Vampires Anonymous starts in Los Angeles where Vampire Vic Weller (Paul Popowich) needs help controlling his addiction to blood so he calls Vampires Anonymous who run a twelve step program for Vampires. A program designed to make Vampires not want to drink human blood & be there if they need help or are having trouble, the first step is apparently to 'admit you have a problem' & ends with 'smile, your a winner!' although there's lots of hard work & temptation to overcome between. Vic gets packed of to Rock Creek, North Carolina where he has to blend in with the locals & feed on the blood of sheep but Vic finds it hard to suppress the Vampire within himself...<br /><br />Co-written, co-produced & directed by Michael Keller I have to say right off the bat that I hated Vampires Anonymous., of course this is just my opinion & I'm in no way saying that you will definitely hate it but I think there's a fair chance the majority of potential viewers will find much more to hate in Vampires Anonymous than like. The script by Keller & J.P. Srinivasan is the biggest problem here, again this is just my opinion but I thought it was terrible. Vampires Anonymous is supposed to be some sort of light hearted comedy horror romance with a pinch of biting satire about therapy groups & psychiatric help thrown in there for good (bad?) measure. If that basic story outline makes you laugh then you may enjoy Vampires Anonymous but I thought it was an awful attempt at trying to be clever & funny & different, Vampires Anonymous is one of the most unfunny comedies I've ever seen & the makers can't even pull off a good sheep shagging farmer joke. The genre of horror comedy is very hard to pull off & the makers of this fail in spectacular fashion, the horror elements are none existent, the romance is so cheesy & predictable I almost threw up & it took me four sittings of twenty odd minutes each to get through this because I literally couldn't get through it one go.<br /><br />Director Keller turns in a competent film & that's the only reason this turd gets two stars out of ten rather than one. It's not scary, it's definitely not funny, there's no tension, it's utterly predictable, the story is all over the place, the character's are unlikable, the dialogue sucks & I found it a real chore to sit through. I didn't like it. At all. Forget about any gore, there's a couple of neck bitings & a bit of blood drinking otherwise nothing. No nudity either. According to the closing credits Vampires Anonymous was edited by the interesting named Farm Dog, either that it was was literally edited by a farm dog.<br /><br />Technically the film is fine & is really the only positive aspect of it but since it sucks so bad in every other way does it really matter? Shot in Burlington in North Carolina apparently, I doubt this is going to do much for the tourist numbers though. I have some advice for Michael Madsen, get a new agent considering some of the crap he's been in. I mean from the classy Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) to this as his next film?! Having said that the quotes 'I probably made a few pictures I shouldn't have done, but I have four sons and I have to pay the rent. If you have a decision to make about whether or not you can buy groceries at the market or whether or not you're going to make a bad movie, you're going to make a bad movie.' & 'My career has been very strange. My career is like a heart monitor. I get involved in a good project now and then to keep things going. And then I make things that I work on that I hope are going to be good so I can make a living and keep a roof over the heads of those little monsters I have in my house. You know, every movie you make can't be great, no matter who you are. Even Brando made some clinkers.' from his page on the IMDb explains why he makes rubbish like Vampires Anonymous. We all have to pay the rent I suppose.<br /><br />Vampires Anonymous sucks as much as the Vampires in the film, I'm sorry but I really disliked every aspect of the story & found it so unfunny & moronic it's untrue. If your looking for biting satire go elsewhere, if your looking for some laughs go elsewhere, if your looking for some horror go elsewhere & if your looking to be entertained go elsewhere.