( CNN ) -- You know those electronic collars that zap dogs that stray outside their electronic fences ? That seems to be the purpose of everyone 's favorite and seemingly innocuous phrase , `` man up . '' Just mumbling those two words in a typical guy 's direction delivers a psychological shock that discourages him from venturing outside the restrictions of our traditional view of what it means to be a man . Famed author Norman Mailer , known for his machismo and string of women , once said `` tough guys do n't dance '' -- something I 'm sure would be news to the men of the NFL , who are known for their machismo , string of women and , well , dancing in the end zone wearing tights . But that 's the beauty of `` man up . '' Sometimes it 's the punchline shared among friends . Sometimes a mandate from strangers . At no point is it uniformly defined . Dolphins ' Incognito-Martin mess : Is coach to blame ? The irony in all of this , of course , is that it takes more strength to follow one 's own parameters than to stick to those handed down by the collective . A truth we 're constantly reminded of in Bible verses ; Robert Frost 's `` The Road Less Traveled '' ; and pop culture fixtures , like the 1976 flick `` Car Wash , '' in which the cross-dressing character , Lindy , confronts a critic with the iconic line : `` I 'm more man than you 'll ever be and more woman than you 'll ever get . '' And yet , despite these constant reminders of the strength it takes to be ourselves , when presented with an opportunity to recognize that strength , someone yells `` man up '' and we all retreat back behind the electronic fence : ridiculing , teasing , sometimes bullying , those who do n't immediately follow suit . Because of this , it 's hard to ignore the comical dichotomy that is American masculinity today : boisterous grandstanders too afraid to look in the mirror and deal with their own crap . A nation of men stunted by what is known as alexithymia -- an inability to `` discriminate the usual nuances of emotional life '' as defined by Jason Thompson , author of `` Emotionally Dumb : An Overview of Alexithymia . '' Psychologist Ron Levant believes `` a mild form of alexithymia is very widespread among adult men . '' He says it 's a product of the `` male emotional socialization ordeal , which requires boys to restrict the expression of their vulnerable and caring emotions and to be emotionally stoic . '' Which makes sense , when you think about the first time we hear things like `` man up '' or `` be a man . '' It 's never when we 're suppressing sensitivity , it 's only when we express it . Lack of connection with our feelings hurts our ability to empathize . And if we ca n't feel with others , how can we truly feel for others ? This complexity is being played out in South Florida this week . The Sun Sentinel is reporting that Richie Incognito , the man accused of bullying his Miami Dolphin teammate Jonathan Martin , was told by coaches to `` toughen up '' Martin . `` I 'm just trying to weather the storm right now , '' Incognito said . `` This will pass . '' And there 's plenty of evidence to suggest he 's right , for it is Martin -- the Dolphins lineman who left the team , exasperated by months of bullying -- who is widely being criticized for not manning up . As Giants safety Antrel Rolle tweeted , `` in this world in general people will do what u allow them to do . '' He was referring to his interpretation of Martin 's inaction , but that could easily be applied to the group of similarly sized men who ganged up on young Martin and dubbed him `` Big Weirdo '' because he was n't the `` norm . '' Incognito , a designated team leader , was emboldened because none of Martin 's teammates manned up and stopped him . Or worse yet , maybe someone did want to stop him but was too afraid to cross the `` man up '' electronic fence , a fence few men -- including myself -- are willing to cross on a regular basis . So we do what was done to us -- tell little boys not to cry , chastise classmates for being soft-spoken , let a co-worker know that he needs to grow a pair . It 's all fun and games until someone 's feelings get hurt , right ? And then you read a story , like the one of 17-year-old Steven Liu -- who last week jumped to his death from a pedestrian bridge near his high school , and who some said was a victim of bullying -- and you remember : Sometimes the continuous call to fit in , to `` man up , '' hurts more than just our feelings . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of LZ Granderson .
LZ Granderson believes children have an ingrained way of expressing their emotions . They use ` ` man up '' as a tool to help overcome the prohibition against acting human , he says . Granderson : This mechanism was in use in the Miami Dolphins locker room . He says : Who 's getting the blame ? The bullies or the victim ?