said, "When we get back I'm changing your sheets."
He very slowly shook his head. "No. You're not."
I lifted my chin. "I am."
"Touch those sheets and see what happens."
"Is that a threat?" I asked, my voice firm. He didn't respond, only continued to hold my gaze in a battle of wills. Why was he doing this to me? He told me we were just going to be friends. Now it's night two and already he's flirting. Or was he just teasing, bantering like we always used to? This felt like more than harmless banter though.
The moment was broken when a familiar voice said, "Can I have a round of Jager bombs?"
I looked away from Trev to find Leanne standing by the bar. "Hey Reya. Brilliant gig. You were incredible."
"Oh thanks," I said, still feeling the heat of Trev's attention as she started counting fingers then glanced at the bartender. "I need six."
He nodded and began putting her order together.
"You can't drink tonight, Leanne," said Trev and he sounded almost fatherly. It was weird. He'd always been the wayward kid of his family. "Tomorrow's too important."
"It's just one drink."
"Jager bombs aren't a drink. They're the gateway to a night of debauchery and we both know it," Trev went on.
"I have to agree with him," I put in. "It's like the entrée before a giant steak."
"Or the oral sex before the fucking," Trev added and I rolled my eyes even though the way he said 'fucking' gave me chills.
Leanne huffed. "But I've already ordered them."
"And now you can un-order them," said Trev.
"Actually, I can't. Look, he's making them now."
"I'll pay then. You're still not drinking them."
She put a hand on her hip. "Do you know what? I'm really sick of people telling me what to do around here." She turned and stomped back to the table where the others were waiting. Trev slipped a few notes onto the bar and went after her. I sighed, knocked back the last of my drink, and headed backstage to grab my things. One of the club workers had kindly brought my keyboard out back. A few minutes later I was making my way out front when I bumped into Trev and the others climbing into taxis.
"There you are," said Trev, coming and taking my things from me. I climbed in next to him. Paul and James shared our taxi, while Leanne, Neil and the two crewmembers got in the other one.
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish," said James, referring to the song I opened my set with. He broke my attention away from the fact that the side of my body was pressed tight to Trev's. I tried my best to keep a sliver of space between us.
"Oh yeah, I grew up speaking two languages," I answered. "My parents were immigrants. They spoke no English at all when they first came to the U.K. They had to learn as they went along."
"Really?" James asked, sounding interested. "My grandparents emigrated from Trinidad back in the sixties but they both spoke English. Every once in a while, my gran dips into Creole, but only when she's really pissed about something." He chuckled. "Where did your parents come from?"
I stiffened, but Trev was probably the only one who noticed. He was one of the few people who knew how the subject of my parents was a sore spot. Still, I answered James's question out of politeness. "Madrid. They grew up under Franco so it was very different from Spain nowadays. It's funny, I mean, they left to escape a totalitarian regime, but the ideals stayed ingrained in them. They're, um, very conservative, very strict, and very religious."
"I bet that was no picnic growing up," Paul put in, eyeing me.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "No, it wasn't."
Relieved to see we'd arrived at the apartment, I was the first to get out of the taxi. I knew it was rude not to at least offer to put in for the fare, but I felt stifled. Between whatever Trev was up to and talking about my parents, I had to get out of there.
When I opened the door to the apartment there were two crewmen in the living area tinkering around with their cameras, waiting. As soon as they saw me come in they started filming. I frowned and headed down the hallway to the linen cupboard, knowing they weren't interested in me. They were waiting to film the guys when they got in.
I found some spare sheets and carried them into Trev and Callum's bedroom. I was hoping to get the task done before Trev walked in, but no such luck.
"What are you doing?" he asked, shutting the door in the face of one of the film crew. It served him right for trying to follow Trev into the bedroom.
I only had the pillowcase off so far. "I'm changing your sheets like I said I would."
He came at me, tugging the pillow from my grasp and tossing it back on the bed. "And I told you not to." He spoke low, his words held an edge of threat.
I stood firm and picked the pillow back up. "Why not? You're being weird."
He exhaled a heavy breath and levelled me with his eyes. "Just don't. Just . . . give me this."
My throat felt heavy as I stared at him. There was a deep, starkly vivid need there and it was almost shocking to see. He'd been trying so hard to hide it, but right then I saw a flicker of the truth. I saw a crack in his _I just want to be friends_ façade.
I looked at him, then at the bed, then back at him. His gaze lowered to my lips and I wet them instinctively. Heat fizzled between us and I dropped the pillow. He took one, two steps forward until there was only an inch of space left. His breath hit my cheeks and I stood frozen in place. He lifted a hand to my face and traced a line with his fingers down the side of my neck. I closed my eyes for a second when he spoke.
"This is harder than I thought it would be."
I didn't know why, but I let out a quiet, watery laugh. "It's only been three days."
"The hardest three days of my life."
"Maybe I should go home—"
"No," he said, his nostrils flaring. "I don't want you to go." His hand came to my shoulder, gripping firmly.
I dropped my eyes to the floor. "I should, um, get to bed."
"Reya, look at me."
I looked up, ensnared in those icy blue eyes of his again. They'd always been my undoing. "What?" I whispered.
He bit his lip, looking conflicted. "Just . . . promise me you'll stay. If I back off, will you stay?"
I nodded. I wasn't sure I could leave even if I wanted to anyway. "I'll stay."
"Thank you," he said and gave my shoulder another squeeze.
I moved away from him and to the door, opening it and leaving before I lost my nerve. I could've kissed him and he would've let me. He could've kissed me and I would've let him.
This was all such a mess. I thought of my conversation with Karla before the trip and I knew she'd been right to be sceptical. Trev was the one thing in this world I could never, ever resist.
I'd always want him. _Only him._
Even when I knew wholeheartedly that I shouldn't.
# Thirteen.
The location for Thursday's filming was like nothing I'd ever seen before. I sat in the back of the taxi beside Neil as we approached the bizarre construction. It was like a science experiment brought to life in architecture—or an alien spacecraft—and the group were planning to scale it. I mean, how? Just . . . how? It was called the Atomium and the name was apt, because it looked like a giant atom made from steel and glass.
"How did they even get permission to do this?" I asked Neil, only a little worried. I was yet to witness Trev truly hurt himself. Sure, he'd had his fair share of smaller injuries, like sprains and fractured bones, but nothing that wouldn't heal.
"I have no idea," said Neil, shaking his head. "Barry always seems to have the right people in his pocket."
And he certainly did. The cast and crew had arrived at the crack of dawn to start rehearsing. It was just after eleven and there appeared to be a crowd gathered, watching the preparations. Several tourists held up cameras and tablets to snap pictures and video.
"Can you give these to Trevor? He texted earlier to ask if I could grab them for him," said Neil, handing me a small plastic bag. I peeked inside and found an iPod, chewing gum, mixed nuts and some hand cream. I was definitely going to rib him about the hand cream.
"Sure," I answered, though I was still a little hesitant to be around Trev. We hadn't exchanged a single word since last night. He and the others left early this morning, while Neil and I were knee-deep in scheduling.
We got out of the taxi and headed towards the building. The film crew looked to be setting up shots while the group took a break. I was surprised to see Leanne sitting on the hood of a car with Callum standing in front of her. She held a bottle of water out to him. When he moved to grab it she pulled it away, then she did it again, like they were playing a game. Were they flirting? Seriously, you never knew where those two stood with one another from one day to the next. Both had big smiles on, but neither noticed the female crewmember filming them. Or maybe they didn't care. It was all a part of their contract to be recorded at any time, except in certain circumstances, like if they were in a bathroom or a bedroom.
Trev, Paul and James sat on some steps chatting when I approached. I wore a loose, flower-print top with a dipped neckline and some leggings. Trev's gaze soaked in every detail before his attention rose to my face. A tight, searing heat circled my lungs. I held out the plastic bag.
"Neil said you asked for these," I told him stiffly.
"Right, yeah thanks."
I rubbed my palms on my leggings, feeling awkward. "No problem. I wouldn't want you to have to do without your hand moisturiser. That'd be a travesty," I said, hoping the jibe might lighten the mood between us. Paul and James chuckled while Trev's mouth curved in a slow grin.
"Well, I know you like it when they're soft," he said and winked.
I flushed a deep red. I should've known better than to go up against him. He was pretty much immune to embarrassment, always had been.
I tried to think of a snappy comeback but came up empty. Instead I went with a sassy, "Is that all? Can I get anything else for you, sir?"
Trev smirked and tapped his cheek. "A kiss will do nicely."
Oh, he was in a formidable mood this morning. He had that twinkle in his eye that told me so.
"I think you'll be fine without any kisses," I said.
Trev put on a sad face. I ignored him and pulled out my phone to check my messages. I heard him let out a long, beleaguered sigh. James, who had been discussing something with Paul, asked, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nobody wants to kiss me. I feel like such a frump."
James chuckled. "Frump is the last word anyone would use to describe you, Trev."
I shook my head and chanced a glance at him. He was smiling wickedly. "Then why haven't I had a kiss in nearly seven months? I'm like Drew Barrymore in that movie."
That was it. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. "You'll live."
Trev didn't rise to my ire. Instead he continued his little act, casting an overly dramatic frown at James and Paul. "It's really doing a number on my confidence."
I scoffed. "Your confidence is perfectly healthy."
"I just feel like buying a bucket of Ben & Jerry's to drown my sorrows."
"Oh God, put him out of his misery, Reya," Paul begged. "If for no other reason than to end this monstrosity, whatever it is. I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally scarred just witnessing it."
I shook my head. "Nope. I'm not giving him what he wants."
Trev batted his eyelashes. "Would giving me one little kiss really be so awful? Am I that hideous?"
"Dear Lord, you're a spoiled brat."
He fake-gasped and brought his hand to his chest. "How can you speak to me like that?"
"I'll take the hand cream back," I threatened. "I'll take it and I'll empty it all down the sink."
"Such threats. How is a boy supposed to work in an environment like this?"
Oh God. I wanted to throttle him. Instead I shoved my phone back in my bag and strode forward. I bent low, realising too late that the position afforded him a nice little glance down my top, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. His scent filled my nose and I quickly withdrew.
He practically glowed he smiled so wide. "Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
I cocked a brow. "Still feel like a frump?"
"Not at all. Your kiss has miraculous transformative qualities. I feel like a whole new man."
I gave a begrudging laugh. Why was it that even when he was annoying the living hell out of me he still managed to make me laugh?
I caught something move in my peripheral vision and realised we were being filmed. I was relieved when I remembered I wasn't mic'd up, but then again, Trev and the others were, and their microphones were possibly strong enough to pick up what I said.
Neil approached then and handed me a list of things I had to pick up from the shop. When I returned, Barry had gathered the group to give a talk. A pair of Ray Bans were perched atop his head and he wore a rumpled brown T-shirt. I set some water bottles and cans of iced tea out on a table for the cast and crew as I listened in.
"I want to get some footage of you lot doing a tour inside before we shoot the outer scenes," said Barry. "The observatory pods have some great views over the city."
When Trev spotted me he came right over. "You want to come on the tour with us?"
"Um, I'm not sure. Neil might need my help."
"He'll survive without you for half an hour. Come on."
Trev led me back to where Barry was still giving instructions and a girl came and hooked me up with a microphone. "I don't think this is necessary. I'm just a PA," I said to her as she handed me the little black box.
She gave me an apologetic look and shrugged. "Sorry. Barry's orders."
I stuck the box in the back of my leggings and fell into step beside Trev. Filming had started back up and a smartly dressed woman led the group inside the building. I realised she was a tour guide when I got close enough to hear her give a brief intro into the history of the building.
I tugged on Trev's T-shirt sleeve. "I think they're trying to put me in the show."
He turned his head, perplexed. "What?"
"I've noticed the crew filming me quite a bit the last few days. I know it was in the contract that I might be in footage, but I thought it'd be all background stuff. They have a mic on me and everything," I said.
"That's just how it is. Don't worry. They need to cover all bases," he replied reassuringly.
"I don't know. She could be right," Paul interjected. "Jimbo had that handheld at her gig last night."
Jimbo was one of the crew who tagged along to my show. The news that he was recording me was worrying. Trev frowned now.
"I'll have a word with Barry."
I slid my arm through his and covered the mic as I spoke quietly. "You didn't mention our history to anyone, did you?"
"No, why?"
"I'm just trying to figure out why they've taken an interest in me."
He was quiet a minute, then took advantage of how I was linking his arm to pull me closer. "I can think of a reason. Anyone with a pair of eyeballs can see how I look at you."
I stiffened and allowed my arm to fall from his as the fact sank in. I meant it when I said I had no interest in fame, not even the small amount that might come from being featured in the background of _Running on Air_. Though I adored attention for my music, I didn't enjoy attention that focused on me personally. I knew it was weird. Most people made music to get famous, but I made music to touch people. I couldn't care less about having my face plastered across magazines or TV screens. In fact, the very idea made my stomach twist with nausea. Such was the life of an introvert.
There was, unfortunately, another somewhat darker reason why I avoided the limelight. If I were to be romantically linked to Trev, the gossipmongers might start looking into my past, my family history. And I couldn't bear the thought of them discovering the truth behind my estrangement from my parents and siblings.
"You okay?" Trev asked, noticing my unease.
My brow crinkled. "I'm not sure. Can we, um, can we talk later when we get back to the apartment? In private?" I knew there'd be no chance to talk while we were here, not with the cameras and microphones recording our every move.
"Yeah, sure. We'll talk," said Trev, giving my hand a meaningful squeeze as we boarded the elevator. A few minutes later we were led into a round glass observatory pod that looked out onto the city below and I momentarily forgot my worries. It was amazing.
As I took it all in, I suddenly realised exactly what this place was: a flippin' jungle gym built for Trev's inner adrenaline junkie, only the architects didn't know it at the time.
"You're going to climb this thing, aren't you?" I said, shaking my head.
Trev peered down at me, his lips twitching. "Yes, but it's not half as simple as that."
"I should hope not. It's gonna be dangerous. I can just imagine you sailing down one of those steel tubes like you're sliding down a staircase."
He chuckled. "You know me too well, but don't worry. There's been weeks of planning and practice put into this."
I cast him a sidelong glance. "Are you scared?"
He pressed his lips together, made a show of hesitating, then gave me the most tender smile. "Nah."
I laughed softly. "Didn't think so."
I heard him exhale, felt his attention on me a moment before he joined me in checking out the view. "You ever think this would be our life?" he asked quietly.
"This isn't my life. It's yours," I said, a pain striking my chest, because I wished it was my life. "I've just hitched my rusty old wagon to your six-figure RV for a little while."
I didn't have to look to know he was smiling. "Sounds like a country lyric. Maybe you should switch genres."
"I don't have a genre, remember? Unless introverted piano lady is a genre."
"I think I saw that one listed on Spotify the other day."
"Ha-ha."
We shared a look and Trev reached down to interlace his fingers with mine. I let him, because it felt nice. I realised with some surprise that I rarely ever held hands with anyone these days. It was something I did all the time as a child, but not so much anymore. I was pretty sure that the last person I really _truly_ held hands with was David. And I wasn't talking about a casual touch or grab, but a proper skin-to-skin intertwining of fingers. The kind between lovers. That was shocking, because David and I broke up almost a year ago. Had I not felt this sort of touch in all that time? The thought was sobering.
"You okay?" Trev asked, probably wondering if he was crossing a line.
I shook my head. "I'm fine. I just, um, I kind of miss holding hands with people."
His eyebrows jumped. It must not have been what he expected me to say. "You do?"
"Yes, don't you? I think more adults should do it. Why don't we hold hands when we get older?"
Trev lifted a shoulder, his attention on me focused. "I suppose because it has a sexual connotation. Adults hold hands when they're, ya know, _doin' it_."
I rolled my eyes at his phrasing. "Yeah, but friends can hold hands, too."
"Did you know that Arabic men hold hands?" James put in, overhearing our conversation. "It's a cultural thing. It doesn't have the romantic undertones, for them it's simply a sign of friendship."
"Really?" I asked. "I never knew that."
"It's true. Because the sexes are more segregated in certain Middle Eastern countries, with men spending a lot of time with other men, it developed as a means of showing affection and close friendship."
"You mean like human to human?" I asked.
"Basically. I read an interesting article about it once."
"That's kind of nice. I like that idea. We all need affection. It doesn't always have to be sexual."
"I agree," Paul put in. "When I don't get a hug for a couple of days I turn into a right grumpy bastard."
"Aw, I'll give you a hug anytime, shnookums," Trev teased before his attention returned to me. He didn't say anything, but his expression was thoughtful.
When we arrived back outside everything sped up. When I finally had a chance to catch a break, I found a place to sit and just watched the group prepare. My phone rang and I pulled it out to see Karla's name on the screen. A smiled tugged at my lips as I reached around to switch off my mic. It was so easy to forget I was wearing it.
"Hey, Karla, how's everything?" I answered happily. It had only been a few days, but I still missed talking to her.
"Good. The usual. How's the filming coming along?"
"Well so far. We're on location right now, actually. You should see the stunt they're about to pull off—"
"No spoilers! Don't tell me anything," she insisted.
I chuckled. "Okay, you loon. I won't spoil anything for you. Just know, you're going to be on the edge of your seat. We're at this museum, but the building is like nothing you've ever seen before." I watched as the film crew shot the group running up the crisscrossed stairs within the columns at the foundation of the structure. Trev was the first to reach the top, and he began to climb towards one of the giant steel tubes. He was hooked up with all sorts of protective climbing gear, but my heart still fluttered with nerves. It really did look dangerous.
"Reya, did you hear what I said?"
"No, sorry. I got distracted. Do you know how many documentary makers get killed while filming?"
"Not the foggiest. Why?"
"I was just wondering if there was some kind of statistic to look at. I mean, you never really hear about stuff like that, but it must happen. You see all those guys who get up real close with tigers and gorillas and other dangerous animals. Surely, the tigers must freak out and attack them sometimes."
"Trev's not getting up close with a tiger, Reya," she said, obviously sensing the direction of my thoughts.
"I know, but he might as well be. You should see what he's doing right now. It's seriously risky."
"That boy came out of the womb doing backflips. He never stops practicing and he knows what he's doing, so relax. What I really want to know is how things have been between you two."
"Tense. Friendly. Different. Scary," I answered all at once.
Karla laughed. "That good, huh?"
"I should've listened to you when you told me not to come."
"I don't know. I can be too judgmental sometimes. Maybe you're exactly where you're supposed to be."
"You think?"
"It's the best way to look at it. Regretting stuff is pointless anyway. You're there now. You just need to deal with whatever hurdles come your way."
"I'm jealous of him," I blurted without thinking.
"Of Trev?"
"Yeah. Aren't you?"
"I don't think so. I never really thought about it."
I huffed a breath. "Maybe jealous is the wrong word. I just . . . I envy him. What he has. He seems to know exactly what he wants from life. I have no idea what I want."
"You want to play music."
"Yeah but, is that really a worthwhile pursuit? Could I be doing something a little more productive? There was this kid on set the other day. A teenager from South Africa, and he looked at Trev like he embodied all the possibilities of his future. He's making a difference, showing kids from shitty backgrounds they can achieve more than what society dictates. He's like a . . . a gatekeeper to hope."
"A gatekeeper to hope?" She sounded amused.
I sighed. "You know what I mean. I guess I'm just envious of how everything's fallen into place for him, whereas I'm the same age and my life feels like a frickin' bundle of knotted thread. A directionless mess."
She seemed to be considering what I said because she was quiet a moment before she spoke. "Well, think about it this way. If your life was perfect, if you lived on a cloud, your music would be shit. Your songs ring true because you've endured the stuff you're singing about, you still are enduring it. I've seen people connect with you on a level that's deeper than anything Trev has ever done. No offence to him or anything. Hell, the first time I saw you perform it was like a transcendental experience."
"You're just saying that." _But I so needed to hear it. I wanted my music to be worthwhile. I wanted it to affect people._
"I'm not. Your music means something to me. It means something to a lot of people. They just don't seem like much because they're not a fixed audience of TV viewers that bring in bundles of cash, but believe me, they're out there."
"So I'm Vincent Van Gogh?"
"I have no idea what that means."
"It means I'll be a great artist but die penniless."
"Do you want to be rich?"
"No. But sometimes I get really sick of struggling. Sometimes I just want to see a completely overpriced mattress on TV and say to myself, do you know what? I'm going to buy that mattress."
Now she laughed. "I'll buy you a bloody mattress if you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself."
I laughed, too. "I am feeling sorry for myself, aren't I? I'm such a drippy bitch."
"You're doing it again," Karla scolded, a smile in her voice.
"Yes, I am. I don't think there's a cure. But thank you for the pep talk. It helped."
"You're welcome. And Reya?"
"What?"
"Go have a good time. You deserve it. Quit worrying and overthinking things. It's all wasted energy in the end."
"Okay," I said, breathing deeply. "I'll try. And I'll call you in a day or so. We're taking the train to Paris tomorrow."
"Cool, talk to you then."
# Fourteen.
Trev was breathless and sweaty by the time they were done filming. And I was, well, I was impressed. On screen, their jumps and runs looked effortless. Behind the sleek perfection of the final cut, it didn't seem real. But here, seeing it all happen in the flesh, I saw the extent of how much they challenged themselves. I was even more impressed than that day I watched them train in their gym.
I went to Trev and handed him a bottle of water. "That was incredible. And insane. You should be proud though. You definitely took things to another level today."
"All in the quest to entertain the masses," he replied with a wink, taking the water and twisting open the bottle. I watched as he brought it to his mouth and took a long swig, far too mesmerised by the way his throat moved when he swallowed. His eyes fell on mine as he screwed the cap back on.
"Hey guys," came a voice, and I turned to see Isaac approach. I wondered how he got past the security barriers, but then again, he probably had his ways. I didn't think Trev ever paid a Tube fare in his life back in the old days. He was a master of jumping barriers and evading detection. His morals had always been somewhat questionable, but that was just how he grew up.
A pang of nostalgia hit me. That life was a whole other world for him now.
I wondered what Isaac's life had been like back in Johannesburg. He was more or less a stranger, so I had no idea about his past. Had he been rich or poor? I suspected it was the latter from the worn Reeboks and tattered jacket he wore. Maybe he and Trev had more in common than I thought.
"Hey Isaac," Trev greeted, giving him a nod. "You ready to show me what you can do?"
I could tell Isaac was nervous, but he did well not letting it show. "Yeah, man. Let's do this."
"I can't believe you're going on a run. Aren't you exhausted?" I asked, flabbergasted.
Trev grinned. "Nah, but I'm glad my energy impresses you."
I wasn't sure what his grin meant, but I didn't have too much time to ponder it. Callum and Leanne came over, and Isaac was adorably star-struck again. They heard about the run and wanted to tag along, too. In the end, Jimbo, the crewman who'd apparently been filming my gig, went with them to capture the action. I think he was under instructions from Barry to capture more behind-the-scenes stuff.
Isaac was asked to sign a release form, allowing the show to use footage of him. He was more than happy to sign, and then off they went. He shot me a look that said _Can you frickin' believe this?_ Like, none of it felt real. I was just happy to see someone who obviously deserved a chance get one.
There was no sense in me going with them, since I could barely climb a five-foot wall, never mind vault between buildings like they were stepping stones in a garden pond. Instead I joined Neil back at the apartment, and together we went through plans for the evening and following day, made phone calls, arranged catering, answered emails, all that fun stuff. And strangely, even though I'd never done anything like this before, I really enjoyed it. I was organised by nature, so this was right up my alley.
When Neil suggested we order in dinner I told him I'd cook something instead. Aside from music, it was one of the rare few things I was good at.
I had all the ingredients to make lasagne from scratch. By the time I had it in the oven, I felt grubby and sweaty. It had been a long day. Glancing at the clock, I figured I had just enough time for a shower before the food was ready. I lavished myself with my favourite coconut body wash and felt clean and relaxed by the time I emerged.
I heard the front door open and voices chatting as I wrapped myself in a towel.
"Something smells amazing. I could eat a horse," Callum exclaimed and I smiled to myself.
"Me too," said Leanne and I just slipped my feet into my flip-flops when I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I didn't think too much of it until the door handle turned and Trev stepped inside.
I should've shouted for him to get out, but for some reason my mouth wouldn't work. I stood there, gripping the edge of the towel that was wrapped around my body. Trev's eyes went huge when he saw me, and he started to apologise.
"Shit, sorry Reya," he said, his breathing quickening as he retreated.
"It's fine," I replied and waved away his apology. "I'm just finished anyway." Besides, it wasn't like he hadn't seen it all before. The thought made a shiver run through me.
His gaze traced the lines of my shoulders. They were dotted with drops of water that fell from my wet hair.
"Here, let me," Trev murmured, his voice low as he grabbed a small towel from the rack. My heart stuttered when he came forward, stepped behind me and gathered my hair up into the towel in one swift move. It was a tight twist on top of my head when he was done and I uttered a quiet, "Thanks," while his fingers swiped away one of the drops on my shoulder.
I closed my eyes for a second and swallowed tightly, unable to move, barely able to breathe. The tension thickened until it was too much to bear. His fingertips continued their journey across my shoulder and down my upper arm. I took a step away, creating distance between us. Every molecule in my body fizzled, loosened, making me feel more like liquid than flesh.
"I made dinner for everyone," I managed, still facing away from him, my hand on the door handle. "Can you, um, dish it out while I go get dressed?"
"Sure, yeah. No problem," he answered, his voice cracking a little.
I opened the door and hurried to my room. As soon as I entered the hallway I could breathe again. What the hell was I thinking just standing there like that? Letting him touch me?
But what if Karla was right? Maybe this _was_ where I was supposed to be. Maybe letting Trev touch me was the right thing to do. When his hands were on me it certainly didn't feel wrong.
But then, that had always been the way, hadn't it? When he was near I felt happy and content, but when he was gone I felt down, lower than ever. Abandoned.
I dressed quickly in a loose summer dress and tied my wet hair up in a bun. When I entered the kitchen everybody was gathered around the table eating. There were two crewmembers filming, which I didn't totally get because the group wasn't doing anything all that interesting right then.
"Can you put this on?" one of them asked quietly. He handed me the same microphone from earlier. Were they seriously going to film us talking while we ate dinner? I didn't think we'd be coming out with any entertaining nuggets given how exhausted everyone was, but I shrugged and put it on anyway.
"Here, I saved you a plate," said Trev, gesturing to the seat next to him. "It tastes great."
"You're a fantastic cook," James added in agreement.
"Yeah, this is delish," said Leanne.
"I wouldn't go that far," I replied with a smile. "But thanks. How did it go with Isaac?"
Trev arched a brow and shared a look with Callum. "It went well. Too well. We'll be lucky if that kid doesn't put us out of a job some day."
"Really?" I exclaimed, pleasantly surprised. It had been a complete shot in the dark when I lied and told Trev he was good.
"Little shit's got some skills," said Callum. "Even I can admit it."
"Don't you mean big shit?" Leanne put in. "If that boy grows any taller he'll hit the ceiling."
James laughed. "I'm just jealous of his teenage joints. Bet he doesn't even feel sore after a run."
"I'm actually thinking of asking him to come with us for the rest of the tour," said Trev as he lifted a fork to his mouth and I shot him a wide glance.
"You are?"
He nodded. "He could come on as a gofer during the day and I could train with him in the evenings."
"Wow. Did you mention any of this to him yet?"
"I hinted. I need to run it by Barry first."
"Well," I said, scooping up a bite of lasagne, "he's gonna hit the roof when you tell him."
Trev smiled big, like he was looking forward to it. "I know."
I had to admit, all of this was very unexpected. Isaac was a great kid, but I'd never known Trev to be so altruistic. He'd always been just a tiny bit selfish, though not in a bad way. I think it was just a survival mechanism from growing up poor. Two years ago, he would have seen Isaac as a threat, just another mouth to take a slice of the pie. Definitely not someone he could mentor. I was amazed and a little in awe.
"Here's a good one," said Callum, his phone in one hand while he ate with the other. "What are your top three pet peeves?"
Paul narrowed his gaze. "Where are you getting this from?"
Callum shrugged. "Some girl just asked me on Tinder."
I glanced at Leanne, but she didn't seem bothered by the fact that he was using a dating app. I was certain if he'd made the same announcement yesterday the shit would've hit the fan. But now she was all casual, completely chill. They really must've cleared the air, like, _seriously_ cleared the air, because this was a massive turnaround.
"If they ask for pictures don't send any," Neil warned, pointing his fork at Callum. He looked worried, which made me think there must've been trouble with that sort of thing in the past. I bet girls were constantly messaging him for dick pics.
Callum's lips curled in a smile. "Don't worry. I won't fall for that chestnut again."
I wanted to ask what he was referring to so badly, but I didn't want to come across as nosy.
"My biggest pet peeve is when people open a brand new carton of milk even though there's already a half empty one in the fridge," said James casting a sharp look in Callum's direction.
"I already told you, I thought it was gone off."
"You do it every time though, Cal." Paul chuckled.
"And I hate it when people check their phones at the dinner table," said Leanne, smiling cheekily at Callum.
"Hey! This isn't open season to attack Callum," he protested. "Cut me some slack."
"You asked the question," said Trev with a grin.
"Whatever. My pet peeve is when a bunch of bastards all gang up on an innocent and completely undeserving party."
Trev laughed. "'Course it is."
"I'll have you know my parents were legally wed when I was conceived," Paul added in a haughty tone.
"Do you know what really bugs me?" I said, thinking about it. "Actors on TV shows are always going into bars and holding up a finger to the barman for a drink, and the barman serves them even though they never say what they want."
"Maybe they can read minds," James suggested.
"Nah, if it's their local then the barman's gonna know their usual," said Callum.
"But sometimes it's a bar they've never been to before. Kalinda was always doing it on _The Good Wife_ ," I said.
"You've got to suspend your disbelief a little on that one," said Paul. "It saves valuable dialogue minutes to just hold up a finger."
"Is that a euphemism?" Callum waggled his brows.
"You wish," Paul shot back. "I saw you checking out my arse during filming today."
"Piss off."
"You _were_ right behind him," said Leanne, a lilting tease in her voice.
"Don't you start. Besides, the only arse I check out around here is yours."
Leanne had nothing to say to that, her face flushing bright red. I decided to be a good Samaritan and save her more embarrassment by changing the subject. "Actually, another thing I can't stand is Tinder. It literally makes me feel like there's no joy left in the world."
"You're on Tinder?" Trev asked, his shoulders tensing.
I cast him a glance. "Well, not anymore. I tried it out a while back, but all the dates I went on were terrible."
"Oh, I love a good dating horror story," said Paul. "Spill the beans."
"It wasn't so much that they were horror stories, they were just awkward. I feel like the more I fancy someone in a picture, the less I fancy them in real life. And the guys I might not like in pictures could be incredibly charismatic when I met them. Making decisions based on appearances is just so flawed."
"Oh my God, you're completely right," said Leanne in agreement. "My cousin once set me up with a friend of hers, and I didn't like the look of him at all when she showed me a photo. But then we met and I don't know, he wasn't conventionally attractive, but there was something about how he looked at me when I was talking that gave me butterflies. Like he was really listening to what I said, you know?"
I thought I heard Callum let out a quiet scoff, but thankfully Leanne didn't hear.
"Oh, totally," I answered, ignoring Callum. "That's why I never judge a book by its cover."
Trev had gone very quiet, and though the conversation continued he didn't speak much for the rest of the meal.
"You wanted to talk?" he asked low, coming up beside me as I brought my dish to the sink. Paul and James had offered to do the clean up, but I was determined to at least bus my own plate.
I glanced at Trev, noticing the tension in his shoulders was still there. "Yes, um," I looked behind me and saw the camera crew were packing up to leave, which was a relief. "Can we go out onto the balcony?" I asked, at the same time turning off my microphone. The balcony was the only private place I could think of.
"Sure," he answered and placed his hand to the small of my back to lead me out. His heat sank into me and I suppressed the urge to close my eyes.
It was a cool night. The dress I wore was sleeveless and it felt good to have the breeze hit my skin. Probably because Trev's hand made me feel so hot.
"We're heading to Paris tomorrow. Are you excited?" I asked as I sat down on one of the deck chairs.
"Yeah, should be fun," Trev replied and took the seat next to me.
Remembering he probably had a mic on, too, I reached over and began searching his torso. He let out a chuckle like I was making him ticklish. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to find your mic. I bet that Jimbo is listening to everything we say. Nosy bugger."
Trev didn't argue and I found it tucked into the waistband of his jeans. He sat forward to grant me better access, and my fingers brushed the bare skin of his back. I noticed how neither one of us commented on moments like these. Like Trev could've easily switched it off himself, but he'd rather let me do it. I could've easily told him to turn it off, but I'd rather do it because that meant I got to touch him.
I was so far gone there was no use trying to climb back to where I was supposed to be. I planned to keep things platonic. I planned to focus on my music. But I'd barely written anything in days and all I could think about was him. When he walked into a room, my eyes instinctively followed.
"So," I said as I sat back, my curiosity getting the better of me. "What exactly was all that about Callum sending pictures to girls on Tinder?"
Trev's brow rose. "You don't know?"
I shook my head. He exhaled heavily and let out a light chuckle. "It was all over the gossip sites a few months back. I can't believe you never heard about it."
"Well, I don't really read gossip sites." _Not unless I'm having a particularly bad day and making the poor decision to google your name_ , my subconscious added.
His eyes traced the line of my jaw before coming to rest on my lips. "Guess you're too classy for the likes of that, huh?"
"Too busy trying to make rent, more like," I replied.
He stared at me for a long moment, then seemed to shake himself out of it. "So, like I said, this all happened a few months back. Callum was having cybersex with some girl he met online. She convinced him to send pictures, and I'm not talking about photos of his grannie's seventieth birthday party. Dumb bastard goes ahead and snaps a bunch of shots of his wedding tackle. Then _boom_ , the next day they're splashed all over the Internet."
My hand went to my mouth in shock. "Did they show his face?"
"Nah, he was clever enough to keep the camera downstairs at least. Our PR rep tried spinning it that they were fakes, but nobody really believed that since the girl had screen shots of their entire conversation. The scandal didn't do him any harm though. It only had more girls coming onto him, since the pictures were a little too complimentary."
I laughed at that. "Oh yeah?"
"I still say it was a lucky angle."
"Well, he doesn't need his ego stroked any more than it already is, that's for sure."
Trev cast me a considering glance. "You don't like Cal much, do you?"
"I don't _not_ like him. I just find him difficult to warm to."
"Because of how he treats Leanne?"
I shrugged. "That's one part of it."
"Reya, I know you look at them and see a younger version of us, but their situation is completely different. Trust me."
"So Callum's just misunderstood?"
"Nope. He's a dickhead. But he's a dickhead who has his reasons."
"We all have our reasons, but there comes a time when we have to decide whether to keep letting them rule our lives or make an effort to change." _Like you're doing_ , I wanted to add, but that was a whole other conversation I wasn't quite ready to get into. A long few moments of quiet passed. Unspoken words drifted heavy in the air between us.
Trev leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he stared out at the city all lit up for the night. He seemed to be considering his words for a minute before he asked, "Do you get touched enough, Reya?"
I blinked, his question blindsiding me. "Um, touched as in—"
"Today when I held your hand you went off on that tangent about hand holding and how you wished adults did it more often," he replied and turned to meet my eyes. His gaze was thoughtful. "So, I'm asking if you need someone to hold your hand. Or you know, touch you?"
I bit my lip, feeling peculiar from the way he was looking at me. "That doesn't sound very friendly."
"It can be whatever you want it to be."
"I really don't know what you're getting at, Trev."
He raked a hand through his hair and glanced away for a second. "I just don't like the idea of you feeling lonely. I never did."
That was funny because in the past he'd constantly left me on my own. "You don't?"
"Remember the night when we went to that dine-in-the-dark restaurant and I put my foot in my mouth like usual? I said we didn't need partners because we'd always have each other."
I did. Too well. It was the first night we slept together. We didn't have sex, but there'd been intimacy. "Yeah, I got pissed because you were condemning me to a life of spinsterhood."
Trev's expression grew pained, probably remembering how hurt I'd been. "It upset me so much to think of you feeling that way, alone and just wanting someone to love you. I felt like a piece of shit for upsetting you."
"It was a long time ago."
"I was still a fuckwit. Sometimes I can't believe how stupid I was back then. I was too blind to see that I was fighting for all the wrong things."
My chest squeezed. "You've got a pretty good life now, so some of the things you were fighting for must've been the right ones."
He didn't say anything for a few moments, just studied me like I was a storyboard full of thought bubbles. When he spoke his voice was soft. "Even now I don't like the idea of you being lonely when I'm right here. So, you know, if you ever need someone to—"
"Touch me?" I asked archly. I couldn't help the smile tugging at my lips.
"Okay, wrong choice of words but you know what I mean. If you ever need company, someone to hold your hand, just come find me, yeah?"
Butterflies fluttered in my chest. What he was offering was just so . . . romantic. _Thoughtful. Empathetic._ I could never imagine the old Trev offering me something like this, putting my feelings above everything else. It just never would've occurred to him. I hate to say it, but he really did take me for granted back then. Then again, can I really blame him when I was so willing to take any scraps he deigned to throw my way?
I stared into his eyes and saw the truth. He was acknowledging how he treated me in the past and he was trying to make up for it. This was his penance. It might've bothered me if I couldn't see the sheer remorse in his eyes for his past actions.
"Okay, Trev, I'll come find you."
Happiness flooded his features as a slow smile spread across his lips. He looked thankful for the chance to simply be around me, and it was so bizarre. We sat in quiet for a little while before he spoke again.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" His voice was low and serious. He must've sensed this wasn't going to be an easy topic.
A car horn honked from below; the noise of the city was all around us, even though we were situated in a private little bubble. It felt pleasant to just be alone with him. I turned my body to face him and clasped my hands together.
"I'm pretty sure Barry is trying to work our relationship into the show."
Trev's brows furrowed as he studied me. "What makes you think that?"
"Just a vibe. I'm being filmed a lot more than I think is warranted. Plus, you know they always work a personal angle into the episodes. In the first season, it was all about Paul and his ex-girlfriend. In the second it was Callum and Leanne and their whole love-hate thing. In this season, it can't be you and me. I can't let that happen."
His eyes flicked back and forth between mine. "How do you know it won't be Callum and Leanne again? Things might've settled down between them now but it never lasts long."
I thought on that. He definitely had a point. "Maybe you're right. I just worry."
Trev studied me, his brows drawn in thought. "So what if they do feature us? What harm can it do?"
I shot him a look of disbelief. "Uh, it can do plenty of harm. I don't want to become 'known', not even a little bit. And I don't want those gossip magazines that write about you looking into my background. That wouldn't end well."
His expression intensified, understanding dawning on him. "If any journalist wrote a single word about your past I'd make sure they never worked again."
"That's very noble, but I'd rather not take the chance." Plus, that wasn't exactly how things worked nowadays. Once something was out in the world of all things cyber, it was impossible to pull.
Trev swore under his breath. I saw a million thoughts buzz around in his head. "I'll try convince Barry to pick another angle, but you've already signed all the contracts. If they want to use you there's not much we can do about it."
"Then I'll leave."
His face flashed with anger. "You can't leave. You'd be breaking the terms of the contracts by doing that, too." I thought maybe there was another reason, but I didn't voice it.
Still, I deflated because he was right about the contracts. This had the potential to become such a mess.
He threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him in a soft embrace. "I'll try and make sure nothing comes of it, okay?"
I stared into his eyes, wishing there was some way he could guarantee it, but I guessed trying was the best he could do. "Okay."
We were both quiet then, and I thought about what was transpiring between us. Because despite my best intentions, things _were_ transpiring. I knew deep down that he cared for me. But sometimes his emotions were still like a swinging pendulum. Horny and sexy one moment, caring and thoughtful the next. It was confusing, but it was Trevor. _A man I still loved with every part of my heart._ Whether I ever gave him that again would be something I'd war against. __ Karla told me to have fun, but I knew being safe— _heart_ safe—might be more important after all.
# Fifteen.
### Past.
I rubbed my thumb across the screen of my phone, wondering if I should text Trev, check in and see how everything was going. He'd started filming for the show, so he was practically unreachable. Again. This time I knew he had a good reason though.
I decided to distract myself with a latte and some window shopping, since I couldn't afford to spend any actual money. I was strolling through Covent Garden, admiring the dresses in the window display of a boutique that probably cost more than I made in a month. Hell, several months. It was a nice day, though, which made up for the fact that I was broke and my boyfriend was off filming a TV show that would make him a huge star.
I could feel it in my bones, like this giant godlike hand called Fame was about to scoop him up and deposit him in another world. A world where only the charismatic and the beautiful lived. I wasn't particularly charismatic, nor very beautiful. I was carrying a little too much weight, my nose was too wide, and my hair was prone to frizz. Putting Trev and me together was like pairing Esmeralda with Quasimodo.
"You are not Quasimodo," said Alexis, pointing her finger at me. She'd talked her way into joining me for the day, but she was just as skint as I was, so she was only in the market for window shopping, too.
"Although, Trev does have the spirit of a gypsy. Do you think he'd mind if I called him Esmeralda next time I see him?"
"Please do." I chuckled. I loved Alexis. She always had a way of making me laugh. She was fun to be around and definitely made me feel less alone, which was a common theme for me these days.
"So, how are things between you two?"
I shrugged. "We'd have to actually see one another for there to be _things_ , but we rarely do anymore, so I don't really know how to answer that question."
"Ah well, I bet when filming wraps up he'll be more than willing to make it up to you."
"He better," I said grumpily just as a shop door opened and two very familiar women stepped out. Time stood still as I came face to face with Sofia Cabrera, my mother, and Paula, my older sister. It had been at least two years since I had the misfortune of bumping into them last, maybe three. I stood frozen in place as my gaze met my mother's and she stared right through me like I didn't even exist. The only sign of recognition was a momentary flash in her aged brown eyes. Her back straightened, her lips drew into a thin line and she tightened her grip on her handbag, like I was some low-down thief who might try and steal it.
" _Mamá_ , what's wrong?" my sister asked before she saw me standing there. If I blinked I might've missed it, but I saw the briefest flicker of sympathy in her gaze. My sister was the one member of my family who felt bad for me, but she was too spineless to ever speak out.
"Nothing is wrong. Come along, Paula," said Mother as she slid her arm through my sister's and turned to walk away. She had that dignified calm about her, but I knew rage, indignation, and shame simmered just beneath the surface. Not shame for her herself, but shame of me, for how she thought I tried to ruin her.
"Um, who was that?" Alexis asked, having noticed the weird tension.
"My mum and sister," I answered in a hollow voice. I had to keep my insides empty, otherwise I'd feel every ounce of pain their rejection solicited. Sometimes I lay awake at night just thinking of all the arguments I wanted to have with them, all the things I wished to say.
_Soy tu hija. ¿Cómo puedes actuar como si no existiera?_
_I'm your daughter, how can you act like I don't exist?_
"Oh," Alexis breathed, her voice soft. I wondered if Karla had filled her in about my family. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, but I think I better go home now. I, um, have a bunch of stuff I need to do."
She nodded, her eyes sad but sympathetic. "Okay, well call me if you want to talk."
Later that evening the floor of my apartment was littered with papers, some of them crumpled up, others flat and spread out on the carpet. I was trying to vent my pain through writing, pour my feelings into the words, but it wasn't enough. I needed to cry. Being away from Trev made it more difficult to deal with seeing my mother and sister. The rejection felt doubled somehow.
I collected several scraps of paper and carried them to my keyboard. I started to sing, my fingers finding the keys instinctively, a song coming out of me all on its own. Sometimes this happened. The music simply wrote itself. The lyrics told a story that leaked from my very soul.
By the time I was finished there were tears streaming down my face and I was heaving big, messy sobs. No matter how much progress I made, no matter how strong and secure I felt some days, the mere sight of my family reduced me to a sobbing mess of a girl all over again.
When I looked up I startled, because there in the doorway stood Trev. Embarrassment struck me. I was certain my face was red and blotchy from crying. I lifted my hands and tried to wipe away the tears as I cleared my throat.
"What are you doing here? Y-you're supposed to be filming."
"Alexis called me."
Oh, God. Now I felt even more embarrassed. Alexis had been so worried about me that she'd gone out of her way to call Trev.
"She didn't need to do that," I said in a small voice.
Trev stepped into the room, his eyes dipping down sadly as he looked at me. His voice was tender when he spoke, "Yeah, you're obviously doing brilliant."
He came and sat next to me. I couldn't meet his gaze, not when I felt so raw. I was completely cut open. Everything I usually kept sealed tight was on display.
All I could manage was a watery, "Shut up," before he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight.
"When I see you like this I just want to go knock on their door and tell them exactly what they've lost. I want to tell them how amazing you are and that it's their loss if they're too proud to admit they were wrong."
"They'll never admit that. If they break one illusion the whole framework will collapse, because their entire lives are built on lies and an antiquated belief system."
Trev traced his fingertips under my eyes, wiping away some of the wetness. "I've fucking missed you like mental."
I let out a sad laugh. "You always say that these days."
"That's because it's true," he replied and pulled me up to stand. He led me the few steps it took to reach my bed, then guided me down onto the mattress. "I'm gonna make you forget all the hurt, just for a little while," he murmured, reaching for the button at the waist of my jeans.
My breathing grew choppy as I watched his gaze darken. I lay still while he dragged my jeans down over my hips until they were completely off. Next he tugged off my underwear, doing away with all my clothes until I was fully naked. He was still dressed, his attention moving from my face to my breasts and then down between my thighs. My throat ran dry with anticipation when he crawled between my legs, spreading my thighs wide to fit around his shoulders.
"Let's see how you taste," he murmured seductively and brought his mouth to my sex. I gasped when his hot, wet tongue licked my clit. I dug my feet into the mattress and arched my spine. He ate at me deeper, until my every pore came alive. _That_ was helping me forget the pain, because right then all I felt was pleasure. His presence was a drug in itself, but doing this to me made me forget my ever-loving mind.
I cried out when he slid two fingers inside, their rhythm matching the licks and sucks of his mouth.
"Come," he urged on a groan, the sound of his voice vibrating through me.
I moaned and arched my spine even more. I could feel my orgasm building like a coiled spring inside me. Trev brought his warm hand to my lower stomach and there was something about the touch that set me off. I came with a loud expletive, my gaze meeting his as he drew out the waves of my pleasure.
"You're so fucking sexy," he said and climbed up my body to capture my mouth in a kiss. I could taste myself on him and our kiss went on forever. I grew aroused again and began tugging at his clothes. I needed him inside me.
"Take these off," I whispered and felt him shake his head.
"I really want to," he huffed. "But I can't. I have to get back on set, otherwise our director is gonna string me up by the testicles."
"Didn't you tell anyone you were leaving?" I asked, breathless. Disappointment filled me. I'd hoped I'd at least get him for the night. Just one night.
"No. I got Alexis's call and I had to come find you."
Now I understood why he'd kept all his clothes on. I felt uneasy thinking that I'd only had half of him here with me, the other half was back on set. I thought his full attention was on me for once, but it wasn't.
"Oh," I muttered, shifting away from him. I pulled the blanket around myself to cover up and curled into the foetal position. Every part of me felt raw and bruised after seeing Paula and Mum, but now it felt like someone had taken sandpaper and rubbed it over the wounds. Why couldn't I ever be the main priority in someone's life? Was it selfish to want to be number one to just one person?
Maybe it was. Maybe I should just settle for these scraps. Maybe that was all I was worth in the end. After all, if my own family could side with an acquaintance over their own flesh and blood, then perhaps I wasn't really worth much at all. It felt as if two of the most important people in my life had cast me aside. I wasn't worthy of _their_ time, or _their_ love.
_I_ wasn't worthy.
Tears rose to the surface again, but I didn't heave or sob. I just let them slide soundlessly down my cheeks to land on the pillow. I was grateful to be facing away from Trev, so he couldn't see the hurt he caused me. _Yes, he'd come to find me. But I didn't need an orgasm. I just needed to be wanted. To be loved. Held . . . Enough._
My head was so messed up that I honestly couldn't tell if my pain was warranted or if I was overreacting because of the day's earlier events.
Careful to keep my voice normal, I said, "You should probably get back. Thanks for coming over. I feel so much better now." It was a lie, of course, but there was no sense telling him the truth. _He didn't have time for the truth._ The truth would mean staying with me when he had a job to get back to.
He was quiet for a long moment, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. In the end he bent and pressed a soft kiss to my shoulder. "I'll come see you this weekend, okay? I promise."
I bobbed my head, still not looking at him. "Okay, see you then."
"I love you, Reyrey," he whispered, but I didn't respond. If I said anything else he'd hear the tears in my voice.
After a tension-filled moment of quiet, the door opened and shut and then I was on my own again. At least there was one thing that never let me down.
_Loneliness_.
# Sixteen.
The sky was darkening by the time we arrived in Paris. Just a short two-hour journey and we were in a whole other country. It was crazy. I sat next to Isaac for the trip, mainly because I saw the look of fear in his eyes and thought he could use the company. Don't get me wrong, I knew he was excited to be there, but he was also a fish out of water, much like I had been on the first day. He was constantly staring wide-eyed at everyone, like he couldn't believe this was really happening.
"You'll be staying with the film crew," Neil told him as we all got into minibuses to head to our accommodation. "So you need to get on the last bus."
"All right. Got it." Isaac nodded before glancing at me.
"Are you going to be okay?" I asked, worried he might be feeling a bit intimidated.
"I grew up in a township, Reya. I think I'll survive bedding down with the camera crew for a couple of weeks."
"Just making sure."
"You sound like my mum. She never stops fretting."
"How did she take your leaving to come on the road?"
"She's worried sick but it's my choice. I'm nineteen."
"Reya!" Trev called from where he stood by the open door of a waiting minibus. "Come on. We're leaving."
"I'll be there in a second," I called back and gave Isaac one last reassuring look. "If anyone gives you trouble, come find me, yeah?"
He gave me a look like I was being overprotective—and I was, considering we barely knew each other. I guess I felt responsible for him being here.
"I'll be fine. Go," he answered, shooing me away.
The apartment we were renting in Paris was only slightly bigger than the one in Brussels. I was sharing a room with Leanne again, but this time we had an en-suite. It was a relief after the encounter with Trev the night before. I wasn't sure my willpower could take another bathroom mix-up.
The city was a glitter of lights and people. I couldn't wait to see it properly in the morning, but there was something about Paris at night that felt electric. I wanted to experience it first-hand.
"We should go out," Callum announced, and for the first time I was on the same page as him. I wanted to go out, too.
"I'm wrecked," James sighed. "Plus, I promised Diana a Skype date tonight, so I'm going to stay in, but you lot should go."
"I'm up for it," said Paul, looking to Trev. "How about you?"
Trev slid a hand in his jeans pocket and shrugged, casting me a wicked glance. "I'll go if Reya does."
"Sure, I'm in," I answered easily and he shot me a look of surprise. He must've been expecting me to make up an excuse.
An hour later I'd freshened up, put on a purple skater dress with a dipped neckline, and some heels. Not that I needed the extra height. I just liked how toned they made my calves look.
"Hey, look at you," Paul exclaimed as I entered the living area. "I like your dress. Very sex-ay."
Trev shot him a disgruntled glare but Paul ignored it. Sometimes I think he flirted with me just to rile Trev. He cleared his throat, his gaze warm as it lingered on how the dress skimmed the curve of my hips.
"You look beautiful," said Trev, a crack in his voice.
A shimmering heat travelled over me and I uttered a quiet, "Thanks. Um, should we invite Isaac? I feel bad that he has to stay with the crew."
"There's no room for him here," Neil huffed defensively, his ever-present tablet on his lap. "It was the only place I could find to put him." He looked set for a long night of work and I worried my lip, wondering if I should be staying in and working, too.
"No, I completely understand, but, uh, do you need me to stay and help you? I don't want to go out if there's work that needs to be done."
"Not at all." Neil waved me away. "I'm mostly replying to a backlog of emails and it'd take more time explaining to you what they're about since they're several months old. Go, enjoy yourself."
"Yeah, quit trying to get out of it. You're coming with us," said Paul.
"And unfortunately, so are they," Leanne added when Jimbo and several other crewmembers stepped inside the apartment.
My excitement for the night ahead deflated. I wasn't sure I could enjoy myself with cameras watching. Trev saw my disappointment but there was nothing he could do about it. Being filmed was his job. He couldn't exactly tell them _not tonight, Joséphine_.
I smiled at my Napoleon-themed reference and headed for the door. "I'll go grab Isaac. Be back in five."
A half hour later we were in the VIP section of an upscale Parisian nightclub. Callum and Paul were on the dance floor surrounded by a crowd of women vying for their attention, while Leanne sat next to Isaac. The two were deep in conversation, about what I wasn't sure, parkour talk probably. It only functioned to punctuate the quiet between Trev and me. He was being uncharacteristically stoic, but he barely took his eyes off me. His attention had the pores on my arms standing on end.
"Want another drink?" he asked, bending close to my ear. His breath on my skin made my belly flutter.
I lifted my glass to show him it was still half full. "Maybe in a little bit."
I turned my attention away just when the song changed to a dance remix of "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. It was hard not to laugh. This song seemed to haunt me when it came to Trev. In fact, I used to sing it all the time when I busked on the street. Who knew Miley would be the one to speak to my heart and soul? I couldn't have found a song that described us better if I wrote it myself.
"You used to cover this one, remember?" Trev asked, surprising me. Self-consciousness tugged at my chest to think of him knowing why I sang it, how I sometimes subtly changed the lyrics to describe him.
_You came in like a wrecking ball._
Any songs I wrote for Trev I rarely played if I knew he was in the audience. Those songs left me too exposed. I'd rather sing them for strangers.
I cast him a quick glance. "Uh-huh."
The club was loud, which meant he had to sit close for me to hear him. I caught a waft of his cologne and struggled not to bury my face in his neck and inhale.
His mouth did this attractive little quirk at the corner. "I know you used to sing it about me."
I stiffened and pretended I couldn't hear him. "What?"
His low chuckle made a pleasant vibration. "Okay. We'll play it like that if you want."
"Look at Paul," I said, changing the subject. "He's got some serious moves."
"I know you don't fancy him, Reya, so quit trying to make me jealous."
"When did I ever say I fancied Paul?"
"You didn't, but you're trying to make me think you do. Actually, I thought you did for a while, but I was wrong."
"How do you reckon that?"
"I know when you're attracted to someone. You have a few tells."
I scoffed to cover my nerves. "Bullshit."
He grinned wide and took a swig of the gin and tonic he'd been nursing all night. "Try me."
I rolled my eyes. "Okay, I'll bite. What are they?"
He set the glass down and reached out to stroke my cheek. "You get flushed." His fingers moved up. "Your pupils dilate." Next they moved down, and my breathing stuttered when his hand moved to my hair, where I was twisting a strand around my finger. "And you do this with your hair."
"You're m-making this up," I stammered.
"Believe that if you want."
Our eyes met and time felt suspended for a moment. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, breaking the connection.
Leanne. _Phew._
"You want to dance?" she shouted over the music, Isaac behind her.
It was the perfect excuse to get away from Trev's heated attention, plus I did love to dance, so I happily agreed. Isaac stayed behind, so it was just the two of us on the dance floor. Callum and Paul were at the other end of the club, still surrounded by revellers.
"You looked like you needed rescuing," Leanne yelled in my ear as we danced.
I shot her a grateful smile. "I did. Thanks for that."
"Any time."
We danced out the rest of the song before I asked, "So, you and Callum seem to be getting along better?"
She made a non-committal gesture. "We realised we needed to let it go. Neither one of us can be what the other wants, but we've been through a lot together. I'd rather be friends than nothing at all."
I pondered her words and wondered, if I'd come to the same conclusion about Trev two years ago, would it have worked out? Could we have forgotten the whole lovers thing and just gone back to being friends?
Probably not. _There had been too many years of build up._
Anyway, I had to live in the present instead of wallowing in what ifs. He was back in my life now, acting like he wanted to start something up again. The only difference was he wasn't disappearing on me this time, flickering on and off like a cheap candle. Now he was with me every day, always on hand if I needed him. Was this his way of showing me how it could be between us if I gave him another shot?
It just felt like a massive step backwards. Sure, I'd never really gotten over him, but would I recover if I let myself fall for him again and he let me down? After we spent our three weeks together, what then?
A group of guys slowly sidled up to us. One of them started dancing with Leanne while another moved closer to me. I wasn't interested in dancing with him, which was fucked up in itself because he was attractive and probably had a sexy French accent to boot. I was far too pre-occupied with the blue-eyed Londoner sitting in the VIP section to even notice anyone else. I knew he was watching me, even though I couldn't see him. I could just feel it.
Speaking of being watched. I'd almost forgotten that the film crew were scattered around the club, capturing footage, though I suspected they were focused on Paul and Callum's antics more than anything else.
I startled when two arms came around my waist. Thinking it was one of the men who'd started dancing with us, I twisted around to tell him I wasn't interested only to find Trev staring down at me. His eyes shone in the dark club, the flashing lights turning them into a spectrum of every colour.
I opened my mouth to say something when his arms tightened around my waist and pulled me closer. My chest pressed into his when he bent low to murmur, "Just dance with me for a minute."
There was something about his tone that made me give in without a single protest. The crowded club and the music and his closeness all combined to overload my senses. My throat ran dry when his thumb moved back and forth over the base of my spine. We moved to the beat, not once breaking eye contact. Like many times before, I was caught up in his web.
I was the suicidal fly that wanted to be eaten.
My nipples hardened. I could feel them brushing sensitively against the fabric of my bra. I just hoped the padding prevented Trev from feeling them, too. The song changed to something with a heavier bass line. Sound waves hit me right in the pit of my stomach.
His hands started to move, exploring the curves of my hips before coming to rest on my backside. He gave a soft squeeze and my arousal shot sky high. This wasn't dancing. This was _claiming_.
He lowered his mouth to my neck and whispered in my ear, "I miss how you come."
Those words made me tremble. So confidently seductive. Trev had always been in control in the bedroom. He liked to give orders, and there was a rebellious side to me that liked to protest. I think he enjoyed that even more than if I just did as he asked.
His mouth found my earlobe, his tongue dipping out in a feather-light lick. I practically turned to liquid in his arms, closing my eyes.
"You should stop doing that if you don't want everyone to see me come on this dance floor," I shot back, feeling a little unstable.
"Wouldn't want that." I could _feel_ his smirk.
I couldn't help the smile that curled my lips in return. He just had this way of pulling it out of me. Trying to be brave, I asked, "What else do you miss?"
He nuzzled my neck and started to hum. "Hmm, let me see. I miss your laugh. I miss how you used to give me shit for being an arsehole. I miss when you used to stay over in my room and all we did was sleep. I miss hanging out with you in your tiny flat. I miss hearing you sing for me."
His words were like a declaration. They overwhelmed me, bringing on a memory. I was staying the night at his house, because we were watching movies and it had gotten too late for me to go home. We'd lain on his narrow bed, fully clothed because back then we were still just friends. Trev surprised me by asking me to sing him a lullaby. I initially thought he was joking, but then I saw the serious look on his face, so I sang to him. It was one of the most intimate moments we'd ever shared. There'd just always been this feeling of closeness between us. I could get off on as little as a shared look or a touch of his hand. I fell headfirst into the past.
_His hand brushed up and down my spine as I sang the chorus to "Galileo" by Declan O'Rourke. It was overly sweet and romantic and I felt weird and self-conscious by the time I finished. Maybe it had been the wrong choice, but then Trev looked at me with such a fierce intensity I thought he might kiss me._
_Instead he asked, "Why don't you ever talk about your family, Reya?"_
_My heart sank. He'd never asked me this question before. "Because nobody likes sad stories."_
_"I don't care if it's sad. I just want to know."_
_"Karla's the only one I've ever told."_
_"Now I'm insulted. She's only your second-best friend. Everybody knows I'm your first," he quietly teased._
_I gave him a small smile and wondered if he was right. He was my best friend. Maybe he did deserve to know the truth, where I came from, what I'd been through. I was speaking before I even realised words were coming out of my mouth._
_"I was raised very firmly within the Catholic church," I began. Trev didn't let up stroking my back and it helped to soothe my tension. We lay side by side on the bed, facing each another. "My dad owns a restaurant where I grew up in Enfield, so my parents have always been involved in the community, especially the church. I was actually taught to play piano by a nun, believe it or not. Anyway, my childhood was very regimented. I was the youngest of four children and my parents ran a tight ship. I always had to conduct myself in a respectable manner. Like, if I wore a neckline that was too low or a top that was too tight, my father would literally ground me for a week. Not exactly easy when you've got a body like mine. My boobs make everything look too tight."_
_Trev gave me a tender smile and I paused to swallow, because talking about it always upset me. Trev didn't say anything, but I could see I had his full attention._
_"There was a businessman in my parish, my father's acquaintance, who came to our house for dinner one evening. I'd always gotten a sketchy vibe off him, but when he came to dinner I was seriously on edge. There was just something creepy about how he looked at me. I was eighteen and had just started university to study music. My mother was bragging proudly about the program I'd gotten into and how competitive it was, how I'd be playing solos with the London Symphony Orchestra one day. He was impressed and offered for me to play at an upcoming company event he was hosting at my father's restaurant. I was wary of the offer, but my parents were over the moon._
_"A couple of weeks later the night of the event came. The restaurant was full of people and I sat by the piano playing instrumental pieces, pre-approved by Mum and Dad. By midnight everybody was tipsy. I finished up and went out back to use the bathroom when I bumped into him."_
_"Reya," Trev breathed. I could tell my story was agitating him by the way his pulse ticked in his throat._
_"It's hard to t-talk about the next bit," I whispered._
_Trev's jaw tensed. "Did he hurt you?"_
_I nodded. Trev swore profusely, saying how he was going to find this guy and kill him, break every bone in his body. I knew he didn't mean it. He was just angry. Angry like my parents_ should _have been._
_"I was in shock for about a week after. Mum thought I had the flu and that's why I wouldn't leave my bed. In the end, she realised I wasn't sick so she dragged me out of my room. I was so upset that I told her everything, and then she . . . she looked me right in the eye and told me I was lying. She said I was trying to bring shame on the family. I shouted at her and ran to my father, thinking he might be more sympathetic, but I only got the same response. I still can't tell whether they truly thought I was lying or if they were just so frightened of a scandal and the attention it would bring that they'd rather choose not to believe me."_
_"Pair of bloody wankers," Trev grunted, his expression furious. "I actually want to hurt them."_
_I let out a sad sigh. "You shouldn't. I just feel sorry for them. They'd rather shun their youngest daughter than face the fact that she'd been raped by a man they welcomed into their home."_
_Trev pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight, like he couldn't stand to hear it put into words so bluntly._
_"I went to my brothers and my sister after that, hoping they might believe me. My sister Paula did, and my brother Samuel, too. But my oldest brother, Lucas, he was too much like my father. He didn't want to believe. He went to my parents and told them how I was trying to stir up trouble. They tried grounding me but I'd already packed my bags. I couldn't live in a house with people who refused to believe the truth, so I went to stay with my next-door neighbour, Mrs Finnegan." I smiled sadly, remembering how fierce that old bird had been. "I used to call her my English granny because she always looked out for me. She was the only person I ever saw tell my parents exactly what she thought of them. They basically told me not to bother coming home. They weren't going to pay for my uni fees anymore, and as far as they were concerned I was no longer their daughter. It hurt like I'd been stabbed in the gut. They'd never been particularly loving parents, but I still couldn't believe they'd cut me out of their lives so callously. All to avoid judgement from the community."_
_When I finished speaking, we were both quiet for a long time. Trev held me so tight it was on the verge of being painful._
_"I want to ask you something but I'm afraid to hear the answer," he said finally, his body tense._
_"Just ask," I whispered, my face pressed into his warm shoulder._
_"What happened to the fucker who did it?"_
_I exhaled heavily. "He didn't get away with it, if that's what you're wondering."_
_"Then what?" he grunted, like he wished he'd been the one to dole out justice._
_"After I told Karla, she was just as angry as you. Without my knowledge, she looked into his background and found a bunch of charges for sexual assault, but all of them had been dropped. She suspected he'd paid the girls to drop them, or maybe their parents. When she came to me with the information, I was so upset to hear there had been others. Then I got angry. Karla wanted my permission to contact these women and see if they'd be willing to give new statements. If it turned out that they'd been coerced into changing their original statements through bribery or other means, they could be struck off the record." I paused to take a breath. "So, that's what we did."_
_"And he got sent away?"_
_I nodded. "It took over a year, but he finally got what he deserved. Fifteen years. The bribery charges on top of the sexual assault and rape upped the sentencing. But the public nature of the trial made my parents even more resentful. That was the final nail in the coffin for them."_
_"Jesus Christ, they don't fucking deserve you back in their lives, Reya. They never deserved you. I can't," he paused, raking a through his hair in frustration, "I can't believe you went through all this and I'm only hearing about it now."_
_"Don't hate me for not telling you. It's the hardest thing to talk about. And I just want to put it all behind me."_
_Trev stared at me for a long moment, thoughts flickering behind his eyes. "I know I can be unreliable and flighty sometimes, but I honestly can't help it. I want to be there for you and I'm gonna try harder. I want you to know you can trust me. If you ever need someone, I'm here."_
_I mustered a smile for him, because he was being incredibly sweet. "I know, and thank you. I guess you deserve that first-best-friend status, after all."_
# Seventeen.
The memory drifted away until I was back in the club, back on the crowded dance floor with Trev. Back in his arms, just like I'd been that night when I bared my soul.
I stared up at him. Our mouths were almost level since I was wearing heels. My attention went to his lips, the sculpted, masculine line of them. I wanted to kiss him so badly. My heart felt like it might burst if I didn't.
He watched me closely, expectant, waiting for me to make the first move. His eyes urged me to jump, dive, soar, do whatever it took to quench this thirst we both felt. I leaned in, closed my eyes, took a breath and then . . .
Raucous cheering sounded over the music and the spell broke. I was plunged headfirst back to reality as I moved away from Trev and looked up to see Callum scaling one of the columns that led to the mezzanine above the dance floor. He made it to the top only to have a pissed-off security guard meet him there. The guard grabbed him by the shirt collar and started yelling at him angrily.
"Shit, come on." Trev grabbed my hand and pulled me with him through the club. We'd just reached the bottom of the stairs when we came upon Callum being escorted off the premises by the same furious security guard. Jimbo and the others were getting it all on camera, not even bothering to intervene.
"It was a dare," Callum yelled, gesticulating wildly.
Leanne, Isaac and Paul came rushing out and we tried reasoning with the guard on Callum's behalf but it was no use. Callum was effectively barred from the club for life.
"We can always try somewhere else," I suggested.
"Fuck those arseholes. This place is shite anyway. We should go explore the city. Who's up for visiting the Eiffel Tower?"
"It's a little late for sightseeing," said Paul.
"No such thing," Callum exclaimed. "I bet it's romantic as fuck at night. Come on."
And that was how we found ourselves on a tram heading towards the Eiffel Tower in the middle of the night. Trev sat next to me, our almost-kiss hanging heavy in the air. Isaac sat staring out the window at the city as it went by, fascinated. Paul was googling which stop we should get out at, while Callum flirted relentlessly with Leanne in the seat in front of mine and Trev's.
"Leave me alone, you're drunk," she complained when he tugged on her short hair.
"But I like bothering you. It's my favourite thing to do."
She snorted. "Yeah, you don't have to tell me that."
Trev's hand rested on his thigh, but it was a tight squeeze on the two-seater so his fingers brushed against my knee. I adjusted my dress to cover more of my legs.
"You love it," said Callum, plastering on his most charming grin. "You pretend to hate it, but we both know you love it."
"If you want to believe that, fine."
"So if I suddenly started ignoring you completely you wouldn't be bothered?"
She let out a heavy sigh. "Why does everything have to be one extreme or the other with you? Why can't you just be . . . I don't know, normal?"
"Because normal is boring."
"Well, I must be very boring then."
Callum barked a laugh. "Are you saying you're normal?"
She lifted a shoulder. "I'm a lot more normal than you"
"Oh, dear God! I can't listen to this anymore. Just fuck and be done with it," Paul groaned. "Do either of you know how irritating it is to live with you both?"
Leanne bristled while Callum turned in his seat to face Paul. "Don't be jealous, honey-bunch. You know there's always room in my bed for you."
Paul laughed loudly. "Ha! I wouldn't go gay for you if you were the last man on earth. You can still catch chlamydia in the apocalypse, you know."
"So, you've got an end-of-the-world fantasy about me? Interesting," Callum shot back but Paul didn't rise to it. He only gave Callum the finger and returned his attention to his phone.
"It says we should get out at Trocadéro for the best view of the Eiffel Tower. That's just one more stop from here."
"Good work," I said, shooting him a smile and trying to ignore how Trev was studying my profile. "What?" I whispered, self-consciously tucking some hair behind my ear.
"You're gorgeous," he breathed.
I cast him a side-glance. "What are you after?"
"Everything. Nothing."
"You're in a mood. Stop it."
"We're in Paris. If I can't be in a mood here, then where can I be in one?"
Before I could respond, an announcement came over the speakers for our stop and we all hustled off the tram. I felt a little bad for the film crew, who had to lug their cameras around everywhere. Trev took my hand in his as we walked toward the large, open square. It had a massive water feature running through the middle, and the fountains shot high into the air like a liquid symphony. It took me a second to catch my breath.
The Eiffel Tower was all lit up on the other side of the Seine, glowing gold against the night sky. The setting would be terribly romantic if it weren't for the gang of hobos hanging out by one of the benches drinking cans of beer. I guess nothing was ever as charming as it appeared on TV.
Trev guided me over to the grassy area to sit. He threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled out his phone to snap a selfie. I managed to plaster on a smile just in time and he immediately uploaded it to Instagram with the caption, "Having a great time in Paris with my bestie."
"Hey. That was a sneak attack."
"Lee's been hassling me to post pictures. This should keep him happy for a few more days."
I laughed, because that did sound like Lee. "Your brother's like a mother hen sometimes."
"Don't get me started. I have to check in with him every morning or else he's hounding me to see if I'm okay."
"He just loves you."
"He thinks I'm gonna fall off the wagon."
I eyed him closely. "Is he right to be worried?"
"'Course not. I feel more balanced now than I have in a long time, probably ever," he said, but there was something in his expression that made me sense he was holding back. That maybe he was making it all sound a lot simpler than it actually was.
"So, the new medication's working?" I asked tentatively. We still hadn't spoken much about it, but I knew Trev was comfortable enough to tell me to back off if he felt I was prying.
"It's helping, but it's not a cure-all. I've actually been doing CBT and I find that works best."
"CBT?" I tilted my head curiously.
"Cognitive behavioural therapy. I have sessions every week with my doctor," he explained, and I remembered Leanne mentioning something about that before.
"Oh," I said, several thoughts churning around in my head. "And it helps?"
"If it didn't I'd be eyeing those fountains right now and considering jumping into them, so yeah, it definitely helps."
I laughed because right as he said it, Callum and Leanne began play fighting by the water's edge, both trying to push the other in. We watched them for a minute. All three of the film crew were capturing their antics. Paul and Isaac walked the perimeter of the square, snapping pictures on Paul's phone.
There was something I needed to ask Trev, and although he was calmer and making better emotional decisions, I still hesitated to break the comfort we currently shared. I'd hidden so much of my feelings from him years ago, and that had probably, in hindsight, been a good decision. But now? Now as we were moving back toward a new friendship? Now required honesty and backbone from me.
"Do you remember the evening when Alexis called you because I was upset, and you showed up at my flat to comfort me?" I asked, breaking the quiet.
Trev's shoulder brushed mine as he responded tightly. "Yeah, I remember."
I swallowed and continued, "If you'd been in therapy back then, do you think you still would've left me like you did?"
It only took him a beat to answer. His fingers came to my chin, turning my face to meet his gaze. "Reya, if I knew then what I know now, I would've quit the entire show just to stay with you."
My breathing quickened, as did my heart rate. Did he really mean that? "But . . . but it was the opportunity of a lifetime."
"No, it wasn't. Sure, I'm much better off money wise, but I've come to learn that jobs and wealth and possessions aren't opportunities, not the ones that really matter. People are. We spend so much time striving for status that we don't realise it's the people in our lives that bring us real happiness."
I was a little speechless. Valuing opportunity over people was what ultimately ended our relationship. Was he saying what I thought he was? Was he telling me he regretted his actions, leaving me in the lurch for days on end and being impossible to contact?
I stared at him. My eyes traced the strong line of his jaw, his almost translucent blue eyes, his full lips that were somehow still manly. Words tumbled out of my mouth in Spanish before I had a chance to censor them.
_"Creo que nunca tuve otra opción más que amarte."_
_I never had any other choice but to love you, did I?_
He tore his attention away from the view and glanced at me with affection. "Pretty as that sounded, I didn't understand a word."
_Yes, Trev, that's exactly the point._ "I know. Sorry."
His attention went to my lips for a second. "What did you say?"
I hesitated a moment, then lied, "I said it's a beautiful night and I'm glad I came on this trip."
His mouth curved into a tender smile. "I'm glad you came, too."
We both turned our attentions back to the view and I was lost in thought. A jolt shook me when I remembered I was wearing a microphone. We both were. Our whole conversation had been recorded, but the cameras weren't on us so they likely couldn't use it anyway. Still, we'd revealed a little too much. _I'd_ revealed a little too much, especially if there was anyone in the editing room who understood Spanish. I should've known better than to drink tequila. It always made me loose-lipped.
A squeal rang out and I looked ahead to see Callum had finally manoeuvred Leanne into the water. She stood under a fountain, her clothes and hair drenched, just as Paul crept up behind Callum and pushed him in, too.
"You little wanker," Callum shouted as Paul bent over laughing.
"Instant karma, baby," Paul shot back triumphantly.
Callum charged forward, grabbed Paul at the waist and pulled him into the water with them. Lots of splashing and yelling ensued.
I chuckled and Trev grinned wickedly. "You want to join them, don't you?"
"What? No," I lied.
"Come on, Reya, if you can't jump into a water fountain in Paris then where can you do it?"
"Man, you're going to use that reasoning for everything while we're here, aren't you?"
His grin widened. It was kinda sexy. "Sure am."
"I'll only jump in if you do, too."
Trev shook his head. "Nah, I'm a reformed character, remember? I'm only here to watch."
Why did that statement make my mind go to dirty places? I nudged him with my shoulder. "If you jump in with me I'll cook pancakes for breakfast."
Dimples dotted his cheeks. "Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Miss Cabrera. You know pancakes are my favourite."
"So, what's it gonna be?"
He let out a theatrical sigh. "Fine. But only because you asked so nicely. And only because I can't resist your pancakes."
I stood and dusted the grass from my dress, then held my hand out to him. "Nobody can. I'm writing a new song. It's called 'My Pancakes Bring All the Boys to the Yard.'"
Trev took my hand and I pulled him up. "So pancakes are a euphemism for . . ." He paused and ran his eyes slowly over my body. Prickles tugged at my insides. "Cuddles and hugs?"
I barked a laugh. "Yep. I give the best cuddles and hugs in all of London."
His voice dipped low, but it was still playful. "I think I remember."
His deep tone had me swallowing down a lump of desire. Memories flooded my head. When we reached the water, Leanne, Callum and Paul were soaked to the skin, playing a game of who can splash the other one more.
"Is it cold?" I called out, slipping off my heels.
"Yeah, but you get used to it," Leanne called back as she dodged a spray of water from Callum.
"Get in," Paul shouted. "Live a little."
Isaac watched from the other side of the fountain, his features a picture of amused befuddlement.
I shot a glance at Jimbo. "Are the mics waterproof?" He gave me a thumbs up. Well, hell, it looked like I really was doing this.
Trev took my hand in his. "On the count of three?"
I nodded. "One, two, thre—"
Before I could get the last word out, Trev pulled me into the water and I gasped from the cold. He lifted me up and flung me over his shoulder, then ran under one of the fountains. I yelped when the water hit my scalp, soaking my entire body in seconds.
"Let me down," I begged, struggling under his hold while he chuckled his amusement.
He loosened his grip and allowed me to slide down his body. My dress was plastered to my skin and it was a good thing the fabric was dark, otherwise everyone would be able to see _everything_. Still, every single contour of my body showed and I trembled at the way Trev's gaze devoured the soaked fabric that clung to my chest.
He stared down at me, his wet hair hanging over his forehead. "So, was it worth it?" he asked throatily, holding me to him.
"Not sure yet," I said and moved out of his grasp. I very slowly bent down into the water, spread out my palms then sprung up, showering him with liquid spray. " _Now_ it was worth it," I said, chuckling as he shook the wetness off like a dog. Specks of water flew at me and I turned to dive out of the way.
A second later he caught me from behind and I was instantly aware of the hardness in his pants. I shivered, my wet skin beading with goose pimples.
"I'll get you back for that," he threatened quietly right before a flashlight shone on us and somebody started shouting in French.
"Oh fuck," Callum swore. "Come on, come on. Let's go!"
Trev swept me out of the water just as I spotted the policemen hurrying toward us. I grabbed my heels off the grass while Trev took my hand and we ran. We didn't stop until we were on a busy street and people were looking at us funny. Obviously, because we were soaking wet.
Callum, Isaac and Leanne were just a few yards ahead of us, and Paul and the others were bringing up the rear. There was no sign of the police, so I hoped they'd given up their chase.
"That was a close call," I said, out of breath and shaking from the cold. I bent to slide my heels back on and Trev held my arm to keep me from tipping over.
"Thank fuck we lost them," said Callum, standing by the kerb and looking back the way we came.
"I'm starving, let's get food," Leanne complained, holding her arms around herself.
"We should go back to the apartment and have something there. We can't go anywhere in this state," Trev pointed out.
"I'm sure there's a burger bar somewhere that'll let us in," Callum disagreed.
Once the group was together, we traipsed down the street in search of a restaurant. Trev threw his arm around my shoulders, and though he was wet, too, I welcomed the warmth.
In the end, we found a McDonald's. It felt a little sacrilegious to be eating McDonald's while in Paris, but we were all too hungry to care at that point. Jimbo and the camera crew seemed to have clocked off, because they ordered food instead of filming us. I guessed they'd caught enough action for one night. Karla was going to flip when she saw the events of this episode, especially if they featured all the interaction between Callum and Leanne. I smiled fondly just thinking of her reaction.
"You okay?" Trev asked, studying my expression.
I swallowed a bite of my Big Mac and nodded. "Yeah, I just miss Karla. I was thinking of how much she's going to love the new series."
Trev shot me an indulgent smile. "We haven't even gotten started yet."
"Yeah, wait until you see what we've got planned for tomorrow," Callum added.
My interest was piqued. I knew the name of the location because I'd helped Neil with some of the scheduling, but I had no idea where it was or what it looked like.
"What's happening tomorrow?" I asked, excited.
Trev reached over to pinch my cheek. "Like Cal said, just you wait and see."
# Eighteen.
By the time we got back to the apartment it was almost two in the morning. We were still giddy and laughing about getting chased by policemen and I couldn't remember the last time I'd such a fun and unreservedly spontaneous night. It didn't surprise me that I liked being around Trev and his friends this much. Their energy and _joie de vivre_ was half the reason I'd agreed to come on the trip. Each of them in their own way made me feel like the world could be my oyster if I only had the courage to go out and grab it.
They were unapologetic in their enjoyment of life, whereas I was constantly apologising for things that weren't even my fault. Maybe it was because of how things ended with my family. Maybe I'd always feel to blame for things because they programmed me that way.
I shook myself out of my sombre thoughts. Because no matter how scarred I was by my parents and their repudiation, I knew I was better for it in the long run. I'd rather live life alone than live a lie.
Trev followed me down the hall to my room. His cool fingers swept over the back of my neck and effectively erased any gloomy reflections. "Make sure you shower before you go to bed, otherwise you might get sick," he murmured.
I wriggled in my wet clothes, which felt horrible and clammy now that they'd dried a little. The fabric stuck to my body like plaster. "Oh, I have every intention. Next time I look like I want to jump into a water fountain, don't encourage me," I said, wagging a playful finger at him.
"But I like it when you're the wild one," he argued, eyes twinkling. In the past, he'd always been the reckless one, while I was the voice of reason. Cautious. Mature. Safe.
I hated being so entrenched in fears, because fear was what made us act like grown-ups, wasn't it? Fear of being judged. Fear of losing control. Fear of being punished for breaking the rules. _Fear of being rejected._
I didn't know how much I craved freedom until this exact moment.
I walked into my room, slipping off my shoes while Trev stood in the doorway. Eyeing him bravely, I asked, "Oh yeah?"
"You have this glow when you let loose."
_You glow all the time_ , I wanted to reply, but I still wasn't reckless enough for that. Instead I went with, "I like letting loose."
A smile tugged at his lips. "You should. It suits you."
The way he looked at me made me feel like being wicked. Just a little bit. Reaching for the hem of my dress, I said, "I need to get out of these clothes."
Trev swallowed roughly, suddenly quiet, as I lifted the dress up over my head and pulled it off. I stood in just my bra and knickers, fully aware that my damp bra meant he could see my nipples poking through.
"Hmm, that's better," I said with an over-exaggerated sigh of pleasure.
Trev's gaze started at my bare feet, travelled up my legs, lingered on my thighs and hips, stomach and breasts, before coming to rest on my eyes. He braced himself where he stood, arms outspread as he gripped either side of the doorframe. He seemed to be having an internal struggle when he tore his eyes from mine to stare at the floor for a minute. When he looked back up his expression was fierce.
"Invite me in."
His plea made me feel powerful, a foreign sensation. With Trev, I'd always felt needy and weak, grateful and eager for whatever bit of attention he decided to bestow upon me. Maybe it was the tequila, or maybe it was just the night itself, but I enjoyed the power shift. Probably a little too much.
I smiled at him wickedly, and slowly, seductively, walked toward him, closing the few feet of space between us. I sent him a hot, sexy look and he let out a shaky sigh. Then I reached out, grabbed the door handle and slowly closed it over.
"Goodnight, Trevor," I said sweetly, allowing him one last look at me before the door clicked shut.
I smiled happily when I heard him thump his head against the wood. He let out a sound that was half groan, half-amused chuckle, before he replied, "Goodnight, Reya."
The following morning, I woke up hangover free. _Thank you_ , tequila. Wine gave me hangovers. For some reason, tequila didn't. I still felt tired though, the previous evening's excitement had taken its toll on my body, _and_ the group had a full day of filming ahead of them.
I wondered why Barry hadn't argued against them going out. Then again, the crew had captured some highly entertaining footage, so maybe he considered the hangovers worth it.
Leanne's bed was messy but empty on the other side of the room. I heard water running and guessed she was in the shower. The floor was scattered with mud and grass, as were the heels I wore last night. They lay haphazardly at the foot of my bed, a casualty of the previous evening.
A knock sounded on the door before Trev's voice crooned, "I do believe I'm owed some pancakes, Reya dearest."
I smiled, then remembered my out-of-character striptease. What the hell had gotten into me? I shook my head, determined not to be embarrassed, even though the memory of Trev's hot stare still sent tremors down my spine.
"Give me a minute to wake up properly and then I'll make your bloody pancakes," I called back. God, I was tired.
I heard him chuckle as he continued down the hall. Once I was dressed I made pancakes for everyone. I figured it factored into my PA duties to keep the group well fed. Trev stared at me with this knowing grin all through breakfast, like he was remembering me in my underwear in vivid detail. I just shook my head at his typical boy behaviour, while at the same time, I sensed the energy shifting between us. Our conversation last night brought me closer to understanding him and the changes he was making in his life. And there was no denying those changes were a positive thing.
"Did this used to be a train track or something?" I asked Neil.
"Yep. I think it got refurbished back in the nineties but don't quote me on that," he answered as we stared at the impressive structure.
We were at the _Viaduc Des Arts_ , the location for the day's filming. It was an old red-brick viaduct, consisting of a long row of arches under what used to be a train track. Now it was a public garden, surrounded by apartments, fancy cafes and shops. It was pretty high up, which I guessed was why they selected it for the show.
Trev approached me from behind while I finalised the group's lunch order on my phone. "You're wearing jeans," he murmured accusingly, like it was a crime or something.
I crooked my neck to send him a questioning glance. "And?"
"I don't need that kind of distraction today."
It took only a second for his meaning to sink in and I rubbed my hands on my thighs, self-conscious. I didn't think anything of it when I put them on this morning, but now I wondered if they were maybe a little too tight.
I quickly shook myself out of those thoughts. If Trev was distracted by my jeans that was his problem.
"I'm not forcing you to look them," I shot back defensively.
He sat on the ground and started stretching, his gaze travelling all the way up my legs. "Yeah, but I'm my own worst enemy sometimes."
Neil was studying his tablet, acting like he wasn't listening, but I knew he was. I cleared my throat.
"So, how are you feeling? Not too sore after last night?"
Trev smirked and leaned forward into another stretch. Neil stiffened and I wanted to facepalm. "I mean, because of the alcohol. It dehydrates muscles and that's why they sometimes ache after we drink," I extrapolated unnecessarily.
"I'm fine. I only had one drink," he replied.
Thinking back on it, he was right. Maybe it just felt like he had more because of all the action going on.
"Was that a, um, conscious decision?" He had mentioned he was drinking less.
It took him a while to answer. "Yes."
"I see."
I wondered if drinking worsened his condition. I knew from experience that he could get very wild when he drank in the past. If dealing with a sober Trev was a handful, then dealing with a drunk Trev was a job for ten men. Maybe more.
"Trev, I need you over here," Barry called.
"Be there in a sec," he answered then looked at me. "Come over and watch on the monitor. That way you'll get to see everything and not just what's in your line of sight."
"Okay, sure," I said and followed him.
Barry's monitor was set up at the bottom of a long concrete stairway, which led to the public gardens. Paul, Callum, Leanne and James were all gathered around him, nodding as he gave directions. I stood a few feet away, where there was a decent view of the monitor and watched as Trev joined the others.
When Barry finally called action, the group vaulted up the stairway two at a time, with James bringing up the rear. Everything moved so fast. A number of the crew were up top, capturing all five of them as they shot through the gardens. They hadn't completely shut the place down to the public, so there were still people hanging around, sitting on benches chatting, or walking along the pathways.
The camera caught Trev as he headed for the narrow ridge along the outer edge of the viaduct. It must've been over thirty feet high. Some of the crew were on the roofs higher up, enabling them to capture the full extent of the drop.
My stomach tightened in excitement as I watched the group. I could practically feel their adrenaline as they ran. Everything happened so quickly. The parkway stretched for at least a couple of kilometres, so it gave great scope for the group to play around. Trev leapt from the narrow ridge and onto a nearby roof. Not one to be outdone, Callum followed, while James, Paul and Leanne continued their run along the viaduct.
The cameras tracked Callum and Trev as they crossed over several rooftops, then made their way back. Barry gave directions over his mouthpiece until they reached the end, and then it was time to start over.
I became accustomed to the fact that none of the _Running on Air_ stunts were filmed in just one shot. Barry ordered them to be captured over and over again, from various positions and angles, until he was satisfied with the footage. I was exhausted just watching it and wondered how Trev and the others managed to keep their energy levels up. Then again, they were constantly filling up on protein bars and Lucozade. I was fairly sure they had a sponsorship for product placement. Plus, Leanne wasn't lying when she said those boys ate like elephants, though I was sure they burned it all off easily enough.
Once Barry was satisfied, they shot interviews with each member of the group as they discussed the location, the dynamics of the stunt, and how they felt everything was going so far.
Later on, when Barry called cut for the last time that day, Trev came and flopped his arms around my shoulders. He was sweaty and breathless and looked completely exhausted.
"If I die, cremate my body and throw the ashes in the Thames."
I laughed. "You're not going to die."
"I feel like I am," he said, leaning into me more. "So you should be nicer to me."
"Will you get off? I've got a gig later and I don't want to stink of your body odour," I complained, though there was absolutely nothing gross about a sweaty Trev. Maybe I should be concerned by the fact that I actually found him appealing like this, freak that I was.
His interest perked up. "Oh, you've a gig? Can I come?"
I didn't answer right away. My initial reaction was to say yes, but then when I thought on it, I decided it was a bad idea. We were growing closer by the day, and though I wasn't unhappy about that, I wasn't so sure him being in the audience tonight would be good for me.
"I'd rather go alone," I answered finally and Trev's brows drew together. "I just don't want Jimbo following along with his camera, you know?"
Trev's chest deflated and frustration marked his features. "Right. Bloody Jimbo."
We didn't get a chance to discuss it more because Isaac came over, full of excitement about being on set. He waxed lyrical about getting coffees for the crew and being sent on various menial tasks. It was like a teenager getting to be a roadie for the summer with their favourite rock band, only in this case it was their favourite group of reality TV free runners. His cheer was so infectious he was like Prozac in human form. I seriously would've just hung out with him all day if I could, but unfortunately there was always something that needed to be done.
I stuck around the set for as long as needed, helped Neil with a few things, then headed to the apartment to grab my keyboard for the show.
The venue was a cute little burlesque club close to the Champs-Élysées. I was over the moon when they agreed to let me play, even though I suspected it was only because they needed a clean act to break up all the stripteases.
And yes, I was aware that if Trev knew the location of my show he would've gotten down on his hands and knees and begged me to let him come. I got a sick satisfaction out of secretly denying him. Perhaps I'd let it slip tomorrow and allow him to fester in the lost opportunity.
The décor in the club was lavish, all red velvet, black lace and gold accents. There were even gold stripper poles on either side of the stage. I actually blushed a little when I saw them, especially since one of the burlesque performers was practicing as I made my way backstage. It was definitely one of the most decadent places I'd played, and not wanting to stand out, I put extra effort into my appearance.
My black dress was knee-length and lacey. It showed an abundance of cleavage, more than I usually revealed, and unbidden, my mother's disapproving voice flooded my mind.
_Ese vestido te hace ver como una prostituta. Sube a tu habitación a cambiarte inmediatamente._
_That dress makes you look like a prostitute. Go up to your room and change immediately._
I did my make-up extra sultry, with dark red lipstick, just to mentally spite her. She was still in my head when I walked onstage, and it was difficult to disregard my conflicting emotions. Sometimes I thought I did it to myself, at least subconsciously. Maybe I wanted to be upset when I performed, because it allowed me to convey emotion better.
The audience was made up of a mix of tourists and locals, so I hoped at least some of them could understand what I was singing. Although, sometimes you didn't really need to know the language to feel the sentiment. After all, people around the world adored opera without having a word of Italian.
"This song is dedicated to my parents," I said. The lights shone a little too brightly on the stage, rendering the audience a blurry haze. "It's called 'Even Now'."
When I closed my eyes, I sang with all I had in me. I felt brave knowing there wasn't a single person out there who knew me. I could show them all the ugliness inside and not have to fear rejection.
_Even now, if you opened up your arms_
_I'd come running_
_Even now, if you told me you loved me_
_I'd say I loved you, too_
_Even now, with my heart broken and black_
_With my guts bloodied and bruised_
_I'd give everything I own in this world to have my family back_
When my set ended, a peachy-boobed lady in a half corset and glittery nipple tassels followed me. It didn't feel wrong that I'd just been singing song after song about my family and how they pushed me out. It just felt real. This was the world, every single beautiful and awful shade of it.
I knew for a fact my parents would go into cardiac arrest if they knew I was singing about them on a stage adorned with stripper poles. And with that satisfying thought, I went to gather my equipment.
I was leaving to grab a taxi back to the apartment when a short girl with a pixie haircut approached me. She had bright hazel eyes and a professional-looking photographer's camera around her neck.
"Hi, are you Queenie?" she asked in a light French accent.
I turned to her with a smile, thinking I remembered seeing her during my set. She'd been sitting in the very front row with two other girls.
"Yes, I am," I answered, then gestured her closer to whisper conspiratorially. "But just between you and me, that's not really my name."
She gave a small chuckle. "Well, just between you and me, I already knew who you were. I have no idea why I asked that. I'm just nervous."
I warmed to her candour. "No need to be nervous, it's lovely to meet you. I'm Reya."
"I'm Marlene," she replied shyly.
"Did you like the show?"
She nodded profusely. "Yes, I actually, well, I've been following your YouTube videos for a while now. When I saw you post that you'd be playing in Paris, I just had to come see you perform."
Her statement took me by surprise. I often uploaded videos of my gigs to YouTube, but other than those and the odd tweet, I didn't have much of an online presence. "Oh, really? That's so cool." My smile widened.
"I just wanted to let you know how much I love your songs. When I first found them it felt like . . . I can't think of the right word in English, but it was like someone had taken all of my feelings and made them their own," she said, gesticulating passionately.
"That's so kind of you to say, and it means a lot to hear it."
"When I came out to my parents, they decided they didn't want me as their daughter anymore. When you sing about your family, it feels so vindicating to know I'm not alone," she went on, her eyes turning glassy.
Emotion fisted my heart in a vice-like grip, and in that split second as those words tumbled out of her mouth, I strangely felt like hugging her. And now my eyes were turning glassy, too. "I'm glad," I said in a whisper. We just stared at one another for a few moments before I asked, "Would it be weird if I hugged you?"
She shook her head, her cheeks going a little pink. "Not at all."
So we hugged. Passers-by were probably shooting us strange looks, but I didn't care. I was too busy feeling the moment, sharing a connection with this stranger I'd somehow touched through a few blurrily shot YouTube videos.
When we broke apart we shared a smile. Then she lifted her camera. "I, um . . . Photography is a hobby of mine and I hope you don't mind, but I took some pictures of the show tonight. I could email them to you if you'd like? You could use them for whatever you wanted, promotional or online things."
"Oh my goodness, yes, I'd love that," I exclaimed.
We exchanged information, chatted a little more, and then I headed for my taxi.
The following day the group had a free morning, with filming not scheduled until the late afternoon. I slept in after my gig and took a leisurely shower. I must've been the last to wake up because everyone was gone by the time I left my room. Paul, James and Leanne decided to go sightseeing, while Callum took a trip to a chiropractor because he was having some trouble with his shoulder. That left only Trev, Neil and me in the apartment.
Neil sat on the couch with his computer on his lap. The door to the balcony was open and a cool morning breeze drifted in.
Deciding to make brunch, I asked Neil if he was hungry then texted Isaac to see if he wanted to come over for food.
"Where's Trev?" I asked Neil, and he glanced up from his laptop.
"In his room, I think."
I nodded and headed toward the bedrooms. When I reached the one he was sharing with Callum, the door was left slightly ajar. I lifted my hand to push it open, then hesitated. I could hear Trev talking inside and I didn't want to interrupt. When I took a peek around the doorframe I saw he was on a Skype call.
"And how do you feel about the possibility of rekindling a relationship?" an older male voice asked. He sounded thoughtful but clinical, and I couldn't think of who it might be until I remembered Trev mentioning his doctor. They'd arranged weekly online therapy sessions while he was away.
"To be honest, it's difficult not to let my head run away with itself. When I'm around her I know I need to take things slow, but I just want to talk about everything. I want to ask how she feels, demand that she tell me where I stand. It makes me crazy not knowing."
"Go on."
"It's just so difficult not to regress."
The doctor's voice was soothing. "When you feel that way it's probably a good idea to take a step back. Assess the situation from a distance. Diving into things without thinking is one of your biggest issues. Not only might you scare Reya away, but you could also damage the progress you've made."
I stifled a gasp when the doctor mentioned my name, my heart pounding rapidly to discover they were talking about me.
"I just want things to go back to how they were."
"We can't go back, Trevor, only forward. After all, you aren't who you were back then, therefore, it can't really be the same, can it?"
He sounded frustrated when he responded, "But that's just the thing, doc. I am the same. Don't get me wrong, some days I really do feel like I've changed, but then I have these moments of clarity. I see how brittle my progress is, how easily I can ruin it all. I'll always be the bloke I was before, no matter how much I try. He's a forgotten pill away, or a missed therapy session. I'm not sure I can keep living on this edge all the time. I can't spend my entire life at war with my own head. It's exhausting."
The doctor was sympathetic now. "Unfortunately, there are only two options, and that is the better one. There is a consolation though, the war gets easier."
"So, I just keep going through every day like this? That's not how I want to live. I don't want to give Reya this half-broken excuse for a man. I want to give her something solid and reliable. I want to give her everything she deserves."
"This isn't a new sentiment for you, Trevor. We spoke in depth about how you distanced yourself from her romantically during the early days of your friendship because you thought she wouldn't be able to rely on you."
"She wouldn't have. Before I met Reya I'd already had a string of girlfriends and it was the same cycle every time. We got together, a few weeks went by, and they started to want a proper relationship. I couldn't give them that, not consistently, anyway. Some days I'd feel solid and could act like the perfect boyfriend, but then other days I couldn't focus at all. I'd get distracted and forget to call, or forget a date we'd planned. In the end they'd get so fed up with my unpredictable behaviour that they'd break it off. Or I'd get sick of their nagging and break things off myself."
Wow. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was this the reason he'd kept me at a distance for so long? He didn't want that to happen to us, the premature break-up? So many things started to make sense, and I felt so ridiculously stupid that I hadn't put it together sooner.
"But Reya meant too much to you to risk a similar break-up?" the doctor questioned.
"Yes. I didn't want to lose her. I _couldn't_ lose her. The way I felt about her was too strong, so I kept things platonic, even though some days it was fucking agony."
"Don't you think that shows restraint? You stopped yourself from taking something you wanted because of the possible long-term repercussions."
"I suppose . . ."
"So, even back then you had that in-built control. Yes, it did break eventually, but you need to acknowledge the achievement was no small feat. You stayed the course for a very long time, with no understanding of your condition and no treatment. For over three years you maintained a friendship with Reya."
"It's not like it was easy," said Trev with a hint of humour.
"And I believe you, but I also believe that with the right guidance and perseverance, you can overcome your hurdles and continue to do so. You have to understand that this is a lifelong practice. There isn't a quick fix. Like anything in the world, continual upkeep and maintenance is what keeps it ticking over. The man you are today is far different from the one who first visited my clinic, but you're only six months into this process. Once you get used to a routine you'll feel much better equipped to enter into a romantic relationship."
Trev was quiet after the doctor finished speaking and I knew I should leave, but my feet wouldn't move. I was morbidly fascinated hearing all this, even though at the same time I knew what I was doing was very, very wrong. I was eavesdropping on what was supposed to be a private and confidential conversation. But I was hearing things about Trev I'd struggled to understand for years.
The doctor engaged Trev by changing the subject. "Tell me about the first time you met Reya."
I stood very still, my back flush with the wall, my hands flat. I still couldn't believe I was such a prominent figure in his therapy sessions. His doctor referred to me so familiarly, so they obviously discussed me often.
"I was out with my brother. He was interested in Reya's friend, Karla. They're married now, but they were still getting to know each other then. I saw her dancing and I . . . I dunno, I just liked her face. There was something real kind about her eyes."
"And that kindness drew you to her?"
"Well, yeah. But my brother asked me to keep her distracted while he hit on her friend, so that's why I approached her. I asked if she wanted a drink and she got all shy, so I knew I couldn't go with my usual chat-up lines."
"Why not?"
"Because I come on strong and would've only scared her off. Not that I wanted to score with her or anything; that came later."
"So you took a moment to gauge her demeanour, you considered the best course of action to take in befriending her, and then you set on your course."
"Uh-huh."
"Sound familiar?" the doctor asked, a lilt in his voice.
"It sounds a little like some of the techniques you've been teaching me, yeah."
"It's knowledge we all unconsciously possess, how to read people, how to react in different social situations. Some of us are simply better at it than others. And some people, such as yourself, need to consciously find those skills from within and use them instead of allowing the id to steer the wheel."
"The id?" Trev asked.
"It's the most basic part of the human personality. The id wants instant gratification rather than to work for a certain result. Imagine a child throwing a tantrum because they want ice cream now instead of waiting until after their dinner."
"Are you saying I'm like a toddler?" Trev commented, bemused.
"I'm saying it's your natural instinct to want things immediately. You want to be with Reya, correct?"
"Yes."
"And if you were to go with your natural instinct, you might simply grab her and start kissing her."
Trev chuckled quietly. "Something like that."
"But if you were to do that, how would she react?"
"Not well, I imagine."
"So, you need to resist the urge inside your head to take what you want, consequences be damned. If you are to build a lasting foundation, the id is not the part of the psyche that you should be listening to."
"Then what part _should_ I be listening to?"
"You listen to the ego."
Trev didn't sound convinced. "My ego is what got me into this mess in the first place."
"I'm talking about the Freudian ego, Trevor, which is the second part of the psyche. It allows us to understand that if we take what we want right away, there will be consequences. We might upset people, or hurt them, and that won't be beneficial for us in the long run."
I startled when the doorbell rang, jolting my rapt attention away from Trev's therapy session. Although I wanted to continue listening, I didn't want to get caught. Plus, I needed to go answer the door, because it was probably Isaac.
I hurried down the hallway, greeting Isaac with an overly bright smile when I let him in. "Good morning. I hope you're hungry."
"I'm nineteen. I'm always hungry," he replied, returning my smile. "What's up with you?"
"With me? Nothing. Why?"
"You seem a little . . . I dunno, buzzed."
I waved him away, even though my heart still pounded from what I'd overheard. _Trev wanted to be with me. He'd wanted to be with me for years but kept things platonic for fear of losing me._ "I just overslept. Do you like bruschetta?"
"Never had it before, but I'm not picky."
"Okay, bruschetta it is then," I chirped.
"Are you sure you're okay? You sound like my mum when she's been snooping in my bedroom."
"I'm fine. And stop comparing me to your mum all the time. You'll give me a complex. Now go grab a knife and help me chop these tomatoes."
He chuckled. "Now you really do sound like my mum."
I poked him in the side. "Hey! I'm not that old."
"What are you? Twenty-six? You're practically ancient," he teased.
I narrowed my gaze. "You're lucky I'm not the one holding the knife."
We worked together in quiet for a bit, while my mind was as loud as a motorway at rush hour. Too many thoughts filled my head. I couldn't stop thinking about how Trev discussed me with his doctor. He discussed me regularly. _And_ , he wanted us to be together, like _together_ together. It was all so much to digest.
Sure, he hadn't exactly been coy about his feelings, but I didn't know the true extent of them. Now I did. He wanted to grab me and kiss me when he saw me. The very notion made me blush right down to my toes.
The thing that got me most was the idea that he wanted to rewind the clock, go back to how things used to be before everything got so complicated. But did I have it in me to take him back?
One part of me felt like I did, especially since I now had my eyes open to his reasons for keeping me at an arm's length. But another part refused to make things easy for him. That part wanted him to work for it, because in spite of everything, there were too many times when I'd simply acquiesced to his wants and ignored my own.
Isaac, Neil and I were eating brunch when Trev finally emerged from his room. He eyed the three of us, though his gaze warmed substantially when he looked at me.
_Do you want to kiss me right now, Trevor?_
"I left a plate in the fridge for you if you're hungry," I said before taking a bite.
He smiled softly and it lit a warm spark in my chest. "Thanks, Reyrey."
A little while later I settled myself on the couch to check my emails. I was delighted to see a new one from Marlene. _I have a fan_. I found at least a dozen attachments and started flicking through them. Her photos were incredible, definitely good enough to use on posters and flyers.
I was lost in my head making plans when a curious voice asked, "Are those stripper poles?"
I turned and Trev was leaning over the couch, his attention on my laptop screen. I wondered self-consciously how long he'd been watching me and tucked some hair behind my ear.
"Uh, yeah. Last night I played at a burlesque club."
Trev hopped over the couch and landed beside me. He grabbed the laptop and began scrolling through the photos. "You secretive little mare. I can't believe you didn't let me come with you."
"I told you, I didn't want any crew members tagging along."
He was quiet for a minute or two as he studied the pictures. Then he breathed, "These are beautiful, Reya. Who took them?"
"A French girl who came to see me play. We spoke after my set and she offered to send me the pictures."
"Well, she's bloody good, whoever she is. Can I email these to myself?"
I bit my lip, shooting him a curious glance. "Why?"
He turned to look at me, his expression serious. "Why not?"
I was the first to look away, unable to handle the ferocity of his stare. Clearing my throat, I mumbled. "Sure, go ahead then."
He started tapping and then he handed the laptop back to me. "All done."
"Thanks. So, um, how are you feeling today?"
"I'm good. Fine," he answered, eyeing me shrewdly.
"Oh, that's . . . good."
Trev continued to study me and his brows arched ever so slightly. "Any reason why you're asking?"
I stiffened but shook my head. "Nope. Just, you know, being friendly."
I didn't mean to put so much emphasis on 'friendly' and Trev appeared suspicious. He stared at me for so long I was glad for my year-round tan, otherwise I would've gone read as red as a tomato. He looked as though he suspected I was hiding something.
"Reya, is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
I shook my head and tried to calm my breathing. "I don't think so."
The door to the apartment opened and Leanne, Paul and James came barrelling in, returning from their morning of sightseeing. I was glad for the interruption, because if Trev kept staring at me I'd snap and blurt out the truth. I felt awful for my eavesdropping and wished I'd never done it now. His therapy sessions were private. Even if he was discussing me, I still had no right to listen.
Things were weirdly tense between us for the rest of the day. The afternoon shoot took place in a public park next to a residential area just outside the city. The apartment buildings looked like they'd been built in the seventies and the park had lots of benches and high walls, with a long row of steps leading to one of the blocks.
Trev and Callum were talking with Barry, who was making lots of animated hand gestures while he spoke. I spotted Paul reading as he sat on the grass next to a tree. Since things were still weird between Trev and me, I went and sat down beside Paul, figuring he was neutral territory.
"What are you reading?"
He glanced up and smiled, lifting the book for me to read the title. "'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama," I said with an arched brow. "Not what I expected."
His lips twitched. "What _did_ you expect?"
I shrugged and looked across the park. Trev was still talking with Callum and Barry, but now his eyes were trained on Paul and me, his expression unreadable. "I don't know. 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' maybe?" I teased.
"I think you're mistaking me with Cal. I'm Paul, remember? I thought the red hair was a dead giveaway."
I laughed. "Right. Next time I'll remember."
We shared a smile and his attention returned to his book. "Trev actually loaned me this."
That surprised me. The paperback looked well worn, like whoever owned it had read it several times. "He did?"
"Yep. He's been reading a lot of philosophy and stuff like that lately. I think it helps him look at things from a new perspective."
I mulled that one over but didn't speak, though Paul was more than happy to fill the silence.
"Did you know that when the next Dalai Lama is found, they have to go through all these tests to make sure he's the real deal? He's supposed to be a reincarnation of his predecessor, you see, so in one of the tests they present him with a collection of items, but only one of them belonged to the previous Dalai Lama. If he picks the correct item, they know it's him. Crazy, right?"
"Yep," I said, amused by his enthusiasm. "Are you thinking of becoming a Tibetan Buddhist or something?"
His smile widened but he shook his head and winked, "Nah, I'm far too wicked for that."
I chuckled, because he wasn't wicked at all. In fact, he was one of the nicest people I'd met on this trip.
"Although," he went on, "the current Dalai Lama said there's a chance his successor might be found in a country not under Chinese rule. So, ya know, technically I _could_ be him."
"I'm not sure it works that way. If he's reincarnated, then wouldn't he have to be dead before you were born?"
He shook his head, his expression playful. "Not necessarily. His soul could transmigrate."
"But then you wouldn't be you anymore," I countered, smiling because he was being cute and seemed to have an answer for everything. Funnily enough, Paul did have a sort of childlike sense of playfulness reminiscent of the Dalai Lama. It was mischief without malice.
"Reya," came a voice and I glanced up. Trev stood over us, his expression blank. Was he pissed I was talking to Paul? I realised belatedly how close we were sitting, our heads dipped together as we spoke.
"Hey," I said. "Is everything okay?"
"I need you to run to the pharmacy and grab some Tiger Balm. We've run low and Cal's shoulder is still bothering him."
"Oh, the chiropractor didn't help?" I asked.
"I'm on my way to the shops to pick up a few things," Neil cut in, having overheard our conversation. "So I can grab the Tiger Balm for Callum."
Trev's jaw firmed in irritation, but I didn't completely get why he was in such a mood. He knew I didn't fancy Paul, had even said so himself, so it shouldn't bother him if we were talking. He grunted at Neil and stalked off. I watched as he joined Leanne, who was midway through a backflip while the crew filmed. The cameras immediately followed Trev as he ran up some steps, then climbed the wall to the tallest point. He braced himself on his hands when he reached the top, holding his entire body upside down, his feet in the air.
My pulse sped as I watched him prepare to jump.
# Nineteen.
"Trevor! Get down from there. It's too high," Barry called out.
It was definitely higher than what he'd typically jump and I shot off the grass, scared that he'd actually do it. What the hell was going on with him today?
My legs moved fast. I was halfway across the park, but I wasn't quick enough. Trev held his body up for a few seconds more, then did a backflip off the wall just like Leanne, only this drop was about ten feet higher. He landed on the ground roughly, not half as polished as his usual landings. His trainers skidded on the gravel.
"Jesus Christ!" Barry yelled angrily. "Are you off your fucking meds or something?"
Everything inside of me froze at his harshly spoken words. Everyone within a quarter-mile radius must've heard him, and what he said was way too personal.
"Don't you dare talk to him like that," I blurted, furious. Barry cut me a vicious glare.
"He could've severely injured himself just now."
Trev advanced on him, his expression fierce as he stared the director down. He briefly sliced his gaze to me then back to his boss. "Fuck you, Barry," he spat. "And you're welcome for the first decent shot all day."
With that he stalked off. Barry called for him to come back but he wouldn't listen.
"Is there something I should know about you and Trev?" Paul asked quietly, having come up behind me.
I glanced at him worriedly. "No, but . . ."
"You should go after him. Have a talk."
I nodded and looked across the park but he'd already disappeared. I followed in the direction he went, but there was no sign of him anywhere. After about twenty minutes of searching I gave up and sent a text.
_Reya: Where'd you go?_
Five minutes later there was still no answer, so I ducked inside a café and ordered a cappuccino. When I finished my drink, I headed back to the park, but the crew were already packing up. I sighed and ordered an Uber to take me to the apartment.
It was empty when I got there, so I guessed everyone had gone out to dinner. I went and changed my top to freshen up. Just as I pulled it over my head, my phone chimed with a text. It was from Trev but there was no message, only a location.
I checked the route on my phone and as it was within walking distance, I grabbed my handbag and set out to find him. I spotted him immediately as I approached the bridge called _Pont Alexandre III_. He sat with his legs dangling over the edge, staring down at the Seine rushing by beneath. There were extravagant gold statues of angels and nymphs adorning the sides of the bridge, and for a second I imagined Trev as one of them. His thoughtful expression and stillness added to the effect.
When I got close enough I saw he wasn't actually looking at the river, but at the black and gold nymph statue that was a centrepiece in the middle of the bridge.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" I said, leaning over the edge to get a better view.
He turned his head to me slowly, and I noticed the stress lines that marked his brow, a sign he'd been having a rough day. He looked back at the statue as he replied, "Not really."
"You don't think so?"
"Depends on how you look at it."
I came forward until I was close enough to touch his elbow. "How do you look at it?"
He exhaled deeply, his posture a little slumped. "I look at it and see all the poor buggers whose fingers probably bled to build this bridge. You look at it and see a shiny finished product. A bridge should be functional. It should get you from point A to point B. It's only pretty to satisfy someone else's ego."
"I see you've spent some time thinking about all this," I said, vaguely amused.
Trev lifted a shoulder. "I just know that if I were alive a hundred years ago, I'd be the stupid bastard whose hands bled."
I chuffed a soft laugh. "And I'd be the poor fishwife living on scraps and waiting for her husband to get back from sea."
His lips curved ever so slightly, so I knew my humour was breaking through. "I try to remember how lucky I am to be alive now, like, right at this moment in time," he went on. "Sure, I had it rough growing up, but at least I had a chance to better myself. Sometimes I forget how rare that is. When I do stupid stuff to jeopardise what I have, I remind myself that had I been born to the same circumstances in any other period, I wouldn't be where I am today. There wouldn't be people willing to give me the chances I've been given."
I stared at him for a long moment, lost for words. These days he was continually surprising me with his depth, with how much time he took to really think about things, to look at himself and his life through an analytical lens.
He glanced down and I followed his gaze to where his palms rested face up on his lap, gasping when I saw the bloody scrapes. He must've gotten them from the jump he took earlier. His landing had been pretty bumpy.
"Shit, Trev, those look bad. We should go back to the apartment and get you cleaned up."
"I'm not going back there. I don't need Barry breathing down my neck and giving me grief about today."
"I'm sure he's calmed down by now," I said and gave his elbow a small squeeze.
Trev stared out at the water then turned to look at me again. "Why did you come here, Reya?"
There was such raw vulnerability in his eyes that I had to swallow down the lump in my throat before I could answer. "I came because I care about you."
"But I screwed everything up. That shit today was straight out of my old playbook. I keep telling you I've changed but then I go and prove myself a liar. I've been trying so hard, but it's just exhausting."
I remembered his conversation with his doctor this morning, when he said he was exhausted from trying to stay on track all the time. Feeling like he was changing, but at the same time struggling with his inner self. I didn't want him to feel like that, like he always had to behave a certain way, or hide his true self just to satisfy me. That couldn't be further from what I wanted.
I'd wanted him to be different, yes, but that was before I knew how difficult it was for him. Living in constant fear of regression was no way to live. And I hated myself for being one of the people he felt he had to change for.
The revelation struck me that I didn't really want him to change, not the core of who he was anyway. Because that was the person I'd fallen for in the beginning, and I didn't think I'd ever get over that mischievous blue-eyed boy, no matter how much I tried.
I loved his unpredictability.
I got off on his wildness and spontaneity.
And I adored how he always surprised me with what came out of his mouth.
I just hadn't been able to live with the instability that came with all those things.
"You don't need to change," I said, moving my hand from his elbow to rest on his thigh. His expression was unsure, questioning. "I like who you are. I like who you've always been."
He shook his head. "No, you don't. Two years ago you hated me. You wanted me out of your life for good."
"That's not true. I never hated you. I liked everything about you. I just couldn't be with you because I couldn't rely on you. I could've lived the rest of my life by your side, with you jumping off buildings and doing handstands on top of phone booths, just so long as you came home to me at the end of the day."
His expression sobered, his eyes flickering between mine. "But I didn't come home."
"No," I breathed. "You didn't." _Because you were too entrenched in your own struggles_ , my mind added. I used to wonder if I wasn't enough for him, wasn't _good_ enough. I was just a normal girl and he was like a butterfly, coming to rest on your hand, wowing you with its beautiful colours, but then flittering away again. Now I knew it wasn't so cut and dried. There might have been beauty on the outside, but there was turmoil on the inside. That turmoil was what made him so unreliable when reliability was what I needed. He could be as wild and free as he wanted so long as he was constant for me.
He looked deep in thought when he moved to climb off the wall. I took a step back and eyed the gravel marks on his trousers and how his hair was all mussed up.
He met my eyes and I held my hand out. "Come on. You must be hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
He laced his fingers with mine, his skin rough and blistered. I didn't mind though. I just wanted some kind of connection, anything. No words were spoken as we walked along the bridge, heading for the street. Trev glanced down at our hands for a second, exhaled, then stared ahead again.
We found a small bistro to have dinner in, and the waiter was kind enough to get me a first aid kit so I could clean Trev's hands. He was uncharacteristically quiet as he watched me work. There was something about his silence that heightened the tension between us, and the way he watched my fingers made my stomach clench.
When we sat down to order I went with the risotto, while Trev asked for the beef bourguignon. His quietness put me on edge. Trev wasn't one to sit still and be quiet often. I wanted to fill the void but I couldn't think of anything to talk about. In the end, it was Trev who broke the silence.
"You ever hear from your family these days?"
A brick sank in my gut. I didn't want to sit in silence but I didn't exactly want to talk about my family either. "Nope. It's same old story with them," I answered on a sigh.
Trev's expression grew contemplative. "Did you try to get in touch with them?"
I tensed, because his question hit a sore spot. When I spoke my voice was quiet. "I emailed my sister about a year ago to see if she wanted to meet up. I even included my new phone number, but I never heard anything back."
Trev exhaled. "Fuck, Reya. I'm sorry. She's an arsehole."
I sniffed. "She isn't. She's just scared. Her whole life she's worked for my parents at their restaurant. She doesn't know anything else. She thinks if she starts having contact with me that my parents will shut her out and she'll have nowhere else to go."
"Does she still live with them?"
"I think so."
"What about your brothers?"
I shook my head. "They're both married with kids. Paula's the only one who still lives at home, though for all I know she could be married and moved out by now. I have no real way to keep up with their lives."
Trev exhaled heavily, his compassionate gaze wandering over me. "Well, you're probably better off. They don't deserve any of your time."
I fiddled with my place setting. " _Deserve_ has nothing to do with it. Even when I hate them I still love them. That's fucked up, right?"
Trev shook his head. "No, I get it. When Mum was alive, I used to feel so angry at her, because she constantly chose drugs over us. But then some weeks she'd get clean and I'd instantly forget the anger. I was just over the moon to have her back to normal and would forgive her for all the shit she pulled before."
I thought of Trev's childhood, how his dad had been a non-entity and his mum died of a drug overdose when he was still a kid. How he and his brothers had to rob and steal just to survive. At least I had a proper family. Maybe I was lucky even though they let me down in the end. I certainly had it better than Trev ever did.
"It just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's God's sick joke, making us love the people who hurt us," I said, my voice sombre.
Trev's brows drew together, his lips flattening in a frown, and I realised belatedly that he wasn't thinking of family anymore. He was thinking of us. He'd hurt me a lot in the past, but I always forgave him.
Until I didn't.
He dragged his hand across his jaw, rubbing at the stubble as he murmured, "Yeah well, I guess sometimes I'm glad for His sick sense of humour."
Our meal arrived but the mood between us was subdued. Trev wouldn't stop looking at me with sad eyes, like I had some kind of terminal disease but he didn't have the heart to tell me yet.
"If you're having troubles you can talk to me, you know," I ventured, hoping he might open up. He'd expressed some of his frustrations back on the bridge, but I knew there was more to it. I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me as freely as he talked to his doctor. If we just put everything out on the table then maybe we could come to some new level of understanding.
His voice was cautious. "Troubles?"
"That whole scene today with Barry, and how you've been talking. It makes me worry about you."
He exhaled a long breath and played with his food a little. "That was just a blip. I'm sort of prone to them if you hadn't noticed."
I reached out and placed a hand over his. "And what caused the blip?"
His mouth turned down at the edges. "Frustration, I guess."
_Yeah, join the club_. "What have you been frustrated about?" I asked, though I suspected I already knew. I was on the other side of it, after all.
He lifted his gaze to mine. "You."
His answer caused my cheeks to flush and I willed them to cool down. I traced circles over the top of his hand and cleared my throat. "Can I, uh, help somehow?"
Trev's gaze darkened substantially, his voice thick when he replied, "Yeah, but I don't think either one of us is ready for that just yet."
I looked down at my plate, a smile curling my lips. "Since when did you become the mature one?"
His look was direct. "Since I spent two years without you. I don't plan on going another two."
I arched a brow as my lungs filled with exhilaration. It was both thrilling and nerve-wracking to be having this conversation. I couldn't manage to meet his gaze when I replied quietly, "I wouldn't like to go another two without you either."
Trev stayed silent, but his expression spoke volumes. I saw his surprise clear as day and realised he didn't know how much I'd loved being around him again. Inhaling deeply, he turned his hand to face upward and linked our fingers together. I felt hot in the dim light of the restaurant as I lifted my gaze to his. He never broke eye contact when he brought my hand to his mouth and gently kissed it. Tingles skittered down my spine at the feel of his lips on my skin. Trev let go of my hand and I busied myself shoving a forkful of risotto into my mouth.
He leaned both elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands as his attention travelled from my lips to my nose and over my cheeks. "Can I ask a question?"
"O-of course," I replied shakily, somewhat affected by the husky quality in his voice.
He hesitated a moment, then said, "This afternoon aside, since we've been on this trip, do you feel like my behaviour towards you has been consistent?"
His question was surprising and it took me a second to formulate an answer. "It hasn't been _inconsistent_ , but it has been unexpected to a certain degree. You told me you wanted to be friends, but you flirt with me all the time."
Trev arched a brow, seemingly amused by that answer. "Do I?"
I smiled a little. "Don't give me that. You know you do."
He smiled back, the expression so bloody handsome. "Yeah, I guess I do. It's kind of hard not to. Flirting with you was always my favourite pastime."
"Oh, don't worry. I remember."
"You flirted back."
"Trev, we both know women flirting with you isn't anything new."
"Yeah, but it always felt like a little victory when you did it. I remember when we first started hanging out and you'd blush at the tiniest innuendo. Then you finally got used to my filthy mouth and started giving as good as you got. Best fun I ever had."
"Of course I blushed. I rarely got to spend time with boys when I was growing up, aside from my brothers. And even when I was in college I was never the sort of girl to have 'guy' friends. You were like this new, alien species in my life."
Trev chuckled at that and ate a few bites of his food. I watched as he chewed and swallowed, fascinated by the way his throat moved. He set his fork down and focused his attention on me again.
"Anyway, I just wanted to ask about the whole consistency thing because it's something I've been working on. I'm trying to be more balanced in my behaviour," he said, looking almost shy. My heart reacted with frantic thudding. I could tell this was important to him.
I took his hand again. "Like I said back at the bridge, you don't need to change who you are for me, or anyone else for that matter. You should only ever change for you. I want you to enjoy each day. And whatever that consists of, whatever helps you be happy, that's what I want for you. So please, don't feel like you have to constantly watch what you say and do. I'd hate that. I'm not going to be offended if you have an off day or feel down or whatever. Just . . . you know, take care of yourself first and everyone else second."
He squeezed my hand, and as I studied him I was stunned to see his eyes turn glassy. My pulse thrummed but I didn't comment on it, because I knew men were weird about showing emotion.
Still, from his reaction I could tell my words had a profound effect on him. He needed to hear them. And maybe I needed to say them. It felt like a weight had been lifted, and as we finished up our meal I sensed a new atmosphere form between us, one of mutual understanding. _Mutual respect._
The next day was our final day in Paris. The plan was for the group to shoot in at least three different locations in each city, so they'd have enough footage for fifteen episodes in the end—fifteen stunts. Today was probably the most ambitious yet. We were at a large complex with a highly modern architectural design called the Pompidou Centre. Neil told me there was a museum and a library inside, but the filming would be outside.
From the front, it looked like a giant metal rectangle, with criss-crossing scaffolding and different coloured tubing running through it. Slantways down the centre was a zigzag-shaped stairway, enclosed in glass so you could see the people on the escalators inside. The plan was for the group to start at the top of the glass enclosure and freerun to the bottom, while visitors to the centre continued about their business inside.
After assisting Neil to cordon off some of the areas for the film crew, I took a little wander around some of the exhibitions. When I was making my way back out, I spotted Callum and Leanne standing close to one of the exits. They seemed to be having some sort of intense discussion, and weirdly, Leanne appeared to be trying to calm Callum down. He was worked up and upset over something, his shoulders slumped as he raked a hand through his hair.
I approached them and asked tentatively, "Is everything okay?"
Leanne glanced up, surprised to see me, and plastered on a fake smile. "Hi, Reya. Yeah, everything's fine. This place is amazing, isn't it?" she said. It was said in an effort to distract me. Callum looked off to the side, not acknowledging my presence, but I couldn't tell if it was out of rudeness or embarrassment. I'd definitely caught them both off guard. Plus, it just seemed weird that Callum was the one upset while Leanne tried to console him.
I continued outside and spotted the crew filming Trev as he climbed to the top of a ten-foot-high box next to two giant extractor vents opposite the centre. The vents rose out of the ground like the monster sticking its head out of Loch Ness. A gang of passers-by stopped to watch, some recording on their smartphones. I admired his athletic form as he braced himself, bent into a half crouch, then vaulted to the ground.
Unlike yesterday, his landing was measured and effortless, and the gathered crowd started to clap and cheer. He grinned at his audience, his eyes alight with adrenaline, and did a funny curtsey. Several teenage girls giggled and whispered to one another, which was the typical Trev effect. He had a way of rendering the opposite sex—and certain members of the same sex—into swooning groupies with so much as a suave little smile.
Neil handed him a bottle of water and he twisted the cap off before swallowing a long gulp. Barry was off to the side, talking with a crewman, his expression somewhat sour. I guessed he and Trev still hadn't kissed and made up.
Trev's attention fell on me as I approached. "Hey. That was amazing," I gushed. After last night's meal, there was a newfound comfort between us. I felt like we understood each other better and I didn't have to be on my guard all the time.
His mouth formed a smirk as he winked. "I aim to please."
I stepped up beside him and lowered my voice. "This might be nothing, but I just saw Leanne and Callum over in the centre and Callum looked upset. Did something happen?"
Trev swallowed another mouthful of water, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Nah, nothing happened. Just let them work it out between themselves."
"Okay," I said, sensing there was something else at play, but of course it was none of my business.
"I like this top," said Trev, grinning and reaching out to finger the fringing at the hem of my T-shirt. "Very funky."
"Thanks. I'll get you one for Christmas."
"I have been told that tassels bring out the colour of my eyes."
"Well, duh." I laughed.
"Trevor, when you're done flirting I need you over here," Barry called grumpily.
I raised my brows and spoke quietly. "Are you two still on the outs?"
Trev blew out a breath. "I shouldn't have taken that jump. Besides, I'm pretty sure his bald patch is a direct result of our insurance premiums."
A frown marked my brow. "Yeah, I get that, but he shouldn't have spoken to you like he did."
"Don't worry. I'm made of sterner stuff than what you think, Reyrey," he said, and gave his chest a hard thump before he went to Barry.
I put in the lunch order while the group prepared to film the main stunt. Spotting Callum go by, I thought he still looked a little agitated but not as upset as before.
Small black figures dotted the roof. A number of the crew were in place, while others were situated on the ground to capture shots from both angles. The group gathered at the top of the transparent glass tube, curious heads of the public glancing up and wondering what was going on. I pinpointed Trev in his beige camo shorts and black T-shirt, dark protective bands on his elbows and wrists. His hands were probably still sore from yesterday, but he didn't show any outward signs of discomfort.
James headed up the group, with Paul behind him, then Leanne, Callum and lastly, Trev. The sun shone bright, the clouds few against the azure Paris sky. I was still admiring the pretty colour when I heard a number of people make noises all around me. My attention went back to the building, where James now raced down the curved glass that surrounded the escalators. As soon as he reached the quarter-way point, Leanne followed, with Paul starting after her.
I noticed Callum was a little late to start, his movements less practiced than usual. He still managed to run down the stairway well enough, and then finally, it was Trev's turn. My heart beat twice as fast the entire time he was on that glass. Neil, who was standing next to me, swore loudly, and my attention left Trev to see that Callum had slipped and fallen right as he reached the bottom. Trev, who had already built up too much speed, didn't have enough time to stop before he crashed into him.
# Twenty.
I panicked and ran to the building before I could completely digest what just happened. The staff medics were already there, tending to both Callum and Trev. Leanne stood with her hands over her mouth, while Paul and James wore similar expressions of worry and concern.
Blood rushed through my veins, my heart pounding as I hurried to Leanne. "What happened? Are they okay?" I asked shakily.
Her breath came out all at once, her eyes watery with fear. "Cal slipped. I don't . . . I can't . . ."
I pulled her into my arms, because she was just as distraught as I was. I couldn't see what was going on; there were too many people surrounding Callum and Trev. When I heard an ambulance siren approach, I worried the worst had happened. But then I saw both Callum and Trev being helped down, and neither of them appeared hurt, at least not as far as I could tell.
I let go of Leanne and rushed to Trev's side. "You nearly gave me a heart attack."
"It's just a sprained wrist and maybe something torn in his shin," one of the medics explained. "We're taking him to the hospital just to be certain."
"I'm okay, Reya," said Trev, but his voice was clipped. I could tell he was in pain. "Told you I was made of sterner stuff."
"What about Cal?" Leanne asked.
"He's okay. There's some ankle strain, but that's all," said the medic. "Again, we're bringing him to the hospital as well to be checked out."
A second later Barry stormed onto the scene, his face a mix of anger and concern. "Christ, Cal, what happened back there?"
"He slipped," Trev answered, like he was defending him. "Happens to the best of us."
"The fuck it does," Barry fumed, his angry gaze cutting to Callum. "Have you any idea how lucky you are, you little shit? Trevor could've been paralysed. So could you, for that matter."
"Hey, talk like that isn't going to help anyone," James cut in, the voice of reason.
Barry held out a hand. "Don't try using that calm-voice shit with me, James. It won't work. I'm allowed to be pissed off."
The sirens grew louder and I turned to see an ambulance was on the scene. Its arrival cut short whatever argument was about to break out between Barry and the group. I tried staying with Trev but was quickly pushed out of the way in their hurry to transport him to the ambulance.
Neil, Paul, James and I took a cab to follow them, while Leanne was permitted inside the ambulance. We spent the next few hours at the hospital. There was a bit of a language barrier at first, but we eventually found a nurse who spoke fluent English and could translate.
It turned out Trev did have a sprained wrist. It had swelled significantly and I couldn't get rid of the pang of anguish I felt at seeing him hurt. His wrist was put in a cast to keep it immobile and he was prescribed painkillers. The doctor also instructed him to rest for at least forty-eight hours. Luckily his leg was fine, just a little bit bruised.
Callum had ankle strain and some bruising, too, but nothing serious. I heard through Neil that Barry was fuming because now they had to delay the filming schedule for at least two days. Also, Trev wasn't going to be able to take part in many stunts for the remainder of the series. His wrist could take weeks to heal properly. He could probably do some jumps so long as he didn't need to use both hands, but he wouldn't be able to climb. I personally thought it'd be fine if they just filmed with the other four stars, but what did I know?
"So, you excited to play nurse?" Trev grinned as I helped him to his bedroom when we arrived back at the apartment. I thought he might be feeling a little loose from the painkillers.
"Oh yeah, my life's dream is finally coming to fruition," I deadpanned.
He had a slight limp as he made his way to the bed and sat down. I stood in the doorway, eyeing him as I worried my lip.
"Something wrong?" Trev asked, brows arched.
"I'm just wondering when the time will come that you realise you aren't invincible."
He gave a soft chuckle then winced. "Believe me, that realisation came the first time I fractured a bone. Hurt like a motherfucker."
I came and sat down next to him on the bed. "Hmm, I'm still not so sure. Don't you ever get scared?"
Trev nudged me with his shoulder. "Can you keep a secret?"
I glanced him and smiled. "Always."
He bent close to whisper, "Sometimes."
His breath hit my skin and a shiver ran through me. When I met his eyes, there was an emotion in their depths. One that spoke of want and need and fierce desire.
" _No me mires así,_ " I murmured quietly _. Don't look at me like that._
"Why not?" he asked, his voice a whisper.
I gasped. "How did you—"
He scratched his jaw, sheepish. "I've actually picked up some Spanish here and there over the years. Being around you all the time helped."
I stiffened, my mind wandering back to our night at the Eiffel Tower.
_Creo que nunca tuve otra opción más que amarte._
Had he understood what I said back then, too? Self-consciousness flooded my insides. It had always been the one thing I never gave to him, the one thing I managed to keep to myself. When we were together, Trev told me he loved me, but I never told him I loved him back.
I loved him more than anything, but I'd simply been too terrified to voice it. What if I told him and we drifted apart again? What if I gave him my whole heart and he cast me aside just like my family did? On the one hand, it was an irrational fear and I knew it, because Trev was nothing like my family. But on the other, it was completely rational. He hadn't rejected me, but he had walked away. He had his reasons, yes, but that didn't change how much it hurt. This was my last vestige of power. If he did let me down again, then at least I'd know I never gave him those words. At least I could reduce a small proportion of the pain.
"Reya, are you okay?" Trev asked, his eyes narrowed in concern.
"Yes," I breathed. "It's just . . . it's been a long day."
He studied me for a moment, then said, "Yeah, it has. I'm sorry if I scared you back there. It can't have been easy seeing me fall like that."
It was terrifying.
And the fact that it was terrifying was also terrifying.
The idea of something bad happening to Trev scared me more than anything, more than if it were happening to me. What if he'd died today and I never told him how I felt? My gut twisted with nausea just thinking about it. Maybe I needed to cast my fears aside, because they were more irrational than rational. And if we did somehow lose each other again, it would still hurt immensely. Lessening the pain wasn't going to make that much of a difference.
_I should tell him._
_Tell him right now._
But the words caught in my throat as exhaustion pulled at my eyelids. It had been such a long and stressful day. I reached out to squeeze his good hand. "I'm going to lie down for a little bit. Neil's ordering takeout for dinner, so let him know if there's anything in particular you want. I'll be in the next room if you need me."
Without another word, I went to my own room. Leanne was there already. She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Usually, she'd be texting on her phone or checking her social media accounts, but today she just lay there. Seeing Cal fall must've been just as much of a shock to her as it was for me seeing Trev.
"Shit day, huh?" I said with a heavy exhale.
"Yeah."
"How's Callum?"
"He's fine. Pissed at Barry for calling him a little shit, but otherwise he'll live."
I cast her a thoughtful glance. "When I saw you two earlier, he seemed upset."
She stiffened and I saw a wall go up behind her eyes. "Yeah, that was nothing."
Before I could say more I heard Trev call from somewhere outside our room. "Reya, can you come here a second?"
I got up and went to see what he wanted. "Where are you?"
"In the bathroom."
Oh, great. I suspected what he needed but hoped I was wrong. Twisting the handle, I opened the door an inch, averting my eyes. "What's up?"
"Can you, uh, come in here and shut the door?"
I took a deep breath and stepped inside, closing the door behind me. Trev stood by the toilet with his back to me. Clearly, he was either about to piss or had just finished pissing.
His shoulders slumped, like he was embarrassed. "I didn't think this through."
My cheeks reddened, because his pants were undone and just barely covered his backside. "W-what did you not think through?"
He sighed. "My right hand's in the cast. I got my fly open easily enough but I can't seem to button it back up."
I stared at his back. He wouldn't look at me and I tensed, feeling awkward. Then the humour of the situation hit me and a grin tugged at my lips. "You couldn't ask one of the boys to help you?"
Now he turned to frown at me. "And let them hold it over me for the next two weeks? No, thanks."
I bit my lip. "I'm not sure _I_ won't be holding it over you for the next two weeks."
His mouth twitched as he narrowed his gaze. "Don't be mean."
"Come on, you have to admit this is funny."
"Whatever. Just help me do up my fly, will you?"
I slowly approached him, my gaze flicking down in relief to see he'd at least tucked his business away. "Is your left hand so inept? I don't get how you could open it but not close it."
"These pants have those fussy metal slide things, see?"
He was right. They were unnecessarily complicated. I met his eyes, then lowered my gaze, reaching out to quickly clip the slides back in. He watched me intently, like I was a surgeon holding a knife over his opened torso. I huffed a laugh. "No need to look so concerned."
"Reya, concern isn't what I'm feeling right now," he replied in a strained voice.
As soon as the words were out I saw his growing 'personage' and my hand shot up to cover my eyes. "Oh my God."
Trev let out a beleaguered sigh. "Sorry."
I took a deep breath. "No, it's fine, it's just . . . unexpected."
He chuckled. "Not _that_ unexpected. It's kind of what happens when you come close."
"Right, well, uh, I'll just . . . get out of your way then," I said, flustered as I hurried to the door.
"Reya."
"What?" I asked, still not looking at him, though I could tell he was smiling.
"Thank you for coming to my rescue."
"It's no problem."
With that I dashed from the room like it was being filled with noxious gas and the timer was at 00:01. I decided to cancel the gig I had lined up for the night, too exhausted after being at the hospital for hours. I just wanted to shower, eat something, and go to sleep.
Trev didn't come out of his room when the burgers arrived. I went and knocked on his door, peeking my head in to find him lying on the bed reading a book. Of course, he could only hold it up using his left hand.
He glanced up and I rubbed my hands on my thighs. "Hey. Food's here."
Trev let out a tired sigh. "Can you set some aside for me? I'm not up for being around everyone just yet."
"I can bring it in to you?" I suggested, feeling bad for him. Both yesterday and today had obviously drained his energy reserves.
He sent me a thankful look. "You're an angel."
"Sweet talker. I'll be right back."
A couple of minutes later I returned with food for both of us. We sat on Trev's bed cross-legged and spread it all out like a picnic, cheeseburgers, sweet potato fries and a selection of dips. I unwrapped the burger for Trev and handed it to him. He took it with his good hand. "Why do people insist on ruining burgers by putting tomatoes on them? It's evil. They just make everything soggy."
I'd forgotten about this little pet peeve of his. A smirk tugged at my lips. "Must be why they call them the devil's apples."
My comment took him off guard and he let out an amused chuckle. "The devil's what?"
"Apples," I replied, dipping a fry in some garlic sauce. "You've never heard the term?"
Trev's smile grew. "Can't say that I have."
"Well," I said, chewing. "Apparently, that's what the Puritans used to call tomatoes in the Middle Ages, because they thought they corrupted people. After all, the Spanish and the Italians were wild for them, with their loose morals, so they must be bad." I paused and waggled my brows. "All that tangy juiciness brings out our baser urges."
"Is that why you Spaniards have such insatiable appetites?" Trev teased, his tone flirtatious.
"Ha! You're the one with the appetite and we both know it. I can go months without sex and barely notice."
Interest marked his features and I instantly regretted the comment.
"Oh yeah? How long's it been?"
"I'll only answer that question if you answer it first," I threw back.
Trev's eyes twinkled at the challenge. He took his time pulling the slice of tomato out of his burger, then said, "Almost seven months. I haven't been with anyone since I broke up with Nicole."
Well, that was interesting. "You ever hear from her?"
He shook his head. "No. And I won't. She's clever enough to know to stay away. She'll never get anything else from me, monetary or otherwise."
I swallowed down a bite, well believing it. Trev could come across like a fun-loving, amiable bloke, but I knew he had a darker side. He'd spent his formative years stealing cars for one of London's most powerful crime lords, after all. I guess if he'd shown any of this side to Nicole after she pulled her fake sex tape stunt, she'd have run a mile and never looked back.
"Nice change of subject, by the way," Trev commented.
I narrowed my gaze, a smile tugging at my lips. "Glad you're impressed."
He stared me down and I relented with a sigh. "Fine. I beat you anyway. I haven't been with anyone in just under a year. Go me."
Trev let out a low whistle. "A year? How do you manage it?"
I arched a wry brow. "How do you?"
He chuckled. "Touché."
We ate in quiet for a few minutes. Trev had almost finished his burger when he eyed me curiously. "You remember that bloke you slept with? The one who looked like me?"
I shot a look at the ceiling. "Is this sex-life embarrassment day or something?"
"Yes, it's now a national holiday," said Trev, amused.
I scowled at him. "Funny. And yes, I remember him, why?"
"I did it, too."
"You did what, too?"
"Slept with someone who looked like you." He cleared his throat. "A few someones, actually."
My heart pulsed. "When?"
"After we broke up. You kind of ruined me for everyone else. I've only been able to get it up for curvy girls with dark hair ever since," he said, all matter of fact.
"You're lying."
He let out a quiet laugh. "Why do you always think I'm lying when I give you a compliment?"
"That's not a compliment. It's a creepy confession of sexual obsession."
"I wouldn't say creepy."
"You slept with girls because they looked like me. If that's not Grade-A creep behaviour then I don't know what is."
"Well, you did it, too. So we're both creeps."
I chuckled. "Wow. Congratulations to us."
Trev's expression warmed and I felt a blush suffuse my cheeks. The ridiculous thing was, I didn't feel creeped out. I knew I should, but I didn't. Maybe Trev was right when he said we were both as obsessed as each other. I distracted myself by clearing away the food packaging. Trev watched me, his features deep in thought.
"I do have a point though, about the compliments. You've always had self-esteem issues."
"Show me someone who doesn't."
"I don't. Go ahead, tell me I'm fantastic and I'll agree with you one hundred per cent."
"Yeah well, you're your own special breed."
"Of fantastic-ness, I know."
"Fantastic-ness isn't a word."
"Everything is a word. You just have to make it up and give it meaning. Anyway, I think you have these issues with self-esteem because of your family."
Oh great, here we went again. I sighed. "My family really seem to be a favourite topic of yours these days."
"I can't help it. I care about you. I want to see you find some peace about it all."
"I've found as much peace as I'm going to find."
"People who write songs like yours haven't found peace, Reya."
"Well, in that case, at least my art is flourishing. I'm gonna go take this rubbish out," I said, gathering the crumpled papers and leftover food into a bag. Trev took it from me and set it aside.
"Later. We're talking," he insisted and pulled me back down to sit on the bed.
I huffed a long, unhappy sigh and eyed him grumpily. "Fine, talk."
Trev considered me a moment, then said, "I think one of the reasons you rarely open your eyes when you sing is because of your family. I think they programmed you to feel ashamed."
I arched a quizzical brow. "Of singing?"
"Yes. Didn't they only ever let you play instrumental pieces? And if you sang, it was always hymns, right?"
I bit my lip, remembering how I used to wait until everyone was out of the house before I played my own songs, the ones I wrote in secret. Paula caught me once and I made her promise never to tell our parents. "Uh-huh."
"So, when you finally broke out on your own, you could play all the music you'd been hiding for years. You could finally stick it to your parents by singing songs they'd never approve of, in bars and clubs they'd never be caught dead in."
"Maybe," I allowed.
"But," Trev went on, putting extra emphasis on the word, "you still subconsciously feel like you're doing something wrong. You don't look at the audience, because it's safer behind closed eyelids. Looking at people when you sing takes bravery, because you're talking directly to them, you're confronting them with all the truth inside your lyrics. If you keep your eyes closed, then you don't have to confront them. You can still put out your truth, but you don't have to see the effect it has on the people who are listening."
_Who is this deep-thinking man and what has he done with the carefree, risk-taking boy I loved?_
I stared at him, my entire body tense as his reasoning fed my thoughts. He was right. Man, he was so right it was scary—scary because he saw me so much clearer than I even saw myself. I couldn't tell if I adored him for how much thought he'd put in to figure out the why's of my behaviour, or if I hated him for making me feel so exposed.
"Who died and made you Sigmund Freud?" I asked defensively, the joke falling flat.
Trev ran a hand through his hair, his expression tender with a hint of self-deprecation. "I have been spending a lot of time in therapy. Maybe all the psycho-babble is rubbing off on me."
I exhaled heavily. "Nah, you're right though. I do feel less exposed if I don't open my eyes. And subconsciously, I probably also feel a level of shame for living a life my parents wouldn't approve of. Like I told you before, even when I hate them I still love them."
"I really think you need closure. You've never told them how their actions affected you, how it felt to be shut out from a life that was all you'd ever known, how you had to fend for yourself, take out loans to finish uni and put yourself in massive debt. I think they need to hear it, Reya, even if they won't apologise or admit they were wrong, they can't hide from the truth inside themselves."
"Yes, they can. Because their truth is the opposite of mine, and there's never going to be anything I can do to change that."
Trev's expression sobered. "You're wrong."
I let out a sad laugh. "I appreciate you trying to help, seriously, I do. But you've never met my parents."
Indecipherable thoughts flickered behind his eyes. Once again, I had no idea what he was thinking when he finally murmured, "No, you're right. I haven't."
# Twenty-One.
### Past.
It was July 1st.
The start of one of the warmest months was always a cold time for me. Ever since I could remember, my family took a three-week holiday to Madrid around this time each year. My father would allow his staff to take care of the restaurant while we went to visit my aunt and uncle and various other relatives.
I loved it.
I loved playing on the street with my cousins.
I loved the oppressive heat and the strange, exotic plants.
I loved how cats in Spain looked just the tiniest bit different from cats in England.
But most of all, I loved being surrounded by people who loved _me_. Thinking back on it, the difference in my circumstances now as compared to when I was a child was like staring at a happy, smiling family portrait and then seeing pictures of the crime scene afterwards. Because some serial killer came along and hacked the happy family to death.
Yes, all things considered I was feeling pretty morbid.
The most painful thing was knowing that every member of my family was there now; my parents and sister, my brothers and their wives and kids. It was a Cabrera tradition, one that would be upheld despite the banished daughter. In fact, I was dead to them, only without the period of mourning associated with the loss of a family member.
I sat alone in my grotty little flat, counting the dirty coins and notes people had dropped in my hat while out busking yesterday, and wondered how this had become my life. I knew I was always welcome at Karla and Lee's, but sometimes I felt like I was encroaching, like I was the odd person out.
I picked up my phone, my thumb worrying the screen as I considered sending Trev a text. He was in Manchester filming _Running on Air_. It'd been a few days since we talked, but like always, I knew he was busy.
In the end, I decided against a text and dialled his number instead. At least with a phone call he could either answer or not. If I texted I'd have to sit and agonise and wait for a reply.
It rang out and I thought he wasn't going to pick up, but just when I was about to hit 'end' his voice filled the line.
"Reya, hey," he answered, sounding out of breath.
"Trev," I replied, relief filling me. It felt so good just to hear his voice. In an instant, my loneliness wasn't half as overwhelming. "How's everything going up there?"
Wherever he was, it sounded noisy. Someone was talking to him in the background and Trev didn't immediately answer my question, instead putting his hand over the speaker to deal with the other person. I could hear the muffled conversation.
_"I'll be there in a sec."_
_"Did you get the plan for tonight's run?"_
_"Yeah, Barry gave me the gist earlier."_
_"Well, we need you downstairs in five."_
_"Okay, I'll be there."_
_"Hold on, did you put an order in for dinner? We're doing burritos."_
_"Yeah, I told Jo. And can you get me some coconut water?"_
I let out a long, frustrated sigh, the happiness I felt hearing his voice quickly dissolving now that I was being kept on hold. Why bother answering when he didn't plan on talking to me? __ I stared around my flat as I waited for him to finish. My queen-sized bed was shoved up against the window, beyond which was my dark blue sofa and TV, then my tiny corner kitchenette. I wondered where Trev was staying in Manchester. Somewhere nice, I bet. There were probably Egyptian cotton sheets and a turndown service.
Trev's voice came back on the line. "Reyrey, it's so good to hear your voice."
I smiled. "I was just thinking the same thing. I miss you."
There was some more background noise and shuffling. Then I heard a door click shut and there was quiet. "I miss you, too. Things have been mad busy." His voice dipped low. "I wish you were here."
"Me, too," I said, and not for the first time wondered why he didn't invite me to come visit him. I had a sneaking suspicion his management company didn't want a girlfriend hanging around. They wanted Trev to appear single because it'd work more favourably with female viewers.
"How've you been?" Trev asked and a brick sank in my gut.
I didn't want to depress him by telling the truth, so I simply answered, "Good. The usual."
"You sure?"
"Mm-hmm."
There was a long pause and it grew awkward. Why did it feel like we had so little to say to each other these days? We used to be able to sit talking all night and never run out of words.
There was a pause before I blurted, "It's the first of July."
Silence. _He didn't remember?_ It was late afternoon and he still had no clue. We had dinner together each year on this day to help me survive the hurt. But now—
"Shit," Trev swore.
"What?"
"I just realised the date. Are you okay?"
_When have I ever been okay on this date_? "Not really. Today's been rough."
"Reya, I—"
Abruptly, there was a loud knock before a voice said, "Trev! We need you downstairs for the meeting now."
"Yeah, okay, I'm coming," he replied gruffly then spoke to me. "Reya, I'm so fucking sorry about this but I have to go. Can I call you back tonight?"
My chest deflated. "Sure," I said, even though I knew the likelihood of him calling me tonight was slim. "Go do your thing."
"I will. Talk to you later," he said, about to hang up.
"Trev."
"Yeah?"
I swallowed and asked the question that had been weighing on my mind for weeks. "Why don't you ever invite me to come see you? I'd drop everything in a heartbeat if you just asked."
There was a long moment of silence and I knew I'd caught him off guard. His deep exhalation filled my ear. "Do you want to come see me?"
"Of course, I do."
More silence. I knew he was going to give me an excuse as soon as he started talking. "Look, I'd love for you to come, but everything's so busy and I—"
"Yeah, you already said that. Don't worry, I get it."
"Please don't be like that," he said on a sigh.
_Please don't be like that?_ Like what? Someone who wants to see her boyfriend?
I rubbed at my sternum and had a sudden, stark realisation that none of this was ever going to work between us. It was always going to be me waiting around for him and him never having enough time for a girlfriend. _For me._ Pain seared my lungs as I made a split-second decision, though in truth it had been at the back of my mind for a while now.
"Look Trev, I think we should call it a day. This isn't working out."
"What?" he practically screeched. "Reya, don't you fucking dare."
"It's just easier this way. I can't keep sitting by the phone every night, hoping you'll call. I can't live like that anymore."
Somebody started pestering him about the meeting again and he sounded stressed when he grunted, "Reya, I'll call you tonight and we'll figure things out. Don't do this."
A crack formed in my heart and my eyes grew watery. "It's already done," I whispered and hung up. I was so upset I flung my phone across the room and heard a loud crack when it hit the wall. Tears fell down my cheeks. I hated feeling so unbalanced.
Crawling into bed, I pulled the duvet over my head, squeezed my eyes shut, and cried myself to sleep in the middle of the day.
_Was this how my life would always be?_
_Was I a fool for thinking someone like Trev could give me the love and consistency I wanted? Needed?_
Maybe I was. Maybe I just had to get over this pipe dream of him being the perfect boyfriend and realise it was never going to happen. Trev was the boy you loved who never noticed you existed. I needed to love a boy who would make me his entire world.
The next morning, I brought my phone to the repair shop, but it was going to be a few days before it was fixed. In the meantime, I couldn't afford a burner so I just had to do without. It drove me mad wondering if Trev had been trying to call me, but then again, maybe he hadn't. I told him we were done. Perhaps I made it easy for him to simply let things lie and focus on what really mattered to him. His career. Now I could fade away and he could fully embrace his new life.
Maybe that was for the best.
"Unfortunately, the SIM was damaged, so we had to give you a new one," said the repair guy as he slid my phone across the counter and rang up the cost. "But you can still keep your old number."
I blinked and swallowed. "Oh, right. That's, uh, that's good."
But a part of me was disappointed, because now I would be able to see if Trev tried calling. I would be able to listen to his messages. If he bothered to leave any. It might have been less painful to simply not know. Veins twisted in my heart, because even though I wanted him to want me, I wasn't sure I had it in me to try again. _To hope._
When I got home and powered my phone on, I tapped my fingers on the table top, anxious. A few seconds later it came alive, buzzing with missed calls and texts. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a panic attack coming on. After a few deep breaths, I managed to stave it off. Most of my missed calls were from Trev. They were accompanied by a string of messages spread over the last few days.
_Answer your phone. Please. xxx._
_We need to talk, Reya. Don't shut me out._
_I love you so bloody much._
_Can you please just answer your phone?_
_Reya, I'm begging you. Don't do this._
_If I have to hear your voicemail one more time I'm going to lose my shit._
_Really? REALLY? This is how you're going to end things? I never took you for a coward._
My heart rate rose higher and higher the further I scrolled through his messages. Then it came to a crashing thud when I reached the final one.
_Fine. If this is what you want I'll leave you alone. Have a nice life._
The finality of his words cut me to the quick. I knew if I'd had my phone the last few days I'd have answered one of those many missed calls. I wasn't strong enough not to. But maybe this _was_ for the best. Talking to him would only suck me back in. I couldn't rely on myself to think logically when it came to Trev. This clean break meant I wouldn't have to test the strength of my conviction. Not seeing or talking to him would make it easier to stay strong.
In spite of this determination, I felt almost as low as I had when I left my parents' house at eighteen; shunned, rejected, worthless. But I didn't have the luxury of wallowing. I had to go out and earn money, otherwise my life really would fall into the gutter. I couldn't afford to stay in bed for days, nursing my bruised heart.
I had to go out there and live.
After all, I'd survived worse.
About two weeks later I was busking in Soho, taking advantage of the tourist crowd, while I sang song after song about heartache. It was my only theme lately. I was probably depressing the crap out of my audience, but there was still a decent bit of cash in my hat. I guess everyone could relate to sadness in some way.
I was midway through a cover of "Elastic Heart" by Sia when I caught sight of a familiar face in the crowd. Trev stood outside a shop on the other side of the street, crowds of people passing by while his blue eyes stayed locked on me. The song was oddly appropriate.
Fire scored my veins.
Lack of air suffocated my lungs.
Pain consumed my heart.
But I never faltered. I pounded the keys with force, sat up straight and stared right through him. Then I closed my eyes and sang with everything I had inside. When I opened them again, he was gone.
_Well_ , I thought to myself, _I guess that's that._
_We're done._
# Twenty-Two.
I woke up wrapped in Trev's arms for the first time in two years, and it was somewhat jarring. After our heart-to-heart last night, we lay down to watch a movie on his laptop and ended up falling asleep. His scent filled my nose and his front pressed flush to my back. I twisted a little in his arms to find he was already awake.
"Hey," I murmured, tensing at his focused expression. It looked like he was thinking about something intently. Goosebumps claimed my skin.
"Morning," he replied, his voice a tired, husky rasp.
His arm was draped over my middle, his injured hand raised up above his head. "Uh, how's your hand?"
"Sore."
"Yeah, it'll probably be a while before it starts to feel better." I moved to get up but his good hand held me in place.
"Don't go yet," he whispered and I stilled. I didn't know what to say so I simply lay there. It was probably a bad idea sleeping with him last night, but how could I not? He owned my heart. I loved being in his arms. His hand flattened out on my stomach and butterflies flooded my insides. I moved my hips ever so slightly and heard a sharp inhale of breath.
"Trev! Barry's coming over for a meeting. He'll be here in ten minutes, so get your arse up," came Paul's voice as he banged on the door.
I immediately shifted away. Glancing across the room I saw that Callum's bed was empty. I flushed at the thought of him coming in last night and finding Trev and me asleep together.
Trev sat up, his hair sticking out in every direction. "Yeah, yeah, okay."
I tugged the duvet around myself and watched as he pulled on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. While he was distracted spraying his underarms with deodorant I slipped out of the room. Thankfully, my room was empty. I headed into the en-suite and turned the shower on, enjoying the hot spray on my weary body. When I was clean and dressed in some leggings and a light, flower-print summer dress, I joined everyone in the living area.
Barry sat on an armchair talking to the group. A few crewmembers were there, too, but they weren't filming. I noticed Isaac in the kitchen making tea and gave him a nod. The mood in the apartment was tense and stress radiated from Barry like a tangible force.
I searched in the cupboards for something to eat, at the same time listening to Barry. "I've decided not to delay the schedule after all. Callum's in good enough health to perform and Trevor can be on hand to supervise during the stunts. If he's feeling up to it we can include him in some of the shots. Even so, his injury won't hold us back as much as we thought. The accident and accompanying drama will be good fodder for the show. It'll certainly keep our audience watching."
I made eye contact with Isaac and he shot me a grin. We were both pretending not to pay attention while we listened to every word. I held up a box of cereal and he nodded, so I poured us both a bowl.
When I glanced up, I noticed Trev studying us. For a second, I thought he might be jealous like he was the other day when I was talking to Paul. But then he spoke and proved me wrong.
"Why don't we have Isaac fill in for me while my wrist heals?" he suggested. Isaac had a spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth when he dropped it back in the bowl with a loud clatter.
"Me?" he asked, disbelieving.
"Yeah, you," said Trev. "We've all seen you run. It'll be nothing to you."
"But—"
"You free run?" Barry asked, his expression transforming as he studied Isaac like he'd never noticed him before, and he probably hadn't. The director sized him up, took in the toned lines of his shoulders and his strong legs. Interest marked his features as he likely came to the conclusion that he could use him.
"We'll give you a trial run. If I like what you do, you can stand in for Trevor until he's well enough to run again. The rest of you, we'll be filming street shots today so be ready to go at twelve." He paused and cast a look at Isaac. "That includes you, kiddo."
With that he stood and waved for the other crew to follow. Isaac watched them leave, open-mouthed. I smiled and reached over to tip his chin. "If you keep your mouth open like that, something's gonna fly in."
"Did . . . did that really just happen?"
"Yep."
He brought his hands to his cheeks. "Oh, my goodness."
Trev stood from his place on the couch and strode over to us. "It's your time to shine, grasshopper. Don't let me down."
"I don't know what to say."
Trev flashed a handsome smile. "You don't have to say anything. Just impress the tits off Barry and thank me later."
"You ever wonder what our babies would look like?" Trev asked casually, like it was the most normal question in the world.
I was instant-messaging with Marlene, the girl I met after my Paris gig. She worked as a social media specialist and was trying to convince me to create more of an online presence; set up a website, record my songs to sell on iTunes, stuff like that. I wasn't entirely convinced, but I was open to her ideas. We'd been chatting a lot since she emailed me photos of my gig.
I pulled my attention away from my laptop to look at Trev. He lay stretched out on the couch, eating an apple and watching TV. Since he was still supposed to be resting, he hadn't gone with the group to film. I offered to stay behind in case he needed anything, which I regretted now. His blue eyes glittered with mischief, like they often did when he asked uncomfortable questions. He relished making people squirm, or maybe he just relished making _me_ squirm.
I sucked in a breath and answered calmly, "No, I can't say it's ever crossed my mind."
He swallowed a bite of apple. "I do, sometimes."
"That's nice." I returned my focus to my laptop.
"They'd be little beauties with blue eyes and a tan."
I scoffed a laugh. "You're insane."
His mouth curved in a smirk as he pointed the remote at me. "You've thought about it. I can see it in your eyes."
Now I laughed louder. "I have not, and I will not. Just consider my mind a blank canvas."
"Oh, come on, admit it, Reya. You'd love to have my kids," he prodded playfully.
"You're being so bloody weird, quit it," I said and lifted a pillow to throw at his head. He chuckled when it hit him in the face. I cleared my throat, typing a reply to Marlene as I continued under my breath, "Besides, they're more likely to be pale with brown eyes."
I chanced a glance at him and he was smiling so wide my heart gave a quick, hard thump.
"Either way, they'd be fucking adorable."
I shook my head. "I just can't with you sometimes."
We fell into companionable silence after that, but something weighed heavy on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about how things ended between us two years ago and how maybe I could've done things differently.
"Trev, can I ask a question?"
He glanced away from the TV to look at me. "Ask me anything."
"It's sort of a heavy subject."
"I'm good with heavy."
I rubbed my hands on my leggings, my throat tightening as I met his gaze. "I was just thinking about that last call we had when I broke things off, you know, _before_."
His expression darkened and he sat up straight, his shoulders tense. "What about it?"
"Well," I started, "you don't know this, but I smashed my phone after we hung up and had to take to get fixed."
A loaded silence fell. Trev didn't breathe a word, and somehow, his normally bright eyes looked cloudy. He was remembering that time, which was probably why his voice held such an edge. "I don't entirely get where you're going with this, Reya."
I cleared my throat, needing to get the words out. "It took a few days to be repaired, so when you called and left all those messages, I didn't see them until long after."
Another lengthy, deafening silence fell between us. Trev's face showed a whole range of emotions, from regret to anger to frustration and then the tiniest hint of resignation. My chest tightened to see how the truth affected him. Eventually, he broke the silence.
"C'mere."
His simple command surprised me. I expected him to be angry, but when I slid my computer off my lap and approached him, Trev held his arms out and I sank into his embrace. His face was in my hair and he inhaled deeply before he murmured, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that?"
"I'm not sure. I think I dreamt about it last night. It's been weighing on my mind all day. I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn't intentionally ignore your calls. By the time I saw them, you'd resigned yourself to the fact that we were over. I thought it would be easier on both of us not to drag things out."
"If you'd said that two years ago, I would've fought you on it tooth and nail."
"I know," I whispered.
"But then I probably would've let you down again."
"I know that, too."
"So, although I hate the time we lost, I know it was a necessary evil. If I never lost you, I probably never would've sought treatment. Things might've ended worse than they did. I might've lost you forever."
I shifted to look at him, and my expression must've shown my surprise because his voice held a hint of humour. "Not what you expected me to say?"
"I thought you'd hate me for not calling you when I finally got those messages. It's literally been eating me up inside."
He stroked my hair and levelled me with a sincere look. "Reya, I could never, ever hate you. Not in a million years. It pains me to think of how careless I was with you back then. If I hadn't been so messed up I swear I would've treated you like a princess. You had every right to break things off."
Emotion pricked at me hearing his tenderly spoken words and I snuggled closer. He continued stroking my hair, his hand dropping down to intermittently rub my back. My hands wandered across his shoulders and down to rest at the base of his spine. I thought I felt him shudder but I couldn't be certain. We stayed like that for what seemed like forever and it was nice to just be held. _Touched._
"Have you been writing any new songs lately?" Trev asked, his uninjured hand twisting through my wavy hair.
"One or two."
"Can I hear something?"
My pulse quickened, because the only song I'd halfway finished writing since I came on this trip was about him. Still, there was something about the moment we shared that made me want to open up.
"I'll need to set up my keyboard," I said, shifting out of his hold.
He smiled, the sexy dimples in his cheeks deepening. "I'm not going anywhere."
A few minutes later we were in Leanne's and my bedroom. I sat by my keyboard while Trev arranged my pillows to his liking. Once he was comfortable, I played a little tune, but it wasn't the song I intended. I was stalling, for obvious reasons.
"This song isn't finished yet. It still needs a few more verses, but it's, um, well, it's actually about you."
"What's it called?" he asked, slightly hoarse.
I worried my lip and answered, "Hearts on Air."
His expression showed the tiniest hint of surprise as he leaned back into the pillows, his posture relaxing. It really wasn't fair how pretty he was. "Sing it for me."
I shut my eyes, took a deep breath, and played the opening chords. I was so nervous I messed them up and had to start over again. I could imagine Trev's encouraging, tender smile, which only made me more flustered. Finally, I pulled myself together and sang.
_If the violin is a voice_
_Then the drums are a heart_
_And the piano is my body and soul_
* * *
_I f the air is a street_
_Then the clouds are a path_
_And your feet so easily close the distance_
* * *
_Y ou walk on air like it's concrete_
_My heart's on air like it's incomplete_
_Then you leap and it's like I have no breath_
I made the mistake of opening my eyes just as I finished the first chorus. Trev sat upright, his attention rapt, his gaze relentless and full of heat. My breath caught and my heart thrummed. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to fall into his arms and taste his skin, run my hands along every inch of him. _I. Wanted. Him._ The desire was so strong it was jarring. I stopped playing abruptly and stood, almost knocking over the keyboard stand in the process. My hands shook as I ran them through my hair.
"Trev, I . . . " I saw hope in his expression, which only confused me further. _My heart's on air like it's incomplete._ Was it foolish to sing those words to him? Was I foolish to think something permanent could happen between us when we hadn't survived the first time?
I _thought_ that was what was holding me back. But with him in my room, our privacy assured, I didn't trust myself to not fall into his arms and beg him to keep me there. That wasn't fair to me or to him. We both deserved more than that.
"Reya," Trev climbed off the bed and grabbed my wrist. "What's wrong?"
"Do you mind if I go for a walk for a while?" I asked, not meeting his eyes, not really needing permission either. "You didn't do anything wrong, Trev. I just . . . need to get out for a bit."
_Otherwise I won't be able to keep my hands off you._
He blew out a breath, his expression understanding. "No, sure. Go ahead."
Finally, I looked up. He must've seen something in my face because he dropped my hand. I didn't wait for him to say anything else as I left. I hoped he would understand I wasn't running, but was processing. Thinking. _Daring to hope._
I walked for hours. The city was beautiful and I could've explored forever if it weren't for my stupid feet getting blisters. My heart pounded like I'd just climbed a mountain, but it wasn't from the walking, it was from the conflicting thoughts running wild inside my head.
I wanted to be with Trev.
I wanted him so bad my skin felt too tight for my body and my lungs constantly ached.
How had I so willingly let myself sink back to square one? I couldn't even say I had blinders on, because I'd been through it all with Trev so many times before and I knew exactly what I was getting into. The fall _with_ him was always so pleasurable, so exhilarating, that it was almost impossible to resist. You didn't care about all the precious veins you were destroying as you stuck the needle in your arm, because the high was too good, the stakes too great. _He was aware now, though. "If I hadn't been so messed up I swear I would've treated you like a princess."_ He understood he'd been careless, and from listening to his Skype call with his doctor the other day, he was determined to not fall into the same habits. He was maturing, growing.
While I sang for him, between one chord and the next, I saw with dawning horror all the same mistakes _I_ was making. At the same time, I didn't care. I wanted to believe in this new world we inhabited, where he orbited around me rather than the other way around. I held all the power now. With just one crook of my finger I could have him, I knew I could, and yet, I was terrified to take the leap.
I was terrified because maybe, possibly, _conceivably_ I could be happy. And happiness was a stranger, but misery was a dear old friend.
# Twenty-Three.
For the next few days, between playing gigs at night and working with Neil during the day, I didn't get much alone time with Trev. It was a relief in a small way, because it allowed me time to think everything through. Pulling the brakes on the intensity was what both of us needed. We were establishing a newfound friendship and trust, but it was tentative. If we rushed things, we'd crash into the same old wall again—something we were both aware of.
Since Trev couldn't do much with his injured wrist, he immersed himself in training our young South African friend instead. Every evening they went running together and it warmed my heart to see their budding friendship develop.
On the afternoon of our train to Madrid, I was feeling a little unstable. Not because of Trev, but because of the trip down memory lane I was about to embark on. I was going to visit a city fraught with childhood memories and I wasn't sure I was ready.
"Sit next to me," said Trev as I lugged my suitcase on board the train. His hand came to the small of my back as he led me down the first-class carriage.
"It's an eleven-hour journey. Are you sure you want me next to you all that time? I snore pretty loudly when I fall asleep on public transport," I joked and saw his expression warm.
"I don't care if you drool on my shoulder, just sit with me. We've hardly talked in days."
Before I could respond he ushered me to a window seat. Trev lifted my suitcase with one arm, which was pretty impressive, and deposited it in the overhead bin. Then he slid into the seat beside me and grinned.
"See, that wasn't so hard."
I arched a brow. "Did I have a choice?"
His grin widened. "Nope."
Callum and Paul took the two seats opposite ours, while James, Leanne and Isaac sat just across the aisle. I stuck my headphones in and listened to music as the train left the station. A few minutes into the journey, Trev nudged me with his shoulder and held out his injured wrist.
"I'm making everyone write something on here. Want to go first?"
I smiled wide as I glanced at his cast and placed a hand to my heart. "Why, Trevor, I'd be honoured to break you in."
His expression turned playful as he handed me a blue Sharpie. I uncapped it and took a moment to think about what to write, then a funny thought struck me. I held his hand at an angle so he couldn't see, scribbled something down, then handed the Sharpie back to him. His eyes gleamed with pleasure when he saw what I wrote, his mouth curving in a slow smile as he read aloud.
" _This happened to your right hand because God's been watching you in the shower. Let it be a lesson_."
Everyone laughed while I shot Trev a challenging smirk. "It was a toss-up between that and 'Too glam to give a damn'."
He narrowed his gaze, his mouth twitching as he tried not to smile. "Of course, it was." A pause as he looked at his cast again, then effected an offended expression. "God's a pervert."
"Oh yeah, total voyeur," said Paul. "The religion part's just a front."
"This is the reason why I'm glad to be sharing a bathroom with only Reya for the rest of the trip," Leanne put in. "I know exactly what you lot get up to in the shower."
"I thought we agreed never to speak of that," Paul added humorously.
Leanne chuckled. "Right, my bad."
"The shower _is_ the most hygienic place to do it though," James reasoned with a demure smirk.
Leanne held out a hand. "Spare me the details."
"You're the one who brought it up."
"Actually, I was," I admitted. "Sorry about that."
"It's not like it's only a guy thing," said Cal, peering at Leanne in challenge. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't 'enjoy' the massage feature on your shower head back home."
Her shoulders straightened as she levelled him with a provocative look. "Why would I bother when I have plenty of vibrators to do the job?"
James barked a laugh. "She got you good with that one, Cal."
Callum's green eyes glinted as he looked to Leanne again. "You do realise you just confessed to everyone you've got a dildo collection, right?"
Leanne's smile was cutting. "Only because I stole it from you. I never thought you'd be into the whole 'bend-over-boyfriend' thing. I guess people are full of surprises."
Callum laughed loudly and threw his hands up. "Okay, you win. I have nothing."
"Hold up a second, people _steal_ dildo collections?" Paul asked with a theatrical shudder. "Now that's unhygienic."
"Give him a slap for me, will you, Reya?" Leanne asked. "I can't reach from here."
Paul chuckled. "You're the one who said you stole Callum's dildos. I'm only commenting on your own admission."
"Can we please change the subject from sex-toy theft?" James begged, glancing over his shoulder to make sure our neighbours weren't listening.
"Why?" Paul asked. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"Uh, _yes_ ," James answered immediately and I huffed a laugh. Watching this lot interact was hilarious. Isaac's amused features said the same. When I glanced at Trev I found him staring at me, his expression fond.
"He doesn't like talking about stealing," Callum put in, joining forces with Paul. "Because it reminds him of the time he nicked a quid from his granny's purse to buy a bag of apple bonbons. He still has some residual guilt."
James rolled his eyes. "You're hilarious, Cal."
"And you're a saint. We need to dirty you up. I bet you've never even made a prank phone call."
"Hey, that's a serious crime," Trev put in jokingly.
"You're one to talk," said Callum. "We'd be able to fill an encyclopaedia with all the laws you've broken."
Trev flipped him off.
"You're just jealous because Trev's the real deal, and you're a fake-arse bad boy. The tattoos fool no one," said James, arching a brow.
Callum shot him a narrow-eyed look and pulled a packet of chewing gum from his pocket.
"Just out of curiosity," said Leanne, her attention on Trev, "exactly what laws have you broken? James and Cal know all about your past, but you lot keep Paul and me in the dark."
"Aw, don't have hurt feelings. I have to maintain my air of mystery somehow," said Trev.
I studied him, surprised Leanne and Paul didn't know. He'd never been the secretive type, far from it. Trev was more inclined to tell you every shameful thought in his head for the simple pleasure of seeing the shock on your face.
"Bullshit. Come on, tell us. We're on TV together. If that doesn't qualify us for entry into your circle of trust then I don't know what does," said Paul.
Trev shot him an exasperated look and glanced out the window a second. When he looked at Paul again his expression was serious. "I mostly stole cars."
"Mostly?" Leanne asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Oh, he also used to jump the barriers at tube stations to avoid paying the ticket fare," I said in an effort to lighten the mood. "I'd be swiping my Oyster card and he'd already be halfway to the platform."
"That's kids' stuff," said Paul with a wave of his hand. "I want to hear how you steal a car."
"Why? It's not like you need to steal anything," Trev countered, a touch of hostility in his tone. I knew this was a somewhat touchy subject for him. Without thinking I touched my fingers to his thigh in comfort. His blinked in surprise.
Paul shrugged. "Morbid curiosity, I guess."
Trev exhaled a deep breath. I sensed he decided to indulge him when he cast his gaze back to me. There was a hint of wickedness behind his eyes, like an idea was forming. "Fine, but I'll need some help. Reya?"
"Sure," I said easily, though I wasn't sure why he needed my assistance. Before I could question him, he took my hand and pulled me up from my seat. He led me into the aisle and positioned me so I faced him. "Okay, so let's pretend our lovely Reya here is a car."
I scoffed a laugh. "Wow, I'm flattered."
Trev's lips twitched. "Humour me."
"What kind?" Callum asked.
Trev pondered it a moment, rubbing his chin. "Something expensive and exotic. A Lexus?"
I rolled my eyes. Everyone was watching us now, including a few other people on board the carriage who were casting us curious glances.
"So," said Trev. "First you want to give her a little bump, see if she's got an alarm installed." He moved his body into mine, his shoulder making contact with my collarbone. He jolted me but it wasn't rough. "Most newer cars do. I used to steal a lot of Mercs and BMWs because they got a high price. Trouble is, the alarm systems on those models are top-notch, which made my job more difficult."
"It's so weird hearing you say stuff like that," Leanne commented.
Trev casually lifted a shoulder, his voice matter of fact when he replied, "This used to be my life." He returned his attention to me, and there was something about the calculating, focused look in his eyes that warmed my cheeks. He studied me like I was a high-class motor vehicle, and there was something weirdly arousing about it.
Yep, I had issues.
"If an alarm goes off, you can take the chance or you move on. Usually, I'd take the chance. Plus, most people are dumb enough to leave stickers on the windows with the name of their alarm manufacturer. So, you take a look around," he said, his eyes wandering up and down my body again. The group laughed when he peeked over my shoulder at my arse and I swatted him on the chest.
He smirked and continued talking. "You find a sticker, you know what sort of alarm you're dealing with. Messy fuckers break the window, but jimmying the lock was my specialty. I swear I had techniques for every make and model. Once you're inside, you might need to cut a lock on the steering wheel." He reached out and gestured a cutting motion across my chest. I swallowed down a lump of desire when his fingers brushed my bare skin. He was just an inch shy of my boob and the cheeky fucker knew it.
"If an alarm goes off, you deactivate it by cutting the wiring. Like I said, it all depends on the manufacturer." He made another snipping motion across my chest and I shot him a small glare. He was pushing it now but I couldn't help the shiver that trickled down my spine. Who knew car theft could be so arousing?
_Oh wait. That was Trev who was arousing._
"Sometimes, if you're lucky, the owner might've hidden a spare key somewhere, so you do a little search." Starting at my shoulders, he ran his hands down my sides as though searching for the elusive hidden key. This was such an excuse to feel me up, but I couldn't decide if I was annoyed or impressed with his creativity. When his fingers skimmed my hips then started moving down toward my backside I brushed them away. "Okay," I croaked. "I think they get the point."
"Is anyone else turned on?" Leanne asked with a touch of humour.
I shot her a playful scowl then looked back to Trev. He was staring down at me in amusement, clearly loving every second of this little demonstration. A woman sitting a few rows down was shooting us disapproving looks, but I was too focused on Trev to be bothered by her.
Trev cleared his throat, and I wondered if he was just as affected right then as I was. Sure, I hadn't had sex in nearly a year, but it had been a long time for him, too, especially by his standards. "If you can't find the spare key, then you'll need to open her up and hotwire the engine."
"Don't even go there," I warned and he laughed, the warm sound heating my insides.
He leaned close to whisper, "I won't. I think we've both had enough fun . . . for now."
Goosebumps dotted my skin as he looked to Paul. "Like the alarm system, depending on the make and model, hotwiring can be a tricky business."
"Bet you had your techniques," I muttered under my breath, moving by him to sit back down in my seat. I needed a glass of iced water, or maybe some chilled red wine would be better. My nerves were frazzled, while my vagina was screaming out for him to do another demo.
_She_ was such an attention whore.
"Did you ever get caught?" Paul asked, intrigued.
"I had a few run-ins, spent a couple nights in the nick, but never prison."
"Didn't Karla arrest you once?" I asked curiously.
He shook his head. "Nah, that was Liam, remember? Although she did almost catch me one time. I had my eye on a nice little matte-black Honda and she spotted me from down the street. She gave a good chase, but I'm pretty much impossible to catch. At least I was back then."
"Your life is so bizarre," said Leanne, shaking her head in disbelief.
"How do you think I learned to free run?" Trev replied. "It was out of necessity. Coppers like Karla are fast, but they aren't going to risk breaking their necks to jump off a fifteen-foot wall, or worse, a roof."
"Your story is so much more impressive than mine. I started freerunning to impress girls," said Paul.
"We all did it to impress girls," Callum put in. "Only in Trev's case it was an added bonus."
"Not me," said Isaac. "Back in Joburg, I had to walk through some dangerous areas to get to school. A friend of mine showed me that if I learned to jump across roofs, I could avoid those areas."
"You see?" said Leanne, eyeing Callum. "Not all men think with their penis. I saw some kids doing it at my local park and knew instantly it was my sport. I could give a shit about impressing anyone, male or female."
"Some of us can't be that awesome," Callum threw back. It wasn't a compliment, as there was too much bite in his words. They appeared embroiled in a staring match when a woman came down the aisle holding her daughter's hand. The little girl was probably about three or four years old and wore a big friendly smile when her attention fell on Callum.
_"¡Mami mira, tiene dibujos en sus brazos! ¿Por qué tiene dibujos en sus brazos?"_ she asked, her face alight with curiosity.
_"Porque hay gente a la que le gusta dibujarse,"_ the mother explained with a smile.
The little girl's big brown eyes widened in fascination, her gaze never leaving Callum. He grew uncomfortable with her attention and his entire body stiffened. He seemed conflicted. Hostile. It was just a little Spanish kid. I guessed some people were weird around children.
_"Ven y deja al hombre en paz,"_ said the mother as she led her daughter further down the aisle.
Callum glanced at me. Someone must've told him I spoke Spanish because he asked, "What did she say?"
I was surprised he cared enough to ask, and also by how important it seemed to him to know the answer. I smiled and nodded to his exposed arms. "She asked her mum why you have pictures on your arms."
"Oh," he said, looking unsettled. For some reason, Leanne reached across to his seat and gave his elbow a soft squeeze. I knew I had to be missing something, because her face was almost as sombre as Callum's right then. Their previous battle of wills was completely forgotten. Then, abruptly, he tugged his arm away and stood from his seat, striding down the aisle without a word. Once again, I was completely lost, but I sensed the tension among the group and knew it wouldn't be wise to ask questions.
"Trev, go talk to him. Please," Leanne begged, her eyes beseeching.
Trev ran a hand over his jaw and nodded, pushing up out of his seat. I watched him make his way down the aisle after Callum then focused my attention out the window. The atmosphere was stifling and I couldn't help my curiosity. I wanted to know what was up with them.
About twenty minutes later, Trev and Callum returned to their seats, like nothing had even happened. I kept my attention on the old episode of _Black Books_ I was watching on my phone when Trev pulled out one of my ear buds to stick it in his own ear. I cast him a curious glance
"I love this show. It's a classic," was all he said as he shifted closer to watch it with me.
We were several episodes in when the sky started to darken. I glanced out at the passing scenery to distract myself. Through every episode, he found subtle ways to touch me, whether it was resting his hand on my thigh or moving it down to gently cup my knee.
All of my senses were on high alert.
The others were entirely unaware of how he delicately seduced me, how I felt ready to burst with the need to touch him back. I could've told him to stop. I could've gone and sat in the empty seat next to Isaac, but I didn't. Much as I hated to admit it, I liked what he was doing. _I had missed touch._ I relished the quiet dance we engaged in, even though I wasn't sure where it would lead.
I was relieved when the time came to visit the dining cart. I practically inhaled my soup and sandwich, then went to stretch my legs by walking up and down the carriages.
I reached the end of the very last carriage and found a small, empty storage space where I could take a breath. It was quiet here, and I savoured the moment alone as I leaned back against the wall.
Being on this train was like being trapped in a temptation bubble full of sexual tension.
I closed my eyes, but all I saw was Trev. I was so sensitised to his touch I could still feel the phantom impression of his hand on my knee.
Needing a distraction, I pulled out my phone and found a new text from Karla. She asked how everything was going and I started to type a reply when the sliding door clicked open. Thinking it was someone looking for the bathroom, I shifted out of the way, my attention fixed to my phone when familiar fingers pulled it from my grasp.
"Who are you texting?" Trev asked. His voice held a guttural quality. Was he as worked up as I was? We inhabited such rocky territory; one wrong move and the thin grasp we both had on control would snap.
I glanced up and grabbed my phone back. "Just Karla." He stood way too close, the heady scent of his cologne putting me on a knife's edge.
"Ah," he said, his bright eyes twinkling as he stared me down.
"W-what's up?" I asked clumsily, feeling out of sorts. It was too quiet back here, too private, and Trev's proximity seemed to soak up all the oxygen.
He tilted his head in a way that made my heart flutter. "I was just wondering where you'd disappeared to."
I made a gesture with my hands. "Well, here I am."
Anticipation filled the air until I felt too hot, stifled almost. A whimper nearly escaped me, but I managed to hold it in. There was barely an inch of space between us. If I moved the tiniest bit, my breasts would brush against him. My body was screaming out for the friction.
Trev's expression turned soft, his attention focused on my mouth when he murmured, "Here you are."
"What did you—"
My words were cut short when he gripped my neck, pulled me to him, and crushed his lips to mine. I gasped, my mouth opening in surprise, and he took advantage of the moment to plunge his tongue inside. Every pore in my body tightened, every tiny hair stood on end, as a kaleidoscope of colours flashed behind my eyes.
His kiss spanned ultraviolet to infrared.
It was need and unleashed repression.
It sated the want I'd felt in the past month, and so much more.
Trev pushed me back against the wall until his sculpted body fit into all my soft curves. It was violent, almost angry, but heady in a way I'd never known. Pent-up desire released like butterflies fleeing a net.
He let out a sound of pure, unadulterated male desire, half grunt, half groan. If I could capture it on a recording, I was sure Nicki Minaj would want to sample it on one of her tracks.
His hand moved from my neck and down my chest to press over my heart. I swore it stopped beating for a second. In my head, I heard an entire symphony: there were strings and brass, percussion and woodwinds, and then, at the centre of it all, a single grand piano playing a tune that captured every feeling I had for this crazy, beautiful, messed-up wonder of a man.
His tongue was relentless, his lips devouring me like he was starved. My body tingled with heat, and when he dragged his mouth from mine to gasp in my ear, "I've wanted to do that for weeks," I melted into a pile of boneless goo.
I brought both my hands to his neck and pulled him to me. This time I was the one who kissed him. Now that I'd gotten a taste, there was no going back. I was one hundred per cent doing this and a thousand-man standing army couldn't stop me.
I whimpered when his hand dipped low to squeeze my arse. His other hand tried to join in, but the cast meant he couldn't do much. Trev groaned his frustration but didn't break the kiss. Instead he manoeuvred us to a private corner where we wouldn't be seen.
His free hand slid up my spine. His fingers brushed the back of my neck then wandered down. I trembled and gripped his strong, muscular shoulders, my hands slowly moving along his back, my fingertips exploring every hard dip and indent of his athletic form.
Again, his injured hand pressed clumsily against my side. He broke away long enough to swear under his breath before he was on me again. His other hand explored my front, moving up my stomach to massage my breast. Never more had I wished to be anywhere but on a public bloody train somewhere between France and Spain.
His need set me on fire, his hunger so great I practically shivered with desperate trepidation. When his fingers dipped inside the waistband of my jeans and pressed against my wet heat, I let out a loud, erotic moan. Trev grunted and his hand slipped past the elastic of my underwear. When his fingers found my wetness, my eyes drifted shut. My mouth left his as my head fell back against the wall of the carriage.
"Oh God," I gasped and opened my eyes. I was met with a look so fierce that I had to close them again. Trev watched me, absorbing my every reaction. His fingers moved in a tantalising rhythm against my sex. My entire body shuddered when he swiped a thumb over my clit.
My thighs clenched and I arched my spine, pushing into him, feeling like I couldn't get close enough. He started kissing me again, but this time it was less frantic, slower—sensual. His circles on my clit matched the tempo of his kiss, building up the pleasure until I couldn't hold back for a second longer.
I came with a sharp, breathless cry and buried my face in his neck. Trev didn't move his hand, instead making a deep, satisfied hum in the back of his throat as his fingers dipped inside me. I moaned at the exquisite invasion, arching my back again to grant him better access.
"You feel incredible," he breathed as I nuzzled the hollow of his neck.
An announcement came over the speakers, signalling the next stop.
"I hate that we're stuck on this train," Trev ground out. "Want to get off here and find a hotel?"
I let out a soft, surprisingly breathy laugh. "I think that would be pretty obvious. Everybody's probably already wondering where we've disappeared to."
"Fuck them. Let them think what they want. I need you now."
His gruff, manly tone turned me on. I wanted the same thing, but it was too much. How quickly he could make me come seemed to match how fast I lost my head with him. I'd do anything just to sate the hunger I felt, but for now, I had to be restrained.
My tone was flirtatious when I replied, "Trev, I'm not getting off this train just to go have sex with you in some random hotel in"—I paused to look out the window at the station we were stopped in—"Burgos. Besides, we have to get off to change trains in a little bit anyway."
"You're a cruel mistress."
My lips curved. "The cruellest."
He dipped down for another kiss. "But I love you anyway."
# Twenty-Four.
My body stilled at his declaration, but instead of waiting for a reply, he kissed me again.
I hugged him tight, trying to convey my feelings physically because I couldn't yet express them verbally. When we broke apart for air we just stood there, holding one another. His hands roamed my body, like he'd been starved of me for too long.
Still, I felt awkward as we made our way back to our seats. Why did I feel so conflicted when he said he loved me? Why was I so afraid of saying it back?
Paul shot the two of us a knowing grin on our return, but everyone else seemed wrapped up in their own activities. Leanne, James and Isaac played a game of travel Scrabble, while Callum had his earphones on, arms folded and eyes closed. I couldn't tell if he was sleeping or just trying to ignore everyone.
I settled into my seat and quietly resumed watching episodes on my phone. Trev didn't take an earbud this time, but I was overly aware of his attention. Glancing to the side, I sent him a warning look, but he only grinned and palmed my thigh. His fingers brushed back and forth over the fabric of my jeans, and I couldn't stop fixating on how those same fingers just brought me to orgasm.
I think that was his intention.
I tried my best to concentrate but it was a little hard when he bent to whisper, "I need to kiss you again." And then he licked my neck, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Arousal fizzled beneath my skin. I quickly glanced around, relieved to find no one had seen.
My eyes held a barrel full of warning, but that didn't deter him.
"Meet me in the bathroom," he went on.
I arched a brow and whispered back, "Number one, no, train bathrooms are gross, and two, leave me alone. You've gotten all you're going to get from me today."
"Don't you mean, _you_ got all you're going to get from _me_?"
I narrowed my eyes and held back a smile. "You're relentless."
"Only with you."
"That wasn't a compliment."
His answering smile was brazen. "Yeah, it was."
I shook my head and endeavoured to ignore him. _Cocky bastard. One I love._
I managed to survive the remainder of the journey without too much more flirtation from Trev. Although he wouldn't stop grinning like the cat that got the cream the whole time. It'd bother me if it wasn't so adorable.
Was this it?
Were Trev and I finally going to have our time?
I felt like I was floating on air for the rest of our journey. When we arrived in Madrid, I was so preoccupied with my fluttering heart that I didn't have time to focus on my memories or the date on the calendar.
Our apartment was smack dab in the middle of the city, the top floor of an impressively renovated period building. There was a rooftop garden that boasted a stunning view over the city as well as a state-of-the-art hot tub.
Since it was late and the group had an early start in the morning, we all hit the hay pretty much as soon as we got in.
I'd just settled into bed when my phone buzzed.
_Trev: I can't stop thinking about you._
My pulse thrummed in my ears. He was just down the hall. I could go to him if I wanted, but then again, he was sharing a room with Callum. There were too many people in the apartment and nowhere to go for privacy. My phone buzzed with another message.
_Trev: I need you._
_Trev: Come meet me on the roof._
I stilled, having forgotten about the roof. And the hot tub. Should I go? The rooftop garden would afford us some privacy, but was that what I wanted? Once we took this next step there was no going back. Hell, there was already no going back, but having sex would seal it. I'd be lost to him, no hope of clawing my way back to reality.
_Reya: I can't._
_Trev: You can. I just want to hold you. That's all._
I huffed a laugh at his blatant lie while my phone vibrated in my hand.
_Trev: Also, I found champagne and strawberries in the fridge ;-)_
_Trev: Okay, I tell a fib. I made Neil go out to get them._
_Reya: I can't believe you made him do that. It's eleven o'clock at night._
_Trev: Hey! It's his job._
I put my phone down and glanced across the room. Leanne was fast asleep in her bed, only a thin sheet covering her body. I pulled up my suitcase and rummaged through for a cardigan, since it might be chilly up on the roof. I really needed to find time to do laundry tomorrow, because most of my clothes were too dirty to wear.
Eventually, I found a long navy cardigan. Pulling it on, I quietly crept from the room. I climbed the stairs that led to the roof and found Trev sitting on a large patio sofa. He looked out at the view of the city, full of twinkling lights and pointy rooftops. I stood there for a long moment, just watching him.
My heart felt too full. I loved him so much it made my entire body ache. Shouldn't love be more pleasurable? Shouldn't it fill you with a sense of joyous hope and possibility? Because this felt more like addiction. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was too scarred by past experiences to realise that something good was happening, that Trev and I were entering a new era in our relationship.
"Hey," I finally greeted, and he turned around with a heart-stopping smile, flashing those dimples that I loved. The champagne chilled in a bucket of ice, a carton of strawberries next to it. Behind me, I could hear the hot tub bubbling away. The entire scene was so cheesy it was almost romantic.
"So, you're Hugh Hefner now?"
Trev chuckled. "If I were Hugh Hefner, I'd be wearing pyjamas and a housecoat."
A laugh escaped me as I wrapped my arms around myself. "Don't forget the captain's hat." I paused, furrowing my brow. "Why does he always wear pyjamas anyway?"
Trev looked at me like it was obvious. "Because he either just got done banging a blonde with fake tits, or he's _about_ to bang a blonde with fake tits."
My lips twitched in a smile. "Ah, now it makes sense."
Trev's features warmed. "You're too far away. Come here." There was a sexy glint in his eyes that was hard to resist, but I managed to hold my ground.
"I'm still deciding if I want to enter this particular saloon."
He feigned a look of offence. "I'll have you know I run a fine establishment. Hardly any prostitutes."
A chuckle escaped me. "Oh well, in that case."
"Reya, just get your sexy fucking arse over here."
I swallowed at the inviting cadence in his voice and stepped a little farther onto the roof. I walked around the hot tub as steam rose out of the water. Down on the street, people socialised outside pubs and late-night restaurants, but their sounds were muted, distant. I picked the champagne bottle up out of the ice bucket. A splash of water hit my bare foot as I held it to the light to read the label. "I've been had. This is Prosecco."
Trev shrugged. "Same thing."
I mock gasped. "Don't say that to the French. It'll be off with your head."
He laughed, a deep, intimate sound, and reached out to take my hand. Pulling me down to sit next to him, he grabbed the two glasses and popped open the bottle. I watched the bubbles rise to the top as he handed me a flute. I lifted it in the air.
"What shall we toast?"
Trev winked. "Us, of course."
"To us," I declared. "A pair of English ragamuffins who somehow found their way to a rooftop garden in Madrid."
"To us," Trev echoed, and we clinked our glasses together. His gaze darkened as he watched me take a sip, the crescent moon glowing against the night sky.
Trev bent over to grab a strawberry. He held it just shy of my lips. I scrunched up my nose. "Don't even think about trying to feed me."
His eyes sparkled with devilment. "Play along, Reyrey, and I'll make it worth your while."
"If making it worth my while has anything to do with that hot tub you can think again. I didn't bring a swimsuit."
"That makes no matter," he tutted.
"Oh, yes it does. I'm not getting in there with you."
Again with the dimples. "We'll see."
I didn't bother arguing with him, because it'd only be a losing battle. Trev was the kind of person who had an answer for everything. If he wasn't a professional free runner he would've made an excellent politician. Quiet fell between us as we sipped our drinks and enjoyed the view. My mind wandered back to the train journey and the incident with Callum and the little girl.
"What was Callum so upset about today? He barely spoke a word after that kid came up to him."
Trev was silent for a long while, so long I wondered if he heard my question. I was still trying to understand Callum. He was the one member of the group that I just couldn't seem to get a fix on.
When Trev finally spoke, his voice was subdued. "Around midway through the filming of our first season, Callum and Leanne started sleeping together."
"Oh," I said, though I wasn't surprised by the news. It was obvious something romantic had gone on between them. I lifted the glass to my mouth for another sip. It was surprisingly good considering Neil must've gotten it from some late-night off-licence.
"It was pretty intense between the two of them, but they managed to keep things secret from the rest of us. Then we were filming down at the docks one day. It was dangerous, and though it was nothing we weren't used to, Leanne took a fall and was badly hurt."
I frowned, not remembering any of this from the show. I'd watched every episode and I definitely didn't recall any featuring the London docklands.
Trev frowned, like the memory was still fresh. "We all panicked when we saw the blood. An ambulance came and she was rushed to the hospital. It turned out she was three months pregnant. She lost the baby."
My gasp was so loud you could've heard it down on the street. Whatever I'd been expecting Trev to say, it wasn't that. I felt acute sorrow and hurt for Leanne, but then I thought of Callum and how freaked he was about that little girl.
"They never found out the sex of the baby, but for some reason Cal's always thought of her as a she. It's hard for him to be around little kids. It's too much of a reminder of what he lost."
"Oh my goodness, Trev. That's so awful," I said sadly. "They never put any of it on the show though, right?"
Trev shook his head. "Believe or not, they wanted to, but Cal threw a fit. He said if they used a single second of the footage from that day he'd quit. We all got the behind him, so they didn't have a choice. If we all quit, they'd have no show."
Wow. That was certainly brave of them, especially considering the show hadn't gone to air yet. They didn't have an audience or fans, no clout whatsoever, but they still stood as a united front.
Trev shifted closer and draped his arm around my shoulders. "I know Cal can come across like spoiled brat sometimes, but like I said before, he has his reasons."
"Yeah, I can see that now," I breathed, viewing his behaviour in a whole new light.
Now I understood the constant tension between him and Leanne, the heightened emotions and thinly veiled resentment. Still, it was bizarre to think that the loss affected Callum more than it did Leanne. At least, outwardly it did. She could be feeling all sorts of things on the inside.
Trev seemed to read my thoughts when he said, "Cal grew up without a dad. All his life he's been adamant that if he ever had a child, he wouldn't abandon it like his dad did to him. Then the chance to be a father was snatched away from him before he even knew he had it."
"I feel so awful for him," I said, though at the same time I still didn't understand why he was so brazen in parading women in front of Leanne. In taunting her. She did tell me once how she rejected his advances. Perhaps that was his misguided way of getting back at her for it.
Trev nodded and knocked back a swig of Prosecco. "Life is pretty fucking shitty sometimes."
"My heart literally aches for them both," I said, bringing my hand to my chest and rubbing.
Trev's expression softened, his eyes journeying over my face. "We all have our crosses to bear."
His serious expression and empathic tone indicated where his thoughts had wandered. He was thinking of what happened to me, my own traumatic experience.
My posture stiffened. "It's different for me though. I'm not still living the trauma. It might've happened over a year ago, but Callum and Leanne are still very much embroiled in their tragedy." Seeing one another each day was a constant reminder.
Trev's gaze turned perceptive. "Sometimes I really am in awe of how together you are. I don't know how you do it."
I looked away, self-conscious. When I spoke, my voice was quiet. "Karla was a big help. I was still a mess when she came along, a lot like Callum and Leanne. But then she urged me to learn self-defence and seek counselling. Her friendship changed my life."
"My big sis is pretty fucking special, isn't she?"
I nodded. "If it weren't for her, I'm not sure where I'd be today."
He levelled me with a sincere look, and I was a little taken aback by the ferocity in his eyes. "If it weren't for her, we never would've met. I should buy her a frickin' Lamborghini."
I laughed but then my smile faded when Trev reached out and tugged my cardigan down over my shoulder to reveal my thin tank top beneath. He ran a finger over my collarbone and I shivered at his touch. He splayed his hand against my sternum, tilting his head as though studying a work of art. "Our skin looks so good together."
I felt aroused by the simple touch. Trev nodded to the hot tub, his voice a seductive, husky lull. "Let's get in."
I shook my head as he stood from the sofa and started taking off his clothes. "We don't have the proper . . . attire," I croaked, watching as he carefully unbuckled his belt.
"You already said that," he replied darkly.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. "People might see us."
His eyes glinted wickedly in the dark. "We're too high up. Nobody will see. Come on, Reyrey. Be brave with me."
I didn't say anything then, only watched as he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into the tub, carefully ensuring his casted arm didn't get in the water. His gaze caught mine as he seductively crooned, "The water's perfect."
I let out a nervous chuckle and approached the tub. Trev's attention never left me as I warily eyed the water, my hands going to the hem of my cardigan.
"You promise not to laugh?"
"Why would I laugh?"
"My underwear doesn't match," I confessed.
He levelled me with an arch look. "Reya, we've been on the road for two weeks. We're all wearing mismatched underwear at this point."
I scrunched up my nose. "That doesn't even make sense." Men didn't have anything to match up.
He only grinned, showing teeth. I slowly tugged off my cardigan, then lifted the tank top over my head to reveal my leopard print and black lace bra. Trev watched my every move as I lowered my trousers down over my hips until I stood in nothing but my bra and bright blue knickers.
His grin widened as he took me in, then his gaze heated. "You're the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen."
His compliment made me feel just that; sexy, powerful, like some kind of Bond Girl or a Victoria's Secret model. Fierce and completely in control of my sex appeal.
Trev's eyes wandered up my legs, grazing my stomach before coming to rest on my cleavage. I stepped up to the edge of the tub and experimentally dipped a toe in. The water was deliciously warm. Throwing caution to the wind, I bit the bullet and climbed in, though I kept to the opposite side of the tub. Trev's gaze glinted sinfully, like my distance was a challenge he'd happily accept.
The bubbles fizzled up, massaging all the day's travel and stress from my muscles and bones. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, enjoying the pleasurable sensation. I inhaled a deep breath and savoured the moment, then gasped when I felt a mouth on my neck.
"Couldn't help myself," Trev murmured as he bit and licked. "You're like a gift just sitting here."
I moaned when he sucked my earlobe into his mouth, his hand coming up to massage my breast. With his cast out of the water, I was almost mournful that his other hand couldn't join in. If he could turn me on so much with only one, imagine what he could do with two. Well actually, I knew exactly how good he was with two.
Artfully, he reached around to unclip my bra, tossing it over onto the sofa before lowering his face to my breasts. He mouthed one and then the other, before he brought his lips to my nipple and sucked hard. He gave it a little nip and I let out a sharp cry of pleasure.
Trev smiled around my nipple. I stared down and met his gaze, those blue eyes of his twinkling with sexy mischief. I arched my back and he tongued my nipple with this amazing fluttering technique, while his hand massaged my other breast.
I grabbed for him through the water, finding the elastic of his boxers and slipping my hand inside to grab his cock. He groaned loudly when I palmed him, his tongue quickening on my nipple. I jerked him slowly while his hand slid inside my knickers, his fingers plunging straight into me.
I gasped and tugged him harder. He grunted, pumping faster with his fingers. When my hand slid lower to cup his balls, he let out a low string of swearwords and seconds later he lifted me from the tub. I had no idea how he did that with one arm, but before I knew it I was lying flat on the sofa as Trev divested me of my knickers and practically tore off his boxers.
He rifled through his jeans for his wallet and produced a shiny foil packet. He met my gaze as he rolled on the condom and I lay there, a horny, wet mess, barely able to hold back my anticipation. It had been a year, yes, but this was Trev. Sex with him was stratospheres away from sex with anyone else.
"Christ, I'm gonna fucking come just looking out you," he rasped and climbed between my legs.
His cock nudged against me as I dropped my head into the pillow and closed my eyes. Trev kissed my temples, cheeks, nose, mouth and jaw as he positioned himself at my entrance. He held himself up with one arm and breathed, "Open your eyes."
I opened them and he pushed inside, his thick length filling me up.
I pulled his mouth to mine in a wet, erotic kiss, our tongues melding, as he started to thrust in and out. His passionate groans drove me wild as he wrapped his arm around my waist and impressively flipped us so I was on top. A brief, flickering moment of self-consciousness hit me but then I saw him staring up at me with love and tenderness in his gaze and it melted away.
He massaged my breast as I started to ride him. Trev gripped my hand and brought our interlaced fingers over his heart. He gazed at me with such fervour I almost came apart.
"You're a goddess. I love you. I'll never stop loving you." _It felt like a vow._
His passion overwhelmed me. I felt so full—full of the fiercest, most irrational, divine affection and love for him. I squeezed his hand clutching mine, my heart practically pounding its way out of my chest when I replied, "I l-love you, too."
Trev's eyes blazed like an inferno as soon as the words left my mouth. I'd never felt so vulnerable and so complete at the same time. I'd thought saying I loved him would imprison me, but instead it set me free. Every pore in my body came alive. It wasn't just how I felt, but it was seeing how my love made him feel in return. I'd never seen him look so happy, so accepted. It was like he'd been waiting his whole life just to hear me say I loved him back.
I let out a shaky, pleasure-filled moan as his gaze held me captive, never once letting go of my hand. With only the moon and the stars above us, we drove our bodies to a pleasure so high I never wanted to come back down.
# Twenty-Five.
When I woke up the next morning, my muscles felt sore in the most wonderful way. The sun shone on the roof garden, where we lay wrapped in a thin blanket. Last night Trev was punishing in how he took me. I didn't think there was single part of my body he hadn't sampled with his lips, teeth and tongue.
His hand stroked my belly as we lay tangled together.
"Spend the day with me," he murmured.
"Don't you have to be on set?"
"I do. But only to supervise. They can do without me for one day."
"I'm not sure Barry will see it like that."
"He'll just have to."
"Neil will probably need my help."
"Neil's a powerhouse. He'll make do."
At this I shifted to smile at him. "You really are determined for us to spend the day together."
His expression was full of tenderness. "Last night you told me you loved me. That's not something I'm going to forget any time soon. So sue me if I want you to myself for a little while."
The way he spoke made me feel all warm and mushy inside. I stroked his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I do love you. And I'm sorry it took me until now to say it."
"Don't apologise," he murmured. "I'm happy."
We stayed like that for a few minutes, sharing sweet kisses and lingering touches. When I finally managed to drag myself away from him I went to gather my clothes. Trev remained on the sofa, watching me with affection as I dressed. It was still early, but I didn't want to take the chance of anyone coming up here.
"You should probably put something on, too," I suggested, but he only shot me a lazy grin.
"I think you prefer me like this."
I picked up a pillow and threw it at his face.
When we made our way downstairs, Trev had thankfully decided to put some clothes on. And I say thankfully because everybody was gathered in the kitchen eating breakfast. And when I say everybody, I mean _everybody_. Even Isaac had come over for a bite to eat. I stood frozen as Paul whistled and Callum howled loudly while the others chuckled their amusement. I was so embarrassed I hurried straight to my room, though I still heard James telling them all to grow up.
He was right. Sometimes it was like sharing an apartment with a bunch of teenagers. Trev didn't have a shy bone in his body of course. He came and stood in the doorway to my room, arms folded and looking decidedly pleased with himself when he said, "I think I'll rent a car so we can take a drive. Go off the beaten track. It's been too long since I've been behind the wheel. I'm having withdrawals."
I grinned at that, because like the rest of his brothers, driving was almost as essential as breathing to Trev. "Sure," I nodded. "Sounds like fun."
He came and gave me a hot, languorous kiss before he left me to get ready. I showered, then found my last clean item of clothing. It was a light blue tea dress with little clouds printed on. I picked it up a couple months ago at a cutesy vintage style boutique back home. I rarely wore it because it showed a little too much cleavage, however, the skirt went over my knees, so it wasn't too revealing. I paired it with some ballet flats then dragged my suitcase out to the laundry room to shove all my dirty clothes in the wash.
The group had already left for the day when Trev emerged from his room wearing a navy blue shirt and some beige chinos, Ray Bans perched atop his head. He looked effortlessly stylish and sexy and already I wanted to drag him back to bed. Or the roof. Whatever.
He eyed me like I was a particularly tempting slice of pie, then asked, "Why have I never seen that dress before?"
I ran my hands over the fabric, feeling on display as I shrugged. "I don't wear it often."
Trev's voice was vehement. "Well, you _should_."
His little inflection made my pores tighten and I distracted myself by going to check the messages on my phone. When I went to apologise to Neil that I wouldn't be around today, he waved me off saying Trev already filled him in. I told him I was sorry and that if he wanted to take the day off tomorrow I'd cover for him, which he happily agreed to.
Trev rented a sports car and I smiled as we sailed down the road, windows open, breeze in my hair. He'd taken me to eat breakfast at a lovely outdoor café and now we were going to explore the city and its outskirts. It was Trev's idea but I was happy to go with the flow. So long as I got to spend the day with him I didn't mind what we did. However, when the area started to become familiar, I grew tense. Trev stared dead ahead, his hand a little too tight on the steering wheel.
"W-where are we going?" I asked, my chest constricting.
Trev blew out a slow breath. "Don't hate me."
Now I became even more apprehensive. "Why would I hate you?"
He flicked his gaze to mine, both determination and apology all in one. I huffed a loud, panicked breath and folded my arms across my chest. We'd been having the most wonderful morning. Why would he try to ruin it like this?
"I'm sacrificing myself for the greater good."
"This is not the greater good, Trev. I know you think it is, but it isn't. I want to go back to the apartment."
"Just hear me out."
I barked a hysterical laugh. "What reasoning could you possibly make? You're driving me to my aunt's house. It's the middle of July. You know my entire family is going to be there."
At once I regretted all those hours I'd spent telling him about my summers in Madrid. He knew every detail, from the names of my cousins to my aunt's address and the church where we attended mass on Sundays.
I felt my throat constrict when Trev blurted, "An email isn't enough."
I glared at him. "What are you talking about?"
"You said you sent your sister an email but she never responded. Emails are too easy to ignore. She needs to see you in person. She needs to know you're a real, living, breathing human who feels pain, because otherwise she'll never reach out. It's like a sniper, or someone controlling a remotely operated drone. It's easy not to feel bad about the people you're killing, because you're miles, if not whole countries away. The distance creates comfort. If your sister sees the pain in your eyes, if you tell her about all the hardship you've endured, then she'll want to be in your life. And if she doesn't, then she's not worth the heartache anyway."
I stared at him, because he'd obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this. I was touched, but I was also angry. He had no right to lay this on me, no right to interfere, to trap me.
By the time I looked back out the window, Trev had pulled to a stop on a suburban residential street. We were a couple of houses down from my aunt's place. The familiar pink hibiscus bushes in the front garden made my chest ache.
"What are you expecting me to do here, Trev? They aren't going to welcome me with open arms. If they see me, my parents will be furious."
"I could give a fuck about your parents. As far as I'm concerned, they can go jump off the edge of a cliff. I want you to talk to your sister, and maybe your brother. Not the dick one who sold you out, but the other one. You don't think I see it, Reya, but I do. I can see your heart bleeding for them. You want them in your life."
"It's not that easy," I whispered as tears sprung to my eyes.
We sat in silence then. I stared at the house with its terracotta bricks, the sun beating down on the roof, and happy childhood memories flooded me. I couldn't tell if I was angry at Trev for bringing me here, or grateful for the chance to see it again, because this place was a part of me. If it weren't for him taking this risk, I might never have come back.
A long time went by as we just sat in the car, the air conditioning on full blast. Without thinking I brought my hand to the door handle and pushed it open. I stepped out into the midday heat and sweat instantly dotted my forehead. My hair was always somewhat untameable, but today the humidity made it impossibly curly.
Trev didn't follow. Instead he stayed in the car and watched as I walked down the street. Glancing at the neighbouring houses, I was amazed at how little they'd changed. The last time I was here I was seventeen. That was almost a decade ago, but still, it felt like longer. It felt like another life. It was strange seeing it through the eyes of an adult. I'd changed. Grown older. But this place had remained the same.
Birds chirped and somebody's dog barked from one of the gardens. I bent to breathe in the pleasant scent of a flower bush when I heard a shocked voice utter my name.
"Reya?"
I froze in place, then straightened back up and slowly turned around. My sister, Paula, stood in my aunt's garden, a cup of coffee in hand. She stared at me, her expression full of shock. Neither one of us knew what to say, but finally I found my voice.
"Paula, I—"
_"¿Qué carajos crees que estás haciendo aquí?"_
My mother came barrelling out of the house like a hurricane. She was only a small woman, but right then she held all the fury of a sumo wrestler about to take down an opponent.
My sister turned to her. "Mamá, don't."
My mother didn't even glance her way. Instead she came hurtling toward me, her features drawn in temper. In the distance, I heard a car door open and shut, then footsteps approach I was sure belonged to Trev. He didn't come too close, but I sensed his presence near, watching out for me.
A man who lived in the house next to my aunt's came outside to water his plants and my mother shot a disgruntled look his way. She switched to English. God forbid he understand what she said as she tore her estranged daughter a new one.
"Go now, before your father sees you. You're not welcome here."
I swallowed and stood firm, meeting her livid gaze. "I'm here to see Paula and Samuel."
"Well, they don't want to see you, so leave," she spat, disdain dripping from every word. You'd swear I was some junkie who'd come knocking on her door looking for money for a fix.
I glanced at Paula, willing her to stick up for me, but she didn't breathe a word.
For a second I wanted to wither away, roll up into a ball of pain and hurt and leave this place. But then I remembered how much she didn't matter. I remembered what a flawed, fearful, awful person my mother was and I drew strength from that.
I was far from perfect, but I was a good person. I wasn't a liar like she wanted to believe. I had nothing to hide, whereas her whole life revolved around hiding things, creating a falsely perfect façade for people to see.
I met her stare head on. "I'm not leaving until I talk to Paula. Alone."
My mother's eyes narrowed to slits and then she brought her attention to my sister. "Do you want to talk to her?"
There was a long, agonising pause as Paula bit her lip. Her face showed frustration, but also fear. In the end her eyes came to mine for a brief second, full of apology as she whispered, "No, I don't."
My chest deflated at her simple rejection. Would she have given me a chance if my mother hadn't come storming out? Not for the first time that day, tears pricked at my eyes. The door swung open and my brother Lucas stepped out, followed by my dad and my other brother, Samuel. Lucas's wife came out, too, completing the audience for my humiliation and rejection. It wasn't enough for them to do this to me once; they had to push me away a second time, too.
Not allowing myself to show any signs of weakness, I sucked back the tears and stood my ground. I met each of their eyes once, then said, "I was the victim. I didn't lie. You will never see how truly awful you are, but God sees it all, and that's something you can never escape."
With that I turned and walked away. Trev stood just a few yards from me, his expression fierce. When I reached him, he took my hand and together we walked back to the car. I knew it was a low blow to throw God at them, but that was the only comparison they knew. It was the only way to really make a point with a family like mine. They always considered themselves so devout, so holy, but deep down they had to know it was a lie. And maybe, just maybe, on some bleak, lonely night they'd remember my words and realise their wrongdoing.
I was silent as I climbed into the passenger seat. Trev started the engine but didn't say anything as we pulled away. It took a few minutes, but I finally let the tears flow. A strangled cry of pain escaped me as I dropped my face into my hands. Sobs wracked my body and Trev reached out to squeeze my knee in comfort. I immediately pushed his hand away and shifted as close to the other side of the car as I could get.
I understood he was coming from a place of concern, but he never should've driven me here. He never should've gotten involved. _I wasn't ready._
"Reya," he whispered, glancing at me and then back to the road. "Please don't shut me out."
"Leave me alone," I croaked, turning my head from him.
He exhaled a gruff breath. "I don't want to leave you alone. I want you to talk to me."
"I've just been humiliated!" I snapped. "I don't care if you want to talk. _I_ don't. So just shut the fuck up for once in your life."
Trev seemed taken aback by my outburst. His throat bobbed and his jaw ticked as he returned his attention to the road. His hand reflexively tightened and loosened on the steering wheel. A few minutes of silence elapsed before he spoke again, his voice quiet, but with an under layer of steel.
"Do you have any idea how helpless I feel when I think about what happened to you? I think about that evil fucker and I know I can't even get to him. I want to beat the living daylights out of him, until he's so disfigured he can never touch another girl again."
My voice was small when I replied, "What about me, Trev? I was the one it happened to. I'm the one who has to remember. You're only pouring vinegar on the wound by bringing me to my family."
He didn't speak for a long time, then ran a hand down his face before settling it back on the steering wheel. "I just thought if I could help you find some resolution with your brother and sister, then maybe you'd feel better. At least that way I would've done _something_."
"I told you so many times it was a lost cause. You should've listened to me."
He didn't have any response for that, because he stayed quiet. We didn't talk the entire way back to the apartment. Trev parked on the street outside the building and I dove from the car. Instead of going inside, I headed down the street. He called after me but I didn't respond.
If I went inside that apartment I'd be trapped with him, and I needed some time alone to lick my wounds. I'd been doing so well not thinking of my family, but now every single face was in my head, staring at me, some with pity, others with disgust. _Mostly disgust. How could they? How could they judge me so harshly? How could they claim to love me then turn their backs with scorn and contempt?_
_I was the victim._
I stepped inside a café, relieved Trev hadn't decided to follow me, and ordered a coffee and a sandwich. It sat untouched on the table as I stared out the window, vacantly watching people going to and fro. I had no idea how long I'd been sitting there when the waitress came and asked if everything was all right. I nodded silently, slipped her some euros and left.
After that I walked for miles. I was familiar enough with the city not to get lost, and after spending my days cooped up with six other people, I was feeling a little suffocated.
It was evening when I finally returned to the apartment. Everyone was there, relaxing after a long day of filming. They barely noticed me come in and I went straight to my room. It only took a minute before my door flung open and Trev barrelled in.
"Reya, I've been so fucking worried about you," he said, striding forward as though to take me in his arms but I stepped aside.
"I'm fine. Just needed some time to clear my head."
His eyes shone with remorse. "I'm so sorry about today. You were right. I shouldn't have brought you there."
I held up a hand. "Look, what's done is done. I need to go put my clothes in the dryer."
I walked past him, but he followed me to the laundry room. I knelt down and started pulling my clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into the dryer. Trev stood by the door, arms folded, face probably like a sad puppy.
I wasn't holding what he did against him, because I knew his heart was in the right place, but I also wasn't ready to go back to being loved up just yet. He needed to know that he couldn't just spring things on me like that. He couldn't meddle in my family situation, or lack thereof, without warning me. That wasn't the relationship I wanted. It reminded me of what his doctor had said to him about the id _. "The id wants instant gratification rather than to work for a certain result."_ Perhaps Trevor would always struggle with that.
I could see that today _was_ the only day for it. We wouldn't be in Madrid for long and we'd both be busy from tomorrow on. Still, last night had been a turning point. I woke up this morning feeling different, more free, in _love_ , but then his choice damaged our new start. Forced me to revisit old demons.
When I slammed the door of the dryer shut I could hardly stand the tension anymore. "Look, Trev, I can't talk to you right now. What happened today, it made me feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest all over again and I'm still hurting."
"Let me help—"
"You can't. This is something I need to ride out on my own. Just . . . give me time."
Trev's eyes flickered back and forth between mine and he looked afraid. I turned around and started pressing buttons on the dryer. A second later two arms wrapped around me tight, knocking the air from my lungs. I froze as Trev hugged me like his life depended on it and my heart did a quick, hard thump in my chest. He buried his face in my hair and murmured, "I'm sorry. I'll never do anything like that ever again. I love you."
Almost as quick as he caught me in his hug, he let go, turned around, and left the room. I slumped back onto the dryer as it rumbled to life and blew out a long breath. Every year I mourned July. Mourned the loss of family and the hatred they felt for me. But being _in_ Madrid, being amongst Spanish-speaking people, the language _of_ my family, and then being cast aside again, my heart just wasn't capable of healing so easily.
The pain burned, as if it was searing an irreparable hole in my heart. Perhaps when I agreed to take this job, I should have guessed that Madrid would be the hardest part of the trip. I never imagined the minefield it would turn out to be, nor the multitude of see-sawing emotions I'd experience along the way.
# Twenty-Six.
When I returned to my room, Leanne sat on her bed talking on the phone. I went to check my own phone for any messages or missed calls, my fingers brushing a folded piece of paper in the process. It was the list of Escrima classes Karla put together for me. Unfolding the paper, I scanned down the list and saw there was a class in Madrid tonight.
With my mind made up, I threw on some yoga pants and a T-shirt and headed out. By the time the class finished I felt a million times better, and I scolded myself for not checking out that list sooner. Practicing always had a way of making me feel in control again.
The following morning the group were filming at _El Retiro_ , a gorgeous public park in the middle of the city. It boasted a large, manmade pond where people could rent boats and go paddling. I was busy procuring two such boats, because Barry wanted to get some shots of the group in the pond to add to the episode. I watched from the sideline as Trev, Callum and Paul took one boat, while Leanne, James and Isaac took the other.
When they were done filming at the pond Barry called for a break, and I handed out soft drinks and sandwiches. When I sat down on a step to eat my own, a shadow fell over me. Glancing to the side, I saw Trev looking at me with a hesitant expression.
"Can I sit?"
I gave him a warm smile and waved a hand at the space beside me. Somehow, my feelings weren't as raw as they were yesterday. Having the night to digest everything and mentally move forward had helped. I knew his heart had been in the right place, even if it did turn out to be a clusterfuck. And I still loved him. That hadn't changed. "Go ahead."
He sat and there was a moment of quiet before he spoke. "This place is pretty cool, huh?"
I swallowed a bite of my sandwich and nodded. "Yeah, I took a little look around the gardens earlier. They're really beautiful."
"You're beautiful," Trev blurted, like he couldn't hold back the words. His expression was so full of adoration that my chest felt too tight.
I flushed and tucked some hair behind my ear. He watched the movement with rapt attention, his bright eyes translucent in the midday sun. "Thanks," I replied, my voice a little breathy.
Trev glanced back over at the pond, where tourists rowed boats through the water. When he returned his attention to me his voice was tender. "You've got a gig tonight, don't you?"
"Yes, you can come if you like," I said, hopeful. Before I'd always been wary of him coming to see me play, but now I wanted it. I felt like after yesterday, we needed to reconnect. Maybe I could finish that song I started writing for him.
His expression was regretful. "I promised Isaac we'd go for a run, but I can cancel—"
"No, don't do that. It was just a thought."
Trev's face brightened then, like he just remembered something, "I completely forgot to tell you, Karla and Lee are coming to see us when we hit up Barcelona. Alexis and King, too. Lee and King have been planning the surprise for a while."
"Really?" I exclaimed at the news. It seriously cheered my spirits to know I was going to see my friends. I'd especially missed Karla. She was the person I always spoke my feelings to, so it made me happy to know I'd be seeing her sooner than I thought. "That's great. I can't wait."
Trev's eyes crinkled in an affectionate smile. "Yeah, I thought so. Apparently, King and Alexis have some friends performing at a circus there, so they're killing two birds with one stone."
I nodded. "Right, yeah. Alexis told me about that place. King's older sister is like the ringmaster or something."
Trev's brows shot up at that. "No shit? Now I definitely need to tag along."
I chuckled. "Yeah, he actually travelled with her for a couple years."
"You learn something new every day," said Trev, just as Barry's assistant came to say the director needed him for the next shot. He surprised me when he pressed a soft, loving kiss to my lips then went to get back to work.
I ate a bite of my sandwich and noticed Callum standing nearby, casting me side glances as though waiting to be invited over. I smiled, wondering what he was after, and called out, "Want to join me, Cal?"
He pulled off his sunglasses and nodded, all casual. "Oh yeah, sure. Didn't see you there."
I shot him a funny look as he took the step just below mine. "This place is gorgeous."
"It is. You should've come out on the boats with us. Paul was freaked by the water because he can't swim."
I was sure my expression showed surprise. "He can jump between buildings but he can't swim? That's crazy."
Callum chuckled. "He kept thinking he was gonna fall into the pond."
"And I bet you teased him relentlessly for it."
"Hey, I'm not a complete arsehole," he said, defending himself then winked. "I only teased a little."
My expression sobered as I studied him. "That's not how I think of you, you know."
He arched a brow. "No?"
"Well, not anymore," I allowed.
"What changed?"
I shrugged, not about to get into everything Trev had divulged. "I dunno. I guess after a while you start to see people clearer."
Callum stared at me for a minute, then slid his sunglasses back on. He cleared his throat as he asked, "So, uh, does Leanne ever talk to you about me?"
I held back a smirk. Was he fishing for info? "Not really."
His lips flattened in a frown. "Oh."
"You sound disappointed."
"Just thought you could give me some insight."
"Into?"
"How she's feeling about me these days," he replied and I saw his attention wander across the park to where Leanne was being filmed with Trev and James.
"Ah, I see," I said, shifting in place. "Well, she doesn't really talk to me about personal stuff, so I'm not sure I can help you there."
"I love her, you know," he blurted, his shoulders sagging. I couldn't read his eyes with the dark sunglasses covering them, but judging from the tight line of his jaw I guessed he hadn't exactly meant to say that.
"No, I didn't know," I said softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He flinched ever so slightly, not expecting the contact. "Maybe if you told her..."
His scoff cut me off. "I have told her. She doesn't believe me."
I paused for a second, thinking that sounded about right. If I were Leanne, I probably wouldn't believe him either. "Maybe it's not about telling, but more about _showing_. If you want her to know you love her, you have to start acting differently. And you definitely have to stop flaunting random hook-ups in her face."
"I haven't done that since Brussels."
I chuckled. "Brussels was only two weeks ago. You'll have to stick it out longer than that. Show her you're trustworthy. Sometimes you can portray love with actions far more ways than with words."
He looked like he was thinking about what I said. I ate the last few bites of my sandwich as we sat in silence. Callum was the one to break it when he said, "I feel awful about what happened in Paris. When I fell."
His candidness took me off guard. I swallowed and tried to reassure him. "At least no serious harm was done."
"Yeah well, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. It can't have been easy for you seeing Trev fall."
My throat constricted as I remembered the fear. "No, it's wasn't."
"I wasn't myself that day."
"Like I said, no harm, no foul."
"Cal! Come on, we need everyone for this next shot," Trev called, looking surprised to see us both sitting together. I shot him a look that said I found it just as weird as he did. Callum wasn't exactly the type to seek others out, and he'd never taken much of an interest in me in general.
He blew out a breath and stood, dusting off his trousers. "Well, good talk. I better get over there."
"Sure. And think about what I said, yeah?" I replied, looking up at him with a kind expression.
He nodded and started making his way across the park. I sat in thought for a little while, wondering if things ever would work out with him and Leanne. There was certainly a lot of feelings there, on both ends, but they were that couple who seemed more inclined to self-destruct than reach an understanding.
A few minutes later my phone rang and I pulled it from my bag, thinking it was Karla calling with the good news about the upcoming trip. But when I looked at the screen I didn't recognise the number. I answered it warily.
"Hello?"
"Reya?"
I sucked in a deep, shocked breath when I recognised the voice. "Paula?"
There was a long silence and I heard a door snick shut. Her voice was hushed when she replied, "Goodness, I'm so sorry about yesterday. You came all this way and how Mamá spoke to you . . ." She drifted off and every muscle in my body tightened. This was the first time we'd talked in years and it felt surreal.
"I didn't come all this way just for you. I've been travelling and happened to be in Madrid . . ."
"Oh," Paula breathed. "Well, again, I truly feel awful. There's just no making her see sense sometimes."
I scoffed at that. "Have you ever tried? I swear, Paula, you're so scared of our parents they might as well be a pair of _culebre._ "
Her voice was remorseful. "You know what they're like."
"They're weak," I spat. "And you're even weaker for letting them rule your life. When Mamá asked if you wanted to talk to me, I knew you wanted to say yes, but you just told her what she wanted to hear."
It suddenly struck me that I was glad to be the outcast. If I could choose between my life and Paula's, even with all the suffering I'd endured, I'd still choose my own every time. The thought was oddly liberating. I never wanted to be the kind of daughter it took to keep my parents happy. I'd rather be free and have no family, than have them and be shackled.
"That's why I'm calling you now, to make up for it. Samuel feels awful about the whole thing, too," Paula replied. _Wow, was she finally growing a backbone?_ Then I remembered the sound of the door closing and mentally rolled my eyes.
"So you're not hiding behind a closed door whispering in case anybody hears you?" I challenged.
I knew I was talking too loud when a couple crewmembers eating lunch a few yards away shot me curious looks. Paula didn't say anything, but I could hear her anxious breathing on the other end of the line.
I decided there was no point arguing. After all, I'd wanted this for years. I wanted her to get in touch, even though I found her lack of courage, her inability to stand up for what was right, deeply abhorrent. "Look, I'm playing a gig at _La Cortina_ tonight. If you really want to talk, come see me play."
"I'm not sure if I—"
"Paula, either come or don't, but this is the only chance you're going to get."
With that I hung up, my heart pounding wildly in my chest. I talked a good talk, but deep down I hoped like hell she came. I wanted to know my sister again, even if she was a coward when it came to our parents. Maybe I could teach her how to branch out on her own.
Across the way, I saw the group had started filming again. Isaac climbed to the top of a streetlamp then spun effortlessly to the ground. I smiled, thinking of how far he'd come in such little time. I'd eat my hat if Barry didn't offer him a full-time part on the show next season. He was young, handsome, a skilled free runner, not to mention he had the most amazing accent. They'd be fools not to take him on. Plus, everyone in the group seemed to love him.
For the rest of the day I barely ate a thing. I couldn't stop fretting about Paula and whether she was going to come to my gig. On stage at the small club where I was playing, I sat down at my keyboard and clumsily worked my way through each song, messing up so many times I was surprised the manager didn't kick me out. I couldn't take my eyes off the entrance all through my set, anxious to see Paula walk through.
But she never showed.
I'd resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't coming when I introduced my final song of the night. I closed my eyes and played so softly, you'd swear I was trying to imitate a feather hitting the piano keys. Then something tugged at my senses. I felt someone's attention and opened my eyes to see both Paula and my brother, Samuel, standing just inside the venue. They saw me sing and play piano on countless occasions growing up, but now they looked at me like it was the first time. _In awe._
I sang louder. I closed my eyes and played better than ever. I sang like it was the last time I would. I wanted them to see that this was me. This was the sister they'd shunned, the one they'd left out in the cold, called a liar, made feel worthless. _Guilty._
I opened my eyes, refusing to close them any longer. Trev was right. I closed my eyes in shame, feeling I was doing something wrong. Now? I refused to feel that way anymore. I refused to hide. I refused to let my family believe I didn't exist.
Paula and Samuel took seats at a table just a few feet from the stage. When I finished my set, I thanked the audience and stepped down to join them. Both stood when I approached, but I gestured for them to sit back down as I took a seat on the other side of the table.
"You came," I said, still having a hard time believing they were here, not just Paula, but Samuel, too.
"Yes, we wanted to come. Both of us," said Paula, her hands fidgeting nervously in her lap.
"I'm so sorry about yesterday," Samuel added. "It was a surprise for all of us when you showed up."
I arched a brow. "I bet."
"You sang wonderfully just now. I remember you writing your own songs growing up, but seeing you play for an audience was so different. You're very talented," Paula gushed, and I felt a flush of pleasure at the compliment.
"Thank you," I replied quietly.
"Reya," said Samuel, reaching out as though to take my hand. I stiffened and he pulled back. I was happy that they'd come, but that didn't mean I was ready to hold hands. Clearing his throat, he continued, "We want to . . . no, we need to apologise for what you suffered at the hands of our parents. We're ashamed that we stood by and stayed silent. We'd like a chance to make amends, but do understand if you won't accept that. Us."
I sat very still, hardly able to comprehend what I was hearing. For so many years I'd imagined this moment. It felt entirely too surreal that they were here, and I knew it was no small thing. Their presence meant they were taking a stand. It meant they'd finally listened to their consciences and chosen me over our parents' iron fist. A surge of validation ran through me, even if it was eight years too late.
"What about Mamá and Papá?" I asked, needing to address the most pertinent issue. "Do they know you're here?"
Paula and Samuel shared a glance, then Paula answered, "After you ended our phone call today, I confronted them both. I told them I wanted to see you, and needless to say, we fought. Samuel stuck up for me and they eventually said that if we wanted to see you there was nothing they could do to stop us, but they'd never approve of it."
That sounded like my parents all right. "And I bet they pissed their pants when you walked out the door tonight," I said wryly.
Paula covered her mouth as she let out a surprised laugh. She was almost seven years older than me, but she still possessed certain childlike traits because my parents kept her so sheltered. Like, the fact that I just referred to them pissing their pants would be pretty scandalous to her.
Samuel's lips twitched in a smile. "Something like that."
I smiled at both of them. "Well, in that case, let's start getting reacquainted, shall we? I want to see Mamá retire to her fainting couch before the week is through."
We sat at that table for almost two hours talking. I learned that Samuel's wife just gave birth to their third son and Paula was taking a secretarial course in the city. They offered to drive me back to the apartment, and we parted with a promise to stay in touch. Paula and I were even going to go for manicures when we got back to London.
Life was so bloody _weird_.
I strolled into the building on a high, smiling to myself all the while. I'd been so angry at Trev for tricking me into seeing my family, but it turned out he was right. If it weren't for him being selfless and risking our tentative reunion, something he'd obviously yearned for, tonight never would've happened. I never would've made the first step to reconciling with my siblings.
I thought he was being careless, but that couldn't be further from the truth. By taking that risk he might've lost me, but he did it anyway because he cared about me finding peace more than he did his own happiness.
Everybody was asleep when I got in and I quietly crawled into bed. Part of me was disappointed I couldn't share my joy with Trev, but I didn't want to wake him up.
The following day we travelled to Barcelona, the final destination of our three-week stint. Everything was a crazy rush, so I didn't get a chance to speak with Trev and tell him the good news. The train was at full capacity so Neil and I had to take seats on a separate carriage to everyone else.
Almost as soon as we arrived in the city the group started filming. We made our way to Park Güell, with its crazy, surreal explosion of colour and unusual shapes. I'd seen it in pictures and films, but being there in real life felt like I'd fallen asleep and woken up in a sunny dreamland.
There were so many places for the group to run and show off, and I felt a little sorry for Trev because he couldn't take full advantage due to his wrist. I watched from the sideline, leaning over the edge of a mosaic wall, as he gestured with his good hand, explaining to Isaac how he wanted him to climb a giant lizard statue and backflip to the ground.
I gasped in surprise when someone grabbed me from behind, my heart hammering as I turned around to find Alexis beaming at me. She wore the biggest smile and I squealed as I pulled her into a hug. Lee, Karla and King were just a few yards behind.
"You guys. Oh my goodness, it's so good to see you."
"And you," Alexis replied giddily, hugging me back as Karla joined in and I heard Lee chuckle.
"You ladies got room for one more?" he asked as he came and joined our group hug. King stood off to the side, an amused smile gracing his handsome features, the sun glinting off his long blond hair. He wasn't the group-hug type. After a minute I stepped back, and my heart filled with joy. Tears pricked at my eyes but I endeavoured to blink them away.
"Really," I went on. "You have no idea how good it feels to see some familiar faces."
Karla, ever the perceptive one, drew her brows together in concern. "Has everything been all right?"
"Everything is fine, it's just . . . it's a long story, one that requires a bottle of wine and a good meal."
"Well, we were planning on hitting up a restaurant to grab dinner," said Lee. "Who's in the mood for an aperol spritz?"
Karla rolled her eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you? You can only get those in Italy."
Lee's disappointed frown was comical. "But I thought they were a Mediterranean thing? Fucking hell, those drinks are half the reason I planned this trip."
King shot me an exasperated look. "You think he's joking, but it's the truth. He's obsessed with those disgusting cocktails."
"I agree. They're the devil's nectar," said Karla.
"Why is everyone ganging up on me?" Lee complained with a dramatic pout. He reminded me so much of Trev in that instant it was eerie.
"If you ask for a spritz on our vineyard tours, I'm pretending I don't know you," said King. He sounded serious.
Alexis groaned. "Oh God, why are you lot so intent on torturing me? It's a sick joke to take a pregnant woman to a vineyard."
My mouth fell open in shock. "Hold up. You're pregnant?"
She turned to me with a big smile. "Yep. Up the duff again. There's no stopping these slutty ovaries. All they seem to want to do is make babies."
King shot her an amused glance as I pulled her into another hug and squeezed her tight. "That's amazing, Lexie. Congratulations," I glanced at King, "to both of you."
"Thanks," said King. "We're over the moon."
"This'll be our only break before the baby's born, so King's mum offered to mind Oliver while we're away," Alexis went on.
"Oh, that's great. Although I'm sad I won't get to see him this week. He's such a cutie-pie."
Lee rubbed his hands together. "So, this is the plan. We're going to go say hello to Trev then head for food. You in?"
I glanced over to where Trev was still directing Isaac. He hadn't yet noticed our visitors. "I'm not sure if we'll be able to leave yet. There's another two hours left of filming."
"Not a problem, we can wait."
"Oh, no we can't," Alexis argued, rubbing her stomach—which I now noticed was slightly more rounded than usual.
"We'll get you an ice cream to keep you going," said Lee.
Alexis scrunched up her nose in distaste. "Nothing sugary, please. All I seem to crave these days is salt. Like, I could literally eat crackers with cheese and olives all day long and not get sick of them."
"I saw a little delicatessen on the way here. We could go grab some food to tide you over if you like?" I suggested.
"I'll take her," said King, placing his hand on the small of her back.
Alexis shot me a contented look. "He's determined to be the perfect baby daddy since he wasn't around the first time. If I want a sandwich in the middle of the night he'll literally get out of bed to make it for me."
I chuckled. "Living the dream, eh?"
She let out a swoony sigh. "Pretty much."
Lee made a whipping sound, but King only shot him a look that said he wasn't going to rise to it. He was way too Zen to be riled by that sort of teasing.
"I thought you lot weren't arriving until tomorrow," a voice exclaimed, and I turned to see Trev striding over.
"We wanted to surprise you," said Karla, while Lee's attention zoomed right in on his brother's injured wrist, his expression that of a concerned parent.
"What happened to you?" he asked, eyeing Trev's cast.
"I fell. It's nothing serious."
"We'll see. How long's it gonna take to heal?"
Trev shrugged. "A couple of weeks." Turning his attention from his brother, he went to give Karla and Alexis a hug then shook hands with King. We all stood around chatting for a few minutes, then King took Alexis to go find food. Lee and Karla stayed to watch the shoot, and I went back to work.
"Reya!" Isaac whisper-hissed as I passed carrying a cardboard holder full of iced coffees. "Come here for a second."
He was sitting on a bench fidgeting with the hem of his T-shirt and looking pretty much like a hot mess. "Isaac, what happened to you?"
He ran a hand over the top of his head and levelled me with a panicked expression. "I just had an interesting conversation with Barry."
"Oh?" I said, arching a brow and suppressing a smile. I had a feeling I knew why he was so worked up.
"They're considering offering me a one-year contract to star in the show. And they have this idea to film the next series in Johannesburg."
At this my mouth fell open. I suspected they were going to offer him a part, but I had no clue they wanted to film the fourth season in South Africa. "They do?"
He nodded, a little frantic. "It was partly Trevor's idea. You were right when you said Joburg was on his bucket list."
I stepped closer, manoeuvred the tray into one hand and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "That's such fantastic news, Isaac. I'm so happy for you."
He half smiled, half grimaced. "Don't congratulate me yet. I'm not sure Barry understands the challenge he's up against. He wants to shoot on rooftops in the township where I grew up. He said the gritty aesthetic will appeal to viewers, whatever that means. He'll be lucky if his equipment isn't robbed by the end of the first day."
I chuckled at this. "Well, if you do end up filming there, you just let Barry worry about that. If nothing else, having his equipment stolen will be a character-building exercise."
That got a small grin out of him before his expression sobered again. "Mum is going to hit the roof. When we emigrated she never wanted me to go back. She . . . we left a lot of demons behind."
I frowned, wondering what he meant by that. Instead I gave him an empathetic look. "I'm sure she'll find a way to understand. This is a big opportunity for you, Isaac. One you might not get again."
He blew out a breath. "I know. I guess that's why I want to thank you."
My eyebrows rose. "Me?"
"If it weren't for you being kind to me when we first met, I wouldn't even be here. Anyone else would've had me carted off that rooftop. But you didn't, you stayed and talked to me, took an interest. You're a good person, Reya."
There was something about his simple expression of gratitude that had me welling up. "You're a good person, too, Isaac. Just remember me when you're taking over the world."
He gave a self-deprecating laugh. "Right. If I ever win an award you can be sure I'll include you in the acceptance speech."
I smiled. "I'll hold you to that."
# Twenty-Seven.
As soon as filming wrapped for the day we headed for food. On the walk to the restaurant I linked arms with Karla and told her all about the last few weeks and my recent reunion with Paula and Samuel. She expressed both shock and surprise at the turn of events. She was also unexpectedly supportive when I told her about mine and Trev's reconciliation. I think she knew it was inevitable something would happen, with us spending so much time together.
I was touched when Trev pulled out my seat for me at the restaurant, unused to such boyfriend-ly gestures. In the past year, I'd missed out on things like having someone hold a door open for me or offer to carry my bags. It really was the small things that made a difference. The way he looked at me with such love and adoration somehow made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I felt accepted, and it was a new and pleasant feeling.
Trev's and my reunion, combined with that of my brother and sister, made me realise something so basic that had always eluded me. I'd subconsciously felt unworthy. Although I sought love, there was some part of me that felt like I didn't deserve it. After all, if the people who brought me into the world didn't want me, then why would anyone else? Equally, if they could cast me aside, disown me . . . Well, now I have a better perspective.
Trev invited me to come on this trip because he wanted the chance to win me back. _He'd_ gone out of his way to prove to _me_ that we deserved another shot. It wasn't the fact that I had his love that gave me this new sense of self-worth. It was that he'd worked for it, made the effort. Persisted.
I watched him talking to Lee, my heart so full of love I felt like it might burst. Trev's eyes were a vivid blue against the hint of a tan he was developing. We'd been spending a lot of time outdoors, and though he was naturally pale, he was one of those lucky people who didn't burn.
I couldn't take my eyes off him the entire meal, how his forest-green shirt draped perfectly across his toned shoulders, how his belt fit around his trim waist. He was the opposite of me in every way and it had always been one of the main reasons why I was so attracted to him.
"So," said King. "I've gotten us all ringside seats for the circus tonight."
I perked up at this, because in the midst of my googly eyed Trev fixation, I'd forgotten all about the circus. There was a giddy five-year-old inside me that became excited about all things circus related, mainly because there was the chance I'd get to see elephants.
"Do we have time for a quick shower and change of clothes?" Trev asked, his arm draped around my shoulders.
"Of course," King replied. "We'll collect you and Reya around eight. Sound good?"
"Perfect," said Trev.
Back at the apartment, I showered off the day's heat, dressed, and went out to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. I startled when someone came and wrapped their arms around me from behind, but as soon as I smelled Trev's spicy cologne I relaxed.
"I feel like we haven't had a second alone in days," he murmured gruffly as he brought his mouth to my neck and sucked.
I stifled a moan and shifted against him. "That's probably because we haven't."
His hand went to my thigh, then moved up my belly and higher to cup my breast over the fabric of my blouse. I pulled away from him, because I knew if I let him continue we'd end up having sex right there against the fridge. Everyone was out of the apartment, but I still didn't want to take the risk of being walked in on.
Trev smirked when I stepped over to the opposite side of the counter, effectively putting a barrier between us. Karla and the others would be here to collect us soon. We didn't have time for sex, even though just looking at him made me want to tear his clothes off. Besides, now that we finally had a moment alone I wanted to tell him about Paula and Samuel.
"Can we talk for a second?"
Trev's attention went to my outfit, lingering for a second longer than normal. Then his eyes wandered over my face and hair and his expression grew lustful. "You look incredible," he breathed, like he didn't even hear the question.
I laughed softly. "I could say anything right now and you wouldn't hear a word."
"That's because I'm sexually malnourished," he shot back with a sexy smile. "Take pity."
I resisted the urge to smile back and sat down on a stool, gesturing for him to do the same. "This is serious, Trev. I want to talk to you about what happened the other day."
In a heartbeat his face lost its humour, replaced with an expression of regret. He raked a hand through his hair and exhaled heavily.
"I crossed a line, I know that. I thought I was doing the right thing but I fucked up. No matter how hard I try I always seem to fuck everything up."
Frowning, I lifted his hand and laced his fingers with mine. His breathing turned erratic when I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed it softly. I met his troubled gaze then said, "You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, what you did was incredibly brave. You sacrificed your own happiness in order to help me find mine. Taking me to my aunt's house was probably the most selfless thing you've ever done."
His eyes flickered between mine, his features drawn in confusion, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "But they were awful to you. You were so upset and it was all my fault—"
"Yes, I was upset, but the following day I had a phone call from Paula."
Trev brows jumped high into his forehead. "Your sister?"
I nodded. "Everything's been so busy that I haven't had the chance to tell you. She wanted to apologise for not standing up for me. I invited her to come see me after my gig that night and she came. She brought Samuel, too."
"And what happened?" Trev asked, his eyes alight with interest. This was what I'd missed in the years he'd been gone. Focused attention. No distractions prohibiting my best friend from listening.
"We talked. We talked for hours. And that never would've happened if it weren't for you."
His face transformed with a wide smile. "That's fantastic, Reya. I'm so happy for you."
I smiled right back. "Well, I have you to thank for it. Back when we first met, I used to think all you ever cared about was yourself, but that wasn't true. Now I know you care about me, too. I know that when you say you love me it isn't just empty words. You really mean them."
He swore and squeezed my fingers tight. "Fucking hell, Reya, of course I bloody well mean them."
I stared at him then, remembering the therapy session I overheard back in Paris. "You've always loved me, haven't you?" I said, the full realisation dawning on me.
Trev gave me a curious look. "What do you mean?"
I glanced away, unsure how to explain. I worried if I told him I eavesdropped he might feel angry or violated, which he had every right to. Even though it gave me huge insight into his thoughts and feelings, I still knew I never should've listened.
I chewed on my lip as I brought my gaze to his. "I have a confession, and I completely understand if you get angry."
His muscles tensed for a second, his expression apprehensive. "Why would I be angry?"
I tried to muster as much apology into my voice as I could manage. "First off, I'm sorry, I never should've done it, but when we were in Paris I overheard some of a Skype call you had with your doctor."
I studied his face for a reaction, but he'd gone very still. "What did you hear?"
"I heard you talk about the reason you kept me in the friend zone for so long. You knew you couldn't maintain a romantic relationship and you didn't want to lose me so you made sure we stayed only friends."
Trev's eyes flickered back and forth between mine. I had no clue what he was thinking, but then he surprised me when he said, "So this is how you know I always loved you."
"It makes sense."
He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before cupping my jaw. The look he gave me was so hot it sent shivers down my spine. "You made me happy. And yes, the idea of losing you terrified me. Also, yes, I have always loved you. At least, it feels that way. I know it doesn't make sense, but I can't remember a time when I didn't. That seems like another life."
I exhaled a long, shaky breath, my heart hammering as I asked, "So, you're not angry?"
Trev's gaze softened. "No, I hate to admit it, but I probably would've done the exact same thing. I always want to know what you're thinking. If I could get even a tiny glimpse I'd take it in a heartbeat."
"Man, I'm so glad I got that out. My guilt was twisting me upside," I breathed.
Trev bent forward and whispered, his lips over mine. "If that's the case I know a way you can alleviate some of that guilt."
I smiled wide. "I'm all ears."
Screw being walked in on. Maybe we did have time for sex after all.
I was a little dishevelled by the time the gang arrived to take us to the circus, but I managed to fix my hair and smooth out my clothes before we left. King's sister's circus was called The Circus Spektakulär and operated in a forested area just outside the city. It almost felt magical as we walked through the fairy-lit pathway that led to the tent, surrounded by tall trees and the night sky above. King greeted the girl on the ticket booth, whose name was Lola, and she appeared delighted to see him. I swear she would've pulled him through the window for a hug if it had been allowed.
The tent was packed and thanks to King's connections we had fantastic ringside seats. Trev barely took his eyes off me the entire time and I couldn't stop thinking about our quickie back at the apartment. Needing some sort of contact, I took his hand in mine and rested it on my thigh. His attention turned heated just as the house lights dimmed, signalling the start of the show.
We were treated to clowns and acrobats, lion tamers and stuntmen. I thought the _Running on Air_ cast would fit right in with this lot, seeing as though they all shared a similar interest: risking their lives for the sake of their passion.
I bent close to Alexis, who was sitting on the other side of me, and asked, "Which ones are your friends?"
"King knows all of them, but one of his best friends is on next. He's a fire breather," she said, and winked with giddy excitement. "Just wait till you see."
My brows shot up as King grumped, "I heard that."
Alexis grinned happily. "I know you did."
The ringmaster was King's half-sister. It was bizarre because she was well into her sixties, with bright, dyed-red hair and a thick cockney accent. She was the last person I expected to be related to someone as urbane, well-spoken and obviously upper class as Oliver King.
" _Damas y caballeros_ , I give you Jack McCabe," she announced, and a slow rock song started to play. It had a thick, heavy bass line that seemed to compliment the tall, muscular man who stepped into the ring. He had long hair, eyes so dark you'd swear they could see right into your soul, and a body like an avenging angel. Now I understood Alexis's giddy excitement. A chill came over me just looking at him.
He blew fire from his mouth like it was air. I trembled at the billowing flames and noticed the scarring that marred a portion of his shoulder and back. He held a torch in each hand, moving them dexterously around his body, making figure-eight shapes in the air. Next he drew the torch along his arm, creating a trail of flame on his skin. I swallowed and held Trev's hand a little tighter.
He swore low under his breath, "Fucking hell. That's got to hurt."
I shook my head. "He must use something to protect his skin."
"It's a fireproof gel," King informed us. "The same as stuntmen use in movies."
"Ah, makes sense," I said. "Your friend is incredible."
King's lips twitched. "He is, but don't go saying that to his face. Jack's not great with compliments."
Alexis laughed. "Yeah, the best response you'll get is a caveman grunt."
I returned my attention to the stage, unable to take my eyes off the swirling flames. I was only distracted when Trev rubbed his thumb along the inside of my wrist, the small movement causing my muscles to tighten. I hated how hectic these last few days had been. I felt like I just wanted to lock us both away in a secret room so we could be completely alone. I wanted the chance to show him how much I'd missed him.
The past two years, a piece of my heart had been missing and now that I finally had it back I knew I wouldn't ever let it go again.
My attention went back to the ring when the fire breather started to speak. It was kind of impossible to ignore his deep, masculine voice. He had a distinct Irish accent, and his gravelly tone set my pores tingling.
I shivered when Trev bent close to whisper, "My masculinity's feeling a little threatened right now."
I shot him an amused look. "Your masculinity's made from graphene and we both know it."
He chuckled and joked, "I'm not so sure. I could probably go gay for King's bestie."
"Again, please don't say that to his face," King added, leaning forward to look at us with a hilariously impassive expression.
"I'd like to welcome my brother to join me on stage," said Jack the fire-breather. "He's the newest addition to our circus and he might be familiar to some of you. Please give a round of applause for Jay Fields."
"Hold up. Jay Fields?" Trev asked, shooting King a questioning look.
"That's what he said, isn't it?" King replied with a casually arched brow.
"You failed to inform us that one of the most famous illusionists in the world right now is in this circus?"
King shrugged. "Fame is neither here nor there."
"He's eternally unimpressed," Alexis put in. "Don't take it personally. Also, you're just as famous as Jay, so—"
"Not in America," Trev said.
"You're an industrious young man. You'll crack America one day," King told him, like a father telling his son to chin up. Trev didn't appear amused, which was thoroughly amusing to me.
The lights changed from white to red, and "The Monster" by Rihanna and Eminem started to play, cutting short our conversation. A tall, dark-haired guy—though not as dark as Jack—walked into the ring, and I recognised him instantly.
Jay's fame had come quickly. Within the last few years he'd become just as well-known as David Blaine or I dunno, Penn and Teller. Just well . . . cooler. He had tattoos covering both his arms and possessed an affable wisdom that made you believe he knew exactly what you were going to say before you even said it.
The curtains that hung over the entrance to the ring worked as a blank canvas for what I could only describe as a performance art piece. It was like shadow theatre, or shadow theatre's distant cousin. Jack blew flames from where he stood in the middle of the ring and they reflected off a projector screen to create a shadowy inferno against the curtains. I exhaled an impressed breath as Jay flipped cards into the air, dozens and dozens of them. The paper fizzled to ashes on contact with the flames, creating a shadow image of snow falling from the sky.
Jack threw another flame, and the shadow of his hand against the projector looked like a dragon breathing fire, just like the monster in the song lyrics. Then Jay miraculously produced two white doves out of thin air. Jack extinguished his flames as the doves flew overheard, their feathery wings a symbol of hope to crush the monster.
The beauty of the piece stunned me, and when I looked at Trev his attention was rapt. It was surreal to see him so impressed, since usually he was the one inspiring awe. There was something incredibly open about his face right then and I couldn't help it. Without thinking I grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled his mouth to mine, and kissed him with everything I felt inside.
The music thundered around us, the audience clapping and expressing their delight at the brothers' display, but all I could think about was Trev. I felt his groan vibrate through my chest and wrapped my arms tight around him.
We were both breathless when we broke apart, and Lee, who was sitting at the very end of our row, let out a rip-roaring whistle. I flushed as Trev gave him the finger.
Trev pulled me into his arms, and whispered in my ear, "If you don't want to get fucked so hard you can't walk straight, you should probably lock your door tonight."
My stomach quivered at his low, sexy threat as I twisted in his arms to whisper back, "I'm sharing with Leanne, remember?"
Trev's disappointment was palpable. "Pity there's no roof garden."
"There's a balcony."
His eyes glinted wickedly. "In that case, I'd be happy to explore your exhibitionist side."
I turned away from him to watch the rest of the show, though it was hard to concentrate with Trev's hand moving over me. He explored the dip of my spine, the curve of my hip and swell of my thigh.
When the show ended, Karla and Lee went to 'find the bathrooms', which I was pretty sure was a euphemism for sexy times. I had a sneaking suspicion they liked to spice up their sex life by doing it in public places, but there was no judgement from me. To each their own.
King led the rest of us through the backstage area to an open, grassy field where there were about a dozen trailers camped out. To the end of the field, a bunch of people had gathered, and I recognised most of them from tonight's show. They all sat around on deck chairs and blankets, drinking beers and eating barbecue food.
"Are they having a party?" I asked Alexis, who stood beside me.
"Yes, it's Jack's girlfriend's birthday. Her name's Lille, lovely girl. He's putting on a surprise fireworks display for her."
My brows shot up at that. "No way! That's so cool."
"Yes, and annoyingly romantic," Alexis added.
I chuckled. "That, too."
Trev stood on my other side, holding my hand like he didn't want to let go, when two women approached us with wide smiles. One was tall and blonde, the other short and brunette.
"Alexis! King!" the brunette called out. "It's so good to see you both."
"You, too," said King. "Can I introduce you to some friends of ours? Matilda, Lille, this is Trevor and Reya. Trevor, Reya, this is Matilda, Jay's wife, and Lille, Jack's girlfriend."
"Hi," I said, giving them each a little wave. "Can I just say, both of your other halves were amazing tonight? That performance was like nothing I've ever seen."
"Yeah, the problem is they know how good they are," Matilda joked, her attention wandering to Trev. Her eyes narrowed in thought as she tapped a finger to her lips. "I feel like I've seen you somewhere before."
"Should I be worried?" Trev asked jokingly, charming smile in place.
Matilda smirked. "I hope not."
"Nah, you might have seen my TV show, _Running on Air_?" Trev went on.
"Oh yes!" Lille exclaimed as she nudged Matilda in the arm. "We have seen it. That's the one with all those guys who do parkour, remember?"
"Right," said Matilda, bobbing her head. "That's how I know you. Your show is fantastic. Edge of the seat stuff. Jay loves it as well."
Trev's charming confidence wavered for a brief second at that news, like he'd just been told his idol knew his name. "Oh, uh, really?"
"Really. He says it's one of the best things on TV right now."
I chuckled when I looked at Trev because he appeared about to expire. Then, to make matters worse, the man of the hour himself came to join us.
"King, I heard you might be stopping by," came Jay's booming voice as he approached. The two men shook hands, tattoo-free and debonair next to extensively and impressively inked up. They were the last two people you'd expect to be friends.
"My sister's been complaining that it's been too long since I visited," King explained.
"That lady always gets what she wants," Jay chuckled as he turned to greet Alexis and gave her a brief hug. When his attention fell on Trev and me, he didn't miss a beat. Unlike his wife, he didn't have to wrack his brains to remember how he knew Trev.
"Trevor Cross, as I live and breathe, how the fuck are ya?" he said, like they were old pals. Then he surprised everyone when he pulled Trev into a man hug. Trev was so stunned I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. Jay greeted him like a friend he'd known for years, though being on TV did have that effect. People felt like they knew you.
"I thought that was your ugly mug I spotted in the audience," Jay went on. "It's great to finally meet you."
He said it like he somehow knew they'd meet one day and it seriously confused me. It seemed to confuse Trev, too, when he rubbed a hand along his jaw and replied, "Er, yeah, it's great to meet you, too."
"Sorry to interject, but the way you said _finally_ . . ." I butted in, unable to help myself.
Jay's attention fell on me and it was a little overwhelming. There was a moment of silence as he shot me a look, and it seemed everyone else was wondering the same thing as we waited for him to respond.
He gestured to Alexis. "The lovely Lexie here is besties with Karla Cross, wife of the restaurant owner Lee Cross, brother to Trevor Cross. It's like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon. I knew our paths would cross one day . . . excuse the pun."
Everyone seemed to let out a breath that said, _right, that explains it_ , because for a second I wondered if he really was psychic and not just faking it with mentalist tricks like he did on TV.
"Hold on a second," Matilda interrupted, looking up at her husband in suspicion. "I've spent a lot more time talking to Alexis than you have, and even I didn't know that. So, how did you?"
He shot her a cunning smile. "No offence, Watson, but what you don't know could fill a phone book."
She swatted him on the arm. "You cheeky little—"
He shut her up with a kiss, then said, "Cheeky _big_ , Matilda, never little."
She shot him a flirtatious scowl then seemed to notice something behind us because she let out a startled yelp. Quick as a flash she grabbed Lille by the arm. "Come on, Lille, I need to get you situated for your birthday surprise."
"What, right now?" asked Lille, bewildered.
"Yes," said Matilda, adamant. " _Right now_."
"It was great meeting you," Lille called to us as Matilda dragged her away.
"You, too," I called back. "And happy birthday!"
When they were gone, Jay addressed us with a wink. "I knew all that from Facebook, just in case you were wondering."
We all laughed as Alexis joked, "Who needs detective work anymore when there's Facebook, am I right?"
A loud argument rang out from where Matilda had been looking and I turned to see Jack giving some red-haired guy a stern talking to. There was a box of fireworks at his feet.
"I'm not going to explain why dropping that box could've ended in you blowing your goddamn feet off, because I know the chemical components will go right over your thick head, but just imagine you're holding a box full of gunpowder. Do. Not. Fucking. Drop. It. Again."
Wow. Jack the fire-breather was scary when angry. The guy on the receiving end nodded like he was about to cry. Then he picked the box back up, held it like his life depended on it and scurried away.
"Relax, bro. You're going to bust Ugly Sue if you don't calm down," said Jay, teasing his brother before looking back to us. "Ugly Sue's what I call the vein in his forehead that gets all bulgy when he's pissed."
I think we all wanted to laugh, but when Jack approached our laughter fell flat. Thick waves of tension radiated off him and none of us wanted to be on the receiving end of it, like that other guy.
"The kid's a bloody idiot," he grumped. "Earlier I caught him flicking his lit cigarette butt to the ground right next to where I was storing the fireworks. And just now he drops them. If he sets himself on fire I'm blaming his IQ." He paused, noting King's presence as he reached out to shake his hand. "Hey bud. Good to see you."
"You, too. Can I give you a Valium?" King asked, arching an amused brow.
"Ha, very funny," Jack deadpanned before turning to Trev and me and giving us a quick nod of acknowledgment. It was as opposite to Jay's verbose greeting as you could get, which struck me as odd since they were brothers. Jack brought his attention back to King, who seemed to be the only person he wanted to talk to right then.
"I've been working on this surprise for Lille's birthday for months. Next year she's getting a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates."
"There's certainly less chance of exploding extremities with chocolates," King agreed.
Jack dragged a hand through his long hair. "Right, well, I better get going before someone lets slip to Lille what her surprise is."
"Go, we'll talk later," said King.
"Later," Jack agreed.
I watched him go, then startled when I looked up to find Jay studying me closely. "Reya, wasn't it?" he asked.
"Uh, yes, that's my name," I responded dumbly.
"Piano, right?"
I furrowed my brow. "Huh?"
He nodded at my hands. "Could be the guitar, but I'm sticking with my first guess."
"Oh right," I said, heart pounding. How had he known that? "Yes, I play piano. I'm a singer-songwriter, actually, but how did you—"
"You're a singer?" Jay said. "Have I heard any of your stuff?"
I gave a self-deprecating shrug. "Not unless you've got a penchant for obscure YouTube videos."
Jay nodded and was silent for a second, his attention moving from me to Trev and then back again. "This your girl?" he asked Trev.
Trev's grip on my hand tightened, his posture straightening and his voice sincere when he replied, "Yes, she's my . . . everything." He winced, then went on, "Sorry, I mean—"
"He means we've kind of just got back together recently, so it's, um, complicated, but yes, I'm his girl."
Fierce love shone in Trev's eyes when he gazed at me.
"Glad to hear it," said Jay, shooting Trev a serious look. "Keep this one. She'll be good for you," he paused to bring his attention back to me, "and Reya, with any luck I'll be hearing your songs on the radio one of these days."
I frowned at his statement, about to explain that fame wasn't something I aspired to, when Alexis cut me off. "Come on, you lot, we'd better go grab a spot if we don't want to miss Jack's fireworks."
Jay grabbed us some blankets from one of the trailers and we spread them out on the grass to sit down. Then Matilda came and offered us bottles of beer and bags of popcorn. I sat on the blanket next to Trev, starting to feel a bit of a chill. He must've noticed my shiver, because he draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.
Amiable chatter sounded around us but I stayed quiet, sipping on my beer and admiring the stars. I didn't often take time to simply sit. Be still. Karla and Lee finally joined us, and if I wasn't mistaken Karla had a twig in her hair and some grass stains on her backside.
"You think we'll be shagging outdoors when we're together five years?" Trev whispered, having noticed the same thing as I did.
His voice spread a warm heat through my belly, butterflies fluttering like wild at his question, because it indicated he was thinking long-term. And coming from someone like Trev, who was as hard to pin down as a golden snitch, _that_ was huge.
There was some cheering when Jack emerged from the dark end of the field. He jogged to where Lille sat on a deck chair next to Matilda, pulled her up and laid a big sloppy kiss on her mouth. "Happy Birthday, flower," he said. "I hope you like your surprise."
Then he was gone again and a minute later, the sky lit up in an explosion of colour. The fireworks were like nothing I'd ever seen. They weren't the typical shooting stars. Instead, Jack created planet shapes, love hearts and exploding circles. It was a symphony in light and it literally took my breath away. When the very last fireworks went off they spelled out the words "Happy Birthday, Lille."
I glanced her way. She had her hand to her mouth and her eyes shone with happy tears as she gaped at the work of art Jack had created.
"You're such a soppy little romantic," Trev teased, watching me watch Lille.
"I just think it's nice," I replied, sniffling a little. "He said he spent months planning this for her. That's love for you."
Trev took my chin and pulled my face to his so our eyes met. "Are you crying?"
I blinked and sucked back the emotion, my response weak. "No."
"Oh my God, you are. I fucking love you."
I glanced away. "Shut up."
"But it's true."
"I know that."
"And you love me, too."
"Are you trying to make me ball my eyes out? My heart can't take so much romance in one night. First Jack, now you."
Trev leaned in close and captured my lips in a soft, lingering kiss. My breath hitched when he pulled away.
"So, you're into big gestures?" Trev asked.
"Only when they're happening to other people, so don't go getting any ideas."
"Too late. I've already got at least five. Maybe five and a half," Trev teased.
I shot him a curious look. "Where's the half coming from?"
"It's not fully formulated yet."
"Well, keep it that way. You know I don't like attention. When Karla organised for the waiter to sing to me on my birthday last year I nearly died of embarrassment."
Trev gave a soft chuckle. "I'm sorry I missed it."
I nodded and looked back to the sky. The fireworks had disappeared and only the faintest bit of light remained. When I returned my attention to Trev his expression was serious.
"I'm not missing any more of your birthdays. Not a single one," he said, his tone adamant.
"And I won't miss a single one of yours," I replied.
Trev's face split in a heart-stopping smile. "It's a deal, Miss Cabrera."
I smiled right back at him. "Pleasure doing business with you, Mr Cross."
I held out my hand for him and he took it, but instead of shaking he pulled my mouth to his and kissed me like it might be our last. He gripped my face and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as we fell back onto the blanket. I felt electric, warm and fuzzy and full of every good thing life could give.
My eyes might've been closed, but as our kiss deepened, behind my closed lids I saw an entire universe full of stars.
# Twenty-Eight.
### Five months later. London.
"Trev! Where do you keep the bog roll in this swanky-arse flat of yours?" Lee called from down the hall.
My boyfriend craned his neck over the couch, where I was currently seated on his lap. "It's in the cabinet over the sink," he called back.
"Who the bloody hell keeps it in a cabinet?" Lee grumped. "You've gotten too many airs and graces since you moved in here."
"You're just jealous of how amazing my gaf is," Trev shouted happily before he bent to kiss my neck. I shivered and focused my attention on the TV; otherwise I'd be tempted to drag him away from his guests and into the bedroom. _Our_ bedroom. When we got back to London, you couldn't have torn Trev and me apart for love or money. In the end, we both got so sick of going between my flat and his that he begged me to move in with him.
The whole family was gathered to watch the first episode of _Running on Air's_ third season. I was nervous because I knew I was going to be in some of the scenes, and I'd never enjoyed seeing myself on camera. It felt weird, like I couldn't stop fixating on flaws that only I saw.
Trev pulled his phone from his pocket to check his texts. I read it over his shoulder, not surprised to see who it was from. Ever since our night at the circus, he and Jay Fields had been communicating non-stop. Both seemed fascinated with the other's profession.
_Jay: We're about to go online to watch the first episode._
_Trev: Aren't you in Vegas? What time is it over there?_
_Jay: Just gone five but we're early risers. Break a leg. I know it's gonna be awesome._
I smiled, finding their little bromance adorable. Karla hurried to take her place by the television with a massive bowl of popcorn on her lap.
"Lexie and King just called to let me know they're watching at home," she said, giddy with excitement.
"How long's left?" Trev's youngest brother, Liam, asked. He and his girlfriend, Iris, were sitting on the floor because there weren't enough seats for everyone.
"Five more minutes," Stu answered him. "Don't get your knickers in a twist, Constable."
"Please don't. Lee used to call me that all the time." Karla grimaced. "Got on my last nerve."
Lee, who'd just returned from the bathroom, slid in next to Karla and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "You were so easy to piss off." He grinned. "It was too much fun."
"I want to hear more about when you first met," Stu's partner, Andie, put in. "It sounds so fascinating.
"Speaking of which," said Trev, eyeing Lee and Karla. "I think you two should thank me for being your go-between. If it weren't for my communications management you probably never would've gotten together."
Lee scoffed. "You keep telling yourself that, bruv."
"Hush, it's about to start," Sophie interrupted as she grabbed for the remote to turn up the volume. My heart fluttered when the familiar _Running on Air_ opening credits started to play. The fast-paced rock song filled my ears, interlaced with shots of each member of the cast. I was delighted when they slotted Isaac in at the end, announcing him as their newest star. They used footage of him from Bordeaux, where he ran along the narrow edge of a bridge then leapt to a nearby streetlamp and swung to the ground.
I grabbed my phone from the coffee table to send him a quick text. I knew he was back home with his mum and sisters, spending some quality time before they started filming season four.
_Reya: Omg! Did you see? You looked amazing :-D_
His reply came instantly.
_Isaac: I'm DYING! My sisters are yelling their heads off in excitement._
I smiled to myself and placed my phone on the coffee table. Trev wrapped his arms around my middle and squeezed.
The episode started with footage of our train journey to Brussels, with Callum's voice narrating how they planned to visit several cities and perform stunts in a range of public places. I took Trev's hand in mine and laced our fingers together. I was so excited for him. This was our first time watching an episode together, and it felt wonderful.
Usually I'd watch with Karla and Lee, or at home in my flat, half exhilarated, half envious of the new and exciting life he was leading without me. Now I just felt proud. He and all the others really pushed their bodies; they practiced and trained non-stop to make their TV show as impressive and entertaining as possible. How could I not be proud?
The show progressed to the day on those rooftops in Brussels. Leanne and Paul were talking to the camera, but you could see Trev and me in the background. I tugged on his shirt where the first-person camera was attached as we chatted. It surprised me how flirtatious my body language was, because I never considered myself a flirt. But obviously I was when it came to Trev, even if I wasn't aware.
"Look! There you both are," said Stu, pointing us out. "Anybody notice how the camera's zooming in a little too much on Reya's arse?"
I let out a sigh. "I bet that was Jimbo."
"Next time I see him I'm putting scratches on all his cameras," Trev grumped.
The scene moved on to the group all lined up on the edge of the roof. Trev was the first to make the jump and my heart leapt with him. I remembered how nervous I'd been watching him drop like that. From my angle, you couldn't see that there was another adjoining rooftop.
The shot cut to Trev's first-person camera. It was unreal to be able to see how everything looked from his perspective. My stomach did a funny flip-flop when it showed the extent of the drop between buildings.
The next scene was a diary cam, which they filmed in studio back in London after the trip. It showed Trev sitting on an armchair as a faceless interviewer asked him questions. I recognised the voice as Barry's.
"You decided to bring an old friend on as an assistant. Is there any history there we should know about?"
Trev gave a casual shrug. "I've known Reya for a couple of years but she only recently came back into my life. We needed someone to fill in for Jo and she was happy to come on board."
"And the history?" Barry pushed.
It was weird how Trev had to answer questions like they were being asked in real time rather than months later. He'd warned me in advance that our relationship was going to be featured in the show, that there was no way around it, but I'd made my peace with the fact. Paula, Samuel and I saw each other every few weeks now, much to my parents' displeasure, but there was nothing they could do about it. I'd come to realise they had very little real power. And if the press tried digging into my past at least I'd be prepared.
Trev and I were in a very strong place in our relationship. I knew his fame was part and parcel of us being together. If certain facts about me were made public, then we'd stand together to face them as a unified front. I wouldn't let anyone try to shame us or make me feel like I was anything other than a survivor. It would be a test to our strength, but I was confident we could handle it.
I was torn from my thoughts when Trev finally answered the question. He stared right into the camera, his expression fierce as he replied, "Our history is complicated."
"Complicated as in?"
"I'm in love with her."
I had to stifle a gasp. I had no idea he'd admitted that in his diary cams. Stu swore loudly while Lee shot Trev a knowing look. "You're a clever bastard, you know that?"
Trev grinned widely, his hold on me tightening. "I thought it was one way to hook the audience."
I didn't know what to say as I returned my attention to the TV.
"And does she know that?" Barry asked.
"Honestly, I have no idea."
"Did you bring her on as an assistant to win her over?"
Now his eyes glinted with that trademark Trevor Cross mischief. "Only time will tell."
"Oh my God, the viewers are going to go insane for this," Karla exclaimed.
"I knew they were going to show footage of us, use our relationship as a storyline, so I decided to control the narrative. That way it's harder for them to twist things."
I turned in his arms and gazed at him. I knew he was trying to protect us, make sure our interactions were seen in the best possible light, and I loved him for it. I smiled at him with all the adoration I felt in my heart. _He was such a good man, and I knew how lucky I was._
Later on, after everyone had gone home, I made my way into the bedroom to undress. When I reached the doorway I froze and stared at the picture hanging over the bed. It definitely hadn't been there when I woke up this morning. He must've hung it while I was out.
Lost for words, I took a step inside to admire it closer. Trev had taken one of Marlene's photographs. It was shot in black and white, with the stage lights capturing me from a particularly complimentary angle. Unlike most of the pictures taken of me performing, in this one my eyes were wide open as I stared at some point in the audience. My hair was wild, my expression fierce as my fingers raced over the keys with abandon.
"That one's my favourite," said Trev, jolting me from my study of the picture. "I hope you don't mind."
He approached me from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist. Bending down, he pressed a hot, wet kiss to my neck that had tingles skittering down my spine.
"You look so fucking fierce in it," he went on as he admired the picture with me.
I chuckled softly. "Like Beyoncé?"
"Nah, more like . . . Athena."
"I don't think I've ever been compared to a warrior goddess before," I mused.
"Well, you should be. Look at you," Trev murmured. "I've never seen anything braver."
I twisted in his arms and brought my mouth to his. "I learned from the best."
Our kiss deepened until I was breathless and he was groaning like he wanted to throw me on the bed and divest me of my clothes. A chirp from my phone sounded from where I'd left it in the living room.
I reluctantly broke away from Trev to go and check it. These last few months had been a hectic time for me. Marlene convinced me to use some of my savings to book a few hours in a recording studio. Now I had eight of my original songs available as an EP on iTunes, and it was selling reasonably well. I named the EP after the title track, _Hearts on Air_ , the same song I wrote for Trev during our travels. It was finally complete.
Anyway, because of all that, and the fact Marlene helped me set up a website and several social media accounts, I'd been spending much more time on the Internet.
Trev followed me out, trailing kisses along my shoulders and teasing me about being a workaholic as he unzipped the back of my dress. I trembled when he ran his fingertips lightly down my spine then replaced them with his mouth.
"You're a fiend. Let me concentrate. This could be important," I said, a little annoyed but mostly aroused.
I picked up my phone and scanned the message. It wasn't from a sender I recognised and as I read it, I grew distinctly sweaty and out of breath.
_Dear Miss Cabrera,_
_I am writing to you on behalf of my client, who would like to purchase the recording rights to your song, Hearts on Air . . ._
"Oh my God," I gasped, my hand going to my mouth in surprise.
Trev paused his seduction to peer curiously at my phone. "What is it?"
"Somebody wants to buy the rights to record 'Hearts on Air'," I told him, completely flabbergasted.
"That's great news. Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"
"I look like I've seen a ghost because of _who_ wants to record it," I said, holding my phone up to him.
Trev quickly scanned the contents of the email, blinking several times as he read the name of the artist. When he looked at me he was just as stunned as I was.
Finally, he spoke, his voice full of disbelief, "Reyrey, this is _huge_."
I smiled so wide it practically split my face in two. "I'm finally going to be able to buy that mattress."
Trev's brows furrowed in confusion. "I have no idea what that means."
I laughed a loud, joyous sound and pulled his mouth to mine. "Oh, just shut up and make love to me."
# Epilogue
### The Grammys (LIVE), 2018.
_L as Vegas, Nevada, USA. 8:17 p.m._
"Oh my gosh, her dress is amazing. Look how it glitters," said Matilda.
"Bet you could make a better one." Jay grinned and leaned over to give his wife a peck on the cheek.
"You're such a sweet talker."
Jay winked. "You know it."
Matilda let out a dreamy sigh. "I can't believe we know someone whose song is going to be sung on the Grammys. This is so exciting."
Jay arched a wry brow. "It's been number one on the Billboard charts the past two weeks."
"I still think Reya's version is better."
"Me, too, but you do know this is her ideal set-up. That girl has no ego. She doesn't care if it's someone else singing the song, so long as the message is heard."
"Plus, she's probably made a bunch of money."
"Ah, there's my little capitalist," Jay teased and pinched her on the hip.
"I'm just stating the obvious. Oh, do you think they'll invite us to the wedding when she and Trev tie the knot?"
"They better. I'm aiming for best-man status."
Matilda scoffed. "He has three brothers, Jay. He's not going to ask you to be his best man. Plus, you've only known each other a year."
Jay made an overly dramatic sad face as he blew out a breath. "I guess I'll just have to hold out hope for Jack and Lille. Although, who knows when that's ever going to happen."
"Oh my God, you're like a mother complaining about no grandbabies. Jack and Lille will get married when they're good and ready."
"Look," Jay interrupted. "She's about to sing."
"Gah! Okay, shut up. Nobody say a word for the next three minutes."
Jay shot her a perplexed look. "I'm the only one here."
"Pfft, you know what I mean."
"Sometimes I wonder if my weirdness is rubbing off on you."
"Jay, seriously, I love you, but if you don't stop talking in the next five seconds I'm going to knock you out."
Jay grabbed her and pulled her close. "How I love your sexy threats."
### Dublin, Ireland, 04:17 a.m.
"I'm exhausted. Tell me again why I agreed to stay up for this?" Jack complained while sitting in bed next to Lille, a laptop open in front of them.
"Because I don't want to miss the song. It's going to be the highlight of the entire show," Lille argued.
"But can't we just watch the repeat tomorrow night?"
"It's not the same thing. I want to see it happening live. It's way more exciting that way."
"It won't be exciting when we're both exhausted in the morning."
"Quit being a grump. It's unbecoming," said Lille as she nudged him playfully.
Jack blindsided her when he grabbed her at the waist and pulled her body under his. He brought his mouth to her neck and licked up as far as her earlobe, causing her to melt beneath him. She emitted a low moan, trying to see past him to the screen of the laptop.
"You're trying to distract me," she complained, at the same time trembling when he brought his hand between her legs.
He smiled as he kissed his way to her mouth. "Is it working?"
"Almost," she replied on a breathy chuckle.
Jack tut-tutted. "Then I better up my game."
"Wait. Stop. She's coming on stage now," Lille shrieked eagerly, wriggling out of Jack's hold to turn up the volume.
He sighed and flopped back into the pillows. "You've got three minutes and then I'm stripping you naked."
Lille flashed him a grin. "If you must."
### London, England, 04:17 a.m.
"Can you lot keep it down? You'll wake little Tessa," King complained, holding the baby monitor in his hand.
"I don't get why we couldn't have this party at our place," said Lee. "No babies to wake up there."
"Because we left it too late to organise a babysitter," Alexis told him. "Besides, you wouldn't have gotten to play football with Oliver today if we'd gone to yours. Your garden's way too small. You know, you should really think about moving to a bigger place."
"There's a house for sale at the end of the road," said Karla, shooting her friend a knowing look. "She's been hedging for us to buy it for weeks."
"I just think it'd be great if we became neighbours," said Alexis. "We could pop around for tea all the time."
"We already do that anyway," Karla replied.
"But this way I wouldn't have to wait forever for you to drive over," Alexis argued.
Lee glanced at Alexis. "What's the asking price?"
"I'm not sure, but I'll check in the morning."
"Are you actually considering it?" Stu asked, where he sat on one end of the couch next to Andie. "I didn't think I'd ever see the day that you left Hackney."
"Yeah, I always thought you'd have your ashes scattered over the local football pitch," Liam teased.
"Now there's a classy idea," Iris added.
Lee flexed his hands then rested them at the back of his head. "I don't know. I kinda like the idea of moving up in the world. Plus, it'll be fun making the neighbours nervous when they see us lot moving in."
"You see," Alexis exclaimed, making pleading eyes at Karla. "Think of all the hijinks we're missing out on."
"Fine. I'll think about it. Now can we all focus on the TV? She's about to sing Reya's song."
They all quietened down as the presenter announced the next performance.
* * *
_T he Staples Center, Los Angeles, California, 8:17 p.m._
"I can't believe they actually invited me," said Reya as she ran her hands nervously over her dress.
"Of course they invited you. Your song is up for an award," said Trev, draping an arm around her shoulders for moral support.
"Yeah, but nobody really thinks of it as _my_ song. She's the one who sings it."
"Well I think of it as yours and that's all that matters."
Reya bent forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. She lifted her champagne flute and took a long swig as the presenter announced the next act.
"Look at my hands. They're shaking."
Trev took her hand in his and rubbed his thumb back and forth over her palm. He whispered sweet nothings in her ear to help calm her nerves. "You're incredible. I'm so proud of you. I'm the luckiest bloke in the world to be sitting by your side."
She squeezed his hand back and shot him a look of thanks just as the house lights dimmed and the opening chords played on the grand piano. All eyes were on the stage, not only inside the venue but in millions of homes across the globe. They were all listening to Reya's song. She was a stranger to most of them, and yet, she hoped they found meaning in her words. She wished that for just a few brief moments, they felt something as real as the story she told.
* * *
_If the violin is a voice_
_Then the drums are a heart_
_And the piano is my body and soul_
* * *
_If the air is a street_
_Then the clouds are a path_
_And your feet so easily close the distance_
* * *
_You walk on air like it's concrete_
_My heart's on air like it's incomplete_
_Then you leap and it's like I have no breath_
* * *
_My heart's alive when you smile at me_
_The air's electric when our lips meet_
_And your touch is a spark that lights the sun_
* * *
_If the words you say are real_
_Then this love that I feel_
_Isn't just a fleeting thing_
* * *
_If you hold me today_
_And promise you'll stay_
_I'll believe that you'll never break my heart_
* * *
_You walk on air like it's concrete_
_My heart's on air like it's incomplete_
_Then you leap and it's like I have no breath_
* * *
_My heart's alive when you smile at me_
_The air's electric when our lips meet_
_And your touch is a spark that lights the sun_
**END.**
# About the Author
L.H. Cosway lives in Dublin, Ireland. Her inspiration to write comes from music. Her favourite things in life include writing stories, vintage clothing, dark cabaret music, food, musical comedy, and of course, books. She thinks that imperfect people are the most interesting kind. They tell the best stories.
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Find L.H. Cosway online!
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Facebook
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**Thank you for reading _Hearts on Air._ Please consider supporting an indie author and leaving a review <3**
**Read on for:**
A Sneak Peek of a brand-new series by L.H. Cosway
L.H. Cosway's Booklist
L.H. Cosway's Heart Series
# Books by L.H. Cosway
**Contemporary Romance**
**_Painted Faces_**
**_Killer Queen_**
**_The Nature of Cruelty_**
**_Still Life with Strings_**
**_Showmance_**
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**The Hearts Series**
**_Six of Hearts (#1)_**
**_Hearts of Fire (#2)_**
**_King of Hearts (#3)_**
**_Hearts of Blue (#4)_**
**_Thief of Hearts (#5)_**
**_Hearts on Air (#6)_**
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**The Rugby Series with Penny Reid**
**_The Hooker & the Hermit (#1)_**
**_The Player & the Pixie (#2)_**
**_The Cad & the Co-ed (#3)_**
* * *
**Urban Fantasy**
_Tegan's Blood (The Ultimate Power Series #1)_
_Tegan's Return (The Ultimate Power Series #2)_
_Tegan's Magic (The Ultimate Power Series #3)_
_Tegan's Power (The Ultimate Power Series #4)_
# Sneak Peek: New Series!
New series coming in 2018, plus free bonus story!
L.H. Cosway's brand-new spin-off series, _Running on Air_ will feature stories about the stars of the best free-running reality show on TV!
Working Titles:
Off the Air (#1) _Callum & Leanne_
Floating on Air (#2) _Paul_
Castles in the Air (#3) _James_
Airs and Graces (#4) _Isaac_
**If you'd like a sneak peek into Callum and Leanne's story, be sure to sign up for L.H. Cosway's newsletter** HERE **.** **On June 30 th 2017, the exclusive short story, _Air Kiss_ , will be sent to all subscribers. If you sign up after June 30th you will receive the story in a separate email.**
Read on for the blurb!
Leanne Simmons and Callum Davidson are complete opposites. As soon as they meet they know they won't get along. However, for the sake of their TV show they agree to put their differences aside, but it's not as easy as they think.
For one, there's the unexplainable physical attraction they can't seem to shake. And for two, everything out of their mouths seems to rub the other the wrong way.
Leanne wonders how she can be attracted to such a careless, narcissistic playboy.
Callum wonders why he can't get a girl who dresses like a boy out of his head.
In _Air Kiss_ readers will get to experience first-hand the trials and tribulations of the pair during the early days of _Running on Air_.
# L.H. Cosway's HEARTS Series
### Praise for Six of Hearts (Book #1)
_"This book was sexy. Man was it hot! Cosway writes sexual tension so that it practically sizzles off the page."_ \- A. Meredith Walters, New York Times & USA Today Bestselling Author.
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_"Six of Hearts is a book that will absorb you with its electric and all-consuming atmosphere."_ \- Lucia, Reading is my Breathing.
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_"There is so much "swoonage" in these pages that romance readers will want to hold this book close and not let go."_ \- Katie, Babbling About Books.
### Praise for Hearts of Fire (Book #2)
_"This story holds so much intensity and it's just blazing hot. It created an inferno of emotions inside me."_ \- Patrycja, Smokin' Hot Book Blog.
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_"I think this is my very favorite LH Cosway romance to date. Absolutely gorgeous."_ \- Angela, Fiction Vixen.
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_"Okay we just fell in love. Complete and utter beautiful book love. You know the kind of love where you just don't want a book to finish. You try and make it last; you want the world to pause as you read and you want the story to go on and on because you're not ready to let it go."_ \- Jenny & Gitte, Totally Booked.
### Praise for King of Hearts (Book #3)
_"Addictive. Consuming. Witty. Heartbreaking. Brilliant--King of Hearts is one of my favourite reads of 2015!"_ \- Samantha Young, New York Times, USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling author.
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_"I was looking for a superb read, and somehow I stumbled across an epic one."_ \- Natasha is a Book Junkie.
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_"5+++++++ Breathtaking stars! Outstanding. Incredible. Epic. Overwhelmingly romantic and poignant. There's book love and in this case there's BOOK LOVE."_ \- Jenny & Gitte, Totally Booked.
### Praise for Hearts of Blue (Book #4)
_"From its compelling characters, to the competent prose that holds us rapt cover to cover, this is a book I could not put down."_ \- Natasha is a Book Junkie.
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_"Devoured it in one sitting. Sexy, witty, and fresh. Their love was not meant to be, their love should never work, but Lee and Karla can't deny what burns so deep and strong in their hearts. Confidently a TRSoR recommendation and fave!"_ \- The Rock Stars of Romance.
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_"WOW!!! It's hard to find words right now, I don't think the word LOVE even makes justice or can even describe how much I adored this novel. Karla handcuffed my senses and Lee stole my heart."-_ Dee, Wrapped Up In Reading
### Praise for Thief of Hearts (Book #5)
_"This is easily one of our favorite romances by L.H. Cosway. We were consumed by the brilliant slow-burn and smoldering student/teacher forbidden storyline with layers of uncontainable, explosive raw emotions and genuine heart."_ \- The Rock Stars of Romance.
_"I was in love with this couple and was championing their relationship from the start."_ \- I Love Book Love
_"One of my fave reads of this year. Mind-blowing and thrilling, let this story sweep you off your feet!"_ \- Aaly and the Books.
|
This article is about the Jewish educational system. For the private university, see Yeshiva University . For the website, see Yeshiva.co
Yeshiva (; Hebrew: ישיבה, lit., "sitting"; pl. ישיבות, yeshivot or yeshivos) is a Jewish educational institution that focuses on the study of traditional religious texts, primarily the Talmud and the Torah. The studying is usually done through daily shiurim (lectures or classes) as well as in study pairs called chavrutas (Aramaic for "friendship"[1] or "companionship"[2]). Chavrusa-style learning is one of the unique features of the yeshiva.
In the United States and Israel, the different levels of yeshiva education have different names. In the United States, elementary-school students are enrolled in a yeshiva, post-bar mitzvah-age students learn in a metivta, and undergraduate-level students learn in a beit midrash or yeshiva gedola (Hebrew: ישיבה גדולה, lit. "large yeshiva" or "great yeshiva"). In Israel, elementary-school students are enrolled in a Talmud Torah or cheder, post-bar mitzvah-age students learn in a yeshiva ketana (Hebrew: ישיבה קטנה, lit. "small yeshiva" or "minor yeshiva"), and high-school-age students learn in a yeshiva gedola.[3][4] A kollel is a yeshiva for married men. It is common for a kollel to pay a token stipend to its students. Students of Lithuanian and Hasidic yeshiva gedolas usually learn in yeshiva until they get married.
Historically, yeshivas were attended by males only. Today, all non-Orthodox and a few Modern Orthodox yeshivas are open to females. Although there are separate schools for Orthodox women and girls,[5] yeshivas for women do not follow the same structure or curriculum as the traditional yeshiva for boys and men.
Etymology [ edit ]
Alternate spellings and names include yeshivah (; Hebrew: ישיבה, "sitting" (noun); metivta and mesivta (Aramaic: מתיבתא methivta); Beth midrash, Talmudical Academy, Rabbinical Academy; and Rabbinical School. The word yeshiva, lit. "sitting", is applied to the activity of learning in class, and hence to a learning "session."[6]
The transference in meaning of the term from the learning session to the institution itself appears to have occurred by the time of the great Talmudic Academies in Babylonia, Sura and Pumbedita, which were known as shte ha-yeshivot, "the two colleges."
History [ edit ]
Origins [ edit ]
The Mishnah tractate Megillah mentions the law that a town can only be called a "city" if it supports ten men (batlanim) to make up the required quorum for communal prayers. Likewise, every beth din ("house of judgement") was attended by a number of pupils up to three times the size of the court (Mishnah, tractate Sanhedrin). These might be indications of the historicity of the classical yeshiva. As indicated by the Talmud,[7] adults generally took off two months a year, Elul and Adar, the months preceding the pilgrimage festivals of Sukkot and Pesach, called Yarḥei Kalla (Aramaic for "Months of Kallah") to study. The rest of the year, they worked.
Geonic Period [ edit ]
The Geonic period takes its name from Gaon, the title bestowed on the heads of the three yeshivas in existence from the third to the thirteenth century. The Geonim acted as the principals of their individual yeshivot, and as spiritual leaders and high judges for the wider communities tied to them. The yeshiva conducted all official business in the name of its Gaon, and all correspondence to or from the yeshiva was addressed directly to the Gaon.
Throughout the Geonic Period there were three yeshivot. These were named for the cities in which they were located: Jerusalem, Sura, and Pumbedita; the yeshiva of Jerusalem would later relocate to Cairo, and the yeshivot of Sura and Pumbedita to Baghdad, but retain their original names. Each Jewish community would associate itself with one of the three yeshivot; Jews living around the Mediterranean typically followed the yeshiva in Jerusalem, while those living in the Arabian Peninsula and modern-day Iraq and Iran typically followed one of the two yeshivot in Baghdad. There was however, no requirement for this, and each community could choose to associate with any of the yeshivot.
The yeshiva served as the highest educational institution for the Rabbis of this period. In addition to this, the yeshiva wielded immense power as the principal body for interpreting Jewish law. In this regard, the community saw the Gaon of a yeshiva as the highest judge on all matters of Jewish law. Each yeshiva ruled differently on matters of ritual and law; the other yeshivot accepted these divisions, and all three ranked as equally orthodox. The yeshiva also served as an administrative authority, in conjunction with local communities, by appointing members to serve as the head of local congregations. Those appointed as the head of a congregation would serve as a go-between for the local congregation and the larger yeshiva it was attached to. These local leaders would also submit questions to the yeshiva to obtain final rulings on issues of dogma, ritual, or law. Each congregation was expected to follow only one yeshiva to prevent conflict with different rulings issued by different yeshivot.
The yeshivot were financially supported through a number of means. There were fixed, but voluntary, yearly contributions made to the yeshivas; these annual contributions were collected and handled by the local leaders appointed by the yeshiva. Private gifts and donations from individuals were also common, especially during holidays, and could consist of money or goods.
The yeshiva of Jerusalem was finally forced into exile in Cairo in 1127, and eventually dispersed entirely. Likewise, the yeshivot of Sura and Pumbedita were dispersed following the Mongol invasions of the 13th century. After the scattering of the yeshiva, education in Jewish religious studies became the responsibility of individual synagogues. No organization ever came to replace the three great yeshivot of Jerusalem, Sura and Pumbedita.[8]
Post-Geonic Period to the 19th century [ edit ]
After the Geonic Period Jews went on to establishing more Yeshiva academies in Europe and in Northern Africa. One of these include the Kairuan yeshiva in Spain (Hebrew: ישיבת קאירואן) that was established by Chushiel Ben Elchanan (Hebrew: חושיאל בן אלחנן) in 974.[9]
Traditionally, every town rabbi had the right to maintain a number of full-time or part-time pupils in the town's beth midrash (study hall, usually adjacent to the synagogue). Their cost of living was covered by community taxation. After a number of years, these young people would either take up a vacant rabbinical position elsewhere (after obtaining semicha, rabbinical ordination) or join the workforce.
Lithuanian yeshivas [ edit ]
Organised Torah study was revolutionised by Rabbi Chaim Volozhin, a disciple of the Vilna Gaon (an influential 18th-century leader of Judaism). In his view, the traditional arrangement did not cater for those who were looking for more intensive study.
With the support of his teacher, Rabbi Volozhin gathered a large number of interested students and started a yeshiva in the (now Belarusian) town of Volozhin. Although the Volozhin yeshiva was closed some 60 years later due to the Russian government's demands for the introduction of certain secular studies, a number of yeshivot opened in other towns and cities, most notably Slabodka, Panevėžys, Mir, Brisk, and Telz. Many prominent contemporary yeshivot in the United States and Israel are continuations of these institutions and often bear the same name.
In the 19th century, Rabbi Israel Salanter initiated the Mussar movement in non-Hasidic Lithuanian Jewry, which sought to encourage yeshiva students and the wider community to spend regular times devoted to the study of Jewish ethical works. Concerned by the new social and religious changes of the Haskalah (secularising movement), and emerging political ideologies such as Zionism, that often opposed traditional Judaism, the masters of Mussar saw a need to augment Talmudic study with more personal works. These comprised earlier classic Jewish ethical texts (mussar literature), as well as a new literature for the movement. By focusing the student on self-understanding and introspection, often with profound psychological insight, the spiritual aims of Judaism could be internalized. After early opposition, the Lithuanian yeshivah world saw the need for this new component in their curriculum, and set aside times for individual mussar study and mussar talks ("mussar shmues"). A spiritual mentor (mashgiach ruchani) encouraged the personal development of each student. To some degree also, this Lithuanian movement arose in response, and as an alternative, to the separate mystical study of the Hasidic Judaism world. Hasidism began previously, in the 18th Century, within traditional Jewish life in the Ukraine, and spread to Hungary, Poland and Russia. As the 19th Century brought upheavals and threats to traditional Judaism, the Mussar teachers saw the benefit of the new spiritual focus in Hasidism, and developed their alternative ethical approach to spirituality.
Some variety developed within Lithuanian yeshivas to methods of studying Talmud and mussar, for example the contrast between breadth (beki'ut) and depth (iyyun), or the place given to pilpul (the type of casuistic argumentation popular from the 16th to 18th centuries). The new analytical approach of the Brisker method, developed by Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik of Brisk, has become widely popular, though there are other approaches such as those of Mir, Chofetz Chaim, and Telz. In mussar, different schools developed, such as Slabodka and Novhardok, though today, a decline in devoted spiritual self-development from its earlier intensity has to some extent levelled out the differences.
Hasidic yeshivas [ edit ]
With the success of the yeshiva institution in Lithuanian Jewry, the Hasidic world developed their own yeshivas, in their areas of Eastern Europe. These comprised the traditional Jewish focus on Talmudic literature that is central to Rabbinic Judaism, augmented by study of Hasidic philosophy (Hasidism). Examples of these Hasidic yeshivas are the Chabad Lubavitch yeshiva system of Tomchei Temimim, founded by Sholom Dovber Schneersohn in Russia in 1897, and the Chachmei Lublin Yeshiva established in Poland in 1930 by Meir Shapiro, who is renowned in both Hasidic and Lithuanian Jewish circles for initiating the Daf Yomi daily cycle of Talmud study.
In many Hasidic yeshivas, study of Hasidic texts is a secondary activity, similar to the additional mussar curriculum in Lithuanian yeshivas. These paths see Hasidism as a means to the end of inspiring emotional devekut (spiritual attachment to God) and mystical enthusiasm. In this context, the personal pilgrimage of a Hasid to his Rebbe is a central feature of spiritual life, in order to awaken spiritual fervour. Often, such paths will reserve the Shabbat in the yeshiva for the sweeter teachings of the classic texts of Hasidism. In contrast, Chabad and Breslov, in their different ways, place daily study of their dynasties' Hasidic texts in central focus. Illustrative of this is Sholom Dovber Schneersohn's wish in establishing the Chabad yeshiva system, that the students should spend a part of the daily curriculum learning Chabad Hasidic texts "with pilpul". Pilpul is the in-depth analytical investigation of a topic, traditionally reserved for the profound nuances of Talmudic study. The idea to learn Hasidic mystical texts with similar logical profundity, derives from the unique approach in the works of the Rebbes of Chabad, initiated by its founder Schneur Zalman of Liadi, to systematically investigate and articulate the "Torah of the Baal Shem Tov" in intellectual forms. Further illustrative of this is the differentiation in Chabad thought (such as the "Tract on Ecstasy" by Dovber Schneuri) between general Hasidism's emphasis on emotional enthusiasm and the Chabad ideal of intellectually reserved ecstasy. In the Breslov movement, in contrast, the daily study of works from the imaginative, creative radicalism of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov awakens the necessary soulfulness with which to approach other Jewish study and observance.
Sephardi yeshivas [ edit ]
Rabbinical School Jerusalem
Although the yeshiva as an institution is in some ways a continuation of the Talmudic Academies in Babylonia, large scale educational institutions of this kind were not characteristic of the North African and Middle Eastern Sephardi Jewish world in pre-modern times: education typically took place in a more informal setting in the synagogue or in the entourage of a famous rabbi. In medieval Spain, and immediately following the expulsion in 1492, there were some schools which combined Jewish studies with sciences such as logic and astronomy, similar to the contemporary Islamic madrasas. In 19th-century Jerusalem, a college was typically an endowment for supporting ten adult scholars rather than an educational institution in the modern sense; towards the end of the century a school for orphans was founded providing for some rabbinic studies.[10] Early educational institutions on the European model were Midrash Bet Zilkha founded in 1870s Iraq and Porat Yosef Yeshiva founded in Jerusalem in 1914. Also notable is the Bet El yeshiva founded in 1737 in Jerusalem for advanced Kabbalistic studies. Later Sephardic yeshivot are usually on the model either of Porat Yosef or of the Ashkenazi institutions.
The Sephardic world has traditionally placed the study of esoteric Jewish mysticism (Kabbalah) in a more mainstream position that in the European Ashkenazi world. This difference of emphasis arose in reaction to the historical events of the Sabbatean heresy in the 17th Century, that suppressed widespread study of Kabbalah in Europe in favour of the strength of Rabbinic Talmudic study. In Eastern European Lithuanian life, Kabbalah was reserved for an intellectual elite, while the mystical revival of Hasidism articulated Kabbalistic theology through Hasidic thought. These factors did not affect the Sephardi Jewish world, which retained a wider connection to Kabbalah in its traditionally observant communities. With the establishment of Sephardi yeshivas in Israel, after the immigration of the Arabic Jewish communities there, some Sephardi yeshivas incorporated study of more accessible Kabbalistic texts into their curriculum. Nonetheless, the European prescriptions to reserve advanced Kabbalistic study to mature and elite students also influence the choice of texts in such yeshivas.
Conservative movement yeshivas [ edit ]
In 1854, the Jewish Theological Seminary of Breslau was founded. It was headed by Zecharias Frankel, and was viewed as the first educational institution associated with "positive-historical Judaism" (the predecessor of Conservative Judaism). In subsequent years, Conservative Judaism established a number of other institutions of higher learning (such as the Jewish Theological Seminary of America in New York City) that emulate the style of traditional yeshivas in significant ways. However, many do not officially refer to themselves as "yeshivas" (one exception is the Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem), and all are open to both women and men, who study in the same classrooms and follow the same curriculum. Students may study part-time, as in a kollel, or full-time, and they may study lishmah (for the sake of studying itself) or towards earning rabbinic ordination.
Nondenominational or mixed yeshivas [ edit ]
Non-denominational yeshivas and kollels with connections to Conservative Judaism include Yeshivat Hadar in New York, the leaders of whom include Rabbinical Assembly members Elie Kaunfer and Shai Held. The rabbinical school of the Academy for Jewish Religion in California (AJR-CA) is led by Conservative rabbi Mel Gottlieb. The faculty of the Academy for Jewish Religion in New York and of the Rabbinical School of Hebrew College in Newton Centre, Massachusetts also includes a large number of Conservative rabbis.
Reform and Reconstructionist seminaries [ edit ]
Hebrew Union College (HUC), affiliated with Reform Judaism, was founded in 1875 under the leadership of Rabbi Isaac Mayer Wise in Cincinnati, Ohio. HUC later opened additional locations in New York, Los Angeles, and Jerusalem. It is a rabbinical seminary or college mostly geared for the training of rabbis and clergy specifically. Similarly, the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College of Reconstructionist Judaism, founded in Pennsylvania in 1968, functions to train its future clergy. Some Reform and Reconstructionist teachers also teach at non-denominational seminaries like the Academy for Jewish Religion in New York, the Academy for Jewish Religion in California, and the Rabbinical School of Hebrew College. In Europe, Reform Judaism trains rabbis at Leo Baeck College in London , UK and Abraham Geiger Kolleg in Potsdam, Germany. None of these institutions describes itself as a "yeshiva".
Contemporary Orthodox yeshivas [ edit ]
Types of yeshivot [ edit ]
Yeshiva Ketana ("junior yeshiva") - Many yeshivot ketanot in Israel and some in the Diaspora do not have a secular course of studies and all students learn Judaic Torah studies full-time. Yeshiva High School - Also called Mesivta or Mechina or Yeshiva Ketana, combines the intensive Jewish religious education with a secular high school education. The dual curriculum was pioneered by the Manhattan Talmudical Academy of Yeshiva University (now known as Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy) in 1916. Mechina - For Israeli high-school graduates who wish to study for one year before entering the army. (Note in Telshe yeshivas and in Ner Yisroel of Baltimore they call their Mesivtas/Yeshiva ketanas, Mechinas. Beth Midrash - For high school graduates, and is attended from one year to many years, dependent on the career plans and affiliation of the student. Yeshivat Hesder - Yeshiva that has an arrangement with the Israel Defense Forces by which the students enlist together in the same unit and, as much as is possible serve in the same unit in the army. Over a period of about 5 years there will be a period of service starting in the second year of about 16 months. There are different variations. The rest of the time will be spent in compulsory study in the yeshiva. Kollel - Yeshiva for married men. The kollel idea, though having its intellectual roots traced to the Torah, is a relatively modern innovation of 19th-century Europe although The Mishnah tractate Megillah mentions the law that a town can only be called a "city" if it supports ten men (batlanim) to make up the required quorum for communal learning. Often, a kollel will be in the same location as the yeshiva. Baal Teshuva yeshivot catering to the needs of the newly Orthodox.
Traditionally, religious girls' schools are not called "yeshiva." The Bais Yaakov system was started in 1918 under the guidance of Sarah Schenirer. This system provided girls with a Torah education, using a curriculum that skewed more toward practical Halakha and the study of Tanakh, rather than Talmud. Bais Yaakovs are strictly Haredi schools. Non-Haredi girls' schools' curricula often includes the study of Mishnah and sometimes Talmud. They are also sometimes called "yeshiva" (e.g., Prospect Park Yeshiva). Post-high schools for women are generally called "seminary" or "midrasha".[citation needed]
Curriculum [ edit ]
Learning at an Orthodox yeshiva includes Torah study; the study of Rabbinic literature, especially the Talmud (Rabbinic Judaism's central work); and the study of Responsa for Jewish observance, and alternatively ethical (Musar) or mystical (Hasidic philosophy) texts. In some institutions, classical Jewish philosophy texts or Kabbalah are studied, or the works of individual thinkers (such as Abraham Isaac Kook).
Non-Orthodox institutions offer a synthesis of traditional and critical methods, allowing Jewish texts and tradition to encounter social change and modern scholarship. The curriculum focuses on classical Jewish subjects, including Talmud, Tanakh, Midrash, Halacha, and Philosophy, with an openness to modern scholarship.
Chavruta-style learning [ edit ]
Yeshiva students prepare for and review the shiur with their chavruta during a study session known as a seder.[2] In contrast to conventional classroom learning, in which a teacher lectures to the student and the student repeats the information back in tests, chavruta-style learning challenges the student to analyze and explain the material, point out the errors in his partner's reasoning, and question and sharpen each other's ideas, often arriving at entirely new insights of the meaning of the text.[1][11] A chavruta helps a student keep his mind focused on the learning, sharpen his reasoning powers, develop his thoughts into words, organize his thoughts into logical arguments, and understand another person's viewpoint.[12]
Chavruta-style learning tends to be loud and animated, as the study partners read the Talmudic text and the commentaries aloud to each other, and then analyze, question, debate, and even argue their points of view to arrive at an understanding of the text. In the heat of discussion, they may even wave their hands, pound the table, or shout at each other.[13] Depending on the size of the yeshiva, dozens or even hundreds of pairs of chavrutas can be heard discussing and debating each other's viewpoints.[14] One of the skills of chavruta-style learning is the ability to block out all other discussions in the study hall and focus on one's chavruta alone.[2]
Academic year [ edit ]
In most yeshivot, the year is divided into three periods (terms) called zmanim. Elul zman starts from the beginning of the Hebrew month of Elul and extends until the end of Yom Kippur. This is the shortest (approx. six weeks), but most intense semester as it comes before the High Holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Winter zman starts after Sukkot and lasts until about two weeks before Passover, a duration of five months (six in a Jewish leap year). Summer semester starts after Passover and lasts until Rosh Chodesh Av or Tisha B'Av, a duration of about three months.
Typical schedule [ edit ]
The following is a typical daily schedule for Beit Midrash students in mainstream Lithuanian yeshivas:[citation needed] 7:00 a.m. - Optional seder (study session)
(study session) 7:30 a.m. - Shacharit - Morning prayers
8:30 a.m. - Session on study of Jewish law
9:00 a.m. - Breakfast
9:30 a.m. - Morning Talmud study (first seder )
) 12:30 p.m. - Shiur (lecture) - advanced students sometimes dispense with this lecture
1:30 p.m. - Lunch
2:45 p.m. - Mincha - afternoon prayers
3:00 p.m. - Mussar seder - Jewish ethics
- Jewish ethics 3:30 p.m. - Talmud study (second seder )
) 7:00 p.m. - Dinner
8:00 p.m. - Night seder - Review of lecture, or study of choice.
- Review of lecture, or study of choice. 9:25 p.m. - Mussar seder - Jewish Ethics
- Jewish Ethics 9:45 p.m. - Maariv - Evening prayers
10:00 p.m. - Optional evening seder This schedule is generally maintained Sunday through Thursday. On Thursday nights, there may be an extra long night seder, known as mishmar sometimes lasting beyond 1:00 am, and in some yeshivot even until the following sunrise. On Fridays, there is usually at least one seder in the morning, with unstructured learning schedules for the afternoon. Saturdays have a special Shabbat schedule which includes some sedarim but usually no shiur.
Talmud study [ edit ]
In the typical Orthodox yeshiva, the main emphasis is on Talmud study and analysis. Generally, two parallel Talmud streams are covered during a zman (trimester). The first is study in-depth (iyyun), often confined to selected legally focused tractates, with an emphasis on analytical skills and close reference to the classical commentators; the second seeks to cover ground more speedily, to build general knowledge (beki'ut) of the Talmud.
In the yeshiva system of talmudic study the first area to be mastered are eight mesechtohs (volumes that deal with a given subject which are divided into chapters that deal with sub-topics relating to the general subject) that deal with civil jurisprudence. These are the mesechtohs that are studied in undergraduate yeshivot. These eight volumes are mastered first because it is with these subjects that a student can best master the technique of proper analysis of the talmud. Only after this technique is mastered is a student ready to go on to other areas of the talmud and develop a scholarship in all areas of the Talmud.
Works generally studied to clarify the Talmudic text are the commentary by Rashi and the analyses of the Tosafists and other rishonim (commentators from the 11th to 14th centuries). There are two schools of rishonim, one from France and the other from Spain who will sometimes hold different interpretations and understandings of the Talmud. Various other mefarshim (commentators), from later generations are also used.
Jewish law [ edit ]
Generally, a period is devoted to the study of practical halacha (Jewish law). The text most commonly studied in Ashkenazic Yeshivot is the Mishnah Berurah written by Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, the Chofetz Chaim. The Mishnah Berurah is a compilation of halachic opinions rendered after the time of the writing of the Shulchan Aruch. In Sephardic Yeshivot, the Shulhan Arukh itself is more commonly studied. The Bet Yosef is also more widely studied in Sepharadic Yeshivot.
Ethics, mysticism and philosophy [ edit ]
The preeminent mussar (ethical) text studied in yeshivot is the Mesillat Yesharim ("Path [of the] Just") by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto. Other works of mussar literature studied include:
Hasidic yeshivot study the mystical, spiritual works of Hasidic philosophy (Chassidus). This draws on the earlier esoteric theology of Kabbalah, but articulates it in terms of inner psychological awareness and personal analogies. This makes Jewish mysticism accessible and tangible, so that it inspires emotional dveikus (cleaving to God) and spiritual contribution to daily Jewish life. This serves some similar purposes to mussar, but through different means and with different contributions to intellectual and emotional life. Chabad yeshivot, for example, study the Tanya, the Likutei Torah, and the voluminous works of the Rebbes of Chabad for an hour and a half each morning, before prayers, and an hour and a half in the evening. Many Yeshivot in Israel belonging to the Religious Zionism study the writings of Rav Kook, who articulated a unique personal blend of mysticism, creative exegesis and philosophy.
Torah and Bible study [ edit ]
Intensive study of the Torah (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy with the commentary of Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaqi 1040 - 1105) is stressed and taught in all elementary grades, often with Yiddish translations and more notes in Haredi yeshivas.
The teaching of Tanakh, Hebrew Bible, is usually only done on the high school level, and students read the weekly Torah portion by themselves (known as the obligation of Shnayim mikra ve-echad targum, "Hebrew Bible twice and Aramaic Targum once"). Exceptions are the five Megilloth and Tehillim. Since their inception, Modern Orthodox yeshivot in Israel, offer courses in many, if not most, of the books of Nevi'im and Ketuvim.
College credit [ edit ]
Some Yeshivas permit students to attend college on a limited basis, (although often not encouraged) and this is facilitated by arrangements for the above study to receive credit towards a degree.[15]
Languages [ edit ]
In most Lithuanian and Hasidic yeshivot throughout the world, classes are taught in Yiddish; Modern Orthodox, Zionist, or baal teshuvah yeshivot may use Israeli Hebrew or the local language. Students learn with each other in whatever language they are most proficient in, with Hasidic students usually learning in Yiddish, Israeli Lithuanian students in Hebrew, and American Lithuanian students in English.
Yeshivish [ edit ]
Yeshivish, also "Frumspeak", is a term used somewhat jokingly for the Yiddish- and Hebrew-influenced English used in Orthodox yeshivas in America.[16]
See also [ edit ] |
/*
Sorts a vector in place using Bubble Sort.
*/
fn bubble_sort<T: num::Integer>(v: &mut Vec<T>) {
for _ in 0..v.len() {
for j in 0..v.len() - 1 {
if v[j] > v[j + 1] {
v.swap(j, j + 1);
}
}
}
} |
import IgnoredInformations from "@/protocol/network/types/IgnoredInformations";
export default class IgnoredOnlineInformations extends IgnoredInformations {
public playerId: number;
public playerName: string;
public breed: number;
public sex: boolean;
constructor(accountId = 0, accountName = "", playerId = 0, playerName = "", breed = 0, sex = false) {
super(accountId, accountName);
this.playerId = playerId;
this.playerName = playerName;
this.breed = breed;
this.sex = sex;
}
}
|
/**
* Create a watches message with a single watch on /
*
* @return a message that attempts to set 1 watch on /
*/
private ByteBuffer createWatchesMessage() {
List<String> dataWatches = new ArrayList<String>(1);
dataWatches.add("/");
List<String> existWatches = Collections.emptyList();
List<String> childWatches = Collections.emptyList();
SetWatches sw = new SetWatches(1L, dataWatches, existWatches,
childWatches);
RequestHeader h = new RequestHeader();
h.setType(ZooDefs.OpCode.setWatches);
h.setXid(-8);
MockPacket p = new MockPacket(h, new ReplyHeader(), sw, null, null);
return p.createAndReturnBB();
} |
The Role of Asynchronous Computer Mediated Communication on Enhancing Cultural Awareness
This study investigates the effect of CMC participation on language learners' willingness to learn more about the target culture through study abroad. Also, it seeks to discern whether CMC activities improve language learners' self-perception that they have learned more about the target culture. An experimental group of 23 U.S. university students engaged in CMC with Mexican university students with a control group of 38 students from the U.S. university. We administered a questionnaire grouped thematically around seven topics. The data suggest that CMC may have a more positive effect on the acquisition of cultural awareness of students that engage in CMC than on those who do not. A conclusion could be drawn that CMC is most effective for increasing awareness about the topic of current events, followed by daily life and educational systems. The most significant increase in the experimental group's perceived awareness of culture was in the students' changing point of view about current events, ability to name two possible majors of a Hispanic student, acquisition of first hand information about daily life in a Hispanic country, and knowledge about what a Hispanic college student does for fun. In addition, the majority of students in both groups agreed that knowing someone personally in a particular country would make them more inclined to study abroad. The conclusions are significant in that they suggest how CMC not only may expand cultural awareness of selected topics, but also likely augments student desire to study abroad. |
/**
* use root to run this test
*
* @author atlas
* @date 2013-9-27
*/
public class ClockTest2 {
private class SleepThread extends Thread {
// seconds
private int sleepTime = 5;
public SleepThread(int sleepTime) {
super();
this.sleepTime = sleepTime;
}
public void run() {
System.out.println("test sleep " + sleepTime
+ " seconds,sleeping...");
Process process = null;
try {
process = Runtime.getRuntime().exec("sleep " + sleepTime);
process.waitFor();
} catch (IOException e) {
e.printStackTrace();
} catch (InterruptedException e) {
e.printStackTrace();
}
}
}
private class ChangedTimeThread extends Thread {
// in seconds
private int before = 1;
// in seconds
private int deltaTime = -10;
public ChangedTimeThread(int before, int deltaTime) {
super();
this.before = before;
this.deltaTime = deltaTime;
}
@Override
public void run() {
try {
Thread.sleep(before);
} catch (InterruptedException e) {
e.printStackTrace();
}
SimpleDateFormat sdf = new SimpleDateFormat("HH:mm:ss");
Calendar now = Calendar.getInstance();
now.add(Calendar.SECOND, deltaTime);
String to = sdf.format(now.getTime());
System.out.println("now is " + sdf.format(new Date())
+ ", changed " + deltaTime + " seconds to " + to);
// use root to run this
Process p = null;
try {
p = Runtime.getRuntime().exec(getCommand(to));
if (p.waitFor() != 0) {
System.err.println("Error execute date -s ...");
}
} catch (IOException e) {
// TODO Auto-generated catch block
e.printStackTrace();
} catch (InterruptedException e) {
// TODO Auto-generated catch block
e.printStackTrace();
} finally {
if (p != null) {
p.destroy();
}
}
}
}
public String getCommand(String time) {
String osName = System.getProperty("os.name");
if (osName.toLowerCase().contains("windows")) {
return "cmd /c time " + time;
} else {
return "date -s " + time;
}
}
public void testChanged(int seconds) {
if (seconds > 0) {
System.err.println("test change time to future:" + (seconds)
+ " seconds later.");
} else {
System.err.println("test change time to histroy:" + (-seconds)
+ " seconds earlier.");
}
long start = System.nanoTime();
Thread sleepThread = new SleepThread(5);
Thread changeThread = new ChangedTimeThread(1, seconds);
sleepThread.start();
changeThread.start();
try {
sleepThread.join();
} catch (InterruptedException e) {
e.printStackTrace();
}
long end = System.nanoTime();
System.out.println("sleeping thread consume:"
+ TimeUnit.NANOSECONDS.toSeconds(end - start) + " seconds");
}
// use root to run this
public static void main(String[] args) {
ClockTest2 t = new ClockTest2();
int time = -5;
if (args.length > 0) {
time = Integer.valueOf(args[0]);
}
t.testChanged(time);
}
} |
<filename>packages/app/libs/render/src/template/index.ts
export * from './nginxStreamConfig'
export * from './nginxMainConfig'
|
def apply_gains_rgb(rgb, red_gains, blue_gains):
red_gains = red_gains.squeeze(1)
blue_gains = blue_gains.squeeze(1)
rgb = rgb.permute(0, 2, 3, 1)
green_gains = torch.ones_like(red_gains)
gains = torch.stack([red_gains, green_gains, blue_gains], dim=-1)
gains = gains[:, None, None, :]
outs = rgb * gains
outs = outs.permute(0, 3, 1, 2)
return outs |
/**
* @version $Revision$ $Date$
* @since 0.1
*/
public final class MockActivationKey implements ActivationKey {
private final String value;
private final Date start;
private final Date end;
private String lock;
public MockActivationKey(final String value, final Date start, final Date end) {
this.value = value;
this.start = start;
this.end = end;
}
public String asString() {
return this.value;
}
public String getValue() {
return this.asString();
}
public boolean isNotYetValid() {
return (this.start == null || this.start.compareTo(new Date()) > 0);
}
public boolean isExpired() {
return (this.end == null || this.end.compareTo(new Date()) < 0);
}
public boolean isValid() {
return !this.isNotYetValid() && !this.isExpired();
}
public Date getStart() {
return this.start;
}
public Date getEnd() {
return this.end;
}
public int compareTo(final ActivationKey activationKey) {
return this.value.compareTo(activationKey.asString());
}
public void lock(final String lock) throws LockingException {
if (this.lock == null) {
this.lock = lock;
return;
}
if (!this.lock.equals(lock)) {
throw new LockingException();
}
}
public boolean hasLock(final String lock) {
return this.lock != null && this.lock.equals(lock);
}
@Override
public boolean equals(final Object o) {
if (this == o) return true;
if (o == null || getClass() != o.getClass()) return false;
MockActivationKey that = (MockActivationKey) o;
if (end != null ? !end.equals(that.end) : that.end != null) return false;
if (lock != null ? !lock.equals(that.lock) : that.lock != null) return false;
if (start != null ? !start.equals(that.start) : that.start != null) return false;
if (value != null ? !value.equals(that.value) : that.value != null) return false;
return true;
}
@Override
public int hashCode() {
int result = value != null ? value.hashCode() : 0;
result = 31 * result + (start != null ? start.hashCode() : 0);
result = 31 * result + (end != null ? end.hashCode() : 0);
result = 31 * result + (lock != null ? lock.hashCode() : 0);
return result;
}
} |
import { GraphQLResolveInfo, Kind, SelectionSetNode } from 'graphql';
import { delegateToSchema } from '@graphql-tools/delegate';
import { WrapQuery } from '@graphql-tools/wrap';
export const resolveCartReferenceById = async (
args: any,
context: Record<string, any>,
info: GraphQLResolveInfo
) => {
const cartId = args.id;
const result = await delegateToSchema({
schema: info.schema,
operation: 'query',
fieldName: 'me',
transforms: [
// Transformer to wrap the query with `carts(id: "cart-id") { ... }`
new WrapQuery(
['me'],
(subtree: SelectionSetNode) => {
return {
kind: Kind.SELECTION_SET,
selections: [
{
kind: Kind.FIELD,
name: {
kind: Kind.NAME,
value: 'cart',
},
arguments: [
{
kind: Kind.ARGUMENT,
name: {
kind: Kind.NAME,
value: 'id',
},
value: {
kind: Kind.STRING,
value: cartId,
},
},
],
selectionSet: {
kind: Kind.SELECTION_SET,
selections: subtree.selections,
},
},
],
};
},
result => [
{
...result.cart,
},
]
),
],
info,
context,
});
if (!result.length) {
return null;
}
return result[0];
};
|
People often say the most beautiful cars come out of Italy. And there's solid evidence to back up this claim. All you need to do is take a look at Milanese coachbuilder Carrozzeria Touring Superleggera's Alfa Romeo Disco Volante Spyder to be convinced.
You'll remember Touring's designs from the gorgeous Alfa 8C-based Disco Volante concept back in 2013. The Disco Volante Spyder is the roadster version of the coupe, and it is the coachbuilder's first open top car in recent history. To celebrate its 90th anniversary, Touring is working with Alfa Romeo engineers to create this car, inspired by the 1952 Alfa Romeo C52.
No heavy mechanisms here.
Instead of just using the fabric roof from the Alfa Romeo 8C Spider, the Disco Volante Spyder has two lightweight carbon fiber roof panels that weigh about eight pounds each and can be manually stowed in the trunk. "We did not want to compromise the pleasure of driving open top," explains Louis de Fabribeckers, Touring's head of design. "This car is designed as if there was no roof at all."
Touring says that the 8C Spider was chosen because of its lightweight and stiff design. The Disco Volante Spyder keeps the 8C Spider's rolling chassis, steel space-frame, underpinnings, instruments, dashboard, pedals, and steering wheel. Fans of the Alfa will also be happy to hear that the drivetrain is the same as well, which means that the wonderfully sonorous 4.7-liter, 450-hp V8 powers this work of art. Touring quotes a 4.5-second 0-62 mph time and a top speed of 181 mph.
To preserve the old-meets-new mantra, a combination of hand-beaten aluminum panels and carbon fiber is used on the body. The front bumper and grille, hood, side skirts, integrated windscreen frame, and rear crossmember are made from carbon fiber with glorious Connolly leather all over the interior.
It takes Touring up to six months from receiving the donor car to complete a Disco Volante Spyder. It will only build seven examples, and more than half of them have already been purchased. So if you're in the market, there are a few left. Know this, though: They probably aren't cheap.
You can catch this particular Blu Ceruleo ("Sky Blue") Disco Volante Spyder while it's on display at the Geneva Motor Show. It's the first one built, and if this is Touring's idea of celebrating its 90th anniversary, can you image what it'll do for the 100th? |
/**
* The auto activation char <code>'('</code> triggers the proposals.
* Proposals are narrowed down according to the beginning of the entered text.
*
* When starting within a function name (<code>strg+space</code>) the offset is checked to the left.
* If it finds any one of <code>(, '</code> or a blank the proposals are narrowed down to the available options.
*/
public class LispCompletionProcessor implements IContentAssistProcessor {
private static final char[] DELIMITER = new char[]{'(', '\'', ' '};
private IDocument fDocument;
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#computeCompletionProposals(org.eclipse.jface.text.ITextViewer, int)
*/
public ICompletionProposal[] computeCompletionProposals(ITextViewer viewer, int documentOffset) {
fDocument = viewer.getDocument();
int del = getDelimiterLeft(documentOffset);
if (del > -1) {
try {
String toComplet = fDocument.get(del, documentOffset-del);
// if offset starts with a delimiter offer all proposals
for (int i = 0; i < DELIMITER.length; i++) {
if ((toComplet.charAt(0) == DELIMITER[i]) && (toComplet.length() == 1)) {
return getAllProposals(documentOffset);
}
}
// otherwise calculate the proposals beginning with the given text
return getProposals(toComplet.substring(1), documentOffset);
} catch (BadLocationException e) {
e.printStackTrace();
}
}
return null;
}
/**
*
* @param prefix The prefix of the fiting proposals
* @param documentOffset The Position in the Document
* @return Returns the appropriate proposals starting with prefix
*/
private ICompletionProposal[] getProposals(String prefix, int documentOffset) {
ArrayList proposalList = LispKeywordProvider.getKeywordList();
ArrayList validProposals = new ArrayList();
for (int i = 0; i < proposalList.size() - 1; i++) {
String proposal = (String) proposalList.get(i);
if (proposal.startsWith(prefix)) {
validProposals.add(new LispCompletionProposal(
proposal.substring(prefix.length()),
documentOffset,
0,
proposal.length(),
null,
proposal,
"info for " + proposal));
}
}
int myspecialvar = 0;
if (validProposals.size() > 0) {
ICompletionProposal[] result = new LispCompletionProposal[validProposals.size()];
validProposals.toArray(result);
return result;
}
return null;
}
/**
* Constructs an <code>ICompletionProposal</code> array
* with all available proposals in <code>LispKeywordProvider</code>.
*
* @param documentOffset The Position in the Document
* @return Returns all available proposals.
*/
private ICompletionProposal[] getAllProposals(int documentOffset) {
ArrayList proposalList = LispKeywordProvider.getKeywordList();
ICompletionProposal[] result = new ICompletionProposal[proposalList.size() - 1];
for (int i = 0; i < proposalList.size() - 1; i++) {
String proposal = (String) proposalList.get(i);
result[i] = (ICompletionProposal)(new LispCompletionProposal(proposal,
documentOffset,
0,
proposal.length()+2,
null,
proposal,
"info for " + proposal));
}
return result;
}
/**
* Find the nearest delimiter to the left based on the offset given.
*
* @see LispCompletionProcessor.DELIMITER
*
* @param offset The current cursor position
* @return The offset from the delimiter
*/
private int getDelimiterLeft(int offset) {
try {
offset--;
while (offset > 0) {
for (int i = 0; i < DELIMITER.length; i++) {
if (fDocument.getChar(offset) == DELIMITER[i]) {
return offset;
}
}
offset--;
}
} catch (BadLocationException e) {
// ...
}
return -1;
}
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#computeContextInformation(org.eclipse.jface.text.ITextViewer, int)
*/
public IContextInformation[] computeContextInformation(ITextViewer viewer,
int documentOffset) {
// ArrayList proposalList = LispKeywordProvider.getKeywordList();
// IContextInformation[] result = new IContextInformation[proposalList.size() - 1];
//
// for (int i = 0; i < proposalList.size() - 1; i++) {
// String proposal = (String) proposalList.get(i);
// result[i] = new ContextInformation(proposal, proposal);
// }
// return result;
return null;
}
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#getCompletionProposalAutoActivationCharacters()
*/
public char[] getCompletionProposalAutoActivationCharacters() {
return new char[] {'('};
}
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#getContextInformationAutoActivationCharacters()
*/
public char[] getContextInformationAutoActivationCharacters() {
// return new char[] {'('};
return null;
}
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#getErrorMessage()
*/
public String getErrorMessage() {
return null;
}
/**
* @see org.eclipse.jface.text.contentassist.IContentAssistProcessor#getContextInformationValidator()
*/
public IContextInformationValidator getContextInformationValidator() {
// TODO Auto-generated method stub
return null;
}
} |
#include <bits/stdc++.h>
using namespace std;
using ll = long long;
ll const M = 1e9 + 7;
ll const N = 20;
ll r[N+1], f[N+1];
ll ext_gcd(ll a, ll b, ll &x, ll &y) {
if (!b) {
x = 1, y = 0;
return a;
}
ll ret = ext_gcd(b, a%b, x, y);
ll t = x;
x = y, y = t - a / b * y;
return ret;
}
ll mod_inv(ll a, ll n=M) {
ll x, y;
ext_gcd(a, n, x, y);
x %= n;
if (x < 0) x += n;
return x;
}
ll C(ll n, ll m) {
assert(m <= N);
if (n < m) return 0;
n %= M;
ll ret = 1;
for (ll i=0; i<m; ++i) ret = ret * (n - i) % M;
for (ll i=0; i<m; ++i) ret = ret * r[i+1] % M;
return ret;
}
void init() {
for (ll i=1; i<=N; ++i) r[i] = mod_inv(i);
for (ll i=1; i<=N; ++i) assert(r[i] * i % M == 1);
}
int main() {
init();
ios_base::sync_with_stdio(false);
ll n, s;
cin >> n >> s;
for (ll i=0; i<n; ++i) {
cin >> f[i];
++f[i];
}
s += n;
ll tot = 0;
for (int mask=0,lim=1<<n; mask<lim; ++mask) {
ll ss = s;
for (int i=0; i<N; ++i) if (mask & 1 << i) {
ss -= f[i];
}
ll cnt = __builtin_popcount(mask), sgn = 1;
if (cnt & 1) sgn = -1;
tot = (tot + sgn * C(ss-1, n-1)) % M;
}
if (tot < 0) tot += M;
cout << tot << endl;
return 0;
}
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package com.linkedin.thirdeye.anomaly.api;
import java.util.Properties;
/**
*
*/
public final class ResultProperties extends Properties {
/** */
private static final long serialVersionUID = 5560598098803866408L;
}
|
class Solution:
"""
@param: graph: A list of Directed graph node
@return: Any topological order for the given graph.
"""
def topSort(self, graph):
# write your code here
graphdict = {}
graphcount = {}
output = []
for x in graph:
graphdict[x] = []
if x not in graphcount:
graphcount[x] = 0
for y in x.neighbors:
graphdict[x].append(y)
if y not in graphcount:
graphcount[y] = 1
else:
graphcount[y] += 1
queue = deque()
for key in graphcount:
if graphcount[key] == 0:
queue.append(key)
while queue:
node = queue.popleft()
output.append(node)
for nextnode in graphdict[node]:
graphcount[nextnode] -= 1
if graphcount[nextnode] == 0:
queue.append(nextnode)
return output |
Media and Politics
Aiming to examine political expressions and commentaries in the age of globalization, this study on media and politics looks into modern media available on the internet, such as Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. It is found that modern media play a major role in political expressions and commentaries made by the people, particularly with regards to the victory of Donald Trump in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, where modern media, including Facebook and Twitter, were employed to communicate with the U.S. voters during the campaign. The study also highlights the influence of modern media that comes with the technological progress in the age of globalization, which has opened up a newer and more current domain for political commentaries. |
/*---------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
// Author : hiyohiyo
// Mail : <EMAIL>
// Web : http://crystalmark.info/
// License : The modified BSD license
//
// Copyright 2002-2005 hiyohiyo, All rights reserved.
/*---------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
#include "stdafx.h"
#include "crystalcpuid.h"
#include "CrystalCPUIDDlg.h"
#include "TransmetaInfoDlg.h"
#ifdef _DEBUG
#define new DEBUG_NEW
#undef THIS_FILE
static char THIS_FILE[] = __FILE__;
#endif
static CCrystalCPUIDDlg* P;
CTransmetaInfoDlg::CTransmetaInfoDlg(CWnd* pParent /*=NULL*/)
: CDialog(CTransmetaInfoDlg::IDD, pParent)
{
P = (CCrystalCPUIDDlg*)pParent;
//{{AFX_DATA_INIT(CTransmetaInfoDlg)
m_TmClock = _T("");
m_TmNominalClock = _T("");
m_TmNameString = _T("");
m_TmCurrentGateDelay = _T("");
m_TmCurrentPerformance = _T("");
m_TmCurrentVoltage = _T("");
m_TmHardwareVersion = _T("");
m_TmSoftwareVersion = _T("");
//}}AFX_DATA_INIT
}
void CTransmetaInfoDlg::DoDataExchange(CDataExchange* pDX)
{
CDialog::DoDataExchange(pDX);
//{{AFX_DATA_MAP(CTransmetaInfoDlg)
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_CLOCK, m_TmClock);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_NOMINAL_CLOCK, m_TmNominalClock);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_NAME_STRING, m_TmNameString);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_CURRENT_GATE_DELAY, m_TmCurrentGateDelay);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_CURRENT_PERFORMANCE, m_TmCurrentPerformance);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_CURRENT_VOLTAGE, m_TmCurrentVoltage);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_HARDWARE_VERSION, m_TmHardwareVersion);
DDX_Text(pDX, IDC_TM_SOFTWARE_VERSION, m_TmSoftwareVersion);
//}}AFX_DATA_MAP
}
BEGIN_MESSAGE_MAP(CTransmetaInfoDlg, CDialog)
//{{AFX_MSG_MAP(CTransmetaInfoDlg)
ON_WM_CLOSE()
ON_BN_CLICKED(IDC_TM_REFRESH, OnTmRefresh)
//}}AFX_MSG_MAP
END_MESSAGE_MAP()
void CTransmetaInfoDlg::OnCancel()
{
// CDialog::OnCancel();
OnClose();
}
void CTransmetaInfoDlg::OnOK()
{
// CDialog::OnOK();
}
BOOL CTransmetaInfoDlg::OnInitDialog()
{
CDialog::OnInitDialog();
OnTmRefresh();
CenterWindow();
ShowWindow(SW_SHOW);
return TRUE;
}
void CTransmetaInfoDlg::OnTmRefresh()
{
// for Transmeta
char str[256];
DWORD data;
// P->SysInfo->GetData(CPU_UPDATE_BASE + P->m_Mask,(DWORD*)&data);
P->SysInfo->GetData(CPU_TM_UPDATE,&data);
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_CLOCK,str); m_TmClock = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_NOMINAL_CLOCK,str); m_TmNominalClock = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_CURRENT_VOLTAGE,str); m_TmCurrentVoltage = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_CURRENT_PERFORMANCE,str); m_TmCurrentPerformance = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_CURRENT_GATE_DELAY,str); m_TmCurrentGateDelay = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_HARDWARE_VERSION,str); m_TmHardwareVersion = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_SOFTWARE_VERSION,str); m_TmSoftwareVersion = str;
P->SysInfo->GetString(CPU_TM_NAME_STRING,str); m_TmNameString = str;
UpdateData(FALSE);
}
BOOL CTransmetaInfoDlg::Create()
{
return CDialog::Create( IDD, P );
}
void CTransmetaInfoDlg::OnClose()
{
CMenu *menu = P->GetMenu();
menu->EnableMenuItem(IDM_TRANSMETA_INFO,MF_ENABLED);
P->SetMenu(menu);
CDialog::OnClose();
delete this;
P->m_TransmetaInfoDlg = NULL;
}
|
/// Test manager.
///
/// This class is implemented as a singleton.
///
class Manager
{
public:
inline TestList& getTestList(void) { return this->m_testlist; }
int runAll();
int testCount() const { return m_testlist.size(); }
static Manager& instance(void)
{
static Manager _instance;
return _instance;
}
protected:
TestList m_testlist;
private:
Manager(void) : m_testlist() {}
} |
def line_in_region(vcf_line, chrom, start, end):
variant_chrom, variant_start = vcf_line.split()[0:2]
variant_start = int(variant_start) - 1
return variant_chrom == chrom and variant_start >= start and variant_start <= end |
<filename>BookDataStore.framework/BCCloudGlobalMetadataManager.h
/* Generated by RuntimeBrowser
Image: /System/Library/PrivateFrameworks/BookDataStore.framework/BookDataStore
*/
@interface BCCloudGlobalMetadataManager : NSObject <BCCloudDataSyncManagerDelegate, BCCloudGlobalMetadataManager> {
BCCloudChangeTokenController * _changeTokenController;
NSMutableDictionary * _conflictResolvers;
BCCloudDataManager * _dataManager;
bool _enableCloudSync;
BCCloudDataSource * _globalMetadataDataSource;
NSManagedObjectModel * _objectModel;
BCCloudDataSyncManager * _syncManager;
}
@property (nonatomic, retain) BCCloudChangeTokenController *changeTokenController;
@property (nonatomic, retain) NSMutableDictionary *conflictResolvers;
@property (nonatomic, retain) BCCloudDataManager *dataManager;
@property (readonly, copy) NSString *debugDescription;
@property (readonly, copy) NSString *description;
@property (nonatomic) bool enableCloudSync;
@property (nonatomic, retain) BCCloudDataSource *globalMetadataDataSource;
@property (readonly) unsigned long long hash;
@property (nonatomic, retain) NSManagedObjectModel *objectModel;
@property (readonly) Class superclass;
@property (nonatomic, retain) BCCloudDataSyncManager *syncManager;
+ (void)deleteCloudDataWithCompletion:(id /* block */)arg1;
+ (id)sharedManager;
- (void).cxx_destruct;
- (id)changeTokenController;
- (id)conflictResolvers;
- (void)currentCloudSyncVersions:(id /* block */)arg1;
- (id)dataManager;
- (void)deleteMetadatumForKey:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (bool)enableCloudSync;
- (id)entityName;
- (void)fetchMetadataIncludingDeleted:(bool)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)getMetadataChangesSince:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (id)globalMetadataDataSource;
- (id)init;
- (id)initWithCloudDataSource:(id)arg1;
- (void)metadataValueForKey:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)metadatumForKey:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)metadatumIncludingDeleted:(bool)arg1 forKey:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (id)objectModel;
- (void)removeConflictResolverForKey:(id)arg1;
- (void)removeMetadataForSaltedHashedRecordIDs:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)resolvedMetadataValueForKey:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)setChangeTokenController:(id)arg1;
- (void)setConflictResolver:(id /* block */)arg1 forKey:(id)arg2;
- (void)setConflictResolvers:(id)arg1;
- (void)setDataManager:(id)arg1;
- (void)setEnableCloudSync:(bool)arg1;
- (void)setGlobalMetadataDataSource:(id)arg1;
- (void)setMetadata:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)setMetadataValue:(id)arg1 forKey:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (void)setMetadatum:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)setObjectModel:(id)arg1;
- (void)setSyncManager:(id)arg1;
- (void)signalSyncToCKForSyncManager:(id)arg1;
- (id)syncManager;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 failedRecordIDs:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 fetchedAllRecordsInZone:(id)arg2;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 removeCloudDataForIDs:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 resolveConflictsForRecords:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 startSyncToCKWithCompletion:(id /* block */)arg2;
- (void)syncManager:(id)arg1 updateSyncGenerationFromCloudData:(id)arg2 completion:(id /* block */)arg3;
- (void)updateSyncGenerationFromCloudData:(id)arg1 completion:(id /* block */)arg2;
@end
|
// NewCreateAppParams maps an App to appstore.CreateAppParams
func NewCreateAppParams(a app.App, adt audit.Audit) appstore.CreateAppParams {
return appstore.CreateAppParams{
AppID: a.ID,
OrgID: a.Org.ID,
AppExtlID: a.ExternalID.String(),
AppName: a.Name,
AppDescription: a.Description,
Active: sql.NullBool{Bool: true, Valid: true},
CreateAppID: adt.App.ID,
CreateUserID: datastore.NewNullUUID(adt.User.ID),
CreateTimestamp: adt.Moment,
UpdateAppID: adt.App.ID,
UpdateUserID: datastore.NewNullUUID(adt.User.ID),
UpdateTimestamp: adt.Moment,
}
} |
<gh_stars>0
package basicAgents;
import java.util.ArrayList;
import java.util.List;
import basicClasses.MaterialStorage;
import basicClasses.Order;
import interactors.OrderDataStore;
import jade.core.Agent;
import jade.domain.FIPANames;
import jade.lang.acl.MessageTemplate;
import jade.proto.AchieveREResponder;
import procurementBehaviours.ProcurementResponder;
public class Procurement extends Agent {
/**
*
*/
private static final long serialVersionUID = 2923962894395399488L;
public static boolean isInMaterialStorage;
public static boolean isGiven;
protected OrderDataStore dataStore;
// queue for procurement orders
public static List<Order> procurementQueue = new ArrayList<Order>();
// creating storage for raw materials
public static MaterialStorage materialStorage = new MaterialStorage();
@Override
protected void setup() {
MessageTemplate reqTemp = AchieveREResponder.createMessageTemplate(FIPANames.InteractionProtocol.FIPA_REQUEST);
dataStore = new OrderDataStore();
// adding behaviours
addBehaviour(new ProcurementResponder(this, reqTemp, dataStore));
}
}
|
About 8,700 senior enlisted sailors Navy-wide will potentially be on the chopping block in December as the Navy — for the first time in two years — convenes a continuation board that will likely force hundreds of underperforming chiefs into early retirement.
The board, which begins on Dec. 4, aims to clear out senior enlisted sailors who have engaged in misconduct or whose performance has slipped noticeably. These moves will clear the path for younger sailors performing at their best to move up into the chiefs mess.
Fleet Master Chief (SW/IW/AW) Russell Smith said the board has no quotas to meet in the process, meaning there is no target number of chiefs that the board is seeking to push out of the fleet.
“We’re not using this as a force shaping device,” Smith, the senior enlisted advisor for the Chief of Naval Personnel, told Navy Times in a recent interview.
“We’re just looking to make sure the chief petty officers who have the privilege of serving beyond the 20-year point are earning that privilege by meeting our high standards — that they still have that same fire in their belly as when they were first selected for chief.”
The board will take a hard look at the personnel files of all retirement-eligible sailors at the E-7, E-8 and E-9 paygrades. Active-duty chiefs will be reviewed only if they had at least 19 years of active service and have spent three years in their current paygrade as of August of this year.
About 8,700 sailors meet that criteria.
There are no exceptions to those having their records analyzed, and even the most senior sailors — up to and including Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy (SG/IW) Steven Giordano — will be reviewed.
× Fear of missing out? Fear no longer. Be the first to hear about breaking news, as it happens. You'll get alerts delivered directly to your inbox each time something noteworthy happens in the Military community. Thanks for signing up. By giving us your email, you are opting in to our Newsletter: Sign up for the Navy Times Daily News Roundup
“Our sailors and their families expect chief petty officers to operate at the highest level every day as their advocates,” Giordano told Navy Times in a recent interview.
“The Senior Enlisted Continuation Board has a responsibility to review the competency and character of these leaders and determine — based on established criteria — if the continued service of those eligible for the board is in the best interest of the Navy,” Giordano said.
There is no way to know how many chiefs will be forced to retire this year. Historically, about 4 percent, or one in every 25 at-risk sailors, will be forced out.
The number of sailors at risk this year is the highest since 2011.
Graphic by Military Times staff
This year’s board will be the first since December 2015 — last year’s was nixed because of a scheduling mix-up.
Over the years, the numbers of chiefs forced into retirement has fluctuated. The most retirements came in 2012, when 593 were not continued. The lowest was in 2015, when just 161 were separated.
For worried sailors who feel their record doesn’t paint an accurate picture of their service, letters to the board to alert them of mitigating circumstances can be sent until Nov. 17.
“If they want to submit additional documentation along with that memo, they certainly have that right,” Smith said. “All of those things will be considered by the board.”
WHO’S AT RISK?
Most chiefs under review will be approved for continuation. But those with red flags will face possible retirement.
The board will be looking for adverse information in the past three years, Smith said, or in the time since the sailor made chief petty officer. Possible red flags include any documented nonjudicial punishment or misconduct, as well as substandard or declining performance.
An evaluation with an individual trait grade of 2.0 or below, documented evidence resulting in a sailor’s inability to perform their job, physical fitness failures or security clearance loss in a rating that requires continuous eligibility are examples of such determining factors.
“If you don’t have any of these triggers in your record, then you really don’t have anything to worry about,” Smith said. “If you do, it does not mean you automatically go home — it just means your record will be looked at in greater detail.”
The primary document used in the review, as with selection boards, is the annual performance evaluation, Smith said.
“There are lots of opportunities for commanding officers to point out where the performance of their chief petty officers are,” Smith said. “The principal source document we use in any selection process is the evaluation and it’s going to be heavily considered for it’s verbiage, for CO’s recommendation, etc.
“If the CO recommends advancement and retention and marks them accordingly, those are factors that are absolutely considered.”
HOW THE BOARD WORKS
One flag officer will preside over the board, which will also include 10 or so other officers and about 60 master chiefs as voting members, the same composition as in 2015.
Once in session, the board breaks into panels, just as the enlisted selection boards do, but that’s where the similarity ends.
Unlike officer boards, there will be no pictures — just names — included in sailor records, something some senior enlisted think needs to change..
Each panel produces two stacks of records, those with adverse information and those without.
Once a panel has completed its review, it takes those records into the “tank,” a large room where records are briefed and voted on.
Those with no adverse information will be briefed as a group. The board votes on this group as a whole.
If 51 percent of the board agrees, they’ll be set aside as having been approved for continuation.
Those with adverse information come next. Each record will be briefed to the group.
“The bar is pretty high as to what would cause your record to be screened in the tank,” Smith said. “And if you find yourself in that group, it’s your performance that’s warranted that discussion. It doesn’t mean your going home, as there could clearly be mitigating circumstances that will come out in the conversation. It just means that conversation gets to be had.”
For example, a chief who had a physical fitness failure three years ago, but who has since improved and has no other adverse information in his record, will most likely be approved for continuation, he said.
But it will be an entirely different case for someone who, for instance, went to mast two years ago and whose performance never recovered.
APPEALS
Once the board’s results are published, there’s no appeal. All those not continued will be required put in their request to retire by March 16 and must be retire on or before Sept. 1.
The only exceptions to these cases are operational and readiness waivers.
Operational waivers are for circumstances when the loss of the sailor will hurt the command’s ability to complete their short-term mission. These waiver can buy a sailor an additional three months of duty, but no more.
The board was created in 2009 as a solution to multiple issues facing the Navy at the time.
During the most recent draw down nearly a decade ago, the Navy’s senior leadership viewed the high retention of retirement-eligible senior enlisted leaders as reducing advancement opportunity.
In February 2009, 60 of 82 ratings were at or above 110 percent capacity among sailors with 20-plus years of service.
Back then, some senior Navy officers wanted to give the boards quotas — mandatory cuts of up to 2,000. |
<filename>app_error/error_test.go<gh_stars>0
package app_error
import (
"reflect"
"strings"
"testing"
)
func TestErrHandling(t *testing.T) {
type args struct {
typeS string
}
tests := []struct {
name string
args args
wantErrType string
}{
{name: "HogeErr", args: args{typeS: "hoge"}, wantErrType: "HogeError"},
{name: "FooErr", args: args{typeS: "foo"}, wantErrType: "FooError"},
{name: "BarErr", args: args{typeS: "bar"}, wantErrType: "BarError"},
{name: "UnknownErr1", args: args{typeS: "moge"}, wantErrType: "UnknownError"},
{name: "UnknownErr2", args: args{typeS: "fuga"}, wantErrType: "UnknownError"},
}
for _, tt := range tests {
t.Run(tt.name, func(t *testing.T) {
err := NewAppErr(tt.args.typeS)
split := strings.Split(reflect.ValueOf(err).Type().String(), ".")
errType := split[len(split)-1]
if errType != tt.wantErrType {
t.Log("error type is unexpected", errType, tt.wantErrType)
t.Fail()
}
})
}
}
|
<filename>08. Matrix/determinant of a matrix.cpp
// C++ program to find Determinant of a matrix
#include <iostream>
using namespace std;
// Dimension of input square matrix
#define N 4
// Function to get cofactor of mat[p][q] in temp[][]. n is
// current dimension of mat[][]
void getCofactor(int mat[N][N], int temp[N][N], int p,
int q, int n)
{
int i = 0, j = 0;
// Looping for each element of the matrix
for (int row = 0; row < n; row++)
{
for (int col = 0; col < n; col++)
{
// Copying into temporary matrix only those
// element which are not in given row and
// column
if (row != p && col != q)
{
temp[i][j++] = mat[row][col];
// Row is filled, so increase row index and
// reset col index
if (j == n - 1)
{
j = 0;
i++;
}
}
}
}
}
/* Recursive function for finding determinant of matrix.
n is current dimension of mat[][]. */
int determinantOfMatrix(int mat[N][N], int n)
{
int D = 0; // Initialize result
// Base case : if matrix contains single element
if (n == 1)
return mat[0][0];
int temp[N][N]; // To store cofactors
int sign = 1; // To store sign multiplier
// Iterate for each element of first row
for (int f = 0; f < n; f++)
{
// Getting Cofactor of mat[0][f]
getCofactor(mat, temp, 0, f, n);
D += sign * mat[0][f]
* determinantOfMatrix(temp, n - 1);
// terms are to be added with alternate sign
sign = -sign;
}
return D;
}
/* function for displaying the matrix */
void display(int mat[N][N], int row, int col)
{
for (int i = 0; i < row; i++)
{
for (int j = 0; j < col; j++)
cout <<" " << mat[i][j];
cout <<"n";
}
}
// Driver program to test above functions
int main()
{
/* int mat[N][N] = {{6, 1, 1},
{4, -2, 5},
{2, 8, 7}}; */
int mat[N][N] = { { 1, 0, 2, -1 },
{ 3, 0, 0, 5 },
{ 2, 1, 4, -3 },
{ 1, 0, 5, 0 } };
// Function call
cout <<"Determinant of the matrix is : " << determinantOfMatrix(mat, N);
return 0;
}
// this code is contributed by shivanisinghss2110
|
// isEnvelopeCached checks if envelope with specific hash has already been received and cached.
func (whisper *Whisper) isEnvelopeCached(hash common.Hash) bool {
whisper.poolMu.Lock()
defer whisper.poolMu.Unlock()
_, exist := whisper.envelopes[hash]
return exist
} |
// Notice is when a Notice is directed for this channel - forward the notice to each member
func (c *Channel) Notice(client *Client, message string) {
m := irc.Message{Prefix: client.Prefix, Command: irc.NOTICE, Params: []string{c.Name}, Trailing: message}
c.SendMessageToOthers(&m, client)
} |
/**
* Use this API to enable dnsnameserver of given name.
*/
public static base_response enable(nitro_service client, String ip) throws Exception {
dnsnameserver enableresource = new dnsnameserver();
enableresource.ip = ip;
return enableresource.perform_operation(client,"enable");
} |
<filename>src/info/wm.rs
use crate::util::Result;
use std::{env::var, fs::read_to_string, path::Path};
pub fn get_wm_info() -> Result<String> {
let home = var("HOME")?;
let path = Path::new(&home).join(".xinitrc");
let file = read_to_string(&path).expect("no xinitrc");
let last = file.split(' ').last().expect("couldn't get wm/de");
Ok(last.to_string().replace("\n", ""))
}
|
<reponame>yigitbey/qubit-opencensus
# Copyright 2017, OpenCensus Authors
#
# Licensed under the Apache License, Version 2.0 (the "License");
# you may not use this file except in compliance with the License.
# You may obtain a copy of the License at
#
# http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0
#
# Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software
# distributed under the License is distributed on an "AS IS" BASIS,
# WITHOUT WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied.
# See the License for the specific language governing permissions and
# limitations under the License.
import logging
import re
from opencensus.trace.span_context import SpanContext
from opencensus.trace.trace_options import TraceOptions
_UBER_HEADER_NAME = 'Uber-Trace-Id'
_UBER_HEADER_FORMAT = '([0-9a-f]{0,32})\:([0-9a-f]{0,16})\:([0-9a-f]{0,16})\:([0-9a-f]{1,2})'
_UBER_HEADER_RE = re.compile(_UBER_HEADER_FORMAT)
class JaegerFormatPropagator(object):
"""This class is for converting the trace header in Jaeger's format
and generate a SpanContext, or converting a SpanContext to Jaeger's trace
header.
"""
def from_header(self, header=None):
"""Generate a SpanContext object using the trace context header.
The value of enabled parsed from header is int. Need to convert to
bool.
:type header: str
:param header: Trace context header which was extracted from the HTTP
request headers.
:rtype: :class:`~opencensus.trace.span_context.SpanContext`
:returns: SpanContext generated from the trace context header.
"""
if header is None:
return SpanContext()
try:
match = re.match(_UBER_HEADER_RE, header)
except TypeError:
logging.warning(
'Header should be str, got {}. Cannot parse the header.'
.format(header.__class__.__name__))
raise
if match is not None:
trace_id = match.group(1)
span_id = match.group(2)
trace_options = match.group(4)
span_context = SpanContext(
trace_id=trace_id.zfill(32),
span_id=span_id.zfill(16),
trace_options=TraceOptions(str(int('0x' + trace_options, 16))),
from_header=True)
return span_context
else:
logging.warning(
'Cannot parse the header {}, generate a new context instead.'
.format(header))
return SpanContext()
def from_headers(self, headers=None):
"""Generate a SpanContext object using the trace context header.
:type headers: dict
:param headers: HTTP request headers.
:rtype: :class:`~opencensus.trace.span_context.SpanContext`
:returns: SpanContext generated from the trace context header.
"""
if headers is None:
return SpanContext()
for name in headers:
if name.lower() == _UBER_HEADER_NAME.lower():
return self.from_header(headers[name])
return SpanContext()
def to_header(self, span_context):
"""Convert a SpanContext object to header string.
:type span_context:
:class:`~opencensus.trace.span_context.SpanContext`
:param span_context: SpanContext object.
:rtype: str
:returns: A trace context header string in google cloud format.
"""
trace_id = span_context.trace_id
span_id = span_context.span_id
trace_options = span_context.trace_options.trace_options_byte
header = '{}:{}:0:{:02x}'.format(
trace_id,
span_id,
int(trace_options))
return header
def to_headers(self, span_context):
"""Convert a SpanContext object to HTTP request headers.
:type span_context:
:class:`~opencensus.trace.span_context.SpanContext`
:param span_context: SpanContext object.
:rtype: dict
:returns: Trace context headers in google cloud format.
"""
if span_context is None:
return {}
return {
_UBER_HEADER_NAME: self.to_header(span_context),
}
|
<reponame>silaev/mongodb-replica-set-examples<gh_stars>0
package com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.examples;
import com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.MongoDbReplicaSet;
import com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.examples.util.MongoDBConnectionUtils;
import com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.examples.util.WaitUtils;
import com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.model.MongoNode;
import com.mongodb.MongoException;
import com.mongodb.ReadConcern;
import com.mongodb.WriteConcern;
import com.mongodb.client.MongoClient;
import com.mongodb.client.MongoClients;
import com.mongodb.client.MongoCollection;
import org.bson.Document;
import org.junit.jupiter.api.Test;
import java.time.Duration;
import java.time.Instant;
import java.util.Arrays;
import static com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.model.ReplicaSetMemberState.DOWN;
import static com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.model.ReplicaSetMemberState.PRIMARY;
import static com.github.silaev.mongodb.replicaset.model.ReplicaSetMemberState.SECONDARY;
import static org.assertj.core.api.Assertions.assertThat;
import static org.assertj.core.api.Assertions.assertThatThrownBy;
class FailureTest {
private static final org.slf4j.Logger LOGGER =
org.slf4j.LoggerFactory.getLogger(FailureTest.class);
@Test
void shouldTestFailures() {
// GIVEN
try (
final MongoDbReplicaSet mongoReplicaSet = MongoDbReplicaSet.builder()
.mongoDockerImageName("mongo:4.4.4")
.useHostDockerInternal(true)
.addToxiproxy(true)
.replicaSetNumber(3)
.commandLineOptions(Arrays.asList("--oplogSize", "50"))
.build()
) {
mongoReplicaSet.start();
final String replicaSetUrl = mongoReplicaSet.getReplicaSetUrl();
assertThat(
mongoReplicaSet.nodeStates(mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers())
).containsExactlyInAnyOrder(PRIMARY, SECONDARY, SECONDARY);
try (
final MongoClient mongoSyncClient = MongoClients.create(
MongoDBConnectionUtils.getMongoClientSettingsWithTimeout(
replicaSetUrl, WriteConcern.MAJORITY.withJournal(true), ReadConcern.MAJORITY, 5
)
)
) {
final MongoCollection<Document> collection = getCollection(mongoSyncClient);
insertDoc("before failure 1", collection);
final MongoNode masterNodeBeforeFailure1 =
mongoReplicaSet.getMasterMongoNode(mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers());
// WHEN: Fault tolerance
mongoReplicaSet.disconnectNodeFromNetwork(masterNodeBeforeFailure1);
mongoReplicaSet.waitForMasterReelection(masterNodeBeforeFailure1);
assertThat(
mongoReplicaSet.nodeStates(mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers())
).containsExactlyInAnyOrder(PRIMARY, SECONDARY, DOWN);
insertDoc("after failure 1", collection);
// WHEN: Becoming read only
final MongoNode masterNodeBeforeFailure2 = mongoReplicaSet.getMasterMongoNode(
mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers()
);
mongoReplicaSet.disconnectNodeFromNetwork(masterNodeBeforeFailure2);
mongoReplicaSet.waitForMongoNodesDown(2);
// THEN
assertThatThrownBy(
() -> insertDocExceptionally("after failure 2", collection)
).isInstanceOf(MongoException.class);
assertThat(
mongoReplicaSet.nodeStates(mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers())
).containsExactlyInAnyOrder(SECONDARY, DOWN, DOWN);
// WHEN: Bring all the disconnected nodes back
mongoReplicaSet.connectNodeToNetwork(masterNodeBeforeFailure1);
mongoReplicaSet.connectNodeToNetwork(masterNodeBeforeFailure2);
mongoReplicaSet.waitForAllMongoNodesUp();
mongoReplicaSet.waitForMaster();
// THEN
assertThat(
mongoReplicaSet.nodeStates(mongoReplicaSet.getMongoRsStatus().getMembers())
).containsExactlyInAnyOrder(PRIMARY, SECONDARY, SECONDARY);
long totalDocs = WaitUtils.pollUntilExpectedOrLatestValue(
collection::countDocuments,
3L,
Duration.ofSeconds(10),
4
);
LOGGER.debug("totalDocs: {}", totalDocs);
assertThat(totalDocs).satisfiesAnyOf(
v -> assertThat(v).isEqualTo(2L),
v -> assertThat(v).isEqualTo(3L)
);
}
}
}
private MongoCollection<Document> getCollection(final MongoClient mongoSyncClient) {
final String dbName = "test";
final String collectionName = "foo";
return mongoSyncClient.getDatabase(dbName).getCollection(collectionName);
}
private void insertDoc(final String key, final MongoCollection<Document> collection) {
try {
insertDocExceptionally(key, collection);
} catch (MongoException e) {
LOGGER.debug("Failed to insert a doc with a key: {}, exception: {}", key, e.getMessage());
}
}
private void insertDocExceptionally(
final String key,
final MongoCollection<Document> collection
) {
collection.insertOne(new Document(key, Instant.now()));
}
}
|
def read_info():
scope = {}
version_file = os.path.join(THIS_DIR, "physt", "version.py")
with open(version_file, "r") as f:
exec(f.read(), scope)
return scope |
I sometimes refer to the International Space Station as just “the space station”—and usually, in context, that’s OK. But not too many people are aware that there is another space station: Tiangong-1 (“Heavenly Palace 1”), a testbed spacecraft launched by the Chinese into low-Earth orbit in 2011.
One person who knows about it is the master astrophotographer Thierry Legault, who never ceases to amaze me with his uncanny ability to capture incredible pictures of the sky. The other day he sent me a note; on June 16, in southern France, he caught Tiangong-1 crossing the Sun!
The Chinese space station and the face of a star.
Photo by Thierry Legault, used by permission
In this picture, you can see the station silhouetted against the Sun’s face; it’s the H-shaped object between the sunspots. Right now, the Shenzou-10 spacecraft is docked to Tiangong-1; each is one half of the H.
Perspective is funny; the two spacecraft together are about 20 meters across but don’t look much smaller than the sunspots … which are as large as our entire planet! But, of course, they’re a wee bit farther away. Like, 500,000 times farther.
But Legault wasn’t done. The next day he went out again and got video of the pair crossing the Sun’s face:
The station streaks across the roiling disk of the Sun.
Photo by Thierry Legault, used by permission
The entire transit took less than half a second! He got 17 different frames with the station in it, which I’ve marked with arrows. He used a hydrogen-alpha filter, which accentuates the flow of hot plasma on the Sun’s surface writhing under the intense magnetic fields, adding substantial drama to the shot.
The Shenzou-10 mission should be ending in a few days, and the three astronauts on board will return to Earth. It is the last planned mission to Tiangong-1; it was designed to test out various technologies and lay the path for a series of larger and more ambitious space stations, the first of which if planned to launch in 2020. Tiangong-1 will eventually be deorbited (dropped into the Pacific Ocean) since it will no longer be needed.
Of course, I can’t help but note that the Chinese are taking space exploration very seriously, taking methodical steps and working to do what needs to be done. I hope that Congress and the White House will take it just as seriously. I don’t want another space race—those are wasteful and have long-term deleterious effects, in my opinion—but what I do want is an eye to the skies and everyone to understand that exploring space is not just something we want to do, but that we must do.
Related Posts
China’s Space Lab Has a Spot in the Sun
Check. This. Out. Amazing photo of the Sun…
INSANELY Awesome Solar Eclipse Picture
SERIOUSLY Jaw-Dropping Pictures of Endeavour and the ISS! |
While we always strive to bring you factual and accurate blogs, videos, and listicles, sometimes errors slip by us. In our “13 Hedgehogs Who Need A Vacation” piece we published last week, there were eight mistakes that we would like to now correct. We apologize to our readers, and we promise more stringent oversight in the future.
Our initial list emphasized that this hedgehog “TOTALLY needs a vacay NOW.” This hedgehog certainly could use a quiet hour to himself, but saying he needed anything more than that was unwarranted hyperbole, plain and simple.
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In our fourth caption, we wrote that this hedgehog “can’t even right now.” We recently discovered that the hedgehog portrayed in this photo was never actually contacted about whether or not she could or couldn’t even.
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This guy did, in fact, need a vacation, but he is a porcupine, not a hedgehog. That one got by us.
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Yes, this hedgehog technically is furry, but cuddly would have been a far more accurate description. We thank our readers for letters alerting us.
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In this entry, we said the hedgehog was first classified by Constantine Rafinesque-Schmaltz in 1823. After double-checking our sources, the person responsible was Gotthelf Fischer in 1814. We regret the error.
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In caption eight, we noted that “Someone needs to get this guy to a tiny little pool in a hedgehog-sized Cancun!” This statement has no basis in fact.
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The word “awwwwwwww” does not appear in any English dictionary. Our copy editor has since been fired for an unrelated matter.
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Shortly after publishing the original list, we realized it could have been fun and cool to put Sonic the Hedgehog somewhere. We completely missed that opportunity, and hopefully this picture of him here makes up for that in some small way. |
#include <bits/stdc++.h>
#ifdef lyosha
#define files freopen("input.txt", "r", stdin);
#else
#define files //freopen("input.txt", "r", stdin);
#endif
using namespace std;
const int mod = 1e9 + 7;
const int N = 1000005;
int p[N];
int fnd(int a){
if(a == p[a]) return a;
return p[a] = fnd(p[a]);
}
void un(int a, int b){
a = fnd(a);
b = fnd(b);
if(rand() & 1) swap(a, b);
p[a] = b;
}
set<int> s;
int n;
int main()
{
files;
cin >> n;
for(int i = 1; i <= n; ++i){
s.insert(i);
p[i] = i;
}
int q;
cin >> q;
while(q --> 0){
int type, x, y;
scanf("%d %d %d", &type, & x, & y);
if(x > y) swap(x, y);
if(type == 1){
un(x, y);
}
else if(type == 2){
un(x, y);
while(true){
auto it = s.upper_bound(x);
if(it == s.end() || *it >= y) break;
un(*it, x);
s.erase(it);
}
}
else{
if(fnd(x) == fnd(y)){
puts("YES");
}
else{
puts("NO");
}
}
}
return 0;
}
|
<reponame>wwit-llt/binance-trader
# -*- coding: UTF-8 -*-
# @yasinkuyu
# Define Python imports
import os
import sys
import time
import config
import threading
import math
import logging
import logging.handlers
import json
# from binance_f import RequestClient
# from binance_f.constant.test import *
# from binance_f.base.printobject import *
# from binance_f.model.constant import *
# request_client = RequestClient(api_key=config.api_key, secret_key=config.api_secret)
from BinanceAPI import BinanceAPI
client = BinanceAPI(config.api_key, config.api_secret)
# Define Custom imports
from Database import Database
from Orders import Orders
formater_str = '%(asctime)s,%(msecs)d %(levelname)s %(name)s: %(message)s'
formatter = logging.Formatter(formater_str)
datefmt="%Y-%b-%d %H:%M:%S"
LOGGER_ENUM = {'debug':'debug.log', 'trading':'trades.log','errors':'general.log'}
#LOGGER_FILE = LOGGER_ENUM['pre']
LOGGER_FILE = "binance-trader.log"
FORMAT = '%(asctime)-15s - %(levelname)s: %(message)s'
logger = logging.basicConfig(filename=LOGGER_FILE, filemode='a',
format=formater_str, datefmt=datefmt,
level=logging.INFO)
# Aproximated value to get back the commision for sell and buy
TOKEN_COMMISION = 0.001
BNB_COMMISION = 0.0005
#((eth*0.05)/100)
class Trading():
# Define trade vars
order_id = 0
# BTC amount
amount = 0
quantity = 0
count = 0
split_count = 0
direction = None
wait_time = 300
minPrice = 0
WAIT_TIME_CHECK = 2 # seconds
# minNotional = 0
def __init__(self, option):
print("options: {0}".format(option))
# Get argument parse options
self.option = option
# Define parser vars
self.order_id = 0
self.split_count = float(self.option.amount) / float(self.option.split_amount)
self.count = 0
self.wait_time = int(self.option.wait_time)
self.direction = self.option.direction
# BTC amount
self.amount = self.option.amount
self.quantity = self.option.split_amount
# setup Logger
self.logger = self.setup_logger(self.option.symbol, debug=self.option.debug)
def setup_logger(self, symbol, debug=True):
"""Function setup as many loggers as you want"""
#handler = logging.FileHandler(log_file)
#handler.setFormatter(formatter)
#logger.addHandler(handler)
logger = logging.getLogger(symbol)
stout_handler = logging.StreamHandler(sys.stdout)
if debug:
logger.setLevel(logging.DEBUG)
stout_handler.setLevel(logging.DEBUG)
#handler = logging.handlers.SysLogHandler(address='/dev/log')
#logger.addHandler(handler)
stout_handler.setFormatter(formatter)
logger.addHandler(stout_handler)
return logger
# def futureOrder(self, symbol, orderDirect, quantity):
# futureResult = request_client.post_order(symbol, orderDirect, OrderType.MARKET, None, quantity)
# jsonFutureResult = json.dumps(futureResult.__dict__)
# jsonFutureResult = json.loads(jsonFutureResult)
# print("json future result")
# print(jsonFutureResult)
# # PrintBasic.print_obj(futureResult)
# print(jsonFutureResult['orderId'])
# # exit(1)
# futureOrderId = jsonFutureResult['orderId']
# # exit()
# result = request_client.get_order(symbol=symbol, orderId=futureOrderId)
# print("future get order:")
# jsonResult = json.dumps(result.__dict__)
# jsonResult = json.loads(jsonResult)
# # print(result)
# while jsonResult['status'] != "FILLED":
# time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
# result = request_client.get_order(symbol=symbol, orderId=futureOrderId)
# jsonResult = json.dumps(result.__dict__)
# jsonResult = json.loads(jsonResult)
# self.action(symbol)
def buy(self, symbol, quantity, buyPrice):
# Do you have an open order?
self.check_order()
try:
# Create order
orderId = Orders.buy_limit(symbol, quantity, buyPrice)
# Database log
# Database.write([orderId, symbol, 0, buyPrice, 'BUY', quantity])
# print('Buy order created id:%d, q:%.8f, p:%.8f' % (orderId, quantity, float(buyPrice)))
self.logger.info('%s : Buy order created id:%d, q:%.8f, p:%.8f' % (symbol, orderId, quantity, float(buyPrice)))
time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
print("order ID: %d" % (orderId))
self.order_id = orderId
wait_time = self.wait_time - self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK
startTime = time.time()
period = 0
flag = 0
while (period <= wait_time):
# time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
order = Orders.get_order(symbol, orderId)
if 'msg' in order:
endTime = time.time()
period = endTime - startTime
time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
continue
if order['status'] == 'FILLED':
print("future order SUCESS______")
self.order_id = 0
self.count = self.count + 1
# actionTrader = threading.Thread(target=self.futureOrder, args=(symbol, OrderSide.SELL, quantity))
# actionTrader.start()
return
endTime = time.time()
period = endTime - startTime
self.cancel(symbol, orderId)
self.order_id = 0
# self.action(symbol)
except Exception as e:
#print('bl: %s' % (e))
self.logger.debug('Buy order error: %s' % (e))
return None
def sell(self, symbol, quantity, sell_price):
'''
The specified limit will try to sell until it reaches.
If not successful, the order will be canceled.
'''
self.check_order()
try:
sell_order = Orders.sell_limit(symbol, quantity, sell_price)
time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
sell_id = sell_order['orderId']
self.order_id = sell_id
print("order ID: %d" % (sell_id))
# self.logger.info('Sell order create id: %d' % sell_id)
self.logger.info('%s : Sell order created id:%d, q:%.8f, p:%.8f' % (symbol, sell_id, quantity, float(sell_price)))
wait_time = self.wait_time - self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK
startTime = time.time()
period = 0
flag = 0
while (period <= wait_time):
# time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
order = Orders.get_order(symbol, sell_id)
if 'msg' in order:
endTime = time.time()
period = endTime - startTime
time.sleep(self.WAIT_TIME_CHECK)
continue
if order['status'] == 'FILLED':
self.order_id = 0
self.count = self.count + 1
print("future order SUCESS______")
# actionTrader = threading.Thread(target=self.futureOrder, args=(symbol, OrderSide.BUY, quantity))
# actionTrader.start()
return
endTime = time.time()
period = endTime - startTime
self.cancel(symbol, sell_id)
self.order_id = 0
# self.action(symbol)
except Exception as e:
#print('bl: %s' % (e))
self.logger.debug('Sell order error: %s' % (e))
return None
def cancel(self, symbol, orderId):
# If order is not filled, cancel it.
check_order = Orders.get_order(symbol, orderId)
if not check_order:
self.order_id = 0
return True
if check_order['status'] == 'NEW' or check_order['status'] != 'CANCELLED':
Orders.cancel_order(symbol, orderId)
self.order_id = 0
return True
def check_order(self):
# If there is an open order, exit.
if self.order_id > 0:
print("check order error")
exit(1)
def action(self):
#import ipdb; ipdb.set_trace()
info = client.get_account()
print(info)
exit(1)
print("action start_______________")
if self.count == self.split_count:
print("count filled finish")
exit(1)
# Order amount
quantity = self.quantity
# Order book prices
lastBid, lastAsk = Orders.get_order_book(symbol)
# Target buy price, add little increase #87
buyPrice = lastBid * 0.999
# Target sell price, decrease little
sellPrice = lastAsk * 1.001
if self.direction == 'buy':
# notional = self.quantity * buyPrice
tradePrice = buyPrice
else:
# notional = self.quantity * sellPrice
tradePrice = sellPrice
print('Calculated Trade Price(0.999 or 1.001): %.8f' % tradePrice)
if (tradePrice * 100000000) % (self.minPrice * 100000000) != 0:
if self.direction == 'buy':
tradePrice = int((tradePrice * 100000000)/(self.minPrice * 100000000))*self.minPrice
else:
tradePrice = (int((tradePrice * 100000000)/(self.minPrice * 100000000)) + 1)*self.minPrice
print('Rounded Trade Price: %.8f' % tradePrice)
# if notional < self.minNotional:
# self.logger.error('Invalid notional, minNotional: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (self.minNotional, notional))
# exit(1)
# if tradePrice < self.minPrice:
# self.logger.error('Invalid price, minPrice: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (self.minPrice, tradePrice))
# exit(1)
print("action start_______________3")
# Screen log
if self.direction == 'buy':
self.buy(symbol, quantity, tradePrice)
else:
self.sell(symbol, quantity, tradePrice)
print("action start_______________4")
def filters(self):
symbol = self.option.symbol
# Get symbol exchange info
symbol_info = Orders.get_info(symbol)
if not symbol_info:
#print('Invalid symbol, please try again...')
self.logger.error('Invalid symbol, please try again...')
exit(1)
symbol_info['filters'] = {item['filterType']: item for item in symbol_info['filters']}
return symbol_info
def futureFilters(self):
symbol = self.option.symbol
# Get symbol exchange info
symbol_info = Orders.get_future_info(symbol)
if not symbol_info:
#print('Invalid symbol, please try again...')
self.logger.error('Invalid symbol, please try again...')
exit(1)
symbol_info['filters'] = {item['filterType']: item for item in symbol_info['filters']}
return symbol_info
def validate(self):
# valid = True
symbol = self.option.symbol
filters = self.filters()['filters']
futureFilters = self.futureFilters()['filters']
minQty = float(filters['LOT_SIZE']['minQty'])
self.minPrice = float(filters['PRICE_FILTER']['minPrice'])
minNotional = float(filters['MIN_NOTIONAL']['minNotional'])
minFutureQty = float(futureFilters['LOT_SIZE']['minQty'])
minFutureNotional = float(futureFilters['MIN_NOTIONAL']['notional'])
quantity = float(self.option.split_amount)
amount = float(self.option.amount)
lastBid, lastAsk = Orders.get_order_book(symbol)
notional = lastBid * float(quantity)
lastFutureBid, lastFutureAsk = Orders.get_future_order_book(symbol)
futureNotional = lastFutureBid * float(quantity)
self.amount = amount
self.quantity = quantity
if amount < quantity:
self.logger.error('Invalid amount, splitAmount: %.8f, %.8f' % (amount, quantity))
exit(1)
if self.direction != "buy" and self.direction != "sell":
self.logger.error('Invalid direction. Should be "buy" or "sell": %.s' % (self.direction))
exit(1)
# minQty = minimum order quantity
if quantity < minQty:
#print('Invalid quantity, minQty: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minQty, quantity))
self.logger.error('Invalid quantity, minQty: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minQty, quantity))
exit(1)
if quantity < minFutureQty:
#print('Invalid quantity, minQty: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minQty, quantity))
self.logger.error('Invalid future quantity, minQty: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minFutureQty, quantity))
exit(1)
if notional < minNotional:
#print('Invalid notional, minNotional: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minNotional, notional))
self.logger.error('Invalid notional, minNotional: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minNotional, notional))
exit(1)
if futureNotional < minFutureNotional:
#print('Invalid notional, minNotional: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minNotional, notional))
self.logger.error('Invalid future notional, minNotional: %.8f (u: %.8f)' % (minFutureNotional, minNotional))
exit(1)
def run(self):
cycle = 0
actions = []
symbol = self.option.symbol
print('Auto Trading for Binance.com @vladyslav')
print('\n')
# Validate symbol
self.validate()
print('Started...')
print('Trading Symbol: %s' % symbol)
# print('Amount: %.3f' % self.quantity)
# print('Split Amount: %.3f' % self.quantity)
self.action() |
Modelling age-related metabolic disorders in the mouse
Ageing can be characterised by a general decline in cellular function, which affects whole-body homoeostasis with metabolic dysfunction—a common hallmark of ageing. The identification and characterisation of the genetic pathways involved are paramount to the understanding of how we age and the development of therapeutic strategies for combating age-related disease. Furthermore, in addition to understanding the ageing process itself, we must understand the interactions ageing has with genetic variation that results in disease phenotypes. The use of model systems such as the mouse, which has a relatively short lifespan, rapid reproduction (resulting in a large number of offspring), well-characterised biology, a fully sequenced genome, and the availability of tools for genetic manipulation is essential for such studies. Here we review the relationship between ageing and metabolism and highlight the need for modelling these processes.
Abstract Ageing can be characterised by a general decline in cellular function, which affects whole-body homoeostasis with metabolic dysfunction-a common hallmark of ageing. The identification and characterisation of the genetic pathways involved are paramount to the understanding of how we age and the development of therapeutic strategies for combating age-related disease. Furthermore, in addition to understanding the ageing process itself, we must understand the interactions ageing has with genetic variation that results in disease phenotypes. The use of model systems such as the mouse, which has a relatively short lifespan, rapid reproduction (resulting in a large number of offspring), well-characterised biology, a fully sequenced genome, and the availability of tools for genetic manipulation is essential for such studies. Here we review the relationship between ageing and metabolism and highlight the need for modelling these processes.
Ageing and disease
There is a clear link between age and susceptibility to a wide range of diseases and key among the age-related diseases that are rising in incidence is diabetes and metabolic syndrome. Ageing has specific consequences on mammalian physiology, but it also interacts with genetic variation to result in disease. There are clear genetic influences in the majority of age-related pathologies, and to fully understand disease, and how to treat it, we must understand these interactions and the influence have on the pathogenesis of these diseases ( Fig. 1).
Metabolism and ageing are inextricably intertwined: Reducing calorie intake has been demonstrated in a number of studies to improve longevity, with some additional benefits to health (Robertson and Mitchell 2013;Soare et al. 2014). These nutrient-sensing pathways appear to modulate ageing as a whole and reducing calorie intake activates target of rapamycin (TOR), and involves the sirtuin family of genes (Hall et al. 2013), resulting in an increased lifespan in several model organisms (Fontana et al. 2010;Kapahi et al. 2010;Hall et al. 2013). The intimate relationship between nutrient intake and longevity is now the subject of extensive investigations to identify potential health benefits of caloric restriction. However, whilst there are clear benefits in some model organisms, the health benefits of caloric restriction are less clear-cut in primates (Mattison et al. 2012;Colman et al. 2014), and thus the general health benefits to humans are still debatable. The level of calorie intake and its influence on ageing and health highlights the close link between metabolism and ageing, and given the range of changes in metabolism with ageing (Barzilai et al. 2012). It is clear that this link needs to be understood in greater detail. The interrelationship between the ageing process(es) and metabolism is emphasised by the increased longevity in mice with a deletion of the insulin receptor (IR) substrate 1 gene (Selman et al. 2008).
A clear distinction must be made between increasing lifespan and health span; the former being an increase survival time and the latter a concept reflecting the concerns of health care professionals and researchers whose major concern is disease. Increased longevity is not a panacea against all ills and long-lived individuals still succumb to common age-related disorders (Andersen et al. 2012). The increase in lifespan that the human race has experienced over the last few decades to centuries resulted in a greatly increased disease burden and thus we still need to address pathologies on an individual basis to improve the condition of elderly patients and alleviate symptoms of these diseases.
Insulin secretion, action and diabetes
Type 2 diabetes is the major metabolic disease associated with ageing populations, with incidence of disease typically occurring after 40 years and peaking between 60 and 74 years of age. The pathogenesis of type 2 diabetes is characterised by peripheral insulin resistance and impaired insulin secretion. Type 2 diabetes itself increases the risk for multiple other age-related diseases such as cancer, stroke, atherosclerosis, cardiovascular diseases (CVD), Parkinson's disease, nonalcoholic fatty liver disease (NA-FLD) and Alzheimer's disease (AD). Ageing in turn can pre-dispose to diabetes and impaired glucose tolerance (IGT) through effects on insulin secretion and insulin action. Many factors contribute to this observed decrease in insulin secretion in ageing, including age-associated loss of Sirt1-mediated glucose-stimulated insulin secretion (GSIS) (Ramsey et al. 2008), decreased beta-cell sensitivity to circulating incretins (Chang and Halter 2003), and ageassociated decrease in mitochondrial function and increased oxidative stress.
Defects in insulin secretion with ageing have been demonstrated in both rodents and humans. Rodent models have been utilised to demonstrate elegantly the inability of older animals to increase insulin secretion in response to increased insulin demand, which is driven by insulin resistance (van der Heide et al. 2006). Insulin secretion in the beta cell is the result of the uptake (via GLUT2) and metabolism of glucose , resulting in the generation of ATP (mainly in the mitochondria), closure of the ATP-sensitive potassium channels leading to membrane depolarisation and influx of calcium, a rise in intra-cellular calcium levels results in exocytosis of insulin granules. The age-related changes in this process and their relevance to IGT and type 2 diabetes will be discussed briefly.
Sensing and uptake of glucose by the beta cell are the first step in insulin secretion; glucose uptake in the beta cell is facilitated by the glucose transported GLUT2 with numerous studies demonstrating GLUT2 is essential for glucose uptake. Loss of pancreatic b-cell GLUT2 expression in humans is associated with hyperglycaemia and impaired GSIS (Ohtsubo et al. 2005). Age-associated decrease in the expression of GLUT2 has been demonstrated in rodent models (Ihm et al. 2007); however, reduced GLUT2 by itself cannot explain the reduction in GSIS in islets of Goto-Kakizaki (GK) rats (Ohneda et al. 1993). After uptake, glucose undergoes oxidation resulting in the generation of ATP, which in turn is required for insulin release. The oxidation of glucose is initiated by GCK which catalyses the first and rate-limiting reaction in glycolysis. Gene expression studies have shown GCK levels were significantly increased in healthy aged rats (Frese et al. 2007) suggesting a potential mechanism to overcome age-associated glucose intolerance and insulin resistance.
Increased ATP/ADP ratio in b-cells results in depolarisation of beta-cell membrane and extracellular Ca ? influx into the b-cell. These changes are mediated through ATPsensitive K ATP channels and voltage-gated Ca ? channels. Studies in islets from 24-month-old rats compared to 3-month-old islets showed that raising the glucose concentration from 3 to 5.6 and 16.7 mM had no effect on K ? efflux and significantly diminished net uptake of Ca 2? . These data suggest that the decreased insulin secretory response during old age is in part due to inadequate inhibition of K ? efflux and diminished net uptake of Ca 2? (Ammon et al. 1987). Elevation of cytosolic-free Ca 2? concentrations is required for the process of exocytosis of insulin which is the final step of insulin secretion. Insulin is Fig. 1 Major changes observed in important metabolic tissues due to ageing and their contributions to age-related disease stored in large dense core vesicles (LDCVs) or insulin granules and is released via exocytosis-a multistage process involving vesicle trafficking, docking and fusion with the plasma membrane.
Three main factors are involved with regulation of b-cell mass, proliferation and apoptosis of b-cells and islet neogenesis (differentiation of a progenitor cell or transdifferentiation of pancreatic non-b-cell to b-cell). However, bcell mass is mainly controlled by the balance of proliferation and apoptosis. It has been shown that age correlates with decreased proliferation and enhanced sensitivity to glucose-induced b-cell apoptosis (Maedler et al. 2006). In cultured islets from young (2-3 month old) rats, increasing glucose concentrations decreased b-cell apoptosis and increased b-cell proliferation, whereas in old (7-8 month old) islets, increasing concentrations of glucose resulted in a linear increase in b-cell death and a decrease in proliferation. b-cell mass can slowly expand in adult rodents in response to increased insulin requirements or during pregnancy (Parsons et al. 1992), with b-cell proliferation and the capacity of the b-cell to regenerate declining with age in mice (Tschen et al. 2009). Young rodents respond to a high-fat diet (HFD) by increasing b-cell mass maintaining glucose homoeostasis, whereas old mice by contrast do not display increases in b-cell mass or proliferation and become diabetic. Islet neogenesis that occurs during embryonic development and in very early post-natal life can lead to b-cell mass expansion and has been shown to be important in increasing b-cell mass in the adult during periods of increased insulin demand such as obesity (Butler et al. 2003). Although the potential for b-cell replication appears to decline substantially with age, the rate of islet neogenesis is not affected by ageing in humans (Reers et al. 2009).
Insulin action is the ability of insulin to bind to its receptors, the net physiological effect of which is (1) the regulation of glucose homoeostasis through increased glucose uptake and decreased hepatic glucose production (via decreased gluconeogenesis and glycogenolysis) and (2) increase in lipid synthesis in adipocytes and the attenuation of the release of free fatty acid (FFA) from triglycerides in fat. Insulin resistance results when circulating levels of insulin are insufficient to regulate these process appropriately and it has been well documented that ageing is associated with a decline in insulin action (DeFronzo 1981;Rowe et al. 1983;Chen et al. 1988) which is thought to directly contribute to the high prevalence of IGT and type 2 diabetes with age (Enzi et al. 1986;Harris et al. 1987). Increase of visceral fat (VF) levels with ageing has been implicated in insulin resistance, CVD and type 2 diabetes. Several studies suggest that VF increases throughout the lifespan of adults (independent of race or sex) and that increase is independent of increases in body weight (Borkan et al. 1983(Borkan et al. , 1985Enzi et al. 1986;Kotani et al. 1994). Experiments in which VF was extracted from 20-month-old Fischer 344 Brown Norway (FBN) rats prevented the progressive decrease in insulin action and delayed the onset of diabetes (Gabriely et al. 2002).
Impaired insulin action also leads to a marked increase in the rate of lipogenesis in adipose tissue and activation of hepatic gluconeogenesis in spite of already high circulating plasma glucose levels. This increased rate of lipolysis increases circulating FFA levels which exacerbates insulin resistance in the whole body. Lowering FFA levels overnight normalises insulin sensitivity in obese non-diabetic individuals and significantly improves insulin sensitivity in obese diabetic patients (Santomauro et al. 1999). High FFA levels may provide a unifying mechanism for insulin resistance in obesity, type 2 diabetes, lipodystrophy and ageing (Samuel et al. 2010).
Insulin resistance in the central nervous system (CNS) has been show to play an important role in regulating whole-body glucose metabolism. Like peripheral tissues (such as muscle, adipose tissue and liver), insulin signalling molecules such as the IR and its substrates (IRS) are universally expressed in the brain. Ablation of the IR in the CNS alone results in a more severe impairment in peripheral glucose homoeostasis that mice-lacking IR in the peripheral tissues (Koch et al. 2008). Studies have shown that intra-cerebroventricular administration of insulin was more effective at reducing food intake and body weight in 3-month-old rats than in 8-and 24-monthold rats, indicating the development of hypothalamic insulin resistance with age in Wistar rats (Garcia-San Frutos et al. 2007). An ageing-associated increase in central and peripheral insulin resistance could therefore contribute to diabetes.
Ageing and obesity
Obesity is one of the major risk factors for diabetes and metabolic disease, and fat distribution alters during the ageing process. Obesity is defined by body mass index , overweight is described as a BMI: 25-29.9 kg/m 2 and obese as a BMI has incorporated a specific metabolism screen. Males (approximately 50/pedigree) are tested in a longitudinal study with body composition, clinical biochemistry markers and glucose tolerance followed over the lifespan of the animals. Phenodeviants within pedigrees are SNP mapped to identify candidate regions and the causative mutation identified by whole-genome generation sequencing (WGS) of the founder G1 male. Gene identification without inheritance testing is paramount to the quick identification of causative genes in an aged mouse model. Body composition is measured with Echo MRI at 3, 6, 12 and 18 months, early time points are included to identify early onset obesity models which can be followed over the progression of disease and to identify onset of metabolic disease over the lifespan of the mouse. As expected fat mass increases with age, however, potential advantageous body composition genes can be identified in pedigrees where mice remain lean. Females in each cohort can additionally be tested if a body weight phenotype is identified within the males, to give additional statistical power. Body composition is expressed as absolute lean and fat mass in grams and can be used to identify mice with increased lean mass as well as increased fat mass. Data can also be expressed as percentage fat/lean mass to compensate for any observed differences in body size.
Fasted clinical chemistry analysis from tail bleeds is performed at 4, 7 13 and 18 (terminal) months of age. Routinely tests for fasted glucose and fructosamine (glucose homoeostasis), total cholesterol and triglycerides (lipid profile), ALT (liver function) and creatinine (kidney function) are performed at 4, 7, and 13 months, with a full biochemical screen performed on the larger terminal sample. Pedigrees with significantly elevated plasma glucose and/or fructosamine additionally undergo intra-peritoneal glucose tolerance (IPGTT) testing at 5, 8 and 14 months of age, with fasted plasma insulin levels also measured. Additional secondary phenotyping tests can be added to the screen if necessary in order to measure additional metabolic parameters, for example, whole-body oxygen consumption (Oxymax, CLAMs), food intake and activity measured and urine collected. Additionally, all mice with elevated plasma glucose enter vision screening. Additional biochemical tests can also be added to the primary screen for pedigrees with suspected renal or liver disease.
Summary
Ageing results in a series of defined physiological effects that impact on metabolism and has direct effects on other important processes either directly or indirectly resulting in disease. To better understand the pathogenesis of disease, it is important to incorporate the ageing physiology into studies and more importantly into models of disease.
Open Access This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License which permits any use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original author(s) and the source are credited. Fig. 2 A schematic of the breeding scheme for the Harwell Ageing Mutagenesis screen. C57BL/6 J males are ENU treated and breed to C3H/HeH females to produce G1s. G1 males are further backcrossed to C3H/HeH. G2 females are mated with their G1 founder to allow the identification of recessive mutations in the G3 generation, which enter the phenotyping pipelines. Each individual G3 mouse will carry a range of ENU-induced mutations that will be homozygous, heterozygous or wild type for any given mutation. Identifying multiple mice with the same phenotype allows the identification of the causative mutation by mapping as the ENU-induced mutations will only be present in regions of the genome derived from the founder (G0) strain, in this case C57BL/6 J |
import assert from 'assert'
import {CallContext, Result, deprecateLatest} from './support'
import * as v1055 from './v1055'
import * as v2028 from './v2028'
import * as v9111 from './v9111'
export class BountiesProposeBountyCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'bounties.proposeBounty' || this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'bounties.propose_bounty')
}
/**
* Propose a new bounty.
*
* The dispatch origin for this call must be _Signed_.
*
* Payment: `TipReportDepositBase` will be reserved from the origin account, as well as
* `DataDepositPerByte` for each byte in `reason`. It will be unreserved upon approval,
* or slashed when rejected.
*
* - `curator`: The curator account whom will manage this bounty.
* - `fee`: The curator fee.
* - `value`: The total payment amount of this bounty, curator fee included.
* - `description`: The description of this bounty.
*/
get isV2028(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('bounties.propose_bounty') === '6a012b4069a991972d0d3268cb20dfba3163919c325c7ebbe980b2dc15f1b1f5'
}
/**
* Propose a new bounty.
*
* The dispatch origin for this call must be _Signed_.
*
* Payment: `TipReportDepositBase` will be reserved from the origin account, as well as
* `DataDepositPerByte` for each byte in `reason`. It will be unreserved upon approval,
* or slashed when rejected.
*
* - `curator`: The curator account whom will manage this bounty.
* - `fee`: The curator fee.
* - `value`: The total payment amount of this bounty, curator fee included.
* - `description`: The description of this bounty.
*/
get asV2028(): {value: bigint, description: Uint8Array} {
assert(this.isV2028)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV2028
}
get asLatest(): {value: bigint, description: Uint8Array} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV2028
}
}
export class CouncilVoteCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'council.vote')
}
/**
* # <weight>
* - Bounded storage read and writes.
* - Will be slightly heavier if the proposal is approved / disapproved after the vote.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1020(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('council.vote') === 'f8a1069a57f7b721f47c086d08b6838ae1a0c08f58caddb82428ba5f1407540f'
}
/**
* # <weight>
* - Bounded storage read and writes.
* - Will be slightly heavier if the proposal is approved / disapproved after the vote.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1020(): {proposal: Uint8Array, index: number, approve: boolean} {
assert(this.isV1020)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV1020
}
get asLatest(): {proposal: Uint8Array, index: number, approve: boolean} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV1020
}
}
export class DemocracySecondCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'democracy.second')
}
/**
* Propose a sensitive action to be taken.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - One DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1020(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('democracy.second') === '7ac80a800d6686f21181e7b5b45c8949dc5b807bc6ec111188c7c6850a21b898'
}
/**
* Propose a sensitive action to be taken.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - One DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1020(): {proposal: number} {
assert(this.isV1020)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Signals agreement with a particular proposal.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_ and the sender
* must have funds to cover the deposit, equal to the original deposit.
*
* - `proposal`: The index of the proposal to second.
* - `seconds_upper_bound`: an upper bound on the current number of seconds on this
* proposal. Extrinsic is weighted according to this value with no refund.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: `O(S)` where S is the number of seconds a proposal already has.
* - Db reads: `DepositOf`
* - Db writes: `DepositOf`
* ---------
* - Base Weight: 22.28 + .229 * S µs
* # </weight>
*/
get isV2005(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('democracy.second') === 'abe1357aae784eefd21f6999076deb6cfbc92fcb9e80c21e93a944ceb739423c'
}
/**
* Signals agreement with a particular proposal.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_ and the sender
* must have funds to cover the deposit, equal to the original deposit.
*
* - `proposal`: The index of the proposal to second.
* - `seconds_upper_bound`: an upper bound on the current number of seconds on this
* proposal. Extrinsic is weighted according to this value with no refund.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: `O(S)` where S is the number of seconds a proposal already has.
* - Db reads: `DepositOf`
* - Db writes: `DepositOf`
* ---------
* - Base Weight: 22.28 + .229 * S µs
* # </weight>
*/
get asV2005(): {proposal: number, secondsUpperBound: number} {
assert(this.isV2005)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV2005
}
get asLatest(): {proposal: number, secondsUpperBound: number} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV2005
}
}
export class DemocracyVoteCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'democracy.vote')
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - One DB change, one DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1020(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('democracy.vote') === '3a01fd8d5e95145a311b99cf21decce5be8578650f311f3a6091395407f5efe9'
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - One DB change, one DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1020(): {refIndex: number, vote: number} {
assert(this.isV1020)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_.
*
* - `ref_index`: The index of the referendum to vote for.
* - `vote`: The vote configuration.
*
* # <weight>
* - `O(1)`.
* - One DB change, one DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1055(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('democracy.vote') === '6cdb35b5ffcb74405cdf222b0cc0bf7ad7025d59f676bea6712d77bcc9aff1db'
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_.
*
* - `ref_index`: The index of the referendum to vote for.
* - `vote`: The vote configuration.
*
* # <weight>
* - `O(1)`.
* - One DB change, one DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1055(): {refIndex: number, vote: v1055.AccountVote} {
assert(this.isV1055)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_.
*
* - `ref_index`: The index of the referendum to vote for.
* - `vote`: The vote configuration.
*
* Weight: `O(R)` where R is the number of referendums the voter has voted on.
*/
get isV9111(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('democracy.vote') === '3936a4cb49f77280bd94142d4ec458afcf5cb8a5e5b0d602b1b1530928021e28'
}
/**
* Vote in a referendum. If `vote.is_aye()`, the vote is to enact the proposal;
* otherwise it is a vote to keep the status quo.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be _Signed_.
*
* - `ref_index`: The index of the referendum to vote for.
* - `vote`: The vote configuration.
*
* Weight: `O(R)` where R is the number of referendums the voter has voted on.
*/
get asV9111(): {refIndex: number, vote: v9111.AccountVote} {
assert(this.isV9111)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV9111
}
get asLatest(): {refIndex: number, vote: v9111.AccountVote} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV9111
}
}
export class PhragmenElectionVoteCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'phragmenElection.vote')
}
/**
* Vote for a set of candidates for the upcoming round of election. This can be called to
* set the initial votes, or update already existing votes.
*
* Upon initial voting, `value` units of `who`'s balance is locked and a deposit amount is
* reserved. The deposit is based on the number of votes and can be updated over time.
*
* The `votes` should:
* - not be empty.
* - be less than the number of possible candidates. Note that all current members and
* runners-up are also automatically candidates for the next round.
*
* If `value` is more than `who`'s total balance, then the maximum of the two is used.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be signed.
*
* ### Warning
*
* It is the responsibility of the caller to **NOT** place all of their balance into the
* lock and keep some for further operations.
*
* # <weight>
* We assume the maximum weight among all 3 cases: vote_equal, vote_more and vote_less.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV9010(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('phragmenElection.vote') === '75939c25de1c96145b5d2d4bc8627a3fc22299f0e1f1f6f0709e54e884796bda'
}
/**
* Vote for a set of candidates for the upcoming round of election. This can be called to
* set the initial votes, or update already existing votes.
*
* Upon initial voting, `value` units of `who`'s balance is locked and a deposit amount is
* reserved. The deposit is based on the number of votes and can be updated over time.
*
* The `votes` should:
* - not be empty.
* - be less than the number of possible candidates. Note that all current members and
* runners-up are also automatically candidates for the next round.
*
* If `value` is more than `who`'s total balance, then the maximum of the two is used.
*
* The dispatch origin of this call must be signed.
*
* ### Warning
*
* It is the responsibility of the caller to **NOT** place all of their balance into the
* lock and keep some for further operations.
*
* # <weight>
* We assume the maximum weight among all 3 cases: vote_equal, vote_more and vote_less.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV9010(): {votes: Uint8Array[], value: bigint} {
assert(this.isV9010)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV9010
}
get asLatest(): {votes: Uint8Array[], value: bigint} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV9010
}
}
export class TreasuryProposeSpendCall {
constructor(private ctx: CallContext) {
assert(this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'treasury.proposeSpend' || this.ctx.extrinsic.name === 'treasury.propose_spend')
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - Limited storage reads.
* - One DB change, one extra DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1020(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('treasury.propose_spend') === 'd3901783e7ffe7cbf936f14df5ea28956c53356275248ae4f7a803fe5a6018ff'
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - Limited storage reads.
* - One DB change, one extra DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1020(): {value: bigint, beneficiary: never} {
assert(this.isV1020)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - Limited storage reads.
* - One DB change, one extra DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get isV1050(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('treasury.propose_spend') === '98e9af32f46010396e58ac70ce7c017f7e95d81b05c03d5e5aeb94ce27732909'
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - O(1).
* - Limited storage reads.
* - One DB change, one extra DB entry.
* # </weight>
*/
get asV1050(): {value: bigint, beneficiary: Uint8Array} {
assert(this.isV1050)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: O(1)
* - DbReads: `ProposalCount`, `origin account`
* - DbWrites: `ProposalCount`, `Proposals`, `origin account`
* # </weight>
*/
get isV2028(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('treasury.propose_spend') === 'c9f0fb5ad91e84a77c5f948f4140d239e238788ae3191c594dc1e6592472d5a7'
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: O(1)
* - DbReads: `ProposalCount`, `origin account`
* - DbWrites: `ProposalCount`, `Proposals`, `origin account`
* # </weight>
*/
get asV2028(): {value: bigint, beneficiary: v2028.GenericMultiAddress} {
assert(this.isV2028)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: O(1)
* - DbReads: `ProposalCount`, `origin account`
* - DbWrites: `ProposalCount`, `Proposals`, `origin account`
* # </weight>
*/
get isV9111(): boolean {
return this.ctx._chain.getCallHash('treasury.propose_spend') === 'ffef9f31e8ae5085e7c0a55a685daef52218f0bf7083015ac904dafceedf09ee'
}
/**
* Put forward a suggestion for spending. A deposit proportional to the value
* is reserved and slashed if the proposal is rejected. It is returned once the
* proposal is awarded.
*
* # <weight>
* - Complexity: O(1)
* - DbReads: `ProposalCount`, `origin account`
* - DbWrites: `ProposalCount`, `Proposals`, `origin account`
* # </weight>
*/
get asV9111(): {value: bigint, beneficiary: v9111.MultiAddress} {
assert(this.isV9111)
return this.ctx._chain.decodeCall(this.ctx.extrinsic)
}
get isLatest(): boolean {
deprecateLatest()
return this.isV9111
}
get asLatest(): {value: bigint, beneficiary: v9111.MultiAddress} {
deprecateLatest()
return this.asV9111
}
}
|
// gets the token value of a variable, after resolving.
Token Evaluator::getVariableValue(Token var, VariableScope& scope, bool searchCache) {
if (var.subtype() == VARIABLE) {
return this->getVariable(var.value(), scope, searchCache).value();
}
if (var.subtype() == LITERAL) return var;
return nullvalToken;
} |
/**
* Test if a package private method gives us 1.1 + namespace in the XML
* using bnd annotations
*/
@Component(name = "protected")
static class PackageProtectedActivateMethod {
@Activate
protected void activatex(@SuppressWarnings("unused") ComponentContext c) {}
} |
/*
* The component found a device and is querying to see if an INI file
* specified any parameters for it.
*/
int opal_btl_openib_ini_query(uint32_t vendor_id, uint32_t vendor_part_id,
opal_btl_openib_ini_values_t *values)
{
int ret;
device_values_t *h;
if (!initialized) {
if (OPAL_SUCCESS != (ret = opal_btl_openib_ini_init())) {
return ret;
}
}
if (mca_btl_openib_component.verbose) {
BTL_OUTPUT(("Querying INI files for vendor 0x%04x, part ID %d",
vendor_id, vendor_part_id));
}
reset_values(values);
OPAL_LIST_FOREACH(h, &devices, device_values_t) {
if (vendor_id == h->vendor_id &&
vendor_part_id == h->vendor_part_id) {
memcpy(values, &h->values, sizeof(h->values));
if (mca_btl_openib_component.verbose) {
BTL_OUTPUT(("Found corresponding INI values: %s",
h->section_name));
}
return OPAL_SUCCESS;
}
}
if (mca_btl_openib_component.verbose) {
BTL_OUTPUT(("Did not find corresponding INI values"));
}
return OPAL_ERR_NOT_FOUND;
} |
// NewSimulatedBackendWithDatabase creates a new binding backend based on the given database
// and uses a simulated blockchain for testing purposes.
// A simulated backend always uses chainID 1337.
func NewSimulatedBackendWithDatabase(database ethdb.Database, alloc core.GenesisAlloc, gasLimit uint64) *SimulatedBackend {
genesis := core.Genesis{Config: params.AllEthashProtocolChanges, GasLimit: gasLimit, Alloc: alloc}
genesis.MustCommit(database)
blockchain, _ := core.NewBlockChain(database, nil, genesis.Config, ethash.NewFaker(), vm.Config{}, nil, nil, nil)
backend := &SimulatedBackend{
database: database,
blockchain: blockchain,
config: genesis.Config,
events: filters.NewEventSystem(&filterBackend{database, blockchain}, false),
}
backend.rollback()
return backend
} |
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