Produced by David Edwards, Joke Van Dorst and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) JOE MILLERâS JESTS, WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS. EDITED BY FRANK BELLEW. COPY OF THE TITLE-PAGE TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION. JOE MILLERâS JESTS; OR, THE WITâS VADE-MECUM: being a collection of the most brilliant Jests; the politest _Repartees_; the most elegant _Bon mots_, and most pleasant short Stories in the _English_ language. First carefully collected in the company, and many of them transcribed from the mouth of the Facetious _Gentleman_, whose name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable friend and former companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq. Most humbly inscribed to those Choice Spirits of the Age, Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer. London: Printed and sold by T. Read, in Dogwell Court, Whiteâs Fryars, Fleet Street. MDCCXXXIX. PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE OF THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE, 39 PARK ROW, NEW-YORK. 1865. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by A. BELLEW, In the Clerkâs Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New-York. PREFACE. A few years ago, at a dinner party in England, a very good story was told by one of the company, who represented the hero of the anecdote as a well-known nobleman then living. This story was immediately pronounced to be an âold Joe.â On this, a warm discussion took place, when it came out incidentally, that not one of those present had ever seen the book so familiarly referred to. This discovery aroused the curiosity of one of the party, who immediately resolved to procure a copy of the workâa most difficult and costly matter. Having procured the book, he decided to republish it for the benefit of his benighted fellow-countrymen, and the following volume is the result. A singular fact connected with this work is, that every body presumes that he himself, and every other person, is perfectly familiar with its contents; and yet, if the reader will ask his friends, it will appear that not one in a thousand ever set eyes on a copy; indeed, we doubt much whether there are a dozen persons in the United States who have ever seen the work. Mr. Joseph Millerâor Joe Miller, as he is generally called, with a familiarity that smacks of immortalityâwhose name as a wit is now current wherever the English language is spoken, was, when living, himself a jest for dulness, so that his name appended to this work is what Mr. Artemus Ward would call âsarkasum.â According to report, Miller, who _was_ an excellent comic actor, but taciturn and saturnine, âwas in the habit of spending his afternoons at the _Black Jack_, a well-known public-house in Portsmouth street, Clare Market, which at that time was frequented by the most respectable tradesmen in the neighborhood, who, from Joeâs imperturbable gravity, whenever any risible saying was recounted, ironically ascribed it to him. After his death, having left his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of this _badinage_. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of that day, was employed to collect all the stray jests, then current on town. Joe Millerâs name was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man who never uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past and present, and doubtless through future ages will receive credit for all the good things that may be said by the grandchildren of those youngsters who now collect â and our knees, and, in the innocence of their hearts, never suspect (that which they will, alas! discover in after years) that we have been palming off on them âOld Joeâs,â as the production of our own unparalleled humor. Fathers may well dread the effect this book may have on the filial respect of their sons a generation hence, when they will cease to be the respected wits and become the beloved impostors. This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large number of others, gathered from collections of FacetiÃ¦ previously and since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it will be sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight jokes comprise the whole of the genuine edition. When we look at the reputation of this Miller, we must needs be deeply impressed with the capriciousness of the character of Fame. A hero or a martyr diesâshe gives one small toot and hangs up her horn. But some obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away in his honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacityâGeorge of England is advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller as a wit. For aught we can tell to the contrary, our great-grandchildren may honor the name of Greeley as a leader of fashion. They may speak of him as Dandy Horace or Beau Greeleyâtailors may adorn their magazines of fashion with his portrait. Miles OâReilly may be canonized, and Artemus Ward handed down to posterity as a general officer in the confederate army. JOE MILLERâS JESTS. 1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things than anybody, being behind the scenes the first night of the Beggarsâ Opera, and meeting Cibber there, Well, Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggarsâ Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the stage; but how will it do in print? O! very well, Iâll answer for it, said the duke, if you donât write a preface to it.[1] [1] See Cibberâs preface to Provoked Husband. 2. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury Lane play-house, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the stage to say something to pacify the audience, had an orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up, making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, said he. 3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, âBuy my souls, buy my maids.â Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maidâs too? 4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more crooked word, heâd beat her brains out. Why then, ramâs-horns, you rogue, said she, if I die for it. 5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the lawyers used to club their threepence a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster; and being called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two others in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive to Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding his door open, as if he waited for more company, one of the gentleman asked him, why he did not shut the door, and go on? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, You know, master, my fareâs a shilling; I canât go for ninepence. 6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, that was a little decayed in the world, That if he would print their works, they would set him up; and, indeed, they were as good as their word, for in six weeks time he was in the pillory. 7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, whoâs that? I have heard of all the generals in Europe but him. 8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powel, another player, received from him a smart box on the ear; a few days after, the poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making strict inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said another of the buskined wits, that which George Powel gave you the other night? 9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from a mean beginning, happening to have some words with a person who had known him some time, was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself so many airs, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years before with hardly a rag to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones, seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back. 10. Lord Râ having lost fifty pistoles one night at the gaming-table in Dublin, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck: Faith, said he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them, there is not one pistole that donât want six-pence of weight. 11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. Câm, who is, without dispute, a good player, though exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park; being desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, and had not one bit of pale about it. 12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the learned John Scott, asked him, What difference there was between Scott and Sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other. 13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy to write like a madman, as he did? No, answered Nat; but it is easy to write like a fool, as you do. 14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now and then said a good thing, being told one night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him hanged or beggared very soon: If I had your graceâs politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect both. 15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daughters, his wife earnestly praying that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy, who, when he came to manâs estate, proved but simple: Thou prayedst so long for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou hast got one who will be a boy as long as he lives. 16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being pressed by the counsel of the party, for a longer day to perform a decree, said, Take St. Barnabyâs Day, the longest in the year, which happened to be next week. 17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap, that, I think, is my upper garment. 18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay on his death-bed, he could not help jesting at the very last moment; for, having received the extreme unction, a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepared for the next world: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I am ready for my journey now; they have just greased my boots. 19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish officer, âHere lies the body of Don &c. &c., who never knew what fear was.â Then, said the king, he never snuffed a candle with his fingers. 20. A certain member of the French Academy, who was no great friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one day took the seat that was commonly used by the abbot, and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by that time come in: Here is a place, said he, gentlemen, from whence I am likely to utter a thousand impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, thereâs one already. 21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at one time to be pretty much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard; the fellow mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. Oh! said the knight, no matter for that, speak anything that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, says the fellow, we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny of money: pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?âVery well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I donât admire your subject. 22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, I canât read. I dare say, said the parson, you donât know who made you. Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same time, Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, answered the boy. Why, look you there, quoth the honest clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman, it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but tâother day, it is a great while, master, sinâ I was made. 23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was complaining to another, that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it. 24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was near ended. Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse. 25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who going along the Mews one day, a beggar-woman followed him, crying, Ah! God preserve your eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good woman, said he, do you pray so much for my eye-sight? Ah! dear sir, answered the woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on. 26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His fatherâs effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the same monument with Squire Thynneâs; for he was his coachman. 27. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Samson was a very strong man. Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders. 28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain bishop that sat at his table, that Balaamâs ass spoke because he was priâestâ Priest-rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him. 29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at the bottom of his table, why the goose, if there was one, was always placed next to the parson? Really, said he, I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking of your lordship. 30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor devil Sâge could live, now my Lord Tâl had turned him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That is living upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first. 31. A country parson having divided his text under two and twenty heads, one of the congregation went out of the church in a great hurry, and being met by a friend, he asked him, whither he was going? Home for my night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to stay here all night. 32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing stones at him. Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you. 33. A certain senator, who, it may be, is not esteemed the wisest man in the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head when another speaks; which, giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the house, It was only an ill habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his head, there was nothing in it. 34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person whose promises he had not much faith in, was very much surprised to find, that he punctually kept his word with him; the same gentleman being some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, said the other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shanât do it a second time. 35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his warrant, one of the French prophets, a foolish sect, that started up in his time, to prison; upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers, came one day to my lordâs house, and desired to speak with him; the servants told him, he was not well, and saw no company that day: But tell him, said Lacy, I must see him; for I come to him from the Lord; which being told the Chief Justice, he ordered him to come in, and asked him his business: I come, said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a _nolle prosequi_ for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into prison. Thou art a false prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave; for if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attorney General; he knows it is not in my power to grant a _nolle prosequi_. 36. Tom Bârnât happening to be at dinner at my Lord Mayorâs, in the latter part of Queen Anneâs reign, after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted; but when it came to Tomâs turn to drink, he diverted it for some time by telling a story to the person who sat next him; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry? At nothing, said Tom, and so drank off his glass. 37. My Lord Craven, in King James the Firstâs reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lordâs house; but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired to see him. You, friend? said my lord, who are you? Ben Jonson, replied the other. No, no, quoth my lord, you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, cried Ben. Very well, said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at the affront, I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson. 38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he had every sense in perfection. There is one you are quite without, said one who was by, and that is common sense. 39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left these directions written, and put in the key-hole of his chamber door: I am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you canât read this note, carry it down to the stationerâs, and he will read it for you. 40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many plays, going by a brandy-shop in St. Paulâs Church Yard, the man who kept it came out to him, and desired him to drink a dram. For what reason? said he. Because you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, said the old gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, and I will drink a dram with thee: but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it: âSdeath, Sir, said the bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a dramatic poet? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but I did not think you had been a dram-oâtick poet. 41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his, having a desire to drink a glass of wine together, upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door shut, they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have? Why, open your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine: the drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a precise coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too? 42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained they were too short. The drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in. Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very long. 43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a great punster, was desired one night in company, by a gentleman, to make a pun extempore. Upon what subject? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The king, sir, said he, is no subject. 44. Gâs Eâl, who, though he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid covetousness, told Cibber one night in the green room, that he was going out of town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah! said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why so? said the other. Because then, cried the laureat, I should be sure you loved me. 45. Lord Câby, coming out of the House of Lords one day, called out, Whereâs my fellow? Not in England, said a gentleman who stood by. 46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself asked him a question in Latin; the fellow, shaking his head, said, he did not understand him. Why, said the gentleman, did you not say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin. 47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player was young and handsome, Lord North and Grey, remarkable for his homely face, accosting her one night behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a cure for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I know in the world. 48. Colonel ââ, who made the fine fireworks in St. Jamesâs Square, upon the peace of Ryswick, being in company with some ladies, was highly commending the epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcellâs monumentââHe is gone to that place where only his own harmony can be exceeded.â Well, Colonel, said one of the ladies, the same epitaph might serve for you, by altering one word only: âHe is gone to that place where only his own fireworks can be exceeded?â 49. Sir Bâchâr Wây, in the beginning of Queen Anneâs reign, and three or four more drunken tories, reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of the church. No, said a whig, that happened to be in their company, you can be but the buttresses, for you never come on the inside of it. 50. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high. A Gloucestershire gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran over to her in great haste; Lord, madam, said he, how dare you to walk the streets thus publicly? Walk the streets! and why not? answered the little woman. Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parliament: you are but two stories high. 51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that if he was living now, he might be shewn at Yeateâs theatre for a sight. This gentleman going one day to inquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No, Sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, Iâll go and call him. 52. The same gentleman walking across Covent Garden, was asked by a beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or farthing; but finding he would not part with his money, she begged he would give her one of his old shoes. He was very desirous to know what she could do with one shoe. To make my child a cradle, sir, said she. 53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made, just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majestyâs subjects, the other for the money they would give him. 54. My Lord Bâ had married three wives, who were all his servants; a beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time. 55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump, through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah, bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather. 56. An arch wag, of St. Johnâs College, asked another of the same College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author called Go-Clenius. 57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in the beginning of King Williamâs reign, on a very rainy day, a hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, wonât you please to take coach? it rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to take coach in. 58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the commonwealth are on different sides. 59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the Firstâs judges, died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance. 60. Mr. Serjeant Gâd, being lame of one leg, and pleading before Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little patience, and Iâll warrant I prove everything as plain as the nose on your face. 61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer, replied he. 62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Popeâs chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell. 63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friendâs house, the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he? said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.âI would not have any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a friendâs house. 64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other. 65. The Chaplainâs boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said the first, thereâs some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard. 66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to take care of the ship, I am but a passenger. 67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist me, Iâll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said he, weâll go and sell this old fellowâs ass at Abingdon; for you know the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus metamorphosed. Oh! for Godâs sake, said the scholar, take this bridle out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here? replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg you will let me go home and thank him.âBy all means, said the crockery merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled again already? No, no, Iâll have nothing to say to him. 68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised. 69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way, being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I donât know, said the first, what estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town. 70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Buttonâs Coffee-house, said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when Iâll hold you five guineas you canât say the Lordâs Prayer. Done, said the other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it. 71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore. 72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders. 73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness: Happy are they that did not hear your sermon. 74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivenerâs, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell here?âLoggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman; egad, then youâve a special trade; for I see you have but one left. 75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, âHonores mutant Mores.â No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in English, âHonors change Manners.â 76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrierâs house, he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to jail without bail or mainprize. 77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, Iâm afraid thereâs no coleâ(which is a cant word for money). Then, said Spiller, if thereâs no cole we must burn Wood. 78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin. After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all expedition. 79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet; which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks: As Lambeth prayâd, such was the dire event, Else had we wanted now this monument; That God unto our fleet would be a rock, Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock: To what the Metropolitan said then, The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen. 80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger Williamsâs, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the shirt to it. 81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson, of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough. 82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honor several times to represent your majestyâs person. 83. A ladyâs age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion: Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years. 84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he, must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of public affairs. 85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a manâs name was really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L. 86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the cardinal to him, Iâll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen. 87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at RomeâNo, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has. 88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one. 89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil: Mantua, vÃ¦ miserÃ¦ nimium vicina CremonÃ¦! Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona. 90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church, it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch, who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure; adding these following lines: He that a watch will wear, this must he do, Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. 91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind, told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majestyâs enemies make the same complaint. 92. Mr. Gân, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow donât set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he returns. 93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a bishop. 94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer, saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he, that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which. 95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then attended by one of his brotherâs men, the man earnestly entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood. 96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude. 97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another parish. 98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would have died in the fall. 99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead of any fish. 100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, Iâll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet. 101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory. 102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he
{'title': "Joe Miller's Jests, with Copious Additions by Mottley, Miller, and Bellew", 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}