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i take my high energy border collie for daily walks. a few days ago i was discussing with my husband how strange i think it is when people come up and ask to pet my dog when we are out and about (always older, overly friendly women). sometimes these walks involve errands where i tie my dog’s leash to a bike rack out front.
this morning, we walked to the grocery store to pick up a few things and i left my dog tied securely at his usual spot. as i am heading inside, an older woman says to me, “what’s your dog’s name?!!” i though to myself oh shit i don’t want to engage with her, so i just gave her a short glance and told her and i raced into the store.
i spend 5 minutes inside the store, then come back out and see this woman holding my dog. she had completely untied him and moved him to a new spot. as i walk out i gave her the death stare and said “what are you doing?!” she explained that she thought the spot i left him in was too wet, so she wanted to move him to the other side of the building, then she couldn’t hook the leash up, so she just decided to wait with him til i returned.
i lost it on her outside of the store and told her to never touch my dog again or he may bite her and she should never move other people’s dogs without them knowing. it felt like i was witnessing a kidnapping.
now i feel somewhat guilty for yelling at her when she was probably just clueless and trying to help. aita for yelling/leaving my dog unattended when i know this behavior exists where i live? or, is she to blame for moving/touching my dog without permission? | aita for yelling at a lady who untied my dog while i was grocery shopping? | 4,702 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l9mdit/aita_for_yelling_at_a_lady_who_untied_my_dog/ | 2021-01-31 21:23:05 | i'm gonna go against the grain and say esh, but her much more than you.
her - this lady was 99% chance trying to steal your dog. that's why she asked the dog's name first...so she could call it by name and get it subdued to snatch it. you're very lucky you got her off guard by being quick, she probably thought you were doing a full grocery run.
you - for the love of god, never leave your dog tied alone outside an establishment where you can't glance out and see it! dogs get kidnapped all the time this way...all it takes is 2 minutes for someone to untie the dog and disappear around the corner. please don't risk your dog's safety like this. | esh
> i left my dog tied securely at his usual spot
maybe this is just my cluelessness about dogs talking but: this sounds like a *really*, **really** horrible idea.
sure, you shouldn't bring pets into stores, but i feel like you also maybe shouldn't leave them tied up, defenseless, all by themselves.
obviously this woman hugely overstepped boundaries, but i'm not loving how you created this situation in the first place. | final answer: **esh**
**\* \* \***
>sometimes these walks involve errands where i tie my dog’s leash to a bike rack out front.
y t a
i haven't read any further yet, but i will now. this is y t a to lose though, because of the above.
edit — i read the rest of it. she absolutely sucks for this:
>i spend 5 minutes inside the store, then come back out and see this woman holding my dog. she had completely untied him and moved him to a new spot.
i would have lost my shit about 1000 times more than you.
that being said, no way do i ever, and i mean ever tie my dog up and leave him anywhere. not for five minutes. not for one minute. never. i have two kids — my human kid, and my dog. (and a third on the way.) i don't understand how people think it is ok to leave one of their children alone and unattended. that woman absolutely could have kidnapped your dog. it happens all the time. even in places where you think it wouldn't. some people, looking to make a quick buck, will kidnap an animal, wait for the inevitable lost pet—reward signs to be posted, and then return the animal to get the payday. and those are the happy ending scenarios.
also — this:
>or he may bite her
i don't know if your dog is actually a biter, or you were just saying that to scare her. but if the former, then you are doubly the asshole, because then you actually put your dog's life in danger. i ask you to consider the (or a) worst case scenario: picture some little kid getting away from mom or dad, running up to your dog... you're not around to stop it. now you're being sued for negligence. for hospital bills. now you're in court. now you're trying to explain to a judge why it was ok for you to leave your dog, who bites, alone because...because why? you needed to pick up your dry cleaning?
i have a feeling your dog doesn't really bite and the above is all just hypothetical. but, imagine this: even if *your* dog doesn't bite, *other people's dogs do.* some dogs don't like other dogs. so what if you're not around, and some other dog attacks your dog (who is tied up and can't even get away).
i'm coming down hard on you, i know. i am a card carrying dog person, so, canine advocacy is in my blood.
please don't leave your dog tied up and alone anymore.
sending you a hug with this tough love. you seem sweet. xo | a coworker left her dog tied up outside the grocery store. dog got spooked by something, got out of the leash, was run over in the parking lot and died. don’t leave your dog unattended. yta. | esh of course you don’t untie and pick up someone else’s dog, she could have been anyone. but also you left you dog totally unattended an vulnerable in a public place and do so habitually. so eventually, something was bound to happen, i’m just glad it didn’t actually harm the pup. i’m curious why you find it strange that people ask you to pet your dog? that’s super common and it’s common knowledge that if you’re out and about with a dog people naturally will want to interact with it. it doesn’t seem to bother most dog owners so people ask. | esh - she shouldn't have touched your dog without permission, let alone untie and move him.
but you should not leave your dog unattended. he could be stolen, he could break free (and be lost, stolen or injured) or someone could be injured by it (i mean i'm a believer in "you touch a strange dog and get bitten, it's your fault" (in other words, always ask before petting a dog!) but he could easily have been spooked by something and lunged at someone. | yta
you shouldn’t leave your dog unattended especially outside and out of sight.
the woman shouldn’t have moved your dog but you shouldn’t have given her the opportunity. | yta don’t leave your pet tied up unattended. period. | esh but mostly y t a. you should never leave a dog tied up outside a store while you go in. especially a biter, because you will be liable for that.
. | esh: next time tell them not to mess with the dog.
why do you feel it is important to take the dog with you when you know you need to shop and tiring it to a spot is how you get your dog stolen.
the lady shouldn't have moved the dog but you also need to take more care and not leave your dog unattended, if you need to shop leave the dog at home then come back and take it on a walk. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.650945 |
my gf and i are visiting my hometown. we were a bit tired from the flight\* and trying to find a way to our hotel. my gf wanted to get a cab but it would be kinda expensive due to the distance and whatever surcharges from the airport. that's when i noticed an illegal cab driver waving at us. i hate illegal cabs with a passion so i was overly excited for this encounter. the driver put on this innocent show and deliberately welcomed the "tourists" so i played along. i pretended to not speak the language and only conversed with him in english. i kept asking him the typical tourist questions while keeping a close eye on the meter. every 2 minutes or so, he would put his hand under the steering wheel and flicked a button. the meter would jump every time he does this and i got more and more excited. we finally arrived to the "address" which was a block away from our hotel and right next to a police station. the fare was \~$80, double that of regular cab. i told the driver, in native tongue, that i would be happy to pay the fare inside the police station. he flipped me off and drove away. later that day, i filed a report form at the station with information from his business card. my gf was surprised and upset when she finally realized what was happening. she said that it wasn't right to trick someone to give us a free ride. aita?
​
\* | aita for "scamming" an illegal taxi driver? | 284 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ccg31n/aita_for_scamming_an_illegal_taxi_driver/ | 2019-07-12 20:20:01 | esh lol assholes meeting other assholes in the wild. | nta ... i can make peace with a unlicensed taxi. taxi permits are difficult and expensive in many places. however it's the padding of the bill which sealed this judgement.
i hope you'd have paid him normally if he hadn't tried to pad the fare.
however if your aim was to scam a free ride out of the cabbie regardless of the fare, then esh. | nta. if he doesnt want people ripping him off, maybe he shouldn't rip people off. i see nothing wrong with taking advantage of lowlife criminal scammers. | nta - because you offered to pay, in the police station.
how could anybody say yta? | nta, he broke the law and u offered to pay the right amount in presence of the law. | esh. you were right to turn them in to the police, but the fact that you benefited out of it makes this something other than "vigilante justice" | esh - the taxi driver sucks for trying to scam you and you suck for getting joy out of scamming the guy back. | nta. you gave a scammer what they deserved.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 | nta i can't believe all these people trying to defend a literal scam artist | esh (except your gf) dude i can't give you an explanation while staying civil. just take my vote and be gone with you. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 0.436738 | TOXIC | 0.977708 |
my 16f sister and i 14m were with some friends and family at a bbq and my sister then tells everyone a "hilarious" story about how i asked out my crush a few months ago and got rejected, it was horrible as my aunt forced me, yes she literally forced me, to get some flowers and ask her out in front of everyone. it was awkard and cringe and i wanted to do it myself. anyways it was a shit situation that i wanted to forget about and my sister decided to tell everyone. they were all laughing and it was so embarassing so i said "well you think that's bad, 3 motnsh ago when we were at del taco, my sister sharted herself, it was awful. she got shit all over the chairs and it stunk up the restaurant. she went to the bathroom and we waited until my mom bought her a new pair of pants at the walmart across the street"
everyone bursted out in laughter and my sister cried and ran away. some of the people there said i was so mean, and what i said took it too far but fuck that, what my sister did was uncool and she totally deserved it. my parents said i was "bullying" my sister and they're grounding us both. | aita for telling everyone my sister shat herself? | 522 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j6c43y/aita_for_telling_everyone_my_sister_shat_herself/ | 2020-10-06 19:48:37 | esh
i think each of you is being an ah but it made me laugh | esh. you're both clearly very immature. | esh but i don't blame you for telling the story to get the focus off of you. you are both really young and that sibling dynamic means sometimes you embarrass one another on purpose. | esh
she shouldn’t have made you feel embarrassed over something you were pressured to do, but you shouldn’t have embarrassed her by bringing up an accidental bodily function. it’s very obvious you’re both teenagers because you both have a lot of maturing to do. | i go with nta
she started the game, you played by her rules.
sometimes people need to learn the hard way that it feels like shit to be embarrassed for amusement in front of other people.
also: props to you for asking your crush out.
even if you feel like it was an embarassing outcome, you proved some balls! | esh, but also i can understand why she sharted herself at del taco. | nta
if you're gonna dish out the shit talk, then you better be ready to receive some as well.
fuck everyone here saying you're an asshole for sticking up for yourself, they would rather you be bullied to fit their black and white views on morality.
it will make her think twice before she tries to embarrass you again in the future. | esh she shouldn't have done that, but the story you told about her was worse; you're young, so, i get it, but from personal experience, i recommend that in the future, you laugh with her. for example, in this case, you could have laughed when your sister started telling the story and agreed with her and said something like, "yes, omg, it was so cringe, haha aunt forced me to get flowers and ask her out and i wanted the ground to swallow me whole, hahaha; like, *hello*, aunt, *of course* crush rejected me, that's not how asking people out works. boomers, right?"
like, own it, acknowledge how awkward it was, turn it around by saying how cringe it was that your aunt forced you to ask her out, mention the ignorance of boomers, and laugh at yourself. it is very important to learn to laugh at yourself, especially when it comes to stuff like this. you would have come out the winner here by basically taking over and telling the story yourself and laughing at how embarrassing it was. | nta
if she wants to tell a story that is deeply embarrassing about something you would rather forget happened, than she needs to be prepared for you to do the same to her. | esh. it wasn't fair of her to tell that story, and it wasn't kind of you to one-up in defense. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.977387 |
i m(26) have a condition that if severe make certain people disabled, and have been diagnosed with this quite recently. however, i am in no way in the group that could be described as disabled. for my own sake i'm barely noticing it at all. however, this had lead to a lot of people asking whether i need support, or should contact the state for help given to disabled people etc. services and support i by no means need.
a week or so ago a friend of mine (m30), who have another more severe problem, asked whether i've considered one of these types of state support. i got quite mad, and answered that "i've got not intention of using services for handicapped people, and i get quite mad when you ask about that." he answered that he had, and wanted my oppinion. notice that he asked if i needed it, not stating that he considered it. further, such a reaction apparently made med ableist, and showed how i looked upon those who need it. just so that it said, i by no means look down upon those who do need it, and have worked for groups attempting to strengthen these services. i just find offending that one should out of the blue ask if i'm considering without me ever having talked about, or in any way shown a need for it.
so, am i the asshole? | aita: saying i don't want services for disabled people | 341 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jx0pkp/aita_saying_i_dont_want_services_for_disabled/ | 2020-11-19 10:57:33 | eh, very light esh - you were projecting your (very reasonable) frustration with how everyone has been treating you on to him a bit. and he in turn, read too much in to what you said and saw an insult instead of personal frustration.
i don't think either of you are assholes in general, but i think you misunderstood each other in this situation and were influenced by pre-existing annoyance. | yta. it’s definitely an overreaction to “get quite mad” at your friends question.
considering the context, i though it was pretty clear he was bringing it up as a way to talk about his own needs as well as yours or your opinion. it’s a pretty normal way of starting a conversation.
it’s clearly on his mind, and he wanted your input or a general conversation about it, using you as a sounding board (which is part of what we need friends for). he was essentially coming to you for help, and you blew up on him.
that’s an asshole move.
i get that it’s a sensitive topic for you, and that’s okay. you don’t have to talk about it. but it’s not okay to take that out on a friend who didn’t do anything wrong by bringing up the topic. | yta and it sounds liek you have a good case of internal ableism. the support is there, you don't have to take it if you really don't want to, but you sound so judgemental for the people who do and you kicked off over what was basically a conversation starter. you have a poor view of disability and perhaps a very rigid medicalised/non-disabled view of it, instead of the more modern, social model view of it.
also, just because you don't need any support right now doesn't mean you won't need it in the future and with things like support of any kind, it's always good to be ready to get it just before you really need it, cos the last thing you need is to really need it and go through the process of getting it. just keep that in mind before you kick off again the next time someone dares suggest you get tools to improve your life. | this post is full of contradictions, which suggests that you're struggling with the news of this diagnosis, and how the diagnosis affects your own view of yourself. one minute the friend is asking if you've considered using this service (your words, op), and the next you say "note he asked if i needed it" which is quite a different thing. i think you might be projecting a little here.
you also say you don't look down upon people who need assistance, but are offended by the suggestion that you might need this assistance. so there's certainly some conflict there.
this is a soft yta for me, because you overreacted quite strongly to what seems to be an innocent enquiry. i would apologise to the friend and explain that you're feeling a little sensitive about this. | nah, i think. people, including people with medical conditions/disabilities, need to get a little bit better at appreciating that everybody’s experience with illness/disability is different. even well-intentioned advice and help can be very frustrating if it hits on something that’s become repetitive and negative for the person in question.
having said that, a less prickly response would probably still be better. it sounds like the people around you really are trying to help, so they’d probably be open to hearing better ways to help you, personally. i’m involved in a handful of communities involving medical conditions that can be a disability, or can be manageable. the more common experience that people have with a new diagnosis is that everyone around them expects them to get better in a couple of weeks and then loses interest when they don’t.
i get what you’re saying about being frustrated but don’t forget that your engaged, supportive network of loved ones are actually a gift. | i don’t think you handled the situation very well, and likely projecting your agitation onto your friend for asking if you use the services. obviously it feels more invasive than they meant, but you could also learn to curve that into some other emotion.
nta, but again, the situation could have been handled better. | yta. he asked a simple question and you erupted on him... yea yta.. next time have the discussion. | you're nta for not wanting or needing services. yta for the way you spoke to your friend. | nta. they may be just looking out for you, but you're an adult who can decide for themselves if they need to seek out services for their disability. they overstepped. | yta. i’m disabled and need those services, but as my shit is degenerative, i’ve been where you are too. just say you’re fortunate not to need the services and you want to make sure they’re available for those who do need them.
like you wouldn’t take a disabled parking spot, since you’re perfectly able bodied, you also wouldn’t *want* to use other resources. that’ll make sense to whoever is talking with you.
i get it, though. i get why you’re angry. people look down on those with disabilities, and tend to be condescending. they treat us like children.
it’s possible this was e-s-h, depending on what was said. just try to remember that they’re not being an asshole on purpose. there’s room there to educate, if you want. | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 0.599554 | BENIGN | 0.946479 |
i got a new job and i have this coworker (frankie) who works in a different department than me but we often work in the same area so we talk a lot.
i am openly and obviously a gay man. i don't really talk about it a lot, but it's something that many people (mostlyother gay people) can pick up on because of my voice, mannerisms, dress, etc.
so when i met frankie she clocked i was gay right away, and i just assumed she was also gay. partly because she dresses and acts like a butch lesbian, but also because she started calling me a faggot in a playful jokey way.
i don't have a problem referring to myself as a faggot, i'm all for reclaiming slurs and whatever. plus me and my gay friends call each other it all the time so i figured this was just more gay/lesbian solidarity. it did seem unprofessional, but she only said it when it was just the 2 of us so i figured it wasn't hurting anyone.
anyway, a few days ago, frankie mentioned her husband, and i was like "wait, you aren't gay?" and she was like no. and i was like "are you at least bi?" and she was like no i'm straight. and i'm like gagged. i'm like "i totally thought you were a lesbian!" and we laughed about it.
then the next day she called me a faggot again in a jokey way and i was like "oh don't call me that." and she was like "but i always call you that" and i was basically like "yeah i was fine with it when i thought you were also gay because of what i presumed were our shared experiences existing on the margins of socially acceptable sexuality, but that's a homophobic slur and it carries an entirely different context when it's being used by a straight person. and if you call me a faggot again, i *will* file a complaint with hr."
anyway she was pretty pissed about that one and basically called me a hypocrite (which i disagree with) and also accused me of being homophobic for assuming she was a lesbian just because of how she presented herself (which i also disagree with because i didn't actually assume she was a lesbian until she started dropping slurs, before that i was on the fence.)
so basically i think she's defs an asshole for using that slur so casually, but i wanna know if i'm also an asshole in this situation.
tl;dr my coworker calls me a faggot and i was fine with it cos i thought she was a lesbian. i found out she's not and got mad about it and she's pissed off of with me for perceived hypocrisy. | aita for not caring my coworker uses homophobic slurs until after i learned she was straight? | 1,827 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eqf1ry/aita_for_not_caring_my_coworker_uses_homophobic/ | 2020-01-18 10:54:36 | esh; no matter who is saying it, slurs of any kind should be avoided in the workplace. i know your post said it only happened when it was the two of you, but all it takes is someone not paying attention for a third party to walk in and get offended/someone gets reported. she shouldn't have been using that word, and you shouldn't have condoned it in the workplace no matter who was saying it. | you're not an asshole but you are an idiot to assume someone who used a homophobic slur must be gay and not a homophobe. | nta why would she think it was acceptable to go around calling people slurs (esp at work) and then being upset about it when they have a problem with it?? she sounds ridiculous and ignant . | nta, i'm a lesbian, there's an unwritten rule about slurs that us gays understand, as you well know. it's cool from our people but not when straight people do it. | nta. she's calling you a slur and you were comfortable with it under the pretense of you believing she was part of lgbtq+. from what it sounds like she came up to you and started calling you it as a nickname as soon as she got alone time with you. if this is the case then she's just an asshole and found a place where she can stretch her homophobia toes. | nta. i'm gay and feel the exact same way, so do a lot of minority groups. for the record, she is a complete freak for thinking she can get away with saying the f word so casually at work. my god, what does this woman say when she's on her time off?? | nta, it sounds like you were very reasonable in explaining it to her. definitely an asshole thing to go around calling people slurs (especially at work... even if she was gay.) | nta
just like there's no n word card for white people, there's not f word card for straight people | nta. a lot of minority groups reclaim words. i use words like queer and i wouldn't be comfortable with a straight person calling me queer, but if someone who seemed friendly and jokey called me that, i'd assume good intent and therefore read them as queer too. it's not your fault this person happened to present a lot of the identifiers we use among ourselves to find our people. in fact it must've sucked to realise this whole time you've been laughing along with someone's homophobia. i'm sorry op. you did the right thing to speak up to her. | nta. you shouldn’t have assumed her sexuality based on stereotypes but realistically it’s something a lot of people do. it’s unacceptable for her to use that kind of derogatory language. me and my queer friends use it sometimes, but when you’re queer, it’s a way of reclaiming a slur and has a very different context. and even then a lot of times queer people i meet still clarify and say ‘hey, i use this to refer to myself as a joke but if it makes you uncomfortable i won’t use it around you’ and that’s what i do around new people i meet too, because we know that everyone’s experiences with homophobia are different and even though i’m fine with calling myself a dyke, the girl raised in a homophobic catholic household might associate the word with trauma rather than empowerment.
you have every right to ask someone not to use derogatory slurs to refer to you. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.778225 | BENIGN | 0.995194 |
my significant other (27f) and i (28m) have been together for 3 years. we started talking about marriage a year ago, looking at rings, etc. we had planned a vacation to coincide with our anniversary and i figured that would be a nice way to propose. she knew i planned on proposing this year and we’ve already even started planning on our wedding. she just knew that how i would propose would be a surprise or so i thought. i did tell my brother how i planned it out for our trip. then when i was out with a buddy, he mentioned a specific part of my proposal. i had only told my brother how i planned on proposing so i asked how he knew. he said that his wife told him. his wife is best friends with my so. i pressed a bit further and my friend admitted that my so had snooped through my phone because she had a feeling i was going to pop the question on the trip and wanted to “be prepared”. we have each other’s passwords because we really have no secrets, but i was upset because i told her that i wanted this to be a surprise.
so, i decided to change how i was going to propose. i didn’t make her wait, but instead did it earlier and proposed after one of our excursions on the vacation, rather than after a romantic dinner. it was still in private and in my opinion, pretty romantic. she was happy and said yes, but for a bit afterwards i could tell she was a bit confused. she kept saying “wow, i wish i had moved up my nail appointment” and other things like that. i guess she had planned to get her nails done for the proposal she had read about. i said she could still get them done and i could take more pictures after.
the night i was originally going to propose, she said “i really thought you were going to propose tonight. it’s our anniversary, this is a nice restaurant. i’m happy you proposed when you did, i’m just surprised.” i said “i changed when i was going to, because i know you read the original plan and i wanted to surprise you.”
she got quiet and didn’t say much the rest of the night. the following morning, she told me that i was “cruel” and that i had “punished her”. i said that she shouldn’t have gone through my phone for that purpose and i didn’t do it to punish her, just to still give her a surprise. she tried to justify that she had a certain way she wanted to look and be presented in pictures and i said “you could have told me that and i would’ve arranged everything around that. but instead, you snooped.” the fight was dropped and we’re fine now.
when i told some other friends about this, they thought it was an ass move. was it? | aita for changing how i was going to propose because my so snooped on my original plan? | 351 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f115yl/aita_for_changing_how_i_was_going_to_propose/ | 2020-02-09 01:15:22 | esh. i hope this isn’t an indication of how you guys communicate on the regular because....yikes.
she shouldn’t snoop. that’s wrong. but if she didn’t want to be surprised, you should’ve talked to her about it, instead of insisting on making it a surprise because that’s how **you** wanted it to go.
it does read a little like you “punished” her by catching her off guard to teach her a lesson about snooping, when you should’ve just addressed it with her beforehand. | nta...why do people care so much about making everything instagram worthy?
she should have just been happy that you put in all that effort and proposed...i will never understand needing to make things like this into a production. | esh. at no point did either of you ever think to stop and talk about this?
she knew you wanted it to be a big surprise and she snooped because she was uncomfortable with that. you learned she snooped because she's uncomfortable about it and instead of talking to her, you change the plans and do the thing you know she's super uncomfortable with.
now you both have to live the rest of your lives with the memory of a proposal you both didn't *really* want because you couldn't just talk to each other.
i hate this word but... yikes | nta - the most important thing is that you proposed, not how you do it. if you two are planning to be together for a long time then how you proposed shouldn’t be that important imo. you have the right to be a little upset that she went through your phone to find out something you were trying to surprise her with, but that’s ultimately not a huge deal. saying what you did is cruel is out of line in my opinion, does it really matter if you did it earlier than she expected?
this is just my opinion but if my so proposed to me i would just be really happy and wouldn’t really care how it happened but the fact that someone wanted to marry me. hope you guys can sort it out amicably. | nta. people are assuming that she doesn't like surprises, but op never said that. | nta. not mush of a surprise if they know aboot it. changing it up is what i would have done too | to quote my reply on another comment(i'm too tired right now to re-write it)
>i don't get your logic here. he wasn't trying to "catch her off-guard". if he addressed it with her before, it wouldn't be a surprise- which was a key element of the proposal.
>
>i don't see how op wanted to "punish" her, nor how it was a punishment at all. he wanted a surprise; she snooped, she was an ass, he rearranged his plans accordingly to retain the element of surprise. nta.
nta, in case it doesn't count in the quote block. | esh- she shouldn't have snooped through your phone. but she also didn't want a surprise proposal and you sprung one on her.
also on the nails thing- it's vanity sure. but when my best friend got engaged her partner sprung it on her and her nails were pretty ragged looking because she hadn't had a chance to fix them up. they took a picture and everyone at her work place commented on how awful her nails looked. she's told me that she really regrets not having her nails done before pictures because of all that flack.
also seriously sometimes people just want to look nice in photos that they know will be shared to their entire family and friends, likely over and over again. people are allowed to want to look nice in situations like that it doesn't mean they're awful image obsessed people. | nta. honestly, if i found out that my so went through my things rather than just, you know, talking to me i'd be reconsidering the proposal altogether, so props to you on that. | nta. if she knew you would be proposing, she could have communicated to you like an adult that she would prefer it not be a surprise and would like to know what day you would be proposing on so she could make sure she looked exactly how she pictured. you could have told her the day, she could have been ready, and you still could have had a slight surprise with the exact time/plan. many, if not most, proposals are at least partial surprises so it’s unreasonable to expect you to think she wants to know exactly when it will happen unless she tells you. | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.989263 |
i (22m) recently got engaged and my mil (37f) is a piece of work. she’s nice but overbearing, she’s a teen mom to my fiancé (22f) so they were always really close growing up and got kind of codependent. we’re currently living with her for a few months while we’re working to get our own place and it’s gotten tough.
she’s fine, i guess, i’m not too fond of her but whatever. the one problem is that she constantly tells me, over and over, to call her “mom” because she’s my mother now. i have a mother myself and i love her more than anything. i’ve reserved the mantle of “mom” for her and nobody else and i’ve made this clear to my mil a hundred times. she keeps on saying “but now we’re a family! you’re my son.”
no, i’m not. and she just won’t understand. the other problem is she keeps on trying to act like my mom. the other day i was sick and she told me to go put on my jacket. i said i was fine, i don’t want to overheat but she kept saying put it on and finally yelled i have to respect her. another time i went out drinking with a couple buddies and she called my phone at 11pm and told me to be back home by midnight. i was weirded out and asked what was wrong and she said nothing but they have a 12am curfew and i can’t stay out after that. i said i’d try to make it on time and came home at 1am. she told me that was disrespectful and get this, tried to take my phone. i snatched it away and said i was an adult, i can come and go as i please. she started yelling i was under her roof and had to go by her rules. i ignored her and went upstairs and then my fiancé yelled at me for not listening to her.
the next day she’s all smiles and i go down to eat some breakfast and she’s made pancakes for my fiancé and i. i’m allergic to chocolate (an allergy she’s constantly saying for me to get over, “all kids love chocolate don’t be such a baby”) and she has a special chocolate chip pancake recipe. i make myself cereal and she goes eat this. i say no mil, i’m allergic. she says, “first of all ‘mom’, not mil, and second i’ve told you to stop being so childish like that! man up over your allergies, you should grow out of it already.”
i looked at her and just started screaming. it was something along the lines of, “okay, no, i will never call you mom. you’re a horrible mom, helicoptery, and insane. i’m allergic, get that into your skull, and you’re not my mom! please, holy jesus christ, leave me the fuck alone.”
i storm out, while at work i get a novel of a text from my fiancé saying i was childish and disrespectful and immature and i made her mom cry and and i had to apologize to her immediately. i responded no fucking way and i’ve crashed at a friend’s place. he’s happy to let me crash but says it is her house her rules and i shouldn’t have screamed at her. what do you guys think? | aita for screaming at my mil that i’ll never call her “mom”? | 2,281 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f2sk97/aita_for_screaming_at_my_mil_that_ill_never_call/ | 2020-02-12 15:08:49 | esh. don't get me wrong, your mil is *definitely* the biggest asshole here...but screaming "you're not my mom!" at her doesn't exactly help in terms of getting her not to see you as a child. and your fiancee(? wife?)'s lack of support is a problem, too: she needs to be setting boundaries with her mother, not standing by while you get more and more frustrated until you explode. the sooner you two can move out, the better. | nta she is helicoptery. plus, allergies are real, and having a nut allergy myself, would die if i had to eat but pancakes or something. | nta. your mother in law and fiancé are both assholes. sounds like it’s time to have a serious conversation with your fiancé as to her mother’s role in your lives and what is appropriate and what isn’t. this seems unlikely to get any better once you’re married. | esh. just everyone. absolute dumpster fire of familial relationships here, including how you are behaving. | this is the clearest case of esh i’ve ever seen. | uffda, there's a lot to unpack here
from what i can tell, folks frequently call their inlaws mom or dad. *i* don't but it's never been an issue. i don't think it'd be that big a deal to follow her wishes but since it seems a big deal to you i also do not think she should insist. yes, in her house, her rules govern but she also needs to understand that you are an adult and married (presumably, you keep referring to your fiance), so y'all need to probably sit down and come up with compromise rules. or you need to move out. finally, yes, her actions are weird, but yelling at her, in her house, then storming out and presumably abandoning your wife/fiance is kinda ahish.
i'm going with esh. y'all want to be adults, act like it. | nta - she's being kinda infantilising, isn't she? sounds badly codependent with your fiancee too.
might i direct you to r/justnomil for some advice should you want it? | esh. her for being overbearing and ridiculous, and you for screaming at her like a toddler while living in her house. | esh - whilst you are your own person unfortunately if you live under the roof of your mother in law and she for whatever reason doesn't want you coming in late then you have to listen to that. it's her house and her rules no matter what your age. if you don't like it then move out. in regards, to her asking you to call her mum, that is unreasonable and she is being an asshole. you don't have to call her mum and she doesn't need to act like your mum either. you can't just 'get over' allergies either so that was pretty idiotic from her part. you are also an asshole for screaming at her and making her cry no matter how frustrating things are. she does sound very very difficult to be around but you must've known this when you met your fiance and then on top of that choose to move in. it sounds like you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her and your fiance on why you calling her mum makes you feel uncomfortable and they should respect that. judging from the relationship your fiance has with her mother i would suggest you keep at least some form of civil relationship with your mil because it sounds like so long as your with your fiance, your mil will always be in your life. | nta - she is crazed about the allergy thing does she not understand how an allergy works, but i feel you man my stepdad feels the need for me to call him dad when noone other than my dad will ever get that title you're an adult and its your choice maybe you need to have a talk with your fiance on the situation because with how mil is acting its tottaly out of proportion, i mean trying to take your phone it makes me feel like she misses having a kid to torture and needs to get pregnant again. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 0.436738 | BENIGN | 0.634044 |
my parents and their siblings immigrated here from india and are fairly stereotypical indian parents with high expectations.
my cousin didn’t meet said expectations. she nearly failed out of high school and now at 20 is going to community college. i don’t think going to community college is inherently a bad thing— if you don’t have money or do have it and just want to save it, or if you need to stay close to home, it’s a great option. however, if you literally almost fail out of high school and have to go to cc because nobody else will accept you, that’s another matter. so what i’m saying is, i don’t look down on community colleges, i just think it’s bad she almost failed out of high school. *high school.*
anyhow, over the weekend i received a likely letter (basically a guarantee that you’re going to be admitted to a college before acceptances are officially send out) from nyu stern, my dream school. we had a family zoom session to ‘celebrate’ (i personally don’t like being paraded around for their clout, but if it makes them happy, i’m cool with that).
my cousin was making a lot of stand-offish comments. i recognized she was jealous because when we were young she always wanted to get into a prestigious college and have people praise her. and she didn’t get that, and i am.
anyhow, it was annoying how she kept derailing everything with her petty comments, so i told her if she had something to say, she should just say it. she said i was a ‘clone with no personality’ and a ‘lack of original thought’. basically she was saying i couldn’t think for myself and was just a sheep following indian parents’s expectations.
this annoyed me, so i just pointed out that it was funny she *wanted* to be where i was today, with good grades and an acceptance to a good college. she just couldn’t get in. so she wanted to be ‘a sheep’, she just failed, and if being a sheep is so bad, how bad must one be to fail at that? i finished off with saying she was trying to be edgy and alternative and ‘woke’ but was just doing that to mask the fact she failed.
this caused her to start crying and storm off (she couldn’t leave the zoom because her parents were on it with her). my parents think i was too harsh, but her parents think she started it.
aita? | aita for calling my cousin a ‘wannabe edgy failure’? | 253 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jvji7a/aita_for_calling_my_cousin_a_wannabe_edgy_failure/ | 2020-11-17 01:10:14 | esh. your condescension towards people who don’t do well in high school is messed up (and i say this as someone attending a prestigious school). her taking a different path and not prioritizing high school grades doesn’t make her lesser. you both suck because you both resorted to personal attacks. but it seems to me that you’re punching down, while she’s punching up, which makes you the bigger ah in my opinion. that being said, she shouldn’t have entered the call at all if she couldn’t at least fake being happy for you. | esh what's wrong with you? do you need to put down and judge other people to feel better? man i really hope you get to feel superior to everyone outside your little pawn because if you don't your fragile ego will fucking shatter. | esh and i get you got history with this cousin but you really gotta open your mind up when it comes to how you view cc and people struggling with school | esh - you were both being incredibly rude to each other and you're being condescending. | esh you're an asshole but so is she | yta. you sound pretentious as hell. your cousin, while immature, will most likely grow up. you seem like you’ll always be an a snob. what she said wasn’t even so bad, and from the post it sounds accurate. you went straight for the attack on her. being lazy in high school isn’t a matter of being edgy. also, people change from what they wanted in childhood. you were easily the crappy one in this situation. | indian here and... *barely* esh imo...
yeah, she's trying to be edgy and she's pretty hypocritical and all...
but:
>i just think it’s bad she almost failed out of high school. high school.
i'm in 11th (cs if it matters) and i can see how and why people fail out of high school. you are condescending af. your **me smort, others domb** attitude is exactly why nerds, if not above average, students get a bad rep. that attitude of yours is the culmination of everything people hate about nerds... | esh
but mostly leaning on you being ta.
you don’t like to be paraded around, but that’s what you are doing here on reddit. blowing your own trumpet about your college acceptance, and trying to belittle your cousin further on a public forum(irrespective of it being anonymous).
and your cousin didn’t need to say this in front of all family but i guess the emotions got the better of her and judging by your condescending attitude in your comments towards people who have a harder time finishing high school, i’m sure you gloated enough on the zoom call to provoke her. | esh
yikes | esh
your family sounds like it is super toxic and has fucked both you and your cousin up. y’all need therapy | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.653829 |
i work full time and my wife, by her own choosing, is a sahw. i dont earn that much, but we're getting by. for our area we're considered lower middle class. our agreement was i would earn all of the income and manage all of our finances...while she would take care of all of the cooking, household chores, and childcare once (if) we have kids.
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my bmi was already in the obese range coming into 2020. then i put on an extra 20lbs after a 5 month quarantine. my wife is even fatter than me. i've been looking into the mortality rate of those that catch covid and its seriously alarming. i showed this information to my wife and we both agreed that we **must** lose weight. we decided that we would go on 2 mile walks together hopefully 5x a week, we would cut out all fast food, and all sugary drinks (which i don't drink anyway but she does) while only consuming a max of 2000 calories per day. we started 3 weeks ago and i have lost 10lbs while my wife has lost 3lbs.
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this week i decided i wanted to get a little more aggressive and cut out carbs as much as i could. i asked my wife if she was interested in joining me, but she declined, which is fine. low carb diets aren't for everyone. 80% of the time she cooks a meat and veggie with every meal so this isn't much of an issue. i worked a double today and when i came home i see she made spaghetti bolognese which is my absolute favorite. i was a bit miffed though because obviously i can't eat it. i asked her if she made anything i could eat and she said, "yeah...i made spaghetti bolognese, which you are welcome to eat" which felt kinda rude because obviously i'm capable of digesting that, but it will completely ruin my diet cause its so carb heavy.
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i told her from now on she needs to think of my diet needs as well when she cooks. she could have easily just made a bunch extra meatballs and i would have eaten those by themselves. she told me she's not my personal chef. i told her i'm not asking her to be, i'm just saying cook what you normally cook, but cook extra of whatever is low-carb from that meal and i'll just eat that. she said she'll cook whatever she wants and if i choose not to eat it then thats on me. i reminded her of our agreement and that its her job to cook. i reminded her about how last year i picked up more hours to earn extra money to pay for something she really wanted. what if i had told her "i make what i make, if you need extra money then thats on you"? she said its not the same thing (she wanted braces). i told her i feel like its the exact same thing. and if we're gonna act like "every man for himself" then don't forget about the 2nd half of the idiom...which is "and the devil will take the hindmost" cause i'm damn sure not gonna be the hindmost. i ended up going to the grocery store and buying a pre-made salad, but its almost midnight and we're still not speaking. | aita for insisting my sahw cook me special meals because i'm on a diet? | 102 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ir7d65/aita_for_insisting_my_sahw_cook_me_special_meals/ | 2020-09-12 06:12:42 | you guys need couples therapy, not a discussion here. of course you need to look after your health, but you need to agree between you how to handle that. it sounds like you just ordered her to fix her cooking for you. if we need a judgement, esh for not communicating properly. | nta because of the agreement you two have. saying she’ll cook whatever she wants is quite a strong statement. is something else going on here? is she worried or intimidated by the changes you are making and almost self sabotaging and well as perhaps subconsciously trying sabotaging your diet. is she worried that she hadn’t got the willpower to change and isn’t going to try and doesn’t want you to change either? there’s a lot potentially going through her head here. more than just being bloody minded and unfair. might be worth some long conversations with her, some reassurance and support too? is she finding this all very hard?
in the meantime, good for you. well done for finding the motivation to change. | i'm gonna go with an esh. she sucks for not considering your needs and just making small adjustments. but you also suck for the way you reacted to it, being all demanding and saying it's her job to cook within your diet. you needed to communicate that expectation and honestly, be nicer and more appreciative of what she does for you without resorting to throwing around it being your money.
you were still losing weight, and honestly /a lot of weight/ for the time frame you have been doing this. | i really want to say that you’re the ah, but you’re completely reasonable. you’re not asking her to cook a second dinner or change her meal plan, just cook more of the protein. that seems to be a reasonable request.
nta | nta- your wife technically isn’t your personal chef, but she agreed to do all the cooking as she’s a sahw and you both agreed that you would lose weight. and she knew you wanted to cut out carbs and she still didn’t make you a meal you could eat. she could’ve made the spaghetti bolognese and something else for you like chicken and veggies or a salad. there are plenty of easy low-carb meals that can be made. and she doesn’t have kids to take care of so there’s no reason why she shouldn’t have time to make you something that aligns with your diet. if your wife says something like “i’m not your personal chef” again, tell her that the food she is making was bought with the money you made. therefore, you get a say in what should be done with the food that was spent with your money. | normally i’d say the one with the non-medical special diet should have to cook themselves, but you had an agreement that she’s choosing to ignore, even after what you’ve done for her. you’re nta op, and i’d seriously reconsider the whole arrangement and have her pick up some more fiscal responsibilities. | i’m torn here. basically, i think you’re nta although your tone could have been better. you can’t “insist” to a grown person.
i see her point that she’s not a short-order cook but i don’t think you’re asking for much. spaghetti bolognese is a carb-bomb. if you’re on a low carb diet or keto, you can’t eat that.
truthfully, it kind of sounds like she’s trying to sabotage you, whether she’s conscious of it or not. when you both calm down, you should have another talk — this time, without any demands on your part. try and find out why she’s so reluctant to help you. is she afraid you’re going to get too good looking and get hit on?
the bottom line is that you help people you’re supposed to love and i don’t think it’s a big deal for her to help you. but, even if she doesn’t, don’t give up your lifestyle changes. keep at it! ten pounds already is a lot! | nta you guys had an agreement and you're trying to get healthy, it's not like you're just being rude or picky. if she's home all day with no kids she definitely has time to accommodate both of your diets. | yta
dude, i get it. i'm obese myself, and currently working with a local government program to make lifestyle changes and get me out of that category. i'm also a stay-home mum who does all the cooking.
you have gone hard at the weightloss without considering whether or not the changes you're making are sustainable long-term. you don't have to lose weight fast, you just need to lose it. 10 pounds in 3 weeks is decent, but it's not a sustainable rate of loss. i started at 119kgs (about 262 pounds) a little over a year ago. if my scales were accurate yesterday morning, i'm now 105. that works out around half a pound per week. and all i've done, really, is ditch the soda from my life, and i've reduced the junk food (and am doing their course on non-hungry eating, so hopefully that'll reduce further in the near future). i haven't exercised more since like.... a year ago (aussie. we were blanketed in bushfire smoke from november to late february, then covid lockdown, a cold, wet winter, and presently a nasty virus of some kind have not helped).
you then decided that wasn't enough, and declared you were doing low-carb after just 3 weeks and now you're demanding your wife adjust her cooking just for you.
pull your head out of your ass, sit down and really think about what you're doing. | nta. agreement aside, this was a conjoined effort for both parties. you didn't feel like she was holding her end of the deal in your goals to lose weight. if anything you felt miffed because she just didn't give a damn about your efforts.
on the flip side, through your frustration, i get where you're coming from. however from what you posted, cooking "extra" doesn't seem like a wise financial plan. instead discuss running through the food you have more, and the next time you go shopping you both plan meals that assist with the weight loss goals.
she might be a sahw and you're the breadwinner, but a team is a team. you can't get upset because that's what she made for dinner, if that's all she had. you get what i saying? talk it out. work together so that this doesn't happen in the future and causes strain on both parties. | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 0.589572 | BENIGN | 0.977446 |
for about a year and a half, i had feelings for my friend from uni. we hung out a lot and did a lot of “couple things”, such as cuddle and hold hands and stuff, but never anything more. anytime i would ask her out, she would decline and say she wasn’t looking for a relationship right now. totally understandable.
a month and a half ago, i met another girl and immediately fell for her. we started a relationship. during this time, me and my friend stopped talking as much. we would still run into each other at school and say hey and occasionally text but nothing like before.
about a week ago she waited for me at my car and confronted me, asking me why i was avoiding her and not treating her how i used to. i told her the truth, that i was in a relationship now. she said something like “i thought you liked me?” and i told her that i did, but she never seemed interested so i backed off and moved on. she seemed to accept it and that was that, but then she texted me later in the day that she liked me a lot and that she didn’t expect me to just give up on her, etc. she said i should at least give us a chance before being with someone else.
the other day, she texted me and invited me to go out with her and some friends, and when she told me who was going, it sounded like it was like a triple date kind of thing, with us being the third couple. not wanting to be paired off with the girl who rejected me for a year and a half and only suddenly showed interest in me when i’m no longer available, i asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go out with me and some friends, she said sure, so i texted back my friend that i’d be there.
last night was the outing and i showed up with my girlfriend. my friend was left being the odd man out and spent the entire night being clearly upset. she spent the night being pissy while looking at her phone. she texted me in the middle of dinner “i didn’t think you’d bring her. i invited you, not her”, but i didn’t care. it was shitty of her to try to force us into a date-like situation when she knows i’m taken now.
when we were in the car to leave, my girlfriend called the situation before i could even say anything, and said i was an asshole for dragging her into it. she said i should’ve just declined the invite and that she felt bad for my friend because i embarrassed her in front of her friends. i didn’t think she’d side with a girl who was actively trying to make me leave her but she did.
i really liked my friend. for a year and a half and she never seemed interested in me the way i was in her, which is fine. but now that i have someone else, she suddenly has feelings and wants me. it’s super shitty on her part. but now she’s mad, and my girlfriend’s mad, and yeah, it would’ve been more mature just to not go, but i don’t think what i did was that bad. what my friend is/was doing is much worse.
so, aita? | aita for bringing my new girlfriend on a “date” with me and another girl? | 61 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/az2uml/aita_for_bringing_my_new_girlfriend_on_a_date/ | 2019-03-09 12:05:44 | esh, apart from your girlfriend who ended up being forced into an uncomfortable situation because you didn't just refuse.
you should have made it clear to your friend from the moment she confronted you that you were happy with your relationship and wouldn't give her a chance a this moment. | yta.
a week ago this girl told you that she wanted a relationship with you. that isn't something you can ignore a week later. when she contacted you about the hang out, you should have turned her down. even if it didn't sound like a triple date, you should have turned it down and told your girlfriend what was going on.
your girlfriend wasn't siding with the friend who wants to date you. your girlfriend was saying that you handled things poorly because you did handle things poorly. what your friend is doing is worse, but that doesn't let you off the hook. in fact, by showing up you are enabling your friend's behavior. | your freind is an asshile for leading you on and then only wanting you when your not available but your also an asshile for doing dragging your gf and humiliating your freind
so esh | yta but not unfixably so. you really shouldn't have gone at all tbh. especially since you also felt like it was a double date from the beginning. and, if for some reason you really wanted to go, you should've informed your girlfriend of the situation beforehand and let her help you decide if both of you should go. however, i really don't see why you went, given the way you're putting the outing in your title and later in your post.
either way, your gf is owed a serious apology and your "friend" a serious talking-to. this behaviour from the "friend" is immature and terrible, and it's not your duty to bear it. you tried, several times, she turned you down, that should be the end of the story for a romantic relationship between you. she's feeling like she fucked up now and trying to break you up with your girlfriend but causing tension between you and putting you in uncomfortable situations. it's childish and shitty. | esh she only wants you because you're taken. tbh, she probably doesn't even want you and just wants drama.
i feel bad for your current girlfriend though, she probably feels like you're playing her too. | esh minus your poor girlfriend. i don't think she's "siding" with your jealous friend by saying that it was an asshole move to use her as a power play against your friend when you knew what your friend's intentions are with you. you never should have accepted this girl's invite, she never should've invited you, and you should at least apologize to your gf. | esh (except your gf)
friend sucks for trying to trick you into a triple date situation & actively pursuing you because you’re unavailable
you suck for not being upfront with your gf about the situation (at least give her a heads up about what she’s walking into, she may not have been comfortable with you using her to put friend in her place & opted to just not go). you’re justifiably ta for enforcing “no, i’m happily taken” when friend tried to trick you into a date, but standing her up/blowing her off last minute would have been equally assholish & definitive while not needlessly involving your gf. | yta, it was clear to you ahead of time what her intentions were. if you seriously want to explore things with your current gf you probably need to quit hanging out or communicating with this person as a friend, she doesn't seem like she's going to be satisfied with friendship. | esh. she’s an asshole for not giving you any signs that she actually was interested in you until you stopped chasing her and were no longer available. you’re only a little bit of an asshole for embarrassing her in front of her friends. she should have taken the hint when you said you were in a relationship, not try to force you into a date. you were also wrong to drag your girlfriend into it, you should have just declined the invitation. | esh but you're also still the asshole. you knew what was up and should have just called it for what it was instead of egging her on in a sense. you said it sounded like a triple date, so you knowingly brought your girlfriend which obviously would have left your friend the 7th wheel. it seems this was more to rub it in that girl's face than anything else. no wonder your gf was pissed. it was a real dickish thing to do, especially since "you've moved on." | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.998695 |
a few years ago my sister lived way above her means and ran up huge credit cards. she had $20000 in ‘savings’ which came from our dad selling his home and giving her money but not me as he claimed i was financially stable and could wait til he died. anyway sis gives me the money for safe keeping in case she has to file for bankruptcy (never happened). she asked me to put the money in a bank account. i did. now i got wind of an investment opportunity and decided i wanted to invest 20 k in it. i had my own savings of 10 k and asked my sister if she wanted to put in hers. she said no way she doesn’t believe in stuff like this! so i said fine. so i put in my money and then here’s the aita bit i ‘borrowed’ (without telling her) 10 k or hers. i then worked overtime like crazy, did freelance and paid the 10 k back into the savings account within 6 months. a year later i gave her $1000 because i felt bad about borrowing her money. i told her what i’d done and she blew up which was fair but i explained i was always going to pay back the 10 k in 6 months even if it meant selling everything. anyway she was pissed but she got an extra 1000 so she was fine. i still have the money in my account for ‘safe keepin’ idk why she does this but whatever. now my investment has made a ton and i’m looking at buying a house. my sister basically started talking about what she was going to do with her half. i was like ‘what are you saying. it’s my money’ she blew up big time saying it was her investment too and i was stealing. i asked if the money had been lost would she expect me to give her 10 k back regardless and she admitted she would as she ‘didn’t ask for this’ i also pointed out i paid it back. but she says but they could be my savings and her original 10 k was invested. makes no sense to me so i’m refusing to give her 50% and she and my mom and dad are all saying i’m the biggest ah out there and i stole my sister’s investment. i’m so confused aita? | aita for refusing my sister ‘her’ investment | 84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k04otj/aita_for_refusing_my_sister_her_investment/ | 2020-11-24 13:09:43 | it was a *baaad* idea to have used her money in the first place. but you did. and you promptly paid it back. that’s *good*. then you *told her about it.* omg, you fool. you were home free. you gave her $1000 as a thank you. you should have just said, “i love you, sis, i made some investments that paid off, merry/happy random holiday. i don’t think your money hiding from potential bankruptcy sister has a legal leg to stand on. but i would hire a lawyer to find out. morally, your family is going to give you shit for this for a loooong time. esh. keep your mouth shut next time you play fast and loose. | yta.
jesus this is a mess!
you didn’t “borrow” her money. you stole it. borrowing implies she lent it to you, which she did not. it’s her money and while i think it’s a little odd that she’s asked you to keep it in your name for now, you agreed to it, so it’s up to you to follow through on it.
you would not have been able to make any money from the investment without her money. that’s why she feels entitled to your profits. and clearly you realize this at least in part since you paid her $1k.
you took the money without telling her, set up a repayment plan without telling her, set the interest/penalty for the money without telling her and now you expect her to go along with all the decisions you made in private. | esh. and by holding your sister's money 'in safekeeping' you're participating in a fraud on her creditors. | lets just take a step back here:
you didn't actually steal the money from your sister. she gave it to you under the agreement that she would get the same amount back at a later date. whether you put it in the bank or under the matress doesn't matter. the amount was small enough that you could easily have the funds for when your sister needed it - or i'm guessing you're in a situation where a short bankloan would be obtainable. nta, but you're an idiot for inviting this drama into your life by telling your sister all about it. tell her that she didn't make an investment and she didn't take any risk, therefore there are no proceeds in her name. | esh.
you borrow her money without asking (sucky), but if you hadn't said anything at all, she wouldn't have known. she doesn't get to pitch a fit over your short term loan/theft of 10k, and then pitch a fit over not reaping the benefits of your investment. | esh you shouldn't have borrowed that money after your sister told you not to explicitly. you already know that. you got lucky and your investment worked out (congratulations by the way). your sister is not entitled to a penny of your success. she can take her 20k and f**k off and she is an ah for bringing your parents into this. no matter what anyone says, you took a risk, it paid off.
your dad is also an ah. | esh....
your father sucks because if you gift one child you gift the other as well...unless it is an emergency...which was not at the time
you suck because you should not have taken the money without your sister's consent, that's theft!
but most of all....your sister sucks for trying to "hide" the money in case of bankruptcy...then for expecting half of the investment when she agreed on the 10k loan with 10% interest in 6 months | **esh** - this is next level messed up.
**your father**: giving one child 20k while nothig to the other? clear favoritism.
**you**: you broke your sister's trust. you should not be asked to handle her money anymore.
**your sister**: since you "borrowed" her money, but payed back with interest, you don't ow her anything. this is like a bank loan. if you borrow 10k and make 100k from it, the bank can't ask for a %. they can only ask for the money+interest | esh, guess we are all ignoring that the setup for this was op hiding assets from creditors. | esh. borrowing without asking is stealing, it isn't your sisters investment either. i don't know why on earth you have to make an aita to see if you were wrong to steal your sisters money. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.71942 | BENIGN | 0.74187 |
my (48f) daughter (19f) got genital herpes a few years ago when she was taken advantage of (i don’t want to go into more detail on this. it was very traumatic for everyone.)
she’s now in her first serious relationship, and has been with her boyfriend (21m) for 3 months. i asked her if they were sexually active and she said yes, but he doesn’t know about her herpes.
she said that since she’s on suppressant medication that he’d never know, and it’s very unlikely he’d get it too. however, it is still possible to give it to someone even on suppressants. i told her she needs to tell him as soon as possible so he doesn’t give it to anyone else. she said that she’d only do that if they break up and was very upset that i was pressuring her.
i went behind her back and told her boyfriend over facebook. now she’s telling me that no one will ever love her, no boy wants someone with her condition, and that i scared away the only boyfriend she’s ever had. i feel like an asshole but i did it for the boy’s health and so that it wasn’t spread. | aita for telling my daughter’s boyfriend about her herpes? | 2,035 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jauj9a/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_boyfriend_about_her/ | 2020-10-14 05:16:43 | esh. she should have told him but i think you may have crossed a line by telling him yourself instead of your daughter working up the courage to discuss it with him like adults.
i don’t know, it feels... icky that you are so involved with your child’s sex life. | nta - your daughter should not have hidden that. she would be knowingly exposing him to it without his consent or knowledge. | esh
a very reluctant esh at that. i (28f) also have hsv2, caught from my boyfriend (29m).
it isn't your job to have these conversations for her, but assuming this was for the greater good of public health.. did you tell her you intended to tell him? in a best case scenario, she would say "right mom, sorry, i'll tell him." but that didn't happen, so based off your opening post you had this conversation, she said no and she had no plans, and you found him on facebook and sent the message off. that;s a huge violation of her trust, and embarrassing to boot.
yes, she was also violating his trust - but that isn't your burden to shoulder. the hsv2 dx is a huge burden - hop on over to any of the hsv2 positive subreddits on this website and you'll see the countless posts lamenting the immense stigma, the depression and anxiety entering into a new relationship, people saying they feel hopeless and helpless, they have no future, will never find someone to love them, etc. i can't begin to explain how difficult it was for me, and i caught it from someone i love.
indeed, we can't traumatize others just because we were traumatized or suffered ourselves - but this goes beyond that, there were myriad avenues for resolution that didn't involve you intervening. since those conversations would have been significant, and you left them out, i'm going to have to assume you never had them and you gave her one singular chance.
if you were this passionate and trigger-happy about sexual health three months ago, that would have been the time to have the tough talk of: you must disclose to all your partners because its the right thing to do. yes, she's stupid for not knowing but i'm still floored that you found a way to involve yourself at the worst possible time. | since "justifiable asshole" is nta, i'll go with that. i understand your daughter's trauma, but stds need to be discussed about prior to engaging sexual activity. it's not her fault she got std and she's managing it the best she can which is great, but she needs to understand that even a minor chance of transmission is still a chance, and not anyone will want to deal with that and that's okay. you are still the ah for going behind her back, but since it was about health i can't blame you too much.
i'd suggest therapy for her, she needs to deal with her own issues before dating. if she thinks that no one will love her because she has std that's not even that bad, she might engage with bad people just for the sake of feeling loved, which can be dangerous. | i am extremely disappointed in this subreddit. everyone voting e-s-h or y-t-a, if you wouldn't have done what op did in this situation than you are a supremly shitty person. there should have been absolutely no situation where the boyfriend wasn't told, fuck the daughters feelings and trust. health wins over feelings any day of the fucking week.
this might be a hot take, but whatever, the daughter has sexually violated the boyfriend. he did not know that she had an std so in my opinion he could not give informed consent to have sex with her. it's no different than if a guy took off a condom during sex. anyone that could have the information that op had and not acted on it isn't a good person. while it may not be your job to do that, you don't become a good person by not doing bad things, you're a good person when you do the right thing. anyone that voted op as an asshole really needs to take a look at their morals.
op nta, you did the right thing and i'm proud of you. | nta
it's illegal if she doesn't tell her partner they are at risk (might be different in your state?). the fact that she takes medication for the condition, is enough to prove she is fully aware. if she thinks her i've life is bad, imagine being on a list.
there are dating groups she can take part in that have the same condition... but really, imagine all the free time without that worry and an awesome career she could create in the world of not worrying about boys. 19 right? go be a doctor, find an actual cure. | nta, i thought that if you had something like herpes or chlamydia you had to tell new partners first before sleeping with them. | nta. you did the right thing. you would be ta if you hadn’t asked her first, but then she made it clear that she always intended to conceal her condition, you did what you had to. and everyone here would want someone to do the same for them or their child if they were in that situation. and i would want the same done for my child. you treated her boyfriend like you would want somebody to treat your own child and that is commendable. privacy is sacrosanct – except when someone else’s health is being risk without their consent. and please let your daughter know what she is doing as a form of assault. someone cannot give informed consent if they don’t know all the facts of who they are lying down with. it’s like stealthing or rape by deception. he doesn’t have all the facts and he can’t make an informed choice, therefore he’s not really consenting. as someone who has been through the trauma of assault, ask her if she really wants to take away someone else’s choices? not to mention passing herpes to someone with a compromised immune system can be life-threatening. | nta. you had a frank and honest conversation with your daughter and showed a remarkably level-headed attitude towards her sexual health and that of the person she was in a relationship with. not everyone is so lucky to have that relationship with their parents.
she should have told him. she is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions, if she feels this way about herself how does she think it’s fair to expose someone else?
you did something to protect not only this young man, but also your daughter from possible legal trouble. | nta
that's just good lookin' out, right there. | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.985529 |
i work with this guy that complains and is jealous of everything everyone else has and does. back in '14 my dad passed away suddenly from a work accident and it devastated me, we were very close, my dad had done very well for himself as a small business owner and left me and my brother a nice sized shop. he also had tons of equipment and tools all of which my mother gave to us, along with 2 harleys which each of us got one.
my wife's great aunt (who was her step in grandmother) passed in '15 at the age of 93 and also had done well for herself and left my wife some money and a lake house to split with her brother. which we gifted back to her parents (which is what the aunt wanted and verbalized but didnt have time to change the will.
we both were very close to those who passed and had great relationships.
so here at work this jackass (20 year age gap him being 48 me being 31)everytime i drive a different vehicle (which i work my butt off to afford my vehicles and toys, except the harley which i inherited.) has something snide to say or "must be nice", "i wish i had money", "you came from money i wish i did"...etc. mostly i just say "man i work 50+ hours a week, maybe if you came to work you could afford some stuff too."
a few days ago he got on the same crap of how i have it so much better when i started talking about going to the lake bla bla bla, and i got more annoyed than usual. then i was having a conversation with another coworker and i said something about needing to get tags for my harley. he comes back "damn how much shit so you have , must be fucking nice to get all this shit" i snapped and said "well maybe your dad will fuckin die soon and leave you something, of you had to lose what i lost maybe you wouldn't be so fucked up and bitter, better yet i hope he does die soon so you will shut the fuck up and know a little of how my life is, i lost my dad when i was young to a work accident so it must be fuckin nice to have a dad at 48 still. fuck you"
so aita, or was it deserved? | aita for telling coworker i hope his dad dies? | 280 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c8ov4j/aita_for_telling_coworker_i_hope_his_dad_dies/ | 2019-07-03 14:38:51 | esh but you're worse. dude, your dad died, you absolutely know how that hurts. you took it too far. | yta.
wishing death on anyone instantly makes yta. | esh. you’re over the line there.
shitty pro-tip: if you wanted to make him feel bad, it would’ve been more effective to just say something like “i inherited this bike from my dad. i’d much rather have dad still alive”. there’s not much he can do with that except feel bad. the way you said it, he can focus on being angry that you wished *his* father was dead. then he can twist it in his head so he’s not the main asshole. | esh he was being rude but you told him you hope his dad dies. i don't think there is anyway your are not ta when you tell someone you hope their family member dies. | him being 48 and you being 31 is not 20 years dude. you took it way to far telling him that you hope his dad dies. yeah you're allowed to snap at people who are constantly like that but wishing death upon his father was rude and uncalled for. soooo yta. you could have used a more tactful approach. | esh but jesus christ you're awful for saying that and i think you know it. you owe him an apology, regardless of how much of a tool he is. if you don't apologize then you're a confirmed asshole. | esh
his comments were out of line, but it doesn't sound like he knew how you got all of your stuff. even if he did know, saying that you wish his dad died is pretty awful. | esh. yeah, he was being obnoxious and whining about things he could work on if he took the initiative. you blew it out of the water by wishing death on another human being. | esh. your coworker’s a jackass but you don’t wish death on people like that. i’m sorry for your loss but you need to reel it in. | esh. it's always an asshole move to wish harm on someone else's family. i get it, man. i really do. my mom died when i was younger and her life insurance had money left over from the funeral to help us put a down payment on a house. i had a former-friend tell me how nice it must be to own a house and get stuff like that "for free" and it hurt because i'd trade the whole damn thing for a living mom any day of the week. your co-worker was being a jealous jerk, and comes off as an asshole in this situation, but you made yourself an asshole as well when you wished someone else would have to deal with the same pain you did. i get your response, but you are both assholes in this situation. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.781215 |
very long story, i can clarify as needed.
in the recent past, my daughter has had a complete shift of behavior. she used to be a "good kid" who handled her business and i thought we had a good relationship. the only thing we have ever asked of her is that she go to school, get passing grades, and come home on time, which i don't think is too much to ask of a 17-year-old hs senior.
apparently, it is though and whenever her dad or i try to implement consequences she screams at us. she screams many entitled things, such as "since you forced me to go to driver training, you owe me a car and you can't take it away". now i did encourage her to take driver training, and paid for it, and spent every single one of the 50+ hours that i needed to in the car with her teaching her how to drive. she then got her license, we gave her a car, then she crashed it into a tree due to reckless driving. after that, i explained that she would need to buy her own car, but she could use an extra one to drive to school and work only. well fast forward and she has no money, no car, and drives mine where ever the hell she pleases. both her dad and i work full-time and don't have the time to babysit her car usage, but clearly there is no way i can trust her.
so we sold the extra car. the attitude and entitlement are too much some times.
her dad found her a car that she could buy for $100 and it needed $100 in repairs and around $120 to get a plate and registration, plus ongoing insurance costs. she has paid $0 so far even though we said she can do payments. she promised $100 out of her last paycheck. when i asked for it, she yelled at me that she had to get gas so she didn't have the money. today is payday, if i don't get some sort of payment then i am selling the car.
and all these car issues are just the tip of the iceberg, but i think they are representative of the problems that we have, change car to cell phone, curfew, going to class and it is the sameish argument every time. we say those are your obligations, she said i don't have to and you can't make me, and we end up arguing.
clearly, she has been spoiled. i had a shitty childhood and ended up in foster care and homeless, etc., so i just wanted her to have nice things and a nice life and a good chance at making a good future for herself.
now she says that she is scared of her dad and me and that is why she doesn't come home or follow the rules. i am not perfect and i do lose my temper and yell sometimes, but i have always been very clear that i love her and want the best for her and i have never gotten physical. in my mind, there is no reason for her to be scared of me or her dad, but you never know what teens are thinking. so long story short, i am sick of it and all the strife and i just want her to leave and live on her own so she can figure out what life is really about. so wibta if i just kicked her out when she is 18 next month? | wibta if i kicked my daughter out when she turns 18 next month | 54 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eenpi9/wibta_if_i_kicked_my_daughter_out_when_she_turns/ | 2019-12-23 17:37:56 | esh. she’s obviously a spoiled asshole, but she didn’t get there on her own. something about allowing a child to be a complete asshole with no clue how the real world works and then kicking them out at first opportunity doesn’t sit well with me. fix the issues you’ve helped create - it isn’t too far gone to fix. | so, let me get this straight... you intend on kicking your daughter, your flesh and blood, out on the street because shes being a bit of a shitter? you intend on selling the $320(100+100+120) car and kicking her out onto the street without warning, mid senior year, all because parenting your child got a little harder? i mean do you intend on ruining her life? that's what you're talking about doing here so i'm genuinely curious. your thought process is what? lets take away her entire safety net while shes finishing high school and gearing up to move on with her life instead of trying to be good parents and find another solution that works for everyone? sell the car, but don't kick her out. hell take the keys until she pays you back for it, solved that problem for you op.
hard ywbta | “i am not perfect and i do lose my temper and yell sometimes“ so you, the adult, are screaming at a 17 year-old and wondering why the child is screaming at you? really? she’s obviously learned this from you. combine that with her being afraid of you and her father and i’m seriously suspicious that we aren’t getting the full story here.
yta. listen, i get that it’s your house and you get to decide who’s in it. you’re well within your right to deny her a car, charge her rent, etc. but kicking her out because she’s yelling at you when you openly admit you scream at her? i would be very surprised if you went through with this plan and still had a relationship with her afterwords.
a much better solution would be to sit her down, ask about her plans after she turns 18, and lay out what you need from her if she wants to stay. and giving yourself a serious attitude adjustment as well if you really care about respect as much as you claim. | yta
you created this mess over the course of years. it won’t be resolved by kicking her out.
get a therapist. learn how to parent your daughter more effectively and give her the tools to be an independent adult. you’re late to the game but you have a few months left.
(i didn’t notice any mention of college?) | the american way of handling your kids: kick them out when it's legal so it's none of your problems anymore. perhaps your daughter is an ah too, but i'll just go with yta over this | yta if you kick her out, especially if you kick her out without finding out wth is going on.
firstly, she obviously has no resources if you kick her out. are you prepared to subject her to the life of homelessness you once had? or possibly death? that seems both callous and hypocritical to me.
secondly, if this is a sudden change in behavior, then that means that *something has happened.* people dont suddenly start acting completely differently for no reason. if she still trusts you in any capacity (which seems unlikely to me), then it would be prudent to ask her if something has happened to her. the fact that shes afraid of her dad specifically and not both of you together raises hella alarm bells for me. if she *doesn't* trust you, then you have a long, hard road of regaining that trust ahead of you. tread carefully.
thirdly, why are you yelling at your kid? i understand that raising kids is definitely frustrating at times, but as a parent, you need to be setting the example. you need to have honest and calm conversations with your kid. make sure you aren't baiting her or trying to get in your "gotcha!" moments. conflict resolution is about reaching an understanding, figuring out whats best for both parties, and compromise, not proving whos right and whos wrong. sometimes you have to concede even when youre pretty sure youre right in order to improve your relationship or make what you want happen. | esh - it's weird that you say she went from being practically a model kid to disrespectful and entitled overnight. i feel like there has to be more going on than you're telling us, or maybe more going on than even you know.
other than that, it sounds like you got exactly what you raised.
has she already graduated high school? while there's no law that says you have to support capable adult children, it doesn't sound like you've really given her the tools to survive on her own. she might figure it out, but the whole sink or swim method might yield some pretty unsavory results.
i was kicked out when i failed out of college and was super lucky that it worked out for me, but on the way to it "working out," i lived with a boyfriend who dealt drugs. to this day, i think about how easy it might have been to get sucked into that. trust me when i say that i seriously struggled for about three years before i finally gave up and joined the army just so i could have health insurance.
i would say kicking her out has to be a last resort and something you're only willing to do if you're ready to entirely write her out of your life, not used as a method to "teach her a lesson." otherwise don't be surprised if she winds up back on your doorstep in a year, maybe pregnant, maybe a victim of domestic abuse, maybe drug addicted, maybe with a criminal record. | yta if you just kick her out without trying everything first. you didn’t mention family counseling in your post. have you even sat down with her and explained how her attitude has seemingly changed and asked her why? and you admit that you spoiled her and have a temper. this doesn’t seem healthy to me and just giving her the boot will ensure that she leaves and never comes back. | yta.
look, at some point kids need to go out and be on their own, but throwing her out on her 18th birthday is ludicrous, particularly if she hasn't been told that's coming. at least let her finish high school.
as much as she's being bratty and irresponsible, she's 17. she is going to have to figure this out sooner or later, but as long as she's not hurting anyone or stealing or something i don't see what the rush is. the only problem here is you and your husband seeming to be unable to hold the line on any boundary. don't punish *her* for that. give her a normal, fair amount of time to live at home and plenty of warning when the end is coming.
and when she moves out, you *still* need to know how to say "no" to her when she asks for things. | yta. you admit that her behaviour comes to you spoiling her, and your way to fix it is to kick her out?
your problem won't go away if you just hide it. you all need some group therapy | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 0.83088 | TOXIC | 0.920958 |
my wife and i have been married for 7 years and we’ve always talked about wanting kids. we’re both 29 years old and started trying to conceive about a year ago but have been unsuccessful. we recently decided to get checked out by a fertility specialist and opted to have extensive genetic testing done. the genetic counselor said there isn’t a reason they can point to as for why we haven’t conceived yet, but the bad news is that we are both carriers of a genetic disease that could cause our children to go blind. the risk of having a blind child is about 25% with each pregnancy.
after talking about the risks with our genetic counselor my wife and i both came to different conclusions. she still wants to experience pregnancy and childbirth and is okay with taking the 25% chance. i’m not.
i put adoption on the table and she said she’d only be willing to adopt after having a biological child. she says donor sperm isn’t an option because she wants to have *my* kids and that i’m taking that option away from her over a “small” risk.
two night ago we had really bad fight over it. hurtful things were said by both of us. during the fight i said that pregnancy is hard and most people suffer through it so it’s not like she’s experiencing a great loss. she can keep her flat stomach and not have to suffer through 9 months of sickness. i told her that her mindset is negative. she disagreed with that and said she see’s nothing to be positive about. she called me a coward for wanting to let my kids be fathered by a donor. i responded that of course she’s never going to see the positive in the situation because she’s 100% negative, just like all of her pregnancy tests were the last year and how they always will be.
that’s the line that caused her to start sobbing and leave the house. she packed a bag and told me she was going to stay with her sister and that she’d call me when she was ready to talk. she’s been gone for two nights now. it will be three if she doesn’t come back tonight. i don’t want to extend the olive branch and call her first because i’m still pissed.
i don’t know if this post is even a question or a cry for help at this point.
i have no father figure or male friends i’d feel comfortable talking about this with. instead i’m asking strangers on reddit because i’m drunk and at rock bottom. tonight will be the third night alone in my house drinking by myself and going to bed alone and that terrifies me. things were completely different a week ago. this sucks. after typing all this out, even i think i’m an asshole. | aita for refusing to have biological children with my wife? | 1,388 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bmd1a9/aita_for_refusing_to_have_biological_children/ | 2019-05-09 00:20:46 | esh.
yeah, man. gotta level with you. your closing shot was... really too far. i get the whole heat-of-the-moment thing but... jesus christ man...
that being said, it sounds like she's minimizing your fears and not hearing them fully. the comprises she's offered ignore your concerns and favor her side. so, i mean, i guess you have that going for you.
in the end though, you seem to have done a lot more unnecessary damage with your words. it's time to man up and extend that olive branch, dude. you said some horrendous things to her. | >i responded that of course she’s never going to see the positive in the situation because she’s 100% negative, just like all of her pregnancy tests were the last year and how they always will be.
wow. i was on the fence until i read that line. that is an incredibly heartless thing to say. i agree that you all don't need to have kids. but not for the reason you're claiming. you all are no where near ready for kids if this is how you communicate with each other. you all need therapy, not a child. esh but you suck the most. apologize to your wife. | yta... but not for not wanting to take the risk - i actually agree with you there. but that closing shot was horrific. you need to apologize for that, it was completely uncalled for. | yta because of that last line.
can you explore ivf with genetic counseling where you select the embryos without the issue? | that last shot was too far. so in that yta.
the disagreement however, i’d have to say neither of you are the asshole. your wife wants your kid. i’ve got 3 with my husband, so i get that. but i also have a nephew with down’s syndrome, so i get your concern as well. a child with a disability is not something to take lightly and being worried about that is valid.
you were an ass and need to reach out, but i don’t think something like your concern over having a blind child is something you just get over. your genetic counselor should have recommended marriage counseling or further therapy before you make that decision together. | yta! my husband and i have been doing through fertility treatments for 3 years, if he ever said anything similar to me during a fight i would leave him then and there. to a woman struggling to get pregnant what you said hurt more than if you shot her in the foot. | yta - if you love someone, you don't take cheap shots like that last line to said to your wife. you need to apologise for what you said. if she takes you back, i suggest you treat your wife with respect during all conversations instead of taking cheap shots just to hurt her. if you two can't have mature conversations, then you both need therapy so you can learn to communicate like adults. | yta, jesus. i couldn’t imagine anything more hurtful to say than that i shouldn’t care about not being able to become pregnant because i could stay thin until i got to your last line. i would leave you over this. | esh - fuck dude. you both said some pretty shitty to each other so it's an esh but i'm so sorry you're going through this. once you sober up, give your wife a call. no sense stewing about it anymore.
info: have you considered ivf with your sperm and just only select embryos without that gene? | nta for not wanting a bio kid in this circumstance
yta for saying that line and being too petty to apologize. that was incredibly harsh and hurtful. a lot of women *do* want to be pregnant, by the man they love. saying something like that rightfully made her question if she can love you. not apologizing doesn't help
sober up and call her and talk it out, get more info about the potential blindness - would it be complete, what's the disease, get a second opinion, etc. don't just sit at home and lose your marriage without fighting for it, at least
sincerely - fellow drunk stranger | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 0.732344 | BENIGN | 0.963099 |
for context, i have been dating my bf for almost 2 years. i am 38 weeks pregnant. my bf has a daughter from a previous relationship. he had her young, & my bf has full custody of her. they mostly always lived with his parents, & his daughter never had her own room so she never slept alone. she’s almost 8yrs old now. now, we have a 2-bed apt. it started out great, but when we’re both working late, she stays with his parents. he asked to have her sleep in the spare room to keep her in the habit of sleeping alone. we found out after a month of sleepovers that they only said she was sleeping alone, but she wasn’t. she was sleeping in his parents bed. we found out bc when she would sleep here after a few nights of sleeping there, she cried to go back to my bf’s parents. she said that she still sleeps in her grandparents bed. we had specifically asked to have her sleep alone so this wouldn’t happen. it makes it harder on us and his parents didn’t seem to care. it’s gotten to the point where she sleeps here maybe once a week, if even that. even when we’re home early, she doesn’t come home to sleep. so essentially, we’re paying for a second bedroom (in a nice complex) for it to not be used bc she doesn’t want it.
so last night i suggested to my bf that we should put the baby’s things in his daughters room. we’re struggling to fit 3 humans’ into one bedroom, when there’s a whole bedroom that’s not being used. he put together the crib and such, but im the one that’s organizing and struggling to find room for everything. a newborn requires a lot of things. i’ve even had to give up my space where my clothes go, everything’s in fabric bins. my bf didn’t have to readjust anything of his. he said no, that he doesn’t want his daughter to feel like we don’t want her here. i argued that she doesn’t even want to be here herself, that she stays there bc they don’t respect the rules we have set for her so she’s choosing there over being here. then i said she might as well live over there. my bf looked really upset. like he didn’t know what to say but deep down he knew i was right. he said he would talk to his parents & to his daughter & things would change. but i know they won’t. we put a pin in the conversation but i know it’s going to come up again bc there simply just isn’t enough room in our bedroom for all of a baby’s items. i just don’t know what to do or say anymore. it’s such a frustrating situation. but am i the asshole for suggesting something that’s basically already happening? | aita for suggesting my stepdaughter live with my bf’s parents instead of us? | 188 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tkb0ns/aita_for_suggesting_my_stepdaughter_live_with_my/ | 2022-03-22 19:31:35 | esh.
the gp for letting the kid sleep with them.
your bf for not raising his child himself.
you for having a baby with a man you barely know, who has never lived on his own before, who is not raising his first child. for also wanting to kick out your 8 year old step daughter.
i also don't understand why you chose a 2 bedroom when you have two children. i'm guessing the plan was for the baby to sleep in your room for a few months, up to a year which means you were planning on making a 9 year old share her bedroom with a baby.
maybe the adults should grow up and take on some parenting classes. gp need to back off, dad needs to step up and learn about childcare.
congrats on the baby. you're already a single mother. | yta. you have the right problem, but the wrong solution.
when you have problems with a kid, **you don't throw them away because it's convenient**. if you struggle with having her sleeping at your place alone in her bed, the solution is not to let her move in with people that will enable the behaviour : it's to be **parents** and stop using the grandparents as a crutch. | yta. you are suggesting that a 8 yo should move out? are u serious? and "baby space"? nice motherhood right there. | esh. yta for trying to get rid of your boyfriend’s 8 year old. he’s the asshole for being with someone who would think that way and actually listening to you. dear lord, every time i read stories like this i feel so bad for any of the kids involved. | yta. massively. she's going through a period of great change with the baby on the way and is expressing a need for closeness, comfort, and reassurance. her grandparents are giving her that and you are not. in fact, you're doubling down by trying to kick her out of the house and replace her with the "new" family (every kid's nightmare). your bf was right, you have no right to take away her room. she should know she has a home and you should bend over backwards to make her feel that way. this is on you to fix. the sleeping will go back to normal in time. | yta - stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about that poor 8 year old kid who sounds like they've been through some shit and need more support, not to be thrown away. | yta, sorry.
doing that will make her understand she's being replaced by the new baby.
she's already feeling that way, which is why she wants to stay with her grandparents.
work on regaining her trust and security. preferably with a therapist/counsellor | you’re asking your boyfriend to give up living with his 8 year old daughter. the only way that sentence doesn’t make you an asshole is if the child is actually trying to murder or severely harm family members.
this poor kid needs 2 things: her father and stability. if the grandparents are unwilling to have her sleep in her own room, the right answer isn’t “abandon the child,” it‘s “don’t send her there.” you may need to hire a sitter to take care of her at your apartment starting near bedtime until you get home.
yta. | yta. and you know it. don’t rip a child away from their father just because you are pregnant and selfish. get a bigger apartment. | esh except for the daughter.
you suck the most though because instead of actually parenting and trying to get her used to sleeping alone, you want to send her away. will you be sending your newborn away as well when you realize that kids cry?
your bf sucks for considering sending her to live with his parents. he’s a dad so he should act like one. maybe he should be there sleeping with her until she falls asleep, keep a nightlight on and then leave the room until she’s able to sleep on her own.
his parents suck for not letting her sleep on her own. they got her used to sleeping with people, so yes that’s going to be a tough habit to break.
honestly, your bf needs to take charge here and get his daughter used to sleeping by herself. also, why can’t his daughter and the baby sleep in the same room? i feel like that would be a good compromise to have | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.797462 |
me and my colleague received a £10 tip from a delivery, split between the two of us. we pull up to a petrol station and he takes the note and returns with a box of celebrations, some brunch bars and some fruit for other workers at the warehouse.
they usually leave a box of sweets out at the warehouse and when we're picking up stock i will occasionally grab one.
so the guy i work with is alot older than me and he talks down to me all the time, i try not to respond on the way he does to me because he's the owner of the company's son and it wouldn't look good.
he returns to the van and hands me back 1.50 and i say "wait a minute, i never asked for this" he says "tough, you take their sweets its only fair if we buy some for them." which is true, i don't disagree with that, but in my opinion he had no right to spend my money without asking me.
i gave him his 1.50 back and said you still owe me a fiver. aita? | aita for demanding my tip money not be spent on sweets for coworkers? | 179 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/diptjj/aita_for_demanding_my_tip_money_not_be_spent_on/ | 2019-10-16 14:09:11 | esh - he should have squared it with you first, but if you're always taking sweets and never, ever replace any then you're a also an asshole.
also, word to the wise. this is not the hill you want to die on, and you do not want to get the reputation at work for being the stingy guy that refused to buy sweets for everyone and demanded his money back even though he's more than happy to help himself. | nta. if you take their sweets you should be getting them some in return, but in this instance he had no right to spend your money on them without consulting you | nta, he should have asked and discussed it with you first. let you have an opinion in the matter. | nta - your colleague should at least have consulted you before spending the money on stuff for the colleagues. i’d have gone halves on the celebrations with him (had he asked) but he had no right to spend most of the tip when you were entitled to half | yta
technically you're right but taking and not giving in return is a very asshole thing to do.
besides that the lunchroom sweets should be courtesy of the company in the first place. | yta - what's the tipping policy at your company? who did they give the £10 to? are you the only people involved, as in did anyone help you load the van or pick and pack your delivery?
i ask because in the uk tipping delivery guys is not a regular occurrence. i've received tips that when divided between everyone involved worked out to about £1 each, which is kind of insulting. your partner, who obviously received the tip, decided to share it with everyone involved, rather than pocketing the whole thing himself, which he could have done. he gave you £1.50 change so you got a bit extra.
basically, you were entitled to nothing, got a share of some sweets, and an extra £1.50 to pay for your bus home.
demand the £5 if you want, but you will be the asshole guy at work who'd rather pocket a fiver once in a while than share with your colleagues. and the next time, the other guy probably won't even tell you about the tip. | nta it is a nice idea, but you should have had a chance to agree to it. | nta, he should’ve spent your money when you didn’t give him your approval | esh
he shouldn't have done it without your permission but like you said
>"tough, you take their sweets its only fair if we buy some for them." which is true, i don't disagree with that
this isn't a hill i'd die on if i were you. | i say esh. if you eat the sweets, you should buy sweets but the guy should’ve asked you. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 0.535274 | TOXIC | 0.660782 |
i (18 male) am transgender, i am ftm and everyone who is a stranger to me sees me as a guy. a few days ago, i was with my aunt (43 female) and her kids(5-7). when they saw a tampon in my bag they all asked what it was. i explained to them, even the little boys were showing genuine interest and were happy to be taught. well, when my aunt found out that i taught them about menstruation, she started screaming things at me. calling me slurs, saying that no kid needs to know that, ect. all the kids were confused at that point. i thought that since they were curious and that some of those kids will go through menstruation soon that it was okay, its not something inappropriate. am i the asshole? | aita for teaching my cousins about menstruation? | 2,352 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0m7sy/aita_for_teaching_my_cousins_about_menstruation/ | 2022-04-10 17:18:55 | i'm literally howling at the e s h votes as if menstruation is some sort of horrible, dirty thing to hide.
nta for telling kids about a normal biological function | nta
if kids are old enough to ask, they're old enough to get an answer. i can't believe your aunt doesn't matter-of-factly explain all this to them. they would be so much better off and ready to face the world. shame on her. | nta, especially after the update. your aunt is wrapping this taboo around something that happens to literally half the planet once a month for 20-30 years. menstruation doesn’t need to be shrouded in mystery just because it happens in the neighborhood of the genitals. shit happens (or in this case, blood happens), and this normal biological function deserves no more and no less attention than what is needed to maintain health and safety. for a kid, that includes the knowledge that it happens, and it is not something to freak out over. | not only nta, but the world needs more of you. | so, you have a female teenage cousin whose own mother did not have a talk with her about puberty, periods, sex, and everything else that should have been discussed with a teenager, and said obstinate mother got mad when such facts of life were later discovered by her other children.
does your aunt think that this knowledge just magically materializes inside kids’ heads? is she hoping that they’ll just learn this from pornhub’s sexual wellness site, which says a lot about our society when a goddamn porn site needs to host sex ed materials?
obviously, nta, and your aunt needs to get over her own hangups because enforcing ignorance is abusive. | nta.
it should be normalized instead of treated like an evil sin that should be avoided | nta. the kids asked, you explained in an age appropriate way.
even more important, those kids learned that when their mom won't give them a straight answer about something, they can ask their awesome older cousin and he will tell them. that's pure gold right there. i was raised similarly to your cousins and was lucky enough to have a friend's mom who became my 'safe' person for questions like that. she gave me tampons for swimming so i wouldn't have to sit out in pe. | nta. some comments here seem to be equating talking about periods with the full “birds and bees” convo. periods are just a normal bodily function that should not be treated as a touchy subject by anyone at any age. | assuming you provided accurate, age appropriate info, nta.... every single person will have to deal with menstruation during their life.... a sister, a so, a coworker.... knowledge is no crime. | nta
the kids were curious; you answered their questions instead of making it some weird taboo subject. well done.
​
>her teenage daughter didn't know what her period was, my aunt doesn't teach these things to them.
well auntie fails at teaching things that are...just basic bodily functions. that's miserable.
you are even more of a nta | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.778225 | BENIGN | 0.993286 |
i live with two roommates in a small student residence.
last tuesday one of them left an open bag of food leftovers, mostly chicken and sausages on the kitchen counter. “she'll get rid of them later“ i thought. boy was i wrong. on wednesday i texted her asking to get rid of it. she did not. friday comes, and there's a foul rotten smell all over the place. flies are inside the bag and it's just gross. knocked on her door and asked her again to please get rid of it. annoyed, she said she would, but didn't and then left to spend the weekend with her parents.
i'm done with cleaning after this girl's mess every single time so i took the bag and threw it through her bedroom window. the weekend goes by. today (monday night), when she came back i heard her scream. seconds later she was angerly knocking at my door while yelling: “what the fuck did you do?!“ at this point, roommate #2 comes out of her room, confused as to what's going on. the three of us go downstairs to the first roommate's room. oh, jesus. as she opened the door, we found maggots taking over her floor, furniture, and walls. roommate #2 threw up. both of them yelled at me how bad of a person i was and demanded me to clean. i refused.
told roommate #1 i was done with her bs. 9 times out of 10 i end up doing the dishes she should've done, i put in the bin all the wrappers and food leftovers she often leaves at the table for several days, because of this, we had maggots in the kitchen just a couple of days prior to the beginning of this incident. she once spilled milk on the floor and didn't seem to care. when i asked her to clean, she answered with: if it bothers you so much, clean it yourself. also, she often clogs the toilet and leaves it for the next person to take care of.
her parents came to pick her up and also to yell at me some more. i didn't even try to defend myself but didn't apologize either. just an hour ago i got a call from my landlord telling me we would discuss this in the morning.
i'm done with her being so disgusting, but i can't afford to move elsewhere. aita for trying to teach my roommate a lesson? | aita for throwing my roommate's maggoty trash into her room? | 1,490 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/btxfn8/aita_for_throwing_my_roommates_maggoty_trash_into/ | 2019-05-28 08:20:19 | esh - your roommate is awful but what you did was incredibly stupid. she can sue you for the damages to her furniture and the landlord can take the cost of cleaning up your stunt out of your security deposit.
if you wanted to prove a point then you could have put the bag in another bag and put it in her room. you could have even placed the bag in her room or outside her door. throwing it through a window and damaging her things because you're bitter about doing dishes is immature. you say you can't afford to live anywhere else but you can get kicked out for that. | esh ,
i mean your not fully ta but that maggots might infest the whole place now which means your other roomate and you might have to suffer. also bad timing if you done it when she is around i would say nta | nta. you took the nuclear approach but she needed to learn a lesson. but i think you might be in some trouble here if you didn't document any evidence against your roommate. i would have taken pictures of a few things first then thrown the trash in her room. it's a shared living space, and your roommate is a dick. | yeah esh. messy roommates are part of life and there are way better ways to deal with her behaviour, that do not include trashing her room. i was with you when i thought you simply placed the trash in her room (like on the desk) so it's not in communal space, but this is seriously childish behaviour. | esh.
what you did was extremely dickish, but i'm gonna say it was justified. this probably belongs in a revenge sub somewhere, haha.
she's a huge loon for not cleaning up after her shit. anything that could be said was in the post. she's neglectful and irresponsible, and outright disgusting. she made everyone suffer for her procrastination and that's just unacceptable.
however, think about it this way. that person is your roommate; you already know that person isn't responsible enough to clean up after it. you could have just thrown it away for them, and avoided this situation. by throwing the rotten food and spreading maggots everywhere you're destroying property that you live on, that everyone lives on. that is an asshole move, and really inconsiderate. but hell, i can't blame you. | esh - but entirely justified. sometimes you gotta just be the ah to get stuff done.
if anyone asks why you did it, just simply ask why there was rotting food left in the communal area. respect works two ways. | i dont think i can give a fair ruling (i want to say nta) because omg this shit was so perfect and funny, but such a bad move for you. here's hoping the landlord just gives you a warning and she moves the hell out. please update if you're comfortable doing so.
good luck, hero to all the disgruntled roommates out there. | esh. she obviously sucks, because she doesn't clean up after herself and clearly lets things get really nasty. and i understand wanting to put the trash out of the communal area and into her room.
but you really should have put some more thought into what you were doing - obviously if you just throw it on the floor there will be maggots everywhere and the mess gets 100x worse. the punishment is a little too severe for the crime given that her room and a bunch of her stuff are probably ruined. should have put the trash in a bin outside her door or something instead. | nta
she needed a harsh life lesson, she got one.
but i would have played dumb and pretended that "she must have forgotten to take the bag out of her room". | esh. your roommate is irresponsible and you overreacted. should’ve taken this issue up with your landlord. take pictures and compile them. don’t stoop to your roommate’s level. whoever says yta is not emphatic with your situation. | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 0.502583 | TOXIC | 0.739363 |
my mom is a child carer and does this full time. i've started seeing a girl who is a hair dresser, she's really kind but sometimes this is her downfall. i invited her round to meet my mom and i was horrified to see that when we walked into the lounge my mom had all her hair stuff ready and brought a mirror in. i asked what she was doing and she said "what better way to get to know eachother than her do my hair". this was even before they'd been introduced. my gf had some stuff in the car and brought it in, she said it was fine but it was kind of awkward. i didn't want to make things worse by having a full blown argument with my mom on the first time shed met her. anyway the whole treatment took over an hour and my gf said it was easily a 200 dollar job. my mom even had the nerve to ask her to do her nails, i couldn't believe it as i've never seen this side of her. she then said as she was leaving that she'll give her 20 bucks next time we see her. i was livid as she didn't seem like she put much effort into getting to know her at all. anyway, my gf has 2 kids from a previous marriage i get a long with them pretty well and i was due to look after them, i phoned my mom and asked if she had any plans for the rest of the day and she said no. i drove the kids round and just told mom "what better way to get to know them than looking after them for 24 hours". i could see she was annoyed. she phoned me a few hours later and said that i should come get them, i told her i'd had a few drinks so can't but it's her job to look after children so i thought she'd be able to do it in her free time aswell, just like my gfs hairdressing. she got the point i was trying to make and she said i was well out of line for doing this. i told my gf about it and we both agreed that she's a bitter old woman who is selfish and vile who has a look in her eye saying that she hasn't been fucked properly in years. my mom won't speak to me now but i'd rather make the point than her walk all over my gf. | aita for sticking up for my girlfriend? | 1,522 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jul0m1/aita_for_sticking_up_for_my_girlfriend/ | 2020-11-15 12:16:36 | esh.
you were right to stick up for gf, but not this way. why? two wrongs don’t make a right. or, you used the children as weapons, in a passive aggressive fight. you are actually modeling mom’s behavior while complaining about it.
you owe gf and kids an apology. also, you should pay gf for moms hair since you allowed that. then try to backcharge
mom. | esh
" we both agreed that she's a bitter old woman who is selfish and vile who has a look in her eye saying that she hasn't been fucked properly in years. "
keep your misogyny out of it. this is disgusting. sounds like you and the gf are made for each other if you're on board with this sort of thinking. | esh. but wtf is wrong with you talking about your mom not being properly fucked? that's disgusting. you also left 2 innocent kids with someone you consider a vile old woman. you're way worse here. way worse. the gross, rotten apple did not fall far from the tree.
you didn't stick up for your gf. you used her kids as pawns so you could go get drunk.
your gf could have said no to the hairdo, you know. | esh. you had good intentions, but you shouldn't have made your point by leaving your girlfriends kids in the care of a stranger (to them) for 24 hours whilst you go get tipsy. | esh- you can’t use kids like that. your moms behavior was absolutely unacceptable but you never ever involve children. | esh
your mum's behaviour was totally awful and entitled, and you would have been right to stand up for your girlfriend by telling your mother so. if you'd just given her a proper tongue lashing we would all be applauding you. but omfg you brought the kids into thus and somehow trumped your mother's ah behaviour. | esh- you, for using children and not even your own children to “prove” a stupid point. and for not sticking up for your gf the second you realized what was about yo happen.
your mom- cause that’s just tacky.
your gf- for not being totally pissed you dumped her kids at your moms to prove a stupid point.
you are all yucky people except the kids. | that penultimate sentence says it all yta | esh. what you're mom did was totally inappropriate, but you should have addressed it directly. you can't use your gf's children to punish your mother. you just left these poor kids with someone they don't know, who wasn't even prepared to have them, and then went away and drank enough that you couldn't collect them. not okay. | honestly i'm leaning more to yta.
when they originally went to his mom's house they could have just made up an excuse not to do his mom's hair and have book an appointment at gf's salon. 'i've had a long day at work/ i have a migraine/ i feel uncomfortable not using my own hair tools/ its my day off i just want to relax'
op is a massive ah because he brought innocent children into his petty disputes. he knows his mom is a piece of work but still thought exposing children to that would be fine. frankly i think what he did was disgusting.
so yeah op yta. even if his mom was sort of one too what she did was nothing compared to what op did. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.501797 |
my boyfriend and i have known each other for a number of years and have been dating for nine-ten months now. we decided mutually to have him move into my place in another state.
i have two cats, both young males, that get along very well and are docile and playful with each other. he has a female cat that is a lot older (around 14) that he adopted from a friend because she had behavioral issues with other animals in the home. they gave her up when she scratched the eye of a dog. i like his cat and when discussing moving in together i expressed some concerns from her past and her generally grumpy/bitey behavior even to me but agreed to give it a shot because i love him and thought it would be fair. i told him my boundary was if she drew blood i couldn't do it and he agreed long before we had a move in date.
he moved in about a month and a half ago and my youngest cat has been in a cone ever since due to her attacking his tail unprovoked twice. my other cat stopped eating/drinking for days due to the stress of being chased down and trapped by her under the bed, in the closet, etc and required a vet visit to inject an iv and change his food to a prescription diet for his stomach. the vet expressed through blood tests the only probable cause was the stress of the situation.
i told my boyfriend i am done with trying after three vet visits and almost $1000 in vet bills. it was not an easy decision because i love my boyfriend and even care for his cat, but i cannot sleep anymore due to them having to be separated in different rooms (we have a small apartment), and having to baracade doors to prevent her from swatting at them underneath the crack. he agreed that this is the final straw and would talk to his family about taking her. we expressed the situation together and his mother was shocked with how much we've been through and agreed to take her in. i finally thought a compromise was formed.
my boyfriend just pulled a switch on me and expressed "i didn't try hard enough" and simply "did not compromise at all." i expressed that even letting this cat move in with me let alone letting her stay for this long was the compromise.
i've cried several times and i told him how hard it is for me as well and if he's going to make me feel guilty for the tough situations we have to make together he needs to leave with her. he claims there is a chance that it could possibly work out even after the vet told us otherwise and that i didn't try to reintroduce them so i'm controlling but he doesn't understand why i don't feel comfortable trying any more. i told him if he won't give her to his parents he needs to leave too and he exploded calling me controlling. i told him i can't live with or date someone that doesn't do what he says he will and he called me an asshole for not wanting to live like this anymore. aita here?
tl;dr i want to have my bfs cat who attacks my cats out and my boyfriend told me i'm not trying hard enough to make it work after telling me otherwise | aita for putting my foot down with my boyfriend's cat? | 288 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/psn33d/aita_for_putting_my_foot_down_with_my_boyfriends/ | 2021-09-21 17:05:44 | esh
you both knew the cat wasn't good with other animals, and you both agreed to move in together. the real losers here are all three cats involved. *for the well being of your bf's cat it needs to go to a pet free home*. poor thing is probably constantly afraid and stressed. | nta by the sound of it, he is trying to gas light you cause he doesnt want to let go of his cat | nta
and this folks...is why you shouldn't live with someone you have only known for less than a year.
is what it is op. you tried, things didn't work out.
time to move on
but in the future...don't let someone with pets move in until you know your animals can get along. | definitely nta. you had an agreement, and you even went further because there were several incidents when you said the first one would be it. and he agreed. he is ta. stand your ground on this one, it is not fair to your cats who don't deserve to be terrorized. and he gets 10/10 ah for pulling any guilt trip on you. frankly, this is completely break-up justified, i would ditch him. he's breaking a promise and manipulating you and it's a major red flag. at the least you must put a stop to it or i guarantee he'll continue to work you over on other things. best of luck and protect yourself and your cats!!!! | esh you two should have waited until the cat 14 year old cat passed before moving in together. 14 year old cats are set in their ways to begin with and then add to that you both already knew she didn't like other cats.
how would you feel if you moved into his home and he told you you had to get rid of your two cats because of his cat?
when i read stuff like this here the first thought i have is, "this is so not about a cat." | nta you are doing what’s best for your fur babies. he is gaslighting you and making it all seem like it’s your fault. you and the vet are right. your poor cats though. needing an iv is really extreme. i wouldn’t have even let the cat move in with her history. my fur baby comes first. after one attack it’s a definite no.
it’s clear he doesn’t care about keeping promises, respecting you and your cats and boundaries. he is already a huge red flag that he almost refused to move out. | nta you did what you could, his cat is too dangerous around yours and that's that. don't let him emotionally bully you into changing your mind. | nta. you tried it, it didn't work out. it's your and your cats home. your crying because of it and the cats are hurt and unhappy. he and the old cat have to go!
i also have cats but if it gets that bad i'd stop this immediately!! got my old cat, which is grumpy too, two youngsters, it went pretty good and no one got hurt. but what you're telling sounds horrible!!
and you can't just re-introduce them that easy. that's a problem!
not sure about the bff's behavior. but... he called you an asshole? sorry, but 🚩 wouldn't move in with someone i date less than a year either though | nta. this was already your cats' home and they are being terrorized. it's not working and bf has pretty much shown you his true personality is in all of this... time for you and your furbabies to move on while bf and hellcat move out. | nta
you guys made a compromise that he agreed to. now he's gaslighting you and making you feel bad for finally having enough. you paid your own cats vet bills, you kept trying, and its stressful. that doesn't make you horrible, that doesn't make you an asshole. you still tried because you love him, you love his cat too and it shows you have compassion for other creatures when most people would've just been like "get rid of it".
you have every right to be upset and he needs to grow up and see that you did compromise and try your best to make it work. if the cats at his moms house with no other pets, that's honestly the best move, because older animals that never got along with other animals to begin with, live easier and healthier as a single animal. other animals can cause the old cat stress and potentionally even die sooner. if he's close to his mother, he can go see his cat whenever he'd like i'm sure. the cats still in the family, it wasn't just given to a pound or to some stranger.
you guys did what you could, it didn't work out and thats okay. shit happens. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.94534 |
this happened last christmas but i’m still being treated like the asshole for it.
my brother’s new wife insisted that our family have christmas at their new house and she sends out a group text and assigned all of us different items to bring (drinks, hot side dish, cold side dish, dessert) and said she would only make the entree, that’s all. we’re not a potluck family and since there was only 7 of us it didn’t seem that hard to put together a side salad along with the entree but i digress. important to point out that all of us live in different cities than where they live. one brother flew in, i took a bus/train and the other three drove a few hours to get there.
i was assigned to bring a dessert but i was already hauling my bag and gifts through bus and train stations so i just thought i’ll buy something when i get there if anyone really wants dessert nbd. as soon as i got to the house she says nothing to me and starts making a dessert (this was the evening before christmas eve). i’m tired so i figured she realized it was weird to ask me to bring a dessert and i went to bed. my brother who flew in was assigned to bring drinks (despite the fact that you can’t carry drinks on a plane) and didn’t bring anything. the cold side was picked up at a grocery store, and the hot side came through after a re-heat.
she is still furious that we all ruined christmas and didn’t bring our assigned items or didn’t put effort into making them (e.g. cold side). i feel it was unfair to ask people traveling to bring food when no one wanted to have christmas there in the first place. she insisted on hosting the whole thing. we are not a potluck family. | aita for not bringing dessert to christmas dinner | 71 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o6dr42/aita_for_not_bringing_dessert_to_christmas_dinner/ | 2021-06-23 14:19:57 | esh
yes, it's weird to ask people who are traveling to bring food. nobody is going to travel with a mayo salad or a bread pudding in a plane.
but why didn't you said "so, it's going to be hard to travel and bring the food. could you please order a good desert you know and i will give the money" instead of saying yes for the assignments and then showing up empty handed when there's no time to look for a plan b?
so everyone could do better here. | esh. if no wanted to come or participate you are adults who should have said something. all of you could have voiced the reasonable limitations of transporting the food, asked to prepare the dish at their place, ordered food for delivery, confirmed that someone could take you to the store to purchase items.
op you make it sound like your sil is unreasonable but it seems more unreasonable that 5 adults could not speak up for themselves and it's extremely passive aggressive and petty to just show up empty handed. | yta. you should have expressed your concerns before agreeing to bring something. if the host had known ahead of time, they could’ve had a dessert ready for the event instead of being caught off-guard and having to scramble to put something together. your actions added stress onto their plate, and if you have ever hosted an event, it’s already stressful enough. if you had come from out of town to my house, i would never have asked you to bring anything, but they asked you, you agreed, and you didn’t follow through. | nta. i assumed you explained the awkward logistics of bringing drinks and dessert onto a plane/train? she sounds unreasonable either way, but once you said something to her about it, her position is a relatively indefensible one. | yta.
you pick it up when you get there (pretty obvious). instead the hostess had to scramble to get things together because no one said "i am not doing that" before they arrived. you and your brother just refused.
btw, it doesn't matter that you are "not a potluck family." sil was the hostess, sil sets the terms of the dinner. you had the option to not attend. | yta. your whole family are rude as fuck. stop at a bakery and grab a pie. jfc. | yta because your siblings didn’t communicate any of these concerns in advance via the group chat.
you were passive aggressive in the moment and again in this post. you arrived on december 23 — that’s plenty of time to broach the issue with her &/or get yourself to the shops to buy something or get ingredients. ditto for your brother who only had to buy beverages. | low key yta. where i’m from it’s considered rude to show up empty handed. that being said, it’s not feasible for traveling guests to always being the assigned thing, but you could have asked for clarification or ordered a dessert to be picked up once you got there.
although i’m of the mindset that if you are hosting, you provide the majority of the items and guests supplement what you’re making. | so was this potluck for xmas eve/ day or for the night you all arrived?
regardless, yta
if dessert was needed for one of the other nights, you should have made them aware you would be needing to pop out and grab something.
if it were needed for night number one, you should have asked them to pick it up and you could repay them (due to having to travel to them). to just show up empty handed with no explanation is a dick move. | esh i do come from a potluck family, there's usually 35 of us so we have to, and planning is key. communicate and have discussions like adults. | 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 0.732344 | BENIGN | 0.977985 |
some context is required for this issue. my daughter (17f) and her friends planned a trip to go to japan during her christmas break to celebrate her 18th birthday. she had been planning this for the last 2 years.
i decided as her present, i would pay for all her expenses (flights, hotel, activities etc).
moving onto the incident, i have an autistic 9 year old son. quarantine has been really hard for him, and he's been struggling a lot.
one thing he loves to do is jigsaw puzzles. we decided to get him 10,000 piece jigsaw as a small gift for him to complete.
he has a table in his room in which he laid everything out and spent almost a month on this puzzle.
a few days ago, he completed the puzzle and was just so happy and poud of himself. he facetimed his grandparents and other relatives just to show them his hard work.
anyways, later during the day i hear him scream and i rush upstairs to see him bent over his puzzle which was now in pieces on the floor, and my daughter filming on her phone.
long story short is that there is a tiktok trend of siblings throwing jigsaw puzzles on the floor. my daughter decided to film one, and went into his room and shoved the puzzle off his desk and recorded his reaction.
my son was inconsolable and it took us almost 3 hours to calm him down. however he is still so upset. i was furious with my daughter and we had a long talk. no matter what excuse she gives, her actions were complete malicious. she did apologise to her brother. however i don't understand what positive outcome she saw from this.
after some time i decided her punishment would be that she would not be allowed to go on this trip. i told her that i would not pay for her trip and cancelled her flight and hotel reservations. she started crying and begging me to reconsider, but i told her that i already cancelled everything. i told she was too old for this type of horrible behaviour and she had to deal with the consequences of her actions.
she packed her stuff and left to her mothers house (my ex-wife). i later got a call from her mother saying, that i was a horrible parent and that my punishment was just an overreaction.
i'm starting to think maybe i did over-react considering she had been begging for a girls trip for the past 2 years. yet she decided a few like was more important than her brothers feelings.
so reddit aita? | aita for not letting my daughter go on her 18th bday trip (in december) | 510 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hpau13/aita_for_not_letting_my_daughter_go_on_her_18th/ | 2020-07-11 14:25:22 | esh this punishment doesn't really match this crime. you should've made her sit down and completely fix the puzzle and maybe grounding or something. | esh.
what she did was terrible, but your punishment is only going to make her resent you, and her brother, more. there's nothing to learn from it.
a better punishment would have been something that teaches her empathy. maybe doing something for her brother (in addition to fixing the puzzle, which should be a given).
or you could make her do some research on autism and make her write a five page essay about why what she did was not only mean, but especially upsetting for her brother.
punishments should always be learning experiences. | nta. your daughter is old enough to know better. you’re right, her actions were needlessly malicious and all to satisfy a... tik tok trend? seriously?
being that this is a massive present, though, maybe there’s a way she can earn this privilege back between now and then in a way you see fit? | nta. she’s old enough to understand that his reaction as someone on the spectrum is not going to be the same as someone not dealing with asd, that kids with autism have a higher attachment to things and accomplishments, and that he was super proud of himself for completely such a large puzzle. it was a real asshole move on her part and for what? a freaking video? acting out because he likely needs more attention at his age then she does at hers? ugh. hopefully she can learn from this and do better going forward.
the chances of international travel being good to go in december are up in the air anyway. | nta- she did a horribly cruel thing, it’s harsh but honestly i think it’s the right reaction, but anyway isn’t her trip likely to be cancelled anyway? i doubt japan will be letting any americans in this winter. | nta the moment tik tok was involved she deserved a major punishment. she humiliated her brother online and that stuff will be out there for his entire life. i grew up with an autistic brother and i knew his triggers. your daughter knew exactly what she was doing by setting him off all for a video online. she knew his reaction ahead of time and manipulated him. your ex wife should know your son’s side and what a cruel child she’s defending. | nta, play stupid games, win stupid prizes....
​
that wouldn't be acceptable if it was just a normal younger sibling, but she knows he is autistic, making it that much worse. | nta. what your daughter did was disgusting, no doubt about it. she showed a complete lack of respect for her brother, and his things. her prank was childish, and showed very poor judgment. if she was my child i would be very concerned about her ability to make good choices in a foreign country without adult supervision. she won’t be excused so easily if she decides to pull something like this in a foreign country. at the same time, i’m not sure she will learn anything from this punishment. i would definitely pull the trip to japan off the table, but maybe you can think of a way that she can earn a local girls trip next summer or something. japan will still be there when she is old enough to understand how to stay out of this kind of trouble. | nta. that’s a horrible thing to do for strangers on the internet, especially if she knew how upset he would be (and i’ve got to assume she would). in my opinion this is a totally fair punishment. be an asshole, get treated as such | nta. this is not some minor curfew breaking incident or act of almost-adult rebellion. this was deliberate and malicious behavior against a younger sibling that she publicly shared for fun. has she shown this type of behavior before? if so, get her to a shrink because there may be something there. and please don’t inflict her on the people of japan. | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.998538 |
so i was coming out of the grocery store today and i saw a woman being, what i would consider, a lazy shit head. i called her out for it. i felt justified. then i reflected and became unsure as to whether i was justified, or just an asshole to a working mother on the grocery run after picking the kids up from school. you’re the experts, tell me my fate!
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the parking garage by my local supermarket has a problem, and that problem is people being too lazy to walk to the shopping cart corral and put their trolley back – people instead prefer to just leave them right there, in the parking spots. obviously, this is annoying and gets in the way of people trying to park their cars.
i did a sidealong park into a spot today (relevant) and was annoyed to discover that i couldn’t park in the middle of the spot because there were abandoned trolleys encroaching onto the space. luckily my car is small, so it wasn’t an issue. after doing my shopping i came back to the car to discover that someone had left their trolley in the space between the back of my car and the front of the car behind me. not an issue for me, as i could go forwards out of the spot, but it would be an issue for the person behind me as they wouldn’t be able move around it.
i loaded up my groceries into my car then grabbed that trolley and my own to walk back to the corral. a middle-aged woman with two teenage children (about 13 and 16 i’d guess) were opposite me and finished loading their groceries at the same time. the woman then walked her trolley across the parking lot to park her trolley *right in front of my car*. i was standing half a metre away and she just… dumped her trolley there, blocking my car into its space. i will add that given my outfit, there is no way she thought i was an employee even if she hadn’t seen me just put away my own groceries.
​
the following conversation ensued (m = me, h = her)
​
m: “yeah, just leave your shit wherever for someone else to clean up, that’s a good idea.”
h: “excuse me? that is so rude.”
m: “i’d say being a trashbag and leaving your shit everywhere is ruder, are you seriously that lazy?”
h: “how dare you speak to me like that in front of my children!”
m: “well someone’s got to teach them some fucking manners about putting their own shit away and not leaving it for someone else.”
then she said how dare you and i said fuck you, and i pushed her trolley back to the corral (a whole 10m away) while she huffed to her children about how people my age are just so terrible (i’m 25).
​
asshole? yay or nay? | aita for reaming out a woman in front of her kids? | 2,828 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ck8p3u/aita_for_reaming_out_a_woman_in_front_of_her_kids/ | 2019-07-31 13:44:54 | esh
she was awful, you were rude.
the only plus is you weren't wrong, walter. you were just an asshole. | yta for starting it off that way. you could have said, "excuse me, that's not where the trolleys go! the corral is over there," and she likely would have been more receptive. instead you were rude and the point you were trying to make was lost due to your bad language and insults. | esh except the children. excessive cursing around children just because you're annoyed... really now? | nta. sure you could have started the conversation differently with a hey why are you leaving that in front of my car, but really why the hell would she leave it directly in front of your car? people on this sub sometimes act like you should get smacked in the mouth and then politely ask for an apology, it was no secret to her that whoever wanted to leave the spot was going to have to push her cart out of the way, very bizarre behavior that she walked her cart some distance but didn’t just put it in the coral. play stupid games win stupid prizes. | esh
i totally get where you’re coming from and i think it should be ok to address an issue you have with another human being. but you came off instantly aggressive and put her on the defense which made this not about a lesson for her but for a story she now gets to tell about the rude millennial who cursed at her in front of her kids in a public space. this doesn’t seem like you wanted to address an issue, you just wanted to vent and she became a perfect subject for you.
and then yeah she sucks for being lazy. | c’mon... you know esh right? there was no need to be that aggressive, swearing and stuff. | esh only because you started off at 100. people leaving their carts wherever they want drives me insane, but i'd never approach someone who did it in that manner. a simple "excuse me, you just left this directly in front of my car." probably would have put enough shame into her to move it herself. | nta. thank you! everyone is saying es h, but i don’t see how you’re the asshole. how are these rude people ever going to learn if nobody ever tells them! shaming is a perfectly effective tool in correcting bad behavior. | nta used to work at a grocery chain. can confirm, this if fucking annoying. lazy shitheads that don’t care about anyone else are the ones leaving their cart/trolly/buggy wherever the fuck they please. takes no more than a minute to either walk it back to the store, or like you said, the corral, where they fucking belong. moral of the story, be considerate and poof, like sorcery or something, there will be no issue. wild concept, i know | nta the only thing you did wrong was not to push the cart behind her car so she couldn't get out without dealing with it. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.474237 | TOXIC | 0.787911 |
my wife (f 27) carries health insurance for me (m32) and her through her job. she makes more money and offered to do this so that i could afford to continue paying the majority of our bills after getting a job that pays less then the one i used to have.
she received notice that her companies open enrollment period was starting 3 weeks ago and that it ended yesterday. this morning she told me that she just realized she never did the enrollment so we are going to be losing our insurance (medical, dental and vision.)
now here's where i might be the ah when she told me i exploded. i am on three medications for my mental health that i can't just stop taking, and i was really scared. i got pissed, how could she miss something so important. i handle all of our other bills, i make sure the rent is paid and i make sure our lights, phone and internet stay on. how can she miss this when it puts me in a very dangerous health predicament. i screamed at her for just laying in bed crying instead of trying to find a solution, i slammed some doors and i was just generally kind of rude as i got my shit together and left to go help a friend with something i had told him i'd help him with last week.
my wife is wonderful, and does suffer from adhd, and it was clear she felt like shit for forgetting, but i couldn't help but be hurt,scared and angry. so aita for yelling at her? | aita for getting pissed my wife missed open enrollment for benefits. | 1,136 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p8vkv4/aita_for_getting_pissed_my_wife_missed_open/ | 2021-08-21 17:30:23 | esh. you reacted horribly and "screamed" at your wife, that is not okay.
she made a mistake and didn't deserve that sort of reaction. you are allowed to be upset, but not like that. | nta
the people here who are saying everyone sucks are just willfully ignoring how huge of a deal this is to suddenly not have health insurance. his reaction was completely normal for the level of her fuck up. forget his medication, if either of them get into a serious accident during the gap in coverage their lives could be ruined. | nta. she fucked up big time, you’re scared and vulnerable. it’s only human for you to loose your senses for a moment. in an ideal world you would have kept your cool and you should always try not to freak out. seeing that you question your behaviour already i think you calmed down and are trying to resolve this as calmly as possible. | nta. she had three weeks. this isn't "forgetting" this is "not doing." | also, even though esh, you owe your wife an apology. | nta. normally i'd ask if your insurance could cover it, buuuut....i make less than my husband, but my insurance is a thousand times better than his. got him on my plan during covid and i don't want him wasting money on his company's bs plan. | nta and your wife is. everyone saying it's not the end of the world, it can be. forget the meds, what happens if you get sick or hurt? the average going price for an icu stay for covid is about 500 thousand dollars, heart surgery around 300, a large burn can top a million. not having health insurance can and does bankrupt families everyday. you can lose everything you have when you have to file bankruptcy for major medical bills. us health care is amazingly expensive. i know for my self, my one migraine injection a month is 600 dollars, with insurance i pay 45. it really is a serious issue and your wife may have screwed your finances for years to come. | nta.
i'm super tired of this weaponized politeness. because now we're all focusing on the fact that you yelled instead of the very serious reason you did so in the first place.
she put your health in jeopardy because she was lazy...or what? disruptions in medication are no joke. if you needed these medication for cancer treatments i'm pretty sure more people wouldn't be chiding you for your tone.
should you have yelled? i mean, no. but, you had been given devastating news about a situation that can be very inflexible. good luck. | nta. my employer handles their insurance the same way. nothing has changed on my paperwork the entire time i’ve worked there and i have to re-enroll every year or lose benefits.
she knows how important your mental health is and that you require medication and she still did not take the appropriate steps to ensure you keep coverage?
i have adhd myself. she didn’t forget for three weeks. she made a conscious decision not to complete open enrollment. | nta she’s a grown woman who fucked up something really important. if you know she has adhd, then she knows she has it and should know to have coping mechanisms in place that keep her from fucking up such important things. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.954613 |
hi, this is a throwaway as i don’t want this linked to my main account. apologies for mobile formatting yada yada.
so i’ll get right into it. i (19m) go to a top university in the uk. i am a second year and live with my ex girlfriend (19f) and 3 of our mutual friends. this came about because in my first year, i started dating my now ex near the start of uni and we all decided to live together for second year. near the end of the year she cheated on me by sleeping with some random bloke she’d pulled in a club. i confronted her and broke it off.
fast forward to september and the arrangement is now very awkward as we’re not on speaking terms, yet share a house. there is a lot of tension and mutual dislike in the air. she has done a lot of petty things so far this year which i won’t get into, but safe to say she’s pissed off everyone in the house and there are arguments almost daily.
well a couple of nights ago i was coming back from a night out with my friends at around 2 or 3am, and it’s possibly important here to note that she doesn’t have any friends at university, whereas i am involved in several societies, was always the ‘popular’ social butterfly of our house, go out multiple times a week etc and that this was always a point of contention during our relationship as, though she didn’t like to admit it, she was always jealous.
i went into the kitchen to fill up a bottle of water. i’m quite drunk at this point. well lo and behold she is in there and turns to me to say something along the lines of ‘drunk again?’ with a smirk and belittled me for enjoying myself. i said it’s not my fault she’s a loner and that nobody likes her, we argued a bit about cleaning and other household issues. she then says that at least adam liked her and that’s why she cheated because he was better than me, which really pissed me off.
i mention how lonely it must be to have no friends and family being so far away and ask if she heard me the other night with a girl i’d brought home. she said she’s glad she hurt me and asked if i’ve mentally recovered. she knew i had on and off mental health issues while we dated. which was the final straw as i had further mental health issues for most of that summer as a direct result of her. i said to her, shouting, ‘at least my daddy didn’t fucking leave me when i was 5, if he could see you now he’d leave all over again you dirty little cunt.’
she burst out crying and ran from the kitchen. she had her mum pick her up the next day, and i haven’t seen her since. my housemates, who already dislike her are on my side. my friends and family are also on my side for the most part.
i knew her insecurities from our time together and said the most hurtful thing i could muster, specifically targeting what i knew would cause the most pain and distress and probably took it too far, so while i hate her, i’m aware i’m probably in the wrong, though remorse still eludes me.
so reddit, aita? | aita for insulting my cheating ex over the fact her father left her as a child? | 61 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e8uh4t/aita_for_insulting_my_cheating_ex_over_the_fact/ | 2019-12-10 18:25:45 | esh, but the way you write makes you out to be the bigger ah. who cares if she has no friends and all that crap about how great/popular you are? it's not relevant at all. yes, she pushed your buttons and you obviously are very far from being relationship compatible, but you went too far. doing something you know is going to be extremely hurtful but feeling no remorse about it is pretty much the textbook definition of being an asshole. | esh. jesus seriously. you both are fucking terrible and toxic and i really hope it’s only to each other. | esh but somehow the unapologetic cheater still walks away looming like the lesser asshole, you sound arrogant and bitter and childish in that story it's embarrassing | esh. i get "don't dish it out if you can't take it", but hitting somebody below the belt like that is usually an asshole move and this is no different. i've been in both of your two situations with mental health issues and a dad who just left one day and let me tell you, the dadless remarks hurt the most, especially from people you don't like. she hit you low, but you hit too low
ps we don't give a flying fuck if you're popular at school and she's not. constantly saying that just makes you come across as a dickbag. | esh. though i can't see how anyone would be on your side. | esh, though you are the bigger asshole for bringing up a deadbeat dad leaving a little girl. in no way was that the fault of the 5 year old. | esh and its pretty obvious. also you already knew the answer that's why you didn't want it linked to your main account. kinda also makes this pretty cowardly to boot | esh- what the heck is wrong with both of you? | i’m going to go with yta because you sound like a less reliable narrator than keyser soze in the usual suspects. | esh, you are both immature idiots | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.720423 |
i own a townhome and a few months ago i started renting out my spare room. the individual who moved in has been great apart from one issue we have.
when he moved in we agreed that we would split rent and utilities (electric, water, trash, and internet) 50/50.
this was fine until the first month that utilities were due. i sent him the bill amounts separately as i receive them at different times of the month and i think this was confusing for him, we had a bit of an argument because he thought i was constantly asking for money from him.
so we agreed that moving forward i would send him the total amount on the 15th of each month.
every month he gets pissy when i send him the number, and he demands to see the utilities for confirmation. the first time he asked i sent it to him, but since then i've been getting more and more annoyed at the way he's been talking to me.
yesterday i sent him the amount while i was at work, and he texted back saying he opened the utility bills that the numbers didn't match.
the bills he opened were last months, as i get everything sent to me via email and apps on my phone i almost never even open the paper statements. i told him not to open my mail, and i told him he needs to move if he has a problem with how much he's paying, but he's saying i'm being controlling and he's accusing me of taking extra money from him, which isn't true i've only ever asked for half.
aita?
*edit*
after reading replies it seems like i should be sending him a picture or pdf of the statements each month, which i will do from now on.
i'm also going to sit down and talk to him about opening my mail, it wasn't even just the utilities he opened it was also my personal auto loan statement and my w2. thanks for the replies. | aita for telling my roommate he can't open the bills? | 285 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eplk3y/aita_for_telling_my_roommate_he_cant_open_the/ | 2020-01-16 16:24:13 | esh.
he should not be opening mail that is not addressed to him.
but you should not be giving him a problem about showing him the bills. if he's splitting the bills with you, he needs to be able to see the bill too. | esh. him for getting irritable when you send the number, you for resisting when he asks you for documentation.
every month, when you send the total, i would do so via email and attach the electronic bills that you received on which the number was based. “hey, you owe $x for garbage, $y for electricity, etc. bills from this month are attached. | esh -- you should be including a copy of the bill when you are requesting funds, that way everyone is on the same page. tell him to not open anything with your name on it, and you will start e-mailing him the electronic copies of the bills when you get them. | esh
if the mail is in your name he should not be opening it. that's clear.
but he has every right to see what he's paying for. you need to show him the bills. | esh but he's worse. he definitely shouldn't be opening your mail. but i don't get why you stopped forwarding the bills. he has a right to check them—it's not even a matter of whether you're lying, but humans can make adding mistakes. i get it's kind of annoying but it'd take like 90 seconds to just attach all the bills to your "total amount" email, and then he can't reasonably fight about it. he might be a jerk anyway and in that case you're on solid footing to hate him, but like, he still has a right to see the bills if he's paying half. | esh
i actually think it's fairly reasonable to send a picture or a screenshot of the bills each month. every place i've rented has done this, no matter whose name is actually on the utility bill. i've even had roommates break down the math in an email for us each month.
however, he still shouldn't be opening your mail. and you're right, if he thinks he's paying too much then he should move. | esh - he should not open your mail and if he wants proof of the bills, he should have asked you for them like an adult instead of going through your mail. as this seems like a random roommate, he's not your friend and has no reason to trust you so it's not unreasonable he wants proof of the cost - you should have no problem providing him copies of the statements. | nta for not wanting him to open your mail...but he is 100% within his right to see them at some point if he is paying half. when you send him his share, a copy should be included or shown | yta, while i'm usually pretty big in the "don't open other people's mail", you basically put him in a position where he didn't have much of an option. since you're asking him to pay a certain amount, you have a responsibility to be able to support why you're asking that. because of that, you're the asshole, big time. | i don't understand why you aren't showing him the bills that you are receiving through email? why not just send them to him along with the amount that he owes? it just doesn't make any sense to me as why you fighting his need for transparency. you are right, he shouldn't have opened your mail, but at the same time i feel like he was pushed to this, because of your lack of transparency. it doesn't matter if you "only ever asked for half." he doesn't know this and the fact that he's been disputing this means your unwillingness to let him see the bills has led him to not trust you. that does look super shady on your part.
now you caused yourself more trouble for absolutely no reason.
esh. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 0.71942 | BENIGN | 0.998453 |
i want judgement from this subreddit because, on many occasions, i have been too defensive in disputes that others would just try to ignore. i'll apologize to the neighbors if that was the case here. thanks.
we live in a building with three units. the one below us is vacant, and the one above me houses a very unpleasant couple. (i include those two details to show there were no other victims of my behavior.) they are horrible neighbors who possibly have a personal vendetta against us.
late one night we woke up to a knock at our door. it was a cop. apparently, the neighbors had accused us of breaking into their car. he asked me a few questions about what we were doing and our relationship with the neighbors. the conversation was less than like 2 minutes. at the end he basically said "we don't have the resources to deal with this shit at this hour, but don't hesitate to call us if it escalates to violence" and left.
i was pretty upset at what they did. they interrupted my sleep *and* they wasted emergency services time. so the next night, i stayed up to around the same hour. i connected my phone to their unprotected bluetooth speaker. i got some extreme-bass rap music on youtube. and i turned the volume up as high as it could go. after they disabled the speaker i heard them yelling at each other. | aita for waking up the neighbors with their own bluetooth speaker after they woke me up the night before? | 804 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/briku1/aita_for_waking_up_the_neighbors_with_their_own/ | 2019-05-22 01:19:17 | esh
you may be a bit of an asshole, but they deserved that and you didn't cause any harm. it's actually pretty funny. | esh but this is hilarious. | being an asshole to an asshole still makes you an asshole.
esh. | esh. that was hilarious, though, serves them right. | esh.
if this is the sort of stuff you do, no wonder they have a vendetta. you should look into deescalation techniques. your act was super petty and will almost certainly cause more problems. | esh but you're a justified asshole | esh obviously they suck more, but deliberately trying to get back at them also makes you an asshole. i wouldn't necessarily apologize if they don't know it was you because it could make things worse. i'd try to just avoid contact/ conflict with them if you don't think your relationship with them can be easily repaired. | nta - i don't see this as a disproportionate response. if anything, it's the opposite. you gave them a scare and disturbed their sleep. they accused you of a crime. what they did was much worse. | esh but this shit was funny as fuck | nta - i’m assuming they didn’t know it was you? that’s brilliant and well deserved. | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 0.589572 | TOXIC | 0.813165 |
amy and i have been friends for about a decade. we used to be really close but ever since i started dating my fiancé. she has been trying to convince me that he is is using me as a beard and that he is gay and not bi. i have distanced myself as she doesn't listen to me and doubles down every time i correct her. we have been dating for 3 years and she has not let up and actually she has started to try to convince me again after we got engaged.
a few of my friends met up recently and a friend of mine was talking about her recent break up and amy just made an unprompted comment that it could have been worse and she could have married a gay man. it was clearly a dig meant at me.
i lost my cool and taunted her back by saying that i wasn't the one with a dead bedroom. everyone knows that she is really sensitive about it and it something that hurts her a lot. it did shut her up but i felt terrible about it the second i said it. she was upset with me and i could see she was hurt. she said she had to leave early and she left way earlier than normal.
my friends think i should have ignored her jibes like i usually do and not stooped to her level. i feel like it was an immature reaction from my part and i should have just ignored her. i shouldn't have tossed it into the conversation. | aita for bringing up something my friend was insecure about to shut her up? | 424 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ptu5iy/aita_for_bringing_up_something_my_friend_was/ | 2021-09-23 12:29:56 | esh. amy needs to shut up about something that she knows you don't want or need to hear, but holy shit. attacking her for having a dead bedroom is a low blow.
i know i don't know much about your relationship at this point, but... are you sure you want to hang out with this person? | nta. it’s none of her business to speak about his sexuality. if he says he’s bi and you believe him that’s all that matters. the fact that she brought this up not only in front of you but in front of a whole group is a totally ah move. you just jabbed back and said she gets no ass. that’s not even that bad and i think it was totally warranted all things considered.
not to mention that she makes comments like this often where you only made one dig. maybe the reason she makes all this fuss is because she’s jealous that you at least have a relationship. | nta
>my friends think i should have ignored her jibes like i usually do and not stooped to her level.
the problem with people like amy is that if you keep quiet, they take it as a sign to keep on going after you. they only stop once you speak their language i.e. hit them where it hurts. | nta
definitely and i cannot stress this enough the asshole!!! as a bi woman i know how much biphobia hurts and it’s even worse for men. you had every right to defend your fiancé, you already tried to correct her multiple times but she still chose to be ignorant! good for you! | nta i'm sorry, but after multiple attempts of telling her to stop with the lies & insults, i think she deserved it. | nta. - "my friends think i should have ignored her jibes like i usually do and not stooped to her level." - this is why you are not the asshole, if your social group are all aware that she keeps insulting you then it's obviously a real problem. you don't have to put up with her biphobia and frankly what you said was very mild. | nta
it sucks having to stoop to someone else level but when it's needed then it's needed and in my eyes it was she has been doing this for so long, you've ignored her jabs you had enough, and snapped oh well
question though what is the “dead bedroom”? i read in the comments it means she gets no action if that is the case i don't see why she's so sensitive about it | nta. isn't it funny how some people are supposed to just take the jabs and pokes while other people expect to be treated perfectly? | gentle esh. it’s understandable to be pushed to that reaction but it makes you just as bad as she is for responding in such a fashion. | some people are saying e s h but to me this is one of those situations where a person’s been bullied for years and not struck back until there’s a sudden breaking point. in my book for these types of situations i would generally vote nta. reasonable boundaries have been set and crossed over and over again, and in the heat of the moment you finally pushed back in kind. to call op also the ah is like saying the bully and the victim who struck back are the same.
that’s not to say you couldn’t have responded better, but hindsight is always 20/20. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 0.502583 | TOXIC | 0.537202 |
i (29f) was with my then bf (28m) for almost five years. we were not living together but saw each other on the weekends, mostly in his one-room-apartment.
he had this horrible habit of not reacting to any of his alarms, he always set up 4-5 (phone/tablet/radio...) but would just let them ring until they got off by themselves or put them off and get back to sleep again. he also was a night owl, meaning that he could work and concentrate best at night while i am more like a daywalker and like to do my things while the sun is out. i sometimes tried to wake him up from my home - called his landline phone (dunno if this is the righ term) and let it ring until he got up and answered me. this was mostly a sign that he was awake and would not continue to sleep again. even though we sometimes had the case that he answered the phone and talked to me, then went back to sleep and couldn't remember that we even talked (note: he answered in his usual, but sleepy voice even to questions.) so you might get it: it was a pain in the ass waking him up. and when i could sleep in, i always sat straight in the bed when his alarms went off, since i'm a light sleeper. so i put them off, tried to wake him of by shaking him (gently) and talking to him. in 90% of the cases he was grumpy and he complained i wasn't gentle enough or annoying. but since he was usually late to his appointments i had to use harsh methods sometimes.
one day, when i was at my own appartment, i had a job interview the next day in a city where i had to go by train. he had an exam the same day in the morning. so he asked me if i could wake him via landline phone as i did some times before. i agreed.in the next morning i was stressed, had my mind full of things to remember during the interview and was almost late for my train. so i forgot to call him.
when the interview was over, i remembered that he had his exam and called him after. he went full rage mode, said he overslept and missed the exam. and that it was only my fault that he missed it, that he couldn't trust me anymore with such important tasks and that he would have rather asked his mom to call him instead. note: the possibility that he wakes up by landline phone is still only around 50/50.
i actually think it should only be his very own responsibility to wake up in time for an important exam and that my phone call would've just been an additional liveline.
but i wonder if i maybe am the asshole for forgetting to call?
tldr; i sometimes woke up my then bf by calling him on his phone, had a job interview and forgot it. he overslept and blamed me for it. | aita for not waking up my bf so he missed his exam? | 1,376 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k1etom/aita_for_not_waking_up_my_bf_so_he_missed_his_exam/ | 2020-11-26 12:59:56 | esh - as i was reading it i was thinking, "it's not like he had specifically asked her to wake him up and she agreed to doing it." then i got to the part where he did and you did.
he's a big boy and should be able to get himself up, but he specifically asked you to on this day and you agreed to it. that is a mutually agreed upon situation and you didn't hold up your end.
but i think that was a good life lesson for him going forward - he needs to be more responsible for himself and get his own arse out of bed like the rest of us do. | nta. imho assholes do things intentionally. forgetting is a basic human flaw. if you intentionally “forgot” for call him, then you are culpable for some assholery accusations. the boyfriend sounds like a huge immature asshole who needs to figure his process out because being a night owl doesn’t seem to be working for him | esh. you agreed to wake him up and then didn’t. he was relying on you in the same way he’d rely on an alarm because you told him you would, and if you didn’t think you would remember you shouldn’t have agreed. he of course should be able to get himself up as an adult. | nta - it is his responsibility to wake his own ass up. he's the asshole here. you have an exam and it's important set 50 alarms then. you had your interview and your own things going on so don't feel bad either. | nta
he’s a fully adult man. he needs to come up with a method to make his appointments that doesn’t depend on other people.
yes, it’s unfortunate you forgot to call him, but you were stressed and you’re human and humans make honest mistakes. while yours was a one off accident, he has consistently made his problems other people’s instead of working out a solution. my best friend could sleep through an earthquake, so her solution is to hydrate well on nights she has to wake up early. this means she wakes up easier because she has to pee. that may not be the exact solution for him but there are ways to deal with his issue without making it other people’s responsibility. 28 is old enough to learn how to wake up early.
side note: my sister does that thing where we will literally have full conversations and then later she’ll say she has no memory of this. it can be hilarious or frustrating depending on the importance of the conversation topic. either way, it’s always confusing. | nta - although you didnt keep your promise that you will wake him up, it is not really your responsibility, and especially for something important like an exam, it should be his own responsibility. and he is ta for blowing up on you like that. | esh. you should not have made the commitment to call him, and then flake on it. if you have an important meeting and want to focus on that, don't take the extra commmitment.
he's a much larger asshole for letting go of numerous alarms when his gf is over, and for not being able to function as an adult and get up on time by himself. | esh. dude, if you dont want to do it don’t say you will..... you can’t just say you’ll do something then bail on it and use the excuse that it’s unreasonable to have to even do it in the first place, grow up and say no don’t backpedal when you’re the one in the wrong. apologize and move on while making it clear you don’t want to have to do that. communicate | i have a similar issue with waking up like your boyfriend. i used to over-rely on my parents and roommates to give me wake-up calls on important days. the difference? i never expected them to do it. i always thanked and appreciated them if they did, but waking up is my responsibility and nobody else’s. your boyfriend is extremely immature to rely on you *this* much, by any standard. you’re not his mom, and you’re also nta. | nta! it's not on you to wake up him. you were doing him a favor each it me and hopefully he as appreciative of those.
blaming you for missing his exam sounds like he has issues with owning up to his problems and taking responsibility. he also made it about himself considering you also had an interview that day so it seems like he didn't even consider what you might be going through.
he is the asshole. talking about "trust" seems like you should be the one who wouldn't be able to trust him to get up on time for important things. | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 0.436738 | BENIGN | 0.772708 |
i was in goodwill today and there were these two teen girls, they looked to be 15-17 and probably sisters. so there i was, minding my own business, when these two little girls start loudly talking shit about my appearance. they actually said i looked homeless and questioned why anyone would choose to dress like me. i do kind of embrace the grungy, bohemianesque aesthetic, so valid on the first part, but still, rude.
at first i ignored them and moved to another part of the store. the way the store is designed is that the women's clothing section is near the books and they were in the women's section when i wandered back over to peruse the books. again, they start talking all of that shit and by this point i had had enough. so i approached them.
me: excuse me, did y'all have something you wanted to say to me?
they looked like deer in the headlights and claimed they didn't know what i was talking about.
me: so i must have been hallucinating when i heard yall laughing about me being homeless???
the younger one muttered that i'm a crackhead and i went off. i started roasting them, saying they dressed like my mom in the 90's and it wasn't cool even back then, with their steve urkel looking selves. they got big mad and the mouthy younger one was like we're fifteen. it was becoming this whole thing and attracting attention, so i left.
i think this was a great lesson for them. some people are batshit insane and you can't be carrying all of that negative energy around in public, or someone will check you and while most people would let the behavior pass because they're fifteeen, not everyone will and they're lucky it was just harmless me and not some psycho who would have put the beats on em. | aita for roasting teen girls in goodwill? | 219 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b0e0tz/aita_for_roasting_teen_girls_in_goodwill/ | 2019-03-12 22:24:45 | esh
teenage girls being teenagers, check.
but...dude. you decided to just dive right on down to their level. no one came out of this looking good. | nta they were being assholes first and they shouldn't dish out what they can't take. 15 is old enough to know not be an asshole to total strangers. especially ones minding their own business and who you think could be homeless.
you didn't physically or mentally harm them. you just hurt their pride. nta | esh
i feel like you going off on a tangent was a bit immature.
however, it was disgusting of them to insult your appearance so openly. on top of this, they know it's wrong, if they reacted that way when you brought them up on.
next time, the best thing you can do is politely tell them that 'this behaviour is not on, and it incredibly immature and impolite'.
immediately shutting down someone like that means there is no way for them to bounce back. they've already been deemed as immature.
anyways, op, i wouldn't let it bother you. have a wonderful day | nta. they shouldn’t dish what they can’t take. they’re just mad that someone actually called them on their bullshit.
also, who do they expect to be shopping at a goodwill? it’s a thrift store ffs. most people shopping there are going to be low income or homeless. | esh
how old are you?? this is **embarrassingly** childish. grow the fuck up and stop being so smug about being a dick to kids | nta. why does everyone think teenagers get free pass to be jerks. | nta , the little shits had it coming. | nta
people here saying esh, like yeah, it's not cool to insult people.
op kind of has a good point though with the fact there are some people out there who could have really flown off the handle at them and created a much more dangerous scenario. (plus i mean come on what he said is actually a pretty harmless / funny response to the situation). | nta, i am 15 and to all the people saying that they were just fifteen and to let it go, no, 15 year olds should and do know how to act properly in public. if a 15 year old is going to be an immature child, they deserve the privilege of being brought back down to earth. | are you the same age as they are? then esh, they were assholes and you paid them back in kind. are you an adult and they are children? then yta. sure they were assholes too, but you're the adult and should know better. | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 0.436738 | TOXIC | 0.920922 |
sorry for my shit english
i work in distribution for a large firm that produces concrete, timber, metal and building supplies, ive working here for 10 years and i not been promoted in 3 years despite working 60 hours a week and pretty much dedicating my life to this place. recently though, we've had bad management and my new boss is an absolute asshole. he treats all like shit, never says hi to us and always yells at us. he thinks he's so much better than all of us. he also treats the immigrant custodians like garbage calling them racial slurs in languages they don't understand and making fun of the way they speak. anyways there's a new girl who started working a year ago (relatively new) and she's 15 years younger than me and just got out of university. i don't have an issue with her, she's pretty cool but she's inexperienced and doesn't know exactly what she's doing. she's comptentent but she's not ready for the promotion the boss decides to put her in. he puts her above me as my supervisor like wtf. the whole time i'm basically teaching her how to do her job and doing her job. i told my boss that she's not ready for the position and should take it. he told me to stfu and that i'm an ungrateful twat. she even told me she was scared to be in that position and i really do feel bad for her. later i find out they updated the website and a page about diversity at our company and they brag about all the female heads and minorities. she's up there and it goes on about how she's a strong woman who is a role model and a leader etc. its clear my boss either has some bullshit diversity quota he has to fill or is just pandering trying to make our company seem "woke" for good pr.
i get fed up with this bullshit and i find a job from our competing company at a higher position with a 45% increase in salary so i apply get it and then i quit my job. the thing is though, the new girl and i were working on a sales deal to build a few massive office buildings in karlsruhe and the raw materials itself would be at least 20 million euros. i never even formally quit, i just stopped showing up to work and ignored all the emails and calls my coworkers sent me. the girl couldn't handle the business deal by herself and didn't know what to do so the constructionists actually went to my competing company omfg and i set up the business deal there earning them the 22 million euro profit. i eventually told my coworkers i quit and i was done with them and i got a lot of hate mail calling me a traitor, incompetent and also sexist because i couldn't handle a female boss and that strong indepdenetn women scare me. my boss at my new firm is a woman loll. anyways i feel bad because i think i might've screwed over my female supervisor at the first firm but she seems to be doing alright and perhaps everyone else might be hurt because of the loss in profits but fuck my boss. oh btw he also got fired too partially from this but also for other reasons. | aita for quitting my job at the worst moment causing my company to lose out on a 20 million euro sales deal because they wouldnt promote me? | 264 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd4xc/aita_for_quitting_my_job_at_the_worst_moment/ | 2019-05-01 04:29:45 | esh.
you should have formally quit to not screw over your coworkers, but i couldn’t care less about your company. company loyalty is a stupid idea because the company isn’t loyal to you back. corporations will never give a shit about you so you shouldn’t put them above yourself, either. plus, i’m not going to lose sleep feeling sorry for execs raking it in from 20mil deals, fuck that.
that said, i do believe in solidarity among fellow workers against corporate bullshit. so would i have jumped ship to the other company? hell, yeah. but i would have communicated first and foremost with my coworkers to help prepare them for the transition. it’s not my coworkers fault shitty bureaucracies and short sighted capitalist greed has caused the higher ups to wrong me.
and if i was part of a union i would’ve given my union a heads up i was leaving, too, but i don’t think it sounds like that was a factor. | nta
>we've had bad management and my new boss is an absolute asshole. he treats all like shit, never says hi to us and always yells at us. he thinks he's so much better than all of us. he also treats the immigrant custodians like garbage calling them racial slurs in languages they don't understand and making fun of the way they speak.
this is all i needed to hear.
you not only are not the asshole, they got what they deserved.
>she's 15 years younger than me and just got out of university. i don't have an issue with her, she's pretty cool but she's inexperienced and doesn't know exactly what she's doing.
they passed over hiring internally big no-no, and hired someone fresh out of college to pay them less.
>the girl couldn't handle the business deal by herself and didn't know what to do so the constructionists actually went to my competing company omfg and i set up the business deal there earning them the 22 million euro profit
look man, you're not an asshole for doing any of this. you're a shrewd, knowledgeable, cutthroat business man with a razor sharp business acumen.
i wouldn't be surprised if the client received a hot tip that the sales rep handling their account at your former employer is being "fired" aka the sharp go getter and he is now going to go work for xyz competitor company.
i respect your judicious precision in career moves.
some basic advice to live by though:
rule number 1
nobody gives a fuck about you, but you.
rule number 2
if a supervisor thinks they're the hottest shit since taco sharts, remind them they aren't
rule number 3
always remember rule number 1 and act accordingly. | esh, they treated you poorly but it's just bad form to stop showing up. you should have resigned in person or at least by email. | nta, fuck those people | nta. it’s a job, you don’t owe them anything and they shouldn’t make you feel guilty. i left a job in retail right before christmas and my boss acted as if i had murdered her child. but who cares? if you’re that invaluable to them they should treat you like it! | esh - the manager clearly sucks, but you should have at least emailed a resignation. | nta. you probably ought to have formally quit just for professionalism, but you got a better offer elsewhere. if they cant close a deal or operate without you, it's not your responsibility to make sure they don't fail. it's their responsibility to be functional without you. if they were to promote you, or give you a title and salary fitting for that kind of responsibility, you would have been the boss. you weren't. their loss. | nta
you don't owe corporations your loyalty. | nta, loyalty to employers is bootlicking bullshit, they have no loyalty to you. | nta. if a company can’t treat its workers right, it deserves the fallout. their loss. hope you’re getting your talents appreciated now! | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.502583 | TOXIC | 0.670982 |
so i'm going to keep this as short as i can while telling the story, but basically this is what happened. my son (8) heard from someone in school that god wasn't real, and so he's been asking me and his mother questions about that a lot after that. i personally am not really religious one way or the other. i'm not atheist per se but i definitely don't have any solid belief in anything, but my wife is and always has been very christian. she's been trying to convince him jesus is real and honestly has been kind of concerned about this whole situation, while i kind of couldn't care less. i think he's going to make his own choice one day like i did and it's his to make not ours. anyway though, he came up to us last night real excited and told us he had a way to see if god was real. he was going to put a letter on his dresser for god and in it he told god to take the letter with him if he was real. he was excited this morning because he couldn't find the letter anywhere, and basically my wife just told me that she took the letter. she still has it because she wanted to keep it for her scrapbook, but i personally think this is wrong to lie to him about this and i want to take the letter and show it to him and let him know his mom was the one who took it. so wibta if i did this? | wibta for "telling my son (8) god isn't real"? | 208 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/befzm2/wibta_for_telling_my_son_8_god_isnt_real/ | 2019-04-18 01:51:52 | esh
this is a conversation you and your wife should have had already before confronting your son about religion | nta
you should expect this to result in a *huge* argument, so it's not the wise or correct decision. but it would be morally correct. your son deserves the opportunity to see reality as it is. he came up with a good way of trying to learn about the world, your wife intervened and screwed it up. | esh. y’all should have had this conversation when you were thinking about getting married, and you definitely need to have this conversation now.
imo, there is a way to approach this that is respectful of both your and your wife’s beliefs (or lack thereof). you both sit down with him and she explains that she took the letter, because she believes god doesn’t always answer the way we want him to and it’s better to have faith without needing proof because (insert her favorite bible story here, doubting thomas is probably a good one). you explain that he doesn’t have to take things on faith alone if he doesn’t want to, that some people like mom believe in god and that’s okay but other people like you don’t believe and that’s okay too, and that neither one of you is going to tell him what to believe because you want him to make his own decisions and that you will both love him regardless of what he believes in or not. and then you both make damn sure he never hears a word criticizing the other parent’s beliefs from either of you, because he will internalize that shit and think you’re criticizing him if he doesn’t believe the way you do.
but again, this is one of the things you talk about when a relationship is moving from casual to hey we might actually get married someday. | nta people tell their children all the time to believe in this god or that god. there's nothing wrong with telling your son that gods not real. op you and your wife should have sorted this out before you had children. it's excessive that your wife trying to convince him and push religion that hard on him though. | nta this isn't his letter to santa it's trying to impose religion on him by deception. though if you're trying to land this gracefully you can tell him that if there's a god he's not at anyone's beck and call. yes, people do pray to him but it doesn't mean their prayers are automatically answered. mom knew god wasn't going to take the letter, so she took it and you don't think it's okay to trick your son like that. that religion is about faith, not proof.
i mean seriously she made him think god almighty, creator of the heavens and the earth came to his room to collect a letter because he asked him to. now i don't mind some casual "when i die my eternal soul goes to heaven" wishful thinking, but she let her son think he's got a direct line to god and if he tells god to jump he jumps. are you not seeing the potential psychological harm that can do to a young kid? he basically asked for a small miracle and got it. | esh - let him make his own decision on that. santa isn't real but we still buy our kids presents and put them under the tree. having faith can be a real thing to those who do believe and it's very comforting. if he doesn't want to believe in god that's his choice but don't shoot him down if he does. | ywbta if you didn't discuss this with your wife and come to a decision with her. | nta.
she deceived the kid, knowingly, to try to cause kid to believe in something false. be honest with your kid. | nta: i sincerely hope that one day brainwashing children by filling their heads with superstitious nonsense becomes classified as a form of child abuse. stand strong op. | nta. your wife did a screwed up, manipulative thing. is that the example you want to set for this kid? | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.508974 | BENIGN | 0.999152 |
mil fucking loves her birthday. she kept joking when i was pregnant that if i went into labor on her birthday (2 days before my due date) i better hold him in. well karma, he was born on her birthday and she was not pleased. mil came to the hospital for about ten minutes, but said she had plans and left.
this year she is turning 50 and he is turning 1 and the day falls on a saturday. i was super excited that i could have his first party on the actual day, and immediately started making plans. mil said she is having a party that day, so i need to do his another weekend. i thought that was ridiculous because one of them is a little kid and it isn't her. i know technically we could do his in the afternoon and hers at night, but my in laws throw crazy parties. her fortieth was like the size of a wedding and it requires lots of prep, hair, makeup, so it really wouldn't fit.
i refused to move the date of his party. mil got mad and said he won't even remember. fil told me my son isn't the end all be all and she was born first. i told mil she was being a crybaby and to build a bridge and get over it. i said he is a little kid, so his is more important than hers, and she can do her ridiculous pageant/birthday party another day (didn't say that part out loud)
mil is now not talking to us, but not changing the date. this means the family will go to her party, and i feel like she is being really immature. i have no regrets for what i said, but her daughters called me an asshole and now aren't talking to their brother. | aita for calling my mil a crybaby and saying her birthday isn't as important as my son's first birthday? | 9,562 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pateg5/aita_for_calling_my_mil_a_crybaby_and_saying_her/ | 2021-08-24 18:40:01 | esh. really? nobody could find a compromise around times and dates? grow up everyone
it's amazing that the 1yo may just be the most mature person in this story | yta. this one is a tough one for me. if it was her 48th birthday or her 53rd, i'd be fully on your side. but milestone birthdays are allowed to be a big deal, even for adults. so i understand both your side and her side. if it were me i'd do one big combined party for both of them and think it was neat to have a grandson and grandma sharing a birthday, but that's just me. i'm voting yta because of what you said to her: that was just nasty. | esh- a 50th birthday is a milestone just like a 1st birthday. you could’ve worked together and compromised but you both seem too immature to do so. you don’t seem to like mil that much anyway so enjoy your son’s party without her (and half his family). | yta. while insufferable, mil isn’t obliged to accommodate your plans. i edge to mils side because you’re hiding the ball…baby couldn’t care less if or when a party occurs. this is about you and your demand for priority on baby’s behalf. | esh because you all sound exhausting but if i'm honest i'd probably give this one a slight hedge in your mil's favor. 50 is as much a milestone birthday as 1, but one that she will remember and your son will likely just be cranky and overwhelmed with a room full of unfamiliar people throwing him off his schedule. first birthday parties are for the parents, not the kid. and whether you find your mil's love of her own birthday ridiculous is irrelevant. she enjoys it. so find a compromise that doesn't make everybody as cranky as your 1 year old will be at his party. give her 50 in exchange for making your son the be all and end all next year and joint celebrations thereafter or something | yta- you are being stubborn and your mil is right, your son won’t care if his birthday is on the sunday or the week after. this is her 50th birthday and she wants a big celebration, so what? your son will be just as happy playing in an empty box at 1 yr old.
you are going to have this problem every year. be better. this shouldn’t be a hill to die on this year. | i was going to say that everyone sucks here, but because of your reasoning yta. no, because your son is a little kid his birthday isn't more important, especially since he's only 1 and won't even understand what's happening. your son's birthday party is literally only for you. i can't imagine a 1-year-olds birthday party taking that long anyway, so just have your parties at separate times on the same day. | esh. a 1st birthday party is more of a party for the other people in the family. she's correct, the child won't remember. furthermore -- how old are *you?* saying something like 'i told mil she was being a crybaby and to build a bridge and get over it' is a ridiculously childish way to communicate with someone else.
she's ridiculous, you're ridiculous, the whole thing is ridiculous. | yta. a first birthday party is nice but it's a relatively small, subdued affair. of course a 50th birthday blowout needs a saturday. this isn't bout your one year old, it's about you. also, just out of curiosity, what's your husband's take on this? does he really want all this drama or was he happy to move the date? | esh. *everyone* here is acting less mature than the birthday boy. though if i *have* to pick a side, i'm with mil.
>he won't even remember
well, he won't. besides, if you think her digging in her heels and making such a fuss over the whole thing is so ridiculous, why are you so determined to set the precedent that the entire world should revolve around him on his "special day," instead of leading by example that it's no big deal if you're a few days off? | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.994377 |
so my friend 24m luke, decided to come up to visit his family and friends for a week, he messaged me telling me about it and i was pretty excited.
he gets up and decides to stay with his mum and dad, a few days later i get a message asking if he can vent to me.
i agree and he tells me how he is annoyed his mum wants to know all the places he is going to in advance and how she is such a fucking bitch for continuously asking, i asked him why she needed to know, and he said that its because she is driving him to the places. i told him that he is getting a free uber and has no right to complain.
he then tried telling me that that his mum is a bitch for not just dropping everything to help her son. and that he was wanting to go out tomorow but she wont drive him as her medications will kick in and she will not be able to drive, and how disrespectful that is to him. (dad can not drive he has cancer)
i got mad and screenshoted them and sent them to his mom, who is now refusing to take him anywhere, he has also blocked me.
aita? | aita for sending screenshots to his mum. | 636 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bgdnzc/aita_for_sending_screenshots_to_his_mum/ | 2019-04-23 07:50:58 | esh, him for taking his mom for granted. you because he confided in you and broke the trust he had in you | yta - no right to get involved, personally. | esh. he really shouldn't disrespect his mother like that, but you're a dick to your friend. i imagine it hurt his mom, and people need to be able to vent about things sometimes. | yta.
i take no issue with you calling him an entitled asshole, but screenshotting private messages between you and sending to him mum is a complete asshole move. | esh, him for obvious reasons of being a spoiled brat. you for sending off the screenshots since it was none of your business to share the texts a friend confided in you.
best thing to do is tell friend your opinion on the matter (you're a spoiled brat and you need to appreciate your parents more and quit being disrespectful) and/or cut him out of your life for being toxic and let that be that.
though, i will say that even though i think what you did was assholish, he deserved it and his mom treating him the way she did. | esh - have you never been annoyed about someone and vented to a friend, possibly a bit over the top? i definitely have, about parents when they’ve grounded me, bosses who have been dicks and siblings when they’ve annoyed me. yeah i probably shouldn’t have said some of the things i did, but i was talking to a friend and sometimes it helps us to feel a bit better (and helps us not say these things to the person they are about!). imo, that’s what friends are for!
i would be so unbelievably pissed off if my friend then told the person what i’d said. they’d have just caused a whole world of trouble and hurt for no reason! sure you friend was acting a bit entitled, but this is a pretty disproportionate punishment handed down by you. | yta. he might be a spoiled little shit, but he trusted you not to say anything. that was pretty scummy of you. | esh he's the asshole for texting that but so are you for sending it to his mom- ever heard of telling someone something in confidence? he was clearly upset and now you made a shit thing even more shitty in my opinion. poor mom. | yta. you said he could vent, disagree with him if you want, cut off the friendship if you want, but don't go back on your word. | yta!!!
what the heck?? i love my parents to death and i’m sure certain days i have taken advantage of. i would be (and they would be) heartbroken if my friends sent screenshots of me venting. people literally vent so they can just get it out of their system, and not blow up unreasonably on someone else. and i know when i vent, it gives me new perspective too. you’re an asshole and a really shitty friend. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 0.736966 | BENIGN | 0.999174 |
today i went to my apartment complex gym for a quick run in the treadmill. the gym is right next to a pool as well. the treadmills are facing the pool so your view while you run is straight to the pool. the gym was empty. it was just me and this cute old asian lady working out and minding her own business. at one point i noticed this group of 3 guys and 2 girls by the pool pointing towards the gym, laughing and mocking. i turn around to see what were they laughing about and i saw the old lady using of the gym machines in a particular way. she obviously wasn't properly using the machine but it wasn't too bad neither. one of the guys that were mocking her and laughing the most was a 'big boned guy' - i felt so upset by the way these people were mocking her, specially the "big boned guy" that right after i finished working out i decided to head over the pool and yelled "instead of making fun of an old lady you should encourage your friend over there to visit the place more often" and walked away.
​
they came to confront me and tried to even fight me for being an "asshole" because his friend apparently was sick and some other stuff that it sounded like a vague excuse. however, i have never fat shamed anyone before, because i live by the motto "walk in someone else shoes before talking" so i kinda felt a little conflicted afterwards. | aita for "fat shaming" a guy in public? | 669 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/btgj3x/aita_for_fat_shaming_a_guy_in_public/ | 2019-05-27 02:25:29 | esh...except the asian lady. get those gains cute asian lady. | esh, but you're an asshole for picking out one dude when all three of them were being dicks. | esh. just call him an asshole and be done with it. | you targeted the fat guy because to you he was the one that was easiest to bully. and by targeting only him you're implying he has no right to behave that way because he's fat, while giving the other non-fat guys a pass when they're all equally assholes.
esh. | nta - people making fun of others deserve no mercy. | esh. those people are assholes for mocking the lady, and you're an asshole for being an rude to them. two wrongs don't make a right. also, y'all are both assholes because neither of y'all bothered to help the lady do it properly. | gonna go against the grain here and say nta.
if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. people who make fun of others open the door to be made fun of themselves. | i'm gonna go with esh, even though i admire that you stood up for that lady, because there are ways to shame or tell off a person for their bad behaviour without sinking down to that level. personal insults are just unnecessary and often make the situation worse. | going against the grain here, nta. saying that as someone who is "thicc" or whatever, but used to be very fat, and who got made fun of as a kid a lot for being fat.
i'm all about body positivity, but this dude walked right into that one. you went for the low hanging fruit with your insult, but it definitely got the point across and hopefully taught him a lesson about mocking someone like that. my only critique would be to play it as a group insult, or call them all out on being shit bags.
yta/esh only in a chaotic good sense, imo. i'm still sticking with nta. | esh. would have been super easy for you to call them out without making fun of them. makes you no better than them | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.956769 |
"elmo" is a former friend of my husband that hates me with the passion of a thousand suns, he tried for years to get us to break up but when it didn’t happen his hatred grew even more. i am unsure why he disliked me initially but i know a big part of it is because our birthdays are very close and my husband has always prioritized mine. he was always rude and condescending with me, would speak over me, the whole shebang. it was an issue for my husband since he defended me at the beginning but then i just told him to ignore it, i felt bad for elmo because my husband was one of his very few friends.
it all exploded when we announced our engagement, elmo was upset and let everybody know that i was just trying to trick my husband into marrying me because i was a social climbing gold digger. (side note, it would be the other way around but elmo didn’t know that then.) needless to say he wasn’t invited and my husband said it was too much to keep ignoring it. they still sometimes see each other due to a pair of common friends, we would feel awful to request them to cut him off because that is now the extent of his social circle. i mean, he knows people but is not exactly liked around.
last night, one of the common friends had a pre holidays party and invited us. since my cousin "ricky" is visiting i considered staying home or doing something else, but the organizer said he was welcome to join if he wanted. ricky is gay, not a big deal for most but it seems elmo is not a fan although in elmo’s defense he might just dislike anything that has to do with me and not be homophobic but god only knows with him. we were there already when elmo arrived, he was really happy to see my husband and began making small talk with my cousin when he saw me and made a face, i simply shrugged it off and just greeted him to be polite. fast forward an hour or two, ricky talks about his ex and how he misses him but doesn’t think is the right time for them.
elmo interjects and says maybe he, ricky, is just wrong. i look at him like wtf, elmo says "i’m just saying he should let people know he’s gay before he gets close to them" everybody was looking at us now and i just did a *clutches pearls* hand movement and said "omfg, the audacity of a gay person shaking hands with a straight one" people laughed and i just rolled my eyes and went to the kitchen for more wine. elmo followed me and said it was uncalled but he didn’t expect anything else from me. i told him is not my fault he is a homophobe and probably a closeted gay in love with my husband. he screamed, i laughed and said "at least now we know why you hate me".
we left and i apologized to the hosts but told them i couldn’t stay there. my husband found it hilarious and doesn’t care about elmo anymore. the host sent me a text apologizing for the drama, reminding me it‘s not my fault. but my cousin feels calling him a closeted gay was uncalled for and if he is i just made it all worse.
aita?
oh, elmo is 43 btw. | aita for calling an acquaintance a closeted gay and embarrassing him? | 3,172 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/re5n23/aita_for_calling_an_acquaintance_a_closeted_gay/ | 2021-12-11 18:27:24 | esh.
elmo is not a good person. being gay is not an insult (and you know this). i understand how upsetting his actions must be, but you don't want to stoop to that level where you're saying something homophobic yourself. | esh
clearly elmo has issues.
but, i truly despise it when people assume that people who do homophobic shit are closeted. most of the time it isn’t correct, and it is a form of stereotyping that i think is homophobic in itself. while his weird jealousy over your relationship with your husband could be seen as a justification for the comment, i still think what you said is offensive. it was also unnecessary. you correctly called him a homophobe for being weird about shaking hands and that was enough. | my vote is nta and i won’t go into elaboration as to why because it’s been said by others in this thread.
but a question, is the whole “closeted gay” comment really using gay as an insult? i don’t think it was necessarily in a derogatory way. i mean, i’m a straight guy who’s nothing but accepting of gay people. but in this context, it was in response to being challenged *after* she stood up for ricky (gay friend) after this person made an incredibly homophobic under-toned comment.
i mean, are we denying the reality that there are certainly “masculine bros” who secretly might be curious and use homophobia to stifle their own thoughts?
i don’t think op’s comment implied anything negative or wrong with being gay. | i've re: read this twice and still don't see how you supposedly used gay as an insult?? had elmo been a woman, everyone would've jumped on him for most likely being in love with your husband, and that's what you seem to be calling out?
nta, but consider dropping elmo entirely, or ask your husband to officially cut the contact or something, 43 and unable to act even remotely decent with the someone he dislikes for no valid reason? the guy needs to move on. | nta, given his behavior that's probably the case. you didn't use gay as an insult (like calling someone/thing stupid "gay") you called him out on his homophobia and had an epiphany that you voiced. | nta. as a gay man, before i'd even gotten to the party bit of the story. i already assumed that elmo was a closet case obsessed with your husband. don't listen to the e s h, yo uaren't homophobic for making a clear observation that, not only do gay people make, has scientific backing and real world examples. | lmao nta. he has done worst, a little joke shouldn't hurt him | nta, what you said is hilarious. what ppl are missing is that you didnt even use it as an insult, you were just right. | nta, had elmo been a woman, people would assume she was in love with op's husband, so i think it wasn't wrong for her to say the same about elmo. | nta. elmo has been a huge ah to you and you have tolerated it for way too long. | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.862322 |
my mil is insane, and i've had to deal with a lot of her bullshit over the years. she is very dramatic and hyperemotional, and everyone in her life treats her like a child. i've heard a lot of funny/horrifying stories. she was married for nine months and asked for a divorce at a business dinner, where she just burst into tears and started screaming they can't be married anymore. she has a stepmom young enough to be her sister, cheated on her ex with fil their entire relationship, she has an epic feud with fil's sister and once threw a christmas tree, because of a fight with her, so basically her life is like a soap opera.
i do tell some of the funny stories to my mom, sister, and occasionally best friend. i feel like if i have to put up with her, i should be able to laugh at the ridiculousness. i guess it got back to her that i talk about her, so she told everyone that we are on welfare, owe her some money, and have marital issues including a lack of passion and my husband has admitted to not finding me attractive. now everything she said was technically true, but she did it just to be cruel, instead of approaching me like an adult and asking for an apology.
i told her that she isn't allowed in my house for a while, or to see my kids (she doesn't see them that much anyway) and she called me a hypocrite. my husband said i can't technically be mad because i did the same to her, but i didn't do it maliciously like she did. i told her she is in time out and she just laughed and called me ridiculous. | aita for asking my husband to put his mom in "time out" after she told people we were on welfare and have marital issues? | 403 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ixrzmj/aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_put_his_mom_in_time/ | 2020-09-22 17:28:10 | esh so basically you both talked shit about the other enough that it got back to the subject person and now you want to claim the moral high ground? why do you get an automatic pass on your gossip and not her? | esh. pot, meet kettle. you’re equally shitty people. | esh - i understand needing to vent every now and then, but if it got back to her, you probably did more than that. you were cruel about her, now she is being cruel about you. it hurts. i’d take the high road, apologise for your role in it, and try and mend some fences with her. | esh - you more than likely weren’t only talking to your mom, sister and best friend if it got back to her.
she sounds absolutely awful, but in this specific case, your husband is right, you badmouthed her so she badmouthed you, so you can’t act all high and mighty on this one. | esh. good god both of your personalities are horrendous. you’re both awful. also side note you’re married to someone who thinks you’re unattractive? why? | so you ran your mouth about her and in response she ran her mouth about you. . .
esh | esh
shes an asshole for sure, but you ran your mouth enough it got back to her. if you dish it out, you need to be able to take it too. | esh - why should the kids not be able to see her just because you don’t like her? keep them out of your drama with her. you started this by gossiping about her, so she played petty and did it back. she has serious issues, but you can’t really take the moral high ground because as your husband rightly said, you’re a hypocrite. | esh - while she sounds like a trainwreck of a human, gossiping about her still reflects poorly on you, and her retaliating with more gossip about you is shitty too. did you ever apologize for spreading gossip about her? of course now that she's done the same, who is going to be the bigger woman about this? miserable situation all around. | wow...
esh
i would be interested in who spilled the beans on you talking about her.
quite frankly you all need to grow up and learn to be adults. it sounds like your mil has mental issues and isn't taking her medication or has never taken her medication. you would do best to walk away from her.
second, i suggest you learn to work on conflict resolution as well as not gossiping about people behind their backs, this is juvenile behavior and at best drives a wedge between family members. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 1 | BENIGN | 0.899779 |
my girlfriend (let’s call her martha) and i live together. she’s dealing with mental health issues and is right now unable to work. she’s not on disability though, and therefore doesn’t have an income. i work 5 days a week, sometimes 6, because i cover all the expenses.
rent, groceries, going out/ordering in, pharmacy/apartment stuff, and a hundred dollars a week for her therapy are roughly my expenses for the month. it’s really tough and i live paycheck to paycheck.
martha does all the housework. laundry, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, majority of dishes, keeping the apartment tidy, etc. i’d say about once or twice a month i do the dishes, once a week i take out the garbage, and very rarely i cook. she generally makes dinner in our one bedroom apartment.
so lately, martha’s been insisting that i acknowledge she “puts in half” in our relationship. at first i just agreed, but lately it’s really been bothering me and when she brought it up again today, i finally said something about it. it was something like,
“i think you put in the same amount of *effort* as i do, but i am contributing more right now- but that is ok. your mental health isn’t in order and i understand you need time to get better, but i really need you to appreciate what i’m doing for this relationship, what i’m sacrificing, and how much i work.”
martha *really* did not like my thinking this way. she said i’m selfish for thinking that, and arrogant, and that what she does at home is unappreciated. i told her that isn’t the case- if i had the choice, she would have a job and we would both do half the housework. i want her to understand that the current situation sucks for me and i’m working overtime to contribute.
i can’t afford stuff right now like an engagement ring, vacation, or taking time off (i don’t get any paid leave or sick days). sometimes martha will ask where her ring is, and it’s really making me feel like she doesn’t appreciate me or doesn’t understand. if i tell her i have zero money, she’ll say i don’t make enough at my job.
i told her tonight that while i appreciate what she does here at home, i’m still working overtime and putting in more *right now*, in order for her to get better.
aita?
tldr; my girlfriend has mental health problems and can’t work, so does household stuff while i work full time, sometimes on the weekend as well. she asked me if i thought she put in half, and i said no, i put more in. aita? | aita for telling my (32m) girlfriend (33f) i do more than half? | 120 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bb28s8/aita_for_telling_my_32m_girlfriend_33f_i_do_more/ | 2019-04-09 01:57:10 | esh: you're being condescending. just let her have the win, it literally doesn't matter. then this:
>i can’t afford stuff right now like an engagement ring, vacation, or taking time off (i don’t get any paid leave or sick days). sometimes martha will ask where her ring is, and it’s really making me feel like she doesn’t appreciate me or doesn’t understand. if i tell her i have zero money, she’ll say i don’t make enough at my job.
until she has a job, she has no business pressuring you about your finances, and then equating her efforts to yours. cleaning the house is not a 50 hour a week job. | nta unless you have children to care for and clean up after, i would doubt it’s 8 hours a day of housework | nah. it sounds to me like she may be insecure about being unable to work. when it comes to mental health issues, it’s *really* easy to think you’re a piece of shit, and she might be over compensating because of it. she also does do some work, like you’ve said.
but you are working your ass off, and stretching things pretty right so that all works out. i can absolutely understand how you would feel invalidated by her insistence on this 50/50 split. you must be very exhausted!
i think it’s a really hard situation all around, and hard in different ways for you two respectively. but you honestly sound like you work well together over all, and communicate about division of labor and what not pretty soundly. but you are bound to come up against these little blips. | nta.
without kids its likely an hour or so work at most to look after the house each day. | nta you're absolutely right, and she needed a reality check because you're clearly not good with this situation long term | nta !
what a joke. you don't have kids?. do you have a pet? doing housework on its own is in no way comparable to having a full-time job and being responsible for bills. i have a full-time job and i do all of the chores, am a clean freak and cook my own meals. i am not saying this for a medal, just that when i get home cleaning and cooking is my leisure time, not because i enjoy it, just because it's way less stressful than work, you get to do it at your own pace and you enjoy the benefit of it.
if she does 50 hours of house work a week, then i guess it's equal but clearly that's a joke. i don't know her mental health issues, but i am imagining if she can successfully do housework consistently, she could work part-time from home 10 or 15 hours a week to contribute.
it's not your responsibility to be the sole provider especially if you don;'t want that responsibility, and it's a huge burden. she needs a complete reality check because it's very rare in life you can just do household chores without having to work and be fine. if you had kids obviously that would be a completely different story. | nta.
she's pulling her weight at home, but a 50 hour a week job is way less than just housework. | nta: she seems lazy and unappreciative tho | nah. i'm going to give you my interpretation, which could be way off. you want her to acknowledge you're working your ass off because you care for her and want her to get better. as another respondent said, she probably feels guilty/inadequate about not working. i think she's trying to say,"hey see how i contribute." she wants you to acknowledge that she contributes what she can currently to the equity or division of labor in your household. i totally get how you feel, but i think this is just a communication thing and you guys can work it out.
on the ring...could it be that she would be happy with you saying, "i can't afford that right now, but it doesnt mean i dont want to be married." maybe you already did. i think if you guys are more clear about what's bothering you you can fix this. | nta cooking and cleaning isnt really such a big of a deal. i did that for a short while while my boyfriend worked and didnt complain. now if she was looking after a child that would be a totally different story. | 4 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0.724511 | BENIGN | 0.991428 |
i met the love of my life. i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i’m proposing in about a month.
my friends and i are big fans of parties, they occasionally (read: all the time) feature excessive drinking and some illegal drug use. there’s always people putting moments from the parties on social media.
my gf has a job where if she’s even seen *near* people who are using illegal drugs she could be fired for cause. she isn’t anti-drug or anything, she just likes her job.
i had stopped attending these parties or throwing them myself out of respect for her situation. but knowing i now have long term plans with her and not wanting to isolate myself from my friends i tried to find a happy medium.
i corralled my core group (7-10 guys i go back with) and said i wanted to throw a party but it would either have to be a completely sober activity or we’d have to have a party with a phone check. they voted and opted for phone check.
gf didn’t love this idea but i promised her she could trust my friends.
long story short the party is in full swing (i’m sober - important later) and i see one of the guys has a phone out. i tell him loud and clear to put it in the phone check like we’d agreed. my friends admonish him too since talked about this at length.
ten minutes later a friend clues me in that this guy is actively posting to his snapchat story with gf clearly visible.
i couldn’t believe someone i’ve known for so long who knows what this girl means to me would jeopardize her like that after i stuck my neck out saying he was trustworthy. i told him to leave. he made some disparaging comments about my being sober that night and how it reflected on my manhood.
i dropped his phone in a pitcher of beer and sent him packing.
he’s (understandably) irate at the damage his phone allegedly sustained. usually i’d be on his side, but i feel like we’re even considering the risk he put my gf at after several clear warnings.
i know the party was a bad idea and i have to re-evaluate my circle of friends — but aita over wrecking his phone specifically?
*tl;dr i had a party where guests agreed to not bring cameras or phones in. one of the guests ignored the agreement. i gave him a warning. he persisted. his actions put my girlfriend at risk. i dropped his phone in a pitcher of beer and threw him out. aita for what happened to his phone?* | aita for breaking my friend’s phone after he took nonconsensual video? | 3,039 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/clu3nd/aita_for_breaking_my_friends_phone_after_he_took/ | 2019-08-04 08:25:49 | esh
he should have abided by the rules of the night and you shouldn’t have destroyed his phone. it’s not like destroying the phone would’ve deleted any of the pics/vids from his snapchat story. | esh.
yeah, he's a disrespectful ass, but you have no right to break his property.
the appropriate response would have been to kick him out and never speak to him again, not "punish" him by destroying his (possibly expensive) phone.
what a stupid move on your part. you will also be legally liable for causing damage to his property. | esh, or rather, both you and the guy whose phone you wrecked do. but he sucks way more than you do in my opinion.
i will never understand why anyone thinks it’s cool to take videos of other people doing drugs at parties. nobody wants to be filmed doing that, and nobody watching a story of random folks railing lines is going to think that the poster is cool.
but *this* guy is next level lame — i have never even heard of people having to do a phone check, but y’all made the rules super clear on that and the fact that he *still* managed to fuck up is astounding. what a tool.
however, as you seem to know, you took it a step too far by breaking his phone. there were ways you could have handled that situation without causing that expensive of property damage. | esh. you had no need to destroy his phone.
>i know the party was a bad idea
yup. if your girlfriend can't be seen at a party with alcohol, it's her responsibility not to go to them. you can't just police the phone use of everybody else at the party (even if they agree to it beforehand). | esh
two wrongs don’t make a right. instead of destroying his phone, you should have been making sure he used it to remove the pics.
but dude, you’ve got this commitment thing all arse about tit. so here’s some well-intentioned unsolicited advice:
your story should be that you met this woman, she can’t be seen around people using illegal drugs, so you found a happy medium of people checking their phones when they come to your house; then you decided you want to marry her, so now you won’t be throwing or attending any of these parties again. *not* the other way around.
you don’t increase your commitment to her by moving backwards on this. seriously, what the duck is wrong with you? if you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then you need to commit right now not just to never throwing or attending one of these parties again, but to never *taking illegal drugs* again.
and don’t do that when you propose as a condition of “i want to marry you and if you say yes i’ll try to do x”. do it right now because you screwed up and in doing so you have finally realised that there is no such thing as a happy compromise that doesn’t put her at risk.
then propose to her only *after* you’ve done this for a while and convinced yourself you really can stick to it *for the rest of your life*, and shown her that you actually mean it.
there’s a good chance this means permanently growing apart from some of your good friends, and you need to be cool with that - do not ever resent her for it - it’s your problem and you have to choose. in fact i would hang back on the proposal until you’ve experienced this and are sure you are happy to live with it. | esh
why does your girlfriend have to attend this party to begin with? if she cared so much about her job, she would have stayed far, far away and if you loved her, you wouldn't guilt her for that decision.
i implore you to reconsider proposing to this woman right now. you appear to still be in your "college bro" phase. also, if your gf can't be photographed around illegal drugs, the answer is to stay away from illegal drugs, not to stay away from being photographed (because that is uncontrollable).
you both have some maturity issues.
also, did you consider that destroying this guys phone might encourage him to seek revenge by posting the videos though some other means? surely whatever he filmed probably went to a cloud of some sort and was not actually destroyed along with the phone. | esh that guy was being awful, but putting the phone in a pitcher of beer was excessive. it seems a bit idealistic to try and change everyone's behavior for the sake of your girlfriend, but your house, your party, your rules. | esh
you guys just sound like a bad bunch over all
she shoukdn't be dating someone like you if she loves her job that much, and if you really care about her at all you should be able to give that stuff up completely for her, but at the same time what he did was uneccesary and a betrayal.
part of me was thinking you're a bit of a hypocrite because you were putting her in danger too, but over all everybody sucks
i guess there's no honour amongst 'theives' (read: druggies) | yta. you’re hosting a party full of drinking and drug use and you expect people to be sensible and responsible. your gf is an adult and if she chooses to risk her job, that’s on her. | esh, but by damaging his phone you do realise the video would of stayed up on his story? best choice would of been to get him to delete it then kick him out. there was no need to damage his phone and you gained nothing by doing it. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.997517 |
throwaway.
my sister and me are not super close but i still love her and want the best for her.
i'm 25f my sister is 27.
my wedding is in 6 months and so i sent out the invitations, anyone that had a partner would get a extra little bit of info about having a plus one.
i got a call from my sister asking me why she was not allowed a plus one, i told her that she did not have a partner so i did not include it. turns out she has been dating this man for 2 weeks and wants to invite him.
i told her that it was a no and that only she can go, she seemed annoyed and hung up.
she then went crying to mum about it who kinda took her side, she also made a few cryptic posts that where clearly talking about me. and so i told my sister that if she was going to cry to people over not being able to bring her boyfriend of 2 weeks to my wedding, i would rather you not go.
that caused her to burst into tears and i've not heard from her since.
most of my family think i overreacted and want her to come. | aita for telling my sister she can't come to my wedding. | 368 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/byfpix/aita_for_telling_my_sister_she_cant_come_to_my/ | 2019-06-09 02:41:00 | esh.
i guess? i don’t know. i’m torn. your sister is being a brat. i think you should have given her a chance to cool down before revoking her invitation.
i think you need to appreciate the fact that she is probably rather insecure that her younger sister is getting married and she’s got a significant other of two weeks that doesn’t even warrant an invite to the wedding. that’s gotta be tough.
at the end of the day it’s your wedding, so invite the people that will make you happy, but really consider whether it will make you happy to exclude your sister, possibly irreparably damaging your relationship with her and impacting your relationships with the rest of your family. | yta. to be clear, it's your wedding. you only get one, ideally, and you can do whatever you want.
but from her perspective it's probably a stressful event to go to, with her entire family and probably some chunk of her social group there. if i were her i'd want to bring someone just to avoid the "oh are you seeing anyone" question from all my aunts i haven't seen in four years. "so, uh... when are you going to, uh...?" please kill me.
now you're forcing her into a situation where she says, "oh i'm dating someone. no, he isn't here. yes, he's real. no, i wasn't allowed to bring him. no, i don't know why i wasn't allowed to. yes, she didn't let me."
in 6 months if she's still with this person, then she'll have dated him for 6 months. is that long enough of a relationship for you? the thing is, when you have family you make compromises. if this can make the day more fun for her, why does it matter to you?
this is especially true after she approached you about it and asked you to allow a guest for her. i don't see a legitimate reason for you to shut her down. even if she wants to bring a friend i see that as perfectly reasonable.
> i still love her and want the best for her
you're not acting like it.
>most of my family think i overreacted and want her to come.
yes, you're kind of being awful. | nta.
whoa. what is everyone talking about? you are 100% not the asshole. my wedding is only partners that are engaged/living with my main guest or that i know personally.
inviting someone to a wedding is like offering to buy them a $100+ meal. how many people saying yta would be willing to drop $100 on someone that they barely know and will have only have been around for 6 months. your sister is not a great person for expecting her bf of two weeks, who you have never met and didn’t even realize existed, to be invited.
i get that people are saying you should have a heart, you’re getting married and she’s not, and yes, weddings are hard, but she’s there to support and love you, her sister. if she reallly needs a plus 1, she should bring someone that you know. also sorry, but for the dude, how awkward is it to go to your gf’s little sister’s wedding 6 months in? i think people on this sub are a little critical of brides, but no, you’re definitely not in the wrong. a plus 1 is not your right, it is a privilege. also they’ve been dating two weeks, who knows where they might be in 6 months. i think you can give her a pending plus 1 if you really feel torn about it, but definitely nta. | esh. that’s kind of annoying that she’s being pushy about it and acting petty but i think you’re kind of overreacting. uninviting her probably would cause a huge rift in your relationship. | i'm gonna go against the grain and say nta.
just because she has a so does not immediately grant her a +1. and you're right - if she's gonna cry over not being able to bring her boyfriend of 2 weeks, she shouldn't come.
not to mention the fact that if they break up in the next 6 months, then you're stuck paying for a person who isn't going, which is just wasting your money. better to just flat deny her the +1. | nta
weddings are expensive & their relationship is new, it's hard to put yourself on the hook for all these expenses when so many people are involved and most likely not considering where you're coming from. it sounds like you could've said it nicer though, or give to see her and have the conversation in person. | yta wtf. it's customary to see if anyone wants to include a plus one, so you already fucked up by picking and choosing who gets an extra. then your sister tells you she would like to bring someone, and you shut her down for no reason. she is understandably upset, so you tell her she's not invited at all anymore. you're being a huge asshole and escalating at every opportunity. wtf is wrong with you? | it's funny. there was just a story earlier about how a bride wasn't going to let her bridesmaid bring her short term so and everyone was saying "nta! it's your wedding, your decision! weddings are expensive and you can invite who you want!"
exact same scenario and it's completely opposite now 🤣 | nta. a lot of people with weddings (in the uk, at least) set a general bar for plus ones to say *nobody* can bring a plus one partner that they’ve been with for less than 6 months (although the duration always varies, of course).
this is your wedding day, not a date for couples that haven’t been together long. i’d argue this even more strongly for close family members, despite the slight ‘awkwardness’ it may create if they’re alone at any point. it’s your big day!
maybe you should make a rule of thumb for the wedding, rather than specifically calling out her plus one? | nta. a boyfriend of 2 weeks does not warrant a +1. you have no idea what this guy is like, and weddings are not to play "meet the strangers." | 4 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.584175 | BENIGN | 0.996767 |
hey guys so a little context. i recently moved in with my friend i've known for over 10 years now and everything was fine, until he started playing video games and staying up till 2am when i have work the next morning. now as a gamer myself this isn't an issue at all. however, the reason this is an issue is because he literally screams, yes, screams at the top of his lungs no matter the time.
i always tell him before i go to bed, hey man i'm going to sleep can you keep it down and he says yes then keeps it down for maybe 10 minutes max. i'd be drifting asleep and out of no where i'd hear a loud screeching scream come from his room. this got so bad to a point i sat him down and had a conversation with him about this issue, a very lengthy one. he had agreed to the terms yet nothing has changed.
this has been driving me insane and no matter how many times i confront him, he refuses to change. but i can't kick him out because without him here i'd be homeless.
anyways, after 12 i have started turning off his internet connection via an app on my phone. he has no idea why it keeps happening and i know it has been pissing him off lately, but it's been a blessing for me as i'm actually able to get some sleep. does this make me an asshole or is this action justified?
thanks for reading! | aita for turning off my roommates internet at a certain time? | 52 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s5p1h3/aita_for_turning_off_my_roommates_internet_at_a/ | 2022-01-16 23:41:24 | slight esh. internet should be shared, he shouldn't be screaming.
thought if it were me, i'd play along and scream at 6am when i wake up just to give him a taste of his own medicine. | esh. it's presumably an equal split on rent and utilities so you don't have the right to turn off the internet, he doesn't have the right to scream his lungs out at 2am.
you need to communicate to him and possibly invest in earplugs rather than just turning off rhe internet | nta - it's a noise issue and you are entitled to sleep.
if it was a neighbor making all that noise after 10pm it would be a call to the police for noise ordinance in many areas. | nta. he did not respect your sleep, you tried to reason with him, but he refuses to change. i would've handled it differently, but either way, good luck, usually these solutions don't last. | slight esh, can't say i blame you though - it sounds like a nightmare. | a) you can ask him to move out and get a new roomate (if it's your lease)
b) it's very obvious that screaming after midnight is not in any way ok, your roommate is wilfully being a d\*ck
c) good interim solution since he's obviously not willing to listen to reason, but at some point you'll probably have to have the converation again - i suggest including point a).
nta | esh. he's obviously being an ass but this is not the answer. it's also going to suck for you when he finally figures it out--and he will figure it out. | nta. sleep deprivation is abuse. you're in an abusive situation, so get out of there as fast as you can. in the meantime, keep up the stratagem that is reducing the abuse. | nta and i think ita hilarious. i’d say communicate but that isn’t working. short of kicking him out or knocking his teeth out, you’re stuck. so keep screwing with him. he deserves it | sounds nta to me
info: who pays for the internet? if you do, then nta all the way. if he pays, then soft nta, but it might be time to start looking for a new roommate | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.436738 | BENIGN | 0.673364 |
i feel like i'm losing my mind here.
so my wife, who is stay-at-home with our 4 year old, told me recently that she wanted to get an ipad for our daughter "so that she could have her off her and have time for myself again". i had 2 problems with that. first of all, our daughter is in daycare a few times a day so thats a few hours of free time to herself. what's more is, i usually come home to a spotless house. i of course do my part but its all thanks to her. i asked her how she does it with a kid in tow and she herself has said that our daughter isn't hard at all to handle and is very well behaved, so this indicated that she's not some leviathan that needs constant attention. i know this as well because i spend a lot of time with my family. second of all, i am so very much against kids having devices like that until an older age. hell, the best example of this was just a week ago, this past christmas when my sister and her kids stayed at ours for a bit. their kids were practically glued to the tv and their nintendo switches. they even got up at 7am and sat there and played it till 11pm for goodness sake, that can't be good for you.
i outlined these reasons to her, and further to that fact, both of us have veto power on purchases over $200. i mean i guess we can definitely afford it, but thats not the point. so i most certainly vetoed it, at least for the time being. i'm willing to reconsider when she's older and/or we do some in depth planning about it. so imagine how shocked i was when i came home from work today and my little one was fiddling around with an ipad. i was just totally floored, because i thought we dropped the issue.
apparently my wife had taken advantage of an offer with a local credit union to open an account with them, and get a free ipad. this account has a certain minimum usage you have to reach every month for a year or else you get invoiced for the cost of the ipad. so i asked her why she did it, did she need a new account? she said no. i asked her, did you *want* a new account, she said no to this as well. then i said, so you only did this to get her an ipad, knowing that i'm against it? then she said i'm ungrateful and said that she spends more time with chloe so she knows whats good for her.
i was appalled at that and have just left the house to get some fresh air and clear my head for a minute.
am i being totally unreasonable? i just totally hate that she broke our co-parenting rules like that, with no regard for my input. | aita for being upset with my wife for getting our child an ipad against my wishes? | 93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eibuiw/aita_for_being_upset_with_my_wife_for_getting_our/ | 2020-01-01 01:08:51 | esh
she definitely sucks for getting the ipad even though you discussed it and you're against it.
but the reason she stated she wanted the ipad was to have some free time away from the kid. your answer to that is ... daycare. maybe that's when she cleans your spotless house ...?
momma needs me-time. | yta. you're the one showing no regard for her input. she's burned out taking care of a kid all the time. when you notice she keeps the house spotless, this doesn't translate in your mind to "she's working hard" but "her day is easy"?? what are you on?
toddlers are frickin exhausting. an ipad might not be the best solution. but at least it's something, more than you seemed to be offering. | esh, you more. your wife shouldn’t have just done it, but your ‘veto power’ system is terrible. you need to be able to talk things through and compromise, not just declare ‘no’. and while i agree that screen time for kids should be very limited, your arguments are pretty infuriating— you don’t believe your wife that she needs a break, and your evidence is *the house is too clean?*. that’s incredibly disrespectful and condescending. believe your wife when she tells you about her needs and experiences.
there were compromises to explore, like a strict limit on ipad time, types of use etc, but you weren’t willing to even really discuss it and that sucks. | esh
don't love the way your wife handled it. crafty as all get out though.
i also don't like screen time for children under a certain age.
but i also hate the way you put your foot down, and your reasoning behind it.
your attitude sucks.
did you have regard for her input when you shut her down? clearly not. you just decided your opinion mattered more. so you used your rule against her. she found a way around it. now your input isn't being regarded. sucks, doesn't it?
she is the primary caregiver. she is there day in and day out.
who cares if she has daycare? your wife is telling you she is burnt out. listen to her. you don't get to decide what is and isn't too much for her.
so what do you do now?
you find an actual compromise.
send your daughter to daycare 5 days a week. there are no screens there. download an app where you can control the amount of time she gets on the ipad a day.
everyone "wins". | nah. you have veto on certain purchases but she found a way around it. would have been nice if she had spoken with you more, but not quite ta level. | nta
you have good reasons for not wanting to give your kid an ipad. you discussed it with her. she found a loop hole and didn’t tell you about it. you are right to be angry. | nta. a 4 year old does not need an ipad. when she gets older, sure, but at 4 years there are other ways to keep children engaged, and screens are just lazy parenting. you signed up for parenting when you decided to have children - you can't rely on the technology to do the job for you | nta- but you can limit what is added to the device and use controls. a 4yo can learn about the alphabet, numbers writing on many types of apps. the are timers and restrictions. so if it gives her some time for herself, then good. it’s hard entertaining a 4yo all day at home. | yta unless she has veto power over the staplers you use at work.
i jest. kind of.
entertaining a 4 year old all day sounds boring and monotonous. obviously you two should share major decision making, but i think the person who spends all day with the kid should have more voting power about how *that time* is spent.
seriously, it's easy for you to say "no ipads" when you have no need for one. if you guys did alternating weeks staying at home, you'd probably have gone through like 5 by now. | esh. it sounds like your wife does need a break she's not getting (since presumably she's spending daycare hours on keeping the house "spotless"), but giving a 4 year old their own ipad is massively inappropriate. i just wrote an article about this, funnily enough, so the aap guidelines are fresh in my mind: no more than an hour of screen time per day for a 4 year old, and it should be heavily supervised -- interactive, if possible. like, it should be roughly the same as playing or reading with her, not just putting it in her hands and wandering away.
now, that doesn't mean using it that way on very rare occasions will ruin your daughter, like if something urgent comes up and she *needs* to be distracted for a bit. but it shouldn't be used for daily "me time" for your wife. y'all need to figure out a better way to give that to her. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 0.427515 | BENIGN | 0.933443 |
so about 3 weeks ago, i woke up in the morning to the sound of my gfs phone vibrating against my bedside table and i see that it’s k (we’ll call him) calling. k and my gf have an on-and-off romantic history and, while she’s never blatantly stated that she wants to go back to him, she reminisces about the “good times” they had together more than i’d like to remember. needless to say, i’d always suspected something happening on the side between them and i finally decided then that i needed some answers. i quickly picked the phone up off the table and went in the other room while my gf was still asleep and answered it. sure enough, it was k and all i asked him was if he wanted my gf back. he admitted he did and that they had indeed been seeing each other on the side for a long time but said that nothing of a sexual nature had taken place (bs). fed up, i told him it was cool and to go ahead and continue seeing my gf but not to relay this call to her as i would deal with our problems myself and didn’t need more trust issues. he agreed. so i continue my relationship with my gf cuz she’s pretty hot and good in bed and open some things on the side as well. but just a couple days ago, i decided to get into something serious with one of my side things and obviously needed to call it quits with the current gf. so i just told her the truth: that she didn’t make me happy anymore and that i found someone else. my gf got mad that i was “cheating” but then i brought up that i know and have evidence of her infidelity too. then she started sobbing claiming that “her and k are just friends bla blah.” and after she said that, i was just done so i left her apartment and am currently ghosting her to the best of my ability. but when i confided in my philosophical friend about this incident, he said that “two wrongs don’t make a right” and that my evidence was shoddy. so now i’m here and i think i’m perfectly in the right here. she got what was coming to her but i’m curious to know if people agree with what my best friend thinks cuz i value his opinion too. aita for this? | aita for opening up the relationship after my gf cheated? | 163 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bpw7pi/aita_for_opening_up_the_relationship_after_my_gf/ | 2019-05-17 20:21:15 | esh
> “two wrongs don’t make a right”
your friend is right, you both suck. | yta.
christ. first, you got on her phone and answered it behind her back. then you told the guy to not tell her (lie). and look at how you talk about her.
yep, you're an asshole. and a "nice guy." good on your for really only staying with her cause she's hot and good in bed. lol. what a dick.
and really, you have zero clue that she is really cheating on you. this dude wants her back? they hang out? that doesn't mean they are fucking. i could mean they are fucking. but you clearly don't trust her anyway based on all the shit you said.
all you know is they hung out and nothing happened. you're making up a bunch of other shit with no proof besides your own fuckin' jealousy.
she didn't do shit wrong, hanging out with someone. if you don't like it then don't fuckin' date her, genius. | hold up, you got "fed up" with her having a side piece while you also had a side piece?
esh. | esh
you lost me at the words “one of my side things”. are you honestly angry with your gf for doing something you were yourself doing? | so your evidence is her keeping in contact with an ex? i keep in contact with my ex. i see him constantly. his best friend has told me he still wants to be with me. that doesn’t make me a cheater.
you are 100% the asshole. not just because 2 wrongs don’t make a right but cheating is awful in any situation. you don’t have hard evidence (like seeing them being sexual).
plus your views about women are quite frankly disgusting. “i stuck with her because she’s hot and good in bed”.
not only are you an asshole, but you’re a scum bag and i’m glad your ex doesn’t have to deal with it anymore. | yta
an open relationship is something agreed to by both parties. k said there was nothing physical and rather then speak to her about it, your reaction was to start seeing someone else. had you confronted her, different story but your taking the word of a guy who admittedly wants your gf. for all you know hes full of crap and only said this to get tou to dump her.
its a petty move and definitely makes you the ahole here. | yta. just because k wanted her back does not mean that your gf wanted to go back to him. they really could have been friends, with him wanting to sleep with her, but that is not her fault! and you were emotionally (at least) cheating on her and only stayed with her for sex. my opinion- both of these girls are too good for you. | yta. you jumped the gun. always get evidence of cheating. as this reads out right now it seems you only needed a reason to find someone new to fuck. you didn't confront her at all and started cheating right away.
let's be real. you don't love your girlfriend. she's hot and a trophy. you needed a reason to fuck someone else because either she doesn't do it like you want to or you're just greedy and want to fuck multiple people. regardless of your motivations this is not how two adults act in a relationship. the way you acted was beyond selfish and you had no regard for her feelings at all.
for future reference, if you feel something is up then confront them first. you already had the ex's testimony. all you had to do was see if her story matched up with his and if that wouldn't convince you then dump her before you find someone else. what is wrong with people?? | esh. you didn't "open up the relationship". that would involve an honest conversation with your girlfriend and a mutual, open decision. you decided to cheat while she was also cheating. you took revenge.
i understand why you did it--her betrayal must have hurt. but your friend is right. two wrongs don't make a right. | yta, you know what's really common with cheaters? projection. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.627226 |
so i'll keep this short and sweet. my wife and i will have the occasional argument, this will sometimes include the raising of voices. without fail at some point in the argument she will burst into tears and accuse me of shouting at her for no reason, at this point i've basically lost the argument and only an apology from me ends it. so this pissed me off for 2 reasons, she yells as loud as me and usually starts it, and i can never win an argument.
so i decided a while ago that the next argument we had i would record, to back up my claims that she yells as loud as me. fast forward to this week, i had told her i was planning to get a haircut one day after work, but changed my mind because of the rise of cases in my area, cue snipes about how it is perfectly safe and about how awful my hair is when it's long, no problem i say, i have yt and clippers, i'll do it myself. well it escalated quickly from there, but i did remember to start recording. it went the way it usually does with her bursting into tears, but this time i didn't back down and we went to bed silent. next day i sent her the recording at lunchtime, with the comment 'please listen to this and then tell me you don't shout' .
so am aita for recording her, she, my mil & sil and surprisingly even my best mate do think i am. them because it's pretty and childish, and him because i'm just bringing more grief on myself. i don't think so and am playing this out until i get an apology this time | aita for recording my wife shouting | 177 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jcf2v5/aita_for_recording_my_wife_shouting/ | 2020-10-16 18:15:56 | esh
yeah shes terrible for playing the victim. you're still terrible for shouting. this marriage also sounds terrible and doomed to fail.
if you want any chance of fixing this yall need to get to couples counseling stat
its not normal for both partners to yell at each other so frequently. | esh who starts an argument over a haircut? if she’s yelling at you but doesn’t think you should yell back then she’s a hypocrite. however, have you tried not yelling? even if she starts it? your point would be better made of you chose not to yell at all, especially because she’s getting hurt and you just want to win. | nta surprised but by how many think you are, she's gaslighting you. if you did this to her you would be called abusive | esh. yes it is petty and childish. but so is she. when you have to start "keeping score" in a marriage, it is not good. it's also concerning that you guys have so many shouting match arguments that you were able to prepare and record one for posterity. you guys need to sit down and have a talk on why you can't discuss things like rational adults. | nta this is pretty smart, and if she needed a wake up call there it is good luck | nta. she left you no choice - you've tried repeatedly to talk to her about the manipulative tears and the fact she also yells but she's either been in denial or she didn't want to admit to doing it because she knew she was acting horribly. now that you have proof, i would use it to insist on going to marriage counseling to help improve the communication in your relationship. | esh. and there's obviously a much deeper issue. if a conversation about you getting a haircut devolved into a screaming match so easily, there's something going on there. doesn't seem like a very healthy or stable marriage at all. | esh, you guys need help if a hair cut devolved into a screaming match. | esh. fun marriage ya got there. | esh. both of you for allowing something so simple to devolve into a yelling match. you also get some extra asshole points over her for thinking you need to win these arguments. | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.84985 |
my sister (k 17) and her boyfriend (r 17) both live with my parents after my parents adopted r when he was 14 to help him escape a toxic household. he’s part of the family now, and i consider him to be my little brother. i (26m) usually (pre-c) would hang out with him often, and throughout quarantine we’ve been playing video games and voice calling several times a week, as he needs a big brother figure and i’m happy to be his.
my wife (27) and i have known him since my sister met him at school when they were 12, and he was always frighteningly thin. turns out it was because of lack of nutrition, and once my parents took him in and fed him properly he was a healthy weight. however his bio parents gave him some messed up views about food that led to him developing an eating disorder when he was around 14-15, and he’s been working on this and other things with a therapist, and he’s doing really well now, and i’m glad.
main point of that paragraph ^ is that my wife knows how much he’s struggled as she’s witnessed it all with me, and should know not to comment on his eating.
this thanksgiving my parents, k and r, and my wife and i got tested for you know what, and we were all negative, so we decided to have a socially distanced thanksgiving in my parents backyard. things were great, r was eating a good amount, no one said anything because of obvious reasons, and life was good. until my wife starts in.
“wow r, you’ve really come a long way from when we first met you. remember when you would only eat if someone gave you permission? haha, glad you’re not like that anymore. (she said a few other things like this but i forget the exact words she said. just bringing up past things he used to do for his ed that he’s obviously sensitive about.)
my parents and sister were just kind of in shock, and r’s face was red and he was just kind of looking down at his plate. i figured no one wanted to say anything to my wife, so i did.
“why are you being such a bitch? the past is the past, just let people eat. it doesn’t matter anymore.”
my wife looked at me with a shocked pikachu face, and left the table to sit in the car. i finished eating (we were almost done), said goodbye to my family, apologized to r for my wife’s comments, and went to the car to meet my wife. she obviously called me an ah, and i said i didn’t regret calling her what i did because she was being a bitch and should’ve known not to say that.
aita? | aita for calling my wife a bitch when she made comments about my sister’s boyfriend’s eating? | 348 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k2fhv9/aita_for_calling_my_wife_a_bitch_when_she_made/ | 2020-11-28 02:46:27 | esh. your wife for obvious reasons. but i just can't get with the everyone else thinking that you calling your wife a bitch in front of her whole family was ok because "she needed to hear it", or "that was the only way to get through to her". no. you should not call your wife names. i'm not even saying you should politely explain to her why she was wrong in the moment. you literally could have said "hey how about you shut the fuck up and let people eat how they want to" and that would have been better. | esh - from what it sounds like, she wasn’t trying to be malicious, she is being tone deaf, which isn’t an excuse for her behavior but why couldn’t it have been a teachable moment. a simple, “wow that is a really rude thing to say and its made me uncomfortable” would have been fine. instead you chose to call her a very degrading name in front of others. that’s poor communication and abusive language so that’s why i consider you both ah | esh. you didn’t need to call your wife a bitch or call her out in such a harsh way. you could have made your point in a more low key way. you probably embarrassed r even more than he already was. | esh. what you wife said wasn’t cool. she most likely meant no harm but it didn’t come off as she might have intended. touchy subjects are best left alone at family gatherings. but the way you reacted to your wife was an ah move. it could have been handled better. she owes r an apology and you owe her one. | nta.
she made a disgusting comment and you responded. did you respond in a way that was particularly nice? no. but you got the point across. you defended him and i'm sure he appreciates it. he's a teenager and she's almost 30, she should know better than to bring up an eating disorder due to abuse at a dinner table. | esh, i don't think she meant anything by it (even though she shouldn't have said it) but where do you get off thinking that it's okay to talk to the woman you supposidly like that? | esh - your wife shouldn't of brought it up, that's horrible social awareness at best and downright mean at worst.
but i mean, you shouldn't of called her a bitch in front of everyone like that, you could of diffused that a bit better. i'd offer an apology for your response but make sure she knows her comments weren't okay. | nta. however, i think she was trying to be positive. terrible timing and just flat out something you don’t say. i can appreciate you sticking up for him and would explain to her what she said was out of line and made him uncomfortable. you may owe your wife a bit of an apology for snapping as you did though. | yta. wife was being oblivious, you were intentionally hurtful. if you claim to love your wife why would you call her a slur? there's mature ways to go about things yknow | yta - it’s would have been fine to suggest she stop talking. it’s absolutely not acceptable to call her a bitch, period. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 0.584175 | TOXIC | 0.916082 |
so, a few years back, a friend and i were drinking and having a good time. we had this thing where we would drink and then drunk dial our friends.
this particular night, my friend wanted to call her brother, but didn't have her phone. she grabbed the phone out of my hands and as she went to dial, it slipped out of her hands, onto the ground, under the railing and down 18 floors.
i was furious that she had grabbed the phone out of my hands to begin with, because i didn't like her brother and didn't want to talk to him and then on top of that she dropped it as she was dialing him. i lost years worth of pictures and videos because i wasn't cloud savvy back in the day.
to this day, we are still friends but it gets brought up from time to time and we get into arguments over it. i still think she owes me a phone. am i the asshole for thinking that she owes me a phone and being a little bit upset to this day that she's taken no ownership of this?
i get it - nothing good happens when you're drinking and drunk dialing but at the end of it, i didn't drop my damn phone - she did and i'm the one who had to pay to replace it. didn't even offer sharing the cost. just nothing. | aita for expecting my friend to buy me a new phone after she dropped mine off a balcony? | 487 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jsc6xh/aita_for_expecting_my_friend_to_buy_me_a_new/ | 2020-11-11 17:16:51 | esh - you are not ta for expecting your friend to replace your phone, she absolutely should have. but, you say this happened years ago and it still comes up. at a certain point you need to either demand repayment or move past it. letting it fester and pulling it into current arguments is not beneficial to your friendship. | nta- accident or not, she needs to be held responsible and pay you back for your phone. | nta - even if it was an accident, i think she owes you a phone. she shouldn’t have grabbed it in the first place and it cost you a lot of important memories clearly | i'd be pretty pissed too, but if you're going to let it keep eating at you, you need to drop the friendship. she's not going to pay you anything, even though she absolutely should. esh - she sucks for taking your phone and dropping it and not replacing it and you suck for not letting it go and bringing it up repeatedly. | nta you break it, you buy it. you get taught that as a child. it's a basic rule | nta. but it should have been fixed way back when not now. now its over and done with. | esh. if she's still your friend then you need to move on from this incident. is having this argument over and over again really worth spoiling your friendship over? i agree, she should have at least paid some money towards a new phone, but she didn't and you continued to be friends afterwards. | nta. if you're having repeated arguments about this, maybe it's time to downgrade this friendship a bit though. | nta, if you break it, then you buy/replace it, basic concept | nta if she's really a friend, she would have been remorseful and offered to replace the phone. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.997118 |
for some context my family is kind of fucked from my parents divorce. i sided with my dad and accepted his new wife (the affair partner) and my brother sided with my mom. my mom and my fiancée don't get along very well, which is ok. i find my mom annoying and overbearing. my brother is a huge mama's boy and her biggest defender.
my brother is married to "eve" who my fiancée hates. just to be objective eve is very attractive and very aware of it. at eve's wedding my mom was wearing a pale gold dress that was sort of inappropriate for the mother of the groom and my fiancée called her out on it. eve snapped at my fiancée that she picked the dress out and to mind her own business. then eve smirked at her and said she didn't feel threatened by any other guest wearing close to white, but if she looked like my fiancée she might.
my fiancée is insecure about her appearance, so that was very embarrassing. well now we are getting married and i said eve isn't invited because of that comment. my fiancée feels supported, but my brother called me pissed off and said he isn't coming, which is fine. my mom and dad are now causing a lot of drama. my mom is freaking out about eve not being there because she "needs her" (they are very close and my mom has social anxiety, but my mom also has a boyfriend who is coming) my mom says i'm being petty when my fiancée started it. my dad is upset and said he always wanted me to have a better relationship with my brother and mother and i just nuked that, and he agreed that my fiancée shouldn't have called my mom out to begin with. | aita for not inviting my sil to my wedding after she called my fiancée ugly? | 422 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pa2j9s/aita_for_not_inviting_my_sil_to_my_wedding_after/ | 2021-08-23 15:48:01 | esh. it wasn't your fiancee's place to call out your mom on what she wore to someone else's wedding. if the bride had a problem with it (which she clearly did not) then it was on her to address it with her mil. your sil sucks for throwing your fiancee's looks in her face. i do agree with you that it's better eve not be at the wedding, but the pettiness on all sides is sad. | don’t know if you are the ah but your fiancée certainly is. she started this whole drama by being rude and calling out your mother when it wasn’t her place. your brother’s wife defended your mother. granted she should never have insulted your fiancée’s appearance (which makes her a bit of an ah).
~~esh. but mainly your fiancée.~~ | yta. your fiancé started it by shocker, not minding her own business. after she insulted sil what did you expect to happen? | yta your fiance started it. it's time to grow up. | yta! why would your wife call out your mother’s dressing choice at another persons wedding. hands down yta. like how can you let your wife disrespect your mom. that’s not okay. you and your wife are majorly ta. | what did your fiancée say to your mom specifically? if she was being rude for no real reason then esh but if she just commented on it saying she thought it was a little inappropriate then nta. it’s your guy’s wedding so do what you want. | esh - you are all a bunch of self absorbed drama llamas who take everything too seriously. lighten up francis. | yta.
you sided with your dad after he cheated on your mom.
your wife was extremely rude to your mom without provocation and has never apologized. | yta
your fiancée (and yes, f- it, i am going to be rude) deserved it.
your fiancée started it (even with the comments to your mom) by trying to take down a woman with an lie (you brother is not a mama’s boy, he choice for the victim in the scenery) when that failed, she tried to humiliate her. that failed and sil made a comeback. don’t fight a war you can’t win.
the fact that you side with your dad, is very telling that you have very little respect for people (or your family)
at least your father was slightly respectful. could have raised you better though.
yta | yta
​
your fiance was the ah in that story. | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.962129 |
my coworker and i were having a conference call recently.
it was me, him, and about ten other people on the call on my landline, but we had a separate discussion going on our cellphones about the call. when the call hit a low spot, we’d switch to the cell and talk about the call. (e.g., “how long can ron possibly go on about one form?” “does liz seriously have her tv on in the background?” etc.)
the critical thing is, when we switched to our personal conversation, we muted the conference call so they couldn’t hear us.
my coworker forgot to mute at one point and made a staggeringly inappropriate comment about a woman on the call’s weight:
“god, you don’t even have to be looking at donna to know she’s a blimp. she’s got one of those fat, porky, voices. if you listen hard i bet she’s eating something between sentences.”
“donna” hung up then and there and i felt awful that she had to hear that, and would’ve been uncomfortable hearing that kind of derogatory talk myself even if it had been our private conversation. especially considering our industry is already a bit of a “boys club.”
but the thing is, he hadn’t meant to say it to her. this feels important to me. i don’t think he would ever have intentionally said that to her face.
so it becomes clear as the incident is discussed that no one is sure which of us guys on the call said the abusive thing. the most senior person on the call asked the commenter to contact them directly to discuss what had happened.
i talked to my coworker later and said “what happened when you told them it was you?” and he said “of course i didn’t tell anyone.” but not much happens in our corporation so this news travelled fast, and it turned out to be especially devastating for donna, because she didn’t know who it was, so assumed it could be any of the people she thought she had mutually respectful working relationships with.
after hearing about how she was coming undone, and finding out suspicion had landed on another person whom we knew to be innocent, i pulled my boss aside and told him what had happened. emphasizing that it was meant to be a private comment.
the boss thanked me for letting him know and enrolled my colleague in an hr sensitivity training plus had him take a mediated session with donna to talk it out. i hear they’re also noting the incident in his record, which will potentially impact his future opportunities for advancement.
he knew i must’ve been the one to tell, because no one else knew for sure or could’ve proven any suspicion. he felt even more betrayed, than i expected, not just because i told on him, but in his words “you know i’m a good guy and i wouldn’t have said that if i knew she were listening. why would you throw a wrench when it was all working out and resolving itself?”
now i feel awful because i don’t think it even made donna feel much better, the damage had been done, so i kind of ratted out my friend for no good reason. aita for not just letting this pass? | aita for reporting a work-friend who made a harassing joke? | 377 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fk1qqs/aita_for_reporting_a_workfriend_who_made_a/ | 2020-03-17 08:31:55 | esh and by everyone i mean you and all your colleagues that were on the cell phone call.
you think this:
>but the thing is, he hadn’t meant to say it to her. this feels important to me. i don’t think he would ever have intentionally said that to her face.
mean's a thing? you're all assholes, especially if your industry is already a boy's club. you can't even recognize that you're behaving in the exact way that makes it a boy's club. having shitty judgemental thoughts about other people isn't suddenly okay just because you don't say it to their face. | esh. the fact that you guys have a private line isn't great to begin with. i don't think you're wrong for reporting him. but i do think you're wrong for acting like the fact he wasn't trying to say it to her face changes anything. | esh reporting him for making such a comment doesn't make you an asshole, the fact that you thought it was fine *up until you got caught* is what makes you an asshole. | yta - you and your friend talked smack about people behind their backs, while on a call with them, he got caught( could have easily been you) and crushed another workers spirit and made her feel self-conscious and doubt all her colleagues
the only good thing you did was not let an innocent person take the fall | esh. your friend, fucking duh. you for the following:
>when the call hit a low spot, we’d switch to the cell and talk about the call. (e.g., “how long can ron possibly go on about one form?” “does liz seriously have her tv on in the background?” etc.)
>now i feel awful because i don’t think it even made donna feel much better, the damage had been done, so i kind of ratted out my friend for no good reason.
so let me see if i follow. y'all are a bunch of gossipy shit-talking assholes who dump on your coworkers all the time, and you don't feel bad about the fact that one of the worst offenders has to go to hr training and learn not to be an asshole, and that he has to sit down with donna and apologize?
>she didn’t know who it was, so assumed it could be any of the people she thought she had mutually respectful working relationships with... after hearing about how she was coming undone, and finding out suspicion had landed on another person whom we knew to be innocent.
and so you only ratted your friend out because 1) she assumed it could be any of y'all (most importantly, you); and 2) she suspected the wrong person? it's amazing and depressing to me that there are folks out there who think saying horrible, cruel things about people is a-okay as long as the folks never learn. | esh, he had a chance to explain that himself to the big cheese. either way, that is a shady practice you have about having a separate line for private conversation during a conference call. see you rip on others for whatever reason, but there you are trying to be sneaky. if there’s something you can’t say on the conference call, you shouldn’t be saying it in any way related to work. this is just karma for you guys, and i hope your boss looks into this side line shit you are doing. | esh- both you and your friend acted like teenagers, making comments around everyone's back. | nta. though you're ta for accepting that behaviour behind peoples' backs.
behaving and accepting behaviour like that simply reflects badly on you.
>you know i’m a good guy and i wouldn’t have said that if i knew she were listening.
do you really? are you fine with him using language like that in a professional setting about you if you're not listening? if you're so sure he wouldn't do that about you why are you fine with him doing it for her? that kind of crap is high school level, it has no place in a business environment and you should know that.
>why would you throw a wrench when it was all working out and resolving itself
but it wasn't. donna was feeling miserable and abandoned, and tbf she had been. you just in a flash informed her that whenever she wasn't around, that kind of talk was always on the table. that instead of caring about what kind of worker she was all you care is about her looks.
you accepted the talk and keep up that kind of behaviour yourself and only came forward because the mic was muted and you got caught and were worried it might lead to you, didn't you?
>he felt even more betrayed, than i expected
of course he felt betrayed, you were part of the good old boys club.
>now i feel awful because i don’t think it even made donna feel much better, the damage had been done, so i kind of ratted out my friend for no good reason.
you're not ta for 'ratting him out', you're ta for being the kind of person who thinks it's okay to brag about "grabbing people by the pussy." | please consider that you have become the kind of person that other people think it's ok to say that kind of thing to. that it was said to her face is horrific, but that it was said at *all* is still disgusting, and you need to think about what kind of conversations you're taking part of that lead your coworker to believe that you would be interested in hearing something like that. are you regularly saying, or enjoying listening to other people say awful things about your coworkers? *why*? he is, of course, more culpable, but you are only very slightly less so. they should have sent you to sensitivity training too. the standard we walk past is the standard we accept and all that. esh, except your boss and poor donna. | nta
your friend, btw, is not a "good guy". "good guys" don't say things that cruel, no matter who is listening. i'd like to think sensitivity training would help, but he sounds like enough of an asshole that he'll just blow it all off and keep insisting that everyone know how very, very good he is. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 0.589572 | BENIGN | 0.802993 |
my (20f) brother (16m) has been dating his gf (16f) for over 9 months now. she was pretty cool and i genuinely liked her.
a bit of info:
my brother was diagnosed with kleptomania when he was 13. it was a really low time in his life but after years of therapy he’s gotten loads better. i won’t go into detail about it because of multiple reasons.
anyways, she found about his kleptomania on christmas after my mom mentioned it at the dinner table and she basically started making fun of my brother.
she kept asking if he was going to steal her stuff or if he was *insert r slur*. she also said that she couldn’t wait to tell everyone she was dating a “criminal”.
my mother was horrified by her words and my brother was very uncomfortable and upset. he was planning on telling her about it on soon because he really did trust her but the way she reacted just ruined him. he told her that he was tired and she should leave and after she had left he started crying.
me and my mom were at a loss. he had a really tough time with his kleptomania when he was younger (our parents divorced because of it, he lost friends, got bullied etc) and i guess all the memories just came rushing back for him and he just kept crying.
i was unbelievably angry. i immediately called his gf and basically screamed at her. i called her a little bitch who should be grateful that my brother liked an insufferable brat like her. i said some other things about how if she was going to make fun of my brother’s problems then i would make fun of her alcohol addiction and proceeded to call her an addicted loser. i didn’t say it because i thought she was an addicted loser but rather to show her how it feels.
turns out, she was on speaker and her older sister heard the whole thing. the lady started arguing with me and said i was a major asshole and said that her sister’s problem was completely different and was more of an issue than my brother being a thief.
i hung up on her but i still believe that what i did was right. my mother, while she agrees with me, thinks i should apologize anyway because i could’ve just ruined my brother’s relationship.
so reddit, am i the asshole? | aita for calling my brother’s gf an addicted loser? | 526 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/klzefd/aita_for_calling_my_brothers_gf_an_addicted_loser/ | 2020-12-28 21:25:33 | you had a temper tantrum at a teenager. what is wrong with both of you?
esh | esh: her for her comments and you for instead of helping this child understand what your brother been through (she's 16 still a child) you decided to call, yell and insult her. also your mom sucks for bringing up something so personal infront of her | esh. what she said to your brother was incredibly ill-spirited and clearly upset him a lot - no one should treat him that way, especially someone who he is in a relationship with. hopefully he can see that he deserves much better than that. as his sister, you can help him with that.
but a grown woman calling up a teenage girl and yelling at her just does not sit right with me, no matter what the reason. did she say a horrible thing? yes. should there be consequences? absolutely. this was not the way to respond though. if a 16 year old has an alcohol problem, there is clearly something going on, and holding that against her is cruel. there is no defense for what she said to your brother, but there is no defense for what you said either. | esh - she shouldn't have said what she did, but that also wasn't your place. you weren't supporting or standing up for your brother by screaming at her and airing her dirty laundry. you were both very much out of line. | esh. she is 16. what is your excuse? | esh
mate i am sorry but everybody sucks here.
your brother’s gf is an asshole for reacting that way and unfortunately you were an asshole as well.
i can understand you, if i were you i would be angry as hell and might do what you did. that was not a good move though...
maybe the best approach would have been your brother talking to his gf alone and explaining everything.
i get you man, you were looking out for your younger bro, i have a younger sis so i get it. but, not the best move...
sorry, esh | esh. she made a teenager cry, and you retaliated by...making a teenager cry. your brother was able to handle the situation like an adult by asking her to leave. why is your younger brother so much more mature than you? | nta - she had no right to insult your brother for his condition. especially considering that she herself can't handle receiving the exact same treatment.
i believe the phrase "people in glass houses should not throw stones" pops to mind here.
op, i honestly would have done the same thing as you in that situation. sure, she's a teenager, but she really should know better than to be this cruel. | esh. everyone involved needs some serious therapy and anger management courses, and i don’t even mean that as an insult. you’re an adult, you need to act like one. you flew off the handle at a teenager, who, yes, was being an asshole too, but come on. | esh. you lashed out at a 16 year old and said wildly inappropriate things for an adult to say to a 16 year old. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 0.778225 | TOXIC | 0.635243 |
yesterday, i (24m) attended a party. there were many of my old friends there. one of the girls, 25?, was someone who i was close to growing up but lost contact with after.
the two of us reconnected and talked. she was drinking a bit, although i didn’t. later on, she was doing things like putting her arm around me, holding my hand, etc, which i stopped because i have a girlfriend and i told her so.
then, she asked, “if you weren’t taken, i bet we’d be together right now.” it was a bold thing for her to say and i guess it must have been the alcohol talking. i just responded, “nah don’t think so.” she was offended and asked me why. i just said “you’re not my type”. she asked me why she wasn’t my type, and i was tired of her bugging me, so i said, “you’re just not what i’m attracted to.”
she got mad at me. she said, “oh i get it, you’re attracted to coked up skeletons like your girlfriend.” referring to the fact that my girlfriend is tall and skinny. i got defensive and said, “well im not attracted to fat basic bitches like you.” granted, she’s not even fat, just thick/chunky. but she does overdo the spray tan and she looks like every basic girl ever. i guess a lot of guys are after that look but not me.
she called me a cunt and later her friends found her in the bathroom crying. people are villifying me but she practically pushed me to it, especially insulting my girlfriend like that. i stand by what i said though, and she should know that her words have consequences. aita? | aita for telling a girl that i’m not attracted to her beacause of her appearance? | 10,895 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bo3ajf/aita_for_telling_a_girl_that_im_not_attracted_to/ | 2019-05-13 13:12:03 | esh. she obviously is an asshole, even if she was drunk. you are also an asshole. not for rejecting her, but for the way you did it. | nta. why do her feelings have to be protected but yours don't? | nta. you tried to let her down easy, she kept prying, you told her once more as nicely as possible you weren't interested and she insulted your girlfriend and you reacted. i suppose you could have responded better, but she fuckin insulted your gf in a pretty derogatory manner, so fuck her. | nta.. this thread should be renamed to “you have to act holy and perfect 100% of the time.” she grossly insulted your girlfriend while unrighteously on her high horse, she deserved every bit of your response! | nta -the hell is going on in the comments here? this girl kept trying to touch and grab him, despite him telling her “no, i have a girlfriend”, then begins to hurl verbal abuse about someone he cares about just because he wasn’t responding to her advances? and he’s the asshole for catching what she was throwing and whipping it right back at her? he politely told her no, not interested, multiple times and she responds with a nasty insult.
nope. sorry. she was being aggressive and rude. what goes around comes around. | nta, play stupid games win stupid prizes. | nta she pushed and got her answer. | nta, you only responded in kind to everything she said. you were polite until she insulted your girlfriend, and at that point you were justified in being rude in return. | nta, what’s the point in taking the high road when you already tried to avoid saying it. lmao coked up skeleton is pretty funny tho. | honestly, this sub reddit so fucking soft. if someone insulting someone close to me i’m gonna roast them. definitely nta | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.778225 | TOXIC | 0.949236 |
i know it seems like i suck.
yesterday, i asked my fiancée what her mac password was. she had some financial documents there. she took the laptop, typed the password, and gave it back to me. i got slightly pissed. i shared my passwords with her; why doesn’t she do that to me?
so, i went to my computer, which she probably uses more than me, and i changed the password. the next time i used it, i asked her to go outside the room so i can type the password. then she got mad. i told her that’s how i felt when she did the same thing. she told me it’s different because that’s her laptop but this is our computer. which it is not. i bought it before we were together, and i regularly upgrade it.
so, aita? | aita for changing the password on my computer so that my fiancée can’t use it? | 80 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f7j6e3/aita_for_changing_the_password_on_my_computer_so/ | 2020-02-21 22:46:21 | esh. act like adults and communicate or your marriage is gonna be a crazy circus | yta because you're being passive-aggressive instead of communicating with your wife.
you could have **asked** why your wife didn't share the password with you. you could have **expressed** how her choice to keep the password hidden made you feel and why. you could have **assumed the best** in the woman you've chosen to marry, realizing that she may have beliefs about privacy that aren't personal or about you.
instead of doing those mature, adult things, though, you acted like a child, and created a situation where you could *punish* your wife for her completely benign and reasonable decision to keep her password to herself.
given that keeping a password secret is wholly conventional behavior, and being passive-aggressive is entirely dickish, yta and not e-s-h. | esh. you guys need to find common ground / trust with each other. | esh - if this is how you and your future wife are going to resolve problems, you might as well end things now and save the costs of a divorce. or.. get some help with how you two communicate because this childish nonsense isn’t going to work out for you. | nta - not married yet eh? well now is the time to figure this out before it gets nasty later on. also potential red flag. | yta
i know i’m going against the grain here, but just because you were comfortable sharing your password with her, does not mean she is obligated to share hers with you. it doesn’t need to be a sign of how much she trusts or does not trust you, it could very well just be a rule she has lived by throughout her life. asking her to leave the room was a silly and frankly immature thing to do, and if you had a problem with her previous conduct you absolutely could have just spoken with her about what was bothering you, instead of making assumptions, petty moves, and being a child about it. | nta. petty? maybe. passwords should never be shared anyway. doesn't matter with whom. | i normally think it's 100% ok to not give your so the passwords to your computer/phone, but it sounds like you did this out of spite rather than a genuine desire for your computer to be a private/personal space so yta. | nta. i did that same thing to my boyfriend when i caught him letting his mom use my laptop. | nta. you should both have separate accounts on each other's computers, but not know the other person's password on either. keep your stuff private, but if there's some reason for the other person to be using your hardware, then allow it. | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 0.581809 | BENIGN | 0.992557 |
throwaway because my main has a lot of personal info and even though i don't care if my friend sees this, i don't want some person who thinks i'm the ah (which i may be) to dox me or something. english is not my first language so i apologise if i make any grammatical or spelling errors.
my friend, lucy (18f) and i (17f) have known each other since middle school. from a young age lucy has developed a habit of asking me for answers to test papers or assignments and i always gave them to her but also made her understand the questions and answers.
junior year i told lucy that i would no longer help her cheat since now our grades had an actual impact and consequence but she always managed to convince me to help her, especially since we have been friends for so long. this is one of the reason why i may be an asshole btw, since i helped her kind of develop this habit of depending on me.
she would always leave a few questions and this basically ensured that the teacher wouldn't find out she was cheating because at the end of the examination, our marks would be different so the teacher wouldn't have any reason to doubt us. (i get as and she writes enough to get bs)
this is our last year in school and at the start of this semester i told her that this time i would definitely not help her. i told her that enough was enough and that if she got into a good college with the marks she got by cheating, that would not be fair to someone who worked hard. she said she understood and that was that. in the first two major examinations she got cs and i guess her parents were not happy.
lucy then begged me to help her again and would constantly badger me every day by spamming my socials or when we meet up with friends. i told her i no longer wanted to talk to her but she would just not let things go and even threatened to reveal some secrets that i had trusted her with when we were younger.
so 2 weeks ago, when we had an examination and she asked me for answers i gave her the wrong ones. she left some and somehow got marks for that but her overall grade was f.
we got the results yesterday and till that moment i thought i was justfified in doing what i did to get her to stop harassing me but when she got the result she started sobbing. like full on crying and i felt so guilty. she later called me a lot of names and told me i crushed her dreams and i feet so bad but i know i did what i did so that she would stop with the cheating. so i'm confused. am i the asshole? | aita for giving my friend the wrong answers in an examination resulting in her failing? | 1,185 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o49p7r/aita_for_giving_my_friend_the_wrong_answers_in_an/ | 2021-06-20 16:45:36 | esh but more her than you.
cheating is wrong.
you shouldn't have helped her earlier. | esh. she sucks for cheating. and you suck for enabling her and then purposely giving her wrong answers.
sweetie, she’s not your friend. the fact that she couldn’t accept the bill and continued badgering shows this. she’s using you to continue getting decent grades. this is a toxic relationship. rather than telling her no and even engaging with her on the matter, cut ties. do not respond. block her number if needed. but there’s nothing good here and you’ve both acted poorly. | esh. she has repeatedly violated your boundaries and pressured you to help her cheat, and that is awful. if you had just said "i really can't do this any more" and stuck to it, that would have been fine, but what you did instead was cruel.
also, if you think things were bad before, be ready for them to get worse. those secrets she threatened you with may come out, for instance. she may also report both of you to your school for cheating. if she will fail her exams without your help, she has very little to lose. you have a lot to lose. be very careful, op. | nta. universities and high schools have honor codes and providing answers - even deliberately false answers - will result in severe consequences for all parties. if lucy asks you to help her cheat in the future, say no and report the interaction to your teacher. | esh
her for cheating obviously. not sure that requires any elaboration.
you for helping her cheat. i'm not sure why you suddenly thought this year was different but it was shitty behavior to help her cheat the whole time
and then you're also an ah for giving her wrong answers rather than just refusing. | esh. she’s 18. time for her to grow up. and you never should have helped her cheat in the first place. if she knew the work well enough, she would have known the answers you gave her were wrong. so that’s on her. but you shouldn’t have given her wrong answers in this instance, and just refused to give her any. time to start growing up yourself too. | esh: you do realize that whether you are taking answers from someone else or giving answers to some else you are both guilty of cheating. why would you think behaving so unethically is acceptable, whether the answers are right or wrong? | nta - sure, you should not have enabled this behaviour, but she pressured you time and time again and ended up blackmailing you. get better friends. | nta. she's not your friend, she's manipulative. yes, you shouldn't have aided in her developing the habit of not doing the work herself, but you tried to cut her off and she didn't listen. that's on her, not you. what's she going to do if she goes to college and tries to pull this? | esh her more so, both for cheating and refusing to respect your boundaries. however, you need to learn how to enforce your boundaries, because intentionally causing her to fail the test was pretty crappy. instead of actively sabotaging her (which, while effective, will kill your friendship) you should have just said no. simple as that. stick to your guns. every argument and reason she offered, you’d just say no. no need for qualifiers or explanations: “no” is a complete sentence.
there was really no need for either of you to take this so far. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.99504 |
so it’s all begins about three months back when i moved down to socal from cen cal for work. i still had an apartment up there so i couldn’t get another one down here because i don’t make enough money. then my mom and brother came down here and my mother in law let us stay in her house. we stayed for about a month but she kept getting visits so we were forced to stay in the car. we decided to look for apartments but they kept rejecting us for not having social and credit. so i asked my sister in law if she was willing to put her name down with us just like if she were to move in with us. fast forward a couple days and they were about to give us the apartment and they called her to confirm everything and she said no and then said she didn’t want to do it anymore. she didn’t give me a reason other than that. anyways my family and i have been living in the car for 2 months but while i was doing that i started a job that didn’t pay me hourly it was 100% commissions and then i after 2 months i made 20k and decided to take my mom, brother, girlfriend, and as a thank you i asked her mom to come because even tho we didn’t stay that long she helped us for a little while and actually cares. anyways we went to this nice restaurant and her sister ended up tagging along. my girlfriend said her sister was with her mom and she tagged along. we started ordering and she started to order some expensive meals. and then when i got the bill it was around 1k and she ate about 200. the waitress comes to give us the bill and i told her to the hills we’re going to be separate from hers. they all looked at my with a shocking face and i was like what? she said why are you paying for them and not me? i told her well 1. i didn’t invite you, 2 you ordered the most expensive things and three you didn’t help me with my apartment which caused my mom, my brother and i to go homeless. she ended up paying for it but everyone except my mom and brother were upset. so am i the asshole? | aita for not paying my sister in laws dinner ? | 88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u7md36/aita_for_not_paying_my_sister_in_laws_dinner/ | 2022-04-20 02:44:33 | esh. she shouldn’t have come uninvited and expected to be covered. that said, she was wise not to sign on that apartment and you shouldn’t resent her for it. that’s a huge liability for her to take on. if you hadn’t paid all the rent reliably she’d have ended up with ruined credit, an eviction history and debt to pay, all over a place she never lived. you never should have asked her to do that. she did not cause you to become homeless, she declined to save you from it at great personal risk to herself.
frankly, your story is confusing as hell. you moved down to socal for work but didn’t have a job? why didn’t you go back to where you had an apartment? | nta. you gave her 3 reasons for not buying her dinner, all legit. she gave you none for pulling out of the apartment. you owe her nothing. | nta. she wasn’t exclusively invited so she shouldn’t expect you to pay for her. if i “tagged along” anywhere, i’d fully expect to pay for myself. i always have. this is what being an adult entails. you should not be expected to be for every single adult, that’s insane. | nta, that was a dinner to thank everyone for helping you out. she didn't do a single thing to help you out, and you proved her why you didn't pay for her. | nta personally, i think if you aren’t invited and decide to tag along than they should consider probably paying for themselves. now if the person who set up the dinner plans decides to pay for the un-invited as well then lucky for them. yeah you don’t look good op because of society’s view of things. but we’re you wrong for that, i don’t think so. | congratulations on the successes at your new job! i spent just over a year out myself, a few years back. it's hard to stay upbeat and optimistic.
even though your sil might have had a proper change of heart about lying to the new landlord or maybe other impacts to her that aren't elaborated here, tbh that has nothing to do with my verdict.
i'm focusing on the dinner. i think your response was perfect: place, time, delivery. i can't imagine inviting myself along to a fancy meal with anyone (nvm a recently re-housed & celebrating person!) and just assuming they would pay my $200+ tab.
anybody pitching a fit doesn't go next time. nta | nta, well played | nta - she is being a major ah by assuming you'll pay for her, secondly ordering the most expensive dish when she first thought you'd be paying and third, expecting generosity from you when she wouldn't help you in the past. | nta. i do not think she suddenly drew back from putting her name down for the apt is an ah move. but tagging along to a gathering she’s not invited, ordering the most expensive thing and expecting the host will pay for an uninvited guest is quite entitled. you are not wrong to be not enabling her entitled behaviour. | esh. this situation has been posted before. it makes for a good revenge story but the sister getting her just desserts doesn’t clear you here.
you knew she came to dinner believing it was “your treat”. and you watched while she ordered like it was the last supper. the non-ah thing to do would have been to make clear all the points you made after the bill came at the start of the meal.
all that said, who cares? do you really want anything to do with this person in the future? | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 0.614932 | BENIGN | 0.949014 |
this is my first proper post so go easy on me. i am notorious for run-on sentences
context: i'm 19 uni student
gf 21 senior at my uni
we aren't living together.
​
my gf and i have been dating for about 4 months now and we're both quite serious hoping this relation ends in marriage. we had been having unprotected sex for a while, until about two weeks ago when my gf asked me to start using protection since some of her friends were getting pregnant and got her shook.
she had gotten pregnant once in high school (where the guy's parents paid for the abortion) and so i understood that she did not want to go through that shit again so i agreed. we went to the drug store together and she suggested we got the really thin one so it'll still be good. (they are suuuper expensive for a uni kid living alone in a foreign country, like $10 for a box of 5). anyway. we got back and started getting at it. it was my first time in a while using a condom and so i may not have been the best at putting it on but after some fumbling about i managed to put it on and we went at it.
skipping the fine details of the sex, the condom was broken when i pulled out i had already finished believing the condom was an almighty balloon. i freaked out a lot and it got super awkward really fast. it was about 2 days after her period so the chance of getting pregnant wasn't astronomically high, however the possibility was still very much there.
we talked about what we should do and i strongly suggested that she got the day after pill as even if the chance was not that high it's much better than having to go through an abortion. a day after the sex she told me that she wasn't in a great mood because she was tired from going to the gynecologist which i simply had assumed the visit was for the day after pill (we live in japan and you need to have it prescribed).
she messaged me today saying that she isn't feeling well since 3 days ago which match up to her ovulation and we're freaking the fuck out that she maybe pregnant. turns out she hadn't taken the pill. going to the main point of this if she is pregnant, i'm not massively keen on paying for the abortion, like i've mentioned before i'm a broke uni student and my gf is living with her parents and is decently well-off. i will be fine paying a portion of the costs of course, but i feel like she should have taken the pill and it's not exactly my fault for the condom breaking. maybe i'm just freaking out early and it isn't actually a pregnancy.
idk...
am i the asshole??
\[edit\]
thank you for getting my shit straight,
info:
\-the unprotected sex was way before her period and so the possible pregnancy is from the broken condom
\-i may not have been smooth at putting it on but it was properly on
\-when i said i wasn't keen, i meant to pay full price. i understand that paying half is more than reasonable. although i wished she had taken the pill causing it to be cheaper.
\-having the child is completely out of the question for both of us. | aita? my gf maybe pregnant and i'm not keen on paying for the abortion... | 224 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b2iqsl/aita_my_gf_maybe_pregnant_and_im_not_keen_on/ | 2019-03-18 13:28:50 | i understand abortions are expensive. you know what’s more expensive? a whole ass baby.
esh, figure out how to put on a condom and talk to your girlfriend about lying to you. | wtf did i just read, esh for having unprotected sex, after that you guys only suck even more with each sentence. | esh - being 2 days late doesn’t mean she’s pregnant.
honestly neither of you sound ready for a child or capable/willing to do what it takes to avoid a child. you should probably just stop having sex until you can prioritize contraception plans. | esh
ffs, you both sound like you're not mature enough to be having sex. you're having unprotected sex and she's suddenly afraid of getting pregnant because her friends are all getting pregnant? she shoulda been afraid the moment your unprotected dick ended up in the same zip code as her vagina. both my kids were conceived the very first time my wife and i had sex after she pulled her birth control. as fun as it is, sex is for making babies. if you're gonna have unprotected sex there's a really good chance that you're gonna make a baby.
if you can't afford condoms you can't afford to be having sex. and, as it turns out, babies are a shit ton more expensive than condoms or an abortion so either buck up and put money down for that shit or pack your dick in cold storage cause you shouldn't be using that thing for awhile.
(i originally went with you're the asshole but i changed it to every one sucks because of both of your shitty approaches to birth control. you're definitely the asshole for not wanting to pony up money for an abortion if that's what you both want. she's an asshole for letting stick it in her with thinking of the consequences. ) | esh. its a bit tough shit. if you don't and she keeps it then you are on the hook for maintenance payments for 18 years. do the cost benefit analysis of that.
wth is wrong with your gf when she got the pill but didn't take it? does she want to keep the kid? if so thats her call and you are on the hook literally. | yta. she didn't hop on herself and knock herself up. you're just as much a part of this as she is. if you don't want the kid, you gotta help with the abortion. honestly, what's cheaper? an abortion now or child care later on? be real. | esh. and also both of you are morons.
that unprotected sex from before could just as easily be what got her pregnant, and why were you doing that? deal with it, dumbass choices have consequences. | yta
a pregnancy is both your and your girlfriend’s responsibility. if abortion is the choice, split the cost.
also, “hoping the relation will end in marriage. maybe it’s a translation thing, but i hope your relationship doesn’t end when you get married. | esh
why weren’t you using protection all along? why would you suddenly *now* think that you got her pregnant when the condom broke rather than the many times of unprotected sex? why didn’t she take the plan b pill? why didn’t you pay for her doctor trip? why would you think an abortion is too expensive if you don’t want kids (childbirth is more expensive than abortion, and an actual kid is more money on top of that)? | > we had been having unprotected sex for a while
...
what the hell.
​
yta. both of you suck, but you suck more.
​ | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.677701 |
my wife's parents live far away from us. we used to only see them 2-3 times a year. because of the health situation the past couple of years, we haven't seen them since xmas 2019. my wife has been planning with mil to have them come visit. i was told it was going to be 1-2 weeks. turns out, mil wants to stay longer and she is going to stay for a month, while fil stays for 2 weeks. mil wants to spend more time with our 2 kids (6 & 8) since they are her only grandkids and she hasn't seen them in a few years. i was not asked about this, i was told. they are set to visit 6-weeks from now.
now, i don't hate my in-laws, but 1-2 weeks is about my extreme limit for time with them. they tend to be very needy house guests and very much treat their visits with us as vacations for themselves. they aren't here to help us with anything, they are here to enjoy their grandkids and daughter.
when my wife told me her mom would be staying for a month i admit i didn't handle it well. i kind of snapped at her that she should have discussed that with me before agreeing to it and that i am not happy about it. she said that it will mean a lot to her mom to have that much time with the kids. and since the kids won't be in school, mil can help watch them. we already pay to have our kids in daycare during the week, so it's not like mil's help is needed.
i told my wife that i am going to struggle with her mom here that long and she told me to plan things for myself to get out of the house so that i don't feel so smothered with mil here. so, that's exactly what i did. i got in touch with a few friends and we threw together a week-long fishing/golfing trip a couple hours away. it is scheduled for the week after fil leaves.
i told my wife about my plan and she flipped out on me. she said it is unreasonable of me to think leaving her alone with the kids for an entire week is acceptable. i told her that her mom is going to be there, so she won't be alone. and she literally told me to plan something for myself. she said that when she told me to schedule things for myself, she meant like 1-2 rounds of golf. or go fishing for an afternoon on a saturday. definitely not leave for an entire week.
we haven't booked or paid for anything for the trip yet, so technically i could still try to change things. but i don't really want to. i know that after 2 weeks of my in-laws i am going to need a break. and mil is definitely not visiting to spend time with me. the way i look at it, now they get all the bonding time they want.
my wife is pretty much telling me i can't go on the trip because it's too long and not fair to leave her like that. now, i haven't been gone for a trip like this since before the kids were born. the longest i've been on a trip with friends was a 4-day weekend trip to vegas 4 years ago. my wife even went on a 5-day trip with friends earlier this year so it's not like she hasn't had this kind of break. | aita for planning a guy's trip for when my in-laws are visiting | 1,268 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vbkh5q/aita_for_planning_a_guys_trip_for_when_my_inlaws/ | 2022-06-13 19:40:19 | esh. yes, she should have consulted you before agreeing to a visit of that length. you're also an asshole for bailing for a full week without talking to her first. you *know* that isn't what she meant and it's very much not fair to her. if you want to book a trip like this you should do so, but with agreement and notice for your wife. your wife messed up, but playing petty games to get back at her will destroy your marriage. | nta if she can arbitrarily invite her mother to live with you for a month without even discussing it with you first you can take a trip after it was her idea anyway. | your wife didn’t consult you before telling your mil she could stay for a month? that’s a loooong visit, and she has undermined her “my mother will help while she’s here” by saying she’d be alone with the kids for an entire week. you’re fine. only 2 things you need to consider: 1) can you afford the guy’s trip? 2) she is equally entitled to a week-long trip with her friends, while you stay home with the kids. are you fully on board with that? if honest answers to both 1 and 2 are “yes”, you are officially nta. enjoy your trip, it sounds great! | speaking as a wife, nta. if i planned my mother coming for a month and not told my husband, there would be no trip - just divorce lol. /s
make sure you talk to your wife, and maybe shorten it by a day or two. compromise, bud! | nta. your wife doesn’t get to make unilateral plans and then complain about you doing the same for a far shorter period of time. especially when her alleged justification is that it’ll give the in-laws time to help out with the kids, so how come she’s now complaining you’re abandoning her to deal with them on her own?
seriously, though, you need to put your foot down that however this situation shakes out (personally, i’d be advocating for telling the in-laws she’s sorry, but the plans are going to have to change), the two of you need counseling to figure out where she got the idea it would just be okay for her to pull this and expect you to deal, because it’s not. | nta. no one even asked your opinion on changing a visit to your home from 2 weeks to 4. and your wife won't be alone. imo her behavior is bratty and entitled. | nta, if she got a five day trip, why can't you? | nta. your wife is the one making decisions without you. you did exactly what she said. | nta. that said, you're gonna lose this fight i'll bet. but if you play your cards right maybe you can get a 4 day trip out of it and seem like a good guy for being willing to compromise. | nta if your wife can invite her mother to stay for a month without clearing it with you, you can go on vacation for a week with your friends. she's probably more upset about the optics than you actually going away for a few days. i say book the trip and let the chips fall where they may. | 4 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.778225 | BENIGN | 0.56674 |
my brother brings over his girlfriend to a pizza and movie night. i get the $10 costco pizza for everyone. the only toppings they have is pepperoni or cheese. i get one of each. we also have some wine in a can, coke and bottled water. other than that it’s a byob or wine.
the girlfriend gets there and acts like the pizza is disgusting and asks if we can order anything else. i said no. she asked my brother to go get her this pizza she likes (a medium cost $24). i told my brother if he goes to take her with you and you are not coming back with a special pizza just for her. she makes him leave before 10 minutes into the movie because she was offended that we didn’t go out of our way to make her welcome. my brother has been calling me all sorts of names and calling me cheap. i don’t think it was my responsibility to cater to one person at the party and it’s rude to get a pizza just for yourself. he called me trashy and i said the only trashy one at the party was his girlfriend and not to bring her around again until she learns some manners. | aita for not going out to get a special pizza? | 9,145 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y4azo4/aita_for_not_going_out_to_get_a_special_pizza/ | 2022-10-15 01:26:41 | op: you can byob but *don't you dare* byop
eta judgment:
girlfriend was rude and (imo) unreasonably picky. i could understand if there was an allergy or even if op had picked some controversial toppings like anchovy pineapple, etc. but just because the pizza isn't good enough? i like a wood fired fresh ingredient fancy pizza as much as the next guy or gal... but even a frozen pizza is still pretty good in a pinch.
op overreacted to that. i would probably bust her balls a little bit and tell my brother to go fetch the princess her perfect pizza. maybe laugh about it and say "what the hell was that all about" with my wife when everyone is gone. but i wouldn't banish them for daring to not like my costco pizza. hell, op said there was 10+ people there, so i'd be relieved if a couple of em declined since i'd be very anxious that i didn't buy enough.
esh | esh. she’s the ah for being rude about the pizza to begin with. you’re the ah for telling them they couldn’t come back. why do you care if they go out or their way to get something they like? | esh
the girlfriend was being rude complaining about the food. but, if they want to go out and get another pizza themselves, you didn't have to pitch a fit about it. | esh or nta
i’m in between:
the girlfriend is fully an ah for acting spoiled over a pizza. costco pizza is big and easily feeds 3 people. i would get this pizza too. this is also your house, so she shouldn’t complain about food being provided by the host
i get where you’re coming from because she is starting a petty fight in your house. but if she is paying for her specialty pizza, i don’t see why she *needs* to share it. i also feel like kicking them out is too much.
i’m open to changing my stance | nta. she’s a snob and rude - that’s not how you treat a host. if she’d had a dietary issue, different story, but that’s not what was going on.
two costco pizzas and cans of wine for movie night sounds like a sweet evening tbh. i hope you watched something fun! | nta
when you’re a guest you eat what is offered, it’s very rude to complain about the food and bring back something just for you. the gf first called the food disgusting and then demanded that they order a different pizza and expected to have it paid for. she’s very entitled and has no manners, i don’t blame op for not wanting her to come back after she insulted their hospitality. | esh. she is rude but who are you to tell them what to eat and how to spend their money? that’s not remotely your business and if they want to spend on a different pizza it has nothing to do with you. everyone here needs some manners in a serious way. | esh. there’s nothing wrong with wanting a different type of pizza. and i get a pizza to myself all the time. no one else in my house eats the pizza i like. but no need to make someone make a special run | i’m going with yta, she may have been rude, but you blew it way out of proportion. | yeah esh. she's ridiculous and an ah for not just eating one or the other pizza. it's not like she was a vegetarian and there were no options (then would be pretty understandable to need something else).
why couldn't they come back? what's the big deal? not sure why he's calling you cheap. she wants something else that's their responsibility to pay for. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 0.589572 | BENIGN | 0.8953 |
pretty straight forward;
my sister has been cheating on her husband for about 3 months (or at least that’s what she told me when i found out). they’ve been married about 18 months.
so i found out when the idiot accidentally sent me a paragraph of pretty strongly incriminating flirting and instructions to meet up while in the bathroom at my house while her husband in the living room watching movies with me and my husband. it was very evidentially not intended for her husband, and even talked about when he would be at work - so on.
i confronted her later that night and she flipped out. she first started saying he was abusing her and that she was doing it out of revenge (i found that hard to believe) but when i pushed on it she tried to play off that when she said abuse she just meant he wasn’t fulfilling her needs.
i told her to grow the f up and talk to her husband instead of betraying him. she said she would. i promised i wouldn’t say anything.
2 months down the line and she still hasn’t.
we play a weekly game of dungeons and dragons, which i run for my husband, her and her husband, and a mutual friend of ours.
conveniently her and her husband’s characters are married in game.
eventually i boiled over and created a situation in the story which heavily implies her character was cheating on his, and i used real world locations and people (thinly disguised) to push the point. finally it clicked in his head, and he thought it was a joke at first, but i kept a straight face and stared at him. he caught on and she started crying and stormed out. he went after her.
this was two days ago and i’ve not heard from either.
i feel like.. i betrayed her trust, while telling her not to do that to him. but at the same time.. i feel like she doesn’t deserve my respect given the situation.
tl;dr - my sister is cheating on her husband, i promised not to say as long as she did. she didn’t tell him so i used d&d to tell him. i feel i betrayed her. but also don’t know if i should care. | aita for using dungeons and dragons to tell my brother-in-law my sister is cheating on him? | 1,435 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ci63tq/aita_for_using_dungeons_and_dragons_to_tell_my/ | 2019-07-26 17:52:38 | esh
you told him this *through a tabletop game?* why couldn't you have pulled the guy aside and talked to him like an adult? seriously?
wife is obviously not in the right for cheating, and i support you exposing this, but not the way i would've chosen. i think you made it worse than it had to be. | nta for telling him after she failed to do so, but yta for ruining d&d for him forever | esh. you're not an asshole for telling him, which was the right thing to do, but doing it in such a public and convoluted, seemingly-sarcastic way was not the right way to handle it.
she obviously sucks for cheating on him
he doesn't suck i guess but there is no abbreviation for everyone sucks except for the third party. | esh (not including the husband)
your sister is a huge asshole for obvious reasons
i'm only saying you suck because how publicly you told him. not only did he find out his wife betrayed him but he found out by solving your "who is a cheater in real life" puzzle in front of his friends. i understand there is no prefect way to tell some one this but he could have been told privately and without having to solve for x. | esh. you did good in confronting your sister and expecting her to break the news. she promised she would, then didn't follow through, so you'd also be doing the morally right thing by telling your brother in law... privately. but you didn't do that. *you made a scene in front of your whole d&d group*. wtf? | nta for telling him, but ta for the way you did it. seriously, that’s like something out of a sitcom | yta. if you are going to tell then tell. don't try to be cute and clever about it. | esh except your brother-in-law. you could have handled this in a way less passive aggressive and dramatic way. | esh, leaning towards yta.
i would ultimately say that it’s not your business, and what you did was wrong. not to mention basically airing it in front of that friend and your husband.
if you were really going to tell him, you shouldn’t have made a show out of it. that’s the most disgusting part about this. what did you expect her to do when she caught on? announce it in front of everyone? and you do realize that you also forced him to make an ass out of himself, right? there’s a good chance that he pulled the ‘oh this is a joke’ card to save face, since he probably didn’t want to get into a serious, *private* discussion in front of everyone, and you forced him to do that.
your sister is still obviously an asshole. cheating is awful, and she knew that she would have had to tell him for three months now. i don’t know if she continued to cheat during that time, or was merely gearing up to tell him, but either way, 3 months is enough time to figure that out.
i would say out of the three of you, her husband is the only one that’s not an asshole here.! | esh. you should of just told him like a normal human being | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.589572 | BENIGN | 0.971999 |
my mil's name is mali (mah-lee) it is thai, and my parents originally thought i was saying molly, which is understandable, but they were corrected and continue to fuck up her name every time they speak to her. i have had serious talks with them that i find it racist and offensive. it is not a difficult name, and calling her an americanized version of her name is racist. their grandson has a thai middle name, and they manage to pronounce that. i finally asked if they were doing it on purpose and they said yes, because she is so haughty and looks down on them.
i told them that i don't give a shit, that is not an excuse to be racist. the truth is i dont like her very much either. she thinks she is so much richer, smarter, more beautiful than everyone else, and she is acts like a spoiled brat, but there is no excuse to call her molly, and i made that clear.
we had a very small family party for my son's first birthday. they fucking called her molly again. she corrects them every time (good for her) and my mom said "sorry i can just never remember, molly is nice though."
mil replied "i don't like molly. it sounds like someone super white, who makes $30,000 a year, and needs to lose 30 pounds, so your daughter." i was furious because i have always taken her side in the molly/mali issue, and it hurts to hear her attacking my weight and my career. i asked her to leave and she was furious. she told my husband that he is a piece of shit son because he doesn't stand up to me, and then left. i did chew my parents out, but my husband says i was unfair, especially when my parents weren't asked to leave, and he has lost a lot of respect for them and is starting to view them as racist. | aita for kicking my mil out of my house though my parents constantly mispronounce her non-american name? | 814 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jpztzs/aita_for_kicking_my_mil_out_of_my_house_though_my/ | 2020-11-07 22:30:01 | esh. it's great that you correct your parents, but you knew they were doing it on purpose and still decided to host them with the person they've been attacking for years. your mil stepped over a line, maybe she was fed up, maybe it was pretty revenge. no one's hands are clean here. your husband is just figuring out that your parents are racist? the next 4 years are going to be fun for your family. | esh. both your parents and mil are ah for obvious reasons. but you are too for kicking only your mil out, and not your parents also. your husband is absolutely right about that. you’ve discussed this with your parents many times, and they pushed the envelope anyway. for some reason, you still view it as them just being racist, when in actuality they’re racists who don’t respect you or your husband either. | esh! you are basically saying that body shaming is a kick outable offence, but racism is not???? errrr....ok then. it would seem the apple does not fall far from the tree, no matter how much you claim to correct them. your ah parents should have been kicked out the second they admitted they did it deliberately. shame on you!!! what a good example you are setting for your child. | this is one of those times when i have to go with esh. your parents are jerks, your mil is a snob, your husband is no help, and you are a poor judge of character if you expected your mil to be on your side. | yta for throwing out your mil and not your parents. i would have told the whole lot of them to get out of my house. | esh. seriously. your parents are racists, your mil is petty and rude. i don't blame your husband for being mad you didn't kick your parents but i don't blame you for kicking mil out. just get rid of the lot. | esh. if you chew your parents out for repeated racist comments but let them stay but kick your mil following one comment, that’s unfair. and while i find your mil’s comment unacceptable.....exactly how many times did you expect her to be in your home and endure racist attitudes and attacks that you didn’t actually do anything about before she snapped back? | this just sounds like that i can excuse racism meme esh your parents are the worst kind of racists and so are you for enabling them. they’re insidious, hiding behind a nice facade pretending to be ignorant when they really have malicious intent. this is just so messed up like wtf | esh. you should have told your parents ages ago that if they did not respect your guest then they could leave. so kicking out the victim of racism instead of the racists is not good, even if she did finally crack.
don't punish only the victim. if you were going to throw anyone out, it had to be both perpetrators and victim. | you're all esh especially you and your parents.
so you can excuse continuous racist micro aggressions against your mil but when your mil finally understandably snapped and went for the jugular when attacking your parents which also happened to attack you that was the deal breaker? did ever occur to you to not have your parents there after they made it clear they would never stop these micro aggressions?
you seriously can't understand why your husband is mad? you're surprised your husband is viewing racists as racists? all you showed your husband was that when it comes to your parents even racists acts against his own mother are ok. you showed you're all bark, calling them out and scolding them, but no bite, actually kicking out the party that misbehave first, when it comes to your racist parents. if he's smart he'll keep his son away from them. | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.830505 |
long story short-ish,
i went shopping today for my boyfriend's birthday, he is 21 tomorrow. i picked him out two very nice t shirts, and a beautiful spring north face jacket.
he has gained alot of weight, and is overweight, and i know how self conscious he is, and latley since he's been over weight he's been dressing quite slobby, sweat pants and a crew neck hoodie usually. i usually have to specifically tell him to go put jeans on if we're going somewhere. he won't go shopping for new clothes because he gets depressed and he says he will go once he loses weight.
although i hate it, i understand because he is not comfortable and lots of his clothes don't fit. i am pretty averaged sized, just shy of 5'5 and about 140 pounds, he is 6'3 and about 290, so i have been very frustraded with him not making an effort and continuing to not try to lose the weight because it is affecting my sexual attraction to him as well as us being able to go out and do fun things as a couple, due to him him being self conscious.
anyways, i thought instead of a new watch and shoes like i was originally going to get him, i thought maybe a couple new shirts and a nice jacket would be a great idea, since he has no clothes that fit him right now. i made sure to get everything in the proper size so he would not feel upset or embarassed when he tried them on and they didint fit.
as soon as he opened the gift, his face dropped and he said you know i don't want clothes it just makes me depressed..and i said well these are going to fit you good! and look how nice this coat is. it's going to look great.
he got very upset and was trying not to be angry at me and said take it back, and was being pretty rude about it (which i guess i understand because he is so sensitive about this) i was clearly upset and he apologized a couple minutes later and said thank you anyway, but i could tell he was still angry and upset.
he says he told me to not get him clothes, which he did, but in my defence he told me after i got the clothes when he knew i was out shopping for his gift. i figured i'd keep what i picked out because he'd appreciate a couple new nice things to wear that fit him .
i feel really bad i made him feel shitty, but at the same time i got him these things because like i said, i thought he'd like having a couple new nice pieces of clothing to wear until he decides to be committed to losing the weight he needs to lose.
just like anyone else,. i know what it's like to be self conscious but not to such a severe extent. so i can't say that i know how he feels when he opened my gift.
am i the asshole here? | aita for getting my overweight boyfriend clothes for his birthday? | 95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bbjdan/aita_for_getting_my_overweight_boyfriend_clothes/ | 2019-04-10 07:55:54 | nah because you didn't know he didn't want clothes until after the fact, and it was intended to make him feel more comfortable in his own skin. you'd be ta if you insisted he wear them, or expressed upset that he didn't - whether he likes it or not, he's the recipient of the gifts and that means it's up to him what to do with them. | nah
i think that neither of you are really at fault here, i understand where hes coming from, but you definitely weren't at fault for trying to get him clothes that flatter him! i think you really should sit down with him and say something along the lines of "hey i know you were upset about me getting you some new clothes, but i don't see you actively trying to fit into your old ones"
i'm not sure what the trigger for him gaining the weight was, but maybe talk about that! | nah- this is a sensitive subjet when it comes to weight. it is so hard to be in a relationship with someone that is larger than you and trying to make them feel appreciated. you have to be firm and creative in ways to make them feel appreciated.
he'll come around, when he feels more comfortable going out.
he did say he didn't want clothes but that's most likely his lack of confidence talking. it could be a good way to help coax him out of his insecurities. | nah. maybe you should have compromised and given him something he actually wanted and some additional shirts. i get that shopping clothes makes him uncomfortable. as a woman with thunder thighs i often have to deal with jeans that fit in one spot, but not others. but the thing is, he needs new clothes eventually. sweat pants and hoodies only make matters worse because looking overweight and sloppy is even worse than just looking overweight. the sad truth is that larger size people can't get away with sloppy dressing the way some skinny people can pull that off. being well dressed actually makes people feel more confident and he'll need confidence to make the change he so desperately wants. | yta for still giving him the clothes after he told you he didn't want them. you should have returned them and gotten him something else. | nah, since you bought the clothes before he told you he didn't want you buying them, but this also sucks because it sounds to me like you bought his present for you rather than for him and i don't think you honestly thought clothes were actually what he wanted. next time it might be best to buy clothes just because he needs them, and buy stuff he wants or likes for his birthday. | yta, only a little, bit you need to be more empathetic to your boyfriend. you wanted to do something nice for him but you also know his body is a really touchy topic for him right now. plus getting him clothes sends a message that you want him to look a certain way/change him, and he may be sensitive to this due to his weight.. so instead of opening what should have been a cool gift, he basically got slapped with judgement. also he told you not to get him clothes. too late yes, but it was possible to not go through with clothes for the gift still.
he needs some help and encouragement, but maybe making this his birthday present wasn’t the best idea. | nah. you’re trying to boost his confidence up and make him comfortable wearing nicer clothes despite his size.
people who are saying that op shouldn’t have given him something he didn’t want well technically the boyfriend wanted to lose weight before getting nicer clothes. a gift is a gift. probably wanted something else. there was a post before about a guy who’s gf got him a wallet and was upset because it wasn’t what he wanted.... yet people called him the at. i think if someone gives you something especially something you need just appreciate the gift even if it’s socks. | yta the dude told you that he didn't want clothes and you knew it would make him feel bad. you did it anyway. | yta he told you he didn't want clothes and you bought them anyway and gave them to him anyway. midway through you said you are letting his weight and his feelings about his weight affect your feelings for him. is it possible you were subconsciously trying to send a message? | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 0.436738 | BENIGN | 0.994245 |
pretty straightforward. i (25f) let my pubic hair grow out. i trim it occasionally so it's not totally out of control, and i naturally have light, thin body hair, but i gave up waxing a few years ago because it's painful and expensive and...just not worth it in my estimation.
my bf (27m) of a few months didn't seem to mind, but recently he made a comment to the effect of "it would be really hot if you got a wax." he didn't ask or demand that i do so, just sort of stated that he'd be into it. i laughed and said that it was pretty painful and expensive, and he again said that he understood, but that he still found it hot. i got a little annoyed and snarkily added that if he got his area waxed, i'd do mine. he grimaced but didn't bring it up again. i was annoyed that he expressed an opinion about my body hair, which i very much feel is my prerogative. i told a few friends who don't know him about this interaction, and opinion is pretty split as to whether he was the asshole for bringing up a preference about my body, or i was for shooting him down so bluntly.
so, reddit, aita? | aita for telling my boyfriend that i'll get a brazilian if he gets his balls waxed? | 50 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cgrf8c/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_that_ill_get_a/ | 2019-07-23 11:31:30 | nah.
he made a request, not a demand, so that's fine.
you put a condition on it of "you go through pain and i will as well". that is absolutely fine as well. | nah. i use this same response when asked for anal 😂
seriously though, you weren't rude, just pointing out a double standard. if this was the extent of the situation, neither of you did anything wrong | nta. lmao is there anything that really encapsulates harsh beauty standards levied on women better than being told "i understand it would be expensive and pretty painful, but it would still be hot"??
you were just pointing out how unfair that is by getting him to empathize with you. that's totally fine. | nta, a friend of mine did the same ("i'll do mine if you'll do yours...") a few years ago and they actually went through with it. once. her boyfriend braved one waxing session and then never asked her again. they've been together for 10 years now. | nah. he's not demanding it, he just mentioned it. he asked and you turned it down. nothing else to see here | nah you’re both allowed to express your opinions without being considered an asshole | nah
him saying it once and then dropping it isn’t an asshole move.
you saying no way, or conditional on him waxing, also isn’t an asshole move.
this is all normal relationship negotiation. | i think you were quietly understated. and sounds like he was just joking.
nah.
body hair is on everyone. i gave up dealing with mine when i realised i wasn't doing it for me, i was doing it for the aesthetic. husband doesn't care, actually seems to prefer it.
i like your offer of tit for tat though | nah. i don’t see anything wrong with him mentioning it. as you said, he didn’t demand or even ask that you do so - just mentioned that he would find it hot. it would be a totally different story if he’d asked you to do it.
however i also think your response was fair. | nah - i can argue that he most likely meant the end result would be hot, which... to be fair, is in my opinion as well. the process, not so much. your reaction was just fine, and yeah... that'll make any man grimace... it was an off color comment on his part though, a thought he had, you responded with one of your own. if he doesn't bring it up again, it's because you may have settled that in his own mind, and the subject is done. however, if he does get it done, then perhaps he's truly interested, and you've sorta made a deal... would you then honor it after he did? | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.995336 |
title sounds bad but let me explain. throwaway account and on mobile
so my (25m) wife (27f) have two kids, ( ages 4,2) a 10 week puppy and a potential baby on the way. we found out earlier this week she was pregnant. we’re both financially stable and would have no issue raising another child beside obviously the struggle of a third child. she told me earlier today that she’s been bleeding heavy and with cramps. she’s convinced it’s a miscarriage and wants to buy a puppy and already has a seller lined up. i told her to wait a month or two to wait to actually see if it’s a miscarriage before she makes any decisions. she’s saying that a puppy would make her happy because of what happened with the bleeding and i told her that i understand but it’s not the right decision. we live in an hoa condo so puppies wouldn’t have a lot of room. (golden retrievers). i told her no flat out it’s not time yet and she’s saying that i’m affecting her happiness and not allowing her to process her grief properly. aita? | aita for not allowing my wife to be happy? | 215 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tc061b/aita_for_not_allowing_my_wife_to_be_happy/ | 2022-03-11 21:08:03 | nah take your wife to the doctor. | nta. adding a puppy to everything else in your lives right now would be a very bad idea both for your family and for the puppy. she's an adult and can process grief without a puppy. | nta she needs to go to a doctor. like, now.
also pets should be a mutual decision, and you are saying no. which i think is smart, in your current situation. | y’all need to get to a doctor asap.
until you two have an understanding of what’s going on, now is *not* the time to be getting a puppy. what if she is pregnant? having a puppy and an infant to take of would be insanity.
your wife seems stressed as hell and is probably just trying to exert some control over the stressful situation. it’s totally normal. but get her to a doctor!
nah. | sorry but puppies aren't a spur of the moment type thing. you already have one puppy so why does she need another? she should be booking a doctors appointment not buying puppies.
nta | nta
is the current 10 week old puppy defective at making her happy?!?!? oh wait, no because a distraction isn’t happiness, it’s escape. | nta - what are you doing "guessing" this is a miscarriage and why are you discussing a puppy at this time? get to a doctor, please!! | first of all, has she been to the doctor yet? if she believes she's miscarrying she probably should go, right away. second, why does she want another puppy when have a 10 week old one now? when is she going to find time to help train one puppy with two toddlers around, much less a second one? something doesn't seem right with this situation to me - nta for not getting a puppy, but ywbta if you don't help her get medical attention | no, adopting a puppy isn't a decision that should be made in the spur of the moment. it's a long-term financial commitment.
your wife sounds like she is in crisis. a new puppy will not help her right now. nah. | nah. she's stressed as all hell and has hormones raging through her body. you're right that you should probably hold off on a dog purchase but she's struggling and needs help. i'd suggest getting her checked out by an actual doctor to ascertain the status of baby and then get some therapy before any addition members are added to the family. be them human or animal. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.99778 |
i recently moved into my own apartment, and i’m hosting a house warming party of sorts with a few friends. one of my friends asked if they could bring their girlfriend, which is where the title comes in. i’ve met his girlfriend before, and she seems really sweet, but the issue is i have an allergy to dogs and she has a service dog for some medical issues. the allergy isn’t severe or anything, just uncomfortable. when we’re outside in public it’s not much of an issue, but i’d rather not have a dog in my apartment. i also have some medical issues of my own that make it more difficult to clean etc., so dog hair getting places would be kind of a hassle. i do understand that her dog is very important to her, i just don’t want him in my apartment. my friend got quite upset and said if the dog can’t go, she can’t go, and if she can’t go, he won’t be going. he also used a few choice words to explain how i was being disrespectful. aita for not changing my mind and holding that i won’t have a dog in my apartment, even a service dog? | aita for telling my friend he can’t bring his girlfriend if she brings her service dog? | 5,732 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oiex9t/aita_for_telling_my_friend_he_cant_bring_his/ | 2021-07-11 23:13:04 | nah. i'm a service dog handler and, while it does suck, it's just a reality that there are some things you end up excluded from because your medical equipment is a living animal. if you didn't allow the dog because you just don't like dogs or something like that, then you'd be the asshole, but personally, even as a handler myself, i think it's totally understandable if you have an allergy to dogs and therefore don't want dogs in your actual home. if i were in the girlfriend's position i'd probably be a little bummed about not being able to attend the housewarming but i'd also absolutely respect the fact that you don't want a dog in your actual living space given your allergies. i do also understand the boyfriend getting defensive; my own partner has gotten defensive before about what he perceives as people trying to exclude or discriminate against me because of my medical equipment. the boyfriend definitely a bit of an asshole for talking rudely to you, but in the big picture i don't think it really makes him an asshole to be unhappy about the situation or to decide he's not attending.
it's a situation that just kind of sucks for everyone involved. it sucks for you because you now have your friend upset with you but you can't just turn your dog allergy off to make him happy, and it sucks for your friend because he probably feels like his girlfriend is being attacked for her disability when that's not what you're trying to do at all. service dogs and dog allergies have always been a bit of a difficult thing to balance, and it really just sucks when situations like this come up where there's no real way for anyone to win. | nta i'd have said n a h, except your friend insulted you/name-called you about it. | nta, since this is specifically your apartment. a dog in your place will likely leave fur and you'll be dealing with the allergic reaction to that for who knows how long. | nta your home is not a public space that requires the accommodation of service animals. also, your health requirements are paramount in your own home. you're allergic to her dog, so her dog cannot come to your home. simple. | nta.
you have a medical condition and it's your home. if your friend and his girlfriend do not understand that then that's their fault. unfortunately, that's how it is but, there could have been a better way for them to react. suggesting meeting elsewhere that wasn't your home for drinks to celebrate with you or him coming alone. the conditions aren't intentional but their reaction seems to be coming from a butt hurt area. im sorry. congrats on the new abodes! | nta it's unfair and aggravating when people discount allergies as if they don't exist; friend was totally out of line to accuse you of refusing the dog out of disrespect when he knows it's health based.
text the friend and his gf (so they both see the message) that you appreciate them respecting your health, and it's unfortunate that it means they can't attend the house warming, and suggest that the 3 of you + dog can meet another time at the park or an outdoor café. | nta. you have a legit allergy to dogs. they need to respect that. maybe they shouldn’t be considered your friends if they don’t understand this. | nta. a person with a service dog isn't more important than a person without one. she does not get special treatment or a pass to bring her dog everywhere just because it's a service dog. there will be places she cannot be with a dog and she needs to accept that and your friend needs to accept that. that means that she won't be able to go to some places and thats how it is.. the only alternative would be that your friend and his girlfriend have to pay out of their own pockets for a full cleaning service to get all the dog hair out of your living space. i doubt they'd agree to that since they already sound very entitled. | nah.
you have a medical reason you don't want the dog there.
she has medical reasons she needs the dog there.
if anyone is an ah it's your friend for not understanding where you're coming from. | nta - her medical issue doesn't negate yours; severity asside, it's your home and you get to decide what and who you will have in it, period. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.931977 |
so i’m going to keep parts of this vague for anonymity. my wife is a smaller celebrity, she’s not an incredibly popular celebrity like say rihanna but she has a good following.
when we were dating and before we got married, one of the conditions we agreed to is that i would be kept out of it as much as possible. she can do as many interviews and whatever as she wants, but i don’t want anything to do with it. i did make the concession that i would go to any events with her to support her. i frankly never really wanted to marry a celebrity, nor be one, and never saw the appeal. i married my wife because she’s a terrific person and (usually) makes me very happy, not because she’s a celebrity. if i had to choose my least favorite thing about her it would be that.
she knows all this. however her agent apparently told her that us doing a q&a about how staying home is like and what’s keeping us occupied would be good press somehow, and that it would be an easy way to “humanize” her. i don’t think she needs humanizing but i’m also not her agent so that’s whatever.
she’s been begging me over the last few days to do it with her and saying it would just be a one time thing, and it would really help her. i told her she can talk about me but i don’t want to do it with her. today we had a big fight about it because she was bothering me about it while i was trying to work. she said that i “can’t even do this one thing” for her and that i should be trying to support her and she would do the same for me in my job. there’s no real equivalent for my job because no one is doing public software engineering q&as with their spouses. i reminded her of our agreement and she got mad and said i always throw the “stupid” agreement in her face.
i was talking to a friend on the phone, and he said i should just do it for her and it’s a dick move to marry a celebrity and then refuse to ever do anything publicly with her. but on the other hand this same friend tried to make it big as a rapper so i’m not entirely sure he even understands my point of view.
aita? | aita for not wanting to do a q&a with my wife | 1,472 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ftgnt8/aita_for_not_wanting_to_do_a_qa_with_my_wife/ | 2020-04-02 05:30:22 | i mean, you did make an agreement before marriage.
but also your wife is asking for some support during a situation (the quarantine) that i bet wasn’t thought of when that agreement is made.
so ask yourself, is the agreement set in stone, or a living document (i.e. the constitution)?
then ask yourself what is more important (either way), your wife or your principals/aversion to celebrity life and that’s how you make the decision.
nah
you’re entitled to your principles, and your aversion to celebrity life, but she’s also allowed to want her spouse to support her 🤷🏼♀️
good luck! | nta dont do it.
a q&a during quarantine is a terrible idea, whether you're involved or not. celebrities are getting a *hammering* right now. no one wants to see you in your flash as house with minimalist props placed strategically, perfect understated hair, makeup and lighting telling us about your generous donation.
people are worrying about making rent/mortgage payments, losing their jobs, feeding their families. essential workers are worried about ppe, or testing, or exposure, or getting sick, or making their loved ones sick. people are having to choose between providing for their loved ones or staying healthy.
personally i dont follow along with celebrity news but even my blind self knows famous people virtue signaling is not going down well *at all* leak your donation if it's important to you that we know you're "helping" but if you can afford to donate when most people are on the bones of their arse, and staying home is a mild inconvenience rather than financial devastation then now is a good time to zip it. | nta
consider dolly parton. regardless of your opinion of country music, you have to admit she's been extremely successful. now tell me what you know about her husband.
not much, if anything, right? she's been married more than 50 yrs. one of the agreements they made very early in their marriage was that while he fully supported her dreams, he did not want any of that attention on himself. she's respected that and her career has still managed to do just fine without dragging him into the spotlight with her.
you have a right to maintain your privacy. your wife knew this was important to you when she married you. it's not right for her to try to make you give that up now that it's a little inconvenient for her. | nta. i couldnt care less how you are handling this no offense. it would be better for pr for her to give a fat donation to an important cause. | nta. also, this "humanizing celebrities in quarantine" crap got old real fast. tell your wife and her publicist that people are rolling their eyes at this shit and no one cares how some well off celeb is dealing with isolation. | nta. you're her spouse, not a promotion. she entered into your relationship on a condition she's now trying to violate. she can ask, but you can say no, and she shouldn't insinuate you don't love her because you won't do this. | nta. and her agents not that smart. this is the worst time for a celebrity to do a q&a. | nah | marriage is an ongoing negotiation. were i in your shoes i'd talk to her and tell her i'd do this for her this time, but in return i'd like [enter things i want to do that she drags her heels at]. look, i know you don't want to do this, but it's a few hours out of your life and it would mean a lot to her. you say she's awesome, so it doesn't sound like she would be adverse to making a trade or always wants things like this from you and is just taking in the relationship.
she seems really unhappy with the agreement. you could be stubborn here, you have the right to be given the agreement, but imagine her gratitude if you sat down and said, "look, i don't want to do this, and you really seem to resent the agreement we made. but. i really do love you and want you to be happy. i propose we make an ammendment: once/twice/three (whatever you can live with) times a year, i'll do something with you that is technically against our agreement (like this thing), but in exchange i get to rope you into one/two/three events/things that you aren't keen on. and we will both be gracious and pretend like we are enjoying ourselves when we do the thing the other wants, not sulk or complain."
i've been married a long time. negotiations are what allows a relationship to evolve and thrive. good luck, my friend. | nta but dude, have you seen all the memes completely roasting celebrities for talking about how hard it is to be quarantined in their mansions with their hired help and millions of dollars? no good will come of yet another celebrity complaining about how tough they have it | op is nta. the wife and the agent are assholes and idiots. i don't know how big of a celebrity she is but if you guys live in a million dollar plus home with her having a few million in her/your bank accounts i would strongly advise against doing anything publicly. is she or her agent aware of all these other celebrities who are doing similare things and are getting absolutely blasted on the internet for it?
this whole crap of look im just like you guys is so disgusting. she is not like us most likely (smaller celebrity than rihanns is not a good way for me to gauge what lives you live) or are you guys in the risk of losing your house? are you in the risk of not being able to pay off a mortgage? are you in the risk of not being able to feed yourselves or potential kids? if the answer to any of these is no then i would tell her to not do the video at all. especially after seing a comment you made about talking publicly how you guys are donating to charities or whatever. don't talk about stuff like that publicly, just do it. we dont want to hear about your shit and your supposed struggles in your multi million dollar house while there are people out there with real problems right now.
i personally dont want to see another single freaking celebrity state: look this is what we are doing during this quarantine, see we are just like you guys.....no you are not, like i said, if you guys are not in the risk of losing your house or something then you are not like us and we dont appreciate getting it shoved in our faces.
to end this rant, her agent is an asshole for suggesting it, and your wife is an asshole if she thinks this is a good idea right now.
sorry for the rant especiallt if this does not apply to you guys, even so i would be very careful about doing anything publicly.
have a nice day everyone and wash your hands. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.997786 |
my sister is married to a very nice woman. they want to have kids, but my sister is infertile. her wife has no problem with being the birth mom. they want to have their own "bio" child and the closest thing is my sperm (she and i are twins). they would make wonderful parents it's just i am uneasy. i have two boys and they are my world. i couldn't imagine siring another child and not being their parent. it's not the same as being an uncle. also, i think it starts to look weird being the bio dad of my sister's child and my sons being half-siblings/cousins.
i just don't think i can not stand back and not be a dad and let someone else raise my kid. | aita for declining to donate sperm to my infertile sister and her wife? | 2,226 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gj0bud/aita_for_declining_to_donate_sperm_to_my/ | 2020-05-13 14:41:36 | nah. you're allowed to say no. i get why they asked, as you'd be the closest to giving a 'biological' child of both parents. however, you shouldn't feel bad that you cannot go through with it. you're right, being an uncle is different and the idea that your children would have half siblings being raised by their aunt is a weird idea. i'd express your feelings and hopefully they understand. | >i just don't think i can not stand back and not be a dad and let someone else raise my kid.
nah. i think you should tell them this, in these exact words.
it's understandable that they'd like to get as close to her dna as possible, and when they have the child it would emotionally become theirs, completely.
also i can definitely see it being super weird if your sister's wife would be pregnant with your child. | nta - you have to do what your comfortable with, 100%.
that said (and i'm posting from a throwaway here because few people in my life know about this), i was an egg donor for my sister. she had tried to have a child for the better part of a decade and she had nothing to show for it. she and her husband fostered for years and i had complete faith they'd be loving parents to any child. however, they never gave up on their hope of having a biological child.
after their last failed round of ivf using their own genetic material, their doctor sat them down and said "listen, we can go on doing this as long as you want, but, in my professional opinion, i don't think further cycles are advisable. if you want to continue, i highly recommend looking into an egg donor." they were both on the fence about an anonymous egg donor. they weren't in love with the idea and it also meant a significant additional expense, as it was not covered by their insurance.
having watch them go through all this for 10 years, it broke my heart. long story short, i offered to be an egg donor for them. they gratefully accepted. none of us pinned our hopes too much on any of it given her history. the process itself is pretty grueling (obviously, it would be much easier for you, lol!), but there was also a lot of "mental" preparation involved and i had to not only speak with the doctor himself at length, i also had to consult with a third party mental health professional. all of this was to be sure that i wasn't being coerced and that i fully understood what i was doing and its possible consequences. i ultimately had to be ok with someone else raising "my" child and that's a pretty tall order, for sure.
still long story just a bit shorter, the egg donation worked and my sister now has a 6 year old daughter. and you know what? i'm ok with all of it. she is 100% my niece and i don't feel "motherly" toward her at all (not in a bad way - but she is my sis and bil's daughter in every way, shape and form). as far as i'm concerned, i just gave them some dna and that's it. i'm involved in her life the way any other aunt would be.
anyway, point of my story is to just give it some thought. if you told me 20 years ago that i would donate an egg to my sister and she'd have kid that was hers but with my genetic material, i'd look at you like you were absolutely insane. but, that's where we ended up and it truly is a happy ending for everyone involved. you are in a position to give them a gift that no one else in this world can give. | nah, you're allowed to feel a certain type of way about it but they've not been rude to you about it either. | nah - but don't expect her not to be hurt by your decision. | nah. as some of the other comments have said, this is your choice entirely. it happened to be a lucky coincidence from their perspective that she had a brother who could be the donor, so i don’t blame her for wanting to ask if you would do this. after all, it would mean that their children would be biologically related to both sides of the family. however, i also understand your view. you would obviously feel some sort of connection to the child and it would be difficult to not be involved as a parent if you did get attached. as your children and their cousin/half-sibling got older, it also might become strange for them if they found out about this. your sister and her spouse will likely be upset when you say no, but they still have other options for sperm donors if they really want children. if you are truly uncomfortable with this idea, then just be honest with them. stick with your gut-feeling, and if they get upset, calmly explain your perspective and ask that they respect your decision, but still be sympathetic. | nah. some men are willing to do this for their sisters (and some women are willing to be egg donors or surrogates for brothers who are in same-sex relationships), but if you aren't comfortable with the idea of being a sperm donor then no one should pressure you into it. they asked, you've said no. it really is okay to say no. | nah
but my question is, "is it all or nothing"? if you live close to your sister, could you be "very involved" with the child's life.
you don't *have to* of course, but i think the odds are high that saying no causes some tension. i'm not saying that tension is reason enough to do it if you don't want, just that it might be enough to at least consider a way where you would all be comfortable. (which means, you can consider and still decide against it) | nah - it wouldn’t be smart to donate sperm if you feel like you couldn’t separate yourself from the child | nah. i think it’s a great idea personally, but you’re being honest and realistic with yourself, your concerns are absolutely valid and you have every right to say no without offending them.
there’s other avenues out there for them, and i wish them the best of luck on their path to motherhood! | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.993456 |
i’m 20f, my parents are 49m and 50f. i’m an only child and my parents divorced when i was 14. since i’m their only kid, my parents doted on me a lot and i was very close to both of them. the divorce was pretty amicable at first but it quickly turned very nasty and bitter and i was caught in the middle - essentially both my parents used me to hurt each other and i struggled a lot. i was a very happy and sociable before but the divorce really messed me up badly and was very traumatic for me - i was diagnosed with depression, picked up some destructive habits to cope, and spent some time in a mental health facility. i’m doing much better now but i still struggle.
i visited my dad for memorial day weekend (he always does a cookout) and was shocked when i saw my mom there - they rarely are in the same place. long story short, my parents told me they never really stopped loving each other and were back together. i just left once they told me, i couldn’t believe it. my parents divorce destroyed my life and they acted very cavalier about it. obviously i love my parents and want to be happy but at the same time - if they never got divorced, then i never would have had to gone through what i did. my mom tried to call me earlier today but i just can’t talk to her now - she’s left me a pretty angry voicemail saying i’m being disrespectful. my cousin (who is also one of my best friends) told me to get over it, in not so many words. i feel like i might be petty but i feel like my parents just don’t acknowledge the gravity of the situation. aita? | aita for being upset that my divorced parents are getting back together? | 1,137 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/btzdab/aita_for_being_upset_that_my_divorced_parents_are/ | 2019-05-28 12:20:52 | nah, if their love is true let them be. you are not the asshole for acting cautiously though. i would have a sit down with them and a good lengthy talk about your reservations. | nta. only you will ever fully understand what you went through, others on the outside cant judge you. i hope you continue to feel better. | nta
you are not forced to accept a relationship, especially when it hurt you like that. your parents should have told you in a more amicable way and apologized for what they made you go through, considering it was for nothing | no nta they’re being disrespectful and dismissive of what they put you through. i suggest family counseling so that they can sit and listen to how much it hurt that they used you as a weapon against each other and they seem to want you to just pretend it never happened or get over it instantly. you have no other siblings to vent to about what you went through so this is understandable. they were a team and then enemies and then a team again. they need to acknowledge you had a different experience being stuck in the middle. | nta. ok, so my parents got divorced and then got re-married. i was 100% not in board with them getting back together. their marriage problems all through my childhood was traumatic for me and my siblings. i am still in therapy at 32 for their issues. i told them i hope they are happy, but i wouldn’t be attending their wedding. mom got upset but dad understood.
now it’s been close to 6 years and there have been a few divorce conversations again. i just straight up told them that they cannot talk to me about their marriage or problems. i’m probably an asshole, but i’m an adult and so are they.
so, i’m my opinion, you are definitely not as asshole. not at all. | nta
your feelings are your feelings. i don't understand how your parents can't rationalize with the idea that the divorce and subsequent marriage affects more than just them. if they can't realize that, i don't think it's fair for them to expect you to fake being alright with this turn of events. | nta
you’re 20. the last six years of your life was spent caught in the middle of a nasty divorce that emotionally harmed you to the point of hospitalization.
of course it’s confusing that now (suddenly to you, probably not to them) they are putting that past behind them.
personally, i’ve heard of people rekindling with their ex post divorce. sometimes it works, often times it doesn’t.
i think preparing yourself for the worst is wise. because it might not work out.
trust takes time. both of your parents need to realize that they broke your trust in them on multiple occasions. it would be irrational for you to be suddenly okay with them at this point. | nta. sounds like you will ultimately be alright with it, just the initial shock and them refusing to acknowledge the damage their actions have ceased you is pretty messed up. not overly surprising since they would use you as a pawn to get at eachother, so i think them failing to respect your feelings is to be expected at this point. then for them to double down on it and send you an angry message? that's a pretty big asshole move. if i were you, i would send them a long text/tall/call/email to the two of them explaining what you explained here. i'm sure things will return to a new normal someday. good luck buddy. | nah. honestly, my parents separated around the same age, and their shit was messy. they had affairs while my dad was living with another woman, they were on again off again for years, and i really resented how stupid and messy their relationship was for a long time. now that i'm an adult, i have the gift of hindsight to see that the worst part of getting older is discovering just how stupidly human our parents are. i've made mistakes and had messy, confusing relationships..... of course they have too, as much as i hate having been in the middle of it. a few years ago my mom almost died - in a coma for 2 weeks, they're telling us to take her off life support, the whole works - and my dad didn't leave her side. through the icu, through the months of pt to get her to be able to walk and talk and everything again, he was right by her side, despite the fact that they've not been romantically involved for years and she's made it clear it'll never happen again. it made me realize that sometimes, when you've been in each other's lives for longer than i've even been alive, that it creates a relationship that has layers i don't yet understand, so i can no longer find it in me to be angry at them for the convoluted nature of their relationship | nta, you are entitled to your own feelings, there’s nothing wrong with being upset over something. on a scale of 1-10, how bad was the voicemail, this could change my answer. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0.83088 | TOXIC | 0.823053 |
let me start this by saying i love my wife whatsoever and other than this, we have no issues whatsoever.
my wife frequently gets home later than i do, simply because i start work before she does. however over the past year there have been many times where she won't come home until well past dinner time, and usually won't let me know that she'll be late until well after i would expect her to come home.
i started asking her several months ago to tell me in the morning what time i could expect her home, and that if she would be late then all she has to do is let me know at some point during the day that she would be late. this hasn't worked out very well, though. she is pretty bad at estimating when she will be able to leave work - often times she will text me saying that she will be able to leave in 15 minutes, but then not leave for another hour. sometimes it's because she is working on a project that has to be completed that day, but oftentimes it's because a co-worker or student comes to her office to talk to her (about work related things).
she has responded to this by instead not giving me an estimate for when she'll be home, since she's so bad at doing so (even she admits this). but i would much prefer that she just ... give me an estimate, and stick to it. she has told me that it seems controlling of me to do this, but honestly i just want to be able to plan my day and not knowing when she will be home makes it very difficult to do so - and my argument is that she is not respecting my time. on top of this, we will often be late for engagements because of this behavior.
so reddit, aita? | aita for asking my wife to tell me when i can expect her to come home from work? | 111 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b8ztcn/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_tell_me_when_i_can/ | 2019-04-03 16:00:40 | nah. i don't think it's controlling asking your partner to let you know when they'll be home. i often plan my day and dinner around my husbands work schedule and vice versa. we always let eachother know when we're running late. personally i think it's common courtesy.
but if it's something she's bad at, and forgetful about just try to keep in mind it's not intentional. and i agree with the other poster saying she should learn to manage her time better. | nah
but she should learn some better time management. if a student comes to her office when she's ready to leave, she can ask that student to make an appointment to see her some other time. she needs to set some boundaries there. | nah. you sound a bit controlling, not of her but in life. there is no way i could know where the day will take me at 9 am. the best she can do is shoot you a text closer to the end of day to give you an estimate.
compromise here. not a big deal | nah. it's reasonable to want to know when you're partner will come home because it affects your plans. it's also reasonable that she consistently has difficulty giving you a time as it seems to just be the nature of her job that there is no consistent time and she often doesn't know in advance.
that said, i'm sure there's a solution here, though it's not immediately apparent based on the info you've provided. perhaps you could just plan less of your day around when she gets home. that may mean making plans or eating dinner without her. alternatively you could just tough it out and understand that, although difficult, it's just a fact of your lives together. she could also try to be more consistent or inform you better, but it sounds like you've both already tried that route and it's not a real solution under the circumstances. you could try something else entirely too. the point is, i think this is something the two of you can work out. just realize that the best solution for the two of you may not fully accommodate all of your demands as individuals. it may be a compromise. | nah it’s not unreasonable to want to know an approximate time she will be home, but it seems like the job makes that fluctuating to some degree. i would rather have an approximation (say within the hour) than nothing at all.
so even if she says 15 minutes and it’s been an hour, at least she’s trying. now if she’s says 15 minutes and it’s been 3 hours thats a whole other story.
as long as she makes an effort to give a time and responds relatively quickly when texted, i wouldn’t give her much crap for it. | nah that must be really frustrating. maybe just assume she won't be home and then if she is it's a pleasant surprise? | nta. you aren't roommates, you share a life with each other. it's a bit disrespectful of her to not communicate at all, especially knowing your day is contingent upon her schedule. | nta. possibly nah. my husband commutes by bicycle, and he’s tired at the end of the day and doesn’t always remember to tell me when he’s leaving, and can’t answer the phone or respond to texts once he’s on the bike. if he gets a flat or if the weather is bad, it can affect his travel time a lot. i found it really frustrating.
solution: he installed one of those “find my friends” things on his phone and turned on access for me. now if i’m wondering if he’s almost home or hasn’t even left yet, i can just look and see where his phone is. problem solved. if it makes either of you feel weird to be able to track her exact location (something we talked through before we landed on this solution, it wasn’t an issue for either of us) she could install iftt or similar and configure it to send you a text when she leaves the office in the evening. | nah bordering on yta, if her work schedule doesn't allow her to predict when she'll be home, there's not much she can do about it. and i say that as the "controlling" one in my relationship, i always want to know when my bf will be home so i can plan dinner and just know when to start worrying if he isn't home yet. we had to compromise, he gives the best time he can and i make dinner accordingly, if he has to reheat dinner because he had something last minute, then he deals with it. if she was complaining about cold dinners then you wouldn't be ta.
it's not perfect, but you have to be accommodating. sometimes late shifts happen and there's no time to text. or you lose track of time engrossed in a project.
as far as satisfying the gut need-to-know feeling maybe she can agree to call you once she gets off work? it helped immensely for me and my anxiety about it. | yta. not simply for asking her to tell you when she'll be home - but for asking for something that you know she can't give you. this sounds like being controlling for the sake of controlling.
why do you need to know when she'll be home to plan your day, anyway? you do you - if it's because you're making dinner, well, maybe she just gets it from the refrigerator later. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 0.681145 | BENIGN | 0.997743 |
i’m 21f and my mom got pregnant with me when she was 19. my mom and dad had a ‘shotgun’ wedding because of it but divorced when i was still a toddler, so i was raised by my mom. while my dad and i did have contact in the past, my relationship with him (and his side of the family) has deteriorated since i came out as a lesbian. it’s been this way for several years and because we live far away from each other, it’s been easy to go no contact. to be honest i really have no intention of re-establishing a relationship with him if i’m gonna be subjected to homophobic and other offensive remarks every time we talk. i admit i’m biased here but it also seemed like he was awful to my mom, and even now she doesn’t like to talk about their marriage.
about a week ago a girl messaged me on 23andme claiming to be my half-sister. in her message she says that she was raised by her mom and her stepdad (who have since divorced), and doesn’t know much about her biological father, only that it was someone her mom had a brief relationship with. she also grew up in the same area where my parents are from. we share 24% of our dna and have one completely identical x chromosome so the genetics support that she is my half-sister on my dad’s side. oh, and she’s 20, only a year younger than me, so she must’ve been conceived while my parents were still married.
she’s looking for information about her biological dad and seems thrilled at the prospect of connecting with me. she even mentioned how happy she was to find a sister. she was obviously very emotional when she wrote the message. but for whatever reason, i just don’t feel the same way, and i’m not even sure how to respond to her. at this point i’m not sure if i’m gonna respond at all.
i know that just because my dad is shitty doesn’t mean this girl is anything like him, and it makes sense that she would wanna know more about her biological father. anyone in her position would probably feel the same. that’s why it feels kind of bitchy to just ignore her. but at the same time i view her as a stranger whom i just happen to share dna with, so i’m not really interested in establishing a personal relationship with her.
is it callous and odd of me to be so indifferent about this? aita? | aita for not really wanting to connect with a half-sister who found me on 23andme? | 122 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eqc6sk/aita_for_not_really_wanting_to_connect_with_a/ | 2020-01-18 05:05:09 | nah yet.
i do think you are ta if you ignore her, though. maybe just share whatever information she might want about her biological father.
not knowing your family history or anything about your dad can fuck people up.
who knows, you might get along with her. | nah for feelings and for acknowledging that she’s not him, but if i were you, i’d at least give her the info you have and actually tell her that i don’t want a relationship. | nah. but i would tell her you have no interest in forging a relationship, but at the same time, also give her basic info about your father and his lineage to help her wth her biological search. | nah. i wouldn't ignore her, but you should just be honest. | nah.
i’d suggest that you tell this girl what you just told us about the relationship you have with your dad, and how things have declined since you’ve come of age. tell her what information you have about him, and that you wish her well on her quest to learn more. | nah. if you don’t want to connect with her, i’d just tell her how you feel. i wouldn’t just ignore because you might want to reconnect with her in the future and you wouldn’t have to burn that relationship before it even starts. | nah. your half-sister is entitled to her feelings and you are entitled to yours. you are in a real sense "both right". you could tell her gently that at this time its not right for you to establish a relationship (this leaves the door open if you change your mind in the years ahead). i'm not sure its positive that your dad is her dad; if you aren't 100% sure i wouldn't pass on any details about him to her (edit spelling) | nah, if you don't wanna dig up your father's drama after having moved on, you can let her know you're not a good unbiased source for what she's looking for and you would prefer to never speak of it again.
if you're feeling up to it you can just give her a way to contact her father and asked to be left out of it, but it's not something you have to do if you're concerned it might blow up in your face | nah
you don't know her. it's understandable that you would feel no interest in getting to know someone who is only related to you because of your deadbeat dad. however, i would strongly suggest you give her a chance. perhaps start just by writing. whatever makes you comfortable. you might find a new friend or confirm that there was nothing there. perhaps take a little bit of time writing back until you know exactly what you want to say.
even if it's a no, you don't want to to be cold and dismissive towards someone that is emotionally invested in forming a relationship with her. be kind, she's still a person with emotions. | nah, although this does make me a bit sad. i was adopted and found my bio mother, but have no information on my bio dad, not even a name. i have been hoping to do 23andme so i could find out my heritage and maybe find out if i have other siblings. if found i’d probably reach out to them because like this girl, i literally have nothing. no knowledge. i’d hope that any half sibling i find (if i find any) would at least be able to acknowledge me and answer questions. please just answer her questions. all i’ve wanted to know growing up is if i have any family out there on my biological fathers side, and what they’re like. i would give just about anything to know. i’m sure this girl probably feels the same. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | TOXIC | 0.898177 |
hi all. english is not my first language so please bear with me if i don’t make sense. i(30f) and my partner (35m) have a child together. i came from different country and came to us 10 years ago and haven’t gone back since. i’ve been wanting to visit but due to work/school, i wasn’t able to. my partner was born and raised here and all his family are from here. i don’t have much family here only parents and they were able to go and visit a few years ago. now i’ve talked to my partner about wanting to go and i’ve included him but says we’ll go but it cost alot for plane ticket, more like 1k each person plus all the pocket money we’ll use. he agreed when we first talked about it but now doesn’t want to go because we have bills here and itll costs a lot for us to do it. i really wanted to visit home because i want my side of the family to see our child in person and for him to meet my side of the family. my partner changed his mind bc since he can’t go he doesn’t want to let our child go bc it’s too far for him incase something happen over there and wants us to only stay for 2 weeks or 3 weeks max, i said if we ever go we’ll stay for atleast a month bc i really want to enjoy being with my family that i haven’t seen for a long time, and i explained to him that i don’t want to have to fly there bc someone died in the family. he said 1 month is toooo long for him to not be with our child. the thing is 1k for plane ticket is expensive to be only there for 3 weeks. aita for asking for 1 month vacation with our child without him? | aita for taking our child for a month vacation? | 260 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qwpoaw/aita_for_taking_our_child_for_a_month_vacation/ | 2021-11-18 13:25:47 | >came to us 10 years ago and haven’t gone back since. i’ve been wanting to visit but due to work/school, i wasn’t able to.
>1k each person plus all the pocket money we’ll use. he agreed when we first talked about it but now doesn’t want to go because we have bills here and itll costs a lot for us to do it.
you've been a whole decade without going back, and he was initially onboard with going to visit. while you do have bills to pay, you're always going to have bills to pay. if you can afford to go, without putting yourselves in financial jeopardy, it sounds like you've waited long enough.
>my partner changed his mind bc since he can’t go he doesn’t want to let our child go bc it’s too far for him incase something happen over there
>we’ll stay for atleast a month bc i really want to enjoy being with my family that i haven’t seen for a long time
>i don’t want to have to fly there bc someone died in the family
>he said 1 month is toooo long for him to not be with our child
i mean, going by yourself is one thing, but it means you'd be without your child, when they could get to meet some of their relatives for the first time, or only, depending on your relatives. if you can't afford to go for another 10 years, probably best to take them this time.
nah
he's reluctant to be without his/your child for a month, honestly that sounds like generally being a parent. spending $2-3k on plane tickets isn't great, but that's just what it costs. since it's a one-off cost, it would've been good if he could go with you, but him staying is probably the best compromise if you can't all go.
you're also not wrong for wanting to see your relatives after so long, and wanting to introduce your child to them. your partner has his family around him, and has plenty of opportunities to spend time with them, with your child. you don't have that luxury, and this is the first time you'll be visiting in 10 years.
maybe explain what it means to you, and why you feel it's important for your child to go as well. compromises can include regular video calls so your child isn't missing their dad, maybe he could get to know your relatives a bit on some calls? | nah. i’m confused by all the negative comments, which are clearly from people who didn’t have families in other countries or immigrant parents so they don’t understand. leaving one parent on vacation for weeks to a month is very common.
however, i understand your husbands reasons, he will miss you all and it’s not financially the best. and you desperately wanting to see your family for so long also makes sense.
going for 2-3wks does seem like a good compromise. or maybe you can discuss the option of waiting for only a bit longer and saving so you all can go, but just set a specific date. i.e. if we wait until april or june we will be able to save enough for all of us. or maybe he can go with y’all and only stay for a week or so and then he leaves first and you and the child stay for another two weeks? that way he could still meet your family but you won’t lose/spend as much money if all of you were there. although not going for a month will suck, being able to go for a few wks would still be worth it because you still get to see them. | nta
guess what i am struggling with here is the difference between three and four weeks. you have been gone for 10 years, and want to spend some time there, the plane ticket is the same, so he is unhappy because he will be separated for an extra week from his child. it will probably be a long time before you get back you i do understand you wanting to make the most of it. | my mum and i would go back to see family for up to 2-3 months at a time, and my father didn't throw a hissy fit. when he could join, even if for a few weeks, he did. i don't think a month is exorbitant, especially since it isn't the sort of trip you will repeat any time soon. your husband doesn't have first hand experience with being an immigrant, and as such i don't think he realises how much he takes for granted having his family within the country itself. that said, depending on the child's age i could understand his reluctance, but ultimately, an extra week or two at a family member's house is not the most costly bit of the trip, and he has access to the child all the rest of the time. nta. | nta
i see no big difference between 3 weeks and a month to make it so critical in the first place.
also ignore the people who say 2-3weeks is enough. if your ticket costs about 1k, you will likely spend 1-2 days just traveling in one direction, and then 2-3 days adapting and resting. basically, you will spend 1 week of your vacation just traveling.
imo, even 1 month is short, specially when traveling with a kid. 2-3 months would be ideal, so 1 month is already a huge compromise. | nah
his concerns are valid, that's a lot of money, and travelling with a small child in the current world situation is extremely risky to say the least. your concerns are valid, they are your family, and knowing that side of things is part of your son's cultural heritage. is there maybe any way your parents could come over instead? it's often easier for older people to travel than a family with a child, just from sheer logistics. | nah - would you want to be separated from your child for a month? there’s no good answer here, you guys just need to work it out | nah - he’s right, 1 month is too long without him being able to see his child. but you’re not the asshole for asking if he agreed that’s perfect for you but he didn’t so drop it to 3 weeks. | nta he can go with for 2 weeks and come back by himself, this isn’t a yearly trip. we have family in europe and most trips 3 to 4 weeks. | nta
as an immigrant as well, one extra week really does a big difference when going back to see your family. especially a family you haven’t seen in 10 years and probably won’t see again in a while. | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.736966 | BENIGN | 0.998628 |
to start off i will say that i am a fairly big guy. i have lost 180lbs in the past year withthe help of a gastric bypass and now go to the gym 6 days a week. i workout at planet fitness in my area.
i am also married and always wear my wedding ring even when i'm working out. i wear it because i love my wife and want everyone to know i am married. i also wear it at the gym in hopes people won't think i'm creepy. i actively try to not look at anyone and do my own thing so women don't think i'm perverted or anything and they can feel comfortable around me to work out. my wife has some mental health stuff she goes through so i try to be as mindful as i can of others and their own mental battles.
i know normal gym etiquette is to not bother anybody while they're working out. i never do and i didn't think i did in this situation either. i should mention if you don't go to planet fitness you may not be aware that it's encouraged to wipe down the machines you use so they have stations around where you can get paper towels and cleaning spray. it was at one of these cleaning stations i was spraying down my towel and i noticed her leg when she walked up as i was looking down spraying the cloth. her entire leg was covered in this awesome dragon tattoo and i loved the art style. i waved at her in a polite way to indicate i wanted to ask a question. i was smiling and my ring was clearly visible. she then reluctantly pulled off an ear phone and gave me a quizzical look like she assumed i was hitting on her.
i said: "i'm sorry to interrupt, but i wanted to ask where your tattoo was done.. my w"
and before i could finish she said: "*insert name of city about 80 miles away*"
i said: "oh i see. thank you. my w.."
and before i could finish she put her headphones back on, looked creeped out, and walked quickly towards the women's locker room.
i am just trying think if i had done something off-putting or whatever. i have a tendency to overthink a lot and i'm trying to figure out if i had done something wrong. i am aware how much women get stared at and probably hit on at the gym. my wife goes to the gym too and tells me about it which is why i actively try so hard not to be creepy. the only thing i think was she saw me as an overweight creep trying to cheat on his wife or perhaps she has had a past issue with this scenario or something?
so am i the asshole here? | aita for asking a woman at the gym where she got her tattoo done? | 225 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xqo640/aita_for_asking_a_woman_at_the_gym_where_she_got/ | 2022-09-28 20:56:43 | nah.
it's common to ask people about their tattoos, and you did so in a respectful manner. you also acknowledged her discomfort and did not follow her or attempt to engage with her once she left the situation. i don't see anything wrong here.
however, who knows her history? maybe she's hit on all the time and is understandably cautious. she removed herself from the situation and answered your question.
just an unfortunately awkward situation, no one's fault. | nah you imposed on someone who didn't want to interact with you, she gave an answer and left. | nah, your intentions were fine and you were polite, but headphones in generally means "don't talk to me" | nah. you asked politely (and weren't creepy). she indicated she didn't want to converse. | nah. you weren't being creepy. she wasn't under any obligation to chat with you if she didn't feel like it. there's no problem here. | nah
don't bother about the y t a people.
there's nothing wrong with asking someone a question.
you were polite, accepted her hasty answer and it's ok.
i don't think people should feel discouraged to interact in a respectful way (both in manners, their privacy and their time).
she isn't an ah also for being curt, as there are many possible reasons for that. | nta
you are overthinking. the woman maybe just didn't want to be chatty. you say that she was on her way to the locker room. maybe she was simply in a hurry to be somewhere. | nah
definitely nta
yes, it's typical etiquette to pretend that everybody at the gym is in their own bubble, but respectfully asking a simple question about an obvious piece of exposed body art isn't creepy or rude.
but, knowing how people can be, i can't really blame her for being less than willing to engage. | nah, but for the record being married does *not* preclude people from being creeps. like, a loooot of creeps.
and as others have said, she might not be chatty. if i have my headphones in i'm sending a message. if you interrupt anyway i'll likely be brief. i honestly, sincerely, don't give a flying fuck about why you wanted to know, about your wife, nor even would i necessarily respond to you at all with my headphones in, because google searches and tattoo subreddits and facebook groups and twitter tags and etc etc exist for your tattoo browsing pleasure. i don't. | nah
there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking a question and being friendly. nothing you did was creepy, pervy, or inappropriate. the only thing you should have done differently is realized she wasn't wanting to chat after cutting you off to answer the question and then just moved on. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.997441 |
i [18m] was playing a game of truth or dare with a small group of friends. one of my friends annie [18f] is a lesbian but i have a secret crush on her. we are close. i kept my feelings and attraction towards her a secret as i know i obviously have no chance with her. she was playing this game of t or d with us.
one of my friends during the game asked me who i thought was the most beautiful and attractive person in the world after i chose truth. since this kinda stuff is the point of the game i told the honest to god truth and said it was annie. i said this "honestly its annie." i thought she'd just find it funny or be flattered and that would be that. at the time she just laughed it off.
later she told me i made her really uncomfortable and i should have said someone else since i know i have no chance with her. i told her i wasn't trying to get with her. | aita for being honest in truth or dare? | 600 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gcol1o/aita_for_being_honest_in_truth_or_dare/ | 2020-05-03 10:47:19 | nah
if you make the decision to play truth or dare, you have to accept that at some point a truth might come out that you don't necessarily want to hear. that's just the mechanics of the game, and if you're not prepared to handle that you shouldn't play it. your friend was unjustified in taking this up with you afterwards since you weren't trying it on with her or doing anything but participating in the game everyone agreed to play.
that said, there can be some iffy dynamics at play when it comes to essentially admitting a crush on someone who can never feasibly return the feelings. i get why she did feel uncomfortable and that's also always a possibility when you play truth or dare with someone where you may end up having to admit a truth that involves them. | yta and here's why. you used this game as a way to "confess" your love to her in a way that you thought would be ok or "safe".
"it's a game i was just following the rules". <<your justification. sad and painfully transparent tbh.
if any of my previous gfs said to me "you're the most physically attractive man in the world", i know that's not true (unfortunate side effect of living on the same planet as chris hemsworth, henry cavill etc etc). they say that because they like/love me and that's a way to express it.
that's what you did here and it's obvious to anyone that has more than 2 brain cells to rub together. | nah. it was a question in a game and you answered truthfully. you were not harassing her for answering this but she is entitled to feel uncomfortable. next time since it is out of the whole world and not the group, i would play it safe and choose beyonce. | yta. frankly i’m surprised at how many people give you slack because of the game. really? you couldn’t just lie? and don’t say because those are the rules, cause it’s a 5 year old child’s excuse. you knew she would never reciprocate, and still you put her on the spot like that. what were you expecting exactly? that she’d just ignore that? even if you didn’t, is a game so important to you that you’d put both you and her in such an awkward position for absolutely no reason? be more aware of the effect of the things you say. | nah yeah your not really an ah for it, but i totally get why it made her uncomfortable. | nta. if you can’t handle the game you shouldn’t play the game. | yta for pretending like this was just part of the game. you put out feelers in front of a bunch of people. how awkward. | nta because you didnt say you were planning on asking her out but "the most beautiful girl in the world"? pick a celebrity or something that isnt going to make her feel weird, that almost sounds like a confession of love. maybe if it was 'who do you think is the most pretty at this table' or something it would have been fine | nah
but, there might have been a better way of dealing with it. my friend group had a similar question come up during a game and for the most part we picked people of the gender we're not sexually attracted to as answers to keep it lighthearted, but one guy decided to answer with the name of a girl that he had a crush on but who he knew had 0 interest in him. was, hands down, the most awkward panic i've felt in my life. it made everyone in the call super uncomfortable.
you can always choose another option, a celebrity, a close friend that you're not *actually* attracted to and that would be comfortable with you saying it, your cat/dog, yourself if you really want. sure the game is called truth or dare, but it's meant to be fun too, you can have a laugh with it. | yta. you can redeem yourself by apologizing and learning that t or d is just a dumb game and not an excuse to disregard someone’s feelings. | 1 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 0.53203 | BENIGN | 0.998702 |
throwaway because some of my friends know my main account.
before i get into the current issue i wanted to give some background about myself. i have had issues with sleep my entire life. i have pretty bad anxiety around going to sleep if i know i'm going to be woken up or if i have to wake up early to the point where i won't sleep at all and i function terribly on low sleep. this isn't bad if i'm at home the next day but it really affects me at work. i've tried therapy but it hasn't helped and i've tried sleeping pills but they make me feel just as bad as if i hadn't had sleep at all.
when my wife and i first discussed children she was really on board with having them. i wanted kids too but was worried about how it would affect my sleep. after a bunch of discussion she said she would be willing to do nighttime duty permanently as she's a much better sleeper and can pretty much nap on demand.
when we got around to trying for kids i brought this up again and she said she was still committed to doing nighttime feeds/changes and letting me sleep through the night. i offered to do the weekend night feeds and also do most of the housework to let her rest.
once we had our child we stuck to this and it worked pretty well. on weekday nights i would go to bed and she would do the night feed. on weekend nights she would go to bed early and i would stay awake and do the first night feed then go to bed and she would get up in the morning. i also do 95% of housework and cook dinner most days. i take our child at night and let her nap. she also has a year off work so can rest as much as she can during the day. we're at about month 3.
however in the past few weeks she has started getting really upset, saying i'm not pulling my weight and how exhausted she is, that i'm an asshole for not helping her more at night. i tried to do a couple of weekday nights but it has resulted in me barely being able to function at work and getting asked about my performance.
i reminded my wife about our deal around sleeping hours but she's saying it doesn't mean anything now and i need to help out more, this ended in a big argument where i said i can't help out on weekday nights because i'm worried about losing my job, she blew up at me and called me a lazy asshole.
so reddit, aita? | aita for trying to uphold an agreement my wife and i had before we had our child? | 1,512 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cs89oz/aita_for_trying_to_uphold_an_agreement_my_wife/ | 2019-08-18 22:40:01 | nah. i think this is just a shitty situation. i don’t fault your wife for not wanting to keep things this way— if i could go back in time i’d have told her it was a terrible idea to commit to doing all the nighttime feeds. and i’d have told you to spend some more time with a sleep specialist to try and figure out this issue. but as it’s too late now, there’s not much to do but try and power through and compromise till your kiddo sleeps through the night. could you take just one weekday per week without risking your job, for instance? could you bring the housework up to 100% and do all the cooking? | nah everyone goes into raising children with a plan, from “my kid will only eat organic and never touch fast food” to “i will never let my child have screen time, ever”. here the thing, life happens and plans change on the fly, the parent that never wanted unhealthy foods may realize that ordering a pizza some nights allows them enough peace to get some work done. you have to learn to roll with the punches when parenting and right now your wife needs help so it’s time to reassess your parenting plan. | nah. having kids is stressful. nobody can say you weren't transparent about your concerns and the agreement you reached. however, what seemed like a fair commitment for her to make at the time might have transpired to be a very stressful experience. perhaps it's harder to do than she thought it would be. nevertheless, this is a joint commitment and i guess it's important to establish what you're not doing that she thinks you should be doing and bridge that gap. | nah. but i'd like to say: your wife goes to bed at 10 pm?!
my husband and i had a similar, if less-structured agreement, when we had our kid. i'm a sahm, so i knew i'd be sacrificing more sleep, even though he can function well on minimal sleep, and i cannot. knowing i needed as much sleep as i could get, when we brought our son home i went to bed at 8 pm, with the understanding that my husband would give me 4 hours uninterrupted sleep unless the house was on fire. after that, i was tagged in for the overnight shift. this arrangement literally kept me from developing ppd. i got a solid block of sleep, husband got some sweet bonding time while i was passed out cold, and everyone limped along until kiddo started sleeping longer stretches.
you two need to sit down and explore all of your options, including adjusting everyone's sleep schedules. i can't imagine staying up until 10 with a newborn to tend to.
also, post partum depression is real and scary. if adjusting sleep times doesn't help, maybe your wife needs to be evaluated. the post-baby hormone crash does insane things to mama's brain, and sometimes it's hard for her to see through the fog. keep an eye on her, and get her help if she needs it. | nah, yet. the fact of the matter is regardless of the arrangement you made, she’s struggling now. it wasn’t anticipated. the important thing here is to reassess and figure out a solution that works for both of you. sure, you’re noticeably tired at work— but what happens when she dozes off during the day on accident or is too tired to pay close attention and your kid gets hurt? you need to come to a new agreement that fits your lifestyle today, not hold her to this hypothetical plan you created before you actually had a child in the house.
edit to add: your kid is also about to hit the four month sleep regression. figure this out asap. | nah. being a new parent is hard, especially when you're sleep deprived. you wife is also dealing with a lot of emotions and hormones right now that honestly just make everything worse. make sure she gets a good night's sleep, at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep, and then talk to her about it. it will make a big difference in her ability to have a rational conversation. remind her of what you talked about, of how hard it is for you to work if you don't sleep during the night. ask her how else you can help so she doesn't feel like you're not doing your part. when you get home from work, take the baby and let her have a break | nta
would it be possible for you guys to hire a night nurse? it sounds like your wife needs help and you are unable to do so — budget for it, cutting whatever you can so she can get some sleep at night too. | nah. yes she agreed to do all night feedings before yall had the baby but things dont always work out the way u think. she probably didnt realize just how exhausting it can get after months of having broken sleep. i have 3 kids and was stuck doing all the night feedings with all of them. it is horribly exhausting and being that exhausted while caring for a baby is not a good thing. | nah. babies change everything. people tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps,but that's a laugh. by the time you get the kid back down after a feed and change, it's nearly time to do it all over if you have done any sort of self care like brush your teeth. some people can do it, i am not one of those. you know you have sleep anxiety, please reach out to a professional to get some coping skills because two parents with a lack of sleep for days on end is a nightmare.
she is going 5 days without a decent sleep and you're doing 2 if you follow the schedule. my husband has the higher paying job, i attempted to do all the night feeds, it didn't go great. we reached an agreement where i'd try and if i couldn't get the baby back down to sleep after 30 min, it was tag team time. that was our compromise. she may not be able to rest during day. she's making sure the baby stays alive. this is a fast track to resentment land. please find a new plan. | nta. weekend night feeds and 95% housework is pretty generous. if she needs more rest can you hire part help during the day? | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.939057 |
so earlier this week i had a very unsettling human exchange with someone on my flight from los angeles to new york and it’s been plaguing me that i still feel so annoyed by it. looking to calm myself down by someone either confirming these women were rude or telling me i’m the a-hole.
got a flight from lax to jfk this past wednesday. i have a deeply sprained ankle and am wearing a giant aircast. everyone sees me and my cast hobbling along to aisle to my seat (hard to be subtle with a giant plastic boot) because i was the literal last person to board.
i take my seat next to a nice gentleman. i’m ready to pass out for the flight by reading my book. right before we take off, a female runs back to the man sitting next to me and says “no one is sitting next to me! they never showed up - come sit with me!” so the man leaves and sits next to who i can only assume is his girlfriend or sister.
i’m thinking i must’ve done something great in my past life to have deserved such luck!! now i have no one sitting next to me and can elevate my foot during the flight, since i’m prone to blood clots and was worried.
however, almost immediately once the gentleman leaves, the woman across the aisle leans over and asks “did that man just leave?!?”, so i nod curtly and begin spreading my leg out, aircast and all and nodding off to sleep. i was hoping she would get the hint that just because there was an open seat next to me, didn’t mean i wanted to share it.
i’m awoken by this woman’s friend standing above me, with the women across the aisle, staring straight at me, saying “my friend is going to sit here.”
i was super disorientated upon waking so i just started adjusting myself and the woman took her new seat without a word. once she is settled, she points at my boot and asks “did you just have surgery?”
i’m so irked by her audacity to recognize my cast and my discomfort and also bluntly disregard her contribution to my discomfort.
edited to include here: once i full woke up, i leaned to the woman across the aisle and told her she was rude for not asking me if her friend could sit there and for disregarding my leg and cast. she simply said “okay” and i didn’t push it any further.
i’ve spent days so taken aback by this exchange. i know i was always going to have to sit next to another person, but i feel as if i had a stroke of good luck that someone stole from me.
am i being the asshole or am i right for thinking those ladies should have minded their business and let me have my seat to myself? | aita for getting mad at someone on a flight for putting their friend next to me without asking? | 383 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qskri2/aita_for_getting_mad_at_someone_on_a_flight_for/ | 2021-11-12 21:01:25 | nah. while it definitely would have been nice for the woman to leave you with the extra seat, it also wasn't yours. i think the most important thing is for you to let it go. i know what it is like to let little things bother me in the future. it won't do you any good unfortunately. don't sweat the small stuff! | esh- yea maybe they should have respected the space. but at the same time you did not pay for the extra seat. | yta.
you had no claim to that seat, you didn’t pay for it. you were trying to take up 2 seats but only paid for one. your new seatmate swapped seats but wasn’t using more than what they paid for.
if you needed additional accommodations for your leg you should have handled that ahead of time with the airline.
sure, i would have also taken advantage of the lucky empty seat but i also wouldn’t pretend to have a leg to stand on (no pun intended) if someone else wanted to sit there.
you were not due the request you demanded or an apology. | yta - you have claim over the seat you paid for and that’s it. you have zero say over who sits next to you on a flight. why would anyone have to ask you your permission to take an empty seat on a flight that is not yours and you did not pay for? | nah - it’s so nice when it works out and you get the row to yourself so i get why you were disappointed, but as others have said, you didn’t have claim to the seat any more than the other passenger who took it.
i’m a flight attendant based out of lax and if guests ask me, i couldn’t care less where they sit. i help them move seats all of the time during boarding so next time, find one and they can pull up the seating map and tell you where there are open rows or seats available. also, sometimes the apps will let you pick your seat for free (depending on who you are flying). just an fyi for anyone who cares, if there’s a two row exit row, the first row won’t recline and neither will the row in front of it ;) | i’m gonna get downvoted, but nta. everyone is right to say that neither of you paid for / deserved that seat - correct. but when there’s a shared resource open, it goes to either the first person who gets to it or the person who needs it the most. op is both of those! and waking up an injured person to take an extra seat they laid claim to? that’s some a behavior. | gentle yta. the seat didn't belong to you.
everyone on the plane bought exactly one seat, and had the right to exactly one seat. you started with someone in your row. so even if you pulled aside a flight attendant and demanded they step in and force everyone back to their original seats, you still would have had some next to you. it would have been nice
even if you'd started with the entire row, which you did not, the airline is also at perfect liberty to put someone next to you. people get moved around all the time for various reasons, including allergies, discomfort, mobility issues. as a matter of fact, depending on how full the flight was and how nicely you asked, you might have been able to ask a flight attendant to move you to an empty row. but instead you chose to take it out on some random woman. | yta
you always knew you were going to have to sit next to someone but you are pissed and telling the other passenger off because “i feel as if i had a stroke of good luck that someone stole from me”
not how it works | yta. it wasn't your seat either. you didn't pay for it, and that person had the same right to be excited for the opportunity/move as anyone else on the plane. | wow this is so hard i’m not sure i have a judgement. i agree with everyone who said you had no right to the seat. neither did the woman. i think it comes down to the lack of consideration in the exchange. was it more important for someone to sit near their friend than to help a person clearly in pain? obviously not. and unkind. so i think she was inconsiderate and rude enough to be a bit of an asshole. on the other hand, i’m not sure you should have clapped back. i think this leaves me at esh but very gently. really, can’t we all be more courteous? | 1 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 0.48049 | BENIGN | 0.982816 |
my wife (26f) and i (26m) have been married for almost a year now, but dated for 9 years before getting married, so will be reaching the 10 year milestone soon.
my problem is with "the child issue" that many couples have experienced - she wants kids, i do not. this is something we have talked about at length for several years, and during that time i have always had the same views on children; i don't want them. i have never wanted them, and i will never want them. it's not happening for me, and i have made that very clear to my wife since we were 16.
on her end, however, she has flip-flopped on this issue many times, but the majority of the time she has sided with me on the no kids front. she is someone who would naturally be a great mother, i'm sure of it, so before ever proposing/getting married i felt it was important to have these long talks about what it would mean for her to marry someone who does not want children. in the end, she always ended up saying that her life with me is what she wants, and if that means no kids, then no kids is fine.
shortly after we got married, however, she broke down in tears one night saying how she thinks she wants children now. after talking it out for a while, she said she was probably just feeling the "what next" feeling after taking the next big step in our relationship, and that she doesn't really want kids.
since then, the issue has come up several more times, with long talks each time, and she is now on the "wants kids" side, probably permanently. she still says that i am what she wants, and that she would never divorce me to find someone who will give her children... but now i feel like i am depriving her of something she was meant to do. both of our mothers would desperately love to have grandchildren, and make that known to us regularly. i really feel like i'm some monster who is the only person preventing this happiness from everyone around me.
other than this, we have such a happy marriage and life together, there are zero complaints otherwise, but i can't live like this, it comes up very frequently and i'm always the bad guy. this is why i told her that i think it's unfair for her to hold this against me when i have always been very clear that children will not be a part of my life.
tl;dr: don't want children, wife agreed to marry me saying she also doesn't want children, changed her mind, i want her to stop bringing it up as i feel it's unfair to make me seem like the bad guy when i'm not the one who changed my mind.
help me reddit, aita? | aita for wanting my wife to stop talking about having children? | 1,404 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bklkxh/aita_for_wanting_my_wife_to_stop_talking_about/ | 2019-05-04 14:17:16 | nah. both sides of the desire to have kids (or lack thereof) needs to be respected. you guys got together very young, it makes sense that these big questions don't get a definitive answer until your late 20's or even 30's.
i can't tell you to have kids for her, or for her to give up her dreams of having them because she's only now grown into the thought. if the rest of the marriage is great, consider counselling as a couple to work through this major life decision. or do what my neighbor's did and get a cat (no idea how that works for them tbf). | nah. honestly, brutally honestly, this might not work out. this is a huge issue and she's either going to stay with you and be depressed about not having kids, resent you for not "allowing" her to have kids and eventually start treating you like crap, or leave you to find someone who wants to have kids (if it's that big of an issue). she has the right to want kids and you have the the right to not want kids but this can easily turn into a very toxic situation if you're not on the same page. good luck. | nta, but you guys need couples counseling. | nta. you didn’t lead her on and you didn’t avoid having the conversation several times before getting married. you haven’t done anything wrong, and you’re not wrong for not wanting to constantly be made to feel guilty for what you do and don’t desire for your life. it’s a sucky situation to be in. people always think they can/life will change your mind about kids, and end up disappointing themselves when that turns out not to be the case. | nah - your marriage is doomed. sorry, you don't want to hear that, but it's true. you won't be able to "grow old" together if kids aren't in the mix because she's not going to stick around with you. you're not wrong for not wanting kids, let me say that. you say you've been very clear and that's fine. i salute you for not wanting kids and not bowing to pressure.
but your wife has flip-flopped so many times you're getting rubber neck burns. you know your marriage cannot be sustained if you stick to your guns and go no kids. you know it cannot be sustained if you give in and have kids and open up that mess.
it's really best at this point to let her go find someone who will have kids with her rather than keep her in this relationship. asking her to stop talking about it will only exacerbate the situation.
sorry. | nta. if you are adamantly sure you do not want kids, consider getting a vasectomy? it would really drive home the point that it's never and not maybe. it would probably also keep your families from asking when you are going to have kids. | nta.
it's hard to live with this but she married you knowing you didn't want kids; if she married you thinking she could wear you down/you'd change your mind - that makes her the asshole because she knew better.
you should probably visit r/childfree, if you haven't already and ask those who have been in your position what they did.
people from both sides are there, despite the impression. | nah but wow is this a dealbreaker. there is literally no way to compromise on the children issue, so i see only one possibility. | nah but ywbta if you keep thinking of her as the bad guy. she didn't choose to change her mind - from your post it sounds like she was always on the fence. you can try couples counseling but from my perspective this is the kind of question that could make or break your marriage. | nah- i get it both sides. have you guys got pets together? maybe try getting some form of animal and see if that makes a difference? | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.998675 |
so i was out for my morning coffee this morning and stopped afterwards to get some cash out of the atm. just as i got to the atm there was a mother pulling up with a kid ~7 years old and a pram with (presumably) another young child in there.
as i got into line behind her (it was just me and her), she was fiddling around on her phone, not really making any effort to get her card out or anything. after about 10-15 seconds she gets the card out, but then she gets the 7 year old to press all the buttons for her, which as you can imagine took forever. she had to tell him each individual number in her pin (i had headphones in and didn't hear the numbers) and every number he'd hover his finger above it and look back up for confirmation. same for the amount, confirming, etc etc.
obviously it'd be rude to just watch the numbers intently, so partly to halt my rising frustration and out of politeness i really tuned it out. about a minute later i look up and she's back to just standing in front of the atm playing with her phone and the kid just playing with the buttons.
she'd never acknowledged my presence so i came forward and said "are you done?". i guess a lot comes down to my tone, and i was clearly a bit annoyed, and that tends to make me a bit snarky. she replied with "oh you go ahead", which i did, and was done in about 20 seconds.
as i go to leave i hear what i'm sure many of you probably suspect, "ok let's give it another go".
yeah i felt horrible, clearly she wasn't 'playing on her phone', she was doing things on her account so she could withdraw money, and i'd snarkily asked her to let me get mine done. i'd like to think it would have clicked with me sooner if not for getting the kid to press all the buttons, but i don't know.
so was i the asshole? | aita for asking a mum to move away from the atm | 153 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c7on6r/aita_for_asking_a_mum_to_move_away_from_the_atm/ | 2019-07-01 05:31:02 | nah. everyone got their transactions done. you dashed in during a lull in the lady's more complex operation. she took up a little extra time getting her kid to help out, but i don't think she qualifies for ah status either. children are our future. | nah
no harm intended, just a little miscommunication. | nah
she was probably just transferring money between her account's and distracted with her possible 2 kids that she forgot about the rest of her surroundings. | nta.
you shouldn't have felt horrible at all. she was ta for letting her kids play with the atm while you stand there like an idiot.
for clarification: it's totally cool that she was teaching her kid life skills. but just as (if not more!) important is her teaching her kids that the world doesn't revolve around them. you let others go first if you're going to take a while. | nah. not your fault for not knowing she was doing things with her bank account on her phone. she didn’t notice you standing in line so she thought it was fine to let her kids have some fun. | nta - people who fuck around at the atm are the absolute worst. get your money out as quickly as possible and get out of the way. letting your kid do it for you is annoying as fuck, especially when other people are waiting. | nah. doesn't seem like she was annoyed, and she clearly wasn't in a hurry, plus she did the decent thing and let you play through. honestly i was all revved up to come in hot and declare her to be the asshole, because it drives me nuts when i'm behind someone in a long queue , only to see someone get to the front and then start the process of finding their card or cash in some enormous bag. but she was trying to include and educate her kid. all warm and fuzzy. | nah - it was just a misunderstanding and she didn't seem upset. i don't think you had bad intentions so it's fine don't worry too much about it. :) | nta, she isn't full blow asshole, but she sucks a bit. she should've let you go first the moment she realised she needed to do some stuff first, basically needlessly keeping the "line" up. so asking if you can go is completely warented. | nta. if she knew she’s taking a second more than a normal person she owes it to the world to let people go ahead of her. this woman’s situational awareness is terrible. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.997307 |
our very sweet receptionist has taken up a collection for a gift card for our 35m temporary coworker who is expecting his third child with his girlfriend soon. i (30f) don’t want to contribute.
he’s kind of a jerk, he comes in between a half hour to an hour late every single day, and when a few of us have to stay a half hour late at the end of the day he never offers to stay. he tries to escape before our boss asks him to stay. obviously my boss lets these things slide, which is another issue, but he doesn’t seem to care that these actions affect the rest of us negatively. he spends the day facetiming people with the speaker on so we have to listen to all of his conversations. we work in a control room environment producing live television and we literally have to ask him to pay attention because he’s so distracted on his phone. again, my boss should be the one enforcing this but that’s a different asshole situation.
on top of being terrible to work with, this guy brags to us about owning two other businesses on the side of this job. which says to me he’s likely doing a lot better financially than most of us.
all of this combined makes me very tentative to contribute my money to this gift. we don’t make much and have already had a major plumbing emergency and had to replace a major appliance this year. i don’t have a lot of extra money. i know i could throw in 5 bucks and be fine...but he makes our lives miserable here so why should i?
aita? | aita for not wanting to contribute to a coworkers “baby shower” gift? | 382 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nh2lu7/aita_for_not_wanting_to_contribute_to_a_coworkers/ | 2021-05-20 15:04:57 | don't want to give him money? don't give him money.
nah | nta, he treats you all like garbage but expects y'all to treat him like a king ? what an absolute waste of oxygen ! i think that you might need to report him to the hr op, this is getting out of control | nta
i always hated those work collections things. it puts you on the spot and you feel cheap if you don't put some money in for whatever reason. he's a temporary worker who doesn't do his fair share. you'll get people who say you're blaming the innocent baby for his actions but here's the deal: your own obligations and bills are your #1 priority so just say "sorry but i can't contribute at this time." if someone actually has the nerve to ask why, just say you have some personal reasons and leave it at that. | nta. you don’t owe anyone anything. just don’t give money. | you are asking if you are the ah fo not wanting to donate to some well-off prick? nta.
info: have you adressed him or the boss about your concern about this coworker? and does you boss do anything about it? | nta not only do you not have to gift him you don't need to explain your "reasons" which are judgements from you. | nah - he sucks, but in this context, he's not "the asshole" as your co-worker is putting this together (which is very nice of her, particularly if this dude sucks). so ruling "n-t-a" would be saying she is the asshole, which she's not. but you're not forced to contribute, particularly if money is tight, and you're not the asshole if you don't want to participate. | nah there's no actual conflict here. if you don't like the guy, then don't give him money. pretty simple. | nta is it normal to do collections like that for the man? not to be sexist of course, he's having a baby too but i dunno i have just never heard of getting a baby shower gift for a man unless it's at a baby shower and it's for both parents, you know?
either way, you are not obligated to contribute. | nta and i have a first baby only shower gift policy at work unless i know they are a family struggling or know them very well (in which case i generally just get them a gift outside the office). it has little to do with if i like them alot or not at all. just makes it less controversial if you are consistent. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.983977 |
my mother's dog passed yesterday. he was old and sick and while sudden, it was not unexpected. both my kids and my brothers kids are at my parents often and love all three of their dogs. my niece (4) was very upset to learn that the dog was gone and to "calm her down" and "help her feel better" was told he went to a farm instead. they asked me to tell my daughter something along these lines so as not to hurt her cousins feelings. my daughter (3) does not know yet, but i am planning on talking to her about it this evening when she's home from daycare. i planned on telling her the truth. something very basic, but honest, such as the dog was very sick and he died. he isn't hurting any more. he won't be back to play any more and we won't be able to visit him. then answer any questions she has. i'm sure she'll be upset, but i think processing it and moving forward is healthier than pretending something different. she may bring this up to her cousin at some point as they see each other often and talk a lot and my brother and his wife may have to deal with my daughter telling her a different story. or she may never mention it again. so reddit, wibta if i told my kid the truth about my grandmother's dogs death? | wibta if i tell my daughter that our grandmother's dog died even though her cousins were told he "went to a farm to play" | 63 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cns88o/wibta_if_i_tell_my_daughter_that_our_grandmothers/ | 2019-08-08 21:20:38 | nah, but you should give your niece’s parents a heads up. the kids will no doubt discuss what their parents told them, and i don’t think it’s right that the four year old’s first conversation about death would be prompted by a three year old. her parents deserve a chance to figure out how they want to approach this topic and discuss same with their daughter before your daughter spills the secret. | nah. we all process death differently. there is no right answer. you may want to give your siblings heads up that you aren't going the farm route so they can decide how they want to handle their own kids. you know, pay they the same courtesy they paid you. | nta. you are entitled to parenting your child how you see most effective. them deciding to lie to their kids is not your problem. | i wouldn't lie to my child.. i get it's a white lie.. and a 3 year old isn't even going to fully processes it, but it's not going to have any sort of major affect on her coming to terms with the death of her grandparents dog.
i would tell her as you said, xxx has passed away, she/he was poorly and has passed away. is in no pain now, and gone to doggy heaven. and point to the clouds.. say he's up there having fun doing x that he liked to do.. and sometimes you might see his face in the clouds.
i say i wouldn't lie then go on to say he's in heaven. lol. but you get the point.. i wouldn't say he's just gone to a farm..
nah | nah death is a very real thing everybody has to deal with eventually. sheltering our children from it will only make it more difficult to bear in the future. | nah this is a tough subject to approach and there isn't a right or wrong answer | nta
you aren’t obligated to lie to your kid just because they’ve chosen to lie to their kids. if they want to lie to their kids that’s their pejorative, but then they get to figure it how to maintain the lie, not demand that you do it for them. | nta/nah. you're not obligated to lie to your kid just because someone else lied to theirs. kids need to learn about death at some point and, frankly, learning it with grandmas dog is going to be easier than learning it with grandma, ya know? if you feel your daughter is ready, then she is. i said nah, as maybe your siblings dont feel their kids are ready, that's a call only they can make. as far as what your daughter tells her cousins? like you said, that's something their parents will have to deal with then. if they get mad at you, then they're the assholes. | nta. it’s your child, so what you say goes. you didn’t ask, but it’s a terrible idea to lie about what happened to the dog. | nta there are lots of books written for kids to help with this. i agree bad to lie about it, even from a young age. | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.736966 | BENIGN | 0.997071 |
context: there’s this boy band called big time rush and they’re having a reunion concert in december in chicago. i (19) loved them as a kid and i thought it was really cool they were getting together again to do a show.
around 6 am, i saw a post on social media about it and i shared it with a friend, ava (19), thinking she would see it later and we could talk about it. but she video called me immediately and was really insistent that we go. she was at her boyfriends house and it was obvious she was very drunk, and just very excited.
she was begging me over and over again to buy the concert tickets and that she would pay me back later. because she works two jobs, i didn’t doubt that she would pay me back, i just didn’t want to rush into spending $1300! (the tickets were about $650 each). i told her i needed to double check about my finals for college, the cost of the plane tickets, and that i still wanted to check in with my parents, and that i would call her in a few hours when she was sober to plan it out.
but she was worried that the concert would be sold out by then, or that the tickets would be more expensive if we waited. it was really hard to talk to her because she wasn’t really listening to any of my concerns and she was plastered and just pleading over and over to buy them because she wasn’t sober enough to do it.
i put my foot down and said i couldn’t just buy the tickets on a whim like this, and then she starts saying that if i don’t buy them then she will. i told her to wait but she wasn’t really listening, and by the time i got her attention, she said she just bought the tickets.
i was so frustrated into being strong armed into this that i just said i would talk to her later when she was sober. and it turns out, my finals do conflict with the concert so i couldn’t go if i wanted to. i let her know that i couldn’t go and to ask someone else and she said she would try, but if she can’t find anyone, am i obligated to pay her back?
aita for not wanting to pay her back? | aita for not wanting to pay for a concert i didn’t really agree to? | 422 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oxqeap/aita_for_not_wanting_to_pay_for_a_concert_i_didnt/ | 2021-08-04 11:09:24 | nah. of course you are not the ah here and do not pay her for the ticket. she will only be the ah if she does ask you to pay. i’m sure when she sobers up she will realise you said no and that’s on her. | nta. you are not obligated to pay her back. you told her no, you needed to wait. she didn’t, so she needs to figure it out | nta - your friend was drunk and made silly decisions. you are under no obligation to pay her back or should you if you told her to not buy the tickets. | nta that girl dropped more money than my mortgage...on a concert. don’t get me wrong, i support experiences, but i do not support drunk purchases... | first off, i’m jealous as fuck you have a friend that wanted to go. second off, nta. i called my friends to get tickets and they laughed and clearly i didn’t drop 1.3k on tickets | nta but your friend kinda is for putting you in this position! + even worse if she gives you a hard time and expect you to pay them back!
you said no and to wait. she didn’t listen. that’s her problem, not yours. this is why people shouldn’t make rash financial decisions when they’re drinking/drunk. it tends to come back to bite pretty much immediately. | nta. hell no. that is way too much for some washed up disney stars. and if your drunk friend likes them so much she can go get drunk at the concert. | nta - you explicitly told her you couldn't commit to it until you checked some stuff and she went ahead and bought them anyway. you aren't required to pay her back for something she bought when she knew you might not be able to go, that's her problem to deal with. | nta - wtf!? why would tickets to anything cost that much, that's ridiculous! that concert surely won't sell out with prices like that. | nta... as for if she´s ta.. that´ll depend on if she´ll ask for you to pay her back.
1. you tried to get her to be level-headed.
2. while she was in no state of mind to listen, she was also in no state of mind to be stopped from buying.
3. your reason not to attend are valid. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.545815 |
i (35f) have been with my fiancé, jake (42m) for 4 years, engaged for 1. our wedding will be in late september.
jake was previously married to melissa (59f). jake worked for her while he was in college, they started seeing each other, she got pregnant very early into their relationship and they got married right away. the marriage only lasted a few years and the divorce was unpleasant. their daughter, mia, is now 22.
i did not like melissa at all. she was condescending, rude and personally, i feel like her relationship with jake was predatory and i hold that against her. i rarely had to interact with her but i hated every time i did. she treated jake like shit and she snapped her fingers at me whenever she wanted my attention. jake would privately complain to me about her often but did very well at hiding his true feelings from mia.
melissa passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago and mia is obviously distraught.
this morning, she approached us about having a memorial table for her mother at our wedding. i tried to be as gentle as possible but i told her that we would not be doing that. i didn’t tell her how i felt about her mom but i did make it clear that i wasn’t open to memorializing her mom at my wedding.
mia has been crying all day and jake thinks we should consider it though he clearly doesn’t want it (his exact words were “well, i wouldn’t let it ruin my day” which is not exactly an enthusiastic agreement). he is desperate to ease his daughter’s pain and while i understand that as much as i can understand, i don’t want to honor a woman who treated me or my fiancé poorly at our wedding. they had been divorced for years before her death. they weren’t friends, they didn’t get along. she was not on the guest list; if she was not welcome in life, why should she be highlighted now? he understands where i'm coming from and agrees with me to an extent but thinks that we could appease mia with little effect on us and is upset that i won't consider it.
now i’m feeling guilty hearing her cry. mia and i get along really well and i don’t know if this is a reasonable hill to die on. i know she’s in pain and i want to show her compassion but i don’t want to do this. | aita for refusing a memorial table for my husband's ex wife? | 368 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wto145/aita_for_refusing_a_memorial_table_for_my/ | 2022-08-21 02:16:37 | nah. but in your place i would offer to help her plan an event that is actually meant to memorialize her mother. mia is important to you, and melissa was important to her. i think that would go a long way. your wedding is not an appropriate place for this. | nta. first i'm sorry she lost her mother.
but your wedding is for you and your husband. both of you weren't fond of her. and he's been divorced a long time.
i believe the only people that should come to a wedding are those who support and love the bride and groom. i think this should extend to memorial pictures as well.
stepdaughter can have a picture of her mother at her wedding. or any other special occasions in her life.
maybe there's a compromise. could you both surprise her with a locket that has her and her mother in it? or something similar she can carry with her. | nta. they’re both asking a lot of you to have a memorial for his ex wife who he’s not with anymore at your wedding! your wedding day is meant to be a happy event and i feel like that shouldn’t be there! also, if they want to memorialize her, they should plan a memorial event for her another time! | nta. i think the most important thing here was that she was not on the guest list when alive. in my opinion, it would be one thing to acknowledge when an invited guest has passed with something small like maybe a candle and a photo sitting at their assigned place setting, but to add her memorial into your day simply because she died is unnecessary. she has her own ceremony, it's called a funeral. | nta. you had no relationship with melissa, and while she was mia's mother, this is not mia's wedding. furthermore, jake's prior marriage ended years ago. it would be strange to have a memorial for her at your wedding. | nta- this is a weird ask and you are in the right to say no. your soon to be step daughter is just grieving and looking for ways to deal with. why don’t you offer to do something nice to remember her mom by on a different day, go to her favorite restaurant or park etc. | nta. even if melissa was your favorite person in the world this would not be appropriate. as others have suggested, you can find other ways to help mia grieve and memorialize her mother. | nta. especially since she wasn’t invited in the first place.
it would be appropriate and even sweet for mia to have a memorial table for her mother at *her* wedding. it would be unusual but reasonable to have a memorial table for an ex-spouse at a wedding if they’d stayed friends after divorce and had a good co-parenting relationship. it would be frankly *weird* to have a memorial table in your situation imo. | nta. super weird and morbid. i would understand if it was the daughter’s wedding and she wanted to memorialize her mom. but her ex husband’s wedding? that’s weird. | nta, she wouldnt have been at the wedding if she was alive, she shouldn't be there in spirit now that she is dead. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.999249 |
i was on an international flight (12 hour flight) a few months ago that was dead empty. maybe 10% capacity.
i was flying premium economy so i was in the seat just behind business class. i could see the entire section and no one was sitting in it, and maybe only 2 or 3 people were in premium economy with me.
the flight is about to take off and i ask the flight attendant “hey, can i sit in one of the business class seats? i don’t care about the food or drinks.” and i point at the empty seats in front of me.
she asks “oh, would you like to upgrade your seat?”, and i kind of got the hint she wasn’t gonna let me but i asked how much out of curiosity. she said she would check for me.
she comes back and says it would be some several thousand dollars and asked how i would be paying. i told her i wasn’t interested and then she tells me “sir we don’t just move people around for free you understand?”
i fly a lot, and this is something i try occasionally (especially on dead flights) and this is the only time i ever had a flight attendant get snarky with me about it (and it actually worked once). is it bad mannered to ask for a seat upgrade? | aita for asking for a seat upgrade on a flight? | 137 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hjr56g/aita_for_asking_for_a_seat_upgrade_on_a_flight/ | 2020-07-02 05:33:25 | nah former flight attendant here. i don't think it's bad mannered but it's annoying af because it brings the cabin crew in the uncomfortable position to have to decline. it would also anger the paying business class passengers and mess up the service. | nta but don't be surprised if you are told no. getting snarky however isn't very nice. | nah— it doesn’t hurt to ask since sometimes it does happen. but expect them to get annoyed.
they get asked all the time and it is super annoying. also if someone sees you do it, they’ll want the same treatment. | yta if you're not willing to pay for the seat upgrade you ask for - the flight attendants can't really make a habit out of giving out free stuff. just like any job. if you were willing to pay for it then you wouldn't be in the wrong, but you're not asking for an actual upgrade (paid), you're asking for free things & for the employees to go against company policy, | nah, but the flying attendance was in the right: you can’t upgrade your seat only because the business seats are empty. | yta.. pay for the seat if you want it that badly
sometimes you do get free upgrades if there's double bookings, issues with your seat/service etc. it's a nice treat. it shouldn't be an expected norm. | nta. it was fine for you to ask, it was fine for her to say no. it was not fine for her to be snarky, because you're a customer. | yta
don’t ask if you’re unwilling to pay for an upgrade. i read an article about this scenario once that made it easy to see why you can’t just get the upgrade for free.
economy seats are like purchasing a toyota or ford.
first class is like getting a lambourgini or ferrari. just because it’s not being used by someone else, doesn’t mean you can purchase that fancy car for the price you paid for the normal car. that’s not how it works.
also, that attendant could possibly face serious consequences by allowing a coach passenger to take a first class chair.
you get what you pay for. | yta only slightly and that's simply because it's unfair for the people who paid for the more expensive seating for you to then get it for free. unfortunately it's just one of those things where yes it's a bit unfair if all the seats are empty but it's a business at the end of the day and the flight attendants have to do their job. the attendant is also an ass for being rude though they could have been nicer about it | nah for asking but you would have to expect a no | 1 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 0.53203 | BENIGN | 0.785162 |
apparently she hates this.
my wife recently gave birth to twins. she got released 5 weeks ago. we just began to have sex again. its definitely different for both of us. she still has all of these hormones, and she is cranky because she does take care of our children a bit more.
flash forward to yesterday. after having sex, she starts to doubt herself. saying that she's not good enough. that i could go for someone better. i comfort her, and then this culminates to me calling her a milf. i said "hey, i have a thing for milfs". she then started to cry and left to the guest bedroom.
i decided not to bother her. around midnight, the twins wake up, and i go check on them. after i'm done with them, i go check on n my wife. she calls me an asshole for calling her a milf. i apologize again. today morning she said that again.
am i the asshole? | aita for calling my wife a milf | 1,124 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/da0iz2/aita_for_calling_my_wife_a_milf/ | 2019-09-27 13:37:27 | nah
your intentions were good, even if it backfired. milf is one of those terms that some women would find complimentary, while others find degrading. now you know.
even though you are not an a, she thinks so, which is what really matters. it clearly hurt her feelings. (i.e. our validation doesn't fucking matter. making things good with your wife does.)
---
when was the last time you did something flirty/date-like with her? not have sex, but show her that you want to spend time with her as the women you love? it's been a while, right?
my advice, apologize. then later, not tied to the apologize, tell her that you have organized a sitter and you are taking her out. when that night comes, dress nicely and give her flowers. | yta. it's a pretty ugly term that for some reason a lot of guys think is a compliment. it often implies "i think you're attractive despite being a mother," which is probably not what she wants to hear right now. i'm guessing she wants to feel that to you she's the same person she was before. | yta
milf is usually reserved for much older women and is almost a backhanded "compliment"
like "you look good, for someone that had kids"
try "you look sexy" "as sexy and beautiful as ever"
she is trying to learn motherhood and embrace her new body and mourn her old body that will neve be quite the same. it's extremely hard emotionally for a lot of us. | isn't less than 4 weeks post-partum pretty early to start having sex again? sure sounds like she isn't ready yet, at least emotionally.
nah because you meant it kindly and apologized. she's also not ta because she's allowed to find the term degrading and because she's still in a full hormone/sleep-deprivation tornado and is allowed some overreactions.
it goes without saying that calling her a milf again now that you know she doesn't like it would an asshole move. :) | a bit, yes, yta. you were trying to be nice and make hey feel sexy, but you probably could have chosen a different way to put it. "i have a thing for milfs" makes it sound like you don't appreciate her just for herself, but it's have a fetish for milfs that she now happens to fit. "so you want to fuck *other* milfs, too?" you made it not about her, but about yourself. (ps: my first child is 6 weeks old and my wife so i'm in a similar position, fwiw) | “i have a thing for ____” is a huge no. that’s implying she’s a fetish and that you’re looking at other “milfs”. yta | yta. i mean, milf is basically a porn category for women who aren't cute, tight young things anymore but who some guys are still into for some reason... or that's the implication. i can't imagine a new mom being the least bit flattered. she feels insecure and hormonal, and rather than communicating her value and beauty you've basically implied that all the negative things she believes about herself may be true, *but that's ok because you get off on those things.* | yta - not for the milf comment but for leaving your wife crying in the guest bedroom alone. | yta. what you said was a joke, not actual reassurance or a compliment. make sure you’re tending to her emotional needs... in general those are way more important to women following a birth than sexual intimacy. | nah
congratulations! newborn twins. you both must be exhausted! she has a lot on her plate with everything thats going on and all the changes and a lot of hormones.
you meant it as a compliment and she didn't take it like that and you apologised. maybe next time don;t wait that let and don;t let her cry in the guest bedroom - but hey, you also have newborn twins so you need to get some slack too.
go to her again and tell her that you didn't mean it derogative and that you wanted her to feel sexy and thought it would be a nice thing to say and that you realise it had the opposite effect and that you're sorry.
be kind to one another and all the best | 1 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.933383 |
i’m a 23 year old male. i’ve been dealing with severe hashimoto’s, myalgic encephalomyelitis, chronic insomnia, and pots syndrome for the last 4 years. i was a former college football player with a bright future. i had several surgeries in a row to correct some cartilage injuries. the health issues started after the surgeries.
my dating life has been mostly non-existent for the last few years because i just don’t have the fucking physical/mental energy to date. around new years eve, i met a girl from tinder for drinks. we had a great time and have been dating the last several months.
over the last 3 weeks, my health has declined severely as a result of me over-exerting myself between work, dating, and life in general.
i feel numb, flat, and just totally apathetic. my girlfriend noticed something was wrong over the last several weeks. i tried explaining my health issues to her. i told her that dark, low energy phases like this are common for me. she said she understood and was fully supportive, but still asks me to go out drinking, dancing, etc... when i really only have the energy to lay around her apartment.
yesterday, i told her i needed a 4 week break to simply focus on my health and recharge. she was heartbroken. she told me she doesn’t expect me to come back, but that she cares and wants me to get healthy. i’m so torn. i care about her, but i’m not sure what i want with her right now because i’m to exhausted to think clearly. she’s the perfect girlfriend, but i can’t physically handle anything outside work and immediate family right now. aita for asking for a break from her? | aita for telling my perfect girlfriend i need a break? | 117 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b5uaz5/aita_for_telling_my_perfect_girlfriend_i_need_a/ | 2019-03-26 19:47:20 | nah - you have to do what's best for your health. but you also have to accept she may not wait around. sometimes the timing just isn't right. | nah. you sound like you definitely do need a break. you're allowed to have time to yourself especially if it's working on your mental health issues. it's also not a bad thing that she wants to go out with you. it can be pretty hard for a mentally healthy person so understand the struggles of someone who isn't.
but of course she would be heartbroken over it, but she seems like she took it well considering the situation. so yeah, nah | yta something like this happened to my friend. you can not put people on pause because you want too. it’s emotionally damaging for them. just break up with her don’t keep her around because you can’t manage being lonely. your a major asshole if you keep her waiting.
if you aren’t healthy don’t put her at that expense. | nta but don’t expect her to be there for you when you get done with the break. “breaks” are stupid imo, if you are not able to be in a relationship at this time then do the kind thing and properly break up with her. | nah but instead of taking a break why don't you just ask her to relax with you while you get your health back up to speed, instead of going out dancing why don't you just have movie nights together for a few weeks and just see each other a little less a week giving you the time you need and being able to stay together without any heart breaks. your own and hers included.
if she really is understanding she should do this for you. | nah.
keep in mind, when people hear "break" they usually think break-up. the only difference between a break and time to yourself is you're allowed to see other people. if you just need a few weeks where you lay around the apartment and have nights in, or even to spend less time with each other that's different. make sure she's aware that it's not her specifically you need a break from, it's just the nightlife. and maybe call it me time or something | nah but, if she's potentially a keeper, i'm not clear on whether you have been as open with her about the extent of your health problems as you could have been.
i understand shielding her in the early stages, and keeping things positive. but rather than just cutting her loose when you hit the wall, did you consider laying it all out for her and asking if she wanted to stay? it's nice of you to give her an "out", but what if she would have chosen to ditch the club and help you? maybe her clear head could help advocate for you to find a physician who can really help you. | nah but you dont need to take a break, you could just ask her to do very low energy stuff like watching movies in your apt. | nah but don’t push her away man, if she really is that supportive and understanding you need to give her a chance to understand what’s going on with you.
i had a fairly serious diagnosis last year and while i have been frustrated at my wife’s lack of understanding at times i would be doomed without her.
give it a chance, could be the best thing that ever happened to you. | yta for not communicating before doing this.
"hey babe i know we had the talk about what's going on and you were really supportive, which i appreciate. i'm not sure if you really understand just what a toll this is taking on me right now though, and i just can't do a lot of the things you're asking me to do. i'd love to brainstorm some less physically-demanding couple's activities with you if you'd be into that."
would be an example of how to have better handled that. it doesn't really seem like you've put any effort into alternate activities that won't stress your body, though that's forgivable given the strain you're already under. i would be scared too if i was her though. | 1 | 1 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 0.589572 | BENIGN | 0.999149 |
i (28f) am a doctor in a relatively large hospital in australia. since january i've got a new work mate, i'll call her s. s moved here from the us. she has recently told me that she's having an unexpectedly hard time making new mates. she's a nice enough girl so i decided to take her along to a barbie that was happening yesterday.
when we were there we were all having a good time. i talked to her a d must have used the words get fucked or fuck me when talking about something. she asked me to please not use these words. i didn't think too much of it but over the course of the night multiple friends approached me asked me what s's deal is. apparently she asked everyone she spoke to not to say stuff including bloody, cu.nt, fucking hell, bloody hell, wanker, dickhead and so on.
people were a bit annoyed cause that's just how we talk here, it's not even rude. so when she was leaving i asked if she had a good time to which she said yes. then i asked if i could give her a word of advice and she agreed. i told her that it is hard for people to relax and socialise if they are not allowed to talk the way they usually do around her. i suggested that if she could be a bit more tolerant lots of people would be happy to invite her out to gatherings as she is a witty person. she got really upset and said that she doesn't want to be friends with rude people. i told her that this is how most aussies talk and if that's a deal breaker she will not find friends easily.
looking back i feel a bit bad because she does seem quite lonely but i genuinely thought it could be a cultural misunderstanding and that she'd be more accepting of it and as a consequence get more friends.
aita? | aita for telling someone she'd have an easier time finding friends of she was more accepting of "rude" language? | 1,051 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gtg3pt/aita_for_telling_someone_shed_have_an_easier_time/ | 2020-05-30 15:37:51 | nah. it is a cultural misunderstanding (although i border on her being ta for asking everyone to speak differently). she'll either get used to it or be lonely for a long time. you were right to let her know it's cultural. | she came to a new country and expects them to adapt their way of life around her? sounds like an american. nta. | nta she can't expect everyone to change the way they speak just because she's too sensitive to bad language | nah - this isn't an ah thing, it's just two cultures impacting on each other, clearly where she comes from any kind of blue language is frowned upon while in your culture its absolutely fine. i think you were brave to give her the advice you did and it's now up to her to think about if she should try to be more accepting of language like that in the future - which she probably ought to do assuming she's staying in australia. | nta, it's close to nah but it sounds like she's moved to another country without doing much research into its culture and then got upset by it, tried to correct it and got angry at a local for explaining the situation to them.
as a brit who's moved to canada i have the opposite issue she has. instead of blaming canadians i just adjust my language. | nta. if i were you i'd look for an opening to talk with her one more time, just for one last chance to help out, if you wanted. next time you witness something similar, repeat again that this is just how people talk here, and actually spell out that it is *not* considered rude here, even if it's considered rude wherever she's from. this is aussie culture, not american.
one thing i think is important to point out to her - it *is* considered rude to police another culture's use of language, and that's probably why she's alienated people. and that she's a great person that other people should get to know, if she would stop pushing them away. | nta.
if she's from the us she's got friends that talk that way too. she needs to grow up. | nah you were trying to look out for her and even asked permission to give advice first. but i also don’t think she is an asshole for not wanting to hear that kind of language. if she keeps pestering people now though i think she’d be an ah. at this point she either needs to get over it or remove herself from the situation. | nah. you were trying to educate her on the country you live where she is not from. she will need to learn to adapt if she wants to make friends. some of those words here in the us are looked badly upon (however not all of them) | who the hell tells other people to not curse at their own gathering?
she’s not an asshole, she’s dumb. maybe a conservative background, in which case probably not too exciting or interesting anyway.
and it’s not culturally that different - americans curse as much as anyone else. we don’t typically use c*nt the way some other cultures do, but plenty of other curses exist, lol.
nta | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.896299 |
hello,
backstory: i just moved to my fiancée's home country after having a long distance relationship with her for sometime. she's now 11 weeks pregnant and she's experiencing severe hyperemesis (incredibly bad morning sickness - more like all day sickness).
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i bought her a pregnancy pillow (one which can wrap around her entire body) recently, and she's been using it in bed. it's a queen sized bed, but with the pillow too, there's not a lot of room for me now, so i'm sleeping as far up against the wall on my side of the bed.
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today she's told me that she didn't sleep well last night because she's having to get up around 4 times a night to pee (as a result of the fluids she's being administered to help with dehydration). she told me that once she did get back into bed, i was breathing in her general direction, and it wasn't very pleasant - which is fair enough, but i'm having trouble sleeping facing the wall, my arm now has a bad ache every time i am positioned that way. she also cannot face the other way as a result of having the line for her fluids in her arm.
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now, i wanted to figure out how we are going to solve this - as the big thing here is that we need to re-arrange her room as a few pieces of furniture need to move around to make sure we both have access to a side of the bed, and also for room in the future for a crib. in lieu of that not happening instantaneously (need help from her brothers to shift the furniture), i suggested that i sleep in the front room until it comes time to rearrange the bedroom.
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she took this to mean that i didn't want to sleep next to her in bed anymore, which is entirely untrue - and i even made that clear, but she then says that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill out of the whole situation.
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what i can take away from this is that we are both uncomfortable, so i am willing to bite the bullet and go and sleep elsewhere so that she can be comfortable in bed. | aita for suggesting to my pregnant fiancée that i sleep on the couch because she's uncomfortable in bed? | 187 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aw8ey8/aita_for_suggesting_to_my_pregnant_fiancée_that_i/ | 2019-03-01 19:03:19 | nah - pregnancy is a bear, my man. | nah
you're doing everything you can - unfortunately, it's just a shit situation that you all kind of have to deal with until the birth (my oldest brother moved the full size spare bed into their living room when his wife was pregnant as it was the only room with an air conditioner at the time and she got astoundingly hot towards the end while he stayed in their bedroom; this was a mutually agreed upon decision though) | nah - just a tough situation
do you have an extra mattress that could be put in the same room?
also this *should* pass once she gets to the second trimester. hopefully. | nah but i just want to tell you i suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum and it was absolute hell. she’s really probably not that upset her hormones are just everywhere. while she knows it makes logical sense it still hurts her heart because she’s literally miserable. edited to change to nah bc i don’t pay attention to anything apparently. | nah. this is a tough situation for both you and your fiancée.
perhaps you could suggest it as a one-night trial sort of arrangement? 'let's try it tonight and just see if it helps you get a good night's sleep.' then if it goes well and she is able to get a good night's sleep, which it sounds like she really needs right now, she might be more open to carrying on with sleeping separately.
you're a good guy, and you're only thinking of her. | nta. i think your solution is reasonable. she’s going through a lot, and those hormones are a bitch. | nah. you want her to feel as comfortable as you can manage while also being comfortable sleeping yourself, and she's a mess from hormones and being sick all the time and probably views you being next to her as comforting even if it can be temporarily uncomfortable. any way you can like...stuff an air mattress in there? | nah
hg is a helluva condition to deal with on top of normal pregnancy bullshit. your fiancée is already emotional as hell (thanks first trimester hormones). i’m currently 7 months pregnant and alternate from wanting my husband to cuddle me or fuck alllll the way off.
i recommend framing it as a way for her to get the rest her body desperately needs, maybe cuddle on the couch together and then at bed time part ways for a trial run (1-2 nights). then revisit your discussion, if she would still rather you in bed with her try swapping the pillow out for a smaller one. i highly recommend the boppy body pillow, it doesn’t take up the whole bed and can be used as a nursing pillow one the baby is on this side. | welcome to life with a pregnancy lol. this will probably not be the last little situation you'll have to sort out. nah. try to stay positive and be understanding. forget about what's "fair" if you want to be happy. | nah. i’m 8 months pregnant. i sleep on the couch for part of each night. i’m afraid that my tossing and getting up so often to use the bathroom bothers my husband. (though he says it doesn’t.) it’s temporary and sleep is important. she is having a rough time, so it’s understandable that she’s feeling extra sensitive. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.999151 |
my sister and her husbands 15 year anniversary was coming up and he booked her a surprise visit to bali. obviously that’s a huge trip and he asked family beforehand if we’d all be willing to pitch in and look after their 2 kids (8 y/o niece and 9 y/o nephew) on their 2 week vacation.
i immediately offered to look after my niece, but not my nephew. he is destructive, rude, doesn’t listen, and breaks my sons toys. he will literally break down wooden doors if he doesn’t get his way, because his hyper masculine father and traditional mother laughs it all off as a great big joke and boys will be boys. i have to admit, he does try and be a good father and they’ll usually own up to their mistakes but usually after the fact. my own parenting style is quite different. on the other hand, my niece and son get along very well as they’re both obsessed with the same sorts of books and toys. she is very gentle, thoughtful, and articulate and she’s nothing like her brother.
my brother in law at the time of my offering was very relieved and took me up on my offer. my parents took my nephew, grudgingly, and they pleaded with me to look after both kids which i resolutely said no to. they are both in their late 50’s and have a stupidly disposable income, as well as a private chef and maid. i’m a single mom, i don’t have time or energy to look after 3 kids, 1 of whom has destructive behavioral issues.
i had a really good time with my niece, as i don’t work a traditional 9-5 so had a lot of free time for the kids. i didn’t take my nephew out on excursions because i literally cannot control him- he will spit, kick, yell, shove, etc, and he cannot he calmed down.
i did however book my parents + nephew the same tickets to whatever i was doing, but i really don’t want him around my son (we limit exposure even at family gatherings) and so they’d go on different days.
when my sister and bil came back they were very grateful, and i have to stress they didn’t at all seem entitled or angry, but my sister expressed that she was very sad that her son was left out and he was jealous that he was stuck with the ‘boring’ family members whereas his sister had the ‘fun’ one. i feel really awful because he does love me, and he can be a very sweet and loving child. but his temper scares me, and i have my own 7 year old child to think about keeping safe too. my mom and dad still think i was wrong for offering to take one kid, not both, and as much as i loved my time with my niece i’m regretting offering in the first place. | aita for refusing to look after my destructive nephew but offering to look after my niece while their parents weren’t on vacation? | 358 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c9zusk/aita_for_refusing_to_look_after_my_destructive/ | 2019-07-06 22:56:34 | nah. you aren't under any obligation to watch anyone else's kids at all. maybe being "left out" will be something of a wake-up call to your nephew. i hope someone explained to him that the reason he couldn't stay with you was because of his behavior. maybe he will have something to think about, and have another chance to prove that he can behave acceptably in the near future. | >but my sister expressed that she was very sad that her son was left out and he was jealous that he was stuck with the ‘boring’ family members whereas his sister had the ‘fun’ one.
well that’s the consequences of their cave-man parenting. if the child wants to spend time with you, maybe this will be a motivation for him to behave better in order to do so. but your sister should be looking in the mirror and at her husband rather than at you for the situation.
nta
so not the asshole, in fact it is great that you know how to set and maintain boundaries, and also good job on looking out for your own kid with regard to his destructive cousin. | nta- if they had raised their son properly then youd want to watch him. maybe they shouldnt laugh off his destructive behavior | nta if you really feel it is a safety issue for your 7 year old. it sucks for the kid, because he probably has some awareness that he is not welcome to stay with you, but the safety of your own child comes first. | i’m gonna say nta
you had no obligation to sit either of them so it’s reasonable you wanted a kid that can behave. if he wants to be with the fun relatives he’s gonna have to shape up. | nta. his parents need to sort out his behavior problems that they have clearly been made aware of. | nta. you’re not obligated to watch other people’s children and guilting you after the fact is a dick move, especially since you did watch your niece for them. if they keep guilting you, i wouldn’t offer to watch either of them in the future, it’s not worth it. | nta. have you brought up those exact reasons with his parents? or spoke to your nephew directly (in a kid-friendly way)? if no one has ever told him that his behavior can be a problem sometimes, then he’s never going to change.
if you have spoken with him/his parents, then that’s on them for not acknowledging the issue or trying to fix it. | nta - as a cf individual i would have offered the same because i would have no framework to manage a high-maintenance kid. but i could only imagine the nephew may think he is undesirable of your love, because humans tend to the negative and he's a kiddo. maybe make time to see him and explain that 3 was too many and it wasn't a spiteful separation of him from you. also, explain hyperspecifically to your sister why you didn't take him, explain where his behaviour needs to be at for you to take him in future.
having boundaries doesn't make you an asshole. | nta. you did this all exactly right, as far as i can tell. you protected your family, refused to engage with the side effects of your nephew’s poorly managed behavioral issues, and offered financial support for both kids to have the same experiences. when he learns how to behave, you can reconsider in the future if you are willing to take him on.
i don’t know you but i am honestly super proud of you! | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.986106 |
sorry, in advance if i included too much detail or not enough. **tl;dr** \- my roommate’s girlfriend is worried about how close he and i are and my roommate wants to tell her that i’m gay to help show that we’re just friends. i’m not out and had a bad experience with being out earlier in life and asked him not to tell her.
**background:** my roommate, josh, (22m) and i (21f) are best friends and have lived together for about a year and a half now. it has been really great with the only real downside being that a lot of our classmates (small campus=quick gossip) think that we are dating. we’re both quick to rebut that whenever it’s brought up and at this point i don’t know if people actually think it’s true or just think it’s a funny joke.
but here’s this thing: i’m gay. the only person currently in my life who knows this is josh. i trust him 100% and he has been an amazing ally in all this. however, when i was in high school i was outed and, among other things, got the shit kicked out of me by people i considered friends.
**the problem:** about five months ago, josh started a long-distance relationship with a girl, lily. she lives on the other side of the country and i don’t know her that well other than occasionally waving or saying hi if i walk by while they’re talking on zoom. recently josh told me that lily was insecure about the fact that he lives with a girl. they have been strictly virtual due to the pandemic and are only recently able to start talking about a time for him to go visit her.
apparently the usual, ‘we’re just friends’ line wasn’t enough since lily saw some comment from a schoolmate joking about us as ‘the married couple’ and now all the signs that we’re best friends look like warning signs to her. josh asked me if he could tell her that i was gay to help clear things up but i said no. instead we set up a virtual game night with josh, lily, a couple other friends, and i to try to help her see me as just one of his friends rather than ‘the girl who lives with him’. i even told our friends ahead of time not to make any dating/married couple jokes. the game night went okay if not a little awkward at times, but the next night i overheard josh having to assure lily again that he and i are just friends, so apparently it didn’t entirely fix the issue.
i’m afraid i’m the asshole by asking josh not to tell lily that i’m gay. i am absolutely terrified of being outed again, but i know that it’s not rational. she’s not connected to anyone else that i know and even if my friends/acquaintances did know, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal. i hate that it’s affecting josh’s relationship and i feel like i’m being selfish not getting over my fear. | aita for asking my roommate not to tell his girlfriend that i’m gay? | 714 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s7qpqn/aita_for_asking_my_roommate_not_to_tell_his/ | 2022-01-19 13:59:38 | nah.
you are definitely not ta for wanting to keep your sexuality confidential.
josh is not ta for asking if he could tell his girlfriend that you're gay and alleviate her fears (but he would be ta if he went ahead and told her anyway after you said no).
the only one who is even close to being ta is lily, but given that people make married couple jokes about you and her boyfriend i can see where her concern comes from.
an awkward situation all around, but i don't really see any of y'all doing anything wrong. | nta. you're allowed to be out to who you feel comfortable being out to, and lily's insecurities don't override that.
that said, have you looked into therapy? you might feel comfortable coming out to more people (not necessarily lily) if you work through the stuff that happened when you first came out. | nta. her insecurities are not your responsibility. your sexual orientation is not critical to this analysis. i'm attracted to men, but not to every dude on the planet. he's your friend. you aren't attracted to him and he isn't someone you would consider a relationship with. that's a complete explanation. | nah: that said it doesn't seem like a tenable position for your roommate and his so.
many people would not be comfortable with their so living with alone with someone of the sex they are attracted to while they are far away. | nta
you are not required to "prove" anything to lilly. either she believes josh, or she doesn't, and your orientation has nothing to do with that. | nah
maybe he could try going for the "she's basically my sister" angle. and he wouldn't date you even if you were interested.
and i mean... if you are best friends i assume that's true.
maybe you could try to do more game nights with friends and his gf, and if people do bring up marriage jokes respond in a more sisterly way like "eew gross"?
i mean, unless that feels fake and uncomfortable to you. i dunno how you normally respond to the jokes, but that might be part of the problem. like, if you go along with the jokes, of course she might get insecure.
but either way he needs to have a long conversation with his girlfriend, and either reassure her, or if that fails consider whether the relationship is worth moving and getting a different roommate or his own apartment.
though i do think you should try to work through your fear of telling people you're gay. i mean, you're gonna have to eventually unless you never want to get a significant other, or you know, hide your relationship from everyone you know.
it would probably majorly reassure the gf if she knew you're gay. but your feelings on telling her are super important, and if it makes you uncomfortable it's completely fine to say no.
(and like, if she's seriously worried about him cheating, telling her now might not even be enough. cause it's sounds like she's had there worries for a while, and it's easy for a cheater to lie. obviously it depends on her and how much she trusts him. and again, he needs to have a serious conversation with her.) | nah
you don't have to tell her. he is not the asshole because he hasn't told her without your permission and she is not the asshole because her concerns are understandable and reasonably expressed.
however, she does not appear to be a danger to you and has been vetted by someone you trust. if she turns out to be a homophobe trust that josh will break off the relationship. trust your friends to accept you as you are (or be relieved they are no longer your friends when they show their true colours).
josh has been a good friend to you and has kept your secret, and now that secret is causing him pain by affecting his relationship. you have the possibility (not the obligation mind you) to alleviate that pain. if you truly love him and the only thing holding you back from helping him is fear then be afraid and do it anyway (and i say that as a lgbtq member with ptsd, i'm not saying it will be easy). you being safe is obv more important than him being happy but the goal is to have both right?
most gf don't want their bf to keep secrets from them, live with other women they believe to be heterosexual, hang out with his friends while they joke he is married to someone else... that doesn't make her insecure, these are normal and healthy boundaries to have. do you understand how bad this looks?
adding to this the fact they are in a ldr would definitely make most women in her situation wonder if she is being an unwilling third party.
i do have a question, i have many male friends (i'm female myself) and people have never joked that we are in a relationship. i understand that people might make assumptions based on your living situation alone but is it possible that you are coming off as a couple due to other behaviour that seem friendly to you but might make your significant others uncomfortable? do you call each other cute nicknames? do you touch each other a lot? if he had lint on his jacket what would you do? | nta. coming out is something you do in your own time. his girlfriends insecurities will need to be addressed another way.
it's really not his place to out you to a girl. even if he really likes her. i feel for him as he's being put in a really difficult situation. | nta. you choose who you come out to on your own timeline. that said, it may come to pass that you and your roommate will find alternate accommodations. | nta
you're nta because coming out is a very personal and private thing and should be your decision and your decision only.
josh is nta either because he asked you before saying anything, so he cares obviously, and seems to come from a good place.
the only person that's close to being ta would be lily who has so little confidence in her relationship that she seemingly thinks josh will hump the first girl that he comes across. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.987691 |
my wife and i have recently separated and since the split was mutual and amicable, we have been roughly dividing property up evenly.
however i brought up the engagement ring and said we should sell it and split the proceeds between us because the break up was mutual, we were miserable together and this money will help us with start up costs of being single again.
however my ex is of the opinion that because the ring has served its purpose she gets to keep it despite the fact it was my investment. i'm of the opinion that because the ring is conditional on being married, i am entitled to receive the ring back in full but am happy to meet her half way.
while out break up has been amicable, this has actually now started causing some tension.
am i the asshole? | aita for wanting to split the proceeds of my ex-wifes $10k engagement ring when our breakup was mutual? | 61 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/crye97/aita_for_wanting_to_split_the_proceeds_of_my/ | 2019-08-18 07:42:24 | nah
if you broke up before you were married i would agree with you
since she has in fact married you i would then count it as a gift and it’s technically hers | nah. not clear on what the legality would be in your state, but that was a gift. while you’re not an asshole for wanting to split the cost if the ring is sold, she’s not an asshole for declining. i would happily split it but don’t think that it’s fair for that to be your expectation. good luck and best wishes. | nah. it's understandable that you want it back but you guys did get married. the courts will force a woman to return the engagement ring if she doesn't marry the guy but you guys got married and all so it's not like she scammed you out of it. don't buy such an expensive ring on your next marriage, heck don't get married again, see how troublesome divorce is? | yta-the ring is gets one she says i do. the ring is yours if she doesn't say those words. nothing wrong with wanting the money, but she doesn't owe you it, she met the "contact". | yta, engagement rings are a contract to get married, she fulfilled the contract by marrying you. it is legally hers. | yta, it’s a gift, that and the wedding ring are hers just like your wedding ring is yours. | yta- just let it go, it was a gift it's hers. i know it sucks but not worth the headache. | usually engagement rings are conditional gifts in the eyes of the law..but she did marry you so nah | yta, you gave her the ring, you have zero claim to it once you've given it to her. especially since you were then married, drop it and move on.
maybe get another job for those "start up costs of being single again." lol, wut? | yta. this whole mess is tacky as hell. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 0.436738 | BENIGN | 0.997696 |
my girlfriend and i broke up, she wanted to not me, because she didn't know how to deal with her brother leaving to go to the air force. we still very much cared for each other, but didn't know if we would get back together.
so i went out with friends to drink away my sorrows and be around people who care about me, i got drunk, i made a tinder. now i want to be very clear that i never met with anyone, didn't exchange pictures, and barely talked to anyone.
jump a few weeks into the future; me and the gf are back together, and things are going great. everything is back to normal. i haven't used tinder since a few days before we got back together, but i forgot to delete the app.
her friend sees me on tinder, calls gf, and tells her.
gf is now super pissed at me. aita? | aita for making a tinder after my girlfriend wanted a break/to break up? | 147 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/apv8db/aita_for_making_a_tinder_after_my_girlfriend/ | 2019-02-12 16:40:31 | nah - when i left my husband i created a match profile same day in a fit of rage. we got back together to try to reconcile fairly quickly and i deactivated the profile. i don't blame you for creating one. emotions make you do rash things. but i can see her side about being pissed. it could make it seem like you didn't care and just wanted to move on immediately. | nah : explain it to her, delete tinder, and she should get over it shortly. we’re all uncomfortable with the thought of our sos dating other people, but you did nothing wrong since y’all were on a break/broken up/**single**. if she refuses to drop it, than nta and she is, or you’re misrepresenting the story (like you both agreed to a break without seeing other people) then yta, but as it stands i see nah. | nah.
explain what happened and why. you're allowed to do whatever you want when you're broken up; she's likely mad because she thinks you were intending to (or did) cheat while you were with her. emphasize it happened during your break-up.
if she doesn't believe you, that's honestly her problem. | nah- i'd be suspicious if it turned out that someone i was in a committed, monogamous relationship with turned up on tinder. just delete the app and explain to your gf. | nta, this seems like a fair move, especially in a fit of trying to get over the breakup, fueled by some drinks and some supportive friends. i can see her point of view too, as i'm sure you can: you started trying to date like the same day she broke up with you. it makes it seem like the relationship meant nothing that you could "move on" so suddenly. but by your account that's not what happened, quite the opposite. you'll have to try to help her understand that. | nta, you broke up and then you tried to move on. a very reasonable thing to do. the fact that she just expected you to be miserable for those few weeks instead of getting out there is ridiculous. did she expect you to just never go on another date again? | nah
but you did fuck up by not uninstalling the app when you got back together. so go apologize. | nah.
she being upset is understandable.
but i believe you did nothing wrong, you guys had broke up. just forgot to delete it. | nta -
"we were on a break!" | nah
assuming you are being 100% transparent here, it's just a communication issue. just say:
"i made the profile when we were split up and i forgot about, mainly b/c i never used it". if you're telling the truth, your messages / matches should reflect this.
it's a little suspicious to have an *active* tinder when you're in a relationship and not tell your partner, so i can't fault her. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.995175 |
hi, all!
posting this to settle a very small and petty, playful disagreement between my husband and i.
i grew up playing word games with my grandmother, it's a really cherished memory. we mainly played upwords and scrabble.
when i got married last year, my mom gave my husband and i a beautiful, engraved scrabble board for he and i to play.
well, i played a few games with him, and realize i don't like playing with him. i enjoy scrabble the way i played it when i was a kid, with my nana - no "challenges", despite them being in the rules, none of those weird technically-a-word-but-not-one-that-people-use-in-conversation words like xi, qi, etc. i just think they take the fun out of playing, honestly. we just use words that we know and use frequently, so things like challenges aren't really needed.
well, my husband has taken to calling me a sore loser, because he wins frequently by challenging and using those weird short words. but i don't think i should have to play a game if i don't enjoy it! i'm not saying that playing by the book rules is bad, but it's not the way i grew up playing and i don't enjoy it.
for what it's worth, i stopped playing words with friends with him when we first started dating as well because he would kind of just put letters down and see what the game accepted as a word, which again, i think isn't very fun.
so, reddit, aita? or at the very least, am i a sore loser?
edit 1:
no scrabble tonight, he didn't want to play. so instead we played checkers and mancala.
with checkers, i wanted to check the rules to make sure i wasn't breaking any of those rules, but it didn't come with a rule sheet. i deferred to my husband's judgement.
mancala, we both knew different rules from what was printed, and decided to set our own based on what we know, because neither of us agreed with the printed ones.
long story short, my childhood was a lawless, ruleless wasteland that is now being rectified by my loving husband and our collection of board games. | aita for not wanting to play scrabble with my husband? | 54 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iu0au0/aita_for_not_wanting_to_play_scrabble_with_my/ | 2020-09-16 17:35:21 | nah. your husband wants to play the game the way it’s “meant” to be played by following the rules. and you want to play by your own house rules. neither of you are wrong, maybe just don’t play together anymore. | yta because the final straw seemed to be when i played "gi" you challenged it, lost the challenge and said i must have looked up a list of two letter scrabble words, even though i've told you multiple times i took karate as a kid and wore a gi. also yta because i thought i hated scrabble until we started playing, and i found that i really enjoyed it but after i started winning you stopped playing with me. btw you have a better vocabulary than me, you've used plenty of words that i've never heard of, and if you utilized 2 letter words and/or took advantage of the multiplier tiles when you could (instead of waiting until you have the perfect word to put there) then you would end up winning 90% of our games.
tldr; i love you, but yta. | nah. you have different gameplay styles. try some cooperative games. | esh. you don't have to play a game, obviously, but i think you should compromise here. your husband was never going to be your nana, and you're not a child anymore. qi is a word, and i've used it in conversation this week (it was about how bad *mulan* is). i don't really understand how those words "take the fun out of playing."
he needs to be willing to compromise too, and agree on some house rules with you. | nta and not a sore loser. games should be about fun, not winning. if someone is going to be a rules broker and use everything possible to game a win even if it ruins the fun for others, those others have every right to just not play the game.
i'd say just find a game you two both enjoy using the same ruleset | nta i see where you’re coming from. i actually also love scrabble and grew up playing with my granny. now if i play with my partner or his family they all use those silly two letter words they don’t even know the meaning of.
it irritates me to no end. maybe i still a new rule where the word has to be in your actual dictionary rather than just looking it up online? | i'd like to thank you for my new the handmaid's tale headcannon that serena joy hates those two letter words, and that's why fred wants to play scrabble with offred.
edit to add: nah. people like what they like, and you don't have to play together if it's not enjoyable for both of you. | yta and a sore loser. sorry but i love scrabble and discovering new words and challenging myself/others is the fun part. you dont have to play a game you dont enjoy, its unfair on others to impose your own rules though. | nah.
you like playing differently. | nah
i have this problem with my friend's husband. a large group of us used to get together frequently to play games together (and likely will once more, once everything in the world is done being the way it is). but with my friend's husband, i will only play games with him if it's a game i already know how to play. the reason is that he and i have very different ideas on how to teach someone new how to play.
when i'm playing with someone new, i take time to explain how to play and show them how for the first couple turns of a game. in addition, i tend to keep my own plays simple, at least until the person i'm playing with gets how to play. for me, it's kind of an anti-frustration technique: i don't want people to get mad and quit playing because they don't know what to do, so the extra time making sure they understand is worth it.
he, on the other hand, gives infodumps at the start of the game and plays normally afterwards. he'll correct people if they make illegal moves, but if they play sub-optimally he won't tell them they are. he also plays at the top of his game regardless of how new someone is to a game. in his mind, people learn how to play a game by seeing what is done against them during play and then incorporating those lessons into their play. he prefers this way because (according to him) the lessons learned through mistakes stick better than being told the answer.
i don't like his style of teaching people to play games because it's really demoralizing to get stomped into the ground by someone who has played the game for ages, and it makes me so frustrated that i'd rather just not play. he doesn't like my style of teaching because, in his words, "it's patronizing to be talked down to like a kid learning in school, and having to sit through a slow game being told the rules is boring."
neither one of us is wrong. we just each have different philosophies on how to play games. so because of that, we mutually agreed to only play games with each other if we both already know how to play.
i suspect the situation with your husband is something similar: neither of you are wrong, it's just two different (and incompatible) ways of playing. | 1 | 3 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 0.427442 | BENIGN | 0.996693 |
a friend of mine works in family planning. she's essentially a therapist for couples that are either trying to conceive, pregnant, adopting, fostering, new parents, etc. she recently asked me for my "birth story", conception all the way to 6 months after birth. she wanted to gather video stories for an online workshop she's hosting.
so i told her. it is literally the most bland story ever. we conceived on literally the first try, pregnancy was super uneventful and perfectly healthy, labor was fast, unmedicated and, again, uneventful. the only trouble we ran into was breastfeeding but that was fixed by exclusively pumping.
this was over zoom, and during certain parts my friend would make a face, or say "really?" in an uninterested way. afterward she told me she didn't think she would want to include it. i asked why. she said stories like mine don't really exist and doesn't help the "candid conversation" about family planning.
while i get that couples in family planning therapy might not be having the best time, i feel like having an "easy" story is beneficial. i told her i would've loved a story like mine when i was pregnant because i was terrified of what i had read on the internet/heard from family members. things like emergency c sections, being torn from top to literal bottom, stillbirth, all these worst fears and not a single simple experience.
she rolled her eyes and said "well, not everyone is a unicorn like you" and hung up. aita for suggesting including a plain, uneventful story? | aita for saying healthy, uneventful pregnancies need to be part of the conversation too? | 2,787 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hnt0cn/aita_for_saying_healthy_uneventful_pregnancies/ | 2020-07-09 00:25:28 | nah i wouldn’t say you’re an asshole for it, but i think she’s probably right.
she needs stories to spark conversations so that people are prepared for whatever might happen. no one needs preparation for an uneventful pregnancy.
people do need to know what to do when common events occur though.
it also can make people who are struggling feel bad to highlight someone who had everything easy.
if you are having a seminar on credit management you have stories about people who have struggled and overcome various common financial problems. having a couple tell their story of how they had an easy life and made good financial decisions isn’t going to useful. | i'm going to say nta. specifically for this:
> she said stories like mine don't really exist
and
> she rolled her eyes and said "well, not everyone is a unicorn like you"
a therapist should know better than to say things like that. it's reasonable that an uneventful story might not be useful for her project, but the way she reacted was out of line. | nta- i know during my first pregnancy people stood in line to tell me horrific stories of pregnancy, childbirth, and post-partum issues. i was freaking out the whole time. having a few easy pregnancy stories tossed in helped keep me grounded. | nah. your story, your experience, is valid. it’s refreshing and reassuring to hear about, and you should absolutely feel good about it, and share it with others when they ask.
but it’s also ok if the *purpose of this specific video compilation* is more about “sometimes things don’t go to plan, and here’s how other people managed that.” basically, it’s ok for her to create a “troubleshooting” section to her workshop, and it would make sense that a story like yours wouldn’t necessarily fit in with that particular section. not because the experience isn’t valid, or helpful, but because it would belong in a different section than the “troubleshooting” topic she’s aiming at with this. | nta, and quite honestly, i'm a bit surprised by the nah responses. while your friend wasn't wrong to not include the video, she was wrong to both dismiss your experience, and to insult you. she also should've been far more clear from the beginning that she was looking for "struggles" during pregnancy, instead of wasting your time. | nta. i am assuming that some couples may see her because of anxiety. maybe they had a bad outcome with a pregnancy previously, maybe they have anxiety in every day life and no experience with pregnancy. for these people, hearing a more “positive” story can ease fears. because it takes no effort to find the horror stories (seriously, google any symptom you’ve ever had). additionally, you struggled with breastfeeding, which is a huge stressor for a lot of women (you indicated she also deals with new parents). there are women with c sections who struggle with breastfeeding and assume its because of how they gave birth. your story shows that even a “textbook” pregnancy doesn’t make for a “textbook” breastfeeding/newborn experience. she can make more than one video, or clearly labeled sections with very little effort. she should be tailoring to her clients anyways. a woman’s story of a miscarriage would be valid for some patients but would provoke problems in others i’m sure. while on the surface your pregnancy and childbirth experience may seem less “interesting” that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have a place for some people. and either way, she could have been more tactful. expressing disinterest or telling you your story wasn’t good enough is unneeded. she could have been professional, thanked you for talking to her, and then excluded your story and if questioned later could have said they had an overwhelming response and unfortunately your story didn’t make the final cut for the video. | nta. your friend asked for your story then made faces and basically said it wasn't good enough? that's gross and extremely rude. i also agree with you that when all the stories are horror stories, it can have the opposite of the intended effect and just make everyone terrified of pregnancy. if she had wanted specifically to collect difficult birth stories, she should have asked if you had one before she asked for yours.
it's also completely absurd to tell you your story doesn't exist. like, what? | nah your friend is a therapist for family planning so chances are none of her clients are having an easy time and none will have a bland story as you put it. so makes sense why she wouldn’t want or be able to use your story. she was wrong when she said no one has uneventful stories, but she might have meant none of her clients do and it might be rubbing it in to show a video of a woman who had it so easy when they are there for help. | nta and this is coming from someone who has had three miscarriages with really horrible timing (traumatic enough that i'm not willing to try to get pregnant again. i'm saving for adoption fees)
your friend should have asked if you had the type of story she was looking for.
she is flat out wrong about your experience "not existing". both of my sisters had experiences like yours. however, she's probably looking for "rainbow baby" stories to give her clients hope. | nta. best to have all sides when talking about pregnancies. from the worst to the best. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.778599 | BENIGN | 0.975931 |
background on myself, i’m a 27 year old man who was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum at a young age. in my youth i was very socially low functioning, i could not maintain eye contact and did not understand a lot of the intricacies of social interaction like tone of voice or body language. as i grew, i became better at adapting to blend in by mimicking the non verbal cues of those around me, i’m now proficient at this to point where no one can really tell i’m autistic. while this mimicry has become 2nd nature, it’s still not a natural habit for me and require a lot of effort. i struggled a lot growing up, but coped with it using humor.
situation:
i was over at a friends the other weekend for a social distance hangout. i was with my friend d, his fiancé m, and a friend of hers who i’ll call p that i had never met. i was there a few minutes when i mentioned i bought a copy of rayman 2 for the n64. p misheard me and asked if i said “rainman 2” i laughed it off corrected him and then made a joke about “rainman 2 for the n64, autism the game, count toothpicks until you get the high score!”.
this prompted p to storm off. d and m followed him and i just kind of stood. d came out a few minutes later and told me that p was autistic and that it wasn’t okay to make that joke. d is aware of my history. so i responded with “you know i’m autistic right, i’m sorry it bothered him, but you as a non autistic person really shouldn’t be telling me not to joke about my own disability”. then d told me that p didn’t know i was autistic so it wasn’t okay for me to make that joke. to which i rebutted “well how was i supposed to know that he was autistic? it’s not like we all wear name tags”. i then said that i wanted to apologize to p and explain my own history and diagnosis to diffuse the situation. but d said that p had absolutely no interest in speaking to me further and asked me to leave.
i get that different people have different levels of tolerance when it comes to humor about their own situations. but as someone who has the disability i was joking about, i don’t think i should be judged as harshly for joking about my own disability and i think i deserved the chance to apologize and explain myself. i don’t even think the joke was particularly offensive, p was the one who brought up rainman as a game in the first place and i was just riffing off of something that he said.
i did feel really bad that it bothered him so much and genuinely wanted to apologize, but i think that everyone’s reaction was a over the top especially d who was very authoritative about what i should and should not say about my own disability. p didn’t throw off any indicators that he was on the spectrum, so i really feel like it was just a big misunderstanding. i haven’t spoken to d since and am a little miffed about being asked to leave since i drove a couple hours to see him for the first time in months and hadn’t even been there 15 minutes. | aita for making an autism joke when i myself have been diagnosed as on the autism spectrum ? | 91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/icp9in/aita_for_making_an_autism_joke_when_i_myself_have/ | 2020-08-19 15:00:33 | nah. neither of you were aware the other was on the spectrum. i know some people are quite sensitive over it and i don't blame them. but if you are in a certain marginalized group, it's usually acceptable to joke about your own experience. as someone with asperger's i like to joke about it too. i think your friend that lectured you is kind of an ah though. | nta, especially the part where you tried to apologise but they shut you down.
how you cope with your disability isn’t wrong, but i understand p’s sensibility. clearly you did too, but he should have heard what you had to say.
however in the future i wouldn’t recommend using that kind of humour with people you don’t know well, to avoid this kind of situation. | nta. your friend is a power-tripper for trying to force control on how you deal with your own mental status. if p cannot handle other autistic people making any jokes, then p cannot survive the world. | nah except maybe d, who could have taken 2 seconds to tell p that you are making those jokes because you are also autistic. | nah. i’m deaf in one ear and i’m unforgiving with the helen keller jokes - it is what it is, it’s my affliction so i get to pick how i manage it. if people don’t know i’m half deaf i get looks, but i think that’s their problem, not mine 🤷🏼♀️ | nta to me. even if you did say rainman initially how did he know you weren't referring to yourself? people take offense at anything now a days. | nta
if p gets offended and then refuses to hear you out, you don't owe anything to him, as he won't give you the chance to make it right. if such an innocent joke is enough to bother him, he should seriously consider introducing himself and specifing he's autistic to avoid this situation in the future. d is also ta because he's ignoring the fact that you're autistic too and choosing to make you out as the bad guy even though you did nothing wrong. | i'm autistic, too. you are not the asshole, nor is the other autistic person. it was a simple misunderstanding, and based on what the offended person naturally but wrongly assumed, i don't blame them for not wanting to hear you out anymore than i blame you for joking about yourself.
but the person who lectured you for joking about your own condition, on the other hand, *is* a bit of an asshole. it's none of their damn business. you wouldn't step in to a similar dispute between two people of a different minority that you don't belong to, and for good reason! | nah. you can definitely joke about it since you’re on the spectrum, but some people take jokes differently. you don’t know her situation either, maybe she’s just more sensitive to those type of jokes. | nta, i get it. i constantly joke about my own depression and anxiety, cause it makes me feel better. if i someone asks me to stop, i stop.
you didn't know they are autistic, and you offered to apologise. your friends should've told p that you are autistic as well, and that you are trying to apologise. they shouldn't have attacked you for it, or ask you to leave. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0.747358 | BENIGN | 0.992851 |
i moved to a new city a few years ago and join a single women's club in our area. the purpose of the club was to help single women, especially those who had just moved here to have a support network and have somebody to socialise with etc.
there are only a few rules but the key one is that you have to be single and then 2nd one is no man hating or complaining about men. this is a club for women who enjoy being single but want to take advantage of things like family discounts etc and do things as a group- for example, where i live, you can get discounts on trains if you have a partner. a lot of places around here also have discounts on events for groups of 4+.
women who make friends but then get into a relationship are obviously welcome to hang out with the women they meet in this club but can no longer attend official club activities which we plan on meetup.
recently we've been doing virtual events like movie nights, board games etc and the same rules apply. when the old leader stepped down because she moved to a new city for work, i was elected as the new "vice president".
one woman who joined around 6 months ago got into serious relationship and it moved very fast, she's already living with him.
however she kept rsvping to events and especially spots with limited places (escape rooms etc) and we told her politely that she couldn't attend as she was in a relationship.
most recently, we have been doing grocery runs for each other if you are working in medical or retail during this situation or are unwell.
she wanted to get in on that because her boyfriend did not want to do the groceries and she was stressed out. we again, told her we couldn't help her, that she needed to sort things out with her boyfriend or ask some of the friends she made to help her out but she couldn't be part of this.
she finally got a bit nasty and said that we were just bitter old ladies and it was no wonder we were single. she also said that this club was made to punish women for being in a relationship. we ended up banning her and we've told members she can not attend things like informal after event drinks etc.
some women in our club are saying to give her another chance, she's just really stressed out and there's relationship strain. other folks (because she was nasty in the discussion section of meetup and our fb group) are saying good riddance.
aita for not being more flexible with this woman? | aita for kicking a woman out of the single ladies club for no longer being single? | 197 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gh0l37/aita_for_kicking_a_woman_out_of_the_single_ladies/ | 2020-05-10 12:24:47 | nah, but for people who enjoy the social aspect of your club and make friends i think this policy will have the consequence of keeping some people single. i'm not sure that is really what your group is going for and think its an unintended impact. | i’m reading the comments and so far, it looks like a classic case of 14 y/o redditors commenting on situations they know nothing about.
op, you’re nta. i’ve led a few clubs and organizations in my life and i’ve learned something about rules. if the vast majority of (former) club members understand and follow the rules, but 1 or 2 people just can’t seem to get it right, maybe the problem isn’t with the rules....
your club clearly states at the outset exactly what it’s function is. when you are in a relationship, you are no longer an official member of the club. you can still hang out with the individuals you met through the club, but you can’t do official club activities.
i hate to use this analogy because it’s reductive, but in some ways it is applicable: it’s like joining a club in high school. it serves a purpose in one phase of your life, but at some point you graduate and move on. no one says you can’t talk to your friends from the club. no one says you have to stop playing chess, or soccer, or acting in plays. the only rule is that you can’t participate in club-sanctioned activities. | nta
the only reason your nta is because it’s the clubs rule that you can’t be a member after you get into a relationship and she knew thins when she joined.
that being said i think it’s kind of mean that you can just turn your back on a friend you made and not allow her to hang out. because let’s face it your a group of friends now.
she’s in the wrong too for her nasty reaction. | nta - the reasoning is in the title of the club. you were polite and gave her enough chances to stop trying to get involved in the club, so you were well within your right to be blunt.
you also gave her the opportunity to socialise outside of the club so it wasn’t that you were trying to punish her for anything.
she needs to learn the concept of social interaction and not be bitter because she cannot stick to the rules of the club. | nta
i’m not allowed to join a sorority as a guy, because their rules are what they are. maybe i would if i identified differently, but that’s another issue. but we see my point. if a group is going to exist and have qualifiers for membership, then she’s not meeting those and is out. no longer invited. | nta
check one:
____single lady. welcome to the club!
____in a relationship. congratulations, lets stay friends!
done. | nta- this group has certain criteria for membership. she no longer meets that criteria. as op has pointed out, there are no rules for her maintaining relationships outside the group and this sounds like it happens frequently. and if she has a boyfriend they should absolutely not take a grocery spot from some one who is on their own and likely needs assistance more than a couple who can trade off duties | nah i’m gonna say no assholes here because your rules were known to her in the beginning, however with that being said forming relationships with people and then being told you are no longer welcome is hard and a lot of people will struggle with that because they personally won’t be able to understand why them being in a relationship has an impact on the friendships they make. i could never join a group like that because the inevitable loss of friendships and alienation would be too hard for me. | nta i don’t understand why people are so thick. she can hang out with the girls outside of the events; they’re not icing her out. she just can’t go to events that are for members and have limited spots. i don’t understand why this girl can’t call her friends and hangout. for people who still don’t understand imagine if someone was in a sorority and they decided to not pay their dues and would become inactive. because they are now inactive they can’t come to official events but they can still hang out with their sisters outside of official meetings. | nta. she's welcome to contact her friends she made through the club and see if they can make up for the fact she has a shitty bf. that's not your problem. the club is there to provide support for other single women in situations where they don't have the ready access of a partner or are not able to maintain and be involved in couple oriented societal events or struggle to create social events with partnered friends because they are lower down the totem pole for societal events. and you have limited spaces. she doesn't fit the criteria and she's an adult. her relationship problems are hers to solve. why should someone who is single misd out because her bf is crap? | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.997873 |
my (24f) boyfriend (24m) and i are looking into getting a house together. we’ve been together for about 3.5 years. we both have stable jobs and make decent/equal pay. i am and always have been a saver. any money i got for christmas/birthdays would go directly into my savings since i was 6/7 years old. i first saved up to buy a car, and now that i have one for a house.
my bf is more of a spender than a saver. he has been saving more currently knowing that we want to buy a house, but hasn’t been since he was young like i have. as a result i have quite a bit more money saved up than he does. he’s mentioned multiple times that we should each put an equal amount down for the house. today was the first time i mentioned that i would like to put more down that what he has. the whole reason i’ve been saving money is to buy a house. whether i buy a house with or solo, i’d be putting the same planning of money down either way. the way i see it, more money up front equals smaller payments/less money down the road.
it doesn’t bother me that i would be putting more money down, again it’s why i’ve been saving all along, but it really bothered him. he started going off about how that’s not fair, everything should be equal, and that the house would be more mine than his if i did that. i told him that’s not how i see it. to me it makes sense for both of us in the long run. he got really upset about it and told me that when it’s time to buy a house we have to put equal amounts down end of story (paraphrased).
while i understand he’s upset about this, to me it just makes more sense to put the money down up front. it’s not something i would ever hold against him nor would it make me feel more entitled to the house. i just think it’s beneficial for the both of us in the long run. so, aita for wanting to use my money how i’ve been planning on it? | aita for wanting to put down as much money as i can as a down payment for a house | 124 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lbg242/aita_for_wanting_to_put_down_as_much_money_as_i/ | 2021-02-03 04:59:48 | nah. but there’s no one being very smart here either. you are planning to make a huge joint financial investment with someone who has a very different approach to spending & saving than you do. that should make you stop & talk this through with your boyfriend & come to an agreement before you even look at houses. there’s no right or wrong, one size fits all, answer to how big your down payment should be. the important thing is that both of you should agree on how much to put down & who pays it. maybe the 2 of you should talk this through with a financial planner.
you should also have a lawyer write a contract that spells out the terms of ownership, who owns what percentage, for example, & what happens when one or both of you decide to sell the property, especially if you disagree about selling. you can include things about who pays for improvements, especially if 1 person wants that improvement & the other doesn’t, & how that cost is returned to the person who paid it when the house is sold. | do not buy a house with your boyfriend. it's a bad idea for many reasons. buy a house on your own. you pay the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and upkeep. he pays you market rent. that's the fair way to do it, and it will protect your investment. nta | nta, but don’t buy a house together until he puts a ring on it. also rethink a relationship with a guy who gets his knickers in a twist because you have more money than he does. plus, his lack of savings savvy may affect your retirement planning. he’s not mature enough to be a good partner. | nta, but question: are y’all planning on getting married? what does your future look like? those are very different money habits, and finances are one of the biggest causes for fights and break ups/divorces. you had significantly more... would it be possible to buy the house in your name? or is the issue that he wants to feel like the house is equally both of yours, and that’s why he wants to put equal amounts down? | nta as one wants as large a down payment as you can comfortably afford (especially to avoid mortgage insurance). but uh... red flag on the field here with how he's trying to control your finances. i'm not saying break up with him, but you should consider letting him know that your money is not his to control and if he keeps having a tantrum about this, think twice about buying a house with him. | nta and if you have enough one way or another to put at least 20% down you can avoid mortgage insurance too. fair =/= everything being equal. maybe he contributes more in other ways later, like paying a bigger part of the mortgage payment or something.
but it does sound like you and your bf need to get on the same page financially before you buy a house together. | nta for wanting to use it for how you planned, but y’all need to have a serious talk about finances and why he’s not comfortable with it being unequal. | your bf is right. if you put more in the down payment and y'all have to sell the house later you'd get more because you're more of an owner than he is. if you still choose to move forward with this big decision make sure to document how much of the down payment was yours. without a "ring on it" you're on rocky ground buying a home.
nta for wanting to put more down on buying a home, but please be careful because this could come back to bite you in the butt if y'all break up. | nta but don’t buy a house together till you married, it’s really a disaster to fix that and you will loose in the separation of assets if he contributes in any way or is on the deed | nah. personally i wouldn't care if my partner wanted to put more in but if it bothers him that much why not put down the same as him then keep the money in savings in case of emergency or use the money on any possible home repairs or upgrades. and you can always put the money you have saved up into it later. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0.83088 | BENIGN | 0.996861 |
my parents' romantic choices have left me in the position where i have a deadbeat dad (apparently only a deadbeat to me because he's just the best dad to his new kids ) and a mom who also got remarried and had more kids. i am happy for her, because she wanted to have many kids and to be able to raise her kids with a husband (my stepdad)
my mom and i were really close until someone in my stepdad's family did some unforgivable things (nothing illegal but still unforgivable) and she didn't cut off my stepdad or his entire family in order to protect me. things have been frosty since. yes i am aware that my stepdad isn't "responsible" but he did in fact bring his family around us on holidays.
i had a conversation with my mom and stepdad that i respect them as the parents of my half-siblings but that their actions proved that i wasn't clearly their priority at all. they tried to talk to me about it, but i have a pretty low tolerance for bullshit and i was just done.
my mom has been trying i guess and i am trying to be open minded with her and be closer i guess.
this olive branch has not been extended to my stepdad because quite honestly we owe each other nothing.
so basically i had this accomplishment and my stepdad was there when i found out. he seemed happy and tried to hug me, but i dodged the hug and told him he doesn't need to do all of this because my mom won't leave him even if he's a dick to me.
he has been spending a lot of time on the back porch now, which is where he goes when he's upset
i am wondering if i am an asshole and was too dramatic for no reason | aita for telling my stepdad not to hug me and that there is no need to act happy? | 81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tjnpd2/aita_for_telling_my_stepdad_not_to_hug_me_and/ | 2022-03-21 22:22:15 | nah. your anger is understandable, but your expectations seem unreasonable. one member of your stepdad's family did something wrong, and you expect him to cut off contact with his entire family? of course he's upset. and yes, it's a reach to say you're not a priority because he wouldn't do that. apologies for going out on a limb here, but i'm going to guess you're in your mid teens. what you're describing would be a very typical thought process at that age. please consider the possibility that he's out on the back porch because he cares deeply about you and he's upset that he seems to be in a no-win situation. of course, also don't take any crap from the racist relative, and your folks should minimize contact with that person. | yta
>because my mom won't leave him even if he's a dick to me
in what way has he been a dick to you. he hasn't personally done anything to you has he. you're blaming him for shitty actions of his family. in another comment it seems like he has removed that person from involvement.
your stepdad was probably happy for your achievement, not just acting. | yta
you expect your mum to cut off the man she loves and his entire family because one person in that family is racist.
you're going to live a pretty lonely life if thats you're stance because you'll find most families have at least one embarrassing/inappropriate/racist family member... even your own. | yta, so a relative of your stepdad said something racist to you and fetishized you. your stepdad did not agreed with this and cut off this one person. that's not enough for you, you want him to cut off all his family because you're afraid there might be several family members who have the same ideas. but you don't know for sure. ideally you want your mother to get a divorce and your half-siblings to grow up without a father. hopefully you understand that this is not reasonable to ask?
you seem very young, how old are you? your stepdad is clearly doing his best and clearly cares about you. | he was trying to be nice and celebrate with you.yta because you think everyone should be cut off for one persons actions and you even said the family had cut that person off. might want to deal with that anger before it eats you up. | so someone made a racist comment in your stepdads family and you think your mum should leave or divorce him or something? that’s just crazy. he’s not responsible for what other idiots say
yta | yta. your stepfather is not responsible for the actions of his relative. to think your mom should cut off your stepdad and the rest of his family is ridiculous. you sound very immature. | you need to provide context or people can't judge this properly. since you haven't done that yet all you do is look like a asshole from my perspective.
especially punishing one person for another person's sins.
yta until you provide some context. | yta you want her to cut the entire family off for something one fucking person did, you’re out of your fucking mind | yta
there was definitely a way nicer way you could have explained your upset to your stepdad and you did not do that at all.
“listen, i appreciate your happy for my accomplishment but i don’t want to hug you as i’m not comfortable with where you and i are at” also works perfectly fine.
now go and apologise to him | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 0.778225 | BENIGN | 0.993075 |
one of my best friends from high school, will refer to as c, was supposed to get married in atlanta in may of 2020. of course, due to the pandemic she had to move the date. last spring, she moved it to november 2020, the weekend before thanksgiving. i had thought that having it then was a bit optimistic and just cancelled my flight altogether. i really did not want to be in the atlanta airport during the holidays in a pandemic either. turns out, that was the case and it was no safer to travel in late november than it was in may. c cancelled the wedding and she and her now husband got married in a private ceremony on the scheduled date in november with just themselves and the minister.
many months passed. in the meantime, c and her husband bought a house in georgia and sent us all in the bridal party photos of the new place. they never mentioned a do-over wedding or celebration of any kind between november of 2020 and june 2021.
yesterday at 9:30pm, c messages all the bridesmaids and asked for our addresses where she could send the new wedding invitations. we asked what the details were and she responded that the wedding would be the saturday after thanksgiving and the rehearsal dinner would be on black friday. she apologized that it was the holiday weekend, but she couldn’t get the venue on any other dates. i truly think that any venue would be available on those dates, considering the holiday.
i have several issues with this. mostly that it is a holiday weekend and i would really prefer to be with my family or my partner’s family. second, that we were only given 4 months notice. from what i understand, wedding invitations typically go out between 8 months to a year prior to the ceremony, especially since the wedding takes place around a holiday. third, that they are asking everyone in the wedding and reception to travel to the atlanta airport, the largest airport in the country, on the biggest travel weekend of the year. c’s family and most of her friends (including myself and another bridesmaid) attending are from western pennsylvania and her husband’s family is from west virginia, areas in the united states that are very close in proximity to each other. she is insisting that the wedding still happen in atlanta where she and her husband live.
i am just very unsure about this wedding. c is a very reactionary person and tends to get upset when you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear. we are also not as close as we once were as teenagers and she doesn’t have many female friends. i had told her in 2019 that i would be her maid of honor and would feel awful if i backed out now and would feel worse if i lost her as a friend.
would i be an asshole if i told her i would prefer not to attend her wedding? i know it sounds really selfish.
tldr: old friend short-notice rescheduled a destination wedding in which i am the maid of honor to thanksgiving weekend and would prefer to have a holiday weekend with family. | wibta if i backed out of attending a wedding where i'm the maid of honor? | 113 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o5u8kl/wibta_if_i_backed_out_of_attending_a_wedding/ | 2021-06-22 18:48:58 | nah but since the day was unclear until now don't go into too may details.
just say "i am so glad you guys have been able to come up with a plan after so much setback. unfortunately, with that being holiday weekend, i am already committed elsewhere. i will be with you in spirit. congratulations!" | nah. she’s not an ah for having her wedding when she can, you aren’t an ah for being unable to attend.
ps wedding etiquette says invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks prior to the date of the ceremony, so she’s fine for that. | it's an inconvenient weekend for sure, but rescheduling weddings post-covid is also extremely difficult.
honestly, if you don't want to go, don't go -- but you've bent over backwards trying to come up with reasons why it's inconvenient -- and frankly all of them sound very typical of a wedding. most people understand that a wedding is a personal and financial commitment for attendees, and for that reason, it's understandable when people don't come for xyz reason.
all of that said, given that you were in the wedding party -- and your reasoning boils down to "i don't really want to do this" -- it would probably strain your relationship with the bride. but it sounds like you might be ok with that. anyway, nah - you're just going to have to make a decision on whether this is a priority or not. | nah. wedding invitation etiquette is 6 or 8 weeks i believe. she can have her wedding as she wishes and you can say no to it. | nah - you're free to not attend a wedding for whatever reasons you want. your reasons are a little flimsy but you do you. 4 months is not "short notice", & where her family lives and would be traveling from doesn't affect you in the slightest.
she's also nta, wedding planning is tough in general especially with all the changes people have had to make, so she's free to plan her wedding when and wherever she & her husband want. you're getting defensive over her being "reactionary" when you haven't even spoken to her yet. | nah but don't make such a big production out of the situation. tell her you're sorry, but the dates don't work for you, and you wish her well. leave out the part about giving you enough notice. you're getting 5 months notice; that's plenty of time, and notice isn't the issue. the date and the holiday are the issue. but don't go into that. stick to the dates not working for you. | you agreed to that same-ish weekend for 2020 and didn't bring up the timing in 2020. so, it's a tough leg to stand on. so yta
be honest with her. while she may not like the news, hopefully she can find someone to fill in if you give her enough time. | nah lots of people have had to reschedule their weddings. it's obvious you don't want to go so just tell her you already had holiday weekend plans | nah.
holiday weekends are absolutely terrible timing for weddings. my mom tried to get me to choose memorial day 2017 “so that people would have time to travel to the wedding”. no, mom. people want to go out of town. i chose early june.
that said, i can only imagine how difficult it is to get a venue with all the backlog of 2020 weddings that were postponed. you take the best available date and make it work. i’m sure the bride is aware that people won’t come. you don’t need to be the one to tell her. just apologize that you won’t be there and wish her well.
as for atlanta vs pa, planning a wedding is a ton of work on the part of the bride. it’s much more convenient to be local to your venue because of how often you have to meet with vendors. and if it’s a church ceremony then perhaps it’s the church she and her husband go to regularly. i can see her perspective. i chose to get married where my husband and i live in the midwest even though i’m also from western pa. my husband has lived here his whole live, so it’s close to his family and all our friends. as for your friend, who knows what her reasons were. hopefully she’ll still have a cookie table. i had one at mine. | n t a. you did make a promise…to be the maid of honor at a wedding that was supposed to take place over a year ago. now, circumstances have changed and you are unable to continue your promise. it’s totally understandable that you would want to spend the holiday weekend — one of your few chances off work — with your family instead of at a wedding in a covid-infested area. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 0.71942 | BENIGN | 0.999394 |
my granddaughter recommended i join this website and ask for opinions.
i'm retired and live on my own. my granddaughter moved from across the country before coronavirus began, and when it started, she moved in with me to keep me company. she has a dog and a cat that have moved with her. she pays me $100 a week for board & lodgings.
since july, she's been going to study four days a week, 9-3, and since september, one day of study, 9-1, and four days of work practical, 8.30-5.30.
i make her smoothies in the morning every day, but when she's at home on the weekends, she always conveniently forgets to wash out the blender. and when she has a plate of hers to wash, she never does any of the other dishes in the sink. i cook most nights and she does the dishes afterwards, but i've told her that she is to start cooking on mondays too, since she finishes study at 1pm.
i do all the cleaning, except every second saturday, she mops the whole house. she is to keep her two rooms clean and vacuum the floors and keep the windows open for fresh air. i do all the washing and maintenance around the house. she is to fold up her own clothes and put them away. her dog and cat are her responsibility, she has to feed them, wash them, and clean up their poop.
but when she gets home, she immediately leaves the house to avoid helping me with cooking or folding clothes and goes for a ride with her dog. after she returns, she just eats dinner, does the dishes, and goes on her computer for the rest of the night! and on the weekends, she's always in the spare room on her computer playing games or out on her scooter with her dog.
she never says goodnight and i find her already asleep when i check in on her. she always says she's tired from practical or doing her assessments, and then she drives an hour to the city to hang out with friends or get a haircut.
she never wants to help out and it's already a hassle to get her to cook one meal a week. i started telling her to do her own washing loads, and she says she doesn't have the time or energy to do it. and when i asked her to start gardening as well, she flat out refused and said i should do it because i'm home all the time.
am i the a\*\*hole? | aita for asking my granddaughter to help out more around the house? | 955 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jp2qrm/aita_for_asking_my_granddaughter_to_help_out_more/ | 2020-11-06 10:21:11 | hello, ouma!!! was wondering how long it'd take for you to appear on here.
hey, i'm the granddaughter! 22, i'm studying childcare full-time, 40 hours a week, which i don't get paid for. i have a total of 28 assessments in 4 months. i leave the house at 8 and don't get back till 6, (except mondays, 8.30-2 i'm out) then i take my dog for a ride around town, come back for dinner, and do the dishes. i shower, i go on my computer, and i'm in bed by around 9-10. i'm asleep by 11pm at the latest. i wake up at 7.
worth noting, i live an hour away from the city, where all my friends and family are. being on the computer is my only way to contact them during weekdays.
also worth noting; i'm on government payments, which isn't a lot. i pay for all my schooling fees, pet food, phone bills, petrol, rego, everything. so you asking her to charge me more means i won't be able to feed my pets and pay for my tuition at the same time.
as for the washing; she's referring to me hanging up/bringing in the laundry. not folding or anything. on fridays, i put my laundry in the machine, get it started, and leave for work. i wash, hang out, and fold my own sheets & all the towels & cloths in the house once a month on saturday.
i bought a roomba (cheaper brand, deebot) for her as a gift to help with cleaning. it runs three times a week and i empty it out each time. we alternate mopping each weekend.
the whole dishes thing? she wants me to clean *all* the dishes throughout the day, including her tea cups and lunch plates. she doesn't make any lunch for me, just herself, but wants me to clean her dishes as well. do not like thnx
she makes me a smoothie in the morning for both of us, which i'm grateful for! they taste amazing!! she gets annoyed at me that, on the weekends, i haven't washed out the blender bottle. i always rinse the cup or bottle i use, depending on if i take it to work with me or not. that one i can improve upon, but i feel like i'm doing a lot of the dishes, but i dunno, shrug!
she only makes 4 meals a week, by the way; sundays i'm in the city having dinner with friends or my dad, and saturday we have take-away, which i buy, or she tells me to make my own food. and, in addition, if we cook too much, there's leftovers for tomorrow night. so make it more like 3/4 times a week. i cook on mondays.
we eat at 6:30, leaving me with 30 minutes to cook when i get home and no time to walk my dog. i don't like the sound of that.
after dinner, dishes, shower, all that, i'm generally on my computer from 7:30-9/10 and then i go to sleep. she calls me lazy for being on my computer, even though i go for half an hour rides with my dog every day, and an hour on weekends.
she's also started imposing a 'cut-off' time limit on my computer usage on friday and saturday nights, which i stay up till midnight since i don't got work/study the following day. she wants me off at 10pm and in bed. i'm an adult, thank you. she makes it out as if i'm 16.
i'm fuckin' 22.
let's simplify things...
**tasks i do around the house:**
* cook once a week
* pay for take-away, when we get it
* buy the newspaper every week for her
* take out the trash
* take out the bins
* wash & fold my own bedsheets every month
* wash & fold all the towels + cloths every month
* feed my dog & cat
* clean up after my dog & cat
* brush my dog & cat
* walk my dog daily
* dishes every night
* clean the kitchen every night
* mop the house every second week
* vacuum two rooms in the house, the ones i use most, every month
* shake out the rugs every weekend
* open and close all the windows in the morning/evening every day
* plus i pay $100 a week
...on top of 40 hours a week of lectures + work prac. in childcare. you ever worked in a childcare before? it's very hectic and draining. i got thrown up on two times today. plus i have assessments to do in my spare time. 28 assessments. in 4 months. which i have to complete *outside* of study & work time.
what ouma is asking from me is to do my washing on saturday, which means an extra load of washing, cause we put our washing together in the same load usually. she's not doing my washing; she's transferring my washing from the machine, to the line, to a basket, and putting it on my bed. no folding, no ironing, nothing. i hang it all up myself later that night before i go to bed.
and she wants me to garden as well. she's talking about weeding and whatnot. it's her own house. i'm paying rent.
also, it's bullshit that i don't help out or anything; literally today i brought both of our washing in after i came back from my walk with my dog and folded it. if i'm out, she'll get me to purchase food for her if she forgot anything. just the other day, she saw a special in an aldi's catalogue and said she doesn't like aldi's but wants me to get the mangoes for her.
sorry if this sounds entitled, but if i'm working/studying 40 hours a week, which i don't get paid for, in addition to assessments and taking care of my dog and cat, plus i'm *paying 40 percent of my income* to her? i don't think asking her to cook 3-4 times, hang out and bring in one load of washing a week, and ask her to look after the garden of her own property is too much to ask for.
she's retired, doesn't work, and is in good health.
during the pandemic and shit, i kept insisting on her staying home and letting me do the shopping, but she didn't wanna and called me lazy for not wanting to go out.
listen, i adore my ouma, you're a sweetheart, love you to pieces, but it's so *frustrating* that you can't see all the work and effort i'm doing. i get home after 9 hours of working with infants and children and i just want to lie down and talk to friends and sleep. i still have assessments to write and complete as well! it's like, no matter what i do, there's always something to nitpick.
btw, you're welcome to call me an asshole guys! no hate, i just would like to clarify some things a bit - it's interesting to see all the different sides.
ask any questions you'd like! c:
**edit 1:** nah, i don't think my ouma is ta, she's lovely and doesn't mean to be rude, but she has a lot of opinions and says things that make me upset. i just bite my tongue.
and to everyone responding, telling me to grow up and that i would have to do that all on my own anyways, i get where you are coming from! i've lived on my own before for years. i've lived in share houses too. all those times, i did all of my responsibilities. my main issue is that she wants me to take up all the chores instead of splitting it even though i'm at prac or study a lot.
consider, if you worked the same as me in addition to assessments at home (without pay, by the way, you're on government funding, so it's not quite the same as working; i have less reward) and came home to your partner, who doesn't work, saying you should do your washing and garden as well. i'm a little distressed by the idea.
although not an exact comparison, it's in a similar strand.
if i have around 50 hours a week of spare time, and she has essentially all of her time free, aside from cards with siblings and dance classes, i feel as though sharing some responsibilities is reasonable?
feel free to correct me and tell me your opinions.
.....in other news, she asked google to play some music and it's playing wap and she started yelling at it to stop. lmfaoooo
**edit 2:** after a small argument which involved me getting frustrated at her rudeness (calling my piercings *'disgusting'* at a restaurant to a family friend, constantly telling me to grow my hair out because i look too *'boyish'*, patronising me when i said i didn't like her saying such things, changing channel on the tv when i was watching something and saying *'i don't watch that kind of stuff'* when i asked her to change it back, opinions i just *really* didn't care about) i said i was moving to the city. took two trips, but i managed it in a day.
i'm now currently living with my dad(who i lost contact with for the past 9-ish years and am reconnecting with now), finished my course a week early, been visiting friends every other day, and feel a whole lot more *comfortable* with myself and where i am. i've got a part-time job and feel like i'm being treated like an adult, not a baby.
i do all my own dishes, washing, cleaning, etc. because my dad works most days. we go riding (him on a bike, me on my footbike) with my dog to the dog park. i've been able to resume my writing, which i completely dropped during study due to tiredness/stress. i occasionally text my ouma and she and i last met at my aunt's.
overall, a good ending. thanks to anyone still sticking around! i loved hearing the different sides. | yta. for every person who disagrees, please read op’s responses to these comments.
she does not sound lazy. she sounds busy and overworked and is doing everything you agreed to. she doesn’t have to wish you goodnight. it’s ok for her to talk to her friends and play games when she’s not doing homework. your garden is not her responsibility. she pays rent. you cook and she cleans the dishes. she has a very strenuous job and you have no job.
she leaves a smoothie cup in the sink and you get mad. you leave a plate in the sink and you expect her to clean it for you? she cleans the plates she uses and the rooms she lives in. she vacuums and mops the whole house on the weekends. i do not understand how two neat people seem to generate enough mess that you do “all the cleaning” but she’s “lazy” for the amount she does, which seems like a lot. tell her to do her own laundry, and then stop doing her laundry. if the situation isn’t working for you, tell her to move out.
>after she returns, she just eats dinner, does the dishes, and goes on her computer for the rest of the night! and on the weekends, she's always in the spare room on her computer playing games or out on her scooter with her dog.
so what? this is normal and appropriate but your tone suggests that you want her doing something else? what do you want?
i can’t see that she’s done anything wrong here. she works hard and is tired but still does her fair share. i’m saying yta because you have a lot of unfair expectations of her to clean your house more than you do and socialize more than she feels like that seem to be poorly communicated. you say she is lazy but i see no evidence of laziness. you say she is quiet and polite and keeps her spaces clean, but that's not enough? you seem to want her to do all of the cleaning and cooking and maintenance for your house when you are retired? what do you do all day that's more valid than what she does?
honestly, you sound really controlling and bitter and want to monopolize her time. you are dismissive of her challenging coursework.
> it's rather hilarious you mention that, because she's studying childcare. it's not that hard to take care of children. yet she claims that she has so many assessments to do. ridiculous. she's just overexaggerating.
> she claims she's always busy with her assessments or is too tired, but then i find her sitting around playing games and talking to friends on the weekends. she goes to bed way too early and then wonders why she's tired all the time, oversleeping.
she sounds overworked and exhausted and you sound exhausting. yta. | i'm surprised that more people here don't agree with me that yta.
your granddaughter is in school, her time is being spent investing in her future. plus, her clinicals are doubtlessly physically and mentally demanding. i don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to unwind after her day by playing video games or spending some time by herself, it can be draining to be around people at school and work all day especially during the pandemic. and i don't think its weird that a student would want to use some of her rare freetime to hang out with her friends? you expect her to get a job on the weekends and deep clean more often too? when is she expected to take breaks?
if you expect her to put all of this emotional labor into being your playmate and maid, then its bonkers for you to be accepting her rent money. either she's your roommate/tenant or she's working on your garden for you. you are retired and would be doing all of the housework if she were to move out, and for heaven's sake she's your granddaughter. cut her some slack, it sounds to me like she's working hard. she washes the dishes every night that you cook despite probably preferring to eat less time consuming meals while she's in school, she makes meals when she can spare the time, deep cleans parts of the house on a schedule... it sounds like she's respecting your space and setting boundaries that are totally normal for someone who is paying to live in their space. you're the problem for expecting more in my opinion. that's your garden, if you don't want to tend it anymore than don't but thats not her responsibility. and she's already doing a ton of dishes, so why should she be doing your lunch dishes? don't you see how its hypocritical of you to complain that she doesn't rinse the blender on weekends but you expect her to do the dishes you can't be bothered with?
i'm not totally surprised that she's not keen to hang out with you, you don't seem to appreciate the contributions she makes to the household in the slightest. being on the computer for a few hours after working her ass off in school and clinicals all day seems totally normal to me, idk. she herself is telling you that her schedule makes her tired, i don't really think it's fair to make that all about you.
i think that the only concession i'll give you is her dishes negligence on the weekends. its annoying when the people you live with leave a mess in the sink. but idk even that seems like a small thing if its just the blender and a glass? just set it aside or ask her politely if she can quick clean it so you can use it. this whole post reeks of resentment because your granddaughter is living her life instead of kissing your butt for letting her live with you, while she pays rent already. if you don't want to clean up after her then don't and if you don't like her living there than ask her to find alternative arrangements. i just don't think she's doing too much wrong. | yta you sound like a nightmare to live with. she’s an adult. she is doing more than enough and paying you the rent you asked, you do not get to control her free time. | info: would you rather she not live there? | yta before and after i read your granddaughters comment. stop acting like an entitled boomer | yta. it sound like she is doing her fair share to be quite honest.
\- she mops the whole house once a month
\- cooks once a week
\- keeps her two rooms clean
\- does the dishes after dinner | after reading your comments, it appears you are being bitter because you don’t like her mother and want to nitpick the way she was raised.
sure, ask her to do her own laundry or just stop doing it for her - that is your right. hell, you don’t even have to cook for her.
but if she is cleaning up after herself, and paying the agreed upon rate, she is not obligated to clean up after you or do your gardening. | yta.
this is your granddaughter, not some random roommate.
it’s very clear from both what the op and what the granddaughter added that this girl works extremely hard. she seems to have very little free time during the week, and you are upset that she wants to enjoy her weekends instead of being your personal slave? trying to get her to do your yard work on top of everything else she is already doing? upset that she doesn’t say goodnight to you every night?!? trying to control her computer usage?!? stuff like that is way over the line. mad that she takes care of her dog first thing when she gets home from work? that’s showing responsibility right there! you should be proud of her!
she’s even paying you $400 a month, which is a large portion of her income. if you don’t want to cook for her, don’t. it’s that simple. trying to add on to her already busy schedule just because you cook for her isn’t right. plus she does all the dishes for you! that’s a good deal right there. i’d much rather be doing the cooking than the cleaning up after the cooking/eating.
your comments seem to be dripping with resentment. calling her dad lazy like her, etc, when your granddaughter is anything but lazy! what do you do all day? you don’t work, right? you say you clean, but how much is there really to clean when you also say she does all the cleaning up and care taking of her animals? you are complaining that when she cleans up her dishes, she doesn’t clean up the dirty dishes you leave around...but i thought you did all the cleaning? so that doesn’t even track! she cleans up your mess every night after you make dinner, why can’t you clean up after yourself the other times you make a mess? sounds like you are much lazier than your granddaughter.
look at it this way — you are being paid $400 a month for your granddaughter to do all of these chores for you, on top of her own very busy life. in exchange, you cook dinner for her and give her a roof over her head — something most grandmothers would do for free.
the fact that your granddaughter is doing all of this and you are still calling her lazy is a slap in the face. you need a reality check. | after reading these responses, i'm not sure what you are expecting. seems like you wants a granddaughter that will garden and work her ass off and tell you good night.
there's nothing wrong with asking her to clean her dirty dishes and do her laundry, but i think your expectations are too high.
esh. | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 0.75023 | BENIGN | 0.997864 |
so i’m at this buffet where you pick out raw ingredients and then get in line to have your food cooked. the line extends around a large round stove where there is a large round counter top that surrounds the cooks and stove where you are supposed to put your bowl of raw ingredients.
there were like 3 people at the end of this circle countertop and then a massive gap of space where two old ladies at the beginning of the line, standing there, waiting for their food to be taken. as a result, my gf and i who were standing directly behind them, along with 6 others behind us, had to hold their bowls overflowing with raw chicken and sauce in their hands. i didn’t want to bother them or cause a scene by giving them orders, so i just decided to go up to the counter and put my bowl down. one of the cooks immediately took my bowl and started cooking it. the old ladies yelled out, “aren’t we next!?” the cook went and took their bowls and once they moved down the line, everyone moved all the way down and put their bowls down on the counter (which the old ladies were stopping all of them from doing).
in my opinion everyone who was on line should have followed behind me, because why were those two ladies just standing at the beginning of the line? like, move up...
or the chef could have just ignored me and taken the old ladies bowls first. i wouldn’t have been mad. i just wanted to put my bowl down.
as i write this, other people on the line have moved all the way down to the end of the line with everyone able to rest their bowl on the counter. this is how it should be. | aita for “skipping the line” at a buffet | 101 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cx4l5m/aita_for_skipping_the_line_at_a_buffet/ | 2019-08-29 18:11:23 | nah
you erred, but this isn't asshole territory. everyone can move on with their lives. | yta. they were clearly confused and you knew exactly what they were supposed to do. you didn't have to "give them orders." you could have just leaned down and politely said "hi, i don't know if you realize, but you're supposed to go up there and give them your bowl." | yta you could have asked them to move up and instead just popped around them. | yta just say something and be polite. is this the new first world struggle? holding your bowl you filled up? | yta. they were probably just confused. there's a way to let them know they need to move up nicely without giving them "orders." it's not cool to cut in front when they were waiting. | if i'm reading the situation and understanding which restaurant you were at, nta.
https://i.imgur.com/itjrefx.jpg
worst case scenario, their food was ready a full minute later because they didn't know the process, that happens to a lot of people on their first trip. | nah
you should be just said something tho | nta - you inadvertently demonstrated how to use the buffet. comparing it to a tv show makes you look silly tho | yta
you knew the situation. you knew that they weren't being malicious. you knew that if you just mentioned it then they would have moved up. you actively decided to be an asshole about it and skip them. | nta. both the ladies and the chef probably should have been more aware of their surroundings. | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 0.598849 | BENIGN | 0.546439 |
i’m being called an asshole and also being told it’s my decision to make and i’m so confused. sadly my husbands mother passed away in the beginning of november. we didn’t find out we were expecting until the end of the month. everything has been fine these past few months but ever since my pregnancy has progressed things have gotten horrible.
we found out it was gonna be a girl in january and ever since my husband is dead set on naming the baby after his mother. he said he's so happy to have a girl and it’s a sign to honor her after her grandmother she’ll never meet. the problem is i don’t really like the name. it’s a bit old fashioned and classic and it’s not even close to anything i would want. the name is something like: paula, carol, joanne, cynthia, francine (it’s one of those). not a hideous name but not my style or modern honestly.
i told my husband that perhaps we could have it as a middle name and that suggestion upset him. he said who goes by their middle name and that no one would know it except for whoever processes her paperwork and us and he wants it as her introductory name. i didn’t want to argue about his mom so i let it drop but after seeing him buying baby clothes with the first initial of the name now i’m beginning to worry.
i sat him down last week and told him that we still haven’t chosen on a name yet he realizes that right? he said that he thought we did. i said no. we got into an argument and he said he doesn’t understand why i’m being so evil and that it means a lot to him to name his daughter after his mom. i said that i understand that but i don’t like the name. it was hard to say but i said it. after i said that he got silent and stormed off.
we didn’t speak unless it was extremely important this entire week and he broke the ice last night saying we need to revisit the conversation. he asked me which names i wanted and i told him. he said that they are all nice, but they have no sentimental meaning and aren’t important like his name is. i brought up the middle name compromise and he got upset again. he said he’s seeing me in a different light and that he didn’t know how selfish im being over a name and he can’t believe this is causing so much debate. he said that i have been horrible during this grieving process and left. i called my sisters crying in a ft call and one says i’m being so over the top about not liking the name and i can live with it, and the other says she sees why i don’t like the name and doesn’t see the middle name as a bad compromise. so aita? it’s two people saying i am. | aita for not wanting to name my daughter my deceased mils name? | 3,565 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tn2b8q/aita_for_not_wanting_to_name_my_daughter_my/ | 2022-03-24 20:27:14 | i’m gonna go with nah because i’m giving him a bit of a pass since he’s grieving, so he’s likely not thinking very clearly. but it’s not right of him to take over the naming process and call you selfish about it. it’s ultimately a team effort, and the name can’t go forward unless you have two “yes”’s. one “no” is enough for a veto. i think he might need a different route to process his grief more healthily.
the middle name option is a more-than-fair compromise. i’ve also seen people honor their deceased loved ones in other ways, like:
1. same first initial
2. modernize an old-fashioned name (so someone named carol might be honored with carolyn/carolina/carrie)
3. give the baby a name with the same *meaning* as the honored name (like if you wanted to honor someone named “grace,” you could name your child “hannah,” which means “grace”)
4. name the baby after a favorite thing of the person you want to honor, or something with significant meaning (a favorite flower? color? significant location?) | nta. using your mother in law's name as a middle name is perfectly reasonable. you should not be forced to name your baby a name you don't love. my mother was pressured to name me after my father's mother and she is still resentful about it 40+ years later! | nta.
i'm sorry for the loss in your family.
he needs to find another way to deal with his grief.
my two nieces' middle names are my grandma who passed and their dad's grandma who passed. | nta
if it becomes her name then it's just her name. if it's her middle name then when people ask what it is she'll say it's after her grandmother. my middle name is my grandmother's this is the move you want | nta
do not budge on this, both parents deserve to love their children's names. tell him that the first name will be something you both agree on, but it will not his mother's name.
the most you would be willing to compromise is the middle name.
stick to your guns. | do you know what happens to kids who don't like their old fashioned first names? they go by their middle names or first initial. my niece is named after someone who saved my sister's life. she appreciates the person she is named after but she doesn't particularly like her name and usually goes by her first initial. you are thinking of your child who probably won't like an old lady name and won't have any emotional attachment to it since she won't know your mil. i think using it as a middle name is a good compromise but good luck convincing your husband. nta | your husband calling you "evil" and "selfish" over this is not normal, and you should not reward this behavior by caving into his childish demands. couples' therapy is probably in order here.
**nta.** | nta. he refuses to back down on one name that you don’t particularly like and only means really something to him but he says you’re being selfish? that’s rich. | nta. your husband is the one being selfish. both parents should agree on a name, not one forcing it onto the other for "sentimental" reasons. if you don't like the name then that should have been the end of the discussion. if you do cave in you will always know your daughter's name was guilt tripped on you. now that would really suck. | **nta.** your compromise is quite fair and reasonable. yes, he maybe grieving his mom, but he is really being a bully about this name. this child will likely be told repeatedly how "lucky" she is to be named after her grandma, doesn't she feel special, or how something she does is "just like her grandma", etc.
remind him that for baby names, it's 2 yeses and 1 no. | 1 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 0.904524 | BENIGN | 0.996572 |
a few weeks ago at a friend’s (jim) housewarming, my dog (stanley) and i were bit by another dog (zima). jim threw prior housewarmings and invited people to bring dogs (22 lb stanley went to these). stanley would play with jim’s dog (70+ lbs). this recent housewarming, other people brought their dogs, too, including my college friend (steve), who owns a \~4-year-old lab mix (zima, 70+ lbs), whom i've met several times since she was a puppy and was always sweet. thing is, the steve was out of town, so our other common friend (steve’s best friend, danny) was watching her – steve and i been wanting to schedule playdate for stanley and zima but never worked out.
at the party, zima immediately "goes at" stanley (barking and trying to attack) but doesn't touch him as far as i know (i was in bathroom). stanley was fine with the other 2 dogs who were already there and are both zima's size. we distance zima and stanley's fine. jim’s fiance gives the four dogs bone marrows to keep them occupied and everything quiets down. however, after 15 mins or so, another friend arrives with his golden retriever and the dogs, except stanley, who's with the bone, go to the door. zima immediately starts acting aggressively with this new dog and people pull her away. as the dogs and everyone retreat to the kitchen, zima attacks stanley and grabs his leg with her mouth, trying to hurt him – it was frightening. i was close to stanley, so i immediately saved him by pulling him out of her mouth while getting bit in the process. everyone saw and danny immediately takes zima home and returns - very sincere and apologetic. said he doesn’t know why she acted that way; however, at this point, danny mentions that steve said zima got bit by a small dog 6 months prior. would have been nice info to share before bringing her.
i had a minor puncture and scrapes on my swollen wrist and stanley had a cut on his ear and some tummy bruises/minor cuts – nothing too bad it seemed. luckily, when i took stanley to the vet the next morning, the tech said he's fine and is just bruised. i also went to the nearby urgent care (since it was a sunday) to get my wrist checked and everything was okay - they gave me some antibiotics.
today, i got the notice from my insurance that i owe $266 (excluding the $100 copay i paid upon arrival) so i texted my steve and danny, asking for help to pay the $266, stating it'd be really appreciated since i already paid the $100 copay. they each gave me $130 but are acting distant (steve never even asked how i'm doing or anything about stanley. all he said when i asked him if she was vaccinated before the doc visit was that she is and he hopes stanley and i are fine). steve didn’t respond yesterday to my 3-person text.
aita?
tldr: went to friend's housewarming and friend's dog bit my dog and me, leading to a $366 healthcare bill. i politely asked friends (dog owner and friend watching his dog) to pay the $266, after i paid the $100 copay but friends are acting distant. | aita for asking friends to help pay for medical bill after getting bit their dog | 116 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cuf8nd/aita_for_asking_friends_to_help_pay_for_medical/ | 2019-08-23 15:14:46 | nah - it's pretty normal to expect people to pay medical/vet bills if their dog attacks you/your dog. i wouldn't feel bad about it and i'm sure your friendship with steve and danny will go back to normal soon. most likely they are feeling guilty that the dog attacked you and salty about having to pay for it.
if they're still acting that way in a couple weeks then i would have a reasonable conversation with them about it to clear the air. | nta at all. i'm sorry you had to deal with that.
your friend is unfortunately not a good owner if they cannot control a dog from fericious behaviour and should've kept the dog away in the first place.
p.s holy shit medical bills are expensive | esh.
all of the humans set the dogs up to fail.
- confining 5 dogs, who haven't all met each other, in a new location.
- leaving your dog unattended to interact with another dog that it hasn't met before.
- continuing the interaction even after one dog "immediately" freaked out on another dog.
- giving all of the dogs high-value treats without knowing whether any of them might have issues with guarding resources.
- failing to disclose that one dog has a negative past with a certain type of dog, that could influence its behavior and cause aggression.
honestly, you *all* failed your dogs here. have you taken training classes?
if i were you, i would've taken my lumps, admitted that i played just as much of a role in this unfortunate situation, and paid for the whole bill. yes, it wasn't your dog that bit you, but if you really couldn't see this coming then you probably need to learn more about dog behavior. | nta seeing as danny already knew that the zima had been attacked, he should have notified the hosts, because imo it's pretty common knowledge that dogs that have been attacked in the past are more likely to be aggressive towards other dogs. you were well within your bounds to ask for assistance in paying the bill, the only thing i ask is did you thank steve and danny after they sent you the 130$ each? if you didn't, they might be acting distant because of that. zima really should have been left at home for this gathering. | esh with a bit of yta. you had four dogs in an enclosed space that had been grumbling at each other and one of you decided to give them bones to placate them. wtf. idiocy, obviously they are going to go into guarding mode. another dog arrives on top of four unhappy dogs in an enclosed kitchen?!, and unsurprisingly they have a scrap.
yeah sweet idea, lets have a house party everyone bring their dogs, if you live somewhere with a huge garden or on a farm! so they can run around and be dogs. literally a heap of strange dogs shut up in rooms with a party going on, it's going to go tits up.
i'm a large dog owner, mastiff. my dog protects me and i protect him. i'd never but him in a dumb arse situation like that, just because you've got a small dog you've still got to think things like this through.
edit. noticed part about zima having been the victim in an incident with a smaller dog previously. do you think she holds a grudge? lol. dogs don't think like that. unless you've got a really "bad" dog most bites are fear aggression. my boy has been bitten in the face by a small dog for the third time last week, he hasn't bitten back, shook them off and never subsequently attacked a smaller dog. because he isn't scared and he knows mummy taught him to be careful around small dogs. this has not made him "turn" against small dogs. he's a very confident, balanced dog.
i would imagine zima was more likely to have had a go at stanley as you mentioned he had a bone. this is called resource guarding. this is why you don't hand out bones to highly stressed dogs in an enclosed space. they can't go anywhere they're in each other's faces, if there's no escape they only have attack. | not sure how to vote this one...esh??
yes, they should help pay for the medical/vet bill.
but these dogs obviously did not mesh well from the start and kinda think all of the owners suck for not ending the 'dog date' sooner.
imo op should have erred on the side of caution and just taken the dog home before the incident could have happened. | nta. but you need to go a lot farther than that. unless your friend can prove that his dog is up-to-date on rabies vaccination, you need to call the health department asap. | nta
there are consequences to your dog acting aggressively. i think paying your medical bill is the least they could do. | esh. this whole thing was full of bad decisions on account of the owners. dogs should be familiarised with one another in a neutral location before confining them to a small area. giving them all treats is a dumb idea too, especially because some dogs may have food aggression. you most certainly should not have put your hand near an attacking dogs mouth ( i always grab the bigger dog by the back of the neck and pull it away). there should've been some warning that this dog had a negative experience with another dog earlier. and lastly, your medical system sucks too for how much you had to pay. | nta they're liable for what their dog did. | 1 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 0.359919 | BENIGN | 0.99579 |
my 14th birthday was yesterday, which also happened to be my sister elle's (17f) girlfriend's birthday (cara, 19f).
to be honest, i hate cara. ever since elle began dating her (around 3 months ago), shes completely changed. we used to spend a lot of time together since our parents were almost always away, and even though she was busy, she'd always spend time with me. thats until cara came along and put it into elle's head that she was being "parentified" by doing normal things like helping me with my homework, or making dinner since she loves cooking much more than i do, doing my hair, just typical stuff. however shes since stopped doing them, claiming that shes not my parent and its our parents' job to do that, not her. shes also stopped hanging out with me as much, and spends all her free time with cara.
so yesterday early in the morning, elle came into my room, wished me a happy birthday, then asked me to tell our parents that she was going out since she didnt want to wake them. i got confused because for my birthday we were all supposed to be going out camping and asked where she was going, and she said she wanted to spend the day with cara instead. i got angry and asked why not me, and she said she already had plans with cara and didnt want to be spending the day with me instead. i snapped and called her a bitch and told her shes basically choosing her stupid girlfriend over me. she got angry and told me not to call her girlfriend stupid, and she enjoys her company more than mine. the yelling woke my parents up, and after hearing what happened, they told elle she wasnt going anywhere and she was gonna spend the day with me. we ended up not going camping because i didnt want to go anymore, and my birthday was basically awful. elle hasnt spoken to me since, only to tell me that i also ruined cara's birthday because they were suppoed to spend it together, and now i dont know whether i was right anymore. aita? | aita for getting angry that my sister chose her girlfriend over me? | 61 | https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/toltyn/aita_for_getting_angry_that_my_sister_chose_her/ | 2022-03-26 10:37:31 | i'm going to say nah, but only because you're young and i understand what it's like when the people around you are growing up and moving on faster than you can.
1. i know it might be hard for you now to process how your feel relationship with your sister is changing now, but it's not her girlfriend's fault. your sister is almost an adult and is allowed to choose how to invest her time and energy, especially in a committed relationship.
2. with the whole "parentified" thing, i can't speak for how much your sister has been pressured to step up as a parental figure to you, but regardless i understand how the wording of her explanation could come across as hurtful especially if spending time with you ceased suddenly after that. cooking and helping your siblings with homework is not inherently toxic, but has your sister had to do this your whole life so you would be fed, or given attention? that would be a different story.
3. the way you speak about the gf is very hostile considering it seems the only thing she has done wrong is... be in a relationship. it's normal to hang out with your partner and at their age, there's not going to be more appeal in hanging out with your younger siblings over your romantic partner in most circumstances.
4. blindsiding you with going to spend time with her sister instead of you, without offering to spend much time with you at all, is iffy if it truly has come from nowhere. did you know it was the gf's birthday beforehand? i know it all feels very important to you now and that is understandable. birthdays become less important as you get older, though, and perhaps your sister didn't realise how much it meant to you. | oh dear. you need to understand that people do grow up, form relationships away from siblings and those do wind up being prioritised.
it doesn’t mean that your sister doesn’t care about you, but she’s growing up and forging romantic relationships and that’s part of life.
it will more than likely happen to you too.
you were pretty hard on her and calling her girlfriend stupid isnt going to bring you closer again. she’s definitely not going to want to spend any time with someone who makes her feel horrible, or feels like they are putting down someone she cares about.
it sucks that you and cara have the same birthday, but generally people do spend days like this with their partners instead of siblings, it’s not uncommon or unusual.
you can plan to do things together, but it won’t be a given that your sister will just automatically be spending time with you from now on.
it’s going to be a time of adjustment for you and it’s not nice to feel like you’re losing someone, but you will only make it all that much worse if you continue to act like this towards your sister and her girlfriend. | i can’t believe so many people are calling a kid an asshole. just because you get into a relationship you don’t forget family or friends i’m going with nah. both girls need a lot of growing up. the weekend has two days and plus friday night. elle is young and she’s in her first serious relationship, she doesn’t want to do those things because she’s probably starting university in september and now wants to do things separately. she’s growing up and going into adulthood. your 14 and wanted to spend with your sister if she couldn’t on your actual birthday, you could always another day. but you can’t go calling her girlfriend names. that’s not how life works. give cara a chance, you might like her!
edit to add: you gotta start doing things on your own kid. you can’t depend on your sister. | yta.
wow, spoiled much? seems like you don't want your maid... sorry, sister have a life of her own. be happy for her, and start learning to do stuff on yer own and for yourself.
"thats until cara came along and put it into elle's head that she was being "parentified" by doing normal things like helping me with my homework, or making dinner since she loves cooking much more than i do, doing my hair, just typical stuff. "
yeah, seems like she is parentified. and you are too spoiled to see it.
homework? hit the books, sort it out yourself.
making dinner? cookbooks and youtube, sort it out yourself.
doing my hair? sort it out yourself.
&#x200b;
be happy that your sister have found someone to love, that she is trying to be more independent and do stuff on her own. | cara is absolutely correct - helping you with your homework, doing your hair, cooking for you, that's all typical stuff for parents to do. you wouldn't want to be friends with someone who demanded you do all that for them constantly and never reciprocated.
it's creepy and abusive to gaslight someone by telling them they "love" doing chores for you, or that their girlfriend is a bitch for ruining all that. y'all weren't spending quality time together; she was acting as your servant. it's no wonder she wants a break from you to hang out with someone as a peer, who doesn't treat her as an unpaid employee. yta.
now if part of the problem is that you don't want her to have any social life because you don't have friends, that's a separate issue for you to work on. join some clubs, volunteer, whatever. but don't expect her to give up having a social life, or moving away from home eventually, etc., because you don't have a circle of friends. that also is not her (unpaid) job. | without reading others comments i'd say i'm between no one is an ah or all are.
i think the term parentification is used too freely in this sub and without more info i can't say that's the case of your sister. sisters help each other, that's not parentification. now if the parents consistently make the older sister parent the younger one in their absence, against her will and preventing her from being a child herself, then we can say it's parentification.
obviously, op needs to realize your sister will form relationships, that will take up a large part of her time. you won't be attached at the hip forever. you will also form those relationships. so be kinder to her and understanding.
i don't think it's ok for the sister to spend the full day with her girlfriend for her birthday if she had plans already with her family. she was going to sneak out without the parents knowledge, which means she knew of those plans.... if she wanted to spend a part of the day with the girlfriend or even all of it, she needed to be mature enough to inform the family so plans could be adjusted. she's still a minor, so imho she doesn't get to do whatever she wants.
if the girlfriend is a good or bad influence, just this post doesn't really let us see.. its very one sided.
it is sad seeing that the sisters are failing to communicate, so that would be my advice. op needs to talk to her sister and explain you miss spending time with her,even if that time will be reduced now. also, refusing to be parentified is obviously ok, but for the sister to cut op entirely is not...
you're both young. first relationship. just communicate better between each other.
nah (for age and since the post doesn't really tell all) | i'll say a soft yta
you have to figure out where you fit in your sister's new life and that's hard.
but hun at 14, you're old enough to do your own hair, do your own homework or ask friends for help and cook your own dinner.
i understand the occasional help but it shouldn't be an every day thing.
also with the age difference you guys are in different parts of life so yea, she might have leas time for you now.
maybe find someone to talk to about your feelings around this. | i am leaning yta if i'm honest. it's ok to be upset that your sister isn't spending your birthday with you. it's not ok to insult her and her girlfriend.
it does sound like elle has felt pressured to do a lot for you. you say your parents are almost always away - well, that isn't fair when your sister ends up as an unpaid babysitter. she is allowed to grow up and have more time with her gf, friends etc. | yta, the things your sister did for you are you & your parents responsibility. at 14, you should definitely be doing your own hair and can get your own food. her liking cooking is irrelevant if she doesn’t want to. your bday sucked because you exploded. | yta
you're not entitled to anyone's time and effort.. and you dislike cara because she pointed out elle was basically your parent/maid at this point.
you're 14, that's old enough to do your own homework and hair.. dinner you can learn as it's not that hard to do. | 1 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 0.502583 | BENIGN | 0.993527 |
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