“It’s important to have a leader to monitor and validate,” said Ms. Moscowitz, who leads several support groups for Mass General employees and for community members. Besides, “there’s nothing like a real person to hug you.” On other fronts, we’re seeing more efforts to provide convivial social and cultural events for both people with dementia and their caregivers: Memory Cafes, museum programs, choruses. The Dementia Friendly America campaign aims to make whole communities — including police forces, churches, restaurants and hair salons — more knowledgeable and accommodating. Individuals can also play a role. It’s too easy to let caregiving friends slip off our radar with a general call-if-you-need-anything. “Don’t put the pressure on the caregiver to tell you what to do,” Ms. Moscowitz said. She suggests asking what would be helpful, making a list of specific tasks and parceling out assignments. “Don’t invite me for lunch — you know I can’t go,” Ms. Sherman-Lewis said. “Just bring a pizza and a bottle of wine and come by.” Though tangible help counts — and let’s acknowledge that an aging country can’t rely solely on families, friends and volunteers to provide everything dependent elders need, however well supported they are — so do regular texts, calls or visits. They help keep caregivers from feeling invisible and forgotten. Counselors in the NYU program once had the friendly inspiration, since they kept caregivers’ information in their database, to send clients a card on their birthdays. It sounds sweet, if trivial. But often, Dr. Mittelman said, “they’d call up, so grateful, and say, ‘You’re the only one who remembered.’”
For years, Gene Lewis went to a beauty salon in St. Joseph, Mo., every few weeks for a haircut and highlights. It had become something of an ordeal to prepare her husband, Marcy Sherman-Lewis, for this outing; he has Alzheimer’s disease, at 79, and helping him shower and dress, insert hearing aids and climb into the car was a very slow process.