I dunno. Do you give points for enthusiasm? This is like John Landis's "Schlock" or "A Polish Vampire in Burbank." The script reads like Hecht-MacArthur for morons. "Coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid." Like that. But the botched attempt to be snappy means that it looks REALLY good up against the trudgery of Astro-Zombies or my last Filipino outing, Curse of the Vampire. John Carradine must have been on set at least two or three days, and they give him some Whitman and Shakespeare to recite for old times sake. There are three vampire babes - the blonde does a great Swedish deadpan - and they do this endless ten-minute three-on-one sex scene, complete with wah-wah guitar, with this guy who might as well BE Steve Guttenberg. He must have been a co-producer. They live in the cemetery under this stone trap door which closes with a perfect styrofoam 'thud'. The music cues cut in and out abruptly all over the climax. The theme song, bearing the original title "Vampire Hookers," is goofy and tasteless, like the rest of the movie, which gives you xenophobia (locals feed the sailors duck embryos) and homosexual panic (a cross-dresser at a urinal, plus the line "Hey! You've got balls!") in the first five minutes. But I am also responding to the fact that this is a film of legend, which Sean Welbourn described to me in wonderment back in Grade 11. It is the film with the guy who sucks his farts through a hose. This actually happens. What does NOT happen is, nobody says "Sounds like a fart - let's get out of here!" My world is shattered. But I guess it's better to know. I'm rating it low as a push to get it on the bottom 100, it's some kind of glory anyway.