she said , drawing away from me and sitting up straight . i hate you , says tony wiping his face . he leans back , taps out a few beats on the wooden arms of the chair , and waves me in . that thought made her knees turn to jelly . he crossed the room to the main refrigerator and pulled the door open . `` and that 's all i 'm looking for here again . he could feel the child 's imagined weight on his shoulders , warm and heavy , smelling faintly of wee and strawberry jam . 