( OPRAH.com ) -- What do you most want to know about your mom but would never ask ? When psychoanalyst Joyce McFadden posed this question to hundreds of women in an online survey that began in 2006 , she was surprised by their answers : Half of the respondents wanted to know more about their mothers ' sexuality . The queries ranged from the seemingly straightforward to the profound : `` Did she date other men before my dad ? '' `` Had she had an abortion ? '' `` Why did she have an affair ? '' In her new book , `` Your Daughter 's Bedroom , '' McFadden explores the great value in sharing these kinds of intimate secrets -- even when it 's awkward to do so . Oprah.com : How to get your daughter to talk to you . Understanding our mothers , she says , is vital to understanding ourselves . We asked McFadden how to get the conversation started . Q : Why are these discussions so hard ? It 's not easy to blurt out the private details of your life to anyone . But moms often do n't discuss their sexual pasts because they 're embarrassed about things that happened , or worried they 'll scare their daughters . The daughters then withhold from their moms for fear of being judged . It 's a cycle . We 're not allowing ourselves to be real , whole women together . Oprah.com : 14 really good sex questions . Q : What are we missing out on ? We lose our moms as advisers , for one . Intimate relationships are bafflingly complex , and when things go wrong , many women consider themselves failures . But if they could talk about it , they might be able to move past that shame . Q : What were your survey respondents hoping to learn about their moms ? Many were hoping that certain aspects of their mothers ' personalities might be illuminated . They said things like `` I think she must have been abused '' and `` I have to assume she was sexually unhappy with my father . '' They wanted to get to know their mothers better as women , because we look to our moms as guides . We study them all the time as we grapple with our own identity . Oprah.com : What is your daughter thinking ? Q : Any advice on approaching Mom ? Make sure you consider the risks first , because you may learn things that you 're not prepared to know . If you feel ready , try looking for conversation starters in your everyday life -- like a movie that touched on sexual relationships or a friend who is going through a divorce . I find that mothers are often happy to talk once their daughters give them an opening . Oprah.com : The `` Eew '' factor . Q : How did you start talking about sex with your own daughter ? When she was little , I made sure she knew the correct names of her body parts . I did n't know what a vulva was till I was , like , 30 . Q : Now that she 's a teenager , has it become more difficult ? She comes to me with questions , but there are definitely topics I have to broach . Before she started high school , I said , `` We 're going to have a conversation about oral sex . '' And she said , `` I 'm going to jump out of this car . '' But I made the conversation happen . It 's my responsibility to teach her . Now we do n't have to talk about it again -- unless she wants to . Oprah.com : Adventures in sex education . Unspoken Questions . McFadden asked the women in her survey what they most wanted to know about their moms . This is what some of them wrote : . • If she 's ever loved anyone as much as she loves my dad . • Why she stayed with my father . • Why she never told us that she married my dad after my older brother was born . • Why did she allow Grandma to push her into a marriage she was n't sure was right ? • I want to know about her desire for sex . • Why she never had an affair after my father became ill. • Why does n't she get help for her marriage ? Oprah.com : More ways to talk to your daughter about sex . Subscribe to O , The Oprah Magazine for up to 75 % off the newsstand price . That 's like getting 18 issues FREE . Subscribe now ! TM & © 2010 Harpo Productions , Inc. All Rights Reserved .
Joyce McFadden asked women what they want to know about their moms but wo n't ask . Comment: McFadden : We study our mothers all the time as we grapple with our own identity . One risk : You may learn things that you 're not prepared to know .