I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. - Don’t you love that moment? Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah…  Where will I park?”  And then they see me. “Hey, are you…?” -I’ll be like, “I don’t know. - Maybe.”

I like to give them false hope. Do you ever do that? They’re waiting for the brake light. First, they have their blinker on, like that’s an official… “My blinker’s… That shit is mine.” “Okay. Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?”  But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. So I’ll just hit my brake. And release it.  And you feel the tension rising. You’re like, “This is exciting.”  And then they snap, and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing?!”  And that’s when I go, “I’m eating In-N-Out. I’m…   I’m gonna have this burger now. It’s probably gonna take an hour, I don’t know.” Then, as soon as they drive by, “No, I’ll eat it later. I’m gonna take off.

Yeah. I’m very philosophical, you guys. I feel like life is about timing, you know? Timing. When to pull out, when to… - -stop wiping. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. So…  He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. -And then… - he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man. So… picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, -like, “Hi, guys. –  Keep your head up.”  “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.”  *laughs* Oh, my God.

And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot.  And then, that happened two more times. What’s up?  I’ll give you a sense of his vibe as, bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. He is not approachable. So…  my honky-ass friend… *laughs*  *man* Whoo! the biggest honky in America… *laughs*  goes, “Pacman!  Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.”  My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it.  And I just watched you. Uh…  Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?”  And he’s like, “I think, ’cause I’m actually shitting myself as it happens.” But now he knows he’s got one shot. Pac walks right up to him, like, “What’d you say?” My friend, he just goes, “Look, man. It’s a football.  It’s for my dad. And my dad loves you.” He said Pacman looked at him and he said, “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him.”  That’s the end of the story, but…   *laughs* Don’t you love the juxtaposition of angrily being like, “You tell that motherfucker,” but then, “Don’t forget to say thank you.”

I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. I was at an airport bar, I was getting up, and they called my flight. The bartender goes, “Somebody recognized you. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it. And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?”  I said, “Fuck his mother, I appreciate her. Tell him that.”  Asshole. So… I still haven’t found a place for it, but I’m working on it.

So… I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. I met a woman after a show recently. They’re allowed at my shows. And…  See? They’re here. And, uh…  She came up to me and she was like… *giggles*  -It’s a very specific woman, all right? - I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. Everybody’s like, “I know who you’re talking about right now.”  ‘Cause every city has…. *giggles*  You know my favorite part of that woman? If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” *giggles*  Okay. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” *grunts* And I go, “Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go…  I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.”  I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I’m not gonna…”  She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.”  Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.”  Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.”  And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. I looked 47 years old.”  It was alarming to other students.  They would see me walking through the door, and they’d be like, “Are you a fuckin’ administrator here or something?” I’d be like, “I’m a freshman. I’m 18.” And they’re like, “You’re a narc, that’s what you are.”  This is my birth face, man. I’m 41 Jump Street. So…  With this face, came great responsibility. I bought alcohol for our entire dorm. I don’t mean three or… Everybody. It wasn’t even a challenge. I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores, they’d be like, “Hello, sir. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that.  I bought booze. Everybody got booze.

I did the same thing with pornography. Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, “Why would you do that? You could just watch it in your dorm room online.” Well, the story takes place in 1997, and…  there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth.  I don’t know if you remember the late ’90s or were even around, but porn in the late ’90s was like, “Ah. Hm.”  “Ah. Hm.” Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, “Ah. Hm.” Now… keep in mind, I’m not buying porn for a couple buddies. It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were.  I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash and their wish list. They’d be like, “I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” - Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like…  “Mom said not to forget.” *fakes laughter*

So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn. And the owner of the store comes up to me. “You should go to this other store.” And I’m like, “That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.”  So I go, “Why?” And he just goes, “I just think you’ll like it.” And so I go, “Okay.” I go. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. The kind of building that’s like, “I don’t know. You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.”  Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform for the last guy you’ll ever see. Now…  this guy… is behind the counter. He looks up and sees me. And the first words out of his mouth are, “Piss fetish?” -And I go, “What? - No.” And he goes, “Oh, I got a full bladder. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?”  I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.”  I said, “Well, then, show me around. -Let me see what else you have.” You know? - I don’t want to be closed-minded.

So we go through the store. He shows me movies and toys. He goes, “We got a booth. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.”  And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. And you’ll notice, there’s a hole in the wall. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. And they’ll go just… like… this. And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole, and *clicks tongue* someone will suck it on the other side.  And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?”  He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?”  So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. And fear shooting down my spine. As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty. So I said…  “I”ll just take my movies. Thanks.”

So lady, when you say you’re horny “the way guys are,” I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are.  And she goes, “Yeah. I’m not that horny.” And I go, “I know.”

See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. If you’re a woman here with a man right now, you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth. -And honestly… - I’m no better. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…”  “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Where’d you go, man? I don’t see you anywhere.” All right. I lost some of you on that one. That’s how that goes. -So… - I see.

Some women are like, “Mm-mm.  My man would never do that.” Okay. Sure.  You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.”  Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. How about that?  Doesn’t go both ways. Isn’t that fascinating? If you’re a guy, you can’t be like, “I want you to eat it from behind.” She’ll be like, “The fuck did you just say to me right now?”  But a woman can go, “I want you to eat it from behind.” And we’re like… *mumbles* - “I’m gonna take some home in a doggie bag.” *barking*

I’m getting older. I know. We all are. But I am. I feel like I’m getting old. And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? You’re perfect.” But that’s on the outside, you know?  You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? Is when your vision starts to decline. Especially if you’ve had perfect vision. I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve had excellent vision. I’ve had vision that’s off the charts. Like, if I’m hanging out with friends, and there’s a sign ten blocks away, I can see it. “How do you see that?” “Jesus loves me. I see it. I can see it right now.”  And now I have, like, the squint of death. Or I look at shit like that. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. I’m just looking at shit. Don’t you ever look at shit?”

And it’s tough to accept. I’ve been in denial. You know where you can’t be in denial anymore? The DMV. I went to renew my license. And when you go, you sign and you pay. Very casually, the lady goes, “Can you read line three?” And I was still arrogant about it. I was like, “Pfft. Check this shit out.  A, X, G, L, seven.” She goes, “Seven?”  I go, “What the fuck is that?  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that symbol before in my entire life.” And she goes, “That’s a T.” So, I went… *chuckles*  “Pretty close.”  And she goes, “Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty close.”  It’s the Los Angeles DMV, so… I leave.

I’m in a panic. I go straight to my doctor. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade.  I walk into his office. I go, “Dude, test my vision.” And he goes, “You should get a prostate exam.”  I’m like, “For my eyes?” And he goes, “You should do it.” “I’m not even 40.” He goes, “Try it.” -I’m like, “Try it? - Like a sorbet? Just see if I’m into this flavor?” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I go, “All right, you’re my doctor. So, okay.” So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. He lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.”  And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,” like that.  It’s moderately funny. But if someone’s finger is going in your ass, as they say that, you’re laughing. I promise you, you’re laughing.  Just out of appreciation, you know. You’re like, “You said cock.” *laughs*