def METHOD_NAME(bot, trigger):
    """Convert distances"""
    try:
        source = _extract_source(find_length, trigger)
    except (ValueError, TypeError):
        bot.reply("That's not a valid length unit.")
        return plugin.NOLIMIT
    unit = source[1].lower()
    numeric = float(source[0])
    meter = 0.0
    if unit in ("meters", "meter", "m"):
        meter = numeric
    elif unit in ("millimeters", "millimeter", "mm"):
        meter = numeric / 1000
    elif unit in ("kilometers", "kilometer", "km"):
        meter = numeric * 1000
    elif unit in ("miles", "mile", "mi"):
        meter = numeric / 0.00062137
    elif unit in ("inch", "in"):
        meter = numeric / 39.370
    elif unit in ("centimeters", "centimeter", "cm"):
        meter = numeric / 100
    elif unit in ("feet", "foot", "ft"):
        meter = numeric / 3.2808
    elif unit in ("yards", "yard", "yd"):
        meter = numeric / (3.2808 / 3)
    elif unit in ("light-year", "light-years", "ly"):
        meter = numeric * 9460730472580800
    elif unit in ("astronomical unit", "astronomical units", "au"):
        meter = numeric * 149597870700
    elif unit in ("parsec", "parsecs", "pc"):
        meter = numeric * 30856776376340068
    if meter >= 1000:
        metric_part = '{:.2f}km'.format(meter / 1000)
    elif meter < 0.01:
        metric_part = '{:.2f}mm'.format(meter * 1000)
    elif meter < 1:
        metric_part = '{:.2f}cm'.format(meter * 100)
    else:
        metric_part = '{:.2f}m'.format(meter)
    # Shit like this makes me hate being an American.
    inch = meter * 39.37
    foot = int(inch) // 12
    inch = inch - (foot * 12)
    yard = foot // 3
    mile = meter * 0.000621371192
    if yard > 500:
        stupid_part = '{:.2f} miles'.format(mile)
    else:
        parts = []
        if yard >= 100:
            parts.append('{} yards'.format(yard))
            foot -= (yard * 3)
        if foot == 1:
            parts.append('1 foot')
        elif foot != 0:
            parts.append('{:.0f} feet'.format(foot))
        parts.append('{:.2f} inches'.format(inch))
        stupid_part = ', '.join(parts)
    bot.say('{} = {}'.format(metric_part, stupid_part))