Produced by Chris Curnow, Les Galloway and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day MR. PUNCH AT HOME [Illustration: A note at the foot of a page] [Illustration: A FIRST ESSAY IN HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Jones._ "What is it, my pet?" _Mrs. J._ "This rabbit (_sob_)--I've been plucking it--(_sob_)--all the afternoon, and it isn't half done yet!"] MR. PUNCH AT HOME THE COMIC SIDE OF DOMESTIC LIFE [Illustration: Maid with broom] AS PICTURED BY F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, C. SHEPPERSON, DAVID WILSON, FRED PEGRAM, GUNNING KING, L. RAVENHILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, A. W. MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, AND OTHERS _WITH 130 ILLUSTRATIONS_ PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" [Illustration: 3 decorative leaves] THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN [Illustration: Mr. Punch at desk] [Illustration: Man in dressing gown reading Punch] IN SLIPPERED EASE Just because MR. PUNCH is eminently representative of all our national characteristics is he something of a good old-fashioned Philistine in his domestic circle. We find him, in his notions of home life, distinctly partial to the cosy comfort that is associated the world over with "The Englishman's Castle." He enjoys the delights of his own fireside, the pleasures of his table, the society of his womenkind, the casual visits of his friends, no less, and perhaps much more, than the formal functions to which the phrase "At Home" is also applied. "Mr. Punch at Home" is in a sense the complement of "Mr. Punch in Society." It touches on musical evenings, dances, the social life generally, but more particularly the domestic side of it--the servant difficulty, the humours of the kitchen and the butler's pantry. It gives glimpses of home life in the country as well as in town; among the poor as well as among the rich; in flats and lodgings as well as in suburban villas and the mansions of the West End. John Leech dealt largely with the servant girl trouble, but as many of his jokes were topical and have lost most of their point with the passing of the topic, and as others have an old-fashioned air with them and are not so smart or so pointed as those by later artists, preference has been given to the moderns. [Illustration: Mr. Punch] MR. PUNCH AT HOME [Illustration: Mr. Punch sitting in library] THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"You remember that party at Madam Gelasma's, to hear Joachim, Rubinstein, and the Henschels, and De Soria--quite a _small_ party?" "No; I wasn't there!" "No? Ah--well--it _was_ very select!" * * * * * THE GREATEST QUESTION OF THE DAY.--"My dear, what will you have for dinner?" * * * * * OUR WHIST PARTY.--_Major MacFlush_ (_at close of rubber, to partner_). Didn't ye see me call for trumps? _Partner_ (_a new hand_). You may have called, Major, but I never heard you! * * * * * UNDESIRABLE BRIC-A-BRAC.--Family jars. * * * * * MEM. FOR YOUNG HOUSEWIVES.--To make both ends meet--burn the candle at 'em. * * * * * "PLEASANT it is when the woods are green," as paterfamilias observed when all the doors in his new villa took to warping. * * * * * THE DEAR THINGS.--_He._ You know Jones's wife, an old schoolfellow of yours; tell me, is she musical? _She (her dearest friend)._ I should say decidedly not, or she wouldn't be so fond of hearing the sound of her own voice. * * * * * THE KITCHEN-RANGE-FINDER.--The policeman! * * * * * MOTTO FOR THE LADY OF THE HOUSE.--Don't worry about trifles; make a blanc-mange. * * * * * _Visitor._ "Do you have any difficulty in getting servants?" _Hostess._ "None whatever. We've had ten different ones in the last month!" * * * * * [Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Cook._ "Wasteful, mum? Well, mum, that's one thing I'm _not_! Why, everythink in the eatin' an' drinkin' way that comes down from hupstairs, I make a point of finishin' up myself, mum!"] WANTED! The Lady and Gentleman Help Association can find excellent positions for-- A Lady Help with twenty thousand a year, who can help her husband to enjoy existence. A Lady Help with deft fingers, who can open oysters, peel walnuts and prawns, and make toast. A Lady Help who can draft a speech that will suit an ex-Secretary of State at a Social Science Congress. A Lady Help who can do the same for a mild and moderate Bishop at a Church Congress--extra wages will be given for assistance in the composition of charges. A Lady Help who can drive Four-in-Hand, for a coach to be started from Hatchett's Hotel to Coventry. A Lady Help who is absolutely helpless--none need apply unless they can show that they are good for nothing. Also-- A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and comb their hair carefully. [Illustration: THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCE.--_Sympathetic Visitor._ "Poor _dear_ Mr. Smith, how he must suffer with all that sneezing and coughing." _Mrs. Smith._ "He does, indeed; but you can't think how it amuses the baby!"] A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars, and assist in smoking them. A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing machine and a private apparatus for the distillation of whiskey. A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan of Turkey to pay the interest on his debts. A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of the weather to turn on a little more sunshine. * * * * * AT THE SMITHSON'S DANCE.--_Young Innocent._ "I beg your pardon, did I tread on your foot that time?" _Sweet Girl (very sweetly)._ "Oh, no, not _that_ time!" * * * * * "MARY, there's three months' dust in the drawing-room!" "That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've only bin here a fortnight!" * * * * * [Illustration: "You're dreadfully untidy again, Mary! I don't know what the baker will think of you when he comes." "The _baker_ don't matter, 'm. The _milkman's_ bin!"] * * * * * _Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill)._ "Has he had any lucid intervals?" _Mrs. Perkins (with dignity)._ "'E's 'ad nothink except what you ordered, Doctor!" [Illustration: T'OTHER WAY ROUND.--_He._ "That's Lady Passeh. She's got an action on at the courts, asking for £5,000 damages." _She._ "Damages! I should have thought she'd have asked for _repairs_."] [Illustration: THE EYE AS AN AID TO THE EAR.--_Young Lady (repeating conversation to deaf old gentleman)._ "Miss Frills says it gave her such a fright." _Deaf Old Gent._ "Eh? I didn't quite--" _Young Lady._ "_Such--a--fright!_" _Deaf Old Gent._ "Ah, yes--I agree with you--so she is!"] * * * * * WHY, NATURALLY.--"Cook, ought I to write Salvation Army in _converted commas_?" * * * * * ORTHODOX.--_The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going round his new parish)._ "Of course, you observe Lent, Mrs. Rickyard?" _Mrs. Rickyard._ "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev pancakes o' Shrove Tuesday!" * * * * * AN EXCUSE.--_Mistress._ "Another breakage, Jane? And a wedding present, too! How ever did you do it?" _Jane (sobbing)._ "They al--ways break--when I--drop 'em!" * * * * * APPRECIATIVE.--_Amateur Tenor._ "I shall just sing one more song, and then I shall go." _Sarcastic Friend._ "Couldn't you go first!" * * * * * "ENTERING THE SOCIAL CIRCLE."--Making the first cut into a round of beef. * * * * * _He._ "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has--like spun gold!" _She (her rival)._ "Yes--fourteen carrot." * * * * * [Illustration: _Mabel._ "We always do this when mater's out, uncle. Saves all the bother of talking. Ripping idea, isn't it?"] [Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT _General Blaxer._ "Ah, partner, do you--er--discard from--er--strength or weakness?" _Mr. Mildman._ "Er--er--generally from _fright_!"] [Illustration: _The Mere Man._ "I--er--leave it to you." _His Partner._ "Coward!"] * * * * * THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Tomlinson._ "Good-bye, Miss Eleanora----" _Miss Eleanora._ "But you've _already_ said good-bye to me, Mr. Tomlinson?" _Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech)._ "Have I, really? Well, one can't do a pleasant thing too often, you know!" * * * * * FELINE AMENITIES.--_Fair Hostess (who is proud of her popularity)._ "Yes; I flatter myself there's not a door-bell in the whole street that's so often rung as mine!" _Fair Visitor._ "Well, dear, _I_ had to ring it _five times_!" * * * * * BACHELOR HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Brown._ "Pray, Jane, what on earth is the reason I am kept waiting for my breakfast in this way?" _Jane._ "Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the house!" _Mr. Brown._ "Now, upon my word! How can you annoy me with such trifles? No _bread?_ then bring me some _toast_." [_Exit Jane in dismay._ [Illustration: SOCIAL INSINCERITIES.--_His Lordship (vociferously, with the rest)._ "_Brava! Encore!_ Go on! I could listen all night!" (_Aside, to footman_). "Just see if my carriage is come. Look sharp!"] HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. _To destroy black-beetles._--Turn a pack of fox-hounds into the kitchen. _To cure smoky chimneys._--Discontinue fires. _To get rid of ghosts._--Use disinfecting fluid copiously. _To expel dry-rot._--Soak the places affected with the finest dry sherry. _To get the servants up early in the morning._--Send them to bed early at night. _To revive the fire._--Tie up the front-door knocker in a white kid glove. _To prevent the beer going too fast._--Possess the key to the mystery. _To avoid draughts._--Don't take any. _To destroy moths._--Collect butterflies. _How to keep plate clean._-Wrap it up in silver paper. _How to dispose of old newspapers._--Put them into the brown study. * * * * * THE MOST CONTINUOUS BREAK WE KNOW. Our housemaid's. [Illustration: _The Duchess (who takes a great interest in all her servants, and has a large house-party)._ "Oh, so you're the new scullery maid. I hope you like your place?" _New Scullery Maid._ "No, my lady. I want to leave next week. I can't stand these late dinners. All the ladies as I've ever been connected with have just took a bit of something in their 'ands, and there wasn't all this washing up!"] * * * * * LATIN AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.--_Sursum-corda_--"I double hearts." * * * * * STIRRING EVENT.--Mixing a plum-pudding. * * * * * SENTIMENT FOR THE SERVANTS' HALL.--May we never smell any powder but what is white! * * * * * GOOD KNIFE FOR FRUIT.--"_Le Sabre de mon Pear._" * * * * * KITCHEN DRESSERS.--Fine cooks. * * * * * SELF-RESPECT.--_Cook (to fellow-servant who has been after a new place)._ "Well, 'Liza, will it suit?" _Eliza._ "Not if I knows it! Why, when I got there, blest if there wasn't the two young ladies of the 'ouse both a-usin' of one piano at the same time! 'Well,' thinks I, 'this _his_ a comin' down in the world!' So I thought I was best say good mornin'!" * * * * * THE BACK-DOOR BELL.--A pretty kitchen maid. [Illustration:_Prize Idiot (who doesn't know all the family)._ "Beastly slow here. I'm off. Which way do _you_ go home?" _Son of the House._ "I'm there now."] * * * * * NOT SO BAD AS THEY SEEM.--Mistresses show more consideration for their servants than is generally supposed. Not long ago Mrs. Fidgitt was heard telling Mary Ann that she had been scouring the whole house for her. * * * * * HOW WE ARRANGE OUR LITTLE DINNERS.-- _Mistress._ "Oh, cook, we shall want dinner for four this evening. What do you think, besides the joint, of ox-tail-soup, lobster patés, and an entrée--say, beef?" _Cook._ "Yes,'m--Fresh, or Austr----?" _Mistress._ "Let's see? It's only the Browns--tinned will do!" * * * * * MOTTO FOR A SERVANTS' HALL.--"They also serve who only stand and wait."--_Milton._ * * * * * "COOK'S" EXCURSIONIST.--Her policeman on a trip. * * * * * SWEET SIMPLICITY.--_Visitor._ "Jane, has your mistress got a boot-jack?" _Maid-of-all-work._ "No, sir; please, sir, I clean all the boots, sir!" [Illustration: BEFORE THE RECEPTION.--_Lady of the House (instructing new page)._ "Have you ever been at a party before, Riggles?" _Riggles._ "Honly as a _guest_, mum."] [Illustration: SYMPATHETIC.--_Young Wife (rather nervously)._ "Oh, cook, I must really speak to you. Your master is always complaining. One day it is the soup, the second day it is the fish, the third day it is the joint--in fact, it is always something or other." _Cook (with feeling)._ "Well, mum, I'm truly sorry for you. It must be quite _hawful_ to live with a gentleman of that sort."] [Illustration: _Mary (the new housemaid who visits the study for the first time, and is unaware that poor Snooks is suffering from a violent headache and has been ordered to keep a damp cloth round his head and wear goggles)._ "Lawk-a-mussy!" _Mrs. Snooks (appearing at door)._ "What's the matter, Mary? _It's only master!_"] * * * * * EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife (engaging manservant)._ And can you wait at dinner? _Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've done. * * * * * UNCONSCIOUSLY APPROPRIATE.--_Jane._ 'Allo, Hemma, what are yer a-crying about? _Hemma._ Missus 'as given me the sack because I knocked over some of them hornaments she calls "break-a-break." * * * * * _Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice)._ "Oh, certainly! You can go, of course; but, as you have been with me for nine years, I should like to know the reason?" _Thomas._ "Why, sir, it's my _feelins_. You used always to read prayers, sir, yourself--and since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin a-reading of 'em. Now I can't _bemean_ myself by sayin 'Amen' to a guv'ness." * * * * * THE FORCE OF HABIT.--Our coachman, when he waits at table, always commits the same fault: he whips away the plates too soon. [Illustration: A GOOD START.--_New Maid Servant (just arrived)._ "May I harsk if my young man 'as called yet?"] [Illustration: FEMININE AMENITIES _Mabel (not in her first youth)._ "First of all he held my hand and told my fortune; and then, Evie, he gazed into my face ever so long, and said he could read my thoughts! Wasn't that _clever_ of him, dear?" _Evie._ "Oh, I suppose he read between the lines, darling."] * * * * * NEW VERSION.--It was the reflection of a thoughtful hall-porter that the self-denying man must be the man who says he is not at home when he is. * * * * * A DISCHARGE WITHOUT A REPORT.--A servant dismissed without a character. * * * * * DIAGNOSIS.--"Is the rector better to-day, Jarvis?"--"No, sir; not any better, sir!" "Has he got a _locum tenens_?"--"No, sir. Same old pain in the back!" [Illustration: _Hostess._ "And do you really believe in christian science?" _Visitor._ "Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter lately, and it's such a comfort to know that I _really_ have _no body_!"] BELGRAVIAN MAXIMS BY A FASHIONABLE VALET. The real essence of a gentleman is perfume. You know the snob by his hands--the gentleman by his boots. It is easier to pardon a hole in a person's manners than one in his coat. In the noblest park there are mushrooms. One grows rich, but one is born elegant. With men, as with monuments, position is everything. We make our money in London, but we spend it in Paris. Society has but little faith, except in scandal. Joke with an inferior, and you tumble to the level of that inferior. There are many stylish men, but very few men of style. Shopkeepers are the counters in the game of life. When we have no ready money, we are only too glad to use them. A lady is an angel that ought never to touch the earth, excepting when she is stepping from the door to her carriage. [Illustration: A JU-JITSUOUS HINT--_Fair Victim._ "Pardon, Mr. Snobbarts, this is a waltz, I believe, not a bout of ju-jitsu!"] Anything that reveals a compromise with one's pocket is inelegant, as for instance, Berlin gloves. In my opinion, naked-handed poverty is a thousand times preferable. You can generally tell "a son of the soil" by the amount he carries in his nails. England gives us meat, and France sends us cooks. The gentleman is known at once by his walk, the lady by her carriage. Credit is the homage that trade pays (and sometimes pays very dearly) to rank. * * * * * _Not so Bad as Volodyovski._--_Lady (to applicant for nursemaid's place)._ What is your name? _Applicant._ Hermyntrude, mum. _Lady._ Good heavens! That would never do. Can't you think of something shorter? _Applicant (after a pause)._ Well, mum, my young man allus calls me Carrots. * * * * * _Simple Fractures._--Servants' breakages. [Illustration: "Ah, mum; I'm a 'eap better in my 'eart since last time you come 'ere a-districk visitin'. It's all along o' thisher little book '_Hernest Words to the Young_' as I pinched outside a bookshop wen the propperrieter was a-lookin' the other way. A power o' good it 'ave done me!"] * * * * * _The Beau Ideal of a Cook._--One who cooks a rabbit _to a hare_! * * * * * _A Servant on Spiritualism._--It is fortunate that rapping spirits, which seem very tricksy beings, do not seem to be able to move street-knockers. Otherwise we should continually be going to answer a rap at the door, and coming back, saying, "Please'm only a ghost." * * * * * THE FORCE OF HABIT.--_Missus (who is acting as amanuensis to Mary)._ "Is there anything more you wish me to say, Mary?" _Mary._ "No, marm, except just to say, please excuse bad writin' and spellin'." * * * * * A TRIUMPH IN COOKERY.--When the cook makes a hash of the marrow-bones. * * * * * _Mistress (to new maid)._ "Well, Mary, I've tried to apportion you different duties for each day in the week, so that you may have variety in your work. You've been here a month now. Just tell me which day you like best?" _Maid._ "Please, mum, _my day out"!_ [Illustration: THE TEST OF COURAGE.--_She._ "You men are such cowards." _He._ "Anyhow, one of us married you!"] [Illustration: "NOT NEGOTIABLE!"--_Impecunious Lodger._ "Jemima, did you ask Mrs. Maggles whether she would take my I. O. U. for this quarter's rent as I'm rather----" _Maid of all Work._ "Yes, sir, and she say she won't, sir, not if you was to hoffer 'er the 'ole halphabet!"] [Illustration: A BLANK PAGE.--_Sir Patrick._ "Then, I presume you know a little about cleaning silver, waiting at table, and so on?" _Jenkins._ "Nothing whatever, sir. But I do not suppose there is anything which intellect may not overcome!!"] * * * * * SEASONABLE.--A servant, to whom money is an object, during the present winter offers (unbeknown) to let out his master's study fire by the hour. For terms apply to the Pantry, Belgravia. * * * * * "SLIGHTLY MIXED."--_Mistress (to maid, who has just received a month's notice)._ "I would rather not give you a character at all. But if you insist upon it, of course I shall tell the truth about you." _Maid._ "And if you do, ma'am, I shall suttingly bring an action for defimation o' character!" * * * * * THE FLUNKEY MILLENNIUM..--When every _valet_ shall be exalted * * * * * INHABITED HOUSE DUTY.--The servants'. And I wish they'd do it.--Yours, paterfamilias. * * * * * SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.--_Housemaid._ "We're getting up a sweepstakes, Mrs. Thrupp. Won't you join?" _Housekeeper._ "Gracious me, child; not I! Why if I _won_ a horse I shouldn't know what to _do_ with him!" [Illustration: EARLY DOMESTIC TRIALS.--_Young Wife (in great trepidation--to her brother)._ "Tommy, I'm going to give the cook warning. Just listen at this corner, and as soon as you hear me say, 'Cook, I give you a month's warning from to-day,' mind you call me, and say I'm wanted immediately!"] METROPOLITAN HOUSEHOLDERS' CLUB We understand it is in contemplation to get up a club for the purpose of endeavouring to improve the quality of servants. The indifference of the material is very much against the project, but the effort is worth making. A few old housekeepers have determined to set the scheme on foot by offering a few prizes, of which the following is a catalogue:-- For the Cook who has lived longest in one place without including whole candles under the general head of kitchen-stuff _One pound_ For the Nurse who has walked oftenest in the Park without speaking to a Horse-guard _Ten shillings_ For the Housemaid who has remained longest in a situation in which the cat has not been in the habit of doing wilful damage to the crockery _Five shillings_ [Illustration: _Lady (engaging a maid)._ "Was your last mistress satisfied with you?" _Maid._ "Well, mum, she said she was very pleased _when I left_!"] For the Cook who has been the greatest number of years in service without resigning her own heart and her mistress's cold meat to the devouring passion of a policeman _Fifteen shillings_ For the Nurse who has remained the longest time in a place without mistaking the children's linen for her own, and given the baby the fewest private punches and pinches _Seven shillings_ For the Female Servant who has set off on Sunday evenings to go to church, and found her way there oftenest _Five shillings_ For the Page who has opened the smallest number of notes in the longest period of service _Half-a-Crown_ For the Groom who has best carried out the principles of protection with regard to his master's corn _Ten shillings_ For the Footman who has worn the fewest of his master's shirts _One shilling_ The above are only a few preliminary prizes, but if the scheme can be effectually carried out, there is every intention to offer rewards for a variety of other qualities. In the present day, when servants are always "bettering" themselves, which means growing worse and worse, the project of a prize club for this troublesome class seems fraught with the most promising prospects. * * * * * [Illustration: SPEEDING THE STAYING GUEST.--_Hostess._ "Won't _you_ sing something, Mr. Borely?" _Mr. B._ "Yes, if you like. I'll sing one just before I go." _Hostess_. "Well, _do_ sing _now_, and perhaps Miss Slowboy will accompany you."] * * * * * _Mistress._ "Did Mrs. Brown say anything when you told her I was out?" _Maid._ "Yes, 'm. Mrs. Brown, mum, said, 'Thank Heaven!' mum." * * * * * OUT OF HER ELEMENT.--The last place which you would expect a woman to like is--a stillroom. * * * * * "CUISINE."--_Mistress._ "Susan, we're thinking of having a pig's head boiled for dinner. You understand it, I suppose?" _Cook._ "Oh no, m'um. I told you before I came I didn't understand game!" * * * * * "IN THE QUEEN'S NAME."--_Martha the Cook (to Lizzy the Housemaid)._ "'Ere's an 'orrible mistake. In 'is subscripshion list the heditor 'as spelt your name with a "hi" and a "he" instead of a "y."" [Illustration: "A GHOSTLY VISITANT" _Mistress (returning)._ "Any one to see me, Mary?" _Mary._ "Yes, mem. An insanitary spectre." [_But it was only the sanitary inspector who had called regarding some alterations that were going on._ ] "THE FROGS" AT OXFORD. SCENE--_Parlour of Private House, Oxford._ TIME-_Quite recently. Cook wishes to speak to her Mistress._ _Cook._ Please, 'm, I should like to go out this evening, 'm, which it's to see them Frogs at the New Theayter. _Mistress._ But it's all Greek, and you won't understand it. _Cook._ O yes, 'm. I once saw the Performin' Fleas, and they was French, I believe, leastways a Frenchman were showin' of 'em, and I understood all as was necessary. [_After this, of course she obtains permission._ * * * * * DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Cook (to Vicar's Wife)._ "And what's to be done with the sole that was saved yesterday, ma'am?" * * * * * _Bucolic Boot-boy._ "I say, Sarah, wotever be a creematorium?" _Metropolitan Maid._ "Oh, you _are_ an ignorant boy! Why, it's French for a milkshop, of course!" [Illustration: _Mistress (soliloquizing)._ "I'm afraid this hat's rather out of date." _Maid._ "Oh, no, mum. It's quite fashionable. Cook has just bought one exactly like it!"] [Illustration: _Domestic._ "There's a gentleman wants to see yer on business." _Master._ "Well, ask him to take a chair." _Domestic._ "He's taking 'em all, and the table too. He comes from the furniture shop!"] [Illustration: FOREIGNERS ARE ALWAYS SO VERY POLITE.--_Charming Hostess._ "_Do_ have some of my cake. I don't believe you've ever tasted my own make?" _Delightful Foreigner (wishing to be polite)._ "Indeed--indeed I have, and I assure you I did not wish to eat anything else for days after!"] LADY HELPS On this subject much nonsense has been written. They are quite as suitable (perhaps more so than otherwise) to the cottage as to the castle. The cottage need not have a name spelt with a Celtic series of dissonant consonants. A few hints may be advisable to the numerous "Lady Helps" at present in the market. A Lady may efficiently help the mistress of the household to snub her husband, by adroitly echoing (and improving) the said mistress's remarks of a personal character. A Lady may help the Cook to produce an original dinner, by suggesting fresh combinations, which will make the said Cook indignant, and even furious. A Lady may help the Butler effectually, by decanting the '45 port, and shaking it a little first as you would Daffy's Elixir. A Lady may help the visitors to the house by reading all the letters that may chance to be thrown aside, and taking advantage of any private intelligence they contain. [Illustration: _Mistress._ "Oh, Gwendolen, whatever _have_ you done!" _Gwendolen._ "It's all right, m'm. I 'aven't 'urt myself!"] A Lady may help the master of the house by a flirtation in the library, while the mistress is away on a round of visits. A Lady may help the daughters to quiet talks in the Park with ambitious Curates. A Lady may possibly help the son and heir to--herself. You see, there are ladies and ladies, as there are _fagots et fagots_, and _Mr. Punch_ has his suspicions of the Lady Helps of the future. * * * * * ADVICE TO SERVANTS OF ALL WORK.--"Learn to labour and to wait." * * * * * HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Husband (devoted to spouse and bridge)._ What shall we christen the little dear? _Wife (still more devoted)._ I've been thinking--why not--_Bridget?_ _Husband (delighted)._ By all means. For luck. * * * * * "HARD LINES."--_Mistress (to former Cook)._ "Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?" _Ex-Cook._ "Well, mum, as you wouldn't give me no character, I've been obliged to marry a soldier!" [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Hostess (who has just sung)._ "Are you _quite_ sure you don't sing, Captain Lovell?" _Captain Lovell._ "I assure you--a--I've no voice whatever. A--unfortunately, I--I'm a _listener_!"] [Illustration: INTUITION.--_Ethel (to Mary, her bosom friend, who has been admiring the diamonds, and now hears for the hundredth time how it all came about)_. "I don't know exactly what it was; but somehow I felt, from the moment we met last night, that he meant to propose. _Something_ about him--something in his voice----" _Mary._ "Ah, I see, there was the true _ring_ in it!"] [Illustration: "Oh, please, 'm, th' noo paarson's called to see you." "Very well, Mary. I hope you've shown him in, and asked him to sit down?" "Oh, yes, 'm, ah've _loosed 'im into the drawing-room_!"] HOW TO GROW A PINK OF FASHION This Pink must be planted in the most aristocratic soil. The mould should be the very mould of form. It grows mostly in the open air, and Belgravia may be looked upon as the great nursery for these Pinks. Several favourable specimens, also, have been reared at the theatres, the Italian and French operas, and similar fashionable forcing houses. It is met with in great profusion at the balls of the nobility. The latter specimen, however, cannot bear the daylight. It is put into a hot bed the first thing when carried home in the morning, and there it remains closed up and almost dead until the evening, when it just begins to lift its drooping head. It is about twelve o'clock at night that it is seen to the most blooming advantage. Your Pink of Fashion is watered with a liquid called champagne, and, if it is at all faint, a little piece of chicken and ham, and a few crumbs of bread, applied to the mouth of the delicate flower, will revive it wonderfully. It is a very tender plant, though it has been known to bloom for two or three seasons. The greatest care, however, is requisite to keep it from the cold, for its beauty is so sensitive, that the slightest neglect will nip it in the bud. The Pink is of several colours, but the white with a beautiful maiden blush is the specimen the most preferred. This Pink usually carries its head very high, and, though not distinguished for any particular amount of scents, still it is eagerly taken in hand in society for its (s)talk. The Pink of Fashion is mostly single, but cases of double Pinks have been recorded. The double (or married) Pink, however, does not excite one half the interest of the one that is single. [Illustration: MUSIC AT HOME.--_Mrs. Smith_ (fortissimo, _to Mrs. Brown, in one of those sudden and unexpected pauses with which Herr Signor Hammerantonga is fond of surprising his audience_). "And so I gave her a month's warning on the spot!"] [Illustration: _Farmer Twentystone, from Mudshire, visits his recently married niece at Lavender Villas, Brixton._ _Housemaid._ "Will you sit down, if you please, sir?"] [Illustration: FEBRUARY 14 _Mistress._ "So you want me to read this love-letter to you?" _Maid_. "If ye plaze, mam. And I've brought ye some cotton-wool ye can stuff in yer ears while ye rade it!"] [Illustration: _Her Ladyship (who has been away from home for Christmas)._ "Well, Blundell, I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas dinner?" _Blundell._ "Yes, thank you, my lady. Ahem! I--er--took the liberty of obtaining--_in the absence of your ladyship_--the biggest goose procurable!"] [Illustration: BRASS.--_Sympathetic Old Lady._ "Oh dear, dear! I do so feel, Mabel, for that poor man with the long trumpet."--(_She must mean the trombone in this street band._)--"All through the piece, dear, he's been trying to fix it right, and he can't do it, poor fellow!!"] [Illustration: SISTERS! (_Before the ball._)--_Pierrette (changing the subject after a recent tiff in which she has come off victorious)._ "This glass is better, Rose. I can see myself here beautifully!" _Pompadour (seeing her opportunity)._ "Plainly, I suppose you mean."] [Illustration: _Sentimental Youth (to partner shaken by a passing tremor)._ "Oh, I hope you don't feel cold?" _She._ "Not at all, thanks. Only 'the grey goose walking over my grave.'" _Sentimental Youth (with effusion)._ "Happy goose!"] THE SERVANTS' COLLEGE Mr. Punch rejoices to hear that "the greatest plague of life" has a slight chance of being abated by the establishment of a College for Servants, who will be educated in the most careful way to do justice to their employers--the main idea being that most lucidly stated by the Dean of Saint Patrick's, that it is the chief duty of every servant to ascertain the full amount of his master's income, and to spend the whole of it on his own department. Having been favoured with an early copy of the subjects with which the courses will commence, _Mr. Punch_ is glad to give to this useful undertaking the advantage of his worldwide publicity. CLASS 1. _Lady Housekeepers._--"How to manage a widower with young children. In three heads: 1, Domestication; 2, Flirtation; 3, Temptation." CLASS 2. _Cooks._--"How to make the kitchen-fire too hot for the missus, and too cool for the sirloin." [Illustration: _Son of the House._ "Aren't you dancing this? May I have the pleasure? I'm trying to do my duty all round to-night!"] CLASS 3. _Butlers._--"How to substitute Marsala for Madeira, and _Vin ordinaire_ for Château-Lafitte." CLASS 4. _Lady's-Maids._--"How to look much prettier than the young ladies when there are visitors in the house." CLASS 5. _Footmen._--"How to make a fortune out of six feet two in height, and calves nineteen inches round." CLASS 6. _Men and Wives._--"How to keep their quarrels to themselves, and feed their 'incumbrances' in the neighbourhood." CLASS 7. _Coachmen and Grooms._--"How to make the corn supplied to the stables more useful than if wasted on dumb animals." CLASS 8. _Housemaids._--"How to train that noble animal, the harmless necessary cat, to break glass and snap up unconsidered trifles." It can scarcely be doubted, from this preliminary syllabus of lectures, that the new Institution will do much for the comfort, economy, and refinement of our households. * * * * * "CHAMBER MUSIC."--Baby! [Illustration: _Lady Sneerwell._ "Have your daughters accomplished much in music?" _Unfortunate Father._ "Yes--the tenants below have moved."] THE MODERN WOMAN'S VADE MECUM _Question._ Do you agree with a certain female lecturer, that it is the duty of the fair sex to captivate the other? _Answer._ Certainly, as cleverness need not be divorced from fascination. _Q._ You do not object, then, to brains in the abstract? _A._ No; but as some men have a horror of the blue-stocking, I would cover fine heads with pretty toques. _Q._ And if a woman has literary tastes, what would you advise? _A._ That part of her reading should be devoted to the fashion journals, and she should not sacrifice her toilette to her intellect. _Q._ What is your opinion about latchkeys, visits to the music-halls, and cigarettes? _A._ That, from a man's point of view, they are played out, and consequently should be abandoned by man's would-be help-mate. _Q._ What do you think of glasses? _A._ That, when necessary, they should take the shape of a pince-nez, as it is more becoming than spectacles. [Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR] _Q._ Then, before marriage, what should be your treatment of man? _A._ I should do all I can in my power to please him. _Q._ And after the nuptial knot had been tied, what then? _A._ That, as Mr. Rudyard Kipling would observe, is quite another story. * * * * * NEW RULES FOR "PIT" [_On the authority of the Athenæum Club_] (1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the ground, and the cards shall be of metal not less than ¼ inch thick, with rounded corners. (2) Any player who speaks in such an audible voice that the position of the roof is altered shall be forced to make the damage good. (3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-trumpet of any kind. (4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by players who have formed a "corner," and desire to communicate this fact to other players. [Illustration: "THE EARTHLY PARADISE."--"What reason did he give for wishing to break off the engagement so soon?" "He said the report that he was engaged to me had not extended his credit nearly as much as he had hoped for."] (5) If a player has called "corner," and is found to have only eight similar cards in his hand, the game shall be continued without him. His remains may be removed at leisure. (6) "Progressive Pit" with more than four tables shall only be played in a house which is at least five miles in any direction from other inhabited buildings. (7) No person who is not a player shall approach while a game is in progress, except in the case when a player faints across the table and so obstructs the play. * * * * * SPRING CLEANING [SCENE--_Spring Gardens._ _Enter Algy_, L.H., _meeting Frankie as he strolls in_, R.H.] _Algy._ Hallo, old boy! (_Greeting_) I've just had my house papered and painted inside and out. _Frankie._ Indeed! And--er--(_struck by the novelty_) what sort of paper did you have put _outside_? [_Exit Algy_, R.H., _and Frankie_, L.H. _Scene closes._ * * * * * ANSWER TO MARY ANNE.--The needle-gun is not threaded with gun-cotton. [Illustration: _She (to clumsy steerer)._ "Rather like progressive bridge, isn't it?" _He._ "Why?" _She._ "Well, you see, you run up against everyone in the room before you've done." [Illustration: ROMANCE OF THE KITCHEN _Cook (from the area)._ "O, 'Liza, gi' me my winigrette--I've 'ad a--offer--from the _dustman_!!"] [Illustration: THE CONVALESCENT _New Curate (tenderly)._ "My good man, what induced you to send for me?" _Oldest Inhabitant._ "What does he say, Betty?" _Betty._ "Says what the deuce did you send for him, for!!"] [Illustration: THE MEREST ACCIDENT.--_She._ "So you failed in your _vivâ voce_ exam.?" _He._ "Yes; but it was purely from absence of mind."] [Illustration: "O NOBLE FOOL! O WORTHY FOOL!" _Uncle (to nephew, who has just come into a fortune)._ "You must remember, my boy, that 'a fool and his money are soon parted'!" _Fair Cousin._ "Oh, but I'm sure Sammy will be the _exception that proves the rule_!" [_Sammy is delighted._] [Illustration: PERNICIOUS PRAISE.--_Mr. Ranty Snobbarts (holding forth)._ "By Jove, I'm awfully keen on huntin'. Ain't you, what?" _Horrid Boy._ "Yes, by Jove, he _is_ keen. Why, when he wasn't huntin' the fox, he was huntin' his horse!"] [Illustration: DUTY FIRST.--_Her Ladyship (who is giving a servants' ball--to butler)._ "We shall begin with a square dance, and I shall want you, Wilkins, to be my partner." _Wilkins._ "Certainly my lady; and afterwards I presoom we may dance with 'oom we like?"] [Illustration: _Maid._ "There's a much better tone in this house now, m'm, than there used to be." _Lady (indignantly)._ "Indeed! I don't understand you Chalmers." _Maid._ "Oh, m'm, I mean downstairs, of course. Not upstairs." [Illustration: THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.--_Uncle George._ "So glad you are so much better, Amy, my dear." _Amy._ "Yes, thank you, Uncle George. Since Dr. Pillum took me in hand my recovery has been _simply miraculous_!"] [Illustration: _Applicant (for situation as parlour-maid)._ "Should I be expected to hand things at lunch, madam, _or do you stretch_?"] [Illustration: _Lady Caller (to old family servant)._ "Well, Bridget, did Master Arthur shoot any tigers in India?" _Bridget._ "Of coorse he did. Shure we have the horns of the craythurs hung in the hall!"] PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS PRELIMINARY CHAPTER Betty, "first catch your fish," is a golden rule for a cook, and first catch your situation is a very necessary piece of advice to be given to servants in general. The choice of a mistress requires as much judgment as the choice of poultry; and you should be careful not to pick out a very old bird in either case. The best market to go to in order to suit yourself is a servants' bazaar--as it is called--where mistresses are always on view for servants to select from. On being shown up to a lady, you should always act and talk as if you were hiring her, instead of wanting to be hired. You should examine her closely as to the company she keeps, and the number of her family; when, if there is any insuperable objection--such as the absence of a footman, a stipulation against perquisites, a total prohibition of a grease-pot, or a denial of the right of visit, by a refusal to allow followers--in either or all of these cases, it will be as well to tell "the lady" plainly that you must decline her situation. It is a good general rule to be the first to give a refusal, and, when you find you are not likely to suit the place, a bold assertion that the place will not suit you, prevents any compromise of your dignity. If you like the appearance and manner of the party requiring your assistance, but with some few concessions to be made, the best way to obtain them will be by declaring that you never heard of any "lady" requiring--whatever it may be that you have set your face against. By laying a stress on the word "lady," you show your knowledge of the habits of the superior classes; and as the person hiring you will probably wish to imitate their ways, she will perhaps take your hint as to what a "lady" ought to do, and dispense with conditions, which, on your authority, are pronounced unlady-like. If a situation seems really desirable, you should evince a willingness, and profess an ability, to do anything, and everything. If you get the place, and are ever called upon to fulfil your promises, it is easy to say you did not exactly understand you would be expected to do this, or that; and as people generally dislike changing, you will, most probably, be able to retain your place. [Illustration: _Smithson (the celebrated poet, novelist, playwright, &c.)._ "But, my dear young lady, I really don't understand you. I haven't been winning any ping-pong tournament. I don't play." _Miss Brown._ "Oh, but _surely_ I heard our hostess say you were '_the_ Mr. Smithson!'"] [Illustration: A HINT.--_Young Housewife (as the front door bell rings)._ "Now, is that the butcher's boy--or a visitor?" _New "General" (after a pause)._ "If you don't think you're tidy enough, mum--_I_'ll go!"] When asked if you are fond of children, you should not be content with saying simply "yes," but you should indulge in a sort of involuntary, "Bless their little hearts!" which has the double advantage of appearing to mean everything, while it really pledges you to nothing. Never stick out for followers, if they are objected to; though you may ask permission for a cousin to come and see you; and as you do not say which cousin, provided only one comes at a time, you may have half-a-dozen to visit you. Besides, if the worst comes to the worst, and you cannot do any better, there is always the police to fall back upon. By-the-way, as the police cannot be in every kitchen at once, it might answer the purpose of the female servants throughout London, to establish police sweeps, on the principle of the Derby lotteries, or the Art-Union. Each subscriber might draw a number, and if the number happened to be that of the policeman on duty, she would be entitled to him as a _beau_, during a specified period. [Illustration: _Visitor._ "I'm so glad to find you going on so nicely, Mrs. Jenkins! And is this the dear little soul? I would so _love_ to see him!" _Mrs. Jenkins._ "Lor, no, mum! That's my 'usband taking his bit o' rest. He's a policeman on night duty." [_Quick exit, with promise to look in again._] Always stipulate for beer-money, and propose it less for your own advantage than as a measure of economy to your mistress, urging that when there is beer in the house it is very likely to get wasted. You will, of course, have the milk in your eye, when proposing this arrangement. Tea and sugar must not be much insisted on, for they are now seldom given, but this does not prevent them from being very frequently taken. Having said thus much by way of preliminary advice, we commence our guides to service with THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK On arriving in your new place you get from the servant who is going away the character of your new mistress. She has already had yours, and you have a right to know hers, which, as it is given by a domestic who is most probably discharged, will, of course, be a very bad one. [Illustration: _Mistress._ "You wish me to take your notice, Jane. This is very sudden, isn't it?" _Jane (blushing)._ "Oh no, mum, I've known 'im three days!"] When your predecessor has taken her departure, your mistress may, perhaps, come into the kitchen and tell you what you will have to do, or, at least, a part of it. She will show you the bells, and tell you which is the house bell, which the parlour bell, which the drawing-room bell, and which are the bells of the different bed-rooms; but she will not tell you how you are to answer them when they are all ringing at once, which may occasionally happen. As it will probably be late when you arrive, you will have to carry up the tray for supper, when you will be stared at, and scrutinised as the new servant, by the whole of the family. Let us now look at your wardrobe. Two of each article will be enough, for if the washing is done once a week you have a change; but if only once in three weeks, you must contrive to supply yourself with the smaller articles, such as stockings and pocket handkerchiefs, from the family stock of linen. As a maid-of-all-work, you have the great advantage of being a good deal alone, and can therefore indulge in the pleasures of philosophy. You can light the fires, and think of Hobbes. Fasten the hall-door, and recollect some passage in Locke. Or broil the ham for breakfast while wrapped up in Bacon. [Illustration: "MERELY MARY ANN" AGAIN.--"Please, 'm, the fishmonger says will you have it filtered?"] You should rise early if you can, but if you cannot you must make up for it by hurrying over your work as quickly as possible. As warm water will be wanted upstairs, don't stop to light the kitchen fire, but throw on two or three bundles of wood, and set them all burning at once, when you will have some hot water immediately. Run into the parlour and open the shutters, light the fire, cut the bread and butter, clean the shoes, make the toast; and when this is on the table, devote any time you may have to spare to sweeping the carpet. Now, the family having gone down to breakfast, you may light the kitchen fire, and then run up and make the beds. After which you may sit down to your own breakfast, having previously, of course, taken the opportunity of helping yourself to tea and sugar from the tea-caddy. You may now go upstairs, professedly to sweep the bedrooms, but really to look out of window, and if the street is a narrow one, talk to the servant opposite. Besides, looking out of window saves time, for you are able to answer the fifty people who come to the door in the course of the morning with hair-brooms, apples, carpets and rugs, tapes and stay-laces. Being in a new place, you will be naturally curious to examine all the cupboards and drawers up-stairs, but do not be too inquisitive at first, for you will have other opportunities for a good rummage. [Illustration: _Lady (engaging servant)._ "I ought to tell you that we are all strict teetotalers here. I suppose you won't mind that?" _Mary Jane._ "Oh, no, mum. I've been in a reformed drunkard's family before!"] [Illustration: SIMPLE SAYINGS FOR THE SILLY Bad as it is to be fawned upon, it is better than to be bitten.] [Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS _Orthodox Old Maid._ "But, Rebecca, is your place of worship consecrated?" _Domestic (lately received into the Plymouth Brotherhood)._ "Oh no, miss--it's galvanised iron!"] You will now come down to cook the dinner; but, as this is another branch of service, we proceed to tell you how to lay the table. Lay the knives and forks, taking the latter from the plate-basket, where they will be kept, though they are probably only Britannia metal or German silver; nevertheless, call it "the plate," as it will gratify your mistress. If the family should be addicted to display, without means, you will have to set round doyleys and wine-glasses, with a decanter containing a remnant of British wine, which will not be touched, but will be brought on "for the look of the thing" every day after dinner. The time has now arrived for your own meal, and make the most of it. Secure all the tit-bits, and if you cannot manage to get through the whole of them at dinner, put away part of them for supper. [Illustration: DISADVANTAGES OF PERFORMING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE IN
{'title': 'Mr. Punch at Home: The Comic Side of Domestic Life by Hammerton and Townsend', 'source': 'Project Gutenberg', 'lang': 'en'}