I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with that Miss American contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. I’ll tell you. That would get a little spooky after about 35 years or so, huh? I just want to work on world peace. Fine, sit down before you fall down, will you? And pick up all these Goddamn batons. I got a lot of ideas. You know what I think? I think Kleenex ought to have little targets on them. Wouldn’t that be a good idea, little bulls eyes right in the middle of the Kleenex, make it kind of sporting when you’re with your friends. (Blowing nose sound) Look Dave, an 85. That’s a good idea. I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. I got a lot of good ideas for new products like that. That’s what I think about on my off duty hours, things we need, products we ought to have that we don’t have. You know what we ought to have, we ought to have a diet salad dressing called 500 Islands. See, good God damn ideas, like that, huh? A Christian deodorant, Thou Shalt Not Smell. How about a feminine hygiene spray called Sprunt. Huh? Well, you’d never forget the name, would you? It would always be on the tip of your tongue, see? Marketing, marketing, that’s where I belong, among other places. Marketing. Here’s an idea I got. This is a yo-yo with a 2,000-foot string. You use it when you visit the Grand Canyon. See, I’m a visionary, I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead. Here’s a good idea, a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at. Yeah, kind of too idealistic, never make any money on a thing like that. Here’s something that’s going to make you a fortune, get in on this. This is a roach spray, it doesn’t kill the roaches, but it fills them with self-doubt as to whether or not they’re in the right house. Yeah. Here’s something I’m trying to interest the Japanese electronics firms in this. This would be a great product for Sony. This is a combination cassette player and colostomy bag. It’s called Shitman. Huh? Sure. Well, you never see that. You never see that. You never see a guy jogging down the street, listening to a Shitman. No, that’s one of those things you never see. There’s a lot of things you never see. And you don’t know you don’t see them because you don’t see them. You got to see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say, hey I never saw that. Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says, shit happens. You never see a really big tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with the roll bar. You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo. You’ll never see it. That’s one of those things you never see. Then there are some things you never hear, that makes sense. Some things you never hear. You never hear this, Dad, you really ought to drink more. Here’s something you don’t hear too often Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. Here is something no one has ever heard, ever, ever. As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off. You know why you never heard that? Right, no one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing, no one ever thought to say that before tonight. I’m the first person in the world to put those words together in that particular order. First guy, number one. Here’s something you don’t hear too often, Honey, let’s sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally. Mom? Mom, I got a big date tonight, can I borrow a French tickler from you? Then there are some things you don’t want to hear. Some things you just flat don’t want to hear. You don’t want to come home from work and hear, honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks? You don’t want to be sitting in your doctor’s office and hear this. Well, Jim, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t live another 20 to 30 years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes. Here’s something I don’t want to hear, I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m going to kill all three of us. Calm down, have some dip. Honey, it’s the police. They have a search warrant, and the 300 kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room. Here’s something nobody wants to hear, nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Halfway through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, I’ll be right back. I got to take a dump. There seems to be no really gentile way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn’t it bother you, people that announce it, I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shit. Never mind. Do what you have to do and leave me out of it, and don’t describe it when you come back. Boy, you should have seen… Never mind. It set off the smoke alarm. Never mind. I have never understood that, nor have a cared for it.
