we were at the top of the stairs , and when i tried to push past him , he grabbed me and shook me so hard that the room started spinning . my lips felt suddenly dry ; my eyes felt wet . her eyes shot open , and she opened her mouth to say something . i stood alone all my life , watching from a distance . that chill on my skin grew colder . that 's what my room in the main house is- was for . `` you 're not going to distract me . '' 