As I write this, it feels like 50/50 odds that I will actually finish it in time to be published tomorrow morning because my brain is hanging on by a thread. Not to mention, I have 10 minutes until the timer for my frozen pizza goes off and it's all over after that. I fully intend to eat all the feelings.
Everyone warns you that once you become a parent, you'll never sleep again. There's no real way that you can prepare for it, but you do your best to be as mentally prepared and you stumble through those first few newborn months with as much coffee and grace as you can muster. The thing is, the sleep deprivation is only a small factor in that bone-weary, unrelenting exhaustion and overwhelm that you feel every single day.
I love motherhood. I love my boys. And I don't regret having them so close in age, nor quitting my job to spend my days with them (even at the expense of our bank account). But this season is so damn exhausting. The only thing I need right now is "me" time. My introversted self is constantly running on empty because there's simply no time away from people for me to recharge. So I just operate in survival mode, doing the best I can with these sweet babies of mine, all the while not doing anything to take care of myself.
I worked in social services and I fully understand the importance of self-care. But what happens when self-care is impossible? What happens when your bank account cannot justify hiring a babysitter for a night so that you and your husband, whom you miss dearly, can escape for a long overdue date night? What happens when your husband is working two jobs to support the family and needs his own me time to recuperate, leaving you with children to tend to 24/7?
I'm really not trying to be self-pitying (okay, maybe a little) and being in this exhausted state makes me questions how single moms and military spouses can possibly do this. But this season is really difficult. The baby snugs and toddler silliness makes the days joyful, but it is a joy peppered with weariness.
Some days, motherhood just needs a halftime.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I catch myself with feelings of resentment towards Taylor. Watching him enjoy a beer (or a couple puffs), watching him play xbox as i bath and feed a fussy baby. He has a fun job that he loves, and a part time job that also allows him to have a little fun. As i find myself pregnant again, i ask myself, will i ever feel normal again? I havent felt like "me" since i found out i was pregnant with H, a year and half ago. Recently, he had a night out with the boys, an overnight trip to a UFC fight, and I cried so many tears of jealousy while i was alone. Then i felt guilty. This is HARD, so much harder away from my friends and family. Then, he bought me a discounted massage from groupon, just because. And as much as I desperately just want to scream, I pause and think about how lonely life would be without all the stress and chaos.