Of all the cardinal sins in cinema, boring an audience to tears is perhaps the most fatal, and "Lady Chatterley" is guilty on all counts.<br /><br />Based on D.H. Lawrence's novel Lady Chatterley's Lover, this French version, complete with exhaustive subtitles, tells the story of Lady Constance Chatterley (Marina Hands). Though vastly wealthy and living on an expansive estate, Lady Chatterley is unhappy; her husband, Sir Clifford (Hippolyte Girardot), rendered paraplegic during the Great War, is incapable of fathering any children. Much of Lady Chatterley's time is spent taking care of her invalid husband, socializing with her rich friends and family, and doing light chores around the house. Life continues in silent desperation until she first lays eyes upon the ruggedly handsome grounds keeper, Parkin (Jean-Louis Coullo'ch).<br /><br />Visually, "Lady Chatterley" is an artistic masterpiece. Whether it is a flower gently bobbing in the wind, the Lady Chatterley drinking from a spring, or Sir Clifford pottering about in his motorized wheelchair, there is always something beautiful to look at. "Lady Chatterley" even makes a brief segue into cinéma vérité, replacing the crisp, smooth steady camera with a hand-held 35mm, replete with washed-out color and uneven focus, making it look as if we were watching a home movie of her life.<br /><br />The acting was also quite remarkable. Even before they first consummate their love, it is quite evident that Lady Chatterley and Parkin want each other. Sir Clifford's own inner anger comes through quite well, knowing that he can't perform for his wife in the way she'd like, but still refusing to let her go completely. While he allows her to get pregnant by another man, Sir Clifford insists that the man with whom she copulates be someone he approves of, though in the end she never reveals to him who her true lover is.<br /><br />Of course, there comes a point where visual wonderment, intense emotions and deep, important symbolism become too much. Half the scenes contain very little dialogue conducive to the plot, and where there is something to be said, it is constantly broken up by vast pauses drenched in meaning. The director also felt that some sequences could be cut entirely, replaced instead by the all-knowing Voice-over from God. If used properly, voice overs can be useful to the story- here, the voice-over is little more than a giant "up yours" to the viewer.<br /><br />There is very little reason to see this movie. The acting, visuals and cinematography are all incredible and surpass the quality of most recently released movies, but at just under three hours, it is just too long. Had the director cut out an hour and a half's worth of extra material, unnecessary sequences and needlessly artistic shots to give us a bare-bones story of Lady Chatterley and her lover, or simply told the story better, he might have made something one could actually care about. Those familiar with the frankly erotic nature of the source material, hoping the love scenes may add some extra "oomph" to an otherwise dry romp will be sorely disappointed. At its high point, the two lovers go for an unnecessarily long frolic in the rain, culminating flowers laced about their nether regions.<br /><br />Instead of a tight romance between forbidden lovers, we get three hours of walking around large French estates and rich people frittering away their afternoons. 2 of 5