but deep down , i also knew better than anyone how much my cousin was like everyone else . he heads into the building and i turn to face my closed door , panicking because i have n't changed , i did n't change . his health is too delicate for him to bear the rod himself . his jaws were getting tired and he had not eaten much yet . `` i did n't kill him , but for the record , if i did , i would n't be covered in blood . 