Every once in a while a very bad film comes along and renews my faith in the sport of watching terrible schlock and having a wonderful time of it. Simon Sez is such a movie; a film filmed, acted, directed, and written with such ineptitude, you'd swear that it was made by a bunch of dumb monkeys. It's like the Dan Quayle of movies.<br /><br />Dennis Rodman stars as an ex-CIA, ex-secret agent, ex-everything it seems, who becomes embroiled in a convoluted kidnapping/extortion/hijacking/computer heist. Give these villains credit where they are due; they do know how to multi-task.<br /><br />I don't really have anything against Dennis Rodman, but the man simply cannot act. He wears one expression the entire time, bemused detachment. It's the same whether he's fighting off an army of thugs, dealing with his army of sidekicks, or riding his spiffy yellow motorcycle. Every single thing that he encounters causes him to smirk. I was waiting for someone to shoot him in the foot and have him smirk. Sadly that moment never came.<br /><br />I mentioned his army of sidekicks; and there really are a ridiculous number of them, and they all are complete idiots. First there are the two Monks, Micro and Macro, who help Dennis in his quest for whatever it is he's looking for. These guys live in a church, dress like monks, have the monk hair, but have a high tech lair filled with sophisticated equipment and post-it notes (I called it the Rodcave). I thought something about them was fishy; were they real monks or not? Then later I was informed that monks take a vow of silence, and these gents certainly don't uphold that vow. And did I mention one of them is really fat? And he does kung fu? No, really, he is. And he does. I didn't say he does it well though.<br /><br />Then there is the generic looking whiteboy sidekick, who is a stand-up comedian I've seen on a few talk shows (and who has not impressed me). He's some sort of ex-agent, who knows from where, and he's the most incompetent idiot this side of, well, those two monks. He does both a raptor impression and a dog impression, and fights like his life depended on his gruesome death.<br /><br />There's plenty more to mention here, like Simon's ex girlfriend who alternates fighting and stripping with him; the car that tilts on two wheels, but doesn't fall over; the laughable wire stunts; the bizarre tendency for almost every character to have a nondescript accent; and my personal favorite, the "pole sliding scene." Trust me, when you see it you'll know.<br /><br />I haven't enjoyed a bad movie this much in a long time. Thanks to plenty of poorly made mindless violence the film rarely drags despite its stupidity. The laughable dialogue also helps this clunker speed along towards its action packed finale. For fans of the bizarre and big rebounding NBA forwards turned film stars.