`` i wanted to ... i thought about it , but i did n't know how ... we were so new , you and i. i was afraid you 'd think the worst of me or not believe me at all . dad sighed , maybe finally seeing that he really had lost his little girl . but you could certainly go to hell without dying . `` i know what noise he makes when - '' i ca n't even get the words out . `` watch me , '' i said , not even looking at her . 