@Larkenspur: "Hi, me again...Liz
I'm sorry to see so many people struggling so much, escpecially when
recovery is possible and closer than you think.
You know, i've found that the best way to get well is to WANT to get
well.  I struggled for years with BPD, feeling sorry for myself because
I "couldn't" get well, when fact was, I was terrified to get well.  If I
wasn't this sick, pathetic, depressed psycho, then who was I?  I didn't
know how to be anything else. 
All my life I grew up, not as myself, but as everyone else expected me
to be.  I never had the chance to form my own identity.....so I grew up
without one......sure i was a person, my favorite color was green, i had
some friends, did ok in school, but while everyone else "knew" who i
was, I did not.  I had all this hurt inside, confusion, fear, that I
never learned how to deal with and my identity WAS the hurt, confusion,
fear.  And I figured, that's all I know so that's all I am, and there's
finally a name for it, this disease with no cure.  For all intents and
purposes I am a loony toon who needs medication and psychiatric help.
Damn, there goes my future.....now what's the point?
I realized though, after numerous suicide attempts, self-sabotage,
wasted friends, family members and years, that this was all really
stupid.  I was sick of being sick.  Sick of being in hospitals, of
staring at the razorblades and pill bottles, of staring at the cuts all
over my body that I thought some how would ease my pains.  I was fed up,
done, finito!  No more of this.
I sat and thaught for a while and realized what the problem was. (Being
that I didn't know anything else to be but sick) And so I started over
from the beginning.
What has helped me is to re-acquaint myself with....well, myself.  
Who am I?
What do I love?
What can I do well?
What do I suck at?
What single action gives me the most peace and/or satisfaction?
What is my ultimate goal in life?
Why haven't I reached it yet?
If I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go?
Without once mentioning my "disease".  We tend to let our diagnosis
define who we are and the point is to get away from the diagnosis,
right?
I've done this, and it has honestly put me back in touch with the real
me.  The me that is passionate about things.  Albeit, it's no magickal
pill, but I realized that BPD is a choice, a circumstance, not a genetic
disease.  If you want to be well you can be well, all you have to do is
start over.  Hit the reset button on your life. (to use a video game
analogy)
Here's what I did.
I made the above list and answered all of the questions. (Honestly, come
on, no drama)
I tried lots of new foods to rediscover what I liked and disliked (and
why).
I forced myself to go outside and run errands and smile or say "hello"
to at least one person everyday.
I installed another deadbolt lock on my door and came up with a valid
escape plan in case of fire, disaster etc, o ease my paranoia and
anxiety. (sometimes it's as easy as carrying pepper spray or taking tae
kwon do classes)
I began a morning ritual (or evening ritual) of time alone to relax and
enjoy the moment with coffee, tea (gourmet, you have to treat yourself
sometimes) and maybe a couple of cookies.
I took up a hobby (sewing, writing, painting).....no one ever said you
have to be good at it haha.
And I also found an exterior support network.  They need not know what
my mental health problems areor were, only that I want to be a friend
and can be a friend.
Reinvent yourself.....honestly....be reborn from the ashes as it were.
Leave your tattered life behind and grow a new one.  Be like a snake,
shedding your skin. Your old problems will still be there, but now you
can work through them with a new lightness.  If you could change
anything about your past, anything that you wanted to say or do,
anything that you regret doing etc, now is the time to fix it.  
You don't have to forgive and forget (some things are just too big)
everything, but you should clear out all of that old baggage.  Apologize
to those you feel guilty for hurting, forgive those (if you can) who
have hurt you, and start it all over.
This life we've become accustomed to, this existance of regret, anxiety,
hurt and searing emotional pain?  It's all recyclable, it's all
fleeting.  The only thing from keeping you from being well is you. You
are the catalyst, not some doctor, not some pill.  Commit to be well,
long to be well, rediscover yourself and your worth and value you've
been hiding away......and you CAN be well.
Having been plagued with BPD I know the pain and hurt and despair.  You
just need to cut it off at the source and start anew.  Cut down the
thornbush and plant some sunflowers.  Take control, otherwise you WILL
be doomed to suffer the wrath of BPD.
Also, you really should make it a point to SUPPORT others in your
position.  I see *some* support going on online and in face-to-face
therapy groups, but mostly I see it as a forum for everyone to spill
their sorrows onto the floor and let them fester.  What *should* be
going on is constructive conversation on both sides. Ex.
Oh my god i'm so depressed today, i have been losing and dropping
everything. I can't seem to do anything right.  I feel so worthless.
Why do I even bother getting up in the morning.?
The correct SUPPORTIVE response is NOT:
Yeah i have days like that too.  This is what happened to me.......blah
blah blah, i'm so stupid and worthless, even stupider and more worthless
than you are.....blah blah blah....
The correct SUPPORTIVE response is something like:
Yeah, I know how you feel.  Sometimes it's so hard to keep going, but
you know what?  There's always tomorrow.  And do you know what might
help with your losing things?  Maybe a basket on the table by the door
or a key hook so everything is right there where you need it.  I
remember one time i lost my keys and i searched for what seemed like
hours!  I was losing it, running around the house like a madwoman and
guess where they were?  STILL IN THE DOOR! HAHA!
You get the gist anyway.
The point is to reassure the person (genuinely) that bad stuff happens
but it's not the end of the world, and that no matter how crappy things
are, they can get better too.  Optimism is supportive......cynicism is
not.  No one feels comforted in a place where negativity reigns
supreme......escpecially BPD's.  If they can see no light, there IS no
light.
I hate to see people so depressed and worn, so please take it from
someone who has successfully recovered from a diagnosis of Borderline
Personality Disorder using no medication, no professional therapists,
with little risidual symptoms. (I still have something of a temper to
control and a smidge of anxiety sometimes)  You know what the core
problems are and you know how to fix them.
At some point you just have to decide enough is enough and you're
reclaiming your life.....I did.
If anyone ever needs or wants to talk I'm always here, just email me
anytime.  : )
Liz"
    @cogge: "Its always up and down.  I struggle with this tightrope that I am always
walking of cramming so much activity into my life I don't have time to feel
depressed, but as soon as I have a moments rest, I wonder why I bother,
because nobody cares and I could be wiped off the face of the earth with so
little impact on anyone else yada yada yadaI keep thinking someday, maybe
I will be "cured", but thus far I have only managed to be this total "type
A" person, doing too much and wearing every nerve raw as a distraction.  At
the moment, I am playing therapist to my brother who is always in
crisis/near psychotic mode because he refuses to take the meds that will
help him be functional, as though it shows some kind of fortitude to be
psychotic (he was telling me today that he thought of driving down to Mexico
and just causing as much destruction on the way as possible including
hurting or killing people) I am struggling with the fragile rebuilding of my
marriage after 15 years of lies and deception, my oldest daughter is
stuggling with a neurological disorder of some sort which may be epilepsy.
I have been struggling with a kidney/bladder issue for which I had a biopsy
last week.  It came back negative, but now they are sending me off to
Seattle to a big expensive hospital for more tests. (more $$$)  I am looking
at probably having $10,000+  in medical bills, of which my percentage will
still probably amount to way in the thousands.  My job is so filled with
politics and strife and I am in the midst of it all, in a small town where
one wrong move and everyone knows about it and you are impacted forever.
Add to it the everyday stress of wishing I had a real friendnot just a
hundred aquaintances, and wishing I could enjoy my kids through the summer,
rather than have their constant bickering drive me crazy.  I plug along.
All this is in my head and inside me, but I run the race to win the
prizethus far, I assume that the prize will be some form of sanity.  I
liked your post, and I didn't find it at all condescending, but it is true,
that when people are feeling really negative, they don't really want true
help, they just want to bitcher, I mean vent.  My brother called me tonite
and I talked to him for almost 2 hours because he is in a crisis, and I
probably said 2 words.  He sounded like he was asking for advice or
something but I mostly just listened to him rant and raveand I bit my
tongue when I had the urge to comment.  At the end, he said he felt better
for the opportunity to vent and he was glad I didn't try to "fix" anything,
because he mostly just needed someone to listen to.
Its good that you are here.
cogge
news:<email_address>
<quote>"
    @Larkenspur: "Hi
Thanks...I think.
Actually, I put Diana's name right in the title because I wanted to
bring it to her attention that there is still hope, since she's having
such a horrible time.
There IS NO easy way to get your point accross to someone with BPD, so
it usually becomes neccessary to stop walking on the eggshells and
scream out to get their attention.  I didn't try to be condescending,
only said what I think "I" would have needed to hear if someone had been
kind enough to offer the information. (Need and want are 2 very
different things, mind you)
The point of the post was to get others to understand that it IS NOT a
losing battle to go up against your BPD.  But you have to understand
that you need to be VERY firm about these things.  BPD's have a tendancy
to cling on to their "disease", because oddly enough, as painful and
desperate as the situation is, it feels safe.  Why would you want to
lose your identity (that you know) and disrobe it for a future that is
foreign and quite uncertain?  WANT is a relative term.  I was terrified
to let go of the last 22 years of my life to be something else, even as
much as I wanted the pain to go away.  I had to get to a place where I
wanted and was WILLING to let it all go.  
I was not saying that obviously if you're not well you don't even want
to be well.....I meant that if you want to get well, you have to want it
so completely that you let your inhibitions melt away.  I wanted to get
well, but I didn't want to give up my security for it.....so I didn't
want it enough.  I have been told since my diagnosis that BPD is an
incurable disease, no amount of medication, therapy or anything would
help be to become a fully functioning adult in society, so the thought
of making that leap of faith was terrifying, but I did it, and I made
it, and others need to know that even as terrifying as it may seem, as
pointless as it may seem to "risk it all" to fight this thing, it can be
done, has been done, and there is hope.  
You have to understand that people with this disorder have usually been
coping with this pain all their lives and there is never any relief.
They don't need promises of another magic pill, another wonderful
therapy technique, these promises are always broken. 
They need REAL TANGIBLE proof that it can be beaten and they need it
spelled out exactly what to do, just like I did.  This isn't a situation
like having a cold or flu where if you just drink plently of liquids you
can get better and if you don't you'll stay sick.
This is massively complicated, stemming from lifetimes of trauma and
pain, so i'm sorry if I don't have a nice, clean, resolution for
everyone.  This is uncharted ground we're treading on.  Recovery is
supposed to be impossible for us......I'm living proof that it's
possible.....all you have to do is want it.  And if they're willing to
cast off the security blanket of this disorder and they want to create a
new person, they can.  It's just that perviously, people learned to not
want to be well, that they're just setting themselves up for
disappointment, now they just want to make it stop, there's a reason why
BPD's make up the highest rate of suicides out of all.  They have no
hope, they're not "allowed" to have hope, they're not allowed to get
well, they think it's impossible.  I'm here to shake it up, show the
world that BPD's CAN and DO and WILL recover and go on to be normal,
fuctioning members of society.
The aesthetics of my post are not important, i'm not a speechwriter or
motivational speaker, or a politician, i'm a recovered BPD, and that's
all that matters. If someone doesn't want to read my whole post that's
fine, it's not my problem and it's not yours either.  Whatever will be
will be and there's nothing you or I can say or do that is going to
control anyone else.
The BPD's of the world don't need a champion or a "great defender", all
they need is the truth.....
so please don't analyze me.  I made a statement of truth and whoever
wants can take it or leave it, it's up to them.  
I'm not a doctor, expert, or psychiatrist, I don't have a method or a 12
step program (I did, however, list the steps that I personally took to
get well in my last post), I am simply a recovered BPD patient, living a
normal, healthy life, trying to offer help to others where I can.
I'm not the messiah, and I'm not trying to be, I just want others to
know that there is very real hope of recovery.
Take me or leave me, but don't accuse me of belittling or patronizing
these people.  I was BPD most of my life and I know the pain.  I'm not
on the outside looking in, i'm standing in the doorway trying to lead
people out.
Like I said, take it or leave it.
Liz"
    @Larkenspur: "Hi cogge
I'm sorry you have so much outside trouble going on beyond your
emotional stuff.  I'm sure it must be difficult to deal with so much
going on, each thing seemingly more disasterous than the last.  I hope
things iron out at least relatively smoothly.
It helps sometimes to concentrate on some positives.  I know when I
surround myself (or at least don't break away from) so much negativity
it tends to rub off on me and I'm worse for the wear.  It's nice that
you want to help your brother, but please try to be careful not to add
his burdon to your own.  I'm sure your baggage is heavy enough.
Sometimes when we care so much about people, we tend to share the
load....it never gets any lighter from one person to the next, only
grows.  : (  I have a really bad habit of doing that, myself.  There
must be something in your life that gives you solace.  My personal
"savior" is my Caramel Creme coffee that I drink every morning, along
with my daily chapter of my latest historical romance novel, out on the
porch before anyone else wakes up.  : )  Nothing says "Good morning"
like Raul's rippling, well-tanned, shirtless chest heaving in
the......oh! LOL  *blush*
A little *me* time can be not only a great distraction from the stress
of life, but also very theraputic in it's own right.  
My mom is one of those "I can't hurt if i'm busy" kind of people.  So
she dashes from place to place, commitment to commitment, and then when
she stops she crashes hard.  I finally convinced her to lay off the
commitments for a while and she's slowed way down and tells me she's
feeling alot better.  She hadn't mourned for my uncle in 5 months, and
now she's grieving, which is important......have you begun grieving for
your marriage yet?  I may be totally nosey, and i'm sorry, but such a
long commitment on your part may really need closure...
Anyway, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now.  Remember to
take care of yourself, first, or you won't be able to take care of
anyone else.  : )
Take care
Liz"
    @Larkenspur: "What do you mean I'm not "as cured" as I seem to think?  For pete's
sake.
I'm well, healthy, happy.
And as for me "acting" like no one else understands BPD, some people
don't know anything but what the doctors and pharmacists tell them. I
didn't.
I'm just trying to help and give people hope....what are you doing?
You're being cynical and counter-productive, and if nothing else,
overly-sensitive and antogonistic.  These people can think for
themselves.  If they want to take my advice, they can, if they don't,
they won't and the same goes for you.
You don't need to get all high and mighty and trample me.  At least i'm
doing something, what are you doing but second guessing everything i say
and do?
Come on, are you LOOKING for a fight or what? Did you even read one word
I wrote?  Because you're taking everything very literally and way out of
context.
Sheeze
Liz"
    @Larkenspur: "Ps   
I'm not going to have this argument with you.  You either like what I
say or you don't, and that's fine, but i'm not hurting anyone and it's
pointless to sit and argue about something that we're obviously never
going to agree on.  So ignore my posts if you don't like them, ok?  You
for yours and me for mine suits me just fine.  So don't worry yourself
about it.  : )
I hope you do well with your recovery and wish you nothing but the best.  
Take care
Liz"
    @cogge: ""> It helps sometimes to concentrate on some positives.  I know when I
<quote>
I have found that to be very true. I used to sell Mary Kay, and though I
have never been a huge make-up wearer, their emphasis on the positive (which
all MLM companies do) was very helpful.
 It's nice that
Its hard, because he is very maddening.  He is schizotypal PD and bipolar,
but I think he is lucky that I got him a job with someone I know, because I
don't think he would pass an interview even still.  He is constantly
paranoid and he presents as very oddhe has a doofy grin on his face all
the time and he has this nervous laugh that makes him always seem either
high or up to something.  He sees everyone as always having alterior
motivesesp. anyone in authority.  He believes that he can read people so
well, he knows exactly what they are thinking and usually its that everyone
is unable to handle him  (he has this odd mix of paranoia and narcissism,
but I don't think its really narcissism but more like ideas/delusions of
reference)  He really needs some kind of anti-psychotic, but he insists it
will do weird things to him.  He has always been willing to do coke, crank,
meth, pot, lsd, pcp, acid, and many things I have never even heard of, but a
prescription drug which is prescribed by a doctor?  No way!
that sounds about right.....
I finally convinced her to lay off the
how'd you do that?  How'd *she* do that?
 ..have you begun grieving for
I don't know... It was this time last year that things hit rock bottom, and
thing weigh heavily on my mind.  We have gotten past the part where he tries
really hard to prove that he is going to be good, so I often wonder what he
is doing.  To my knowlege, I don't think he is doing anything, but he is
more careless about his timehe will come home 40 minutes late w/o thinking
and I wonder if he was off at the spank shop starting all over again.
I've always been a fixer.  I feel guilty when I do things that are "looking
out for number 1" because I hate selfishness in other people, and I hate to
feel like a hypocrite.  All the people in my life who have ever hurt me
badly have been extremely selfish, and so I have always strived t be as
opposite them as possible.
Its good to have you here.
cogge"
    @cogge: "btw,
Diana is not dxed with BPD.  She has agorophobia and I think there has been
speculation about schizotypal PD and avoidant PD.  I can see why you might
assume BPD thoughand in fact most of the people in here have usually
either had BPD themselves or had a loved one with that.  the scizotypal PD
people actually have their own ng, so they aren't as likely to come in here.
I am glad to hear that you don't buy into the argument that BPD is "an
incurable disease"people can make choices.  Sometimes it is just very hard
and it takes a very long time.
cogge"
    @cogge: ""shadowscribe" <email_address>
penumbral??  there's a word I haven't heard of!  You are the only person I
know who comes up with so many words I don't know.  I am actually glad,
because people have always thought I was weird for having a better
vocabulary than average.  How ya been?
cogge"
    @cogge: "you didn't even comment on all my cute jokes I posted whilst I was trying to
keep things afloat.....
cogge
news:HRdNc.14619$<email_address>
<quote>"
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