then i hold him there with one arm-i 'm surprised , for a moment , how much stronger i am-and lean in close to his face . it just does not happen the way i intend them to be . `` if i 'd known it was that easy to get you to admit how you feel , i would have done this a long time ago . '' in other words , these mean nothing to you . well , in that moment , with harry staring at me with wide , frightened eyes over his sweaty shoulder ... i lost it . 