he ran to her and calmed her as best he could , patting her neck . `` this is not easy for me , if that 's what you think . '' now i dont have confidence in anything . `` you mean , here , at the castle ? i could canoe in the tears i have refused to cry . he 's an act i put on for his wife , and i do it badly . he was right when he said she was looking for more than just a few new buddies . 