( CNN ) -- Valentine 's Day is here . If you 're single , you will likely find yourself assessing and reassessing your love life . Your Instagram feed full of perfectly filtered photos of roses , chocolates and TMI kisses will be a constant reminder that you are not in love and not in a relationship . Meanwhile , an endless string of engagement announcements on Facebook might lead you to question your singlehood and wonder what you have been doing wrong . You might even find yourself vowing to find a significant other by next year 's Valentine 's so that you can be the one tweeting about finding that perfect gift . But how ? Should you follow the old-fashioned pathway to love ? Put on a little black dress , hit the town and hope that someone invites you to dinner and a movie ? Recreate your parents ' courtship ? No . Because it 's 2013 , and traditional dating as we know it is dead . When I traveled across the United States a few years ago , I interviewed more than 100 men , women and couples about their love lives in cities big and small . My mission was to figure out what connection , romance and love actually looks like in today 's day and age . What I found was that we 're living in a post-dating world . The lost art of offline dating . The happy couples I talked to had not met and immediately started dating . Instead , they connected in more natural -- and yes , ambiguous -- settings . They played on the same volleyball team or were co-workers on a political campaign . Or they hung out in the same social group or were friends for years before getting intimately involved or got intimately involved right off the bat with no initial relationship plans . Or they met each other while living in different parts of the country and got to know each other via Facebook or Gchat before committing to full-on romances . Instead of going on explicit dates , they had tested the romantic waters , moved in and out of gray areas , and used technology to explore the various aspects of their connection before putting labels or expectations on their relationship . This romantic ambiguity was also reflected in my conversations with people who were single . Asked to define their romantic status , they gave me answers like , `` Well , it 's sort of up in the air ... '' and `` It 's really complicated ! How much time do you have ? '' and `` I would define it as , hmm , dating ? Ish ? Dating-ish ? '' Online dating and a formula for love . Single people were n't dating , and young couples who had fallen in love had n't gotten to that point through dating . Yes , there were men and women who bemoaned the death of dating . They yearned for the straightforward clarity of an earlier era where gender roles were obvious and technology did n't play such a central role . Then they would n't have to deal with the ambiguity of e-mails or the unclear signals of text messages . They would n't have to overanalyze every word and interaction . At the same time , though , even those people were ready to admit that going on actual `` dates '' was full of pressure and not very enjoyable . Traditional dating , they pointed out , encouraged an overly formal , inauthentic vibe that ultimately hindered instead of helped their efforts to make romantic connections . This was perfectly expressed to me by a 29-year-old female personal trainer in Denver who had experimented with online dating , matchmakers and blind dates . `` It 's hard to tell anything on the first date -- you 're so on the surface , '' she explained . `` I think expectations make things more difficult . They make it so much harder to pick someone , because you feel like the stakes are higher . ... You miss that spark . ... Whereas when you 're just 'hanging out , ' it 's easier . '' Cougars in training : Young women dating even younger men . If women struggled with the pressures of traditional dating , men hated them . As a 26-year-old male graduate student in San Francisco lamented , `` I feel this burden to have to do something eccentric or clever or unorthodox . I feel like I 'm fighting this almost impossible uphill battle to stand out . I have to show a girl a magic trick . '' His thoughts on getting to know women through more natural means ? `` The ambiguity is much more romantic and fun , '' he said . `` You have a crush on them much more easily . '' And is n't that the whole point ? For courtship to be fun while love develops ? Today 's romantic landscape is full of ambiguity , gray areas and a lack of guarantees about where any given connection might lead . So consider this Valentine 's Day an opportunity to set aside your outdated expectations and embrace a new mindset . Forget dating . Instead , welcome this new era and see every encounter as a potential moment for romantic sparks and excitement . The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jessica Massa .
Jessica Massa : It 's 2013 , and traditional dating as we know it is dead . Massa : Happy couples connected in more natural and ambiguous settings . She says some people miss traditional dating when gender roles were obvious . Massa : Other young people feel that dating is too formal and full of pressure .