It's hard not to like Pirates of Treasure Island.<br /><br />You know you're onto a winner when the same location (in this case, the treasure island of the title) is described on separate occasions as being, 'hidden in the bowels of Satan' AND 'the devil's playground'. Not only does it create a kind of glib, cartoon element to the proceedings, but really makes you wonder what ol' Beelzelbub's getting up to these days.<br /><br />Other verbal highlights include 'Beware the one egg' (or something), 'All the powder in the world' (NOT in reference to cocaine), and pretty much every deathbed speech of the last ten minutes, as if being shot is now some open licence to soliloquise.<br /><br />The plot is the standard affair from the perspective of a bored, insipid landlord apparently keen to throw of the shackles of the easy-going beverage industry (complete with large-breasted obliging barmaid) to don a bandana and shout 'argh' at the rain, in a predominantly-ship-based 'adventure' that often serves as a mere backdrop for grown men to compete in a 'most audacious headwear' competition, talk in embarrassing accents and - again - shout 'argh' at the rain. Fortunately, the large-breasted obliging barmaid tags along to produce one of several dramatic 'You're a woman?!' revelations which, by the climax, sees our young hero leading a quartet of inappropriately attired floozies in a battle against the male oppressors - sorry, I mean Pirates - in what can at best be described as an abstract, watery pimp-off.<br /><br />Allegiences in this film may initially seem hazy, but allow me to elucidate: if a character has tits, they side with the protagonist. If they have a wig, they get shot. If they have a muddy face, then they're evil and must be stabbed by the people with tits. Easy.<br /><br />I'll close with some drinking game suggestions. 1 finger when you're unconvinced by a CGI insect, 2 fingers when someone inexplicably gets shot, and 3 when the camera deliberately repositions for the best angle of our leading lady's bosoms. If no-one yet knows she's a lady, down it.