 Whitley & Knox Counties, Kentucky. 1913 KUK-COR1913 University of Kentucky Corbin, Kentucky (Whitley County, Knox County) -- Maps. Insurance, Fire -- Kentucky -- Corbin, Kentucky (Whitley County, Kn] "April 1908." Shows property lines, buildings with construction and insurance characteristics and addresses. Includes index. UKThe Public Defenders Task Force is a statutorily created body whose mission is to: a) examine and study approaches taken by other states in the implementation and costs of state-supported indigent criminal and delinquency cases; b) study the relationship between presiding circuit court and youth court judges and the appointment of criminal and delinquency indigent defense counsel; and, c) make annual reports to the Legislature regarding the need for state-supported counsel in circuit court districts. The Task Force is made up of appointments by the Supreme Court, circuit court judges association, Mississippi Public Defender Association, Mississippi Prosecutors Association; Administrative Office of Courts, Mississippi Association of Supervisors; the Magnolia Bar Association (African-American Bar); and designees of the Senate Judiciary Committee, the Senate Appropriations Committee, the House Judiciary En Banc Committee, and the House Appropriations Committee. The Task Force is in place through 2014.
The State Public Defender is appointed by the Governor, with approval of the Senate, to a term of four years and can only be terminated for just cause. The State Public Defender’s salary, by statute, may not exceed ninety percent (90%) of the salary of the Attorney General and be no less than the salary of a district attorney.Have you been attempting to control your partner without realizing it?
Controlling behavior is a hallmark of codependency, but the first time we come across the idea that we’re controlling, we sputter with indignation. Whether we’re “helping,” “generous,” “saving them from themselves,” or “doing it for our relationships,” many of us don’t realize that we use various tactics to influence our partners’ behaviors and manipulate the outcomes of situations.
3.0.1 #1. Make a list of the things that are in your control and a list of the things that are not.
3.0.2 #2. Refocus on your own needs, desires, and passions.
3.0.3 #3. Ask before offering help — and accept the answer the first time.
3.0.4 #4. When in distress, focus on how you can self-soothe.
3.0.5 #5. When someone tells you that they’re unwilling to work on an issue, believe them.
3.0.6 #6. Learn to say no. Practice diligently.
As if from a great distance, I could hear my partner saying that he wasn’t happy in our relationship⁠ — and hadn’t been for a while, unbeknownst to me.
My mind was already spinning with tactics and plans. He only stared back.
“I don’t want to work on it,” he responded, shrugging limply.
I had a choice. I could take his words at face value and accept his unwillingness. Or, I could try to fix our broken relationship single-handedly. My fear of loss was so strong that attempting to mend our broken bond felt like the only imaginable option.
Every night, I went to sleep with a highlighter and stack of self-help books beside my bed. I talked about my partner’s fears of intimacy in therapy and then dragged him to therapy along with me. I created a written chart of “argument rules” for us to follow when agitated.
I spent two long months effectively playing God, certain my methods would lead us straight into contented old age.
So when my partner finally broke up with me on the first day of my family’s annual summer vacation, I realized that my sense of control had been nothing but an illusion all along.
This was three years ago. At the time, if you’d asked me what I thought was doing, the answer would have been simple: I’m trying to save our relationship. But the truth was, I was attempting to control my partner’s feelings and choices to get my desired outcome. I was working overtime in the hope that his feelings and behaviors toward me would change.
You might be subconsciously trying to control your partner if you do any of the following.
Taking financial responsibility for purchases.
If you find yourself regularly taking on responsibility for your partner’s relationships, wellness, finances, or otherwise, ask yourself: Why am I doing this? What’s my motive here?
 Are you trying to protect your partner from facing the consequences of his or her behaviors? Are you trying to make up for what you believe to be your partner’s deficits?
When we try to mitigate the negative consequences of others’ irresponsible actions, we rob them of opportunities for growth and learning. Have you ever tried to mitigate the consequences when your partner acted out in addiction, in an angry outburst, or in some other irresponsible behavior? If so, you may think you’re being “helpful” or “kind,” but in reality, you are enabling your partner’s irresponsibility. Without experiencing negative consequences, folks who engage in destructive patterns are far less likely to change.
We also help our partners avoid negative consequences when we refuse to express justified anger, sadness, or discomfort with their actions. When we avoid sharing our feelings for fear of hurting their feelings, we’re really just managing their feelings ⁠ — and that’s not our work to do.
Boundaries are statements of what we will or will not tolerate. The goal of a boundary isn’t to change another’s behavior, but to create safety and integrity for ourselves. In order for a boundary to be genuine, you must be ready to enforce the boundary when it is not respected. Otherwise, it’s just an empty threat: an attempt to get someone else to act your way on your terms.
For example, you say to your partner, “If you don’t start treating me more kindly, I’m going to leave you.” If your partner continues to treat you poorly, you need to be ready to leave that relationship⁠ — because, if you don’t, your “boundary” was just a tactic to change your partner under false pretenses.
Change is an inside job. We can support or hinder others’ healing journeys, but we cannot take the journey for them. In order to heal, one must be willing to heal.
If someone is not willing to quit an addiction, we cannot educate them into quitting. If someone is not ready to address their trauma, we cannot force them to heal. If someone carries heavy baggage from their past, we cannot pry that baggage from their hands.
We can support their journey and assist along the way if they have the willingness to grow. But we cannot plant a seed of willingness for someone else.
My partner clearly stated his unwillingness to work on fixing the relationship, but that didn’t stop me from buying self-help books, taking him to therapy, and using every tool in my toolbox to make him change on my terms.
When our partner is unable or unwilling to give us the depth of connection we seek, we may resort to protest behavior. Protest behaviors are attempts to get reactions from our partner — reactions which, if only momentarily, will create a feeling of connection. Protest behaviors include things like intentionally withholding communication, withholding sex, attempting to make a partner jealous, or threatening to end the relationship.
Protest behaviors are not driven by a genuine desire: we don’t genuinely desire not to be in touch, we don’t genuinely desire to end the relationship, we don’t genuinely want to engage with another person outside of the relationship. What we want is our partner to change how they interact with us, and we believe that these behaviors will facilitate that change.
The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is a good resource for reading more on protest behaviors and other issues of attachment that factor into controlling behaviors.
When my ex and I fought, I became inconsolable. At the conclusion of every argument, I felt certain he would leave me. He needed time and space to re-center, but my anxiety was so strong that I refused to give him that space. With guttural sobs and fearful pleas, I demanded his reassurance, which he begrudgingly gave.
In hindsight, it’s clear to see how I used my emotional outbursts to secure attention from my partner when he was unwilling to voluntarily give it. Instead of understanding that we were both responsible for meeting our own needs in that moment — him taking space, me self-soothing — I created conditions in which he felt pressured to abandon his own needs to prioritize mine.
If you’ve used the above tactics consciously or unconsciously, you’re not alone. Many of us have had to release our toxic illusions of control. As we move forward, we must learn what actually lies in our sphere of control — and learn to live strictly within that sphere.
In your “I Can Control” list, be sure to include your actions, your reactions, the words you say, the boundaries you set, and the amount of time you spend. In your “I Cannot Control” list, be sure to include others’ actions and reactions, others’ feelings, others’ relationships, and so on.
I can control whether or not I express my needs and how I express them. I cannot control whether or not others meet my needs.
I can control whether or not I set and enforce boundaries around intolerable behavior. I cannot control others’ intolerable behavior.
I can control the extent