my father 's stare was all i could concentrate on . i didnt want to leave the trailer and everything familiar , but if i stayed home , id wallow in self-pity . he could not do worse by trying than he had by fleeing . `` so , '' he says , and his voice is so cold , so even , so calm . let 's focus on this , because it 's after midnight . you 're lying back and taking everything i give you and waiting eagerly for more . '' 