'i would forsake free will in a heartbeat if it meant i did n't have to feel pain any more , if i did n't have to cry any more . ' `` i do not know the fellow , '' he said firmly . i could n't do that for weeks on end . no matter what they did , as long as they were together , touching , seeking , he was swept up , undone . taking my soaking wet hands , i shoved his chest . `` does n't mean i wo n't follow you , though . '' 