Here's a tip for all aspiring screenwriters out there. If the middle part of your script really has nothing to do with the beginning or ending, that means you've written a bad movie and need to start over. The people behind Klepto never learned that lesson, so they wasted their time and mine making this dog of a film.<br /><br />It starts out as the story of Emily Brown (Meredith Bishop). She's a young woman of average attractiveness who also happens to be a compulsive shoplifter. She doesn't steal for money, she just takes things to make herself feel better. Emily is seeing a therapist and taking an enormous amount of medication to deal with her OCD, but her need to steal is getting worse and she's becoming more reckless. When we find out her mother is coming for a visit and witness a couple of flashbacks to Emily's childhood with a man who's face we never see, it seems like Klepto is going to be a family drama about the secrets of the past and how they've shaped a young woman in unfortunate ways.<br /><br />However, the movie largely ignores all of that after the first 20 or so minutes and instead focuses on the story of Nick Diaz (Jsu Garcia, whose first name appears to be missing at least one vowel). Nick is a store security guard who sees Emily stealing and lets her get away with it because he's inexplicably captivated by her, even though he's actually prettier than she is. Nick is a former criminal with a very bitter ex-wife. He's trying to go straight and start his own security agency, when he's not trying to get into Emily's pants. Nick can't get a bank loan, so he lets his degenerate friend Marco (Michael Irby) talk him into doing a drug deal. The plan is that Nick will get the money from an Armenian gangster he knows named Ivan (Henry Czerny), buy 20 thousand pills of ecstasy from one of Marco's contacts, give Ivan the pills and keep a cut of the money for themselves. Things go wrong, a couple of things happen solely because the story needs them to happen, and Nick ends up asking Emily to steal something for him.<br /><br />At this point, the movie seems to suddenly remember it was supposed to be about Emily, her compulsive shopper of a mother, Theresa (Leigh Taylor-Young), and the supposed secret of their family. The utterly underwhelming secret is revealed, Nick demonstrates for the audience that most career criminals are immensely stupid and then the story ends without ever coming close to justifying the hour-and-a-half of my life I threw away watching it.<br /><br />With the director also being a co-writer and the two leads also serving as producers, I think it's fair to say that Klepto is one of those movies that gets made so the filmmakers can enter it into festivals in the hope of getting noticed by some studio executive. But no studio executive, no matter how high on cocaine or distracted by hookers, could ever look at this movie and think the people who made it are worth a minute of his time.<br /><br />This story has absolutely nothing intelligent to say about compulsive shoplifting, compulsive shopping or childhood memories. Nick Diaz' story is nothing but a string of clichés interrupted only by moments when the Almighty Plot Hammer blatantly pushes the story along. The acting is perfectly fine, but the only character who does anything even remotely interesting is a drug dealer played by Michael E. Rodgers. When the best role in your film is a bit part that's barely on screen for 5 minutes, that's another sign you've written a bad screenplay.<br /><br />The direction of Klepto is professional-looking but never more than ordinary, except for one long tracking shot that's clearly in the movie just because the director wanted to show he could pull off a long tracking shot. The effect is a bit like making macaroni and cheese out of the box and throwing a hot pepper in the mix, just for the heck of it.<br /><br />Klepto is one of those movies that make you shake your head and shrug your shoulders. It doesn't have anything to say, yet also fails to say nothing in an intriguing or provocative way. Given the time, energy and money that goes into even a low-budget film like this, it's a mystery why any of the people involved ever thought THIS was the movie to which they wanted to devote themselves.