Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main Angel (1999–2004) was an American TV show, created by Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt and airing on The WB, about the ongoing trials of Angel, a vampire whose human soul was restored to him by gypsies as a punishment for the murder of one of their own. After more than a century of murder and the torture of innocents, Angel's restored soul torments him with guilt and remorse. It was a spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Wesley: I realize we sacrifice a great deal of our social lives, but we have to. Work demands it. Gunn: True. I mean who's got time for love when you're out there, doin' it with the demons. [with regretful look] Didn't that come out sad and wrong. Gunn: Hmm, Angel and a bunch of monks in the middle of nowhere. There's a party. He should have got hammered and gone to Vegas like I told him. Wesley: He doesn't need a lap dance, he needs some peace and quiet to work through this. [lengthy fight between Angel and robed men] Villager: What happened? Angel: Demon monks. Shoulda gone to Vegas. Fred: I came out of my room. Small steps, just like you said. Angel: Go to your room and stay there! Fred: Okay. James: But if you've changed. If you aren't the same man who screwed Darla and couldn't care less what happened to her... Angel: Where did you hear... Oh. You mean back in the day. Right. Angel: What's your version of love? "It's not real unless it kills me"? James: What's yours? "It's fun as long as it doesn't cost me anything"? You think you won because you're still alive? I lived. You just existed. [Turns to dust] Darla: Well, you know what they say... life's full of surprises. [Darla leaves the bar revealing her incredibly pregnant belly.] Angel: Fred! Good to see you out and about. Fred: It is isn't it. Out and about. I've been forkin' with Gunn. Gunn: Five herb shops in Chinatown; we've been to four. How come whatever we're searching for is always in the last place we look? Wesley: I suppose it's one of the unwritten laws of being a dick. Uh, um, sleuth, a gumshoe, Sherlock. Gunn: All I know is you use the word dick again, and we're gonna have a problem. So what's the name of this place anyway? Wesley: Van Hoa Dong. Cordelia: I'm right as rain. Fred: I never understood that saying-right as rain. How is rain right? Or wrong for that matter? Okay, I suppose if there's a flood it's wrong, and speaking of floods, or just being overwhelmed, what's it like to have a vision? Cordelia: Wow. Y'know, next to you, I am downright linear. Wesley: The Host reads people's auras to set them on their path, in some shape or form that connects them to the Powers that Be. I'm thinking... Angel: Sure, he might be able to reverse the process. That he might be able to use Cordelia in order to 'trace the call' back to the Powers. Lorne: WAY outside my area of expertise, I should caution. But hey, who knew William Shatner could sing? [He laughs, glances at a horribly disfigured Cordelia, and awkwardly stops] Okay. Bad example. Lilah: There's a young man who's been unfairly imprisoned. And you're going to save him. Isn't that what you do? Save people? You'll need those items to succeed. Angel: I see. I do this for you and you stop sending Cordy the killer visons. Lilah: No, you'll do this because I tell you to. Darla: You're a difficult man to find, señor. Do you know why I'm here? You are my last hope. I've been told you're very powerful, very wise. I've tried everything and I can't get rid of it. So, I ask you: What is this thing growing inside of me, and how is it possible? Shaman: The Father is also a...? Darla: Vampire? Yes. Though not a very good one. Shaman: I will need some blood. Darla: Well... I'll show you mine if you show me yours. [The Shaman pauses] Darla: Men are such babies. [Darla cuts her hand.] Shaman: This has never failed me. [The Shaman places his hands on Darla's belly and has a major reaction.] Shaman: I cannot help you. No man can. This is not meant to be known. Darla: Yeah, yeah. Like I haven't heard that before. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. Time to go visit Daddy. [Fred is onstage at a karaoke bar, singing "Crazy".] Cordelia: I swear, she picked out the song herself. Wesley: [to Rondell] If you don't mind, I'd prefer a clean kill. The last time I was merely wounded. It took months to heal. Wounded, if I recall, in an attempt to help you. Cordelia: Look, this is really urgent. I know Lorne pays you to cast this spell. What will it take for you to lift it? Transuding Sisters: [in sequence] This is not a debt you can pay. Cordelia: [insulted] You don't know that. My credit has been very good this last year. Transuding Sisters: [in sequence] Only Angel is equipped to make good on this debt. Cordelia: Angel. [makes raspberry noise] I don't know. You know, for a guy who's a couple of centuries old, not very big with the wise investing. [pause, then understanding] And when you say "equipped", that isn't what you mean, is it? Transuding Sisters: [together] Mmmm...Angel. Cordelia: Got it. And eww. Gunn: No matter what else, I think I proved that you can trust me when I could have killed you and I didn't. Angel: No. You'll prove that I can trust you when the day comes that you have to kill me — and you do. Fred: [looking at Cordelia's fashion magazine] Why do girls want to look like that? I spent years in a cave starving, what's their excuse? Cordelia: [about Fred] She's got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome and brave and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil, and let's face it, a eunuch. Angel: Hey! How can you...I'm not a eunuch. Cordelia: Angel, it's just a figure of speech. Angel: Find another one. Cordelia: I just mean that sex is a no-no for you because of the whole "if you know perfect bliss you'll turn evil curse." Really no cure for that, is there? Wesley: [about Angel making out with someone on his desk] This isn't like him. Cordelia: What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde? Fred: Brunette. She was a cheap brunette. Cordelia: You're right. This isn't like him. Cordelia: Lemme break it down for you, Fred. Cordelia [as Buffy]: Oh, Angel, I know that I am a Slayer, and you're a vampire and it would be impossible for us to be together, but— Wesley [as Angel]: But... my gypsy curse sometimes prevents me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy... Cordelia [as Buffy]: Yes, Angel? Wesley [as Angel]: I love you so much, I almost forgot to brood. Cordelia [as Buffy]: And just because I sent you to Hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends. Wesley [as Angel]: Or possibly more? Cordelia [as Buffy]: Gasp! No! We mustn't! Wesley [as Angel]: Kiss me! Cordelia [as Buffy]: Bite me! Angel: [entering] How 'bout you both bite me? Fred: You're back! Gunn: How'd it go? Angel: I think those two pretty much summed it up. Cordelia: [on Fred's invention] God, I really wish she wouldn't leave her toys laying around. Gunn: Ooh, pretty wicked looking toy. Wesley: I'll say. It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device. Cordelia: Or it makes toast. With her you never know. Cordelia: Fred can barely tie her shoes without Mr. 'oh, you're my big, fat hero!' around. Angel: [quietly] You think I'm fat? Cordelia: [to Wesley and Gunn] Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson! A little focus, please. Mr. Burkle: And to think, we were wondering when to call the police on a bunch of superheroes. Angel: Oh, I'm not really a hero. Gunn: More like a blood-sucking fiend. Mr. Burkle: Well frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood, or those froofy little imported beers. You saved my little girl. Angel: Well, I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club. Mr. Burkle: Well, I'll tell you. I haven't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63 - - Angel and Mr. Burkle: Bob Hope Desert Classic [laugh together like old friends] Angel: [Looks at the walls] Are you gonna remember everything that's up there? Fred: Well, sure. It's a story. Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived all alone in a horrible cave - so far from home it made her chest hurt. And every day in that horrible cave, the girl tried to figure out a way to escape. None of her plans ever succeeded, of course, and she'd almost given up hopin' - when one day, just like in a fairy tale - a handsome man rode up on a horse and saved her, and took her back to his castle. Now you'd think that was the end, wouldn'tcha? Dumb old fairy tales and their happily ever afters. But see, the minute they got back to the castle, the handsome man went away again. And even though she didn't mean to - didn't want to - high up in that castle the girl just built herself another cave. Hoping he would save her again. [Looks at Angel] But you can't save me this time. Can you? Gunn: [after Fred's invention launches an axe through the Durslar beast's head] So. Not a toaster. Gunn: [playing a video game] Dead! So dead! So very, very dead. Just how dead are you, huh? Angel: I'm tired of being the dead one. Lilah: Cordelia Chase, right? You came here to gloat? Cordelia: I can do that anywhere. Are you going to invite me in? Oh, wait. I'm not a vampire. [walks in] Lilah: [sarcastically] Please, come on in. Cordelia: I want you to tell me about Billy. Everything you didn't tell Angel. I want you to help me stop him. Lilah: And what makes you think I'm going to do that? Cordelia: Well, your face, for starters. Lilah: I know the risks of my job, and I accept them. Cordelia: Then why were you crying five minutes ago. [Lilah looks surprised] There's not a thing about badly re-applied mascara that I don't know. Lilah: I am not Lindsay McDonald. I don't switch sides whenever it gets tough. And since when is this your job? I thought Angel was the Dark Revenger. Cordelia: Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch. Lilah: So you know me. Cordelia: Please, I was you. With better shoes. Lilah: These are Versace. Cordelia: Fall collection? Lilah: Next spring. Cordelia: He's widened the heel. Lilah: And rounded the toe. Cordelia: That won't work with pink. Lilah: The pink is out this spring. Cordelia: Billy makes people crazy. Lilah: Not all people. Just men. He brings out a primal misogyny in them. Turns them into killers. Cordelia: Then why didn't he do it to Angel? Lilah: Angel's seen him? Cordelia: Yes, right before he escaped from the cops. [Lilah laughs] What's so witty? Lilah: Billy's touch work's differently on different men. Some lose their mind in an instant. Others, can take hours. Gee, I sure hope Angel isn't starting to feel testy. Cordelia: You better hope it. Lilah: I know. I've seen his dark side. Cordelia: You really haven't. [Lilah looks nervous] I have to find Billy. Lilah: And I'm going to help you why? Cordelia: You know that guy you hired to hack into my visions? What he did to me? You know what it felt like? I was cut, torn up, my face disfigured and burning with pain every second, not knowing if it was going to end or just get worse until I died. Lilah: So you think I owe you? Cordelia: It's not the pain. It's the helplessness. The certainty that there is nothing you can do to stop it. That your life can be thrown away in an instant by someone else. He doesn't care. He'll beat you down until you stay down, because he doesn't even think of you as alive. No woman should ever have to go through that, and no woman strong enough to hold the mantle of vicious bitch would ever put up with it. Where is Billy going? Cordelia: [to Billy] Actually, I'm feeling superior because I have an arrow aimed at your jugular. And the irony of using a phallic shaped weapon? Not lost on me. Wesley: Speaking of saliva, where is Cordelia? Fred: What do you mean 'speaking of saliva?' How does saliva make you... Wesley: It's a simple question.. where is Cordelia? [Angel stares at Cordelia, working up the nerve to confess his feelings for her.] Cordelia: Why are you looking at me like that? Angel: Uh . . . no reason. Cordelia: Okay. It's getting creepy now. Angel: I was just thinking about things. People. You know, how they relate. Take you and me, for instance. We're very different. Very different. Obviously. [points at Cordy] Human, [points at self] vampire. [points at Cordy] Woman, [points at self] man... pire. Cordelia: Has someone been putting vodka in your blood? Angel: [chuckles] See? You're funny! And I, well I get off a good one every once in a while, but you... Cordelia: Angel, are you trying to say you love me? Angel: W-What? Cordelia: I love you too. Angel: You do? When did this... Cordelia: [calling into Wesley's office] Angel loves me! I love him! Angel: Oh, my God! Cordelia: You guys love us and we love you! Wesley, Fred, Gunn: [offscreen, in chorus] We love you, Angel! Cordelia: They were all saying it earlier. Just in case this prophecy comes true and we all die. You're not gonna want a hug, are you? Angel: [chastened] No. Cordelia: Hey, what are friends for? Darla: If you ask me, they're for knocking you up and leaving you high and dry. [Angel spins around to see a very pregnant Darla standing on the top landing leading down into the lobby from outside.] Darla: Hello, lover. Long time no see. Fred: Who's Darla? Gunn: Angel's old flame, from way back. Fred: Not the one who died? Gunn: Yeah. No, not that one, the other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire. Fred: Do y'all have a chart or somethin'? Gunn: In the files. I'll get it for you later. Angel: This is impossible. Darla: Tell me about it, daddy! Cordelia: You slept with her? Angel: Vampires can't have children. Wesley? Wesley: Ah, no, he's right. It's not possible. Cordelia: That's not what I asked. Darla: You know we can't. I know we can't. But we did. Fred: I wonder if this might not be that bad thing we were expecting. Darla: What did you do to me? [She hits Angel across the face and he stumbles back against the weapons cabinet behind him.] Angel: Cordy that's Darla. Maybe you don't want to... Cordelia: Did you or did you not look me in the eye and say that you would *never* do a thing like this with her? Darla: Oh, he lied? What a surprise. [Fred carrying a glass of water] Fred: Hi. I'm Fred. Is water okay, or did you want some blood? [Darla takes the water as Wes gently pulls Fred back away from Darla.] Angel: Cordy. I'm sorry I lied. It was just...it was a very dark time. Cordelia: Oh! You used her to make you feel better during your dark time. Well, that makes it all heroic. Angel: It wasn't like that. It wasn't like I went evil or anything, I just... Cordelia: You just went male. [She brushes the hair out of Darla's face.] Have you been to a doctor? [Darla gives her a look] Darla: No. But I have been to every shaman and seer in the Western Hemisphere. Wesley: And what did they say? Darla: They don't know what it is. They don't know what it means. Nothing like this has ever happened. Angel: Maybe it's an hysterical pregnancy. Darla: You wanna feel it kick? Cordelia: Does it kick a lot? Darla: Like crazy. Angel: [talking about Darla] Where is she? Wesley: She got away. Gunn: We tried to stop her by hitting her fists and feet with our faces. [Darla pulls the stake out of her right palm and lets it drop as she walks towards Angel.] Darla: You *so* want to play the good guy, don't you? Yeah. You're the good guy who did *this* to me. [Hauls back and knocks Angel across the face, slamming him against one of the games.] Darla: You may have the face, but you don't know the hunger! It pounds! You can't make it go away! You can't stop it! Angel: I'll stop it! [He hauls back and hits Darla. The two of them fight. In the end Angel manages to grab Darla by the throat and push her up against the wall.] Darla: How could you put this in me? I hate you! [Darla hits him again, but Angel refuses to let go of her throat.] Darla: They breathe. They breathe and pound. I don't breathe, you idiot! You can't strangle me! [Darla laughs.] Angel: I'm not gonna strangle you. [Angel pulls her away and slams her back up against the wall, pulling out another stake.] Darla: Come on! Do it! [Angel hesitates] Do it! [Angel slowly lowers the stake and looks down at Darla's belly. We hear a heartbeat. Angel slowly steps back from Darla. Darla lunges, grabs a hold of Angel's jacket and shakes him.] Darla: Do it! Do it! Make it stop! [Angel gently restrains her, wrapping her tightly in his arms and pulling her up against his chest.] Angel: No it won't, Darla. Darla, listen to me. Darla: Make it stop! Make it stop. Angel: The child. The child has a heartbeat. It has a soul. [Darla flailing wildly] Darla: No! Not my child! No! Angel: Our child. Our child. Our child. That's why you've been craving purer and purer blood. That's why it's been driving you out of your mind. It has a soul. [Darla collapses against Angel's chest, sobbing] Darla: No, it doesn't. [Angel holds her] Angel: It does. Darla: It can't. Angel: Yes, it does. It does. [Darla starts groaning in pain after Cordelia punches her.] Cordelia: Oh, come on, tough girl. You're a vampire. A punch in the nose shouldn't hurt that much. Fred: Not "ow" her nose. She's having contractions! [Darla screams] [voicemail message] Woman's voice: Hi, you've reached the Tittles. We can't come to the phone right now. If you wanna leave a message for Christine, press one. Man's voice: For Bentley, press two. Demon's voice: Or to speak to or worship Master Tarfall, Underlord of pain, press three. Sahjhan: I'm not a man. - What I mean is... Holtz: You're not human. Sahjhan: But clearly masculine. You get that, right? [Angel is pushing Darla in a wheelchair through the hospital while she is having contractions] Angel: How you feeling? Darla:[irritated] I haven't had blood in almost a day and your devil spawn is trying to rip its way out of my body. How you think I'm doing? Linwood: Thank you for coming. And correct me if I'm wrong, but the role of a psychic is to be psychic. To predict the future, so that Wolfram and Hart doesn't find itself in this kind of predicament. Bald psychic: I can't apologize enough, sir. Linwood: You're right. You can't. [Laughs] But I'm not without compassion. I'm gonna give you a chance to save your job - and your skin. [Bald psychic smiles relieved, then frowns and leans in a bit closer to Linwood.] Bald psychic: No, you're not. You're gonna have me killed. Linwood: [Puts a hand on his shoulder.] Now, why couldn't you have had that kind of foresight when we needed it? [Someone puts a plastic bag over the bald guy's head from behind and pulls him away from Linwood.] Angel: What is it? Wesley: It's - it's human. Gunn: Human as is in humanoid? As in cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers? Wesley: No - human as in - a boy. Angel: Boy? Wesley: A boy. A boy. You're carrying a boy. Darla: Great. Angel: Gonna have a son. I'm gonna have a son. Fred: Guys. As fascinating as an ultra-sound image of an unborn child may appear... Angel: Me. A father. To a son. Fred: We're surrounded by vampires? Angel: No, it's a human bo... [He trails off as he looks away from the monitor for the first time and notices the vampires lining the teaching gallery above them and the back wall of the room.] Angel: Oh. We are surrounded by vampires. Cordelia: Hey, I'm all for being idolized, but what the hell is going on? Angel: What do you want? Vampire: To protect the miracle child. Angel: Protect? Ah, that's good. We're all here for the same thing. [The guy with the sword that Lilah called earlier suddenly jumps through one of the glass windows above, dressed like a ninja and holding the sword in front of him, screaming 'die!' The miracle child worshipping vampires jump on him en masse, and he goes down with a strangled scream. We hear a crunch and someone gulping down liquid.] Vampire: As it has been prophesied by our great potentate Ul-thar, we vow our lives to protect this special child. Angel: [aside to Darla] You hear that? Our kid. Special. Vampire: Now let us kill the humans so we may use their blood to nourish the mother and her miracle child. Darla: [smiling] Guess I'm getting dinner after all. Angel: Darla, you might wanna join the fight. Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right? Vampire: Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child. Darla: Okay. I'm in. [Fred holds the dagger against Darla's belly.] Fred: You freaks make one move and I'll slice the miracle kid into triplets. Cordelia: It's always the quiet ones. Vampire: Wait! Fred: [quietly to Darla] They don't know the knife can't hurt the baby. Darla: [smiling] They do now. Vampires have great hearing. [Darla is still in the back of the car. Wesley is sitting on the trunk facing Fred, standing behind the car. Gunn is sitting on the side of the passenger door. Cordelia starts the car.] Gunn: He said five minutes! Cordelia: It's been six and a half. Darla: It's so typical of him. Fred: It probably wouldn't hurt to wait another minute, right? I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen in another minute? [Darla lets out a blood-curdling scream.] Ask a stupid question... Wesley: Her water's broken. This is for real. There should be a blanket in the trunk. Cordelia: What are we gonna do? Deliver the kid right here? Shouldn't we go somewhere? Fred: What's keeping Angel? [Gunn gets the blanket out of the trunk and he and Wesley help a screaming Darla to lie down in the back seat while the camera pulls up to give us an overhead view of them.] Wesley: Now it's up to us to protect Angel's unborn child. Darla, we're trying to take you out of here. Relax. The trick is to breathe. Like this. [Wesley demonstrates short panting breaths] Wesley: Heh, heh, heh, hoh, hoh, hoh, heh, heh, heh... Darla: I... Don't... [sits up and sends Wesley, Cordelia, Gunn and Fred all flying backwards, away from the car and morphs into her vampface] Darla: Breathe! Gavin: [About Linwood] He's gonna crucify us. Lilah: They don't crucify here. It's too Christian. [Angel is still held motionless by the metal grips while Holts admires one of Angel's swords.] Angel: You're still human. How'd you manage this? [Holtz puts the sword back into the weapons cabinet.] Holtz: So, the question becomes, now that I have you, what's the best way to get her? Angel: Only dark magic could have brought you this far. Holtz: She was always the trick, you know, not you. Darla was the unpredictable one. Angel: Was it a demon? Or something else? [Holtz points a stake at Angel's chest.] Holtz: What if I just kill you now? Would she somehow sense it? Would she then come running? [Walks away from Angel] Would that bring her bursting through those doors, I wonder? Angel: Did something come to you, or did you seek it out? Holtz: She might show herself in the service of revenge. It can be a powerful motivator. Angel: Yes, it can. What did you have to give up for this second chance? Holtz: Give up? [Turns to face Angel] I had nothing to give up. You saw to that. Angel: We took a lot from you, that's true. But we didn't get everything. We couldn't take your soul. Holtz: What do you know of a soul? Angel: I know yours will be destroyed if you allow yourself to be used in the service of evil. You're a good man, Holtz. A righteous man. And you're being used for some purpose other than justice. Holtz: Could it be you really have changed? I don't remember you ever pleading so cravenly before. Angel: And I remember you used to work with men. [Holtz hits Angel hard across the face.] [Cordelia, Wesley, Fred, and Gunn all get into in the front of the convertible, leaving a very pregnant Darla alone in the back.] Darla: Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me? Cordelia: We're good. Gunn: Yeah, it's, comfy. Darla: I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car. Not while it's moving. Fred: It's not that we don't trust you. I mean, we don't trust you, but, the fact is, your water broke all over the back seat. Darla: Oh. Fred: That's the tragic beauty of a cosmic convergence. I- I mean, he just plays his own small part. He comes here looking for Angel and Darla, and in the process ends up finding Angel's unborn child. Who, as it turns out, wasn't evil at all as we feared, but was actually meant to be some sort of Messianic figure. But Holtz kills it before it's even born, and his vengeance somehow triggers the end of the world! [pause, off everyone's looks] Or not. It could go either way. Have you thought of a name yet? Sahjhan: See? This is why I didn't mention it. So Angel has a soul. Big whoop! So did Attila the Hun! Not to mention a heart as big as all outdoors when it came to gift giving. He is still a vampire! Angel, not Attila. [Darla is standing on top of a building looking over the city below, her hands cradling her pregnant belly.] Angel: You always did love a view. Darla: Look at it. Listen to it. Can you smell it? This world. This horrible world. Why would anyone want to bring a baby into it? Angel: To make it better, maybe? Darla: Or to destroy it finally. Angel: Why is it everyone insists on planning my son's future before he's even born? [Darla turns and walks past where Angel is standing.] Darla: Alright then, how's this? It doesn't have a future. Not with me. Angel: Darla... Darla: Angel, I can't have this baby. Angel: What? Darla: I can't let it out. I-I can't. Angel: Okay, not sure you have a lot of choice in the matter... Darla: Look, I know. It wants to come out. I can feel it. It's ready. It's just... I can't let it. I can't let because... because... Angel: You love it. Darla: Completely. I love it completely. I-I-I don't think I've ever loved anything as much as this life that's inside of me. Angel: Well, you've never *loved* anything, Darla. Darla: That's true. Four hundred years and I never did. Til now. Angel: Well, you-you'll do the only thing that you can do. You'll have it. You'll have it and then... Darla: What? We'll raise it? Angel: Why not? Darla: It's impossible. Angel: This whole thing is impossible, Darla, but it's happening. Darla: What do I have to offer a child, a human child, besides ugly death? Angel: Darla. Darla: You know it's true. Angel: No. What I do know is that you love this baby, our baby. You've bonded with it. You've spent nine months carrying it, nourishing it... Darla: No. No, I haven't been nourishing it. I haven't given this baby a thing. I'm dead. It's been nourishing me. These feelings that I'm having, they're not mine. They're coming from it. Angel: You don't know that. Darla: Of course I do! We both do. Angel, I don't have a soul. It does. And right now that soul is inside of me, but soon, it won't be and then... Angel: Darla... Darla: I won't be able to love it. I won't even be able to remember that I loved it. [Starts to cry] I want to remember. [Angel pulls her against him.] Angel: Shh... [Angel closes his eyes as he holds a crying Darla.] Lilah: What does it say about the birth? Translator: Well actually, it's funny. It doesn't. Lilah: What do you mean it doesn't? But you said it did. Translator: Yes, I did say it did. Lilah: But it doesn't. Translator: In a way. Lilah: I have a gun. Man: What are we going to do? Holtz: Whatever we have to. [Holtz walks over to Sarah and picks her up.] Sarah: Papa, no! Please, no, papa! Papa, don't. Let me go! [Holtz carries her over to the door and out onto the roofed porch.] Sarah: No, papa. Papa, don't! [Sarah tries to cling to one of the porch's pillars, but Holtz pulls her away and pushes her out into the bright sunlight of the front yard. She turns back to look up at him, morphing into vamp face as she burns up in the direct sunlight. Holtz stays and watches until she's gone then walks back into the house.] Angel: What's going on? Wesley: We're being attacked. Angel: Attacked? I thought you had double protection sanctorium spells? Lorne: I do, and they work. It's a thing with the door and the stairs and the world and a thing. Never mind! Gunn: Apparently you can be outside and chuck stuff in. Lorne: I just said that. Darla: That's why this is happening. [About Holtz] His family, his children... what that must have been like for him. Doesn't seem so funny now, does it? Angel: You're gonna be okay. Darla: No. Once he's gone, I won't be okay. I won't be okay at all. I don't know what I'll be. Angel... Our baby is gonna die right here in this alley. You died in an alley, remember? Angel: I remember. Darla: I wanna say I'm sorry. I wanna say it and mean it, but I can't. Aren't you gonna tell me it's okay? Angel: No. Darla: No? It's really not, is it? We did so many terrible things together. So much destruction, so much pain. We can't make up for any of it. You know that, don't you. Angel: Yeah. Darla: This child, Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together. [Angel lifts Darla's hand between both of his and pressed it against his lips.] Darla:The only good thing. [Angel buries his face in his hands, still holding onto Darla's, takes a sobbing breath.] Darla:The only good thing. You make sure to tell him that. [Darla stakes herself, and her body crumbles into dust, leaving the crying newborn alive on the alley ground.] Sahjhan: Do it! Now's your chance. Do it! Finish it while you still can! You can't just let him walk away! Not now! Not after what you swore to me! [Holtz watches as Fred and Angel get into the car with the newborn.] Holtz: I swore that I would show no mercy. [Watches Angel's car drive away.] And I won't. Lilah: Dusted during childbirth is more like it. According to our sources she staked herself, leaving the baby alive and kicking but never actually born. MacDuff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped. [Walks towards the screen as we can hear the baby gurgle.] Linwood: That's a cute little baby. Yes, you are. And your daddy is a vampire with a soul. And sometimes he reverts to a creature of pure, malevolent evil, who could rip your tiny throat out. Yes, he does. [Chuckles] I like kids. The Senior Partners took mine before I really got to know them. Turn it up. [Lilah pushes a button on the remote and the room fills with a baby's cries.] Linwood: Turn it down. [Lilah does as Linwood walks out.] Lilah: Everything's in there? Gwen: Right down to the baby that wasn't supposed to be born. Lilah: How do you know about that? Gwen: I'm Files and Records. It's my job. Lilah: Great. [Hefts the file and turns to go] I'll be back when I'm... Gwen: Ah, Miss Morgan, there aren't any documents in there, you know. That's just the reference key to the full file. Lilah: The reference key. So - where is the full file? [Gwen flips a switch and a whole section of file cabinets is illuminated.] Gwen: The key is only helpful in locating which section of the file you'd like to look at. Lilah: [flabbergasted] That whole thing is Angel's file? Gwen: Just the first 35 cabinets. Lilah: Right. Does China Palace deliver down here? Gunn: [preparing for the assault] What are you doing? Wesley: Trying to imagine myself as John Wayne in Rio Bravo. You? Gunn: Austin Stoker. Assault on Precinct 13. [they high five] Cordelia: If we live through this, trade in the DVD players and get a life. [Angel walks into the office, walks up to Linwood, slices him across the cheek, and pushes him facedown against the table.] Angel: My son has a tiny scratch on his cheek, and now, by extraordinary coincidence so do you. I'm holding you personally responsible for anything that happens to him whether it's your fault or not. Cold, sunburn, scratched knee, whatever happens to him, happens to you, and then some. [He pulls Linwood back up, pushes him back into his chair and leans over him.] For not only are you not coming after him, you gonna make sure that he lives a long, healthy life. You just became his godfather, understand? Linwood: I believe I do. [Guards come in, in response to the alarm.] Guard: Sir? Linwood: It's all right. [Angel starts to leave but turns back around before he reaches the door.] Angel: Oh, and one more thing. College fund? Start saving. I got my heart set on Notre Dame. Doctor: I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy. Cordelia: Oh, great. But I'm not the mother. Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry. [turns to Fred] I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy. Fred: Oh. Me neither. Wesley: I'm afraid the mother is, ah, no longer in the picture. Doctor: I see. Well, his height and weight are in the ninetieth percentile. We gave him his vitamin K and his PKU and he's doing very well. We don't seem to have his - what's his name? Angel: [arriving] Connor. His name is Connor. Doctor: Connor. Thank you. Mr. [looks at the papers] Angel. And congratulations. Angel: Thanks. Wesley: Connor. That's a lovely name. I don't suppose you ever considered Wesley? Fred, Angel and Gunn: No. [Wesley shrugs] Cordelia: You're - you're - death? You've come to take me. Skip: [bursts out laughing] Kidding. [Offers hand] I'm Skip. [She doesn't shake it] You're Cordelia Chase, right? [Cordelia nods slightly] Sorry it took me so long, I... [indicates her body] this you? Most people go astral, their spiritual shapes tend to be an idealized version of themselves. You know, straighten the nose, lose the gray, sort of a self-esteem kind of thing. You're pretty confident, aren't ya? Cordelia: Is this...? This is a Mall. Skip: We just figured you'd be more comfortable here. Cordelia: We? Skip: The Powers That Be. Cordelia: The Powers That Be popped me out of my body and sent me to a Mall? Skip: Actually, this is more a construct of a Mall. You know, like in "The Matrix". Cordelia: You've seen "The Matrix"? Skip: Oh, love that flick. When Trinity is all 'dodge this' and the agent just crumples to the [Cordelia sighs] and I'm not really instilling any awe anymore, am I? Skip: Inside every living thing there is a connection to the Powers That Be. Call it instinct, intuition. Deep down we all know our purpose in this world. Cordelia: Are you saying that, I was meant to be an actress? Skip: No. I'm saying you were meant to be an incredibly famous and wealthy actress. And the Powers That Be can make that happen. Cordelia: I want something. Hypo-something. Hypothermia? Nev: [to phone] Josh, lets get a large tub of ice water to Miss Chase's dressing room, pronto. Cordelia: [to herself] No, that's not it. Nev: Cancelling ice water. Cordelia: Hyper... hyperbaric? Nev: Josh, make it an oxygen tent. Cordelia: [to herself] No, that's not it either. Nev: Canceling tent. Cordelia: [spins to Nev] Hyperion! That's it! Nev: The hotel. Cordelia: Yes. I wanna go there. Skip: We've been over this. I respect what you're trying to do. It's noble and heroic and all that other Russell Crowe "Gladiator" crap. Cordelia: You've seen - Skip: Didn't love it. Wesley: [watching Fred with Connor] Adorable. Gunn: So sweet. Wesley: I meant the baby. Gunn: I meant the hot mama. Angel: We can't afford any more mistakes. Making mistakes costs money and making money right now - it's our number one priority. [Lorne enters] Hey, Lorne. Lorne: Uh, if this is about the baby formula I snagged from the fridge last night - sorry. I was feeling a little peckish and it was that or a glass of pig's blood. By the way, baby formula and Kaluha? Not as bad as it sounds. Angel: Lorne, I need you to use your contacts and find out what Holtz is up to. He's out there somewhere, and we can never forget that. Finding him is our number one priority. Gunn: I thought you said... Angel: Finding Holtz and making money are our two number one priorities. [Cordelia walks by and clears her throat] Angel: Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are our three number one priorities. Wesley: [about his web articles on DNA Fusion Comparisons and Tri-ped Demon Populations] It's an exciting arena. Lorne: But one I'm sure we can all download at: I'll-never-know-the-love-of-a-woman-dot-com. Can we get down to business? Angel: Guys, can I say something? Money's important [pauses] but it isn't everything. I got... I got carried away. [looks over at the pile of money] I just never had a life that was totally dependent on me before. But that's no excuse. [looks at the money again] Where was I? Cordelia: Money's not the most important... Angel: No, it's not. What's important is family ... and the mission. Cordelia: [after a long pause and looking at the money] They tried to cut Fred's head off. We earned every penny. Angel: Hold the baby. [Everyone begins grabbing money furiously.] Angel: Ask me why I'm smiling. Cordelia: I will because it's scaring me. Angel:I saw their production of "Giselle" in 1890. I cried like a baby. And I was evil! [Angel has bought tickets to a ballet instead of a rock concert.] Gunn: No, this is not Mata Hari. This is tutus and guys with their big-ass packages jumping up and down! This is just — I will never trust you again. The trust is gone. Cordelia: Oh, get over it. Do we get dressed up? Angel: Of course. Cordelia: I'm in. Angel: Guys, seeing the ballet live, it's... it's like another world. Gunn, these guys are tight, and you're going to be tripping out. Gunn: Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust. Fred: We have to find a dress for you. Something that'll make Angel go crazy. Cordelia: Fred, sweetie, Angel is crazy. Lorne: Oh, relax, crumb cake. Man, little Connor burps like a champ. Angel: At least he's sleeping. Lorne: Who wouldn't? With that sweet Irish lullaby you crooned. Just a hair flat on the bridge, but - more to the point - Cordelia? Angel: What about her? Lorne: I read you while you were singing, you big corn muffin, and uh, can't say as I blame. I mean, what a woman she's become. Angel: You're not supposed to be reading me. Anyway, you read me wrong. Lorne: Sorry, strudel. It's not just when you're singing. We got a little term back in Pylea. Kyrumption? Angel: I know it. Lorne: Okay. When two great heroes come together- Angel: There will be no coming together, okay? Everything we've been through together and all anybody wants to talk about is... Lorne: Can't fight Kyrumption, cinnamon buns. It's fate. It's the stars. Kyrumption is... Angel: Stop saying that. And stop calling me pastries. Gunn: You got to promise not to laugh. Fred: I promise. Gunn: It's gotta come from the heart. Fred: Will you stop being such a little girl? I said, I promise. [Gunn steps out into Fred's view and spreads his arms so she can get a look at his tux, not looking at her. Fred's eyes go wide. After a moment she bursts out laughing.] Gunn: This is what your promises are worth? I'm having a lot of trust issues at this time in my life. Angel: Back in the day, I'd always get box seats. Or, you know, eat the people who had them. Gunn: I say it once, and gloat all you want: these guys are tight, and I am trippin' out! [A security guard is blocking the only way backstage at the ballet.] Cordelia: You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice while you slip by? Angel: Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful girl I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam. Cordelia: What did you just call me? Angel: I'm sorry. You're not stupid. Cordelia: No. After that. Angel: I think I'll just have to go with my patented sudden burst of violence. Cordelia: Hey, hold on. I think I might have an approach that is a little more subtle. [A smiling Cordelia approaches the guard.] Cordelia: Hey! Do you like bribes? Guard: Do I ever. [Cordelia holds up a $20.] Cordelia: Well, we really want to go backstage. Guard: Yeah, okay, but this isn't so much a bribe as it is a tip, and since I'm not parking your car, there's really no way-- [Angel punches guard in the face.] Angel: Okay, that's how we do it. Lorne: [singing] Go to sleep, lullaby, you've been fed and you're sleepy. You'll be with uncle Lorne, who in no way resents not being asked to go to the ballet. And is certainly, not thinking, of selling you to the first vampire cult that makes him a decent offer... Angel: I remember him being taller. Lorne: A trick of the light. They don't actually get smaller until they're very, very old. Angel: I didn't mean the baby. Lorne: I know you didn't. Angel: I meant the Groosalug. Lorne: I know you did. Angel: Did he seem, ah, - I don't know - short? Lorne: Oh, absolutely. Clearly the guy shrank - all over, probably. Why, he's nothing but a muscley midget. I'm sure once Cordelia gets him home, she'll just pop him into a smallish drawer, and that will be that. Wesley: Why can't you have sex? Cordelia: Because I could lose my virginity. Wesley: If you want to play it that way.. Cordelia: VISIONity. The visions. In Pylea the visions were supposed to pass on to Groo if we ever did the royal "com-shuk". How do I know that won't happen here? Angel: Good point. You really don't. Wesley: But your recent transformation could have changed all that. It might be possible... [Angel kicks the table to interrupt] Angel: Still, you know. Better safe than sorry. You're doing the right thing. Cordelia: I know. I know. I can't risk it. It's just.. I'm so.. And he's such a.. Don't you think? [Angel and Wesley start to agree reluctantly] Cordelia: I mean there's got to be other things we could do to relieve the tension. Angel: Jogging could be a thing. Wesley: Or perhaps there's some form of paranormal prophylactic... Angel: Cause you know, jogging... Cordelia: I guess we could probably "com" without actually "shuk"ing. Angel: Well, I don't know. That could be a slippery slope that.. Once you're on that.. That you could.. Slide.. Groosalugg: [upon hearing Angel's cellphone] Angel, your coat is singing. Wesley: When you knew it was more than just a tryst you should have told me. Gunn: It happened so fast. The thing just grabbed the guy and he was gone. Wesley: That's.. That's not what I meant. Gunn: Oh. You mean.. Well. I'm not so sure that's any of your business. Wesley: No, you're probably right. Still, she could get hurt. I trust that won't happen. Gunn: What are you, her brother? Wesley: Apparently.. Gunn: Wesley, I... Wesley: She chose. It's just important to me that she's taken care of. Gunn: I wanna know how he does it. No last name, no bank account. How are you ordering stuff off the web? Fred: It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is hack into the shipping database, find someone who is ordering what you want, then substitute your information. Except that would just be high-tech robbery. Angel: I memorized Cordelia's credit card numbers. Fred: Oh. Low-tech robbery. [Angel has just bought some mini-Hockey sticks for him and Connor to use when Connor is older] Angel: Hockey is just a great sport, greatest sport known to man! Gunn: Dude, Hockey is the WHITEST sport known to man. Angel: That's as may be, but the games are indoors and usually at night. Gunn: Oh perfect for you then. [Wesley asks Angel something to which Angel responds whilst Gunn dribbles the Puck about a bit then shoots at the gap under the weapons cabinet] Gunn: He shoots...HE SCORES! Angel: Yeah with no defender... [Angel and Gunn start having a mini-game, where Angel robs Gunn of the puck, shoots and badly misses, breaking the window] Angel: [embarrassed] Yeah well...they're not even regulation size... Sahjhan: That's it? No 'wow, how did he do that?' No screaming in terror? You twenty first century types are so jaded. Lilah: You're Sahjhan, aren't you? I may be jaded, but I do my homework. And there's a girl downstairs, she's got records on everything that ever happened. My company rocks. Holtz: Angelus is in his nature. The beast will re-emerge, you've seen it, you know it and that is why you are here. You're afraid he is going to kill the child.. and you're right. Wesley: Your infiltration was more successful than I'd realised. Holtz: I don't need prophecies to tell me what he's playing. So long as the child remains with the demon, it's not safe. Wesley: Well I must have misunderstood. Here I thought it was a simple blood vendetta when what you really want is to protect Angel's son. Holtz: You don't believe me? Wesley: Hmmm, not sure really. It could be the low scary voice that's giving me trouble. Wesley: I didn't sleep very well. Angel: Yeah, and you look like hell. Not the fun one where they burn you with hot pokers for all eternity, but the hard core one. You know, Nixon and Britney Spears. Lilah: Like a cat. Can't hear you. But I'm starting to feel you when you're near. Isn't that nice and creepy? How did you find me? Angel: Your assistant. Lilah: I'll have his arms broken. Angel: Already taken care of. Sahjhan: You back-stabbing, traitorous bitch. I have a lot of work to do. I can't be in every time/space at
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