I realized today that I need a hobby, because my workday just started, like, now. Right now. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day. So even if it doesn’t go well, it’s like, ah, you know, still a pretty good fucking day. Like, it was… wasn’t a bad day. It just… you know, that part at work that, for an hour, just didn’t go to my liking, and then I had a great day otherwise. ‘Cause my whole life is basically, you know, it’s… it’s… it’s hotels. Being in a hotel, just waiting for the show. Sad, right? I’m just waiting for the show to start. And you’re like, what… what am I gonna… I mean, you can only jerk off so many times before you’re like, all right, I’m gonna do it again, but… Right now it hurts. I should find something else to do. I absolutely ruin hotel rooms. Like, if you stay in a hotel room after I stayed there, shit is gonna itch on you, okay? Just being honest. Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room. Yeah. I do that too, except I’m alone. Like, I always wipe my balls on the curtains, because I know they don’t change those. Think about that the next time you want some sunlight. Or don’t. Just know that it’s on your hand, you know what I mean?

Here’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I got into online shopping recently. I guess that’s a thing. Here’s what I’ve been doing though. I shop for things that are, like, way out of my price range. And then after a while, I go, “oh, yeah.” I can’t afford that.” Like today, I was looking at yachts online. And then I was telling myself I didn’t want them, as if they were an option, you know? I was like, “155 feet? That’s not even” “big enough for all my friends and family. I’m not getting that shit.” What the fuck am I doing? You ever do that? You ever go down, like, a rabbit hole online, and then, like, six hours have gone by, and you’re like, “I’m shopping for the private jet” “that best suits my needs. “I think I found… this is it right here. The g550.” How much is this? Place order. $53 million? Well, maybe not now, but maybe later. I’ll just bookmark that shit for now. Boop.

You know what that is? That’s a sense of entitlement. That’s me thinking I should be associated with this thing. And I haven’t earned it. I haven’t. Neither have you, but also me. I get that feeling the most when I get upgraded to first class. Yeah. I fly every week. I never buy a first class ticket. I buy coach tickets. I buy them so much, I get bumped up to first class. I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, “look at these fucking poor pieces of shit” on my flight. Ugh.” I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, okay? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back. That’s for you guys. That’s for the big ballers up front. Some people buy first class tickets. I always feel like they know you got upgraded. They always give you the look like, “by the way, we fucking know.” You can sit up here, but you’re not like us.

God, it’s so weird. People… people ask me cra… like, I get asked fucking travel advice from strangers. Can we just break down how crazy that is? Like, people come up to me, and they’re like, “hey, you travel a lot, right?” And I’m like, “yeah.” They’re like, “where should I go?” Uh, I don’t fucking know you, man. You ask travel advice to people who know you intimately. They know you well. They can guide you based on what they know about you. I mean, you don’t ask strangers dining advice, right? You’re like, “hey, man, where should I eat tonight?” I know I’ve never met you before in my life, but do you think you could give me a recommendation? Uh, yeah. You should try this dim sum place. But then, that person might go, “oh, I hate the Asian world.” And you’re like, “oh, shit.” I didn’t know that about you.” “Yeah, I killed, like, four of them.” “What are you, like, a serial killer, or something?” “Yeah.” Now, you’re in an awkward conversation with a serial killer.

Here’s all I’m saying. I can’t tell you where to go. I can tell you where not to go. Wherever they film The First 48 on A&E. Oh, if you’re not familiar with the show, here’s what it is. Camera crews follow real homicide detectives for the first 48 hours after a murder. And the reason that that time distinction is so important, is that after 48 hours, uh, they give up on that murder. They’re like, “that’s some old shit. What do you want to do today?” You’re like, “how about you keep trying “to solve that murder, man? “That shit happened on Monday. It’s Wednesday. We’re not gonna solve that shit.” Really?

There are so many amazing moments on that show… so many. A lot of the episodes take a similar path. I’m blown away, first of all, at how many times there’s a witness to a murder. It’s crazy. I always thought murders happened in dark alleys, nobody saw shit. No. Every other episode, they’re like, “you see that shit?” And the guy’s like, “I saw that shit. Yeah.” “Where?” “Right fucking here.” “Really?” “I was standing here, and then he killed that dude there.” “What did he look like?” “He was, like, 5’2″ to 6’8″, something like that.” “That’s the fucking description you’re gonna give us?” “Uh-huh.” “Anything else about him?” “Yeah, he had ears too.” “Thanks, man.” “No problem.” They still will sketch that shit out. And they show it to people. “Do you know this guy?” And everyone’s like, “nah.” But then one guy’ll be like, “yeah!” That’s Cricket right there.” They’re like, “oh, shit.” You know him?” “I been knowin’ Cricket 27 years.” “What’s his real name?” “Man, that’s just Cricket. I don’t even know.” Stop being white and weird. That’s a perfect fucking impression, and you know exactly who that was, okay? Yeah, it’s a black guy and he’s wearing a wife beater, and he’s got on a dirty hat and he’s got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he looks like he’s about 33, but you find out he’s 76 years old. And he speaks super aggressively to the cops. Like, “I been out here for a minute!” And they’re like, “all right, all right. “Jesus Christ. When was the last time you saw him?” “He came through with jellyfish last week. They were lookin’ for some smoke!” And they’re like, “all right. Jesus Christ.” They always cut to the whitest detective from that guy too. They cut from that guy to a guy who’s like, “I don’t think he’s gonna help us out. We’re gonna have to find Cricket on our own.”

That show has the best moment in television. It’s the most dramatic thing you could ever see, ’cause it’s real life, and that is the interrogation. The interrogation is amazing. Because here’s the thing about drama… if you want to have a great, dramatic moment, raise the stakes. Guess what? There’s no higher stakes than somebody being questioned about taking somebody else’s life. It’s inherently compelling television. It is also super serious. But the detectives insist on using the suspect’s street name, so the whole thing turns into a fucking cartoon. Like, they’re literally like, “your life is on the line. “We need to talk to you. “Why don’t you have a seat, “uh, little stank? “Why don’t you sit down for a second? Did you or did you not know dookie shoes?” “I don’t know no dookie shoes.” “I got a picture of you hanging out with dookie shoes.” “I mean, I seen him. I don’t know him.” And then, they’ll throw one bit of evidence against the wall, hoping it’ll solve the case. They’ll be like, “well, we were talkin’ to nah’mean”, and he said that you were at the 7-eleven last week.” And he’ll be like, “yeah, I shot him in the face.” And you’re like, “goddamn, really?” That’s all it took to break you? Dude, lie. Lie for longer. You can kill somebody, you can’t lie for ten fucking minutes about it? Like, dudes will break on anything. They’ll be like, “we heard you had on a blue shirt last Friday.” “Yeah, I stabbed those four people.” Dude, a lot of people have blue shirts, man. You could still get out of this.

Here’s what I’ve learned watching that show, okay? Lawyer up. You can’t handle that shit. Everybody’s like, “I’m gonna talk to the cops and straighten this whole thing out.” You’re gonna do 25 to life. Have fun with that, man. Nobody asks for a lawyer. I’ve seen 300 people get interrogated on this show. Two of them were like, “can I talk to a lawyer?” And both times, the detectives were like, “fuck!” And then, at the end of those episodes, it said on the screen, “all charges against Tayshaun were dropped.” Or Jim. Pick a fucking name. Let’s be honest. There’s no Jims on the show. I’ve seen every episode, and none start with, “hey, Bryce, can we talk to you for a second, man? Where were you last Friday?” “I was over at tanner’s house. “Then Skylar had a party, so we went over there. “And then, we picked up Connor, and we had pancakes. “Sorry, bro. Detective bro, bro.”

I swear to God, there is no more liberating and fun thing to do in this world than scream in your best aggressive black guy voice. Holy shit. So much fun. I highly recommend you do it. Not if you’re black. If you’re black, you already do it. But if you’re white, do it. Do it in public. Do it where there are black people. And here’s a little secret, if you do it well, there is a possibility that a black guy will yell back in return. I do it all the time. I live in Los Angeles. Pick your spot. I go to Crenshaw. There’s never a shortage there. I do. I hang back and I go, “hey, yo!” And sometimes… sometimes, a black guy’ll go, “sup, d?”

I did it to Big Daddy Kane one time. I swear to god. I swear… hand to god. If you don’t know who Big Daddy Kane is, you can go fuck yourself, okay? I was standing on Sunset Boulevard. – A limousine pulled up. – Whoo! Like for sunset? Really? All right.  A limo pulled up, like, I don’t know, 30 feet from me. I was just, like, all right. See the door open. Who’s getting out of this limo? Expecting, like, a bachelor party or some shit. Fucking Big Daddy Kane. I’m like, get the fuck out of here. And something just took over, you know? The spirit grabbed me. And I was like, “‘sup, Kane?” And his head whipped around, and he was like, “you?” And I was like, “nuh-uh. That wasn’t me. “Somebody over there did that shit. That wasn’t me.” If you ever see Big Daddy Kane, please do the same shit to him.

Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. “Are people the same everywhere?” No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree. How about that? You like that? Here’s one universal truth about people, though. This one is true, and that is that everybody just wants to connect. It doesn’t matter where you go, or what language you speak, people just want to connect. And you know when you have chemistry with somebody. You know if you’re like, “I want to hang out with this person,” or “I want to date this person,” or “I want to harness this person to the bottom of my big rig and drive them around for a while “and bury them 18 miles west of lake worth. And when I drive by, I’ll get a boner.” We all have these thoughts, right?

Sometimes there’s nothing there, and people try to force a connection. I think that shit’s rude. I’m checking into a hotel a few weeks ago. The guy comes from behind the counter and he goes, “where are you from?” I said, “Los Angeles.” And he goes, “yeah, I got family in Denver.” And I was like, “what a coincidence.” And he goes, “yeah, they got a furniture store.” And I was like, “ah.” I like to sit on furniture. We’re two for two. I have shoes on. Do you have shoes on? Do you like to walk around? Let’s fucking party. There’s nothing there. Sometimes, there’s nothing there. And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to connect with everybody on the planet. That would be absurd. You should embrace that. I’ve been doing this. You should do this too. Next time you’re at a bar or you’re just out walking around, and somebody goes, “hey, man.” Just go, “nope.” I’m all friended up.” And if they’re like, “I just want to know what time it is.” Be like, “I only tell my friends what time it is.” You’ll feel like a dick, but then you get over it real quick.

I feel like no matter where I go, ten times a day, I find myself asking myself this question… I find myself going like, “hey, man”, “is anybody else seeing this shit right now? Have I stepped into a parallel fucking universe or something?” Like, I went to buy a coffee just a few weeks ago from a coffee place. Just so there’s no confusion. I didn’t go to a shoe store. I went to a coffee place, okay? I go to the lady behind the counter, and I go, “can I have a coffee?” And she goes, “well, we have a special promotion”, “and today, for $2, you can get this drink, “and it has vanilla, and… and there’s whipped cream and there’s sprinkles on it.” “And I was like,” that’s cool. “I don’t want that. May I have a coffee?” “And she goes, it’s the last day… Of this special promotion.” And I was like, “oh, I think I understand “the full scope of the promotion. May I have a coffee?” And she’s like, “you’re a fucking loser.” Here’s the thing, this woman was enormous, okay? She was hu… she looked like four people melted into one. So I was like, “you know what?” “You’re super fat. “You know when shit tastes good. Hook that shit up. I want to try it, all right?” And she goes, “it’s $2.” And I go, “all right.” And then I extended a $20, and she goes… And I go, “I’m sorry?” And she goes, “I don’t have the change for that.” And I was like, “oh, so what do you want to do now?” Are you saying I have too much money to shop here?” And she goes, “we just can’t handle it.” And I was like, “handle it?” It’s a 20.” Like, I didn’t put the hope diamond on the counter, and go, “figure it out, stupid.” Like, it’s reasonable, right? And she was just all shoulders. Like, mm. And I go, “nothing? You have no solution?” And she goes, “do you still want coffee?” I’m like, “yeah. That part’s never changed.” That’s why I’m here.” I go, “you can’t resolve this at all?” And she goes, “you could ask somebody else for change.” And I go, “another customer in line?” And she goes, “yeah.” And I go, “what about the box” with buttons in front of you?” And she goes… So I turn around to the line of people, and I go, “excuse me”, “do any of you guys have change?” And everybody was like, “you fucking asshole.” “Like, you’re at the place to get change. You’re right there.” Well, then this one Arab guy… and I’m not saying that means anything… but he was, so why leave it out of the story? He goes, “I have everything.” And I was like, “oh.” And then he opened his attache and he had every denomination of every currency. Like, where I could go, “I want one of those, and I want one of those, and I want one of tho…” he’s like, “yes, yes, yes.” Now, enjoy your pussy drink.” Okay. All right. And I want you to know something. I drank that pussy drink, and that’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my entire life. Pussy drinks forever. I’m not sure that’s what they’re called, so take your chances. But it would be cool if you went to a Starbucks tomorrow, and you’re like, uh, “can I get a pussy drink?” And they’re like, “I think I know what you want. Hold on a second.”