Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day. * * * * * MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED "Tedious as a twice-told tale, Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man." _King John._ Act III., Sc. 4.] * * * * * MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA OR THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LITERARY, ARTISTIC AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE [Illustration] AS PICTURED BY PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, DUDLEY HARDY, FRED PEGRAM, F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, H. M. BROCK, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, HARRY FURNISS, A. WALLIS MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, AND OTHERS _156 ILLUSTRATIONS_ PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. * * * * * THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR _Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN [Illustration] * * * * * THE WAY TO BOHEMIA [Illustration] Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away, and that land of unconventional life--which had finally grown conventional in its characteristics--has now become "a sphere of influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our actors. In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted laughter and the free-and-easy manner of living. We shall follow him chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old and new. Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings. [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration] MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA THE INVALID AUTHOR.--_Wife._ "Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who gave it her?" _Husband._ "_I_ did, my dear." _Wife._ "What book is it?" _Husband._ "It's my last." _Wife._ "Darling! When you _knew_ how important it is that _she shouldn't go to sleep_!" * * * * * A BOOKWORM'S OBSERVATION.--When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the appendix of life. * * * * * TABLE OF CONTENTS.--The dinner table. * * * * * [Illustration: THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY I. "All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come round to your stoodio, sir." II. "Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"] * * * * * PUNCH'S PROVERBS Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one. The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it. If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving. The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes. Three removes are better than a dessert. Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad. Bacon without liver is food for the mind. Forty winks or five million is one sleep. You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee. Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister. What is done cannot be underdone. You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail. Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime. No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head. An upright judge for a downright rogue. Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby. Look before you sit. Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe. Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age. Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real. There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug. The loosest fish that drinks is tight. Education won't polish boots. Experience is the mother of gumption. Half-a-crown is better than no bribe. Utopia hath no law. There is no cruelty in whipping cream. Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian. He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease. Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's. * * * * * THE BEST TEXT-BOOK FOR PUGILISTS.--Knox on anatomy. * * * * * ACROBATS' TIPPLE.--Champagne in tumblers. * * * * * [Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_Fond Mother._ "I _do_ wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR SMOKING CONCERT _Irate Member._ "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"] * * * * * EDITORS ["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they marry--just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and its merry ways."--_Round About_.] To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes an expert to tell the difference. When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason people never confess that they have editors in the house. Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather than the exception. The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into some hospital. Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors, while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder. * * * * * [Illustration: _Country Cousin_ (_looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue_). "Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?" _Uncle_ (_who has been dragged there much against his will_). "Eh! What? 1, 3---- Oh, _Telephone number_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE ARTIST'S ROOM.--_Potztausend._ "My friend, it is kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are better as he." _Pianist (pleased)._ "Indeed! How?" _Potztausend._ "In de bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BROTHERS IN ART.--_New Arrival._ "What should I charge for teaching ze pianoforte?" _Old Stager._ "Oh, I don't know." _N. A._ "Vell, tell me vot _you_ charge." _O. S._ "_I_ charge five guineas a lesson." _N. A._ "Himmel! how many pupils have you got?" _O. S._ "Oh, I have no pupils!"] * * * * * A DIVISION OF LABOUR ["_Journalism._--Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent journalistic assistance, &c."--_Times._] The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. _Mr. Punch_ suggests for other gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:-- 1 furnished bedroom. = {1 introduction (by letter) to {sub-editor of daily paper. 1 furnished bedroom} = {1 introduction (personal) to with use of bath. } {sub-editor. {1 introduction and interview 1 bed-sitting-room. = { (five minutes guaranteed) {with editor. 2 furnished rooms.} = {1 lunch (cold) with Dr. {Robertson Nicoll. 2 furnished rooms, with} = {1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll use of bath. } {and Claudius Clear. 1 furnished flat, with } {1 bridge night with Lord all modern conveniences,} = {Northcliffe, Sir George electric light, } {Newnes, and Mr. C. A. trams to the corner, &c.} {Pearson. * * * * * When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing? When he's regularly _in the swing_. * * * * * [Illustration: DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: _Little Griggs_ (_to caricaturist_). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking chap!"] * * * * * [Illustration: (_Model wishing to say something pleasant._) "You must have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"] * * * * * DINNER AND DRESS.--Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not nice to see girls underdone. * * * * * A CHEAP BATH.--A farthing dip. * * * * * "LIGHT DUES."--Photographers' charges. * * * * * "LETTERED EASE."--The catalogue of the British Museum. * * * * * A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is bound up in his. * * * * * TAVERN WINE MEASURE 2 sips make 1 glass. 2 glasses make 1 pint. 2 pints makes 1 quart bottle. 1 bottle makes one ill. * * * * * THE BOARDING-OUT SYSTEM.--Dining at the club. * * * * * [Illustration: _Mrs. Mashem._ "_Bull-bull_ and I have been sitting for our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!" _Lord Loreus_ (_a bit of a fancier_). "Yes; he certainly _is_ a beauty, isn't he?"] * * * * * SHORT RULES FOR CALCULATION.--_To Find the Value of a Dozen Articles._--Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the proprietor. _Another Way._--Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their value, but their weight, at per pound. _To Find the Value of a Pound at any price._--Try to borrow one, when you are desperately hard up. * * * * * _Member of the Lyceum Club._ Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"? _Member of the Cavalry Club._ No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's new book? * * * * * CONVIVIAL TOAST (_For a Temperance Fête_) FILL high: Drink _L'eau_. * * * * * _First Reveller_ (_on the following morning_). "I say, is it true you were the only sober man last night?" _Second Reveller._ "Of course not!" _First Reveller._ "Who was, then?" * * * * * AN UGLY BARGAIN.--A cheap bull-dog. * * * * * [Illustration: THE DUMAS CRAZE _Brown_ (_who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a week and is "going it"_). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.--_Jones._ "I say, Miss Golightly, it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times--_and I've always broken down in the third verse!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: BEYOND PRAISE.--_Roscius._ "But you haven't got a word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?" _Criticus._ "A dead one, my boy--a dead one!"] * * * * * STALE NEWS FRESHLY TOLD.--A physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient. Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker. A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband. You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a gentleman. Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly be exceeded. * * * * * THE AUTHORS OF OUR OWN PLEASURES.--Next to the pleasure of having done a good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written a good article! * * * * * CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.--When the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the _un-heardy_-gurdy. * * * * * [Illustration: MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS THE GOLDEN RULE. 1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day. 2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself. 3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most of your means. 4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. THE BRAZEN RULE. 1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day. 2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself. 3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once. 4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be troublesome. * * * * * A LITERARY PURSUIT.--Chasing a newspaper in a high wind. * * * * * [Illustration: THE TRUE TEST.-- _First Screever_ (_stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's window_). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!" _Second Screever._ "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty 'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?" _First Screever._ "Ah!"] [_Exeunt ambo._ * * * * * MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).--We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance will be _a solo on one string_. * * * * * _Sporting Prophet_ (_playing billiards_). Marker, here's the tip off this cue as usual. _Marker._ Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as _they never come off_. * * * * * ART DOGMA.--An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as when he is drawing her a cheque. * * * * * THE UNITED EFFORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.--What colour is it that contains several? An umber (_a number_). * * * * * MEM. AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.--A picture may be "capitally executed" without of necessity being "well hung." And _vice versâ_. * * * * * A SCHISM TO BE APPROVED OF.--A witticism. * * * * * [Illustration: EXCELSIOR!-- _She._ "I didn't know you were a _musician_, Herr Müller." _He._ "A musician? Ach, no--Gott vorpit! I am a _Wagnerian_!"] * * * * * AN AUTHOR'S CRY OF AGONY (_Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy_) "Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'" * * * * * RIDDLES BY A WRETCH.--_Q._ What is the difference between a surgeon and a wizard? _A._ The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer. _Q._ Why is America like the act of reflection? _A._ Because it is a roomy-nation. _Q._ Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase? _A._ Because she is an _objet de looks_. _Q._ How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman? _A._ Because he always is a true-Roman. _Q._ Why is my game cock like a bishop? _A._ Because he has his crows here (_crozier_). * * * * * COUPLET BY A CYNIC (_After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show_) Philistine art may stand all critic shocks Whilst it gives private views--of pretty frocks! * * * * * [Illustration: RETALIATION.-- _Comic Man_ (_to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received in stony silence_). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are you?" _Unappreciated Tenor_ (_firmly_). "Yes, I am. _Serve them right!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: AN INDUCEMENT.-- _Swedish Exercise Instructress._ "Now, ladies, if you will only follow my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even as I am!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MORE SWEDISH INSTRUCTION.-- _Instructress_ (_to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room for some time_). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You _must_ look cheerful. Keep smiling--smiling all the time!"] * * * * * A BATCH OF PROOFS The proof of a pudding is in the eating: The proof of a woman is in making a pudding; And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one. * * * * * A REFLECTION ON LITERATURE.--It is a well-authenticated fact, that the name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters. * * * * * MOTTO FOR THE REJECTED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY (_suggested by one of the Forty_).--"Hanging's too good for them!" * * * * * SUGGESTION FOR A MUSIC-HALL SONG (_to suit any Lionne Comique_).--"Wink at _me only_ with one eye," &c., &c. * * * * * AMPLE GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT.--Finding the grounds of your coffee to consist of nothing but chicory. * * * * * A SMILING COUNTENANCE is "The happy mien." * * * * * [Illustration: _Publisher_ (_impatiently_). "Well, sir, what is it?" _Poet_ (_timidly_). "O--er--are you Mr. Jobson?" _Publisher_ (_irritably_). "Yes." _Poet_ (_more timidly_). "Mr. _George_ Jobson?" _Publisher_ (_excitably_). "Yes, sir, that's my name." _Poet_ (_more timidly still_). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and Doodle?" _Publisher_ (_angrily_). "Yes. What do you want?" _Poet_ "Oh--I want to see Mr. Doodle!"] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR ORCHESTRAL SOCIETY.--_The Rector._ "Oh, _piano_, Mr. Brown! _Pi-an-o!_" _Mr. Brown._ "_Piano_ be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Customer._--"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?" _Bookseller._ "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."] * * * * * A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHER Since, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn, you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good. Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this ingenious device to fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you a brief example of the method:-- I.--THE RAW MATERIAL. "Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are all conspicuously wanting."--_The Thunderer._ "This book is undeniably third-rate--dull, badly-written, incoherent; in fine, a dismal failure."--_The Wigwam._ "If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are that you will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."--_Daily Telephone._ "'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course of the month."--_The Parachute._ II.--THE RESULT. "Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!" Gigantic Success--The Talk of London. The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited! "Maria's Marriage!" The voice of the Press is simply _unanimous_. Read the following extracts--taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers. "Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains taste, humour, smartness and interest!"--_The Thunderer._ "Undeniably ... fine!"--_The Wigwam._ "Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."--_Daily Telephone._ "The book ... of the month!"--_The Parachute_, &c., &c. "Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller to-day! That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some further hints on a future occasion. * * * * * "PRAY, AFTER YOU," as the glass of water said to the pill. * * * * * TRUISM FOR TEETOTALERS.--When a man is _out_ of spirits--he should take wine. * * * * * A NEEDLESS QUESTION.--"Do you want a loan?" * * * * * THE BRITISH "PUBLIC."--The beer-shop. * * * * * MORNING ENVELOPES.--Dressing gowns. * * * * * [Illustration: "_Operator_" (_desperately, after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising sitter_). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the _least_ suggestion of--er--_sauciness_?"] * * * * * [Illustration: GUSHING HOSPITALITY. (Time 3 p.m.).--_Hospitable Host._ "Have c'gar, old f'lla?" _Languid Visitor._ "No--thanks." _H. H._ "Cigarette then?" _His Visitor._ "No--thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast." _H. H._ "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"] * * * * * [Illustration: PROPORTIONS.--_Buyer._ "In future, as my collection increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less 'mount'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: INGENUOUS!--_Jones_ (_to his fair partner, after their opponents have declared "clubs"_). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?" _Fair Partner_ (_who has never played bridge before_). "Oh, no, please don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."] * * * * * [Illustration: _She._ "And are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary?" _The Poet._ "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see something beautiful before me." _She._ "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AT THE R.A.--_First Painter._ "I've just been showing my aunt round. Most amusing. Invariably picks out the wrong pictures to admire and denounces the good ones!" _Second Painter._ "Did she say anything about mine?" _First Painter._ "Oh, she liked yours!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "I say, old man, I've invented a new drink. Big success! Come and try it." "What's it made of?" "Well, it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda, but you put more whisky in it!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY _Sylvia._ "I wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor?" _Mamma._ "Wouldn't you like him to be an artist, like papa?" _Sylvia._ "Oh, one in the family's quite enough!"] * * * * * "THE BITTER END."--The last half inch of a halfpenny cigar. * * * * * THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME FOR AN AUTHOR.--Dr. Dozy. * * * * * Why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted? Because he's a slippery customer. * * * * * THE RACE FOR WEALTH.--Jews. * * * * * BASSO PROFONDO.--A deep draught of bitter beer. * * * * * EXERCISE FOR CITY CLERKS.--A run on a Bank. * * * * * PASSING THE TIME.--Going by a clock. * * * * * [Illustration: Coming off with flying colours] * * * * * [Illustration: THY FACE SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * LITERARY NOTES A well-known diner-out has, we learn, collected his reminiscences, and would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who would "earnestly request" him to publish them. We should add that no names would be mentioned, the preface merely opening as follows:-- "Although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral value, and though they were collected with no thought of publication, the writer at the earnest request of a friend" (or "many friends," if more than one) "has reluctantly consented to give his scattered reminiscences to the world." * * * * * The following volumes in "The Biter Bit" series are announced as shortly to appear:-- "The Fighter Fit; or practical hints on pugilistic training." "The Lighter Lit: a treatise on the illumination of Thames barges." "The Slighter Slit: or a new and economical method of cutting out." "The Tighter Tit: studies in the comparative inebriation of birds." [Illustration: Some fine form was exhibited] [Illustration: A two-figure break] [Illustration: A heat of 500 up] [Illustration: Finishing the game with a cannon] [Illustration: Opening with the customary miss] [Illustration: Spot barred] BILLIARD NOTES BY DUMB-CRAMBO * * * * * [Illustration: SENDING-IN-DAY AT THE R. A. "But it is impossible for you to see the President. What do you want to see him for?" "I want to show him exactly where I want my picture hung."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Millionaire._ "Yes; I'm awful partial to picters. Why, bless yer, I've got _cellars_ full of 'em!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THE EXHIBITION"] _Infuriated Outsider._ "R-r-r-rejected, sir!----Fwanospace, sir!" (_With withering emphasis._) "'Want--of--space--sir!!" * * * * * [Illustration: "Look here, Schlumpenhagen, you must help us at our smoking concert. You play the flute, don't you?" "Not ven dere ish anypotty apout." "How's that?" "Dey _von't let me_!"] * * * * * ROCHEFOUCAULDIANA There is no sympathy in England so universally felt, so largely expressed, as for a person who is likely to catch cold. * * * * * When a person loses his reputation, the very last place where he goes to look for it is the place where he has lost it. * * * * * No gift so fatal as that of singing. The principal question asked, upon insuring a man's life, should be, "Do you sing a good song?" * * * * * Many of us are led by our vices, but a great many more of us follow them without any leading at all. * * * * * To show how deceptive are appearances, more gentlemen are mistaken for waiters, than waiters for gentlemen. * * * * * To a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of having a "short sight." In truth, wealth rarely improves the vision. Poverty, on the contrary, strengthens it. A man, when he is poor, is able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye, which he could not see, though standing close to his elbow, when he was rich. * * * * * If you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking, get some one to sing a song. * * * * * The bore is happy enough in boring others, but is never so miserable as when left alone, when there is no one but himself to bore. * * * * * The contradictions of this life are wonderful. Many a man, who hasn't the courage to say "no," never misses taking a shower-bath every morning of his life. * * * * * If you wish to borrow £5 ask for £10. * * * * * WHAT BROWN SAID SCENE--_Hall of the Elysium Club_ _Enter_ Smith, F.R.S., _meeting_ Brown, Q.C. _Smith._ Raw day, eh? _Brown._ Very _raw_. Glad when it's _done_. [_Exit_ Brown, Q.C. _Exit_ Smith, F.R.S., _into smoking-room, where he tells a good thing that_ Brown _said_. * * * * * [Illustration: AT THE ACADEMY _Miss Jones._ "How came you to think of the subject, Mr. de Brush?" _Eccentric Artist._ "Oh, I have had it in my head for years!" _Miss Jones._ "How wonderful! What did the papers say?" _Eccentric Artist._ "Said it was full of 'atmosphere,' and suggested 'space.'"] * * * * * [Illustration: INTELLIGENT!--_Artist_ (_who thinks he has found a good model for his Touchstone_). "Have you any sense of humour, Mr. Bingles?" _Model._ "Thank y' sir, no, sir, thank y'. I enj'ys pretty good 'ealth, sir, thank y' sir!"] * * * * * THE PERILS OF A CONVERSAZIONE _Miss Fillip_ (_to gentleman whose name she did not catch when introduced_). Have you read _A Modern Heliogabolus_? _He._ Yes, I have. _Miss F._ All through? _He._ Yes, from beginning to end. _Miss F._ Dear me! I wonder you're alive! How did you manage to get through it? _He_ (_diffidently_). Unfortunately, I wrote it. [_Miss F. catches a distant friend's eye._ * * * * * THE SOUND SLEEPER'S PARADISE.--Snoring. * * * * * _PATENT_ NIGHT-LIGHTS.--Stars. * * * * * EPITAPH ON A CHAMPION BILLIARD PLAYER.--"Taking his long rest." * * * * * TONED PAPER.--Sheets of music. * * * * * ITEM ON A MENU OF LITERARY PABULUM.--"Shakspeare and Bacon." * * * * * RACE GLASSES.--Champagne. * * * * * THE MAID OF THE MILL.--A lady boxer. * * * * * [Illustration: SENTIMENT.--(_Artistic-minded Youth in midst of a fierce harangue from his father, who is growing hotter and redder_). "By Jove, that's a fine bit of colour, if you like!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "What an ass old Brown is!" "Oh, I don't know. He's got far more brains than appear on the surface."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Art-Master_ (_who has sent for a cab, pointing to horse_). "What do you call that?" _Cabby._ "An 'orse, sir." _Art-Master._ "A horse! Rub it out, and do it again!"] * * * * * A PARCEL OF PROVERBS, &c. COMPLETED Take time by the forelock--to have his hair cut. Follow your leader--in your daily paper. The proof of the pudding is in the eating--a great deal of it. Never look a gift-horse in the mouth--lest you should find false teeth. The hare with many friends--was eaten at last. A stitch in time saves nine--or more naughty words, when a button comes off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner. One man's meat is another man's poison--when badly cooked. Don't count your chickens before they are hatched--by the patent incubator. Love is blind--and unwilling to submit to an operation. First catch your hare--then cook it with rich gravy. Nil Desperandum--PERCY VERE. * * * * * [Illustration: NON-COMMITTAL.-- Scene: _Fashionable Auction Rooms. A Picture Sale._-- _Amateur Collector_ (_after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2_). "What do you think of the picture? I am advised to buy it. Is it not a fine Titian?" _Expert No. 2_ (_wishing to please both parties_). "I don't think you can go far wrong, for anyhow, if it isn't a Titian it's a repe-tition."] * * * * * ANOTHER PARCEL OF PROVERBS If the cap fits, wear it--out. Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve. None so deaf as those who won't hear--hear! hear! Faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either. Civility costs nothing--nay, is something to your credit. The best of friends must part--their hair. Any port in a storm--but old port preferred. One good turn deserves another--in waltzing. Youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick. * * * * * "LEADING STRINGS."--Those of a first violin in an orchestra. * * * * * TOBACCO STOPPERS.--Men who stay to smoke. * * * * * SMOKER'S PROVERB.--It's an ill weed that blows nobody any good. A _TIDY_ DRINK.--_Neat_ brandy. * * * * * [Illustration: _Amateur_ "_Minimus Poet_" (_who has called at the office twice a week for three months_). "Could you use a little poem of mine?" _Editor_ (_ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit_). "Oh, I think so. There are two or three broken panes of glass, and a hole in the skylight. How large is it?"] * * * * * MOTTO FOR A SUB-EDITOR.--"Aut _scissors_, aut nullus." * * * * * _To find the value of a Cook._--Divide the services rendered by the wages paid; deduct the kitchen stuff, subtract the cold meat by finding how often three policemen will go into one area, and the quotient will help you to the result. _To find the value of a Friend._--Ask him to put his name to a bill. _To find the value of Time._--Travel by a Bayswater omnibus. _To find the value of Eau de Cologne._--Walk into Smithfield market. _To find the value of Patience._--Consult Bradshaw's _Guide_ to ascertain the time of starting of a railway train. * * * * * NOTE BY A SOCIAL CYNIC.--They may abolish the "push" stroke at billiards, but they'll never do so in society. * * * * * FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE (_still dodging custody_).--_Q._ Why is a daily paper like a lamb? _A._ Because it is always folded. * * * * * [Illustration: DUTY BEFORE PLEASURE.--_Hostess_ (_to new Curate_). "We seem to be talking of nothing but horses, Mr. Soothern. Are you much of a sportsman?" _Curate._ "Really, Lady Betty, I don't think I ought to say that I am. I used to collect butterflies; but I have to give up even _that_ now!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED "The gods confound thee! Dost thou hold there still?" _Antony and Cleopatra_, Act II., Sc. 5.] * * * * * "STILL WATERS."--Whiskies. * * * * * ART CRITICISM.--In too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre. * * * * * THE ADVERTISER'S PARADISE.--Puffin Island. * * * * * A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune. * * * * * [Illustration: HE KNEW HIS WORK _Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?" _Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life." _P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?" _A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"] * * * * * MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words. * * * * * SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING (_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_) _Lawyer._ Tax my bill. _Doctor._ Dash my draughts. _Soldier_. Snap my stock. _Parson._ Starch my surplice. _Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered. _Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod. _Carpenter._ Saw me. _Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes. _Painter._ I'm daubed. _Brewer._ I'm mashed. _Engineer._ Burst my boiler. _Stoker._ Souse my coke. _Costermonger._ Rot my taturs. _Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary. _Actor._ I'll be hissed. _Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose. _Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off. _Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales. _Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins. _Auctioneer._ Knock me down. * * * * * "THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat. _Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost." * * * * * SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences? _Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._" _Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them. * * * * * A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark. * * * * * A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns. * * * * * [Illustration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?" _Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks." _Jones._ "Which did you do last?" _Smith._ "Drink." _Jones._ "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD] * * * * * "LARGEST CIRCULATION IN THE WORLD."--The elephant's. * * * * * THE WORST PLACE IN THIRSTY WEATHER.--Taplow. * * * * * INSCRIPTION FOR AN OLD CLOTHES SHOP.--"Nothing new." * * * * * [Illustration: "JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"] (_As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone_) * * * * * LITERARY ANNOUNCEMENT.--In the press--yesterday's tablecloth. * * * * * THE HEIGHT OF ECONOMY.--A "screw" of tobacco. * * * * * [Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY SCENE I.--_Street Singer._ "I fear no foe in shining ar----."] [Illustration: A BROKEN MELODY SCENE II.--Enter policeman.] * * * * * THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO. BEG TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEY HAVE OPENED AN ESTABLISHMENT FOR THE SUPPLY OF LITERATURE IN ALL ITS BRANCHES. _Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare them with those of other houses._ POETRY DEPARTMENT. We employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses, war songs, &c., and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its reaching us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties requiring verse of any description, and, if the matter is at all urgent, to execute the order on the spot. DRAMA DEPARTMENT. Actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call. Our plays draw wherever they are presented, even if it is only bricks. _Testimonial._--A manager writes: "The play you kindly supplied, _The Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley_, is universally admitted to be _unlike anything ever before produced on the stage_." Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free from plot) supplied on shortest notice. FICTION DEPARTMENT. For society dialogues we use the very best duchesses; while a first-class earl's daughter is retained for Court and gala opera. For our new line of _vie intime_ we employ none but valets and confidential maids, who have to serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P. THE KAILYARD DEPARTMENT is always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be pleased to call on any editor on receipt of post-card. N.B.--We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to any English reader, and undertake to refund money if it can be proved that such is not the case. Our speciality, however, is our _Six-Shilling Shocker_, as sold for serial purposes. Editors with papers that won't "go" should ask for one of these. When ordering please state general idea required under one of our recognised sections, as foreign office, police, mounted infantry, cowardice, Rome, &c., &c. BIOGRAPHY. Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in anticipation of his decease should communicate with us. The work would, of course, be published with a note to the effect that the writing had been a labour of love; that moreover the subject with his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography. _Testimonial._--Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The Life gives great satisfaction. No reference made, however, to my munificent gift of £50 to the Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in the next edition. The work, however, has been excellently done. You have made me out to be better than even I ever thought myself." For love letters, For the Elizabethan vogue, For every description of garden meditations, Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial. * * * * * [Illustration: A SOFT ANSWER.--_Papa_ (_literary, who has given orders he is not to be disturbed_). "Who is it?" _Little Daughter._ "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION _The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows_:-- "I look into the glass, reader. What do I see? I see a pair of laughing, _espiègle_, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin folds of a _rose-thé_ dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper", &c., &c. (_Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu._)] * * * * * [Illustration: A DISTINCTION _First Gourmet._ "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to." _Second Gourmet._ "I know." _First G._ "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday--but I can't. Ever dined at Dobbs's?" _Second G._ "No. Never _dined_. But I've been there to dinner!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Millionaire_ (_who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes_). "SHOP!"] * * * * * NONSENSE PROVERBS WHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan. There's a mouth for every muffin. A clear soup and no flavour. As drunk as a daisy. All rind and no cheese. Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper. There's a B in every bonnet. Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other. The insurance officer dreads a fire. First catch your heir, then hook him. Every plum has its pudding. Short pipes make long smokes. It's a long lane that has no blackberries. Wind and weather come together. A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush. Round robin is a shy bird. There's a shiny lining to every hat. The longest dinner will come to an end. You must take the pips with the orange. It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth. No rose without a gardener. Better to marry in May than not to marry at all. Save sovereigns, spend guineas. Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is _not_ nonsense.) * * * * * [Illustration: Profusely decorated with cuts] * * * * * SAID AT THE ACADEMY.--_Punch_ doesn't care _who_ said it. It was extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging committee. * * * * * THE GRAMMAR OF ART.--"Art," spell it with a big or little "a," can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next. * * * * * [Illustration: _Scrumble._ "Been to see the old masters?" _Stippleton_ (_who has married money_). "No. Fact is"--(_sotto voce_)--"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"] * * * * * [Illustration: TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS] * * * * * ARTIST'S VADE MECUM _Question._ Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait? _Answer._ He has seen it. _Q._ Did he approve of it? _A._ He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations. _Q._ What are they? _A._ He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved. _Q._ Did he make any other suggestions? _A._ Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground. _Q._ Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions? _A._ He does not consider it necessary. _Q._ Are you well on with your Academy picture? _A._ No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday. _Q._ Have you secured the handsome model? _A._ No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent R.A. _Q._ Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in time? _A._ Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow. * * * * * WHENEVER the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the play should be _The Miller and his Men_. * * * * * A NICE MAN.--Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had anything neat about him but gin. * * * * * [Illustration: Under a great master] * * * * * [Illustration: THE WARRIOR BOLD SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * [Illustration: THE GAY TOM TIT SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS] * * * * * "HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED."--(_Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths of the Academicians' work "on the line."_)--Very well "hung"; very ill "drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves. * * * * * THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE.--Gin. * * * * * [Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST" When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Celebrated Minor Poet._ "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?" _Hostess._ "Delightful! _I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: _The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but undiscerning old Lady._ "Play something you know, dearie."] * * * * * [Illustration: AT A FENCING "AT HOME."--_Distinguished Foreigner_ (_hero of a hundred duels_). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation." _Fair Member._ "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.--_Patron._ "When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'----" _Artist._ "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and----" _Patron_ (_millionaire_). "Canvas! 'Ang it!--none o' yer canvas for me! Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than canvas!!" [_Tableau!_] * * * * * [Illustration: GRATIFYING!--_Amateur Artist_ (_to the carrier_). "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?" _Carrier._ "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it--leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'--but--lor' how they did laugh!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Artist_ (_who has recommended model to a friend_). "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?" _Model._ "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names,
{'title': 'Mr. Punch in Bohemia by Various', 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}