( CNN ) -- For some survivors of the Deepwater Horizon disaster , escaping the inferno of the doomed rig made them feel like they 'd cheated death . But living with the scars of what they witnessed that night , and the memory of the 11 men who perished when the rig exploded off the coast of Louisiana a year ago , has in many ways taken their lives away . `` I remember feeling invincible when it first happened . I remember driving in my truck on the way home after the rig exploded and ( I ) pushed the gas ( pedal ) to the floor and never let off it , '' says Daniel Barron . But the high Barron felt from surviving did n't last long . `` You have that guilty conscience of , 'Okay , I made it , that 's great , but then these guys did n't . ' Was there something I could have done to save more people ? '' Barron says his guilt is compounded by physical and mental issues that are a result of the disaster . He suffers from memory loss , and has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression , according to medical records provided to CNN . He witnessed one of his good friends , whom he calls a `` fallen brother , '' die right in front of him when a second explosion rocked the rig . `` It literally picked him up . . . like a child would throw a toy . . . and he ended up bouncing off of the pedestal for the crane , '' he told CNN 's Anderson Cooper shortly after the disaster . `` Just to see him get blown up like that , I mean , it was , it 's heart-wrenching , '' Barron said . Barron says one night , the psychological pain and the guilt of surviving when so many friends did not , became overwhelming . `` I had a 6-shot pistol and I just wanted it to be over , '' he says . His wife discovered him playing Russian roulette and persuaded him to hand over the gun before it was too late . Douglas Brown , one of Barron 's fellow survivors , also speaks of the guilt of surviving the disaster . `` I am thankful that I , I made it out alive but a lot of times , I do n't -- there 's a lot of times where I feel I should , I should have died there too , along with my friends , '' Brown said . Like Barron , Brown has been diagnosed with multiple mental issues including PTSD , traumatic brain injury , depression and anxiety , according to medical records . A third survivor , Matthew Jacobs , says he thinks of the 11 victims of the Deepwater Horizon every day and wakes up screaming from nightmares where he 's re-living the explosions . `` It 's something that I just ca n't quit , you know , get out of my head , '' he says . Jacobs first told the story of his harrowing escape to Cooper in the weeks after the disaster . He expected to die as his lifeboat , which was being lowered 75 feet down from the rig , was filling with smoke and started to free-fall after another explosion . `` I prayed for my family to let God know that I love my wife and that I love my kids , '' he said . In the year since , Jacobs and his wife have started divorce proceedings because of his mental issues including , post-traumatic stress disorder and depression , he says . Those mental issues are also corroborated by medical records provided to CNN . All three survivors say their physical and mental injuries have left them unable to work and they 're suing their employer Transocean for lost wages and pain and suffering . While technically still employees , they have not set foot on a rig since the disaster and their employer stopped paying their salaries last December . They accuse Transocean of valuing profits over safety prior to the accident , and of valuing minimizing monetary losses over the welfare of its employees after it . In a statement , Transocean responded to their allegations writing : `` From the first hours , Transocean has focused on providing support for its employees and the families of those who were lost aboard the Deepwater Horizon , including continued full pay and benefits for eight months following the incident and professional counseling for those in need . Today , more than one third of the Deepwater Horizon crew are back to work at Transocean and the entire company continues to be inspired by their courage and commitment . '' Transocean still pays for some of the three survivors ' health care costs and gives them a small monthly stipend for room and board as required by law . The survivors were offered an additional six months of pay to drop any claims , but they declined , according to legal records provided to CNN . On the anniversary of the disaster , the survivors say they hope to one day put the accident behind them but also hope people never forget the 11 men who died that night on the Deepwater Horizon . `` I would ask people just to remember them and pray for their families , because I know those families are still suffering , '' Brown says . Watch Anderson Cooper 360° weeknights 10pm ET . For the latest from AC360° click here .
Survivors say the scars from the disaster have taken their lives away . Medical records : Survivors have been diagnosed with multiple mental issues . One says he wakes up screaming from nightmares . Transocean says its focus is on providing support for employees .