67c5ab35_Female_Sexuality___2005_Topics__Post_Text
[Topic ID] 159 [Post ID] 805 [Date & Time] 2005-11-13 10:50:59 [Post Text] 
Hello again I don't think I could ever, and& I mean EVER, go with another woman. I have nothing against homosexuals but it is not something I would ever want to indulge in myself, the thought makes me feel sick and doesn't attract me in the slightest. I must admit, I have asked myself whether I was gay before due to lack of boyfriends, it took me longer than many to even get interested in them in the first place but being as most were generally just nasty to me, I found myself not feeling comfortable with them anyway. I think the bullying and such that I got at school played a big part and making me how I am. I was never viewed as being attractive even thought my therapist thinks I am. I have trouble believing people when they say that like they are just trying to make me feel better. At school, I was made to feel ugly and inadequate, I had some mates who said I'd die a virgin but then they were just little slappers who slept around and thought they knew everything there was to know about sex and sexuality. Nobody ever fancied me either, I just thought I was too ugly and nobody would ever want me and I can't seem to shake that crap off. I know this is more psychological than physical. I always had issues about inserting things which is why I never used tampons, I was too scared to try them, that they wouldn't go in or it would hurt or something like that, I'm not really sure. This was well before I knew about vaginismus, I read about that in my late teens in More magazine. It was that same magazine that taught me about the existence of the clitoris because you don't get taught those things at school, sex ed at school was pretty crap and they wonder why all these kids get preggers. As for seeing things as a child, I don't really remember anything that affected me or that sticks in my mind as being something that could cause this. I did sometimes accidentally see things kids shouldn't, scary films, nudity, stuff like that. I can't think of anything though that might contribute to this. Still, I am discussing anything and everything with the therapist but, even then, we can only speculate that something might have been responsible, can't we, it could be something else entirely. I think the school bullying does play a large part because things that happened then sort of crop up in my mind a lot during situations where this problem rears it's ugly head or when I try to think about why I feel this way. The only thing that I know of which traumatized me at an age when& I couldn't remember was accidentally slipping under the water whilst in the bath with my older brother. My grandmother took on the job of getting me to go in the bath again and would have to bathe me in the sink for months and I would cling onto her for dear life so she said before gradually getting me to go back in the bath again. I was never a good swimmer and it wasn't until I started going swimming with school at age 8-9 that they could even get me to go into a swimming pool, not even the shallow end. Even now, I feel claustrophobic if I go under water, I don't like it at all. I don't remember any of the initial fear and being scared to go in the bath because I was only a toddler, I think, I only knew myself that I didn't enjoy deeper water like in a swimming pool etc... I haven't seen a movie called Cybil or even heard of it. I work at Blockbusters though so I am in a good position to find out whether it can still be obtained. As for the orgasms, I'm not alone there. Many women in the vag groups are perfectly capable of having them, whether they have primary or secondary vag. Some aren't but then there are a lot of non vag women that have trouble having them too. I'm not the worst care scenario, I have always been able to have a finger inserted without pain, just nothing the size of a speculum or penis, my ex's penis would not go in at all, it felt like there wasn't even a hole there for it to go in and it hurt so much, I'd have to push him off and tell him to stop. Some women can't even insert a cotton bud. The largest thing& I can insert is the #2 dilator which is 1" in girth and that causes some discomfort and slight pain on entry and taking out. Also, if I let go of the handle, it pops out on it's own, the muscles pushing it out. It also hurts if I try to purposely clench my muscles around it like a kegel although I could do that with two fingers inserted without any pain. Still, I feel like I'm relaxed when I do this, I don't feel the spasms other woman talk about, I just know it hurts and that it feels tight. I also notice that my muscles clench up a lot when I'm walking showering and such. I try to relax them when I think about it& but they clench up again as soon as I'm not thinking about them or not concentrating fully on them. Also, it feel strange walking with them relaxed, like my insides are going to fall out or something. I have my third session at the porterbrook on Thursday. Now that I know how to get there and back which worried me last time because it takes three buses and about an hours travel through areas unknown to me, I'm actually looking forward to it. I'll keep you updated on how that goes. I suppose, if anything, getting info on this right from the horses mouth will increase your pool of knowledge as it will mine.
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