I have yet to see the big-budget Beowulf movie from a couple years ago, probably never will. I don't care for big-budget movies, I like them old and obscure, and sometimes, downright awful. Despite all that, I got a strong feeling Beowulf is probably a decent watch compared to this one. And whatever vague connection these two movies share, really makes no difference to me, because big-budget cinema ain't my cup of tea, and Beware: Children At Play ain't worth a damn.<br /><br />Yay, it's a camping movie from the 80's. Father and son, playing, and frolicking among nature. Awkward little scenes involving the father quoting Beowulf, and father and son singing "Old McDonald". Father chases son a tad too much, and gets his leg stuck in a bear trap. Son sits by dying fathers side for days, listening to him go insane, and obsessively quoting Beowulf, and eating beans. A lot of talk about cannibalism. Father croaks, brain-washed son ditches beans, and mutilates and eats freshly deceased father. Wait a minute, this isn't a camping movie, this is an extremely low-budget, not well thought-out, non-Kaufman, Troma movie... from the 80's.<br /><br />Fast forward 10 years. John Dewolfe, along with his irritating little family is driving out to rural New Jersey to help out his old army buddy (sherriff of Rural New Jersey) and his irritating little family, who are all stressed because his daughter was kidnapped. Actually, a lot of kids from this little town have turned up missing. Is it foul play, or did they simply take off because they were sick of this lifeless town? Well, whatever the case, sci-fi writer, John Dewolfe, Army-buddy-Sheriff, his pal, Dr. Fish, and a psychic should have enough brain power between them to get to the bottom of this.<br /><br />After the first few scenes, involving father and son time, my expectations were already low enough. I had come to terms with exactly how bad of an experience this was going to be. Which, if my naive assumption had been accurate, this movie wouldn't have been all that bad. Enter John Dewolfe and family, and everything goes to Hell. Beware: Children At Play is just plain boring, and there's no way around it. Not the worst I've ever seen, not even remotely the worst from Troma, but this just gives you no reason to welcome it into your collection. For far more worthwhile non-Kaufman Troma's, check out Decampitated (an actual camping movie), or Redneck Zombies (masterpiece), or Combat Shock (most depressing comedy ever made). Sure, Beware Children At Play does offer head-ache inducing boredom, an unappealing, cheap, keyboard score, zero intentional or unintentional humor, and, pretty much, nothing else, but if you actually make it through this entire movie, you just might look back on your experience in Rural New Jersey with fond memories. 3/10