Where to begin? This was supposed to be a movie filled with comedy, suspense, romance and surprises. The only surprises I got out of the experience were reading some positive reviews about it. I was honestly confident that, having being dumbfounded myself at this movie's epic badness, everyone else would have at the very least disliked it. Not so. Ebert gave it 2 1/2 stars. And that's not out of 10. He's been rather unreliable these past few years, so I turned to the 'user comments' section of IMDb to find some sanity amongst my fellow amateur viewers...only to find many of them sick with the same malady. Now, I'm not really that egocentric. I understand that just because I don't happen to like a movie doesn't mean it's a bad movie. But honestly, what can you like about this one?<br /><br />The plot was absolutely laughable. (***Some Spoilers***) Richard Dreyfuss plays Micah, a magician/thief (sounds like a D&D character) who pulls off a diamond heist in 1977 (Question - Why didn't he wear a mask? Did he want to get caught? And don't get me started about the pure silliness of the balloon angle), then picks up his daughter, and together they bury the diamonds with a photograph in a field. The audience is (very obviously) kept from seeing the photograph until near the end of the movie. Quite why is a mystery, as the photograph holds absolutely no surprises.<br /><br />Fast forward 25 years. Micah is still in jail, but has a new buddy - Christian Slater, playing Finch. Together they escape (in one of the absolute hands down most moronic escape sequences to make it to film - and I'm only using a little hyperbole), and take on new identities to hide out from the law while retrieving the diamonds. The identity that Slater assumes is that of (dum dum DUM) Cletis Tout, a journalist who videotaped the son of a mob boss killing a prostitute and got whacked by the mob for his trouble. Hilarious hijinks supposedly ensue as the mob now try to kill Slater, thinking he is the real Tout, while Slater tries to get the diamonds. Throw in Portia De Rossi as Dreyfuss's daughter (and the 'I hate him for no apparent reason, no wait, now I love him for no apparent reason' relationship with Slater - and I use the term 'relationship' lightly; Tom Cruise had more chemistry with the fish in 'Jerry Maguire'), a painful cameo by RuPaul, a moderately funny though sadly underused Billy Connolly, a mob boss with all the menacing screen presence of American Pie's Chris Klein, two mob button men more cut out for a Home Alone sequel and a soundtrack that sounds like background music from a computer game, then have almost the entire movie played out as a series of flashbacks that Slater is telling mob hitman Critical Jim (played by Tim Allen, who is constantly quoting classic movies a la Remington Steele) and have the audience needlessly wonder at how much of what Slater is saying is true, if anything, and what kind of plot twist might be in store (needlessly wonder because *Spoiler* it's all true and there is no plot twist), and end it all with a cliched train station finish...<br /><br />Well, what can I say. There was nothing original or interesting in the script. There was nothing laudable in the acting. There was nothing that made any of the characters either; a) believable, or b) someone the audience might care about. The music was forgettable. The plot succeeded only in confusing me and making me laugh at the wrong moments. Don't buy it. Don't rent it. Don't watch it.