Paraplegic Sex.<br /><br />There are different degrees of bad...<br /><br />There is Toxic Avenger Bad...<br /><br />There is They Live Bad...<br /><br />There is even a bad reserved for the Shaft Series...<br /><br />Generally you get the idea of Bad...<br /><br />There are movies that are so bad that they are good...<br /><br />And then there are movies that are so bad you want to tear your eyes out and burn them, and then mix the ashes with something edible so you can digest and crap them out again...<br /><br />This movie was ten steps below that...<br /><br />I read somewhere that this movie is destined to be a cult classic... Which is why my wife and I decided to watch it. We like cult classics. We like the low budget movies that try so hard, and yet end up being somewhat less then serious.<br /><br />But this... This was so horrid...<br /><br />Let me try it this way....<br /><br />"You can't quit playing piano now, the BIG COMPETITION is coming up"<br /><br />"But I don't want to play piano like Mozart anymore, even though I am amazingly talented on it, and my writing skills are just above a 5th grader, I know I am destined to be a writer!"<br /><br />"Okay, but just so you know, I am going to become a deranged serial killer who will want to punish you by cutting off your playing hand and your foot pedal leg, and then bury you alive in a stain glass coffin."<br /><br />"That's okay, because I have a twin sister that I never knew I had because me real birth mother had twins, and i was purchased by this guy who's wife had a miscarriage (she doesn't know, by the way). And she is suffering from this conditioned called "twin stigmata", kinda like the twins on GI Joe (You know, you have to hit one to hurt the other type of thing), which is how I know how to write my only crappy story about her cause deep down inside I know she exists, and that is also the reason that she is randomly losing limbs while she is poll dancing in a strip club where she in the only one who doesn't take off her clothes (of course flashing her hooha to all the paparazzi is totally acceptable, but parish the thought that she flash a teet and get paid for it) is because that when you cut them off my body it falls off of hers. Oh, and by the way, two weeks after you have abducted me, she is found in a ditch, missing the same limbs that you cut off of me cause of the whole twin stigmata thing, and within a 24-48 hour period, she recovers, is interrogate by the FBI, is outfitted with a fully articulate artificial hand and leg (almost the same type of hand that Ash got in Army of Darkness, imagine that), has insanely wild sex with my boyfriend while my mom scrubs the sink downstairs...<br /><br />*breathe*<br /><br />"...And then once she puts it all together that my father, who really isn't my father, bought (as in purchased) me at the hospital from my crack whore birth mother, she confronts him and says the key line "I know who killed me", and comes to find you. She then proceeds to get locked in a closet and then in a fit of poetic justice (of course) as you are sticking your hand in the door, cuts off your hand with the very same stain glass blue knife which you of course made yourself. She then proceeds to use the whole stigmata thing to our advantage, finds where I am buried (oops alive of course, cause if I die then she dies) and with her bionic woman powers unearths me and breaks through the glass and then the movie thankfully ends."<br /><br />...<br /><br />...<br /><br />"All that, huh?"<br /><br />"Yup"<br /><br />"Including this really horrid dialogue?"<br /><br />"Oh yeah"<br /><br />"I think I will spare everyone, including myself, and just kill myself now instead of becoming a disgruntled piano teacher. Enjoy living with your under aged stripper twin sister, because with the way you write your stories, that is about the only place you are going to end up."<br /><br />"Wait..."<br /><br />"Yes?"<br /><br />"Before you off yourself, could you explain something to me?"<br /><br />"Uh, sure..."<br /><br />"Whats up with all the blue?..."<br /><br />"Yeah, I really don't know. It's something that the director came up with to be deep and esoteric."<br /><br />"...missed the mark on that one didn't they?"<br /><br />"...Yeah, well... Nice knowing you..."<br /><br />*bang*<br /><br />The only thing that can be noted from this waste is that it is prophetic. Oh yes, no one would guess that this movie catches a rare glimpse of the future. The near future in fact. The future career of Miss Lohan. Because after this, there will be no more jobs left for her, other then that of a stripper in a seedy low rent strip club.<br /><br />Don't see this, don't even rent it...<br /><br />If you really need to see this, I would suggest downloading it...<br /><br />And even that might not be worth the waste of bandwidth and tear on your hard drive...