everything is going according to plan and i ca n't stop smiling for the life of me . when i was young and i could n't sleep , my mother used to read to me to relax me . '' just when i had given up hope , you at last appeared , a woman who belonged to neither side of the war and yet also belonged to both sides . within seconds i 'd become hard , needing a release i knew i was n't going to get if i went home . 