( CNN ) -- On Tuesday , citing safety concerns , the National Transportation Safety Board called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers . It 's the most far-reaching recommendation of its kind to date , and it extends to wireless headsets . What will the fallout of the ban be ? It 's likely to cut down on sightings of drivers who appear to be having spirited conversations with their car 's leather interior . But might n't it also lead to other similar bans ? So here 's a speculative look at eight of the more questionable and dangerous activities that federal law might see fit to clamp down on . Skiing or snowboarding while listening to an iPod . In the same way that a preoccupied driver is a menace on the road , so , too , is a hearing-deprived skier or snowboarder a terror on the slopes . When an athlete cuts off a source of outside stimuli thusly , he deprives himself of a valuable auditory cue : bloodcurdling screams . When people near him scream out `` Runaway ski ! '' he thinks they 're simply singing along . A federal ban of iPods on the slopes would be easy to institute ; its violators would be subject to lift-ticket revocation and reduced hot cocoa . Applying eyeliner while riding public transportation . Not only are the practitioners of this activity in danger of impairing their vision , but they are causing undue levels of stress to the people who ca n't stop watching them . These public users of beauty products prove yet again that the word `` wand , '' particularly in close proximity to the word `` mascara , '' can be as destructive as it is magic . A federal statute , perhaps called the Maybelline Clause , would bring relief to millions of commuters . Lighting an oven by means other than a pilot light . Though very difficult to enforce without surveillance cameras , a policing of kitchen stove-lighting mechanisms would save many lives , not to mention eyebrows . Who among us has not turned our stove 's gas on , only to find that the pilot light has blown out , whereupon we wander off to find matches , thus allowing gas to seep into the kitchen ? An overhaul of this fraught activity could result in far fewer instances of fire or explosion . And many more evenings where people send out for pizza . Peering over the balcony of a skyscraper . Ah , the view , the view . The view is ... dangerous . It 's a human impulse to get closer to something you 're looking at -- even if that something is the Chicago skyline . Modern man has been very creative when it comes to keeping pigeons off of balconies -- witness the shards of glass embedded in concrete , witness plastic owls -- so it 's easy to imagine the government taking a similarly original tack when it comes to repelling humans from peering over precipices . Am I talking touch-activated sprinklers that gush lukewarm strawberry soda onto overly curious sightseers ? Yes , I 'm talking touch-activated sprinklers that gush lukewarm strawberry soda onto overly curious sightseers . Sticking your head out the roof of a fast-moving limo . Largely the province of prom-goers and bachelor-partiers , this dangerous activity is of no service to anyone . It is interesting only to its participants , much like televised fishing . The practice could be easily curbed through a sliding scale of fees , based on duration of head-out-of-window exposure and level of inebriation ; but it might be easier for limo companies simply to buy some glue . Thanking the doctor who performed open-heart surgery on you by sending her an e-mail that reads , simply , `` thx . '' This unseemly activity is , admittedly , not dangerous , except in the way it devalues human discourse and causes at least one member of a profession necessary to our survival on the planet to question his life 's purpose . A `` thx '' ban could be enforced either through the creation of a Big Brother-like scanning system or a complaints bureau . Violators would be forced to type what they had previously neglected to type -- `` thank you very much '' -- 5,000 times a day for two weeks . Using a paper shredder or fax machine while wearing a necktie . The male equivalent to the eyeliner-on-a-moving-vehicle scenario , this imperiling activity is seen daily in offices nationwide . Yet no one talks about it . That we live in a country whose restaurants regularly bear informational posters about the Heimlich maneuver only underscores the casual disregard we have for potential necktie-related mayhem . Offenders of this ban might be forced to wear their tattered neckties to work , or to do volunteer work at a local Kinko 's . Calling someone `` honey '' if you are not Southern or a waitress . Instant or feigned intimacy is too much for some people to bear , and may result in friction or even violence . The issuing of a DYHM ( Do n't you honey ME ! ) ticket might do much to cool the fires of sudden or false ardor . Repeat offenders would be sent to work at large , nameless corporations , or be required to move to Tupelo . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Henry Alford .
National Transportation Safety Board has called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers . Henry Alford asked : What other risky activities should federal law clamp down on ? How about skiing while listening to an iPod ? Or climbing over the balcony of a skyscraper ? Maybe applying eyeliner on a train ? Or using a paper clip while wearing a suit ?