Up here in Glasgow, where I'm visiting my potential in-laws once again, you begin to notice certain words replacing others. A "numpty", for example, is a stupid or foolish person and did you known that your "oaksters" are actually your armpits? Probably not but one word I shall take south of the border with me is the word "pish". Describing something with little or no intrinsic value as "a load of pish" shall definitely come in handy in future. For example, take this bland straight-to-video garbage from the director of "Anaconda" (oh yippee) that Sandra Bullock was wise to scrub off her CV once "Speed" made her a star. But here on IMDb, we don't forget those embarrassing early outings so any fans of Ms Bullock (yes, all eight of you) will lap this up with interest. Everyone else should run for the hills.<br /><br />Deep in the middle of the Amazon, territorial disputes over land rights take an ugly turn when prominent environmentalist Rafael Santos (Eduardo Cesti) is assassinated. American photojournalist RJ (Craig Sheffer) suspects a cover-up and so enlists the help of fellow environmentalist Alyssa (Bullock) in his quest to uncover the truth. But soon, both their lives are in danger as it appears that a conspiracy is behind Santos' untimely demise. Can our heroes escape to uncover the truth? <br /><br />There is so much to dislike about this early Nineties eco-action nonsense that it's difficult to know where to start. Our two heroes hardly register a ripple of interest throughout the picture, both being little more than over-played stereotypes. Bullock looks very pretty but as far as being a die-hard environmentalist goes, I'm afraid it takes more than dream-catcher earrings to make me believe that. But she's an acting master-class next to Sheffer who is an abomination, coming across like a lost grunge rocker in need of rehab. It's safe to say that Indiana Jones has nothing to worry about just yet, though RJ does display an annoying knack for not dying despite the endless opportunity for the baddies to shoot him, which was often. And it's all very well tacking on messages about the destruction of the rain forest but when it bears no relevance to the plot, what's the point? And while I'm on the subject of the plot, I felt it was fairly obvious from the start who was behind it all and yet, our heroes have to go through Hell and back (and a utterly pointless sex scene) before finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together. You can imagine the villagers out of shot, slapping their foreheads and going "Duh!" while every single policeman tends to their "dirty sanchez" moustache and perfects their dodgy Mexican accent.<br /><br />It's safe to say that "Fire On The Amazon" is not a good film, something that seems to have been Ms Bullock's hallmark throughout her career. Honestly, I could stare at her all day but if it means having to watch her movies then forget it. It isn't even as good as "Anaconda" because at least you could laugh at that whereas this (somehow) manages to keep a straight face. I will say that I did stick with it to the end but only because I didn't have anything better to do and I hoped for some grand unveiling of the villain but alas, it was not to be. Instead, I was treated to a hastily written finale that didn't even finish telling the film's uninspired story. Do yourself a favour. Borrow the DVD (for God's sake, don't buy or rent it) and skip to the naughty bits before running your car keys over the disc so it won't play again. Then slap the numpty who lent you this load of old pish so they won't lend you garbage again. Hey, told you it would come in handy!