Orange Is the New Black (2013-19) is an American comedy-drama series, created by Jenji Kohan and released on Netflix, about a woman in her thirties who is sentenced to 15 months in prison after she is convicted of a decade-old crime of transporting money for her drug dealing girlfriend. The series is based on Piper Kerman's memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison, about her experiences in prison. Larry Bloom: [about Piper] I mean, she told me how she traveled after college. But she failed to mention the lesbian lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Imagine my surprise. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? Piper Chapman: Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask that. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: You read that? What, you studied for prison? Sam Healy: [to Piper] No one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors. Yoga Jones: Do you know what a mandala is? Piper Chapman: Um, those are those round Buddhist art things. Yoga Jones: The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand, laid out into big, beautiful designs. And when they're done, after days or weeks of work they wipe it all away. Piper Chapman: Wow. That's, that's a lot. Yoga Jones: Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. You have to remember that. It's all temporary. Larry Bloom: This is all just an adventure, with liver and Yoga Jones and, and, and racism. Lorna Morello: We should've warned you about Red. Piper Chapman: Well, I just didn't expect to be punished while I was getting punished. Daya Diaz: What's the matter, you don't wanna hit me again? Aleida Diaz: From here on out, this place will hit you for me. Galina "Red" Reznikov: Might not look like it, but there's rules in this place. The most important of which is, the second you're perceived as weak, you already are. Rosa "Miss Rosa" Cisneros: Thank God I got cancer. No one fucks with cancer. Galina "Red" Reznikov: And the penguin goes, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded"! George "Pornstache" Mendez: [on Sophia] Cyborg pussy. Bet it's fucking perfect. Piper Chapman: I'm not your wife. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: I threw my pie for you. Sam Healy: Lesbians can be very dangerous. It's the testosterone. Piper Chapman: What are you doing? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: It's an art piece representing the futility of blue collar labor in a technological age. And vaginas. Piper Chapman: In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am. And then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry and throw shit and kill myself. When does that end? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: I'll let you know. Piper Chapman: Is SHU really that bad? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: It's just like the Hamptons, only fucking horrible. Alex Vause: Piper loves tequila. What? Afraid I'll tell them the pork chop story? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: Now this is fucking weird. I have a pork chop story, too. You go first. Piper Chapman: I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now, you. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: You and that Pope's bitch are running the place. Sister Jane Ingalls: I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening. George "Pornstache" Mendez: All right, you listen to me. You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Jesus Christ, how did you survive infancy? Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: My auntie helped my mama-- George "Pornstache" Mendez: That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is? Sophia Burset: You knew? This whole time? Sister Janes Ingalls: I figured it out when you thought Stations of the Cross meant Christian radio. Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson: So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site. So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the fuck? Again?" And then I look down and I see there's this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire. And when I look closer, I see that the dude is wearing my shirt, barbeque sauce all over his face, and he's dead. That's when I knew it was time to make a change. Thank you. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but it was tuna salad. Galina "Red" Reznikov: Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev. Joe Caputo: Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, but how do we know for sure that it came out of here? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: No such fucking word as 'knifes'. Lorna Morello: No? Then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? I'll tell you. He knifes him. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Well, aren't you the plot spoiler. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: You can only vote within your race or your group. Just pretend it's the 1950s. It makes it easier to understand. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Chapman is a Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy. And he throws out my vote. My votes that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver?! Alex Vause: So in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ? Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: I've been betrayed. Piper Chapman: Are you planning a vacation? Sam Healy: If I were, it would be somewhere you drink rum out of a mini volcano. Poussey Washington: We are all just in here because we took the wrong turn going to church. Galina "Red" Reznikov: I don't do that shit. George "Pornstache" Mendez: This shit, that shit, blue shit, bat shit, it doesn't matter what you do. It's the doing that makes you dirty. Alex Vause: So Wanda Bell? You might remember her as the blood-sucking dragon cunt? She works up front, eats souls for fun? George "Pornstache" Mendez: Nobody else gets through this gate? No suspicious delivery guy? No shady-looking mook in a fucking tampon truck? Eliqua Maxwell: There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, the vegetable people... sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The vegetable people? Like a giant celery serial killer carrying a machete, or broccoli lighting shit up with a flame thrower... who's a smoothie now, bitches? Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: ... and you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus! Alex Vause: There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalacian meth-heads? George "Pornstache" Mendez: No Thanksgiving suicides! Chapman, what are we not to do on this day of thanks? Piper Chapman: Commit suicide? George "Pornstache" Mendez: Exactly. Piper Chapman: Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions. We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it. So that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life. Sister Jane Ingalls: You never stay focused on a member of the opposite sex for too long. That's how I watch every Russell Crowe movie. Joe Caputo: Christ, he's probably got the Obamas on the phone by now. Piper Chapman: What's your name again? Dina: Dina. Piper Chapman: Dina. That's a pretty name. You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison bitch, I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection. That I'm gonna do to you what the spring does with the cherry trees, but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right? Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you're something that you're not. You could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving. Keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak. Dina: Back the fuck off me. Piper Chapman: I'm like you, Dina. I'm weak, too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I'm some evil fuck-monster? I don't know. But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are. Because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina. And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch. Poussey Washington: Man. You're cold. Piper Chapman: Bitches gots to learn. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: There used to be a sign that said 'CAUTION! WET FLOOR! Really told people what was going on. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: Can I ask you one more question? Piper Chapman: Yeah, of course. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: How come everyone calls me 'Crazy Eyes'? George "Pornstache" Mendez: They think I'm so tall my feelings don't get hurt. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things. Pretend the dirt is the feelings. This floor is my mind. That is called coping. And the COs don't care 'cause they like things clean. And that is called symbiosis. Erica "Yoga" Jones: I used to grow marijuana out in California, Humboldt County. One acre, nothing crazy. Just enough to keep me going. Janae Watson: Goin', like, baked? Erica "Yoga" Jones: Like, pay the rent. I mean, I smoked it once in a while. But mostly I was just a good old-fashioned drunk, like my parents raised me to be. Janae Watson: So the Feds shut you down. Erica "Yoga" Jones: Actually, it was the deer. Janae Watson: The who, now? Erica "Yoga" Jones: Oh, yeah, deer love weed. [chuckles] Fucks them right up, too. They start jumping around all over the place. Then they come back for more. And the kicker is, you can't keep them out. I tried everything. Soap shavings, fox pee, which they sell at the Home Depot for $120 a gallon. Janae Watson: Seems like you could have just built a fence. Erica "Yoga" Jones: No, a deer can jump an eight-foot barb wire fence with a smile on its face, like Donald O'Connor. Janae Watson: Get to the meat already. Erica "Yoga" Jones: I got a hunting rifle and stayed up all night, four, five times a week. And finally, one night I see them rustling around the edge of my property, where I was growing the quality shit, this hybrid plant called AK-47, which the fake prescription people eat up like peanuts. I was pissed. Janae Watson: And drunk? Erica "Yoga" Jones: Oh, honey, that goes without saying. Janae Watson: So what happened? Erica "Yoga" Jones: I shot him. Janae Watson: And? Erica "Yoga" Jones: And it wasn't a deer. It was an eight-year-old kid from the farm next door who was running away from home because his dad took away his Nintendo. A kid. Janae Watson: Shit. Erica "Yoga" Jones: And they buried him on their property, in a box. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in? Piper Chapman: Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual - Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: She disrespected me. Now I'm gonna have to kill her. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: [to Red] None of this is how it's supposed to go. You're tougher than woodpecker lips. You'll be okay. Sam Healy: Another holiday. Can you believe this? Natalie "Fig" Figueroa: I can, because I have eyes. And a calendar. Healy, if you ever call an inmate's family again with your lesbian witch hunt shit, I will destroy you, your mail order bride will leave you, and you will never work again. Get some fucking therapy, man. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: [to Chapman] You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God. I mean, look at my dress! Midwest Inmate: Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass. There's plains and corn and a shit ton of white people who don't vote in their best interest. Piper Chapman: I was a demanding poochie. Piper Chapman: He's a hit man? Oh I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved! Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: According to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger or a correctional officer. Galina "Red" Reznikov: You're a good son. Not great, but pretty good. Vasily Reznikov: I'll take it. Poussey Washington: Man, I thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique or Wesley Snipes or somethin'. Not some cigarette-hawkin' fuck-nut reminding us that the only people who want to hire felons are already hated by everybody else. Cindy "Black Cindy" Hayes: Nah, see, they ain't so bad. See, people can decide for theyselves if they wanna smoke. The real evil are them companies killin' us without consent. Monsanto. Rio Tinto. Big Pharma, BP, Halliburton. I been readin' there's some dark shit goin' down. Not that any of 'em motherfuckers ever wanna hire us. But the real criminals, they don't bother with us small-timers. Natalie "Fig" Figueroa: [to Taystee] Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me", "Give me things", " "Fix the heat", "Build a gym". I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up! Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: Sometimes people just don't want to play with you, and that's okay. Lorna Morello: What kind of woman doesn't want to pick her own date? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: One that doesn't get excited about the wedding industrial complex and society's bullshit need to infantilize grown women. Yvonne "Vee" Parker: [to Crazy Eyes about Piper] At the end of the day, you are a garden rose and that bitch is a weed. Brook Soso: You tried to sell me for a blanket? Piper Chapman: Well, when you put it that way-- Brook Soso: You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person. Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson: Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting on too many freakin' pillows, making it hard to see and shit. [She throws popcorn at Flaca] Marisol "Flaca" Gonzales: Cállate, choncha. (Shut up, fatass.) Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson: What did you call me?! [Flaca sticks the middle finger at her while other people are shushing at her] Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Hey, what y'all playing? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Nothing. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: A game as old as time. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Oh yeah? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: Exclusion. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Cool. How d'you play it? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: I was arrogant. It's a classic story of hubris. I'm like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun. Sam Healy: Behind every strong man is a strong cunt-faced bitch monster. Flaca: It's like getting into a bath but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing 'There is a Light that Never Goes Out'. There's warm lighting all over and there are like five dudes massaging you. Maritza: And you have a pizza. Flaca: She's right. And you also have a pizza. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton, then y'all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinking, fourth-grade reading level, daddy-on-Cops trailer trash nothing. Polly Harper: You show up at my house like fucking Squiggy with a hard-on. Maybe next time you decide some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first? Larry Bloom: Okay, look, Polly, I'm spiraling out okay? I am. I, I , I... You know, you have this idea of what your life is... Polly Harper: No, I can't do this, Larry! Larry Bloom: Okay. Polly Harper: I'm serious. It's just stupid. Larry Bloom: I know. Polly Harper: I mean, yes we were friends before we even started dating Pete and Piper. And yes, you drove me to the hospital when I was in labor and handled all the paperwork and the nurses. And yes, you were the only one there for me when my husband checked out of fatherhood so he could go on a month-long mission of self-exploration, and you're funny, but also boring in all the right ways, and... What the hell am I saying? Just fuck me. Sam Healy: The doctor recommends a bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy. Miss Rosa: Who doesn't love a surgery with 'ooph' in it? Miss Rosa: I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory. Hail of gunfire, screech of tires. But this kind of death, this slow, invisible disappearing into nothing, it's terrifying. Sophia Burset: My father had a lung transplant that didn't take. We hadn't spoken since I transitioned. He was a real hard-ass. But in the end, he started asking for me. He even used my new name, Sophia. People get soft, you know, when they dying. If I could've seen him, I don't know...may have felt like closure. But we don't get a lot of that in this life now, do we? Piper Chapman: Yes, I am white! We have established that. And I got furlough, too. I guess white privilege wins again. And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry that you guys got the raw deal, but I love my fucking grandmother. And, yeah yeah, she may be a whitey, too but she's a fucking person and she's sick and she needs me! So shut the fuck up! It's not my problem. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: You know, another layer of icing on a shit cake doesn't make it taste good. Piper Chapman: Larry, when was the last time you got to cum in a real live vagina instead of your hand? George "Pornstache" Mendez: MENDEZ IS BACK, BITCHES! Lorna Morello: Do you hate me? Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: No, I don't hate you. Well, it is getting clearer every second that you're totally bat-shit crazy, but you're a beautiful, sweet girl. Fuck this guy. So many people are gonna love you. Lorna Morello: No. No, nobody's gonna love me. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: I do. Yvonne "Vee" Parker: A tunnel, Red? That is so Bugs Bunny. Joe Caputo: You ever seen an image that sears itself into your brain? Like the movie about the hiker guy, where he cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, the sound, the tendons! Fuck! I wish I never watched that part. You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch? George "Pornstache" Mendez: No, sir. Joe Caputo: Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass, bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl. A girl you were supposed to protect and keep safe. Your ass, it haunts me. George "Pornstache" Mendez: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Joe Caputo: I've been doing this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But considering the DOC didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... until now. George "Pornstache" Mendez: Well, I've been doing my job, sir. Just gave out 15 shots this morning. Joe Caputo: You got her pregnant. George "Pornstache" Mendez: No. Joe Caputo: Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her. George "Pornstache" Mendez: Whoa. Joe Caputo: Mendez, you're fucking fired. Joe Caputo: Mmm, this shameful sexual violation is really working out for you, isn't it? Natalie "Fig" Figueroa: I am just happy that we have helped to start a dialogue. Poussey Washington: Let me ask you something. You come back to prison on accident or 'cause outside you're too weak for anybody to take serious? What, you got some kids think you hot shit? Big deal. You're like a pedophile without the sex. Bet the real players laugh in your face. Bet you let 'em fuck you for free, too. Poussey Washington: [to Healy] Did it ever occur to you that we don't wanna get in touch with our feelings? That actually feeling our feelings might make it impossible to survive in here? Piper Chapman: I'm talking about Alex. She should be under witness protection. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: What do you care? I mean, didn't she screw you over in Chicago? That's kind of how you two relate, isn't it? It's like Spy vs. Spy, but sexual. Father Lane: Are you not happy being a nun? Sister Jane Ingalls: No! I love being a nun. If I seem prideful, it's only because I love the work I do and because I'm really good at it. Father Lane: By your own estimation. There is a page in your book I'd like to read for you. "I have never heard Christ clearly in my heart. Either my heart's hard of hearing, or Christ can be a bit of a mumbler, and so I've learned to trust in my own moral instincts". Sister Jane Ingalls: It's a joke. I'm comparing my marriage to Christ to a typical marriage. Father Lane: "But it wasn't my moral instincts that led me to Nicaragua in the summer of '88. It was a young freedom fighter named Carlos. Sister Jane Ingalls: Okay - Father Lane: "With rock-hard abs under his jungle fatigues, Carlos was revolutionary in more ways than one and overthrowing the Sandinistas was not his only objective" - Sister Jane Ingalls: Okay, now, that chapter's there for the mommy book-club crowd. They need a little beefcake with their politics! Galina "Red" Reznikov: You want to assassinate someone, vision is a basic requirement. It's like step one, pick a person to kill. Step two, kill that person! Freida: We tell her it's a warning shot. Don't fuck with Red. Galina "Red" Reznikov: Or a 79 year old woman will shank someone you never met. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: No offense, but, uh, men being in charge has never done me any good. Sam Healy: Well, are you eating free cookies? Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Yes. Sam Healy: You should think about that before you get ideas. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: How's this whole "agenda" thing work? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: I got a lot of those. Specify. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: The gay agenda to take over the world? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Okay. First of all, keep your voice down. This shit is top secret. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Are you gonna let all the men die out? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Oh, fuck, no, we need slaves. You know, bookkeeping, janitorial, fetch and carry, that kind of shit. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Yeah, what about for sex? 'Cause I know I like how they smell kind of funky and they're big and they have dicks and all that. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Well, maybe, but when you're done, you gotta toss 'em away like trash. I mean, the whole point of this is chicks digging each other and being in charge. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Let's say I wanna join, right? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Okay, let's say that. Shh. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Would I have to do anything disgusting against the word of God? You know? I'm talking about eating pussy, if you catch my drift. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Yeah, I hear you. And that is a big part of it, I'm not gonna lie. But since you have these religious convictions, eh, we can probably give you an exemption. I mean, we're not unreasonable. Galina "Red" Reznikov: This place is getting to me. Yvonne "Vee" Parker: Oh, yeah. You just tried to strangle me with plastic wrap so that you can sell mascara in jail. Nicole "Nicky" Nichols: [to Piper] You know, 'cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend, I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're living the dream. But if you want my advice, then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know? And, maybe, spend some of that energy praying that your roommate makes it out of medical with all her brain cells intact. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: [to Brook] You know, I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China doll! Leanne Taylor: She's Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass. Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren: I am not crazy. I am unique. Sam Healy: You know what you get when you try around here? Not much. Yvonne "Vee" Parker: You break my heart. Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson: Might be true...if you had one. Miss Rosa: [after killing Vee] Always so rude, that one. Sister Jane Ingalls: How you doing, Red? Galina "Red" Reznikov: Strangest thing. Ever since the assault I speak with this Russian accent. Joe Caputo: Now, what'd you hear? Berdie Rogers: That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella. Joe Caputo: Yeah, well, it's starting to leak. Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill. [sighs] I'm doin' two jobs. Berdie Rogers: Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job? Joe Caputo: Are you analyzin' me? Berdie Rogers: No. I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot. Joe Caputo: My beef's not with you. Berdie Rogers: What'd you hear about me? Joe Caputo: That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes. Berdie Rogers: Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part? Joe Caputo: How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas. These are complicated ladies in a complicated place. Piper Chapman: Crackheads, Wookiees. You know, you gotta let 'em win. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: You ever read a book called Freakonomics? Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Sounds boring. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Mmm. It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?" Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Over there in that field. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: [chuckles] You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: The Darkness of '73. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade? These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon. But they were never born. So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate [scoffs] Dropped dramatically. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: What's your point? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Never thought about it that way. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself. I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children. And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives. [Red has come to Healy's office] Galina "Red" Reznikov: I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list. Sam Healy: You having problems with your case? Galina "Red" Reznikov: No. And please take my husband off my list. Sam Healy: [gesturing to the seat in front of him] Why don't you have a seat, Red? Galina "Red" Reznikov: I won't be staying. But thank you. Sam Healy: Please... Sit. [annoyed, she does so] You want to tell me what's going on? Galina "Red" Reznikov: I married a pillow. Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back. Sam Healy: Words like "always" are absolutes. And using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe. When speaking emotionally, absolutes can be dangerous. Galina "Red" Reznikov: Good advice. Thank you. Please add my lawyer and remove my husband. Sam Healy: You know, Red... Marriage is a two-way street. Galina "Red" Reznikov: And you can't swim without getting wet. See, I can say cliches too. Ha! Sam Healy: You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place. You may find that they're still there. Galina "Red" Reznikov: I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners. But I'll settle for my name back. Sam Healy: You made a lifelong commitment. That's sacred. Galina "Red" Reznikov: You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done. [In Russian] Cocksucker. Sam Healy: [in a sharp tone, startling her] Hey! Language! [angrily] I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband, or any other man that way. [as she stares at him in shock, he rises from his seat] You know, you huff in here... Like some put-upon martyr... Like a smile would break your face, trivialising a man's emotions. What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something? Galina "Red" Reznikov: What the hell does that -? Sam Healy: Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time I'm gonna warn you, Mrs. Reznikov. [comes round to the front of his desk] You forget where you are... Just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this too? Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean! Maria Ruiz: You'll call each other up maybe meet for drinks, make more plans but then cancel them, push them off, you're suddenly really busy. But the truth is you're avoiding each other because it only took that one drink for you to realize you don't have anything in common and all you got was a reminder of the time you spent in this fucking hellhole. We're not a family. We're a band-aid and once you rip it off, all we are to each other is scars. Berdie Rogers: Look, Vause, I get it. I get the anger. When a country has more inmates than teachers or engineers, we are living in a fucked up society. Prison is bullshit. Alex Vause: [chuckling] Then why work in one? Berdie Rogers: Because I think there are people here with potential that's being squandered - and I wanna make a - Alex Vause: Oh, you wanna make a difference? Yeah, I get it. You're one of the good guys. But guess what. We all think we're good guys. I used to work for a drug dealer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in your head if you crossed him, or if you stopped being useful to him, but in his mind, he's still a good guy. [laughing] Heroin Robin Hood because he cut out the Mexican cartels and passed on the savings to the consumer, and he never cut his shit with brick dust. And you're not just another shill taking a paycheck from an evil system of oppression, 'cause you're fighting it from the inside with drama class. Fine. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get by. But excuse me if I don't want to spend my precious time catering to the delusion that you're making a difference. I have my own quilt of lies to sew. Berdie Rogers: That is a great speech. Now, I would love to hear you give it again in drama class. [Lorna and Chang are doing a scene together in Berdie's improv class] Lorna Morello: Oh, Frankie? [makes motions] You have a phone call, Frankie! Would you...like to...take the phone? [Chang shrugs] Take the phone... Chang: That's not a phone. Lorna Morello: What is it? Chang: It's a dog. Lorna Morello: No, it's not... Berdie Rogers: Agree to the situation, go with it... Lorna Morello: But she is clear---alright, dog, my mistake, and here...is the phone! Chang: That's not a phone either. Lorna Morello: What is it? Chang: A DICK! [everyone cracks up] [Piper and Alex argue in drama class] Piper Chapman: ... because it is... so .. good to see you... customer ...Would you maybe like another piece of fruit... it's a persimmon. Black Cindy: Uh-Uh That's a dick [everybody laughs]. Alex Vause: You know i have a thing for soft fruits. Black Cindy: Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow. [everybody cheers and claps] Nicky Nichols: There is no white light for me. If we don't get this stuff out of here, it's gonna find its way back to me, or me to it, you know? I'm like a bloodhound for oblivion. [Red is translating a conversation between Healy and his wife, Katya] Galina "Red" Reznikov: [in Russian] All he wants is for you to be happy. Sam Healy: I don't know why, but we've lost the feeling we had in the beginning. [Red translates] Katya Healy: [in broken English] We never have real feeling at beginning, because you're not the man you say to me on Internet. You catfish. Sam Healy: [confused] Catfish? [He looks to Red, but she doesn't understand either] Katya Healy: [in Russian] I thought he was a real psychologist. I thought we'd go to the museums, the opera. I thought he'd be funny. He seemed funny online when he could edit himself. Galina "Red" Reznikov: [unimpressed] Mmmm... [Healy looks at her for a translation] Um... You're not a real psychologist. You don't go to the opera and you're not funny. Katya Healy: [in Russian] He yells at me. Galina "Red" Reznikov: And you yell. Katya Healy: And drool. Every morning, the sheets are soaked like a small child has peed the bed, but from his face. Galina "Red" Reznikov: [in English] It's... [sighs] It doesn't translate. Sam Healy: Look, I have not been perfect. But there's nothing wrong between us that we can't work through together. Katya Healy:[in English] No, it is too late. I deserve better man than you, Sam. Galina "Red" Reznikov: [fed up] Oh, give me a fucking break. Deserve? Deserve!? You're a mail-order bride. Katya Healy: I'm not a mail-order bride. Galina "Red" Reznikov: [in Russian] Whatever. You "made an arrangement," and he's holding up his end of it. And you're the type who wants the world to be perfect, but you're not willing to lift a finger to help it along. He's not the man you thought he'd be because the man you thought he'd be doesn't exist. This is what a good man looks like. [loudly, in English] So what if he drools a small pond? He takes care of you, doesn't he? He takes care of your mother, and he's handsome, and he's good. And at least he's fucking trying, which is a lot more than I can say for you! [Big Boo is getting a makeover from Sophia and Lorna to trick a pastor into thinking she's renouncing her homosexuality] Sophia Burset: Okay, all finished. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Show me my big beautiful self. Lorna Morello: [putting the finishing touches on her makeup] Okay, almost there. Just hold on, all right? Carrie "Big Boo Black: All right. Lorna Morello: There... We... Go... Oh, I love this part. This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the... the plastic surgery makeover, and then all their problems just went away after. [Pennsatucky rolls her eyes in irritation] Sophia Burset: Okay, here we go... [she turns the chair to the mirror. She smiles, while Lorna screams in delight. However, a haunted expression comes over Big Boo's face] Lorna Morello: [screaming] I'm so sorry, I can't help it. I just love makeovers, and you look so pretty. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett: Boo, you look fucking weird. [they look at her in annoyance] What, she does. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: [her eyes filling with tears] No, um... I look like my mother. Tracy: What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry? Carrie "Big Boo" Black: Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything. Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar. Ain't no dramatic origin story here. Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it. Piper Chapman: The thermal fuse blew. Jack Pearson: And you can fix that by yourself, honey? Piper Chapman: Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain. Alex Vause: [watching Piper climb up her bunk] Need a little help there? Piper Chapman: Nope. I've got it, thank you. I called you my girlfriend. Alex Vause: What? To who? Piper Chapman: To my parents, and my brother, and my brother's wife. Alex Vause: [lets out a long exhale] That's a bold move, Chapman. Piper Chapman: I know. I didn't even mean to say it, but it just... It just came out. And now... Now I can't stop thinking about it. Alex Vause: [sarcastically] Do you wanna pass me a note and have me circle yes or no? Piper Chapman: [embarrassed] I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend... Alex Vause: Oh no? Piper Chapman: No, definitely not! I just thought... I thought that it was weird. Alex Vause: Totally weird. [pauses] You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed. Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands. So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it. Piper Chapman: Will you be my girlfriend? Alex Vause: [bursts out laughing] Yeah. Piper Chapman: Yes!? Alex Vause: Yes, you idiot! Piper Chapman: [to the rest of the cell] She said yes. [cut to reveal that only Anita and Sister Jane are in the cell, looking obviously disinterested] Anita DeMarco: Good for you, hun. Sister Jane Ingalls: Mazel tov. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: I have been her daughter for 42 years. Now don't you think she could have taken some of that time to work on accepting me for who I am, rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not? Mr. Black: I understand that whatever this is, is important to you, but it's a costume, that's all. The rest of us, we get up, put on a suit and a tie, we go to work. You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week? But no one gets the privilege of being themselves all the time, Carrie. No one. Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you. But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you. Carrie "Big Boo" Black: I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad. All my life. Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even my own parents all asking me to be something that I am not. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like, your whole fucking existence is being denied, like "Whoa, you'd be better off if you were invisible"? Yeah. I refuse to be invisible, Daddy. Not for you, not for Mom, not for anybody. Dayanara: I hear they’re setting up a call center. Flaca: With my sexy voice, I’ll be making mad commissions. Gloria: Commissions? Right. You get 10% of nothing on every nothing you nothing. Maritza: What if it turns out to be, like, picking up trash on the side of the road? Flaca: They don't pay that much for dummy work. Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts. Aleida Diaz: Yeah, what're you gonna wow them with? Your eyeliner skills, or your smarts about how many words rhyme with bleak in emo songs? [laughs] Flaca: Fuck you and your stupid sad face. We didn't take your baby away, okay? Aleida Diaz: Yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about. Flaca: You should shut up, you know. At least I got ambition. [speaking Spanish] You little kiss ass. Aleida Diaz: Ambition? That what you call your ADD? Oh, look, something shiny over there! Flaca: Selfish bitch. You wanna work out your shit on me? Fine. Let's go. I can take it. Gloria: Whoa! [speaking English] You, go scrub some pans. Flaca: What? Gross. She started this shit! Gloria: Now! Flaca: I'm so done with this depressing-ass place. Gloria [to Norma]: Fine, you can keep the honey, but it's for eating only. I see you anointing anything with this, it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life. Flaca: [speaking English] A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious. I can't think straight. Blanca: [speaking Spanish] That's just an excuse for being stupid. Flaca: I believe people are basically moral. Agree. Blanca: You're supposed to answer honest. Flaca: I do believe that. Blanca: [speaking Spanish] You're sitting with a bunch of criminals. Flaca: [speaking English] You gotta think deeper than that. People wanna be good. They really do, deep down. But they just fuck up. Morello: My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing. But she never shut the fuck up. [chuckles nervously] Piper Chapman: It's a prison phenomenon. It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before. Alex Vause: No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed. Delia Powell: You seem upset. Dayanara: I'm pregnant in prison, lady. Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy? Delia Powell: No, no. I just... I thought... I thought we would talk a little bit more. Dayanara: What is there to say? I don't feel anything for this baby. Delia Powell: It's hard to have love for something that's camping out on your bladder. I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's. It was not a good look. But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams. Dayanara: None of this is what dreams are made of. It was just a mistake. So, if you're trying to prove something by taking that on, God bless. ... You got a paper? I'll sign it over right now. You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance to start a new life where I just gotta worry about me. Delia Powell: You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby. Dayanara: [chuckles] Oh, I get it now. Delia Powell: Is there somebody in here that you could talk to? You know, a professional or something? Dayanara: [chuckles] My counselor is an old white man who tries to connect by saying "Hola" in the hallway. [sighs] And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal. I talk to her sometimes, mmm, when she's not being a total bitch. Go team. Gloria: Oh. Look who decided to grace us with her presence. Throw an apron on, we'll talk punishment later. Flaca: I got the job. It's supposed to start in a few minutes. I just wanted to come let you know. Gloria: Come? How considerate of you... to show your front when you're turning your back on your family. Flaca: I earned it, Gloria. You should be proud of me. Maria: Because of that test? I heard some of the questions on that test. It's not even about anything. Flaca: They were obviously about something, and I got 'em right. Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked. Gloria: Oh. So now you're better than us? What, you're chosen? Oh, watch out, Norma, Flaca is moving in on your territory. [laughs] Flaca: That's right, I am better. Better than all you bitches. Maybe I got C's in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics. Some people are born for greatness. Maria: How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential. Flaca: Fuck you. [speaking Spanish] Fucking nobodies. Flaca's mother: [speaking Spanish] Marisol, turn that down, I can't think. Flaca: How much thinking you gotta do with that shit? Go straight, then turn. Joe Caputo: I read over that test. Where did you come up with that? Danny Pearson: Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet. Joe Caputo: Some kind of new assessment technique? Danny Pearson: Um, it was, like, a... personality quiz or something. I don't even know. We didn't even read 'em. Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners. Joe Caputo: That's your system? Random selection? Danny Pearson: My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes. Joe Caputo: But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement? Danny Pearson: We'll have COs on post. We've had a lot of success with this model. Joe Caputo: I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either. Danny Pearson: You're right. No, I totally get it. You're right. I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly. Good thinking, Caputo. Thanks a lot. I feel really lucky you're here. [Piper has stepped out of the shower, and passes Stella, who is combing her hair, stark naked] Stella Carlin: Hey, boss lady. Piper Chapman: Hey! Um... [awkwardly trying to avert her gaze] You look comfortable. Stella Carlin: I like to air dry. Sensitive skin. And these towels are the fucking worst. Piper Chapman: Oh yeah, they're the worst. Stella Carlin: How does it feel being a magnate? Piper Chapman: No, I'm not really... Stella Carlin: Today'd panty smuggler, tomorrow's Fortune 500. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Piper Chapman: You're too young to know that song! Stella Carlin: [confused] What song? Piper Chapman: Never mind. Stella Carlin: So, how's your first shipment doing? Piper Chapman: We'll know soon. Stella Carlin: You must be psyched. Piper Chapman: It's really nice how supportive you are. Stella Carlin: [smiles] Whatever. [By this point, Piper has changed her mind, and decided to get a good look at Stella instead, so she awkwardly tries to prolong the conversation] Piper Chapman: I was thinking, and I... I think you'd actually be a really great... person
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