"You Don't Mess With the Zohan" is the newest regurgitated $hitfest unleashed upon us by the brilliant minds of comedian Adam Sandler and director Dennis Dugan. The movie chronicles the absurd, zany story of Zohan Dvir, a ridiculously offensive special agent of an Isralei counter-terrorism organization known as the "Mossad". His extraordinarily stupid fake accent and personality that would insult the intelligence of an eleven year old give the writers, (Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, and SNL writer Robert Smigel) the framework to create a movie that is incomprehensibly bad. <br /><br />The movie begins with Zohan in his home country doing stupid $hit, which is what he does pretty much for the entire movie. As the movie scrapes along, you're pondering what the hell "Zohan" is even supposed to be. "How does he have super powers?" "Is he a superhero?" "Why the hell am I watching this?" "Why does Adam Sandler always have to play the role of a super savvy cool-guy when the only reason anyone really liked "Happy Gilmore", "Billy Madison", "Bulletproof", "The Wedding Singer", "Big Daddy", "Little Nicky", or "Mr. Deeds" is because of his supporting cast?" "Why can't Adam Sandler play a pedophile addicted to methamphetamines who is married to a retarded homosexual and spends his free time wiping his ass with an American Flag?" Veiled behind the facade of a retarded accent, a stupid haircut, and a constant beating of dick jokes, narrow minded cultural references, and pretty much anything else that would annoy anyone with a shred of dignity, Zohan expresses aspirations of becoming a hair stylist {in which he will make people s' hair "silky smooth"(which he repeats at least SEVEN times before the movie ends and you stop wishing to stick your head in an oven for watching this hideous abomination), which is another stupid idiosyncrasy of every single Adam Sandler movie in the past nine years, which is including a "subtle" reference to one of his older movies, which the writers apparently think is cute}. After a literal five minute long homosexual joke, he moves to America.<br /><br />Not long after his arrival,(in,...you guessed it... NEW YORK CITY!!!, where every single movie ever made takes place) he finally achieves his goal of becoming a hairstylist. <br /><br />Nearly an hour into the movie, a bit of plot is finally revealed (the time between had to be used as filler for Adam Sandler tea bagging at least twenty different characters and further humiliating himself into oblivion). Zohans' arch enemy, Palestinian terrorist leader Phantom (John Turturro), reveals himself. Apparently, he is also a superhero like Zohan. There are several scenes illogically strewn together depicting Zohan doing some more stupid $hit and further cementing this movie as being the most racist mainstream movie ever made that the American public completely ignores because they're too dense to be able to comprehend anything that isn't expressed explicitly. When there's about a half hour left in the movie (I'm probably not correct on the time frame because I was trying my hardest not to pay attention to the movie for fear that the movie would have pulled me into the depths of insanity, so try to bare with it), Zohan enlists the help of socialite millionaires to aid him in his battle against Phantom. Among these people is Michael Buffer, the famous boxing announcer. I'm still in awe of the throngs of people who were dragged screaming into this fiasco. But I'm still frustrated because of the relentless cameos. Seriously, it is not necessary in any movie. <br /><br />I know that I'm skipping around the plot a bit, but I am trying not to think too much about this movie. <br /><br />At the end of the movie, the Palestinians led by Phantom and the Israelis led by Zohan have an ultra explosion-filled showdown in the streets of New York as the result of some idiotic subplot regarding Rob Schneiders'affinity for his goat (because every single person who lives in the middle east who isn't a terrorist is a goat farmer), some other retarded subplot, and some other retarded subplot. The movie predictably ends with each group realizing their differences and learning to love each other. There. I spoiled the entire movie for you because it really doesn't matter.<br /><br />In the midst of all of the racism, sexism, xenophobia, and pretty much every other idiotic antisocial American sentiment that entrenched this travesty of a film, there is one notion for me that resides over all others. It is the fact that the creators of this movie actually thought that they were making a good movie. To me that is mind boggling. <br /><br />Overall, I give this movie a 2 out of 10 because there were a total of three times when I chuckled at the movie. It's a pretty bad ratio because the movie has to have the record of most attempts at trying to make its audience laugh. However, it was agonizing to watch, so I'll give it a 1 out of spite.