( CNN ) -- My mother often tells the story of my first birthday party , which took about as long to plan as the gathering lasted . It included a homemade sheet cake . As my parents were ready to sing `` Happy Birthday , '' my mother went outside and invited all of the neighborhood kids who were within listening distance as she called out the invitation . When Bill Doherty , a family therapist and professor at University of Minnesota , was researching overscheduled kids about 10 years ago , parents complained that `` birthday parties are becoming out of hand . '' Talk to parents of school-age children , and they 'll tell you about the pressure and expense of the birthday circuit . Besides soccer , dance and violin lessons , children also have invitations to birthday parties several weekends out of the year . Doherty said that examples of extravagant parties were easy to find . In one Minnesota town , the parents of the birthday girl rented a bar for a princess-themed party . Guests were picked up in limos . The parents wore tuxedos and formal gowns . There was live music and champagne for adults . And the birthday girl was turning 4 . When talking with parents , Doherty said , it is clear how sensitive an issue this is . `` Birthday parties are embedded in local culture . There is pressure to meet those norms . It is embedded in human nature and not wanting to disappoint the child . '' According to Doherty , parents do n't want to send the message that their kid is n't as important as other children , so they feel pressure to go all-out to provide the experience of a lifetime -- every year . But , he says , it does n't have to be this way . He and a team created alternatives based on parents ' real experiences ; the goal was to offer options that actual parents find successful . Doherty suggests starting with what your values are . `` Do n't start with what everyone else is doing . Give yourself permission to have low-key parties . '' According to Doherty , the average child celebrates his birthday with three or four events each year , including parties with nuclear family , extended family , friends and neighbors , and school . `` Eliminating one of them would n't be the end of the world . '' Another suggestion : nix the goody bags . `` So often , you come home with a gift bag , and it is full of plastic little things that are going to end up all over your house . Junk that you do n't want , they do n't need and they 've lost by the next day , '' said Kathy Williams , a mother of three in Annapolis , Maryland . `` Talk to parents in the party circuit to negotiate a mutual disarmament , '' Doherty suggested . When it comes to the party favors , `` most parents do n't like them . They are an extra expense , and you throw the junk out anyway . '' The challenge is being the family to go first . `` Parents do n't want to disappoint or cause bad feelings . '' One of the biggest challenges Williams faces when planning parties for her children , Cora , Megan and Rex , is how to limit the guest list . `` I want to have it intimate enough where my children can spend time with their closest friends , but it is so hard because at school the kids are talking about their birthday parties and somebody is going to get left out , and then there is hard feelings . It is difficult . I do n't know what the magic number is or where to draw the line . '' `` Lead with your values on these decisions , not with money , '' Doherty said . Even with families who have more resources they can dedicate to a party , there can be unintended consequences for throwing a big birthday bash . `` The risk is sending a message to your child that they are more special than anyone else . '' When Williams plans her parties , she has one ultimate goal : `` I hope my kids enjoy their time with friends and family . That 's the most important thing . '' 5 tips to reduce stress around birthday gifts . 1 . Ask grandparents and family members to give no more than one gift . If they feel they need to give more , ask them to donate $ 10 to the birthday child 's college savings account . 2 . Ask for no gifts and suggest that invitees bring a canned food item to give to the local food pantry . 3 . Ask invitees to bring their favorite new or used book to donate to a local library or shelter , or have all the invitees exchange books at the party . 4 . Have the birthday child write thank-you notes before playing with any of the newly received gifts . 5 . Make a fancy homemade certificate giving the birthday child the gift of a special outing with a parent , such as to a museum , science center , sledding , beach day , camping , etc . List adapted from `` Birthdays Without Pressure , '' University of Minnesota . What 's the most extreme birthday celebration you have attended or organized ? Share your stories in the comments section below .
Kids ' party costs are skyrocketing for guests and hosts , Bill Doherty says . Gift bags contain more junk ; kids get overstimulated and hard to manage . Comment: There is pressure to make parties perfect , original and a once-in-a-lifetime experience .