i was n't just punishing myself , i literally wondered if the world would be a better place without me in it . `` it 's just a neat little split and swap . there was some nervous laughter from the soldiers . without my maker to guide me , i was lost . sipping at his beer , he checked the security of the men . he lifted his head , kissed me again , but this time on the tip of my nose , and then he was moving back down me . 