An ex-girlfriend insisted we see First Knight when it came out in 1995. Since then I've done my best to put the painful memories of both behind me. Unfortunately, on a recent Saturday morning, when my FIOS package let me down again (oh, for reruns of MST3K!), TNT reopened those old wounds.<br /><br />I have nothing against the Arthurian legend. In fact, I actually enjoy it and there have been some well made movies on the subject (see Prince Valiant (1954) for a lost treasure). However, First Knight is not one for the ages. Why Jerry Zucker chose to step out of his successful Top Secret, Airplane, Naked Gun, etc; comedic comfort zone to produce this joust wreck is as mysterious as Excalibur. Although, people were laughing in the theater during some of the fight scenes and a bizarre scream in a church. And why did screenwriter William Nicholson sandwich such a woeful tale in between Nell and Galidator? Throw in industry nobleman like John Gielgud, Jerry Goldsmith, and Walter Murch how could this movie miss the mark so badly? First Knight does not work on any level. The plot is weak and contrived, the dialog is unbelievable, the costumes out of historical place, and the pristine "period" sets perplexing. Now some observations on the performances of the principles:<br /><br />Julia Ormond: At least in those days they were still actually casting British born actresses to play British characters, sparing us from having to spend two hours listening to the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow or Texan Renee Zellweger blather on in their phony English accents. For that alone, I'll give her a pass in First Knight.<br /><br />Richard Gere: First of all, I've never really got this guy. I can remember when he made a splash in Paul Scharder's American Gigolo (1980). The movie and the character perfectly captured a moment in time and culture in America as did Saturday Night Fever, albeit to a lesser, if not more seedy and shocking, extent. He followed that up with more success in Officer and a Gentleman (1982), which is not holding up well by the way, but then what? Can you name another memorable role Richard Gere has played since? (And Pretty Woman does not count. You could have put Richard Petty next to Julia Roberts in that puff fest and still made mega box office). Yet, every year they trundle him out again for another big budget shot. Like I said I don't get it. Anyway, casting him in First Knight made as much sense as allowing him to present at the Oscar's. I'm sure it looked good on paper, but what you got was something totally repellent. At least he had the decency to keep his Philly accent.<br /><br />Sean Connery: In 1988 Connery won the Academy Award for his supporting role in The Untouchables. To his credit, he was able to parlay this into a major jump start to his sputtering career and carry it right through the 90's. His performances seemed to fall into two categories; well crafted, as in Medicine Man and The Hunt for Red October, or "mailed it in." His work in First Knight was definitely a quick trip to the Post Office. There were scenes when I thought he was actually in danger of nodding off on his sword! He probably realized early on this was a loser. But a true professional (see Gene Hackman) will step up his game and make the best of lesser material. He might have made it tolerable had he tried, but trust me, watching Sterling Hayden run about in a wig is much more compelling then enduring Connery's uninspired speeches in a "medieval" hair piece! <br /><br />Next time I see First Knight peek above the parapets, I think I'll just call my ex-girlfriend and start a fight instead. It would be much less painful.