This is a film that that is bent on making it into the long list of 'Terrible Dragon Movies' and it takes to its task with a dedication that's admirable. The actors are sometimes slightly bearable. The plot is ridiculous. There is absolutely no humor involved.<br /><br />The film starts off with a prologue of two Chinese guys (we do not have the luxury of names) in tacky costumes whacking at each other with weapons and saying grand, helpful things for the sake of exposition such as, 'Demon, you are strong. But I still have the dragon spear!', followed by holding the spear up so we can see he is telling the truth and does, indeed, still have the dragon spear. <br /><br />One time during the fight, the bad guy says 'After I kill you I will feast on your flesh' and the good guy says 'You have bad taste!' in a cocky, self-confident tone so the film's entire fanbase can cackle delightedly at how daring he is, while, apart from those two people, everyone else can hold their heads and moan.<br /><br />The two warriors both die after the dragon spear gets lost and the good guy gives his blessing to a little baby he just left out in the desert nearby, perhaps to watch the battle and cheer him on. (Wooo! Go Daddy!) <br /><br />Cut to 900 years later. Johnny Tao is a supposedly eighteen year old with the most annoying frizzy hair I have ever seen, who lives in the sleepy town of Dry Springs, manning the petrol station which is going out of business, just like the rest of the town. <br /><br />Johnny has a friend named Eddie. Eddie is a UFO searcher. This occupation is not mentioned again for the rest of the film, it is merely an excuse for Eddie to be using a metal detector so he can find the blade of the dragon spear.<br /><br />So Eddie digs it up and is immediately cursed by the spirit of the demon. Eddie's eyes turn flame-red, and he starts wearing a pair of black goggles. Why? Probably to cut costs. All that red-eye stuff must be pretty expensive. Evil Eddie also enjoys pulling grotesque faces, saying 'Feed me' every eight seconds in a deep, synthesized voice, and stomping around town, turning the local people into zombie followers so they can eat food for him. That's right, all the bad guy wants to do is eat. Feel the fear.<br /><br />This is where Mika comes in. She is a supposedly eighteen-year-old Chinese girl. She rides into town and assesses the situation. She meets up with Johnny, Lenny and Jenny (?) to tell them what's going on and why they need to find the dragon spear. When Mika is giving vital exposition, the film helpfully provides us with a spooky sound effect the whole way through so we can't actually hear what she's saying.<br /><br />This is the turning point for the film. This is where things- (*gasp* could it be...?) yes, they actually GET WORSE.<br /><br />Extras run around with digitally red eyes, stealing food and making snarling noises. Actually I'm not sure that these people are even extras, they're probably just random locals who wandered onto the set by mistake and were too polite to ask if they could leave. <br /><br />Somehow, Johnny ends up in a gorilla suit wearing a pink graduation hat, fighting the bad guys in the shop. Why? Because the movie thinks seeing a guy in a gorilla suit punching people is FUNNY. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HELP ME I'M DYING FROM LAUGHTER.<br /><br />Our film is then interrupted for a short documentary on lizards. Maybe the director thought that things were getting a little too violent and exciting, so he decided to let us rest for a while by letting us look at a lizard on a tree.<br /><br />Lenny calls for backup and a girl police officer by the name of Angela arrives to help. She is easily the best character in the film. However, the movie gets her recruited into the zombie-clan within five minutes and then she disappears. I think it was at this point I lost all patience with the film.<br /><br />In between some scenes, we cut to a shot of the moon, perhaps to assure the viewers that there is no need to worry, it is indeed still nighttime. <br /><br />Evil Eddie's gang then all go to the Wise Dragon fortune cookie warehouse to eat all the fortune cookies. Johnny arrives at the warehouse and fights one (1) zombie and wins, because then Evil Eddie's voice can growl out of the shadows in an amused tone, 'Your kung-fu is impressive', so the viewers can quake with fear at how powerful Evil Eddie must be. Needless to say, Johnny wins the day with his 'dragon flight' move in the Wise Dragon warehouse so he can reclaim the dragon spear and Eddie returns to normal. The whole town returns to normal, and business thrives because of the publicity.<br /><br />Here's how the whole thing SHOULD'VE begun and ended:<br /><br />Director: I have this really great idea for a film about a dragon spear and a guitar and lots of red-eyed zombies- Studio Executive: Thankyou, next.<br /><br />Or, even better:<br /><br />Director: I- Studio Executive: Thankyou, next.<br /><br />I can honestly say that the title is the most exciting part of the film. But, I suppose, when someone makes a film THIS bad, all the studio can do is make up a really cool name for it and hope that somebody buys it by mistake. <br /><br />I mean, obviously the director had a small budget (i.e: ten dollars), but that does not excuse him from anything except special effects. You do not need a huge budget to write good dialogue, or to think of a good, original story.