you must- '' `` no , '' he said as gently as he was able , `` i do not have to do anything . '' she stroked his hair , her eyes touching every inch of his little face . the whole ugly scene played out again against the back of her closed eyelids . there was something so familiar about it , something she could n't place . it did n't pay much , but she was somehow able to keep us going . he had n't even known he 'd been holding her . 