Anyone who used to watch Mr. Show may recall that sketch. It basically puts several stereotypical characters in a spooky old house. They quiver as noises crash all around them. But what are they supposed to be afraid of? The creature? It's ghost? The curse? The return of the creature? What then? It's pretty funny. Check it out on youtube. Anyway, this film is kind of like that. Which cliché are we supposed to be afraid of here?<br /><br />The Hearse is simply a dull collection of about every old horror film cliché you can think of. A recently divorced woman moves into her late aunt's spooky old house in the countryside. On her way into town, and on several other occasions, a big old black hearse seems to be trying to run her off the road! A bad omen. The locals are outwardly hostile, since they hated her aunt and know the house is haunted. The only local who seems to like her is a horny teenager whose parents own the hardware store. And then, there's this weird gentlemanly dude who shows up to court her in an old-fashioned way...<br /><br />The plot thickens (kind of) when the woman finds her aunt's diary and learns that she was about to marry a preacher, but then dumped him for a Satanist! Yikes. And then the spooky old house seems to come to life. Windows break for no reason. Pipes clang together. Music boxes play on their own and move around. And all the while this old hearse keeps showing up on the roads or in her driveway. What does it want? Who is the mysterious "Tom" who wishes to win her over? Honestly, you'll figure it all out pretty quick.<br /><br />The film just can't decide what is at the center of all the strange happenings. All the writers seemed to want to do is add a bunch of supposedly spooky elements into a pot and stir until something watchable came out. The acting is passable. Trish Van Devere isn't bad at all. Joseph Cotten needed more screen time, but they likely only got him for a few days of shooting. The film borrows heavily from other horror films such as The Car, Let's Scare Jessica to Death, The Amityville Horror, and maybe even The Fog. There really isn't an original idea to be found. The hearse itself is just a plot point that isn't really explained. It looks menacing, but almost seems like an afterthought that could have been written out altogether. Not a drop of blood, or any real suspense to be had. Really no reason to see this one. I'm frankly amazed it ever got a DVD release. 4 of 10 stars.<br /><br />The Hound.