( CNN ) -- Why do we love gangsters -- at least the ones on TV and in the movies ? The sudden death of actor James Gandolfini at age 51 has brought a round of instant nostalgia for the HBO show he led at the turn of the millennium , `` The Sopranos . '' It helped define the time for people living it , stretching between the excesses of the Clinton years and the grim patriotic grit of the post-9/11 period . There was very little admirable about the character of Tony Soprano -- most of us do n't murder on our lunch break -- and yet he became a kind of elevated everyman . From the commute home to New Jersey shown in the opening credits -- over the techno-blues of Alabama 3 's `` Woke Up This Morning ( And Got Myself a Gun ) '' -- to Tony 's constant struggles to keep in control at work , this was a violent fantasy for middle-aged managers who want respect . Opinion : Gandolfini 's gift to television -- and America . A half-century ago , cowboys and Indians were the quintessential American set piece for TV and film . The pioneer life was still within living memory . But since at least the 1970s , with Francis Ford Coppola 's `` Godfather '' films , the Mafia has become our central media metaphor . We are a nation of people who live in and around cities , more the descendants of immigrants than Western pioneers . The struggle is less for settling land and taming wilderness than it is for money and respect and defense of our family . The goal is getting ahead and living the good life . Gangster fantasies also undercut the old adage that there is no honor among thieves . While the Sopranos crew was often a rolling disaster of violent incompetence , Tony was the flawed moral anchor of the Mafia family , trying to instill some values even while acknowledging ( reluctantly , in private ) his own hypocrisy and contradictions . What made `` The Sopranos '' different from the boatload of Mafia shows that came before it was that Tony was in therapy . The sight of a mobster having an anxiety attack and suffering through psychotherapy was the central conceit of the show , the selling point of the pilot episode that led to the six-season series . But if `` talking about your feelings '' seemed like the least masculine thing you could do , here too Tony represented the plight of the modern American male , reconciling his animal instincts with polite society . Therapy is where strong silent types get sent to be civilized . Appreciation : James Gandolfini , a pure actor . Good luck . Part of the appeal of the show was the fantasy of being able to vent frustrations violently . `` The Sopranos '' was the anti- '' Seinfeld . '' While Jerry and crew fixated on the small annoyances of daily life from the perspective of Manhattan 's Upper West Side , Tony and his crew reacted to the small frustrations of daily life with violence over in New Jersey , punishing the pretentious , dishonest and arrogant with vicious beat-downs and more than a few bullets to the chest . They were n't going to be anyone 's nominee for civic leader , and yet the guilty pleasure came from watching oversensitive thugs refuse to take any crap from anybody . For middle-aged men , I always suspected that part of the appeal of Tony Soprano was the archetype he provided that fat men , who eat and drink and smoke too much , can be recognized as central figures rather than side characters . Overburdened with work and the weight that comes with too many good times under his belt , Tony was the patriarch who demanded respect and ultimately received it . He was oversexed and had what might be described as Old World notions of fidelity , despite his appearance , because `` power is the ultimate aphrodisiac '' -- and yes , I just quoted Henry Kissinger in a column about Tony Soprano . Tony Soprano 's best quotes . All of which is to say that Tony Soprano was not admirable , but was an eminently relatable figure for men who wrestle with the competing pressures of raising a family , running a business and being a man . He provided validation for their own mistakes and made them look good by comparison . When they struggled with their children , the disrespect Tony endured from his two kids made the domestic seem dramatic . When the average guys ' own dim-witted bosses , for whom they do all the day-to-day work , tried to undercut them , Tony 's struggles with Uncle Junior ( who tries to have him killed ) made their own frustrations seem manageable . In the end , having a Mafia show be a metaphor for daily life does n't exactly reflect a country living up to its best traditions . But then the gap between fiction and reality is always stark , especially in the rearview mirror . Tony Soprano mattered to so many people because his struggles were their own , writ large , and he could take decisive actions to demand respect for himself and his family that they could only fantasize about , trying to maintain control and impose something like sanity on all the constantly moving craziness that surrounds us . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of John Avlon .
John Avlon : After cowboys and Indians , mafia became our central media metaphor . Avlon : ` ` The Sopranos '' was a violent fantasy for middle-aged guys who want respect . He says Tony represented the plight of the male with its many contradictions . It's about an American man in his 30s trying to find himself after years of being told he is not good enough by women.'