When the chillies in a spice shop get more on screen attention than the leading man in a romance, you've got yourself big, big problems. Here are just a few: She's not allowed to touch a human... SHE'S RUBBING HER COUSIN'S HAND 5 MINUTES IN! Does every Indian now living in San Francisco have a history blighted by parricide!? When a film relies on over 50% of it's dialogue through the source of spoken thought it is corrupt of imagination.<br /><br />On a more general note: Mistress of the Spices is a poor story poorly told. It's cliché ridden; the dialogue is shocking; the acting is unconvincing and the directing woefully one dimensional. Aishwarya Rai does indeed have stunning eyes - but does the camera really need to give us close-ups of them every 4 minutes!? There is nothing to recommend this febrile nonsense. It is patronising to both the Sub-Continent and the West and, as a metaphor, is as involving as if she'd have ran a DIY store. Actually...<br /><br />If you're a fan of film and want to see how to get everything wrong - watch this. If you think time is too precious, have a curry instead - it's infinitely more authentic and satisfying.