You want to know how crazy that company is? I told that story in New York City at a show. And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number, and called me and goes, “I was at your show last night. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. I think it’s rude that you didn’t give me free shit.”  “I think you should stop telling that story.” And I go, “Fuck you.  Get out of here, man.”  And he goes, “Fuck you.”  And I go, “Why don’t you change my diaper?”  And he goes, “What?” I said, “You heard me, bitch.”  And it was at that moment I realized, we have this amazing insult at our fingertips -that we’re just not utilizing enough. - Why isn’t “Change my diaper” part of the lexicon? It should be the ultimate insult. It should be “Fuck you.” “Why don’t you fuck your mother?” “Why don’t you change my diaper?” Game over.  I’m serious. Rappers should wear them in videos, and be like, “Change my diaper, bitch.”  The president of another country should tell ours…  “Change my diaper, orange man.”

And listen. If you’re a parent, you know exactly why that insult is so appealing. If you’re not, let me key you in on a little secret. There’s a reason your asshole is the only part of your body you can’t physically see. It’s a fuckin’ horror show, okay?  When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years. And my son shits with his eyes closed. I don’t know how often you do that. I’m guessing it’s twice a year. Maybe the day you get back from Cancun, and when you tell the lady in the Thai restaurant, “Yeah, I can handle my spice.”  My son, every single shit, he’s like… *grunts* And when he’s done, he makes eye contact, and you’re like,  “Whoa.” And he pushes out the last bit as he stares through you. He’s like… And you’re like, “Ugh. You’re nasty as hell. Gross.” Just once, it would be nice if, as I’m cleaning my son’s shit-filled asshole, if he would look up at me. “Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah. And I appreciate you.”