i needed to explain it all to him . my face hurt too much for smiles . his nod seemed to acknowledge her , but that was all . he wanted to kiss me right now ; i felt it down to my very bones . the morning sun warmed the kitchen . the voice was n't cold , but it had n't been inviting either . as i lay in bed , pulling the sheet to my chin , i stared into the darkness . the day before i leave for china . 