That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” - So, I go… *laughs* “Get it out.”  He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. Now.”  Then I sit up. I go, “Did you just give me a prostate exam so you could run those two lame-ass jokes by me?”  -And he goes, “Yes, I did.” - And I said, “It was really funny, actually.”

Then he tested my vision. He washed his hands, he tested my vision.  And he goes, “You’re right. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. “Your vision’s always sucked. You just didn’t know it.”  I go, “Do you care to explain more?” He goes, “Think of it like this. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. And now they’re tired.  That’s why you’re here.” I go, “Dude, that’s like me saying, ‘I’m young, uh, and my skin got tired. Now I’m old.'”  He goes, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I go, “No, it isn’t.  I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know.  I used to have hair, but they got tired, then they fell out.” And he goes, “Now, you’re getting it.” I’m like, “Dude.  How do you get paid to do this?”

And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. Physical flaws are funny. They just are. Disabilities are not. But some are.  Most aren’t. We know those ones, you know? Like, if there’s a 10K or a quilt. That’s pretty bad, but…  The rest are up for debate.  If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples.

First… foreign accent syndrome. Some of you know about it, some of you don’t. It’s real. You can look it up on your way out of here. Some people experience head trauma. Not funny. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. Very funny.  I defy you to watch interviews with these people and not piss yourself laughing.  Do you understand? Like, a farmer in Alabama who’s normally like… *mumbling* -That guy… - hits his head and is now like, “Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh… It fell.” That’s not funny to you, you piece of shit? Really?

The best case ever of foreign accent syndrome happened in the UK. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent.  Did you hear what I just fuckin’ said?  Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor?  A British lady, who, her whole life, was like, *in British accent* “Hello. It’s a bit of a whiffle, isn’t it? – Like that. –  Now says, *in Chinese accent* “I have not had my conversation, -and it’s over three year now.” –  First, do you know how hard it is to do that impression without squinting? Secondly…  if you’re getting uncomfortable, like, “Whoa. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. She’s white. This is fine. -A white… - British lady just happens to say, *in Chinese accent* “Would you like… a cup of tea?  Taste good?  You want milk? You want biscuit? Oh, good. You want me suck the dick now?” -I don’t know, whatever. - She’s a nice British lady. She can say whatever she wants. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… *grunting* “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. I got two more for you. So…

What about persistent genital arousal disorder?  That is a fancy way of saying, “Never not coming.” These are people that have orgasms every 90 seconds. And they can’t have jobs. Why can’t they have jobs, Tom? ‘Cause they’re coming all the time.  It’s not appropriate for you to be like, “Can I try on this shirt?” And the guy’s like… *grunts*  “Fuck your shirt. I’m gonna wear my old shit. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… - -Oh. “Just bring water, that’s too much sugar. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. It’s rare, but it happens. Can you imagine that? You walk up to somebody like, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad passing away.” And he’s like…  “That feels good.”  I made that one up. That’s not true, but…  That was cheap, but that was fun.

Now… If you’re still not on board with this, how about an old reliable one? You know, how about Tourette’s syndrome. Yeah. Maybe you’ve heard of that. If you haven’t, let me tell you. When I was in fifth grade, my parents sent me to a new school on a Wednesday. I’ll never forget. It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, “In the name of the Father, and the Son…” And the kid in the row in front of me goes, “Fuck your cunt.”  And I’m like, “Oh. Uh-uh.” Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, “Holy Spirit.” -Starts reading from the Bible. - -This kid goes, “Lick my balls! - Fuck you!” I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… *mumbling* I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, “How come nobody else…  is laughing?”  And the kid next to me goes, “He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.”

Three years I was at that school. That shit never got old. That was…  the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon me. And I’ll tell you this. The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born, was the day we had a substitute teacher that year, and they didn’t warn her about him.  Your imagination is serving you correctly.  It was glorious. I watched a ten-year-old boy break a grown woman’s spirit.  These poor substitutes don’t know what’s going on in your class. She walked in… Somehow, they didn’t tell her. And she’s like, “Read chapter three.” And his ticks would build. Meaning, they would start small. So he would be sitting in class, like… *mumbles*  *mumbling* So she goes, “What’s going on?” And we’re like… *gasps* “She doesn’t know.”  And he would do this every day. He would take markers and paint his own shirt. Every day he did it, but she doesn’t know about it. She sees it. “What are you doing?” “What do you think, bitch?” -*grunts* - Then he starts painting his face with the marker. And she goes, “Stop that.” And he goes, “Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.” And she’s like, “What’s happening? What’s happening?” And we go, “That’s Kevin. Why are you crying so much right now?”  She killed herself. She’s dead. So…  She’s out of teaching, but she’s fine.

So… I know. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I’m not. I’m a new dad. How about that? I, uh… Yeah.  Yeah. It’s the best. It’s awesome. Guys always hit me up. I don’t know why they trust me. “Should I do it?” And I’m like, “Of course you should do it. It’s the best. It’s awesome. They’re amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy. It’s way easier than being a mom.”  Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. Don’t abandon your kid. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do.

No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder, especially at the beginning. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. That’s why he cries a lot. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? He can’t talk, you dumb-shit. “Ah” means something. Figure it the fuck out. That’s why they make them so cute. Did you know that?  It’s so you don’t strangle them.  My son is so fuckin’ cute. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know?  Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby.  But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so…  Five? I don’t know.

Can we please stop, collectively, as a society, stop pushing the myth that having a baby is a selfless act? I hear people say that shit. “It’s the most selfless thing… -*mumbles* - that you’ll ever do.” No, it’s not. It’s not selfless. It’s selfish. Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall in love with a miniature version of you.  What’s more selfish than that? You’re like, “This is awesome. It looks just fuckin’ like me.  I’ve never loved anything more in my entire life.  My favorite parts of you are the parts that look like me.  Some parts look like you. Those parts are all right, but…  the parts that look like me are amazing. I would do anything for you, mostly because I feel like I’m doing it for myself.  You’re the best, new fresh me.” *kissing*  That’s what you’re doing. You’re populating the world with more of you. You’re saying, “I’m fantastic. *blows raspberry* -Here’s another one of me.”

Do we really need that many more of you? Yeah? I mean, do we? I mean, Martin Luther King Jr. had four. I get it. He should’ve had ten. But you?  All excited about, “Crab legs are on sale at Costco on Sunday, y’all.”  I think we’re all good on you. I think maybe you should stop.

Now, I’ll be real with you. If you’re wondering about it, about parenthood, you’re gonna have no more time. It’s okay, ’cause you’ll still have moments. Time and moments are different. What’s time? Time is like, let’s say tomorrow you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed. And then you go, “Fuck today.” And you go back to sleep.  You got a lot of time on your hands. Moments are like, you take a sip of something. “That’s good.” That moment is now over. See?  You live in moments.

Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right. That’s why. Yeah. I love it, man. I clear the bed. The dogs can watch, but nobody else, you know.  I’m at the point now where I taunt myself. Any of you do that? I’ll lay in bed and I’ll be like, “Who’s been a good boy? Oh.  Who’s been good? Who’s been bad?” And then I grab my balls from behind, like, “Who the fuck was that?  Did you…? You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. I’m telling you the truth!  “Cool shoes, Tom. Where’d you get ’em.” All right, I’ll tell you.

So…  I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon. And did a few shows. Big show like this. A group came up to me afterwards, and they go, “We noticed you have Nikes on. Do you like them?” And I go, “Yes.”  “Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?” And I said, “Not really. No. I like your shoes. I don’t want to see your office, man.” And he goes, “Well, you can shop at the employee store.” So, I go, “What’s that?” He said, “It’s a warehouse that has every product imaginable. And you would get 50 percent off.” And I go, “How about I rent a U-Haul and I empty your fuckin’ store tomorrow?”

He goes, “Have at it.” I get excited. Next morning he calls me. He goes, “I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike, but you’re not allowed to shop in our store.” And I go, “Why?” He goes, “We put your name in our system, and it was flagged.” I’m like, “Flagged. By Nike. For not doing sit-ups? What the fuck is that all about?”  And he goes, “No. You’re a person of influence.” And I go, “Excuse me?” He goes, “You’re an entertainer. We call that a person of influence. You’re not allowed to shop in the store.” I go, “That’s fucked up.” “You can try to go through the entertainment division.” “What’s that?” And he goes, “That’s free stuff.” I go, “All right.” So…  I get that number and I call. And this guy answers, “Nike Entertainment.” And I go, “Hey. Tom Segura.”  And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m a person of influence.”  And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m calling about my free shit.”  And he goes, “All right.” And I go, “So, how do you want to do it?”  And he goes, “We’ll regroup, and we’ll get back to you.” And I go, “Okay.” And they never called, so I bought these Adidas for $130. So…  Fuck you, Nike!  Let’s see if you even survive without my purchases now.