Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net [Illustration: PAINTED BY SINGLETON. PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN AND CO. ENGRAVED BY FITTLER. LADY AMARANTH. -- AH, THOU SLY AND DECEITFUL HYPOCRITE!] WILD OATS; OR, THE STROLLING GENTLEMEN; A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS; AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT GARDEN. BY JOHN O'KEEFFE, ESQ. PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS FROM THE PROMPT BOOK. WITH REMARKS BY MRS. INCHBALD. LONDON: PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME, PATERNOSTER ROW. SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD, PRINTERS, LONDON. REMARKS. With a double respect for talents, and for misfortune, these remarks are begun. The present comedy is written by O'Keeffe, who saw not the traces of his pen as he marked the paper; whose days pass away, uncheered by the sun or any visible object; but whose mind supports with resignation his bitter calamity, and is enlightened by imagination, whilst his eyes are shut in utter darkness. Were each close imitator of an author's style punishable by law, like the perpetrator of other wrongs, Mr. O'Keeffe might have been an independent, though not a happy man; for that source of a new kind of mirth, termed by some exquisite nonsense, of which he was the first discoverer, made the town so merry, that, like good wine, he might have sold it at any price; but this rich juice of hilarity, polluted by the false spirit of imitation, at length gave a stupor to those, whom the beverage had before revived; and the pure and the adulterated became distasteful together. This comedy is the only attempt of the author to produce a drama above opera and farce. His productions, in the latter species of writing, are perfect compositions: nothing of the kind can be superior to his "Agreeable Surprise," and his "Son-in-Law." He has a number of other farces of little less attraction; such as "Peeping Tom."--Another class after that, and each possessing infinite fancy, whim, and novelty. Still success did not follow all his productions: a few years past he wrote very frequently, and sometimes too hastily. On the first night of representing any of those whimsical dramas, amidst loud peals of laughter at the comic dialogue or incidents, there was generally a most affecting spectacle behind the curtain. O'Keeffe, stone-blind, (not an affliction of birth, but of late years) led by his little son, as a guide, down to the stage-door--to the lock of which he would anxiously place his ear to catch the quickest information how his work was received--and when, unhappily hisses from the audience would sound louder than applause--in strong agitation he would press his hands to each side of his head, as if he had yet one sense too much. Thus he would remain, without sight or hearing, till some unexpected sally of humour in his drama once more put the house in good temper, and they would begin to laugh and applaud;--on which, his son, rapid as lightning, would pull him by the elbow, and cry out, "Now, father, listen again." "Wild Oats," would not disgrace an author of much higher pretensions in dramatic writing than Mr. O'Keeffe. There is great pleasantry throughout the play, many natural touches of simplicity, and some well-written dialogues and sentiments. The plot is interesting, the characters new, or at least in new situations, and the whole forms an evening's entertainment for an auditor of taste--such a one having at the same time in his memory, certain popular sentences from certain well-known comedies and tragedies: for without intimate acquaintance with all the quotations made use of by the hero of the piece, it must totally lose its effect, and this hero appear like a madman. Perhaps, no comedy, on a first night, was ever more fortunate in a list of excellent comic actors to represent the characters. Lewis, in Rover, fervid as usual, seemed so enamoured of his stage exploits, that every spectator forgave him his folly, for the bewitching ardour with which he pursued it. In Ephraim, the quaker, the spirit moved Munden--as it always does--to act just as he should do. Quick was on the London stage when this play was first performed, and though Sir George Thunder was by no means a part best suited to his abilities--yet Quick gave comic importance to all he undertook. Mr. Thomas Blanchard, since dead, played the little part of Sim with wond'rous skill. Mrs. Pope (once Miss Young) was excellent in Lady Amaranth. And the silly Jane can never have so good a representative as Mrs. Wells. PERSONS REPRESENTED. SIR GEORGE THUNDER _Mr. Quick._ ROVER _Mr. Lewis._ HARRY _Mr. Holman._ BANKS _Mr. Hull._ JOHN DORY _Mr. Wilson._ FARMER GAMMON _Mr. Cubit._ LAMP _Mr. C. Powell._ EPHRAIM SMOOTH _Mr. Munden._ SIM _Mr. Blanchard._ ZACHARIAH _Mr. Rees._ MIDGE _Mr. Macready._ TRAP _Mr. Evatt._ TWITCH _Mr. Rock._ LANDLORD _Mr. Powell._ LADY AMARANTH _Mrs. Pope._ AMELIA _Miss Chapman._ JANE _Mrs. Wells._ _SCENE,--Part of Hampshire._ WILD OATS. ACT THE FIRST. SCENE I. _A Parlour in_ LADY AMARANTH'S _House_. _Enter_ JOHN DORY. _John._ Fine cruizing this! without flip or biscuit! don't know who's the Governor of this here fort; but if he can victual us a few--how hollow my bread room sounds! [_Striking his sides._] I'm as empty as a stoved keg, and as tired as an old Dutchman--my obstinate master, Sir George, to tow my old hulk--aboard the house, ha, hoy! _Sir Geo._ [_Without._] John! John Dory! _John._ [_Sits._] I'm at anchor. _Enter_ SIR GEORGE THUNDER. _Sir Geo._ I don't know who's house we've got into here, John; but I think, when he knows me, we may hope for some refreshment--Eh! [_Looking at_ JOHN.] was not I your captain? _John._ Yes; and I was your boatswain. And what of all that? _Sir Geo._ Then how dare you sit in my presence, you bluff head? _John._ Why, for the matter of that, I don't mind; but had I been your captain, and you my boatswain, the man, that stood by me at sea, should be welcome to sit before me at land. _Sir Geo._ That's true, my dear John; offer to stand up, and, damme, if I don't knock you down--zounds! I am as dry as a powder match--to sail at the rate of ten knots an hour, over fallow and stubble, from my own house, but half a league on this side of Gosport, and not catch these deserters! _John._ In this here chase you wanted the ballast of wisdom. _Sir Geo._ How, sirrah! hasn't my dear old friend, Dick Broadside, got the command of the ship I so often fought myself--to man it for him with expedition, didn't I (out of my own pocket) offer two guineas over the king's bounty to every seaman that would enter on board her? Hav'n't these three scoundrels fingered the shot, then ran, and didn't I do right to run after them? Damn the money! I no more mind that than a piece of clinker; but 'twas the pride of my heart to see my beloved ship (the Eagle) well mann'd, when my old friend is the commander. _John._ But since you've laid yourself up in ordinary, retired to live in quiet, on your estate, and had done with all sea affairs-- _Sir Geo._ John, John, a man should forget his own convenience for his country's good.--Though Broadside's letter said these fellows were lurking about this part of Hampshire, yet still it's all hide and seek. _John._ Your ill luck. _Sir Geo._ Mine, you swab? _John._ Ay, you've money and gold; but grace and good fortune have shook hands with you these nineteen years, for that rogue's trick you play'd poor Miss Amelia, by deceiving her with a sham marriage, when you passed yourself for Captain Seymour, and then putting off to sea, leaving her to break her poor heart, and since marrying another lady. _Sir Geo._ Wasn't I forc'd to it by my father? _John._--Ay; because she had a great fortin, her death too was a judgment upon you. _Sir Geo._ Why, you impudent dog-fish!--upbraid me for running into false bay, when you were my pilot? Wasn't it you, even brought me the false clergyman that performed the sham marriage with Amelia? _John._ Yes, you think so; but I took care to bring you a real clergyman. _Sir Geo._ But is this a time or place for your lectures? At home, abroad, sea, or land, you will still badger me! mention my Wild Oats again and--you scoundrel, since the night my bedcurtains took fire, when you were my boatswain aboard the Eagle, you've got me quite into leading strings--you snatched me upon deck, and tossed me into the sea,--to save me from being burnt, I was almost drowned. _John._ You would but for me-- _Sir Geo._ Yes, you dragged me out by the ear, like a waterdog--last week, 'cause you found the tenth bottle uncorked, you rushed in among my friends, and ran away with me; and, next morning Captain O'Shanaghan sends me a challenge for quitting the company, when he was in the chair! so, to save me from a headach, you'd like to've got my brains blown out. _John._ Oh, very well; be burnt in your bed, and tumble in the water, by jumping into boats, like a tight fellow as you are, and poison yourself with sloe juice; see if John cares a piece of mouldy biscuit about it. But I wish you hadn't made me your valet de shamber. No sooner was I got on shore, after five years dashing among rocks, shoals, and breakers, than you sets me on a high-trotting cart horse, which knockt me up and down like an old bomb-boat in the Bay of Biscay, and here's nothing to drink after all! Because at home you keep open house, you think every body else does the same. _Sir Geo._ Why, by sailing into this strange port, we may be more free than welcome. _John._ Holla! I'll never cease piping, 'till it calls up a drop to wet my whistle. [_Exit._ _Sir Geo._ Yes, (as John Dory remarks) I fear my trip through life will be attended with heavy squalls and foul weather. When my conduct to poor Amelia comes athwart my mind, it's a hurricane for that day, and turn in at night, the ballad of "Margaret and William," rings in my ear. [_Sings._] "In glided Margaret's grimly ghost." Oh, zounds! the dismals are coming upon me, and can't get a cheering glass to--holloa! _Enter_ EPHRAIM SMOOTH. _Eph._ Friend, what would'st thou have? _Sir Geo._ Grog. _Eph._ Neither man nor woman of that name abideth here. _Sir Geo._ Ha, ha, ha! man and woman! then if you'll bring me Mr. Brandy and Mrs. Water, we'll couple them, and the first child probably will be Master Grog. _Eph._ Thou dost speak in parables, which I understand not. _Sir Geo._ Sheer off with your sanctified poop, and send the gentleman of the house. _Eph._ The owner of this mansion is a maiden, and she approacheth. _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH. _Lady Am._ Do I behold?--It is! how dost thou uncle? _Sir Geo._ Is it possible you can be my niece, Lady Maria Amaranth Thunder? _Lady Am._ I am the daughter of thy deceased brother Loftus, called Earl Thunder, but no lady, my name is Mary. _Sir Geo._ But, zounds! how is all this? Eh! unexpectedly find you in a strange house, of which old Sly here tells me you're the mistress; turned quaker, and disclaim your title! _Lady Am._ Thou know'st the relation to whose care my father left me? _Sir Geo._ Well! I know our cousin, old Dovehouse, was a quaker! but I didn't suspect he would have made you one. _Lady Am._ Being now gathered to his fathers, he did bequeath unto me his worldly goods; amongst them this mansion, and the lands around it. _Eph._ So thou becom'st and continue one of the faithful. I am executor of his will, and by it, I cannot give thee, Mary, possession of these goods, but on those conditions. _Sir Geo._ Tell me of your thee's and thou's, quaker's wills and mansions! I say, girl, though on the death of your father, my eldest brother, Loftus, Earl Thunder, from your being a female, his title devolved to his next brother, Robert; though, as a woman, you can't be an earl, nor as a woman, you can't make laws for your sex and our sex, yet, as the daughter of a peer, you are, and, by Heaven, shall be called Lady Maria Amaranth Thunder. _Eph._ Thou makest too much noise, friend. _Sir Geo._ Call me friend, and I'll bump your block against the capstern. _Eph._ Yea, this is a man of danger, and I will leave Mary to abide it. [_Exit._ _Sir G._ 'Sfire, my lady-- _Lady Am._ Title is vanity. _Enter_ ZACHARIAH. _Zach._ Shall thy cook, this day, roast certain birds of the air, call'd woodcocks, and ribs of the oxen likewise? _Lady Am._ All. My uncle sojourneth with me peradventure, and my meal shall be a feast, friend Zachariah. _Zach._ My tongue shall say so, friend Mary. _Sir Geo._ [_Strikes him._] Sir George Thunder bids thee remember to call your mistress, Lady Amaranth. _Zach._ Verily, George. _Sir Geo._ George! sirrah, though a younger brother, the honour of knighthood was my reward for placing the glorious British flag over that of a daring enemy--therefore address me with respect. _Zach._ Yea, I do, good George. [_Exit._ _Sir Geo._ George and Mary! here's levelling, here's abolition of title with a vengeance! _Lady Am._ Kinsman, be patient; thou, and thy son, my cousin Henry, whom I have not beheld, I think, these twelve years, shall be welcome to my dwelling. Where now abideth the youth? _Sir Geo._ At the Naval Academy, at Portsmouth. _Lady Am._ May I not see the young man? _Sir Geo._ What, to make a quaker of him?--No, no. But, hold, as she's now a wealthy heiress, her marrying my son Harry, will keep up and preserve her title in our own family too. [_Aside._] Would'st thou really be glad to see him? thou shalt, Mary. Ha, ha, ha! John Dory! [_Calling._] Here comes my valet de chambre. _Enter_ JOHN DORY. _John._ Why, sir--such a breeze sprung up! _Sir Geo._ Avast, old man of war; you must instantly convoy my son from Portsmouth. _John._ Then I must first convoy him to Portsmouth, for he happens to be out of the dock already. _Sir Geo._ What wind now? _John._ You know, on our quitting harbour-- _Sir Geo._ Damn your sea jaw, you marvellous dolphin, give the contents of your logbook in plain English. _John._ The young squire has cut and run. _Sir Geo._ What? _John._ Got leave to come to you: and master didn't find out before yesterday, that, instead of making for home, he had sheer'd off towards London; directly sent notice to you, and Sam has traced us all the way here to bring you the news. _Sir Geo._ What, a boy of mine quit his guns? I'll grapple him.--Come, John. _Lady Am._ Order the carriage for mine uncle. _Sir Geo._ No, thank ye, my lady. Let your equipage keep up your own dignity. I have horses here; but I won't knock 'em up; next village is the channel for the stage--My lady, I'll bring the dog to you by the bowsprit.--Weigh anchor! crowd sail! and after him! [_Exit._ _Enter_ EPHRAIM. [_Peeping in._] _Eph._ The man of noise doth not tarry, then my spirit is glad. _Lady Am._ Let Sarah prepare chambers for my kinsman, and hire the maiden for me that thou didst mention. _Eph._ I will; for this damsel is passing fair, and hath found grace in mine eyes. Mary, as thou art yet a stranger in this land, and just taken possession of this estate, the laws of society command thee to be on terms of amity with thy wealthy neighbours. _Lady Am._ Yea; but while I entertain the rich, the hearts of the poor shall also rejoice; I myself will now go forth into the adjacent hamlet, and invite all that cometh, to hearty cheer. _Eph._ Yea, I will distribute among the poor good books. _Lady Am._ And meat and drink too, friend Ephraim. In the fulness of plenty, they shall join in thanksgiving for those gifts of which I am so unworthy. [_Exeunt._ SCENE II. _A Road._ _Enter_ HARRY THUNDER, _and_ MIDGE _follows, calling_. _Midge._ I say, Dick Buskin! harkye, my lad! _Harry._ What keeps Rover? _Midge._ I'm sure I don't know. As you desired, I paid for our breakfast. But the devil's in that fellow; every inn we stop at, he will always hang behind, chattering to the bar-maid, or chambermaid. _Harry._ Or any, or no maid. But he's a worthy lad; and I love him better, I think, than my own brother, had I one. _Midge._ Oh! but, Dick, mind, my boy. _Harry._ Stop, Midge. Though 'twas my orders, when I set out on this scamper with the players, (the better to conceal my quality,) for you, before people, to treat me as your companion; yet, at the same time, you should have had discretion enough to remember, when we're alone, that I am still your master, and son to Sir George Thunder. _Midge._ Sir, I ask your pardon; but by making yourself my equal, I've got so used to familiarity, that I find it curst hard to shake it off. _Harry._ Well, sir, pray mind, that familiarity is all over now. My frolic's out, I now throw off the player, and shall directly return. My father must by this time, have heard of my departure from the academy at Portsmouth; and, though I was deluded away by my rage for a little acting, yet 'twas wrong of me to give the gay old fellow any cause of uneasiness. _Midge._ And, sir, shall you and I never act another scene together? Shall I never again play Colonel Standard for my own benefit? Never again have the pleasure of caning your honour in the character of Tom Errand. _Harry._ In future, act the part of a smart hat and coat brusher; or I shall have the honour of kicking you in the character of an idle puppy. You were a good servant; but I find, by letting you crack your jokes, and sit in my company, you're grown quite a rascal. _Midge._ Yes, sir, I was a modest, well behaved lad; but evil communication corrupts good manners. _Harry._ Begone, sirrah, 'till I call for you. [_Exit_ MIDGE, _grumbling_. _Harry._ Well, if my father but forgives me.--This three month's excursion has shewn me some life, and a devilish deal of fun. For one circumstance, I shall ever remember it with delight. Its bringing me acquainted with Jack Rover. How long he stays! Jack! In this forlorn stroller, I have discovered qualities that honour human nature, and accomplishments that might grace a prince. I don't know a pleasanter fellow, except when he gets to his abominable habit of quotation. I hope he will not find the purse I've hid in his coat pocket, before we part. I dread the moment, but it's come. _Rover._ [_Without._] "The brisk li-li-lightening I." _Harry._ Ay, here's the rattle. Hurried on by the impetuous flow of his own volatile spirits, his life is a rapid stream of extravagant whim; and while the serious voice of humanity prompts his heart to the best of actions, his features shine in laugh and levity. Studying Bays, eh, Jack? _Enter_ ROVER. _Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder." _Harry._ [_Aside._] I am, if he knew but all.--Keep one standing in the road. _Rover._ Beg your pardon, my dear Dick; but all the fault of--Plague on't, that a man can't sleep and breakfast at an inn, then return up to his bedchamber for his gloves that he'd forgot, but there he must find chambermaids, thumping feathers and knocking pillows about, and keep one when one has affairs and business. 'Pon my soul, these girls' conduct to us is intolerable. The very thought brings the blood into my face, and whenever they attempt to serve, provoke me so, damme but I will, I will--An't I right, Dick? _Harry._ No; "all in the wrong." _Rover._ No matter, Dick; that's the universal play "all round the wrekin:" but you are so conceited, because, by this company you're going to join at Winchester, you are engaged for high tragedy. _Harry._ And you for Rangers, Plumes, and Foppingtons. _Rover._ Our first play is Lear. I was devilish imperfect in Edgar, t'other night at Lymington. I must look it over. [_Takes out a book._] "Away, the foul fiend follows me!" Hollo! stop a moment, we shall have the whole county after us. [_Going._ _Harry._ What now? _Rover._ That rosy faced chambermaid put me in such a passion, that, by Heaven, I walked out of the house, and forgot to pay our bill. [_Going._ _Harry._ Never mind, Rover, it's paid. _Rover._ Paid! why, neither you nor Midge had money enough. No, really! _Harry._ Ha, ha, ha! I tell you 'tis. _Rover._ You paid? Oh, very well. Every honest fellow should be a stock purse. Come then, let's push on now. Ten miles to Winchester; we shall be there by eleven. _Harry._ Our trunks are booked at the inn for the Winchester coach. _Rover._ "Ay, to foreign climates my old trunk I bear." But I prefer walking to the car of Thespis. _Harry._ Which is the way? _Rover._ Here. _Harry._ Then, I go there. [_Pointing opposite._] _Rover._ Eh! _Harry._ My dear boy, on this spot, and at this moment, we must part. _Rover._ Part! _Harry._ Rover, you wish me well. _Rover._ Well, and suppose so. Part, eh! What mystery and grand? What are you at? Do you forget,--you, Midge, and I, are engaged to Truncheon, the manager, and that the bills are already up with our names to-night to play at Winchester? _Harry._ Jack, you and I have often met on a stage in assumed characters; if it's your wish we should ever meet again in our real ones, of sincere friends, without asking whither I go, or my motives for leaving you, when I walk up this road, do you turn down that. _Rover._ Joke! _Harry._ I'm serious. Good b'ye! _Rover._ If you repent your engagement with Truncheon, I'll break off too, and go with you wherever--[_Takes him under the arm._] _Harry._ Attempt to follow me, and even our acquaintance ends. _Rover._ Eh! _Harry._ Don't think of my reasons, only that it must be. _Rover._ Have I done any thing to Dick Buskin? leave me! [_Turns and puts his handkerchief to his eyes._] _Harry._ I am as much concerned as you to--Good b'ye! _Rover._ I can't even bid him--I won't neither--If any cause could have given--Farewell. _Harry._ Bless my poor fellow! Adieu. [_Silently weeps._] [_Exeunt several ways._ ACT THE SECOND. SCENE I. _A Village, a Farm House, and near it, a Cottage._ _Enter_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ EPHRAIM. _F. Gam._ Well, Master Ephraim, I may depend on thee, as you quakers never break your words. _Eph._ I have spoken to Mary, and she, at my request, consenteth to take thy daughter, Jane, as her handmaid. _F. Gam._ Very good of you. _Eph._ Goodness I do like, and also--comely Jane. [_Aside._] The maiden I will prefer, for the sake of--myself. [_Aside._] _F. Gam._ I intended to make a present to the person that does me such a piece of service; but I shan't affront you with it. _Eph._ I am meek and humble, and must take affronts. _F. Gam._ Then here's a guinea, master Ephraim. _Eph._ I expected not this; but there is no harm in a guinea. [_Exit._ _F. Gam._ So I shall get my children off my hands. My son, Sim, is robbing me day and night,--giving away my corn and what not among the poor.--My daughter Jane--when girls have nought to do, this love-mischief creeps into their minds, and then hey! they're for kicking up their heels.--Sim! [_Calling._] _Enter_ SIM. _Sim._ Yes, feyther. _F. Gam._ Call your sister. _Sim._ Jane, feyther wants you. _Enter_ JANE, _from the house, with linen she had been working_. _Jane._ Did you call me? _F. Gam._ I often told you both, (but it's now settled) you must go out into the world, and work for your bread. _Sim._ Well, feyther, whatever you think right, must be so, and I'm content. _Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, I'm willing to do as you'd have me. _F. Gam._ There's ingratitude for you! When my wife died, I brought you both up from the shell, and now you want to fly off and forsake me. _Sim._ Why no; I'm willing to live with you all my days. _Jane._ And I'm sure, feyther, if it's your desire I'll never part from you. _F. Gam._ What, you want to hang upon me like a couple of leeches, ay, to strip my branches, and leave me a wither'd hawthorn! See who's yon. [_Exit_ SIM. Jane, Ephraim Smooth has hired you for Lady Amaranth. _Jane._ O lack! then I shall live in the great house. _F. Gam._ She has sent us all presents of good books, [_Gives her one._] to read a chapter in. That, when one's in a passion, gives a mon patience. _Jane._ Thank her good ladyship. _F. Gam._ My being incumbred with you both is the cause why old Banks won't give me his sister. _Jane._ That's a pity. If we must have a step-mother, Madam Amelia would make us a very good one. But I wonder how she can refuse you, feyther, for I'm sure she must think you a very portly man in your scarlet vest and new scratch. You can't think how parsonable you'd look, if you'd only shave twice a week, and put sixpence in the poor-box. [_Retires reading._] _F. Gam._ However, if Banks still refuses, I have him in my power. I'll turn them both out of their cottage yonder, and the bailiff shall provide them with a lodging. _Enter_ BANKS. Well, neighbour Banks, once for all, am I to marry your sister? _Banks._ That she best knows. _F. Gam._ Ay, but she says she won't. _Banks._ Then I dare say she won't, for though a woman, I never knew her to speak what she didn't think. _F. Gam._ Then she won't have me? A fine thing this, that you and she, who are little better than paupers, dare be so damn'd saucy! _Banks._ Why, farmer, I confess we're poor: but while that's the worst our enemies can say of us, we're content. _F. Gam._ Od, dom it! I wish I had now a good, fair occasion to quarrel with him; I'd make him content with a devil to him; I'd knock'en down, send him to jail and--But I'll be up with him! _Enter_ SIM. _Sim._ Oh, feyther, here's one Mr. Lamp, a ring-leader of showfolks come from Andover to act in our village. He wants a barn to play in, if you'll hire him yourn. _F. Gam._ Surely, boy. I'll never refuse money. But, lest he should engage the great room in the inn, run thou and tell him--Stop, I'll go myself--A short cut through that garden.-- _Banks._ Why you, or any neighbour is welcome to walk in it, or to partake of what it produces, but making it a common thoroughfare is-- _F. Gam._ Here, Sim, kick open that garden gate. _Banks._ What? _F. Gam._ Does the lad hear? _Sim._ Why yes, yes. _F. Gam._ Does the fool understand. _Sim._ Dang it, I'm as yet but young; but if understanding teaches me how to wrong my neighbour, I hope I may never live to years of discretion. _F. Gam._ What, you cur, do you disobey your feyther? Burst open the garden gate, as I command you. _Sim._ Feyther, he, that made both you and the garden, commands me not to injure the unfortunate. _F. Gam._ Here's an ungracious rogue! Then I must do it myself. [_Advances._] _Banks._ [_Stands before it._] Hold, neighbour. Small as this spot is, it's now my only possession: and the man shall first take my life, who sets a foot in it against my will. _F. Gam._ I'm in such a passion.-- _Jane._ [_Comes forward._] Feyther, if you're in a passion, read the good book you gave me. _F. Gam._ Plague of the wench! But, you hussey, I'll--and you, you unlucky bird! [_Exit_ SIM _and_ JANE. [_A shower of rain._]--_Enter_ ROVER _hastily_. _Rover._ Zounds! here's a pelting shower, and no shelter! "Poor Tom's a-cold;" I'm wet through--Oh, here's a fair promising house. [_Going to Gammon's._] _F. Gam._ [_Stops him._] Hold, my lad. Can't let folks in, till I know who are they. There's a public house not above a mile on. _Banks._ Step in here, young man; my fire is small, but it shall cheer you with a hearty welcome. _Rover._ [_To_ BANKS.] The poor cottager! [_To_ GAMMON.] And the substantial farmer! [_Kneels._] "Hear, Nature, dear goddess, hear! If ever you designed to make his corn-fields fruitful, change thy purpose; that, from the blighted ear no grain may fall to fat his _stubble goose_--and, when to town he drives his hogs, so like himself, oh, let him feel the soaking rain; then may he curse his crime too late, and know how sharper than a serpent's tooth 'tis"--Damme, but I'm spouting in the rain all this time. [_Jumps up, and runs into_ BANKS'S. _F. Gam._ Ay, neighbour, you'll soon scratch a beggar's head, if you harbour every mad vagrant. This may be one of the footpads, that, it seems, have got about the country; but I'll have an execution, and seize on thy goods, this day, my charitable neighbour! Eh, the sun strikes out, quite cleared up. _Enter_ JANE. _Jane._ La, feyther, if there is'nt coming down the village-- _F. Gam._ Ah, thou hussey! _Jane._ Bless me, feyther! No time for anger now. Here's Lady Amaranth's chariot, drawn by her new grand long-tailed horses.--La! it stops. _F. Gam._ Her ladyship is coming out, and walks this way.--She may wish to rest herself in my house. Jane, we must always make rich folks welcome. _Jane._ Dear me, I'll run in and set things to rights. But, feyther, your cravat and wig are all got so rumplified with your cross-grained tantarums.--I'll tie your neck in a big beau, and for your wig, if there is any flour in the drudging box--[_Adjusts them, and runs into the house._] _F. Gam._ Oh! the bailiff too that I engaged. _Enter_ TWITCH. _Twitch._ Well, Master Gammon, as you desir'd, I'm come to serve this here warrant of yours, and arrest Master Banks; where is he? _F. Gam._ Yes, now I be's determined on't--he's--zounds! stand aside, I'll speak to you anon. [_Looking out._] _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, ZACHARIAH _following_. _Lady Am._ Friend, Jane, whom I have taken to be my handmaid, is thy daughter? _F. Gam._ Ay, so her mother said, an't please your ladyship. _Lady Am._ Ephraim Smooth acquainteth me thou art a wealthy yeoman. _F. Gam._ Why, my lady, I pay my rent. _Lady Am._ Being yet a stranger on my estate around here, I have passed through thy hamlet to behold with mine own eye the distresses of my poor tenants. I wish to relieve their wants. _F. Gam._ Right, your ladyship: for charity hides a deal of sins. How good of you to think of the poor! that's so like me; I'm always contriving how to relieve my neighbours--you must lay Banks in jail to-night. [_Apart to_ TWITCH.] _Enter_ JANE. _Jane._ A'nt please you, will your ladyship enter our humble dwelling, and rest your ladyship in feyther's great cane bottom'd elbow chair with a high back. [_Curtsies._] _F. Gam._ Do, my lady. To receive so great a body from her own chariot is an honour I dreamt not of; though, for the hungry and weary foot traveller, my doors are always open, and my morsel ready. Knock; when he comes out, touch him. [_Aside to_ TWITCH.] _Lady Am._ Thou art benevolent, and I will enter thy dwelling with satisfaction. _Jane._ O precious! This way, my lady. [_Exeunt all but_ TWITCH. _Twitch._ Eh, where's the warrant? [_Feels his pocket, and knocks at_ BANKS'S _door_.] _Enter_ BANKS. _Banks._ Master Twitch! What's your business with me? _Twitch._ Only a little affair here against you. _Banks._ Me! _Twitch._ Yes; Farmer Gammon has bought a thirty pound note of hand of yours. _Banks._ Indeed! Well, I didn't think his malice could have stretched so far--I thought the love, he professed for my sister, might--why, it is true, Master Twitch, to lend our indigent cottagers small sums when they've been unable to pay their rents, I got lawyer Quirk to procure me this money, and hoped their industry would have put it in my power to take up my note before now. However, I'll go round and try what they can do, then call on you and settle it. _Twitch._ You must go with me. _Rover._ [_Without._] Old gentleman, come quick, or I'll draw another bottle of your currant wine. _Twitch._ You'd best not make a noise, but come. [_To_ BANKS.] _Enter_ ROVER. _Rover._ Oh, you're here? Rain over--quite fine--I'll take a sniff of the open air too--Eh, what's the matter? _Twitch._ What's that to you? _Rover._ What's that to me? Why, you're a very unmannerly-- _Twitch._ Oh, here's a rescue! _Banks._ Nay, my dear sir, I'd wish you not to bring yourself into trouble about me. _Twitch._ Now, since you don't know what's civil, if the debt's not paid directly, to jail you go. _Rover._ My kind, hospitable good old man to jail! What's the amount, you scoundrel. _Twitch._ Better words, or I'll-- _Rover._ Stop; utter you a word good or bad, except to tell me what's your demand upon this gentleman, and I'll give you the greatest beating you ever got since the hour you commenced rascal. [_In a low tone._] _Twitch._ Why, master, I don't want to quarrel with you, because-- _Rover._ You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest man living? _Twitch._ Who, pray? _Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came there. [_Aside, and takes it out._] There's twenty pictures of his majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject; [_Takes Banks away._] and now who am I? Ah, ah! _Twitch._ Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper I'll take this and your bail. _Rover._ Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done! _Enter_ GAMMON. Ah, here's old hospitality! I know you've a house, though your fire side was too warm for me. Lookye, here's some rapacious, griping rascal, has had this worthy gentleman arrested. Now a certain, good-for-nothing, rattling fellow has paid twenty guineas; you pass your word for the other nine, we'll step back into the old gentleman's friendly house, and over his currant wine, our first toast shall be, liberty to the honest debtor, and confusion to the hard hearted creditor. _Gam._ I shan't. _Rover._ Shan't! What's your name? _F. Gam._ Gammon. _Rover._ Gammon! Dem'me, you're the Hampshire hog. [_Exit_ F. GAMMON. 'Sdeath! How shall I do to extricate--? I wish I had another purse in my waistcoat pocket. _Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _from_ GAMMON'S, ZACHARIAH _following_. _Lady Am._ What tumult's this? _Rover._ A lady! Ma'am, your most obedient humble servant. [_Bows._] A quaker too! They are generally kind and humane, and that face is the prologue to a play of a thousand good acts--may be she'd help us here. [_Aside._] Ma'am, you must know that--that I--no--this gentleman--I mean this gentleman and I--He got a little behind hand, as every honest, well principled man often may, from--bad harvests and rains--lodging corn--and his cattle--from murrain, and--rot the murrain! you know this is the way all this affair happened, [_To Banks._] and then up steps this gentleman, [_To Twitch._] with a--a tip in his way--madam, you understand? And then in steps I--with my a--In short, madam, I am the worst story teller in the world, where myself is the hero of the tale. _Twitch._ Mr. Banks has been arrested for thirty pounds, and this gentleman has paid twenty guineas of the debt. _Banks._ My litigious neighbour to expose me thus! _Lady Am._ The young man and maiden within, have spoken well of thy sister, and pictured thee as a man of irreproachable morals, though unfortunate. _Rover._ Madam, he's the honestest fellow--I've known him above forty years, he has the best hand at stirring a fire--If you was only to taste his currant wine. _Banks._ Madam, I never aspired to an enviable rank in life: but hitherto pride and prudence kept me above the reach of pity: but obligations from a stranger-- _Lady Am._ He really a stranger, and attempt to free thee? But, friend, [_To Rover._] thou hast assumed a right which here belongeth alone to me. As I enjoy the blessings which these lands produce, I own also the heart delighting privilege of dispensing those blessings to the wretched. Thou mad'st thyself my worldly banker, and no cash of mine in thine hands, [_Takes a note from a pocket book._] but thus I balance our account. [_Offers it._] _Rover._ "Madam, my master pays me, nor can I take money from another hand, without injuring his honour, and disobeying his commands." "Run, run, Orlando, carve on every tree, The fair, the chaste, the unexpressive she." [_Runs off._ _Banks._ But, sir, I insist you'll return him his money. [_To Twitch._] Stop! [_Going._] _Twitch._ Aye, stop! [_Holds the skirt of his coat._] _Lady Am._ Where dwelleth he? _Banks._ I fancy, where he can, madam. I understand, from his discourse, that he was on his way to join a company of actors in the next town. _Lady Am._ A profane stage-player with such a gentle, generous heart! Yet so whimsically wild, like the unconscious rose, modestly shrinking from the recollection of its own grace and sweetness. _Enter_ JANE, _from the house, more dressed_. _Jane._ Now, my lady, I'm fit to attend your ladyship. I look so genteelish, mayhap her ladyship may take me home with her. _Lady Am._ This maiden may find out for me whither he goeth. [_Aside._] Call on my steward, and thy legal demands shall be satisfied. [_To Twitch._] _Jane._ Here, coachman, drive up my lady's chariot, nearer to our door. [_Calls off._] Charott! If she'd take me with her, la! how all the folks will stare. [_Aside._] Madam, though the roads are so very dusty, I'll walk all the way on foot to your ladyship's house--ay, though I should spoil my bran new petticoat. _Lady Am._ Rather than sully thy garment, thou shalt be seated by me. Friend, be cheerful; thine and thy sister's sorrows shall be but an April shower. _Jane._ Oh, your ladyship!--Ecod, if I didn't think so--[_Aside._] _Enter_ SIM. Here, you Sim, order the charott for us. _Sim._ Us! Come, come, Jane, I've the little tilt cart to carry you. _Jane._ Cart! [_Exeunt severally._ SCENE II. _Before an Inn._ _Enter_ ROVER _and_ WAITER. _Rover._ Hillo! friend, when does the coach set out for London? _Waiter._ In about an hour, sir. _Rover._ Has the Winchester coach passed? _Waiter._ No, sir. [_Exit._ _Rover._ That's lucky! Then my trunk is here still. Go I will not. Since I've lost the fellowship of my friend Dick, I'll travel no more, I'll try a London audience, who knows but I may get an engagement. This celestial lady quaker! She must be rich, and ridiculous for such a poor dog as I am, even to think of her. How Dick would laugh at me if he knew--I dare say by this she has released my kind host from the gripe--I should like to be certain, though. _Enter_ LANDLORD. _Land._ You'll dine here, sir? I'm honest Bob Johnstone; kept the Sun these twenty years. Excellent dinner on table at two. _Rover._ "Yet my love indeed is appetite; I'm as hungry as the sea, and can digest as much." _Land._ Then you won't do for my shilling ordinary, sir; there's a very good ordinary at the Saracen's head, at the end of the town. Shou'dn't have thought indeed, hungry foot travellers to eat like----coming, sir. [_Exit._ _Rover._ I'll not join this company at Winchester. I will take a touch at a London theatre. The public there are candid and generous, and before my merit can have time to create enemies, I'll save money, and,--"a fig for the Sultan and Sophy." _Enter_ JANE, _at the back, and_ SIM, _watching her_. _Jane._ Ay, that's he! _Rover._ But if I fail, by Heaven I'll overwhelm the manager, his empire, and--"himself in one prodigious ruin." _Jane._ Ruin! Oh Lord! [_Runs back._] _Sim._ What can you expect, when you follow young men? I've dodg'd you all the way. _Jane._ Well! wasn't I sent? _Sim._ Oh yes, you were sent--very likely. Who sent you? _Jane._ It was--I won't tell it's my lady, 'cause she bid me not. [_Aside._] _Sim._ I'll keep you from sheame--a fine life I should have in the parish, rare fleering, if a sister of moine should stand some Sunday at church in a white sheet, and to all their flouts what could I say? _Rover._ Thus, "I say my sister's wrong'd, my sister _Blowsabella_, born as high and noble as the _attorney_--do her justice, or by the gods I'll lay a scene of blood, shall make this _haymow_ horrible to Beebles."--"Say that, Chamont." _Sim._ I believe it's full moon. You go hoame to your place, and moind your business. _Jane._ My lady will be so pleas'd I found him! I don't wonder at it, he's such a fine spoken man. _Sim._ Dang it! Will you stand here grinning at the wild bucks. _Jane._ Perhaps the gentleman might wish to send her ladyship a compliment. An't please you, sir, if it's even a kiss between us two, it shall go safe; for, though you should give it me, brother Sim then can take it to my lady. _Rover._ "I kiss'd thee e'er I kill'd thee." _Jane._ Kill me! _Rover._ "No way but this, killing myself to die upon a kiss!" [_Advancing._] _Sim._ Go! [_To Jane--puts her out._] _Rover._ "Ay; to a nunnery go to." I'm cursedly out of spirits; but hang sorrow, I may as well divert myself.--"'Tis meat and drink for me to see a clown."--"Shepherd, was't ever at Court?" _Sim._ Not I. _Rover._ "Then thou art damn'd." _Sim._ Eh! _Rover._ Ay, "thou art damn'd like an ill roasted egg--all on one side."--Little Hospitality. [_Looking out._ _Enter_ FARMER GAMMON. _F. Gam._ Eh, where's the showman, that wants to hire my barn? So, Madam Jane, I place her out to sarvice, and instead of attending her mistress, she gets gallopping all about the village.--How's this, son? _Rover._ "Your son? Young Clodpate, take him to your wheat stack, and there teach him manners." _F. Gam._ Ah, thou'rt the fellow that would bolt out of the dirty roads into people's houses. Ho, ho, ho! Sim's schooling is mightily thrown away if he hasn't more manners than thou. _Sim._ Why, feyther, it is! Gadzooks, he be one of the play! Acted Tom Fool, in King Larry, at Lymington, t'other night--I thought I know'd the face, thof he had a straw cap, and a blanket about'n--Ho, ho! how comical that was when you said-- _Rover._ "Pillicock sat upon Pillicock hill, pil--i--loo, loo!" _Sim._ That's it! He's at it! [_Claps._] Laugh, feyther. _F. Gam._ Hold your tongue, boy! I believe he's no better than he should be. The moment I saw him, says I to myself, _you are a rogue_. _Rover._ There you spoke truth for once in your life. _F. Gam._ I'm glad to hear you confess it. But her ladyship shall have the vagrants whipp'd out of the country. _Rover._ Vagrant! "Thou wretch! despite o'erwhelm thee!" "Only squint, and, by Heaven, I'll beat thy blown body till it rebounds like a tennis ball." _Sim._ Beat my feyther! No, no. Thou must first beat me. [_Puts himself in a posture of defence._] _Rover._ [_Aside, with great feeling._] "Though love cool, friendship fall off, brothers divide, subjects rebel, oh! never let the sacred bond be crack'd 'twixt son and father!"--I never knew a father's protection, never had a father to protect. [_Puts his handkerchief to his eyes._] _Sim._ Ecod! he's not acting now! _Enter_ LANDLORD, _with a book, pen, and ink_. _F. Gam._ Landlord, is this Mr. Lamp here? _Land._ I've just opened a bottle for him and t'other in the parlour. _Rover._ "Go, father, with thy son; give him a livery more guarded than his fellows." _Sim._ Livery! Why, I be no sarvant man, though sister Jane is. Gi's thy hand. [_To Rover._] I don't know how 'tis; but I think I could lose my life for him; but mustn't let feyther be lickt though--No, no! [_Going, turns and looks at Rover._] Ecod, I ne'er shall forget Pillicock! [_Exeunt_ FARMER GAMMON _and_ SIM. _Rover._ Thou art an honest reptile, I'll make my entrée on the London boards in Bayes, yes, I shall have no comparison against me. "Egad, it's very hard that a gentleman and an author can't come to teach them, but he must break his nose, and--and--all that--but--so the players are gone to dinner." _Land._ No such people frequent the Sun, I assure you. _Rover._ "Sun, moon, and stars!"--Now mind the eclipse, Mr. Johnson. _Land._ I heard nothing of it, sir. _Rover._ "There's the sun between the earth and moon--there's the moon between the earth and the sun, tol, lol, lol! dance the hay! Luna means to show her tail." _Enter_ WAITER. _Waiter._ Two gentlemen in the parlour would speak with you. _Rover._ "I attend them, were they twenty times our mother." _Waiter._ Your mother, sir! why it is two gentlemen. _Rover._ Say I attend them with all respect and duty. [_Exit Waiter._ _Land._ Sir, you go in the stage; as we book the passengers, what name? _Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder." [_Exit._ _Land._ [_Writing._] Mr. Thunder. _Enter_ JOHN DORY. _John._ I want two places in the stage coach, because I and another gentleman are going a voyage. _Land._ Just two vacant; what name? _John._ Avast! I go aloft. But let's see who'll be my master's messmates in the cabin: [_Reads._] Captain Muccolah, Counsellor Fazacherly, Miss Gosling, Mr. Thunder. What's this? speak, man! is there one of that name going? _Land._ Booked him this minute. _John._ If our voyage should now be at an end before we begin it?--If this Mr. Thunder should be my master's son!--What rate is this vessel? _Land._ Rate! _John._ What sort of a gentleman is he? _Land._ Oh; a rum sort of a gentleman; I suspect he's one of the players. _John._ True; Sam said it was some player's people coaxed him away from Portsmouth school. It must be the 'squire--show me where he's moored, my old purser. [_Exit, singing, and_ LANDLORD _following_. SCENE III. _A Room in the Inn._ LAMP _and_ TRAP [_discovered drinking._] _Trap._ This same Farmer Gammon seems a surly spark. _Lamp._ No matter. His barn will hold a good thirty pounds, and if I can but engage this young fellow, this Rover, he'll cram it every night he plays. He's certainly a devilish good actor. Now, Trap, you must enquire out a carpenter, and be brisk about the building. I think we shall have smart business, as we stand so well for pretty women, too. Oh, here he is! _Trap._ Snap him at any terms. _Enter_ ROVER. _Rover._ Gentlemen, your most obedient--The waiter told me-- _Lamp._ Sir, to our better acquaintance. [_Fills._] _Rover._ I don't recollect I have the honour of knowing-- _Lamp._ Mr. Rover, though I am a stranger to you, your merit is none to me. _Rover._ Sir. [_Bows._] _Lamp._ Yes, sir, my name is Lamp: I am manager of the company of comedians that's come down here, and Mr. Trap is my treasurer, engages performers, sticks bills, finds properties, keeps box-books, prompts play, and takes the town. _Trap._ The most reputable company, and charming money getting circuit. [_Apart to Rover._] _Rover._ Hav'n't a doubt, sir. _Lamp._ Only suffer me to put up your name to play with us six nights, and twelve guineas are yours. _Rover._ Sir, I thank you, and must confess your offer is liberal; but my friends have flattered me into a sort of opinion that encourages me to take a touch at the capital. _Lamp._ Ah, my dear Mr. Rover, a London theatre is dangerous ground. _Rover._ Why, I may fail, and gods may groan, and ladies drawl, "La, what an awkward creature!" But should I top my part, then shall gods applaud, and ladies sigh, "The charming fellow!" and treasurers smile upon me, as they count the shining guineas! _Lamp._ But, suppose-- _Rover._ Ay, suppose the contrary, I have a certain friend here, in my coat pocket [_Puts his hand in his pocket._] Eh! zounds! where is--oh, the devil! I gave it to discharge
{'title': "Wild Oats; or, The Strolling Gentlemen by John O'Keeffe", 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}