Can we just all agree on one thi… can we just fucking get onboard with the fact that it is time to see an end to the man who walks around in public with a cowboy hat on, like he’s not wearing a cowboy hat in public? I see these guys everywhere. Banks, grocery stores, airports. And now, not only do I see guys wearing cowboy hats, but they have adopted the cowboy persona. Like where they think they’re actual fucking… like the… *snickers* Well, pardon me, ma’am. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. You look fucking ridiculous right now. Like, you’re a cowboy, really? Cock-a-doodle-doo. A-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. Get the fuck out of here. Here’s all I want from cowboys. Just be cowboy all the way, all right? Work with livestock. Like, if somebody says, “let’s go get a beer.” I want to hear you say, “I got to shave some sheep.” End your disputes with a pistol. If somebody cuts you off in line, be like, “meet me at the saloon at noon. I’m a cowboy.” And you better ride a horse everywhere. If you wear a cowboy hat, you shouldn’t be allowed to sit in cars or look at planes. You should just be like, “I’ll tell you what. “I’ll tell you what. San Francisco sure is a pretty city.” Yeah, I’ll see you there in six months, when you get there on your fucking horse. If you’re a cowboy, then I am a knight. I’m a knight, and I’m gonna wear armor every day, in case somebody wants to joust. And you leave me alone, because I’m doing the queen’s work. Okay, mummy?

You know who likes to be cowboys more than anybody? Do you know who? Three-year-olds. Because they’re not developed yet. And they go, “mommy.” *Imitates gun* And you go, “yes, you’re a cowboy.” “And your sister’s a princess. “And your father’s fucking Batman. “‘Cause you live in la-la land. You don’t know what’s going on right now.” Cowboy hats should come with class rings. ‘Cause I feel like the same guy that buys one buys the other anyway, you know?  “Check it out. “’87. I scored 14 touchdowns that year.” “What are you doing now?” “I’m just thinkin’ about killing myself.” Oh, okay. Why don’t you get a corvette and make it a whole kit?

Mm. *Sighs* I just realized my fucking… I do have a hobby. It’s probably the saddest, most pathetic hobby there is. And that is just watching television shows. What is lamer than, like, “what do you do for fun? What’s your hobby?” “Oh, fucking, I watch TV.” That’s so indicative of our country. And, like, some people are amazing with their, like… “oh, I b… I build furniture.” You’re like, “that’s your job?” “No, no. I’m a urologist.” But, like, on the side, like, I… oh, I like to… I like to watch my shows.

I don’t like the way people knock tv though. It’s all the… all the same cliche shit they said when we were kids, they now say as adults, right? They’re like, oh, you know, you… you know, you watch too much tv, it’ll rot your mind, or, you can’t learn anything from television. But that’s not true. You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that. He has a show. It’s not a scripted show. It follows around the real Steven Seagal. And every episode begins with him looking in the camera and saying, “I don’t know if you knew this or not”, but for the last 20 years, I’ve been a cop.” And you’re like, “what did you just say? “I thought you’ve been making shitty movies “for the last 20 years. What are you talking about?” And you watch this show, he has the most unlikeable quality in a human being, which is that he is an expert in everything. Literally, if a dog walks by, he’s like, “that’s a shih tzu, boxer, hound mix right there.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” He’s like, “I’ve been working with dogs for, like 35 years.” Then, a helicopter flies by. He’s like, “that’s a hub-106.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” And he’s like, “I’ve been flying helicopters for, like, 47 years.”

Then he does the thing though, that everybody does who knows something about everything. Everybody has a friend, no matter what you’re doing, they know the history of it all, they know every topic, every fucking fact. If you’re eating dinner, they’re like, “you know, forks are from the roman times”, and they would sculpt them out of bark.” And you’re like, “will you shut the fuck up, and let me finish this please?” Seagal will do that too, but you know he’s making it up. He’ll be like, “you know, they also call that helicopter” a skippy.” And they’re like, “why?” And he goes, “listen to it.” Skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip… that’s bullshit. You made that shit up. “Nah, seriously.”

It just blows my mind… it really does… that everybody in this room… everybody… has this real world possibility in their lives… all of us, we could go tonight, if we wanted to… tonight, you could go to Louisiana, you could start a fight in a bar, and there is a real world possibility that Steven Seagal will arrest you. Isn’t that insane to you? I’ve lost sleep over this shit. I mean, that’s crazy. That’s literally like if you leave here, and you roll through a stop sign, and then, Sylvester Stallone is like, “hey, roll it down.” “And you’re like, get the fuck out of here. You work here?” And he’s like, “it’s my passion.” “Will you say Adrian or something?” “Nah.”

It’s nuts. You have to watch this show. He… he panders to every group according to race, knowing full well there’s a camera crew following him around. He doesn’t give a shit. If you’re white, he’s like, “how’s it going? “All right.” *Snickers* And then, to black people, he’s like, “what’s up, cuz?” And they’re like, “hey, what’s up?” “I’m holding you down, so holler if you need somethin’.” “Okay.” And then, to all Latinos… Spanish speaking people… he insists on speaking horrifically broken Spanish, even if they start the conversation in English. If they’re like, “hey, yeah, I called 911. Thank you for coming.” The thing is… he’s like, “ah, hold on.” Mucho queso.” They’re like, “I think my English is way better than your Spanish, man.” And he’s like, “no gracias.” And then, to all Asian people, he bows, regardless of where he meets them. If you’re Asian, and you cross Steven Seagal’s path, he’s like, “ha.” And they go, “hey, I was born here, you dick.” Like, you don’t have to do that.” And he’s like, “sorry.” I’ve been doing martial arts for, like, 85 years.”

He trains other cops in hand-to-hand combat. I think that’s infuriating. For those cops. It’s not like we’re hanging out, we’re like, “hey, man, do you want to do, like”, “a couple shots, and then go down the street? Steven Seagal is teaching people how to throw punches.” And we’re like, “okay. Let’s fucking go.” No. It’s you’re a cop, and you show up at work, and they’re like, “we’re gonna go over “hand-to-hand combat today, so you can protect yourself if you’re in a really dangerous situation.” You’re like, “oh, cool.” “Who’d you bring in to teach us? Like, some navy seals, or green berets?” And they go, “no.” We brought in Steven Seagal.” And you’re like, “are we shooting a fucking movie” this week or something?” They’re like, “uh-uh.” “Okay, I’ll pass, ’cause that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be a part of that.” That’s literally like if you were, like, at NASA, and they’re like, “all right, future astronauts.” “We’re gonna go over space exploration, “and to get us started, why don’t you welcome Captain Kirk? Come on out, man.” And you’re like, “is he qualified to do this?” And they’re like, “oh, you’ve seen him do all that shit.” “Yeah, he knows what he’s talking about, man. He’s been up there.” They show him teaching people how to fight. It’s horrible. He’s bloated now. He doesn’t have the same range of motion. He’s like, “everybody line up.” If somebo… if somebody throws a punch, you can… you can block it like that. *Exhales* And then… and then, you can kick ’em in the throat like that. Are you kicking a child in the throat right now? Some people’s throats are down there. I like Havarti cheese the most. What’s your favorite?

Um, I’m sorry that I’m fat. I just realized how fat I was by how winded I got from just doing those little motions. *Groans* Jesus. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, and I’m like, “fuck.” I lie to myself all the time. I cheat. Like, I’ll look in the mirror, and I’m like, “hmm.” Yeah, that’s what you look like.” It’s all these little things that you don’t think about and you just do it automa… here’s where I really had to call myself out. I was getting into a shower in a hotel, and it was one of these hotel bathrooms where there’s just mirrors everywhere. And as I was stepping in the shower, I looked, and I was like, “oh, my god.” Like, “look at you.” “I can’t believe somebody lets you fuck them. This is crazy.” I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. I feel like that’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and then I go… *staggered deep breath* It’s better a few moments later, when you get to think about it, and you’re like, “why did I just stop?” To take a deep breath. Oh, yeah. My body also needs air, you fat fucking turd. I did the fattest thing you can do a week ago. Maybe not the fattest thing. I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat. I didn’t do that. I did, however, go out to eat. I went out to breakfast. I had croissant. Everybody knows what a croissant is, right? It’s a flaky-looking thing. I ate one, and one is enough. And then I left this place, and I was walking down the street. And I saw a bakery, and I was like, “I wonder what their croissants taste like.” So I entered a second venue to shovel bread into my stupid, fat mouth. And the big payoff is that when I was done, I got to go, “oh, no.” “The first place has better croissants. Yeah.”

I had catastrophic diarrhea this morning. And I just found out that not everybody does. Here’s how I found out. We moved… my wife and I moved to a new place. In the new place, the living room couch is closer to that bathroom than it was in the old place. So the second day we’re there, I go in there, I do my thing. When I walk out, my wife is no longer sitting on the couch. She’s now standing, holding car keys. And she goes, “do you need to go to the hospital?” And I go, “for what?” And she goes, “for what just happened in there.” And I go, “what just happened in there?” And she goes, “is that normal for you?” And I was like, “I don’t even remember what happened”, so I guess so.” She goes, “Jesus, how often do you shit like that?” And I was like, “every day.” She goes, “oh, my God. Is there blood in there?” There could be. I don’t know. I just go, bap! And I hit flush. And she goes, “you don’t look at it?” And I go, “where am I supposed to look?” “It’s everywhere. “You want me to look at each individual piece? No, I paint the bowl, and then I wash it away.” That’s how I found out, at 34 years old, that not everybody has diarrhea every day. I feel like, you know, wives have to get in one last jab too, ’cause first of all, this wasn’t even an argument. This was a conversation. And she won the conversation, okay? She did. I feel horrible about my digestive system. You win. It’s settled. I’m sitting on… I’m sulking, like… *Sighs* On the couch. She’s going to leave this day, right? And she stops at the door as she’s leaving the house, and she goes, “you know, you’re probably gonna die.” And I was like, “cool, babe. Have a good day.” I’ll see you when you get home.” Then I started thinking about it, and I’m like, “maybe I am gonna die.”

I went to the doctor that day, and I’m… I’m gonna be completely honest with you. I went to the doctor, and I was like, “all right.” I’m just gonna get a checkup, see what’s going on.” The honest truth is I knew it wasn’t gonna be awesome, okay? I knew the doctor wasn’t gonna be like, “you might be surprised to hear this, but you’re perfect. Like, you’re a perfect physical specimen, man.” I knew that wasn’t gonna happen, but I didn’t expect him to be a dick. Usually, they’re not. I feel like in my experience, doctors are polite. Almost overly polite, where it’s phony and condescending. When they go, “ah, really interesting story you got there.” Doctors do that because you’re telling them a story, and doctors don’t want to hear a story. Doctors want to hear “this hurts,” not “I was over at my friend Charlie’s house”, “and we went to move the ottoman, and… “I mean, you can use it as a coffee table, “or you can use it as an ottoman. It’s up to you,” and your doctor’s like, “I want to blow my fucking brains out right now.” I go in there, I sit on the exam table, which is my least favorite table to sit on in the world ’cause it’s the only table that, in 30 years, I’ve sat on where my feet don’t touch the ground. So I feel like a fucking toddler, waiting like… *giggles* My doctor comes in. He doesn’t say hello. He doesn’t say good morning. He just walks in. He points at me, which is super aggressive, you know, to start a conversation with somebody. Like, “hey, man.” You’re like, “hey. What’s up, man?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “what?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “I don’t get it.” And he goes, “has nobody told you that your hair’s falling out?” I was like, “damn. No.” And he goes, “ah. Sorry.” I’m like, “all right.” Then he pulls my chart out of the slot, super dramatic, so that it makes a fucking noise. He goes… *Exhales* I’m like… and he goes, “wow!” And I’m like, “really, ‘wow’? Is it full-blown AIDS?” Like, “why is ‘wow’?” And he goes, “you weigh 245.” And I go like, “yeah, like, I knew that shit.” And he goes, “you weighed 230 last time you were here.” Not exactly what I would call weight loss.” I’m like, “are we at a fucking roast or something?” Like, “what are you doing?” Then he says, “you know you’re the fattest patient I’ve seen all day.” And I go, “it’s 9:30 in the morning.” And he goes, “still.” He’s like, “you know, we ran your blood work.” It turns out your muscle enzymes are through the roof.” And I go, “yeah, man, like, I’m super strong.” Like, how is that a problem?” And he goes, “they’re off the charts.” I’m like, “even better.” I’m probably your strongest patient, man.” And he goes, “I don’t think you understand muscle enzymes.” And I go, “that’s true. I don’t know what they are.” And he goes, “well, the only way you could have them this high” “would be, like, ‘a, ‘ if you were an Olympic athlete, which, clearly you’re not.” I’m like, “dude, what is the deal, man?” And he goes, “the other way would be if you were a cocaine addict.” And I go, “I don’t do coke.” And he goes, “I’m your doctor. You don’t have to lie to me.” And I go, “I’m not lying.” And he goes, “I can’t treat you if you’re not gonna be honest.” And I go, “hey, man, aren’t cokeheads skinny?” Isn’t that, like, part of the deal?” And he goes, “usually, yeah.” The nurse comes in. She takes my chart out of his hands, and she goes, “oh, my God.” “His muscle enzymes are so high. Maybe he runs marathons.” And my doctor goes, “look at him.” So at this point, I go, “this was a lot of fun. “Thank you for having me today. I’m gonna leave now,” and he goes, “all right.” Then he goes, “ho… hold on a second. Do you have a ring on your finger?” And I go, “yeah.” And he goes, “you’re married?” And I go, “yeah,” and he goes, “to a guy?” And I go, “no.” And he goes, “oh. I thought you were gay.” And I go, “why?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “all right, dude.” And he goes, “hey, I’m just kidding.” And I go, “that’s fine.” He goes, “but check it out.” And he takes my chart, and he shows it to me, and he had written “gay?” On my medical chart.  The thing that gets sent to other doctors has his inside… *Chuckles* “Maybe he sucks cock” joke written on it. I went home. I told my wife. She’s like, “oh, my god, what are you gonna do?” And I was like, “what do you mean?” And she goes, “I mean, are you ever gonna go back there?” I’m like, “are you out of your mind? “That’s the funniest fucking doctor in the world. Of course I’m going back there.” I have, like, Don Rickles as my primary care physician. That’s amazing. I’m faking injuries to go back to this guy. “You know you’re a piece of shit.” I’m like, “I know.” He’s fucking amazing.