OK, so someone took the basic outlines of the infamous "Gor" novels and used them as an excuse for this amazingly threadbare, slipshod excuse for a feature film. I want to blame John Milius and Arnold Schwarzenegger for this mess, since it came out in 1989, but in actuality it was probably just another piece of product grunted out by the "Sword and Sandals" division of the Italian film industry/sausage factory, and it (or something very similar to it) would probably have been made even if "Conan" had never existed. <br /><br />So let's see what we've got here. Acting? Well, somehow they got hold of Jack Palance and dressed him up in choir robes and a series of goofy hats. Even sleep walking through his ridiculous part, he's got more talent than the rest of the cast put together. This Urbano guy...well, he's handsome, and he's buff, and he knows how to pose, and that's about it. Everyone else can barely get their lines out without stammering or chewing the scenery, and the guy who plays "Watney" will probably never live down his role in this turkey if he lives to be 210 years old. <br /><br />Writing and screenplay...sorry, you must be thinking of some other movie. There is no such thing as "writing" on display anywhere here. I am trying to make allowances for factors such as dubbing and translation but...no, even allowing for that, this thing obviously wasn't "written", it was assembled from the random output of 1000 monkeys sitting at typewriters, and then carefully edited to remove all trace of human feeling or dramatic veracity from the results.<br /><br />Costumes, scenery, etc.??? Nope, no such thing here. Oh, the actors don't wear their own clothes to the shoot, and they aren't standing out in a vacant lot, but the things used here were thrown together in an afternoon on a budget of about $29.98, so they doesn't really qualify. This is just some stuff they used to avoid having nude actors pantomiming sword fights in an empty field. Hell, they're ANTI-costumes...you've never seen so much un-sexy skin in your life. (My favorite example: the 60 year old balding, flabby guy in the leather bustier). <br /><br />I don't want to hate on this film too much, such it doesn't really deserve venom or hatred....just contempt and dismissal. Compared to a lot of things put out by the Italian film industry (say, "Machiste Vs Hercules In the Vale of Woe", a film so bad that it actually drives strong men to tears), this isn't all that bad...it's just dull, lifeless, uninspired and goofy without being funny. The Urbano-whosis guy, you know, the romantic lead, survived this movie...he even went on to do dozens of other film roles in Europe. That puts him one up on people like Kurt Thomas after "Gymkata" or Ben Affleck after "Gigli".<br /><br />Watch this once, preferably with the MST3K coverage to get you through the roughest spots, on a lazy Sunday afternoon when you are too hungover or sleepy to watch anything more ambitious. And if this sequel is any indication, don't seek out the first "Gor" movie, not if you value your brain cells.