"The Item" is an incredibly lame, blood-spattered hybrid of Tarantino crime thrillers and Woodsian sci-fi, shot on video, which makes the proceedings seem that much more amateurish. A gang of grating young criminals (each with 'issues') meet a Rick Moranis-ish scientist in the desert in order to procure the titular character for an Internet client who is promising to deliver a large sum of money (it seems as though they lack common sense when dealing with those junk chain-letters that arrive in the 'ol Inbox). By the time these dopes are at the ringleader's girlfriend's apartment, eating Chinese food and blowing away transvestites for no real reason, 'The Item'--a button-eyed, phallic-looking psychic creature that is disturbingly comic--lulls each character (and the viewer) into a murderous daze. After the first five minutes, which possess a quirky, 'so-bad-it's-good' charm, the film (snicker) slides into the territory of endless 'ironic' dialog, exaggerated bloodshed, and sheer, plodding obnoxiousness. Writer-director Dan Clark (who plays the head criminal) wants us to think he's crafting a deliberately self-conscious homage to B-cinema, but ultimately doesn't have the dumb 'luck' of an Ed Wood to convey it at all proper. Your time would be better spent watching the MST3K'd version of "Manos: The Hands of Fate."