i lie on my stomach at edge of the pool for a while , dangling my hands in the water , examining the little flames on my fingernails that are beginning to chip off . you wont remember having this conversation at all . the darkness , the wind , the explosions . she hesitated as she searched for the right words . been there , not looking to go back . `` or something that would be unfair to you . '' terry was cheerful , despite casts on both legs . 