( CNN ) -- Much has been written about the Obamas ' marriage . The president and first lady have attested to the long and hard work it takes to stay involved and connected to each other while maintaining their separate identities . Undoubtedly , sustaining a marriage is sometimes hard , as the first lady noted . But the Obamas are an excellent example of how the fruits of marriage can be realized by those who are committed to reconciling their differences and `` toughing it out . '' The problem is that , today , too few couples are willing to make such a commitment . Ever since California became the first state to sanction no-fault divorce law 40 years ago , with every state in essence following suit -- some with certain stipulations -- the most fundamental thread in the fabric of our American values , the institution of marriage , has been unraveling . Before I retired from the bench a few months ago , it was my job as a judge to sort through all the issues rising , in part , from the growing lack of reverence many Americans have for marriage . In court , I often saw humanity 's worst behavior . I also dealt with teenage mothers , absentee fathers and parents who have never been married , often by choice . I saw parents who did n't seem able or willing to connect their children 's problems with their own failure to provide their children with the necessary road map to self-sufficiency and productivity . And these families did n't just show up in my courtroom . They exist everywhere . The U.S . Marriage Index shows a dramatic decline in the health of marriage in recent decades . America is a society that requires its citizens to make choices and penalizes them , often harshly , for the wrong ones . As a child grows up , the guideposts should be : finish school ; become a productive citizen ; marry a person you want to spend your life with ; and , if you want , have children . In that order . But many Americans are failing their children because they have already failed themselves . They often enter the court system with domestic problems and low-wage jobs , slim educational credentials and no life partners . It broke my heart to see so many children raising babies before they are ready : young people who made no connection between the poverty and chaos in their lives and the choices they had made . My options in addressing these problems from the bench were limited . The courtroom is seldom the stage at which social change takes place . By the time these cases appeared in court , so much damage had already been done . What our society needs is a solution on the front end . We should begin by considering six points : . Let 's stop glorifying single parenthood . Celebrity unwed parents like `` Brangelina , '' Halle Berry and the late Michael Jackson make matrimony seem unimportant and suggest that having a baby as a single parent is `` cool '' and even easy . Our children need a reality check . Many young people think that having a child means that they will finally have someone who will unconditionally love them . They do n't consider , however , that babies do not and can not love anyone but themselves , and they also take a tremendous amount of time , attention and resources . Memo to single mothers by choice : When you decide to have a child alone in order to fulfill your deep need to parent , you may be deliberately substituting your emotional loss for that of your child , who will have to grow up without a father . We need to respect the role of men as husbands and fathers when they do right by their families . Boys and girls need their fathers to love them and to model the sacrifice and commitment that bonds a married couple . Men who `` man up '' like this need our support and encouragement . Our state legislatures should revisit no-fault divorce laws that allow one party to a marriage to opt out of it too easily . Change now can result in change in the future . Although there are many success stories , children who grow up in single-parent families are less likely to enjoy the financial security , educational success and social skills of children living with their married parents . This only continues to fuel poverty and inequality in our country . By the way , I 'm neither a strait-laced goody-two-shoes nor Archie Bunker in heels . I would never condemn anyone who has had a child out of wedlock or who has gone through a divorce . I was a divorcee , and with two children , I was also a single mom . So I know that these things happen . Indeed , sometimes they must happen . And because they do , we need to respect every family form . But I 've been around long enough to know that as marriage goes , so go our children . And with them goes the future of our country . Consequently , everyone -- rich or poor , single or married or divorced , gay or straight , all races and colors , from the first family to the single-parent family -- benefits from a vibrant marriage culture . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Leah Ward Sears .
Leah Ward Sears : Couples unwilling to make commitment to rewarding marriage . Sears : Obamas exemplify good marriage , committed to reconcile differences and tough it out . Sears ' order of priorities : School , work , marriage with goal of spending life together , children . Advice : Stop glorifying single parenthood ; support dads and husbands ; revisit divorce law .