Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water. Figure this stuff is safe to drink. Huh? Actually, I don’t care if it’s safe or not, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I’m an American, and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. That’s right. I’m a loyal American, and I’m not happy unless I’ve let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here. Ah. A little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer, I think. It’s good for you, keeps you on your toes. Besides, I ain’t afraid of cancer, I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills cancer. A lot of people don’t know that, it’s not out yet. It’s true, you find out you got some cancer, get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli, that’ll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower, too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers, the ones you can see through clothing from across the street. Broccoli kills the little ones, the ones that are slowly eating you away from inside, while your God damn goofy half-educated doctor keeps telling you, you’re doing fine, Jim. In fact, bring your doctor a bowel of broccoli, he’s probably got cancer, too, probably picked it up from you. They don’t know what they’re doing, it’s all guesswork in a white coat. Here, let me have a few more sips of industrial waste. Ah, maybe, maybe I can turn them cancers against one another. That’s what you got to hope for, you know, that you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the most cancer you got, the healthier you are. Well, I know, some people don’t like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don’t like you to mention certain things. Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen.

Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many really stupid people you run into during the day? God damn, there’s a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you, you wind up with 30 or 40 names by the end of the day. Look at it this way. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is fucking stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of shit. Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of shit. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of shit, they’re fucking nuts. Dan Quayle is all three, all three, stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts. And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ’s sake. Let me ask you something, does he actually have to fuck that woman? Huh? God help him, I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick.

That’s my political humor. People like it when you’re topical. Oh, some people don’t like you to talk like that. Oh, some people would like to shut you up for saying those things. You know that, lots of people, lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk, tell you what you can’t talk about. Sometimes they’ll say, well, you can talk about something, but you can’t joke about it. Say you can’t joke about it because it’s not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time, like rape. They’ll say, you can’t joke about rape. Rape’s not funny. I say, fuck you, I think it’s hilarious, how do you like that? I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. See? Hey, why do you think they call him Porky, huh? I know what you’re going to say, Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky. Porky couldn’t help himself, he got a hard-on, he got horny, he lost control, he went out of his mind. Lot of men talk like that, lot of men think that way. They think it’s the woman’s fault. They like to blame the rape on the woman, say, hey, she had it coming, she was wearing a short skirt. These guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers. Don’t seem fair to me, don’t seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke, what the exaggeration is, what the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration, every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this is the paper? Every now and then you run into a story that says, some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81-year old woman. And I’m thinking to myself, why? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have? I want to say, why did you do that? Well, she was coming on to me. We were dancing, and I got horny. Hey, she was asking for it. She had on a tight bathrobe. I say, Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time, will you? Now, speaking of rape. You know what I wonder? I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole? These are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone and the power goes out. I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole. I mean, per capita. I know the populations are different. Most people think it’s the equator. I think it’s the North Pole. People think it’s the equator because it’s hot down there, they don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits, they get horny, and there’s a lot of fucking going on. That’s exactly why there’s less rape at the equator, because there’s a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there’s a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people life near the equator. How many Eskimos we got, 30, 35? No one’s getting laid at the North Pole, it’s too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, hey, tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh? Are you crazy, the wind chill factor is 300 below. These guys are deprived, they’re horny, they’re pent up. Every now and then, they bust out, they got to rape somebody. Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who’s kicking. Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone who doesn’t want to take them off? You would lose your hard on in the process. Up at the North Pole, your dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That’s another thing I wonder. I wonder, does a rapist have a hard on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day when he’s walking around looking for somebody? These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.
