@Gangster_Octopus (Gangster Octopus) posted a new topic, subject "Best Churchill Insult". It read:

   The candidates:
    
    **George Bernard Shaw** : Have reserved two tickets for opening night, Bring a friend, if you have one.  
    **Churchill** : Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night, if you have one.
    
    **Lady Astor** : Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.  
    **Churchill** : Nancy, if you were my wife I'd drink it.
    
    **A Member of Parliament** : Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking.  
    **Churchill** : No, it's purely voluntary.
    
    **Bessie Bradock** : Winston, you are drunk!  
    **Churchill** : That's right, Bessie. But tomorrow morning I'lll be sober. And you will still be ugly.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @Gangster_Octopus (Gangster Octopus) said

    There is also an exchange about haggling with a woman over what he could pay to sleep with her, but it has also been attributed to several other people, so I have not included it.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @etv78 (etv78) said

    Voted Astor, but the Bradock quote was the 1st to come to mind. (IOW-wanted to vote for 2)
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @Munch (Munch) said

    The Bradock insult isn't as clever - it's something I'm sure he'd thought of before. But the rest were all quick retorts in response to receiving an insult. A great insulting comeback is always better than a great insult.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

@Senegoid (Senegoid) replied

    Gangster_Octopus:
    
    > **Bessie Bradock** : Winston, you are drunk!  
    >  **Churchill** : That's right, Bessie. But tomorrow morning I'lll be sober. And you will still be ugly.
    
    Roger Ebert must have been well-read about Churchill. All the Ebert obits yesterday and today (e.g., this one) have been quoting a very similar thing he said, after having dissed Vincent Gallo's film _Brown Bunny._
    
    > Gallo fought back, insulting Ebert for being overweight and even, strangely, put a curse on his colon.
    > 
    > Ebert adeptly responded, “It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of ‘The Brown Bunny.'”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @Prof.Pepperwinkle (Prof. Pepperwinkle) said

    Not an insult, and probably apocryphal, but…  
    At one point the Prime Minister was introduced at a function by a member of the rival party.  
    The member ended his introduction by marking the wall behind him just above his head, and stating: “If all the liquor Mr. Churchill has consumed over the years were poured into this room, it would reach this high.”
    
    Winston walked up. Looked at the mark, then the ceiling, and said: “So little time. So much to do.”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

To which @Amateur_Barbarian (Amateur Barbarian) replied

    The young Churchill wore a daringly fashionable mustache. A society matron (not Astor, AFAIK) took exception at a (liberal) political comment and snapped, “Young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache!” “Madame,” he replied, “you are unlikely to come in contact with either.”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @Munch (Munch) said

    NitroPress:
    
    > The young Churchill wore a daringly fashionable mustache. A society matron (not Astor, AFAIK) took exception at a (liberal) political comment and snapped, “Young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache!” “Madame,” he replied, “you are unlikely to come in contact with either.”
    
    He really missed an opportunity. “Nor I for yours.” would have killed.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

To which @septimus (septimus) replied

    Churchill has some other funny insults, e.g.
    
    > Well, dinner would have been splendid — if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

@thelurkinghorror (thelurkinghorror) replied

    Family Guy on time traveling and discovering Churchill's “legendary wit”:
    
    Lady Astor: Oh Winston, drunk again I see?  
    Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you're a cunt.  
    (or on broadcast)  
    Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you're a fat bitch.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

@samclem (samclem) replied

    Gangster_Octopus:
    
    > **Lady Astor** : Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.  
    >  **Churchill** : Nancy, if you were my wife I'd drink it.
    
    That quip appears first in the Chicago Tribune as early as 1900.
    
    Churchill never said it.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @don_t_ask (don't ask) replied

    Senegoid:
    
    > Roger Ebert must have been well-read about Churchill. All the Ebert obits yesterday and today (e.g., this one) have been quoting a very similar thing he said, after having dissed Vincent Gallo's film _Brown Bunny._
    
    Well that's OK, Churchill may well have stolen it from W.C Fields in _It's a Gift_ :
    
    **Harry Payne Bosterly** : You're drunk!
    
    **Harold** : And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @Oly (Oly) replied

    Voted Astor.
    
    I've also always liked the one where Churchill walks into the boys room, occupied at the time by his Labour Party predecessor Clement Attlee, tending to business at one end of a long row of urinals. WC takes his place at the far end. “What's the matter?” asks Attlee. “Feeling stand offish today, Winston?” “No,” replies WC. “Frightened. You want to nationalise every big thing you see.”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

After which, @the_diego (the_diego) added

    “He fought the maniac…” alluding to Hitler when he learned of Rommel's death.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @terentii (terentii) replied

    thisdayinquotes.com
    
    ### The origins of “Rum, sodomy and the lash” – Churchill's alleged quip about...
    
    A blog about famous quotations (quotes that most people are or should be familiar with)
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @jz78817 (jz78817) replied

    terentii:
    
    > This Day in Quotes: The origins of “Rum, sodomy and the lash” – Churchill's alleged quip about British naval tradition…
    
    “According to Montague-Browne, Churchill responded: ‘I never said it. I wish I had.'”
    
    “I really didn't say everything I said.” - Yogi Berra
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @Sudden_Kestrel (Sudden Kestrel) replied

    samclem:
    
    > That quip appears first in the Chicago Tribune as early as 1900.
    > 
    > Churchill never said it.
    
    I always heard it attributed to Oscar Wilde, which is probably just as inaccurate.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @Little_Nemo (Little Nemo) replied

    Some of Churchill's best lines were directed at his successor, Clement Atlee:
    
    “A sheep in sheep's clothing”
    
    “He is a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about.”
    
    “An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street and when the door was opened Attlee got out.”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

After which, @Projammer (Projammer) added

    I've always been fond of “I'd drink it”. Regardless of who is responsible for it. I've even plagiarized versions of it for my own use.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

After which, @Cicero (Cicero) added

    Best Winston insult is not listed above.
    
    “Winston's written an enormous book all about himself and called it The World Crisis”  
    (Sir Samuel Hoare - well attributed to many).
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

To which @CookingWithGas (CookingWithGas) replied

    thelurkinghorror:
    
    > Family Guy on time traveling and discovering Churchill's “legendary wit”:
    > 
    > Lady Astor: Oh Winston, drunk again I see?  
    >  Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you're a cunt.  
    >  (or on broadcast)  
    >  Winston Churchill: yeah? Well you're a fat bitch.
    
    This is much like a piece published in the National Lampoon around 1975 on the Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill. It was a whole list of Churchill quotes that changed the ending to some vulgar, not-clever insult, but the surprise of it made for comedic effect.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @drew870mitchell (drew870mitchell) said

    Out of those my favorite is the GBS one. It's clever; the rest just seem to be “no u.”
    
    But my favorite Churchill quote isn't an tracyhancock@example.com. The whole story may be made up, but it goes like this:
    
    During a bitterly cold night, one of the coldest of the year, a very important government figure was caught and arrested along with his gay lover for having sex in a public park. The guy was important enough that Churchill was informed about it the next morning because it might develop into a scandal. Churchill's response: “makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?”
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

Then @the_diego (the_diego) said

    He called Gandhi a half-naked fakir.
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK

So @terentii (terentii) replied

    the_diego:
    
    > “He fought the maniac…” alluding to Hitler when he learned of Rommel's death.
    
    Not exactly a quote, but a joke that was going around after Rudolf Hess's flight to Britain in May of 1941:
    
    After arriving in London, Hess is finally brought in to see Churchill.
    
    Winston looks him over and says “So, you're the madman, eh?”
    
    Perplexed, Hess replies “No, sir. tracyhancock@example.com.” 
      *[Trock]: A Trock is a TRoll + a sOCK


{'source': 'discourse', 'url': 'https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-churchill-insult/654937', 'title': 'Best Churchill Insult', 'views': 8906, 'has_accepted_answer': False, 'word_count': 1351, 'like_count': 0, 'reply_count': 23, 'participant_count': 20, 'posts': 24, 'tags': '', 'author': '@Gangster_Octopus (Gangster Octopus)', 'participants': "@Gangster_Octopus (Gangster Octopus), @etv78 (etv78), @Munch (Munch), @Senegoid (Senegoid), @Prof.Pepperwinkle (Prof. Pepperwinkle), @Amateur_Barbarian (Amateur Barbarian), @septimus (septimus), @thelurkinghorror (thelurkinghorror), @samclem (samclem), @don_t_ask (don't ask), @Oly (Oly), @the_diego (the_diego), @terentii (terentii), @jz78817 (jz78817), @Sudden_Kestrel (Sudden Kestrel), @Little_Nemo (Little Nemo), @Projammer (Projammer), @Cicero (Cicero), @CookingWithGas (CookingWithGas), @drew870mitchell (drew870mitchell)", 'image_url': [None], 'created_at': '2013-04-05T18:10:14.000Z', 'last_posted_at': '2013-04-10T02:32:43.000Z'}