@ninaNOSPAM: "I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely. 
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing things.  But as
soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's literally like that, like a
sandcastle being hit by waves, first a little gradual erosion, and
then everything falls in on itself.  And I just sit and cry and cry,
floods and floods of tears, endlessly.  Then I stop and work some
more.  It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that nothing seems
to touch, at least not for long.  
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've been severely
depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal, at least in an ideation
sense.  And I'm not now, barryphilip@example.org.  But I can't bear the painfulness
of this; it's just hurts so much and without end.  I'm afraid to go to
sleep, because it only makes it worse.  I wake up lost and anxious,
and everything feels wrong.  I can make it almost right for a while,
if I distract myself enough, but as soon as I stop... there I am
again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to.  No cause, nothing
that's different in my life, just a continuation of it all... and I
find the inertia hard to bear, but there are real signs of change,
real possibilities that I see, not so far away.  Things will get
better; I know that.  There's no cause for this... no trigger, not
that I can find, anyway.  
I don't know why I even write this.  There aren't any answers.  I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it.  There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted.  And I don't
know what to do.  It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer." 
-Albert Camus"
    @waitingforgodot: "On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina
<quote>
The only thing that comes to my mind is, have your doctor give
you a physical to see if there's anything organic wrong with you.
I was exhausted and demoralized all last winter, and it turned
out to have more to do with the ulcer & anemia than with the
clinical depression.
(((Nina)))
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada"
    @yuluwirri: "x-no-archive: yes
Nina, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. :(
I'm here listening and my email is always open to you. I hope things
right themselves very soon. It's an awful place to be in.
(((((((((((((((((Nina)))))))))))))))))
On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina <email_address>
wrote:
<quote>
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
<email_address>"
    @later: "On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina <email_address>
wrote:
<quote>
me too.  but thats all i can read.  sorry.
(((((((((((((((((nina))))))))))))))))))))))"
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