Several years ago I bought a Thomas the Tank Engine coloring book for my son. Each page was a scene in a story of some kind, but the "plot" was bizarre and inscrutable -- something to do with gold dust and diesel engines and parallel universes. I recall showing it to my Mom and we both wondered whether the coloring book guys had been chewing peyote that day.<br /><br />And then I saw this execrable film, and it all became clear. The coloring book was based on the plot of this movie -- and the screenplay for "Thomas and the Magic Railroad" indisputably was written under the influence of mind-altering substances.<br /><br />And it isn't JUST that the plot makes no sense. There's also the acting, which is horrible even by the standards of children's movies. Peter Fonda (!) wanders through the film in a kind of drooling stupor. He's supposed to be depressed, but to me he seems more like the victim of a brain injury, or perhaps a massive overdose of Thorazine.<br /><br />In fact, it may well be that the director secretly dosed Fonda, and the rest of the cast, with some kind of high-powered anti-psychotic medication during filming. Any normal person would, after all, need massive pharmacological intervention to keep from crying tears of laughter at the horrible, stilted lines the characters are required to speak.<br /><br />Did I mention that the plot makes no sense at all? <br /><br />Meanwhile, here's one idle observation for the good engines of Sodor: If an evil diesel engine with a crane on top (!) is out to ruin your magic parallel universe (!!) and destroy you, just STAY A FEW TRACKS AWAY. The crane only reaches so far, and it's not like he can drive off the track to get you. Or maybe your friend the conductor could, I don't know, maybe THROW A FREAKIN' SWITCH once in a while. Seriously, I can see how the Killdozer, or an evil car like Stephen King's Christine, could make some real trouble, but how tough can it be to avoid an evil TRAIN?<br /><br />Speaking of the conductor, let me just say this about Alec Baldwin's work in this film: It made me wish that the Canadians really had bombed the Baldwin brothers. (If you don't get that reference, run, don't walk, to the video store and rent "South Park: The Movie.") <br /><br />In sum, I would place this film among the top three "Worst Movies That, Luckily, Most People Have Never Seen." The other winners:<br /><br />(1) Showgirls (2) The Norseman <br /><br />They should put all three of these movies on a DVD and force the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to watch them. The heck with the Geneva Convention.