[Keyword: Greeting] DocRobert: Well, it looks like the cavalry's arrived! Come to check up on what's happening here? The name's "Painless" Doc Robert. Don't let the name fool ya. I can be a plenty big pain in the ass when I want to be, it's just not my specialty. HA! DrQ: I too try to engage the matters at hand in the most painless way possible. But sometimes to relieve pain at one location, pain must be inflicted at another. DocRobert: Let me guess: Acupuncturist? DrQ: Among other things. Reaper: Pain is nothing but a sign post pointing toward the final destination. DocRobert: Charming. You must be a hit at parties. Larry: I've got a pain that needs a little treatment. A little voyage dans la lune if you catch my drift. You think you can help me out, doc? DocRobert: I know the perfect bullet for you, my boy. But sadly I'm all out of stock. DocRobert: Anyways. What can I do for you, fellas? [Keyword: Greeting] DocRobert: Well, well, if it isn't the wild bunch. What is it this time? Looking for meds or looking for trouble? What can Painless Doc Robert do for you? Tex: We much better than Wild Bunch, partner. You see when I make movie about us! Larry_Clean: I'm always looking for meds, but what I usually find is trouble. Scope: We're always looking for trouble, love. It's in the job description. [Keyword: Greeting] DocRobert: Hey, hey... the wild bunch is back in the game. I didn't expect to see you again. Magic: Well, I didn't expect you'd see anything at all with those glasses. So I guess we were both fooled. Shadow: Not my first choice, either. Wolf: What can I say? I guess we just can't quit you, Doc. [Keyword: What happened here? Why is everybody dead?] [Keyword: Who are all these armed men?] [Keyword: You're behind this, aren't you?] [Keyword: Redirect] DocRobert: I'm afraid things took a different turn while you were gone. These fine gentlemen came here all the way from Landsbach to be our new hosts. Meltdown: If those guys are gentlemen, then I'm a goddamn princess. Omryn: New hosts? Like... dinner hosts? Blood: I don't think "gentlemen" is the right word for them. I would describe them as "scuzzballs" or "people I may have to kill soon." DocRobert: ...And my new disease hosts, though they don't know it yet. But as Dr. Kronenberg says - if you interfere with an experiment, you become the experiment! Grizzly: That's sick, Doc. MD: That's... awful! What is wrong with you!? Grunty: That is horrible! Does your mother know what you do? DocRobert: Speaking of interfering, I'm afraid your days of sticking your noses where they don't belong are over. Time for the wild bunch to meet their inevitable, bloody end. Guards! [Keyword: What's happening in this town?] DocRobert: Oh, you know, the usual drill. Small fishing village where people's attitudes towards personal hygiene range from ambivalent to hostile. And now they are dying, surprise-surprise. Fox: A filthy mind is one thing, but a filthy body is disgusting... Unless it's sweat - a nice, glistening sheen of sweat... MD: Unsanitary conditions can easily lead to the rapid spread of disease. Do you suspect it's an epidemic? DocRobert: An epidemic of filth and carelessness is about all I'm sure of right now. Barry: I have field manual on hygiene if you need. Grunty: If it would help, I can arrange an emergency delivery of soap and foot powder. Buns: I made an instructional video on the importance of personal hygiene. It's called "Clean and Fresh for Success." I shall send you a copy. DocRobert: I'll be counting the days until it gets here. Thor: It sounds to me like these people need to reinvigorate their auras with a good colon cleanse. Here's what I like to do... DocRobert: Please. Stop. Just write it down for me and I'll look it over later. Okay, Dr. Moonbeam? [Keyword: What is the cause of all these deaths?] DocRobert: Natural causes not good enough for you, eh? Reaper: Dying is as natural as living. The two of them are inseparable. Like two lovers swirling in an endless dance. Gus: Dang, Woodstock, can't you talk straight? Buns: We would like answers, not jokes, Doctor. Give us your expert medical opinion. DocRobert: Just kidding. Well, if it's a disease it's not any one I'm aware of. No traces of poisoning, either. No contamination in the water. Now, you may have noticed that the locals are a little superstitious around here. They're simple-minded country folk. Nails: Hey, man. I'm a little bit country myself. Larry: If you saw the shit that I've seen you'd be superstitious too, man! Omryn: A little superstition is good protection against calamity. DocRobert: I, on the other hand, am a man of science. But God, or whoever is in his place, as my witness: I can't find a single scientific explanation for this carnival of death. Thor: That is because science moves us away from nature. It is only by moving towards nature that we achieve enlightenment. Fidel: Ooh! Dia de Los Muertos! This is Fidel's favorite holiday. I bring many gifts of death! Steroid: I went to a carnival once and found out the strongman game was rigged. It did not start out as a carnival of death, but I made sure it ended that way! [Keyword: Can you provide medical aid?] DocRobert: Sure, why not. I'm sure your mission is more important than mine. All these dying people can wait while I kiss your boo-boos. [Keyword: What can you tell us about Voodoo?] DocRobert: Bunch of baloney, if you ask me, but don't take those crazy-ass pagans lightly. Those people are dangerous. You know, there's something fishy about that old witch Wanda. And I'm not just talking about her steady catch-of-the-day diet! Omryn: This is good idea. We should investigate her food. Tex: Ooh. A fish called Wanda. We should get autograph! Flay: Fishing is to hunting as checkers is to chess. Raven: Pagan Voodoo fishy witch lady? Okay. I'll just add her name to our list of bizarre and suspicious people... if there's room. Kalyna: Perhaps we should throw water on her and see if she turns into a fish! Nails: My old man used to go fishing with a gun, some twine, and a tarp. I never knew what he caught. He invited me along once. I didn't go. [Keyword: Tell us about the dead writer] DocRobert: My friend Roger Wilcox, right there on the autopsy table. Go ahead and ask him anything you like. You'll find he's very open. Flay: That is a very good joke. I will have to remember it. MD: Why do coroners always have such a sick sense of humor? Barry: You're not capable of any humility, are you doctor? Mouse: How did he die? Was it the disease? Raider: Have you been able to establish a link to the other recent deaths? Steroid: Hello? Dead person? Can you hear me? Hmmm. I think he is asleep. DocRobert: He came here to write a book that I was sure no one would ever read. And now it has turned out to be a scientific fact! He died just as elegantly as the other ones. [Keyword: Any more details about the dead writer?] DocRobert: Well, aren't you the nosey type? Can't tell you much. I don't have time for reading, apart from medical journals, so writers don't really interest me. I know he spent his days mostly hanging out with that weirdo Xavier, and scribbling notes in his cabin right behind this one. [Keyword: Isn't the whole Sanatorium infected with a deadly disease?] DocRobert: Could be. I know they had their hands full trying to treat it, that's for sure. I haven't been back there in months and haven't heard any news, either. Who knows? Maybe they're all dead by now. [Keyword: There are some missing pages in Wilcox’s diary] DocRobert: Beats me. If I'm certain of one thing in this village, it is that everyone around here is funny in the head. Have you met the Hog Lady? Mouse: Excuse me! That is no way to refer to a lady. Scully: Women generally like to be called by their names, mate. That's a lesson I had to be taught a few times before I remembered it. Magic: Oh, there's plenty of cuckoos in this town, Doc. I don't even have to look out the window to see one. Scope: There is very definitely a bit of looniness in the air here, Doctor. You may want to test yourself to be certain you haven't caught it. Hitman: Just remember, when you point your finger there's four more pointing right back at ya, Doc. Nails: The only hog I know that's also a lady is my Harley-Davidson FL Hydra-Glide. Now, she's what I call an easy ride! [Keyword: What are you doing here?] DocRobert: I've been sent to investigate why these poor wretches are dropping faster than the dot-com stock market. I usually work as the coroner at the Sanatorium not far from here. That's how I introduced myself, but the fools started calling me "the colonel." Don't mind them... Language barrier. Tex: They think you are a colonel? I guess that make you new sheriff in town! DocRobert: God, I hope not! I'm more of a "have scalpel, will travel" kind of guy. Magic: Sanitarium? You worked with those creepy cadavers? That's wild, man. Couldn't pay me enough for that. DocRobert: That's what I keep telling 'em! Red: Ye did autopsies on those zombies!? It's a wonder you're still alive. DocRobert: We don't like to use the Z-word. Vicki: That Sanitarium place be creepy, mon! DocRobert: Well, creepy is a relative term in my line of work, but... yes. Sidney: What is your opinion of Dr. Kronenberg? DocRobert: One hell of a smart lady, but I try to stay away from her. I recommend you do the same. Larry_Clean: I saw that market dip coming, man! Dot-coms are a scam. I'm invested in big pharma. DocRobert: And I can tell by the tracks on your arms that big pharma has invested a lot into you. DocRobert: Anyway, I stopped correcting them, so now I guess I'm promoted, huh? Haha! Len: Military rank is not a joke, Doctor. Igor: Impossible. You cannot be colonel without many commendations. Gus: Congrats, Colonel! My advice? Retire. [Keyword: We found Wilcox’s diary] DocRobert: Well, here's your proof, wild bunch. Our deceased friend here might be a crazy fool, but he's nothing compared to that old bat Wanda and her pet chicken-heads. They are killing off their own. And they surely won't stop. Just say the word and I guarantee the witch will get what she deserves. [Keyword: You are right, doc. Wanda needs to die.] Nails: Time for the Voodoo lady to take a dirt nap. Barry: It is a thing of regret, but thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Larry_Clean: She's gotta die, man! I mean, think of the chickens! DocRobert: Now, that's what I'm talking about. Glad to see you got a good head on those shoulders and a large enough set of balls to do the right thing. Let's put an end to that freak show. [Keyword: Not yet] Scully: Hang on, mate. We gotta think this through first. Sidney: Sorry, but before we start our own Spanish Inquisition perhaps we should take a moment to consider our options. Scope: Let us take a moment to step back and look at this from range first. DrQ: Greater deeds need a greater amount of time and focus. We should never underestimate the forces of nature. Reaper: The time is not yet ideal. Shadow: Let's snoop around and see if we can dig up that lost page first. DocRobert: Yeah, yeah. Take your time, no need to hurry. It's not like people are dying left and right or anything. [Keyword: We know you infected the whole village] DocRobert: That is a bit far-fetched. I have thrown a spark, but the fire burns on its own. And this strain of the Red Rabies is hot as hell! The patients enter the catatonic phase before the personality loss phase, which may be the solution to Dr. Kronenberg's main issue! MD: Jesus! How can you call yourself a doctor? Steroid: I feel bodily urges to squash you like a puny bug. Fauda: You are a servant of Shaitan! Prepare to be sent back to him... with my regards. Smiley: I do not know what any of these medical words mean, but I will be sure to ask someone after I kill you. Mouse: You are easily in the top five of the most disgusting people I have ever met! Blood: I'll be sure to pass your notes along to someone who cares right after I finish carving you up like a dinner roast. DocRobert: Now, before you become too emotional for me to handle, please meet my friends from Landsbach who needed this village as much as I needed their cooperation. [Keyword: We know you infected the whole village] DocRobert: That is a bit far-fetched. I have thrown a spark, but the fire burns on its own. And this strain of the Red Rabies is hot as hell! The patients enter the catatonic phase before the personality loss phase, which may be the solution to Dr. Kronenberg's main issue! MD: Jesus! How can you call yourself a doctor? Steroid: I feel bodily urges to squash you like a puny bug. Fauda: You are a servant of Shaitan! Prepare to be sent back to him... with my regards. Smiley: I do not know what any of these medical words mean, but I will be sure to ask someone after I kill you. Mouse: You are easily in the top five of the most disgusting people I have ever met! Blood: I'll be sure to pass your notes along to someone who cares right after I finish carving you up like a dinner roast. [Keyword: Goodbye] DocRobert: And let's not forget about social distancing. Whatever we've got here is probably very infectious.