( CNN ) -- It 's been two years since Madonna Badger lost her three children and both of her parents in a Christmas Eve house fire . This fall she was finally able to bury her daughters ' ashes . It 's the kind of tragic loss that strikes people speechless . Badger writes about the horror and healing she experienced in the December issue of Vogue magazine , on newsstands November 19 . Almost every morning , she says , she thinks about that night , a Christmas Eve filled with singing , decorating with her girls , feasting on her mother 's homemade sugar cookies and wrapping presents late into the evening . She wakes up wondering what she could have done differently . Vogue.com : A writer abandons an unhealthy ritual . The family had seemingly done everything right . A picture-perfect winter holiday had been warmed by a roaring fire in Badger 's Victorian house in Stamford , Connecticut , which was undergoing a massive renovation at the time . They swept up the fire 's ashes at the end of the night , made sure they were cold , put them in a bin in the mudroom and everyone was in bed by 3:30 am . That 's when Badger 's life changed in unimaginable ways . She woke up choking on smoke . She opened her bedroom window and climbed the scaffolding outside to her daughter Gracie 's bedroom window . She tried to get to her daughters , but the fire was too intense . She remembers being taken off the scaffolding by firefighters and taken to a hospital . Vogue.com : Daniel AlarcÃ³n on his new book , `` At Night We Walk in Circles '' On Christmas Day , a doctor told her that her children were dead and her parents , too . Badger was moved to a psychiatric ward soon after her friends arrived at her bedside . When she was released some days later , she was thrown headlong into her children 's funeral . She managed to eulogize her girls , 9-year-old Lily and twins Sarah and Grace , who were 7 . `` My girls are in my heart , '' Badger told fellow mourners in Manhattan 's St. Thomas Church . `` They are right here . This is where they live now . '' The funeral service focused her , Badger says , but two days later , she was suicidal . She was hospitalized again and sought trauma therapy that brought no relief . So she called a college roommate who lived in Little Rock , Arkansas , and begged for help . Her old roommate , Kate Askew , soon came to take Badger home with her . There was one stipulation : Badger had to promise she would not try to kill herself . Vogue.com : The power of Instagram . After nearly a year of therapy and recuperation in Little Rock , Badger decided to return to her life in New York . By then it was once again the holiday season . Badger decided to join a friend on a journey to Thailand , to volunteer at an orphanage . It was one way to escape the pain of Christmas . She brought the girls in this far away place some toys of her daughters ' that had survived the fire . Their thanks had a profound effect . `` When I looked into the girls ' faces , I saw my children . It broke me open in a way I still ca n't fully explain , '' Badger writes in Vogue . `` But if these little girls were living their lives with joy and happiness , I realized â€ ” and if they could give their love to me after all they had been through â€ ” how could I possibly feel sorry for myself ? What they showed me was that what had happened to them had just happened . It was n't 'done ' to them , just as none of this had been 'done ' to me . I was n't being punished ; I had not been singled out . '' To read Badger 's full account , pick up the December issue of Vogue magazine or download the digital copy now for iPad , Kindle Fire , Nook Color and Nook Tablet at Vogue.com .
Madonna Badger 's parents and three children were killed in a house fire two years ago . The Christmas tragedy left Badger mentally and emotionally unmoored . Badger moved in with a friend to recuperate and gradually found her way back . She now works as an actress, but still struggles with the loss of her family.