stuffed animals crowded under the window , a dollhouse that was as big as my bathroom stood in one corner , and dressers overflowing with trinkets collected from a short life . or she could just watch a damn movie with him . no funeral that anyone could go to and all . i hated the idea of leaving a mess at home for my parents to clean up . damn it , how was i going to explain this to him ? i did n't want to admit it at the time , but i think i was kind of nervous . '' 