That sounded so good, I'm going to repeat it : A saucy spaghetti romp through 1,000,000 BC, Planet of the Apes and Ator. I have recently seen a few Italian "imports". Jewels such as Super Fuzz, Raiders from Atlantis and 2020 : Texas Gladiators. This movie is part of that same prime lineage.<br /><br />We start this masterpiece with some rhythmic chanting. Feel free to join in. It's quite easy to do (hum hum hhaa hum hhaa hum hum). This chanting happens a few times during the movie. You should probably create a game out of it; like doing shots or chugging beers at the beginning, chant along, and then do some more drinking (or whatever your drug of choice is) at the end. This will keep everyone from hurting themselves or anyone else. It is also a good way to keep from getting into a coma or deriving some enjoyment from a really bad movie. This movie is not that bad, I merely state this as public service announcement. So if a bad movie happens to you, you'll know what to do. <br /><br />After the chanting is done, we get a narrator telling us whats going on. We are somewhere in prehistory, and there's this tribe. They seem friendly enough. They're no cannibals or anything. Actually they're in a bit of a crisis for food. During the ensuing hunt, the leader is murdered by his son (and soon to be announced heir), Vood (the infamous George Eastman - think of a white Wilt Chamberlin). You may remember George from such classics as the Barbarian Brothers or 2019 : After the Fall of New York. At the leader's funeral Vood is exposed as a murderer by Ela (the very sweaty and buff Sam Pasco). Vood is banished. This leads into the longest and most painful scene of the entire movie : the erupting volcano scene.<br /><br />In this scene Vood is walking around in exile, around volcanic mountains (that coincidentally looks like my baking soda and vinegar mountain from my 8th grade science project). We get some stock footage of volcanic eruptions and lava flow from what looks like a 1969 collegiate project. Lava is on the ground and lightning strikes it. This somehow creates iron. The thing that is formed looks like a giant stick, or a really, really amateurish looking sword. Vood goes ape and starts breaking stuff with his new rock staff. On the way out he encounters and kills a lion. Lith (the very attractive Pamela Prati, a.k.a Pamela Field) then shows up and gives him the idea to conquer. Vood shows up back at his tribe wearing the most ridiculous lion suit he made out of the beast he killed. There's this giant lion head he wears. For reference, remember Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons except this is much sillier (the episode with the greyhounds, where he sings the "wear my vest" song). Vood and Ela fight. Vood wounds Ela and banishes him to what looks like the Planet of the Apes. He then takes over and begins the war effort. This is Lith's ultimate scene. She goes into this tirade that had me laughing for 2 full minutes. The only way I can describe it is if you think of Valaria's way of speaking from Robot Holocaust. <br /><br />I call the next scene the forging scene. Somehow they figure out how to melt the rocks, create molds for the molten iron, and a hammer to further shape the rock. Apparently they "guessed" all this in the missing scene the director cut out. Ela then meets Isa (the other hottie in the movie, Elvire Audray). The first time she said her name, all I could say is "Her name is Pizza ?". Strangely enough in this Italian exploitation movie, both attractive female leads never bare it all. <br /><br />This all leads to an eventual conflict between Vood & Ela. I won't spoil it. This must be seen to believe. It is nice that they used the same choreographer from 2020:Texas Gladiators. Unfortunately, that man flunked out of the William Shatner School for Acting and Stunts. <br /><br />The movie has some nice footnotes :<br /><br />1) Nice use of roaming buffalo throughout the Dakotas. This included making the actors run through the pack.<br /><br />2) Almost a total rip of the bone smashing scene from 2001, except with George Eastman in fur leggings and a club.<br /><br />3) Anatomically correct shot of a lion - twigs and berry shot.<br /><br />4) Prehistoric leper clowns.<br /><br />5) George Eastman discovers a new way to get high : eating volcanic rock.<br /><br />6) Numerous homo-erotic imagery.<br /><br />7) Ela runs and sits quite daintily for a caveman.<br /><br />8) These cavemen sure look good. They must work out in the cave's gym. They also wear these adorable rabbit slippers throughout the movie.<br /><br />9) Mad lib dialog. Vood (verb of motion).<br /><br />10) RUNNING !!! and MORE RUNNING !! There's a lot of running in this movie. I haven't seen so much running since Run Lola Run, however, in that movie there was a purpose to all that running. All this running is reminiscent to all the driving in Manos, the Hands of Fate.<br /><br />This movie is terrible on all fronts. It is so bad, that it has actually become one of my favorite Italian exploitation movies. Try not to watch this movie alone or if you are in a bad mood. I could not control my laughter or disbelief. This is definitely great for the disaster watcher.