This movie is the cheesiest vanilla'est movie I have ever seen. And we're not talking about Kung Fu Hustle kinda cheesy where it's funny and silly. I'm talking about absolute cheesecake factory with extra mozzarella...<br /><br />The story has more holes than a block of swiss cheese (pun intended).<br /><br />Instead of listing all that is wrong with this masterpiece, I'll just sum it up and save you the pain. <br /><br />This is the movie:<br /><br />*spoilers* <br /><br />Opening scene - Massachusetts's native Caucasian American male who loves KungFu movies has dreams about Chinese man-ape fighting on top of mountains. (Not loosing any time with the cheese here)<br /><br />2 - Our hero then gets ganged by the local ruffians who decide to use him as a decoy for a robbery. They cleverly deduct that robbing a Chinese store owned by a 150 year old shopkeep would make for a big payday... (Beats robbing a bank if you ask me)<br /><br />3 - Things don't go as planned with the robbery, old fart gets shot, hooligans freak out and our young Caucasian friend gets teleported to China a few thousand years in the past. (Nothing out of the ordinary so far...)<br /><br />4 - A wandering alcoholic (and kungfu master) joins our hero and helps him defeats the local authorities who apparently spend their days killing civilians and harvesting virgins. (life must've been great bad in those times)<br /><br />5 - Our friendly heroes (now 2) get in another stint with authorities when they try to pay for their beverages with US dollars. (Apparently in China, paying with dollars is a capital offense). For no particular reason, pretty face Guitar-Hero-wannabe girl helps (and joins) our gang by killing two bad guys. (No one seems to object her joining the group, guess they got tired of the sausage fest)<br /><br />6 - The good guys (now 3) encounter a fourth acolyte (also a kungfu master) who's kinda mean to them at first, but now he's nice. He joins the group (no questions asked of course). The happy gang (now 4) is making astonishing progress!<br /><br />7 - "You have no fighting skills! You can't beat the last boss!" our young fellow is told by his mates. No worries! That's nothing a two-day intensive training won't fix. *Rocky - Eye of the Tiger soundtrack*<br /><br />8 - Our newly leveled up hero then storms the to the final castle. Strangely, he doesn't have to fight anyone but simply rides his horse past guards and meets with the big boss. (So much for that 2 day training you may think)<br /><br />9 - The last fight scene is more or less a big mosh-pit of kung fu for 10 mins. Bad guys dies, no twist, everyone is kinda happy.<br /><br />Final Scene - Our hero returns to the present and it turns out the old shopkeep isn't really dead. THE END.<br /><br />Now I did leave out a couple of details but that is essentially the movie in a (big) nutshell. I'm giving it a 2 (and not 1) because it has given me such inspiration to write this review. Anyways, next time you're in Boston, please be careful in Chinatown, you might fall victim of spontaneous time traveling...