if he did that , and then later lost her ... losing her would mean losing everything . he gives my hand a squeeze and i know it 's to comfort me . my last thoughts were of brooks and how twenty-four hours before i was in his arms . `` i learn what to do by watching others , like applauding at the opera when the rest of the audience starts . but for now , dyeing seems the easiest way . '' i hopped off the couch and ran for the bathroom to look at my destroyed hair . 