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TIFU by clicking "unsubscribe" in a junk email

Though it's always said that you should never click "unsubscribe", because that simply tells the spammer that it's a good email address, and I used to follow that guidance, over the years I've started sometimes clicking it on emails that make it past the spam filter, especially if they seem to come from at least a somewhat reputable source, as it seems like more and more companies are honoring these requests. Unfortunately that was not the case today (well, yesterday actually). Received an email for "Life Line Health Screening", and stupidly, thinking that this was a reputable company, tried to unsubscribe. Well, the floodgates have been opened. This particular mail account, which typically only receives a one or two messages a day, almost immediately started getting a much higher volume, almost 100 so far. Not just for the Life Line thing that I stupidly tried to unsubscribe from, but for window replacements, luxury bedsheets, portable heaters, seat cushions, etc. Judging by the timing, and the appearance of the emails (all are using the same obfuscation characters in the sender name and subject line to get some of them past the spam filtering), they are all coming from the same source. So, apparently the Life Line emails were not being sent by them, they were being sent on their behalf by some third-party marketing firm, and upon their system seeing an active email address, they unleashed a torrent of junk mail from their other clients onto me. Most are being caught by the spam filter, but some are slipping through. TL;DR: don't click unsubscribe on junk emails.

TIFU by realizing one year later that I received the wrong item by Amazon

Tl;dr: I bought a v2 of a camera lens and was sent the wrong item. I just never confirmed because they look nearly identical and honestly just never thought to do that “because Amazon would make sure they’re sending me the right expensive item…right?” Was talking to someone and we were asking about each other’s gear and he was like uh yea that’s the v1…rip. Yea, basically title. I bought a camera lens and it looks very similar to the version one, that I just didn’t even think about it. That and my naiveeness that Amazon wouldn’t send me the wrong thing, especially as expensive as it is…but goes to show that’s why I should pay attention the most. There’s been times I honestly questioned it. Like “uh I thought the v2 was supposed to be lighter…have this feature” but figured I just didn’t notice because I couldn’t compare to v1. But I was just in a conversation with a friend and he asked what lens I used and he was like “uh that’s not that lens” Lmao. Rip. Totally on me, and idk why I didn’t notice or check. But pretty expensive mistake. I contacted Amazon, having absolutely no expectations, but why not. I know they keep serial numbers to cross reference for returns, but had no expectations they kept them past return date, and yea there was nothing they could do. Again, totally expected, but I wasn’t doing anything so figured I’d just ask and see if there was a “Christmas miracle.” I literally started my message out as “I know how sus this sounds…but uh a year ago I ordered this lens and was sent the wrong one and just noticed” lmao. Annoyed but honestly not even mad, just laughing it off at this point, I’m just so stupid, haha.

TIFU by using vape liquid as eye drops.

Woke up this morning with one eye a little blurry. Happens from time to time if I sleep funny, so didn’t think too much into it. Grabbed some eye drops while I was at the shop. Been mindlessly using them throughout the day waiting for it to improve (it has somewhat already). Well, I’m sitting doing some work at home before shutting down for Christmas. I reach into my pocket without even really paying attention, raise the bottle, and boom. There’s a second where the intense pain, I think, explains why my vision is blurry. I must’ve scratched my eye in my sleep. Except it doesn’t stop, and I finally look at the bottle. I’ve just squeezed fucking vape liquid into my eye. Cue loads of cursing, pain, and rinsing my eye in the sink. I’m an idiot. Also, I hope my vision stops being blurry soon because this has happened before, but it’s now 2pm and the hypochondria is kicking in. TLDR: Accidentally used vape liquid as eye drops.

TIFU by accidentaly giving a homeless woman and her pup $100.

I have been feeling a bit under the weather and decided to buy myself a coffee. I was about to walk into the establishment when I saw a homeless woman sitting outside with her dog. I felt bad for them because I can't imagine how hard it must be to be homeless especially being this time of the year so I decided to go up to her, told her Merry Christmas and handed her $10. Her eyes lit up and she started sobbing and said thank you. When I was trying to pay for my coffee, I noticed that in my haze I had given the woman $100 instead as the $10 I thought I had given her was still in my wallet. I was panicking and contemplating going to look for her and explaining my error but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I didn't want to be an asshole especially after her emotional reaction so I just made my way home. TL:DR I gave a homeless woman more money than I thought I did.

TIFU by burning the hand mixer just before Christmas

I’m spending my first Christmas with my boyfriend in his place. We had all these elaborate plans for recipes, and it was going well, until I started making the dough for our gingerbread. The mixer my bf has is one of those three-in-one food processor, hand mixer and blender. Those are known for not being really reliable with “heavy” work, and I should’ve known better, but when processing the butter with the sugar for the gingerbread I managed to burn the motor of the mixer. In order to not ruin all the plans of recipes for Christmas (and being unable to buy a new mixer on the 24th of December) I proceeded to HAND blend egg whites into soft peaks AND hand mix heavy cream into chantilly. Needless to say I have a new found appreciation for anyone that had to ever beat anything pre-electric mix era. TL;DR TIFU by burning the hand-mixer on the 24th of December and needing to beat everything by hand to prepare the food.

TIFU by not using a hand guard on a mandolin and cutting a piece of thumb off

Just like it says. I was slicing potatoes for Christmas Eve with a mandolin that I never used before. I thought I could slice it half way without the guard and the rest of the potato with the guard. And to be fair, that method worked for the first 2 potatoes. Then the third one slipped or I was going too fast and I sliced a chunk of thumb off from my right hand. I wrapped it up in a ton of toilet paper and napkins, browsed Reddit to see protocol for being a dumbass in the kitchen, and made sure I still had feeling (it wasn't a nerve severing, bone deep wound so no hospital visit on one of the busiest weekends of the year.) I took some graphic pics for posterity and to use as future ice breakers when meeting new people, which is one of my New Year's resolutions. I bet you can guess what my second New Year's resolution is now. 😢 TL;DR: Manual mutilation via menacing mandolin. Merry Christmas. *There are photos in the comments because I don't want to be ruining anyone's Christmas dinner as they scroll via mobile. Gotta be extra safe, you know.*

TIFU by telling my family I loved them

So today I had a particularly long day and to unwind I took about 40mgs of cookie edibles and put on a movie (the goofy movie, which should give an indication about the current mood set) after putting my laundry in the washer. About an hour into the film, I remembered that in order for laundry to get dry, you must first put them in the dryer since I don’t have a fancy one machine washer dryer (those are a thing right?). Pause the movie, start moving and hear my dad behind me in his office around the corner. Oh dear. Now here are the facts of the situation. I love my family very much. I don’t say this nearly enough because I’ve never been very vocally affectionate person. When I’m high it’s very much the opposite and I have been known by my friends to go on long tangents about how wonderful each and every one of them was loved. I stop, deer in the headlights style and turn, running directly to my father and hug him. “I love you so much and I don’t say it enough I’m so sorry I’m super high bye.” Turn and run before he can react - that’s the plan. Perfect turn. Before me - my mother in the doorway. Oh dear. Run into the hug. “I love you so much, you already know what’s going on bye” run downstairs. Directly. into. My sisters laundry basket, and subsequently my sister coming back upstairs. Oh dear. “Hi love you ok bye” run into the laundry room. “He’s high” my parents offer helpfully to my bewildered sister as I grab my loot like a little gremlin and crawl back up the stairs with my fabrics treasures. Even now I know I will be the butt of jokes until I die. TL;DR: I got high and will now be the butt of friendly ribbing for years Send help.

TIFU by screwing over all my Facebook Marketplace listings.

I fix and resell laptops on Facebook Marketplace. My sales have been low even though laptops much worse for the price than mine sell every day. I finally figured out why when I was messaged on a listing for a laptop I sold 2 years ago. Turns out I had over FIFTY old listings I forgot to mark sold, dating back as early as 2021. To make it worse, some of them were not only for a product I already sold, but multiple listings for said products. For comparison, after deleting the listings, I only had 11 listings in which I actually had the product I was selling. All of those listings made the Facebook algorithm think my products suck massive whale boners. My listings were being pushed to the bottom of the page with all my year old listings. I probably lost thousands of dollars to this. Fuck my life. TL;DR: Forgot to delete old Facebook Marketplace listings, which fucked me in the algorithm.

TIFU by possibly shutting down a startup company

I may have accidentally shut down a company that was designed to help people quit smoking. there was this company called Hazen, which were cbd cigarettes (no thc.) they had a deal where you could get a free pack just for typing in your address, age and address. this was a deal one per household and they didnt charge shipping or anything. i posted it on reddit and it went super viral, and they noticed it and sent me a carton and a thank you note for helping them become wildly successful. well they ended up giving away so many free packs that they owed people packs, and a few weeks later when i went to contact them and see if i could help work with marketing, the website was gone, their reddit was dead and everything was wiped. i assume they started to go downhill after having to spend so much on shipping, packaging and other things. the guys told me they only expected about 100 people who claimed the free packs but ended up giving away about 2000. TL;DR i promoted a company so well that it shut down because it gave away too many free samples.

TIFU by losing a fight to dead raccoon skull

As is typically, this didn't happen today, but most of it did happen this week! The first FU actually started about 2 months ago when I came to the middle school where I work one early morning. There was a dead raccoon by the back door that most of the teachers use as well as some students. Being a concerned educator, I went inside and got gloves and, with the moral support of my co-worker, picked it up and tossed it into the woods by the parking lot. (It is important to note here that I am old... and fat.) I discovered two things - one, dead raccoons do not throw well - they are nothing like a ball! And two, I suck at throwing. The raccoon only went about 10 feet into the woods. Oh well, the kids won't get to it and something will eventually eat it, right? I should have just called animal control, but I knew the students would beat them here. (I did call afterwards to see if they needed to come get it, but they said if it was not where kids would mess with it, it can stay there.) Three days later when I get to work, there is an rather unpleasant odor in the back parking lot near the woods. Crap. I thought something should have eaten this dead raccoon by now. But no. The smell of death is permeating the entire parking lot. After school, the smell is so bad, the kids getting on the bus were complaining. Okay. I'll have to bring a shovel tomorrow to stop this! But by morning, when I go to deal with it, it's gone - the smell and the raccoon. I was a bit disappointed, because I was hoping to get the skeleton, but it was gone. Except maybe not all of it was actually gone. Last Monday morning, I look over into the woods and I notice that the raccoon skull is still there! How cool. This is where the real FU begins! I decided I want that skull. (Can you guess that I'm a science teacher?) After I eat lunch, I grab a baggie and head off to the woods to retrieve my skull. I have 15 minutes before the kids come back. Plenty of time to grab the skull and use the restroom. How wrong I was. Did I mention that I'm old (and fat)? Yeah, well that and unstable ground do not mix. I take two or three steps towards into the woods when I discover that a leaf covered surface is NOT always solid. Sometimes it just branches covered in leaves. As my foot went through the branches, I toppled forward into the woods, landing flat on my face. Not good. But surely I can get up, grab my skull and still get back with time to wash up. I grab a stick and start to stand up. That's when I discovered two things - one, a rotted stick really doesn't help you stand up much and two, there are a ton of sticker vines! As the stick breaks and sticker vines pull, I go crashing back down on my front, this time I didn't even get my hands up! I'm starting to worry a bit now, mostly about the time, but I'm also hurting. Well, I'm down here, the skull is still intact (despite me landing on it twice), nothing to do but try again. I pick up the skull with the baggie and wiggle/crawl to a tree. I pick a steadier stick this time and once again try to get to my feet. My right foot is fine, but I can't move my left foot forward to get it under me. I keep thinking that it can't be broken 'cause that would hurt way more than I am hurting, but it still won't move. Maybe it's nerve damage? Then the vines holding my foot back suddenly give way and I proceed to fall a third time, this time on my ass. It is clear that I am not going to be standing up anytime soon. (I did mention I am old, right?) As I sit on the ground, wondering, I realize that nobody knows where I am. I'm off the security cameras and I don't have my phone. I'm going to be stuck here until the buses come in 3 hours and I can shout for help. I'm bleeding from scratches, my glasses are dirty from falling in the dirt and I am stuck. There is nothing left to do but to crawl. So I crawl. Through the sticker bushes. Through the leaves and the branches. Through whatever else in on the floor of an overgrown woods where a raccoon just decomposed. But I make it to the parking lot, then to my feet and finally back inside with just minutes before the kids come back from their lunch. I actually pass two people I know who both said "Hi." When I get to the bathroom I wonder what's wrong with them? My hair is sticking out crazy like, I have blood on my face and mask, my jeans have blood on the knees and both hands are bleeding. I do NOT normally look quite this crazy! Fortunately, three of my wonderful teammates are off this period. One covers my class, the other two get me a new hairband and some water. Then start laughing when they read my button on my lanyard - "Gravity gets me Down." I'm bruised and sore now but the skull looks great once I cleaned it (and glued the teeth back that got knocked out back in)! https://imgur.com/a/jbePHm8 TL;DR: Wanted a raccoon skull from the woods, almost got stuck out there for hours.

TIFU by helping a desperate woman

I got scammed by a desperate mom. I work evenings at a hotel. A couple of nights ago I received a call from the front desk at a neighboring property, telling me about a lady who was in their lobby. To sum up the situation: this lady was a local who said her pipes had frozen and burst, causing a flood in her home which she rents. The landlord was out of town for the holidays and she needed a place to stay. She had 4 kids with her as well. The front desk attendant explained to me her manager wasn't on duty so she couldn't get permission to lower the room rates and was asking what my property's rates were. I said I had permission to lower rates in certain circumstances and to send the guest my way. She told me how grateful the guest sounded after being told this and to expect her shortly, as she only had a certain amount of money. A few moments later, this visibly distraught woman appeared in my lobby and I proceeded to offer my condolences on the situation. She thanked me and even showed me pictures of the damage. She then went on to ask what my rates were and if she'd be allowed to stay 2 nights. I explained we'd need a card to be authorized for the full 2 nights plus tax, and I saw her face drop. The woman asked me if there was any way possible to only authorize one, as she gets paid shortly and the rest of the funds would be on her card by checkout time. Let me be *clear*. I know the policy. I also know what it is like to be in a bad situation and seemingly alone with nobody who can help. So I decided to authorize her card for one night and made keys for the room for two. She thanked me multiple times and I felt good about myself that I was in a position to help. This good feeling only lasted a short while, however. 2 days later I received a call from my general manager at home informing me this lady and her 4 kids skipped out on the bill when she came down to ask that her room be extended... and her card declined. Being as how I was the one who checked her in... and chose to *try to do a good deed*, I was responsible for the unpaid nights. This both infuriated me and saddened me. I am not mad with my company, my boss, or even myself. I knew the rules and consequences. What is getting to me is the lack of ethics in this world. Desperate people making unwise choices is one thing. But to take advantage of someone who offers assistance and a listening ear in a troubling time? Lesson learned. Be very careful who you choose to trust. Tl/dr: I didn't follow the policy at work because I felt bad for them and they took advantage of my kindness.

TIFU by opening up to my coworkers while heavily intoxicated

Ok so basically I went to a park with my coworkers at night to have a drink, we bought some booze and snacks. After a few drinks I began to feel really drunk and things became quite fuzzy, couldn't remember much and was, to my knowledge, too drunk Well, the thing is, after fucking around we started to talk about our bodies, mostly because some of my coworkers work out, I'm quite a heavy guy so I began to talk about how hard it is to try a thousand diets and still not being able to loose weight, a little embarrassing but nothing too much really, I could manage. Some time later a girl started talking about something personal, I'm not going to get into it but it was in the topic of relationships, I comforted her, but as soon as I said something like "You are worth more you know that" she said something like "And so do you" and I just, couldn't take it, I said "Nah, I'm not really worth nothing" and then boom, flood gates opened, started saying that I am worthless and that I feel bad, at the verge of crying even, she comforted me and so did my coworkers, I think I really killed the mood that time, I even began to feel bad about it, overthinking what will happen after, tried to do breath exercises and all but thankfully I managed for the moment, It doesn't end there though, I asked to talk to a guy in private about the whole situation, we did, he comforted me but I really feel like this isn't going to be forgotten. Tried to suck it up and then I was fine the rest of the night, we even played some playstation in a guys house that was nearby. After I got home and all I felt like I really fucked up, like I crossed a line, if all of this happened with a friend I would understand it, but with coworkers? Even tho they're cool, I think I just fucked up by crossing that line and over sharing way too much Really feel a lot of shame and guilt right now, I just hope I get to talk about this with my therapist and forget about it. My coworkers and I have a "What happened the weekend stays in the weekend" policy but still, I think I'll be the center of some gossip for a while. Sorry for the broken english, it isn't my first language TL:DR Opened up about how I feel about myself to my coworkers on a night out, can't stop thinking about it and now I feel shame for what I did Edit: Thanks to everyone who told me all these beautiful things, I mean it! Sadly I can't respond to every comment but one thing is for sure I'll try to better my way of thinking as well as myself for the time being Also, didn't expect this level of response, thanks, really! :) UPDATE: I apologized to my coworkers and they all said that it was fine and that It wasn't nothing bad, so happy ending I hope :)

TIFU by taking my car to the mechanic

A week before a scheduled back surgery, my car wouldn't start. Heck, worse than that, the doors wouldn't open with my key fob. Figured out pretty quickly that the battery was dead. No big deal. It was about 3 years old and we've had some extreme weather. I jumped it with my portable jumper and drove to get the battery replaced. Cost $240, ugh. Problem solved, right? Well, two days later, the battery is dead again! My surgery was fast approaching and my parents were going to be in town to help me out, so I figured I'd just wait until after all this was done to take it to my car guy. Surgery went okay-ish. The nurses went on strike and they had an IV pump shortage and I developed a couple of complications. Muddled through. I couldn't drop the car off until I was cleared to drive, but my repair shop is always busy so I called ahead to get an appointment. I'd done a lot of research on what could cause a car battery to die overnight like that. My research told me it was a parasitic battery drain. There were a lot of different things that could cause it. It would be complicated to diagnose. It's not common, but not unheard of in my car model. My car is a 2007 and something was bound to go wrong on it eventually, right? Anyway, my appointment finally rolls around on Tuesday. I jump the car, my dad follows me to the repair place in his car. Lot is full. My mechanic tells me they're slammed and they're going to be closed between Christmas and New Year's, but they'll have my car back to me by Friday. Cool. I hadn't heard from him, so I called him on Friday. The conversation went something like this: Me: "Hey, Donny, it's me. How's my car?” Donny: "Yeah, I was just about to call you." Awkward pause. Me: "So....?" Donny: "The dome light was on." More awkward pause. Me: "... What?" Donny: "Yeah, the interior dome light was on. We turned it off, let your car run for a bit to charge the battery, then checked it two days later, and it started just fine." Me: "... Oh, for fuck's sake." Donny: "Yeah." My parents had since left to go see my sister over her Christmas holiday, so I had to pay for a Lyft to go get my car. That was $20. The idiot tax at my mechanic was $50, which was fair since I took up a valuable appointment slot with my dumbassery. So, yeah. Awesome. I'm still not sure why that dome light was on. I don't think I've ever turned it on. That mystery remains unsolved. TL,DR: Thought my car had a parasitic battery drain. Turns out I somehow turned on the dome light by mistake and didn't notice. Cost me $310 and my dignity.

TIFU by washing very important paperwork

Today I fucked up by deciding to wrap my girlfriend's diamond earrings. I took out the paperwork that showed the cut, clarity, color, etc. It looks sloppy in the box, so I put it in my sweatshirt pocket knowing I would just give it to her later. So then, we went out for dinner and I changed out of the sweatshirt. I had thrown the sweatshirt in the dirty laundry, and when I came back from our date, I grabbed the dirty laundry and threw it in the wash. Later on in the evening, I transitioned the clothing from the washer to the dryer. After the dryer was finished, I noticed a bunch of ripped and torn paperwork in the lint trap. My girlfriend was downstairs dying her hair, and So I asked her if she had maybe left some paperwork in her clothing that I had taken out of the dryer. She said no. So then I started to look at the paperwork, and as I started to open up the part that was legible, I realized it was the certificate for the diamond earrings. I yelled loud as hell "noooo, I'm so fucking stupid." My girlfriend stop when she was doing, and ask me what was wrong. I told her I couldn't tell her right now, and then I immediately tried to contact the company, but of course they are closed and won't be open until tomorrow. I'm hoping that they have my paperwork on file or at least a digital copy that I can provide her. I don't know if it even matters, but to me it does because I want her to know that her diamonds are her diamonds. She could tell I was overly upset, and she kept asking what's wrong, but I told her she'll know after Christmas. TL;DR I ruined paperwork for the proof of expensive diamond earrings I purchased.

TIFU by telling my new partner her friend was beautiful

Guys need advice on how to recover from this fuck up fast. Any excuses or clever recoveries welcomed. I’m a single parent dad, and have been dating this lady for a couple of months now and she is gorgeous, and more importantly just a wonderful lady in every way. I met her friend for the first time, and she’s also a very good looking girl. Anyway.. They use English names rather than their real names, but I always ask them their real name and attempt to say them, out of being nice and because they think it’s funny. So wether it’s old age creeping in or not I dunno, but lately I’ve found I talk shit in my sleep or when I’m just waking. Obviously this can be hilarious as it’s normally quite innocent,although the other morning when my partner woke me with a kiss, I said “Gorgeous” followed by her friends name. Now I can’t be certain but I believe I said her friends proper foreign name perfectly. To make things worse, I can’t say my partners real name perfectly. I attempted to recover and probably made it worse, by asking my partner to pronounce her name for me, you know like hinting I’d made a mistake . They sound nothing alike. Do I say nothing or do I attempt to dig a bigger hole? Thanks in advance TL;DR Called my partners friend beautiful in my sleep

TIFU by trying to explain software to my child an hour after bedtime

My kid and I are watching a movie and in the middle of it, she asks me “is this live action?” I say “yes, this is” (knowing she doesn’t know what live action means and assumes it means with real people because I have failed to explain that previously). Then I realize it is an hour past her bedtime and she is exhausted…this is where I fuck up because there are talking animals in the movie and my child still believes in magic. She asks me “how can that animal talk and move like that” I say the worst thing possible in this situation. I say “CGI” She looks at me and says “what is CGI” I said “computer-generated imagery” She says “I don’t understand those words” — which to be fair; as she’s <10. I say “it is software” I try to explain all of the basic terms I can leading up to the word software in a daisy chain of madness where she is interrupting me every 2 sentences until I finally ask “do you know what virtual means” and she breaks down and yells at me to stop talking because she “doesn’t understand those words” I’m clearly failing at software because I can’t explain it to a child TL;DR - TIFU by trying to explain CGI to a child that doesn’t know what software is

TIFU when I taught my Japanese students about Santa Claus

I apologize for formatting, I'm on mobile. TLDR at the bottom. TIFU by teaching my Japanese students about Santa Claus. I (28f) am a teacher at a preschool (my class is ages 5-6) in Japan. We are encouraged to teach the kids about as many cultures as we have knowledge on, including my own which is American. We had a Christmas event at the school and I have been hyping them up all week with stories of Santa, his reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, ect. Here is where I may have messed up. They have been misbehaving a bit in class, so I told them about how if you are not nice, Santa will give you coal in your stocking. I explained what coal was and we talked about all the ways we can be nice to our friends to avoid it. I also explained you'd still get presents, it would just be in your stocking because I didn't want them to be scared of Santa. Well a few of them took some creative liberties with this idea and have decided that they would roleplay jail (something they've been really into recently for some reason) with a "good" Santa and a "bad" Santa. The part where I really messed up is because I explained that coal is a black rock, so they now call the "bad" Santa, Black Santa. To them it's similar to when there's a clone of the good guy in an anime that they turn the color black and it's now shadow nemesis of that character, so I know it's innocent. But I can't get them to stop saying Black Santa is bad. I have a student in my class whose family is from India, and that's basically their only exposure to someone of such a drastically different skin tone to theirs. But she herself, as well as me refer to her as brown, not black. So they haven't ever had exposure to a human being referred to as black much. As a side note, she does not face any bullying, I instilled acceptance and respect of all kinds very early on in the year because I also have a student with a pacemaker. The kids all love her because she's super kind, and they all think she's awesome because of how good she is at English. I spent days trying to explain that black as a color does not mean bad, and that there is no bad Santa. However, they just love the idea of a "Black Santa" that is a bad guy. I'm hoping that they will forget when they come back from break. So yeah TIFU by teaching my Japanese students about Santa Claus. TDLR: I taught my students about how Santa gives naughty children coal, and now all my kids refer to the bad Santa who gives coal as "Black Santa".

TIFU by buying a purse

Today, I (M19) was planning on going Christmas shopping for my mom, but since the mall I was at didn't have what I was looking for, I decided to go shopping for myself. I found this pretty red and little gold purse by the brand "Kate Spade" and decided to buy it for around 90 bucks (they had a deal on it). I saw people staring at me with the purse on, but I had been expecting that since I live in Florida. I have always wanted to buy a purse for myself, but I never had the guts to do it. Doing so made my confidence feel sky-high, only to drop once I got home. My purse was the only thing my mom (F51) noticed, and when she asked who it was for, I stupidly admitted it was mine. She started laughing, saying it was for women and I should have gotten something a little more manly. My feelings already felt hurt, but then here comes my step-dad (M54), who is a raging LGBT+phobe doing the same thing, except he shamed me for buying it because it is only for women and even some "sissy gay guy" wouldn't even want it. That hurt my feelings because I am a bisexual man in the closet, and I have felt like they have been getting closer to finding out my secret. What do I do? I love this little purse, and I threw away the receipt to have an excuse to keep it. I wish I had thought about it harder before I acted on impulse. ​ TL;DR: TIFU by buying a purse and potentially outing myself. Update: me and my mom got into an argument about it first thing in the morning, she kept saying that I was putting myself in danger so I have to conform to gender norms to get a gf someday. She kept saying my stepdad was going to flip out but his approach was more subtle by saying that he would never say anything to hurt my feelings but… something’s do need to be said and he doesn’t want people to think I’m gay. Update 2: My purse is gone, it was probably my parents and I am just really pissed about it. Thanks for all the advice, I thought hiding it in my car would make sure I could keep it but I guess not.

TIFU for forgetting 12pm means noon and nearly missing a big deadline

Obligatory disclaimer that this happened a few weeks ago just wanted to wait until it no longer made me cry. I (25f) recently went back to school for a post graduate program. The workload has been intense (six courses) and particularly hard with assignments coming left, right centre faster than anyone could keep up. The final four weeks were tough and keeping up with deadlines was like that final lap of Mario kart where the music speeds up and you’re desperately trying not to slip over a banana peel. We have the same professor for courses we’ll call Class 1 and Class 2 who combined the final project for both courses into a two parter — two different assignments but on the same topic and in the same groups just one was written and the other was technical. Each was worth 20% and we had a month to do them — December 9th. I’d worked with this group of friends we’ll call “Jack” “Wendy” “Alice” and “Sarah” before and knew they were good workers. Early on, Jack and Sarah mentioned that they were working and flying home on the due date respectively, and would like us to start early to make sure we get things done. No problem. We pick a topic we really like and things come together fairly quickly. December 8th comes around and the project is going well but everything else has descended into chaos. I have one group presentation going poorly, a bully in another, three WhatsApp group chats blowing up at once and I’m here running solely on too much caffeine and Christmas magic. We have a meeting with the professor over zoom about part one who confirms that we’re on the right track and we feel ready to submit at midnight the following day. December 9th comes around (yes, we have classes on Saturdays and yes it sucks as much as you think) and Sarah wishes us well as she boards her flight and the rest of us have a meeting at 2:30 pm. We get on zoom with the professor to talk about our progress who, after some small talk, asks us if we made our submission. Every single one of us is momentarily confused before confirming yes, we submitted the supplementary peer review. The professor nods and then asks us again. We stared blankly at one another (to the extent that we could through our cameras) wondering why she was asking if we had made a submission for an assignment due at midnight. It was Jack who finally said “you mean the one due tonight?” To which the professor said “No, I mean the term assignment for Class 1.” Jack repeats himself “it’s not due until midnight though? You mean the peer review?” and I add “no, I checked, it’s due at twelve.” and it’s then that it hits me. Part one was due at 12:00 pm. Meaning noon aka two and a half hours ago. Part two is due at midnight. To make matters worse, I’d checked this the previous night and freaking registered that it meant noon and somehow still forgot. But it wasn’t just me, somehow we’d all missed it because were used to our stuff being due at midnight and we assumed both of these would be the same. You could have heard a pin drop in that zoom call. There were several seconds of panic before Jack and I call out in shock. Alice and Wendy aren’t speaking. I’m thinking about how Sarah’s on a plane for the next ten hours and how in the hell are we going to explain this? She’s never going to speak to me again. The professor realizes what’s happened and tells us not to worry. She’s allowed for late submissions in case people had issues submitting online or needed last minute help. She also extended part two (the one actually due that night) by a day because of how burnt out and exhausted we all look, basically. She’s always been a super kind and understanding person so this reaction wasn’t out of left field. When we get off the call (and I’ve stopped crying like a three year old) we take a minute to recover from the shock before pulling together, making adjustments, and submitting our work. We laugh about it now, but yeah…write down your deadlines, kids. Happy holidays everyone! TLDR: Five adults on a group project forgot that 12:00 pm means noon/midday, not midnight, and nearly missed a submission worth 20% of our grade, heart attacks ensue.

TIFU by turning spicy times with the wife extra spicy

Ok this is gonna sound tramatic but here is the story. My wife I love here to death and she was wanting one of her favorite meals. Shrimps and grits with a spicy pepper sauce. So I go about preparing this while she is out. I peel the ship and use the shells to make a stock for the grits. I go and wash my hands not wanting my hands to smell like low tide. I then take a few peppers and scrape the seeds out with my nails. I then chop them add them to a skillet with melted butter, and roast them and a few other more mild peppers for flavor. Toss in garlic, corn and made this nice sauce. Next part I make her a nice plate roasted shrimp laid on the grits. I begin pooring the sauce over her plate and she is coming in the door. She sees the food and she begins crying because she was so happy for this. Well I go and start putting the leftovers away and go to the bathroom and trim my nails as I realized I let them grow out a little long. She finished her plate comes in and brushes her teeth while I am smoothing down my trimmed nails. She tells me bedroom now. I said I probably don't smell that great from cooking seafood. Well she just repeated now so yes we go to the bedroom. Where this goes wrong. She decides to shove me to the bed. She was ready and she is a fan of manual stimulation. So she is getting warmed up and then her face went from extasy to red and angry . She was screaming what peppers did you use. I was like habenero and sweets. She has backed her bottom to the fan and then runs screaming to the bathroom showering. She was crying. Power washing her V. I ask her if she is ok. She said she was and will just be in the shower for a bit. I took this time to get some ice cream and cheese cake for her. I comeback and she is sitting on the couch holding a pillow to her chest. She is there sitting with the thousand yard stare of a veteran who watched his whole platoon get eradicated and was told that he gets to live to tell his superiors what happened that day. I offered her the cheese cake she just sadly nodded and the took the plate with a small helping of ice cream. She just finished her plate and when I came to take the plate she motioned for a hug. I lean in and she grabs my head and holds the spoon to my throat. "If you ever do this again I will end you they will be finding your body for months". I think I might have screwed up guys TL;DR I got side tracked and didn't was my hands after deseeding peppers!

TIFU By not going to the bathroom when I had the chance

So yesterday was my (36M) birthday. My wife (30F) and I are from Michigan (U.S.) and decided to try something new and drove to London Ontario (Canada). We bar hopped and got a hotel to stay the night. Despite drinking quite a bit I woke up feeling pretty good. We left the hotel and picked up McDonalds for breakfast. We got back on the road and shortly after that I felt the sudden need to “go”. It was definitely the alcohol shits. The feeling went away a few minutes later. I decided I could likely make the hour and a half drive back home without stopping. The feeling kept coming back periodically. I saw a sign for a rest stop along the highway. I pull in and realize it’s only a large parking lot for trucks and two outhouses. It was cold, windy and raining. I didn’t have to go THAT bad. So we kept driving. The whole way back there were no towns and only a few exits with no restaurants or gas stations within view of the highway. We are approaching Sarnia where we will go over the bridge to get back to Michigan. We also have to go through customs on the U.S. side of the bridge. We pass a digital sign on the highway that says there is “minimum” passenger vehicle traffic at customs. I think “ok great, we will breeze through customs and I’ll stop at the rest stop that’s just on the other side of the bridge.” We pull up to the toll booth at the bridge. I see a bathroom just before the tolls. I should have stopped here. What difference does it make what country I shit in? But I was stubborn and decided to just pay the toll and get on the bridge. Once you get past the tolls you MUST go through U.S. customs. It’s not even possible to turn around as we are on the west bound span of the bridge. There are actually 2 spans - 1 for each direction. The bridge is pretty big. Big enough that freighters can pass under it. It’s still cold, raining and even windier now that we are up high in the air. We make it about half way over the bridge. The lane for truck traffic starts backing up. I get a little nervous but so far our passenger vehicle lane is moving along just fine. We make it over the highest point of the bridge and start descending down. And there it is - our lane starts back up. There is probably a hundred cars ahead of us. Traffic is crawling. It looks like there is only 3 customs booths open. I immediately regret not stopping earlier. Simultaneously my stomach starts acting up again. Only worse and more urgent feeling. I don’t think I’m going to make it. Panic sets in. I don’t know if it’s the nervousness or me trying to hold “it” in. It’s probably both and I start shaking. I tell my wife I don’t think I can wait. She tries to distract me by talking about what we have to do in the upcoming week. Bless her heart but I think it somehow made it worse. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe this is happening” I say out loud. I would kill for a cold, damp outhouse right now. I start getting hot. I take my jacket off. Traffic is barely moving. I decide I’m going to get out and squat down between our jeep and the vehicle in front of us. But is that a good idea? We are at an international border crossing. I’m sure there are cameras along the bridge. What if the driver in front of us sees me? What will they do? “Babe you can’t shit on the bridge, you just can’t. Go in this bag!” My wife grabs the paper bag from McDonalds. “That’s not going to be enough” I tell her. Based on how my stomach felt I had no confidence in the bag’s ability to stay together and not let the future contents soak through. “Use the cup then” she says referring to the large McDonald’s cup of soda I had. Is she crazy? That cup is too narrow. What if I position it wrong? I can’t risk missing the opening. My wife looks in the back of the jeep and finds a plastic grocery bag. It has a small hole in the bottom. “Here, use the bags together. You can’t go outside, you just can’t! Go in the back of the jeep!” She says. I have to decide now. I can’t wait any longer. She’s right, I can’t risk going outside and causing issues with customs. We are also 150ft up in the air, the wind is gusting and it’s raining pretty good. Not ideal. I climb into the back of our 2 door Jeep. Luckily we had taken the back seats out so I have plenty of room. I wonder if the driver behind us can see through the tinted soft top windows. “I don’t even know how I’m going to do this - I have nothing to sit on!” I say. My wife climbs over and gets in the driver seat. Traffic keeps creeping ahead. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m sorry babe” I tell my wife. I take the McDonalds bag and put it inside the plastic bag. I make sure they are as open as possible. I undo my pants and kneel down. I’ll spare you any other details. It goes surprisingly well. It wasn’t as violent as I thought it would be and both bags hold up. “Oh my god, babe roll down the windows”. My poor wife starts gagging. She pulls her hoody up over her nose and manages to keep it together. But now the rain is blowing in and it’s cold. But honestly I feel so relieved. I carefully tie up the plastic bag and put it at the far back of the jeep. I take my jacket and lay it over the bag. I climb into the front passenger seat. I can’t believe what just happened. And I can’t believe it went as good as it did. No messes at all. We both just start laughing. It still stinks. The wind is blowing the rain through my wife’s open window. She tries to roll it up part way but it starts smelling worse. We are moving closer to the customs booths. There are still probably 50 cars ahead of us but now there are definitely cameras in view. My wife already has irrational anxiety about going through customs. I was suppose to be driving. She has tears rolling down her face from laughing. But customs might think she was crying for some other reason. “Should we switch seats? She asks. “I don’t know, what if they see us on camera and get suspicious of us? I’m sorry but you’re just going to have to stick it out babe” I say. We continue to creep closer. Now we can see that they are randomly inspecting car trunks and going inside of RVs. “Oh my god what if they want to open the back hatch and to see inside?” She asks. “I guess you’re just going to have to tell them what happened. It’s not like we broke any laws or did anything wrong”. We both start laughing again as we imagine how this conversation could unfold. We pull up to the customs officer. He’s friendly, my wife holds it together and we go through without any trouble. We speed up to get back on the highway - windows down still. The wind does nothing but whip up the smell even worse. Thankfully that rest stop was only a mile ahead and we pull in and drop of the bag. I know we’ll never forget this happening. It’s probably the hardest my wife and I have ever laughed together. TL;DR I had the alcohol shits, didn’t go to the bathroom when I had the chance and had to do my business in a bag at an international border crossing.

TIFU by taking a bunch of ambien to make sure I can sleep early for an important appointment

I have "finally" a story to tell on here. Last night I took some ambien because I had an important appointment early in the morning. Having read horror stories of people taking ambien and doing crazy things like being half asleep and ruining the kitchen because in their blackout ambien tends to cause very weird behaviour. So I did the responsible thing, take the ambien, lie down in bed and hopefully fall asleep quickly. Now here is the fuck up: the next morning I woke up, extremely thirsty, and grab the bottle next to me and take a big gulp. But apparently in my groggy blackout state I must have thought it was a grand idea to, instead of going to the toilet, pee in the empty bottle next to me. So yeah, I took a big gulp of piss. Almost threw up. And to top it all of I slept through 3 alarms and missed my appointment. On the bright side this day can only get better from here on. Tl,Dr took ambien, blackout peed in bottle, drank from bottle the next day

TIFU by checking my dad's phone

Hello there, English is not my first language, so sorry if there are any mistakes. I (19F) live with my parents (51M) and (50F), they have always been good at parenting, the problem comes with them as a couple, let's just say I am basically their personal therapist. I don't mind, what I do mind is that my dad has always had this misogynistic attitude, my mom and I have discussed this, and he fits the part of a narcissist, but we still love him dearly. The other issue is that, it is well known in our family that his friends share a lot of NSFW content in their friend group chat, and it has been that way my hole life. Both my parents have deviated the blamed towards his friends and not my dad's way, but it has always rubbed me the wrong way. Last year a friend of my talked to me about his family issues and turn out his dad had been cheating on his mom and had another hole family, and while he was telling me this, I started realizing that my dad would show some behaviors that this man would, so I got suspicious, and with time even got used to thinking that maybe my dad had been cheating on my mom, though I never confirmed it. Another thing about my dad, he is REALLY protective of his passwords, which was one of the main things that made me suspicious, and to this day I don't know the password to his phone, but I do to his iPad, since I would watch from the corner of my eye at him whenever he would log in, and it turned out to be quite easy, so this Sunday both my parents had to go out to but some groceries and I stayed at home, and thought “The iPad is here, I know the password, and I know he has Instagram in his iPad, I should log in and snoop around”. So I did, and turns out he has 3 accounts, one that is the 1 we all know, 2 which is the one he uses to follow food services, celebrities, …, and the important one here, the one where he follows a LOT of woman, of all type, pole dancers, strippers, escorts, etc (no shame on them, you do you girl). No biggie, right? Well that was until I entered his DMs and started crying… he had several conversations with multiple escorts asking to book a meeting, for a couple of months now (since September), one specially where there are bank receipts he sent to her with the paid amount, I took photos of everything with my phone and acted like nothing had happened, but I feel awful… I wish I hadn't seen what I have, I wish I didn't have this constant necessity of checking the chats in his phone to see what's there, because if that was in his Insta, what else could be in there? I am just so devastated, I am sure my mom doesn't know, and I don't know if I should tell her or how I could tell her, I can't sleep at nights and when I do all I dream about is me telling my mom and all my life ruined. Furthermore, I just wished I had never checked, I wish it had stayed as a "maybe he is cheating", instead of "how do I tell my mom?". Besides, I need more proof to tell my mom because the chats on Insta would stop after he would pass them his phone number. I just want to forget everything happened. TL;DR: My dad has always been secretive about his phone and passwords, when I found out his iPad password I logged in while he wasn't home and found out he has been cheating on my mom for some months now, and I don't know how to tell her or what to do.

TIFU by Getting my Grandma "Love, Actually" Because She Wanted a Christmas Movie

I've never watched Love, Actually. All I knew was that it was a Romcom and it was set on Christmas. I figured it couldn't be that bad. I remember seeing moms taking their middle school daughters to see it in the theater. About a week ago my grandma said she wanted more Christmas movies. It was only $1 to rent so I grabbed it and told my gran she'd probably like it. It's two hours later, I'm home now, thinking everything is fine when I get a call from her. I pick up and the first thing she says is, and I quote, "Why did you get me a dirty movie?" Of course I choke on air because I'm thinking Oh dear God, what happened? And then she explains the movie to me. Turns out there were *multiple* sex centered storylines including one about a porn star that ends with a naked Martin Freeman. It was only after I looked it up on IMDB that I realized it was rated R and a little hard-core by romcom standards. I had no idea about any of this. I just saw Hugh Grant on the cover and thought "My Gran loves him." And she did. Just not the rest of the movie that apparently had a lot of titties. Needless to say, coming to pick the movie up from my grandma the next day was awkward. It was even worse going back to the video store and the lady at the counter gave me a judgy look as I handed the case back to her. I will now and forever check over the movies I get for my gran on IMDB to make sure I don't have to talk about "dirty movies" with my gran again. TL;DR TIFU by Getting my grandma Love, Actually which had way more porn stuff in it than I thought a movie with Hugh Grant in it would. *Edit: It was Martin Freeman, not Woody Harrelson. I have no idea how I got that name.*

TIFU by giving my boss the wrong mug

I would’ve posted this when it originally happened but I was not familiar with Reddit yet, and this is a Christmas story so I figure what better time then now. For some context, at the time I was working at a fabric shop and my boss was my best friends mom. She’s genuinely a great boss, and friend. She made the work environment very fun. So for Christmas last year I went to the mall to get Christmas presents and stopped in Spencer’s. I saw this mug that said “worlds best boss”, there was a white one (which was the one I had originally read) and there was also a black one. I thought this would be the perfect gift for my boss, and I thought she would absolutely love it. I chose the black one because I thought “I think she will like the contrast of the black one better” I was sooo excited to give her this, I brought it home and wrapped it immediately. I told my best friend about it and asked if she thought her mom would like it, just to be sure. I was visibly excited about it when speaking to her about it, and I just could not wait to gift her this. My best friend was like “yeah Meg, I know she will love anything you give her” so I thought, sweet this is going to be awesome. So the last day before the Christmas break came and I gave her this mug all wrapped up in private (I didn’t want my coworkers to think I was sucking up to her) it was a busy day, being just before Christmas so she brought it home to open. I was eagerly waiting for my best friend to message me and tell me what her mom thought. So she messages me and she says “uhm, Meg. What was on that mug?” And here I am thinking oh no, did I get something on it while wrapping? I thought maybe there was a smudge or something on it. So naturally I started to panic. I said to her “what do mean?” And she goes “what was that mug supposed to say” and at this point I’m very confused because I had already told her what the mug said. I reply “it says worlds best boss, right?” And then she sends me a picture of this mug. In big, bold, white writing it says “WORLDS WORST BOSS” I could not believe my eyes. I was so excited to get her the mug that I didn’t think to read what it said. The white mug did say worlds best boss and I had just assumed the black mug said that same thing. But NOPE. I gave my boss a worlds worst boss mug. I was sooo embarrassed and started apologizing over and over again, and my boss just thought it was the funniest thing. Thankfully, she is genuinely a great boss and knows me well. She understood that I got excited and grabbed the mug without thinking twice. If this was any other boss, I could’ve just bought myself a one way ticket to being fired. We still laugh about this, and she actually uses the mug all the time. Just remember when doing your Christmas shopping this year, DO A DOUBLE TAKE. TL;DR i accidentally gave my boss a mug for Christmas that says “worlds worst boss”

TIFU by spreading misinformation to millions of people.

I made a Quora when I was in highschool back in like 2017. Basically all I would do was answer questions about mostly bugs with incorrect information cause I was a bored highschooler. I pretended to be a biologist to get more credibility. I just opened it for the first time in years and it has millions of views on my answers. I am the top answer for a ton of questions with some of my answers having hundreds of thousands of views. Like I answered a question about wasps with blantanly incorrect information and it is the most liked answer with 780,000 views. Hundreds of thousands of peole have incorrect information on wasps because of me. Some of my answers were just obvious jokes, but some of them I made seem really reliable and looked up actually biological information about bugs to give plausible reasons as to why my incorrect information was accurate. I have spread more Information on bugs then most scientists will in their life time and all of it is lies. What have I done. TLDR: When in Highschool I made up lies online about bugs while pretending to be a biologist. I just opened my Quora account for the first time in years to realize my lies have millions of views and are the top answers for many questions.

TIFU by opening a diet coke can

So I (23F) work a front desk job, some of my co-workers like to stop by and chat. Today, one co-worker (we’ll call her Ava, fake name) stops by to share an add in she likes to add to her diet coke. She mentions that she has a couple in the staff fridge but they are starting to freeze. She makes her diet coke and I say I’d like one too. Ava goes and gets it for me and hands it to me, I take it and I realize it’s FROZEN. She brings me a cup of ice and the add in she likes. I go to open the can (completely and utterly oblivious to the repercussions of it being frozen since Ava turned out fine) and it EXPLODES. It made the loudest boom noise in our quiet office, clients in the waiting room completely ignoring what just happened. There it was, all over my computer, my paperwork and the explosion was SO big that it got high up on the walls and ALL OVER the median we have separating the front desk people and clients. We both froze because we cannot believe what just unfortunately occurred. It gets all over me (of course I wore white today) and my pants. Ava laughs as we both process the big boom. She laughs down our hallway as she retrieves paper towels, recruiting another co-worker (we’ll call him Alan) to come see what just occurred. Luckily, they both helped clean up and de-cokeify the area. While my bosses allowed me to run home quickly— I wanted to exhaust all my options before I make the decision to leave work since I was the only front desk person here and did not want to leave right away. I called my mom and sister to try and see if they could bring me another top, they did not want to as they did not want to stray from their errands. Luckily, another co-worker who is coming in a bit later today offered to bring me a top. As of right now, I am sticky. TL;DR A diet coke can exploded all over me and my work area and now, I am sticky until my friend can come save me with a new top. LOL.

TIFU by not using the bathroom before a ropes course

Happened a long time ago but I still think about it often and cringe every time. I was about 7 or 8 and my whole family (me, parents, 2 siblings) went to a ropes course as a family outing. For those who don’t know, these courses involve a full body harness that attaches you to a steel cable that runs along the whole thing, and for these specific ones we were pretty high up in the trees and they were decently long each course about 30 minutes start to finish. I was with my dad, we were a little bit into one of the longer routes and I got the quick & intense urge to pee. Like, the squatting on the ground holding my crotch and squirming type. Mind you I was a kid, so I hadn’t gotten full control of my bladder yet and hadn’t realized the importance of relieving myself before these types of activities. My dad and I were on a platform attached to a tall tree, tall enough that there was another platform about 10 feet below us. I was almost in tears and I told my dad I couldn’t hold it anymore, but there were people in front/behind us and there was no way down without finishing the course. My dad was cursing and telling me to hold it when I relieved myself, I immediately soaked my pink leggings and the stuff started pooling onto the platform we were standing on. All of the platforms in the park were wood and they were designed so there was about an inch of space between each plank. I can still picture it over 10 years later, I watched my pee trickle through the gaps and onto the heads of a group of people below us. I know my dad saw it too, but he said nothing and we finished the course before I ran to the bathroom to change. I still to this day wonder if those people even noticed (everyone on the course is required to wear a helmet) but I cringe deeply remembering how I literally peed on a group of strangers. TLDR: I didn’t pee before a long ropes course and ended up having an accident all over a group of strangers below me.

TIFU by going to see some Christmas lights

I, M19 planned a date with my gf F18 to go see a Christmas lights show at a nearby neighborhood. I excitedly get ready for this date by getting a fresh fade, putting on a nice dress shirt and pants, putting on cologne, and even got her flowers, which she was super happy about. After picking my gf up, we go to a gas station to fill up on gas before going to the lights show. I ask her if she wants to go inside the store to get anything before we go and she obliges and we ended buying an iced latte (important ) which we shared together. We both drink out of it while I drive otw to our destination. While waiting in a long line of cars to enter (drive through) the lights show, I notice a slight urge to pee. My gf asks if I can hold it, and for the time being, I could. As time goes on, however I ever so increasingly feel the desperate urge to relieve myself, but not wanting to lose our spot in the long line of cars, I hold it in uncomfortably. An hour goes by and we enter the lights show and my bladder feels like it is about to explode. My gf notices, and I get the idea to pee in the iced latte cup that we shared. My gf, grossed out by the idea, says she will look away and offered me a napkin as she does not want to ruin the romantic image she has of me. I drive along the route, searching for a dark place to park so I can do my business. I find one, and begin to relieve myself in the 12 oz cup while still in the drivers seat. The feeling is GREAT after having held it in so long, however I begin to notice that my dick starts to feel real warm. I realize that my dick is actually SUBMERGED in the piss at this point and the piss in the cup begins over flowing onto the car seat. I realize the piss is also leaking on to my hand as well and in a panic, I throw the cup while in the car and it splashes all over me and my gf in our nice clean outfits. We spent the next 20 min cleaning ourselves with a single paper napkin before continuing with the lights show. Im never peeing again. My gf, surprisingly wasn't upset with me too much. I love her. TL;DR pissed in a cup and it fell all over me and my gf

TIFU by treating my friend like her suitcase [UPDATE]

Previous post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18js6vf/tifu\_by\_treating\_my\_friend\_like\_her\_suitcase/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18js6vf/tifu_by_treating_my_friend_like_her_suitcase/) Hello again! A bunch of people from my previous post wanted to know how my friend who was carried around like luggage was going to get revenge. I just found out how. And it turns out she plays dirty. The previous time she'd decided she needed payback we went to Taco Bell, she got to the bathroom first and stole all the toilet paper. Then she made me sing a song before she'd give any back. This time? This time she's managed to out-do herself. When I was a much younger Ulfr I went to a summer camp. At said summer camp they offered horseback riding lessons! Naturally I was curious and gave it a whirl. I wound up with a skittish horse who decided trotting was for sissies and went from walking immediately to ~~a canter. A canter is when it's most difficult to ride a horse.~~ way too fast for my liking. I think I was 13. Wound up falling off the horse and fell directly onto a fence, with my head making solid contact with a post. My helmet did its job and broke, rather than my skull taking the impact. My boxers however were not recoverable. I did not get back on that particular horse that particular day as I was concussed and concussed teenagers aren't supposed to get back on horses. This has led me up until now having a very healthy respect for horses. Because I can't admit I'm scared of anything or my man card gets taken away. My friend, the lovely human being and dedicated horse girl that she is, decided it's been long enough and I just need to get back into it. Little did I know she had a plan. Friend and I go to the stable she used to hang out a lot at and introduced me to some of the people there. The bastards. Explained my dilemma and my very healthy respect for horses, and all of the horse folk put their heads together and landed on a particular horse. They put me on a huge horse named Scooby. I was even told what all the fancy straps and stuff are and what they're for. I absorbed none of the information. Due to the VERY healthy respect I was feeling. Which really didn't matter because this was a one time thing and I was going to go back to letting the horse folk do their thing while I played with animals who don't come in Costco sizes. Scooby and me got along just fine, up to and including the mounting process. Heck, even the ride was kind of fun! Terrifying, but I didn't have a bad time. Mostly because Scooby is also the noob horse. Perpetually unruffled, he just does his thing no matter what the idiot on his back does. What all of the staff and my friend had neglected to mention was the most important part of horseback riding. Getting off the horse. Me and Scooby were just moseying about while other people and horses did their thing, and it was all good! I was even having fun. Right around when places I didn't even know I had started protesting, I realized something very important. I wanted down. And everyone had disappeared. There was not a soul around. Just me and Scooby. Scooby is TALL. I'd been had. I tried calling out for someone. "Ha, ha. Very funny. I want down now." Crickets. I figured folks were watching and would intervene if something horrible happened, but clearly the object lesson here is there's always a bigger fish or something along those lines. Time to take my medicine. So I did the best that I could. I got one foot out of one stirrup and attempted to climb down. Horse is too tall for me to just step down. My foot is now stuck in the other stirrup while I'm holding the grippy part of the saddle trying to figure out what it is I'm doing. At this point Scooby turns his enormous noggin to look at me like, "What in the world are you doing and why did they let an idiot on board." So I pull myself up using the grippy part of the saddle and free my other foot from the only stirrup keeping me up there. Which means my feet had nothing to hold me up. The grippy part of the saddle didn't quite give me enough leverage to ease my way down so I promptly fell into the surprisingly soft and cushiony ground. Scooby being the good boy that he was had time to check on me before the stable folk and my friend all appeared as if from nowhere, pissing themselves laughing. Yes, there is video. No, I am NOT sharing it. NOTE: I was assured after the fact, at length, that people were close enough to assist in the event I actually started freaking out or if something looked like it was going to hurt me or the horse. Horse people have a very twisted sense of humor and I was assured this was not the first time a small girl got revenge on a large guy in this fashion. I was also assured that this was out of concern for the horse. I was also casually informed about the correct method, which as it turns out involves removing BOTH feet from the stirrups and then jumping down. TL;DR: Friend who got picked up and treated like luggage at the airport got revenge in a fashion unique to horse girls. Put me on a very large, very placid horse and left me to figure out how to dismount on my own. I fell.

TIFU by googling my church

Hi, details will be more obscured for safety reasons. I apologize for the formatting, I am on a phone. I know there is no ‘victim blaming’, but this was definitely preventable so I think that this post still follows the group rules. Context: I am a young woman that is still dependent on my parents to provide for me (Yes, I am old enough to be on this website). I grew up religious, but as I aged I started questioning my faith due to unrelated factors and trauma. I also was questioning my sexuality which caused significant issues with my faith and family, as I am forced to keep all of this a secret from them due to their political and religious extremist beliefs. This, however, is not where the issue lies. My fuck up: I was discussing some of my issues to my friend online (online mutual from someone I know in real life) , talking mostly about what I already mentioned. Curious, he asked more about the church I grew up in and am still stuck being a part of. Being lazy, I thought, “Why not send the Wikipedia page on it?” This way, it won’t be the extremely filtered, biased description of the church itself. So I sent it, and realized there was a tab dedicated to controversy. Now, I have a problem I am aware of- hyper research. *I knew I shouldn’t have clicked it. But I did anyway.* Let me preface this quickly by saying I’m not really a conspiracy theorist. Yes, I find them interesting, but I don’t legitimately believe in many conspiracies if any. But what I saw was so bad because I knew it was possible. At first, there was the usual millions of dollars in assets and collateral being used, which, typical. But then I got to the real bulk. I should’ve stopped after the first example of people speaking out against the head powers of the church in the far East, where the place is headquartered, and showing up murdered or dead soon after, but I didn’t. My real fuck up was continuing reading. There were so many people. If you’ve ever properly used Wikipedia, you should know there are links to where the information was collected. And I checked them out. I watched most of a documentary on this church, and I feel sick every time I think about it. Despite this, I kept looking at these things. Two different ex-members were granted asylum in Canada based off of fear from the violence of current members. While I’m not in the country that all happened, I am still mortified at what I read and watched. I fucked up by continuing my research, even though I still have to go to this place at least twice a week, or else be kicked out when I have no where else to go and can’t afford my own place. TLDR; I kept researching about the atrocities committed by the members of my church that I’m stuck in, in another country, knowing full-well that it would only make my life worse. Edit: Thank you to everyone who gave advice or support, and all that suggested I keep sharing some of the wild things that go on in my life (to the appropriate subreddit of course). I’m planning on doing so as listening to others tell stories like mine helped me realize how bad my situation was a few years back. I already posted about some of my issues with my hyper-religious mom in TrueOffMyChest. To anyone saying “not a fuck up”, while I agree that it’s good I now have this awareness, I now have even more anxiety than before when I am forced to participate in the many activities my cult holds. I was already planning to move out asap and go low contact with my family, so all this added to was my declining mental state. I do agree that knowledge is power! But only when it’s actually useful… Again, thanks to all that were helpful or concerned or just reacted to the craziness! I’m genuinely glad some people were able to find this entertaining or the like. Sorry I can’t respond to all the comments! Happy holidays everyone.

TIFU tried to hide from maintenance

This happened a couple days ago. I have social anxiety. Maintenance was supposed to come and fix something with the thermostat. The thing is they were supposed to come at 1 pm. My plan was to leave for a walk before that so I wouldn’t be home. At about 9.30 am the door rings. I freak out and jump out of bed and go to the bathroom. The maintenance guy knocks and then comes in, knocks again saying what he is here to do a couple times. Mind you I’m now in the dark bathroom and I didn’t even close the door properly. He goes to fix the thermostat in another room. I hear him walking past the bathroom and boom. Suddenly the door opens. There is a guy looking at me. It felt like a dream. I had just hoped that no one opens the door. I was like are you f**ng serious, this can’t be happening. He says ”Ahh I thought no one was here.” He pauses, obviously flabbergasted and tries to say something. ”I’m here to fix the thermostat.” I just answer ”yeah”. I’m panic texting my mom during it. I should’ve tried to explain to him that I’m there with my cat because he’s scared or something but the words didn’t come out. He goes away and when he leaves he just says yells something like ”All ready, bye”. The most embarrassing shit I’ve ever experienced. TLDR: tried to hide from maintenance in the bathroom, maintenance guy opened the door and saw me.

TIFU by checking on the Christmas gifts bought yesterday and noticed I left the one for my Fiancée's grandmother at the mall

Went to do some Christmas shopping yesterday. Mind you this was actually attempt number 2 to go Christmas shopping since Sunday was the most packed I have ever seen a mall in my life. Said to my fiancé, why don't we take halfway on Tuesday and go to the mall when it shouldn't be as crowded. Turns out the mall is almost as crowded on Tuesday's as it is on the weekends. A full day of shopping has been conducted. Got through almost everything needed, with one last store to go. Naturally had a lot of bags and went to consolidate the bags I was holding. During that time, I failed to notice that I had left the gift for my fiancée's grandmother off to the side and this morning when she went to get the gift asked me "where is the gift in the red bag?" ​ Heart sank to the floor. Now I will most likely be buying the exact gift again, or hopefully finding it in the mall... Merry Christmas! ​ TL;DR went to go shopping and forgot one of the most important gifts for Fiancé's grandma edit: the gift has been found and recovered! Left it at Paper Source which might be the single best place to have left an item at.

TIFU by pretending to be mute on an airplane

This happened a while ago but I still cringe when I think about it. I hopped on a short flight from Dallas to San Antonio to visit my brother. I ended up on an aisle seat towards the very back of a packed plane. As I sat, the guy seated next to me was busy and I decided not to bug him with the quick hello or the classic "business or pleasure" question that people tend to ask. About 15 minutes into the flight I began to eat one of those very dry Biscoff crackers. Without water on hand, I realized I over committed my salivary gland for some real work. Of course, at this exact moment, my seat mate begins his opening introduction. I nod to him and smile, but I was not about to open my mouth to pepper him with Biscoff cracker dust. Unaware of my dilemma, he asks me a question. I motion to my throat with my hand to suggest I was finishing a bite. His eyes go large and he quickly apologizes and turns red in the face with embarrassment. I was surprised by his reaction and thought his response was a little over the top. A few seconds later I realized that he thought I was motioning that I could not speak. No problem, I would clarify everything as soon as I could swallow my cracker. Unfortunately, this cracker must have been made from some properties that send all moisture to another dimension. As I waited, the stewardess came to save the day with a drink cart. She asked me what I wanted to drink I just pointed at a sprite can. As I did this, my seatmate clarified my choice by verbally telling the stewardess my selection. I could tell that he felt a sense of accomplishment that he was able to help me communicate given my perceived disability. Maybe it made him feel better after having asked me a question that I was unable to answer. As the flight continued, I realized that I accidently committed myself to becoming mute. I was at the point of no return so I figured I would just go with it. I didn't want to make him feel stupid. He began to tell me a couple things about his family. He mentioned a relative with a similar impairment following a stroke. He also showed me a picture of his dog on his phone. He knew I could not respond so he never asked me any questions. I just nodded and smiled at anything he said to be polite, not uttering a sound. Eventually our plane lands. By this time I forgot about my act. I sat patiently as people began to de-plane. Being at the very back of the plane, I knew I had to wait so I remained seated. My phone vibrates, I see that it is my brother calling me. I accept the call and enthusiastically say "Whats up? I just Landed! Give me about 10 minutes and I will meet you out front!" My memory sends me a notice a little too late to remind me that I am supposed to be playing the role of mute person on this plane. I slowly look over to me seat mate to see if he really even noticed. His head was directly aimed at me. He had the most disgusted look on his face, like I punched a baby bunny. I began to turn red. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't think of anything to say to make the moment less awkward. A part of my brain that does not get outside much convinced me to get out of the plane quickly. I turned that thought into action and I quickly got out of my chair and grabbed my backpack. I looked back at the guy and I can confirm that he was more committed to maintaining his disgusted expression than I was at being mute. I quickly looked at the person in front of me standing in the aisle. I could go nowhere. I remained standing for about another eternity until the line started to ease up. I finally made my escape but this moment still haunts me. TL;DR : After a miscommunication, I pretended to be mute on a plane so I would not embarrass my seat mate. My brother broke my cover when I took his phone call upon landing. My seat mate communicated with his face how disgusted he was with my act. ​

TIFU by telling my cousin that he unlocked a new k!nk for me

So as the title reads, yeah I (23m) fucked up probably the most important current relationship that I have. So, I have this cousin (22m) that I am super close to, like we are best friends and have been inseperable for quite some time. He has become one of those ppl you can spend 24/7 with and still never tire of them. Which is how we have been, so close that I could tell him anything without even thinking about it, which is what I did, and we havent talked all day, which is unusual for us. So I guess I should preface this by saying that I have, some weird interests, you could say, and certain things really rub my brain the right way. But most of the time these things are not completely sexual, and I don't get arousal from them, which is my argument here. So I recently got promoted at work, and with that has been some new income. And I just been spending it on him because it makes me happy to see him happy. Thats all. Or so i thought. This feeling has increased a little bit I admit, so I understand his concern. Because now I get kind of excited to buy him thing, especially food. And now that I am writing this out, I can kind of see it while my argument remains. But I get excited when I buy him food, and when I watch him eat it, it gives me kind of a rush. Similar to the feelings of butterflies in your stomach. It physically gives me joy to watch him eat something I bought him, but its NOT AROUSAL. So, casually without even thinking, I mentioned this to him at lunch today, which I bought him, of course, bc he asked me why I was smiling and giggling at him while we were eating. I told him its because it makes me happy. He asked me to clarify and then he freaked out, quite pubicly, when I did. He went on to say that what I am doing is somehow part of "my kink" and how fucked up it is that I feel that way. I was left confused at the mall as to what I had just done or said, maybe I misspoke when I explained to him. The outburst seemed unnecessary in front of ppl claiming I was some kind of creep. Am I? I have a hard time understanding my own feelings, so figuring this out has left me in utter mess. He's kind of my only friend, and now he thinks I'm some kind of alabama cousin fucker because I like to watch him bite croissant. EDIT: I tried to fix the spacing because that seemed to upset people. Also this is maybe the 100th time people have told me to get evaluated for autism, even he has. So, thats out there and I am now considering it a possibility. ***Some asked what exact words I used, I can see how this is a crucial part that I had missed out, the word kink was never brought up at the table until he said it, the words I used were " it makes me happy to see you eat" ( I get how thats weird) and "idk it just makes me feel good" and thats when he said it was a kink and then like a dumb ass I thought he was joking at first so I made a joke and said "no its not piss" and "its all your fault" because he always makes jokes like that to me, and thats when he started yelling and name calling, which that part I kind of tuned out as I was so confused and in shock This all happened in like seconds, and we haven't talked about it since, ***NVM HE JUST SENT ME like 10+ memes acting like nothing happened. But now idk how I feel about that, I am going to apologize for making him uncomfortable, but I think it's best if I leave it after that. UPDATE!: So to everyone who said he may be projecting his own insecurities onto me, I think you were right . This morning, I woke up to a very concerning message. He explained that he has been very depressed with himself lately, and that I am confusing him or "making him question things about himself". He went on about how he doesn't want to lose me and that he is scared of what he is feeling about me. I am a bit worried about him and kind of want to go to his house to check on him, he is not one to talk like this. He was not very clear about what "things" I am making him question and I am worried of what will come out if I poke at it. I am just going to tell him that I really care about him and don't want to see him sad or hurt. That I am here for him, I mean I always have been and I don't want a silly misunderstanding tear that down. In a weird way I kind of hope he is just struggling with low self-esteem and not confessions of love. I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM READING THE SITUATION OR WHAT IS GOING ON ANYMORE. TLDR; I BUY MY COUSIN THINGS AND IT MAKES ME TOO HAPPY. I TOLD HIM AND NOW HE IS ACCUSING ME OF HAVING SOME WEIRD KINK AND TBH IM NOT EVEN SURE IF I DO OR HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS ALL.

TIFU by getting a broom handle stuck in my butt

Happened a few years ago. I used to be a kitchen manager in a restaurant and one day while waiting for an inspection to arrive (inspections were always unannounced, but as soon as one store got one everyone scrambled because they new a few more were going to be hit) my GM decides he is going to clean the walk in freezer at the beginning of the lunch rush. Not liking the cold he turns the freezer off and starts sweeping underneath the shelving units. Of course we instantly get busy and the task is left unfinished. About half way through lunch I notice the freezer is off because everything is dripping wet as it begins to thaw and the door was left open. I switch the freezer on, slam the door shut grumbling to myself and jump back into the mix of things. Our normal busy lunch takes off and we are now triple as busy as we normally are and I am frantically hopping from station to station in the kitchen helping out wherever I can. We get a few minutes of a lull between customer waves and I send some of the cooks for a quick break while I stock up the line. This is where I effed up. In my hustle I ran back to the freezer to grab some items. I am a short guy, not exactly small and of course there was no ladder in sight. I decided to quickly climb the shelves and grab the item I needed from the top shelf. Everything that had been thawing and dripping wet a bit ago is now frozen with a slick layer of ice over it. As I scaled to the top shelf my foot slipped and I came down hard. I manged to catch myself with one hand, but I came down right onto the broom handle. There I hung, unable to to pull myself up and every second slowing wedging the broom handle further and further up my rectum. I called for help, but no one could hear me. I did the only thing I could think of. I let go. As I let go I shifted my weight as best I could and even though I came crashing to the floor I was able to get the broom unwedged from my ass before I impaled myself. After lunch everyone had a good laugh reviewing the security tapes and I waddled around the rest of the day, but I did manage to get the item from the top shelf. TL;DR Decided to climb a shelf in a walk in freezer and fell onto a broom handle.

TIFU by accepting a 75,000 Sign On bonus.

Disclaimer: I wrote this for educational and comedic purposes do not expect serious replies from me like 80% of the time cuz you can't really know a person based of an internet post so roast me all you want, I'll be making smores on the fire. Anyway; Technically this day was about a year ago or so. But it was the start of a grand shit storm. Irresponsiblity is a serious thing you need to self reflect on once you get financial freedom. I did not and despite being a rather self aware person, I fucked up bad. I mean bad bad Now this is gonna sound insane and even fake to some people. But I swear to you, you can go look up the sign on bonuses for Pharmacist at Walgreens and you'll see. When I started as a pharmacist I was given a 75,000 sign on bonus! Yes really, a whole fucking down payment on a house and then some. Even after taxes I was basically looking at 50,000. And I had no debts, no loans, nothing to pay off. But boy did I fuck up in many ways Starting with forming a rather unfortunate gambling based hobby due to my hyperfixation as one with ADHD and other brain issues. My childhood self saw I was making good money and went "I'M GONNA LIVE OUT THE DREAM" and so I bought fucking everything from MTG to Pokemon to Yugioh plus a PC and a ton of games. I had a serious gambling issue in the form of what was essentially cardboard crack. I bought duplicates of practically every product I opened and kept one aside saying it'll be a good return investment in the future. Unfortunately it's an exotic investment that takes up space and time and is entirely a gamble or waiting game. And while sometimes I got cool stuff I usually ended up having to buy the cards I wanted anyway CUZ ITS FUCKING GAMBLING Once I came to my senses I lost a good amount of money, even after selling off 90% of my sealed collection and I'm still sorting through the mess of cards and crap I bought and finding I dislike alot of cards artwork that I bought cuz it was just FOMO FROM THE FUCKING MARKETING. BUT IT ISNT OVER I got a 3000 dollar PC, I got my partner a 3000 PC, I got about 50 video games ranging from 20 to 60 dollars a piece, I got a bunch of stupid display stuff of different characters and games and TV shows I liked (halo, skyrim, etc) THEN MY CAR BASICALLY FUCKING EXPLODED CUZ IT WAS HANGING ON BY A THREAD AND HAD 350,000 MILES ON IT. SO WHAT DO I DO? do I get a nice normal car?? A cheaper one thats reliable? NO! I BUY A FUCKING HYBRID RAV4 2023 THAT COST 46,000 AND PUT 15,000 DOWN ON IT. SO here's the math: 15,000 for the car + 6,000 for the computers + 10,000 or so in SHINY FUCKING CARDBOARD + 5,000 in other stupid dumb bullshit + GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH IN ORDERING FOOD. IN THE END I was left with about 7,000 BUT WAIT THERES MORE! I WAS FIRED CUZ I WAS A STUPID FUCKING MORON. Then I have no insurance, 7000 to my name, and end up needing to go to the ER! SO there goes like 3500 of that 7000 and the rest goes to bills and rent. I eventually found a new job, made some good money back and I kept my credit at around a 790 and ended up with a 17,000 in an IRA. BUT THEN, THE WORST PART HAPPENS. I HAVE PAY BACK 70,000 yeah, with 8% interest mind you, I have to pay it all back plus the taxes the government took cuz I only get that back after I get a W-2c. So I have to pay my full bonus and then some back. And do I have a house or anything to show for it? Anything at all where I can at least say "well I guess it was like a loan, at least we got something out of it" NO, I DONT, CUZ IM A FUCKING IDIOT WHO IS PAYING A $70,000 LOAN OFF SO THAT I DONT GET SUED BY A COLLECTION AGENCY (if I wasn't paying it'd go there) So yeah...take this however you want. Maybe it'll make you feel better. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe you can shit all over me in the comments and act like you're better than me after reading this one story. I do not care. Just make sure you plan things out and think things through and talk to people and self reflect before you make hasty decisions. Especially as someone young looking at alot of money. I'll never make this mistake again and now am far more concerned about retirement accounts, keeping my debts paid, and saving up for life and actual tangible experiences. But wow did I fuck up. Edit: I was fired due to leaving a gate open 2 inches for all of 3 minutes. Aka leaving a pharmacy unattended. You're not supposed to though many do to some degree. I unfortunately before that had a autolocking door just not fully lock for some reason? By all purposes it was closed but because it didn't actually close and someone was able to access the vaccine room it was considered unlocked. So yeah first time was the faulty door, got written up (I think that's a load of crap since it's an auto locking door that no one would ever bother to even check as it's a nonvital door as it only leads to a vaccine area) but the second time I absolutely did the wring thing and fucked up there. That was on me Edit 2: I am not trying to use the ADHD or disabilities I have as an excuse, it's simply an explanation to why it happened, it executive dysfunction. I AM STILL THE ONE AT FAULT. my illneses just made it a but easier for me to end up here is all compared to others since it messes with my ability to organize, think, retain memories, and my brains actual development. Edit 3: if you really think you can judge a person's character entirely based on one post on the internet you're just as dumb as I was. Sure yeah judge me for the post, i definitely fucked up, but I'm not a bad pharmacist and i know that. Im bad at remembering to lock things or take things home with me and finances. My clinical knowledge is still there and ill stand by that. People are not this two dimensional. You know nothing else about me, you have no idea what it's like being a pharmacist, you have no idea what my life is like, but if it makes ya feel better pop off I guess. TL;DR : A job gave me lots of money, I spent lots of money, I lost the job, I owe lots of money.

TIFU by making special brownies

Now let me give you some reference my Grandma is currently undergoing dialysis and everyone around me knows I smoke it’s never been a secret that I smoke so onto the story Granted this was yesterday regardless I was making some THC brownies for myself yesterday around 7PM (Some extra strong ones for my somewhat high tolerance) I get a call during baking saying my grandma has been in an accident so I turn the oven off and rush out the house. I get to the accident and do the same mumbo jumbo and exchange info but my grandma’s car wasn’t drivable so I figure I have to call her insurance and get the car towed. So the house is only 5 minute drive from the house so I take her home to rest and so that i can handle everything and shes not in the cold, an hour or two go bye and my mom arrives at the accident scene we proceed to wait at the accident while I’m on the phone with insurance still trying to get a tow out to me while were here I let my mom know “ Hey I’m making special brownies please let Grandma and Other mom at home know so they don’t eat it” she proceeds to call them and let them know not to eat my brownies falling to mention theyre THC brownies. So then we decide we’re gonna move the car to a safe location and go home and wait for the tow truck. We get home and I’m starting to take the brownies out of the oven and my mom decides she wants to try a piece I tell her “NO” three different times and she keeps on insisting and eventually eats a piece. I honestly don’t think to much about it and go downstairs to talk to the insurance to see how long it takes and another hour goes by, the insurance tells me its gonna take another 30 minutes so we finally go out back to the accident and wait for the tow truck driver. 30 minutes go by and my Mom looks at me and says “I think its hitting me” I look over at her and tell her she’ll be okay just keep watching your show, She tells me she wants to go to sleep, So I tell her it’ll be alright I can handle the tow truck driver just sleep. We finally get the car home and my mom is running into the house throwing up. I go over to my mom and her wife is helping her out while I try and get the car parked into a spot in front of our house. We finally get everything settled and my mom into bed. While I’m downstairs playing games in my rook My mom and her wife all of a sudden start screaming my name so I sprint upstairs to see what was happening and I seen my grandma on the floor. I look at her and ask her “What happen? Did you fall?, She responds with “I didn’t fall i just fell over”. This is when I go and check my Ring camera to see what happens I watch the video and she seems to be falling in slow motion. So in a panic I take her blood pressure and make sure she didn’t have a stroke, but it looked like her pulse was normal but her blood pressure was extremely high I call 911 to take no risk considering she was just in an accident and shes on dialysis. The paramedics come and talk to her and she seems very out of it and not her usual talkative self, the paramedics do what they have to do and eventually take my grandma to the ER. While all this is happening my Mom is still high and is paranoid that I was gonna get in trouble for giving her THC brownies (We live in a legal state) so I call my sister to help me and shes confused on whats happening and why our mom wasn’t calling her or talking to her currently, I assure my sister the our mom is currently not in the right state of mind to help us currently and were more likely on our own. We(My mom, her wife, my sister, and I) all finally get to the ER where my grandma is and my mom still looks extra paranoid I finally tell my sister whats happening and she is laughing her ass off. Finally the Doctor allows one person in so I let my sister go while I take my Mom and her Wife home. I get home and make sure my Mom and her Wife are good while I go downstairs and try and play some games while I wait to hear from my sister about what is happening. She eventually text me and that my Grandma was projectile vomiting everywhere and thats when it clicked for me that she had ate one also, My sister falls me 30 seconds after texting me asking the same thing and we bother figure it out. She lets the doctor know but they still have to rule out any possibility of head trauma because of the accident, another two or so hours go by and the finally finish up her test but won’t release her because her blood pressure was still too high. Eventually they release her after another 30 minutes and we take her home and to bed. My grandma thinking we just werent allowing her to have any of my brownies had snuck downstairs while me and my mom were gone getting her car and ate a whole THC brownies but as of currently we’re all getting a laugh out of it and shes sleeping it off. TL;DR Grandma got into an accident while I was making THC brownies, mom knowingly ate partial weed brownie and was throwing up all night and Grandma Unknowingly ate weed brownie and was sent the the ER

TIFU by Agreeing with my Boss's Boss's Boss

TIFU by being in agreement. This morning from 10-11am we had a division-wide "Friendly Coffee Before the Holidays" or some dumb title like that, where the top manager talks for a while. Successes, challenges, enjoy time off with family, don't drink and drive, all and no faiths, bla bla bla. At some point IT made it that when you join a Teams meeting cameras and mics are on by default. I think? Unless it's just my settings and I'm blaming IT. I always mute myself, today I was obviously muted because all everyone does here is listen and nod in festive sweaters. I had a power flicker, thank you winter weather, my wi-fi reset and I dropped out of the call. When I rejoined I forgot to mute. The meeting went on really long. At about 11:35 the top dog said something like "oh my, look at the time! Well, by now you all know how I tend to talk and talk and forget the clock." I talk to myself, even in meetings because I'm muted, so I said "damn right." You know that chill that settles over a room when everyone goes quiet? And if it's The Office the camera quickly pans around then settles on Angela looking slightly offended? Yeah, I felt that. Despite it being a virtual meeting across multiple time zones. After about 5 seconds our fearless leader said "well...." in a meaningful voice then gave a standard feel-good farewell. A few minutes later my immediate messaged me, he told me by now I've established a reputation for good work, honesty, and friendly humour and respect, so I shouldn't worry too much. He then said that when the top boss is bragging about how few layoffs there have been (mostly in IT) but hinting at more in the new fiscal year you don't want to start building a case for being included. I survived. So far. This was less embarrassing than the zipper incident back in middle school. I now always make sure I'm wearing underwear. TL;DR: the top manager said he talks too long, I was unmuted and didn't realize it and said "damn right."

TIFU by Ignoring My GPS and Ending Up in a Cornfield

Today, I thought I could outsmart traffic by following my GPS down a "shortcut." Spoiler alert: it was a disaster. As I confidently drove down a narrowing dirt road, my GPS seemed more excited than ever. But then, disaster struck. The road became a path, and the path led me straight into a vast cornfield. I'm talking Children of the Corn vibes here. In the middle of nowhere, surrounded by towering cornstalks, panic set in. My GPS cheerfully declared, "You have arrived!" Sure, in the Twilight Zone, maybe. Realizing I was stuck, I called for a tow. Picture this: a tow truck navigating through a sea of corn to rescue my misguided car. Moral of the story: the GPS might lead, but sometimes it leads straight into a cornfield. Now, my car boasts a rustic cornfield backdrop, and I'm questioning my GPS's sanity. TL;DR: Trusted GPS, ended up in a cornfield. Tow truck through corn is not a scenic route. Listen to your GPS cautiously, folks.

TIFU by clogging our bathroom sink with my period bloody water

Iykyk and if u dont, let me tell u, when girls stain their underwear in this time of the month, they can't js throw it with the other clothes in the washing machine, because it can easily stain other clothes. So what we do is washing it by hand first and then throw it in the washing machine, or at least that's what I (16F) personally do. I usually like to soak it in warm water first with a little soap before I actually begin washing it by hand. I closed the drain of our bathroom sink, filled it up with some warm water and soap and soaked my underwear. I took a shower, came back to actually scrub it and guess what...THE DRAIN WOULDN'T WORK, IT WOULDN'T OPEN, IT WOULDN'T LET WATER DOWN. I tried and tried until my hands got tired and it wasn't easy especially when ur mom keeps knocking on the door bc she needs to use the bathroom too. I had to let her in and break the news to her, our sink is full of bloody period water and its somehow clogged. She was disgusted at first but then she to had to put her hand in the bloody water too and try and solve the problem. She failed. We had to call dad and noway im telling my dad that this reddish water is bc of my period blood bc it would've went 2 ways, he either would be too disgusted to help or help me but make jokes about it till the day I die. So we lied to him and told him that this reddish color is by washing a red tshirt in the sink. The problem was solved. TL;DR: i washed my stained underwear in the sink and it somehow got clogged so my dad unaware had to put his hands into the bloody water to unclog it. :)

TIFU by nuclear farting on a first date

I (21F) have a few food related problems: a bunch of mild allergies and a very bad case of lactose intolerance. A week ago I met a guy on Tinder, let's call him Joe (24M). We exchanged numbers and talked a bit on facetime. The vibe was honestly amazing, so we decided to meet for dinner on Saturday. The date was a blast, I never connected with anyone else so quickly. That's why when at the end of the dinner Joe asked if I want to go back to his place, I said yes. His apartment was really nice and everything seemed perfect. Joe offered to make me a coffee (we're living in a country where it's very common to even drink espresso in the evening) and told me to make myself comfortable on the couch. He shouted from the kitchen "milk? sugar?" and I shouted back "both! do you have lactose-free or vegan milk tho?". He shouted again "Yeah!". And that was that. Joe came back from the kitchen with two cups of coffee for us and sat on the couch with me. We talked a lot, and after he told me about his plans for the future, I was just mesmerized and kissed him. And oh God! It was a perfect kiss. After some time I felt something in my stomach. I smiled at him and excused myself to the bathroom. It was kind of smooth, I don't even think he realized that something was wrong. So I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and immediately start shitting. I'm contemplating what the f did I do wrong to deserve that. After a while it gets better so I come back to Joe. We start making out again and that's when it happens. I start literally nuclear farting and he pulls back disgusted. At this point I'm almost crying from embarrassment and thinking I cannot ever recover from this. I try to save face and say "Oops" which makes the situation even worse, because I try to kind of laugh through tears and Joe is horrified. I just say "Okay, let's never meet again. I will be going home now. Can I use your bathroom one more time tho?". He didn't say anything so I took that as a yes. So I took another shit in his bathroom and then left his apartment. On Sunday he texted me saying "My bad, I gave you the wrong milk" and I still didn't reply. I don't know if it's fixable at this point. It was a first date, but the guy seemed perfect. I really want to see him again but again, I don't know if I will ever be able to recover from this embarrassment. TL;DR: Went on a first date with a guy. He made me coffee with regular milk. I'm lactose intolerant. I nuclear farted while making out.

TIFU by locking myself out of my apartment building at 2:00 AM in the morning

I spent last night playing videogames with the homies and everything was sweet. We had some pretty good time, and I was meant to work from home the next day so I did not mind staying up late and take short naps and breaks in-between tasks at work. After I've finished with my gaming session, I was very tired, and I thought before I go to bed, I'd just take the trash bag out. The way it works in my apartment building is that the big recycling bin is usually placed right next to the entry door INSIDE the apartment building. So whenever I take the trash bag out, I always automatically assume that it is there, throw the bag in the bin, then go back up to my place. Welp, yesterday was different. The recycle bin was not in its usual place, as a matter of fact, where it is usually placed now is empty. This means that the recycle bin was taken outside of the apartment building for the trash recycling company to pick them up and empty them, standard procedure, seen it happen before, no problems there, and where I live, they happen in different schedules. You hear these trucks in the most random times of the day, 2:00 AM, 4:00 AM, but the most common is 5-6AM. So anyway, I'm in my pyjamas, half-asleep, it's -2 C outside, and I pick up the trash bag and walk outside to throw it. The recycle bin is not there, so I casually open the door, find the recycle bin, open the latch and throw the trash bag in. I turned around to get back in and the realization hit me like a fucking truck. I do not have my keys, and I do not have my phone with me. What I thought was going to take 2 minutes tops was now looking to be taking me 4 fucking hours, standing in the cold, shivering, with people passing by thinking I'm homeless or something. But tearsofkingodm, you don't know your apartment building code combo for entry? You know, there are these little numpads next to apartment building where you type stuff like "15#3957" and then the door unlocks, you don't know yours? Well, my landlord unironically doesn't know her code, and I had it reset and sent her the number, but I do not remember it at all. And why tf should I anyway? Every time I went out, I always had my keys on me or my phone. I have my keys staying on apartment door all the time, so when I unlock the door (which is always locked after I enter my place), the key is in my hands. But I surely didn't count the bin being outside but it never happened, so I left my apartment door open and rushed outside, probably because I was sleepy too. Anyway, around 15 minutes had passed, at which point I was almost dead from freezing, going from my cosy heated place to being homeless for 15 minutes was quite the experience, until a guy who lives in my place shows up on his bike and his huge delivery backpack getting off a shift. He came in, ignored me thinking I was homeless, but I grabbed his attention and told him what happened, he made sure that I do live in my place, then I bid him farewell. Had he not showed up, I seriously think I'd have stayed there until 5-6am when people go to work and unlock the door. TL;DR: I went out to throw out the trash bag not taking my keys or phone with me, and I ended up throwing the bag outside of the apartment building and locking myself out because I had no keys and no entry code with me which is on my phone. A guy living in the apartment finished his late-night shift and unlocked the door for me after I shivered in the cold for 15 minutes or so.

TIFU by falling down the stairs

I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a month now and it has been like love at first sight. I like him a lot, and he likes me back so much, I can’t even believe it. He thinks I’m pretty, elegant, says I’m like a princess. I feel very lucky. Yesterday we went to the cinema to watch “Wonka”, cute movie. We were kissing and hugging all the way through, having a good time and enjoying each other. When the movie ended, we cleaned up the food leftovers from the sits and headed back down the stairs. I was holding a tray of nachos in one hand and a mostly full large coke on the other. The movie ending song was playing in the background, the lyrics said something like “a better world”. I wanted to sing along, so I said “a better wooooorld” while going down the stairs, and then it happened. I don’t know what I did with my feet. I was wearing shoes with a big platform and suddenly I started doing that little dance that you do when you are about to fall, the dance that makes you look stupid as fuck. I didn’t fall immediately, in fact I spent a good 3 seconds doing the dance until all the nachos and coke went flying and I ended curled up in the side of the stairs. I then tried to get up but I couldn’t, so I kept rolling down the stairs. Yes, rolling. And while I was falling I could hear my date behind me saying: oh no baby….. oh no……… And I kept falling down, rolling on the spilled nachos and coke. I feel weird as fuck now, I don’t think I can recover from this, I will be ridiculous in his mind’s eye forever more. Goodbye cute elegant princess. Hello weird feet dancer, nachos spilling, stupid rolling mess. TL;DR: I fell.

TIFU by falling hard for a girl who’s not interested in me while I’m in the midst of an arduous divorce

I (m37) recently reconnected with a friend (f38) who l've known for years and have had a crush on for eons. I'm in the midst of splitting from my wife of 7 years and it's been brutal. We decided to get a drink. It was brutally cold but her presence just warmed my heart. Three days later, we had another drink. I was hooked. I needed to see her again. So we did. And then I messed up by telling her how I feel about her. She said she didn't share the same feelings but admitted she felt an instant connection. She asked if we could still be friends and l agreed. I’ve since tried not flirting but inevitably we text all day. TL;DR: i told a girl I’ve had a crush on for ages that I had said crush. Of course it was unrequited. Now, I can't get her out of my head. I need to have my wits about me for this arduous split, but instead, I spend my time texting her and then staring at my phone, hoping she'll reply.

TIFU by shaving my beard

Edit: Thank you to all those who have responded. There's a lot of comments, so I probably won't reply to all of them, but I have read them and I appreciate you taking the time to read my problems. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and I've had a beard the entire time I've known her. Those entire two years, she would always mention how she never liked men with beards before me and would always ask me to shave. I would always decline. I've got kind of a round-ish head and I look like I'm back in high school when I am clean shaven so I'm not a fan. Anyway, I decided that for an early Christmas gift I would shave for her and surprise her with my face. It was about the exact reaction you'd expect. Wide-eyed, shock, laughs, all that. And then she proceeded to not say anything positive about my new look at all. She would just keep skirting around the question when I asked her what she thought or would say "It's just different" or "Your face is naked!" or something like that. But I could tell the gears were turning in her head and not in a good way. Finally, she said "Imagine if I always had makeup on every time you saw me day and night for two years, and then suddenly didn't have it on." I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure she just subtly called me unattractive. She then said a bit later "I prefer you with a beard" which after two years of saying the opposite pretty much means that she doesn't like beards, but she doesn't like my face without a beard. Every few minutes she would look at me and laugh strangely and eventually said "Never do this again" in a joking-not-joking way. It was like my face was some novelty that she immediately got over and decided she did not like it. I'm not one to worry about my looks. I know I'm not Fabio or anything, and I've never much cared what people think of me, but... damn... to learn that your girlfriend of two years doesn't like your face and wants you to keep it covered up kind of stung. The field of work I want to go into doesn't permit facial hair, so I don't know how that's gonna work in the future. I guess I just wish she had lied to me and said at least one positive thing. "You look handsome, you look cute, I'm happy you did this but I think I prefer you with the beard baby" or something like that. Anyway, this happened two days ago and it takes me a couple weeks to grow it back. That can't come quick enough. Maybe I'm misreading it all, I hope. A part of my ego is damaged that I didn't even know I had. Big ooph. TLDR: I shaved my beard for gf of 2 years after her constant pestering about it for the first time and her reaction wasn't good.

TIFU by failing a pass-fail class on the last assignment

I'm in my first year of university (engineering) and I needed to take six classes. One of which was a pass-fail course which was pretty easy. Most of the assignments only took about 20 minutes and were surveys or quizzes. However, the last assignment was a personal reflection where I needed to reflect on the semester and the lectures from that course. I did that assignment days before the due date and submitted it, which was around 10 days ago. I hadn't checked the grade yet since I have been busy with final exams. Until today, when I was talking with someone else in the course about grades where I checked mine. It said not only was my assignment not marked, but it hadn't even been turned in. I was quite confused since I specifically remember doing and submitting the assignment days before it was due, since I knew doing it on the due date wouldn't work because I had a final the next day. So in a panic I email the instructor explaining the situation and proof that I had not touched my assignment since before the due date and the assignment itself. He got back to me later on saying that there is nothing he can do and to talk to an advisor about possibly making up the course in my second or third year. I am at a loss for my stupidity. I spent the whole semester doing the assignments, going to the useless lectures, attending the mandatory seminars on Sunday evenings all so I could fail on the last assignment. This semester has been real rough since not only is it my first year in university but I also moved 800 kilometers away from my home town. On top of that I had been diagnosed with ADHD over the summer and have been trying medication since September. Because I was on medication for the first time life sucked for a while, my mood was bad, I couldn't focus (ironic given they're supposed to help), and my marks in school had been lower than what I know I can do. I know that medication doesn't help immediately and I expected those things to happen but it still wasn't easy. By December I thought I was finally used to the medication, the new city, the new school, and the new lifestyle. My marks had been a bit better, I was focusing and life was okay. But with my luck I had to go and mess it up like I some how always do. I am unsure of how my assignment was not submitted but its mostly likely from me putting the assignment in the submission folder but then never hitting submit. I am at a loss for how I could do this to myself. I have worked so hard to get here just to fail the easiest course in engineering. Currently I don't know what to do with myself, I still have another final this week and although I won't, I just want to give up. I will do as the instructor said and talk with an advisor as soon as I can but as of now I hate that I let myself fail the class. TL;DR: The last assignment for a pass-fail course was never submitted even though I completed it and thought I submitted it, I didn't notice until today. I contacted the instructor and he said there was nothing he could do and to speak with an advisor on making up the course in my second or third year. This semester was already rough but this takes the cake and I am at a loss for my stupidity. Edit: Thank you, everyone, for your advice. I haven't quite talked to an advisor yet as I'm studying for my next final but I will be soon. As for the assignment, yes he was being a bit of an ass, however I should have mentioned in the post that on the assignment sheet it said there was no option for a resubmission. Meaning that even if I did hand it in, if they deemed it not accepticable I would still fail since I couldn't try again. Not sure if that changes anything but even so it would have taken him not even 10 minutes to mark it even though he had TA's mark all of the assignments. I don't think it's worth the effort to appeal it since this class does not affect my GPA. When I made the post I didn't know that but pass-fail classes do not affect my GPA. I don't think it's worth the effort since the engineering department takes it all quite seriously when appealing and even though it is a technology error, they would still blame me. Again, thank you all for the advice and I'll definitely be double checking my submissions from now on.

TIFU by complimenting her mustasche

I liked my friend for a couple months, theres been some flirting back and forth, but she's leaving soon and we wont meet for 6 months. But whenever we drink we end up in romantic situations, which I just ignored because of intoxication, and to not take advantage of the situation. But last time we drank, she had just a beer, and wasnt very drunk and we ended up playfighting in the snow and finished and stood up, we started talking and I decided to pull her closer. There was so much silence, tension and eye contact, and decided to push her hair from her cheek and put my hand in her cheek and we go in for a kissm WHEN MY INDEX FINGER START STROKING HER UPPER LIP AND I SAY "I REALLY LIKE A GOOD MUSTACHE ON MY WOMEN." She leaves in two days and has now begun to ignore my texts and I dont think I will get to say good bye, and i lost my chance on somebody who probably likes me and i lost a friend. TL;DR: I like a friend and we end up in a drunk romantic scenario where we go in for a kiss and stroke her upper lip and compliment her mustache. Now she's ignoring me, and I have probably lost a friend and a lover.

TIFU by accidentally leaving my vape in my pocket

I’ve been weaning myself off nicotine and bought myself a 0mg vape a few weeks ago. I had a few puffs on my way into work this morning (I’m a nursery practitioner), and when I was putting all my stuff away I must’ve forgotten to put my vape back into my bag and left it in my coat pocket. Skip forward to later in the day, we’re going out into the garden with the children so I put my coat on. Skip forward some more, we’re back inside and my manager comes into the room holding up my vape saying ‘this was found in the garden, anyone know who it belongs to?’ I initially didn’t think it was mine as I was sure I’d put it in my bag, but went up to check and lo and behold- no vape in my bag. I immediately owned up and apologised, and had to write a statement. I’ve been told there will be an investigation. I’m mortified and so annoyed at myself. TLDR: My vape fell out of my pocket without me noticing in the garden of the nursery I work at.

TIFU by getting my friend to read transformer porn outloud in a starscream impression in physics

I sent my friend a link to an ao3 nsfw transformer story and to my horor and amusment he started reading it out loud in starscream impression . So naturally i responded in a megatron voice. We took turns reading it. each impression worse then the last. The dude in front of us turned around slowly. A look of disbelief and disgust He Called us werid and told us to shut up. We laughed not knowing it warning Untill it was to late. Out of the corner of my eyes i saw something shift. I turned around to see my teacher. A look of horror. Shock. Confusion. and concern etched Into every detail of her face. She stared for a few moments before muttering a half assed "get back to work" and walked back to her desk. Now she refuses to make eye contact with me TL;DR teacher heard me and my friend reading transformers porn in impressions of starscream and Megatron. Refuses to make eye contact.

TIFU by wanting some wet sexy time with the wife

I posted a snippet of this as a comment on another thread. I got several DMs asking questions so I’ll just post it here. A bit of an older story. I got home from work and heard my wife in the shower. I decided to join her and have a bit of fun. I strip down and sneak in the bathroom and pull back the shower curtain. The woman in the shower starts screaming and I quickly realize it’s not my wife. I jump backwards and trip, ripping the shower curtain off the wall and smacking my arm on the sink as I fall. We’re both completely naked. She’s trying to cover herself, but the shower curtain is gone and towels are behind me. I’m laying on the floor in a puddle of water with a bum arm while tangled in the shower curtain. Water is going everywhere. My first reaction is to turn off the water, but realize that is a stupid thought as soon as I start moving towards her. I leave the bathroom, get dressed, and call my wife. As soon as she answers she is saying hey was going to call you and then starts telling me about her day. Her friend came over. They went shopping. They were messing with the animals. They went horseback riding. She ran up to grab some groceries to make some dinner. She keep talking and I’m like “yeah. yeah. ok. yeah. ok.” This is a really good friend of my wife’s and we’ve all hung out numerous times before. After a bit she comes out of the bathroom (fully dressed). I’m in the living room and without making eye contact she asks if my wife is back. Nope. She sits down and we watch TV in silence. My wife gets home and we tell her what happened. Her face goes through disbelief, shock, and laughing. We both keep saying “I didn’t see anything” knowing full well that we both saw everything just fine. Her friend stays and we have an awkward dinner and she leaves not much later. My wife starts with the 20 questions. Did you see her? What did you do? What did you say? What did she do? At first I thought she was mad, but she is laughing the whole time. My wife and her are still friends and we still hang out together. It has come up in conversation a few times, usually poking fun at something or someone. We laugh about it and then try to act like it never happened. Sorry to disappoint, but this never led to anything else nor have I seen her naked since. Edit: Two questions are getting asked repeatedly. Q) Why didn’t she lock the door? A) She was in the shower in the master bathroom. That door didn’t have a lock. There was a lock on the bedroom door, but she didn’t think to check that door. Q) Why didn’t I notice my wife’s car gone? Why didn’t I see friend’s car? A) My wife parked in our garage. I parked in the driveway. I entered through the front door. Friend parked on the street, but there were always cars on the street so it wasn’t obvious somebody was at our house. TL;DR: I wanted to jump in the shower with my wife, found out it was her friend, learned I should knock first.

TIFU: By Pavloving myself into getting an erection every time I hear the “Octonauts” theme song

This TIFU has slowly happened over time, but it’s today that it all culminated into a terrible realization. My kids don’t watch TV that often. But when they do, they usually choose to watch “Octonauts,” a show about anthropomorphized animals saving ocean life. They love it and it’s guaranteed to bring about 22 minutes of uninterrupted time for me to accomplish whatever I need. A couple of months ago, I proposed to my wife a quickie while Octonauts was on. 22 minutes was more than we needed (whomp). But anyway, it worked as planned; we had fun with no interruptions. We’ve done this several more times since then. Octonauts goes on, clothes come off. I’m always the one that puts it on for the kids though, and I didn’t realize that I was slowly conditioning myself to expect getting laid as soon as I heard the opening theme song of the show. As chance would have it, we had only put on Octonauts for quickies since that first time. In other words, I never put it on just to do some chores around the house or whatever. Just for sex. So, today, my wife is out of town and I need to clean the kitchen. Usually the kids play fine on their own but they were being rowdy today so I decided to be kind to myself and put on an Octonauts to keep them occupied so that I could clean. As soon as the theme song started playing I started to get an erection. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Random boners happen, of course, but I couldn’t help but notice the instantaneous timing of it. Then it hit me. So, now, I can’t put Octonauts on for the kids just to catch a break anymore. It’s too weird. Good news, though. I guess if I ever need help getting in the mood, my wife and I can just watch Octonauts while we bang it out. TL;DR: I slowly conditioned myself to associate sex with a children’s TV show.

TIFU by leaving late to drive to Gatlinburg, Tennessee

Today I drove me and my friends to Gatlinburg for a short vacation between semesters. We were supposed to leave at 5am but people ran late and we ended up leaving around 12pm. This is how I found myself at 10 pm, pitch dark, in the rain, leaf and fog covered, narrow and steep ass smokey mountain roads trying desperately to get us to this cabin without accidentally driving us off the cliff to our deaths. At one point a hill was so steep my transmission over heated and I had to stop and use my emergency brake. I have never been so terrified in my life and highly doubt i will again. I am still shaking with how terrifying the drive to this cabin was. Tldr; drove up a narrow mountain road late at night in the fog and rain and almost died several times.

TIFU by accidentally waterboarding myself in the shower

Okay so this actually happened a couple of months ago but today I realized what happened. I was in the shower and sometimes use a wash cloth to help exfoliate my self. So I was doing my normal wash routine and started washing my body, scrubbing with the cloth and some soap. I then moved to washing my face. Started lightly rubbing my face with the rag and then I had the brilliant idea of placing it fully over my face for a relaxing warm sensation. This wash cloth is like 12 x 12 inches and fully covers my face. I put some warm water on the cloth and then draped it over my face and thought this feels good. I wonder what it would feel like if I took the shower head and sprayed hot water on my face while the rag was draped over my face. This is when I get the most uncomfortable feeling and suddenly can’t breathe and yank the rag off in a panic. My heart rate shot up and I was thinking to myself what the hell just happened. Did I have a panic attack? It wasn’t until today I was watching Zero Dark Thirty and the scene where they start water boarding the dude during the interrogation is when it clicked that I had water boarded myself in the shower. Only for like 5 seconds but still was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. TL;DR: I accidentally water boarded myself in the shower by placing a 12 x 12 inch exfoliating rag over my face in the shower and then sprayed the shower head full blast on my face.

TIFU by twisting my balls

I woke up at 1:30 am to some pain in my testicle area(on the right) the pain at the beginning wasn’t that bad but was bugging me so I couldn’t sleep,I tried to find some sleeping pills but we didn’t have any(this saved my balls) anyway I couldn’t sleep so I decided to do research,I convinced myself I had blue balls and decided to wank cause apparently that’s how you get rid of it,I just put myself in more pain and this is when I really started questioning life. My testicle was sore but I was honestly not that bothered,my abdomen though…fuck me i wanted to die.I went to go look for sleeping pills because in my head I would go sleep and wake up better later(thank the heavens I didn’t sleep) didint find any so I did further research and I came to the conclusion that I might have twisted my balls,I was in denial so I walked around the house for 30 minutes thinking the pain would magically stop(yes I’m stupid)I realised that there was no hope and went to tell my mom then we went to the hospital We arrived at hospital the doctors suspected instantly that it was testicular torsion.they called the urologist or surgeon I’m not really sure and told me I have to get surgery quickly or else I’m gonna lose my testicle. A sweet lady was doing an ultra sound in my balls while making jokes which was fun.afterwards I got dresses into my surgery gown?? And got into the operating room,the Anaesthesiologist asked my name then I was knocked out.i woke up and asked if my testicle was saved and it was :)now I scar down the middle of my balls TLDR:I twisted my balls :0

TIFU by trying to add novelty lobster oven mitts to my wedding registry. Now I’m rethinking things.

TIFU by trying to add novelty lobster oven mitts to my wedding registry. Now I’m rethinking things. Oh lord. I, M(24) met my fiancé F(26) in college, about six years ago. We were instant sweethearts who bonded over both feeling “out of place” at the fancy California state school we ended up at. Things have been going decently well for years, I love her very very much. My fiancé has always had some unique quirks, but she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and is from rural Idaho, so I maybe give her the benefit of the doubt a little bit too often. Something I have been silently aware of is the fact that my fiancé has always been a little weird around black people. I am white, and so is she, but I was adopted into a black family when I was little, so my whole extended family is black. My best friend “Tim” is also black, we grew up in the same city and were roommates mates the first two years of college. My fiancé has never liked Tim, despite him being my childhood best friend and someone who is clearly important to me. She’s always said that Tim is too loud or rude to her or that she doesn’t like the way he “smells”. She’s always tried to get me to hang out with other (white) friends over Tim. She even suggested I have HER best friends boyfriend as my best man over Tim. At the time all of these things registered as weird of course, but as I said she’s a very naturally quirky woman who does strange things sometimes. I told her that I still planned on having Tim as my best man, and that was that. Flash forward to today, and wedding planning has been going great. My three sisters along with my fiancés best friend are going to be bridesmaids, and my wife is supposed to pick out and order bridesmaid dresses by the end of next week. We’ve been having a ton of fun building our wedding registry. We live in a nice house but are working on remodeling the kitchen, so most of our registry is kitchen stuff. Earlier today, I saw an ad for some hilarious-but-tasteful lobster oven mitts, and I grabbed my fiancé’s laptop to add them to our wedding registry. To my absolute horror, when I opened her computer, the browser was opened to a search along the lines of “colors that make black women look ugly” I looked through her search history. “What colors wash out dark skin” “worst bridesmaids dresses for dark skinned women” literally dozens of searches across these lines. I closed her laptop and put it back, but I feel like I have to bring it up after she gets home this afternoon. I know it’s “her big day” but this is seriously raising some red flags. I feel like I’m going to throw up but maybe I’m reading too far into things? TLDR: Tifu by trying to add something to my wedding registry, and was met with my fiancés racially charged search history. EDIT: It’s been a hectic few hours but there’s a few updates. I called my oldest sister who I’m closest with to try and get her read on this shit after reading the comments. I hadn’t even considered that maybe she was trying to be helpful in some sort of backwards way by finding a flattering color or something, but really some of the wording of these searches feels really racially charged so I doubt it’s that. My sisters have always had much better interactions with my fiancé than Tim, honestly I think that’s why it took me so long for all of the racial weirdness to sit in. My sister was kind of shocked, but mainly laughing. She’s never had a explicitly bad interaction with my fiancé and never got the “racist vibe” (her words) from her, but “has always thought she was super weird, like maybe the zodiac killer” But here’s the thing. When I was talking to my sister, she started cracking up and told me that my fiancé had “sent her pictures of the bridesmaids dresses she was thinking of” last night when she was searching all of this shit. THE NASTIEST. MOST WASHED OUT. BEIGE YELLOW DRESS. I HAVE EVER SEEN. I think my sisters are all beautiful women and they would probably look just fine in these dresses, but the fact that my fiancé had chosen them out of some weird racially charged evilness makes this all feel really sour. I told my fiancé I’m going to Tim’s tonight for a beer, which I am. I want his perspective because I feel like she’s the most explicit when talking to him, and maybe there’s some things I don’t know about. I feel like I’ve been a shitty best friend if all this time I’ve been enabling her racist behavior and excusing it as her just being a weird person. Nothing is off officially yet, but I do feel like this has really opened my eyes and made me aware of some traits in my fiancé that I feel like I was just too stupid to see. Edit 2, Talked to Tim: Tim has really changed my mind about a lot of this. He ran to the corner store to buy me a pack of my favorite smokes and really helped me calm down, I was flipping my shit when I went over there. He’s like the brother I never had. He agrees that there’s been a few times where she’s made some unsavory comments, but he denies there ever being a time that has made him really uncomfortable outside of some off color jokes. He’s known my fiancé as long as I have, so he kind of gets the cards on the table. She can really work herself up and get paranoid, and maybe she was having an irrational moment when picking out the dresses. He said he had no idea that my fiancé even had a problem with him, which honestly kind of broke my heart. Tim’s a great guy. I am really really hoping we can work this out. I’m going to have a real conversation with her when she gets home this evening. I’m going to try to come at this completely honestly and let her explain herself before I jump to conclusions and assume my girl is in the klan or something. Edit 3: Everything’s off. It ended with us getting in a screaming match and her telling me to fuck off if I’d rather “suck that [N word]’s dick” than be with her. I feel like I’m dreaming. Edit 4: It’s been a weird big day. A lot of people have been asking for updates so here it goes. I ended up in a pretty bad spot after everything happened. I’ve spent the last six years not really being a person, she really relied on me to be her constant mental stability. Once it was officially called off I just felt really scared. It felt like I had hit my head and didn’t know who I was. I was CONVINCED that the solution to feeling like this was to smoke some motherfuckin salvia😎, but Tim talked me down and I ended up smoking some bud and taking a lil shrooms. We went and saw trolls at the movie theatre to keep me from getting too in my head. I wouldn’t recommend coping with substances the way I do, but the absurdity of the last 24 hours required a factory reset. I’m doing much better now. I don’t know what’s going to happen going forward, there aren’t many updates there. The house is in her name. My dogs paperwork is in her name and that stings the most. She handled a lot of the financial stuff and honestly it’s going to be a nightmare to get everything settled. I’m having a lot of trouble posting updates without Reddit nuking them as spam because I’m usually a Reddit lurker lol. so if anyone has any advice there I’d appreciate it. I don’t know how many communities this post has circulated to so if there’s a common thread of questions I can try to answer them.

TIFU by losing my finger because I was stupid

Well, it wasn't today, but actually on July 14 of 2020 I lost my left middle finger by trying to fetch a ball from my pal's dog he threw over a fence the day before. It was raining and half way over the fence I decided to ditch the idea, since the fence was fairly slippery and I: "didn't want to get hurt." lmao. So on my way back down I obviously slipped, my ring got caught on the fence and degloved my left middle finger. I felt a hard tug, no pain at first, tho I had a feeling what just happened... My first thought was: "Do I look at my hand or do I just go home?" Obviously, I looked down and: "fuck." was the first thing I said. I grabbed the bone and remaining flesh with my unharmed hand, to stop the bleeding and looked at my friend (the one with the dog). I calmly told him: "Martin, don't panic but my finger is gone, call an ambulance. I will lay down on the ground now. Okay?" At first he thought I was fucking with him and didn't believe me. Because I stayed strangely calm, since he has severe panic attacks and I didn't want him to get one in this situation, because that would be anything but beneficial for the both of us. He only realized I was for real, when he saw red liquid dripping out and down my hand. My friend hastily rung all the doorbells of the Apartment building across the street, to ask someone to call an ambulance. (I didn't have my phone on me and he forgot that you can call emergency numbers even without mobile credit.) At one point a guy rode past us on his bike, Martin tried to flag him down, yelling something along the lines of: "Hey, could you please call an ambulance? He (gesturing at me, lying on the ground) lost-, had an accident." And I'll never forget this mans answer, after throwing one glance at me, in a cheery sing-sang voice he just said: "Noo, I don't have time, sorryy. ∼" while riding of with the brightest smile. That is still the funniest thing to me lmao. That guy had a great day and was not willing to care for anything or anyone else, honestly.. Good for him! Anyways, back to the ambulance-calling problem.. My friend managed to get an old lady to step out on the balcony, where she could see me and she called an ambulance right away.. Well she actually got a little confused and called the police, but they informed the hospital to send an ambulance. Another lady also approached me to just be there for me, I think. She just rubbed my back and tried to comfort me, which was really sweet. Especially seeing she was the one crying, overwhelmed by the situation. She also shielded me from the rain by covering me with her umbrella. I hope she's okay, she was an absolute Sweetheart. I was lucky (I guess?) since a woman who lived across the street I was laying on saw me through the window and came to check out what happened. And wouldn't you know, she was a nurse. She introduced herself to me as such, stating: "Hey, I saw you through my window, are you okay? I might be able to help. I'm a nurse and brought my first aid kit, what happened?" So I detailed the incident to her and showed her my injury. Upon seeing my mangled hand she let out an audible gasp and a whispered: "oh, fuck." At which I couldn't help but laugh, saying: "oh, fuck?" "As a nurse?" "It's that bad, huh?". She apologized and tried to back paddle a bit, I think she was trying to not freak me out to much, saying something along the lines of: "No, it's just, I just didn't expect that." To which I replied: "Well, to be fair, I basically had the same reaction, so it's alright." The kind nurse bandaged me up and waited for the ambulance with us. At that point the pain was pretty bad but not to much to handle. I mainly focused on my friend, constantly telling him to: "Stay calm and breathe!" since "I can't bleed out, so it's alright." The ambulance (and police) arrived about 15 minutes after the call (they normally would've been there faster but we had a lot of road work in the area at the time). The officers tried to figure out what happened and kept asking weird questions like: "Did your friend pull you down?", "Did the dog eat the finger?" and "Did the dog pull you down?" Etc.. They also 'searched?' for my finger (they basically just looked in and around the bush where it happened from a distance for like thirty seconds lmao) and said they couldn't find it, so no finger saving for me. The EMT's knocked me out with some seriously good shit and drove me to the hospital. At that point the shock settled, I went in and out of consciousness. At the ER they gave me local anesthesia by shoving a needle in my mangled finger and shooting some thick liquid in there... THAT was the most pain I ever felt in my life so far. But right after, no pain at all. In this moment I actually got to look at it in depth for the first time. It looked gnarly. Most of my skin and flesh was gone but the two bigger bones (which where astonishingly bright white) in the finger as well as the main tendon where still intact. I could actually move my fucking bone-finger... So I did just that, opening and closing my hand in awe, observing how exactly the strings work. It was fascinating! They also took some pictures and I managed to message the clinic for the photos of my injury, [here they are](https://www.tumblr.com/noah-nathan/724381892783243265/my-degloved-finger?source=share), for those interested. ^(Edit: Sorry to anyone who doesn't have a Tumblr account and can't look at the pictures, but imgur kept deleting my post.) Edit 2: lots of peeps don't have Tumblr, so I made a reddit post with [the pictures of my degloved finger](https://www.reddit.com/u/Stoopid_Noah/s/nkkwYjoaIB) and one with [the pictures of my tattoo ](https://www.reddit.com/u/Stoopid_Noah/s/fbOFdRaVgh). I couldn't put all the pictures in one post cuz it wouldn't let me upload it for some reason lol They gave me another local anesthetic, for the operation, this time numbing the whole arm. They couldn't put me under since I've already eaten that day. My finger couldn't be "saved" since they "couldn't find it." I found the ring three days after the incident tho so that's cool, I guess. I asked if I was allowed to 'keep' the bones they removed but the doc said: "That's not allowed, since it's a bio hazard." (Stupid German laws). They send me home the next day and I got a cute little tattoo after everything healed up nice. (A little pair of scissors on a dashed line, because I'm funny like that.) When I got home I picked up my dog from my friends apartment (yes, the same friend, Martin) and the first thing I said to him was "pew pew" while doing the Spider-Man 'web shooting gesture' with my hand. I don't really have many long lasting difficulties in regards to the missing finger except for occasional phantom pain or the even worse phantom itch. I'm a pretty positive person, so I'm just thankful that it was only one finger and a unessential one, on my non-dominant hand at that. All in all I would give this situation a solid 7 out of 10. The hospital food was good, the staff was nice and the pain was manageable. But I'm still a little salty about not being able to take my own bones home and I physically cringe every time I think about the incident, which is annoying because I basically live next to the place it happened and have to see that darn fence daily. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Side note: English is not my first language & I'm dyslexic, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. TL;DR: Trying to climb a fence in the rain, while wearing a ring, is a VERY stupid idea..

TIFU by being unable to get an erection and likely never getting to see her again

This happened last night and she literally just left my apartment. So I (31M) started chatting up this girl(30F) on Tinder around two weeks ago. I'm not much of a chatter and prefer to learn to know someone in real life, so in pretty much my first message I suggested I'd take her out over a beer or two, which she accepted. Said and done, we met in a bar a few days ago and really hit it off. She's incredibly attractive. Good looking, very intelligent, we both work as pretty high up managers and it became very clear that we had a lot of things in common, including thought processes and stuff. We end the night after 4 hours of getting to know each other. We sit close, I put my hand on her leg, we end up with a long kiss session and a quick goodbye kiss. We chat a bit in between this date and the next. Very flirty, it's clear to me that she's very interested (as am I) and honestly at this point it starts to feel a little surreal to me. She's just incredible and it feels like she's too good for me. She's just my type, a type I've never dared to approach before and honestly she's the most attractive woman I've dated. I've had pretty severe confidence issues throughout my life, partly from some pretty traumatic abusive events in childhood and partly from being a complete shut-in throughout my teenage years up until I was 26, which is something that only recently started to change as a lot of my lady friends have reinforced that they think I am incredibly good looking, charming and intelligent. I've accepted it to some extent but unfortunately I've also had a fair share of depression throughout my life - to put it frankly, I'm a bit of a mess. Anyway, we flirt in text and I tell her how she keeps popping up in my thoughts and that I can't wait to see her again, stuff like that. I was only on tinder for something casual but with someone as extaordinary as her I couldn't help but thinking about where we'd be in the future, and honestly it was just going so well at this point that it only felt natural to have those thoughts. Fast forward to last night and we're meeting up again. I greet her with a kiss. I'm incredibly nervous around her which she apparently did not even notice. We first go to a museum revolving around a particular topic we were both very interested in. While the museum was great I was more interested in her and mostly just wanted to get it overwith so we could get to the good stuff. After the museum we go to the local bar and grab two beers each and it feels a lot like it did the last time. We flirt, we kiss, and inevitably we decide to go to my place to eat dinner and for some more drinks. Here's my first fuckup of the night. She suggests we play a game where we write down 5 questions each on paper and put them in a bowl, then you grab a paper and you have to answer truthfully. I wasn't too big on this idea because I'm not sure what's ok to ask or not, and she set a timer where you'd have to be done with writing down your questions. On the last paper I struggle massively with thinking of something, and end up just writing "would you like to go to the bedroom?". She got the question and laughed it off. Either way there are questions in there like "when did you last have sex" and similar things so that's a topic we started talking about. She says she wants us to go on a third date first before anything else which I'm completely fine with because at this point I feel like we could have a future together (too early, I know) but then she ends up jumping me anyway. We make out, she sits on me and we have a great time, and I carry her to the bedroom for us to do the deed. This is of course where the problem mentioned in the title becomes... well, a problem. I give her oral in hopes of my soldier rising the occasion but it just doesn't happen and naturally she is very disappointed. She mentions she can only orgasm from penetrative sex so inevitably I drop the oral and we just try to sleep instead. She falls asleep pretty much instantly while I was laying there wide awake, obviously very troubled with what just went down. She wakes up an hour later and starts rubbing me in hopes of it working out this time, but due to my lack of sleep it still doesn't happen. We start to talk about it a little bit and it becomes very evident that she did not take it very well. She was apparently not a big fan of the paper I wrote in our game earlier and thought I just wanted to have sex and nothing else. This was of course not the case but she took it that way, which I of course don't blame her for - it was really stupid of me to write that down. She also took my inability to get an erection quite personally and thought it was because I did not find her attractive and even says stuff like "I've never had problems with a guy being unable to get hard, it should just work no matter the circumstances, if this is something deeper like stuff about your ex then I'm not sure I want to be here". I try to ensure her that this is not the case and mention that this is not the first time I've had issues like this, which unfortunately is true - I've had more and more problems with this recently but for the most part, if I sleep well and feel energized, it usually works out the way I want it to, but not every time and especially around new people I feel a bit nervous with. I've started investigating this and apparently I'm very low on testosterone so I'm trying to find a solution for it but I'm clearly not there quite yet. In the morning after I've slept for a total of maybe 3-4 hours, she tries rubbing me again but there's nothing happening still due to my lack of energy and I just want to fall through the earth and disappear at this point. She apologizes for being harsh with me before falling asleep last night, but it is what it is and I don't blame her. Anyway, I reinforce that I really like her and that this in no way was just for sex on my end of things, and that I'm really sorry about what happened, but that I hope I get to see her again because I really like her, not just for her looks but also because I find her incredibly charming and intelligent. I also say I really meant it with my messages where I couldn't wait to see her again and I tell her how I've been thinking a lot about her. She says she's open to the idea but that we'll have to start over. I am quite confident there is no chance in hell she'll want to see me again after all this went down and just said she was ok with the idea to make me feel less like ass in that moment. I've never felt so mortified. TL;DR: met someone I really hit it off with that I could potentially have a future with, but was unable to get an erection and she thought it was because I did not find her attractive, despite her easily being the most attractive person I've been with. Probably not getting the chance to see her again. As I'm sitting here writing this, I can still smell her perfume on me and I've never felt so mortified.

TIFU by using cuticle remover on my face

Is exactly what it says. I’ve been using tretnoin cream on my face lately (If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically just a retinol cream that speeds up cell turnover, I have a lot of cystic acne and scarring as a result of previous spots) resulting in some seriously scaly skin on my face and nose. I looked up if it was safe to use cuticle remover on my face and the internet says yes, just do a swatch test first as it’s mostly fruit acids. Step 1: never trust the fucking internet. Well, my dumb ass tried putting it on my nose as that’s where there’s the most dead and peely skin. My nose is now Rudolph red and burns any time I touch it. Edit to add: I found out that the one I have uses alkali and used some vinegar to neutralize it. Hurt like a bitch but did the trick to make the burn go away. TL;DR used cuticle dissolver on my face to help loosen up dead skin, nose is burning any time I touch it or move it. OUCH.

TIFU by biting my own teeth off

so, i’ve been told by my dentist for the last year??? or so that i grind my teeth in my sleep. if they knew that, idk why they didn’t give me a mouth guard. i’m literally getting gum recession, which they said was from grinding, but i just assumed it was partially also from brushing my teeth 20 minutes a day every day for a year when i started college (OCD friends out there, you KNOW). didn’t take it too serious. surely, nothing will happen! surely, i’m 20, it can’t be that bad, no! girl, i should have pushed for a mouth guard. because. BECAUSE i have been very stressed recently. been a rough month, you know how it goes. car problems, physical illness, mental illness, people problems, boy problems. you know. i’m just a girl, etc etc i FREQUENTLY have nightmares of my teeth falling apart, crumbling, etc. which just makes this so much worse. last night, i remember waking up in the middle of the night to a “crunch” sound. it’s a dream, right? it’s a dream, this happens in my dreams all the time. back to sleep honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo except i wake up for work at 4:30 AM and immediately notice… something ain’t right. i proceed to take the most heinous photos of my mouth (where i look not unlike something out of attack on titan) and HEY MY BACK MOLAR ON THE TOP LOOKS REALLY FUCKED UP. and then throughout the day i realize the one next to it feels pretty sharp and weird. but hey, shouldn’t the bottom ones feel weird too— OH THEY DO. OH THEY ARE FUCKED. WHEN I BITE DOWN MY TEETH DO NOT TOUCH ON ONE SIDE. THEYDONOTTOUCH did i mention it’s saturday, most notably Not A Work Day For Dentists????????? i’m not in any pain, so no emergency dentist for me. it could always be worse i suppose. but one of my WORST fears is my teeth crumbling apart. this is actually my personal version of hell. and it’s a sensory nightmare to boot. imagine going to bed with your own full set of teeth, naturally grown and all (with some pesticides), and NO LONGER HAVING IT WHEN YOU WAKE UP. i was literally about to switch dentists, looks like i’m getting the jump on that one. jesus fucking christ TL;DR ground my teeth in my sleep already, for some reason i thought i would be immune to problems, engaged in an unconscious Big Chomp, and now i need 4 teeth reconstructed

TIFU by Downloading Music over International Waters

I am on a cruise right now. Today, we stopped in the Bahamas. There, I tried downloading music that I wanted to listen to. I have international call/text/data, so it was not a big deal. The cruise's WiFi does not allow you to stream music or download it, so all music must be downloaded if you want to listen to it. However, I forgot to download a playlist on my phone as we were leaving, so I tried downloading it as we were still near the Bahamas, just not on an island. It downloaded all but 8 songs as it stopped downloading (one of the songs was stuck on 34% for 5 minutes). So, I tried downloading them again because I thought we were still in the Bahamas. However, we were now in international waters. A couple of minutes later, I get a message from AT&T that I reached $50 (USD) on cruise data after downloading some songs since we were no longer in the Bahamas. I begin to panic, but then thought that there is no way only a couple of songs could be that expensive, so I kept downloading the playlist thinking that it must have counted the entire playlist rather than just those couple of songs. After about 3 minutes from the first text, the playlist finishes downloading and I get a message that I now owe $100. This means those couple of songs did cost $50. So, I paid $100 for 8 songs. If I had known that, I would not have downloaded them. TLDR: I spent $100 on cruise data because I thought we were still close enough to land for it to count, but we were in international waters so it cost a lot more. Edit: Now that my vision has been restored (I took one of those motion sickness patches and one of the side effects is blurry vision), I can now give more details. First of all, I was drunk when this happened. I am 20, so I cannot drink in the US but I could in the Bahamas. Having said that, I only drank 3 drinks, so I still had memory of what was happening. Second, I had most of the songs downloaded when I first got that bill (I had 2 or 3 songs left), so I began to think that 2 or 3 songs should not hurt too much. That is why I kept downloading music even though I knew it cost money. Also, like I said before, I began to wonder if it counted the entire playlist and not the majority of those songs because I could not imagine that little amount of data could be $50. I feel like these facts may offer a little more context to the situation. Edit 2: I just got the bill, it was $116 in the end.

TIFU by giving my Grandma my clothes to borrow.

So this didn’t happen today, but very recently. I (24 F) absolutely adore my Grandma. She is kind and sweet, but also a badass if I say so myself, always standing up for the right thing throughout her life. Her and my Grandpa live in a small town pretty close by, and last month my Grandpa had a medical emergency and was rushed to the hospital in my city. My Grandma has mild dementia and in the rush of the moment didn’t pack anything. The plan was for her to stay at our place, so I told her not to worry and gave her a stack of clothes from my closet she could wear for the time being. Things went well at the hospital for my Grandpa and he was home and well again within the week. After things settled down I realized my Grandma still had my clothes. No biggie. I sent her a text and told her I think she accidentally took the clothes with her. She told me she’d find them and get them back to me next time she saw me. Next time I saw her, didn’t have them. I gently reminded her as there were quite a few things I really loved in the borrowed pile. That’s when my Grandpa chimed in. “I think your Grandma sold them.” My Grandma volunteers at a consignment store, and when she saw the pile of clothes she forgot they were mine with her dementia. So she took them into the consignment store. My Grandma felt terrible! I wasn’t too upset, just a bit of a bummer. She offered to pay me what they’d sold for (keep in mind this was likely $400-$500 worth of newish clothing) and I agreed, happy to at least get some money back. Turns out she sold each item for a dollar. I’m now the proud owner of a 20$ bill. TL/DR: My grandma borrowed a bunch of my clothes, accidentally sold them for 1$ each at a consignment store.

TIFU by crushing my boyfriend's balls in my sleep

Posting on mobile so I'm sorry for any formatting issues. Posting on a throw away TIFU by crushing my boyfriend's balls in my sleep, My boyfriend and I were in bed on a nice relaxing Sunday morning, neither of us had work or tasks that needed to be done today. So we were taking it easy, having a little bit of a sleep in. My boyfriend always wakes up earlier than me, and usually spends that time cuddling me, while scratching my head and browsing Reddit on his phone. I was half asleep, and thought this would be the perfect time to massage his balls and have some lazy Sunday morning sex together. But I didn't realize how tired I still was, and I fell asleep while cradling his balls. So there I am, asleep and suddenly for the first time in my life I get jolted awake from feeling like I'm falling, I've never had this feeling before, so it was quite frightening. I was panicking. At the same time my boyfriend was making panicking noises, not the type of noises you would expect from someone comforting you. It turns out that when I woke up thinking I was falling, I proceeded to use all my strength that I didn't even know I had and squeezed his balls, I grabbed onto his balls because I thought I was falling and grabbing something to stop the falling. Unfortunately, this was his balls. He's screaming I'm screaming We're both screaming The cat, not screaming for once. I began comforting him and he told me what happened from his perspective, I'd started massaging his balls, fell asleep and I was asleep for a good 20 minutes. I was snoring, not heavily but little cute snores. Then all of a sudden I'm making groaning noises, groaning and moaning like I'm scared of something, I'm uncomfortable, I'm doing this for about 5 minutes before I start panicking and squeeze his balls with the strength of 10,000 people. You're probably thinking to yourself, op, why didn't your boyfriend move your hands off his balls when you were asleep? Because this is never happened before and he thought he was safe from a death grip. I proceed to spend the rest of the morning comforting him. To add, about a month ago I was spooning him, It was a Sunday morning again, and I was half asleep. He wanted me to put my leg over him, I lifted my leg and heel kicked his balls unintentionally. I think the lesson we can both learn from this is I'm more dangerous when I'm half asleep than when I'm awake, especially to his balls. Boyfriend is okay, just a little wounded. TLDR: fell asleep cradling my boyfriend's balls, thought I was falling in my sleep and grabbed his balls for dear life & accidentally crushing them.

TIFU by being too lazy to push my side view mirror back into place.

I was at the car wash and the brushes pushed my passenger side view mirror out a little bit. I was too lazy to get out of the car, so my bright idea was to bump it against something and pop it back into place. There was a telephone pole ahead that looked just right, so I drove up to it. I was focusing so hard on lining it up just right, that I didn't notice an electrical box next to the pole. As I slowly inched my mirror toward the pole I heard a loud scratching sound, I had fucked my fender all up on that box, to top it off, the mirror jammed against the pole and the back cover popped off. I just started laughing at my idiocy and decided to give in, get out of the car, pick my cover up, and put it back into place. But before I did that, for some reason I decided to put the car in reverse and back up a little. Then I heard a loud crunching sound. I ran over the back cover to the mirror. I laughed some more and just drove off. Never to return to that carwash, just in case someone saw my stupidity play out. TL;DR: tried to pop car's mirror back into place without getting out, ended up hitting my fender across some stuff and damaging my car

TIFU By telling my wife’s friend I’d eat her ass…

Obligatory last night I got drunk at a Christmas friends get together and said some shit I shouldn’t have. My wife’s friends are mostly pretty mellow and not big partiers. But we get together for dinner every couple months. They’re awesome people and I’ve known them for going on 12 years now. They’re her good friends she’s known since high school. So, one friend is a little more out going. Into festivals and the like. We were drinking and reminiscing about college days and she mentioned how she hooked up with a guy behind a bar we all went to together years ago. We all laugh, and she and I kept talking about that night and how she had never done that before (a one night/time stand). She also mentioned that he ate her ass before they did the deed and it was her first experience doing that . And I said something along the lines of “I don’t blame him, I’d do the same”. Everyone got quiet. My wife looked pissed and confused. It didn’t even register with me what I said. My wife yelled at me all the way home about how I must think of all her friends in a sexual way. Intrusive thought should stay inside…. TLDR: said I’d eat my wife’s friends ass while drunk and everyone is mad at me… Edit: this got way more attention than I expected. To all the comments about eating my wife’s ass, she’s not down. We’ve talked about that before this incident and she has no interest. She’s calmed down a touch and realizes I don’t actually want to do that. Intrusive thoughts coming out are a bitch.

TIFU by Punching My Doctor

I (36F) recently found out that I needed to have gall bladder surgery -- the first surgery I've ever had under anesthesia. I wasn't too worried, and prior to the surgery had been joking with my anesthesiologist in pre-op about the many TikTok videos that have gone viral of people coming out of anesthesia and doing/saying funny things. NGL, had a tiny secret hope that I too would be hilarious and that my mom would catch it on film; not to go viral but just for some laughs at our upcoming holiday get togethers. (Never mind the fact that in decades of being a dance mom, the woman has taped nothing other than the floor, but dare to dream right?) That convo with my anesthesiologist was the last thing I remember before surgery, and when I woke up I was VERY agitated -- trying to yank out my IV, wanting to get out of bed, crying at feeling trapped. It took about 20 minutes for me to calm down enough for the nurses to stop saying they'd have to restrain me if I tried to keep getting up. When I finally did calm down, I asked my mom how the surgery went and what the doctors said, and she told me all of it went well ... except the part where I punched my anesthesiologist. Apparently in my anesthesia agitated state, I had tried to yank out my IV and my anesthesiologist was standing there and got hit with a thrashing limb. I do not remember this at all. My mom said she was a very good sport about it, and joked that she should have expected an amateur boxer to come up swinging, but man am I mortified. Needless to say, I am very grateful no one taped this, and I will definitely be sending a \*very\* nice holiday gift basket her way. TL;DR: Had surgery and as I was coming out of anesthesia got agitated and accidentally punched my doctor. ​

TIFU by ruining my Mom’s safe space

I’m almost 30F. I moved down to my Mom’s house back in January when my Dad moreorless kicked me out because “it’s too expensive to get a 3-bedroom place” (he later moved into said 3-bed place). The divorce happened decades ago and it wasn’t pretty for either my parents nor my siblings. The other parent was always the enemy. I legit have no memories of my parents being happy together, but also, to my detriment, no memories of them fighting. By the time I started retaining memories, Mom was already sleeping in the guest room and according to my siblings, rightfully losing her shit when my Dad tried moving his mistress’ shit into the house she built. She never EVER bounced back since she left the state and even seconds-long encounters with my Dad is enough to send her to the psych ward. My Dad infamously has rarely visited any of my siblings. It didn’t matter if a kid was a 20-minute subway ride away or a 6-hour flight, the only time that man has ever visited his kids in their own space was when we were in the hospital. Or has a work or sporting event in the same vicinity. My Mom has had some medical issues this fall and being the only sibling living with her, I’ve taken up the reins on taking care of her. I had to miss out on trips upstate to see my Dad, but it’s not the first time our paths couldn’t cross. Not the first holiday season he couldn’t see me. TIFU by letting the man into my Mom’s gated community when he suddenly called me to reveal he and his wife were at the gate after they drove some 10+ hours to the middle of fucking nowhere just to see me. My Mom had less than 5 minutes to prepare to see the man that broke her heart. She had seen him at least 2 times this year. She rang in the New Year at his swanky penthouse rooftop. She smoked a joint in a car with his little sister. She’s invited her ex-niece-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner. She put on a brave face for me and I thought Dad swinging by would be no different. He wouldn’t need to come in. I’d jump in their car, we’d go to dinner, they’d drop me off and hit the road. Mom would see him for all of two seconds to close the garage. But I violated my Mom’s sanctuary and I didn’t even fucking notice because I was caught so off guard. And it fucking hurts because I WANTED to see my Dad. I wanted him to see the boring little town I’ve been calling home for the last year. To see my job and me hard at work. To see the stores I’ve gone to and bought lots of interesting things to make pretty crafts. I want to believe so fucking hard that he decided to drive all the way out here to see me since I couldn’t find the time to go to him. But my Mom and my siblings believe he had ulterior motives and now it’s costing them what little respect they had for my Dad. TL;DR My Mom will be giving me the silent treatment for probably the rest of the fucking year and she’ll want to pack up and move because I let in the Devil and tainted her sanctuary

TIFU by treating my friend like her suitcase

Technically it was yesterday that I fucked up, but there's no subreddit for that, so here we are. Yesterday after work something exciting happened! A friend of mine from way back who moved to the west coast flew back east for Christmas. And I was the lucky one who got to go pick her up from the airport. And by lucky I mean nobody else wanted to do it and I didn't mind, so I was on airport duty. So I tracked the flight, waited in the cell phone lot, and then when she was ready to be picked up I went around to arrivals for extraction. Her plane was delayed so I had entirely too much time to think about funny things I could do on arrival. At most airports these days, or at least at the airport I frequent, there's usually a plethora of cops around. This was a factor I had not considered when I got a case of the clevers. So I find my friend, and she has her arms open for a big hug. Rather than hug her, I stooped down a bit and threw her over my shoulder in a fireman's carry and started then grabbed and started talking to the monstrosity she calls a suitcase instead of her, asking the suitcase how the flight was, how her boyfriend back west is and stuff like that. We make it back to my car, her shrieking and laughing the whole time, pounding on my back and screaming "PUT ME DOWN YOU ASSHOLE!" Which I ignored. I placed the suitcase by the door and then roll my eyes. "Dude, seriously? You need me to open the door?!." So I open the passenger door and heave the suitcase in the passenger seat and then circle round the back with my shrieking and wiggling friend and pop the trunk open. My friend, realizing what I'm doing shouts, "IF YOU PUT ME IN THAT TRUNK YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!" and immediately after that there's that really loud and unnerving squealing sound a police car's loudspeaker makes when it turns on before I hear a very loud. "PUT THE WOMAN ON THE GROUND AND STEP AWAY!" with those instructions being repeated by very serious sounding voices behind me and the sound of footsteps approaching rapidly. We both freeze and I put her very gently on the ground and take two steps back, keeping my hands very far away from my body. As soon as there was separation between us I was told to get on the ground and place my hands on my head, which I did very calmly and slowly. Followed by instructions to not move. I had my fingers crossed in my head that my friend wasn't vindictive enough to feed into it, and thankfully enough she had mercy this time. "No, he wasn't kidnapping me, he's just an overgrown child who doesn't think things through." "Yes, we arranged for him to pick me up and drive me home from the airport. He's just a dumb ass." "No, I am not under duress, I promise, he's just an idiot. I would like to go home now, can we please leave?" "Yes, this is my parents address, this is my cell phone number, feel free to follow up in an hour. I'll be there." After a few minutes of conversation I'm allowed to stand up and given a bit of a lecture about how seriously kidnapping is taken at airports, and such matters aren't considered funny. Which I soberly agreed with, swearing up and down that I hadn't even considered the kidnapping perspective and thought it would just be funny. Once the police withdrew I put the suitcase in the trunk and let my friend get in and we drove off. Which led to a SECOND lecture about how much of an idiot I can be, which I agreed with wholeheartedly. I'm sure she's going to get revenge somehow. Update: Revenge found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18naqml/tifu\_by\_treating\_my\_friend\_like\_her\_suitcase/ TL;DR: Friend's flight was delayed, thought of a funny thing to do at an airport and treated my friend like luggage and her suitcase like my friend, put suit case in front seat, went to put friend in trunk, and airport police was not amused.

TIFU by lying to my parents about where I went and what I did and using them to get there

INFO: I'm a F teenager. I'm in high school, currently in the most important year of my student life in my country. My family is conservative and overprotective. I never leave the house alone, and the most liberty I have is to drop by the grocery shop. The school I go to is very far from our house, which is why I take the school bus instead of being dropped off. It's practically 25 minutes away by car on a not busy morning/afternoon. Sometimes, our teachers offer additional study sessions on saturday mornings. They're mandatory, so my father drops me off when they happen. Key info, though: They are always held at the same exact time the volleyball training sessions are held in the school. It's note worthy that I love velleyball. I have been wanting to participate in the volleyball club for three years now. It's my favorite sport (not mild love, I wanna do it all the time kind of love). I used to be a member of this club until my parents told me to quit as punishment for ditching tutoring classes. That was the first fuck-up. It was about a year ago. I tried to convince my parents repeatedly to let me participate this year, but to no avail. My father refuses to take me because it's a 20 minute ride and his job is the other way, my mother doesn't own a car, and they won't let me take a cab or bus or even bike there. So I would have to just not go. I even brought up the way I attended last year, which was by sleeping over at my grandmother's place, which is closer, and taking a cab in the morning to get there. Anyway, none of it worked. And so here is where I fucked up; I told my parents I had mandatory class when I didn't. I woke up, wore sweatpants and a tee and covered it up with a (not at all sporty) sweather and wore normal shoes. In my backpack, I packed books because I'm scared, I put in the shirt I would change into once there and went downstairs to meet my dad. Because my luck is really bad, today happened to be an exhausting morning for my dad. He had to drop off my brother at the airport at 7:30 and then come back so he could drop me off at school and then go to work. I didn't know this. He usually wakes up around the time I do and drops me off and then goes about his day. I should've aborted my plan at this point. But I didn't. And I regret that now. The moment he saw me, he paused and went,'You're not going there to play, are you?' And though my heart dropped, I kept a rather surprised look on and told him I just felt comfortable in these clothes and that I could go change them immediately if he wanted. He shook it off and seemed to ignore the issue. I went back upstairs to grab my phone, and I suspect he checked my bag because it was slightly open. (There were books inside, and the shirt wasn't visible to my knowledge) I went. Played. WROTE DOWN MY NAME STATING I WAS PRESENT LIKE AN IDIOT (i forgot 😭). The session was not even worth all of that trouble. It was mid, and I didn't even get to play much, amplifying my regret. I came back home, and the moment I walked into the kitchen, my mom's expression dropped, and she went,'You went to play volleyball!?' And I gave her a 'what?' Paused 'no, i'm not even wearing sports clothes. I just feel comfortable in these pants, etc' She wasn't having it. She was already pissed bc of other reasons. So this was the cherry on top. She swore to me that if she found out that I went and played instead of studying, she would really end me. She reminded me of how much of a pain it was for my dad and I went 'And you think I would do that to him?' And so on 😭😭 She swore again that if she uncovers that I went, I would regret it deeply and so on. And I just went, 'well, I didn't go so it doesn't matter' and held back on the excuses and the subject at all. I mentioned some random things I made up as though they happened in class and talked about silly stuff to make her forget. I checked her phone for my maths teacher's number and it doesn't seem she has it, or at least has him registered as 'maths teacher' or 'teacher' or 'school name'. My dad is the one in charge of anything school-related, so it's unlikely she had their number, but I'm losing my mind at the possibility of her finding out. I'll be so damned. I regret this so much. The session wasn't even worth it. TL;DR: My dad went out of his way to make me attend class, but instead, I went to play volleyball instead like the dumb teenager that I am. Now they're suspicious af and swear that I will have many regrets in case they find out that I indeed went and played instead of study.

TIFU when I didn’t realise my cat ate yarn.

Let me start by saying I feel horrible about this and I’m going to do everything to make sure my little furball is ok. Please don’t blast me, I already blame myself enough. Take my experience as a cautionary tale. Yesterday morning I was working on a crochet piece, I’m new to crochet and had some loose off cuts on my coffee table, I thought nothing of leaving them there whilst I was working, I’d throw them out when I was done. I was focused on my crochet, trying to get it right and I looked down in time to see my 7 month old kitten swallowing the last bit of yarn. I dived after her, trying to grab her so I could pull it out but she’s a slippery cat. I rushed her to the vet who tried to make her sick to get it out, this didn’t work. I was advised to take her to the emergency vet. The first one I went to told me they couldn’t do anything. The second one took 4 hours to see me. When they did they told me I had 2 options, they could try laxatives to get it out or try a scope, a 50/50 shot since it had been hours since she’d eaten it by this point and it may already be in her intestines in which case surgery is the best option. But both surgical options would have cost $2500 or more. I decided I needed to try the laxatives and hope that worked otherwise there was a good chance I’d be on the hook to pay for 2 surgical procedures if the scope didn’t work. I’m now waiting anxiously, hoping and praying she passes it and we don’t have to take the surgical route. Please, please fellow cat pawrents, be careful, you never know what your pets may decide is a good snack. And get pet insurance. I’m terrified the yarn will cause internal damage. TLDR: didn’t keep an eye on my cat, and I’m terrified I’ll lose her. Edit: I had one or two people asking for updates, update is short and sweet, a week later she seems fine, is back to following me around the house and purring at me whenever she approaches me. The laxatives kicked in and we assume she passed it since she’s had no behavioural or appetite issues. We’ve learned our lesson and are keeping the environment clean and using bins with lids. Thank you everyone for your advice and well wishes and I’m very relieved and delighted she’s safe and happy. Happy Christmas if you celebrate and make sure your cats and all other pets avoid tinsel and ribbon this festive season.

TIFU by missing a meeting with one of my idols

So there's this webcomic artist I'm a big fan of that I support on Patreon. He allowed me to come on his podcast to tell my work stories with a date and time. I set about writing down three pages worth of amusing experiences I've had at my job (stagehand) along with various points I'd like to make, which having listened to his show I felt he would find worthwhile. I get my mic set up and everything a couple hours before the meeting. I figure that I can take a nap and go do. Alarm gets me up on time. I go to my computer... .... And learn that he's an hour off me in time zones, which I hadn't calculated for. He's polite when I enter the Zoom meeting and still there, but very firm that this is not going to happen ever. He just wanted to tell me that directly. I don't feel that there's anything I can do but say I understand and log out immediately, then I come here to share this. It's a bit awkward as I fairly regularly respond to the guy's tweets and such, and unless I end my Patreon subscription he's probably going to feel uncomfortable doing Patreon shoutouts to me. I have no idea if I should let this be a clean disconnection or if I should just leave him alone for awhile and resume being a quiet fan after due wait. TLDR: Missed zoom meeting for podcast episode by most of an hour, now can't communicate with artist I'm a fan of. UPDATE: I forgot to mention that while I didn't account for the time zone difference, he did in the original message. He's not the dick, I am.

TIFU by eating two cups of grapes in one sitting

Today is the day my frivolous actions have caught up to me. I'm a college student attending classes at a university thats a considerable length away from home because of this I fly home for the holiday breaks quite often. I'm writing this post on my way to the airport where my past has unfortunately caught up with me. Earlier in the week me(19) and my gf( 19) went to the grocery store for some food to get us through the last week before break. Tortillas, cup ramen, lunch meat, the works. It had been a while since I'd had fruit that hadn't been from the school cafeteria so I decided that a carton of cotton candy grapes would be the fruit to satiate me. Mistake number 1. We bought the grapes on sunday and my girlfriend dosent really like grapes that much, so I pretty much had the whole carton to myself and a week to a easy a perfectly normal amount of grapes. Monday rolls to close, not a single grape missing. Tuesday was no good either. Wednesday was a start, but only a handful or so had met their end. Thursday night, last night, would be the evening wherein me and my cluster of grapes would meet. My girlfriend and i had gotten back to her dorm, and were putting on a movie. About halfway though it i decide that im kind of hungry, which is when i remember. My grapes! I excitedly retrieve them and return to my spot on the bed next to my gf. About a quarter of the carton is gone when I wonder aloud, " do you think something bad happens to you if you eat to many of these?" A short google search later and now we know that grapes are classified as laxatives. Uh oh. We look at the amount ive already eaten and decide that "eh, this is probably fine". I'm sure you know where this is going by now. A smarter man would have cut his losses and either waited til tomorrow or just tossed the rest of them. Wasteful I know, but the university makes you unplug all your appliances anyway so they would have gone bad in the fridge regardless. Dear reader, I did not stop eating grapes. By climax of the Muppets Christmas Carol I had successfully neutralized the carton of grapes, still blissfully unaware of what was to come. The morning of the 15th, today, I woke up as usual. My love was snuggled warmly in bed next to me, all was well. Until it wasn't. I usually have to go pee about 15-20 minutes after I wake up, but today was different. I had to shit, and bad. Thinking that this was the only point in the day that this would matter, I shrugged it off and went about the rest of my tasks. It happens again. And again. I will spare you the rest of the past and bring you to the now. I've basically been shitting my.brains out all day, and I'm quite fearful that this will carry over onto my flight. My guts feel horrible just sitting in this shuttle. I'll hustle through security and plant myself as near to a bathroom as I can once I get to my gate Edit: fixed my grammar, typing from mobile was frustrating Changed "diarhetic" to "diuretic". I tried to remember how to spell the latter and didn't hit the mark, as some of you have graciously pointed out Edit 2: changing "diuretic" to "laxative". Poor research on my part TL;DR : I ate an inordinate amount of grapes last night , causing me to crap my brains out for the majority of today and likely for the duration of a flight I have to board later this evening.

TIFU Mistaken potatoes for other food

Work paid for a trip to Irvine CA, we had a fancy gala at a really nice country club. They served dinner with Beef Wellington. I have never had it before. It was a self-serve buffett. Nothing was labled. There was a bowl next to the Beef Wellington. It looked like mashed potatoes, although a bit chunky. It should have clued me in that it was not due to the bowl size. I got a really big scoop of it and plopped it right in the center of my plate. Next to it was a bowl of gravy, roughly the same size as the one the potatoes were in. I covered the potatoes in gravy. Sat down and began eating. I tend to eat one food at a time until it was done, so I was eating the other stuff first. Some stuff was touching eachother on the sides. I kept tasting something spicy, but I didn't think anything of it. I go to eat the mashed potatoes. I love mashed potatoes so I took a really big bite. Immediately I could barely breathe. I grabbed my fancy cloth napkin and tried to spit it all out, but it just kept coming, it was all stuck in my mouth. I was trying to keep the others at the tablefrom seeing. It took all of my composure not to scream in pain. Turns out it was horseradish! There were no mashed potatoes being served. The gravy was supposed to be for the Beef Wellington. TL;DR Mixed up and ate horseradish that i thought was mashed potatoes.

TIFU by mistaking her friendliness and ignoring her bf

Consists of two parts (Intro and TIFU). TL;DR below. **Intro:** The past few years haven't been kind to me (m25). My first relationship failed, when I joined a fraternity in my first semester of Uni. This fraternity had some particularly nasty group dynamics which caused me to develop severe depression and CPTSD (both clinically diagnosed). Which in turn led me to ruining my first long-term relationship. Having low self-esteem, longing for connection and intimacy I plunged right into another long term relationship with someone, who according to my therapist, is likely a narcissist. The gaslighting and general abuse made for some spectacular shitshow during which I actually seeked for help and finally got diagnosed with depression and CPTSD. After this shitshow of a relationship I decided I'll take some time off from being a serial monogamist. I decided to stay single for an arbitrary amount of time (decided for \~1.5 years), withdraw a wee bit from social life and get my things in order. Last November was when I decided I'd be open to maybe date again. Part of my efforts to get my things straight was to move to a nicer student apartment. I realized my neighbours are open and friendly. Thus I decided to create a WhatsApp group for neighbours, where we can communicate things like "Hey, I am having a party, it's gonna be a bit louder, sorry for the inconvenience" etc.. I sought after my neighbours asking whether they'd like to join that initiative of which nearly all wanted to. During that I met her (22f). **TIFU:** Whenever, I met her (22f) in the doorway, I recognized her huge beautiful smile when seeing me. I struck up conversation with her several times, when I recognized she was laughing at every bad joke I made. She was, at least to my assessment, looking deery-eyed at me during those conversations and even closing the physical distance by herself, when we talked. Last week I decided to take my shot and go out. I messaged her via WhatsApp "Hey, wanna go out so we can talk properly". During the texting, I escalated things a bit by writing "If you'll be a good girl, I am inclined to cook for you 😋". When confirming whether our "tea-date is still on", she confirmed. Welp, happy me. Last week on Thursday, we met at a barista and talked. Same thing, huge smiles, big green eyes, good conversation. Touching felt natural not forced. While talking, she was asking questions about me. After the drink, we went for a walk to the close-by park. Also, good talking, great time. Even walked arm in arm for a short duration. In total: great time, 10/10 would enjoy again, if it wasn't for one thing: She mentioned her bf of 6 years. 🫠 She mentioned him very briefly and it felt odd. My gut was indecisive. I decided to go with the flow. If it wasn't for her mentioning him, I would have gone for a kiss. We get home and say our goodbyes. If I remember right, she asked when we'll meet again and made plans. Over the weekend she blocked me on WhatsApp. Last monday, she saw me in the doorway and wanted to talk with me. She sternly told me: "I (me) said/wrote things that crossed boundaries and disrespected her and her bf. She's pretty happy in the relationship." and how could I mistake it for something else, she mentioned her bf! I stammered some reply, I wasn't mentally there due to a work emergency I was going through in my head. Well, she blocked me on WhatsApp. Starting today, she's ignoring me whenever we meet at the doorway. Guess, I've withdrawn long enough from society to mistake kindness for interest. **TL;DR:** Met with a neighbour. Her behaviour led me to the conclusion she liked me. She briefly mentioned her bf of 6 years, something felt odd about it. Decided to go with the flow. Had a nice evening at barista and a nice walk, even walking arm in arm shortly. Last Monday she sternly told me she's in a happy relationship, I was being disrespectful to her and her bf and how I could mistake it for smth else. Well, I guess my social skills got a bit rusty and I misjudged the situation completely. ​ EDIT: English is my third language, I decided to write this down quickly during my break. I am sorry for any mistakes!

TIFU by trying to change my piercing jewellery

Dear Reddit, This TIFU is actually from today! It happened less than an hour ago, and as I sit here reeling from the emotional damage I have incurred, my only consolation is writing this post. It started, as many stories do, with me feeling bored and impulsive, deciding that I wanted to change out my ear piercing jewellery for something in a different colour. My piercing is pretty new and in a fiddly fold of the ear, so I struggle just to get the barbell in. I knew this and I've had trouble with the process before, so the hell I was about to get into was one of my own making. I got out my new set of little surgical steel screw-balls adorned with dark purple stones and a couple of pliers to help hold the piece still during the screwing process, and I wandered over to the bathroom mirror to get it done. The last time I did this, I cleverly put the stopper into the sink so that the tiny pieces wouldn't disappear into the stygian abyss of the drain, but for some reason of hubris or laziness I decided that this time it wasn't necessary as I wouldn't be leaning quite so close to the mirror. Of course I received divine punishment in the form of my barbell with one ball attached popping out from between the jaws of my pliers and. Directly. Down. The. Drain. I stood there for a minute, shaking in sheer disbelief that things had gone wrong exactly the way they weren't supposed to, before deciding it would be too stupid and wasteful to lose my newly acquired steel ball and my ONLY barbell of this type. Off I went traipsing down the stairs to grab a screwdriver. Time to disassemble the sink. As I was unscrewing the drain from the water lock, some... Substance started extruding from the treads of the screw. The foul stuff was creamy and vaguely flesh coloured, and as I was about to grasp at the screw, something in my body stopped me. I can't do this without gloves, I thought. Luckily I still had some nitrile gloves sitting on a dresser against the opposite wall, so I slipped on a pair. I took a deep breath. Into the grim dark of the drainpipe I go. I quickly realised it wasn't going to be enough to just reach down through the initial pipe with a pair of tweezers. The jewellery was nowhere to be seen, and I decided to check the water lock to see if it had stayed in there. If I put the pieces into a bucket as I unscrewed them, I would be able to shake them and hopefully shake out my little barbell. My horrors, however, had only just begun. Out from each newly disassembled component of the water lock came flooding the worst slop you can possibly imagine. I don't think there is a word in any human language for what I saw, but I am certain that in whatever language tyranids speak, they have a word to describe its beauty. Picture every human bodily waste mixed together, interspersed with clumps of long hair and compacted bits of filmy goo shaped by the parts they'd been stuck in between. I was actively trying not to smell it. Oh! Corpses! Rot and decay! As the gunk flowed out from the poor, wretched, long-uncleaned pipes, chunks slapping to the floor beneath, I recalled that maybe a year ago, maybe two, I had drunkenly vomited in this sink. My gag reflex needed constant suppressing as I focused on my breathing and how it would NOT be happening through the nose. A small spark of triumph as a metallic plink sounded from the bucket - the jewellery! My joy quickly faded in favour of despair once I realised I had to reach my thinly gloved hand into the gelatinous mass and squish the congealed lumps between my fingers until I felt something hard. Thankfully I didn't have to squish long before I retrieved the barbell and put it aside, safe in an empty cardboard container for now. Ohhh! Putrefaction! All I'd wanted was to change my jewellery! Yet here I was, wallowing in unholy filth, forced to clean a sink cursed with years of human ejecta rotting inside! My partner came home to find me a moaning, sobbing mess, standing hunched in the bathroom with sink-cabinet drawers and pipe parts strewn about, an ungodly stench in the air. Kind angel that he is, he helped reassemble the wretched construction as I frantically cleaned the rescued jewellery and wailed about the horrors I'd seen - and smelt - and how I didn't feel clean no matter how many times I washed my hands. TL;DR had to unscrew my sink, found years worth of MEGA STINK GUNK

TIFU by missing out on sex due to cutting my penis

Happened last night. So to relieve stress from finals week, I (24M, college senior) hit up Tinder to find a girl to spend some time with. I'm pretty average looking (but tall at least) so matches for me, and matches that go anywhere, are VERY infrequent and rare. Anyways, hit up the app 3 days ago, nothing. Not surprising. Hit up the app today, and later got a match. Then my eyes widen as I realize who the match is. TLDR it's a friend of a friend of a friend, and she is faaaaar out of my league. Stunning, beautiful, sexy, etc. So I nervously begin chatting with her, mutual "haha weird to see you here anyway wyd" ensue. Move to instagram, do a video call. Its going great, I ask if she wants to go for a bite somewhere, she says she'd rather stay in, but im free to come over if i want. Nothing explicit was said but well... we were both laying on the hints very plainly. So I get ready to head over. Realize some manscaping is in order. Get to it... and accidentally nick myself down low. Tiny cut, but bleeding substantially. I realize with horror what it means. She was texting me as I was getting ready, getting increasingly flirty, and I have to break her the news that last-minute, I suddenly cant come over. Asks why. I fess up. And she goes radio silent... then blocks me. I look back on Tinder. yup, gone. Amazing what a tiny mistake can cost you. TL;DR Matched with a 10/10 wayyyy out of my league, we flirt, she invites me to her place, I accidentally cut myself manscaping and bleed so can't go. She blocks me and goes radio silent. EDIT: Obligatory "wow this blew up" thread. Getting downvoted for things like "yeah I was an idiot, there were other tactful solutions, I fucked up", so rather than reply I'll tack the hindsight points here: -Yes, I'm confident she wanted to have sex. Idk what to tell you guys. It's tinder, I can tell when a girl just wants a "hang out and let's vibe" and "hey we fuckin ot what". I'm no sex god but ive had couple of ONS this way in college. If you think sex was not what she was after and I'm an idiot, I don't know what to tell you. You're wrong -DESPITE THAT ^, This is still a complete fuck up and I'm a moron. No hard-core sex didn't rule out making out, just hanging out together and getting drunk, or me going down on her. All great ideas and I'm an idiot for not thinking of that. My tendency to drop the ball at critical moments got me. -As mentioned, cut was below condom reach. Idc if it's dangerous to only me, only her, or us both, I wouldn't risk that kind of unsafe sex with an unhealed wound, even if the bleeding stopped. If you wouldn't have cared, great, you do you. Anyways, hope my MULTIPLE failures as a guy here at least made you feel a bit better about your own days. Remember boys: manscape often, or it'll cost you in the worst way.

TIFU by accidentally inhaling a ridiculous amount of Polyurethane.

Over the last month, I have been working on building myself a new office desk. Picky ole me couldn't find a desk on Amazon I liked because it wasn't wide enough or it wasn't deep enough. So I decided to be "handy" and build a desk myself. After all, I took a woodworking class when I was in middle school and that was just over 15 years ago, so I still know what I am doing! /s I start by going to my local hardware store and picking out two very nice-sized slabs of oak wood and bringing them home. I go on to sand each board on both sides and along the edges. Once I am content with the smoothness I proceed to stain each side of the board over four days (one day per each side of the board, I don't have a workbench and space is limited). After each board was finished being stained, I couldn't help but notice that one board was darker than the other... It was darker than I liked so my brilliant idea was... "Sand off the stain!". Now review my previous "()" where I state I don't have a workbench and my space is limited because my brilliant idea is to lean the board against the wall and proceed to sand it down with my face mere inches from the board. No mask or ventilation system. Just me in my basement. I got one side sanded to a point I liked when I realized my nose was burning something fierce. Realizing I probably should not be breathing in the dust created, I continued on sanding, ensuring to breathe out instead of breathe in, after each passing of my sander to the board... I went on to finish sanding both sides of the board and left the project alone for the remainder of the evening. I proceeded on with my evening with my wife when I noticed my nose continued to burn, I finally got the need to sneeze and after sneezing I noticed my snot was..... BLACK... I immediately went and blew my nose repeatedly until eventually the stain/wood dust-coated snot became a regular clear color. I sit here typing this one day after this occurred. My nose still burns a bit, and I have just finished reading about the lead/toxic chemicals in stains and Polyurethane... I probably knocked a good number of years off my life for a stupid desk I was too stubborn to buy off Amazon. TL;DR: didn't want to buy a desk off Amazon, tried to make one myself, stained the wood too dark, sanded the stained/wood inhaling all of the toxic fumes of stain. Only realized the accident after my nose burned, and my snot came out black after sneezing.

TIFU by not paying attention to what hot sauce I used

This happened yesterday night/earlier this morning. A week ago I bought a 5 pack of different hot sauce samplers in a kit for my dad and I to share. The hottest one in the package was missing. I looked for it and found one that was the same shape as the other bottles. I put a bunch on my spaghetti and took a large bite. Immediately it felt like thousands of bees were stinging my tongue, throat, and lips and the whole inside of my mouth. I swallowed a large portion of what I put in my mouth and spit the rest out. My chest started to hurt and I started to feel a pain in my left arm and immediately I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe so I drank straight from the milk jug and drank a whole half gallon of milk in less than a minute and continued to think I was dying. I look at the label and see that it’s not actually the hot sauce from the kit but a hot sauce my dad got in Tennessee were a massive warning label on the back reads “ONE DROP IS ALL YOU NEED!” In caps. So for 3 hours I was laying down hoping I didn’t go into cardiac arrest. TL;DR I accidentally mistaken my dad’s hot sauce for hot sauce I bought a week ago and paid the price for not reading labels and thought I was going to have a heart attack.

TIFU by peeing in a hotel bed

This happened this morning around 9am EST and I'm writing this while sitting on the couch in my room waiting for the cleaning staff to arrive with new bedding. So my TIFU may not be a real fuck up, but it's personally extremely embarrassing for myself. So I'm in New York City for a two week work thing and have a hotel that's paid for by my workplace. I got sick last night and to try to make myself better I took some Nyquil and was pounding water all night to try to flush it out. I fell asleep well enough and then woke up to something wet and warm around me in the bed. At first I thought I was extra sweaty through the night, maybe cause of the sickness I had. But I quickly realized that instead of sweat that it was my own piss I was laying in. I instantly get out, go to the shower and take a quick rinse while also getting my urine soaked clothes rinsed out in the shower as well. I dried off and then put all the soiled bedding in a big black trash bag I had. I hoped that the hotel used one of those waterproof mattress pads but OF COURSE, no. The piss soaked through everything and went into the mattress. And it was A LOT of piss. If it didn't get into the mattress i would've just googled a laundromat and washed all the bedding myself to save myself the embarrassment of informing the cleaning staff. I have some morality left in me and didn't want the next person that rents the room to be laying in a piss soaked mattress, so I went out into the hall and found a cleaning lady. I told her, excruciatingly, that "I had an accident in the bed". She didn't seem too fazed, I'm sure they've dealt with crazier and nastier things. But I still couldn't help but feel horrified that I had told someone that an adult man (me) made a pee pee. After what was probably an hour, finally someone knocked on my door. In stepped the cleaning lady and what I found out later was the Cleaning Manager, a middle aged Indian man. He inspects the bed and then hovers his hand over the affected piss area on the bed asking me "is this the spot?" I'm just standing off to the side trying not to make eye contact at all saying "yes, I'm sorry I'm sick and I drank a ton of water". Then the manager starts using his raw, ungloved hand to push on the piss spot to see how big the area was. I was shook. He tells me he will bring a new mattress and it will be taken care of. I am literally just sitting here on the couch in the room waiting for someone to switch it out so this little nightmare can be over. I can't help but feel judged by all the staff over my incident. I imagine the conversation of the manager asking one of them to bring a clean mattress to a room. "Why, what happened to the one in the room?" "Oh some man baby decided to piss himself because he has no self control and decided it was our problem to solve." I know that's not realistic to think but that's what's going on through my head. TLDR: Pissed the bed in a hotel, had to infrom the cleaning staff about it, and currently debilitated by the embarrassment of it all. Edit: spelling errors

TIFU- lost my Job due to lack of motivation and got caught nodding off

So yeah lost my job, was wondering when it would happen. So been a long time running so here's my story. All started at the beginning of this year a new union contract with the company was gonna be signed but before that all I was going for a raise putting in extra work, time, self made projects, Just when I thought I did enough work and put in for a raise and thought i earned it through my hard work. I'm siting in the office with my manager and engineer, and get the run around literally got told its not like we don't want to give you a raise, so I was denied. Motivation crushed, stopped doing alot busy work I'd do stopped looking for projects unless it was normal or on called to do work, or told to do it. Que in the new union contract now we gotta take tests for raises but also they dropped everyone 1 pay grade so we lost money people were pissed me included So another big drop in motivation, for the rest of the year I felt like slacking, all the time tried to take a step forward and got a step back, got screwed out of a $1 raise then lose another 50 cents on top of that, I was angry for the whole year then I found my motivation again after they declared we'd get back pay if we pass the tests. Ended up working 18 days straight over Thanksgiving didn't get much sleep working nights and having to watch my kid over the holiday week, so I was studying hard sleep depived, nodded off at work from working 12hrs night shift probably nodded off alot those days, passed the tests and 2 days later geting pulled into hr about sleeping and some other stuff, got walked out and told the next day I'm fired after their investigation, And tbh it's my only offense I ever had out their but o well. (TLDR) worked 18days straight watched my kid over holidays 12hr night shifts sleep depived nodded off at work during that time, got pulled into hr and next day fired.

TIFU by keeping a wedding gift from the girls.

Didn’t happen today but yesterday, and yesterday I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Christmas is coming up and I’ve stashed some presents for my daughter in my closet. We moved in March of this year and I hadn’t gotten around to organizing the top shelf in my closet since, so I took this Christmas-present-stashing as an opportunity to do so. While moving things around, I found some *ahem* gifts that I got mostly as gag gifts from my girl friends when I got married. I had kept one of them because it happened to the EXACT size of my husband’s dick and I thought it was hilariously coincidental. I had forgotten about the thing but, since I was organizing, tossed it in the ol bedside table with a vibrator and forgot about it. Fast forward to yesterday. Husband is cleaning in our room and goes to throw some of my random work documents in said beside table. He finds what could be a clone-a-willy of his dick in the drawer and has what can only be described as an *extreme reaction*. He goes on a full on RAMPAGE. How DARE I have this absolutely MASSIVE SHLONG that he could NEVER POSSIBLY compare to with his Very Small Dick. I’m sure my jaw hung open. Like are we looking at the same dildo? It is by no means a monster, but it’s definitely above average. But… so is he? But he isn’t angry about me having a toy, it’s *specifically* that this dildo is a DESTRUCTIVELY LARGE dildo and he has a Humiliatingly Small Penis. But they’re *literally the same size*. A note about my husband’s dick: he could have coined the phrase “husband dick” because it is exactly that. It is not so large that things like anal are completely off the table, but it is a bit larger than average and in my honest opinion, perfect. All this time, all these years of self-deprecating jokes about having a small dick. I thought they were just that: jokes. Until yesterday when I fully took the body dysmorphia beast on by its horns. He raged that I had hurt his feelings because there was no way he could ever compete with something so huge. He demanded remorse but all he got was shock from me because again, same size. I’ve never seen a grown man rage like he did. I had no idea he thought this of himself, truly. It wasn’t until we got the tape measure out and I showed him that even in the midst of this full on fit he was throwing, 100% flaccid, he was almost the length that he thought he was when he is fully hard did he start to look a bit… confused. And then honestly kind of bewildered. And then, kind of embarrassed. It was like he couldn’t accept it. So he didn’t. I told him that later when things were fully calmed down and he was in a better mindset I would prove I wasn’t just lying to him, and that apparently I know his own dick better than he does. And I do. Because I was right. And he’s still like… trying to come to terms with it. And I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that he could perceive two objects that are the same in length and size as two entirely separate sizes, and have such insanely polarizing opinions of them. I will never again underestimate a man’s body dysmorphia about his dick. I guess it was an okay day for him because he found out he’s much larger than he thought he was, but I’m mildly traumatized. TL;DR Husband found a dick in my drawer. I found out he’s fucking blind.

TIFU: Update on Aaron and Jennifer

[HERE](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1767m2p/tifu_by_ruining_my_husbands_relationship_with_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) is the link to my previous post. The TLDR, a while ago I posted that I FU by ruining my husbands relationship with his cousin and surrogate brother. Basically we found out his cousin Aaron was treating his long term girlfriend horribly. I told my husband and he was completely destroyed to learn that Aaron was being such a dick. Anyway on to the update: After Jennifer confided in me, my husband had his meltdown, and I panic-typed on reddit, I sat on everything Jennifer told me for a few days. At the end of the day, she told me she didn't want to break up. And I can't tell her to break up with someone. And my husband, while still pissed, hasn't revealed to Aaron we know all the shit he has done. But I realized her self esteem must be so low, that she is willing to stay with someone that treats her like shit. So I had my mission: Build up Jennifer's self-esteem so that she will break up with Aaron on her own. It worked!! I sent Jennifer these two books someone recommended about loving yourself. I am not a very crunchy person but Jennifer is. The books were a little too "inner-goddess" "mother gaia" for me. But both books are women talking about experiencing abuse and rising above to become career women. It reminded me of Jennifer crying to me and saying "I feel like all I do is support his dreams. When is it my turn?" Which broke my heart when she said that. So I sent her the books and wrote her a note saying that I loved her and I wanted her to realize how amazing she is. After that, she kicked Aaron out of the bedroom and made him sleep in a separate room in her house. She told him that if he wanted to continue their relationship, and since he refused to prove he wasn't at a massage parlor (she asked to see his bill statements for that day and he wouldn't show her), if he wanted back in her bed then he needed to agree to couples counseling. Which of course he didn't want to do. He kept begging to sleep back in the bed with her. When she told me I commended her for putting up a good boundary. And encouraged her to stick to that boundary. A couple weeks ago, Aaron and Jennifer came into town and met us for lunch. My husband and Aaron went out and Jennifer and I went out alone. Jennifer was commenting about them having issues, because she still won't let him back in her bed. Basically he started doing petty shit like changing all the passwords to their streaming services. But then he made a romantic dinner for her the next night. I started putting the bug in her head that Aaron needed to move out. I carefully worded it and just said "It doesn't mean you have to break up, but he needs to get out of your house." Then I sent her a podcast episode about a woman leaving her cheating ex. Not as subtle, buuuut I thought I could push it a little. Last night we got the call! Aaron called my husband and said "Jennifer and I broke up. It's permanent this time." Then Jennifer texted me saying that Aaron was officially kicked out and he is living with a friend. They had a big blowout because they share a music account and he deleted all of her playlists. She even left the house and had her brother and mother stay while he got all of his stuff. He of course had to be petty on his way out and took all her remotes. I told my husband and he immediately overnighted her new remotes and new streaming services for her to use. They still have their finances tangled up a little bit, but hopefully she can get that undone quickly. She appreciated that my husband and I support her even though we are Aaron's family. She is really hoping my husband can help Aaron get his shit together. Unfortunately, I think my husband is really done with Aaron. We've been going through our own grief counseling and issues with my family, and he just doesn't have room for Aaron's BS. He's told me what disappoints him the most is that he is rethinking every conversation he and Aaron have ever had. At my husband bachelor party, Aaron went missing for an hour. He told us (and Jennifer) it was because he couldn't find his car. Now knowing everything we know, he was probably getting a prostitute. He told us Jennifer asked him to buy a van when they first started dating so they had enough room for the three kids. But now we know, Jennifer never asked him to do that. He just showed up with a van and his stuff, and moved his ass on in. I told him, however he wants to move forward with Aaron is his decision. Aaron has been there for us during some really awful time. And I would love a scenario where Aaron would be honest and my husband could help him in some way. But that is up to my husband. Even my therapist said to me "do you have room for this right now." And the clear answer is "no". I do hope at the end of the day this breakup is permanent. And I really hope Aaron and Jennifer stay single for a WHILE!

TIFU awkwardly leaving after a first kiss with a guy.

This was Saturday, not today Okay so this is maybe more of a rant because I feel so dumb. Went on a second date with a guy and it was great. We walked around a park to look at Christmas lights and went to a bar. Probably lasted about 5 hours. On the way back to my car I started to not feel well. I could feel a migraine coming on but I didn’t say anything but was feeling worse and worse. We went in for a hug and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes, very nervous and not feeling the best. So we kissed and I kind of cut it off. I think he wanted to keep kissing. And I smiled and said “okay bye!” And went to my car really quick I felt like an idiot and was thinking he might have taken that the wrong way. He’s not much of a texter which is a bit annoying, but I texted him the next morning and said I had a great time and he said he did too. I asked when we could hang out again and he said he was busy this week and maybe next week (I know this is true bc he had been mentioning it to me for awhile). I said that was fine but I am overthinking because I’m the one that sent the first text and I also noticed he unmatched me with me on Hinge even though we moved to texting a few weeks ago. So we haven’t texted in about a day but we both agreed that we don’t need to be texting all the time. I am wondering if by the end of the week he hasn’t texted me about hanging out again if I should ask him again or just take it as a sign that he is not interested in me anymore. TL;DR - Had first kiss with guy and wasn’t feeling good/got really nervous and ended the kiss quickly and basically ran to my car and said goodbye

TIFU by almost dying from cold milk

This happened in 8th or 9th grade. I had just bought a carton of choccy milk from the vending machine when the bell rang. Shit, we can't have food or drinks in the art class room. Teacher's gonna make me put it away and it'll just be lukewarm later. So I sat down in class and started chugging the hell out of that thing before the teacher would arrive. My teeth hurt. I got brain freeze several times. My throat started burning. Well, I'm asthmatic and cold food and drinks usually just make me cough. I didn't even stop drinking to cough. Halfway through the milk I was wheezing from the cold. Kinda hurt, but I figured it'll pass. Then mid-breath I felt my entire throat just closing shut. I opened my mouth like a goldfish out of water to get some sort of air in my system and... nothing. My throat started filling with slime, my lungs started burning and tears were running down my face. Panic. Still no air. Within 10 seconds I was on the floor, choking and crying in a world of pain because my entire inside was burning, while my classmates had no idea wtf was going on. This went on for probably several minutes and I was on the verge of passing out when it finally stopped on its own. Btw, the teacher wouldn't arrive for another 15 minutes so all that suffering was for nothing. TL;DR: Chugged cold milk and gave myself an asthma attack in front of all my school classmates. Kids are fucking stupid.

TIFU by misunderstanding my CEO and embarrassing myself

Brief background: I work for a company that buys company cars from a particular dealership. Each company car has the same dealer logo. I have worked for this company just over a year. The situation: I am a one-person marketing/advertising department at a small family-run company that has been expanding. I have been rewarded for advancements in our field. I often interface one-on-one with the CEO who is good at advertising and who knows exactly what he wants for our most important ads. It can be difficult to balance my own instincts with an industry that I am not as familiar with, so I appreciate the input. I am in the CEOs office while strategizing our latest ad when he asks if my car is being fixed. The car ran into some trouble while I was traveling to a company event, so it shows that he cares that he asks. I let him know that a local shop is working on it, and I should know what is going on next week. I purchased the vehicle from this company and it is very recognizable in the field. The CEO follows up with "Aren't you about due for a new car?", owing to the fact that I drive an outdated car, to which I responded "of course I am". I am a tech-focused person and he can obviously see that I would rather have a car that has the latest bells and whistles. He thought about it for a second and responded "You're thinking about a brand new car right?", to which I responded "Hell yeah!". This is the usual kind of banter for our field and kind of work. He thought for a moment and followed up with "Would you like me to take you to 'dealer-that-all-of-our-company-cars-are-from'?" And I lost my shit and emphatically said "Hell yeah!!!!" again! He paused for a few moments before saying "I wouldn't be buying you a new car but I could definitely work out a good deal for you." To say I was crushed in this moment would undersell it entirely. I can't even imagine how red my face looked. It has always been obvious when I was embarrassed due to my red face, and one of my co-workers was also in the room! Thankfully I trust this co-worker or else I would be mortified about being bullied about this situation. I kept my facial expressions as stoic as possible and made a comment that my wife would kill me if I tried to purchase a new car. It went about as well as could be expected as I faded back into the work at hand. I couldn't believe how embarrassed I was! I drive a vehicle that is outdated because that's what I could afford to survive to take this job. ​ I don't think the CEO thought anything of it and I'm not trying to take it personally, but it really sucks that for a moment I thought I was being recognized for my work and instead I was misreading the situation completely. As a man, it was honestly hard not to cry on my drive back from work. TL;DR I thought I was being rewarded with a company car, but I got embarrassed instead.

TIFU by Getting Stoned and Going Shopping

A couple years ago I was sitting around my apartment bored out of my mind. These were the days when I would smoke way too much weed on a daily basis, and do silly things to entertain myself. I’ve always had very oily skin despite washing it and moisturizing it every day. It’s genetic I suppose. The perk of this is that I often times stick things to my forehead. So, I was sitting around high out of my mind and I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of coins, sticking each one to my forehead. I got up to take a leak, watched some TV and decided to walk to the nearby grocery store to pick up some things to make dinner. I walk to the store, gather my groceries and notice that people are giving me weird looks. I brush it off. When I return home I realize that I had just been to the grocery store with like 16 cents stuck to my fucking forehead. I felt extremely embarrassed but also laughed hysterically at myself for having gone out in public like that. I wonder what people were thinking. Tl;dr I got high and stuck coins to my oily forehead. Then went shopping, forgetting they were there.

TIFU by Exercising in my 7th Floor Apartment

This happened a few years back but I just remembered it and had a chuckle. I used to live on the 7th floor of an apartment building downtown, in a tiny studio apartment that had a nice view but otherwise was terrible. One winter I was lounging around, full of energy, and it was too cold to go for a walk outside so I decided I would do some jumping jacks for exercise. I set a timer for 15 mins and did several jumping jacks, working up a sweat. This became a normal cardio routine for me. Fast forward to a time I was on the roof of the apartment building smoking a joint (there was a cool lounge area up there). A man was sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette and we struck up conversation. He asked me what floor I was on and I told him I was on the 7th, all the way at the end up the hall. His response was, “wait… dude is that you that fucking does jumping jacks or some shit all the time? I’m the unit right under you.” My face turned red and I immediately realized how goddamn stupid it was for me to be jumping up and down in my apartment, surely driving my downstairs neighbors absolutely insane. I told him it was indeed me, and I apologized profusely. I never did jumping jacks in that apartment building again (instead I did a series of body slams on my stuffed animals every night beginning at 3am) (just kidding). Tl;dr I used to do jumping jacks in my apartment building completely oblivious to the fact that I had downstairs neighbors that I had been pissing off for months.

TIFU by telling my teacher I puked blood

Okay, so this happened a few years ago when I was in high school but I still think about it to this day because its a huge point in my medical history. Whatever, on with the story. So there I was, a normal day at my high school, and I was feeling pretty tired that day, so I decided to drink a cherry mt dew kickstart at lunch, to give myself a little boost. I never drink energy drinks, I hardly even drink caffeinated soda, but I was really really tired so I did it. After lunch I went to my physics class and suddenly I was feeling really dizzy, light headed, and nauseous. I asked my teacher if I could excuse myself to the bathroom and off I went. I stumbled my way down the hall and had that feeling in my stomach of "oh no, something is coming up". Thankfully I make it to the toilet in time and expel my stomach demon into its watery grave. However, when I finally looked into the toilet, I noticed my vomit was bright red. I did what any teenager would do, and promptly panicked. In my head I'm thinking "Oh my god I threw up blood, I'm dying. Wait. Can't look panicked in the halls. People will see me and I'll get bullied. Pull yourself together and calmly go tell Mr.PhysicsTeacher what happened and ask him what to do." So, I did just that. I stumbled my way back down the hall, still feeling dizzy and as calmly as I could said "Hey Mr. PhysicsTeacher, I think I just threw up blood in the bathroom? I really don't feel well and I don't know what to do." This man's face turns white, he is shocked, I think I might have traumatized him a little, I'm not sure! But he looks at me and says "Okay, I'm going to walk you down to the health office." He tells the rest of the class he'll be right back and off we go. I even got to ride the elevator because I was stumbling! I felt cool lol. We get to the health office and Mr. PhysicsTeacher has me sit on a cot while he tells Ms. Nurse what happened. Given I had thrown up blood, school policy is that I need to see a doctor before I can be cleared to return to class. So my mom is called and once again I am whisked away to someone who can hopefully solve my problem. Still dizzy as hell btw. We get to urgent care and they check me over. Everything seemed normal until they noticed my resting heart rate was like in the 110-120 (not normal). They asked what I had to eat/drink that day and I listed everything off, including the kickstart. As soon as I mentioned the kickstart the nurse cut me off and said "wait. What flavor kickstart?" I told her cherry and she immediately asks if when I threw up, had I tasted iron in my mouth. I realized as I thought back, no I hadn't. Nurse concludes that my "blood" was in fact cherry kickstart, recommended I don't drink one ever again because clearly by body can't handle it, and explains away the heart rate as being caused by the caffeine, and I'm sent home with a doctors note confirming for the school I am #notdead! Anyways a couple years later, through a series of multiple medical emergencies including minor cardiac arrest, its discovered I actually have a small heart condition and I am no longer allowed to consume caffeinated drinks because they make me pass out. Its kinda funny looking back now, but definitely wasn't when it was happening 😂 TL:DR I threw up cherry kickstart and thought it was blood. Turns out I have a heart condition and I can't drink caffeinated drinks 🤷🏻‍♀️ EDIT: For those wondering about the condition, the main theory is that I have a condition called Dysautonomia, which is nerve disorder. I have yet to undergo the testing for it to get officially diagnosed so when people ask I usually just say I have tachycardia condition (which is not untrue, just maybe not as specific as it could be)

TIFU by making a huge deal over a harmless parasite and leaving all the ER laughing at me

Hi guys, apparently today is my time to be shine(?). Today we traveled to a nearby city with my family where my brother studies to gather all his stuff due to summer vacations and we went to the market and bought fish (it's a fishing city so fresh fish) well we arrive to my house and I made Ceviche (Peruvian one) and I ate some of it while preparing to check for seasoning (and to grab the first bites) turns out after I made it and let it rest I saw something moving in the bowl and paranoia kicked in I told my mother to check if it actually had parasites or if it was my brain playing a prank on itself turns out it was a parasite a fish one (it had somewhat of a Japanese name it's a red one) luckily my mother knows a doctor and works in a pet shop so we asked inmediately the vet told us it's harmless worst thing that could happen diarrhea 1 or 2 days tops and since worms are my phobia my paranoia was through the roof I was sweating, shivering and had every symptom in the book so I asked for an anti-parasite medicament and told me to quit it that nothing will happen and the doctor my mother asked didn't answer in like 30 mins so I went to a private ER since it's empty, I told the story (not when it happened yet) and asked me for symptoms I told them everything they asked me: "what do u mean by everything?, when did it happened?" me: "Like 1h ago". That's when they lost it they couldn't contain the laughter and I asked: "how long do I have to live?" Their response: "Prob 60 or more years, go to the pharmacy across the street and buy a laxative or an anti-parasite just if u want, nothing will happen if u don't do anything tho" they refuse me service bc it's about 60 USD (it's a fair amount in my country) and bc they will only give me a placebo one of the nurse admitted it to me (at least they gave me the parking ticket for free). A friend (nurse) also told me that nothing will happened and also laughed at me when I told her the story, my mother did the same and her friend (the doctor) also told her nothing will happen. Now I'm waiting for about 6 more hours to be able to drink the anti-parasite that will probably do absolutely nothing but will make me happy, guess who's paranoia isn't gonna let him sleep today! Yay! Tl;dr: I probably ate a harmless parasite (A fish parasite it's red and it has somewhat of a Japanese name) and made and extremely huge deal about it despite vets, doctors and nurses telling me that nothing will happen, ended up in the ER and admitted that I have every symptom in the book and when they asked when it happened? My answer: 1 Hour ago. In the end I bought a anti-parasite that prob will do nothing since the stomach juices prob already killed it.

TIFU by not unpacking from a tropical vacation for a week

Went on vacation last week to Jamaica. It was wonderful, had a great time. Came back a week ago today. I've been lazy and haven't unpacked yet. I literally only wore half the clothes I packed. Now that I'm running out of clothes in my drawers, to further my laziness, I figured I'd finally unpack and put the unworn clothes away so as not to have to do laundry right now. I'm the kind of guy who waits until all of my underwear is dirty before starting laundry. Well... my bathing suit was still pretty wet when I packed it. Everything in the suit case is straight up funked up. The smell is unbearable. I probably have to throw most of these clothes away, I doubt this much funk can be washed out. To make it worse, now I have no clothes to wear unless I do laundry right now. Tl;Dr left a wet bathing suit in a suitcase and stunk up all my clothes

TIFU by being too lazy to eat (UPDATE)

I don't know if anyone will remember this, but around four months ago I posted what I thought was a funny story about me being kind of dumb here ([see link here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/169zr72/tifu_by_being_too_lazy_to_eat/)) and to my surprise I was met with an overwhelming number of people telling me that was absolutely not normal and I should get checked out. I finally did and... well, turns out I have a severe case of Vitamin D deficiency! Like, I cant read the medical stuff but apparently I have an 8 when I normally should have a 20-40 something? So yeah. My doctor's first reaction when she got the results was to ask me "how on earth are you walking around?" before immediately prescribing me a heavy dose of Vitamin D and three shots of b12 and a four months treatment plan. so... yeah. I don't really know what to follow-up with that beyond thanking everyone. Reddit's alarmist tendencies truly helped this time :) TL;DR: turns out I have extreme Vitamin D deficiency lol

TIFU by sending a handmade gift to a person that does the same craft as me but 100 times better.

Long story short - I took part in a Secret Santa event created by a fansite I follow. (Basically online strangers who like the same artist exchange Christmas card and/or small gifts). So my first response was to include a copule of accessories and jewellery I made myself that were inspired by the artist we both like, as well as some sweets, scented candles and beauty products. Now here's the thing. Yesterday they got the package, found me online and I saw they also make jewelry and I was like "aw, that's awesome" but then I started scrolling through their profile. Turns out they make one of the most elegant, classy, gorgeous pieces I've seen so far and my work... well it doesn't look like trash straight out of a garbage can but it's definitely much more colorful, casual and well... in comparison it looks like a rainbow fart made by a 10 year old kid. I'm so ashamed I'm thinking about deleting the profiles where I post my work. There's no way in hell they'll ever do anything with the stuff I sent other than throwing it in the drawer or give it away to some kid in the family. I feel really stupid for not buying something *actually nice* because what on earth was I thinking? That someone will go "wow that's cute!"? I was very full of myself and too confident in my skills and I learned my lesson the hard way. TL;DR - I sent very colorful, sparkly jewellery to a person who turned out to make this beautiful, classy jewellery pieces themselves and made myself look like a fool who's mentally 5 years old. EDIT: A lil update/more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/JXbw5PocDf

TIFU by telling my Girlfriend that she "already looks pregnant"

So, I am on the eve of my 21st anniversary with my wife, and this FU happened when we were dating. Around that time, I was just shy of my 21st birthday and had thought I finally met my match via an internet dating site before internet dating was a thing. We would visit each other often, me going to see her on weekends and her coming to see me during the week. I was in the military at the time and living in the base barracks and my roommate was cool and would leave when she came over so we could have some alone time...Anyways on to the FU We were showering and I was trying to be cute and sweet telling her how beautiful she would look carrying my baby (we had talked about having kids previously) Well, being the awkward kid I was at the time, instead of saying you'll look beautiful when you are pregnant, it came out of my mouth "you already look pregnant" Yeah...her face said it all and my brain caught up a split second later...Fortunately I was able to very quickly save myself and our relationship and she wasn't one to easily fly off the handle regarding this faux pa. 21 years later, married, no kids (that decision was made much later), traveled the world together, and she still roasts me about it, and shares the story with our friends and family who also roast me TL;DR: Was trying to be sweet and flirt with my wife in the shower, and what I meant to say wasn't what came out of my mouth because I was a young dumb awkward kid and she still roasts me about it to this day

TIFU by letting my husband come to my IUD swap

Not gonna lie guys, it was bad. I know birth control typically falls on the woman but I figured my pro-woman, “mom had 5 kids / was breadwinner and two sisters are doctors” husband would be good moral support. Maybe I’d get some brownie points too. I was mostly right but I didn’t think this through. Getting my first one wasn’t too bad. 15 minutes after the procedure (when I was walking to class) I got tunnel vision and had to sit down for a half hour in a random hallway but this time was literally the most pain I have ever felt in my life. Halfway through, they took my shirt off, covered me in wet paper towels, and gave me a barf bucket. I was screaming for them to stop and try again another time. My whole body was VIOLENTLY shaking, I could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips and apparently I was white as a sheet. I consider myself a high pain tolerance person thats not very emotional and never cries ever and apparently my hysterical screaming, ghost like appearance, and very obvious fight or flight response freaked the fuck out of husband. It was so out of character. They told me to stay as long as I needed and I did. Nearly 45 minutes of sipping water, some ibuprofen, and crackers. Doc came back and commented how my face had blood in it again. Anyway ever since husband has been absolutely terrified of my cooter. They said no sex for 48 hours but it was like 2-3 weeks which was very unusual for us. He said he loves me and didn’t want to hurt me. I joked “don’t make me regret bringing you” and crowned him “the best cracker buddy ever” and yet, apparently screaming in pain was a libido killer that made my coochie the Scary Danger Pain Zone. Even after a week and I was clearly 100% fine it was “but what about the strings” or “what if I hit something and the pain comes back” and at one point I was like OMG it was a shitty 2 hours but I was drinking at the bar later the same night and clearly 100% recovered 24 hours later. Anyway, it’s good for 8 years and absolutely still worth it so get your IUD kiddos but at least consider how traumatizing it may be for your cracker buddy, especially if you want them to bone you lol (yes I know childbirth will be worse if we decide to have them) TL;DR Accidentally low key traumatized my bone buddy by inviting them to my shouty, sweary, fight or flighty IUD swap causing him to want absolutely nothing to do with said coochie for 2+ weeks. Edit: Holy Hannah this blew up more than I thought it would! For a couple questions I keep getting, the IUD is for me, not for husband. Other BC have chronic side side effects instead of 1 shitty afternoon and my IUD decreases my cancer risks for one of my health conditions (PCOS). My first one was relatively a breeze—Planned Parenthood does a great job btw, I went for my first in early 2017 when certain people got into office and I was terrified certain rights might be taken away, which they eventually were. It ended up being under $100 which I appreciated when I was poorer. Condoms are just not as effective, and vasectomies are not always reversible. Just because I 100% don’t want kids now doesn’t mean I won’t in a few years and I want that option for me. This is the 1% worst case insertion story I was just straight up not expecting to have but 99% of the time it’s just uncomfortable with some cramping for 1-2 days then 8-10 YEARS of un-fuckupable birth control. The hormonal one I got is the tiniest itty bit of hormones that can make periods lighter or go away and it’s plastic instead of copper which makes the rare complications even rarer. I appreciate all the comments that I should have gotten more pain support like a local anesthetic, stronger pain meds, and the cervix relaxer. If you’re considering an IUD, push for that level of support that I didn’t get. I said it in the comments, but even if for some reason they couldn’t get it up there that day, I would have made another appointment (with better preparation) and tried again because it really is one of the best forms of effective, unfuckupable, reversible birth control on top of the no/lighter periods and decreased cancer risk for those with irregular periods. And for those wondering, the removal part was like 0.5 seconds of pain then it was over so that part was fine! Hubs has recovered emotionally, I really didn’t mean to put him through all that (he rolled his eyes so hard when I said sorry lol “you’re the one that actually had to go through the pain”). He already thinks women are rockstars and knew IUD insertions are never fun so he probably didn’t need a front row seat to watch his wife get hurt, though the crackers were nice. He has always been 100% on board to get a vasectomy as soon as we’re done having kids or if we decide we don’t want any. And yes, he really really is the bestest.

TIFU by making my little brother get so stuck on a bridge that was still under construction that he had to rescued by helicopter

Oblig "not today." This happened when I was (I think) twelve years old. My little brother is four years younger than I am, so that's probably the right age for this story. It's been a while, though. tl;dr: is at the bottom. No animals or children were harmed during or as a result of this TIFU. So when I was twelve (I think), there was this bridge that was under construction near our house. It was part of a larger interstate highway project, and it spanned a major river. The river wasn't as big as the Mississippi, but it was still REALLY big. As kids, we liked to explore the construction zone, play "swords" with bits of rebar, climb all over the earth movers, etc. At the time of this story, the bridge was mostly just gigantic pylons set in a row across the river. They must have been 300ft high. Maybe not that high. I'm no judge of distance. They were high enough that you couldn't see your spit hit the water even if you hocked a really big loogie. Only two or three spans between pylons were paved at either end. Three or four spans in the middle had nothing but enormous concrete beams laying across them. No road. No pavement whatsoever. And no handrails. Just a couple of feet of concrete, lots of open air, and the river hundreds of feet below. So naturally, we decided to use those beams to walk across the entire bridge. There was a lot of planning involved. We picked a Sunday so no construction workers would be there. We packed lunches. We made sure our bike tires were inflated. We wore good shoes and double-knotted the laces. That sort of stuff. The plan was to get to the other side and then hit up a nearby A&W Root Beer place for a victory float. Oh, and we were going to take our bikes with us because the A&W was a bit of haul from the other side of the bridge. This all made perfect sense at the time. At some point in this planning process, my little brother found out and threatened to blab to our parents if he wasn't included. So we were stuck with inviting him. That would later be our downfall, no pun intended. The day came. Weather was good. We sneaked our bikes into the construction zone and glided down the empty Interstate-to-be into the river valley. We paused at the edge of the last paved bit and looked down. We spit our loogies down and marveled at the vast emptiness. But nobody- not even my little brother- chickened out when we picked the beam we were going to cross. The bikes didn't make the trip. There was just too much rebar sticking up from the beams. The loops and spikes would have made shepherding a bike across too difficult. We decided to leave them behind and abandon the idea of going to A&W. The beams were pretty wide- almost as much as our arms spread out. Plenty of room to walk, and really not an issue if you didn't look down. After the first fifty feet or so, it was no worse than a sidewalk, albeit one so high that you'd certainly die if you fell off it. Even so, the only real danger was tripping over the rebar sticking out of the beams. It wasn't like a walk in the park- and we were all more than a little nervous at the thought of falling to our deaths. But we kept going, one foot at a time. On the center pylon, there was a sort of wide platform where some tools and equipment were stationed. So we stopped there to rest a bit. Big mistake. Most of the kids were starting to panic just a little bit because we were finally realizing just how long it was between pylons and how much further we had to go. We had only planned on being there long enough to catch our breath, maybe eat a sandwich, pee off the edge, etc. and then move on to the other side of the bridge. But then two of the kids- including my little brother balked at the idea of continuing. At first, the older kid just wanted to go back. And to be honest, I think we all felt the same way. But putting that first foot on the beam proved to be harder than we all thought it would be. Even I got a small case of "rubber legs" when I contemplated leaving the relative safety of the mid-bridge platform. A couple of the other kids set off, though. So I followed, thinking my brother and the rest of them wouldn't be far behind. But I was wrong. Three kids total, my brother and two other guys, just couldn't bring themselves to go back on the beam. We tried coaxing. We tried shaming. We told them to just crawl if they couldn't walk. No dice. They refused to leave the platform, and my brother started to get seriously upset, even pleading for me to go get our dad. In the end, we had to go home to ask for adult assistance. Did I stay there to comfort my brother? No. I was an asshole. I just left him there with the other two and hoofed it back across the beams to get my bike. None of the kids who made it across with me had younger brothers still stuck on the platform, so I had to be the one to go fess up. Telling your parents that your little brother is stuck on the unfinished bridge down where the new interstate is crossing the river is not something I recommend as a positive family bonding activity. My mom freaked out. My dad started yelling. No one seemed to accept "but he would have ratted us out" as an excuse for bringing him along. We called the cops. The cops came to our house. I had to explain what happened to a bunch of people who really didn't want to believe me in the first place. But hey, I got to ride in the back of a cop car with the lights blazing and siren wailing. Which was cool, although I really couldn't appreciate it at the time. When we got to the bridge, fire trucks of all types and sizes were already there. I guess they thought they could just extend a ladder across a major US river. I seem to remember it being hours before they finally decided to send in the air cav. By then, there were a couple of firemen out on the central platform, and a bunch of folks from the construction crew were out there with them. They had safety harnesses on, which honestly just made the rest of us look bad. But eventually, everyone left the platform except for the three remaining kids and a couple of firemen. And then we could hear the sound of a helicopter approaching. It was a "life flight" copter, so maybe they were hedging their bets in case they needed to take someone to the hospital if they fell off the bridge or something. It didn't take all that long to retrieve the three kids from the platform. My little brother was the first one to be airlifted off. They strapped him in one of those patient baskets, reeled him up, and then whuppity-whupped over to a clearing on our side of the river. We had to stick around for a little bit to talk to the police (side note: nobody gave up the names of the other kids). And then we went home to what was probably the longest grounding of my life. The only silver lining to this whole thing was that the story got out in school, and we got some serious street cred with our classmates. Also, my brother was the envy of everyone we knew for getting a helicopter ride. Oh, and as a really bizarre coda to this story, my brother enlisted in the US Army when he turned 20 and ended up going to Air Assault school- to learn how to rappel down from helicopters. I'm sure his early experiences with dangling from a helicopter served him well. tl;dr: Young idiots decide to cross an unfinished interstate highway bridge across a major American river. One idiot's little brother threatens to reveal the plan unless he's included- and then freezes after getting halfway. Two other idiots freeze up too. Most of the idiots make it back just fine, but those three have to be airlifted off the bridge. EDIT: In response to a couple of questions: - For everyone guessing the timeframe, you're in the right ballpark. I listed my age, so I'm not going to potentially doxx myself with exact dates. But yes, it was before cell phones (and the fall of the Berlin wall, lol) My bike had a banana seat and a wheelie bar, if that helps you narrow it down a bit. - I don't remember exactly how many kids there were because we traveled in large feral packs back then. At least two, maybe three returned with me. That I know for sure because one guy wanted to take a different beam back across. So that's four for sure, plus the three on the platform makes seven. There might have been another guy, but I think that's unlikely. - A lot of detail has been filled in. Storyteller's privilege. Plus this wasn't our first or last idiotic escapade so anything stupid that I said we did is highly likely to have happened. Just not necessarily during this Darwin Award attempt.

TIFU by screaming at a poor woman in my underwear

I (m) have a job that often allows me to work from home when I need to/when it's convenient, and because I get up much earlier than my wife, she often doesn't know if I'm home until I come up from the basement around lunch time (my 2 year old sleeps with us, and my wife often won't get up until 11 a.m. or so because the baby sleeps late). When I'm working from home and don't have meetings, I'll often just be in an undershirt and boxer briefs typing away on my laptop. Well, when I hear them start moving around upstairs, sometimes I like to sneak up and surprise them. The baby usually gets a huge kick out of it and everyone laughs. Some important context: The kiddo is a little behind on some language skills, and we get a visit every week from a woman who works with them to help them be more vocal. (Side note: it is working wonders for our child, and I highly encourage anyone who has a young child that is missing a development milestone or two to seek out the resources available in their community.) My wife handles the scheduling and puts the appointments in the joint calendar we have on our phones. I'm not always able to make the appointments — they are always on a different day and time — so instead of having a conversation about it every time, she just puts the time in the calendar and if I can make it, great. Well, just a few minutes ago, I was typing away in my underwear, and I heard some movement upstairs. I decided now would be a great time to surprise them. I checked my phone and noted that there was an appointment scheduled for 12:45, almost two hours from then. No need to cover up, I figured. As I'm sure you can surmise, this was my crucial mistake. Now, there were plenty of opportunities for me to realize what was about to happen and abort the mission. As soon as I got upstairs, the dogs barked at me for a few moments until they realized who I was. This is unusual and should have been the first clue that someone else was in the house. Instead, my thought process was something like, "Wow, I'm so stealthy I even spooked the dogs!" However, I was thinking clearly enough to realize that the dogs barking alert would alert the fam to my presence, so I started sprinting down the hall to find them, intent on salvaging whatever was left of the element of surprise. I heard laughing in the kiddo's bedroom, which we mostly use as her play room right now, and I'm sure if I had listened more intently, I would have realized there was one voice too many coming from that room. Instead, I raced headlong to my doom. I threw open the door, stepped proudly into the room and yelled, with a stupid grin hanging on my face: "HELLO!!!!" Now, let me paint you a picture. I've recently gained a bit of weight and am what you might call "portly." My undershirts did not sign up for the job they currently have and look every bit as raggedy and unflattering as you might expect. Thankfully, my underwear is in better shape and my goods are secure at all times. Nevertheless, if there is an ideal body type that you want to see bursting into a room half-dressed and screaming at you, it is not me. At about the time when I was reaching the "o" in "hello," I realized we had a guest. As my "o" morphed into more of an "oh!", she kind of reflexively "hello!"d back at me before adding, "I'm here!" I froze in terror and looked down at my underwear, as if realizing for the first time what I was wearing. My wife, dumbfounded, did a sort of nervous chuckle and told me to close the door. I silently obliged. It felt like the moment went on for a full minute, but I'm sure it was only a few seconds. Regardless, it's a moment that will haunt my dreams, and I don't plan on attending any more of the appointments for fear of dying of sheer embarrassment. TLDR: Overconfident in my ninja skills, I attempted to surprise my family but instead traumatized an innocent woman by flashing her my underwear.

TIFU by going shopping for makeup alone

I must preface this by admiting I barely ever use makeup. Not because I don't want to or because I have opinions on the stuff. I just don't have the skills and get disapointed everytime I try so at some point I just gave up. Tutorials dont help. They're like "step one you need pre pre makeup cream, pre makeup powder, pre eye shadow, and finally the eye shadow itself, and you'll need 15 brushes" and you have me with a kiddie eyeshadow pallet completely disagreeing with the idea of buying more pricey stuff just to make the basic stuff work. All that to say, I dont wear makeup and when I do it's lip red and mascara and I struggle just with that. Onto today's... Regretful situation : I had to go to the pharmacy for something irrelevant and I decided I'd drop by the makeup department. I recently saw a friend who's also not that comfortable with putting makeup using some face powder and I thought it didn't look all that difficult, so I might as well get some for myself and try. Not knowing where to look, I ask for help from the lady working the makeup isle and she helps me find the two things I wanted. The powder and something to hide the dark circles under my eyes from working night shifts. She recommends an hydrating cream because I'm constantly dehydrated and well, it does show on my skin. I wasn't agaisn't the idea so I accepted. Before getting to the register I vaguely thought "I hope it's not going to be like 100$, lol". Well lo and behold, my total was 160$. Something worth mentionning about me is that I have severe social anxiety and just general anxiety. I am on meds and seeing a therapist but you know... That's not an instant cure all kind of deal. So upon seeing the numbers, I start panicking because I simply CANNOT bring myself to tell the lady that it's pricier than expected. I had a full on panic attack and went into flight mode. I just wanted out of there as fast as I could so I said nothing and paid 160$ on effing makeup and self care items. It's 100$ more than I anticipated when going in. I feel like such an idiot, I want to slam my head into a wall and mourn my 160$. I wish I had waited to be with some of my friends who regularly use makeup. They could have guided me to affordable brands. TLDR : I couldn't bring myself to explain the final price was more than what I was comfortable with, so I paid 160$ for powdered and creamed regret. Oh and just to rub salt in the wound, they didn't have the item I came in for initially. Because I needed that final "F you" to top it all of.

TIFU by making my girlfriend feel more insecure

Let me preface this by saying my girlfriend has had body issues for as long as I’ve known her. I’ve worked so hard on making her feel better about herself by helping her with her makeup, doing her nails, helping her pick cute outfits, and doing her hair. It seemed like she was making good progress, not obsessively weighing herself, not body-checking herself in the mirror, not worrying about calories. I’m so proud of her for not worrying about that stuff, but tonight i fucked up so badly. My girlfriend and i were having a great night. We spent some of the evening on call with friends, and the rest watching our T.V show. Once our T.V show was over, the discussion of her having sex with someone was brought up. We were laughing and generally having a good time until I stupidly said “she’d never fuck you.” I saw her heart physically break and she began sobbing. I immediately started apologizing and trying to explain that I didn’t mean it in the way she took it, but that it was a sort of “girl code” thing. I feel so guilty and can’t help but cry myself. I hurt her so badly. She can barely make eye contact with me and has been covering her stomach with the blanket. I’ve been holding her, apologizing over and over again. I’m really not sure what to do, I hurt her so badly and I know that there’s not much I can do. TL;DR I ruined my girlfriend’s confidence by telling her “she’d never fuck you” and now she can barely look at me. Update: she told me that me saying that she hasn’t been feeling confident in herself and that what I said “shattered every last bit of confidence that was inside her.” I feel like such a shitty partner right now regardless of her trying to tell me she isn’t mad and that it’s okay because she was planning on dieting again regardless. Update 2: We talked it out. She apologized for doubling down and we discussed how she felt and why she felt that way. To sum up a long conversation, I told her I’d be more careful with my wording, and she told me that what I said caught her off guard which is why she began to cry. She said she’d work on herself both mentally and physically and I said that I’d help her however I could. We pretty much ended the night snuggling and showing each other dumb videos. I appreciate the kind comments, however the people saying she’s a burden or asking if she’s fat I do not. She’s a wonderful partner, we have a wonderful relationship and are absolute best friends. She’s had the body issues long before we met, and she’s been working on them. How she figures out her body image issues is her job, however I can and will do everything in my power to help her.

TIFU by getting an ultrasound scan on my balls.

Mandatory this happened an hour or two ago. Couple of weeks ago I had a minor health scare where I (28 year old male) woke up feeling intense pain and swelling around one of my nipples. Booked an appointment with a mastologist and after getting examined, the doctor reassured me that there was nothing wrong but just to be sure I should do an ultrasound scan on my nipples/breasts followed by my testicles because in a few cases there's a connection between them. At this point I should mention that I have some kind of phobia that I'm not really sure how to describe. It's almost as if when I hear a description or see an image about a body part or organ that is inside of me, I get really dizzy to the point where I might faint. I visit the diagnostic center to get the scans done. I get instructed to remove my shirt and lay flat on my back, with the doctor standing next to me near his desk and computer, so it's pretty much impossible for me to look at the computer screen where the ultrasound is being shown. Doc checks my breasts, everything seems to be ok, verifying what the mastologist examined. Here's where the fuck up happens. The doctor instructs me to stand up so he can check around my balls. By standing up I now have visual on the ultrasound monitor, balls being on full display and all. At first the sight of them made me a bit uncomfortable but I thought nothing of it. Aaaaaand that's about the last thing I remember before fainting and falling to the floor. I woke up with the doctor assisting by elevating my legs to restore blood flow to my head. I am now seriously considering looking into options for therapy to get over this fear of mine. Thank you for taking the time to read my fuck up. TL;DR: Experienced a health scare prompting a visit to a diagnostic center for breast and testicular ultrasounds. Having a fear of internal body parts, I fainted when seeing an ultrasound of own testicles during the examination. Now considering therapy to overcome the fear.

TIFU by inadvertently addressing my roommate’s girlfriend as an elephant

So me and my roommate are best friends since high school and have been sharing a flat for a few years. Both of us were uncommitted for a long time so it was just two of us. I have a quite fucked up work life so he did all the cooking and I used to pay for all the groceries in return. Fast forward to couple of months ago, he hooked up with a nice girl on Tinder and things got serious enough that she moved in with him. Now here comes the problem, he is kind of too sweet on her, so has been cooking a lot of exotic stuff on regular basis. Naturally, grocery expenses increased on top of additional expenses for another person. To be fair, he cooked for me as well and always offered whatever interesting stuff he made and additional expenses weren’t really that much tbh. Still my dumb brain decided that I should confront him at some point to figure out expenses more reasonably taking her into account which I think he would have gladly accepted. Fast forward to yesterday evening when FU started, I casually started chatting about food and stuff with him to bring up the subject. For some reason I decided to start by saying, “Let’s address the elephant in the room”. I told him that how she has moved in and we need more groceries these days so we should figure out something for expenses. Suddenly, he seemed quite pissed off at me. He said that he won’t cook for me anymore and called me insensitive prick and stormed off with his girl for night out. I was kind of perplexed what exactly happened that pissed him off so much since he is not a kind of guy you can easily offend until I realised something. His girl is kind of chubby and overweight and then it hit me what he must have interpreted. We haven’t talked since then but the possibility that I have to cook my own food is scaring the shit out of me now. TL;DR I inadvertently called my roommates chubby girlfriend an elephant and may have to cook my own food as a consequence. Edit: Obviously, I will talk with him later after work and sort it out. I just didn’t talk with him right then since I didn’t really get what pissed him off initially. It’s just that I found this situation quite stupid and hilarious once I realised.