butch was able to pop up his shield a couple of times , he just needed to learn how to form it at will and how to keep the shield up for the length of time that he wanted . i pulled him into my lap , and the flood gates opened . i gaze up into his clear gray eyes . `` i think you 're being too hard on yourself . '' it was safer to avoid my father altogether , though it wasnt always easy to do . he blinked and looked down at the napkin in his hands . 