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600 | Hi guys and galls,
Long time creeper, first time poster. I need some advice about my current situation:
A few months ago I found the love of my life. As somebody who practices Stoicism I keep the reaction and thoughts concerning my emotions in check. But when I first met her I was head over heels in love.
Now 10 months later I still am. (She is a lover of philosophy and just an all-around good person).
However after 4 months of our relationship she had a burn-out that resulted in a depression. It was aggravated because she had a very physically and emotionally abusive past. Her last boyfriend was not just toxic but pure evil (he knowingly took actions to hurt her). And her mother.... well let's just say she makes Emperor Nero look like a good guy.
Anyway, about a month ago she told me that in her current state she is unable to appreciate, even accept, how I act towards her. Not because it is bad but because she is not used to receive appreciation and love just for who she is. So she wanted to pause the relationship. Of course it's a bit more complicated as this but the post is long enough as it is.
I have had this scenario in my mind during daily Negative Visualisation exercises so I handled it well at first. I know she does this out of love and I saw is as an good Stoic training moment.
However, lately I have the feeling she is slowly moving on from me. Which I am happy about, she deserves the best life she can get, and I will manage. For the first time in her life she is caring for herself. And I can only agree with that.
But since a few weeks ago I lost rational control of my emotions. Something that, since I started my Stoic journey, has not happend before. I feel abandoned, rejected and alone, even though I know her actions are beyond my control. But I feel like my "Inner Citadel" is crumbling before my very eyes and all my previous Stoic training is failing me. I try to see this as a growth opportunity but the negative emotions feel stronger than me. It feels like I'm heading to a depression, something I never thought was possible for me. My ego, as it turn out, is not as invulnerable as I thought.
I am stuck in what to do, what the ethical choise is and how to "rationalize" my feelings.The Idea of "the obstacle is the way" helped in the beginning, but not anymore.
So I call upon you, my fellow Stoic students for advice, sources, exercises or ideas that can help me. Has anybody had previous experience with a sudden lack in strength-of-character? Any help is much appreciated.
Sorry for the long post. You guys are awesome. | > about a month ago she told me that in her current state she is unable to appreciate, even accept, how I act towards her [...] lately I have the feeling she is slowly moving on from me
Taking everything at face value here - it's certainly a real thing that when someone has gone through trauma or emotional abuse, someone treating them well just does not compute. She may well have some healing to do.
In that sense I wouldn't even see it as "moving on" so much as refocusing her energies internally. And that's a good thing!
I think a question to ask yourself is - are you attached to a version of her that she *could be*, or are you meeting her genuinely where she is *now*?
The version of her *now* sounds like it is not in a place to accept and reciprocate a healthy relationship. That's just where she's at on her journey in life and isn't a reflection on your character or worth.
That being the case, what do you want and deserve for yourself? Don't you deserve someone emotionally available and healed who can accept and reciprocate what you show them? If that isn't who she is right now, then that's not a bad thing to let go of. I think that's the key impression to evaluate here - who would you *actually* be letting go of? The version she could be, or the version she is in the moment? If you can shift that perspective you may find peace and relief.
I can say from personally experience that there have been people I've loved and had to let go of, thought I'd never hear from them again, and they re-appear many years later as if a day hasn't gone by, in some new or different capacity. There's peace as well in having faith that your course in life will work out as it should.
Letting go and having space between you may also give you an opportunity for your own perspective and growth. Attachment theory is really interesting to get into; sometimes we are subconsciously drawn to emotionally unavailable people if we have some internal feeling about ourselves or if it matches some pattern in our upbringing. Opportunity for introspection and growth here. | Losing control of my feelings, need advice | null | general_qa |
601 | I'm planning to order a hard cover for "Mediations" from Marcus Aurelius.
I'm not a novice Stoic, yet neither an established & sucessful practitioner.
I'm seeking some a good Stoic book on how to live life & invevitebly accept some hard to swallow pills -- whilst using them to my advantage & success.
Thank you for taking the time to read this & possibly share your advice. | ​
[https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/45109. ](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/45109) . This is a free downloadable copy of The Enchiridion by Epictetus. It is literally a handbook of small paragraphs focusing on stoicism.
This link is about Admiral Stockdale, the highest ranking officer held in the Hanoi hilton during the Vietnam War. he was a student of Epictetus and credits the lessons of sticism for helping him survive the hell of that prison.[https://reasonandmeaning.com/2015/03/08/admiral-james-stockdale-and-epictetus/](https://reasonandmeaning.com/2015/03/08/admiral-james-stockdale-and-epictetus/)
Another boo you may want to read is one of the finest books ever written. "A Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. He was a Jewish Psychologist that survived the death camps of nazi Germany in WWII. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one book with you, this would be at the top of my list. | Good book for a clear mind & acceptance of reality? | null | general_qa |
602 | So, this will be a long post and I hope I'll get some stoic advice, especially regarding the discipline of perception.
# Part 1: Background
I am a 21 y.o. guy from , say, country X. Country X is at war right now. In country X we do have mandatory military service called conscription plus a wartime draft for men. I am a hardcore libertarian and an aspiring stoic (have been studying stoicism for 2-3 years now) and one of the things that are obvious to me is that my body is my property and not government's (an this point is non-debatable no matter what).
So, I fought like hell since I was 16 to never be conscripted into military. I was studying hard and working hard and took risks and went from being a broke 18 y.o. to an upper-middle class 21 y.o. with a good career and I moved to study abroad and I have a plan how I will stay in this country (with best and worst case scenarios fully thought through). Remark: I could've solved it by means of bribing much easier, but it's my principled decision to never reward slavery and corruption. Moving abroad was the best way I could actually execute to change the situation in my country by voting with my feet and taxes. So, at this point it's relatively safe to say that until 2027 I will neither be conscripted not drafted with a very high probability (not 100% though, but still high).
But legally, there's a chance that I will either be conscripted or imprisoned in or after 2027, because my country may not extend my passport abroad or stuff like that (I have several plans how can I mitigate some of the stuff both using law of my home country and international law, but it's still a possibility). But right now there's no way I can revoke my citizenship before that.
Also, at this point I am severely burned out to the point of barely functioning and sometimes having nervous breakdowns because I'm overworked. I won in many ways: career with good income, studies, moving abroad, having to help my refugee mother and coordinate my family and having a healthy and loving relationship with my gf.
## Part 2: My perceptions about it and things wrong with them
My situation in neither good nor bad, according to stoicism. Only my judgement and perception make it such.
But there are several points when my stoicism breaks apart.
The first one is that sometimes my brain goes into anxious hyperfocus on the problem described in Part 1 (of the fact that my government considers me a slave) and in part because my psyche is barely holding together. I know that I need something to do about it, so I was in therapy for Oct 2020 -- June 2021 (after that I wasn't able to afford therapy). Right now I scheduled an appointment with a doctor and I'm trying to get medicated and then in autumn return to therapy (only in autumn for financial reasons).
I do understand, even when I'm worried that this worry doesn't do me any good and only takes away my energy, but I just can't stop even though I remind myself that:
​
1. It's only in my imagination util it actually happens
2. Focusing on what I can't control doesn't do me any good
3. Focusing on what I can control (working on myself, my life etc) does
4. Even if I have only 5 years left, I have to spend them well.
The second moment is when my feminist gf starts telling me anything about patriarchy of female problems, I get angry. It's not that women don't face any discrimination or other problems, but that you know, no female problem (in a western country) imo beats being enslaved just because you're a man. Over time, I learned to just listen unless she mentions that men have it better, because fuck this shit.
But I still feel some bitterness, because male problems are never talked about and while government tries to protect women from any sexism, it forcibly sends men to die under bullets. And that bitterness again doesn't do me any good.
I tried to combat this using Amor Fati principle. I view my situation as my privilege. I have a perfect "death ground" motivation: unless I do good and study hard and find a well-paying job, I get deported and either imprisoned or enslaved in the worst case. So I do good and keep soldering on no matter what. If I didn't have that motivation, in some situation I would certainly give up, because I was so burned out I could barely function.
## Conclusion
So, I try to act like a stoic and never give up. I try to apply some stoic mindsets and I have a good understanding of them, but sometimes bitterness about my situation creeps into my soul (even though I'm very proud of myself and the life I've built). Some parts may be fixed by consulting a doctor and I'm working on it. But my perception fix is the most important and I need some advice on it.
P.S. I also finally made some time to fully rest for 1-2 months, so my burnout should be better. | Thanks, will start practicing meditation (at least for 5-10 minutes) daily | Need stoic advice on a really (really) tough situation. Trying my best to not become bitter and resentful | null | general_qa |
603 | Hi everyone, I'm a undergrad(20M) and I have feeling lonely and disconnected on campus. Since I'm into stoic philosophy, how can I approach my problem?
I really do not like my situation and I was hoping to get some genuine advice. I thought someone could help me out. I am also hoping to make some genuine friends so my dm is open to all. I like gaming, music and physics. | >Since I'm into stoic philosophy, how can I approach my problem?
The best places to find others who share your interests is to join any club on campus that caters to physics, gaming and music.
You could even apply to be a note-taker for a fellow student. We dont have any difficulty finding attendants for our wheelchair-bound young adults because it seems pairing students who can take notes for other students is a popular activity. We also pair active senior citizens to these students as free mentors. So many are active in the physics club, the gaming community and go to student concerts on campus.
I know the fear of peer to peer communication can be a roadblock to feeling included. The Stoic philosophy is based on virtue ethics and how you can foster your best self while building your character.
You're on a campus to learn and grow, so even one small step of just exploring what is offered can be eye-opening and give you confidence. Plus, you don't have to commit. You can try on different clubs to see if they fit you.
EDIT: you may also have a local philosophy club...you can even start your own.
https://www.apaonline.org/page/undergradclubs/Guide-for-Undergraduate-Philosophy-Clubs-and-Groups.htm | Seeking stoic advice on lonliness and disconnection | null | general_qa |
604 | I'm having trouble after seeing a new petty, unreasonably vengeful side to my closest friend. However, it would be an oversimplification to just call her "toxic". She has been with me at my worst, supportive at my best, and always knows how to alleviate my worries... which makes everything so much harder and hurtful.
I look to the Stoicism for advice but i dont know how to practice it:
Marcus Aurelius said in Meditations, Book I, "not to shrug off a friend's resentment--even unjustified resentment--but try to put things right".
But in 'Letters from a Stoic', Seneca warns of "persons who spread vices. And association with them does a lot of damage".
And finally, it seems no matter what decision i make, if i stay friends or cut them off, i will be suffering and hurting in some way, which seems very un-stoic | Curious - how is she toxic?
As a general response... Take both pieces of advice.
Do your best to communicate that certain things are toxic. Reject that behavior any time you are around it in a reasonable, calm way.
Try to course correct in order to save the friendship.
However, if your friend rejects your attempts, continues her toxic behavior, and this behavior poses a risk to you, your well being, your state of mind, etc... It may eventually come time to distance yourself.
The thing is, destructive people are capable of loyalty. But they expect it in return. Whatever you do, do not reinforce or internalize whatever it is about her that is destructive. | What am I supposed to do about close but toxic friends? | null | general_qa |
605 | I've been a Stoic for a couple years now. I've read Meditations countless times and I'm working my way through Seneca and Epictetus at my own pace. Stoicism has greatly enhanced my quality of life and I'm very thankful I've found it, as I'm not sure where I would be without it. I love almost everything about it and I think everyone should be a Stoic. Having said that, for some reason I just don't have that strong connection to virtue as I did even a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I still recognize that virtue is the highest good. And because I'm an atheist, I think it may be the single purpose of mankind, if there even is one. But I've been reading books such as The 48 Laws of Power and the Art of War and I feel like these books have contributed to this feeling of losing such a strong connection to virtue. Maybe it's opened my eyes to the brutal games being played, or that the ever-virtuous would be crushed in building a political movement or military, but I just don't have the same romanticized idea of virtue as I did. Sometimes virtues have to be sacrificed for higher virtues, and being virtuous can bleed over into being walked over. Would it really be virtuous to be constantly defenseless and allow outside forces to subjugate their will onto you? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even consider stealing or assaulting someone or even insulting anyone without any serious reflection of admittance of wrongdoing, but being virtuous used to feel compulsive. It hasn't felt that way recently. Maybe this is a moment of weakness for me. Any advice on how to get back to that feeling would be appreciated; sorry for rambling. Thanks!
P.S. I would still recommend the 48 Laws of Power and Art of War as I think it can also prepare you for the more dangerous and strategic aspects of the world. As much as I hate to say this, I'm not sure I would want a stoic to have complete control over military or strategy. | Have you read "How to think like a roman emperor?" It's an introduction to stoicism, but it talks about how Marcus prevailed against someone rising against him. He didn't back down by any means, as one of the virtues is courage. I feel like some people, including myself at times, thinks being stoic just means being trampled over, but why do you feel trampled over? Is your ego bruised? Do you feel like you have something to prove? In a literal sense, of course you should defend yourself from physical harm, but don't confuse indifference between mental and physical. As I read your post, I remembered a quote that I forget from where that said "even the sun shines on the wicked". I don't know if you needed to hear that, but don't get muddied up with those people. Whether you believe in good or evil is one thing, but there's shitty people out there. | I feel I'm losing my sense of virtue. (Need Advice) | null | general_qa |
606 | I have not lost my mom, but she is getting older. She and my family are my world. I do not really like being with friends. I am 22 and male, and I feel myself drifting away from friends. At 22, conversations with friends feel a little awkward (maybe someone could explain why?) The more time I spend with friends, the less time with my family. And I already work and go to school full time. The thought of not having her one day gives me anxiety and sadness. She is my strength. She is wise and unconditionally shows her love and support. I only feel unconditionally loved by my family. And I feel unconditional love for them and for my mom, who is my favorite person in the world.
The other day I graduated and presented my degree to her. She hung it on a frame immediately. How can I best enjoy my time with my mom and show her how loved she is? How can I cope when she is gone?
Has any stoic written specifically about losing their mom or someone important for them? Did they give a method? Any reading suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time. Writing this has been therapeutic. | Losing someone is part of the contract we agree when coming into this world. Don't focus on her passing away, focus on the now. Enjoy the time you have with her instead of holding to that negative energy. She feels it, trust me. When they time comes, you will find the strength to move pass this. | Stoic advice on losing your mom? | null | general_qa |
607 | She has this guy bestfriend but nonetheless I trust her. But lately she's getting annoyed when I text her or ask her for a favour while being really kind and helping to others. Maybe she's just bored of me/ sick of my bs idk. Or maybe she has feelings for her bestfriend. Idk what I can do in this case. I know I have to confront her over this matter but I just need some stoic advice for in case things take a turn for the worse(which i am expecting it will) and to communicate with her without losing my rationality and being too emotional. | I notice that you feel you have to "confront her" when she's doing nothing wrong. Confrontation in most cases means that all opportunities to discuss the issue maturely and calmly have been ignored.
Jealousy is just about the most worthless emotion there is. You risk driving away the person you love because you can't handle her having normal things like friends without fearing losing her. You devalue yourself by thinking you're interchangeable with any other guy, rather than recognising the unique nature of each person's bond with each other person.
Relax. Either she'll leave you or she won't, but trying to preempt it with mate guarding behaviour is guaranteed to end badly. | I worry way too much that my girlfriend is going to leave me for some other guy or is losing feelings for me | null | general_qa |
608 | Hi im 17 and in college atm. I often find a worry and get caught in loops of thoughts that never get me any where when i am left alone. However whenver i am around people i can talk to or am friends with i dont worry or ponder these same thoughts. Its almost as if my brain starts getting more anxious when i am not around people i know. Does anyone have any tips on how i can suppress and not dwell on these pointless thoughts when im alone because i know its all in my head, evidenced by the fact i dont worry about them when i am with friends. | Suppress" is the wrong word here. To suppress means only to bury and not deal with a problem or issue. "Mastery" is a better way to approach such issues like intrusive thoughts, circular thinking, and anxiety.
Mastery takes time, but it means that you have better mental and emotional tools with which to work. You never fully resolve problems, but you do find the mental muscle for how to deal with them, and once learned, you have them for the rest of your life. For me, learning deep breathing (belly breathing) meditations was the start; having a physical sensation to focus on during these anxious moments was a helpful, for physicality is concrete. From there I used journaling-there has been research that expressing worries or traumas in words can help resolve PTSD and chronic anxiety, whereas visualizing in pictures causes trauma to resurface. This journaling need not be in an official journal, but your anxious thoughts written out on loose leaf paper (and yes, handwriting is important). You can keep them or throw them away, and no one ever need read them if you do not want to. The point is to purge the thoughts from your head onto the paper, like drawing out an infection.
From there, I found it helpful to explore mindfulness meditation. There are a lot of resources online for these things, and YouTube offers guided meditations.
And, simplest of all, go for a walk and notice the world around you. Unplug, mute, walk away for an hour. We humans need more sunlight and fresh air. | Worrying about thoughts that make me feel worse and leade to know conclusiom | null | general_qa |
609 | Ill cut down to the chase;I am a male in his mid-30's, due to family I switched careers a year ago to be able to provide a decent life.Ive been driving for a year but we do tons of manual labor.I work the graveyard shift, 12-14 hours a day, 5 days a week with 1 day off( my day off rotates a day back every week.)I can't switch jobs at the moment especially at this stage of my life.We are barely scrapping by as it is, doing every thing we can to save for a house and pay off debt( Hospital bills due to kids).
I used to be very friendly, outgoing, had lots of acquaintances. Now, I barely see my family. I am getting depressed, frustrated with our government, angrier every day.
I want to work out, I want to read, and I want to educate myself.What can I do? I want to get in shape.
Can I go run every night after work? or will cause damage to my knees?
Should I do fasting? or it could cause issues at work since I do a lot of manual labor? | I suggest a regular meditation practice. Try to do it on a regular basis at the same times such as first thing when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed. Try to do both in order to sandwich the day between sessions. For starters there are a lot of youtube videos on the subject, also a book 'The Mind Illuminated' is great for walking you through the process from beginner to experienced, a sub for it can be found here: r/TheMindIlluminated/. Don't forget your Stoicism as well. Finally, a disclosure. Life doesn't always go the way we want. No shit Sherlock, I know. But you're not alone in this. Epictetus was born a slave during the Roman Empire, was set free during his adulthood and later opened a school of philosophy which taught Stoicism. James Stockdale, a Vietnam vet, was caught while in action and held prisoner for 7 years.
I mention them not to belittle your situation. They wouldn't have done that, either. Instead, they reminded themselves that it is better to stop wanting things that out of our control instead of suffering for them. If you have time, I would recommend you check out Daily Stoic for stuff like this. | I am falling into depression. | null | general_qa |
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