_CHRISTMAS CHAT:_ OR, OBSERVATIONS On the Late CHANGE at COURT, On the different Characters of the INS and OUTS; And on the Present STATE of PUBLICK AFFAIRS. A _DIALOGUE_ Spoke at the Country Seat of one of the _New Ministry_, in the late Holy Days, the Day before his Re-election; _BETWEEN_ Mr. BROADBOTTOM, Mr. OVERALL, Mr. ROSEBAND, Sir JOHN PROBEUM, Mr. SMOOTHWELL, & Mr. BLUNT. --------------------------------------------------------- __LONDON__: Printed for M. COOPER, at the Globe in _Paternoster Row_; 1745. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Illustration] _CHRISTMAS CHAT:_ OR, OBSERVATIONS On the Late CHANGE at COURT, A _DIALOGUE_ ------------------------------------------- _Broadbottom_, Sir _John Probeum_, _Overall_, _Roseband_, _Blunt_, and _Smoothwell_, sitting round a Table at _Broadbottomâs_ House. _Overall_. TRUCE with Politics, I beseech you, Gentlemen.ââI gad! âtis unconscionable to lecture a Man thus at his own House. _Broadbottom_. By no means, Mr. _Overall_; I look upon the Freedom with which my worthy Neighbours here treat me, as an Instance of their Friendship and Regard. _Roseband_. There spoke the Christian and Man of sound Understandingââ _Over_. Pshaw! Pâx! What have we Fox-hunters to do with sound Understandings?ââGive me a sound Bottom, Parson, and you are welcome to keep your Christianity and sound Understanding for your next _Christmas_ Conversation. Ha, ha! _Blunt_. Right, Mr. _Overall_; I say a sound Bottom too. _Over_. Come, Gentlemen, let the Toast go round.ââTo all sound BottomsâNo Affront, I hope, to any one here.ââWhat sayâst thou, honest _Blunt_? _Blunt_. I say, the Vicar need not make those dââd wry Faces at Toasting the best Thing in Nature.ââYou have been paying Homage for twenty Years to a _Broadbottom_, and now winch at the naming a _Sound_ one.ââAh! Mr. _Roseband_; the _Jesuit_ sticks to the Cloth in _England_ as at _Rome_. _Smoothwell_. Why so, Mr. _Blunt_? The Words _Sound Bottom_ convey an Idea which Mr. _Roseband_ might wish not to conceive. _Blunt_. And pray, good Mr. _Smoothwell_, what is there of indecent or unseemly in the Idea conceived at the mention of those two harmless Words, _Sound_ and _Bottom_? _Over_. Wouâd a reverend Divine wish to be put in Mind of the Days of his Youth? Ha, ha!ââ Mr. _Blunt_, had you been bred at _Oxford_, as the Doctor was, you wouâd have known that all are not _Sound_ that grace _Magdalen_ Walks on a Summerâs Evening. Ha, ha! Sir _John_. Mr. _Roseband_, you must not mind the Fox-hunter; you know his Way; he treats his Friends as freely as he wishes they would treat him. _Rose_. I believe so, Sir _John_, and therefore am in full Charity with Mr. _Overall_. But I canât so readily digest my Neighbour _Blunt_âs coupling the _English_ Vicar with the _Romish_ Jesuit. _Blunt_. In their Politics only; as for Religion, I leave that to the great Searcher of Hearts. _Over_. Ah, dear _Blunt_! how many modern Hearts will bear a Search? _Blunt_. Ask Mr. _Broadbottom_; he was last at Court. _Broad_. I was so, Mr. _Blunt_, but you know I am but a late Comer there. _Blunt_. Perhaps it had been as well for yourself and your Country, if you had not come there at all.ââ Youâll excuse my Bluntness, Mr. _Broadbottom_, you know I speak freely to those I wish well. _Broad_. I know your Worth, and thank you for your Freedom. _Blunt_. I hope you do, because I mean to continue and deserve your Friendship, if you continue your Countryâs Friend at Court.ââTo be plain with you, Mr. _Broadbottom_, I am not altogether reconciled to the critical _Time_ and _Manner_ of your going to Court. âtis an infectious Air, against which _Abstinence_ alone is the Specific. _Over_. âSflesh! _Blunt_, you donât expect your late worthy Member, who so often cramâd your Brother Aldermen and yourself with Ham and Chicken, would keep Lent at Court? _Blunt_. Let him but abstain from entering into any Covenants, and he may swill as much as he will of his Majestyâs Old-Hock. _Broad_. Covenants! What Covenants do you suppose, should be expected from me? _Blunt_. The direct contrary of those you entered into with our Corporation at your last Election.ââPerhaps, you forget them.ââShall I refresh your Memory? _Broad_. You need not. I am come down to make you fresh Assurances of serving my Country to the utmost of my Power. _Blunt_. I know you are come down to be re-elected; and that this Company have been invited here to-day, to receive your Excuses for your late Acceptance of an Employment.â _Smooth_. Mr. _Blunt_, your Corporation could not expect that their Representative would never accept of a Place under the Crown; therefore what Excuses has the Gentleman to make? _Blunt_. More, I fear, than you can make for him with all your Quirks of Law. If he accepted of a Post without any Salvo, and forgets that he has a Post whenever he is to vote in Parliament, I will then say that he needs not make Excuses for going to Court. Sir _John_. Ay, Mr. _Blunt_, provided my worthy Neighbour, _Broadbottom_, turns not a mere _Courtier_, by going to Court, he shall have all our Consents to stay at Court and rise there. _Blunt_. A Man may rise in the Army and Navy, and meritoriously; but what dirty Work must a Man trudge throâ to rise at Court? _Over_. Why should a Man be obliged to do more servile Work at Court than in the Church, where we see the Learned and Pious rise, and are translated every Day?ââI expect my good Friend here, Mr. _Roseband_, to rise to a Deanery soon, now his Patron has taken a Stride to Court. Sir _John_. And shouâd Mr. _Broadbottom_ rise at Court, as I doubt not he will if he continues there longer than the present Session of Parliament; why might not my reverend Neighbour here, rise from the Deanery to a Mitre? _Broad_. Sir _John_, you have been always my Friend; so have you Mr. _Blunt_. Gentlemen, you are all of you my Friends, and as suchâhave a Right to examine my late Conduct. I have accepted of a Place, âtis true, without consulting you; but hope in so doing, not to have forfeited the good Opinion which I flatter myself you always entertainâd of me. Sir _John_. Since we are, and you think us your Friends, âtis fit we should deal with you like Friends. To be plain with you, Mr. _Broadbottom_, we here in the Country, who wish well to our King and the Nation, think ourselves justifyâd in conceiving a Jealousy of the Nature, Time and Manner of the late or rather the present Change in the Ministry. I will explain myself.ââ âtis not so properly a _Change_ of, as an _Ingraftment_ upon the Ministry. Supposing the few of your Party that are brought _in_, were to continue as honest and sincere, as those _Deserters_, who made room for them, were disingenuous and self-interested; what can you do against Numbers? What Success can poor _England_ expect from the Endeavours of so few? _Broad_. But, Sir _John_, you forget that the Opposition grew. Sir _John_. No, Sir, I donât forget that Opposition founded on virtuous Principles will always grow. But what _Opposition_ can you expect to grow in a Court? You late Comers there are but the Tail of the Administration. Can you direct the Head and Body? Must it not move as they direct, or be lopt off? What will Opposition in Council avail, where the Majority will be so great against you? And as for Opposition in Pâât, there will be none, there can be none. The late _Deserters_, who are now flung out, should they grumble and oppose, no Creature living will adhere to them that has a Drachm of either Sense or Virtue. And by the present Scheme, you who were late Leaders of Opposition, are taken off, and consequently all Opposition ceases. I wish I may be mistaken; but, methinks, I see a Scheme, and the artfullest and deepest that ever was laid in this Nation, now put in Execution. _Over_. How, Sir _John_! a Scheme deeper than the _Excise_? _Blunt_. Or last Yearâs _Invasion_, which produced such Chearfulness in granting more Millions than ever were granted in any one Session before? _Rose_. Or the late Sir _Râât_âs Scheme for securing his own Retreat? _Blunt_. Retreat! Do you think it a Retreat for a Man to quit the Stage to go behind the Curtain, where he sets all the Puppets in Motion? Sir _John_. He does so; and this is not the least Adroit of his Motions. All the present Ministry, the late small _Engraftment_ excepted, are his known Creatures. They were most of them of his own bringing up, and of course act by his Directions. _Broad_. But, Sir _John_, how shall we be affected by his Motions? I hope you donât suppose he will be able to influence us New comers, as you call us, however he may direct his Pupils. Sir _John_. I hope he wonât; but Iâll answer for it, he does not now matter whether he can or no. He has lullâd you into a Stupor, and having unperceptibly deprivâd you of your Sting, you are no longer the terrible Men you appeared to the Court some time ago. _Over_. They are now become the _Drones_ of the Hive; ha, ha! Sir _John_. They are really no better. Pardon me, Mr. _Broadbottom_, if I think the Epithet fits all you who are brought in to countenance Measures the Nation disapproves ofââ _Blunt_. To colour an ignominious Peace, which is thought to be on the Anvil, because the late Conduct of our Superiors renders a Peace of any kind absolutely necessary. _Over_. And to be kickâd out again as soon as those dirty Ends are answered, which they were introducâd to promote: Gad, Brother Foxhunter, I should not care to be _rumpâd_ after I had said _yea_ and _nay_ as directed. You see what End the late Patriot _Pretenders_ are come to. ââ Zâns Man! fall not, like those Coxcombs, âtween two Stools. Sir _John_. There lies the Depth of the present Scheme, which is but the second Part of the late. The late _Deserters_, as they are justly callâd, saw not that they were digging Pits for themselves, while they were bargaining to drop their Party for Places at Court. What better, Mr _Broadbottom_, have you been lately doing for yourself? If you answer the _Purpose_ of your being taken into the Ministry, supposing it disagreeable to the Nation, you are irrecoverably lost in the Opinion of all who esteemâd you before; and of consequence will be no better than a Drone all your Life long. _Broad_. Pray, Sir _John_, why will you suppose the _Purpose_ of the Ministry to be disagreeable to the Nation? Sir _John_. Because I have known in my Time but very few, if any Ministerial _Purposes_ that deservâd public Approbation. _Broad_. You would not have us be against the Continuance of the War, till an honourable Peace can be obtainâd? _Smooth_. Nor against the Support of the War while it continues. _Rose_. Nor against such a Peace, as the Success of the War may intitle us to. Sir _John_. So! the Lessons are already put by Heart. _Over_. Why not? you forget how apt Lawyers and Divines are to learn. Ha, ha! _Blunt_. And Patriots too, when once they creep within the Palace Gates. _Broad_. Mr. _Blunt_, I am well acquainted with the Uprightness of your Heart. You love me, and therefore fear I am to be deluded from my Duty to my Country by the Allurements of a Post. But let me intreat my Friends to suppress their Fears till the End of the Session. _Blunt_. I should not wonder by the End of the present Session, or at least before the Beginning of the next, to see you and your Brethren reduced to your primitive Nakedness. Of what Use can you be, after you grant all the Court wants, and reject or throw cold Water on every Motion for the Benefit of the Nation? Sir _John_. Motion for the Benefit of the Nation, said you! Who will make such a Motion? Or if made, who will support it? Neighbour _Blunt_, I donât wonder that you, who never sat in Parliament, should mistake the Nature of _Motions_ made there; but I, who represented your Borough in my younger Days, am able from my Experience to inform you, that no important _Motion_ of public Benefit will be made this Session; or, if fortuitously made, will be seconded. The different Parties in the House, and Parties with different Views there always were and will be, are led by a _few_, who may be said to direct all the Operations of the Session. Among that _few_, there is generally some one or two who are permitted to take the Lead in all Deliberations, and from thence may be said to direct the whole. Supposing then that the Court should find means to take off not only that _one_, or those _two_ or _three_, but all the Chiefs or Directors of an Opposition at the Beginning of a Session, how can it be expected that any Motions of Moment will be made? or, as I said before, if made will be seconded? All Motions to be made, that are of consequence, are first projected by the Leaders, and communicated and recommended at their private Meetings and Clubs. But strip the Party of such Leaders, before they have Time to make, or even resolve on a new Choice of Chiefs, and there is an End of all such necessary and usual Communications and Recommendations, and probably of the very Meetings antecedent to them. In time, a new Set of Leaders may arise, but there must be Proof of their Truth and Abilities before they can acquire the necessary Confidence; and such Proof is not produced hastily. _Over_. Right, old Sportsman. It must be _Truth_ and _Time_ that acquire the Captains of Foxhounds the Confidence of the Pack. _Smooth_. Mr. _Overall_, you might have spared your Comparison of Foxhounds and Members of Parliament. _Rose_. Nor is Sir _John_âs Doctrine of _Motions_ less seasonable or pertinent. _Blunt_. Decent Mr. _Smoothwell_, and you cautious Mr. _Roseband_, when are apt Comparisons to be made or necessary, and seasonable Truths to be spoken, unless it be on such an Occasion, and at such a Time as the present? _Over_. See how these Law-and-Gospel-Mongers would debar a Freeborn from the Privilege of expostulating with the Man to whom he is going to delegate his Life, Liberty and Fortune!ââ Zâds, _Broadbottom_, sure you are not already become so rank a Courtier, as to have retained the Vicar of your Parish, and the Steward of your Manors, to padlock the friendly Lips of your plain and upright Neighbours? _Broad_. Far be it from me to endeavour preventing the Expostulations of my Friends. I have always asked the Opinion of my Constituents in all Matters of Moment, since I have been in Parliament, and hope they will admit that I have not misused the Trust committed to me. Sir _John_. Sir, we believâd you a true _Englishman_; at least, let me speak for myself, I did so, or I had not given you so often my Vote and Interest to represent your Country in Parliament: And I confess, that by all that appears, you have honourably discharged the Trust reposed in you. But, Sir, the good Opinion I have had of you, and even that which I entertain of you at present, are no such Securities for your future Conduct, considering the present State of Affairs, as should efface all Traces of Doubt and Jealousy out of my Mind. You are a Man, and as such, are not exempt from _Selfishness_, a Passion which Ministers never fail to sooth and gratify. I may believe you mean well; but canât help dreading your suffering yourself to be _sweetenâd_ from your good Intentions. _Broad_. Sir _John_, your Concern for my future Conduct speaks the Sincerity of your Friendship, and I am therefore the more obligâd to you. But methinks the known Probity and Honour of those Men we join in the Administration might lay your Doubts and Jealousies concerning my Behaviour for the Time to come. Sir _John_. I have nothing to do with the private _Probity_ and _Honour_ of any Gentleman; but, Sir, if you expect I should think as favourably of those that have lately invited you to associate with them, as you seem to do, you are grossly mistaken. You differ in Opinion concerning those Gentlemen, whom you now seem to applaud, not only with me, but with yourself. What have those _most deserving Men_ done of late to acquire your good Opinion? It was but just before you went up to the first Meeting of the present Session, that you heartily joined Mr. _Blunt_ and myself, in condemning the _Passiveness_ of all those whom you now associate with and praise. What have they done for the Public since, or ever before, that should endear them to you or any true _Englishman_? Was Sir _Rââ Wââ_âs whole Administration obnoxious to the Majority of the Nation? was it injurious to all? did not those you now are _grafted_ upon, concur with him in all his Measures? were they not most of them, the Creatures of his Power? were not the chief of them his Pupils, trainâd up in all his Arts and Wiles? are they not of his rearing? are they not distinguishable at this very Hour by his Stamp? _Blunt_. By this Scheme of _Ingraftment_ it plainly appears, that if they donât wear his Livery in View, they wear it under their upper Garments. _Over_. So that Sir _Brass_, like his Employer, still has his cloven Foot in all our Affairs. _Blunt_. As sure as this new-devised _Ingraftment_ will ruin all our _Affairs_, unless the _Projector_ and his _Disciples_ will be so humble as to submit to be led by the Few they have called in to help steer the Bark in a Storm. Sir _John_. And what was it but their own servile _Passiveness_ that had occasionâd the _Storm_ which they now endeavour to quell by the Help of Mr. _Broadbottom_ and his Brethren in the late Opposition? What could the late fallen _Minister_, of whom they affect to complain as the Author of all our Calamities; what could that _Phaeton_, I say, have done, had he not been supported by those who now affect to quit rather than draw with him? Had not they the Power of the _Purse_? had not they in that and every other Respect, the Means of tying up that _Adventurer_âs Hands from hurting his Country, if they would? Yes, Mr. _Broadbottom_, those Men you now venerate so much, had the _Power_, but they wanted the _Will_. And what was it but that fundamental, primary Ingredient in the Composition of some Men, _Selfishness_, which induced those Men to misuse the Power they then had? _Rose_. By your Leave, Sir _John_, thoâ the late Minister, the _Phaeton_, as you call him, may have misused his Power; I donât see why these Gentlemen who _remain_ in the Administration should be involved in his Guilt. _Over_. Smoke the Parson, Gentlemen; mind how cautiously he treads on _Jackâs_ Heels.ââ_May have misused his Power!_ How gently he touches the Sore! Then again, the charitable _Man canât see the least Speck of Gall_ in the _Doves_ that have thrust _Jack_ from the _Barn Door_. _Blunt_. Ah! Mr. _Overall_, that _Barn_ has made many an honest Man otherwise. Sir _John_. I donât think it so, Mr. Mayor; a Man truly Honest is no more to be corrupted than a Woman truly Chast. But as it is she only who is a Whore in her Heart that can be defiled, so is it he only who is a Rogue in his Heart, that can be warped from his Integrity. _Over_. Gad, Sir _John_, I should be glad to know where your _truly Honest_ Men and _truly Chast_ Ladies grow. For in my poor Observation, I knew but one Man and one Woman that truly deserved the Epithet. _Smooth_. Your Mother was the precious Exception of one Sex.ââHa, ha! _Rose_. And his pious _Dad_ the other.ââHa, ha! _Over_. Neither; among the Men, _Jack_ the late Mâr was the Exception, because he was the only Minister that ever I heard or read of, who had the _Honesty_ to pretend to _none_. And among the Fair, Madame _Vâte_, who held out till her Hâd commanded her and conducted her himself to the Arms of her Lover. _Omnes_. Ha, ha! Sir _John_. I say nothing of the Aptness of your Exception among the Fair; but really, Mr. _Overall_, you have hit it off in regard to the other Sex. The late Mâr was a Prodigy in his Way. I wonât say that I ever knew a less virtuous Minister, but I will, that I never knew one made less Pretensions to Virtue. _Broad_. He courted Virtue as he did Applause. Sir _John_. And was he not the Honester, for not pretending to that he resolved not to practise, and for not courting that which he knew he did not deserve? But what better Pretensions have they, who, as my Friend Mr. _Overall_ terms it, thrust him from the _Barn Door_, to either Virtue or Applause? Did they not give a Sanction to all his Measures? Were not they Partners of his Guilt? And more, were they not the Partners of his Predecessorâs Guilt? Had the late Minister shewn less Contempt for them; had he wore more the Appearance of Modesty, or had more Deference for their Opinions; had he seemâd to draw with them; had he not ingrossâd solely to himself the _Distribution_ of the Court _Manna_: Had he, in short, shared with his Fellow Ministers the vast Emoluments arising from the Distribution of the _Secret-Service_ Money, I fancy we should never have heard of the present unnatural _Ingraftment_. _Broad_. Since you will have it an _Ingraftment_ rather than a _Coalition_, it shall be so; but why should it be an unnatural _Ingraftment_? _Over_. Why indeed? Donât we see _Non-pareilles_ and _Golden Pippins_ daily grafted on _Crabs_, and yet thrive? Ha, ha! Sir _John_. Yes, Mr. _Overall_; because they are all nourished by their common Parent, the Earth; and the _Crab-Tree_ is a Channel only for the Nurture to pass throâ. In this Case, the Earth, from whence both Species receive Nourishment, remains pure and uninfected; the _Crab_ has no more Influence than the _Pippin_. But can we suppose the Parity will hold in the other Case? The old _Standards_ in the Administration ingross the _Soil_: The _ingrafted Shoots_ shall have no more Communication with it, than their elder Brethren shall be pleased to permit. _Rose_. I am sorry to see all Sir _John_âs Observations tinctured with Uncharitableness. Why should the old _Standards_, as you call those that remain of the late Ministry, infect the Soil, by which I suppose the ââ is meant, any more than the _ingrafted Shoots_ or new Comers? Sir _John_. The _new Comers_, for aught I know, wouâd be as arrant Courtiers, as supple Fawners in time, as the old _Standards_ themselves, had they equal Opportunity. But my Life forât, the _Ingrafted_ will be kept at Arms Length from the Royal Ear. _Broad_. I hope not, Sir _John_; those we join are Men of Honour; and they assure us of going Hand in Hand with usââ _Blunt_. To raise the _Supplies_. _Over_. And screen Delinquents. Sir _John_. Will they join, think you, in National Parsimony, in the Encouragement of Trade and Industry, and the Discouragement of Venality and Corruption? Will they join in repealing those Laws which affect _Freedom_, and in lessening the vast Power accruing to the Crown from the great Weight of our Debts and Taxes, by the Distribution of civil Employments? Will they joinââ _Blunt_. Yes, Sir _John_, in fleecing the Nation to fill their own Pockets, and gratify Mr. _Nameless_. _Over_. That same _Nameless_ must have an excellent _Digestion_; and sure his necessary Woman must have golden Days of it; for without doubt, he who swallows so much _Gold_ must shât a great deal of the Metal.ââ But I forget that _Hââ_ is the _Close-stool_, where all the precious Excrement centers. _Blunt_. And but _One_, on this Side the Water, has a Key to that valuable Repository. _Rose_. For Cleanliness of Conversation, commend me to you both, Gentlemen. _Over_. And for doubling and time-serving, commend me to Gownsmen. _Broad_. Gentlemen, I intreat we may live sociably together as usual. Let us not give Way to Spleen or Ill-nature. Mr. _Roseband_ and Mr. _Smoothwell_ happen at this Time to be in a more charitable Disposition than the rest of the Company. But, I assure myself, you will be all of one Opinion, when you see perfect _Concord_ in the Administration, and that _Union_ directed to promote publick Happiness. Sir _John_. Mr. _Broadbottom_, I heartily agree with you in the Banishment of Heat and Sarcasm from our Conversation; but canât help dissenting from you in the other Point. Without giving up my Reason, I canât reckon upon _Concord_ between two Sets of Men, as seemingly different in their Views and Principles as can well be imaginâd. By all that appears hitherto, you lately _Ingrafted_, have acted on Principles the most honourable, and with Views the most disinterested that ever Men did; whereas the _old Standards_ seem to have no Views but to _Self-Interest_, nor Principles, but such as are repugnant to _Patriotism_. _Over_. _Patriotism!_ Ha, ha! Poor Wanderer! Where has she taken up her Habitation, since she was sent adrift by those _Ingrafted_ about two Years ago upon the old Stock? _Blunt_. Patience. Mr. _Overall_, and you shall see her perchâd on the joint Endeavours of our mottley Ministry to save the Nation. _Broad_. I hope you will, Mr. _Blunt_, thoâ you speak it with a Sneer. Sir _John_. I heartily wish we may. But in my Mind, the Coalition on which you reckon so much, is as impracticable as squaring the Circle, if you Gentlemen newly _Ingrafted_, and _those_ you are _Ingrafted_ on, _thought_ as you _spoke_ and _acted_, and continue the same way of _thinking_? _Over_. Have not you seen, that the late _Ingrafted_ had two Ways of _thinking_? _Blunt_. One fitted for the _Country_, the other for the _Court_? _Broad_. Good Mr. Mayor, spare your Friends, at least till you find them tripping. Sir _John_. For my Part, the whole Stress of my Argument rests on a Supposition; that both Parties of the Administration will adhere to their native Principles and Way of thinking. On this Supposition then where can be the _Concord_, where the _Coalition_? _Over_. Just where the Union would be between Kites and Doves. _Blunt_. But, my Fox-hunter, leaving Concord and Union out of the Question, when has it been seen, that spotless innocent _Doves_ have had the weak Complaisance of associating with the crafty and guilty _Kites_, on the first Offer of Friendship and Cordiality? _Broad_. Still, my worthy Magistrate, severe upon your old Friends? Sir _John_. Mr. _Broadbottom_, call not that Severity, which is the Result of Friendship. I judge of Mr. _Blunt_ by myself, who, because I esteem you, fear you may be imposed upon in the Step you have lately taken. You could not but see that the Court made to you, was the Effect rather of _Necessity_ than _Choice_. You must not be the Man of Penetration I take you for, unless you saw that you would be an unwelcome Guest at Cât, and an unwelcome Companion to those who invited you thither. In such Circumstances, I should expect that you, and those whom you have selected among your Party to accompany you, wouâd insist upon such Terms for your Country, as would endear you to your Countrymen. _Broad_. But, Sir _John_, would it become us to insist on Terms, when none were exacted from us? Sir _John_. It not only would become you to insist on such Terms as would be of public Utility, but it was absolutely necessary you shouâd, if you would maintain your Character and serve your Country. You _New Comers_ are but a few, if compared to those you are ingrafted on. They may, and probably will out-argue, or rather out-vote you, whenever you shall presume to oppose their Measures; and should you persist in your Opposition, they will thrust you from the _Barn_ for your Contumacy. Such will be the best of your Case. _Smooth_. Best do you call it? Pray, Sir _John_, what do you call the Worst of their Case? Sir _John_. To quit their own Principles, and take up those of the old _Standards_. In that Case they might think to mend their own private Fortunes, but would most certainly ruin their Country, and of course would lose all Credit with their Countrymen. _Broad_. But is it impossible for Men of different Principles to meet each other half Way, and agree in such Essentials as may promote the general Good of the Community? Sir _John_. He who meets an Opponent half way, recedes from his own Principles, and embraces in part at least, those of his Antagonist. Now if your _Principles_ were _sound_, and those of the _old Standards unsound_, as we must believe from your constant Opposition for the Time past; how can you depart from yours, without embracing _unsound_ Principles? No, Sir, I protest against half-way Meetings between a Majority in _Power_, and a few, who, Iâm afraid, grasp too eagerly at a Shred, or rather Shadow of that _Power_. The _Magnet_ is with the greater Number; pray Heaven, it attracts not the smaller to it! _Broad_. Why so desponding, Sir _John_, you who were wonât to be the firmest Prop of our Party Hopes? Sir _John_. To be very serious, Mr. _Broadbottom_, I apprehend we are in a wretched Situation; and I see but one Means, by which we may hope to better our Condition. But I foresee that we shaânât have the Wisdom or Virtue to pursue that only Way. Notwithstanding the Groupe of Ills we labour under; notwithstanding our Necks are sore gallâd with the Yoke, I fear, should the Time of procuring ourselves Ease ever offer, Corruption will prevail, and _Avarice_ will chuse the Continuance of our Woe. If we would expect such a thorough Change of Measures as the Nation seem to wish for and require, can we hope for it from the present Patch-work mingling of Hands? The taking Gentlemen into the Administration, who have distinguished themselves by their Zeal for the Interests of their Country, is not, I fear, designed to ease the People, but to bring those Gentlemen to bear a Share of the public Hatred and Infamy, which the late Mârs have incurrâd by the most flagitious Measures. This must cause an irreparable Breach between the Public and those now reverâd and beloved Patriots; a Policy by which the Projectors think, perhaps, they leave the Flocks without Shepherds, and may at Pleasure then prey upon the Folds. But let me warn these Politicians, that it is not always safe to leave an injurâd, oppressâd, exasperated People without Leaders on whose Probity they may depend. On the other hand, let me warn our Patriots, that as a Snare may have been laid for them, it is their Business to take care they are not taken in it. They have been the Hopes as well as Darlings of their Country, and it should be their Study at this critical Juncture not to give Room for suspecting their Virtue. In short, they should avoid becoming themselves the Curse of their Country, or countenancing those that have been so for many Years. The War for the Sake of _Hââ_, has been carried on after a Manner so dishonourable, not to say infamous, and so expensive, that the old _Standards_, for a Reason easily pointed out, look upon a _Peace_ to be absolutely necessary. The Conduct of the War will not suffer them to hope that equitable Terms will be allowâd them; on the other hand, they must be sensible, that the People have a greater Regard to the Honour of the Nation than to private Interest, and will be against sheathing the Sword, till the Blood of our foreign Enemies has washâd off the Stain fixâd on the Glory of the Nation by her domestic Foes. In this Dilemma they may think it the best, indeed the only Expedient to cast the Burden on the _Favourites_ of the People. If they accept of Peace on dishonourable Terms, the late Mârs are acquitted; if they reject it, any Misfortunes that may attend the War will be intirely cast upon them. In a Word, the Ministers have entangled the Skein, and call upon the Patriots to disentangle it, or share the Odium of their Folly and Wickedness. They have woven the _Gordian Knot_, and the Friends of the People are to loose it. _Over_. We shall soon see who are the Peoples Friends. _Broad_. Can you have any Doubt concerning them? _Blunt_. Were not those _Deserters_ lately thrust from the _Barn_, the Peoples Friends too before they were _ingrafted_ on the Ministry? All are the Peoples Friends while they are rising on the Shoulders of the People; but when once they are up, away goes the Scaffolding. Mr. _Broadbottom_, I believe you are a Friend to the People, or I would not support your last Election, or your present Re-election; but if you would convince us you are truly so, let us see you heartily endeavouring to obtain something for those willing People that have drainâd their Vitals to comply with a Cât and Ministry, and bore the Heat of the Day. Restore us our _Triennial_ Parliaments. Sir _John_. Or rather our Annual Parliaments, which was the ancient Constitution. But, Mr. _Broadbottom_, let us have them without _Purchase_. I understand the Câl Lâst is greatly incumberâd. I hope âtis not intended to clear it at the Peopleâs Expence, before the annual Produce of it be fairly stated and known. _Blunt_. Can you expect to know any thing the Court has a mind you should not, while _Sevenâs_ the Main? _Over_. No more _Septs_ say I; I believe I shall never love the Number _Seven_ again, as long as live. Sir _John_. _Seven_ or _Seventy_ would be of little Significancy in a Country and Age less corrupt than ours. But considering the present Depravity, I must confess that _septennial_ Parliaments afford Ministers more Opportunity than I would willingly allow them, to put in Practice the Arts of the Cabinet. _Rose_. If the Depravity be so great and general as you represent it, how shall our Condition be betterâd by a Repeal of the _septennial_ Law? The Cabinet Arts, which you so much apprehend, may be as well practised on the _triennial_ as _septennial_ Servants of the People. _Over_. To prevent which, let us do as our braver, honester _Popish_ Ancestors did. _Rose_. Ah! Mr. _Overall_! Your worthy Father would not have been so liberal of his Epithets to Papists. _Over_. Mr. _Roseband_, my Father loved and reverâd Virtue wherever he found it. And he blushâd not any more than I should, to own that our Popish Ancestors had the true Spirit of Patriotism, and that they left us more valuable Blessings than we are like to leave Posterity. _Smooth_. How, my Politician! Shaânât we and Posterity too bask in Plenty, if we do as you say our honester popish Ancestors did? ha, ha! _Rose_. Pray, Mr. _Overall_, What are we to do in imitation of our braver Ancestors? ha, ha! _Over_. To _curse_ the Ambitious and Corrupt. _Rose_. Curse, Mr. _Overall_! Is it for Christians to curse? _Over_. Is it for _Englishmen_ to be bribed out of their Virtue? What are the Curses you pronounce on _Ashwednesdays_? Sir _John_. Mr. _Overall_ means, I suppose, the Anathema solemnly denounced in the Reign of _Henry_ III. by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, at the Head of the Barons and other great Men of the Nation, against all such as should directly or indirectly oppose the Observance of the _two Charters_, and those who should violate, diminish, or alter in any Manner whatever the Laws and Constitutions of the Kingdom. _Over_. I do, Sir _John_; and the Method I would propose should be, that the Members of the Legislature, not excepting the pious Lords the Bâps, on the Expiration of the present Parliament, would meet in _Westminster_ Abbey, and there solemnly denounce, by the Mouth of the Archbishop, or, if some squeamish Puritans should object to the Surplice, by the Mouths of the Lord Câr and Spâr, the bitterest Curses against all who shall offer or accept a Bribe at a new Election, directly or indirectly. _Blunt_. Or who shall accept of a Place or Pension after he is elected, in order to support the Measures of Evil Ministers, or screen them. _Over_. _Blunt_, let you and I draw up a Form of the Anathema. I would ask the Vicar, but that he says âtis Antichristian, to curse the Wicked. First then, _Cursed_ be he who offers any Bribe or Gratification to any Freeholder or Burgher to obtain his Vote: _Cursed_ be he who is an Instrument to corrupt any who has a Right to give his Vote for any Candidate to represent his County or Borough: _Cursed_ be he, who having a Right to vote, shall be biassâd in his Voting by any private Interest, Views, or Hopes: _Cursed_ be he who makes any unjust Returns of Members; and may such Enemies of their Country be _cursed_ in themselves, their Wives and Posterity, and in their Goods and Chattels; may they themselves become the Butt of public Scorn, Hatred and Contempt, whilst living, and their Widows and Daughters become common Prostitutes for Bread; and may their Sons experience that _Slavery_, which they would have brought upon their Country; may their Herds and Flocks die with the Murrain and Rot; may their Lands become barren, and may their Memory for ever stink in the Nostrils of all honest Men and true _Britons_. Let all here say, _Amen_. _Broad_. See what it is to be a Foxhunter; no otherâs Lungs would have held out in so long a Chase of useful Curses; ha, ha! Sir _John_. Why indeed, Mr. _Broadbottom_, if Curses would cure the great Evil of _Corruption_, they might be truly called _useful_. But I am afraid the World is become too cursed to be frightenâd by Curses from the Commission of Evil. Therefore I would have them restrainâd by some more coercive Means. And as the Repeal of the _Septennial_ Act, and effectual _Place_ and _Pensions_ Bills, seem to bid fairest of any Means I can think of, for removing the Gangreen which preys upon the Vitals of our Constitution; I should be glad to see the Pââ this very Session take them seriously into Consideration. I hope they will, for the good of Posterity and their own Honour. And let me add, Mr. _Broadbottom_, that I hope it for yours, and your new _Ingrafted_ Brethrenâs Sake, who must rise or sink with the Publick, as these Points are dropt or vigorously pushed and obtainâd. What is it to the People who is _in_ or _out_ of Place, if they receive no Benefit by the Change? On the Contrary, a pretended Coalition leaves them in a worse Condition than they were before, as it deprives them of their present Leaders, and a colourable Pretence for Complaint. For wonât Courtiers be apt to call that a wanton Complaint, which has not the Sanction of the old Chiefs of the People? _Broad_. Sir _John_, as all who hear you, improve by your Conversation; all who converse with you, ought to pay a Deference to your Opinions, which are generally well founded. But thoâ I should admit that the Points you contend for, would be of public Utility; yet I believe you will admit likewise, that there may be Seasons wherein it would not be proper to press these Matters with too great Warmth. It would be ill-timing the Embellishment or Repair of a House, when the Chimney was on Fire. The World at Home and Abroad is unsettled and perplexed. We have Quarrels and Partiesââ Sir _John_. We have so, and Taxes, Poverty, and Corruption. And we have likewise open, and who are more dangerous, secret Enemies; at least, we have lukewarm Friends.ââThis is no more than what I dreaded, when I first heard how few of the reputed Friends of the People were invited to Cât. When I saw all the great Offices of Trust continued in the old _Standards_, I dreaded the Consequence of taking a few of the Leaders of the People into the subordinate Posts.ââMr. _Broadbottom_, I am sorry to tell you, that I dreaded you would have learnt the Court _Catechise_, when I heard you accepted of a Place before obtaining such Points as the People contend for, and are of absolute Necessity. Why should it be unseasonable to restore us to _triennial_ Parliaments, and to secure Liberty by effectual Place and Pension Bills? What Ferment or Combustion is here at Home, that should prevent or deter the Friends of our Constitution from seeking its immediate Repair, where it has been weakened by either Time or Art? What have the Broils of _Germany_ to do with the _British_ Constitution? The World, you say, is unsettled and perplexed abroad, and we have Quarrels and Parties at Home. Granted; and who are accountable for the Perplexities on the Continent and the Parties here at Home? Not the People, Mr. _Broadbottom_, whose Contentment you would postpone to a more seasonable Opportunity. I should be glad to know the ministerial _Seasons_ for doing public Justice. We have had a long Interval of Peace since the passing the _Septennial_ Law, yet our Ministers never thought it _seasonable_ to suffer it to be repealed. The Ministers, Sir, I mean the _Bââh_ Ministers, and not the _Bââh_ Nation, have been principally and primarily Authors of the Broils on the Continent; and our Fewds at Home are no less owing to them. _Smooth_. How, Sir _John_, will you place the Ambition of _France_, the Perfidy of _Pââa_, and the Inaction of _Holland_, to the Account of our Ministers? Sir _John_. I will, and with the strictest Justice.ââ_France_ had not dared to attempt gratifying her Ambition, nor _Pââ_ to support _France_, or _Holland_ to look on, if a Foreign Interest did not biass _Bââh_ Ministers from the true Interest of their Country. To sum up all in one Word, _Hââ_ is accountable for all the Perplexities on the Continent, and all our Fewds at Home.ââBut what Fewds or Quarrels can be apprehended after so hopeful a _Coalition_ as the present? When shall _Britons_ expect Relief, unless when the _best Men of all Parties_, according to one of our Patriot Writers, have the Power and Direction of public Affairs? _Broad_. We are only accountable for our own Conduct; and as we are but a fewâ Sir _John_. I dread you may be biassed by the Majority. Why should you agree to come into the Support of a tottering Mâây before you had secured such a Share of Power as would enable you to change Measures obnoxious and injurious to the People? Why would you come in without securing a Moiety at least, of the great Offices of Trust, such as first Cââ of the Tâây, Sâây of Sââ, and Pâât of the Câât, _&c. &c_. _Over_. Faith now, Sir _John_, that would be keeping Gentlemen to dâd hard Meat. What, not allow Men to stoop at small Game, that have been beating about for many Years in vain? Pshaw! Gad! âtis quite ungenteel and unconscionable. Sir _John_. My Quarrel is not to the Gentlemenâs Humility, but to their Want of Prudence. Mr. _Broadbottom_, I hope, will pardon the Expression. _Broad_. With all my Heart. Sir _John Probeum_ can say nothing, because I am sure he means not, to offend me. Sir _John_. Sir, you do me but Justice; I intend an Affront to no Man, much less to you, whom I have always esteemed. _Broad_. And of whom you shall have no Cause to alter your good Opinion. Sir _John_. I hope not, thoâ I cannot so readily digest your _Seasons_ for redressing the Peopleâs Grievances. _Blunt_. _Times_ and _Seasons_ were Cant Words with the late _Deserters_, as soon as the People expected they would act according to their Professions. _Over_. Ha, ha! Courtiers act up to their Professions! Ha, ha! What a Solecism wouâd that be? Why Man, you forget that _Double_ and _John_, and _Long Bib_, and _Dismal_, and the Rest of that precious deserting Gang were become _Courtiers_, when they found out that it was unseasonable to weaken the Ministerial Power, and strengthen that of the People. Sir _John_. Experience, they say, is the Mother of Wisdom; but I am sorry we _Englishmen_ are seldom instructed by that sagacious Lady. I have lived to see the People deluded and injured by those whom they themselves had screwâd up into Power; and I have seen them receiving those very _Deluders_ a second and third Time into their Favour. _Rose_. A Proof of their Lenity and Good-nature, Sir _John_. Sir _John_. Of their Stupidity rather. I am bound to forgive an Enemy, but know of no Injunction human or divine, that enjoins me to trust that Enemy a second Time, and put the Snake in my Bosom. _Broad_. Sir _John_, you shall never have Cause for making the Application here. If I canât serve with Honour, I am a free Agent, and shall make use of the Freedom I was born to. I will fling up my Pââ the Moment I find I canât keep it consistent with my Duty to my Country. _Over_. There spoke the Genius of old _England_. _Blunt_. Like that _noble_ Patriot, who flung up not long since, that he might not share in the Guilt and Odium of the Company he kept. _Broad_. And that noble Patriot is heartily with us in the present Change. I hope you will think that his Presence should be enough to keep us all in Countenance. Sir _John_. There is not a Man alive has a better Opinion of that great Man than myself; but shouâd he tell me of _Times_ and _Seasons_ for redressing Grievances, I should alter my Opinion of him, and think him infected by the Air of the Cât. But that Patriot _Englishman_ is uncapable of so great Baseness and Folly. He knows that War Time is the properest for enquiring into the Misconduct of the War; and I hope for that Reason, he and all his Friends will encourage an Inquiry into the Miscarriage at _Carthagena_, and into the more dishonourable Misconduct last Year at the _Hieres_. I hope likewise he and you will promote a strict Inspection into the Management of our Land War. _Blunt_. You mean the _Hân_ War. I am sure we are no otherwise concerned in it, than to have the Honour of defraying its Expence. Sir _John_. Be our Concern what it will, it ought to have been managed with some Decency, if not with Vigour and Prudence. But ever since the Commencement, it has been carried on ingloriously for the Nation, and scandalously for those who had the Conduct of it. And should such wrong-headed or corrupt Agents go unpunishâd or unexaminâd at least, it will be setting such an Example of national _Lenity_, as may prove fatal in the Day of Necessity. _Blunt_. National _Lenity_! Ah, Sir _John_, you were wont to call Things by their right Namesââ What shall we call the _Lenity_ shewn to the late Arch-delinquent? _Over_. The Duce! what would the Man have; was not there a Sât Câee appointed? Sir _John_. Yes; and the very little which that Câee was pleasâd to publish concerning that Arch-spoiler of his Country, proves that they ought to have proceeded further. _Over_. Dear _Broadbottom_, let us have no Câees at all, unless you have the _Will_ and _Power_ to sift Things to the Bottom: For it is but tantalizing a Nation to pretend doing them Justice, and never intend any. _Blunt_. âtis encouraging public Venality and Corruption. But Câees are pretty _Tubs_, too often thrown out to amuse the People. Sir _John_. What Pity âtis to abuse the Credulity of the best naturâd People in the World! _Over_. Sir _John_, you may praise their good Nature as much as you please; but, Gad! I say they are the veriest Oafs in Christendom. Zâds! that a People should be so dânâd stupid as to delegate their Power again and again; nay, a Power too over their Lives and Fortunes, to Men who had done them repeated Injuries, and of whom they had made repeated Complaints. They complainâd of the _Septennial_ as a
{'title': 'Christmas Chat by Anonymous', 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}