Where do I even start with this movie...<br /><br />This is probably the goofiest film I've ever seen in my life. No... scratch that. This IS the goofiest film I've ever seen in my life.<br /><br />I've heard "Hausu" is a cult horror classic in Japan. Fine. I admit, I can see where it would be a cult classic just because it is so strange. And if you really legitimately like it, that's fine. But I saw this with a bunch of students at a university screening. Out of about 15 people, 3 walked out, 2 feel asleep, and the rest were either struggling to make sense of the crazy stuff they were watching or riffing on it the entire time. And what really bothers me is that in the post-screening discussion... even though no one could accurately explain or make sense of what they just watched... even though half the audience was making fun of it the entire time... even though it was an absolute goofy mess, NOT ONE PERSON SAID IT WAS BAD.<br /><br />Now, this may just be me, but I'm of the opinion that if you can't watch a movie without giving it the MST3K treatment, it's not a good movie. You may enjoy making fun of it... but that doesn't make it good. For example, "Future War" is terrible. But you can have fun watching the MST3K version because they make fun of how terrible it is. That doesn't make the movie good. It just means you can have fun making fun of it.<br /><br />Now, if you legitimately like "Hausu," that's fine. But don't say it's a good movie if you thought it was a confusing mess, or if the only way you could sit through it was by riffing on it with your friends.<br /><br />I can't go into everything that bothered me about the movie so I won't even try. Every scene is packed with WTF laugh inducing moments.<br /><br />The plot... I think... is that this girl doesn't like her father's girlfriend and goes to her creepy aunt's house with her friends. The aunt is a vampire... or maybe she's a cat... no wait... maybe there is no aunt... no... wait... the cat is the aunt who sucks life out of people so she can inhabit a body... and somehow this results in a guy getting turned into bananas... oh and there's a watermelon salesman, who's a skeleton... who might be selling heads... or might be the aunt too... or the cat...<br /><br />CRAP!!! Let me start over. Okay, so there's this girl who's mad at her Dad. So she goes to her aunt's with some friends. And they are picked off one by one... for some reason... because the house is alive... no... wait... the house is the aunt... who's waiting for her husband... who's dead... or maybe HE's the watermelon salesman... but the watermelons are really heads... or maybe it was just that one... or maybe there is no watermelon...<br /><br />D***IT!!! I can't into any depth trying to explain the plot. These girls go to a house where they're picked off one by one in the most ridiculous ways imaginable. The girls are all annoying stereotypes who don't act like logical people.<br /><br />You see, if I found a skeleton in a closet, I would think, "Hmm... maybe I should... GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!!!" When the girls see it, they just buy the aunt's crappy explanation. Something about a doctor using the house as a hospital or something. NO!!! SKELETONS SHOULD NOT BE IN CLOSETS!!! LEAVE!!! YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD NOT DISAPPEAR MYSTERIOUSLY!!! LEAVE!!! The only one who's even remotely tolerable is Kung Fu... because she's the only one who actually tries to fight what's happening to them.<br /><br />So, the characters are annoying and the plot makes no sense. Aside from that... there is no logical editing. There is no logical structure to what's happening. All of a sudden we cut to a really campy 70's humor montage of someone getting stuck in a bucket. All of a sudden, there's a bear eating noodles with his friends in the middle of the big climax. All of a sudden, someone is bananas. The music is weird. The action scenes are cut so that you can't tell what's going on. What does Kung Fu do? You can't tell. All you know is that she's apparently beating something up. The effects are weird. There are weird cartoon sequences. THIS MOVIE IS JUST WEIRD!!! <br /><br />So why is it a "3" and not a "1"... I found some of the cartoon integration with the live action footage inventive. I like some of the editing, even though it is crazy. I did like some of the scenery and some of the imagery. I love the way the girls are done in by their stereotyped personality elements. And it is at least an interesting watch, even if it doesn't make any sense at all.<br /><br />OVERALL - This movie is goofy. It's a confusing mess. And the parts that aren't stereotypical horror clichés are absolutely insane. But what really bothered me was that people weren't willing to say it was bad in public, EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID SO IN PRIVATE. Again, if you really do like it... I'm not attacking you. I can see why this is a cult classic. But I didn't like it, and I know other people didn't like it, and I'm writing my review based on that.<br /><br />3/10 - It's a confusing mess with a few redeeming elements. Definitely recommend for MST3K Home Edition, or if you want to see something REALLY weird.