So you want to talk about it? Oh yeah. It all started in 1977. I mean, that’s when I started doing it regularly. How many times have you done it? Six times. I’ve done it six times. Why do you do it? I don’t know. It’s like I can’t help myself. What does your family think? Thank God my family doesn’t know. But how’d you get caught? They were taping me. Taping you? Yeah. Every time I did it, they had a tape running. Jumbo shrimp, those words don’t even go together, man. That’s like military intelligence, they have that, too. How did they do that? That’s what they tell you, get on the plane, get on the plane. Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane.

I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. Al Sleet here, your hippie dippie weather man with all the hippie dippie weather, man. Got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard Snap, Crackle, fuck him. Have a nice day. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting. That’s all your house is, is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. But here’s a little cheer, a lot of people like it, it goes like this, rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hurrah, lizard shit. Fuck. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2s.

Does it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re going to keep the fucking real ones. Thank you, thank you very much. Welcome to our show.
Don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger, huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us?

Now I’d like to begin tonight with an opening announcement. Because of the FCC, I’m never sure what it is I’m allowed to say, So. So I now have my own official policy. This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say, bottom line, game plan, role model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back, mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it, and I will not check it out. I don’t even know what it is. And when I leave here, I definitely will not boogie. I promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a beautiful person, or a happy camper. I will also not be saying, what a guy. And you will not hear me refer to anyone’s lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word “lifestyle” is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active, outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute things, like moi, and I will not use the French adverb très to modify any English adjectives, such as très awesome, très narly, très fabut, très intense, or très out of sight. I will not say concept when I mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean effected. There will be no hands on state of the art networking. We will not maximize, prioritize or finalize, and we definitely will not interface. There will also… There will also be no new age lingo spoken here tonight, no support group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not share anything with you. I will not relate to you, and you will not identify with me. I will give you no input, and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a learning experience, nor will it be a growth period. There’ll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not establish a relationship, we will not have any meaningful dialogue, and we definitely will not spend any quality time. We will not be supportive of one another so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you’re one of those people who needs a little space, please, go the fuck outside! We will, we will, however, be talking about those little moments that seem to last forever. Have you ever been in a serious social situation when you suddenly realize you have to pull the underwear out of the crack in your ass? Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Huh? Who, her? Oh, hell yeah. Well, it’s one of life’s little moments, isn’t it? It’s one of those little moments you have to deal with at the time. You can’t postpone that. You can’t put that off and be walking around like this. You’ve got to get in there and clear that thing out. You’ve got to rescue your underwear. There’s a letter in your mailbox. That’s right. And you have to rectify that situation so that you can move along to your next embarrassing moment, which is probably scheduled immediately. That’s the way life is, full of those little moments. Everybody knows them, everybody recognizes them. You ever been at a really loud party, I mean, a good loud party where the music is playing too loud and everybody is talking too loudly, and in order to be heard even by the person standing right next to you, you’ve got to be screaming at the top of your lungs. But every now and then at a party, it seems as though everyone shuts up at the same time. And only your voice, can be heard. Right, I know. I know. Well, what I’m going to do, I’m going to have my testicles laminated. Life’s little moments. You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt. And you have to just kind of keep talking, you know, and make believe it’s part of the design. Works all right if you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but otherwise they’re going to notice. Ed, you got a big snot on your shirt. Some guys are really cruel, you know. And some of these things are not even your fault. These little things that happen, you didn’t cause the situation, a lot of time you’re the victim. You walk into some situation, and suddenly you’re the one who’s taking all the heat. Not your fault. Give you an example of the kind of thing I mean. Did you ever meet somebody and you go to shake the guy’s hand and you suddenly realize he doesn’t have a complete hand? And you got to make believe it feels great, Right, you can’t go ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! You can’t do that. It’s not even an option. You got to hang in there and say hi, hey, swell hand. Give me three. Hi 3, yo! Not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You weren’t even there when it happened to the guy.
