One day, a guy went to see his brother and said: "Hey'um bro! I just went and seen a motion picture film show called Near Dark." And his brother said: "Well, I jest saw me a movie called Platoon." Then the two brothers began describing their individual flimic experiences at the same time, talking over each other louder and louder until it seemed they were talking about the same film.<br /><br />Then they wrote it all down on the back of a Piggy Wiggly bag and called it "The Lost Platoon." The Lost Platoon is proof positive that no matter where you go, everyplace looks pretty much the same as everyplace else. In this case, France and Nicaragua both look pretty much like Turkeycrap Alabama.<br /><br />With great steaming hunks of inane right-wing dialog ripped bleeding from the pages of Soldier of Fortune magazine and salted with ill-remembered scenes ripped off from the poorer Schwartzenegger films, The Lost Platoon inches it's way through 86 minutes of alternating hilarious and tedious footage.<br /><br />By all indications, the bring-your-own-fatigues invitational shoot was a huge success, judging from the number of obese loser militia types that showed up to be filmed firing off their M-16s with near orgasmic glee. Adding to the film's woody setting is the acting, which at least is semi-obscured by the amateur-nite direction.<br /><br />But even more offensive to even the most brain-dead movie goer is the film's near incoherent grasp of history. Dates are bobbled. Uniforms glaringly inaccurate. At one point a picture supposedly taken during WW II clearly shows a WW I vintage tank.<br /><br />Die-hard fans of both vampire flicks and '80 style action should avoid this film with extreme prejudice.