START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER, VOLUME 3 (OF 3)*** E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Wayne Hammond, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the more than six hundred original illustrations. See 45813-h.htm or 45813-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/45813/45813-h/45813-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/45813/45813-h.zip) Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/picturesoflifech03leecuoft JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER from the collection of "Mr. Punch." [Illustration] JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER [Illustration: From the Collection of "Mr. Punch." London: Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., 8, 9, 10, Bouverie Street, E. C. 1887.] London: Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Printers, Whitefriars. [Illustration: JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER.] [Illustration: _HISTORY.--THE ANCIENT BRITONS._ _Emily (reads)._ "IN THE SUMMER THEY WERE NAKED, AND INSTEAD OF CLOTHES THEY PUT PAINT UPON THEIR BODIES. THEY WERE FOND OF A FINE BLUE COLOUR, WHICH THEY MADE OF A PLANT CALLED WOAD, WHICH THEY FOUND IN THEIR WOODS. THEY SQUEEZED OUT THE JUICE OF THE WOAD, AND THEN STAINED THEMSELVES ALL OVER WITH IT, SO THAT IN SUMMER THEY LOOKED AS IF THEY WERE DRESSED IN TIGHT BLUE CLOTHES." _Arthur._ "AND DID THEY WALK IN THE PARK AND GO TO CHURCH SO?"] [Illustration: _A REAL TREASURE._ _Paterfamilias (suddenly arrived in Town)._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, MRS. WILKINS, WHY DIDN'T YOU FORWARD THESE LETTERS? THEY ARE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE." _Mrs. Wilkins (the Treasure)._ "LOR, SIR! I SHOULD NEVER THINK O' FORWARDING SICH THINGS AS THEM. WHY, I SEE THEY WAS ONLY BUSINESS LETTERS FROM THE HORFICE, OR SOMETHINK O' THAT!"] [Illustration: _THE LESSON._ _Disgusted Instructor of Plungers._ "THERE YOU GO AGAIN! STICKING OUT YOUR TOES LIKE A _HINFANTRY HADJUTANT_!"] [Illustration: _THE DARLINGS COME OUT TO SEE THE 38TH OTHERSEX VOLUNTEERS DRILLED._ _Sergeant (appealingly)._ "NOW THEN, GENTLEMEN, ONCE MORE, EYES FRONT!--AND PRAY, GENTLEMEN--PRAY DON'T _STARE ABOUT YOU AS IF YOU WERE IN CHURCH_!"] [Illustration: _A WORD TO THE WISE._ _Discerning Child (who has heard some remarks made by Papa)._ "ARE YOU OUR NEW NURSE?" _Nurse._ "YES, DEAR!" _Child._ "WELL, THEN, I'M ONE OF THOSE BOYS WHO CAN ONLY BE MANAGED WITH KINDNESS--SO YOU HAD BETTER GET SOME SPONGE-CAKES AND ORANGES AT ONCE!"] [Illustration: _A POSER._ _Precocious Pupil._ "PLEASE, MISS JONES, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SUBURBS?" _Governess (who is extensively Crinolined)._ "THE OUTSKIRTS OF A PLACE, MY DEAR." _Pupil (seizing Miss J. by the dress)._ "THEN, MISS JONES, ARE THESE _YOUR_ SUBURBS?"] [Illustration: _DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES._] [Illustration: _EMPHATIC._ _Boy (to Nurse)._ "WHAT DID YOU SAY 'MADE HER ILL'?" _Nurse._ "'ARK AT YOU, HALFRED! I DIDN'T SAY, 'MADE 'ER HILL'; I SAID, 'SHE LIVED AT MAIDA 'ILL!!"] [Illustration: _CRUEL._ _Young Swell (loq.)._ "I SAY, THOMPSON, DO YOU THINK I SHALL EVER HAVE ANY WHISKERS?" _Thompson (after careful examination)._ "WELL, SIR, I REALLY DON'T THINK AS YOU EVER WILL--LEASTWAYS NOT TO SPEAK OF!" _Young Swell._ "THAT'S RATHER HARD, FOR MY PAP--I MEAN GOVERNOR--HAS PLENTY!" _Thompson (facetiously)._ "YES, SIR,--BUT P'R'APS YOU TAKE AFTER YOUR MA!" (_Total collapse of Y. S._)] [Illustration: _SEA-FISHING._ _Boatman._ "DON'T YER FEEL ANYTHINK YET, SIR? P'RAPS YOU'D BETTER TRY ANOTHER WORM."] [Illustration: _PROFESSIONAL._ _Mrs. Tongs._ "LOR, ADOLPHUS! HOW BEAUTIFUL THOSE BEANS SMELL." _Adolphus (probably in the hair-cutting line)._ "THEY DO, INDEED, MY LOVE! THEY REMIND ONE OF THE MOST DELICIOUS 'AIR OIL!"] [Illustration: _ONE NIGHT FROM HOME._ _Wife (to Unreasonable Monster)._ "IT'S OF NO USE, GEORGE, YOUR SAYING, 'HANG IT, MARIA;' I MUST HAVE SOME PLACE TO PUT MY THINGS!"] [Illustration: _THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW._ _Policeman (who, we are bound to say, is extremely civil)._ "WHITE TICKET, MA'AM? LETTER H?--YES, MA'AM. QUITE RIGHT. OVER THE HURDLES, IF YOU PLEASE!"] [Illustration: _A SKETCH IN ST. JAMES'S STREET._ _Odious Juvenile._ "OH, LOOK YE 'ERE, BILL, 'ERE'S A VOLUNTEER CORPSE FOR YER!"] [Illustration: _MAKING THE BEST OF IT._ _Irate Proctor._ "SIR, I SENT YOU BACK TO YOUR COLLEGE ONLY FIVE MINUTES AGO, TO INVEST YOURSELF IN YOUR ACADEMICAL COSTUME!" _Fast Freshman (with affability)._ "YES! AND HERE WE ARE AGAIN! ISN'T IT ODD?"] [Illustration: _A FACETIOUS INFERENCE._ _Sarcastic Peeler._ "GOING TO 'AVE A NEW 'ORSE, THEN, CABBY?" _Cabby._ "NEW 'OSS! 'OW DY'E MEAN?" _Sarcastic Peeler._ "WHY, YOU'VE GOT THE FRAMEWORK TOGETHER ALREADY!"] [Illustration: _UNEXPECTED BLISS._ _Swell (dressing)._ "HURRAH!! BY JOVE, THERE'S A BUTTON AT THE BACK OF MY SHIRT!!!"] [Illustration: _TOO CLEVER BY HALF!_ _First Boy._ "ARE YOU IN A HURRY WITH THAT LETTER, BILL?" _Second Ditto._ "YES. IT'S TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY, AND I'M TO WAIT." _First Boy._ "WELL! WAIT HERE, AND HAVE A GAME AT PITCH AND TOSS, AND DELIVER IT IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS."] [Illustration: _THE CROSSING-SWEEPER NUISANCE._] [Illustration: _A SERIOUS DRAWBACK._ _Hideous Old Lady of Fashion (with Plain Daughter)._ "CHARMING BALL AT SIR CHARLES'S LAST NIGHT! EVERYBODY THERE--GOOD ROOMS, NOT OVER-CROWDED--CAPITAL SUPPER! DEAREST BARBARA ENJOYED HERSELF PRODIGIOUSLY! I DON'T SEE, HOWEVER, HOW I CAN WELL AVOID ASKING _HIS_ SISTER AND NIECE TO _MY_ BALL, NEXT WEEK, HE IS SO FOND OF THEM; AND YET YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GO OUT NEARLY AS MUCH AS WE DO, AND ARE NOT AT ALL IN OUR POSITION IN SOCIETY!"] [Illustration: _A TU QUOQUE._ _Sunday-School Teacher._ "OH, JOHNNY, I'M SHOCKED TO SEE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR TOP. YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR TOYS AT HOME ON A SUNDAY!" _Johnny (quick, but impudent)._ "THEN WHY DO YOU COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOP?"] [Illustration: _LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET._] [Illustration: _A HOPEFUL PROSPECT._ _Clara._ "WHAT DOES TOMMY THINK? WHY, TOMMY HAS JUST GOT A NEW LITTLE BROTHER!" _Tommy._ "HAVE I, THOUGH? HOW JOLLY!--THERE'LL BE SOMEBODY NOW TO WEAR MY OLD CLOTHES!"] [Illustration: _SERVANTGALISM._--No. XIII. _Lady._ "THEN I SUPPOSE YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF PERFECTLY COMPETENT TO HEAR THE CHILDREN THEIR LESSONS, SHOULD THEY STAY AWAY FROM SCHOOL ANY DAY?" _Candidate for Situation._ "HOH, YES, MEM! THE FAMILY I WERE WITH, SAID I HADN'T OUGHTER BE ANYTHINK BUT A NUSSERY GUVNESS!"] [Illustration: _A FINANCIAL DIFFICULTY._ _Swell (who has received Four Penn'orth of Coppers in Change)._ "HERE! BY JOVE, YOU KNOW LOOK HERE! HI! WHAT THE DEUCE!--I SAY--WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THESE HA'PENCE, YOU KNOW?"] [Illustration: _BEWARE OF ARTILLERY WHISKERS!_ THIS IS THE CRITICAL POSITION OF LOUISA AND CAPTAIN CHARLEY BANG--HIS WHISKER CAUGHT IN HER EARRING, AND PAPA KNOCKING AT THE DOOR!] [Illustration: _SELF-IMPORTANCE._ _Small Cousin._ "DO YOU KNOW, ALICE, IT JUST OCCURS TO ME THAT THE GUARD THINKS WE ARE A RUNAWAY COUPLE!"] [Illustration: _IN SEARCH OF A VICTIM._ _Alfred._ "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, UNCLE, WE WANT TO PLAY AT BEING WILLIAM TELL; WILL YOU BE SO KIND AS TO STAND WITH THE APPLE ON YOUR HEAD?"] [Illustration: _A DIFFERENCE IN OPINION._ _Boy._ "Isn't it very naughty of papa to tell stories?" _Mamma._ "Well, dear, it would be--but what do you mean?" _Boy._ "Why, papa says, that toffee is nasty trash--and it's so very delicious, you know!"] [Illustration: _SEVERE._ _Old Lady._ "Ah thin, bad luck to ye, Grigory! Where's your manners? One would think ye was in a gintleman's house, standin' before the fire with yer coat-tails up, and ladies present, too!"] [Illustration: _LATE FROM THE SCHOOL-ROOM._ _Minnie._ "I am reading such a pretty tale." _Governess._ "You must say narrative, Minnie--not tale!" _Minnie._ "Yes, ma'am; and do just look at Muff, how he's wagging his narrative!"] [Illustration: _POSITIVE FACT, OF COURSE._ A MESSAGE COMES OFF ON MRS. BLUEBAG'S LINEN, WHICH SHE IS HANGING, AS USUAL, ON THE TELEGRAPH WIRES.] [Illustration: _A DELICATE HINT._ _Sentimental Young Lady (to Friend)._ "OH, ISN'T IT A PRETTY SIGHT TO SEE THE POOR HORSE DRINK!" _Driver (confidentially and insinuatingly)._ "SURE, THIN, IT WOULD BE A DALE PRETTIER SIGHT, MISS, TO SEE _ME_ DRINK!"] [Illustration: _THE DRAWING ROOM._ (_A stoppage of a few minutes is supposed to take place._) _Dreadful Boy (on Lamp Post)._ "Oh! My eye, Bill! 'ere's a rose-bud!"] [Illustration: _A CAUTION TO THE UNWARY._ THE READER IS REQUESTED TO OBSERVE, THAT THE LOWER EXTREMITIES REPRESENTED ABOVE DO _NOT_ BELONG TO THE FAIR DAMSEL ON THE PLANK, BUT TO THE BOATMAN BEYOND, UPON WHOSE SHOULDER SHE IS LEANING.--WE, HOWEVER, RECOMMEND FLORA TO BE MORE CAREFUL HOW SHE COMPOSES HERSELF THE NEXT TIME SHE GETS OUT OF A BOAT.] [Illustration: _THE DIGNITY OF AGE._ "SO, CHARLEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE BEEN TO A JUVENILE PARTY!" _Precocious Boy._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CALL JUVENILE. THERE WAS NO ONE THERE UNDER FIVE YEARS OLD!"] [Illustration: _AN INJURED BROTHER._ _Mamma._ "DEAR! DEAR! DEAR!--WHAT A PITY IT IS YOU CAN'T AGREE!" _Small Boy._ "WELL, MAMMA, WE SHOULD AGREE, ONLY SHE'S SO UNKIND!--SHE WON'T BE A PIG, AND LET ME DRIVE HER ABOUT BY THE LEG!"] [Illustration: _THOSE HORRID BOYS AGAIN!_ _Boy (to distinguished Volunteer.)_ "NOW, CAPTING! CLEAN YER BOOTS, AND LET YER 'AVE A SHOT AT ME FOR A PENNY!"] [Illustration: _GOING OUT OF TOWN._ _Paterfamilias._ "I WAS THINKING, DARLING, THAT PERHAPS, AS IT IS A VERY LONG JOURNEY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WENT _FIRST_, AND GOT EVERYTHING COMFORTABLE. YOU COULD THEN TRAVEL DOWN WITH NURSE AND THE CHILDREN AFTERWARDS." [_Mamma doesn't seem to see it, and Nurse and Mamma-in-Law think him a brute._] [Illustration: _COMPLIMENTARY TO PATERFAMILIAS._ _Sister Amy._ "MY DEAR ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?--MAMMA WILL BE VERY ANGRY!" _Rose._ "WHY, WALTER WANTS TO BE LIKE PAPA, SO, I'M JUST THINNING HIS HAIR AT THE TOP!"] [Illustration: _YES, ON SOME PEOPLE._ THE DEAR LITTLE SPANISH HAT. OH, SO CHARMING, AND SO MUCH MORE SENSIBLE THAN A HORRID BONNET] [Illustration: _UNMINDFUL OF DIGNITARIES._ _Officious Proctor._ "SIR!!--PRAY, ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THIS UNIVERSITY?" _Military Swell._ "NO, I'M NOT, OLD FELLOW.--ARE YOU?"] [Illustration: _AN UNEXPECTED "CHANGE."_ _Railway Clerk._ "HAVE YOU GOT TWOPENCE, SIR?" _Swell._ "DEAW, NO! NEVAW HAD TWOPENCE IN MY LIFE!" _Clerk._ "THEN I MUST GIVE YOU TENPENCE IN COPPER, SIR!" (_Swell is immensely delighted, of course._)] [Illustration: _A GORDIAN KNOT FOR ROBINSON._ _Miss Selina Hardman._ "WOULD YOU BE SO GOOD, SIR, AS TO GIVE ME A LEAD OVER?"] [Illustration: _A FACT._ _Jeames._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, HERE IS _MASTER_ CARLO! BUT I CAN'T SEE _MISS_ FLOSS NOWHERES!"] [Illustration: _WIND, S.W. FRESH._ TOMKINS, WHO IS NOT GRAND IN THE LEG DEPARTMENT, SAYS, "IT'S A VERY DISAGREEABLE DAY." THE YOUNG LADIES, HOWEVER, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, ENJOY IT AMAZINGLY.] [Illustration: _OUR VOLUNTEERS._ _Foreign Party._ "MAIS, MOSIEU BOOL, I AVE ALL WAYS THOUGHT YOU VASS GREAT SHOPKEEPARE!" _Mr Bool._ "SO I AM, MOSSOO--AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BOYS WHO MIND THE SHOP!--COMPRENNY?"] [Illustration: _A COMFORTER._ _Sympathetic Swell (devoted to the Noble Science)._ "GOT A WRETCHED COLD! NO, WEALLY? THAT'S A BAD JOB, OLD FELLA,--MIGHT HA' BEEN WORSE, THOUGH--HORSE MIGHT HAVE HAD IT, YOU KNOW!"] [Illustration: _TRAVELLERS' LUGGAGE._ _Elderly Passenger._ "GOING OUT FISHING, I PRESUME, YOUNG GENTLEMAN?" _Young Ditto._ "NO! IT AIN'T FISHING-RODS--IT'S SKY ROCKETS I'M TAKING DOWN FOR MY COUSIN'S BIRTHDAY. Have A weed?"] [Illustration: _POLITICAL PROSPECTS._ _Ragged Capitalist to Ditto._ "THE WAR CAN'T LAST, SIR; FRANCE AND AUSTRIA HAVEN'T THE MEANS; THEY MUST COME TO US FOR MONEY BEFORE LONG."] [Illustration: _WHAT'S TO BE DONE IN JULY?_ WHAT'S TO BE DONE IN JULY? WHY, RIDE DOWN TO RICHMOND WITH MAMMA AND THE GIRLS, AND GIVE 'EM A LITTLE DINNER, TO BE SURE!] [Illustration: _MOST OFFENSIVE._ _Railway Porter._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, WAS THIS YOUR'N?"] [Illustration: _FRIENDLY PRESCRIPTION._ _Fiend in Human Shape._ "DON'T FEEL WELL! TRY A CIGAR!"] [Illustration: _THE ABUSE OF THE ASPIRATE._ CAPTAIN DE SMITH REMONSTRATES WITH MR. HOLMES, THE VET OF HIS REGIMENT, FOR MAL-PRONUNCIATION OF THE WORD HORSE. TO HIM THE VET: "WELL, IF A _HAITCH_, AND A _HO_, AND A _HAR_, AND A _HESS_, AND A _HE_, DON'T SPELL 'ORSE, MY NAME AIN'T 'ENERY 'OMES!"] [Illustration: "_A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED._" _Mrs. Colley Wobble._ "H'M, SO THEY ARE GOING TO TAX PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEIR OWN BEER, ARE THEY? THEN I DON'T BREW ANY MORE!"] [Illustration: _POLITE ATTENTION._ _Lady._ "OH, NONSENSE, CHILD--THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!" _Boy._ "NO, 'M. PLEASE, 'M, TWO YOUNG GENTS SAID IT LOOKED LIKE RAIN, AND I WAS TO FETCH YOU HOME IN THIS 'ERE CHEER!]" [Illustration: _AWKWARD FOR PAPA._ _Papa._ "WELL, MY DEAR, DID YOU TELL MAMMA THAT MISS MYRTLE WAS WAITING TO SEE HER?" _Child._ "YES, PA!" _Papa._ "AND WHAT DID SHE SAY?" _Child._ "SHE SAID, _WHAT A BOTHER!_"] [Illustration: _SUMMER VISITORS._] [Illustration: _THE DISTRICT TELEGRAPH._ INVALUABLE TO THE MAN OF BUSINESS. _First Partner (to Second ditto)._ "WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN! TALK OF THE INTRODUCTION OF STEAM OR OF GAS! JUST LOOK AT THE FACILITIES AFFORDED US BY ELECTRICITY. IT IS NOW SIX O'CLOCK AND WE ARE IN FLEET STREET, AND THIS MESSAGE WAS ONLY SENT FROM OXFORD STREET YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AT THREE!"] [Illustration: _RELAXATION._ _Scene--Smoking Room. Country House._ 2·30 A.M. _Country Friend (to Johnson, who has had a long tramp of it in the rain after wild birds)._ "WELL, GOOD NIGHT, OLD FELLOW! IF YOU WON'T HAVE ANOTHER WEED. REMEMBER!--CUB-HUNTING IN THE MORNING, HALF-PAST FIVE. DON'T BE LATE!"] [Illustration: _OLD SCHOOL._ _Mr. Grapes (helping himself to another glass of that fine old Madeira)._ "HAH! WE LIVE IN STRANGE TIMES--WHAT THE DOOCE CAN PEOPLE WANT WITH DRINKING FOUNTAINS!"] [Illustration: _DABBLING._ _Master Jack (to very refined Governess, who has suddenly appeared)._ "OH, MISS FINNIKIN, DO COME IN; IT'S SO AWFULLY JOLLY!"] [Illustration: _HOW TO MAKE A WATERING-PLACE PLEASANT, PARTICULARLY TO INVALIDS._ TIME, 6·30 A.M. (_A Hint to the Powers that be at Sandbath._)] [Illustration: _IN THE VOLUNTEERS._ _Small Effective._ "--AND THEN, JUST LOOK AT THE IMMENSE IMPROVEMENT IN THE PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF OUR FELLOWS!"] [Illustration: _A DAY'S PLEASURE._ OH! ISN'T IT DELIGHTFUL, GETTING YOUR BOOTS OFF AFTER A THOROUGH WET DAY'S HUNTING!] [Illustration: _SEA-SIDE STUDIES._ _Impertinent Cousin (reads)._ "_'The rocks along our Coast may be seen studded with these beautiful zoophites. * * * The skin is soft, and the tentacles are of the finest violet, mingled often with pink, mauve, green, and yellow; indeed the colours vary so much in different individuals, all alike beautiful, that it is impossible to describe them rigidly. * * * During the ebb of the tide, these creatures may be contemplated on a fine day to great advantage, and few spectacles are calculated to afford more pleasure to a lover of Nature._'--H'M!--HERE ARE TWO LOVELY SPECIMENS, FRED! YOU TAKE ONE, AND I'LL TAKE THE OTHER!"] [Illustration: _CONSIDERATE ATTENTION._ _Paterfamilias (who is stout and a Volunteer also)._ "OHO! MY NEW UNIFORM--COME HOME, I SEE!" _Family._ "YES, PA DEAR! AND WE'VE TRIED IT ON THE WATER-BUTT, AND IT LOOKS SO NICE!"] [Illustration: _PORTRAIT OF A CERTAIN STUDENT WHO IS READING SO HARD AT THE SEA-SIDE._] [Illustration: _THE LAST DAY AT THE SEA-SIDE.--PACKING UP._ _Maid (to Paterfamilias.)_ "PLEASE, SIR, MISSUS SAY YOU'RE TO COME IN, AND SIT ON THE BOXES; BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET 'EM TO, AND THEY WANTS TO BE CORDED."] [Illustration: _"WELL! THE BOLDNESS OF SOME PEOPLE!"--A SKETCH ON THE BRIGHTON COAST._] [Illustration: _AN EXCESS OF CLEANLINESS._ _Old Party (very naturally excited)._ "WHY, CONFOUND YOU! YOU ARE WIPING MY PLATE WITH YOUR HANDKERCHIEF!" _Waiter (blandly)._ "IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, SIR--IT'S ONLY A DIRTY ONE!"] [Illustration: _THE LAST SWEET THING IN HATS._] [Illustration: _A GROUND SWELL._ _Party (who doesn't suffer)._ "BRACING! AIN'T IT, JACK? I ALWAYS THINK THAT THE BEAUTY OF SAILING IS, YOU GET AIR AND MOTION WITHOUT FATIGUE. DON'T YOU THINK SO. EH?" (_Circumstances over which he has no control prevent Jack from speaking his mind._)] [Illustration: _AN EXPERIMENT ON A VILE BODY._ _Medical Pupil (after dragging a patient round the surgery, succeeds in extracting a tooth)._ "COME! THAT'S NOT SO BAD FOR A FIRST ATTEMPT!"] [Illustration: _EXTRAVAGANCE._ "NOW, YOUNG UNS, CUT AWAY--BLOW THE EXPENSE!"] [Illustration: _SCENE IN A MODERN STUDIO._ JACK ARMSTRONG HAS PAINTED A MODERN SUBJECT, FROM REAL LIFE, AND PAINTED IT UNCOMMONLY WELL.--STRANGE TO SAY, HE HAS SOLD HIS PICTURE. MESSRS. FEEBLE AND POTTER (_very high-art men, who can't get on without mediæval costume, and all the rest of it_) THINK IT A MISTAKE.--CURIOUSLY ENOUGH, _THEIR_ PICTURES ARE UNSOLD!] [Illustration: _SOMETHING LIKE A DESCRIPTION._ _Young Stickleback._ "POR-TAW! HAVE YOU SEEN A FRIEND OF MINE WAITING ABOUT HE-AW?" _Porter._ "FRIEND, SIR! WHAT SORT OF GENTLEMAN WAS HE?" _Young Stickleback._ "HAW! TALL--MILITARY-LOOKING MAN, WITH MOUSTACHERS--SOMETHING LIKE ME!"] [Illustration: _GONE AWAY!_ _Old Coachman._ "NOW, MISS ELLEN! MISS ELLEN! YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PA SAID! YOU WAS TO TAKE THE GREATEST CARE OF JOEY!" _Miss Ellen._ "SO I WILL, ROBERT! AND THAT'S WHY I AM TAKING HIM OFF THE NASTY HARD ROAD, POOR THING!"] [Illustration: _NEW LEATHERS, TOO!_ _Jones (very particular man)._ "H'M! THIS COMES OF BRINGING DOWN A BOTTLE OF HUNTING VARNISH FOR A FRIEND!"] [Illustration: _FANCY SKETCH._ THE PARTY WHO OBJECTS TO THE NEW RIDE IN KENSINGTON GARDENS--AND WON'T HE SPOUT AT THE VESTRY!] [Illustration: _A PROPER PRECAUTION._ _Mistress._ "THERE, SIR! THERE'S A BOTTLE OF EAU DE COLOGNE FOR YOU, AND DON'T LET ME HAVE OCCASION TO COMPLAIN AGAIN!" _Stirrups (the Party who looks after the Horse and Chaise)._ "YES, MUM; BUT BE OI TO DRINK IT?" _Mistress._ "NO, SIR; YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT AT TABLE TO-NIGHT, AND YOU ARE TO SPRINKLE IT OVER YOUR BEST LIVERY, THAT YOU MAY NOT BRING INTO THE HOUSE THAT DREADFUL EFFLUVIUM FROM THE STABLE THAT YOU HAVE HITHERTO DONE!"] [Illustration: _A PROBLEM FOR YOUNG LADIES._ GIVEN, THE ELEGANT REGINALD FIPPS, WHO USED TO WALTZ SO BEAUTIFULLY, PERFORMING THE ABOVE KINDLY AND MOST NEEDFUL OPERATION, AT THE END OF A PIER, WHILE THE BAND IS PLAYING--WHAT RELATION IS HE TO THE DARLING OPERATED UPON?] [Illustration: _A COINCIDENCE._ AS LITTLE GRIGLEY IS ON HIS WAY TO CALL UPON THOSE JOLLY GURLS HE MET ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, HE THINKS HE WILL HAVE HIS BOOTS TOUCHED UP. JUST AS THE POLISHING BEGINS, THE JOLLY GURLS COME ROUND THE CORNER. "DOOCED AWKWARD! WASN'T IT?" AS LITTLE GRIGLEY SAID.] [Illustration: _YOUNG ENGLAND._ _Henry._ "I SAY, CHARLEY, WHERE DO YOU DINE TO-NIGHT?" _Charley._ "AW, DINE WITH YOUR BROTHER!" _Henry._ "DOOSE YOU DO--WORST WINE I EVER DRUNK IN MY LIFE!" _Charley._ "BY JOVE, THEN, YOU NEVER DINED WITH MY GOVERNOR!"] [Illustration: _POOR LITTLE FELLOW!_ _Emily._ "WANT SOMETHING TO AMUSE YOU! WHY, I HAVE GIVEN YOU BOOK AFTER BOOK, AND LENT YOU MY PAINT-BOX, AND I'VE OFFERED TO TEACH YOU YOUR NOTES. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?" _Augustus._ "OH, AH! I DON'T CALL THAT AMUSEMENT. I WANT SOME FIGS! OR SOME GINGERBREAD NUTS! OR A GOOD LOT OF TOFFEE!! THAT'S WHAT I CALL AMUSEMENT."] [Illustration: _HELD IN CHECK._] [Illustration: _ONE OF THE RIGHT SORT._ _Grandmamma._ "WHAT _CAN_ YOU WANT, ARTHUR, TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL SO PARTICULARLY ON MONDAY FOR? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STAY WITH US TILL THE END OF THE WEEK!" Arthur. "WHY, YOU SEE, GRAN'MA--WE ARE GOING TO ELECT OFFICERS FOR OUR RIFLE CORPS ON MONDAY, AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE OUT OF IT!"] [Illustration: _A TERRIBLE THREAT._ _Master Jack._ "NOW THEN, CHARLOTTE, ARE YOU GOING TO LEND ME YOUR PAINT BOX?" _Charlotte._ "NO, SIR. YOU KNOW WHAT A MESS YOU MADE OF IT LAST TIME!" _Master Jack._ "VERY WELL. THEN I'LL PUT MY GUINEA PIG ON YOUR NECK!"] [Illustration: _ON THE WAY TO THE PARK._] [Illustration: _FIRST DAY OF THE SEASON._ _Aunt Sally (who is very particular)._ "WELL, DEAR, DID YOU HAVE A NICE RIDE?" _Diana (who is particular too, but jolly)._ "OH! _DELICIOUS_, AUNTY; AND DO YOU KNOW, WE FELL IN WITH THE HOUNDS--FOUND A FOX AT MERRY'S GORSE, RUN HIM WITHOUT A CHECK FOR TWENTY MINUTES UP TO FRIAR'S PLANTATION--BOTHERED US A LITTLE THERE, BUT WE HIT HIM OFF AGAIN, AND AWAY WE WENT AS HARD AS WE COULD SPLIT, OVER SIMMONS' ENCLOSURES--INTO BROADFIELD PARK--RIGHT THROUGH OLD LADY GOLLOP'S GARDEN--YOU NEVER SAW SUCH A SIGHT--DIDN'T STOP THERE, BUT STEAMED AWAY DOWN FRESHWATER VALE, AND KILLED HIM IN THE OPEN, CLOSE TO DOLLMAN'S HEATH--AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES BY MY LITTLE WATCH, AND CHARLEY BANGOROFT SAYS I WENT LIKE A BIRD, AND I'VE ASKED HIM IN TO LUNCH, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BECOME OF POLES AND THE COACH-HORSE!"] [Illustration: _CAPILLARY ATTRACTIONS._ _Miss Stout._ "THE WORST OF LETTING ONE'S BACK HAIR DOWN IS, THAT IT MAKES THE YOUNG MEN STARE SO."] [Illustration: _AN ENGLISH GOLD FIELD._] [Illustration: _A GOLD FIELD IN THE "DIGGINS."_] [Illustration: _WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?_ THAT EXEMPLARY YOUNG MAN, JOSIAH SMUG, OF CLAPHAM, WOULDN'T GO TO SUCH A PLACE AS EPSOM FOR THE WORLD--BUT HE HAS NO OBJECTION TO RIDE ONE OF HIS FATHER'S HORSES BY WAY OF EXERCISE.] [Illustration: WE ARE SORRY TO SAY THAT THIS IS THE SAME EXEMPLARY YOUNG PARTY AS HE APPEARED RETURNING FROM THE DERBY!] [Illustration: _THE LATEST FAST THING._ _Constance._ "OH, ISN'T IT AWFULLY JOLLY? GEORGE HAS BOUGHT THIS PRIVATE HANSOM, AND I'M GOING TO DRIVE HIM OVER TO SEE GRANDPAPA!"] [Illustration: _AMBITION._ _Lady._ "BUT I THOUGHT THAT YOU AND THE OTHER SERVANTS WERE PERFECTLY SATISFIED!" _Flunkey._ "WELL, MEM, I AIN'T IN NO WAYS DISCONTENTED WITH MY WAGES, NOR WITH THE VITTELS, NOR NOTHINK OF THAT--BUT THE FACT IS, MY FRIENDS SAY THAT A YOUNG MAN OF MY APPEARANCE OUGHT TO BETTER HISSELF, AND GET INTO A SITUATION WHERE THERE'S TWO MEN BEHIND THE CARRIDGE!" (_Poor Fellow!_)] [Illustration: _ACCEPTING A SITUATION._ MAMMA AND THAT URCHIN WILLIAM GET ROUND SAFELY, BUT AUGUSTUS AND EMILY ARE OVERTAKEN BY THE TIDE. WELL! WELL! THEY ARE ABOVE HIGH-WATER MARK, SO PERHAPS THEY WON'T BE VERY MISERABLE FOR THE NEXT HOUR OR TWO.] [Illustration: _THE SKETCHING MASTER._] [Illustration: _THE ARISTOCRATIC HOTEL COMPANY (LIMITED)._ A PROBABLE SCENE, IF OUR NOBLE LORDS GO ON DABBLING IN BUSINESS.] [Illustration: _AN INQUIRING MIND._ _Arthur._ "MAMMA! ISN'T MR. BLANQUE A WICKED MAN?" _Mamma._ "WICKED, MY DEAR! NO! WHAT MAKES YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION?" _Arthur._ "WHY, BECAUSE, MAMMA DEAR, WHEN HE COMES INTO CHURCH, HE DOESN'T _SMELL HIS HAT_ AS OTHER PEOPLE DO!"] [Illustration: _HEALTHY AND AMUSING GAME._ _Flora._ "GOOD GRACIOUS! REGINALD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN ABOUT?" _Reginald._ "OH, NOTHING! WE'VE ONLY BEEN PLAYING AT BEING TOM SAYERS AND THE BENICIA BOY!"] [Illustration: _GENEROUS OFFER._ _Cabby._ "NOW THEN, SIR! JUMP IN. DRIVE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND FOR EIGHTEEN PENCE!"] [Illustration: _NATURAL IMPATIENCE._] [Illustration: _RATHER A KNOWING THING IN NETS._ _Admiring Friend._ "WHY FRANK! WHAT A CAPITAL DODGE!" _Frank._ "A--YA-AS. MY BEARD IS SUCH A BORE, THAT I HAVE TAKEN A HINT FROM THE FAIR SEX."] [Illustration: _THE MARRIAGE QUESTION._ _Brown._ "SO, YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY OLD MRS. YELLOWBOYCE. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE A DOOCED LUCKY FELLAH!" _Jones._ "BY JOVE, I DON'T THINK THE LUCK IS ALL ON MY SIDE! IF SHE FINDS MONEY, HANG IT, I FIND BLOOD AND--HAW--BEAUTY!"] [Illustration: _NOTHING LIKE MOUNTAIN AIR._ _Tourist (who has been refreshing himself with the Toddy of the Country)._ "I SHAY, OLE FLER! HIGHLANDS SEEM TO 'GREE WITH YOU WONERFLY--ANNOMISHTAKE. WHY, YOU LOOK DOUBLE THE MAN ALREADY!"] [Illustration: _SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE._ _Photographer._ "NOW, SIR! 'AVE YER CART DE VISIT DONE?"] [Illustration: _CANINE._ _Patron._ "WELL, BUT YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT SUCH A DAWG AS THAT COULD DRAW A BADGER?" _Fancier._ "NOT DRAW A BADGER? WHY, BLESS YER 'ART, IT WOULD BE A LITTLE 'OLIDAY TO HIM!"] [Illustration: _HINT TO TRAVELLERS._ IF YOU ARE OBLIGED TO CROSS THE CHANNEL, GET AS NEAR MID-SHIPS AS POSSIBLE (NEVER MIND THE MOVEMENT OF THE ENGINES, OR THE SMELL OF THE OIL), AND--IT WILL BE SOONER OVER.] [Illustration: _LATEST FROM ABROAD--POWDER AND ALL THE REST OF IT._ _Old Miss Fribble._ "HEM! CUT THESE OLD-FASHIONED MINXES OUT--FLATTER MYSELF!"] [Illustration: _THE CLERICAL BEARD MOVEMENT._ WE DO NOT FOR ONE MOMENT PRESUME TO SAY WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR WRONG,--ONLY, IF THIS SORT OF THING IS TO PREVAIL, WHAT'S TO BECOME OF CAPTAIN HEAVYSWELL?] [Illustration: "_BY YOUR LEAVE!_" _Porter._ "NOW, MARM, WILL YOU PLEASE TO MOVE, OR WAS YOU CORDED TO YOUR BOX?"] [Illustration: _SOOTHING EXPLANATION._ _Cabby._ "YOU'VE NO CALL TO GET OUT, SIR! HE'S ONLY A LITTLE OKARD AT STARTIN'!"] [Illustration: _RESOURCES OF THE ESTABLISHMENT._ _Old Tourist._ "PRAY, WAITER, IS THERE ANYTHING TO WILE AWAY THE TIME UNTIL THE DINNER-HOUR?" _Waiter._ "YESSIR; WHICH WOULD YOU PLEASE TO TAKE, SIR?--_WINE_ OR _SPIRITS_, SIR?"] [Illustration: _A LIKELY CASE._ _Fiery Instructor to trembling Pupil._ "NOW, SIR! COME! I KNOW YOU! DON'T ATTEMPT TO BULLY ME, SIR--IT WON'T SUCCEED, I CAN TELL YOU!"] [Illustration: _RATHER VULGAR, BUT PERFECTLY TRUE._ _Boatman (in the distance)._ "I SAY, JACK, GOT A MOSSEL O' BAIT TO SPARE?" JACK. "WELL, I CAN'T LET YER HAVE NO WUMS; BUT I DON'T MIND LENDING YER A BIT O' BULLOCK'S LIVER TO OBLIGE A LADY!"] [Illustration: _STOLEN PLEASURES ARE SWEET._ PORTRAIT OF TOMKINS, UNDER THE DELUSION THAT THE PUBLIC TAKES THE OLD GENTLEMAN'S GROOM FOR HIS.] [Illustration: _THE CABMAN'S GUIDE._ _Lady._ "OH! PLEASE CABMAN, DRIVE ME TO ST. BARNABAS' CHURCH. YOU GO UP EBURY STREET, AND TAKE----" _Cabman._ "I KNOW--HOPPOSITE THE THREE COMPASSES!"] [Illustration: _FALSE ALARM, SURELY!_ _Miss Priscilla (with the Dog)._ "YES, IT'S THE WORST OF THESE WATERING-PLACES. THERE ARE SO MANY ADVENTURERS ON THE LOOK OUT FOR WIVES, THAT ONE IS ALWAYS IN FEAR OF BEING PROPOSED TO!"] [Illustration: _PITIABLE OBJECTS._ _Mr. Done (to Mr. Dreary)._ "NO! A DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS--BUT I AIN'T THE THING SOMEHOW! NO EMBAWASSMENTS OR ANYTHING O' THAT SORT. CAN'T MAKE IT OUT. S'POSE IT'S _OVERWORK_!"] [Illustration: _TOO BAD, BY JOVE! YOU KNOW._ _Swell._ "OH, NAWN-SENSE; HALF-A-CROWN'S TOO MUCH. HERE'S EIGHTEEN-PENCE. I AIN'T SUCH A FOOL AS I LOOK!" _Cabby._ "AIN'T YER, SIR? THEN I ONLY WISH YER _WOS_!"] [Illustration: _A CHANCE FOR JEAMES._] [Illustration: _VERY RUDE, INDEED._ _Little Boy._ "OH, MY EYE! THERE GOES EIGHTPENCE OUT OF A SHILLING!"] [Illustration: _NATURE WHEN UNADORNED, &c._ MAJOR ALDERSHOT, RETURNING FROM PARADE, FLATTERS HIMSELF THAT HIS RAT-TAILED CHARGER IS MUCH ADMIRED SINCE THE SADDLER HAS SUPPLIED HIM WITH A NEW TAIL.] [Illustration: _A SEA-SIDE SUBJECT.--JOLLY FOR THE PARTY IN SEARCH OF REPOSE._ _N.B. The Old Lady with the Parrot encourages Organ-Grinders, and when the Moon shines bright and clear, doesn't the Black Dog come out!_] [Illustration: _DOOSED AGGRAVATING FOR CORNET FLINDERS._ _Darling (coaxingly to Favourite Hack)._ "IT WAS A NICE 'ITTLE SOFT NOSE, IT WAS--AND IT HAD VERY NICE EYES, IT HAD--AND IT WAS VERY HANDSOME, IT WAS--AND IT WAS A NICE 'ITTLE SING ALTOGETHER!!"] [Illustration: _MRS. J. HAS THE BEST OF IT._ _Paterfamilias._ "MRS. JONES! M-MATILDA! WHY!--EH!--WHAT THE DEUCE--?" _Mrs. J._ "YES, MR. J. YOU HAVE BEEN GOING ON SO ABOUT THE CRINOLINE, THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY HOW YOU LIKED THIS STYLE OF THING. SO, COME, JONES, COME OUT FOR A WALK!"] [Illustration: _OPPOSITE OPINIONS._ WHILE THEY ARE AT SCARBOROUGH, PATERFAMILIAS THINKS HIS LITTLE ONES OUGHT TO LOSE NO OPPORTUNITY OF DRINKING THE WATERS.] [Illustration: _LA MODE--THE ZOUAVE JACKET._ _Miss Stout._ "WELL NOW DEAR, I CALL IT CHARMING, AND SHALL MOST CERTAINLY HAVE ONE MYSELF!"] [Illustration: _CAUSE AND EFFECT._ _Housemaid._ "DRAT THE BOTHERING CHINA CUPS AND THINGS. THEY BE ALWAYS A-KNOCKING UP AGAINST ONE'S CRINOLINE."] [Illustration: _NOT SUCH A BAD THING IN A SHOWER._] [Illustration: _A WICKET PROCEEDING._ _Georgina._ "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY LITTLE POPPET?" _Little Poppet._ "OH, AUNTY DEAR, WALTER CAN'T FIND HIS STUMPS, SO HE'S MAKING A WICKET OF MY BEST DOLL!"] [Illustration: _A TYRANT._ _Master Jacky (who pursues the fagging system even when home for the holidays)._ "OH, HERE YOU ARE! I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU GIRLS EVERYWHERE. NOW, YOU JUST MAKE HASTE HOME, AND PEEL ME A LOT OF SHRIMPS FOR MY LUNCH!"] [Illustration: _A MERMAID._] [Illustration: _PUTTING PRINCIPLE INTO PRACTICE._ BLOOD WILL CARRY ANYTHING--AT LEAST SO MISS FEATHERWEIGHT THINKS!] [Illustration: _CRICKET--THE PRIDE OF THE VILLAGE._ "GOOD MATCH, OLD FELLOW?" "OH YES, AWFULLY JOLLY!" "WHAT DID YOU DO?" "I 'AD A HOVER OF JACKSON; THE FIRST BALL 'IT ME ON THE 'AND; THE SECOND 'AD ME ON THE KNEE; THE THIRD WAS IN MY EYE; AND THE FOURTH BOWLED ME OUT." (_Jolly game._)] [Illustration: _PICKED UP FROM THE BEACH._ _Old Salt (who has got sixpence a-piece out of the children)._ "THERE, MY DEARS, YOU'VE GOT A KITTEN FOR A SHILLUN' AS HAD OUGHT TO 'A BIN SEVIN-AND-SIXPENCE AT LEAST; AND IF YOU'LL MEET ME HERE TO-MORRER AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SHALL HAVE SUCH A BOAT FOR A HALF-A-CROWN AS YOU COULDN'T GET AT A SHOP FOR FIVE BOB!"] [Illustration: _AQUATICS--WHEN THE BEES ARE SWARMING._] [Illustration: _PERSUASIVE._ _Conductor._ "FULL INSIDE, MUM!--ROOM ON THE ROOF, MUM!--ONLY LIKE GOING UP-STAIRS, MUM!" (_But the Old Lady isn't partial to going up-stairs._)] [Illustration: _DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE._ OFFICIOUS URCHIN RUSHES TO OPEN CARRIAGE-DOOR. JOHN AND THOMAS, TO USE THEIR OWN PHRASE, ARE "COMPLETELY NONPLUSHED!"] [Illustration: _HELPING HIM ON._ _Cruel Fair One (to silent Partner)._ "PRAY! HAVE YOU NO CONVERSATION?"] [Illustration: _A VICTIM TO OVER-EXERTION._ _Standing-up Swell._ "MORNING, CHARLEY! DOING A BIT O' PARK, EH?" _Swell (reclining)._ "YAAS.--YOU SEE I CAN'T DO WITHOUT MY WEGLAR EXERCISE."] [Illustration: _BENEVOLENCE._ MR. PUNCH HAVING HEARD OF THE EXCELLENT QUALITIES OF THE EXMOOR PONIES, PROCURES A FEW FOR THE LITTLE FOLKS!] [Illustration: _UNWELCOME PLEASANTRY._ _Frederick (who, we are sorry to say, is rather fond of chaffing his Brother-in-Law)._ "OH! LOOK HERE, ROBERT, WILL YOU HAVE THIS WITH YOU IN THE CARRIAGE, OR SHALL I PUT IT INTO THE VAN?"] [Illustration: _THE YEOMANRY SERVICE._ MR. WOBBLES, WISHING TO ACCUSTOM HIS HORSE TO THE REPORT OF FIRE-ARMS, MAKES HIS LAD FIRE A GUN AT THE CORNER OF THE LANE. AT FIRST THE EXPERIMENT IS NOT SATISFACTORY.] [Illustration: _THE NICE LITTLE DINNER._ _Tommy (who is standing a feed to Harry)._ "OH, HANG IT, YOU KNOW, FOURTEEN BOB FOR A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE! THAT'S COMING IT RATHER STRONG, AIN'T IT?" _Waiter (with perfect composure)._ "WE HAVE SOME _CHEAP_ WINE, SIR, AT HALF-A-GUINEA."] [Illustration: _A LITTLE FARCE AT A RAILWAY-STATION._ _Lady._ "I WANT ONE TICKET--FIRST!" _Clerk._ "SINGLE?" _Lady._ "SINGLE! WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU, SIR, WHETHER I'M SINGLE OR NOT? IMPERTINENCE!" (_Clerk explains that he meant Single or Return, not t'other thing._)] [Illustration: _A LUCID EXPLANATION._ "WHAT CAN BE THE MATTER WITH THE 'MAGIC,' CHARLES?" "WHY, YOU SEE, DEAR, TOM PUT HIS HELM DOWN RATHER TOO QUICK, AND SHE MISSED STAYS AND WENT ASHORE, AND THEY ARE NOW HAULING THE JIB A-WEATHER TO LET HER FILL AND PAY OFF."] [Illustration: _THE SOCIAL TREADMILL.--THE WEDDING BREAKFAST._] [Illustration: _MASTER AND MAN.--A PRETTY STATE OF THINGS._ _Master (to Swell Groom)._ "OH, SNAFFLES, I WISH TO SHOW THE NEW HORSE TO THIS GENTLEMAN--AND WE SHALL RIDE IN THE AFTERNOON." _Swell Groom._ "VERY SORRY, SIR, BUT THE OSSES ARE LOCKED UP FOR THE PRESENT, SIR! AND WHAT OSSES WAS YOU GOING TO RIDE THIS AFTERNOON? I SHOULDN'T LIKE TO 'AVE _MINE_ OUT IN THE DAMP!"] [Illustration: _BOARD AND LODGING._ _Landlady._ "YES, SIR, THE BOARD WERE CERTINGLY TO BE A GUINEA A WEEK, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW AS YOU WAS A-GOING TO BATHE IN THE SEA BEFORE BREAKFAST, AND TAKE BOTTLES OF TONIC DURING THE DAY!"] [Illustration: _THE COLLAR MANIA._ NEAT AND APPROPRIATE ORNAMENT FOR A GENT'S ALL-ROUNDER.] [Illustration: _THE LINGUIST._ _Archy._ "I SAY, JESSIE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND FRENCH?" _Jessie._ "A LITTLE--DO YOU?" _Archy._ "OH, YES--I UNDERSTAND IT VERY WELL; BECAUSE, WHEN PA AND MA TALK FRENCH, I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE A POWDER!"] [Illustration: _THE EXHAUSTED STUDENT._ _Fond Parent._ "BLESS HIS HEART--ALWAYS STUDYING! READ HIMSELF ASLEEP--GEOGRAPHY NOW, OR SOMETHING OF THAT SORT, I'LL BE BOUND?" (_No! It's the Cookery Book._)] [Illustration: _MISTAKING A TITLE._ _Constance (literary)._ "HAVE YOU READ THIS ACCOUNT OF 'THE MILL ON THE FLOSS,' DEAR?" _Edith (literal)._ "NO, INDEED, I HAVE NOT; AND I WONDER THAT YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING TO INTEREST YOU IN THE DESCRIPTION OF A DISGUSTING PRIZE-FIGHT!"] [Illustration: _VAULTING AMBITION._ "NOW THEN, CHARITY--HIGHER! YOU DON'T CALL THAT A BACK!"] [Illustration: _PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--THE MOUSTACHES._ _Lady B. (a wicked Marquis)._ "BUT HAVE YOU MADE ME FIERCE ENOUGH, CHARLES?" _Charles._ "FIERCE!--FEROCIOUS!"] [Illustration: _EXPRESS._ _Old Gent._ "THIS OSCILLATION IS VERY UNUSUAL, SIR, ISN'T IT? WE SEEM TO BE GOING A TREMENDOUS PACE!" _Swell._ "AW--YA--AS! THEY'RE MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME. I'VE JUST TIMED 'EM, AND WE'VE DONE THE LAST NINE MILES IN SIX MINUTES AND A HALF. HAVE A SMASH, PRESENTLY, AW--THINK!"] [Illustration: _A SOU'-WESTER IN A SEA-SIDE LODGING-HOUSE._] [Illustration: _THE SPOON-SHAPED BONNET._] [Illustration: _A SHOCKING YOUNG LADY, INDEED!_ _Emily (betrothed to Charles)._ "OH, CHARLES, ISN'T IT FUN? I'VE BEATEN ARTHUR AND JULIA, AND I'VE BROKE AUNT SALLY'S NOSE SEVEN TIMES!"] [Illustration: _USEFUL APPLIANCES._ "WIGGLES AND SPROTT PREFER BATHING FROM THE BEACH TO HAVING A STUFFY MACHINE. THEY ARE MUCH PLEASED WITH THE DELICATE LITTLE ATTENTION INDICATED ABOVE!"] [Illustration: _ON THE WAY TO PARADE._ _Brown (loq.)._ "CALL THIS PLAYING AT SOLDIERS, INDEED! I'D MUCH RATHER BE BEFORE 'A HOT FIRE,' I KNOW!" (_Nevertheless, Brown sticks to his duty like a man._)] [Illustration: _JOHN TOMKINS AND 'ARRY BLOATER._ _'Arry (in the Boots of the Period)._ "YES, THEY'RE DOOCED COMFORTABLE, AND THEY GIVE ONE A MILITARY AND RATHER SPORTING APPEARANCE, I FANCY."] [Illustration: _A DIP IN FRENCH WATERS._ _Jones (to Old Woman)._ "COM, SAR--WHAT DO YOU MEAN?--AM I TO BE LED DOWN LIKE THAT FOR A QUARTER OF A MILE?"] [Illustration: _SCENE--A CERTAIN GAY WATERING-PLACE._ _First Irresistible (on hack)._ "ULLO, 'ARRY! WHY, WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU HERE?" _Second Ditto._ "WHY, YER SEE, BILL, I'M PRECIOUS SICK OF WORKING FOR MY LIVING, SO I'VE COME HERE TO PICK UP AN _'AIRESS_!"] [Illustration: _THE LATEST IMPROVEMENT_ _Jane._ "LAWK, JEMIMA! DON'T THEY LOOK BEWTIFLE NOW THEY'VE GOT THEIR LONG COATS!"] [Illustration: _FIRST OF SEPTEMBER._ MR. BRIGGS GOES OUT SHOOTING WITH A BRACE OF DOGS HE HAS BROKEN-IN HIMSELF.] [Illustration: _A PROBABILITY--"HOLD YOUR ZEBRA, SIR?"_] [Illustration: _A FRIENDLY OFFER._ _Confounded good-looking Hibernian Friend (to Jones)._ "ADIEU, ME BOY! IS THERE ANYTHING I'LL DO FOR-R-R YE WHILE YE'RE AWAY? WILL I RIDE OUT, OR WALK WITH MISS PLUMLEY FOR-R-R YE, NOW! ONLY SPAKE THE WOR-R-RD!"] [Illustration: _A MATTER OF OPINION._ _Diana._ "YES, DEAR--I MUST SAY THAT I THINK A GIRL NEVER LOOKS SO WELL AS SHE DOES IN HER RIDING HABIT!"] [Illustration: _A PICTURE FOR THE INTEMPERATE._ _Photographer._ "NOW, SIR, STEP IN AND HAVE YOUR LIKENESS TAKEN, IT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO YOUR FAMILY!"] [Illustration: _THE HILL AT EPSOM._ _Irritated Swell (walking away)._ "I TELL YOU I DON'T WANT TO BE BRUSHED!" _Public Coat-Brusher._ "OH, JUST TO MAKE YOU A LITTLE TIDY, MY LORD!" _Swell._ "I SHAN'T PAY YOU!" _Coat-Brusher (still brushing)._ "THAT AIN'T O' NO CONSEQUENCE, MY LORD; BUT I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU LOOK RESPECTABLE!"] [Illustration: _POLITENESS_ _Bill._ "WELL, JIM! HOW BE YOU TO-DAY?" _Jim._ "WHAT ODDS IS THAT TO YOU?--YOU BEAN'T MY MEDICAL ATTENDANT!"] [Illustration: _A SKETCH NEAR LEICESTER SQUARE._] [Illustration: _NO DOUBT OF IT._ _Invalid (in carriage)._ "NOW, THESE POSTILIONS NEVER SEEM TO BE UNWELL! UPON MY WORD, I VERILY BELIEVE IF I WERE TO CHANGE PLACES WITH THAT LITTLE CHAP, I SHOULD BE EVER SO MUCH BETTER!"] [Illustration: _THE GALE._ "DON'T BE ALARMED, DARLINGS--THE CAPTAIN HAS GOT QUITE ENOUGH TO DO TO LOOK AFTER HIMSELF."--_Punch._] [Illustration: _SPREAD OF THE VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT.--SCENE, THE SCHOOLROOM._ _Young Larkins._ "OH, HERE'S MAMMA! NOW, MA, IF YOU'LL FALL IN BY G'INA, I'LL PUT YOU THROUGH YOUR FACINGS. 'TEN-TION!"] [Illustration: _THE PORTRAIT.--FINISHING TOUCH TO THE DRESS._ _Painter._ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU ARE SITTING ON MY PALETTE!"] [Illustration: _ON THE SANDS._ CAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WHO RIDE IN CRINOLINE ON DONKEYS.] [Illustration: _VALUABLE ADDITION TO THE AQUARIUM._ TOM (WHO HAS HAD A VERY SUCCESSFUL DAY) PRESENTS HIS SISTERS WITH A FINE SPECIMEN OF THE CUTTLE-FISH (_Octopus Vulgaris_).] [Illustration: _PRUDENTIAL ASSURANCE._ _Whipper._ "DOOCED NICE PLACE, THIS--ONLY ONE CAN'T SPEAK TO A GAL WITHOUT IT'S BEING REPORTED YOU'RE ENGAGED TO HER." _Snapper._ "HAH! I TOOK THE PRECAUTION TO GIVE OUT WHEN I FIRST CAME THAT I WASN'T A MARRYIN' MAN!"] [Illustration: _PLEASANT INTELLIGENCE._ _Boy._ "AH, YOU AND MRS. DRONE ARE COMING TO SEE US NEXT WEEK IN THE COUNTRY." _Mr. Drone._ "ARE WE?--WE HAVE HEARD NOTHING OF IT." _Boy._ "OH, YES--BECAUSE I HEARD PAPA SAY TO MAMMA, THAT THEY HAD SOME TIRESOME PEOPLE COMING, AND THEY MIGHT AS WELL ASK ALL THE BORES AT ONCE."] [Illustration: _WELL(?) BROUGHT UP._ _First Juvenile._ "MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF DANCING WITH YOU, MISS ALICE?" _Second Juvenile._ "A, NO--THANKS, I NEVER DANCE WITH YOUNGER SONS!"] [Illustration: _REAL ENJOYMENT._ _Charley (who is wet through for the ninth time)._ "OH, MA! WE'VE BEEN _SO_ JOLLY! WE'VE BEEN FILLING ONE ANOTHER'S HAIR WITH SAND AND MAKING BOATS OF OUR BOOTS, AND HAVING SUCH FUN!"] [Illustration: _A MILITIA MAN._] [Illustration: _REPOSE._ YES! BUT WE ARE SURE THAT IF ELLEN KNEW WHAT A FIGURE FREDERICK MADE OF HER BY SPRAWLING ON THE CLIFF JUST BEHIND HER, SHE WOULDN'T BE SO QUIET.] [Illustration: _TRULY DELIGHTFUL!_ GALLOPING DOWN THE SIDE OF A FIELD COVERED WITH MOLE-HILLS, ON A WEAK-NECKED HORSE, WITH A SNAFFLE BRIDLE, ONE FOOT OUT OF YOUR STIRRUP, AND A BIT OF MUD IN YOUR EYE!] [Illustration: _SKETCH FROM A STUDY WINDOW._] [Illustration: _NOVEL SUGGESTION._ THE CRINOLINE STORM SIGNAL; A WARNING TO YOUNG LADIES AT THE SEA-SIDE.] [Illustration: _A MEDIUM._ _Nursery-Maid (to horse, with great affection)._ "OH, YOU DARLING! I AM SO FOND OF YOU!"] [Illustration: _OUR INDOLENT YOUNG MAN._ _"Gar and Starter, Richmond. July 8.--Thermometer ever so much in the shade._ DEAR P., IN REPLY TO YOUR HEARTLESS LETTER, ON AFFAIRS OF A BUSINESS CHARACTER, I BEG TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM HERE, AND WITH NO INTENTION OF INJURING MY PRECIOUS HEALTH BY ANY EXERTION, BODILY OR MENTAL. MAKE WHAT USE YOU PLEASE OF THIS INFORMATION, AND ACCEPT THE ASSURANCE OF MY MOST DISTINGUISHED REGARD AND ESTEEM. SIGNED, * * * * *."] [Illustration: _SCENE AT SANDBATH._ THE FEMALE BLONDIN OUTDONE! GRAND MORNING PERFORMANCE ON THE NARROW PLANK BY THE DARLING * * *.] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. I. MR. BRIGGS, FEELING THAT HIS HEART IS IN THE HIGHLANDS, A-CHASING THE DEER, STARTS FOR THE NORTH.] [Illustration: _GOING NORTH._ "THIS CARRIAGE IS ENGAGED!"] [Illustration: _A TIT-BIT._ _Omnibus Driver (in the distance)._ "HOLLOA, JOE, NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR DUCK, I'LL SEND YOU THE PEAS!"] [Illustration: _WE SHOULD THINK IT DID._ _Clara._ "MAMMA, DEAR! I WISH YOU WOULD SPEAK TO GEORGE! HE WILL KEEP SPINNING FREDDY'S NASTY GREAT HUMMING-TOP IN MY AQUARIUM, AND IT DOES SO FRIGHTEN THE MINNOWS!"] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. II. MR. BRIGGS, PREVIOUS TO GOING THROUGH HIS COURSE OF DEER-STALKING, ASSISTS THE FORESTER IN GETTING A HART OR TWO FOR THE HOUSE. DONALD IS REQUESTING OUR FRIEND TO HOLD THE ANIMAL DOWN BY THE HORNS. (_N.B. The said animal is as strong as a bull, and uses his legs like a race horse._)] [Illustration: No. III. MR. BRIGGS AND HIS FRIENDS HAVE A QUIET CHAT ABOUT DEERSTALKING GENERALLY, HE LISTENS WITH MUCH INTEREST TO SOME PLEASING ANECDOTES ABOUT THE LITTLE INCIDENTS FREQUENTLY MET WITH--SUCH AS BALLS GOING THROUGH CAPS--TOES BEING SHOT OFF!--OCCASIONALLY BEING GORED BY THE ANTLERS OF INFURIATE STAGS, &c., &c., &c.] [Illustration: _SERVING HIM OUT._ _Mrs. T. (to T.)_ "FEEL A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE, DEAR? CAN I GET ANYTHING ELSE FOR YOU? WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR CIGAR-CASE NOW? (_Aside._) I'LL TEACH HIM TO GO OUT TO GREENWICH AND RICHMOND WITHOUT ME, AND SIT UP HALF THE NIGHT AT HIS CLUB!"] [Illustration: _POSING A CUSTOMER._ _Immense Swell._ "HAW! LOOK HEAW! IF I--HAW--TOOK A QUANTITY OF THESE THINGS, WOULD THEY--HAW--BE CHEAPAW?" _Hosier._ "WELL, SIR, THAT WOULD DEPEND! PRAY ARE YOU IN THE TRADE?" (_Feelings of Swell may be imagined._)] MR. BRIGG'S ADVENTURE IN THE HIGHLANDS [Illustration: No. IV. TO-DAY HE GOES OUT FOR A STALK, AND DONALD SHOWS MR. BRIGGS THE WAY.] [Illustration: No. V. WITH EXTRAORDINARY PERSEVERANCE THEY COME WITHIN SHOT OF "THE FINEST HART." MR. B. IS OUT OF BREATH, AFRAID OF SLIPPING, AND WANTS TO BLOW HIS NOSE (QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION). OTHERWISE HE IS TOLERABLY COMFORTABLE.] [Illustration: _PLEASURES OF VEGETARIANISM._ "OH, GRACIOUS, MISS LEGUME! I FEAR I HAVE TASTED ANIMAL FOOD. I HAVE EATEN A WHOLE EARWIG IN MY SALAD!"] [Illustration: _A LESSON IN FRENCH._ "NOW THEN, JACK! YOU TAKE THE PRONUNCIATION FROM ME, AND WHEN HE COMES, SING OUT 'VEEV LUMPHOOROAR!'"] [Illustration: _DRIED UP!_ _Boy (attending)._ "NO, SIR! NOR THERE AIN'T BIN NONE NOT FOR EVER SO LONG!" _Owing to the exceedingly dry weather, Mr. Hackle finds that the stream he has taken for fishing is not in so good a state as he could wish._] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. VI. AFTER AIMING FOR A QUARTER OF AN HOUR, MR. B. FIRES BOTH HIS BARRELS--AND--MISSES!!!! TABLEAU--THE FORESTER'S ANGUISH.] [Illustration: No. VII. THE ROYAL HART MR. BRIGGS DID _NOT_ HIT.] [Illustration: _AN INCIDENT OF TRAVEL._ _Railway Guard (as it is getting dark)._ "WOULD YOU LIKE A LIGHT IN THIS CARRIAGE, SIR?" _Swell (showing a Regalia in full blaze)._ "NO, THANKS! I HAVE ONE!" (_Exit Guard overpowered._)] [Illustration: _DEBATE ON THE NEW MINISTRY._ _Smike._ "I SAY, BILL, HOW ABOUT THE DERBY THIS YEAR?" _Bill._ "OH, NOTHIN' BUT A OAX! NOTHIN' BUT A OAX! BARRIN' THE PUN!"] [Illustration: _THE SENSATION BALL._ THE LATEST PLEASANTRY IN THE PUBLIC STREETS.] [Illustration: _THE HAYMARKET AND THEREABOUT._] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. VIII. AFTER A GOOD DEAL OF CLIMBING, OUR FRIEND GETS TO THE TOP OF BEN SOMETHING-OR-OTHER, AND THE FORESTER LOOKS OUT TO SEE IF THERE ARE ANY DEER ON THE HILLS. YES! SEVERAL HINDS, AND PERHAPS THE FINEST HART THAT EVER WAS SEEN.] [Illustration: No. IX. TO GET AT HIM, THEY ARE OBLIGED TO GO A LONG WAY ROUND, BEFORE THEY GET DOWN, THE SHOWER PECULIAR TO THE COUNTRY OVERTAKES THEM, SO THEY "SHELTER A-WEE."] [Illustration: _THE HUMOUR OF THE STREETS._ THAT ESTIMABLE MAN, MR. PUNCH, GOES FOR A RIDE ON HIS COB, AND CANNOT AGREE WITH A CERTAIN WORTHY MAGISTRATE OR "BEAK" THAT STREET-TUMBLING IS AT ALL A CLEVER OR DESIRABLE PERFORMANCE:--] [Illustration: --AND IT IS NOT A PLEASANT THING, WHEN GOING OUT TO DINNER, TO HAVE A SUMMERSAULT TURNED ON TO YOUR STOM----WE MEAN WAISTCOAT.] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. X. THE DEER ARE DRIVEN FOR MR. BRIGGS. HE HAS AN EXCELLENT PLACE, BUT WHAT WITH WAITING BY HIMSELF SO LONG, THE MURMUR OF THE STREAM, THE BEAUTY OF THE SCENE, AND THE NOVELTY OF THE SITUATION, HE FALLS ASLEEP, AND WHILE HE TAKES HIS FORTY WINKS, THE DEER PASS!] [Illustration: _TOWARDS THE CLOSE OF THE SEASON._ _Gentleman._ "WELL, TOM, THERE'S NO SCENT AGAIN!" _Huntsman (who looks upon Spring time with profound melancholy)._ "SCENT, SIR! NO, SIR! NOR I DON'T SEE HOW THERE CAN BE ANY SCENT NOW THEM STINKING VIOLETS IS ALL IN BLOOM."] [Illustration: _A SECULAR PURSUIT._ _Donald Punch (a Keeper.)_ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MY LORD BISHOP, BUT MAY I JUST TROUBLE YE TO SHOW ME YOUR CERTIFICATE?"] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. XI. AS THE WIND IS FAVOURABLE, THE DEER ARE DRIVEN AGAIN.] [Illustration: No. XII. MR. BRIGGS IS SUDDENLY FACE TO FACE WITH THE MONARCH OF THE GLEN! HE IS SO ASTONISHED THAT HE OMITS TO FIRE HIS RIFLE.] [Illustration: _IN BARRACKS._ _Field Officer of the Day._ "HULLO! WHY DON'T THE GUARD TURN OUT?" _Solitary Private._ "PLEASE, SIR, THEY'RE GONE TO TARGET PRACTICE!" _Field Officer of the Day._ "AND WHO THE DEUCE ARE YOU?" _Solitary Private._ "PLEASE, SIR, I'M THE PRISONER, SIR!" (_Related to us as a fact, but which, as a distinguished Field Officer ourselves, we don't indorse._)] [Illustration: _A BOUNCER._ _Mamma (who won't appear old if she can help it)._ "YES, DEAR! ARABELLA DOES GROW, CERTAINLY, BUT BLESS YOU, MY DEAR, SHE'S A MERE CHILD--A MERE CHILD!"] [Illustration: _CONSOLATION._ _Elegant Party._ "THERE'S ONE COMFORT NOW-A-DAYS; A GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG FELLER, WITH A HELEGANT FIGGER CAN ALWAYS BE A MODEL TO A PHOTOGRAPHER!"] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. XIII. MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY'S STALKING, AND HIS RIFLE HAVING GONE OFF SOONER THAN HE EXPECTED, HE KILLS A STAG! AS IT IS HIS FIRST, HE IS MADE FREE OF THE FOREST BY THE PROCESS CUSTOMARY ON THE HILLS!] [Illustration: No. XIV. AND RETURNS HOME IN TRIUMPH. HE IS A LITTLE KNOCKED UP, BUT AFTER A NAP, WILL, NO DOUBT, GO THROUGH THE BROAD-SWORD DANCE IN THE EVENING AS USUAL.] [Illustration: _LATE FROM THE NURSERY._ _Governess._ "NOW, FRANK, YOU MUST PUT YOUR DRUM DOWN, IF YOU ARE GOING TO SAY YOUR PRAYERS." _Frank._ "OH, DO LET ME WEAR IT, PLEASE; _I'LL PROMISE NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT_."] [Illustration: _A FINE POLISH._] [Illustration: _CONSOLING FOR CONSOLS._ _Young Hardman._ "GOING TO DINGLEY CROSS ROADS?" _Consols._ "YES!" _Y. H._ "AH, THEN, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE SENT YOUR HORSE ON!" (CONSOLS _never rides upon less than 250 guineas, and thinks himself as near perfection as possible._)] MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS. [Illustration: No. XV. _PARTRIDGE-SHOOTING._ ON HIS WAY TO THAT TURNIP-FIELD, OUR DEAR OLD BRIGGS PASSES THROUGH THE PARK IN WHICH HIS FRIEND'S FAVOURITE BISONS ARE KEPT, HE SAYS TO GEORDIE THE KEEPER: "I TRUST, MY GOOD FELLOW, THIS IS NOT THE SEASON YOU SPOKE OF IN WHICH THESE CREATURES--YOU KNOW--EH--WHAT--A--A--ARE _DANGEROUS_?"] [Illustration: _SPORTING INTELLIGENCE._ OUR EXCELLENT FRIEND, MR. BRIGGS, ALWAYS SHOOTS NOW IN KNICKERBOCKERS, AND DECLARES THEY ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THINGS POSSIBLE; AND SO THEY ARE.] [Illustration: _ENGLISH DARLINGS REFLECTED IN A FRENCH MIRROR!_ (DEDICATED TO THOSE POLITE AND PROFOUND OBSERVERS OF BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS--THE PARISIAN ARTISTS!)] [Illustration: _ENGLISH SOLDIERS ACCORDING TO FRENCH NOTIONS._ THE FRENCH CARICATURISTS, WITH THEIR USUAL ACCURATE KNOWLEDGE OF BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS, ARE FOND OF REPRESENTING OUR SOLDIERS AS CONTINUALLY PLAYING AT BILLIARDS.--WELL! PERHAPS IT WILL BE FOUND THAT THEY _DO_ PLAY THEIR _CANNONS_ REMARKABLY WELL!] [Footnote A: British Officers of Distinction] [Footnote B: Daughters of Albion! (The wonderful fidelity of this representation will be immediately acknowledged.)] [Footnote C: Young Guardsmen! (Painful, perhaps, but too true!)] [Footnote D: The _Boule Dogue_. (Asleep, of course.)] [Illustration: _IRRESISTIBLE._ _Lady._ "WHAT! TWO SHILLINGS! AND EIGHTEENPENCE FOR WAITING THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR?--NONSENSE, MAN! IT WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES BY MY WATCH!" _Cabman (insinuatingly)._ "WASN'T IT, MISS? WELL, THEN, I S'POSE IT WAS A MISSIN' O' YOUR PRETTY FACE AS MADE IT SEEM THREE KERVARTERS OF AN HOUR!" (_Fare pays, and thinks the Cabman an extremely nice person._)] [Illustration: _THE IDLE SERVANT._ _Mistress._ "YOU ARE AN EXCESSIVELY WICKED BOY, SIR! YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY LONG TIME BRINGING ME THIS LETTER--AND I MUST INSIST UPON KNOWING IN WHAT MANNER YOU HAVE BEEN IDLING AWAY YOUR TIME--SPEAK, SIR!" _Domestic._ "BOO-HOO-'M! IF YOU PLEASE, 'M! _ME AND ANOTHER BUTLER_ WAS A-LOOKING AT PUNCH. BOO-HOO!!"] [Illustration: _A LITTLE ROWLANDS' MACASSAR WANTED SOMEWHERE._ A HINT TO THE HORSE GUARDS.] [Illustration: _FRIVOLITY_]. [Illustration: _WELL OVER! ANYHOW!_] [Illustration: _THE RIDING-HAT QUESTION._ _Lucy._ "NOW TELL ME, MARY, WHICH IS THE BEST?" _Mary (who is rather horsey)._ "WELL, DEAR, FOR TEA IN THE ARBOUR, AND THAT SORT OF THING, PERHAPS THE LITTLE ROUND ONE; BUT IF YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE GOING ACROSS COUNTRY, THE CHIMNEY-POT ALL TO NOTHING!"] [Illustration: _NOT A BAD JUDGE._ _Alimentive Boy._ "MY EYE, TOMMY, WOULDN'T I LIKE TO BOARD IN THAT 'OUSE JUST!"] [Illustration: _OH, HOW JOLLY!_] [Illustration: _THE BORES OF THE BEACH._ SO! AS IT'S A FINE DAY, YOU'LL SIT ON THE BEACH AND READ THE PAPER COMFORTABLY, WILL YOU? VERY GOOD! THEN WE RECOMMEND YOU TO GET WHAT GUINEA-PIGS, BRANDY-BALLS, BOATS, AND CHILDREN'S SOCKS, TO SAY NOTHING OF SHELL-WORK BOXES, LACE COLLARS, AND THE LIKE, YOU MAY WANT, BEFORE YOU SETTLE DOWN.] [Illustration: _IMMENSE TREAT FOR THE PARTY CONCERNED._ _Master Jack._ "NOW, GRANNY, YOU MAY COME AND HAVE SOME JUMPS OVER OUR DAISY CHAIN."] [Illustration: _GOOD BLACKING._] [Illustration: _OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES._ _Diana._ "WELL, ALFRED, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND TO JOIN A RIFLE CORPS--EH?" _Alfred._ "WHY, NO. YOU SEE, I'M MORE IN THE RIDING WAY. NOW, IF THEY WILL GET UP SOME VOLUNTEER CAVALRY--WHY, I'LL FIND A MAN AND A HORSE!"] [Illustration: _CHAFF._ _Bus Conductor (slamming the door)._ "FULL INSIDE!" _Facetious Driver._ "FULL INSIDE! WELL--SO YER OUGHT TO BE; YER HAD A SIRLOIN OF BREAD AND CHEESE FOR YER TEA!"] [Illustration: _THE INVALID._ _Master._ "WELL, SAUNDERS, I SEE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO MUCH WITH THE OLD SOW, AFTER ALL?" _Saunders._ "WHY, YOU SEE MAISTER RICHARD, SHE WARENT TAKEN IN TIME, THE POWER THING, SHE WARENT--SHE'S STRUV HARD TO GET ROUND, BUT THE WEATHER'S AGIN HER, YE SEE. TO-DAY IT SHONE A BIT, AND I THOUGHT IT'D DO HER GOOD TO GET OUT. SO IN THE WARM OF THE ARTERNOON I PUT HER IN THE BARROW, AND TOOK HER FOR A LITTLE RIDE IN THE SUN!"] [Illustration: _CURIOUS EFFECT OF RELAXING AIR._ _Traveller in the Isle of Wight._ "BLESS MY HEART! THERE'S THE BELL RINGING ON THE PIER. HOLLO! WHY, WHERE'S THE CARPET BAG I LEFT IN THE PASSAGE?" _Hotel Keeper (faintly)._ "OH, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? DON'T ASK ME, I'M ONLY THE LANDLORD. YOU HAD BETTER TRY IF YOU CAN'T WAKE ONE OF THE WAITERS."] [Illustration: _FLUNKEIANA._ _French Maid._ "YOU LIKE A--ZE--SEA-SIDE, M'SIEUR JEAN THOMAS?" _John Thomas._ "_PAR BOKHOO_, MAMZELLE--_PAR BOOKHOO_. I'VE--AW--BIN SO ACCUSTOMED TO--AW--GAIETY IN TOWN, THAT I'M--AW--A'MOST KILLED WITH _ARNWEE_ DOWN HERE."] [Illustration: _PLUCK!_ _Master Cock-Robin._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, UNCLE CHARLES--IF YOU ARE AT ALL NERVOUS ABOUT THE GAROTTERS--I'LL WALK HOME WITH YOU!"] [Illustration: _A LOVING CUP._] [Illustration: _SKETCH ON THE SEA-COAST DURING THE GALE._ _Lord D-ndre-ry (to his Bwother)._ "A-A-A, I THAY THAM! WATHER A DITHPLAY OF FIGGER--EH?"] [Illustration: _A SLOW GAME._ _Chorus of Offended Maidens._ "WELL! IF CLARA AND CAPTAIN DE HOLSTER ARE GOING ON IN THAT RIDICULOUS MANNER, WE MAY AS WELL LEAVE OFF PLAYING."] [Illustration: _SCENE--A MAN'S ROOMS IN THE TEMPLE._ (STEADY MAN SMOKES A SHORT PIPE, AND JAWS AT THE YOUNG SWELL LOUNGING IN EASY CHAIR.) _Steady Man._ "A MAN MUST _WORK_ NOW-A-DAYS, OR HE GETS LEFT BEHIND. THE ONLY POSITION WORTH HAVING IS WHAT
{'title': "John Leech's Pictures of Life and Character, Vol. 3 (of 3) by John Leech", 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}