( CNN ) -- I was 17 when my mother died of breast cancer . She was 42 . It seemed old to me then . As a middle-aged mother myself now , I see it differently . Forty-two was impossibly young . I 've spent more than half my life without my mother . Does it sound odd to hear that I still miss her , even after 33 years ? I used to think that feeling sad two years , five years , even 10 years after her death meant I 'd somehow grieved wrong . But now I know differently . Mourning is a lifelong process , especially for children who lose a mother young . When a child loses a mother , maturity often follows quickly . `` Normal '' is irrevocably redefined . Over the years , milestones that bring joy to others may trigger a range of mixed emotions in the motherless . Graduations , weddings , childbirth , new jobs : These are all times of transition when we long for a mother 's support , encouragement or celebration . But when we look over our shoulders for reassurance , a mother is n't there . This can lead to a new mourning cycle , where the pain feels fresh and raw . It explains why , upon the birth of my first child , I was relieved to have a healthy child , overjoyed to have a daughter ; and also terribly , terribly sad , because my mother would never meet her . Some transitions are one-time events , like reaching a mother 's age at time of death . This is a profound turning point for a motherless woman , who often carries the fear that she 'll die at the same age . Forty-two was an emotionally charged year for me , but 43 was even stranger . I 'm now seven years older than my mother got to be . How does an adult daughter even begin to make sense of that ? In the 20 years since the publication of `` Motherless Daughters '' I 've met thousands of motherless women , all around the globe . Many of them have found mother substitutes in grandmothers , aunts , sisters or good friends . That was never true for me . My greatest source of comfort has come from other women like myself . We `` get '' each other , right away . We cry in the back of school concerts because we 're equally proud and sad . We raise our children to be independent just in case we , too , die young . And we understand , whether we 're mothers or not , how Mother 's Day weekend can be a double-edged sword . Motherless women -- as well as daughters who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mothers -- really have no culturally sanctioned way to recognize their mothers on Mother 's Day . So we 're free to create our own . Here are some ideas from two decades of interviews with motherless women and 33 years of spending Mother 's Day without my own : . Attend a local Motherless Daughters Day luncheon . More than two dozen groups of women throughout the country , from Orange County , California , to Chicago to New Orleans plan luncheons on the day before Mother 's Day ( or soon after ) to honor mothers no longer living . During a Circle of Remembrance women say their names and their mothers ' names out loud . Make your mother part of the day . If she liked to cook , make one of her recipes . Put her picture on your mantel . Tell your children or nieces and nephews a story about her . Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away . If you have a strained or nonexistent relationship with your mother , use the day to celebrate life instead , in honor of the life she gave you . Get your hands into the earth and plant seedlings . Volunteer at an animal shelter . Do what nurtures and inspires you most . This year marks the 100th anniversary of Mother 's Day as an official , national holiday . Let 's remember , too , Anna Jarvis , the woman responsible for lobbying President Wilson to create the national holiday -- and herself a motherless daughter . I 'll be celebrating the same as usual : having brunch with my husband and daughters , enjoying a low-key afternoon at home and searching for a way to honor my mother , as I 've done every Mother 's Day since 1982 , the first I spent without her .
Hope Edelman 's mother died when she was 17 . She still grieves her 33 years later . She says kids mature quick when mom dies ; life 's milestones renew mourning cycle . She says Mother 's Day can be disorienting ; she 's comforted by people who 've lost moms . Edelman : Recall your mom by life-affirming acts , cooking what she cooked , honoring her memory .