finally , her mother cleared her throat . she was torn , as ever , between opening up to the only friends she had ever had and keeping herself to herself , which was what had kept her going for the last ten years or so . reaching out slowly , i spoke his name at the same time i touched his shoulder , `` jack , what 's wrong ? '' `` so damn much , but it 's not fair . i bent my head and tears slid down my nose . 