You were probably out walking your dog, which is what I’m usually doing, walking my dog. Because I love my dog. I love all my dogs. I love every dog I ever had. I remember them all, and I love every one of them, still love all my dogs. And I’ve had me a lot of God damn dogs. In my lifetime I have had me a bunch of different dogs. Because you do keep getting a new dog, don’t you? You just keep getting one dog after another. That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs. It’s true, you just keep getting a new dog, don’t you? That’s what’s good about them, they don’t live too long. And you can go get a new God damn dog. Sometimes you can get a dog looks exactly like the dog you used to have, right? You shop around a little bit, you can find a dog identical to your former dog. And that’s real handy because you don’t have to change the pictures on your mirror or anything, right? You just bring the dead one into the pet shop, throw him up on the counter, say give me another one of them. That was real good. And they’ll give you a carbon copy of your ex-God damn dog. Now, my favorite dog that I ever had in my whole lifetime was Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Some of you remember, I’ve talked about Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Tippie was a mixed terrier. You know that word mixed that the veterinarian puts on the form when even he don’t know what the fuck you got. You bring in a little mixed puppy to a veterinarian and say, what is it? He’ll say, well, it’s definitely not a monkey. Tippie was actually part Dodge Dart. Poor Tippie was full of guilt, so much so in fact she’s the only dog I ever had who committed suicide. Yeah, well, we don’t say it like that around the house. We say she put herself to sleep. But she ran out in front of a milk truck. That’s fucking suicide. But that was her decision. That’s what Tippie wanted to do. And that’s the way it is in our family, if you want to commit suicide, we back you up. So we supported Tippie in her little suicide decision, then we brought her into the pet shop, threw her up on the counter, and said, give us something bigger. We’re trading up. We was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Because Tippie had been teenie, even before the truck came by. The truck had made her teenier, wider, but teenier. And we was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Not too big, you know, I don’t like a dog who’s bigger than I am. It’s bad enough looking for shit in one direction without having to duck flying turds as well. A good rule of thumb is keep the dog’s asshole below eye level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog, knee high, just about like this size here, best size you can own, by the way. Most people know, this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it right in their crotch. Oohh, oohh, he smells my dog. No, Marge, I don’t believe that’s the animal he has in mind. And people get embarrassed by that, especially the owner of the dog. The owner’s the one who’s saying stop that, stop that, will you stop that now, stop it. I’m awfully sorry about this. Not me, I say, get in there and get some of that. Get in there and sniff that thing out, go on. Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit so he can get right in there? Yeah, stand like this for a little while, would you? Okay, looking good now. So how’s your mom and dad doing, anyway? Well, God bless them, it’s a wonderful couple. Go around the back, check it out in the back. Sniff that other thing in the back there. What’s that? Well, there’s two different smells he likes, what can I tell you. Don’t pay him no attention, he’ll be finished in just about half an hour. So listen, Reverend, it’s real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Every one of us is always glad to see you around here, especially that God damn dog. Those dogs are great, they’ll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. Hi, we’re the Johnsons. What’s his name? Ball Sniffer. He’s a crotch hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he’s on duty till 5:00 o’clock. Dogs are a constant source of entertainment. Did you ever have a dog that ate cat turds? Some of them do, some of you must know that? Did you ever have a dog eat cat turds? Yeah. Of course you got to have a cat, you know. You can’t be buying cat turds at the supermarket. But it’s true, some dogs will eat cat turds, yeah. Don’t let them lick you that day. Get a bottle of Listerine for him. Try to make him gargle. Pour it down his throat and tell him to howl. Come on, howl, howl, God damn it. Stomp on his tail. Howl, I said, God damn it, howl. Oh, dogs are a lot of fun. Did you ever have a dog that ate a bunch of colored balloons and then he takes a shit and it’s real decorative like? Or sometimes at Christmas they’ll eat some tinsel and take a shiny shit. Wow, look, mom, can we hang it on the tree? Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures. Here’s a little household hint for you. This will help you clean up after your dogs. Feed your dog a lot of rubber bands. Put a lot of rubber bands in with his regular food, then when he takes a shit, there’s usually a little loop in the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop, do you know what I mean? Throw it in the neighbor’s yard. Yeah. That’s why I travel around, give these little household hints. Bet you never read that one in Heloise, huh?
