fighting, as i had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.
the difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes i feel that they have to have more than one new year between them. last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. i was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe i let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. i had been keeping myself back for so long that i just 