What do you get when you throw a 13-year-old girl and a fifty something old lady in a room together and tell them to churn out a script? Apparently, it's "Thirteen," which is in my opinion one of the biggest cinematic abominations of all time.<br /><br />This garbage heap of silver screen melodrama tells the story of a 13 year old girl named Tracy who, over the course of what seems like a week, is turned into a drug-using, self-mutilating hussy when she befriends a "popular girl" named Evie (is it just me or is there too much business over who's "popular" and who's not in films about adolescence?). Throughout the course of all this, she begins turning on her mother and her family, who seem kind of unshaken by most of it until the last 15 minutes of the film.<br /><br />Perhaps my hatred for this film comes mainly from the way the girls at my school talk about and how it was "Just like real life." Keep in mind that these girls are rich white suburbanites, not poverty-stricken kids in the ghetto like the ones in the movie. But putting that aside, I'd say that the film's biggest problem is it's script, in that it is entirely unrealistic and melodramatic. I watched this movie with people who said they loved it, and at times even they laughed at some of the dialog. Apparently for the girls at my school, "Guys I totally just stole all this!" "I don't think I've ever seen this much money in my life!" "Let's go shopping!" "Hell yeah!" is realistic dialog. The next major problem is the acting. Evan Rachel Wood's Tracy is entirely irritating and ridiculous, and while watching this film I found myself not feeling sympathetic but annoyed. I grit my teeth every time she speaks.<br /><br />Most of the praise for this film moves towards Holly Hunter's performance as Tracy's clueless mother. I know a lot of moms in real life who are like her in that they try to be hip and let their daughters do whatever they want, but I can't see playing that role as much of a challenge. Tell me, when was the last time someone won an Oscar for acting stupid and clueless? Lastly, we move on to Catherine Hardwicke's pretentious style. The look of this film is mainly grainy steady cam shots that inter cut with one another. Granted, there are some sequences that look and sound pretty alright, but for regular scenes it's just annoying. This should be studied by filmmakers who want to make up for their abysmal storyline and acting with fake art-house cinematography that will land them a spot at that super-indie underground film festival, Sundance. You know, the one with it's own cable channel.<br /><br />I'd say avoid this one at all costs, and if you hear someone say something nice about it, don't take their phone calls.