i might as well get some work done while im searching for answers about my own past . when he said such things , you did not know whether to believe him or not ; you did not know if he was serious or leading you on for reasons of his own . just thinking about the future , he added , noticing the papers in lakes hand . at first she did n't turn the pillows over , because she wanted so badly for the note to be there - and because she was so afraid of what it might say . 