( The Frisky ) -- Groucho Marx once famously quipped `` I do n't care to belong to a club that would have me as a member . '' I sort of feel the same way about online dating sites . There has got to be a better way to meet people . Sadly , mental telepathy does not work . Unless you know what I was just thinking , in which case , e-mail me . We flock to digital artifices that both feed and coddle our egos , says writer of online dating sites . I 've recently begun ... researching popular dating sites . Not because I need a date . No ! I do n't need a date . I 'm up to my ears in hot lady action . No , this research is for you , for all of you . It 's a testament to my generosity of spirit I waded through these interweb love sewers in order to impart some sort of wisdom . Here 's the wisdom : dating sites are terrible . Possibly , if I was in prison , an Alaskan crab fisherman or a morbidly obese shut-in so humongous I had to wash myself with a ShamWow stapled to a broom handle , I could see the value in such sites . But I 'm not isolated , nor confined to a forklift . I do n't need a middleman brokering a get together between the potential woman of my dreams and my own abilities to self-sabotage and humiliate myself . I can do this without an intermediary . The Frisky : Have to go online to get a date ? This might or might not be a totally uninformed opinion . The extent of my research began and ended with me signing up for OK Cupid , and failing to finish my profile . I could n't even bring myself to pick a pseudonym , which just seemed like the first of many lies required to meet anyone . Do I call myself OptimusGandalf and admit from the get-go that I 'm an alpha nerd ? Do I overshare a little too much and pick EdgarAllanEeyore ? Or do I just admit to being a snarky , pretentious creep and go for HumbertHumbert ? The Frisky : Online dating dos and don'ts . I tried to fill out the profile , but instead , it just filled me with a quiet rage . The self-summary section was baffling . It pushed me into an existential identity crisis . Who am I ? Or more importantly , who am I when it comes to who I want someone else to think I am , so they will contact me , go out with me , and eventually kiss me ? Am I a sensitive guy , or a romantic , or sarcastic ? Maybe I 'm all three . I love long walks , going to see live indie bands , and whatever . I made sure to pepper everything with winking non-sequiturs and casual attempts at pop profundity . Then there was the section where I define myself by the books , movies , and music I listen to . My music list was a near impenetrable list of overly eclectic bands that reflect my excellent taste , punctuated by `` and Genesis . '' My movies were all '80s flicks , foreign films , and David Lynch . By the time I got to books , and wrote `` Pynchon , '' I was in a full-fledged state of self-loathing . The Frisky : Five online dating types to avoid . Let me get this straight : I 'm going to spend a ton of time crafting a persona that is a borderline dishonest amplification of the personality traits I think other people will find attractive so I can find someone who 's done the same thing , and we can both go out and discover that we 're equally compatible idiots fakers . It 's like a masquerade party in the Twilight Zone : I take off my Brad Pitt mask just so I can reveal Sloth from `` The Goonies . '' The Frisky : Downside of online dating . There are , no doubt , many of you who have met the love of your life via online dating sites . Good for you . Congratulations on basically winning the lottery . I firmly believe I have a better chance of getting a girlfriend dressed like Zeus , stopping women on the street , and bellowing , `` Rut with me , mortal beauty , and feel thine mighty , fleshy thunder ! '' Not that I want a girlfriend . I just broke up with six the other day . I can deal with the risks of love . The threat of heartbreak is what makes finding that one person who sparks your fuse so precious . But I have to be honest , the online dating thing freaked me out . It touched a nerve , and I 'm flummoxed as to why . The only conclusion I could come up with was that , maybe , we deserved them . Perhaps online dating sites accurately reflect a generation of singles so entitled to instant happiness and acceptance , we flock to digital artifices that both feed and coddle our egos . Virtual environments where we can indiscriminately reject dishonest projections of identity , while simultaneously being insulated from the very rejection we dole out . A play land of false romantic promises and deferred risk . A huge solipsistic waste of time . TM & © 2009 TMV , Inc. | All Rights Reserved .
Writer has trouble filling out his application for an online dating service . He says if he is too dishonest about his traits , his date will be too . Maybe he would be better off dressing like that , bellowing on the street at women . Says online dating sites are singles who are entitled to instant happiness .