Olympia , Washington ( CNN ) -- The news that Al and Tipper Gore are breaking up after 40 years of marriage has generated an outpouring of emotion . Although we do n't have -- and should n't seek -- the inside details , the couple says the decision was mutual and the process will be mutually supportive . Friends have told journalists that no third party was involved ; the two simply grew apart . It leads couples to wonder : `` Could this happen to us ? '' and `` Could it already be happening to us ? '' One woman called in to a radio show I was on and said plaintively , `` I thought I could count on my marriage after 22 years . You mean we have to keep working at this for the rest of our lives ? '' As a family researcher , I understand why the Gore breakup scares people . Divorces after 40 years are rare , but in 2008 , of people who reported divorcing recently , one-quarter had been in marriages that had lasted two decades or more . And divorces among couples 55 or older seem to be rising moderately , even as divorce rates in general have fallen from a high of about 23 divorces per 1,000 married couples in 1979 to less than 17 per 1000 in 2005 . Many people assume that late-life divorces are precipitated by some crisis , typically a man leaving his wife for another woman . But a 2004 AARP survey of people who divorced at older ages found that two-thirds were initiated by the woman , often to the surprise of the man . Although men are more likely to instigate a divorce when they have another partner in sight , women are more likely to say they just could n't stand to be with this partner any more , which jibes with the research showing that women are physiologically and emotionally more sensitive to the negative effects of an unsatisfying relationship . The rise in divorce rates for older people , which is occurring in Great Britain , Canada and Japan , as well as the United States , results from the confluence of two new trends . The first is that we expect more from marriage than in the past . It 's no longer enough for the other partner to be a good provider or a good housekeeper . We want marriage to include friendship , sexual satisfaction and an interesting give-and-take between equals . The second is that if a marriage ceases to meet their needs , older people have many more alternatives than they used to . Today individuals remain active and healthy much longer than in the past , so that staying together `` until death do us part '' means that 65-year-olds in an unhappy marriage will likely have another 20 years to wait it out , when they could be traveling , working , even re-inventing themselves . And opportunities for repartnering after age 55 are much greater than they used to be . Are late-life divorces a tragedy ? Sometimes , perhaps -- but three-fourths of the divorced individuals in the AARP survey felt their divorce had been the right step for them . And having to stay in an empty marriage can be a tragedy , too . For a new book on the women of `` The Greatest Generation , '' I interviewed women who were wives and mothers in the 1940s , 1950s , and early 1960s . Many described being `` trapped '' in empty marriages , longing `` to be free . '' But in those decades they simply could n't imagine being able to support themselves , much less make new friends as a `` divorcee , '' or meet a potential partner . One woman told me , `` We thought : You 're fat at 40 and finished by 50 . '' It 's scary to think that one 's own marriage could become so unbearably confining . It would be nice if every couple could grow together instead of growing apart . But it should be reassuring to know that if your marriage does become deeply unsatisfying , you have other ways to live the rest of your life , and you can end your marriage civilly instead of through humiliating public misconduct or explosive mutual recrimination . The Gores raised four children and were there for each other when they needed to be . Now that they have decided to part , they are trying to do so in a way that is fair and respectful . That does n't sound like failure to me . For the rest of us , the Gore breakup is a reminder that we ca n't take our marriages for granted . But we should see that as a good thing rather than a scary one . People need to grow , and growing together can be fun . One of the best ways to renew marital affection and interest is to face new challenges together , whether that means learning new skills , braving a white-water rafting trip , or traveling to a new place . Let 's take this as a lesson to stop working so hard in our marriages and spend more time playing in them . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Stephanie Coontz .
Stephanie Coontz says news of the Gores ' breakup makes older couples fret : Could that be us ? Contrary to assumptions , late-life divorces usually instigated by women , she says . These divorces rare , but climbing , she says ; chance for repartnering greater these days . Comment: Older couples should focus on growing together with shared experience , play .