TEXT
stringlengths 1.25k
199k
| METADATA
stringlengths 54
187
| SOURCE
stringclasses 1
value |
|---|---|---|
Following a “Previously on The Big Bang Theory” section
Scene: A Soyuz Spaceship capsule.
Mission Control (in Russian): Launch step twelve reading okay.
Cosmonaut (in Russian): Launch step twelve acknowledged.
Howard: Hey Mike?
Mike Massimino: Yeah.
Howard: I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.
Mike: Good one.
Howard: Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, what channel is NASA TV?
Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.
Amy: I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?
Sheldon: Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.
Amy: The uterus quivers, does it not?
Leonard: There’s Howard’s rocket, live from Kazakhstan.
Bernadette: Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.
Raj: You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.
Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled expl*si*n right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.
Bernadette: Give me those damn Pringles.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Cosmonaut (in Russian): Are all of the systems of the ship ready?
Mission Control: Da.
Mike: Okay, we’re in the final countdown. How you doing over there?
Howard: Good! Good! Oh, quick question, I missed it in the briefing. How much urine do these suits hold?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Mike: Hey, Froot Loops, want to h*t your fan switch?
Howard: Check.
Cosmonaut: He calls you Froot Loops because of your very gay haircut?
Howard: No, it’s ’cause I live with my mom and she makes me Froot Loops.
Cosmonaut: Go with gay story, people are more accepting of that.
Mike: Actually, Froot Loops just got married to a girl.
Cosmonaut: Congratulations.
Howard: Thanks, we decided to do it before the launch.
Cosmonaut: You and Mrs. Loops have a big wedding?
Howard: Not exactly. Listen, if you don’t mind, I’m not really up for chatting. I’m just going to sit here quietly and let my life flash before my eyes. That went really quick. Let me try it again.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: Close your eyes. Put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. I’m not falling for that again.
Howard: No, here.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie. A little star, it’s beautiful. Put it on me.
Howard: Okay, but I’m going to have to get it back from you so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette: Oh, my God.
Howard: Take that, every guy who’s ever bought you anything.
Bernadette: This is the most amazing gift I’ve ever gotten.
Howard: Really? Well, if you like it that much, then close your eyes and put out your hand.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): ‘m going to the supermarket to buy snacks for your trip. Do you want me to get those little boxes of Froot Loops you like?
Howard: No! When I eat Froot Loops, the other astronauts make fun of me!
Bernadette: Howard, I don’t want to wait until you’re back to get married.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I want to be married to you before you get in that rocket.
Howard: But I’m leaving in two days.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What about Apple Jacks?
Howard: I don’t need to take cereal.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of breakfast do you think they’re going to give you in Russia?
Howard: They invented blintzes. I’ll be fine.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): They invented the lightbulb in New Jersey. It doesn’t mean they hand them out to you when you go.
Bernadette: We’ll have a quick little ceremony with just our friends, and we’ll still have the big reception with everyone when you get back.
Howard: Wow. Okay. Let’s get married.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know what, I’ll buy you All-Bran in case you get stopped up in outer space.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So anyway, we decided to go down to City Hall this afternoon get married, and then have the reception when Howard gets back.
Leonard: That’s so great. (Others also make encouraging sounds)
Howard: I mean, we know it’s short notice, but we’d love you all to come with us.
Amy: No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight.
Bernadette: That wasn’t going to be our processional music.
Amy: Well, it was going to be mine.
Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, it’ll be fun.
Sheldon: That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.
Bernadette: So, what do you say, Amy?
Amy: Can I wear my maid of honour dress?
Bernadette: Seriously? You’re going to wear that thing to City Hall?
Amy: It’s all I have left. You’re going to take that from me, too?
Scene: City Hall.
Penny: Amy, you look great.
Amy: I know.
Leonard: Where’d you get a beer?
Raj: From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.
Amy: Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?
Sheldon: It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?
Howard: You proposed to Penny?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Raj: Where did he pop the question? What did you say?
Leonard: She said no, can we drop it now?
Penny: It wasn’t a real proposal.
Bernadette: Why wasn’t it a real proposal?
Sheldon: He asked her during coitus.
Howard: Did you get down on one knee or were you already there?
Bernadette: Howard, don’t talk like that on your wedding day.
Howard: I’m sorry, Ma… Bernadette. Ma… Burna… You’re ma Bernadette.
Penny: Good move telling Sheldon.
Leonard: What, I can’t propose? I can’t talk to my friends? Is there anything else I’m not allowed to do?
Amy: All right, that’s enough. Today is not about you two. Today is about Howard and Bernadette and me.
Registrar: Folks, can I have your attention. It’s five o’clock, we’re going to be able to take three more couples. The rest of you will have to come back on Monday.
Bernadette: Oh, no.
Howard: I got this. Excuse me, but is there any way you could squeeze us in? See, I’m an astronaut and I’m leaving for Russia on Sunday so I can take a Soyuz rocket to the International Space Station.
Registrar: Yeah, me, too. I’ll see you there.
Bernadette: I can’t believe we’re not going to get married.
Amy: Excuse me, I’m going to go see if the couple at the front of the line needs a maid of honour.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Cosmonaut: So, I tell my wife, get a dog, don’t get a dog, I’m not walking it, I’m not feeding it, I’m not picking up after it.
Mike: You know you’re going to wind up walking it.
Cosmonaut: I know.
Howard: Uh, shouldn’t you guys be talking about space stuff instead of dogs?
Mike: Dimitri, Froot Loops would be more comfortable if we talked about space stuff.
Dimitri: Okay, I’m going into space, and when I come back, I have to pick up a poodle crap.
Mike: Is that better?
Howard: Thanks.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory bar.
Howard: You know, we could always drive to Vegas and get married.
Bernadette: No, isn’t that kind of tacky?
Penny: Hey, I know tons of people who got married in Vegas.
Bernadette: Are any of them still married?
Penny: Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…
Bernadette: There’s got to be some place special we could do it.
Sheldon: Leonard, where did you envision marrying Penny?
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Raj: Well, I know how to make it special.
Howard: I told you we are not recreating the wedding from The Sound of Music.
Raj: Yes, you made that brutally clear to me. What I was going to suggest is if that you’re willing to wait until Sunday morning, the Google satellite will be over Pasadena. You can have a wedding photograph from space.
All: Oh!
Leonard: That’s so cool.
Howard: Oh, wait to go, Raj.
Raj: I keep telling you, if I wasn’t an astrophysicist, I would have been a party planner. It was always a coin flip.
Howard: Okay, so we know we’re going to do it Sunday morning. Now we need to find a good place for the satellite to see us.
Leonard: How about our roof?
Bernadette: Oh, I like that.
Howard: That’s great.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe my maid of honour dress is going to be on Google Earth.
Howard: So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony.
Penny: Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Bernadette: Great, well, who’s it going to be?
Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette: No.
Sheldon: What do you see in her?
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Dimitri (in Russian): Mission Control, say again, how fast is it leaking?
Howard: Leaking? What’s leaking?
Dimitri: Fuel. Shh.
Mission Control (in Russian): Not bad. We feel okay to go.
Dimitri (in Russian): Okay, thanks Mission Control.
Howard: There’s fuel leaking and we’re still going to go?
Mike: Don’t lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.
Dimitri: This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.
Howard: What happens on the tenth time?
Dimitri: Problem.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present.
Raj: Oh, thanks, man.
Sheldon: You didn’t have to do that.
Howard: Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to k*ll a man.
Leonard: I doubt he’ll ask you to k*ll a man.
Sheldon: Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.
Scene: Penny’s door. Howard knocks.
Amy: Who is it?
Howard: It’s the groom.
Amy: Can’t come in. Bad luck to see the bride.
Howard: Okay, uh, fine. Bernie, I have to go pick up my mother. I’ll be right back.
Bernadette (off): Why can’t she drive herself?
Howard: She doesn’t want to sit in her dress and wrinkle it so I’m going to lay her down in the back of my neighbour’s van.
Bernadette (off): All right, just hurry!
Howard: Okay, I’ll see you later, Ma… uh… lovely bride-to-be. I really got to watch that.
Scene: The roof.
Leonard: Come on, Raj, we’re ready to start.
Raj: What, we’re ready when I say we’re ready. Uh-du-du-du, ooh, okay, now we’re ready.
Howard: Ma, you want to move your chair over here so you can see?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m fine where I am. I don’t want to fall off the roof.
Howard: You’ll fall through the roof before you fall off it.
Raj: Penny. (She starts music playing)
Mr Rostenkowski: Your new mother-in-law’s a piece of work.
Bernadette: Not now, Dad.
Mr Rostenkowski: She’s got a bigger mustache than me. Here you go.
Bernadette: Here you go? What am I, a football?
Mr Rostenkowski: Like that guy could catch a football.
Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Louder!
Bernadette: They all got ordained, they’re all marrying us, it’s adorable, if you want to hear come closer.
Raj: Guys, when I look at the two of you starting your lives together, it fills my heart, It fills my, heart, okay, I’m going to need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I’ll, I’ll go. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love, it doesn’t matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: Hey, I didn’t say it.
Amy: All right, that’s enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got b*rned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. (Begins speaking in Klingon)
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows?
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you, this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Speak up!
Howard: Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.
All: By the power vested in us, by the state of California…
Sheldon: And the Klingon High Council…
All: We now pronounce you husband and wife.
Scene: Soyuz capsule.
Mike: That’s ignition. I love this part.
Dimitri: Me, too.
Howard: I have strongly mixed feelings.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s happening.
Penny: Did I miss it?
Leonard: No, come on in. Hurry.
Bernadette: I love that man.
Raj: Me, too.
Penny: I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
Leonard: This is it.
Sheldon: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
(Russian countdown ends, rocket takes off)
Howard (voice off): Oy vay! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x24 - The Countdown Reflection"} | foreverdreaming |
Following a “Previously on The Big Bang Theory” section
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Stuart: So, Howard’s really in space, huh?
Leonard: Mm-hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.
Raj: Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon: I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.
Leonard: You know, it’s not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other’s recycled urine.
Stuart: Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me.
Raj: I wonder what he’s doing right this very second.
Leonard: Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.
Raj: Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.
Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
Scene: The International Space Station.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Can you hear me?
Howard: I can hear you without the phone,
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t be snippy. I’m just excited to talk to my baby.
Howard: I’m excited to talk to you, too.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what’s this mishegas about you moving out to go live with the little Polish girl?
Howard: How about calling her my wife?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Wives don’t take boys from their mothers.
Howard: They do. That’s why we marry them.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I just hope I’m not d*ad from a broken heart before you get back.
Howard: Ma, please. Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Good. They should know what a horrible son you are.
Howard: Okay, Ma, great talking to you. Gotta go. Well, space is ruined.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is bleaching Amy’s upper lip.
Amy: This is so exciting. Soon, my upper lip will be the same fake blonde as my beautiful best friend.
Penny: Hey, this is my natural hair colour. Now. So, does Sheldon have anything special planned for you tomorrow night?
Amy: Oh, yes. According to the Relationship Agreement, on the anniversary of our first date, he must take me to a nice dinner, ask about my day and engage in casual physical contact that a disinterested onlooker might mistake for intimacy.
Penny: That’s hot. You kids better use protection.
Amy: How long does this stay on?
Penny: Just a couple of minutes. You’ve really never done this before?
Amy: Once in high school, but I dozed off and woke up with second-degree chemical burns on my face.
Penny: Oh, my gosh, that’s awful. The other kids make fun of you?
Amy: No, I had a cover story, I told everyone it was herpes. So, how’s everything going with you and Leonard?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know, it’s still kind of weird. We haven’t really recovered since he proposed to me in the middle of sex.
Amy: Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Leonard: Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought…
Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.
Leonard: I know what the anthropic principle is.
Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?
Leonard: Where do you stand on it?
Sheldon: Strongly pro.
Leonard: Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?
Raj: I’m all for it.
Sheldon: Attaboy!
Leonard: Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?
Raj: Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the d*ad skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round.
Leonard: Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny.
Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?
Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.
Raj: Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.
Sheldon: Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us.
Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette (on webcam): Howie? Howie?
Howard: Hey, there’s my beautiful bride. Can you see me?
Bernadette: I can. How are you?
Howard: I’m amazing. I mean, this is even better than I dreamed. I look out the window, and it’s all so unbelievable.
Bernadette: Good for you. I just had a seemingly endless dinner with your mom.
Howard: Oh, yeah? That’s nice.
Bernadette: It was. Until I found out you never told her we’re not gonna live with her. Let’s talk about that for a minute.
Howard: Hey, look, this pen is floating. How crazy is that?
Bernadette: You said you told her, but you never did!
Howard: Okay, okay, I know you’re upset, but let me share something I’ve learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you’re looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that’s got to make you feel better.
Bernadette: How clear is the image of me on that screen?
Howard: Pretty clear.
Bernadette: Do I look like I feel better?
Howard: I mean, it’s not, like, HD quality.
Bernadette: Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.
Dimitri: Like he’s been doing since he got here.
Scene: A restaurant.
Amy: Sheldon, this place is so romantic.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.
Amy: Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you.
Sheldon: Tell him yourself.
Raj: Yoo-hoo! Over here!
Amy: I don’t understand. What’s he doing here?
Sheldon: I invited him.
Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that’s not okay.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. There’s a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.
Amy: You found a loophole?
Raj: Sorry I started without you. I’m a little nervous. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.
Amy: I can’t believe I bleached my moustache for this.
Raj: You should go to my girl. She’ll knock out those sideburns for free.
Later.
Raj: You know, Amy, I don’t even think you and I have had a real conversation. Let’s use tonight to get to know each other a little better. You start.
Amy: Go home.
Raj: I don’t understand.
Amy: Sheldon, how could you do this? It’s our second anniversary.
Raj: It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.
Amy: Thank you.
Raj: My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?
Sheldon: Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is great. What’s the occasion?
Leonard: No occasion. You know, things have been a little weird between us, so I wanted to throw together a fun night just for you.
Penny: That is so sweet.
Leonard: I got all your favourites. Beer, wings, sliders. We can watch the football game. I even painted my stomach.
Penny: Go Sports?
Leonard: Well, in case you were in the mood for baseball, I didn’t want to look ridiculous.
Penny: This is awesome. I love it!
Leonard: Good, I’m glad.
Penny: Gosh, I worked my ass off today. This is exactly what I needed.
Leonard: Great. Just relax and enjoy. Tonight is all about you.
Penny: Ah, thank you!
Leonard: So, where exactly are we in this relationship?
Penny: Oh, come on. I just told you I had a hard day.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s watch the game.
Penny: Great.
Leonard: I just know the longer we wait to talk about it, the weirder it gets.
Penny: Sweetie, can I just be the girl tonight?
Leonard: Absolutely. You’re the girl, I’m the guy. Now, you watch your football game while I make you a little plate here.
Penny: Thank you. (Knock on door)
Leonard: Oh, I’ll get it. Go sports.
Raj: Hello-lo-lo.
Leonard: What are you doing here? I thought you were out with Sheldon and Amy.
Raj: I was, but it’s their anniversary and I didn’t want to be a third wheel, so I figured I’d come over here and hang out with you and Penny on your date.
Leonard: Well, it’s not really a great time. Penny and I have some things we need to talk about.
Penny: No, we don’t! Come on in!
Raj: Sweet!
Leonard: I can’t believe I shaved my stomach for this.
Scene: The International Space Station
Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops. You got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she’s your mother but sounds like your father.
Howard: Hey, Ma. You know, we could see each other if you turn on the computer.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m not going near that fakakta thing. I’ll catch a computer virus.
Howard: You can’t catch a computer virus.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, so now you’re an astronaut and a doctor?
Howard: What do you want, Ma?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Your wife says you have something important to tell me.
Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette and I are starting a life together and…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, God! You are gonna leave me.
Howard: Ma…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s okay. Your father left me, you left me, I guess I’m just the kind of person people like to leave.
Howard: It’s not definite. I’ll talk to Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t bother. I’ll just go sit in a hole in the ground so I’m no trouble when I die.
Howard: Stop it, Ma. I’m sure I can get Bernie to come around.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I knew it. I knew she was behind this. You listen to me, if you want to be a man you can’t let a woman tell you what to do.
Howard: Okay, okay.
Dimitri: Oy. I can’t believe these people won the Cold w*r.
Howard: Now, can we please change the subject?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine. Explain why you’ve been gone so long and I haven’t gotten a single letter. Not even a lousy postcard.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Penny: Yeah, it’s fun, isn’t it?
Raj: Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
Penny: All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Leonard: I’m good.
Raj: No, thank you.
Penny: Girls.
Raj: Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Leonard: That’s great. Get out.
Raj: What? Why?
Leonard: Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Raj: Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you h*t some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Penny: Okay, hold on…
Raj: Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveller from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Leonard: Some people might say it was romantic.
Raj: Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: That’s enough.
Raj: I’m just saying that after everything you’ve been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful.
Leonard: Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Raj: Oh, Penny. That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Penny: Raj.
Raj: Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
Scene: The hallway. Raj is ejected from the apartment.
Raj: I really thought she would say it.
Scene: The restaurant.
Amy: Have I ever told you you’re like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.
Amy: You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
Sheldon: Your point being?
Amy: Dessert is served.
Sheldon: I just had cobbler.
Amy: You know what? I’m done with this.
Sheldon: W-Where are you going?
Amy: I’m leaving.
Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.
Amy: You do?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I’ll take it.
Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we’re splitting the cheque?
Scene: The Comic Book Store.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey. I was actually just about to close up.
Raj: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll leave.
Stuart: No, no. It’s okay. Hang out.
Raj: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, you’re my first customer today.
Raj: All right. Great.
Stuart: I’m, uh, having a nightcap. You want to join me?
Raj: What are you drinking?
Stuart: Coffee liqueur in a Chewbacca mug. I call it a sad-tini.
Raj: Perfect for the night I’m having. Thank you.
Stuart: Hmm. Nice not to drink alone.
Raj: Amen to that. Sometimes I pour a little chardonnay into my dog’s water bowl.
Stuart: You’re kidding.
Raj: She’s kind of a mean drunk, but what are you gonna do?
Stuart: Cheers.
Raj: Cheers.
Stuart: A little music?
Raj: Sure. Mmm. Bossa nova. You listen to that with your hips as well as your ears.
Stuart: Mmm.
Raj: Oh. Something about latin music just makes me feel like I’m on a white sand beach in Rio.
Stuart: Yeah. The sun, the waves, the beautiful bodies, tanned and glistening with sweat.
Raj: I should go.
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: Uh, thank you for the drink.
Stuart: No problem.
Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I-I’d like to, but I’m a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I’ll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
Stuart: I could do worse.
Scene: The International Space Station
Bernadette: Aw, that’s such good news, Howie. Thank you for telling her.
Howard: Hey, I’m a grown man. I’m gonna live with my wife. My mother’s just gonna have to learn to make do on her own.
Bernadette: Was she upset?
Howard: Who can tell? She yells everything. She might have been upset. She might have been hungry.
Bernadette: Thanks for fixing it. I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. Sweet dreams. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?
Bernadette: Good night, Rocket Man.
Howard: To infinity and beyond, baby.
Dimitri: Loops. You realize you just lied your ass off to your wife and your mother.
Howard: I know.
Dimitri: What are you gonna do when you get back to Earth?
Howard: Oh, I’m never going back. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x01 - The Date Night Variable"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: And the next wedding gift is a gravy boat.
Penny: Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy: That’s from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette: In the event of a divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: One inappropriate, yet I wish I thought of that gravy boat.
Amy: When I get married I’m going to register at the UCLA Cadaver Lab.
Penny: Ew, why?
Amy: ‘Cause I’ve always wanted a whole human skeleton and they are really spendy.
Bernadette: So, you actually see you and Sheldon getting married someday?
Amy: Not just someday. In exactly four years. But don’t tell Sheldon. He’s still a flight risk.
Bernadette: What about you, Penny?
Penny: What about me what?
Bernadette: Do you think you and Leonard might ever get married?
Penny: Oh, well, you know, Leonard is great.
Bernadette: But do you think you’ll ever get married?
Penny: He’s a sweetie.
Amy: You’re not answering the question. Do you love him?
Penny: Yeah, sure, of course I love him.
Bernadette: It doesn’t sound like it.
Penny: Well, I do.
Bernadette: Do you tell him that?
Penny: No, he’d just take it the wrong way.
Amy: What does that mean?
Penny: It means he is special and smart and nice and…
Bernadette: Are you gonna break up with him?
Penny: No. Maybe. I don’t know.
Bernadette: I had no idea you were unhappy.
Penny: That’s the thing, I’m not. I’m not unhappy at all. It’s just, I don’t know, I, I’ve been in love before, but it felt different. But maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette: Oh, that’s not really a fair comparison. I’m basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy: Can’t help ya, kid. Whenever I’m around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on f*re. In the good way. Not the urinary tract infection way.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the apartment (the guys are on webcam).
Raj (voice off): Hey, buddy, how’s it going up there?
Howard: You don’t have to shout, Raj. It’s not like I’m an astronaut floating around in outer space. Oh, wait, I am.
Leonard: So, is it everything you hoped it would be?
Howard: It’s better. I wake up every morning and I just can’t believe I’m on this incredible adventure.
Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops, did you clean the space toilet?
Howard: Excuse me. I’m talking to my friends.
Mike: You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet.
Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.
Howard: Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.
Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.
Leonard: Go ahead.
Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)
Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.
Howard: You’re out of your mind,Sheldon.
Sheldon: That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise)
Mike: Come on, scrub it up, Loops.
Howard: All right, all right. I gotta go. There’s a meteor shower.
Mike: You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.
Howard: Bye.
Sheldon: Over and out. (Static noise)
Raj: Bye, buddy!
Stuart (knocking and entering): Hello.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, come on in.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are not in charge.
Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.
Raj: What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.
Leonard: It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?
Stuart: I can take them or leave them.
Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.
Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?
Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.
Stuart: Okay. Should we go?
Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.
Stuart: All right.
Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?
Stuart: I went to art school.
Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.
Scene: The cinema.
Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Amy: Well, I like it.
Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
Amy: Just watch the movie.
Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.
Amy: There might be a reason for that.
Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Amy: Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
Amy: It’s complicated.
Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
Amy: She’s not sure how she feels.
Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Amy: Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Amy: Yes, please, Penny will k*ll me.
Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Stuart: Raisinet?
Sheldon: Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.
Leonard: Maybe your tongue is shrinking.
Sheldon (measures): Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.
Leonard: I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.
Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I can’t tell you.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.
Leonard: I wish there were more.
Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?
Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested?
Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.
Leonard: Okay, I think I understand.
Sheldon: You do?
Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.
Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I’m having a nightmare. What do you want?
Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny’s bed, knocking on the wall.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)
Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon?
Sheldon: You frightened me.
Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
Penny: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Penny: Talk about what?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.
Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Penny: Of course not.
Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Penny: Worst bedtime story ever.
Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
Penny: Get out.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon: Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?
Penny: Get out.
Scene: Amy’s bedroom. Phone rings.
Amy: Hello?
Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps)
Amy: Hang on, please. Hello?
Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.
Amy: I know. She’s yelling at me right now.
Sheldon: All right then, so we’re all on the same page. Yes.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie.
Bernadette: There’s my hubby. How’s everything going up there?
Howard: Oh, it’s okay. Space is beautiful. Earth is beautiful. Same old, same old.
Bernadette: What’s wrong?
Howard: Nothing. Everything’s fine.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: The other astronauts are being mean to me.
Bernadette: No, what are they doing?
Howard: Well, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: You can see it if you want. It’s on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes.
Bernadette: Why don’t you stand up to them?
Howard: What am I supposed to say?
Bernadette: I don’t know. Say, being mean is lame, what’s cool is being nice.
Howard: Great, I’ll do that when I want to be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to call somebody at NASA?
Howard: No. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a card game.
Leonard: Gelatinous Sphere.
Raj: Focused Locust.
Stuart: Temple of Yip.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.
Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.
Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.
Raj: So, what are you guys doing later? Stuart and I were thinking of going out for a drink.
Stuart: We’re gonna try to meet some girls.
Raj: ‘Cause that’s what we do.
Stuart: Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.
Raj: In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee.
Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.
Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny.
Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.
Leonard: You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.
Stuart: No, please don’t ruin this for me.
Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?
Leonard: Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.
Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.
Leonard: What’s your point?
Sheldon: Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?
Stuart: I like Mark Ruffalo, too.
Sheldon: Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yup. I told him if he didn’t bite the hygienist, I’d take him for ice cream.
Penny: Mmm.
Leonard: I didn’t have to take him for ice cream.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You okay? You seem a little distracted.
Penny: Look, there’s something I need to tell you.
Leonard: Oh. Yeah, okay.
Penny: I don’t really know how to say this.
Leonard: Just say it.
Penny: Okay. Here goes.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Amy: You slept with him?
Penny: I didn’t know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, you had no choice.
Penny: He looked at me like this.
Amy: Well, if that’s all it takes, it’s a good thing you don’t have a dog.
Bernadette: Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of chances to break up with him. Your wedding day, your honeymoon, your 50th anniversary.
Penny: Look, it’s fine. We’re not getting married, okay? We’re keeping things, you know, homeostasis.
Amy: It’s so cute when she tries.
Penny (phone text tone): It’s from Leonard. Last night was amazing. You’re amazing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. (They give him a hangdog look) Okay, stop it.
Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie, guess what? I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you, last night was the first time in a week I got a good night’s sleep. (On screen, Howard has a mouse face drawn on his face, and the words F.LOOPS on his forehead.)
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: What’s wrong? You look upset.
Bernadette: Nope, this is my proud face. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x02 - The Decoupling Fluctuation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Howard: Hey, Bernie.
Bernadette: Hey, how’s my little astronautie hottie?
Howard: Okay, I guess. It’s just, being cooped up in this tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me.
Bernadette: Well, hang in there. You just have a couple more days to go, and then you’ll be home.
Howard: I know.
Bernadette: I got to get back to work. I love you.
Howard: Love you too. Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?
Bernadette: What do you want me to do?
Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you’re serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)
Howard: Oh, baby, you’re k*lling me.
Scene: The apartment. Penny enters, carrying a box.
Penny: Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.
Penny: M-hmm.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles.
Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?
Leonard: Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.
Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.
Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?
Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.
Penny: Really, your potty training journal?
Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.
Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?
Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.
Penny: Oh, disgusting.
Leonard: No, what’s disgusting is he’s still keeping track.
Penny: Why do you need all this stuff?
Leonard: No, no, no, no.
Penny: Sorry!
Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?
Penny: Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.
Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.
Penny: Yeah, that’s basically what I said.
Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already h*t upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.
Leonard: I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.
Penny: You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?
Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really h*t my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.
Leonard: So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?
Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.
Leonard: Not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.
Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.
Penny: Maybe I could do it.
Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.
Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?
Sheldon: You said it, not me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?
Ms Jenson: No, thanks. I’m fine.
Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.
Ms Jenson: I don’t do drugs.
Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.
Ms Jenson: No, of course not. How did you know about that?
Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.
Ms Jenson: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.
Ms Jenson: Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.
Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.
Ms Jenson: It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.
Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Welcome aboard.
Scene: A University corridor.
Leonard: You talk to Howard lately?
Raj: Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office) Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson) che-ee-ee-ese.
Leonard: Smooth. Hi.
Ms Jenson: Hello.
Leonard: Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us?
Sheldon: No. I have people for that now. You’re up.
Ms Jenson: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant.
Leonard: Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.
Alex: It’s nice to meet you. I’m so excited to be working with Dr…
Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.
Alex: I should probably get to work.
Leonard: She seems nice.
Raj: Hey, you already got a girlfriend. I call dibs.
Leonard: All I said was she seems nice.
Raj: Yeah, well, I love her.
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: Hey, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. Everything okay?
Howard: Uh, no, not really.
Bernadette: What’s wrong?
Howard: Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?
Bernadette: Uh-huh.
Howard: It’s delayed. We’re gonna be here at least another week. Maybe ten days. It’s the Russians, so you don’t know. They left dogs up here in the sixties.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. No one’s leaving you up there.
Howard: I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I can’t sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux. I’m down to my last three Tums.
Bernadette: You’re going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.
Howard: Okay, okay. What am I doing? I’m using up all the oxygen. If I die, promise you’ll never have sex with another man.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Amy is applying very red lip gloss.
Amy: Oh, yeah. I’m a man-eater now.
Penny: Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash curler. You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.
Amy: Oh, I don’t know. Looks like something used by Tinkerbell’s gynecologist.
Penny: Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook, so… who are you calling?
Amy: I’m going to video-chat Sheldon. If my new look leads to phone sex, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.
Alex: Dr. Cooper’s office.
Amy: Oh, hello. Who are you?
Alex: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s assistant. Can I help you?
Amy: I’d like to speak to Sheldon.
Alex: I’m sorry. He’s asked me to hold all calls unless you’re Stephen Hawking, his mother or himself from the future.
Amy: All right. Well, tell him Amy called.
Alex: Last name?
Amy: He knows my last name. I’m his girlfriend. We have a contract and everything. I’ll send you a PDF.
Alex: All right, I will tell him you called.
Amy: Hmm, that’s weird.
Penny: What?
Amy: Sheldon told me he had a new assistant named Alex. He didn’t mention that Alex was a girl.
Penny: Maybe he didn’t notice.
Amy: You’re right. I don’t have to worry about Sheldon.
Penny: No, you do not.
Amy: It’s her I have to worry about.
Penny: Oh, Amy, really? She is not going to come on to Sheldon.
Amy: Oh, really? Look at this face (Sheldon’s picture on phone) How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, at some point, that face starts talking.
Scene: University corridor.
Penny: Amy, this is crazy. You have nothing to be suspicious about.
Amy: I’m not suspicious. I just want to stop in, say hi to my boyfriend and meet his new assistant. (Throwing open Sheldon’s office door) Aha!
Penny: Can we go now?
Amy: Hang on. (Rubs Sheldon’s telephone receiver under her armpit)
Penny: What are you doing?
Amy: Isn’t it obvious? I’m spreading my scent to mark my territory.
Penny: Come on, Amy. That is not gonna work.
Amy: Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
Raj: I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Alex: Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This should be fun.
Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Alex: Yes.
Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.
Sheldon: Two cherries?
Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.
Sheldon: Stems removed?
Alex: Um, top one, yes. I didn’t check the one on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh!
Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
Leonard: Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?
Alex: Um…
Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?
Leonard: Given her what?
Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Please join us.
Alex: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Leonard: So, Alex, what’s the topic of your dissertation?
Alex: I’m looking for Trojan asteroids at Earth’s L-Five Lagrange point.
Leonard: Oh, that happens to be Dr. Koothrappali’s field of expertise. You two have a lot to talk about.
Alex: Is that true? Is he all right?
Leonard: No. But compared to your boss, he’s the poster boy for sanity.
Alex: It’s okay, I’ve been around scientists all my life. My dad’s an astronomer at SETI.
Leonard: Oh, SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.
Alex: So, what kind of research are you doing?
Leonard: High-energy lasers.
Alex: Ooh. Military?
Leonard: Not yet, but I can remove unwanted hair from two miles away.
Amy (to Penny, on other side of room): You were right. I had nothing to worry about. That skank’s your problem, not mine.
Alex: You’re very funny, Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon (choking): Cherry stem! Cherry stem!
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?
Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don’t have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you’ll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I’ll leave the door unlocked.
Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you’re having a little anxiety.
Howard: No, no, I’m fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon ’cause froggy wants to come home.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Amy: Look at you, putting on a brave face.
Penny: There’s nothing to be brave about. Everything’s fine.
Amy: Really? I don’t know how much you know about primate behaviour, but Sheldon’s assistant was clearly courting Leonard. Were she a mandrill, she would have bent over and displayed her brightly coloured hindquarters like a big red welcome mat. By the way, you try that at the junior prom, you get kicked out.
Penny: Okay, maybe she was flirting with him, but who cares? Look, I don’t even know where my relationship is with Leonard is right now.
Amy: So says your prefrontal cortex. But meanwhile, the limbic system of your brain is calculating that if another woman is attracted to Leonard, it must be because he’s desirable.
Penny: Well, of course he’s desirable. I mean, he’s great. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and, ooh, in the bedroom, whew, let me tell you, he really tries.
Amy: So it does bother you.
Penny: Fine, it bothers me a little. No. You know what? This is stupid. It doesn’t bother me. Okay, it bothers me. But only because she wouldn’t stop laughing. Leonard is not that funny.
Amy: And there you have it, prefrontal cortex reasoning versus limbic lust. If this were a boxing match, they might call it the thrilla adjacent to the amygdala. If you were a brain scientist, you would be busting a gut right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, how was work today?
Leonard: Ah, it was all right, I guess. Got to Heimlich a cherry stem out of Sheldon. Caught Raj right in the eye.
Penny: Oh! You’re kidding.
Leonard: No, Raj had to go to the nurse.
Penny: Wow. Anything else?
Leonard: Mmm, the nurse is a woman, so he couldn’t talk to her. She had to bring him a Grover puppet so he could point at what hurt.
Penny: Oh, is that it?
Leonard: Isn’t that enough? It had the w*apon fruit and a puppet. What more do you want?
Sheldon (arriving with Alex): Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
Leonard: What do you got?
Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
Sheldon: The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Alex: Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Penny: Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex: Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
Penny: In a way. We’ve kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Alex: Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Penny: Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Alex: She seems nice.
Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station
Bernadette: Hey, Howie, how you feeling?
Howard: Better. Much better. The other astronauts held me down, gave me a sh*t. Oooh. Attention, people of Earth. Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.
Bernadette: Howie, stop that. NASA’s watching this! Put your pants back on!
Howard: Whee! Whee! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x03 - The Higgs Boson Observation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Apartment.
Raj: Howard’s capsule should be re-entering the atmosphere any minute.
Leonard: It’ll be good to have him back.
Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited.
Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.
Raj: We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.
Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.
Leonard: I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.
Stuart: I can go thirty.
Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.
Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard’s final descent has g*n.
Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.
Scene: The Soyuz Capsule. Howard is screaming.
Dimitri: Loops, calm down!
Howard (singing): Baruch atah, Adonai, Eloheinu. Melech haolam, hamotzi. Lechem min haaretz
Mike: What’s that?
Howard: The Jewish prayer for eating bread! We don’t have one for falling out of space! We did it! We’re on the ground! We survived!
Mike: That was just the parachute. We still have another six miles to go. (Howard screams again)
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Airport Arrivals Hall.
Bernadette: Waiting for my husband.
Man in Suit: That’s nice.
Bernadette: He’s coming back from outer space.
Man in Suit: I think this flight’s coming from Houston.
Bernadette: No, I mean, he… Never mind. There he is! Howie!
Various others (all at once): Howie! Howie!
Howard: Whoa, thank you. Great to be back on Earth.
Howie Mandel: Uh, I think they’re here for me, Ringo.
Man in Suit: Mr. Mandel, I’m your driver.
Howie Mandel: Oh, thanks. That nut job was telling everybody on the plane he’s an astronaut.
Bernadette: I missed you so much.
Howard: I missed you, too. Where are the guys?
Bernadette: Oh, it’s just me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. They’re waiting back home with a big surprise party. Don’t worry, I can act surprised. (Does)
Bernadette: No, I told them they could have you tomorrow night. Tonight, you belong to me. (Sneezes)
Howard: Gesundheit. You okay?
Bernadette: I am now that you’re back. Come on, let’s go home so I can tear off those little pants.
Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.
Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.
Penny: You’re unbelievable.
Sheldon: I know.
Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?
Penny: How about boys versus girls?
Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.
Penny: Once again, unbelievable.
Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.
Penny: All right, round one. Here.
Sheldon: Got it.
Penny: Okay. Ready, set, go.
Amy: Uh, box? Uh, window?
Leonard: Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman.
Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present!
Penny: Present! Yeah!
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?
Leonard: In what universe is that a present?
Sheldon: It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.
Penny: Oh, my God, we’re gonna k*ll them.
Later
Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.
Leonard: Nothing with quarks.
Sheldon: It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.
Leonard: No.
Penny: It’s a chocolate chip cookie.
Amy: Yes.
Leonard: How could you miss that?
Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.
Leonard: Penny got it.
Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.
Later
Leonard: Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog.
Amy: Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?
Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun.
Sheldon: There.
Leonard: A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t…
Amy: Now?
Penny: Soon.
Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you.
Leonard: I don’t know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost?
Penny: All right, that’s enough. (Draws)
Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?
Penny: Yep!
Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie k*lling herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.
Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P.
Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s Bedroom.
Howard: Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette (off): Yeah, I’ll be right there. (Hacking and coughing noises)
Howard: Did you get a sea lion while I was gone?
Bernadette: It’s just allergies.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Took some Benadryl. I’ll be fine. So, did you miss me?
Howard: Oh. Are you kidding? Every minute of every…
Bernadette (has a coughing fit): Ew. Excuse me.
Howard: Sweetie, we don’t have to do this now.
Bernadette: Yes, we do. You left right after we got married. This is like our honeymoon. Now, hold on to your hat. Oh. Uh-oh.
Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: A little dizzy. Must be the Benadryl. Switch places with me.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Now, kiss me. (He does. She starts snoring)
Howard: Bernadette? Bernie? Bernie?
Bernadette (waking suddenly): That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again)
Howard: Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?
Sheldon: Don’t know.
Penny: I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.
Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.
Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.
Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.
Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will b*at you at anything.
Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.
Penny: Oh, come on, what is that?
Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?
Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares.
Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.
Penny: No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game.
Sheldon: All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
Leonard: Just pick another game.
Amy: Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?
Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn’t float.
Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.
Amy: All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts?
Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s when it started.
Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.
Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…
Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Uh-uh.
Penny: I don’t think so.
Amy: Are you sure? I mean, the nose doesn’t light up, but if the corpse is fresh enough, sometimes you can get the leg to jerk.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s House.
Howard: Hey, Ma, twinkle, twinkle, your little star is home. Ma, the chain’s on the door.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard? I thought I wasn’t going to see you till tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernie’s not feeling well, so I thought I’d stop by, tell you about the greatest adventure of my life, see if you can make me feel bad about it.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, uh, okay, hold on, I’m not decent.
Howard: All right. Woman hasn’t tied her robe in 20 years. Suddenly she’s not decent?
Man’s Voice (off): You want me to hide in the closet or go out the back?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Shh, you need to whisper.
Howard: Ma, who is in there?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, nobody. The TV is on.
Man’s Voice (off): I only got one sock. Where’s my other sock?
Howard: Who is that?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I told you, it’s the TV. Jay Leno lost a sock, it’s hilarious.
Howard: If you’re busy, I can come back.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Just give me a second. Go, go, go, go.
Howard (to man climbing out window): Dr. Schneider?
Dr Schneider: Oh, hello, Howard.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Dr Schneider: Um, house call.
Howard: You’re a dentist.
Dr Schneider: Yes, yes, I am. I think he’s on to us.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.
Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.
Leonard: I’m trying. Don’t yell at me.
Sheldon: For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.
Leonard: I know what he looks like.
Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him.
Penny: Yes, we win again.
Sheldon: How could you not find him?
Leonard: Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo.
Later. Penny and Sheldon have their foreheads on light sabres and are spinning.
Leonard: 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute.
Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go.
Leonard: Remember, show your work.
Sheldon: I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m not okay.
Leonard: Get up, we can’t lose at math.
Penny: 37.
Amy: Yes.
Later
Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.
Penny: Mwah!
Sheldon: Stop that.
Penny: Mwah!
Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: One to beam aboard?
Raj: Oh, my God, you’re back. Oh, look at you. You, you look like you grew.
Howard: Yeah. The lack of gravity did decompress my spine, so I’m like an inch and a half taller. I’m going to the DMV tomorrow to get my license changed before I shrink back.
Raj: Oh, uh, come in, come in. Oh, I, uh, I didn’t think I was going to get to see you until tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernadette’s a little under the weather and my mom’s kind of under my dentist.
Raj: Wait, your, your mother is sleeping with your dentist?
Howard: Former dentist. I need a new one now that I know where his hands have been.
Raj: So you’re wandering all around by yourself? That’s not the kind of hero’s welcome an astronaut should come home to.
Howard: It’s okay, you know, we space cowboys don’t do what we do for glory and fame. We leave that to your rock stars and your athletes and your Howie Mandels.
Stuart: Oh, hey, man, welcome back.
Howard: Oh, Stuart, thanks. What are you doing here?
Stuart: I, I kind of live here now.
Raj: Just until he gets back on his feet, which are looking pretty good in the boots I bought him for his birthday.
Stuart: Ah, he’s spoiling me and I love it.
Howard: Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Raj: Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time.
Stuart: Plus, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have a girlfriend.
Raj: It’s like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other’s holes.
Stuart: Uh, that sounds a little funny to an American ear.
Raj: Which part?
Stuart: Just all of it.
Howard: Okay, so what do you guys got going on tonight?
Stuart: Raj is taking me to the Sound of Music sing-along.
Howard: Sound of Music sing-along? That used to be our thing, but that’s cool.
Raj: Oh, Howard, it’s still our thing. Come with us, we’ll, we’ll get you a scalped ticket.
Howard: So I’d be sitting by myself?
Raj: We’ll switch. You’ll come sit with me after intermission.
Stuart: So I, I, I’d be sitting by myself during Edelweiss?
Howard: No, no, you guys go. Have fun.
Raj: Okay, uh, will I get to see you tomorrow?
Howard: Absolutely. See you, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah. Is he taller?
Howard: At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
Amy: On the count of three. One, two…
Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard: Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.
Sheldon: That’s rude.
Amy: One, two, three, eat.
Howard: Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.
All: Not now!
Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose!
Leonard: Snort it down and keep eating!
Scene: A diner.
Waitress: You look familiar.
Howard: I don’t think so.
Waitress: Yeah, I just saw you on the news. You’re an astronaut.
Howard: Yes. Yes, I am.
Waitress: Good for you. How about a piece of cheesecake on the house?
Howard: Oh, thank you so much. I’ve been having the worst night. I just got back, and my friends don’t care, my wife’s sick, I went to my mom…
Waitress: You want the cheesecake or not?
Howard: Yes, please. (Sings) And I think it’s gonna be long, long time till touchdown brings me ’round again to find I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh, no, oh, no, I’m a rocket man. (Sneezes) Perfect. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x04 - The Re-Entry Minimisation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Comic Book Store
Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
Stuart: Well, Howard, that’s very nice of you.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first.
Howard: It’s my official NASA portrait.
Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”
Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
Howard: That’s not true. At the Walgreens I was over the moon for their store-brand antacids.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you’re getting ready for your Halloween party.
Stuart: Yeah, it’s my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time’s the charm.
Raj: Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quois when it comes to soirees.
Stuart: Thanks, but I can’t afford je ne sais quois. How much for just quois?
Raj: You know, you don’t worry about money. I’ll take care of everything.
Stuart: Really?
Raj: Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party.
Howard: But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one p*rn channel.
Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?
Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.
Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?
Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.
Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Oh, well.
Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar
Amy: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?
Penny: I hope so.
Amy: Question. Do you think your husband’s fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin?
Penny: It’s not getting any better. (Text tone) Ugh. It’s Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.
Bernadette: I thought you liked Halloween.
Penny: I do, it’s just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy.
Bernadette: Like my husband?
Amy: And my boyfriend?
Penny: I’m, I’m sorry, Amy. You were saying something about Howard’s foreskin?
Bernadette: Nice try, but you have to go to that party because we’re going.
Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna go. It’s just not my idea of a good time.
Bernadette: Leonard does thing he doesn’t like to make you happy.
Penny: Well, yeah, he’s my boyfriend. Isn’t that, like, his job?
Amy: Then what’s your job?
Penny: Letting him make me happy.
Bernadette: I just think in relationships you get back what you put into them.
Amy: That’s not always true. Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look, and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.
Penny: I guess I could probably try a little harder.
Bernadette: You could start by taking an interest in his work.
Penny: Yeah, that’s kind of a problem.
Amy: Why?
Penny: Not really clear on what he does.
Bernadette: He’s an experimental physicist.
Penny: Yeah, I’m not really clear on what that means.
Amy: He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.
Penny: Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?
Amy: I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.
Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.
Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.
Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.
Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.
Amy: Yeah?
Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.
Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.
Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.
Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?
Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Penny: Anybody home?
Leonard: Hey, what are you doing here?
Penny: I just thought I’d stop by and say hello.
Leonard: Oh, what a nice surprise. I don’t think you’ve ever seen my lab before.
Penny: No, I know. It’s long overdue. So, what ya doing? Better not be building a robot girlfriend.
Leonard: No. Although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: Nope. Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.
Penny: Ooh! What’s going on in here?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, don’t look in there.
Penny: What, is it secret?
Leonard: No, it’s a nitrogen laser. It’ll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg.
Penny: Oh. You might want to put a sign on it.
Leonard: Sign right there.
Penny: Ah. Danger. Sure, sure. Yeah. What’s, what’s that?
Leonard: Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.
Penny: Wow. High-techie-techie. What’s this little box?
Leonard: That is a pencil sharpener.
Penny: Ooh, low-techie-techie. So, what are you working on right now?
Leonard: It’s actually pretty neat.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Yeah. It’s a front-projected holographic display combined with laser-based finger tracking. Here, I’ll show you. We’ll just put this pencil over here.
Penny: Sharp. Thanks to the machine we saw earlier.
Leonard: Very good. And then a laser will map the reflective surface, and voila. (A floating 3D image of the pencil appears. Leonard moves it around with his finger)
Penny: Wow. That is amazing.
Leonard: You know, there’s a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
Penny: What do you mean? (Leonard flicks a switch. The hologram changes to a view of the planet Earth). Oh! Wow!
Leonard: Uh-huh. Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really (changes view to solar system) just be information (changes view to the galaxy) on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. (Starts the galaxy spinning) So it’s possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
Leonard: You should visit more often. What are you doing?
Penny: Take off your clothes.
Leonard: What? Here? Now?
Penny: Yeah. You got a problem with that?
Leonard: No, no. It’s kind of crazy. I’ve never fooled around in the lab before.
Penny: Really? Never?
Leonard: No. I did have a sh*t with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn’t long enough.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Before I forget, I’d like your opinion on the menus I’ve prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is food that goes bump in the night.
Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.
Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.
Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?
Raj: It’s funny because bread sounds like d*ad.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.
Raj: Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it?
Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?
Leonard: Hello, boys.
Sheldon: What are you smiling at?
Leonard: Nothing.
Howard: You know where’s there’s a lot of nothing.
All: Space.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Boy, it’s nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again. Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock?
Bernadette: Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.
Howard: So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty. Preparing thrusters. We have liftoff. Are we clear to jettison that nightgown?
Bernadette: Okay, we need to talk.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I’m incredibly proud of you. But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.
Howard: I don’t talk about it every minute.
Bernadette: Tonight at dinner you went on bout it for an hour straight.
Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.
Bernadette: I’m just saying, people are getting a little tired of it.
Howard: So, I did this amazing thing and I’m never allowed to mention it?
Bernadette: Of course you can. But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.
Howard: Okay, no problem. It won’t happen again.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. I can’t tell you how many times I dreamed I was in bed here with you when I was… you know. What, I can’t even point?
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Leonard: So, basically, this is what’s called mag-lev technology. It uses very powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity. Here, you hold this.
Penny: Whoa! That’s heavy.
Leonard: Yeah. Oh, uh, you don’t have on any jewellery, do you?
Penny: No. Why?
Leonard: A grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings. Now he’s on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size. Now watch this.
Penny: Whoa! That is very cool.
Leonard: Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I’m the super villain Magneto.
Penny: Getting a little less cool, Leonard.
Leonard: But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.
Penny: There we go.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.
Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.
Raj: Do you have a preference?
Howard: I don’t care. Get the Tardis.
Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager.
Raj: Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora?
Howard: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Raj: I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones’ mocha-skinned love child. Indian Jones.
Howard: Clever.
Raj: What’s wrong with you?
Howard: Nothing.
Raj: Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.
Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.
Raj: It’s called being nice.
Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.
Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.
Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself.
Leonard: Hello, boys.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?
Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.
Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.
Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.
Sheldon: What’s a hickey?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom. Howard and Bernadette are dressed as smurfs.
Bernadette: How do I look?
Howard: Fine.
Bernadette: Uh-oh, is someone a little blue? Come on, Howie, that’s like the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life. What do you say? You ready to go?
Howard: To tell you the truth, I’m not really in the mood.
Bernadette: What are you talking about? It’ll be fun. All your friends’ll be there.
Howard: Yeah, some friends. They all think I’m boring. Maybe you should go without me.
Bernadette: No, if I’m there alone, people might think I’m just a really short person from Avatar.
Howard: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to go.
Bernadette: Hey, I just spent the last three hours colouring myself blue. I’m gonna be washing paint out of my Smurf for a month.
Howard: Fine. Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, now you’re a Smurf. Keep walking.
Scene: The comic book store.
Penny: Oh, my God, you guys look adorable.
Bernadette: Thanks, so do you. Slutty cop?
Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges.
Bernadette: And Albert Einstein?
Leonard: Ja, und later she’s going to arrest me for goink fashter zen da shpeed of light.
Penny: I thought we said in the car, no accents?
Leonard: Sorry, Officer.
Girl dressed as a Witch: Hello. It’s a great party.
Stuart: Thank you.
Witch: The monster foods, they’re really fun.
Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.
Amy: Sheldon, get in here.
Sheldon: I should’ve picked hickey.
Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys!
Amy: I’m Raggedy Ann, and he’s Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost.
Raj: Can you believe Stuart’s walking around taking credit for this party?
Howard: Who cares?
Raj: What do you mean who cares? Look at what I pulled off here. The DJ’s on f*re, there’s a Tardis photo booth in the back room, and, oh, my God, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and cheese.
Howard: You’re right, the party’s fantastic. Please, tell me more. I haven’t heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old.
Raj: Is this about the space thing again?
Howard: Well, I’m not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space! Space, space! Space! Space, space! Space!
Bernadette: Whoa, Drinky Smurf. Can I talk to you for a second?
Howard: Great, now I’m in trouble. You happy?
Bernadette: You, out! You are being very rude.
Howard: No, I’m not. They’re all being rude. And you’re being rude.
Bernadette: Me? What did I do?
Howard (in a squeaky voice): Oh, Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.
Bernadette (in a gruff voice): I don’t sound like that.
Howard: You’re my wife. You’re supposed to be on my side.
Bernadette: I’m always on your side.
Howard: Then why are you trying to take this away from me? Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I’m ever gonna do. If I stop talking about it, then I’m just…
Bernadette: Just what?
Howard: Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.
Bernadette: Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.
Howard: You’re just saying that.
Bernadette: No, I’m not. I married him. On purpose. Come here.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Penny (emerging from Tardis): Nothing to see here. Just sexy police business.
Leonard: Just explaining the theory of relativity. Twice.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Hey, what you watching?
Howard: I don’t know. Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz (on video, handing Halloween candy to children): Here you go. It’s a Milky Way. The Milky Way’s a galaxy in space. I’ve been in space. Here’s a Mars bar. I’m an astronaut. And this one’s a Moon Pie. I walked on the Moon. What have you done?
Howard: Okay, I get it. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x05 - The Holographic Excitation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A dance video game where the characters are imperial stormtroopers from Star Wars and Bobba Fett. Opens onto the apartment where Howard and Raj are dancing to the game.
Raj: Try to keep up, Howard, I’m k*lling it.
Howard: Yeah, I wish we looked as cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard: Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs.
Raj: You’re welcome, ladies.
Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)
Raj: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch.
Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?
Howard: That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”
Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…
Raj: I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.
Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.
Leonard: That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you.
Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.
Howard: Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.
Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t think this actually means…
Sheldon: Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)
Raj (putting game back on and removing shirt): All right. Crank up the AC, boys, it’s gonna get hot in here!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard’s mom’s underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn’t enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
Amy: I once looked in Sheldon’s underwear drawer. He yelled at me. But now I know what it looks like and he can never take that away.
Bernadette: There’s a book under here.
Penny: Oh, I’ll get that.
Bernadette: I got it.
Penny: No, no, it’s…
Bernadette: I got it. Why do you have a history textbook?
Penny: No, it’s not a big deal. Just taking a class at the Pasadena Community College.
Bernadette: That’s great. I didn’t know you wanted to go back to school.
Penny: It’s just one history class. Look, I didn’t finish college, so I thought I would give it a try.
Amy: Not to mention, your acting career is going south like Sherman. Read about it in your book.
Bernadette: Why would you be embarrassed to tell us?
Penny: No, I’m not embarrassed. I just didn’t want anyone to know because I haven’t told Leonard yet.
Amy: Why wouldn’t you tell Leonard?
Penny: Because it’s me going back to school, and he’s gonna be all “you can do it,” and “how can I help?” and “I’m so proud of you.” Ugh!
Bernadette: I just can’t believe you could keep something like that from him.
Amy: You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can’t think of anyone weirder?
Amy: I can, but she’s sitting right there.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.
Amy: Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.
Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.
Amy: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.
Sheldon: What’s your point?
Amy: It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.
Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.
Amy: Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.
Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Spaghetti okay?
Leonard: It’s crunchy. Just the way I like it.
Penny: Yeah, I don’t think the water was really boiling.
Leonard: It’s great. I love it.
Penny: Okay, listen, there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been thinking about going back to school for a while now. So a couple months ago, I started taking a history class at the community college.
Leonard: Oh. That’s great. Great, great, great. Why wait so long to tell me?
Penny: I don’t want you to make a big deal out of it.
Leonard: Why do you think I’d be like that? I get it, you’re taking one class. It’s nice. Maybe if it goes well, you take another, you enrol full-time. Ooh, be sure to keep an eye on which credits transfer to a four-year college.
Penny: You’re making it a big deal.
Leonard: Sorry. Whatever. It’s all good.
Penny: Anyway, that’s it. I just thought you should know.
Leonard: Am I allowed to ask how the class is going?
Penny: It’s really good. We’ve been talking about the origins of sl*very. Turn in my first paper tomorrow.
Leonard: Great topic. I can help with that. There are lots of different perspectives you can take, economic, sociological, political.
Penny: Hey hey hey, this is my paper. And my perspective is that sl*very is bad. Oh, and my professor’s black, so I’m pretty sure that’s the right answer.
Leonard: Can I take a look?
Penny: No, Leonard, this is my thing.
Leonard: Okay, I get it.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: It’s like when I started doing chin-ups, I didn’t want you to see until I could do one. FYI, really close.
Penny: Thank you. Now behave yourself and eat your dinner. Maybe later, if you’re lucky, you get to sleep with a college girl.
Leonard: Really? ‘Cause I went to four years of college and five years of grad school, that never happened once.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I think the next time I have to speak to a call centre in India, I’m going to try using an American accent.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because when I use my regular voice, I feel like I’m making fun of them.
Howard: That’s ridiculous. Not to mention, your American accent is terrible.
Raj: Dude, my accent is brilliant. (In American accent) Hey, my snow-white American friends, let’s put some cow meat on the barbecue and eat it until we’re all obese.
Howard: This is what you sound like. I think I’m talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I’m wearing a set of giant dentures.
Raj: Sheldon, do I really sound like that?
Howard: Tell him he sounds like that.
Raj: Sheldon, you okay?
Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?
Raj: The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.
Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
Howard: There’s the problem. You can’t b*at Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.
Sheldon: Really?
Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.
Sheldon: Good Lord, what have I done?
Raj (in American accent): Good Lord, what have I done?
Howard: Terrible.
Raj: All right, hotshot, let’s hear your Indian.
Howard: I can’t sit on that elephant, my ass is on f*re from eating all this curry.
Raj: Okay, yeah, that’s pretty good.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Leonard sneaks from the bed and opens Penny’s computer.
Leonard: Please be good. Please be good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. She writes like she cooks.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.
Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.
Leonard: I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.
Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?
Leonard: Is it possible we’re having two different conversations?
Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.
Leonard: Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.
Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.
Leonard: He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?
Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.
Leonard: Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…
Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.
Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?
Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.
Leonard: No. You need to give me some advice.
Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?
Leonard: No, specific to my situation.
Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?
Leonard: Empathetic.
Sheldon: It sucks to be you.
Leonard: I quit.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, of course, it only works on the weak-minded.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Good morning, sunshine.
Penny: Leonard. It’s eight a.m. It’s like the middle of the night.
Leonard: I know, but I have to go to work, and I made you breakfast.
Penny: Oh, wow, that’s so sweet. Hey, what’s this?
Leonard: Uh, before you open that, um, are you familiar with the story of The Shoemaker and the Elves?
Penny: Elves? Come on, Leonard. It’s too early for Lord of the Rings.
Leonard: No, no. Listen, um, once upon a time, there was this shoemaker and when he went to bed at night, elves would sneak in and they would make all these amazing shoes for him. And when the shoemaker woke up in the morning, he, he would be super happy, not mad at the elves at all. Open it.
Penny: Okay. An examination of the economic, cultural, and political roots of sl*very in the Old South, 1619 to 1865. What the hell is this?
Leonard: Don’t ask me. A little elf did it.
Penny: So let me get this straight. You just assumed my paper would be bad so you wrote one for me?
Leonard: No, I assumed it would be good. Then I read it.
Penny: What?
Leonard: No, I, I mean, it was good. There were just a few things that needed a little polishing.
Penny: You changed every word.
Leonard: That’s not true. Uh, sl*very. 1619. Your name at the top. That’s all you.
Penny: You are such an ass. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you I was taking a class in the first place.
Leonard: Please don’t be upset. I just, I didn’t want you ending up with a bad grade and get discouraged and give up on the idea of going back to school.
Penny: Right, because me being in school is so important to you. That way, you wouldn’t have to be dating someone who’s only a waitress.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you know that’s not true.
Penny: Do I? Listen to me. I need to do this on my own. If I fail, I fail. If I pass, I pass. Do you get it?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.
Penny: Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker
and the Elves, okay? This is, Give a man a fish, he eats it. Teach a man to fish, he, sells it or something. Whatever, I don’t know, it’s just a lot better than what you did, you big jerk!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: You ever hear back from Hawking?
Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.
Raj: It’ll be okay.
Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Raj: Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.
Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.
Howard: So, now all you have to do is let him win.
Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.
Howard: What are you waiting for? h*t send.
Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.
Raj: So don’t do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.
Howard: So do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.
Raj: Then don’t do it.
Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.
Howard: Good for you.
Sheldon: ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, hey. Haven’t heard from you in a couple days. You still mad at me?
Penny: Nope. I have no reason to… “B” mad at you. Minus.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: That’s right. On my paper. Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf.
Leonard: I don’t know what to say.
Penny: Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.
Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: How’d it go with Leonard?
Penny: I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Bernadette: Good.
Penny: So, I know this goes without saying, but if either of you tell Leonard you helped me rewrite this paper, I will b*at you both with a bag of oranges.
Amy: Understood.
Bernadette: Got it.
Penny: Now, ladies, we got a B-minus on this paper. I think if we put our heads together, on the next one we could get an A.
Bernadette: Uh, but we got you a B-minus on purpose to make it believable.
Penny: Believable? You saying I’m not smart?
Bernadette: No, no!
Amy: You’re smart.
Penny: That’s better.
Amy: I feel like I’m in high school again.
Bernadette: Yeah, doing the prom queen’s homework so she’ll like us.
Amy: I know. It’s finally working.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s phone rings.
Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: Well answer it. I want to hear.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, me, too.
Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha.
Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.
Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener neener. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x06 - The Extract Obliteration"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I’d like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can’t. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I’m pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m happy to be here.
Amy: Cut.
Sheldon: What’s wrong?
Amy: Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden.
Wil: Wooden?
Amy: Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.
Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Now what’s interesting about this flag…
Amy: Cut.
Wil: What was wrong with that?
Amy: It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.
Wil: Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.
Sheldon: It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.
Amy: You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time directing, I just want it to be good.
Wil: So do I.
Amy: Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action.
Wil: And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?
Amy: Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.
Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?
Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.
Amy: Cut.
Wil: Problem, first-time director?
Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.
Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.
Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.
Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?
Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?
Amy: Can I speak to you for a second?
Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.
Amy: I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.
Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.
Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.
Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?
Amy: You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?
Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on f*re.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don’t take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.
Bernadette: You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks.
Bernadette: I don’t understand why you keep your stuff here when there’s plenty of room at home.
Howard: What are you talking about? All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff, computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer. Ooh, there’s my plaid dickie. Oh, got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents. Can you believe it?
Bernadette: 50 cents sounds right. Let’s go.
Howard: You know, it’s kinda late. Why don’t we just spend the night here?
Bernadette: Because we don’t live here.
Howard: I know.
Bernadette: Do you? You said when you got back from space you were gonna move into my apartment, but half the time we stay here.
Howard: That’s not true.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I’m doing laundry. You want me to put anything in for you?
Howard: There’s some underwear in the hamper.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, good, I got that new stain stick to try out.
Howard: Thank you, I only put it on the list two weeks ago. Okay, I see what you’re getting at. How about this weekend I’ll box up all my things and move them to our place.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: The lightsabres are gonna look great in the living room.
Bernadette: Or in the closet. We can decide later.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, help, my hand’s stuck in the garbage disposal.
Howard: Let go of whatever piece of food you’re holding.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you kidding? It’s a perfectly good chicken leg.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, look who’s out after dark, like a big boy.
Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy.
Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.
Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument?
Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.
Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left?
Sheldon: Walked right out the door.
Leonard: And you?
Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.
Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset.
Sheldon: Why’s that?
Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.
Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.
Leonard: Trust me, call her.
Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.
Amy (on skype): What?
Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.
Amy: I’m mad at you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.
Amy: I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.
Sheldon: Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?
Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.
Sheldon: Wow, Amy’s mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Hey. Sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I’m a terrible waitress, remember?
Bernadette: So, is there anything I can do to help you with the move tomorrow?
Howard: Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great.
Bernadette: What’s your excuse this time?
Howard: No excuse. It’s just, you know, I’m Jewish, and technically, we’re not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath. So this one’s on God.
Bernadette: That might be a little more convincing if you didn’t have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger.
Howard: My religion’s kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don’t wear a cross, you’re good.
Bernadette: Howie, you promised you’d move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I’m obviously not going to live in my mother’s house for the rest of my life. I’m not a child.
Penny: I’ve seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp. Don’t you have other tables you should be waiting on?
Penny: Yeah, but I told you, I’m not good at my job. Bernadette, listen to me. He is never gonna leave.
Bernadette: I’m starting to think you’re right.
Howard: All right, I’ve had enough of this. I’m a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I’ve been to space. I will move out when I’m ready, and I don’t need anyone badgering me into it.
Penny: Wow, excuse me.
Howard: That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.
Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this?
Sheldon: First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Raj: Wow. An end of an era.
Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk.
Leonard: They’d say, why does he touch himself so much?
Howard: Yeah. I can’t believe I’m not going to live here anymore. This has always been my bedroom. Right here is where my mom used to mark my height.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Fifth grade. Sixth grade. Seventh grade. Eighth grade. Ninth grade.
Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
Leonard: Okay. You want to start loading this stuff into the truck?
Howard: Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favour? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room.
Leonard: We’re not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.
Howard: Fine, let’s go.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.
Penny: Hey. What brings you in?
Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.
Penny: I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.
Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking?
Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.
Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.
Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?
Penny: It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.
Sheldon: Sold.
Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?
Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.
Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.
Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.
Penny: Honey, you can’t make people like each other.
Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to b*at. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.
Penny: You might want to pace yourself.
Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.
Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.
Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.
Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.
Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.
Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go.
Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.
Penny: No, she won’t.
Sheldon: No, she won’t. I’m great.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother’s house. You are now the only woman in my life who I’ll see naked in the bathroom.
Bernadette: I know this wasn’t easy. You doing okay?
Howard: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just her I’m worried about.
Bernadette: Aw, she’ll be okay. She’s a grown woman.
Howard: I know. It’s just ever since my dad left, I’ve felt responsible for her.
Bernadette: That’s a lot for a kid to deal with.
Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
Bernadette: She’s lucky you were there.
Howard: You know, she’s why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she’d smile. For a few minutes, she’d forget how lonely she was.
Bernadette: Aw, crap. Let’s go.
Howard: Where we going?
Bernadette: Grab a box. We’ll sleep at your mother’s place tonight.
Howard: No, but I want to live here.
Bernadette: Well, you should’ve thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story.
Howard: Can’t we talk about this?
Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!
Scene: Wil Wheaton’s house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?
Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Wil: Have you been drinking?
Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.
Wil: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?
Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.
Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.
Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to b*at an apology out of you.
Wil: Okay, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.
Wil: Are you okay?
Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I’m pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it’s a pleasure to be here. Well, we’ve got some interesting flags for…
Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon: I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.
LeVar: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x07 - The Habitation Cohabitation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon is drawing on a napkin.
Raj: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon: It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard: You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.
Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)
Howard: Do you expect me to build this?
Sheldon: I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen.
Howard: Have you guys ever noticed that Sheldon always disappears every day at two forty-five?
Leonard: Really?
Raj: He probably just goes to the bathroom.
Leonard: Actually, no, he goes to the bathroom at eight a.m. with optional follow-ups at one forty-five and seven ten high-fibre Fridays.
Raj: It’s sad that you know that.
Leonard: Oh, that’s just the tip of the sadness iceberg.
Howard: I’m looking at his public calendar. Two forty-five to three-oh-five, nothing. Yesterday, two forty-five to three-oh-five, nothing, last week, nothing, last month, nothing. He never has anything booked during that time.
Raj: Twenty minutes a day, completely unaccounted for.
Howard: We should figure out where he goes.
Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. Like one of my classic m*rder mystery dinner parties.
Leonard: Right, the case of who m*rder three Saturday nights of my life?
Howard: Colonel Koothrapali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj: It was tapenade and you guys suck.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is texting.
Penny: So, how was work today?
Leonard: Well, I spent most of the afternoon growing isotopically pure crystals for neutrino detection.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Leonard: Yeah, it was.
Penny: Oh, good, I guessed right.
Leonard: Who you talking to?
Penny: Oh, just this guy I met at school.
Leonard: Oh, great. We’re still dating, right?
Penny: Relax. He’s just a friend. We’re doing an oral report together. He’s really nice.
Leonard: I’m sorry, what was that? I had a little stroke after oral.
Penny: Would you stop? Look, he just moved here from London, okay? He doesn’t really know anybody.
Leonard: Oh, good, an English accent, the sexiest accent you can have.
Penny: No. That’s not true. There’s French, there’s Italian. No, you’re right, it’s the best.
Leonard: Did you tell him you have a boyfriend?
Penny: It didn’t come up.
Leonard: Well, maybe you should tell him.
Penny: What am I supposed to say?
Leonard: Say, can’t talk right now, hanging with my boyfriend. England sucks, you suck, USA number one.
Penny: Fine. Hanging with my boyfriend. Talk to you later. Happy?
Leonard: Yes. Thank you.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hmm.
Leonard: What did he say?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Did your boyfriend make you type that?
Leonard: I hate this guy.
Penny: Don’t be like that.
Leonard: Come on, trust me, he’s hitting on you.
Penny: No, he’s not. We’re just friends. Look, is this gonna be a problem? Because he’s supposed to come over tomorrow to work.
Leonard: Really? Here?
Penny: If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll switch partners, even though the thing’s due next week and everyone already has a partner and I’ll probably end up failing the class.
Leonard: That’d be great. Thank you.
Scene: The corridor outside Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Two forty-four, Right on schedule. Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, hello.
Howard: Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Raj: Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.
Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.
Howard: Well, where are you going?
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Raj: We just told you.
Sheldon: I just told you.
Howard: No, you didn’t.
Sheldon: Well, it’s your word against mine; see you in court.
Howard: Should we follow him?
Raj: I don’t know, I’m torn. I want to know where he’s going, but now I kind of want to play with the bunny.
Alex: Hi, guys.
Howard: Hey, Alex, do you know where your boss just went?
Alex: No.
Howard: Don’t you know his schedule?
Alex: All I know is corduroy makes too much noise and I have to go find quieter pants.
Howard: Come on.
Raj: Boy, what I wouldn’t give to get her out of those pants and into something a little more stylish.
Scene: A corridor in the basement. Sheldon takes out a key, unlocks a door and enters.
Howard: This is where he goes? What’s in there?
Raj: I think it’s an old storage room.
Howard: What could he be doing in there every day for twenty minutes?
Raj: Well, he’s not doing twenty-minute abs, because if he were, he would have way better abs. Can you hear anything?
Howard: Not yet. What are you doing?
Raj: I’m listening.
Howard: Can’t you face the other way and listen?
Raj: I can’t do anything right for you, can I?
Howard: What the hell is he up to?
Raj: He is kind of a weirdo. Maybe he’s got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates. Or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.
Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.
Leonard: It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.
Sheldon: You think you don’t care?
Leonard: This is silly. I have nothing to worry about.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.
Leonard: Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.
Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.
Leonard: I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity.
Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.
Leonard: I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here.
Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.
Leonard: None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.
Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.
Leonard: Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.
Scene: The university basement.
Raj: Look at us, sneaking around in the middle of the night like a couple of cat burglars.
Howard: I think we’re more like ninjas.
Raj: I don’t want to be a ninja, I want to be a cat burglar.
Howard: Fine, I’ll be a ninja, you be a cat burglar.
Raj: No, we both have to be the same thing. Okay, we’re ninjas.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: But next time, we’ll be cat burglars.
Howard: It’s locked.
Raj: Are you sure?
Howard: Yes, I’m sure. Now, you stand guard, I’m going to…
Raj (trying door): It’s locked.
Howard: Just keep an eye out. I’ll have this open in a minute.
Raj: When did you learn how to pick locks?
Howard: When I was starting to do magic in junior high, I thought I could be an escape artist like Harry Houdini.
Raj: How did that work out?
Howard: Pretty good. I managed to escape friends, popularity, and every party thrown in a twelve mile radius. There. Ready?
Raj: Hold on, hold on.
Howard: What?
Raj: Sheldon is a very smart man, and he obviously wants to keep this a secret.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: What if it’s booby-trapped?
Howard: Don’t worry, I’m one step ahead of him.
Raj: Great, what’s your pl… (Howard pushes him inside)
Howard: Are we good?
Raj: Yeah. Huh. Forty-three? What the hell does that mean?
Howard: I don’t know. The solution to an equation?
Raj: Maybe. It’s a prime number. Encryption systems are built on prime numbers.
Howard: What kind of secret does Sheldon have to encrypt?
Raj: He’s always been very cagey about what he puts in his egg salad to make it so tasty.
Howard: It’s paprika.
Raj: Really? Well, oh, okay, one mystery solved.
Scene: The apartment.
Voice from Outside: Okay, good night.
Penny (off): Thanks, Cole. See you at school.
Cole (off): See you.
Leonard: I’ll be right back.
Sheldon: I thought you left a long time ago.
Leonard (rushing to catch up with Cole): ‘sup?
Cole: Hey.
Leonard: You, uh, moving into the apartment on the fifth floor?
Cole: No, I was just visiting a friend.
Leonard: Oh, cool. That cute blonde on four?
Cole: Yeah. You know her?
Leonard: I, well, I see her around. I like to keep my distance because her boyfriend is a pretty scary dude.
Cole: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. He’s ganged up.
Cole: She told me he’s a scientist.
Leonard: That’s the name of his g*ng. The Scientists. They are crazy.
Cole: Well, thanks for the tip.
Leonard: No problem, brother. Stay frosty. (Cole leaves. Leonard spots Penny watching.) We’re still dating, right?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Alex: Oh, hello, Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, Alex, and call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although, I’m pretty sure Dr. Boots Hofstadter’s degree was honorary.
Alex: May I join you, Leonard?
Leonard: Sure.
Alex: Thanks.
Leonard: Hey, Alex, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He’s got an English accent.
Alex: Ooh, I love English accents.
Leonard: Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he’s hitting on her. She says he’s just being nice and that I should trust her.
Alex: It’s probably harmless. You know how it is. I’m sure you get h*t on all the time.
Leonard: Right. Because girls are always like, ooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets a lot of ear infections. I got to get me some of that.
Alex: I don’t know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard: Trust me, it doesn’t.
Alex: You sure? You’re cute, you’re funny. Maybe you’re getting h*t on, and you don’t even know it.
Leonard: Really?
Alex: Yep, pretty sure.
Leonard (laughs): Okay, I got to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Alex: No problem.
Leonard: Hope-hope no girls rip my clothes off on the way.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Raj: Come on, we’re smart guys. We can figure this out.
Howard: Forty-three. What is forty-three? Besides my mom’s neck size.
Raj: It’s the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff’s radioactive.
Raj: Do you think he’s building a b*mb?
Howard: Ah, it took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star, I’m not worried.
Raj: Ooh, this could be something. forty-three is the number of calories in half a cup of fat-free yoghurt.
Howard: Why would you know that?
Raj: I’m sorry. We can’t all eat whatever we want and still stay thin. Wait, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, isn’t forty-three the answer to the question of life, the universe,and everything?
Howard: That’s forty-two, dumb-ass.
Raj: Hey, hey. Feelings.
Howard: We should stop. I’m exhausted.
Raj: Yeah, me, too. We’ve got more important things to do. Who cares what stupid forty-three means?
Howard: Not me.
Raj: Let’s go home. You want to get something to eat?
Howard: Sounds good.
Raj: What the balls is forty-three?
Howard: I have to know!
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hey, shouldn’t you be out with your g*ng, spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I’m sorry.
Penny: I just can’t believe you don’t trust me.
Leonard: I do, of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend, who, by the way, knew exactly who you were?
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Your picture’s on my refrigerator.
Leonard: Oh. You know, I’m really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard: I don’t know. It-it-it’s hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys h*t on you, even if I’m standing right there. And they’re all taller than me. Why is everyone taller than me? You know what, this is all in my head. It’s my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard, why do you always do this? Listen to me, you’re the one I’m with. You know I love you, so will you please relax because you’re driving me crazy.
Leonard: You know that’s the first time you ever said that you love me.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: We’re just supposed to pretend it’s not a big deal?
Penny: That’s exactly what we’re gonna do because you’re about to make me cry, and we both know if I start crying, you’re gonna start crying.
Leonard: You’re right, you should go.
Penny (crying): All right.
Leonard (crying): She loves me. (Receives text) Hey, it’s Alex. Nice having coffee with you. If you want to talk more, I’m always available. Smiley face, smiley face. What a friendly girl.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Okay, picture’s up. Looks like the camera’s working.
Raj: That’s good quality video.
Howard: It better be. It’s the spare camera for the Mars rover.
Raj: How did you get your hands on that?
Howard: Million dollar camera, ten dollar lock.
Raj: Oh, my God, here he comes. This is it.
Howard: What the hell is that thing?
Raj: I don’t know.
Sheldon (on screen): This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.
Howard: Wormhole generator test? (On screen a wormhole appears)
Sheldon: The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole)
Howard: Oh, my God!
Raj: Holy crap!
Sheldon (with an alien creature stuck to his face): Oh! It’s eating my face!
Raj: Aah! It’s eating his face!
Sheldon (throwing alien onto the laptop): I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Raj: Sheldon, we’re really sorry.
Howard: Yeah, really sorry.
Sheldon: Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.
Howard: But what are you doing in there?
Raj: And what does forty-three mean?
Sheldon: You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.
Raj: Yeah, well, I know how to make your egg salad now.
Scene: The room in the basement. Sheldon enters, takes out a box, takes a beanbag from the box, then starts playing keepie-uppie,
Sheldon: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… Drat. I’m never going to get to forty-three again. One, two, three, four… Rats. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x08 - The 43 Peculiarity"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: They are not.
Raj: They are, too.
Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You’re just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you’re displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That’s called a fashion choice.
Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.
Leonard: Good boy. Here’s a cookie.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Howard: Hey, fellas, what’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, mummies and zombies again.
Howard: Oh, they’re not the same thing.
Leonard: You get a cookie, too.
Howard: Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning?
Raj: Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?
Howard: Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car.
Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.
Howard: Nope.
Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is trying to push Howard’s car out of the spot.
Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don’t use the parking spot, but that’s not the point. I… Yes, I’m aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn’t answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that’s some salty language. May I remind you that you’re the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I’m sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he’s a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal.
Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.
Leonard: All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?
Leonard: Because I can never understand your side.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Give it back.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?
Howard: My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.
Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?
Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.
Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.
Howard: Fine. I’m taking your diploma.
Sheldon: Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.
Scene: The apartment stairwell.
Bernadette: We’re so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
Penny: Yeah. So, how you doing?
Amy: A little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: Uh, no, they usually don’t have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: I feel like I’m five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?
Penny: Hey, anybody want a drink?
Amy: Sure.
Bernadette: Okay. So, did you spend last night hearing about this silly parking space fight, too?
Amy: For hours. Fortunately, I couldn’t understand most of it ’cause Sheldon was wearing that stupid robot mask.
Bernadette: Howard was so angry I had to mash up Benadryl in his ice cream to get him to fall asleep.
Amy: I guess this is what we get for being with two testosterone-fueled alpha males. At some point, they’re bound to lock horns.
Penny: I’m assuming these are some kind of horns they bought at Comic-Con?
Bernadette: I’m really sorry they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn’t have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
Amy: I know, Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
Bernadette: What’s that supposed to mean?
Amy: Well, I mean, Howard’s never gonna go to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
Bernadette: You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again, if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Amy: If and when?
Penny: Okay, maybe we should change the subject. Um, Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Bernadette: Hang on. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
Amy: That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
Penny: You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. It’s a bad idea.
Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn.
Amy: Yeah, well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his mother. And yes, that is a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Penny: Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
Bernadette: I don’t have to take this. I’m gonna go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn’t mean it that way,
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Okay, here’s another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?
Leonard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Cookie.
Leonard: I don’t have any.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)
Howard: Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don’t need a parking space. You don’t have a car.
Sheldon: You don’t need an Iron Man helmet. You’re not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And you know, I have to say, I thought you’d be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: I didn’t pick up on that. That’s a nice touch.
Leonard: Mmm.
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is spraypainting out Howard’s name and replacing it with his own.
Amy: This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.
Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.
Amy: Freaking pigs.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.
Amy: Wait, I’m leaving my car here?
Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.
Amy: Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.
Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.
Amy: What do you think?
Sheldon: I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.
Scene: Amy and Howard’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, Howard’s mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell ya? She’s a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is. More coffee?
Penny: No, Leonard’s taking me to a physics lecture, and coffee’ll just keep me awake. (Knock on door) Oh, I’ll get it.
Amy: Oh, looks like someone’s on Team Bernadette. Where’s Howard?
Bernadette: He’s not here. What’s wrong?
Amy: He had my car towed. It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
Amy: In Sheldon’s spot.
Bernadette: That doesn’t make sense. Sheldon doesn’t have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard’s spot?
Amy: Don’t play dumb with me, sister. You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn’t make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I’m the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re not gonna see this coming. (Swings handbag. Bernadette ducks. Penny is h*t in the face)
Penny: Ow! Ow!
Amy: Oh, my God,
Bernadette: Are you okay?!
Penny: You idiot, what the hell do you have in there?!
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I’ve been meaning to take to the bank.
Bernadette: Don’t move. I’ll get some ice.
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: Get away from me or I swear to God I will rip out what’s left of your pubes!
Bernadette: Here.
Penny: Thanks. Ah!
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: You h*t her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed.
Bernadette: You were parked in Howard’s spot.
Amy: I was parked in Sheldon’s spot.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn’t have a spot.
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room.
Bernadette: Okay, let’s go.
Amy: I’ll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn’t scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: ‘Cause I did it!
Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon has set up his office in it.
Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.
Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.
Howard: Okay, you need to move now.
Sheldon: No, I don’t.
Howard: You can’t stay there forever.
Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)
Howard: Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon,
Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?
Howard: I’m warning you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Your thr*at are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.
Howard: Get out of my spot.
Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.
Leonard: What are you idiots doing?
Sheldon: He’s trying to k*ll me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to v*olence.
Howard: Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
Leonard: You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.
Howard: It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.
Sheldon: Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
Howard: Can you believe this guy?
Leonard: What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.
Howard: Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)
Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.
Howard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.
Howard: Stop that. You stop that.
Sheldon: You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj: Hey, got a minute?
Sheldon: Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.
Raj: Calm down. Howard has something he wants to say to you.
Howard: All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard…
Raj: Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.
Howard: I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You’re the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Howard: I’d like to propose a toast, to burying the hatchet.
Sheldon: To burying the hatchet.
Bernadette: You know, I’m kind of glad this happened.
Amy: Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer.
Penny (with two black eyes and a plaster across her nose): Yeah, everybody’s happy, great.
Scene: A dry cleaners.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
Shopkeeper: A what?
Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?
Shopkeeper: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An a**l autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
Shopkeeper: Tuesday okay?
Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
Shopkeeper: Let me write you a ticket.
Sheldon: Is that your son?
Shopkeeper: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x09 - The Parking Lot Escalation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?
Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.
Howard and Raj (together): Turtle power!
Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.
Raj: an we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.
Howard: It’s heebie-jeebies.
Raj: I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic. Anyway, I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight. The theme, movies that k*lled their franchises.
Leonard: Oh. Like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.
Raj: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie’s bad when my homegirl Sandy B can’t save it.
Leonard: Penny’s working tonight, I’m in.
Howard: Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents.
Leonard: Fun. We know how much you love that.
Howard: It’s t*rture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.
Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.
Howard: Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law.
Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.
Howard: Great, thank you.
Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.
Raj: What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight?
Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.
Leonard: That should lighten the mood.
Sheldon: What can I say? I put the fun in funeral.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.
Amy: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?
Amy: I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral.
Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.
Amy: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me?
Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.
Amy: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.
Amy: Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now let’s get this over with.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: So, how have you been?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Fine.
Howard: Good. Fine is good. How you liking retirement?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It’s fine.
Howard: I’m sensing a theme. You ever really think about the Spider-Man theme song? How’s that dinner coming?
Bernadette: I just put it in. It’s gonna be a while.
Howard: I like rare chicken. Let’s do this.
Bernadette: You could die.
Howard: Death by chicken. That’s a pretty fowl way to go.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Here’s another beer, honey.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Thank you.
Howard: So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?
Mrs. Rostenkowski: It was good.
Howard: Had no idea you were the chatty one.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.
Amy: Sheldon, you don’t get over the flu in half an hour.
Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.
Amy: I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?
Amy: Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.
Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.
Amy: Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
Amy: You, you want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon: Yes. All over it.
Amy: Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon: Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy: Oh, I’m counting on it.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, dig in.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Hold up. Bless us, O Lord for these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Howard: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Bernadette: So, Dad, have you done any fishing lately?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I’m going next weekend.
Howard: Oh, you like to fish?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard: Sure. I can hear it in your voice.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Oh, if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t go.
Howard: You know, I hadn’t thought of that. (To Bernadette, whispering) Help me.
Bernadette: Hey, Dad, maybe you could take Howard fishing sometime. Give you guys a chance to get to know each other better.
Howard: No, no. We know each other well enough. He’s been talking my ear off all night.
Bernadette: Howie, I think you’d have fun.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Fine, you can tag along.
Bernadette: Terrific. My two favorite fellas gone fishin’.
Howard: Well, hang on a second, Bernie. Next weekend, we have that thing.
Bernadette: What thing?
Howard: You know, the thing.
Bernadette: Oh, that thing. No, I cancelled that thing.
Mr. Rostenkowski: All right, it’s settled. You and I are going fishing.
Howard: Great. (To Bernadette) Thanks for the help.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: I’ve never even been fishing. This is gonna be a disaster.
Raj: If you don’t want to look foolish doing something, you should practice. Do you know how many Beef Wellingtons I made by myself before I invited you guys over? I’ll give you a hint. You can see them here, here and here.
Leonard: Raj is probably right. You should get someone to give you some pointers.
Howard: Do either of you guys know how to fish?
Leonard: No.
Raj: No. But if you catch anything, I know how to steam it in banana leaves.
Howard: Come on, we must know somebody who can do manly stuff like this.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: S’up?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Step one, worms.
Howard: Ew!
Penny: Okay, right there, ew is one of the things you’re not gonna want to say in front of your father-in-law. It’s right up there with icky and get it away. Now pick one up.
Howard: Really?
Penny: You’re gonna have to do it when you’re fishing.
Howard: Okay.
Penny: What are you waiting for?
Howard: I don’t know, for them to die of natural causes.
Penny: Just pick up a worm and put him on this hook.
Howard: Fine. There.
Leonard: I’m no expert, but I think the hook has to go through the worm.
Howard: Fine. Sorry, Mr. Worm. Sherm. Sherm the Worm.
Penny: Hey, don’t name him. Just jab a hook in his face.
Raj: You got this, buddy.
Leonard: Yeah, come on, Howard. Hook that worm.
Raj: You can do it.
Penny: That’s great. Cheerleading, way to man things up.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon (reading): And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities. But, because of flaws in the experimental design relating to environment and diet, they lived inconclusively ever after. The end.
Amy: That was great. Rub my chest again. (Knock at door)
Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)
Bernadette: How’s the poor thing?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.
Bernadette: Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.
Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?
Amy: I don’t have a bath thermometer.
Sheldon: Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.
Bernadette: This is a really good expectorant. Although some test subjects reported lactating uncontrollably when they heard music.
Amy: Okay, okay, here’s the deal. I don’t need your medicine. I’m not sick.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Amy: I got better two days ago. It’s just been so nice having Sheldon take care of me.
Bernadette: So you’ve just been lying to him?
Amy: See the stuff in my nose? Rubber cement.
Bernadette: I don’t mean to be judgy, but this is the kind of thing lunatics do.
Amy: All right. I’ll tell him.
Sheldon (off): Amy, would you be strong enough to bathe yourself, or do you need my help?
Amy: I’ll tell him tomorrow. Mama needs a bath.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Now, let’s assume, by some miracle, you actually catch a fish. You’re going to have to know how to gut it. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to take your Kn*fe, slice him right up the belly. (Howard gags) You want me to stop?
Howard: No, I’m fine. Keep going.
Penny: All right. Now, you don’t want to cut too deep into its guts, or the blood will just squirt all over your face. (Howard, Leonard and Raj gag) Oh, my God. What is with you guys?
Leonard: It’s not our fault. Our dads never did anything like this with us.
Penny: What, never?
Leonard: My dad was an anthropologist. The only father-son time he spent was with a 2,000-year-old skeleton of an Etruscan boy. I hated that kid.
Raj: Mine just took me to his gynecology office. I got so bored, I’d put vaginal lubricant on the bottom of my shoes and pretend I was ice-skating.
Howard: Yeah, well, my quality father-son time was spending my adolescence looking out the window waiting for my dad to come back someday.
Raj: Yeah, okay, Howard wins.
Leonard: You know, maybe we didn’t have opportunities like this when we were growing up, but right now, there’s a dad that wants to take you on a fishing trip.
Howard: You’re right. Oh! I should do this.
Penny: Great. Here you go. What you’re going to do is you’re going to stick your thumb down its throat, grab the guts and pull.
Howard: Here we go. Oh!
Penny: Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is dancing to “Walking on Sunshine”. Hears door and turns off stereo.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.
Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.
Amy: Oh?
Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on f*re.
Amy: All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.
Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.
Amy: I feel terrible I did this.
Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.
Amy: I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest?
Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.
Amy: I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.
Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t k*ll a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.
Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?
Sheldon: I don’t want to. But it looks like you left me no choice.
Amy: That’s true. I’ve been a very bad girl.
Scene: Bernadette’s parents’ garage.
Howard: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to fish we go.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That’s what you’re wearing?
Howard: No good? The guy at the sporting goods store said these are what fishermen wear.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Maybe in cartoons.
Howard: Wish I had known that before I posted all those pictures on Facebook.
Mr. Rostenkowski: All right, let’s h*t the road. I wouldn’t mind sh**ting some ducks in the morning.
Howard: Wait, now we’re sh**ting things?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I like using a big shell. You can’t eat them afterwards, but it’s fun watching them blow up.
Howard: Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.
Mr. Rostenkowski: So, why’d you agree to come?
Howard: ‘Cause Bernadette made me.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Howard: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.
Howard: So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to sh**t craps?
Howard: No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.
Howard: Really? Thank you, sir.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Call me Mike.
Howard: Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ballbusters, huh, Mike?
Mr. Rostenkowski: That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.
Howard: Great couple of gals.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn’t go that far.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?
Amy: One second. I want to put on some music.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.
Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.
Amy: Oh, my.
Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.
Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.
Sheldon: Maybe I will.
Amy: Ooh! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x10 - The Fish Guts Displacement"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, now holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: Look at that, I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You’re so butch.
Leonard: Aw, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did. Your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Oh, great! I’ve always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.
Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.
Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?
Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment. Bernadette is on the webcam.
Bernadette: Saturday night? But I’ve been working late all week. That was gonna be our night.
Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If-if I’m not there, then everyone will blame you. They’ll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She’s the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage.
Bernadette: You’re an idiot.
Howard: I’m your idiot. Forever.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: So, listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake, and then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith Park, but Leonard’s talking about a big D and D game at his place.
Stuart: Saturday night just went from crazy to epic. Woo-hoo!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.
Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.
Stuart: What’s wrong with Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard:Pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.
Leonard: Would you just look inside?
Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.
Leonard: It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.
Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.
Leonard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa’s village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place.
Raj: Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and sh**t my magic all over his ass.
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?
Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.
Leonard: Fine. Howard, what do you do?
Howard: I follow the ogre tracks, checking for secret doors along the way.
Leonard: And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor.
Howard: Okay, guys, let’s make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front.
Raj: No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you.
Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of w*apon, h*t a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.
Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game?
Sheldon: Lucky.
Leonard: Okay, come on, moving on.
Raj: Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon: I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.
Penny: See you, boys. We are going drinking.
Raj: Uh, wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj, it’s girls’ night out.
Amy: Maybe another time.
Leonard: Okay…
Penny: Come on.
Raj: Ooh! Girls’ night, girls’ night! Ooh! Ooh!
Stuart: How does he not hear that?
Scene: A bar.
Amy: So, what’s the plan? Are we gonna teach our fellas a lesson by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men into the bathroom, and turning the toilet stall into a temple of the senses?
Bernadette: No!
Penny: No!
Amy: Geez, who’s Forever 63 now?
Raj: Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table? Don’t worry. It’s my treat.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Wow, you should come to girls’ night more often. And not just because if you weren’t here, this would be a can of Pabst.
Raj: My pleasure, nothing makes me happier than the chance to spoil a lady. Just ask my dog. My vet says if I give her any more foie gras, she’s going to die of gout.
Bernadette: Hey, let’s help Raj meet a girl tonight.
Raj: No, no, no, I’m fine.
Penny: Okay, wait, are we talking one-night stand or do we want to get him into a relationship?
Amy: Let’s get him laid!
Raj: Stop it. You’re ruining girls’ night.
Penny: Raj, you’re a great guy, you’re in a bar full of single women, let us help you.
Bernadette: Yeah, you’re a real catch. I know you’re shy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have someone wonderful in your life.
Raj: That’s sweet of you. But what can you do to help?
Bernadette: We’ll nose around, see if we can find a nice girl, and then introduce you.
Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don’t tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like, nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she’s willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you’ll take any woman who’ll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.
Scene: The apartment.
Stuart: I don’t remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah. I got ‘em on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure. I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online, I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.
Howard: Can we please move this along?
Leonard: Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.
Howard: Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile.
Leonard: Great. What do you do?
Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”
Sheldon: I open the chest.
Leonard: It’s locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut and now the walls of the room start closing in.
Stuart: That’s not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia.
Leonard: Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory.
Howard: Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
Leonard: Walls are getting closer.
Stuart: Oh, boy, happy place, happy place.
Sheldon: Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.
Leonard: You’re ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight.
Howard: What are we supposed to do?
Leonard: Seven, six.
Sheldon: Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.
Leonard: Three, two.
Stuart: Somebody sing the damn song.
Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even
Leonard: The walls are getting slower.
Sheldon: Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.
Leonard:The walls stop. You’re safe.
Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon.
Stuart: How did you know that?
Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the f*re and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.
Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest.
Sheldon: W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…
Scene: The bar.
Bernadette: Looks like he’s doing pretty good.
Penny: Of course he is. Look, that girl just got dumped by her boyfriend. She’s angry, she’s drunk, and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire. I mean.
Amy: That is some low-hanging fruit.
Bernadette: Oh, here he comes.
Penny: So, how’d it go?
Raj: Great. I bought her a couple of drinks, and she gave me her e-mail address.
Penny: Ooh!
Bernadette: Jennifer at not-even-if-you-were-the-last-guy-on-earth dot loser.
Raj: What?
Bernadette: I’m sorry, Raj.
Raj: Why can’t I find someone? I’m smart, I’ve got a cool job, and my naturally bronzed complexion means I can pull off mustard yellow in a way most guys can’t.
Penny: Oh, honey, it’s not you, it’s them.
Raj: No, it’s not. She was too beautiful for me.
Bernadette: Why would you say that?
Raj: It’s true. I’m always attracted to women I can’t have. I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy: The two of them? I don’t understand.
Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me, too, because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me. But apparently I misread those signals.
Amy: And you liked Bernadette also?
Raj: That was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends’ girlfriends at a time. I’m very old-fashioned that way.
Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette: Think harder.
Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is still singing.
Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.
Howard: Done?
Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.
Leonard: Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.
Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?
Leonard: I don’t know. What’s the difference?
Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.
Leonard: Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.
Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?
Leonard: You see those, too.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s like I’m really there.
Stuart: I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.
Leonard: What are you drinking there? A little eggnog?
Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?
Leonard: No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.
Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?
Leonard: Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now.
Stuart: What was so bad about them?
Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn’t amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’m familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.
Scene: The bar.
Raj: Amy, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.
Amy: It’s fine. I’m used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 22, and the guy only did it so I’d give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.
Amy: Forget it. I don’t expect you guys to understand.
Raj: I understand. In seventh grade, I played Spin the Bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.
Amy: You think that’s bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely, I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I’m holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that, too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.
Raj: It’s kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.
Amy: It is, isn’t it?
Raj: But you’re not alone anymore. Now you’ve got Sheldon.
Amy: I do. And don’t worry, someday you’ll have somebody, too.
Raj: Thank you. I hope she’s half as lovely and amazing as you are.
Amy: Thank you, Rajesh. He wants me, I’m good. We can go now.
Raj: Damn it.
Penny: What?
Raj: Now that I know she doesn’t like me, I’m kind of into her.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing numbers on a whiteboard.
Sheldon: All right. I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge.
Howard: Great. Let’s do it. (They pick up bells and play according to the numbers. The tune is Jingle Bells)
Leonard: The drawbridge is lowering.
Stuart: My carpal tunnel’s acting up.
Sheldon: Play through the pain.
Leonard: You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me.
Howard: Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.
Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.
Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Howard: Wait, what are you doing?
Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?
Leonard: Uh, okay.
Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard: This is weird, right?
Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s d*ad, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
Scene: The apartment, late at night.
Sheldon: Santa?
Santa: Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep.
Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.
Santa: Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.
Sheldon: I understand.
Santa: But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes.
Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.
Santa: Oh, it’s better than a train.
Sheldon: Two trains?
Santa: Better.
Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.
Santa: Okay, open ‘em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense…
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x11 - The Santa Simulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.
Leonard: I can’t blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming thr*at of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.
Leonard: What recordings?
Sheldon: Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.
Alex: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey. Just playing a little Giant Jenga here.
Alex: Oh, I know, I’m the one who had to buy him the helmet. So, do you have any plans this weekend?
Leonard: Well, most of Saturday’s gonna be figuring out where to put this game when we’re done. How about you?
Alex: Oh, I’m gonna go see Kip Thorne give a lecture on subatomic space-time.
Leonard: Ooh. That’s his take on John Wheeler’s quantum foam. That should be great.
Alex: Well, if you want, you can come with me.
Leonard: Ah, I’d love to, but I’m supposed to hang out with Penny.
Alex: Well, bring her.
Leonard: Well, she’s not really into that kind of stuff.
Alex: Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.
Leonard (jumping and knocking over the Jenga): What?
Sheldon: Jenga, I win!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Oh, come on, that can’t be true.
Raj: I did the research. Tony the Tiger, Dig’em the Frog, Cap’n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Count Chocula, Trix the Rabbit, Snap, Crackle and Pop. Not one cereal mascot is a girl. It’s a total breakfast sausage fest.
Leonard: Are we done with this?
Raj: Almost. Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Sugar Bear and the Honey Nut Cheerio bee, I believe his name is Buzz.
Leonard: Terrific. Something weird happened and I don’t know what to do about it.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: Sheldon’s assistant asked me on a date last night.
Raj: How could you do that to me? You know I’ve been working it with Alex for weeks.
Leonard: Working it? You can’t even talk to her.
Raj: I talk with my eyes.
Howard: You look like my little cousin when he’s dropping one in his diaper.
Leonard: She knows I have a girlfriend. It’s so weird.
Raj: Oh, my God. You’re loving this.
Leonard: To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.
Raj: I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.
Sheldon: Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?
Raj: Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move.
Leonard: I didn’t steal anyone.
Raj: Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.
Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.
Leonard: I’m androgynous?
Sheldon: Oh, please. Look at you with your pouty bee-stung lips.
Leonard: What do you guys think I should do?
Raj: I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.
Penny: What is happening?
Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.
Bernadette: Who’s involved?
Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.
Penny: You’re talking about Leonard.
Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.
Amy: It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it?
Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.
Penny: Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex?
Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?
Penny: Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya.
Sheldon: Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.
Penny: I’m gonna k*ll her.
Bernadette: I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.
Amy: She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.
Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.
Penny: We know what’s going on, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Well, what should I do?
Bernadette: Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.
Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.
Penny: What? He’s loving it?
Bernadette: Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.
Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?
Alex: I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?
Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?
Alex: Is there a problem?
Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.
Alex: What did I do?
Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a sl*ve to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.
Alex: I have to go.
Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Hey, pretty lady.
Penny: Oh, you seem extra happy.
Leonard: Uh, I guess I am.
Penny: Any particular reason why?
Leonard: I don’t know, just having a good day. This morning Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work, so I got to listen to the radio. That was pretty crazy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything else?
Leonard: Mm. I found this quiz online called Which Star Trek Character Are You? and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk.
Penny: That’s great.
Leonard: Oh. It. Was.
Penny: Hmm. Well, I’m glad you’re having such a great day.
Leonard: Yeah. And the one thing that could make it even better is an evening with my special girl.
Penny: Oh, and who’s that?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Penny: Oh, I just didn’t know if you meant me or Alex.
Leonard: Um, why would I mean Alex?
Penny: Because I know she h*t on you and I know you liked it.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!
Leonard: I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.
Leonard: At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.
Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did you do?
Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.
Scene: The Human Resources Department.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.
HR Woman: Come in.
Sheldon: Hello.
HR Woman: Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat.
Sheldon: Thank you.
HR Woman: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.
Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.
HR Woman: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.
Sheldon: Like what?
HR Woman: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a sl*ve to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.
Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a sl*ve.
HR Woman: I’m a what?
Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…
HR Woman: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.
HR Woman (writing): Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?
Sheldon: Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t r*cist. He’s also brown.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.
Leonard (singing): I’m sorry Alex h*t on me, h*t on me, h*t on me. I’m sorry Alex h*t on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn’t have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard: You do that?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard: No, I’m not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.
Leonard: Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Penny: Good.
Leonard: Come here. Tell you a secret?
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Leonard: Message received. Ah, excuse me. (Answering phone) Hello. This is Dr. Hofstadter. Okay. All right, thank you. That’s weird. I’m getting called in to Human Resources.
Penny: What did you do?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.
Howard: Huh. I just got called in to Human Resources.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: I don’t know.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Huh. That is so strange. Human Resources wants to talk to me tomorrow. (To his dog) Could you stop licking your ass for two minutes? I have a problem here.
Scene: Human Resources department.
Howard: Do you really think you should be drinking right now?
Raj: How else am I supposed to talk to the Human Resources lady?
Howard: I don’t know. Seek professional help?
Raj: I did. The guy at the liquor store said this stuff tastes great in coffee.
Howard: Wait, you got called in, too? What is going on?
Leonard: Sheldon threw us all under the bus.
Howard: Oh.
Raj: I feel like I’ve been called down to the principal’s office. Although I wouldn’t mind if Brown Sugar suspended me. From a sex swing. This may have been a mistake.
Howard: Relax. Everything’s gonna be fine. Before I met Bernadette I was in here every other day. Uh, little tip, turn off your I Like Big Butts ringtone before you go in.
Raj: Well, this is all your fault.
Leonard: How is this my fault?
Raj: If you weren’t screwing around with Sheldon’s assistant, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: I wasn’t screwing around with anyone.
Raj: Oh, of course not. She was just sniffing around your goods because she was hunting for truffles.
HR Woman: Ah, Mr. Wolowitz, it’s been a while.
Howard: Hey, Janine. How are Tom and the kids?
Janine: Fine. You must be Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Yes, but I think this is all a big misunderstanding.
Raj: Yeah, yeah, me, too. I didn’t do anything.
Janine: Is that alcohol on your breath?
Raj: Howard built a sex robot.
Howard: That is not true. All I did was build a robot.
Janine: Did it have six breasts?
Howard: I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.
Sheldon: Well, hello.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.
Janine: And I’m a little busy right now.
Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.
Janine: And who was that?
Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.
Janine: That’s it. All of you, in my office now!
Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.
Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.
Alex: Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Leonard: Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
Penny: I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
Leonard: That’s great.
Penny: No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not k*ll yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard: Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
Penny: I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
Leonard: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard: To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x12 - The Egg Salad Equivalency"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is steaming a Star Trek uniform.
Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon: Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.
Penny: Hi. Here are the make-up sponges you asked for.
Leonard: Oh, thanks, I thought I had more.
Penny: Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.
Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon: That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard: That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard: Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.
Penny: Well, then why are you going?
Sheldon: It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.
Penny: All right. Well, you guys have fun. I guess I’ll see you Sunday night.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Oh, hang on a second. (Hands her the day’s newspaper) Hold this. (Photographs the two of them together)
Penny: What was that for?
Leonard: To show people when they don’t believe me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Oh, this is the best. You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday, you got a problem. You do it on the weekend, you got brunch.
Amy: Sheldon doesn’t believe in brunch. He can’t stand being at a table where one person’s having an omelette and another person’s having a sandwich.
Bernadette: He’s not exhausting at all.
Penny (receiving text): Oh. It’s Leonard. He says they’re on the road and headed for Bakersfield at warp speed. Maybe it’s the mimosa, but I’m gonna give the kid an LOL.
Bernadette: It’s cute how excited they are. You should have seen Howard sewing his costume all week for the convention.
Amy: When did Howard learn to sew?
Bernadette: When he was a little boy, every couple months, he would have to let his mom’s pants out.
Amy: I don’t even understand why they go to these conventions.
Penny: I know. The four of them work at a major university. They’re all super smart. How can they still be into something made for 12-year-olds?
Bernadette: I don’t mind it. I think Howie’s just in touch with his inner child. Although when he comes to bed in his Batman pyjamas, sometimes it feels like I’m touching his inner child.
Amy: It’s probably because they were bullied growing up. In a world where you can’t fight back, superheroes provide meaningful wish-fulfillment.
Penny: Mmmm. Now I feel bad for picking on all those kids. Although, in my defence, if Danny Biffle didn’t want to eat a mouthful of dirt, he shouldn’t have shown up to school wearing a bow tie.
Bernadette: I’ve never even read a comic book. You guys?
Penny: Uh-uh.
Amy: No.
Bernadette: I mean, it’s such an important part of their lives. Maybe we should try reading some.
Amy: Seriously?
Bernadette: The comic book store isn’t far from here.
Penny: That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.
Leonard: It is on.
Sheldon: But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.
Howard: Has it really only been ten miles?
Leonard: I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.
GPS (in Sheldon’s voice): Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.
Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.
Leonard: What did you do?
Sheldon: I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.
Raj: That is so cool.
Leonard: Counterpoint, no, it’s not.
GPS: Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Shh, he said it’s interesting.
GPS: Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs.
Howard: Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.
Raj: You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks.
Sheldon: Oh, they sh*t a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.
Howard: We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo sh**t.
Raj: Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fun.
Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.
GPS: Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.
Sheldon: None of you will get it. It’s Eisenhower.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in. Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh, hey. Could you please stop staring? They’re just girls. It’s nothing you haven’t seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: What brings you guys here?
Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don’t open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we’d give it a try.
Stuart: Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into? Superhero, fantasy, graphic novels, manga… I swear I will turn a hose on you.
Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: All right, well, who’s the best superhero?
Stuart: Shh! You can’t ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well then, what do you recommend?
Stuart: Well, uh, let’s see. You’ve got your basic clean-cut good guys, Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy: Ooh, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart: If I were you, I’d go for Fables number one. The artwork is sophisticated, it’s intelligently written, and it doesn’t objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: Ooh, Thor! He’s hot.
Stuart: Yeah, he kind of is.
Scene: Vasquez Rocks. Sheldon, dressed as Data, is having his makeup put on by Raj, dressed as Worf.
Raj: And we’re blending, and we’re blending, and we’re done.
Sheldon: I know Mr. Data isn’t supposed to smile, but here it comes.
Howard (dressed as a Borg): Come on, guys. Let’s do this.
Leonard (dressed as Captain Picard): Yeah, I’m sweating my bald cap off.
Howard: So what’s our first pose going to be?
Raj: I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene.
Leonard: I’ll set the timer.
Howard: Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?
Sheldon: Mr. Data’s w*apon is his mind. I’m wielding it.
Raj: Phasers on the Borg! Charlie’s Angels.
Howard: Okay, what’s next?
Raj: Now let’s do some sexy glamour sh*ts. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz…
Howard: Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car!
Leonard: What? Hey, hey! Come back here!
Raj: Stop!
Sheldon: Stealing is against the law!
Leonard: I don’t believe this.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Raj: I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants.
Howard: Oh, so is mine.
Leonard: Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas?
Sheldon: Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.
Scene: The side of the road.
Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?
Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?
Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault.
Sheldon: You’re right. Nice going.
Howard: Car.
Raj: What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop?
Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?
Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.
Howard: Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?
Leonard: Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.
Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: All right.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hmm, okay, I’m done. How did you guys finish so fast?
Bernadette: I don’t know, there were a lot of pictures, and one page only had the word brakkadoom!
Penny: Yeah, well, I have street smarts.
Bernadette: So, what’d you guys think?
Amy: Well, there was a lot of action.
Penny: Mmm.
Amy: And the story moved along at a brisk pace. It was, overall, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Penny: Stupid?
Amy: So stupid.
Penny: I don’t know how Leonard can get so caught up in this.
Bernadette: It’s crazy, they spend hours arguing about things that don’t even exist.
Amy: What a waste of time.
Penny: I know. A hammer so heavy that no one else can pick it up?
Bernadette: I don’t think it’s heavy. It’s some sort of magic, so only Thor can lift it.
Penny: That makes even less sense, I mean…
Amy: No, no, no, it doesn’t. Thor is a god. The hammer is his, only he can use it. It’s like Sheldon and his toothbrush. Or his thin, beckoning lips.
Penny: Okay, hang on, what if Thor’s hand is on the hammer? I mean, if he’s touching it with his god magic, does that mean I could lift it?
Bernadette: No.
Amy: Yes.
Penny: Well, which is it?
Amy: Maybe we missed something.
Bernadette: Let’s read it again.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: You want some tea?
Amy: Good idea. I’ll help you.
Penny: Wait, I thought we were reading.
Amy: We are. We’re just, uh, giving you a head start.
Scene: The desert.
Howard: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.
Raj: Wool pants in the desert. I feel like I’ve got poached testicles.
Leonard: Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.
Raj: Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.
Leonard: Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.
Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…
Guys in Passing Car (throwing a drink over Sheldon): Nerds!
Sheldon: I hate this planet.
Scene: Penny’s Apartment.
Amy: It says right here on the hammer, whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.
Bernadette: Hold on, who decides who’s worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Penny: Yes!
Amy: No! It can’t decide. It’s a hammer.
Penny: You said it’s a magic hammer.
Amy: Yeah, but, it can’t make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter’s wand can make decisions, why can’t Thor’s hammer?
Amy: Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.
Scene: A diner.
Sheldon: Hello. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, four glasses of water, please. Anything for you guys?
Leonard: Can I use your phone? Our car got stolen.
Waitress: Why don’t you ask Scotty to beam you up?
Sheldon: Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.
Howard: We’re not with him.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: You can’t pick something up in outer space. In space, there is no up.
Penny: Oh, yeah? Then how does the sun come up every day?
Amy: Hard to argue with those kind of street smarts.
Bernadette: Leonard and Sheldon have boxes of comics across the hall. Why don’t we go look at those?
Penny: Oh, great. Yes. And then you will see, I am not wrong, because if we were in outer space, then anyone could pick up the hammer because it would be floating around in a weightless environment. Yeah, that’s right, the slow reader used science. Suck on that.
Scene: The diner.
Policeman: Was there anything valuable in the car?
Leonard: Our clothes, our wallets, phones.
Raj: And about three hundred dollars worth of makeup, so this thief could look like anyone right now.
Policeman: Makeup? Sure.
Leonard: Uh, we’re going to the Comic-Con in Bakersfield. They have a big costume contest. It’s cooler than it sounds.
Policeman: I don’t know, sounds pretty cool.
Raj: It, it is. It’s not just comic books. They’ve got action figures, toys, a Tron-themed dance party.
Leonard: Okay, he gets how cool it is.
Policeman: I think I have all I need here. You guys need me to call someone? I’m guessing your moms?
Leonard: Thanks, but we’ve got it covered.
Howard: Okay, I just talked to my mom. She arranged for us to get a rental car.
Raj: Great. We can still make it to Comic-Con.
Leonard: Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home.
Raj: Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him.
Howard: I’m with Leonard. I’m done.
Raj: Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide?
Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.
Raj: What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.
Raj: Okay. Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise? Get it? Enterprise? Screw you. That’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Well, what if the Hulk picked up Thor while Thor is holding the hammer?
Amy: Yeah?
Bernadette: Then by the transitive property of picking things up, Hulk picked up the hammer.
Amy: No. Hulk picked up Thor, Thor picked up the hammer.
Penny: Okay, hang on. If I go to a bar and pick up a guy, and he picks up a girl, and then we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?
Amy: Did that ever happen?
Penny: Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Well, I say that’s the last time we ever go outside.
Amy (off): Look, right here. Red Hulk is picking up Thor’s hammer ’cause Thor’s touching it.
Penny (off): No, it’s because they’re in space. He’s really just touching the strap.
Amy(off): The strap is part of the hammer.
Bernadette (off): No, it’s not!
Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can’t be right.
Howard: Maybe Thor’s Hammer is a new colour of nail polish.
Bernadette (off): Then Red Hulk must be worthy.
Penny (off): How could Red Hulk be worthy?
Bernadette (off): You don’t know his life.
Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.
Raj: If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.
Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?
Leonard: I say we investigate.
Sheldon: Wait. They might be hostile.
Leonard: Fine, but set them to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I’ll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
GPS: Fun fact, President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act from his hospital room.
First Car Thief: Wow, that is interesting.
Second Car Thief: You learn something new every day.
GPS: Say, can you name the four state capitols that are not served by the interstate system?
First Car Thief: Ooh, another quiz.
Second Car Thief: Yes! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x13 - The Bakersfield Expedition"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold.
Sheldon: I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.
Penny: It’s hot when Sheldon talks dirty.
Raj: So, I found this Web site where you send them pictures, they sculpt your head and make an action figure out of you. How awesome is that?
Howard: Let me see.
Raj: Yeah, you can pick your wardrobe. You can even choose your accessories.
Howard: Leonard, you can get a little asthma inhaler.
Leonard: Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think?
Penny: Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one.
Leonard: Yeah, so, I’m out.
Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Don’t waste my time.
Leonard: You get that these are personalised action figures.
Penny: Honey, if you want one, just get one.
Howard: You’re still out, right?
Leonard: Yep.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!
Kripke: Cooper?
Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.
Kripke: What’s that?
Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?
Kripke: I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.
Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.
Kripke: No, they’re making us work together.
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Leonard: Hmm. Kind of a strange place to put a picture of you and Bernadette.
Howard: Well, I wanted everybody to know I love my wife. And nobody to know I forgot to turn off the laser.
Raj: They’re here. Our action figures have arrived. This is the best five hundred dollars I’ve ever spent.
Leonard: A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that?
Howard: Easy. His family’s loaded, and Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.
Raj: Say hello to an exact scale model of me. Oh, I’m not dark chocolate. I’m melt-in-your-mouth caramel.
Howard: Oh, man. Look at my nose.
Leonard: Maybe it’s a shipping problem.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
Raj: This sucks.
Howard: I can’t believe I wasted all that money.
Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn’t let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
Leonard: Well, sometimes there’s a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
Penny: Yeah, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
Leonard: They could show bloopers. Oh, no.
Penny: What is that?
Leonard: That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place.
Penny: Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him?
Leonard: Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?
Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie?
Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.
Leonard: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.
Leonard: So, cocoa?
Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?
Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me!
Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.
Penny: What beverage do you make for that?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?
Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.
Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.
Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours.
Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.
Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.
Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?
Kripke: How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine?
Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.
Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?
Sheldon: Fine.
Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper.
Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.
Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper.
Sheldon: Very well.
Kripke: If this one’s bwank, too, I’m going to be fuwious.
Sheldon: Fine.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Raj: You! Always bet on black.
Howard: Get that waste of money out of my face.
Raj: It’s only a waste of money if we don’t play with them. (As doll) He’s right, dawg.
Howard: Please, I’m working.
Raj: You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us.
Howard: Oh, yeah? How’s that?
Raj: Two words, 3-D printer. Wait, maybe it’s three words. No, hang on. Okay, one word, a letter and a number and maybe a hyphen. 3-D printer.
Howard: I have always wanted a 3-D printer.
Raj: Of course you have. They’re an engineer’s dream. Anything you can design, a 3-D printer can make out of plastic.
Howard: Yeah, but they’re so expensive.
Raj: Oh, come on. You deserve one. You’ve worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money.
Howard: Well, the prices have been coming down.
Raj: Oh, true. They’re practically giving them away. You know, in exchange for money.
Howard: And we can make stuff we need for work with it. Prototypes of my CAD/CAM designs, specialized tools…
Raj: Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitchin’ dream house.
Howard: We don’t need Malibu Koothrappali’s dream house.
Raj: Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Sheldon, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.
Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon: What do we have to lose?
Amy: How’s that?
Sheldon: I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late.
Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.
Leonard: You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke.
Sheldon: No, look.
Leonard: 128.
Sheldon: See?
Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea?
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.
Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.
Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.
Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch.
Leonard: How did I do that? I got to remember how I did that.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Howard: Do you realize, by owning a 3-D printer, we are reclaiming the manufacturing process and taking jobs back from sweatshops in China?
Raj: I think this thing was made in China.
Howard: Eh, what can you do?
Raj: Ooh, I, I think it’s done. Oh, it worked. We printed a whistle.
Howard: Amazing. You realize these things go for 25 cents a pop at a party store.
Raj: And we made it in only three hours. Sounds just like store-bought.
Howard: Okay, give me a superhero pose, and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure.
Raj: Oh, I wish I was in better shape.
Howard: Stop holding your stomach in. I’ll give you a six-pack with the computer.
Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.
Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.
Kripke: Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is.
Sheldon: We do?
Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.
Sheldon: So?
Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.
Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.
Kripke: You wucky bastard.
Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.
Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.
Sheldon: I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Oh, good, you’re home. Got a little surprise for you.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: Say hello to my little friend.
Bernadette: Oh, my God. That’s so cute. I didn’t think there could be a smaller version of you.
Howard: I know, right? And, thanks to photographs and a little 3-D modeling, here comes the bride.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these.
Howard: I thought you might.
Bernadette: Were they expensive?
Howard: Didn’t cost a thing. I made them myself.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3-D printer for $5,000.
Bernadette: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind?
Howard: Not just for a couple of dolls. For as many dolls as we want. And whistles.
Bernadette: At any point, did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money?
Howard: It’s kind of dawning on me now.
Bernadette: I don’t believe you. Howie, we can’t afford to waste money on junk like this.
Howard: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.
Bernadette: I make plenty of money. You make peanuts.
Howard: Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works.
Bernadette: No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?
Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.
Leonard: Is my coitus whimsically inventive?
Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.
Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy?
Sheldon: That’s awfully personal.
Leonard: We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.
Penny: Then what’s the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?
Sheldon: It’s a possibility.
Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Fine.
Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God!
Leonard: Ow!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Are you sure you want to do this? Give up your half of the 3-D printer?
Howard: Yes. And can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money.
Raj: Wow, that’s harsh.
Howard: Tell me about it.
Raj: Aren’t you gonna eat lunch?
Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.
Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night?
Sheldon: Yes.
Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh?
Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…
Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie?
Sheldon: I didn’t notice.
Kripke: How could you not notice?
Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.
Kripke: Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper!
Sheldon: Can we get back to work?
Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys?
Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed.
Kripke: A wocket? You’we a fweak! I wove it! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x14 - The Cooper/Kripke Inversion"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.
Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.
Leonard: Why would you say that?
Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.
Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.
Sheldon: Good.
Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.
Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.
Leonard: That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard: Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement.
Sheldon: You pick that up right now.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.
Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.
Sheldon: Crazy bastard?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Here you go.
Howard: Great. Come on in.
Raj: What, you don’t say thank you?
Howard: It’s my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle. So, is everyone from Bernadette’s company going to Vegas?
Howard: No, just me, her and a couple of the big wigs. It’s part of a bonus she got.
Raj: Cool. Did she discover a cure for something?
Howard: Not exactly. They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible a**l leakage.
Raj: Is there a good a**l leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie’s idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.
Howard: Hey, I got a favour to ask.
Raj: Sure.
Howard: My mom’s been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There’s nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She’s huge. It was funny. Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she’s doing okay.
Raj: Dude, I’m a single man. Saturday night is my party night.
Howard: Really? What do you got going on?
Raj: I don’t know, maybe drive down to Hollywood, h*t a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callender’s, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Raj:What time should I be at your mother’s?
Howard: I told her around seven.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard: Well, I’ve had it. I am done. I can’t, I can’t live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it’s, it’s great. It’s terrific. I, you know, I just can’t help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how’s he going to get by without you? Ernie.
Leonard: He’s got Amy now.
Penny: Yeah, he does, but it’s not the same.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Um, well, um, all right. You, you know how in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ron didn’t abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron’s sister?
Leonard: Harry and Ginny get together?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert. My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can’t do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his stooge, his doormat.
Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain’t broke.
Leonard: Wow. It sounds to me like you don’t want us to live together.
Penny: No. No, no, I do. I do. It’s just, I mean, it’s a really big step.
Leonard: Is it? We’re together all the time. Financially, it makes great sense. Can you think of one reason why we shouldn’t do this?
Penny: Well, um, I’m just a little thirsty.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: I got nothing.
Leonard: Great. I’ll go get my stuff.
Penny: Yeah. Okay, all right, don’t freak out. You can make this work.
Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine.
Penny: Oh, please let some of it be Xanax.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you ready for dessert?
Raj: No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I’m going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I’m a fireman rescuing an infant.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, please. You’re a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.
Raj: Well, I, I really couldn’t. But, uh, I’ve had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you’ve had removed from your body over the years. Didn’t know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls. Well, if you have to go, how about I put a little doggie bag together for you?
Raj: That would be lovely. Thank you. (Sound of crying) Mrs. Wolowitz, uh, are you okay?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t mind me. I just cry when I’m lonely and have nothing to live for.
Raj: I, uh, I suppose I could stay for some dessert.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Great. You like chocolate chip cheesecake?
Raj: Sure.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll make one.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
Amy: So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward?
Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog-boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.
Amy: Great. Here I am!
Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy: Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea.
Sheldon: Um…
Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon: Um…
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.
Leonard: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.
Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.
Penny: Hey. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him.
Penny: Really? Interesting.
Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?
Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.
Penny: Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine.
Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.
Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.
Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.
Penny: That is the worst, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.
Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?
Sheldon: Um…
Scene: Howard’s old bedroom. A phone is ringing.
Raj: Hello?
Howard: Hey. How’d it go last night with my mom?
Raj: Okay, I guess.
Howard: What time did you leave?
Raj: Actually, I’m still here.
Howard: What? You spent the night?
Raj: Yeah. Uh, after dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files, and then she opened a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing I know, she was tucking me into your bed.
Howard: You wore my pyjamas?
Raj: Mm-hmm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed, like, three times.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh! You up? You ready for breakfast?
Raj: Oh, boy. Breakfast.
Howard: Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there.
Raj: But I have a cream sherry hangover and I smell blintzes.
Howard: If you don’t leave now, she’ll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest of your life.
Raj: Oh, Howard, stop.
Howard: Trust me, you’re not Jewish. That’s how they get you.
Raj: You’re being silly. I can leave whenever I want.
Howard: Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes?
Raj: They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.
Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.
Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.
Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.
Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.
Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.
Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?
Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.
Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.
Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.
Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.
Penny: Yeah. And who knows how Amy will react.
Scene: A hotel room.
Howard: Here’s some more ice.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.
Bernadette: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy.
Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you’d be doing us both a favour. (Phone)
Howard: Hey, Raj. What’s up?
Raj: You were right. I can’t get out of here.
Howard: You’re still at my mother’s?
Raj: I’m trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do?
Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one.
Raj: Come on, Howard, help me.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh, tatellah, I ran you a bath.
Raj: Oh, my God. She’s not gonna bathe me, is she?
Howard: Gee, I wish I could tell you no. All right, well, thanks again for helping me out.
Raj: But, Howard…
Bernadette: Should we go back and rescue him?
Howard: It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.
Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?
Amy: Yes. I did good, right?
Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?
Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.
Amy: And this is Amy.
Sheldon: We’re not home right now.
Amy: ‘Cause we out dropping science, son.
Together: Leave a message.
Amy: Beep.
Sheldon: You can’t live here.
Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.
Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.
Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon: You did.
Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.
Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, Ames.
Amy: Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear I can’t ’cause you don’t want to live with Leonard.
Leonard (off): What?
Penny: Sheldon, what did you say?
Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.
Leonard: Since when don’t you want to live with me?
Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.
Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?
Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.
Amy: You’re a coward.
Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that.
Penny: Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are.
Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.
Penny: Um…
Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking d*ad?
Leonard: ‘Kay.
Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn’t. Let’s find out.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Raj is climbing out of the window.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where you going?
Raj (screams): No! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x15 - The Spoiler Alert Segmentation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You’ll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: This old guy was choking on his food, and I saved his life.
Leonard: You’re kidding. Did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No. I said, oh, my God, I think that old guy’s choking, and then one of the busboys Heimlich’ed him.
Leonard: You’re a hero.
Penny: Yeah, that was the point of the story.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, speaking of work, do you know if you have Thursday night off?
Penny: Um, I think so. Why?
Leonard: What do you mean, why? It’s Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh, right. Yeah, we can do something.
Leonard: You could be a little more into it.
Penny: No, I’m into it, I’m into it. Just, there’s so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard: Okay, well, this time it’s going to be different. Because I am like a romance ninja. You don’t see it coming, and then bam, romance, watch out, hearts, kisses, love, ooh-ya!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard (on phone): Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay.
Raj: Everything okay?
Howard: Bernie’s a little cranky since she’s been working, like, 17 hours a day. And I’ve got a lot on my plate, too, because I’ve been busting my tail playing Assassin’s Creed.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine’s Day?
Stuart: Not really. Other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and white-knuckling it till morning. What do you got going on?
Raj: Oh, well, I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but, uh, she got worms, and then I had to take her to the vet.
Stuart: There must be something we can do.
Raj: Well, uh, how about you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don’t have dates?
Stuart That actually sounds kind of nice.
Raj: Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
Stuart: That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.
Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Leonard: Hey, you coming to lunch?
Howard: Yeah, one second. Come here. I want to show you something.
Leonard: What you looking at?
Howard: Well, I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine’s Day since she’s been such a pain in the ass.
Leonard: You can’t find a card that says that?
Howard: Check it out. I used the atomic force microscope in the material science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard: Oh, that’s cool.
Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband. That is amazing. How long did this take you?
Howard: Mmm, about twelve hours. I pulled an all-nighter.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Howard: Yeah, I know, it really took a bite out of my video game time. What are you and Penny doing?
Leonard: Oh, I’m going to take her to a nice restaurant for dinner.
Howard: Oh, that’s not bad, but as far as romance goes, I think my gift hits it right out of… (Bumps into chair and drops the slide)
Leonard: Want to come to dinner with us?
Howard: Yes, please.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.
Alex: Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.
Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy h*t the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.
Alex: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.
Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
Alex: No, I just thought it would be…
Sheldon: Next.
Alex: Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales.
Sheldon: Mmm.
Alex: So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex: I don’t know how to respond to that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.
Alex: Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.
Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Alex: Thank you.
Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.
Alex: What about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: It’s too late. I call dibs.
Scene: a restaurant.
Penny: This place is really beautiful.
Leonard: Waugh, romance ninja.
Penny: Hey.
Howard: Sorry we’re late.
Penny: No problem. We just sat down.
Leonard: Mmm, would you like some wine?
Bernadette: Yeah, fill her up. I’ll tell you when to stop.
Penny: Is everything okay?
Howard: Terrific. Couldn’t be better.
Bernadette: Oh, bite me.
Howard: Look, we can still have a nice night. Just tell me where it is.
Bernadette: Maybe if you did what you said you were going to do, I’d tell you.
Leonard: Uh, where what is?
Howard: She hid my Xbox like I’m a child. Yeah, and my mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don’t give it back, I’m telling.
Bernadette: I’ve been working late every night. All I asked was that he clean the apartment and do one load of laundry. But did he do it? No. He just kept on playing that stupid game. You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry doesn’t clean my underpants, buddy.
Howard: I told you, turn them inside out.
Bernadette: And I told you to bite me.
Leonard: Trying to have a magical night here, guys.
Penny: Oh, son of a bitch.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Nothing. Nothing.
Leonard: No, tell me.
Penny: It’s just this guy I used to date.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who’s here with him now.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Penny: And it looks like she lost a lot of weight, damn it.
Leonard: I know it’s not ideal, but don’t let them ruin our night.
Penny: No, you’re totally right. She could be skinny ’cause she’s dying.
Leonard: That’s the spirit.
Penny: You know what, screw them. Our night is going to be way more special than theirs.
Leonard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Uh-oh.
Penny: What? (Penny’s ex is proposing to Gretchen) Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Gretchen: Oh, my God, yes. Of course I’ll marry you.
Leonard: Two can play this game. Penny…
Penny: Get up.
Leonard: All right.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: It’s nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine’s Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. In fact, there’s no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.
Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh, yeah, think about it. We’d hang out, we’d read comic books, we’d see movies. It’d be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I’d take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: Oh, I can’t believe he’s going to marry the girl he cheated on me with.
Leonard: Isn’t it kind of nice? I mean, he was with the wrong person, and now he found the right person.
Penny: What, so I’m the wrong person? Maybe you want to be with Gretchen, too.
Bernadette: They do look happy.
Howard: Yeah, maybe tonight. But a year from now, he’ll be crawling under the sink looking for his Xbox. Well, he will.
Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just forget about them and enjoy our Valentine’s Day?
Penny: Yes, absolutely. Now they’re doing that phony link-arm-drink thingy. I totally taught him that.
Leonard: I thought we were letting it go.
Penny: We were; it’s just, it’s not fair, okay? They’re bad people. It’s not supposed to end happy for them, it’s supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you. You’re here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard: Okay, this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t make this about you.
Leonard: Oh, I’m not. It’s about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you, Valentine’s Day sucks.
Leonard: This one does, and you’re the reason why.
Penny: What?
Bernadette: You know, compared to them, I’m feeling pretty good about us.
Howard: Me, too. How about we blow off dessert, go home early, I’ll do that laundry.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: Love you, too.
Howard: So where’d you hide it?
Bernadette: Where you’d never look.
Howard: Damn it, it’s in the washing machine.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?
Amy: Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.
Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.
Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star w*r Trek things.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it?
Sheldon: More than anything.
Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy: What’s this?
Sheldon: Read it.
Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon: At the bottom.
Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.
Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy: And you picked me.
Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Night.
Leonard: Yep. You know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night, and it’s like you-you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yeah, I know. I’m a total bitch.
Leonard: I’m not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard: Fine, you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn’t we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Leonard: Okay, you’re gonna have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you, and eventually I’m gonna end up saying yes, and then we’re gonna be married forever, and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Leonard: Okay. I know I propose a lot. So how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What, what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard: No. No, no, no, no. But if someday you decide you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yes. It’s all on you. But I got to tell you, when the time comes, I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard: And I’m cool with surprises. But nothing on a Jumbotron. I don’t want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: Okay. You know what? This might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry. Maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja. Let’s have sex. Waugh!
Scene: The comic book store.
Nerdy guy: Thank you, guys, for doing this.
Raj: We’re glad you could make it.
Nerdy guy: Usually I spend Valentine’s Day sad and alone. This year, I’m just sad.
Raj: What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?
Stuart: I know. I hate myself most of the time, but tonight’s the night I know everyone else does, too.
Nerdy guy: I think you’re cool.
Stuart: Great.
Raj: I got to tell you, we’ve got to stop beating ourselves up like this. Excuse me, everybody. Can I have your attention, please? We’re all here tonight because we have no one to be with. But that doesn’t make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. We’ve got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we’re in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let’s give ourselves a break. We are a community, and as long as we have each other, we’re never truly alone.
Girl: That was cool. What you said.
Raj: You really think so?
Girl: Yeah, I do.
Raj: Thank you. Uh, would you like to, uh, get a cup, a cup of coffee or…?
Girl: Okay.
Raj: Later, losers!
Scene: Amy’s lab. Phone rings.
Amy: Hello? Another medical emergency? What’s wrong with him now? I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider. How exactly does a bump feel Asian? Just put him on the phone. Sheldon, I am not driving over there again. Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumour that turned out to be an ice cream headache. Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact. Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumour. I’m on my way. Brain tumour would explain a lot. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x16 - The Tangible Affection Proof"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: (After a “previously on” sequence) A coffee shop
Raj: So then I went to Cambridge, which was wonderful not only because it’s a good school but because it totally looks like Hogwarts. That’s where I fell in love with astronomy, and now I’m an astrophysicist at Caltech, so I guess you could say, uh, Raj is my name and stars are my game. And rhyming is also my game. So, uh, two games. Uh, anyway, that, that’s enough about me. I want to hear everything about you.
Girl: I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj: I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I’ve had it checked out, it’s nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did sh**t one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly r*cist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.
Penny: Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.
Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.
Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute?
Sheldon: What’s wrong?
Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.
Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.
Penny: Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.
Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?
Penny: Let’s try open.
Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon: Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.
Scene: Outside Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I’m telling you, something’s wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette: Geez, how close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard: Don’t look under that rock. (Knocking) Raj, you okay?
Howard: You in there?
Raj (off): Go away!
Leonard: Come on, buddy, open up.
Howard: We’re worried about you.
Raj (off): Oh, just because I’ve stopped going to work and answering my phone you think something bad happened? Maybe something good happened.
Bernadette: Did something good happen?
Raj (off): Of course not. Nothing good ever happens. (Opens door. He is wearing a stained vest, his hair is unkempt, and he is drinking wine from a bottle.)
Leonard: Whoa.
Raj: What?
Leonard: Nope, just, just, whoa.
Bernadette: It smells pretty ripe in here. You kind feel it in your eyes.
Leonard: Raj, what’s going on?
Raj: I was humiliated by yet another woman.
Howard: You didn’t k*ll her and chop her up, that’s not what we’re smelling, right?
Raj: No. I took her for coffee, and she snuck out the bathroom window to get away from me.
Bernadette: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: I went and looked. It was a high and tiny window. She must have been very motivated.
Howard: I’m sorry. That’s awful, but come on, you got to shake it off.
Leonard: Yeah, you can’t stay in your apartment for the rest of your life.
Raj: Why not? With online shopping and overnight delivery, I can get anything I want. Look, I just ordered a case of Dinty Moore beef stew and two live lobsters on Amazon.
Leonard: Lobsters overnight?
Howard: Oh, you’re kidding. Let me see. Well, I’ll be. Look, you can throw in a couple steaks and have a surf and turf.
Leonard: The surf and turf sounds good. See if they have corn on the cob.
Bernadette: Guys, we’re trying to get him out of here, not you in.
Raj: You’re wasting your time. Just please, leave me alone.
Howard: Now what?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Bernadette: We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy: Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.
Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.
Amy: Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny?
Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.
Amy: Subtle, but powerful.
Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.
Amy: Did you tell Penny how helpful she was?
Sheldon: Why would I do that?
Amy: Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, hi. What’s up?
Sheldon: Um…
Penny: You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?
Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.
Penny: Okay. So, what do you need?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock)Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.
Penny: Aw, sweetie, you just made my day.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.
Sheldon: Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): That’s right. They’re no good without the lighter.
Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.
Amy: Why? What happened?
Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.
Sheldon: Oh, so many crazy rules.
Amy: That better be Tootsie Rolls you’re throwing at me!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.
Penny: Hey, I don’t want you to go any more.
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to.
Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?
Penny: Okay. Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?
Penny: Oh, for God’s sake, just come to the play.
Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.
Howard: He’s just decided he’s never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.
Howard: He’s upset because he can’t get anywhere with women.
Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.
Girl: Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was here the other night at your party.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, you left with Raj.
Girl: Uh, yeah.
Howard: You’re the one? Okay, let me tell you something. That guy you blew off happens to be my best friend. Okay? He was devastated.
Girl: Sorry. Can you just give him this?
Howard: Okay. But I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you’re only gonna get, like, three or four more chances before you are history.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Come on, she came back. This is good news. You should celebrate.
Raj: I don’t want to celebrate.
Howard: Not even a little? I mean, we could have a pants party. Go put some on.
Raj: Why would I want her number? I don’t want anything to do with this woman.
Howard: Oh, come on, Raj.
Raj: No, you don’t get it. I want nothing to do with any woman. My heart is stone. From now on, I’m a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.
Howard: Boy, I want to tell you it’s her loss, but you are not making it easy.
Raj: You’re, you’re a good friend for trying to help, but, I’ve made my choice.
Howard: All right. Well, I’ll see you around.
Raj: See you. No, wait, take her number. I don’t want the temptation.
Howard: Okay.
Raj: I must be strong so I don’t stray from my true purpose, the study of the universe.
Howard: All right. Thanks for ruining lobster for me.
Scene: Outside on the street.
Raj: Wait! Give me the number! Give me the number! Give me the number!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Amy, what’s going on with your addiction study?
Amy: Sadly, I’m no longer associated with that project.
Leonard: Why? What happened?
Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.
Leonard: I’m sorry. That I asked.
Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.
Leonard: Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy.
Sheldon: Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now?
Leonard: Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.
Amy: Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.
Sheldon: It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)
Scene: Outside Raj’s apartment. The girl from the comic book store knocks on the door.
Raj: Just a sec. Oh, who says just a sec? I hate myself. Hello.
Girl: Hi.
Raj: Uh, would you like to come in?
Girl: Oh, no, I can’t stay.
Raj: Oh.
Girl: I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn’t cool. So, uh, yeah. I’m sorry.
Raj: Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It’s okay. I can take anything. Unless it’s something I did, or said, or am. ‘Cause those are, like, my buttons.
Girl: No, it’s not any of that. It’s just, I kind of have a hard time around people I don’t know.
Raj: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
Girl: I’ve been trying to force myself into situations that I’m not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window, and I made myself go in. I don’t even like comic books.
Raj: Yeah, me neither.
Girl: Then what were you doing there?
Raj: I lied. I love them. I only said that so you’d go out with me.
Girl: Oh, you don’t want to do that. I’m kind of broken.
Raj: That’s great. I’m broken, too.
Girl: Oh, no, you’re not.
Raj: Oh, I totally am. If it wasn’t for this beer, I couldn’t even talk to you right now. I’m a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Girl: Well, how do I know you’re not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date, and I promise you, you’ll see.
Girl: Okay. Text me. Bye.
Raj: You won’t regret it. I’m the most pathetic guy you’ve ever met. And that, boys and girls, is how it’s done.
Scene: The theatre.
Penny (as Blanche DuBois) : You love her very much, don’t you?
Actor (as Mitch): Yes.
Penny: I think you have a great capacity for devotion. You’ll be lonely when she passes on, won’t you? I understand what that is.
Actor: To be lonely?
Leonard: She’s pretty good, huh?
Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny (as Blanche): …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon: She’s remarkable.
Leonard: She really is.
Amy: Our Penny’s a star.
Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x17 - The Monster Isolation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: Look, I know you guys don’t want to do this, but we have no choice. So, you can either bitch and whine or we can just get it over with.
Howard: I got whine.
Sheldon: I got the B word.
Leonard: Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.
Howard: Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.
Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.
Leonard: Helping women? Y
Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.
Leonard: Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?
Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.
Leonard: You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.
Sheldon: I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.
Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.
Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.
Leonard: Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this.
Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.
Leonard: Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.
Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.
Howard: Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s f*re up the old Xbox.
Leonard: Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.
Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.
Howard: So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids?
Sheldon: No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game
Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.
Howard: Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.
Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.
Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.
Leonard: That’s actually good. Why didn’t I think of that?
Sheldon: Some people are otters, some people are rocks.
Leonard: I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run.
Howard: Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.
Leonard: That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.
Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.
Howard: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon: How do I get 12-year-old girls excited.
Leonard and Howard (together): No!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Thanks again for letting me crash girls’ night.
Penny: Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I’ve slept with guys for less. It’s a joke. Based on real events.
Raj: Anyway, I was hoping I could, uh, pick your brains a little. I’m supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a k*ller first date.
Amy: Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady n the face of danger, so I recommend an unsafe environment. Seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks, picnic near a lunatic asylum, a wine tasting on Skid Row.
Raj: Uh, Lucy has some, uh, social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Bernadette: Why don’t you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain, you’re in the dark, she’s holding onto you.
Penny: Yeah, but you just have to remember, that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got your clothes back on. It’s a joke. Based on real events.
Raj: Mm, Disneyland? I don’t know. With all the crowds and the weird characters walking around, just reminds me too much of India.
Amy: I haven’t been to Disneyland since I was a kid. We should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So, blow off work, go on a weekday.
Amy: Hooky? I’ve never played hooky in my life. My mom said that’s how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: It’s more like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a 34-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.
Bernadette: So, what do you say? This Friday we ditch work and go to Disneyland?
Penny: I’m in.
Amy: Me, too.
Raj: Excuse me, I thought we were trying to solve my problem?
Penny: Oh, yeah, right. Wait, what was your problem again?
Raj: I am a man who can’t talk to women, trying to figure out how to go on a romantic date with a girl who suffers from such crippling social anxiety she can’t be around other people.
Penny: Yeah, that’s a toughie.
Bernadette: Let’s think.
Amy: Hmm. We doing just Disney or California Adventure, too?
Scene: A school hallway.
Leonard: It’s nice of your old school to let us try out our science talk on some female students.
Howard: Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial k*ller who ate all those prost*tute.
Sheldon: This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard: Yeah, last time I was here, I was just a scrawny little nerd.
Leonard: And now you’re also an astronaut.
Howard: So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey.
Kid: What?
Howard: Nothing.
Sheldon: Smart. We don’t want any problems.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Amy: I can’t believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
Bernadette: What did you tell your boss?
Amy: Oh, I was very clever, I did it in stages. At seven o’clock last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood. At nine thirty, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird. At eleven thirty, I called and said I was throwing up like a f*re hose. At twelve forty-five, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds, and now I’m going to Disneyland.
Bernadette: Penny, what did you say?
Penny: I work at the Cheesecake Factory, I said bye.
Amy: So, what are we gonna do first?
Bernadette: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m gonna make a beeline for the place that gives you a princess makeover.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds like fun.
Penny: You’re kidding, right? We’re not just gonna get drunk and go on rides?
Amy: Come on, do it with us.
Penny: All right, whatever. How does it work?
Bernadette: Okay, so, you pick your princess, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, they give you hair, makeup, the works.
Penny: Guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.
Amy: Oh, I want to be Cinderella, too.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: We can’t all be Cinderella.
Amy: Then how do we decide?
Bernadette: Well, it’s simple. This was my idea. I’m driving. I’m Cinderella. You bitches got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.
Scene: A library.
Raj: Excuse me, I’m meeting a girl here. It’s kind of our first date.
Man: In a library?
Raj: She and I are both a little awkward in social situations, so this seemed like a good idea.
Man: People say I’m a little awkward, too. May I join you?
Raj: No, you can’t join us. Just go, go climb back up whatever beanstalk you came down from.
Man (to Lucy): You can do better.
Lucy: Oh, we’re eating here? (Reading) We’re having a texting date? (By text) I love that.
Raj (by text): As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.
Scene: A classroom.
Leonard: Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?
Later.
Howard: The thing to remember is you can go to outer space, too. I mean, look at me. I went to this very school. Those desks you’re sitting in, I was once superglued to one of them.
Girl: Did you go to the moon?
Howard: No, but I did go to the International Space Station.
Girl: Did you fly the rocket?
Howard: No, but I was in the rocket. I didn’t actually…
Girl: So you just flew around? That’s kind of like my uncle. He’s a flight attendant.
Howard: No, I’m an American hero. Your uncle brings people nuts, okay?
Leonard: Alright, alright. Boy, we are learning a lot here, huh? Thank you, astronaut Howard. Um, I am what’s called an experimental physicist, which is super-fun, because I get to test theories and work with lasers. Yes?
Girl 2: How did you decide to become a scientist?
Leonard: Uh, excellent question. Um, I suppose I’ve always been into science, you know. My mother and father are scientists, so I was kind of led in that direction. Uh, pushed might be a better way to describe it. To be honest with you guys, when I was your age, I wanted to be a rap star. Like Snoop Dogg, but with a healthy respect for the police. Yeah, no, sure, you laugh. Just like my mother did. After I confided, I was derided and chided, my moms and I collided. She said my dreams were misguided. That’s just a little freestyle.
Scene: The library.
Raj (by text): My dad’s a gynaecologist in India, so if you’re over there and need a check up, as he likes to say, he’s at your cervix.
Lucy(by text): That’s terrible. Your dad should be sent to the pun-itentiary.
Raj (by text): That’s a fitting pun-ishment. I still don’t know what you do for a living.
Lucy (by text): Web design.
Raj (by text): Anything I might have seen?
Lucy (by text): I don’t know. You ever look at p*rn Web sites?
Raj (by text): No, never. What is p*rn?
Lucy (by text): Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say prom Web sites.
Raj (by text): Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it’s like a fairy tale come to life. Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say, I like sports.
Scene: The classroom.
Leonard: I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?
Howard: Quick, pull the f*re alarm. Let’s get out of here.
Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?
Amy (voice): We’re here.
Sheldon: Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.
Amy: It’s our pleasure. I’m Dr. Fowler, and I’m a neuroscientist.
Bernadette: And I’m Dr. Rostenkowski Wolowitz, and I’m a microbiologist.
Amy: The world of science needs more women, but from a young age, we girls are encouraged to care more about the way we look than about the power of our minds.
Bernadette: That’s true. Every one of you has the capacity to be anything you want to be.
Penny: Unless you want to be Cinderella.
Bernadette: Come at me. See what happens.
Scene: The library.
Raj (by text): This was really fun.
Lucy : My battery’s dying, so I’m just gonna talk. Thanks for today. I’ve been trying to do more things that scare me, and coming here was definitely one of them. But it was also really nice. So thanks, and, um, I’m gonna go. Maybe I could do one more scary thing before I go and give you a kiss good-bye? You know, if that’s okay. Okay. Panic att*ck. Maybe next time.
Raj: I’m counting that as foreplay.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Bernie, I’m home. You have fun today?
Bernadette: Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
Howard: Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
Bernadette: Well, hello, Prince Charming.
Howard: Milady.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, how was your… what?
Penny: I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got… What are you doing?
Leonard (undressing): Disneyland. Go on, I’m listening.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
Sheldon: Heard you the first time. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x18 - The Contractual Obligation Implementation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: What you doing?
Howard: You said clean up. I’m cleaning up.
Bernadette: You can’t just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can’t do both. This isn’t sex.
Bernadette: What if someone looks in there?
Howard: They’re just coming over for dinner. No one’s gonna look in the closet.
Bernadette: Well, you don’t know that. What if someone’s looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Howard: Could work out. For all we know there’s a toilet in there somewhere.
Bernadette: Fine. But after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.
Bernadette: He’s our guest, we can’t just ask him to straighten our closet.
Howard: No, we wouldn’t ask him. We’d just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
Later.
Howard: Hey, guys, come on in.
All: Hi.
Penny: Ooh, it smells good.
Bernadette: Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.
Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s my pleasure.
Sheldon: No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own.
Bernadette: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I’ve been cooking all day.
Sheldon: Well, now don’t you feel silly.
Bernadette: Show him the closet.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette.
Bernadette: That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought.
Raj: Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.
Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?
Howard: Colour’s fine.
Sheldon: Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally.
Penny: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?
Amy: Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.
Amy: His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.
Scene: The closet.
Leonard: Sheldon, come on. It’s getting late. Time to go.
Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.
Leonard: That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.
Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?
Howard: You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.
Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye.
Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?
Howard: Juggle.
Sheldon: You health nuts k*ll me.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.
Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…
Howard: Whoa, you opened this?
Sheldon: Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…
Howard: I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home.
Bernadette: Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?
Howard: If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.
Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?
Howard: Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thanks. Oh. Great party.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You know, when I first met Howard, he would pull his scrotum out of his shorts and say, aw, I sat in gum.
Penny: What is your point?
Leonard: Well, it’s just kind of weird how grown up he is now. Happily married guy throwing dinner parties.
Penny: Really? You couldn’t just say that? You had to tell the scrotum story?
Leonard: Trying to paint a picture.
Penny: It was a nice change of pace not eating takeout around a coffee table.
Leonard: Mm, you know, we could throw a dinner party, too. Maybe even ask everyone to get dressed up.
Penny: Sure. Just, when you say dressed up, you mean nice clothes, right? Not, like, capes and tights and crap?
Leonard: Yeah. Although…
Penny: No.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Howie, you okay?
Howard: Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.
Bernadette: Told you you shouldn’t have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big, but it’s not worth it.
Howard: It’s this stupid letter.
Bernadette: Did you read it?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: You must be curious.
Howard: Of course I’m curious. I haven’t seen the man since, oh, I was a little kid. And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday? What’s that about?
Bernadette: Why don’t you read it? Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left.
Howard: He abandoned me and my mother. Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything?
Bernadette: I get that. So, what do you want to do with it?
Howard: Something I should have done a long time ago. (Sets f*re to it)
Bernadette: Really? Are you sure?
Howard: Yep.
Bernadette: Feel better?
Howard: I do. (Smoke alarm goes off) Great. Neither one of us is tall enough to reach that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I can’t believe he set it on f*re.
Bernadette: Yeah, just seeing that letter really freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day ’cause he accidentally wore my pants to work. I don’t know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me.
Amy: Boy, I’m really curious what was in that letter.
Bernadette: Me, too, but I guess now we’ll never know.
Amy: Well, you said Sheldon read it. Why not ask him?
Bernadette: I can’t do that. What kind of wife would I be if I didn’t respect my husband’s privacy?
Penny: What if I ask Sheldon, you just happen to be in the room?
Bermadette: That works.
Penny: Okay.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?
Amy: You have something we want.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.
Penny: No, we just want information.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.
Penny: We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father.
Sheldon: I did.
Penny: What did it say?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s not a real thing.
Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.
Penny: Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says.
Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.
Penny: Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?
Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
Penny: Yeah, obviously.
Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don’t give you enough credit, Penny.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Dude, you made the right choice coming to me for help with this party.
Leonard: Actually, all I did was invite you.
Raj: Well, put your mind at ease. I’m here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard’s dinner party’s ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I’m thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
Leonard: I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres.
Raj: So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.
Leonard: Hey, where have you been?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
Leonard: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.
Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.
Leonard: What information?
Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Raj: Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone.
Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.
Leonard: Fine, then that.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
Amy: This is really fun.
Raj: Yeah, it’s nice to get dressed up once in a while.
Penny: Yeah, and the hors d’oeuvres are delightful.
Leonard: As is the company.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were d*ad.
Leonard: Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et’s all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father.
Raj: Of course.
Penny: Sure.
Amy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: If I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music?
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these flights of stairs.
Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.
Bernadette: Wait. There’s something I have to tell you.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I know what was in your dad’s letter.
Howard: Sheldon, I swear to God, I’m gonna k*ll you.
Amy: Hey.
Bernadette: I made him tell us.
Howard: What? Us? Who else knows?
Penny: I know.
Amy: Me, too.
Leonard: Same here.
Raj: Shame on all of you.
Leonard: You know, too.
Raj: Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?
Howard: So everybody knows what’s in that letter except for me?
Sheldon: Yes, it’s six against one. Stand down, sir.
Howard: How could you do this?
Bernadette: I’m sorry.
Raj: If you want, we could tell you.
Howard: No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.
Amy: Use me as a human shield!
Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.
Scene: The closet.
Bernadette (off): Howard?
Howard: In here.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. I should have left it alone.
Howard: It’s okay. Sorry I ran off like that.
Bernadette: What are you looking at?
Howard: Uh, pictures of my dad and me when I was a kid.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Howard: I got to tell you, as angry as I am at Sheldon for blabbing, he did a hell of a job organizing this closet. Look at this. Photos of Wolowitz family before father left forever. Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
Bernadette: Think you could take a break?
Howard: Why?
Bernadette: Got a little surprise for you. Come on.
Howard: Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard: Oh, yeah, what’s that?
Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…
Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And I said if it wasn’t epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
Leonard: Raj, you’re up.
Raj: Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Amy: Told you.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: Amy.
Amy: You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No, it’s not.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: Okay, my turn. Your dad wrote about how family is the most important thing, and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard: Hmm.
Leonard: Bernadette.
Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote Howard, my son, my greatest gift. You okay?
Howard: Yeah. I’m terrific.
Leonard: So, which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard: Actually, I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard: Well, one of them is.
Howard: That’s pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
Penny: Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party?
Raj: Yeah,
Leonard: Yeah, cool.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette: Sheldon, don’t you dare.
Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.
Bernadette: That’s more like it.
Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Glad you’re feeling better.
Howard: Me, too. If I’d known we were gonna be dancing, would have worn my flats.
Penny: This turned out pretty well, huh?
Leonard: Yeah, I think so.
Raj: I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.
Amy: If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.
Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this d*ad goldfish?
Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.
Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.
Penny: Party’s over! Party’s over! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x19 - The Closet Reconfiguration"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies. Instead, it reverts to its asexual state and then grows up again.
Howard: We thought my 90-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
Leonard: My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.
Raj: Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account, I’d be okay with that.
Barry: – Hewwo, fewwas.
All: Hey.
Barry: Wemember when we were twying to figuwe out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman’s office was?
Howard: Yeah?
Barry: Turns out it was Tupperman. d*ad at his desk for two weeks.
Howard: That’s terrible.
Leonard: Oh, my God.
Barry: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.
Sheldon: If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.
Howard: Show a little compassion, a man died.
Barry: And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.
Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.
Raj: Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.
Sheldon: Pchew!
Barry: If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee.
Howard: You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke?
Leonard: No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.
Raj: Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.
Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but I think I’m just as qualified as you are.
Sheldon: Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So tenured means a job for life?
Leonard: Yup.
Penny: You can’t get fired even if you’re bad at it?
Leonard: Mm, not really.
Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.
Amy: Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?
Sheldon: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Do they know they don’t stand a chance ’cause you’re so great?
Sheldon: Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: It would be nice to have the increased income. Stop taking money from my parents.
Howard: Money from family does come with strings attached.
Raj: You have no idea. They buy me a new BMW for my birthday but can I get seat warmers? No. Rajesh, if you want a warm butt, you’re gonna have to pay for it yourself. Well, maybe I will, old man.
Bernadette: I think that’s enough wine for now.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I just keep thinking about how cool it would be if I called my mom and told her that I got tenure at Caltech.
Penny: She’d be proud, huh?
Leonard: Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a g*n under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.
Amy: Or you take advantage of your newfound economic s*ab and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.
Sheldon: Or, the chainsaw.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: And I will return to New Delhi in triumph atop a bejeweled white elephant. And you know what will be on that elephant’s back? A seat warmer. No, Father, you may not have a ride.
Bernadette: I’m gonna make some coffee.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard: I’m not gonna schmooze anybody. I’m gonna let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That’s great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard: Thank you. I’m a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh, good, you heard me.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.
Amy: You don’t say.
Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.
Amy: Is that a problem?
Sheldon: Well…
(Flashback to Series 6, Episode 12, The Egg Salad Equivalency)
Sheldon: Even you. You’re a sl*ve.
Janine: I’m a what?
(End of flashback)
Sheldon: I’m not sure, it could go either way.
Scene: The university gymnasium.
Leonard: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Mrs. Davis.
Janine: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Janine: Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Yeah. Just thought I’d come down and start getting ready for swimsuit season.
Janine: Good for you.
Leonard: Not that you need it. I bet you look great in a swimsuit.
Janine: Thank you.
Leonard: I’ve got what my father used to call furniture disease. My chest is falling into my drawers. I’m not, uh, familiar with this model. How do I make it start?
Janine: You push start.
Leonard: Right. This one might be broken.
Janine: You have to move.
Leonard: Got it. Oh. There. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now I’m feeling it. Oh, this is great. I could do this for the rest of my life. Hey, speaking, speaking of things you do for the rest of your life, uh, did I read that you’re on that-that tenure committee?
Janine: Yep. I got to get a home gym.
Leonard: Well, I’m sure you have a lot of good applicants, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I’ll be throwing my hat in the ring.
Janine: All right, I’ll keep an eye out for that.
Leonard: Yeah.
Barry: Hey, Hofstadter. Funny seeing you here for the first time in… ever.
Leonard: Go away.
Barry: Janine the Machine, wet’s do this!
Janine: Hey, Barry.
Leonard: Well, look at that. b*rned a whole calorie.
Barry: I guess you got here ewwy to burn off that banana bwead I baked you.
Janine: Yeah, it was delicious. Thank you.
Barry: No, my pweasure.
Leonard: Oh, if you, if you like banana bread, I’ve got a-a great recipe. The trick is in, in fresh ground, I’ll e-mail it to you.
Barry: Aw wight, I’m warm. Weady to kick it up a notch?
Janine: Let’s go.
Leonard: That’s enough cardio for me. I’m just gonna stretch out before I h*t the weights.
Janine: You okay?
Leonard: Call someone.
Scene: Janine’s office. There is a sound on her computer. It opens up an online video.
Raj: Good day, Mrs. Davis. This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali from the astrophysics department. Don’t be alarmed, I’m not really in space. Anyhoo, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about myself, so sit back, relax and enjoy the following 90-minute video.
Janine: Oh, come on.
Raj: Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.
Shelldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?
Janine: God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.
Janine: Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary.
Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.
Janine: Roots?
Sheldon: The tragic history of sl*very in America. Fun for the whole family.
Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?
Janine: This meeting has come to an end.
Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Gentlemen.
Raj: Where have you been?
Leonard: Nurse’s office.
Howard: Asthma att*ck?
Leonard: Asthma, heart, some kind of att*ck. I’m fine, though.
Howard: You guys going to Professor Tupperman’s memorial?
Raj: I don’t know.
Leonard: Probably not.
Sheldon: Barely knew him.
Howard: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.
Amy: Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.
Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.
Amy: It sounds like a long and tedious evening.
Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.
Amy: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.
Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.
Amy: Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.
Sheldon: Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Do anything interesting today?
Penny: Oh, not really. I was out shopping with Amy. She wanted me to help her find something for this memorial thing.
Leonard: Wait, Sheldon’s going to be there? We all promised we weren’t going to go.
Penny: Oh, what a jerk.
Leonard: I know. I was hoping to go without anyone finding out.
Penny: Well, since Amy’s going, do you want me there? You know, to support you?
Leonard: Oh, that’s nice, but it-it’s just gonna be a room full of boring old men and I’m not sure how much help you’d be.
Penny: Okay. I’m just gonna tie my shoe while you think about that.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. No. Thanks, that would be great help. You realize you might k*ll some of them.
Penny: Oh, then you all can get tenure.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Come on, Daddy. All the other scientists have seat warmers. This is so humiliating. I’ve got to get tenure. Okay, let’s meet halfway. How about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week? Looks like we’re both going to be living like animals.
Scene: The memorial.
Amy: Let’s go over our emotional responses one last time.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Professor Tupperman is d*ad, and that makes us?
Sheldon: Sad.
Amy: The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?
Sheldon: Glad.
Amy: Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was?
Sheldon: Bad. However…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Fine. Bad.
Raj: Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon: You’re here.
Raj: Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.
Sheldon: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn’t having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren’t coming here, either.
Raj: I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said.
Amy: I’d like to know why Penny’s here.
Penny: I’m here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.
Sheldon: Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.
Howard: Ooh, meerkat fight!
Amy: You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that?
Leonard: Way to h*t ‘em with both barrels.
Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.
Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.
Raj: Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it?
Sheldon: Um…
Howard: You could talk some smack about his mother.
Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.
Leonard: Okay, okay. Guys, what are we doing here?
Sheldon: I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.
Leonard: Oh, you do what you want, but I don’t want to lose my friends over tenure. Friends are forever.
Howard: So is tenure.
Bernadette: Walk.
Leonard: I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself.
Raj: You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.
Leonard: How about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: What do you think I should do?
Amy: Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.
Sheldon: I don’t want any more, but let’s go.
Barry: Are you kidding? I would wove to baby-sit for you.
Janine: I could not ask you to do that.
Barry: Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh.
Leonard: No. We cannot lose to that jerk.
Raj: Yeah, screw it. I’m going in.
Sheldon: Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.
Amy: Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.
Scene: Janine’s office.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.
Janine: What?
Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.
Janine: Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.
Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.
Janine: You didn’t bring another gift, did you?
Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.
Janine: Good.
Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.
Janine: You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.
Sheldon: Yeah, right on, sister. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x20 - The Tenure Turbulence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.
Leonard: Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.
Sheldon: I’m deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.
Leonard: You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.
Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.
Leonard: There is no season three. They cancelled that show.
Sheldon: Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
Leonard: They did.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.
Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either d*ad or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.
Penny: Well, why don’t you make up your own ending?
Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.
Leonard: Oh, please, don’t do that.
Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
Penny: I feel bad for whoever gets that phone call.
Leonard: Ah, don’t. If they didn’t want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they shouldn’t have started a sci-fi channel.
Credits sequence
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I think you’re gonna be really happy with this security camera. The optics are great, it’s got infrared technology, and there’s even a backup battery when the power goes out.
Raj: Whatever. I can see my little princess while I’m at work, right?
Howard: Why can’t you just watch p*rn like a regular guy? I need your laptop so I can configure the software.
Raj: Wait, hold on. This is weird.
Howard: What?
Raj: I was Googling that girl I’ve been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he’s Indian? And he’s an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what’s going on, don’t you?
Raj: Yes, Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.
Howard: I can’t believe I have to explain this. People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh. I always thought, if I had a white name, it would be Gavin.
Howard: Keep reading. What does it say?
Raj: No, no, I don’t know if I should. If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would’ve told me. It’s almost like I’m reading her diary.
Howard: It’s exactly what it’s like. Keep reading.
Raj: No, this is creepy.
Howard: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rearview mirror when I put up that camera.
Raj: It’s not creepy. Don’t listen to him. Oh, look who’s got the sweetest kisses.
Howard: Should I go?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca’s. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It’s got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
Penny: It’s six thirty in the morning.
Leonard: I thought you grew up on a farm.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it’s me, and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y’all cancelling his favourite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?
Amy: I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.
Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.
Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.
Amy: You sure about that?
Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.
Scene: Raj’s office.
Howard: Ready to go to lunch?
Raj: Do you think I’m feminine?
Howard: Yeah. Let’s go.
Raj: Thanks a lot.
Howard: What’s going on?
Raj: I broke down, and I read Lucy’s blog, and in one of the entries she said, when we first met, I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard: Just a little? That’s great.
Raj: I have to talk to her about this.
Howard: Oh, geez, why do you girls always want to talk about things? Listen to me, if she’s writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it’s not. I’ve always thought that was unfair.
Howard: So take what’s in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn’t you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That’s nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: So, did you love it? Of course you loved it. How could you not love it? Tell me how much you loved it.
Penny: It was cute.
Leonard: Oh, don’t say cute. That’s the worst.
Penny: What’s wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushy cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody’s gonna believe you. I just, I don’t understand how you can watch a show that great and not be excited by it.
Penny: I liked it. I’m excited.
Leonard: Well, then, tell your face.
Penny: What do you want from me?
Leonard: You know what? Never mind. We gave it a sh*t. Let’s just see what else is on.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t be like that.
Leonard: Well…
Penny: I’m sorry I called it cute. Let’s watch another one.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, it was fun. Kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.
Leonard: All right, cool. I think you’ll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.
Amy: All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…
Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?
Amy: I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.
Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?
Amy: Yep. Your turn.
Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
Amy: And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.
Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.
Amy: Come on, you can do this.
Sheldon: You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: Yeah, sounds like a drag.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it’s backwards. I get it.
Bernadette: Why does this bother you so much?
Penny: I don’t know. It’s just, he’s so passionate about so many different things. I just don’t get that way. Do you?
Bernadette: Well, sure. I’m pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.
Penny: See? I wish I had some of that f*re in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
Bernadette: Well, there’s no reason you can’t.
Penny: You think?
Bernadette: Absolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you’re passionate about.
Penny: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard (on webcam): Hey, what’s up?
Raj: Uh, Lucy’s coming over. I need some advice.
Howard: However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
Raj: Just tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
Howard: I don’t know. Go with hockey.
Raj: Good, black is more slimming. Oh, that’s her. I got to go be butch. Toodles. Hey.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Come in.
Lucy: Oh, look how cute your little doggy is.
Raj: Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get too close. If I give the right command in German, she’ll rip your face off.
Scene: The apartment. Montage of scenes.
1. Amy (singing): O’er the land of the free, and the home of the… Next.
2. (Sheldon is laying out an intricate pattern of dominoes) Amy: That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Let’s box it up.
Sheldon: Let’s box it up.
3. (Sheldon is turning the handle on a jack-in-the-box. Just before the end of the tune)Amy: That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!
4. Amy: Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.
Sheldon: Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were d*ad.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Lucy: I like your jersey.
Raj: Thanks. I love hockey.
Lucy: Oh, cool. So does my dad. We watched it all the time growing up. Who’s your favourite player?
Raj: Not Brian Boitano, that’s for sure. How’s your burrito?
Lucy: It’s still a little frozen in the middle.
Raj: Probably because I didn’t read the instructions. No wrapper’s going to tell me what to do. Unless his name is Jay-Z.
Lucy: Is something going on?
Raj: What do you mean?
Lucy: Well, you’re acting all weird, and I’m pretty weird, so I think I know what I’m talking about.
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe it’s all those steroids I’ve been taking.
Lucy: I think I’m gonna go. Thank you for the burrito and the pork rinds and the 20-minute lecture on why monster trucks are better than regular trucks.
Raj: Wait, wait. I, I found your blog here you wrote about me.
Lucy: Oh. I kind of just write that for myself. I didn’t think anybody actually read it.
Raj: No kidding. You didn’t make it easy to find. I spent hours digging around online. For the record, you have excellent credit scores. And your diabetic aunt seems to be adjusting to her new leg just fine.
Lucy: Why were you acting so strange tonight?
Raj: You called me feminine. And I, I wanted you to think I was more manly.
Lucy: Raj, I didn’t say feminine was a bad thing. I meant that you’re sweet and thoughtful and your skin looks so much like caramel, I just want to dip an apple in your face.
Raj: I do have a pretty balls-to-the-wall moisturising regimen.
Lucy: So, are you okay?
Raj: Yeah.
Lucy: Good. Do you even like hockey?
Raj: No. Bought this at the Staples Center when I went to see Taylor Swift.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Harmony One was fine. We didn’t need to upgrade to the eleven hundred, which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: See, that’s the kind of passion I didn’t think I had. But then I realized I’m passionate about you.
Leonard: Oh, my cute little tushy strikes again.
Penny: No, I’m serious. Look, I’ve always had these plans. I was gonna be in movies and live this glamorous life, and anything less than that just wasn’t worth getting excited about.
Leonard: Those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it’s gonna happen. Yeah, a psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway, what I meant was, I shouldn’t wait, you know? I’ve got you, I’ve got Sheldon, all these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: That’s a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn’t it?
Leonard: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.
Amy: I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.
Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…
Amy: And?
Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?
Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)
Sheldon: And a complete sucker.
(Montage of sccenes)
1. (Redraws tic-tac-toe board) Sheldon: Oh, yeah.
2. (Blows out all candles on the cake)
3. (Winds up jack-in-the-box until it pops out.) Sheldon: There he is.
4. Sheldon (singing): And the home of the brave.
5. (Knocks over first of intricate domino pattern) Sheldon: Don’t stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that.
Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!
Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Scene: Later.
Sheldon: Hello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x21 - The Closure Alternative"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you’re happy with those, you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey!
Leonard: Nice sh*t.
Penny: Eh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.
Leonard: You’re kidding. He’s still alive?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Who’s Professor Proton?
Leonard: He was the host of this great… Hey!
Penny: Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton.
Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.
Leonard: Hire him to do what?
Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.
Leonard: It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?
Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.
Leonard: Do you remember his old theme song?
Sheldon: Of course I do.
Together: Grab your goggles, put your lab coat on, here he comes, Professor Proton.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, I just found out I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog?
Howard: Why don’t you put her in a kennel?
Raj: Why don’t you put your mother in a home?
Howard: To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Howard: You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show?
Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.
Howard: How’d you get him to come to your house?
Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.
Leonard: And he wrote him a cheque.
Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. Big cheque.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Uncle Howard. Cinnamon’s here for her sleepover party.
Howard: You know if you had a stroke, she’d eat you, right?
Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.
Howard: Okay, so what do I need to know to take care of her?
Raj: It’s very simple. For breakfast, she has an egg-white frittata. Feel free to give her a choice of home fries or an English muffin, but not both. We’re watching our weight. Uh, for dinner, something simple, a veal chop, some scampi, whatever you like.
Howard: Classy dog.
Raj: Yes. Also, don’t forget to close the toilet or she’ll drink out of it.
Howatd: I feel for ya. I’ve got a psychotic mommy, too.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (off): Leonard, are you in bed?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon (off): Me, too.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (off): I can’t sleep.
Leonard: Well, I can, so shut up.
Sheldon (off): Do you realize that in less than nine hours, Arthur Jeffries, aka Professor Proton, will be in our apartment?
Leonard: Sheldon, you know that if you stay up all night, you’re gonna be sleepy tomorrow. And a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon. And a cranky Sheldon is actually no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night.
Sheldon (off): I’m thinking of wearing a tuxedo.
Leonard: That’s not ridiculous. Good night.
Sheldon (off): Do you have cufflinks?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (off): Ah, just as well. Where can you rent a tuxedo at three o’clock in the morning?
Leonard: Okay, good night.
Sheldon (off): Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Prof… Ow! Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon (off): I still can’t sleep.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: She really tuckered herself out at the park, huh?
Bernadette: Yeah, you two were so cute playing together.
Howard: It was kind of fun throwing a ball and not having anyone laugh at me.
Bernadette: And you were sweet not to throw it too far so she didn’t wear out her tiny legs.
Howard: Yeah, that’s what I was doing.
Bernadette: You know, there were a few moments today when I almost felt like we were a little family.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Yeah. I never thought of myself as a mom, but when the three of us were out there having fun, I felt like maybe someday we could do it.
Howard: Of course we can. Especially if our baby’s as calm and quiet as little Cinna… Son of a bitch, she’s gone.
Bernadette: Where’d she go?
Howard: I don’t know, she didn’t leave a note.
Bernadette: Well, you were the one who was supposed to put her back in the stroller.
Howard: No, I wasn’t. You were.
Bernadette: No, I wasn’t.
Howard: Yes, you were!.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m getting worried.
Penny: Relax, Sheldon, he’s only a few minutes late.
Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.
Leonard: Where is he?
Sheldon: The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.
(On the third floor landing)
Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.
Arthur: I agree.
Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.
Arthur: Just, just call me Arthur.
Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.
Arthur: No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator.
Sheldon: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.
Arthur: Is, uh, is he dangerous?
Leonard: Actually, he’s a genius.
Sheldon: I am.
Arthur: That doesn’t answer my question.
Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I’m, I’m Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny.
Arthur: Hi.
Penny: Hello.
Arthur: Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.
Arthur: Is the, is the blonde girl really your, your girlfriend?
Leonard: Yes, sir.
Arthur: You’re the genius.
(Back in the Apartment)
Penny: So, do you do a lot of appearances like this?
Arthur: It, it’s hard to say. I’m, I’m still trying to figure out what, what th, what this is.
Leonard: We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life.
Arthur: Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living.
Leonard: That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.
Arthur: You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?
Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.
Arthur: You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?
Arthur: No, no. I, I hate that puppet.
Sheldon: Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!
Arthur: I’m, I’m awake, right? Th, this is happening?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Cinnamon!
Howard: Cinnamon!
Bernadette: You know, maybe she doesn’t recognize her name because of Raj’s accent.
Howard: Good thinking. (In a bad Indian accent) Cinnamon, come to Daddy.
Bernadette (likewise): Cinnamon. Where are you, my little lamb chop?
Howard: Nice.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Howard: When this all blows over, remember that voice. It’s kind of a turn-on.
Bernadette: It turns you on when I sound like Raj?
Howard: Cinnamon!
Scene: The apartment.
Arthur: Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen?
Penny: I think I know.
Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.
Penny: Okay, I didn’t know.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: See, I’m not a scientist like them.
Arthur: I, I figured that out.
Sheldon: Potato clock. Do potato clock.
Penny: What’s that?
Arthur: I, I power a clock with a, with a potato.
Penny: Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?
Arthur: No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.
Sheldon: What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.
Arthur: No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long.
Leonard: Then what is it?
Arthur: I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.
Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.
Arthur: What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.
Sheldon: Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446
Penny: I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.
Arthur: Uh, thanks.
Penny: But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?
Arthur: What do you two talk about?
Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?
Arthur: I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.
Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.
Arthur: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.
Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon: Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Arthur: Well, thank, thank you, guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard: It’s important you know how much you mean to us.
Arthur: Uh-oh.
Penny: Arthur, are you okay?
Arthur: I’m having a problem with my pacemaker.
Leonard: I’ll, I’ll call for help.
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Arthur: No.
Scene: The telescope lab. Raj’s phone rings.
Raj: Hello? What do you mean, you found my dog? She’s with my friends. Is she okay? Oh, thank you. Uh, just text me your address, I’m on my way. Oh, and if she’s hungry, go ahead and feed her. But do not give her anything starchy. She’s having risotto for dinner.
Scene: The apartment.
Paramedic: Your vitals are s*ab, but let’s take you in for some tests just to be safe.
Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?
Sheldon: I’ll do it.
Arthur: He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?
Paramedic: No, that’s not a rule. He can go.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah.
Arthur: I can’t catch a break today.
Penny: We’ll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital.
Leonard: I’m sorry things turned out this way.
Arthur: Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.
Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Can’t believe we lost her. What was I thinking? I’d be a terrible mom.
Howard: Well, maybe with the first one. But kids are like pancakes. The first one’s always a throwaway. How’s this look?
Bernadette: It’s fine. Where’d you get that picture of her?
Howard: It’s not her. I just googled foo-foo little dogs. (Skype tone) It’s Raj. Stay quiet. Hey, bad timing. Bernadette just took Cinnamon out for a walk.
Raj: Hmm. Interesting. Did they take a walk down Liars’ Lane?
Howard: What?
Raj: A lane frequented by liars. Like you, you big liar.
Howard: You have her?
Bernadette: Oh, thank God she’s okay.
Raj: Well, I trusted you, and you let me down. The poor thing’s been shaking for hours.
Howard: I’m really sorry.
Bernadette: Hang on, you’ve had her for hours?
Raj: Yes. I picked her up, and then we both went for massages to try and calm down. And then we got Pinkberry.
Bernadette: So you knew she was okay, and you couldn’t pick up the phone to tell us?
Raj: Well, I, I thought about…
Bernadette: Don’t well me, mister. We’ve been worried sick. She could have been d*ad for all we knew. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Raj: Sorry. I, I just…
Bernadette: Sorry’s not good enough. Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you’ve done.
Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom.
Scene: A hospital room.
Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Arthur: Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice.
Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?
Arthur: No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm.
Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?
Arthur: No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask.
Sheldon: Name it.
Arthur: Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.
Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.
Arthur: Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?
Arthur: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.
Arthur: Or a Korean family in Alhambra.
Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?
Arthur: Sounds great.
Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.
Arthur: What, Whatever.
Sheldon: Father.
Arthur: Sure, what the hell. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x22 - The Proton Resurgence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A taxi
Bernadette: Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come.
Bernadette: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules.
Amy: No rules? We’re not gonna get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group, are we?
Penny: No.
Amy: So there are some rules.
Bernadette: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy: Thank you. Vegas!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: The ladies are away, the boys will play.
Raj: Anything can happen.
Leonard: It’s gonna get crazy.
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Scene: The taxi.
Penny: I got a brand-new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
Bernadette: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither, and a can of pepper spray that says close enough, Jack.
Amy: I got some old underwear I’m gonna throw on stage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I’m sorry, why old?
Amy: ‘Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’ve got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.
Leonard: I’ve got my helm of lordly might, my boots of speed, and if things get too exciting, my inhaler of asthma.
Raj: I got my new bloodthirsty savage warrior who will lay waste to all who stand before him. And I had a sensible salad for lunch, so I can eat all the pizza I want.
Howard: Come on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls, or are we gonna play D&D like a bunch of teenage boys who are never gonna have sex with those teenage girls?
Scene: The taxi.
Girls: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Scene: The apartment.
Boys: The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was gonna be hanging with my bros.
Howard: Isn’t every conversation you two have awkward?
Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.
Howard: Ready whenever you guys are.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.
Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.
Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.
Leonard: See, Howard’s just as good a dungeon master as I am.
Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.
Raj: Hey, come on, guys, focus. Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Text sound) Oh, Lucy’s free after all. See ya.
Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, you can’t leave. We just started.
Raj: You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, s*ab myself in the face with it. I’m d*ad, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.
Howard: We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.
Sheldon: Go on, give him your lunch money.
Scene: A restaurant
Raj: I’m very happy you were able to hang out tonight.
Lucy: Me, too.
Raj: Not that it’s up to you to make me happy. Uh, well, unless you find neediness sexy. In which case, you’re about to have dinner with the hottest man on the planet.
Lucy: Can I tell you something? I was so nervous about seeing you, before I left my apartment, I put roll-on antiperspirant all over my body.
Raj: Really?
Lucy: Yeah. If sweat starts squirting out the top of my head, you’ll know why.
Raj: I, uh, I’m sorry to put you through that.
Lucy: Oh, it’s okay. I’ve been trying to force myself to do things that make me scared.
Raj: What else have you been thinking about doing?
Lucy: Well, let’s see. I’d love to be able to tell the lady who cuts my hair that I don’t like bangs.
Raj: I like your bangs.
Lucy: Oh, thanks, I like ‘em, too.
Raj: What else?
Lucy: Mmm, it’s kind of a tie between sending food back in a restaurant and saying no to those kids who sell magazines door-to-door.
Raj: Mm, yeah. Those are both toughies.
Lucy: I know. I have a two-year subscription to g*n & a*mo.53
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.
Howard: Uh, it does. (Creaking sound)
Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!
Leonard: Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they att*ck a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)
Sheldon: Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)
Penny: Guess who?
Howard: What are you doing back?
Bernadette: That’s an excellent question. Amy?
Amy: Uh, well, when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy: I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.
Amy: You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.
Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.
Leonard: No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?
Leonard: What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.
Sheldon: Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.
Leonard: So, what do you say?
Sheldon: I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master.
Howard: A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.
Scene: Later, the same.
Penny: Okay, who wants a drink?
Sheldon: Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.
Penny: Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard: Double potion, please.
Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!
Sheldon: Okay, literal goose bumps. Look.
Howard: What do you do?
Leonard: I draw my broadsword.
Sheldon: I ready my quarter-staff.
Penny: I drink my potion.
Bernadette: I say we att*ck the big one.
Penny: You know what? Give me the dice, I want to roll.
Howard: The dungeon master’s supposed to roll.
Penny: Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need?
Howard: Uh, fifteen or higher.
Penny: Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.
Sheldon: Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
Penny: More potion, please.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: The restaurant.
Raj: How are your crab cakes?
Lucy: Kind of funky.
Raj: That’s great.
Lucy: It is? Does funky mean something different in India?
Raj: No, no. Uh, you’ve always wanted to send your food back in a restaurant, here’s your chance.
Lucy: Mmm, it’s okay. I just won’t eat ‘em.
Raj: Don’t be ridiculous. Waiter?
Waiter: Everything all right?
Lucy: Uh, yeah. Everything all right with you?
Waiter: Yes.
Lucy: ‘Kay, thanks, bye.
Raj: Hold on. Isn’t there something else you wanted to tell him?
Lucy: N-No, it, it’s fine. Uh, He’s from a different country, he doesn’t understand our ways.
Raj: Don’t be silly. Just tell him.
Lucy: I have to go to the bathroom. And it’s not because the crab cakes are funky.
Waiter: So you’re okay here?
Raj: Uh, yeah, sorry. She’s just a little shy. The first time we met, she was so nervous, she climbed out a bathroom window to get away from me.
Scene: Lucy climbs out of bathroom window to find a locked gate.
Lucy: Uh-oh. (Dials phone) Hey, Raj. Funny story.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Come on, mama wants a pair of d*ad ogres.
Howard: Seventeen, the larger ogre is d*ad. The-the other ogre says, you k*lled my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.
Sheldon: That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.
Leonard: All right, Amy, there’s one ogre left. Take him out.
Amy: Okay.
Penny: Pretend he’s that TSA agent. Come on.
Amy: Nineteen. Yes, this is turning out to be even better than Vegas.
Penny: No, it’s not.
Scene: An alley behind the restaurant.
Raj: Lucy?
Lucy: Hey. Long time no see.
Raj: You don’t know me very well, but each time you crawl out a bathroom window to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.
Lucy: I’m sorry.
Raj: Why would you leave like that?
Lucy: You were pushing me. I clearly didn’t want to send my food back, and you tried to make me do it anyway.
Raj: Okay, if I upset you, then why didn’t you just say something?
Lucy: Well, how can I tell you I’m upset if I can’t tell the woman at Supercuts that my forehead’s my best feature? It’s scary.
Raj: Yeah, well, I like you a lot, and that’s scary for me. Mostly because you’re a proven flight risk.
Lucy: How could you like me a lot?
Raj: Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful.
Lucy: I’m sweating out of my head.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.
Sheldon: Yay!
Howard: But wait., he’s not d*ad. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to att*ck.
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?
Howard: Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.
Sheldon: The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect.
Leonard: All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more h*t. Finish him off.
Amy: Here we go. Fifteen?
Howard: It’s a h*t. The dragon collapses to the ground.
Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?
Howard: Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.
Bernadette: This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.
Howard: Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.
Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.
Amy: Sheldon, they’re talking about sex.
Sheldon: Oh, then I’m out.
Penny: Ooh, I have an idea. Since it’s not happening any time soon, why don’t your character and your character do it in the game?
Bernadette: Ooh! Come on, back me up here.
Howard: Oh.
Together: Ooh!
Bernadette: Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy.
Leonard: Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that.
Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?
Amy: I don’t like this.
Sheldon: You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.
Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Amy: Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.
Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more.
Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.
Amy: Come on. Let’s go back out there.
Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just k*lled a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: What do you do?
Amy: I kiss you on the lips.
Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.
Amy: I remove your armour. What do you do?
Sheldon: I erotically caress your (Rolls dice) nose.
Amy: Keep rolling.
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, you guys have been in there for a while. You doing okay?
Sheldon (off): We’re fine, thank you.
Penny: Okay, we just want to say, we feel really bad about…
Amy: Go away! Sheldon is nibbling on my (sound of dice) 14! Yes! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x23 - The Love Spell Potential"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: So, anyway, last night on video chat, I spent, like, twenty minutes just staring into Lucy’s eyes.
Leonard: Oh, that sounds romantic.
Raj: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three datesof all time.
Leonard: So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?
Raj: I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard: How’s that been working for you?
Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt.
Howard: Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.
Leonard: I have a job.
Sheldon: Yes, he does. He caters to my every whim.
Howard: No, in a couple of weeks, Stephen Hawking’s team is sending an expedition to the North Sea to test hydrodynamic simulations of black holes. One of their experimental physicists dropped out, and I recommended you.
Leonard: Well, do you really think I have a sh*t?
Howard: Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.
Leonard: He knows, wow.
Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?
Raj: Hey, don’t discourage him. This is a fantastic opportunity.
Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
Leonard: What do you think?
Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?
Leonard: Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.
Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.
Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?
Leonard: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.
Sheldon: Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Lucy is looking through Raj’s telescope.
Raj: If you look carefully at Venus, you should be able to see the International Space Station pass by.
Lucy: Wow. Your friend was actually up there?
Raj: Yeah. He brought me back a T-shirt that said My Friend Went to the Space Station and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
Lucy: Did he take the T-shirt to space?
Raj: Nope. It’s exactly as lousy as advertised. Speaking of friends, they have been asking to meet you. I was thinking maybe we could all hang out sometime?
Lucy: I don’t know. How many are there?
Raj: Let’s see. Six. That’s pretty cool, I have six friends. Kind of like Sinatra.
Lucy: Six strangers? That’s a lot of pressure. Staring at me, asking me personal questions. Like, what do you do? Where are you from? Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?
Raj: Okay, how about you just dip your toe in and meet one of them?
Lucy: Will you be there?
Raj: Of course.
Lucy: Well, that’s two. Three if you count me. Oh, this is getting out of hand.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, then, during my afternoon shift, I spilled an entire tray of drinks on myself.
Leonard: Oh, that’s awful.
Penny: Not really. My shirt was soaking wet. I got, like, the biggest tip of my life.
Leonard: So, listen, do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of general relativity and hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking’s team is looking into that, and I’ve been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow, Hawking. Good for you.
Leonard: Well, it is. Just, you know, I’d be gone for a while.
Penny: Well, how long?
Leonard: Three, four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: Couple of weeks.
Penny: Wow. Oh, okay, well, I’ll just come visit you.
Leonard: That’s the thing, you can’t. I’ll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren’t they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: Uh, he’s not gonna be there. He’s just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh, sure. Like when you send me to k*ll spiders in your bathtub. Wow. Okay. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah. And I’m a little worried because things between us have been so great, and I’d hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, if you’re gonna screw things up, it’s gonna be while you’re here, not while you’re away. No. I mean, look, you have to go. It sounds like an amazing opportunity. And I’m just basing that on how much I didn’t understand what you said about it.
Leonard: Okay. I’ll confirm the travel arrangements in the morning.
Penny: Okay. Good.
Leonard: I do have to ask you one favour.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Sheldon’s nervous about me leaving. Just keep an eye on him while I’m gone.
Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Really, you guys do not need to throw me a going-away party.
Howard: Are you kidding me? How often can you say bon voyage to somebody when they’re actually going on a voyage?
Amy: Hello, Rajesh.
Howard (in Raj accent): Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.
Leonard: There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.
Sheldon: Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.
Penny: Sheldon, sweetie, shut up.
Bernadette: You know, one of the things that helped me get through Howard being in space for so long was getting married before he left.
Penny: Bernadette, sweetie, shut up.
Raj: Okay. I have a request to make.
Amy: And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.
Raj: The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.
Sheldon: Oh, gee, I don’t know. My schedule’s a little busy.
Raj: Actually, I was thinking Leonard.
Leonard: Oh. Thank you, Raj. I’d be honoured.
Howard: What the hell? I thought I was your best friend.
Raj: You are, but you’ve got kind of a big personality, with your flashy clothes and your Woody Allen swagger.
Penny: You know, maybe she’d be more comfortable meeting a girl first.
Raj: Good idea. Bernadette?
Penny: What the hell?
Raj: Well, you’re very pretty. That could be intimidating to another woman.
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Bernadette: Hey, you don’t think I’m pretty enough to scare your girlfriend?
Howard: Calm down, Bernie. You’re very scary.
Amy: It should be me.
Raj: Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?
Amy: A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Amy: So, after I started dating Sheldon, I met Leonard, and then everybody else, and they’ve all been so wonderful to me.
Lucy: That’s really nice to hear.
Amy: Maybe next week, we could all get together.
Raj: Oh, Lucy, you don’t have to answer that. Don’t put her on the spot. She hates that. Am I right? Tell her how much you hate being put on the spot. Go ahead, tell her.
Amy: Ignore him. He’s a little nervous ’cause he doesn’t think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.
Raj: What the? Are you crazy? You can’t talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety. It makes them socially anxious!
Amy: Excuse me, but I’m a neurobiologist. I think I’m a little more qualified than you to understand what’s not working in your girlfriend’s brain!
Raj: Don’t call her my girlfriend. We haven’t discussed whether or not we’re girlfriend or boyfriend yet. Now that it’s out there, are you my girlfriend? By the way, if you say no, I’ll never be happy again. Not to put you on the spot.
Lucy: I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj: We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.
Scene: A store.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.
Penny: Yeah, it does, and here we are.
Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.
Penny: Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.
Penny: Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.
Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.
Penny: Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.
Penny: Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.
Sheldon: It was you.
Penny: It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…
Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.
Penny: I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.
Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: How?
Penny: Like this. I am so happy for you.
Sheldon: Wow. No wonder you didn’t get that toothpaste commercial.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on skype): Hey.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: I want to apologize for Amy last night. She was completely out of line. Are you, are you not speaking to me or did the screen freeze again?
Lucy: Amy wasn’t the problem.
Raj: Okay. I know. It was me. I, I pushed too hard. I’m sorry.
Lucy: Thank you.
Raj: You know, I, I’ve been thinking that maybe meeting somebody one-on-one is too intense, so Friday night, my friends are having a party.
Lucy: A party?
Raj: A little one. It’s, it’s a farewell for Leonard, so all the attention will be on him. If you wear something brown and sit on the couch, they won’t even know you’re there.
Lucy: I’m not sure.
Raj: Oh, please?
Lucy: Raj.
Raj: Come on. Don’t make me beg. And I’m from India, so I know how to do it.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: Yeah, thank you! This means a lot to me. My friends are like my family. Unless you don’t like them, in which case, they’re d*ad to me.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So, have you ever spent a long time on a boat before?
Leonard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Are you referring to the time we got stuck on the Small World ride at Disneyland?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: I’m proud of you, Leonard. Working out on the North Sea for months, that’s really something.
Leonard: I know. As far as science goes, this is the adventure of a lifetime.
Howard: Maybe your lifetime. I went to space.
Leonard: It’s not a competition.
Howard: You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water.
Amy: Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.
Raj: She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?
Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.
Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.
Sheldon: Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.
Howard: Cheers.
Penny: Cheers.
Howard: It was really nice of you to try to be happy for Leonard.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Howard: It must’ve k*lled you when I went to space.
Raj (Looking at phone): Oh, no.
Howard: Buddy, you okay? Oh, man.
Bernadette: What’s going on?
Raj: Uh, go ahead. Read it.
Howard: Raj, I can’t come to the party. This is all just too much for me. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Sorry. Lucy.
Raj: Excuse me.
Penny: Raj, I’m so sorry.
Amy: Me, too.
Sheldon: It did not k*ll me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.
Scene: Penny’s car, outside the Airport.
Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard: Yep. I’m really gonna miss you.
Penny: I’m gonna miss you, too.
Sheldon: Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.
Penny: Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…
Leonard: Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.
Leonard: Would you just relax?
Sheldon: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World.
Leonard: I’m covered.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.
Leonard: Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon: It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard: I love you, too.
Sheldon: Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Penny: Raj, it’s Penny. Are you in there?
Raj: Hang on.
Penny: Hey. I’m just coming back from the airport. I wanted to see how you’re doing.
Raj: That’s, that’s very nice of you. Uh, come, come. Come on in.
Penny: Can’t stay long. I left Sheldon in the car with the window cracked open. He’s gonna go through that activity book in, like, 30 seconds, so… Are you okay?
Raj: No.
Penny: Oh. I’m so sorry.
Raj: No. It’s my fault. You know, I finally found someone who was right for me, and I, I drove her away.
Penny: Oh, Raj.
Raj: Penny, I, I miss her already.
Penny: I know how you feel. I miss Leonard, too.
Raj: What’s like, what is wrong with me? Why, why can’t I ever have love?
Penny: You will.
Raj: No, I, I won’t. I’m, I’m unlovable.
Penny: That’s just the booze talking.
Raj: No, it’s not. I haven’t had a drink since last night.
Penny: You’re talking to me.
Raj: I am. And now I’m crying for a whole different reason!
Penny: Oh, me, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: So I guess what I’m saying is I get where Lucy’s coming from.
Penny: That’s great. Do you want some wine?
Raj: Uh, no, water’s fine. Anyhow, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and, and I totally see why Lucy did what she did. I pushed too hard. But you know what? If I back off and give her enough space, maybe there’s still a future for us. Yeah, the funny thing about life is that, you know, sometimes…
Amy: Does he ever shut up?
Raj: … but then it turns good again, and that means it’s better than if it had never been bad for a while. I know that now, thing’s aren’t good, they are in fact very very bad but at least my heart is starting to heal. Slowly but surely. And oh how I cried. It was like a little, uh, thunderstorm on my face. But I’m a man, okay? So I need to pull myself together, pick up a pen and get it all out in my journal. I mean, it’s not all bad, right? Having my heart broken has allowed me to finally speak in front of you, so, you know, a silver lining…. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x24 - The Bon Voyage Reaction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: On the deck of a ship on the North Sea, in the middle of a storm. Leonard is on a sat-phone.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not a great time, what do you want?
Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.
Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard: What was what?
Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard: Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is att*cked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)
Sheldon: No!
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.
Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?
Sheldon: To be honest, I did.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.
Penny: Good night.
Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.
Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: I think you’d be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn’t get upset at all.
Howard: I’m proud of you.
Raj: Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.
Raj: Is that true?
Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.
Howard: Come on, you can talk to girls now. It shouldn’t be hard for you to meet someone new.
Raj: How can I meet someone new when everywhere I look, I see Lucy’s face? Tell me you don’t see her smile in the crust of this chicken pot pie.
Howard: Oh, will you stop it. Now, listen to me, there’s a welcome party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn’t made of grease or pie.
Raj: You think you’re so cool because your wife is a person?
Howard: Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you.
Raj: You would do that for me?
Howard: Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.
Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?
Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.
Scene: A hotel room.
Bernadette (on phone): Howie, stop. I can’t talk like that. Amy’s right here.
Amy (on phone): Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs.
Bernadette: The hotel’s nice. There’s a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun.
Amy: Because I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs.
Bernadette: Aw, I love you, too. If I don’t talk to you before you go to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland.
Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.
Penny: Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.
Penny: Mmm.
Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.
Sheldon: Well, I try.
Penny: All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with.
Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.
Scene: The mixer party.
Raj: Wow, your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting.
Girl: It is. You can download my paper off the university server.
Raj: I will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen Belts from the university server as well.
Girl: I will.
Raj: All right.
Howard: How’d it go?
Raj: Well, if you like dry, factual statements interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas.
Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She’s probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.
Howard: I heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad.
Raj: That’s so much better than the old, ugly ones.
Mrs Davis: Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali.
Howard: Mrs. Davis, nice to see you.
Raj: You know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.
Mrs Davis: Okay.
Raj: So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they’re adorable.
Howard: It was better when you couldn’t talk to women.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.
Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they’re yours, then they’re a drag.
Bernadette: To the advancement of science.
Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.
Bernadette: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
Amy: Which is fine, but it’s nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.
Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Bernadette: Be cool.
Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.
Penny: Really? Why?
Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.
Penny: So that means I lose, right? It’s over?
Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.
Penny: Okay, let’s take a break.
Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.
Penny: I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.
Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.
Penny: I’m calling him.
Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.
Leonard (on board boat, at a party, dancing): Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I kelp you?
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny.
Everybody: Hi, Penny!
Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.
Leonard: Best time of my life.
Sheldon: Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there?
Leonard: Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning!
Penny: Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.
Random voice: Iceberg!
Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.
Sheldon: Are you in danger?
Leonard: No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a sh*t!
Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!
Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.
Sheldon: You were.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Amy: So what happened? How’d it go?
Bernadette: It’s fine. I thanked them again and let them know we’re not available.
Amy: So I can drink this without having to give up the goodies?
Bernadette: Yes, it’s all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you.
Amy: And why would no one blame me?
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m saying.
Amy: Well, it sounds like you’re saying that I could do better than Sheldon.
Bernadette: Boy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I’m gonna be huggin’ the toilet tonight.
Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that.
Bernadette: I just meant that you’re not married and your boyfriend’s kind of, Sheldon.
Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard. What’s your point?
Bernadette: Sorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. Can we please just go back to having a nice time?
Amy: We could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my sweet baboo.
Bernadette: Come on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go?
Amy: Sure.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Amy: Your husband’s weird and his clothes are ridiculous.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.
Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.
Penny: Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting?
Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be d*ad and it won’t matter?
Penny: No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.
Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?
Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?
Penny: Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.
Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.
Penny: He did?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s really sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.
Penny: Well, now I miss him even more.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.
Penny: Thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, seriously?
Scene: The mixer.
Raj: Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Davis?
Mrs Davis: What?
Raj: I’d like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.
Mrs Davis: Forget about it.
Raj: You know, you, you and I, you and I have a lot in common.
Mrs Davis: Is that right?
Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.
Penny: Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something.
Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.
Penny: How about we just talk?
Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…
Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
Penny: How about I go first?
Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.
Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a k*ller gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.
Penny: That’s your big revelation?
Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.
Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.
Penny: I, I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.
Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.
Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.
Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?
Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?
Penny: Come on.
Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.
Scene: The hotel room.
Bernadette: Good night.
Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice.
Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
Bernadette: Oh, good, ’cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I’d have to teach him a thing or two.
Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It’d be nice to be with a man who wants to know what’s underneath my cardigan. FYI, it’s another cardigan.
Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Both: Good night.
Scene: The mixer.
Mrs Davis: All right, Dr. Koothrappali, it’s been nice talking to you, but I need to go home and relieve my babysitter.
Raj: Yeah, I can relate to being a single parent. I have a dog.
Mrs Davis: Yeah, it’s exactly the same thing. Good night.
Raj: Mrs. Davis, I, uh, I must confess, I came here tonight in a futile attempt to pick up some lonely postdoc, but instead I got to connect with you at a human level. That’s a much better evening. You’re a lovely person.
Mrs Davis: Are you hitting on me?
Raj: No, no, no, that would be crazy. I mean, if I were hitting on you, you’d know it ’cause you’d feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
Mrs Davis: You’re sweet. Good night, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Good night.
Howard: Looks like she accepted your apology.
Raj: And then some. I think we had a moment.
Howard: Oh, please, you did not have a moment.
Raj: Who died and made you king of moments?
Howard: Okay, fine. Let’s say there was a moment.
Raj: There was.
Howard: There wasn’t. But, but even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?
Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
Howard: So nothing.
Raj: No, not a thing.
Scene: A bathroom shower.
Penny (acting): Ah, I’m so glad the police finally caught that psychotic genetically engineered ape.
Leonard (on ship): That is my girlfriend. I swear to God.
Everyone (on ship): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard!
Penny: Aaaaaaah! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x01 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell
Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.
Penny: Another? Great.
Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere.
Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
Penny: You know, I will miss this.
Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll h*t the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.
Penny: I won’t.
Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah, I didn’t stay for the detention, I’m not gonna read the report card.
Leonard (in Penny’s apartment): Hello.
Penny (screams): Leonard! Hi!
Leonard: Keep your voice down.
Penny: Oh, my God. You weren’t supposed to be here till Sunday.
Leonard: We finished the experiment early, so I thought I’d come home and surprise you.
Penny: Oh, my gosh, why are we whispering?
Leonard: I didn’t tell Sheldon, so we could have a few days alone.
Penny: Oh, that is so romantic.
Leonard: Uh, sure, that’s why I did it.
Penny: Oh, I just cannot believe you’re here.
Sheldon (off): Penny, it’s your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.
Stuart: Happy to, unless it’s hope or a reason to live.
Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.
Stuart: Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.
Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.
Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?
Stuart: Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt g*n?
Sheldon: Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman.
Howard: What were they thinking, putting Doctor Octopus’s mind in Spider-Man’s body?
Raj: Well, I’ve been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spider-Man with all the body-switching shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Both versions, original and Lohan.
Howard: Both versions: original and Lohan. You’re an idiot.
Raj: Hey, what’s your problem?
Howard: I’m sorry, I’ve been kind of snippy lately. It’s probably this stupid diet I’m on.
Raj: Why are you on a diet?
Howard: I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.
Raj: Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.
Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.
Stuart: All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.
Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt g*n.
Stuart: Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt g*n, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.
Sheldon: Oh.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: And this is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat.
Penny: Ah.
Leonard: And, oh, that’s me getting rescued after I fell in.
Penny: Oh. (Knock on door) Oh, that’s the pizza.
Leonard: Yep. Here’s some money.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And I’m gonna h*t the head. That’s what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.
Penny: Hey.
Pizza guy: Twenty-two fifty.
Penny: Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change.
Pizza guy: Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food.
Penny: That’s nice.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.
Penny: Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…
Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.
Penny: Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!
Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?
Penny: No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…
Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.
Penny: Well…
Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.
Penny: Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.
Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?
Penny: Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.
Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: That’s odd.
Penny: Um, what?
Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.
Penny: So? That’s my dinner from last night.
Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.
Penny: Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.
Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt g*n?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Hi, honey.
Howard: Hey.
Bernadette: I made some brownies. You want one?
Howard: You’re kidding, right? I mean, you know I’m trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage.
Bernadette: We are. Stop it. And for the last time, you’re not fat.
Howard: Really? Tell that to the bathroom scale, ’cause one of you is lying.
Bernadette: Fine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom’s?
Howard: Awful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again.
Bernadette: Why can’t she do it?
Howard: ‘Cause we’ve got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn’t take into account the square footage of her back.
Bernadette: Let me see. How long have you been putting this on her?
Howard: I don’t know. Few weeks. Why?
Bernadette: This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you’ve been wearing gloves.
Howard: Like these swollen sausages could fit in gloves.
Bernadette: Howie, the oestrogen’s getting absorbed by your skin. That’s why you’ve been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
Howard: You’re full of oestrogen and you don’t act like that.
Bernadette: That’s ’cause I’m a woman. I’ve had years of practice riding the dragon.
Howard: Fine. I’ll wear gloves next time.
Bernadette: It’s still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system.
Howard: I feel so stupid. And fat.
Bernadette: It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you?
Howard: Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.
Sheldon: Yes, I am.
Amy: Then what does tweepadock mean?
Sheldon: Uh, elephant?
Amy: Lucky guess.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.
Amy: What happened?
Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.
Amy: I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.
Amy: You’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can.
Amy: Poor Leonard.
Scene: Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny’s door.
Amy: Do you hear anything?
Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.
Amy: Is it Penny?
Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.
Amy: Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like.
Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.
Amy: Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard.
Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)
Amy: No, Sheldon, don’t.
Sheldon: Aha.
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon: Leonard?
Penny: Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that.
Sheldon: Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.
Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.
Penny: No, he doesn’t.
Leonard: I actually have used those exact words before. In that order.
Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.
Leonard: The what?
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: Please leave me out of this.
Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.
Leonard: Come on, I said I was sorry.
Sheldon: No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.
Penny: It was fine.
Leonard: Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?
Sheldon: You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?
Leonard: I don’t. I really don’t. Just try it on. Oh, yeah.
Amy: Hello, sailor.
Penny: Ooh, now we’re talking.
Sheldon: Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Thanks for coming over.
Raj: No problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches.
Howard: Yeah, that’s cucumber and cream cheese. That’s turkey and loganberry. And don’t tell my hips, but I’m warming up a brie in the oven.
Raj: Nice. So, mmm. What’s up?
Howard: Okay, well, I’ve been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. Do my boobs look bigger to you?
Raj: Well, it’s kind of hard to tell.
Howard: Come on, Raj, it’s a yes or no question.
Raj: I’m not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let’s see if they jiggle. Uh, no, I, I still can’t tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this.
Howard: Seriously?
Raj: Do you want my help or not?
Howard: Fine.
Raj: Okay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing.
Howard: Yeah, they kind of do.
Raj: Hmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob)
Howard: Hey, easy, my nipples are sensitive.
Raj: Oh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay. (Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in) I mean, yeah, maybe.
Howard: Okay, let me feel. No, I am definitely up a cup size.
Raj: You know, but, but they’re very firm, so you’ve got that going for you.
Howard: You think?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky.
Howard: Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie’s ready.
Raj: Yay.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Good morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.
Leonard: No, I don’t.
Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.
Leonard: I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell.
Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?
Leonard: Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t?
Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.
Leonard: Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?
Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.
Leonard: Fine. What I did was wrong.
Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.
Leonard: You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.
Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.
Leonard: Stop it.
Sheldon: Keep it up?
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh, hey, what are you doing here so early?
Amy: Driving Sheldon to work.
Penny: He’s still mad at Leonard, huh?
Amy: Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.
Penny: I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.
Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.
Penny: Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.
Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?
Amy: Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.
Amy: FYI, I had a doughnut for breakfast, you jerk.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: So now we’re just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.
Howard: That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.
Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.
Leonard: You know what? You’re a crazy person.
Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.
Howard: Stop it.
Sheldon: Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes.
Howard: I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren’t just friends. You’re best friends. And that’s a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he’s so mad at you? It’s ’cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it.
Raj: A little loud, dude.
Howard: So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I suppose so.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: Uh, it wasn’t anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.
Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.
Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Me, too.
Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Leonard: And no one told me?
Howard (crying): Can’t believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny (handing Howard the Vagisil coupon): Think of Sheldon when you apply it. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x02 - The Deception Verification"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Raj: So, couldn’t help but notice none of you RSVP’d to my m*rder mystery dinner party.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj: No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who s*ab Koothrappali in the back with the w*apon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon: I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.
Amy: We’re sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry.
Raj: Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more m*rder mystery parties.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj: Because I’ve got something even better planned.
Leonard: Aw.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Come on.
Raj: Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too.
Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Sheldon: That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge, trying to find someone to be on a team with me. I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
Penny: I love scavenger hunts. My friends and I had them all the time.
Leonard: Oh, these are a little different. There’s a tradition at elite universities…
Howard: And Princeton.
Leonard: A tradition of hunts full of puzzles that rely on logic and obscure knowledge, science.
Penny: Oh, in ours we would just run around town looking for a store that would sell us beer.
Raj: So, uh, who’s in?
Leonard: I think it sounds fun.
Amy: Yeah, me, too.
Various: I’m in, let’s do it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What’s all this?
Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.
Leonard: You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley?
Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.
Raj: Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.
Sheldon: He is a born showman.
Raj: Any questions?
Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?
Leonard: It’s not funny.
Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school.
Leonard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it.
Raj: Okay, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette: Should we just do couples?
Leonard: Couples sounds great. Or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat. Whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me.
Leonard: I just said, couples sound great.
Penny: Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah.
Leonard: All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!
Sheldon: Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?
Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard’s bedroom)
Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.
Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.
Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.
Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.
Penny: Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.
Howard: Wow, you’re really good at puzzles.
Amy: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say, when you’re doing a puzzle, it’s like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.
Howard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom’s just full of pound cake.
Amy: I’m sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.
Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy: No.
Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?
Bernadette: Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast!
Leonard: Stop yelling at me.
Bernadette: Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.
Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.
Penny: But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on.
Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?
Penny: Okay, it’s not gonna say that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.
Howard: It’s the comic book store. Let’s go.
Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.
Penny: It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.
Sheldon: It’s the comic book store.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Do you think Penny’s mad at me?
Bernadette: Because you’re in the right lane behind a bus and you won’t go around it? I’m sure she finds it charming.
Leonard: No, because I didn’t want her on my team.
Bernadette: I’m starting to think she dodged a b*llet. The slowest b*llet in the world.
Leonard: Geez, I never realized you were so competitive.
Bernadette: Yeah, I know. Its, it’s probably because I grew up with five brothers and sisters so I had to fight for every… Oh, my God, you did not just slow down for a bird, you know they fly, right?
Scene: Howard’s car.
Amy: I think this is the first time we’ve ever actually been alone together.
Howard: Huh, I guess you’re right. Wonder why that is?
Amy: Well, off the top of my head, I’d say we don’t have a lot in common except for the people we’re involved with. Plus, when we first met, Penny warned me never to get into a car alone with you.
Howard: Yeah. You know, I bet you and I have more in common than we think.
Amy: Such as?
Howard: I don’t know. Tell me some things you like.
Amy: Uh, let’s see. I like harps, Little House on the Prairie, medieval poetry, medieval literature…
Howard: Hey, how about some music?
Amy: Great. Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn’t want to be mistaken for a g*ng member.
Howard: Find something you like.
Amy: Beatles, boring. Eminem, scary. Weird Al? How old are you? Neil Diamond?
Howard: Yeah, I love Neil Diamond.
Amy: I love Neil Diamond.
Both: Sweet Caroline, bum-ba-da, good times never seemed so good, so good, so good, so good. I’ve been inclined…
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Oh, hey, thanks for letting me use the comic book store as part of the scavenger hunt.
Stuart: Oh, my pleasure. Always happy to help out with fun things that I wasn’t invited to be a part of.
Raj: Oh, congratulations. You’re the first team to arrive.
Amy: Yes, it’s not a ruse to make fun of me. It’s a real game and I’m winning it.
Raj: Your next puzzle is a riddle. And who better to give it to you than The Riddler?
Bernadette: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! How am I faster than you? I’m in heels and I stopped to take a phone call.
Leonard: I have asthma. Back off.
Howard: Riddle me this. Arrah, Arrah, and gather round, the work of this hero is legion-bound. He multiplies N by the number of He, and in this room the thing you’ll see.
Raj: Good riddle, huh?
Stuart: Yeah. So when you guys plan fun activities, does my name even come up, or…?
Raj: I invited you to my m*rder mystery party.
Stuart: No, you didn’t.
Raj: Oh.
Penny: Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up.
Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.
Penny: People run in a marathon.
Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Bernadette: Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time.
Leonard: Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.
Penny: Riddle me this…
Sheldon: Got it.
Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.
Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks.
Howard: Hey, you know what this could mean (whispers).
Amy: Oh, oh, that’s good. Then this would be (whispers back)
Howard: That’s it.
Amy: To the Neil Mobile.
Bernadette: I knew it, we’re gonna lose.
Leonard: Wait, I got it. I got it/
Bernadette: Congratulations, you got it last.
Leonard: You’re really mean, you know that?
Stuart: So no one’s gonna buy anything.
Scene: The geology lab at the University.
Penny: Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.
Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?
Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.
Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater.
Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…
Penny: Shut up. I solved it.
Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ‘em. Let’s go.
Penny: Well, wait. Don’t you want to know how I figured it out?
Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: On the boats and on the planes.
Amy: They’re coming to America.
Howard: Never looking back again.
Amy: They’re coming to America… ♪
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Um, I’m okay with you driving my car. I’m not okay with you flying my car.
Bernadette: Don’t sweat it, my dad’s a cop. He can fix things.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Like death?
Bernadette (out of the window): Your kid may be an honour student but you’re a moron.
Leonard: Penny’s not answering my texts.
Bernadette: Who cares? Focus on the game.
Leonard: This stupid game is why she’s mad in the first place. I’m telling her I’m quitting.
Bernadette: No. Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
Leonard: Why?
Bernadette: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
Leonard: What does she think I am?
Bernadette: How do I put this? She’s been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat. Or a willow.
Leonard: I can’t believe she would say that about me.
Bernadette: If you’re gonna cry about it there’s tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours. Big willow.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Howard: They’re coming to America, They’re coming to America.
Amy: Today!
Howard: Today!
Together: Today! Today!
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.
Penny: Okay. Oh, it’s a bowling alley.
Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody’s.
Scene: The geology lab.
Howard: Love on the rocks.
Amy: Ain’t no big surprise.
Howard: Just pour me a drink.
Amy: And I’ll tell you some lies.
Scene: The apartment stairwell. Leonard is lowering himself down the lift shaft.
Leonard: Call me a lady part. We’ll see about that.
Bernadette: Can you reach the clue?
Leonard: Almost.
Bernadette: Hurry, Sheldon and Penny were right behind us in the bowling alley.
Leonard: Got it.
Bernadette: Great, climb back up. Come on.
Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: To the planetarium.
Penny: Let’s go.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: To the tar pits.
Bernadette: Let’s go.
Scene: Howard’s car.
Amy: There’s a Neil Diamond concert next month.
Howard: Let’s go.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Three bags, no one’s opened ‘em. we’re the first ones here.
Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.
Penny: What? Why me?
Sheldon: Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.
Bernadette: They’re here first. This is because you made me slow down for that blind guy.
Penny: Okay, the clue must be in the bag.
Leonard: The clue must be in the bag.
Penny: It’s just a bunch of pants.
Leonard: It’s just a bunch of pants.
Penny: You know, I’m surprised you want to copy my answers since I’m not even smart enough to be on your team.
Leonard: Well, why would you want to be on someone’s team who you like to call a, I can’t even say it in front of Sheldon.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Bernadette: No, she doesn’t. I just made that up.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.
Sheldon: I’m not a child. I know the word ninny.
Penny: Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna b*at your ass.
Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team.
Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.
Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.
Leonard: This one is, too.
Sheldon: No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it.
Penny: But wait. So does this one.
Bernadette: Maybe the spot’s the clue.
Penny: Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.
Penny (off): Hurry.
Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.
Scene: The stairwell.
Bernadette: Stop her, Leonard, stop her.
Penny: Well, where the hell’s the coin?
Leonard: Wasn’t the answer Sheldon’s spot?
Raj: Oh, yes, Leonard. Yes, it was.
Bernadette: Then where’s the coin?
Raj: Yes, exactly. Where is the coin? Why don’t you look in your pockets? I slipped them in there earlier today.
Penny: I don’t get it.
Raj: Don’t you see? When we’re all having fun together, we’re already winners. Oh, look. See? Even I’m a winner.
Leonard: Are you kidding me?
Penny: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Bernadette: You suck so hard.
Raj: Well, I thought… Come on, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad at the end of the game. And some of those puzzles were really hard and I didn’t know who was gonna get Penny.
Penny: Run.
Raj: Okay, okay, that-that came out wrong, but you have to admit, you all had a wonderful time.
Penny: Run to India.
Raj: I just wanted to do something beautiful.
Sheldon (entering): Hey, look. I won.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory, karaoke night.
Howard: Hey, she got the way to move me, Cherry,
Amy: She got the way to groove me.
Howard: Cherry, baby
Amy: She got the way to move me, honey.
Together: She got the way to groove me. She got the way to move me.
Howard: Cherry
Together: She got the way to groove me, yeah! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x03 - The Scavenger Vortex"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So what’d you think?
Amy: It was good.
Sheldon: That’s it? Good”
Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.
Amy: It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.
Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy: No, I do, and if he weren’t in the movie, the n*zi would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up and all died, just like they did. Let me close that for ya.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The foyer.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi. I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard: Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night and they don’t need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that. So, how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out, The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard: You bought my mom’s book?
Penny: Yeah. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard: Oh, come on. Not that book. It, it’s got, like, every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool. Are there pictures?
Leonard: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, come on. Why? How bad could it be?
Leonard: There, there’s chapters about potty training, and bed-wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know what? Do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently, I favoured the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh, my God, you still go left.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Which celebrity would you say I look like the most?
Howard: Halle Berry. Why?
Raj: Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d k*ll for that woman’s bone structure.
Leonard: Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn’t enough?
Raj: Wait, how can, how can anyone ruin Raiders? It’s perfect.
Sheldon: Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the n*zi find the ark, open it and die.
All: Aw!
Howard: Hey, wait a minute. No, the n*zi were digging in the wrong place. The only reason they got the ark was because Indy found it first.
Leonard: Actually, they were only digging in the wrong place because Indy had the medallion. Without him, they would have had the medallion and dug in the right place.
All: Aw!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but can I just ask you one question about your mom’s book?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I just want to know why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom’s make-up and wears balloon boobies.
Leonard: They weren’t boobies, they were muscles. And the make-up was green. I was pretending to be The Hulk.
Penny: You were wearing her bra.
Leonard: That was to keep my muscles from sagging. Can we please stop talking about this?
Penny: Okay, okay. But you know, as a student of psychology who got a check-plus on her first homework assignment, I think, sometimes, it’s good to open up about these things.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Do you want to know why I dressed like The Hulk? Because I was always mad at my mom and I wanted to smash my way out of that house.
Penny: Well, why were you so angry?
Leonard: Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I’d keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.
Penny: Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard: I do, too, but there’s not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
Leonard: Of course, who am I to argue with a check-plus student? Just warning you, I’m gonna go right. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Stuart: Is make-up really necessary?
Raj: Well, when someone looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. I just want to make sure you look fun and full of life and not like a body they just pulled out of the river. All right, here we go, and smile. Okay, uh-uh, that one’s in the bank. How about this? Turn away, and then turn back into it. But when you do, imagine the camera is the girl you want to meet.
Stuart: You got it.
Raj: Okay, uh, let’s try it again. Uh, but this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn’t want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don’t think I can give you that.
Raj: Come on. One more time. Yeah, it’s, it’s a little blurry, but I think that works in your favour. Do you want a beer?
Stuart: Sure. Hey, have you finished writing your profile yet?
Raj: Almost. Oh, what did you put as the one-word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now that I hear it out loud, it just seems like I’m being cocky. What did you put for your best feature?
Raj: My parents’ money. Uh, what did you put for your best feature?
Stuart: I put: not applicable.
Raj: Come on, dude, you’re being too hard on yourself. You’ve got a lot of good stuff going on.
Stuart: Really? Like what?
Raj: Well, okay, you’re a, you’re a talented artist, you own your own business.
Stuart: Neither of those things have ever helped me meet a woman.
Raj: Okay, well, can we imply that you’re well-endowed?
Stuart: I do have one oddly long testicle.
Raj: Okay, now you’re talking like a winner!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’?
Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.
Leonard: So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?
Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. And?
Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?
Leonard: Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.
Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.
Leonard: Sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.
Leonard: I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.
Sheldon: Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?
Leonard: I gotta go.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: You ready to go?
Penny: Yep. Hey, and maybe this time you don’t try and talk sports with the guys.
Leonard: Some sports bar. It’s like they never even heard of Quidditch. Do we really have to go?
Penny: Oh, come on. Every time we’re about to hang out with my friends, you don’t want to. It’s like, It’s too loud, or the bathroom’s too dirty, or they put a chicken wing in my ear. I mean…
Leonard: Well, you’re, you’re right. Let’s just go.
Penny: Hey, what’s going on with you?
Leonard: Nothing, I’m fine.
Penny: All right, hang on. is this still about your mom’s book?
Leonard: No. Not everything is about my mom.
Penny: ‘Cause if you’re still upset about that, we don’t have to go.
Leonard: Except this is totally about my mom.
Penny: I’m so sorry. I never should have read that book. You know what? You want to just get dinner and watch the game here?
Leonard: That sounds nice. Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Or, you know, we could get take-out and watch the Blu-ray extended version of The Hobbit movie with commentary track. On account of how sad I am about my mom.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Leonard, you ready for lunch?
Leonard: One sec. Hey. Sorry.
Howard: Hi, Penny.
Penny: Hi. All right, sweetie. You hang in there today.
Leonard: I’ll try, but I might be sad again tonight.
Penny: Okay.
Howard: Wow. Sex at work?
Leonard: Leave it alone. That’s my girlfriend.
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: Who just had sex with me at work.
Howard: Damn. How’d you swing that?
Leonard: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard: Seriously?
Leonard: Look, I mean, I’m not proud of it, but it does work. I got her to watch a six-part documentary on Monty Python. Even I was bored, I just wanted to see if she’d make it to the end.
Howard: You sound kind of proud of it.
Leonard: I am, I’m really proud.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: Yes. Why?
Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.
Amy: So what can I do for you?
Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.
Amy: That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together?
Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?
Amy: Of course I’m in.
Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.
Amy: Good night, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: You were really quiet during dinner. Is everything okay?
Howard: Yeah. I guess I was just thinking about my mom, and how sad my childhood was.
Bernadette: Yeah, I bet it sucked. I’m gonna take a bath, you do the dishes.
Howard: How about I take a bath with you and see what happens.
Bernadette: Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna take a bath, and you’re gonna do the dishes.
Howard: That’s it? No compassion?
Bernadette: Aw, poor Howie. We good? I’m gonna take a bath.
Howard: Bernie…
Bernadette: God, what is going on with you?
Howard: I’m sharing my pain.
Bernadette: And I’m not buying it. Try again.
Howard: I’m learning to be a man in a culture where it’s increasingly difficult to know how?
Bermadette: Strike two.
Howard: I’m copying Leonard. When he does this to Penny, they have sex and watch Monty Python.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: I know. It was dumb, I shouldn’t have done it. And it’s making me feel sad. So sad. You know, why don’t you take a bath? I’ll do the dishes.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Three, two, one.
Stuart: That’s it. Our dating profiles are live on the Internet.
Raj: Attention all shoppers, my business is open for business!
Stuart: That’s right, ladies. For all you know, I’m confident and fun to be around.
Raj: Oh, cool, it tells you when someone’s reading your profile. Jenny309. I hope that’s not her weight.
Stuart: If it is, I’ll take her. Ooh, I got one, too. The ladies are coming to us. Oh, man, if I’d started this years ago, I’d be divorced two or three times by now.
Raj: What? Another one. You know, it, it’s weird. When they’re reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked?
Stuart: Well, they’re not running away screaming, so, no.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.
Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy: You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy: Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.
Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy: I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Do you feel better?
Sheldon: Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, I was just… what is happening?
Penny: Oh, just a little treat. I know you’ve been feeling really bad about your mom lately.
Leonard: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you feel better, so I planned something very special for you.
Leonard: Uh-huh, I can already feel it working.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Mom?
Mrs Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard: I… uh…
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don’t get the left or the right.
Mrs Hofstadter: Let’s discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard: Oh, please, Mommy. No, Mommy.
Mrs Hofstadter: When you were six years old, you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new Ping Pong paddle.
Leonard: I didn’t dream that?
Mrs Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard: Penny, come back. I’m sad for real now.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: In the last two hours, 162 women have read our profiles. How many of them have sent us messages?
Stuart: Combined?
Raj: Yes.
Stuart: Zero.
Raj: Dude, this is, this is brutal.
Stuart: I don’t think I’ve ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog who ran back to the pound.
Raj: This is the worst. If we’re gonna get sh*t down, we might as well just go to a bar and do it old school.
Stuart: And make them look us in the eye.
Raj: Yeah, anything is better than this.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Hello.
Girl: Not interested.
Raj: I was wrong. This is worse.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon: That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj: Like a hero.
All: Yeah!
Leonard: Although, technically, Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied. He couldn’t even get that done.
All: Aw! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x04 - The Raiders Minimization"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody’s having date night.
Amy: It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.
Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you.
Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.
Amy: I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.
Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.
Amy: So, you’re okay with this?
Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?
Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy: Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.
Amy: I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon: Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.
Sheldon: Why not? Hairy Fairy.
Raj: I think it could be romantic. You know, my parents met at his place of work.
Leonard: Your father’s a gynaecologist.
Raj: I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops.
Howard: Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?
Leonard: No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.
Sheldon: That’s a Raging Ogre.
Leonard: Yeah, I know.
Howard: I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too?
Raj: Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.
Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.
Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.
Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?
Leonard: Please, oh, please, just let me be there.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: So, Amy, what are you gonna be working on at Caltech?
Amy: I’m leading a study to see if deficiency of the monoamine oxidase enzyme leads to paralyzing fear in monkeys.
Bernadette: If they’re anything like humans, the answer’s yes.
Amy: Wait, you’ve, you’ve done this experiment on humans?
Bernadette: You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical.
Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys.
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
Bernadette: He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?
Amy: I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.
Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.
Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.
Penny: Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.
Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette: He said what?
Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.
Bernadette: Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?
Amy: No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.
Penny: Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do.
Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.
Penny: That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.
Amy: Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.
Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing f*re that is myself?
Amy: More and more sure.
Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.
Amy: I didn’t ask for your permission.
Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.
Howard: No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.
Sheldon: Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a d*ad giveaway.
Bernadette: Well?
Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.
Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard: For the love of God, why?
Bernadette: What exactly do you think you’d get sick of?
Raj: His only options here are to fake a heart att*ck or have a real one.
Howard: It’s nothing in particular. I…
Bernadette: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy? What?
Howard: My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard: Nailed it.
Bernadette: That’s the wrong arm for a heart att*ck, doofus.
Howard: My point is, I’m sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.
Bernadette: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
Howard: Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?
Bernadette: Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.
Howard: Bernie…
Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: So, boys, how was the pyjama party? You guys jump on the bed and sing into hair brushes?
Raj: It wasn’t a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride.
Howard: Please, stop talking.
Raj: As you wish.
Howard: I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.
Sheldon: Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.
Amy: Gentlemen.
Raj: Amy.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: That was kind of icy. You two okay?
Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.
Leonard: Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.
Sheldon: Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.
Raj: Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn’t call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight?
Howard: I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy.
Raj: That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.
Amy: And this is Dr. g*n from Stockholm.
Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name g*n or No-Funderson?
Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.
Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?
Amy: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!
Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better?
Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?
Amy: Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.
Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.
Amy: I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.
Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend g*n needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.
Amy: You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.
Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?
Amy: You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.
Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.
Amy: Really? What tipped you off?
Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…
Amy: Get out.
Sheldon: Well, now, that.
Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth.
Sheldon: Bleugh!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It’s nine o’clock, where you been?
Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.
Penny: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?
Leonard: I did not.
Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.
Penny: Why’d you get that? You hate lamb.
Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.
Leonard: I thought Amy was gonna drive you home.
Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.
Sheldon: But you don’t even know…
Leonard: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…
Leonard: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.
Penny: Okay, fine, Sheldon. What is your side?
Sheldon: Well…
Penny: Nope, got to go with Amy on this one.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Ooh, shrimp was spicy.
Raj: You want a TUMS?
Howard: You got the tropical fruit kind?
Raj: No, if I buy those, I just go through them like candy.
Howard: Tell me about it. One time, I swear I pooped out a stick of chalk. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.
Raj: Thanks.
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Oh, hi.
Bernadette: I may have overreacted.
Howard: Yeah, well, I didn’t handle it so great, either.
Bernadette: It’s just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard: That’s not true.
Bernadette: It’s not? You spend all day together at work, and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week, you two got a couples massage. So, when you said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard: Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. Time with you is my number one priority.
Bernadette: Why tomorrow?
Howard: Well, we’re real close to finishing off the new Batman game.
Raj: It is awesome. Uh, you should probably go after her.
Howard: Should I go after you?
Bernadette (off): No!
Howard: Thanks for getting me in trouble.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.
Amy: What’s your point?
Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.
Amy: I like you, too.
Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.
Bernadette: I’m not apologizing to Howard. He can come beg me on his knees.
Amy: Sheldon, too. If I see him at work, I’m just going to ignore him.
Penny: All right, don’t worry. I talked to Leonard. He is gonna sit the guys down and set them straight.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Laser’s warmed up.
Howard: Pull.
All: Yeah! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x05 - The Workplace Proximity"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: What are you working on?
Sheldon: Can’t talk. In the zone.
Penny: Do you know what he’s doing?
Amy: Could be anything. Last time he was like this, he figured out electron transport in graphene. The time before that, he was making a list of who’s allowed in his tree fort if fe ever gets one. Still can’t believe I didn’t make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you want to take a break? Your food’s ready.
Leonard: No, no, what are you doing? He’s both happy and quiet. It’s like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.
Howard: Sorry we’re so late. Bernadette got stuck at work.
Bernadette: Great news. A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and now can infect humans.
Raj: Why is that great news?
Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying, mo’ infections, mo’ money.
Howard: Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first.
Bernadette: Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be d*ad already.
Howard: Guys, listen up.
Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.
Howard: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really don’t care.
Howard: I want to do something special, and I was hoping you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Aw, what horrible thing are you trying to make up for?
Howard: Just putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.
Penny: Ah.
Howard: Look, she’s gonna be back any second, so here’s the deal. I’m writing a song, and I was hoping we could all play it for her together.
Leonard: Aw.
Amy: Oh, I love that.
Raj: That is so beautiful.
Howard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: When did we get to the Cheesecake Factory?
Credits sequence
Scene: The stairwell
Leonard: It’s really sweet what Howard wants to do for Bernadette.
Penny: Yeah. Hey, how come you’ve never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard: Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward. And back to the zone.
Leonard: And besides, I do romantic things for you all the time. Can you even name one romantic thing you’ve done for me?
Penny: I can name tons.
Leonard: Sex doesn’t count.
Penny: Oh. I know, what about that bed-and-breakfast?
Leonard: Well, I took you there. All you did was…
Penny: I know what I did. I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair. You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard: It’s fine. And also not true.
Penny: Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off.
Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Zone.
Leonard: He’ll figure it out when he falls off the roof.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.
Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.
Leonard: Nope, it was better before.
Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.
Leonard: Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new s*ab super-heavy element?
Sheldon: Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…
Leonard: Yeah, definitely better before.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So I’m almost done writing the song for Bernadette. Are you cool playing the cello?
Leonard: If by cool you mean willing to, yes. If by cool you mean cool, clearly you’ve never seen me play the cello.
Howard: Great. Will you play the ukulele?
Raj: Of course. I’d be happy to shred it on my ax.
Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.
Raj: Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face.
Sheldon: Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.
Howard: Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.
Raj: Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.
Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.
Leonard: Sheldon, that’s incredible.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.
Howard: So, what happens next?
Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.
Leonard: Good to know.
Sheldon: Now give me that cookie, I discovered an element.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Thank you so much for coming.
Raj: You called the right person. I believe I have the perfect romantic evening for you to give Leonard.
Penny: Okay, good, ’cause I’ve been really struggling with this.
Raj: As I’m sure you’re aware, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his…
Penny: Pants, but Leonard says sex doesn’t count.
Raj: Oh. You poor thing. You have one arrow in your quiver, and you just can’t use it. Fortunately, another pathway to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Penny: I don’t know if I want to cook for him. He’s kind of a picky eater. I mean, it’s too salty, it’s too dry, it’s too burnt and frozen at the same time. Okay, come on, what else would sweep you off your feet?
Raj: Well, I’ve always had this fantasy that involves dancing. The sexual chemistry between my partner and me is electric. But boy, oh, boy, does my father not approve until he sees us in the big dance competition.
Penny: Okay, that’s just the plot for Dirty Dancing. What else would you love? Other than being lifted over Patrick Swayze’s head.
Raj: Oh, oh, uh, you could, uh, stand outside his window with a boom box in the air.
Penny: That’s from Say Anything.
Raj: Look, I’m a lonely guy, I watch a lot of movies. Look, Penny, if you truly want to be romantic, it needs to come from you.
Penny: I get that, but why is this so hard?
Raj: Well, you’ve probably never had to do this stuff ’cause you’re young and beautiful and men have always thrown themselves at you.
Penny: Yeah, I’m trying to be sad about that. I can’t.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.
Amy: I don’t think the Smithsonian’s gonna want your marker.
Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m so proud of you.
Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.
Amy: What’s next?
Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…
Amy: And what?
Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?
Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?
Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.
Amy: So you just got lucky?
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
Amy: You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.
Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard:: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.
Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve.
Leonard: Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard: Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.
Leonard: You don’t know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Make sure you guys get to the restaurant by eight. Bernadette’s meeting me there at eight thirty and I don’t want to blow the surprise.
Leonard: We’ll be there.
Raj: Got it. Now, uh, I have a question about the song. I was thinking at some point I could bust out a little rap.
Howard: E-Ni-Ni-Ni-Ni-No.
Raj: Come on, come on, you haven’t even heard it yet. Leonard, give me a b*at.
Leonard: I will not.
Raj: Oh, please?
Howard: No, I want this to be romantic.
Raj: It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.
Voice: There he is. (General applause)
Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.
Voice: Woo!
Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.
Raj: Wait, I don’t understand. They didn’t find the element?
Sheldon: Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard: Invite them to live with us.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Boy, Bernadette is gonna love this.
Leonard: Yeah. It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic.
Penny: Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face.
Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.
Howard: I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.
Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.
Raj: Oh, that’s a big deal.
Sheldon: I know. When will this nightmare end?
Leonard: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.
Amy: I’m not.
Sheldon: You’re not?
Amy: Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.
Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.
Penny: Damn it, everyone’s better at this than me.
Sheldon: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler. You just made the fort.
Howard: Guys, there was an accident at Bernie’s lab.
Leonard: Oh, my God, is she okay?
Howard: Yeah, but she’s at the hospital in quarantine.
Penny: What?
Amy: Poor Bernadette.
Leonard: Oh, no.
Sheldon: I hate to pile on the bad news, but I just got a raise.
Scene: The hospital.
Howard: Oh, my God, Bernie, what happened?
Bernadette: Well, let’s just say the next time you move a dozen vials of raccoon virus to the fridge, make two trips.
Howard: You’re sure you’re okay?
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s just a precaution. If there was a problem, I’d be throwing up out of my eyeballs by now. Sorry I messed up our date.
Howard: Oh, don’t worry about it. I brought the date here. Guys, come on in.
Bernadette: What’s all this?
Howard: Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you.
Bernadette: Howie.
Amy: Sheldon, get over here.
Sheldon: She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?
Amy: Sheldon.
Howard (singing): If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.
Sheldon: Is it me, or does she not look so good?
Amy: Shh.
Howard: A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick, I’d be one of my outfits without a dick-ie. I’d be cheese without the mac, Jobs without the Wozniak, I’d be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making it much harder to crack. I’d be an atom without a b*mb, a dot without the com, and I’d probably still live with my mom.
All: And he’d probably still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes. You’re like uranium-235 and I’m uranium-238, almost inseparable isotopes. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: If I didn’t have you life would be dreary, I’d be string theory without any string. I’d be binary code without a one, a cathode ray tube without an electron g*n. I’d be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I’d speak a lot more Klingon, Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam.
All: And he’d definitely still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
All: Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Howie, that was amazing. Look, I’m shaking.
Sheldon: She’s sick, I knew it. Bye.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I have to say, this is the best Top Ramen you’ve ever made.
Penny: I discovered a secret ingredient. The flavour packet. That sucker is well named. All right, lover boy, get ready, ’cause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.
Leonard: Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry. All right. You seem pretty confident.
Penny: Oh, I am. Maybe if you follow this trail, you’ll see why.
Leonard: Oh, rose petals.
Penny: Yes. The most beautiful and shockingly expensive of all the flowers.
Leonard: You made the bed? You really are pulling out all the stops.
Penny: Okay, I gave this a lot of thought, and I finally found something to show you how much I love you.
Leonard: Oh, wow.
Penny: It’s a first edition of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I remember it was your favourite book growing up.
Leonard: This is great. It, thank you, it’s, so much.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing. I love it.
Penny: No. Something’s going on. What’s wrong with it? I remember you saying how great it would be to have a first edition.
Leonard: It’s true, I did. I did say that. When we were at the used bookstore together and I saw the first edition and I bought it.
Penny: Oh, my God, I am the worst.
Leonard: No, no, it’s okay. It’s really thoughtful.
Penny: No, it’s not. I mean, what’s thoughtful is everything you do. Here, you know what? Look at this. Look, here’s the, the plane ticket you bought me when I was too poor to go home for the holidays. And the rose you left on my windshield just because. Here’s the, the thank-you letter you wrote me after the first time I slept with you. All 11 pages of it.
Leonard: I can’t believe you saved all this stuff.
Penny: Of course I did. It’s you.
Leonard: Come here.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Is that a pregnancy test?
Penny: Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.
Amy: Me? What did I do?
Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon (not in Amy’s daydream, now in the Cheesecake Factory): Amy? Amy? Did you hear what I said?
Amy: Can’t talk, in the zone. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x06 - The Romance Resonance"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A supermarket
Amy: I’ve never seen him this happy before.
Leonard: That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.
Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash.
Leonard: Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.
Leonard: Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him.
Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.
Leonard: He thinks there’s a difference.
Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.
Arthur: Trust me, I, I remember.
Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.
Arthur: Hold, hold, hold on. You, you have a girlfriend?
Amy: Yes, and I’ve heard so much about you. Hey look, we’re wearing the same orthopaedic shoes. I can’t believe I dress like a celebrity.
Arthur: Oh, okay, I get it now.
Leonard: Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter.
Arthur: Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?
Leonard: No, she’s not.
Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me.
Arthur: I wasn’t going to tell you.
Amy: Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
Arthur: Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.
Sheldon: But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.
Credits sequence.
The cafeteria.
Howard: Bernie’s having a girls’ night on Friday at our place. You want to do something?
Raj: Actually, I’m busy.
Howard: Doing what?
Raj: There’s a new sports bar over on Colorado Ave…
Howard: You’re going to girls’ night.
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: You know they’re making jewellery right?
Raj: You think they came up with that? They were going to drink beer and play darts.
Leonard: What’s up?
Howard: Not his testosterone levels.
Raj: Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity.
Howard: How is that possible?
Leonard: Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton.
Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?
Leonard: He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.
Sheldon: That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.
Howard: You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.
Raj: Yeah, it’s nothing to cry about.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: It’s true, you’d rust.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.
Amy: Is it really worth getting upset about?
Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.
Amy: Come on, he’s a retired kids show host.
Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.
Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?
Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Amy: Maybe he found you, um, a bit much.
Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.
Amy: From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…
Sheldon: What?
Amy: Doesn’t matter.
Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Amy: This is fun. I’m going to feel like such a vixen wearing jewellery that doesn’t have a list of medications I’m allergic to.
Raj: Penny, how’s it going over there?
Penny: Good, I’m just having little trouble with the glue.
Amy: How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school?
Penny: Yeah, but only because I was dating a second grader.
Howard: Hello, everyone.
Raj: Okay, let me have it. Let’s hear all the Raj is a girl jokes.
Howard: Nope. Bernadette told me it isn’t nice and I’m not allowed.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: So I won’t be making fun of you, or the things you like, or the fact that you just want to have fu-un.
Bernadette: Howie, stop. Come on, look at what I’m making.
Howard: Oh, that’s actually pretty nice.
Amy: I’m making a bracelet.
Penny: Yeah, I’m just making a mess.
Howard: You know, instead of beads and glue, you guys can use my soldering iron. You’d be able to make much cooler stuff.
Raj: Oh, I think we’re doing just fine, thank you.
Amy: Actually, I’d kind of like to try that.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Howard: Be right back.
Penny: When did I have pistachios?
Scene: Professor Proton’s house.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.
Arthur: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?
Arthur: Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty.
Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.
Arthur: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
Arthur: She sounds like a keeper.
Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.
Arthur: All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night.
Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.
Arthur: Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.
Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or d*ad.
Arthur: I should be so lucky.
Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?
Arthur: You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.
Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.
Arthur: Good night.
Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it.
Arthur: You’re annoying.
Sheldon: Well, that really hurt.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would be doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
Arthur: If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.
Leonard: Why is it odd?
Sheldon: Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
Arthur: That’s what I told my lawyers.
Leonard: Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.
Bill: He said I’d be speaking to a class.
Sheldon: No, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let’s go.
Bill: What are you guys working on?
Leonard: Oh, uh, we’re making nano vacuum tubes.
Bill: Oh, that’s interesting.
Arthur: Haven’t you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, guys, what do you think?
Amy: Wow, Penny, good job.
Penny: Thanks. Target, four ninety-nine. I’m getting a drink.
Amy: What are you working on?
Raj: Ah, I’m making a necklace for my mom.
Amy: That’s sweet.
Raj: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a bit of a rough patch, so I wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
Penny: What’s going on with them?
Raj: They’re just having a little trouble communicating. My dad says it’s because the sound of my mom’s voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.
Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Amy: Hello.
Howard: Look who’s here to put the Jew in jewellery night.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, so it’s fine when you say it.
Howard: Sorry we’re late. I wanted to swing by the lab and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use.
Raj: I didn’t know you were coming again.
Howard: Well, last week was a blast. Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
Penny (laughing): It was not funny.
Amy: So, what tools did you bring?
Howard: Everything we need to make jewellery moulds. Here’s some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooh, that looks like fun.
Bernadette: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to f*re.
Howard: Okay, who’s up first?
Amy: Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet for your mom to go with the necklace?
Raj: No, thanks.
Howard: I was gonna make a necklace for my mom, but unfortunately she doesn’t have a neck. She’s just chins and fat and feet.
Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.
Leonard: Okay, we’re almost ready to go. Once we bond the wires, we can test the tubes.
Arthur: This is so exciting, I, I feel like I’m 75 again.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Arthur: What, what is it?
Leonard: Sheldon just sent me a picture of him and Bill Nye getting smoothies.
Arthur: Can, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Arthur: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, uh, you know, because we’re friends.
Arthur: Why?
Leonard: Wow, you ask really hard questions.
Arthur: Yeah.
Leonard: Look, I know he can be aggravating, but what you have to remember is that he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. But he’s also loyal and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Arthur: You, you know you’re describing a dog.
Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defence, I came up behind him while he was eating, so…
Arthur: Yeah, they, they hate that.
Leonard: You know what, Sheldon is the smartest person I have ever met. And he’s a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him, too.
Arthur: Why, why is that?
Leonard: Boy, you will not let this go, will you? Oh, jeez.
Arthur: Another photo from Sheldon?
Leonard: No, I have to go pick him up. Bill Nye ditched him at the smoothie place.
Arthur: He probably stole his wallet, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Howard: You know, if you guys are interested, there’s a technique where I can take a lock of your hair, refine it into carbon dust and use the hydraulic press at work to turn it into a tiny little diamond with your DNA in it.
Penny: Oh, that’s amazing,
Howard: Yeah. See Bernie’s engagement ring? That came right off my mom’s back.
Bernadette: He’s kidding. If that were true, it’d be so much bigger.
Raj: My name is Howard. I can make your hair into diamonds. My mom is morbidly obese. Everybody love me.
Howard: Whoa, where is that coming from?
Raj: I’ll tell you where it’s coming from. All you do is make fun of me for coming to girls’ night and now you’re here ruining it for everyone.
Penny: Raj, cool it, he’s gonna make us hair diamonds.
Howard: How am I ruining anything? I’m just trying to help you make better jewellery.
Raj: But this isn’t about the jewellery. This is about me having a place where I can open up about my feelings.
Howard: Since when can’t you open up with me?
Raj: There are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls, because they won’t make fun of me or and call me names, or ask me if my Koothrapanties are in a bunch.
Howard: Buddy, I was just joking around.
Raj: Yeah, well, sometimes your jokes hurt.
Howard: You’re right. I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way. It was very brave of you to tell me.
Raj: Thank you. It wasn’t easy.
Amy: They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Arthur?
Arthur: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.
Arthur: Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.
Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.
Arthur: No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you.
Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.
Arthur: No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.
Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.
Arthur: Oh. Uh, great.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.
Arthur: And, what did you think?
Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing.
Arthur: Mmm. Thank you.
Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired.
Arthur: Oh, well, that, that means a lot to me.
Sheldon: Can I invite you in for tea?
Arthur: Uh, no, no. I, I really, I have, I have to run.
Penny: Hey, Arthur. How are you?
Arthur: Well, I guess one cup wouldn’t hurt.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Oh, hey, buddy, what’s up?
Raj: Well, I was feeling bad about how I acted the other night so I made you a little something.
Howard: You didn’t have to do that.
Raj: Well, it was fun. I used some of the jewellery techniques you taught us. It’s a lightsabre belt buckle.
Howard: Wow, this is so cool. Thanks.
Raj: Oh gets better.
Howard: Wow.
Raj: And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?
Leonard: He can’t help it. He can’t. He really can’t.
Sheldon: Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can sh**t it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.
Arthur: So, you, uh, you have, you have any, single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they’re both married.
Arthur: Good.
Penny: Mmm.
Arthur: Hap, hap, happily? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x07 - The Proton Displacement"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play.
Leonard: Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard: That one over there.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?
Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?
Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.
Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.
Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?
Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.
Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.
Leonard: Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college.
Penny: Aw, did she hate you?
Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.
Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?
Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there.
Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.
Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.
Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.
Leonard: Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.
Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider.
Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?
Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: I mean it, I’m going to.
Sheldon: I believe you.
Leonard: And you’re going to stay calm?
Sheldon: I said I would.
Leonard: How about that? Sheldon’s being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.
Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.
Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Leonard: Well, I don’t know how to do that.
Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
Leonard: That’s stupid. Why?
Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
Leonard: I’m telling you, try the hanger.
Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.
Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?
Scene: The cheesecake factory bar.
Bernadette: Penny, can we please get our drinks?
Penny: Yeah, hang on, just give me sec.
Amy: At work today, I did an in vivo stereotaxic surgery.
Bernadette: Cool. At my lab, I performed ten laser capture micro-dissections.
Penny: I scraped gum off the bottom of that table. Only ’cause my manager saw me put it there.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. That’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
Bernadette: That’s Lucy?
Penny: I don’t know why but I always pictured her as Indian.
Bernadette: I think that reason’s called racism.
Penny: I’m gonna go talk to her.
Bernadette: Why? What are you gonna say?
Penny: I’m not gonna say anything. I just want to check her out. Because she hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s r*cist now?
Bernadette: You because you just called him your Indian friend.
Penny: Yeah, well, you’re short.
Amy: We’re never getting our drinks.
Bernadette: No, but we knew that.
Penny: Hey, can I start you off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Raj Koothrappali’s. Actually Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow. How’s he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know, he’s good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah, this is none of my business. But why did you break up with him in an e-mail?
Lucy: Oh, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yeah, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? ‘Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I’m sorry, this is rude of me. I will go get that water. See, see, see, see. Just now you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me, but not Raj?
Lucy: I don’t know your e-mail.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here, perfectly happy and he’s at home, a blubbering mess.
Lucy: Oh, I thought you said he was okay.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, you want to hear the specials?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, you can never take it off?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Not even to sleep?
Leonard: No.
Howard: So, you’re just an idiot?
Leonard: It’s called proving a point.
Howard: Is the point that you’re an idiot?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.
Raj: So, how are you gonna return the DVD if the store went out of business?
Leonard: Monday morning I’ll go downtown, look up the owner’s information and send him the DVD. Pay the late fee, and prove to Sheldon that you can have a problem and solve it without acting like a complete lunatic. Ah!
Howard: And the man impersonating a bear would like everyone to know that only you can prevent forest fires.
Raj: I don’t get it.
Howard: You didn’t have Smokey the Bear in India?
Raj: No. Oh, is he anything like, uh, Mun-Mun the Mongoose? He taught us not to play with cobras.
Howard: You had to be taught not to play with cobras?
Raj: You had to be taught not to burn down the forest?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hey, if you guys were hungry, why didn’t you order something at the restaurant?
Bernadette: We did, you never brought it.
Penny: Oh, that’s right. Nachos and a turkey club.
Amy: Not even close.
Penny: Well, I was too busy standing up for my friend to worry about your, I want to say salmon.
Amy: You want to say sorry.
Bernadette: So, how are you gonna tell Raj abut what you did?
Penny: What do you mean how? What’s the big deal?
Amy: You told Lucy he was a pathetic mess.
Bernadette: Then you made her cry and leave.
Penny: Okay, you guys are overreacting. Raj is gonna appreciate how I had his back.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I’m a desperate mess instead of just being pretty sure. (Phone text sound) It’s Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I love you, Penny.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Hey, what’re you working on?
Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.
Howard: That’s a pretty cool idea.
Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.
Howard: Sure.
Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.
Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.
Leonard: Or it’s resolved.
Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.
Howard: I believe this is yours.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: Can I ask you guys a question? So, I’m seeing Lucy tomorrow night, and I’ve never hung out with someone who broke up with me. How do you do it?
Howard: You can’t let her know you’re hurting. You know, the key is confidence.
Raj: Why is the key always confidence? How come it’s never love handles and flop sweat?
Bernadette: If this girl hurt you so much, are you sure you want to see her again?
Howard: Well, if I may, he has so little self-respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube, and he’d still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.
Raj: He’s right. But in my defence, if we could survive that, we could survive anything.
Bernadette: Well, if you’re sure you want to do this, it’s only coffee, just relax and see what happens.
Raj: Well, can I say she looks nice?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Can I tell her I miss her?
Bernadette: Maybe, if she asks.
Raj: Oh, can I show her an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our children and grandchildren?
Bernadette: I’d save that for the second date.
Raj: Good, good. ‘Cause no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the twins to look alike.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I’m just trying to find the stupid next of kin to this stupid video store owner so I can return the DVD and see the look on Sheldon’s stupid face when he sees that I didn’t let this get to me.
Penny: Sheldon’s not here. Why don’t you take the sweater off?
Leonard: There’s a principle at stake.
Penny: Which is?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares? Look at me.
Penny: Oh, my God! Is that sweater made of bees? Come on, take it off. I won’t tell.
Leonard: No, no, honey, if I take it off, Sheldon wins.
Penny: Sweetie, every night you don’t k*ll him in his sleep, he wins.
Leonard: No, it’s, it’s almost done. I just, I have to find the next of kin, and send ‘em the DVD and then just wait for someone with my complexion to die so I can get a skin graft.
Penny: Smile.
Leonard: What is that? What is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.
Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.
Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing?
Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?
Amy: I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?
Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.
Amy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Hello. Oh, it’s so good to see you.
Lucy: You, too.
Raj: Please, sit. I, uh, I got you a cappuccino. I remembered it was your favourite. I also got crumb cake, but I remembered it was my favourite and I ate it. Anyway, uh, how are you?
Lucy: I’m pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an e-mail.
Raj: Well, and I ate all the crumb cake. We both made mistakes.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: I’m so happy you asked me here, and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends, lovemaking partners, whatever.
Lucy: Oh, uh, I’m kind of seeing someone.
Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but just to be clear, it’s not me, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: This is all your fault, I should’ve listened to Mun-Mun because I’ve been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny. Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?
Penny: There’s a girl at the Cheesecake Factory I can set you up with.
Raj: I love you, Penny.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?
Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?
Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.
Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?
Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?
Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.
Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.
Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.
Leonard: Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?
Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!
Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon: I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Wow. You’re even prettier than Penny said. I can’t believe a girl like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Girl: Well, I don’t.
Raj: I don’t believe you, you’re lying to me.
Girl: What?
Raj: Oh, it’s okay. I have no morals and I’m desperately lonely. I’ll be the other man if you want a little something-something on the side.
Scene: The cheesecake factory.
Girl (to Penny): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (to Raj): What is wrong with you?
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (to a mirror): What is wrong with you? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x08 - The Itchy Brain Simulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: The math is all there. It’s not real.
Penny: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.
Raj: It’s horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They’re sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I’ve seen you eat, like, a million hamburgers.
Raj: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: Look, I’m telling you I’ve done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was 16 in Nebraska. What do you think?
Leonard: I think you’re the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.
Howard: Hey.
Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
Howard: Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.
Sheldon: Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.
Howard: Come on, it’ll be fun.
Penny: Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.
Howard: Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.
Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.
Leonard: It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
Sheldon: Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
Leonard: I want to go.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Raj: I’m in.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?
Amy: We do. And I expect you to be on your best behaviour.
Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard: You did?
Penny: Yeah, back when I was dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, we went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels, we had a really good turkey dinner. Which was surprising, since we were at a strip club.
Leonard: Wait, you went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one of those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: No, they’re not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: No, they’re not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon: He’s right.
Amy: They’re real.
Penny: But it didn’t seem real.
Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Hi, Dad.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Bernadette: Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
Mike: Uh, okay, yeah, it’s for everybody. I really just wanted to have a nice, quiet day at home and watch the game.
Bernadette: You can have a quiet day and watch the game here.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, the medicine’s not working.
Howard (off): You just took it. At least let it reach your first stomach. (entering) Hey, Mike. Let me help you out, there.
Mike: Thanks. What’s wrong with your mom?
Howard: Oh, her gout’s flaring up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): How can one little toe hurt so bad?
Howard: Maybe because that little piggy is being crushed by the barn. She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a, well, her.
Bernadette: I guess we’re gonna have to do all the cooking.
Howard: I have a better idea.
Bernadette: If you think you’re gonna make me do all this by myself, you’re crazy.
Howard: I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself.
Bernadette: Oh, well, that’s a great idea.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Amy: No traffic, we’re sailing.
Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.
Amy: Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a sl*ve.
Sheldon: Yes, Miss Amy.
Leonard: I can’t believe you’re married to that idiot.
Penny: Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof.
Leonard: Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.
Penny: I will. Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.
Penny: So how do I undo this?
Leonard: I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened.
Penny: Great, well, what do I have to do?
Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon: Hah!Penny? Next.
Amy: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy: Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s kitchen.
Bernadette: Thanks for saving the day.
Raj: Ah, no problem. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food. Uh, now, where does your mom keep the Crisco?
Howard: Um, I don’t know. Probably in a wad in her cheek.
Bernadette: I’ll help Raj in here. Why don’t you go keep my dad company?
Howard: He doesn’t want me in there. I’m the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
Bernadette: Don’t be silly, he loves you.
Howard: Does he?
Bernadette: Okay, he cares about you a lot.
Howard: Really?
Scene: The living room.
Bernadette: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there.
Howard: So your wife’s in Arizona with the grandkids?
Mike: Uh-huh.
Howard: You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to sh**t it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.
Amy: Happy Thanksgiving.
Sheldon: It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…
Amy: Sheldon.
Penny: Here. Thank you for having us.
Howard: What’s with you?
Leonard: Oh, she’s mad at me because she just found out she’s married to Zack.
Howard: Really? That dumb-ass she used to date? That’s hysterical.
Penny: I can’t believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.
Scene: The kitchen.
Amy: You need any help?
Raj: Uh, yeah, can you, uh, reach that, uh, gravy boat up there?
Amy: Uh, sure.
Raj: Great. That makes one of you. Okay, we have a lot to do and not much time to do it. Bernadette, you’re on corn, gravy and yam detail. Amy, you’re on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows. That’s right, I see you. Okay, if you have any questions, I’ll be over here basting my ass off. Focus is key.
Amy: Did you guys know Penny married Zack three years ago?
Together: What?
Scene: The living room.
Howard: You ever play football?
Mike: A little in college. You?
Howard: No. But I did get tackled in the hallway once. The whole school cheered.
Leonard: Okay, I found the, uh, court papers that you and Zack need to fill out. I’ll print them when we get home.
Penny: Fine.
Leonard: And we can just put this whole thing behind us.
Penny: Are you done?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we’re gonna talk about the rest of the day?
Leonard: Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it.
Penny: Ugh, I need some air.
Leonard: Wuh, Penny.
Sheldon: I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.
Mike: Listen to Stretch.
Leonard: How am I the bad guy? She’s the one who married someone else. I’m the victim.
Howard: Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re sleeping with his wife.
Mike: I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard: Sure.
Mike: I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?
Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.
Mike: How the hell do you know that?
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
Penny: Well, you’ll be happy to know I just spoke to Zack and he’s willing to sign the court papers. He’s on his way here now.
Leonard: Wait, you invited him here?
Penny: Yeah.
Mike: I’m getting ready to weigh in again.
Leonard: Come on.
Mike: What do you think they ought to do now?
Sheldon: I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.
Howard: Oh, I love a good blitz, especially with sour cream. Get it? ‘Cause it sounds like blintz.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did someone say blintz?
Scene: The dining room.
Leonard: I just don’t understand why you invited him here today.
Penny: Because you wouldn’t shut up about it. When I called him, he had nothing to do, so I just thought it would…
Raj: Hey, guys, I’m trying to cook in here.
Penny: Oh, sorry. We’ll keep it down.
Raj: No, no, speak up. I’m about to use the blender, and I don’t want to miss anything.
Leonard: Well, you might have to cook for one more because she invited Zack.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: Ooh!
Raj: My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: I don’t care for your mother’s bathroom. There’s not an angle to do one’s business without a clown figurine staring at you.
Howard: That’s why I sit.
Mike: Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
Mike: I was so pissed, I wanted to sh**t my TV.
Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.
Howard: Anyone need a beer?
Mike: Yeah.
Howard: Thank God.
Mike: So, does your dad still live in Texas?
Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.
Mike: I’m sorry to hear that.
Sheldon: So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.
Howard: Here you go.
Mike: Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.
Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.
Mike: Well, you’re having one with me.
Sheldon: All right.
Mike: To your dad.
Howard: I never had a beer with my dad, either.
Sheldon: Do you mind? We’re having a moment here.
Scene: The kitchen.
Amy: I can’t believe Penny’s married to Zack.
Raj: Wonder what she saw in that guy.
Bernadette: I don’t know. He’s sweet, he’s tall, handsome.
Amy: Broad shoulders, good hair.
Raj: Hmm. Wonder what she sees in Leonard.
Bernadette: How’s it going out there?
Howard: Sheldon and your dad are bonding and completely ignoring me.
Amy: I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it when he’s not looking.
Bernadette: What are they doing?
Howard: They’re drinking beer and watching football.
Bernadette: So why don’t you do that with them?
Howard: They don’t want me.
Bernadette: What do you mean?
Howard: Well, Sheldon started talking about how his dad isn’t alive any more, and they were toasting, and I tried to tell them about how sad I was when my dad abandoned…
Amy: Zack’s here!
Raj: Stir the gravy.
Bernadette: Sorry. I really want to hear how sad you are. I’ll be back in like five, ten minutes.
Scene: The dining room.
Leonard: Sorry she made you come over here on a holiday.
Zack: It’s all right. I didn’t have anything going on. Plus, Penny told me we’re married, and Thanksgiving’s a time to be with family.
Penny: Yeah, okay, great. Can we just get this over with?
Leonard: Yeah, uh, you guys have to sign here and here. On Monday, we’ll file for the annulment, and this marriage will be over.
Penny: Okay.
Zack: I don’t know if I want to sign it.
Raj, Bernadette and Amy: Ooh.
Leonard: Why won’t you sign it?
Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don’t have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? ‘Cause you didn’t know we were married until this morning.
Penny: Okay, look, Zack, come on. You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.
Leonard: You married him instead of me? Good call. Sign the papers.
Penny: Hang on. You know what? You have been a jerk about this all day. You always do this, whenever I mess up, you’re right there to make me feel even worse about it.
Leonard: That is not true.
Penny: Yeah, we could’ve waited till Monday, signed the papers, this all would have been over.
Leonard: You’re the one who invited him here.
Penny: Oh, there you go again, just another mistake you’re throwing in my face.
Zack: Not cool, bro. I’m starting to think you’re not the kind of guy I want dating my wife.
Leonard: Yeah, well, she’s not gonna be your wife for long.
Zack: Oh, no. Are you dying?
Penny: I’m about to. Sign the paper.
Zack: Know what they say, happy wife, happy life. Let’s eat.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon (burping): Two, three, eight, four, six. (Normal) That’s all I can do without throwing up.
Mike: That is not what I expected when you said you were gonna burp pie.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did somebody say pie?
Mike: I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.
Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.
Mike: Me, too.
Bernadette: Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.
Amy: All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette: It’s okay.
Howard: Don’t worry about it.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Ain’t she great?
Mike: Mmm.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now, how’s about you get us a couple of beers?
Scene: The dining room.
Bernadette: Thanks again for cooking.
Amy: Yeah, everything was delicious.
Raj: Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
Mike: Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?
Sheldon: This is a Jewish house. I don’t think they have pigskin.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did someone say pigskin?
Penny: Hey, I’m sorry about today. And I promise, next time I get married, it won’t be a joke. It’ll be for love. Or money.
Leonard: I’m sorry, too.
Zack: Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.
Mike: I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Mike: Well, I’m drunk.
Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x09 - The Thanksgiving Decoupling"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A radio studio.
Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first s*ab super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.
Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.
Sheldon: Yes.
Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.
Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.
Ira: It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.
Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?
Ira: That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an att*ck by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.
Amy: I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard: Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.
Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: Mmm, you clearly haven’t been with me at Mardi Gras.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Want to pause the video game and help me clean up?
Howard: I am cleaning up. Look at the mess the Joker made of Gotham City.
Bernadette: Come on, it’s your friend who’s coming to stay here.
Howard: Raj grew up in India. Trust me, he’s seen worse.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: I promise I’ll help out the rest of the week.
Bernadette: The rest of the week? You said it was just gonna be a night or two.
Howard: Yeah, but if I told you a week, would you have said yes?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Then you left me no choice.
Bernadette: I love Raj, but that’s a long time for a house guest.
Howard: I know, but they’re tenting his building. He can’t find a hotel he likes that allows dogs.
Bernadette: He’s bringing Cinnamon?
Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set.
Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: Do you have cookies?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?
Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.
Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.
Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that.
Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.
Wil: I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.
Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?
Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.
Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.
Amy: Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.
Wil: Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games.
Amy: Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so…
Wil: I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.
Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.
Wil: Good.
Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me?
Wil: Sure.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.
Wil:Can I blow the whistle?
Sheldon: You should probably go.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: You’re gonna brush your teeth on my couch?
Raj: No, I’m gonna brush Cinnamon’s teeth.
Howard: Why bother? She spends half the time licking her butt.
Raj: And the other half licking my face. That’s why I’m brushing her teeth.
Bernadette: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m so late. Did you already have dinner?
Howard: No, we were waiting for you.
Bernadette: Aw, that’s so sweet.
Howard: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
Raj: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work. Let me get you a glass of wine. I’ll cook dinner.
Bermadette: Oh, Raj, you’re our guest.
Raj: Don’t be silly. Sit. You look like you’ve had a long day.
Howard: No, she always looks like that. Because she married an idiot.
Bernadette: Thank you, Raj.
Raj: Please, this is my way of thanking you for letting me stay here. Now, tell us all about your day.
Bernadette: Okay, um, well, first, I was late to a meeting ’cause I was stuck in traffic.
Howard: Well, I keep telling you to put that traffic app on your phone.
Raj: Hey, when you got home today complaining that you felt sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said, aw, that must hurt, and I rubbed your belly.
Howard: I thought of you the whole time.
Raj: All I’m saying is there’s a time to just listen.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Raj: There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, you’re in a good mood.
Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.
Leonard: Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.
Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.
Sheldon: So no more interviews?
Leonard: No, it’s all over.
Sheldon: I can’t believe it.
Leonard: Well, you’re welcome.
Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.
Leonard: I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.
Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.
Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.
Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,
Penny: Hey, what’s with all the yelling?
Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,
Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.
Penny: He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.
Sheldon: Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.
Leonard: Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.
Penny: Actually, I get what he’s saying.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.
Penny: It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.
Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.
Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.
Leonard: Fine, I’ll publish.
Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Aw! Raj did the dishes.
Howard: How do you know I didn’t do them?
Bernadette: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
Raj: Good morning, everybody. I picked up coffee while I was out. Bernadette, here’s your soy peppermint mocha.
Bernadette: Aw, you didn’t have to do that.
Raj: Oh, my pleasure, and don’t worry about your presentation today. You’re gonna be great.
Howard: Yeah, you’re gonna knock it out of the park.
Bernadette: What presentation do I have today?
Howard: Just go.
Raj: He loves you.
Howard: What are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad?
Raj: I’m just being a good house guest.
Howard: No, you’re being a better husband than I am. Doing the dishes, getting coffee, knowing about her life, who does that?
Raj: Oh, come on, I brought you one, too.
Howard: I don’t want coffee.
Raj: That’s why I got you hot chocolate.
Howard: Give me that. Just stop showing me up.
Raj: Howard, listen to me. You’re a great husband. Yes, your listening skills could use some work. But it’s amazing how far you’ve come given that you’re an only child raised by an over-protective mom.
Howard: Um, is this getting weird?
Raj: Hang on.
Howard: So, yes.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.
Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.
Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.
Barry: Thew he is. It’s my favowite superhewo, the Wetwactor.
Leonard: Come on, don’t give him a hard time.
Barry: I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team.
Leonard: It’s not a big deal.
Barry: It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.
Leonard: Okay, Barry, that’s enough.
Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.
Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.
Sheldon: You’re right, That was uncalled for. I take it back.
Barry: Of course you do. Because you’re the Wetwactor.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you’re here much longer, I’m gonna have to buy bigger clothes.
Raj: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You’ve been looking too skinny lately.
Bernadette: Aw. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
Howard: What are you talking about? Remember last week, when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren’t? How’s that different?
Bernadette: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful, like your friend Raj.
Howard: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Bernadette: Oh, really?
Howard: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning. And there was a note inside that said go get ‘em.
Bernadette: Like I don’t do enough around here. Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note telling you to go get ‘em? You’re a grown man, you should know to go get ‘em.
Howard: I do know to go get ‘em, but sometimes it’s nice to have emotional support when I’m going and getting them.
Raj: Hey, hey, do you hear yourselves? Let’s just, you know, all calm down and take a step back.
Bernadette: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
Howard: I don’t know. I guess I was just feeling like I’m a lousy husband.
Bernadette: You’re not a lousy husband. You’re a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Howard: Are you kidding? You’re the best. I know what the problem is. It’s him.
Raj: Oh, what did I do?
Howard: You made us feel like we’re not trying hard enough.
Bernadette: Yeah, we were totally fine half-assing our marriage till you showed up.
Raj: Look, I’m sorry you’re upset with me, but I just have to say it’s nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Howard: Oh, it does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
Bernadette: I back you up all the time.
Howard: That is not… he’s doing it again.
Bernadette: What is wrong with you?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I can’t believe they kicked you out.
Raj: I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again.
Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA.
Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard: Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out.
Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better…
Sheldon: It probably won’t.
Penny: You’re probably right.
Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?
Sheldon: Oh, everything is just sex with you isn’t it?
Raj: Sheldon, I think you might find the support you’re looking for if you realize that relationships are a give and take. She can only be there for you as much as you are for her.
Amy: Thank you, Rajesh.
Raj: And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms.
Amy: You should probably go.
Scene: The radio studio.
Ira: I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.
Ira: It’s all right.
Sheldon: Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?
Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.
Leonard: He asked me.
Sheldon: Fine.
Leonard: As I was saying…
Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.
Ira: You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.
Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?
Ira: Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.
Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.
Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio.
Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a sh*t every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn’t it?
Sheldon: You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)
Amy: I’ll get the vodka. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x10 - The Discovery Dissipation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Amy are playing a ski-ing game.
Penny: Wow, you’re really good at this.
Amy: Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I’m like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard: Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next?
Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.
Leonard: Where?
Sheldon: Texas.
Amy: Right now? Why?
Leonard: Is someone sick?
Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?
Leonard: Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.
Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.
Penny: Wow, so, how long will you be gone?
Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?
Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, here’s the deal. Sheldon is gone, so the tree decorating rules are out the window.
Penny: Yeah, which means we don’t have to use his ridiculous ornament-spacing template.
Leonard: And I’m happy to report its kickstarter campaign is holding strong at zero dollars.
Penny: Ah.
Raj: Wait, so Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard: I know, it’s crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people. (All whoop)
Howard: I’ve never done this before. It’s kind of fun.
Raj: Yeah, if your mom could see her little Bar Mitzvah boy right now, she’d have a heart att*ck.
Bernadette: Good idea, I’ll take a picture.
Penny: Honey, I’m a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you this.
Leonard: I love it.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: But it is what you got me last year.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: And last night.
Stuart: Hello.
Various: Hey, Hi, Stuart. etc
Stuart: Oh, good, I’m glad you guys didn’t wait for me to start. Although you said seven and it’s, it’s seven, but that’s fine.
Amy (ringing from tablet): Oh, it’s probably Sheldon. Hi, Sheldon. Everybody’s here, say hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Howdy.
Bernadette: Hi.
Stuart: Hello.
Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
Amy: Yeah, kinda.
Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.
Penny: Hey, how’s your sister?
Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.
Amy: That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital?
Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.
Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.
Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.
Mrs Cooper (off): Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. I picked the wrong day to wear my good robot T-shirt.
Raj: If you were having Sheldon’s baby would you really want him in the room?
Penny: Yeah, if he’s in the room when they’re making the baby, I’ll give you ten dollars.
Bernadette: Hey, I brought over It’s a Wonderful Life if you guys want to watch it later.
Amy: Oh, I love that movie.
Raj: I’ve never seen it.
Stuart: Me neither.
Amy: It’s great. It’s Christmastime and Jimmy Stewart’s really depressed and he’s gonna jump off a bridge and k*ll himself.
Stuart: Don’t need to see it. Living it.
Bernadette: But then he gets to see what the world would be like if he’d never been born.
Penny: Hey, you ever imagine what that would be like? Not being born?
Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think?
Amy: You make jokes about Sheldon, but if it weren’t for him, I don’t think any of us would be sitting in this room right now.
Howard: Really? Sheldon not being here is the main reason I’m in this room.
Amy: It’s true. None of you would know me. You wouldn’t know Bernadette. You wouldn’t be dating Penny.
Leonard: You don’t know that. I’ve been going to the Cheesecake Factory for years. I could have picked her up. (General laughter)
Penny: Oh, you weren’t joking.
Leonard: No.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, let me tell you exactly how that would have gone down.
Fantasy sequence in Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna ask her out.
Howard: I’m gonna squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry, I thought we’re saying things that are never gonna happen.
Raj: Maybe this time he’s going to do it.
Howard: Hope you’re thirsty, here it comes.
Leonard: Watch me.
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order or you need a few minutes?
Leonard: I, uh, ah, um, I…
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj: You didn’t ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard: Fine, then go talk to her on your own.
Leonard: I will. Excuse me.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, uh, um, I’m Leonard?
Penny: Really? You don’t sound so sure.
Leonard: No, I am he. Uh, any, anyway, um, there’s been something I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: Eh, uh, well, I was wondering, if you’re not too busy, um, uh, if, if you’d be interested in telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you’re too late.
End fantasy sequence
Leonard: Come on, I would not have peed my pants.
Howard: She nailed it.
Raj: Sounds about right.
Leonard: But, you forget, I did ask you out in real life.
Amy: Which couldn’t have happened if you didn’t live across the hall from her, which couldn’t have happened without Sheldon. Same goes with you guys. If Leonard wasn’t with Penny, she never would have set you up.
Howard: Doesn’t matter. Bernadette still would’ve been working at The Cheesecake Factory, and I still would’ve been working this beefcake factory. You would’ve been all over me.
Bernadette: Well…
Fantasy sequence in the Cheesecake Factory.
Bernadette: Hey, Penny, can I take that table?
Penny: Sure, why?
Bernadette: The one in the turtleneck is cute.
Raj: Open wide, here comes the happy train.
Howard: Mm-hmm, chug-a-chug-a, yum, yum.
Raj: Oh. Hang on. You got a, you got a little something. Ah.
Bernadette: Never mind.
End fantasy sequence.
Raj: Oh, man, that is so us.
Leonard: You know, maybe you and I wouldn’t be together, but you wouldn’t have done so great yourself.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would’ve ended up with.
Fantasy sequence in Penny’s apartment.
Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Did you remember to pay the rent?
Zack: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.
End fantasy sequence.
Penny: Hey, he may be an idiot, but at least he didn’t pee himself.
Leonard: Oh, hold on.
Fantasy sequence.
Zack: Aw, babe, I peed myself.
Penny: Me, too.
End fantasy sequence.
Leonard: The end.
Amy (Tablet ringing): Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay?
Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.
Amy: Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look.
Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.
Mrs Cooper (off): Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an e-mail. Happy holidays from Texas. And there’s pictures. Aah! Don’t open them. Do not open them.
Penny: Oh, come on. Childbirth is a natural, beautiful, uuurgh, it’s like someone sawed a cow in half.
Raj: My father’s a gynaecologist, I think I can handle it. And, now, I’m gay.
Bernadette: You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Fantasy sequence in the Laundry Room.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny. Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who’s wearing them.
End fantasy sequence.
Penny: Okay, that’s enough.
Leonard: Disagree.
Raj: Keep going.
Howard: More.
Fantasy sequence.
Penny: So, what do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon. I need you.
Sheldon: To what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.
Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.
End fantasy sequence.
Leonard: That’s enough.
Raj: Ew.
Stuart: I was okay with it.
Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Actually, much better.
Leonard: Oh, good. Is the baby born yet?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back.
Amy: Where’d you go?
Sheldon: My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.
Amy: Here’s another one. Penny, if it weren’t for Sheldon you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee.
Penny: Great.
Raj: At least Leonard, Howard and I would have always been friends.
Bernadette: Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together?
Leonard: We talked about it, but Howard was in a pretty serious relationship with his mom.
Howard: I lived with her to save money.
Raj: Yeah, you didn’t have to buy groceries ’cause you were breast-feeding.
Bernadette: Aw, so I guess if it weren’t for me, you’d still be living with her, huh?
Howard: Not exactly.
Penny: What do you mean, not exactly?
Howard: Well, things would be a little different.
Fantasy sequence in Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, where’s my lunch? I’m starving.
Howard: I know you’re starving. The neighbours know you’re starving. There’s starving people in Africa who know you’re starving.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): That’s it? There’s not enough food.
Howard:Well, you cleaned out Earth. I don’t know what else to do.
Bernadette: How is this any different?
Howard: You didn’t let me finish. Here you go, Mother.
d*ad Mrs Wolowitz: You’re a good boy, Howard, such a good boy.
End fantasy sequence.
Amy: Wait, did she die or did you k*ll her?
Howard: Eh, tomato, tomahto. The important thing is she’s d*ad.
Bernadette: Hey, so how come you two didn’t move in together?
Leonard: Oh, this guy wanted a place of his own because he was sure he was gonna be a ladies’ man.
Raj: Yeah, I was wrong. But I do think you and I would have had a great time.
Fantasy scene in Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Come on, Leonard, dinner.
Fat Leonard: Coming.
Leonard: Hang on. Why would I be fat?
Raj: You’d have no girlfriend to see you naked, you’d try to fill the void with food, and I’m an enabler who once deep-fried a pancake.
Leonard: Why can’t you be fat, too?
Fat Leonard: What do you want to do for dessert?
Fat Raj: I think there’s still half a cake from breakfast.
Fat Leonard: No, there’s not.
Fat Stuart: Hey, guys.
Fat Leonard and Raj: Stuart!
End fantasy sequence.
Raj: What are you doing?
Stuart: I just wanted to be in anyone’s story.
Raj: Yeah, but why are you fat?
Stuart: ‘Cause Leonard was fat.
Penny: Amy, what about you? What do you think you’d be doing if you never met Sheldon?
Amy: It’s hard to say, my life would be so different.
Howard: You can say better. Sheldon can’t hear you.
Amy: I don’t know.
Fantasy sequence in Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.)
End fantasy sequence.
Stuart: I’ll stop now.
Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: That’s it. The baby’s here. It’s a boy.
Penny: Aw.
Amy: Yay.
Raj: Congrats.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.
Leonard: Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.
Howard: Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon, you should go.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.
Sheldon: Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.
Bernadette: You actually got him to do it.
Rajj: Yeah, you keep saying how much Sheldon has affected all of us, but you’ve clearly had an impact on him.
Amy: If that were true, I wouldn’t still be living alone. Well, not exactly alone. I do have a 50 pound sack of rice with one of Sheldon’s T-shirts on it.
Leonard: I’m telling you, Sheldon cares for you more than you think.
Amy: I wish I could believe you. I also wish there wasn’t a mouse living in Rice Sheldon.
Leonard: Hang on, I’m gonna give you a little early Christmas present. I’m gonna show you something, but if you ever told Sheldon he’d probably never speak to me again. So, if you want to tell him, that’s fine. Look.
Amy: I don’t understand.
Leonard: He made you his screensaver.
Amy: Oh. Wow. I had no idea. He is so into me. Wait, wait, where’d I go?
Leonard: Oh, well, it’s you, Swamp Thing, Stephen Hawking, Spider-Man, but, look, you’re in the mix.
Amy: I am in the mix. And I’m the hottest one.
Penny: Who’s that?
Leonard: Oh, Madame Curie.
Amy: That’s fine, she’s d*ad.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You okay?
Amy: Just really glad you’re back.
Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.
Amy: I missed you.
Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.
Amy: Did you miss me?
Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: Or instead of me.
Amy: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: And? How did it make you feel?
Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.
Fantasy sequence at the Cheesecake Factory.
Fat Leonard: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna ask her out.
Howard: And chocolate milk is gonna squirt out of my nipples.
Fat Raj: Put up or shut up. You make it, I’ll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Fat Leonard: Uh, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend. In fact, there he is now. Ready to go, sweetheart?
Stuart: Not until I get my kiss. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x11 - The Cooper Extraction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: This is nice, that we all get to eat together.
Leonard: Absolutely.
Amy: Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.
Penny: Guys, guys, you’re never gonna believe this.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: I just got a part on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations.
Leonard: What? That’s great. Guys.
Howard: Oh, yeah
Sheldon: Yay, Penny.
Amy: What’s the show?
Penny: Um, NC… II… or, you know, NCSTD… I don’t know, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s the one with the letters and I’m gonna be on it!
Leonard: That’s amazing.
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What’s your part?
Penny: Um, I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooh, Mark Harmon, he’s a dreamboat.
Leonard: So it, it’s just flirting?
Penny: Well, yeah. Why?
Leonard: Uh, no reason. I just think it’s sexier when things are left to the imagination.
Amy: He’s wrong.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: So I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman’s phone number.
Leonard: Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
Raj: I don’t see why not.
Howard: If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.
Leonard: It’s a joke.
Sheldon: I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.
Penny: Hey, guys, don’t forget, my episode’s on TV tomorrow night.
Howard: We’ll be there.
Raj: Can we bring anything?
Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.
Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?
Leonard: No. Do you?
Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.
Leonard: I take it back. That was funny.
Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object.
Leonard: I bet that bit k*lled at The Chuckle Hut.
Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.
Leonard: You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem.
Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.
Leonard: Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…
Sheldon: I don’t get it.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Raj, when you said you were gonna bring a date to watch Penny’s thing tonight, I didn’t think you meant Stuart.
Howard: Really? I never for a second thought it’d be anything else.
Raj: I almost met someone last night, but I blew it. I was walking Cinnamon and this girl introduced herself, but she was so cute I panicked and said, wouldn’t it be easier if instead of talking we could just sniff each other’s butts?
Bernadette: Well, Stuart’s cute in his own way.
Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.
Howard: If you’re so intimidated by talking to attractive girls, maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.
Raj: You mean like fatties and uggos?
Bernadette: Or maybe just stop talking.
Howard: I’m serious. Go to the mall, talk to anybody, practice, that way when you eventually do talk to a cute girl, it won’t be so scary.
Bernadette: Or just keep dating the possum.
Scene: The apartment.
Voice on television: Parsa doesn’t have those kind of resources.
Second voice: No, and that’s why he had Erin Pace rewire it…
Leonard: I’m so proud of you.
Penny: We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.
Leonard: I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.
Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.
Amy: Why?
Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.
Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Okay, shh, guys, guys, this is it.
Man on TV: I guess it’s you and me, kid.
Mark Harmon on TV: What are you doing?
Woman on TV: I’m trying to make peace.
Mark Harmon on TV: We’re good.
Woman on TV: Good.
Mark Harmon on TV: Really? Because…
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Penny: Well, the diner scene. Where’s my diner scene?
Sheldon: Well, don’t ask me. Until I see the prequel, I’m lost.
Penny: No, there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it’s gone.
Bernadette: What happened?
Penny: They must’ve cut it.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I’m, I’m sorry.
Howard: That stinks.
Raj: I’m sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.
Sheldon: I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Dad, I don’t think they cut me out of the show because I was too pretty. No, I don’t need you to come out and kick Mark Harmon’s ass. Daddy, I gotta go. I love you. Bye.
Leonard: How you doing?
Penny: Ugh, this is such a disaster. My parents had all my relatives over. They got one of those six-foot sandwiches, and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and now he’s missing and the sandwich is missing, and they’re probably in Mexico by now. So humiliating.
Leonard: You still got the part. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, but this was supposed to be my break, okay? People were gonna see me in this show and it was gonna lead to bigger things. More auditions, more parts. Now none of that’s gonna happen.
Leonard: Honey, you only had, like, three lines. That wasn’t gonna happen anyway.
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: Oh, come on, no, that’s not what I meant.
Penny: Then what did you mean?
Leonard: I don’t, look, you know, words don’t always have to mean things.
Penny: I think you meant that you don’t believe in me.
Leonard: Nope. Uh, uh, I might not know what I meant, but I know that I didn’t mean that. Not this guy. Oh, no way.
Penny: I want you, right now, to give me your 100% honest opinion.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: So you think I’ll be on TV and in movies and win awards.
Leonard: Honestly?
Penny: Yes, honestly.
Leonard: I don’t.
Penny: How could you say that?
Leonard: I don’t know, I got all confused when you said honestly.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Look, do I think that you are talented and that you are beautiful? Of course I do. But isn’t Los Angeles full of actresses who are just as talented, just as beautiful? All right, look, we’ll come back to that.
Penny: No, please. Don’t stop, go on. Tell me how I’m gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Leonard: That is not what I said. Look, I think you’re really good. I truly do. But this is an incredibly hard thing that you’re sh**ting for. I mean, the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor are like a million to one.
Penny: Wow, thank you.
Leonard: Should’ve let Sheldon come.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise.
Amy: Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…
Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!
Amy: Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny.
Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
Amy: Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about her?
Raj: No. No pretty girls. The point is to talk to regular people and work our way up to pretty girls.
Stuart: Fine. How about that old lady with the walker?
Raj: That depends. On any level, do you think she’s hot?
Stuart: We’ll find somebody else.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Kumquat?
Amy: I guess.
Sheldon: Ointment?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?
Amy: I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore.
Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.
Amy: Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?
Sheldon: All of them.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You didn’t get your part cut.
Voice on TV: All right, baby, here’s the deal.
Penny: And you didn’t get your part cut. Yep, bunch of old guys rocking out in a band, all with erectile dysfunction, you didn’t get your part cut!
Leonard: Hey. Can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
Leonard: That was really crappy of me. What you’re trying to do is hard, but people do make it, and I really do believe you could be one of them.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And to show you how much I believe in you, I kind of got you an audition.
Penny: Are you serious? For what?
Leonard: The new Star Wars movie.
Penny: What? How did you manage that?
Leonard: There’s this thing online, you put yourself on tape and just send it in, anyone can do it.
Penny: Come on Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
Leonard: So? Even if it is, you have a huge advantage because you’re an actual actress. Most of the people doing this are just weirdoes and nerds. Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
Penny: Really, let it go.
Leonard: Look, maybe it is a long sh*t, but sometimes long sh*ts happen. Luke Skywalker was only given one chance to destroy the Death Star. He had to get a torpedo into an exhaust port that was only two meters wide, but with the help of The Force, he… wow, I can feel you hating me right now.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about that lady in the sweat suit, speed-walking?
Raj: Yeah, she seems friendly and easy to… never mind, she’s gone. You know, maybe talking to people is too hard.
Stuart: We could go over to that department store, practice on the mannequins.
Raj: I don’t know. They’re dressed very stylishly. They’re probably stuck-up. This is ridiculous. The next person that walks by, no matter who it is, they’re the one. We’re gonna die here.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Amy: Hello.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Where’s Sheldon?
Amy: He’s home trying to use science to determine the basis of humour.
Bernadette: That’s interesting.
Amy: It’s exhausting. Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy?
Bernadette: If you want him to stop, sometimes the easiest thing to do is just fake a laugh.
Howard: Fake a laugh? Do you ever do that with me?
Bernadette: No, of course not.
Howard: Well, I’d be able to tell anyway.
Bernadette: I don’t think you would.
Howard: Please, I’ve made plenty of girls laugh, sometimes just by asking them out. (Bernadette laughs uncontrollably) Yeah? Well, I fake my orgasms.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Yes, how much for a hundred long-stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn’t mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don’t think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um, I was just upset with myself. I wasn’t mad at you. I just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Come on. It’s okay.
Penny: No, it’s not okay. Look at me, okay? I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I’m still doing it. I can’t quit, because guess what? I can’t do anything else. And I finally get my big break, and it goes away. I’m such a mess.
Leonard: No, you’re not.
Penny: Really? ‘Cause this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn’t the only one in there.
Leonard: Okay, listen to me, this is just a minor setback.
Penny: No, it’s not, okay? I’ve been out here for, like, ten years. I’ve nothing to show for it.
Leonard: Well, you have me.
Penny: You’re right. I do have you. Mm. Let’s get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Ooh. Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: Did you seriously just say um?
Leonard: Look, you know I love you but, but you’re, you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost.
Penny: Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table.
Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?
Leonard: Really not a good time.
Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I’m gonna go.
Leonard: Penny, don’t.
Penny: No, no, I just need to be alone.
Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?
Leonard: To my room.
Sheldon: Should I follow you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.
Scene: The mall.
Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. I bet we could talk to them.
Raj: That’s a mirror.
Stuart: Oh, yeah.
Security Guard: Hey, fellas, mall’s closing.
Raj: Sorry.
Security Guard: Yeah. Good night.
Raj: Uh, excuse me.
Security Guard: Yeah?
Raj: Uh, do, do you like being a mall security guard?
Security Guard: It’s all right.
Raj: Okay, nice talking to you.
Stuart: Smooth.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Can’t sleep?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: That’s a good question.
Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?
Leonard: Because I’m afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.
Leonard: That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.
Leonard: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?
Sheldon: No. That wouldn’t be funny at all.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: Star Wars audition, take one, starring Howard Joel Wolowitz, real-life astronaut. Vader is here, now, on this moon. I felt his presence. He’s come for me. He can feel when I’m near…
Bernadette: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it’s empty?
Howard: I’m in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x12 - The Hesitation Ramification"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: It’s an outrage.
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.
Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.
Leonard: Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days.
Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.
Leonard: Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.
Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?
Leonard: It doesn’t.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: I’m gonna go talk to Penny.
Sheldon: I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Look, I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: Yeah. Come in.
Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard…
Leonard: No, no, no, no. I take it back. Don’t say it. Just, just hate me, but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen, I don’t want to break up with you.
Leonard: Oh. Oh, okay. Good, good. So, it’s cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn’t.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Look, you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was just frustrated because my career is going nowhere.
Leonard: Look, I get it, and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do.
Penny: Great, because I’ve been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work, I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that, I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Wow. That, that’s a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So, well, before making any rash…
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard: And I support you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.
Leonard: No. You’re on vacation.
Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?
Leonard: Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Please.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay.
Sheldon: But.
Leonard: I said stay. I’m going to work. Do not follow me.
Scene: The comic book store.
Bernadette: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry. Did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point, pretty much any customer does. What can I do for you?
Bernadette: Well, I need a little help. I accidentally destroyed one of Howard’s comic books this morning, and was hoping I could replace it.
Stuart: Wow. What happened?
Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
Stuart: Well, don’t let The Riddler know that. It’s a comic book joke. Or maybe it’s not.
Bernadette: Do you have this one?
Stuart: Uh, well, it’s, it’s pretty rare. Can you give me a few days to track it down?
Bernadette: Ooh, I was kind of hoping to get it before Howie comes home from work.
Stuart: Oh. What’s the hurry?
Bernadette: Well, he’s always saying I should be more careful with my curling iron, and it seems like a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right.
Stuart: Well, I’ll do what I can, but I can’t make any promises.
Bernadette: You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company. If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, antidepressants.
Stuart: Really? Do you have any of these?
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Amy: Hello, Mr. Rat Brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back us up now, are we?
Howard: Anybody home?
Amy: Hey, what brings you guys here?
Raj: Well, we were just on our way to lunch and wanted to see if you’d like to join.
Amy: Why? Because Sheldon’s not here this week, and you don’t think I have any other options? I’m just kidding. I’ll get my purse.
Bert: Hi, Amy. I, oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had any company.
Amy: That’s okay. Uh, Bert, this is Howard and Rajesh. Guys, this is Bert.
Howard: Hi.
Raj: Hey. Good to see you.
Bert: Anyway, I wanted to show you this tourmalinated quartzthat we got in the lab.
Amy: This is so pretty. Bert works for the geology department.
Bert: Yeah. You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You’re both into rock?
Bert: Yeah. Well, see ya.
Amy: Oh, you forgot your quartz.
Bert: Oh, it’s okay. I want you to have it. Bye.
Amy: He’s nice.
Howard: Yeah, he’s nice because he likes you.
Amy: What?! No, he doesn’t.
Raj: He brought you a pretty rock.
Amy: So? He does that every day. Oh.
Howard: You know, if you’d rather skip lunch and hang out with your boyfriend Bert, it’s totally okay.
Amy: He’s not my boyfriend.
Raj: Are you sure? He’s tall, pale and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj: Yeah, grow up, Howard. God.
Amy: What do I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Howard: Maybe the problem is he thinks you’re available. Does he know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I guess it hasn’t come up.
Howard: There you go.
Raj: And does Sheldon know you’re dating Sheldon?
Amy: I’m sorry. Who are you dating?
Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: You okay?
Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?
Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.
Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.
Sheldon: Well, have fun.
Penny: Okay. You want to come with me?
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Come on, boy. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go. Get in the car. Come on.
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart (on phone): All right, thanks a lot. They have one at Capital Comics.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s great.
Stuart: No, it’s not. I hate that place. Guy who owns it is a jerk. He’s always making me feel bad about myself.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s terrible. What’s the address?
Stuart: You know, why don’t I just take you there? That way, I can make sure he doesn’t rip you off.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks, but I don’twant you to close up. I mean, won’t you lose business? Sorry. That was mean.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Amy: Penny really quit The Cheesecake Factory?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: So, what is she doing today?
Leonard: I don’t know. She already thinks I don’t support this, so if I call, it might look like I’m checking up on her.
Raj: Well, do you support this?
Leonard: Of course I do. She’s a great actress. I’m proud she’s taking this risk.
Amy: That’s nice.
Leonard: You bought that? Great. I got to call her before I forget how I said it. Hey.
Penny: Hi. What’s up?
Leonard: Oh, how’s it going? You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually, I’m at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn’t want to say anything, but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah. I’m just returning my uniform.
Leonard: And I support you.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.
Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.
Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.
Voice: In.
Sheldon: Let me guess.
Voice: And out.
Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?
Penny: I didn’t get it.
Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.
Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake?
Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?
Penny: No. I’m serious.
Sheldon: Why do you ask?
Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?
Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.
Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?
Sheldon: Because he’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I need to start cracking the window when I leave you in the car.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Bert: Hey.
Amy: Hello, Bert.
Bert: So, anyway, there’s this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I, I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren’t you?
Bert: Yeah.
Amy: That’s very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That’s what you all say. You just don’t want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that’s not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don’t worry. I’m used to it. I mean, I’m big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.
Amy: Don’t say that.
Bert: It’s okay. I know I’m a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I’d love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It’s a date.
Amy: No, it’s not.
Bert: Too late.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Bernadette: Wow.
Stuart: Yeah. Haven’t seen this many people in my store since that Korean church bus crashed through my front window.
Jesse: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Jesse.
Jesse: Haven’t seen you in forever. Look how grey you’ve gotten.
Stuart: My hair’s exactly the same colour as always.
Jesse: No, I was talking about your skin.
Stuart: Look, uh, my friend here needs a comic book.
Jesse: Ooh, and she went into your store by mistake. Good thing there was no one there to see you. What do you need? Oh, yeah, yeah. I got this. Right over here.
Stuart: Even you, Sweatpants?
Sweatpants: Free popcorn.
Jesse: Can I offer you a coffee? Espresso? Latte?
Bernadette: No, thanks.
Jesse: How about you, Stu? Mocha? Scone? Directions to the nearest soup kitchen?
Bernadette: Hey.
Jesse: I’m just kidding. He knows where the soup kitchen is.
Stuart: It’s on Merton Avenue.
Bernadette: I don’t think I like the way you’re treating my friend.
Jesse: Sorry. You want the book or not?
Bernadette: Not from you. Let’s go, Stuart.
Stuart: You know something, Jesse? You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What’s that?
Stuart: Friendship. Which I would trade in a heartbeat for all of this.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Howard: The mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert.
Amy: So what am I supposed to do now?
Raj: Prepare your uterus for his gigantic offspring?
Amy: This isn’t funny. I’m gonna have to tell him the truth, that even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be interested in him.
Howard: Oh, I’ve heard those words so many times. From Linda Nosenchuck, Tammy Rosenworcel.
Raj: Padma Kapur, Neha Chowdury.
Howard: Marci Grossman, Lisa Mazzarino.
Raj: Megan Pincus.
Howard: Tammy Cho.
Raj: Oh, who was that girl from our Starbucks?
Howard: Arlene Russel.
Raj: Yes. Arlene. She wrote no way on both our cappuccinos.
Howard: Poor Bert. That guy’s got a rough afternoon ahead of him.
Amy: Well, how would you want a girl to tell you she wasn’t interested?
Raj: I guess, uh, I’d like her to sit me down, look me in the eye and say, I was wrong. I love you. And then maybe she could touch me in a special way.
Howard: That’s how you reject a guy.
Amy: Okay, I don’t have time for this. I’m just gonna go find him and be brutally honest.
Howard: No, don’t.
Raj: He’ll be so upset. He’ll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes.
Howard: You want us to talk to him?
Amy: Really? You would do that?
Raj: Sure. We’ve both been in his shoes. We’ll let him down with compassion and respect.
Amy: Thank you.
Howard: Let’s go.
Raj: So we tell him she’s a lesbian, right?
Howard: Of course we tell him she’s a lesbian.
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga.
Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.
Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today.
Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior.
Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
Penny: I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me.
Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.
Penny: Sheldon, take a break.
Sheldon: Namaste.
Penny: Okay, if you support me, what was with that phone call?
Leonard: Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it?
Penny: Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job?
Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.
Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Penny: Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this sh*t.
Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.
Leonard: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it.
Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it?
Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it’s scary for me, too.
Sheldon: I’m fine with it.
Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.
Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.
Scene: Capital Comics.
Jesse: You’re back.
Bernadette: Yes, I am, there’s a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart’s store is just fine, and he’s a much nicer person than you are, and if you still have that comic, I’d like to buy it right now.
Jesse: No problem. Oh, you want a latte while you wait?
Bernadette: No, I don’t want a latte. I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone.
Jesse: I only have chocolate chip.
Bernadette: Well, that sounds even better.
Scene: Bert’s car.
Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn’t want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-o-ow! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x13 - The Occupation Recalibration"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: T-minus 60 seconds.
Raj: Oh, it all comes down to this.
Leonard: Oh, I’ve got butterflies.
Sheldon: Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.
Penny: What’s going on?
Leonard: Hey. We’re about to buy tickets for Comic-Con.
Penny: Oh.
Howard: T Minus 45 seconds.
Leonard: They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…
Sheldon: Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.
Penny: This is a whole lot of weird before coffee.
Howard: T-minus 30 seconds.
Raj: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad.
Sheldon: Every year. I told you, wear a diaper.
Raj: And I told you I get diaper rash.
Howard: 15 seconds.
Leonard: Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.
Howard: Five, four, three, two, one.
Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.
Raj: Anyone in?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Not yet.
Howard: Nope.
Sheldon: Do not stop refreshing your screens.
All (repeatedly): Refresh. Refresh. Refresh….
Penny: Yeah, this is not gonna be enough coffee.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The same, shortly after.
All (repeatedly): Refresh… Refresh… Refresh…
Howard: It’s been ten minutes. We’re running out of time.
Penny: To be cool? Yeah.
Leonard: I did it, I did it, I’m in the queue.
Sheldon: Yay! And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
Raj: Uh, what number in line are you?
Leonard: Uh, fifteen…
Howard: Great.
Leonard: …thousand two hundred and eleven.
Howard: Damn.
Raj: Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left.
Howard: Really?
Leonard: Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left.
Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.
Leonard: Sunday’s gone.
Sheldon: Not Sunday, I love Sunday.
Raj: So that’s it? Everything’s sold out?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: I can’t believe we’re not going.
Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.
Penny: Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.
Sheldon: I can’t believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes.
Penny: What? You were all going as the Hulk?
Howard: Not the same Hulk. Ferrigno, Bana, Norton and Ruffalo.
Raj: We would have been the angry green belles of the masquerade ball.
All: Yeah.
Penny: And we’re back to the first kind of sad.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.
Leonard: Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us.
Sheldon: I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.
Leonard: Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.
Howard: I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell.
Sheldon: How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?
Leonard: The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.
Howard: Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.
Sheldon: You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): Yes, I’m starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven’t even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me.
Leonard: Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?
Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.
Leonard: Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.
Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.
Leonard: Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.
Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.
Leonard: Good luck.
Sheldon: No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe Leonard is spending hundreds of dollars on scalped tickets.
Amy: Last week, you spent that on a little dress.
Penny: Yeah, but those tickets only get him into Comic-Con. That dress gets me into anywhere I want.
Bernadette: Those tickets were pretty expensive. I had to give Howie an advance on his allowance. Now he’s never gonna put his toys away.
Amy: Why can’t they do something sensible like Sheldon and start their own comic book convention? Also, who wants to throw me out that window?
Bernadette: Well, while they’re acting like teenagers, we could do something grown-up.
Amy: Oh. You mean like a museum?
Penny: Yes, like a museum, but anything else.
Bernadette: Oh, I know. There’s a nice hotel not far from here where they do afternoon tea.
Amy: Ooh, afternoon tea, how sophisticated of us.
Penny: Oh, all right, if we’re gonna be fancy, I should probably put on clean underwear.
Bernadette: La-dee-da, look who has clean underwear.
Penny: No, we’re gonna stop at Target on the way.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, since Sheldon’s not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as.
Leonard: Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us.
Howard: Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.
Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape?
Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.
Raj: How are you gonna get James Earl Jones?
Sheldon: Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…
Howard: And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.
Sheldon: You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum…
Scene: The same, later.
Howard (on phone): Okay, great. Bye. Our friendly neighbourhood scalper says he’s running late.
Raj: Does he sound like a criminal?
Howard: What do you mean?
Raj: You know, did he say things like, youse guys, or, listen here, see?
Leonard: Yes. He, he’s late because he’s on his way here from 1940.
Raj: I’m just saying, we don’t know who this guy is. What if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys, or make a suit outof our skins?
Howard: Why would someone want to make clothes out of your skin?
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause dark doesn’t show the stains?
Leonard: Well, now you’re making me wonder if we should have met him at a neutral location.
Howard: Why do you think I told him to come to your place?
Scene: Hotel tea room.
Amy: There sure are a lot of little kids here.
Penny: I can’t believe we thought this would makes us feel grown up.
Bernadette: I can’t believe the waiter thought I was your daughter.
Amy: Well, last time I got dressed up and had tea was when I was five. Just me, my teddy bear, Raggedy Ann and my hamster.
Bernadette: That’s cute.
Amy: It was. Till my hamster ate all her babies. It got less cute really fast.
Bernadette: Should we leave?
Penny: Well, there’s a bar in the lobby.
Bernadette: I could go for a drink.
Amy: Aw. Drinking in the afternoon, just like her mommy.
Scene: A sushi restaurant.
James Earl Jones: Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?
Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.
James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie.
Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Okay, so, I’m on a Comic-Con message board, and there’s a post from a guy where he says he got caught using someone else’s badge, and Sheldon was right, he did get charged with petty theft. Guys, if I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message.
Leonard: Maybe this isn’t a good idea.
Howard: I can text the guy and tell him we changed our minds.
Raj: Do it.
Howard: Okay. We’re officially not going to Comic-Con.
Leonard: Hold on. We always do this.
Howard: Do what?
Leonard: Chicken out. We’re, we’re so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong.
Raj: That’s ’cause we’re the good guys.
Leonard: Even Batman breaks the rules.
Raj: You know I struggle with Batman.
Leonard: I say, this one time, instead of wimping out, let’s be badasses.
Raj: Okay, I’ll be a badass, but only if you pinky-swear to be one, too.
Leonard: Howard, you in on this?
Howard: No need. I’m breaking rules all the time.
Leonard: Name one.
Howard: Last night. Drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle.
Raj: What about that little cup they give you?
Howard: Yeah. What about it?
Raj: Are you impressed by that?
Leonard: A little.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Scene: The sushi restaurant.
James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.
Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?
James: He was not. How messed up was that?
Sheldon: So messed up.
James: What do you say let’s go have some fun? My wife’s in New York, and I got a Lion King residual cheque burning a hole in my pocket.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Penny: So, afternoon tea was a bust.
Amy: On the bright side, every six-year-old there was jealous of my tiara. Not gonna lie, it felt good.
Penny: Let me ask you a question, when did you guys start feeling grown up? ‘Cause I am not sure I do.
Bernadette: Honestly, I thought when I got married I would, but I still kind of feel like I’m pretending. It doesn’t help that most of my clothes come from Gap Kids.
Penny: Okay, so I’m an adult, and the other day I saw an old man slip and fall down, and I laughed. I mean, I laughed hard. Like, like, out loud. If he was conscious, he would’ve heard me.
Amy: Gosh.
Penny: I know. One of the tennis balls came off his walker and bounced right off his head. I mean, I, I almost wet myself. I guess you had to be there.
Amy: I think I have you both b*at. Imagine trying to feel like a grown-up when you’ve never even been with a man.
Penny: Okay, sex is not what makes you a grown-up.
Bernadette: Yeah. Or you’d be the oldest one here.
Penny: Really? Is that how you talk to your mother?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: He just parked. He’s on his way up.
Leonard: Good. This is exciting.
Raj: It is. I feel alive.
Leonard: Yeah. What if we do get caught, who cares? So we get banned from Comic-Con.
Raj: Maybe slapped with a fine.
Howard: Oh, no. I’d be an astronaut and a bad boy, how will women keep their pants on?
Raj: Uh, maybe it’ll come up when I apply for citizenship. Oh, crap, what if it comes up when I apply for citizenship?
Leonard: I wonder if we’d have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants.
Raj: He’s gonna be here any second, what should we do?
Howard: Okay, you guys are such babies. I’ll handle this. If he thinks we’re not home, he’ll go away.
Raj: I thought you were a badass.
Howard: I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup.
Scene: An ice cream parlour.
Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?
James: It is true.
Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?
James: They sure did.
Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?
James: That’s right.
Sheldon: Oh, James, I could listen to your stories all night.
Scene: The hotel bar.
Penny: I mean, really, what’s so great about being grown up?
Bernadette: Well, for starters, we’d be splitting this check three ways.
Penny: I’m serious. Who wants to do all that stuff? Have insurance, pay mortgages, leave one of those little notes when you h*t a parked car.
Amy: I told you it was Penny.
Penny: Oh, come on, it wasn’t me. Anyone could have knocked your mirror off, or whatever happened.
Amy: Maybe the guys are right. I mean, we spent the whole night trying to be mature, and it was kind of boring. I’m sure they’re having more fun than we are.
Scene: The apartment. Banging on door.
Howard: Oh, God, I could really use exactly two tablespoons of Pepto right now.
Scene: A big wheel.
Sheldon: Hey, Los Angeles. I’m on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he’s nicer than you think.
James: I am.
Scene: A karaoke bar.
Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…
James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…
Sheldon: Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh.
James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…
Sceme: Outside a house.
Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.
James: Shh.
Sheldon: Whose house is this?
James: Carrie Fisher. And she’s a little crazy, so get ready to run. (Rings doorbell)
Carrie Fisher: It’s not funny anymore, James.
James: Then why am I laughing?
Scene: A sauna.
James: Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night.
Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.
James: What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?
Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?
James: No. Something about a convention.
Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.
James: Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?
Sheldon: Really?
James: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night.
Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi.
James: Ay-yi-yi, bang-bang.
Scene: The same, later.
James: So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, who’s Angie Dickinson? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x14 - The Convention Conundrum"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.
Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list.
Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.
Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.
Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.
Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.
Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.
Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.
Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?
Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.
Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.
Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.
Amy: I got you your own room.
Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?
Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.
Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.
Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.
Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.
Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.
Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Are you sure you guys don’t want to come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room.
Penny: No, I think we’re just gonna have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.
Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?
Howard: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.
Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.
Raj: Since you two are gonna be around for Valentine’s, would you mind watching Cinnamon?
Penny: You have Valentine’s plans? Which came out sounding way more surprised than I meant. Here, let me try that again. You have Valent… See? I can’t do it.
Raj: I don’t have plans which is why I booked time on the big telescope that night.
Amy: Well, an evening looking at the stars, that’s still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I’ll be alone.
Amy: I’m trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.
Leonard: We’d be happy to watch Cinnamon.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room.
Penny: Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.
Scene: The Pullman dining car.
Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.
Amy: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Okay. Raj, I got it. Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy. He wanted me to say that he misses… Why am I doing this?
Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Leonard: Ooh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody’s trying to get me out of my panties.
Penny: Don’t be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. It came that way when I bought it.
Leonard: Got you a little something, too.
Penny: Aw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers tickets?
Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aw. You are the best boyfriend ever.
Leonard: Thank you. Seriously, please don’t make me go.
Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?
Leonard: Mm, don’t have to, we have the whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh, that’s true.
Leonard: In fact, if you want, we can do it right here on Sheldon’s spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Leonard: To the bedroom.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The dining car.
Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?
Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.
Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.
Sheldon: Get out of town.
Howard: Fun fact, I’m gonna jump off this train.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Cinnamon, guess who just did it human style.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: It’s a little late, but I’ll take it.
Penny: No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That’s really bad for dogs.
Leonard: Oh, crap. What are we gonna do?
Penny: We gotta get her to a vet right now.
Leonard: I don’t have a vet. I have a podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a dermatologist, a urologist. You’d think I’d have a vet.
Penny: Okay. There’s one not far from here. Come on. Let’s go.
Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.
Scene: The dining car.
Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.
Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.
Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.
Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.
Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud.
Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?
Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.
Man: Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Amy: Why do I even try?
Bernadette: I’m gonna fix this right now.
Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident.
Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.
Man: All right.
Bernadette: Great. Now there’s two of ‘em.
Scene: A vet’s surgery.
Lady Vet: How much chocolate did she eat?
Penny: A whole box.
Leonard: Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it before you gave it to me.
Penny: So the point is I may have saved her life.
Vet: I’m sorry, is this a joke to you?
Leonard: No. Maybe to her.
Vet: How big a box of chocolate was it?
Penny: Uh, something like this. I don’t know. It came free with a full t*nk of gas.
Leonard: Really? Do you know how much those Lakers tickets were?
Penny: Do you know how much gas is?
Vet: Hey.
Penny: Sorry.
Leonard: Sorry.
Raj: Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay? I can’t believe you two. You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs new organs, I’ll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts.
Vet: You’re the owner?
Raj: Owner, father, soul mate, and if anything happens to her, your worst nightmare.
Vet: Well, she’s not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I’m gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins.
Raj: Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up.
Vet: Got it. Should have been a dentist.
Scene: The dining car.
Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?
Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.
Man: Or was there?
Sheldon: What?
Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.
Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?
Howard: A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.
Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.
Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?
Waiter: Better than you think.
Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.
Sheldon: I never want this day to end.
Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.
Sheldon: Come on.
Man: Hey, did I tell you what happened to me at UPS?
Scene: The vets surgery.
Raj: As if Valentine’s Day wasn’t bad enough, you try to k*ll my dog? And with cheap chocolate, no less?
Penny: It wasn’t cheap. It was free.
Leonard: We’re really sorry. It was an accident.
Penny: Yeah, we weren’t even out of the room that long.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on. It was a while. It was a while.
Raj: Oh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay?
Vet: She’s responding well. We just want to keep her a little longer for observation.
Raj: All right. Uh, would, would it be okay for me to see her? We’re usually in bed by now, and I want her to know that I’m here. Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we spoon.
Vet: It’s okay. I sleep with my dog, too. We’re not supposed to let people in back, but I think I can make an exception.
Raj: Thank you.
Vet: Come on. By the way, I sang her Katy Perry.
Raj: Oh, yeah?
Vet: And I don’t care what that obnoxious parrot back there says. I crushed it.
Penny: I think there’s something going on between the two of them.
Leonard: Maybe, but you also think nine minutes isn’t a while, so what do you know?
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: You okay?
Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend’s off playing choo-choo with some weirdo?
Howard: Well, to be fair, they’re both weirdos.
Amy: I don’t know what made me think tonight would be any different.
Bernadette: Well, just the fact that you got him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I bet Howie 200
bucks it wasn’t gonna happen.
Howard: I’m going to the Lego store to get a big-ass R2-D2.
Bernadette: See? It’s not just Sheldon. They’re all idiots.
Howard: She’s right.
Bernadette: So, your boyfriend’s a fixer-upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at this guy. You think he came like this? When I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now, he’s been to space. That’s all me.
Howard: I had a little to do with it.
Bernadette: Oh, sure you did. Who’s Mama’s big space man?
Howard: I am.
Scene: The vets surgery.
Leonard: They’ve been in there, like, half an hour.
Penny: Yeah, for future reference, that’s a while.
Leonard: How long should we stay?
Penny: I don’t know. I’m kind of hungry.
Leonard: I saw a Thai place next door.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey.
Leonard: How’s she doing?
Penny: How is everything?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: She’s gonna be okay; they’re gonna let me take her home.
Penny: Oh, good.
Vet: So I want you to keep a close eye on her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few warning signs to look out for, and if you see any of them, don’t hesitate to call.
Raj: Oh. Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl.
Vet: My pleasure. Have a nice night.
Leonard: Yes, thank you for all your help.
Penny: Yeah. I’m sorry if you didn’t think we were taking it seriously. We love animals.
Vet: Oh, do you guys own any pets?
Penny: No.
Vet: Good.
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: I love you so much.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Howard: Sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry.
Man: You guys missed a pretty great time.
Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch.
Man: It was crazy.
Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.
Amy: Okay. I need to speak to my boyfriend in private, like, right now.
Howard: There’s a car with a glass roof. Want to go look at the stars?
Bernadette: Oh, that sounds so romantic.
Amy: Oh, give it a rest.
Bernadette: Let’s go.
Amy: Why are you still here?
Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.
Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.
Man: I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?
Sheldon: I get it.
Amy: Leave.
Sheldon: What is your problem?
Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?
Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.
Amy: That was nice.
Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
Amy: Okay, have fun.
Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?
Amy: Really? I do.
Man: Hey, guys, wait up.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip?
Sheldon: It was wonderful.
Leonard: Great. What did you do?
Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.
Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.
Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?
Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.
Leonard: Well, give it a go.
Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.
Leonard: Additional data. You dog.
Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x15 - The Locomotive Manipulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Howard: I’m thinking about growing a goatee.
Raj: Oh, actually that’s a Van d*ke. A goatee is just hair on the chin.
Leonard: Oh. Wait, then what is it if you just have hair up here?
Raj: You mean a moo-stache?
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Raj: Ha-ha, very funny. Make fun of the foreign guy. For your information, there are four times as many Indians as there are Americans, so the way we say it is right.
Howard: Say what?
Raj: Moo-stache.
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Bernadette: Guys, you’re being childish.
Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.
Amy: Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job.
Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.
Leonard: Oh, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’ll get ‘em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Just shut up.
Raj: Here, you can have your seat.
Penny: No, no, no, stay there. I’m fine on the floor.
Bernadette: Have you guys ever thought about getting a dining room table?
Amy: Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.
Raj: Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.
Sheldon: No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.
Leonard: I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.
Penny: Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
Howard: Hey, how come we never get that option?
Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
Penny: Translation?
Leonard: Waah. I don’t want a table.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?
Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.
Leonard: Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?
Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.
Leonard: Are you really gonna sit here all day?
Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.
Leonard: If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway.
Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.
Leonard: I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.
Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.
Leonard: Oh, hang on. Check your in-box.
Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument? Nary?
Sheldon: Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Check it out.
Raj: Magic wand TV remote?
Howard: Yeah, I can control all sorts of stuff.
Raj: Did Bernadette think it was cool?
Howard: Not when I said mute and pointed it at her face.
Raj: Oh, uh, let me try. Uh, channelis changeroni. This might be my second favorite brown magic wand.
Howard: Well, that’s the last time I play with that. (Phone rings) I have to take this. Hello? 00:04:24,137
Raj: Uh, off. And on. And the Oprah Network. This is so much better than watching TV like a muggle.
Howard: Okay. Thank you. We’ll be in touch. You’re not gonna believe this.
Raj: What’s going on? Oh. Wait. On. And off. What’s going on?
Howard: That was NASA. They want me to go back up to the space station.
Raj: Wow. What did you tell them?
Howard: I told them I’d be honoured.
Raj: A second trip to space, I’ll miss you.
Howard: And I’m gonna miss you, too.
Raj: And I just want you to know, I’m happy to look in on Bernadette while you’re gone.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: And if anything were to happen to you, we will name our first born son Howard. I’m just kidding. We’ll name him Dalib, after my grandfather.
Scene: A furniture store.
Penny: Ooh, this one looks nice.
Leonard: No. Sheldon doesn’t like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: He’s afraid the original owners will come back.
Penny: Yeah. Well, Sheldon’s not here.
Leonard: Well, he is here. So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Penny: All right, sweetie, you’re paying for this table, and it’s your apartment, too.
Leonard: I know, but…
Penny: No buts. You got to stop letting him boss you around.
Leonard: You’re right. I mean, he decides what TV shows we watch, what food we eat, who my favourite hobbit is. I wanted Frodo, but we can’t both have Frodo, so guess who’s stuck with Samwise Gamgee.
Penny: See? Right there. You’re a grown man, you should be able to pick whichever hobbit you want. Wish you wouldn’t, but one problem at a time.
Leonard: You make a lot of sense. I like this table, and I’m getting it.
Penny: Really? This one?
Leonard: That one? Damn right I like that one.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette: Fine. Can I at least shower first?
Howard: No, not that. Although you already agreed to it, so no take-backs.
Bernadette: What are you talking about?
Howard: Sit down. NASA called. The telescope mount I installed on the space station got damaged, and they want me to go back up and fix it.
Bernadette: Wow. Well, what did you say?
Howard: What do you think I said? I said yes. Why do you look surprised?
Bernadette: Well, it’s just, after last time, I didn’t think you’d ever want to go back.
Howard: Are you kidding? It was the greatest experience of my life.
Bernadette: Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over.
Howard: I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.
Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.
Penny: Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it.
Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.
Penny: Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair sh*t.
Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?
Leonard: We’re not.
Sheldon: What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.
Penny: Come on, that is ridiculous.
Leonard: She’s right, a committee that important should meet more often.
Penny: That’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: That.
Sheldon: Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard: Well, it’s always me, take one for the team.
Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard: Fancy sounds like a compliment.
Penny: Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.
Sheldon: That’s not true.
Penny: Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Sheldon: She told you?
Penny: Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.
Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard: Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon: No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.
Penny: Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard: Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, wait.
Sheldon: No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.
Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.
Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon: It doesn’t?
Amy: Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?
Amy: All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?
Sheldon: It is hideous.
Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.
Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy: Of course I was.
Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?
Amy: I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?
Amy: I think you’d be smart enough to see that, too.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Raj: It’s pretty exciting that NASA wants to send Howard back up.
Bermadette: Yeah, exciting. Can I ask you something?
Raj: Course.
Bernadette: He hated that entire experience. Does it make me an awful wife if I don’t think he should do it again?
Raj: Not at all. He’s forgotten how miserable he was the entire time he was up there. It’s like me in those moments when I miss India.
Bernadette: So you’ll talk to him?
Raj: Why me?
Bernadette: Well, I’m his wife, I don’t want to ruin it for him.
Raj: That’s the dynamic, I’m the fun one, you’re the buzzkill.
Bernadette: Since when am I the buzzkill?
Raj: Do you think this is cool?
Bernadette: No, I think it’s stupid.
Raj: Aha.
Bernadette: You’re right, it’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up.
Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.
Amy: Which you also figured out by yourself.
Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.
Penny: Well, I’m glad you’re still together.
Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.
Amy: Which is stronger than ever.
Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.
Howard: But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!
Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that space.
Amy: Damn it, I got cocky.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie. I’m home. Hello.
Bernadette: Hi, honey.
Howard: What’s going on?
Bernadette: Maybe you should have a seat.
Howard: Um, okay. I know my mom’s not d*ad, there’d be balloons.
Raj: Um, okay. First off, know that we all love you and cherish you.
Mike Rostenkowski: Well, I wouldn’t…
Bernadette: Daddy.
Mike R: You’re great.
Mike Massimino (on skype): Can I say something?
Raj: Oh, of course.
Mike M: Hey, Fruit Loops.
Howard: Massimino? Why are you here?
Mike M: Well, I heard you were thinking about going back up to the space station, and as someone who’s been there with you, well, you know how astronauts need to have the right stuff?
Howard: Sure.
Mike M: The stuff you have is wrong.
Howard: You don’t think I did a good job up there?
Mike M: You did a fine job. It’s just, you were scared and miserable the whole time.
Bernadette: I think what we’re all trying to say is, you don’t seem to be remembering how traumatic the experience was for you.
Raj: Like how women often forget the pain of childbirth.
Mike R: Like a woman. Great analogy.
Howard: Fine, maybe I was a little scared.
Mike M: You peed in your space suit.
Howard: You’re supposed to do that.
Mike M: Not during the fitting.
Mike R: Son, do I need to remind you what you asked me to do before you went up last time?
Howard: Hang on. That was just me joking around.
Mike R: You wanted me to sh**t you in the foot.
Howard: Come on, how is that not a joke? You got to get me out of this. sh**t me in the foot.
Bernadette: Don’t forget all the other astronauts picking on you.
Raj: And how you threw up in zero gravity, and it floated back in your mouth. And you threw up again. And so on and so on.
Mike M: That was funny.
Howard: Okay, so I wasn’t exactly John Glenn up there, but I’ve changed. I’m a different man now. Yeah, and I’m a little insulted that you guys don’t think I can handle it.
Mike M: You know you’re gonna have to go through survival training again.
Howard: Really?
Scene: A doctor’s surgery.
Howard: You’ve got to get me out of this.
Doctor: What do you want me to do? You’re perfectly healthy.
Howard: Check my blood pressure again. I can get it higher. just give me a second. (Dials phone)
Mrs Wolowitz (on phone): Hello?
Howard: Hi, Ma. How are you?
Mrs Wolowitz: How I am is not d*ad, but you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t love me enough to pick up the phone.
Howard: Go, go, go.
Mrs Wolowitz: For all you know, I could have slipped in the tub and drowned. That’s what happened to your Aunt Ida.
Doctor: Wow.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Howard, I’m so sorry your blood pressure was off the charts.
Howard: Oh, me, too. I mean, the doctor was willing to fudge the results, but it just seemed so darned dishonest.
Leonard: But the mission wouldn’t be for at least a year. Isn’t that enough time to get your blood pressure under…
Howard: Look, my blood pressure’s too high, okay? Drop it.
Penny: You know, my aunt changed her diet, and in a few months, she…
Howard: Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one.
Penny: Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us?
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.
Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?
Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.
Bernadette: Now I feel bad.
Leonard: Oh, don’t anthropomorphize him, he’s got big eyes, but his feelings are not like ours.
Bernadette: No, it just seems silly for us to sit in two groups.
Leonard: Well, it’s not silly if you think of that group as being led by a big, evil baby.
Bernadette: Look at Amy down there. Should we go?
Penny: Yeah, let’s go.
Leonard: But Penny, this was your idea. You said that I should stand up to him.
Penny: Forget it, Leonard. It’s over.
Leonard: Fine.
Amy: Rajesh?
Raj: Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here.
Bernadette: Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you.
Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.
Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?
Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes the baby wins. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x16 - The Table Polarization"} | foreverdreaming |
Sceme: The apartment
Bernadette: Raj, your tag’s sticking out.
Raj: Thank you. That was the closest I’ve come to sex in, like, two years.
Bernadette: Now I feel a little gross.
Raj: You’re only making it seem more real for me.
Howard: Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.
Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?
Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?
Leonard: Hey. I mean, it’s been a little tough, but Penny’s following her dreams, and in my book, that is not depressing.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Howard: Is that book called Lies I Tell to Get Sex?
Raj: Is that a real book? I would totally read that book.
Amy: Can I borrow it when you’re done?
Penny: Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Penny: Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful k*ller gorilla movie I was in.
Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.
Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.
Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.
Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So are you really not gonna do this movie?
Penny: Well, I don’t think it’s the kind of part that’s good for my career.
Leonard: Well, but don’t a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies?
Penny: Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from k*lling again!”
Raj: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong.
Leonard: I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.
Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.
Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.
Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.
Bernadette: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
Penny: Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices.
Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.
Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.
Howard: I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here.
Sheldon: I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.
Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny.
Bernadette: That was ten years ago.
Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.
Amy: Really?
Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.
Raj: I was there. It was funny.
Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.
Scene: The street
Amy: Thanks for walking me to my car.
Raj: Actually, it’s for both of us. Last night, I watched West Side Story, and I’m a little freaked out by street gangs.
Amy: Why can’t Raj find a girl? The mystery continues.
Raj: I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, but we’ve still got two blocks to go, so I’ll put up with it.
Amy: Whatever happened with your online dating?
Raj: No one was writing me back, so I stopped checking my profile.
Amy: Before I met Sheldon, I was ready to give up, too. Once, I even dropped in on my OBGYN just to get some human contact.
Raj: It has been a while since I got my prostate checked.
Amy: Then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now.
Raj: What? You’ve kissed, like, once in three years.
Amy: That’s true. Do whatever you want.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.
Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.
Howard: Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.
Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?
Howard: Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other.
Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.
Howard: Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.
Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: I’m glad because I would not have seen that coming.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Raj: Amy, I could use some help.
Amy: Oh. Let me guess. There’s an undergrad in a leather jacket snapping his fingers by the water fountain.
Raj: I thought about what you said last night, and I went back on the dating Web site and I was looking at this girl’s profile. She’s amazing.
Amy: Oh, she’s cute. And smart. Phi Beta Kappa.
Raj: And judging by her lack of Adam’s apple, she’s been female her entire life. I like that in a woman.
Amy: Great, so what do you need me for?
Raj: Well, I was up all night trying to write to her, but I wanted to run it by you first.
Amy: All right.
Raj: Emily, your face is like a precious dew-kissed flower.
Amy: Wow.
Raj: I know. Powerful stuff, huh?
Amy: No. You’re supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy.
Raj: Okay, I’m getting some mixed messages here.
Amy: Just say something normal like, I saw your profile. Looks like we have a lot in common, let’s get a cup of coffee sometime.”
Raj: Yes. Where I can be jealous of the cup touching your ruby lips. Or you just write it for me.
Amy: I’m not gonna pretend to be you.
Raj: I don’t want you to pretend to be me. You can be like my, uh, online wingman. Like if we met her at a bar and you talked me up.
Amy: Well, what would I say to her?
Raj: Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.
Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.
Penny: Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.
Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…
Penny: Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.
Sheldon: Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams?
Raj: Teams are fun.
Sheldon: Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj: But I’m always on Howard’s team. We’re best friends. The kind who finish each others…
Howard: I really don’t think we do tha…
Raj: Do that. See?
Penny: Oh, hi.
Leonard: Oh, how’d it go at the mechanic?
Penny: Not great. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Raj: Maybe I can go with you guys to Houston?
Howard: Isn’t it a little late to get plane tick…
Raj: Plane tickets? Yeah.
Howard: Will you please sto…
Raj: Stop that? Okay.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: I don’t know what to do. My car threw a rod and it’s totaled. I can’t afford a new one, I have no job, and now I can’t drive to auditions.
Leonard: I’m so sorry. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie?
Penny: I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.
Penny: How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.
Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.
Penny: I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?
Sheldon: It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Raj: Hey, you busy?
Amy: No. What’s up?
Raj: Have you heard back from Emily?
Amy: I have.
Raj: Great. And?
Amy: And I’m afraid she doesn’t think you’re right for her.
Raj: I give you one simple thing to do, contact a complete stranger and make her fall in love with me, and you blow it.
Amy: I told her what a good guy you are, but she thought it was a bad sign that you didn’t write to her yourself. She thought it made you seem too shy and passive.
Raj: I’m not too shy and passive. You write her back and tell her I said that. You know, when you have a second.
Amy: Look, I’ll see if I can change her mind tomorrow night.
Raj: What’s happening tomorrow night?
Amy: I’m meeting her for coffee.
Raj: What?
Amy: Well, we just, we e-mailed back and forth a bit, and we kind of h*t it off.
Raj: I find a girl I like, and you’re stealing her?
Amy: No. We just ended up having a lot in common. We went to Harvard, we like Chaucer, we’re both hardcore into quilting.
Raj: Your words fall like acid rain on the wounded petals of my heart.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: That’s Sheldon. He says he’ll be down in a minute.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: Oh, he’s not coming out until he sees proof you don’t have an air freshener in your car.
Bernadette: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
Howard: You’re the reason I’m doing it.
Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.
Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Hi.
Howard: Hey, buddy.
Bernadette: You excited for Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, very much so.
Howard: It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.
Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?
Howard: Buzz Aldrin.
Sheldon: Oh. Yay.
Scene: An airplane.
Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?
Howard: What now?
Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.
Howard: Well, it still doesn’t.
Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.
Howard: Fine.
Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?
Howard: I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.
Sheldon: Like when?
Howard: When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.
Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.
Howard: Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?
Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.
Howard: Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.
Sheldon: I take it back. I’m scared of turbulence!
Howard: I’m gonna need that bag back.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: You sure you want to do this?
Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I want to get my old job back? It’ll be fun to see everyone. I haven’t talked to them since I said I quit, see you at the Oscars, bitches. Come on, let’s just get this over with.
Leonard: Let’s get this over with. Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory, or are we having sex? I’m just, I’m trying to lighten the mood.
Penny: I know. Thank you.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: It’s just so humiliating.
Leonard: So humiliating? Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory…? I’m sorry. I’ll. I’ll stop. I’ll stop.
Scene: Outside the building.
Leonard: Come on, don’t look so sad. You never know what’s gonna happen. Maybe tonight will be great.
Penny: Sweetie, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, and I love you for that, but it’s making me feel worse, and I kind of hate you. This isn’t your car.
Leonard: I know. I thought we’d take yours.
Penny: I don’t understand.
Leonard: It’s nothing fancy, but it’ll get you to auditions, and at least for now, you don’t have to go back to waitressing.
Penny: I don’t know what to say.
Leonard: Don’t say anything.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: I mean, you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Amy: Look, I admit that it’s odd that Rajesh didn’t write to you himself, but if you get to know him, you’ll see he’s just a sweet, regular guy. As a counterpoint, here he is, uninvited and visibly sweaty.
Raj: Hello, Emily.
Emily: Hello.
Raj: Amy told me you were concerned that I might be too passive and shy. Let me ask you something. Would a passive guy barge in here to look you in the eye and say, hey, dew-kissed flower, what’s up?
Emily: No, but a weird guy with no boundaries might.
Raj: Uh, okay, that’s a separate issue. Let’s put a pin in that and just focus on the passive thing.
Emily: I’m leaving.
Amy: Are we still going to go to that Chaucer reading Friday?
Emily: You know, I think I’m just gonna go by myself.
Raj: Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either.
Scene: The airplane.
Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.
Howard: I’m sorry, too. It’s all my fault.
Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
Announcement: The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.
Howard: It’s over.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Howard: Should we stop holding hands now?
Sheldon: In a minute.
Howard: Okay, good. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x17 - The Friendship Turbulence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon’s spot?
Raj: He’s in Texas, he’ll never know.
Penny: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it’s true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.
Raj: Have you heard from Howard?
Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great.
Penny: Sheldon didn’t heckle him?
Bernadette: No, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobble head and astronaut ice cream.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Amy: Oh, hi.
Bernadette: Hi, Stuart.
Raj: Hey, Stuart!
Stuart: How’s it going?
Raj: Good. Sheldon’s out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn’t like.
Stuart: Oh, how is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy: I don’t know.
Bernadette: Well, I told Howie if I wasn’t busy, I’d spend the night at his mom’s. So for God’s sake, think of something.
Raj: Stuart? Are you okay?
Stuart: No, I don’t feel so…
Leonard: Oh, my God, Stuart?
Penny: Oh, my God, you guys need to do something!
Raj: Stuart?
Leonard: Calling 911.
Raj: Well, it’s too late.
Leonard: What do you mean it’s too late?
Raj: He’s been m*rder by someone in this room.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Oh, come on.
Raj: Welcome to another classic Koothrappali m*rder mystery dinner.
Amy: I’m leaving.
Raj: You can’t leave. You’re a suspect in the mysterious m*rder of Stuart Bloom.
Bernadette: I didn’t know his last name was Bloom.
Amy: Yeah, it’s Bloom.
Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be d*ad all night?
Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Are you gonna make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
Raj: Lame characters with silly ac…, what kind of actress are you?
Penny: You’re right, I’m sorry. Sounds like fun.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: That kind of actress. This sucks.
Leonard: Come on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that’s great. It’s not sad, it’s great.
Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.
Raj: Actually, you’re all just gonna be yourselves.
Amy: Oh, ugh.
Bernadette: All right, if I’m doing this, I’m playing to win, so just to be clear, if we’re ourselves, that means one of us k*lled Stuart?
Raj: Very good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi.
Bernadette: What is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes?
Raj: Or is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi?
Amy: According to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first.
Raj: Great, everyone’s a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the m*rder. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues.
Penny: Got it. Hey, who’s the m*rder?
Raj: Any question but that.
Penny: Sorry. Hey, who’s not the m*rder?
Stuart: Bernadette, can you not stand so close to me?
Bernadette: What do you care? You’re d*ad.
Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.
Scene: A hire car.
Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.
Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech.
Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?
Howard: We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.
Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.
Howard: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.
Howard: I was gonna say we pick up a cake or a pie. But an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: So, what happens next?
Raj: I can’t tell you that. But perhaps the k*ller dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.
Penny: Ooh, I’m gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer.
Amy: Hey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase.
Leonard: Oh, no, no. That’s Clarence Darrow. It’s from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system.
Raj: Well, unlike that, my games are much more fun.
Penny: Okay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff?
Raj: Well, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn’t have any friends.
Bernadette: I didn’t know you were fat.
Raj: Yeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn’t help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them.
Amy: That is so sweet.
Leonard: I’ve seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.
Bernadette: Hey, what about this? It looks like a receipt.
Amy: What’s it for?
Bernadette: For a cup of coffee. But it’s dated 20 years from now.
Raj: From the future? How fun and imaginative.
Leonard: So one of us came back from the future to m*rder Stuart?
Raj: Correct.
Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know he’s just ripping off Terminator?
Raj: Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison?
Leonard: Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier?
Penny: I’m gonna need another clue.
Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.
Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.
Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.
Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.
Howard: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on.
Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.
Scene: A bar in Texas.
Howard: You ready to talk about it?
Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?
Howard: Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?
Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?
Howard: Well, did she see you in the window?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Then don’t say anything.
Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?
Howard: Well, don’t do it on the phone.
Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.
Howard: That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.
Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.
Howard: Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.
Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Okay, m*rder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the k*ller must’ve used. You’re all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time. And welcome to 20 years in the future. Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored.
Penny: Well, my beer isn’t flat and my rack’s not saggy. So far, the future’s great.
Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.
Stuart: That’s my jam.
Bernadette: So one of us went back in time to k*ll Stuart?
Amy: But why?
Raj: Perhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue.
Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart’s comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.
Penny: Hey, I’m a famous actress living in London.
Leonard: Hmm, I’m a professor at Stanford.
Penny: Hmm.
Bernadette: So I guess you two are making it work long distance.
Raj: Oh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna.
Amy: What does your card say, Bernadette?
Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, hang on. Do you think we’d really drift apart if we both became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me.
Leonard: But if I get a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up.
Penny: Yeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn’t need the money.
Leonard: Well, you don’t go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured Restless Eye Syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps.
Penny: So, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go?
Amy: Dun, dun, dun. He started it.
Raj: Okay, okay, guys, new back stories. Uh, Penny and Leonard, you two lovebirds are super successful and living in New York. Uh, you’re an actress, you’re a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?
Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.
Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.
Howard: Good luck.
Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?
Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here.
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.
Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?
Mrs Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.
Sheldon: Who was he?
Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.
Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?
Mrs Cooper: A few months.
Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.
Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.
Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
Sheldon: Or what?
Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.
Mrs: Go to your room!
Sheldon: I’m a grown man.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Can we please get back to the game?
Leonard: In a minute. I don’t understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science.
Penny: Okay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I’m not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are.
Amy: I’m surprised you guys never talked about this stuff.
Leonard: Like you and Sheldon have everything figured out?
Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.
Penny: In 20 years, who knows what’ll happen with any of us?
Stuart: I think you and Leonard will be together.
Penny: You do?
Stuart: Yeah. I think you’re the best couple I know.
Leonard: Aw.
Penny: That’s so sweet.
Bernadette: What the hell?
Amy: Excuse me?
Penny: Ah-da-da-da-da, let the d*ad man talk. So, why do you think that?
Stuart: Uh, well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of his shell. And it seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don’t know. Together, you two kind of make one awesome person.
Penny: Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for m*rder you.
Raj: Oh, come on.
Bernadette: Penny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses.
Scene: Sheldon’s old bedroom.
Howard: Hey, can I come in?
Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.
Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.
Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.
Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.
Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.
Howard: I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.
Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.
Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.
Sheldon: What did you do?
Howard: Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.
Howard: All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.
Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.
Howard: And the healing begins.
Scene: Mrs Cooper’s living room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?
Sheldon: I am.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.
Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?
Mrs Cooper: You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.
Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?
Mrs Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is.
Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you.
Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.
Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.
Mrs Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?
Sheldon: Well, someone has to.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon: No, don’t look to Him. He’s mad at you right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh, come on, don’t pout. I’m sorry I ruined your game.
Raj: I’m not pouting, I’m brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.
Amy: It actually was kind of fun.
Raj: You’re just saying that.
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: I liked the time travel element.
Raj: Thank you. I thought it was inspired.
Leonard: It was. By Terminator.
Bernadette: Well, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends.
Penny: Definitely.
Leonard: Of course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we’re friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let’s all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do.
Bernadette: Aw.
Penny: I love it.
Leonard: Putting it in my phone right now.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Stuart: My phone doesn’t have a calendar. So I’ll just write it on my hand.
Raj: And it’s done.
Penny: Yup, we’re all in.
Leonard: All right, I’ll see you guys in 20 years.
Scene: In front of the building, 20 years later.
Stuart: I knew it. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x18 - The Mommy Observation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.
Leonard: If only there were a solution to that.
Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish t*nk in my pelvis.
Leonard: So go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: I can’t.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?
Leonard: Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?
Sheldon: I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.
Leonard: Why did I pee before I decided to move in here?
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey. Oh, how’d the audition go?
Penny: I k*lled it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot.
Leonard: Oh, that’s great.
Penny: I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.
Sheldon: Here come the waterworks.
Leonard: Aren’t you gonna ask?
Penny: What is this, my first day?
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: Can I get your opinion on something that happened at work today?
Penny: Yeah, sure.
Amy: Of course.
Bernadette: Okay, well, I did something that will either make me look like a lovable goof or a horrible monster damned to spend eternity in hell.
Amy: I’m sure it’s lovable.
Penny: I’m gonna go with monster. What do you got?
Bernadette: Well, there’s this lady in our office who’s retiring, and they were passing around one of those big cards for us to sign.
Amy: Okay.
Bernadette: But no one told me she was in a horrible car accident over the weekend and what I was signing was not a retirement card but was actually a get well card.
Penny: I’m liking my odds here.
Bernadette: So on the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who’s clinging to life are the words, “Hey, Vivian. You deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yoghurt out of the fridge.”
Penny: No.
Bernadette: “LOL.” Smiley face.
Amy: Oh, my gosh.
Bernadette: “P.S. Good luck wherever you wind up.”
Penny: Oh. Why didn’t I put money on this? (Phone rings) Hey, that’s my agent. If I got the part, it’s still the second best thing I’ve heard all day. Hello?
Bernadette: Am I a terrible person?
Amy: No. No, it was a mistake.
Bernadette: Am I a terrible person that it crossed my mind that she might die and never see the card?
Amy: Now I think you’re flirting with the line. Good news?
Penny: No, I didn’t get it.
Bernadette: I’m so sorry.
Amy: You’ll get offered something soon.
Penny: I kind of did. The part in that awful horror movie I passed on came back around. Apparently, it’s mine if I want it.
Bernadette: Are you gonna take it?
Penny: I don’t know what to do.
Amy: Maybe you’ll get h*t by a car and die. LOL, right?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Hey. Emily, right?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I, I don’t know if you remember me.
Emily: From the dating Web site. Your friend e-mailed me because you were afraid to, then you tracked me down and acted like a lunatic?
Raj: Yes, Rajesh Koothrappali. Look, uh, I just, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Okay? You were, like, the coolest person I ever found online, and I got really nervous and I, I just blew it.
Emily: Uh, don’t worry about it. And if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the weirdest guy I’ve met off the Internet.
Raj: Well, give me a chance, you don’t even know me.
Emily: All right, here’s your chance.
Raj: Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.
Amy: Can you get the butter, please?
Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.
Amy: Then get the other one. Pass the butter.
Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.
Amy: Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention.
Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.
Amy: No way.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.
Amy: Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat.
Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.
Amy: Included?
Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.
Amy: Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts?
Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.
Amy: Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they?
Sheldon: Xbox.
Amy: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.
Amy: This is a nightmare. How will you ever make a decision?
Sheldon You see? I don’t know. What should I do?
Amy: Please pass the butter!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, it’s not me, right? This script is terrible.
Leonard: Yeah. I had higher hopes for a movie called Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey k*ll. You know, it’s still possible for you to be good in a bad movie.
Penny: Okay. (Reading) Sometimes I feel like I can control the k*ller gorilla instinct inside of me, but then I see these bananas and I just want to eat them and then k*ll people. What am I gonna do?
Leonard: Well, for starters, I wouldn’t eat the bananas.
Penny: No, come on. This is serious.
Leonard: Uh, uh, does it at least pay well?
Penny: Less than I was making at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: What does your agent think?
Penny: She’s thinking of taking a job at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You know what, why don’t you just do it? You’ll go have fun for a few weeks, make some money, and who knows what it might lead to?
Penny: Okay, look, here, page 58. I oil-wrestle an orang-utan in a bikini.
Leonard: Just to clarify, which one of you is wearing the bikini?
Penny: Both of us.
Leonard: So it’s a family film.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: Good night.
Amy: Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something?
Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Well, they do.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: And then after coffee, we went for a walk and she told me she always thought people from India were exotic and mysterious. So, with my mouth, I said, we’re just like anybody else, but with my eyes, I said, straight up, Red, hop on my flying carpet.
Leonard: So, are you gonna see her again?
Raj: Yeah, we have plans this weekend. And if it’s a clear night, I’m gonna lay some romantic astronomy on her.
Penny: Okay, like what? Show me.
Raj: I can’t do that to Leonard. This is some powerful panty-dropping stuff.
Leonard: You have my blessing. Go for it.
Raj: Okay. Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way.
Penny: Oh, that’s sad.
Raj: It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: Okay, that’s enough.
Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: PS4.
Sheldon: Wolowitz?
Howard: Both great.
Sheldon: Bernadette?
Bernadette: I like the Wii.
Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma.
Raj: Oh, my goodness.
Leonard: What’s up?
Raj: I just got an e-mail from my ex-girlfriend Lucy. She misses me and wants to get together.
Leonard: Two women at the same time? Nice job, playa.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Was it the two women thing or the playa? It was the playa.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to choose between Emily and Lucy?
Howard: Why do you have to choose? Date both of them.
Raj: I can’t date two women at once. Zero women, that’s my sweet spot.
Penny: Unless you’re sleeping with one of them, seeing other people isn’t a big deal.
Raj: But what if one of them asks me what I was up to the night before and I was with the other one? Then, what, do I lie?
Howard and Bernadette (together): Yes.
Bernadette: What do you mean, yes?
Howard: What do you mean, yes?
Bernadette: Were you seeing other women when we started dating?
Howard: No. Were you seeing other men?
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren’t you gonna ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?
Scene: A coffee shop.
Leonard: Thank you so much for letting us pick your brain.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, happy to help. So, what’s going on?
Penny: Well, I’m having an impossible time getting my career off the ground, and I got offered a role in this crappy horror movie, and I just don’t know if I should take it.
Wil: Well, I have certainly taken some jobs that I’ve been embarrassed by.
Penny: I wouldn’t exactly call Star Trek embarrassing.
Wil: I wasn’t.
Penny: Me, either.
Leonard: So, what do you think, is there a professional downside to doing it?
Wil: Well, it’s tricky. You want to take projects that you’re excited about, but sometimes you also have to pay the bills. When you’re on the set working on something that you just know in your heart is bad, not Star Trek.
Penny: Yeah, beam me up. I love it.
Wil: Anyway, those jobs can be soul-crushing.
Penny: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Wil: So, I was in Stand By Me when I was a kid, and it was a huge success. The terrible movies I did came after that. I mean, imagine how that feels.
Leonard: Sounds rough.
Wil: I’m telling you, this business is brutal. To this day, I hate going on auditions. Okay, I walk in, and I can just feel them thinking, he was such a cute kid, what happened to him? And then I don’t get the job, and I can never find out why. Honestly, I get so depressed, there are entire weeks that I can’t even get out of bed.
Leonard: Okay, this was helpful.
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: Any news on your co-worker who’s in the hospital?
Bernadette: Poor thing, she was in surgery for 18 hours. She’s alive, but she’s still in critical condition.
Raj: Oh, no.
Bernadette: The one bit of good news is they put her in a medically induced coma before she read the card. So, you know, silver linings.
Howard: Were you like this when I married you?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Don’t worry about it, buddy. Okay, bye. That was Wil, he’s feeling a lot better. Apparently, he’s 12-down in the TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Raj: Did he help you make a decision about the movie?
Penny: No. Did you figure out what you’re gonna do about the two girls?
Raj: As a matter of fact, I did. I’ve spent so many years living in fear, saying no to new experiences, but from now on, I’m gonna say yes, yes to love, yes to adventure, yes to life. Whatever it may be, the answer’s going to be yes.
Howard: He’s gonna die alone, right?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Yes.
Scene: An electrical store.
Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.
Amy: Well, that’s got to be a good feeling.
Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.
Amy: Oh, crap.
Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.
Amy: You were just a little kid.
Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.
Amy: How old were you then?
Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.
Amy: What’s a Zune?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.
Amy: No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.
Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?
Amy: You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?
Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.
Amy: Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre.
Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?
Amy: How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.
Sheldon: Interesting.
Amy: So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.
Amy: What is it?
Sheldon: A quarter.
Amy: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.
Scene: A restaurant.
Raj: You look, you look really pretty tonight.
Emily: Thanks. I love that jacket.
Raj: Thank you. Thanks, thanks. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. My, my ex-girlfriend e-mailed me, and I’m seeing her Saturday, And I’m glad you like it, it’s from J. Crew.
Emily: I don’t understand.
Raj: My friends told me it was okay to see more than one person at a time, but it, it feels like I’m being deceitful.
Emily: Are you getting back together with her?
Raj: No. I, I have no idea. What would you do?
Emily: Uh, usually on first dates, I talk about music and stuff, but I was promised weird, so let’s do this. How serious were you two?
Raj: Well, to be honest, we only went on four dates, hugged twice, kissed once, and there was a handshake loaded with sexual innuendo.
Emily: Wait, so, a girl you never slept with sent you an e-mail and you felt so guilty about it that you had to tell me?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: That’s kind of adorable.
Raj: Are you, are you sure? Because this is the part of the night where I’ve said something stupid and the girl usually leaves.
Emily: I’m still here.
Raj: Yeah, but now you make me wonder what’s wrong with you.
Emily: We just met. You don’t need to tell me about other people you’re seeing.
Raj: Really? Because I’m dating two women is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.
Scene: The electrical store.
Sheldon: On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?
Amy: I can’t feel my legs.
Store assistant: Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.
Sheldon: But I haven’t decided yet.
Store assistant: You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.
Amy: Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: What-what do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?
Sheldon: I don’t know. Hey, look, a quarter.
Scene: A film set. Penny is being fitted with gorilla hands.
Costume guy: How’s that feel?
Penny: Great. Not like regret at all.
Wil: Penny? We’re working together. Awesome. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x19 - The Indecision Amalgamation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I got to tell you, the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery, the more excited I get.
Raj: I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard: Only without the sex.
Raj: Yeah, literally, none of it.
Leonard: What do you think about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Meh.
Raj: Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?
Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?
Leonard: Oh, my God, you’re jealous.
Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.
Barry: Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything.
Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.
Barry: Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.
Sheldon: Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?
Howard: Maybe. But how great is Game of Thrones?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, you’re up early.
Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.
Penny: I told you those Walking d*ad pillowcases were a bad idea.
Sheldon: No, that’s not it.
Penny: Is something bothering you?
Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.
Penny: Oh, come on, try me.
Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.
Penny: Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon: You mean your acting career?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?
Penny: No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.
Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.
Penny: I’m talking about other guys.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?
Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.
Sheldon: I don’t know if I can do that.
Penny: I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.
Leonard: Penny, have you seen my good inhaler?
Sheldon: Break it off, shake hands, walk away.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey, how’s dating two women going?
Raj: Um, kind of h*t a bump. When I was honest and told Emily she wasn’t the only person I was seeing, it went great. So I tried the same thing with Lucy.
Howard: And?
Raj: She had mixed feelings. But when I said, Emily was cool with it. Emily’s the best. Why can’t you
be more like Emily? Those feelings became less mixed.
Leonard: Women. Who knows what’ll set ‘em off?
Raj: At least now I can focus all my energies on just one girl.
Howard: I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible.
Raj: Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.
Howard: She is. But I like that attitude.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?
Raj: You’re really going to do this?
Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.
Howard: You’re reading Cosmo?
Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on f*re, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.
Howard: What’s this?
Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship?
Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.
Raj: It’s going to be okay.
Sheldon: I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.
Howard: So, you and Emily still together?
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: I spoke to Bernadette. She’s free tomorrow night.
Raj: Oh, okay, great. But if we’re really gonna do a double date, then we have to go over some ground rules about Emily.
Howard: Like when it turns out she’s made of rubber, I don’t say anything?
Raj: She’s very real.
Howard: Oh, that’s what it says on the box. Right next to dishwasher safe.
Raj: See? This is exactly the kind of thing I’m worried about you saying in front of her.
Howard: I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour.
Raj: You better be. No jokes about how close I am with my dog. Or the truth about how close I am with my dog.
Howard: You got it.
Raj: No jokes about the year I took ballet.
Howard: You took ballet?
Raj: God, you never listen.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon: The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard: What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll?
Penny (treating Sheldon as a ventriloquist doll): Oh my God, I do look like that.
Sheldon: You stop it.
Penny: So, how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon: Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back.
Penny: Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.
Penny: Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?
Leonard: That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?
Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.
Penny: Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.
Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.
Penny: Okay, what do you think?
Sheldon: Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla?
Leonard: It actually looks good, Sheldon.
Penny: Doesn’t it?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.
Amy: Sorry I’m late. What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?
Amy: Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: I’m excited to meet Emily.
Howard: Me, too. I just hope he doesn’t blow it.
Bernadette: Why would you say that?
Howard: Because he’s Raj, that’s his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it. Look, I don’t want it to happen, but odds are he’s gonna find a way to… Oh, crap, I know that girl.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: In a bad way, very bad.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you. Hey.
Raj: Emily, these are my good friends, Howard and Bernadette. Guys, this is Emily.
Emily: Nice to meet you.
Bernadette: Hi.
Emily: Have we met before?
Howard: Uh, no. I, I don’t, I don’t think so.
Emily: You sure? You look familiar.
Howard: Well, you sure don’t. You I know, you I know, you? Total stranger. Even if you had yummy candy, I would not get in your van.
Emily: Did you go to that spin class on Green Street?
Howard: That must be it.
Raj: Since when do you go to spin class?
Howard: Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?
Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?
Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.
Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?
Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?
Penny: Like you could get a brown bear.
Leonard: Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.
Amy: Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.
Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon: Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.
Penny: Who’s the duchess?
Leonard: One of the people that lives in his head.
Amy: I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me.
Leonard: Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.
Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just h*t me over the head one day.
Amy: How does that happen?
Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and h*t me over the head with the biggest book he could find.
Penny: Okay, how about we toast your newfound freedom?
Sheldon: Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?
Penny: And you wonder why other children b*at you with books. Cheers!
Scene: The restaurant.
Bernadette: Emily, what do you do?
Emily: I’m a dermatology resident at Huntington Hospital.
Raj: Mmm, and you know what that means. Someone’s skin’s about to be softer than ever.
Emily: This is making me crazy. I know I know you from somewhere.
Raj: Oh, uh, Howard was an astronaut. Maybe that’s where you saw him.
Emily: Wow. That’s amazing. What was that like?
Howard: It was the most incredible experience of my life. Up there in the space station, you’re…
Emily: Oh, my God, I remember.
Howard: Can I finish my astronaut story?
Emily: It was four years ago.
Howard: Please don’t say it.
Emily: We were set up on a blind date.
Howard: Please don’t say it.
Emily: You came to my apartment.
Howard: You’re saying it.
Raj: Wh, what happened?
Bernadette: Yeah, what happened?
Howard: Okay, I’ll say it. I was on the way to pick her up. My stomach felt a little funny. When I got there, I asked if I could use her bathroom.
Bernadette: Please don’t say it.
Howard: One roll of toilet paper and 20 minutes later, I was so humiliated, I snuck out the window and never saw her again.
Emily: You know what else I never saw again, my security deposit.
Howard: I’m sorry. I tried to unclog it, but you didn’t have a plunger, and water was spilling out everywhere.
Emily: Right, just water.
Howard: Look, I have felt terrible about this for years, and I’m glad I have the opportunity to tell you just how sorry I am.
Emily: It’s fine. All my friends love this story. They call you Clogzilla.
Raj: Get it? Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster!
Howard: Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Well, hey, it’s not like cotton candy comes out of you.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’ve had a lot to drink.
Sheldon: No more than Penny.
Amy: That’s what I’m saying.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.
Scene: The restaurant.
Bernadette: So, Emily, why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
Emily: I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
Bernadette: You’re kidding, right?
Raj: She’s scary, but it’s a cute scary.
Howard: Can I say just one more thing? I had some kind of food poisoning that day. Sure, in retrospect, gas station sushi, maybe not the best choice. Nor was climbing out your window and running away. But I think we can all understand how humiliating that was, and I’d really appreciate it if we could move on.
Bernadette: Howie, we moved on a long time ago.
Howard: I’m just saying…
Bernadette: We moved on.
Howard: Okay. Fine.
Bernadette: How’s your soup?
Howard: Ah, it’s all right. They could’ve filled the bowl a little more. Excuse me.
Bernadette: Where are you going?
Howard: I need some fresh air.
Emily: Been there.
Scene: Sheldon, waking up in bed next to a Geology book.
Sheldon: Oh, no. What have I done?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: How you feeling?
Sheldon: Not so good.
Leonard: Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?
Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Answerphone: First new message.
Sheldon (voice): Hawkman. It’s your old buddy Sheldonoscopy. How come you didn’t pick up the phone? Oh, right. My bad.
Scene: The cafeteria..
Howard: You’re awful quiet. Everything okay?
Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.
Howard: Ugh. Me, too. What happened?
Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.
Howard: I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.
Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?
Howard: Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.
Sheldon: Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.
Barry: Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic.
Howard: Get out of here, Barry.
Barry: Whatever you say, Cwogziwwa.
Sheldon: Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): It’s me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes, and we can totally solve crimes together.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Do you know what’s great? Geology. Oh. Look at this geode. That’s fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Hey, guess who I am. Beep bop boop bop. I’m you. Get it?
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Are you mad at me? Oh, no, you’re mad at me. I’m so sorry. Beep bop boop bop.
Answerphone: Next message.
Sheldon (voice): Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That’s even more fun than gee-ode. Hey, did you see The Lego Movie?
Stephen Hawking: What a jackass. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x20 - The Relationship Diremption"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, we’re about to sh**t this scene in the movie where the k*ller ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.
Penny: Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.
Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.
Leonard: Sure. What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?
Leonard: Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.
Sheldon: That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas…
Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?
Sheldon: It is just so frustrating.
Penny: ‘Cause you’re trying too hard. You need to do something else, get your mind off it.
Leonard: Hey. How about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays?
Penny: Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that?
Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.
Penny: Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say?
Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Leonard: Great, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Penny: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Leonard: I’m starting to remember the problem with Anything Can Happen Thursdays.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hmm, what can we do that’s fun?
Leonard: What can we do that’s different?
Penny: What can we do that’s free?
Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.
Penny: Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder.
Sheldon: You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.
Penny: Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.
Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.
Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right.
Leonard: Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?
Penny: No. Bernadette’s working late.
Sheldon: Amy’s sick.
Leonard: Aw. What’s wrong with her?
Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard: That’s not what I meant.
Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?
Leonard: What ails her?
Sheldon: Oh. Who knows?
Penny: Come on, anything can happen. We can push him down the stairs.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Howard: Hey. Thanks for coming to hang out.
Raj: No problem. How’s your mom feeling?
Howard: Okay, but she’d feel better if she took her medicine.
Raj: You know, when Cinnamon won’t take her medicine, I hide it in a piece of cheese.
Howard: Good idea. We can wrap the pill in cheese, feed it to Cinnamon, and then my mom can eat Cinnamon. So what do you feel like doing?
Raj: I was thinking we could watch a DVD.
Howard: Well, my mom doesn’t have a lot to choose from. Unless you want to watch the video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert, 20 minutes in they find a prune pit.
Raj: Actually, how do you feel about watching House of 1000 Corpses?
Howard: A straight-up gore-fest? You hate this stuff.
Raj: I do, but for some reason, Emily loves it and wants to watch it with me tomorrow, so I thought if I start with you first, then I could act cool about it with her.
Howard: That’s actually not a bad plan. I can sit through the colonoscopy now, but that first time I was like, oh my God, a prune pit.
Raj: Uh, so, you’ll watch it?
Howard: Sure.
Raj: You’re a good friend. I owe you one.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Help me get out of the tub.
Raj: Not that one.
Scene: The street.
Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.
Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.
Penny: What the hell? What? She’s not working late.
Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon: That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Raj: Hey. Listen to this. m*rder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the thousand plus horrors that await.
Howard: I just helped my mom out of the tub, so, I’m one slippery horror ahead of you.
Raj: You’re a good son. I don’t know how you do it.
Howard: Beach blankets, my friend, it’s all about beach blankets.
Raj: All right, let’s get this over with. Ew, it’s got someone’s hair on it.
Howard: Oh, yeah, you’re gonna do great with this movie.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: You’re not working late. Why did you lie to me?
Sheldon: And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.
Amy: I’m sorry, I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette: We kind of just wanted one night where we didn’t have to hear about how miserable you are making this movie.
Amy: But none of that means we don’t love you.
Penny: I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I?
Leonard: I also love you.
Penny: Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Where are we going?
Penny: We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.
Sheldon: Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…
Penny: Shut up.
Scene: A restaurant. Sheldon makes an “unsure” noise.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.
Penny: It’s fusion.
Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.
Penny: Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.
Penny: Hey, I don’t understand why you’re not upset with Amy.
Sheldon: I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Raj: Okay. So, in the last 20 minutes, we’ve seen a crazy woman kissing a fetus in a jar. We’ve seen a guy cut in half and sewn to a fish.
Howard: And the brutal dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother.
Raj: On the bright side, she didn’t even notice the pill. Why does Emily like this stuff? Do you think there’s something psychologically wrong with her?
Howard: What difference does it make?
Raj: What do you mean?
Howard: Oh, come on, she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriend’s body parts and you’d still go out with her.
Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend’s out of the picture.
Scene: The bar.
Amy: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I gonna make it up to him?
Bernadette: I’d tell you what I do with Howard, but I don’t think dressing up like a Catholic schoolgirl is gonna work with Sheldon.
Leonard: He’d probably give you homework.
Amy: Did you lie to Howard about tonight?
Bernadette: Of course.
Amy: And you don’t feel guilty about it?
Bernadette: Between Penny’s gorilla movie and Howard’s gorilla mother, I had no choice.
Leonard: Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don’t lie to her.
Bernadette: Oh, we know you don’t lie to her.
Scene: The restaurant.
Penny: Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.
Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.
Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.
Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.
Penny: Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.
Sheldon: No, it’s not.
Penny: How is that not good?
Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon: Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you.
Penny: Oh, try again.
Scene: Howard’s mother’s house.
Howard: Let me get this straight. So, he kills this girl’s father, cuts off the guy’s face, and is wearing it as a mask while he makes out with her.
Raj: I’m just gonna say it. That’s not okay. Why can’t I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music. (Phone rings) Hey, Penny. What’s up? No, Bernie’s working late. Really? Thanks for telling me.
Raj: What?
Howard: I’m having sex with a Catholic schoolgirl tonight.
Scene: The street. Outside a psychic’s shop.
Penny: Oh, I think I see our next stop.
Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.
Penny: No, come on, tonight we are trying new things.
Sheldon: Oh. That’s a lot of incense. Or someone set a hippie on f*re.
Scene: Outside the bar.
Bernadette (on phone): Yeah, honey, I’m still stuck at work. Really? Penny said that? Okay, it’s true. I’m sorry. I’ll see you at home. Yeah, yeah, I’ll put it on.
Leonard: You and I never just hang out like this. Why is that?
Amy: I know, it’s weird, right?
Leonard: Yeah. We should do it more often.
Amy: Oh, no. I mean, this is weird right now.
Leonard: (Phone text sound) Ah, it’s Penny.
Amy: Is she still mad?
Leonard: Oh, doesn’t seem like it. She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her.
Amy: A psychic? He considers them not just mumbo jumbo, but extra-jumbo mumbo jumbo.
Leonard: Well, Penny can be very persuasive. She’s gotten me to do a lot of things I wouldn’t normally do.
Amy: Because she has sex with you.
Leonard: Yeah, she does.
Amy: Can I confess something? Once in a while, I get a little jealous of how close Penny and Sheldon are.
Leonard: Really?
Amy: I mean, not in a romantic way. It’s just, she really has some sort of connection with him.
Leonard: Well, well they’ve known each other a long time, and Penny grew up around horses, so she knows how to approach him without making him skittish.
Amy: Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re friends. I just wish he’d be that comfortable around me already.
Leonard: Well, it took him a long time to get comfortable around me, too.
Amy: Really? What did you do?
Leonard: Something terrible in a former life? I don’t know.
Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.
Scene: The psychic shop.
Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, just ask your question.
Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.
Psychic: All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.
Sheldon: That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Psychic: Yes, you clearly are. But I’m seeing a specific woman that you’re in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh, here we go.
Psychic: Does she have dark hair?
Penny: Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on f*re.
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.
Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.
Psychic: They’re telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Psychic: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.
Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I’ve never heard him use the M word before.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Here we go, House of a 1,000 Corpses.
Emily: Now, just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared, I can totally change your diaper.
Raj: Actually, I have to tell you something. These kind of movies really aren’t my thing, so, last night, I watched it just to see what I was getting myself into.
Emily: Okay.
Raj: And I have to be honest, I thought it was disturbing and weird, and it made me wonder what it says about someone who enjoys it.
Emily: I wonder that, too.
Raj: Then, why do you watch these things?
Emily: Can I tell you something without you judging me?
Raj: Sure.
Emily: They kind of turn me on.
Raj: And play.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.
Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x21 - The Anything Can Happen Recurrence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans.
Penny: What? That’s a real thing? What is it, Star Wars Christmas?
Howard: No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Wookiee Life Day.
Penny: So, when is it?
Leonard: Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.
Sheldon: Get it?
Raj: May the fourth be with you?
Leonard: May the force be with you. Get it?
Penny: Oh, no. This face wasn’t because I didn’t get it.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Come in.
Leonard: Hey, you got a second?
Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news.
Sheldon: What is it?
Leonard: I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away.
Sheldon: Professor Proton is d*ad?
Leonard: Sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Comforting you?
Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.
Leonard: Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday.
Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.
Leonard: Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Leonard: Okay. Yet he cried when they changed the Raisin Bran box.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Professor Proton (on youtube): This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can’t digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn’t that a hoot? We’ll be right back after I f*re my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up.
Amy: Watching your old friend?
Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.
Amy: Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: All those people bl*wing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.
Amy: Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye?
Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?
Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Raj: Hey, Penny. Happy Star Wars Day.
Penny: Okay.
Raj: Can I make you breakfast? Admiral Ackbar’s Snack Bar is open for business.
Penny: No, thanks. Leonard and I are just going to the funeral.
Howard: You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia?
Raj: And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO.
Penny: Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?
Raj: Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.
Howard: You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Penny: Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?
Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?
Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star. Why do I know this?
Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.
Leonard: He was 84, he’d say where’s my pudding?
Raj: Before you go, at least let me pack you some att*ck of the Scones for the road.
Penny: Oh, like att*ck of the Clones. We are leaving right now.
Scene: Amy”s apartment.
Amy: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he’s ready to admit. Really hoping this will cheer him up.
Bernadette: Me, too. Although, it might’ve been thoughtless of us to bake a Death Star cake.
Amy: No, it combines two of Sheldon’s favorite things, chocolate chips and the ability to destroy a planet at the push of a button.
Bernadette: Well, anyway, it’ll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn’t think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.
Amy: Okay, let’s get the fondant and start decorating.
Bernadette: This is pretty cool. You don’t see too many spherical cakes.
Amy: I wonder why that is.
Scene: The funeral.
Penny: I have a confession to make.
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: I’ve never been to a funeral before.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: I just never knew anyone that died. I had a pet pig when I was a kid. I mean, when he died, we didn’t have a funeral, we had a barbecue.
Leonard: Yeah, we won’t be eating Arthur tonight.
Penny: I didn’t know him very well, but I still really liked him. It’s weird that he’s just gone.
Leonard: I know.
Penny: I feel like I want to cry.
Leonard: Oh that’s, that’s fine. Go ahead.
Penny: I can’t do it with you staring at me.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: No, I’m dry. You’re a big crybaby, you start, I’ll join in.
Leonard: I am not a crybaby.
Penny: Toy Story 3?
Leonard: The toys were holding hands in a furnace. Look, Arthur lived a full life. And he inspired a lot of people. Sure, he, he was my childhood hero, but the fact that I got to work with him, side by side, before he died was, it was, it was a gift.
Penny: It was a gift. Thank you for being the emotional one in this relationship.
Leonard: I got your back.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Raj: Ugh, let’s get this over with.
Howard: Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.
Sheldon: Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.
Raj: You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.
Howard: Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.
Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?
Raj: It was just a suggestion.
Sheldon: Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.
Raj: Wow.
Howard: I think he’s taking this Professor Proton thing pretty hard.
Raj: Should we try to console him?
Howard: Or should we respect his privacy in this moment of grief?
Raj: By staying here and watching the movie.
Howard: That’s what good friends would do.
Scene: Later.
Howard: Well, at least without Sheldon here, we got to start with Episode IV.
Raj: Mm, true. I do feel guilty about him.
Howard: Me, too.
Raj: Maybe we should see how he’s doing.
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: But after the cantina scene.
Howard: Obviously.
Scene: Sheldon, dreaming he is in the living room of the apartment on his laptop.
Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.
Arthur: You never heard it that time.
Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were d*ad.
Arthur: I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Arthur: I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.
Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.
Arthur: I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?
Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re d*ad, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Arthur: Well, that, that clears that up.
Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.
Arthur: Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.
Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.
Arthur: Oh, wait. What, what, what is, what is this?
Sheldon: Be careful with that.
Arthur: Oh. Oh. Oh, neato. I’m, uh, I’m going to need a Band-Aid.
Scene: The funeral.
Leonard: So, what did you think of your first funeral?
Penny: Well, I don’t want to be a jerk, but it was kind of a bummer.
Leonard: Yeah, well, when I die, you can rent a bounce house.
Penny: You think about dying?
Leonard: Mm. Well, I think more about if I’d have any regrets.
Penny: What would you regret?
Leonard: Mm, you know, that I didn’t travel more, take more risks, learn another language.
Penny: You know Klingon.
Leonard: That’s true.
Penny: No, I meant that as a regret.
Leonard: I just thought of one more.
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
Penny: Well, it just wasn’t the right time.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And this is also not the right time. Do not propose.
Leonard: What?
Penny: I know that face. That’s your propose face.
Leonard: I was not gonna propose. It’s already two to one.
Penny: What’s two to one?
Leonard: I proposed twice, you proposed once. Two to one.
Penny: Oh, my. It’s not a contest.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re upset about. I’m the one who’s losing.
Penny: Okay. Fine. Would you feel better if I propose so you could turn me down again?
Leonard: Yeah, I think I would.
Penny: Okay. Leonard, will you marry me?
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: No, don’t you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
Leonard: It’s just such a big decision. I don’t want to have any regrets.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: Did you ever watch Professor Proton when you were a kid?
Bernadette: No. My dad controlled the TV, so unless someone was a Texas Ranger, Jake or the Fatman, we didn’t see it.
Amy: I never watched him, either, but he seems to be the reason that Sheldon got interested in science.
Bernadette: Not me. I got into science ’cause I was always the smallest kid in school, so I thought if I became a scientist, I could invent a formula that made me taller.
Amy: That’s cute.
Bernadette: Yeah, I thought it was working for a while, but then I found out my brother was just lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you?
Amy: Oh, I guess it must have been back when I was in the Girl Sprouts.
Bernadette: Girl Sprouts?
Amy: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn’t want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore.
Bernadette: How did that get you into science?
Amy: Oh, I went to the library and took out a book on biology to see what whores did.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: On the one hand, if I say yes…
Penny: This isn’t funny anymore. Just say no so we’re done with this. Will you marry me or not?
Leonard: Ooh, interesting. Did you just propose to me again?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Really? Because I just heard will you marry me? That’s two proposals, one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend the rest of her life telling people how to spell the name Hofstadter.
Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Hey. Penny, don’t get upset. Here. I love you, but, no, I will not marry you.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Now, about that second proposal. On the one hand…
Scene: Sheldon’s dream.
Arthur: Where, where, where are we?
Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.
Arthur: Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida.
Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?
Arthur: Um, always, get, get a prenup.
Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.
Arthur: Well, why, why do you think I’m here?
Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
Arthur: Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?
Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.
Arthur: Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too.
Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.
Arthur: I’m, I’m sorry about that.
Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.
Arthur: Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.
Sheldon: But I do appreciate them.
Arthur: Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)
Leonard: Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right?
Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?
Leonard: It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?
Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.
Leonard: Sheldon, that, that’ll take us all night.
Sheldon: That’s true. Oh, it’s a good thing I had a nap.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Boy, some of the physical comedy with Jar Jar is a little tough to watch.
Leonard: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj: Hey, we can say it. You can’t.
Amy: Hey, guys.
Bernadette: Happy Star Wars Day.
Sheldon: Wow. A Death Star cake.
Amy: Yeah. We were hoping it might cheer you up.
Bernadette: And even though it meant we had to miss the movies, we could still be part of the fun.
Howard: Well, you didn’t miss anything. We just started over.
Bernadette: Son of a bitch.
Scene: The same, everyone is falling asleep.
Sheldon: You’re back.
Arthur: Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.
Sheldon: That’s nice.
Arthur: May, maybe for you.
Sheldon: Why do I need you now?
Arthur: Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.
Sheldon: So?
Arthur: I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Arthur: Okay, good luck to you. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x22 - The Proton Transmogrification"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great.
Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.
Raj: Please hurry.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill.
Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise.
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise.
Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
Raj: All right. Now what?
Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room.
Raj: Do you know how to set it up?
Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would k*ll me.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: So she’s gonna be laid up for at least six weeks.
Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.
Amy: Should we do something for her?
Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, how were things on the set?
Penny: Uh, pretty good, actually.
Raj: So the movie’s not as bad as you thought?
Penny: Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all.
Amy: Good for you.
Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a k*ller gorilla anyone’s ever seen.
Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to b*at.
Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.
Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Okay, she’s all settled in the guest room.
Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a forklift?
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now.
Bernadette: Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that?
Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?
Bernadette: I would do it for my mother.
Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz.
Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?
Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel.
Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle.
Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.
Scene: A cinema.
Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.
Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj: Is that a real thing?
Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out.
Raj: Emily, Hey.
Emily: Oh, hey, Raj.
Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?
Emily: Um, you know what? I better go. My movie’s about to start.
Raj: Are you here alone?
Emily: No, not really.
Raj: What do you mean, not really?
Man: Hey, should we get our seats?
Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.
Raj: Yeah, okay.
Sheldon: That was awkward, right?
Raj: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead.
Scene: The movie set.
Director: And action.
Wil Wheaton: Please don’t shut me out.
Penny: Go away. Just go away.
Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a k*ller gorilla?
Wil: I was trying to save your life.
Penny: Life? What life? Look at me, I’m a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don’t know.
Wil: You can’t give up. I love you.
Penny: I love you, too. But I’m afraid I love k*lling more. Like, one day, I might actually try and k*ll you.
Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene.
Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares.
Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look, if we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of?
Director: Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ’cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn’t be in it.
Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her.
Director: And who are you?
Leonard: I’m her boyfriend.
Director: Isn’t she too hot for you?
Leonard: A little, yeah.
Director: Well, boyfriend, get off my set.
Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me.
Director: You know what? You can get off my set, too. You’re fired.
Penny: What? You can’t f*re me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.
Director: Yeah, but we just sh*t the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.
Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna f*re her, then you have to f*re me, too.
Scene: A bar.
Wil: Wow, that fell apart really fast.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.
Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.
Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?
Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?
Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?
Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.
Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either.
Sheldon: Slick, huh?
Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.
Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Well, stick to your g*n. There will be a lot of pressure.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m hungry again.
Howard: It’s like the world’s fattest cuckoo clock.
Bernadette: You know, you’re always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it’s gonna be like.
Howard: No, it’s not.
Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We’re even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.
Howard: Maybe you’re right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.
Bernadette: I’m just telling you now, if we do have kids, don’t expect me to do all the work.
Howard: Hey, I’m a very paternal person. I’d be excellent at taking care of a baby.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m still hungry.
Howard: I’m coming, you big baby.
Scene: The bar.
Penny: You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.
Wil: Forget it, man, it’s crap. You just move on to the next thing.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
Wil: Hey. I just lost a job for you.
Penny: All right, I’m sorry, you’re famous.
Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous. It’s about the art. It’s about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer.
Penny: God, what am I doing with my life?
Leonard: You having second thoughts about acting?
Penny: You were on set, you saw what it was like.
Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not always that bad.
Penny: Oh, really?
Leonard: What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater?
Penny: It was over a bowling alley.
Leonard: Yeah, but there was ample parking.
Penny: Are you done?
Leonard: And you were so good in the TV commercial.
Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream.
Leonard: And I got itchy and swollen just watching you.
Penny: Leonard, you are really not cheering me up.
Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this?
Penny: Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?
Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.
Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.
Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.
Raj: What do you mean?
Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?
Raj: Eleven.
Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?
Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?
Sheldon: Sure.
Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.
Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?
Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.
Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Bernadette: Howie, I’m back!
Howard: Shh, I just got her to sleep.
Bernadette: Sorry.
Howard: What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
Bernadette: They only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
Howard: Then why do I smell coffee on your breath?
Bernadette: So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
Howard: A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
Bernadette: Queen? I’ve been k*lling myself here.
Howard: Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I’m nice, I want to take care of people.
Bernadette: I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard.
Howard: Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Hey.
Emily: Thanks for letting me come over.
Raj: Of course. Please, come in.
Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we’re okay.
Raj: Uh, look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other.
Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he’s been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.
Raj: It’s okay.
Emily: Really?
Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that’s my issue, not yours.
Emily: Wow. If I saw you out with another woman, I’d be pretty upset.
Raj: Thank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen.
Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else.
Raj: Well, me, neither.
Emily: Okay.
Raj: Okay. Please. So, uh, you, you have tattoos?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
Emily: That’s cool.
Raj: It’s a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos?
Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder.
Raj: It’s, uh, been a long time since I’ve seen a girl’s really not her shoulder.
Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos?
Raj: But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, my God. What a day.
Leonard: Can I get you anything?
Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard: With your career?
Penny: With my life.
Leonard: Like what?
Penny: I don’t know. We could get married.
Leonard: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard: Why? Because I’m a, a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin.
Penny: What? No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is, I’m choosing you.
Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I, I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard: No, no. No, it’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
Penny: You know what? Forget it. I never should’ve brought it up.
Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don’t need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop-Tart.
Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in.
Penny: Really? You guess you’re in?
Leonard: Not like, I guess I’m in. Like I guess, I’m in!
Penny: Okay. Leonard: Cool.
Leonard: So is that it? Are, are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard: All right.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard: I’ve had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me?
Penny: Oh, my God, yes.
Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn’t have monkey hair on your finger.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: How you feeling?
Bernadette: Last night was a little rough, but I think we’re gonna get through this.
Howard: I’m proud of us.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where’s my pancakes?!
Foreign Nurse: Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Bernadette: You were right.
Howard: Welcome to Team Putz. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x23 - The Gorilla Dissolution"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: How’s your mom holding up?
Howard: She’s doing okay, but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many is that now?
Howard: Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.
Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?
Howard: A bowl full of M&M’s with a few Ambien tossed in.
Raj: What up, guys?
All: Hello, hey!
Leonard: Okay. Well, now that everyone’s here, Penny and I have some big news. We’re engaged.
General cheering and congratulations.
Raj: And I thought me having sex with Emily was gonna be the big news.
General cheering and congratulations.
Leonard: Hey, hey, what the hell?
Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You’re right! Yay!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Boy, I’m so hungry today. I wonder why?
Howard: Because you had sex the other night?
Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That’s a rude thing to say, out loud.
Sheldon: It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.
Howard: You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.
Leonard: Whatever you do, just don’t make any rash decisions.
Sheldon: I don’t know. I am really aggravated.
Raj: When I’m feeling low, I have sex with a girl. But that’s just me.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Howard: Oh, come on, give her a chance.
Nurse: No. Life, it is too short.
Bernadette: I know you’ve only been here a day and a half, but you’re like part of the family. I don’t think the service is gonna send any more people.
Howard: Yeah, maybe it’s time we just release Ma back into the sea.
Bernadette: That’s not helpful.
Howard: Well, then, we may need to get used to the idea that we’re gonna be living here the next few months.
Bernadette: But we have jobs. We can’t baby-sit her 24 hours a day.
Howard: Well, what if we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.
Howard: I don’t know what else we can do.
Bernadette: Howie, I love you, and as your wife, your mother is every bit as much my problem as she is yours, so, I want a divorce.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Hofstadter (on webcam): Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Hi, Mom. I have some exciting news.
Mrs Hofstadter: I’m listening.
Leonard: Before I tell you, will you promise to try and be happy for me and keep any concerns you have to yourself?
Mrs Hofstadter: No. Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
Mrs Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
Leonard: You know what? It’s probably fine.
Mrs Hofstadter: In any event, while I’ve had my misgivings about Penny, Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she’s good enough for me.
Leonard: I’m your son. What about the fact that she’s good enough for me?
Mrs Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Mrs Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (on phone): No, Mom, it’s the same guy I’ve been going out with for the past two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it’s complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right, tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. All right, bye.
Amy: Atomic magnets?
Penny: Shut up.
Bernadette: Sorry I’m late. The leaf blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.
Penny: You want some wine?
Bernadette: Thanks. Little warning before you jump into this marriage business. You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family.
Penny: I think Leonard’s mom’s okay with me.
Bernadette: It doesn’t matter if she’s okay with you. The question is, can she go to the bathroom by herself? h*t me again.
Amy: So, what are the living arrangements gonna be?
Penny: Well, haven’t really talked about it yet, but I figure at some point, I’ll move in with him, or he’ll move in with me.
Amy: Well, with you not working, that makes financial sense.
Bernadette: You’re not working. How would you like a job in home health care?
Penny: Not a chance.
Bernadette: Please. I’m desperate.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: I’ll pay you anything you want.
Penny: Okay, then, yeah.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Penny: No, keep your money.
Bernadette: I could’ve ridden a bull longer than that.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What you working on?
Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.
Leonard: Oh. How’s it going?
Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.
Leonard: It’s nice that you called them esteemed.
Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.
Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.
Sheldon: Mm.
Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard: I’m not.
Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it h*t an iceberg, countless men would perish.
Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?
Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.
Sheldon: Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard: No, I did not.
Sheldon: Did you get h*t on the head with a coconut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?
Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.
Leonard: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Wow.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?
Amy: They just don’t appreciate you.
Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.
Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.
Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.
Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.
Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.
Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.
Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?
Amy: See? Maybe you’ll love living alone.
Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.
Amy: And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together.
Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?
Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.
Amy: It tastes the same.
Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don’t like it.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: This is so sweet. You never cook for me.
Leonard: Well, you cook for me all the time and, ugh.
Penny: If you don’t like my cooking, why haven’t you ever said anything?
Leonard: It’s hard to talk with so much heavy chewing to do.
Penny: Sorry. I’ll get better.
Leonard: I know you’ll try. So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I’d like to pick one that works with my brother’s schedule.
Leonard: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now, depending on good behaviour.
Amy: Hi, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: No, I thought he was with you.
Amy: He was, but he stormed off and now he isn’t answering his phone.
Leonard: What happened?
Amy: He was really angry that you suggested he move out.
Leonard: Oh.
Amy: I also mentioned that he and I could live together but he was too mad at you to realize what a great idea that is.
Leonard: Well, he’s been having a couple of tough days. I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just needs a little alone time to decompress.
Amy: You’re probably right. So, what are you guys doing?
Penny: Well, Leonard cooked for me and now we’re just having a nice dinner, you know, as a newly engaged couple.
Amy: That’s nice.
Leonard: Anyway, as I was saying, Sheldon probably just needs a little alone time. ‘Cause that’s important. Not just for him, but for most anybody, really.
Amy: Don’t I know it. What is that, polenta?
Penny: Amy, get out.
Amy: Right.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: No.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What happened?
Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on f*re.
Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?
Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.
Sheldon: So when will you reopen?
Stuart: Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.
Sheldon: So, tomorrow?
Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.
Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.
Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.
Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.
Stuart: That’ll be $2.99.
Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.
Stuart: Fine, a dollar.
Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?
Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.
Sheldon: You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.
Stuart: (Light falls on ground just where he was standing a moment before) That could have k*lled me. I can’t catch a break.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I haven’t heard from Sheldon in a while. You think he’s okay?
Penny: Oh, I’m sure he’s fine.
Leonard: I’m gonna see where he is.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Oh, I know his password, so I can track his phone.
Penny: You do that?
Leonard: Not always, but ever since he wandered off at the swap meet chasing a balloon, I get worried.
Penny: He can take care of himself. Look, we went over stranger danger and gave him that whistle.
Leonard: That’s weird.
Penny: What?
Leonard: He’s at the train station.
Penny: So? He loves trains.
Leonard: It’s dark out and he’s alone, I don’t like it. Let’s go get him.
Penny: It’s sweet how you look out for him. You’re a good guy.
Leonard: It’s not just that. My mother would k*ll me if I let something happen to him.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Dude, I’m so sorry.
Howard: Don’t take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
Stuart: No. God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.
Raj: We’re here for you, man. Whatever you need, okay?
Stuart: Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a few nights.
Raj: Sure, of course. Oh, actually, Emily was gonna spend the night.
Stuart: You slept with her? Nice.
Raj: Well, I can’t take all the credit. She let me do it to her, but, uh, but I can always call her and cancel.
Howard: Hang on. I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great.
Howard: I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So what’s the catch?
Scene: The train station.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: You tracked my phone?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.
Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.
Leonard: Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.
Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.
Penny: And go where?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.
Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?
Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.
Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.
Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.
Leonard: Then what can I do?
Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you know you’re overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard: You know he can’t take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He’s a grown man.
Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can’t protect him forever.
Leonard: I know, but…
Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
Sheldon: I will.
Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.
Sheldon: Of course you are.
Leonard: He just made that easier.
Penny: Mm.
Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.
Stuart: Hey. What are you guys still doing here? I got this, go. Go home.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Yeah, she’s fed, she took her pills, she’s all tucked in and watching TV.
Bernadette: So, she’s not too much for you?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I love her, she’s great.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
Stuart: Coming, Debbie.
Howard: You call her Debbie?
Stuart: She insisted. So, hey, guys, thank you so much. This job is a dream come true.
Howard: Was that a little weird?
Bernadette: Yeah. I don’t know why, but something about it feels unnatural.
Howard: Okay, let’s go.
Bernadette: Yep.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on phone): Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? Oh, okay, bye.
Leonard: He’s okay?
Amy: Actually sounds like he’s doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is gonna be for the best.
Leonard: Me, too. And he was able to take a sabbatical from…
Amy: How could you let him go? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "07x24 - The Status Quo Combustion"} | foreverdreaming |
Previously on The Big Bang Theory...
We were worried about you.
Don't be melodramatic.
I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
So a few things don't go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?
Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing, and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Sheldon...
Yes?
I'm gonna miss you.
Of course you are.
You just made that easier.
A railway station
(Sheldon is wearing no trousers.)
Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you're knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you're understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store b*rned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?
Man: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I understand that I'm half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I'll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won't anybody help me?
Credits
The apartment
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Hi. Want to do yoga with me?
Leonard: Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I'll have the strength to tell you how much I won't be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.
Sheldon: Uh, I'm in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.
Leonard: I'd love to. I'm just about to do yoga with Penny.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.
Leonard: Oh, my God, are you okay?
Sheldon: No, I'm not okay. Uh, I'm wearing borrowed pants, I don't have I.D., and one of the officers here won't stop calling me chicken legs.
Leonard: Okay. Uh, I'll, I'll come get you. What's the address?
Penny: Hey, what's going on?
Leonard: He got all of his stuff stolen.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Hurry.
Leonard: Sheldon, hang tight. Hey, do you want me to bring anything?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because "I know you are, but what am I?" was met with stony silence.
Leonard: I'll be there as soon as I can.
Penny: Is he okay?
Leonard: Yeah, he's fine, he's just a little rattled.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Feel like driving to Arizona with me?
Penny: I can't, I have that job interview.
Leonard: Oh, right.
Penny: Besides, I don't need six hours of your hair is different, why did you change your hair? I'm holding my breath until your hair grows back.
Leonard: All right, fine. Hey, can you think of a reason I shouldn't invite Amy to come with me?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Come on, you didn't even try.
Howard's car
Raj: Thanks for the lift.
Howard: What's wrong with your car?
Raj: I'm having my windows untinted.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Got a hot girlfriend now. I want the haters to know.
Howard: What are you talking about? No one's paying attention to you.
Raj: Wow. How's that Hater-Ade taste, bro? Hey, this isn't the way to work.
Howard: I just want to pop in and make sure Ma's okay.
Raj: I thought Stuart was looking after her.
Howard: He was, but now that her cast is off, he moved out. And honestly, I'm kind of glad. It was getting a little weird.
Raj: How so?
Howard: I don't know, they're, chummy.
Raj: Like us?
Howard: No, not like us. Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.
Raj: She feeds him out of her own mouth?
Howard: I mean, he calls her Debbie, she calls him Stewie and they're all giggly around each other. And believe me, when food goes in that mouth, it does not come out.
Raj: So are you worried because he's replacing you as a son or are you worried because he's becoming her lover?
Howard: First of all, no one can replace me as a son. I'm her little matzo ball. And secondly, my mother is well past having any kind of sex life.
Raj: Okay, okay. Although many older women lead vibrant, active…
Howard: I said well past it.
Kingman Police Station
Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?
Hernandez: Not yet.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?
Hernandez: Nope.
Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. There's lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there's no books called Officer Hernandez.
Leonard's car
Leonard: Thanks again for coming. Six hours was gonna be a long drive by myself.
Amy: My pleasure. And I'm not angry at all that my boyfriend was in trouble and called you instead of me. I love that,
Leonard: Yeah, time's gonna fly by.
Howard and Bernadette's apartment
Penny: I haven't been on a job interview in years. I'm really nervous.
Bernadette: Don't be. You are built for pharmaceutical sales. You're cute, you're flirty and started that like there were gonna be three things.
Penny: I don't have any experience in sales. Unless you count the bikini car wash I did in high school. But you already made me take that off my résumé.
Bernadette: This job is a lot like being a waitress, except instead of pushing the fish tacos 'cause they're about to go bad, you're just pushing our antidepressants before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.
Penny: They do?
Bernadette: Maybe. But like our lawyers say, the world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed. Anyway, I talked you up to Dan. He's the guy who'll be interviewing you.
Penny: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I'm not in over my head.
Bernadette: You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
Penny: I wish I felt more confident.
Bernadette: Penny, I wouldn't have put you up for this job if I didn't think you could handle it.
Penny: Oh, thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
Bernadette: It's too late to cancel. You're going.
Penny: But I don't know anything about pharmaceuticals.
Bernadette: Oh, I understand. You want to do something you're already good at. I know. Why don't I get you a job at the Sitting Around All Day Wearing Yoga Pants Factory?
Penny: They're comfortable.
Mrs Wolowitz's house
Howard: Ma, I hope you're decent. Raj is here. You just started seeing naked women again, and I don't want you to be confused about where the boobs should be.
Stuart: Oh, hey, guys. What are you doing here?
Howard: Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you moved out.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I was going to, and then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night. I didn't have any place to go, she likes having me around, so we both said, why leave? at the same time. It was precious.
Howard: It's not that precious.
Raj: I'd like to back you up, but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
Mrs Wolowitz (O.C.): Stewie, I can't find my glasses.
Stuart: Be right there, Deb Deb. They're probably on her head.
Howard: Or in her neck. Listen. You staying here seems like something she would've talked to me about.
Stuart: Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you'd know.
Raj: It wouldn't k*ll you to pick up the phone.
Kingman Police Station
Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?
Hernandez: We're doing everything we can.
Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy: What do you mean, why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides why did you come?
Sheldon: I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon(whispers): g*n.
Leonard's car
Leonard: So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where'd you go?
Sheldon: Where didn't I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.
Leonard: How were they?
Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.
Leonard: Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?
Sheldon: Why would I? That's where all the cool trains are.
Leonard: I'm sorry, so you never went outside?
Sheldon: Or had a single piece of fruit.
Pharmaceutical Company Office
Dan: So, why do you think you'd make a good pharmaceutical sales rep?
Penny: Well, I'm a people person. People like me. Some of my favourite people are people. I feel like I'm saying people a lot. People, people, people. Okay, I'm done.
Dan: You sure?
Penny: People. Yes.
Dan: Good. So, how do you feel your previous job experience has prepared you for a career like this?
Penny: Uh, well, as a waitress, sales was a big part of my job. I mean, believe me, I convinced a lot of very large customers, who should not be eating cheesecake, to have more cheesecake. I mean, one of those chubsters even had an insulin pump.
Dan: Uh-huh. I have an insulin pump.
Penny: People.
Howard's car
Howard: It's weird, right? A grown man in his thirties living with my mother.
Raj: That is weird. I thought he was, like, 45.
Howard: Come on, you don't think it's a little odd?
Raj: I don't know. I mean, she's lonely. He needs a place to stay. I doubt there's any funny business going on. And even if there was, who cares? They're both adults.
Howard: Who cares? You wouldn't care if I slept with your mom?
Raj: You know what? You're my best friend, and she's in a bad marriage. I give you my blessing.
Howard: This is stupid. I'm just gonna call my mother and be honest with her.
Raj: 'Cause that's what little matzo balls do.
Stuart (voice on answerphone): This is Debbie.
Mrs Wolowitz (voice on answerphone): And this is Stuart.
Together: Just kidding.
Stuart (voice on answerphone): Leave a message.
Raj: This is the part where you talk.
Pharmaceutical Company Office
Dan: All right, let's say a physician was prescribing one of our competitor's drugs. How would you convince them to switch to ours?
Penny: Um, any chance his car needs to be washed by a girl in a bikini? No. Okay, I'm really sorry for wasting your time.
Dan: Don't worry about it. Thanks for stopping by.
Penny: Okay, thanks. Um, I'm sorry, listen, could you do me a favour and not tell Bernadette how badly I blew this interview? She'll get upset. And honestly I'm a, a little terrified of her.
Dan: Wait, wait. You're scared of Bernadette?
Penny: Yeah, kind of.
Dan: I thought it was just me. Everyone thinks she's so nice with that squeaky little voice.
Penny: I know, but she's kind of a bully.
Dan: Wll, she is. I didn't even want to meet you, but, uh, I was too scared to say no to her.
Penny: Me, too.
Dan: Yeah, yeah. One, one time, I had, I had to tell her we were cutting the, the research funding for one of the drugs she was developing.
Penny: What happened?
Dan: I couldn't do it. She's still working on it. Oh, we're not gonna tell her about this, right?
Penny: Oh, my God, no.
Leonard's car
Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?
Leonard: I don't care.
Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt's. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?
Amy: Have you not noticed that I've been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?
Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.
Amy: I'm mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?
Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?
Amy: We're in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that'll work. Please? This'll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can't hear. The reason I called you is because I didn't want Amy to know I couldn't make it on my own.
Leonard: What's the big deal?
Sheldon: Oh, of course it's no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.
Leonard: Well, yeah, it's true. You, you are a god to me.
Amy: Can I stop now?
Leonard: Just tell her.
Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn't want you to think less of me.
Amy: You were worried about that?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Sheldon, it's okay with me that you're not perfect.
Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Amy just hurt my feelings. I want to break up with her.
Howard and Bernadette's apartment
Howard: Now, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of excited to see Sheldon.
Bernadette: I never thought I'd say this, but Penny got a job today.
Howard: She did?
Bernadette: Well, the only reason she got it is 'cause the guy who interviewed her loves me.
Howard (answering a knock on the door): What do you want?
Stuart: I, uh, kind of got the feeling you might not be okay with me staying at your mom's.
Howard: You're right, I'm not. I think it's weird.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: It is. He's a grown man. He's just gonna live there rent-free? How is that gonna motivate him to get off his butt and get a job? I mean, do you even have a plan?
Stuart: Hey, you're not my father, okay? And besides, your mother and I were talking…
Howard: Your mother and I? You're not my father.
Stuart: I didn't say I was your father.
Howard: Well, I didn't say I was your father.
Bernadette: Okay, calm down. You're not his father, he's not your father. Nobody's anybody's father.
Stuart: I, I'm sorry you don't like my life choices, but it's my life.
Howard: Well, it's my house, it's my rules.
Stuart: Oh, oh, okay, Dad, if I mow the lawn, can I have my allowance?
Bernadette: Hey, don't you take that sarcastic tone with him.
Stuart: I don't have to listen to you.
Howard: Don't talk to her like that. That is my mother. Wife. My wife. I said my wife.
Stuart: You know what? This isn't getting us anywhere. When you're ready to apologize, you know where to find me.
Howard: Yeah, in my house.
Stuart: That's right, sucka.
The stairwell
Sheldon: I wish I'd never gone on that trip. I feel no better now than when I left.
Amy: But you still accomplished something.
Leonard: Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?
Sheldon: That I couldn't do it?
Leonard: Exactly. Right after they said yeah.
Amy: But you did do it. So what if it didn't all go your way? That's what makes it an adventure.
Sheldon: That's a good point. You know, I'm a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, 'cause I wasn't in direct sunlight for six weeks.
Amy: See? This trip was good for you.
Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world's smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation's railway system, I've burst forth as the world's smartest butterfly.
Leonard: Butterfly could've gotten himself home from Arizona.
Sheldon: Yeah, I feel renewed. I'm ready to deal with any changes that come my way.
All: Hey.
Penny: Hey, look who's back.
Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can't take this. I'm out.
The apartment
Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?
Penny: I thought your phone got stolen.
Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.
Leonard: And you thought they all had a silver lining.
Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn't because there were cr*cker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.
Penny: I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.
Sheldon: I know. You know, I almost died in a f*re in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that's when the Imodium gave out. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x01 - The Locomotion Interruption"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: I recently read that during World w*r Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be att*cked.
Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…
Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.
Howard: So, Penny, when's the new job start?
Penny: Next Monday.
Bernadette: Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?
Penny: Uh, not yet, but I will.
Bernadette: Great. When?
Penny: I said I'll get to it.
Sheldon: I'm sensing awkwardness, am I right?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Swish.
Bernadette: I don't want to be pushy, but you've never done pharmaceutical sales before. It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.
Penny: Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They'll tell me everything I need to know.
Bernadette: But imagine how impressed they'd be if you showed up already familiar with the material.
Penny: Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher's pet?
Bernadette: Couldn't hurt.
Leonard: Mm, I don't know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher's pet?
Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x02 ♪
The Junior Professor Solution
[ Mrs Davis' office ]
Sheldon: (knocking) Mrs. Davis. (knocking) Guess who?
Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That's right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?
Mrs Davis: Yes. Uh, welcome back.
Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you'd like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?
Mrs Davis: You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.
Sheldon: That's the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?
Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.
Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?
Mrs Davis: Currently, you're being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you'll be able to choose whatever field of research you'd like.
Sheldon: But if I'm a professor, then I'll have to teach a class.
Mrs Davis: That is correct.
Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?
Mrs Davis: Yes.
Sheldon: You people are sick.
[ Amy's lab ]
(knocks)
Penny: Hey. Ready to go to lunch?
Amy: Just give me a minute. I'm stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.
Penny: What happens if you don't?
Amy: Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am. Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?
Penny: Uh, no. Actually, I didn't invite her.
Amy: How come?
Penny: Well, ever since she helped me get this job, she won't stop bugging me.
Amy: Well, I think she just wants you to do well, and she's worried that you won't 'cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.
Penny: That is not true.
Amy: I'm still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.
Penny: I told you, they'll be right out.
Amy: Okay, so no Bernadette.
Penny: Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?
Amy: No, I just, I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this. Usually when someone's being talked about behind their back, it's me and it's right in front of my face.
Penny: I'm sorry. I just need a little break from her.
Amy: I understand. You know, there is some research that indicates that sharing negative attitudes about a third party can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.
Penny: So, what are you saying?
Amy: I'm saying, in the spirit of science, what is that little skank's problem?
[ The cafeteria ]
Raj: So, I've been trying to come up with a cute couple's nickname for me and Emily. What do you like better? Emippali or Koothrapemily?
Howard: Why is it your last name and her first name?
Raj: Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn't seem right about Koothrapeeney.
Leonard: Hey, how'd it go with human resources?
Sheldon: Awful. They're allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.
Raj: I don't understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?
Sheldon: What a stupid question.
Leonard: The kids are gonna love him.
Sheldon: I can't believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what's in their diapers.
Leonard: This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they're wrong.
Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn't mean I always do.
Raj: You enjoy giving people grades.
Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.
Howard: And you love the sound of your own voice.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It's like an earful of melted caramel.
Leonard: Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.
Sheldon: It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That's rich. I'll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.
[ Amy's lab ]
Amy: Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells. You like that, don't you? That's right, say my name.
(Skype ringtone playing)
Bernadette (on skype): Hey.
Amy: Hey, what's going on?
Bernadette: Not much. You want to get a drink later? Just the two of us?
Amy: No Penny?
Bernadette: Not tonight. I'm a little frustrated with her.
Amy: Because you got her the job and you think she should be working harder to prepare for it?
Bernadette: So it's not just me. You see it, too.
Amy: I do, I see it.
Bernadette: It's driving me crazy. Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram that instead of studying, she went out to lunch and got a manicure.
Amy: That's outrageous.
Bernadette: I know.
Amy: If she doesn't do well, this could reflect poorly on you.
Bernadette: Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?
Amy: I don't know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.
[ Sheldon's classroom ]
Leonard: Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?
Sheldon: There is no class.
Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal's office already?
Sheldon: No one signed up.
Leonard: Well, that's not your fault.
Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.
Leonard: What?
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: No, it's fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.
Raj: Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they're wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I'd throw the cookies away.
Howard: Hey, what if I took your class?
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Leonard: Yeah, why would you do that?
Raj: What's wrong with you?
Howard: I'm thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don't think you'd understand a single thing I was talking about.
Raj: Ask why not again, I've got an answer.
Howard: Sheldon, I'm more than smart enough to take your class.
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Yes.
Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?
Howard: I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.
Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?
Howard: I'd use Feynman's trick, differentiate under the integral sign.
Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?
Howard: Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I'll say that. Now do you think I'm smart enough?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Oh, come on. You might've gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.
Sheldon: You take that back.
Howard (mimicking Sheldon): No.
[ The stairwell ]
Amy: So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I'm talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.
Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?
Amy: Because it's taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I'm in the centre now, and I love that even more.
Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.
Amy: But I'm just…
Sheldon: Not now.
Amy: You better watch that attitude, buddy. You're dating the popular girl now.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Hmm. You're up late.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don't really understand it.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?
Sheldon: I'm a teacher, Leonard. It's my job.
Leonard: No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you're smarter than Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Oh, it's no trouble, it's actually a pleasure.
Leonard: You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can't deal with it.
Sheldon: Interesting point. You're suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that thr*at my intellectual superiority.
Leonard: Might be something to think about.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Howard's allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?
[ Sheldon's classroom ]
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone's here, we can begin.
Howard: Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you're gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I'm out. But if you're interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I'm willing to give this a sh*t.
Sheldon: I suppose that's a fair request. There's no reason we both can't benefit from this experience.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?
Howard: I am.
Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?
Howard: It's an inverted cycloid.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?
Howard: That's where I'm a little fuzzy.
Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I'm grading on a curve, so you're pretty much guaranteed a C.
Howard (singing): ♪ All I do is win, win, win no matter what. ♪
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard (singing): ♪ Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there! ♪
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard: If you're gonna be a crappy teacher, then I'm gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) ♪ Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. 'cause I never been defeated and I won't stop now... ♪
Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let's see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?
Howard: Making a straw.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: So I can sh**t you with a spitball.
Sheldon: You're not going to do that, and I'll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you're going to treat me with the prop… You sh*t your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don't think I can do that again.
[ Amy's lab ]
Amy (on phone): Hey, girlfriend. Can I get a what what?
Penny: What?
Amy: Close enough. Um, I was just calling to see what you were up tonight. Thought maybe we could h*t up Color Me Mine, maybe sneak in some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.
Penny: Uh, thanks, but I think I'm gonna stay in and go over the stuff Bernadette gave me.
Amy: Oh. Oh, I hear you. Try and get that nag off your back, right? I mean, you're not a bicycle, why's she riding you like that?
Penny: No, I think she was just trying to help. Plus, I really want to do well at this job. So…
Amy: Okay, good luck. And call me later, you know, if you decide she's a bitch or something. Hey, girlfriend.
Bernadette: Hey, Amy.
Amy: Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine. Maybe we sneak in some Pinot, make it Color Me Wine.
Bernadette: That sounds fun, but I promised Penny I'd come by and help her study.
Amy: Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that. She's probably off getting another manicure. You remember when she did that? You remember?
Bernadette: I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we're good.
Amy: Oh. Great. I'm happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren't getting along, it puts me in a really weird position.
Bernadette: Well, don't worry, everything's back to normal.
Amy: You mean, like, where she's nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.
Sheldon: Can't talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Well?
Leonard: Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD.
Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn't feel as innocent as it used to.
Howard: You reported me to human resources?
Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.
Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you're happy.
Sheldon: I told you you weren't smart enough to take it.
Howard: I'm smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I'm not familiar with doesn't prove anything. I could do the same to you.
Sheldon: Yeah, try me.
Howard: Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?
Sheldon: Young's modulus.
Raj: Is that right?
Howard: Yeah. Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?
Sheldon: Laminate the core material.
Leonard: Come on, give him a hard one.
Howard: That was a hard one. All right. How does the flow rate in a pipe depend on its diameter? You don't know, do you? What's the matter, smart guy? Don't know Poiseuille's law?
Sheldon (coughing): Thank goodness I got it. Now I can quit checking my stool.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Bernadette: Okay, what are the potential side effects for our erectile dysfunction drug?
Penny: Headaches, dizziness and nausea.
Bernadette: Yes.
Penny: Those are also the side effects of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.
Bernadette: Want to stop here?
Penny: Uh, no. I can keep going.
Bernadette: Nah, you got this. Let's go for a drink. I'll call Amy.
Penny: Okay, good. She seemed like she really wanted to go out tonight.
Amy (phone ringing, running down stairs from outside Penny's door): Hey, girl.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Okay, next question, for the Butterfinger. How long is a galactic yea
Raj: 250 million years.
Leonard: Yes.
(all cheering)
Howard: Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.
Sheldon: Oh! It's not even Easter time. This is crazy.
Howard: Which Archimedean solid has 20 regular triangular faces, 30 square faces, 12 pentagonal faces, 60 vertices and 120 edges?
All (together): The Rhombicosidodecahedron.
(all cheering)
Leonard: We are so smart.
Raj: Why didn't girls like us in high school?
Howard: Because we were awkward and weird and couldn't play sports!
Leonard: Right again.
(all cheering) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x02 - The Junior Professor Solution"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Howard: So, how does this game work? I just throw it, like a real ball?
Leonard: Yeah, just nice and easy, right over the plate.
Howard: All right.
Raj: You suck, Wolowitz.
Howard: What's that about?
Raj: I'm heckling you. It's a beloved part of baseball.
Sheldon: He's right. And given that you're probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I'm sure you do suck.
Penny: Hi. What's going on?
Leonard: Baseball.
Penny: Okay, this is not what I meant when I said go outside and play.
Leonard: He's practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me.
Penny: That's so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.
Sheldon: Well, not just him. May I remind you that you're talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.
Penny: I know. Watching your boyfriend run around with a broomstick between his legs isn't something you forget.
Leonard: C'mon now, throw one.
Howard: All right, here we go.
Raj: You look like a jackass.
Howard: Cut it out. You're hurting my feelings.
Leonard: Now you know why we're not outside.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x03 ♪
The First Pitch Insufficiency
[ The stairwell ]
Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon: Well, if you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.
Amy: It's hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
Penny: Hey, how was dinner?
Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.
Leonard: Oh, that poor waiter.
Amy: Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
Penny: You guys are going out two nights in a row?
Sheldon: I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I'm contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.
Penny: That's so hot.
Amy: It's better than hot, it's binding.
Sheldon: If you're free tomorrow night, I'd love to have you join us on a double date.
Penny: Aw.
Amy: You are aware that a double date doesn't count as two dates.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, then come or don't. I don't care.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: I can't believe you're sore.
Howard: Hey, even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette: But they throw an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.
Bernadette: I'm kind of surprised you agreed to do this in front of a stadium full of people.
Howard: They're doing Space Day and NASA asked me. I felt like I couldn't say no.
Bernadette: Okay. Well, if you want, I could help you practice. I played a lot of softball growing up.
Howard: Thank you, that would be great.
Bernadette: Great. And while we're at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound.
Howard: What's wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette: Oh, just kidding. Nothing.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: Sheldon, I'm surprised you'd choose to go to a pub.
Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.
Amy: I then suggested a pub.
Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.
Leonard: You don't even like Yorkshire pudding.
Sheldon: No, it's yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.
Amy: After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.
Leonard: Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.
Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They're just jealous because they'll never have a relationship as good as ours.
Penny: Isn't this when he says bazooka or something?
Sheldon: I wasn't making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.
Leonard: You don't honestly think that, do you?
Sheldon: Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.
Leonard: There isn't any ranking. And if there were, we wouldn't be at the bottom of it.
Penny: Yeah, and actually, I drink Sauvignon Blanc.
Leonard: That's the part you have a problem with?
Penny: Relax.
Amy: There they go, fighting again. You'd never hear her talk that way to Sauvignon Blanc.
[ A gymnasium ]
Raj: So you never played baseball as a kid, not even Little League?
Howard: Well, I was going to, but the day of tryouts I found my dad's Playboy collection. Threw my arm out.
Bernadette: All right, the pitcher's mound in Major League Baseball is sixty feet, six inches away from home plate.
Howard: Great. You take this and say when to stop. How much further?
Bernadette: Keep going.
Howard: How about now?
Bernadette: I'll let you know.
Howard: Are you saying stop and we're just too far away to hear you?
Bernadette: Okay, stop.
Howard: Are you kidding me?!
Bernadette: That's sixty feet.
Howard: There's no way this is sixty feet.
Bernadette: I'm looking at it.
Howard: You realize this isn't one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.
[ Amy's car ]
Leonard: Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn't?
Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
Leonard: So do we. And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
Sheldon: It's called parallel play.
Leonard: Yeah, toddlers do that.
Sheldon: Not as well as we do.
Leonard: You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.
Penny: So what? Why do you even care?
Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon's over.
Leonard: Whatever. You can't even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
Sheldon: If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I'd like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
Amy: It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now, 'cause there's about to be a f*re.
[ The gym ]
Bernadette: Okay, it's not that hard. You just look to where you want to throw it, step towards where you want to throw, and throw it.
Howard: That's your help? That's like saying here's how you fly a plane, get in the airplane, know where you want to go and fly it.
Bernadette: Just throw the ball. Let's see what we're working with.
Raj: Come on Howard, f*re it in.
Bernadette: Throw the damn ball!
[ The pub ]
Amy: So when do you guys plan on getting married?
Penny: Uh, we're not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I'm not pregnant.
Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?
Amy: Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger?
Sheldon: Absolutely not.
Leonard: Some perfect couple. He won't even share his food with her.
Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She's allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?
Leonard: I'm not jealous. I just think it's silly for you to compare relationships like they're something that can be quantified.
Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.
Leonard: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.
Leonard: Sheldon, you're just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.
Sheldon: No, I'm not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I'd order a clown wig.
Penny: Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry.
Sheldon: Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto.
Penny: Oh, what did those rascals do now?
Amy: They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the s*ab of a couple based on behaviour.
Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That's pure Cooper.
Leonard: So, this is accurate?
Sheldon: It's been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.
Penny: Well, kind of takes the romance out of relationships.
Sheldon: Kind of? It does it perfectly.
Amy: Sheldon and I got an eight-point-two out of ten.
Leonard: Fine. We'll take it right now.
Penny: No, don't.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Just don't take it.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: 'Cause it's stupid. Who cares what number it is?
Leonard: Come on. It'll be fun.
Penny: I said I don't want you to. I'm getting another drink.
Leonard: Sorry.
Amy: I'm gonna let you count this as two dates. They're a lot of work.
[ The gym ]
Bernadette: Think he's getting any better?
Raj: Yup.
Howard: That was a close one.
Bernadette: Okay.
Raj: Is it too late for him to cancel?
Bernadette: I think so.
Howard: Heads up! Watch out!
[ The pub ]
Leonard: Are you mad at me?
Penny: No, stop being stupid.
Leonard: Um, whew? Is this about the test, or is this about us?
Penny: Look, I don't need a score on a test to make me worry about something I'm already worried about.
Leonard: What are you worried about?
Penny: That we're engaged and have nothing in common, and it scares me.
Leonard: Yeah, that scares me, too.
Penny: It does?
Leonard: Sometimes.
Penny: Well, that's not good. You being blindly infatuated with me was the rock we were building this relationship on.
Leonard: Okay, well, this might make you feel better. Uh, we're both scared that our marriage will be a disaster, and so, that's something that we have in common. Also, we both think I'm not funny. Huh? See, you're not laughing.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Mike (on Skype): Hey, Froot Loops, what's up?
Howard: Hey, Mike. Listen, NASA asked me to throw out the first pitch at an Angels game. You got any advice?
Mike: Yeah. Don't do it. What else you up to?
Howard: Why shouldn't I do it?
Mike: There's no upside. If you do well, no one cares. And if you screw up, you're an idiot on YouTube forever.
Howard: But it's for a good cause. What about all the kids that'll be there?
Mike: That's what I'm telling you. Kids are the worst. My own daughter tweeted I have a giant nose.
Howard: Well, maybe I'll do a good job.
Mike: I don't know. In space, you couldn't even toss me a pen, and that was in zero gravity.
Howard: Okay, thanks for the pep talk.
Mike: Anytime, Froot Loops. Give your wife a hug for me. She's so much cuter than you, I don't know how you ever got her.
Bernadette: He's so nice.
[ The pub ]
Penny: Hey, sorry about that.
Amy: No, we're sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.
Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.
Leonard: I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we're a bad couple.
Sheldon: The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it's like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.
Leonard: I k*lled his Chewbacca slippers.
Penny: Let's just take the test.
Leonard: No, no, no, I don't want to.
Penny: Oh, well, 'cause you know we're gonna do bad.
Leonard: Because it doesn't matter. I don't care if we're a ten or a two.
Sheldon: Or a one. A one is possible.
Leonard: Marriage is scary. You're scared, I'm scared. But it doesn't make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you.
Penny: Leonard.
Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.
Sheldon: We got an eight-point-two. Trust me, you're happy.
[ Angels Stadium ]
Raj: Mmm, I love how they put a waterfall at centre field. It really ties the whole stadium together.
Penny: Look at you, talking sports.
Leonard: This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.
Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.
Amy: Sheldon, what did you expect?
Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey's Soundsational Parade.
Amy: I'll tell you what. If we stay, I'll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon: Who's the bobblehead of?
Amy: Does it matter?
Sheldon: No, as long as it bobbles.
Bernadette: Howie, I am so proud of you.
Howard: Thanks. I'm proud of me, too.
Man: You ready?
Howard: Let's do it.
Man: All right.
Howard: Wish me luck.
Bernadette: Go get 'em.
Stadium Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of Space Day at Angel Stadium, the first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: Thank you. Thank you.
Penny: Can he really throw a ball?
Leonard: On our Quidditch team, he…
Penny: Yeah, that's a no.
Howard: I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn't do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I'm not an athlete. I'm a scientist. So, today's first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here's the wind-up, and the pitch.
Bernadette: Why is it going so slow?
Howard: 'Cause I'm an idiot who didn't think this through.
Sheldon: Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer's Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
Howard: Okay, while we're waiting for the ball to arrive, here's some fun facts about Mars.
Man in Crowd: You suck, Wolowitz!
Sheldon: He makes a valid point.
(crowd booing)
Howard: Okay, booing isn't gonna make it go any faster. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x03 - The First Pitch Insufficiency"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The cafeteria ]
Leonard: Have you guys heard about this research team that's trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?
Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.
Howard: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.
Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't h*t the Mesozoic spot.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: We still on for tomorrow night?
Leonard: Yeah. I'm excited to finally meet your girlfriend.
Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.
Howard: Since when do you read social science?
Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.
Raj: Why would I lose friends just because I started dating someone?
Leonard: Yeah, you didn't lose anyone when you met Amy. Yeah, well, no, this study refers to romantic partners. Not the way I would categorize the two of us.
Raj: You guys kiss and hold hands.
Leonard: I've seen him do it. It's not romantic.
Raj: Look, I'm not the kind of guy who drops his friends just because he's in a relationship.
Leonard: What happens if she doesn't like us?
Raj: Well, hey, you're my dear friends. You'll get a Christmas card for a couple of years, and then you're d*ad to me.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x04 ♪
The Hook-Up Reverberation
Original Air Date on October 6, 2014
[ The apartment ]
Amy: So, Howard, is Stuart still living with your mom?
Howard: I don't want to talk about it.
Bernadette: But he's going to.
Howard: My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven.
Bernadette: Long story short, they have seven HBOs.
(knocking)
Raj: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Emily, you know almost everybody here.
Emily: Hi.
Raj: And this is Leonard, this is Penny.
Emily: Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Leonard: Nice to finally meet you, too.
Penny: Hi.
Emily: Hello.
Leonard: Wow, Raj, you were not lying about her.
Raj: I told you she exists.
Penny: Hey, I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily: Uh, yeah, I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don't have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.
Bernadette: You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time.
Penny: Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.
Emily: Yeah. I'm sure that'd be fine.
Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily: Um, okay, I guess.
Amy: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes, and he's taking his pants off.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Bernadette: Last night was fun. What did you think of Emily?
Penny: I don't know. I kind of got the sense she didn't like me.
Bernadette: Did she say she didn't like you?
Penny: Of course not. No one ever says they don't like you straight to your face.
Amy: We have led different lives.
Bernadette: You guys just met. Why would she feel that way?
Penny: It's just this vibe I got.
Bernadette: I'm sure you're worried about nothing.
Penny: Yeah. You're probably right. I used to think my high school P.E. teacher didn't like me, but it turned out, she liked me a little too much.
Bernadette: Really?
Penny: Yeah. It was fine. We went to a Melissa Etheridge concert, I got an A, it all worked out.
Bernadette: When you go to Emily's office to practice, you'll see. It's fine.
Penny: Yeah, I hope you're right.
Amy: You really went your entire life without anyone saying I hate you to your face?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: I'd say it now, but look at those cheekbones.
[ Capital Comics ]
(rock music playing)
Sheldon: I miss Stuart's place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store, or a rave at the third little pig's house?
Howard: Yep, I wish Stuart would reopen. I hate this place, too.
Leonard: Okay, him I believe because he's an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old's tee shirt. But you're just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.
Howard: Yes, I am. You know, I can't even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?
Raj: You know, he might not reopen. He didn't get a lot of money from the insurance company.
Sheldon: Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it's those dad-gum insurance companies.
Leonard: Why? Because they won't get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?
Howard: All I know is, he's got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn't he just use an angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.
Leonard: Hey, here's a thought. Why don't we put up the rest of the money that Stuart needs?
Raj: So, we'd be, like, owners of a comic book store?
(all chuckling)
Leonard: It's kind of a dream come true.
Howard: That does sound fun.
Raj: Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.
Sheldon: I'll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.
Leonard: It's not that bad.
[ Emily's surgery ]
Penny: Hey.
Emily: Hi.
Penny: Thank you so much for letting me practice my sales pitch on you. I really appreciate it.
Emily: Sure.
Penny: Um, I brought coffee. I wasn't sure what you like, so I got a regular, a cappuccino and a Chai tea. Since you like Raj, I thought you might be into that.
Emily: Thanks. If we could get started. I'm a little busy.
Penny: Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just get out my materials. Leonard gave me this briefcase. He used to carry it around in high school. You can still see the dent where they whacked him with it. Okay, I would like to talk to you about our new birth control pill, Femevra.
Emily: Great.
Penny: So, Femevra's triphasic design provides balanced hormonal exposure.
Emily: All right.
Penny: It has also been shown to cause significantly fewer side effects than other oral contraceptives. Although it can cause acne, which, if you ask me, kind of increases its effectiveness as a contraceptive.
Emily: Funny.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry. Did we get off on the wrong foot? Because since the other night, I kind of feel like you might have a problem with me.
Emily: No, it's fine.
Penny: Are you sure, because it doesn't seem fine?
Emily: Okay. If you really want to talk about this, I do have a problem.
Penny: Oh, my God. Tell me, what did I do?
Emily: Look, it's nothing. It's just, Raj told me that a while ago, you two hooked up.
Penny: What? Oh, why would he say that?
Emily: Did it not happen?
Penny: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a hook-up.
Emily: Did you kiss?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: Were you naked?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: So, it was a hook-up.
Penny: No. Yeah.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?
Leonard: Oh, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.
Howard: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.
Raj: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?
Sheldon: Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools?
Howard: Toy stores, puppet shows.
Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: And are you gonna use candy to lure them in?
Raj: We are now.
Penny: You told Emily we hooked up?
Raj: Um, well, in my defence, I tell everybody.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Raj: We were having a conversation about past lovers.
Penny: We weren't lovers. Come on. Everyone knows we didn't sleep together. We got drunk and fooled around. Why couldn't you just leave me out of it?
Raj: Well, we were being honest. You would leave me out of the conversation with the next guy if you dumped Leonard?
Leonard: Why say it?
Penny: Yes.
Raj: Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we're playing fast and loose with the word list.
Penny: Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.
Raj: Great.
Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you're going to lose next.
Raj: You, okay? It's you. You're, you're next.
Sheldon: No. You're crazy about me.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: I don't know what Emily's so upset about anyway. Even if I had slept with him, so what? Everyone has a past.
Amy: Hmm-hmm.
Penny: Almost everyone has a past.
Bernadette: Come on, look how pretty you are. I'm sure this isn't the first girl to hate you.
Penny: It's not.
Bernadette: And I'm sure you can turn it around.
Penny: How? You can't force someone to like you.
Amy: What if you just hang around and act like her friend until you wear her down? I mean, next thing you know, you're in her home, you're eating her food, drinking her wine.
Penny: No, that won't work.
Amy: You're right. Cheers.
Bernadette: Oh, I know. Why don't you use your sales training to go back down there and sell yourself?
Penny: What?
Bernadette: Yeah. But instead of selling a drug, you'd be selling Penny. it's cute.
Penny: It's stupid.
Bernadette: Well, maybe people would like you more if you didn't crap all over their ideas.
Amy: I'm gonna go with Penny on this one. Then again, why wouldn't I? I mean, we go way back.
Penny: Oh, my God. I didn't used to like you.
Amy: Shh. Amy's here now.
[ Capital Comics ]
Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.
Howard: We'll get to see all the new stuff before it hits the shelves.
Sheldon: And we'll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn't a library, buy it or get out.
Howard: You say things like that all the time.
Sheldon: Yes, but as a store owner, I'll finally have a good comeback to, You don't work here, shut up.
Leonard: Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list?
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?
Sheldon: I'm sure she did.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Because if she hadn't, she'd still be wading through the list.
Leonard: Will you stay out of this?
Sheldon: If only Penny had said that once in a while.
Howard: Hey, what difference does it make? You're the one she wants to marry.
Leonard: That's true.
Howard: Yeah, and I'm not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.
Sheldon: Yeah, he's right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.
Leonard: Why are you even part of this conversation? You don't know anything about women.
Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I'd ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.
Howard: He's right.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.
[ The stairwell ]
Leonard: There's something I wanted to run past you.
Penny: What's up?
Leonard: Mm, the guys and I were thinking about investing in Stuart's comic book store. Is that okay?
Penny: Why are you asking me?
Leonard: Well, you know, we're engaged, and it's kind of a big deal financially. It seems like something we should talk about.
Penny: Oh. Well, would you consider mounds of credit card debt kind of a big deal financially?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Huh.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Howard: Mm. So, me and the guys were talking about this great investment opportunity.
Bernadette: Nope.
Howard: But you didn't hear what it was.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Oh, come on.
Bernadette: Fine. What is it?
Howard: It's to help reopen the comic book store.
Bernadette: Nope.
Howard: Well, hear me out.
Bernadette: Howard, you know we're saving up for a house.
Howard: I know, but all the guys are doing it. We're splitting it four ways, so it's really not that much money.
Bernadette: It just seems like a risky investment.
Howard: I get that. I, okay, look, the real reason this is important is, before my dad left me and my mom, he used to take me to the comic book store. It was one of the few things we did together.
Bernadette: Oh. Howie, I had no idea.
Howard: Well, I don't like to talk about it.
Bernadette: Oh, baby. That story's made up, isn't it?
Howard: That's how much buying a comic book store means to me.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: I'd like your honest opinion on something.
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I'm very excited about this, and anything you say that isn't enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.
Amy: I'm feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I'm considering investing in Stuart's comic book store.
Amy: Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Then I think it's a terrific idea.
Sheldon: Great. Wait till you hear about our van.
[ Penny's apartment ]
(knocking)
Raj: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Raj: Thanks for inviting us over.
Penny: Oh, thank you for coming.
Emily: Uh, listen, Penny, before you start, I just want to apologise for being so rude the other day in my office.
Penny: No, no. No need to apologise.
Raj: Excuse me, can I say something? I just love both you guys, and I want you to get along. And when I say love I meant as a friend. And, uh, way too soon, right?
Penny: Okay, sit down. Listen, Emily, what happened between me and Raj was a long time ago.
Raj: It was, and I may have made it seem like a bigger deal than I should have.
Penny: Yeah, and Leonard and I are engaged now, and I'm just hoping we can put this whole thing behind us.
Emily: Mm. I'd like that, too. Yeah, I thought I'd be okay with it, but then I saw how pretty you are.
Penny: Oh, that's so sweet. I mean, look at you, you are gorgeous.
Raj: It's true, you're both gorgeous. Kind of says something about the man who could bed you both. You get why I've been alone most of my adult life.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Stuart: So, what brings you by?
Howard: Well, I don't need a reason, it's my house.
Stuart: Technically, it's your mom's house, but we certainly want you to feel welcome.
Howard: I'm always welcome.
Stuart: Mm, just try and call first.
Bernadette: Okay, let's get down to business. Howie was thinking about putting up some money to help you reopen the store, but before that happens, I have a few questions.
Stuart: Oh. I appreciate the offer, but actually your mother already gave me the money.
Howard: What?
Stuart: Yeah. I told her it was too much, but she said she was happy to help out her bubala.
Howard: Excuse me. Ma, you are cancelling that cheque, and Stuart is not your bubala, I'm your bubala. You can't have more than one bubala.
Stuart: I don't know who he's talking to. She's at Target, buying me shirts.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Raj: I'm so glad we could work this all out.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Emily: You know, we should have dinner one night with you and Leonard.
Penny: Oh, we would love that.
Raj: Great.
(both chuckle)
Penny: Okay, good night, guys.
Emily: All right, night.
Penny: Bye.
Emily and Penny (simultaneously): I hate her.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: I'm really disappointed we're not gonna have our own comic book store.
Leonard: I know. I was looking forward to it.
Sheldon: It would've been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.
Howard: With comfy seats.
Raj: And snacks.
Sheldon: Well, I guess it was too good to be true.
Leonard: Yeah.
(all sigh) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x04 - The Hook-up Reverberation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The cafeteria ]
Raj: Hey, I read that someone invented a way to convert your footsteps into electromagnetic energy so you can charge your cell phone while walking.
Leonard: We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?
Howard: Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.
Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.
Leonard: That's not what happened.
Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss's death.
Howard: No one wants to hear it.
Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.
Leonard: Penny is not the reason I didn't pursue that idea.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?
Raj: Easy. Sleeping with Penny.
Howard: Getting Penny to go back out with him after she dumped him.
Raj: Tricking Penny into getting engaged.
Howard: And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.
Leonard: I think someone owes me an apology.
Sheldon: Well, don't feel bad. I think we've all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.
Howard: You admit Amy's a distraction?
Sheldon: Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you're having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?
Leonard: Well, maybe we have lost our focus.
Howard: It wouldn't k*ll us to get together and brainstorm ideas.
Raj: Ooh, we could have one of those retreats.
Leonard: Like our own science retreat.
Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.
Sheldon: I'm not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?
Leonard: Then we'll go to a hotel.
Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?
Raj: We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake.
Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?
Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.
Leonard: Fine. Then we'll just stay here and do it.
Sheldon: Well, you didn't suggest a beach house.
Leonard: You would go to a beach house?
Sheldon: Well, good Lord, no, have you seen Jaws?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x05 ♪
The Focus Attenuation
Original Air Date on October 13, 2014
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. So, the guys and I are talking about having kind of a science retreat this weekend. I just wanted to know if that's okay. You and I had talked about going to brunch on Sunday.
Penny: Want to go to Vegas this weekend?
Amy: Of course I do.
Penny: Bernadette? Girl's weekend. Vegas. You in?
Bernadette: Hell, yeah.
Penny: Yes. I'll check flights.
Bernadette: I'll check hotels.
Amy: I'll check my underpants. I'm so excited, I think I peed.
Leonard: They seem okay with it.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hey. I didn't think you'd make it.
Raj: Why not?
Howard: Well, 'cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you'd have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.
Raj: For your information, Emily is working tonight.
Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.
Leonard: Okay, let's focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let's change the world.
Sheldon: Thinking caps on.
Howard: Here we go.
Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. We're innovating. I feel like we're in the Facebook movie.
Howard: Oh. I never saw that.
Sheldon: Really?
Raj: Oh. It's wonderful, and I swear I'm not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it.
Raj: Cool. I'll make the popcorn.
Leonard: Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let's change the world to let's watch TV.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Is that a no?
Howard: Okay. No. Leonard's right. We're here to focus. Didn't we used to have a list of all our ideas?
Leonard: I, I think I still have it.
Sheldon: I did not get a clear answer. I'm gonna set this down now.
Leonard: Ah, here it is. Whoa. I haven't looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend.
Howard: Mm, that was mine.
Leonard: Robot prost*tute.
Howard: Also mine.
Sheldon: Wait. I'm confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prost*tute?
Howard: There's just some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a h*t.
Leonard: Okay, let's just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion.
Howard: No, it vibrates. Keep going.
Leonard: You know, let's just come up with something new.
Sheldon: You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I've long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.
Raj: Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven't been invented yet.
Leonard: How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?
Sheldon: If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty's hover board, that would have universal application.
Leonard: Well, it's, it's possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.
Raj: Oh, I have an idea.
Sheldon: I think I have the same one.
Howard: We got to watch Back to the Future II.
Raj: I'll make the popcorn.
[ A Vegas hotel room ]
Penny: So, where should we go first?
Amy: Ooh. There's a cover band in the lounge.
Penny: Nah.
Amy: But they play Barry Manilow.
Penny: No.
Amy: But they're called Fairly Manilow.
Penny: Oh. Okay.
Amy: Great.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Well, what do you want to do?
Penny: Well, we're in Vegas. I want to go downstairs, get a bucket of margaritas, dance until I vomit all over a roulette wheel and watch it go everywhere.
Amy: What if we don't want to vomit?
Penny: Oh, you will. That's why they give you the bucket. Uh-oh.
Amy: What?
Penny: It's my boss. They moved my field ride up to Monday.
Amy: What does that mean?
Penny: It means instead of having a week to study, I only have two days.
Bernadette: That sucks.
Amy: Can you start in the morning?
Penny: Uh, it's kind of a lot. You know, let me do a little tonight, and I'll catch up with you guys later.
Bernadette: You sure?
Penny: Yeah, it's okay. Go ahead.
Amy: So, um, now that Penny's not coming…
Bernadette: We're not seeing Fairly Manilow.
Amy: Okay.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn't make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.
Leoanard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn't until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.
Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?
Leonard: Had will have placed?
Sheldon: That's my boy.
Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn't until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That's when he altered the timeline.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven't placed it!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn't be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn't the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…
Leonard: Wait. Is brought right?
Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?
Leonard: I don't know. You did it to me.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn't, never had have hasn't.
Raj: He's right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff.
Howard: Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.
Leonard: Guys.
Sheldon: Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?
Raj: Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?
Leonard: Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.
Sheldon: I don't think it worked.
[ A bar in Vegas ]
Amy: Maybe after this, you'll be in the mood for some Manilow.
Bernadette: I think after this, I'll be d*ad.
Amy: Look at us out, while Penny's in the room studying.
Bernadette: I'm proud of her. This is a great opportunity. It's nice to see her take it seriously.
Amy: It is. But enough about Penny. Let's talk about us. We're looking good.
Bernadette: We are.
Amy: Better than good. I mean, look at you. Your body's bangin'.
Bernadette: Amy.
Amy: Don't Amy me. We're always talking about how hot Penny is. Come on, scientist to scientist, how big are those Hadron Colliders?
Bernadette: You're embarrassing me.
Amy: Oh, don't be embarrassed. I'll show you the divot in my spine.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: No, no, it's okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.
[ Leonard's laboratory ]
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.
Raj: Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work.
Leonard: So, I've been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there's a way we could use Maglev technology.
Howard: Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.
Sheldon: Well, I wonder if anyone's tried that.
Raj: Go online and look it up.
(Shortly afterwards)
Howard: Oh, I can't argue with him. It's right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener.
Raj: That's nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.
Leonard: I'm sure Mrs. Florida's walking funny. Can we get back to work?
Sheldon: Yeah, he's right. Oh, here's a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?
Howard: Like behavior modification?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?
Raj: That cannot be true.
(Shortly afterwards)
Raj: Hey, it was match point.
Leonard: Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic.
Raj: Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.
Howard: We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.
Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold's bridle. It's an iron cage that's locked around the head and pierces the tongue.
Leonard: If only we had one.
Sheldon: Oh, I'll check Amazon.
[ The hotel room ]
Bernadette: Housekeeping.
Amy: We had a complaint about somebody pooping on a party in there.
Bernadette: It was us the whole time.
Amy: Why'd you tell her? It was working.
Bernadette: Was it working?
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Penny: You guys look like you're having fun.
Amy: We're having the best time.
Bernadette: Guess who won a hundred dollars playing craps.
Penny: That's a dollar.
Bernadette: Then guess who wildly overtipped a cocktail waitress.
Amy: Hey, Penny, hey, let's go. We found a place that has Australian male strippers.
Bernadette: We want to see if they twirl their junk in the other direction.
Penny: That sounds so great. But I have a little more studying to do.
Amy: Can you believe this nerd?
Bernadette: Come on, do you want to sit here being a loser, or do you want to watch me climb into an Australian man's G-string like a baby kangaroo?
Penny: All right, guys, look, I would love to go out, but I've got to get this done, okay? So have fun at the club. And if you get in trouble, find a policeman. And if he's taking off his pants, he is not a real policeman.
Amy: Okay, okay, this is obviously very important to her. Let's just, we'll help her study so she can get done quicker. Here, here, I'm gonna quiz you. I'm gonna quiz you. I got your notes. I got your notes. I got your notes. If you want these, they're gonna be at the strip club.
Bernadette: Aren't you gonna chase her?
Penny: To the walk-in closet? Sure.
[ Leonard's lab ]
Leonard: Okay, so we agree, whenever someone takes us off topic they get their arm hair yanked off.
Raj: And I really can't let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I've been cheating on her.
Leonard: All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling…
Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone's gone off topic?
Leonard: I think it'll be pretty clear. If not, we'll take a vote. Oh, and also…
Sheldon: Ow. We didn't vote!
Leonard: We didn't have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we're leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?
Sheldon: You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That's a tangent and it's your fault.
Howard: That's ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.
Leonard: Thank you. And now I owe you one.
Sheldon: Ow. That was your fault.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I'm gonna hear it from Jenny.
Leonard: Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn't working.
Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It's a common mistake.
Howard: Negative reinforcement is really wrong?
Sheldon: Oh, it's used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.
Raj: No way. Not Bill Murray.
(Shortly afterwards)
Bill Murray (on screen): I'm studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability.
Raj: Huh. Bill Murray did get it wrong.
Howard: Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard's right. We can't just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.
Leonard: Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark.
Raj: Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.
Leonard: It's late. We've wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?
Sheldon: But we didn't see them bust one ghost.
Leonard: So you're, you're saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?
Sheldon: No.
[ The apartment ]
All: Ghostbusters!
Leonard: It really does hold up.
[ The Vegas strip club ]
(dance music blaring, women whooping and cheering)
Bernadette: See? Isn't this better than a hotel room?
Penny: Yep. Shake that thing.
Bernadette: Have you ever seen a body so fine?
Amy: We had some pretty hot corpses in my anatomy class, but none of them moved like that.
[ The hotel room ]
Penny: Good morning. You want to go to the pool? (both groaning) Come on, you said it yourself, only nerds and losers stay in the room. Wow, it's bright out. Isn't it bright? I should probably close these curtains. Nah. Bye.
Bernadette: Would you please close the drapes?
Amy: Okay. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x05 - The Focus Attenuation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Bernadette: I like your suit.
Penny: Oh, thanks. Got a couple new outfits for work.
Howard: How does it feel knowing your fiancée's job is to go out and flirt with doctors, looking like that, while you sit here, you know, looking like this?
Leonard: She doesn't flirt with doctors.
Penny: Yeah. It's all very professional.
Amy: You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt?
Penny: Okay, good.
Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I'd have to say it's the most exiting time in the history of the field.
Bernadette: Oh. What's going on?
Sheldon: I started doing it.
Raj: You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.
Leonard: Yeah, I've read about that, they're sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.
Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.
Penny: Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic att*ck when we went through the car wash.
Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you're referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.
Leonard: I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it's like a cat riding a Roomba.
Howard:If they get scared, they'll have those hats with the lights on them, 'cause down there it's night-night all the time.
Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go (squeakily) ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.
Leonard: Yeah, it'll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.
Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?
Raj: Yup.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn't tell.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x06 ♪
The Expedition Approximation
[ Penny's apartment ]
Leonard: So, one of my favourite video games of all time is called Shadow of the Colossus, and it was only for PlayStation 2, but then they came out with a new version for PS3 with better graphics. I finally got the chance to play it, and for some reason, it just wasn't as good as the first one. Or something about yoga.
Penny: I'm sorry, I was thinking about work.
Leonard: Well, I was just saying that there was this video game…
Penny: Yeah, that's when I started thinking about work. Uh, listen, I've got some good news.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: This is for you.
Leonard: Huh. What is this?
Penny: Well, you know how they gave me the company car? Didn't make sense to have two, so I sold the other one.
Leonard: The one I gave you?
Penny: Yeah. And there's your money back, and now we're even. How great is that?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing.
Penny: Oh, come on, Leonard, I know the car was a thoughtful gesture and I really appreciate it, but it doesn't make sense to have both.
Leonard: You're right.
Penny: What should I have done? Taken a picture of us in the car and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says best fiancé ever?
Leonard: Doesn't sound that bad.
Penny: Well, good, because that's what I did.
Leonard: Aw, oh, thank you. That is so sweet.
Penny: Well, it's not that sweet, I paid for the frame with your money and then got a massage.
Leonard: You know what, you don't have to give me this. You keep it.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: The car was a gift, it was something you needed. I was happy to help you out.
Penny: And I really appreciate it, but now I don't need it, so here you go.
Leonard: Well, this is silly, so you don't need the car, but you could use it to buy yourself something else, like a new purse to put all this money in.
Penny: Sweetie, I can buy my own stuff. I have a good job now.
Leonard: I know, and I'm proud of you, but that doesn't mean I can't do something nice. Like this.
Penny: Okay, I don't want this to turn into a fight.
Leonard: I don't, either.
Penny: Great. Thank you. Can you pass the salt, please?
Leonard: Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.
[ Sheldon's office ]
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?
Sheldon: I'm always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.
Raj: Don't they lay eggs on a rock?
Sheldon: Now I've got room for another thing. What do you want?
Raj: So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it's very humid, and about a hundred degrees.
Sheldon: Well, I'm from Texas and you're from India, we're no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.
Raj: It's also a live mine, so there'll be dynamite expl*si*n going off in the distance.
Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.
Raj: Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.
Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.
Raj: Well, there's no toilets, we'll have to do our business in a bucket.
Sheldon: So it's settled, we're not doing it.
Raj: Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.
Raj: Exactly.
Sheldon: Very well.
Raj: So where should we do it?
Sheldon: Well, I'll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.
Raj: Uh, Sheldon…
Sheldon: Oh, there, well, look, there's all kinds of videos.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Leonard: Hey, you got a sec?
Penny: Hi. Sure.
Leonard: I was hoping we could talk about the money again.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, just forget about it.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, hear me out. I know things got a little weird last night.
Penny: Well, leaving an envelope full of cash on my dresser after sex would count as weird.
Leonard: Well, I think I came up with a pretty good solution.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard: Why don't we just put the money in a joint account? It'll be our first money together. We can use it for the wedding, the honeymoon, whatever.
Penny: You know what, that's great. I love that.
Leonard: Yeah, of course you do, I'm not just a genius in bed. You sure are, baby.
Penny: You two want to be alone?
Leonard: I want you to know I get why you don't want the money, you've got this new job, you're excited about being financially independent, and I am nothing but proud of you.
Penny: Oh, thank you so much. It feels so good to hear you say that. And I want you to know that I get this job kind of changes the balance in our relationship, and I'm trying to be sensitive to that.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, I just think that maybe you're a little hung up on the money because I'm less reliant on you now, and that's a little scary.
Leonard: Hmm. Maybe. Or maybe I tried to do something nice and maybe you had a problem with it because of your control issues.
Penny: Control issues?
Leonard: Maybe.
Penny: Or, maybe now that I'm no longer an out-of-work actress who can't pay for her own dinner, that makes you a little insecure.
Leonard: Well, I can't believe you'd say that. You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.
Penny: You know what? I'm sorry. It's stupid to fight over money.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm sorry, too. We're about to share the rest of our lives together. It's our money, who cares who has it?
Penny: Ugh, You're right, who cares? Mm. Get that money out of my back pocket or I will break your fingers.
[ The university basement ]
Raj: Huh. All this time I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.
Amy: Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.
Raj: Did you get in?
Amy: No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.
Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.
Raj: This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.
Sheldon: Plus, there's almost no chance we'll see any of our coworkers half naked.
Raj: Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.
Sheldon: All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I'll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what's the rule?
Amy: Save you first; come back for Raj only if there's time.
Raj: We're going to be fine.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm really impressed you're willing to try this.
Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that's gonna rocket to the top of the list.
Raj: I'm sweating already.
Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.
Raj: How hot is it?
Sheldon: Uh, let's see. 704? No, wait, it's on clock. Uh, the real answer isn't much better. 102 degrees.
Raj: Well, that's what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.
Sheldon: True. Sheldon's Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali's restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Leonard: Thanks again for having us.
Howard: Oh, of course. What did you guys want to talk about?
Penny: Well, you know, now that we're engaged, we had some questions about how you handle money as a couple.
Bernadette: I told you they weren't gonna ask us to swing with them.
Howard: I didn't think they were going to. I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard's feelings.
Leonard: Well, nailed it.
Howard: So what did you want to know?
Penny: Well, do you guys ever fight over money?
Bernadette: Sure, sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
Howard: You didn't have to say so much more.
Bernadette: Well, I didn't have to, but for the sake of accuracy I felt that I should.
Howard: I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
Bernadette: Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
Howard: For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
Bernadette: Without asking me?
Howard: There were only three minutes left in the auction and it was a mint condition Scotty from a smoke-free home.
Bernadette: How much, Howie?
Howard: Not a lot.
Bernadette: How much?
Howard: Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.
Bernadette: Was it more or less than falconry school?
Howard: For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
Leonard: Like I would swing with him.
[ The steam tunnel ]
Raj: How you feeling?
Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.
Raj: Let's set up the equipment. It'll help take your mind off of it.
Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.
Raj: Do you know any mining songs?
Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) ♪ Where it's dark as a dungeon, and it's damp as the dew. ♪
Rajj: That's pretty.
Sheldon: ♪ Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it's dark as a dungeon way down in the mine. ♪
Raj: It's a little more bleak than I thought.
Sheldon: ♪ Well, I pray when I'm d*ad and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal. ♪
Raj: Getting kind of grim.
Sheldon: ♪ Then I'll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones. ♪
Raj: Okay. How 'bout a little Miley Cyrus next?
Sheldon: Who's he?
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Howard: Talk about wasted money. What about the late fees on our credit card because somebody didn't pay the bill on time?
Bernadette: Well, maybe I would have paid it if I wasn't also doing everything else around here.
Howard: Oh, you're saying I don't do anything around here. Look at my chore chart.
Leonard: She made him a chore chart.
Penny: I see it.
Howard: Do the dishes. There's a star right there.
Bernadette: That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.
Howard: That pan had to soak and you know it.
Bernadette: Well, don't come crying to me when you don't get your allowance.
Howard: It's not an allowance. It's a stipend, and we said we weren't gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.
Leonard: I usually don't like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.
[ The steam tunnel ]
Raj: So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don't have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.
Sheldon: That's preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?
Raj: But you're okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?
Sheldon: He doesn't just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.
Amy (shouting): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!
Amy (on walkie-talkie): You guys doing okay down there?
Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.
Amy: I'm going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?
Sheldon: This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.
Amy: Okay, just checking.
Raj: We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.
Sheldon: You're not going to have Funyuns when we're a mile below the surface of the Earth.
Raj: What if we brought them down with us?
Sheldon: We'll take some Funyuns.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.
Rajj: Have her get season two. Season one, it was still finding itself.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: Sorry you guys had to see that.
Penny: Oh, don't apologize.
Leonard: Yeah. It just makes it a lot harder to pretend it never happened.
Bernadette: Money's a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.
Penny: It really bothers him?
Bernadette: Well, sure. There's still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers. So even though he's happy for me, it's just a little tough on him.
Penny: Uh-oh.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, if I do well in sales, I could end up making a lot more money than you.
Leonard: Not a problem. I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really, it's what I think love looks like.
Bernadette: I'll be right back. I'm gonna go check on him.
Penny: Maybe it's a good thing we came here. It's like a lesson in what not to do.
Leonard: Yeah I don't want something dumb like money to come between us.
Penny: It won't. Let's just promise to figure this kind of stuff out before we get married.
Howard (O.C.): Why are you being so bossy?
Bernadette (O.C.): Why are you being a baby?
Howard (O.C.): I'm not a baby. I'm a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where's my star?
Leonard: Should we go?
Penny: Hang on. I want to see if he gets the star.
[ The steam tunnel ]
Raj: Oh, this heat is brutal.
Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.
Raj: Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let's get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.
Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.
Raj: How's that going?
Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can't breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.
Raj: Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.
Sheldon: We're not stopping.
Raj: You don't have to bite my head off.
Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I'm plagued by an internal struggle.
Raj: If you would just use the bucket, you'd be so much more comfortable.
Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.
Raj: Oh. Is it Amy?
Sheldon: It's dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I'm back at square one. And, frankly, it's frightening.
Raj: Sheldon, you know what I think of when I'm scared? Voyager.
Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?
Raj: The space probe.
Sheldon: Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.
Raj: By the time I was born, Voyager 1's mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don't leave. You can do this.
Amy: Sheldon, is everything okay?
Sheldon: It's too late for Koothrappali. Let's go.
Amy: 11 minutes. That's longer than I thought.
Raj (O.C.): They're in my shirt. They're in my shirt. They're in my shirt.
[ Penny's bedroom ]
Penny: Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.
Leonard: I've never done it on a big old pile of cash before. Me neither, Leonard. It's my first time, too.
[ Howard and Bernadette's bedroom ]
Bernadette: I'm so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.
Howard: It's okay.
Bernadette: No, it's not okay. I want us to be partners, equals. Adults in a mature relationship.
Howard: I want that, too.
Bernadette: Now, let's talk about your birthday party.
Howard: Ooh, laser tag, laser tag.
Bernadette: Oh.
[ The apartment ]
Amy: Do you really need me to transcribe this?
Sheldon: You're not doing it for me. You're doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon's Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.
Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You're a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.
Sheldon: His statements of the obvious continue to annoy. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x06 - The Expedition Approximation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ Penny's apartment ]
Bernadette: So, what are you working on these days?
Amy: I'm studying one-celled organisms to try and find the neurochemicals that lead to the feeling of shame.
Bernadette: What would a one-celled organism have to be embarrassed about?
Penny: Same as all of us, getting out of a car without underwear.
Bermadette: Speaking of underwear, I have some interesting news.
Penny: Okay, if it's sometimes Howie wears yours, Leonard already told us.
Bernadette: He was being funny. I'm pretty sure. Anyway, I was asked to be a part of a magazine article about the 50 sexiest female scientists in California. Isn't that cool?
Amy: I think it's awful.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is check out the rack on that scientist.
Bernadette: Why can't someone be thought of as both smart and pretty?
Amy: I just don't think a professional woman should have to flaunt her sexuality in order to get ahead.
Penny: Okay, what's the big deal? Look, if it helps me make a sale with a physician, I don't think it hurts to flirt a little. I mean, laugh at their joke, touch their arm, maybe crank up the AC in the car beforehand, you know, to wake up the girls.
Amy: Maybe it's different in the world of sales, but it's already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science.
Bernadette: I was kind of excited about the article, but now you're making me feel bad.
Penny: No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would've become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 7
The Misinterpretation Agitation
Original Air Date on October 31, 2015
[ The building foyer ]
Man with Flowers: Thank you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation's commerce. It's because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I'd shake your hand, but, well, you know.
Man: I'm not a delivery man, I'm a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.
Sheldon: That's humorous.
Man: All right.
Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.
Man: All right.
Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn't a joke.
Man: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.
Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.
Man: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.
Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.
Leonard: Great timing, food just got here.
Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?
Leonard: No, but you can have mine.
Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.
Leonard: What? Why didn't you say that first?
Sheldon: Why didn't you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.
Leonard: Can I help you?
Man: Oh, hi. Uh, does Penny live here?
Leonard: May I ask why?
Man: Well, uh, I met her at my office, she winked at me. And, uh, I came hoping to initiate a romantic relationship.
Leonard: Okay, um, look, I'm pretty sure she didn't wink at you.
Man: Oh, she did. Seductively, like this. And then she touched my arm for two Mississippis. Like, you know, one Mississippi, two…
Leonard: I got it, I got it. Listen, um, I think there's been a misunderstanding. See, Penny is my fiancée.
Man: Really? I've never seen her wear an engagement ring.
Raj: Really?
Man: So, am I to presume that her flirtation was just a sales technique?
Leonard: I think so.
Man: When will I learn? It's just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Man: Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You're a, you're a lucky man.
Leonard: Thank you. Sorry.
Man: Oh, uh, you probably don't want her to see this. It's unnecessarily graphic.
Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two, and they're having dinner with us.
[ A bar ]
Amy: So, how was work today?
Bernadette: It was fine, but you'll be happy to know they pulled the sexy scientists article.
Amy: What happened?
Bernadette: I don't know. They just canceled the photo sh**t and said they're rethinking it.
Amy: Well, I'm really sorry, but I think it's for the best. You want people focusing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in some magazine.
Bernadette: I guess. It's really not that important. Hey, up here.
Amy: Sorry, it's just we're, we were talking about them. So, look, I, I wasn't going to say anything, but since you seem to be okay with the article being canceled, I have a little confession. I'm the reason it was pulled.
Bernadette: What? How?
Amy: I sent the editors of the magazine a pretty scathing e-mail.
Bernadette: Amy, what did you say?
Amy: I simply pointed out that they would never consider doing an article ranking male scientists on their sexuality, let alone showing them in various stages of undress.
Bernadette: Because no one wants to see Neil deGrasse Tyson in a wet T-shirt, bent over the hood of a Porsche.
Amy: Well, it doesn't make a difference, because they agreed it was in bad taste, and now you agree, so Amy saves the day.
Bernadette: No, what happened was you got jealous, so you took away a chance for me to get some publicity.
Amy: But it was bad publicity.
Bernadette: That's for me to decide, not you.
Amy: I disagree. As a female scientist, I think what you do affects all of us.
Bernadette: And I think you don't like people expressing their sexuality because no one wants you to express yours. Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. That was over the line.
Amy: You have a nice night.
Bernadette: Please don't go. Up until my vicious att*ck, you were the one in the wrong.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey.
Man: Thank you. Neat Star Trek mug. I actually have one of the phasers from the original TV show.
Raj: Oh, cool.
Howard: How'd you get that?
Man: Oh, easy, Gene Roddenberry needed a vasectomy.
Sehldon: Wait a minute. You've snipped Gene Roddenberry's vas deferens?
Man: Yes.
Howard: Wow, he really went where no man has gone before.
Man: I don't like to brag,but, uh, you see, I'm kind of the doctor to the stars' urinary tracts.
All: Wow.
Man: Uh, you, you want to see James Cameron's kidney stone?
All: Ooh.
Man: He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator.
Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?
Man: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn't really get serious until William Shatner's bladder infection.
Sheldon: What'd you get? What'd you get?
Man: Well, he said it was a tribble. It could be a toupee, but either way, it's pretty cool.
Raj: I would love to see your collection.
Man: Anytime. Uh, I've got some cool stuff. When I first started, I thought it would be a good way to meet women, but, well, you know.
Howard: We know.
Raj: Preach.
Man: Can I ask you a personal question?
Leonard: Sure.
Man: Um, I mean, you're a guy like me, so how'd you get a girl like Penny?
Leonard: Oh. Well, you know, just being myself, really.
Sheldon: Oh, please, you know, I'll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.
Leonard: I don't know that I'd call myself an infection.
Howard: A gallant man would defend his fiancée for being called a urethra.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject?
Penny: Hi.
Raj: Well, that didn't go your way.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here?
Dr Lorvis: Uh, well, actually I came to see you.
Penny: Really? Why?
Leonard: Ah, that's a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.
Sheldon: Oh, God. Don't make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.
Penny: Oh, this is very embarrassing. Dr. Lorvis, I am so sorry. I did not mean to lead you on.
Dr Lorvis: You touched my arm for two Mississippis.
Penny: Oh. That's why you were mumbling Mississippi.
Leonard: Can we talk in private?
Penny: Please, yes.
Leonard: I'll be right back.
Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?
Leonard: So, uh, what's the deal? You take off your ring when you go to work?
Penny: What? No, no, I just put it on the other hand and turn it around. Keep that hand in my pocket.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Well, what do you mean why? Look, I make more sales if these doctors think I'm single. I did the same kind of thing as a waitress. The real question is, what is he doing in your apartment?
Leonard: Oh, he was upset. So Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage.
Penny: You were okay with that?
Leonard: No. I got upset. And Sheldon made me a beverage, too.
Penny: Okay, he just showed up at my door. Don't you think that's a little weird?
Leonard: A little, but he's basically harmless. He's actually kind of a nice guy.
Penny: Okay. Whatever, look, my company does not allow me to socialize with doctors outside of work. You got to get rid of him.
Leonard: Why am I the one that has to get rid of him?
Penny: I can't do it, he's my best client.
Leonard: All right, I'll get rid of him. But you owe me one.
Raj: Hey, we're going to Oliver's house to see his collection. You want to go with us?
Leonard: Yeah, sure. You owe me.
[ Dr Lorvis' basement ]
Leonard: Oh, my God.
Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it's in the basement of a urologist's house in Sherman Oaks.
Dr Lorvis: Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude. This is where I go to get away from all my other solitude.
Howard: Oh, come on. It's a replica.
Dr Lorvis: Original.
Howard: Oh, I think I just cheated on my wife.
Raj: The g*n from Hellboy?
Dr Lorvis: Yup.
Raj: How did you get it?
Dr Lorvis: Bought it at auction.
Raj: Oh, I was hoping for a juicy tidbit about Ron Perlman's testicles.
Woman's voice (O.C.): Oliver, I'm going to play bingo.
Dr Lorvis: Okay, Mother. Have fun.
Howard: Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right?
Raj: Yeah, I'm not quite sure how to respond.
Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid.
Sheldon: Because it's a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?
Leonard: No, because I liked it.
Sheldon: Well, now, don't get defensive. You're oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.
Dr Lorvis: So, I've noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.
Sheldon: Yes. If you'd like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.
Dr Lorvis: So, you think she'll be single soon?
Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you're too late. All the squares have been purchased.
Dr Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.
Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I'm still upset about that peanut sauce.
[ The lobby ]
Dr Lorvis: Oh, could you hold the door?
Amy: Nice flowers.
Dr Lorvis: Thank you. They're for a girl. Uh, I'm being implacable and relentless.
Amy: Isn't she lucky?
Dr Lorvis: She keeps sending me mixed signals. But I think we both want the same thing.
Amy: What's that?
Dr Lorvis: Unconditional love.
Amy: I guess that's all anybody wants.
Dr Lorvis: I guess so.
Amy: Well, I hope you get it.
Dr Lorvis: One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
[ Dr Lorvis' basement ]
Leonard: Next game, let's switch helmets.
Sheldon: No, I'd look silly in that helmet.
[ The stairwell ]
Amy: I can't take these.
Dr Lorvis: Why not? I mean, you want what I want. And we had two wonderful Mississippis.
Amy: But what about the other girl?
Dr Lorvis: Oh, right. I'll tell her we should just be friends.
Penny: Dr. Lorvis?
Dr Lorvis: Penny, we should just be friends. Happy?
[ Dr Lorvis' basement ]
Raj: You think he bites?
Howard: Stick your head in there and find out.
Raj: You fooled me with that goat at the petting zoo. You will not fool me again.
Leonard: I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He's been gone a while.
Raj: Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy.
Howard: It's sad how some guys can't cut the apron strings.
Raj: Okay, now you're messing with me.
Leonard: Uh, guys, we're locked in here.
Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: So, you just left them alone playing games in your house?
Dr Lorvis: Well, they seemed happy and I thought that would give me time for you and I to get to know each other better. That was before we met.
Amy: We all have a past.
Penny: Doc, you've got to see what you're doing is, is a little creepy.
Dr Lorvis: You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom.
Penny: Okay, you can't just go chasing after every girl who's nice to you.
Dr Lorvis: Well, that's not what Sheldon says. And he seems to know his way around the ladies.
Penny (on phone): Hey, Leonard. Guess who's back. Dr. Lorvis. Yeah. You care to join us? What? You locked them in your basement?
Dr Lorvis: Well, they're, they're not locked in. The door just sticks.
Penny: Okay, so how do they unstick it?
Dr Lorvis: They'd need the key.
Penny: Okay. Nope. That's it. We are gonna go over there right now, and you are going to let them out.
Dr Lorvis: Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.
Penny: Move it.
[ The foyer ]
Bernadette: Oh, good, you're here. Amy, I am so sorry.
Amy: That has to wait. This weirdo locked the guys up in his basement.
Bernadette: What?
Dr Lorvis: She seems nice. Who's she?
Penny: Just walk.
[ Dr Lorvis' basement ]
Sheldon: You can do this.
Raj: One ladder left.
Leonard: Oh-hom yeah.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: Next level.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Better than okay. I am having the game of my life.
Amy: Dr. Lorvis, isn't there something you want to say?
Dr Lorvis: Yes. I'm very sorry for locking you in my home.
Howard: Yeah, that was very uncool. Get the hammer. Get the hammer.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: Okay, Leonard, let's go.
Leonard: Just hang on.
Dr Lorvis: Well, while we wait, would you like to see Tobey Maguire's prostate sonogram?
Amy: Sure.
Penny: Yeah.
Dr Lorvis: Oh, spoiler alert. He was worried about nothing. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x07 - The Misinterpretation Agitation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The cafeteria ]
Leonard: Oh, hey, oh, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.
Howard: Oh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That's why I don't take her to SeaWorld.
Leonard: I know you-you don't want to hear it, but she was there with Stuart.
Howard: That's fine. I don't care.
Raj: It doesn't bug you when they go out on dates?
Howard: They're not dating. They're just two friends who went out to dinner.
Raj: And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
Howard: Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj: Like who?
Howard: Like you and your dog.
Leonard: Don't rule out the dating.
Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
Sheldon: You think you've got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
Howard: How is this helpful?
Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there's a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
Leonard: But the gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as. It doesn't even know it's called a gibbon.
Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you've got it worse than a gibbon.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 8
The Prom Equivalency
Original Air Date on November 6, 2015
[ Penny's Apartment ]
Amy: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: We brought snacks for movie night.
Penny: Oh, great. I don't suppose you also brought napkins, clean bowls, utensils and a roll of toilet paper.
Bernadette: Right here.
Penny: Ah, You guys are the best.
Amy: What's with the clothes?
Penny: Well, with all the new stuff I bought for work, I needed to make room in my closet.
Amy: I meant why are they folded? But whatever. Ooh, what's this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, is my prom dress.
Bernadette: Wow, you still have it? I just assumed it was balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette: Slutty.
Amy: Easy.
Penny: The word is popular.
Bernadette: How was your prom? Did you go?
Amy: No, but I was on clean-up crew.
Penny: Aw, that's sad.
Amy: No, it was okay. The DJ let me dance one slow song with my mop before he shut down. Whenever I see a bucket of dirty water, I still hear Lady in Red.
Bernadette: My prom was pretty terrible, too. I was so excited about my date, but it turned out he only asked me 'cause he liked my friend. He spent the whole night talking about her.
Amy: Okay, we get it, you had a friend and a date. Stop bragging.
Penny: Doesn't matter. Prom is silly anyways.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say; you probably went with the captain of the football team.
Penny: No. I just made out with him a little while his date was puking.
Amy: My date would've had to clean that up.
Bernadette: Ooh, I have an idea. Maybe we can have, like, a prom do-over.
Amy: Oh, that would be so much fun. We could decorate the roof and make the guys wear tuxedos.
Bernadette: Ooh, and get our hair done, and slow-dance.
Penny: Okay, guys, trust me, as someone who's been to, like, seven proms, it is never as good as you want it to be.
Amy: You went to seven proms?
Penny: Yeah, let's see. Uh, four Under the Seas, two Enchanted Evenings, and one Night to Remember that I cannot remember for the life of me.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, where's Bernadette?
Howard: She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing.
Raj: Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I've wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I'm back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing's been a real roller coaster.
Howard: Bernie's really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.
Raj: Did you go to your prom?
Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…
Penny: Okay, okay.
Shldon: …of AP Calculus.
Raj: How come you're not shopping with Amy and Bernadette?
Leonard: Let me guess, you think the whole idea is lame?
Penny: Well, who cares what I think? What do you think?
Leonard: Hmm, to be honest, it's kind of a dream come true to go to even a fake prom with a woman as beautiful as you.
Penny: Ugh, thanks a lot.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Well, now I can't blow this thing off without being a bitch.
Raj: That sounds like a yes.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: Ooh, every single person RSVP'd yes. This is so exciting. Isn't this exciting?
Howard: Yep.
Bernadette: Look, even Stuart's bringing a date. I wonder who it is.
Howard: You know exactly who it is. He's gonna bring my mom. Why did you even invite him?
Bernadette: Because he's our friend, and you two need to get along. And why can't he take your mom? You took her to your prom.
Howard: I didn't take her, she was a chaperone.
Bernadette: I saw a picture of you two dancing together.
Howard: What was I gonna do? They were playing our song. I can't take this anymore.
Stuart (on phone): Hello.
Howard: Stuart, we have to talk. This thing with you and my mom, I hate it. It's making me crazy. You and I were friends for years, and now you're bringing my mother to a party I'm going to? What the hell?
Stuart: I'm not bringing your mother, I have a date.
Howard: Oh, so now you're cheating on my mother?
Stuart: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? There's nothing weird going on with me and your mother.
Mrs Wolowitz (O.C.): Stewie, your bath is getting cold!
Stuart: I got to go, bye.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: You knocked more than usual.
Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it's good to have a few in the bank.
Penny: Okay, what's up?
Sheldon: I'd like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I've come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.
Penny: Great, how?
Sheldon: We pretend we're aliens. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I'm gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Penny: Okay, just one question. What?
Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I've used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don't worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.
Penny: Here's a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by f*ring her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.
Leonard: There, perfect.
Sheldon: What, are you sure? It's my first prom, I want to do it correctly.
Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.
Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn't want to. You didn't want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn't want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.
Leonard: Was that a flask?
Sheldon: Yes. I've decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.
Leonard: You're gonna put alcohol in the punch?
Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It's all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.
Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you'd be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren't elected. It's gonna be off the hook.
Leonard: And while you're at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to.
Sheldon: Why would you say that?
Leonard: You know, 'cause, 'cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.
Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?
Leonard: Just relax, it's a joke. You don't have hormones.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Leonard: Wow, you look amazing.
Penny: Thank you, so do you.
Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Sheldon, doesn't Amy look hot? That's got to put some starch in the upper flermin.
Amy: What's that?
Leonard: Oh, it's a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you're dancing.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Amy: Where are you going?
Sheldon: I can't do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn't grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.
Leonard: He's right, I was thinking of the lower flermin.
[ A limo ]
Raj: Ooh, I'll, uh, text Stuart, let him know we're close.
Bernadette: That's a neat tattoo.
Emily: Oh, thanks, it's Sally from Nightmare before Christmas.
Bernadette: Aw, that movie's so cute.
Howard: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily: Uh, a little, but more that she's covered in scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette: I like Cinderella.
Emily: Did you know, in the original book, the sisters cut off their toes with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette: I like Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
Raj: Hey, here comes Stuart and his date.
Emily: Oh, she's cute.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: That's Jeanie.
Bernadette: That's Jeanie?
Emily: Who's Jeanie?
Howard: Don't say it.
Raj: That's Howard's cousin that he had sex with.
Howard: She is my second cousin. We were 15, I just said, don't say it.
Emily: No, it's okay. He told me that story a long time ago.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: It was our first date, there was an awkward silence. What was I supposed to say?
[ The rooftop ]
Penny: Oh, it's beautiful.
Leonard: Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
Penny: Aw, I know I wasn't into this before, but I'm so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
Leonard: What makes you think I didn't go to my prom? I went.
Penny: Well, who'd you go with?
Leonard: I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: Oh, it's all right. We ended up having a threesome with her friend humiliation, so…
Penny: Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone, I would've asked you to dance.
Leonard: No, you wouldn't have.
Penny: Well, you don't know that.
Leonard: It was before my growth spurt.
Penny: What, that already happened?
Leonard: Very funny.
Penny: Well, you wouldn't have asked me either.
Leonard: I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.
[ Sheldon's bedroom ]
Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: I don't think that's a good idea.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic att*ck. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.
Amy: You're making me worry. What's going on?
Sheldon: What's going on is we're about to go to a prom. And there's a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.
Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?
Sheldon: It's not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I'm not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.
Sceme: The limo.
Stuart: So, I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys'. She passed me the Manischewitz, I took one look at this punim, and I almost plotzed on the kugel.
Rajj: Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
Howard: So, my mother's okay with this?
Jeannie: Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
Howard: ‘Cause they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
Jeannie: Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
Raj: This is so messed up.
Emily: I know, I'm having the best time.
Howard: Why would you even come to this? Didn't you know I'd be here?
Jeannie: It was a long time ago, Howard.
Stuart: And you're only second cousins, who cares?
Bernadette: So, you knew and you brought her anyway?
Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
Howard: Yeah.
[ The rooftop ]
Penny: Well, I might not have asked you to dance then, but I will ask you now.
Leonard: There's no music.
Penny: I don't care. We'll make our own music.
Leonard: My God, who's the dork now? Thank you for wearing your flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing your heels.
Leonard: Look at me. Dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to take a picture of us and send it to your old friends in the chess club?
Leonard: I sent them a bikini sh*t of you years ago. This is nice. I kind of wish no one else was coming.
Penny: I know, me, too. But it will be fun to have a prom without all the drama.
[ The limo ]
Bernadette: Howie, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.
[ Sheldon's bedrooom ]
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I'm not missing another prom. I'm going upstairs now. Good-bye.
Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.
Amy: You did?
Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.
Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn't mean we have to spend the night together.
Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it's prom?
Amy: I'm always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.
Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates…
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what's happening. This is a panic att*ck. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn't mean girls are allowed in my room.
[ The rooftop ]
Raj: Okay. Here we go... Say "Cheese"! Say "Cheese"! Say "Cousin"! Say...
Stuart: Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I'm here with Jeanie. Okay, but we're just friends. It's, yeah. I got to go. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x08 - The Prom Equivalency"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.
Sheldon: Me.
Amy: Come on, he's an under-appreciated genius.
Sheldon: Still think it's me.
Amy: It's not you. Now think, there's a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, 'cause it's me.
Amy: How about this, he's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hey, how did it go?
Leonard: Oh, not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
Penny: Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
Amy: Did they figure out what's wrong?
Leonard: Yeah. It's a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He's gonna do it next week.
Sheldon: Why would you have surgery?
Leonard: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.
Penny: Yeah, back off, he's all mine.
Sheldon: But you don't have a life-thr*at condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?
Amy: Sheldon, it's a routine procedure, I've heard you complain about his snoring.
Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm gonna get the surgery, it's no big deal. End of story.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm done talking about it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Let's see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.
Leonard: I think you could give a better clue.
Sheldon: I don't. I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 9
The Septum Deviation
Original Air Date on November 13, 2015
[ Leonard's bedroom ]
Leonard: Okay, why?
Sheldon: I'm listening to you snore. I'm wondering how I'll ever sleep without it.
Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?
Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?
Leonard: What's your problem?
Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.
Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.
Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I'm truly worried.
Leonard: I told you, there's nothing to worry about.
Sheldon: Well, I've been doing some research and I've learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.
Leonard: Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don't die?
Sheldon: I suppose that's true. You're such a glass half-full kind of guy. I'm going to miss that.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Raj: Oh, so, my, uh, parents' 40th anniversary's coming up and I can't think of a thing to get them.
Howard: Damn, can you imagine being married to someone for 40 years?
Bernadette: Not anymore.
Raj: Anyway, any ideas on a gift?
Bernadette: Well, what are some of the things they like?
Raj: They used to like going to the Mumbai Symphony, but last year my mom thought they were phoning it in. Then my dad said based on their love life, she should know about phoning it in.
Bernadette: He said that to her?
Raj: Well, they weren't speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you.
Bernadette: They're yours in the divorce.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Hey. What're you working on?
Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Well, I've been crunching the numbers, and so far, I've gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.
Leonard: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on.
Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon's latex gloves?
Leonard: I'm not allergic to latex.
Sheldon: Well, then why don't you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?
Leonard: For the same reason I don't wear the apron or the hair net.
Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?
Leonard: I don't have epilepsy, either.
Sheldon: You don't, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery?
Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don't expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.
Leonard: Buddy, I, I get that you're worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Leonard: Well, I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.
Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas t*nk of your car.
Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn't you die, too?
Sheldon: I don't know, I'm smart and scrappy, I think I'd find a way.
Leonard: Tell you what, the surgery's not for a week, I'll think about it.
Sheldon: Thank you. And while you're thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.
[ Raj's apartment ]
Raj (on phone): Yes. Okay. I, I understand. Of course, yes. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
Howard: So I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you're cool being the only adults there, they said they are.
Raj: Dude, my parents just split up.
Howard: What?
Raj: Uh, that was my dad on the phone. He moved out.
Howard: Oh, my God, I, I'm sorry. I mean, if you're not up to it, we don't have to go out, we can just hang here.
Raj: No, it's fine. It's not that big a deal. As long as they're happy, I'm happy. And when I get to see them for the holidays, I'll get to celebrate Diwali twice, one at each house. That's double the Diwali.
Howard: You sure you're okay?
Raj: I'm okay.
Howard: You don't look okay.
Raj: How can I be okay? I come from a broken home.
[ A waiting room ]
Leonard: The doctor said I should be out of surgery by ten.
Penny: Okay. And Sheldon really believes we're at a public swimming pool?
Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we'd be floating around in, he didn't even question it.
[ Amy's car ]
Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he's still doing it.
Amy: Don't worry about that. I'm happy to take you to work.
Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can't have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.
Amy: It's nice they're getting exercise.
Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.
Amy: I'm sure he brought it.
Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.
Amy: He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there's an entire section of my dashboard that doesn't have any syrup on it.
Sheldon: You're acting odd. Why?
Amy: I'm odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.
Sheldon: Tell me the truth.
Amy: Twenty eight.
Sheldon: Come on.
Amy: Fifty six.
Sheldon: Amy. What's going on?
Amy: All right. Don't get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he's getting the surgery right now.
Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.
Amy: Just go to work, he'll be fine.
Sheldon: Amy, he's my best friend, and if you don't take me, I'm going there anyway.
Amy: Fine. It's sweet that you care about him so much.
Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn't at his bedside to say I told you so.
[ The waiting room ]
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: We had a really nice swim.
Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre's already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants f*re.
Penny: ‘Cause I'm a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That's for the f*re marshal to determine.
Penny: You had to tell him?
Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.
Sheldon: Is he okay?
Penny: He's still in surgery.
Sheldon: Very well.
Penny: He's gonna be all right. That is sticky.
Amy: Come on, let's talk about something other than the surgery.
Sheldon: That's a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?
Penny: I think she meant something a little happier.
Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.
[ Raj's office ]
Howard: Knock, knock.
Bernadette: Hi.
Raj: Hey. What brings you by?
Bernadette: Oh, muffin much.
Howard: Told you, not funny.
Bernadette: He's just not laughing because he's feeling blueberry. Tough crowd.
Raj: I'm sorry. This is very sweet. Thanks.
Howard: So, how you doing?
Raj: Better. I guess the news just h*t me a lot harder than I expected.
Bernadette: Well, of course. I would be devastated if my parents split up.
Howard: Why? Your father barely speaks to your mother.
Bernadette: Well, at least he stuck around, not like your dad, who just took off.
Howard: As you can see, we're here to cheer you up.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj. Do you have any sense of what happened with your folks?
Raj: I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew.
Bernadette: It's a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there's muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?
[ The waiting room ]
Penny: Oh, it's nice you got him that.
Sheldon: Oh, this isn't for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.
Amy: Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in.
Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.
Amy: Who told you to keep going around?
Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.
Penny: Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don't give him a hard time.
Amy: Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you're thinking, just keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.
Amy: And I'm sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.
Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.
Penny: Really? You won't even say A?
Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won't.
Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with him.
Sheldon: And I'm not? It's an earthquake. I knew it.
Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor.
Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don't care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he's okay.
Amy: Sheldon, you can't go back there.
Sheldon: Try and stop me.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Why didn't you stop me?
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: Can I tell you something? This whole thing with Raj's parents just got me a little worried about us.
Howard: What are you talking about? We're fine. And Raj's parents probably split up because of Raj.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: They always say the children aren't to blame, but, come on.
Bernadette: I'm not joking, Howie. You heard what he said about his parents. It was the little things they kept bottled up. I don't want that to happen to us.
Howard: How can I convince you it won't?
Bernadette: Well, is there anything about me you're keeping inside?
Howard: I'm not answering that. It's a trap.
Bernadette: So there are things you don't like.
Howard: And here I am in the trap. You just keep talking. I'm gonna chew my leg off.
Bernadette: Just tell me one thing that bothers you, and I promise I won't get mad.
Howard: Okay. The truth is, sometimes, you're too beautiful.
Bernadette: Oh. Howie, be serious.
Howard: Okay, okay. I really don't like how your wings poke me when we sleep 'cause you're an angel.
Bernadette: Okay, fine, maybe it was a bad idea.
Howard: I just don't think the secret to a happy marriage is going out of our way to criticize each other. Although, there are ways to improve our communication. One thing I learned when I was in couples therapy was…
Bernadette: Who were you in couples therapy with?
Howard: Not important.
Bernadette: Was it your mom?
Howard: Not important.
Bernadette: It was your mom.
Howard: Anyway, the therapist had us tell each other what we loved about one another.
Bernadette: Oh, that's so sweet. I want to do that.
Howard: All right.
Bernadette: Okay, um, I love that you make me laugh.
Howard: Thank you. And I love that you're strong and independent.
Bernadette: And yet, I still love when you hold a door for me.
Howard: I love that I'm kind of a slob around here, and you're okay with that.
Bernadette: Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you're okay with that.
Howard: See, I am. Isn't this great?
[ The apartment ]
Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card.
Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.
Leonard: How is it my fault?
Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.
Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn't even want you there.
Sheldon: Wow. I don't know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I'm done speaking to you.
Amy: Don't be like that. You two need to talk this out.
Penny: Yeah, 'cause you sound really funny.
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.
Sheldon: Oh, you're hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I'm moving out.
Leonard: I never thought I'd say these words, but come on, nose spider.
Penny: Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you'll never leave him.
Amy: Sheldon will move out eventually.
Penny: Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door.
Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.
Leonard: You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.
Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren't the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you're a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks, even when I have to pee in the morning, and you're in there spending an hour on your hair.
Howard: I love that you're too good to pee in the kitchen sink.
Bernadette: I love that you have the confidence to speak, even without giving it an ounce of thought.
Howard: And I love how your hair is always on the soap. It's like washing myself with a hamster.
Raj: Hey, guys. Sorry I am so late. I was on the phone with my mother.
Bernadette: Oh, how is she?
Raj: Pretty good. She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and used it to set my father's Mercedes on f*re. So, what's up with you guys?
Howard: We're just saying all the things we love about each other.
Raj: Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Oh, what'd you get?
Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: Okay, that's morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon: I can't send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”
Leonard: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these painkillers.
Penny: Hey, why did you get two? I'm with stupid.
Sheldon: Oh, that one's mine. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x09 - The Septum Deviation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. (gasps) I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?
Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?
Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.
Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.
Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.
Amy: After only 232 episodes.
Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.
Amy: You said you weren't gonna bring that up.
Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I'm sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who's Wavin' ‘Em and Why?
Amy: That was a good one.
Sheldon: It was so good.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 10
The Champagne Reflection
Original Air Date on November 20, 2014
[ An office at the university ]
Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a d*ad professor's office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it's also gross.
Howard: Doesn't Professor Abbott's family want any of this stuff?
Leonard: I don't think he had a family.
Raj: That's rough.
Leonard: I know. You can spend your whole life working, and at the end all that's left are some papers in a box.
Howard: Makes you think. Oh, well.
Leonard: Hey. Hey, we're supposed to look through all this stuff before we throw it away in case it's important.
Howard: I did. It's all outdated or disproved.
Raj: I don't know. This old pen kind of proves gravity. When I tilt it, her bathing suit falls right off.
Howard: Oh, my dad used to have a pen like that. I dated it all through sixth grade.
Leonard: It still feels weird just throwing away his work like this.
Howard: Don't feel bad. Someday someone will be throwing out your work, too.
Leonard: That someone was Sheldon, and the day was yesterday. Hey, look at this. Dear Roger, to be opened upon your first great discovery. Love, Mom. Wow, look at the date. He saved this fifty years and never got to open it.
Howard: That's intense.
Raj: Poor Roger Abbott.
Howard: Roger Abbott sounds just like Roger Rabbit.
Raj: Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott. Oh, my God, Leonard, I know he's d*ad, but try it. It's fun. Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott.
[ A hotel conference room ]
Dan: Penny. Oh, my rookie of the year.
Penny: Oh, Dan. My boss who didn't want to hire me and now's a little hug machine.
Dan: Oh, look at you. Brand-new and already the third best sales rep.
Penny: Aw.
Dan: Yes. Why don't you come over to my table.
Penny: I'll be right there. Bernadette's just parking the car.
Dan: Oh, good. Bernadette. Cute, sweet, vicious little Bernadette.
Penny: Come on. She's not that bad.
Dan: Oh, yeah? At the company picnic she yelled at me and my grandson for losing the three-legged race. I mean, he still calls her that mean kid with the big boobies.
Penny: I know she can be a little intense, but, I swear, she is so sweet once you get past all the…
Bernadette: Hey, what are you talking about?
Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn't that right? Dan?
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we've had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.
Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two.
Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn't get recorded.
Amy: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.
Highlight 1
Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today?
Amy: Australia, mate.
Highlight 2
Sheldon: And now it's time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag.
Kripke: Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.
Highlight 3
Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?
Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.
Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?
Sheldon: Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.
Highlight 4
Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?
Amy: I do.
Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.
Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver.
Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs.
Highlight 5
Kripke: Not a fwag, fwag, fwag, not a fwag. Fwag. Ugh cwap.
[ The office ]
Raj: When stuff like this gets me down, you know what I like to do?
Howard: Sing Hakuna Matata like an eight-year-old girl?
Raj: Wrong, smarty-pants. It's Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie.
Leonard: Look at these notebooks. They're full of pages and pages of data. He clearly spent years on this.
Howard: Mmm. It's just columns of random numbers. Toss it.
Leonard: Well, but what if this was a potential breakthrough for him? What if, what if this is the thing that would've finally let him open that bottle of champagne?
Raj: Maybe he didn't know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.
Leonard: This has to mean something.
Howard: Well, there's no discernible pattern that I can see, but it shouldn't be too hard to run the numbers and check.
Leonard: Well, maybe we can get some time on the supercomputer.
Howard: Sure. We could try multiple regressions with varying physical and experimental constants.
Leonard: Oh, we could run a pattern-matching algorithm against well-known unsolved physics problems.
Howard: Ooh, it might be a substitution cipher. We could start with basic cryptanalysis.
Raj: Or we could talk to this guy he used to share an office with.
Howard: Oh, let's do that.
Leonard: Because you don't know how to do cryptanalysis, do you?
Howard: Yeah, I'm not even sure if it's the right word.
[ The conference room ]
Penny: So, Dan, you have a grandson. How old is he?
Dan: Seven.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah. I remember him from the picnic. He was the one crying like a wuss the whole time.
Penny: I heard he was being picked on by a mean kid.
Bernadette: Just builds character. Like my dad said, nobody likes a crybaby except their mommies and Democrats.”
Dan: I need another drink.
Bernadette: What's his problem?
Penny: Oh, I don't know. Maybe he didn't like the fact that you called his grandson a wuss.
Bernadette: Well, I didn't think you were supposed to say sissy anymore.
Penny: Okay, look, I know what a good person you are, but sometimes people think you might come off a little harsh.
Bernadette: What? I'm, like, the sweetest person I know. Look at me. I should be in a tree baking cookies.
Penny: Yes, but once in a while, people think you're a little mean.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? You one of those people?
Penny: No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing.
[ The apartment ]
Amy: Action.
Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal.
Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.
LeVar: While?
Sheldon: While you watch me do it.
LeVar: Great. Happy to be back.
Sheldon: Well, since you're here, I'd like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly r*cist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.
LeVar: Oh, hell, no.
Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it's not r*cist.
[ An apartment building ]
Howard: Are we sure this is the place?
Raj: The doorman said this is the right building.
Leonard: I think if you're pulling up your pants, you're not a doorman. (Knocks)
Man (O.C.): Who is it?
Leonard: Uh, I've been looking for a Professor Sharpe?
Professor Sharpe: Hold on. Can I help you?
Leonard: Hi. We're from the university. We're trying to get some information about Professor Abbott.
Howard: We were cleaning out his office and found these books full of numbers.
Leonard: Any chance you know what it is?
Professor Sharpe: Yes, he was always working on this.
Raj: I was thinking it might be some sort of interstellar coordinate system, maybe an updated version of Hubble's law. I keep seeing the number 90 repeating. That could be the angle of perturbation of a distant galaxy.
Professor Sharpe: It's the number of calories in a yoghurt. That's his food diary.
Leonard: Really?
Professor Sharpe: Yeah, he wrote down everything he ever ate. He was convinced that calorie restriction was the key to living forever.
Raj: Does it work?
Howard: Seriously?
Raj: Well, he could have been h*t by a bus. You don't know.
Professor Sharpe: Sorry it's not more interesting. On the bright side, you didn't have to listen to his stomach growl for 35 years.
Leonard: So, was there anything that Professor Abbott worked on during his life that came close to an accomplishment?
Professor Sharpe: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything.
Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out? Great. Hey, this is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel.
Raj: Well, you could be very frugal. I'm getting a little tired of everybody's sarcasm.
[ The conference room ]
Bernadette: I'm not a bully. I mean, maybe I come off a little strong, but that's only because my dad raised me to be tough and not to take crap from anybody.
Penny: No. That's fine, but there's a difference between being tough and telling your friend her new pants look like a saggy diaper.
Bernadette: I did say that, didn't I?
Penny: Yeah, you did. I felt so self-conscious, I had to return them.
Bernadette: Where? To Babies R Us?
Penny: You're doing it again.
Bernadette: Okay, sorry. Can we just go? I feel like everybody hates me.
Penny: Oh, come on, they don't hate you, all right? They're just a little intimidated. All you need to do is show everyone how sweet you really are.
Bernadette: I think I'd rather go.
Penny: No, come on. You are not going anywhere, all right? I am here for you, and we are gonna fix this together.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Penny: Even though your dress is ugly.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.
Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.
Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn't give it up for the world. Except for now, when I'm giving it up. Before I sign off, I'd, uh, I'd like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It's good for times like this. Good night.
Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: If you didn't press record…
Amy: I pressed it.
[ The office ]
Leonard: Well, that's it. That's the end of Roger Abbott.
Raj: And we still don't know who framed him.
Leonard: I still keep thinking about how an entire life can seemingly amount to nothing.
Howard: I guess the sad truth is, not everyone will accomplish something great. Some of us may just have to find meaning in the little moments that make up life.
Leonard: That's a nice way of looking at it.
Howard: Yeah for you, not for me. I went to space. I'm covered.
Leonard: You know what? This bottle was meant to celebrate an achievement. Let's make a pact. When one of us gets their first big breakthrough, we'll celebrate by opening this bottle of champagne and toasting Professor Abbott.
Howard: I love that.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Leonard: Then, of course, rubbing our success in Sheldon's face.
Raj: Oh, well, that's the best part.
Howard: Oh, yeah.
[ The conference room ]
Bernadette: Dan, could I talk to you for a minute?
Dan: Sure, go ahead.
Bernadette: Just want you to know I didn't mean to be rude about your grandson.
Dan: No, it's okay.
Bernadette: No, it's not. Penny told me that everyone's scared of me.
Dan: What? What? Why would she say that? You know she drinks, right?
Penny: What?
Bernadette: No, she's right, and I just want you to know that from now on, I'm gonna be much more sensitive. I don't want anyone walking on eggshells around me.
Dan: Oh, well, okay, then, uh, one thing I've been meaning to tell you is that the company is gonna stop paying for our coffee.
Bernadette: No problem. When does that start?
Dan: Five months ago.
Bernadette: What?
Dan: Yeah.
Bernadette: Who's been paying for my coffee?
Dan: All of us.
Penny: Yeah. It comes from the swear jar we put money in when you curse.
Bernadette: What else don't I know about?
Penny: Uh, well, you know your private bathroom?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Penny: That was supposed to be for the whole floor.
Bernadette: You're kidding.
Dan: No, no. It's okay. It only really affected Wheelchair Kathy, and she's back in the hospital now, so it all worked out.
Bernadette: I feel so bad.
Penny: Well, then, maybe you shouldn't have named her Wheelchair Kathy.
Bernadette: Oh, my God. I thought everybody liked me, but I'm just a monster.
Dan: But a cute one, like that, uh, eyeball guy in Monsters, Inc.
Bernadette: No, I'm the worst. I'm a terrible person.
Dan: Come on, don't cry. It's okay.
Bernadette: It's not okay. How can I even work here anymore?
Penny: Because this company needs you.
Dan: It's fine. We don't mind paying for the coffee.
Bernadette: I can't let you do that.
Dan: Maybe we could get you an espresso machine for your office.
Bernadette: I guess that would be all right.
Penny: See? You don't have to be mean to get what you want.
Bernadette: You're right. Now where did we land on my bathroom?
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: How come you're up so late?
Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.
Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man's entire career, and all that's left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.
Sheldon: It's not the same thing. I don't think you know how I feel at all.
Leonard: Sad?
Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.
Leonard: Yeah. What did they say?
Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can't take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.
Leonard: Congratulations.
Sheldon: Let's celebrate.
Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn't for you.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I'm not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.
[ LeVar Burton's house ]
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?
LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here?
Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn't know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.
LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don't know why I didn't get a gate.
Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk about German flags. How do you feel about dressing up like a swastika? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x10 - The Champagne Reflection"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?
Raj: Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.
Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.
Penny: You know what? That was almost on topic. I'm gonna say good job, Sheldon.
Amy: Wait, She-Hulk's a lawyer?
Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.
Sheldon: Yes, but she's the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she's an affirmative action hire.
Raj: Anyway, Dad's gonna be here in town, so I won't be able to do Christmas dinner this year.
Amy: If you're not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I'm happy to do it. You can even bring your father.
Raj: That would be nice.
Amy: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.
Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.
Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-giving.
Bernadette: I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice.
Howard: I agree.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: Me, too.
Raj: You guys suck.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 11
The Clean Room Infiltration
Original Air Date on December 11, 2014
[ The University clean room ]
Leonard: You know the best part of working in the clean room? No allergies. Check it out. Oh, that, that, that's a lot of oxygen.
Howard: We should get going to Amy's.
Leonard: Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles? And here we are building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of badasses.
Howard: I know. If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty.
Leonard: Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag. Oh, no.
Howard: How the hell did a pigeon get in here?
Leonard: You shut the loading doors, right?
Howard: I thought you did.
Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is?
Howard: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it, and we just let in a flying crap machine?
Leonard: What do we do? Should we call someone?
Howard: And tell them that we compromised all the equipment? Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows.
Leonard: Okay, how do we catch it?
Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it'll come to it.
Leonard: It's not a moth.
Howard: Don't yell at me. You're not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.
Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like turn off the lights?
Howard: Great, we're turning on each other. That's just what the bird wants us to do.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight?
Dr Koothrappali: Twenty hours.
Penny: Oh, that's rough.
Dr Koothrappali: Not at all. Did you know that when you fly transcontinental without your wife, you don't pray for the plane to crash?
Raj: Can we please talk about anything else?
Dr Koothrappali: Forgive me. How are you and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, great. Everything's good.
Dr Koothrappali: I see you got engaged.
Penny: Yes, we did.
Dr Koothrappali: Let me tell you a story.
Raj: Dad.
Dr Koothrappali: Sorry. I'm sure you won't grow to hate each other.
Raj (on phone): Hey, Leonard. What's up? What? How did that happen? Yeah, okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Sorry. I have to run to the university.
Amy: What's going on?
Raj: There's been a problem with an experiment. A bird got into the clean room.
Dr Koothrappali: You want me to come?
Raj: Uh, no. You had a long flight. You stay here and relax.
Dr Koothrappali: Relax. Easy for you to say. Your mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. Forty years, the woman never cleaned a thing.
Penny: You're just gonna leave him here?
Dr Koothrappali: Relax, he says.
Raj: Yup. Bye.
[ Bernadette's car ]
Bernadette (singing): Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.
Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.
Bernadette (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why'd you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Maybe you'd like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let's talk about presents. What did you get Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, we're not exchanging gifts.
Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something.
Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don't like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.
Bernadette: She's just excited about the holidays.
Sheldon: Yes, and she's not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it's time I teach her a lesson.
Bernadette: How?
Sheldon: Hmm. It'd have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she's making me. Oh, I've got it. This is good.
Bernadette: What?
Sheldon: I'm going to buy her a present.
Bernadette: Yeah, you're gonna have to walk me through that.
Sheldon: With gift-giving, there's an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn't have one for me, she'll feel terrible.
Bernadette: Then you're both sad?
Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she'll feel so guilty, she'll never make me celebrate the holidays again.
Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right. So stay on my good side, or I'll get you a little something, too.
[ The clean room ]
Howard: Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna put the food in the bag, and when he lands in the bag to eat it, we close it up.
Leonard: A Slim Jim?
Howard: It's all I could find. It'll work.
Leonard: Sure. If the pigeon's stoned or a trucker.
Howard: Okay, well, what's your plan?
Leonard: I told you my plan. Let's call Building Services and get help.
Howard: And admit that we contaminated the clean room?
Leonard: No, admit that you contaminated the clean room.
Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me?
Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time, and then you try to cover it up.
Howard: Like when?
Leonard: What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali's dog, or almost drove off with that baby?
Howard: Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn't even cry until his mother punched me with her keys.
Leonard: Fine, put the Slim Jim in the garbage bag.
Howard: Well, what if you said it without sounding so condescending?
Leonard: I can try, but your plan has the words garbage bag and Slim Jim in it.
Raj: Hey, what's going on?
Leonard: Oh. Genius here wants to catch a bird with a garbage bag and a Slim Jim.
Raj: Should have put it in the bag first.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Penny: So, if you don't mind me asking, do you think you might start dating again?
Dr Koothrappali: It's much too soon for that. Why? Do you know someone?
Penny: No, but if things don't work out with me and Leonard, I'll give you a call. Wait. How much do you talk about Star Trek?
Amy: Okay, let's get this Victorian party started. I've done some research about some traditional parlour games we can play.
Penny: Like what?
Amy: Well, there's a fun one called Ball of Wool. You take a ball of wool, and you put it right in the centre of the table. Then people sit on opposite sides of the table and try to blow the wool off.
Penny: Sorry. She's taken, too.
[ The clean room ]
Howard: You know what I think your problem is? You're jealous because you and I used to be best friends until Koothrappali came along.
Leonard: And you found somebody you could push around?
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Stay out of this.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: You know, maybe I'm best friends with Raj because he doesn't think he's smarter than me.
Raj: Actually.
Howard: I said, stay out of it.
Leonard: No, no, no. No, Raj, go ahead, say what you were gonna say.
Raj: All I'm gonna say is you guys need to stop this right now. It. it's bad enough that my parents are fighting, now I have to hear the two of you? And who cares who's smarter? If it's Leonard or me or, you know, it's Christmas, let's say it's Howard.
Howard: Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out.
Raj: No, you're the one who let him in.
Howard: How do you know it wasn't Leonard?
Raj: Come on.
[ A shopping mall ]
Bernadette: What about that sweater?
Sheldon: No, it's not good enough. It has to be perfect.
Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.
Sheldon: Hmm. Let's see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer's her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.
Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.
Sheldon: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Amy: You won.
Penny: Certainly doesn't feel like it, does it?
Dr Koothrappali: You know, my wife used to throw theme parties like this all the time.
Penny: Oh, I guess that's where Raj gets it from.
Dr Koothrappali: Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working.
Penny: Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.
[ Santa's grotto ]
Santa: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.
Sheldon: There's an argument for that. But I want to make sure.
Photographer: Smile.
Santa: Ho, ho. ho.
[ The clean room ]
Leonard: Okay. On the count of three, I'll sh**t the f*re extinguisher and get him airborne. Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit. Raj, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out.
Howard: Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?
Leonard: Do you want the f*re extinguisher?
Howard: Yeah, I do.
Leonard: Great. Here you go.
Howard: Okay. One, two, three.
Raj: Uh, you have to take the pin out.
Leonard: You miss the blanket now, don't you?
Howard: On three. One, two, three.
Raj: What did you do?
Howard: It was an accident. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Leonard: Relax, it wasn't your fault.
Howard: Uh, maybe it's just stunned.
Raj: Dude, it's not breathing.
Howard: Oh, no. I k*lled it. Oh, not again.
Raj: What do you mean, not again?
Howard: When I was ten, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a blue jay. I mean, I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just caught on f*re. The worst part was it smelled delicious.
Leonard: Uh, guys, I found an article here that says you can do CPR on birds.
Howard: Great. Do it.
Leonard: I'm not doing it. You k*lled him, you do it.
Raj: I'll do it.
Howard: No. I need to do it. This is on me.
Leonard: Okay. Mouth over beak and light chest compressions.
Raj: Don't blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit.
Leonard: Anything?
Howard: I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim.
Leonard: Wait, wait, his wing moved.
Howard: Oh, he blinked his eyes. He's alive.
Raj: It's a Christmas miracle.
Howard: I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I'll take it. Come on, little guy, let's get you outside. Get the curtain.
Raj: Someone should really close that loading door.
[ The same, later ]
Raj: Well, that's that. The room's compromised. They'll have to change all the filters, probably shut it down for weeks.
Howard: You were right. Go ahead, call Building Services. Tell them it was my fault.
Leonard: No, we're both to blame. You know, let me take the heat on this one.
Raj: Yeah, just leave me out of it. You know if they come here and see crap everywhere, they're just gonna blame the Indian guy.
Leonard (on phone): Hey. I'm sorry, we're still here. Is everything okay?
Penny: It's kind of boring. Although it did get exciting for a minute when Amy inhaled a wool ball. How much longer do you think you'll be?
Leonard: I don't know. There's still a bird in here. We are gonna get in a ton of trouble.
Penny: Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Who even knows you're in there?
Leonard: No, our names are on the sign-in sheet.
Penny: So erase them and walk out.
Leonard: I can't do that.
Howard: Can't do what?
Leonard: She says take our names off the sign-in sheet and leave.
Howard: We can't do that.
Leonard: Yeah.
[ Leonard's car ]
Leonard, Howard and Raj (singing): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.
Sheldon: If you like raisins.
Amy: Thank you. And it's figs.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.
Bernadette: You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose.
Howard: It smelled too much like blue jay.
Dr Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up?
Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you're good.
Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts?
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn't bring any.
Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.
Amy: You got me something?
Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It's from the heart, it's holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.
Amy: Look at you on Santa's lap. That's so sweet.
Sheldon: Of course it is. It's the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?
Amy: No, I love it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let's never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.
Amy: Actually, I did get you something.
Sheldon: But what about our agreement?
Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.
Sheldon: Cookies?
Amy: They're your Meemaw's Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.
Sheldon: They're perfect. It tastes like her hugs.
Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I can't believe this. You're happy, I'm happy. Well, maybe a holiday that's all about giving isn't so… Get your hand out of that box.
[ Amy's apartment - later ]
Amy: Okay. The next game is called Hot Boiled Beans.
Penny: Of course it is.
Amy: One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it gets cold.
Raj: If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you're all crazy. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x11 - The Clean Room Infiltration"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: What color would you like to be?
Leonard: Well, I'd like to be green, but you know you always take it.
Sheldon: That's not true. Any color's fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.
Leonard: Blue and yellow make green.
Sheldon: Well, then it's settled.
Penny: Hi. Ready to go?
Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.
Amy: Sheldon, we said that we would play games with you tonight.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we'll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.
Penny: Sweetie, you really thought I'd want to do this?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Well, did you tell him that?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Did you say it out loud with words?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I don't want to spend the whole day playing a board game.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.
Amy: I will literally race you to the car.
Leonard: No, no, no, come on, don't leave. Just try it.
Penny: No. We're always doing what you guys want. Just once, it'd be nice if you did something we wanted.
Sheldon: You want to be green?
Leonard: You know, they really have tried to like a lot of the same stuff we're into.
Penny: Yeah, we do game nights and video game nights and we watch movies with director's commentary.
Amy: Oh, my favorite, George Lucas can talk all the way through Star Wars, I say one word and I'm banished to the kitchen.
Penny: Yeah, today Amy and I are deciding what we're all gonna do.
Leonard: You got it, you girls are in charge.
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Fine. Now that we're not playing, you can be green.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: And since you're green this time, I can be it next time.
Penny: All right, let's see. What's something fun the guys would never take us to do? Oh, I know, we could go horseback riding.
Amy: I actually can't. My hips don't open wider than 22 degrees. I rode a very thin pony once. On the first bump, just popped right off.
Penny: All right, well, what do you want to do?
Amy: There's a craft and folk art museum on Wilshire.
Penny: Well, that's Wilshire's problem. Come on, you know, there, there's got to be something fun we could do that the guys will hate.
Leonard: Hang on, why do we have to hate it?
Penny: Three words, Doctor Who convention.
Leonard: I did not force you to go to that.
Penny: You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn't get b*at up.
Leonard: I wasn't gonna get b*at up.
Penny: You were, but somehow I held myself back.
Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard's asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.
Leonard: Now you're helping them find ways to make us miserable?
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, Leonard, I'm a problem-solver, it's what I do.
Amy: I actually can't go ice-skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of your body that's normal? (chuckles)
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 12
The Space Probe Disintegration
Original Air Date on January 8, 2015
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Raj: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Howard: Will you please relax?
Raj: I can't take it, dude.
Bernadette: You okay?
Raj: No, I'm not okay. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin.
Bernadette: I told you not to wax down there. It's itchy when it grows back.
Raj: I'm worried about the New Horizons space probe.
Bernadette: What's he talking about?
Howard: Nine years ago he was part of a team that launched a spacecraft to collect data about Pluto, and it's finally close enough, so this morning it turned itself on.
Raj: We hope. The signal has to travel over three billion miles. So it's gonna be hours before we know if it even survived.
Howard: Now we get to see him flip out because he's worried it was demolished by space ice.
Raj: Space ice is no joke. I can't even watch Frozen anymore.
[ The apartment ]
Amy: Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown.
Sheldon: Before you say yes, it's not the movie about the big dog.
Penny: How come we can't think of something we both want to do?
Amy: Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.
Leonard: Ah, interesting, we're being accused of making you do things you don't like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.
Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.
Leonard: That's what I was doing.
Sheldon: Oh, that wasn't clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?
Penny: All right, keep thinking.
Sheldon: You're making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I'd hate that. Leonard?
Leonard: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Well, then, it's settled?
Amy: What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.
Penny: It does, somehow he managed to take all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: Well, once again, it's what I do.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Raj: Oh, another two hours to go. The wait is k*lling me.
Howard: I know. I get it. When I was in the Soyuz capsule returning from the space station, plummeting toward Earth at 17,000 miles per hour…
Raj: Before you finish, is this a story about patience and waiting or just another reminder that you went to space?
Howard: A story can do two things.
Raj: Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna have a heart att*ck.
Howard: You work in pharmaceuticals, don't you have anything you can give him?
Bernadette: All I have is our new urine flow drug. Won't help with his anxiety, but it's so strong, when he pees he'll fly around the room like he's got a jet pack.
Raj: I can't stop thinking about it.
Bernadette: You know, worrying won't have any effect on what happens.
Raj: I know.
Howard: Maybe you need to do something more productive.
Raj: Okay. If I make this sh*t in the trash can, the probe will have arrived in perfect working order.
Howard: So, in addition to being crazy, you're resting the fate of the mission on your athletic prowess.
Raj: Yes.
Howard: The man who crashed his stationary bike.
Raj: I didn't crash it, okay? My playlist was too up-tempo, I got light-headed and I fell off. Okay. It all comes down to this.
Howard: You happy? Now you can relax.
Raj: What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.
[ Clothes shop ]
Leonard: This isn't so bad.
Sheldon: That's easy for you to say. Your chair's not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that's a lot of panties.
Amy: You guys comfy? This might take a while.
Sheldon: I don't understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.
Penny: No, you're right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.
Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style.
Penny: Bye.
Leonard: Uh, I've got some bad news. There's no cell service in here.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that's all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.
Leonard: That's true.
Sheldon: I'll look them up. Son of a biscuit.
Leonard: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon: No, it's not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn't at least have Wi-Fi? I'm going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.
[ Clothes shop - later ]
Sheldon: Let's see, my armies are going to att*ck the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.
Leonard: Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win.
Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. I wonder how long we're gonna be stuck here.
Leonard: I don't know, but the girls do a lot for us. It's the least we can do.
Sheldon: Oh, that's true. I suppose it's only fair we make compromises.
Leonard: Look at you, being all mature.
Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. If there's one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it's how to compromise.
Leonard: I, I'm sorry? You make compromises for me?
Sheldon: All the time.
Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we're living?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should've, because everyone was laughing at you.
Leonard: That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.
Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.
Leonard: What? Then. then why don't you do it?
Sheldon: Uh, well, it's scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can't take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I'm practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.
[ Raj's car ]
Raj: Hey, uh, thanks for keeping me company.
Howard: I'm happy to. I think getting out of the apartment will do you good. So, where we headed?
Raj: If it's okay with you, I'd like to go to temple.
Howard: Buddy, trust me, you don't want to convert to Judaism. I mean, I know I make it look cool, but it's not all briskets and dreidels.
Raj: I meant a Hindu temple.
Howard: Oh. Okay. It's not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right? Some bald guy with horns isn't gonna rip my heart out.
Raj: Dude, that movie's an imperialist fantasy that makes the followers of a beautiful and peaceful religion look like a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians.
Howard: You love that movie.
Raj: Yeah, it's pretty great.
Howard: I'm surprised to see you suddenly get religious.
Raj: Why?
Howard: Well, because I've known you for ten years and you've never gone to temple, you never talked about believing in God, and last Diwali I watched you eat two pounds of sacred cow at a Brazilian steak house.
Raj: Religion is a very personal thing. I do go to temple, I just, I don't talk about it.
Howard: Yeah, but you're a scientist.
Raj: So?
Howard: So, as a scientist, you believe the way to understand the universe is through facts and evidence, and now you're counting on some blue chick with a hundred arms to help you?
Raj: That is so offensive. Does everything you know about Hinduism come from Indiana Jones?
Howard: No. There's also Apu from The Simpsons.
Raj: Well, lots of scientists believe in God. Okay? Newton, uh, Faraday, uh, Pascal, all were believers. Even Einstein was famous for attacking quantum theory on the grounds that God does not play dice with the universe.
Howard: Well, of course he believed in God. he slept with Marilyn Monroe.
Raj: Actually there's no proof of that.
Howard: You believe in your religion, I'll believe in mine.
[ Store changing rooms ]
Amy: How's it going in there?
Penny: Uh, not really a great outfit for work, unless something opens up in the hookers and whores division. Hey, can I ask you something?
Amy: Sure.
Penny: Do I really force you to do things you don't want to?
Amy: Yeah, but it's okay.
Penny: How is it okay?
Amy: I promised myself, if I ever got friends, I'd do whatever they said. Really, I'm lucky you found me before a cult did.
Penny: Well, you know, that was a long time ago. You're a different woman now. You're smart, you've got great friends, you've got a boyfriend, you're pretty, you have zero fashion sense, but, anyway, tonight we're gonna do whatever you want.
Amy: Really?
Penny: Absolutely. You name it, we're doing it.
Amy: Basket weaving at the craft museum.
Penny: Well, you named it.
[ The store ]
Sheldon: Oh, here's another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don't put it there because I don't want you breaking one of your little legs when you're supposed to be making my breakfast.
Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make?
Sheldon: I wasn't done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.
Leonard: Because of you, I'm not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I'm not allowed to whistle. I don't wear shoes that might squeak.
Sheldon: Well, you're a physicist, not a circus clown.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize I don't live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.
Sheldon: Is that true?
Leonard: Yes, it's true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.
Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.
Leonard: You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It's exhausting.
Sheldon: You know what? You think you're so tolerant, but the truth is you're mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don't notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.
Leonard: Sheldon, I, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I've been holding a lot of this in for a while.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.
Leonard: Do you mean that?
Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.
Leonard: Come on, don't get upset.
Sheldon: I'm not upset. I'm just imagining a world without my best friend in it.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It's okay.
Leonard: I'm not leaving your world. I'm just talking about living across the hall.
Sheldon: I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I'm aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.
Leonard: Buddy.
Penny: How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears?
Leonard: Everything's fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.
Amy: Are you crazy? You know he's a flight risk.
Sheldon: That's exactly what I told him.
Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard's not gonna move out until you're ready.
Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?
Leonard: All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?
Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: When I'm not home.
Leonard: You got it.
Sheldon: There we go, compromising again. We really are the best.
[ Temple car park ]
Howard: Here we go, my first Hindu temple.
Raj: You see behind the fountain, that tower that looks like a pyramid? It's called a Sikhara. It symbolizes the, the connection between the human and the divine.
Howard: Huh. I always thought it was mini golf.
Raj: All right. Shall we?
Howard: Yeah. Just, uh, is there anything I should know before I go in?
Raj: Like what?
Howard: Like am I dressed okay?
Raj: Really? So every other place you've been, you thought this was fine?
Howard: I know you're under a lot of pressure, so I'm gonna let that pass.
Raj: Sorry. You're right. I'm so stressed. But you know what, whenever I walk into that temple I realize that whatever happens, it's okay. We're all part of an immense pattern, and though we can't understand it, we can be happy to know that it's, it's working its will through us.
Howard: That's nice.
Raj: Whether you call it God or the universe or the self, we're all interconnected, and that's just a beautiful… Son of a bitch, that guy just dinged my car. S, seriously? You were just gonna drive away? Like my life isn't hard enough right now. A space probe might be destroyed, my parents are going through an awful divorce, the guy who cuts my dog's hair just gave her bangs.
Howard: Raj.
Raj: You saw her. She looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber.
Howard: Raj, you just got a text. The probe turned on. It's fine.
Raj: Oh, good. Namaste, Grandpa.
[ Craft museum ]
Leonard: I thought this was gonna be boring, but it's actually kind of fun.
Penny: Don't tell Amy that. We'll be here every Sunday.
Amy: Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket.
Sheldon: It's not a basket. It's a soldier's helmet from 16th century China.
Amy: Very nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it looks great.
Sheldon: I saw that.
[ Penny's bedroom ]
Leonard: Well, roomie, it's only one night a week, but it's a start.
Penny: I know. I'm really proud of Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm proud of him, too.
Sheldon (in Penny's living room): Can you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep out here. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x12 - The Space Probe Disintegration"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Okay, we're headed out, see you later.
Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: Okay. Go ahead.
Leonard: Hello, can you hear me? Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette's nickname for you is the virgin piña colada.
Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard: Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her... and that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon: Aw, now I'm sad I didn't hear it.
Penny: So what do you need the headphones for?
Sheldon: Well, I've been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn't make protons decay. I'm hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I've got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.
Penny: Is that why you had to take him to Office Depot last night?
Leonard: I don't want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.
Penny: Yeah, have fun.
Sheldon: Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.
Penny: And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.
Leonard: Hey, we're home. Any progress?
Sheldon: How could there be, with these constant interruptions?
Penny: I love him, but if he's broken, let's not get a new one.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 13
The Anxiety Optimisation
Original Air Date on January 29, 2015
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: What are you doing? It's time to go.
Sheldon: I'm not going to work today. And would you like to know why?
Leonard: Ah, you're upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn't make a breakthrough, and now you're worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you're gonna sit around and sulk all day?
Sheldon: Like a big old baby.
Leonard: Call me if you need anything.
(Sheldon sighs, door closes)
Sheldon: I've been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air. (inhales, exhales)
Penny (O.C.): Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knocks) Penny?
Penny (O.C.): Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knocks) Penny?
Penny (O.C.): Ugh!
Sheldon: (Knocks) Penny?
Penny: Ugh, what?
Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a m*rder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.
Penny: Oh, I'm just doing this awful workout. I hate it.
Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.
Penny: I don't know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.
Sheldon: And to clarify?
Penny: The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?
Sheldon: I'm not going. Would you like to know why?
Penny: Uh, you're sad about not getting anything done last night, so you're gonna sit around and pout about it?
Sheldon: Boy, I'm not nearly as mysterious as I think I am.
[ The cafeteria ]
Howard: I invented a game. You want to play?
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: It's called "Emily or Cinnamon". I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.
Raj: Go ahead, make fun. You can't embarrass me, I've got a beautiful girlfriend and a dog who loves me so much she drinks my bathwater.
Howard: Okay, who was he talking to, Emily or Cinnamon? "I want you to know, the bed feels so lonely when you're not in it."
Raj: I may not be liking this game so much.
Leonard: Cinnamon. Give me another one.
Howard: Okay, Emily or Cinnamon? "Check it out, I got us matching sweaters!"
Leonard: We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon.
Raj: You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It's not strange.
Leonard: Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.
Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she's trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I've created too pleasant of an environment for myself.
Howard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I'd like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. (stammers) Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.
Howard: Hold on. What's in it for us?
Sheldon: Well, I suppose...
Howard: Okay, we'll do it.
[ Amy's laboratory ]
Sheldon: Done.
Amy: 33 seconds. Okay, that'll be our baseline.
Sheldon: You know, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.
Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.
Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You're a monster.
Amy: All right, next, we're gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.
Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I'm a pretty laid-back guy.
Amy: Ready? Begin. (squeezes balloon) Why'd you pop it?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I was aiming for your heart.
Amy: Look, I know you don't like it, but that's the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.
Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?
Amy: My mother said that's how good girls do it.
Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.
Amy: Sheldon, you're a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I'm sure you'll find the breakthrough you've been looking for.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?
Sheldon: "Only do solid research"? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be...
Amy: Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that's fantastic. Now, wait, they're dropping. Why are they dropping?
Amy: Because you're happy they're elevated.
Sheldon: Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: All right, guys, what game do you want to play?
Howard: Let's see. How about "Emily or Cinnamon"?
Raj: You know what? I think it's a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you're jealous of all my relationships.
Howard: Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn't want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words, "you're so lucky, you have the shiniest hair".
Leonard: That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I'd like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.
Leonard: So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: And you think that's going to help?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Well, I don't think that's gonna help at all.
Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I'll become more focused.
Leonard: Howard's right, that'll never work.
Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It's scientifically valid. I'm going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.
Raj: I don't think that's what you want at all.
Sheldon: Why, of course it's what I want. Why would I say it's what I want if it's not what I want?
Leonard: Because it is what you want, and it's not what you said.
Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can't even do it.
Howard: Yes, we can.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.
Howard: Nah.
Sheldon: You guys are the worst. Thank you, I think that was helpful.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
Amy: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven't seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector.
Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
Penny: Really? Want to go to Hawaii?
Sheldon: (knocking on door) Ladies? (Knocks) Ladies? (Knocks) Ladies?
Penny: Come in.
Sheldon: Ladies.
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I've been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?
Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men's buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.
Bernadette: We were talking about Penny's job.
Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she's bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.
Penny: Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.
Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?
Penny: Let's just talk about our periods.
Amy: No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn't a werewolf have the same abilities?
Bernadette: Well, they're not a hundred percent wolf. They're a werewolf, that's only part wolf. It's like comparing apples to oranges.
Sheldon: Thank you. Oh, and technically, it's apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren't all PMS'ing. Bye.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: What is going on?
Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.
Leonard: Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I'm trying to sleep. Good night.
Sheldon: Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Amy: You've been working so much lately, I'm glad you didn't forget about date night.
Sheldon: Of course.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Amy: Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me.
Sheldon: (stammers) I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.
Amy: Fine. How was your day?
Sheldon: Oh, you said it.
Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon, I'm worried about you. You're not eating, you haven't slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.
Sheldon: I know. It's replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Okay, so it's one vote Emily, one vote Cinnamon. Penny, you're the tiebreaker.
Penny: Say the quote again.
Howard: "It's just so perfect that we're both Libras."
Penny: Wow, this is hard. I'm gonna say Cinnamon.
Howard: Yes.
Penny: Yes.
Raj: Come on.
Howard: That was the last one, I promise. We won't play any more.
Raj: Thank you. 'Cause if she ever found out, it would hurt her feelings.
Bernadette: Emily's feelings?
Raj: Yes, Emily. Whatever. Where's Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard: That can't be much fun for Amy. You know, at work today, he tried his first Red Bull.
Bernadette: What happened?
Leonard: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while and then threw up in my car.
Bernadette: Don't you think you should make him stop all this?
Howard: I don't know, he's not really hurting anybody.
Leonard: You didn't have to scoop vomit out of your glove compartment.
Sheldon: He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.
Raj: Wow, if he cracks that it's a game changer, guys. It'll completely redefine our understanding of the physical universe.
Howard: Hmm, it would. Okay, back to "Emily or Cinnamon"? "How can such a little girl eat such a big steak"?
[ Amy's apartment ]
Amy: Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off.
Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that'd really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.
Amy: I'm sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.
Sheldon: There you go, perfect.
Amy: Sheldon, stop it, I'm not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.
Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I'm finally making progress.
Amy: You don't need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.
Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.
Amy: That's not true.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I have been hallucinating lately.
Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.
Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?
Amy: Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety.
Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I'm not taking the cap off.
Amy: It's one thing to make yourself miserable, but you're making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I'm telling you for the last time, take the cap off.
Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don't? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?
[ A bus ]
Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I've done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.
Man: Yeah, well, women, what are you gonna do?
Sheldon: I knew you'd understand, Armadillo Isaac Newton.
[ Sheldon's bedroom ]
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Here we are.
Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn't in here.
Leonard: You lie down, he'll be here in a minute.
Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.
Penny: Now, you just get comfortable.
Sheldon: No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what's comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman's face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it's poster time.
Leonard: Maybe in the morning.
Penny: Yeah, you get some sleep.
Sheldon: No, I don't want to go to sleep, you can't make me.
Penny: You're right, we can't.
Sheldon: Yeah, darn straight, you can't. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.
Penny: ♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪
Leonard: ♪ Little ball of fur... ♪
Sheldon: That's not gonna work.
Penny (singing): ♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty ♪
Together (singing): ♪ Purr, purr, purr. ♪
Leonard: You know, he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him lying here asleep like this, I just think how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face.
Penny: Mmmm.
[ The cafeteria ]
Howard: You look like you got some rest.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm feeling much better. And I've also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.
Leonard: I turned on the heat in my car and some vomit came out, so my levels, right up there.
Raj: Hey, guys. Mind if Emily joins us for lunch?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Howard: Yeah, no problem.
Sheldon: Of course not.
Emily: So I hear you guys have been playing a little game.
Howard: Well, um, we were just kidding around.
Emily: Well, you may think it's funny that Raj is sweet and sensitive, but I think it's sexy. Ugh, why is there dog hair in your mouth? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x13 - The Anxiety Optimization"} | foreverdreaming |
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: So, tell me about your day, how's it going with the particle detector?
Leonard: Wow, you remember that?
Penny: Yeah, I listen to what you say. You're building a particle detector using superfluid helium.
Leonard: You know, when you talk like that, I want to take you right here on this table.
Penny: And you know from past experience this table cannot support both our weight. So, how's the detector going?
Leonard: Well, it's tricky working with superfluids. Whatever container you put them in, they kind of creep up the sides and crawl out all on their own.
Penny: Kind of like Sheldon's ant farm.
Leonard: Exactly, except you don't have a lunatic running around, yelling, I fed you sugar water, why are you biting me? Come on, this is boring, you really want to talk about this?
Penny: No, I do. I-I didn't write "superfluid helium" on this napkin for nothing.
Leonard: Okay, well, this is cool. Uh, there's a thing called "superfluid vacuum theory", where empty space is imagined as a superfluid with all of its qualities, viscosity, density, surface tension...
Penny: Hey, if you're pausing for dramatic effect, I'd keep it moving.
Leonard: No, no. People don't talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble... This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Leonard: I know this isn't my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?
Sheldon: Well, (sighs) (stammers) you could have set Newton's gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can't stand these scented markers.
Leonard: No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?
Sheldon: It's good.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I like it. I think you're on to something.
Leonard: You do? You're not messing with me?
Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.
Leonard: You're giving me a sticker?
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.
Leonard: I'm not a preschooler.
Sheldon: (stammers) Fine, I'll take it back.
Leonard: I earned this. Back off.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 14
The Troll Manifestation
Original Air Date on February 5, 2015
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: You're still awake?
Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, "you're still awake" seems like quite the h*m* slump.
Leonard: You worked out all the math.
Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?
Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.
Leonard: This is good. Our idea is really good.
Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.
Leonard: You know, if no one's thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.
Sheldon: Only way we'll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn't gonna do it without you.
Leonard: Wow, it's all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it?
Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.
Leonard: You're sure it's good?
Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say "directed by Joss Whedon".
Leonard: Okay, partner, let's do it.
Sheldon: Come on. Click the mouse with me.
Leonard: One, two three.
Together: Click.
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.
Leonard: Is your tongue blue?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Bernadette: Okay, movie night, what do you want to watch?
Amy: Whatever happened to that ape movie you were in?
Penny: Oh, God. Probably nothing. I think I saw the director twirling a sign outside the Verizon store.
Bernadette: Search for it.
Penny: What, no, why?
Bernadette: 'Cause it would be fun to watch.
Penny: It would be humiliating.
Bernadette: Well, now we have two reasons.
Amy: They have it.
Bernadette: Please, can we watch it?
Amy: (sighs) Please?
Penny: Fine, but I'm telling you, it's terrible.
Amy: Have you even seen it?
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Well, maybe it turned out better than you think.
(bike bell rings on TV)
Voice on TV: Bananas, get your fresh bananas.
Bernadette: (laughing) It really didn't.
[ Leonard's laboratory ]
Leonard: Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.
Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then we're probably okay.
Howard: Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog.
Leonard: (gasps) Really? What'd they say?
Howard: Uh, it's basically a summary of the theory, but there's a bunch of positive comments on the message board.
Leonard: Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We're insightful and innovative.
Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.
Leonard: Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says, "The concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking". Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?
Sheldon: I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.
Howard: How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?
Raj: Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.
Sheldon: Read another one.
Leonard: Okay, okay. Uh, "The analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish."
Sheldon: Who wrote that?
Leonard: It's anonymous, and user name "General Relativity".
Sheldon: Well, I'm responding to it.
Leonard: Uh, don't lower yourself to their level.
Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.
Leonard: Sheldon, my name's on that paper, too. There's no upside to doing this.
Sheldon: He just left another comment.
Raj: What does it say?
Leonard: "Upon review, I've changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it's inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter."
Sheldon: Can I respond now?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm about to show this guy just how horny I can be.
Leonard: Somebody else do it.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny (on TV): Doctor, please help me. I think I might be turning into a k*ller gorilla.
Doctor: Why do you think you're turning into a k*ller gorilla and not just a regular gorilla?
Penny (on TV): Because regular gorillas are vegetarians, and I just bit the fingers off your receptionist.
(Penny screeching like an ape; chaotic clattering)
Penny: Okay, we've seen plenty.
Bernadette: No, give me the remote.
Amy: Careful. She'll bite your fingers off.
Penny: Okay, well, I've been poking around the internet, and I think I found something we'll enjoy watching even more.
Amy: What is it?
Penny: Oh, just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.
Amy: What?
Bernadette: Okay, I learned my lesson. Making fun of people is wrong.
Amy: I haven't learned my lesson. Play it. Play it.
Bernadette (on screen): Hi. I'm Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski from Yorba Linda, California.
Penny: You look like a talking cupcake.
Bernadette (on screen): And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to... ♪ tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999! ♪
Amy: Play it again. Play it again.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: Did he respond yet?
Sheldon: Hmm. No, not yet.
Leonard: Well, maybe we shouldn't have sunk to his level.
Howard: It wasn't that bad.
Leonard: Read it back one more time.
Sheldon: (clears throat) "My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother."
Leonard: And you don't think that's too rough?
Sheldon: We're just standing behind her. It's not like we're gonna say boo and scare her.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: How could you not tell us you were in beauty pageants?
Bernadette: 'Cause it's embarrassing.
Penny: (laughing) It is; it truly is.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, Amy writes Little House on the Prairie fan fiction about herself and posts it on the Internet.
Penny: No.
Amy: Why? What did I do?
Bernadette: Sorry, I had to get the spotlight off me, and tearing down other women is part of my pageant training.
Penny: Okay. We are reading that right now.
Amy: No, please don't.
Bernadette: We got embarrassed tonight. Come on.
Amy: But it's personal.
Penny: Why? Is it about you and Sheldon?
Amy: (chuckles) No.
Penny: Oh, my God, it's about her and Sheldon.
Amy: It's not about me and Sheldon. It's about a young woman in the 1800s named Amelia, and the time-traveling physicist named Cooper she falls in love with.
Penny: Please show us?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: No.
Penny: You know I'm gonna read it either way.
Amy: (scoffs) Good luck finding it.
Penny: Amelia and the time-trav... found it! (chuckles) It was just past dawn on the prairie, and like every morning, Amelia prepared to do her chores. Except something about this morning felt different.
Bernadette: Why? Why did it feel different?
Penny: "Maybe it was the first whisper of winter in the air, or maybe it was the unconscious handsome man with porcelain skin and curious clothing she was about to discover lying in the field. A man who would open her mind to new possibilities and her body to new feelings."
(Penny and Bernadette squealing)
Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I'm starting to miss that.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: He still hasn't responded. What's taking him so long?
Leonard: Do you really want him to write back?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying, "Oh, really?"
Leonard: Me-wow.
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I've, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper.
Howard: "This wee li'l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off."
Raj: No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. (Scottish accent) "This wee li'l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off."
Sheldon: (gasps) He wrote back. "Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers." (gasps) "Engineers"? Do you know how insulting that is?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Guys, this person's just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.
Sheldon: Yeah, but it's still so aggravating.
Raj: Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those.
Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said, (Russian accent) "Dis paper great, I love it more than wodka".
Raj: See? Better with the accent.
Sheldon: And send.
Leonard: What did you write?
Sheldon: I'm done hiding from bullies. I'm taking this into the real world.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Sheldon: I told him we'll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere.
Leonard: Are you crazy? You don't know who this person is. Delete that.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (electronic tones play) (gasps) It's him. He's trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken this into the real world.
Leonard: Oh, really?
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: "'Time travel? I don't understand,' said Amelia. Cooper stared at her. 'Which word don't you understand, time or travel?'"
Bernadette: Wow, even in your fantasies Sheldon's kind of exhausting.
Amy: He's like that in the beginning, so she can change him. It's called good writing. And wishful thinking.
Penny: "It stung Amelia when he spoke to her this way. In her little one-room schoolhouse, she was always the smartest student, regularly besting the boys in her class, but this was no boy in front of her, this was a man."
Bernadette: Here we go.
Penny: "Cooper told Amelia about all the strange and incredible things the future would hold, like computers and living past 30. He asked her if she had any questions. All she longed to ask was if his heart was beating as fast as hers, but she was too afraid to hear the answer."
Bernadette: Oh, Amelia.
Penny: "So instead she asked if, in the future, Montana ever became a state."
Amy: In the 1800s that was considered flirting.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: I'm so sick of people being mean on the Internet.
Howard: Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they'd never say to your face.
Sheldon: Interesting. I can't think of a single thing I wouldn't say to someone's face.
Leonard: Never noticed that about you.
Raj: You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people's work.
Sheldon: He's right. I say we call this person back. We've got no reason to hide.
Leonard: All right, do it. Call him. Let's find out what this loser's ever accomplished.
Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.
(line ringing)
Stephen Hawking: Well, hello there.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces.
Leonard: You really didn't like our paper?
Stephen Hawking: I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Then why are you attacking us?
Stephen Hawking: If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you'd get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.
Leonard: Stephen Hawking liked our paper. (chuckles softly) Said the premise is intriguing.
Sheldon: Good to see you again, Mr. Stephen-Hawking Liked-Our-Paper.
Leonard: And you as well, Mr. Our-Premise-Is-Intriguing.
Howard: How do you do, Mr. I'll-Admit-That's-Pretty-Cool?
Raj: Yeah, you keep setting me up for failure.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: "With a heavy heart, Amelia stood before the newly repaired time machine. She regretted giving Cooper the part he needed."
Bernadette: Because she wanted him to give her the part she needed.
Amy: Okay, that's enough.
Penny: What? No, I really want to know what happens, and Bernadette really, really, really wants to know what happens.
Amy: You're just making fun of me.
Bernadette: I was just kidding. I'm sorry. And the story's really good.
Penny: No, it is. Does he stay? Do they kiss? Does she find out about Montana?
Bernadette: Please?
Amy: Fine. "As Cooper prepared to depart, tears filled Amelia's eyes. He took her hand in his and said, 'I can't stay, but I will never forget you.' He brushed his fingers against her cheek, then quickly stepped into the machine. 'Please don't go,' she whispered. But it was too late. The engine hummed to life."
Bernadette: But they didn't even kiss.
Amy: "She turned away, wiping her eyes. She couldn't bear to watch her one chance at true love disappear forever. Then she felt a strong hand on her shoulder spin her around. It was Cooper."
Penny: (gasps) Yes.
Amy: "'What about the future?' asked Amelia. He looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, 'There is no future without you.' He pulled her in close. She began to tremble all over. She felt his warm breath..."
Leonard: You will not believe what Stephen Hawking just said.
Penny: Get out!
Bernadette: Not now!
[ An 1800's house ]
Amelia: Is the water warm enough?
Cooper: Given the fact that you took the time to build a wood f*re, draw the water from the well and heat it, it would be rude to complain. But since you asked, it's a little nippy.
Amelia: I can fix that. I couldn't help but notice your unusual undergarments.
Cooper: They're not undergarments. They're Underoos. Where I come from, they're known as underwear that's fun to wear.
Amelia: And what's the significance of the spider?
Cooper: Oh, that represents Spider-Man. He does whatever a spider can.
Amelia: There's a lot of rhyming in the future, isn't there?
Leonard: You're right. This is even weirder than I thought.
Penny: You want me to stop reading?
Leonard: Are you kidding? No, no.
Penny: "As he stood for Amelia to dry him..."
Amelia: So, tell me, Cooper, are the ways of physical love different in the future?
Leonard: Yeah, okay, I'm good. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x14 - The Troll Manifestation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ Amy's laboratory ]
Sheldon: I've invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amy: How many?
Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.
Amy: Is that really true?
Sheldon: Of course, that's how you know it's a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.
Barry: Hey, sowwy to intewupt.
Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Barry: Did you know Edison didn't actuawy invent the wight bulb?
Sheldon: What do you want, Barry?
Barry: Just wanted to dwop this off as a wittle thank you for Amy.
Amy: What's this for?
Barry: Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper's onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.
Amy: Well, that's fascinating. I can't wait to read it.
Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.
Barry: Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs.
Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?
Amy: Well, I'd been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it's not a big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and h*t a d*ad end, why didn't you try to help me?
Amy: I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.
Sheldon: That's pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn't mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.
Amy: Sheldon, we're all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You're being petty.
Sheldon: I'm being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 15
The Comic Book Store Regeneration
Original Air Date on February 19, 2015
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Howard (on phone): Okay, Ma. Say hi to Aunt Gladys. Yeah, I love you, too. Bye.
Bernadette: Your mom having fun in Florida?
Howard: Mmm, she loves it. She finally found a place where everyone talks about how sweaty they are. Anyway, she wants us to go to the house and check in on Stuart because he might be lonely.
Bernadette: She's just being nice.
Howard: Well, I'm her son, how come she doesn't send someone to check on me if I'm lonely?
Bernadette: Because you have a wife.
Howard: Yeah, well, sometimes you work late.
Bernadette: I know you don't like Stuart being in the house, but the store's about to reopen, I'm sure he'll get back on his feet.
Howard: That would be great. I'd love for things between me and Mom to get back to normal.
Bernadette: Well, normal's a strong word, but sure.
[ The laundry room ]
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: You okay?
Sheldon: If I was okay, I would've said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.
Penny: What's going on?
Sheldon: I'm mad at Amy.
Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too?
Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.
Penny: Oh, that sounds like a good thing.
Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a d*ad end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I'm sorry you had to see that.
Penny: I'm sorry I didn't have a camera.
Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?
Penny: Well, I'm sure she didn't upset you on purpose. Besides, aren't you the one who says there's nothing more important than the advancement of science?
Sheldon: No, I said there's nothing more important than me advancing science.
Penny: All right, well, if I'm understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I'm thinking you might have to let this one go.
Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it's my fault, and it's not okay to feel the way I feel.
Penny: I don't know what to tell you. I mean, why don't you talk to her?
Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life's giving me lemons. What should I do?
Penny: Well, you could shove them somewhere.
Sheldon: Okay, now you're getting creative.
[ The comic book store ]
Stuart: Thanks again for your help.
Leonard: No problem.
Raj: Our pleasure.
Leonard: The place really looks great.
Raj: Yeah, you should have b*rned it down years ago.
Stuart: I keep telling you I didn't burn it down.
Leonard: We know, we know, because burning something down for the insurance money is a crime.
Bernadette: Stuart, this place looks amazing.
Stuart: Thanks.
Howard: You really did a nice job.
Stuart: And thank you for putting up with me staying at your mom's through all this. I couldn't have done it otherwise.
Howard: I appreciate that, and I'm glad you were able to... is that my mother's furniture?
Stuart: Yeah, she said I could use it. Doesn't it look great?
Howard: Not as great as it looks in the den where it belongs.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Why don't you just clean out the whole room? Take the string art clown I made her in third grade and the ribbon I got in swim class for putting my face in the water.
Stuart: What is your problem? She said it was okay.
Howard: Well, I'm her son, and I say it's not okay.
Stuart: Some son, looks like you spent ten minutes on that clown art.
Howard: Well, maybe I should've gone to a fancy art school like you. Then I could run a failed comic shop and mooch off some guy's mother.
Bernadette: Why don't we leave so you can cool off?
Stuart: I think that's a good idea. Take him out of my store.
Howard: Your store? My mother gave you the money to reopen. I'm not going anywhere.
Leonard: Why don't we go get the food for the party.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Smart, looks like we're being helpful.
Leonard: Mmm, when really we're just exiting an uncomfortable situation.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I'm so... Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?
Penny: I don't know, just think about something else.
Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn't help at all.
Penny: You know, some people try visualization.
Sheldon: How does that work?
Penny: Okay, imagine your problems are a pen.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Now imagine you're holding that pen.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Now open your hand and let it go.
Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It's got my initials on it and everything. Look.
Penny: Sheldon, this isn't that hard.
Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.
Penny: How?
Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?
Penny: What? She didn't give me any puzzles.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Amy (in flashback): Boy, I just can't seem to get these scissors back together. Can you do it?
Amy (in flashback): Darn it. There's something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help?
Amy (in flashback): Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it's stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.
Penny: Son of a bitch.
Sheldon: Okay, that's great. Now, let it go.
Penny: I can't believe you were testing me against a chimp.
Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.
Penny: Why would she even do this?
Sheldon: She's been conducting an experiment on apes where they're given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn't be able to solve them. That's when Amy said, want to make this interesting?
Penny: Make this interesting? You bet money on me?
Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn't that interesting?
Penny: It's not interesting. It's incredibly insulting.
Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you're holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that'll make the next part really hard.
Penny: Oh, my, that's it. Get out.
Sheldon: I don't understand why you're mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.
Penny: Get out.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I think I left my pen in there.
[ The comic book store ]
Bernadette: I understand why you're upset, but he worked really hard to get the store ready. And it's just furniture.
Howard: It's my mom's furniture. It belongs in the house I grew up in, next to that pile of TV Guides and in plain view of what, for a ten-year-old, was a quality piece of string art.
Bernadette: Howie, if the store succeeds, Stuart has a source of income, and he can move out of your mother's house. Seems like some old furniture is a reasonable price to pay for that.
Howard: That is a good point. But I didn't marry you for good points. I married you to blindly support me no matter how ridiculous I'm being.
Bernadette: This is why I had to rewrite our wedding vows.
[ A deli ]
Leonard: Hi, we're here to pick up an order for Comic Center.
Waitress: Sure, let me go check on that.
Raj: Dude, I, I think that's Nathan Fillion.
Leonard: Oh yeah, look at that.
Raj: And he's picking the tomatoes out of his salad just like I do. I always did feel a connection with him. Oh, I have got an idea.
Leonard: We're not selling his tomatoes on eBay.
Raj: No, if we got Captain Reynolds from Firefly to do a signing at Stuart's store, that would be amazing.
Leonard: That would be great.
Raj: So should we go talk to him?
Leonard: I don't know. I mean, if he's not nice, it's gonna make it hard for me to watch him in anything again.
Raj: What? The, the guy who plays Jon Snow was a jerk. We still watch Game of Thrones.
Leonard: He was a jerk because you rear-ended him.
Raj: I was distracted. It's weird seeing a member of the Night's Watch with a kayak strapped to his car. Come on. Hi, excuse me, s, sorry, I, I don't mean to bother you, but we're just really big fans of Firefly. And Dr. Horrible.
Nathan Fillion: Oh, uh, I think you made a mistake. I'm not an actor.
Raj: Don't say that. I mean, you're not Dame Judi Dench, but you're pretty great.
Nathan Fillion: Oh, yeah, I get it, you think I'm Nathan Fillion, but I'm not. So if you don't mind, I would just love to eat my lunch.
Leonard: Come on. Sorry to bother you.
Raj: Don't know why he's so grumpy. I got mistaken for that guy in Life of Pi once, and I'm still floating.
[ The hallway ]
Amy: Sheldon, it's me.
Penny: Oh, hey. Did you see that? I, I figured out how to open the door all by myself. Maybe I'll fling some faeces around my cage to celebrate.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Penny: I know you've been giving me secret puzzle tests.
Amy: Sheldon, open the door.
Sheldon: I can't. I'm naked.
Amy: I just saw you.
Sheldon: Hang on.
Penny: Open the door now.
Amy: Oh, hey.
Penny: Pull up your pants.
Amy: It's not a big deal. I run tests like this on undergrads all the time. If you fill out some paperwork at the university, I can get you five dollars.
Penny: I don't want five dollars. I want my dignity.
Amy: So what are we talking, like, ten bucks?
[ The deli ]
Leonard: Thank you.
Raj: Thanks.
Leonard: Sorry again.
Nathan Fillion: No problem.
Raj: Are you sure you're not him? Uh, you can tell us. We're scientists, not crazy fanboys.
Nathan Fillion: All right, fine. I'm him.
Raj: And you're eating alone at a deli. I don't buy it, you're not him.
Nathan Fillion: I just wanted to eat my lunch in peace. But I really am him. And thank you very much for being a fan. If you want, uh, let's take a picture.
Leonard: That would be great.
Raj: Great.
Leonard: Yeah, thank you.
Nathan Fillion: You bet.
Raj: Wait, hang on. If you're really Nathan Fillion, what's the line from Firefly about your bonnet?
Nathan Fillion: I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
Leonard: That's it, that's the line.
Raj: Although, I knew the line, doesn't make me Nathan Fillion.
Nathan Fillion: Do you want the picture or not?
Raj: I want a picture with Nathan Fillion.
Nathan: How about a picture with a guy who looks like Nathan Fillion but a little more annoyed than Nathan Fillion usually is?
Leonard: What do you think?
Raj: Ah, it's good enough for Facebook.
[ The comic book store ]
Leonard: I can't believe they did that.
Penny: I know, it's so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box.
Leonard: Wait, Sheldon gave me a banana in a box. He was testing me, too.
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.
Penny: Really? You couldn't get it out?
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Wow, the store looks great.
Leonard: So you guys were testing us both? What is the matter with you?
Penny: Eh, what's the matter with them is they think they're so smart they don't care if they hurt other people's feelings.
Amy: That's not true.
Sheldon: That sounds like us. I still don't understand why you're upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.
Amy: Well, except Barnabas, but he was on Adderall.
Howard: I'm sorry, but it's making me crazy.
Bernadette: Can you please just let it go?
Sheldon: Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you're holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.
Howard: Hold that thought. (On phone) Hello?
Amy: How can I make this up to you?
Penny: The answer's in this puzzle box. Let's see if you can open it.
Stuart: You could have at least warned him about the furniture.
Raj: That's what I said when we moved it.
Bernadette: You helped him?
Raj: No, Stuart picked out those throw pillows all on his own.
Leonard: Hey, you okay?
Howard: No.
Leonard: What's wrong?
Howard: My mom died.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: Uh, that was my aunt. Ma took a nap. She never woke up.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howie.
Leonard: I'm so sorry.
Raj: What can we do?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: May I say something?
Leonard: Not right now, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I think it would be comforting.
Leonard: Buddy.
Howard: No, it's okay. What?
Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.
Penny: I really thought he was gonna say let it go.
[ The apartment ]
Raj (on phone): Okay, thanks, Bernadette. Travel safe. Okay, bye. Well, they've booked a flight. They're heading to the airport now.
Penny: How's Howard holding up?
Raj: He's hanging in there.
Leonard: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart: Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don't take this away from me.
Sheldon: I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.
Leonard: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon: It won't be as good.
Leonard: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x15 - The Comic Book Store Regeneration"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Amy: I just read about an experiment designed to see if you could make two people fall in love in a matter of hours.
Leonard: That doesn't sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging.
Penny: Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story.
Raj: Yeah, I-I... I saw that article you're talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.
Amy: And then they finish it off by staring into each other's eyes for four minutes.
Sheldon: Oh, that's nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.
Amy: Other than the fact that I had it, that was a magical night.
Penny: Raj, would you ever try an experiment like that with Emily?
Raj: What? I don't need science to win her heart. I have my family's wealth for that.
Leonard: I'm telling you, you can't create love in a few hours. Right?
Penny: Oh, careful. You're poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.
Sheldon: Yeah, but we don't have to debate this. We're scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and...
Amy: No.
Sheldon: You didn't even let me finish.
Amy: Forget it.
Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two c*ptive human beings, suddenly I'm the monster.
Raj: Why don't you just do the test?
Sheldon: In the interest of science, I'd be willing to.
Penny: What? You're okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Please, can I do it with him? Please?
Leonard: I've been listening to Sheldon's feelings on things for ten years. Tag, you're it.
Raj: Yeah, but what if the experiment works?
Penny: I'm not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.
Amy: That's what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.
Sheldon: Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.
Leonard: In love yet?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 16
The Intimacy Acceleration
Original Air Date on February 26, 2015
[ The hallway ]
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It's the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.
Penny: You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.
Sheldon: Okay, babe, let's do this.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: You guys are really being calm about Penny and Sheldon doing this thing. (stammers) If it were me I'd, I'd be a little nervous.
Amy: Why?
Raj: Well, even if the study's nonsense, I don't believe in tempting fate. Same reason I wouldn't use a Ouija board, or pick a fight with an Asian guy. He probably doesn't know karate, but why risk it?
Amy: I think we're safe.
Raj: Well, that's what the bullies at Bruce Lee's high school thought. And then, bam. Karate.
Leonard: Well, are we just gonna sit here while they do the experiment?
Amy: The two of us could do it.
Leonard: Yeah, sure, that might be fun.
Amy: What's the first question?
Raj: Hang on. Okay. "Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?"
Leonard: Hmm. I can honestly say Penny.
Amy: Oh, then I choose a janitor, 'cause I'm about to throw up.
Leonard: I'm in love. Let's do something else.
Raj: Ooh, uh, Emily gets off work soon. Why don't the four of us go out?
Leonard: Okay.
Amy: Sounds good.
Leonard: Should we call Howard and Bernadette?
Raj: I don't know what time their plane gets in, but let me, let me sh**t them a text.
Amy: Did he say anything about the funeral?
Raj: Not much, but he seemed to be in a pretty good place.
[ An airport baggage desk ]
Howard: Are you kidding me? You lost my mother's ashes?
Baggage Clerk: No, I'm just saying that sometimes bags are misrouted.
Howard: All right, fine. Where did you misroute the only woman who ever loved me? The first, well,
first, I meant first.
Clerk: I just need some information. Uh, what's the flight number?
Bernadette: Eight sixteen.
Howard: I really did mean first.
Bernadette: Just drop it.
Clerk: And can you describe the bag?
Bernadette: Um, well, it's, uh, black. There's a red ribbon tied to the handle.
Howard: The world's greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: You ready to begin?
Penny: Yup. Be right there. I assume you don't want wine.
Sheldon: Correct. You're not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.
Penny: What heavy machinery? Let's just start.
Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I'm inclined to say ladies first. Although, I'm concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you're familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors...
Penny: Question one. "Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?"
Sheldon: Hmm. Living or d*ad?
Penny: Just says "anyone in the world". I guess that means living.
Sheldon: Ah, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.
Penny: You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.
Sheldon: Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?
Penny: Robert Downey, Jr.
Sheldon: Oh, I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.
[ Raj's car ]
Raj: So, what do you guys want to do?
Amy: Well, we're the ones tagging along, you pick.
Emily: Ooh, have you ever been to an escape room?
Leonard: What's that?
Emily: Um, it's kind of like interactive theatre, except you have to solve puzzles in a certain amount of time to get out. There's one downtown where they trap you in a room with a zombie.
Raj: (short laugh) Oh, so kind of like what's happening with Penny right now.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: "What would constitute a perfect day for you?"
Penny: Uh, well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon: That's it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon: You didn't mention Leonard.
Penny: He's there.
Sheldon: I don't think so. (stammers) Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What's yours?
Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting, you didn't mention Amy.
Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?
[ An escape room ]
Woman in lab coat: You're about to enter the lab of the late Dr. David Saltzberg. While conducting studies on slowing the aging process, there was a catastrophic accident and he died. Or did he?
Leonard: Ladies?
Emily: Are you being polite or scared?
Leonard: Yup.
Emily: Ah, what a room!
Amy: Oh.
Leonard: This is cool.
Amy: So, how do we start?
Emily: We have to look for the clues hidden around the room.
Raj: Uh, wasn't there supposed to be a zombie?
Zombie: (growling) Uuuuuuuh!
Raj: (yelling) Ooh! Okay, let's hope one of the clues is written on a pair of clean underwear.
[ The Baggage Claim ]
Clerk: Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz? As far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.
Bernadette: So, where is it?
Clerk: I don't know, perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake?
Howard: So, some stranger has my mom? Is that what you're telling me? My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?
Clerk: I, I wish I was telling you that. Um, but the passenger could've gotten on an international flight.
Howard: Oh, okay, great. So, your entire job is to find lost luggage, and you've narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth.
Clerk: I'm sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: "If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?"
Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.
Sheldon: I don't think you're taking this seriously.
Penny: Come on, I'm just having some fun with you.
Sheldon: I believe what you're doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.
Penny: Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
Sheldon: Ha. Keep dreaming.
Penny: Sheldon.
Shedon: I'm sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that's how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people's minds.
Penny: Well, I can't read people's minds. Actually, that's not true, I can read men's minds, but only 'cause it's usually the one thing.
Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?
Penny: You're all alike.
Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood. It, it's incredibly stressful.
Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not. And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.
Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon: You sure it's not too much Bible juice?
Penny: And the wave is gone.
[ The escape room ]
Zombie: Brains!
Amy: Keep it down, we're working here.
Raj: Okay, we've got the cipher decoded.
Emily: How's it going with the globe?
Amy: We used the coordinates to locate the cities.
Leonard: I'm putting the city names in the grid now. I'm sure that'll give us the code to the safe.
Zombie: Solve puzzle too fast! Slow down!
Leonard: Yup. Got the code.
Zombie: Just saying, no refund for finish early!
[ The baggage check ]
Bernadette: Sure you don't want to go home? When the bag's returned, they'll deliver it to us.
Howard: No, I'm not leaving without her.
Bernadette: All right, we'll wait.
Howard: I could've driven her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: The day she left for Florida. She asked me to drive her to the airport. I was too busy. And I made her take a cab. I was too busy.
Bernadette: There's no way you could've known. Be right back. Excuse me?
Clerk: Yes?
Bernadette: You better find my husband's mother 'cause one way or another, w e're walking out of this airport with a d*ad woman.
[ The escape room ]
Leonard: Which book are we looking for?
Raj: Uh, Origin of Species.
Leonard: Here it is. There's a black light.
Emily: Oh, hang on.
(zombie moaning)
Raj: Oh, okay. Uh, "Brothers and sisters I have none, but this man's father is my father's son. Who am I looking at?" Yeah, yeah, we get it, you want brains. Calm down.
Amy: Well, if I don't have a brother, my father's son is me. And if I'm this man's father, then he's my son. The answer's "son".
Emily: Ooh. There's a picture of the sun over there.
Leonard: I bet the key's behind it.
Zombie: Could be somewhere else.
Emily: Oh, got the key.
Amy: So, that's the key to the door? That's it?
Leonard: We spent two hundred dollars on six minutes of fun?
Raj: It's like when you bought that remote-controlled helicopter, and it just flew away.
Emily: Sorry, guys. Really thought the puzzles would be better.
Amy: Well, to be fair, we do all have advanced degrees.
Zombie: Remember that before you post on Yelp.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: "If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?"
Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today's your birthday?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon: Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling "surprise" fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas Director's Cut."
Penny: So, why did you finally tell me?
Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.
Penny: Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won't tell anyone.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.
Sheldon: You're making it difficult to love you right now.
[ The baggage check ]
Clerk: Great news, your bag was returned.
Howard: Oh, thank God. It's okay, she's here. Ma's here.
Bernadette: Okay, thank you so much.
Howard: Ma? I'm sorry I didn't take you to the airport. I just want you to know that I'll never forgive myself for being so selfish. And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, no. That thing's gonna end up in my bedroom.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Sheldon: That's it. We're done with the questions.
Penny: All that's left to do is stare into each other's eyes for four minutes without talking.
Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We're good to go.
Penny: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: And begin. This is kind of creepy.
Sheldon: We're not supposed to talk during this part.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.
Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.
Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I'm just concentrating on that. Plus, it's easier around people that I'm comfortable with.
Penny: Aw, sweetie, I'm comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: Of course you are, I'm warm and soothing. I'm like a human bowl of tomato soup.
Penny: I meant more like a little brother.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.
Penny: It's getting creepy again.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
Penny: Can you believe it's been eight years?
Sheldon: Yeah, and you're still eating our food.
Penny: I can't remember a time you guys weren't in my life.
Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you're interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.
(alarm beeping)
Penny: That's it. That wasn't so bad.
Sheldon: No, it wasn't. Uh, now let's tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it's safe to say that you're not in love with me and I'm not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.
Penny: Well, maybe. But I'm still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.
Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that's how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I'd say we have some hard choices to make.
Penny: Like what?
Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?
[ The hallway ]
Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.
Penny: I just want to make sure you get there safe.
Sheldon: Well, this is me. It's been a very interesting evening.
Penny: It really has.
All: Surprise!
Sheldon: Aah! And after I let you be Gary. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x16 - The Intimacy Acceleration"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The stairwell ]
Leonard: I was unstoppable. I mean, I was, I was on f*re. It was like my mind and my body were totally connected, like, like athletes must feel when they're in the zone.
Penny: Again, it was miniature golf.
Leonard: Admit it, you're a little turned on.
Penny: You can't be this proud.
Leonard: Why not?
Penny: Because I b*at you.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're back.
Amy: We have some exciting news.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Do you want to say it?
Amy: Let's say it together.
Together: We're getting a turtle.
Penny: This is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Okay. That was tricky, 'cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.
Leonard: Well, we're, we're very happy for you.
Penny: Yes.
Amy: Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.
Sheldon: No. It's true. It means that we care so much about each other, there's enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.
Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur, they don't make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobblestone.
Sheldon: Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that's also why I chose you as a roommate.
Leonard: Well, congratulations. Who would've thought you two would be the first in our group to start a family?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: That's what I said.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 17
The Colonization Application
Original Air Date on March 5, 2015
[ Emily's apartment ]
Raj: So, where's your roommate tonight?
Emily: Well, I thought it was a little unfair that she's always here, and you never get a chance to stay over, so I k*lled her.
Raj: But remember our agreement? You can joke about m*rder people, but you have to say just kidding.
Emily: And the more important thing to remember is that I'd never hurt you. (phone chimes) Oh, crap. I have to run over to the hospital and check on a patient.
Raj: That's okay. I can come back later.
Emily: No. No, don't be silly. I won't be gone long. Just stay here.
Raj: Okay, cool. Oh, and you're sure your roommate's not gonna come back while I'm here alone, right? 'Cause that'll be awkward.
Emily: Oh, don't worry. She's in Palm Springs.
Raj: Oh, good.
Emily: Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.
[ A pet store ]
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.
Amy: It's okay. You made it. We're fine.
Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.
Amy: Let's forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy: Well, he's barely moving. He looks half d*ad.
Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How'd you like to come home with us? You'll be living with me because we don't live in the same house.
Amy: But that's not your fault. Like you, we're taking it ridiculously slow. You'll stay with me when he's at Comic-Con or away for work.
Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy's application to live on Mars.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Oh, there's this company that's attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking "Seth", but he kind of looks Italian.
Amy: You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn't be bothered to tell me?
Sheldon: Would you have approved?
Amy: Of course not.
Sheldon: Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn't that right, Giuseppe?
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Hey, hey. Listen, I, I have a little confession to make.
Penny: Aw, is this your first time?
Leonard: No, I got you something for Valentine's Day, and I was too embarrassed to give it to you.
Penny: Well, why?
Leonard: Well, 'cause I got it at the dirty store.
Penny: You went to the dirty store without me?
Leonard: In sunglasses and a hat after I parked two blocks away.
Penny: Well, get it. Get it for me.
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay, uh, well, I hope it's fun. I mean, it, it comes with paints, and, and it's kind of creative and artistic.
Penny: Okay, did you go to the dirty store or Michaels?
Leonard: No, no. We cover ourselves in body paint, and then, then we get on this big canvas and do our thing.
Penny: Whoa, that's kind of a big step for a guy who only recently agreed to take his socks off.
Leonard: You're making fun of me. Forget it.
Penny: No. No, come on, I want to do it.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, let's you, me, and your very, very pale feet make some art. Hey, when you got back to this store, I want to go with you.
Leonard: Okay, but it's a drive, the one I went to is in San Diego.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ]
Howard: How are the taxes going?
Bernadette: Okay. But you got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
Howard: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
Bernadette: A two hundred dollar R2-D2 is a business expense?
Howard: Oh, Bernie, you're gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited. (cell phone rings) Hey, what's up?
Raj: Oh, Emily ran back to the hospital, so I'm just hanging out at her place. What are you, uh, what are you doing?
Howard: Just playing video games while Bernie does the taxes.
Raj: What are you, a little kid? Is she gonna cut your dinner into little pieces, too?
Howard: She doesn't have to, I filled up on jelly beans.
Raj: So, uh, what game are you... Oh. Crap.
Howard: What's wrong?
Raj: I can't get Emily's night-stand to close.
Howard: So?
Raj: She's gonna know I was looking in it.
Howard: Why were you looking in it?
Raj: Well, there's a question I better have a good answer to before she gets back.
Howard: Okay, calm down. There's probably something jammed behind it. Just, uh, pull it out and see what's there.
Raj: Hang on. Oh no. Oh, no. Oh, God, no.
Howard: You know what, you sound busy, I'm gonna let you go.
Raj: Dude, the whole front came off. Now she's gonna know I was snooping.
Bernadette: What's happening?
Howard: Raj was snooping through Emily's drawers and broke one.
Bernadette: Aw. I'm gonna miss her.
[ Penny's bedroom ]
Penny: So what do you think?
Leonard: I thought it'd be a little more, just more.
Penny: I'm not even sure why we were out of breath. Uh, I mean, did we move at all?
Leonard: Maybe along the z-axis, but x and y are looking pretty sad.
Penny: Okay, come on. We are not old boring people. We can do better than this.
Leonard: Uh, Th, that's true. How late did we stay up last night?
Penny: Almost 1am.
Leonard: Damn straight, almost 1am. And we weren't even watching TV. We were watching Netflix, like the kids do.
Penny: Yeah, is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Nobody knows. Now, come on. We are gonna do this.
Leonard: Yeah. You get the paint, I'll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.
[ The stairwell ]
Sheldon: I can't believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.
Amy: No one told you to poke the turtle's face.
Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That's how you get children to like you.
Amy: I'm surprised you even care if he likes you, since you're planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.
Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I've already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don't need another one.
Amy: Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.
Sheldon: So you're saying you wouldn't leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?
Amy: I would at least mention it before filling out the application.
Sheldon: Huh, that's exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.
Amy: And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.
Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.
Amy: You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Amy: No. Forget it.
Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?
Amy: Please don't.
(humming the Star Trek theme)
Sheldon: Yep, you're mad.
[ Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard is on the phone to Raj ]
Howard: Okay, let me see the damage.
Raj: Hang on.
Howard: Well, I think you broke the dowels. You're not gonna have time to glue it back on, you'll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: She does.
Howard: Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer.
Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.
Amy: Why do you even want to do this?
Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?
Amy: Can't you just tell me?
Sheldon: But I made a video.
Sheldon (on video): I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I'd like to tell you why I should be chosen to (echoing) go to Mars. I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14. While my brother was getting an STD I was getting a PhD. Penicillin can't take this away. Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important and my hygiene is impeccable. In fact, animals don't trust me because I smell like nothing. Yeah... (inhales) Literally nothing. During the seven-month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humour. Hey, Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
Leonard (on video): You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
Sheldon (on video): Yes. Open it and check.
Leonard (on video): I don't get it. There's actually peanut brittle in... Please go to Mars.
Sheldon (on video): But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it's my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. (echoing) To Mars.
Sheldon: Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose, and pie came out.
[ Penny's bathroom ]
Leonard: Right there, right there, Oh, God, that's it.
Penny: How did you get paint in your eye?
Leonard: Because you wouldn't let me wear safety goggles.
[ Emily's bedroom. Raj is still on the phone with Howard ]
Raj: (sighs heavily) This looks terrible. She, she's gonna know.
Howard: It's fine. You just need two more nails.
Raj: Okay, where should I put them?
Howard: In Emily's eyes.
Raj: You're not helping.
Bernadette: Well, maybe this is what you get for snooping.
Raj: You know, it, it's bad enough that I have to deal with this...
Emily: Raj? I'm back.
(door closes)
Raj: Oh, no. Hey.
Emily: Hi.
Raj: (stammering) How was the hospital?
Emily: Fine. What were you doing in there?
Raj: Uh w, well, okay, look, I, I don't want to lie to you. I got curious, I was looking around and I broke the drawer on your night stand.
Emily: You were looking in my night stand?
Raj: Yeah.
Emily: So, the first time I leave you alone, you snoop on me?
Raj: You've never snooped around my apartment?
Emily: No.
Raj: Come on, think back. It would really help if you had.
Emily: I can't believe you don't trust me.
Bernadette: She sounds really mad.
Howard: We should hang up.
Bernadette: Yeah, we should.
Howard: But we're not going to, are we?
Bernadette: Not a chance.
Howard: What happened to snooping is wrong?
Bernadette: Howard, you're going to jail for tax fraud. Who cares?
[ Penny's bedroom ]
Leonard: Well, we did it.
Penny: We sure did.
Leonard: I mean, I was on f*re. I, I was in the zone, like an athlete.
Penny: Sweetie, I b*at you at this, too.
Leonard: So, where do we want to hang it?
Penny: What? Are you kidding? We're not hanging it.
Leonard: But it's an expression of our love.
Penny: And our butts. Not hanging it.
Leonard: Seems a shame to throw it away.
Penny: Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it.
Leonard: God, I love you. I love you so much.
[ The apartment ]
Amy: I think I'm gonna go home.
Sheldon: Why? I really don't understand what's happening here.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.
Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn't I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.
Amy: Sure. Unless something better comes along.
Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?
Amy: What I want is for us to be planning our future together.
Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I've seen people make the long-distance thing work.
Amy: We're on the same planet.
Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?
Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?
Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I'm going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don't we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?
Amy: Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars att*cks! on Mars. We could be the first to say "good lord, what on Mars are you talking about"?
Amy: You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.
Sheldon: You just can't keep it in your space pants, can you?
Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.
Sheldon: They would, wouldn't they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars att*cks! come from?
Amy: I guess we'll have to make a new video together, as a couple.
Sheldon: (gasps) Good idea. And since you've had such a rough day, I'm gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard's face.
[ Emily's bedroom ]
Raj: Thank you for forgiving me.
Emily: That's okay. At some point, we were bound to have our first fight.
Raj: Well, it almost happened when you called my apple pie crust "doughy", but the truth is you were right, and I was just angry at myself.
Emily: Can I ask you one thing?
Raj: Of course. What?
Emily: Did you look in my closet?
Raj: No. Just the drawer.
Emily: You promise you didn't look in the closet?
Raj: I promise. Why, what's in there?
Emily: Don't worry about it. Good night. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x17 - The Colonization Application"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The lobby ]
Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.
Amy: I'd say I'm sorry I asked, except I didn't.
Sheldon: Oh, look, it's the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.
Amy: Oh, let me see.
Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.
Amy: Sheldon, this article doesn't mention Leonard at all.
Sheldon: Well, that can't be right.
Amy: It only refers to "Dr. Cooper and his team." Did you even talk about him?
Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn't include any of those smelly perfume cards.
Amy: Poor Leonard.
Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.
Amy: He might not be.
Sheldon: Oh, maybe you're right. He is kind of a lump.
Amy: Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard's team?
Sheldon: Oh, I'd be incensed.
Amy: So you see what I'm getting at?
Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Grass is always greener?
Amy: Try again.
Sheldon: Well, I don't know, we're all Groot? Just tell me.
Amy: Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He's going to feel bad.
Sheldon: But it wasn't my fault. I didn't exclude him. And I didn't write the article.
Amy: Remember that time you didn't get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?
Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.
Amy: Exactly.
Sheldon: For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 18
The Leftover Thermalization
Original Air Date on March 12, 2015
[ Howard's car ]
Howard: Thanks for helping us sort through all my mom's stuff.
Raj: Of course. I know what it's like having to go through a loved one's possessions. My uncle was a worshipper of Krishna. But after he died, you know what we found? A statue of Shiva. It may not be Crips and Bloods, okay? But in India, it's a thing.
Bernadette: Well, it'll be good that you're there. Howard's been having trouble deciding what to keep and what to let go.
Howard: Well, it's hard. A lot of Ma's stuff brings back fond memories.
Bernadette: Is that why you couldn't get rid of her drawer full of ketchup packets?
Howard: Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody's looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn't. And I'm okay with that.
Leonard: Actually, your name is on the electric bill.
Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.
Leonard: I don't even know what you're talking about and I agree.
Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you're not going to like it.
Leonard: What's going on?
Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.
Leonard: Did they hate it?
Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn't say enough nice things about it.
Leonard: So what's the problem?
Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name...
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: They didn't mention you in the article. Only me.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I know. It's not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and a**l sphincter. Let's keep those tight.
Leonard: Uh, that, that's not necessary.
Sheldon: It is. They're what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn't read it. It'll only make you feel worse.
Leonard: "Cooper and his team"?
Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.
Leonard: Uh, at least they're talking about the theory. I mean, that's what's important.
Sheldon: You know, you're right. Yeah. You know, it's like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he's far richer. And he's a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.
Leonard: That's not helping.
Sheldon: Well, I'd give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position's so forgettable.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's House ]
Howard: Stuart, we're here.
Raj: It's nice of you to let him keep staying at your mom's house.
Howard: Yeah, well, I tried putting him out on the curb, but nobody took him.
Stuart: Hey. Just so you know, the power's out.
Bernadette: What happened?
Stuart: I called, they said a transformer blew. It's the whole block. Should be fixed by tomorrow.
Howard: Wait, when did it go out?
Stuart: In the middle of the night.
Howard: Oh, my God.
Bernadette: Howie, what's wrong?
Howard: It's all defrosting.
Bernadette: It's okay. It's just food.
Howard: It's not just food. This is the last food my mother ever made. This is her last brisket. This is her last meatloaf. This is her last. I have no idea what this is, but it's the last one.
Raj: Everything okay?
Howard: No. All Ma's food is gonna be ruined.
Bernadette: Well, why don't we take it home and put it in our freezer?
Raj: You don't want to do that. Refreezing not only removes moisture, but it creates ice crystals in the fibres of the meat that can compromise its taste and texture. What? I saw a teachable moment. I dropped some culinary science.
Bernadette: What should we do?
Howard: I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do. We're gonna eat it.
Bernadette: There's, like, twenty pounds of food in there.
Howard: All you said was I had to get rid of things. You didn't say they couldn't pass through my colon first.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Okay. Then how about this? Let's invite everyone over to dinner. It'll be like Ma's feeding us one last time.
Bernadette: I love that.
Raj: Me, too. Oh, look, we've got enough ketchup to cover every ounce of it.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: I mean, who even reads Scientific American?
Leonard: It's kind of a big deal.
Penny: If it's such a big deal, how come the biggest celebrity they could get for the cover is a molecule?
Leonard: Can we please just stop talking about it?
Penny: I'm sorry. What can I do?
Leonard: Nothing, I'm fine.
Penny: No, no. I'm gonna cheer you up. Here we go.
Leonard: What are we doing?
Penny: I am taking you shopping.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: My baby is sad, and I'm gonna make him happy again.
Leonard: Look, I know shopping cheers you up, but it's just not really my thing.
Penny: Well, what about this helicopter you control with an iPad?
Leonard: Does it have a camera in it?
Penny: It does have a camera in it.
Leonard: Baby's listening.
Sheldon: (Knocks) Leonard? (Knocks) Leonard? (Knocks) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.
Leonard: What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea?
Sheldon: I did.
Leonard: Thank you. What did he say?
Sheldon: He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.
Leonard: Why did he think you're the lead scientist? It was my idea.
Penny: You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he's been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is 'cause my name is on it.
Penny: You know what? I did it. What's four bucks?
Leonard: If you're trying to make me feel better, it's not working.
Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh. That's just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knocks) Leonard? (Knocks) Leonard? (Knocks) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I'm ready whenever you are.
[ Amy's car ]
Sheldon: All he had was an idea.
Amy: Well, that is an important part.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won't Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.
Amy: But Leonard's idea was good.
Sheldon: Fine. Then Grumpy, what's he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won't take his side.
[ Penny's car ]
Leonard: I'm the one who thought of it.
Penny: Well, didn't he do a lot of the work?
Leonard: Yeah. But now he's happy to let people think he's responsible for everything.
Penny: And that's why you get an iPad helicopter.
[ Amy's car ]
Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?
Amy: It's not your fault.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?
Amy: Not your fault.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn't correct him?
Amy: Hey, look at that pretty bird.
[ Penny's car ]
Leonard: He always needs all the attention. He's such a baby.
Penny: I know, I know.
Leonard: I swear, he is never ever playing with my helicopter.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's kitchen ]
Raj: Okay, I'll start heating some of this stuff up.
Bernadette: Thanks.
Howard: Oh, man. This is the boutonniere from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette: Did she throw anything away?
Howard: No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna k*ll myself.
Raj: Okay, so we've got, um, three briskets, four meatloafs, one lasagna.
Howard: No, that's noodle kugel.
Raj: One Jewish lasagna, two pound cakes that are about eight pounds each, and one giant container of matzoh ball soup.
Howard: Ma always kept it on hand, in case I got sick. She thought she could cure anything with her cooking. Even the time I got food poisoning. From her cooking.
Bernadette: You okay?
Howard: Yeah, I'm okay. Let's get started.
Raj: You got it.
Howard: (voice breaking) I'm never gonna talk to her again.
Bernadette: Should we tell everyone not to come?
Howard: No. I want to do this.
Bernadette: Okay. Well, I'll keep it together if you can.
Howard: Okay. (chuckles)
Raj: (voice breaking) I'm not making any promises.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's living room ]
Stuart: Glad you guys could make it.
Leonard: Of course.
Penny: Wow, it looks really pretty in here.
Stuart: Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood.
Leonard: So, Stuart, have you thought about what you'd do if Howard sells the house?
Stuart: And there goes the mood.
Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.
Leonard: Subtle.
Sheldon: But you got it, right?
Howard: Hey, guys.
All: Hey. Hi. Hello.
Howard: I just want everyone to know, uh, tonight's not a sad occasion.
Bernadette: Yeah, we just want to have the kind of dinner that we've all had here so many times before.
Howard: Good food, good friends, and sometime around midnight, heartburn that makes you pray for death.
Amy: Do you need any help in the kitchen?
Bernadette: No, we got it. You guys make yourselves comfortable.
Penny: All right, hey, you two, we're here for Howard right now, okay?
Amy: Yes, so please behave yourselves.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: Of course.
Stuart: So I heard you two, uh, wrote a paper together. How's that going?
[ Mrs Wolowitz's dining room ]
Penny: This food is amazing.
Raj: Mm, and not a vegetable in sight.
Howard: That's not true. We've got tomatoes right here.
Amy: All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.
Sheldon: Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.
Penny: Oh, so it's like The View.
Amy: Sheldon, The View is a daytime talk show hosted by women.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek...
Penny: Shut up.
Raj: I would like to propose a salon topic.
Amy: Ooh, please do, Rajesh.
Raj: The lead in The Hunger Games is a woman. Marvel has made "Tor" a female.
Penny: Wait, who's Tor?
Raj: You know, Tor, the God of "Tunder". As I was saying, is this a sign that our society is approaching gender equality?
Howard: Certainly a lot more women are reading comic books now.
Stuart: It's true. At the store, I had to put a seat on the toilet.
Amy: We won't know if there's equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work.
Howard: I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.
Penny: Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.
Sheldon: I don't believe it matters what the topic is. What's crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It's all about the execution.
Leonard: Of course you'd focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What's more important, an idea or its execution?
Bernadette: Oh, that's fine.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That's a lovely little notion. Kind of like, "I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago." Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. "Hello? Oh, hold on." Leonard, it's your uncle. He says you just got b*rned.
Amy: Sheldon.
Penny: Guys.
Leonard: No, it's okay. We're all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?
Howard: Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.
Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it'll go Gettysburg Address, "I have a dream," and what he just said.
Leonard: Oh, now he's a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.
Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.
Leonard: You're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.
Penny: Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I'd go to my real salon.
Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could've had that idea, but very few people could've worked out the math the way I did.
Leonard: Lots of people also didn't have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.
Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he's better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don't know about you, but I support our boys overseas.
Amy: And girls.
Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor; give it a rest.
Leonard: So I'm just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?
Sheldon: I didn't hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.
Leonard: You want some of this? I'll give you some.
Bernadette: Hey. Sheldon, Leonard, living room, right now!
Sheldon: She said my name first, that must k*ll you.
Bernadette (O.C.): I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband. We're eating the last food his mother ever made, and you were gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you. Look at me when I'm talking to you. And don't think...
Howard: You guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy: I don't hear it.
Raj: No, not at all.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's living room ]
Penny: I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard: It's why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.
Sheldon: You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert...
Penny: Shut up.
Ra: So glad you two are done fighting.
Leonard: Right now, I'm just trying to burp without throwing up.
Sheldon: Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper.
Stuart: What'd they say?
Amy: Who cares? Did they mention Leonard?
Sheldon: They did.
All: Yay.
Bernadette: Good news, I found more Tums.
All: Yay. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x18 - The Leftover Thermalization"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.
Sheldon: Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.
Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.
Amy: Are you all set for your trip?
Sheldon: Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK.
Penny: "PRK"?
Leonard: Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.
Sheldon: I don't see what's crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.
Leonard: Keep going.
Sheldon: And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let's see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn't some kind of weirdo.
Penny: You still worried some Berkeley girl is gonna steal him away?
Amy: Yes, who do you think gave him the danger whistle?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 19
The Skywalker Incursion
Original Air Date on April 2, 2015
[ Leonard's car ]
Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called "I Can't Spy"? It's all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.
Leonard: If it's half as much fun as "One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall," I'm in.
Sheldon: I'll begin. Uh, I can't spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
Leonard: That soy Frappuccino I had.
Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can't spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
Leonard: I don't know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?
Sheldon: I don't want to play anymore.
Leonard: We haven't been on a road trip in a while. This is fun.
Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.
Leonard: No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That's pretty cool.
Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you'd like to celebrate with a little music, I'd be okay with that.
Leonard: What? This road trip just got crazy.
Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.
Leonard: I'm surprised you know that reference.
Sheldon: What reference?
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Bernadette: So, I put stickers on everything we're gonna sell. We just need help taking it all out to the driveway.
Amy: Can I be in charge of pricing? I've been going to garage sales my whole life. Can you believe I got these pantyhose for a nickel?
Howard: All right, Amy's in charge of pricing and being 75.
Raj: Hey, Penny, can you give me a hand with this?
Penny: Sure. Oh, we had one of these growing up. I used to play all the time.
Raj: Oh, yeah? I love Ping-Pong.
Penny: Oh, I meant beer pong.
Amy: I had a table, too, but I didn't have any friends, so all I did was serve.
Bernadette: You know, you can leave one side up and play against it.
Amy: And if I had a friend, they might have told me that.
Howard: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It's my TARDIS from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
Bernadette: I think you just answered your own question.
Howard: Come on, one day, this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it.
Bernadette: Sweetie, we have a lot to do. We don't need to decide this right now.
Howard: Well, I guess as long as you're keeping an open mind.
Bernadette: Of course.
[ Leonard's car ]
♪ "Play that funky music, white boy" is playing ♪
Sheldon: So they're requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: And this music we're listening to right now is funky as well?
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?
Leonard: It could be.
Sheldon: So it's like the musical equivalent of Russell's Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don't contain themselves as members contains itself?
Leonard: Exactly.
Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.
(music stops)
Leonard: Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early.
Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?
Leonard: I doubt it.
Sheldon: Aren't you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?
Leonard: If we do, we'll just tell him to h*t the bricks, see?
Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won't be very far from Skywalker Ranch.
Leonard: Oh, that's true. It's not like we can get in there.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: I-I don't think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Sheldon: Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That's code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.
Leonard: We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I'm so excited. And I just can't hide it.
Leonard: "I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it."
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Penny: So when do you guys think you're gonna move in?
Howard: We're still figuring how much remodeling we want to do.
Bernadette: It's tricky finding the right balance between "tasteful modern" and "Jewish mother tchotchke crapfest."
Amy: Have you made a decision about the TARDIS? I think I can sell it if we call it "Big British Porta-Potty."
Howard: We're not selling it, it's mine.
Bernadette: You can't just decide. How about I arm-wrestle you?
Howard: That's not fair. It's like me challenging you to a sexy pants contest.
Raj: You could play Ping-Pong for it.
Howard: I would do that.
Bernadette: How is that fair? You grew up with a table.
Howard: Yes, but I mostly used it as a b*ttlefield in an ongoing w*r between the Transformers and the ThunderCats for control of a bra I had found in the woods.
Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard has made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Gallifrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.
Bernadette: Yes, Penny plays for me.
Howard: That's not fair, she has upper body muscles.
Raj: Dude, three-time Sanskriti School for Well-Born Boys badminton champion.
Howard: That's right, okay, Raj can play for me.
Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: Yeah, it's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, no, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.
Howard: So it's settled. The fate of Doctor Who's TARDIS will be decided by a Game of Thrones inspired death-match on the b*ttlefield of ThunderCats versus Transformers.
Amy: If you still have that bra, I'll give you a nickel for it.
[ Leonard's car ]
Sheldon: There it is. It's just a gate. On a road.
Leonard: Wasn't even that hard to find.
Sheldon: This is so amazing.
Leonard: I know. You want to get a picture?
Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.
Leonard: Well, so do I, but they'll never let us.
Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?
Leonard: No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.
Sheldon: There's a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let's see what happens.
Leonard: Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I'm a little nervous.
Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: (gasps) You pushed it, are you out of your mind?
Voice: May I help you?
Leonard: Um, uh, uh, uh, we don't have an appointment, and, and we don't belong here, but we, we're, like, crazy-big fans. I mean... (stammers) uh, buh, buh, "crazy for Star Wars" crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don't want to look in.
Sheldon: You're bl*wing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.
Voice: Hello? This speaker's not working, just pull up.
Leonard: And that's how it's done.
[ The same, further inside the ranch ]
Sheldon: All right, we've defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.
Leonard: We're trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda.
Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what's the plan?
Leonard: Uh, I'm just gonna be honest with the guy.
Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.
Leonard: Well, what's your plan?
Sheldon: All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse's office and your willingness to be lightly s*ab.
Security Guard: Who are you here to see?
Leonard: Uh, I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
Sheldon: Oh, you are k*lling me.
Leonard: We don't have an appointment. We, we're just fans of Mr. Lucas's work, and we thought we'd take a sh*t and see if we could get in and look around.
Security Guard: Sorry, guys, we get this a lot. Can't let you in.
Sheldon: What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? (imitating Yoda) A recording session I must attend.
Leonard: I'm sorry, don't listen to him. We're actually physicists. We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to k*ll.
Security Guard: Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can't let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.
Leonard: Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best... (door opens) What are you doing?
Sheldon: Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Security Guard: Don't move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.
Voice: Copy.
Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it's rustic, it's lovely. I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn't dare use... Aaaaaaagh!
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Howard: Come on, Raj. You are the King Kong of Ping-Pong. You are the menace of table tennis. Put her away, 'cause I don't have a third one. Yes! Yes! (whoops)
Amy: Rajesh eight, Penny four.
Penny: Sorry, he's really good.
Bernadette: Hey, Raj. if Howard can't keep the TARDIS, how great would it look at your place?
Raj: What?
Howard: Yeah, what?
Bernadette: I don't know much about Doctor Who, but if, um, you were to put this right outside your front door and open up the back, it would be like your entire apartment was the inside of the TARDIS, which is pretty cool 'cause on the show, the inside of the TARDIS is bigger than the outside. But then again, I don't know much about Doctor Who.
Howard: Don't listen to her. You and I go way back, we're like brothers.
Raj: We are. We are. Oh, no. What a terrible serve. Sorry, brother.
Amy: Eight-five.
Howard: This is ridiculous. I want a new champion. Amy, were you serious about being able to serve?
Amy: Uh, it, it's been a long time. I don't know. I'm probably pretty rusty.
Penny: Wow.
Howard: She's my champion.
Bernadette: Well, if you can switch champions, so can I. I want Raj.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: Oh, come on, like you even care.
Penny: I care. Oh, wait, no, I don't. Good luck, Raj.
Howard: You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
Raj: So did I.
[ An office in Skywalker Ranch ]
Sheldon: Do you think they're gonna call the police?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe they'll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.
Sheldon: Oh, I think that's below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who...
Leonard: Oh, shut up.
Nerdy Guy: He's right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.
Leonard: Uh-huh, I'm normally very nice, but you shut up, too.
Sheldon: So, what are you in for?
Nerdy Guy: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.
Sheldon: But why are you here?
Nerdy Guy: Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.
Security Guard: All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we're gonna let you go with a warning. (sighs in relief) But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges.
Leonard: We understand. Thank you so much.
Nerdy Guy: Uh, what about me?
Security Guard: No, you're not going anywhere, kissy face. Let's go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.
Sheldon: Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? (imitating Yoda) Ooh, grumpy you are.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Howard: Okay, this is the match that decides it all. First to 11 wins. Serve switches every five points. And just so you know, when this started, I was going to put the TARDIS in a discreet corner of the house, but I've since turned mean, and now it's going right in the middle of the living room on a rotating platform with a sign that says "suck it". Game on.
Bernadette: Except, Raj is gonna win. Isn't that right, Raj?
Raj: Uh, yeah, I mean, her serve was pretty good.
Bernadette: Come on, get in her head. Be intimidating.
Raj: Okay, uh, I'm gonna own you, bitch.
Penny: Whoa.
Bernadette: Hey.
Amy: That's not nice.
Raj: Let's just play.
Howard: One-zero. Two. Three. Four. Five-nothing. (chuckles) Wait, did you play badminton or sad-minton?
Bernadette: Don't listen to him, all she's got is a serve. Now, grab a fresh tampon and put her away.
Raj: What, and that's not offensive? Where's the line?
Penny: It's in your purse. Play.
Bernadette: One-five. Two-five. Three-five. Four-five. Five-five.
Howard: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-five.
Bernadette: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-ten.
Amy: Well, that was an exciting 40 seconds.
Howard: It was, and now the serve is back to you, and the game is over.
Bernadette: You know, Amy, I, uh, can't help but wonder how Sheldon would react if the TARDIS was at your place.
Howard: Don't listen to her, just h*t the ball.
Amy: Keep talking.
[ Amy's apartment ]
Bernadette: If this doesn't get him into your bedroom, nothing will.
[ The stairwell ]
Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?
Leonard: Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.
Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.
Leonard: The glass is empty, Sheldon. It's completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be d*ad, do you know why?
Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you're looking at this all wrong.
Leonard: Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.
Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone sh**t me with a Taser.
Leonard: That part was pretty good.
Sheldon: See?
Leonard: You did flop around a lot.
Sheldon: I'll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.
Leonard: You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I'm pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.
Sheldon: That's amazing.
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?
Leonard: I guess this could count as an adventure.
Sheldon: It was. And even though we're not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn't returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.
[ Amy's bedroom ]
Sheldon: Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail, quick, we need to reset the time circuits. Oh, no, I left my sonic screwdriver behind.
Amy: Really should have thought this through. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x19 - The Skywalker Incursion"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The cafeteria ]
Raj: You're wrong.
Howard: No, I'm not.
Raj: Yes, you are.
Howard: No, I'm not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs?
Leonard: Well, the G stands for graphics. That's a hard G, so I'd say gif.
Raj: The guy who invented it says it's jif.
Howard: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?
Sheldon: Well, I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast. It's true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn't included.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, I'm sure it's not because they don't think you're an elite scientist.
Howard: Yeah, I bet you anything it's just 'cause you're a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Leonard: Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Leonard: I was gonna say or, but why bother?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 20
The Fortification Implementation
Original Air Date on April 9, 2015
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Bernadette: Hey, Raj.
Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift.
Bernadette: Oh, that's a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.
Raj: You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging. So, how's it going with the title to the house?
Howard: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is.
Raj: Wow, so you're not curious at all?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: Hmm. What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a k*ller Ringo.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Wil Wheaton: Thanks again for agreeing to do this.
Penny: Oh, it's cool, I've never been on a podcast before.
Leonard: Well, you picked a good one to start. Wil's had lots of great guests. Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden.
Penny: Those are Star Trek people.
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: I only figured that out because I've never heard of any of them.
Wil: I deserve that. I invited you on my show and I drove here.
Penny: Sorry.
Wil: Okay, so, this is basically gonna be just like a little talk show. Uh, we're gonna take some calls, we'll talk about what it was like on the set of Serial Ape-ist 2. It should be really fun.
Leonard: This is exciting.
Penny: Yeah, so, how many people listen?
Wil: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.
[ The apartment ]
Amy: Can you please pass the salt?
Sheldon: Sure. It's not like I was invited to Richard Feynman's house and have anything better to do.
Amy: Is this how the rest of the night's going to be?
Sheldon: I don't know the future. Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could h*t the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
Amy: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then buckle up, you're in for a cranky night.
Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.
Amy: Well, it applies to you, too.
Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you're concerned, I'm smiling. Although, I must admit, I'm smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Raj: So, Bernadette, have you thought about how you're going to redecorate this place?
Bernadette: You know, I'm thinking ripping up the carpets, maybe lose the wallpaper, all new light fixtures.
Raj: You know, if you knocked out this wall, it would give you an open floor plan, and then, it's a little scary, but could be fun, indoor f*re pit.
(doorbell rings)
Howard: Hey, I grew up in this house, okay? No one's knocking anything down.
Bernadette: Okay, okay. When he's at Comic-Con, I'm bringing in a wrecking ball.
Howard: Can I help you?
Guy at door: Hi. Are you Howard Wolowitz?
Howard: Yes.
Guy: Um, this is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house.
Howard: Wuh, uh, who's your father?
Guy: Sam Wolowitz.
Howard: S-Sam Wolowitz is my father.
Guy: I know.
Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father, are, are you saying you're my half-brother?
Guy: I think so.
Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey k*ll.
Wil: Uh, spoiler alert, after the monkey sees, it kills.
Leonard: Psst.
Wil: I've just been handed a note. I'm going to read it. "Wil, do you want more Diet Coke? Also, we have juice."
Leonard: I-I didn't want to interrupt.
Wil: Uh, that voice you just heard belongs to Leonard, Penny's fiancé. Uh, Leonard, why don't you grab some headphones and join us?
Leonard: Really?
Wil: Yeah.
Leonard: (chuckles) Yeah, great.
Wil: So, while Leonard gets set up, let's take a call. Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Woman Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.
Wil: Thanks a lot, caller. You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following.
Penny: Really?
Wil: Yeah. I was at a science-fiction convention, and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character.
Leonard: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj.
Wil: All right, it's time for a very special guest caller, a friend of mine, who you probably know as the director of such movies as Clerks, or from podcasts and books where he often reminds you that he's the guy who directed Clerks. Hello, Kevin Smith.
Kevn: Hey, man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? 'Cause it's been, like, two minutes and you haven't even brought up Stand By Me.
Penny: Hey, Kevin. It's really exciting to talk to you.
Leonard: It really is.
Kevin: Oh, you guys are very sweet. So, Penny, listen, I saw your movie.
Penny: Oh, wow. I wish it was better.
Wil: Oh, don't worry about it. Have you seen some of Kevin's films?
Kevin: You're cruisin' for a beatin', Wheaton. Anyway, man, I dug the ape movie, Penny. And I thought you were, like, really great in it.
Penny: Aw.
Wil: You know, I'm in the movie, too.
Kevin: Yeah, whatever. Penny. Penny, how come you're not in more stuff, man? I'd cast you in a minute.
Penny: Seriously?
Kevin: Oh, yeah, man. I'm actually in pre-production on a movie right now. Way different than anything I've ever done before. It's called Clerks 3. You should come over and read for a part.
Penny: Oh, my, I would love that.
Leonard: You have a new job.
Penny: Well, maybe I can do both.
Leonard: I don't think you can do both.
Penny: I don't think I asked you.
Kevin: Yeah, you tell him, Penny.
Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?
Amy: Probably not. It's an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.
Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I've since evolved, and now I think it's dumb.
Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.
Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you're all by yourself.
Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got att*cked by bees.
Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman's house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They're missing out on hilarious jokes like that.
Amy: And at the same time, not.
Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn't let me in. I hated that so much.
Amy: You know, there's nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.
Sheldon: Isn't that a little juvenile?
Amy: More juvenile than this?
Sheldon: I'll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Howard: You know what, I'm being a bad host. Let me get some more coffee.
Bernadette: Oh, let me do it, Howard.
Howard: No, I got it.
Bernadette: So, Josh, what do you do?
Josh: I'm studying oceanography down in San Diego.
Bernadette: Oh, how nice. I loved Finding Nemo.
Raj: Enough chitchat. How do we know you are who you say you are?
Josh: Why would I lie?
Raj: Okay, you got me there. You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.
Bernadette: Why don't you help with the coffee?
Raj: Okay, but something smells fishy. And not just because you work around sea animals. That actually sounds interesting, and I'd like to learn more about it. Hey, you okay?
Howard: Not really. This guy shows up out of the blue, and now I have a brother? My father has another family?
Raj: I get it. What do you want to do?
Howard: I don't know. I, I'd just like him to go away. I can't deal with this.
Raj: All right, I've got your back.
Howard: Thank you. Come on. And I'd like to point out, this wall just provided a lot of privacy.
Josh: I can't believe my brother's an astronaut. That's amazing. What was it like?
Raj: Listen, dude, it's time for you to h*t the road.
Howard: Hey, hey, the young man asked a good question.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Wil: So, for those of you just tuning in, we are listening to a really fun fight between my co-star...
Leonard: No, no, no. We're not fighting, we're just having a conversation.
Wil: All right. We're listening to a really fun conversation between my co-star from Serial Ape-ist 2 and her fiancé, who doesn't believe women should have dreams.
Leonard: Give me back that juice.
Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
Leonard: Well, what if you get it?
Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie?
Kevin: Oh, I'm hanging up now.
Wil: Don't you listen to him, buddy. You're awesome. You're one of the greatest directors of our time.
Kevin: I don't have a part for you, Wheaton.
Wil: And that was Kevin Smith.
Penny: Thanks a lot.
Leonard: I'm just trying to protect you. How many times did I see you get your heart broken trying to make it as an actress?
Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Like, times two twice?
Wil: For those of you at home, Leonard just found out his fiancée makes way more money than he does. Let's listen.
Leonard: I went to school for half my life. I have a doctorate. I'm still paying off college loans.
Penny: Well, how much do you owe? Maybe I can help you out.
Leonard: Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit?
Wil: For those of you at home, I am shaking my head no.
[ The apartment. Including fort ]
Amy: How's it going, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.
Amy: Can I come in?
Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.
Amy: Amazing.
Sheldon: I know. This isn't the printout. This is my real face.
Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Howard: I'm surprised you could hear me with this Thin Mint in your ear. Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
Josh: Yeah. Anyway, I should probably get going.
Bernadette: Howie, have you noticed how often people say that when you start to do magic?
Josh: Sorry, I have a long drive.
Howard: Well, I hope I get to see you again.
Josh: (chuckles) I hope so, too. I've always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with.
Bernadette: Keep dreaming.
Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
Josh: Wow.
Bernadette: He did it with a robot.
Josh: You had sex with a robot?
Howard: That's not what she meant.
Raj: But technically, yes.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Leonard: Hang on, if you're making all this money, where is it?
Penny: In a safe place.
Leonard: What does that mean, under your bed?
Penny: No, it means a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds. I'm not overly conservative. I'm young, so my guy said I can afford to take some risks.
Leonard: Wait a minute, you have "a guy"?
Penny: Don't you have a guy?
Leonard: Why would I have a guy? I don't have any money.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you should really get some money.
Wil: For those of you listening at home, how great is this?
Leonard: Wil, I'm begging you, just please turn that off.
Wil: Sure. And we're back.
Penny: Leonard, why are you making such a big deal out of this? So our roles have changed a bit over the last couple years. This is the way life is. And I'm sure in time they'll change again.
Leonard: Great, you're not only more successful than me, now you're more mature.
Penny: Okay, look, would it make you feel better if I did something dumb like sneak out of work one day to go audition for a Kevin Smith movie?
Leonard: That would be great, thank you.
Wil: I'm just gonna jump in here real quick. Leonard, a moment ago, you were d*ad set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say that she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes, it is, Wil.
[ Mrs Wolowitz's house ]
Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: (chuckles) It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.
[ The fort ]
Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or "fort off", are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.
Amy: I'd say, Knox over Ticonderoga, 'cause it's got the gold.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And McBlanket over Sumter 'cause it has a higher thread count. (phone rings) Oh. Ten o'clock. Date night's over.
Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven't picked a winner.
Amy: We both know this one's gonna win.
Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn't have a secret physics lending library.
Amy: Come on, I'll help you take this down.
Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?
Amy: Well, as long as we're suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.
Sheldon: That's a big step.
Amy: It's a big fort.
Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.
Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers.
Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.
Amy: You got yourself a sleepover.
Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?
Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?
Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we'd be in the living room?
Amy: Who says this is the only one I hid?
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Hello? What is this?
Sheldon: We built a fort.
Leonard: Are those my sheets?
Amy: Yes, they are.
Leonard: Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I'm gonna go to sleep.
Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm good.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort?
Sheldon: I want to say no, but it's too glorious. Get in here.
Leonard: Thank you.
Amy: Okay, have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon: Not there. That's my spot. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x20 - The Fortification Implementation"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The cafeteria ]
Sheldon: Hey, would you like to hear some songs I've rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences?
Howard: Sure.
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. h*t it.
Sheldon: ♪ There was a scientist who had a theory ♪
♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪
♪ J-A-M-E-S ♪
♪ C-L-E-R-K ♪
♪ Space M-A-X-W-E-L-L ♪
♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪
♪ There was a scientist who had a theory ♪
♪ And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o ♪
♪ A-M-E-S ♪
Leonard: Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it.
Sheldon: Perhaps you'd prefer this one. (clears throat)
♪ The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all ♪
♪ Because it has eight legs ♪
♪ And two body parts ♪
Leonard: That's pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I'd love her to get behind it.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA's been working on?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.
Leonard: Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.
Sheldon: All right, you can't breathe our air without an inhaler, he's allergic to Earth nuts, but I'm the alien.
Raj: Anyway, I'm among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Howard: Good for you.
Leonard: Congratulations.
Raj: And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.
Leonard: Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: I'll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.
Howard: Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.
Sheldon: Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.
Howard: Ooh, how about a 3-D tactile communicator rigged for cross-sensory transposition?
Raj: Exactly what I expected. Two people forcing their ideas on me and only one gentleman who could be bothered to ask me what my thoughts were. You two are out. Congratulations, Leonard, you're on the team.
Leonard: My mommy raised a gentleman.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 21
The Communication Deterioration
Original Air Date on April 16, 2015
[ Raj's apartment ]
Raj: Hey. Thanks for coming by.
Leonard: Yeah. I'm excited to help.
Raj: I would have included the others, but you know exactly what would've happened. They would've taken over the project and bossed us around.
Leonard: I get it. Uh, just this morning, Sheldon wouldn't let me put almond milk on my Grape-Nuts because he said it was a theoretical nut conflict.
Raj: You should have told him to mind his own business.
Leonard: Yeah. That's better than what I did say, which was, fine, I'll eat them with club soda.
Raj: What makes them think they're always in charge of everything?
Leonard: Mmm, they're alpha males.
Raj: (chuckles) Huh, what does that make us?
Leonard: We could be betas. They're second in charge.
Raj: Okay, that sounds good.
Leonard: Or we could be omegas. They get pushed around by the alphas and the betas.
Raj: Okay, that sounds like us.
Leonard: Whatever. There's no alphas here, and this is your project. You're in charge. How do you want to start?
Raj: I don't know. How do you want to start?
Leonard: I don't know. Should we call Sheldon and Howard?
Raj: No. We can do this by ourselves.
Leonard: Okay. Great. How do you want to start?
Raj: I don't know. How do you want to start?
[ The hallway ]
Penny: (Knocks) Sheldon. (Knocks) Sheldon. (Knocks) Sheldon.
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it. You'll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you're looking for Leonard, he's with Koothrappali.
Penny: Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you.
Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.
Penny: No, no. It's about my acting career.
Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That's not on the list.
Penny: Well.
Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.
Penny: Okay, look, here's the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it's going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.
Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.
Penny: Well, why? (sighs)
Sheldon: I'm attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.
Penny: You're really not gonna tell me?
Sheldon: No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, "trains, tell me more," or you can just look at me like that and I'll start.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Bernadette: What's going on in here?
Howard: I am making molecular cocktails. This sphere is actually a cosmopolitan.
Bernadette: (chuckles) Oh. How do you drink it?
Howard: Oh, just put it in your mouth and pop it like a zit.
Bernadette: I think I'll have a beer.
Howard: First take a picture with me.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, Raj and I always talked about learning how to make cocktails like this together, so I taught myself and I'm putting this on Instagram so he can see it and feel like a turd. Say cheese.
Bernadette: Is this about the space probe he's working on without you?
Howard: You betcha. The very one.
Bernadette: Howard, you're grown men. You guys don't have to do everything together.
Howard: I know. That's why I'm spending tonight with you.
Bernadette: Trying to hurt Raj's feelings.
Howard: With my honeybunch.
Bernadette: You're being childish.
Howard: No. He is. So I have a dominant personality. We all know that.
Bernadette: I'm sorry. What do we know?
Howard: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge.
Bernadette: Don't take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had?
Howard: You don't think I'm a leader?
Bernadette: I was kidding. Of course you are.
Howard: Right. I couldn't change if I wanted to.
Bernadette: You better not change, because I love who you are. Now, will you need help cleaning all this up when you're done or can you do it all by yourself?
Howard: All by myself.
Bernadette: There's my big boss man.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.
Penny: Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question.
Sheldon: Mmm.
Penny: If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?
Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.
Penny: Oh. You're right. I'm worried about something that hasn't even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No, it's the wise man. That's why he's called the wise man. You know how I know that? I'm the wise man.
Penny: I'm sorry. What was I thinking?
Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn't you ask Leonard for advice about this?
Penny: 'Cause I already know what he'll say. (whining voice) "Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn't do it."
Sheldon: Ah, it's just like he's here.
[ Raj's apartment ]
Raj: Okay, so we know that previous attempts to send a message into space, like the Golden Record on Voyager, were heavily criticized.
Leonard: Well, aliens could only play the Golden Record if they figured out how to build a record player.
Raj: Eh. Although, to be fair, I watched E.T. build a telephone out of a Speak & Spell and an umbrella. Dude was like a little brown MacGyver.
Leonard: That would be more helpful if E.T. were real.
Raj: Well, my feelings were real when he was about to die.
Leonard: My God, when he's on the table and they use the paddles on him.
Raj: And he's all white.
Leonard: They zip him up in that bag.
Raj: And Gertie can't stop crying.
Leonard: The flower dies.
Raj: Okay, let's talk about something else.
Leonard: All right, so it sounds like we need a way to communicate that's simple.
Raj: And doesn't require outside machinery to be built to access it.
Leonard: It's also a problem because we don't even know if the aliens who find this can see. I mean, they might communicate in a totally different way than us.
Raj: Like when my dog is mad at me, she tells me by peeing in my slippers.
Leonard: That's actually a valid example. Animals do deliver messages through scent.
Raj: Bees talk to each other by dancing. Whales have their songs.
Leonard: Yeah. Penny has about twenty different ways of rolling her eyes that each mean something different.
Raj: Okay, so, what it sounds like is, what we want is a device that can deliver a message through not only sight, but other senses, as well.
Leonard: The most basic sense that any space-faring civilization would have to possess is touch.
Raj: Ooh. Ooh, ooh. We could make a video-playing device that simultaneously translates the information into a tactile medium.
Leonard: All we have to do is rig up a 3-D communication system.
Raj: We, we can totally do that.
Leonard: I know.
Raj: This is great.
Leonard: Yeah, you know what else it is?
Raj: What?
Howard: Exactly what Sheldon and Howard said.
Raj: Well, thank you for peeing in my slippers.
[ The cafeteria ]
Sheldon: ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪
♪ It's the ear of the bat ♪
♪ It's the whiskers of the catfish ♪
♪ And the walrus... ♪
Howard: Hang on. Not that your song isn't terrible, it is... but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?
Sheldon: You didn't let me finish.
♪ And also regarding the bat ♪
♪ It has sonar. ♪
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Hello.
Raj: Look, I know you guys are upset, but we've talked about it, and we think it'd be beneficial for you to be part of the project.
Howard: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.
Leonard: We want you back on the project with us.
Sheldon: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard?
Raj: Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I'd love your help.
Howard: I suppose it couldn't have been easy for you to say that.
Raj: It wasn't, so are you in?
Sheldon: Certainly.
Howard: Sure.
Leonard: Great. Now that we're all on the same page, let's get together tonight and work on it.
Sheldon: "Get together tonight"? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.
Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now.
Sheldon: Tonight works better for me.
Raj: Okay.
[ A hallway ]
Penny (V.O.): Okay, it's just an audition. Why am I nervous? Maybe it's a good thing. Just means I want it. And I can have it. This feels right. Why did I ever give this up?(Out loud) I'm starting to remember.
[ The apartment ]
Raj: So, I'd like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.
Sheldon: Uh, building on that, we should order dinner.
Leonard: How is that building on what he just said?
Howard: Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.
Raj: Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.
Sheldon: Building on building on that, there's a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.
Leonard: Building on that, I'd like to remind you, I'm lactose intolerant.
Howard: I saw the menu. They have soy cheese.
Sheldon: Bah, you didn't say building on. You're out.
Leonard: It's not Simon Says.
Raj: Yeah, you're missing the point, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're out, and you're out. I win. Who wants pizza?
[ The audition room ]
Girl: Penny?
Penny: Oh, hey.
Girl: Hey. I haven't seen you auditioning in a while.
Penny: Yeah, uh, I got a job as a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Girl: You quit acting?
Penny: Well, kind of. But now I get to act like inflamed heart is only a "mild side effect." (laughs)
Second Girl: I heard you can make good money doing that.
Penny: Yeah, it's going okay, but I do miss this sometimes.
First Girl: Really?
Penny: Mmm.
First Girl: 'Cause I got to tell you, I am so sick of the humiliation and being treated like a piece of meat.
Audiitoner: Chelsea?
First Girl: Wish me luck. (laughs)
Second Girl: They're gonna love you. I heard she's pushing 40 and everything's fake.
Penny: Yeah. I started that rumour.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Okay, since we agree on the delivery system for the message, maybe we should talk about what the message could be.
Raj: Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like.
Howard: The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.
Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It's advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.
Leonard: Squeeze yourself.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.
Raj: Well, maybe there's a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger.
Howard: You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That's ridiculous.
Raj: Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?
Sheldon: Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.
Raj: (sighs) Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over.
Howard: It's not always.
Leonard: What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba's head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.
Sheldon: We looked great.
Leonard: You let a guy sit on me.
Howard: He was dressed as Princess Leia. It made a nice picture.
Leonard: I'm just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside.
Raj: Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn't even think to ask me and Leonard.
Howard: You know what? You're right. I should have asked you.
Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It's amazing.
Howard: Okay, and if we're talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.
Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.
Leonard: Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.
Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba's head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I'm having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I'm in charge. Now, why don't you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?
Leonard: Sheldon, you're not in charge. Raj is in charge.
Sheldon: Leonard, who's really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?
Raj: He's right. If you think about it, we're all in charge.
Sheldon: No, the guy in charge is in ch... why is everyone so bad at these?
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: I mean, the whole experience reminded me about how much I hated about that world. You, you know, the anxiety, the depression, the negativity. I don't want to feel those things. I want to sell drugs to people who feel those things.
Amy: I can't believe you got up and walked out of an audition for a big movie.
Penny: I did. I mean, I walked in, read for the part, then stunk up the place, but then I walked right out.
Bernadette: Well, I'm glad you have a new appreciation for your job.
Penny: I do, and you know, I don't think I've ever thanked you properly for helping me get it.
Bernadette: Properly, at all. It's just words I've never heard.
Penny: Well, thank you. You're a good friend, and you changed my life.
Bernadette: You're welcome. Hey, now that you're making some real money, maybe you can take your friend out for a nice thank-you dinner.
Penny: Sure.
Amy: And you probably have to invite your other friend 'cause she overheard you talking about it, and it would be awkward to exclude her.
Penny: Okay.
Bernadette: How about now?
Penny: All right.
Bernadette: Don't forget your wallet.
Penny: I, uh, huh. (groans)
[ An alien spacecraft ]
Sheldon (on screen): Greetings from planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can't miss it.
First Alien: That soft pink alien looks delicious.
Second Alien: I could eat. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x21 - The Communication Deterioration"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Raj: It's, like, the best one they make, I just can't get it to work.
Howard: I'll figure it out.
Raj: It streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying.
Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?
Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed.
Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?
Leonard: Nope. It's pretty exciting.
Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard: I'll take my chances.
Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille.
Raj: Look, the problem with commencement speeches is that they're boring. Ooh, do you own a T-shirt cannon?
Howard: Why would he own a T-shirt cannon?
Raj: I don't know. Why do I own one?
Amy: I think it's really nice that you're sharing this experience with Penny.
Leonard: Mm, I thought it'd be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.
Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.
Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.
Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 22
The Graduation Transmission
Original Air Date on April 23, 2015
[ The hallway ]
Leonard: How'd you get ready so fast?
Penny: Oh, I pack light. Once, I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt.
Leonard: Why did you need a belt?
Penny: It's called an evening look. I've never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it's not really like that?
Leonard: No, it's like that. Well, I'm excited to show you around.
Penny: You think we'll have time to visit your mom over there?
Leonard: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either. (phone chimes) Uh-oh. I just got an alert. Our flight's been cancelled.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Yeah, looks like there's a big storm all up the East Coast.
Penny: Well, can we get on another airline?
Leonard: I don't think so.
Penny: So, that's it? We're not going?
Leonard: I guess not. (scoffs)
Penny: Well, that sucks.
Leonard: Yeah. I worked hard on that speech, too.
Penny: Oh. You could tell it to me.
Leonard: Oh, thank you, but I'm okay.
Penny: Are you sure? I could pretend I'm a high school cheerleader who can't control herself around esteemed alumni.
Leonard: Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders.
Penny: Ooh.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera's on, they're both on the same network; we should be getting an image.
Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.
Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it.
Sheldon: All right.
Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.
Sheldon: It actually says "at least"?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Why would they say "at least"? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: You see where I'm going with this.
Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.
Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically "at least ten". But they're still getting at least one angry letter.
Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.
Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don't look at me, initiate. Oh... What does red and yellow mean?
Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.
Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... eleven. It's a good thing I didn't send that letter.
[ Raj's apartment ]
(Skype ringtone plays)
Raj: Mm. Hello, Daddy. What's up?
Dr Koothrapalli: Not much, just wanted to see how my son's doing.
Raj: Very well, thank you.
Dr Koothrapalli: Are you still dating that dermatologist?
Raj: If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn't have to ask.
Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, and there's something else I wanted to ask you. Why did you spend a month's rent on a toy helicopter?!
Raj: Oh, you're where that bill goes.
Dr Koothrapalli: I'm tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It's time you learned responsibility. And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.
Raj: No, Daddy, no. There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility. I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week.
Dr Koothrapalli: No, my mind is made up. Starting now, you're on your own.
Raj: But, Daddy, I, I miss my family so much, and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can't hug you every day, flying that helicopter...
Dr Koothrapalli: I'm cutting you off.
Raj: Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?
[ The apartment ]
Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow.
Sheldon: Yay.
Howard: It's green.
Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it's this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.
Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Howard: Oh. All right, playtime's over. Let's open this baby up.
Sheldon: Won't that void the warranty?
Howard: Sheldon, I have a master's degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare. That pays for itself in the long run.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, where'd you go?
Penny: I got you a little something to cheer you up.
Leonard: Really? Sex last night, pancakes this morning, am I dying?
Penny: Just open it.
Leonard: A cap and gown? Why do I need a cap and gown?
Penny: Because you are giving your commencement speech.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Penny: I called your old high school and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype.
Leonard: Really? That's amazing. And you gave me the robes to give it in. Thank you.
Penny: Yeah, now about those, uh, they came from a costume shop, and all they had left was sexy graduate, so they might be a little short.
Leonard: Short and sexy, that's my wheelhouse.
Penny: Yeah.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that's a lot of pieces.
Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?
Howard: Yes, of course.
Sheldon: What about this one?
Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?
Sheldon: Not very.
Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.
Sheldon: So, can you get it working?
Howard: I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I've built components for the space station.
Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
Howard: It worked fine, it just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
Raj: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father... What did you do?
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn't originate in a Russian man's colon.
Raj: I don't freaking believe this.
Howard: Relax, it'll be fine.
Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.
Sheldon: You can't return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.
Raj: Howard, my father cut me off. I have to get my money back for this.
Howard: Calm down.
Raj: Okay. Okay, you're right. It's time for me to step up and take responsibility for my life. Be a man. (On phone) Hello, Mummy.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.
Raj: Well, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing? Are you happy, Mummy?
Mrs Koothrapalli: Such a sweet boy for asking. Can't believe you come from the poison seed of your father.
Raj: Well, I like to think I take mostly after you. Anyway, speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversation with him. He said he couldn't afford to send me money any more because of his active social life.
Mrs Koothrapalli: What does that mean, active social life?
Raj: Well, let's not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to. Let's talk about you.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Rajesh, is your father seeing someone?
Raj: All I know, Mummy, is that he's a single wealthy doctor, and now, for some reason, there's no money for your little boy.
Mrs Koothrapalli: Well, however much money your father was giving you, I'll give you more.
Raj: Thank you, Mummy, I love you. (quietly) Helicopters for everybody.
[ Penny's apartment ]
Penny: What's taking so long?
Leonard: I don't think this is gonna work.
Penny: Just let me see. Sweetie, you know you're supposed to wear clothes underneath a graduation gown.
Leonard: A, surprised you know that. B, I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you.
Penny: Oh. Well, you do.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Yeah. You're gonna be on Skype, they're not gonna see your legs.
Leonard: Well, I'm gonna go put on some pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing.
Penny: Add a belt and I'll take you some place nice.
Leonard: Oh. Done and done.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: Okay, I think I've narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.
Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you're done with that, can you look at this? It doesn't make smoke anymore.
Howard: One toy at a time.
Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it's for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.
Raj: What's the first one?
Howard: su1c1de.
Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.
Bernadette: I have the tool you wanted.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: You guys don't have to go to the trouble. I'm back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.
Howard: It's not about the money. It's about solving a problem. It's why I became an engineer. It's what I like to do, it's what I'm trained to do. It's who I am.
Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.
Bernadette: Why don't you just call tech support?
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Whoa.
Raj: Not cool.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: There's two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.
Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.
Howard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: You call tech support.
Raj: What a baby.
[ Leonard's old school ]
Headmaster: And now, for our commencement address, one of our most distinguished alumni, noted Caltech physicist Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard (on screen): Members of the faculty, students, I'm excited to speak to you today. I can't help but remember the last time I was in this auditorium. Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep-away with my asthma inhaler. But enough about my ten-year reunion. I'd also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancée for to helping make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it.
Penny: Oh. Hello. I, I didn't know he was gonna point it at me, so, don't do drugs and stay in school.
Leonard: They're graduating.
Penny: Okay, bye.
[ The apartment ]
Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we're back in business. Let's just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?
Sheldon: Check.
Howard: GPS?
Raj: Check.
Howard: Battery charged?
Sheldon: Check.
Bernadette: Four hours of our lives gone? Check.
Howard: All right. All systems go. In five...
Together: Four, three, two, one.
(electrical crackle)
Sheldon: That's what my train used to do.
Bernadette: Ready to call tech support?
Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who's reading from the same manual I have. (Raj's phone rings)
Raj: It's my father, you jerks. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrapalli: What did you say to your mother?
Raj: Nothing. I was just calling to check in, make sure she's doing okay.
Dr Koothrapalli: Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I'm some sort of playboy.
Raj: Really? I don't know where she'd get an idea like that. You know Mummy and her crazy imagination I'm so lucky I take after you.
Dr Koothrapalli: You think you take after me?
Raj: Well, I try to. I certainly wouldn't be a scientist if you hadn't been my role model. (Re-entering apartment) Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?
[ Leonard's old school ]
Leonard (on screen): It was L. Frank Baum who said, "No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure." Wow, I'm boring myself. (sighs) Sorry, I can't see any of your faces right now, but I bet they look like this. Uh, you know, I, I wrote an entire speech to say how high school prepares you and what a wonderful place it is, but I hated it. Maybe high school's great if you look like this, but I didn't even feel like I existed at that school. And now that I think about it, I bet a lot of you feel the same way. So, for the remainder of my speech, this is for the invisible kids. Uh, maybe you never fit in. Or maybe you're the smallest kid in the school, or the heaviest or the weirdest. Maybe you're graduating and you still haven't had your first kiss. By the way, 19, and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you. Maybe you don't have any friends. And guess what? That's okay. While all the popular kids are off doing whatever, I don't know what they were doing 'cause I was never there.
Penny: I'll, I'll tell you later.
Leonard: My point is, while you're spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you're really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it's over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.
[ The apartment ]
Tech Support (recording): Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
(flute music playing)
Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.
Sheldon: It is awful, isn't it? Listen to that noise.
Howard: Hang on, hang on. It's working. I did it.
Raj: How'd you do that?
Howard: No idea, but I did it.
Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn't be flying it inside.
Howard: Well, I'm not flying it.
Sheldon: Then who is?
Howard: I don't know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.
Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. (screams) Hey, the camera's working. Oh, look, it's me. (screams)
Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes, it's a robot uprising. Call the police.
[ The hallway ]
Leonard: So you really think they liked it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I...
(both scream)
Sheldon: Don't worry, everyone in here is safe. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x22 - The Graduation Transmission"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
Leonard: I don't know, some time tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.
Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honour I've won since I b*at out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?
Penny: Aw, it's so nice. She's gonna love it.
Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a bouquet of severed plant genitals.
Sheldon: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
Amy: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.
Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know. They're pretty different.
Sheldon: Maybe they'll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 23
The Maternal Combustion
Original Air Date on April 30, 2015
[ The apartment ]
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I'm so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.
Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
Sheldon: Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
Sheldon: Listen, Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?
Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I love you, too. My little bowl of lion chow.
[ The stairwell ]
Dr Hofstadter: So, have you and Penny set a wedding date?
Leonard: No, we're kind of taking it slow.
Dr Hofstadter: I see.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Dr Hofstadter: You've been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there's a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
Leonard: Yes, Mother.
Dr Hofstadter: Only satisfactory. I see.
Leonard: I change my answer. It, it's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Dr Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
Leonard: See, this right here, what you're doing, can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom?
Dr Hofstadter: Why? Are you attracted to her, too?
Leonard: Of course not. She's, she's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I'm an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Dr Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Dr Hofstadter: Ugh.
Leonard: Hey, look who's here.
Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it's so good to see you again.
Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.
Leonard: That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.
Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
Dr Hofstadter: : So nice to meet you.
Mrs Cooper: Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight?
Dr Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mrs Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone, not saying who, was watching over the plane.
Dr Hofstadter: You're kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Bernadette: Stuart.
Stuart: Morning.
Bernadette: We talked about this. I don't mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.
Howard: Hey.
[ The apartment ]
Mrs Cooper: You must be very proud of your son.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
Mrs Cooper: He did?
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he's terrific.
Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?
Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.
Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I'm curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?
Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: (stammers) Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: But I wasn't. 'Cause I didn't have any friends.
Mrs Cooper: (laughs) No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African w*rlord in the country of Chad.
Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.
Sheldon: I was a handful.
Leonard: You still are. Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van der Graaf generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Dr Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it's all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be.
Raj: We haven't had a good invisible man in a while.
Stuart: Clearly, you've never seen me try to talk to a woman.
Bernadette: Guys. In the time you've been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
Stuart: I put on pants.
Howard: Kiss-ass.
Bernadette: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.
Raj: Hey, I don't even live here.
Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: Oh, and here's a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.
Dr Hofstadter: You don't look very happy.
Sheldon: Well, I had just g*n puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change.
Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.
Penny: Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly.
Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay.
Penny: Sorry, I forgot.
Sheldon: You remember my mother.
Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, Mary.
Mrs Cooper: Good to see you again, dear.
Penny: Ah, yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.
Leonard: So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged.
Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.
Leonard: We did not. That's not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?
Sheldon: Oh, sure.
Leonard: It came from Tiffany's.
Sheldon: You mean the box, right?
Leonard: Keep walking.
Penny: Really doesn't matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.
Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?
Leonard: Yes, and we'll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.
Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler.
Leonard: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.
Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.
Penny: We're not in a rush. We'll set a date when the time is right.
Mrs Cooper: It doesn't matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
Dr Hofstadter: Uch.
Mrs Cooper: Uch? The bible is uch to you?
Dr Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them.
Mrs Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions? Sheldon sent me the books you wrote, all that nonsense about superegos and ids. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
Dr Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.
Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
Mrs Cooper: Stay out of this.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Mrs Cooper: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.
Dr Hofstadter: It's fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?
Mrs Cooper: I know the answer. You're not gonna like it.
Dr Hofstadter: Try me.
Mrs Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean?
Dr Hofstadter: : It means, I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.
Penny: Why don't we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.
Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.
Leonard: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Raj: How old is this Jell-O?
Stuart: Well, it's carrots, so gonna say very.
Howard: Sorry we have to do this.
Stuart: Bernadette's not wrong. She does work hard around here.
Raj: Yeah, maybe it's a good thing if she stops babying you so much.
Howard: She doesn't baby me.
Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.
Howard: You're right. It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.
[ A coffee shop ]
Dr Hofstadter: I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
Dr Hofstadter: I can't help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.
Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.
Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.
Sheldon: I'd feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard's brother and sister are.
Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.
Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.
Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would've flourished more in a reward-based environment?
Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself, I always had to earn it.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.
Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
Leonard: That's not what it is.
Penny: I know, I know. Zzzzzzzz.
Mrs Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.
Mrs Cooper: Doesn't matter, a good Christian would've turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would've sh*t her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
Leonard: Oh, me.
Penny: Yeah, me, too.
Mrs Cooper: Coming up.
Leonard: I don't really feel I deserve it.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Howard: That was a big sticky mess, but I think I got it.
Raj: Looks good.
Stuart: Yeah.
Bernadette: Look at that. You cleaned it up all by yourself.
Howard: Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself. Honestly, I don't know why you complain so… okay, maybe I missed one spot. Just leave.
[ The apartment ]
Mrs Cooper: I'm so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.
Dr Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.
Mrs Cooper: And I will pray for you.
Leonard: Okay, Mom, let's get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else.
Dr Hofstadter: One moment. There's something I need to say to you.
Leonard: Oh, really? That's too bad.
Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there's more than one way to raise a child.
Sheldon: I taught her that.
Dr Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.
Leonard: Wow. When does that start?
Dr Hofstadter: So needy. Come to Mommy.
Penny: It's okay, go ahead.
Dr Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Stuart: ♪ It's a hard-knock life ♪
Together: ♪ It's the hard-knock life for us ♪
♪ It's the hard-knock life for us ♪
♪ 'Stead of treated, we get tricked ♪
♪ 'Stead of kisses, we get kicked ♪
♪ It's the hard-knock life ♪
♪ Got no folks to speak of so ♪
♪ It's the hard-knock row we hoe ♪
♪ Cotton blankets... 'stead of wool ♪
♪ Empty bellies... 'stead of full ♪
♪ It's a hard-knock life. ♪ | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x23 - The Maternal Combustion"} | foreverdreaming |
[ The apartment ]
Amy: Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?
Amy: That's what you're thinking about?
Sheldon: Well, one of the things.
Amy: Are any of them me?
Sheldon: Yes. I thought, "I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy." Anyway...
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: You're right, you did kind of k*ll the mood.
Amy: I didn't k*ll anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Amy: Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy: (sarcastically) Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon: Whenever you're ready.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Season 8 Episode 24
The Commitment Determination
Original Air Date on May 7, 2015
[ The comic book store ]
Stuart: I don't want to rush you, but I'm closing a little early tonight.
Raj: Ooh. Hot date?
Stuart: Uh, no. I overheard Bernadette tell Howard she was making him a meat loaf, and you don't have to not ask me twice.
Emily: If I stick a light bulb on this, wouldn't it make a great lamp for my bedroom?
Raj: You're kidding, right?
Emily: Oh. Is this freaking you out?
Raj: I guess I'm just more of a Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel kind of guy. Maybe Pier 1 if I really want to cut loose.
Emily: All right. Never mind.
Raj: No, no, no. Hey, you should totally get it. In fact, I'll buy it for you.
Stuart: Sold.
Emily: Raj, you don't have to do that.
Stuart: Too late. No returns.
[ The stairwell ]
Leonard: That was really intense.
Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers' market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're here. I need your assistance.
Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite?
Sheldon: What happened?
Penny: Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals.
Sheldon: Been there.
Penny: Mmm. So what do you need help with?
Sheldon: Amy's mad at me, and I'm not clear why.
Penny: Okay. Were you talking before she got upset?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: That's probably it. What'd you say to her?
Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.
Penny: And that made her angry?
Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.
Penny: Well, Sheldon, when you're kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.
Sheldon: It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash.
Penny: Yeah. I'm tapping out. Leonard?
Leonard: I'm gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I'm in, I'm in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.
Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.
Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.
Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Raj: You guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side?
Bernadette: You mean 'cause she has weird tattoos?
Raj: No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
Howard: One more time?
Raj: She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out. So I said, "What else do you want to do?" She said, "Let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave."
Howard: Like, a random person or somebody she knew?
Raj: What difference does it make?
Howard: Well, if it's her father's grave and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
Bernadette: The only issue is that everybody has their own thing, and as long as it's two consenting adults, I guess I don't see the harm in it.
Raj: Well, what if it's one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he's afraid of being alone?
Bernadette: Well, then I guess bring a blanket. The grass gets damp at night.
Raj: I don't know, guys. Maybe this relationship isn't for me. Maybe I should break up with her.
Howard: (chuckles) Right. You're gonna break up with a girl who has sex with you. Can you believe this guy?
Bernadette: I think if Raj wants to break up with a girl, he can do it.
Howard: How are you saying that with a straight face?
Bernadette: (chuckling) I don't know.
Raj: You guys are being jerks.
Howard: Buddy, other than Jenny Craig, you've never broken up with a girl in your life.
Raj: You're one to talk. You've been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year. I don't see you showing him the door.
Howard: That's not the same thing. Emily's a person. Stuart's more like an infestation, something you spray for.
Raj: Baloney, okay? You two are as afraid of hurting someone's feelings as I am.
Bernadette: That's not true. We were just laughing right in your face.
[ The apartment ]
Penny: Thanks for cooking.
Leonard: Mmm. My pleasure.
Penny: That carrot was delicious.
Leonard: Yeah. I wish I'd fought harder for the rest of 'em.
Penny: Still haven't heard from her?
Sheldon: No, and I'm confused. It's been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she's wrong by now.
Penny: Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.
Sheldon: Too slow?
Penny: Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together.
Sheldon: That's right. It's called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren't moving forward in your relationship.
Penny: (scoffs) Uh, hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: No. Sheldon, we're getting married.
Sheldon: But you've been engaged for over a year now, and you don't even have a wedding date.
Penny: Well, we will. We're just not in a rush.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: We're gonna set a date.
Sheldon: Okay. If you say so.
Penny: Yeah, it's just, things are good right now.
Leonard: Really good.
Penny: I'm focusing on my job.
Leonard: And we've been busy with our paper.
Penny: So busy.
Leonard: Yeah, we'll pick a date when we pick a date.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You know, I can see why Amy's mad at you.
Sheldon: Yeah, shut up, Sheldon.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Bernadette: Did you eat all my yoghurt?
Howard: You mean the one that makes ladies do the thing that ladies pretend they don't do even though they do?
Bernadette: You know... which yoghurt I mean.
Howard: I didn't touch it. Must have been Stuart.
Bernadette: (sighs) Maybe Raj is right. Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard: (groans) Yeah, right. Sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that.
Bernadette: All right. Tonight's the night.
Howard: Agreed. When he gets home, I'm dropping the hammer.
Bernadette: Ooh, I like when you take charge.
Howard: Oh, I'm not taking charge, you're the hammer.
[ The apartment ]
Leonard: So... why haven't we picked a date?
Penny: You know why.
Leonard: Well, of course I know why. But just for fun... why?
Penny: Not in a rush, busy with work...
Sheldon: Things are good right now.
Penny: Really good.
Leonard: You still want to get married, right?
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes. Why would you even ask that?
Leonard: I don't know. Because we don't have a date?
Penny: Well, you want a date, pick a date.
Leonard: It's not just the date. We haven't talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?
Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.
Penny: Okay, indoor it is. Big or small?
Leonard: Is your dad paying for it?
Penny: I doubt it.
Leonard: Okay, two friends each.
Penny: All right, well, I want it in a church.
Leonard: Fine. I want black-tie.
Penny: Fine. I want to release butterflies.
Sheldon: Seriously? Airborne worms?
Leonard: Okay. Well, then it's settled: small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies.
Penny: Sounds perfect.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: You still didn't pick a date.
Penny: Stay out of it.
Leonard: Shut up.
[ A graveyard ]
Emily: Mmm. It's a beautiful night.
Raj: Oh, yes, we've got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty, who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
Emily: Makes you feel alive, doesn't it?
Raj: So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are.
Emily: You aren't scared, are you?
Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit.
[ The apartment ]
Sheldon: I'm sorry I've upset you. I shouldn't have asked so many questions.
Penny: No, it's okay.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe it's good you got us talking about this stuff.
Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I'm causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don't we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny's love of the ol' glug-glug?
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I think we're good for now.
Sheldon: Ah, well... very well. So does this mean you'll finally pick a wedding date?
Penny: (sighs) Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We're committed to each other. We're happy. A ceremony isn't gonna change anything.
Sheldon: So you're never getting married? It's his whining, isn't it?
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not a whiner.
Sheldon: It's amusing that he doesn't hear it.
Leonard: Look, all she's saying is we are in love so it doesn't matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now.
Penny: Ew, 50? We'll be old and gross.
Leonard: Yeah, but we'll be old and gross together.
Sheldon: My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.
Penny: Um... I'm free tonight.
Leonard: Are you saying you want to get married?
Penny: Vegas isn't that far away.
Leonard: I'm in. Let's do it.
Sheldon: After all these years. I'm really happy for the two of you.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: Now get out of my spot.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Howard: Bernie, Stuart just pulled up. So remember, the key is to be firm. Show no weakness.
Bernadette: Right.
Howard: Good luck.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, you get back here.
Howard: (mutters) Never should have told you my middle name.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey, you got a minute?
Stuart: Sure. Uh, let me just put this stuff in the fridge. I felt bad for finishing your yoghurt, so I bought more. And, Howard, your favourite fruit is in season. Crunch Berries.
Bernadette: Don't let that sway you.
Howard: It's hard not to. They taste so much better than real berries.
Stuart: What's up?
Bernadette: So... we need to talk.
[ The graveyard ]
Emily: You okay?
Raj: I think we should talk.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Stuart: Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Well... you've been living here a while now.
Stuart: I know. I may sell comic books at work, but the real superheroes are sitting right in front of me.
Bernadette: Yeah...
Howard: His middle name is David. Go.
[ The graveyard ]
Raj: Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people.
Emily: Are you breaking up with me?
Raj: No, no, I'm just pointing out that you're dark on the inside and I'm dark on the outside.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Bernadette: So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is... (phone rings)
Howard: You need to take that?
Stuart: It's just my dad, probably calling to wish me a happy birthday. I'll call him back. You were saying?
[ The graveyard ]
Emily: Look, Raj, be honest with me. If you want to end things, just do it. Don't expect me to do it for you.
Raj: End things? I'm trying to tell you that I love you.
[ Howard and Bernadette's house ]
Howard and Bernadette: ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
[ Leonard's car ]
Penny: Wow, there's a Denny's in Vegas you can actually get married in.
Leonard: (chuckles) Doesn't sound very romantic.
Penny: Yeah, but we could get heart-shaped pancakes.
Leonard: I'm sure we'll find a decent chapel.
Penny: Yeah. This is crazy!
Leonard: I know! You think people are gonna be mad?
Penny: Maybe. But this isn't about them; it's about us.
Leonard: It is. It is about us.
Penny: And you know what the best part is? We took our time. I mean, we met, we were friends for a couple years, then we got together, and then we got untogether, then we worked out all our problems, and now we know everything about each other, we can just go forward with no surprises and no regrets.
Leonard: Right. No surprises.
Penny: And no regrets.
Leonard: Uh, well, there- there's one thing I feel I should tell you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You know, so we can go into this with no secrets between us.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Remember, uh, a couple years back when I was on that research ship in the North Sea?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay, well, there, there was a lot of drinking and craziness going on...
Penny: No, you told me.
Leonard: Okay, um... well, there was this girl.
Penny: What did you do?
Leonard: Nothing... really. It was just kissing.
Penny: And then what?
Leonard: And then nothing. I stopped it. But it still bothers me... and I wanted you to know.
Penny: All right.
Leonard: Did you ever do anything like this since we've been?
Penny: Nope, never.
Leonard: Oh, that's too bad.
Penny: You know, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Hmm?
Penny: Why are you telling me this now?
Leonard: Well, like I said, we're about to get married, and I-I want a clean slate. No secrets.
Penny: Really? Be- Because to me, it seems like we're about to get married and you're trying to sabotage it.
Leonard: W-Would you rather I didn't tell you?
Penny: No, I don't want there to be secrets between us.
Leonard: See, now I'm confused. I mean, what- what am I supposed to do?
Penny: Uh, keep your mouth off other women.
Leonard: I can do that. Uh, uh, f-from now on, this mouth, you and food, that's it.
Penny: (sighs) Okay.
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: Look, I'm not happy this happened, but I think I can get past it. I mean, we weren't engaged at the time, and it was just kissing.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Just kissing.
Leonard: It wasn't even very good. She was a smoker, I'd just been seasick...
Penny: Okay, that's enough. Stop talking.
Leonard: So... we're still getting married?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Because we love each other.
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: And it's the happiest day of our lives.
Penny: (short laugh) Don't push it.
[ The apartment ]
(line ringing)
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy: Okay, well, this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: I hope you understand.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings. What do I do with this one? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "08x24 - The Commitment Determination"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Cut to: A b*llet being loaded into a g*n.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Cut to: A second b*llet being loaded into the g*n.)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Cut to: The g*n is loaded and closed.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
Royce Harmon (recorded): (V.O.) My name is Royce Harmon.
[EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA (STOCK) - NIGHT]
Royce Harmon (recorded): (V.O.) I reside at 7642 Carpenter Street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age ... ... and I'm going to k*ll myself.
CUT TO:
[INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(The shadowy figure of a man holding a revolver walks down the darkened hallway.)
Royce Harmon (recorded): (V.O.) I'd like to say "I love you" to my mother Paige and my sister Gina. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you through this. I just can't do it anymore.
(The man walks out of the hallway.)
Royce Harmon (recorded): (V.O.) I love you, mom ...
Sound: (recorded) g*n.
HARD CUT TO:
[EXT. HARMON RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(Cop cars surround the area. OFFICERS and curious onlookers mill about. The drive way is cordoned off by crime scene tape.
(Sounds of a helicopter flying overhead and a siren flipping on and off is heard.)
(A bronco pulls up and stops on the road.)
(SERGEANT O'RILEY stands next to another OFFICER.)
Sergeant O'Riley: Here comes the "nerd squad".
(JIM BRASS and GRISSOM exit the car.)
Jim Brass: I hate the legwork. I'm telling you, that Deputy Chief job better come in soon. I don't know how much longer I can put up with these damn "public appearances".
(They walk up the front path toward SERGEANT O'RILEY and the OFFICER next to him.)
Gil Grissom: (smiles) Gentlemen ...
Jim Brass: Hey, guys, take a break, huh?
(They head into the house.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HARMON RESIDENCE - BATHROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM steps into the darkened bathroom. He puts his kit down on the toilet and opens it. BRASS lingers in the doorway. GRISSOM takes out and puts on a pair of gloves.)
Jim Brass: su1c1de.
Gil Grissom: You think so, huh?
Jim Brass: You got the sleeping bag for easy cleanup, the bathtub to catch the b*llet, open window so the stench alerts the neighbors ... god bless him.
(JIM BRASS coughs. He flips the lights on. GRISSOM puts on his glasses to look at the scene.)
Jim Brass: Oh, geez ...
(JIM BRASS clears throat )
(GRISSOM looks around and finds something. He picks it up.)
Gil Grissom: Pupa, stage three.
Jim Brass: English. I'm not an entomologist.
Gil Grissom: It's the third stage of larva metamorphosis. This guy's been d*ad seven days.
(GRISSOM puts the larva into a specimen container.)
Jim Brass: That's a maggot, and he stinks. Oh, good, it's almost 11:00. Maybe if I'm lucky I can break out of here in time for a sh*t at the first rack of the Krispy Kreme.
(GRISSOM finds the microcassette tape recorder in ROYCE HARMON'S grip. He picks it up.)
Gil Grissom: I think we may have our su1c1de note.
CUT TO:
[INT. PAIGE HARMON'S RESIDENCE - LATER -- NIGHT]
Royce Harmon: (on tape) I never wanted to put you through this. I just can't do it anymore. I've lost hope. I love you, mom ...
(PAIGE HARMON and her daughter GINA listen to the tape.)
Sound Cue: (on tape) g*n
(They flinch at the sound.)
Gina Harmon: Oh, my god!
Paige Harmon: Go upstairs, Gina.
(GINA HARMON stands up and leaves.)
Paige Harmon: (to GINA) This can't be happening.
Gil Grissom: We're so sorry about this, Ms. Harmon. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Paige Harmon: No, you don't understand. This is his picture ... but that's not my son's voice.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN:
[EXT. CSI - NIGHT]
(A maroon car turns into the driveway. HOLLY GRIBBS parks and exits the car. She grabs her kit and heads into the building.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(HOLLY GRIBBS turns the corner and makes her way down the hallway. She's looking for a particular office.)
CUT TO:
[INT. GIL GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(The door opens. HOLLY GRIBBS walks into the office.)
Holly Gribbs: Hello?
(She looks around and grimaces at the various items on the shelves. Behind her, GRISSOM walks up to her.)
Gil Grissom: Hi.
(HOLLY is startled. She gasps and turns around.)
Gil Grissom: Sorry. Welcome to Forensics. Gil Grissom. I'm your supervisor on graveyard.
Holly Gribbs: Holly Gribbs.
(They shake hands.)
Holly Gribbs: Nice office.
Gil Grissom: Thanks. (b*at) Would you mind taking off your jacket and rolling up your sleeve?
Holly Gribbs: For what?
Gil Grissom: I need a pint of your blood. It's customary for all new hires.
Holly Gribbs: Why?
Gil Grissom: (he chuckles) So many reasons.
(HOLLY takes off her jacket.)
Holly Gribbs: I-I haven't even clocked in yet.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(NICK takes the "SOLVED" magnet off of the WHITEBOARD and puts it directly in his column: 'NICK' over the block: CRIME #99 "UNIDENTIFIED PERSON". The others blocks in his list include: #100: as*ault; #98: DRUNK DRIVING; #97: r*pe; #96: as*ault)
(NICK punches the SOLVED magnet proudly with his fist. He smiles.)
Nick Stokes: (under his breath) One more, baby, one more.
(NICK stares at the board proudly. WARRICK turns the corner and puts a hand on NICK'S shoulders. He turns to look at the board, too.)
Warrick Brown: Hey.
Nick Stokes: There he is. What's up?
(WARRICK takes the "SOLVED" magnet off of the WHITEBOARD and puts it directly in his column: "WARRICK" over the block: CRIME #99: as*ault. The other block in his list include: #100: as*ault and #98: ROBBERY.)
Warrick Brown: Ninety-nine. You and me, d*ad heat. Next crime solved gets promoted to CSI-3, man.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, yeah, choice of shift, $8,000 raise, extra week vacation-- oh-ho, it's all about Cabo, bro.
Warrick Brown: Twenty bucks, by the end of shift, I'm the man.
Nick Stokes: Is there anything you won't bet on?
Warrick Brown: Nah. It's college football season, man. I won eight of ten this weekend. Kilt 'em. Outside the Huskers and them punk-ass Irish, I'm up about four G's.
Nick Stokes: Hmm, what's the line on us?
Warrick Brown: On us? I'm like tiger,, man -- I'm heavily favored
Nick Stokes: Come on, give me a winner for tomorrow.
Warrick Brown: (sighs) Ah ... green bay, minus seven and a half over niners. Always go with the better quarterback.
Nick Stokes: Uh-huh. Cool.
(WARRICK walks past NICK.)
Nick Stokes: Hey, good luck tonight, man.
(NICK holds out his hand and they shake hands.)
Warrick Brown: Thanks. You, too, Nick. I hope you get that trick and roll. You'll never crack that in a shift, never.
(WARRICK walks away.)
Nick Stokes: (to his retreating back) Yeah, well, we'll see, and I hope the pack wins by seven.
CUT TO:
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM opens the refrigerator and puts a bottle inside. HOLLY GRIBBS holds a piece of cotton against the inside of her elbow as she's just given GRISSOM some blood.)
Gil Grissom: We scrutinize the crime scene, collect the evidence recreate what happened without ever having been there.
(GRISSOM closes the refrigerator door and turns around to look at HOLLY.)
Gil Grissom: Pretty cool, actually.
Holly Gribbs: I just got out of the academy -- I already know this.
Gil Grissom: Of course you do. Then if you'll just sign these waivers for personal injury or death while in the line of duty, we can begin our shift.
(GRISSOM hands her a clipboard with the forms and gives her a pen. HOLLY leans over the desk and starts to sign the papers. She gets dizzy and stops.)
Holly Gribbs: Mmm...
Gil Grissom: What's the matter?
Holly Gribbs: Um ... I'm kind of light-headed.
Gil Grissom: Sit down, sit down. You're probably low on blood sugar. I've got just the thing.
(GRISSOM turns around and reaches into the refrigerator. There between the jar with the yellow liquid and the jar with the green sample, he takes out the jar with something black inside.)
(He opens it and offers it to HOLLY.)
Gil Grissom: Here, try one of these.
Holly Gribbs: No offense, but I don't think I want to eat anything that's been in this office.
(GRISSOM pulls the jar away from her and looks at her. HOLLY reaches in the jar and takes one out. She examines it. GRISSOM also takes one.)
Holly Gribbs: Is there a grasshopper in here?
(Looking directly at HOLLY, GRISSOM pops the grasshopper into his mouth and chews. HOLLY grimaces.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CONFERENCE ROOM -- NIGHT]
(Everyone sits at the conference table. BRASS prepares to hand out assignments.)
Jim Brass: When we get some free time, try and catch up on your reports. I'm getting a lot of heat from the sheriff's office. There, I said it. Administration, not my favorite thing. All right, here we go. Nick Stokes, 414, trick roll. Victim found drugged and robbed at the scene.
(NICK winces at the assignment.)
Jim Brass: Warrick Brown, 407, home invasion, forced entry. Person reporting crime fired multiple rounds at the suspect. Suspect's condition is ... (BRASS glances up and sees HOLLY.) ... unknown. Anyone seen Catherine Willows?
CUT TO:
[EXT. MINI-VAN (PARKED) -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE parks the car.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE opens the car sliding door. Inside belted in the back seat is LINDSEY WILLOWS.
Catherine Willows: Okay, give me a kiss. Mommy's got to go catch some bad guys.
(CATHERINE kisses LINDSEY.)
Catherine Willows: (to her sister) I'll pick her up in the morning.
Catherine's Sister: Okay.
Catherine Willows: Bye, sis.
Catherine's Sister: Bye.
Catherine Willows: (yells) I love you!
(The car leaves. CATHERINE stands there for a moment, then rushes into the building.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CAPTAIN BRASS' OFFICE - LATER -- NIGHT]
(JIM BRASS is in his office. HOLLY GRIBBS stands in front of his desk.)
Jim Brass: So your mother is Lieutenant Jane Gribbs from Traffic, is that right?
Holly Gribbs: (smiles) Yes, sir.
Jim Brass: Well, Congratulations, Gribbs.
(GRISSOM is also in the office. He takes a seat at the couch. BRASS holds out her file.)
Jim Brass: You're the fifth person I've been forced to hire. We're the number two crime lab in the country. We solve crimes most labs render unsolvable. Now what makes you think you belong here?
(HOLLY glances at GRISSOM. When it's apparent that he's not going to answer for her, HOLLY turns back to BRASS.)
Holly Gribbs: Sir, with all due respect I thought the key to being a lucid crime scene investigator was to reserve judgment until the evidence vindicates or eliminates assumption.
(BRASS glances at GRISSOM and smiles.)
Holly Gribbs: You're prejudging me. I graduated with honors in criminal justice at UNLV.
Jim Brass: (flippantly) Yeah, so?
Holly Gribbs: That's not fair.
Jim Brass: Fair? Well, you think putting a juiced-in Lieutenant's daughter on this shift is fair? You know, I've been in the field 22 years. I've seen it all. I've seen people like you come and go, and you know what? They don't amount to nothing but headaches and bad press. Dismissed.
(BRASS takes a seat at his desk.)
Holly Gribbs: Fine.
(HOLLY leaves the office.)
Gil Grissom: Think you got through to her?
Jim Brass: You're scheduled to appear at an autopsy at 12:30 A.M.
(GRISSOM stands up.)
Jim Brass: They're cutting up that bozo put a hole in his chest. Take her with. I think every new hire should experience an autopsy on their first night.
(GRISSOM turns to leave the office.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK cross under the crime scene tape and make their way to the front of the house.)
[INT. HOME - SUMMERLIN - FOYER -- NIGHT]
(The front double doors and open wide. Sprawled in the middle of the foyer is the d*ad body. CATHERINE looks down at it.)
(She looks up and sees the HUSBAND, WIFE and BABY standing in the middle of the living room. She and WARRICK both put their kits down on the ground as they prepare to get to work. CATHERINE looks up at the WIFE holding the BABY.)
Wife: It's okay, shh.
Catherine Willows: Ma'am ... are you all right?
Husband: She's fine. She's just a little shook up is all.
Warrick Brown: Somebody want to tell us what happened here tonight?
Husband: My wife invited her drunk friend to stay here so he could get back on his feet. Two weeks tops, she says. That was six months ago.
(Quick flashback to: The BABY'S screaming. JIMMY, the friend, sits on the couch laughing and watching tv. The HUSBAND walks into the house and picks up the CHILD.)
Husband: Jimmy, Jimmy! Please take your sweaty feet off the head pillow. They stink.
(JIMMY throws the glass on the floor and it breaks.)
(Cut to: The HUSBAND tosses JIMMY out of the house. Cut to: The HUSBAND hands JIMMY his bags. Cut to: The HUSBAND gives JIMMY some money.)
Husband: (to JIMMY) Here's a 20-- twice as much as you came with. h*t the road.
(Cut to: JIMMY pounds on the closed front door.)
Jimmy: Open up!
(JIMMY grabs the door handles and tries to open the locked doors. He screams at the closed door.)
(Cut to: Inside, The HUSBAND loads his g*n and stares at the front door. JIMMY continues to scream and pound on the door.)
(Cut to: JIMMY takes a step back and kicks the door open. He walks uninvited into the house. The HUSBAND gets the g*n loaded. His WIFE screams.)
(The HUSBAND aims and fires.)
The Husband: Call 911.
(The CHILD cries in the background.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Husband: That was it. I feared for my wife and my baby. Let's put the baby to bed.
(They head out of the room.)
Catherine Willows: What do you think?
Warrick Brown: Oh, he's lying. That's why I took this job. I can always tell when whitey's talking out his ass. It's a gift.
(CATHERINE puts the camera down and looks at WARRICK. She smiles.)
Catherine Willows: It's also your 100th.
Warrick Brown: Yeah, that, too. So tonight you might say I'm extra suspicious.
(CATHERINE takes a picture of the shoe print on the front door.)
Catherine Willows: Why don't you print that tread and see how good you are?
(CATHERINE hands WARRICK a tape. He takes the shoe print. CATHERINE takes another picture of the door. WARRICK crosses over to the door to computer the two.)
(From the side, the HUSBAND watches.)
Husband: Why are you doing that?
Warrick Brown: It's just procedure, sir. We just want to make sure the shoe on the suspect is the same shoe that kicked down your door.
(CATHERINE looks at the shoes and stops.)
Catherine Willows: Wait ... wait a minute.
Warrick Brown: What's the matter?
Catherine Willows: Sir, after you sh*t the deceased, did you move re-dress, or alter the body in any way?
Husband: No, why?
Warrick Brown: Talk to me.
Catherine Willows: The left shoe's tied differently. Sir, in the six months that the victim lived with you did you ever wear his shoes?
Husband: No, why would I do that?
Warrick Brown: You willing to sign a statement to that effect?
Husband: Sure.
Catherine Willows: Sir, what happened to your pinkie toe?
(He glances down at the band-aid on his toe.)
Husband: I tripped over a rattle.
(CATHERINE smiles at the thought.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR. KLAUSBACH pulls the sheet back from the body. HOLLY GRIBBS reacts to the smell and puts the mask on to cover her nose and mouth.)
Gil Grissom: You got to breathe through your ears, Gribbs.
Dr. Klausbach: First d*ad body, Ma'am?
Holly Gribbs: Yes, sir, but I'll be okay. To tell you the truth, he looks fake.
Dr. Klausbach: I hate to put a damper on your night, Grissom but it looks like we got ourselves a homicide after all.
Gil Grissom: You see, if the victim had extended his arms like ... here, I'll show you. Give me your hands.
(HOLLY holds out her hands. GRISSOM grabs them and holds them over the body.)
Gil Grissom: And pushed the trigger with his thumbs, like so ...
Cue Sound: g*n
(Quick CGI to: Top camera view of the body's chest. The camera plunges downward toward the chest and into the chest. The camera pulls back.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) The wound would look like this.
(End of CGI. Resume to present.)
Dr. Klausbach: He's right, honey. This wound's too big. This person was sh*t from six to seven feet away. It's like somebody stood over him and, bam!
(DR. KLAUSBACH holds his hand over the body as if he's holding a g*n with his index finger pointed downward. He 'fires'.)
Cue Sound: g*n
(Quick CGI to: Top camera view of the body's chest. The camera plunges downward toward the chest and into the chest. The camera pulls back.)
Dr. Klausbach: (V.O.) Criminal homicide.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Dr. Klausbach: Let's see what god would have to say.
(DR. KLAUSBACH starts the Y-incision. HOLLY starts to feel queasy. GRISSOM notices her discomfort.)
Gil Grissom: Are you okay?
Holly Gribbs: I'm sorry, sir. I can't take the smell. Oh, god, restroom?
Dr. Klausbach: (points) Right down the hall to your right.
(HOLLY leaves the room.)
Dr. Klausbach: (to GRISSOM) She is cute.
CUT TO:
[HALLWAY]
(HOLLY steps out into the hallway. She desperately looks for the door to the right. She finds it, opens it and enters.)
[INT. CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE - DECOMP AREA -- NIGHT]
(HOLLY shuts the door behind her. It clicks shut. She takes a step forward and throws up in the middle of the floor.)
(She coughs and wipers her mouth.)
(She gets control over herself and straightens. She takes a deep breath and finally realizes where she really is. The room is full of cadavers on gurneys under plastic sheets.)
(HOLLY takes a step toward the door and inadvertently pulls off one of the plastic sheets to the cadaver nearest her. She also realizes that the door is well closed and locked shut.)
CUT BACK TO:
[INT. CSI - FORESNIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(DR. KLAUSBACH continues on with the autopsy with GRISSOM watching. The camera moves a little toward the monitor showing HOLLY in the morgue with the bodies. She's still trying to get the front door open.)
Dr. Klausbach: How soon does the captain want that one out?
(GRISSOM glances at his watch.)
Gil Grissom: Eight hours.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE - DECOMP AREA - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(HOLLY continues to try to get the door open. She's not successful. She turns around and finally sees the uncovered decomposing body on the gurney.)
(She gasps.)
(She turns around and starts pounding on the locked door.
Holly Gribbs: (screaming) Help! Help me!
(She pounds on the door.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM opens the door for her. She rushes out of the room and grabs his arm pulling him into the hallway.)
Holly Gribbs: (gasping) There were bodies. I could feel them breathing. Oh, god!
(GRISSOM puts his arms around HOLLY and holds her.)
Gil Grissom: It's okay, Holly, it's all right.
(He turns around and yells through the glass in the door to the decomposing d*ad bodies on the gurneys inside.)
Gil Grissom: (muffled) You assholes!!
(He turns back to HOLLY. She smiles at the gesture.)
Gil Grissom: There.
FADE TO BLACK
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. DOWNTOWN HOTEL - CORRIDOR -- NIGHT]
(NICK walks down the hallway. He meets up with the HOTEL SECURITY GUARD.)
Nick Stokes: What's up, fellas? We got a call about a trick roll.
Hotel Security Guard: Right there. Room 1413.
(The GUARDS leave. NICK turns to look for ROOM 1413.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL - ROOM 1413 - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(Inside the room, OFFICERS finish taking the statement of the man sitting on the bed in his underwear. As they walk out, NICK STOKES walks in.)
Nick Stokes: (to the OFFICERS) Hey.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick Stokes: Mr. Laferty?
Mr. Laferty: Well, what's left of him, anyway.
(NICK puts his bag down and takes off his jacket.)
Nick Stokes: I'm Nick Stokes, with criminalistics. You mind if I ask you a few questions?
Mr. Laferty: She got everything -- my wallet, my id ... hell, she even got my wedding ring.
Nick Stokes: Did you two have a nightcap? You think she could've slipped you something?
(NICK pulls up a chair and sits down.)
Mr. Laferty: Nah, I can't drink. I got this bum ticker. Look, officer, I ...
Nick Stokes: Nick. You can call me nick.
Mr. Laferty: Nick, I ... I love my wife. We've been married 31 years now. I've never cheated on her before. I come into town for this convention and I'm setting in the lounge minding my own business, when this ... sweet-smelling brunette came up to me and ... next thing I know, she's nibbling on my earlobe and ...
(Quick flashback to: MR. LAFERTY with the BRUNETTE on his arm. They're laughing.)
(Cut to: The BRUNETTE in her underwear comes out of the bathroom. MR. LAFERTY is sitting on the bed in his underwear.)
Mr. Laferty: Well, my goodness. Look at you.
(The BRUNETTE stands in front of him and takes off her top. He starts to nuzzle her breast. She waits.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Mr. Laferty: For a second there, I thought I was your age again.
Nick Stokes: We've been seeing more and more of these the past 48 hours. Let's take a look. Open your eyes wide for me. Sunny side up.
(NICK takes out his flashlight and checks MR. LAFERTY'S eyes.)
Nick Stokes: Now say "ah."
(MR. LAFERTY opens his mouth and says, "ah".)
Mr. Laferty: Ah.
Nick Stokes: Was she hot?
(Mouth open, MR. LAFERTY gives a chuckle and moans at the memory.)
Nick Stokes: Attaboy.
(NICK sits back.)
Nick Stokes: Mr. Laferty, your eyes look okay but I notice some discoloration around the inside of your lips. Have you always had that?
(MR. LAFERTY cranes his neck to look at his lips in the mirror behind NICK.)
Mr. Laferty: No. What the hell is that?
Nick Stokes: I'll swab your gums see if we can find out what made you pass out.
CUT TO:
[EXT. JUNK'S LIQUOR STORE (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(The pathfinder pulls up to the front of the liquor store.)
[INT. PATHFINDER - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM stops the car.)
Gil Grissom: You know, my first robbery solved was a store like this. When we caught the guy, the owner was so happy that he gave me a dozen farm fresh eggs out of his cooler.
Holly Gribbs: You're trying to cheer me up, aren't you?
Gil Grissom: Yes, I am. How am I doing?
Holly Gribbs: Pretty good.
Gil Grissom: Good. Okay, look, this was a routine robbery. Dust for prints, check the videotape take lots of fun photos. I'll be back in about an hour to pick you up.
Holly Gribbs: Okay.
(HOLLY gets out of the car.)
Gil Grissom: If you get done early use channel seven on your walkie.
(GRISSOM pulls out of the parking lot. HOLLY heads inside the liquor store.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(BOE WILSON walks into the lab. WARRICK is at the table looking through a scope.)
Boe Wilson: What's up?
Warrick Brown: Hey, rookie. Hair fibers from the home invasion. Take a look.
(WARRICK stands up and move aside. BOE WILSON sits down and looks through the scope.)
Warrick Brown: Tell me what you see.
SCOPE VIEW: CAMERA VIEW of the hair follicles.
Boe Wilson: I see a lot of things.
Warrick Brown: Look at the end of the follicles.
SCOPE VIEW: ENHANCED CAMERA VIEW of the hair follicles.
Boe Wilson: Oh, yeah, you know, I see, like little tiny seeds or sacs or something.
Warrick Brown: That's pulp when the human hair is yanked out like this.
(WARRICK reaches up and pulls out a strand of BOE WILSON'S hair.)
Boe Wilson: Ow! Damn, man.
(WARRICK shoes the hair end to BOE.)
Warrick Brown: Look, you see the seeds?
(Camera zooms in for a close up of the hair follicle. Resume view.)
Warrick Brown: Hair only comes out in that form when it's yanked or pulled signifying a struggle.
(Something occurs to WARRICK. He puts it down and moves toward the front door.)
Warrick Brown: You know what? I got to go. Tell Grissom, when he gets back I went to homicide to do a follow-up on the husband. Peace.
Boe Wilson: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. JUNK'S (CONVENIENCE STORE) -- NIGHT]
(HOLLY GRIBBS dusts for fingerprints. Behind her the owner of the liquor store appears and starts yelling for her to hurry up.)
Liquor Store Owner: Now, how long is this gonna take? I'm losing business because of you.
Holly Gribbs: Ma'am, I told you, if you let them in it will contaminate the scene.
Liquor Store Owner: Oh, contaminate, my ass! What the hell difference does it make? You ain't gonna catch 'em. You never do.
(HOLLY continues to dust for prints.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK interviews the HUSBAND.)
Warrick: Sir, I'm on your side. I just want to clear you.
Husband: Then clear me. I already told you everything.
Warrick: I understand that. But the evidence is telling us something different. So I'm going to ask you again, just one more time -- before you sh*t the deceased did a struggle ensue?
(Quick flashback to: A woman screams. The HUSBAND holds the g*n up. JIMMY continues to advance forward toward him.)
Husband: I've got a g*n.
(JIMMY grabs the HUSBAND. The two fight. In the struggle, JIMMY'S shoes come off.)
Wife: What are you doing?
(JIMMY throws THE HUSBAND to the floor. JIMMY advances toward them again. THE HUSBAND stands up and fires. THE WIFE shrieks.)
Husband: Call 911.
(When the WIFE goes to call 911, THE HUSBAND looks at the body and notices that the shoes are off. He puts the g*n down and puts the shoes back on JIMMY.)
(In the background, a CHILD cries.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Husband: I must've tied the laces wrong. I'm sorry, I ... I know I should've told you earlier but ... I was nervous. I mean ... I took a man's life here. You don't believe me, do you?
CUT TO:
[INT. JUNK'S (CONVENIENCE STORE) -- NIGHT]
(HOLLY is in the store on her walkie-talkie.)
Holly Gribbs: This is Holly Gribbs requesting backup at Junk's on West Owens, over.
Catherine Willows: (over receiver) This is Catherine Willows. Are you in danger?
Holly Gribbs: Uh, we're getting there.
(In front of HOLLY, the LIQUOR STORE OWNER holds a g*n on her.)
Liquor Store Owner: (screaming) This is my popsicle stand -- I'll defend it to the hilt if I have to!
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB --NIGHT]
(GREG takes NICK'S swab and processes it.)
Greg Sanders: So, this is it, huh? The $8,000 q-tip.
Nick Stokes: Well, you're the chemist. I just need to know what knocked the old man out.
Greg Sanders: In 20 seconds, this'll give us a complete chemical breakdown right down to the atom. But I'm going to warn you, though. These mouth swabs don't always read. Vaginal swabs, no problem. a**l swabs-- money.
Nick Stokes: a**l swabs?
Greg Sanders: a**l swabs.
(NICK sits down in the nearest chair.)
Nick Stokes: Ouch.
(GREG runs the machine and takes a seat next to NICK.)
Nick Stokes: Dude, you get NFL-2K for Dreamcast?
Greg Sanders: Yeah. Bought it the day it came out. Those graphics are k*ller, aren't they? My team's the Falcons. Who do you use?
Nick Stokes: Randy Moss.
(The machine whirs and beeps. GREG takes the results and reads it.)
Nick Stokes: It didn't take, did it?
Greg Sanders: A hint of saliva; some denture adhesive ... that's it.
(GREG hands the swab back to NICK.)
Greg Sanders: Sorry, man.
CUT TO:
[INT. JUNK'S (CONVENIENCE STORE) -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE opens the front door with her g*n drawn.)
Catherine Willows: All right, put the g*n down.
Liquor Store Owner: What? We're getting robbed again now?
(She puts the g*n down on the open cash register. She puts her arms up.)
Catherine Willows: Everything okay here?
Holly Gribbs: Yes, ma'am.
(CATHERINE takes the g*n from the cash register and gives it to HOLLY.)
Catherine Willows: (to radio) Control, Junk's is a code four.
Officer: (from radio) Copy that.
Catherine Willows: You the new girl?
Holly Gribbs: Yeah. Hi, I'm Holly Gribbs.
Catherine Willows: Thanks. I'm Catherine Willows.
Liquor Store Owner: And I'm Lesley Stahl. Look, let's forget the formalities. Which one of you people's gonna clean my counter here?
Catherine Willows: Let me tell you something, Lady -- if you don't care about catching the suspect neither do we. We're out of here. You can pick your g*n up tomorrow.
(CATHERINE turns and heads back out the front door. HOLLY follows her.)
Holly Gribbs: (to CATHERINE) You can do that?
Catherine Willows: (scoffs) No.
(The LIQUOR STORE OWNER shoves the cash register drawer closed. She looks at her hand.)
Liquor Store Owner: Ow!
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM swings the golf club directly down on the head of the gummy on the shelf. The blood attached to the head bursts upon impact leaving spatter against the paper hanging against the wall. GRISSOM kneels to look at the spatter.)
Warrick Brown: Damn!
Gil Grissom: Blunt force trauma case. Bermuda hills country club. Pregnant wife caught her husband in bed with another girl. What do you think? Malicious intent?
Warrick Brown: Little bit, yeah.
(GRISSOM takes a picture of the spatter.)
Warrick Brown: How's it coming?
Gil Grissom: It's coming.
Warrick Brown: Whose blood is that?
Gil Grissom: The new girl's. Would you like to donate?
Warrick Brown: Hell, no.
(GRISSOM takes the record book and sits down behind his desk. He logs into the book.)
Gil Grissom: How'd the follow-up go with the husband? Boe tells me you were onto something.
Warrick Brown: The story's changed a bit. Now he says there was a struggle. Said he stepped on his shoe while they were fighting.
Gil Grissom: You believe him?
Warrick Brown: At first, no but now ... hell, I don't know what to think.
Gil Grissom: You ever see the movie "The Exorcist"?
Warrick Brown: Yeah.
Gil Grissom: The old priest and Father Karras are about to exorcise the demon. Father Karras explains that he's recorded the little girl's voice and he's broken down the spirit into three distinct personalities. But the old priest quickly corrects him -- "there is only one."
(b*at)
Gil Grissom: Forget about the husband, Warrick. Forget about the assumptions. Forget about your promotion. These things will only confuse you. Concentrate on what cannot lie -- the evidence. Follow ... the reason we're having this conversation.
Warrick Brown: (nods) Follow the shoe.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK opens the evidence package and takes out the shoe.)
(He sits down and examines the shoe. After several dissolves, WARRICK opens the lip of the shoe and looks inside. He finds something.)
Warrick Brown: Well, I'll be damned.
(He tips the shoe over and a piece of toe nail falls out onto the table. He picks it up.)
Warrick Brown: Tripped over a rattle, my ass.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB]
(CHARLOTTE, the PRINT LAB Tech, places the tape recorder under the special light, a visible print can be seen.)
Charlotte: Remember this from your su1c1de case? Minute I pulled it, I knew something wasn't right.
(GRISSOM leans in to look at the recorder.)
Charlotte: The impression's perfect -- maybe too perfect.
(She takes the recorder and puts it under the scope for a better view of the print.)
Charlotte: Take a gander.
(CHARLOTTE steps back and lets GRISSOM look through the scope.)
SCOPE VIEW of the print with red dots on it.
Gil Grissom: What are those red particles?
Charlotte: Latex flakes.
(GRISSOM looks at CHARLOTTE.)
Gil Grissom: From what?
Charlotte: Protective gloves, maybe but the way I figure it, this son of a bitch is smart -- probably planted the damn prints. So on a hunch, I chemically tested the flakes. Guess what it was laced with?
(GRISSOM shrugs.)
Charlotte: Lecithin.
Gil Grissom: That chemical's found in cooking spray isn't it?
(CHARLOTTE nods.)
Gil Grissom: (ponders) If latex rubber and cooking spray went on a blind date, how would the night end?
Charlotte: A lot better than ours did.
Gil Grissom: I know, Pink Floyd's not your thing.
Charlotte: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think
"Dark Side of the Moon" synched to the Wizard of Oz is going to warm my damn barn?
Gil Grissom: I just thought it'd be something different.
Charlotte: You want to be different? Pin me up against a wall; lay one on me like you mean it.
(CHARLOTTE gets up and walks past GRISSOM.)
Charlotte: You're slacking, pal.
(She sits down in front of the computer database. The computer beeps and starts running through print comparisons.)
Gil Grissom: How long till we get a h*t?
Charlotte: It could be four minutes, could be four days but you can bet your ass she'll give you something. She always does.
Gil Grissom: "Pin you against a wall?"
(GRISSOM casts CHARLOTTE a sideways glance.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COFFEE SHOP/DINER -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE WILLOWS and HOLLY GRIBBS sit at a table.)
Holly Gribbs: Look, um, I got to be honest. This isn't me. I was pushed into it by my mom. She's a Lieutenant in Traffic. She's never going to get out of traffic so, um, I'm fulfilling her dreams, not mine.
Catherine Willows: I can sit here and I can baby you and I can tell you to quit but I'm not going to do that, because I really love my job. We're just a bunch of kids that are getting paid to work on puzzles. Sometimes there's a piece that's missing. Sometimes we solve it in one night.
Holly Gribbs: So you think I should stick with it?
Catherine Willows: Stick with it? The cops? Forget it. They wouldn't know fingerprints from paw prints and the detectives ... chase the lie. We solve. We restore peace of mind and when you're a victim, that's everything. Stick with it. At least until you solve your first and if after that you don't feel like King Kong on cocaine ... then you can quit, but if you stay with it my hand to god, you will never regret it.
Dispatcher: (over radio) Catherine Willows, cut your lunch short. You got a
428.
Catherine Willows: (to radio) Copy.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CAPTAIN BRASS' OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK BROWN stands in front of JIM BRASS' desk.)
Jim Brass: If you want me to call Judge Cohen at 4:00 in the morning you'd better bring me something more than a damn toenail.
Warrick Brown: Captain, you've got to make that call. If you don't, he'll walk.
Jim Brass: And what do you got? Hair fibers. Big deal. So there was a struggle. I mean, who gives a corn cob? The guy was protecting his wife and kid.
Warrick Brown: I've got the toenail. If I can get a warrant and match the husband's shaving to his toe I can prove that the suspect's foot was inside the victim's shoe. That alone will establish it was m*rder.
Jim Brass: The guy lived there, Warrick! Maybe he put on the victim's sneaker and fetched the paper one morning.
Warrick Brown: I have a sworn statement stating he never wore the victim's shoe.
Jim Brass: You don't even know the toenail was the vic's.
Warrick Brown: It can't be the vic's. He was wearing socks.
Jim Brass: Not good enough.
Warrick Brown: Not good enough?
(BRASS rises from his chair.)
Jim Brass: Look, I said no, Brown, damn it!
(The phone rings. WARRICK turns to leave the office BRASS stops him.)
Jim Brass: Hey, we're not done, Warrick. You stay right there.
(BRASS answers the phone.)
Jim Brass: Criminalistics, Brass.
Gil Grissom: (from phone) We've got a name on the su1c1de case, sir. He's local.
(BRASS looks at WARRICK. They make eye contact and BRASS smirks.)
Jim Brass: He's local, good. I'll phone the judge for a warrant.
(WARRICK gapes at hearing that. BRASS hangs up. Having gotten the response he wanted from WARRICK, BRASS dismisses him.)
Jim Brass: Hey, Warrick, I guess we're all done now. Hey, do you mind closing the door behind you? I got to make an important call.
(WARRICK storms angrily out of the office. He shuts the door behind him.)
Jim Brass: We'll talk about your little foot fetish later.
(BRASS picks up the phone.)
Jim Brass: (to phone) Judge Cohen, please ...
CUT TO:
[EXT. STREET NIGHT]
(OFFICERS surround a damaged vehicle that crashed into the sidewalk in front of a hotel. NICK STOKES walks up to the OFFICERS.)
Officer Smith: A white female, mid-20s. Said she passed out behind the wheel. Thought you might want to check it out.
Nick Stokes: (to OFFICER SMITH) All right. Thanks, brother.
(NICK continues toward the car. He puts his bag down and approaches the driver's window. Inside a groggy woman with a cut on her forehead looks at him.)
Nick Stokes: Hi. Nick Stokes, criminalistics. Mind if I take a look?
(NICK leans in through the open car window.)
Kristy Hopkins: (moans) I don't know what happened. I remember this song that was playing on the radio. I just don't remember passing out.
(NICK raises hi flashlight.)
Nick Stokes: Say "ahhh..."
(She's taken aback by the request.)
Kristy Hopkins: What?
Nick Stokes: You know, ahhh ... (he opens his own mouth) ... ah ... ?
(She laughs. She leans forward, opens her mouth and says "ahh".)
Kristy Hopkins: Ahhh ...
(NICK checks it out.)
Nick Stokes: No discoloration. (She shakes her head.) I don't see anything criminal here.
(NICK straightens and speaks to OFFICER SMITH standing out of camera frame. He points to his forehead.)
Nick Stokes: Take her to the hospital have her checked out.
CUT TO:
[EXT. JUDGE COHEN'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(Sitting inside his car outside JUDGE COHEN'S residence, WARRICK stares at the mansion and sighs.)
Warrick Brown: (mutters) Well, might as well roll the dice; take that ass-whooping.
(He opens the car door and gets out of the car.)
(Behind him, an OFFICER car pulls up the driveway. He siren flicks on and off. WARRICK groans and turns around slowly.)
(The OFFICER car stops. OFFICER ARVINGTON gets out of the car, stands behind the open car door with his g*n drawn.)
Officer Arvington: Police! Put your hands on top of your head and walk backwards towards me.
(WARRICK complies.)
Warrick Brown: I'm ID. Check the badge. I'm from Criminalistics.
Officer Arvington: Keep your mouth shut and follow my instructions.
(In front of WARRICK, the front door opens. JUDGE COHEN walks outside.)
Officer Arvington: Now get down on your knees.
Warrick Brown: I'm not getting down on my knees for anybody. You can sh**t me.
Officer Arvington: I said get down on your knees!
Judge Cohen: Hey! What the hell are you doing? That's Warrick Brown from ID. Put those g*n away.
Officer Arvington: Sorry, Judge, we got a call from a neighbor about a black man outside your house. We responded.
Judge Cohen: All right, you caught him. Congratulations. Clear out of here before you wake the neighbors.
Officer Arvington: Yes, sir. (to radio) Dispatch, please be advised Judge Cohen's residence, a code 4: False alarm.
(WARRICK turns to look at the JUDGE.)
Judge Cohen: Brown, what the hell are you doing?
Warrick Brown: I'm sorry, Judge. Captain Brass wouldn't call you for a search warrant. I got a whopper on the line with a 100-pound test.
Judge Cohen: You got a winner for me?
(WARRICK laughs.)
Judge Cohen: I'll make it worth your while, you give me a name.
Warrick Brown: Favre.
Judge Cohen: Oh, I knew it. Listen, kid, I'll make a deal with you. You put
$5,000 down on the Pack for me I'll give you a blank warrant. All I ask is that you have the ticket in my chambers before kickoff. You do that, I'll square it with your Captain.
Warrick Brown: No problem, Judge.
(They shake hands.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(PAUL MILLANDER looks at the photo.)
Paul Millander: A staged su1c1de?. You're kidding, right? I swear on my kids I've never seen that man before in my life.
Sergeant O'Riley: Then how the hell did your fingerprints wind up at the scene? We talked to the family. The deceased didn't even know any Paul Millander's.
(The door opens.)
Gil Grissom: Oh, I ... hi, Sergeant. Would you mind if I, uh ... ?
Sergeant O'Riley: Oh, you want a whack at him, Grissom be my guest.
(GRISSOM holds out his hand.)
Gil Grissom: Hi, Mr. Millander. (They shake hands.) My name's Gil Grissom.
(GRISSOM sits down.) I work in Criminalistics. May I ask you a few questions?
Paul Millander: Sure.
Gil Grissom: Do you have any hobbies? Make model airplanes, make toys wind chimes for the backyard, that sort of thing?
Paul Millander: No, why?
Gil Grissom: Well, we found some particles of latex on your thumbprint. Would you have any reason to have access to that particular substance?
Paul Millander: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. At-at my job.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOLLOWEIRD -- NIGHT]
(The front door opens in the HOLLOWEIRD Warehouse. GRISSOM, PAUL MILLANDER and SGT. O'RILEY walk inside.)
Gil Grissom: Wow, you made all these?
Paul Millander: Yes, sir, everything from scratch. We mold, carve, shape, paint and authenticate.
Gil Grissom: Excellent work. These seem very real.
Paul Millander: Thanks.
Gil Grissom: You ever make any rubber hands?
Paul Millander: Sure, we do, uh ...
(PAUL MILLANDER looks around, then takes out a box from under the shelf. He pulls out a latex severed hand and gives it to GRISSOM.)
Paul Millander: (proudly) This is our best seller right here. Sold 10,000 of those units last Halloween. Even used my own hand for the mold.
Gil Grissom: These are your prints.
Paul Millander: Yeah, why? What does that mean?
Gil Grissom: It means you're free to go. He's not the guy.
Sergeant O'Riley: Grissom, are you sure?
(GRISSOM looks at the latex hand.)
Gil Grissom: This explains the latex and the lecithin.
(Quick flashback to: The latex hand. Cooking spray is sprayed onto the fingertips.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) You need oil to make a print.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: Anyone who purchased one of these hands could be the k*ller ...
(realizes) ... and what's worse, he's proficient in forensics.
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- MORNING]
(NICK turns the corner and catches up with DR. LEEVER. They walk down the hallway together.)
Nick Stokes: Hey, Dr. Leever!
Dr. Leever: Hey, what's up, man?
Nick Stokes: I got your page.
Dr. Leever: Have you had any trick rolls lately?
Nick Stokes: A ton of 'em. Why?
Dr. Leever: I've had six pros come through the ER in the past two nights all with two distinct similarities. Every girl has been mysteriously knocked unconscious and we found some skin discoloration.
(This stops NICK.)
Nick Stokes: Whoa. whoa. Skin discoloration?
(He turns to look at DR. LEEVER.)
Nick Stokes: Where? Their lips?
Dr. Leever: No, their nipples.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - EXAM ROOM - MORNING -- CONTINUOUS]
(The curtain is pushed aside. KRISTY HOPKINS sits on the exam table. She looks up and sees NICK.)
Nick Stokes: We meet again ... may I see your discoloration?
Kristy Hopkins: You wanna give me 20 bucks?
Nick Stokes: You wanna do time?
(KRISTY HOPKINS looks at NICK and rolls her eyes. She pulls down her dressing gown. NICK pulls the curtain a little closer, then leans in to examine her skin discoloration. When he's through, he looks at her and nods.)
Nick Stokes: You know, I just came from a trick roll downtown. The victim's mouth had similar blotching. Chances are, whatever he ingested orally you absorbed through your nipples knocking you both out. So I'll give you a choice. You give back the old man his belongings, you tell me what you girls are using and I won't have you charged with attempted m*rder.
(She looks at him, surprised.)
Nick Stokes: Which is it?
(She rolls her eyes and sighs. She reaches into her bag, pulls out a small bottle and hands it to NICK.)
Nick Stokes: Eyedrops?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CHEMICAL ANALYSIS DEPARTMENT -- MORNING]
(GREG holds up the eye drop bottle and explains it to NICK.)
Greg Sanders: No, it's scopolamine. It's a chemical used for motion sickness. This eyedrop bottle's a front. One drop of this stuff and she's out cold.
(NICK straightens and smiles.)
(Quick flashback to: In the hotel room, KRISTY HOPKINS adjusts her bra.)
(Cut to: KRISTY HOPKINS stands in front of the bathroom mirror and takes out the eyedrop bottle. She applies the scopolamine to herself.)
(Cut to: Back in the bedroom, she meets with MR. LAFERTY. He admires her. She takes off her bra and he starts to nuzzle her breasts. She waits and it takes a short moment, but he passes out onto the bed.)
(Cut to: While MR. LAFERTY is out cold, KRISTY HOPKINS takes his money and things. She also takes his wedding ring. She pats him on the cheek, then leaves.)
(Cut to: A car driving down the Las Vegas Strip. Inside the car, KRISTY HOPKINS drives. She starts getting woozy, then passes out.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK smiles and covers his face with his hands. He groans, thrilled to have solved the case.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PAIGE HARMON'S RESIDENCE - FOYER -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM stands in front of PAIGE HARMON and GINA HARMON.)
Gil Grissom: We're ruling out su1c1de. The evidence leads us to believe that it was in fact a homicide.
(PAIGE HARMON closes her eyes for a moment. GINA stands behind her, holding back her tears.)
Paige Harmon: Then he was m*rder?
Gil Grissom: I believe so.
(PAIGE HARMON sits down.)
Paige Harmon: You know ... this may sound funny but I feel better knowing that he didn't take his own life. To me that would never sit right. He was such a good man ...
Gil Grissom: We'll find him, Ms. Harmon. I promise you. There is always a clue. I'll find it.
CUT TO:
[INT HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- MORNING]
(CATHERINE turns into the hospital hallway. She sees a NURSE walking toward her.)
(In the background, a phone rings.)
Catherine Willows: Nurse, excuse me. I'm Catherine Willows from Criminalistics and I'm here for the 428.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - MORNING -- CONTINUOUS]
(The door opens. CATHERINE walks into a child's examination room. Sitting on the edge of the bed is a little brown-haired girl holding a doll. The girl buries her face in the doll and doesn't look up when CATHERINE walks in.)
Catherine Willows: Hi, Laura.
(LAURA SCOTT looks up. CATHERINE moves to sit on the other bed, facing LAURA. She puts her kit down next to her.)
Catherine Willows: I'm Catherine. (smiles) How you doin', kiddo?
(LAURA sees CATHERINE'S things and points to it.)
Laura Scott: What's that?
Catherine Willows: Well, that is a camera. I'm gonna take a few photographs. Before I do that, though, could you do me a favor?
(CATHERINE opens the folder she's carrying. Inside there's a Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department: Sexual as*ault Report form.)
Catherine Willows: Could you take a look at this drawing and point out to me ... where he touched you?
(CATHERINE holds out the form for LAURA SCOTT to look at. The little girl looks at the drawing on the form, turns her head and pulls back, not wanting to see it.)
Catherine Willows: Can you just show me?
(LAURA SCOTT points to the drawing on the form. CATHERINE takes the form and starts to work on it.)
Laura Scott: Can you hold my dolly for me?
(CATHERINE looks at LAURA. She puts the folder aside and reaches for the doll.)
Catherine Willows: (smiles) I'd love to.
Laura Scott: Not just hold her. Take her away to your house.
Catherine Willows: To my house? Why?
Laura Scott: Because I don't want the same thing that happened to me to happen to dolly.
(CATHERINE looks down at the doll. She lifts up the dress and sees that the doll has no underwear. CATHERINE flinches. She reaches out for LAURA.)
Catherine Willows: It's okay.
(LAURA flinches and pulls away. CATHERINE pulls back.)
Catherine Willows: It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- BRASS' OFFICE - MORNING]]
(BRASS is in his office with WARRICK.)
Jim Brass: (angry) You're off the case.
Warrick Brown: What? Why?
Jim Brass: Why? You deliberately went over my head, Brown. The phone call from the judge saved your job, but not your ass! I want you shadowing Gribbs. A robbery just came in.
Warrick Brown: Captain. You can't do that. Me and Nick are tied!
Jim Brass: Tough! Grissom!
(From the hallway, GRISSOM looks up.)
Jim Brass: Have Warrick shadow Gribbs for the next three weeks or until Nickie makes his hundredth, whatever comes first.
(WARRICK takes a step forward and puts his finger in BRASS' face.)
Warrick Brown: I hate your ass, you know that? People walk every day because of you-- every day!
(GRISSOM grabs WARRICK and pulls him out of the office.)
Gil Grissom: That's enough, Warrick. Let's go!
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - MORNING -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK storms out into the hallway madder than heck. He turns around to look at GRISSOM.)
Warrick Brown: Damn it, Gris. I had his ass too!
Gil Grissom: Yes, you had him and the minute you started thinking about yourself instead of the case, you lost him. There is no room for subjectivity in this department, Warrick. You know that. We handle each case objectively without presupposition regardless of race, color, creed, or bubble gum flavor.
(GRISSOM stares at WARRICK. He puts a hand on his shoulder for emphasis.)
Gil Grissom: Okay?
(WARRICK nods. GRISSOM turns and heads back into his office.)
(After a moment, WARRICK turns around and sees HOLLY GRIBBS standing at the edge of the hallway with her kit and things.)
(WARRICK calms down a bit, then walks toward HOLLY.)
Warrick Brown: Let's go.
(They turn to head out.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PATHFINDER (MOVING) -- MORNING]
(The Pathfinder turns the corner and stops in front of the MLK apartments.)
Holly Gribbs: Sorry you gotta baby-sit.
(HOLLY takes off her seat belt.)
Warrick Brown: Yeah, I'm sorry too. (to walkie-talkie) Control, p-4442 arrive.
Control: (from radio) Copy that.
Warrick: Okay, go inside. Dust for prints. Make sure you take plenty of photographs ...
Holly Gribbs: photographs. Be thorough. Don't worry. I got the same speech from Mr. Grissom.
Warrick Brown: Good. Look, I gotta run an errand. You'll be okay on your own?
Holly Gribbs: You kidding? I'm fired up, ready to go. (She nods to the officer car parked nearby.) Besides, there's an officer here.
(HOLLY opens the door and leaves the car. WARRICK starts the car and drives off. HOLLY looks at the apartment building, takes a deep breath and heads toward it.)
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) KNOCKING
CUT TO:
[INT. RESIDENCE - SUMMERLIN - FRONT PORCH -- MORNING]
(The door opens and GRISSOM is standing there.)
Gil Grissom: Morning. Gil Grissom, forensics. I'm taking over the case for Warrick Brown. Mind if I come in?
Husband: (sighs) How can I help you?
Gil Grissom: I need to give you a pedicure.
Husband: Come again?
(GRISSOM holds up the warrant.)
Gil Grissom: I have a warrant for your toenails.
[LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
(The HUSBAND walks into the living room holding the warrant.)
Husband: A warrant? What? Am I a suspect? I already gave you a sworn statement.
Gil Grissom: A statement's just a public record of your version. We still need proof.
(Behind him, the WIFE appears in the living room securing the tie on her robe. The HUSBAND turns and glances back at her.
Husband: Well, I'd love to help you, but I already cut them.
Gil Grissom: May I see where you discarded the clippings?
Husband: I flushed them down the toilet.
Gil Grissom: May I see your toilet?
CUT TO:
[BATHROOM]
(The bathroom door opens. GRISSOM turns on the light. He walks inside and looks down at the toilet. He lifts the seat and kneels down to examine it closer. GRISSOM stands up again.)
Gil Grissom: I'll be right back.
(GRISSOM walks out of the bathroom, past the HUSBAND.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
(GRISSOM turns the bathroom light off. He puts the ALS down on the bathroom floor. He turns it on and puts on his goggles.)
(Standing in the doorway behind him, the HUSBAND watches.)
(GRISSOM glances around at him.)
Gil Grissom: Excuse me.
(He shuts the bathroom door. He kneels down and gets to work. He uses the ALS and scours the floor around the toilet looking for a stray nail clipping. He finds it and picks it up.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. CATHERINE'S SISTER'S HOUSE -- MORNING]
(CATHERINE pulls up in the driveway in her SUV. She gets out of the car and talks into the radio.)
Catherine Willows: (to radio) Control, this is p-3901. I'm going to be on break for about fifteen minutes.
CUT TO:
[INT. CATHERINE'S SISTER'S HOUSE - BEDROOM -- MORNING]
(LINDSEY WILLOWS slowly sits up in bed. She rubs her eyes.)
Lindsey Willows: Mommy?
(In the bedroom doorway, CATHERINE smiles at her daughter.)
Catherine Willows: Shh.
(CATHERINE walks into the bedroom.)
Catherine Willows: (whispers) We don't want to wake up Jeremy.
(CATHERINE kneels in front of her daughter's bed.)
Lindsey Willows: Mommy, what's wrong?
Catherine Willows: Mommy just kind of had a rough night. I couldn't drive here fast enough to tell you how much I love you.
Lindsey Willows: I know, mommy. I love you, too.
(They hug each other.)
CUT TO:
[SCOPE VIEW]
(Two nail clippings are laid out side by side and they don't match. Resume view.)
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM is looking through the scope.)
Gil Grissom: Nope, loser. Give me the next item up for bid.
(BOE WILSON takes out the next clipping from the bindle. He puts the next sample out on the scope for GRISSOM to look at.)
Boe Wilson: It's nasty.
Gil Grissom: No, striation. Whenever two objects are broken there occurs what we call striae -- two unique connecting points. If I can match the nail in the sneaker to the suspect's clippings ...
[SCOPE VIEW]
(The two nail clippings match. Resume view.)
Gil Grissom: Alcatraz!
Boe Wilson: The brother was right, wasn't he?!
Gil Grissom: (smiling) Uh-huh!
Boe Wilson: (excited) Yeah!
Gil Grissom: Careful, Boe, you'll hurt your back.
CUT TO:
[EXT. THE PARLAY HUT -- MORNING]
(WARRICK pulls up the pathfinder along side the Parlay Hut.)
Clerk: What's up, man?
Warrick Brown: Gimme Packers.
Clerk: One second ...
Gil Grissom: (over radio) Warrick, come in.
Warrick Brown: (to radio) This is Warrick. Go ahead.
Gil Grissom: (over radio) It's Grissom. We got him.
Warrick Brown: (to radio) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, yeah! I'll be right there.
Clerk: Who do you want now?
Warrick Brown: Gimmie Niners for five dimes.
(WARRICK hands the CLERK a stack of cash.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. RESIDENCE - SUMMERLIN - FRONT - DAY]
(OFFICERS lead the HUSBAND in handcuffs out of the house. He looks around and sees ... )
SLOW MOTION CAMERA
(... GRISSOM and WARRICK standing on the side watching him.)
(Quick flashback to: )
[INT. RESIDENCE - SUMMERLIN - (FLASHBACK) - FOYER -- NIGHT]
(The HUSBAND loads his w*apon. Outside through the front door, JIMMY is yelling.)
Jimmy: (through the door) Open up!
Husband: (to his wife) Open the door ...
Wife: (nervously) What are you gonna do?
Husband: Don't ask questions. Just open the door.
Jimmy: (through the door) You son of a bitch!
(The WIFE opens the door. JIMMY walks into the foyer. The HUSBAND raises his g*n and fires multiple times. JIMMY falls to the ground.)
(The HUSBAND steps up to JIMMY to make sure he's d*ad. He puts his g*n down on the floor and removes JIMMY'S left shoe. He takes his own loafers off and puts the shoe on.)
(Quick CGI to: Close up of the HUSBAND'S foot going into the shoe, rubbing against the inside and his toenail breaking. End of CGI. Resume to flashback.)
Husband: Call 911.
(The HUSBAND steps over to the door. His WIFE doesn't move.)
Husband: Do it!
(The WIFE moves to make the phone call. The HUSBAND steps outside and closes the doors. He locks the door, then kicks it open.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM and WARRICK stand on the side watching the OFFICERS take The HUSBAND away.)
(The HUSBAND looks at GRISSOM and WARRICK.)
RESUME MOTION:
(The OFFICERS take The HUSBAND to the car.)
(Realizing something, GRISSOM turns to WARRICK.)
Gil Grissom: Hey, weren't you supposed to be shadowing Holly?
Warrick Brown: Oh, she's cool. She's doing prints on that 407. There's an officer there.
(WARRICK puts on his dark glasses.)
Warrick Brown: I'm out.
CUT TO:
[INT. MARTIN LUTHER KING (MLK) RESIDENCE -- MORNING]
(HOLLY GRIBBS stands over the desk dusting the telephone for prints.)
(Behind her, someone enters the room and sees her dusting alone. HOLLY wipes the sweat from her forehead.)
Jerrod Cooper: Excuse me, ma'am.
(HOLLY turns around.)
Holly Gribbs: Hi. Uh... can I help you?
Jerrod Cooper: I'm the neighbor from across the way and I just saw a cop car leave. Is everything okay?
Holly Gribbs: Yeah, we had a robbery, but everything's fine.
Jerrod Cooper: (nods) Oh, okay.
(HOLLY turns around to resume working. JERROD COOPER doesn't leave.)
(The camera moves behind him and shows him reaching for the g*n tucked in the back of his jeans' waistband.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL - MR. LAFERTY'S ROOM 1413 -- MORNING]
Cue Sound: KNOCKING
(MR. LAFERTY opens the door. NICK is standing there holding up a paper package tied around the top with crime scene tape.)
Nick Stokes: Room service.
Mr. Laferty: You're kidding me.
(MR. LAFERTY takes the package as NICK smiles at him. He opens the package and finds his wallet and other missing things.)
Mr. Laferty: My stuff! You found my stuff!
Nick Stokes: Yeah, yeah, your wallet, your cash, credit cards ...
(NICK holds out the ... )
Nick Stokes: ... wedding ring ...
(MR. LAFERTY looks at it and sighs with relief.)
Mr. Laferty: Oh, thank god.
(He grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Nick Stokes: Okay, next time you wanna take a sh*t go to the dice table. At least if you crap out, you can go home broke instead of busted, you know what I mean?
Mr. Laferty: I sure do. Thank you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM dangles NICK'S new ID badge in front of him.)
Gil Grissom: Congratulations, Nickie, my boy. You are now a C.S.I. Level 3.
Nick Stokes: Whoo!
Warrick Brown: Good job, Nick.
Nick Stokes: Thanks. Uh, hey, Warrick, listen I heard about the whole thing with the shoe and ...
Warrick Brown: Forget it, man. It's all you.
(WARRICK stands up and they shake hands.)
Nick Stokes: Thanks.
Warrick: All right.
Catherine Willows: Let's get some breakfast. It's on me!
(BRASS appears in the doorway and sighs.)
Jim Brass: (gravely) Sorry to break up your party but I need grave to pull a double. Holly Gribbs has been sh*t. She's in surgery now. Apparently the suspect returned to the scene. They don't think she's gonna make it. Brown, I'm putting you on administrative leave pending a full report of your whereabouts. So wash your face and change your socks. You have a long day ahead of you.
(BRASS turns and leaves the room.)
(WARRICK sighs.)
(CAMERA holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"} | foreverdreaming |
Narrator (William Petersen): Previously on C.S.I. ...
[Scenes from 1X01: Pilot]
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(HOLLY GRIBBS gasps and jumps in surprise.)
Gil Grissom: Hi, sorry. Welcome to Forensics. Gil Grissom, I'm your supervisor on grayayard.
Holly Gribbs: Holly Gribbs.
(The shake hands. She exhales with relief and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JIM BRASS' OFFICE - NIGHT]
(In CAPT JIM BRASS' office, GRISSOM takes a seat on the couch near the window, HOLLY remains standing in front of his desk.)
Jim Brass: (angry) Well, congratulations, Gribbs. You're the fifth person I've been forced to hire.
Holly Gribbs: Well, that's not fair.
Jim Brass: Putting a juiced-in Lieutenant's daughter on the shift is fair?
CUT TO:
[INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT]
Holly Gribbs: I'm fulfilling her dreams, not mine.
Catherine Willows: I can sit here, and I can baby you and I can tell you to quit, but I'm not going to do that at least until you've solved your first, and if, after that, you don't feel like King Kong on cocaine, then you can quit.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BRASS' OFFICE - MORNING]
Jim Brass: Grissom!
(GRISSOM, standing out in the hallway, turns and heads for the office.)
Jim Brass: Have Warrick shadow Gribbs for the next three weeks or until Nicky makes his 100th, whatever comes first.
Warrick: People walk every day because of you.
Gil Grissom: That's enough. Warrick, let's go!
CUT TO:
[HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM talks with WARRICK
Gil Grissom: The minute you started thinking about yourself instead of the case, you lost him.
CUT TO:
[INT. PATHFINDER - MORNING]
Warrick Brown: You be okay on your own?
Holly Gribbs: Are you kidding? I'm fired up, ready to go. Besides, there's an officer here.
CUT TO:
[EXT. JUDGE COHEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT]
Warrick Brown: I'm sorry, Judge. Captain Brass wouldn't call you for a search warrant. I got a whopper on the line with a 100 pound test.
Judge Cohen: You got a winner for me?
Warrick Brown: Favre.
Judge Cohen: You put $5,000 down on the Pack for me I'll give you a blank warrant.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
Gil Grissom: Congratulations, Nicky, my boy. You are now a C.S.I. Level three.
Nick Stokes: Woo!
CUT TO:
[INT. PATHFINDER OUTSIDE THE PARLAY HUT - MORNING]
Warrick Brown: (to radio) Woo-hoo! Yeah! I'll be right there.
(He puts the radio down.)
Warrick Brown: Uh, give me 'Niners for five dimes.
(WARRICK hands the CLERK a stack of cash.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. RESIDENCE - SUMMERLIN - DAY]
(Just after they arrested the HUSBAND and while GRISSOM and WARRICK stand out in the front yard watching the arrest.)
Gil Grissom: Weren't you supposed to be shadowing holly?
Warrick Brown: Oh. She's cool. She's doing prints on that 4-0-7. There's an officer there.
CUT TO:
[INT. MARTIN LUTHER KING RESIDENCE - MORNING]
(HOLLY is dusting for prints.)
Jerrod Cooper: Excuse me, miss.
(She gasps and turns around.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - MORNING]
Jim Brass: Holly Gribbs has been sh*t. They don't think she's going to make it.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON:
FADE IN.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. HOTEL CASINO - MAIN FLOOR -- NIGHT]
(The camera pans around the busy casino floor.)
(A Young Man and Young Woman hesitantly walk along the casino floor. JAMIE spots the large $40 Million MegaMillion Jackpot sign.)
Jamie: Hey, look. Oh, $40 million. Could you imagine?
Ted Sallenger: Never happen. You got a better chance of going to the moon.
Jamie: Oh, give me a $20. Hurry! I just got a premonition.
Ted Sallenger: You got your own money. Go play.
Jamie: But I left my purse in the room.
(TED SALLENGER takes out a twenty, but doesn't give it to her.)
Ted Sallenger: I'll play. Wait here.
(He sighs and heads for the slot machine.)
Clerk: (to TED) Is this your slot card?
Ted Sallenger: No.
(The CLERK takes the card and leaves. TED looks over at JAMIE and without looking, turns the handle to the machine. JAMIE cranes her neck from the side to see his results.)
(TED turns the handle again.)
Ted Sallenger: Your little premonition has cost me $20. Happy now? Here.
(For a third time, TED turns the handle again. Without even looking or waiting for it to stop, TED leaves the machine and heads back to JAMIE.)
Ted Sallenger: (sarcastically) Watch out. Here come the millions.
(JAMIE watches as the machine stops on the three jackpot dollar signs. She starts screaming with excitement.)
Jamie: (pointing and screaming) Oh, my God!
(Sirens start blaring. JAMIE jumps into TED'S arms.)
(The sirens continue to blare and JAMIE screams.)
Jamie: We won!
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - MAIN CASINO AREA - LATER]
(TED holds up a large check for $40,002,349.00 over his head. JAMIE stands next to TED. She's still screaming with excitement. TED shakes the Hotel Owner's hand.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CORRIDOR - HOTEL MONACO -- NIGHT]
(ELIAS leads TED SALLENGER and JAMIE down the hallway toward their room.)
Elias Templeton: $40 million. You'll be having lobster tonight.
(TED tries to put the card key in the lock, but can't do it.)
Jamie: (puts her arms around TED) They gave us the presidential suite. Can you believe it?
Elias Templeton: Here, Richard Gere, why don't you let me help you with that?
(ELIAS chuckles, then opens the room door. The lock beeps and the door opens.)
Ted Sallenger: Thank you.
(JAMIE rushes into the room. TED takes the large promotional check from ELIAS and follows her inside.)
[INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT]
(JAMIE runs across the room for the balcony. TED puts the fake check aside and takes off his t-shirt.)
Jamie: Oh! Look at our view!
(JAMIE opens the balcony doors and looks outside. TED joins her and stops behind her.)
Jamie: Wow!
[EXT. BALCONY - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT]
Ted Sallenger: (quietly) Take a hike.
(JAMIE can't believe what she just heard.)
Ted Sallenger: Get lost.
(She turns around to look at TED.)
Jamie: Excuse me?
Ted: Come on, Jamie. I'm a millionaire now. Now, why would I want to waste anymore time with you?
(There's a knock at the front door. They both turn to look at the door.)
Voice Outside: (o.s.) Room service?
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - MORNING]
[EXT. HOTEL MONACO - FRONT SIDEWALK - MORNING]
(GRISSOM approaches the scene. He's on the phone.)
Gil Grissom: (to phone) All right, the minute you hear anything on Holly Gribbs's condition I want you to page me.
(He ducks under the crime scene tape.)
Gil Grissom: (to phone) All right? Bye.
(He hangs up.)
Dispatcher: (from b.g. radio) ... Call back at 4-7-7 Desert Inn Road.
Gil Grissom: So he pulled a "Louganis", huh?
Detective Barns: Yeah, 150 feet. The giga-millions curse strikes again. Past four winners ended up d*ad or missing. What do you think, Grissom? It's a conspiracy.
Gil Grissom: Coincidence. I worked those four cases. There was never any evidence of foul play. Was he in town with anybody?
Detective Barns: His girlfriend. She's upstairs in police custody. Do you want to talk to her?
Gil Grissom: Not yet. Right now, I want to talk to him.
Detective Barns: How do you talk to a d*ad body?
(GRISSOM moves in closer to the body and kneels down to look at it.)
Gil Grissom: I let him talk to me, actually.
(He pulls off his dark glasses and reaches out for something next to the body.)
Gil Grissom: In fact, he just spoke. Didn't you hear him? He just told me that he didn't commit su1c1de.
(GRISSOM holds up a pair of broken glasses.)
Detective Barns: No. You-you lost me.
Gil Grissom: This guy fell to his death wearing prescription eyeglasses. Jumpers take their glasses off. su1c1de is the ultimate form of selfishness, Detective. It's unlikely that anyone cowardly enough to take his own life would be brave enough to watch his own death.
Detective Barns: (laughs) You can tell all that just by looking at a pair of eyeglasses?
Gil Grissom: You have no idea.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI -- RECEPTION AREA -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM walks in past the receptionist. More out of habit, then really expecting anything, GRISSOM asks for his messages and continues walking past the receptionist.)
Gil Grissom: Messages?
(Without a word, The Receptionist reaches for the stack of white telephone messages slips in front of her. GRISSOM stops, surprised. He takes them and leafs through them. He heads on down the hallway.)
(As he passes by people in the hallway and inside the labs, they look up and stare at GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(In his office, BRASS has cleared out his desk. On it is a file box. GRISSOM appears in the doorway.)
Gil Grissom: I just got off the phone with the Sheriff. He says he wants me to run the unit.
Jim Brass: You're the boss.
(GRISSOM walks into the office.)
Jim Brass: I mean, I can't say I didn't do it to myself.
Gil Grissom: Where are they going to place you?
Jim Brass: Homicide. Believe that?
(He chuckles humorlessly.)
Jim Brass: Instead of moving up, I'm moving back in a time capsule, like it's
1979 again. So, I guess, this might put you and me at odds.
(BRASS picks up his box and starts toward the door.)
Gil Grissom: Cop versus scientist. Interesting, huh?
(BRASS stops and looks at GRISSOM.)
Jim Brass: (nods quietly) Yeah.
(BRASS continues to head toward the door carrying his file box.)
Gil Grissom: You got any advice for me?
Jim Brass: Yeah, cover your ass ... and hide. They're all yours, pal.
(With his file box in his hands, JIM BRASS walks out of the office.)
CUT TO:
[TELEVISION SCREEN NEWS REPORT]
Paula Francis: (on tv) Tragedy struck early this morning when an on-duty Las Vegas Criminalist was brutally g*n down.
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - MORNING]
(CATHERINE and NICK stand in front of the television set watching the news report.)
Paula Francis: (on tv) It was her first night on the job. Victim Holly Gribbs was investigating a robbery/homicide in an apartment on the corner of M.L.K. and Warm Springs.
(WARRICK sits off to the side. He's also listening to the news report.)
Paula Francis: (on tv) The crime lab now faces the daunting task of investigating the sh**ting of one of their own. The wounded C.S.I. has been taken to Desert Palm where she is listed in critical condition. The suspect is still at large.
Newscaster (male): (b.g.) In other news ...
(CATHERINE turns around to look at WARRICK. NICK also turns around.)
Catherine Willows: Weren't you supposed to be shadowing Holly?
Nick Stokes: Warrick, man, what happened?
Warrick Brown: I left her to hook up with Grissom on that toenail case ... and then, I came back here.
Catherine Willows: You left Holly solo?
Warrick Brown: It was just supposed to be an easy print job. Look, I feel bad enough, okay?
(The door to the break room opens and GRISSOM walks in.)
Gil Grissom: Here's what we know. Brass assigned Warrick to shadow Holly on a robbery.
(GRISSOM heads for the coffee pot to pour himself a cup of coffee. In his other hand, he holds the assignment sheets.)
Gil Grissom: He left her at the scene. The suspect returned and Holly was sh*t. The sheriff phoned me earlier this morning. Brass has been moved back to homicide.
Nick Stokes: Who's going to run the unit?
Gil Grissom: For now? Me.
(CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM.)
Gil Grissom: (looking at CATHERINE) I know. We'll just play it by ear, okay?
(GRISSOM turns his head to look at WARRICK and it's the first that we notice that WARRICK is standing way on the other side of the break room, separate from the others.)
Gil Grissom: All right. Last night, a jackpot winner took a swan dive off the Hotel Monaco about the time Holly was sh*t. I'm going to work the leaper. Nick?
Nick Stokes: (stands up) Yes, sir.
Gil Grissom: You work the Holly case.
(GRISSOM gives the assignment sheet to NICK.)
Catherine Willows: Wait a minute. Uh, you-you can't give him the Holly case. I mean, all due respect, Nick. I want this one.
Gil Grissom: Nicky is the only one that didn't have any personal contact with Holly. I don't want you on this, Cath.
Catherine Willows: Why?
Gil Grissom: Because you're emotionally involved.
Catherine Willows: Yeah. She was going to walk. I convinced her to stay. If anyone's to blame here, it's me, and I want this case.
(CATHERINE grabs the assignment sheet from NICK.)
Catherine Willows: f*re me.
Gil Grissom: I'm not f*ring anybody. Look. I know we're pulling a double. We're on edge 'cause of Holly. I just want everyone to stay calm and to do their jobs for the next ten hours. And as of now we're short of help. So, I'm bringing in Sara Sidle to give us a hand.
Catherine Willows: Sara Sidle?
Warrick Brown: Who's that?
Gil Grissom: She's a CSI out of San Francisco. She's a friend of mine, someone I trust. She's going to handle our internal investigation and I want to keep this in-house. I don't want I.A. Involved.
(NICK nods his head.)
Catherine Willows: (shakes her head) Great, that's just what we need, somebody sniffing around.
(CATHERINE leaves the room.)
Gil Grissom: Nicky, you can back me up on the D.B. at the Monaco.
(GRISSOM hands the second assignment sheet to NICK.)
Nick Stokes: You got it.
Gil Grissom: That's it.
(NICK glances up at WARRICK. He doesn't say anything and leaves the room.)
Warrick Brown: That's it? What about me?
Gil Grissom: You're on leave. You get some personal time.
Warrick Brown: I don't want any personal time. I want to help. You're the boss now. You can reinstate me.
Gil Grissom: Go home, Warrick. Get your story straight before Sara gets here.
(GRISSOM turns to leave the room. Camera holds on WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. MARTIN LUTHER KING (MLK) APARTMENTS -- DAY]
(The OFFICER opens the apartment door. CATHERINE walks inside with her kits.)
Catherine Willows: A little late for the brigade.
Officer: What do you think happened here?
(CATHERINE looks around.)
Catherine Willows: First blush?
(Quick flashback to: JERROD COOPER reaches for his g*n tucked in the back waist band of his jeans. In front of him, HOLLY GRIBBS turns and continues to dust for prints near the window.)
Jerrod Cooper: (muffled) Don't move.
(HOLLY turns around at the intrusion. She puts her hands up.)
Holly Gribbs: Hey, it's okay. I'm not a cop. I just ... I just analyze the scene.
(JERROD COOPER raises the g*n and fires. HOLLY falls down. She hits the couch and the table, bringing the phone down to the floor with her.)
(HOLLY is on the floor. She exhales.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE picks up the g*n on the floor and looks at it.)
Catherine Willows: This is Holly's g*n.
(CATHERINE checks the b*ll*ts.)
Catherine Willows: She sh*t back.
(A pager beeps catching CATHERINE'S attention. She looks around and finds the pager under the couch.)
(She looks at the display. It reads: LOW BATTERY.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS goes over the body with GRISSOM and NICK.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: He's all rigored up. Now pull it like a slot machine. It's been three weeks since my last jumper. At least this one died a millionaire.
(GRISSOM manages to move the arm. He looks at the markings on TED SALLENGER'S inner wrist.)
Gil Grissom: Geez, these look like defensive wounds, maybe.
Nick Stokes: Somebody came after this guy with something pretty sharp.
Gil Grissom: You have any idea what it might be?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Glass, maybe. We found tiny shards in the incised wound.
(She comes up behind GRISSOM and takes out a piece of glass from the wound to show GRISSOM.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Take a look.
Gil Grissom: Not just glass ...
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the piece of glass.)
Gil Grissom: ... black glass.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CASINO (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK walk into the Presidential Suite. GRISSOM puts his kit down. NICK looks around.)
Nick Stokes: Broken glass.
(GRISSOM looks down and around.)
Gil Grissom: Blood drops, leading to ... bloody towels. No effort to hide.
Nick Stokes: Hey!
(NICK kneels in front of the couch and holds a broken champagne bottle neck. GRISSOM walks over to take a look.)
Nick Stokes: Defensive wounds.
Gil Grissom: Champagne bottle. Black glass. I missed that.
(NICK stands up and looks at GRISSOM.)
Nick Stokes: What do you think, boss?
Gil Grissom: You're C.S.I. three, now. You call it.
Nick Stokes: What? You want me to play it blind?
Gil Grissom: You've read the woman's statement. The room is full of evidentiary clues.
(GRISSOM backs away and takes a seat.)
Gil Grissom: Talk it out. What does the room say?
(NICK looks around.)
Nick Stokes: Okay. Well, according to the girlfriend's statement they were on the balcony when they had a lovers' quarrel.
(Quick flashback to: TED and JAMIE are on the balcony arguing.)
Ted Sallenger: Come on, Jamie. I'm a millionaire now. Now, why would I want to waste any more time with you?
(There's a knock at the door.)
(The camera pans around quickly to the door and lands on ... )
(End of flashback. Resume to ... )
(... NICK. NICK points to the door.)
Nick Stokes: ... room service.
(Quick flashback to: A cart is wheeled into the room.)
Ted Sallenger: Thank you.
Bellboy: You're welcome.
(TED SALLENGER calmly pours himself a glass of champagne.)
Jamie: (crying) So what was I this whole time, huh? Just someone to bang?
Ted Sallenger: Yeah.
(JAMIE grabs the champagne bottle and breaks it against the cart. She att*cks TED with the broken bottle.)
Jamie: (screams) Why?
(TED fights to defend himself. He pushes her back and she falls against the couch. TED turns to attend to his bleeding arm.)
Ted Sallenger: Crazy broad!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) And then what happened?
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK interview JAMIE.)
Jamie: He took off. I cut him up pretty good. He probably went to the lobby to fetch some first aid.
Gil Grissom: And he never came back to the room?
Jamie: No.
Gil Grissom: You sure? The Presidential Suite at the Hotel Monaco is a secured room. They keep a log. Every time someone enters with a card key ...
Jamie: Well, if they keep a record check it for yourself. Why are you bothering me?
Gil Grissom: Nicky, what does the log say?
Nick Stokes: Well, she's right. The only entry I see here is when hotel security checked them in.
Jamie: Can I go now?
Gil Grissom: Yes, ma'am.
(JAMIE stands up and heads for the door. She stops when NICK reaches over for the door knob to open the door for her. JAMIE leaves the interview room.)
Gil Grissom: Her story checks out.
(The door shuts.)
Gil Grissom: She doesn't have any financial motive. She was his girlfriend, not his wife. Any money won by the deceased goes directly to the family estate.
Nick Stokes: Well, if he didn't fall from his own balcony where else could it have happened?
(They think about it. GRISSOM looks at NICK.)
Gil Grissom: The roof.
(NICK and GRISSOM head out of the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(WARRICK is on his cell phone, pacing the floor.)
Warrick Brown: (to phone) Yeah, uh, Emergency Room, please. (pause)
Patient's name is Holly Gribbs. (to phone) Thanks.
(WARRICK hangs up.)
Warrick Brown: (to phone) Warrick here.
Judge Cohen: (from phone) Warrick, Judge Cohen. You bet the wrong team, you idiot.
INTERCUT WITH:
[EXT. FOUNTAIN - DAY]
Judge Cohen: (to phone) I said Packers. I got the 49ers for five grand. The spot in fifteen minutes.
(Camera holds on WARRICK.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. HOTEL MONACO - ROOFTOP-- DAY]
(On the rooftop, GRISSOM and NICK are setting up for their experiment. NICK kneels in front of a large bag of somethings.)
Gil Grissom: Okay, I think we're ready for Operation Norman.
(He dusts himself off as he stands.)
Gil Grissom: (to NICK) You'll never get that off. It's Meyer's roof dust. All the hotels use it now. It diverts the sun's rays. Keeps the utility bills down in the summer.
Nick Stokes: Yeah? How do you know all this crap?
Gil Grissom: It's our job to know stuff.
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOTEL MONACO - FRONT SIDEWALK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(Standing down below on the sidewalk in front of the Hotel Monaco, GRISSOM looks up at the roof and speaks into the walkie-talkie. Behind him, a large crowd of spectators gather just beyond the crime scene tape.)
Gil Grissom: (to radio) All right, Nick, standing by for Operation Norman. Let him fly.
(The first crash dummy "body" flies off of the rooftop and crashes to the sidewalk in front of GRISSOM with a thud.)
Spectator (male): Oh!
(The large crowd of spectators applaud. GRISSOM looks up and around at them, surprised by their reaction.)
(The second crash dummy flies off of the rooftop and onto the sidewalk below. The crowd cheers.)
(The third and final crash dummy flies off of the rooftop and lands with a thud. The crowd applauds.)
(GRISSOM raises his hand and acknowledges them as he walks toward the dummies.)
Gil Grissom: Yes, yes.
(GRISSOM raises his camera.)
Gil Grissom: Norman "pushed".
(He takes pictures of the dummy. He turns to snap photos of the second dummy.)
Gil Grissom: Norman "jumped".
(GRISSOM takes pictures of the third dummy.)
Gil Grissom: Norman "fell".
Sara Sidle: (o.s.) Wouldn't you if you were married to Mrs. Roper?
(At the sound of her voice, GRISSOM puts the camera down. Behind him, SARA puts her bag down on the ground, a huge grin on her face.)
Gil Grissom: I don't even have to turn around. Sara Sidle.
Sara Sidle: That's me. Still tossing simulation dummies? There are other ways to tell, you know?
Gil Grissom: How? Computer simulation? No thanks. I'm a scientist I like to see it. Newton dropped the apple, I drop dummies.
Sara Sidle: You're old school.
Gil Grissom: Exactly. And this guy was pushed.
(SARA'S faces changes, as she as talks about more serious issues.)
Sara Sidle: How's the girl?
Gil Grissom: She's still in surgery. She's not doing very well.
Sara Sidle: That's too bad.
Gil Grissom: God, Sara, I have so many unanswered "why"s.
Sara Sidle: There's only one why that matters now. Why did Warrick Brown leave that scene?
CUT TO:
[EXT. "THE SPOT" PARKING STRUCTURE -- DAY]
(WARRICK walks across the parking garage up to a moving car that stops in front of him.)
Judge Cohen: What are you, dyslexic? You owe me ten grand, buddy.
(JUDGE COHEN gives his ticket to WARRICK. He takes it.)
Warrick Brown: All I got is four.
(WARRICK hands the ticket back to JUDGE COHEN.)
Judge Cohen: So what are you breathing here for? Get out there and get my money.
Warrick Brown: Hey, look, a girl was sh*t on my watch 'cause I was doing you a favor.
Judge Cohen: Hey, you came to me.
Warrick Brown: All right, Judge, I'll get your money but I need more time. You got to give me a day.
Judge Cohen: You got an hour.
(JUDGE COHEN drives off, leaving WARRICK staring at his dust..)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE is working on the laptop in the room. The door opens and SARA walks in.)
Sara Sidle: Do you know where I can find Catherine Willows?
Catherine Willows: (without looking up) She's out in the field.
(SARA stops and looks down at the piece of paper in her hand. CATHERINE looks up at SARA.)
Catherine Willows: Let me guess ... Sara Sidle?
Sara Sidle: I know who I am. I think you're a little confused.
Catherine Willows: If you think you're taking my case ... forget it.
(SARA shuts the door.)
Sara Sidle: Look, we can stand here and argue ... or ... we can get out there and find out who did this to Holly Gribbs. (b*at) Two sharp women are better than one.
(CATHERINE considers it for a moment, then turns and grabs the evidence bag next to her. She holds it up.)
Catherine Willows: Pager.
(CATHERINE takes the pager out of the bag.)
Catherine Willows: Found at the crime scene.
(SARA walks around the table to look at what CATHERINE'S working on.)
Sara Sidle: Where'd you get the pager nest?
Catherine Willows: Grissom. He won it on e-bay.
Sara Sidle: They're great for tracing if you can rely on the suspect's honesty.
[FULL ON COMPUTER MONITOR]
Catherine Willows: Uh ... Desmond Tutu.
Sara Sidle: See what I mean? Don't feel bad. My last four traces came back Eminem, (smiles) ... so ... look, you seem to have everything under control here.
Sara Sidle: Where can I find Warrick Brown?
Catherine Willows: Try one of the casinos on Blue Diamond Road.
(SARA nods and slowly heads for the door. CATHERINE stops her.)
Catherine Willows: (holding pager up) Oh, I'll page you with any information.
(SARA smiles and leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[CLOSE UP OF POKER CHIPS]
[INT. HOTEL MONACO -- SURVEILLANCE ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK are in the Surveillance room looking at the video footage.)
Gil Grissom: There's our jumper.
Surveillance Director: So, you want to see everything one minute before and one minute after he won the jackpot, right?
Gil Grissom: (nods) Please.
(The SURVEILLANCE DIRECTOR clicks on the keyboard and the footage on the monitor skips. GRISSOM sees something.)
Gil Grissom: Wait a minute. Go back.
(Close up of the monitor shows the clerk talking with TED SALLENGER at the slot machine. The video is on pause.)
Gil Grissom: (to NICK) There! It looks like she's offering him his slot redemption card back. (to the SURVEILLANCE DIRECTOR) Could I see the person that was sitting at this machine right before the victim?
Surveillance Director: Sure.
(He clicks on the keyboard and the video footage moves backward to where another man is sitting at the slot machine.)
Gil Grissom: Is there any way of telling how long he was sitting there?
(The keyboard clicks and the footage rewinds backward. The counter appears on the monitor and stops at the time.)
Surveillance Director: 11 hours, 13 minutes ... 15 seconds. At three bucks a tug, hell, he could have gone through ten, 20 thou.
(GRISSOM looks surprised by this information. He turns back to the monitor.)
Gil Grissom: Nick, call the slot host. Get this guy's name from the slot card. I'm going to talk to this man.
(NICK nods.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS - f*ring RANGE -- DAY]
(CATHERINE puts on her goggles. BOBBY DAWSON walks into the room carrying the g*n.)
Bobby Dawson: All right. Here you go. Holly's w*apon's already loaded. So, just point at the g*n entry hole there to do your test f*re.
Catherine Willows: Okay, thanks, Bobby.
(BOBBY gives the g*n to CATHERINE. BOBBY stands behind CATHERINE and puts his ear phones on.)
CAMERA SLOW MOTION
(CATHERINE puts her hand and g*n in the entry hole and fires.)
(Camera close up of the b*llet as it breaks through the water. Change camera angle where the b*llet is in direct line with the camera.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS -- DAY]
(BOBBY DAWSON looks through the scope to compare the two b*ll*ts.)
Bobby Dawson: Okay, now, in order to eliminate Holly's g*n as the possible w*apon we start by looking for imperfections in the b*llet's stria ... now, that's odd.
Catherine Willows: What's wrong?
Bobby Dawson: We don't have an elimination. We got a match.
(BOBBY steps aside and CATHERINE looks through the scope. She sighs.)
Catherine Willows: sh*t her with her own g*n.
(Quick flashback to: [INT. MARTIN LUTHER KING APARTMENT - MORNING] HOLLY GRIBBS has her hands up as she talks with JERROD COOPER.)
Holly Gribbs: It's okay, I'm not a cop. I just ... I just analyze the scene.
(JERROD COOPER takes a step forward.)
Jerrod Cooper: Throw the g*n down!
(HOLLY takes her g*n and tosses it to the floor.)
Jerrod Cooper: All right now, yank the phone out of the wall. I'm taking my prints with me.
(HOLLY yanks the phone out of the wall. JERROD'S pager beeps. He looks down. HOLLY takes the opportunity to h*t JERROD with the phone.)
(They struggle. He gets free and grabs HOLLY'S g*n from the floor. He fires multiple times at her.)
(He grabs his things and runs leaving HOLLY behind.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - MAIN FLOOR -- DAY]
(The FLOOR CLERK leads GRISSOM and NICK across the main casino floor.)
Floor Clerk (woman): I pulled the slot card for you. (pointing) That's the gentleman, right over there.
Gil Grissom: Thank you.
Floor Clerk (woman): Mm-hmm.
(GRISSOM hands NICK his cell phone and tucks his ID into his shirt.)
Gil Grissom: Hold this. I think I'll play a little.
(GRISSOM makes his way to the man at the slot machine. He takes the empty seat two machines to the right of the man.)
Red Carlton: Double down, always get a winner. Oh, yes, a winner. The winner. Double nine.
Gil Grissom: (laughs) Double Jacks or better! (b*at) You're under arrest.
Red Carlton: Oh yeah? What for?
Gil Grissom: First-degree m*rder.
Red Carlton: Oh. On what grounds?
(GRISSOM glances down at the man's pants.)
Gil Grissom: Roof dust.
Security Officers: Sir, would you please come with us?
(GRISSOM turns to stand up. His machine starts to ring ... and ding and the sounds of coins falling is heard. GRISSOM turns around and hands the empty tub to NICK.)
Gil Grissom: (smiling) Nicky, my boy, collect my winnings. It's a C.S.I. three initiation.
(NICK takes the empty container and smiles as GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CASINO - DAY]
(WARRICK is at the blackjack table playing six hands.)
Dealer: You're up 11 G's. h*t or stay?
(Behind WARRICK, SARA walks up to him.)
Sara Sidle: Stay. I want to talk to you.
(WARRICK glances up at SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CASINO - COFFEE SHOP - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK is sitting at the counter nursing a cup of coffee. SARA sits next to him.)
Sara Sidle: You were playing $100 on every spot. You have a system?
Warrick Brown: I'm counting cards.
Sara Sidle: Isn't that illegal?
Warrick Brown: Not if you do the math in your head.
Sara Sidle: You play anything else?
Warrick Brown: I bet sports from time to time.
Sara Sidle: So ... let me get this straight. You were assigned by Brass to shadow a trainee, a robbery comes up on M.L.K, and you go for coffee.
Warrick Brown: An officer was there.
Sara Sidle: So, you felt safe to leave? Do you know the policies and procedures for clearing a scene?
Warrick Brown: Yes.
Sara Sidle: Then, why'd you leave? I mean, what was so important that you had to rush out of there?
Warrick Brown: I told you. I went for coffee.
Sara Sidle: Was that before or after you made your bets? Sunday ... Vegas ... NFL football ... guy like you ... come on, you trying to tell me that you didn't make a little pit stop?
(WARRICK doesn't say anything.)
Sara Sidle: Look at me. Did you log on ... tell dispatch where you were going?
Warrick Brown: Do you know how many times I've been left alone at a crime scene when I was a rookie?
Sara Sidle: Yeah, well, this time is different.
Warrick Brown: Yeah, why's that?
Sara Sidle: Holly Gribbs died on the operating table twenty minutes ago.
(WARRICK turns to look at SARA, shocked by the news. He's absolutely stunned.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE)
(Cut to: BRASS)
(Cut to: NICK.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY DAY]
(SARA walks into the break room. CATHERINE'S inside, leaning against the counter, her hands rubbing her temples.)
Sara Sidle: Mind if I get a soda?
(CATHERINE looks at SARA, puzzled by the request. SARA indicates the refrigerator behind CATHERINE.)
Catherine Willows: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
(CATHERINE moves.)
Sara Sidle: You want one?
(SARA holds out the soda can.)
Catherine Willows: Is there anything in there with alcohol?
Sara Sidle: Root beer.
Catherine Willows: No.
(A pager beeps. Both CATHERINE and SARA check their pagers. The pager continues to beep.)
(CATHERINE grabs the bagged pager on the table, the one from the crime scene. She checks it.)
Catherine: Oh ... god.
(CATHERINE scrambles to get her cell phone out. SARA hands her the pager. CATHERINE dials.)
Sara Sidle: (smiles) What are you going to say? "Hi, I'm a Criminalist. I was in the neighborhood ... "
Catherine Willows: Shh. It's ringing.
INTERCUT WITH:
[THREE ACES MOTEL - ROOM 202]
Jerrod Cooper: (to phone) Hello.
Catherine Willows: (from phone) Uh, hey.
Jerrod Cooper: Who's this? I just dialed my own damn beeper.
Catherine Willows: Uh-uh. It's my beeper now. I found it.
Jerrod Cooper: It ain't your beeper, girl. It's mine.
(SARA sits down and listens intently as CATHERINE talks on the phone.)
Jerrod Cooper: I do a lot of business on that beeper.
Catherine Willows: What kind of business?
Jerrod Cooper: You know -- slinging a little something-something.
Catherine Willows: Oh, a little something-something. Or maybe a little bling-bling?
Jerrod Cooper: So what you know about some bling-bling?
Catherine Willows: Well, invite me over to your crib, baby and you might find out.
Jerrod Cooper: It's on. Three Aces Motel, Room 202.
Catherine Willows: Three Aces Motel, Room 202.
(She sighs expectantly.)
Jerrod Cooper: See you soon.
(CATHERINE smiles and hangs up. She turns to SARA.)
Catherine Willows: Did I just do that?
Sara Sidle: What's a "bling-bling"?
Catherine Willows: Got me.
(SARA stands up.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK and GRISSOM question RED CARLTON.)
Red Carlton: Yeah, I was up on that roof. I didn't push him off. I did talk to him, though.
Nick Stokes: We know. Hey, what did you drink? Gin and tonic or amaretto sours?
Red Carlton: Amaretto sours. How'd you know that?
Nick Stokes: We got a record of the victim's room charges. Chief.
Gil Grissom: At 1:27 A.M. Our victim, Ted Sallenger, made a couple of purchases in the gift shop--
(Quick flashback to: TED SALLENGER grabbing his package and leaving the gift shop.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) ... band-aids and antiseptic. At 1:40 A.M ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: ... we tracked a purchase at the la promenade--
(Quick flashback to: TED SALLENGER looking into the display window of the store and smiling.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) ... a $30,000 designer watch.
(He walks into the store.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: At 1:45 A.M., you both started knocking them back in the hotel bar.
(Quick flashback to: TED SALLENGER at the bar admiring his new watch.)
Ted Sallenger: Sweet.
(RED CARLTON walks up to TED SALLENGER.)
Red Carlton: Hey. You won my money.
Ted Sallenger: What?
Red Carlton: That was my machine. I put everything I had in that machine.
Ted Sallenger: So you're a degenerate. What do you want from me?
(RED CARLTON turns to leave. TED SALLENGER stops him.)
Ted Sallenger: Hey, old timer, come on, sit down. I'll buy you a drink for second place. What are you having? It's on me.
Red Carlton: It's on you? All right. In that case, I'll have a, uh ... Amaretto Sour.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick Stokes: The first hour, you both drank tit for tat but by hour two, Ted started ordering doubles ... and you quit drinking.
Gil Grissom: Drank decaf coffee instead. My guess is that you were getting him lathered up for your little elevator ride.
(Quick flashback to: TED SALLENGER and RED CARLTON appear in the hallway.)
Ted Sallenger: Have a nice life, huh? I know I will.
(TED laughs. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: And from there, you went to the roof.
(Quick flashback to: Camera close up of a man's foot close to the roof's edge. It's RED CARLTON. He takes his glasses off and looks down. He cries. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Red Carlton: (cries) I couldn't go through with it. I'm a born failure. I failed at my marriage; I failed at my work. Then I couldn't even commit su1c1de right. One pull away ... the story of my life.
Gil Grissom: Mr. Carlton, we're not detectives. We're crime scene analysts. We're trained to ignore verbal accounts and rely instead on the evidence a scene sets before us. But I have to be honest with you, Red ... I believe you. I do.
(pause) So ... here's what we're going to do: You're going to stay here until we get back. If you pushed this guy off the roof he will, without a doubt, have roof dust on his shoes. If he does, we'll have you arrested for m*rder. But if dust is not present, then you'll be free to go.
(RED CARLTON thinks about it. He smiles a bit.)
Red Carlton: I like this guy.
(NICK looks at GRISSOM and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. THREE ACES MOTEL - SECOND FLOOR - ROOM 202 -- DAY]
(The OFFICERS clear out the motel rooms. CATHERINE is standing on the stairway. BRASS rushes up the stairs and takes out his g*n. He cocks it as he passes CATHERINE.)
Catherine Willows: What are you doing here?
(BRASS turns around to look at CATHERINE.)
Jim Brass: Guilt therapy.
(BRASS leads the officers as they surround the door to room 202. He hits the door with his foot.)
Jim Brass: Police officers! Open up!
(The OFFICER kicks the door in.)
(JERROD COOPER is lying on the bed. He jumps out and heads for the window when the OFFICERS burst in through the door.)
Officer: Get down. OFFICER: Hold him down on the ground! OFFICER: Put your hands behind your back! OFFICER: Get him down!
(The OFFICERS successfully apprehend JERROD COOPER. CATHERINE walks in through the doorway. The OFFICERS push JERROD COOPER face down into the bed. He looks up and sees CATHERINE.)
Catherine Willows: Now that's a bling-bling.
Jerrod Cooper: That was you on the phone?
Catherine Willows: (nods) Yep.
(The OFFICERS get the handcuffs on him and push him toward the door. As they pass CATHERINE, she notices something.)
Catherine Willows: Where'd you get that scratch?
(Camera close up of the scratch to his right eye.)
Sara Sidle: For a conviction, we're going to need a DNA sample.
Jim Brass: Okay, let's sit him down. Let's get a saliva sample.
Catherine Willows: (to radio) Hey, guys, it's Catherine.
(Cut to: WARRICK pulls out his radio and listens.)
Catherine Willows: (to radio) For whoever is listening we got him. Repeat. Holly Gribbs' suspect is in custody.
CUT TO:
[INT. "THE SPOT" - PARKING STRUCTURE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK puts the radio away as he walks around the parking structure toward JUDGE COHEN who is standing next to his parked car.)
(WARRICK hands the cash to JUDGE COHEN.)
Warrick Brown: Ten Thousand. See you around, Judge.
(WARRICK turns to leave. JUDGE COHEN stops him.)
Judge Cohen: You don't leave until I tell you to leave.
Warrick Brown: What? What are you going to do, hold me in contempt?
Judge Cohen: You're already in contempt with me. We're in bed, pal. I own you.
Warrick Brown: Nobody owns me.
Judge Cohen: Yeah? Let me tell you something. You ever heard of a wolf in sheep's clothing? You and me -- we're going to do business together whether you like it or not. Keep your cell phone charged.
(JUDGE COHEN gets into his car and leaves WARRICK standing there.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY - FORENSIC SCIENCE/LABORATORIES DIVISION - HALLWAY --
DAY]
(GRISSOM leans against the wall. CATHERINE walks down the hallway toward him. She's carrying her kit.)
Catherine Willows: You didn't have to come.
Gil Grissom: I know. I wanted to. In case you need me.
Catherine Willows: I probably do. But this is something I'd rather do alone.
(CATHERINE walks past GRISSOM toward the door.)
Gil Grissom: Fifteen seconds, you're in, you're out we make a DNA match and it's over, okay?
Catherine Willows: (nods) Okay.
CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY - FORENSIC SCIENCE/LABORATORIES DIVISION - DAY]
(Camera opens on the morgue cabinet label for "GRIBBS, HOLLY". CATHERINE stares at the card. She closes her eyes for a brief moment.)
(CATHERINE opens the cabinet door and pulls out the table. She unzips the bag and reaches into her kit. She takes HOLLY'S hand and gets the sample.)
Catherine Willows: (whispers) I'm sorry.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - TEMPORARY EVIDENCE ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK examine TED SALLENGER'S shoes.)
Nick Stokes: Will the real Red Skelton please ... stand up?
Gil Grissom: You're too young to remember who Red Skelton was.
Nick Stokes: Hey, Nick at Nite. You should check it out.
(GRISSOM looks for dust.)
Nick Stokes: No dust. Great.
Gil Grissom: I thought so. Turns out he's red herring. There's got to be something else.
(GRISSOM cuts the envelope open and empties its contents on the table. He examines the watch.)
Gil Grissom: Nice watch.
(He sees something.)
Gil Grissom: Look at this.
(Camera zooms in to the fibers caught in the watch.)
Gil Grissom: These look like fibers.
Nick Stokes: Yeah. You think he was dragged?
Gil Grissom: Maybe.
Nick Stokes: Well, I'll go back to the Presidential Suite ... take a swatch of the carpet, see if we can match the fibers.
Gil Grissom: Get a hold of the girl while you're at it.
Nick Stokes: Why, is she a suspect?
Gil Grissom: She is now.
(NICK nods and leaves the room. GRISSOM continues to examine the watch.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- ROOM A -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: All right. What do you have?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Hey. I thought you might like to see this.
(She shows him the mark on TED SALLENGER'S head.)
Gil Grissom: What the hell is that?
Dr. Jenna Williams: I found it after I shaved his head. Something hard with a diamond insignia on the back. You find that, I bet you find your k*ller.
Gil Grissom: Was this first blow?
Dr. Jenna Williams: First and fatal. Crushed his skull. So he was k*lled, then he was pushed.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Without a doubt.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM / DNA LAB -- DAY]
(SARA and CATHERINE are sitting in the break room.)
Sara Sidle: Nicorette?
Catherine Willows: No, thanks. Got my own.
(GREG SANDERS opens the door to his lab and calls out to CATHERINE.)
Greg Sanders: Boss, your DNA results are back.
(CATHERINE and SARA stand and rush into the DNA lab. GREG looks at the results.)
Greg Sanders: Well, according to my DNA data the types are 814 quadrillion to one that your suspect is our k*ller.
Sara Sidle: Pretty good stats! Whoo!
Catherine: Yeah, considering there's only about six billion people in the world ... ah, thanks.
(CATHERINE looks at the results, shakes her head and sighs.)
Catherine Willows: She gave me just enough ... just enough to catch him.
(Quick flashback to: JERROD COOPER advances into the room, the g*n in his hand and pointed at HOLLY GRIBBS.)
Jerrod Cooper: Don't move!
(HOLLY turns around and raises her hands.)
Holly Gribbs: Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not a cop. I just ... I just analyze the scene. This is my first day. Believe me, I'm-I'm no thr*at.
(Cut to: HOLLY rips the phone out of the wall. She holds it out to JERROD COOPER.)
Holly Gribbs: Um, look ... phone with your prints on it? Here, take it. Okay? Here.
(His pager beeps. He's distracted for a moment and looks down. HOLLY uses it and throws the phone at JERROD. She hits him and he drops his g*n. He goes for her g*n. They struggle.)
Catherine Willows: (V.O.) but she held on long enough to give us a clue.
(HOLLY reaches up and scratches him in the eyes. He yells. He manages to get her g*n. He takes a couple steps back, aims and fires.)
(JERROD drops HOLLY'S g*n, he grabs his g*n and runs. HOLLY looks up and pushes JERROD'S pager under the couch. Camera holds on HOLLY GRIBBS.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara Sidle: Nice work, Catherine.
(CATHERINE turns to look at SARA and shrugs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(NICK is in one of the labs where he compares the fibers from the watch with the fibers from the carpet.)
(NICK looks up from the scope.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the room and puts his kit down. He sees the large square cut out in the middle of the room.)
Gil Grissom: Nice swatch, Nick. Pizza box-sized.
(GRISSOM looks around and sees something. One of the candlestick holders has a card suit symbol on each of its sides. He picks it up. He smiles.)
(GRISSOM walks over to the balcony doors and puts his kit down. He opens it and takes out the luminol. He sprays the carpet in front of the balcony and finds the blood stains.)
(GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Gil Grissom: Grissom.
Nick Stokes: (from phone) It's Nick. I just finished the carpet swatch comparisons. Got a match.
Gil Grissom: I'm starting to get that feeling, Nicky, my boy.
Nick Stokes: (from phone) Yeah, so am I.
Gil Grissom: Listen, I'll meet you at the interrogation. I still got one more thing I want to check.
Nick Stokes: (from phone) Okay. Bye.
(GRISSOM hands up.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - HALLWAY IN FRONT OF PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - ROOM 1227 - DAY -
CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM opens the door and shows the card key to ELIAS.)
Gil Grissom: Okay, I'm ready to try this now.
Elias Templeton: (to radio) Stand by, house.
(With the door open, GRISSOM puts the card key into the lock, then closes the door. He opens the door and removes the card key.)
Gil Grissom: Did your security log record that?
Elias Templeton: (to radio) You guys get that? (to GRISSOM) No. Well, I'll be damned. The curse. Hell, I ain't playing those machines no more. It's true. You win, you die.
(GRISSOM takes his things out of the room and hands the card key to ELIAS. He walks down the hallway.)
Gil Grissom: (under his breath) Gotcha.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK interview JAMIE again.)
Jamie: Got me with what?
Gil Grissom: Capital m*rder.
Jamie: Oh, are you kidding me?
Gil Grissom: I never kid about m*rder. What do you think, Nick? My turn to play it "blind"?
(Quick flashback to: TED SALLENGER and RED CARLTON walk into the hallway after their drinks at the bar.)
Ted Sallenger: Hey, Red, have a nice life, huh? (laughs) I know I will.
(TED staggers down the hallway toward his room.)
(Cut to: TED uses the card and tries to open the door. He's not too successful. JAMIE rushes up to the door carrying the candlestick holder. She peeks in through they peep hole.)
Ted Sallenger: What the ... ? What the hell's with this thing?
(TED still has problems with the card key. JAMIE jerks the door open and TED stumbles into the room. She hits him on the head with the candlestick. He falls to the floor.)
(Quick flash to: JAMIE drags TED across the room toward the balcony.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) Now, the funny thing is if Ted didn't come back to the room then why were presidential carpet fibers found in the band of his brand-new watch? 'Cause he did come back.
(JAMIE drags TED across the room floor.)
(Cut to: JAMIE cleans the carpet.)
Gil Grissom: (V.O.) And you do the smart thing: After you throw him over the balcony you cleaned up the crime scene. You left blood-soaked towels in plain sight. Your alibi? The blood came from Ted's forearms.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Gil Grissom: How am I doing so far, Nicky?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, I'm into it.
Gil Grissom: According to your statement, you felt slighted 'cause Ted had just won $40 million and dumped you within half an hour giving you motive enough to k*ll him and you exercised that motive.
(Without saying a word, JAMIE holds out her wrists for them to cuff. GRISSOM looks at her, then heads for the door to get an OFFICER.)
(NICK leans forward.)
Nick Stokes: Can I ask you a question?
Jamie: Sure.
Nick Stokes: How are you so cool? You took someone's life. Don't you care?
Jamie: No.
(GRISSOM opens the door and calls out to the OFFICER outside.)
Gil Grissom: Deputy, we're going to have her arrested.
Jamie: (to GRISSOM) So, could I ask you a question?
Gil Grissom: Maybe.
Jamie: All that stuff you rattled off. How'd you know about all that?
Gil Grissom: Your boyfriend told me.
(The door closes behind them.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HALLWAY -- DAY]
(WARRICK sits alone in the hallway. GRISSOM and NICK walk down the hallway. GRISSOM sees WARRICK.)
Gil Grissom: (to NICK) I'll see you outside, okay?
(NICK leaves. GRISSOM approaches WARRICK. He sits down next to him.)
Gil Grissom: They say I have to let you go. You violated the policies and procedures for clearing a scene. I read Sara's report.
Warrick Brown: I know. I messed up. And Holly's d*ad.
(WARRICK reaches for his g*n and badge and hands them to GRISSOM.)
Warrick Brown: I'm sorry, Gil.
Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, too. I don't want to do this.
Warrick Brown: You got to. You know where I was?
Gil Grissom: I think I have a pretty good idea.
Warrick Brown: I went to lay a bet. I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong. Never occurred to me.
Gil Grissom: It never occurred to me, either.
(GRISSOM stands up and stands in front of WARRICK.)
Gil Grissom: You know what? If I let you go I got to let me go, too. (b*at)
And Catherine ... and Brass. We're all culpable in this. (b*at) I don't care what the book says. I lost one good person today. I don't want to lose another-- here.
(GRISSOM hands WARRICK back his g*n and badge. WARRICK looks at them, takes them and stands up.)
Warrick Brown: I won't let you down again.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT - DAY]
(All the CSIs are standing in the parking lot under the hot sun. NICK looks up and signals to CATHERINE.)
(BRASS walks outside with JERROD COOPER in handcuffs. He looks up at all the CSIs standing there and walks JERROD COOPER to the vehicle where they both get inside.)
(The Vehicle drives off, past them.)
Gil Grissom: Let's go home.
(One by one, they leave. Camera holds on WARRICK as he lingers.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x02 - Cool Change"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
Narrator: Previously on:
[Scenes from 1X01: Pilot]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(NICK moves the "SOLVED" magnet from the side and puts it right on top of the board on CRIME #99, UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, on his side of the board.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM swings NICK'S new I.D. badge in front of him.)
Grissom: Congratulations, Nicky, my boy. You are now a CSI Level Three.
Nick: (excited) Whoo!
[INT. CATHERINE'S SISTER'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING]
(LINDSEY wakes up.)
Lindsey Willows: Mommy?
Catherine: I couldn't drive here fast enough to tell you how much I love you.
Lindsey Willows: I love you, too.
[Scenes from 1X02: Cool Change]
[INT. CSI - LAB]
Catherine: Sara Sidle?
Sara: (smiles) I know who I am. I think you're a little confused.
[INT. CSI - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM checks into BRASS' office as he clears his stuff out.)
Grissom: I just off the phone with the Sheriff. He says he wants me to run the unit.
Brass: You're the boss.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM and WARRICK sit on the bench in the hallway.)
Grissom: They say I got to let you go.
Warrick: I know.
(GRISSOM stands and moves in front of WARRICK.)
Grissom: I don't care what the book says. I lost one good person today, I don't want to lose another.
(GRISSOM holds out WARRICK'S g*n and badge back out to him.)
Grissom: Here.
(WARRICK looks up at GRISSOM.)
CUT TO END OF "PREVIOUSLY ON"
FLASH IN.
[EXT. VARIOUS NEVADA DESERT (STOCK) - DAY]
(Camera close up of a shovel dropping dry dirt onto the ground and patting it down. A large booted foot steps onto the spot.)
(The MAN finishes and walks away from the spot with his shovel.)
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(A lighter flame flickers on. The woman holding the lighter is lying down in the dark. She looks around at the enclosed space around her. She starts to panic and cry.)
(She screams as she realizes that she's inside a box.)
FADE TO BLACK.
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(Scene opens on the tape machine playing the ransom note. GRISSOM, NICK and JACK GARRIS listen to the message.)
Altered Voice: (o.s.) (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. (b*at) Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies.
Jack Garris: This guy thinks it's some kind of joke using a voice like that.
Nick: He's altering his voice, sir, electronically.
Grissom: We don't consider it a joke at all.
(GRISOM starts the tape over again.)
Altered Voice: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds ...
Jack Garris: (irritated and impatient) You guys have listened to that tape like, twenty times. Will somebody please go out and find my wife?
Grissom: Mr. Garris, please. Sometimes, if you listen closely you can hear a lot.
(GRISSOM rewinds the tape again. He plays it and everyone falls silent as they listen to the low frequency buzz of the player.)
Jack Garris: (after a moment) I don't hear anything.
Grissom: Right. Where do you hear nothing in Las Vegas?
(JACK GARRIS doesn't say anything as he thinks about it. GRISSOM answers his own question.)
Grissom: The desert. (b*at) And, judging by what sounds like a low frequency buzz in the background, possibly near power lines.
Jack Garris: How'd you hear all that?
Grissom: I listen.
(JACK GARRIS stares at GRISSOM and nods his head slightly.)
(In the background, we can hear someone talking on a phone.)
Brass: (to phone) Right, okay, all right, got it.
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE -- CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS makes his way across the living room toward them. He puts his phone away.)
Brass: (to GRISSOM) I just spoke with the FBI. They'll back us up if we need it, but we have to handle it.
(BRASS turns to leave. JACK GARRIS stops him.)
Jack Garris: Uh, detective, wait. What are my chances here ... of-of Laura ... f-for Laura?
Brass: It's a three-hour window.
Jack Garris: Will somebody just tell me the truth?
Brass: A ransom message with a short fuse means that the victim's situation will cause her to expire by or before the deadline regardless of what we do.
Nick: In a car trunk -- that kind of thing.
Brass: It's a form of passive m*rder if you want to be, uh...
'honest' about it.
Jack Garris: Then you guys have got to move.
Grissom: Mr. Garris ... it's my experience that, in situations like this if you want to go fast, go slow.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BACK HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(SARA walks cautiously into the hallway. She looks at the security pad on the wall.)
Sara: Get a picture of the security pad. Someone touches it before it's dusted, I break their fingers.
(SARA turns her head and works her way down the hallway. The photographer/tech follows her.)
Sara: sh**t the mirror, point of disturbance the lamp, point of disturbance ...
(SARA puts an evidence marker on the mirror and she puts evidence marker #2 on the lamp on the floor. The tech takes pictures of the security pad on the wall, then turns to take pictures of the mirror.)
(SARA looks up and sees something on the doorframe. As she stares at it, NICK appears behind her also staring at the doorframe. SARA turns around.)
Sara: ... you're standing in my crime scene.
Nick: No. (he holds up the disk) (b*at) You're in mine.
(NICK smiles and turns to walk out of the house.)
Sara: (envious) You're doing audio? I wanted that.
Nick: I outrank you.
Sara: Technicality. Who did Grissom handpick to work here?
(NICK chuckles dryly.)
Nick: Keep telling yourself that.
(SARA turns back to look at the doorframe)
Sara: (to the tech) Get the lights, will you?
Technician: Got it.
(The TECHNICIAN turns the lights off. SARA gets out her ALS and looks at the stuff on the doorframe.)
CUT TO:
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(BRASS talks with JACK GARRIS.)
Jack Garris: Shady friends? No. Laura surrounds herself with quality people-- people of real substance.
(BRASS nods.)
Brass: Has her behavior changed recently -- drug use, alcohol, things like that?
Jack Garris: (interrupts) No, no, no, nothing like that.
(BRASS doesn't say anything. He stands up.)
Jack Garris: She's a health nut -- we both are.
Brass: Uh-huh.
Jack Garris: Look, I'm a rich man. How do we let this guy know I'll pay?
Brass: We don't want to go there yet.
CUT TO:
[EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE – SUV -- CURB -- NIGHT]
(NICK starts the car's engine. GRISSOM leans in through the open passenger window to give NICK last minute instructions.)
Grissom: Nick, tell lab to do a reverse algorithm on that tape and then get it into enhancement.
Nick: I know what to tell the audio guy.
Grissom: You've been a Level Three for what, two weeks?
Nick: I got it under control.
(GRISSOM stares at NICK and doesn't say anything. NICK smiles.)
Nick: Swear.
(GRISSOM moves away from the window.)
Nick: Later.
(NICK shifts the car into gear.)
CUT TO:
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BEDROOM]
(Camera opens on a broken picture frame on the floor next to evidence marker #6. A camera flashes.)
(GRISSOM walks into the bedroom. SARA is standing at the dresser taking photographs. GRISSOM walks in and looks around.)
Sara: Cursory call -- looks like a professional job.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He leans over to look at the various framed pictures on the tabletop. SARA continues to call it.)
Sara: (continuing) Our guy bypasses the security system, surprises the wife in the back hall. Drags her in here. She grabs onto the doorway -- sign of struggle. No sign of sexual as*ault. He's in, they're out.
(GRISSOM glances down and sees a smudge on the carpet. It grabs his attention and he leans in low to examine it closely.)
Sara: (continuing) Probably ... egress through those doors. Excuse me, is my evaluation interrupting you?
Grissom: No, no, no. I barely heard you.
Sara: Glad I have a healthy ego. You find something interesting there?
Grissom: Dirt.
Sara: You're ... so ... technical ... I can hardly keep up, but ...
GRISSOM; Oh, sorry, but, uh ... out of context, it's ... just dirt.
CUT TO:
[EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM steps through the open balcony doors and out into the backyard patio. SARA follows him.)
(He looks around. SARA sniffs.)
Sara: Did you just slap on bad cologne?
Grissom: I never wear it. It interferes with the job.
Sara: It's almost sweet.
(GRISSOM sees something.)
Grissom: Hmm.
(He finds a cloth on the ground. He picks it up and smells it. He offers it to SARA to smell.)
Sara: Can't be chloroform.
Grissom: Halothane, maybe.
Sara: We'll confirm it in GC mass spec.
(SARA reaches into her bag for an evidence bag.)
Grissom: "Looks like a professional job," I think you said.
(SARA glances up at GRISSOM and smiles.)
Grissom: Care to amend your evaluation? I mean, if the guy forgets the rag he used to knock her out, he can't be much of a pro.
(He puts the cloth in the evidence bag SARA holds open for him.)
Sara: (smiles) I keep trying to be your star pupil.
Grissom: Sara, that was a seminar. This is real. Pebbles, tile -- the front is all concrete.
Sara: No dirt. Context-- there is dirt on the carpeting inside.
Grissom: In an otherwise spotless house.
Sara: You're saying kidnapper tracked the dirt in.
Grissom: Possible. As of now, that's about all we have, so ... I guess we follow the dirt.
(GRISSOM walks past SARA and back into the house. SARA looks up, shakes her head and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET -- NIGHT]
(Cameras flash. The female in the body bag is covered and the bag zipped up.)
(Cut to: The ambulance door closes and the vehicle drives off.)
Catherine: How many h*t-and-runs we had this year?
Warrick: Too many. One thing I can't stand is a punk coward.
(CATHERINE looks down at the roadside and stares at the scooter that the little girl was riding. It's on its side next to evidence marker #1 and a ruler.)
Catherine: My daughter wants one of these scooters. Says she's the only kid in the world who doesn't have one.
(CATHERINE steps up to the fallen scooter and kneels down next to it. WARRICK looks at CATHERINE'S back.)
Warrick: You want me to take this case alone?
(CATHERINE turns around to look back up at WARRICK.)
Catherine: You feeling all right, Warrick?
Warrick: Oh, I'm fine. I'm ... I'm looking after you. (He shakes his head.)
It's that thing with Holly Gribbs.
(CATHERINE stands up and looks at WARRICK.)
Warrick: It's made me think of who I am to my partners, you know?
Catherine: So this is what-- your new leaf?
Warrick: (embarrassed, yet serious) You keep on busting on me, you won't see any kind of leaf.
Catherine: (smiles) Hey, relax. I'll play nice. Thank you for the offer. I'm okay. I can handle this one.
(CATHERINE turns back to look at the scooter. She kneels down next to it.)
Catherine: It'd be nice if this paint transfer had just one special property.
(b*at) You want to call it?
Warrick: (points) Vehicle's humming down Rochester. The vic was on her scooter, heading eastbound. Car brakes here ...
(WARRICK points to the tire marks on the road next to evidence marker #3.)
Warrick: ... impact here. The vic was thrown -- what-- twenty meters?
Catherine: And all we've got is some paint that's going to match up to about 20 million other vehicles.
Warrick: (sighs) Yeah.
Catherine: Bastard.
CUT TO:
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - FOYER -- NIGHT]
(JACK GARRIS heads out the front door. He turns around to look at BRASS.)
Jack Garris: Are you ordering me not to pay the ransom?
Brass: It's a very strong suggestion, yes.
(Behind BRASS, GRISSOM turns the corner and heads slowly toward the men.)
Jack Garris: After you told me she could already be d*ad? I don't believe you guys. This is my wife. I'm paying the ransom.
Brass: Look, if you give up the cash the kidnapper has no reason to communicate with us.
Jack Garris: Does anyone on your team know where Laura is right now?
Grissom: We have an entire forensics lab working on this.
Jack Garris: Yeah? Something tells me I'll see her before you do.
(And with that, JACK GARRIS walks out of the house with the money in a briefcase.)
Brass: Well, your job just got harder.
Grissom: Yeah.
Brass: (sighs) I'll stay close to the money.
(BRASS heads out the front door to follow JACK GARRIS.)
CUT TO:
[SCOPE VIEW OF THE DIRT]
Grissom: (V.O.) This dirt has interesting properties.
[INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT]
(SARA and GRISSOM are in the lab. SARA is looking through the scope at the dirt.)
Grissom: The gold flecks -- that's easy -- it's gold. The little gray squiggles? Cyanide.
(She looks up from the scope.)
Sara: Cyanide? He poisoned her?
Grissom: No. Did you know that Nevada produces 80% of the country's gold? Miners drop cyanide powder into the dirt and it draws the gold to the surface.
Sara: And how does a bug specialist know so much about dirt?
Grissom: I had a case five years ago. We found a skeleton in an abandoned gold mine. I thought it was a m*rder. Turned out the guy passed out drunk and the cyanide leached into his system.
Sara: Gruesome, Grissom.
Grissom: You know, it's funny but every case teaches me something about the next.
Sara: So when you said, "Follow the dirt"...?
Grissom: Gold mine -- it's possible that's where he's got her.
Sara: Great. There's got to be 100 gold mines in Nevada.
Grissom: True, but how many are near power lines within range of the drop zone?
(He unrolls the map in front of him.) Three. (He points.) One ... two ... three.
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS uncovers the little girl.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: This is your h*t-and-run victim. Bad thing about this job is you stop asking yourself 'why'. Here's the bruise I was telling you about.
(She lifts up the blanket to show CATHERINE the bruise on the little girl's thigh. CATHERINE leans in for a better look.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: You see it?
(WARRICK moves around to look at the bruise.)
(Quick flashback to: The little girl screams. The car impacts her on the thigh. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: (straightens) Oh, my god. Plate numbers.
Dr. Jenna Williams: From the license plate when it impacted her skin.
Warrick: Looks like a "four" and a "J."
Catherine: Yeah.
Warrick: Not like he left us any evidence.
Catherine: Call DMV.
Warrick: I'll get them to cross-check this partial within a five-mile radius see how many hits they come up with. You'll have those pictures for me?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Yep.
(WARRICK heads out of the autopsy room.)
Catherine: I'll meet you out front.
Warrick: All right.
CUT TO:
[INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT -- NIGHT]
(SARA and GRISSOM are sitting in the moving helicopter looking through a heat sensor.)
Sara: Freaky. Is that what I think it is?
Grissom: It's a pack of coyotes. The sensor picks up any form of body heat, two-legged or four-legged.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT]
[INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - STREET ACROSS DROP POINT -- NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS sits in his car keeping his eye on the trash can just outside the driving range grounds.)
(He watches as a sports car drives up to the trash can. JACK GARRIS gets out of the car with the bag full of money. He looks around and walks toward the trash can. He lifts up the lid and dumps the bag inside the trash can.)
Nick: (o.s.) Captain Brass. Hey.
(NICK opens the car door and gets inside the passenger seat, startling BRASS.)
Brass: Geez, you scared me.
Nick: Sorry. Sorry. Grissom told me to hook up with you. He says the drop place will be a crime scene.
Brass: We hope.
(BRASS turns to look outside just as JACK GARRIS gets back into his car. He closes the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) -OVER DESERT -- NIGHT]
(The heat sensor tracks a coyote running across the desert.)
Grissom: Come on, give us something two-legged.
Sara: Last mine. We've circled it twice.
Grissom: Yeah, well, we'll circle it again.
(SARA leans over and taps the pilot on the shoulder. The pilot nods.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - NIGHT]
[INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - STREET ACROSS DROP POINT -- NIGHT]
(A man walking his dog approaches the trash can. He leans over to tie his shoe.)
Nick: Why don't they move in on the guy?
Brass: Why? 'Cause he's probably just walking his dog.
(The man pulls his dog along past the trash can.)
Nick: Well, he's been there five minutes.
Brass: Dogs take their time. What, do you want to be rushed?
Man On Radio: Male in a ball cap, 10:00.
(A man carrying a set of golf clubs approaches the trash can. The man looks around.)
Nick: Here, kitty, kitty...
Brass: (to mic) Nobody moves. You got that? Rock solid till my order.
Officer: (from radio) Copy.
(The man looks around and walks toward the trash can. NICK and BRASS watch from the car parked across the street.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT-NIGHT]
[INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM sees something on the monitor.)
Grissom: What was that? Go back.
Sara: Where?
[HEAT SENSOR VIEW]
(Traveling low across the desert floor, there's something in the middle of the screen.)
Grissom: There.
(They pass the heat mass.)
Grissom: Swing around!
(As they pass it a third time, SARA can definitely see that it's a person lying on their side with their hands tied in front of them.)
Grissom: (realizing) My god, she's below the surface.
Sara: (to the pilot) Okay, let's land! Take her down! Down!
(SARA and GRISSOM take off their ear phones.)
[EXT. HELICOPTER - DESERT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(The helicopter lands.)
Grissom: Ground team is right behind us. I'll guide them in.
(GRISSOM and SARA exit the helicopter.)
Grissom: She's got to be right up here.
(Searching the ground, the start yelling for LAURA GARRIS.)
Sara: Mrs. Garris! GRISSOM: Mrs. Garris! Can you hear us? SARA: Mrs. Garris! GRISSOM: We're with the Las Vegas Police Department!
(They hear a woman's muffled screaming coming from the ground.)
Grissom: Here! She's here!
(They drop their gear and start digging, pushing the dirt and rocks away with their bare hands.)
Sara: Got something here.
(Sirens approach and get louder as they near. They stop and emergency personnel and gear exit the vehicles.)
Sara: Come on! GRISSOM: Get that end! SARA: Yeah, come over!
(They all start to dig frantically for LAURA GARRIS.)
Grissom: Got to get her air! GRISSOM: Give me a pick -- an ax-- something. GRISSOM: Get away. Let me get in there.
(Someone hands GRISSOM a pick and he starts to dig for the edge of the box cover. He lifts it up.)
Grissom: Pull it!
(The OFFICERS lift the lid off of the box. Inside is LAURA GARRIS.)
Sara: Oh, my god.
(GRISSOM kneels to help her up from the box.)
Grissom: Okay, we're going to pull her up.
(With GRISSOM'S assistance, LAURA GARRIS stands up, dirt and dust all over her.)
Grissom: Sara, get me something to cut this tape.
(GRISSOM turns to look at LAURA GARRIS.)
Grissom: (to LAURA GARRIS) You okay? GRISSOM: You're going to be okay now. GRISSOM: Get this off.
(SARA hands GRISSOM the scissors and he cuts the tape off from LAURA GARRIS' wrists.)
Grissom: Okay.
(He hands LAURA GARRIS over to the OFFICERS, the tape still in his hand.)
(SARA stands next to him, trying to catch her breath. GRISSOM turns to her.)
Grissom: (to SARA) You okay?
Sara: Never ceases to amaze me what people do to each other.
(SARA looks at the officers and steps away from GRISSOM.)
Sara: (yells out instructions) Transport the box to the lab for latents. Hair fibers, get soil exemplars.
(GRISSOM turns his radio on.)
Grissom: (to radio) Victor-18. Brass, do you hear me?
Brass: (from radio) Copy.
Grissom: (to radio) We got the package, and she's still alive. ...
CUT TO:
[INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - NIGHT]
Grissom: (from radio) ... Brass, are you reading me? Over.
Brass: (to radio) Victor-9, affirmative. Way to go. Major player is in our sight. Will update. Out.
(Outside, the man with the cap returns to the trash can. He puts his golf bag down.)
Nick: You think that's him? You think that's our guy right there?
(BRASS keeps an eye on the man and watches as the man moves to the trash can. He lifts the lid up and reaches inside where he removes the bag full of money.)
Brass: (to radio) Move on ball cap! Move, move, move!
(The man grabs the bag and tries to leave. A siren blasts and a cop car rushes into his path, blocking his exit.)
(An OFFICER gets out of the vehicle and raises his w*apon at the man with the ball cap.)
Officer: Police officers! Freeze!
Chip Rundle: Hey, no, I wasn't stealing the bag, all right?
Officer: Hands on your head. Down on your knees! OFFICER: Hold still.
(CHIP RUNDLE gets down on his knees with his hands on his head. The second OFFICER hand cuffs him. BRASS and NICK make their way toward CHIP RUNDLE.)
Chip Rundle: Hey, look at the bag. It's not even leather. Why would I want it?
Brass: I can think of about two million reasons, Tiger.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. CHARLES MOORE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up the path to the front door. CATHERINE rings the doorbell. She knocks on the door. The door opens.)
Catherine: Hello.
Charles Moore: Can I help you folks?
Catherine: Mr. Charles Moore? (He nods.) We're with the Las Vegas crime lab. We'd like to talk to you about your car.
Warrick: We believe it may have been involved in a traffic collision earlier this evening.
Charles Morre: I told the police when they called, my car was stolen.
Catherine: That's why we have a search warrant, sir ...
(CATHERINE unfolds the paper in her hand and holds it out to CHARLES MOORE.)
Catherine: ... so that we can look in your garage.
(He takes the warrant and looks at it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. MOORE'S GARAGE - NIGHT --CONTINUOUS]
(The garage door opens. CATHERINE and WARRICK look at the damage to the front of the car with the Nevada plates #484 JUD. CATHERINE looks at WARRICK and turns around to look at CHARLES MOORE.)
Charles Moore: It-it was an accident. I saw the girl and I tried to brake but I accelerated by mistake. I get confused. I-I shouldn't have left. I was wrong. (pauses) Is she okay?
Catherine: She died at the scene.
Charles Moore: (sadly) Oh, my god.
Warrick: You're going to be charged with manslaughter, Mr. Moore. Felony h*t-and-run. Do you have a lawyer?
CUT TO:
[INT. BREAK ROOM - NIGHT]
(WARRICK walks into the break room. CATHERINE is already there. She's carrying a box.)
Warrick: Catherine, I just got off the phone with the traffic guys. They've impounded Moore's car. Should be here any minute.
(CATHERINE opens the box and inside is a cake with "Happy Birthday Lindsey" icing on it.)
Catherine: Is it me or did he give it up too easy?
Warrick: Old guy was scared.
(GRISSOM rushes into the room. He's giddy with excitement.)
Grissom: (smiling) You have to see the birthday present I got for your daughter.
(SARA also walks into the room.)
Sara: What's the rule? How long do I have to be here before I start kicking in for gifts?
Catherine: When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never.
(GRISSOM opens the box and shows CATHERINE the "CHEMLAB/500" that he's holding in his hand.)
Grissom: I got one of these chem labs when I was six. I almost blew up the whole house. (He chuckles.)
Catherine: I hope you can return it 'cause, uh, Lindsey doesn't want a party.
Grissom: Yeah, what kid doesn't want a party?
Catherine: My kid.
Nick: Hey, Catherine what time's your little girl coming by?
Catherine: She isn't.
(NICK holds up his own gift, a "CHEMLAB/500".)
Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
Sara: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick: Stop flirting with me. Cath, really, when's the party?
Catherine: (exasperated) What do I have to do -- put it on the bulletin board? There is no party. My daughter doesn't want a party. Is everybody clear on that?
(Several pagers beep. Everyone checks their pagers.)
Warrick: Our car's here.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE head for the door.)
Sara: The burial box is in.
(SARA turns for the door.)
Grissom: The victim's ready at Desert Palm.
(GRISSOM turns to walk out of the room. As he passes NICK, he puts his CHEMLAB set on NICK'S CHEMLAB set.)
Grissom: We'll play with these later.
(NICK laughs. He's the only one left in the room. He looks down at the two boxes and shakes his head.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT]
(Camera opens on the box with the words, "WINERY NEVADA" on the bottom of the insignia on its side.)
(The TECHS drop the box in front of SARA.)
Sara: Thanks, guys.
Techs: (leaving) No problem.
Sara: "Garris Winery."
CUT TO:
[INT. DESERT PALM HOSPITAL -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM interviews LAURA GARRIS in the presence of her husband, JACK GARRIS.)
Grissom: And you never saw the person, huh?
(LAURA GARRIS looks at GRISSOM.)
Laura Garris: He ... grabbed me from behind.
(Quick flashback to: Someone grabs LAURA GARRIS from behind, clamping their gloved hand over her mouth muffling her cry. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Laura Garris: There was something clamped over my mouth ... (she touches her lips) ... and that's the last thing that I remember.
Grissom: You know how you got the bruising around your eye?
Laura Garris: (shakes her head) I have no idea. I'm sorry. I was knocked out.
(She takes a shuddering breath and glances up at her husband JACK.)
Laura Garris: I just don't think I can help you.
Jack Garris: She's been through enough. Can we cut this short?
Grissom: Sure. I'd like to get a blood sample from you, though, if I could.
Laura Garris: What for?
Grissom: You've got scratches on your arm. If we can find traces of your blood in Rundle's truck we can match the DNA -- make our case against him that much stronger.
Jack Garris: Come on, Grissom, you have the guy. Isn't that enough?
Grissom: Yeah, well, we didn't get any prints off the duct tape, our audio guys are working on stuff. Right now, we need something more concrete if we want to prove that he did it.
Laura Garris: I want to help, jack.
Jack Garris: Okay, all right.
Laura Garris: Whatever it takes to put this guy behind bars I'll do.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(SARA works on finding prints. She finds one and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM]
(BRASS interviews CHIP RUNDLE.)
Brass: So you want to talk to us, no lawyer?
Chip Rundle: Why would I need a lawyer? Look, I told you I didn't know there was any money in that bag. h*t balls at that park twice a week. Ask around.
Brass: And the fact that you're Jack Garris' trainer?
Chip Rundle: How does that mean I kidnapped his wife? I know the dude.
Brass: Yeah.
(BRASS sits down.)
Brass: And the layout of the guy's house.
Chip Rundle: He pays extra for me to come to him.
Brass: You want to explain why we found your fingerprints all over the crate Laura Garris was buried in?
Chip Rundle: Look, unless it was from Jack's vineyard, I don't know. Helped him move some crates couple weeks ago up to his garage. I can't believe it. Y-y-you got nothing to hold me on. Going once, going twice ... sold ... to the man walking out the front door.
(CHIP stands up and walks toward the door. He pauses next to BRASS and puts a business card on the table in front of him.)
Brass: Don't go too far, pal.
Chip Rundle: My lawyer's number. In case you'd like to communicate with me again.
(CHIP heads for the door. GRISSOM walks into the room and they meet each other in the doorway.)
Chip Rundle: Hey, didn't I see you on the news tonight -- the chopper-- you were digging up Jack's wife? It's amazing. Hope you catch the guy.
Grissom: Me, too.
(CHIP leaves the room. GRISSOM turns around to look at BRASS.)
Grissom: So?
Brass: Aw, kid didn't give up a thing ... except the tape that'll break the case open.
(BRASS reaches for the tape recorder on the table and removes the disk inside. He gives it to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Did you let him know you were recording him?
Brass: Yeah. The guy has no idea what you science types can do with a little audiotape.
Grissom: Thank you.
(GRISSOM smiles and leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(WARRICK and CATHERINE both stand outside the driver's door. WARRICK peers in to the window.)
Warrick: How tall you do you think Mr. Moore is?
(CATHERINE sighs.)
Catherine: Six feet, I'd say.
Warrick: Old people must love hugging that steering wheel 'cause this seat is pushed all the way forward.
(WARRICK opens the door and squeezes himself into the front seat.)
Warrick: Oh!
(WARRICK settles in and looks at the mirror.)
Warrick: Oh ... well, I'm six feet and this mirror isn't helping me at all.
(CATHERINE looks around and gets a hunch.)
Catherine: Start the car.
Warrick: Why?
Catherine: Just do it.
(WARRICK starts the car and they're both startled by the loud rap music.)
Warrick: Whoo!
Catherine: Mr. Moore was not the last person to drive this car.
(WARRICK starts to get into the music.)
Catherine: (in a loud voice) Uh, turn the music off.
Warrick: This?
Catherine: (loud) Yeah.
Warrick: It's good stuff.
Catherine: (shouts) Nobody over nineteen ... (WARRICK turns off the music)
(immediately in a softer voice) ... was the last person to drive this car.
(WARRICK sighs.)
Warrick: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the lab where NICK and THD, the lab tech, are working on the audio tape.)
Nick: Hey, just in time. We're giving it a final run.
(The computer beeps and the ransom note tape comes on. The monitor shows the yellow voice pattern line moving.)
Altered Voice: (garbled, over computer) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies.
THD: This is the end of the same tape after a reverse algorithmic.
(THD types on the keyboard. The tape goes on a second time.)
Chip Rundle: (clearly, over computer) Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies.
Grissom: (smiles) Sounds like our guy to me.
Nick: (nods) It is. Now, ransom tape against your exemplar. You got it loaded up, T.H.D.?
THD: Right here.
(The tape from CHIP'S interview with BRASS goes on. The monitor shows a blue voice pattern line moving.)
Chip Rundle: (from tape) Look, unless it was from Jack's vineyard, I don't know.
Chip Rundle: (o.s.) Helped him move some crates couple weeks ago up to his garage.
Grissom: Survey says ... perfect match to the naked ear. Now, where's my spectrograph, so the defense attorneys can't claim that our alterations were altered?
(THD goes to another computer.)
THD: Right here. Uh, yellow lines are the ransom message blue's the interview.
(On the monitor, the yellow line and the blue line combine.)
Nick: There's something wrong. There's just a green line.
Grissom: That's 'cause the blue line is directly on top of the yellow line which makes it green. It's a perfect match.
Nick: We got our kidnapper.
Grissom: What do you do now, Nick?
Nick: I'll call Brass, tell him to go pick the guy up.
Grissom: But you tell Brass to drag his heels 'cause you still got work to do.
(SARA appears in the doorway.)
Sara: Grissom, can you look at something out back? Could be big.
Grissom: (to SARA) Yeah. (to NICK) Come see me after you raise Brass.
(GRISSOM walks out of the room, leaving NICK standing there confused. He turns to look at THD.)
Nick: What did I do wrong?
THD: I'm not going to spoil Grissom's fun. This is how he teaches all you guys.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK interview CHARLES MOORE.)
Warrick: Does anybody else drive your car, Mr. Moore?
Charles Moore: I was driving yesterday.
Catherine: Sir, that doesn't answer our question.
(The door to the interview room opens and JAMES MOORE walks in.)
James Moore: Pops ... hey, you okay?
(CHALRES MOORE looks up at JAMES. He turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Charles Moore: What's he doing here?
Catherine: Your grandson is an approved driver on your insurance. We had him pulled out of school.
Warrick: So, James you like Mos Def?
(JAMES looks at the scene, then takes a seat at the table.)
Catherine: Did you h*t that girl with your grandfather's car?
(JAMES MOORE doesn't say anything. He turns to look at his grandfather.)
James Moore: Pops, let me explain to them.
Charles Moore: No.
James Moore: They should hear what happened.
Charles Moore: They're going to ... from me.
(JAMES doesn't say anything more.)
Charles Moore: I asked James to drive with me. I don't do so good, night driving. When I h*t that girl I got knocked woozy, and James switched seats and took over the wheel ... got me home.
Charles Moore: He was worried about me, not the girl. One more moving violation and they take away my keys. I'm not saying good judgment was used but that's what happened.
Warrick: James you want to add anything to that?
James Moore: No. That's how it was.
Warrick: Will you please escort Mr. Moore back to his cell?
Officer: Sir.
(CHARLES MOORE stands up and heads for the door with the OFFICER. JAMES also stands up.)
James Moore: I'll come see you with a lawyer.
Charles Moore: Just not during school hours.
James Moore: I won't.
(CHARLES MOORE leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CHARLES MOORE exits the room and walks down the hallway with the OFFICER. JAMES walks out of the room and follows them slowly. CATHERINE exits the room and watches JAMES.)
Catherine: James. You have family? Someone you can call?
James Moore: There's just the two of us.
Catherine: We can give you a lift home.
James Moore: Thanks, no. I'll take the bus.
(JAMES leaves.)
Catherine: You know that James was riding solo that night.
Warrick: Like I know my middle name. Well, let's go back to the car and find the proof.
(WARRICK starts down the hall. CATHERINE doesn't follow him. WARRICK turns around to look at CATHERINE.)
Warrick: What?
Catherine: It's just that we've got so much power in this job which we use to get the bad guys. Once in a while, I'd like to use it to help the good guys like Mr. Moore and his grandson.
Warrick: And what-- forget about little Renda Harris?
Catherine: No ... what I'm saying is that ... putting James away isn't going to bring her back. Mr. Moore is willing to do the time and the victim's family gets closure.
Warrick: Hey, you don't think I'm feeling this? But we got to follow the evidence even if we don't like where it takes us. (b*at) It's the job.
Catherine: (sighs) Yeah. I know it.
Warrick: Hey, we start making deals with the devil and you don't get to walk away. You understand what I'm saying?
Catherine: Yeah. Momentary lapse.
(WARRICK turns and they both head out.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK walk through the hallway.)
Grissom: I want you to find something new on that tape.
Nick: Like what? We already matched the guy's voice.
Grissom: You know what the defense attorneys will do with that? That's who you're up against, in the end.
Nick: You think I don't know that? Aw, you been second-guessing me ever since I got on this case.
Grissom: People leave us clues, Nick. They speak to us in thousands of different ways. It's our job to make sure that we've heard everything they've said. Anything less is reasonable doubt.
Nick: I'll go back to the tape.
(NICK leaves. GRISSOM turns and looks inside the Break Room where CATHERINE is pouring herself a cup of coffee.)
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
Grissom: You any better?
(CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: What are you talking about?
Grissom: Your little major-minor blowup about Lindsey not wanting a party.
Catherine: Oh, that. Yeah. (sighs) I'm just afraid that I'm making her weird, you know?
Grissom: (looks at her) No.
Catherine: I work 24/7. I have no time for my friends. My daughter rarely sees me having any fun. And, all of a sudden, she doesn't want a party.
(CATHERINE grabs her cup and heads out the doorway. She and GRISSOM start down the hallway.)
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
Grissom: And that's because of you?
Catherine: Yes. I'm her mother. She mimics me.
Grissom: Well, then she'll be fine. I mean, look at you.
Catherine: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Grissom: Yeah.
(Behind them, SARA steps out into the hallway from the garage carrying a roll of tape.)
Sara: Hey, Grissom ... could you come tape me up?
(Without waiting for an answer, SARA ducks back into the room. GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: I love my work.
Catherine: It shows.
(GRISSOM turns and heads for the garage.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(SARA is sitting inside the car with her hands taped together in front of her. GRISSOM stands outside the passenger seat adding the last of the tape.)
Grissom: So, you found Laura's hairs here ... passenger side, front seat?
Sara: Right. Not in the back. Which made me ask, what kind of a kidnapper puts a woman bound and unconscious in the front seat? The back of my arm isn't touching the sheepskin, see?
Grissom: Yeah. So?
Sara: But, there is sheepskin fiber on the back of Laura's sleeve. That tells us Laura sat back like a normal person would.
(SARA holds out her taped wrists.)
Sara: Cut me, Mack.
(GRISSOM cuts the tape off.)
Sara: Like this.
(SARA pushes her arms back against the front seat to illustrate what she means.)
Grissom: So she wasn't bound at all?
Sara: Correct. But, would a kidnapper risk putting an unconscious woman in the front seat of his car, even unbound? Answer is usually in the question -- you taught me that. So, was she unconscious? We found halothane on the patio. Halothane knocks you out ... if you take it.
Grissom: So, you're saying she never inhaled the halothane?
Sara: Proof would be in her blood. Halothane stays in the system up to 48 hours.
Grissom: How pleased am I that I got a sample of her blood?
(GRISSOM trumps her and she sighs.)
Grissom: So you can go check at the lab, see how it turned out.
(SARA stands up.)
Sara: Damn it, I wanted to carry the ball over the line.
Grissom: I know.
(SARA heads out of the garage. BRASS walks into the garage.)
Brass: We just picked up our kidnapper-- Chip.
Grissom: What's up?
Brass: His lawyer was at his house -- wants to make a deal.
Grissom: No deals. We know what Chip has to offer.
Brass: Oh, yeah, Kreskin? What's that?
Grissom: Laura Garris.
Brass: The Victim?
Grissom: The Accomplice.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. CSI - PARKING LOT -- DAY]
(GRISSOM is out in the parking lot when NICK calls out to him and rushes to catch up with him.)
Nick: Hey!
Grissom: You got something that can't wait, Nick?
Nick: Yeah, the ransom tape enhanced -- mega-enhanced.
(NICK hands the tape to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Good. I'll listen to it right now.
Nick: All right. Hey, I just ... I didn't know there was more to look for, you know?
Grissom: You did it. It doesn't matter how we got here. Just remember this.
CUT TO:
[EXT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK examine the car. CATHERINE is in the driver's seat and finds something embedded in the steering wheel cover. She sighs.)
Catherine: When you want evidence, you can't find it. When you don't want it, it's as big as Dallas.
Warrick: What you got?
Catherine: Can you tell what that is?
Warrick: My Aunt Bertha could tell, and she's legally blind.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE look at each other.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(WARRICK and CATHERINE are back interviewing CHARLES MOORE. JAMES MOORE sits next to his grandfather -- not saying anything, not looking at them.)
Charles Moore: (perplexed) You want to look at my teeth? What kind of investigation is this?
Warrick: A forensic investigation, sir.
Charles Moore: Fine. You look at my teeth.
(CHARLES MOORE takes his false teeth out from his mouth and puts it on the interview table.)
Charles Moore: Give them back when you're done.
(CATHERINE clears her throat and look at JAMES. CHARLES puts his teeth back into his mouth.)
Catherine: James ... we found a tooth chip embedded in the steering wheel of your grandfather's car. It doesn't appear to be, uh, from your grandfather's teeth.
(JAMES looks at his grandfather.)
Warrick: James ... you have a chipped tooth? Must be an incisor, or we would have noticed.
James Moore: Pops, I'm sorry, but I got to.
Charles Moore: He's a good boy. It was an accident. I make him call ... let me know where he is especially when he's out after dark.
(Quick flashback to: JAMES MOORE is driving the car and talking to his grandfather on the cell phone. Rap music blasts on the radio.)
James Moore: Hey, pops, it's me. Tips were good.
(Flash cut to: Little RENDA HARRIS is moving along on her scooter.)
James Moore: Hey, I thought I'd go check out a movie over at the plex.
(Flash to: RENDA HARRIS on her scooter.)
James Moore: Okay. See you later.
(JAMES hangs up and glances away for a moment to put the phone away. At that moment, RENDA HARRIS crosses the car's path. JAMES looks up and hits the brakes, but it's too late. The car hits RENDA HARRIS. She screams. The scooter falls. JAMES lunges forward, hitting his teeth against the steering wheel.)
(He starts to panic. He reverses the car and leaves the scene.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Charles Moore: He drove straight home and wanted me to go to the police station with him.
James Moore: I didn't know that little girl was d*ad. I swear. I didn't know what to do. I knew Pops would know.
Charles Moore: I wouldn't let him turn himself in. That was my decision. Boy's going places - college -- he's got a real future.
Catherine: I'm very sorry, Mr. Moore. James, I'm afraid you're going to have to be taken into custody.
Charles Moore: Miss, please, now, I'm willing to serve his time.
Catherine: I know you are, Mr. Moore. We can't let you do that.
Charles Moore: I made him cover it up. That was my decision.
Catherine: He can explain all that to court. I'll be a witness.
(CATHERINE looks at WARRICK who also nods his head.)
Catherine: We both will.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(JAMES MOORE walks out of the interview room with handcuffs on and escorted by two officers. CATHERINE and WARRICK follow.)
Warrick: Hey... why don't you run on home? I'll handle this.
Catherine: Is this more of your new leaf?
Warrick: Your daughter gets out of school in a half hour, right? (CATHERINE nods.) On her birthday. (She nods again.) Why do you want to pick a fight with me now?
Catherine: I owe you.
Warrick: Don't think I won't collect.
(WARRICK turns and walks down the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM sits in his office with ear phones on listening to the disk. Behind him, the door opens and SARA walks in.)
Sara: Grateful d*ad CD?
(GRISSOM takes off the ear phones.)
Grissom: Who's d*ad?
Sara: No halothane in Laura Garris' blood which proves she was never knocked out. She went willingly. She and Chip faked her kidnapping -- which, of course, makes no sense at all.
Grissom: Because she ended up underground in a box.
Sara: With a black eye. Any theories?
Grissom: Greed.
CUT TO:
[INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and SARA interview LAURA GARRIS in their living room while she's sitting next to her husband.)
Laura Garris: That's ridiculous. I don't even know Chip Rundle except that he's Jack's trainer.
Grissom: But you became pretty good friends, didn't you?
Laura Garris: (shakes her head) No. Jack ... no.
Jack Garris: (looks at GRISSOM) I believe my wife.
Grissom: Thing is, Jack, I tend not to believe people. People lie. The evidence doesn't lie.
Sara: You and Chip made a plan to run away together with your hard-earned millions, Jack. Divorce is just too long and messy. Anyway, the plan was surprisingly well thought-out.
(Quick flashback to: CHIP RUNDLE grabs LAURA GARRIS from behind, clamping his hand over her mouth.)
Chip Rundle: Don't move.
Laura Garris: Ooh ...
(He lets her go. She turns around and jumps into his arms where they start kissing.)
(They start making their way slowly down the hallway, LAURA GARRIS still being carried by CHIP.)
Laura Garris: Go on, say it.
Chip Rundle: No, no!
(As they pass the large mirror in the hallway, LAURA tips it askew.)
Laura Garris: Say it!
Chip Rundle: What?
(The lamp falls to the floor. LAURA kisses CHIP.)
Laura Garris: Say the words.
(LAURA reaches out for the door frame.)
Chip Rundle: I love you.
(As they pass through the door frame, LAURA leaves a mark there.)
(Flash to: CHIP tracks dirt on the bedroom floor as he leaves.)
(They pass by the dresser where LAURA knocks everything to the floor.)
(CHIP hands LAURA a cloth.)
Chip Rundle: Put this on.
(LAURA puts the halothane on the cloth.)
Chip Rundle: A lot of it.
(CHIP carries LAURA out of the bedroom and through the patio where LAURA drops the cloth.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
SARA You were in, you were out. And you dropped that halothane rag to make sure we'd find it and know you were unconscious -- a real victim. Jack, all due respect -- she's anything but.
Laura Garris: Oh, really? Then how did I end up buried alive, scared to death?
Sara: We're getting to that. You and Chip drove out of town. She sat in the front seat, unbound, fully conscious. They stopped at a roadside phone. Chipper called in the ransom message and I think you were still in the truck then, right, Laura?
Laura Garris: Whatever. This is your thing.
Sara: Pay attention. It's about to become yours.
Grissom: (taking over) Then you both drove East towards Sandfill mine. He probably told you about some little line shack or something where you could stay while he picked up the ransom money. But then, all of a sudden, he pulled over -- probably made some excuse.
(Quick flashback to: CHIP walks away from the car. LAURA GARRIS shuts the car door and hesitantly follows him.)
Laura Garris: Chip... what are we doing?
Chip Rundle: Switching cars -- covering our tracks. I got a jeep up over this hill.
Laura Garris: Where?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: I bet, right away, in your gut, you knew something was up. And then, just a few minutes later you knew for sure.
(Quick flashback to: Over the hill, LAURA comes upon the wind box in the hole in the ground. She stops smiling. CHIP comes up behind her. LAURA turns around to look at CHIP. He swings and hits her in the eye, knocking her out.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: That's when, I believe, you got your black eye.
Laura Garris: I, uh ... I don't remember.
Grissom: And then, finally, you were unconscious. He duct-taped your hands and he buried you.
(NICK walks in to the room.)
Sara: Guess he figured why split $2 million when he can dump you and have it all.
Jack Garris: Laura?
Laura Garris: Jack, it's not true. I had no part in it.
Nick: Audio downloaded everything. Dubs are cued up.
(NICK starts to set up the speakers attached to the player.)
Grissom: Let's listen to Chip's message, okay? Remember, Jack when I told you you could hear a lot if you listened?
Jack Garris: Yeah.
(NICK takes a seat on the couch.)
Chip Rundle: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. Stop me from taking the money, she still dies.
Nick: I'm sure you all recognize Chip's voice unaltered. Now, one more time with a slight variation.
(NICK takes out another disk and switches it with the one in the player.)
Grissom: It's amazing what we can do with the new forensic audio programs. Enhance sounds, isolate them.
Nick: Heck, we can lift entire speeches just to see what's underneath.
(NICK shuts the player and turns it on.)
CUE SOUNDS: (from tape) CAR WHOOSING
Grissom: A car went by when Chip was on the phone to you, Jack. Scared you, didn't it, Laura? Thought it might be the police?
(Quick flashback to: On the side of the road, CHIP is on the phone. LAURA is hanging out the car window watching when the car on the road approaches them.)
Chip Rundle: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and third in three hours or your wife dies.
(She nervously glances at the car, then quietly says something to CHIP.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Let's hear it once more without that annoying car.
(NICK turns the player on where it's clear what LAURA says to CHIP.)
Laura Garris: (from tape) Chip, hurry up.
(JACK gasps and turns to look at LAURA.)
Jack Garris: You're my whole life.
Laura Garris: Please, Jack. Your work is your life. How else do you think I started sleeping with Chip right under your nose?
Nick: All right, let's go, Laura. Officer has a car waiting out front.
(LAURA stands up.)
Laura Garris: Just wait. Just wait a second. Grissom, I can help you. I can get you Chip not just on this. He was into a lot of things. Steroids. He was into credit cards. He was ...
(The officers put the handcuffs on LAURA.)
Grissom: We already have you both for about 25 years, minimum.
(The OFFICERS take LAURA out of the house.)
[EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - DAY]
SLOW MOTION CAMERA: The officers lead LAURA GARRIS out of the house. GRISSOM and crew follow.
Jack: There's one thing you didn't explain in there. As soon as you dug Laura up, why didn't she turn Chip in?
Grissom: Self-preservation. She rats on him, she rats on herself.
(They put LAURA GARRIS into the car. She turns and looks at JACK. JACK doesn't spare her a glance. He turns and walks back into the house.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARK - BENCH -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and LINDSEY sit on a bench eating popsicles.)
Catherine: So, did you have a good day at school?
Lindsey Willows: Yeah. Three friends made be birthday cards.
Catherine: They did?! Well, you have got some great friends. So, Lindsey ... how come you didn't want to have a party with them?
Lindsey Willows: I see my friends every day at school. I never get to be alone with you.
Catherine: Oh ... wow ... well, I'm really glad to be alone with you, too. I like this more than you will ever know.
(LINDSEY turns and sees a little boy and a little girl just about her own age riding a scooter.)
Little Boy: Come on, man. Little Girl: I'm coming!
(She turns to look at her mom.)
Lindsey Willows: Are you going to get me one of those for my birthday?
Catherine: Uh, maybe when you're older. (b*at) Like 40.
Lindsey Willows: (laughs) Mommy!
Catherine: Whatee?
Lindsey Willows: That's not fair.
Catherine: I know it's not fair. Life isn't fair.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - CORRIDOR -- DAY]
(JAMES MOORE empties his pockets. His grandfather stands on the side watching him.)
James Moore: Don't worry, Pops. I'll be okay.
(CHARLES MOORE sighs.)
Charles Moore: My grandson going to jail is never okay. (b*at) You stay alive in there. You hear me?
James Moore: (nods) You, too. Don't be going downhill.
(They hug each other.)
(WARRICK swallows. The OFFICER step up to get JAMES. The cell door opens. WARRICK grabs a pen and stops him.)
Warrick: Hold on. James ... the first couple days are going to be the toughest. Here.
(On JAMES' hand, WARRICK writes down a phone number.)
Warrick: Here's my cell number. You run into any problems you call me. I'll be right there. All right? Keep your head up.
(The officer leads JAMES to his cell. The doors close behind him.)
(WARRICK heads out, past CHARLES MOORE who had watched the entire exchange.. JAMES sits down in his cell.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK walks out of the room and into the hallway.)
Charles Moore: (o.s.) You didn't have to do that -
(WARRICK turns around to look at CHARLES MOORE.)
Charles Moore: ... give James your number. I've seen other law enforcement people in my day ...
Warrick: "My day." (chuckles) Reminds me of my grandmother. Yeah, I gave her a lot of rough nights, too. She used to call me her "work in progress."
Charles Moore: Yeah. Well ... she did something right.
Warrick: (nods slightly) Maybe.
(WARRICK turns and walks away.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x03 - Crate 'n Burial"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. LAKE MEAD - NIGHT]
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD - NIGHT]
(HANK and GEORGE are sitting in a boat fishing. HANK struggles to hook a worm.)
Hank: Ah, these green worms ain't worth a damn.
(Something thumps against the boat.)
George: What the hell was that?
Hank: I don't know, probably one of those eight-foot carp.
(Something thumps against the boat again. GEORGE is spooked.)
George: Let's get out of here.
(GEORGE reaches for the engine pull cord and rips it. The engine sputters and dies.)
Hank: Something probably caught on the blades. Check the prop.
George: I'm not sticking my hand in that water.
(HANK gets up to do it.)
Hank: (irritated) Move. Move out of the way. Okay.
(HANK reaches over the side of the boat and sticks his hand in the water. He feels around.)
Hank: Yeah, I got something.
(HANK pulls it up. He has his hand wrapped around the high heel of a woman's shoe.)
George: Dude, throw it back.
Hank: What the hell is it?
(As he lifts it up, it's apparent that the woman's leg is still attached to the shoe.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD SHORELINE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM sets up the light to shine it on the leg.)
(All around the lake, OFFICIALS comb the water for the rest of the body.)
(CATHERINE puts on her gloves as she approaches GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Femur. Strongest bone in the human body -- it's sliced clean through.
Grissom: Like a ginsu through a banana.
(BRASS walks up to them.)
Brass: So, what do you think, drowning?
Grissom: Yeah, probably, but under what circumstances? You don't wear flippers at a five-star restaurant. Why would you wear three-inch heels at a lake? (to CATHERINE) So, Watson? The game is afoot.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- MORNING]
(WARRICK and NICK are in the locker room. NICK is changing his clothes and stands there shirtless; WARRICK fiddles with his tie as he prepares to go to court.)
Nick: What do you think, bro? Breakfast on me?
Warrick: I got a court date ... straight off of graveyard. It sucks.
Nick: Ouch. Well, time-and-a-half. A cup of java, and you're set.
(SARA walks into the locker room.)
Sara: (o.s.) Fine suit.
(WARRICK and NICK turn around to find SARA in the locker room.)
Sara: (to NICK) And well, just fine.
Nick: That's harassment.
Sara: Hey, we have one locker room and it's my job to be observant.
(NICK grabs a shirt and puts it on.)
Warrick: Well, evidence vault opens in five. (WARRICK closes the locker door.)
See you guys later.
Nick: Later, bro.
Sara: Easy. So, you and me, 419 Western LVU.
Nick: I know, a d*ad body at a fraternity. 7:00 A.M.-Looks like we're pulling another double.
Sara: I know, we don't have all day ... are, are you going to wear ... that?
Nick: Yeah.
Sara: It's that hideous ...
Nick: Hideous. Thank you.
(SARA leaves the locker room. NICK waits a moment, then undoes the buttons of his shirt to change it. He clears his throat and takes his shirt off.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- MORNING]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS goes over the leg findings with CATHERINE.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Large propeller. Blade cut clean through. No epidermal bruising. The leg was severed post-mortem.
Catherine: Well, that's good news.
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS covers the leg with the plastic.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: How do you figure?
Catherine: Well, do you want to be alive when your leg's being cut off?
(The door bursts open and GRISSOM appears pushing a gurney with a body on it.)
Grissom: I believe this goes with that. (b*at) Divers recovered the body about a half a mile east of Calville Marina.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Female caucasian, mid-30s. Left thighbone connected to nothing. I believe this is our victim.
Catherine: Well, she's wearing a wedding ring.
Grissom: Will you collect a r*pe kit?
(DR. WILLIAMS looks up at GRISSOM.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Always do.
(She checks out the hand.)
Grissom: How's it look for prints?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Her skin's shriveled like a shar-pei. No pressure, no prints.
(GRISSOM looks expectantly at CATHERINE. CATHERINE knows that look.)
Catherine: No. No way, use your own hand.
Grissom: Come on, Catherine, my hand's too big.
Catherine: (firmly) No!
Grissom: It's the only way we can print her. Her skin on your hand should fit like a leather glove.
(GRISSOM reaches for the hand and a Kn*fe. CATHERINE watches as GRISSOM takes the skin off of the hand. When he finishes, he looks up at CATHERINE and extends his hand to her.)
Grissom: May I take your hand?
(CATHERINE puts her hand in GRISSOM'S and he leads her to the table where the fingerprint kit is. Although we don't see it, GRISSOM puts the d*ad woman's skin on CATHERINE'S hand.)
Grissom: On behalf of the decedent I thank you.
(He takes the fingerprint.)
Catherine: Umm ...
Grissom: I think we're going to know who she is by lunchtime.
Catherine: (shivers) Ugh!
CUT TO:
[EXT. WESTER LVU CAMPUS - FRATERNITY ROW - MORNING]
[INT. PHI ALPHA FRATERNITY HOUSE -- MORNING]
(NICK and SARA walk into the fraternity. NICK looks around.)
Nick: I can't believe I used to live in a place like this. It seems like a hundred years
Sara: And here I had all this respect for you.
(They walk up to the group of college guys waiting for them.)
Nick: Guys, Nick Stokes. This is Sara Sidle. We're with the crime lab.
(MATT DANIELS stands up and extends his hand to NICK.)
Matt Daniels: How you doing? I'm Matt Daniels.
Nick: Hey, Matt.
Matt Daniels: James is upstairs if you guys want to follow me.
Nick: Okay.
(MATT turns and heads out. NICK and SARA follow him.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PHI ALPHA FRATERNITY HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(SARA appears in the bedroom door. She looks inside and sees the body hanging from the ceiling. Also standing in the room is the DETECTIVE on the case. SARA walks in. NICK follows.)
Sara: Hey.
Detective Kane: Hey.
(NICK sighs.)
Nick: Good god.
Sara: (to the DETECTIVE) You see a su1c1de note?
Detective Kane: We didn't find one.
Sara: Don't release anyone downstairs. We want to talk to them. All of them.
(SARA puts her kit down and opens it.)
Nick: Coroner pronounce?
Detective Kane: Twenty minutes ago.
(SARA takes out the camera and snaps a photo.)
Nick: Let's get him down.
(NICK turns away from the sight.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(CATHERINE looks a the photo of the woman who was found in the lake, WENDY BARGER. She and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.)
Catherine: She's a floater, Wendy Barger. Thirty-four, local, Green Valley.
Grissom: We should contact her family.
Catherine: Already did. Talked to the husband. Never reported her missing.
Grissom: The coroner said she'd been in the water for two days. Where's the husband now?
Catherine: At the coroner's, I.D.-ing the body.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM meet up with DR. JENNA WILLIAMS who fills them in on her findings.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Hey. Results are back on the r*pe kit. Positive for semen, vaginal penetration.
Catherine: You confirming r*pe?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Well, there are signs of a struggle. The victim's right shoulder is dislocated. Her skull is fractured. (Inhales) Give me a little more time with the body.
Grissom: Sure. Thanks, Jenna.
(JENNA WILLIAMS leaves. CATHERINE and GRISSOM turn and enter the waiting room where WINSTON BARGER waits.)
[INT. CSI - WAITING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(WINSTON BARGER stands up when they enter the room.)
Grissom: Mr. Barger, my name is Gil Grissom.
Winston Barger: Hello.
(They shake hands.)
Grissom: This is Catherine Willows. We're forensics investigators. Sit down.
(They all sit down.)
Catherine: We need to ask you a few questions.
Winstone Barger: All right.
Catherine: Is there anyone that you know of that might have wanted to harm your wife?
Winston Barger: No. Everybody loved Wendy.
Grissom: When was the last time you saw her?
Winston Barger: Tuesday morning. She needed some time away ... to get perspective. She did that sometimes. Uh, we have a, a cabin up by Calville Bay.
(GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: And when was the last time you had intercourse with your wife?
Winston Barger: Oh, that-that's personal.
Catherine: It's part of our investigation, sir.
Winston Barger: Uh, well, the average is only once a week. Saturdays.
(There's an uncomfortable pause.)
Catherine: Mr. Barger ...
Winston Barger: (interrupts) Probably three or four months ago.
Grissom: Would you be willing to give us a DNA sample, sir?
Winston Barger: What's going on? I thought Wendy drowned.
Catherine: We're still trying to piece it all together. A sample would be helpful.
Grissom: By law, we need a warrant, unless you were willing to volunteer it.
CUT TO:
[INT. PHI ALPHA HOUSE - DAY]
(SARA and NICK interview KYLE TRAVIS and MATT DANIELS.)
Nick: Was James depressed?
Kyle Travis: You could say that.
Sara: Could you say that? I mean, the kid's 18 years old, he's got his whole life in front of him and why would he want to hang himself?
Kyle Travis: I don't know. He didn't get in?
Sara: "Get in" ... ?
Kyle Travis: The fraternity. Pledging. I mean, it's not easy.
Sara: Apparently not.
Nick: So, you guys let James know he wasn't getting in, right?
Matt Daniels: Yeah. I told him last night. I'm the one in charge of dinging pledges.
Sara: Big job? How'd he take it?
Kyle Travis: (pointedly) I think you know.
CUT TO:
[EXT. COURTHOUSE - PARKING LOT - DAY]
(WARRICK shuts the car door. He carries a sealed plastic container with him. He walks up to the COUNTY COURTHOUSE 423 where he sees JUDGE COHEN walking out toward him.)
Warrick: Hey, Judge. What's going on? I'm due in your court.
Judge Cohen: Called for a continuance.
Warrick: Well, nobody told me.
Judge Cohen: Nobody was supposed to tell you.
(JUDGE COHEN steps aside.)
Judge Cohen: You're going to do something for me.
Warrick: Judge, I thought we were even. How much longer am I under your thumb?
Judge Cohen: You do what I ask, slate's clean. Henderson r*pe case. State's evidence.
Warrick: Damn. I knew you were in tight.
Judge Cohen: Judges aren't appointed on a whim. I owed the family. I need you to compromise the chain of custody.
Warrick: Just like that?
(The JUDGE nods.)
Warrick: We got a slam dunk on a three-time r*pist and he's just going to walk?
Judge Cohen: I have to have this case kicked.
Warrick: I'm already on probation.
Judge Cohen: Give them an excuse. You're good at that. You worked the graveyard. You pulled a double and you're tired. It could happen to anybody. Don't worry. I've got your back.
Warrick: Yeah, I feel you back there, believe me.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY]
(GREG SANDERS looks through the scope, the music on his boom box playing. CATHERINE walks into the lab. GREG steps away from the scope and turns the music up.)
(GRISSOM walks into the lab and immediately gets into the music. He calls out to GREG.)
Grissom: (loudly) Hey, maestro, what's the deal on our floater?
(GREG doesn't hear him. GRISSOM turns the music down.)
Grissom: Excuse me. Professor? What's up with our floater?
Greg Sanders: Come hither.
(GREG puts the DNA results on the monitor. They look at it.)
[CAMERA CLOSE UP - SAMPLE F981189]
Catherine: DNA doesn't match.
Greg Sanders: Thirteen markers, and not one of them matches the husband's types.
Grissom: That's funny. I liked the husband for this.
CUT TO:
[INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM are in the interview room with WINSTON BARGER and his ATTORNEY.)
Attorney: Well, you were wrong. My client's been through enough distress. Winston, come on.
(The ATTORNEY stands up. WINSTON BARGER also stands up. Before he leaves the room, he looks at GRISSOM.)
Winston Barger: When you find out what happened to my wife, I want to know everything.
Grissom: I promise.
(WINSTON BARGER leaves the room. GRISSOM puts the file back in his case and sighs.)
Catherine: Let me ask you something. Would you want to know everything?
Grissom: You're asking the wrong guy.
(CATHERINE grabs her bag and they both head out of the room.)
Catherine: Barger as much as told us that he and his wife were having problems. She was staying at the lake. It wasn't the first time. And what do you think the chances are she was seeing somebody else?
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
Grissom: You were married. You tell me.
Catherine: Very good to excellent.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE VAULT - DAY]
(WARRICK signs back in the evidence box he took with him to court.)
Warrick: I need to see the Henderson r*pe case 4217.
Mike: Sure, in here.
(MIKE gets the key to the cage. He unlocks the door and they both enter the room. He reaches up on the shelf to bring the box down to the table.)
Mike: Uh, sign here.
Warrick: Thanks, Mike.
(WARRICK watches as MIKE leaves the cage. WARRICK hesitates and doesn't sign the sheet. Again, he puts the pen down on the sheet, but doesn't sign it. WARRICK sighs.)
(Behind him, GRISSOM appears in the door.)
Grissom: Hey.
(WARRICK looks up.)
Grissom: How's court?
Warrick: Uh, damn case was continued. Clerk never called.
Grissom: Look, go home. Take a day. You're been working your ass off.
Warrick: (shakes his head) Nature of the beast.
Grissom: I'm grateful, Warrick. I'm glad you're back. And I owe you a party.
Warrick: Party?
Grissom: Yeah, I made you a CSI three.
(WARRICK chuckles.)
Grissom: You'll see it in your next paycheck.
Warrick: More money, more problems.
Grissom: Mm ...
Warrick: Thanks.
Grissom: Yeah.
(GRISSOM turns to leave.)
Warrick: I appreciate it.
(WARRICK sighs and looks back at the evidence box.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(BRASS is eating lunch in the break room. CATHERINE is also there.)
Brass: If Wendy Barger was sleeping around, none of her friends knew about it.
Catherine: Anybody seen her since Tuesday?
Brass: Nope. And as far as I can tell, the husband's on the level. He was happier in the marriage than she was.
Catherine: She had something on the side. I can tell you firsthand when you don't cheat, you don't suspect.
Brass: Oh, man. I wish I had been married to you.
Catherine: Not a chance.
(CATHERINE closes her lunch and stands to throw it away.)
Brass: (exaggerated) Oh ... mm ...
(GRISSOM appears in the doorway.)
Grissom: Coroner just called. They're waiting for us.
Catherine: Okay. Brass, you coming?
Brass: (points to his food) I still got half a burger. Besides, I prefer live bodies.
(He chuckles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM head for the coroner's. WARRICK appears behind them, trying to catch up with GRISSOM.)
Warrick: Hey, Grissom. (They turn around.) You got a second? Uh, I'm in purgatory. Need some guidance.
Grissom: (to CATHERINE) Meet you at the car.
(GRISSOM walks toward WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CORONER'S FFICE - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(DR. CORBETT goes over JAMES JOHNSON'S findings with NICK and SARA.)
Dr. Corbett: Okay, here's your frat boy. We have a petechial hemorrhaging which is synonymous with asphyxia.
(Quick CGI Close up of the eye.)
Nick: So he asphyxiated by hanging? Are you ruling su1c1de?
Dr. Corbett: No, not yet. When a victim is found hung we usually find some teeth marks on the tongue.
(DR. CORBETT reaches into the mouth and pulls out the tongue.)
Sara: No teeth marks.
Nick: But we found him swinging from the ceiling.
Sara: So, the question is, how did he get there?
Dr. Corbett: Speaking of how did he get there ...
(DR. CORBETT lifts up the sheet. NICK turns away; SARA steps up.)
Dr. Corbett: How did this get on his penis?
Sara: Huh. Is that a tattoo?
Dr. Corbett: No, no, it looks like ink.
(NICK looks away. SARA looks at NICK.)
Sara: Nick? You want to take a look at this?
Nick: Oh, no, I ... don't have to look. I have a pretty good idea what this is all about, so ...
Sara: (smiles) Okay.
Nick: Knock yourself out.
CUT TO:
[INT. FRAT HOUSE - CHAPTER ROOM - DAY]
(NICK and SARA are back at the fraternity house interviewing KYLE TRAVIS and MATT DANIELS.)
NICK Does your fraternity practice hazing?
Kyle Travis: No.
Matt Daniels: Yeah, I mean, it took a long time for Phi Alpha to get its charter. We have a strict no-tolerance policy and as president, I enforce that to the letter.
Nick: (laughs) Come on, man, I was a Greek and we had all kinds of policies, too. Guys still hazed.
Sara: We found ink on James's penis. Are you trying to tell us he was just practicing his penmanship?
Matt Daniels: (insistent) State passed a law: No Hazing. It's six months in jail plus expulsion. We do not haze.
Kyle Travis: But there is an initiation.
(Quick flashback to: The Frat House. The new pledges and members meet.)
(Cut to: KYLE TRAVIS.)
Kyle Travis: Pledges, turn and face your active chapter.
(The pledges turn around and the members shine bright powerful lights on them, blinding them. The heckling begins.)
Kyle Travis: For the past ten weeks you guys have accumulated points. Some of you are way ahead. Some of you are way ... behind.
(Cut to: KYLE TRAVIS holding pens in his hands.)
Kyle Travis: (shouts) It's time ... to get signed!
(The frat boys cheer.)
Matt Daniels: (V.O.) I could tell right off the bat James was nervous, you know?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Matt Daniels: He was kind of the shy guy. I mean, he ... he wanted to pledge. He wanted to belong.
Kyle Travis: (correcting MATT) Yeah, he wanted to belong, but you know what, I questioned his chops. I think we all did.
(NICK clears his throat.)
Matt Daniels: So, yeah, we gave the pledges an assignment: They were to go to sorority row and, uh, get ... different parts of their bodies signed.
Kyle Travis: I mean, the menu was pretty straightforward. Arms and legs: Five points. Ten points for your chest, 25 points for your butt cheeks and 100 points for your Johnson.
Sara: Your Johnson?
Nick: Yeah, you know, your, uh ...
Sara: (to NICK) I know what it is. (to KYLE) Don't stop now.
(Quick flashback to: Fraternity House.)
Kyle Travis: And Johnson ... ...your sorry ass is so far behind in points that you better get your ... "Johnson" ... (KYLE reaches down and grabs JAMES. JAMES jumps in surprise.) ... signed a couple hundred times or you're... history.
(The members cheer and whoop.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Matt Daniels: Kyle caught him cheating in the bathroom.
(Quick flashback to: KYLE standing in the middle of the common room with his hand on JAMES' shoulder.)
Kyle Travis: He was signing himself.
Frat Boy: Oh, man! FRAT BOY: No!
(KYLE turns around and pours his cup of beer over JAMES' head.)
Frat Boy: What a fake!
(The other members join in and throw their cups full of beer on JAMES' also.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: You humiliate him in front of all the other actives. Poor kid was so scared, he had to sign himself. You give him a beer shower? And you don't call that hazing?
(Neither KYLE or MATT say anything. They look at each other. NICK gets angry at them.)
Nick: (firmly) Answer the question, guys.
Kyle Travis: I had no choice. I had to ding him.
Matt Daniels: I mean, come on, you're only as strong as your weakest link.
Kyle Travis: We didn't pledge him. He pledged us. He knew what to expect if he didn't measure up.
Nick: Humiliation, initiation ... (b*at) ... appreciation.
Kyle Travis: That's what it's all about.
Nick: Right, right?
Matt Daneils: We're sorry, but we didn't k*ll him.
(SARA looks at them.)
Sara: I don't buy it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(WARRICK is on the phone in the hallway.)
Warrick: (to phone) Judge ... Warrick. Listen, uh, I got a little problem. No, I can't talk about it over the phone. We got to meet in person. There's something in the evidence I think you should see. Good.
(WARRICK hangs up the phone and sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS goes over her findings with CATHERINE and GRISSOM.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: I'll start at the top. Head contusion, right temple. Imbedded with wood splinters, lime green paint.
(Camera zooms in to show the green-colored wood splinters in the head.)
Catherine: What does that give us?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Nothing yet, but when you find the m*rder w*apon it might give you something to compare it against. Moving down, three words. Write them down. Minimal pulmonary aspiration.
Grissom: (surprised) There was no water in her lungs?
Dr. Jenna Williams: All I'm saying is, if she died by drowning her lungs would be flooded.
(Quick CGI to: Camera zooms down WENDY BARGER'S open mouth, down through her wind pipe and into her lungs where water fills them up.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: (V.O.) But her lungs weren't flooded.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: So we think she was r*ped k*lled, then dumped in the lake.
Dr. Jenna Williams: After a very nice dinner. Which brings me to her stomach.
(DR. WILLIAMS picks up the container of her stomach contents.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Fried calamari and based on the extent of the digestion she died about three hours after she ate.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD - LATE DAY]
[EXT. RESTAURANT - LATE DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk along the pier toward the front of the restaurant.)
Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?
Grissom: 'Cause it's the only place within ten miles of Calville Bay that serves calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because...?
Grissom: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Oh. Alone?
Grissom: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. RESTAURANT - LATE DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM show the WAITRESS a photo of WENDY BARGER. She looks at it.)
Catherine: Do you recognize this woman?
Waitress: She might have eaten here Tuesday night right around this time.
Catherine: Ordered the calamari.
Waitress: Miss, everyone orders calamari.
Catherine: Well, I don't care about everyone. I care about her.
Waitress: Uh ... yeah. Yeah, I remember her. Um, she came in with a guy. Regulars. Good tipper.
Grissom: Would you happen to know this "good tipper"'s name?
CUT TO:
[INT. PHIL SWELCO'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview PHIL SWELCO.)
Catherine: Mr. Swelco, are you all right?
Phil Swelco: (sniff) I can't believe she's d*ad.
Grissom: Could you tell us about your affair with Wendy?
Phil Swelco: Nobody knew we had one.
Grissom: What about your wife?
Phil Swelco: We were separated. We filed for divorce last week. I thought Wendy was going to do the same thing.
Catherine: And... when she didn't, you got angry?
(He turns and looks at CATHERINE.)
Phil Swelco: No. No. That's not what I meant. I loved Wendy. She said the marriage was over. It's just that ... just ... she was scared.
Catherine: Scared? Why?
Phil Swelco: She didn't want to hurt Winston. She thought if she left, he'd ... break.
Grissom: Tuesday night you and Wendy had dinner at the grille? Where'd you go after that?
Phil Swelco: We went back to the marina in her car and then we took the outboard back here.
Grissom: Why'd you take the boat?
Phil Swelco: Wendy didn't want anybody to s-see her car in my driveway so we always met at the marina and then we'd take the outboard over here.
Catherine: What happened once you got here?
Phil Swelco: We made love. Then she left. Took the boat back.
(CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Where is ... the boat?
Phil Swelco: At the marina.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. PHIL SWELCO'S HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk out of the house and head back to their car.)
Catherine: Do you believe him?
Grissom: I believe he had an affair.
(GRISSOM looks out into the driveway and sees WINSTON BARGER standing in front of his car. He sees them and starts heading toward them.)
Catherine: Is that the husband?
(WINSTON BARGER walks up to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Mr. Barger, what are you doing here?
Winston Barger: You didn't call, so I was following you. Uh, this is ... Phil Swelco's house, isn't it?
Grissom: Do you know Mr. Swelco?
Winston Barger: Informally. Does he have something to do with Wendy's death?
Catherine: We're interviewing a lot of people. Most of it's follow-up.
(He nods.)
Grissom: Mr. Barger, this is a time when you ought to let us do our job. You've been through a terrible ordeal. You've asked us to keep you posted and I promise we will keep you posted.
Winston Barger: I just wanted to see if you guys have anything new.
Catherine: As soon as we know, you'll know.
Winston Barger: All right.
(WINSTON BARGER walks back to his car and gets in.)
Grissom: Drive safely.
(The engine starts and he drives off.)
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM head back to their car.)
Catherine: You know, eventually we're going to have to tell him that his wife was having an affair with somebody he knows.
Grissom: No, we don't, Catherine. We have to tell him how he died. Just the facts, without all the other stuff.
Catherine: When Eddie was cheating on me I sure wish somebody would have said something.
Grissom: You mean me.
(b*at)
(CATHERINE opens the car door.)
Catherine: Who else?
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM looks a the tarantula in the t*nk he's holding up to his eye level. CATHERINE knocks on the door. He looks up; she walks into the office.)
Catherine: New pet?
Grissom: The African Red Baboon Tarantula -- the most feared of all arachnids. But basically harmless.
Catherine: Yeah, well just keep the lid on it, okay?
Grissom: I think you scared him. All his hairs are standing up.
Catherine: If you're through amusing yourself I have some news on the boat.
Grissom: Was it at the Marina?
Catherine: What do you think?
Grissom: My spider sense says it wasn't.
Catherine: Right. We need to find the boat.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(NICK puts his food in the microwave oven. SARA walks into the break room waving a file folder.)
Sara: The coroner's prelim on the frat hanging.
Nick: Bust it out.
(SARA lifts her head and sniffs.)
Sara: What's that smell?
Nick: I'm nuking a burrito.
Sara: Mmm, junk food and radiation-- good combo.
(SARA opens the file and starts reading.)
Sara: A strip of raw calf's liver was found lodged inside the cleft of victim's throat. Cause of death: Choking.
Nick: (nods) Mm-hmm. That's interesting.
Sara: Microscopic threads of fabric were found embedded in the liver.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(NICK and SARA interview KYLE TRAVIS.)
Kyle Travis: Microscopic fabric? I have no idea what you're talking about. You just lost me.
Nick: Kyle, I'm getting that "hazing" feeling.
Sara: Did you stuff him? Suffocate him? Shove towels down his throat?
Kyle Travis: No. Look, lady, I have no idea where you're going with all this but you're way off.
(NICK stands off to the side in the shadows.)
Nick: Tell me about the liver.
Kyle Travis: What about the liver?
Nick: Kyle ... Kyle ... eleven years ago I was you, man. Smoking cigars in closets, playing t*nk. I wore a trout in my jean pocket for seven days till my leg went half numb. I've been there. So, don't ... don't tell me "what about it?"
Kyle Travis: (sighs) Okay. James begged us for one more sh*t so, we came up with a challenge.
(Quick flashback to: Camera close up of a bloody piece of liver in a container.)
Kyle Travis: (V.O.) Swallowing raw liver.
(KYLE holds up the piece of liver. JAMES JOHNSON opens his mouth.)
(Cut to: JAMES coughs. MATT DANIELS sits on the couch on the side watching. He starts to choke.)
Kyle Travis: Oh, man. Oh, man, he's choking.
(MATT gets off of the couch.)
Matt Daniels: Give him the heimlich. Give him the heimlich. Give him the heimlich!
(They grab JAMES and try to get the liver out of him.)
Matt Daniels: He's turning blue!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: How does a kid choke to death and end up hanging from a rafter?
(KYLE doesn't look at SARA. He looks at NICK. NICK nods his head and steps away.)
Kyle Travis: (sighs) Okay. We freaked. I mean, we had a lot to lose here. We could lose our charter or get kicked out of school or even go to jail. So, me and Matt, we strung him up, and ... made it look like he'd committed su1c1de.
(NICK looks down and nods his head.)
Sara: You do realize you just admitted to k*lling him?
Kyle Travis: We didn't k*ll him. It was an accident.
Sara: It was an accident. But now it's beginning to look like Christmas.
Kyle Travis: Look, (sighs) ... my dad's a top defense attorney so, if charges are filed ...
(NICK grabs a chair and sits down.)
Nick: Don't worry. They will be.
Kyle Travis: It'll be manslaughter, not m*rder. And me and Matt wind up with community service.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and SARA walk out into the hallway.)
Nick: We can hold him for manslaughter.
Sara: Manslaughter -- are you kidding? Are you willing to settle for that? Come on, Nick, you know as well as I do there is more to this.
Nick: You're going 80 miles an hour in second gear. Let's just slow down, all right?
Sara: Okay.
Nick: They said they performed the heimlich, right?
Sara: Yeah. I don't believe them.
Nick: Well, if they performed the heimlich, there'd be evidence of trauma.
Sara: Yes, there would.
(SARA nods and walks away. NICK follows her.)
CUT TO:
(The camera zooms down from a top view of JAMES JOHNSON under the sheet and stops on his chest.)
DISSOLVE INTO
[INT. CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE - X-RAY LAB - DAY]
CLOSE UP: CHEST X-RAY ON A VIEWBOX
(DR. CORBETT goes over the chest x-ray with SARA and NICK.)
Dr. Corbett: Well, now, you're right. If they gave this frat kid the heimlich chances are we'd find a broken rib.
Nick: Not even a fracture.
Sara: What about abdominal or thoracic bruising?
Dr. Corbett: Nope. Photos are all negative.
Sara: They lied. When this kid was choking, no one tried to help him.
Dr. Corbett: Take a look at this.
(DR. CORBETT moves to the keyboard monitor. He works on the keyboard.)
Dr. Corbett: Now, we magnified Mr. Johnson's privates.
(SARA glances back at NICK and sees that he's watching the monitor. NICK glances at SARA.)
Dr. Corbett: The ink is from a felt tip. It's a paper max thin tip to be exact.
(SARA nods her head.)
Sara: (reading) "JILL W." Two triangles.
Nick: (correcting) No, it's two deltas. Greek letters. She's a delt.
(SARA closes her eyes and groans.)
Sara: Freaks.
CUT TO:
[INT. SORORITY HOUSE - COMMON ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK and SARA interview JILL WENTWORTH. NICK takes out a photograph of the
"signature" and shows it to JILL WENTWORTH)
Nick: Jill, we need to ask you a question. Is this your signature?
(She looks at it, covers her eyes and laughs.)
Jill Wentworth: (laughing) Oh, my god. Oh, where did you get that?
Sara: Where do you think?
Jill Wentworth: You don't think that has something to do with what happened?
Nick: We don't know yet. That's what we're trying to find out. How well did you know James?
Jill Wentworth: Uh, he was pledging my boyfriend's house. We're Greek, I mean ... we sign them. They sign us. ...
Sara: (unimpressed) Of course you do.
Nick: Who's your boyfriend?
Jill Wentworth: Kyle Travis.
(SARA looks at NICK. He clears his throat and looks down.)
CUT TO:
[INT CORRIDOR OUSTIDE JAMES' ROOM]
(NICK breaks the seal to JAMES JOHNSON'S dorm room. He opens the door. He and SARA walk inside.)
[INT JAMES' ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and SARA put their kits down and start searching the room.)
Sara: So, looking for fibers.
Nick: Yeah, fibers liver-anything to implicate these guys.
(NICK looks across the room and heads for the trash can. He looks inside and empties its contents on the floor. He picks up a piece of string with a bloodied loop on the end.)
(Camera zooms in to show the bloodied string loop.)
Sara: What the heck is that?
Nick: The m*rder w*apon. Dingle-dangle.
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(WARRICK walks down the hallway drinking from a cup. He meets up with GREG SANDERS who is wearing head phones.)
Warrick: Let me guess. Radiohead or Rage against the machine.
Greg Sanders: Actually, it's an audio book on restriction enzyme analysis and DNA typing. PCR fingerprinting. Choice.
Warrick: Right.
(As they pass the garage, GREG looks in through the window and sees GRISSOM inside.)
Greg Sanders: What's Grissom doing in the garage?
Warrick: Oh, he's working that Wendy Barger case -- you know, the floater?
Greg Sanders: Oh.
Warrick: Only clue he's got is a missing boat which sucks, 'cause ... it's missing.
Greg Sanders: (chuckles) He thinks he's going to find it in a bathtub?
Warrick: It's a simulation t*nk. He's re-creating the conditions the night she died. Body was dumped, like, a half mile from Calville Bay. They think the boat must have drifted with the currents.
Greg Sanders: And let me guess -- Catherine got bored.
Warrick: Well, you know Grissom. Shortest distance between two points is science. And for Catherine, it's pounding the pavement.
Greg Sanders: Hey, I thought Grissom gave you the night off.
Warrick: (nods) Yeah. Something came up. See you.
(WARRICK walks away.)
CUT TO:
SCENES #33:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM puts a card with "SWELCO" on one section of the t*nk. GRISSOM opens the map and double checks the cards surrounding the t*nk. The camera pans from BARRING POINT BRIDGE to FLAMINGO REEF to MARINA / CALVILLE BAY.)
(Once he has it, he puts the map away and picks up a small motor that he puts into the t*nk to simulate the currents.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD SHORELINE - NIGHT]
(Camera close up of CATHERINE'S boots trudging through the water and carrying a big flashlight.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI GARAGE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM sets up a fan on the outside of the t*nk to simulate the wind conditions.)
(He moves around the t*nk carrying a compass to double check the current and wind conditions.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD SHORELINE - NIGHT]
(Out near the water's edge, CATHERINE scans the shoreline with her flashlight.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI GARAGE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM picks up a small plastic toy boat from off the table. With the compass in hand, he heads for the t*nk.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD SHORELINE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE continues to walk along the shoreline, using the flashlight to look for the boat.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM carries the boat to its starting point: the label marked SWELCO. He puts the boat in the t*nk and sets it off. He watches as the boat swings toward FLAMINGO REEF and past BARRING POINT BRIDGE.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. BARRING POINT BRIDGE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks under the bridge. She uses the flashlight and checks the shoreline for the missing boat. She sees something. She tucks the flashlight under her arm and uses the night vision binoculars.)
NIGHT VISION GREEN: (The boat is tucked in the reeds on the water.)
(CATHERINE puts down her binoculars and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(The phone rings. GRISSOM answers it.)
Grissom: Yeah? Grissom.
INTERCUT WITH:
Catherine: It's me. I found it. Just South of Barring Point Bridge.
Grissom: How?
Catherine: I took a walk.
(GRISSOM walks toward the water t*nk.)
Grissom: Just South of Barring Point Bridge? What color is the boat?
Catherine: It's white with lime green trim. Just like the splinters we found in Wendy Barger's head wound.
Grissom: Well done, Catherine. Well done.
(CATHERINE stifles a giggle.)
Grissom: (from phone) let's get the boat back to the garage.
(GRISSOM hangs up the phone and looks at the water t*nk. Inside, the toy boat stopped at BARRING POINT BRIDGE.)
(GRISSOM looks down into the water and sighs.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. PARK -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK sits on a park bench. JUDGE COHEN approaches him. WARRICK stands up.)
Judge Cohen: This better be good.
Warrick: I need some assurances.
Judge Cohen: It's a two-way street, pal. Did you do what I asked?
Warrick: I checked out the evidence, yeah. But I'm not sure about the rest.
Judge Cohen: What's the big deal? You break the seal on the evidence box it's over. We put it to bed, I tell Henderson "mission accomplished."
(WARRICK raises his hand and gives a thumbs up signal.)
Warrick: Why don't you let me do that?
(The Police Siren blare and officers arrive at the park. JUDGE COHEN looks around.)
Judge Cohen: What's going on here?
(BRASS walks up to WARRICK and JUDGE COHEN.)
Brass: Judge Cohen, you're under arrest for obstruction of justice tampering with state's evidence and violating seven articles of scumbag.
(JUDGE COHEN turns to look at WARRICK. WARRICK lifts his shirt to show him the listening device taped to his chest. The officers put the JUDGE in handcuffs.)
Warrick: I told you ... nobody owns me.
(WARRICK puts his shirt down. The OFFICER takes JUDGE COHEN away.)
Officer: Move on.
Brass: Nice work, man.
(WARRICK sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT]
(GREG walks into the break room where GRISSOM is eating.)
Greg Sanders: Hey, Grissom. I hear Catherine b*at you to the boat.
Grissom: We work as a team. We're not competing.
(GREG gets his yogurt out of the refrigerator and opens it.)
Greg Sanders: Okay. But, ah, she found it first. Right?
Grissom: "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and, sorry I could not travel both."
Greg Sanders: Robert Frost.
Grissom: Very good, Greg.
Greg Sanders: Thanks.
(GREG takes a seat opposite GRISSOM.)
Grissom: But actually, in this case, Mr. Frost does not apply. When you have a partner you each take a road. That's how you find a missing boat.
Greg Sanders: Come on. Level with me. Who do you think k*lled her -- the husband or boyfriend?
(GRISSOM looks at GREG.)
Grissom: And you've narrowed it down to just two suspects?
Greg Sanders: Actually, you did. You see, my second week at CSI, you told me that when a cheating spouse is m*rder there's always two suspects at the top of the list: The lover and the betrayed.
Grissom: I told you this?
Greg Sanders: Mm-hmm. You see, I'm thinking that the husband caught Wendy with the boyfriend and when she left his house, he k*lled her in a jealous rage.
Grissom: And this theory is based on...?
(GRISSOM stands up.)
Greg Sanders: Nothing. I'm just trying to help.
Grissom: I'm going to the garage to meet Catherine. (GRISSOM tosses his plate.) You keep thinking, Butch. That's what you're good at.
(GREG stands up to follow GRISSOM to the door.)
Greg Sanders: Hey. If this theory checks out, uh maybe we should talk about a raise.
Grissom: Yeah.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(Camera opens on PHIL SWELCO'S BOAT #NV355 and around the Yamaha engine.)
(GRISSOM checks the inside of the boat. CATHERINE checks the outside edges of the boat.)
(CATHERINE sees something.
Catherine: I think I may have found some skin. When Wendy h*t her head. Did you hear what I said?
(GRISSOM picks up the camera and holds it.)
Grissom: Blood.
Catherine: Blood? Well, you were at the autopsy. The head trauma wasn't a bleeder.
Grissom: Well, maybe she fought back. Either way, we got to call Brass. Tell them to bring the boyfriend in.
(CATHERINE puts her things aside and walks to find a phone. GRISSOM snaps the photo.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(BRASS opens the door and PHIL SWELCO walks out into the hallway.)
Brass: Could you wait right here, please? (to the OFFICER) Stay with Mr. Swelco.
(BRASS walks up to GRISSOM. CATHERINE joins them.)
Grissom: How's it going?
Brass: Aah, you know, the usual beep-bap-bop, you know? The guy said he cut his hand cleaning fish. Got a tetanus sh*t. That's his excuse for the blood we found on the boat. But I'll call the Lake Clinic to confirm.
Catherine: (teasing) Damn, you're good.
(In the background, WINSTON BARGER appears in the hallway.)
Brass: Oh, shut up. Stevie, hang with him.
Winston Barger: (o.s.) Phil? Phil Swelco?
(PHIL SWELCO looks up.)
(At the sound of his voice, GRISSOM and CATHERINE straighten and look back at WINSTON BARGER.)
Phil Swelco: Winston. (b*at) I heard about your wife. I'm sorry.
Winston Barger: What are you doing here? Why are you questioning him?
Catherine: Mr. Barger, why don't you, um come over here with me. Just walk over ...
(CATHERINE takes WINSTON BARGER down one end of the hallway. GRISSOM goes to PHIL SWELCO.)
Grissom: Mr. Swelco. Why don't we go in here sit down.
(GRISSOM takes PHIL SWELCO back into the room.)
Catherine: Have a seat.
(They sit down.)
Winston Barger: I always knew she was seeing someone. I just didn't know who.
Catherine: (sighs) Oh, I'm sorry.
Winston Barger: She was having an affair with Phil Swelco? And you think he k*lled her.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE argue in the parking lot.)
Grissom: You just compromised our investigation.
Catherine: He deserved to know the truth.
Grissom: Knowing how she died, yes. Knowing that she had an affair -- how does that bring closure?
Catherine: I guess you just have to be on the wrong end of an affair to understand.
Grissom: You can't make this about Eddie. Look, you hurt our case because your ex hurt you.
Catherine: We bring ourselves to our cases. We can't help it. I knew how Barger felt. Would you just relax? I didn't give him chapter and verse.
Grissom: You can't give him anything, Catherine. We're scientists. We're not psychiatrists or victims' rights advocates.
Catherine: You right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo watching discovery on the big screen working genius-level crossword puzzles, but no relationships. No chance any will slop over into a case. Right. I want to be just like you.
Grissom: Technically, it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right. I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.
Catherine: Grissom ... what personal stuff?
CUT TO:
[INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and SARA re-interview MATT DANIELS.)
Nick: Matt, I got to know. How much did it tick Kyle off?
Matt Daniels: What are you talking about?
Nick: Jill. (laughs) Man, Kyle must've been steamed. His girlfriend signs a pledge's privates?
Matt Daniels: Yeah, Kyle, can take a joke.
Sara: He didn't think it was funny enough to share it with us. You know, I never met a guy who could just laugh that off.
Nick: Hey, Matt you know why I joined a fraternity? 'Cause I wanted to belong to something -- the brotherhood. That's what it was all about for me you know what I mean? So, I'm going to cut to the chase here, bud. You come clean, you might be able to save your house ... save the brotherhood, but ... if you don't ...
Sara: You and Kyle both get charged with m*rder. And the House goes dark.
Nick: Everything you're trying to protect you'll destroy. Matty, I found the string. Now are you ready to tell us what happened after James got back to that house?
Matt Daniels: Okay.
(Quick flashback to: )
Matt Daniels: Hey, let's see what Johnson came up with.
Frat Boy: Yeah? FRAT BOY: Yeah, let's see it, dude. FRAT BOY: Show it!
(JAMES nods and takes off his pants.)
Matt Daniels: Dude ... that's your girlfriend. She signed it.
(KYLE steps up. JAMES smiles smugly at KYLE. They guys hoot in the background.)
Kyle Travis: Good.
(JAMES puts his pants back on.)
Kyle Travis: Meet me upstairs, pledge.
(White flash to: KYLE and JAMES are up in the bedroom. KYLE holds onto the string with the piece of raw liver on it.)
Kyle Travis: You're still behind in points. So this is what we're going to do. I'm going to put this down your throat you're going to swallow it and you're going to trust me to pull it back out. Okay.
(KYLE holds out the piece of liver and JAMES swallows it. He pulls on the string and it comes loose. JAMES chokes on the piece of liver. KYLE sits in front of JAMES and watches him.)
(Cut to: MATT sees KYLE in the doorway.)
Matt Daniels: Dude, where's Johnson?
(MATT walks into the room and his smile freezes when he sees JAMES d*ad.)
(White flash to: MATT stares at JAMES' body.)
Matt Daniels: Oh, oh, this is crazy.
Kyle Travis: All right, all right, all right, listen to me. Anything goes down my father will bail out the chapter.
(Flash to: )
Kyle Travis: Now you're just going to follow my lead and you're going to keep your mouth shut.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(MATT puts his head down. SARA looks over at NICK. NICK nods his head.)
CUT TO:
[INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - HOLDING CELL - NIGHT]
(Inside the cell, KYLE TRAVIS lies on the bed. The sliding door opens and closes. SARA and NICK walk in.)
Kyle Travis: Is my dad here yet?
Sara: No, but when he gets here, you can tell him. New charge: First degree m*rder.
(KYLE sits up on the bed.)
Kyle Travis: No way, come on. That's ridiculous.
Nick: Your boy rolled over on you, slick.
Sara: One thing about the fraternity upstate, the brotherhood's fantastic.
Nick: Oh, yeah. They gonna love you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM checks the gasoline can. It clangs hollowly. He puts it down. He and CATHERINE stand outside of PHIL SWELCO'S boat.)
Grissom: She ran out of gas.
Catherine: Okay.
Grissom: Get in the boat. Pull the engine cord.
Catherine: What?
Grissom: Get in the boat.
Catherine: Why?
Grissom: Just indulge me, please?
Catherine: There's no gas. It's not gonna start.
Grissom: That's not the point.
Catherine: (sighs) As long as there is one.
(She steps into the boat. She braces her foot on the edge of the boat and pulls the engine cord. Nothing happens.)
Grissom: Pull it again.
(CATHERINE rips the cord.)
Grissom: Go on.
(Again.)
Grissom: More.
(And again.)
Grissom: Harder.
(And again several more times.)
Grissom: Go on.
(She finally drops the cord and turns angrily to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: That's it. What's your point?
Grissom: How does your shoulder feel?
Catherine: It's sore. (realizing) But you already knew that.
Grissom: I know what happened to Wendy.
(Quick flashback to: WENDY BARGER kisses PHIL SWELCO goodbye.)
Grissom: (V.O.) She says good night to Swelco ...
(Cut to: PHIL SWELCO pushes the boat away from the pier with WENDY inside.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... and gets in the boat. Halfway home, the boat runs out of gas.
(Cut to: WENDY sits inside the unmoving boat.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... Stranded in the middle of the lake, she panics. Starts pulling on the engine cord.
(WENDY pulls on the cord multiple times.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... She pulls so hard, she dislocates her shoulder and falls forward.
(WENDY hits the edge of the boat and falls overboard. She remains floating in the water.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... Wendy goes under, where she remains until a barge's propeller severs her leg.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: She died before she ever h*t the water.
Catherine: It was just an accident.
Grissom: Well, sometimes it's about what didn't happen.
Catherine: Well ... (sighs) ... I guess we better go talk to the husband. I mean, unless you think I'm going to compromise the integrity of the case again.
(CATHERINE gets up.)
Grissom: Look ... could we have a truce?
Catherine: I would love to.
Grissom: Good.
(GRISSOM helps CATHERINE out of the boat.)
Grissom: But let me do all the talking to the husband and the boyfriend.
Catherine: (shakes her head) (quietly) He had to say it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK spots GRISSOM in the hallway.)
Warrick: Hey.
(CATHERINE walks out into the hallway.)
Grissom: I'll meet you outside, okay?
Catherine: Okay. Hey, Warrick.
Warrick: Hey, Cath.
(CATHERINE puts on her jacket and heads outside.)
Grissom: Did it go okay?
Warrick: Yeah. Fine. Thanks for letting Brass handle it.
Grissom: The fewer people who know about this the better.
(WARRICK nods)
Grissom: I'm proud of you. You know, Judge Cohen's got a lot of soldiers.
Warrick: Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
Grissom: You know, I can only help you out so much. After that, it's up to you.
Warrick: Yeah, I know.
(GRISSOM heads outside leaving WARRICK standing there.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAKE MEAD - MORNING]
Cue Sound: KNOCKING
[INT. PHIL SWELCO'S HOUSE - MORNING]
(The door opens. GRISSOM and CATHERINE are standing outside on the porch.)
Grissom: Hello?! Mr. Swelco?! Mr. Swelco?! Mr. Swelco?
(They open the door. CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk inside.)
(They both head upstairs.)
(PHIL SWELCO is on the ground, d*ad. WINSTON BARGER sits in the nearby chair crying. The g*n still in his hand.)
Winston Barger: He k*lled my wife.
Catherine: We just came from your house. We wanted to tell you that your wife's death was an accident.
Winston Barger: What?
(GRISSOM walks over to WINSTON BARGER. He takes a glove out of his pocket and grabs the g*n from his loose grip.)
(CATHERINE kneels down to check on PHIL SWELCO.)
Grissom: He didn't k*ll her.
(WINSTON BARGER whimpers and starts crying.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x04 - Pledging Mr. Johnson"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. VARIOUS DESERT (STOCK)- NIGHT]
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT - NIGHT]
(A naked man runs in the desert. He looks desperately behind him as he runs away from something.)
(He runs and runs and runs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT - DAY]
(The camera shutter clicks as WARRICK takes a photo of the crime scene. In front of him, GRISSOM kneels over the body while NICK stands behind him watching.)
Grissom: Maggots. This kid's been here awhile.
(GRISSOM turns the body over to its side. WARRICK continues to photograph the body.)
Grissom: No g*n wounds. No s*ab marks. No signs of strangulation.
Warrick: It's a long way out in the sticks just to drop d*ad.
(GRISSOM stands up and looks around.)
Grissom: (sighs) Not if you're being chased.
(GRISSOM starts to walk around to look at the ground around the body.)
Grissom: Look at the foot patterns leading up to the body. See the strides? This kid was running.
(GRISSOM kneels down by a footprint impression in the dirt.)
Grissom: See the left foot impression? It's straight; that's normal.
(GRISSOM looks at the next print.)
Grissom: But look at the right foot impression. It's turned outward. Almost
90 degrees.
Warrick: He was looking over his shoulder when he was running. Think there was somebody else here?
Grissom: Based on these prints, it's hard to tell.
Warrick: (to the OFFICER) Can I get this taped off here?
Officer: Yes, sir.
(GRISSOM kneels down back at the body and looks at it again.)
Warrick: So you want to call it? How do you think he died?
Grissom: Fear. (b*at) Someone chased this kid to death.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM'S working in his darkened office. He adjusts the overhead lamp, then writes something down. He's working on an experiment. He as a pan with a piece of paper in some kind of liquid with the different colored light above it.)
(He again adjusts the light and checks the meter reading.)
(GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Grissom: (to phone) Grissom. (pause) No. (pause) No, yes, I did. Thank you.
(GRISSOM hangs the phone up and puts it down on the table beside him. He goes back to his experiment.)
(Someone knocks on the door lightly and it opens. CATHERINE and WARRICK walks in. They glance around in the darkened office looking for GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Hey, you want to give us our assignments or do you want us to take... the night off?
(GRISSOM adjusts the light again.)
Grissom: (irritated) Paperwork, paper clips, paper-punchers -- all these people want me to do is push paper; nobody wants me to solve crimes.
Catherine: Hey, (shrugs) ... you could've turned the job down.
Grissom: Yeah, the grass is always greener, Catherine.
(GRISSOM adjusts the light again, not making a move to get up.)
(CATHERINE waits a moment, then reaches out to help him.)
Catherine: Well let's just hurry this up.
(She grabs the lamp and pulls it down into the pan below. It immediately catches f*re.)
(GRISSOM sighs.)
Warrick: Cool.
Catherine: You really want to see flash paper flash? Walk in on a bookie.
Grissom: That's what this was about-- bookies.
(GRISSOM'S phone rings again. CATHERINE turns and walks over to GRISSOM'S desk.)
Catherine: Don't answer it.
(She grabs the assignment sheets off of the desk and hands them to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: We've got work to do ... boss.
(The phone continues to ring. GRISSOM grabs the assignments from CATHERINE and follows them out of the office. He hangs the phone up and tosses it on the table as he leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(Walking through the hallway, GRISSOM hands out the assignments.)
Grissom: Warrick, you and I are on the four-nineteen -- our d*ad body in the desert.
(GRISSOM hands the assignment sheet to WARRICK. He takes it.)
Grissom: Sara, d*ad body of your own. Dumpsite out near Henderson.
(SARA takes the assignment sheet from GRISSOM and looks at it.)
Sara: Oh, I'll dress down.
Grissom: Catherine, Verbum Dei Charter School. Four-twenty homicide. The school dean was k*lled in his office. Suspect called it in; could be self-defense.
(CATHERINE takes the sheet. She and SARA continue down one hallway, while GRISSOM stops at the intersection.)
Catherine: Did some kid off him with a silver spoon?
Grissom: (calls back) Suspect's not a kid. It's the woman who founded the school. Take Nicky with you.
Catherine: Where is he?
(NICK rushes out from the room and into the hallway. He catches up with CATHERINE and SARA.)
Nick: Here I am.
Catherine: You're coming with me.
(CATHERINE holds out the assignment sheet to NICK. He grabs it and looks at it.)
Sara: Glad you could make it.
(NICK stares at SARA. SARA grins back at NICK.)
Sara: I'm outta here. Good luck tonight, you guys.
NICK See you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS goes over the boy's body with GRISSOM and WARRICK.)
Warrick: Can't make a ruling? Look at the bruise marks on John Doe here. I call that suffocation.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Not necessarily. It could be the result of his face impacting the ground at expiration.
Warrick: I'm going to take a mouth swab.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Go ahead. Grissom, I have something to show you.
(DR. WILLIAMS leads GRISSOM to the counter off to the side of the room.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: You know, when a kid this young drops d*ad smart money chases anesthetics, alcohol methanol, maybe even a little freon.
(WARRICK takes the swab sample of the mouth.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: I got to be honest. I've had a lot of d*ad bodies from the desert and when they're out there too long the elements tend to eat away the evidence. My opinion is ... (she gestures down at the body) ... you are looking at the picture of health, internally. Externally, it's another matter.
(She motions to the scope on the counter.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Skin sample.
(GRISSOM looks through the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of the skin.]
Grissom: (o.s.) This kid was dry as a bone.
(He straightens and looks at DR. WILLIAMS.)
Grissom: From exposure?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Skin's not consistent with elemental damage. (stumped)
Warrick told me what you said about the cause of death being fear. I never read about that in any medical book.
Grissom: Try the Forensic Medical Journal. Read the four canons on the cause of death: Homicide, su1c1de, natural and unexplained. Talks about fear in the last part of "unexplained."
Dr. Jenna Williams: (to WARRICK) I had to ask.
Grissom: You want to know what k*lled this kid? Benihana the maggots.
Warrick: What the maggots?
Grissom: Tox the maggots we found on the victim. Whatever he ingested has probably evaporated from the sun. But the maggots are like little refrigerators. They preserve what we digest for longer periods of time.
Warrick: Entomology is our friend.
Grissom: Yes.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA/CHEM LAB - NIGHT]
(Extreme close up of a maggot in the grip of a forceps. Camera refocuses and we see WARRICK is staring at the maggot.)
Warrick: (to the maggot) Sorry, little buddy.
(WARRICK puts the maggot down on the table. He holds out his hand like a surgeon about to perform surgery.)
Warrick: Scalpel.
(GREG sits in the chair next to him and hands WARRICK the scalpel.)
Greg Sanders: My name is Paul and this is between y'all.
Warrick: Talk about pulp fiction.
(WARRICK chops the little maggot into maggot pieces and puts it in the mortar. He steps aside and motions to GREG.)
Warrick: It's all yours, doc.
(GREG stands and smashes the maggot pieces into maggot mush.)
Warrick: f*re up that gas chromatograph mass spectrometer thing, will you?
Greg Sanders: No problem, son.
(GREG takes a sample and tests it.)
Greg Sanders: Fifteen seconds till pay dirt.
Warrick: Cool.
Greg Sanders: Play any pigskin, man?
Warrick: No, I'm off that.
Greg Sanders: It's prime time for you.
Warrick: I haven't made a bet in a month. I can't say I don't have that itch, though.
(The machine beeps and the results print out. GREG grabs it and looks it over.)
Greg Sanders: Hmm. Haven't seen this stuff for a while.
Grissom: What's that?
Greg Sanders: Jimsonweed.
CUT TO:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT]
(SARA walks up into the alley past the coroner's van. She walks up to the DETECTIVE on the case and puts her kit down on the ground.)
Sara: (motions to the dumpster) Do you have a name?
Det. Evans: She's not exactly carrying a purse.
(He helps SARA step up to the dumpster. SARA looks inside and sees the woman's body wrapped in plastic. She snaps some photos.)
Sara: Oh ... (camera shutter clicking) okay, let's take her out.
(DETECTIVE EVANS helps SARA down.)
Sara: Thanks.
Officers: Sure.
(The CORONER'S wheel in a gurney.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ALLEYWAY -- DUMPSTER - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(SARA removes the plastic from the woman's face. She presses her index finger into the woman's cheek and looks at the stuff on her finger.)
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up to show the clear gell-like substance.)
Sara: That's strange.
Det. Evans: What's that?
Sara: Glazed like a doughnut.
(SARA turns to look at the body.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(DAVID PHILLIPS explains the findings to SARA as they walk into the autopsy area.)
David Phillips: Well, here's the reason the skin was funny.
Sara: Formaldehyde, right?
David Phillips: Close. Biotone arterial. Promotes high diffusion and fast drainage in skin tissue.
Sara: So I was right. This woman's been embalmed.
(SARA takes the seat in front of the monitor.)
David Phillips: Yeah. Yeah, I already ran her prints through work here. Got an I.D. right here.
(SARA works on the computer and the computer beeps.)
David Phillips: (flusters) I, uh, I just want to say I-I ... well, I really admire the gusto with which you approach your job.
(DAVID walks around and stands in front of SARA. He smiles.)
Sara: (glances from the monitor to DAVID) Are you hitting on me, David?
David Phillips: Uh ...
(DAVID smiles and looks down at his shoes bashfully. SARA is flattered.)
Sara: Let me give you some friendly advice. If you want to pull chicks, you've got to get aggressive. You've gotta drop the glasses, lose the coat grow some scruff.
(DAVID appears quietly dejected at the advice.)
Sara: (smiles) You do get a "C" for cute, though.
(DAVID glances back up at SARA, sees her smile and smiles back at her.)
(SARA turns back to the computer. The ID information appears on the monitor.)
Sara: (reading) "Stephanie Reyes was laid to rest at Desert Haven Funeral Home." Her funeral was last week.
CUT TO:
[EXT. VERBUM DEI CHARTER SCHOOL - NIGHT]
[INT. VERBUM DEI CHARTER SCHOOL - DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and NICK enter into DEAN VERNON WOOD'S office. DET. KANE stands inside the room taking notes.)
Catherine: Hi.
Det. Kane: Hey.
Catherine: What do you got?
(DET. KANE looks at his notes.)
Det. Kane: Vernon Woods, Dean of the school. Forty-nine, single. Multiple blunt-force trauma wounds to the head.
Catherine: With that, probably.
(Next to the body is a bloodied object.)
Nick: I got it. Man, check out all that blood spatter.
(Camera pans around the room to show the bloodied walls. The camera also lingers on the blood spatter across a Teacher's award.)
Catherine: Yeah. Blows to the head, up close and personal. A lot of passion around this one. (to the DETECTIVE) How about the suspect?
Det. Kane: Kate Armstrong. Founded the school. She called 9-1-1 herself. She says he att*cked her. She's out in the hallway.
(CATHERINE steps out of the room. NICK continues to take pictures.)
CUT TO:
[INT. VERBUM DEI CHARTER SCHOOL - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE interviews KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Kate Armstrong: He wouldn't let go of me. He kept pawing. I can still smell his aftershave. (sobbing) I mean ... it's all a blur. I grabbed the closest thing I could and I h*t him with it.
Catherine: A rock?
Kate Armstrong: I don't know what it was. I didn't care. I just wanted him off of me.
Catherine: How many times did you h*t him?
Kate Armstrong: Once.
(Quick flashback to: Inside Dean VERNON WOODS' office, he has KATE ARMSTRONG in his arms. She struggles against him.)
Vernon Woods: What's the matter? Come on. No one's going to hear. Everyone's in class. Where's the harm?
(KATE looks down on the desk and grabs the rock.)
Kate Armstrong: I said get off of me!
(She hits him on the forehead and he lets her go.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Miss Armstrong ... were you and the Dean having a personal relationship?
Kate Armstrong: No. No. Vernon's a pig.
Catherine: Then why did you hire him? You founded the school. It's your integrity on the line.
Kate Armstrong: He's great at raising money. His donor list is huge. I didn't mean to k*ll him. (sniffling) I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Catherine: But you h*t him more than once.
Kate Armstrong: Who knows. I ...
Catherine: Well, you h*t a man once, there's no blood. The first h*t's free. You h*t him more than that ... (clears throat) The walls in his office look like the Dean went a couple rounds with Mike Tyson.
Kate Armstrong: Then I h*t him more than once. Like I said, I just ... I wanted him off me.
Catherine: Will you excuse me? Officer. Thanks.
(CATHERINE steps away and motions for the OFFICER. She meets up with NICK at the end of the hallway.)
Nick: What did you find out?
Catherine: Heavy on B.S., zippo on truth.
Nick: You don't seem too bummed about it.
Catherine: Hell, no. I'm stoked. (sotto voce) We drew the best case, Nicky. I can feel it.
Nick: Mm-hmm. Then there's only one thing left to do.
Catherine: String it.
Nick: String it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(BOBBY TAYLOR looks from BRASS to GRISSOM.)
Bobby Taylor: I've never filed a missing person's report before but I'm getting concerned about Eric.
Brass: Where was the last place you saw your friend?
Bobby Taylor: After work, we went out.
(BOBBY absently scratches his right arm near the elbow and through his shirt.)
Brass: You two work together?
Bobby Taylor: No. A few blocks apart. I'm over at Voosh's, you know? Voosh's fireworks. And he's at Element Sound, the music store.
Brass: You guys go into the desert?
Bobby Taylor: Yeah. A party out near red rock. How did you know?
Brass: You just told us.
(BOBBY'S impressed. He chuckles.)
Brass: So spill it.
(BOBBY absently scratches his arm and tries to remember what they did.)
Bobby Taylor: We, uh, drank a couple beers hung out, and ... then I just lost track of him around midnight and I haven't seen him since.
Grissom: Did you guys drop anything that night? Ecstasy, crystal, "G"?
Bobby Taylor: No. No way. Look, do you ... do you know where Eric is or not?
Grissom: Bobby, we found a body that matches your description of Eric. Would you be willing to identify him?
CUT TO:
[INT. MORGUE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM lifts the sheet off of ERIC BERKELEY'S body)
Grissom: Is this your friend?
(Standing quite a distance away, BOBBY glances up, recognizes his friend and starts to cry.)
Bobby Taylor: (sniffs) Oh, god ... what happened to you, Eric? Oh, god ...
(GRISSOM watches, not unaffected by the young man.)
(There's a light knock at the door. WARRICK pushes the door open and signals GRISSOM with a file folder in his hand.)
Warrick: Hey, boss, I got something for you.
(GRISSOM walks over to the door, leaving BOBBY with ERIC.)
Warrick: (sotto voce) I did the whole tox-the-maggots thing like you said. Found jimsonweed in their blood.
(GRISSOM nods.)
Grissom: Which means?
Warrick: Jimsonweed in Eric's blood.
Grissom: Jimson Weed. "dry as a bone, red as a beet blind as a bat, mad as a hatter."
Warrick: Really? Cite your sources.
Grissom: (shrugs and shakes his head) Internet insomnia.
Warrick: I thought Brass just said that they weren't doing any drugs.
(GRISSOM gives WARRICK a look.)
Warrick: (nods) Yeah.
(They both turn to look back at BOBBY who's still crying over ERIC.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. VERBUM DEI CHARTER SCHOOL - DEAN'S OFFICE -EARLY MORNING]
(NICK is inside DEAN VERNON WOODS' office, pulling the first string across the office from the body to the blood spatter.)
(Dissolve to: NICK reaches the wall and has the first string completely up. He steps back away from the wall.)
(Cut to: Several strings are completed. NICK works his way to the wall.)
(Dissolve to: NICK crawls under the string already hanging and ties the new string to the lamp.)
(Cut to: Camera starts on several pink colored string already up. NICK is at the wall working.)
(Cut to: NICK continues to lay out the string. Dissolve to: NICK working his way to the wall, crawling under the string already set up.)
(He stands up and looks around. He lifts the micro-cassette tape recorder and starts to dictate his notes.)
Nick: (to tape) Blood spatter on northwest wall. Blood sprays northeast corner above ...
(NICK looks around. The door opens and CATHERINE walks into the office.)
Catherine: Wow.
(NICK nods to CATHERINE as she closes the door.)
Catherine: Now, there's a look I like to see-- confusion.
(NICK chuckles.)
Nick: No, I'm not confused. X marks the spot. A blow here ... here ... and here. Our dean received the majority of blows when he was on the ground.
Catherine: Cast-off from the w*apon against the window.
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: The back wall ... void... against the back wall.
(CATHERINE points out the obvious empty spot on the wall to NICK. She looks down.)
Catherine: The floor under the body?
Nick: The blood spatter has a void instead of one continuous line of spray.
Catherine: There's an interruption -- a space where something or someone comes between the blood coming off the body and the wall.
Nick: Which means our assailant was here and ... there was somebody else in this room.
Catherine: Kate Armstrong is lying.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and WARRICK are with BOBBY TAYLOR in the break room. WARRICK puts a glass of juice on the table in front of BOBBY TAYLOR.)
Warrick: Fruit juice, half ice.
Grissom: Thanks, Warrick.
Bobby Taylor: The guy said it was natural -- that it wasn't a drug. I mean, jimsonweed is a plant.
Grissom: Most drugs derive from plants. That doesn't make them safe.
Warrick: Or legal, for that matter.
Bobby Taylor: Yeah, but he said it was safe. That's why we bought it.
(WARRICK sits down.)
Warrick: Did you take the drug, too?
Bobby Taylor: Yeah. We both did. You drink it. It's a tea.
Grissom: Who sold you this "tea"?
Bobby Taylor: He didn't give a name. He just ... he told us that j-weed would be a cool high. Mind-expanding. I mean, that's the whole point of a rave is to experiment.
Warrick: Did you get a stamp when you got in?
Bobby Taylor: Yeah. But that was, like, four days ago.
Warrick: Well, mostly they use water-resistant pads so you don't sweat it off. Could you h*t the lights, Gris?
(WARRICK reaches for his kit and takes out a light. GRISSOM turns out the top lights.)
Warrick: (to BOBBY) Where did they stamp you?
(BOBBY holds out his wrist, palm up and pushes his watch further up his arm. WARRICK turns on the black light. The stamp is still visible.)
Warrick: Yeah, that's DJ Masterband's stamp. He is the spinner in Vegas right now. Must have been playing at the rave these two were at.
(WARRICK turns off his hand light. GRISSOM turns on the top light.)
Grissom: Is there any way for us to track this, uh, DJ person?
Warrick: The free papers, yeah. They have ads for all sorts of raves.
Grissom: Bobby? Would you be able to recognize the guy who sold you the Jimson?
Bobby Taylor: (nods) Definitely.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT HAVEN CEMETERY - DAY]
(SARA walks with RANDY GESEK, the funeral director, across the lawn to Stephanie Reyes' grave.)
Randy Gesek: No one in the mortuary business likes to discuss the issue, but it does exist: People rob graves.
Sara: (laughs) Are you telling me that someone dug up Stephanie Reyes and stole her body?
Randy Gesek: They do it for gold, trinkets or just kicks. You should hear what I hear at conventions.
(She chuckles.)
Sara: Did you report the robbery of Mrs. Reyes' remains to the police?
Randy Gesek: As I say, we try not to discuss the issue outside of the community.
Sara: Profits over people, is that it?
Randy Gesek: I wouldn't put it like that.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT HAVEN CEMETERY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(The backhoe works on digging the grave. SARA looks down at the hole in the ground.)
Sara: Eight feet. How deep do you bury these caskets?
Randy Gesek: Well ...
Sara: There's nothing else in there. I thought you said grave robbers only stole bodies.
Randy Gesek: This might have been an inlaid casket -- something of value that people would steal.
(SARA thinks about this for a moment.)
Sara: You sell caskets, right? As part of your mortuary service? I want to see some.
Randy Gesek: (nods) I can arrange a viewing.
Sara: (smiles) Bonus.
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM is in the break room busy grounding something up in a large mortar. WARRICK walks into the room carrying a file. GRISSOM pours the grounds into a glass teapot as he listens to WARRICK'S report.)
Warrick: Gris, I got the prelims back on that swab I took off of our desert guy. Products trapped in nasal hairs.
Grissom: And? ...
Warrick: Products found in mouth and nose: Mentholated nose spray, patchouli and aluminum.
Grissom: Nose spray? He had a cold.
Warrick: Patchouli -- they burn it at music stores.
Grissom: Aluminum's the odd man out.
(GRISSOM pours the hot water into the tea pot.)
Warrick: Yeah. I got trace putting together a list of products made with the stuff. Something tells me that's not lemonade.
Grissom: Jimson tea. I like to see what I'm dealing with. (b*at) Doesn't look lethal, does it?
Warrick: Doesn't look like tea, either.
Grissom: You know what the japanese tea ceremony signifies?
Warrick: What's that?
Grissom: That every human encounter is a singular occasion which can never recur again in exactly the same way.
Warrick: Does that apply to our case?
(GRISSOM pours some of the tea into a glass cup/container. He looks at it.)
Grissom: Everything applies, Warrick. That's the beauty part.
(GRISSOM smells the tea like a connoisseur.)
Warrick: Cheers.
CUT TO:
[EXT. VERBUM DEI CHARTER SCHOOL - DAY]
(CATHERINE, NICK and DET. KANE interview KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Kate Armstrong: All right, it's true. Someone else was there.
Det. Kane: The name would be nice.
Kate Armstrong: She's a friend on the faculty but she had nothing to do with this.
Catherine: The blood evidence is telling us otherwise.
Nick: Look, homicide will give us her name if you won't. There are detectives, and your school's not that big.
Kate Armstrong: Julia Eastman. But she was doing me a favor. She was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
(KATE walks away from them.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK interview JULIA EASTMAN.)
Julia Eastman: We kind of made a plan so that the next time Woods h*t on her she'd have a witness. You know, because of the harassment.
Catherine: And when you were playing witness where were you standing?
Julia Eastman: At the doorway.
Catherine: You're sure?
Julia Eastman: (nods) Yeah.
(Quick flashback to: Inside Dean VERNON WOODS' office, KATE ARMSTRONG struggles to get out of VERNON WOODS' embrace.)
Vernon Woods: I know you want it, you...
(KATE grabs the rock off of the desk and hits VERNON WOODS across the forehead. He lets her go and steps backward.)
(Blood spatters across the window.)
(JULIA EASTMAN opens the office door and sees KATE ARMSTRONG with the rock in her hand. VERNON WOODS is still on his feet and takes a step toward KATE.)
Julia Eastman: Kate, no!
Vernon Woods: Why, you ...
(She swings again and hits VERNON WOODS. He falls to the floor with a thud. KATE continues to h*t VERNON WOODS. Blood spatters across the wall and onto JULIA EASTMAN standing against the wall. She gasps and glances down at the blood on her.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: We're forensic scientists, Julia. Blood talks to us. People exaggerate or forget. Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.
(NICK opens the laptop on the table. CATHERINE stands up and moves around the table to stand next to NICK.)
Catherine: Nick reenacted the crime using blood spatter.
Nick: No, I just strung it. (to CATHERINE) Thank you, anyway. (b*at) No, the computer gizmo does all the geometry.
(NICK starts the program. The computer beeps.)
Nick: You factor in the location of the body in relation to the blood on the wall in order to recreate the event. Each h*t that drew blood gets its own unique color as he fell. See?
Nick: (points to screen) Dean woods was not in a standing position when he was k*lled. He was on the floor. (b*at) So how could your friend Kate, who's roughly half his size, wrestle him to the ground and keep him there while she bludgeoned him to death? Without help?
Julia Eastman: I don't know.
Nick: Hmm.
Julia Eastman: Could we take a break? I need a break.
(JULIA turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Sure.
CUT TO:
[EXT. BEACH - NIGHT]
(Loud Dance Music plays. Kids dance. The party is starting and the cars are gathering.)
(Dissolve to: A large butterfly insignia/image on the top of the dance floor. The Rave is starting to pick up.)
(At the entrance, the group pays for their tickets.)
Bobby Taylor: (to TICKET MAN) Three. (to WARRICK & GRISSOM) It's gonna be
$20 each.
(GRISSOM reaches into his pocket and pays the ticket price.)
Bobby Taylor: There.
Ticket Man: Thanks, man.
(They each get their stamp on their hands and slowly enter the party area. The STAMP MAN waves them inside.)
Stamp Man: Come on. STAMP MAN: Go in. You're good. STAMP MAN: Let's go.
(BOBBY leads the CSIs into the party. He looks around for the guy who sold them the drug. GRISSOM looks around.)
Grissom: Teenage wasteland.
Warrick: (turns around) Who?
Grissom: Yeah.
(A RAVE GIRL walks up to GRISSOM.)
Rave Girl: Hi!
Grissom: Hi.
(She motions him closer. She puts her arms around him and tells him.)
Rave Girl: (smiles) I love you.
(She gives GRISSOM a hug.)
(GRISSOM laughs nervously.)
Grissom: Uh, thank you. You're a total stranger to me.
(The RAVE GIRL doesn't care, she's in her own little world. WARRICK takes pity on GRISSOM and explains.)
Warrick: It's ecstasy. It makes everyone fall in love.
(WARRICK pulls the RAVE GIRL off of GRISSOM.)
Warrick: Don't take it personally, miss. He's kind of married to his job.
(She kisses her fingertips and waves GRISSOM bye. GRISSOM grins and waves back. The RAVE GIRL sees another woman at the party and turns her attentions to her.)
Rave Girl: (smiles) I love you.
(The two women embrace.)
(GRISSOM watches them with a smile on his face. The two women walk off. GRISSOM stares at the women.)
(WARRICK watches GRISSOM for a moment, then grabs him and leads him away.)
Warrick: Come on. Let's go.
(BRASS walks around the party. BOBBY TAYLOR continues to scan the party area for the drug dealer.)
(Off to the side near the cars, he spots him.)
Bobby Taylor: That's him, there! That's the dealer!
(BOBBY tears off toward the drug dealer. WARRICK and GRISSOM rush after him.)
Grissom: Bobby, wait!
(BRASS hears them.)
(BOBBY reaches the drug dealer and tackles him to the ground.)
Bobby Taylor: You k*lled my friend!
Grissom: Break it up! Bobby, stop it!
(GRISSOM and WARRICK pull BOBBY off of the drug dealer.)
(BRASS and another OFFICER reach them.)
(GRISSOM holds BOBBY off to the side. BOBBY brushes GRISSOM'S hands off of the arm that he's holding.)
Bobby: Ow!
(BOBBY stares at the drug dealer.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT - RAVE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
Ethan: What do you guys think you got on me?
Grissom: Selling jimsonweed to kids.
Ethan: Do you see any j-weed on me?
Grissom: You sent, uh, Bobby over here and his friend on quite a trip the other night.
Ethan: Which trip was that? The one to San Diego or the one to Mars?
BRASS; To the impound, where your car is going. Probable cause.
Ethan: You don't have to take my car to the impound, okay? You can search it. But I got news for you. Jimson's a schedule one controlled substance. Mandatory suspended sentence the first go-round for possession. And you can't even prove that much.
Brass: Guy knows a lot about the Nevada State Penal Code.
Grissom: Well, if you're gonna break the law, Jim you've gotta know the law.
Ethan: Exactly. (He holds out the car keys to GRISSOM.) Just don't scratch my puppy.
(GRISSOM takes the keys to search the car.)
(Cut to: The party raves on. GRISSOM takes out his flashlight and looks around the front driver's side seat. He looks around the dash, in the cup holders. He checks out the seat cushions.)
(He looks on the floor. There, he finds the seeds. He reaches into his kit to take a sample. GRISSOM looks pleased.)
(Holding the sample in his hand, GRISSOM turns back to ETHAN.)
Grissom: What do you say, Ethan? These seeds look familiar?
Ethan: (laughs) You just fish these out of your undies? Look, man, if you want to take me in take me in. I'll be back before the party's over.
Grissom: 'Cause you know the law, don't you, Ethan? "Mandatory suspended sentence for first possession." Yeah?
Ethan: Exactly.
Grissom: Let me tell you something, Humbert. You're twice the age of these kids and most of them couldn't find their ass with a map. You prey on innocent children concocting god-knows-what from god-knows-where selling Russian roulette in a bottle and you think we came all the way out here to bust you for "possession", you dumb punk? (b*at) I'm gonna get you for m*rder.
(ETHAN looks back at GRISSOM, surprised.)
Grissom: Cool.
FADE TO BACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and WARRICK are back in the autopsy room going over new findings with DR. WILLIAMS.)
Grissom: This Ethan was selling jimsonweed tea at the desert rave. I believe Eric drank the most toxic part -- the dregs, the bottom of the batch the part that's full of seeds.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Well, if that's true ...
(Quick CGI to: Camera starts traveling down ERIC'S open mouth and down his throat, all the way to the intestinal tract where it stops on two small seeds.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: (V.O.) ... then we might be able to catch up with some of those seeds because they have a way of hanging around the lower intestinal tract.
(End of CGI. Resume on a pair of forceps picking out the seeds.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: And the last ones to leave the party ... would be ... right about ... here.
(She pulls out the small seed.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Jimson reduced his gastric motility which kept this in his system.
Warrick: Now we just tie that to the dealer.
GRISSOM Well, we see if it ties to the dealer.
Warrick: That's not what you were saying out at that rave all up in that guy's face.
Grissom: There's three things I got a real problem with: Guys that h*t their wives, sexual as*ault on children and the scum that deal death to kids.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT]
(In the lab, WARRICK, GRISSOM and GREG go over the seed analysis.)
Warrick: The chemical compositions break down exactly the same.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily prove that the seeds from the d*ad kid's gut came from the same place as the seeds in the dealer's car.
Grissom: We need the pods to do a DNA match and we don't have them.
GREG SANDERS; The truth is, it wouldn't matter. I ran the seeds Eric ingested. The toxic levels are low -- too low to have k*lled him.
Warrick: Square one.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(SARA stands in the garage next to COLLINS and in front of a bunch of caskets.)
Sara: There is no way I'm going to end up in a dumpster wrapped in plastic. I'm going to be cremated -- dust in the wind, you know. I don't want any part of these things.
Collins: I've already got mine paid off.
Sara: Are you serious?
Collins: Yeah. It looks just like this one.
(COLLINS walks over to a particular casket.)
Sara: How much did it run you?
Collins: Ten thou.
SARA; $10,000? For a box ... buried in the ground that everyone's only going to see you in once.
Collins: I like it. It feels like a caddie.
Sara: So when you buy one of these for $10,000, it's yours, right?
Collins: Well, of course it is.
Sara: No one else gets to use it.
Collins: It's built for one.
(SARA opens the casket and looks inside. She examines the inside and sees something. She turns around to grab a roller off of the counter. She rolls it on the inside casket lining and comes up with various hair samples.)
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the hairs stuck on the roller.)
Sara: Then how did all these people get in here?
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM takes a drink of water. WARRICK sees GRISSOM and approaches him.)
Warrick: Thought I'd find you here.
Grissom: It's why I live.
Warrick: Evidence ... a double-edged sword.
Grissom: Yeah. Nobody wanted to put that pusher in jail more than I did. Evidence sets him free.
Warrick: How do you feel about this?
Grissom: It doesn't matter how I feel. The evidence only knows one thing: The truth. It is what it is.
Warrick: You don't really believe that, do you?
Grissom: I was flying to a seminar in New Hampshire a couple summers ago. I was sitting on the plane next to this philosophy professor from Harvard. He told me this story about how, every morning he takes a leak right after his three-hour philosophy class. He'd flush the toilet there'd be this tiny, brown spider fighting for its life against the swirling water. Come back the next day, flush same spider clawing its way back from oblivion. A week goes by, he decides to liberate the spider. Grabs a paper towel, scoops him up sets him on the floor in the corner of the stall. Comes back the next day ... what do you think happened to the spider?
Warrick: d*ad.
Grissom: On his back, eight legs in the air. Why? Because one life imposed itself on another. Right then, I realized where we stand. I understood our role. We don't impose our will on a spider. We don't impose our hopes on the evidence.
(WARRICK nods.)
(The door opens and ETHAN walks out into the hallway. The lawyer leaves. ETHAN takes his time and gloats his release.)
Ethan: (gloating) Twenty, ten, five, boom! Touchdown, baby. What's my name?
(ETHAN laughs.)
Grissom: You'll be back.
Ethan: Oh, really? What, have you got a crystal ball in your pocket or something?
Grissom: You're a creature of habit.
Warrick: I'll catch you later.
(ETHAN laughs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT]
(The door opens. CATHERINE and NICK exit the building.)
Catherine: Okay, so this is what we've got so far on our d*ad dean. Blood spatter and blood cast-off on the walls. Kate Armstrong's confession, her clothes. Three void areas, and that's pretty much it. Anything else?
Nick: That's not enough. It's not enough. What's the one thing we're missing?
(CATHERINE stops.)
Catherine: That's it.
Nick: What's it?
Catherine: The one thing we're missing.
Nick: (realizing) The blood.
Catherine: On Julia's clothes.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(NICK closes the door to the room. CATHERINE and NICK both re-interview JULIA EASTMAN.)
Catherine: We need the clothes that you were wearing the day that The Dean was k*lled.
Julia Eastman: I b*rned them.
Catherine: Why?
Julia Eastman: The blood wouldn't come out. They were ruined.
Catherine: Blood's funny that way. In fact, I bet there's lots of blood on Dean Woods' shirt.
DISSOLVE TO:
[INT CSI EVIDENCE VAULT -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and NICK examine Dean VERNON WOODS' shirt. CATHERINE notices the void.)
Catherine: Look at that void. What a beaut.
Nick: Oh, yeah. You don't even have to know every star and you can draw a constellation.
(Taking a pen, NICK outlines the void.)
Nick: And fill in the rest. Whoa, look at that last finger there.
Catherine: Talk about your unique attributes. What do you think -- a bandage?
Nick: We'll have to ask our ladies, but I can tell you this -- somebody's playing through the pain.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(BOBBY TAYLOR is in GRISSOM'S office again.)
Grissom: I, uh ... just wanted you to know that Eric didn't die from Jimson tea. It didn't have the chemical toxicity to k*ll him. The seeds weren't strong enough.
(BOBBY quietly listens to GRISSOM. He doesn't say anything. He starts rubbing his arm. GRISSOM notices the movement.)
Grissom: Is your arm all right?
Bobby Taylor: Yeah, uh, spider bite. I think it's infected.
Grissom: May I take a look?
Bobby Taylor: Sure. You're a doctor.
(BOBBY undoes the cuff of his shirt.)
Bobby Taylor: You might be able to give me something for it.
(He pushes his shirt sleeve up above his arm.)
Grissom: I'm a PhD, not an M.D.
(BOBBY chuckles. GRISSOM looks at the bite on BOBBY'S arm.)
Grissom: (grimly) Bobby ... this bite is not from an insect.
(BOBBY looks quizzically down at his arm, then back at GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(DR. JENNA WILLIAMS puts her instruments into the cleaning machine and closes the machine door. GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Hey.
Grissom: Hi.
(DR. WILLIAMS sits down at her desk. GRISSOM leans against it.)
Grissom: I found a bite mark on Bobby's arm and I think it might be human.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Do you feel like sharing?
Grissom: (shakes his head) Not really.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Just a little?
Grissom: (sighs) I don't know, Jenna. This whole case is going from bad to worse. I mean, usually it's a body, it's a specimen, but when it involves kids, I just can't ...
Dr. Jenna Williams: Gruesome Grissom ... Tin Man with a heart ... (b*at) ... who knew?
(WARRICK walks into the room.)
Warrick: Hey, guys. This came back for the test on aluminum products from our kid in the desert. (pauses) Fireworks.
Grissom: (whispers) That's where Bobby Taylor works. Jenna, I need a mold of Eric's teeth ...
CUT TO:
Grissom: (V.O.) ... and an impression of Bobby's arm.
(With an OFFICER and a lawyer in the room, someone takes an impression on the bite mark on BOBBY'S arm.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK re-interview both JULIA EASTMAN and KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Catherine: Julia, make a fist for me with your right hand. I mean, count it down like so, starting with your thumb first. Five, four, three, two, one.
(JULIA stares at them for a moment, then complies. She tries, but she can't bend her pinky finger.)
Julia Eastman: I sprained it, at tennis.
(NICK reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a finger splint. He tosses it on to the table.)
Nick: It heals a lot faster when you wear one of these.
(Both JULIA and KATE stares at the item on the table. CATHERINE takes out the shirt and puts it on the table.)
Catherine: Dean woods' shirt.
(She spreads the shirt out on the table.)
Catherine: Now, remember we said blood tells us everything? Well ... so does the absence of blood.
(CATHERINE takes the finger splint and puts it on. She puts her hand over the void area on the shirt. It fits in the white area on the shirt.)
Kate Armstrong: (gasps) Oh, my god.
(Quick flashback to: Inside Dean VERNON WOODS' office, KATE ARMSTRONG swings the rock and hits VERNON WOODS on the forehead. He goes down. She swings the rock back and splatters blood on JULIA EASTMAN. She hits him again and again. Blood spatters everywhere with each successive blow.)
(When VERNON WOODS falls to the floor, JULIA EASTMAN puts her hand on his chest to keep him down. KATE ARMSTRONG continues to h*t him with the rock.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: You held him down ... while she k*lled him.
Catherine: All because the guy was handsy? Seems a little severe.
(Neither woman says anything.)
Det. Kane: We're going to be placing you under arrest for m*rder. Is there anything you want to say?
(He turns around and opens the door. They remain silent.)
(Two male OFFICERS enter the room. The two women stand up and we see that they were holding each other's hands under the table in a tight grip, neither one wanting to let the other go.)
(They look at each other.)
(The officers take out the handcuffs and put them on.)
Officer: Ma'am ... put your hands behind your back, please.
(They lead the women out of the room. CATHERINE watches them leave and shakes her head.)
Catherine: (quietly) No, no, this isn't over.
(They start putting their things away.)
Nick: For all forensic purposes, it is over. They're going to eat bread and bang a metal cup against some bars. That's it. It's over for us.
Catherine: We still don't know why.
Nick: It's not our job to know why. It's our job to know how. You heard Grissom. The more the 'why', the less the 'how', the less the 'how', the more the 'why'.
(CATHERINE stands up and turns around to look at NICK.)
Catherine: Hey, Nick.
Nick: Yeah?
Catherine: Grissom's not always right. Do yourself a favor and think for yourself. I mean that as a friend, okay? Okay, detective, we got some more homework to do.
(CATHERINE picks up the package and puts it on the table.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(SARA opens the door and leads RANDY GESEK into the garage.)
Sara: What are you selling-- time-share coffins?
Randy Gesek: Uh, there's no such thing as a time-share coffin.
Sara: Sure, there is. Once the funeral is over, you dump the body and use the same casket over and over.
Randy Gesek: You can't prove that.
Sara: Yes, I can. This is a set of prints on the inside of the plastic sheeting we found in the dumpster. What are the odds they belong to you?
(RANDY GESEK steps forward, shaking his head. He's busted.)
Sara: All you had to do was put the bodies back in the grave and no one would have been the wiser.
Randy Gesek: You have no idea what a cut-throat business this is. The chains are moving in. I have payments to make. I see the world from a completely different perspective than most people.
Sara: Yeah, I know. You see d*ad people. So do I. And when they turn up in dumpsters, I like to see they get back to where they belong.
Randy Gesek: I'll repay the money.
Sara: Minimum. Then, you're going to pay for Stephanie Reyes' family to have a real burial.
Randy Gesek: Okay.
SARA At a respectable mortuary.
Randy Gesek: Okay.
Sara: Then, we're going to let the D.A. run the table.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY]
(DET. KANE fills CATHERINE in on his findings.)
Det. Kane: Did some homework on Kate
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Det. Kane: Financial records for the last year.
Catherine: Great.
Det. Kane: Personal checks from Kate Armstrong to Vernon Woods over the last year.
Catherine: $5,000. Another for $5,000. $3,000. "Memo: Loans." I don't think so. I think she was paying him off for something.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(Inside the Interview room, DET. KANE presents his findings to KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Kate Armstrong: Did Julia say anything?
Det. Kate: Like what? The real reason you k*lled Woods?
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(Inside the observation room, CATHERINE and NICK watch DET. KANE with KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Catherine: This is where Gris and I differ. Forensics is about more than science. Human behavior. The inconsistencies of human behavior. Yes, "how" is crucially important, but so is "why."
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
(KATE turns to her lawyer and whispers something to her. The LAWYER nods her head. KATE looks at DET. KANE.)
Kate Armstrong: Okay.
(Quick flashback to: Inside Dean VERNON WOODS' office, KATE and JULIA confront him.)
Kate Armstrong: I'm finished paying you. We're going to live openly, honestly.
Julie Eastman: It's a new century. Parents are "evolved".
Vernon Woods: Not where their children are concerned. I'll tell everybody that I caught you two having sex on school grounds.
Kate Armstrong: That's a lie! JULIA EASTMAN: What?!
Vernon Woods: Of course it's a lie. That didn't stop the McMartin school from closing down. (The two women look at VERNON WOODS like he's scum.) (He sighs.)
Yeah, I think I'll make a call.
(He turns to get the phone on the counter. JULIA turns to look at KATE. KATE reaches for the rock on the desk. She grabs it, rushes forward and hits him on the back of the head with it.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kate Armstrong: Julia and I would never have survived a rumor like that. We panicked. The school is our whole life.
(KATE starts to cry.)
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
Nick: Hmm. You got your "why." Crime of passion.
Catherine: (nods) Bigger "why": Why did it have to come down to this?
(Inside the interview room, the officer moves to get KATE ARMSTRONG.)
Nick: I guess they didn't feel like they had a choice.
Catherine: Maybe they didn't.
(Inside the room, everyone leaves.)
Catherine: A lose-lose situation.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(BRASS, WARRICK and GRISSOM talk with BOBBY TAYLOR and his LAWYER, CASSANNO.)
Bobby Taylor: I'm telling you, I didn't k*ll Eric.
Brass: Can you remember your last hours with him Saturday night?
Cassanno (lawyer): Don't answer that.
Bobby: I want to answer it. I just ... I can't remember anything after we took that stuff.
Grissom: It's not about memory now, Bobby. It's about the evidence and the evidence ... sucks.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the rave party.)
Grissom: (V.O.) You and Eric bought Jimson tea from Ethan that night.
Ethan: Enjoy, fellas!
(ETHAN gives them the jimsonweed tea. He laughs.)
(Flash to white: ERIC and BOBBY drink the tea.)
Bobby Taylor: Cheers, man.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: But you guys have never taken j-weed before so you weren't aware of the side effects of photophobia.
Bobby Taylor: Ph-photo what?
Warrick: Photophobia. It's just a big word for lights freaking you out. You guys were hallucinating and whatever Eric was seeing was scaring him, big-time.
(Quick flashback to: Night of the rave party. The two boys, high, are running deeper into the desert. The bright lights from the cars and the vibrant colors are powerful.)
(ERIC runs over the hill and falls. BOBBY runs after him. They're both running from the bright lights of the cars.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: The coroner states that Eric's dose sh*t his temperature through the roof. He was boiling in his own skin. So he stripped which is why we found him naked.
(Quick flashback to: ERIC is running down the hillside and rips off his shirt.. The cars with their bright lights and vibrant colors continue to follow them along the desert. ERIC runs.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: We just don't know if it was an act of aggression or self-defense.
Bobby Taylor: I loved that guy.
Grissom: That's why I tend to believe it was an act of self-protection. The lights were scaring him. At the same time, we conjecture that you were suffering auditory hallucinations. Both of these symptoms are routine with this drug.
(Quick flashback to: ERIC is running. BOBBY is behind him, yelling at him.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up! Shut up!
(Whatever BOBBY'S hearing, it's incredibly loud and annoying. He covers both ears with his hands.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up! Shut up! BOBBY TAYLOR: Shut up! Shut up!
(BOBBY catches up with ERIC and grabs him from behind.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up! Shut... shut up!
(He covers ERIC'S mouth ... trying to get him to shut up. ERIC struggles, but BOBBY has him firmly in his grasp.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up ...
(ERIC grabs at BOBBY'S hands trying to get free.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Bobby Taylor: (stunned) I just ... I-I can't remember, honest.
Cassanno (lawyer): You can "believe" and "conjecture" all you want. None of this is based on fact.
Grissom: I'm afraid that it is. The evidence tells us that Bobby suffocated Eric.
Warrick: We found traces of aluminum trapped in Eric's nostrils that are consistent with what we found in your client's hands and arms earlier today from his job at the fireworks plant.
Bobby Taylor: I don't think I would do that.
Grissom: I know, Bobby, but you did.
(GRISSOM reaches to the side and pulls out a small plastic container. He opens it and takes out the mold.)
Grissom: This is a mold of the bite mark that we took from your arm today.
(He puts the mold down on the table and reaches into the plastic container.)
Grissom: This is a mold of Eric's mouth, postmortem.
(GRISSOM puts the teeth over the bite mark. It's a perfect match.)
(BOBBY stares at the evidence in front of him and silent tears course down his cheeks.)
(Quick flashback to: ERIC struggles in BOBBY'S grasp. BOBBY doesn't let ERIC go.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up! Shut up! BOBBY TAYLOR: Shut up! Shut up!
(ERIC can't breath and slowly falls to the ground as he continues to struggle.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up. Shut up.
(ERIC bites BOBBY'S arm. BOBBY grunts in pain. He grabs ERIC'S nose and mouth, covering them with his hand.)
Bobby Taylor: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(BOBBY stares out in front of him, crying.)
Grissom: You overpowered him, he suffocated ... and then, finally, the noise stopped.
(The LAWYER shakes her head.)
Cassanno (lawyer): I can tell you right now we're going to plead diminished capacity.
Grissom: Good. I hope you win.
Bobby Taylor: (shakes his head) It doesn't matter.
Cassanno (lawyer): It's the difference between prison and a hospital, Bobby. It matters.
Bobby Taylor: You don't understand. I don't care what happens to me. I k*lled my best friend.
(He looks up at GRISSOM. Their eyes meet. GRISSOM'S eyes full of compassion for the young man.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. CSI - FRONT ENTRANCE - PARKING LOT]
(Camera opens on the front sign: LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT / AREA COMMAND. GRISSOM and WARRICK sit side-by-side outside.)
(They watch as the OFFICERS exit the building and lead BOBBY TAYLOR outside in handcuffs. They put him in their vehicle and drive off.)
(Unable to watch anymore, GRISSOM stands and leaves.)
Warrick: Where you going?
Grissom: Away.
CUT TO:
[EXT. STRATOSPHERE - DUSK]
(GRISSOM secures himself in the roller coaster and gives his money to the attendant.)
(Cut to: The roller coaster starts.)
(Various cuts of GRISSOM on the roller coaster ride.)
(Cut to: The roller coaster stops.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x05 - Friends & Lovers"} | foreverdreaming |
WHITE FLASH OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - AFTERNOON]
[EXT VEGAS SUBURB (STOCK) - AFTERNOON]
[EXT. RESIDENCE -- AFTERNOON]
CUT TO:
(Outside the home, PETE'S Pluming and Piping van is parked in the driveway. Camera moves downward below the ground level and under the house.)
[INT. CRAWLSPACE UNDER THE HOUSE]
(Under the crawlspace of the house, the plumber carries his flashlight and crawls, examining the pipes for the leak.)
Woman's Voice: (o.s.) What's taking so long? I just wanted you to fix the leak!
Plumber: (looks up) Look, lady, to fix the leak I need to find the leak. (distracted)
(He continues to examine the pipes and crawls deeper under the house.)
(He crawls against the wall where his shirt catches on something, ripping the material. He stops.)
Plumber: Hold on.
(He grunts as he shifts around to look at the wall. He turns up his flashlight)
Woman's Voice: (o.s.) Did you find the leak?
(He brings his flashlight down and finds the bony tips of a skeleton embedded inside the foundation wall sticking out. He looks at it closely.)
Plumber: I found something.
CUT TO:
[EXT. RALSTON HOUSE -- NIGHT]
(NICK closes the car back door and carrying his kit, he heads for the house. He ducks under the crime scene tape toward the side of the house.)
[EXT. RALSTON HOUSE - SIDE YARD - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK puts his kit down.)
Nick: Okay, I'm ready up here.
CUT TO:
[INT. CRAWLSPACE UNDER RALSTON HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS
(Under the house, GRISSOM makes his way to the site.)
Grissom: Hang on a minute.
(GRISSOM crawls up to the fingertips sticking out of the concrete.)
Grissom: Okay, I'm there.
Nick (over radio): Can you confirm it's human?
Grissom: Metacarpal, phalanges ... no question about it.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. RALSTON HOUSE - SIDE YARD - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks over to and around NICK.)
Grissom: Hold on, Nick.
Nick: (sighs) There's got to be an easier way.
Grissom: When a body decomposes in concrete it leaves an air pocket, vacuum-sealed. We do this right, it'll open like a jar of pickles.
(GRISSOM starts to work on the bricks. When he breaks through into the air pocket, we hear the seal being broken.)
(They continue to break through the cement and finally get the hole wide enough to see the skeleton inside.)
Nick: Ten bucks says the owner sells the house.
Grissom: By law, you got to disclose everything -- three bedrooms, two baths, and a skeleton.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the room carrying the assignment sheets.)
Grissom: Okay, I'm late again. Nick's going to work with me on that unidentified body at Summercliff.
Sara: I hear it's just bones? What a rush.
Grissom: O.I.S. at the jockey club.
(GRISSOM holds out the assignment sheet. SARA stands up to get it from him.)
Sara: Officer-involved sh**ting.
Warrick: I'll take a piece of that.
Grissom: Good, I want you to double up. Listen, these deals are never easy so keep me informed, please.
Warrick: Will do.
Sara: I drive.
Warrick: Picture that.
(SARA and WARRICK leave the room. GRISSOM looks back down at the other assignment sheet in his hand.)
Catherine: So, what do you have for me? I could use a rush.
(GRISSOM sits at the edge of the table.)
Grissom: Well, this qualifies: 4-26. But I can't give you the case.
Catherine: Because?
Grissom: Conflict of interest. The alleged r*pe victim is an exotic dancer.
Catherine: (offended) Because I used to be one, I'll be biased?
Grissom: No. Suspect's your ex-husband. (b*at) He's asking for you, but you can't take it.
(CATHERINE stands up and looks at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Just let me do the prelim.
Grissom: All right. (He gives her the assignment sheet.) Do what you can. But after the preliminary, you pass it off, okay?
(CATHERINE doesn't say anything. She turns and leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE looks through the window at EDDIE WILLOWS, her ex-husband. He's sitting in front of the table, a tape recorder and microphone set up in front of him. She watches him for a long moment, then leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(The door opens. CATHERINE walks inside.)
Eddie Willows: (relieved) Thank god you're here.
(EDDIE gets to his feet. CATHERINE closes the door behind her.)
Catherine: Eddie.
Eddie Willows: I didn't r*pe that girl.
(CATHERINE puts the open file folder on the table. She sits down.)
Catherine: According to the police report she's telling a different story. I wonder what the r*pe kit's going to say.
Eddie Willows: We had sex, okay? But she was there with me one hundred percent.
(CATHERINE looks down at the file.)
Catherine: In the parking lot behind the club.
(She looks back at EDDIE.)
Eddie Willows: Well, some women like the outdoors.
Catherine: Melanie know about this?
Eddie Willows: Mel and I split up a while ago.
Catherine: You might want to call her anyway. She can loan you the money for an attorney.
(CATHERINE picks up her bag, turns and heads for the door.)
Eddie Willows: You're not going to help me? (yells) Cath, I am in a jam here!
Catherine: A detective from sex crimes has been assigned. I'm going to place another CSI.
Eddie Willows: What about Lindsey?
(CATHERINE stops.)
Catherine: (puzzled) What about her?
Eddie Willows: You want her spending sunday afternoons with me at Nevada State Prison ... or the mall?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(NICK and GRISSOM stand over the skeletal remains on the table between them.)
Grissom: Based on the auricular surface I'd say she died when she was about twenty.
Nick: She?
Grissom: It's in the hips. Pelvic bone is definitely female. You know, for a ladies' man you don't know much about bone structure.
Nick: I know all I need to know. I figure she was k*lled before her cement bath.
Grissom: Yeah, how?
Nick: She was s*ab at least a dozen times -- a screwdriver, maybe ... like... a spike.
Grissom: No. The gouges on her ribs are unusual. The instrument had to be ... slightly curved with some kind of serrated edge. Like crocodile teeth. Whatever k*lled this girl was not a traditional w*apon.
Nick: Well, s*ab are personal. She knew her attacker.
Grissom: That's the rule.
(GRISSOM leans in close to the head of the bones. He places a gentle hand on her skull.)
Grissom: Who are you?
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARKING LOT - STRIP CASINO HOTEL - NIGHT]
(WARRICK and SARA meet up with BRASS and the OFFICER, JOE TYNER.)
Brass: Sara Sidle, Warrick Brown? Officer Joe Tyner.
Sara: Hi.
(They shake hands.)
Officer Joe Tyner: Hi.
Warrick: Officer Tyner.
Officer Joe Tyner: How you doing?
Warrick: Want to tell us what happened here tonight?
(BRASS answers the question.)
Brass: He responded to sh*ts fired. The suspect fled the scene.
(WARRICK looks at OFFICER JOE TYNER.)
Warrick: Why don't you tell us what happened here.
(OFFICER JOE TYNER sighs.)
(Quick flashback to: A speeding jeep, Nevada License #QLF 084, turns onto the main strip, tires screeching. The officer car right behind him.)
Officer Joe Tyner: (to dispatch) Unit five. In pursuit of the fleeing 413 heading southbound on the strip.
(White flash to: The jeep turns off of the road and into a parking lot. The officer car follows. The jeep stops. The officer car stops. OFFICER JOE TYNER gets out of his car and draws his w*apon.
Officer Joe Tyner: Get back in the car!
(The SUSPECT gets back into his jeep and closes the door. OFFICER JOE TYNER takes a step toward the jeep.)
Officer Joe Tyner: Drop your keys to the ground!
(The SUSPECT drops the keys outside the jeep.)
Officer Joe Tyner: Put your hands on the wheel!
(The SUSPECT puts both of his hands on the steering wheel.)
Suspect: I didn't do it ... whatever you think I did! I'm looking at three strikes. I'm not going back. I'll show you my registration.
(The SUSPECT reaches for the glove compartment and opens it.)
Officer Joe Tyner: No, put your hands on the wheel!
(The SUSPECT grabs a g*n in the glove compartment, points it at his own head and fires.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Officer Joe Tyner: Then he turned the w*apon on himself -- one sh*t -- right through the forehead.
Sara: Where's his g*n?
Officer Joe Tyner: I left it in the jeep.
Sara: I'm going to go bag it.
(SARA heads for the jeep.)
Warrick: Officer, we're going to need your w*apon, as well.
Officer Joe Tyner: I never fired.
Brass: Drawn but not fired.
Warrick: (shakes his head) It's just standard procedure.
(OFFICER JOE TYNER sighs.)
Brass: It's okay. It's okay.
(OFFICER JOE TYNER takes out his w*apon and hands it to WARRICK handle first.)
(SARA approaches the jeep and looks inside.)
Warrick: (o.s.) Were there any witnesses?
(She looks down at the body inside the front seat of the jeep. She takes the g*n out of the SUSPECT'S hand.)
Warrick: (o.s.) We're going to need to seal off this lot.
(BRASS looks at WARRICK.)
Brass: Tyner told you what happened here. Whose side are you on?
Warrick: The officer told me a fleeing suspect committed su1c1de. I'm just verifying his account. You know how this works, Brass. Can we clear the jeep so I can do my job?
Brass: Well, at least test the d*ad guy's hands for g*n residue.
(SARA steps up and joins them.)
Sara: At that proximity G.S.R.'S invalid. They'd both be covered, no matter who fired.
Warrick: Can we get back to work?
Brass: Yeah.
(WARRICK turns and leaves. SARA stares at BRASS.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(The lights flicker on. GRISSOM stands in the middle of the garage over the large slab of rock that the skeletal remains were entombed in.)
(NICK walks in.)
Nick: You brought the foundation of the house to our lab.
Grissom: It's a six-by-three-foot section. When the concrete dried it preserved a partial impression of our Jane Doe. Did you find out anything about the house?
Nick: I pulled the permits. Summercliff was built five years ago on nothing but desert.
Grissom: That would explain why the body was so desiccated.
Nick: House was sold subsequent to completion, so the homeowner isn't a suspect. Homicide is running a missing persons check.
(NICK reaches out to touch something. GRISSOM clears his throat to stop him. NICK stops mid-reach and looks at GRISSOM. NICK smiles and withdraws.)
Grissom: Well, if it wasn't for a leaky pipe she might have been down there forever.
Nick: I think our k*ller was counting on that.
(GRISSOM glances up at NICK, then turns back his attention to the slab in front of him.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT]
(WARRICK is sitting at the lab table. SARA walks into the room behind him.)
Sara: Hey.
Warrick: Why would a guy speed it all the way down the strip just to pull over and cap himself?
Sara: What are you getting at, Warrick?
(WARRICK puts the pen down and picks up the w*apon in front of him. The one he was studying.)
Warrick: Officer's w*apon: Smith and Wesson 5906.
Sara: Standard issue.
(WARRICK puts the g*n down and lifts up the cartridge in his other hand.)
Warrick: One b*llet missing. Nothing standard about that.
(SARA takes it from WARRICK and looks at it. Camera close up of the b*ll*ts inside the cartridge.)
Sara: Both g*n's are nine millimeter automatics. Brass isn't going to like this.
Warrick: I don't give a damn what Brass likes.
Sara: Like I do? If Tyner's dirty, he goes down. I just know what happens when you piss off the P.D.
Warrick: Yeah, it's w*r.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(Camera close up of GRISSOM holding a tarantula in the palm of his hand. A woman walks up to the door and knocks on the frame lightly.)
Teri Miller: Gil Grissom?
(GRISSOM looks up.)
Teri Miller: Or should I call you spider-man?
Grissom: It's harmless.
Teri Miller: Of course it is.
(TERI walks into the office, her eyes on the spider in GRISSOM'S hand.)
Teri Miller: Orange-kneed tarantula. Nice specimen.
Grissom: The tarantula's touch is very gentle.
Teri Miller: It leaves no prints. They move without a trace. May I?
(TER holds out her hand and to GRISSOM'S astonishment, takes the tarantula in the palm of her hand.)
Teri Miller: Ah ...
(TERI looks at the spider. GRISSOM stands up.)
Teri Miller: Maybe I should introduce myself.
(She holds out her free hand to him. They shake hands.)
Grissom: Teri Miller does not need an introduction. (b*at) I need you to make me a face.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK interview OFFICER JOE TYNER.)
Officer Joe Tyner: (annoyed) I didn't k*ll him. That's what I told I.A. It's what I told my superior. It's what I'm telling you.
Sara: Officer Tyner, your g*n -- there's a b*llet missing from the magazine.
Officer Joe Tyner: I don't top off. I know it's against regulation, but the 14th b*llet puts pressure on the spring, and the g*n can jam.
Warrick: Can anyone confirm your story?
Officer Joe Tyner: (surges to his feet) It's not a story!
Sara: Whoa.
Officer Joe Tyner: And no ... I don't tell people how I carry.
Warrick: Do you?
Officer Joe Tyner: Check the other magazines.
(BRASS walks into the room.)
Brass: What the hell's going on here?
Warrick: We're just having a talk with Officer Tyner here.
Brass: Next time, don't start without me. I'm the union rep on this one.
Sara: Then you should know. Tyner's magazine -- one b*llet shy.
Brass: Is the expended round still missing?
Sara: Yeah. It's not in the body, b*llet's a round point wound was a through-and-through.
Officer Joe Tyner: I did not f*re a single round.
Sara: And, with a record like yours we're supposed to just take you at your word?
Warrick: Five civilian complaints -- three for excessive force. Two I.A. investigations.
Officer Joe Tyner: I was cleared.
Warrick: I'm sure you were.
Officer Joe Tyner: What is that supposed to mean? I don't have to take this crap!
Brass: Tyner ... sit down, sit down. What you do need is for these guys to go out and find the missing b*llet.
(BRASS turns and looks at WARRICK and SARA.)
Brass: So what are you waiting for?
Warrick: I guess it's a good thing I sealed off that crime scene.
(WARRICK turns to leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(TERI works on the mold on the slab of foundation in the middle of the garage. GRISSOM watches her work.)
Teri Miller: It's like a human jell-o mold. The impression's only a partial. It's not going to be easy.
Grissom: They told me you were the top forensic artist in the country.
Teri Miller: And Canada. I didn't say I couldn't do it.
(TERI turns and brings out a pail.)
Teri Miller: Give me your hand. You'll enjoy this. It's as much science as art.
(Using GRISSOM'S hand, she guides him as he takes a scoop of the molding substance and puts it in the indentation in the foundation slab.)
(He continues to work. TERI takes the pail and lifts it to pour the rest of molding substance into the foundation.)
(Dissolve to: The molding substance solidifies and TERI removes it. She takes it over to the lamp and works on it. GRISSOM looks over her shoulder.)
Grissom: It doesn't really look like anything.
Teri Miller: No light, no shadows -- no shadows, no perspective.
(She tilts the small sample and the impressions of a face can be seen.)
Teri Miller: Now look.
(Dissolve to: TERI is sitting at the table with the head and half mold in front of her. GRISSOM takes the seat next to her.)
Grissom: So teach me.
Teri Miller: Okay. First, I'm finishing off the plaster mold. We can't give her life with only half a face. Although most faces appear that way and the thin layer of slip makes the plaster and clay appear seamless.
(TERI takes GRISSOM'S hands and guides him as he helps apply the plaster mold.)
(Dissolve to: TERI finishes "painting" the face of the head in front of them.)
Teri Miller: Her cheekbones and nasal spine indicate nordic descent. I've seen a few Norwegian brunettes but your girl's probably a blonde.
(TERI takes a blonde-colored wig and puts it on the head in front of them.)
(Dissolve to: TERI looks at a couple of brown eyes.)
Grissom: Brown eyes? I thought you decided she was nordic.
(TERI puts the eyes in the "head".)
Teri Miller: But, in this country, brown is a dominant eye color. And, more importantly, brown photographs better. You want to get her face out there, don't you?
Grissom: Yeah. I'm sure someone needs closure and somebody else needs to go to jail.
(TERI finishes.)
Teri Miller: There she is.
(GRISSOM takes the camera and takes a picture of the head.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
[TELEVISION MONITOR]
Paula Francis: (from tv) As we first reported yesterday, the remains of an unidentified caucasian female were unearthed in Summercliff. The five foot four inch woman was approximately 20 years old.
(In the break room, GRISSOM watches the news report. NICK gets his cup and joins GRISSOM. He hands GRISSOM his cup.)
Nick: Here you go.
Paula Francis: (from tv) Authorities are asking for the public's help in identifying the victim.
(On the monitor, they show a close up of the completed head. A phone number appears on screen under it: (702) 555-0199.)
Paula Francis: (from tv) If you have any information please call the Las Vegas P.D. Hotline.
(CATHERINE walks into the room.)
Catherine: Hotlines ... h*t or miss.
Grissom: I don't know. In my experience people usually remember a beautiful woman.
(CATHERINE moves to stand in front of him. She looks at him expectantly. GRISSOM glances at NICK.)
Grissom: Uh, Nick, weren't you going to go and do the, uh...
(NICK turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: At the ... ?
(NICK gets the hint.)
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll do that.
(NICK leaves the break room. GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: So I saw Eddie. He actually... seemed scared.
Grissom: Did that make you happy?
Catherine: Um ... no. I'm not really sure what I ... feel.
Grissom: You're not still in love with Eddie? (She sighs.) Catherine, you have to hand off the case. Warrick can just double up.
(CATHERINE doesn't say anything.)
(DAVID PHILLIPS walks into the room.)
David Phillips: Uh ... Grissom, Dr. Robbins wants to see you. Something about your skeleton.
(DAVID PHILLIPS leaves the room. GRISSOM turns to look back at CATHERINE. He stands up to head for the door, then turns around.)
Grissom: Okay. You have to pass off the case. If you compromise the investigation there's no going back. You could hurt Eddie just as much as you could help him.
(GRISSOM opens the door and leaves. CATHERINE leans back in her seat, staring at the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the room. DR. ROBBINS stands over the skeleton.)
Grissom: Hey. I've already seen the marks on the ribs.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Uh-huh, but did you see the hairline fracture on the posterior skull?
Grissom: No.
(GRISSOM puts on his glasses and leans in closer for a look.)
(Camera moves into the skull to show the light from the fracture.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Easy to miss, but it screams blunt-force trauma. Also, the middle ear has three bones. They're dusted with sodium and lodged against the malleus. I found a tiny ball of earwax with grains of sand.
Grissom: Salt and sand. k*lled at the beach?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Not ruling it out.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick: Grissom. Hey, doc. Hotline's lit up. Five callers all I.D.'D the same woman -- Fay Green -- and her mother just confirmed.
(Camera pushes into GRISSOM and holds. He sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. MRS. GREEN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY]
Mrs. Green: (V.O.) I need to know what happened to my daughter.
(GRISSOM and MRS. GREEN sit at the dining room table with open photo albums around them.)
GRISSOM We're trying to figure that out for you.
(GRISSOM looks down at the open album in front of him.)
Grissom: She was quite an athlete, huh?
Mrs. Green: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Grissom: Did she scuba dive?
Mrs. Green: She had just been certified.
Grissom: Did, uh, Fay ... before she disappeared, go on any vacation? Go diving or spend time at the beach?
Mrs. Green: No, not that I recall. No.
Grissom: And she, uh ... lived here with you until she disappeared?
Mrs. Green: No, she had just moved in with her boyfriend, Jason Hendler. He still lives on Medley Place.
Grissom: And the, uh ... police interviewed him after she disappeared?
Mrs. Green: A couple of times. He had nothing to do with this.
Grissom: Well, how do you know that?
Mrs. Green: He loved my daughter. He was good to her.
Grissom: Did they... ever fight?
Mrs. Green: The first few months of a relationship nobody fights.
(She starts to cry, then stops.)
Mrs. Green: (whispers) She was crazy about him.
(She starts to cry.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY]
(DET. EVANS interviews APRIL, the woman charging EDDIE WILLOWS with r*pe.)
April Lewis: (o.s.) I've given Eddie Willows twenty lap dances. He never got rough till last night.
Det. B. Evans: In the parking lot.
April Lewis: Yeah, he asked me to go for drinks you know, but out in the parking lot he starts kissing on me and I kind of laughed it off, but ... then he grabbed me and he slams me against the wall and... that pig.
(CATHERINE appears in the doorway. She looks into the room and sees APRIL talking. She steps forward and looks into the exam room.)
Catherine: Hi.
(DET. EVANS stands up.)
Catherine: Evans, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm Catherine ... (hesitates) ... just Catherine. I'm a forensic scientist.
April Lewis: Scientist ... wow. You look so normal.
Catherine: Thanks.
Det. B. Evans: (quietly) Catherine, you sure want ... ?
Catherine: Yeah.
(CATHERINE takes the seat in front of APRIL.)
Catherine: Those bruises from last night?
April Lewis: Yeah. A guy pinned me against a wall.
Catherine: Sexual as*ault nurse collect a kit yet?
Det. B. Evans: She just finished.
Catherine: Why don't you see if you can catch her. I'd like her to get a sample from under her fingernails.
(DET. EVANS leaves the room.)
April Lewis: (nervously) Uh ... what kind of sample?
Catherine: Anything that might, show up from a ... a struggle.
April Lewis: You'd think what that nurse took down below would be enough. The weird thing is ... I liked the guy.
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK work on looking for the b*llet in the parking lot. SARA uses the metal detector and WARRICK searches the edges near the fence.)
Sara: It's not here.
Warrick: b*ll*ts just don't disappear.
(A young man wearing a red vest approaches them at the edge of the parking lot. SARA turns around and spots him.)
Sara: Excuse me. No one's allowed inside the tape.
Valet: I saw what happened.
(WARRICK and SARA head for the young man.)
Warrick: Have you talked to the police?
Valet: (shakes his head) Police make me nervous. You guys aren't cops, are you?
Warrick: We're Crime Scene Investigators. We need to know what you saw.
Valet: I was kind of taking a break, hanging out at the P.T. Cruiser. I was laid back in the heated driver's seat when I heard the siren.
(Quick flashback to: The VALET is sitting in the car. He turns his head to look when he hears the police siren.)
Officer Joe Tyner: (o.s.) Put your hands on the wheel!
Suspect: (o.s.) I didn't do it ...
(JERROD leans forward to get a better look.)
Suspect: ... whatever you think I did! Man, I'm looking at three strikes.
(JERROD opens his car door and gets out of the car.
Suspect: ... I'm not going back. Just let me show you my registration.
Officer Joe Tyner: No! Hands on the wheel!
(Watching them, The VALET hears the g*n and sees the smoke.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: And, just like that, the officer fired?
Valet: Just like that.
Sara: Missing b*llet, eyewitness ... we better tell Grissom we got a w*r.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM - DAY]
(WARRICK changes his shirt when GRISSOM walks into the locker room. He looks at WARRICK, then heads for his locker where he opens it and takes a seat on the bench.)
Grissom: I heard about your eyewitness. A valet who joyrides. He sounds reliable. (b*at) So, uh, how's the thing going on Eddie Willows?
Warrick: What thing?
Grissom: The thing that I told Catherine to pass off to you.
Warrick: (realizing and trying to cover) Oh, good. Um ... we just put some stuff through the lab.
Grissom: Get ahold of the DMV?
Warrick: I was just about to.
(GRISSOM slams his locker door shut and stands up. CATHERINE walks into the locker room.)
Grissom: Warrick? Why would you call the DMV on a r*pe charge?
(WARRICK sighs at being busted.)
Catherine: Okay. I didn't hand it off.
Grissom: Really?
Catherine: I'm sorry, Warrick.
Warrick: If you want me to suave anyone, I got to know the sh*t.
Catherine: I know.
(WARRICK leaves the locker room.)
Catherine: (to WARRICK) I'm sorry.
(CATHERINE walks up to GRISSOM, trying to explain it to him.)
Catherine: I'm doing this for Lindsey.
Grissom: You so much as breathe on the evidence, it's contaminated and I end up the bad guy.
Catherine: Eyes, no hands.
Grissom: What's the status?
Catherine: Skin samples from under the woman's fingernails are consistent with Ed's. I saw some bruises but Eddie's style has always been very ... involved ... vigorous.
Grissom: (puzzled) Vigorous?
(From the other side of the shelf, apparently WARRICK didn't leave the locker room. He explains.)
Warrick: She's trying to tell you Eddie likes it rough.
Catherine: Thank you, Warrick. Eddie said that she was into it.
Grissom: "He said. She said?" It's about the evidence, Catherine.
(GRISSOM steps back and heads toward the door. He turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: And you may not like where it takes you.
(GRISSOM walks out of the locker room. CATHERINE stands there for a moment.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA/TRACE LAB - DAY]
[SCOPE VIEW: GRAINS OF SAND]
(GREG is looking through the scope at the sands found in the skeleton's ear.)
Greg Sanders: So how many grains of sand in the ocean, huh?
Nick: I don't care about the ocean, just the sand in my skeleton. Can you pinpoint a beach?
GREG SANDERS; I don't know. I might have to do some field research. (Looks at NICK.) Hey, you think Grissom would send me to Hawaii?
(NICK looks up and sees GRISSOM in the doorway, GREG'S back is to the door so he doesn't see GRISSOM enter the lab.)
Nick: Why don't you ask him yourself?
Grissom: Ask me what?
(GREG turns around and stands up.)
Greg Sanders: Oh, nothing. I, uh ... I was just telling Nick about your sand. Well, it's not sand. It's not natural anyway. Here, check this out.
(GRISSOM looks through the scope.)
Greg Sanders: Now, if this were natural sand, the surface would be smooth.
[SCOPE VIEW: GRAINS OF SAND]
Greg Sanders: (o.s.) This looks more like Fremont Street on a Saturday night ... rough.
Nick: Could the particles be sediment from the concrete where we found her?
Greg Sanders: No. No way. I analyzed the mineral content. It's feldspar and quartz. That's crushed gray sandstone. It's man-made, in a rock crusher.
Nick: What does that mean?
Grissom: It means she wasn't k*lled in Hawaii.
(GREG freezes at being busted and slowly turns to look at GRISSOM.
Grissom: Other than that ... he has no idea.
(NICK laughs, puts a friendly arm around GREG'S shoulders and pats him lightly on the chest.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(BRASS walks through the hallway just in time to see WARRICK turn the corner and head his way.)
Brass: Is this payback, Warrick? Is that what this is? I was tough on you, so Officer Tyner takes my heat?
Warrick: That's how you think I work?
(SARA joins them trying to diffuse the argument building.)
Sara: Brass, this has nothing to do with anything.
Brass: D.A. is filing charges. On the testimony of a bleary-eyed car jockey who was 40 feet from the jeep.
(Behind them, OFFICER JOE TYNER appears in the hallway. He's dressed down and carrying a duffle bag over his shoulder. He turns and sees them arguing.)
Sara: Eyewitness is a bonus: Your cop's magazine was one b*llet shy.
(He drops his bag and heads for the group, gearing up for a fight.)
Officer Joe Tyner: That's you CSIs, always counting b*ll*ts.
(WARRICK turns around.)
Warrick: What's he doing here?
(BRASS moves to get between the OFFICER and the CSIs.)
Brass: Joe, you shouldn't be here.
Officer Joe Tyner: You show up with your latex gloves and your little fancy metal boxes ... your little powders ... you have no idea what it's like to put your life on the line every day!
(OFFICER JOE TYNER'S voice gets louder as he finally shouts loud enough that GRISSOM stands up from the scope in one of the labs to look at what the commotion in the hallway is about.)
Warrick: Oh, you mean dealing with punk-ass cops who hide behind their union reps?
(OFFICER TYNER lunges for WARRICK and pushes him in the chest. WARRICK takes a step backward.)
Sara: Wow, wow guys. Get off him. BRASS: Hey! Hey! Joe!
(GRISSOM heads out into the hallway. NICK follows.)
(BRASS manages to get OFFICER TYNER away from WARRICK.)
Warrick: (egging him on) You're just a psycho! You don't deserve a badge!
(OFFICER TYNER breaks from BRASS and heads for WARRICK. He reaches WARRICK and finds GRISSOM in his face.
Grissom: Cut it out! Not in my lab, pal.
Officer Tyner: Scientists! I bet you've never even drawn your w*apon.
Grissom: Yeah. I hope I never have to. Nick, walk this guy out the door.
Nick: Now, let's go.
(NICK walks down the hallway making sure that OFFICER TYNER leaves the building.)
Grissom: Sara.
Sara: Yeah. Come on, Warrick. Come on. Let's go.
(SARA leads WARRICK away from the hallway in the other direction. GRISSOM turns around and sees BRASS walking straight for him, angrier than ever.)
Brass: (angry) This is your fault, Gil. Your nose is so far down a microscope you have no idea what your people are doing.
Grissom: Yeah, I know one thing: My guys will not bend and they will not be intimidated.
Brass: Hey, I sat in your chair. Your guys have one job: To find the evidence. So where the hell is the missing b*llet? Huh?
(And with that, BRASS turns and walks away.)
(GRISSOM watches him leave and sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CASINO - RESTAURANT - DAY]
(CATHERINE sits at the table with her drink. EDDIE shows up and takes the seat on the other side of the table. CATHERINE looks up in surprise.)
Catherine: Eddie.
Eddie Willows: Catherine. (to the waitress) I'll take a root beer.
Waitress: Sure.
Catherine: What are you doing here?
Eddie Willows: I knew you'd be here. You got a routine: Turkey club, no bacon.
Catherine: You could be a detective. Thank you.
Waitress: You're welcome.
Catherine: (sighs) Well, you obviously made bail. Did you get a lawyer?
Eddie Willows: I got you and The Truth. Who needs a lawyer?
(CATHERINE ignores him and picks up her Turkey club sandwich.)
Eddie Willows: (looks away and sighs) I came to tell you how great you are. It always comes out wrong. When I married you, I married up. I know that.
Catherine: (smiles) It wasn't all bad.
(He leans back in triumph at getting her to admit that much at least. CATHERINE smiles back at him.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK stare at the SUSPECT'S jeep, Nevada license #QLF-084.)
Sara: You think the b*llet's somewhere in the jeep.
Warrick: It's not in the body. It's not at the crime scene. I like our odds.
Sara: Let's do it.
(SARA takes off her jacket. WARRICK starts unbuttoning his shirt. The two get ready to search the car for the missing b*llet.)
(Short time cut to: The jeep is being taken apart piece by piece, the seats are out on the garage floor.)
(Short time cut to: WARRICK and SARA take off the jeep's hood.)
(Short time cut to: SARA and WARRICK take apart the front bumper.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
(SARA and WARRICK stare at the body of the jeep with its parts removed.)
Sara: We have searched every single piece of metal. I think hide-and-seek is over.
(WARRICK sighs.)
Warrick: Yeah. We've searched every piece of metal.
(WARRICK turns and looks at the tire on the garage floor nearby.)
Warrick: Spare tire.
(He kneels down in front of it and checks the tire. They find the b*llet.)
Sara: You've got to be kidding me.
Warrick: The tire sucked up the b*llet and the treads covered its tracks.
SARA; We match the b*llet to the cop's g*n, the case is airtight.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
[SCOPE VIEW: TWO b*ll*ts SIDE BY SIDE]
Warrick: (o.s.) There's a match.
(WARRICK steps away from the scope and let's SARA look. Standing off to the side is BOBBY DAWSON.)
Warrick: We got Tyner. One bad cop going down.
Bobby Dawson: Well, actually, Warrick, the evidence round wasn't from the cop's g*n. It was from the suspect's.
(SARA looks up.)
Sara: No way.
CUT TO:
[INT. STRIP BAR]
(DET. EVANS and CATHERINE walk into the strip bar. They approach the bar owner sitting at the counter watching the girls dance.)
Det. B. Evans: These guys never give up anything on their girls.
Catherine: Well, let me give it a try.
(They reach the owner, TED BENSON.)
Catherine: Excuse me, sir.
(He turns to look at her.)
Catherine: Can we see your permits?
Ted Beaton: Oh, hi, Gorgeous. How are you?
(He grabs her hand and CATHERINE leans over so he can give her a kiss.)
Catherine: Okay, Ted.
Ted Beaton: How you doing?
Catherine: I'm okay.
(CATHERINE sits down in the empty seat next to TED.)
Ted Beaton: Hi. You should have seen this lady dance. Oh, was she good! You still working with the cops?
(DET. EVANS watches the two and smiles at being had by CATHERINE. He takes the empty seat next to her and sits down.)
Catherine: Can't seem to get off the night shift.
Det. B. Evans: You dressed like that?
(CATHERINE turns around at his comment and laughs.)
Catherine: If you want to call that dressed. Yeah, Evans. Hey, Ted, you heard about this thing with Eddie and April?
Ted Beaton: Yeah, the night guy told me about it. Boy, Eddie never changes, huh?
(As if transported to another place (another time, another life), CATHERINE stops and watches the girl up on the counter top dance around the pole. She watches the dance. DET. EVANS turns to watch CATHERINE. TED also turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Ted Beaton: Bring back memories?
(CATHERINE turns and looks at TED.)
Catherine: You mind if I look around?
Ted Beaton: Help yourself.
Catherine: Thanks, Ted.
(CATHERINE stands up and leaves to look around.)
CUT TO:
[INT. STRIP BAR - DRESSING ROOM]
(The door opens and CATHERINE walks in. She closes the door behind her. She looks around at the lockers and at the dressing counters.)
(She spots the locker marked, "APRIL". She opens it and looks around. Inside, she finds a box of VCF, Vaginal Contraceptive Film --"The Dissolving Contraceptive ... " She flips the box over and reads the back.)
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) DOORBELL
CUT TO:
[EXT. HENDER HOME - FRONT PORCH]
(The front door opens.)
AMY HENDLER Can I help you?
Grissom: Ma'am, my name is Gil Grissom. This is Nick Stokes.
Nick: Hi.
Jason Hendler: (steps out from the back of the room) Honey, who's out there?
Grissom: Mr. Hendler, we're criminalists from the Las Vegas police department.
Amy Hendler: What's this about?
Grissom: We're investigating the disappearance of Fay Green. May we come in?
(AMY HENDLER turns around to look at her husband. He motions them inside.)
Jason Hendler: Yes.
Nick: Thank you.
(AMY HENDLER steps aside. GRISSOM and NICK walk into the house. She closes the door behind them.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HENDLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
(JASON HENDLER leads them to the living room. He turns around and looks at GRISSOM. NICK looks around the place.)
Jason Hendler: (quietly) Did you find her?
Grissom: Yes, I'm afraid we did. She'd been d*ad for quite a while.
Jason Hendler: Hmm. (barely under his breath) You always hope ...
(AMY doesn't say anything.)
GRISSOM; Mr. Hendler ... would it be possible for us to look around?
Jason Hendler: Fay only lived here for about a month, five years ago.
(GRISSOM looks at him waiting for an answer.)
Jason Hendler: I've got nothing to hide.
Grissom: Thank you.
Nick: Thanks.
(NICK walks around the group and into the living room. GRISSOM stands in the hallway, thoughtful. He walks down the hallway and into the room. That's where he finds the large fish t*nk. He leans in and looks at it.)
(AMY and JASON HENDLER follow GRISSOM. NICK enters the room also.)
Grissom: A trigger and a lionfish.
Jason Hendler: Yeah, that's right.
Grissom: Interesting choices. Violent, carnivorous predators.
(As NICK walks around the room, looking about, the floor squeaks. GRISSOM immediately notices the sound and turns to look.)
Jason Hendler: It's just a warped floorboard.
Amy Hendler: It's been like that forever.
Grissom: Mr. Hendler, at any time, was your fish t*nk over here?
Jason Hendler: Maybe, a while ago. Why?
Grissom: Did it ever overflow? (b*at) Break?
Jason Hendler: Not that I recall.
Grissom: You said I could look anywhere, right?
Jason Hendler: Yeah.
Grissom: (to NICK) Got a pocket Kn*fe?
(GRISSOM kneels down and starts to pry the floorboard up and off.)
Jason Hendler: What are you doing?
Grissom: (to JASON HENDLER) Pops out, pops in.
(NICK and GRISSOM look under the floorboard. He finds sand.)
Grissom: (to NICK) What do you find inside an hourglass?
(GRISSOM stands up.)
Grissom: Mr. Hendler, I think the t*nk was over here. I think it broke. I think you got water and artificial sand all over the place.
Jason Hendler: I'd like you fellows to leave now, please.
Grissom: Fine, we'll go. We'll be back ... with a warrant.
(GRISSOM turns and heads out the room. NICK looks over at the HENDLER, nods and follows.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(CATHERINE walks into the lab.)
Catherine: So, Greg, what did the r*pe kit say?
Greg Sanders: Nonoxynol-9, polyvinyl alcohol, and...
Catherine: Glycerin?
(GREG looks up from the results, surprised that CATHERINE got it.)
Greg Sanders: Yeah.
(She holds up the box.)
Catherine: It's a contraceptive film. (She points to the mug in his hand.)
What are you drinking?
Greg Sanders: Chamomile.
Catherine: May I?
Greg Sanders: Sure.
Catherine: Thank you.
(CATHERINE takes the mug from GREG and removes the tea bag inside. She pours the liquid into a glass container.)
Greg Sanders: So you used to work at the French Palace?
Catherine: That's right.
Greg Sanders: You know, my friends and I used to go there.
Catherine: Really?
Greg Sanders: Payday fridays.
Catherine: Uh-huh.
Greg Sanders: Maybe I saw you perform?
Catherine: (sighs) Oh, I doubt it.
Greg Sanders: Why?
(CATHERINE looks at GREG.)
Catherine: You would have remembered.
(GREG looks absolutely stunned. CATHERINE turns her attention back to the experiment. She removes one of the contraceptive films and dips it into the heated liquid.)
Catherine: So, this film-- it's kind of hard to detect because it dissolves with body heat. And, as you know, Greg, sex can make a body pretty hot.
(They wait for the film to dissolve.)
Greg Sanders: This stuff has to be inserted fifteen minutes to three hours before sex.
Catherine: Which means that April inserted the film while she was still at work.
Greg Sanders: But how could she have known to put the birth control in before she was r*ped?
CATHERINE Exactly.
(CATHERINE drops the film and forceps into the glass container, stands up and walks out of the lab.)
(GREG lifts up the VCF box and looks at the back of it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(NICK and GRISSOM walk through the hallway)
Nick: Guess where Jason Hendler was employed five years ago.
Grissom: Summercliff Housing Development. A plumber, perhaps?
Nick: Close. A subcontractor. How did you know?
Grissom: Why else would you be so excited?
(TERI MILLER walks through the hallway pulling her bags behind her. GRISSOM looks up and sees her.)
Grissom: Hey! You weren't going to say good-bye to me?
Nick: I'll meet you outside. Hi, Teri.
Teri Miller: Thought I'd let you off easy. But I did tack up my number on your big fish corkboard ... under "cold cases."
Grissom: The ones that got away.
Teri Miller: Let's hope not.
(TERI heads out the hallway. She glances back at GRISSOM as she turns the corner and out of his sight.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(WARRICK and SARA show BRASS what they discovered.)
Warrick: So, check it out ... the laser is the path of the b*llet. If you were Officer Tyner and you approached the suspect from the driver's side of the vehicle ...
Sara: Vic was sh*t in the frontal lobe through the windshield. There's no way I could sh**t the guy from here and mimic that trajectory.
Warrick: The laws of physics trump the eye witness. There's only one way this could've gone down.
(Quick flashback to: That night. The SUSPECT reaches for the glove compartment and opens it.)
Suspect: I'll show you my registration!
Officer Tyner: Put your hands on the wheel!
(The SUSPECT reaches for the g*n inside. He pulls it out and sh**t himself in the forehead.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Officer Tyner was telling the truth.
(cc) BRASS: And that's a surprise?
(cc) SARA: Ease up. Until now, none of us knew what really happened.
Brass: So I bet you think I owe you one, huh?
Warrick: We work. We get paid. You don't owe me anything.
Brass: (smirks) Fine with me.
(He turns and leaves the garage. SARA shakes her head and sighs.)
(WARRICK doesn't look too disappointed by BRASS' reaction.)
CUT TO:
[INT. STRIP BAR - DRESSING ROOM]
(CATHERINE is with APRIL in the dressing room. APRIL is getting dressed.)
April Lewis: He promised me a million things. I got tired of him lying.
Catherine: Like what -- marriage, kids?
April Lewis: Music videos. He kept telling me he'd put me in one but he never delivered.
Catherine: And for that you set him up for r*pe?
(APRIL sighs.)
April Lewis: No, it wasn't supposed to go this far, okay? I got this friend over at the trop. She got this high roller on a r*pe charge. He paid a ton to make it go away.
Catherine: Wait a minute. You think that Eddie's got money?
April Lewis: He is in the music business.
Catherine: He reps some bands off-strip.
April Lewis: (disbelieving) No, I met a producer friend of his from L.A. and he's always throwing money around this place.
(CATHERINE starts to laugh. APRIL is puzzled by CATHERINE'S behavior. She turns to look at CATHERINE.)
April Lewis: What? What's so funny?
Catherine: (sighs) Nothing.
(She shakes her head.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JASON HENDLER'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM takes the floorboard off. The HENDLERS watch. GRISSOM looks under the floorboard and doesn't find the sand there anymore.)
Grissom: I see you've cleaned house. I thought you might.
Jason Hendler: I vacuumed up the sand. Big deal. Will you at least tell me what you're doing here?
Grissom: I'm working, sir. Officer, would you h*t the lights, please?
(The top light turn off. GRISSOM sprays the floors.)
JASON HENDLER You're getting my floor wet.
(NICK enters the room.)
Nick: It's luminol, sir. It dries quickly.
Grissom: Surface is non-reactive.
Jason Hendler: I know what you're doing. You're looking for blood.
Amy Hendler: My husband didn't do anything. Why are you harassing him?
Grissom: Let's try the ALS.
Nick: Why use the Alternate Light Source if the luminol didn't pick up anything?
Grissom: Luminol works on the surface. ALS chases the protein molecules in blood. It actually penetrates the wood. These floorboards are all made of maple -- high-end-but they've been lacquered.
(They look at each other.)
Nick: Who lacquers maple unless they're trying to hide something?
Grissom: Yeah.
(NICK turns on the ALS and sweeps the floor. They find glowing spots of blood drops and hand prints on the floorboards. GRISSOM stands up for a better look.)
Grissom: Turn it off, Nick. Officer, h*t the lights, please.
(The top room lights turn on.)
Grissom: Mr. Hendler let me tell you what I think happened to Fay. On the night of her disappearance, the two of you got in a heated argument.
(Quick flashback to: JASON HENDLER and FAY GREEN arguing and fighting.)
Fay Green: Don't you walk away from me!
(JASON grabs FAY. She pulls away and goes head first into the large fish t*nk, water spills everywhere. FAY falls to the floor.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Suffering a concussion, Fay falls to the floor. In the heat of the moment you decide to make it final. But Fay surprises you: She fights back. She pushes you off. She crawls a few feet away and you move in for the final att*ck.
(Quick flashback to: The fish t*nk breaks. FAY is on the floor. JASON HENDLER is above her, hitting her with the hand tool. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: One thing that I don't know, though. What did you use to k*ll her?
Jason Hendler: I didn't k*ll her.
Grissom: Well, whatever the w*apon it wasn't a Kn*fe, but it worked. You drove her body over to Summercliff where you were employed and you buried her in wet concrete.
Jason Hendler: I worked the Summercliff job less than a week. Ask Amy. She worked for the same contractor.
Amy Hendler: That's right. He got a better job in Reno. Jason wasn't even in Vegas when Fay disappeared.
Nick: And you painted the floors, covered your tracks for what, aesthetic reasons?
(AMY sighs.)
Grissom: Five years is a long time but eventually the past catches up to everybody.
Jason Hendler: (insistent) I didn't k*ll Fay! I loved her. I STILL love her.
(JASON stops when he realizes what he just said. Everyone freezes. JASON turns around to look at AMY, who shakes her head in denial.)
Jason Hendler: Amy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Amy Hendler: You still love her?
(He looks at her and sighs. He doesn't deny it.)
Nick: Officer, would you please arrest Mr. Hendler?
(A couple of officers walk into the room to handcuff JASON HENDLER.)
Jason Hendler: Call my father. He'll get a lawyer. I didn't do it. It's okay.
Grissom: (to NICK) I'll ride along with the cops. Bring homicide up to speed. This is now a fresh crime scene.
(GRISSOM heads out.)
Nick: I'll get to work.
(NICK looks over at AMY who stands in the room, stunned.)
(NICK leaves the room to get his things. In the next room, NICK reaches for his gloves. As he puts them on, his eyes latch onto the framed photos hanging on the wall. He looks at them absently, but something in one of the photos catches his eyes.)
(It's a black and white photo of a couple of people wearing mountain climbing gear. He remembers what GRISSOM told him in the autopsy room.)
Grissom: (V.O.) "The instrument had to be slightly curved with some kind of serrated edge like crocodile teeth..."
(The camera moves in slowly to the climbing picks in the mountain climbers' hands. NICK realizes what the m*rder w*apon is.)
Nick: (eyes glued to the photo) Mrs. Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
(The g*n cocks.)
Amy Hendler: (o.s.) Yes.
(NICK turns to look at AMY and instead, finds himself staring down the barrel of a g*n.)
Amy Hendler: That's what I k*lled her with.
CUT TO:
[EXT. HENDLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(JASON HENDLER, the OFFICERS and GRISSOM walk out of the house.)
Jason Hendler: I can prove I was in Reno when Fay disappeared. I've got records. You don't want to talk, fine. But I've got a question for you. Why do you care so much about the floors? I mean, Amy paints them every spring. It's no big deal.
(JASON shakes his head as the officers put him in the back seat of the car. GRISSOM stands there, thinking.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HENDLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(Staring at the g*n barrel, NICK backs away slowly from AMY HENDLER.)
Amy Hendler: Jason was in Reno. I came here to tell Fay that we would be together again one day.
NICK Mrs. Hendler, put the g*n down.
Amy Hendler: Do you know he was engaged to me when he met her?
(Quick flashback to: FAY GREEN walks away from AMY. AMY grabs FAY. FAY pulls away; they struggle for a moment. FAY hits head first into the fish t*nk.)
Amy Hendler: Where are you going? FAY GREEN: Stop it!
(While FAY is on the floor, AMY reaches for the mountain climbing pick and beats FAY with it.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Amy Hendler: There was blood ... everywhere. No one else could see it ... but I knew it was there. A d*ad body is so heavy.
(NICK nods his head, tears in his own eyes.)
Nick: Mrs. Hendler, I'm a good listener. (swallows) You got to give me the g*n.
Amy Hendler: (cries) I can't! (whispers) I'm sorry.
Nick: No, wait.
Amy Hendler: But you arrested my husband.
Nick: Wait!
Grissom: (o.s.) Mrs. Hendler.
(AMY HENDLER swings around to find GRISSOM pointing his own g*n at her. His focus intent on her.)
Grissom: Nick, don't move.
(AMY HENDLER holds the shaking g*n on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Please. I don't want to f*re my g*n any more than you do. For five years, you've been washing the blood off your hands. (She starts crying.)
Let's put down the g*n.
(AMY slowly lowers the g*n. GRISSOM slowly walks toward her. NICK sees that it's going to be all right and turns around, his back to everyone.)
(GRISSOM takes the g*n from AMY.)
Grissom: You okay, Nick?
(NICK turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Nick: Yeah.
Grissom: Come on.
(GRISSOM leads AMY HENDLER out of the room. NICK takes off his gloves.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARK - DAY]
(CATHERINE sits on the park bench watching LINDSEY playing on the swings.)
Lindsey Willows: Hey, mom!
(EDDIE walks up from behind and stands next to CATHERINE. CATHERINE waves back to LINDSEY.)
Eddie Willows: Morning.
(CATHERINE looks up at EDDIE.)
Catherine: Morning.
(EDDIE takes the seat next to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Please don't tell me that you're in trouble again already.
Eddie Willows: You weren't home. I figured you'd be here. Lindsey loves this park. So, I thought I'd take you out to breakfast. Say thank you.
Catherine: You're welcome.
(CATHERINE takes off her sunglasses and looks at EDDIE.)
Catherine: I don't think that's such a good idea, though.
(EDDIE nods.)
Eddie Willows: Cath, when are we going to talk about what happened between us?
Catherine: What's to talk about? You cheated on me. I caught you. I've got a new life.
(They both turn to look at LINDSEY. He reaches for CATHERINE.)
Eddie Willows: Cath ...
(CATHERINE pulls away.)
Eddie Willows: Come on. Why do you fight the one thing we're good at?
(He reaches for her again and leans in close ... just as LINDSEY looks up from her seat on the swing and sees him. She runs over to them.)
Lindsey Willows: Daddy! Daddy!
Eddie Willows: Hey! There's my little girl.
(He turns away from CATHERINE and stands to pick up LINDSEY. She jumps into his arms and hugs him. Over her shoulder, EDDIE looks at CATHERINE. She sighs.)
(The camera pulls away from them.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x06 - Who Are You?"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. COLLINS' HOUSE - NIGHT]
(Camera opens on the front of the Collins' mail box. The sprinkler system is on.)
(Camera pushes in slowly to the bunny lawn decorations near the mail box.)
(The sprinkler system shuts off.)
(After a moment, the front door opens and a woman screams.)
Tina Collins: (screaming) Help me!
(TINA COLLINS runs out of the house.)
Tina Collins: (screaming) Oh, god, help me! Somebody, please! Please ... oh, god! Somebody help me!
(TINA COLLINS runs across the front lawn and out into the street, still screaming at the top of her lungs.)
Tina Collins: Please! Help me! Help me!
(She runs to the next door neighbor's, the lights in the house having turned on at the screams.)
Tina Collins: Help me! Help me! Please!
(She reaches the front door and starts pounding on it.)
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING
CUT TO:
[EXT. NEIGHBORHOOLD - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(Emergency vehicles and Officer cars surround the house. GRISSOM drives up to the scene, the dispatch radio on in his car.)
(GRISSOM parks the car and exits the vehicle. He meets up with DET. O'RILEY. They head for the house.)
Grissom: Hey.
Det. O'Riley: Heads up. The press is going to be all over this one.
Grissom: Did the count change since you called me?
Det. O'Riley: Four d*ad: Mother, father, two teenage boys. The sisters were luckier.
(He points to a girl talking with an officer off to the side. She has a blanket wrapped around her.)
Det. O'Riley: Teen girl heard a noise, hid in the closet. Alerted the neighbors after all the shouting was done.
(He points to a little girl sitting in the front seat of the police car.)
Det. O'Riley: Younger sister's over there. They couldn't have k*lled their father tag team -- soaking wet.
(GRISSOM looks at the house and sees an OFFICER run out of the house, a handkerchief pressed tightly to his mouth. He rushes toward the bushes at the side of the house to throw up.)
Grissom: What's the matter with your guys?
Det. O'Riley: They've been inside.
(DET. O'RILEY puts his notebook into his coat pocket and walks away.)
(Grimly, GRISSOM stares at the house. He sighs.)
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - NEAR FRONT DOOR -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SHIBLEY walk toward the open front door.)
Grissom: Put your equipment down, son.
(SHIBLEY puts his kit down. GRISSOM signs in and hands the board back to the officer at the door. He hands a pair of latex gloves to SHIBLEY. GRISSOM'S thoughts are at what lies beyond. GRISSOM puts his own gloves up.)
Grissom: Put these on. I'm going to do a preliminary walk-through. You're going to take my notes.
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS' HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and SHIBELY walk inside.)
(GRISSOM looks around. He sees the framed family photograph on the wall.)
(SHIBLEY also looks around and sees the light switch. He moves to turn it on. GRISSOM stops him.)
Grissom: Don't touch that! I want everything exactly the way it was.
(SHIBLEY withdraws. GRISSOM looks around and sees the stairs leading up to the second floor. On the way up, they pass more framed family photographs hanging on the wall.)
Grissom: The air smells like copper. Lots of blood. Breathe through your mouth.
Shibley: Yes, sir.
(On the stairway, they pass a statue of a rabbit in front of a photograph of rabbits.)
(They reach the second floor.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(The first thing they see down the hallway is a pair of feet of the first d*ad body. There is blood spatter on the hallway walls. GRISSOM turns the corner and looks down at the body.)
Grissom: Male caucasian approximately 40 years old lying in a pool of blood.
(GRISSOM walks cautiously around the body. SHIBLEY appears and takes a look at the body as he writes. GRISSOM kneels down next to the body.)
Grissom: No drag marks. Body does not appear to have been moved. Multiple s*ab wounds to the back and neck. Looks like a single-edged blade. Force to such a degree that the left and right internal jugular veins have been transected. Head faces west. Feet pointing east. Approximately two feet from the north wall, one foot from the south.
Shibley: (swallows as he's getting sick) Could ... could you take your own notes? I think that I'm going to be sick.
(Behind him, SARA appears. She looks at SHIBLEY and grabs the clipboard from him.)
Sara: I got it. Go get some fresh air.
(SHIBLEY leaves, coughing as he goes. GRISSOM stares at SARA.)
Sara: I heard on the scanner. Quadruple. Figured you might need a hand.
Grissom: You don't sleep, do you?
Sara: (shakes her head, unoffended) No.
(GRISSOM turns back to look around. SARA also looks around and latches on the bullseye symbol on the wall.)
Sara: Blood swirl on the wall. Are you thinking cult? Manson?
Grissom: (shakes his head, he doesn't know) Somebody left a message. I need to see the rest of it.
(GRISSOM looks around.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and SARA walk into the Master Bedroom. They walk toward the bed. On the bed, Mrs. Collins is d*ad.)
(GRISSOM recites; SARA writes.)
Grissom: Female Caucasian. Appears to be one s*ab wound to the throat. Transection of left and right carotid arteries with exsanguinating hemorrhage. No defense marks. Cursory opinion: She was k*lled in her sleep.
(SARA looks around. Listening. GRISSOM also stops and looks around. In the silence, they can hear it. Something's dripping.)
(They both lean in toward the body.)
(Her blood hasn't clotted and is dripping down her fingertips to the floor.)
Grissom: (sighs) Do you feel this?
Sara: (nods) (quietly) Her soul's still in the room.
Grissom: But there's something else.
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(SARA takes a picture of the d*ad woman. GRISSOM walks out of the room and down the hall. He follows the blood spatter on the floor back to the body of MR. COLLINS.)
(GRISSOM stops in front of the door that MR. COLLINS is in front of. It's BRENDA'S room. GRISSOM pushes the door open and walks into the room. He looks around. It appears to be a normal little girl's room.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM pushes the door open and walks into the sons' room. One of the boys is d*ad on the bed. GRISSOM lifts the sheet and looks underneath.)
(He checks the windows.)
(He looks at the other empty bed in the room. On the mirror is another bull's eye symbol. GRISSOM walks toward it and looks at it.)
(In the mirror's reflection, he finds the second son's body on the floor between the bed and the wall. He turns around to look at the body. The little boy was s*ab in the back. GRISSOM looks up and sees two bloodied hand prints on the wall. He closes his eyes at the sight.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS' RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks out of the house. He walks up to DET. O'RILEY.)
Det. O'Riley: You want a barf bag?
Grissom: (firmly) I want the paramedics that were in this house back here immediately -- police escort. Get them on this front lawn now.
(GRISSOM walks up to the next OFFICER.)
DET. O'RIELY: You'd think I work for you instead of the other way around.
Grissom: (to the OFFICER) Call dispatch. You tell my entire graveyard shift that I want them here ASAP -- all of them-- no exceptions.
(The OFFICER leaves. GRISSOM turns to look at SARA.)
Grissom: Sara, those photos -- blown up times ten. Tell the lab that we need every forensics tool available to us here right away. This is the only crime scene in Las Vegas tonight.
Sara: Yes, sir.
(GRISSOM turns and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(A reporter standing outside the house gives her news report.)
Reporter 1 (woman): The fear in this neighborhood just South of Las Vegas Boulevard is almost palpable. Scott Collins, his wife and two sons were brutally m*rder in their beds.
(Camera moves past the woman reporter to another woman reporter behind her ... )
Reporter 2 (woman): ... the m*rder of four innocent ...
(Camera moves past the camera view screen for the first reporter ... )
Reporter 1 (woman): Authorities thus far have offered no comment fueling the fears of the neighbors that a k*ller is on the loose.
Reporter 3 (man): (o.s.) ... A multiple m*rder. And we will have more on this ...
(Camera lingers on the neighbors standing outside and watching.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks up to DET. O'RILEY who is talking with TINA COLLINS.)
Det. O'Riley: It's okay. We'll give you clothes. The lab guys just want to see yours.
Grissom: Sergeant, may I?
(DET. O'RILEY steps aside. GRISSOM looks at TINA.)
Grissom: Tina ... I'm very sorry about what happened to you tonight. But everything we take from your house can help us find out what happened to your family.
Tina Collins: (crying) When can I be with my sister? She's so scared.
(TINA looks over at BRENDA who is sitting quietly in the front of the police car.)
Grissom: Soon. Detective?
(A woman detective steps up to stand next to TINA COLLINS. GRISSOM turns and heads for the police car.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks up to the police car.)
Grissom: (to the OFFICER) Thanks.
(The OFFICER steps aside and GRISSOM kneels down in front of BRENDA COLLINS. BRENDA doesn't look at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Hi. Is your name Brenda?
(BRENDA blinks, then looks at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: I'm trying to find out who hurt your family. Do you think you could help me? Did anyone come into your room tonight? Through the door? Through the window maybe?
(BRENDA doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: (nods) Okay.
(GRISSOM stands up and turns to leave. BRENDA stops him.)
Brenda Collins: (softly) The buffalo.
(GRISSOM turns around to look at BRENDA. He kneels back down in front of her.)
Grissom: The buffalo? Who's the buffalo?
(BRENDA doesn't respond. And she doesn't look at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Brenda?
(Sensing he's not going to get any more from her, he stands up and leaves. BRENDA watches him go.)
BLUR OUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS RESIDENCE - NIGHT - SHORT TIME LATER]
(GRISSOM walks up to NICK, CATHERINE and WARRICK.)
Grissom: First rule for this crime scene: Do not do any interviews. Second rule: Don't talk to the Sheriff either.
Warrick: Media have it right? Four d*ad?
Grissom: The k*ller was here not two hours ago. He left part of himself behind. Catherine, I need you inside, mapping and blood samples.
Catherine: You got it.
Grissom: Nick, Warrick-- the perimeter. I want to know how he got here how he got in, how he got out, and how he left.
Nick: I'll take the back. Warrick, you get the front?
Warrick: You got it.
(Cut to: A blurry image of the American flag.)
(Cut to: Various sh*ts of the spectators standing around watching.)
(Cut to: The media crowd out in the front lawn.)
(GRISSOM heads back into the house.)
(Cut to: DET. O'RILEY stands next to REPORTER 1 (WOMAN). He looks up when someone calls his name.)
Officer: (o.s.) Hey, O'Riley, Grissom wants to see you.
(He ducks under the crime scene tape and heads back toward the house.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks cautiously in the kitchen. DET. O'RILEY walks into the kitchen.)
Det. O'Riley: They said you were looking for me.
Grissom: Hey, stop! Evidence!
(DET. O'RILEY stops and changes his course, staying off of the main floor and on the sides of the room.)
Det. O'Riley: We got to hug the wall? This is the only room with no blood in it. There's nothing to disturb.
Grissom: You guys will never get it, will you?
(GRISSOM continues to look around and notices the open Kn*fe drawer. He reaches over and pulls it open.
Grissom: Kn*fe drawer. One missing.
Det. O'Riley: It's the only drawer open. The k*ller knew where they were going.
Grissom: I think the suspect's been in this house before. And this is the first place they stopped tonight.
(GRISSOM looks down at the floor.)
Grissom: Good. Linoleum. The best surface.
Det. O'Riley: Best surface for what?
WHITE FLASH TO:
(GRISSOM is on his hands and knees mere inches from the floor holding a special light. He finds some shoe prints.)
(Short time cut to: GRISSOM has the print lifter on the floor.)
Det. O'Riley: (o.s.) You guys got some toys ...
Grissom: It's not a toy, O'Riley. It's an electrostatic dust print lifter.
Det. O'Riley: Okay ...
Grissom: Like a supercharged lint remover only it lifts footprints. Possibly our k*ller's.
(GRISSOM flips the sheet over and on the other side is a clear image of the shoe print.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM questions the paramedics.)
EMS #1: We did everything by the book, sir.
Grissom: Relax. I just want to know where you walked in the house and who you touched in there.
EMS #1: Well, we did use the main entry, and up the stairs. But once we saw the husband, we grabbed the walls. I felt the pulses in each room. Once I found they were d*ad, we booked.
Grissom: Show me the bottom of your shoe.
(GRISSOM takes the shoe print and checks it against the EMS's.)
(The first one is not a match.)
Grissom: Now yours.
(The second EMS's shoes match the prints found in the kitchen. He stands up.)
Grissom: You fellows were both in the kitchen.
EMS #1: We didn't see any bodies in there so I didn't think twice about walking on the surface.
Grissom: All right. Yours are the only clean prints I found. Thanks. You can go back to work.
(The paramedics leave. DET. O'RILEY walks up to GRISSOM.)
Det. O'Riley: News bim's waiting for you. Thinks you have an "interesting look."
(GRISSOM looks over at the media hanging just outside the crime scene tape.)
Reporter 1 (woman): Any truth to the rumor that a cult may have committed these crimes?
Grissom: I don't know that.
Reporter 1 (woman): But you wouldn't rule it out?
Grissom: I don't rule anything out.
(That small tidbid seemed to satisfy the news media. From behind him, someone calls him.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Grissom.
Grissom: Sheriff?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: The mayor has already called. So what have you got?
Grissom: Nothing.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: I'm not asking you to lay out your whole case. Just give me something I can run with. I have got to feed the press and defuse the panic.
Grissom: As soon as I have something, you'll have something.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Here's a thought. Why don't you try being more like Ecklie?
Grissom: I could speak volumes about Conrad Ecklie, but I have a crime scene to process so ... you'll have to excuse me.
Reporter 1 (woman): Sheriff, can you tell me what went on inside?
(SHERIFF walks over to the media and talks with them.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Let me assure everyone that the situation is well under control. We don't have any suspects at this time, but our forensic crew ...
(Still sitting in the front of the police car and temporarily forgotten is BRENDA COLLINS. GRISSOM walks over to SARA.)
Sara: You want me inside?
Grissom: I need you to transport the little girl to the police department. Brass is waiting for you.
Sara: You're kidding me, right? I'm a taxi service on the biggest case of the year?
Grissom: Sara ... I need one of us with that little girl.
(GRISSOM turns and walks back into the house leaving SARA with her mouth gaping.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE - YARD -- DAY]
(WARRICK finds some tire prints in the dirt. He checks the dirt.)
(Cut to: A bunny yard decoration.)
(NICK stands in the entryway taking pictures of something he's found just outside the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY]
(Camera opens on small framed photographs on the bedside table. Camera moves over to show the bloodstained bedsheets, the body has already been removed.)
(CATHERINE takes a sample of the blood found on the bed.)
(Cut to: [EXT. ENTRYWAY] NICK steps just outside the entryway and sees a bidi in the bushes. He takes a photograph of it.)
(Cut to: [EXT. YARD] WARRICK takes photographs of the tire prints in the dirt.)
(Cut to: [INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY] CATHERINE takes another blood sample from the hallway floor.)
(Cut to: [EXT. ENTRYWAY] NICK picks up the bidi from the bushes and looks at it. He puts it in a bindle. He looks down and finds a used match. He picks that up also.)
(Cut to: [INT. SECOND FLOOR BOYS' BEDROOM] CATHERINE takes a blood sample from the hand prints on the wall. She turns around and watches the CORONERS' remove one of the boys' bodies.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - FIRST FLOOR - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM watches as the body is brought down the stairs by the CORONERS. GRISSOM walks up to DAVID PHILLIPS.)
Grissom: I want to see all of their personal property -- clothes, jewelry, whatever they have on.
David Phillips: If there's something under all this blood you'll be the first to know.
(DAVID turns to leave with the bodies. NICK stands in the doorway and lifts up the sheet to one of the little boy's bodies. He looks under it and puts it down. He looks at GRISSOM and sighs.)
Nick: (upset) This kid should be out playing Pop Warner.
(NICK heads back outside and hits the door with his fist in frustration. GRISSOM doesn't say anything, but watches NICK.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. VARIOUS FRONT LAWN SCENES - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE reports to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: I got the blood samples on the way to the lab.
Grissom: Good. You buy this cult thing?
Catherine: You mean the blood swirls next to the father's body in the boys' room?
(CATHERINE shakes her head.)
Catherine: I studied pictures of the Manson m*rder. This isn't butter. It's imitation.
(GRISSOM nods in agreement.)
Catherine: What's your take?
Grissom: Whoever did it k*lled the mother first. In her sleep, quick.
Catherine: Explains why the blood is confined to the bed and the floor under it.
Grissom: Husband woke up. Ran to protect his kids.
(They start walking out of the bedroom as GRISSOM narrates.)
Grissom: The k*ller nicked him here. And then finished him off down the hall.
Catherine: Gave his life for the little girl. There should be more blood.
Grissom: Yeah. It's a hole. We need to fill it. If we start from the inside and fan out whoever's left at the scene ...
Catherine: The first suspect.
Grissom: The teen daughter?
Catherine: Well, she'd need help. Maybe a boyfriend?
Grissom: (thoughtful) I wonder if they call him "buffalo."
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(Camera close up of BRENDA COLLINS drawing. She's using the black crayon and vigorously coloring.)
Sara: (o.s.) Look, brass, I don't see why I got to take her. I'm a scientist. Catherine's the mom. Ask her.
Brass: O'Riley was primary on this till it passed over to me. Big deal.
Sara: What about Family Services? Can't they take her?
Brass: They sent their caseworker over to the hospital so meet her there with the kid.
Sara: I am not good with kids.
Brass: Look, I'm not asking you to adopt her. Just take her over to sunrise for a Psych Eval, will you?
(BRASS turns and walks away.)
(SARA looks at BRENDA and walks over to her. She glances back at BRASS, then kneels and looks at what BRENDA'S coloring.)
Sara: That's very pretty.
(BRENDA grabs the pink crayon and starts scratching out the picture.)
Sara: Or not.
(BRENDA puts the crayon down.)
Sara: Want to go for another ride?
(Without saying anything, BRENDA pushes the paper and all the crayons off the table and onto the floor. She puts her hands flat against her ears.)
Sara: I'll take that as a "yes."
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(BRASS and GRISSOM interview TINA COLLINS.)
Brass: Tina, do you know what time you heard those noises?
Tina Collins: No, but they sounded like footsteps coming from the kitchen.
Brass: And that's when you hid in the closet?
Tina Collins: Yes.
Brass: Does your family normally keep the doors locked at night?
Tina Collins: I don't know. My dad checks the house at night. It's always been a safe neighborhood.
Grissom: Tina ... do you ... go out with anyone special?
Tina Collins: I hook up with different guys. No one special.
Grissom: Are any of them ... called "Buffalo"?
(TINA doesn't look at them. BRASS notices this immediately.)
Tina Collins: "Buffalo"? No.
(GRISSOM notices it also.)
Brass: How about this, Tina? You live in a house with six people, right? You must be used to hearing footsteps in the kitchen late at night. Why so scared last night?
Tina Collins: I know my brothers' footsteps. And my Dad's. These were different.
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS HOUSE -- DAY]
(NICK and WARRICK kneel down looking at the tire print in the dirt.)
Nick: How do you know it's fresh?
Warrick: I checked the sprinkler system. It goes off every night at zero-two hundred (0200).
Nick: (nods) And paramedics pronounced at oh-two-forty (0240).
(WARRICK starts mixing the plaster cast.)
Warrick: So somebody came out of the house and got on what looks to be a step down from a motorcycle and drove it across the lawn.
Nick: And I bet he dropped the bidi I found in the back on the way out.
Grissom: Bidi?
Nick: Yeah. Those hand-rolled cigarettes? Probably a teenager. They're always taking shortcuts.
Warrick: How's that hand?
Nick: Hmm?
Warrick: I saw you beating up the door a little while ago. You all right?
Nick: Yeah. It's cool. I'll see you back at the lab.
(NICK stands up and leaves. WARRICK takes the mixture and starts pouring it into the tire print.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(BRENDA COLLINS walks out into the hallway holding onto DR. LEEVER'S hand, a pink stuffed toy in her other arm.)
Sara: Hey, Brenda.
(DR. LEEVER and BRENDA meet up with SARA and the FAMILY SERVICES REP, CONNIE BELLVUE. They both stand up.)
Dr. Leever: Which one of you is with Family Services?
Connie Bellvue: I am. Connie Bellvue.
Dr. Leever: (to CONNIE BELLVUE) Brenda's fine but I'd like her to have a consult. I've paged the psychiatric resident. Should be here within the hour.
(DR. LEEVER completely ignores SARA. He turns and leaves. CONNIE BELLVUE steps up next to BRENDA and puts her hand on the little girl in a possessive manner.)
Connie Bellvue: (dismissing to SARA) Thanks. I'll take it from here.
Sara: What ... what's the head exam for?
(BRENDA starts playing with her hair. CONNIE BELLVUE doesn't answer SARA'S question.)
Connie Bellvue: I said ... we'll take it from here.
Sara: (insistent) Look, if there's any forensic evidence found during this exam, I need to be there.
Connie Bellvue: (quietly dismissing) It's already going to be tense.
(BRENDA quietly steps away from CONNIE BELLVUE and around to SARA'S other side, the side with her g*n. She grabs the back of SARA'S jacket, which is tied around her waist, and starts tugging it to get SARA'S attention.)
Connie Bellvue: (continuous) Go back to your crime lab. I'll keep you posted.
(SARA looks down at BRENDA, who is now looking up directly at SARA. Her choice unmistakable. SARA puts her arm around the little girl and nods.)
Sara: (soothing) It's okay, Brenda.
(Though still talking to BRENDA, SARA looks at CONNIE BELLVUE.)
Sara: (firmly) I'm not leaving you.
(Camera holds on BRENDA as she looks at CONNIE BELLVUE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLINS HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM -- DAY]
(Camera opens on the photographs tucked into the frame of the vanity mirror. Through its reflection, we see CATHERINE back inside the master bedroom with a clipboard in her hand.)
(Camera moves back to focus on a picture of BRENDA sitting at a soda pop counter and smiling for the camera.)
(Cut to: [HALLWAY -- DAY] CATHERINE starts mapping the blood spatter in the hallway. She puts down evidence marker #1 and takes a photograph of it.)
(Cut to: [DAY] She puts down evidence markers #3 and #2. She takes a photograph of evidence marker #2. She takes photos of evidence marker #3. She takes photos of evidence marker #4. She takes the photo and looks out at the hallway.)
(Cut to: [LATE DAY] CATHERINE is still in the hallway, crouching between evidence markers #2 and #3. Down the hallway near the bullseye are evidence markers #4 and #5. CATHERINE picks up her clipboard and works on the photos. She writes on the photo with evidence marker #5, "Spatter found opp ... ". CATHERINE looks out down the hallway.)
(Cut to: [EVENING] CATHERINE finishes mapping out the blood on a plastic architectural layout of the second floor.)
(Dissolve to: [NIGHT] CATHEIRNE sits on the floor in the door way to one of the bedrooms, looking out at the blood spatter in the hallway; the evidence markers are removed. She continues to work. The clock chimes. She looks around at the sound and checks her watch. She finally realizes how late it is.)
Catherine: (grimaces) Linds.
(CATHERINE puts her things aside and scrambles to her feet.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM is in the lab examining TINA'S clothes. He turns on the ALS and cuts the top lights off.)
(Off to the side, there's a thud ... and a curse.)
Warrick: Damn!
Grissom: (without looking up) That you, Warrick?
(WARRICK walks up to GRISSOM.)
Warrick: You need to tell somebody when you're cutting the lights.
Grissom: What, are you working for OSHA now?
Warrick: Grissom, you remember those tire treads ... I found on the front lawn?
Grissom: mm-hmm.
Warrick: Well, I ran them through the FBI register and they belong to a '93
Honda scooter.
Grissom: That's good.
Warrick: I DMV'd it. A kid four blocks away from the scene owns the same make.
Grissom: That's very good.
Warrick: I might have just blown open the case and all you give me is a "that's very good"?
(GRISSOM looks up at WARRICK, changing the subject completely.)
Grissom: If your whole family was m*rder, wouldn't you run to them to check to see if they were still alive?
Warrick: Yeah.
(GRISSOM goes back to examining the clothes. He doesn't find it and gives up.)
Grissom: This is a Lady Macbeth.
Warrick: Lady Macbeth?
(GRISSOM turns the lights back on.)
Grissom: "Out, out, damn spot." There's not a trace of blood on the teen daughter's clothing. Not a spot.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. WILLOWS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks into the house.)
Catherine: Linds? Lindsey?
(CATHERINE walks into the house looking for her daughter.)
Catherine: Lindsey ... Lindsey.
(CATHERINE walks into the family room and finds LINDSEY on the floor next to EDDIE, both listening to vinyl record albums.)
Catherine: Hi, honey!
Lindsey Willows: Mommy, hi!
(LINDSEY stands up and gives CATHERINE a hug.)
Catherine: Oh, am I glad to see you.
(EDDIE gets up and turns off the stereo.)
Lindsey: Daddy came to ballet tonight.
Catherine: I know. I was just there. Your teacher told me daddy came to pick you up. Oh, you feel so good.
(CATHERINE puts LINDSEY down and turns to look at EDDIE.)
Catherine: Ed ... I'm working this quadruple. Time got away from me. I apologize.
Eddie Willows: I figured that's probably what it was.
Catherine: Right.
Eddie Willows: When they couldn't reach you, they called me.
Catherine: Yeah. Thank you. I really, really ...
Eddie Willows: Cath, Cath, Cath ... she's my kid too, okay? All right?
Catherine: Yeah.
(EDDIE moves around CATHERINE and starts massaging her shoulders.)
Catherine: (sighs) Oh, god.
Eddie Willows: So, the case is bad? I saw it on the news.
Catherine: Yeah.
Eddie Willows: Hey.
(He stops, turns her around and looks at her.)
Catherine: What?
Eddie Willows: Are you hungry? I made pancakes.
Catherine: You made pancakes?
Eddie Willows: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: (chuckles) For dinner?
Eddie Willows: Yeah.
(CATHERINE'S pager beeps. She checks it.)
Catherine: That would be Grissom.
Eddie Willows: How is your boyfriend?
Catherine: (sighs, unamused) Ed.
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(The phone rings. GRISSOM answers it.)
Grissom: (to phone) Yeah. I need you back here right away. The Collins Case is busting out.
Catherine: Okay, I'll be right there. Just let me put on some clean clothes.
Grissom: Please do.
(GRISSOM hangs up.)
(CATHERINE turns to look at EDDIE, who leans against the door frame.)
Catherine: Eddie ...
Eddie Willows: She's going to ask where you are.
Catherine: (sighs) She always does.
(CATHERINE walks away.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway and promptly runs into CONRAD ECKLIE.)
Grissom: Mr. Ecklie.
Conrad Ecklie: I just got off the phone with the Sheriff. He wants results, Gil.
Grissom: He should go to a sports book. I hear the Stardust is good.
Conrad Ecklie: No. What he should do is go to his first team-- my team.
Grissom: Teams, Conrad? I didn't know this was a competition.
Conrad Ecklie: Well, it is, and my crew usually wins.
Grissom: Really? Didn't graveyard b*at day shift in softball last summer?
Conrad Ecklie: You know, you can joke all you want. It's your ass on the line.
(GRISSOM heads down the hallway and turns around to glance back at ECKLIE.)
Grissom: (rubbing it in) I think it was 14-3.
Conrad Ecklie: Like I said, it's all about results. And, if you don't get them I will.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK and BRASS interview OLIVER.)
Warrick: The tire treads from the scooter place you at the scene of the m*rder.
Oliver: Look, I was in Hoover visiting my father. I don't know anything about Tina's parents getting k*lled.
Warrick: Tina's parents? So you know Tina Collins?
Oliver: Yeah, I know her. A lot of guys know her. She's a freak.
Warrick: You mean sexually?
Oliver: Yeah.
Warrick: Where's your scooter now?
Oliver: I told him I don't know.
Brass: So it just disappeared?
Oliver: Look, it costs money, right? And my dad's been slacking on support so I bought it with three other guys. We share it.
Brass: Here's a pen. Start writing.
(BRASS puts the pen down on the table in front of OLIVER. OLIVER grabs the pen and pulls the paper toward him. He starts writing.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT]
(The door opens and SARA walks in to join the meeting.)
Sara: Hey, heard you have a suspect.
Warrick: We got about four just on the tire prints alone. Homicide's grabbing them up.
Grissom: Let's talk about what else we have. Tina Collins' pajama top from the m*rder scene without a drop of blood on it.
(SARA grabs a plate of food and takes a seat.)
Sara: Hello. How does she explain that?
Catherine: We're about to go ask her. Nick, what did you find out about that stuff that you collected at the back of the house?
Nick: The bidi? DNA's still processing but Tina said nobody in the family smoked.
Sara: So a non-family member was out there.
Grissom: Bidi? Bidi? I thought you found a cigarette and a match behind the house.
Nick: Well, it's just like a cigarette.
Sara: Kids smoke them. They think there's less carbon monoxide.
Grissom: What did you find out about the psych exam on the little girl?
Sara: The shrink says the kid is in a catatonic state from a trauma. I could've told you that. But she did respond to the name "Buffalo."
Grissom: Respond how?
Sara: She freaked out.
(CATHERINE stares at SARA and takes a deep breath.)
Grissom: And ... what are you doing about it now?
(SARA nods as she looks at GRISSOM.)
Sara: Going back to the girl.
(b*at)
Sara: I left her in the car.
(GRISSOM looks at her. CATHERINE can't believe what she's hearing.)
Sara: (deadpans) The windows are cracked.
(GRISSOM stares at SARA, absolutely no expression on his face. SARA breaks out into a smile and stands up.)
Sara: Give me a little credit. She's at the hospital.
(WARRICK snickers at the fast one SARA just pulled on GRISSOM and CATHERINE. NICK also smiles appreciatively.)
(GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE. CATHERINE stares, then pops a piece of something in her mouth to eat.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM re-question TINA COLLINS.)
Tina Collins: I don't know why I didn't get blood on my pajamas. I just didn't.
Catherine: But your statement says that you bent down and hugged your mother who was bleeding profusely. Then you ran out, tripping over your father's body in the upstairs hallway.
Grissom: But there was no blood on you.
Tina Collins: I saw my family d*ad. I was scared. I ran to the neighbors. That is the truth.
Grissom: The evidence is telling a different story.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK and BRASS question the scooter owners.)
Suburban Teen Guy #1: I did the nasty with her, yeah, but I didn't k*ll her family. Besides my dad grounded me last week.
CUT TO:
Suburban Teen Guy #2: I share the scooter with Oliver but I was camping last night. Ask my mom. She made me go. Church group.
CUT TO:
Jesse Overton: We had sex. So what? I want a lawyer.
Brass: You want a lawyer? Okay, we'll get you a lawyer. Investigator Stokes will stay with you just in case you remember where you left that scooter.
(BRASS glances at NICK, then leaves the room. JESSE OVERTON nervously sits there for a moment, then reaches into his shirt pocket for a bidi.)
Nick: There's no smoking in here.
Jesse Overton: Sharon Stone -- "Basic Instinct", dude.
Nick: And I'm not your dude. This ain't a movie and Sharon Stone's fine. Let's go.
(JESSE OVERTON tosses the pack at NICK. NICK takes it and looks at the box.)
Nick: Matches?
(He tosses the matches to NICK.)
(NICK opens the unmarked match pack and looks inside where there's noticeably two matches ripped out from the pack.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(BRASS walks over to GRISSOM'S office where GRISSOM still has TINA COLLINS sitting inside.)
Brass: The kid's name is Jesse Overton. He time-shares the scooter. He admits to having sex with your girl, and he's asking for a lawyer.
(TINA COLLINS starts to react to what she's hearing. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both notice her reactions.)
Brass: I want to get a warrant and search his house. I'll keep you posted.
(BRASS leaves the room.)
(TINA looks at GRISSOM.)
Tina Collins: I want to see my sister.
Grissom: It's not going to happen, Tina.
Catherine: It's a little too late to start coaching her now.
Tina Collins: You don't understand. I need to speak with her.
Grissom: She won't speak.
Catherine: The doctor says it's from trauma. What happened, Tina? Did you catch your boyfriend k*lling your family?
(TINA sits back, not responding to the accusation. She glances up at GRISSOM but remains quiet.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
[SCOPE VIEW: Matches]
(NICK attaches the match found at the scene to the match pack.)
Nick: (o.s.) Ha-ha-ha! Houston, we have liftoff.
Warrick: Let me take a look.
(NICK steps aside. WARRICK looks at the scope.)
Nick: You see how each half of the match lines up?
Warrick: I see.
Nick: Ah ... who broke the case?
Warrick: Well, if you believe what you hear in the halls - Ecklie.
Nick: Ecklie?
Both (Nick/Warrick): (laughs) Day shift.
CUT TO:
[INT. JESSE OVERTON'S RESIDENCE - GARAGE -- DAY]
Brass: Sophisticated criminal, huh?
(BRASS lifts up and opens the trash can. Inside are the scooter parts.)
Grissom: Hmm?
Brass: This is the getaway vehicle. Tossing it in his own trash? What else is new?
(GRISSOM picks up the tire. BRASS looks inside the trash can and finds something else.)
Brass: Whoa. Is this a pair of jeans under all that blood?
Grissom: (sighs) "Yet who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?"
[Note: Quote said by Lady Macbeth, from "Macbeth", Act 5, Scene 1, 1.36-8, William Shakespeare.]
Brass: What was that?
Grissom: That's Shakespeare.
(BRASS nods and hands the bloodied jeans to GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and BRASS watch as the LIE DETECTOR OPERATOR hooks up JESSE OVERTON to the machine.)
Grissom: The lawyer's pleading him guilty.
Brass: Had to, once I put the m*rder w*apon in his mug.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(JESSE OVERTON answers questions while hooked up to the machine.)
Lie Detector Operator: Remember -- yes or no.
Jesse Overton: Got it.
Lie Detector Operator: Did Tina Collins approach you at school and ask you to k*ll her family?
Jesse Overton: Yes.
Lie Detector Operator: (o.s.) Would you lie about that to escape the death penalty?
Jesse Overton: No.
Lie Detector Operator: Did you k*ll her family?
Jesse Overton: Yes.
Lie Detector Operator: Did Tina let you in the front door the night of the killings?
Jesse Overton: Two o'clock. I waited till it was straight up.
(Quick flashback to: At the back door, JESSE OVERTON lights up a bidi with a match.)
Lie Detector Operator: (V.O.) Yes or no?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Jesse Overton: Sorry. (b*at) Yes.
(Quick flashback to: JESSE OVERTON selects a Kn*fe and takes the biggest one in the drawer.)
Lie Detector Operator: (V.O.) Did she already have a Kn*fe for you?
Jesse Overton: (V.O.) No. She let me choose.
(He gets a grip on the Kn*fe and heads up the stairs.)
Lie Detector Operator: (V.O.) Did you use that Kn*fe to k*ll Barbara Collins?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Jesse Overton: (takes a deep breath) Yes.
(Quick flashback to: JESSE OVERTON puts a gloved hand over BARBARA COLLINS' mouth. She wakes up, eyes wide. The bed spot next to her is empty.)
(He s*ab her. She dies. He lets go of her.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lie Detector Operator: And Mr. Collins?
Jesse Overton: (harder) Yes.
(Quick flashback to: JESSE OVERTON att*cks MR. COLLINS from behind in the hallway. He s*ab him. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lie Detector Operator: And both sons?
Jesse Overton: Yes.
Lie Detector Operator: Was Tina mad at her parents for not letting you see each other?
Jesse Overton: Yes.
Lie Detector Operator: Did Tina Collins tell you she wanted them d*ad so you could see each other?
(JESSE pauses and looks away.)
Jesse Overton: Yes.
(Camera cuts to the print out that shows the lines all over the place.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(BRASS walks out into the hallway carrying the print out.)
Brass: Well, the sick bastard is on the up and up. (to CATHERINE) Except your last question. Your "Why"?
Catherine: That they k*lled the family so they could be together?
Brass: Operator says his respiratory reactions were inconsistent. He's lying.
Nick: We got them both. I don't much care why they did it.
Warrick: I'm with you there.
Grissom: I care. I don't like holes. What are they hiding?
FADE TO BLACK
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CORONER'S OFFICE - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room.)
Grissom: Did you collect the property from the Collins family?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Right after the autopsies. Sealed them myself. Why?
Grissom: I told one of your assistants to make sure that I got them.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, I gave them to Ecklie. He said he'd deliver them to you.
(GRISSOM turns and leaves the room without another word. DR. ROBBINS finishes putting the body back in storage.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: He was down here on another case.
(He closes the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks angrily through the hallway looking for ... )
Grissom: (mad as heck) Ecklie!
(GRISSOM pushes the doors to the break room open.)
Grissom: I want everything right now.
Conrad Ecklie: (flippantly) I've been going over it.
Grissom: The Collins case is my shift. You are completely off base.
Conrad Ecklie: What, you're afraid I'll find something that might show you up?
Grissom: Oh, I'm sure, if you could, you would have by now. Where is it?
(ECKLIE motions with his hand. GRISSOM heads out the door. ECKLIE stops him.)
Conrad Ecklie: I don't care that you got some pimply-faced kid to confess. You kept the Sheriff out of the loop. That's a career-k*ller, Gil.
Grissom: That's what so sad, Conrad. You think of this as a career.
(GRISSOM leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB - DAY]
(Piece by piece, GRISSOM goes through the evidence taken off the bodies. He compares them with the crime scene photos.)
(He reaches for the next envelope and empties it on the table. Inside the baggie is a bloodied amulet on a chain. He cleans it up and finds ... )
Grissom: (whispers) The buffalo.
(Cut to: GRISSOM is on his cell phone.)
Grissom: (to phone) Sara?
Sara: (from phone) Yeah?
Grissom: (to phone) Sara. When they examined the little Collins girl did they check for sexual abuse?
Sara: (from phone) There were no overt signs. Why?
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - EXAM ROOM - DAY]
Grissom: (V.O.) Have some ultraviolet photographs taken.
(SARA lifts up BRENDA COLLINS onto the table. She shows BRENDA the camera.)
Sara: This... is a very special camera. It can see deep into your skin. It can see things nobody can see. How about I take a picture of me first, okay?
(BRENDA nods her head. SARA lifts the camera and takes a picture of her own arm. The camera clicks. SARA looks at BRENDA and smiles.)
Sara: See? It's okay.
(BRENDA nods her head. SARA unties BRENDA'S gown and slips it just below her shoulders. BRENDA doesn't say a word.)
Sara: (quietly) Okay.
(SARA attaches a ruler to the top of the gown just below her shoulders. SARA picks up the camera and checks with BRENDA again.)
Sara: All ready?
(BRENDA nods.)
Sara: Okay.
(SARA lifts the camera and takes the pictures.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(In the garage, CATHERINE speaks into a tape recorder as she takes her notes. She looks at a schematic of the crime scene, #XR-0048-096822-003.)
(As she speaks, the camera follows on the map. It starts with the figure of the father in the hallway in front of BRENDA'S bedroom door ... )
Catherine: Notes on mapping: Collins family m*rder. Case #00-398. Intruder k*lled mother.
(... then moves to the photo of the mother in the bedroom, Case #00-398, Photo
#17.)
Catherine: Father went to protect the little girl. Got nicked by Kn*fe.
(Camera moves from the boy's room on the map to the photo, Case #00-398, Photo
#47.)
Catherine: k*ller subdued him as dad was entering the little girl's room to ...
Catherine: ... save her.
(Something doesn't click. It doesn't match the photos she's looking at. She looks at the photo of the blood drops found on floor, Case #00-398, Photo #36.)
(From this photo, she looks at another photo, #30. And another photo, #18.)
(CATHERINE doesn't like what she's seeing. She reaches for the magnifying glass to look again at Photo #18.)
(Quick flashback to: Cast in red light, MR. COLLINS steps out of the bedroom and is att*cked from behind. MR. COLLINS falls to the floor in front of BRENDA'S bedroom door. JESSE OVERTON s*ab MR. COLLINS repeatedly.)
(White flash to: JESSE carries the dripping Kn*fe down the hallway.)
(End of flashback. Resume to PHOTO #18.)
Catherine: Grissom.
(CATHERINE drops the magnifying glass and reaches for her cell phone.)
(There's a light knock on the door. CATHERINE looks up. A man carrying a file package walks in.)
Ted Goggle: Catherine Willows?
Catherine: Who's asking?
Ted Goggle: Ted Goggle. I'm with Family Services. Were you working the Collins' case?
Catherine: (sighs) You know, your department can't seem to get things straight. If you're looking for the little girl, she's already got a caseworker.
Ted Goggle: Actually, I'm inquiring about your little girl.
Catherine: My Lindsey? Why? What are you talking about?
Ted Goggle: Your husband, Eddie, filed a report. Says you neglected to pick her up after dance class last night. That you routinely neglect her for your job.
Catherine: (sighs) Is this Eddie's idea of a joke? What, are you in one of his bands?
Ted Goggle: I already made a field visit to your house. Here's the form.
(He hands her the form. She looks at it.)
Ted Goggle: Lindsey seems okay but there is going to be an investigation as to whether there was parental neglect. You're on notice.
(He leaves the garage.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - OUTSIDE X-RAY ROOM -- DAY]
(Standing outside the X-Ray room, GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Grissom: Grissom.
INTERCUT WITH:
Catherine: It's me. Something's off on the map.
Grissom: (from phone) Off? How?
Catherine: Uh ... I'm looking at dad's blood in the hall. I found an interesting drop. The droplet tells me that he wasn't running to the little girl's room.
Grissom: He was coming out of it?
Catherine: Yeah.
(Quick flashback to: MR. COLLINS coming out of BRENDA'S bedroom when he's being att*cked.)
Catherine: (V.O.) I filled one of your holes, Grissom.
(JESSE gets up from over MR. COLLINS.)
Catherine: (V.O.) The father was k*lled first -- then the mother.
(JESSE carries the dripping Kn*fe down the hallway.)
Catherine: (V.O.) And the blood that we found in the hallway was from the Kn*fe.
(End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM.)
(CATHERINE shuts her phone off and throws it on the table in front of her. She picks up the Family Services form and looks at it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BLACK ROOM -- DAY]
(SARA develops the photos. She flips it over and hangs it up. She and GRISSOM both look at the pictures.)
Sara: Damn it. Look at all those bruises.
Grissom: Somebody was all over this kid.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and BRASS re-interviews TINA COLLINS.)
(Camera opens on the photos on the table in front of TINA.)
Grissom: We have forensic evidence that your father sexually abused your sister.
(TINA reaches out a hand and touches the photos in front of her.)
Grissom: We also know ... that he was in her room the night of the m*rder.
Tina Collins: How can you tell?
Grissom: Blood drops. They fall a certain way depending on the motion of the victim.
(TINA takes a deep breath, her eyes glued to the photos on the table.)
Grissom: Something horrible happened in that house, didn't it, Tina? Long before the night of the m*rder.
Tina Collins: That was the last night he was going to touch her.
Grissom: But why your mother? And why your brothers?
Tina Collins: (crying) Because they should have protected me.
Grissom: You?
Tina Collins: My father ...
(Quick flashback to: A YOUNG TINA COLLINS sitting on her bed. She looks up at her mother standing in the doorway to "TINA'S" room. She leaves and shuts the door.)
(In the mirror, we see her father in the room alone with TINA.)
(White flash to: The buffalo medallion on a chain around his neck.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Tina Collins: I was young. I learned to deal. But when he went for my daughter ...
Grissom: (realizing) Brenda is ... ? And who is ... ?
Tina Collins: The father? I was thirteen ... and nobody noticed that my clothes were getting bigger. Nice, huh? Brenda may hate me for what I did ... but I protected her. I did that much.
CUT TO:
(SARA and BRENDA sit in the chairs in the hospital hallway. BRENDA clutches her pink stuffed bear to her.)
(After a moment, SARA reaches over, picks up BRENDA'S hand and holds it. BRENDA looks up at SARA. She gives her a small smile, then turns and looks back blankly out in front of her.)
(SARA continues to watch BRENDA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE closes her locker and leaves.))
Catherine: Night, guys.
Nick: (o.s.) See you, Cath.
Grissom: Good work.
(GRISSOM grabs his book and heads out. He passes NICK, who is sitting on the locker bench with an ice pack on his knuckles.)
Grissom: It'll be back to normal in 24 hours.
Nick: Normal would be nice.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway and glances inside the break room. He sees something, opens the door and walks in.)
[BREAK ROOM]
(GRISSOM picks up a red apple from the basket on the desk. He takes a bite and glances down at the table. He stops.)
(He leans forward, picks up the pencil on top of the folded newspaper and fills out an answer in the crossword puzzle. He puts the pencil down to leave the room.)
(He takes a bite of the apple and turns back around to glance at the newspaper. He gives up, takes out his glasses and puts them on. He sits down to finish the crossword puzzle.)
(In the hallway, WARRICK walks by and glances up. He smile when he sees GRISSOM working on the crossword puzzle.)
(Camera holds on GRISSOM working on the crossword puzzle.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x07 - Blood Drops"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT]
(Camera close up of a tumbler. Someone drops three ice cubes and pours the rest of the vodka from the bottle into the glass.)
(He picks up the glass and walks around the room. He sits on the bed and drinks from his glass.)
(He stands up and walks into the bathroom to stand in front of the foggy mirror. He uses the back of his hand to wipe it clear. He stares at himself and sighs.)
(He turns around.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM turns the corner to the hotel hallway and makes his way to the officer who stands just outside the hotel room door. The OFFICER signals GRISSOM inside the room.)
[HOTEL ROOM -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks into the room. BRASS is inside with two other OFFICERS. He looks at GRISSOM.)
Brass: Oh ... you're going to love this.
(BRASS pulls out a cloth from his pocket to open the bathroom door. They look inside.)
[BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS]
(At the far end of the bathroom, is a tub ... with the d*ad body inside.)
Brass: Ring any bells? Rub-a-dub-dub, d*ad man in a tub.
(BRASS and GRISSOM step into the bathroom. GRISSOM puts his kit down near the door.)
Brass: Sleeping bag for easy cleanup. Open window so the stench alerts the neighbors.
(GRISSOM looks around.)
Grissom: It's Royce Harmon all over again.
(Quick flashes of: A sh*t of the chest b*llet wound. Flash to: The revolver in the man's left hand.)
Grissom: What do you think? "su1c1de" note in the same place?
(GRISSOM steps forward.)
Brass: You tell me, Karnak.
(GRISSOM cautiously look, reaches out and finds the tape recorder clutched in the body's right hand. He takes it and looks at it.)
Brass: Now, that's weird.
Grissom: Not weird. Intentional.
(GRISSOM presses play.)
Recorded Voice: (from tape) ... narl loop sair momoph reet reet seer pute narfenging ...
(GRISSOM shuts it off.)
Brass: What kind of language is that? Swedish?
Grissom: It's backward.
(GRISSOM thinks about it for a moment, then turns around to look at BRASS.)
Grissom: Would you excuse me a minute?
Brass: (nods) Sure. Okay.
(BRASS steps out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him.)
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS shuts the door.)
Officer Arvington: He okay in there?
Brass: Quincy wants to be alone. We had a case like this three months ago -- a guy found d*ad in his bathtub. Turned out the su1c1de was staged. Found a mini-recorder as a su1c1de note.
(BRASS turns to look at the closed bathroom doors.)
Brass: k*ller may have struck again.
Officer Arvington: Why does he want to be alone?
(BRASS looks at OFFICER ARVINGTON.)
Brass: He wants to get his mojo working.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM turns the tape recorder on and plays it backward, then flips the switch to play it forward.)
Recorded Voice: Man on mini-recorder: My name is Stuart Rampler. I reside at
818 Noeing Hill Court, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 43 years of age, and I'm going to k*ll myself. I just can't do it anymore. I love you, mom.
(He shuts the recorder off and stands there a moment. He turns to look at his reflection in the mirror.)
Grissom: You're back.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the hallway reading the assignment sheets in one hand; the bagged tape recorder in the other. He looks up and sees SHIBLEY walking toward him.)
Grissom: Shibley, take this recorder to the print lab.
(GRISSOM hands the tape recorder to SHIBLEY, then continues down the hallway.)
Grissom: Have Manny dust it and run prints on it right away.
(SHIBLEY gives GRISSOM a large envelope.)
Shibley: Photos from tonight's su1c1de. Put a "rush" on them for you.
Grissom: Photos. Thank you.
(GRISSOM walks down the hallway and stops when he hears what sounds like a football game whistle coming from the break room. He looks inside.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- BREAK ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK and NICK play a video football game.)
Nick: Oh! Warrick: Throw the flag, ref! NICK: Uncatchable, bro.
(GRISSOM walks into the break room.)
Grissom: (irritated) Hey! You guys want an assignment slip or a pink slip?
(WARRICK stands up; NICK shuts the game off and also stands up.)
Warrick: Just taking a little coffee break.
Nick: Is it true?
Warrick: Same guy?
Grissom: (calmer) I don't know. We'll see. Here. 410. Reckless driver out at Hoover Dam. Car went over a cliff. Anonymous caller. Could be foul play.
(GRISSOM gives WARRICK the assignment sheet.)
Warrick: Oh, me and him, working together? Oh, it's on.
Nick: You're going down, bro.
(WARRICK hands the sheet to NICK. The two gearing up for the challenge ahead.)
Grissom: (irritated) Hey! Work together tonight. All right?
(WARRICK nods demurely. GRISSOM leaves the room. Once his back is turned, NICK and WARRICK look at each other and smile ... gearing up for the challenge ahead.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the office.)
Grissom: Okay, we're going off the board tonight.
Sara: Off the board?
Catherine: "The ones that got away." Fish.
Sara: Ah. I missed that one.
(GRISSOM stands in front of the large fish-shaped corkboard and takes down some photographs.)
Grissom: First victim, Royce Harmon. About three months ago, Brass and I found this guy d*ad in his own bathtub, but his "su1c1de" was staged. I think the k*ller has k*lled again.
(He hands the photos to SARA.)
Grissom: Photos of tonight's victim: Stuart Rampler. Play the "pick six things that are different" game. Bet you lose.
(CATHERINE looks at the photos.)
Sara: This guy's good.
Catherine: Not good. Exceptional. Print examiner lifted a thumbprint off the mini-recorder near the tub of our first victim. The print came back this.
(CATHERINE looks around GRISSOM'S office and finds the fake hand. She shows it to SARA.)
Grissom: The k*ller purchased one of these rubber hands laced the fingertips with cooking spray and proceeded to place false prints all around the crime scene.
Sara: This guy is good. Whose prints are these?
Grissom: Some guy who works in a warehouse making Halloween paraphernalia. Scary masks, air-brushed tombstones, rubber hands. Turns out he used his own hand for the mold.
Catherine: So what do we do?
Grissom: We split up. You and I go to the coroner. Sara, you go to the hotel. Dust every inch of that bathroom. Here. Use this --
(GRISSOM reaches for a container on the shelf. He gives it to SARA.)
Grissom: "Red Creeper." My own concoction.
Sara: (impressed) Wow.
Grissom: Well, serious case, serious print powder. Be thorough. Don't take anything for granted.
Sara: Yes, sir.
(SARA leaves the office.)
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM also leave the office.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOOVER DAM - CRASH SITE - NIGHT]
(NICK and WARRICK enter the crash site. Emergency crew work on the car.)
Warrick: Everyone still breathing in that car?
Paramedic: So far.
Nick: Call came in blind. You see who could have made it?
Paramedic: No. We were first on the scene. f*re department came in two minutes behind. Place was d*ad quiet.
(The f*re department crew cut the top off of the car. They start working on the unconscious man in the back seat of the car.)
Warrick: Where's the driver? He get thrown?
Officer: Didn't find anybody.
(NICK and WARRICK look up above where the car fell.)
Nick: I'm thinking DUI.
Warrick: You calling it?
(NICK looks around on the ground and finds something.)
Nick: I'm calling that beer bottle.
(NICK uses a pen and picks it up to look at it.)
Warrick: How you know it's from the car?
Nick: It's still cold. Foam in the bottle. Take it up top?
Warrick: After you ...
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR. ROBBINS pulls the body out of storage. He goes over the body with GRISSOM and CATHERINE.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I've read Klausbach's report on Royce Harmon the first staged su1c1de.
Grissom: Similarities?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, based on the entry wound, they were both m*rder. But here's where it gets fun.
(DR. ROBBINS shows them the wound on the back of STUART RAMPLER'S left hand.)
Catherine: That looks like he was sh*t trying to protect himself.
Grissom: What else, Doc? My mind is painting.
Dr. Albert Robbins: He was paid a little visit from Mr. Muzzle stamp.
(DR. ROBBINS shows them the bruise on the temple.)
(Quick flashback to: The g*n is against STUART RAMPLER'S temple. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Forced into the tub at g*n?
Grissom: Okay. Let's play it out.
(GRISSOM turns around. The clock behind GRISSOM reads 4:35pm.)
Grissom: The k*ller's got him at g*n, right? Standing over him like this.
(Quick flashback to: STUART RAMPLER puts his hand up to block the g*n.)
Stuart Rampler: No!!
(Quick CGI that follows the b*llet as it pierces through flesh. End of CGI. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: But this time, things got messy. Royce Harmon didn't fight back. That's why there was no muzzle bruising to his temple.
Catherine: Stuart Rampler was resistant. He didn't want to get into that tub too easily. He took a few jabs to the temple.
Grissom: But the k*ller just lost round one. We know how he gets his vics into the tub and we know that both deaths were homicides.
Catherine: Not a bad start.
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOOVER DAM OVERLOOK - TOP -- DAWN]
(WARRICK stands at the top of the overlook near the broken railing. NICK measures the tire marks on the road.)
Nick: The skid start way up the road. I got him doing at least 70.
Warrick: More like 80.
Nick: These grooves are from the car's frame. It balanced before it fell.
(NICK looks a the shoe prints in the dirt.)
Nick: This is where he bailed. Wide spacing, slipping of the heel. He ran.
(WARRICK takes a photo.)
Warrick: Who?
Nick: The phantom driver.
(Quick flashback to: [NICK'S VERSION] Inside the moving car.)
Walter Banglor: Hey, hand me another beer.
Phantom Driver: No, you've had enough.
(The car heads straight for the truck. Its horn blares. The car swerves.)
Phantom Driver: Hey, hey...!
(Tires squeal. The car crashes through the railing and teeters on the edge of the embankment, its engine still running. The PHANTOM DRIVER bails. The Drunk Backseat Passenger, WALTER BANGLOR, stays in the car as it topples over and off the cliff.)
(The PHANTOM DRIVER runs away. WALTER BANGLOR screams as the car falls down the ravine.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: So your drunk driver just got out and ran away?
(NICK looks at WARRICK and nods.)
Warrick: Where to?
Nick: I don't know. That's why we're up here. But he left his buddy hanging out to dry. I can tell you that.
(WARRICK points to the tire marks on the roadway behind NICK.)
Warrick: Then how do you explain car number two?
Nick: Driver ran to this point, car picks him up. Here are your tracks ... probably took him to the hospital.
Warrick: Not if we have these.
(WARRICK looks down at the tracks in the dirt.)
Warrick: They're kind of out of place. A walking stride up to the edge.
(WARRICK takes a couple of photos.)
Warrick: No. This is a crime, not an accident.
Nick: You care to back that statement up? My phantom driver against your criminal?
Warrick: How much?
Nick: Fifty.
Warrick: I don't get out of bed for less than a bill.
(NICK laughs and they shake on it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM -- DAY]
(SARA walks into the hotel room bathroom carrying her kit. She meets up with DET. B. EVANS.)
Sara: Hey, Evans.
Det. Evans: Hi.
(SARA puts her kit and things down.)
Det. Evans: Victim's name is Stuart Rampler. Lives in town reserved a room for one night because his house was being fumigated.
Sara: Hmm. Find anything unusual?
Det. Evans: I bagged a couple of utility bills.
(He moves to the side and picks up a bag of bills and shows it to SARA.)
Det. Evans: Ready for mail. It's almost as if he wanted to take care of some unfinished business before he checked out.
(SARA takes the mail out of the bag and goes through the bills.)
Sara: Well, it's not likely. His su1c1de was staged.
(She notices something.)
Det. Evans: It's an upside-down stamp. What does that mean?
Sara: I don't know.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL MONACO - BATHROOM - DAY]
(SARA uses the Red Creeper on the bathroom pipes.
Sara: (impressed) Wow. This stuff rocks. I love bathrooms. Last time I printed a hotel bathroom, I had over 1,000 prints.
(SARA continues to dust the tub. She finishes.)
Sara: Okay ... close the doors and h*t the lights, daddy-O.
(EVANS closes the bathroom doors and turns the lights off. SARA uses her ALS and can't believe her findings.)
Sara: Not a single print.
Det. Evans: He wiped it clean.
Sara: Yeah. This guy's a real pro. Not only did he wipe it clean -- it's sterile.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. PAIGE HARMON'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview PAIGE HARMON.)
Paige Harmon: I thought you were going to tell me that you caught him.
Grissom: Mrs. Harmon, we believe that the person who did this to your son may have done it to someone else and we need your help.
Paige Harmon: Well, what can I do?
Catherine: We talked to the second victim's girlfriend -- played his su1c1de recording for her. She confirmed that it was his voice.
Paige Harmon: But I already told you that the voice on that tape was not my son's.
Catherine: I know. We just need to be absolutely certain. Do you have a recording of your son's voice so that we could tie the killings together?
Grissom: Anything, Mrs. Harmon -- a home movie? A recorded message off your answering machine?
Paige Harmon: All I have are pictures.
(She remembers something.)
Paige Harmon: I may have something.
(She stands up and picks up a picture frame.)
Paige Harmon: Royce gave this to me for mother's day last year. (GRISSOM stands up.) It's a talking frame. It's all I have left.
Royce Harmon: Hey, mom, it's Royce. I know you're always complaining you don't hear my voice in the house anymore. Well, now you can listen to it anytime you want. I love you, mom.
Paige Harmon: (softly): I love you, too.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(WARRICK and NICK walk with DR. LEEVER down the hospital hallway.)
Nick: Mr. Backseat going to make it?
Dr. Leever: Name's Walter Banglor. He'll live.
Nick: He well enough to talk?
Dr. Leever: Subdural hematoma, compound rib fractures ...
Nick: All right, all right, I get the picture. How long until we can see him?
Dr. Leever: I didn't say you couldn't see him.
(DR. LEEVER turns and leads NICK and WARRICK into the hospital room.)
[HOSPITAL ROOM]
(He pushes the curtain aside.)
Dr. Leever: He's sedated. If you want to talk to him you're going to have to wait until he comes off his meds in about 12 to 24 hours.
(NICK sighs. WARRICK looks at WALTER BANGLOR.)
Warrick: Tan lines, no watch and no ring.
Nick: Check his personal effects.
(WARRICK picks up the envelope and checks its contents. He spills it out onto the table. A wallet falls out.)
Nick: That's it?
Warrick: Must have been one hell of a fall to knock his watch and his ring off ...
(WARRICK shows NICK the empty wallet.)
Warrick: ... and take his money.
(NICK thinks about it.)
Warrick: So what do you say? Do you want to up the stakes another hundred?
(DR. LEEVER looks over at NICK.)
Nick: To what, a deuce?
Warrick: (shrugs) Say my foul play against your phantom driver?
Nick: You bet.
(They seal the deal with a hand "shake". DR. LEEVER watches and shakes his head, a half-smile on his face.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- MORNING]
(SARA tests the "upside-down" stamp.)
Greg Sanders: Okay ... I've got Stuart Rampler's DNA profile ready. All I need is something to compare it to.
Sara: Coming right up. Let's see if we can find out who this Licker is.
(SARA hands the sample vial to GREG. He puts it in the machine and switches it on.)
(Short time cut later: The results print out. GREG looks at it.)
Sara: What do you got?
Greg Sanders: Well, according to the DNA Stuart Rampler licked the right-side-up stamps.
Sara: What about the envelope with the upside-down stamp?
Greg Sanders: Well, it came back unknown.
Sara: (thoughtful) He's toying with us.
Greg Sanders: Who?
Sara: Anonymous.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- MORNING]
(WARRICK walks into the garage to find NICK fuming the entire car.)
Warrick: Supergluing the entire car? It's a little excessive, don't you think?
Nick: Hey, man, this is w*r.
Warrick: (chuckling) You know, I checked with six different medical centers, and no phantom driver at any of them.
Nick: (waves it away) Minor setback. How about the 911 call?
Warrick: Las Vegas cell phone. PD's putting a name to it.
Nick: Good.
Warrick: What's all this?
Nick: Car was rented from the airport three days ago.
Warrick: To ... ?
Nick: Walter Banglor. I figure Vegas vacation; side trip to Hoover Dam.
Warrick: Makes sense.
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Warrick: You find his watch and ring?
Nick: (grudgingly admits) No.
Warrick: (laughing) my pockets are getting fat!
Nick: No, he travels light. There was only a change of clothes in the damn suitcase.
Warrick: God, you see all that money in there?
Nick: All right, the fumes have settled. Give me a hand.
Warrick: Yeah.
(They lift the plastic sheet off of the car. NICK sees the prints on the wheel.)
Nick: You can run ... but you can't hide.
(Camera cuts to the prints on the dashboard.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.)
Catherine: "Disco Placid" -- what's that?
Grissom: He's a jazz producer. Specializes in audio. Does voice comparisons for me from time to time. He hears in perfect pitch.
Catherine: Really?
Grissom: He's gifted.
CUT TO:
[INT. BASEMENT - AUDIO ROOM -- DAY]
(DISCO PLACID sits behind his equipment listing to the music on the ear phones and timing it with the watch in his hand. Song overhead is "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone", by Bill Whithers.)
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk up to the doorway behind him.)
Disco Placid: (sings along) Yeah, better leave young thing alone / but ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
(He sees them and smiles. He takes off his earphones.)
Grissom: I'm sorry to hear that.
Disco Placid: Oh, that's Bill Withers, man. The man cuts me up inside.
Grissom: Catherine Willows, Disco Placid.
Catherine: A pleasure.
Disco Placid: A pleasure.
Lyric: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...
Grissom: How are we coming with our voice comparisons?
Disco Placid: Got it right here. All I got to do is, uh, heat this thing up. It's a mini-cassette recording of the first victim.
Royce Harmon: (on tape) I'm going to k*ll myself.
Disco Placid: Comparing the "I love you's..."
Royce Harmon: (on tape) I just can't do it anymore. I love you, mom.
Disco Placid: Now the talking frame.
Royce Harmon: (on tape) Now you can listen to it anytime you want. I love you, mom.
Disco Placid: Minnesota Twins.
Catherine: The mother was wrong. That is her son's voice.
Disco Placid: I laid in both su1c1de notes in the computer, stripped the tracks one by one. Picked this up in the b-ground.
(He plays the tape for them.)
Royce Harmon: (on tape) My name is Royce Harmon. I reside at 7642 carpenter street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age.
Grissom: What is that?
Disco Placid: I don't know, man. It sound like a flag or a tarp or something. Give me a sec. I'll give it to you in a chinese to-go box.
Catherine: Play the second victim's tape.
Disco Placid: Okay.
Stuart Rampler: (on tape) My name is Stuart Rampler. I reside at 818 Boeing Hill Court, Las Vegas ...
(He turns the tape off. Behind them, GRISSOM pulls out a sheet of paper and waves it making the same sound as the one on the tape recordings.)
Catherine: No. Play it through.
Stuart Rampler: ... Nevada. I am 43 years of age, and I'm going to k*ll myself.
Grissom: Play them side by side.
Both Recordings: My name is Royce Harmon / Stuart Rampler / I reside at 818
Boeing Hill / 7642 Carpenter Street. Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41/43 years of age.
Grissom: It's "fill in the blanks."
Catherine: He's just reading from a su1c1de script.
(Again, GRISSOM waves the sheet of paper around.)
Catherine: What do you think?
Disco Placid: (smiles) Disco.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- MORNING]
(NICK and WARRICK walk into the print lab. MANDY doesn't look up from the scope.)
Mandy: So I've got some good news and mysterious news.
Nick: Give me the good news.
Mandy: Well, your results are back from the prints on the car. And your vic, Walter Banglor, is top of the list.
Nick: It's a big list.
Mandy: You fumed the entire car. What did you expect?
Warrick: What's the mysterious news?
Mandy: I found some speckles of blue dust in the ridges of Banglor's print. Here. Look it.
(She steps aside from the scope. WARRICK looks at it.)
Nick: Let me see.
(WARRICK moves aside and NICK looks at the scope.)
Warrick: What do you think?
Nick: I have no idea.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(SARA fills GRISSOM and CATHERINE in on what she's found.)
Sara: I did some comparative digging on both victims -- Royce Harmon and Stuart Rampler. Both are white males in their 40s, single and ... both have the same birthday.
Grissom: Royce Harmon, born August 17, 1958. Stuart Rampler, born August 17, 1957. One year apart.
Catherine: Okay, so maybe it's some reverse or backwards pattern. August 17, 1958 ... 1957. The su1c1de message was recorded backwards; the postage stamp was upside-down ...
Sara: Yeah.
Grissom: Maybe he's telling us, in order to go forward, go back. Sara, go back one more year -- August 17, 1956. See if anything pops up with the same M.O.
Sara: I'm gone.
(SARA leaves the office. MANDY appears in the doorway.)
Mandy: Mr. Grissom, the prints are back from Stuart Rampler's mini-recorder.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the lab where MANDY sits in front of the computer.)
Grissom: Can we see the print?
Mandy: Not print-- prints.
Catherine: What do you mean? It's more than one person?
Mandy: It's two thumbprints overlapped.
Grissom: Can you separate them?
Mandy: Yeah. Running both prints through AFIS.
(The first print comes back "UNKNOWN". The second print comes back
"COMPLIANCE".)
Mandy: How can that be?
(MANDY works on the keyboard and stands up to look at the printout.)
Catherine: "Compliance"?
Grissom: Someone within the department?
(MANDY looks at the results, then glances at CATHERINE. She looks at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: What?
Mandy: Uh, Catherine, can you excuse us for a moment? I need to speak with Mr. Grissom in private.
(CATHERINE glances at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Anything you have to say to me you can say to her.
Mandy: Well, the top print came back Paul Millander.
Grissom: I expected that. He's the guy who makes the rubber hands. I've already cleared him. What about the compliance -- the bottom print?
Mandy: It came back you.
Catherine: It's Grissom's print?
(MANDY nods.)
Catherine: Wait a minute. Somebody got ahold of your prints.
Grissom: How? I wear gloves at every crime scene. I was printed for the job. We all were.
Catherine: Well, somebody's obviously making this personal. They could've got your print from a glass that you touched at a restaurant. From a latex glove that you discarded and they turned inside out ...
(CATHERINE sighs.)
Catherine: Oh, god ...
(GRISSOM thinks about it and something occurs to him. He looks at the monitor, the one print over the other.)
Grissom: I get it. Whoever it is is telling me that he's got me under his thumb.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK is in the break room reading something. WARRICK walks in.)
Warrick: So ... who's your phantom driver?
Nick: Possibly a cop from Philly. Or a ... a nurse from Omaha. Don't forget the mail carrier from Nashville. (NICK laughs as he looks at the list of names.)
Warrick: Man, it's a rental. Those prints are probably older than you are.
Nick: Well, this is going nowhere.
Warrick: You giving up?
Nick: No, no, no, no. We're still on. I may be stalled, but I'm not out.
Warrick: You want to take it to three?
Nick: You want to take it to three?
(They agree and seal the deal by knocking knuckles.)
Nick: You still think he was robbed?
Warrick: Tan lines where his ring and watch used to be. On vacation in Vegas, but no money in his wallet. His face all bruised up before he took that cliffside tumble. Damn right, I think he was robbed.
(Quick flashback to: [WARRICK'S VERSION] A man runs out into the street to flag down the moving car.
Motorist: Hey!
(Inside the car, WALTER BANGLOR puts the bottle down to brake.)
Motorist: Hey!
(The car swerves and crashes through the railing and stops halfway over the edge of the hill. WALTER BANGLOR leans back in his seat.)
(The front door opens and the MOTORIST
Motorist: You all right, man?
Walter Banglor: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
(The MOTORIST pulls a g*n on WALTER BANGLOR.)
Motorist: I want the ring, the watch and all your cash.
Walter Banglor: Okay, all right.
Motorist: Come on.
Walter Banglor: All right, all right.
(He hands over money, watch and ring.)
Motorist: Now get your ass in the back.
Walter Banglor: What?
Motorist: I said get your ass in the back!
(WALTER BANGLOR crawls into the back seat.)
Motorist: Strap in.
Walter Banglor: Okay.
(He straps himself in. The MOTORIST runs around to the back of the car and pushes it over.)
Walter Banglor: What are you doing?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: He lays in wait, he robs him, he tries to k*ll him, but he lets him buckle in?
Warrick: I don't think the robber expected Banglor to get drunk and go crash his car. He probably freaked and put him in the back seat trying to fool me into thinking someone else was driving. But he only fooled you.
Nick: What about the blue dust, Warrick?
Warrick: What about it?
Nick: Don't you think it matters?
Warrick: Maybe. There's other questions to answer first.
Nick: Okay, like?
Warrick: Footprints and tire tracks.
Nick: (nods and whispers) I hate you.
Warrick: You love me. Who you kidding?
CUT TO:
[INT. HOLLOWEIRD - MAIN WAREHOUSE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the warehouse, looking for PAUL MILLANDER. In the back of the warehouse, PAUL MILLANDER is working on a sculture.)
Grissom: Mr. Millander?
Paul Millander: Hey, it's the forensics guy. I forgot your name. I-I'm sorry.
Grissom: Gil Grissom.
(They shake hands.)
Paul Millander: Hi, Mr. Grissom. It's been a couple of months. How are you, sir?
Grissom: I'm okay. What are you making?
(He turns the head around to show GRISSOM.)
Paul Millander: I-I-I call it ... "Good versus Evil." You like it?
Grissom: Yeah, it reminds me of our supervisor on days.
Paul Millander: So, what brings you down to my humble abode?
Grissom: I have a couple of questions regarding that staged su1c1de. Remember?
Paul Millander: Yeah. How's that going?
Grissom: Not too well.
Paul Millander: Say, w-would you like a cup of coffee? I got instant.
Grissom: Sure.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOLLOWEIRD -- BACKROOM -- DAY]
(PAUL MILLANDER walks in the back to get the coffee. GRISSOM follows him and looks around.)
Grissom: I envy you, Mr. Millander. I do. You can work by yourself ... no one around to bother you. You just ... do what you do. I'd love to have that kind of autonomy.
Paul Millander: It's really all I know. I ... started out doing ice carvings but the artwork never lasted.
(GRISSOM chuckles.)
Grissom: I know what you mean.
(PAUL hands GRISSOM his drink.)
Grissom: Thank you.
Paul Millander: Let's sit.
(They both sit down.)
Paul Millander: How can I help you?
Grissom: Do you remember the, uh, rubber hand mold that you made from your own hand?
Paul Millander: How could I forget?
Grissom: Well, whoever the perpetrator is has k*lled again. And again, your print came up. So I was hoping you could help me.
Paul Millander: Sure.
Grissom: The last time we talked, you told me that you had sold several thousand units last Halloween?
Paul Millander: Bestseller. Yes, sir.
Grissom: Could you provide me with a list of your distributors?
Paul Millander: I really don't have a list. Uh ... Why?
Grissom: I was hoping to do a credit card search ... go back ten days before the first m*rder occurred ... try and run some names ... see if any priors pop up.
Paul Millander: I would really love to help you, Mr. Grissom, but ... I just don't keep track of ... of individual purchasers. I-I-I'm just a wholesaler. I don't ... I don't crunch numbers. I-I just ... spook the children.
Grissom: Of course you do. I'm sure you do it well.
(GRISSOM leans back in his chair and takes a sip from his cup.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - RESEARCH ROOM -- DAY]
(WARRICK looks through a binder full of shoe prints. He flips the page and finds the match.)
Warrick: Finally.
(NICK walks into the room. He's eating an apple.)
Nick: Hey, partner, you get a match yet? Ooh! Converse all-star.
Warrick: Size 11.
Nick: And you needed all the books for that?
(NICK takes a seat.)
Nick: Those soles have been around 20 years.
Warrick: I needed to be sure.
Nick: You look tired, buddy. You want me to make you a bottle, go nigh-nigh?
Warrick: You want me to clack that jaw, make you go nigh-nigh?
Nick: (rubbing it in) You should have worked the tire tracks. Jimmy in trace put together a digital catalog of treads ... has thousands on file. Took me three minutes.
(NICK tosses the file folder onto the desk in front of WARRICK. WARRICK looks at the results.)
Warrick: Pirelli low profile p-zeros. High performance.
Nick: And standard on your alleged getaway vehicle ... the '99 Bentley Arnage, red label. It's a sweet ride, man -- handcrafted. So, how many people in Vegas you think drive that kind of price tag?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
Brass: Three. Did a DMV search.
Warrick: Any reported stolen?
Brass: Yeah, one. Last week. It came in a couple of hours ago.
(BRASS holds up the photos.)
Brass: Take a look.
(He gives them the photos.)
Nick: Oh-ho! So sweet!
(WARRICK grabs a photo and compares it to the tire marks in the folder.)
Warrick: Check this. One-to-one says that's the car.
Brass: Yeah, well, don't bet the sub shop, Warrick. That's about all the evidence you're going to get out of the Bentley. We found it at a car wash off of warm springs. It's been vacuumed detailed -- the whole works. It's cleaner than brand-new.
(NICK smiles.)
Nick: Well, I wish Banglor's rental car company were as considerate as your thief.
(He slaps WARRICK on the back and chuckles as he leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(BRASS walks into GRISSOM'S office.)
Brass: Dr. Livingston. Your d*ad man is making cash withdrawals.
Grissom: Which one? The first victim or the second?
Brass: The second. Stuart Rampler. The bank called. His ATM card showed a couple of withdrawals after his time of death.
Grissom: (pleased) ATM machines take photographs every three seconds. Maybe we can get a Kodak moment of this guy. I want the machine here. I want prints. I want film. I want everything.
Brass: The whole machine?
Grissom: Yeah, the whole machine.
Brass: Okay.
(BRASS turns and leaves the office.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE ROOM -- NIGHT]
(NICK goes over WALTER BANGLOR'S clothing. NICK finds a blue stain near the jean's button fly. He takes a sample of it just as WARRICK walks into the room.)
Warrick: You got his clothes?
Nick: That's right.
Warrick: What are you doing? His laundry?
(NICK holds up the swab.)
Nick: Something to compare our mystery blue dust to.
Warrick: Ah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- NIGHT]
(GREG starts testing the blue substance.)
Greg Sanders: So ... what's the pot up to?
Nick: (flatly) We don't bet on cases.
Greg Sanders: Ah. Of course you don't. So who's winning?
Warrick/Nick (both): I am.
Greg Sanders: Fiends.
(GREG puts the sample vial in the machine and runs it.)
(Short time cut to: The printer prints the results.)
Greg Sanders: Your mystery dust is ... silicon blue dye.
Warrick: What's that?
Greg Sanders: Pool cue chalk.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT]
(Inside the break room, NICK and WARRICK revamp their scenarios. WARRICK sits and listens as NICK stands, pacing the floor and playing with a football in his hand.)
Nick: Banglor's sh**ting stick with the phantom driver ... tosses a few back ... piles into the rental ... ...I-93, Hoover Dam. But don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink ... car skids ... bangs into the railing ...
(Quick flash to: [NICK'S THEORY] The car going through the railing. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: ... see-saws ...
(Quick flash to: The car teetering over the edge. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: ... on the edge ... what does the driver do? Man, he bails. He leaves Banglor in the back seat to take the fall.
(Quick flashback to: The PHANTOM DRIVER leaps over the railing and runs down the road. End of flashback Resume to present.)
Nick: Literally.
(Quick flashback to: The car falls down the ravine, WALTER BANGLOR inside, screaming. End of flashback Resume to present.)
Nick: Fingerprints, grooves, footprints: All the bases are covered. Victim, suspect, crime scene. Like a laxative ...
(Done, he tosses the foot ball to WARRICK, who catches it.)
Nick: It works.
(NICK sits down and exhales. WARRICK thinks about it and starts his own theory.)
Warrick: Banglor sh**ting stick -- I'll give you that. Burping bourbons --
I'll give you that, too. But he left solo. A few miles down the road,
(WARRICK stands up and starts pacing the room as he goes over his scenario, evidence by evidence.)
Warrick: ... Bentley thief flags him down ...
(Quick flashback to: [WARRICK'S THEORY] The MOTORIST flags the car down. End of flashback Resume to present.)
Warrick: ... spooks him into a skid ... boom, crash!
(Quick flashback to: The car headlights. End of flashback Resume to present.)
Warrick: He's robbed ... forced into the back ... pushed over the edge.
(Quick flashback to: The MOTORIST pushes the car over the edge of the hill. End of flashback Resume to present.)
Warrick: With Banglor out of the way, the thief gets in his stolen Bentley ... hightails it out of there. No watch ... no rings, no cash ... stolen Bentley tire treads, converse all-star size 11 ... all bases covered. Victim, suspect, crime scene. Like a canary ... it sings.
(Done, WARRICK tosses the ball to NICK. He catches it. WARRICK takes a seat.)
Nick: You know, I hate to admit it ... but I like your theory. It does work.
Warrick: I was sitting here thinking the same thing about your phantom driver.
Nick: So, what do you think? Can two solid theories, each backed by evidence both be correct?
(WARRICK shrugs. NICK tosses the football to WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PHOTO LAB -- DAY]
(Everyone watches the bank ATM machine security camera footage. On the monitor, a bum stands directly in front of the camera. A second person stands off to the side directing the bum. He hands the bum the card.)
Grissom: (o.s.) There. There's our guy ... handing it off.
(On screen, the man on the side hands the bum a stack of cue cards. The bum turns the cards one after the other in front of the camera.)
Grissom: Life ... like holding a dove.
Grissom: Hold it too hard ...
Catherine: ... you k*ll it.
Grissom: Hold it too soft ...
Sara: ...and it'll fly away.
(The bum continues to flip the cards. Thinking that he's done, the bum turns to the side to walk away, but the man pushes him back in front of the camera to continue flipping the cards.)
Catherine: :Have we located this bum?
Grissom: Brass's guys are looking for him. Okay ... significance of the flipping?
Catherine: He's obviously making a point.
Sara: What does the dove symbolize? Peace.
Catherine: But I don't think it's peace in terms of ... human civility or unrest. I think maybe it's "peace of mind." (b*at) What do you have to attain to have peace of mind? (realizing) Justice.
Grissom: "I'm going to keep doing this over and over again until I get Justice."
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM opens the interview room. Inside is the bum.)
Brass: How you doing?
Grissom: (looking at the bum) Hmm. How'd you find him?
Brass: We canvassed a square-mile radius of the ATM machine. Started throwing bums hamburgers out the car window in a nice tight spiral. They ratted him out in 20 minutes.
Brass: You want to tell him how you were approached?
Bum: You know, I think better when I eat.
Brass: No kidding?
Grissom: Jim, call the steak house at Circus. Get this fella a porterhouse.
(BRASS picks up the phone.)
Brass: How do you like it -- Medium rare? No, you look like a well-done kind of guy.
Bum: Rare.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(NICK and WARRICK sit side-by-side in the hallway. NICK glances at his watch. DR. LEEVER steps out.)
Dr. Leever: Two minutes, understand?
Nick: That's all we'll need.
(They head into WALTER BANGLOR'S room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(The door opens. NICK and WARRICK walk into the room.)
Nick: Hey, hey. How are you feeling, Mr. Banglor?
Walter Banglor: Uh, better, I guess. I understand last night was exciting, though.
Warrick: Yeah.
Nick: I'm going to come right out and say it. What happened to you is not right. The person responsible needs to be brought to justice. You tell me who that person is. Who was driving that car?
Walter Banglor: Who the hell are you guys?
(WARRICK and NICK both talk at the same time.)
Warrick: I'm Warrick ... NICK: I'm Nick ...
(They stop and look at each other.)
Nick: I'm Nick Stokes. This is Warrick Brown. We're with criminalistics. We've been working your accident.
Warrick: Actually, sir, I-I don't think it was an accident. I think you were robbed and any information that you remember about your attacker would be very helpful.
Walter Banglor: I wasn't att*cked.
(At this, WARRICK'S face falls.)
Walter Banglor: I was drunk .. really drunk.
(At this, NICK'S face falls.)
Walter Banglor: No way I should've been driving that car.
(Quick flashback to: [POOL BAR] WALTER BANGLOR looses another game and puts his pool stick down on the table. He sighs.)
Walter Banglor: Yeah! I guess that's enough for me.
Pool Player: Then it's time to pay up.
(Cut to: WALTER BANGLOR looks into his wallet, then glances at the POOL PLAYER in front of him.)
Walter Banglor: Looks like I'm a little short.
(He chuckles. The POOL PLAYER turns to the THUG behind him and motions to WALTER.)
Pool Player: h*t him. Take everything he's got.
(The THUG hits WALTER in the stomach and in the face.)
(Cut to: WALTER BANGLOR is driving home. He's drinking as he's driving. He's not paying attention to the road and is startled awake when the truck headed toward him honks his horn.)
Walter Banglor: Jeez!
(WALTER gets control over his car and swerves. He crashes through the railing and teeters on the edge of the cliff.)
(To balance the car, WALTER crawls into the back seat. He fastens himself in just as the car tilts over the edge. And like a wild park ride, the car rolls down the hillside.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: You mean you got hustled?
Walter Banglor: I won the first game.
Nick: (astonished) You climbed in the back seat yourself?
Walter Banglor: Yeah.
Warrick: So buckling up ... really did save your life. You know that?
Walter Banglor: Yeah, I guess it did.
Warrick: You get well, okay?
Nick: Glad we could help.
(They both walk out of the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and WARRICK walk out of the room and into the hallway.)
Nick: Well, the only thing we didn't factor in was his will to live.
Warrick: And the Bentley thief, size 11-- he could've been at that crime scene anytime last week. So we push on the bet? No winner?
Nick: (agreed) No loser.
(NICK'S pager goes off. The wall clock reads 4:02. NICK checks his pager.)
Nick: 406. Burglary. Double or nothing?
Warrick: You're talking to the wrong guy.
(They both walk out.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(The BUM finishes his meal.)
Brass: Can we start again, please?
Grissom: Now, how did this man approach you?
Bum: He walked up to me. Told me he'd give me a hundred bucks if I flip some cards.
Brass: He pay you cash?
Bum: (nods) Mm-hmm. A hundred-dollar bill.
Grissom: You still have it?
(The BUM doesn't answer.)
Grissom: How tall was this man? Was he ... shorter or taller than Mr. Brass here?
(BRASS stands up.)
Bum: A hair taller.
Grissom: By a hair, do you mean the hair of a rabbit or the hair of grizzly bear?
Bum: Somewhere in the middle.
Grissom: Okay. Let's say he was five-ten. What else do you remember about this man?
(BRASS takes a seat.)
Bum: He had a narrow chin. Uh ... his eyes were blue -- deep-sea blue, you know? Uh, jet-black hair uh, Spock-like ears pointed nose, bushy eyebrows. Sunken cheeks with a bad complexion, almost pock-faced.
(As he talks, GRISSOM puts it together.)
Bum: Uh ... thin as a soda cr*cker and his clothes were wrinkled, like, uh, he slept in them. Oh ... and when he spoke, he spoke with a ...
Grissom: (realizing) ... stutter.
Bum: Yeah.
Grissom: Paul Millander. He set me up. (surges to his feet, angry) Son of a bitch! I had him and I let him go!
(Quick flashback to: [HOLLOWEIRD] GRISSOM talks with PAUL MILLANDER.)
Grissom: You ever make any rubber hands?
(Cut to: GRISSOM shows PAUL MILLANDER the rubber hand.)
Paul Millander: I sold ten thousand of those units last Halloween. Even used my own hand for the mold.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM is angry ... with himself. BRASS watches GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM fills CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS in on his findings.)
Grissom: So when I picked up the hand he must have lifted my print, Catherine.
Catherine: Latex rubber surface, freshly dried paint a snip of scotch tape -
Sara: It wouldn't be that hard to lift and replant.
Grissom: Sara, we'll be on headsets. Run everything you can on Paul Millander. Use forenz-l use nexus, search anything and everything.
Brass: I'll call the brigade.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - RESEARCH ROOM -- NIGHT]
(SARA is on the computer, running the searches.)
Sara: Typing in search word: Paul Millander. Here it is. Paul Millander:
INTERCUT WITH:
[MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT]
Sara: (from radio) Age 42, five-eleven, male caucasian. Address not on file. No criminal record.
Grissom: Keep looking. Listen, check the business database. Search word:
"Halloweird."
(SARA does a search.)
Sara: There's no listing, Grissom.
Grissom: How can that be? I was just there.
Catherine: (to radio) Change databases. Newspaper index, periodicals index -- just keep trying.
Sara: (from radio) I got something out of the newspaper index.
Grissom: What is it?
Sara: (reading) "Two hotel security guards exonerated in alleged 'staged' su1c1de. Boy's testimony shaky. Paul Millander, age ten, testified that he watched in the closet while his father, John, was escorted by two hotel security guards into his own bathtub at g*n where he was found sh*t to death. Official cause of death was ruled ..."
Grissom: (to radio) ... su1c1de. (from radio) Check the date.
(SARA runs the search.)
Sara: Catherine, you were right. August 17, 1959, it's a pattern.
Catherine: So he was k*lling men who were born on the same day that his father died.
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOLLOWEIRD - NIGHT]
(The police vehicle stops. OFFICERS suited up exit the back of the van. Additional OFFICER vehicles arrive at the scene. BRASS exits his car, g*n drawn. GRISSOM and CATHERINE stick their heads out of the van after all the OFFICERS exit.)
(The OFFICERS break down the warehouse door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOLLOWEIRD - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT]
(The OFFICERS search the warehouse. It's completely empty. Everything's gone.)
Officer: All clear.
(GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS walk into the empty warehouse. In the center is a single stool with an envelope on it.)
(GRISSOM takes out his gloves and looks at the envelope. He opens it and takes out the single piece of paper inside.)
Catherine: Blank. What's that mean?
Grissom: We have nothing.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - RECEPTION -- NIGHT]
(The RECEPTIONIST looks up from her desk at PAUL MILLANDER.)
Paul Millander: Mr. Grissom in?
Receptionist: No. He's out on assignment.
(PAUL looks around and sees the security camera in the corner nearby.)
Receptionist: Do you want to leave him a message?
Paul Millander: No. Just tell him a friend stopped by.
Receptionist: A friend?
Paul Millander: (nods) A friend. He'll know.
(PAUL steps away to leave. He walks in front of the security camera and waves. He walks out.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x08 - Anonymous"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
BLUR TO:
[EXT. AIRPLANE (MOVING) - SUNSET]
(Through various cuts and dissolve sh*ts, the camera follows the aircraft in flight as we overhear the conversation between the PILOT and the TOWER.)
Pilot: (V.O.) McCarren approach Las Vegas nine-zero-nine, thirty-thousand. Request emergency personnel. Over.
Tower: (V.O.) Las vegas nine-zero-nine, McCarren tower. Specify request. Over.
Pilot: (V.O.) Negative, McCarren. Advise on runway.
Tower: (V.O.) Las Vegas nine-zero-nine cleared for V-O-R runway one-five approach. Over
Pilot: (V.O.) V-O-R runway one-five approach. Roger. Request Las Vegas police.
(The camera moves in through the clouds and pushes up close to the aircraft window. From the outside, we see darkened figures inside and a lot of movement. We hear thumping. We see the shadows of a commotion happening on the plane.)
Tower: (V.O.) Understand "police." Roger.
Emily Berhle: (V.O.) Mommy!
(Inside the moving aircraft, through the darkened window, we hear a little girl's screams. Something is happening inside that plane.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT]
(The plane sits on the runway surrounded by police cars and emergency personnel.)
(BRASS instructs his officers on what to do at the scene.)
Brass: The luggage stays in the plane. We're going to treat this like a crime scene until we're told otherwise. Tim, Sam, talk to the coach passengers. See what you can't learn.
(GRISSOM walks up to BRASS.)
Brass: All right, look, I'm going to talk to the first class passengers -- they're in the lounge. Let's meet back there in a half an hour, all right?
Officer Tim: All right.
(The officers leave. GRISSOM and BRASS walk up the stairs to check out the inside of the plane.)
Grissom: So ... d*ad guy in first class?
Brass: Las Vegas Air. (b*at) Always heard it was a good time.
CUT TO:
[INT. PLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS and GRISSOM walk onto the plane. BRASS clears his throat. In the aisle, is the body.)
Grissom: Coroner pronounce?
Brass: About thirty minutes ago.
Grissom: Eyewitnesses?
Brass: Everyone in first class -- nine passengers, one flight attendant.
Grissom: Where are they now?
Brass: Sequestered in the lounge. According to the Flight crew, the deceased had some sort of panic att*ck and died before they landed.
(GRISSOM kneels down to look at the mess in the aisle above the d*ad body. He looks at the d*ad body.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM takes the camera and looks around the plane.)
Grissom: Point of disturbance: Cockpit door. Bloody handprint. (He snaps a picture, then kneels down.) Looks like foot impression. Ballpark shoe size ... ten to eleven maybe.
(He snaps another picture.)
(He and BRASS turn around back to the body.)
Brass: Deceased found lying between rows one and two.
(GRISSOM snaps several photos. He reaches out and picks up a disk on the floor and looks at it.)
Brass: What is that? Blood?
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS and GRISSOM exit the plane and make their way down the stairs.)
Grissom: I want this whole plane taped off ... nose to tail and wing to wing.
Brass: Oh, it's going to take a lot of tape.
Grissom: I've got a d*ad body, a crime scene with wings. Something very wrong happened in this plane.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT]
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks along the tarmac, his hands in his pocket. A car pulls up behind him, flashes on its siren to get GRISSOM'S attention and stops in front of him. GRISSOM turns around. The Sheriff, Brian Mobley, gets out of the car.)
Grissom: Sheriff?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: We've got a whale of an opportunity here, Gil. d*ad body on an airplane -- FAA has jurisdiction. But the Feds won't be here till sunrise. That gives us about twelve hours to be heroes.
Grissom: I don't follow you.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, we either hand over the guy who did it when the Feds get here or we give them all the glory while we watch from the sidelines.
Grissom: (shrugs) I don't even know if we have a homicide yet. First reports indicate he had some kind of an episode.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Give me a little credit. Even you wouldn't tape off one of these wide-bodies unless you knew you had something. (b*at) Arrest would be good for you. It would be good for me, too. Good for Las Vegas.
(GRISSOM looks carefully at the SHERIFF.)
Grissom: You running for mayor?
CUT TO:
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT]
(The CSIs are on the plane and examine the scene in front of them.)
Nick: (sighs) What about the passengers in coach? They see anything?
Sara: Brass said the curtain was shut. The Flight Attendant kept them separated. They disembarked through the rear.
Warrick: What do we know about the d*ad guy?
Catherine: Tony Candlewell, age 30. Communications Company Manager from Atlanta, married ... no record.
(GRISSOM walks onto the plane and looks at everyone.)
Grissom: So? What do you think?
Catherine: I don't know but this sure must have looked scary at thirty thousand feet.
Warrick: All this damage by one guy? Had to be on drugs.
Sara: Too much damage for one guy.
Nick: So, more than one guy? (NICK turns to look at GRISSOM.) What do you think, Gris?
Grissom: I think we got ten witnesses all singing the same song. Deceased went berserk. Unless we find something else in the evidence, that's what happened. Catherine ...
Catherine: I'll start the interviews.
Grissom: Thank you. Warrick, go with.
Warrick: Yeah.
Grissom: Brass has them all assembled in the lounge. Assume there's evidence on everyone. Nick, go with the coroner. Sara and I will work the plane. This is a mobile crime scene. It might not be here tomorrow.
(With their assignments, NICK, CATHERINE and WARRICK leave the plane. GRISSOM takes out a pair of gloves to get to work.)
CUT TO:
[INT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- LOUNGE - NIGHT]
(Inside the airport lounge, the disembarked first class passengers sit and wait.)
(KIERA BERHLE stands up and catches SHANNON, the Flight Attendant's attention.)
Kiera Berhle: (to SHANNON) Miss, my daughter has to go to the bathroom.
Shannon (flight attendant): Okay. I'll see what I can do.
Kiera Berhle: Thank you.
(They sit back down. SHANNON walks off to find someone.)
(As SHANNON walks by, VICKI MERCER grabs her arm and her attention.)
Vicki Mercer: How are you holding up?
Shannon (flight attendant): I'm still shaking.
(VICKI MERCER gives her a reassuring smile; SHANNON walks away.)
(BRASS, followed by CATHERINE and WARRICK, walk into the Airport Lounge.)
Brass: Can I have your attention? I'm Jim Brass, from homicide. This is Catherine Willows and Warrick Brown from Las Vegas Criminalistics. They're here to gather evidence.
Lou Everett: You know you can't keep us here.
Catherine: (calmly and reassuring) Sir, we realize this is an imposition, and we apologize for it. Nobody wants to see you on your way more than we do. We'll make this as quick and painless as we possibly can.
(They look at the passengers. No one else objects. WARRICK and CATHERINE turn around to get to work.)
Warrick: (quietly) Nice snow job.
Catherine: More flies with honey.
CUT TO:
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT]
(SARA reaches into the deceased's jacket and takes out his driver's license. It reads: )
GEORGIA DRIVER'S LICENSE {PHOTO}
NUMBER: 167121417
EXPIRES: 06-18-2003
CANDLEWELL, TONY
8975 LOCKRIN LN.
ATLANTA, GA 30311
SEX: M
BIRTHDATE: 06-18-1975
EXAM DATE: 06-15-1998
DOUNTY: 060
HEIGHT: 6-02
WEIGHT: 225
POST: 4 49
FEE: 8.00
RESTRICTIONS
CLASS: C
ENDORSEMENTS
TYPE: REG
{SIGNATURE} ]
(SARA goes through the wallet contents. DAVID PHILLIPS walks up behind her. She stands up.)
Sara: Driver's license ... library card ... organ donor card.
David Phillips: Stand-up guy.
(She finds a photo.)
Sara: He had a family.
David Phillips: Can you imagine getting that phone call? What a shame.
(She sighs, closes the wallet and hands it to DAVID.)
Sara: David ... it's always a shame.
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
(The Coroners wheel out the body on a gurney across the tarmac GRISSOM interviews the PILOT and CO-PILOT.)
Co-Captain Arrington: I saw him board. He seemed like an okay guy.
(Quick flashback to: On board, pre-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL helps DR. KIERA BERHLE with putting her bags up on the overhead storage.)
TONY CANDLEWELL Here, let me help you with that.
Kiera Berhle: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
(CO-CAPTAIN ARRINGTON watches the exchange from the front of the plane.
Tony Candlewell: Sure. No problem.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: When did you become aware that there was a problem in the cabin?
Captain Murdle: Sixteen-thirty hours, about 35 minutes out. Shannon asked one of us to come out and address an issue with a passenger.
(Quick flashback to: The cockpit door opens; CAPTAIN MURDLE sees SHANNON, the flight attendant, standing there.)
Captain Murdle: What's the problem, Shannon?
(Back in the cabin, there's some commotion as TONY CANDLEWELL tries to get the lavatory door open.)
Tony Candlewell: Come on! Hello! (b.g.) Other people have to go to!
(CAPTAIN MURDLE heads for the back of the area.)
Shannon: (to the other flight attendant) Do me a favor: Go back to coach. Make sure no one comes forward. Thanks.
(The other flight attendant heads for the back of the cabin. TONY CANDLEWELL continues to struggle with the lavatory door.)
Tony Candlewell: (shouting) Come on! It's been ten minutes!
Captain Murdle: Sir ... is there some way we can assist you?
Tony Candlewell: Yeah. You can help me open this door.
Captain Murdle: There are two other rest rooms towards the rear of the plane.
Tony Candlewell: I paid $1,200 to pee here, not in coach.
Captain Murdle: Sir? You need to take your seat.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: How much time did you spend with him?
Captain Murdle: Two minutes.
Grissom: In that time did you notice anything that would explain his behavior?
(CAPTAIN MURDLE shakes his head.)
Grissom: Was he drunk maybe, or on drugs?
Captain Murdle: Not as far as I could tell. A little agitated. It's not like I haven't seen this kind of behavior before. Flying just makes people react in funny ways.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(NICK watches DR. WILLIAMS puts a meat thermometer in the deceased to take a body temperature reading.)
Nick: Is that a meat thermometer?
Dr. Jenna Williams: Digital readout. Bigger numbers. (It beeps.) 98.1.
Nick: Guy should be colder than that. Body temperature drops two degrees in the first hour after death then one and a half degrees for each successive hour.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Well, he's been d*ad for two hours.
Nick: That would make his temperature at the time of death ... 101.6.
(realizing) This guy had a fever.
(She looks at the body.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Let's see what else we got.
(She checks his pupils.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Petecchial hemorrhaging behind the eyes ... suggesting suffocation of some sort. Horseshoe-shaped contusion on the left side of the neck.
Nick: Looks like the heel of a boot.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Oh, I'll buy that -- for now. Multiple contusions front and back. Broken hand.
Nick: Well, this guy's a study in contradictions.
(NICK lifts up the deceased's right hand.)
Nick: He's got defensive wounds on his palms but the scrapes on his knuckles and the broken hand indicate aggression.
(NICK sighs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT]
(As GRISSOM takes roll call, SARA puts orange cones with their names on tape on the appropriate seat.)
Grissom: Dr. Kiera Behrle, 3-E. Emily Behrle, 3-F. Nate Metz, 2C.
(GRISSOM puts his hand on the chair and the chair falls backward. It's broken.)
Grissom: Nate Metz.
Sara: Put your seat back and tray table in their upright position. I don't think so.
Grissom: Let me guess who was sitting in 3C. (GRISSOM checks the flight list.)
Tony Candlewell. The d*ad guy.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and BRASS interview NATE METZ.)
Nate Metz: Look, the guy was a real ass.
Brass: In what way?
Nate Metz: You know why I fly first class? Other than the fact that my company pays for it? Because I can work. I have to work.
Catherine: And he wouldn't let you?
Nate: No, he, he, he kept kicking the back of my seat with his foot. You know, like in a movie theater when somebody's kicking your seat? Imagine that all the way from Atlanta to Las Vegas.
Catherine: Are you telling me this guy was kicking the back of your seat the entire flight?
Nate: Maybe not the entire flight. You know, like, like Dallas to, to Las Vegas.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, NATE METZ is working on his laptop when his seat back jostles. NATE METZ pushes back on his seat and it falls back a little bit. His seat jostles again.)
Nate: (irritated) Hey, Pele, could you please stop kicking the back of my seat?
Tony Candlewell: I wasn't doing anything.
Nate: You know exactly what you're doing. Stop it.
(With his foot resting on the back of NATE'S seat, TONY CANDLEWELL jostles the seat back.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: What did you do?
Nate Metz: I just ... I ignored him. You know, I punched the seat a couple times in anger and that's it.
(He looks up at CATHERINE.)
Nate Metz: Look, the guy set me off. It was either the seat or him.
Catherine: May I see your hands?
(He holds out his hands in a loose fist, knuckles up. His right knuckles are red and skinned.)
Brass: Your knuckles are pretty banged up.
(NATE turns to look at BRASS.)
CUT TO:
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT]
(SARA and GRISSOM are looking at the seats. GRISSOM moves aside the seat belt and finds something.)
Grissom: Blood drops ... away from the main event.
(GRISSOM takes a swab sample.)
Sara: Maybe that's where the action started.
Grissom: Could just be a bloody nose.
Sara: Who was sitting in 4B?
(GRISSOM grabs the cone on the seat.)
Grissom: Lou Everett.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT]
(LOU EVERETT is in front of the candy machine. He puts his money in, pushes the button and waits for the OREO cookie pack to come out. It gets stuck.)
Brass: Lou Everett?
(LOU slams the flat of his hand on the machine glass.)
Lou Everett: Yeah.
Brass: How'd you get that slice around the chops?
Lou Everett: The guy swung at me with a C.D. Put his finger in the hole and slashed me.
Warrick: What guy?
Lou Everett: That crazy guy-- the psycho. He was out of his mind.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL has his foot up against the back of NATE METZ' seat. He pushes the seat forward. NATE METZ jerks forward into his laptop. The laptop falls into the aisle.)
Nate Metz: (stands up angry) What the hell is wrong with you? You know, you owe me another laptop, pal.
(NATE picks up the laptop and shoves the thing into TONY CANDLEWELL'S chest. TONY gets up and mumbles.)
Tony Candlewell: (mumbles) Move over!
(He pushes the laptop aside and shoves NATE METZ backward. The flight attendant and LOU EVERETT both try to break it up before it escalates.)
Shannon: Hey!
Lou Everett: Hey, hey. We're in mid-flight now, guys. That's enough.
(CAMERA SLOW MOTION: TONY grabs the CD on his armrest, stands up and swings it at LOU EVERETT. LOU shouts in pain and hits his seat, spilling his drink.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lou Everett: So what do you think? Bodily injury ... can I sue a d*ad man?
Brass: I think you need some coffee.
Lou Everett: What do you mean?
Brass: A few cocktails on the plane, Lou?
Lou Everett: (sighs) Look, I get nervous when I fly. So what?
Warrick: Well, alcohol does different things to different people ... at different altitudes.
Lou Everett: Hey, I was fine. He went bananas. Why don't you just ask ... ask the Flight Attendant?
CUT TO:
[INT AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and BRASS interview SHANNON, the flight attendant.)
Shannon: So, we were about 35 minutes out ... when he started pressing his call button over and over. He was complaining of a headache.
Catherine: And did you give him anything?
Shannon: Yeah, I gave him a packet of aspirin and he popped it dry, no water.
Catherine: And, as far as you know did he complain of a headache when he boarded?
Shannon: No.
Catherine: So what made the worm turn?
Shannon: Look, I've been flying for ten years. You know, I have seen it all. I've seen ferrets in suitcases, uh, fellatio in first class ... passengers stir-frying on their tray tables. I mean ... who knows why anyone does anything?
(GRISSOM walks up to the conference room. He lingers outside. CATHERINE sees him.)
Catherine: Right. Well, thanks for your time.
Shannon: Thank you.
(SHANNON and BRASS both leave the room.)
(When they leave, GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: So, any bites?
(CATHERINE puts her things on the desk and starts writing notes.)
Catherine: Nada. You?
Grissom: If nothing criminal happened on that flight ... why isn't anybody talking to us?
Catherine: I'm going to go out on a limb here ... and say ... they're hiding something?
Grissom: Then we get to play hide-and-seek.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - FIRST CLASS - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM hangs up the phone. SARA goes through a seat pocket as he reports what he's found to her.)
Grissom: I just got off the phone with Nick. The coroner did some carving on our d*ad guy. She found intercranial bleeding, thoracic hemorrhaging a ruptured spleen. And, for what it's worth the guy also had a fever. (b*at) You find anything interesting?
Sara: Well, the guy in 4B was knocking them back pretty good.
(GRISSOM thinks for a moment. He goes back to seat 4-B, grabs a glove and takes about three little bottles out from the front seat pocket. He holds them up.)
(SARA, meanwhile, finds a large broken bottle in the front seat. She looks at it.)
Sara: Could be dried blood.
(GRISSOM puts the little bottles down and heads for SARA to look at the bottle part she's holding.)
(Extreme camera close up to the red dried substance on the edge of the broken green glass. Resume to normal view.)
Grissom: Victim had defensive wounds on his hand.
(SARA glances at the seat number.)
Sara: Marlene Valdez was sitting in 2E.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - INTERVIEW OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(MARLENE VALDEZ points to her blouse. She sits down next to her husband, MAX.)
Marlene Valdez: Look at me. My blouse is ruined. Just hope it washes out.
Max Valdez: We'll get you a new one.
Marlene Valdez: After I saved your life, you better.
Brass: (to MAX) Mr. Valdez was your life in danger?
Max Valdez: Well, you know ...
Marlene Valdez: (interrupting) Of course his life was in danger. That maniac was pacing up and down the aisles ... all sweaty ... his eyes glazed. I was sure he was going to hijack that plane.
(Quick flashback to: SHANNON tries to restore order to the cabin. TONY CANDLEWELL is up in his seat.)
Shannon: Everyone needs to return to their seats.
Tony Candlewell: Get out of the way!
(He pushes her aside and heads for the front of the cabin. He bangs on the door.)
Marlene Valdez: (whispers) Do something.
Max Valdez: (brushes it aside) We should just mind our own business.
Marlene Valdez: (urgently) Well, if you don't do something, I will.
(TONY CANDLEWELL looks out of the front door window. MAX VALDEZ gets up out of his seat and approaches TONY.)
Max Valdez: Uh... ex-excuse me, sir. Uh... why don't you just take a seat?
(TONY puts his hand over MAX'S face and pushes him backward. MAX falls into the beverage cart behind him.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM and SARA are both kneeling in front of the beverage cart mess in the aisle. GRISSOM holds the bottom half of the wine bottle.
Grissom: The other half of the wine bottle ... from 2E. So ... Marlene in 2E slashes the victim. He's bleeding. Where does he go?
(GRISSOM looks at SARA.)
Sara: The lavatory.
(He turns his head toward the lavatory.)
(Cut to: The lavatory door opens. GRISSOM sands in the doorway and looks inside. SARA peers over his shoulder.)
Sara: No evidence.
(SARA turns and heads back to her bag.)
Grissom: No "patent" evidence. But if there's blood present there may be latent evidence.
(She returns with the ALS and hands it to him.)
Sara: One step ahead of you, every so often.
Grissom: Thank you.
(GRISSOM starts to check the lavatory.)
Grissom: Well. Would you hand me the Christopher Columbus from my field kit? Thank you.
(SARA returns and hands it to him. GRISSOM checks the bowl.)
[SCOPE POV of "protein"]
Sara: I take it that's not blood.
Grissom: No... but there's protein in it.
Sara: Oh, the mile-high club. That means the two passengers may have had no idea what was going on inside that cabin.
Grissom: (rote) You know, high altitude enhances the entire sexual experience. It increases the euphoria.
Sara: (thinks about it for a moment) Well ... it's good. I don't know if it's that good.
(At her comment, GRISSOM slowly turns to look up at SARA. SARA sees GRISSOM'S reaction and has to ask.)
Sara: Cite your source.
Grissom: Hand me a swab, please.
Sara: You're avoiding the question. "Enhances sexual experience. Increases euphoria." Cite your source.
Grissom: A magazine.
Sara: What magazine?
Grissom: "Applied Psychodynamics in Forensic Science."
Sara: Never heard of it.
Grissom: I'll get you a subscription.
(SARA doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: (calmly) Now, cite your source.
Sara: Oh ... now you want to go down that route?
Grissom: Yeah.
Sara: (smiles and shakes her head) Nah. Never mind.
Grissom: You started it.
Sara: Delta Airlines, Flight 1109, Boston-Miami, March '93, Ken Fuller. Hazel eyes, Organic Chem Lab TA, BMOC ... overrated ... in ... every aspect. (GRISSOM looks at SARA.) Could ... we ... get back to work, please?
Grissom: Yeah. I think, due to your, uh ... firsthand knowledge and experience in airplane bathrooms, you should do the swab.
(GRISSOM steps out of the lavatory and walks past SARA back into the main cabin.)
Sara: Fine.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK interview VICKI MERCER and CARL FINN, the two passengers in the bathroom.)
Catherine: And where were you when this was all going on, Mrs. Finn?
Vicki Mercer: Uh, Mercer, Vicky Mercer. Um, I was in the bathroom.
Catherine: In the bathroom? For how long?
Vicki Mercer: For a while. I ... I really don't fly very well.
Warrick: And where was your husband?
Carl Finn: We're not married. We just work together.
Warrick: Right. Where were you?
Carl Finn: I was in my seat.
CATHERINE So, then you saw what happened?
Carl Finn: I had my headphones on. I was listening to the air traffic control channel. Puts me right out.
Catherine: (disbelieving) So, you ... slept through everything and you woke up next to a ... d*ad body.
Carl Finn: (leans back and shrugs) Basically, yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR -- AIRPLANE - LAVATORY - NIGHT]
(SARA dusts the walls.)
(Dissolve to: SARA dusts the door frame leading into the lavatory.)
(Dissolve to: SARA dusts the basin edge.)
(Dissolve to: SARA dusts the underside of the ceiling where she finds something.)
Sara: Handprints. (b*at) A stallion.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE takes off her jacket and throws it onto the couch.)
Catherine: All right, we're going to have to change tack here because what I said about getting more flies with honey -- I was wrong.
(CATHERINE flops onto the couch.)
Warrick: This is incredible. Ten people and no one's talking. My theory: The k*ller is in the group and the rest of them are afraid.
CUT TO:
[EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT]
(Camera lingers on the group of first class passengers sitting in the airport lounge.)
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SARA are in the main aisle looking for evidence. GRISSOM sits writing in his folder. SARA is kneeling looking at something on the side of the passenger seat.)
Sara: That guy was wearing khakis, right?
(SARA picks some fibers off of the bottom of the seat.)
Grissom: Yeah.
(She holds it up and examines it with her magnifying glass. GRISSOM turns around and looks at it with his magnifying glass.)
Grissom: Fibers drawn from his pants maybe?
Sara: We get anything else off the clothes?
(GRISSOM looks at SARA.)
Grissom: Nick's working on it.
(She puts her magnifying glass down and takes out a bindle.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT]
(GREG SANDERS is putting the deceased's clothes on a dummy. NICK walks into the lab.)
Nick: What have you got?
Greg Sanders: Well, what you got here is a nice bordeaux and a starbucks blend. No blood. No saliva.
Nick: What about prints?
GREG SANDERS; Well, suede leather's a tough gig. It's too porous.
(NICK sees something.)
Nick: Hey. Are you losing your touch there, Einstein?
(NICK picks up the photos of the deceased's back and holds it up to the back of the suede jacket.)
Nick: Coroner's photos of the d*ad guy's back. Multiple horseshoe-shaped bruises. Those are definitely shoeprints.
Greg Sanders: Yeah. Looks like somebody stomped on your d*ad guy.
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
(Walking away from the plane, GRISSOM talks on his cellphone.)
Grissom: Bring me the jacket. If I do heel impressions I'll need something to compare it to. See you in twenty.
(He hangs up.)
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE is in the office going over her notes and absently eating a snack. GRISSOM lingers in the doorway.)
Grissom: ... I need their shoes.
Catherine: Why you telling me?
Grissom: Because you're the "people" person, right?
Catherine: Well, why don't you tell them that? They're not giving me bupkus.
Grissom: Please?
(CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM and stares at his puppy-dog eyes as he gives her the Look. She gives in and gets up off of the empty office chair. She passes him on her way out the door and hands him her bag of snacks.)
Catherine: (o.s.) Okay, people. Listen up. (b*at) Shoes ... off.
(CATHERINE, the "people" person, walks up to the group and looks around. Not one of them moves.)
Catherine: Now.
(Finally, they move to take their shoes off. GRISSOM stands off to the side and watches.)
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - EMPTY OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(Camera slowly pans across the rows of shoes, yellow labels with the owner's name on them. At the end of the row, the camera rests on MAX VALDEZ' sneakers on the print paper.)
(GRISSOM presses down on them to get a print.)
Grissom: I used to have a pair of these.
(He moves the shoes to the side.)
Warrick: It all comes down to shoeprints.
(WARRICK is also working on getting shoe prints. SARA walks into the room.)
Sara: Hey.
Catherine: Hi.
(SARA walks further into the room where CATHERINE is labeling the prints.)
Sara: (looking around) Looks like a shoe sale. Uh, Nick sent these photo comparisons over from the lab.
(SARA hands the envelope to CATHERINE. She opens it and looks at the photos.)
Catherine: Oh. Excellent.
(GRISSOM turns and hands the shoe print to CATHERINE to compare it with the photo.)
Grissom: Max.
(CATHERINE compares the photo with the print.)
Catherine: That looks good.
Grissom: Yeah, that's a match. Okay.
(CATHERINE moves to the next print. SARA looks over and nods.)
Grissom: That distinctive mark on the circular tread... hmm.
(CATHERINE straightens and sighs.)
Catherine: Well, that's it then.
CUT TO:
[EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - MAIN WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks out of the office and to the waiting first class passengers.)
Catherine: Okay, folks. I've got some good news ... and I've got some bad news.
Nate Metz: The good news?
Catherine: Well, the good news would be that seven of you may be ... getting out of here very soon.
Lou Everett: What's the bad news?
Catherine: The bad news is that three of you may be staying in Vegas a lot longer than you planned. And that would be ... Mr. Lou Everett, Mr. Max Valdez ... and Dr. Kiera Behrle. Would you ... please come with me.
(GRISSOM watches the passengers' reactions carefully. Hold on GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. AIRPORT HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(BRASS opens the interview room door. LOU EVERETT and MAX VALDEZ walk out of the room.)
Brass: Stevie, keep these guys on ice.
(Coming down the hallway are CATHERINE, KIERA BERHLE and her daughter EMILY.)
Brass: I'm sorry, ma'am. This is as far as your daughter can go but we'll have an officer stay with her.
Kiera Berhle: Come on. It's been a rough night.
Catherine: Dr. Behrle, we're going to be asking you some very sensitive questions -- questions that I know that I wouldn't want my daughter to hear.
(BRASS kneels down to EMILY'S level and talks with her.)
Brass: Hi. My name is Jim. What's your name?
Emily Berhle: Emily.
(They shake hands while CATHERINE and KIERA BERHLE watch.)
Brass: Emily. Oh, that's a great name. Emily, I'm going to make you a deal, okay? We're going to borrow your mom for a little while.
Kiera Berhle: (to EMILY) I'll be right back, sweetie, okay?
(She kisses EMILY.)
Kiera Berhle: Okay.
Brass: Okay? And here's the good part. You get to borrow anything you see on me.
Emily Berhle: Can I borrow your g*n?
(As BRASS talks with EMILY, CATHERINE and KIERA both casually walk into the interview room.)
Brass: Well, you know, my g*n ... it's kind of ... it's old, and it's heavy and ... and it's stuck there. Anything else?
Emily Berhle: How about your badge?
Brass: You got a deal, and you know what? This is the best thing. You know why? Because anyone gives you any trouble all you got to do is ... flash this. There you go.
(BRASS hands the badge to EMILY. She takes it.)
Brass: So, were you scared?
(EMILY nods.)
Brass: Did you see what happened?
(EMILY shakes her head.)
Brass: Okay. Okay. It's okay.
(BRASS nods to the officer standing there.)
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT SECURITY ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(It's 11:29P. BRASS walks into the room. KIERA BERHLE and CATHERINE are there waiting for him. He closes the door and takes a seat next to CATHERINE.)
Brass: Sweet kid -- Emily. Uh, so, er ... Behrle ... how long have you been a physician?
Kiera Berhle: I prefer surgeon.
Brass: Okay.
Kiera Berhle: I've been practicing for eleven years.
Brass: And what was the nature of your visit to, uh ... to Las Vegas?
Kiera Berhle: Emily. She wanted to see the white tigers.
Catherine: How did you get that black eye?
Kiera Berhle: I caught it during the ruckus. The price you pay for being a Good Samaritan.
Catherine: Okay.
(CATHERINE reaches for the photo of the suede jacket and stands up. She moves in closer toward )
Catherine: I'm, uh ... just a little confused. Your heel impressions were found on the back of the victim's suede jacket.
(CATHERINE shows KIERA BERHLE the photo.)
Catherine: That's a little aggressive for a Good Samaritan.
(KIERA BERHLE looks up at CATHERINE.)
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, KIERA BERHLE rushes from her seat to stop the other passengers from fighting.)
Tony Candlewell: No! No!
(TONY CANDLEWELL is already face down on the aisle floor.)
Kiera Berhle: Hey, stop it!
(She grabs LOU EVERETT's arm. He turns around and accidentally hits KIERA BERHLE on the cheek. She clutches a hand to her cheek and takes a step backward.)
Kiera Berhle: Oh...
(She takes a step forward and accidentally steps on TONY CANDLEWELL'S back. She pushes everyone aside to make room.)
Kiera Berhle: Get out of the way. Get out of the way! Give him some air. Sir?
(She flips him over and starts performing CPR.)
Kiera Berhle: One, two, three ... one, two ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kiera Berhle: If he had been in my E.R., I might have been able to save him, but at thirty thousand feet, there's only so much you can do. Look ... I did what I could.
Catherine: And you're satisfied with that?
Kiera Berhle: Why? Because I'm a doctor I'm responsible for what happened on that plane?
Brass: What did happen?
Kiera Berhle: I protected my daughter and I tried to save a guy's life. And, yes, I'm satisfied with that.
Brass: Well, you've seen cops the tv show, so you know our game. The first one to talk gets to make a deal.
Kiera Berhle: I don't need a deal.
Brass: No? Well, maybe your daughter Emily needs you to take one.
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT]
(SARA sorts through the bagged evidence. GRISSOM is on his cell phone at the back of the plane.)
Grissom: Mm-hmm. (pause) Right. (pause) Makes sense. Okay. Thanks, Catherine.
(GRISSOM hangs up.)
Grissom: We have a ping-pong ball. We just need to find the paddles.
(Without elaborating, GRISSOM looks at SARA. She catches on.)
Sara: Where are they?
Grissom: Probably in the first compartment.
(SARA stands up and heads for the front seat overhead compartment.)
Grissom: The doctor in 3E told Catherine that she performed CPR on the victim. Check the inside of the paddles. See if there's any bio gel on them.
(SARA takes out the unit and checks the paddles.)
Sara: These look like they weren't even used. There was more lubricant in the bathroom. It's pretty negligent for a doctor. She's got to know every commercial airline carries defib paddles.
Grissom: Yeah, and if she didn't know, the Flight Attendant sure did.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE re-interviews SHANNON, the Flight Attendant.)
Shannon: By the time I thought to grab the defibrillator he was already d*ad.
Catherine: But you are trained to use the paddles in the event of an emergency and this was an emergency situation.
Shannon: Yes, but I'm trained to use them when a man is having cardiac arrest in his seat, not flopping around in the aisle.
Catherine: So, whatever it was he was going through it didn't look a heart att*ck.
Shannon: Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I was scared. I mean ... I thought this guy was going to take us all down.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, SHANNON tries to restore order.)
Shannon: All right, everyone needs to return to their seats.
(TONY CANDLEWELL pushes SHANNON aside and tries to get into the cockpit. He bangs on the door with his hands, kicks at the door with his feet.)
Tony Candlewell: Get out of the way! I got to get off!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: All right, so let me get this straight. 2F is on the floor. His wife is in the aisle brandishing a broken wine bottle. What about 1A? He was closest to the action.
Shannon: (shakes her head) That would be Mr. Cash. Um, he was in his seat.
CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - MAIN LOBBY AREA - NIGHT]
(WARRICK and GRISSOM approach PRESTON CASH.)
Warrick: Mr. Cash.
Preston: I was wondering when you guys were going to get around to asking me some questions.
Warrick: So, what did you see?
Preston Cash: Not much.
Grissom: Sir, it's been a long night, and we don't have much time before our crime scene flies away.
Preston Cash: I was in my seat.
Grissom: You were sitting in 1A.
Warrick: Sitting ringside, how do you not see what happened?
(PRESTON CASH takes out his walking stick and opens it in front of them. WARRICK and GRISSOM'S jaws drop as they realize that he's blind.)
Grissom: The blind leading the blind.
Preston Cash: I'm not totally blind. I'm legally blind. My central visual acuity is 20/200.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, PRESTON CASH sits up in his chair, alarmed at the commotion happening in the aisle in front of him.)
Shannon: (o.s.) Take your seat!
(All PRESTON CASH "sees" is white light with some shadow movements in front of him. He hears thumping.)
Tony Candlewell: (o.s.) You got to land the plane! I got to get off this plane!
(He hears a metal container h*t the floor.)
Lou Everett: (o.s.) Get him off the door! Get him down!
(A woman screams. There are more sounds of shuffling and commotion in front of him.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Can you identify the voices?
Preston Cash: (sighs) First voice. 4B. Businessman. I could tell by the way he ordered drinks.
Grissom: How do you mean?
Preston Cash: JW black, triple, not double.
Warrick: That's Lou.
Preston Cash: Second voice, guy in 2F, kind of far away.
(WARRICK sits down on his haunches in front of PRESTON CASH.)
Warrick: Max.
GRISSOM; Third voice?
Preston Cash: Third voice, row behind me, two seats over. Mr. Dot-com. Guy must've typed 60 words a minute.
Warrick: That's Nate.
Grissom: Mr. Cash, you got to help me. I got eight eyewitnesses with various stories. I put them all in a mixing bowl, add eggs, milk stick it in the oven, and all I got is a limp souffle.
Warrick: We need you to tell us everything you heard from the time the deceased banged on the cockpit door to the time he died.
Preston Cash: Then listen up.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, the commotion begins and PRESTON CASH sits up in his seat.)
(There's thumping in front of him as TONY CANDLEWELL hits the closed cockpit door.)
Tony Candlewell: (o.s.) I need to get off this plane! I have to get off this plane!
Lou Everett: Get him off the door.
Kiera Berhle: Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
Emily: Mom-my! Mommeee!
Tony Candlewell: No! No! No!
(There's more commotion in front of him. The little girl screams. Then all is quiet.)
(PRESTON CASH gets to his feet as he listens, but there's nothing but silence.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Preston Cash: I never heard such silence.
(GRISSOM'S pager beeps.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room.)
Grissom: I got two hours till I lose my crime scene to the Feds. Tell me you have something.
Dr. Jenna Williams: I know what set this guy off.
Grissom: That's more than I got.
Dr. Jenna Williams: We know our victim suffered from intercranial bleeding. I had that pegged as possible cause of death so I crack his skull open, and what do I find? A cantaloupe in a soup can.
Grissom: Tight fit.
Dr. Jenna Williams: And not from one or two blows to the head. He was also running a high fever so I tested his spinal fluid. A normal protein level is between 15 and 45 milligrams. Candlewell's was 60. Did anybody mention this guy had a headache?
Grissom: Flight Attendant gave him two aspirin. Why?
Dr. Jenna Williams: He was suffering from undiagnosed encephalitis.
(She gives GRISSOM the report. He looks at it.)
Grissom: Swelling of the brain.
Dr. Jenna Williams: It can manifest like a heart att*ck: Slurred speech delirium, loss of consciousness. You throw in the altitude and the air pressure changes in the cabin and our guy was probably out of his mind.
Grissom: Is that what k*lled him -- encephalitis?
Dr. Jenna Williams: It wasn't the one thing that k*lled him. Ruptured spleen, intercranial bleeding petecchial hemorrhaging. And the guy's heart just stopped beating.
Grissom: A, B, C, D or all of the above. Standoff with the police -- guy gets sh*t in the chest, runs back into his burning house inhaling smoke as he goes. The roof collapses the air conditioning unit falls on his head, he dies. What k*lled him?
FADE OUT
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - NIGHT]
(The team each carries out a dummy from the cars and into the airplane.)
[INT. LAS VEGAS AIR - AIRPLANE - FIRST CLASS CABIN - NIGHT]
(Inside the airplane, GRISSOM and the rest of the team re-enact the events of that night.)
Grissom: Okay, Vicki Mercer and Carl Finn. I believe are in the bathroom.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE carry their dummies into the plane and toward the bathroom.)
Warrick: Mile high club.
Catherine: If you ask me, it's their spouses that are the dummies.
Grissom: Emily Behrle is in 3F.
(NICK puts the dummy he's carrying into 3F.)
Grissom: Preston Cash, 1A.
(BRASS raises his dummy.)
Brass: Tony Candlewell, d*ad guy.
Grissom: Right there, 3C. And for now, he's alive until he's d*ad.
(BRASS sets his dummy into seat 3C, then turns to GRISSOM.)
Brass: So, you want to tell us what we're doing here?
(Everyone gathers around to listen to the explanation.)
Grissom: The physical evidence that Sara, Nick, and I collected is contradicting the anecdotal statements that you, Catherine, and Warrick got and my money's on the physical evidence.
Catherine: So is mine. These passengers are lying.
Grissom: I mean, if this was an arson case, we'd burn down an empty house to prove our theory, right? Well, in this case we're going to recreate the flight from... 1630 hours on. You are in 4B.
(GRISSOM hands BRASS a card with a name on it.)
Brass: (reads) Lou.
Catherine: Lou -- the angry businessman. How about that?
Sara: I want to be Shannon. Good.
(GRISSOM hands SARA the card.)
Warrick: The stewardess.
Sara: Excuse me -- it's "Flight Attendant".
Grissom: Catherine-- the doctor, 3E.
(GRISSOM hands the card to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Single mom. What an imagination you have.
Grissom: Max and Marlene, 2E and F. You two are married. Who wants to wear the pants?
Nick: CSI-3 seniority, "sweetie".
(NICK snatches the card from GRISSOM. WARRICK reaches over for his card.)
Warrick: Yeah, whatever. You're henpecked anyway.
Sara: Let me guess -- you're the computer geek.
Grissom: In the interest of clarity, yes. Nate in 2C.
(GRISSOM takes a seat. The broken seat falls backward. WARRICK snickers at the sight. GRISSOM glares at WARRICK.)
Grissom: Okay, look, it's going to be sunrise in ten minutes. We're going to have to do a run, lola, run and play this in literal time. Up until the point that Captain Murdle escorted the d*ad guy back to his seat the events are substantiated by the flight log and the eyewitness statements unless anybody knows something different.
Catherine: What time was that?
Grissom: 1632 hours -- exactly 33 minutes before they landed in Vegas. One minute later, the plane h*t turbulence.
Brass: And, according to the Flight Attendant that's when our stiff lost it and started hammering his call button.
Sara: So, I walk over ...
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL is in his seat, pressing the call button repeatedly.)
Sara: (V.O.) ... try to calm the guy down, but he won't quit.
(Cut to: SHANNON walks up the aisle checking the overhead compartments.)
(Cut to: TONY CANDLEWELL has a hand to his forehead and is in pain.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Well, we know he's suffering from encephalitis. He's probably sweating and fighting back a migraine.
(End of flashback. Resume to BRASS.)
Brass: I know what my guy's doing in my seat -- Lou. He's getting ticked off.
Grissom: Yeah, but Candlewell is ticking off Nate in 2C even worse. I mean, this guy is perseverating.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL is in his seat, kicking NATE METZ'S seat back and irritating him as he's trying to work.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Uncontrollably kicking at the seat.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: That's when he winds up and breaks your seat.
Grissom: So, I get up, spin around ...
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, NATE METZ throws the broken laptop into TONY CANDLEWELL'S lap.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... confront the guy.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Now, Lou, in 4B, said he was the peacemaker.
Brass: Peacemaker, my ass. (BRASS reaches for the pocket in front of him and pulls out the alcohol bottles.) He's got three empties in the pouch.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, LOU EVERETT stands up.)
Brass: (V.O.) Seat reeks of whiskey.
(End of flashback. Resume to BRASS.)
Brass: The guy probably spilled Lou's drink.
Catherine: (impressed) Very good.
Brass: I was boss at CSI once. For a reason.
(BRASS takes a breath and stands up getting into character.)
Brass: Anyway, Lou gets up. He's angry. He takes a swipe at the guy. After knocking a few back at 33,000 feet you know, probably misses. And what does he get for his trouble?
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL swings the CD at LOU EVERETT and LOU crying out in pain at the cut. End of flashback. Resume to WARRICK.)
Warrick: A CD swipe across the chops.
Brass: Right. So he falls back ... Well ... maybe Lou ...
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, LOU falls back and his drink splashes.)
Brass: ... spills his own drink.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: By this time, Candlewell's got to be out of his seat, right?
(GRISSOM stands up and grabs the CANDLEWELL Dummy and picks it up.)
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY CANDLEWELL pushes SHANNON out of the way and heads for the cockpit door.)
Nick: (V.O.) If I'm Max, I want no part of this.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: Plus, I don't have an aisle seat.
Brass: Yeah, but you're lucky. Your wife is going to make sure that you get in the playing field.
Warrick: (to NICK) Yeah, go ahead, honey. Save my life.
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, At his wife's urging, MAX VALDEZ gets up from his seat and heads for the commotion in the aisle.)
Nick: (V.O.) Right. Max gets up ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK gets up from his seat and heads for the aisle.)
Nick: ... slides across Marlene. Excuse me, "buttercup".
Grissom: (holding the dummy) Candlewell's moving up and down the aisle by now.
Nick: I come over confront the d*ad guy. Then what? (turns around) Who talked to 2F? To Max?
Brass: (from his seat) I did. Max told the d*ad guy to sit down. He turned, he shoved Max into the food cart
(As he talks, GRISSOM pushes NICK with the dummy's hand.)
(Quick flashback to: Mid-flight, TONY pushes MAX and he falls backward into the beverage cart in the aisle.)
Brass: (V.O.) ... Max landed on the ground.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Warrick -- I mean, "Marlene" -- that's when you got up and grabbed the broken wine neck.
(WARRICK gets up from his seat.)
Warrick: Saved Nick's butt, as usual.
Grissom: There's a bottle of wine on the floor.
(Quick flashback to: MARLENE gets up from her seat and picks up the bottle. She swings.)
Grissom: (V.O.) You slash at Candlewell ...
(End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM who holds up the Dummy's hand in self-defense. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: Then he swipes him across the hand. Hence the defensive wound.
Grissom: Now our guy's bleeding. He turns and heads for the cockpit.
(GRISSOM takes the Dummy and acts out what happened.)
Grissom: Bang, bang. He wants in the cockpit ...
(Quick flashback to: TONY hits the flat of his hand against the cockpit door leaving the blood from the wound on the door and door frame.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... but the door is locked.
(TONY turns around. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Captain Murdle gets on the horn calls first class twice. No answer. Why?
Sara: Shannon's vapor-locked.
Grissom: He can't get in the cockpit. What's next?
(GRISSOM looks around, then stretches the dummy's hand toward the door.)
Grissom: He heads for the exit door. Blood underneath the latch handle shows that Candlewell tried to open it.
(Quick flashback to: TONY reaches for the exit door and tries to open it.)
Grissom: (V.O.) And, if he gets the door open, they all die.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: Now it's a whole new ball game. It's every man for himself.
(BRASS heads for the front)
Nick: (nods and heads for the front) Oh, yeah.
(Quick flashback to: MAX and LOU reach TONY and grab him to get him away from the exit door. Everyone else watches.)
Nick: (V.O.) This is when they really get scared.
Warrick: (V.O.) And, according to Preston, Max and Lou they got to Candlewell first.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: The struggle ensued. Max and Lou slammed into Preston
(Quick flashback to: TONY is being man-handled and yelling, "no!". End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: ... and, at some point, Candlewell goes down. Now it's a free-for-all.
(Watching from the sidelines and not really participating, SARA watches the others re-enact what happened mid-flight. She walks closer as they continue.)
Catherine: And my shoes end up on his back.
Nick: Mine, too.
Brass: Ditto.
Warrick: He's messing with my man, so I get my licks in.
Grissom: Nate's knuckles were bruised ... so he was in on it.
Brass: We're in close quarters, so there's elbows flying everywhere.
Catherine: That's probably how the doctor got her black eye.
Brass: Right.
(SARA sees something.)
Sara: Hey, guys! If you jump a guy at the exit, he dies at the exit.
(GRISSOM stands up when he realizes what SARA'S saying.)
(Everyone backs away from the TONY dummy.)
Brass: Yeah. And our guy...
(BRASS picks up the TONY dummy and carries him down the aisle ... toward SARA.)
Brass: ... was found five feet away ... with his head towards coach.
(He puts the dummy on the ground.)
(Quick flashback to: TONY heads back down the aisle. The others follow and continue to att*ck him.)
Nick: (V.O.) He tried to get away.
Warrick: (V.O.) But they didn't let him.
Catherine: (V.O.) And, at this point we're not individuals anymore -- we're a mob.
Emily: Mommy! Mommy!
(After a moment of constant kicking and stomping, the passengers stop and step away. TONY doesn't move.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: And you can't perform CPR on a man's back. Dr. Behrle had to have rolled him over ...
(Quick flashback to: KIERA BERHLE rolls TONY over and checks for a pulse.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... probably just to cover for herself.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: That makes us all m*rder.
(WARRICK nods in agreement. Camera cuts to various camera views of CATHERINE, NICK, SARA and BRASS to get their reaction.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - TARMAC - DAY]
(GRISSOM reports their findings back to SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY. They both stand in front of the SHERIFF'S car on the tarmac looking back at the airplane.)
Grissom: I want five of those passengers arrested for m*rder.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, that's four more than I anticipated.
Grissom: We looked at the evidence, and the evidence says five.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Let me get this straight. Five strangers get on a plane and then, together, they k*ll a man.
Grissom: On the surface, self-defense. They thought Candlewell was bringing the plane down.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: And he would have.
Grissom: But he didn't. They stopped him, and then they k*lled him -- not as individuals, but as a mob.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Let's cut to the chase, Gil. Can you prove your case?
Grissom: Not yet. I need more time.
(The SHERIFF gets into the car.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, time's up. I'm going to give these people their walking papers. If the Feds want to pursue it, let them.
Grissom: Don't do that.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, come on. No jury's going to ever convict them.
Grissom: You don't know that, Brian.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, if you or I were on that plane we would do whatever it takes to save our lives.
Grissom: That's what a jury would say. That's not what the evidence says.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: That's exactly my point.
(He drives off.)
CUT TO:
[INT./EXT. AIRPORT LOUNGE - DAY]
(The first class passengers line up to get on the bus. They take their seats inside. GRISSOM stands to the side and watches the board. MAX VALDEZ heads for the bus and glances up at GRISSOM. NATE METZ also pauses as he looks at GRISSOM. They board the bus.)
(CATHERINE exits the building and stands next to GRISSOM. Together, they watch the bus leave. As it pulls away, LOU EVERETT glances back at them. The bus turns around and DR. KIERA BERHLE watches them as they leave the airport.)
Reporter (woman): (V.O.) Las Vegas Air has issued no formal comment other than to stand by the actions taken by the flight crew. Meanwhile, the first-class passengers from the flight have been released ...
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(SARA sits in the breakroom watching the newsreport on the television. WARRICK walks into the room reading the newspaper.)
Reporter (woman): (V.O.) ... and no charges will be filed. The airline provided a bus to their Las Vegas destinations. Our request for interviews were denied, leaving the events surrounding the death of Tony Candlewell a mystery.
(On the set, the passengers board the bus. NICK pulls up a chair. They, too, glance at the television. WARRICK picks up the remote and turns the seat off.)
Sara: Hey.
Nick: Whoa.
Warrick: Let it go, guys.
Sara: Those people should be going to jail not some hotel on the Strip.
Warrick: It's out of our hands. Our field ruling was overturned by the good old Sheriff and the Feds.
Nick: And you're okay with that? We processed evidence for twelve hours laid out the whole case and now those passengers are going to suck martinis and eat shrimp cocktails? Where's the justice?
Warrick: Oh, you think this is about justice?
Nick: Yeah. What else?
Grissom: It's about human nature -- how people react when their lives are thr*at.
Sara: I know you're not condoning what they did.
Warrick: I'm not discounting it. I mean, think about it -- is there anyplace more vulnerable than being at thirty thousand feet in a tin can?
Sara: Feeling "vulnerable" is not a defense and where they were is irrelevant. They took a life.
Warrick: Because their lives were thr*at.
Nick: Their lives were thr*at when Candlewell was at the emergency exit trying to open it, but the five feet between the exit and the aisles is what made the difference between self-defense and m*rder.
Warrick: Human nature again. I mean, adrenaline doesn't come with an off switch.
(Behind them, CATHERINE and WARRICK enter the break room.)
Sara: I don't care what you say. I could never take a life.
Warrick: If it was between him or me, I could. Nick?
(NICK shakes his head and sits back.)
Nick: I don't know.
Catherine: Well ... it's wicked serious in here.
Sara: Yeah, well, we were just talking about m*rder and whether we would commit it. I couldn't, Warrick could and Nick's on the fence. We're taking an exit poll.
Nick: Catherine, you're a mother. You and Lindsey are on that plane. How far do you go?
Catherine: All the way.
Sara: (surprised) You didn't even hesitate.
Catherine: That's right. If it involves the protection of my child I fight to the death.
Warrick: See? We have four people here, all with different opinions. Think of how the passengers must have felt.
Sara: What do you think, Grissom?
Grissom: I can't answer that question.
Catherine: That's a cop-out. It's a simple question. What would you have done if you had been one of those passengers?
Grissom: It's not about that. You all have different opinions but you've taken the same point of view. You've put yourself in the shoes of the passengers, but nobody's put themselves in the shoes of the victim. That's the point.
Sara: I'm sorry. What are you saying?
Grissom: Nobody stopped to ask Candlewell if he was all right. They just assumed, because he was kicking the back of Nate's seat, that he was a jerk -- because he was pushing his call button that he was bothering the Flight Attendant -- because he was trying to get into the lavatory he was making a scene -- because he was going back and forth up and down the aisles, he was posing a thr*at.
Catherine: He was a thr*at.
Grissom: No. He turned into a thr*at. It didn't have to be that way. People make assumptions. That's the problem. You just did. And I think these passengers made the wrong assumption and now this guy's d*ad.
Warrick: Well, if that's your stance how could it have been prevented?
Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to k*ll him. It would have only taken one person to save his life.
(Various camera cuts of CATHERINE, WARRICK, NICK and SARA.)
(SARA looks back at GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x09 - Unfriendly Skies"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY MOUNTAINS (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. MOUNTAINS -- DAY]
(We hear the crunching of footsteps on the brush.)
Hiker Man: (o.s.) Isn't it great to get back to nature?
(We hear more footsteps.)
Hiker Man: (o.s.) You want to set camp here?
(In the brush, we see two campers, ANGIE and a man. ANGIE has her legs crossed and shuffles from one foot to the other.)
Angie: We can camp on the moon. Just give me the shovel.
(HIKER MAN takes off his back pack and grabs the shovel. He hands it to her.)
Hiker Man: Chill, chill. You got paper?
(She grabs it and hurries off. The MAN laughs silently at her.)
Angie: I have what I need.
(ANGIE walks some distance away from her camping partner and tries to get the shovel open. We hear insects buzzing. She looks in front of her and gasps.)
Angie: Oh, my god!
Hiker Man: (concerned) Angie?
(ANGIE is frozen as she stares at whatever it is she's looking at. When ANGIE doesn't answer him, the MAN turns to go look for her.)
Hiker Man: Angie!
(He runs toward her and finds her frozen at whatever she's looking at.)
Angie: They're ... they're everywhere.
Hiker Man: What the ... ?
(In front of them, under the bush, is the body of a person.)
Hiker Man: That's a person.
(They both start coughing and gagging at the thought.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MOUNTAINS - NIGHT]
(Large lights are set up on the mountain side. SARA and GRISSOM make their way down toward the d*ad body.)
Detective: Hey.
(They walk up toward BRASS.)
Brass: Hikers found her. Looks like a g*n to the head.
Grissom: Did you find a w*apon?
Brass: No.
(GRISSOM and SARA approach the body. GRISSOM puts his kit down. and puts on the gloves. He brushes a few away. SARA looks wide-eyed at the flying bees.)
Sara: I hate bees.
Grissom: Just paper wasps. They're having too much fun to worry about us.
(GRISSOM picks up his kit and walks closer toward the body. SARA stays back where she is.)
Sara: I never get used to this part, you know when the bugs get going.
(GRISSOM opens his kit.)
Grissom: Just doing what god intended ... ... recycling us back to the earth.
(GRISSOM looks down at the body. SARA takes out a pair of gloves.)
Grissom: Hey, Officer
Officer: Yeah?
Grissom: Can I borrow some of your hot coffee, please?
Officer: Sure.
(The OFFICER hands GRISSOM the cup. SARA bats her hand at the bees. GRISSOM takes a couple of bugs off of the body and puts them in a container. He pours some coffee into the container. SARA has moves in nearer to the body.)
Grissom: (to SARA) Preservation.
(GRISSOM caps the container and puts it aside. Off the body, he takes beetle samples.)
Grissom: John ... Paul ... George ... Ringo.
Sara: Beetles. No alkali fluids in the dirt so she wasn't k*lled here. Whoever dumped her must have been in a hurry. Didn't take the time to bury her. What do you think?
Grissom: You got any of that beef jerky you're always gnawing on?
Sara: You can eat?
Grissom: I want to keep these little fellas alive. They're our first witnesses to the crime.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT]
(Everyone's in the break room waiting for GRISSOM and the assignments.)
Warrick: Cath, you want some coffee?
Catherine: Please. Cream with some of that fake stuff.
Nick: There's nothing good to eat around here.
(CATHERINE tosses NICK an apple over her shoulder. It lands in his hand. He looks down at it and smiles.)
(GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Catherine: Hey, how's the body with the bugs?
(GRISSOM starts, then stares at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: How do you know about that already?
(He turns around and look over at SARA, who is on the other side of the room reading a book. She looks up and shrugs.)
Sara: Hey, don't look at me.
Nick: We, uh, played a hunch; checked with homicide. You were late.
Catherine: What do you have for us?
(GRISSOM looks at the assignment sheet.)
Grissom: A Paul Sorenson ...
(He hands the assignment sheet to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: (reading) Missing since last night. Last seen at home of Richard Zeigler in - ooh -- Summerlin.
Warrick: Summerlin ... rich folks.
Grissom: Warrick, you can work this with Catherine. (CATHERINE hands the sheet to WARRICK.) Don't you have a court date coming up?
Warrick: Yeah, the DA asked me to testify on chain of custody.
Warrick: I could do that in my sleep.
Grissom: Listen, juries need to have confidence in the evidentiary, process, so work with Catherine then break off when you have to appear.
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE head out the front door.)
Catherine: Bye.
Grissom: Good luck.
Nick: Bye.
Warrick: See you.
(They leave. NICK looks at GRISSOM.)
Nick: Need help with your homicide?
Grissom: No. Sara's going to work with me.
(NICK looks over at SARA, who smiles back at getting the d*ad body case with GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You get a missing person. (reading) Sheryl Applegate. Her husband notified the police that she took the car and headed to L.A., but she never showed up. A few hours ago, P.D. found her car at the bus station. They requested a CSI.
Nick: She took the bus instead. Case solved.
(NICK smiles smugly at SARA. SARA laughs.)
Grissom: Hopefully, you're right. But, until she's located treat her car like a crime scene.
(GRISSOM holds out the assignment sheet to NICK. NICK sighs and takes the sheet from GRISSOM. He heads for the door. On his way out, he tosses the apple to SARA, who catches it.)
(GRISSOM looks at SARA and points at the door. She stands up and they leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up to the front door. CATHERINE knocks.)
Catherine: Is everything okay? You've been quiet all night.
Warrick: Yeah. I got a call earlier today from Child Services asking about you and Lindsey.
(CATHERINE shakes her head in surprised disbelief.)
Catherine: I don't believe this.
Warrick: They told me they'd notified you -- some investigation -- that Eddie had made a charge or something.
Catherine: Yes. He's pissed off because I won't let him back into my life so he sics Child Services on me.
(WARRICK understands now.)
Catherine: (still upset) I never expected they were going to talk to my friends. Well, what did they ask? What did you say?
Warrick: Well, I ...
(The front door opens.)
Richard Zeigler: Hello.
Catherine: Hi. Sir, we're with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. We're here about a Paul Sorenson.
Richard Zeigler: I'm Richard Zeigler. Cops told me you were coming. Here, please, come in.
Catherine: Thank you.
Warrick: Thanks.
(He holds the door open for them. They walk inside.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ZIEGLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(RICHARD ZEIGLER leads them into the living room. He stops and points to the wall in front of them.)
Richard Zeigler: Well, this is, uh where the Sorenson was displayed.
Catherine: Sorenson is a painting.
Richard Zeigler: Paul Sorenson was an artist. Early 1900s.
(RICHARD ZEIGLER steps past them and up to the empty wall. WARRICK puts his kit down.)
Catherine: (shrugs) How dumb are we?
Warrick: What's he know about the forensic analysis of a friction ridge?
Catherine: Right on.
Richard Zeigler: (doesn't hear & turns around) I think I may have surprised the guy while he was stealing it.
(Quick flashback to: RICHARD ZEIGLER walks down the darkened stairs.)
Richard Zeigler: (V.O.) I came downstairs to read and I heard a noise.
(The plaster breaks and the wall hanger falls to the floor with some plaster.)
(Cut to: The thief runs out of the living room with the painting. RICHARD ZEIGLER turns his head and notices the open door.)
Richard Zeigler: (V.O.) By the time I got to the room, he was gone but the door was open.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE and WARRICK reach into their field kits.)
Catherine: Why don't we dust for prints?
Warrick: Mr. Ziegler, one more thing. What about the security alarm?
Richard Zeigler: Somebody disengaged it.
(WARRICK nods his head. RICHARD ZEIGLER walks away.)
Warrick: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Catherine: Oh, yeah. Inside job.
(CATHERINE reaches up and starts dusting the wall for prints.)
Catherine: So ... was it a disaster with Child Services?
Warrick: Disaster? What do you mean?
(WARRICK reaches up next to CATHERINE and starts dusting the wall for prints.)
Catherine: Well, my job does take me away from my daughter. Nobody knows that better than you.
Warrick: Yeah, but you think I'd say that?
Catherine: Well, not intentionally. (sighs) They just, you know, know how to ask questions.
Richard Zeigler: Are you finding anything?
Catherine: We're working on it, sir.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR ROBBINS goes over the body with GRISSOM and SARA.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Your young woman from the mountains.
Grissom: Do we know who she is yet?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I gave her prints to homicide for ID. There's the blanket she was wrapped in. Whoever she is, last day on earth was not pleasant. .38 caliber g*n, flush to the scalp.
(White flash to Quick CGI: g*n is heard and the camera follows the b*llet's path through the g*n barrel and through the scalp. Camera backs up a little to show the entry wound. End of CGI. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: sh*t clean through, right to left. b*llet out the other side.
(SARA leans in close and looks at the wound.)
Sara: Stellate pattern and beveled wound confirms the proximity of barrel to scalp. No question this was an intimate k*lling.
Grissom: "Full of sound and fury signifying" ... what, Doc?
[Note: Quote from Macbeth, Act V, Scene V, William Shakespeare]
(DR. ROBBINS turns and walks off to the side.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I took these.
(They look at the x-rays up on the viewbox.)
Sara: Let's see what we have. Fracture to the nasal bone, orbital bone, mandibular ... all facial fractures.
Dr. Albert Robbins: (realizing) Typical for battered women.
Sara: These aren't fresh, are they?
Dr. Albert Robbins: The old fracture lines indicate this woman was in a long-term abusive relationship.
Sara: Any idea how long she's been d*ad?
Dr. Albert Robbins: The elements really got to her. Grissom and his insects are going to have to figure that one out.
(DR. ROBBINS turns around and sees GRISSOM picking up a bug from the body.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Have we lost you, Grissom?
(GRISSOM looks at the bug.)
Grissom: (muttering) "The worms go in the worms go out / the worms play pinochle on your snout."
[Note: Quote from "The Hearse Song", Nursery Rhyme.]
Sara: Shakespeare again?
Grissom: An old nursery rhyme.
Dr. Albert Robbins: A very special insect, Dr. Seuss?
Grissom: A muscid fly -- typical only in urban areas.
Dr. Albert Robbins: But you found her in the mountains.
(He smiles in agreement.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE questions RICHARD ZEIGLER.)
Catherine: How many people have access to your home -- keys and security code?
Richard Zeigler: Just my wife and my two sons and, uh ... my daughter.
(Meanwhile, WARRICK finds something.)
Catherine: Can you get them all here? They might be able to help us with evidence.
Warrick: Hey, Catherine. Check this out.
(CATHERINE turns around and looks at the wall.)
Warrick: You see that?
Catherine: Helix, antihelix, helix rim, tragus, antitragus.
Warrick: I think the thief must have pressed his head against the wall to check if the painting was wired.
Catherine: (laughs) Come on. An earprint?
Warrick: Hey, a jury convicted a first-degree m*rder based on a print just like this two years ago in Washington.
Catherine: Yeah, I know, I know. I'd like to see that one on appeal. Well, photograph and lift. We'll have someone to compare it to soon enough.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT]
(Camera opens on a certificate hanging on the wall from the "UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO", "SOCIETY OF VECTOR ECOLOGY" to "Gil Grissom", then pans over to the various bugs pinned to a white board. GRISSOM adds another pinned bug to the board.)
(SARA sits behind GRISSOM holding the container with the 'preserved' beetle in it, the one with the caffeine.)
Sara: Okay, bear with me.
(GRISSOM walks over to the counter to pick up another container marked
"evidence" with an insect inside.)
Sara: I mean, you're one of ten guys in the country that understands this stuff.
Grissom: I think there's at least fifteen, but go on. What don't you get?
Sara: Insects arrive at a corpse in a specific order, right?
Grissom: Like summer follows the spring.
Sara: And you can pinpoint time of death based on the type and age of insects present on the body?
Grissom: I watch the insects mature from eggs to larvae to adults and then count backwards.
(Off SARA, out in the hallway, BRASS lingers in the doorway.)
Sara: Linear regression.
(GRISSOM holds up a bug and looks at it.)
Brass: How old are those creepy crawlers?
Grissom: They're not done maturing yet.
Brass: Oh.
Grissom: But when they are, I'll be able to tell you how old they were when I found the body.
Sara: Which will tell us when the woman died.
Brass: I ID'd her body through AFIS, and located her husband.
Grissom: Let me guess. Downtown? The Fremont District?
(BRASS' face falls at GRISSOM'S accuracy.)
Brass: You know, I'm not even going to ask.
Grissom: Synthesiomyia nudiseta is the Latin name.
Sara: It's a muscid fly. Only breeds in urban areas but Grissom found one on our girl which means she was probably k*lled downtown and then carried into the mountains.
Brass: Well, the neighbors heard a g*n at their apartment five days ago. The "grieving" husband ...
(BRASS looks down at his notes.)
Brass: ... his name is Scott Shelton.
(b*at)
Sara: What was her name?
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM, SARA and BRASS interview SCOTT SHELTON.)
Scott Sheldon: Kaye screamed at me a lot, that's for sure but I didn't k*ll her. In fact, I was out of town last week at a convention.
Brass: Yeah, in New Orleans soaking up the gumbo. You told us. When was the last time you saw your wife?
Scott Sheldon: Five days ago. When I came back from my trip she was gone.
Brass: And you didn't think to notify the police?
Scott Sheldon: I keep my personal business private. If Kaye had left me again, I wasn't going to broadcast it.
Brass: So this neighbor lady who told me that she heard a g*n and a woman scream inside your apartment ... what, she just imagined that?
Scott Sheldon: It was probably our tv.
(SARA slides the folder on the table toward GRISSOM. He leans forward to continue the interview.)
Grissom: Mr. Shelton ... did your wife drive race cars?
Scott Sheldon: (laughs) You're kidding me.
Grissom: No. The two most common causes of facial trauma in adult women: Motor vehicle accidents and domestic v*olence.
(GRISSOM opens the file folder.)
Grissom: These are your wife's x rays.
Sara: Every face and neck fracture your wife has sustained over the last six years is highlighted.
Scott Sheldon: Kaye can get wild. If I came home late with friends I've wrestled her off me. I admit that.
Brass: Three complaints against Scott for spousal abuse in the last two years.
Scott Sheldon: Kaye was excitable. Like I said I've wrestled her off me, but I never, ever laid a hand on her.
Sara: How about a g*n?
(SCOTT SHELTON looks at SARA, then turns to GRISSOM.)
Scott Sheldon: (laughs) You have your hands full with her.
Grissom: So do you.
Sara: We're going to investigate your apartment. Do we need a warrant or are you going to play nice?
Scott Sheldon: Come on over. I've got nothing to hide.
Sara: We'll be the judge of that.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. BUS STATION -- NIGHT]
(NICK makes his way toward the detective.)
Nick: Detective Secula.
Det. Secula: Mr. Stokes.
Nick: What's up?
Det. Secula: You got stuck on this one, too?
Nick: (puts field kit down) Yeah, well, missing person -- could be interesting.
(NICK pulls a pair of gloves out of his pocket and puts them on.)
Det. Secula: Husband reports his wife missing and her car's at a bus terminal. Come on. Lady took a trip. Didn't want him to know where to. Not much of a mystery.
Nick: Auto unit been by yet?
Det. Secula: No. We just slim-jimmed. We checked for a body -- didn't find one. Big surprise.
Nick: Yeah.
(NICK takes a breath and points to the car. She beats him to the question with the answer.)
Det. Secula: No. I didn't touch a thing.
(NICK nods. He opens the door and looks inside.)
Nick: Secula ... something wrong?
(DET. SECULA looks at the inside of the car over NICK'S shoulder.)
Det. Secula: We had dinner last week. I thought it went great. You never called.
(He turns his flashlight off and looks at her.)
Nick: That doesn't mean I wasn't going to.
(NICK opens the trunk and looks inside. He finds some hair.)
Nick: Is our missing person a redhead?
Det. Secula: Yeah.
Nick: Call in a tow to the CSI garage. This case is now officially interesting.
(NICK takes out the camera and snaps a photo.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE -- MORNING]
(CATHERINE looks at the ear print. She and WARRICK talk to the entire ZEIGLER family.)
Catherine: It's just like a fingerprint ... for your ears.
Richard Zeigler: Now, wait a minute. Are you thinking one of us did this?
Catherine: Well, there's no forced entry. Someone shut off your alarm. That tells us that we eliminate the family first before we widen our investigation.
Troy Zeigler: I'll tell you what. I'm not putting that crap on my ear.
Warrick: Well, we can get a warrant.
Richard Zeigler: Oh, no. Nobody's getting a warrant against this family. We'll humor them, and get this over with.
(RICHARD ZEIGLER gets to his feet.)
Catherine: Thank you, sir.
(MRS. ZEIGLER takes off her earring.)
Richard Zeigler: Tell me what you want me to do.
(He walks up to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: You're a good sport.
Warrick: I'm just going to press this against your ear. See?
(WARRICK presses the glass against RICHARD ZEIGLER'S ear and shows him the print.)
(Cut to: WARRICK and CATHERINE dust the ear prints. of the glass panels in front of them.)
(Dissolve to: CATHERINE blows the dust off of the glass for LISA Z.)
(Dissolve to: WARRICK and CATHERINE continue to work on the ear prints. CATHERINE presses the tape against the glass. WARRICK works on his glass.)
(Dissolve to: One by one, CATHERINE compares the ear print to the samples taken from the family. The family waits. CATHERINE finds a match.)
Catherine: We got a match.
(She stands up and shows it to WARRICK. Then, she shows it to RICHARD and MRS. ZEIGLER.)
Catherine: What do you think?
Warrick: Jason?
Jason: What?
Warrick: The earprint talking.
(Quick flashback to: That night, JASON presses his ear to the wall as he lifts the painting away from the wall to get the hanger behind it.)
(Cut to: RICHARD ZEIGLER walks down from the top of the stairs.)
(Cut to: JASON rips the painting off of the wall. The hanger falls to the floor with bits of plaster. JASON turns around to face the camera.)
(Cut to: JASON walks out the door carrying the painting. He runs.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Richard Zeigler: Why would you steal from me?
Warrick: Sir, are you going to want to press charges?
Richard Zeigler: No, no. God, no. No. I just ... we'll get help for Jason. I don't want court records.
Catherine: Jason, do you still have the painting?
Jason: What if I told you I sold it?
Catherine: Well, that would be selling stolen property and you would be arrested, no matter what your dad says.
Jason: Okay. Painting's in the trunk of my car.
CUT TO:
[INT. SHELTON RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(SCOTT SHELTON offers them a drink.)
Scott Sheldon: Can I get you guys something to drink? Soda, ale?
Sara: (o.s.) No, thanks.
(GRISSOM checks under the couch cushions. BRASS walks along the room. SARA checks out the items on the wall shelves. Most of the photos and items on the shelves are his.)
Sara: Not a lot of room for Kaye.
Scott Sheldon: She's shy.
(SARA nods.)
(BRASS kneels next to the bed and finds something. A holder with some b*ll*ts it in. SCOTT SHELTON sees BRASS pick it up. BRASS looks at SCOTT.)
(SARA continues to look around the room. GRISSOM stands in the middle of the living room.)
Grissom: Does it get cold in here in the winter?
Scott Sheldon: Sometimes. Why?
(GRISSOM finds some fibers on the couch. He picks it up.)
Grissom: That's why you'd need a blanket on the couch, huh? A green one, I bet.
Brass: (checks the g*n) Looks like your g*n's just been cleaned.
Scott Sheldon: Yeah, I, uh, cleaned it before I left town. Took out the garbage, too. (flippant) Does that make me guilty of something?
(GRISSOM puts the fibers in a bindle. He turns to look at SCOTT.)
Brass: No b*ll*ts missing here.
(BRASS checks the g*n. He picks up the b*llet holder.)
Brass: b*ll*ts missing here, though.
Scott Sheldon: I fired them at the sh**ting range last month. I go there with a couple guys from work.
Grissom: We're going to need to borrow your b*ll*ts.
(SCOTT SHELTON takes a step back. GRISSOM looks around and sees SARA head down the hallway.)
(She puts on some gloves and checks the floors and walls. GRISSOM checks on SARA. He watches as she picks up a green fiber from the floor and put it in a bindle.)
(SCOTT SHELTON walks over behind GRISSOM to see what's going on. BRASS also walks over.)
Sara: This back door lead to your car?
Scott Sheldon: To a car. I drive a different demo every day. Perk of the dealership.
(SARA sniffs.)
Sara: You smell that, Grissom?
Grissom: (turns to look at SCOTT) Did you do laundry back here today?
(SARA starts to check for blood on the floor.)
Sara: I got news for you, Scott. Bleach doesn't make blood disappear. You just can't see it with the naked eye.
(After a thought, she also checks for blood on the walls. GRISSOM steps into the hallway and watches SARA continue to check for blood.)
(SARA sprays the other wall and red streaks appear. GRISSOM and SARA look at SCOTT.)
Scott Sheldon: I have no idea how that got there.
Sara: (angry) It "got there" when you sh*t your wife in the head before you wrapped her in a blanket and you dumped her in the mountains!
(SARA stands up and gets into SCOTT SHELTON'S face. He knocks her hand out of the way. SARA pushes him back.)
Scott Sheldon: Get your finger out of my face, bitch!
Grissom: Sara!
(GRISSOM grabs SARA and pulls her back.
Sara: You touch me again, you draw back a stump!
Scott Sheldon: Look at her.
Grissom: Sara!
Scott Sheldon: Can't you control her?
Grissom: Get him out of here, Jim.
Scott Sheldon: I told you she was a handful.
Brass: Come on.
Sara: You don't know a handful!
(BRASS leads SCOTT SHELTON back into the main room. GRISSOM looks at SARA.)
Grissom: Hey. Hey. What is the matter with you?
Sara: (more than upset) I am a woman, and I have a g*n. And look how he treated me. I can only imagine how he treated his wife.
(SARA turns and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- DAY]
(WARRICK carries the painting into the office. CATHERINE stands at the counter as the clerk puts the forms in front of her.)
Catherine: Thank you.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick: Hey.
Warrick: Hey.
Catherine: Nicky, how's it going?
Warrick: What's up?
Nick: Good, good. (he looks at the painting) Are you putting one of Lindsey's drawings into evidence?
(CATHERINE and WARRICK laugh.)
Catherine: If only her artwork brought in this kind of dough I wouldn't need to worry about her college tuition.
Nick: Yeah, I heard your missing person was a "painting".
(WARRICK scoffs.)
Warrick: At least we solved our case.
Nick: Oh!
(NICK puts a hand to his chest as if wounded.)
Catherine: Keep walking.
(NICK laughs and leaves the room.)
Warrick: Give me an evidence tag for this painting.
Clerk: Sure.
Catherine: Okay, now I know that these are rich people and it's just a painting and nobody died, but ... this just doesn't feel finished.
Warrick: I know, every time you say that, I'm looking at more overtime.
Catherine: I know.
(WARRICK'S pager beeps. He looks at it.)
Warrick: You know what? I got to be somewhere.
Catherine: Court.
Warrick: Yeah, right. Can you handle this from here?
Catherine: Yeah.
Warrick: Cool. I'll see you later.
(WARRICK heads for the door. CATHERINE stops him.)
Catherine: Hey, Warrick. Are you going to tell me?
Warrick: What?
Catherine: About Child Services?
Warrick: Oh, I told them as far as mothers are concerned, you're the b*mb.
Catherine: Really?
Warrick: Yeah. And I also told them your ex is pretty screwed up. (CATHERINE smiles.) No worries.
(WARRICK turns and leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SARA, GRISSOM and BRASS discuss the case.)
Sara: What do we need to nail him at trial?
Brass: The neighbor puts him in the apartment five days ago. You tell me she's been d*ad five days and a jury is going to jump all over that coincidence.
Grissom: The post-mortem insects will tell me when she was k*lled.
BRASS; No, all I'm saying is five days is what I need.
Grissom: Jim, please don't try and compromise my end of the investigation.
Brass: Good luck.
(BRASS hands the evidence bag to SARA and leaves. SARA heads down one way, GRISSOM the other.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS puts the sheet back over KAYE SHELTON. He closes the storage door with the label: g*n VICTIM / KAYE SHELTON.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(Using the Christopher Columbus, GRISSOM looks at the bug.)
[SCOPE VIEW of bug]
(GRISSOM writes in a log book.)
DISSOLVE TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA looks at the evidence bag with the green fibers in them. On the table is the blanket that KAYE SHELTON was found in. SARA looks at the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of green fibers]
(SARA writes down in her notes: "Cotton green dye #24 / double loop stitching".)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM pins another bug up on the white board. He looks at them carefully.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM studies the bugs on the desk.)
(He measures the beetles then checks the computer print out which reads:
[NAME 12 HRS 18 HRS 24 HRS 36HRS 48HRS 60]
LAGIIDAE* .21MM .32MM .41MM .52MM .65MM .70
(LONG-JOINTED BARK BEETLES)
LAMPYRIDAE .22MM .32MM .41MM .54MM .61MM .63
(LIGHTENING BUG OR FIREFLIES)
LEIODIDAE .12MM .22MM [.32MM] .41MM .56MM .69
(ROUND FUNGUS BEETLES)
LEPTINIDAE .51MM .74MM .86MM .99MM 1.23MM 1.71MM
(MAMMAL-NEST BEELTES)
LUCANIDAE .32MM .485MM .58MM .74MM .92MM 1.72MM
(STAG BEETLES)
DISSOLVE TO:
(SARA lifts her head from the scope. She picks up one of the b*ll*ts and looks at it. She writes on the side of the envelope: For Trace.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM checks the containers full of insects.)
DISSOLVE TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM examines the insects. SARA walks into the office and reports to him. GRISSOM doesn't look up.)
Sara: The b*ll*ts from Scott's g*n are unusual.
(GRISSOM looks up at SARA.)
Sara: Since we didn't find the spent b*llet I sent one from the box over to trace. Everything else stacks up. He k*lled her.
(GRISSOM looks back down at his bugs.)
Sara: What did you get?
(He sighs.)
Grissom: She's been d*ad three days.
Sara: (shocked) Are you positive? Not five?
(nods)
Grissom: Three.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM, SARA and BRASS present their findings to SCOTT SHELTON and his lawyer.)
Public Defender: My client was in New Orleans three days before his wife's body was discovered on that mountain. He couldn't possibly have k*lled her. Unless I misunderstand what you've explained to us, Mr. Grissom -- your "linear regression."
Grissom: You understand it.
Sara: Okay, forget time of death. How does your client explain Kaye's blood all over his apartment wall?
Public Defender: Quite simply. Scott has three prior complaints for abuse. What's to say the blood didn't get there during one of those altercations?
Sara: "Altercations" ... upgraded from "wrestling"?
Brass: This is good. Admitting to prior abuse to cover up actual m*rder.
Public Defender: My client and I are leaving.
(They stand up.)
Public Defender: And, Mr. Grissom, thank you.
(SARA watches them carefully as they leave the room. As soon as the door closes, SARA falls forward and hits her head against the table. GRISSOM watches her frustration.)
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway. In passing he bumps into CONRAD ECKLIE.)
Conrad Ecklie: Hey, tough luck about the, uh, wife abuser getting released.
Grissom: There's no secrets around you, are there, Conrad?
Conrad Ecklie: You think I wanted you to whiff out on that? Your reputation as an entomologist elevates this entire crime lab which elevates my stature by association.
Grissom: Well, then, you must feel very small today ... by association.
(GRISSOM turns to leave, but ECKLIE stops him.)
Conrad Ecklie: You're dropping the ball in other areas, though. Administratively?
Grissom: Did I miss one of your status meetings?
(ECKLIE looks around, then lowers his voice.)
Conrad Ecklie: Warrick Brown had one of my guys sub for him in court.
Grissom: So? I'm sure something came up.
Conrad Ecklie: Hey, he told my guy it was an emergency but I have it on good authority that he was gambling.
(GRISSOM turns to leave. But that stops him.)
Conrad Ecklie: At the Monaco.
Grissom: What?
Conrad Ecklie: That's right. On CSI time. I don't like him using one of my guys as a cover. I figure if he brings anybody down with him it should be from your shift. Don't you think?
(ECKLIE turns and leaves. Camera holds on GRISSOM'S stern look.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(In the breakroom, SARA is sleeping with her arms folded and head resting against the table. The kettle starts whistling. SARA'S eyes open.)
(GRISSOM picks up the empty tea kettle off of the burner.)
Grissom: Sara?
(SARA wakes up.)
Grissom: (softer) Sara? You okay?
Sara: Fine. Yeah.
Grissom: Did you sleep here?
Sara: I was working till 4:00 A.M. I combed every demo Scott's driven. Zilch. What's up?
Grissom: I need you to do some background for me on Warrick without letting him know why.
Sara: Oh. Warrick -- your favorite CSI.
Grissom: That's why I want you to handle it, so that Ecklie can't accuse me of favoritism if it turns out that Warrick's clean.
Sara: What do you want to know?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - OFFICE -- DAY]
(WARRICK holds up the painting. CATHERINE is on the computer.)
Warrick: This painting's a forgery? Where does it say that?
Catherine: I was reading up on Sorenson, and I found a site that says that 15% of all museum art is fake.
Warrick: It's not our job to authenticate art. Case is closed.
Catherine: You're so right, but if this is a forgery, we've got a new crime.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- DAY]
(JESSICA LOVETT, the tech, explains how to test the painting for authentication.)
Jessica Lovett: This electrothermal atomizer is set at the excitation wavelength for titanium which was not used in oil paint before the 1950s.
Catherine: So, an authentic Sorenson would be titanium-free.
Jessica Lovett: If it's present, the canvas will fluoresce and we've got a forgery. h*t the lights.
(The lights turn off. JESSICA turns the light on and uses it on the painting. It fluoresces.)
Jessica Lovett: Mm-hmm. No doubt about it -- it's a fake.
(They turn the lights back on.)
Catherine: Okay, so if the owner purchased this painting from a reputable auction house, they would have run a similar test to this?
Jessica Lovett: Absolutely.
Warrick: So, the kid stole the original painting from his pop and gave us back a forgery. (cc) No wonder he copped to it so easy.
Catherine: This kid's in college, right? Let's check his dorm room.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(NICK vacuums the back of the car. DET. SECULA appears behind him. He sees her and turns the vacuum off.)
Nick: There's no more hair. Not even a trace. No signs of foul play.
Det. Secula: And the carpet's clean.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, too clean ... ... which begs the question ...
Det. Secula: What lies beneath?
Nick: Hand me the phenothaline, please.
(She turns and hands it to NICK.)
Det. Secula: You're checking for blood?
Nick: Well ... I am checking ... to see why someone scrubbed this carpet so clean. If there is blood present ... ... we'll know why.
(He takes a sample and tests it. It tests positive. NICK smiles.)
Det. Secula: Looks like our missing person might be a homicide.
Nick: Right.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM is in his office working. SARA appears in the doorway and leans against the door frame. GRISSOM looks up.)
Sara: Hey.
Grissom: Did you find out anything about Warrick?
Sara: Um ... I'm-I'm here about something else. You ... you know how you say, "We're the victim's last voice"?
Grissom: Mm-hmm.
Sara: I thought it was our job to speak for Kaye Shelton.
Grissom: You don't crunch evidence to fit a theory.
Sara: What if you hear the victim's screams? In the car, at the store.
Grissom: You have empathy for her, Sara. You want someone to pay for what was done to her. That's normal.
Sara: You want to sleep with me?
(GRISSOM freezes. He puts down his food and takes off his glasses.)
Grissom: Did you just say what I think you said?
Sara: That way, when I wake up in a cold sweat under the blanket, hearing Kaye's screams ... you can tell me it's nothing. (b*at) It's just empathy.
(Having said her piece, SARA turns and walks away. GRISSOM stares at the doorway. He leans back in his chair, thinking. Then something occurs to him.)
(Something, they might have missed.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE VAULT]
(GRISSOM empties the bag of evidence onto the table. The large green blanket KAYE SHELTON was found wrapped in tumbles out of the package. GRISSOM sets the package aside, then turns to the blanket.)
(He opens the blanket up slowly, looking for anything.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(The Secure Cold Transport Truck drives away. BRASS leans against the wire fence while GRISSOM is busy preparing the experiment.)
Brass: (calls out) So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Grissom: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was d*ad five days.
Brass: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Grissom: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight -- maybe tighter than I realized -- which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Brass: Well, let me ask you this. You k*lled a pig just for this?
Grissom: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Brass: I mean, wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Grissom: Got to be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie. You're on your own pal.
(BRASS turns and leaves.)
DISSOLVE TO:
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM checks the camera and sets it up to record.)
(Dissolve to: In the cold outdoors, GRISSOM sits and watches the progress. He writes in his log book.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM snaps a few photos of the bugs on the pig.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM secures his jacket tighter around himself as he writes in his log book. He looks up.)
(SARA walks up to him, an appreciative smile on her face. She puts her kit down next to his open one. Without a word, she puts her bag down and takes the seat next to GRISSOM.)
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses and SARA hands him the thermos. He uncaps the thermos and she takes out a fresh blanket, which she opens and wraps around his shoulders.)
(He looks at her and smiles.)
Sara: (quietly) Thanks.
(Short time cut to: The camera pans across the area outside the fence and rests on the sign: NO TRESPASSING / VIOLATORS WILL BE - PROSECUTED. Inside the fenced area, GRISSOM and SARA sit and keep watch over their pig.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - OFFICE -- DAY]
(DET. SECULA lingers in the doorway and calls inside.)
Det. Secula: How's the case going?
(NICK turns around and sees her.)
Nick: Hey. d*ad end. How about you?
Det. Secula: Just got a h*t on one of our missing lady's credit cards. A motel.
(She takes a step back out into the hallway. She and NICK head out.)
Nick: Her abductor sold her card or is using it himself. What motel?
Det. Secula: Four Aces.
Nick: That's right around the corner from where we found her car.
Det. Secula: I've got some uniforms meeting us there.
Nick: (smiles) Good job.
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. FOUR ACES --]
(NICK stands with the police outside the motel room door. They open the door.)
Officer: Las Vegas police!
(The officers enter the room. NICK is the last to follow.)
Officer: All right, don't move! OFFICER: Put your hands where I can see them!
(Outside the sounds of helicopter blades are heard overhead. NICK rounds the corner and freezes at what he sees. He glances over at DET. SECULA who doesn't say anything.)
Nick: Are you Sheryl Applegate?
(On the bed is a woman handcuffed to the side. She nods.)
(The OFFICERS push a man in a towel back into the motel room.)
Michael: Oh, whoa, man! Ow! Oh, what's going on here?
Sheryl Applegate: Michael, shut up!
Det. Secula: (amused) Las Vegas police. Your husband reported you missing.
Sheryl Applegate: Can she put that g*n away?
(DET. SECULA puts her g*n away.)
Nick: You, uh ... you haven't been abducted have you, Mrs. Applegate?
Sheryl Applegate: Not really.
Nick: We found evidence of blood in your car.
Sheryl Applegate: I saw an injured dog last week and drove it to the vet.
(DET. SECULA clears her throat.)
Det. Secula: Uh, Nick, let's get out of here.
(NICK nods and clears his throat. He turns to leave the room.)
Sheryl Applegate: Wait! What are you going to tell my husband?
Nick: That you're okay. (laughs) You're going to have to fill in the blanks.
(They leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY looks through the photographs of the pig.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: So the pig's insects matured at a rate consistent with a five-day-old corpse?
(In the office, GRISSOM, SARA, and BRASS talk with SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY.)
Grissom: (nods) Once I took the blanket into account.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Your initial computations were wrong. You went back, adjusted conditions, and proved actual time of death.
Grissom: Five days, not three.
Sara: Which places the victim with her husband who's already guilty as sin.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Captain Brass do you understand Grissom's insect evidence?
Brass: (nods) To a degree. You know ... in a general way.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you think a jury will understand your "adjustments"? Or do you think they'll realize your "conditions" can make the evidence say anything you want it to say?
Grissom: I can make a case to any jury against Scott Shelton for the m*rder of his wife.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Your arresting officer can barely understand it. I read the file. Other than bugs is there anything else?
(GRISSOM shakes his head.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Get something a jury can understand or move on.
(The SHERIFF leaves the office. Camera holds on SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up to the front door.)
Richard Zeigler: Hello.
Catherine: Hello, Mr. Zeigler.
(He sees the painting.)
Richard Zeigler: Oh, good. You brought my Sorenson.
(Inside the house, JASON watches.)
Catherine: Yes.
Richard Zeigler: Good. I'm glad it's back.
Warrick: Nice campus you got there, Jason.
Jason: (off guard) What?
Warrick: We were by your dorm earlier with the police here.
Catherine: We'd like to ask a favor of you Mr. Zeigler. A private viewing of the painting.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. ZEIGLER RESIDENCE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE tests the painting. RICHARD ZEIGLER recognizes the test immediately and reacts to the results.)
Richard Zeigler: My god, my-my ... my Sorenson's a forgery?
Warrick: That's not all, sir.
Richard Zeigler: Wait. I have $10 million worth of forgeries?
Warrick: No, sir. The police recovered your originals from Jason's dorm room today.
Richard Zeigler: What?
(RICHARD turns and looks at JASON, who still hasn't said anything.)
Richard Zeigler: I don't even know you.
Warrick: What, did you have an art major do your fakes for you, Jason?
Catherine: Robbery checked with your school. They actually teach classes in how to copy the Masters.
(JASON nods.)
Jason: My friends helped me out. They didn't know what I was doing with the copies.
Richard Zeigler: And what exactly were you doing?
Warrick: Your son stole all your originals replacing them with forgeries.
Catherine: But, the other night, his little scam was interrupted.
(Quick flashback to: The painting is ripped off of the wall. The hanger and some plaster falls to the floor.)
Warrick: (V.O.) He didn't have time to make the switch.
(Close up of JASON looking behind him at the sound of his father walking down the stairs. He puts the painting down on the floor next to the "fake". He slides it aside and picks up the fake. Cut to: JASON runs out of the room with the fake.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: If the hook hadn't dislodged from your Sorenson you would have spent the rest of your life admiring fakes.
Jason: (laughs) And you never even knew the difference, did you, dad? You're right. You don't know me. Where are your pictures of me? You're too busy staring at your masterpieces, and they're not even real! I'm right here, dad. You don't even see me!
Catherine: (quietly) The police are going to want to know if you're pressing charges this time.
(RICHARD nods.)
RICAHRD ZEIGLER: I am. You want my attention, Jason? You got it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM is leaning against the wall and reading a file. SARA walks up to him.)
Sara: I heard you were going into an autopsy. (upset) How can you just move on to another case? They're laughing at us. You know that, right? They think we're a couple of 'science nerds'. They threw out our findings.
(DAVID walks up to GRISSOM.)
David Phillips: That body should be up in a few minutes, Mr. Grissom.
Grissom: Thank you, David.
(DAVID leaves.)
Grissom: You know, there was a m*rder recently in a village on the other side of the world. Every man in the village denied having any part of it. The victim's throat had been slashed with a shovel. So this one guy -- I guess you could call him a "science nerd" -- asked all the men in the village to bring their shovels to the center of town and hold them spade-side up. And he waited. Eventually, flies started showing up on one specific shovel looking for microscopic bits of blood and flesh.
(SARA nods.)
Sara: "First witness to a crime."
Grissom: The investigator got his m*rder, and...
Sara: ...and forensic science was born. Sung T'su, 1235 A.D. You call 800 years ago recent?
Grissom: To an astronomer, it is. (pause) But then people forgot about forensic science, didn't they? And they had to be reminded again by Francesco Redi in the 1600s.
Sara: And again by Bergeret D'Arbois in the 1800s.
Grissom: Every civilization learns what it needs to know and the next one forgets it. The sheriff ... well... it's not personal.
Sara: We're part of the cycle.
Grissom: Yeah, they laughed at fingerprints 70 years ago, and now it's law.
Sara: Except somebody had to push for prints. And you're standing there saying
"all things in their own time."
Grissom: You're confused, right?
Sara: (shakes her head, then nods) Yes.
Grissom: That's the best place for a scientist to be.
(Behind SARA, GRISSOM sees someone approaching.)
Grissom: My body's here.
(The Coroner's Assistant pushes the gurney between GRISSOM and SARA toward the door. GRISSOM reaches over and lifts up the sheet. SARA looks down.)
Sara: (smiles) Kaye Shelton ...
(She looks at GRISSOM. He smiles at her and motions to the door.)
Grissom: Shall we?
(They push the door open and walk inside, the body on the gurney right behind them.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM, SARA and DR. ROBBINS work on the body.)
Sara: Gave her a bath, huh?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Routine cleaning. We had to do it sometime.
Grissom: Doc, what's this blue mark here?
(GRISSOM looks a the blue mark around the b*llet wound.)
Sara: Why didn't we see this at the autopsy?
Dr. Albert Robbins: It was under a gallon of blood. But the blue's embedded; it won't wash away.
Grissom: Didn't you say the suspect's amm*nit*on was in trace?
Sara: Yeah.
(SARA turns to follow it up.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(SARA opens the envelope from Trace. She removes the report and looks at it.)
Sara: "Lead, copper, zinc ... teflon." (thinks about it) Teflon?
(Cut to: SARA takes out a b*llet and looks at it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
(SARA test fires the b*llet.)
(Camera follows the b*llet in slow motion as it fires out of the g*n and impacts its target. Resume to normal.)
(SARA walks up to the target and checks it. There's blue residue around the hole.)
(Cut to: SARA looks into the scope. And smiles.)
(GRISSOM walks into the lab. SARA stands up and points to the scope.)
Grissom: And? So?
Sara: Strand of hair from our lady in the mountains.
(GRISSOM sits down and looks into the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of hair with blue stuff on it.]
Sara: The blue dust from around her entrance wound -- that's from the b*llet's impact. It's made of teflon. Now look at the next specimen.
(GRISSOM stands up and moves to the next scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of b*llet]
Sara: The b*llet is from Scott's personal a*mo supply which I test-fired. See, the teflon disintegrated into blue powder at the moment of impact.
(Quick flashback to: KAYE SHELTON is slammed against the wall.)
Scott Sheldon: You're gonna leave me? Is that what you think?!
Kaye Shelton: No, Scott, no!
(SCOTT grabs KAYE from behind.)
Scott Sheldon: And all the guys are gonna see a woman walk out on me?
Kaye Shelton: (screaming) No! Scott, no!
Scott Sheldon: You just try...
(He puts the g*n up against her temple and fires.)
(Camera follows the b*llet through the g*n barrel and up to the temple where it leaves a smoking hole.)
(Cut to: SCOTT grabs the blanket off of the couch and wraps KAYE'S body in it, leaving a small piece of fiber on the hallway floor. He wraps her in the blanket.)
(Cut to: SCOTT drags her down the floor.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: You did very good. (SARA beams.) But this is just more circumstantial evidence. We're a long way from a conviction.
Sara: But we can bury him under evidence. You're the one who's always saying it's better to have one piece of forensic evidence than ten eyewitnesses.
Grissom: (stares at her) What, do you tape everything I say? (SARA shrugs.)
You still have to educate the jury.
Sara: (counters) On b*ll*ts. It's got to be easier than bugs. (GRISSOM smiles) (b*at) Less Latin.
(SARA smiles. It's too contagious. GRISSOM smiles, too.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(BRASS puts the handcuffs on SCOTT SHELTON.)
Brass: You know, I been waiting three days to do this. No, make that five days. Let's go.
(BRASS escorts SCOTT SHELTON out the door. GRISSOM watches from the side. THE PUBLIC DEFENDER looks over at GRISSOM.)
(Satisfied, GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(Under DR. ROBBINS' watchful eyes, SARA puts the sheet back over KAYE SHELTON and pushes her body back into storage.)
(DR. ROBBINS closes the door.)
(SARA stands there and watches as DR. ROBBINS tapes the note onto the storage door:
RELEASE FOR BURIAL
DATE OF BIRTH: 9/24/72
DATE OF DEATH: 12/ 6/00
DATE OF RELEASE: 12/15/00
(Camera holds on SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM is going through his things when SARA walks into the office.)
Sara: Hi.
(He looks up at SARA.)
Grissom: Hi.
Sara: I checked out Warrick. His story about missing court was, uh ... lame. I got this surveillance tape from the Monaco. He was in the casino.
(SARA gives the tape to GRISSOM.)
Sara: I'm sorry.
(GRISSOM looks at SARA, then looks back down at the tape.)
Grissom: Thanks.
(SARA turns and leaves the office. GRISSOM slowly sits down in his chair with the tape in his hand.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x10 - Sex, Lies and Larvae"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
Narrator (William Petersen): Previously on CSI:
[Scene from 1X01: Pilot]
(In the hospital room, NICK pushes the curtain aside to talk to KRISTY HOPKINS who sits on the bed.)
Nick: May I see your discoloration?
Kristy Hopkins: You want to give me twenty bucks?
Nick: You want to do time?
(Cut to: NICK looks at KRISTY'S "discoloration. He looks at her and smiles.)
CUT TO:
[Scenes from 1X10: Sex, Lies and Larvae.]
(As WARRICK and CATHERINE process the Sorenson, WARRICK'S pager beeps. He checks it.)
Warrick: You know what, I got to be somewhere. Can you handle this from here?
Catherine: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY]
Conrad Ecklie: Warrick Brown had one of my guys sub for him in court, but I have it on good authority that he was gambling.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
Grissom: I need you to do some background for me on Warrick.
Sara: Warrick? Your favorite CSI.
Grissom: That's why I want you to handle it so that Ecklie can't accuse me of favoritism.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT]
Sara: I got this surveillance tape. He was in the casino. I'm sorry.
WHITE FLASH TO: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. MARTY'S MARKET - DAY]
(Camera moves low and fast along the main aisle. It turns up into an aisle and stops in front of the wheels of a shopping cart as it moves directly toward the camera.)
WOMan Over P.A.: Manager to register two, please. Manager to register two.
(The woman turns the aisle and heads into the fruits and vegetables section. She fills up a bag and continues shopping.)
(Cut to: The woman grabs a bag of buns and puts it into the cart. The camera keeps on the woman as she shops. She turns into an aisle and stops where she reaches up and grabs a Sun Valley mustard bottle. She drops the bottle. It falls into the aisle and breaks, spilling mustard on the floor.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MARTY'S MARKET (#19331) - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT]
(Sirens blare and police car lights flash. GRISSOM makes his way toward the market entrance. The doors open and he walks inside.)
[INT. MARTY'S MARKET - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS turns around to see GRISSOM. They make their way toward the aisle.)
Brass: Well, if it isn't the boss himself! Where's your E-street band?
Grissom: They had another gig. How you doing, Jim? How's your old job?
Brass: Ah, I can sling scum all day long. You?
Grissom: I curse more.
Brass: Oh, yeah? Well, wait. The shopping cart's over here. The missing woman is Margaret Shorey. Lives with her sister. Went out to get groceries; never came home. Car's still in the parking lot.
(The STORE MANAGER walks up to the cart. GRISSOM puts his kit down on the floor. He walks up to the cart and looks inside the purse.)
Grissom: And her purse is still in the cart. With no wallet.
Brass: Maybe she left the purse as a marker.
Grissom: Chicken soup, ice packs ... pain reliever ...
Brass: Sister broke her wrist in a car wreck.
Grissom: Hot dogs, hot dog buns ...
Brass: Junk-food junkie.
(GRISSOM looks on the bottom of the cart and sees something yellow stuck to the bottom rail. He uses his finger to get a dollop of it which he smells, then tastes. BRASS watches and grimaces.)
Brass: Oh, that's sanitary.
Grissom: Mustard.
(GRISSOM turns around and look at the mustard on the shelf.)
Grissom: (to the STORE MANAGER) Did you have any mop-ups in this aisle today?
Store Manager: Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, we did.
Grissom: Life holds no surprises.
(GRISSOM turns around and takes a mustard bottle off of the shelf. He digs into his pocket to pay for it and hands the money to the STORE MANAGER.)
Grissom: $1.98 for the mustard ... plus, my two cents.
(GRISSOM holds the bottle over the aisle and drops it, shattering it in front of BRASS.)
Brass: What are you doing?
Grissom: Now, where would you go?
CUT TO:
[INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM pushes the bathroom stall door open while BRASS sits on the basin and tries to get the mustard stains off of the cuff of his pants.)
(GRISSOM looks around the bathroom.)
Brass: (groans) Oh, man ...
Grissom: Hey, Brass, look at this.
Brass: What?
Grissom: You see this?
(GRISSOM holds the bathroom stall door open and looks at the inside of the stall door. BRASS gets up; the STORE MANAGER steps closer.)
Brass: See what?
Grissom: This circumference? Looks like somebody did a brillo job on it.
Brass: All I see is a clean door.
Grissom: You know anything about this?
Store Manager: Yeah, he's right -- we cleaned it up today. I had a complaint. Kids are always writing crazy stuff on bathroom doors. So I had one of my employees scrub it off.
Grissom: Could I borrow a hammer?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT]
(The camera snaps. " ... ED 5 WOMEN ... ")
(Inside the lab, GRISSOM processes the bathroom stall door which removed from the market. BRASS stands next to the door and holds the light on it revealing the message under neath.)
I've k*lled ... (camera snaps) ...
.... Catch ... (camera snaps ) ...
... me ... (camera snaps) ...
... can ... (camera snaps) ... ? ... (camera snaps) ...
(Short time cut to: GRISSOM puts the photos up on the board., piecing the message together.)
Grissom: (reading) "Iv'e k*lled 5 women. Catch me if you can?"
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CSI - NIGHT]
(The camera moves along the hallway and through the lab on its way to the break room where the CSIs gather to wait for their assignments.)
Grissom: Hey.
(GRISSOM opens the door and walk into the break room.)
Grissom: Hey, kids. All right, listen, hey, I got to jet.
Catherine: Hi.
Grissom: Sara Sidle. 419.
(GRISSOM hands the assignment sheet to SARA.)
Sara: d*ad body-- bonus.
Catherine: Whoa, somebody likes their job.
Grissom: Nick Stokes-- 416, fight at the Bellagio. She says she's a "friend" of yours.
Catherine: Ex-girlfriend, Nick?
Nick: Well, that depends. Was she the as*ault or the as*ault?
Sara: You tell us -- you like leather or lace?
Nick: (chuckles) No, I'm not even going there.
(He turns and heads out the door ... then it hits him.)
Nick: Lace.
(SARA looks up and smiles widely at him.)
Grissom: Catherine, you have a 418 -- an obituary on a stall door. I'll meet you in the garage but first, I've got to take care of Warrick.
Catherine: Oh, no. What are you going to do?
(CATHERINE stands up and gets her things. She passes GRISSOM on her way out.)
Grissom: I don't know.
(CATHERINE leaves. SARA lingers.)
Sara: I filed my report.
Grissom: I read it.
(Not getting more, SARA rolls her eyes and leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK is in the locker room getting dressed. GRISSOM peers in to the locker room and finding WARRICK, lingers in the doorway.)
Grissom: Hey.
Warrick: Hey. I missed assignments; I know. I'm running late. What did I pull?
(Steps into the locker room.)
Grissom: How was court the other day?
Warrick: I handed it off to Michovitch, from days. Uh, I told Sara.
Grissom: Yeah, because you had, uh, "personal business."
(GRISSOM looks a the file in his hand.)
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK turns around and sees GRISSOM holding the file and the video tape.)
Warrick: What's that?
Grissom: You ... at the Monaco casino.
Warrick: What? I don't believe this. Now you're pulling up film on me?
Grissom: Casinos tape everyone who walks through their door, Warrick, you know that. I thought we had a deal.
Warrick: We do.
Grissom: Look, what you do on your time is nobody's business. What you do on my time is my business.
(WARRICK sighs and sits down.)
Warrick: I was at the casino. But I wasn't gambling.
(GRISSOM sits down on the bench next to WARRICK to listen to what he has to say.)
CUT TO:
[INT. BERLIN RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(The OFFICER takes KENNY BERLIN'S statement. In the back, SARA walks in and puts her kit down. The photographer walks in behind her.)
Officer: Okay, Rubio's Restaurant.
(SARA walks into the room and looks at the crime scene in front of her.)
Sara: (to the photographer) Get me a picture of the body ... the items on the bedsheet ... the window ... the drafting table.
(The camera shutter clicks.)
Sara: Everything on the floor.
(She takes another look around the room, then turns to talk with the DETECTIVE.)
Sara: Sara Sidle, crime scene investigation. And you are ... ?
Kenny Berlin: (crying) I'm ... Kenny Berlin. That's my brother. I'm the one who found him.
Sara: Sorry for your loss. (SARA turns to look around the room.) You want to tell me what happened here?
Kenny Berlin: I don't ... I don't know. I came... I came walking in the door, I saw my brother lying there ... stuff everywhere. All I could think was that ...
(Quick flashback to: Someone breaks the glass window and steps into the room. As the thief tosses the room, JEFF BERLINE walks in and interrupts him.)
Jeff Berlin: Hey!
(The thief looks up and sees JEFF. He lifts the g*n and fires. JEFF BERLINE falls to the floor.)
(White flash to: KENNY BERLIN walks into the room and finds his brother on the floor.)
Kenny Berlin: Hey, Jeff?
(He looks around and sees the room a mess. He rushes to the phone and dials.)
Kenny Berlin: (V.O.) I-I called 9-1-1
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kenny Berlin: ... and then you guys showed up, and...
Detective: (to KENNY BERLIN) Thank you.
(He and SARA step aside.)
Detective: There have been several burglaries in the neighborhood; all benign.
Sara: Nothing benign about two $20s screaming, "take me" on the bar.
Detective: Maybe he missed it?
Sara: Yeah, well, it's hard to miss all that high-tech computer equipment. There's got to be five, ten grand there. First thing I'd take.
Detective: He was interrupted.
Sara: Before or after he used a bedsheet to transport the silverware? Pillowcases are the norm, you know that. Something's not right.
(SARA walks away.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. BELLAGIO -- NIGHT]
(NICK walks up to the police officer.)
Nick: Gentlemen, Nick Stokes. I'm here for the 416; something about a "special request."
Officer Pratt: Don't ask me. Go ask Catherine Zeta Jones over there.
Nick: Over where?
(They point.)
Nick: Thanks.
(NICK heads there.)
Nick: Excuse me ... ma'am?
(The woman with the short hair waits impatiently, her back turned to them. When NICK calls out to her, she turns around. It's KRISTY HOPKINS. NICK recognizes her immediately.)
Kristy Hopkins: Oh, Nick, hey ...
Nick: You got to be kidding me.
Kristy Hopkins: Oh, you probably don't recognize me with the shorter hair. My nipples are all better, you want to see?
Nick: Yeah, yeah, Kristy Hopkins, what are you doing here?
Security Guard: (interrupting) I'll tell you what she's doing here-- she's cruising.
Kristy Hopkins: No, I'm in here, minding my own business shopping for a dress spending my hard-earned money! (NICK reacts to that comment; she corrects herself.) Okay, semi-hard-earned money. When Squiggy over here starts harassing me saying he doesn't want my type in here. He grabs my arm, cops a feel then he spit on me, so I slugged him!
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa ... he spit on you?
Security Guard: Wait, you're not listening to this? This is such a crock.
Kristy Hopkins: Oh, I'll show you ...
(KRISTY and the SECURITY GUARD start yelling at each other.)
Nick: All right, all right, break it up! Ease up! Ease up!
(OFFICER PRATT pulls the SECURITY GUARD aside; NICK pulls KRISTY aside.)
Security Guard: Hey, hey, I'm pressing charges! I don't care who you know!
Nick: Kristy!
Kristy Hopkins: What?!
Officer Pratt: They're right -- I've got to take her in.
Nick: (to OFFICER PRATT) Just give me a minute, will you? (NICK pulls KRISTY to the side.) Get over here! I need your shirt.
(KRISTY stares at NICK.)
Kristy Hopkins: Why is it every time we meet you're wanting me to take my clothes off?
Nick: Because every time we meet you put yourself in a position where you have to take them off.
CUT TO:
[INT. BERLIN RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(SARA talks with KENNY BERLIN.)
Sara: Using your arms -- how big's a whale?
(KENNY BERLIN spreads his arms out to show her.)
Sara: Now freeze, don't move. (She positions his arms straight out.) Up.
(SARA starts examining KENNY'S clothing.)
Kenny Berlin: What are you doing?
Sara: Checking for blood spatter.
Kenny Berlin: (surprised) What blood? Am I a suspect?
Sara: This is what I do. This is how I eliminate you as a suspect.
Officer: I'll take that for you.
(SARA hands the OFFICER her flashlight. She leans in close and finds something on the cuff of KENNY'S pants.)
Sara: Well, that's good news; no blood, bud.
(In the background, a camera flashes. SARA reaches into her kit to take a sample of what she finds in the cuff of his pants. She puts it in a bindle.)
Sara: I am going to need you to strip, though.
Kenny Berlin: Right here?
Sara: Don't be shy on my account. But if you are, this nice detective will accompany you to the bedroom.
(SARA puts it in her kit and stands up.)
Sara: Oh, and, uh, I'm going to need to take your window with me, too.
(SARA pulls the warrant from her jacket pocket.)
Sara: It's all in the warrant.
(KENNY looks at the paper in SARA'S hand, then takes it. SARA turns and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT]
(DR. RAMBAR examines the photographs of the writing on the bathroom stall door. He explains his findings to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.)
Dr. Rabar: The person who wrote this is left-handed.
Grissom: And we know that because...?
Dr. Rabar: The "t-bar" in "catch," it's left-tending. And uneducated ... the contraction in "IV'E" is misplaced. Then we have the large, arched hood in the letter "Y" and the arches in the bottom of the "L's." This indicates criminal tendency which is supported by the heavy pastiosity which suggests low impulse control.
Catherine: Heavy pastiosity?
Dr. Rabar: The pressure -- how firmly you put pen to paper.
Grissom: Or marker to metal. Do we know anything else?
Dr. Rabar: Yes. Overall, the handwriting is cursive and round. This tells me it was written by a woman.
(This information surprises both GRISSOM and CATHERINE.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. BERLIN RESIDENCE - DAY]
(SARA is in the residence cutting the window out of the wall. WARRICK walks up to her and puts his bag down.)
Warrick: Damn! Taking the whole window.
(SARA shuts off the saw and looks at WARRICK.)
Sara: Grissom reinstated you.
Warrick: And you have a problem with that.
Sara: Let me guess. Grissom gets you to dime yourself off and now you both feel better? You're supposed to be in court. Instead, you're placing bets for a cheap thrill to satisfy nothing.
Warrick: Hey! This has nothing to do with you. So are we going to work together ... or not?
Sara: I'm already working.
(SARA turns around and starts the saw. WARRICK sighs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(GRISSOM is in the lab working when SARA walks into the room.)
Sara: (abruptly) You weren't in your office.
Grissom: And good morning to you, too, Miss Sidle.
Sara: Warrick has a problem. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. You asked me for a report and then you disregard my recommendation.
Grissom: I read your report.
Sara: So you feel comfortable jeopardizing a unit to placate an addict?
Grissom: I see the whole puzzle, Sara. You're only seeing one piece.
Sara: Then at least take him off my case.
Grissom: No. I trust him. Do you trust me?
(The door opens and CATHERINE calls out excitedly to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Grissom. (She looks and realizes that SARA'S in the room.) I've got something you'll want to see.
(GRISSOM looks at SARA, clears his throat, grabs his folder and heads out the room leaving SARA alone in the lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk down the hallway.)
Catherine: You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?
Grissom: Father, son, holy ghost?
Catherine: Victim, suspect, crime scene.
Grissom: That one, huh?
Catherine: Right. Well, we don't have a victim. We don't have a suspect. All we have is a crime scene -- the restroom at Marty's Market with the message, "I k*lled five women." So, I figured there had to be four others.
(GRISSOM stops.)
Grissom: You found the other four victims?
(CATHERINE keeps walking and turns around to look at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: No. I found the four other crime scenes.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(Set up against the garage wall are five bathroom stall doors.)
Catherine: Brass ran our case through VICAP.
(They step up to look at the stall doors.)
Catherine: I made a few calls ...
(GRISSOM steps up to the doors and reads them one by one.)
Grissom: (reading) "Iv'e k*lled 1 woman." Victorville. Salt Lake City -- "Iv'e k*lled 2 women. Catch me if you can?" San Bernardino -- "Iv'e k*lled 3 women ... " "Iv'e k*lled 4 women. Catch me!" Mesquite. "...5 women... " Las Vegas.
Catherine: Five stall doors from five supermarket rest rooms. Five missing women, including Margaret Shorey.
Grissom: What else do you know about the crime scenes?
Catherine: Just like Marty's Market -- there was no physical evidence indicating that the women were k*lled there.
Grissom: Which means they were probably alive when these messages were written making these messages of intention, not fact.
(They stop and look at the stall doors, thinking.)
Grissom: What if we shuffle these doors like Pai Gow tiles?
(GRISSOM moves forward and moves the doors around, putting them in a different order. When he's done, he steps back.)
Grissom: San Bernardino, California. Victorville, California. Las Vegas, Nevada. Mesquite, Nevada. Salt Lake City, Utah.
(As he reads the stall doors by locations, a red road map highway line appears over them with a large circle indicating the city through the red line.)
Catherine: (realizing) Interstate 15. God knows I've driven it enough times.
Grissom: (nods) So has our suspect.
(Camera holds on the door with the road map of Interstate 15 drawn over it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY]
(GREG hops down from the counter.)
Greg Sanders: Okay, dude, it's ready.
(GREG removes the board he was sitting on.)
Greg Sanders: So this paper should have soaked up any foreign material on the shirt particularly amylase.
(GREG hands the paper to NICK and indicates the hook on the hood for him to hang the paper up on.)
Greg Sanders: Now, I've done this procedure on jeans and leather jackets but never on something like this. It's very see-through. Very Jennifer Lopez.
Nick: Down, boy. What can you tell me? Is there saliva on it?
Greg Sanders: It's going to be a tough one to prove. This is only step one. You see, when a person talks saliva naturally comes out of their mouth. Let's say that we're tossing the hog back and forth, right?
(As GREG talks, the camera makes note of the saliva that comes out of his mouth naturally in illustration of what he just said.)
Greg Sanders: What can you tell me about the hottie that goes inside this blouse, huh? Is it true she's a friend of yours?
Nick: What, is it on the internet? Might as well be. Just remember that.
Greg Sanders: My saliva's getting on you; your saliva's getting on me.
Nick: Gross.
(GREG moves to the side toward the paper. He grabs a spray pump and sprays it on the paper.)
Nick: What's that stuff?
Greg Sanders: Starch and iodine. If this is saliva, we're going to get the old dalmatian effect. So, Nick, uh, if I wanted to meet this friend of yours ... ?
Nick: No.
Greg Sanders: Figured.
(GREG sprays the paper.)
Greg Sanders: That's a pretty big spot. That's more than just a spray. In fact, looks like a distinct glob of spit.
Nick: Then Kristy was telling the truth. But it doesn't mean it was the security guard's spit.
Greg Sanders: Step three.
Nick: I'm going to need a sample.
Greg Sanders: Well, the guy knows he did it. He's not going to cough it up.
Nick: If you saw the girl that went with this blouse ... you'd try.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK interview KENNY BERLIN.)
Kenny Berlin: You found what on my pants?
Sara: Glass. Any idea how it got there?
Kenny Berlin: Well, it's just a guess but someone broke into my car last weekend and smashed my window and made off with my CD player. So I must've been wearing those pants.
Sara: Did you file a police report?
Kenny Berlin: No, but you can check with my insurance company.
Sara: I already checked with my lab. They do this test, and guess what? The glass -- it floated.
Warrick: You know what that means?
Kenny Berlin: No.
Warrick: It means the glass on your pants and the glass from your living room window have equal densities.
Kenny Berlin: Sorry. I was never very good at science.
Warrick: The glass didn't come from any car window. That's science.
Sara: Anything else you'd like to tell us?
Kenny Berlin: Look, it's like I told you. I walked in the house ...
(Quick flashback to: KENNY walks into the room and sees his brother d*ad on the floor. He grabs the phone and makes the phone call.)
Kenny Berlin: (V.O.) ... and I thought ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kenny Berlin: "They're coming back, and they're going to k*ll me, too."
(Quick flashback to: KENNY'S inside the house.)
Kenny Berlin: (V.O.) I heard a noise, and I walked to the window.
(KENNY walks over to the window and looks outside. He brushes up against the glass on the table. Some of it falls down to the floor in front of him, possibly inside the cuff of his pants.)
Kenny Berlin: (V.O.) That must be when I got the glass in my pants.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kenny Berlin: Look, somebody really did break into my car, okay? And I just remembered all that stuff just now. So, am I in trouble?
Warrick: You're free to go.
Sara: No, he's not.
Warrick: We're not cops; we can't hold him.
Sara: Just one more question. What do you do for a living?
Kenny Berlin: I'm a day trader.
Sara: You make a lot of money doing that?
Kenny Berlin: That's two questions.
Sara: Feel free to answer it anyway.
Kenny Berlin: Yeah, you can.
(KENNY heads for the door.)
Sara: (pushing) But you don't, right?
(KENNY doesn't answer and walks out of the room. The door closes and SARA sits down.)
Warrick: Showed him all your cards. Sucker play.
Sara: I was playing him. Cops ran Kenny's financials. He lost a pot in the market. Had a ton of margin calls. I'm surprised you didn't tag him as a fellow gambler.
Warrick: (sighs) Oh, you just don't let up, do you?
Sara: It's a flaw.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM walks out of the office and into the hallway where CATHERINE'S waiting for him.)
Catherine: I'll flip you to see who drives.
Grissom: Where we going?
Catherine: Moapa.
Grissom: What's in Moapa?
Catherine: Besides the I-15?
CUT TO:
[EXT. MOAPA - DAY]
[EXT. MOAPA -- DAY]
(Off to the side of the highway, a crime scene is being worked on. The SUV drives up, GRISSOM gets out of the car and BRASS meets up with him.)
Brass: So my guys tell me that your guy Nick is helping a working girl at a five-star and it was quite a commotion.
Grissom: Really?
Brass: And if I know, it means a lot of other people know. People bigger than you and me. A kid from a crime lab doing favors for a hooker can't make the unit look too good, huh, boss?
Grissom: Yeah, well, I'll get into it.
Brass: I bet that's just what Nicky said.
(CATHERINE walks past them and toward the crime scene.)
Catherine: You two ladies done talking? It's hot out here.
Brass: That kid over there started to take a leak.
(Quick flashback to: The legs of the body on the ground, her ankles have restraint marks on them.)
Brass: (V.O.) Found the body.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE, GRISSOM and BRASS look at the body.)
Catherine: Well, it's not Margaret. This one's a blonde.
Grissom: And blue. This is bizarre. The body's cold.
Brass: In this heat?
Grissom: And she's stiff -- like a two-minute burrito that's only been nuked for a minute.
WHITE FLASH TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(DR. WILLIAMS goes over her findings with CATHERINE and GRISSOM.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: Meet Joan Sims from San Bernardino, California. We've been getting acquainted.
Catherine: (reading) Missing woman number one -- disappeared from a supermarket restroom last July.
Dr. Jenna Williams: Cause of death was strangulation. I found ligature marks on the wrists and the ankles. That was the easy part. This one's weird. Like I-may-use-her-in-a-lecture weird. (b*at) Her decomp is completely backwards. It's supposed to begin on the inside but her organs are in better shape than her skin. Take a look at this.
(DR. WILLIAMS leads them over to the scope she has set up on the side counter.)
Dr. Jenna Williams: I took tissue samples from her heart.
[SCOPE VIEW of the heart tissue]
Grissom: Looks like the planet krypton.
Dr. Jenna Williams: More like kryptonite. Those are actually ice crystals, Superman. You want to know why she's blue? Cold to the touch in the middle of the desert? This lady was frozen -- kept on ice until approximately 12 hours ago.
(She steps aside. GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE, both of them processing this information.)
Catherine: I-15? Refrigerated?
Grissom: That's how she was transported from San Bernardino to Vegas -- in a refrigerated truck. That's our crime scene.
(b*at)
Grissom: And it's mobile.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI -- DAY]
(GRISSOM looks up and sees something.)
Grissom: Hey, Nick, I been looking for you.
(He meets up with NICK in the hallway, catching him on his way through.)
Grissom: This girl you've been helping with the 416 .. .?
Nick: She got in a fight with a Security Guard.
Grissom: Is she a friend of yours?
Nick: (surprised and offended) Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?
Grissom: Are you doing anything that could compromise the unit?
Nick: I don't believe this. You've always been so cool.
Grissom: I have to ask. It's part of the job.
Nick: Sanders ratted me out, right?
Grissom: No, Brass. Do you want to talk about this?
Nick: I don't think so.
(NICK turns and heads down the hallway leaving GRISSOM behind. He passes CATHERINE on his way out. He bumps into her, holds up a hand in apology and without a word, keeps going.)
Catherine: (to NICK) Excuse you. (to GRISSOM) What's his problem?
Grissom: Me, I guess. Did you find out anything?
Catherine: Brass got us a list of all the refrigerated trucks that made deliveries to the market yesterday.
(She points to something on the clipboard she hands GRISSOM.)
Catherine: There's a female trucker on it.
(GRISSOM smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK conduct an experiment. WARRICK swings the baseball bat and breaks the glass.)
Sara: (smiles) Not bad. I'm impressed.
Warrick: Yeah, passed up a chance to play semipro ball. Went to college instead.
(SARA picks up a sliver of glass and passes WARRICK.)
Sara: I meant the Haeckel marks. Should tell us what we need to know.
(SARA puts the glass under the scope and compares it with the glass at the crime scene.)
Sara: This is the glass you line-drived.
Warrick: That's the glass you "sawzalled."
[SCOPE VIEW of the two glass edges side by side]
Sara: Right angles face the same direction. Take a look.
(SARA steps aside. WARRICK looks at her.)
Warrick: Oh, now I'm worthy?
Sara: Just take a damn look.
(WARRICK looks through the scope.)
CUT TO:
[INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
Kenny Berlin: That's crazy. I loved my brother.
Warrick: Maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but we think you m*rder him.
Kenny Berlin: Based on what?
Warrick: The evidence.
Kenny Berlin: What evidence?!
Sara: You ever heard of Haeckel marks?
Kenny Berlin: No.
Warrick: When a window is broken from the outside which is what a burglar would do ...
(Quick CGI of a bat swinging to the right and a plate of glass shattering. Camera zooms in to the edge of a glass break.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... Haeckel marks form right angles to the inside of the window.
(End of CGI. Resume to present.)
Warrick: But when a window is broken from the inside which is what a Peckerwood like you would do
(Quick CGI of a bat swinging and a plate of glass shattering. Camera zooms in to the edge of the glass break.)
Warrick: (V.O.) ... Haeckel marks form right angles to the outside of the window.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(KENNY swallows. SARA leans in close.)
Sara: What did you use to break the window, Kenny?
Kenny Berlin: I didn't use anything. I didn't do it. (exhales) I want a lawyer.
(SARA turns around and looks at WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK and SARA walk out into the hallway)
Warrick: Well, we know he did it.
Sara: We can't prove it, but we got a motive.
Warrick: He needed the money.
Sara: Okay, let's say k*lling his brother would get it for him.
Warrick: We're back to how do we prove it?
Sara: He's a day trader -- spends all day on his computer. If we want to know more about him that's where we should be looking.
Warrick: And his computer is ... ?
Sara: Still at the house.
Warrick: Still at the house. Well, we got probable cause.
Sara: Why don't we go get a ... ?
Warrick: Why don't you go get a new warrant?
(SARA nods and they leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(NICK walks to the office door and peers inside. GRISSOM is working at his desk and doesn't notice NICE. Suddenly, from up above, something starts singing.)
FISH ABOVE DOOR: (singing) I want to know / can you help me, help me ...
(GRISSOM looks up and sees NICK standing there. NICK looks up at the fish hanging above the door, its tail wagging as it sings.)
Grissom: That's my "Big Mouth Billy Bass." It's better than a watchdog. I got valuable stuff in here, you know.
FISH ABOVE DOOR: (singing) Drop me in the water ...
(NICK walks into the office and closes the door.)
Nick: Yeah, I bet there are a lot of people looking to steal your two-headed scorpion. Not to mention "Miss Piggy."
(NICK taps on the jar of the preserved pig fetus on the shelf.)
Nick: I was out of line earlier. I'm not sleeping with her, if it helps any.
Grissom: It does.
Nick: And, for the record she wasn't working -- she was shopping. And the security guard was a jerk, man. He pushed her around, then he spit on her. That's why she lost it.
Grissom: That sounds pretty straightforward. Why don't you put a rookie on it?
Nick: I can't. There's something about her. Looking at her. She doesn't have anybody else. I had Sanders run a test on the shirt. There's saliva on it but the problem is, I can't get a match. The security guard refuses to give me a sample.
Grissom: "If Muhammad won't go to the mountain then the mountain must go to Muhammad." Think about it.
(NICK smiles and nods.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- BREAK ROOM]
(The SECURITY GUARD puts the coffee cup on the table.)
Nick: Black, no sugar.
Security Guard: Yeah, thanks.
Nick: Like I said on the phone I don't want to seem biased here. This girl's nothing to me. She's a hooker.
Security Guard: Yeah, but you do know her.
Nick: Yeah, professionally. But my profession, not hers. I cut her some slack a while back. She's bad news but she's a babe.
Security Guard: Tell me about it. (He chuckles.)
Nick: Yeah, between you and me, I should have busted her, but I thought I might get lucky.
Security Guard: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah. Next time she gets in a jam she throws my name out. My boss not pleased. So ... (he clears his throat) Tell me what you think. (NICK takes out a pen and paper.) I want you to write down your own statement seal it up in this envelope and I'll hand deliver it to the DA. It'll be good for both of us.
Security Guard: (takes the pen) Yeah. Thanks, man.
Nick: No problem. Us guys have got to stick together, right? That's right.
Security Guard: That's right. Yeah.
(The SECURITY GUARD takes the pen and starts writing. NICK stands up and gets himself a cup of coffee while keeping a watchful eye on the SECURITY GUARD.)
(The SECURITY GUARD finishes and puts it in the envelope. He licks the envelope. NICK smiles.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ROADWAY -- DAY]
(The FEMALE TRUCKER speaks with GRISSOM.)
Female Trucker: Of course I graduated high school. Hey, if this is going to take forever I could lay a urine sample on you, too gratis.
Grissom: A writing sample will be sufficient, thank you.
Female Trucker: What's that going to tell you -- whether I was writing under the influence?
(CATHERINE walks over and hands the woman some paper and something to write on.)
Catherine: Do yourself a favor.
Female Trucker: Yes, ma'am. Now, what is it that you want me to write?
Catherine: "I've got a kite. Can you see the women? k*ll the lights."
Female Trucker: That's what you want me to write?
(CATHERINE gives her a pen.)
Catherine: Three times.
(The FEMALE TRUCKER moves off to the side to write.)
Catherine: Caucasian female with only a high school education and left-handed.
(The FEMALE TRUCKER finishes; BRASS takes the sample.)
Brass: You can keep the pen as a souvenir.
(He gives it to CATHERINE. She looks at the sample, then heads for the car.)
Catherine: I'll be right back.
Female Trucker: Hey, come on! You're making me late.
(She starts after CATHERINE.)
Brass: Hey, hey, hey.
(BRASS grabs her and pulls her back to rest against the car.)
Brass: Two cheeks on the car. There you go.
(GRISSOM and BRASS ... and everyone ... waits while CATHERINE faxes the writing sample over to the lab.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(DR. RAMBAR receives the fax and compares the handwriting to the stall door photos. He circles the comparison points and holds up the paper to the photos.)
(Cut back to: CATHERINE is on the phone.)
Catherine: (on phone) Okay, thanks. (hangs up) (shakes her head) She's not the one.
Female Trucker: So, did I win something?
Catherine: The right to keep on trucking.
(The FEMALE TRUCKER laughs. BRASS holds up her truck keys.)
Brass: Here you go, bubba.
Female Trucker: Hey, we're outta here!
Grissom: You know, I'm starting to think that maybe we should be looking for a man. Only three percent of multiple K*llers are female. And a woman wouldn't need a trophy. And a body on ice is definitely a trophy.
Catherine: Well, Ms. Hard-ass travels with her boyfriend. I bet you a lot of guys travel with their girlfriends.
Grissom: What if it was a man with a woman who would do anything he asked?
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE drive the SUV back into the parking lot. They pass NICK, who is talking with KRISTY HOPKINS next to her car.)
Nick: "Us guys have to stick together, right?" He said, "right. You the man!"
(She laughs.)
Nick: So, I mean, I could have used an STR-DNA but it's too state-of-the-art; it's overkill. So I used an HLA-DQ A1, with a ... polymarker.
(She nods as if she understand, but NICK realizes that he's lost her.)
Kristy Hopkins: That's-that's very, very interesting.
(She leans against the open car door and smiles at him.)
Nick: (smiles) You don't care about this at all, do you?
Kristy Hopkins: No. (chuckles) ... but to be honest with you, all I really care about is whether the charges against me are going to be dropped. (pauses)
Are they?
(NICK takes a moment and let's her wait for his answer.)
Nick: DA threw out the case.
Kristy Hopkins: Great. (chuckles) (deadpans) So I can shoplift at that boutique again? (NICK reacts to that statement.) (she laughs and grabs his shirt) I was kidding, I was kidding. Besides, they never have any good sales there, anyway. (chuckles)
(They stop laughing. Both standing incredibly close to the other.)
Kristy Hopkins: I'd invite you out for coffee, it's probably a bad idea, huh?
Nick: Yeah.
Kristy Hopkins: Yeah. But I can call you sometime, you know just in case I ever get into trouble or something.
Nick: (smiles) Maybe you should try not getting into trouble. You do owe me one.
Kristy Hopkins: (seriously) I owe you two.
(She stands up and leans in to kiss NICK on the cheek. NICK takes a breath and a step back from her.)
Nick: You know where to find me.
(He nods and walks away. KRISTY watches NICK leave. She smiles, then finally gets into her car.)
CUT TO:
[INT. BERLIN RESIDENCE - DAY]
(The DETECTIVE is on the phone. SARA and WARRICK walk into the living room.)
Detective: (on phone) Is that right? (hangs up) Your boy Kenny just lawyered up.
Warrick: Well, we got a warrant so that should give us the room for the night.
(SARA sits at the desk and turns the computer on. Nothing happens.)
Sara: There's something wrong with it.
Warrick: Computers turn on. When they don't, it's for a reason. Did you plug it in?
Sara: The power light's on.
Warrick: Really?
(WARRICK grabs the unit.)
Warrick: Let me check it out.
(He opens up the case and stops at what he finds inside.)
Warrick: Well, he's a sneaky S.O.B. I'll give him that.
(SARA stands up and looks inside.)
Sara: Oh, no one is going to believe this.
(WARRICK snaps a photo.)
Warrick: All right.
(SARA picks up the g*n and looks at the handle.)
Warrick: Let me see that flashlight. There's scratches all over it.
Sara: Nothing really special about them.
Warrick: And the hotshot takes another strike. Check it out. Not enough to cause even a small scratch on your finger, but more than enough to use as a basis of comparison.
(Camera zooms into the piece of glass stuck in the bottom of the handle. WARRICK takes it out.)
Sara: We match this to the broken window, we got him.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(WARRICK and SARA test the glass.)
Warrick: One, two, three.
(The pieces of glass are dropped into two different glass containers.)
Warrick: Left one is from the broken window the other one is from the g*n both dropping at an identical rate. Glass is from the same source.
Sara: So, Kenny broke the window from the inside using the butt of the g*n.
Warrick: My theory ... the brother was the executor of the parents' estate. He controlled the family money.
Sara: Sounds like more than a theory.
Warrick: I called the county clerk. With the brother out of the way, Kenny is the sole beneficiary.
(Quick flashback to: KENNY pulls a g*n on JEFF.)
Kenny Berlin: Do you have any idea how much money I've lost?
Jeff Berlin: Kenny, come on. What are you doing? I'm your brother, okay? I already said I'd loan you the money, okay?
Kenny Berlin: (shouts) Come on! $20,000? That doesn't even begin to solve my problems!
(KENNY fires twice. JEFF falls to the floor. KENNY looks around. He tosses the room. He walks over to the window and breaks it with the g*n. He goes to the computer and puts the g*n inside.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Slam that jail door. (He looks at SARA.) Makes you reconsider, doesn't it?
(SARA knows exactly what he's referencing.)
Sara: I never said you weren't a good CSI.
(SARA walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. TRUCKING MAIN OFFICE]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM speak with the DISPATCHER. She shows them the monitor which has a picture of a map with all the trucks out on the road represented by flashing red rectangles. The screen is riddled with them.)
Dispatcher: We're state-of-the-art here -- number one in vehicle satellite tracking. I can locate one or all of our trucks with just a click of a mouse, 24-7.
Grissom: (to CATHERINE) Do you ever worry that technology is going to make us obsolete?
Catherine: (firmly) No.
Grissom: Can you, uh, narrow your database? Say, eliminate all trucks that are not refrigerated?
Dispatcher: Yeah, I think I can.
(The DISPATCHER works on the keyboard and some of the red dots disappear.)
Grissom: Can you eliminate all trucks that were not in Las Vegas yesterday?
(More red dots disappear.)
Catherine: Eliminate all trucks that only travel in state.
(More red dots disappear.)
Catherine: Now eliminate the trucks that don't deliver to supermarkets along the I-15.
(They work to reduce the number of truck possibilities. There are only three flashing red dots on the monitor.)
Grissom: This is very cool. Eliminate all trucks that did not deliver to Marty's Market yesterday.
(She enters in the field condition. Camera cuts to the monitor where there are four flashing red dots. All but one disappear.)
Catherine: That's our guy. He delivered to all five towns -- all five supermarkets.
Grissom: Where is he now?
(Camera zooms in to the red flashing rectangle on screen.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. -- DAY]
(A man signs a clipboard. He looks up when the police cars drive up and surround him. OFFICERS with their w*apon drawn exit the cars.)
Officers: Police! Get your hands up! OFFICERS: Come out now!
(BRASS gets out of the car with his g*n drawn.)
Brass: Police! Step away from the truck, put your hands on the back of your head! Keep your hands in sight!
(The truck door opens and a woman gets out of the front seat.)
Brass: Get out of the truck!
Officer: Hands over your head!
(BRASS walks up to the MALE TRUCKER with the clipboard in his hand.)
Brass: Step away from the truck. Put your hands on the back of your head.
Male Trucker: I'm just making my regular delivery.
Brass: Don't make me ask you twice. Move! Hands on the back of your head! Hands on the back of your head!
(The MALE TRUCKER puts the clipboard down and complies.)
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE get out of their cars, watch and wait.)
Brass: Left hand on the wall, right hand on the wall. Check him for w*apon.
Officer: (b.g.) Spread your legs.
(BRASS approaches the back of the truck.)
Male Trucker: Hey, get away from my truck!
Grissom: It's not your truck anymore. It's our crime scene.
Officer: Check the cab.
(The OFFICER follows BRASS into the truck, then backs out. BRASS appears holstering his g*n.)
Brass: It's all yours.
Cop: (b.g.) All clean here, sir.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE step into the back of the truck.)
(Cut to: [INT. TRUCK - CONTINUOUS])
(GRISSOM walks inside, weaving in between the large pieces of frozen meat wrapped in plastic. He looks at a particularly long and thing piece of meat hanging in front of him and moves to unwrap it.)
(It's just a piece of frozen meat.)
(CATHERINE walks past GRISSOM to the back of the truck where a smaller refrigerator unit is. GRISSOM watches her and helps her open it.)
(There's no bodies inside, just smaller pieces of items wrapped plastic.)
(They reach the back of the truck where they find another refrigerator unit. GRISSOM and CATHERINE open it. They both gasp at the frozen bodies inside.)
(CATHERINE sighs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. - DAY]
(CATHERINE walks toward the MALE TRUCKER.)
Catherine: We got three.
(GRISSOM walks past CATHERINE and turns the MALE TRUCKER around to face him.)
Grissom: (grimly) Where is she? Where is Margaret Shorey?
Male Trucker: (flippantly) Screw you, man.
Grissom: Look, pal, I already know what happened. I even know your type -- decent, trusting, middle-aged women.
(Quick flashback to: Inside the bathroom at Marty's Market, MARGARET SHOREY is scrubbing the mustard off of her dress.)
Girlfriend: Please help me. You got to help me! I locked my baby in the car!
Margaret Shorey: Did you call the manager?
Girlfriend: It is so hot, she's going to die. Please help me!
Margaret Shorey: All ... all right.
(Cut to: Outside in the back of the market, the GIRLFRIEND leads MARGARET SHOREY to her "car".)
Margaret Shorey: Where's your car?
Girlfriend: This way.
(The MALE TRUCKER jumps out from between the crates and grabs MARGARET SHOREY from behind. She screams.)
Male Trucker: Go on! Write it!
(The GIRLFRIEND looks around as MARGARET SHOREY continues to scream. She hesitates, then heads back into the Market.)
(Cut back to: Inside the bathroom, the GIRLFRIEND uncaps the marker and writes the message on the stall door.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(BRASS grabs both the MALE TRUCKER and the GIRLFRIEND, each arm around each of their shoulders.)
Brass: Okay. All right, listen. The first one of you lowlifes can name that tune gets to make a deal. Hmm? The difference between the chair or life in prison. So ...
(She looks around, then speaks up.)
Girlfriend: He made me do it.
(The MALE TRUCKER lunges for her. She screams.)
Brass: Cuff him.
(The officers take the Male Trucker away.)
Brass: (softly) Hey, hey, hey ... Where is she?
CUT TO:
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE head into the front of the truck. GRISSOM crawls inside and checks out their seats. They lift the mattress up.)
Grissom: There's a lock. Are there any keys?
(CATHERINE looks around and finds some.)
Catherine: Try this.
(They unlock the compartment and find MARGARET SHOREY bound and gagged inside.)
Grissom: Hello, Margaret. My name is Gil. This is Catherine.
Catherine: We're going to take you home.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - WAITING ROOM]
(SARA walks in to the main reception area. In the waiting room, a boy holding a football sits alone. He appears to be looking for someone.)
Sara: You look lost.
Jason: Oh... yeah. Do you know Warrick Brown?
Sara: Yeah. You want me to tell him you're here?
Jason: Oh, he's probably working. He works really hard. If you see him could you just tell him that, uh, Jason says thanks?
Sara: Okay. Will he know what for?
Jason: Uh ...
(WARRICK walks in and sees JASON.)
Warrick: Hey, Jas, how you doing?
Jason: Better. Hey, thanks for busting me loose. My mom said she'll pay you back.
WARRICK No, you'll pay me back, Shorty. Just don't be pulling any more f*re alarms.
(SARA looks down and puts it all together.)
Jason: Oh, I won't
Warrick: Gets you more attention than you want.
Jason: I know.
Warrick: You still working on those moves I showed you?
Jason: Yeah, every day after school.
(They spar for a moment; SARA smiles.)
Warrick: How about that? How about that right there? Good.
Jason: Hey, I got to go. My mom's waiting for me.
Warrick: Hey, come here.
(WARRICK leans over and puts his hand around JASON'S shoulders to speak confidentially to him.)
Warrick: Apologize to your mom, all right? Let her know she can trust you.
Jason: Yeah.
Warrick: All right?
(SARA definitely overhears it.)
Jason: Bye, Warrick. Uh ... see you next week.
Warrick: See you next week, jaws.
(JASON leaves.)
Sara: So you went to the casino to win bail money.
Warrick: He needed my help. I didn't win anything, Sara. You're a CSI. You saw me enter a casino. Did you see me place a bet?
Sara: You want to tell me you didn't?
Warrick: I don't have to tell you anything. (sighs) Look, I went there to collect a debt that was owed to me. (pause) We're supposed to be working together. Next time, just try talking to me instead of going around behind my back.
(WARRICK turns and leaves. SARA watches him walk down the hallway.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x11 - I-15 m*rder"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - DAY]
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. WESTERN LAS VEGAS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY --DAY]
(The inmates, dressed in bright red exercise outside. They play basketball, lift weights, etc.)
(Cut to: One inmate in his cell addresses a package to:
GIL GRISSOM
c/o CSI
2974 WESTFALL
LAS VEGAS, NV89109 )
(The inmate carries the package and walks out with the other inmates who also have letters and things to mail.)
Officer: Into the bag, follow me.
(One by one, the inmates put their letters into the open mailbag set up to the side of the hallway.)
(The inmate carrying the box addressed to GRISSOM, puts it into the mailbag and keeps walking.)
(Cut to: The package is placed on a conveyor belt and scanned through the X-ray. The camera rises to the monitor and shows that inside the package is a video tape.)
(The package exits the scanner and is picked up on the other side.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY /BREAK ROOM-- DAY]
(The delivery person carries the stamped package down the hallway. He turns the corner and walks into the Break Room where GRISSOM is leafing through a magazine.)
Delivery Boy: This came for you, Mr. Grissom.
(He hands the package to GRISSOM who takes it and puts it on the table between him and BRASS. GRISSOM leans over to look at it as does BRASS.)
Brass: What's this? An anonymous package from county lockup?
(GRISSOM takes out something to open the package. BRASS immediately protests.)
Brass: Yeah, well, hey, just a second. Wait a minute. Give an innocent bystander a chance to clear out, will you?
Grissom: What are you worried about?
BRASS One minute, I'm eating tomato salad. The next ... I'm gazpacho.
(GRISSOM takes off the wrapping and opens the box. Inside is the video tape.)
Brass: With any luck it'll be the next episode of G-String Divas.
(GRISSOM puts it in the video tape machine and turns it on. He settles back in the chair to watch.)
(On videotape, FRANK DAMON sits in front of the camera and blows lightly into the clip-on microphone then rather than put it on, he holds onto it as he speaks.)
Frank Damon: (on videotape) My name is Frank Damon ... and I'm awaiting trial for the m*rder of ... my wife and son.
Brass: (nods) That's an arson case -- a few months ago. The DA is asking for the death penalty.
Frank Damon: (on videotape) I didn't k*ll my family ... but my lawyer says the evidence is against me.
(Something about the videotape captures GRISSOM'S attention. He stares at the monitor intently.)
Frank Damon: (on videotape) I was a good father. I loved him. I would have given my life for Toby and Jeannie. They were my world. Mr. Grissom, you are my last hope. Please ... help me.
Brass: An innocent man. Jail's full of them.
Grissom: It only takes one.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM is sitting at the table reviewing the files. In the background through the glass, we see CATHERINE walk toward the room; NICK and SARA follow her.)
(GRISSOM continues to read the file. Suddenly CATHERINE leans over and stares at the file over his shoulder.)
(GRISSOM turns to look at her.)
Catherine: Am I disturbing you?
Grissom: Yeah.
Catherine: Good.
(GRISSOM realizes that everyone's there for their assignments.)
Grissom: Oh. Great. Sorry.
(Everyone starts to take their seats around the table. GRISSOM puts the file down and looks around the stacks of paper on the table. He sighs.)
Grissom: Uh, I was supposed to pass out some supervisor evaluation forms. Where are they?
(CATHERINE grabs the papers on the table and starts handing them out.)
Catherine: Here they are.
Nick: (sits down & smiles) Mmm. Get to rate the boss. I dig this.
(CATHERINE gives NICK the evaluation form.)
Catherine: Give him a perfect ten or your ass is out of here.
Grissom: (exasperated) No, it's not.
(SARA laughs. CATHERINE hands her an evaluation form and heads around the table toward WARRICK.)
Grissom: All right. Assignment: Parking lot of the sportsbook at the Monaco. Caucasian male found d*ad in the front seat of his car.
(CATHERINE sits down.)
Nick: Two days before the Super Bowl.
(Sounds promising to WARRICK as he leans forward.)
Warrick: I'll take a piece of that.
Grissom: No. Uh, Nick and Catherine.
(WARRICK sniffs and settles back in his seat. SARA pipes up.)
Sara: What else you got?
Grissom: You and Warrick are working with me.
Catherine: The prisoner plea. Brass told me about the video.
Grissom: Yeah. If we take the case we have very little time to work it. The trial starts in three days.
Sara: How did he find you? 1-800-GRISSOM ... ?
(NICK laughs.)
Catherine: Wait a minute. Ecklie was the CSI on that arson. I see a bad moon rising.
Warrick: Can a CSI take over another CSIi's case?
Catherine: Only if they're of equal rank and they're looking for trouble.
Grissom: No trouble. We're both colleagues searching for the truth. Okay, that's it. Look ... onward. You have to start by looking at this.
(GRISSOM holds out the video tape. SARA reaches out and takes it.)
Warrick: Hey, what happened to that, uh, meeting the other day?
Grissom: Meeting?
Warrick: Yeah, the department heads were voting on an extra vacation day or something?
(NICK, who had already stood up to leave for his assignment, stops and turns to listen to WARRICK.)
Catherine: Yeah.
(GRISSOM stares at them ... clueless. He doesn't say anything and it's obvious that he didn't go to the meeting. CATHERINE shrugs.)
Nick: (looks at evaluation) Hmm. "Organization" ... minus one.
CUT TO:
[EXT. CSI - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM is in his car about to leave, when BRASS calls out to him as he approaches the car from the passenger side.)
Brass: Yo, cousin.
(GRISSOM turns to look at BRASS.)
Brass: I'm going to save you some gas here. I did some checking on your pal Damon.
Grissom: I don't remember asking you to.
Brass: Eyewitness saw him running from his burning house. Inside was his wife and kid. Now, wife's a big spender. Maxed out on the credit cards. They just bought the place and already he's late on the payments. Couple's always arguing about money. No surprise.
Grissom: Well, how does k*lling his family solve his money problems?
Brass: Maybe he didn't mean to. Maybe he needed the insurance dough and things got out of hand.
Grissom: Too many maybes. I think we should go with the evidence.
Brass: Well, I got something for you on that, too. Gasoline found in the master bedroom closet.
Grissom: Yeah, a hydrocarbon. I read Ecklie's report.
Brass: Did you skip the page with Damon's credit card receipts? Guy bought a gallon of gas a week before the f*re.
Grissom: Do I seem like the kind of guy who skips stuff?
Brass: Read my lips. There is no compelling evidence to suggest Damon was wrongfully charged.
Grissom: Well, then, it'll be a short interview, won't it?
(GRISSOM starts the car engine.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. MONACO CASINO - PARKING LOT - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and NICK walk up to the crime scene.)
Nick: Whew! Two days before the super bowl and they're already k*lling each other.
(CATHERINE looks into the car window. SGT. O'RILEY peers in through the open driver-side door at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Hey, O'Riley, anyone put their meat hooks on this vehicle?
Sgt. O'Riley: How long have we worked together?
Catherine: Still got to ask.
Nick: Sergeant.
(SGT. O'RILEY sees that NICK wants to get to the body. He steps aside and NICK steps forward to look at the body leaning against the steering wheel.)
Sgt. O'Riley: What's up?
Nick: Oh ... g*n wound to the head, point-blank range.
Catherine: Just a baby.
(CATHERINE snaps a photo of the body. She opens the back door and picks up the wallet to check it.)
Catherine: Tap city. Empty.
(Quick flashback to: The DRIVER gets into the car. As soon as the car door closes, the k*ller sits up and puts the g*n to the back of his head.)
Catherine: (V.O.) k*ller was probably in the back seat waiting for him.
(The k*ller sh**t; blood spurts onto the windshield.)
Catherine: (V.O.) Kid never stood a chance.
(The k*ller reaches over for the wallet. Once he gets it, he pushes the d*ad body toward the steering wheel. White flash to: The k*ller removes the money from the wallet)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK examines the d*ad body and notices something stuck in his ear.)
Nick: Check this out. Hearing aid?
Catherine: Maybe he was deaf.
Nick: Possibly.
(NICK puts his flashlight down, then moves to the back seat behind the driver. He opens the door and notices the window.)
Nick: Got some condensation on the window. You should get a sh*t of this.
(CATHERINE pulls out a plastic bag under the back seat passenger side chair. She opens it and checks inside, then chuckles.)
Catherine: You hungry, Nick? Got a burger. Extra lettuce.
(CATHERINE takes out a stack of hundred dollar bills. It's wrapped with two rubber bands with a paper that reads:
MONACO CASINO
4D207-D5DF-304...
550 000 STRAIGHT BET
LAKER - 11
TO WIN 550 000
TOTAL 510 000
576 TELLER #?
26JAN01 **:25:42
4D207-D5DF-3...
Nick: A rule of thumb: $2,500 an inch. There's got to be ... fifteen thousand there?
(CATHERINE looks at the paper label and reads.)
Catherine: "Giants ... negative nine."
(Something sounds recognizable to NICK. He looks at CATHERINE and she hands over the money to NICK.)
Nick: "Giants minus nine."
(NICK shows CATHERINE the ticket attached to the stack of bills.)
Nick: It's a super bowl ticket. Straight bet-- $30,000.
Catherine: What does a kid doing walking around with a wad like that betting thirty grand on a football game? Who wrote the ticket?
(NICK pulls out the ticket and shows it to CATHERINE.)
Nick: Teller 12.
CUT TO:
[INT MONACO CASINO - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and NICK question TONY, TELLER 12.)
Tony (teller 12): Yeah, I wrote the ticket. So what?
Catherine: So, it was found with the kid k*lled in your parking lot.
Tony (teller 12): Yeah. 30 dimes. It was 517's.
Nick: 517? What's that?
Tony (teller 12): That's his number. He was a runner.
Catherine: A runner?
Tony (teller 12): Yeah, a gofer -- runs from book to book places bets with other people's money.
Catherine: Kid wasn't a day over sixteen. Isn't that illegal?
Tony (teller 12): Lady, he's not buying a pack of cigarettes. He's betting
$30,000. Vig for the house is three grand. We look the other way.
Nick: I'd be willing to bet there's a mother out there that wishes you hadn't.
Tony (teller 12): Hey, what do I care? I'm out of this job by the end of the week. Tired of looking at scumbags.
Catherine: Well, does 517 have a name?
Tony (teller 12): I only know them by their numbers.
(NICK turns and walks away.)
Catherine: (to TONY) Well, you've been very helpful. Thank you.
CUT TO:
[EXT. WESTERN LAS VEGAS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks up to the gate.)
Grissom: Evening.
Officer: Here you go.
(The GUARD opens the gate for him.)
Grissom: Thanks.
Inmate: Yo, Grissom!
(GRISSOM turns and sees a guard leading a line of inmates for a walk in the fresh night air.)
Inmate: (to other inmate) This guy's the reason I'm in here. Shoe print.
(yells) Yo, man, next time I'll go barefoot!
Grissom: (yells back, amused) Even better. Footprints.
(GRISSOM turns to walk into the facility.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PRISON - CONFERENCE ROOM -- NIGHT]
(The guard leads FRANK DAMON to the cubicle where GRISSOM sits waiting for him. He picks up the telephone.)
Frank Damon: So, you're the Grissom they wrote about in the newspaper? I thought you'd be older.
Grissom: Why did you contact me, Mr. Damon?
Frank Damon: Arson specialist gave me your name. Well, six of them, actually. They all turned my case down. Will you help me?
Grissom: Fires are very complicated.
Frank Damon: It wasn't too complicated for the guy who put me in here.
(GRISSOM doesn't answer him right away. He looks at FRANK DAMON for a long moment.)
Frank Damon: You think if you stare at me long enough, you can tell if I'm innocent?
Grissom: I don't mean to stare ... but, yes, I can learn some things. For instance, the back of your hands are smooth. You read a lot. You have indentation marks on your nose from reading glasses. Your speech tells me that you're well-educated. Your occupation's not listed in the file, but I think that you had a white-collar job.
Frank Damon: (nods) Paper-pusher for the phone company.
Grissom: I don't know yet whether you're left- or right-handed, though.
(FRANK instinctively pulls his right hand toward him. GRISSOM notices the movement.)
Grissom: Now, you want to tell me what happened?
Frank Damon: It was about midnight.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, FRANK leans in to kiss JEANNIE as she tucks the blanket around TOBY. FRANK straightens up.
Frank Damon: Okay, baby.
Frank Damon: (V.O.) My wife, Jeannie -- she was hungry. She had a food craving.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.
Frank Damon: She sent me out to the store to get her some ice cream.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, JEANNIE turns and lightly touches TOBY'S head as he lies in bed.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) My son, Toby, he was in the bed with us.
(FRANK puts his coat on to leave.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) He couldn't sleep. I was going to take him camping the next day.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Frank Damon: Toby was eight.
Grissom: Why don't you tell me about the f*re.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, the SUV pulls up into the driveway.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I got back from the store in under 20 minutes.
(He parks the car and sees the smoke rising from the house.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I saw smoke coming out of the back of the house. I could hear the alarm.
(He rushes into the house and runs to the bedroom.)
Frank Damon: Jeannie!
Frank Damon: (V.O.) The house was filled with smoke.
Frank Damon: Jeannie!
(FRANK reaches the bedroom door and sees the smoke coming out from under the opening.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I checked the door for heat. I knew not to open it.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Why?
Frank Damon: Flashover.
(Surprised that FRANK even knows about "flashovers".)
Grissom: Flashover?
Frank Damon: That's right. When the f*re reaches about 932 degrees Fahrenheit you add oxygen and the smoke will burst into flame. I know how f*re behaves, Mr. Grissom, because I'm a volunteer fireman. I was hoping to make the department this Spring. So I couldn't open the door. I ran outside to my car to call a rig.
Grissom: Well, if you're a volunteer fireman then you must be familiar with the use of accelerants.
Frank Damon: Yes.
Grissom: According to the report there were traces of gasoline found on the floor of your bedroom closet.
Frank Damon: That's right, and I don't know how it got there. We didn't keep anything like that in the house.
Grissom: Our homicide department has a credit card receipt for gasoline -- your receipt -- and there's no other suspects.
(FRANK'S getting upset.)
Frank Damon: I didn't burn down my house, Mr. Grissom. I bought the gasoline for the lawnmower and kept it in the garage. Now, if there was gasoline in our closet someone else put it there. Find them.
Grissom: I don't chase criminals, Mr. Damon. I just evaluate evidence.
(FRANK puts his hand up against the glass. GRISSOM glances at it and notices something.)
Frank Damon: I need someone to believe me -- to figure this out.
Grissom: How did you burn your hand, Mr. Damon?
(FRANK puts his hand down.)
Frank Damon: I don't remember.
Grissom: People with third-degree burns don't forget how they got them.
(FRANK takes a breath.)
Frank Damon: You're not going to help me?
Grissom: I'll take your case. I don't know whether I'll help you or not.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. DAMON RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(The Tahoe pulls up to the drive. GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK exit the vehicle and walk toward the house. They duck under the crime scene tape and look around.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DAMON RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(The door opens and they walk inside. GRISSOM takes out his flashlight and looks at they damage. WARRICK starts snapping some photos.)
Grissom: Nothing harder to investigate than arson. If the f*re hasn't ruined your crime scene...
Sara: ... The firemen have.
Grissom: Yeah.
Sara: Funny place for a mattress.
Grissom: Overhaul. Post-blaze, firemen remove charred items to neutralize the hot spots. Prevents flare-ups.
(WARRICK continues snapping photos. GRISSOM turns and heads down the hallway. He looks around. He and SARA pause in front of the little boy's bedroom.)
[TOBY'S BEDROOM]
(SARA steps inside and kneels in front of some packed gear on the floor.)
Sara: Looks like the kid was going camping.
(She puts her kit down and takes out some tweezers which she uses to reach into the backpack. She picks up a container of matches.)
Sara: Waterproof matches.
Grissom: Bag those.
Warrick: What do you think? The kid might have started it?
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He simply looks at WARRICK, who gets it instantly.)
Warrick: (nods & sighs) We don't rule anything out.
Grissom: Yeah.
(SARA bags the matches.)
[HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM continues down the hallway and heads toward the end where the master bedroom is. WARRICK and SARA follow him. He looks around at the damaged room.)
Grissom: The f*re was contained inside this room ... but the outside door frame is severely charred.
Warrick: Well, fires take the path of least resistance. I mean, they feed off of oxygen and combustibles.
Grissom: We're going to take a piece of this back to the lab.
Sara: It's a weird place for such a thorough burn especially since the door isn't scorched.
Grissom: Huh.
Sara: Look at this. Rubber?
(GRISSOM kneels down to look at what's b*rned into the door knob. They all look at it.)
Warrick: Firemen wear rubber gloves.
(WARRICK snaps a photo.)
(They walk into the bedroom.)
[MASTER BEDROOM]
Warrick: According to Ecklie's report, which was filed in record time, the point of origin for the f*re was the closet. Gris, there's nothing left here.
(GRISSOM looks at the closet.)
Grissom: More than you think. "V" pattern on the outside wall. Fires like to go up and out.
Sara: That's why you can always count on seeing a pattern.
Grissom: This one's narrow. This was a very intense, rapidly moving f*re.
Warrick: Well, that confirms Ecklie's findings about the use of an accelerant.
(WARRICK snaps a photo.)
Grissom: The apex of the "V" usually indicates the point of origin. You want to call it, Warrick?
Warrick: Damon doused the closet floor with gasoline, lit it and got the hell out of dodge.
(GRISSOM sees something on the floor.)
Grissom: Shards of glass.
Sara: Bag a sample. I'll put it through the lab.
(GRISSOM fingers the glass and can't move it. He looks up at SARA.)
Grissom: Can't. It's melted into the concrete.
(Quick CGI close up of the glass melted into the concrete.)
Sara: So that's why the concrete's discolored? From the heat?
Grissom: It's called "spalling." It confirms the presence of an accelerant.
Sara: Why would there be glass in the middle of the hot spot?
Grissom: Good question.
Warrick: Who cares? The guy torched his wife and kid.
(GRISSOM turns to look at WARRICK.)
Grissom: Really? Where's the trailing? An arsonist would spread the gasoline around to maximize the burn area.
(After a moment, SARA concurs.)
Sara: He still did the job.
(GRISSOM stands up.)
Grissom: Listen, you guys. You're like Dodger fans. The ball game's only in the seventh inning and you're already out of your seats.
(GRISSOM walks past them.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(CATHERINE leads SANDRA HILLMAN into the room to identify the body. They walk up to the body. CATHERINE lowers the sheet.)
Catherine: Mrs. Hillman? Is this your son?
(SANDRA HILLMAN looks down at the body and inhales. She starts to cry silently.)
(She nods.)
(Watching her, CATHERINE isn't unaffected and starts crying also.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(MRS. HILLMAN leans against the wall trying to compose herself. CATHERINE stands next to her.)
Catherine: Mrs. Hillman? Was your son hearing-impaired? Joey was wearing a hearing aid.
Sandra Hillman: (shakes her head) No. No, Joey's hearing was fine. Why would he have that?
Catherine: (softly) I don't know.
(She thinks about it for a moment, then something occurs to her.)
Sandra Hillman: Wait a minute. (sighs) Danny ... swore to me he'd keep Joey out of that racket.
Catherine: Danny?
Sandra Hillman: My older son. He's a runner, too. They wear remote earpieces. That's how they talk to the guy they worked for. We've had full-scale wars about him doing that -- carrying around that kind of money-- but does he stop? No. He gets Joey involved.
Catherine: Well, the police will want to talk to your son Danny.
Sandra Hillman: I haven't seen him in a week. And he hasn't returned my calls.
(She turns to CATHERINE.)
Sandra Hillman: Do you think something's happened to him, too?
(CATHERINE doesn't say anything.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK walk through the hallway just returned from their visit to the house and carrying bags of evidence. They bump into CONRAD ECKLIE. GRISSOM sighs.)
Conrad Ecklie: Grissom.
Grissom: I'll see you guys in the evidence lab.
Conrad Ecklie: Night shift so slow you've got to pick over my cases?
GRISSOM I'm just making sure that we've answered all the questions.
CONRAD ECKLIE Was it arson? Yes. No doubt about it. What accelerant was used? Let's see -- hydrocarbon residue, and a credit card receipt. Got to be gasoline.
Grissom: Yeah? Why was there no trailing? And why no evidence of an incendiary device anywhere in the bedroom?
Conrad Ecklie: He's a volunteer fireman, Gil. He knows how to start a f*re and hide the evidence. Don't you think, if this guy was remotely innocent his attorney would be involved in your little investigation?
Grissom: What are you so afraid of, Conrad? We're just a couple of science geeks. Why can't we work together?
Conrad Ecklie: No, we are public servants. We investigate cases as efficiently as we can and then we move on. We're not a clearinghouse for defendants on the eve of trial who don't like what we've turned up.
Grissom: Yes, we are -- if it's our mistake that put them there.
(GRISSOM starts to walk past ECKLIE.)
Conrad Ecklie: Fine. Spin your wheels.
(He turns around and stops him.)
Grissom: Hey, Eck? (smiles) What is the new policy on vacation days?
(ECKLIE doesn't answer. He shakes his head and they walk on.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK talk with WARRICK about "runners". WARRICK takes off his jacket.)
Warrick: Runners, huh? I know a little something about that world.
Nick: Yeah, we thought you might. So?
Warrick: It breaks down like this. There's about a half a dozen runners in town -- they're mostly kids -- and they make about two "g's" a week. And they all work for the same guy.
Catherine: Well, that's more than a little something.
(WARRICK puts his shirt in his locker.)
Warrick: I used to be a runner in college. It paid the bills. I had route five. Worked Boulder, Sunset, Vacation, and the bay -- all of that.
Catherine: So, who was your boss then?
Warrick: The Voice.
(WARRICK takes out a shirt and puts it on.)
Nick: He didn't have a name?
WARRICK; Runners go from bet to bet, they jot down their orders and they call them in to "The Voice." Guy runs the entire operation underground. I mean, he takes orders from Back East and lays them off in Vegas. Pockets his vig, his commission. He's like a trader on the stock exchange.
(WARRICK'S pager beeps. He checks it.)
Warrick: I knew it. That's Grissom. I got to bail.
(WARRICK closes his locker, then heads for the door.)
Nick: So ... how do we find this, uh ... "Voice"?
Warrick: You don't. He's not who you're looking for anyway. If you want to know who capped this kid? Then you should talk to another runner. I mean, they'll k*ll each other for a good route.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM is in the lab conducting an experiment. SARA walks in and leans over to see what GRISSOM has under the hood.)
Grissom: Uh... you might want to take three giant steps backward.
(SARA straightens and backs away.)
Warrick: What's going on?
Sara: Danger, Will Robinson.
Grissom: Three drops of gasoline, limited oxygen supply heat to ignition temperature of 932 degrees Fahrenheit.
Warrick: Same conditions in Damon's bedroom, night of the f*re.
(The mouth of the flask flashes and a small expl*si*n sounds.)
Grissom: Smoke to f*re.
(WARRICK takes a seat.)
Warrick: Flashover. So, that confirms the first part of Damon's story.
Grissom: Tell me you're here to confirm part two.
Sara: As a matter of fact, here is your doorframe. I had Collins analyze the burn depth. You see these rolling blisters?
Grissom: It's called alligatoring. See the way the wood's cracked? It looks like the skin of an alligator.
Sara: Based on the depth of the allir... allo...
Warrick: "Alligatoring".
(SARA nods to WARRICK.)
Sara: This wood b*rned very hot and very fast.
Grissom: Use of accelerant?
Sara: Negative.
Warrick: But that piece was a doorframe outside of the bedroom -- which was a contained site.
Grissom: So, the only way this could've happened was ... O2.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, camera close up of the smoke escaping from under the door opening. It's rolling out, then rolls back under. The house alarm is beeping.)
(DAMON is standing in front of the door and opens it automatically. The flashover causes him to fall back into the hallway.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Damon opened the door. (b*at) He lied.
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses.)
Warrick: So what happens now?
Grissom: We chase the lie ... 'til it leads to the truth.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. PRISON - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM makes his way down the hallway. At the end of the hallway, FRANK DAMON is sitting on a bench, talking with RACHEL. FRANK sees GRISSOM walking up to them and stands up. He gives RACHEL a hug and she leaves.)
(GRISSOM notices her as they pass each other. He looks up at FRANK.)
(They both sit down.)
Frank Damon: That's my sister. She's the only one who stood by me in all this.
Grissom: Anything else you want to tell me?
Frank Damon: What, about my sister?
Grissom: About the f*re.
Frank Damon: I ... told you everything.
Grissom: Your bedroom doorframe disagrees. If no one opened the door ... the outside frame would not have b*rned. As a firefighter you know that.
(He looks down and doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: May I see your hand, please? Palm up.
(FRANK opens his palm to show GRISSOM the burns. GRISSOM takes out a door knob.)
Grissom: This is the same type of doorknob that you have on your bedroom door.
(GRISSOM puts the door knob in FRANK'S palm. FRANK grabs the doorknob and starts crying.)
Grissom: Mr. Damon ...
Frank Damon: Please ... I don't want anyone to know.
Grissom: Why? This places you outside of the f*re. You're facing the death penalty. Why are you lying?
Frank Damon: (ashamed) I'm a firefighter. And when my wife and my son needed me ... I forgot everything.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, FRANK rushes in to the hallway heading straight for the master bedroom all the while calling for JEANNIE.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I didn't check for heat.
Frank Damon: Jeannie!
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I didn't look for smoke.
(FRANK bumps into the door, then turns down the hallway to the end of the hall and reaches for the doorknob.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) All I could think about was getting them out. So I opened the door. I let a monster out.
(As soon as he opens the door, the smoke explodes into f*re. It pushes him back through the hallway.)
Frank Damon: (V.O.) I could just about make them out through the flame.
Frank Damon: Jeannie! Jeannie!
Frank Damon: (V.O.) But I... I couldn't get to them!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: What else?
Frank Damon: I had to close the door. The whole house would've gone up and the firemen would have never reached them. (He starts crying.) I k*lled my family.
Grissom: Carbon monoxide k*lled them long before the f*re got to them. You know that.
(He shakes his head.)
Frank Damon: It doesn't matter what I know. My family died because I wasn't there to protect them.
Grissom: You tried to save your family, but that doesn't mean that you didn't start the f*re. Are you lying about that, too?
Frank Damon: (he stops crying) You tell me.
Grissom: I will.
CUT TO:
[INT. MONACO CASINO - MAIN FLOOR]
(NICK and CATHERINE are back interviewing TONY.)
Tony (teller 12): Hey, you didn't hear this from me, all right? But, um ... see the guy over there -- blue sweatshirt with the orange hood?
Nick: Yeah.
(They turn and see the kid sitting down at the table talking to no one ... and laughing.)
Tony (teller 12): 702. He's a runner. He used to hang with 517-- the kid who was k*lled.
Nick: He's not talking to himself, is he?
Tony (teller 12): Talking to his boss on a wire.
Catherine: It's illegal to use two-way communication in the sportsbook.
Tony (teller 12): As long as you don't get caught. I got to get back to work.
(TONY leaves. NICK and CATHERINE head over toward 702.)
702: (to mic) Lakers are minus 11. Total is 189. Yeah. Bulls pick. Kings are down to nine from 11. (pauses and listens to the instructions over the earpiece) Done.
(702 stands up and heads for the cage. He puts a betting piece down.)
702: Lakers. $50,000. Gimme as much at eleven as you can.
(CATHERINE and NICK walk up to 702.)
Catherine: You like the Lakers today?
Cage: Here you go.
(The CAGE hands 702 his ticket. 702 picks it up and turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: So do I.
702: Yeah, Joey Hillman, 517. Yeah, he was a good kid. It's too bad about him getting sh*t.
Nick: Yeah, I guess all the runners heard about it by now, huh?
702: I guess.
CATHERINE; So, who got Joey's route?
702: I don't know. The only thing I know is my own route.
Nick: What was Joey's route, exactly?
702: You guys are asking a lot questions here for not being cops, huh?
Nick: Are you interested in helping us better understand Joey's crime scene, or ... not?
702: I only know what I see on the news. (chuckles, then stands) Later.
(702 leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DAMON RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(Wearing a face mask, WARRICK kneels down to look at the damage inside the bedroom.)
(Someone approaches him from behind. WARRICK is too engrossed in the scene in front of him to notice. The person walks up closer, then makes a sound. WARRICK gasps, jumps, turns and holds up his flashlight.)
(GRISSOM also holds up his flashlight on WARRICK.)
Warrick: You got me.
Grissom: Sorry. What are you doing here?
Warrick: Sifting through this debris.
(GRISSOM still holds the flashlight on WARRICK.)
Warrick: You mind?
(He moves his flashlight from WARRICK'S face.)
Grissom: No.
Warrick: Give me a hand with this mattress.
(GRISSOM and WARRICK move the mattress. Underneath, they find something.)
GRISSOM Space heater. Janko electric, model ... ... 220.
Warrick: Or it was. I figure it must have b*rned up in the bedroom and the firemen threw it out here with the rest of this overhaul.
Grissom: This is heavy-duty, high voltage. This thing could heat our whole lab.
Warrick: Or overload a house.
(At that suggestion, GRISSOM realizes.)
Warrick: (nods) Breaker box.
CUT TO:
[INT. DAMON RESIDENCE - BASEMENT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(They open the breaker box and look inside.)
Warrick: Circuit overload. Master bedroom.
Grissom: You know what to do next?
Warrick: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. DAMON RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK uses a power drill and cuts out the remains of the overloaded plug in the bedroom.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY]
(CATHERINE speaks with the LAB TECH, L. COLLINS.)
Collins: The condensation inside Joey's back seat window is nasal mucus.
Catherine: From a sneeze.
Collins: Most likely. You're thinking ... the sh**t was in the back seat?
Catherine: Mm-hmm, with the sniffles.
Collins: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: So what is the DNA like in mucus these days?
Collins: It's pretty good. I'll start a DNA profile.
Catherine: Thanks.
(Behind her, DAVID PHILLIPS calls out to CATHERINE.)
David Phillips: Catherine?
(She turns around.)
Catherine: Oh, hi, David. What's up?
David Phillips: There's someone waiting for you in reception.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - RECEPTION - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks over to find SGT. O'RILEY with SANDRA HILLMAN and her son, DANNY.)
Catherine: Detective?
Sgt. O'Riley: She came in with her son. Thought you'd like a conversation before we sat down with him.
Catherine: Yeah, thanks. Did you call Nick?
Sgt. O'Riley: Yeah.
(She steps forward.)
Sandra Hillman: Uh ... (to DANNY) Come on. (to CATHERINE) This is my son Danny. He heard about Joey and came home.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE, NICK along with SGT. O'RILEY questionsDANNY HILLMAN.)
Danny Hillman: So I took some of my runner money and I h*t the blackjack tables. I lost ... so I doubled up. I ended up losing thirty grand in eight minutes.
Catherine: Well, I can see why you ran.
Danny Hillman: I was scared. You know, it wasn't my money.
Nick: Did you think to get back to your boss? Try to make amends?
Catherine: You guys don't even know who your boss is, do you?
Nick: Did you tell Joey to get out of town-that someone might try to harm him on behalf of your boss?
Danny Hillman: I should have. But, no ... I only worried about my butt. They k*lled Joey to send a message to me. Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Catherine: Danny ... do you have any idea who sh*t your brother?
Danny Hillman: One of the runners. Probably a guy ...
Sandra Hillman: No! No. No names.
Danny Hillman: One of them k*lled Joey. You know, they'll do anything for money. It's like a-a disease.
Sandra Hillman: And if you talk, they'll come after you. (to CATHERINE) No. No, I'm not losing another child.
Danny Hillman: Joey died because of me. Either they find his sh**t, or I do.
Nick: Whoa, whoa! Hold on, now. Nobody's going after anybody. Okay, he doesn't have to give us a name, Mrs. Hillman. Alright. Danny, you wear an earpiece, right? Just give us the frequency your runners operate on.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM works on the wiring from the wall socket. CONRAD ECKLIE passes by in the hallway, turns and sees GRISSOM. He lingers in the doorway.)
Conrad Ecklie: What the hell are you doing?
Grissom: Something you probably should have done.
Conrad Ecklie: (scoffs) You're checking for faulty wiring? Waste of time, Gil. f*re started on the floor in the closet not in the wires in the wall.
Grissom: Yeah, that was your report. This is an electrical socket from the closet where a space heater was plugged in.
Conrad Ecklie: A heater? There was no heater there.
Grissom: I found it in the living room, melted.
Conrad Ecklie: And I suppose you happen to know which outlet it was plugged into?
Grissom: It was a cold night. The outlet in the closet was closest to her bed.
Conrad Ecklie: That's a little far-fetched, don't you think?
Grissom: Look ... if this wire b*rned from the inside out then the f*re started in the wall not on the closet floor.
Grissom: Discoloration throughout the conductor. It b*rned from the inside out. The cause of this f*re was an electrical overload in the wall.
Conrad Ecklie: All right, you say wall, I say floor. We differ on points of origin. The jury's only going to hear one word: Gasoline.
Grissom: Speaking of which ... where's your accelerant analysis work?
Conrad Ecklie: I personally swabbed the closet floor. Found traces of hydrocarbon chains confirming gasoline. Leave it alone, Gil. The DA agrees with me on this.
Grissom: Too many unanswered questions, Conrad. This case should not be going to trial yet.
Conrad Ecklie: No, there's only one unanswered question. Why was there accelerant in the closet? Only one person knows. And that's why he's looking at the death penalty.
(ECKLIE leaves the lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PRISON - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM questions FRANK DAMON again.)
Frank Damon: Look, I told you ... I don't know why it was there.
Grissom: You've got to do better than that.
(Frustrated, FRANK gets to his feet.)
Frank Damon: (frustrated) I can't!
Grissom: It doesn't prove you didn't start it. Until we can explain why there was gasoline in the bedroom closet the charges stand.
(FRANK turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Frank Damon: Then I guess I'm a d*ad man.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SGT. O'RILEY lines up a group of young men in a row out in the hallway.)
702: Hey, this is bull. I thought I was showing up to win a trip.
Catherine: Oh, one of you is going to win a trip, all right. Everybody clear this is voluntary?
702: Yeah, sure. Then she just calls the cops to come and arrest us.
Catherine: So everyone is clear.
(CATHERINE looks at the men in the line-up. No one says anything. CATHERINE turns around to look at NICK, who immediately agrees with her.)
Nick: Yeah.
Catherine: Yeah.
Nick: Okay ... here's what we're going to do. Open your nostrils.
702: (laughs) You know, look, I got a hundred bucks that says none of us are the sh**t.
Catherine: Well, if you're that confident it's not one of your guys you must know who it is.
702: Even if I did, you think I would tell you?
Nick: You're on cool breeze. A hundred bucks.
702 (smiles) Okay.
(NICK takes the sample. CATHERINE walks to the other end of the line and stares up at the young man.)
Catherine: Head back.
(Cut to: Close up of a scissors snipping off the end of the swab. The swab is put into sample with a sicker label "702" next to it are glass containers for
318, 526, and 431.)
(The swab is processed and tested.)
(The results are printed.)
(NICK reads the results and sighs. He hands the results back to the LAB TECH.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(NICK walks out into the hallway.)
Catherine: Okay. You're all free to go.
Nick: This way, gents.
(The runners turn to leave the hallway. 702 turns to look at NICK.)
702: You owe me a c-note, baby.
Nick: Yeah. I don't have it on me. I'll have to bring it to you.
702: Okay. I'll be holding my breath.
Nick: Mm-hmm.
(NICK takes off his gloves, turns to look at CATHERINE, then holds out his hands in front of him fingers wide and growls.)
(He walks away. CATHERINE remains in the hallway looking at the runners.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM sits and desolately counts the waterproof matches found in TOBY'S backpack.)
Sara: (o.s.) Counting matches?
(GRISSOM looks up to see SARA lingering in the doorway.
Grissom: Yeah.
(SARA walks into the office and stands in front of his desk.)
Grissom: From the kid's room. I counted them yesterday. And I counted them this morning. Twenty. They're all there. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Sara: I got a theory. You want to hear it?
(GRISSOM looks up at SARA.)
Grissom: Sure.
(She sits down.)
Sara: You know the melted shards of glass we found on the closet floor? They prove that the f*re b*rned at over a thousand degrees, right? But that temp, combined with the water used to douse the flames would have destroyed most of the accelerant.
Grissom: That's what happens.
(WARRICK walks into the office.)
Sara: So, Ecklie's conclusion of gasoline wasn't based on any physical evidence. It was based on Damon's credit card receipts.
Grissom: (shakes his head) I can't fault him for that. The burn pattern is consistent with a gasoline accelerant.
Sara: But, hydrocarbons are found in all kinds of things: Oils ... kerosene, polyethylene-based compounds like laxatives-- even the foam used in push-up bras.
Warrick: Yeah. Under the right conditions, any hydrocarbon can be an accelerant.
(This perks GRISSOM up as he now has something to go on. He looks at SARA.)
Grissom: Thank you. (to WARRICK) Warrick, you're driving.
(SARA smiles back at GRISSOM. They both stand up.)
Warrick: You ever worry about professional su1c1de?
(He looks at WARRICK and answers brightly while shaking his head.)
Grissom: Not while I'm committing it, no.
(They turn to leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. DAMON'S RESIDENCE - STREET -- DAY]
(The Tahoe pulls up the side of the street and stops. They notice the large white van parked in the driveway and the clean-up crew taking out the items from the house. They watch as they move the b*rned mattress.)
Sara: Crime scene cleanup.
(GRISSOM whacks WARRICK'S arm to get his attention.)
Grissom: (angry) Let's go.
(They drive off.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM charges in through the hallway looking for ECKLIE. He walks into the break room. WARRICK follows behind him.)
Grissom: You son of a bitch. You swept my crime scene. You sent cleanup!
Conrad Ecklie: I didn't send anyone. It's been on the books for months.
Grissom: So you knew, and did nothing about it even with a man's life on the line?
Conrad Ecklie: If you'd have checked the docket like everybody else you would've known what was happening. Coffee?
(ECKLIE holds out the coffee pot and GRISSOM, being angry as he is, knocks the pot clear across the room where the carafe flies across the way, crashes and shatters into the wall. Broken glass mixed with hot coffee drips along the sides.)
Conrad Ecklie: Guess you don't want cream with that.
(ECKLIE leaves the break room. WARRICK turns and watches him leave. GRISSOM stands there and stares at the broken carafe, something stirring at the back of his mind.)
(GRISSOM takes a step forward toward the broken glass and liquid, this appears to be very familiar to him.)
(Quick flashback to: Extreme close up of the melted glass in the closet floor. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Camera close up of the broken glass and the hot coffee on the floor. GRISSOM makes the connection.)
Grissom: Thanks, Ecklie.
CUT TO:
[INT. PRISON - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(RACHEL walks down the hallway after visiting with FRANK. GRISSOM makes his way through the hallway on his way toward FRANK. He looks up and sees her.)
Grissom: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
(GRISSOM turns around and stops her.)
Grissom: Excuse me. My name's Gil Grissom.
Rachel: I know. You're helping Frank. Thank you.
(She turns to leave; GRISSOM stops her again.)
Grissom: May I ask you a question?
Rachel: Sure. Anything to help Frank.
Grissom: You're his family. What was his relationship like with his wife and son?
(She smiles.)
Rachel: Frank was a wonderful father. Toby adored him. (She stops and excuses herself.) Uh, I'm sorry. I, um ... I have to get back to work. But thank you.
(She leaves. GRISSOM watches her go for a moment before heading back to see FRANK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PRISON - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM speaks with FRANK through the pexiglass.)
Grissom: I broke a coffee pot today. Lost my temper. Anything like that ever happen to you?
(FRANK doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: We found shards of melted glass on the floor of your closet. You want to tell me about it?
(FRANK still doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: Okay, you can explain it in court. It's all part of the report now.
(GRISSOM hangs up. FRANK looks startled and taps on the glass. He motions for GRISSOM to pick up the phone.)
(GRISSOM picks it up.)
Frank Damon: I didn't leave that night to buy ice cream. I was leaving Jeannie.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, FRANK stands in front of the closet, yelling at JEANNIE as he throws his clothes into a bag.)
Frank Damon: I warned you.
Jeannie Damon: Just a few things.
Frank Damon: You can have the damn stuff! I told you this was the last time.
Jeannie Damon: You going to leave us now?
(He grabs more clothes out of the closet.)
Frank Damon: I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. You can be broke by yourself!
(JEANNIE turns and grabs some stuff of the bed side table.)
Jeannie Damon: You want to leave? Fine!
(She throws the things at FRANK. He ducks, but they h*t him.)
Jeannie Damon: Okay! Get out!
Frank Damon: What the hell are you doing?
Jeannie Damon: Get out!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Frank Damon: So I just got the hell out of there. Drove for about twenty minutes and then thought, how could I end ten years of our life like that? I mean, we had a son, so I turned around.
Grissom: Wait a minute. Go back. What did she throw at you? Be specific.
Frank Damon: (chuckles) Man, I just ducked and covered. I don't remember.
Grissom: Think.
Frank Damon: Uh ... a-a phone. A-a bag. Uh, a vase maybe?
Grissom: What kind of a vase?
Frank Damon: A flower vase? I don't remember any flowers.
Grissom: Was it even a vase?
Frank Damon: Look, I don't know. I can't remember.
Grissom: (persistent) Was it glass? Could it have been glass?
Frank Damon: Yes. It was glass. It was a glass lamp, because it had a wick.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the f*re, FRANK and JEANNIE argue. She throws things at him.)
Jeannie Damon: Get out!
Frank Damon: What the hell are you doing?
Jeannie Damon: Get out!
(She turns and grabs the glass lamp off of the night table.)
Frank Damon: I'm leaving!
Jeannie Damon: Just get out!
(With both hands, she throws the lamp at FRANK. It misses him and shatters against the wall near the plug.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Like a kerosene lamp?
Frank Damon: Yeah. She bought a lamp like that.
Grissom: I found kerosene on the floor of your closet.
(Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the shattered kerosene lamp on the floor in the liquid. Camera moves slowly up toward the plug.)
Grissom: (V.O.) The space heater overloaded the circuit causing a spark to ignite the kerosene.
(The plug sparks and shorts out leaving a black scorch mark on the plastic.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Frank Damon: Can you prove it? In court?
Grissom: (nods confidently) The evidence can.
CUT TO:
[INT. MONACO CASINO - MAIN FLOOR -- DAY]
(NICK crosses the main floor looking for runner 702. He walks up to the teller.)
Nick: Hey, how you doing?
Tony (teller 12): Hey. Who do you want?
Nick: The runner ... um, 702.
(NICK holds up the bill.)
Nick: (smiles) I owe him a little cash.
Tony (teller 12): This isn't the only place he hangs out but if you want me to give it to him ...
Nick: Um ... you have an envelope I could use?
Tony (teller 12): Yeah.
(TONY reaches behind the counter to get the envelope. As he reaches over, NICK notices the watch on his left hand.)
(TONY sniffles, then puts the envelope on the counter for NICK.)
Nick: Nice watch.
Tony (teller 12): Thanks.
Nick: (curious) Thought you were getting out of this business.
Tony (teller 12): Yeah, uh ...
(TONY rubs his nose and sniffles again.)
Tony (teller 12): it's my last day. Got a new job.
Nick: (nods) Later.
Tony (teller 12): Yeah.
(NICK turns around to leave just as TONY sneezes. NICK stops and slowly turns around to look at TONY.)
(TONY raises his eyes and looks at NICK.)
(Quick flashback to: The night of the m*rder, JOEY HILLMAN gets into his car. He shuts the door. White flash to: TONY sits up in the seat behind JOEY, raises the g*n at the back of his head and fires. Blood spurts on the front glass.)
(TONY pushes JOEY forward against the steering wheel and takes the money.)
Tony (teller 12): You're out of business, Joey.
(TONY opens the door and steps out of the car. He sneezes onto the glass.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: New job, huh? Joey's old route? (steps toward TONY) Did you get so scared when you sh*t him that you forgot the money?
Tony (teller 12): I want a lawyer.
Nick: Well, you better get one that knows forensics ... (NICK runs his finger against the glass.) ... 'cause we got you. (to radio) Dispatch, victor 19. Code 462 on the 4-20 suspect Monaco.
CUT TO:
[EXT. PRISON -- DAY]
(The GUARD opens the exterior wire gate just as FRANK DAMON walks through the interior wire gate. FRANK walks outside.)
(Leaning against the Tahoe parked in front of the gate is GRISSOM. FRANK walks up to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Thought you might need a ride.
Frank Damon: (smiles) Thanks. (then points to the side where RACHEL gets out of the parked car - license #EPI-523) ... I'm okay.
(GRISSOM turns to look at FRANK.)
Grissom: Your sister. Who is she?
Frank Damon: Would you have helped me if I told you that my wife and I fought that night that I was leaving her for another woman? For Rachel?
Grissom: I don't judge people.
Frank Damon: It's funny. When I got out, I thought I'd feel ... (sighs) ... free.
Grissom: And ... ?
Frank Damon: I feel ...
Grissom: ... responsible?
(FRANK doesn't say anything and nods. He turns and heads for RACHEL. GRISSOM stands on the side as he watches them hug each other. FRANK picks RACHEL up in his arms and slowly swings her around.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x12 - Fahrenheit 932"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[INT. HANSEN BUSINESS BUILDING -- SUNSET]
(DOMINIC KRETZKER walks down the stairs and greets the employees as they walk up to the second floor.)
Dominic Kretzker: Hi, Renee.
Renee: Hi.
Dominic Kretzker: Good afternoon, Mr. Ribero. How's the golf?
Mr. Ribero: Fine. How are you?
(DOMINIC reaches the first floor and stops to help a woman.)
Dominic Kretzker: Hi. You look lost.
(He looks at the piece of paper she's carrying and points her in the right direction.)
Dominic Kretzker: Okay, the stairs are all the way back to the left and the Real Estate Office is at the end of the hall.
(The woman looks at him and nods.)
Dominic Kretzker: Okay? Bye.
(DOMINIC stands in the middle of the lobby and sees NICOLE walk in carrying a large vase of flowers.)
Dominic Kretzker: Hello. Oh! Those for me?
Nicole: Hi, Dominic. Sign here.
Dominic Kretzker: Okay. (he signs.) I'll tell you, though this is going to be worth a lot of money someday.
(He hands her back her pad. She hands him the flowers.)
Nicole: I know, Elvis.
Dominic: Okay.
Nicole: See you.
Dominic: Okay, bye-bye.
(NICOLE leaves; JAKE RICHARDS walks up to DOMINIC.)
Jake Richards: Domino, it's your turn to pick up dinner.
Dominic: Okay, Jake-O. Listen, uh, this goes to Cooley Real Estate. (JAKE takes the flowers.) That's on two, all right? And the Fed Ex is running a little bit late on the pickup. (DOMINIC glances down at his watch.) I'll be back in ... hmm, about ten minutes, all right?
Jake Richards: You got it.
Dominic Kretzker: All right, buddy.
(DOMINIC leaves. JAKE takes the flowers and puts it on the counter. He glances up at the wall clock which reads 6:02. He then glances down and notices a ticking sound.)
(He looks over at the stack of boxes and things on the counter. He finally peers around the side of the counter and sees the briefcase sitting on the floor. The ticking sound comes from the briefcase.)
(Camera goes into slow motion. JAKE RICHARDS reaches for the briefcase. Everything and everyone slows down to a complete and silent halt.)
(It explodes.)
(JAKE is flung up and backwards as f*re and smoke takes out a good portion of the lobby.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HANSEN BUSINESS BUILDING -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk through the police vehicles and activity outside as they make their way to the crime scene.)
Catherine: Oh, these f*re guys really know how to trash a crime scene.
Grissom: That's what they do. Put wet stuff on the red stuff.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE meet up with BRASS in the front of what used to be the doors to the building. BRASS fills them in.)
Brass: We're all clear to go in, but here's what we got. Couple of head wounds. Elderly guy had his arm torn off. The only fatality so far is Jake Richards, a security guard. Body's still inside.
[INT. HANSEN BUILDING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE turn their flashlights on as they walk through the lobby. BRASS stands aside and looks around.)
Brass: How big you think this b*mb was?
Catherine: It's not the size of the b*mb. It's the overpressure in the air around it.
(They make their way toward the body. BRASS reaches it first and kneels down beside it. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both put their kits down as they look at the body.)
Grissom: The Van Gogh effect. In stereo. Both ears gone.
Catherine: A perfectly symmetrical amputation. Means he was looking directly at the b*mb when it went off.
Grissom: So either it drew his attention or it was contained in something that seemed benign.
(GRISSOM continues to look at the body. CATHERINE looks up and around.)
Grissom: (sniffs) Smell the sulfur?
Catherine: Uh-huh. [translation: yes]
Grissom: Got your lighter, Jim?
Brass: Sure.
(GRISSOM takes a small sample scraping of the black stuff on the body.)
Grissom: (to BRASS) Light this.
(The black powder on the Kn*fe explodes.)
Catherine: g*n.
Grissom: Well, we know the propellant. So would you care to make a preliminary call on this?
Catherine: I'd love to.
(CATHERINE stands up and moves to where the suitcase was on the floor indicated by the markings.)
Catherine: Seat of the b*mb is here. Victim was thrown ... three meters. His clothes are torn but not burnt, indicating a low-velocity propellant -- 6,000-
7,000 feet per second. Who? Why? Will he do it again?
(She shrugs.)
Catherine: Time will tell.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT./INT. HANSEN BUILDING - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT]
(Sirens wail in the background as emergency personnel continue to assist and sort through the damage.)
(Inside, GRISSOM looks around the floor among the debris.)
Grissom: The dirty little secret of b*mb is how easy they are to make and use.
(Standing off to the side are WARRICK, SARA and CATHERINE.)
Grissom: (continued) Our m*rder w*apon's here someplace in a thousand pieces.
(GRISSOM looks at the flowers that were delivered just before the expl*si*n on the ground.)
Grissom: (continued) We have to find it and put it back together again.
Warrick: Where do we start?
Grissom: If it's not growing pick it up. We cart everything we find back to the lab.
Sara: And then what?
Grissom: Stay curious.
(GRISSOM turns back to look through the debris. SARA stares at him for a moment still unsure of exactly what they're doing, then turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Sara: Can you fill in the blanks?
Catherine: b*mb explode. Weird thing is their components survive the expl*si*n. If we can piece together this b*mb, we're closer to finding who did this. So, Warrick, when you're photographing this debris can you, uh ... ?
Warrick: Uh, I know -- looky-loos.
CUT TO:
[EXT. HANSEN BUILDING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(Various sh*ts of the on-lookers. WARRICK crosses under the crime scene tape and starts taking pictures of the observers.)
[INT. HANSEN BUILDING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(Using a magnetic device, CATHERINE starts gathering the minute pieces of metal in the debris.)
(Cut to: SARA picks up a piece of metal and looks at it. She bags it.)
(Cut to: WARRICK looks at the damage to the lobby wall. The clock on the wall reads: 6:02.)
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. STRIP HOTEL/CASINO - THE ORPHEUS - NIGHT]
(NICK and his friend, ERIC, walk through the hotel toward the front door.)
Eric: Come on, Nick. It's my last night in Sin City. One more drink, man.
Nick: Oh, no. I just pulled a double and I still have to file my shift report.
(NICK hands the valet his ticket.)
Eric: Hey, you're off the clock. You'd have never passed up a wild night back at A&M.
Nick: Well, I guess I grew up.
Eric: Too bad. Check that out.
(ERIC indicates the two women walking down the sidewalk toward the building. He looks at them as they walk inside. They look at him as they walk by.)
Nick: Enjoy.
(They shake hands.)
Eric: You must really love your job, man.
(ERIC turns and round and calls out to the two women who just walked by. They turn around as he approaches them.)
Eric: Ladies ...
(NICK chuckles, then turns to leave. The valet brings NICK'S car up to the drive. NICK reaches into his pocket for the tip and walks over to the driver's side.)
Nick: Here you go. Thanks, man.
Valet: Thank you.
(NICK is just about to get into the car, when he hears a disturbance off in the distance.)
Kristy Hopkins: (o.s.) Get your hands off me! Let go of me. You don't own me. Nobody does.
Jack Willman: (o.s.) You're not going anywhere. You got that?
(NICK looks up and sees KRISTY HOPKINS arguing with a man who has his hand grasping her upper arm.)
Jack Willman: Come on. Relax a little bit. Settle down.
(NICK heads over to them.)
Nick: Kristy?
Kristy Hopkins: You don't own me, Jack.
(NICK starts to cross the street.)
Nick: Kristy!
Kristy Hopkins: Nobody does.
Jack Willman: I know, I know.
(NICK finally reaches them and stops a distance away from them. He gets their attention.)
Nick: Hey. Back off.
Jack: Hey, just mind your own business.
Kristy Hopkins: (pleading) Nick.
(JACK tries to shush her.)
Kristy Hopkins: (to JACK) I know him. He's a cop.
Nick: (corrects) Crime scene investigator.
Kristy Hopkins: Nick, tell him to leave me alone.
Jack Willman: Nobody tells me to do anything.
Nick: Hey, we going to have a problem?
Jack Willman: No, officer, we're not going to have a problem. See you around, baby.
(He kisses her on the neck, then lets her go. He leaves. KRISTY appears to be slightly rattled. NICK looks at her and notices.)
Nick: You okay?
Kristy Hopkins: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. That was good timing. Thanks.
Nick: I suppose you need a ride.
Kristy Hopkins: Do you mind?
Nick: No. Come on.
Kristy Hopkins: Thanks.
CUT TO:
[INT. CAR (PARKED) -- NIGHT]
(NICK and KRISTY sit in his car parked in her driveway.)
Kristy Hopkins: Seems like every time we run into each other I'm getting into trouble.
Nick: Not that it's any of my business but maybe you should think about changing careers.
Kristy Hopkins: Not every john is like that guy. Besides, I'm making a change. I'm going back to school.
(He looks at her and nods.)
Nick: Yeah?
Kristy Hopkins: I've always wanted to study communications. I'm good with people.
Nick: That's good.
Kristy Hopkins: You think so?
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Kristy Hopkins: Well, I'm going to go inside now. (pauses, then offers)
Unless, of course, you'd like to come in for a drink.
Nick: I don't think that'd be a good idea.
Kristy Hopkins: Come on. Just 'cause you're a crime scene analyst you don't have to analyze everything.
(She laughs. He laughs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HANSEN BUILDING]
(WARRICK, SARA and CATHERINE work at gathering evidence. WARRICK takes pictures. SARA extracts a tire out of the wall. CATHERINE picks up a portion of a gear. She dusts it off and looks at it under the glass. She finds a couple of letters etched into the gear piece.)
Catherine: F - P -
(Meanwhile, GRISSOM walks outside.)
Dominic Kretzker: Mr. Grissom.
(DOMINIC looks at GRISSOM and for a moment is flustered.)
Dominic Kretzker: Oh, uh ... hi, I've ... I've, um, I've seen you on tv before. I admire your work.
Grissom: Well, thank you. And your name is ... ?
Dominic Kretzker: Dominic. Uh, "I-C" rather than with the "I-C-K"... uh, Kretzker. I'm the, uh, Hansen Building Security Detail.
Grissom: Did somebody from homicide talk to you yet?
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah. As a matter of fact, they said that I was going to be talking to you, because, well, we are ... you know, we're both in law enforcement, and ...
Grissom: Right. Did you know the victim -- the other security guard?
Dominic Kretzker: Oh, yeah. He was one of my best buddies. As a matter of fact, you know, two minutes' difference it would've been my face all over the news instead of his, right?
(DOMINIC turns around to look at the news cameras and reporters just behind the crime scene tape.)
Grissom: Would you, uh, like to be on the news?
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah. Yeah. I mean ... only if I could help people, yes. No, no. I know what you're thinking. Uh, you know, my building blows up I'm over at Arby's sucking down some extra sauce. You know, how could I want to help people, right?
Grissom: Well, I mean, realistically, what could you have done?
Dominic Kretzker: Well, I know a lot about b*mb. You know, pipe, power, powder. The three "Ps" of mass destruction.
Grissom: Huh. Dominic ... with an "I-C," not "I-C-K" ...
Dominic Kretzker: Yes sir?
Grissom: Would you be interested in helping me in my investigation?
(DOMINIC stops and stares at GRISSOM.)
Dominic Kretzker: Are you serious? (he chuckles.) Yeah. Yes, sir. I'd be honored, sir. Oh. But we can't tell anybody on the day shift, though because they're going to get real jealous.
Grissom: That's good thinking. Would you excuse me a minute?
Dominic Kretzker: Yes.
(GRISSOM walks over to the OFFICER standing nearby.)
Grissom: (about DOMINIC) Keep an eye on that guy.
(GRISSOM heads back into the building. The OFFICER turns to look at DOMINIC who is just thrilled beyond anything.)
Dominic Kretzker: Oh, yes!
CUT TO:
[INT. HANSEN BUILDING - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks into the building.)
Grissom: Well, we got a live one out there. I got a cop baby-sitting him. How you doing?
Catherine: Well, are his initials "F.P."?
Grissom: No. Dominic Kretzker. Why?
Catherine: I found this near the point of origin.
(CATHERINE hands the gear piece to GRISSOM. He looks at it.)
Catherine: Whoever did this is playing with us.
Grissom: Or he wants to get caught.
(GRISSOM looks up at CATHERINE.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CAR (MOVING) -- DAY]
(NICK is driving and talking on his cell phone.)
Nick: Hey, it's me. You in the shower? What are you doing? Anyway, if you check your messages I don't have to work till later. So I thought, since you're between careers you might want to grab a late ...
(NICK pulls up in front of KRISTY HOPKINS' house and finds it surrounded by officer cars.)
Nick: ... breakfast.
(He pulls up. OFFICER ARVINGTON sees him.)
Officer Arvington: Hey, Nick, what's up?
Nick: Not a lot. What's ... what's going on?
Officer Arvington: It's a 419. d*ad prost*tute.
Nick: Who's the decedent?
Officer Arvington: Kristine Marie Hopkins. Day shift's got it covered. You all right?
(NICK looks over and sees ECKLIE talking with the LEAD DETECTIVE and they're both walking down the driveway.)
Nick: Yeah, I must've, uh ... I must've got my wires crossed. I'll see you.
Officer Arvington: All right, man.
(NICK drives off.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(DOMINIC KRETZKER explains how b*mb work to BRASS and WARRICK.)
Dominic Kretzker: All right, you cram this thing here with g*n, all right? Then you cap it here, and you cap it here. Now the grains inside, all right ... they're going to ignite and cause smoke. Lots and lots of smoke ... now, the problem is, all that smoke's here man it's got nowhere to go. Okay? It starts cooking ... and then ... bob's your uncle... boom!
Warrick: Grissom was right: You do know a lot about b*mb.
Brass: How did you learn so much?
Dominic Kretzker: Oh, they don't teach this stuff at universities. No, this is all trial and error.
Brass: So what, you just, uh, blow up b*mb and study them?
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah. Yeah...
(There's a light knocking on the door. MARGARET FINN walks in.)
Margaret Finn: Margaret Finn, Public Defender. Cease and desist any conversation with my client. I've been assigned to you. Guess the PD was thinking of all the lawsuits Richard Jewell brought when he was wrongfully accused.
Brass: Someone died in that office building.
Dominic Kretzker: Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person but these people-- they've been very, very good to me.
Margaret Finn: I'm sure they have.
Warrick: Dominic, I think you should go with your attorney. Thanks for your help, though.
(DOMINIC nods.)
Dominic Kretzker: All right I'll see you guys later.
(DOMINIC turns around and shakes their hands.)
Dominic Kretzker: Listen, do me a favor. Will you tell Grissom that, if he needs me just call me at home, okay?
Brass: All right.
(DOMINIC turns around to look at his attorney.)
Dominic Kretzker: Let's roll.
(He leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA looks at all the b*mb pieces they've gathered spread out on the table in front of them. CATHERINE explains it to her.)
Sara: So all this stuff is from a five-meter radius of the point of origin?
Catherine: Yep.
Sara: How could the victim possibly have been in one piece?
Catherine: Vacuum effect. The air is being pushed out so fast ...
(Quick CGI to: The hands of the clock h*t 12, the electrical pulse is sent through the wires and to the g*n where it ignites.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... when the b*mb detonates ...
(End of CGI. White flash to the moment where JAKE RICHARDS leans down to pick up the suitcase. Everything stops in that moment as the b*mb explodes.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... there's a calm at the center.
(The b*mb explodes and everything and everyone is pushed away.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(SARA looks down at the items on the table and picks up the gear piece with the etching on it.)
Sara: Calm, huh?
Catherine: Well, except for when he lost his ears.
Sara: Did you figure out what this "FP" stands for?
Catherine: I ran it through A*F's b*mb database. No profile.
Sara: So our b*mb's a newbie. Does he fit Grissom's wack job from the b*mb site?
Catherine: Dominic the security guard? It's too soon to tell.
(GRISSOM walks in carrying something. He holds it out for them to look ati.)
Grissom: I found something interesting.
Sara: What is it?
(CATHERINE looks at it under the glass.)
Catherine: Looks like a balance wheel from a clock.
Grissom: b*mb was time-delayed. This is a piece of the timing device.
Sara: What about the orange stuff?
Grissom: Heat of the expl*si*n must have melted whatever it is all around the wheel. So, Sara?
Sara: Mmm?
Grissom: What's orange and melts?
Sara: I would have to investigate that.
Grissom: Thank you.
(NICK walks into the room.)
Nick: Hey, guys. (to GRISSOM) Can I steal you for a minute?
Grissom: I thought this was your day off.
Catherine: We're kind of busy here, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry, but I don't think this can wait.
Grissom: Okay.
(They step out of the lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM sits behind his desk. He sighs.)
Grissom: You told me you weren't dating her.
Nick: I wasn't till last night after I broke up her fight with this guy, uh ... Jack.
Grissom: And Ecklie's at her house now.
Nick: Yeah, and I can tell you what he's going to find. My fingerprints; my DNA.
Grissom: What were you thinking, Nicky?
Nick: I wasn't.
(Quick flashback to: That night, KRISTY leans toward NICK and kisses him.)
Nick: (V.O.) We had a connection, you know? A chemistry thing, I guess.
(White flash to: NICK and KRISTY are in bed kissing.)
Nick: (V.O.) She was irresistible, man.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: I took off around four.
Grissom: Ecklie's going to be all over this.
(CATHERINE knocks lightly on the door and walks into the office.)
Catherine: Hey, Nick ... I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
(She puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.)
Nick: Who told you?
Catherine: Word travels. It was the day shift coroner.
Nick: So people know I was with Kristy last night?
Catherine: Not yet.
Nick: Maybe I should just go to Ecklie and tell him I was there.
Grissom: When you're a suspect and you're innocent, keep your mouth shut. I'll talk to Ecklie.
Catherine: Bad idea. You and Ecklie ... oil and water. Just let me get into it.
(NICK stands up.)
Nick: I can't just sit here.
Grissom: Okay, go for a walk. Maybe you'll accidentally bump into your guy, "Jack?"
Nick: Yeah.
(NICK gets it. He turns to leave the office.)
Grissom: I.D. him, but don't approach him.
(NICK turns around to look at GRISSOM.)
Nick: Okay.
(He shakes his head, then leaves the office.)
Catherine: If Nick's arrested. it's not going to matter that he's cleared later.
(CATHERINE sits down.)
Grissom: No. It's an a*t*matic dismissal.
(She leans back and sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS starts the autopsy on KRISTY HOPKINS.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: 25-year-old female caucasian. Liver temp's indicating time of death at 0600. Petichial hemorrhaging, cyanotic tongue. Can I help you, Catherine?
(CATHERINE walks into the room.)
CATHEIRNE; I just want to see the body, David.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Unless I'm mistaken, this is Ecklie's case.
Catherine: Eyes, no hands.
(DR. ROBBINS doesn't say anything. CATHERINE turns to look at the body.)
Catherine: Look at those ligature marks.
Dr. Robbins: Petichials ... blue tongue, the works.
Catherine: Raccoon eyes excoriation around the neck. She didn't give up easy.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Struggled and strangled.
Catherine: Ecklie find the m*rder w*apon?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I only deal with bodies.
Catherine: Did you check for fingerprints on the body?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Not yet.
Catherine: Half-life of fingerprints on flesh ... they're disappearing as we speak.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Catherine, I like Nick, too. I know you're here for him. But what if I lift his prints from her?
Catherine: Then that's what you report. Evidence, Doc ... (shakes her head) ... all we got.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
[SCOPE VIEW of the piece GRISSOM found earlier. He compares the damaged piece with a second in-tact piece.)
(GRISSOM studies the pieces under the scope. There's ticking sounds coming from around him. Suddenly, an alarm rings. GRISSOM looks up.)
SARA; Hey.
(The alarm continues to ring annoyingly.)
Grissom: Could you find that and turn it off, please?
(SARA checks the clocks on the table, then finds it and turns it off. The alarm stops ringing. She picks up another clock.)
SARA; Find the clock our guy used?
Grissom: (sighs) Not yet.
Sara: This is a good choice. According to the b*mb data center which has a record of every component used in any b*mb -- from Ted Kaczynski to teenage boys playing with fireworks -- the most recent timing device of choice is made by TimeTell SnoozeWell, $10.99 at any local drugstore.
(SARA hands the alarm clock she's holding to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You spoiled all my fun.
(GRISSOM starts unscrewing the back of the clock off. WARRICK walks into the office.)
Warrick: Gris, can I get clear on something here?
Grissom: Anything's possible.
Warrick: Catherine gave me this "FP" which was part of the Hansen b*mb and I'm supposed to figure out what tool the b*mb used to engrave it.
Grissom: You isolate the tool, and then we trace it.
Warrick: Yeah, but he could've used any number of things to initial it. I mean, screwdriver, a drill bit, a box cutter.
Grissom: It's the same as g*n -- we eliminate them one at a time.
Warrick: What are you guys doing?
Sara: (smugly) We're going to go blow up some b*mb.
Warrick: (envious) Oh, I definitely got the wrong end of this investigation.
Grissom: (to WARRICK'S retreating back) Alas, poor Warrick.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(Camera slowly pans across the table that has various etching devices on it. One by one, WARRICK uses them and compares it to the "FP" on the gear.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(ECKLIE leans against the door frame knocking on the door. CATHERINE walks up to him.)
Catherine: Oh, hey, uh Conrad, Grissom's in the field.
Conrad Ecklie: I need to speak with him.
Catherine: And I need to speak with you ... about Nick Stokes.
Conrad Ecklie: Well, let me guess ... about his involvement with a d*ad hooker?
Catherine: Come on. The hooker was a person. Her name was Kristy Hopkins.
Conrad Ecklie: I realize that. Thank you. I just came from the lab. His prints were all over Kristy Hopkins' house. Let's see, wine glass ... oh, bedside table.
(CATHERINE nods. NICK walks up to them.)
Nick: How's it going, Cath?
Catherine: Nick, I don't think that you guys should be talking.
Nick: It's no big deal. What's up, Ecklie?
Conrad Ecklie: I need a DNA sample from you, Nick.
Nick: I assume you're trying to prove Kristy Hopkins and I were sexually active last night.
Conrad Ecklie: We found a condom, used.
Nick: And my DNA will match, no warrant necessary. And I have something else for you.
(NICK hands ECKLIE a piece of paper with writing on it.)
Nick: I got this off a valet surveillance tape.
Conrad Ecklie: A license plate number? Vehicle belongs to Jack Willman. Had a fight with Kristy Hopkins outside the Orpheus last night around midnight.
Conrad Ecklie: Well, I'll look into it but come on -- your fingerprints, your DNA --that's what's going into evidence.
Nick: You just love that, don't you?
Conrad Ecklie: You think I want to believe that a CSI could commit m*rder? Hell, I don't even want to believe that a CSI could sleep with a hooker.
Catherine: You know what? Nick's private life ...
Conrad Ecklie: (interrupts) Is no longer private. (b*at) Catherine, I'm sorry if you guys don't like where the evidence is pointing. But show me otherwise -- tell me I'm wrong. In the meantime, my hands are tied. I have protocol to follow.
(ECKLIE turns and leaves. NICK sighs and heads out the hallway. CATHERINE turns and follows NICK.)
Nick: I hate that guy.
Catherine: Okay, look, I'm going to get O'Riley to track down this Jack guy for questioning. But I am out on a limb for you here, Nick. Just don't make it harder with Ecklie, okay?
Nick: (nods) Yeah.
(NICK leaves.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and SARA stand over the suitcase in the middle of a concrete slab.)
Grissom: We find the b*mb by understanding the b*mb. Fortunately, Catherine figured out the exterior container.
Sara: Aluminum briefcase.
(They turn and head off to the side.)
Grissom: And we know the timing device.
Sara: Snoozewell.
Grissom: And the propellant.
Sara: Black g*n.
Grissom: So the final piece of the b*mb's signature?
Sara: Identify the pipe containing the powder.
Grissom: Three b*mb, scaled down five-to-one three different metal pipes. Different metals fly different distances when the same force is applied. Number one is a plumber's ex-flow pipe. Number two is an inflow pipe which is thinner. Number three is galvanized steel which is the thinnest metal of them all.
(They reach the safe blast distance, then put on the earphones. SARA looks at GRISSOM and puts a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.)
Sara: You ready?
Grissom: (nods) Mm-hmm.
Sara: Let's do it, Dan.
(DAN gives SARA a thumbs up and ignites the first b*mb. It explodes.)
(The debris is green.)
Grissom: Green. That's the ex-flow pipe.
(The second b*mb explodes.)
Grissom: Inflow pipe, blue.
(The third b*mb explodes.)
Grissom: Red-- the galvanized steel.
(Cut to: GRISSOM measures the distance from the blast center.)
Grissom: Last piece of green: Ten feet.
(SARA puts down evidence marker #1.)
Grissom: Blue: 16 feet.
(SARA puts down evidence marker #2.)
Grissom: Red: 20 feet.
(SARA puts down the final evidence marker #3. GRISSOM picks up a piece and looks at it.)
Sara: Fragments from the galvanized steel traveled the farthest.
Grissom: 20 feet. Extrapolating five to one that would be 100 feet.
Sara: That's the outer limit of visible metal detritus at the Hansen building.
Grissom: So the b*mb was housed in a thin container of galvanized steel -- like a muffler or a tailpipe. I've seen it before. It's a common container for homemades.
Brass: Don't you love the smell of sulfur in the afternoon? You might want to go and take a tour of Dominic Kretzker's house. I tracked down the sale of SnoozeWell clocks. Nine hundred twenty-six credit card purchases in the last three months in Clark County -- seven to Dominic Kretzker of Prairie Road.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN.
[EXT. PRAIRIE ROAD - EVENING]
(The vehicles drive up the driveway.)
Dispatcher: (over radio) 15, cal 24 is your backup.
(DOMINIC is out on the porch waiting for them.)
Dominic Kretzker: Hey, hey.
Brass: That your scanner?
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah, that's how I knew you were coming. Makes me feel like I'm part of things.
(He shakes their hands.)
Dominic Kretzker: Mr. Grissom. What can I do for you guys?
Grissom: Dominic ... this is the type of device that was used to set off the Hansen b*mb. We have proof that you purchased the same make of clock.
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah. Yeah, I recognize that. That houses a nice little detonator.
Brass: Want to show us that clock of yours?
Dominic Kretzker: (welcoming) Why, sure. Come on in.
(DOMINIC turns and heads back inside. GRISSOM and BRASS look at each other, then follow.)
[INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
Dominic Kretzker: The place is kind of a mess. Sorry.
(BRASS and GRISSOM walk into the room. DOMINIC walks over to the table where there's a file box filed with stuff on the floor.)
Dominic Kretzker: Here.
(He bends over to pick up the box.)
Dominic Kretzker: Here it is.
(He puts the box on the table and picks up the alarm clock.)
Dominic Kretzker: Timetell Snoozewell. $10.99. Well, you can get it for half price if you got a coupon.
(He gives it to DOMINIC.)
Grissom: The timing device is still intact.
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah, 'cause I haven't made the b*mb yet.
Grissom: But you have made b*mb before using parts from this make?
Dominic Kretzker: Well, yeah. Yeah. I blow them out in back all the time. I blasted a few of them a couple months ago.
Brass: Look what I found. Sulfur. You blow up any b*mb recently?
(DOMINIC picks up something else from the box. BRASS hands the piece he found with globs of melted orange on it. Camera moves in for a close up of the piece.)
Grissom: Is this from the Hansen b*mb?
Dominic Kretzker: Sure is.
Brass: You keep your key piece of evidence that could nail you?
Dominic Kretzker: Hey, that's sentimental.
Brass: Well, that's cute.
Dominic Kretzker: No. I mean, it is. That's like, you know, Waco and Trade Center. That's historical. I didn't have a w*r, all right? I'm too flatfooted for the P.D. And that's as close to history as I'm going to get. I collect souvenirs. I mean, th-that's my building, you know. I mean ... that was my place of employment, man.
(MARGARET FINN walks into the living room.)
Margaret Finn: You're going to be sorry, talking to my client.
Brass: We called you. We left word.
Margaret Finn: Dominic, don't speak.
Dominic Kretzker: If I had anything to hide, I'd hide it. I'm pretty proud of that container piece, I'll tell you.
Brass: Well, maybe so but you're under arrest. Put him in the car.
Dominic Kretzker: (to GRISSOM) You-you kidding? Oh.
(The OFFICER steps forward and puts the handcuffs on DOMINIC'S wrists. In the background, sirens approach.)
Dominic Kretzker: (to GRISSOM) Cuffs?
Brass: Well, vultures never sleep, huh?
(The news crews and cameras drive up the roadway toward the house.)
Dominic Kretzker: (to GRISSOM) Could you do me a favor? Will you put the jacket over them? I don't want to be seen like this. Especially on TV. This is not who I am.
(GRISSOM places a jacket over the handcuffs.)
Dominic Kretzker: Thanks, Partner.
(The OFFICERS take DOMINIC out of the house. GRISSOM watches them go.)
Grissom: (to BRASS) I can't tell whether he's brilliant or... nuts.
Brass: Sound familiar? Tell you one thing: If he's guilty, he's putting on one hell of a show.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(SARA puts a sample of the orange melted stuff in a tube and tests it.)
(The printer prints out the results. She looks at it. It reads: )
Sample Name : b*mb FRAGMENTS
Misc Info : MEOH
Vial Number : 22
Findings : polyethelene, terephtalete
Sara: Polyethylene? Terephtalete?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - MORGUE]
(DR. ROBBINS opens the door with "HOPKINS" on it. He pulls the table out. He lifts the sheet to uncover her face. NICK sighs.)
Nick: You contact her family?
Dr. Albert Robbins: No family to speak of.
Nick: Has anyone claimed her for burial? Friend? Old roommate?
Dr. Albert Robbins: There's no one. City will be footing the bill.
(NICK looks down at her.)
Nick: No. I'll pay.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Sure that's prudent, given the circumstances?
Nick: Doc, I'm giving this girl a proper burial. I don't much care about my career right now. Someone wants to throw me in jail for that so be it.
(DR. ROBBINS pulls the sheet back over her face.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JAIL -- DAY]
(The doors slide close. GRISSOM walks up to the bars.)
Grissom: How you doing?
(DOMINIC nods his head.)
Dominic Kretzker: Just kind of using the current experience to understand the other side of law enforcement.
Grissom: That's resourceful.
Dominic Kretzker: You think I'm guilty, don't you?
Grissom: I think the evidence raises some serious questions about your involvement.
Dominic Kretzker: That is crazy. I mean, come on. I'm one of the good guys. I know the cops went through my things. Did they find anything?
Grissom: Dominic, you have an attorney now. I can't really talk to you about your case. I was here on another matter and I thought I'd come by.
Dominic Kretzker: You do what I do.
Grissom: Excuse me?
Dominic Kretzker: You don't just, like stop by to see someone. You ... make up an excuse like "I'm in the area. Just stopping by." Wow. You're just like me. Except better-looking.
Grissom: I'll come by and see you later, okay?
Dominic Kretzker: Okay.
(GRISSOM heads back and sees BRASS leaning against the open door frame looking grim.)
Grissom: What?
Brass: Bad news. Another Fourth of July.
Grissom: Where?
Brass: Thrift Right Car Rental on Flamingo. Ten minutes ago.
(GRISSOM turns to look back at DOMINIC who sits patiently in his cell.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. THIFT RIGHT CAR RENTA -- NIGHT]
(Emergency personnel are all over the parking lot area in the rain. BRASS fills in everyone on what they know.)
Brass: So, the manager was working the lot when he heard the blast. Fatality was on the check-in line and died on the way to the hospital.
Sara: Anybody report hearing any noise? Ticking?
Brass: No. No one heard anything.
Sara: Oh. It's not the firemen -- it's the rain. This crime scene is trashed.
(GRISSOM look down on the ground and picks up something.)
Sara: What do you have?
Grissom: Form follows function. They've never been able to make a better one. Mousetrap.
Sara: That orange stuff again.
Grissom: Someone picks it up motion trips the trap, sets off the timer.
(Quick CGI POV of the trap tripping, the timer sending the spark through the wire. The b*mb detonates.)
Sara: (V.O.) Which sets off the b*mb.
(It explodes.)
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(SARA looks around the parking lot, then notices the MANAGER speaking with an OFFICER. She sees something.)
Sara: Be right back.
(SARA leaves and heads toward them. GRISSOM turns to BRASS.)
Grissom: We say nothing to the media or anybody. Our b*mb's signature just got a little more sophisticated.
(SARA walks up to the MANAGER.)
Sara: Excuse me. Hi. I'm with the crime lab. I'm sorry, but I have to take your jacket.
(The MANAGER looks down at his orange jacket, then takes it off.)
Manager: Um ... okay. If it'll help.
(He gives the jacket to SARA.)
Sara: Thanks.
(The officer leads the MANAGER off to another direction.)
Officer: Let's go.
Manager: Okay.
(GRISSOM and BRASS join SARA.)
Grissom: What are you doing?
Sara: Polyethylene-terephtalete.
(SARA gathers up the jacket.)
Grissom: Polyester.
Sara: "Orange stuff".
(She turns and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JAIL -- NIGHT]
(The jail door slides open.)
Grissom: You're free to go. I wanted to tell you in person.
Dominic Kretzker: You mean you weren't just in the neighborhood?
(They both walk slowly toward the door.)
Dominic Kretzker: That second b*mb -- it wasn't remote, was it? Otherwise, I'd still be a suspect.
Grissom: I can't discuss it.
Dominic Kretzker: So I guess you're not going to be needing my expertise anymore. I mean, investigation-wise. (he sighs) I knew it was too good to be true.
(DOMINIC turns to GRISSOM and salutes him.)
Dominic Kretzker: Well, proud to have worked with you, sir.
Grissom: Dominic ... I'm not a police officer. I-I-I'm a Crime Scene Analyst.
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah, but we know who really solves the crimes, don't we, sir?
(They shake hands.)
Grissom: Good luck. Take care of yourself.
Dominic Kretzker: Thank you.
(GRISSOM turns to leave. He stops and turns back around.)
Grissom: Hey, Dom?
Dominic Kretzker: Yeah?
Grissom: Next time try not to be quite so trusting. You don't need to be a hero.
(GRISSOM leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(JACK WILLMAN sits at the table in the room. In the observation room, CATHERINE keeps and eye on him. ECKLIE walks into the observation room.)
Catherine: I ran priors. The guy's got an '88 conviction for sexual as*ault.
Conrad Ecklie: (smugly) Boy, if I ever get in trouble, I know which CSI I'm going to.
CATHERINE Let's watch the show.
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
(In the room, DET. O'RILEY takes a seat opposite JACK WILLMAN.)
Det. O'Riley: How would you characterize your relationship with Kristy Hopkins?
Jack: Sir, we can just cut the crap. I saw him k*ll Kristy. I saw everything.
Det. O'Riley: Go on.
Jack: Well, Kristy and I, we had words. I was just swinging by her place to tell her I was sorry, but, uh ...
(Quick flashback to: JACK looks inside the house and sees KRISTY and NICK arguing loudly.)
Jack Willman: (V.O.) I didn't expect to see her with a guy.
(NICK pushes KRISTY down on the couch. She grabs something and throws it at him.)
Jack Willman: (V.O.) They were fighting. I couldn't make out what they were saying but he was pushing her around pretty hard.
(NICK grabs KRISTY and starts choking her.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Det. O'Riley: Could you I.D. this guy?
Jack Willman: It was, like, Nick something. Kristy and I bumped into him at the Orpheus earlier.
Det. O'Riley: And you saw him k*ll her?
Jack: Well, I saw him get violent, and I took off.
Det. O'Riley: And you didn't try to help the girl?
Jack: He's one of you guys. He carries a g*n. I'm no hero. So, could I go?
(DET. O'RILEY glances over at the mirror. CATHERINE shakes her head.)
Det. O'Riley: Yeah.
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(ECKLIE turns smugly to CATHERINE.)
Conrad Ecklie: The witness sounds believable.
Catherine: It's a load of crap, and you know it.
(The door opens and SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY walks in.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: I was listening. He seemed credible to me.
Catherine: Sheriff, you arrest Nick now you end his career.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: So, what can you offer me?
Catherine: Nothing, except my gut and ten years of experience. He didn't do this.
Conrad Ecklie: Ignore the evidence against Stokes it looks like special favors for CSI.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, I can't have that. Not and keep my post.
Catherine: So give me twelve hours, access to the crime scene and evidence without filing papers on Nick.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Twelve hours. But then we arrest Mr. Stokes with all the attendant documentation.
(The SHERIFF leaves the room. ECKLIE glances at CATHERINE and follows. CATHERINE turns back to look at the empty interview room.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GREG works in his lab with his ear phones on. CATHERINE walks up to him and takes the ear phones off. She leans down and looks at GREG as he raises his head.)
Catherine: (quietly) How you doing, Greg?
Greg Sanders: Same as you. Worried about Nick.
Catherine: Yeah. I need to see his DNA from the crime scene. You have it, right?
Greg Sanders: A sample from the condom, yeah. Popsicled in the freezer. But, uh, it's not your case. Much as I want to help, no can do.
Catherine: That's my case for the next twelve hours. Ask the Sheriff.
Greg Sanders: I would never doubt your word.
Catherine: Smart man.
(GREG opens the freezer and takes out the envelope. He removes the slide and puts it under the scope.)
Greg Sanders: Nick's little soldiers. It's all you.
Catherine: Thanks, Greg.
[SCOPE VIEW]
Catherine: When did you say this sample was frozen?
Greg Sanders: Um ... 10:15 A.M. Why?
Catherine: These guys are all heads-- no tails.
(Something occurs to CATHERINE. GREG moves over to look through the scope. CATHERINE rushes out of the
Greg Sanders: That's normal, given the post-ej*cul*te time frame. How is that going to help Nick?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(CATHERINE fills GRISSOM in on her theory.)
Catherine: The sperm found in the condom was frozen at 10:15 A.M. It's all heads, no tails.
Grissom: I'm not quite up to speed on the particulars of ...
Catherine: It takes about seven hours for bacteria to eat away at the tails placing the time of ejaculation at around 2:00 A.M. But Kristy's time of death was 6:00 A.M.
Grissom: Well, it suggests a lag between ejaculation and Kristy's m*rder but it doesn't disprove Nick's presence at the time of the homicide.
Catherine: You could be a little more supportive.
(CATHERINE walks away. SARA walks out of a nearby lab.)
Sara: I have a new favorite color.
Grissom: Orange?
Sara: The orange polyester from the b*mb is a match to the thrift-right jacket. Guess where their regional headquarters is located.
Grissom: The Hansen Building.
Sara: You bet. I ran a Lexis search looking for disgruntled employees, irate customers anyone with a grievance against thrift-right.
Grissom: You get any hits?
Sara: Norman Stirling -- former manager.
Grissom: How disgruntled?
Sara: Let go last year. Caused a commotion at HQ. Filed lawsuits against the company. Guy's been out of work ever since.
(SARA turns and heads back to the lab.)
Grissom: Sitting around making b*mb.
CUT TO:
[INT. STIRLING RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(In the garage, NORMAL STIRLING tinkers with his car while his son, TYLER, sweeps the floors. BRASS, SARA and a couple of officers walk up the driveway.)
Brass: Norman Stirling?
Norman Stirling: Yes. What's going on?
Sara: "FP."
Norman Stirling: What?
Sara: You don't recognize those initials?
(Behind him, a couple of officers come in through the doorway from the house.)
Norman Stirling: What's this about?
Brass: The b*mb of the thrift-right car rental and the b*mb of the Hansen Building.
Norman Stirling: A-a b*mb? Are you kidding? I've never even been near a b*mb my entire life.
Sara: Well, those orange jackets over there appear to match the materials the b*mb were wrapped in.
Norman Stirling: I used to wear those to go to work.
Brass: You were let go by ThriftRright last year, and lost a court battle to get your job back. In fact, they filed a TRO against you for throwing furniture around their headquarters last July.
Norman Stirling: I want to call my lawyer.
Brass: Good. You can call him from the car. He can meet us at the PD. Take him in. Come on, let's go.
(BRASS takes a hold of NORMAL STIRLING and the OFFICERS put cuffs on him.)
Norman Stirling: (to TYLER) Call your mom.
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. HOPKINS' RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(CATHERINE walks up the pathway and up to the front door where she cuts the tape to the house.)
(Cut to: In the bedroom, CATHERINE peels back the sheets and checks the bed.)
(Cut to: In the living room, CATHERINE checks the sofa and under the cushions.)
(She stops and looks around. From the curtains, to the fireplace and on to the other curtains where she definitely notices something.)
(CATHERINE takes out the autopsy photographs and looks at the cord used to tie back the curtains. She compares it with the markings found around KRISTY'S neck. She's found the m*rder w*apon.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(CATHERINE drops the cord out onto the table in front of GREG.)
Catherine: (V.O.) Kristy Hopkins was strangled with this sash.
(She puts the evidence bag aside and continues to explain what she wants.)
Catherine: It's fingerprint-free, but the force of the pull would have scratched off epithelials from the k*ller's hands, right?
Greg Sanders: Abraded, yeah.
Catherine: And can you extract DNA from epithelials?
Greg Sanders: If they're fresh enough.
(GREG gets to work. He takes a swab from the cord, then puts the sample under the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW]
Greg Sanders: Okay, epithelials are an affirmative. And they're good to go for DNA profiling. I'm just going to need something to compare it to.
Catherine: Jack Willman has a prior for a sexual as*ault so his DNA is on file.
(GREG turns around to check on the database.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK paces the floor. CATHERINE walks in.)
Nick: Well?
Catherine: I think that you and I should head over to the police station.
Nick: (nods) DNA didn't pan out, huh?
Catherine: (smiles sadly) Never have I seen such a clean match. Jack Willman k*lled her.
(Quick flashback to: That night in KRISTY'S living room, JACK WILLMAN has the cord tied tight around her neck and chokes her. She struggles.)
(Cut to: After KRISTY'S d*ad, he unwraps the cord from her neck. Cut to: He puts the cord back around the curtain.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK sighs.)
Nick: (smiles) Thank you.
(He hugs CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Hey ... hey, I'm just doing my job. Besides, if they'd sent you to jail I'd get stuck with all your cases.
(NICK laughs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB]
(WARRICK continues to look at the "FP" etching on the gear piece. GRISSOM walks in.)
Grissom: Dispatch said you were looking for me?
Warrick: Yeah. I finally matched this "FP." To this electric etcher. Now, I made an exemplar. Boom! Identical type of striations. The manufacturer says that this etcher is only used for training purposes. And it's only sold in bulk. It was not sold to Norman Stirling.
Grissom: So who bought it?
Warrick: Las Vegas School District. I called the district, and we traced it down to one high school -- summit high.
(GRISSOM looks at the paper.)
Warrick: Stirling's son goes there.
(GRISSOM looks at WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(TYLER STIRLING and NORMAN STIRLING are being interviewed by BRASS and GRISSOM.)
Brass: Tyler, were you aware of your father's lawsuits against thrift-right car rental?
Tyler Stirling: It was kind of hard not to be. I mean, it's all him and my mom talked about for a year. Until she left.
Grissom: Do you miss your mother?
Tyler Stirling: I miss our old life.
Norman Stirling: (quietly) Is there something that we should be talking about? You know, in private?
Tyler Stirling: You said that's how corporations do it-- in private. See, they treated him great at work, in front of everyone. And then they let him go at the end of the day when no one's around. Thirty years of service, and then ... you know, they realized they could hire two young guys at half the price.
Brass: What does "FP" stand for? It was etched into both b*mb.
Grissom: We think you engraved it with an implement from your high school shop class.
(NORMAN looks at TYLER.)
Tyler Stirling: "Fair play."
(As soon as TYLER answers, NORMAN'S face falls with the realization that his son did it ... for him.)
Norman Stirling: I used to yell that around the house -- that I was owed fair play.
Tyler Stirling: I mean, they threw him out like trash.
Norman Stirling: And you sent them b*mb?!
Tyler Stirling: You said you wanted to k*ll them.
Norman Stirling: How did you even know how to do this?
Tyler Stirling: Off the internet.
(GRISSOM closes his eyes.)
Tyler Stirling: Dad, are you mad at me? I did it for you.
Grissom: Tyler, did you make any more b*mb? Where are they? Where are you keeping them?
Norman Stirling: Tyler ... if you did this for me ... please tell them where they are.
CUT TO:
[INT. KRETZKER'S RESIDENCE]
(DOMINIC listens to the scanner.)
Dispatch: Victor 9, victor 9, report to summit high school, prairie road. Repeat -- Prairie Road. Reported b*mb outside classroom 22b, in locker 897.
(DOMINIC grabs his jacket, puts it on and leaves the house. The DISPATCH continues.)
Dispatch: b*mb is trigger-activated and motion-delayed. Do not handle.
CUT TO:
[EXT. SUMMIT HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY]
(The alarm rings and the voice over the PA instructs students where to go.)
Man Over P.A.: All students and faculty and all school personnel please exit the building. Security detail! Let's go!
(Students calmly leave the school. DOMINIC rushes into the school passing by students.)
Dominic Kretzker: I need classroom 22b.
Male Voice: Second floor!
Dominic Kretzker: Where's 22b?
[INT. STAIRS TO SECOND FLOOR - CONTINUOUS]
(DOMINIC rushes up the stairs. He passes by students on their way out.)
Dominic: Come on, people! Don't stop.
Male Voice: Come on. MALE VOICE: Outside.
P.A.: All students and all faculty...
Dominic: Come on, people, don't run.
P.A.: All personnel are to exit the building immediately.
Male Voice: Let's go. Everybody outside.
P.A.: All students and faculty please exit the facility immediately and regroup in your designated areas.
(DOMINIC reaches the red lockers and takes out a pocket Kn*fe that he uses to jimmy the locker open. He opens the locker and finds the b*mb inside.)
(He picks up the package. As soon as he moves it, the motion trigger sets off the clock timer.)
(Quick CGI POV in through the box and to the alarm clock inside. The second hand starts moving. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(DOMINIC cautiously carries the package and heads back for the front door.)
Dominic Kretzker: Get out of my way, people. Come around me.
(Sirens wail outside.)
(Cut to: Outside, GRISSOM pulls up. He stops the car and runs out with the other OFFICERS. The students continue to run out of the school.)
(As the last of them leave, DOMINIC exits the building carrying the package.)
Grissom: Dominic, stop! Stop right there. Put it down!
Dominic Kretzker: (smiles) No, it's all right. Everyone's safe.
Grissom: No, no, no. Drop it. It's active!
(Suddenly, DOMINIC stops smiling. He hears the clock timer ticking.)
(Everything comes to a stop.)
(Quick CGI POV to: Inside the package, the second hand hits 12. The charge goes off. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(DOMINIC looks down at the package in his hands.)
(OFF GRISSOM: As GRISSOM and the others watch, the b*mb explodes.)
(They're thrown back by the impact of the expl*si*n. GRISSOM sits up and takes off his glasses.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(O'RILEY escorts JACK WILLMAN down the hallway. CATHERINE and NICK walk in.)
Nick: Hi. Just the guy I wanted to see.
(O'RILEY puts a hand on NICK to stop him from getting any closer.)
Catherine: O'Riley.
(CATHERINE shakes her head and they both step aside.)
Nick: Tell me why you did it.
Jack Willman: I got nothing to say to you, cowboy.
(NICK grabs JACK and pushes his back up against the wall.)
Nick: She was going back to college, turning her life around getting out of the business, and you k*lled her for it! Why?
Jack Willman: Is that what she told you? She was getting out of the business? She was going to college to recruit more girls.
Nick: Do you think I'm going to believe the John that k*lled her?
Jack Willman: Oh, you think I was her client? I was her pimp. She was leaving me to start her own racket. So wake up. This isn't pretty woman. She's not Julia Roberts. You're not Richard Gere.
(JACK takes a step aside, NICK grabs him and pushes him back up against the wall.)
Nick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you're right. Because there's no happy ending for you. Twenty-five to life.
Catherine: Get him out of here.
(O'RILEY steps forward.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM eats his dinner and reads the front page of the paper. He looks at it, then smiles.)
Grissom: (to himself) Above the fold.
(He tears out the article.)
(Cut to: Out in the hallway, GRISSOM pins the article onto the bulletin board, above the section, "ONE OF OUR OWN".)
(The article headline reads: LOCAL HERO GIVES HIS LIFE. There's a photo of DOMINIC KRETZKER on the right with the caption: "Dominic Kretzker Saves Summit High Students". The caption under the headline reads: "Dominic Kretzker sacrificed his life today for the students of Summit High School. The article was written by Marilyn Mancia, Staff Writer.)
[The entire article reads: "Dominic Kretzker sacrificed his life today for the students of Summit High School when the b*mb he was removing exploded in his hands. Mr. Kretzker, a security guard at the Hansen Building, which was b*mb just days ago, learned of the b*mb thr*at at the High School and raced there to lend a hand. As a b*mb enthusiast, Mr. Kretzker had extensive knowledge of how b*mb worked. He'd located the b*mb in a student's locker and was carrying it away from the student population to a container. But despite his expertise, he was unable to reach safety in time. (Repeats two more times.)]
(GRISSOM walks away. The camera slowly pushes into the article and the photo of DOMINIC.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x13 - Boom"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - DAY]
CUT TO:
[EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - DAY]
(A stick is thrown high in the air and SKY jumps up to catch it in her mouth. She makes her way back to her owners.)
Matthew: Come on, Sky! Come on Sky. Sky, come on.
(MATTHEW picks up the stick that SKY drops in front of him. He throws it as far as he can. SKY runs off to get it.)
Matthew: Go get it, girl!
(SKY barks as she runs to get it. SKY tops and picks it up, then heads back to MATTHEW.)
Matthew: Come on, Sky. Come on, girl. Bring it back.
(SKY drops the stick at MATTHEW'S feet and barks. MATTHEW bends over to pat SKY on her head and pick up the stick.)
Matthew: Good girl.
(MATTHEW gets a good look at the stick.)
Matthew: That's not sky's stick.
(MATTHEW gives the stick to ROBB.)
Robb: What do you got there, Sky? Come here, girl. What did you get here?
Matthew: Dad, what is it?
Robb: Nothing ... it's just ... uh, just an old bone probably from a d*ad animal or something.
(ROBB looks around as SKY barks.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - NIGHT]
(By the light of the flashlight, GRISSOM looks at the bone. CATHERINE looks around the desert.)
Grissom: It's a tibia ... or most of a tibia.
Catherine: How long you think it's been out here?
Grissom: Well, long enough for the animals to pick it clean.
Catherine: And long enough for the elements to have washed away any evidence.
Grissom: Evidence of what?
Catherine: Well, it is a leg bone, and my guess is that it didn't walk out here by itself.
Grissom: It could have been a hiker who got lost. It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst.
Catherine: You see, that way, I'm never disappointed. You know, sometimes I'm nicely surprised. So, can we call it a crime scene?
Grissom: Potential crime scene. Did you know that there's 206 bones in the human body?
Catherine: Yes, professor, I, too, took Osteology.
Grissom: Well, 205 more bones and we have a complete skeleton. If we find the rest, then we can determine whether or not it was a m*rder.
Catherine: Well, I feel it in every one of my 206 bones that this was a m*rder.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM walks out of the break room, his team following him through the hallway to get their assignments.)
Grissom: Okay, Catherine and I are on the case at Mount Charleston. Nick, we could use your help on that.
Nick: Outstanding.
(He hands NICK the assignment sheet.)
Catherine: So we just talked with the academy. We're getting an entire class of cadets meeting us there.
Warrick: All you guys got to go on is a bone?
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Grissom: The tibia. Where there's one there's usually another.
Catherine: So we'll do a grid search and we really could use your friend Teri Miller.
(GRISSOM stops and looks at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: I don't think that's necessary.
Catherine: Well, why not? She's a forensic anthropologist -- specializes in bones -- and, hello ... all we've got is a bone.
Grissom: I know what she specializes in. If we h*t a wall, I'll call her.
Catherine: Okay.
(GRISSOM starts walking through the hallway again. Everyone follows him.)
Grissom: Sara, Warrick -- d*ad body in the lucky seven motel.
(He holds out the assignment sheet. NICK grabs it and hands it over to WARRICK behind him who takes it.)
Sara: Is that the place with that weird pool?
Catherine: Oh, yeah.
(WARRICK stops in the hallway. Everyone else except SARA leaves.)
Warrick: (reading) Maid found d*ad male body in a hotel room.
Sara: Any chance it's old age?
Warrick: Guy's 23. No. Sounds like a live one.
(He hands the assignment sheet to SARA to look at.)
Warrick: Let's go.
CUT TO:
[EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - DAY]
(A line of cadets walk side by side looking for anything that may remotely look like bones. They walk and check the ground. One person raises their hand.)
Catherine: Stop!
(The entire cadet line stops. GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk over to check. The cadet points to the ground.)
Cadet: Looks like a piece of skull bone.
(GRISSOM kneels down to check it out. He picks it up, looks at it, then tastes it.)
Catherine: (alarmed) What are you doing?
Grissom: Bones are porous. They stick to the tongue. (He tastes it again.)
This doesn't stick. (He looks up at the cadets.) It's a piece of rock.
(He puts the rock down and stands up.)
Catherine: I-I hope you had your Hepatitis B sh*t.
(GRISSOM heads back to the side so they can continue searching the grounds. CATHERINE follows.)
Catherine: Did you?
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM and CATHERINE head toward a cadet who has her hand raised. They kneel down and find something.)
Grissom: It could be a piece of wrist bone.
Catherine: Well, do you want to suck it ... to be sure?
Grissom: Flag man!
(Dissolve to: A flag is placed in the ground.)
(Dissolve to: The cadet line continues to check the ground.)
(Dissolve to: CATHERINE kneels down and finds something. She raises her hand for a flag.)
Catherine: Flag!
(Dissolve to: A flag is placed in the ground. There are now many flags up.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM kneels down on the ground and picks up something. He calls for a flag.)
Grissom: Flag!
(Dissolve to: The cadet line searches the ground.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM finds something, blows on it and looks at it. He takes a flag and sticks it in the ground.)
(Dissolve to: When they're done, there are white flags everywhere.)
(Time Dissolve to: NIGHT. GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand side by side overlooking the desert they just searched. GRISSOM is looking up in the sky; CATHERINE looks out at the desert.)
Catherine: So ... you thinking what I'm thinking?
Grissom: How amazing the universe is. Everything made from the same carbon -- stars to trees, trucks to human bones.
Catherine: Mmm ... no. I-I was thinking that we have about 100 bone fragments. We could I.D. this body before the end of the shift.
Grissom: Hmm.
Catherine: Stars and trucks?
(He nods, then turns to look at CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. THE LUCKY SEVEN MOTEL - NIGHT]
(SARA parks the SUV out in front of the motel. They exit the SUV and walk up the stairs in front of the large glass windows which show the swimmers in the pool.)
Sara: Only in Vegas.
CUT TO:
[INT. THE LUCKY SEVEN MOTEL - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK and SARA walk into the room that's still decorated with party decorations, balloons and streamers. The body is face-down on the bed.)
Warrick: Looks like somebody had a par-tay.
Sgt. O'Riley: Here's a wallet.
(He hands the wallet to WARRICK who looks inside.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Couple 20s inside.
Warrick: "Darren Pyne." d*ad at 23.
(SARA looks around the bed.)
Sara: Sign of struggle. I'll dust for prints.
Warrick: Looks like he was whacked over the head with this lamp.
Sara: Yeah. One h*t or there would be blood.
Warrick: Unless each h*t was to a different part on his dome. Who's the room registered to?
(The officer hands SARA the registration slip. She looks at it.)
Sara: Well, you know, that would be Celine Dion.
(She looks at the registration slip again.)
Sara: But, uh, the bill was charged to the credit card of a Lynn Henry, Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
Warrick: Hey, O'Riley, you think ...
(He stands up and heads out.)
Sgt. O'Riley: (interrupts) Find out the last place she used her credit card.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. THE SPHERE HOTEL - OUTSIDE ROCOCO - NIGHT]
(WARRICK and SARA walk through the lobby.)
(Cut to: They ask the front desk for directions.)
(Cut to: They make their way out the courtyard toward a table with a group of women.)
Woman: I love those shoes. WOMAN: You can wear them again. WOMAN: What about the veil? WOMAN: You've got to remember the veil.
Warrick: Lynn Henry?
Lynn Henry: You know my name. What's yours?
Warrick: I'm Warrick Brown, and this is Sara Sidle.
Sara: Hi.
Warrick: We're with the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
Lynn Henry: Crime lab? About what?
(WARRICK hands LYNN HENRY the polaroid of the body. She looks at it.)
Warrick: Darren Pyne was found d*ad in your motel room at the Lucky Seven. Did you know him?
Lynn Henry: Oh, my god. Yes, I-I do know him. Sort of.
(She hands the photo back to WARRICK.)
Sara: Sort of?
Lynn Henry: Uh, we, we gave Meg a bachelorette party last night.
Joyce Lanier: We hired a male dancer.
Meg Wheeler: I didn't want my fiancé to know. Because he's staying at this hotel.
Lynn Henry: So we rented a room in a sort of out-of-the-way place.
Sara: So Darren was the dancer?
Lynn Henry: Yeah. Uh ... he arrived around ... 10:00?
(Quick flashback to: The night before. The music starts and DARREN PYNE starts dancing. The women sit around enjoying the show.)
Joyce Lanier: Oh, my god! Whoo! JOYCE LANIER: If Steve could see me now. LYNN HENRY: No husbands tonight, ladies. MEG WHEELER: Or fiancés.
(The ladies dance with DARREN PYNE.)
(Cut to: DARREN is lying down on the sofa, LYNN HENRY is above him and starts to pour champagne in his mouth. They laugh.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lynn Henry: We left at 3:00. He was totally fine.
Meg Wheeler: He was dance out but definitely alive.
Warrick: He didn't leave when you did?
Lynn Henry: No. He asked if he could stay and the room was already paid for, so I didn't see a problem.
Sara: Lynn, how did you get those bruises on your wrists?
(LYNN looks down at her wrists and notices them for the first time.)
Lynn Henry: Oh, my god! I-I don't know. I-I was totally tipsy last night. I mean, falling all over everything.
Warrick: All right. We'll probably have more questions after the coroner completes his autopsy. If we need to talk to you can we reach you here?
Meg Wheeler: Yes. My wedding is tomorrow. Whatever we can do to help.
Sara: Thanks. Our card.
(SARA gives their business card to MEG WHEELER. They turn and leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(Camera opens on the "ATLAS OF HUMAN ANATOMY", opened and turned to the page with a picture of a skeleton and its parts identified.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM examines the bones one by one. CATHERINE looks through the book.)
(Cut to: Piece by piece, they start to reconstruct the skeleton.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE compares a bone with the book.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM picks up a piece of bone.)
(Dissolve to: CATHERINE takes the bone back from the book and puts it on the table. GRISSOM and NICK continue to work.)
Catherine: That's the femur.
(GRISSOM picks up a bone piece.
Grissom: Ankle bone? Medial malleolous? Goes on the bottom of the tibia?
Catherine: (looking at the book) That is correct. According to the book.
Grissom: I'll take toe bones for $200, Alex.
(GRISSOM picks up more bones and places them on the table where he thinks they should be.)
(Cut to: A bone is compared to the book.)
(GRISSOM leans over the table with the bones; CATHERINE sits in front of the book.)
Grissom: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
Catherine: (sighs) Hmm. Have we h*t a wall yet?
Grissom: No. This was a man, judging by the pelvic bone.
(GRISSOM puts more bones down on the table.)
(Dissolve to: The bones.)
(Dissolve to: GRISSOM adjusts the camera above the table as he continues to work. GRISSOM picks up half of the jaw and looks at it enhanced on the monitor.)
Grissom: Hey, Nicky?
Nick: Yeah.
Grissom: Let's post this on the dental society database -- see if anyone responds.
Nick: You got it.
(Cut to: The skull is the last piece placed on the table. He measures the length of the bone.)
Grissom: Five times the length of the humerus means this guy was... six feet tall. But we don't know his race, and we don't know whether he was right-or left-handed yet.
Catherine: Well, he was old-- there's some calcification on the rib cartilage.
60, 70 years old, maybe.
Grissom: Hmm.
(GRISSOM sees something and leans in close to look at it.)
Catherine: Are the bones whispering to you?
(Quick close up flash to the bone that GRISSOM is looking at. There are marks on them near the broken. End of flash. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM picks up the bone and looks at it under a magnifying glass. He hands the bone to CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Look at these jagged marks on the bone.
Catherine: Wait a minute. This guy was chopped up. That's m*rder.
Grissom: Well, not necessarily. Could have happened postmortem. You know, one of those tractors up in the hills. Or a mulching machine maybe.
Catherine: A mulching machine? How long do you plan on ignoring the obvious?
(TERI MILLER pushes the door to the autopsy room open.)
Catherine: A 70-year-old man found in the mountains with clear evidence he was chopped to pieces. That's a ... homicide.
Teri Miller: Well, you should check for hemorrhagic tissue at the bone's tool marks ... to be certain.
(At the sound of her voice, GRISSOM turns around.)
Grissom: Teri.
Teri Miller: Hi.
Catherine: Thanks for coming, Teri.
(CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM, who suddenly turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: I told you I was ... calling Teri ... ... didn't I? Anyway, what were you saying about hemorrhagic tissue?
Grissom: It's blood in the soft tissue. If you find it, it means the guy was alive when he was cut up.
Teri Miller: Hmm. Well, maybe you two don't need me, after all.
Grissom: I would never turn away a scientist of your talent.
(TERI smiles. GRISSOM turn to look at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Uh, could I have a word with you outside, please?
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM stand out in the hallway.)
Grissom: You bring in a specialist without my approval?
Catherine: And you don't bring in one, possibly compromise the case, because you two had a relationship?
Grissom: Relationship? I hardly know that woman.
Catherine: Oh ... so I guess that dopey look in your eye when she's around is just that. Here's the deal -- we're using cliff notes to put that skeleton back together in there. Teri is availing her services. You said she's the best, but, hey, if you want me to send her away ...
Grissom: Just ... (sighs) ... check with me about stuff like this, will you?
(GRISSOM heads back into the room.)
Catherine: Right.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM steps back into the room as TERI goes over their work.)
Grissom: Sorry. So, how did we do?
Teri Miller: Not bad.
(She picks up two pieces of bone.)
Teri Miller: Scaphoid... cuneiform. However, this is a wrist bone and this ... is a foot bone.
(She puts each piece in its proper place. They look at each other.)
Grissom: I'm glad you're here.
(TERI smiles.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - LAB - MORNING]
(NICK looks at the lower jaw bone and checks the computer. CATHERINE works quietly next to him.)
Nick: It looks like somebody in the dental society database saw our posting.
Catherine: Really?
Nick: Sid Tucker.
Catherine: No way. A local dentist.
Nick: He has records that go back thirty years.
Catherine: Move over.
(NICK moves aside and CATHERINE slides her chair over in front of the monitor.)
Catherine: (reading) "Hairline fissure of the mandibular canine." (sighs)
Oh, god, why didn't I learn latin?
(NICK points to the tooth.)
Nick: It's lower level third from the middle.
(CATHERINE turns to stare at NICK.)
Nick: Better memory than you. And ... our first character match.
(CATHERINE hits the computer keyboard and brings up an x-ray.)
Catherine: "Overlapping left incisors." That's the front teeth, right?
Nick: Two for two.
(They look at the next x-ray.)
Catherine: "Gold fillings." Well, I know that. He's got gold fillings in
"adjoining right molars and interspersed in left molars". Tell me this is all we need.
Nick: Nolan Ryan pitches another perfect game.
Catherine: And the winner is ...
(CATHERINE hits the keyboard and the "DENTAL RECORD IDENTIFICATION" box comes up.)
Nick: Mel Bennett. 326 Franklin Street. Date of birth September 6, 1931. He was 70.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(GRISSOM stands over the bones with TERI.)
Grissom: An electric saw? You sure?
Teri Miller: Grooves from a handsaw would be straight, parallel. Now look at the grooves along the medial condyle of the femur. They're coarse. See? A reciprocating electric saw was used on this person.
(NICK and CATHERINE walk into the room.)
Catherine: Excuse me. Um ... the person's name is Mel Bennett. We just confirmed it. We're going to meet Brass at the widow's house.
Grissom: (to TERI) I got to go. Thank you.
Teri Miller: You're welcome.
Grissom: Nick, would you stay here and work with Teri on this soft tissue stuff? She'll explain it to you.
Nick: Sure.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the body with WARRICK.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Our male dancer.
Warrick: Multiple blows to the head?
Dr. Albert Robbins: That's right. And one of those blows did enough damage to cause cranial bleeding. Any of your ladies mention having sex with this victim?
(They both walk over to the scope.)
Warrick: No. Just lap dances-- nothing more.
Dr. Albert Robbins: I think the dance might have been a bit more intimate. Penile swab's back from the lab.
[SCOPE VIEW]
Dr. Albert Robbins: Vaginal cells.
Warrick: Looks like fried eggs.
Dr. Albert Robbins: That's because the cells are fresh. Darren had sex just before he died.
Warrick: What's the estimated time of death?
DR. ALBERT ROBBINS Midnight.
Warrick: What?! These ladies said he was alive when they left him at 3:00 A.M.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Someone's lying.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK interview the women again.)
Meg Wheeler: I don't mean to be snippy, but we're already late for my rehearsal dinner.
Sara: Dinner's going to have to wait.
Warrick: We have forensic proof that Darren Pyne had sex with a woman just before he died.
Sara: And, as far as we can tell you were the last three women with him. So, who's lying?
Joyce Lanier: I have two small children and a husband. I can't be involved in this.
Lynn Henry: (whispering) Joyce ... shut up.
Sara: About what? Lynn, does this have anything to do with the bruises on your wrists?
Warrick: Hey, tell us or tell the D.A.
Lynn Henry: Okay. After the bachelorette party, we left.
(Quick flashback to: LYNN opens the door and enters the motel room.)
Lynn Henry: (V.O.) I forgot my purse, so I went back in to get it.
(She looks and finds that DARREN PYNE is holding the purse and smiling at her.)
(Cut to: LYNN reaches for the bag and DARREN grabs her wrist.)
Lynn Henry: Let go.
(He pushes her back against the couch and gets on top of her.)
Lynn Henry: No! Get off! Oh, no.
(They struggle.)
Lynn Henry: (V.O.) I told him no, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: So he r*ped you.
Lynn Henry: That's how I got the bruises on my wrists. I didn't even tell them until we got back to the hotel.
Warrick: Was Darren alive when you left?
Lynn Henry: Very... unfortunately.
Meg Wheeler: So ... can we go now? My fiancé is already asking questions.
Sara: Yeah, you can go.
(Everyone gets up.)
Sara: But, Lynn, uh ... a car's going to take you to the hospital for an exam.
Lynn Henry: An exam for what?
Warrick: It's just standard procedure for sexual as*ault.
(She nods.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. BENNETT RESIDENCE - DAY]
(A doorbell rings and the door opens.)
Rose Bennett: Yes?
Brass: I'm Detective Jim Brass -- Las Vegas Police Department. Are you Mrs. Bennett?
Rose Bennett: Oh, yes. Is this about my car plates? I have them. I just haven't had time to put them on the car.
GRISSOM; Actually, Mrs. Bennett we're here about your husband, Mel.
Rose Bennett: Oh, well, Mel isn't here right now.
Catherine: Well, do you know where he is?
(GRISSOM stares at her.)
Rose Bennett: Yes. He's at the store. Is there a problem?
CUT TO:
[EXT. BENNETT RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(An OFFICER and BRASS both escort ROSE BENNETT to the back of the OFFICER car.)
Brass: Mrs. Bennett, everything is all right. We're just going to ask a few questions down at the station.
Grissom: She looks distraught.
Catherine: Is that because she just found out he's d*ad or because she got caught?
[INT. BENNETT RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(Inside the house, GRISSOM examines the framed photographs on the walls.)
Grissom: Interesting how people catalog their lives. Fifty years of marriage on the wall.
Brass: Yeah, that's a lot of years. Maybe a few too many for the missus.
Catherine: Oh, I don't know. These two were good with each other.
(GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE. There's just something in her voice.)
Catherine: (She sighs.) It takes a bad marriage to recognize a good one.
(Cut to: BRASS looks through the things in the closet. He opens a box and picks up an old trophy.)
[BATHROOM]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM are in the bathroom. CATHERINE opens the medicine cabinet to look inside while GRISSOM examines the toilet.)
Catherine: Well, not even an aspirin.
(CATHERINE shuts the medicine cabinet door, then bends to look into the tub.)
Catherine: Look at this. The tub hasn't been used in a while.
Grissom: Well, maybe she only uses her other bathroom.
(Cut to: BRASS continues to look through the boxes.)
(Cut back to: CATHERINE checks the drain.)
Catherine: Tub's the most obvious place to cut up a body but I don't see anything down there.
Grissom: Try phenolphthalein?
Catherine: Give me a swab.
(CATHERINE takes a swab of the drain. They test it. It tests positive.)
Grissom: Hmm...
CUT TO:
[LIVING ROOM]
(BRASS walks in carrying a package.)
Brass: How did you guys do?
Catherine: We found blood in the drain.
Grissom: You find anything?
Brass: Just the m*rder w*apon.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE turn to look at BRASS.)
Brass: Cleaned, in the widow's garage.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT]
(TERI handles the electric saw on a piece of ham. The drill whirls while CATHERINE and GRISSOM watch.)
Teri Miller: Bone of a pig. They are the most like humans, as you know.
(Finally, after a moment, TERI cuts through the bone. GRISSOM reaches out for the piece to look at the cut.)
Catherine: And this saw matches the one that Brass found in Mrs. Bennett's garage?
Teri Miller: Exact model. No doubt about it. The marks on this bone are consistent with the marks on Mel Bennett's bones. Exact same electric saw, same blade.
Grissom: Can you tell us anything about the operator?
Catherine: You mean Mrs. Bennett?
(CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM who doesn't say anything, neither confirming nor denying who operated the saw. She gets it.)
Catherine: Oh, right. (whispering) Reserve judgment.
Teri Miller: How someone operates a saw is as telling as how someone operates a pen. Now, look at the femur. The skipping marks of the saw over the bone tell us whoever used the saw was unfamiliar with its use. An amateur, if you will. Someone with or a weakened nature. Compromised musculature.
(CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM. He meets her gaze.)
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. LUCKY SEVEN ROOM - NIGHT]
(WARRICK and SARA check the room again as they talk about the case.)
Warrick: What do you mean, "it doesn't add up?"
Sara: Well, we're assuming that a couple of lamp hits to the head k*lled Darren, right?
Warrick: For now, yeah.
Sara: You read the coroner's final report. There's no traces of that lamp on his head at points of impact.
Warrick: Yeah, but maybe the materials didn't adhere. Doesn't mean he wasn't h*t in the head with the lamp.
(He turns and sees SARA looking at the bed where DARREN PYNE'S body was found.)
Warrick: What are you looking for?
Sara: I don't know. I'll let you know when I find it.
Warrick: Well, if you don't know, I can't help you.
(SARA gets up and sighs. She walks around.)
Warrick: What is this?
Sara: What? What do you got?
(WARRICK indicates the crease of the sofa.)
Warrick: Something-something.
Sara: Where?
Warrick: Right there.
Sara: Nice.
(SARA takes a photo. He reaches out and picks it up.)
Sara: Tiniest diamond in the world.
Warrick: Oh, you think so, huh?
(WARRICK walks over to the glass table and tries to cut it. He finds nothing.)
Warrick: No. Diamonds cut glass. This is some cheap-ass cubic zirconia.
Sara: The bride-to-be's ring, maybe? She was here.
Warrick: Let's go ask her.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE question ROSE BENNETT.)
Rose Bennett: Why do you keep asking me these kinds of questions?
Brass: Well, because someone k*lled your husband, Mrs. Bennett ... and was strong enough to wield an electric saw to do it.
Catherine: But not so strong as to make clean cuts.
Rose Bennett: (sighs) I didn't k*ll Mel. I loved him.
Brass: Why didn't you report him missing? Were you used to him leaving or did you fight much?
Rose Bennett: Never. Never. We had a perfect marriage. Perfect.
Grissom: And you failed to report him missing for seven months because ... ?
Rose Bennett: I don't like your tone, young man. Detective, you said I could have an attorney at any time. I think I'd like one now.
Brass: Oh, sure, Mrs. Bennett, sure. Just sign this form please.
(BRASS pushes a piece of paper and a pen toward her. She has difficulty picking the pen up. Everyone makes note of the difficulty.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. SPHERE HOTEL - STRIP - NIGHT]
(SARA and WARRICK step off of the escalator and head toward the hotel.)
Sara: Every time we go to find these women they're somewhere else. You sure you got that address? That desk clerk was talking very quickly.
Warrick: They talk faster at the sports book.
Sara: What?
Warrick: In the old days.
Sara: Oh. You think we're dressed for a wedding?
Warrick: Yeah. Not my wedding.
(SARA'S pager beeps. She checks it.)
Warrick: What?
Sara: Lynn Henry's SART exam's in.
(She hands her beeper to WARRICK to read the message.)
Warrick: She lied to us.
Sara: At this point, I think all those girls are lying to us.
Warrick: All right, let's call homicide and tell them to meet us there. Let's put this to bed before the honeymoon.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET TO WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT]
(Police sirens wail as the cars turn the corner and head to the wedding chapel.)
[INT. A LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(Camera pans along the roof of the chapel that reads, "... you ... I want you ... I can't live without you.)
(Cut back to: "A LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL"'s sign. The camera moves from the sign to the roof to the police car parking.)
(SGT. O'RILEY gets out of the front car.)
(Cut to: SGT. O'RILEY walks through the lobby just as the minister is speaking. He interrupts them.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Sorry, Elvis. Your wedding party has to leave the building.
(The entire party turns around to find SGT. O'RILEY, WARRICK and SARA walking down the aisle.)
Joyce Lanier: (whispers) What?
Lynn Henry: Oh, my god.
Meg Wheeler: What's going on?
Sgt. O'Riley: All three of you ladies are coming in for questioning in the m*rder of Darren Pyne.
Luke: m*rder? Is this a joke?
Sara: The clock's going to explain it all, believe me.
Luke: The ... the clock? What ... what clock?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLLWAY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk through the hallway. They bump into TERI MILLER carrying her kit and walking out past reception.)
Grissom: Hey. Where you going?
Teri Miller: I'm leaving.
Grissom: Town?
Teri Miller: Don't worry, I was able to isolate some soft tissue from the preserved vertebrae. Nick's working on it now.
(CATHERINE nods, then notices that GRISSOM hasn't said anything. She takes that as her cue to leave.)
Catherine: Well, I'm going to go check that out. Teri ... (they shake hands) ... You rule.
Teri Miller: Thanks, Catherine.
(CATHERINE leaves.)
Grissom: Well ... have a safe trip.
Teri Miller: Yeah.
(TERI puts her kit down.)
Teri Miller: I-I need to apologize for not returning your call last month.
Grissom: Teri, I admire your dedication to your work.
Teri Miller: Um ... dedication to my work didn't keep me from returning your call.
Grissom: Oh. It ... it was nothing. I-I-I just called to see how you were doing.
Teri Miller: Um ... well ... are you still interested in how I'm doing?
Grissom: Of course. So ... what's next?
Teri Miller: Mutilation in the Everglades.
Grissom: Maybe it was just an alligator.
Teri Miller: Yeah. And if it's not, I'll be filing for a change of address again. Anyway ... I got to go.
(TERI picks up her kit and walks past GRISSOM. He turns around to stop her.)
Grissom: Do you have to go? I mean ... couldn't you take a later flight?
Teri Miller: More bones?
Grissom: Have dinner with me later.
(She smiles and nods.)
Teri Miller: I think the bodies will keep.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB - NIGHT]
(NICK and CATHERINE look through the scope.)
Nick: See this tissue?
[SCOPE VIEW of tissue]
Catherine: I do. There's no evidence of blood.
Nick: Yeah. Tells us blood was not pumping through Mel Bennett's veins when he was cut up.
Catherine: Which means he was already d*ad.
Nick: Yeah.
Catherine: So what does that leave us?
Grissom: A spectrum of possibilities.
(They turn to see GRISSOM leaning against the door frame.)
Grissom: The universe.
Catherine: Leaves me with a black widow.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SARA re-question ROSE BENNETT with her lawyer.)
Margaret Finn: We want to thank the crime lab for discovering that Mrs. Bennett's husband was d*ad when she disassembled him.
Catherine: Disassembled him? So she admits to taking an electric saw to her husband?
Margaret Finn: After he was d*ad, yes. As you know, in Nevada, there's no law against cutting up a d*ad body.
Catherine: There's no law saying it's okay, either.
Grissom: Does your client care to tell us how her husband came to be d*ad?
Margaret Finn: Well, she has no idea. She came home from the grocer's went into the bathroom and there he was in the tub, deceased.
Rose Bennett: No. I-I want to explain.
Margaret Finn: Briefly, Mrs. Bennett.
Rose Bennett: (sighs) I couldn't afford the burial. So I-I got the saw ... and I cut him into manageable pieces.
Catherine: "Manageable"?
Rose Bennett: Mmm.
Grissom: You made it easier to transport his body?
Rose Bennett: Yeah. To Mount Charleston.
(The door to the interview room opens and BRASS walks in.)
Brass: I called that whistle-blower's line at the local treasury office. You know, the one that handles social security fraud? They were happy to help.
(BRASS puts some papers down on the table in front of them. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both look through them.)
Catherine: Well, Mrs. Bennett ... can you afford the burial now?
Margaret Finn: What are you talking about?
Catherine: It's her husband's social security checks from the last two years.
Brass: The signature's the same till seven months ago. Q.D. Matched the lady's writing. Mrs. Bennett, you've been cashing your dearly departed's checks, haven't you?
Grissom: And that's fraud.
Catherine: It's also a motive.
Margaret Finn: You want to alert the government about some forged social security checks, be my guest. But there's no m*rder here. We're done. Mrs. Bennett.
(They stand up to leave.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. THE ORPHEUS HOTEL/CASINO - DIFFERENT LOCATIONS - LATER]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk down the sidewalk.)
Catherine: Typical Vegas wife - off'ed her old man for the money and there's nothing we can do about it.
Grissom: We have to go back to the body.
Catherine: Right. There's always a clue except we don't have a body.
Grissom: We have bones.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM takes a small portion of the bone and puts it in a dish. CATHERINE takes the dish and caps it. She leaves the lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT]
(GREG SANDERS puts a sample in the machine.)
Greg Sanders: Skeletal muscle of Mel Bennett. It goes in ... contents come out. In 30 seconds -- bioassay. I like saying that word. Bioassay. Sounds nubian. So how are you?
CATHERINE; Never better.
Greg Sanders: Yeah? Well, you look good.
Catherine: I try.
Greg Sanders: Yeah. I heard Grissom's lady friend was in town.
Catherine: Ladyfriend? Hmm. Wouldn't know anything about that.
Greg Sanders: Really? I thought you and Grissom were tight.
Catherine: We are.
(The machine beeps.)
Greg Sanders: Okay. Got it. Private.
(He reads the results.)
Greg Sanders: Huh. Digoxin.
Catherine: Digoxin?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM reads the results.)
Grissom: It's supposed to treat heart failure but not if you're taking the amount found in Mel Bennett's bones.
Catherine: She poisoned him.
(GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE.
Grissom: "Someone" did.
CUT TO:
[INT. BENNETT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE re-interview ROSE BENNETT.)
Grissom: We know your husband had an overdose in his system. We found it in his bone tissue.
Catherine: Did you k*ll him for his pension checks?
Margaret Finn: Don't answer that question.
Rose Bennett: It's okay. Mel took those pills himself. He asked me to leave the house, so he could do it.
Brass: So now it's su1c1de?
Rose Bennett: He was dying from the heart trouble. He was in chronic pain. He asked me to get it over with. I couldn't. I loved him.
Grissom: This is the part that I'm having a hard time with. You were able to cut him up when you realized you couldn't afford the burial?
Rose Bennett: I lied about why.
Margaret Finn: Mrs. Bennett, don't ...
Rose Bennett: No. Let me talk. Mel made me promise to hide his body so I wouldn't lose his social security benefits.
Catherine: (realizes) Because a wife's benefits are cut in half when the husband dies.
Rose Bennett: Yes. Even if you've spent fifty years by his side -- packing his lunch, pressing his work pants. Mel was my whole life. I didn't k*ll him. I couldn't even put him out of his misery.
(Her voice breaks and she starts to cry.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. BENNETT HOUSE - NIGHT]
(Standing outside the house, they discuss the case.)
Catherine: So what do you think, Jim?
Brass: I don't know. You're the lab guys. What is the evidence telling you?
Grissom: Forensically, we can't prove if Mel took the digoxin overdose or if she forced it on him.
Catherine: So that leaves us with one choice.
Grissom: Equivocal evidence.
Catherine: Golden rule.
Brass: Ah. Well, "when faced with evidence that can equally exonerate or implicate a suspect", we must "as objective interpreters of that evidence ... side with the defendant." Tie goes to the runner.
Grissom: Rose goes free. Because we'll never be able to prove who administered the fatal dose.
Catherine: (sighs) I don't think she did it.
Brass: Okay, then. I guess I'm out of here. I'll go start my paperwork.
Catherine: See you.
(BRASS leaves. CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Okay, so I was wrong. It wasn't m*rder.
Grissom: It's not a contest.
Catherine: You want to go in with me? Give her the good news?
Grissom: Could you do it? I'm sorta late for a dinner.
Catherine: (smiles) Sure.
Grissom: Thanks.
(GRISSOM leaves. CATHERINE heads back to the house.)
(Cut to: Through the glass windows we see CATHERINE inside the house, walking up to ROSE and MARGARET FINN to give them the news. After a moment, ROSE turns and hugs her lawyer.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(SARA and SGT. O'RILEY are in the interview room with the women. SARA stands in front of a blackboard.)
Sara: So, ladies of the wedding party, you get a free course in the forensics of sexual intercourse. Secrets of our trade. Lynn, when you had your exam for sexual as*ault a SART nurse makes a clock like this.
(SARA turns around and picks up a piece of chalk to illustrate on the blackboard.)
Sara: This is the vagina.
(O'RILEY stands next to the blackboard.)
Sara: And it does tell a monologue. Some bruising is normal when sex occurs. Injuries at 11:00 ... 12:00 or 1:00 indicate consensual sex or what we would call "avid." Injuries around the dinner hour ... five, six, or seven, indicate forced entry. The woman hasn't done anything to help her partner thus sustaining serious bruising.
Sgt. O'Riley: Sidle, I'm going to be just outside the door.
(O'RILEY walks out of the room.)
Sara: Okay, O'Riley. Lynn ... your exam showed no evidence of sex in the last
48 hours. Actually, in months. (JOYCE snickers quietly.) But the epithelials indicate that Darren had sex right before he and the coroner puts time of death when you've all admitted to being present. So ... Meg? Joyce?
(No one responds.)
Sara: Look, we can run the clock exam on each of you. And the clock is going to tell us what happened. So who wants to go first?
MEG WHEELER I had sex with Darren ... and it wasn't r*pe.
(Short time cut to later.)
(The tape recorder is on as it takes down MEG WHEELER'S statement.)
Meg Wheeler: Darren had been flirting with me all night. And, when it was time to leave I told the other girls to wait in the car. I know it's crazy but I thought ... I'm in Vegas. It doesn't really count.
(Quick flashback to: That night, MEG and DARREN are in bed thoroughly enjoying themselves. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Meg Wheeler: And ... then I don't know what happened.
(Quick flashback to: MEG runs her hand on DARREN'S shoulders and sees her engagement ring.)
Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) I saw my engagement ring.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Meg Wheeler: (crying) Then I-I thought about Luke and how he trusts me.
(Quick flashback to: MEG starts hesitating, but DARREN'S not buying it.)
Meg Wheeler: I don't think this is right.
Darren Pyne: Oh, you like it a little rough.
Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) I tried to push Darren of me ...
Darren Pyne: Okay. We can do that.
Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) But I-I don't think it got through.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Meg Wheeler: He wouldn't stop.
(Quick flashback to: MEG grabs the lamp off of the table and hits DARREN on the head with it.)
Meg Wheeler: As soon as I h*t him with the lamp, I knew.
(Quick flashback to: DARREN is out cold on top of MEG.)
Warrick: (V.O.) So you only h*t him once?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Meg Wheeler: (nods) Mm-hmm. I didn't mean to k*ll him.
Sara: Meg, your engagement ring ... is that cubic zirconia?
Meg Wheeler: No. It's a real diamond. My fiancé wanted me to have the best.
Warrick: Does your fiancé have a zirconia ring?
Meg Wheeler: Zirconia-studded. It's a promise ring. He told me to save my money ... for our honeymoon.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT -- LATER]
(WARRICK and SARA interview MEG WHEELER with her fiancé, LUKE.)
Luke: Damaged? No. My ring is fine.
Warrick: May we see it?
(LUKE takes off the ring and hands it to WARRICK. He and SARA look at it and notice the missing stud.)
Warrick: You were in that motel room that night, weren't you, Luke?
Luke: I don't know what you're talking about.
Warrick: What happened? You got wind of the party?
(Quick flashback to: That night.)
Luke: (shouting) (o.s.) Where is she?
(LUKE grabs LYNN HENRY by her wrists and pulls her out of the car.)
Lynn Henry: I don't know where she is.
Joyce Lanier: Let her go!
Luke: Your husband told me you were here! Now tell me where she is!
Lynn Henry: Let go of me.
Luke: Just give me the room number. Tell me where she is.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Bruised up Lynn's wrists.
Sara: Meg, you did have sex with Darren the dancer. Maybe you even tried to stop in the middle of it. But something got your attention.
(Quick flashback to: DARREN and MEG are in bed.)
Meg Wheeler: I don't think this is right.
(MEG looks up and sees LUKE standing over them.)
Meg Wheeler: Oh, my god! Luke.
(LUKE gets angry and knocks the lamp off of the bedside table where it breaks.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Luke, you threw the lamp -- probably on the floor. Understandable rage.
Warrick: You did what any guy in your position would do.
(Quick flashback to: That night. LUKE grabs DARREN and slams his head against the headboard. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: But you didn't stop with one h*t.
(Quick flashback to: LUKE continues to h*t DARREN against the headboard. In the process, he looses the stud in his ring. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: And you didn't know that you had lost a piece of your ring.
Sara: Except we found it.
(She holds up the stud to show them.)
(LUKE gasps. MEG turn to look at LUKE.)
Meg Wheeler: Honey, I'm sorry.
Luke: We just ... we just were hoping we could get married. Put it all behind us.
Warrick: Laws don't end when you come to Vegas.
(WARRICK puts the ring back on the table. LUKE hangs his head.)
(Cut to: LUKE and MEG sitting in the back of the police car.)
CUT TO:
[INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT]
(High above the strip, GRISSOM and TERI have dinner.)
Grissom: I'm surprised. I'm having a nice time.
Teri Miller: Were you expecting a bad time?
Grissom: No. I just thought we might be uncomfortable away from work.
Teri Miller: Are you?
Grissom: No.
Teri Miller: Nor am I.
Grissom: Good.
Teri Miller: It's kind of like that old saying: "How a person does one thing is ...
Grissom: ... how a person does everything."
Teri Miller: Exactly.
(GRISSOM'S pager beeps. He looks at TERI.)
Grissom: Excuse me.
Teri Miller: Sure.
(He takes out his pager and reads the message. TERI takes a sip of her drink.)
Teri Miller: What's going on?
Grissom: (sighs) They found two bodies in a crack den at the end of the strip. Evidently, they've been d*ad awhile. They need me to do an insect analysis ASAP.
Teri Miller: Oh. Well ... you are the bug guy.
Grissom: Yeah. But I asked you to postpone your flight.
Teri Miller: It's okay. It happens.
Grissom: Maybe I can ...
(GRISSOM'S phone rings.)
Grissom: (to TERI) I'm sorry.
(GRISSOM turns aside and answers the phone.)
Grissom: (to phone) Yeah. Grissom. All right, look ... make sure the paramedics don't leave and have the primary on the scene take photographs of the corpses at two-minute intervals until I arrive. All right?
(He hangs up the phone and turns back.)
(TERI'S gone.)
(GRISSOM sighs.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x14 - To Halve and to Hold"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - NIGHT]
(People with money mingle amongst themselves. PATRICK HAYNES mingles with his party guests, the cream of the Las Vegas society.)
Patrick Haynes: Nice suit.
(He makes his way around the floor with a champagne glass in his hand and smiles when he sees a familiar face.)
Patrick Haynes: Welcome.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Congratulations, Patrick.
Patrick Haynes: Well, thank you, Sheriff. Your presence here means a lot tonight.
Mrs. Burton: Is that for me?
Patrick Haynes: Are you talking about the glass or the bubbly?
Mrs. Burton: I was talking about the smile on your face.
(He laughs.)
Patrick Haynes: Well, if I'm smiling, it's because we raised $1.6 million for Mrs. Richmond's Burn Center tonight.
(Behind them, he sees AMANDA HAYNES step up on the side. He hands a glass to MRS. BURTON.)
Patrick Haynes: That sort of generosity deserves a raise of the glass, huh?
(He turns and raises his glass to the large portrait of PORTIA RICHMOND hanging on the wall.)
Patrick Haynes: To Portia.
Mrs. Burton: To Portia.
Patrick: It's a shame she couldn't be here tonight.
(AMANDA HAYNES makes her way toward PATRICK.)
Patrick Haynes: Hey. We did it.
Amanda Haynes: We sure did.
(He turns and kisses her.)
(Outside a woman screams.)
(Cut to: Everyone ruses toward the glass windows to see what's happening.)
(Cut to: In the pool, a woman floats head down. d*ad. Everyone rushes outside to look.)
(PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES make their way toward the side of the pool to look.)
Patrick Haynes: Excuse - excuse me.
WHITE FLASH TO:
[EXT. POOL SIDE - NIGHT - LATER]
(An OFFICER walks into the pool to get the body. He flips the d*ad woman over and pulls her toward the side.)
(GRISSOM walks over along the side of the pool. In the background, OFFICERS keep the party attendees gathered away from the pool.)
Grissom: Excuse me.
(GRISSOM walks over to the SHERRIF and BRASS.)
Grissom: Nice tux, Sheriff.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you know whose house this is?
Grissom: To know this town is to know its celebrities and their histories. Portia Richmond was a legendary showgirl in her day. But, that's not her.
(A camera flashes.)
Brass: Maybe thirty years ago when she was the headliner at the Lido de Paris.
Grissom: Who found her?
Brass: Look around you. (sighs) This is going to take all nigh
(GRISSOM turns to look at BRASS ... )
Grissom: Come for the hors d'oeuvres -
(... he turns to look at the party goers.)
Grissom: ... stay for the interrogation.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT./INT. RICHMOND MANSION - POOL - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the house from the pool. He's on the phone.)
Grissom: (to phone) Yes, sir. Well, I'll do my best.
(He crosses the lobby, hangs up the phone and heads out the front door just as the Tahoe carrying the others parks. They exit the car.)
Grissom: All right, you guys, like I said on the phone it was a big party, and it's a huge house so we're going to divide and conquer. Nick, tonight you do the overall sketch, all right? Catherine and Warrick, you got the pool area.
(GRISSOM turns and leaves.)
Catherine: I'll take the shallow end.
Warrick: Guess I'm going deep.
(CATHERINE opens the car door to get her things.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POOL SIDE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks along side the shallow end of the pool, looking at the sides and into the water.)
(Cut to: WARRICK snaps a picture, then looks out into the pool. He sees something in the water that catches his attention. He moves in closer for a look and definitely sees something shining at the bottom of the pool.)
(He takes a picture of the item in the pool.)
(Cut to: NICK steps up to the lagoon and looks out at the fish inside the small pool. GRISSOM stands next to him.)
Nick: I wonder how much it costs to feed all these fish.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything, but looks at NICK'S sketch pad. NICK looks back at GRISSOM and nods.)
Nick: Hmm? Right.
(GRISSOM turns and walks away.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE kneels down on the grass and finds something red. She picks it up and looks at the fake nail.)
(Cut to: WARRICK looks around and takes his shirt off. He walks into the pool water, then when he gets deep enough, he dives in. He swims over to the shiny thing at the bottom of the pool and picks it up. It has the letters: CM on it.)
(Cut to: NICK and GRISSOM walk over along the side of the pool. NICK chuckles and turns to look at GRISSOM. WARRICK breaks surface.)
Nick: Marco?
Warrick: Polo.
(WARRICK stands up in the pool)
Nick: (teasing) You want to get out of there, sir? Pool closed at sundown.
Catherine: (joining in) Can I get you a towel, sir?
(WARRICK walks out of the pool.)
Warrick: (dryly) Yeah, please.
Grissom: What'd you find?
(He shows them the cuff link.)
Warrick: Looks like a cuff link. Initials "C.M."
(GRISSOM takes it and looks at it. They all look at it.)
Catherine: Turquoise and silver. Breaks down the regionality to the southwest -- maybe Arizona, New Mexico, Texas.
Grissom: Good catch, pal. You get the guest list. Check for C.M.s.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
Warrick: I'm going to be wet all night.
(NICK snickers.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM opens the autopsy room door and walks in, a puzzled look on his face. Inside, he finds DR. ROBBINS hunched over the far counter, a machine whirring.)
Grissom: I defect a bitter alkaloid.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Don't tell anybody. My weakness.
(He turns around to show a coffee machine. He holds out a coffee mug to GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: One macchiato, tall.
Grissom: Coffee machine courtesy of the city, I presume?
Dr. Albert Robbins: When the coroner asks for something, they don't question it.
Grissom: Cheers.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Cheers. Come on.
Grissom: Have we I.D.'D her yet?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Working on it. She's had a few upgrades. Submalar augmentation. Rhinoplasty. Silicone breasts.
Grissom: Run a serial number on the implants. Instant I.D.
(GRISSOM lifts up the sheet to look under it.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Our field's come a long way, hasn't it?
Grissom: Hmm.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Got a whole menu here. Petechiael hemorrhaging, bruising around the neck ...
(Quick CGI POV to inside the neck and the broken bone.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) ... broken hyoid bone.
Grissom: (V.O.) She was strangled.
(The bone snaps. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (shakes his head) No water in the lungs. She was d*ad before she h*t the water.
(DR. ROBBINS takes a sip of coffee.)
Grissom: Strangulation's a man's crime.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Preaching to the converted.
Grissom: Do me a favor, Doc. Photograph her injuries. Run a sex as*ault kit. Include infrared for subdural bruising.
(GRISSOM takes a step away to leave, but DR. ROBBINS stops him by taking the mug back.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: This is our little secret.
(GRISSOM looks seriously at DR. ROBBINS, then nods his head. GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - NIGHT]
(WARRICK is inside putting his clothes back on. CATHERINE walks in, she's just got off the phone.)
Catherine: Hey.
Warrick: Hi.
Catherine: 419 at the Sphere, glass elevator. You're on it.
Warrick: This is a big case. I'm in a groove here.
Catherine: Well, groove on down to The Strip.
Warrick: (disappointed) Whatever happened to "you cross the tape, you go the distance"?
(CATHERINE dials the phone.)
Catherine: I was probably saying that to get you to service my needs at the time.
(The phone rings.)
Warrick: Great.
Voice On Phone (Sara): Hello?
Catherine: (to phone) Hey, Sara. You sleeping? (smiling) Oh ...
(CATHERINE turns and walks away. WARRICK continues to get dressed, a gruff look on his face.)
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT]
(BRASS is interviewing PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES. He turns and excuses himself.)
Brass: Excuse me for a minute.
(He walks toward GRISSOM and CATHERINE.)
Brass: Hi. Well, I got the horsepower on everybody here. 99% of the people know nothing, saw nothing. Big surprise.
Grissom: What about Portia Richmond?
(They glance over at the portrait.)
Brass: Well, according to her friends she's been romancing some young stallion for over a month. She's in love. She's cruising the Mediterranean on some yacht, eating cheese cubes. Got a couple watching the house. Apparently, she often takes in strays. Mr. and Mrs. Haynes, this is Gil Grissom and Catherine Willows. They're from the crime lab.
Catherine: Hi.
Grissom: Do you mind if we ask you a few more questions?
Patrick Haynes: By all means.
Grissom: How is it that you know Portia Richmond?
Amanda Haynes: Oh, we met her at the Murado at the top of the Mediterranean.
Brass: You need an oil well in your backyard to belong to that place.
Catherine: Private club fifty grand a year just to walk through the door.
Patrick Haynes: But worth every penny.
Amanda Haynes: It was like we'd known Portia all our lives. (laughs) Has that ever happened to you?
Grissom: (shakes his head) No.
Patrick: We were new in town. Portia introduced us around, and took us under her wing.
Amanda Haynes: We were from back east, and we had mutual acquaintances.
Catherine: And you're house-sitting? Or you're living in?
Patrick Haynes: House-sitting while hunting for our own place. Portia refused to take any money from us.
Amanda Haynes: She wouldn't even let us pay for a dinner.
Patrick Haynes: That's why, when she took off to Europe ...
Amanda Haynes: This charity event.
Patrick Haynes: It's the least we could do. After all, we know how to throw a party.
Brass: You can say that again.
Grissom: Did you know the deceased woman?
Patrick Haynes: No.
GRISSOM And you, miss?
Amanda Haynes: Well, as far as I know she wasn't even on the guest list.
(No one says anything to that.)
Patrick Haynes: Something wrong?
Grissom: Yes. (b*at) A woman's d*ad.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL - SHOWROOM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand backstage of the showroom where LACEY DUVALL worked talking with the STAGE MANAGER. An entire line of showgirls in full outfits walks by the group.)
Stage Manager: Lacey Duvall m*rder. She was here last night. Unbelievable.
Catherine: Could you put us in touch with someone who was close to her?
(As they women walk by, GRISSOM'S jaw drops and he stares at the women.)
Stage Manager: Sure. Rachel Carson. They were best friends. Like sisters. She's in back. Follow me.
(The STAGE MANAGER pushes past them to lead them to the back. CATHERINE moves to follow and notices GRISSOM still staring at the women, his mouth hanging open.)
Catherine: Close your mouth.
CUT TO:
[INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE interviews RACHEL CARSON while GRISSOM looks around the dressing room.)
Rachel Carson: She was seeing some rich married guy.
Catherine: Did he have a name?
Rachel Carson: Yeah, but she wouldn't tell me. You know, that's the thing that was so weird. He refused to tell her anything about himself. Anything. I told her it gave me the creeps but you couldn't talk to her. You know?
(GRISSOM looks at LACEY DUVALL'S dressing table space on which she has a small framed plaque reading: "LACEY DUVALL PROMOTED".)
Catherine: Turned on by the mystery and the sex. I've been there.
(On the table top, he sees something interesting. He reaches into his pocket for his gloves and starts to put them on.)
(A dancer pushes the curtain aside and walks in.)
Dancer: Hi.
(GRISSOM looks up, surprised.)
Dancer: (smiling) Do you need a hand with that?
(GRISSOM glances down at the latex gloves he's putting on.)
Grissom: Uh ... no, thanks. I'll be fine.
Dancer: Are you a doctor?
Grissom: Of sorts. I'm just, um ... looking around.
Dancer: See anything you like?
Grissom: Yes. I do.
(GRISSOM turns back to the dressing table and sits down. He reaches to the back of the table and picks up the music box.)
(The DANCER watches him for a moment, then walks away.)
(He opens it and it starts playing "Waltz of the Flowers".)
Grissom: Catherine?
(She turns around.)
Grissom: Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers."
(He looks under the box and smiles.)
Catherine: What's with the smile?
(Under the box is an engraved plaque that reads: "To my Beloved Portia / Your Husband, L / March 7, 1969".)
Grissom: It's playing our song.
CUT TO:
[INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY BY GLASS ELEVATOR - NIGHT]
(WARRICK rides up the escalator to the floor.)
Warrick: Detective Conroy.
Det. Conroy: What happened? You get bumped from first class?
Warrick: No. I do my best work solo. (b*at) On the clock, that is. What you got?
(She turns and leads WARRICK back to where the body is.)
Det. Conroy: Walk-through. In plain sight. Risky move.
(He puts his kit down and looks at the body.)
Warrick: All around the ten-ring, once between the eyes. Entry wound give you anything? Small caliber?
Det. Conroy: You like to work solo. Take a look for yourself.
(WARRICK eyes the detective, then takes out his flashlight to approach the body. He kneels down and looks around.)
Det. Conroy: Any thoughts?
(A camera flashes. Inside the b*llet wound is a coin tucked into his forehead. Camera flashes to: The g*n. Flash to: b*rned pieces of newspaper bits. Flash to: The empty b*llet casing on the floor.)
(WARRICK looks back up at the Detective.)
Warrick: Professional h*t.
(Quick flashback to: The h*t MAN walks into the elevator carrying a newspaper. He presses the button and the elevator door closes. He stands next to the deceased.)
Tyson Green: Hey, well, how did the Knicks make out?
h*t Man: Better than you.
(The HITMAN raises the newspaper covering the g*n and fires five times at point blank range. TYSON GREEN falls back d*ad. The h*t MAN fires a final sh*t into his forehead. He drops the newspaper and the g*n, then tucks a coin into TYSON GREEN'S forehead.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Times have changed since the canary days, huh?
Det. Conroy: "Canary days?"
Warrick: Yeah. Brass used to tell me, back in the day when the mob would make a h*t they'd leave a canary, 'cause the guy sang.
Det. Conroy: And the quarter stands for?
Warrick: "Call someone who cares."
Det. Conroy: It's almost like the guy wants to get caught.
Warrick: When you leave a g*n, you know it's clean. The g*n just traces back to itself.
Det. Conroy: The k*ller cut you off at the knees. What are you going to do?
Warrick: All I can do -- follow protocol.
(WARRICK looks at the elevator panel.)
Det. Conroy: You're going to print the entire elevator?
Warrick: It's like the circle bar on a friday night ... three million people on top of each other.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM sits back behind his desk looking at the music box. CATHERINE walks into the office.)
Catherine: Let me guess: You're wondering why Lacey Duvall had a music box engraved to Portia Richmond.
Grissom: You think?
Catherine: Maybe it's as simple as they knew each other and she gave it to her.
Grissom: If they knew each other, why wasn't she on the guest list?
(He flips the box over to show the plaque.)
Grissom: March 7, 1969, mean anything to you? Meant something to the Richmonds.
Catherine: You know, when Eddie and I were first married -- when things were kind of good? On the anniversary of the day we first met, he'd always give me a lace teddy. Well, I mean, I know it's not a music box, but ...
Grissom: Music box, lace teddy, it's all the same thing -- it's tradition. And the joy of tradition is in the constant repetition.
Catherine: Right.
(GRISSOM opens the music box and the final strains play.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(SARA and NICK walk down the hallway. SARA is upset that she got called in on her day off.)
Sara: What am I? ... working food and beverage at one of the hotels? I haven't had a day off in three weeks. I mean, if they're going to call me in, throw me a bone. Give me the 419 on the elevator.
Nick: Someone's bitter.
Sara: I'm tired.
Nick: You? Tired? I thought you never sleep.
(NICK laughs. SARA lets out a big yawn.)
Nick: (smirks, thoroughly enjoying himself) Nice. Nice.
(They both walk into the DNA lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS]
(GREG SANDERS sits in his chair and turns the music on and up. He swings around, completely hyped up as the music blares in his lab.)
Nick: What up, G?
Sara: You're awake. I hate you.
Greg Sanders: A couple of glasses of merlot. Rack of lamb on my day off. I slept like a baby yesterday. You look horrible.
Sara: Thanks, Greg.
(GREG nods at NICK.)
Nick: Don't look at me. I've got 'sunshine' all night.
(NICK glances over at SARA who glares back at him, definitely catching exactly who he's calling "sunshine".)
Nick: (continues) Check for DNA in the sexual as*ault kit and the fingernail, please.
Sara: Everything has to be in CODIS ASAP.
Greg Sanders: Oh, is that all? I want to know who's going to authorize my overtime?
Sara: Suck it up, Greg. You're well-rested.
(SARA walks away. GREG looks over at NICK who doesn't say anything.)
Greg Sanders: You want a valium for her?
Sara: (o.s.) I heard that.
(NICK smiles at GREG, then turns to follow SARA out the lab.)
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIBRARY - DAY]
(CATHERINE opens the display case and grabs one of the many music boxes on the shelves. She looks under.)
Catherine: March 7, 1973.
(GRISSOM puts on his glasses and grabs another music box and checks the inscription under it.)
Grissom: March 7, 1981.
(CATHERINE checks another.)
Catherine: March 7, 1956.
(And another.)
Catherine: March 7,1986.
Grissom: I bet he gave her one every anniversary until he died.
Catherine: She wouldn't give away a gift this sentimental.
(CATHERINE picks up another music box and opens it. "Fur Elise" plays.)
Catherine: It's not "waltz of the flowers."
(In the background, there's a thumping sound coming from somewhere in the house.)
(GRISSOM notices and steps away to locate the sound. CATHERINE closes the music box and the thumping sound is heard again.)
(GRISSOM hears it coming from upstairs. CATHERINE puts the music box back and joins GRISSOM.)
Catherine: The seal on the door wasn't broken.
(The sounds continue. GRISSOM takes off his glasses and heads upstairs.)
(They both walk cautiously up the staircase where the thumping sounds get louder.)
(GRISSOM approaches the bedroom door which is slightly open. There's heavy breathing and some groaning coming from inside. GRISSOM knocks lightly on the door.)
Grissom: Las Vegas Police Department.
(He pushes the door open and finds PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES on the couch.)
(They look up at GRISSOM and CATHERINE in the doorway.)
(GRISSOM closes the door on them.)
Catherine: Caught in the act.
Grissom: I think that was the point.
Catherine: Oh, yeah.
(CATHERINE turns to walk away. GRISSOM follows.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(SARA sits at the break room table. NICK hands her a cup of coffee. She shakes her head.)
Sara: No, I can't drink any more coffee. My body clock is so screwed up. I just want a steak and a sh*t.
Nick: Tut's Tomb. Steak and eggs, $1.99.
(NICK takes a sip of coffee.)
Sara: (hopeful) Food? Good idea. You're on.
(GREG bursts into the room.)
Greg Sanders: It's what I live for. You guys are never going to believe this. You ready?
Sara: So much for the steak. I'll take the coffee.
(NICK hands SARA the cup of coffee.)
Greg Sanders: Yeah. Okay, sexual as*ault kit on Lacey Duvall -- d*ad showgirl -- came back positive for semen, but that's nothing. Ran it through CODIS. Seminal DNA matches a cold case from Texas. (excited) A d*ad cheerleader! Ten years ago!
(NICK laughs.)
Nick: Two for one.
Sara: Okay, I'm up.
(GREG cheers with excitement, then rushes out of the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM is on the phone in the lobby when BRASS walks into the house.)
Grissom: (to phone) Sir, I have four criminalists working on this. No ... as soon as we find something tangible I'll call you, I promise.
(GRISSOM hangs up.)
Brass: Sheriff?
Grissom: Yeah, he calls me every hour. I can't get anything done.
Brass: Every half for me.
(CATHERINE watches as PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES walk down the staircase in their robes.)
Patrick Haynes: I hope we didn't embarrass you.
Catherine: A little late for that.
(BRASS looks over at GRISSOM who looks away. He looks over at CATHERINE who turns around to meet the gaze.)
Brass: Yeah, uh ... hi.
(AMANDA HAYNES sits down while PATRICK gets them something to drink.)
Brass: I just have a few more questions about the whereabouts of Mrs. Richmond.
Patrick Haynes: f*re away. Drinks for anybody else?
Grissom: No, thank you.
(BRASS clears his throat. PATRICK puts an open bottle of water with a straw on the table in front of AMANDA. GRISSOM eyes the straw. PATRICK takes a seat next to AMANDA.)
Brass: So, let's, uh ... let's just take baby steps. Where is she?
Patrick Haynes: On a yacht somewhere in the Greek Isles.
Brass: And if someone wanted to reach her?
Patrick Haynes: You have a compass?
Brass: Yeah.
Patrick Haynes: She's incommunicado.
Catherine: Big word.
Amanda Haynes: Have we done something wrong?
(AMANDA HAYNES takes a sip of her water. GRISSOM watches her. She notices.)
Amanda Haynes: What?
Grissom: May I have your straw?
(AMANDA looks at GRISSOM, amused.)
Grissom: (embarrassed) I ... I collect them.
(She laughs, then gives GRISSOM her straw.)
Grissom: Thank you. Oh ... mind if I look around a little?
Patrick Haynes: Have at it.
CUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the master bedroom.)
Grissom: The Hostess' bedroom.
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Grissom: Too kinky.
Catherine: Let me see if Portia took her bathing suit with her.
(CATHERINE walks in and looks for the closet.)
Catherine: Here we go.
(She puts her kit down and turns on the light. GRISSOM looks around the bedroom.)
Catherine: We've got a bathing suit, lingerie, jewels, wallet, bags ... I'm not so sure she's gone anywhere.
Grissom: Shall we do the room, too?
(GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM is on his hands and knees examining the floor where the carpet meets the wall.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE looks on PORTIA RICHMOND'S dresser.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM finds a safety pin in the carpet.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE checks the sink drain.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM looks through the scarves in the dresser drawer.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE lifts the sheets and examines the bed.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM looks around the room.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE lifts up the pillows.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM lowers the make-up kit cover and stands. He sighs, then looks over at the fireplace. He walks over and looks into the fireplace where he finds something. In the gravel just outside the f*re, GRISSOM picks up a tooth.))
Grissom: I think the tooth fairy might have just left us a piece of Portia Richmond.
Catherine: What?
Grissom: Take a look.
(CATHERINE walks over.)
Catherine: Ugh. I guess now we have two cases. We've got a body without a m*rder and a m*rder without a body.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GREG stares at the tooth.)
Greg Sanders: Oh, man, I got to get a raise for this.
Catherine: Greg ... why don't you start the DNA profile on the tooth so that we can tell if it's Portia Richmond.
Greg Sanders: Okay, well, but getting the DNA from the tooth is going to be easy. What am I supposed to compare it to?
Catherine: How about the toothbrush and the hairbrush that we took from her vanity?
Greg Sanders: Why don't you go talk to the d*ad-end twins over there?
(GREG points to the scope. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both head in that direction. The look through the scope and find nothing.)
[SCOPE VIEW of hairbrush bristles.]
[SCOPE VIEW of toothbrush bristles.]
(Both are clean.)
Catherine: Nothing. Hmm.
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM change places.)
Catherine: So, either she's extremely hygienic, or...
Grissom: ... Somebody did some serious spring cleaning.
Greg Sanders: If you want to know if it's Portia you got to get the DNA somewhere.
CUT TO:
[INT. THE LIBERACE MUSEUM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and BRASS walk into the LIBERACE MUSEUM.)
Catherine: I can't believe I've been in this town twenty years and I've never seen the Liberace Museum.
Brass: That's funny. I was just here a couple days ago.
(CATHERINE looks at BRASS.)
Catherine: I believe it.
Tony Mumms: We have all of Liberace's costumes on display here. This one, for example, worn by Mr. Liberace in the 1984 world's fair in New Orleans.
Catherine: Lovely.
Tony Mumms: Mmm. Did you ever see one of the old shows? The Lido in the '50s?
Brass: (shakes her head) Before my time.
Tony Mumms: You weren't even born then, of course. Every dancer was from France. The attention to detail in the costumes was unparalleled. And the audience dressed to the nines.
Catherine: Oh, yeah.
Tony Mumms: The town was different then. The other great cities -- New York, Chicago, London -- they restored. But in this town, they destroy. Hmm. So you want to see what belonged to Portia Richmond?
Catherine: Yes, please.
(He lifts his arm to indicate the display to the side of them.)
Tony Mumms: Folies Bergere, 1959.
(They walk over to look at it.)
Brass: (clears his throwat) Yeah ... um, looks heavy.
Tony Mumms: Imagine that on your head, two shows a night. She used over fifteen combs and various epoxies and glues. They damn near had to drive a spike in her head to keep it from falling off.
(CATHERINE leans in close to examine under the headpiece.)
Catherine: Ow.
Tony Mumms: She lost all her hair.
(CATHERINE turns around to look at the curator. She reaches out and lifts up the headpiece. Camera zooms in to show the hair stuck in the headpiece.)
Catherine: DNA heaven.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(WARRICK walks through the hallway. SHIBLEY calls out to him.)
Shibley: Warrick. Personal artifacts from your elevator victim.
(He holds out an envelope for WARRICK.)
Warrick: Cool. You got an I.D. for me?
Shibley: The driver's license is local. Tyson Green, 35. Can't drive without corrective lenses.
Warrick: Too bad he wasn't driving that elevator.
(They walk into the elevator vault. WARRICK opens the envelope. The evidence bags spill out into the table. WARRICK picks up the bag with the money in it.)
Warrick: Ooh! Chicago bankroll.
Shibley: This guy's not from out of town.
Warrick: No, that's just a term. Old school.
(The next envelope he picks up is a receipt from the HOTEL & CASINO, COMPLEMENTARY DINNER PASS.)
Warrick: "Shrimp cocktail appetizer. Surf & turf dinner. Two glasses of wine. All comped.
(He flips it over and it's dated, 2/4/01 for 2 people.)
Shibley: Free food. Nice.
(SHIBLEY takes the envelope.)
Warrick: It ain't free, believe me.
(The next envelope WARRICK picks up is a CASINO CREDIT MARKER #150328 FOR $400.00, also dated 2/4/01. WARRICK is silent as he looks at the marker.)
Shibley: You okay?
Warrick: Yeah. Yeah.
(He opens the envelope and leafs through the markers.)
Warrick: Been a long time since I seen these.
(In the back, footsteps approach the evidence vault.)
Det. Conroy: Hey, Brown. Just talked to Bobby Dawson in ballistics. He ran that .22 from the elevator. Serial number came back -- Vincent Morgan. Lives on the west side.
(WARRICK nods.)
Warrick: Cool.
Det. Conroy: Coming?
(WARRICK hands SHIBLEY the credit markers.)
Warrick: Yeah. Will you log these for me?
Shibley: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK and DET. CONROY walk out into the hallway. They pass the print lab on their way out. WARRICK doubles back and pops into the print lab doorway.)
Warrick: Mandy, you got any prints off of that quarter I found on the vic?
Mandy: (without raising her head) Still working on it, Warrick. I don't work one case a day.
(He leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(NICK opens the IssEx Box. The computer SARA'S working on beeps.)
Sara: Bingo. Well, that only took 45 minutes.
Nick: What do you got?
(A message box appears on screen with the following:
Haynes, Patrick SS#5688556267
DOB 1/10/1990
Deceased 8/15/1990
Age: 8 months )
Sara: A h*t off Patrick Haynes' social security number. There's only one problem. He's an eight-month-old infant that died ten years ago.
Nick: Same social? You're sure?
(SARA doesn't answer, but gives him a look. NICK nods, then opens the box in front of him. It's a file. He opens the file and is extremely pleased by what he sees.)
Nick: Bam!
Sara: Something good?
Nick: Oh, yeah.
CUE MUSIC: (PRELAP) SHOW TUNE
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(With the PORTIA RICHMOND hairpiece on his head, GREG goes dancing out in the hallway. He kicks and swivels his hips.)
Greg Sanders: (rhythmically) match, boom, match, boom
(CATHERINE turns the corner and stops when she sees GREG.)
Greg Sanders: (to the b*at) match, boom - boom - match.
Catherine: (smiles) You want to take that thing off your head, Greg? It's evidence.
Greg Sanders: Cool your jets, Cath. I already got all the evidence out of it. Now ... it's all woman. Did you ever wear one of these when you were dancing?
Catherine: I wore nothing but skin.
Greg Sanders: Ooh.
(Standing behind GREG is GRISSOM. CATHERINE sees GRISSOM and clears her throat. GREG turns around and finds himself face to face with GRISSOM. He takes the headpiece off of his head and reports.)
Greg Sanders: I, uh, compared the DNA from the tooth with hair follicles found inside the headdress. I think we have a match, sir. And I think we may have a homicide. Excuse me.
(GREG steps back into his lab. CATHERINE suppresses a grin and looks at GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. MGM GRAND HOTEL - VALET AREA - NIGHT]
(WARRICK and DET. CONROY question VINCENT MORGAN. DET. CONROY is on the phone.)
Vincent Morgan: So, did I, like, break the law by not reporting it?
Warrick: It's a good idea that, when your house is robbed you report that your registered g*n was stolen.
(She turns to WARRICK.)
Det. Conroy: Guy's story checks out. He was robbed.
Vincent Morgan: Yeah, look, my wife -- she's not real comfortable about having the g*n in the house ever since we had our boy and I told her that I'd gotten rid of it but I never did. I mean, man, the last thing I ever expected was it'd be used in a m*rder.
Warrick: We're going to keep your name on ice for a while. Thanks for your time.
Vincent Morgan: Hey, thanks. Right on. (shouts) Oh, hey, bring up car 309!
(WARRICK and DET. CONROY walk away from the parking area.)
Warrick: Nobody kills anybody with their registered g*n anymore.
Det. Conroy: Isn't that the truth.
CUT TO:
[INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the restaurant to meet up with BRASS.)
Grissom: Jim ...
Brass: Hey. We got the whole place clocked. Keeping an eye on the Haynes couple. Sheriff doesn't want them skipping town.
Grissom: And neither do we. We have a strong suspicion Portia Richmond is d*ad.
(BRASS turns back to watching the HAYNES' at their table. They watch as they get up to leave. AMANDA HAYNES drapes her coat over a stole on a chair. She kisses PATRICK, then turns to grab her coat. She picks up both coats, then heads out the door.)
Catherine: Did you see that?
Grissom: They're on the grift.
Catherine: She took that fur from right under their noses.
(The HAYNES' turn the corner and run into BRASS.)
Grissom: Hi. May we check your coats?
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview PATRICK HAYNES.)
Brass: What are you, a couple of kleptos?
Patrick Haynes: I don't follow.
Brass: A $5,000 stole your wife stole? What, are you guys in business?
Patrick Haynes: Amanda didn't know she had even taken it till Mr. Grissom here told her.
Brass: Is that kind of like the guy who, uh walks out of the auto mall with a nissan sentra in his pocket?
Patrick Hanes: Why am I here? Why?
Grissom: Jim ... may I? Mr. Haynes, we ran a sexual as*ault kit on Lacey Duvall. We found semen. Can you explain that?
Patrick Haynes: Yeah. Yeah, my wife's not here. Time to convert lies into The Truth. I had sex with Lacey before the party.
Grissom: Would you mind giving us a DNA sample?
Patrick Haynes: No. My relationship with Lacey was purely sexual. It was good sex. Well ... great sex. Whenever we could steal a moment, uh, we did. Just like an addiction.
Catherine: Well, in addition to exchanging bodily fluids did you exchange gifts?
Patrick Haynes: Whatever do you mean?
Brass: Just answer the question.
Patrick Haynes: No. No. I never gave her anything.
Grissom: We found a music box in Lacey Duvall's dressing area that belonged to Portia Richmond. Did you give it to her?
Patrick Haynes: Honestly ... no. Those music boxes belonged to Portia, not to me. But Lacey had been by the house and she did admire them.
Brass: You saying that she lifted it?
Patrick Haynes: (shrugs) Human nature. We always covet what we can't have.
(GRISSOM pushes away from the wall and looks at PATRICK HAYNES.)
Grissom: What did you covet from Portia Richmond?
(PATRICK looks uncertain and takes a breath to say something ... just as the door to the room opens. NICK walks in.)
Nick: Grissom?
(GRISSOM turns to look at NICK.)
Nick: Can I talk to you?
(GRISSOM turns back to look at PATRICK HAYNES who is now leaning back in his chair, much more comfortable than he was a moment before. He smirks at GRISSOM.)
(GRISSOM turns and heads for the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK steps out into the hallway and waits for GRISSOM. GRISSOM slams the door shut.)
Grissom: (angry) Are you looking for work?
Nick: I just ...
Grissom: The sign says, "Do Not Enter," Nick. You can't read anymore? You're blind? What?
Nick: Grissom, this is important.
Grissom: (furious) This is important. Sometimes in interrogations, Nick, you get one chance, one answer. And while I'm out here screwing around with you he's in there thinking up an answer that he didn't have before you walked in.
Nick: We matched the DNA taken from Lacey Duvall to a cold case in Texas ten years ago.
Grissom: And?
Nick: The suspect's name was Chad Matthews.
Grissom: C.M. The cuff link. Okay, I'm starting to forgive you.
Nick: Sara ran Patrick Haynes' social. The real Haynes is deceased. So Patrick Haynes is Chad Matthews and Chad Matthews is on the run.
Grissom: And he just ran into us.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY]
(A man walking by the Sheriff shakes his hand as he walks past.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Good morning. Nice to have you back.
(GRISSOM walks up to THE SHERIFF.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you have any idea what the hot topic of conversation is going to be when I walk into that breakfast?
Grissom: You're announcing your candidacy for Mayor?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: That's cute. Patrick Haynes is in custody. Does he have anything to do with Portia Richmond's vanishing act?
Grissom: Haynes is in lockup awaiting extradition to Texas on an unrelated matter.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: So, in the meanwhile we're questioning him in connection with Portia Richmond's disappearance.
Grissom: (smiles) You know, I think you're going to get my vote for mayor.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: What have we got on Richmond?
Grissom: A canine.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Her dog.
Grissom: Her tooth.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: (nods) What about the rest of her?
GRISSOM; Still looking.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, look harder, 'cause if someone leaks it to the press that she's d*ad and then she gets off a lear jet at McCarran with a tan, we're both going to have egg on our face and I'm going to hold you responsible. Portia Richmond got me elected, Grissom. I was at her party. Do you see what this does to me?
Grissom: Evidence is like fine wine, Brian. You can't just open the bottle and drink it. You got to let it breathe.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, I'm going to lay this on the line right here and now. You find me Portia Richmond or you find me a motive for her m*rder 'cause I'm in your kitchen till it's solved.
(The SHERIFF leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into his office and finds BRASS looking through his scope.)
Grissom: Make yourself at home.
Brass: Where you been?
Grissom: Proctologist.
Brass: Sheriff getting your ass, eh? Well, I just h*t megabucks. Austin PD has five aliases for Chad Matthews.
(BRASS opens the first file.)
Brass: Tom Sheridan, wanted in Beacham County. Petty theft, check fraud.
(BRASS hands the file to GRISSOM, then opens the second file.)
Brass: Warner Drysdale, wanted in Sacramento. Grand larceny, car theft.
(BRASS hands the second file to GRISSOM, then opens the third file.)
Brass: Guy took a car for a test drive ... never brought it back. Jock Jasper-
I'm not making these names up -- extorted money from a rich widow in Denver.
(He hands that file to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Busy boy.
Brass: Yeah, and organized, too. The Denver PD sent me copies of his journal. Guy kept lists of rich women all around the country. Logged in all their vitals. Height, weight, how much money they have, you name it. Guess who was on that list.
Grissom: Does her name begin with a "P"?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE, NICK and SARA sit around the table going over the files.)
Catherine: Well, according to her credit card statements Portia Richmond hasn't spent a dime since she's been in the Mediterranean.
Sara: She's d*ad.
Catherine: Oh, not necessarily. Maybe she's been ... swept off her feet.
Nick: Hmm. Yeah, some guys still like to foot the bill.
Sara: Really? How would you know?
Nick: Hey, I only go Dutch if girls ask the wrong question.
Catherine: And what question is that, Nick?
Nick: "What do you drive?"
Sara: It's an honest question.
Nick: No. No, it's not. What it means is, "How much money do you make? So you can take care of me."
Sara: (grinning) Well, not this girl.
(CATHERINE holds up a cancelled check dated 3/15 for $750.00. The bottom of the check reads, ... 37-43432-41250. In the signature area, there are holes through the paper.)
Catherine: Boys and girls, we've got ourselves a forgery.
Nick: Ooh. Either that or a dimpled ballot.
(NICK looks through the back side of the check and sees the holes in them, too.)
Catherine: Well, his name is "Chad".
(CATHERINE hands the check to CATHERINE.)
Nick: (clears his throat) Hmm. Let's connect the dots.
Sara: What does that mean?
(NICK puts a pad down on the table in front of him.)
Nick: Here, I'll show you. Catherine, you wear pierced earrings. May I?
Catherine: All right, but ... I've had them on for a week. Can't account for what's on it.
(CATHERINE takes off her earring and hands it to NICK.)
Nick: Sign your name, please.
Sara: Okay.
(SARA signs her name on the paper.)
Nick: Now, nobody signs their signature exactly the same way twice. Not even you, chicken scratch. If they do, then one of them's a forgery. Here's where connecting the dots comes in.
(Using the earring, NICK starts poking holes along SARA'S signature.)
Nick: We dot the lines... and curves ... of the signature.
Catherine: Which leaves small indentations on the blank sheet. All you do now is connect the dots, then get rid of the evidence ... but, obviously, they didn't.
Sara: Well, that's scary. All you need is one signature to break somebody.
(NICK starts "forging" SARA'S signature.)
Catherine: Suddenly a personal shredder sounds like a mighty find investment.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY]
(WARRICK knocks on the door. MANDY looks up from her desk.)
Mandy: You look terrible.
(WARRICK slowly walks into the lab.)
Warrick: I been spinning my wheels. I'm never going to solve this case. It was over before it began.
Mandy: That doesn't sound like you.
Warrick: I got a d*ad man in a glass elevator with a bazillion prints and a .22 caliber b*llet.
Mandy: That's virtually untraceable.
Warrick: And he left the g*n at the scene. You know what that means.
Mandy: h*t man was a ghost.
(WARRICK sits down.)
Warrick: But I got two things left, right?
Mandy: Make that one thing.
Warrick: You got to be kidding me.
Mandy: It gets worse. Got a print off your quarter. Ran it through AFIS. Came back your d*ad man.
(She pushes the results in front of WARRICK.)
(Quick flashback to: The HITMAN sh**t and puts the g*n down on the elevator ground. He puts the quarter in the victim's forehead and presses the victim's thumb against it. The HITMAN leaves the elevator. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(WARRICK sighs and hangs his head.)
Mandy: Pretty gruesome.
(WARRICK pushes the paper results away from him and rubs his eyes. This case is hitting him harder than he wants to admit.)
Warrick: Want to share?
(WARRICK sighs and shakes his head.)
Warrick: I was just thinking what old man Binion told Steve Wynn when he h*t town: "Always give a gambler an excuse to gamble and he'll thank you for it."
Mandy: Was your guy a gambler?
Warrick: A bunch of cash receipts in his pocket. Markers all over town. Once you get to that place there's no getting out.
CUT TO:
[INT. RESTAURANT - DAY]
(NICK, CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS sit in a booth having lunch.)
Nick: Who picked this place?
Catherine: Me. I thought it would be nice.
Brass: Okay, you can pick up the tab. Let's keep talking about motive.
Catherine: Let's. I don't think a forged signature is a slam dunk for m*rder.
Nick: Hey, did anyone tell Grissom where we were having lunch?
Sara: Yeah, dispatch left a message.
Brass: Maybe he thought it was the Sheriff, and blew it off.
(Everyone continues eating.)
INTERCUT TO:
[INT. RICHMOND MANSION - POOL AND LAGOON AREA - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks out into the back area to look around. He walks up to the fish in the lagoon. He kneels down close to the water to look inside.)
(The GARDNER walks up the path.)
Gardener: Hey! You might want to take your face away from there.
Grissom: Really? Why is that?
(As GRISSOM watches, one of the fish breaks surface.)
Sara: (V.O.) This Chilean Sea Bass is wonderful.
CUT TO:
[INT. RESTAURANT]
Catherine: So is this.
Sara: Okay, you got your missing widow. Her bloody tooth found in her own bedroom which is currently occupied by two moes.
Brass: "Moes." I'm rubbing off on you.
(BRASS takes a forkful of SARA'S sea bass and eats it.)
Sara: No, you're not, and stay out of my sea bass.
Nick: Oh, that is good. One of our moes has six names that we know of including Chad Matthews.
Catherine: Right, right, and we've got a cuff link with the initials C.M. Found in the bottom of the pool along with a floating showgirl.
Sara: Who was sleeping with six men rolled into one -- Patrick Haynes.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room.)
Grissom: Hey.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Hey. Photos of your showgirl.
(DR. ROBBINS hands GRISSOM a stack of photos which he immediately goes through. He's looking for something specific.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: What did I miss?
Grissom: It's not what you missed. It's what seems to be missing.
(GRISSOM points to the red welts around LACEY DUVALL'S neck. He counts them coming up one short.)
Grissom: A fingernail?
Nick: (V.O.) Okay, Patrick Haynes.
INTERCUT TO:
[INT. RESTAURANT]
(Lunch is finished. BRASS wipes his mouth. NICK has his cup of coffee.)
Brass: Or whoever.
Nick: Whoever. He commits a m*rder ten years ago. Why give up your DNA so easily?
Catherine: Exactly. I mean, you know, you can change your name. You can't change your blueprint.
Nick: Right on.
Sara: Risk versus reward. You sleep with someone, you k*ll 'em, the heat's on. You flee, or, you roll the dice and maybe you get your cookie.
Nick: What's the cookie?
Brass: The cheese, brother. Maybe that 1.6 mil they raised at the charity event that night.
Catherine: The Hayneses controlled Portia Richmond's bank account including the Burn Center Account but they had to stick around for the checks to clear.
Sara: So why k*ll Lacey Duvall?
Catherine: Excellent question.
Brass: I don't know, but if Lacey Duvall hadn't been m*rder Patrick Daynes reinvents himself becomes another Skippy in another state, $1.6 mil richer.
Nick: Wait, wait. Time out, now. I had half a Caesar and a coffee. How's my end 20 bucks?
Sara: You want to go Dutch, Nick?
Nick: Excellent idea, Sara. You're catching on. I'd love to.
(Everyone starts throwing their money into the pot in the center of the table. CATHERINE looks over the check.)
Catherine: Uh, Brass, cough it up. Cover Nick's, too. He had that tiramisu.
Brass: (groans) I hate going out to lunch with you CSIs. You notice everything.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks in through the hallway and heads for the DNA lab.)
Grissom: Hey. Whatever happened to the fingernail that Catherine found at the crime scene?
Greg Sanders: Got the results right here.
(He picks up the results.)
Greg Sanders: First things first. Not a match to Patrick Haynes.
Grissom: I never figured a man for the fingernail, Greg.
Greg Sanders: Okay, but here's where you break out the can of creep repellent. The fingernail and the semen share half the DNA markers in common.
(GRISSOM stops and thinks about the possibilities.)
Grissom: Possible first-degree relative?
(GREG watches GRISSOM'S reaction and is pleased. He nods. GRISSOM reaches into his case and takes out an evidence envelope. He opens it up for GREG.)
Grissom: Do me a favor. Run this for me.
(GREG reaches for a tissue and takes out a straw. He looks at the tip.)
Greg Sanders: What is that, lip gloss? Whose?
Grissom: You tell me.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(The door closes and GRISSOM walks in with something covered by a cloth and puts it on the counter in the back of the room. CATHERINE looks curiously at it.)
Brass: On behalf ... of the State of Nevada my apologies. You've been cleared of all charges.
Patrick Haynes: (amused) It took three of you to tell me that?
Brass: But ... on behalf of the State of Texas you're under arrest. You're being extradited for the m*rder of Lana Grimshaw.
Patrick Haynes: I slept with her, but I didn't k*ll her.
Catherine: Huh. Just like with Lacey Duvall.
Patrick Haynes: Absolutely.
(The door opens and AMANDA HAYNES is escorted in by an OFFICER. She walks into the room.)
Grissom: Mm-hmm. Now I see it.
Patrick Haynes: (shakes his head) What? See what?
Grissom: The family resemblance.
(CATHERINE turns around to look at the HAYNES'.)
Grissom: Donnie and Marie -- brother and sister -- I've got the DNA to prove it.
(AMANDA HAYNES swallows. PATRICK gets to his feet and walks toward AMANDA.)
Grissom: Let me tell you what else I can prove. Your sister, k*lled Lacey Duvall.
(PATRICK turns to look at AMANDA.)
(Quick flashback to: LACEY and AMANDA are arguing.)
Lacey Duvall: He told me he loves me. No more faking love. No more acts.
Amanda Haynes: Is that what he told you? That's an act? It's as real as it gets.
Lacey Duvall: Patrick says you're small-time. You just don't have the stones to go big.
Amanda Haynes: You don't know Patrick.
Lacey Duvall: You mean Chad?
(She holds up the cuff link.)
Lacey Duvall: He gave me this. You know what's next. It's my turn.
(AMANDA grabs the cuff link and it falls into the pool. The two fight. Flash to: AMANDA grabs LACEY'S throat and breaks a nail in the process. She squeezes, then throws LACEY into the swimming pool.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(PATRICK looks at AMANDA.)
Amanda Haynes: (to PATRICK) You're surprised? Look at your face. You never made a mistake until you met her.
Patrick Haynes: You k*lled Lacey because I told her about us?
Amanda Haynes: I had no choice. We were partners. You can't grift me, Chad.
Catherine: Uh ... who wants to tell us about Portia Richmond?
(PATRICK turns around and sticks with his story.)
Patrick Haynes: She's in Europe.
Amanda Haynes: On a yacht, in Greece.
Brass: Oh, right. She's incommunicado.
Grissom: Old testament. The Book of Jonah.
(GRISSOM steps forward and puts the cloth-covered container in the center of the table.)
Grissom: "And now, the Lord arranged for a great fish to swallow up Jonah."
(He pulls off the cloth to show a container with a couple of fish from the pond outside the RICHMOND MANSION.)
Grissom: You know what's wrong with the piranha, though? They've got high cholesterol.
Catherine: Cholesterol is found in humans, not fish. So how does a fish acquire human cholesterol?
(PATRICK looks at the fish and sits down.)
Grissom: You want to fill in the blanks?
(Quick flashback to: In front of the fireplace in the master bedroom, PATRICK HAYNES sits on the bed and calls to PORTIA.)
Patrick Haynes: Portia.
(He stands up, she turns around and he hits her. She falls down.)
(Cut to: The body is thrown into the pond where the piranha feasts on her. First her hands in the bloodied water ... then her bones as they pick off the flesh.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: You're both under arrest for the m*rder of Portia Richmond.
(CATHERINE leans forward against the table and looks at the fish in the container.)
CUT TO:
[INT. MEDITERRANEAN CASINO - NIGHT]
(High above the main floor, WARRICK pulls out the debt slips and hands them over to the PIT BOSS.)
Warrick: These belong to Tyson Green. Just came to let you know he won't be paying up.
Pit Boss: What's he, d*ad?
Warrick: Yeah.
(Down on the main floor a woman screams as her machine hits a win.)
Pit Boss: It's machine 25 again. Been spitting silver all day. It's a good day to gamble.
(The PIT BOSS walks away leaving WARRICK alone with his thoughts.)
(WARRICK walks out onto the main floor and slowly makes his way through the machines.)
(He stops and looks around. He watches as gamblers pull the slot machine handles. He watches the women press the slot machine buttons.)
(Camera spins around WARRICK intercutting with various gambling scenes of people at the table, at the slot machines, the coins, the lights ... )
[from 1X02: Cool Change]
Sara: (V.O.) Vegas, NFL football, a guy like you. Come on, you trying to tell me that you didn't make a little pit stop?
[from 1X11: I-15 m*rder]
Grissom: (V.O.) What you do on your time is nobody's business. What you do on my time, is my business.
[from 1X10: Sex, Lies and Larvae]
Conrad Ecklie: (V.O.) Warrick Brown had one of my guys sub for him in court but I have it on good authority that he was gambling.
[from 1X11: I-15 m*rder]
Sara: (V.O.) Warrick has a problem. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.
(Camera comes to a stop on WARRICK.)
[from 1X02: Cool Change]
Warrick: (V.O.) I won't let you down again.
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x15 - Table Stakes"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. SHOPPING MALL (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT SHOPPING MALL PARKING GARAGE (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CITRUS CANYON MALL - PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT]
(In the parking garage, the security guards gather around the television set and watch the game.)
(A woman walks up to the elevators and presses the button. The doors open and she walks inside.)
(Cut to: The elevator takes the woman up to the floor. The elevators open and she walks out. She walks across the parking lot toward her car.)
(She reaches for her keys and disables the car alarm. As she reaches the car to unlock the car door. Someone sticks a g*n in her back. She screams.)
(He pushes her against the car window and instructs her.)
Male Voice: Give me your keys and get in the car.
(She drops the keys and it falls to the floor.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERTED ROAD - NIGHT]
(A car drives down the deserted roadway. Off to the side of the road lying on the dirt is the WOMAN from the shopping mall.)
(Cut to: Inside the car, as they take the bend, the lights from the car fall upon the WOMAN on the side of the road.)
Rosalyn Dudek: What is that?
(It starts to rain. The car pulls over to check it out. HANK and ROSALYN DUDEK both step out of the car.)
Hank Dudek: Is that a body?
(They shut the car doors and step in for a closer look.)
(The WOMAN moves.)
Rosalyn Dudek: Oh, my god. She's alive.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERTED ROAD - NIGHT - LATER]
(POLICE CARS pull over. The CSI Tahoe also pulls over as they arrive at the site.)
(SARA, GRISSOM and NICK get out of the car to meet up with BRASS.)
Sara: Hey.
Brass: Here's what I know so far. Victim was a well-dressed woman, young, black. She's at Desert Palm Hospital multiple g*n to the head possible sexual as*ault. Doctor has her as "death imminent."
Grissom: Sara, I'm going to need you to go to the hospital process the victim-- sexual as*ault kit, hairs, fibers, the works.
Sara: Right now? I thought I would help you two with the scene.
Grissom: The evidence won't stay on the body long at the E.R.
Sara: Walk in the park, guys.
(SARA leaves.)
(NICK and GRISSOM cross under the crime scene table. They look around the area where the body was found. NICK finds some shoe prints. He takes pictures of it.)
Nick: It looks like a high heel print. Maybe abducted.
(He takes more pictures.)
Nick: Did she know the guy? Did he use his car or hers?
Grissom: Locard's principle: He took a piece of her away with him and he left a piece of himself here. (b*at) We get to find it.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE, WARRICK and GRISSOM walk into the lab carrying boxes of evidence for a case.)
Grissom: Thank you, my sherpas.
Catherine: Surely. (They put the boxes down on the table.) So, you got our assignments?
Grissom: You're looking at it. m*rder case.
Catherine: This mess? You're not serious.
Grissom: DA is. Guy named McCall sh*t and k*lled his neighbor over a motorcycle. D.A. Can't make heads or tails of the evidence for the preliminary hearing.
Warrick: Where's McCall now? He's being held?
Grissom: He ran from the arresting officers so the Judge refused him bail.
Catherine: And why isn't the case CSI dealing with this?
Grissom: Franovich from days? He quit yesterday. Burnout.
Catherine: And what did the DA charge?
Grissom: m*rder one. The case has changed hands so many times that the D.A. Can't make any sense of it. It gets better. The prelim's in four days.
(At that, CATHERINE drops the file she's looking at back on the table.)
Catherine: Well, no pressure here.
Warrick: Great.
Grissom: Cath, can I see you outside for a sec?
(CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM, puzzled by the request, then follows him outside.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE talk in the hallway.)
Catherine: Why would my bank be asking you about my employment record?
Grissom: Well, technically, I'm your supervisor. They said that Eddie took a second mortgage out on your house. They said that you still own it together until the divorce is final.
(CATHERINE sighs.)
Catherine: We didn't want to sell it until the market went back up and then we were going to split the profits. I can't believe he took a second out on the house. How can he do that without my signature?
Grissom: It's Eddie. I just thought you should know. I gotta get back out to Nick.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DESERT PALM HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SARA walks into the busy hospital emergency area and heads for DETECTIVE EVANS who leans against the door.)
Sara: Hey.
Det. Evans: Hey.
Sara: You get any I.D. On her?
Det. Evans: No. She's a Jane Doe. She's got two b*ll*ts lodged in her brain. Docs can't remove them without k*lling her.
Sara: All right.
(SARA turns to enter the room. The NURSE who is leaving lets her inside.)
Nurse: Come in.
Sara: Hi.
[EMERGENCY EXAM ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
(The NURSE closes her door on her way out. DET. EVANS helps SARA with her kit.)
Sara: Thanks.
(He puts it on the counter in the back of the room. SARA turns and looks at JANE DOE in bed.)
(SARA notes the missing ring on her finger.)
Sara: Make a note she's married. Or recently divorced.
(DET. EVANS takes a notebook out from his pocket. SARA reaches out and picks up JANE DOE'S hand.)
Sara: She's warm.
Det. Evans: Feels different, huh?
(SARA looks at JANE DOE, then calls back out to EVANS.)
Sara: Uh, Evans ... we're going to need a little privacy here.
(DET. EVANS turns and leaves the room. SARA pushes the table forward, then takes off her jacket. She opens her kit and puts on a pair of gloves.)
(On the side table, SARA takes a package off the Sexual as*ault Evidence Collection Kit box. She sits down. She looks at JANE DOE, then starts with scraping under her fingernails into the envelope.)
(Dissolve to: SARA leans over and reaches out to take a swab of her mouth.)
(Dissolve to: SARA is at the foot of the bed and rolls up the blanket above JANE DOE'S knees. She positions her legs, then reaches for a speculum.)
Sara: I never really liked this part of my yearly exam. These things are always freezing.
(SARA tries to warm the speculum up a moment.)
Sara: Okay.
(She places the instrument and reaches for a swab, her eyes constantly rising to look at JANE DOE on the bed.)
CUT TO:
SCENE #07
[EXT. DESERTED ROAD - DAY
(Camera snaps a photo of evidence marker #2. Cut to: The camera snaps another photo of evidence marker #1, an empty b*llet casing.)
(NICK is taking photographs.)
Nick: Cartridge casings. They don't look like hunters' either.
(GRISSOM sees something and kneels down to look at it.)
(Camera zooms in for a close up of a piece of denim partially covered by a rock)
Grissom: Nick, get a sh*t of this.
(GRISSOM removes the rock.)
Grissom: Looks like a belt loop.
(NICK walks over to look at it.)
Nick: We couldn't have been there long. No elements.
(He takes a picture.)
Grissom: Brass, was the victim wearing denim?
Brass: Silk or lace, something like that. Definitely not denim.
(He takes another photo.)
Grissom: Good chance this is our suspect's. I'm going to use scent pads.
(GRISSOM stands up. NICK glances over at BRASS, then stands up also.)
Nick: Scent pads?
Brass: Canine voodoo.
(GRISSOM is at the back of the car opening a kit as he explains it further to NICK.)
Grissom: A dog's sense of smell is about 40 times more acute than a human's. A dog's nose is packed with dense rolls of membranes that absorb odor. Stretched out, these membranes extend about a third the length of a dog's body. The membranes of the human nose about the size of a postage stamp.
(GRISSOM puts the Sirchie scent pad machine together.)
Nick: Looks like a giant dustbuster.
GRISSOM; Similar. You place absorbent pads into the chamber then run the machine over the suspected item. Then you take the pad seal it in an envelope and freeze it.
(GRISSOM picks up the scent pad machine and heads back to the area.)
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, then we pull them out when we know enough about this denim guy to find a proximal location.
Grissom: Except there's a caveat.
(GRISSOM turns the machine on and holds it over the small piece of denim.)
Brass: You want to explain that caveat?
(Quick CGI POV through the nozzle of the scent pad machine as it "gathers" the
"scent" from the denim piece and is sucked into the scent pad.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Later.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.
Grissom: Hopefully, Sara's making some progress.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK go over the files for the case.)
Warrick: Hey, are you just going to ignore my question?
Catherine: I called Eddie about the loan. I got his voicemail. The guy's like ether. You going to answer my question?
Warrick: All right, here's what we know from the arresting officer:
(WARRICK picks up the file and reads.)
Warrick: Two 25-year-old guys Chuckie Hastings and Roy McCall, lifelong neighbors one step up from a trailer park got into a beef over a motorcycle in the owner's backyard.
Catherine: All right, here's McCall's statement. If you can believe a guy who's looking at m*rder. Mccall says that he returned Hastings' motorcycle to him with the front end smashed up. They were standing in Hastings' backyard...
(Quick flashback to: HASTINGS is looking at the damage to the motorcycle. McCALL stands next to him.)
Roy McCall: I told you I'd pay for it.
Chuckie Hastings: Yeah, you said that last time.
(ROY McCALL turns away.)
ROY McCALL: Whatever.
(CHUCKIE HASTINGS gets to his feet.)
Chuckie Hastings: Yeah, whatever. You bastard.
(HASTINGS slaps McCALL.)
Roy McCall: Hey, back off, man, back off.
(HASTINGS picks up a screwdriver.)
Chuckie Hastings: You're going to pay for all of it.
(HASTINGS swings the screwdriver and att*cks MCCALL with it. He swipes MCCALL in the arm before MCCALL pushes him away. MCCALL looks down at the wound in his arm, then reaches for his g*n.)
Catherine: (V.O.) Mccall defends himself with an a*t*matic that was down his pants.
(MCCALL pulls out an a*t*matic, aims and sh**t. Once, twice.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: All right, now, Hastings' wife said that McCall sh*t Hastings in the back.
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Warrick: And the coroner's report substantiates that.
(Quick flashback to: CHUCKIE HASTINGS has his back to ROY MCCALL when MCCALL sh**t him twice. LAURIANE HASTINGS watches on the side and screams.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: So, what? McCall lied. He really said that Hastings cam at him with a screwdriver so he can plead self-defense?
Warrick: Well, we would need the screwdriver with McCall's blood on it to prove that, now, wouldn't we?
(CATHERINE stands up ready to search through the boxes.)
Catherine: All right, which box?
Warrick: I have been through all these boxes twice. It's not there.
Catherine: The evidence is lost? In a m*rder case?
Warrick: The g*n is here, but there's no screwdriver. They even have crime scene photos of it. But no tests were run on it before it was misplaced.
Catherine: So, we know why Franovich left. He quit before we could f*re his ass.
Warrick: Right.
Catherine: So, you know who the DA will blame for this?
Warrick: Yeah, the same people homicide'll blame.
Catherine: Well, now that we've exhausted all of our options let's start over.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
(BOBBY DAWSON looks at the monitor running the cartridge comparison through the database.)
Bobby Dawson: So this lady's expected to die. Is that the story?
Grissom: Somebody r*ped her, sh*t her and left her for d*ad.
Nick: And left two cartridge casings behind for us. Thank you very much.
(Quick CGI POV to: A Camera close up of a g*n being fired and the two empty cartridge casings falling to the ground. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Bobby Dawson: That kind of oversight tells you he's stupid.
Grissom: Or true to form. People are usually meticulous in planning up to a m*rder. They rarely plan the aftermath.
Nick: Still, you'd think the bad guys would figure we'd eventually start a database on cartridge casings, huh?
(GRISSOM looks up when the computer starts to beep. The monitor indicates two matches.)
Bobby Dawson: Gentlemen, we've got ourselves a bull's-eye.
Nick: Well, well, well. Looks like this g*n was used before in a case we've handled.
(The monitor splices the b*ll*ts in half and matches the two sides together to each other.)
Nick: North Vegas sh**ting.
Bobby Dawson: You gotta do a side-by-side comparison to be sure.
Grissom: Well, listen, if you get a confirmation, page me. I gotta go see Sara.
(GRISSOM stands and leaves the lab.)
Bobby Dawson: Okay.
(BOBBY takes a seat in front of the monitor.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY EXAM ROOM - NIGHT]
(SARA finishes the exam and puts the envelopes on the box on her kit. She moves to the side to pick up the packages of victim clothing. As she lifts it, something falls out of the package and onto the floor. The metal hits the floor with a clink.)
(SARA picks it up and looks at it under the lamp.)
Sara: Saint Catherine. She studied science.
(SARA sits down in the seat next to the bed continuing to talk with JANE DOE.)
Sara: She was touch and very outspoken. Went against the Emperor himself. Chewed him out for persecuting Christians. Took him two or three tries to execute her.
(She pauses and thinks about it ... about the similarities.)
Sara: She never gave up. She was brave.
(SARA puts the medallion in JANE DOE'S hand.)
Sara: You hold on to this.
(Through the window in the door, GRISSOM walks up to the door. He watches as SARA pulls her seat closer to JANE DOE. He pushes the door open and hears what SARA says.)
Sara: (quietly) This shouldn't have happened to you. But, I promise I will find out who did this. I promise.
(SARA sits back in her seat and notices GRISSOM standing in the doorway.)
Grissom: Hey.
Sara: Hey.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. SARA stands up.)
Sara: Sexual as*ault kit's ready to process.
Grissom: How's it look?
(SARA stands in front of GRISSOM, a little off-balance by his question.)
Sara: We'll see. She's, um ... (she nods, gathering her composure) ... breathing.
Grissom: She's evidence.
(Not liking his response, SARA doesn't say anything and turns around back to the bed.)
Grissom: Sara?
Sara: Yeah?
Grissom: If you try and chase two rabbits you end up losing them both.
(SARA stares at GRISSOM. He slowly backs away from the door letting it close between them.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. HASTINGS RESIDENCE - DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk toward the HASTINGS' house. A dog barks as they walk up the front.)
(CATHERINE knocks on the door. A woman answers.)
Catherine: Hi. Laurieane Hastings? We're with the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
Laurieane Hastings: Cops. I have talked to enough of you already.
Warrick: Ma'am, we're not cops. We're crime scene investigators. We've come to ask you a few questions about the day that your husband was k*lled. Maybe acquaint ourselves with the actual crime scene.
Laurieane Hastings: Is this going to let Roy McCall out of jail which is where he belongs?
Catherine: We're simply reviewing the evidence for the preliminary hearing.
[INT. HASTINGS' RESIDENCE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(She leads them into the garage where the motorcycle is.)
Laurieane Hastings: McCall was always borrowing this motorcycle and Chuckie was mad at him 'cause he returned it wrecked again. He was yelling at him and out of the blue mccall pulled his g*n.
Catherine: You were home.
Laurieane Hastings: Yes, I was.
Catherine: And you saw the sh**ting?
Laurieane Hastings: I most certainly did. I was doing laundry here ...
(Quick flashback to: On the day of the sh**ting, LAURIEANE HASTINGS is standing at the washing machine when she hears voices.)
Roy McCall: (o.s.) Get your hands off me.
Chuckie Hastings: (o.s.) I'm sick of you, man.
Roy McCall: (o.s.) Whatever.
(White flash to: LAURIEANE HASTINGS walks out of the house and sees HASTINGS AND MCCALL in a shoving match in the back yard.
Laurieane Hastings: (V.O.) I went to see and try to break it up.
Chuckie Hastings: Back off, man. Back off.
(She watches as CHUCKIE turns around to walk toward her.)
Chuckie Hastings: Get your sorry ass off my property.
(MCCALL takes out his g*n and sh**t him in the back.)
(CHUCKIE HASTINGS looks at LAURIEANE, then falls to the ground. She starts screaming.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Out back here?
Laurieane Hastings: Yes.
(WARRICK opens the back door and walks outside.)
Catherine: How long did you say they had been arguing before you heard the first sh*t?
Laurieane Hastings: (shrugs) Couple minutes.
Catherine: And then you went out back?
Laurieane Hastings: That's right.
Catherine: Okay, thank you. This won't take very long.
(CATHERINE reaches into her pocket and takes out a stopwatch. She clicks it on, then runs out the back door.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HASTINGS RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE runs out the back door into the yard. WARRICK sees her.)
Warrick: What's up?
(CATHERINE clicks off the stopwatch and explains.
Catherine: She did a "fill-in" back there in the garage. First, she said she saw both sh*ts, but I just asked her and she said she heard the first sh*t and then came running out here.
Warrick: Heard the first sh*t and then came running out here.
Catherine: Yeah.
Warrick: McCall had a semiautomatic. I mean, you could pull off a sh*t in two-tenths of a second.
Catherine: Right. It took me 3.8 seconds to get out here. She didn't see any sh*t.
Warrick: So she just filled in what she thought happened -- that McCall sh*t her husband in cold blood.
Catherine: Right.
Warrick: Typical eyewitness.
Catherine: So, there's a good chance that McCall was telling the truth -- that he sh*t Hastings in self-defense.
Warrick: Well, if we had the screwdriver that someone lost
Catherine: Right.
Warrick: We'd be able to check for blood.
Catherine: Right. Let's go see McCall. No one lost him.
(They both leave the backyard.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE LOCKER - DAY]
(GRISSOM, NICK and SARA go through the evidence from the case.)
Nick: Hey, you guys, this North Vegas sh**ting with the same casings as our Jane Doe's?
Grissom: Mm-hmm.
Nick: It was g*ng-related. And homicide never found the sh**t.
Grissom: It's almost impossible in g*ng neighborhoods. Nobody wants to talk. People are afraid. Listen, let's see if we have any evidence that's not attributed to the victim.
(They look at the paper bags. SARA finds something.)
Sara: Here you go.
(She takes out a cap with a snake logo sewn on the front.)
Nick: Snakebacks.
Grissom: g*ng sh**t mark their kills by tossing down their hats.
(Quick flashback to: A d*ad body on the ground. The person throws their hat with the snake logo on it over the body. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Some sort of anthropological quirk of territoriality. Like cats spraying on a bush.
(NICK laughs. SARA takes the hat.)
Nick: Lets the opposition know who was responsible.
(She looks at it and notices something.)
Sara: Somebody wore this hat a lot.
(Quick Close up of a sweaty head, the inside of the hat, and the sweat marks on the inside of the hat. Resume to present.)
Sara: This sweatband might give us DNA and I could compare it to the samples I collected off of Jane at the hospital.
(GRISSOM looks at SARA, surprised.)
Grissom: Jane?
Sara: Our ... Jane Doe. My "death imminent."
Nick: First-name basis, Sara?
(SARA looks at NICK.)
Sara: I'll be in DNA.
CUT TO:
[EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY]
(BRASS walks around the corner. GRISSOM and NICK get out of the car.)
Brass: Hey. This is, uh, Detective Sam Vega from the g*ng detail. He's here to give us information on 23rd street. This is Gil Grissom and Nick Stokes from the crime lab.
(They shake hands.)
Grissom: We're looking for a sh**t. Guy abducted, r*ped and sh*t a young black woman the other night.
Det. Sam Vega: We get a couple of sh**t a week here from the snakebacks, out of a four-block radius from this point here. Usually at the pepper street g*ng. Your guy might have left the neighborhood as part of a g*ng initiation. It means more when the victim's a civilian.
Nick: Our ball cap belongs to somebody in this neighborhood. These houses are full of people who know the guy who wears it.
Brass: Okay, Nick, ready to burn some shoe leather? Some old-fashioned police work? What do you say, huh?
(BRASS leads them away.)
Nick: Why can't we just use those scent pads?
Grissom: The dogs? Constitutional issue. We can't get a warrant for the evidence we find off the dogs' search.
Nick: Great, great. Why'd you even suggest it?
Grissom: You're a grown man, Nick. Stop whining.
(Camera cuts to an above the neighborhood sh*t showing just how large an area they need to cover.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK question ROY MCCALL with his lawyer, MARGARET FINN.)
Warrick: Mr. McCall, according to your statement you went over to your neighbor Hastings' house to return his motorcycle. You got into a dispute over a wrecked fender and he att*cked you with a screwdriver.
(MCCALL looks at MARGARET FINN who nods to him.)
Roy McCall: He s*ab me in the arm.
(Quick flashback to: CHUCKIE HASTINGS grabs a screwdriver as they argue.)
Chuckie Hastings: Hey, back off, man.
Roy McCall: You're gonna pay for this.
(HASTINGS s*ab MCCALL in the arm. The two struggle.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Can you circle the area in which the screwdriver entered your arm when Hastings att*cked you?
(MCCALL grabs the pen with his right hand and marks the paper. He puts the pen down.)
Catherine: May I exam your client's wound?
Margaret Finn: Yes, anything to clear my client.
(CATHERINE stands up. MCCALL pulls up his sleeve to show the mark on his arm.)
Catherine: Thanks.
(CATHERINE turns to WARRICK. MCCALL and MARGARET FINN speak softly to each other.)
Catherine: (softly to WARRICK) I think he's telling the truth. He's right-handed. I could tell when he took the pen.
Warrick: So you're saying that if he'd inflicted the wound on himself he would have s*ab his left arm.
Catherine: And even if he'd tried to fool us and s*ab his right arm the entry scar would have been upward, not down.
Warrick: Mr. McCall, which direction was Hastings facing when you sh*t him?
Margaret Finn: He was facing my client. End of story.
Catherine: Well, the coroner disagrees.
Margaret Finn: Well, that's the coroner's problem. And I after I tell any jury how your side managed to lose a piece of evidence as important as the screwdriver ... (WARRICK sighs.) really, how much weight will the coroner's findings have?
(MARGARET FINN reaches for her bag.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk out of the interview room and into the hallway.))
Catherine: People don't realize just how many sets of hands a piece of evidence passes through. Losing evidence isn't about anything sneaky. It's just human error.
(CATHERINE'S phone rings.)
Warrick: Defense attorneys have made a whole career off that human error.
Catherine: Yeah, tell me about it.
(She takes out her phone and answers it.)
Catherine: (to phone) Hello. Eddie ... (to WARRICK) I-I'll meet you at the coroner's. (to phone) So, you took a second out on the house and, uh, didn't tell me about it? No, I would have remembered you telling me something as big as... oh, a studio. Are you out of your mind? So, now I'm going to be making house payments which you never had money for when we lived together and a second mortgage? No, we don't have time to talk about this. (angry) You get that loan canceled, and you do it now, Ed. Now!
(CATHERINE hangs up and sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(WARRICK talks with DR. ROBBINS.)
Warrick: Doc, are you sure McCall sh*t Hastings in the back?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Back to front, both times.
Warrick: This guy McCall swears that he sh*t him straight ahead in self-defense.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Look at my notes.
(DR. ROBBINS walks over to the desk where the file is.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Right here. "Entry wounds piercing the back, both small, regular with evidence of carbonaceous material typical of having just emerged from a g*n ... "
Warrick: (nods) Right.
Dr. Albert Robbins: "...And they exited out the front with a classic keyhole effect-- irregular. First b*llet entered Hastings'
(Quick CGI POV: The g*n fires. The b*llet sh**t out of the barrel, through the cloth and into flesh. It passes through the necessary organs and muscles, then pierces back out.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) ... "lattissimus dorsi passed through the lower intestine exited out the intercostal muscle.
(End of quick CGI POV. Resume to WARRICK.)
(Quick CGI POV of the second sh*t. The sound of a g*n f*ring, the b*llet pierces through the cloth, through the flesh and out the back.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) The second b*llet passed through Hastings' C-7
thoracic nerve exited out the pectoralis major."
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(DR. ROBBINS looks at WARRICK who closes the file.)
Warrick: All right, look, I'm not doubting your findings. But when guys go at it they're not like gingerbread men, you know? They're, like, bobbing and weaving. It's like W.W.F. Smackdown. You know? All of these things could have changed what went down when Hastings and McCall tangled.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Anatomically speaking, it's open-and-shut. You guys are the ones to put perspective on it.
Warrick: No doubt. When Catherine gets here can you tell her I went over to evidence to check out the victim's t-shirt?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Mm-hmm.
(WARRICK heads out the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - COMPUTER LAB]
(SARA sits in front of the computer going file by file through the missing persons list. She hums softly to herself and continues to patiently go through the listing.)
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway and notices SARA in the room. He stops by the doorway and lingers.)
(He watches her for a moment, then steps inside the room.)
Grissom: Hey.
(SARA glances up at him, then continues to look through the listings.)
Sara: Any luck on 23rd street?
Grissom: I, uh, broke in my new shoes. That's about it. What'd the lab say?
Sara: The DNA from the ball cap is a match to the semen we found on our Jane Doe. But ... CODIS hasn't kicked out a name.
Grissom: So you're just ... looking at missing persons reports?
Sara: We're not having any luck finding the sh**t from his DNA with a belt loop so I thought I would at least try and identify the poor woman before she dies.
(GRISSOM takes a step forward and leans in close to SARA.)
Grissom: Sara. Do you have any diversions?
Sara: Do I what?
Grissom: You max out on overtime every month. You go home and listen to your police scanner.
(SARA turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You read forensic textbooks ...
Sara: Yeah.
(She turns back to the computer. GRISSOM sits down in the chair next to her.)
Grissom: Look, every day we meet people on the worst day of their lives. It's a lot to deal with. Everyone who's had any time on this job knows that you have to have a diversion in order to cope with what we see. What do you do for fun?
Sara: I chase rabbits. And ... I read crime books. And I listen to the scanner.
Grissom: You need something outside of law enforcement. Catherine has her kid, you know? I sometimes ... ride roller coasters.
(SARA again turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: What do you do?
(She turns back to the computer.)
Sara: Nothing.
Grissom: Okay. What do you like?
Sara: I don't like anything.
Grissom: You've got to find something to like. You can't get too close to the victims.
Sara: She's special ... to me. I can't help it.
Grissom: If you don't find something they'll all become special and you'll burn out.
(For the moment, SARA stops looking through the list. GRISSOM stands up and heads for the door. When he reaches the doorway, he turns around.)
Grissom: Sara.
Sara: Okay. I'm almost done. I just got to log off.
(GRISSOM nods and walks out. SARA turns back to the computer and continues searching through the listings.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK go back over the evidence. CATHERINE picks up the bloodied shirt.)
Catherine: Well, this is progress. The shirt confirms what the coroner said: That the sh*ts were fired back to front. Look at those entry holes.
Warrick: Yeah, but look at that g*n. Unburned g*n.
Catherine: Which happens when a g*n is fired less than three feet from a victim.
Warrick: Right.
Catherine: McCall says that they were standing five paces apart.
(CATHERINE looks at the file with LAURIEANE HASTINGS' statement.)
Catherine: Mrs. Hastings says the exact same thing. So we have two eyewitnesses on opposite sides of the case ... saying the same thing.
Warrick: In direct contradiction to our evidence.
Catherine: Well, the DA's on my beeper. Would you, uh, explain this to him because I can't.
Warrick: Yeah, right.
(CATHERINE heads for the door. WARRICK follows her.)
Warrick: Hey ... when's the last time you took target practice?
(He holds up the box. CATHERINE takes her gloves off.)
Catherine: Figures. I just had a manicure.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - f*ring RANGE]
(WARRICK and CATHERINE set up various shirt targets at measured distances apart.)
Warrick: Okay, so we're doing this reconstruction and the best way is to measure the distance between the victim and the assailant during the time of the altercation, right?
Catherine: Right.
(CATHERINE snaps the g*n chamber shut.)
Catherine: Using the same firearm and a*mo that McCall used in his backyard on Hastings.
Warrick: Right.
(CATHERINE puts on her gear and checks the g*n. WARRICK also puts on his head gear.)
(CATHERINE puts the g*n in the holder and fires it against the target shirt that reads "6 INCHES".)
(WARRICK moves the g*n placehold over to the next shirt with the note "1 FOOT". CATHERINE fires.)
(They move over to the next shirt target, "1 1/2 FEET". CATHERINE fires.)
(And finally, she sh**t into the shirt with the tag "2 FEET".)
(They take their head gear off and compare the shirt with the targets. WARRICK holds the bloodied shirt up to compare it with the target.)
Warrick: Circumference of the g*n is the same.
(Camera zooms in for a close up of the target's b*llet hole.)
Warrick: Looks like two feet for sh*t number one ...
(He moves the shirt over to the next target. Camera zooms in for a close up of the target's b*llet hole.)
Warrick: ...and one foot for sh*t number two.
Catherine: And according to Lauriane Hastings' statement he was running away. How can the second sh*t be closer than the first?
Warrick: It can't. It's not possible.
(Quick flashback to: The day of the sh**ting, from LAURIEANE HASTINGS' POV, CHUCKIE HASTINGS walks away from ROY MCCALL as he fires twice. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: We just disproved their statement.
CATHERINE And then we've got McCall's statement.
(Quick flashback to: The day of the sh**ting, from ROY MCCALL'S POV, he pushes CHUCKIE HASTINGS away from him after being s*ab with the screwdriver. He reaches for the g*n as HASTINGS comes toward him. He fires.)
Catherine: Can't happen when someone's facing you.
(WARRICK sighs.)
Warrick: The truth is somewhere in the middle. How long do we have till the prelim?
Catherine: I think I know how we can figure this out. I saw this thing in my forensics catalog.
Warrick: What kind of "thing"?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY-- DAY]
Nick: Now you want to use the dogs to track down the Jane Doe sh**t?
(NICK and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.)
Grissom: K-9 unit's going to meet us there.
Nick: Yeah, but I spoke to Brass. He said we can't get a warrant on anything we need from the suspect's house-- g*n, jeans, nothing.
Grissom: That's if we find him inside his house. In which case, we'll figure out another way to get a warrant.
Nick: You're rushing this for Sara.
Grissom: My priority is the case, Nick. Release the hounds.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY]
(Meanwhile, back in the computer room, SARA continues to go through the missing persons listings. With her eyes glued on to the monitor, she opens a pack of sugar with her teeth and pours it into her coffee cup - just one of many on the table beside her. She stirs the coffee.)
(She picks up her cup and sighs.)
(The monitor scrolls through a couple of listings. Then she stops on something familiar. It reads:
MISING PERSON
Pamela Adler: 26 YEAR OLD BLACK FEMALE, MISSING SINCE 1730 TUESDAY. WEARING
LAVENDER BUSINESS SUIT. REPORTED MISSING
BY THOMAS ADLER, HUSBAND. LAST
SEEN AT LAS VEGAS SHOPPING
CAR 1992 ACURA LEGEND. LA
360-RYD.
(SARA reads the report and stops.)
Sara: You were shopping.
(She pauses and reads the name. Finally.)
Sara: Pamela ... (sighs) ... Pamela Adler.
CUT TO:
[EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD -- DAY]
(The OFFICER leads the dog over to the back of the car where GRISSOM and NICK are. GRISSOM opens the cooler with the scent pack inside.)
Officer: Here we go. Come on.
(GRISSOM opens the bag and takes out the container.)
Grissom: Hey, lady. You ready for a scent pad?
(GRISSOM takes out the pad and lets the two dogs smell it.)
Grissom: Breathe deep. Girls.
(They bark and head off.)
Officer: Here we go!
(The OFFICERS run along side the dogs. NICK watches them run.)
Nick: Whoa! (to GRISSOM) Are we supposed to be able to keep up with those guys?
(GRISSOM looks at NICK and motions after the dogs.)
Grissom: Yeah!
(NICK takes off after them. GRISSOM stands behind him with a smile on his face and slowly shakes his head. He laughs as he watches NICK run to catch up to the dogs.)
(He turns back to the car.)
(Cut to: The dogs track the scent along the sidewalk.)
(Various cuts of the dogs tracking the scent.)
Officer: Here we go. OFFICER: Come on. OFFICER: Come on. Good girl.
(GRISSOM and NICK walk behind the dogs, watching them.)
(The dogs start barking, then run along the street toward a particular house.)
(The dogs run up the driveway toward a young man playing basketball out in front.)
Tony Thorpe: Hey, hey, yo, yo. Back off, snoop. What'd you raggedy mutts want with me anyway?
(NICK runs up the driveway after the dogs.)
Tony Thorpe: Hey, you two, don't be hassling me.
(NICK takes off his glasses when he sees it.)
(Camera zooms in for a close up of the missing belt loop on the boy's jeans.)
(GRISSOM catches up.)
Nick: Guy's wearing the evidence in plain sight. We just got lucky.
Shandra Thorpe: Tony!
(The front door slams and a woman walks out of the house.)
Shandra Thorpe: What are you doing?! (to the OFFICERS) You got a problem?
Grissom: Ma'am, is-is this your son?
Shandra Thorpe: Yes.
Grissom: Well, we're going to have to talk to him for a minute.
Shandra Thorpe: You police -- coming here with your att*ck dogs.
Grissom: Actually, they're scent dogs, and I'm not a police officer. I'm a Forensic Scientist with the Las Vegas Police Department.
Shandra Thorpe: What do I got to say to a scientist?
Grissom: (shrugs) You could say "hello."
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(CATHERINE stands over by the counter going through the files. WARRICK stands in front of a dummy marking the holes with a pen.)
Warrick: This dummy cost over $500?
Catherine: Oh, yeah. He's worth it.
(CATHERINE picks up the second stick and walks toward the dummy.)
Warrick: Why?
Catherine: Well, look at him. He's lifelike, he doesn't talk, and he's self-
healing.
Warrick: He's "self-healing"?
Catherine: Yeah. We make a mistake in our calculations we just start over.
(CATHERINE puts the first stick into the dummy.)
Warrick: Cool. Um, the wound track is off. Do it two centimeters higher.
Catherine: All right. How's that?
Warrick: Good.
Catherine: All right.
(She gets the second stick and marks the second sh*t.)
Warrick: Now, the second sh*t was fired like so. Now, the coroner says that Hastings was sh*t just like this, from back to front and Hastings' wife says the same thing -- that her husband was running away.
Catherine: And McCcall says that Hastings was facing him sh*t him in self-defense and he's got the wound ... to prove it.
(She moves the right arm into position.)
Warrick: Just like I said before, guys don't go at it and fight like gingerbread men, you know?
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Warrick: Check it out.
(Thinking about the case, WARRICK moves CATHERINE away from behind the dummy and takes her place there. CATHERINE steps aside.)
Warrick: What if, um ... he was lunged ...
(WARRICK bends the body over at the waist. CATHERINE sees her opportunity and quietly grabs the camera.)
Warrick: ...just kind of like this?
(CATHERINE snaps a photo. WARRICK turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Warrick: Oh, you are wrong!
(Laughing, CATHERINE takes the photo and waves it in front of him. She looks over at the dummy and her face freezes. She sees it.)
Catherine: Warrick ... ?
(WARRICK turns around to look at the dummy. He sees it, too.)
Catherine: I think maybe they were both telling the truth.
Warrick: Yeah. I'm calling the DA.
(He turns and grabs the photo from CATHERINE as he walks out of the garage.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(Through the observation room glass, SARA watches BRASS and GRISSOM interview TONY THORPE with his mother, SHANDRA there.)
Brass: So, Tony, where were you two nights ago?
Tony Thorpe: I was nowhere special. I was just hanging.
Sara: (to NICK) Grissom told you to keep me out, didn't he?
(SARA turns to look at NICK who is standing beside her.)
Nick: (nods) Yeah.
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
Grissom: Were you wearing those pants the other night?
Tony Thorpe: Oh, these jeans? What's it to you?
Grissom: They're missing a belt loop.
(TONY looks down at his jeans.)
Grissom: I find that interesting.
Brass: You mind if we look at those? We got some scrubs for you to wear.
(BRASS throws some clothes on the table in front of TONY. SHANDRA pushes the scrubs back toward BRASS.)
Shandra Thorpe: I know the law. He doesn't have to do anything unless a judge says to.
Brass: That's why we're asking Tony to volunteer ... with your permission ...
(BRASS throws the scrubs back toward TONY.)
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(Through the room glass, SARA watches as TONY casually stands up.)
Tony Thorpe: Chill, moms.
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
(He takes off his jeans.)
Tony Thorpe: (smugly) I got nothing to hide. It's no big thing. Cop said lady isn't even d*ad.
(And throws them on the table in front of GRISSOM.)
Grissom: That's true, she isn't ... but if she dies within a year and a day of the sh**ting ... then it's m*rder.
Shaunda Thorpe: Is this some kind of a trick?
Brass: No, ma'am, it's the law. We're working this case as a m*rder.
Tony Thorpe: At least for the next year and a day and even then, I'm still a juvie.
Grissom: Well, then I guess the law is on your side, Tony, isn't it? For now.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(EDDIE WILLOWS sits in the chair in the hallway making faces with LINDSEY as she giggles and laughs.)
(CATHERINE and WARRICK walk into the hallway.)
Eddie Willows: Hi, Catherine. Somebody wanted to see you.
Catherine: Hey, baby.
Lindsey Willows: Hi, mommy.
(CATHERINE kneels down and they hug.)
Lindsey Willows: (excited) Daddy's taking me to dinner tonight.
Catherine: He is?
Eddie Willows: Main room at the Orpheus.
Lindsey Willows: They have lions and tigers at the restaurant and daddy said I can go to a show after.
Catherine Willows: Well, uh ... you know, honey, it's a school night so I need to discuss that with daddy first.
Lindsey Willows: Come on, mom. It's just this one night.
(CATHERINE smiles at LINDSEY and stands up.)
Catherine: Ed ...
(WARRICK leans over to look at LINDSEY.)
Warrick: Hey, Lindsey, I got some games on my computer. You want to see?
Lindsey Willows: Sure.
Warrick: Let's play one.
(WARRICK takes LINDSEY out of the hallway.)
Catherine: (to LINDSEY) Uh, I'll see you in a bit, honey.
(EDDIE stands up.)
Catherine: (to EDDIE) You set me up. Again.
Eddie Willows: How, by taking out daughter to dinner?
Catherine: Get over here.
(CATHERINE leads EDDIE into the next hallway to continue to conversation.)
Eddie Willows: Oh, come on now! What?!
Catherine: You are so pathetic.
Eddie Willows: What?! What?!
Catherine: Just so pathetic.
Eddie Willows: Watch it, Cath.
Catherine: Sucking up to our daughter 'cause I caught you robbing me.
Eddie Willows: The only thing I ever robbed you of was good sex.
(EDDIE takes a step closer to CATHERINE. She scoffs at him.)
Catherine: No sex is worth you, and you are not taking my daughter to a club with one of your music whores.
Eddie Willows: Oh, they're whores? When I met you, you were taking your clothes off in a strip club.
Catherine: It was a job, Ed and it supported you, just like every job I've had including this one!
(In the hallway, GRISSOM turns the corner and sees them. He watches them.)
Eddie Willows: Yeah? And who paid to close up your nose?
Catherine: You're such a bast...!
(CATHERINE steps up and swings. EDDIE grabs her hand. She struggles.)
Catherine: Let go of me.
(He grabs her other hand and has CATHERINE up against the glass wall.)
Eddie Willows: What?!
(GRISSOM heads for them.)
Eddie Willows: (mutters) I'll let go of you when I'm damn good and ...
Grissom: Let go of her, Ed!
(GRISSOM grabs EDDIE'S arm and pushes him off of CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Catherine?
Catherine: (upset) Just get him out of here.
(CATHERINE walks away.)
Grissom: I don't want to ever see you in this building again. This is our place of business. You understand that?
Eddie Willows: I always knew you two had a thing.
Grissom: Go home, Eddie.
Eddie Willows: Sure.
(EDDIE walks out of the hallway. GRISSOM turns to watch him go. Then he turns to look back in the other direction.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA and NICK work in the lab. SARA sings quietly to herself.)
Sara: (singing softly) One way or another / I'm going to see you / ( hums ) / one day, maybe next week / I'm going to meet you, meet you / I will ...
(NICK stops working on the jeans to look up and listen to SARA.)
Nick: Hey, Sara, did anyone ever tell you, you have a pretty good singing voice?
Sara: (retorts) If you like chalk on a board.
Nick: Come on. I've heard you around here. People never tell you that?
(SARA turns around and looks at NICK.)
Sara: It's a-a habit. I don't even realize I'm doing it. Did you get that belt loop from the crime scene lined up yet?
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. Take a look.
(NICK steps aside to let SARA look through the magnifying glass. She matches the loop with the jeans. Camera zooms in for a close up.)
Sara: Fits like a glove.
Nick: Okay, let's go tell the boss.
(SARA moves back to her table.)
Sara: You go. I have something to do first.
Nick: (worried) Hey, if you go near that Thorpe kid...
(SARA turns around to look at NICK.)
Sara: Excuse me?
(NICK doesn't back down. He's still concerned.)
Nick: I'm just saying ...
Sara: (appreciative) It's something else. Promise.
(SARA gathers her things and leaves the room. NICK watches her leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK report their findings to D.A. SAM GENTRY. He reads the report.)
D.A. Sam Gentry: Wait a minute. Hastings was facing McCall, and McCall sh*t him in the back? You can't have it both ways, guys. A judge will laugh me out of court.
(CATHERINE steps forward and stands behind the dummy.)
Catherine: Well ... bear with us.
(WARRICK steps forward to help CATHERINE illustrate what they've learned about the sh**ting.)
Warrick: All right. I'm McCall. I have a g*n.
Catherine: I'm Hastings. I s*ab McCall in the right arm.
(CATHERINE grabs the dummy's arm and moves it.)
(Quick flashback to: The day of the sh**ting, CHUCKIE HASTINGS swings the screwdriver and s*ab ROY MCCALL in the arm.)
(Cut to: ROY MCCALL pushes HASTINGS off of him. HASTINGS falls backward to the ground.)
Warrick: (V.O.) I push him back off.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: And Hastings charges again. This time he lunges at his midsection.
(CATHERINE bends the dummy over to illustrate.)
(Quick flashback to: HASTINGS charges MCCALL, butting his head into MCCALL'S stomach, pushing him back. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(WARRICK lifts his hands as if he's holding a g*n and points it downward.)
Warrick: I sh**t.
(Quick flashback to: MCCALL fires the first sh*t. HASTINGS goes down. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(D.A. SAM GENTRY takes a step forward.)
Catherine: He sh**t from two feet according to our firearms range test and the unburned powder on the victim's clothes.
Warrick: And the b*llet enters through the back even though we are facing each other and exits ... out the front.
Catherine: The first sh*t is fired in self-defense. But then McCall sh**t Hastings a second time. Now that sh*t ...
(WARRICK illustrates by bringing his fingers downward toward the dummy.)
Warrick: Boom.
Catherine: ... Was not in self-defense.
(Quick flashback to: HASTINGS is down on his knees and clutching his stomach. He's breathing hard. MCCALL fires a second time. HASTINGS falls to the ground.)
(Cut to: MCCALL looks up and around. LAURIEANE HASTINGS walks out of the house and sees CHUCKIE on the ground. She starts screaming.)
Laurieane Hastings: No!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Chalk it up to adrenaline or revenge, but Hastings was already going down. There was no reason to sh**t him a second time.
D.A. Sam Gentry: I've got to say, I'm impressed. You two just put on quite a show. Think you can do it again at trial?
Warrick: That's our job.
Catherine: We'll see you in court, Sam.
(The D.A. walks out of the garage.)
Warrick: Hey, how's Linds?
Catherine: Um, well, uh, she's with my sister. Hey, thanks for helping me out there.
Warrick: Right.
Catherine: I appreciate it. I ...
Warrick: Catherine, you've got to get that divorce finalized, huh?
(CATHERINE doesn't say anything. WARRICK picks up the dummy and leaves the garage.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY]
(SARA walks into PAMELA ADLER'S room. She walks up to the bed, looking at PAM and sits down. She doesn't notice the man sitting in the chair in the darkened corner.)
Sara: We caught him. If you hadn't pulled that belt loop we might never have found him, but ... you did good.
(The man in the chair leans forward into the light.)
Thomas Adler: You must be Sara.
(SARA turns around.)
Thomas Adler: The CSI who called me?
(They stand up and shake hands.)
Sara: Hi.
Thomas Adler: I'm Tom. Uh ... Pam's husband. Thanks, uh, for all you've done.
Sara: Sure. Oh, I wanted to give you this. I've been keeping it ... for Jane -- Pam, uh, until I found her family.
(SARA gives THOMAS the medallion.)
Thomas Adler: Thanks.
(He looks over at PAM.)
Sara: How are you doing?
Thomas Adler: Okay, uh ... good. The doctor says Pammie's condition is s*ab. He was in an hour ago. He expects her to live. (SARA nods.) Says she's not going to die.
Sara: (her smile freezes) That's great. That's-that's great. She's a real fighter, huh?
Thomas Adler: Well, we're moving her to Haven View Center later this week. Do-do you know that facility?
Sara: Yeah, I do ... know people who've gone there. They'll take real good care of her.
Thomas Adler: Yeah. That's what the doctor said.
(THOMAS wipes a tear away from his eye and sniffles.)
Sara: I got to go.
(SARA turns and heads for the door.)
Thomas Adler: Well, um, uh ... come see us sometime.
Sara: Definitely. Haven View. I'll be there. (he nods) Good luck.
(SARA opens the door.)
Thomas Adler: Good luck to you.
(She leaves the room. The door shuts behind her. THOMAS turns back to look at PAM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(SARA walks out of the room and into the hallway. About mid-way through, she stops.)
(After a moment, with tears in her eyes, she continues walking through the hallway and out of camera frame.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(SARA sits in GRISSOM'S office across the desk from him. She's quiet. He listens intently to her.)
Sara: The husband doesn't get it.
(She shakes her head and brushes a tear from her eye.)
Sara: He's so happy she's going to live. He doesn't realize she's going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of her life. (her voice breaks) And that kid Thorpe ... is going to be out of juvie in 48 months. (whispers) It's not fair.
(She wipes her eyes.)
(GRISSOM takes a breath.)
Grissom: It's the system.
Sara: What kind of system rewards the suspect when the victim is too tough to die?
(GRISSOM has no answer for her. SARA gets up from the chair, turns and heads for the door. GRISSOM stops her.)
Grissom: Sara ... you got to learn to let this go or you're going to spend all your time in hospitals trying to help the people you couldn't save.
Sara: I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything.
(SARA turns and leaves the office. The door closes behind her.)
(GRISSOM turns away from the door and takes a deep breath.)
Grissom: (exhales) Oh.
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x16 - Too Tough to Die"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY]
FLASH TO:
[EXT. THE CRACKED KILN - PARKING LOT - DAY]
(The SUV turns into the parking lot and parks.)
(MARC and ANN, each carrying a cup of coffee walk up to the front door. MARC tries to unlock the door but drops the keys. ANN hands him her cup of coffee.)
Ann: Oh ... honey, here. Take this.
(ANN kneels down to pick up the key and unlocks the door. They walk inside and find the place a mess. Cracked pottery is on the floor.)
Marc: Not again.
Ann: We are buying that alarm system.
Marc: No argument from me.
(They make their way to the back to check the register.)
Ann: I'm serious. They got the cash. Why did they have to be such a mess?
(ANN looks around. MARC looks behind the counter and sees something.)
Marc: Oh, my god...
Ann: What? What's wrong?
Marc: Call 911.
(On the floor is a d*ad body with blood on the floor near his head.)
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. THE CRACKED KILN - DAY]
(NICK drives the SUV into the parking lot. He, CATHERINE and GRISSOM get out of the car and make their way into the store.)
(They gingerly walk over the cracked pottery on the floor and walk over toward the back where the body is.)
Grissom: Introductions?
Brass: Joseph Felton, 44. Not an employee; no reason to be here.
Grissom: Mind if he and I have a moment together?
Brass: No.
(GRISSOM steps forward toward the body. He kneels down to look it over.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE dusts the cash register.)
(Cut to: NICK snaps a photo of the back door. He turns around and snaps another photo.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE dusts the garden gnomes on the shelf.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM looks down at the body, then picks up his sketch pad and pen. He stands up.)
(Cut to: NICK snaps a photo of the safe.)
Brass: Burn marks?
Nick: Unusual way to penetrate a safe.
(NICK snaps another photo.)
Brass: Hmm ...
Nick: (looks up at BRASS) How much was taken?
Brass: Three hundred and something, small bills.
Grissom: (o.s.) Multiple contusions to the back of the skull. Might've been taken by surprise.
Catherine: Robbery interruptus?
Grissom: Yeah, I think our robbery suspect is a homicide victim.
Catherine: One way to b*at the rap.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the findings with CATHERINE and NICK.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: This is an easy one. The guy from the pottery store has got three hits to the head. Trauma to the brain stem was fatal. Death was instantaneous.
Catherine: Can you tell us anything about the m*rder w*apon?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Nothing definite. But I swabbed the points of impact. Slide's under the microscope.
(He nods toward the scope. NICK heads over to check it out.)
[SCOPE VIEW of the swab]
Nick: Yellow looks like transfer from the m*rder w*apon but what's with the glitter?
(NICK looks up and back at DR. ROBBINS.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Unidentified mineral. I sent a sample to trace for analysis.
Catherine: Hey, Doc, you have a comb?
(DR. ROBBINS looks up at CATHERINE. NICK also looks at her.)
Nick: Your hair looks great, Cath.
Catherine: Gee, thanks, Nick.
(DR. ROBBINS hands CATHERINE a comb. She steps forward with a piece of paper.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Guy's still dirty. They don't get a bath till evidence is collected.
Catherine: That's what I'm doing although I don't think this is dirt.
(CATHERINE takes a sample of the stuff in the body's hair.)
Catherine: He's covered in spores.
(She takes out a magnifying glass to look at the spores under it.)
Catherine: I think these are from a fern.
Nick: Well, the back entrance was overgrown with them.
(Quick flashback to: JOSEPH FELTON walking up to the back door through the ferns. The top leaves of the fern brush the top of his head. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: A fern plant deposits billions of spores in its lifetime. Most are just dust in the wind. In our case they're evidence. As good as fingerprints or fibers in placing a suspect at a crime scene.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE walks up to GRISSOM who is in the print lab sitting behind the computer.)
Catherine: Hey, you forget about the coroner?
Grissom: Melissa Marlowe.
Catherine: Excuse me?
(GRISSOM looks up at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: You lifted 38 prints from the pottery store. I scanned them through AFIS. One came back. Melissa Marlowe.
(GRISSOM points to the prints on the monitor.)
Catherine: Why do I know that name?
Grissom: Kidnapping - Colorado -- 21 years ago ... the little girl.
Catherine: Oh, that Melissa Marlowe. Wasn't she presumed d*ad?
Grissom: Well, not anymore on the left is Melissa Marlowe's print, age four -- preschool fingerprinting initiative. On the right is a print that you lifted from the crime scene.
Catherine: I don't see a match.
Grissom: Neither did I but since fingerprints are set for life during the fourth month of fetal development I looked beyond the size differential.
(GRISSOM hits a key on the keyboard. The computer beeps and three red dots appear on the blue print on the left. The same three reference dots appear on the yellow print on the right.)
Grissom: Now, both prints are ulnar loops. Bifurcation, recurve and ridge endings are identical.
(GRISSOM puts the blue print over the yellow print.)
Grissom: I've aligned the prints along the delta.
(The two prints match up exactly. The computer reads: FORENSIC RIDGE ANALYSIS MATCH: 100%.)
Catherine: You've got a perfect match. Wait. Is she a suspect in the homicide?
Grissom: No. Her print wasn't fresh. There was dust on it. Has to be a few weeks old. I think we have two separate cases. So I'm going to take the new lead in the old kidnapping case.
Catherine: And Nick and I will cover the homicide.
(GRISSOM nods.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. WINSTON RESIDENCE - DAY]
[INT. WINSTON RESIDENCE -- SEVEN HILLS - MIDDLE CLASS HOME - DAY]
(A camera flashes. A picture is taken of the remains of a b*rned out chair.)
Sara: Nadine Winston falls asleep in that chair and incinerates. We can make history.
(SARA and WARRICK stand looking at the hole in the b*rned chair's upholstery.)
Warrick: Oh, come on, now. Don't tell me you believe in that bs.
(SARA reaches for the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table.)
Sara: No. Of course not. I'm a scientist. I just ...
(SARA looks from the cigarettes back to the chair.)
Sara: She has been reduced to ashes.
(Quick flashback to: NADINE WINSTON burning in the chair.)
Warrick: (V.O.) Come on, Sara.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Spontaneous human combustion is science fiction.
Sara: I know.
Warrick: There's no such thing as a human torch.
Sara: What if it is real, and we've uncovered it?
Warrick: Sara, this is a crime scene. Stay with me here, okay? Don't lose it.
Sara: I'm not. I'm just open to all theories.
Warrick: What's that?
Sara: Looks like cotton fiber ... possibly from a nightgown. It's barely scorched. Weird. It's like the body b*rned, but ... the clothing was f*re ret*rd.
(Some ash falls on WARRICK. He brushes it aside and looks up to see where it's coming from.)
Warrick: Wow. Check that out.
(In the ceiling, there's a hole b*rned directly above the chair. SARA stands up and looks at the hole in the ceiling.)
Sara: f*re practically b*rned a hole in the roof but it's isolated in one spot.
Warrick: It's as if the f*re created a chimney for itself.
Sara: The victim -- she live alone?
Officer Arvington: Husband's already at the station.
(WARRICK raises the camera and takes a picture of the hole in the ceiling.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(SGT. O'RILEY interviews LARRY WINSTON.)
Larry Winston: I am telling you, I have no idea what happened to my wife.
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(WARRICK and SARA watch the interview.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Were you having marital problems?
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
Larry Winston: No. We were like newlyweds.
Sgt. O'Riley: If I understand you correctly you went to bed. Nadine fell asleep in the easy chair. Ten hours later, you woke up, walked into the living room and she was a pile of ash.
(SARA looks at WARRICK.)
Sara: A human torch.
Warrick: (retorts) Yeah, right.
Sgt. O'Riley: You say you were like newlyweds?
Larry Winston: Yeah.
Sgt. O'Riley: But the two of you weren't sleeping in the same bed.
Warrick: Good question.
Larry Winston: She snored. It was a problem, but ... A small one.
Sgt. O'Riley: Mr. Winston ... do you know how to use a blowtorch?
Warrick: Another good question.
Larry Winston: (angry) Look, I came down to this station on my own. If I can be helpful, let me know!
(He takes the visitor pass on his jacket off and slams it on the table in front of O'RILEY. He stands up and storms out of the interview room.)
Warrick: So do you still think it's spontaneous combustion?
Sara: Theories give way to conclusions once all the evidence is in. I am merely thinking about the next piece of evidence.
Warrick: (not buying it) Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(BRASS walks into the lab. NICK is going through some old case files.)
Brass: Yeah. Hey, Nicky, you paged me?
Nick: Yeah. Yeah, Jim, hi. I took these photos at the crime scene.
(NICK puts a stack of photos down on the table in front of BRASS.)
Nick: Safe was cracked with a plasma lance.
BRASS Okay, I'll bite.
Nick: It's a high-powered electric blaster. It could cut through that hard plate with extreme precision. It's not common, but effective.
Brass: Yeah.
Nick: Crime scene photo from a robbery case in '99.
(NICK puts another photo on the table in front of BRASS from a different crime scene.)
Nick: Joseph Felton our d*ad guy, was arrested but granted immunity in exchange for his testimony against his partner, Darin Hanson who used a plasma lance to crack that safe. Darin Hanson ...
(NICK hands BRASS the photo of DARIN HANSON.)
Nick: ... was released from prison last month. His last known address -Vegas.
Brass: I see where you're going. So Hanson gets out of jail, hooks up with our d*ad guy.
Nick: Yeah, they hook it up.
(Quick flashback to: DARIN HANSON and JOSEPH FELTON break into the back of THE CRACKED KILN.)
Nick: (V.O.) ... break through the rear entrance of the pottery store.
(Cut to: They get the door open. Flash to: HANSON uses the plasma lance to cut through the safe.)
Nick: (V.O.) Hanson lances the safe ...
(Cut to: The safe is opened and HANSON allows FELTON to get the cash box inside.)
Nick: (V.O.) Once the safe is cracked, Hanson steps back allowing Felton to collect the cash.
(Cut to: FELTON takes the cash box and opens it. HANSON grabs something and knocks him on the back of the head with it. FELTON falls to the floor. d*ad.)
Nick: (V.O.) With Felton's attention diverted Hanson seizes the moment ... kills him.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: Revenge for testifying against him and putting him in prison.
Brass: That's not bad. Any chance you guys found the m*rder w*apon?
Nick: No, no ... but I think we know who to ask.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
(BRASS, NICK and CATHERINE interview DARIN HANSON)
Darin Hanson: I haven't seen Joseph Felton since the trial two years ago.
Nick: So it's a coincidence that he was k*lled shortly after you were released from prison.
Darin Hanson: Yeah. Guy put me in jail. I had no reason to see him again.
Catherine: He put you in the "gray bar"? Sounds like motive to me.
Brass: Darin ... you and Felton, you go back, huh?
Darin Hanson: Mm-hmm. Knew the guy fifteen years. My folks lived across the street from him. We'd barbecue together with his wife and daughter.
Catherine: He must have really pissed you off when he turned on you.
Nick: The transcript from your trial says that you used a plasma lance in that
'99 burglary, and there it is again, Darin.
Darin Hanson: Joe was the lance guy. He taught me how to break into safes. That's why the M.O.'S the same.
Brass: Where were you this morning early A.M.?
Darin Hanson: I was in Barstow all week. Just got back this afternoon.
(DARIN looks at NICK who stares at him doubtfully. He sighs and pulls out his wallet.)
Darin Hanson: Okay ... here you go ... receipts from the trip. Go ahead.
(CATHERINE looks at the receipts. She hands them to BRASS.)
Catherine: Looks authentic. Cactus Pine Cafe, Barstow, noon today.
(BRASS looks at DARIN HANSON, then turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Brass: We can't hold him.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CONFERENCE ROOM]
(GRISSOM talks with HANK and MRS. MARLOWE as he looks through photographs of MELISSA MARLOWE as a child.)
Mrs. Marlowe: 21 years ago, the chief of police sat in our living room told us our daughter was d*ad.
Hank Marlowe: After all this time, she's in Vegas? That's a hundred miles from our home.
Grissom: Well, we still don't know where she is. Her prints in the pottery store tell us that she was here possibly a few weeks ago, but Vegas is a tourist town.
Hank Marlowe: But you know she's alive.
Grissom: I'm still not sure we can find her.
Mrs. Marlowe: She's our only child. We never gave up hope. We're not giving up now.
Teri Miller: (o.s.) Excuse me.
(GRISSOM looks up and sees TERI MILLER at the door.)
Grissom: Teri ... come in.
Teri Miller: Hi.
(GRISSOM stands and makes the introductions.)
Grissom: Teri Miller, Mr. and Mrs. Marlowe.
Teri Miller: Hello.
Mrs. Marlowe: Hi.
Grissom: Teri is a forensic artist. I called her to help us.
Teri Miller: Did you bring the photographs of Melissa?
Mrs. Marlowe: Yes, but I don't see how they can help. In some of those, she's just an infant.
Teri Miller: It doesn't matter. Do you remember her eyes?
Mrs. Marlowe: I could never forget.
Teri Miller: As we age, our eyes don't change. That's where we'll start.
Grissom: Using computer software Teri can age Melissa's picture so that we can determine what she looks like today at age 25. Then we send it off to every law enforcement agency in the state.
Hank Marlowe: It's been so long. Tell us the truth. What are our chances?
Grissom: Well, 21 years ago, they told you that your daughter was d*ad. Now we're moving in the right direction.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - MORGUE]
(CATHERINE leads TAMMY FELTON into the morgue to ID JOSEPH FELTON'S body.)
Tammy Felton: Where did you find him?
Catherine: At a pottery store on Stansberry Street. Tammy, we've already I.D.'D your father. If you don't want to see him, I'd understand.
Tammy Felton: No. I want to say good-bye.
Catherine: Well, don't be surprised by some swelling and discoloration.
(CATHERINE opens the unit and takes out the table with JOSEPH FELTON'S body on it. TAMMY stares at the body and starts to cry.)
Catherine: You have any other family?
Tammy Felton: No.
Catherine: I can put you in touch with a counselor if you need to talk.
Tammy Felton: No, thank you.
(TAMMY turns away and steps aside.)
Catherine: Is there anything you need?
(CATHERINE puts the body back and closes the door. She turns to look at TAMMY and notices the spores on her jacket lapel.)
Catherine: Tammy ... were you at the pottery store with your father?
Tammy Felton: What are you talking about?
(CATHERINE picks up a magnifying glass to look at the spores.)
Catherine: There's some plant spores on your sweater. We found them on your father, too, and matched them to some ferns behind the pottery store.
Tammy Felton: I don't understand.
(CATHERINE takes a tape to lift the spores off of the jacket.)
Tammy Felton: What are you doing?
Catherine: I'm taking these spores into evidence. They place you at the crime scene. Is there anything you want to tell me?
Tammy Felton: Okay, I was there.
(Quick flashback to: At the Cracked Kiln's back door, JOSEPH FELTON tries to unlock it. TAMMY FELTON walks up to him, the tall ferns brushing her as she walks by. She stops in front of her father.)
Tammy Felton: Dad! Dad, don't do this. I'll get a job. We don't need the money. Not like this.
Joseph Felton: Tammy, go home.
(Flash to: As she leaves, the ferns brush her jacket lapel.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Tammy Felton: And I don't know what happened after that.
Catherine: Why didn't you just tell me that?
Tammy Felton: I wanted to preserve the good memories not remember my dad as a thief. (she starts crying) I didn't k*ll him. I loved him. I need a release from your office ... so I can bury my father.
(TAMMY walks past CATHERINE and out the door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORESNIC AUTOPSY]
(DAVID PHILLIPS explains the foot to WARRICK and SARA.)
Warrick: Okay, tell me everything you can about this foot.
David Phillips: Where's the rest of the body?
Sara: Incinerated. Lab results from the ashes came back negative for accelerant. Nothing flammable but sebaceous glutamate.
David Phillips: Human fat. Well ... I can tell you that the malleolus -- the ankle bone -- is completely hollowed out.
(Quick CGI POV to: The camera swings upward to the ankle part of the foot, then downward to show that the foot is hollow.)
David Phillips: (V.O.) Bone marrow was reduced to ash.
(End of CGI POV.)
David Phillips: Which means that the foot was b*rned off the body, not severed. That's consistent with your theory of spontaneous combustion.
Warrick: How do you know about Sara's theory?
David Phillips: Word gets around.
Warrick: No. You're just siding with Sara 'cause you got a crush on her.
David Phillips: (smiling) No, that's why I wore a clean coat. I'm just reporting my observations. If the foot had been severed, the marrow would still be intact.
Warrick: So your official "observation" is spontaneous combustion?
David Phillips: Not yet. I want to send a scraping down to toxicology.
(DAVID turns to get the around the table, but SARA'S in his way.)
David Phillips: Excuse me.
(SARA smiles and moves. She also turns and smiles at WARRICK.)
David Phillips: I want to check for any flammable compounds in the blood. Don't expect much.
(DAVID takes a sample and puts it on a slide.)
David Phillips: The quality of the sample may have been compromised by the heat.
Sara: I'm going to go talk to Grissom -- see what he thinks.
Warrick: No, no. We're a team. The only place we're going is back down to that crime scene.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(TERI sits in front of the computer working on the aging composite while GRISSOM stands behind her watching over her shoulder.)
Teri Miller: Okay, software's loaded.
Grissom: It's preprogrammed with developmental averages?
Teri Miller: Exactly. Aging is about predictable craniofacial growth. Faces grow down and out. So the first step is to stretch the bottom half of the face.
(TERI adjusts the bottom half of the face.)
Teri Miller: You try.
(TERI looks up at GRISSOM who looks back down at her.)
Teri Miller: (urging) Go ahead.
(GRISSOM adjusts the bottom half of the face and puts the line too low. The faces adjusts abnormally. They laugh.)
Grissom: No, no. Maybe you should drive.
Teri Miller: Good idea. Here we go. So, at age four, the bridge of the nose is taking shape and the interorbital distance is established. And baby teeth are visible.
(She makes the adjustment. GRISSOM leans in to whisper to her.)
Grissom: I have a question.
Teri Miller: Okay.
Grissom: Since I screwed up our last date, will we ever have dinner again?
Teri Miller: (smiles) Oh, we'll have dinner ... just not together. So the ears are low and large in proportion to the head.
(She adjusts the photo.)
Grissom: You know, I did apologize.
Teri Miller: And you're forgiven.
(GRISSOM straightens to watch from behind TERI.)
Teri Miller: So over the next ten years, the face elongates the skin thickens, the hair pattern is set and the small deciduous teeth are replaced by the secondary dentition.
(She makes the final adjustment to the photo.)
Teri Miller: Once the face is aged I look to the mother to fill in the blanks.
(The screen splits into two. The picture of MELISSA moves to the left and a second picture of MRS. MARLOWE appears on the right.)
Grissom: Is that Mrs. Marlowe?
Teri Miller: Uh-huh. Most daughters at age 25 age quite similar to their mothers.
(TERI uses the mouse to cut and copy the forehead and chin portion from the mother to the daughter.)
Teri Miller: A network of grids allows me to fine-tune the tiniest facial characteristics one section at a time. I'm just softening a few edges, growing the hair ... and we're done.
(TERI makes the adjustments.)
Grissom: Wow. Hello, Melissa.
(CATHERINE walks in to the doorway.)
Catherine: Am I interrupting?
Teri Miller: Not at all. You're just in time.
Grissom: Catherine, say hello to Melissa Marlowe.
(GRISSOM turns the monitor toward CATHERINE. She looks at the photo composite and her eyes widen.)
Catherine: Oh, my god.
Grissom: What?
Catherine: That's Tammy Felton and we've already met.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM'S surprised look.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM, CATHERINE and NICK walk down the hallway as they fill each other in.)
Nick: Tammy Felton's our m*rder suspect?
Catherine: She was kidnapped 21 years ago and may have k*lled the man who raised her -- possibly the same man who kidnapped her.
Nick: Whoa, wait. I thought her prints from the crime scene -- they weren't fresh.
Grissom: Yeah, well, she could've cased the place weeks ago and then remembered to wear gloves on the big night.
Catherine: Hey, Nick. So what's the word on the m*rder w*apon?
Nick: Well, the swab from the head wound's at trace.
Grissom: And?
Nick: I'm on it.
(NICK leaves as GRISSOM turns to CATHERINE.)
Grissom: You and I have an appointment with our shrink.
CUT TO:
[INT. DR. KANE'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE sit behind DR. PHILLIP KANE'S desk. DR. KANE fiddles with a baseball bat. He holds it out to GRISSOM to help him.)
Dr. Phillip Kane: Here. You twirl, I'll talk.
(GRISSOM stands up as he holds the bat so that DR. KANE can tape up the handle.)
Dr. Phillip Kane: My son has little league in an hour. He's scared of the ball.
Grissom: You think this new bat's going to do the trick?
(DR. KANE chuckles.)
Catherine: Why don't you just talk with him?
(DR. KANE silently chuckles at the thought.)
Catherine: Dr. Kane, this girl was kidnapped at age four. Would she have any recollection of her prior life?
Dr. Phillip Kane: The theory of infantile amnesia suggests that we have no cognitive memory before the age of three but since Tammy -- or Melissa -- was taken from her biological parents at age four she may remember something of her former life.
Grissom: But these memories would be ... tenuous?
Dr. Phillip Kane: A sound or a smell might awaken some latent image or feeling but she'd have difficulty contextualizing these sensations.
Catherine: That's got to be frustrating.
(DR. KANE finishes wrapping the bat and takes it from GRISSOM.)
Dr. Phillip Kane: And it's precisely that frustration which dominates this woman's present state of mind. Kidnapped children at that age tend to exhibit some degree of sociopathy as adults.
Catherine: Such as?
Grissom: Inability to feel guilt, compassion or love, right?
Dr. Phillip Kane: Correct. But the most defining characteristic is their instinct for survival. There's nothing that they won't do.
Catherine: Tammy Felton needs help. She may be a suspect, but she's also a victim.
Grissom: Cath, meet with her again. Ask open questions.
(GRISSOM turns to shake DR. KANE'S hand. CATHERINE stands up to leave.)
Grissom: Thanks for your insights, Philip. I'll let you know how this unfolds.
Dr. Phillip Kane: Gil ... be careful. Sociopaths are dangerous because they don't function by the same... moral code as the rest of us.
Grissom: Welcome to my world.
CUT TO:
[INT. WINSTON RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(WARRICK and SARA go back to the house.)
Sara: I checked with homicide again. They found no evidence of foul play.
Warrick: What about the husband -- is he still a suspect?
Sara: No motive. O'Riley spoke with friends and relatives. They were a loving couple.
Warrick: What about, uh ... life insurance policies?
Sara: No, and you're reaching.
Warrick: I'm not the one who's reaching here.
Sara: We're scientists, right? We want answers, the satisfaction of certainty. I'm not ignoring scientific method. I'm just keeping an open mind. If we eliminate all the alternatives we're left with spontaneous combustion. That's exciting!
Warrick: That would be cool, but you've been jumping to conclusions from minute one.
Sara: She's a pile of ash.
(WARRICK stands up with an instrument in his hand.)
Warrick: Well, I brought the ion detector. This will pick up even the smallest traces of hydrocarbon fumes.
Sara: Great.
Warrick: I don't care what the lab says. This puppy will reveal exactly what accelerant was used to start the f*re.
(He turns the detector on and it beeps steadily. He finds nothing.)
Sara: Well?
(WARRICK keeps at it. Then turns it off.)
Warrick: Nothing.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY]
(GREG is on the phone with his back to the door. He doesn't notice NICK walk into the lab.)
Greg Sanders: (to phone) You know I love you. Yes ... no, I love you more. No, I love you more.
(NICK clears his throat.)
(GREG turns around and sees NICK standing there. He finishes up his phone call.)
Greg Sanders: (to phone) Bye, baby.
(GREG stands and hangs up the phone.)
Nick: Do you have the results on the swab yet?
Greg Sanders: Uh ...
Nick: Uh... from the d*ad guy at the pottery store? The coroner sent over a sample. You were supposed to analyze the mineral content.
Greg Sanders: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Grissom has just been running me around like a lapdog. I haven't had a chance.
Nick: Grissom's on a missing persons-- he hasn't sent you anything.
Greg Sanders: Did I say Grissom? No, I meant Catherine.
Nick: Oh, yeah. Catherine's working with me.
Greg Sanders: Oh. Well, what do you say we check out that swab then, huh?
Nick: Great.
(GREG laughs and opens the refrigeration unit to get the sample out.)
Greg Sanders: Don't you ever goof off, huh? Do you ever get a little lost in life?
Nick: No.
Greg Sanders: Well, you should.
(GREG puts the slide under the scope.)
Greg Sanders: Okay...
(He looks under the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of slide.]
Nick: Do you see the sparkly bits?
Greg Sanders: Fluorescent minerals. Interesting.
(He pulls back and thinks a moment.)
Greg Sanders: Here, do me a favor, will you?
(GREG hands NICK a pair of goggles, then steps to the side while NICK moves around the table to get behind the scope.)
Greg Sanders: Put your nose down the scope. And, when you see the sparkling bits glow give a shout.
(GREG turns the Rofin device on and attaches the nozzle to it. He turns the lights on as NICK puts on his goggles.)
(GREG adjusts the machine to P2 / 505.)
Greg Sanders: Okay, ready?
Nick: Yeah, ready.
(GREG puts the light on the metal as NICK looks through the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW of slide]
Greg Sanders: Lead.
(GREG adjusts the light machine.)
Greg Sanders: Zinc.
[SCOPE VIEW of the slide]
(He adjusts the light machine.)
Greg Sanders: Lithium. Anything?
Nick: Nothing yet.
(GREG adjusts the machine to P2 / 650.)
[SCOPE VIEW of the slide]
Greg Sanders: Manganese.
(GREG adjusts the machine again.)
Greg Sanders: Petroleum.
(He makes one final adjustment and the pieces glow.)
[SCOPE VIEW of the slide]
Greg Sanders: All right, how about this?
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa ... stop.
Greg Sanders: It's uranium.
(GREG and NICK take off their goggles.)
Nick: Are you serious?
Greg Sanders: Simple quantum mechanics. When the molecule is b*mb with energy at a specific level the electrons excite, causing the mineral to glow. And, at this wavelength, it's definitely uranium.
Nick: Which is radioactive. Do we need to evacuate the building or anything?
Greg Sanders: The amount is trace. We should be fine.
Nick: You sure?
Greg Sanders: No.
(NICK looks worriedly at his hands.)
Greg Sanders: But I can tell you one thing for sure -- there is definitely uranium on your m*rder w*apon.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(NICK is busy scrubbing his hands when GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: I hear that, uh, Greg found uranium on the swab from Felton's skull.
Nick: Yeah. He says I'm okay, but you know Greg. Tell me, am I radiating a green glow?
Grissom: You'll be fine, silkwood.
Nick: What's uranium doing on a m*rder w*apon anyway?
Grissom: Well, before Peter Parker was bit by that radioactive spider and became spider-man back in the '50s oxidized uranium flecks were used as color enhancers.
Nick: Color enhancers?
Grissom: Like paint? Paints, dyes, glazes... since our guy was k*lled in a pottery store...
Nick: Say no more.
(NICK throws the towel away and walks out of the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. THE CRACKED KILN -- DAY]
(NICK uses the geiger counter in the store. He goes from product to product looking at the counter. Finally, the counter starts ticking wildly as he points to the gnome figurine.)
(NICK picks up the figurine and sees the pieces of hair and blood on the chipped backside.)
Nick: (chuckles) You got to be kidding me.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM interviews HANK and MRS. MARLOWE.)
Mrs. Marlowe: You found Melissa?
Grissom: Yes.
Mrs. Marlowe: When can we see her?
Grissom: It's not quite that simple.
Hank Marlowe: What do you mean?
Grissom: Well, I don't want to be evasive. It's just that, uh ... we suspect she might have committed a crime.
Mrs. Marlowe: What kind of crime?
Grissom: A homicide.
Mrs. Marlowe: This can't be happening.
Hank Marlowe: Mr. Grissom, we want to see our daughter-- now.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE interviews MELISSA MARLOWE/TAMMY FELTON.)
Catherine: Tell me about your mother.
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: What's she got to do with this?
Catherine: Tammy, if you've got nothing to hide and you want me to find out who k*lled your father why don't you just answer my questions?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Mara, my mother ... died a few years ago.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM leads the MARLOWES down the hallway.)
Grissom: I can let you see her, but I can't allow you to talk to her -- not right now -- and not under these circumstances.
(They turn the corner and walk into the OBSERVATION ROOM.)
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(Through the glass, they watch as CATHERINE interviews MELISSA / TAMMY.)
Catherine: Your parents, were they close?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: They loved each other.
Catherine: Do you have any siblings?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Only child.
Catherine: How was your childhood? Were you a happy child? Did you have any friends?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Look, I don't see how these questions are going to help you. May I go?
Catherine: Sure.
(MELISSA/TAMMY stands up and leaves the room. The door closes behind her.)
(MRS. MARLOWE watches, then runs out of the observation room and into the hallway to catch up with her.)
(GRISSOM sees her run and chases after her.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS
(MRS. MARLOWE turns the corner and sees MELISSA/TAMMY walking. She runs to her, calling her daughter's name.)
Mrs. Marlowe: Melissa? ... Melissa?!
(She reaches MELISSA/TAMMY and pulls her around.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Excuse me?
Mrs. Marlowe: It's mom ...
(MRS. MARLOWE hugs MELISSA/TAMMY warmly.)
(GRISSOM and HANK MARLOWE catch up with them.)
Mrs. Marlowe: ... baby...
(MELISSA/TAMMY looks confused, then pushes MRS. MARLOWE away from her.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (hard) Lady ... I'm not your daughter.
(MELISSA/TAMMY turns around and walks down the hallway toward the door. MRS. MARLOWE starts to cry.)
Mrs. Marlowe: Who is she? Her name? Who is she now?
Catherine: Tammy -- Tammy Felton.
Mrs. Marlowe: Oh, my god.
Catherine: What?
(MRS. MARLOWE cries.)
Hank Marlowe: Mara Felton was our baby-sitter. The police questioned Mara when Melissa disappeared.
Catherine: Tammy referred to her mother as Mara, now deceased.
Mrs. Marlowe: I am her mother.
Catherine: Of course. I didn't mean ...
Hank Marlowe: We need a lawyer.
Grissom: Why would you need a lawyer?
Hank Marlowe: Not for us; for our daughter.
(The MARLOWES turn and leave. CATHERINE watches them go. She shakes her head then turns to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: What were you thinking?
Grissom: (sighs) I don't know. I wanted to observe them, I guess.
Catherine: That woman hasn't seen her daughter in 21 years. You actually thought a glass wall would keep them apart?
Grissom: I never thought about that.
Catherine: I know. You're not good with people.
Grissom: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY]
(SARA walks up to WARRICK.)
Sara: Interesting voice mail you left me.
Warrick: What's that?
Sara: "Meet me behind CSI and bring a cotton nightgown." I'd wear it for you but, uh, I prefer pajamas.
Warrick: Really? It was actually for my girlfriend here -
(WARRICK uncovers the cloth around a pig.)
Warrick: Miss Piggy.
(SARA grimaces and takes a step backward.)
Sara: We're experimenting on a pig again?
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK puts the pig in the rocking chair similar to the one at the WINSTON'S house.)
Sara: (swallows) You know, I-I-I haven't eaten meat since Grissom used one to estimate postmortem insect growth.
Warrick: Well, I tried for human volunteers, but no takers.
Sara: What are you going to do, exactly?
(WARRICK takes the cotton nightgown from SARA and starts dressing the pig.)
Warrick: What are we going to do? We're disproving the existence of spontaneous human combustion.
Sara: (smiles) You do not give up.
Warrick: Well, we're recreating the death of Nadine Winston, right? She was wearing a cotton nightgown -- thank you -- and she had a half a pack of smokes on her end table, which means she was probably smoking a cigarette.
Sara: If she b*rned herself with the cigarette, she would've woken up, not b*rned up.
Warrick: Best part: Toxicology sample came back. Nadine had a high concentration of seconal in her blood.
Sara: Sleeping pills.
Warrick: Enough to knock out a horse.
(WARRICK finishes dressing the pig.)
Warrick: All right.
(He takes out a cigarette and sticks it in his mouth and starts patting himself looking for matches.)
Sara: Care for a light?
(SARA takes out a lighter from her jacket pocket and lights WARRICK'S cigarette.)
(WARRICK makes sure that the cigarette it lit, then places it on the edge of Miss Piggy's cotton nightdress.)
Sara: Now what?
Warrick: We wait.
(The cigarette starts to burn the nightdress.)
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) DOOR BUZZER
CUT TO:
[EXT. FELTON RESIDENCE - LATE DAY]
(MELISSA/TAMMY opens the door to CATHERINE, NICK and GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Hi, Tammy. We just, uh, want to look around.
(NICK takes out the warrant from his pocket.)
Nick: We have a warrant.
(MELISSA/TAMMY opens the front door.
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: A warrant for what?
Grissom: Any evidence relating to the m*rder of your father.
Catherine: Tammy, could you step outside? This officer will keep you company.
(MELISSA/TAMMY steps outside the house.)
Catherine: Thanks.
(CATHERINE walks into the house.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FELTON RESIDENCE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE look through the clothing. NICK walks into the room. He stops in front of them and clears his throat to get their attention.)
Grissom: What?
Nick: I should get a finder's fee.
(NICK holds up a pair of gloves. GRISSOM stares at them and stands up.)
Nick: (laughs) Here. One for each of you.
(NICK ands them each a glove. GRISSOM looks at it under the magnifying glass. CATHERINE does the same.)
Catherine: Yellow paint.
Grissom: Shall we test for uranium?
Nick: I need a darkroom.
(CATHERINE hands the glove to NICK. GRISSOM clears a spot off of the table. CATHERINE takes off her jacket and hands it to GRISSOM.)
Nick: Now, if uranium is present the photons should react with the film.
(NICK takes out the unexposed film and holds it with the glove under the jacket.)
Nick: Okay, I'm exposing it ...
(Under the jacket, he exposes the film to the glove. He takes out the film and waits for it to develop.)
(Fast motion time development to: The film shows the yellow flecks.)
Catherine: Well, that's affirmative for uranium.
(NICK nods as he hands the photo to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Nicely done, Nick.
Nick: Thanks.
(GRISSOM cuts open the gloves at the seams into two flat hand-shaped halves.)
(CATHERINE walks back into the room with MELISSA/TAMMY and the OFFICER.)
Grissom: Miss, have you ever worn these gloves?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: No. They belonged to my mother.
Grissom: Really? Well, we'll see.
(GRISSOM dusts the inside of the gloves.)
Catherine: Tammy, I need your right index finger.
(MELISSA/TAMMY watches GRISSOM and holds out her finger for CATHERINE to print. CATHERINE takes the print, then sits down on the couch next to GRISSOM waiting for him to lift the print from the glove.)
(GRISSOM tape lifts the print off of the gloves then compares it to TAMMY'S print. He goes from print to print.)
Grissom: (looks up) It's a perfect match.
(Quick flashback to: At the back of The Cracked Kiln, TAMMY and JOE FELTON both enter the pottery store.)
(Cut to: JOE cracks the safe.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Joe lanced the safe.
(Cut to: JOE takes out the cash box from the safe and moves to the side to get the money. TAMMY looks around and sees the gnome figurine on the counter. She hits JOE on the back of the head.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Once the safe was cracked you seized the moment and bashed his head in -- three blows.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(MELISSA/TAMMY doesn't say anything.)
Grissom: Nick, call Brass. Tell him it's time to make an arrest.
Nick: Done.
(NICK stands up and leaves the room.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: You're making a mistake. I didn't k*ll my father. We weren't alone.
Grissom: I'm sorry, but there's no evidence to indicate that there was a third person present at the crime scene.
Catherine: Who else was there?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: I tried to stop her, I swear.
Catherine: Tammy ...
(CATHERINE stands up.)
Catherine: Who was with you?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Melissa Marlowe. But that bitch wouldn't listen.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM]
(DR. PHILLIP KANE explains the condition to GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS while MELISSA/TAMMY sits in the interview room beyond the mirror.)
Brass: So we're looking at a split personality?
Dr. Phillip Kane: Quite possible. Two personalities in one.
Brass: Is there any scientific evidence that supports this disorder?
Grissom: Brain scans have documented changes in the hippocampus of individuals shifting from one personality to another. But would these two personalities be aware of each other?
Dr. Phillip Kane: Well, usually the dominant personality is aware of everything. The subjugated personality is only aware of itself.
Grissom: Tammy's the dominant personality.
Catherine: But Melissa k*lled Joseph Felton -- Tammy's father.
Grissom: Who was also Melissa's kidnapper.
Brass: Revenge for a kidnapping 21 years after the fact?
Dr. Phillip Kane: Well, it is possible. It may have taken that long for the subjugated personality to break free.
Brass: Maybe, uh, Miss Mirror-has-two-faces is playing us for fools. We corner her with the evidence, she goes nuts sets the groundwork for an insanity plea.
Catherine: Forensic psychology is a science.
Grissom: We have to stay open to all the possibilities.
(There's a light knocking on the door and an OFFICER walks in.)
Uniform Officer: Captain?
Brass: Yeah?
Uniform Officer: The girl's parents are here with her attorney.
Brass: Well, this ought to be interesting.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT]
(MRS. MARLOWE sits across from MELISSA/TAMMY.)
Mrs. Marlowe: Melissa ...
(MELISSA/TAMMY looks up.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Lady, I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are. I'm not Melissa; I'm Tammy. Tammy Felton.
Randy Painter: Tammy, my name is Randy Painter. I'm a defense attorney. The Marlowes have hired me to defend you.
Tammy Felton: (nods) I didn't k*ll my father.
Hank Marlowe: Melissa, I don't know what you've been told but you're our daughter. You were taken from us. We've spent the last 21 years looking for you.
(MELISSA/TAMMY shakes her head.)
Tammy Felton: My father was Joseph, my mother was Mara and they're both d*ad.
Randy Painter: Bail's been set at half a million dollars.
(MELISSA/TAMMY looks at RANDY PAINTER and shakes her head in disbelief. MRS. MARLOWE reaches out and covers MELISSA'S hand with her own. MELISSA pulls her hand away.)
(She looks up and stares at the locket around MRS. MARLOWE'S neck. She notices MELISSA looking at it.)
Mrs. Marlowe: You looking at my necklace? Your father bought this for me when you were born and you used to play with it.
(MELISSA looks as if she might be remembering it.)
Mrs. Marlowe: We're not going to let you go to jail. Right? Right, Hank?
Hank Marlowe: Raising even ten percent won't be easy.
(MRS. MARLOWE starts crying.)
Mrs. Marlowe: Hank, she's not spending another night away from us. Whatever it takes.
Hank Marlowe: When are we due in court?
Randy Painter: The prelim's tomorrow morning, 9:00 A.M.
Hank Marlowe: Then I'd better hurry with bail.
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE watch as MRS. MARLOWE tries to reach out her hand to MELISSA from across the table, only to pull it back.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT]
(SARA and WARRICK play chess next to the smoking chair. WARRICK takes a sip from his mug while SARA makes her move.)
(GRISSOM walks up to them.)
Grissom: I just got back to the lab, saw the smoke. What's up?
Sara: We're just working the case.
Warrick: Yeah, we're disproving spontaneous human combustion. We dressed the pig up in a cotton dress and torched it with a cigarette.
Grissom: And what happened?
Warrick: The pig's been reduced to ash. The fat acted like candle wax; b*rned hot, slow and intense.
(GRISSOM looks down at the chess board and makes the next move. WARRICK slows down his explanation when he notices that GRISSOM'S not that interested in it.)
Warrick: Nothing spontaneous about it.
Grissom: You both knew that there'd be a scientific explanation for the human torch though, right?
(SARA doesn't say anything and looks down at the board. WARRICK quickly covers.)
Warrick: Of course.
(SARA looks at WARRICK who glances over at her also. GRISSOM pipes up.)
Grissom: Did you find the wick?
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything and walks around SARA toward the chair.)
Sara: The wick?
Warrick: The what?
Grissom: A piece of fabric that's scorched but not completely b*rned ... like possibly from the nightgown.
(GRISSOM picks up a piece of unburned fabric stuck in the chair.)
Sara: We found the same thing at the crime scene.
Grissom: It's called the wick effect. It's like an inside-out candle. The fabric acts like a wick, and the body burns inward explaining the high temperatures which destroy the bone. The fabric ends up scorched, but not completely b*rned.
Sara: You knew about the ashes? Why didn't you say something when you gave us the case?
Grissom: Well, in science we learn through experimentation, right? Sometimes we need to see it to believe it. You guys did a nice job. Now you have to clean it up.
(GRISSOM puts the piece of cloth down and walks away. SARA moves to stand in front of WARRICK.)
Sara: Well, I would've looked like an idiot. Thanks for covering.
Warrick: Well, you can show your appreciation by, uh, cleaning up.
(She scrunches her face, then smiles.)
Sara: Done.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - JAIL -- NIGHT]
(The doors slide open and CATHERINE walks in. She walks up to the cell and looks at MELISSA/TAMMY.)
Catherine: Thank you. I got a call that Melissa wanted to see me.
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Thanks for coming.
Catherine: Am I speaking to Melissa ... or Tammy?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Melissa. I know who I am now ... after spending time with my real parents.
Catherine: (shakes her head) I'm not an attorney. There are no privileges here. Whatever you say ...
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (interrupts) What are my chances ... in court?
Catherine: The evidence is damaging.
(She stands up and walks up to the bars to look at CATHERINE.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: If I plead insanity ... ?
Catherine: You have a lawyer. Why are you asking me?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: You wanted to help me. When I I.D.'d Joe, you were kind. I need you to testify that I was not sane at the time that I k*lled Joe. My lawyer says that would go a really long way with a jury.
Catherine: (shakes her head) I'm not an expert.
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: But it doesn't matter. You spent time with me. You could answer questions the right way. I can't explain what happened in that room today but it's like ... the only memories I have are of being a little kid. The last 21 years are blank -- like they never happened.
Catherine: Then you shouldn't have any memories of me ... Tammy.
(The game's up.)
Catherine: There is no Melissa, is there?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (hard) Get the hell out of here.
Catherine: I'm gone.
(CATHERINE turns to leave.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (little girl voice) Don't go!
(CATHERINE stops and turns to look at MELISSA/TAMMY.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (little girl voice) Don't leave me here with her.
(CATHERINE does say anything.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: (normal voice) Just practicing for court. Not bad, huh?
(CATHERINE turns.)
Catherine: Guard.
(She leaves the jail area.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(CATHERINE walks into the hallway and into GRISSOM'S office.)
Catherine: Hey, come on. We're going to be late for the prelim.
(GRISSOM is sitting at his desk.)
Grissom: Tammy Felton's prelim has been postponed indefinitely.
Catherine: What? Why?
Grissom: She left town. Skipped bail.
Catherine: (realizes) How much did the parents lose?
Grissom: Their house and their life savings.
(CATHERINE sighs.)
Grissom: It's over. Case closed. We move on.
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses.)
Catherine: Right.
(CATHERINE'S not about to give up on this. She turns and heads out the office door.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks down the hallway. She's on the phone with BRASS.)
Catherine: Brass, it's Catherine. I need a credit card purchase report on the Marlowes. The last 24 hours. Based on what? Based on the fact that the Marlowes are blind when it comes to their daughter and would do anything for her.
(CATHERINE walks out of camera frame.)
CUT TO:
[INT. MARLOWE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and BRASS question the MARLOWES.)
Hank Marlowe: We have no idea where she is.
Catherine: Look, you're here, she's not and we know that you helped her flee the jurisdiction.
Mrs. Marlowe: What?
Brass: 22 bus tickets bought with your credit card to 22 different states? You made sure that we couldn't track her. Now, that's aiding and abetting the flight of a suspected felon.
Catherine: Wherever you think she is -- wherever you're planning on meeting her -- she's not there. She played you. Now, if you'll just tell us where she is, we won't file charges, right?
Brass: Well, if she's apprehended, yes. Otherwise it's a felony. You're going to jail.
(MRS. MARLOWE stands up. HANK MARLOWE stands up also.)
Mrs. Marlowe: Arrest us.
Catherine: Think about what you're doing.
Hank Marlowe: We know exactly what we're doing.
Mrs. Marlowe: Melissa's free. That's all that matters.
(CATHERINE sighs. BRASS calls over the OFFICERS standing on the side.)
Brass: Frankie?
(The OFFICERS move forward. BRASS reads the MARLOWES their rights.)
Brass: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS HIGHWAY - BUS STOP -- DAY]
(The ALL LAND TRAILS bus pulls over to the side of the road. A single figure disembarks. The bus leaves.)
(MELISSA MARLOWE/TAMMY FELTON stands there and waits. She takes off her kerchief and fluffs up her hair. She removes her jacket as she waits for the car to stop.)
(DARIN HANSON gets out of the car and closes the door.)
Darin Hanson: Am I late?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Oh, you're worth waiting for.
(DARIN HANSON opens the door for her.)
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: You owe me one, Darin.
Darin Hanson: Owe you? I'm the one that told you the truth about your father.
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: And you knew exactly what I'd do about it.
(MELISSA MARLOWE/TAMMY FELTON gets into the car (license #RLH 320). He closes the door for her. She pulls down the visor mirror and looks at herself while DARIN HANSON drives off.)
Darin Hanson: Where to?
Melissa Marlowe/Tammy Felton: Does it matter?
Darin Hanson: Not in the least.
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x17 - Face Lift"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. ANDRE'S RESTAURANT - SIXTH STREET - NIGHT]
(The restaurant door opens and a guest walks in. He politely greets KEVIN and AMY SHEPHERD who are just walking out the restaurant.)
Dining Guest: Good evening.
Kevin Shepherd: Hi.
(Arms around each other, they walk down the sidewalk.)
Amy Shepherd: That was nice. I had such a beautiful time tonight. Eight years.
Kevin Shepherd: People said we wouldn't last. (she laughs) Happy anniversary, baby.
Amy Shepherd: Happy anniversary.
(They kiss and continue walking.)
(As they walk by, the camera focuses on the sidewalk where a lit cigarette rolls discarded.)
(The Shepherds reach their parked car. KEVIN walks AMY to the passenger door, then walks around the car to the driver's side. He pauses and they look at each other. She smiles.)
(Someone masked and dressed in black grabs her from behind. With a Kn*fe in his hand, he slices her neck.)
(KEVIN SHEPHERD stands frozen in shock. AMY is on the ground, d*ad in a pool of blood.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[EXT. ANDRE'S RESTAURANT - SIXTH STREET - NIGHT]
(A camera flashes. SARA kneels near AMY SHEPHERD and takes pictures of the victim.)
Warrick: Two victims. She's on the sidewalk, a foot from the curb and he's in the middle of the street.
(WARRICK turns to look at SARA who stands up. She looks at WARRICK and indicates the body on the sidewalk.)
Sara: What's missing here?
Warrick: No car.
Nick: No mercy.
(NICK is kneeling down next to the second body out on the road: KEVIN SHEPHERD.)
Nick: This guy's s*ab at least five times. Got some reddish hair. Vic's hair is brown.
(GRISSOM and BRASS walk up to the scene.)
Grissom: What do we got?
Brass: They had dinner at Andre's. Coroner's assistant has his wallet with the credit card receipt.
(GRISSOM puts down his kit and kneels to look at KEVIN SHEPHERD'S body.)
Grissom: They didn't bother to valet.
Brass: Saved five bucks, cost them their lives. Carjacking gone bad.
Grissom: Carjackers don't use knives.
Brass: Never?
Grissom: They used to say, "Never on Sunday." Then Pearl Harbor happened. I never say, "Never."
(GRISSOM turns to look back at the body.)
[CAMERA SLOW MOTION]
(A drop of water falls into a pool of blood. Another drop of water falls on someone's jacket.)
(GRISSOM looks up at the sky. A rain drop falls on his forehead.)
[RESUME CAMERA MOTION]
Brass: Oh, man ...
(It starts pouring.)
(GRISSOM stands and starts yelling out instructions.)
Grissom: We got three minutes to process this crime scene!
(Everyone moves to process the scene. SARA takes pictures as fast as she can.)
Grissom: After that, we lose it all to the gutters! Sara, take overalls! Warrick, put a cone down on everything you bag! Nick, we got to get these bodies into the van!
(Everyone rushes around to preserve and collect whatever they can. It is complete chaos as people run into each other trying to process the crime scene.)
Nick: Now! Let's go guys! Go! SARA: Pick the jacket up!
(SARA finishes taking pictures of AMY SHEPHERD and moves to take pictures of KEVIN SHEPHERD. The Coroners, Officers and other personnel move quickly.)
Nick: Let's go! BRASS: Bring me a body bag. I want to cover this woman! NICK: Get a bag, hurry up!
(The Coroners move to get the body bags. WARRICK rushes to open bags to gather evidence on the sidewalk.)
Sara: Can we get another gurney? GRISSOM: I need another gurney.
(The Coroners move quickly to prep the gurney to get the body out of the rain.)
Coroners: Load this up!
(WARRICK grabs the bags of evidence and runs toward the cars.)
Nick: Let's go, let's go! Okay, I've got it.
(The gurney is pushed next to one of the bodies and NICK instructs the Coroners.)
Nick: All right, let's get him out.
(SARA takes more pictures.)
Sara: Come on, come on! Hurry up! NICK: Let's go, hurry up! Get the plastic on!
(SARA finishes with the pictures and stands next to GRISSOM.)
Sara: We're losing everything!
(GRISSOM turns and looks up at the sky.)
Grissom: Yeah ... our k*ller got lucky tonight.
(The camera pulls backward up to the sky as GRISSOM looks down at the ground, then all around him. Everyone continues to work to save what they can.)
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. SIXTH STREET - CRIME SCENE - NIGHT]
(Camera opens on a cigarette butt in the middle of the sidewalk. It's stopped raining for the moment. WARRICK kneels down next to it shining his flashlight down at it.)
Warrick: Well, rain screwed up all our chances of a good DNA profile.
Nick: Don't even bother bagging it.
(NICK walks away continuing to look for whatever evidence the rain may have left behind.)
(Thunder rumbles.)
(Out on the street, GRISSOM slams the Coroner's back door shut as it leaves. He and SARA walk around the side to meet up with BRASS.)
Grissom: Do we have any eyeballs at all?
Brass: It's a quiet street, weeknight. Neighbors heard the commotion. Kid over here, he had the only view.
(GRISSOM and SARA both turn around to look at the young man sitting on the curb. They head off in that direction.)
Grissom: What's your name, son?
(JUSTIN GREEN stands up.)
Justin Green: Justin Green.
Grissom: Well, Justin, my name's Gil Grissom. This is Sara Sidle. We're with the Crime Lab. Is, uh, is that your blood?
(GRISSOM shines the light on JUSTIN'S bloodied jacket.)
Justin Green: No, I-it's his, the one you took away. I tried to help him. I thought I was doing everything right. I think I might have k*lled him.
Grissom: Whoa. Slow down.
Sara: What did you do exactly?
(Quick flashback to: Earlier that night. JUSTIN is walking on the street when a speeding SUV almost hits him.)
Justin Green: (V.O.) I was crossing the street. This SUV came out of nowhere -- almost clipped me. I turned and there was this body lying in the street.
(From where he stands, he turns and sees something.)
Justin Green: Oh, my god.
(He immediately starts shouting for help.)
Justin Green: Help! Help! Somebody call 9-1-1!
(He runs over toward the body.)
Justin Green: (V.O.) I freaked.
(He kneels down next to the body and starts to perform CPR.0)
Justin Green: (V.O.) I did everything wrong. I didn't tilt his head back. I- I- ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Justin Green: I didn't clear his airway.
Grissom: If it makes you feel any better, that's not what k*lled him.
Sara: Justin ... we're going to need to take your clothes.
Justin Green: Why?
Sara: Because there's blood all over them.
(JUSTIN looks down at his clothes.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. COLLAPSED APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT]
(Firefighters and other Rescue Personnel walk into the collapsed building to look for survivors. Camera moves out from inside the building out into the sidewalk and street where the rescue vehicles are and where other personnel are busy working.)
(Injured people on gurneys being helped. There are f*re and rescue crews, ambulance and other officers all parked along the street.)
(CATHERINE parks her Tahoe and gets out. She takes her kit and closes the car door, then makes her way toward the collapsed building.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine?
(CATHERINE turns to see SGT. O'RILEY walking toward her.)
Catherine: Hey.
Sgt. O'Riley: I like the hair.
Catherine: Thanks.
(They make their way toward the collapsed building.)
Sgt. O'Riley: What are you doing here?
Catherine: I was assigned. This is my case.
Sgt. O'Riley: Case? The building collapsed. There's nothing criminal here.
Catherine: Right. That's why you were assigned -- a homicide detective. What happened?
Sgt. O'Riley: Well, part of the basement caved in. Brought the rest down with it.
Catherine: Body count?
Sgt. O'Riley: Three old women. Sisters. One minute you're watching wheel of fortune -- next thing, game over.
Catherine: And you're not calling this a crime scene?
Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine, it's a building.
Catherine: O'Riley ... it's a suspect.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT]
(GREG is in the lab looking through the scope. NICK walks in.)
Nick: Hey, Greg.
Greg Sanders: (holds up a hand) Shh. I might be looking at the mother of my children here.
(NICK puts on a pair of latex gloves.)
Nick: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.
Greg Sanders: No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just ... bamm. Shoulder-length blonde hair ... intelligent ... and she smells so good.
Nick: Cute toes?
Greg Sanders: Oh ... ideal.
Nick: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: And none are longer than the big toe.
Nick: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside?
Nick: Oh, what's in her heart?
Greg Sanders: No ... her DNA ... and let me tell you -- this girl has got some fine epithelials.
(GREG turns back to look through the scope. NICK watches GREG and smiles. They both laugh.)
Nick: Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it.
(NICK works on prepping his evidence.)
Greg Sanders: No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.
Nick: But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee ... letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers not bogarting her skin cells.
(NICK takes the hair sample and puts it on the slide. GREG looks from his scope and notices NICK.)
Greg Sanders: Ahh, that's boring. What are you doing? What have you got?
Nick: Um, pulled some hair off a male s*ab vic.
(GREG takes over. He puts the slide under the scope.)
Greg Sanders: Okay. Baby. Uh-huh.
Nick: What?
Greg Sanders: Nine lives.
Nick: Cat hair?
Greg Sanders: (nods) Meow.
(NICK sighs, disappointed.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the findings with GRISSOM. They stand between the two bodies.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Kevin Shepherd. Six s*ab wounds to the upper torso -- one to the back, five to the front.
Grissom: And his wife?
(GRISSOM turns to look at AMY SHEPHERD.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Amy Shepherd. One slice across the neck, right to left.
Grissom: Work of a lefty?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, the blade transected the jugular vein and both carotids.
Grissom: Hard to scream when your throat's been cut.
(GRISSOM turns back to KEVIN SHEPHERD.)
Grissom: Defensive wounds.
Dr. Albert Robbins: This guy put up one hell of a fight. att*cked with two w*apon.
Grissom: (surprised) Two?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Two types of s*ab wounds. First a long, sharp double-edged blade. The blade went in smooth ...
(He makes a s*ab downward motion with his hands.)
(Quick CGI POV to: The camera pushes down toward wound #5 and pierces through the flesh. It reverses back up and out. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: ... left a little collateral bruising to the skin. w*apon number two was blunt.
(With both hands, DR. ROBBINS makes a s*ab downward motion.)
(Quick CGI POV to: The camera pushes down toward wound #3 and pierces through the flesh. It reverse back up and out. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: w*apon number two caused extensive bruising around the points of entry.
(He points out the damage to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Two w*apon ... two attackers.
CUT TO:
[INT. COLLAPSED BUILDING - WRECKED ROOM - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks into the damaged room. She walks up to a FIREMAN.)
Catherine: Hi. District Engineer?
Fireman: Over there.
(He points to a man with a large piece of drywall in his hand kneeling near the window.)
Catherine: Ah. Follow the tie.
(She walks up to him and stands behind him. She shines the light of her flashlight on the torn wall while she looks over his shoulder.)
Catherine: Is that from the rain?
Paul Newsome: (turns around) Depends on who's asking.
Catherine: Are you hiding something, or am I not worth your time?
Paul Newsome: Excuse me?
Catherine: Well, you are the District Engineer of the city, right? You're responsible for the structural safety of this building.
Paul Newsome: (stands up) I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
Catherine: Catherine Willows, Las Vegas Crime Lab.
Paul Newsome: Crime Lab?
Catherine: Yeah. The building fell down. Three people were crushed to death.
(CATHERINE steps up to the wall.)
Catherine: Why is the wood wet?
Paul Newsome: It's a flat-roofed structure. Leaks aren't uncommon. Maybe that explains the dry rot.
Catherine: Then what am I looking at?
Paul Newsome: That would be sheetrock.
Catherine: Drywall. But what about this layer right here?
(Camera zooms in for a close up of the wall.)
Paul Newsome: When they installed the original drywall they used half-inch and then, when they came back and repaired it, they used quarter of an inch.
Catherine: (turns around) What, was quarter inch on sale that day?
Paul Newsome: Look, Lady, I don't know what it is ...
Catherine: Catherine.
Paul Newsome: Sorry.
Catherine: Don't say, "sorry" just know who you're talking to.
Paul Newsome: When they applied the second layer and then they spackled it and they painted it the difference wasn't noticeable.
Catherine: It's noticeable now. Which District Engineer conducted the last inspection?
Paul Newsome: There's only one District Engineer.
Catherine: Then it looks bad for you.
Paul Newsome: (he laughs) Okay. Look, uh, Catherine, ...
(He puts his hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the wall.)
Paul Newsome: ... why don't I write a report and then I'll e-mail it to you. How would that be?
(CATHERINE looks up at the ceiling and around the room.)
Catherine: Where's the point of origin of the collapse?
(PAUL NEWSOME doesn't say anything.)
Catherine: Look, this is my crime scene. I can find it myself but that might mean lots of question to lots of people.
Paul Newsome: (nods) Well, it's just my, uh, expert opinion but I'd say right below us -- in the basement ... the laundry room.
Catherine: Then that's where I want to be.
(CATHERINE turns to head there.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - EARLY MORNING]
(GRISSOM walks in to the hallway. SARA rounds the corner and finds him.)
Sara: Hey, Gris. Kevin Shepherd, chiropractor. Amy Shepherd, Dentist. House in the lakes. Married eight years. Perfect credit. You know, I'm lost. There's nothing jumping off the page, here.
(SARA hands the file to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: What about the eyewitness?
Sara: Justin Green. First witness, first suspect but he hung around, waiting for us.
Grissom: Covered in blood.
Sara: But his story jibes. Several eyewitness saw him performing CPR on Kevin Shepherd. But if-if-if it is a carjacking, I don't get it. Why fight to the death? It's four wheels and a chassis.
Grissom: In the heat of the moment, it's not a car, it's a possession and people will fight without realizing what they're risking.
Sara: So, you are thinking the Shepherds lost their lives for their SUV?
Grissom: I'm speaking in generalities. Regarding the Shepherds ... I'm in the dark, too, just like you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - EARLY MORNING]
(WARRICK is mixing a bowl full of mold mixture. BRASS walks into the room.)
Brass: Hey, Warrick. Is Grissom around?
Warrick: You see him?
(He chuckles and steps forward.)
Brass: You know between you and me, as long as I've been on the job I still don't like touching d*ad bodies.
Warrick: Well, that's why you got the badge and I got the syringe.
Brass: (softly) wow.
(WARRICK sticks the syringe into the first wound, #3, and injects the mixture in to make a cast.)
(Quick CGI POV of inside the wound and the mixture filling it up. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(WARRICK moves on to wound #1 and fills that wound up with the mixture. He glances over at BRASS who is unusually silent and watching.)
Warrick: (explains) I'm casting the s*ab wounds. From the molds, we can identify the m*rder w*apon.
Brass: You're getting more like Grissom every day, man.
Warrick: Did you want me to give Gris a message?
Brass: Yeah. A patrol car located the Shepherds' SUV.
CUT TO:
[EXT. SUNSET ROAD - STREET - MORNING]
(The SHEPHERDS' SUV is off the road. BRASS and GRISSOM exit their cars and meet up outside on the road.)
Brass: The car is registered to our d*ad couple.
Grissom: When you carjack a car, you keep the car. You don't dump it.
Brass: Unless you're joyriding.
Grissom: Well, who kills for a joyride?
Brass: Wouldn't be the first time.
Grissom: Has anybody else touched this vehicle?
Officer: No, sir. And I'm the one who found it.
Brass: Just the rain. The evidence on the outside of the vehicle will be compromised.
Grissom: Well, maybe there'll be some evidence on the inside.
(GRISSOM opens the door and the body of a d*ad woman tumbles out. GRISSOM grabs the body.)
Grissom: (surprised) Whoa. Whoa.
(Breathing hard, he puts the body back into the car.)
Grissom: Well, I haven't felt that in a while.
Brass: What's that?
Grissom: The element of surprise.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. SUNSET ROAD - STREET - MORNING]
(BRASS opens the passenger door and sighs. He watches as GRISSOM checks the body out.)
Brass: What's she doing here?
Grissom: Good question. Better question, who is she?
Brass: Hmm.
(BRASS reaches out to check the woman's bag. GRISSOM stops him.)
Grissom: Uh. Put some gloves on.
(GRISSOM tosses BRASS some gloves for him to put on.)
Brass: Yeah, I know. You know, I ... I can't believe you messed up the crime scene.
Grissom: The body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.
Brass: Mmm. Going to bother you all day.
(BRASS opens the woman's bag and checks her wallet. He takes out her NEVADA DRIVER'S LICENSE.)
Brass: (reading) Jessica Hall. Date of birth -- 8-5-73.
(He takes out her cell phone.)
Brass: Cell phone, power's off. Didn't call 9-1-1. They would've instructed her to leave it on.
Grissom: Seat belt's unbuckled. That's why she fell out.
Brass: Yeah, so?
Grissom: Well, she's in the driver's seat. Was she driving? Or could she have been placed in here?
Brass: Maybe she's like 28% of Americans -- she doesn't buckle up.
Grissom: I think it's 29%, actually.
(BRASS looks at GRISSOM and doesn't comment.)
Brass: (sighs) I'll go radio the 4-19.
(BRASS leaves the car. NICK drives up, parks and exits his vehicle. He walks over to the open passenger side.)
(GRISSOM, meanwhile, looks under JESSICA HALL'S coat lapel and finds some hair.)
Nick: Hope you're not allergic there, boss.
Grissom: What?
Nick: Cat hair. Found similar hair on Kevin Shepherd's clothing.
Grissom: How about Amy Shepherd?
Nick: Nope. No hairs on the wife.
Grissom: Shepherd's SUV. s*ab wound. Cat hair. She's linked to the first crime scene. But how?
Nick: Victim number three. Wrong place, wrong time. Saw something she shouldn't.
Grissom: Well, finally.
Nick: What?
Grissom: Someone has a theory.
(NICK nods.)
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. CITY VAN - MORNING]
(PAUL NEWSOME kneels inside the back of the van. CATHERINE stands just outside the open van securing her head gear.)
Paul Newsome: Look, I-I've got guys that are trained to do this. Why don't you let me call them? You're going to go in there, you're going to get that snappy little jumpsuit dirty, and ...
Catherine: No offense, but they work for you.
Paul Newsome: So what?
Catherine: Well, so the victims' family deserves answers.
(He doesn't say anything.)
Catherine: Somebody's responsible.
Paul Newsome: Hey, I didn't do anything wrong.
Catherine: Well, maybe not intentionally, but if a ship sinks, the last person who checked for leaks is negligent.
Paul Newsome: You're not married, are you?
(CATHERINE looks at him.)
Paul Newsome: (nods and stands up) Divorced.
(CATHERINE finishes putting on her gear. PAUL NEWSOME settles in the van behind the monitors.)
Paul Newsome: Okay. All right. What you see, I'll see but I just want to go on the record. This is a bad idea.
Catherine: Thanks for your input.
Paul Newsome: All right. We got a hot feed.
Catherine: I'm going in.
Paul Newsome: I'll be right here.
(He sighs.)
(Cut to: SGT. O'RILEY stands up as CATHERINE
Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine? You sure you want to do this?
Catherine: Why is everybody asking me if I want to do my job?
Sgt. O'Riley: Because we care.
Catherine: And?
Sgt. O'Riley: The mayor ran on a platform of urban renewal. Clean out the slumlords, create habitable, low-cost housing maintained by the city. If you find so much as a scratch on an aspirin in there you know who it's going to come back to.
Catherine: I know I have a job to do. Excuse me.
(CATHERINE turns and leaves. She heads for the building.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FLUOROSCOPE OBSERVATION ROOM -- DAY]
(SARA and GRISSOM walk into the observation room off of the fluoroscope room where DR. ROBBINS watching DAVID PHILLIPS work on the body.)
Sara: Hey, Doc. What's with the fluoroscope?
Dr. Albert Robbins: When we brought the body into the lab she set off the metal detector.
Grissom: Did you check in her pockets?
Dr. Albert Robbins: : Nothing in the pockets.
Sara: What about a pin or a plate -- something metallic on the inside?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I had the same thought, but that's not what we've found. David, take her down.
David Phillips: Yes, sir.
(DAVID looks up at sees SARA in the observation room. He smiles at her.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Cause of death, laceration of the liver.
Sara: Exsanguination.
DR. ALBERT ROBBINS Once you nick the liver it's almost impossible to stop the bleeding without immediate medical intervention.
(While watching the monitor, GRISSOM sees something.)
Grissom: Whoa, David. Go back up to the 12th rib, please.
Dr. Albert Robbins: I was just getting to that.
Grissom: Our k*ller leave us a souvenir?
Sara: What is that?
Grissom: What do you leave your waiter?
Sara: A tip ... of a Kn*fe.
Grissom: How soon can we get that out of the body?
CUT TO:
[INT. BUILDING -- DAY]
(Crawling, CATHERINE makes her way slowly toward the laundry room down in the basement. The building creaks around her.)
Catherine: Am I almost at ground zero?
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. VAN (PARKED OUTSIDE) - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
Paul Newsome: Almost. About ten more feet. Uh, then you should be in the laundry room. You should have more headroom, too.
Catherine: I feel like I'm crawling through a straw.
(CATHERINE crawls more and comes to a complete halt in front of a wood beam. She smiles as she watches a bug crawl across the wood.)
Catherine: Sweet!
Paul Newsome: What? What is it?
Catherine: Are you getting this?
Paul Newsome: What is that? A roach?
Catherine: I'm not an entomologist, but I know one. He can tell us.
(The building creaks and something flies overhead causing the building to tremble. Concrete dust and bits of rock fall on CATHERINE. She covers her head.)
Catherine: I thought this building was secure.
Paul Newsome: It is secure. Just hang on. The daily sorties. I think that was an F-16.
Catherine: (realizes) Nellis Air Force Base.
Paul Newsome: About a mile south of here.
(CATHERINE puts a bug into a container.)
Catherine: Anything else I should, uh be aware of?
Paul Newsome: You're in the clear.
(She pockets the container and then continues.)
Catherine: Okay.
(CATHERINE continues crawling through the rubble. She comes up to a traveling chest blocking her path and pushes it aside. She continues.)
Catherine: Okay. I'm in the laundry room ... what's left of it. You want to talk me through this?
(She stands up and looks around the laundry room.)
Paul Newsome: Okay, look up. You should be able to see the beam now.
(CATHERINE looks up and finds the beam.)
Catherine: Got it.
Paul Newsome: All right, connected to the beam running vertically to the concrete foundation are the support columns. Now, in a perfect world, they should be steel but given the age of the building, they might be wood.
Catherine: Yeah, it's wood, all right.
(CATHERINE looks at the damage to the beam.)
Catherine: And it looks like somebody took a sledgehammer to it.
CUT TO:
[INT. ALAN RICH CUTLERY - DAY]
(ALAN RICH looks at the tip of the Kn*fe extracted from JESSICA HALL. He explains the Kn*fe to SARA and BRASS.)
Alan Rich: So you really pulled this out of a corpse?
Sara: Yeah ... but I cleaned it for you.
Brass: We need to know the make of that Kn*fe.
Alan Rich: Well, it's not a Kn*fe. The tip's double-edged. Bevels on both sides, downward slope. This came from a dagger which means it's either carbon steel or stainless steel. I get asked this question more than you think.
(He pulls out a lemon juice squirt container and puts a few drops on the tip of the Kn*fe.)
Sara: Acid in the lemon juice should react to carbon steel, but not stainless steel.
Alan Rich: How's a cop know all this?
Sara: (smiles) He's the cop. I'm the scientist.
Brass: I got a cop question. What are we looking for here?
Alan Rich: Dark spots.
(The tip has dark spots on it.)
Sara: Carbon steel. What's next?
Alan Rich: Length.
(ALAN turns and looks for something behind the counter. He comes back with a piece of paper and a ruler.)
Alan Rich: Daggers are rarely more than an inch at the base. We got the tip. So, we can fill in the rest. It's basic geometry.
(Placing the tip on the piece of paper, he extends the tip of the dagger to estimate how long the w*apon used was.)
Alan Rich: It's five inches. Top row-- five-inch daggers, carbon steel.
(He reaches into the display case and takes out a dagger to show them.)
Alan Rich: This is the one you want. $24.99. We don't take credit cards.
Brass: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM looks at one of the casts of the Kn*fe taken from the Kn*fe wound WARRICK made.)
Warrick: Forget Shepherd's wife. I can't match the slash marks. It's all about these s*ab wounds. So I concentrated on Kevin Shepherd.
Grissom: This is a nice job, Warrick. You know, casting is an art.
(SARA walks into the room holding the dagger.)
Sara: And while the artist was at work, Brass and I identified Jessica Hall's m*rder w*apon from the tip we found lodged in her ribs. It's a dagger. Fugasi model 502.
Warrick: Cool.
(She hands the dagger to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: So we've identified the w*apon used on Jessica Hall. Was it also used on Kevin Shepherd?
(GRISSOM hands the dagger to WARRICK.)
Warrick: Well, I measured all the sharp points of entry on Kevin's body.
Warrick: They're all identical. They're all made from the same m*rder w*apon.
(WARRICK draws the outline of the dagger onto a piece of paper.)
Sara: So, if this dagger matches your mold ...
(He reaches for one of the molds to compare it.)
Sara: Okay. We just put the sharp wounds to bed.
Warrick: Identified m*rder w*apon number one. Now we just need that second m*rder w*apon.
Sara: Points of impact on these two are blunt, right?
Warrick: Yeah, who s*ab someone with a blunt instrument?
Grissom: Sara, you still have the dagger tip from the body?
Sara: Yeah.
(SARA reaches to get the dagger tip out.)
Grissom: And you have the cast of the unidentified m*rder w*apon.
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK reaches for the cast of the unidentified m*rder w*apon.)
Grissom: A dagger's not a diamond. It doesn't last forever.
(WARRICK then matches the unidentified w*apon to the tip. They match.)
Grissom: We don't have two w*apon.
Warrick: So he started with Kevin and then he went after Jessica and then the tip broke off.
Sara: And then he went back to Kevin to finish the job.
Grissom: One w*apon, one k*ller.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM examines the bug CATHERINE took from the collapsed building. GRISSOM looks at the bug in the container while CATHERINE looks through the camera footage taken earlier on the computer monitor.)
Grissom: An anobiid powder-post beetle. Very nice specimen.
Catherine: He likes you, too. Now, tell me about him.
Grissom: Your building collapsed.
Catherine: You assigned me the case. You already know that.
Grissom: Well, this little guy confirms it. This species of beetle eats softwood. Tell me about the building.
Catherine: The frame's made of Douglas Fir.
Grissom: A delicacy.
Catherine: I did find more than a bug. Dry rot, questionable repairs, a jittery Engineer. And check this out.
(She turns the monitor to the side to show GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Forget the beetle; this damage was intentional. You're looking for a h*m*.
Catherine: I know. Gives new meaning to "home wrecker."
Grissom: Catherine, there's a reason I assigned you this case. You're good with people, both the d*ad and the living.
Catherine: Translation: We're opening a political can of worms. The mayor's involved, an election's around the corner and you could've clued me in a little earlier.
(GRISSOM looks back at the beetle in the container. He turns eagerly to CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Can I keep it?
Catherine: Sorry. It's evidence.
Grissom: Don't forget to feed him.
(He hands the container back to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: I know-- wood.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(WARRICK and SARA go over the SUV. WARRICK finds some prints.)
Warrick: Oh, yeah. I got three prints on this gearshift and they are beauties.
Sara: Sweaty palms make the best prints.
(GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Grissom: The coroner just sent over a ten card of Jessica hall's fingerprints. Evidently, I'm the new delivery boy.
(GRISSOM watches WARRICK take picture of the gearshift.)
Grissom: Are you doing what I think you're doing?
Sara: If we find what we're looking for the answer is yes.
(SARA reaches up and turns the light on.)
Sara: (to GRISSOM) Can I see those prints?
Warrick: The images are printing.
(SARA moves over to the table and GRISSOM walks around the car to give her the prints.)
Sara: Thanks.
(From the printer, SARA picks up the photos that WARRICK just took of the prints off of the gearshift. She visually compares the two.)
Sara: No need for AFIS. We got a visual match. All three prints belong to victim number three.
Warrick: So Jessica Hall was the last person to drive the shepherds' suv.
(In the back of the room, NICK walks in.)
Sara: What does that give us? We know she was s*ab at the crime scene, but then what? Was she driving herself to the hospital? Was she under duress?
Nick: None of the above.
(Everyone turns to look at NICK.)
Nick: Hey, Grissom, you know that theory I had?
Grissom: Yeah.
Nick: I'd like to revise it.
Grissom: It's a scientist's right to re-examine his theory with each new piece of evidence, Nick.
Nick: My evidence is in the layout room.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY]
(Everyone stands around the table with the photos spread out in front of them as they listen to NICK'S theory.)
Nick: All the wounds sustained by Kevin Shepherd were to his torso. Now, look at this.
(NICK takes out a shoe from the evidence bag and puts it on a piece of paper that he hands across the table to GRISSOM and SARA to look at.)
Nick: Blood flow on the left instep of Kevin Shepherd's shoe.
Warrick: Lucky for us the rain missed that.
Grissom: When death is not immediate a victim will instinctively curl up into a fetal position. Which may have protected this from the rain.
Sara: Preserving the blood pattern.
Grissom: You expect blood on a victim but let's ask the question: Could the normal action and behavior of our victim have put his blood there?
Sara: The victim was lying on the ground, wounds above the waist. It's not Kevin's blood.
Warrick: Who else had a flowing wound?
Nick: Amy Shepherd was too far away but Jessica Hall was alive and bleeding.
Grissom: Okay. How did her blood get on his shoe?
Nick: Gravity. Warrick, please, on the floor our back.
(NICK heads to the space on the floor in front of the door.)
Warrick: Man, why are you always trying to put me down?
(SARA smiles.)
Nick: Sara, you're Jessica.
(SARA stops smiling.)
Nick: Come on, now.
Sara: (sighs) Okay.
(SARA and WARRICK get into position. WARRICK lies down on his back on the ground. SARA stands over him.)
Warrick: All right, I'm bleeding from my abdomen.
Sara: Standing here, I'm not going to get that much blood on Warrick.
Grissom: Get closer.
Sara: Well, I can't without ... stepping on him.
Grissom: You can if you kneel down.
Warrick: Why would she do that?
(SARA kneels down on the ground near WARRICK'S feet.)
Grissom: Possibly to help or to hinder.
(NICK kneels down.)
Nick: I say hinder.
(Quick flashback to: That night, KEVIN SHEPHERD fights with his assailant. JESSICA HALL helps hold him down. As the assailant hits KEVIN SHEPHERD to subdue him, he s*ab JESSICA.)
Assailant (man): Grab his legs!
(She turns and holds down KEVIN SHEPHERD'S feet, her blood spilling onto his shoes.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: She was in on it. She held him down while someone else s*ab him.
Warrick: By the positioning of her wound, I'd say it looked like her s*ab was an accident.
Sara: s*ab's are messy and inexact. So victim number three becomes suspect number two.
Grissom: Nick, get a warrant for Jessica Hall's apartment. We'll see if suspect number two leads us to suspect number one. And bring a scorecard with you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - TEMPORARY EVIDENCE VAULT - DAY]
(CATHERINE stands on top of the ladder in the evidence vault getting a package down from the top shelf.)
Paul Newsome: Can, uh, can I give you a hand with that?
Catherine: Nope.
(CATHERINE steps down the ladder and notices PAUL NEWSOME standing there.)
Catherine: How did you get in here?
Paul Newsome: Well, I flashed my city I.D. And, uh, my smile.
(He smiles up at her. She is unimpressed. Unaided, she walks down the rest of the ladder and puts the package she's carrying on the table.)
Paul Newsome: What are we looking for?
Catherine: A lot of factors contributed to the collapse. I'm focusing on the human element.
(Inside the package, she takes out the wood beam. PAUL NEWSOME puts the package aside.)
Catherine: Now... if a sledgehammer was taken to this column recently there'd be evidence of discoloration. The damaged part would be lighter.
(CATHERINE uses a hand scope to look at the beam.)
Paul Newsome: (holds out his hand) May I?
(CATHERINE straightens and hands PAUL NEWSOME the scope. He leans in and looks at the wood. He reaches out a hand to touch the wood, but CATHERINE stops him.)
Catherine: Hands off.
Paul Newsome: Oh, right. Sorry. (after a moment) No. No discoloration.
(He straightens and hands CATHERINE the scope back. CATHERINE leans down to look for herself when he stops her.)
Paul Newsome: Would you like to know why?
(She looks at him.)
Catherine: Yeah.
Paul Newsome: Five years ago, the building was apartment Vietnam. The facility was substandard. The city turned its back on it. The tenants revolted. Blake Neferson, apartment 204 took a sledgehammer to that column. It's public record -- he was arrested.
(He hands the file to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Public record? And you failed to indicate the damage in your inspection report?
Paul Newsome: There wasn't enough damage to cause concern.
Catherine: Tell that to the women who were crushed to death.
(CATHERINE leans in to look at the wood herself.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. JESSICA HALL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT]
(The door opens. BRASS walks in and turns on the nearest lamp light. GRISSOM and NICK walk into the apartment.)
Nick: I heard the lab matched the blood on Kevin Shepherd's shoe to Jessica. My theory's getting better and better.
(GRISSOM takes note of the various post-its hanging on her vanity mirror.)
Brass: Not so fast, Nicholas. P.D. traced a call Shepherd made to Jessica from Andre's restaurant.
Nick: What's he doing calling the woman who helped k*ll him?
Grissom: It's your theory, pal.
(GRISSOM walks into the apartment. He walks into the kitchen and turns on the light where he finds more post-it note reminders.)
(GRISSOM walks into the office area and turns on the lamp. He finds more post-
it reminders around her monitor.)
Grissom: Our little Jessica was a prolific note-taker. "Be a good person today."
Brass: Yeah, right. Try not to k*ll too many people.
Grissom: "Cancel water cooler delivery." "Plan girl's night out." "Light bulbs for porch."
(GRISSOM finds a letter sized notepad on top of the computer mouse. He puts it into an envelope.)
Nick: I think I found a keypiece of evidence.
Cat: Mrrrow.
(NICK walks into the room holding a red tabby cat.)
Nick: The redhead we've been looking for.
Grissom: Red hairs on Jessica. She owns a tabby cat. Red hairs on Shepherd.
Nick: Chances are Shepherd was here without his wife.
Brass: Yeah. I'm going to run Jessica's cell phone records and Shepherd's. If anything was between those two we'll find out.
(BRASS turns to leave the room. He passes the OFFICER at the door on his way out.)
Brass: (to OFFICER) Stay here, fella.
(NICK puts the cat down.)
(GRISSOM looks at the different post-it notes on the monitor.)
[GRISSOM'S POV - PANS THE POST-ITS ON MONITOR]
Nick: (reading) "To access Achex, double-click icon. User name: Jessica. Password: Money."
(They look at each other.)
Grissom: Try it.
Nick: Yeah.
(NICK takes a seat behind the computer and powers it on.)
Nick: Achex. Personal on-line banking. Deposits, checking, money transfers everything under the sun.
(NICK puts in the password and clicks. He gets a ledger screen.)
Nick: Okay, I'm in. Direct deposit from Beaumont's department store$500 a week -- probably her weekly paycheck.
(He looks around and clicks on more screens.)
Grissom: And then a $35,000 day?
Nick: What, she win the lottery?
Grissom: How does a girl who makes $2,000 a month pull in $35,000 ... only to give it away on the same day?
Nick: Let's see who she gave it to.
Grissom: It hasn't posted yet.
(NICK sighs and shakes his head disappointed.)
Nick: No luck.
Grissom: Wait. Go back.
(NICK goes back and the following screen appears:
[We have initiated a deposit of Achex payment into your bank checking account. Time of deposit: 10:02 AM
Deposit Confirmation 174976
MARCH 28, 2001
Pay to the Order of: JESSICA HALL
$35,000.00
Transfer from: KEVIN SHEPHERD 17568932
If you should like to keep a paper copy of this transaction, simply click on the PRINT button in your browser.
Please note: As with checks that you deposit, Achex payments must still be cleared by your bank before the money becomes available for spending. Typically it take two days for deposited funds to become available. Your bank can tell you more precisely the time it will take for your Achex payment to clear.]
Grissom: Well, we know who she got it from -- Kevin Shepherd.
Nick: Wait a minute -- Shepherd paid Jessica to m*rder him and his wife?
Grissom: Maybe. (b*at) Maybe not.
(NICK looks up at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: We can't speak from the evidence, Nick and everybody else is d*ad.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - DOCUMENTS LAB]
(NICK hands the notepad to RONNIE LITRE who gets to work on it immediately.)
Nick: I took this from our suspect's apartment.
Ronnie Litre: Husband and wife carjacking. I heard about the case. My friend and I eat at Andre's. Creepy.
Nick: Don't cancel your next reservation. It wasn't a carjacking.
Ronnie Litre: Well, it's a fresh pad. Only a couple of pages missing. Let's see what she wrote on those missing pages.
(Various cuts of RONNIE LITRE prepping the paper. When he's done, he and NICK read what was written on the sheets above it.)
Nick: "Quarters for laundry." Not incriminating. "Pay parking ticket." "Andre's at 9:00 P.M."?
(NICK grabs the paper and leaves.)
Nick: Whoa!
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM puts his glasses on and looks a the paper.)
Grissom: Andre's, nine p.m. Green SUV. "Corner of sixth. Sunday, K's office, 8:00 A.M." This is a blueprint for m*rder.
Nick: Assuming "K" is Kevin they were planning to meet three days after he was m*rder.
Grissom: He paid Jessica $35,000. He called her as he was leaving the restaurant. He wasn't supposed to die.
Nick: No. Neither was Jessica.
Grissom: Kevin shepherd took a h*t out on his wife and something went wrong. And we may have the proof.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DOCUMENTS LAB -- DAY
(They're back in Q.D.)
Ronnie Litre: Okay, we've got the blueprint and Kevin Shepherd's credit card receipt from Andre's. Okay. Now, normally, a signature wouldn't give us much.
(RONNIE points to the restaurant receipt that reads:
05159087654359
TOTAL: $97.40
GRATUITY: $20.00
TOTAL: $117.40
SIGN: {SIGNATURE K. SHEPHERD}
SHEPHERD, KEVIN THANK YOU! PLEAES COME AGAIN! )
Ronnie Litre: But look at the "K" on the receipt. now look at the K in Kay's office. Okay? Also, look at the "S" in "SUV" and "Sunday." Now, look at the
"S" in Shepherd. Both letters are identical. He wrote both these documents.
Grissom: I think Shepherd planned the m*rder of his wife.
Nick: I'm with you. Why'd he end up d*ad?
Brass: Bad karma. Jessica and this Shepherd guy had been phoning each other day and night for the past two years. What does that tell you?
Grissom: They had a very healthy relationship.
Nick: He was cheating on his wife, Amy.
Brass: And there's more. On the night of the m*rder, after Jessica got off the phone with shepherd, she made a call.
Grissom: To who?
Cue Sound: (PRELAP) BUZZARD
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DRYING ROOM - DAY]
(SARA opens the door and walks inside. WARRICK is close behind her.)
Sara: Grissom didn't say what he was looking for, huh?
Warrick: No.
(SARA starts checking the tags, looking for something specific.)
Warrick: He just said check his clothes. Drying room. Six years in the job and it still freaks me out in here.
Sara: I think it's peaceful.
(He stops and looks at her.)
Warrick: Yeah.
(They both resume their search. WARRICK flips the tag and finds it. The tag reads: 145348-3212 / EVIDENCE / SUBJECT/ GREEN, JUSTIN".)
Warrick: Here we go. Here we go. Justin Green. The eyewitness.
(WARRICK takes out the jacket and holds it up.)
Sara: He's a suspect? When did that happen?
Warrick: Here's another thing the rain ruined -- the blood pattern on Justin's jacket.
Sara: Not the t-shirt.
(SARA looks at the blood on the clothes and finds something strange.)
Sara: Warrick ... what does that look like to you?
Warrick: That looks like a handprint.
(SARA puts her hand on her waist in an awkward position, her eyes on the T-shirt. WARRICK holds out his hand over the print.)
Warrick: Right hand. Justin's?
Sara: Wrist doesn't bend that way.
Warrick: So, it's not Justin's.
Sara: We know where Jessica's hands were.
Warrick: Holding down Kevin's feet.
Sara: And Amy Shepherd died instantly.
Warrick: So, whose handprint is that?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM holds up a transparency of a bloodied hand.)
Grissom: Kevin Shepherd's. This is a transparency of Kevin Shepherd's defense wounds.
(GRISSOM places the transparence directly over the shirt.)
Grissom: They fit perfectly over the handprint on Justin's shirt.
Sara: Justin's story was that he performed CPR on Kevin Shepherd.
Warrick: Yeah, but Kevin grabbed Justin's shirt so that means he was still breathing.
Nick: Which means he didn't need CPR.
Grissom: We just put the dagger in Justin Green's hand.
(Quick flashback to: That night. KEVIN SHEPHERD is on the ground struggling with JUSTIN GREEN. JUSTIN hits KEVIN a couple of times, KEVIN grabs JUSTIN'S shirt. JUSTIN s*ab KEVIN. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Damn it. Justin sold me a lie and I bought it.
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLAPSED BUILDING - DAY]
(CATHERINE walks out of the building and under the crime scene tape. She stops and looks at the candles, flowers and other gifts left near the sidewalk in front of the building in a make-shift memorial.)
(Above, another aircraft passes by.)
(She stops and thinks.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY]
(Camera opens on an experiment being set up. PAUL NEWSOME leans down through the glass of the experiment and looks at it.)
Paul Newsome: What are you doing?
Catherine: Proving that you're not responsible for what happened to that building.
(CATHERINE continues to set up the experiment. PAUL walks toward her and smiles.)
Paul Newsome: I'm growing on you. Aren't I?
(CATHERINE doesn't comment on that remark. She explains the experiment.)
Catherine: The damaged support column buckled. Why?
Paul Newsome: The weight of the building wasn't evenly distributed out to the load-bearing walls by the joists ...
Catherine: Good. We're on the same page. Now, I put a section of the floor assembly in the t*nk. I added a dozen or so of my daughter's rubber balls two sub-woofers ...
Paul Newsome: You put the whole thing on vibration isolators.
Catherine: Exactly. Because I suspect that sound vibrations may be the ultimate cause of the collapse.
(CATHERINE turns on the player and Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67, First Movement, allegro con brio, starts playing over the speakers.)
Paul Newsome: Are you saying Beethoven brought down the building?
Catherine: No, but, uh, maybe F-16s and whatever else they're flying out of Nellis Air Force Base.
(CATHERINE turns around and turns the volume up.)
Catherine: Now, I ramped up the decibels on the stereo to maximize the vibrations.
Paul Newsome: Now you've lost me.
(The speakers vibrate causing the experiment to vibrate. The rubber balls in the t*nk vibrate also.)
Catherine: Watch the bouncing balls.
(Quick Camera close up of the nails in the wooden beam as they start vibrating and rotating.)
Catherine: The nails are rotating. Like screws. Righty, tighty. Lefty, loosey.
Paul Newsome: Of course. Loose nails, bounce in the joists.
Catherine: Multiply that by 50 years of flybys.
(CATHERINE turns around to the player.)
(Quick flashback to: An old sepia colored view of the apartment room that segues into a black and white colored view of the apartment that dissolves into a colored view of the apartment that dissolves into another colored, more modern view of the apartment room.)
(In the background, we hear Beethoven's Symphony playing and we hear various aircraft flying above. The room continues to change and age into the present till finally the entire room collapses.)
(The ceiling falls; the walls crumble. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE turns the volume down.)
Paul Newsome: (loudly) So you're pointing the...
(The music stops.)
Paul Newsome: (normally) So you're pointing the finger at the Air force?
Catherine: No. You point one finger there's always going to be four pointing back at you. Beetles, sabotage, dry rot and time.
Paul Newsome: Am I off the hook?
Catherine: Yes.
(PAUL NEWSOME smiles and turns to look at the experiment.)
Catherine: Anything you want to say to me?
Paul Newsome: As a matter of fact, yes.
(He turns to look at CATHERINE.)
Paul Newsome: Could've saved yourself a lot of trouble by not making me a suspect in the first place.
(He smiles knowingly, then walks away.)
Catherine: You're welcome.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(GRISSOM, BRASS and the rest of the crew sit around the table.)
Grissom: Okay. Jim got us a court order for production of documents. On the left, the phone records of Kevin Shepherd, Amy Shepherd, Jessica Hall and Justin Green. On the right, their banking records.
(SARA hits the computer highlighting the transaction on the following sheet. It reads: 03/28/01 $35,000 from 17568932.)
(The Deposit Confirmation screen pops up. It's the same as shown previously.)
Sara: Wednesday. 10:02 ... Kevin transferred $35,000 to his mistress, Jessica. Wednesday 2:16 p.m. ...
Grissom: Jessica transferred the money out of her account. To Justin Green?
(Another Deposit Confirmation screen pops up. It reads:
DEPOSIT CONFIRMATION: We have initiated a deposit of Achex payment into your bank checking account. Time of deposit: 2:16 PM
Deposit Confirmation 9721
MARCH 28, 2001
Pay to the Order of: JUSTIN GREEN $35,000.00
Transfer from: JESSICA HALL 17362551 )
Sara: Yes. Deposit for $35,000.
Grissom: Well, if it was a straight-on h*t for hire Jessica would've steered clear of the crime scene.
Nick: Maybe not. In 1997, Jessica and Justin had a joint account. And they shared the same last name.
Warrick: Whew. Curveball.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the m*rder. JESSICA HALL and JUSTIN GREEN watch The SHEPHERDS have dinner.)
Brass: (V.O.) So Jessica hired her ex-husband to k*ll her boyfriend's wife.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: All in the family.
Sara: I can trump that. Sorry, Nick. Thursday, 11:09 A.M. $70,000 was transferred to Justin Green's account.
Warrick: From?
Sara: Not Jessica. Not Kevin.
Grissom: Only one left is Amy.
Warrick: Yes, that's affirmative. I can trump that. Wednesday, 3:00 P.M. Justin called Amy Shepherd.
Brass: Oh, I bet I can tell you that conversation.
(Quick flashback to: AMY SHEPHERD is standing in a parking lot on her cell phone with JUSTIN GREEN.)
Amy Shepherd: Do you really expect me to believe that?
Justin Green: Yeah. Look, you've got to know about the affair. Check his bank account. He paid out 35. You want to counter?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Amy Shepherd does the unthinkable. She doubles it.
Grissom: Why k*ll one when you and collect over 100 grand?
Brass: Makes financial sense.
Grissom: And Justin secures his double cross with an insurance policy. He eliminates the person that hired him. Jessica wasn't s*ab by accident. She was a loose end.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the m*rder. JUSTIN GREEN stands out on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette waiting for the SHEPHERDS. He inhales and sees them walk by.)
Kevin Shepherd: Eight years. People said we wouldn't last. Happy anniversary.
Amy Shepherd: Happy anniversary.
(JUSTIN sees them and flicks his cigarette away.)
(Cut to: AMY SHEPHERD stands at the car when JUSTIN comes up behind her and kills her.)
(He stands up holding the bloodied Kn*fe and walks over to KEVIN and JESSICA.)
Justin Green: It's over, man.
(JUSTIN looks at JESSICA and smiles.)
Justin Green: It's over. Look, you better split. Go call 9-1-1.
(KEVIN and JESSICA both turn around. The moment KEVIN'S back is turned, JUSTIN att*cks him and s*ab him in the back. KEVIN falls to the road. JESSICA gasps and tries to stop him.)
Jessica Hall: Stop! What are you doing?
(JUSTIN turns around and s*ab JESSICA.)
Justin Green: Shut up, you slut!
(She falls to the road. JUSTIN turns back to KEVIN.)
Justin Green: She's always going to be my wife. You're never going to have her!
(JESSICA gets up and grabs JUSTIN. He pushes her back down again.)
Justin Green: Get away from me!
(JUSTIN turns back to finish off KEVIN. JESSICA gets up and makes her way to the SUV. She picks up her bag and gets into the car.)
(As the car engine starts, JUSTIN turns to see JESSICA drive off.)
(Cut to: The Kn*fe is thrown down the gutter. JUSTIN looks around as he hears a dog barking. He sees the dog and the dog's owner standing there.)
Justin Green: (to the owner) Call an ambulance!
(JUSTIN rushes back to KEVIN and fakes giving CPR.)
(End of flashback.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM]
(BRASS and GRISSOM stand around the table in the interview room.)
Brass: Jessica took the car. You hid in plain sight, offering aid to the victim.
Grissom: Normally, when they pay to have someone k*lled they do it so they're not connected to the crime. Why was Jessica even there?
(JUSTIN doesn't say anything.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS and GRISSOM walk out of the interview room.)
Brass: (to the officer by the doorway) Timmy.
(TIMMY goes inside the room.)
Brass: The Shepherds -- to the world they looked like the perfect couple.
Grissom: You know what they say about looks.
Brass: They can be deceiving?
Grissom: They can k*ll.
(They both walk off camera frame.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x18 - $35K O.B.O."} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
WHITE FLASH TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - NIGHT]
(Camera starts on the bottom of the first floor at the base of the stairway, then slowly moves upward toward the second floor.)
(White flash to: On the second floor, the camera travels slowly down the hallway toward the bedrooms. It rounds the cover into the master bedroom where the ANDERSONS are sleeping.)
(Suddenly GWEN ANDERSON gets up. She looks out the doorway into her son's room. She gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to the nursery.)
(All the windows are open. There's a ladder set against the window frame. The wind blows the curtains.)
(GWEN ANDERSON walks up to the crib and looks inside. She finds nothing. She touches the baby sheets with both hands as if not believing her eyes. She frantically searches the tiny crib, removing the sheets where she finds a sheet of paper.)
(She picks it up and gasps as she reads it. The paper slips from her fingers back into the crib.)
(She walks over to the open window, looks out side and screams.)
Gwen Anderson: No!
(The camera pulls back downward to show the ladder leaning against the window frame.)
(STEVEN ANDERSON rushes into the nursery. He looks at his wife, then turns to look down into the crib where he finds the typewritten note. He picks it up.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(OFFICER cars are parked in the driveway. GRISSOM walks up the drive and checks in with the OFFICER at the door before walking inside. He sees The ANDERSONS in the foyer.)
Grissom: Excuse me. My name's Gil Grissom. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
Gwen Anderson: Please help us.
Grissom: I'll certainly try.
(He puts his kit down on the ground.)
Grissom: Is that the ransom note?
Steve Anderson: Yeah. They don't even say how much money they want. They just say that they'll call us in six hours.
(STEVEN hands GRISSOM the note.)
Grissom: Have you let anyone else touch this note?
(GRISSOM reads the note:
I have your son.
I don't want to harm him.
Don't make me.
I'll call in six hours with instructions.
I advise you not to call the police. )
Grissom: Police, a relative, anyone?
Steve Anderson: N-no, just us. Why?
Grissom: Well, because the person who touched it before you has your son ... and he's just left us the first piece of the puzzle.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. ANDERSON HOUSE - MORNING]
(CATHERINE closes the car door and makes her way toward the house. She meets up with BRASS who fills her in.)
Catherine: Jim, dispatch said this is a kidnapping? Divorce situation?
Brass: No papers filed. College sweethearts. Neighbors say they're the salt of the earth.
Catherine: So this could have been legitimate?
BRASS They have a security system. But they never put it on.
Catherine: They say how come?
Brass: They feel safe in the neighborhood.
Catherine: Check the premises?
Brass: Attic, wine cellar, crawl space. No four-month-old baby.
(They turn and head toward the house.)
Catherine: Nice digs.
Brass: Yeah, guy got rich off some dot-com outfit. Moved here from Oregon two years ago.
Catherine: Bet they wished they hadn't today.
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(In the kitchen, the FBI fills STEVE ANDERSON in on what he's to do when he gets the ransom call.)
Steve Anderson: Are you sure he won't hear a click or something?
FBI Man: He won't. And if he asks, you and your wife are alone. Question him about your son. Ask to hear him breathing. Anything to keep the guy talking. Understood?
(GRISSOM walks into the kitchen and listens. He looks around the place.)
Steve Anderson: I don't know. (nods) Yeah, yeah.
(GRISSOM sees an open bottle of soda out on the counter.)
Steve Anderson: Okay. Built my own business. I can handle any kind of pressure.
(GRISSOM walks over to the bottle.)
Grissom: Was this yours?
Steve Anderson: Yeah.
Grissom: May I ask when you opened it?
Steve Anderson: I don't know. Um, sometime after we called 911.
(STEVE turns back to the FBI MAN. GRISSOM looks at the bottle, then calls his attention back.)
Grissom: You mind if I, uh...?
Steve Anderson: No. Go ahead.
(GRISSOM picks up the bottle and puts his gloved hand over the mouth of the bottle. He looks around. He walks over to the temperature gauge and checks it.)
(STEVE ANDERSON watches GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You have any more of these?
Steve Anderson: In the fridge.
Grissom: Thanks.
(With his hand over the bottle, GRISSOM leaves the kitchen.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS questions GWEN ANDERSON and her two sons who sit close to each other on the couch. TYLER, the older son, holds on to ROBBIE, who is quietly playing with a phone.)
Gwen Anderson: Do my boys have to be here? I think this is hard enough for them without having to hear the facts.
Brass: I understand, but it's best for our investigation if we keep the whole family together.
Tyler Anderson: (quietly) It's okay, mom.
Brass: You were saying, Mrs. Anderson?
Gwen Anderson: Um ... I got up at 4:30, like I usually do to feed Zack. I'm still breast-feeding. And I went down to Zacky's room. I looked in his crib and he was gone. He wasn't there.
(STEVE walks into the room and takes a seat next to GWEN. GRISSOM follows into the room behind him.)
Gwen Anderson: And I felt around for him and that's when I found the letter saying that he had been taken and I ... I don't know. I-I think I screamed ...
Tyler Anderson: You screamed, mom.
Steve Anderson: I jumped out of bed and I went to her, and that's when we called 9-1-1 from the upstairs hallway.
(ROBBIE pressing the buttons of the phone he's holding.)
Robbie Anderson: Nine-1-1-1.
Tyler Anderson: Give me the phone, Robbie. Give me the phone.
Grissom: We're going to need a piece of the baby's clothing. Something from his hamper, if possible. We're going to use scent dogs throughout the neighborhood.
Steve Anderson: I'll go see what I can find.
Gwen Anderson: No, I know what he wears.
(GWEN ANDERSON stands up.)
Catherine: I'll go with you.
(CATHERINE also stands up. They leave the room.)
Grissom: I'd also like to get blood samples from each family member.
Steve Anderson: Why?
Grissom: Well, the sooner we can eliminate the expected hairs and fibers from within the household, we can begin looking for outsiders.
Tyler Anderson: Is it going to hurt?
Grissom: I hope not.
CUT TO:
[EXT. ANDERSON HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(OFFICERS open the back of the car to let the scent dogs out. SARA is near by putting on a pair of gloves. The OFFICERS with the dogs head toward the house. GRISSOM walks out of the house. He's carrying the ransom note and two bottles of soda pop.)
Grissom: Sara.
Sara: Yeah?
Grissom: Take this ransom note to Q.D.
(GRISSOM hands the note to SARA.)
Sara: Typewritten ransom note? Kidnapper was organized.
Grissom: I think it's ink-jet not typewriter.
Sara: I'll get it to questioned documents check for origination prints, the works.
Grissom: Take every computer and printer from the Anderson house with you.
Sara: You think the suspect printed the ransom note from inside the house while they were sleeping?
Grissom: I'm not thinking anything yet.
(GRISSOM takes the two soda bottles and heads for NICK.)
Grissom: Nick.
Nick: (turns around) Yo. (sees the soda bottles) No, thanks, I'm an iced tea man.
Grissom: It's not a refreshment. It's an experiment. Take this to the lab in a controlled space, 72 degrees Fahrenheit and open it. Keep this in the same room-temp space.
Nick: Okay, then what?
Grissom: Process, Nick. Process.
(GRISSOM gives the bottles to NICK, then walks past him toward WARRICK.)
Grissom: Baby's bedroom window is open and the ladder's still out there. So canvass the whole grounds from outside to in.
Warrick: I'm all over it like a cheap suit.
(WARRICK leaves to head over there. GRISSOM turns around and heads back to the house.)
Officer: (o.s.) Hey, Grissom! We have the smell dogs set up for you.
(He nods.)
(Cut to: WARRICK is near the ladder under the Nursery with a camera in his hand. He finds a shoe print in the dirt. He snaps a picture of it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - BABY ZACK'S ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM takes his kit and walks into the nursery. He looks into crib and puts his kit down. He leans over to look into the crib.)
Warrick: You see this spiderweb?
(GRISSOM starts.)
Grissom: Damn, Warrick!
(WARRICK is on the ladder outside the nursery window and apologizes.)
Warrick: I'm sorry. Your ticker okay?
Grissom: What spiderweb?
Warrick: Right here.
(They push the curtain aside to show GRISSOM the spiderweb in the corner of the window frame.)
Warrick: Kind of hard to get a baby out of a window climb onto a ladder without messing up this web, don't you think?
Grissom: Well, it could have happened after the abduction. Spiders can build one of these things in a few hours.
(WARRICK takes a picture of the spiderweb. GRISSOM turns to head back to the crib. WARRICK steps up the ladder intending to climb through the window. GRISSOM looks up and sees WARRICK.)
Grissom: Warrick? What are you doing? (He motions with his finger.) Go around.
(WARRICK heads back down the ladder.)
(GRISSOM checks the crib out and finds a strand of hair. Camera zooms in for an extreme close up.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GWEN ANDERSON walk into the laundry room. GWEN starts going through the laundry basket.)
Catherine: Oh, you're right on the golf course. That must be nice.
Gwen Anderson: Steve likes it. I never cared for the game.
(GWEN finds a jumper and pulls it out of the basket. She sighs.)
Gwen Anderson: That one's my favorite but Zacky, he, uh ... he liked another one. Here it is.
(She takes it out and shows it to CATHERINE. She chuckles.)
Gwen Anderson: There's a little spit-up on it. He liked the way the fabric felt on his skin.
(She puts the outfit to her face and inhales. She stops, then looks down at her shirt to see her milk leaking.)
Gwen Anderson: Oh, god.
Catherine: It's okay. It used to happen to me with my daughter if I didn't get to her right on time.
(GWEN tries to wipe up the mess as she cries.)
Gwen Anderson: I can't believe this is happening to us.
(CATHERINE puts a supporting hand on her shoulder.)
Catherine: I'll get this to our guys.
(CATHERINE leaves the laundry room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - NURSERY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM finds another strand of hair in the crib. He puts it in a bindle.)
(WARRICK walks into the room.)
Warrick: What you got?
Grissom: Two hairs, separate and distinctive.
(GRISSOM hands the bindles to WARRICK.)
Warrick: Ah. The plot thickens.
(GRISSOM walks around the room. He notices something.)
Grissom: You smell something?
(WARRICK smells and sees something.)
Warrick: I smell these dirty diapers over here.
(GRISSOM kneels down in front of the window.)
Grissom: It's like a household cleanser. There's a pine smell.
Warrick: Probably used to clean that diaper pail.
Grissom: No, it's stronger than that.
(GRISSOM puts his nose to the carpet.)
Grissom: It's emanating from this specific spot.
(GRISSOM opens his kit and tests for blood. It shows positive.)
Warrick: Baby was k*lled before it even left the house. Guy tried to cover his tracks.
(GRISSOM and WARRICK both look at the open window.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - QUESTIONED DOCUMENTS LAB - DAY]
(SARA leans over the table, arguing with RONNIE LITRE.)
Sara: What do you mean you haven't checked for prints? It's a ransom letter.
Ronnie Litre: Everything in the proper order. You know that. I got five other tests I got to run on this paper before I try to isolate prints.
Sara: You got anything for me?
Ronnie Litre: Yeah. The paper's expensive. High rag count.
Sara: I could have told you that.
Ronnie Litre: Can you explain these three small vertical dots?
(On the overhead, he shows SARA what he's talking about.)
Sara: What? Where?
Ronnie Litre: The printer that emitted this letter has a spot on the drum.
Sara: A drum goes around three times to print one page.
(Quick flash to: Close up of the drum of a printer turning as the paper goes through leaving behind three small dots on the sheet.)
Sara: So if the Andersons' printer was used ...
Ronnie Litre: There'd be three small dots on any paper that comes out.
Sara: No vertical dots.
Ronnie Litre: And different paper than the ransom letter F.Y.I.
(SARA makes a face at RONNIE.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ANDERSON HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY]
(GRISSOM and WARRICK stand outside the nursery window.)
Warrick: Yeah, this mold I made of that shoe print matches the gardener's boot that I found in the shed over there.
Grissom: Yeah, well, we need to look for what's out of place.
Warrick: And a gardener's boot in a garden is not out of place. Well, the Andersons did say the guy's been out of town on vacation for the last three days.
(GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Grissom: (to phone) Grissom.
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(SARA walks through the hallway.)
Sara: Ransom note's not from the Anderson's printer or paper supply.
Grissom: You're breaking up.
Sara: The Andersons are clear. Whoever wrote the letter did it from a different location and brought it with them.
Grissom: Are you standing next to the copy machine outside ballistics?
Sara: You want me to check ballistics?
Grissom: No. I want you to move away from that machine. Look, check all the printers at Steve Anderson's company.
(In the background out on the golf course, the dogs bark loudly. WARRICK looks up at the commotion.)
Grissom: (to phone) Get Q.D. To help you with a warrant. Target all immediate coworkers and disgruntled employees first.
(WARRICK motions for GRISSOM to follow him as he heads toward the sound of the dogs. GRISSOM puts the phone down, his attention on the dogs.)
(Even SARA can hear the dogs barking over the phone.)
Sara: Are those our dogs? Grissom? Grissom!
(GRISSOM and WARRICK start running toward the commotion. GRISSOM tucks the phone into his pocket.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. GOLF COURSE - CONTINUOUS]
(Out on the golf course, the dogs bark frantically. They lead the OFFICERS to a cluster of bushes under the tree. WARRICK and GRISSOM run to the bushes.)
Warrick: Get those dogs back. Get them back!
(WARRICK and GRISSOM find the baby d*ad in the center of the bushes, his body wrapped carefully in a blanket. The officers also reach the site.)
(The TECH takes a step forward to start taking picture of the scene. GRISSOM stops him.)
Grissom: Stand back.
CSI Tech: We got to have pictures. The coroner will be all over us.
Grissom: (angry) I'll get the pictures!
(GRISSOM grabs the camera and takes the pictures ... of his foot, of his face. He kneels down and takes more pictures.)
(WARRICK starts to put on his gloves. Finished, he hands the camera back to the CSI TECH. The CORONER steps forward to take the body. GRISSOM immediately stops him.)
Grissom: I'm going to take him.
(Everyone doesn't say anything.)
[CAMERA IN SLOW MOTION]
(Over the hill, CATHERINE runs toward the scene. Behind her are GWEN and STEVE ANDERSON.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM picks up the baby.)
Gwen Anderson: (o.s.) My baby! Oh, my god!
(CATHERINE turns around and stops GWEN ANDERSON from running toward the scene.)
(With the baby in his arms, GRISSOM takes a couple steps forward. He looks up and sees GWEN ANDERSON beside herself while CATHERINE and STEVE try to calm her down.)
Gwen Anderson: It's my baby! My baby! My baby!
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - LAB - DAY]
(WARRICK takes the sample of hair from the nursery and checks it under the scope. While he works, he listens to the news report on the television set.)
Paula Francis: (on television set) The Andersons, who own a profitable internet company in Las Vegas, are said to be devastated by the death of little Zachary. As for leads, the police will only say they have widened the investigation to include employees of Steve Anderson's company. Immediate coworkers are being asked to give DNA samples. By all accounts, the employees are complying voluntarily. One of them is quoted as saying "anything to help Mr. and Mrs. Anderson in their time of grief."
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over his findings with GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I can't give you exact time of death, but I do know cause of death was asphyxiation.
Grissom: He was smothered.
Dr. Albert Robbins: (nods) The retinal hemorrhages are the result of intercranial pressure from an edema. The edema was caused by an acute lack of oxygen.
Grissom: Smothered how? Did you find hand marks? Trauma around the mouth or nose?
Dr. Albert Robbins: No.
Grissom: He was in a blanket when I found him ... wrapped pretty tight.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Positional asphyxiation? Maybe. Abductor might've tried to protect him from the cold. Suffocated him by mistake. I'm going to run tests on a microscopic fiber I found in his throat.
(DR. ROBBINS picks up a fiber from the side to show to GRISSOM. Camera zooms in for a close up.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: But I don't think his death was benign, Gil. Or accidental. Sternum was cracked. X rays say the fracture is fresh. Manhandled and suffocated. This little guy didn't have a chance.
(ROBBINS turns to look at GRISSOM after he doesn't get a response from him.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks rapidly through the hallway. He sees SARA with a tech helping her carry the prints into the lab.)
Grissom: Are those from Anderson's company?
Sara: Yeah. There's like 200 of them in that place. I'm going to test them against the ransom note, one by one.
Grissom: You got homicide's list of disgruntled employees?
Sara: Not yet. They're still working on it.
Grissom: (angry) You call homicide back and tell them to get us that list now.
(GRISSOM turns and continues down the hallway leaving a stunned SARA behind. He sees WARRICK walking by with a file folder in his hand.)
Grissom: Hey.
(WARRICK stops to talk with GRISSOM.)
Warrick: Hey.
Grissom: Where are we on those DNA samples?
Warrick: I got the hair samples from the baby's crib ready for comparison.
Grissom: Yeah? So answer my question.
Warrick: Well, DNA's jammed. Sanders says he'll get to the blood comparisons ...
(GRISSOM heads for the DNA LAB leaving WARRICK mid sentence.)
Warrick: ... as soon as ...
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GREG is in the quiet lab sitting at the table working.)
Grissom: I hear you're backlogged.
Greg Sanders: Twenty "unknowns" from some drug sh**t-out. FBI special request. Sheriff told me to clear it off my counter before I do anything else.
Grissom: These?
Greg Sanders: Yeah. You can almost smell Quantico, you know?
(GRISSOM grabs the paperwork in front of GREG and puts it aside on the cart with all the samples on it. He then pushes the car out the door and into the hallway where it stops when it hits the wall.)
(Everyone stops as they see the cart.)
(NICK steps out into the hallway to see what's up.)
Grissom: (to GREG) There. Now they're off your counter.
(GREG doesn't say anything. He nods. GRISSOM takes out a file folder and the samples.)
Grissom: Zachary Anderson, DOB 01-23-01. Date of death, three hours ago. Until we find out how and why ...
(GRISSOM puts the tray full of blood samples from the ANDERSON case in front of GREG.)
Grissom: ... this is the only case you work on.
Greg Sanders: Yes, sir.
(GRISSOM steps out of the lab. In the Hallway, NICK and SARA watch.)
Nick: Never seen him like this before.
(NICK heads in one direction. Concerned, SARA heads to go find GRISSOM.)
(She turns the corner and sees him walking through the hallway.)
Sara: Grissom?
(He turns around, still angry.)
Grissom: What?
(SARA walks right up to him and talks softly.)
Sara: You told me a few weeks ago that nothing is personal. No victim should be special.
(GRISSOM stops as he definitely remembers telling SARA that back in 1X16: Too Tough to Die. SARA pauses.)
Sara: Everyone follows your lead.
Grissom: Everyone didn't find that baby. I did. And that little boy is d*ad because someone lost their temper or screwed up, or god knows what. So, excuse me, but this victim is special.
(GRISSOM turns to leave and finds himself facing CATHERINE.)
Catherine: (quietly) Mr. and Mrs. Anderson are calling. They want to know why you refuse to release the body for burial. They said that you gave the coroner strict instructions.
(He sighs.)
Grissom: You better drive.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
Catherine: Sure.
(CATHERINE looks up at SARA. The two share a look. She then turns to follow GRISSOM. Camera holds on SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE explain the situation to The ANDERSONS.)
Grissom: I'm very sorry, but we have to preserve the evidence in a case like this. And, as difficult as this sounds, Zachary is evidence.
Catherine: We need to refer to him as the case unfolds.
Gwen Anderson: Well, do you have any leads? Any idea who did this?
Grissom: Your child was found five hundred yards from your back door, in clean clothes wrapped in a white blanket, laid carefully under a statuary.
Catherine: A stranger wouldn't treat a victim like that.
Steve Anderson: You think we had something to do with this?
Grissom: The FBI tells us that you never received a call from the abductor. What kind of a kidnapper forgets to call the family?
Catherine: A wealthy family.
Steve Anderson: My lawyer warned me that you were going to try this. (angrily shouts) You don't have a suspect so now you're going to come after us.
Grissom: But you have nothing to hide.
Steve Anderson: (yells) You're damn right we don't!
(There's a light knock on the door. WARRICK walks into the house carrying an envelope.)
Warrick: I thought I'd deliver this in person. DNA came back on the entire family.
(GRISSOM looks at the results.)
Grissom: The blood we found in the baby's room ... It belongs to your son Tyler.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview TYLER ANDERSON with his parents sitting beside him.)
Tyler Anderson: I was playing ball in the backyard and I cracked Zacky's window. Dad had told me not to h*t the ball towards the house. So I went up and replaced the window before anyone got home and I cut my finger on the glass.
Grissom: And you wiped up the blood with some type of pine cleanser.
Tyler Anderson: I thought I got it all.
Grissom: Let's go back a second, Tyler. You said that you baby-sat for Robbie and Zack last night, right?
Tyler Anderson: I told the police that this morning.
(BRASS walks into the room and closes the door.)
Steve Anderson: We had a homeowner's association vote meeting. It was just five doors up from our house.
Gwen Anderson: I had, uh ... I had made dinner and then Steve and I walked up to the clubhouse. We were gone maybe 30 minutes, until 9:00.
Brass: We contacted the Association. The story checks out. I also did a background search. Tyler has quite a temper on him, don't you, Ty?
Tyler Anderson: What?
Brass: You were expelled from school twice last year for physical altercation.
Steve Anderson: That was schoolyard stuff.
Catherine: b*at up a 12-year-old in the school stairwell.
Tyler Anderson: He made fun of my mother. I wasn't going to let him get away with that.
Brass: Your brother Zack say something you didn't like you weren't going to let him get away with either?
(TYLER surges to his feet.)
Tyler Anderson: (shouts angrily) Don't talk about my brother that way, you bastard!
(STEVE gets to his feet.)
Steve Anderson: Sit down! Now.
Gwen Anderson: He's, uh ... he's upset. He is not usually like this.
Tyler Anderson: (whispers) People are calling us K*llers. And I miss my little brother.
Grissom: That still doesn't mean you didn't k*ll him.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. ANDERSON HOUSE - DAY]
(The front door opens. CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the foyer.)
Catherine: So what are we looking for?
Grissom: I don't know.
Catherine: Well, let's start up and work our way down.
(CATHERINE heads up the stairs. GRISSOM follows her.
(Cut to: [TYLER'S BEDROOM] CATHERINE looks through the shelves. She finishes and looks around.)
(Cut to: [MASTER BEDROOM] GRISSOM opens the closet door and looks inside.)
(Cut to: [TYLER'S BEDROOM] CATHERINE checks the bedside table and under the bed where she finds several magazines for PLAYPEN, BOUDOIR.)
(Cut to: [MASTER BEDROOM] GRISSOM finds a pair of stockings on the shelf in STEVE'S closet. The stockings has green stains on them.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE opens the cabinet doors and looks inside. She finds an empty plastic storage wrapper for a white Baby Blanket, 100% Egyptian Cotton. Made in the U.S.A.)
(Cut to: [KITCHEN] GRISSOM opens the various cabinets. He looks and finds a roll of white plastic trash bags. He looks at the ripped edges. Camera zooms in for a close up of the edges. He reaches for a bag to put the roll into.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB - DAY]
(NICK explains his experiment findings to GRISSOM.)
Nick: Here's the father's bottle of cola -- here's the unknown. I duplicated conditions and monitored the pressure that escaped from the father's bottle which he told you had been open two hours against one I know was open two hours. Kept this log. Pressure released every quarter hour.
(GRISSOM looks at NICK'S notes.)
Grissom: Good, Nick.
(NICK nods.)
Grissom: Did you find any ethanol on the lip of that bottle?
Nick: Well, I've got trace running tests now, but I did an unscientific whiff test.
(NICK passes the bottle under his nose to illustrate.)
Nick: Picked up a hint of some kind of booze.
Grissom: Call me when you get the results.
(GRISSOM hands NICK the bag with the nylons inside.)
Grissom: See if they can find out what this green substance is on these nylons I found in Mr. Anderson's closet.
Nick: I'll take a swatch, get it back to you ASAP.
(GRISSOM leaves the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(GRISSOM is looking at the prints under the magnifying glass. He's in the lab with SARA.)
Grissom: The mother's prints ... the father's prints ... and a set of unknowns.
Sara: They're not unknown.
(Surprised, GRISSOM turns to look at SARA.)
Sara: I ran them against the employees of Steve Anderson's computer company disgruntled and otherwise. They belong to a Needra Fenway.
Grissom: And who is Needra Fenway?
Sara: Steve's secretary.
(SARA turns around and points to the printer on the counter behind them.)
Sara: So, of course, I checked out her printer. As I'm sure you know, all printers have their own unique signature.
(She shows GRISSOM the marks on the paper.)
Sara: These three ... tiny vertical dots from Needra's printer match the ransom note perfectly.
(GRISSOM turns to look at SARA who smiles. She looks at GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(GRISSOM sits down across from NEEDRA FENWAY. She pulls the coffee cup closer to her.)
Needra Fenway: Thank you.
Grissom: Thank you for coming in.
Needra Fenway: Anything I can do to help. You know, it's ... it's just terrible what happened.
Brass: Maybe you can explain why your printer was used to create the ransom note found in the Anderson home.
Needra Fenway: What?
Grissom: We have evidence that this came from your printer.
(GRISSOM puts piece of paper on the table in front of her.)
Needra Fenway: There are 500 people who work in that office. Anyone could have used my printer.
Grissom: We also found a strand of hair. Our lab has matched it to you.
Brass: From the Anderson home.
Needra Fenway: I'm Steven's secretary. I go there.
Grissom: Do you go upstairs? 'Cause that's where we found this particular hair.
(She doesn't say anything. But CATHERINE knows.)
Catherine: You two were having an affair.
Needra Fenway: We ended it.
Catherine: Because his wife got pregnant?
Needra Fenway: I'm not going down this road.
Catherine: What? A new baby screw up the office romance?
Needra Fenway: It was more than just an office romance, okay? Much more.
Catherine: Yeah. Well, a lot of women would understand if you went over there and ... got rid of that baby.
Brass: Sure. Quickest way to end a guy's marriage.
Needra Fenway: Okay, I need a lawyer. Is that it? Is that what you're saying here?
(No one says anything. NEEDRA sighs, then grabs her bag. She stands up to leave. GRISSOM stops her. He takes out the bag with the nylons in it.)
Grissom: Are these your nylons? I found these hidden in the back of Mr. Anderson's closet. So, did you come to him after you disposed of the baby and ask him to hide them for you?
Needra Fenway: Talk to Steve.
(NEEDRA walks out of the room.)
Catherine: Steve asked her to get out from underneath the obligation of a newborn?
Brass: Geez. Haven't these people ever heard of divorce?
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOTEL - NEAR THE POOL - DAY]
(GRISSOM questions STEVE ANDERSON near the side of the pool.)
Steve Anderson: Needra didn't k*ll Zack any more than I did.
Grissom: How do you explain her hair in the baby's crib?
(STEVE looks across the other side of the pool where GWEN and the children are. He turns back to GRISSOM.)
Steve Anderson: We broke up the day that I learned that Gwen was pregnant with Zack. I love Needra but I love my family more. Needra asked if she could see Zack after he was born to help her kind of accept the reality. So, I had her in last Saturday to watch him sleep.
(Quick flashback to: In the nursery, NEEDRA stands over the crib. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Steve Anderson: Gwen had the kids at skating. Needra was out of the house in
15 minutes. You don't believe me.
Grissom: You've lied to me before.
Steve Anderson: About what?
Grissom: You told me that you opened that cola bottle the morning you reported Zack missing. We had a test done. You opened that bottle six hours before you said you did -- the night before -- somewhere around 11:00 P.M. The lab is still testing it. I also believe that you cut it with alcohol.
Steve: Rum and cola. What does that prove?
Grissom: Was Needra Fenway in your house that night? Did you catch her suffocating your son?
(Quick flashback to: In the nursery, NEEDRA stands over the crib smothering the baby as he cries. STEVE and GWEN both rush into the room.)
Steve Anderson: What are you doing?
(STEVE pulls NEEDRA off of ZACK. GWEN checks up on him.)
Gwen Anderson: What have you done?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Steve Anderson: That's not how it happened.
Grissom: Well, why don't you tell me how it happened.
(Across the pool, a glass shatters.)
Gwen Anderson: Robbie, what did you do?
Robbie Anderson: (crying) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Gwen Anderson: All right, I heard you.
(GWEN cleans up the mess.)
Steve Anderson: Do we have to have this conversation right now?
(A woman reporter walks up to them.)
Las Vegas Post Reporter (woman): Mr. Anderson?
Steve Anderson: What? Yeah?
Las Vegas Post Reporter (woman): I'm from the Las Vegas Post. How do you feel about these pictures your secretary sold to the Midnight Informer this afternoon?
(She hands STEVE ANDERSON some photographs of him with NEEDRA FENWAY.)
Steve Anderson: Where did you get these?
Las Vegas Post Reporter (woman): The tabloid's web site. Needra sold them to pay for her legal fees.
(STEVE looks across the pool over at GWEN.)
Las Vegas Post Reporter (woman): Mr. Anderson?
Steve Anderson: (after a long moment) My only comment is that I love my wife very much.
(GRISSOM puts his head down and rubs his forehead.)
(The LAS VEGAS POST REPORTER walks away. She heads for GWEN ANDERSON.)
Las Vegas Post Reporter (woman): Excuse me. I'm from the Las Vegas Post. Can I ask you a few questions?
(She holds out the photos in front of GWEN. GWEN barely glances at it, her eyes on STEVE sitting across the pool.)
Gwen: No.
(The Reporter walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAKROOM - DAY]
(In the breakroom, GRISSOM and CATHERINE discuss the case with DR. PHILLIP KANE.)
Catherine: A wife kills her baby to get back at her husband over his affair. Come on. Any woman would go after the husband, not the baby.
Dr. Phillip Kane: True. But, in some instances women have been known to k*ll their children as a way to pay back a spouse. Particularly if it's over an affair and particularly if the child was a male child.
Catherine: Well, I don't buy it. I just don't buy it, doctor. She really loved that baby.
Dr. Phillip Kane: Well, Catherine that's why she's in this much pain now.
Catherine: A guy cheats, but the wife commits m*rder. How come moms always end up the bad guy with you Freud types?
Brass: That's because this mother is the bad guy.
(Everyone turns to listen to BRASS, who just walked into the room.)
Brass: CNN just dug up a 13-year-old charge against Gwen Anderson. I heard it on the car radio.
Grissom: What kind of charge?
Brass: It's called shaken baby syndrome. The oldest boy-- Tyler? When he was a newborn she shook him so hard they had to go to the hospital. She shook the kid unconscious.
Catherine: Is this authentic?
Brass: Yeah. They were on the phone with the arresting officer from Oregon. He faxed me this report. Our grieving mother ... her record for child abuse.
(BRASS hands the file to GRISSOM in front of a shocked CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- NIGHT]
(The car door opens and BRAD LEWIS exits the car before GWEN ANDERSON. There's a large crowd in front of the entrance consisting of various reporters and curious onlookers. Cameras flash as they make their way toward the front door.)
(GRISSOM exits the front of the building to help.)
(People push their way toward her. GRISSOM pushes out and grabs GWEN ANDERSON and guides her toward the front door.)
Reporter (man): Baby k*ller!
Female Parent: You should die! FEMALE PARENT: You call yourself a mother? FEMALE PARENT: You're the worst!
Male Parent: Baby k*ller! MALE PARENT: Someone should take those other kids from you!
(On the way to the door, Someone pushing toward them knocks into GRISSOM and hits him in the eye.)
Male Media: Did you k*ll Zachary over your husband's affair? Did you act alone or did Tyler help?
Female Parent: Baby k*ller! Bitch! k*ller! You deserve to die!
(GWEN ANDERSON and BRAD LEWIS make it to the front door. A reporter stops GRISSOM.)
Reporter (man): Gil Grissom!
(GRISSOM turns around.)
Reporter (man): You found the baby. How hard is it for you to look at Gwen Anderson?
Grissom: (upset) Let me tell you something. People are presumed innocent ... innocent until a court of law can examine all the evidence and prove otherwise. Until then everything else is ... gossip.
(Done, GRISSOM heads into the building.)
WOMan In Crowd: She deserves to be put in jail! REPORTER: Gil Grissom. Gil Grissom!
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE presses an ice pack to GRISSOM'S bruised eye.)
Catherine: Ice.
Grissom: (grumbling) I don't need this.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE sit in the hallway. GRISSOM takes off the ice pack from his eye.)
Catherine: Just do it.
(GRISSOM puts the pack back against his eye.)
Catherine: That was quite a speech you made out there, but between you me and the water fountain ... you think that Gwen Anderson's innocent?
(GRISSOM puts the pack down, surprised by CATHERINE'S question.)
Grissom: What? Are you changing teams now? You've been her biggest supporter.
Catherine: I still am. I'm just ... taking your temperature.
(GRISSOM puts the pack back against his eye. The door opens and BRASS walks out.)
Brass: Hey. We're up.
(They stand up and head to the interview room.)
Catherine: You didn't answer my question.
Grissom: You're right. I didn't.
(GRISSOM throws ice bag in trash can.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
Gwen Anderson: I never meant to hurt Tyler. You have to understand.
Grissom: You shook him unconscious.
Gwen Anderson: He was choking.
Brass: All on his own?
Brad Lewis: Change your tone or I'll end this right now.
Brass: Well, it's a legitimate question. But I have to work on my tone. You're right. (clears his throat) I'll try again. All on his own?
Catherine: Go ahead, Mrs. Anderson.
Gwen Anderson: He had gotten food in his windpipe. His face was ... turning red. Steve was at work. So, I, I patted him on his back and-and on ... and on his stomach and finally, I turned him upside down and I started shaking him to get the food out ... to ... to dislodge it, and I did. But I realized that I had hurt him, so I called 911.
Brad Lewis: She was a new mother -- 23 years old. If she'd meant to harm her son why would she call 911?
Grissom: Did the E.R. find proof that there was food lodged in Tyler's throat?
Brad Lewis: No. That's why the police were called in. And by the time my client went home and found the chewed food on the kitchen floor it was all too late. She was branded.
Gwen Anderson: It was a french fry. He'd grabbed it from my plate.
Brad Lewis: As for the death of little Zachary, my client categorically denies any involvement. She's a victim of an intruder who entered her home and abducted and k*lled her child. Thank you all for your continued efforts to find the real k*ller.
(BRAD LEWIS moves to stand up. GRISSOM stops them.)
Grissom: Did you know that your golf course paints its grass?
Gwen Anderson: Excuse me?
Grissom: It's actually a vegetable dye. Biodegradable. They've been using green dye on television tournaments for several years.
Brad Lewis: What's your point?
Grissom: I found a pair of nylons in the back of your husband's closet.
Brass: We, uh we have a receipt that links them to your client.
Grissom: The exact same dye from the golf course where Zachary was laid to rest is on your nylons.
Brad Lewis: She belongs to the club. Grass stains.
Catherine: But she doesn't play golf. Remember our conversation, Mrs. Anderson? It's not your game?
(GWEN ANDERSON doesn't say anything.)
Brad Lewis: If you arrest her now ... you have 48 hours to charge her. You really want to show your hand at the arraignment?
Brass: (stands up) We'll be in touch.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT]
(GWEN ANDERSON walks up to the car where STEVE is carrying ROBBIE who has his arms out for mommy. TYLER stands behind them.)
Steve Anderson: Look. ROBBIE ANDERSON: Mommy, I want my mommy.
(GWEN walks up to them and instead of taking ROBBIE from STEVE, she walks around them to the car.)
Gwen Anderson: Hey. Can we just go, please? TYLER ANDERSON: What's going on?
(Standing near the window watching them, CATHERINE and GRISSOM are both surprised by what they just saw.)
Catherine: Did you see that?
Grissom: A mother repelled by her young.
Catherine: She didn't seem like that type to me.
(Outside, GWEN is in the car. STEVE hands ROBBIE over to TYLER.)
Steve Anderson: All right, okay. Here, go to your brother.
(CATHERINE turns to leave the window.)
Catherine: I'll catch you later. I want to hear that 911 tape.
(GRISSOM remains by the window watching. On her way out, CATHERINE passes SARA who walks toward GRISSOM.)
Sara: Hi.
Catherine: Hey.
Sara: Grissom?
(GRISSOM turns around.)
Sara: The coroner's been trying to reach you.
Grissom: Did he nail time of death?
Sara: 9:00 P.M., But, uh, there's something else. He isolated the fiber found in Zachary Anderson's throat. It's a flame-ret*rd material -- generic name's metaramid.
Grissom: From the baby's clothes?
Sara: f*re-ret*rd infant's clothes are made out of vinyon. The fiber found in Zack's throat is a stronger chemical treatment. It's found in things that are made to be near f*re and flames.
(Something occurs to GRISSOM and he quickly turns and heads out the hallway. SARA sees him leave and quickly follows.)
Sara: (eagerly) Hey, can I go with you?
CUT TO:
[EXT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
[INT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM opens the door and heads into the kitchen. SARA follows. GRISSOM checks the drawers looking for something. SARA also starts checking the drawers.)
(GRISSOM pulls out a towel, then tosses it on the counter.)
(He opens the next drawer and stops. He's found it. The pot holders. SARA looks at them.)
Sara: Same color as the fiber in Zack's throat.
(GRISSOM looks at SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and WARRICK work on the 911 tapes.)
Warrick: Okay, this is the 911 call from the Anderson house at 4:30 A.M.
Steve Anderson: (from tape) Our baby has been kidnapped. 493 Fairmark. Please hurry.
Catherine: Mrs. Anderson wasn't there?
Warrick: You wouldn't think so but I went ahead and separated out any underlying voices.
Gwen Anderson: (hysterical) What are we going to do?!
Warrick: She was standing, like, two meters from the phone.
Catherine: Yeah, well, it's a legitimate comment. Doesn't make her guilty of anything.
Warrick: I know, so I checked to see if she was, like, faking her concern. This program measures the stress level of the speakers.
Gwen Anderson: (from tape) Oh, god, what are we going to do?!
(WARRICK points to the results on the monitor of the 911 call from: Las Vegas, NV 89109 for (702) 555-0133.)
Warrick: The stress is real.
Catherine: Are you familiar with the JonBenet case?
Warrick: A little.
Catherine: Well, the police went back, and they found an earlier call that was placed from the home to 911 and the audio tests separated out the son's voice. Now, I'm not saying that Tyler's our guy, but ... we need to check into every avenue.
Warrick: Well, I did backtrack and there were no other calls that night from the Anderson house-- from the land line, or from the cell phone.
Catherine: In the parents' name, but did you look under Tyler's? I mean, a rich kid like that's probably got a cell phone.
Warrick: Yeah. All right, I'll get into it.
(CATHERINE'S phone rings. She answers it.)
Catherine: Hello.
Grissom: (from phone) Anderson's attorney. Seven a.m.
Catherine: 7:00 A.M.? I'll be there.
Grissom: (from phone) Bring all the evidence.
Catherine: Yeah. I'll bring it all. Thanks.
(CATHERINE stands up and leaves the room. She waves to WARRICK as she goes.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - MORNING]
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- MORNING]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the large conference room.)
Brad Lewis: My colleagues, Messrs. Landry and Frank are representing Steve and Tyler Anderson respectively. Although we're not co-counsel in the strictest sense we've agreed the authorities should have no more than three questions to put to our clients each. After that, we'll accept written submissions only.
Catherine: Nice ... what money can buy.
Steve Anderson: My family is done being railroaded by you people so just ask your questions, and let's go.
Grissom: I don't have any questions. We know what happened in your house the night Zachary died. We've interpreted the evidence.
Catherine: All right, let's work backwards starting with the cover-up. Sometime around 11:00 P.M. the night of the kidnapping you and Mr. Anderson had a drink -- rum and cola ...
(Quick flashback to: That night. STEVE ANDERSON pours himself a drink. He drinks and rests his elbows on the counter top trying to think.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... and decided what to do with the body of Zachary.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: We have yet to determine whether or not his death was accidental or intentional.
Grissom: The question documents lab thinks that a parent wrote the ransom note because there's no money amount.
(He shows them a photocopy of the ransom note.)
Grissom: Too hard to put a price on your own son?
Catherine: Mrs. Anderson, while your husband was writing the ransom note, you wrapped Zachary's body in a blanket that you got from the upstairs linen closet.
(Quick flashback to: GWEN ANDERSON opens the linen closet door and gets a blanket out. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: You then laid his body to rest near a statue on the golf course.
(Quick flashback to: GWEN ANDERSON carries the baby to the statue on the golf course. She kneels down in the grass. Camera close up of her knee on the grass. She puts the baby down, placing him carefully on the grass. She cries and slowly backs away. She leaves. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: That's how you got the grass stains on your nylons.
(GRISSOM hands over a photo to BRAD LEWIS to look at.)
Catherine: You put down a plastic bag from the pantry so that he'd remain dry. Evidence of genuine care and concern.
(TYLER turns to look at his mom who is slowly falling apart at hearing the story recounted for them.)
Catherine: And Mr. Anderson you put up a ladder outside the window.
Grissom: The only shoe prints we found were yours and the gardener's and the gardener has been out of town. You then drove over to your office and cranked off a ransom note on the first available printer ...
(Quick flashback to: STEVE ANDERSON is in the office printing out the ransom note.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... possibly thinking that if you used a printer from outside your house, we wouldn't be able to trace it.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: But these three dots ... have given you away.
(GRISSOM hands over the photo to BRAD LEWIS.)
Brad Lewis: This may prove cover-up. None of it proves they k*lled Zachary.
Grissom: You're right, counselor. Zachary's life was taken much earlier in the evening. The coroner estimated time of death at 9:00 P.M.
Brad Lewis: Estimated. It could be 8:30.
Grissom: Yes. While Robbie and Zachary were in Tyler's care.
(GRISSOM turns to look at TYLER. GWEN sees where this is heading.)
Grissom: You said that we could ask three questions each. Am I right?
Gwen Anderson: Stop. Ty didn't do this.
Brad Lewis: Don't give them anything.
Gwen: No, no. It doesn't matter. We're already ruined. Look, they're just ... they're just trying to protect me, all right?
Brad Lewis: Please.
Gwen Anderson: And I can't go on.
Brad Lewis: (warning) Mrs. Anderson.
Gwen Anderson: I k*lled him. I came home. Tyler h-h-hadn't put Zachary to bed because he ... he was crying, and I wanted to hush him up and, and I just ... I went too far.
Brad Lewis: For the record my client made this statement against legal counsel.
Grissom: Would you tell us ... how you k*lled him.
Gwen Anderson: I smothered him with a pot holder. And that's when Steve and I came up with the kidnap story.
Steve Anderson: It was the longest night of our lives.
Catherine: You had to wait till morning to report him missing.
Gwen Anderson: So that it wouldn't look suspicious. And you may not believe me, but I loved him. I loved him very, very much.
Grissom: We're going to have to have them both arrested.
(BRAD LEWIS nods.)
(GWEN and STEVE look at each other.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. CSI -HALLWAY - DAY]
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the hallway WARRICK walks out and is surprised to see them back so soon.)
Warrick: I was just coming to meet you guys. I thought you were at the Andersons.
Grissom: We're done. She copped.
Warrick: What?
Catherine: Guilty people do that when you corner them with evidence.
Warrick: Guys, the mother didn't do it.
Grissom: What?
Warrick: Listen.
(WARRICK hands GRISSOM the earphones. GRISSOM puts them on and listens to the tape.)
Tyler Anderson: (from tape) What did you do, Robbie?! What did you do?!
(GRISSOM looks at WARRICK, surprised. WARRICK nods his head.)
CUT TO:
[INT. BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY]
(They re-question TYLER ANDERSON with STEVE ANDERSON sitting next to him.)
Tyler: I was watching the boys. I had my eye on them; I did.
(Quick flashback to: ROBBIE is leaning over the crib. He has the pot holder in his hand and holds it over ZACHARY. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM flips through the file.)
Grissom: Yeah. But then you called your girlfriend.
Tyler Anderson: And we got to talking.
(Quick flashback to: TYLER ANDERSON on the phone. End of flashback.)
Tyler Anderson: And I was kind of ignoring Zack and Robbie.
(BRASS glances over at ROBBIE who is playing with a toy and under the watchful eye of the OFFICER.)
Tyler Anderson: They were being quiet. They were behaving. I turned around, and I saw how still he was.
(Quick flashback to: TYLER turns around and looks over at the crib where ROBBIE is playing. He walks over to the crib to check up on the kids.)
Tyler Anderson: (V.O.) I ran to him, and he was d*ad.
(He looks inside the crib and finds that ZACH isn't moving. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: And that's when you called 911.
(TYLER nods. STEVE turns to look at TYLER.)
(Quick flashback to: TYLER dialing the phone frantically. ROBBIE stands in front of TYLER, unaware of what's going on. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: But you must have dropped the phone to tend to Zack.
(GRISSOM reaches for the tape player.)
(Quick flashback to the phone falling to the floor.)
Operator: (V.O.) 911.
Tyler Anderson: (on tape) What did you do, Robbie?!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Quick flashback to: TYLER looks into the crib, down at ZACH. He turns and yells at ROBBIE.)
Tyler Anderson: What did you do?
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: And I guess somewhere in the chaos you got disconnected. Soon after that, your parents arrived.
(Quick flashback to: GWEN and STEVE walk into the house and find TYLER trying to revive ZACH.)
Gwen Anderson: Oh, my god. What happened?
(GWEN rushes over. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: One of you worked on him so hard that you cracked his sternum.
(STEVE sighs.)
Tyler Anderson: He was already blue. I pushed. I tried to breathe air into him, but he was gone.
Steve Anderson: We did everything that we could.
Brass: Why didn't you just tell the truth?
Steve Anderson: We wanted to protect Robbie. (his voice breaks) We didn't want him to grow up with the stigma of ... "the boy who k*lled his brother."
Grissom: He's three. He's clinically unaware of his actions. No court would hold him accountable for that.
Steve Anderson: But everybody else would know. It would follow him the rest of his life. And my wife ... would rather go to prison than to have anybody know what Robbie did.
Grissom: Mr. Anderson, we won't let that happen.
(STEVE looks at TYLER who turns to look over at ROBBIE playing quietly in the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- JAIL -- DAY]
(The doors slide open. GWEN ANDERSON walks out of the cell and waits for the main gate to open. CATHERINE stands there waiting for her. The doors open and they hand GWEN her things.)
Catherine: Now I know why you didn't want to hold Robbie when your husband handed him to you outside the police department.
(GWEN puts her jacket on.)
Catherine: I'm very sorry.
Gwen Anderson: (sniffles) I always, uh ... I always tell them, "gentle, gentle."
(CATHERINE nods.)
Gwen Anderson: He didn't mean it. I know he didn't mean it.
Catherine: (shakes her head) Of course he didn't.
(GWEN walks past CATHERINE, then turns around.)
Gwen Anderson: You must think that we are awful people -- all this stuff that's come out.
Catherine: You're an average family burdened with a tragedy that put you under a microscope. That close, nobody can look good.
(GWEN nods and turns to leave.)
CUT TO:
[HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE and GWEN ANDERSON turn the corner and meet up with GRISSOM who stands there waiting for them.)
(Just outside near the windows, the shadow of the crowd in the front of the building can be seen. Camera lights flash.)
Grissom: Your family's waiting for you. You ready?
[SLOW MOTION CAMERA]
(Flanked with both GRISSOM and CATHERINE on either side of her, GWEN ANDERSON heads for the front door.)
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
Reporter (man): (V.O.) Will the family be moving? Reporter (man): (V.O.) Will you make any statements? Reporter (man): (V.O.) Comments?
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x19 - Gentle, Gentle"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT]
(Women are laughing. A car, Nevada license #OVK 195, drives by. There are two women inside the car.)
Charlotte: That club was hot!
Lisa: We're just warming up, my girl.
(LISA turns the car and CHARLOTTE doesn't recognize where they are.)
Charlotte: Wait, wait, wait. I don't think this is the right way.
Lisa: (turns to look at CHARLOTTE) It's a shortcut.
(She laughs.)
Charlotte: A shortcut to where?
(The car hits over something.)
Charlotte: Stop. Stop the car.
Lisa: It was just a pothole.
(CHARLOTTE looks back. LISA looks in the mirror.)
Charlotte: I think you h*t someone.
(The tires screech as she stops the car.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT]
(The ambulance drives off. The road has been taped off and OFFICERS and other Emergency Personnel walk around.)
(GRISSOM and SARA get out of the vehicle and make their way toward SGT. O'RILEY who fills them in.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Blonde behind the wheel. Girlfriend in the passenger seat called it in. Vehicular manslaughter.
(GRISSOM looks at the body down on the roadway. WARRICK snaps a photo. SARA leans over to look at what he's photographing. There are three evidence markers on the roadway, #2-#4, marking pieces of a car taillight.)
Sara: Taillight?
Warrick: Yeah.
(GRISSOM shines the flashlight in the plastic bag to show the beer inside.)
Grissom: You been drinking, Warrick?
Warrick: No. I'm having a block party. I marked it where I found it -- over on the sidewalk over there.
(WARRICK points to the side. GRISSOM and SARA both turn to look at the body. They put their kits down.)
(GRISSOM lifts the boy's shirt to expose his chest. SARA takes photos of the chest.)
Grissom: Two distinct tire treads -- one wide ... one narrow.
Sara: Given the extensive bruising from the wide tread mark, victim was k*lled by a larger vehicle. Not that compact.
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses and looks over at SGT. O'RILEY who is walking toward the car with the two girls. He stops and turns around when GRISSOM calls to him.)
Grissom: Hey, O'Riley, I wouldn't book those suspects just yet. I think they ran over a corpse.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT]
(NICK flashes the siren on and off to get SARA and GRISSOM'S attention. SARA and GRISSOM head toward the car where NICK and CATHERINE are inside.)
Sara: What's up?
Nick: We got a call about ten minutes ago-- a sh**ting at Vegas Grounds Coffee Shop, eighth and main. Multiple fatalities.
Catherine: We want this one.
Grissom: You guys get over there. Keep me in the loop. Keep the media out of it.
Catherine: Right.
(CATHERINE shifts in her seat and coughs to get GRISSOM'S attention.)
Catherine: Hey, remember about three months ago I applied to the American Academy meeting in Chicago? Well, the deadline for your approval is end of shift today.
Grissom: It's not a problem.
Catherine: There's important papers to be presented ...
Grissom: You don't have to explain -- Consider it done.
Catherine: Thank you.
Grissom: Good luck.
(GRISSOM turns to let them leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over his findings with GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Printed your h*t-and-run. AFIS found a match -- Brian Clemonds, 22, born in Vegas, and he's deaf.
Sara: You can tell he's deaf by his fingerprints?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Actually, yes -- he was printed as part of a state aid program in '81. To confirm, I examined his ear canal.
(Quick CGI POV to: Inside the ear to the malleus.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Normally, the malleus is shaped like a hammer -- a long, smooth handle connecting to a blunt head -- but Brian's malleus is knotted, both of them-- birth defect.
(The malleus morphs from normal to deformed. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Grissom: There's a college for the deaf about a mile from where we found him.
Warrick: So, Brian takes a walk crosses the street, doesn't hear the car, gets creamed.
Sara: The vehicle -- probably a truck or an SUV, based on the width of the tire tread-- takes off. Later, along comes a compact - thump -- runs over his d*ad body.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Maybe, maybe not.
(DR. ROBBINS lifts up the sheet to show them the right hand.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: See the dried blood on his knuckles? No associated wounding. Blood's probably not his.
Warrick: You know what that means -- smackdown -- the kid was in a fight.
Sara: That ended in m*rder.
Grissom: Did you send a sample of his blood to DNA?
Dr. Albert Robbins: When you find the suspect you'll nail him with his own body fluid.
Grissom: Has his family been notified?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Not yet.
CUT TO:
[EXT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT]
(The ambulance drives away. CATHERINE and NICK walks up the sidewalk to the coffee shop.)
Nick: One person d*ad, it's a shame; more than one's a party.
Catherine: Get ready to pull a double.
Nick: Thank you.
(CATHERINE and NICK sign in with the OFFICER near the door. They walk into the crime scene and look around.)
(NICK heads for one of the bodies. He notices the CD player and picks up the earphones to listen.)
Nick: Speed metal. Couldn't hear a b*mb go off over this.
(BRASS walks up to them.)
Brass: Welcome to the caffeine wars. I got four d*ad, one on the way to the hospital. The kid who belonged to those headphones.
Catherine: I count two -- where are the others?
Brass: One behind the counter. One in the back room.
Nick: Guy wasn't light with the a*mo. This place is raining shell casings.
(CATHERINE walks up to one of the bodies and recognizes him.)
Catherine: Hey, I know this guy.
Brass: I bet you do. Who doesn't know Frankie Flynn? Used to own the Orpheus. Lost his gaming license a couple of years ago.
Catherine: Oh, yeah. Too many dips in the chips.
Brass: Yeah, you got that r
Nick: Who's the muscle?
Brass: This is Al Robson -- Frankie Flynn's bodyguard.
Nick: Cash taken?
Brass: Till's full, and all the wallets are accounted for. I don't think anyone was interested in the, uh, cash ... or the coffee.
(NICK and CATHERINE both head for the back of the counter.)
Nick: You're thinking h*t?
(BRASS looks around.)
Brass: Maybe. Frankie drives a bulletproof car. What does that tell you?
(CATHERINE sees the d*ad girl behind the counter and closes her eyes for a moment. She sighs.)
Nick: She's probably still in high school.
(CATHERINE turns and heads for the back of the shop. She pushes the door open. She and NICK both see the other girl d*ad at the back of the room. NICK groans at the sight.)
(CATHERINE closes her eyes. NICK walks past CATHERINE to check on the body.)
Nick: Bless her heart.
(He kneels down. BRASS walks into the back.)
Catherine: Assuming Flynn was the target, and it was a h*t the sh**t followed Flynn ...
(Quick flashback to: [sh**t'S POV] of FRANKIE FLYNN and AL ROBSON as they walk into the coffee shop.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... in the front door ... sh*t the muscle first ...
(The sh**t raises his g*n and points at AL ROBSON first. ROBSON reaches for his g*n, but the sh**t fires. ROBSON goes down.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... then Flynn ...
(The sh**t turns and fires at FLYNN.)
(Cut to: The BOY with the ear phones on senses someone approach him from behind. He turns.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... and some poor kid minding his own business.
(He stands and the sh**t fires.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: The girls were last.
(Quick flashback to: THE sh**t walks around the counter to the first girl hiding behind the counter. He fires.)
(The final girl hears the g*n and tries to run out through the back.)
Catherine: (V.O.) ... four d*ad. One is still alive.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(BRASS' beeper goes off. He checks it and reads the message.)
Brass: Make that five. Guy died on the way to the hospital.
(CATHERINE turns around to look at BRASS.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. /INT. CLEMONDS RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and an OFFICER walk up to the door. GRISSOM rings the door bell. The light goes on inside.)
(The porch light goes on outside and the door opens.)
Grissom: Mrs. Clemonds?
Mrs. Clemonds: Yes?
Grissom: My name is Gil Grissom. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
(He holds up his ID for her to look at.)
Mrs. Clemonds: Crime lab?
Grissom: May I come in for a minute?
Mrs. Clemonds: Okay.
(She steps aside and GRISSOM walks into the house. The officer waits outside. She closes the door. GRISSOM steps inside and looks around. He notices the bell near the floorboards.)
Mrs. Clemonds: My son is deaf. That bell is connected to the doorbell.
Grissom: The bell sets off vibrations which reverberate on the floorboards so that he knows someone's at the door.
Mrs. Clemonds: Yes.
Grissom: Mrs. Clemonds, I'm here about your son Brian. There's no easy way to say this.
(She starts to cry.)
Mrs. Clemonds: Oh, god, please, no.
Grissom: Brian was k*lled tonight.
Mrs. Clemonds: No, no, no.
(She slowly sits down on the couch, crying.)
Mrs. Clemonds: This is my fault.
Grissom: No. No, it's not.
Mrs. Clemonds: When I was pregnant, I had the German measles and the virus took away his hearing. It's my fault.
Grissom: No, Mrs. Clemonds... we think he might have been m*rder.
Mrs. Clemonds: (shakes her head) m*rder?
Grissom: Would you like to talk to a Family Services Counselor?
Mrs. Clemonds: (she laughs weakly) Talking is overrated, Mr. Grissom. Just find out who did this to my boy. Please.
(He nods slightly.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DAVID PHILLIPS assists while DR. ROBBINS goes over the bodies with CATHEIRNE.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: It's been a hell of a night. First the deaf kid, now a h*t. It's going to take a while to process all the bodies.
Catherine: What do you know about Flynn?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I always start with the celebrities. Frankie Flynn, 38 g*n wounds to the head and the abdomen.
Catherine: Any b*ll*ts recovered?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Only one -- out of the head -- nine-millimeter .357. I deal with the pin cushions. Ballistics deals with the pins. sh**t could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd waited a month or two.
Catherine: Why?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Invasive colon cancer. On his way out.
Catherine: Guess he got off easy.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmmm.
(CATHERINE turns to the next body.)
Catherine: I.D.?
David Phillips: Erin McCarty, 20.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Wonder if she even knew she was pregnant.
Catherine: Just keeps getting better. Someone notify the husband?
David Phillips: Cop said she's single -- she lives at home with her mother.
Catherine: How far along was she?
David Phillips: About six weeks.
Catherine: She knew.
(She shakes her head.)
CUT TO:
[INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT]
(NICK takes a picture of evidence markers #3 and #4. He reaches down to get a swab of the blood on the floor. NICK puts the swab in the box and closes it.)
(Cut to: NICK takes out a b*llet casing from the wall. The marker on the wall reads: NS-12.)
Nick: Another nine-millimeter, just like our casings.
Brass: Yeah. Nine b*ll*ts, all the same caliber. Looks like Robson never got a sh*t off. I wouldn't want him as my bodyguard.
(CATHERINE walks in.)
Catherine: Need help with the measurements?
Brass: Sure.
(OFFICER METCALF walks in.)
Officer Metcalf: Captain, I got the manager outside.
(BRASS walks out to meet with the MANAGER.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. VEGAS GROUND COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(OFFICER METCALF points out the MANAGER to BRASS.)
Brass: Okay.
Officer: That's the guy right there.
Brass: This one?
Officer: Yep. That's the one.
(BRASS clears his throat to get the MANAGER'S attention. CATHERINE and NICK follow.)
Brass: I'm Detective Brass. Catherine Willows. Nick Stokes from the crime lab.
Brad Kendall: Brad Kendall. I heard it on the news. They're saying it was some kind of a h*t. Where are Erin and Alice?
Brass: They didn't make it.
(BRAD KENDALL sighs.)
Brad Kendall: Did you call their parents?
Nick: Once the coroner makes a positive I.D. Their families will be notified.
Catherine: sh**ting occurred around closing time. Is it customary for your employees to close up?
Brad Kendall: (upset) Erin locked up twice a week -- 10:00 on the nose. She was training Alice - moving on at the end of the month. I can't believe they're gone.
CUT TO:
[EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF - DAY]
[INT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF - DR. GILBERT'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK try to talk with DR. GILBERT with the use of an interpreter. Neither SARA nor WARRICK have much experience in this area and don't fare very well.)
Sara: (loudly) Dr. Gilbert ...
(SARA turns around to look at the interpreter who stands behind them.)
Sara: (looking at the interpreter) We need your help. Brian Clemonds was m*rder.
(DR. GILBERT can't see what SARA'S saying.)
Warrick: Was he having any difficulties?
(WARRICK turns around to look at the interpreter "talk" to DR. GILBERT.)
(SARA turns to look at the interpreter.)
Sara: Anyone have a grudge against him?
(DR. GILBERT watches them, then shakes her head. SARA misinterprets the motion and then continues her questioning, but she's again looking at the interpreter.)
Sara: We understand you don't want a homicide investigation upsetting your students.
Jane Gilbert: I'm severely deaf, and I can communicate fine. I'd appreciate it if you'd look at me when you speak to me. I wear a hearing aid and I can read lips. You could have asked if I needed an interpreter.
Sara: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.
Jane Gilbert: There are 152 students at my school. We live together, we study together, we eat together. We're a family. And Brian is d*ad.
Warrick: Dr. Gilbert, we're just following protocol. We need to speak with Brian's friends; his roommates.
Sara: We'll also need access to his records.
Jane Gilbert: The crime didn't happen here -- it happened out there.
Sara: I'm not accusing anybody of anything.
Jane Gilbert: Neither am I, but there are more of you, right? Send someone else - someone with more understanding of this school of my students.
Warrick: But we're here now, and evidence is time-sensitive.
Jane Gilbert: How can you solve a crime without understanding the victim?
(Frustrated, DR. GILBERT signs to the interpreter. SARA turns to look back at HALLEY.)
Halley: Um ... she's kicking us out.
(WARRICK and SARA both leave the office.)
(HALLEY looks at DR. GILBERT and apologizes to her.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK drive in to the parking lot and park the car. GRISSOM is just getting out of his car.)
Warrick: Hey.
Grissom: How'd it go at the college?
Sara: They're not cooperating.
Warrick: Yeah, we didn't have a warrant, so she kicked us out.
Grissom: What did you do?
Sara: What did we do? We met with the president, asked a few questions.
Warrick: She was kind of hostile.
Sara: Like it's our fault we can hear.
Grissom: All right. Let's go.
CUT TO:
[EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF -- DAY]
(Back at the college, GRISSOM, WARRICK and SARA make their way across campus.)
[INT. DR. GILBERT'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks into the office.)
Grissom: Dr. Gilbert? I'm Gil Grissom, with the Crime lab. You kicked my people out of your office.
Jane Gilbert: Well, I'm kicking you out, too.
(She stands up and indicates the door.)
(GRISSOM stops her and signs as he speaks.)
Grissom: (speaks & signs) Look, your student is d*ad. Don't you want to know who's responsible? I do.
(SARA and WARRICK turn to look at each other, surprised to learn this new aspect of GRISSOM.)
Jane Gilbert: Your people can't solve this crime.
Grissom: (speaks & signs) Why? 'Cause they don't understand the victim? Help them understand.
Jane Gilbert: When a deaf person meets a hearing person the hearing person so much as says, "I'm normal, you're not."
Grissom: (speaks & signs) Is that what you think I'm saying? A student is d*ad. Maybe you feel responsible. Maybe you're angry. But don't be angry with us. We want to help you.
Jane Gilbert: If I agree to cooperate you will include me in your investigation?
Grissom: Yes, I will. I welcome your involvement. Now, may I see Brian Clemonds' file? Please?
CUT TO:
[FILE ROOM]
(GRISSOM looks through the file.)
Jane Gilbert: I did nothing wrong.
Grissom: Brian filed six complaints against his roommate -- Paul Arrington.
Jane Gilbert: Paul lost his hearing less than a year ago-- a tumor. He hasn't adjusted. He's angry.
Grissom: And he took it out on Brian. as*ault him. Brian requested a new roommate. Request denied?
Jane Gilbert: There were no other available beds.
Grissom: I want to speak to Paul.
Jane Gilbert: He doesn't read lips or sign.
Grissom: (speaks & signs) You don't need to hear or speak to communicate. Or ... commit m*rder.
FADE OUT.
(COMERCIAL SET)
FADE IN.
[INT. HALLWAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK wait to see PAUL ARRINGTON.)
Sara: So, you going to tell us how you learned to sign?
Grissom: No.
(SARA looks at WARRICK. He doesn't say anything.)
Sara: Well, the president of the college is a real whack job.
Grissom: Sara, you see deafness as a pathology. For Dr. Gilbert, her deafness is not her handicap -- it's her way of life.
Sara: You know, I think you might be siding with her.
Grissom: As long as you see this as us versus them, you're going to have problems on this case.
(WARRICK turns and sees DR. GILBERT and PAUL ARRINGTON walk down the hallway toward them.)
Warrick: The roommate's here.
(GRISSOM goes to meet them.)
(SARA turns to look at WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM hands a sheet of paper to DR. GILBERT.)
Grissom: This explains what we're doing.
[OBSERVATION ROOM]
(WARRICK and SARA walk in to the observation room to watch.)
Grissom: (through speakers) I need for Paul to read it.
Sara: What was that all about? Grissom signs.
(SARA shuts the door.)
Warrick: Do you know what Grissom drinks when he goes out at night?
Sara: He goes out?
Warrick: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy? Hey, check that out.
(They watch as GRISSOM puts a head band on PAUL ARRINGTON'S head.)
Sara: Oh, I've read about this machine. Very Frankenstein.
Warrick: Brain printing. They call it a visual polygraph.
Sara: You've used one of these before?
Warrick: Yeah, back in '97 Grissom and I used one to interview this r*pist. The guy was mute but his brain waves spoke loud and clear.
Sara: So, you show the suspect slides of the crime scene and if he's our guy ...
Warrick: ... then the oscillator will give him away.
[INTERVIEW ROOM]
(GRISSOM sets the machine up and starts with the first slide. It's of DR. GILBERT.)
(GRISSOM looks at the monitor.)
Grissom: Good. He recollects you.
(DR. GILBERT nods. The next slide goes up of the "LIBRARY AND LEARNING RESOURCE CENTER".)
Grissom: He recollects the college.
(The third slide of BRIAN CLEMONDS goes up on the screen.)
Grissom: He recollects Brian.
(The next slide is of the crime scene where BRIAN is on the roadway.)
Grissom: This is a sh*t of the crime scene.
(GRISSOM looks at the monitor.)
Grissom: No recollection.
(The next slide goes up. It's a close up of BRIAN on the ground, d*ad. DR. GILBERT is mortified by the picture. PAUL tries not to show it, but he's upset by the picture. DR. GILBERT watches PAUL carefully and sees it. GRISSOM watches the monitor.)
(She reaches out and rubs his shoulder in comfort.)
Grissom: No recollection of the crime scene or of Brian under these conditions.
Jane Gilbert: May we go now?
(GRISSOM notices that the pictures are upsetting to them. He turns the monitor off. He removes the head band from PAUL.)
(GRISSOM leans over the table and writes something on the pad in front of PAUL. When he's done, he pushes the pad in front of PAUL so he can see it: I'm sorry Paul.)
(GRISSOM steps back. PAUL looks at the message, shakes his head, then pushes the pad away.)
(In the observation room, SARA and WARRICK watch as they all head for the door. Before she leaves, DR. GILBERT turns to GRISSOM.)
Jane Gilbert: If you want to find the k*ller look outside the school.
(DR. GILBERT leaves the room.)
(After a moment, GRISSOM turns to look at the observation room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(The clock reads 5:17. Although the second hands moves, we hear nothing. GRISSOM stares at the clock. The camera swings down to show that GRISSOM is tapping the tip of his pen down on the table. Again, we hear nothing.)
(The camera moves over to the t*nk where GRISSOM keeps his pet spider. He looks down at the spider. We hear nothing.)
(CATHERINE walks into the room. GRISSOM doesn't notice her.)
Catherine: (no audio) Grissom!
(GRISSOM doesn't look up. CATHERINE takes a step closer to his desk.)
Catherine: (no audio) Grissom!
(Again, GRISSOM doesn't turn around. CATHERINE starts to look worried at his non-response.)
(Finally she yells.)
Catherine: (muffled) Grissom!
(He starts and turns around.)
(GRISSOM sees CATHERINE and takes out the ear plugs.)
(Immediately, the usual sounds of the office bustle is heard. He places the ear plugs on the table.)
Grissom: Sorry. I was thinking.
Catherine: About what it's like to be deaf?
Grissom: About what it's like to hear.
Catherine: Sara told me that you spoke in sign and now you're putting plugs in your ears.
Grissom: I'm on a case.
Catherine: Mm-hmm. Is that why you forgot about the conference?
Grissom: (confused) The what?
Catherine: You missed the deadline. No Chicago for me.
Grissom: (remembers) Oh, Catherine ...
Catherine: This is the one meeting I needed to attend. I don't always want to be second banana. I can probably do your job. I know that I can do Ecklie's.
Grissom: I forgot. I'm so sorry.
(CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Make sure to submit the paperwork by the end of the day.
Grissom: I thought you said that it was too late.
Catherine: Well, I knew you'd forget so I upped the deadline -- gave you a buffer. Don't forget again.
(CATHERINE leaves the office.)
(GRISSOM sighs, then looks for the paperwork on his desk to get it done.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(SARA runs the tire treads from the body through the database looking for a match. WARRICK walks into the room carrying an evidence box. He puts the box down.)
Warrick: Those the tire treads from the crime scene?
Sara: (nods) I photo'ed the victim's torso and imaged the tread mark-- scanned it -- got it running through a tread assistance CD ROM.
Warrick: Any hits?
Sara: Not yet. CD database-- 11,033 patterns.
(WARRICK exhales at the number as he takes out a shirt.)
Sara: Could take a while.
Warrick: Yeah.
Sara: What are you doing?
Warrick: Checking out the d*ad guy's clothes.
(WARRICK looks at the clothes and finds something unusual.)
Warrick: Whoa. What are these?
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of some bugs on the shirt.)
(Curious by his reaction, SARA walks over to take a look. She leans in close.)
Sara: What?
Warrick: They look like lice.
(SARA straightens up and tucks her hair back.)
Sara: Lice?
Warrick: Wasn't our d*ad guy clean?
Sara: Yeah, he was. Lice adhere to hair follicles. I didn't find any stray hairs on him.
Warrick: Well, he was in a fight, right? Maybe his attacker had lice and they crawled off on his sweater and they got comfy and the stray hair blew away.
(GRISSOM walks by the doorway. He sees them inside and stops.)
Grissom: (to SARA) Hey. Any luck on the tire treads?
Sara: Computer's still processing but Warrick found something pretty interesting.
(GRISSOM steps into the lab.)
Warrick: You know anything about lice?
Grissom: Yeah. They make your head itch. And, after head colds the most common medical problem affecting children.
Warrick: Little problem no one talks about, huh?
(GREG rushes into the lab for GRISSOM.)
Greg Sanders: Hey, Grissom, can I see you a second, Stat.
(He looks up and sees SARA. GREG waves to her. SARA smiles back. GREG leaves the lab.)
(GRISSOM turns around and tells SARA.)
Grissom: Stay on the tire treads. (SARA nods.) Warrick?
(GRISSOM leaves the lab. WARRICK rushes to get a sample of the lice.)
Warrick: Yeah. Right behind you.
(SARA looks at the evidence package on the table. She reads the label, then opens it up. She pours its contents out onto the table. The three pieces of tail light fall onto the table.)
(She takes the flashlight and looks at the numbers, SAE(2)AIP2 ... )
Sara: A few more numbers and this could have been cake.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
(BRASS holds up the LAS VEGAS CHRONICLE with the headline: "IT'S A h*t, FRANKIE FLYNN m*rder!")
Brass: Guess who used to sign Brad Kendall's paychecks six years ago?
Catherine: Frankie Flynn.
Brass: Oh, yeah.
(CATHERINE grabs the paper just as BRAD KENDALL turns and walks into the office.)
Brass: Hey, Brad, thanks for coming in. We just got a few more questions.
(CATHERINE sits down. The door closes behind him.)
Brad Kendall: Sure.
Brass: So you used to work for Frankie Flynn?
Brad Kendall: Yeah. At the Orpheus. I was a waiter in the coffee shop. He came in all the time.
Brass: Sit down. Sit down.
(BRAD KENDALL sits down.)
Brass: Did you see him outside the coffee shop?
Brad Kendall: (sighs) Once in a while. He owned the place. He was everywhere.
Catherine: Why don't you tell us about your CCW permit.
Brad Kendall: I made cash deposits. I carry a concealed w*apon.
Catherine: What kind?
Brad Kendall: Glock, nine millimeter.
Brass: We'll need to see the w*apon and any spare a*mo.
Brad Kendall: Yeah, of course, I'll bring it in.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GRISSOM and WARRICK follow GREG who walks through the hallway, then stops and turns around to look at them.)
Greg Sanders: I am the man.
Warrick: Why? What did you do? Let me guess. You ran a DNA profile on the blood from the d*ad guy's knuckles and you got a match.
Greg Sanders: No.
Grissom: You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up?
Greg Sanders: Not quite.
Warrick: You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself?
Greg Sanders: No.
Grissom: What is it, Greg?
(GREG turns around and points to the scope. GRISSOM puts his things down and looks.)
Greg Sanders: Just put your nose down the scope.
[SCOPE VIEW]
Grissom: Dots of blue light on a red sea.
Greg Sanders: Pyoverdin.
Grissom: Pyoverdin. A pigment excreted from pseudomonas aeruginosa which is a bacteria occasionally found in the bloodstream.
Warrick: So what does that give us?
Greg Sanders: Your k*ller has fluorescent blue dots in his blood.
Warrick: So the guy's a glow-stick. How does that help us track him down?
Greg Sanders: (laughs) Haven't I done enough for one day?
(SARA walks into the lab.)
Sara: We have a lead -- I found a partial serial number on the broken taillight.
Grissom: I saw it. It's missing six digits. It's useless.
Sara: Maybe on its own but the tire tread database kicked out a match. The tire belongs to a ford explorer. A p235-75, manufactured specifically for their SUVs. Only one with the same partial serial number is registered in Vegas.
Grissom: What do you call a guy with blue-dotted blood, lice and keys to a ford explorer?
(SARA smiles.)
Warrick: A suspect?
(GRISSOM turns to look at WARRICK.)
Grissom: A k*ller.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY]
(GRISSOM waits outside as JANE GILBERT'S car (Nevada License #213 OAT) stops and she exits the vehicle. He holds the car door open for her.)
Jane Gilbert: You found the car that ran over Brian?
Grissom: Yes.
(He closes the car door and they head for the building.)
Grissom: The SUV's registered to Adam Walkey. He's 18 years old; no prior complaints. We're processing it now. I promised to keep you informed.
Jane Gilbert: (smiling) You kept your word.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
[SCOPE VIEW of the lice]
(WARRICK looks a the lice on the driver's seat.)
Warrick: Hmm.
(SARA stands on the passenger side shining her flashlight into the car at WARRICK.)
Sara: Lice?
Warrick: Creepy critters in the driver's seat.
(SARA looks up and sees GRISSOM walking in to the garage with JANE GILBERT.)
Sara: So ... that's why Grissom's late.
Warrick: You just don't like other women in his life.
Sara: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Warrick: Affirmative on the head lice.
Sara: Taillights match.
Grissom: We have a suspect.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(ADAM WALKEY and his LAWYER RANDY PAINTER are in the lab with GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY.)
Randy Painter: I'm advising Adam to invoke his fifth amendment rights.
Sgt. O'Riley: No charges have been filed and I haven't asked a question.
Randy Painter: Go ahead and ask. He won't answer.
Grissom: Well, that's why I suggested we meet here. I don't need him to talk. I just want his blood.
Randy Painter: Well, for that, you're going to need a warrant.
(GRISSOM turns to look at SGT. O'RILEY who takes out a sheet of paper from his jacket pocket. He hands it to RANDY PAINTER who takes a moment to read it.)
Randy Painter: This warrant is for blood ...
(He looks up confused.)
Randy Painter: ... and a scalp search.
(GRISSOM holds up a lice comb.)
Grissom: It's a licemeister. (and smiles) We're going to comb your hair.
(RANDY PAINTER and ADAM WALKEY look at each other.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE turns the corner and walks into the lab where NICK is already there looking through a scope.)
Catherine: Talk to me.
Nick: Good news, bad news. Same caliber, different g*n.
(CATHERINE looks over at BOBBY DAWSON standing inside the lab.)
Catherine: Bobby?
Bobby Dawson: Striations don't match.
(BOBBY points the monitor.)
Bobby Dawson: The g*n that k*lled those five people at the coffee house isn't your store manager's. The good news is -- all of the nine millimeter b*ll*ts fired at the scene ... from the same g*n.
(Quick CGI POV: Camera moves down and inside the barrel of a g*n. The g*n fires and the b*llet exits the barrel. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Bobby Dawson: You're looking for only one guy.
Catherine: Well, what about the breach-face marks on the casings?
Bobby Dawson: (shakes his head) Indeterminate.
Catherine: Hmm.
(CATHERINE turns to look at NICK and she sees BRASS walk toward them into the room.)
Catherine: Well, well ... looks like you got zip.
Brass: I got a ton of people out interviewing every two-bit stiff that ever had a beef against Flynn. They're all doing the smart thing -- keeping their mouth shut.
Catherine: So we have no statements or physical evidence indicating it was a h*t on Flynn.
Nick: What we have is five d*ad bodies.
Catherine: Yeah ... why?
Brass: You know something I don't know?
Catherine: Not yet.
(BRASS looks past CATHERINE toward NICK. CATHERINE turns around to look at NICK.)
Catherine: Nick?
Nick: (shrugs) Smoke and mirrors.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT]
(NICK and CATHERINE are back inside the Coffee Shop.)
Nick: If it was a h*t, the guy came to the front door took out Al and Frankie, and got the witnesses. b*ll*ts will confirm it. sh**t was standing here when he sh*t Al ...
(NICK uses the red laser light to point it toward the "X" on the cardboard cut out representing "AL".)
Nick: ... bamm. Once in the chest. This is Flynn.
(NICK moves over to the next light set up on a tripod and turns it on toward the wall where they found the b*llet.)
Nick: One miss ...
(He moves to the next light on the tripod and turns it on so the light hits the cardboard cut out representing "FLYNN".)
Nick: ... One h*t ... one through and through.
(The next light goes on and is pointed through the hole in the cardboard cut out.)
(CATHERINE moves to the other lights set up.)
Catherine: Headphones.
(She turns on the lights pointing them at the witness with the headphones who was k*lled.)
Catherine: Ricochet. Through and through.
(NICK walks around the room looking at the ray of lights. CATHERINE walks up close to the cardboard cut out of the witness. She stops and thinks about it.)
(Camera cuts to a slow pan around the room at the various cardboard cut outs and lights indicating the sh*ts fired. It stops on the laptop monitor of the room layout.)
(Cut to: NICK and CATHERINE work on the computer laptop.)
Nick: Each victim gets a different color. Blue beams are isolated. The kid with the cd player was alone.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the sh**ting, the kid with the CD player has his back to the action. The camera moves slowly toward him and he turns around. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Flynn was closest to the door.
(Quick flashback to: The night of the sh**ting. FLYNN and AL ROBSON walk into the coffee shop and up to the counter. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: sh**t was positioned between Flynn and the front door. Flynn eats it ... ? Nah.
Nick: I would have taken out big Al ... bodyguard first.
Catherine: Me, too.
Nick: Ident found both of the bodyguards' paws on the counter.
(NICK walks up to the counter and puts both his hands down flat on the countertop.)
(Quick flashback to: The night of the sh**ting. AL ROBSON and FLYNN walk into the coffee shop. ROBSON walks up to the counter and puts both hands flat on top. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK looks up at CATHERINE who's behind the counter.)
Catherine: What if the sh**t was here when he sh*t big Al?
Nick: Big Al would already be d*ad. It doesn't make any sense.
Catherine: If the sh**t walked through the front door.
Nick: What if he came through the back?
(CATHERINE turns around and heads for the back.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE opens the door. She and NICK walk inside. CATHERINE walks in toward the cardboard cut out that represents ERIN.)
Catherine: Erin McCarty-- the employee who was supposed to close up.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. sh*t twice in the back while headed for the rear exit.
(CATHERINE and NICK start looking around the area.)
(CATHERINE searches the shelves, then notices something behind the keys hanging on the hooks on the side of the shelves. It appears to be a small dent.)
Catherine: If she was headed towards the parking lot, how do you explain this ricochet?
Nick: What?
(NICK walks over to see what CATHERINE'S found. He looks at the small dent in the shelf and thinks.)
Nick: Like this.
(NICK turns off the back room light and heads for the light on the tripod. CATHERINE gets the small mirror and puts it on the shelf to reflect the light. Together, they work to find the missing b*llet.)
(NICK moves the light until it hits the mirror. CATHERINE moves the mirror to show where the b*llet could've possibly gone. The light winds up on a bag of
100% COLUMBIAN.)
(NICK checks the bag.. He picks it up and opens it. He pours the beans out and finds the missing b*llet. He looks back at CATHERINE and smiles.)
Nick: I love this job.
Catherine: The ricochet went out into the store. (thinking) There's no hole in the door. There's no hole in the door 'cause the door had to have been open.
Nick: Assuming Erin was running for her life the sh**t follows her in the back room sh**t her twice -- he would have been sh**ting toward the parking lot.
Catherine: He sh*t toward the parking lot first and then toward the front of the store.
Nick: He'd only sh**t toward the front if there's somebody there.
Catherine: So who was in the line of f*re? What if we have it backwards? What if ... the sh**ting began back here ... with Erin?
Nick: Yeah, and somebody else saw. Frankie Flynn was an innocent bystander. Wrong place, wrong time.
Catherine: The target was Erin ... the pregnant girl and the rest was damage control.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY / DNA LAB -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK, SARA and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.)
Warrick: Adam Walkey doesn't have lice?
Grissom: Not even lice eggs.
SARA; Maybe he got rid of them since the other night.
Grissom: Delousing agents take time to kick in. There would have been evidence of the infestation.
(They walk into the DNA LAB where GREG is waiting for them.)
Greg Sanders: Hey... got good news. Walkey's blood sample ...
Grissom: Pseudomonas aeruginosa?
Greg Sanders: Fluorescent blue.
(GRISSOM leans in to look through the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW]
Warrick: Same as the blood we found on Brian's knuckle.
Grissom: Greg, start a DNA comparison. This gives us enough to hold Walkey.
(GRISSOM walks out of the lab. WARRICK and SARA follow.)
Warrick: It's just like Dr. Gilbert said ... the k*ller came from out here.
Grissom: Dr. Gilbert can afford her personal bias. We can't.
(GRISSOM stops and turns around to look at them.)
Grissom: And we need a lot more than day-glo bacteria to get a conviction.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(NICK and CATHERINE walk through the hallway on their way to forensic pathology.)
Nick: You really think Erin knew she was pregnant? I mean, six weeks?
Catherine: Twenty-year-old girl, living at home? She would have taken a test if she was five seconds late -- panic city.
Nick: Yeah. Brass talked to her parents. There was no guy in her life.
Catherine: Well, it's not immaculate conception. If the guy was Mr. Right she would have told her folks. Which means he was Mr. Wrong. Maybe Mr. Married.
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC PATHOLOGY - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and CATHERINE walk into pathology. DR. ROBBINS looks up from the counter he's working at.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Back for more?
Catherine: You still have the pregnant girl?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Mortuary is going to pick her up later this afternoon.
Nick: Stall them. We want a paternity test.
Dr. Albert Robbins: At six weeks?
Catherine: Six weeks with half of someone else's DNA in her body.
(NICK turns and opens the door for CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK check under ADAM WALKEY'S SUV. They look around. SARA sees something, a tear in the muffler. There's a piece of cloth caught in the tear.)
Sara: Check this out.
(SARA reaches up and takes the sample.)
Sara: This fabric matches the victim's sweater.
Warrick: That's the muffler. And this is the back of the car.
Sara: And the taillight was smashed.
Warrick: There's no way this car was moving forward when it ran over Brian Clemonds' body.
Sara: Who drives backwards on a downtown street?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY]
(SGT. O'RILEY and GRISSOM interview ADAM WALKEY and RANDY PAINTER.)
Sgt. O'Riley: First degree m*rder. That's how we see it.
(RANDY PAINTER looks at ADAM WALKEY and nods.)
Randy Painter: It's okay. (to O'RILEY) In that case, my client is now prepared to make a statement. Tell him, Adam.
Adam Walkey: I may have h*t the guy.
Sgt. O'Riley: That's some statement.
Adam Walkey: Okay. I remember hitting something. It was dark. I-I just kept driving. Didn't look back.
Grissom: Adam ... we found lice in the driver's seat of your vehicle but your scalp was clean. Was there anyone else there? A witness who might support your account?
(ADAM WALKEY turns to look at RANDY PAINTER who clears his throat and nods.)
Adam Walkey: (sighs) Yeah, someone was with me. Mark. Mark Rucker. He can confirm everything I told you.
(In the hallway, JANE GILBERT walk past the glass walls and heads toward the door. She angrily walks into the break room.)
Jane Gilbert: I want to see him.
(GRISSOM looks up.)
Jane Gilbert: Is that the coward who k*lled Brian?
(ADAM WALKEY looks up. DR. GILBERT speaks and signs as she walks slowly toward ADAM WALKEY.)
Jane Gilbert: (upset) What happened? He scare you? Talk a little funny? Make a lot of noises? Screamed? Or maybe he just looked at you the wrong way?
Adam Gilbert: Get away from me!
(GRISSOM appears next to DR. GILBERT.)
Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) You make me sick.
(GRISSOM takes DR. GILBERT out into the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(DR. GILBERT storms out of the hallway with GRISSOM behind her. She stops and turns around.)
Jane Gilbert: (accusing) You said you'd include me.
Grissom: You offered to help with my investigation and now you're compromising it.
Jane Gilbert: You found the k*ller.
Grissom: (speaks and signs) Who says it was a h*t-and-run. Not m*rder. He has a witness.
Jane Gilbert: Who will lie for him.
Grissom: The witness can say whatever he wants. The important thing is that Adam Walkey was not alone when he k*lled Brian.
(The anger leaves DR. GILBERT as she realizes what GRISSOM is saying.)
Grissom: Until now, I did not know who was with him.
Jane Gilbert: And now you do.
Grissom: His witness is our other suspect.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB]
(NICK walks into the lab toward BOBBY DAWSON.)
Nick: 911 page?
(BOBBY DAWSON looks up.)
Nick: What's up?
Bobby Dawson: Right g*n, wrong barrel.
Nick: Son of a bitch swapped the g*n barrel out.
Bobby Dawson: Check this out.
(BOBBY puts in the barrel and shows it to NICK. Camera zooms in for a close up to show the dent.)
Nick: Could be an incomplete tool mark. Maybe the guy dropped his g*n. Either way, we still don't have the barrel.
Bobby Dawson: This is true.
Nick: But we've got Kendall's a*mo. What about b*llet batching?
Bobby Dawson: Match the bunter marks?
Nick: Every casing's got two pieces of information on it: Manufacturer and caliber.
Bobby Dawson: Etched in by an electrodischarge machine.
(Quick CGI POV of: The etching on the bottom of the casing. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Bobby Dawson: Every casing from a given batch of a*mo has the same markings.
Nick: So if you compared the casings we collected at the crime scene with the casings from Brad Kendall's g*n...
Bobby Dawson: ... on a microscopic level, we should find similar characteristics ...
Nick: Which would link Brad's a*mo to the crime even though we can't link his g*n.
Bobby Dawson: Not as airtight as matching the barrel.
Nick: But still enough to build a case.
Bobby Dawson: What about motive?
Nick: Well, Catherine's working on a hunch.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY]
(BRASS and CATHERINE question BRAD KENDALL.)
Brad Kendall: Me? The father? No way. I'm married. I don't fool around.
Brass: Would you like us to explain the mechanics of sex in the workplace?
Catherine: You're the manager. Erin was the employee.
Brass: You had the power. Happens all the time.
Brad Kendall: You got it all wrong.
Catherine: Maybe we do-- we all make mistakes-- but, just to be sure why don't you give us a sample of your DNA and you'll be on your way.
Brad Kendall: I don't believe this. Talk to anyone. I'm not like that.
Brass: I've got a court order.
(BRASS puts the piece of paper on the desk. BRAD KENDALL looks at it, then admits it.)
Brad Kendall: It was a one-time thing. I didn't even know she was pregnant.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(SGT. O'RILEY and GRISSOM question MARK RUCKER.)
Sgt. O'Riley: I read him his rights. Last chance for a lawyer.
Mark Rucker: I didn't do anything. Why would I need a lawyer?
Sgt. O'Riley: (to GRISSOM) f*re away.
Grissom: I have just one question: Does your head itch?
Mark Rucker: (laughs) Do I have to answer that?
Grissom: I'm going to just, uh ... rearrange your part a little. Hmm. According to Adam Walkey you were with him in his SUV the other night and your head lice ... confirmed his statement. They also tell me that you were driving.
Mark Rucker: Yeah, yeah, I was with him. And, like he told you, we didn't know he h*t the guy.
Sgt. O'Riley: How do you know what Adam told us?
(GRISSOM takes off his gloves and sits down.)
Grissom: Now, why don't you tell us what really happened.
Mark Rucker: Well, it was around midnight ...
(Quick flashback to: That night. MARK RUCKER is driving.)
Mark Rucker: (V.O.) ... and we were listening to the radio. I changed the station. Adam got pissed.
Adam Walkey: Dude, what are you doing? That song is a classic.
Mark Rucker: It's not a classic. It's crap. It's always been crap. Now, this ... this is tight.
(They run over something with a loud thud.)
Mark Rucker: Wh-what was that?
Adam Walkey: Probably a dog. Let's get out of here.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Mark Rucker: We just kept driving. It's the truth.
Grissom: The evidence says otherwise.
Mark Rucker: What are you talking about?
Grissom: Well, there weren't just lice in the SUV. There were lice on the victim's sweater.
Mark Rucker: So who cares about lice?
Grissom: Do you know what lice eat?
(MARK RUCKER doesn't know.)
Grissom: Blood. I'm pretty sure I can prove that the lice on Brian Clemonds came from your head.
Mark: We got out of the car.
(Quick flashback to: That night. The SUV stops and both men get out of the car. They look at the body in the street.)
Mark Rucker: We got to call the paramedics.
Adam Walkey: We tell anybody, we are in trouble. We could go to jail.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Mark Rucker: But I didn't want to leave him like that. Adam talked me into it. He had a scholarship to duke next year, you know. He couldn't risk it.
(GRISSOM sighs.)
Grissom: Let me tell you what I think happened.
(Quick flashback to: Earlier that night. As they're driving past the liquor store, they see BRAIN.)
Grissom: (V.O.) You and Adam saw Brian walking out of a liquor store carrying a six-pack. You're underage. Maybe you wanted him to front you some beer.
(They lean out the open car window and yell out to him.)
Adam Walkey: Hey, man, can you do us a favor?
Grissom: (V.O.) Brian doesn't respond.
Adam Walkey: Hey! (to MARK) What's his problem? MARK RUCKER: Let's find out.
(The SUV stops in front of BRIAN and the men get out of the car.)
Grissom: (V.O.) ... Then you got out of the car.
(They circle BRIAN and continue to talk to him.)
Adam Walkey: Hey, moron, we just want you to buy us some beer. MARK RUCKER: How about we just grab yours, huh? ADAM WALKEY: What do you want? MARK RUCKER: What do you say? You going to give it up?
Grissom: (V.O.) You started taunting him. And then everything escalated.
(They b*at BRIAN up and leave BRIAN on the road.)
Grissom: (V.O.) The blood on the victim's knuckles led us to Adam.
(Camera moves from the bloodied knuckles on BRIAN'S hands to ADAM'S bloodied nose.)
Grissom: (V.O.) The average male loses 80 hairs a day. A stray hair left behind lice, which brings us to you.
(ADAM brushes his hand through his hair. Slow motion camera follows the single strand of hair as it falls onto BRIAN'S sweater.)
(The two men leave BRIAN and get back into the SUV.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: It would have ended there but, as you were about to drive away, something caught your attention.
(Quick flashback to: That night. Both men are in the SUV and slam their doors shut. They start the car and move forward when they notice BRIAN get up.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Something in your rearview mirror.
(In the rearview mirror, they see BRIAN get up and start yelling. MARK puts the car in reverse and hits BRIAN. BRIAN flies backward. MARK continues and runs the car over BRIAN.)
(Camera close up of the piece of sweater caught in the muffler.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: And you took off.
Mark Rucker: I want a lawyer.
Grissom: Let me tell you something, son.
Sgt. O'Riley: Gil, the interrogation is over. He's requested counsel.
(MARK RUCKER looks at GRISSOM smugly.)
Grissom: Fine. No more questions.
(GRISSOM slowly gets to his feet.)
Grissom: Just this. You want to know why Brian Clemonds ran away from you? It was dark, you were shouting at him and he didn't understand what you were saying. Brian Clemonds was deaf.
(MARK RUCKER looks up at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: He was afraid of you. But you were more afraid of him ... weren't you?
(GRISSOM turns to leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- DAY]
(The door opens and BRASS walks inside. CATHERINE and NICK talk with BRAD KENDALL. They show the pictures on the monitor to BRAD.)
Brad Kendall: What am I looking at?
Nick: Microscopic surface analysis. This ought to make things more clear.
Catherine: A bunter tool makes a unique mark.
(Quick CGI POV to: The etchings on the bottom b*llet casing at close up as the tool burns in the mark. Camera pulls back to show the two "R" from the b*llet casings side-by-side. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Nick: Casings from your g*n are on the right. Casings collected from the crime scene are on the left.
Catherine: They're identical. You came here that night ... to k*ll Erin.
(Quick flashback to: That night. ERIN takes off her smock when the back door opens. BRAD KENDALL walks in.)
Catherine: You came in through the back. Erin was in the office.
Brad Kendall: We got to talk.
Erin McCarty: I'm tired of talking to you.
Brad Kendall: Listen to me!
Erin McCarty: I'm tired of listening to you.
Brad: I will take care of this.
Erin McCarty: All you take care of is yourself.
Brad Kendal: Erin, think! Use your head for once. I'm not going to let you ruin my life!
(The back door opens and ALICE NEELY peeks inside.)
Erin McCarty: I already have thought about it. I'm going to have this baby and you are going to support it.
(ERIN walks past BRAD toward the back door.)
Erin McCarty: I'll let you know if it's a boy or a girl.
(BRAD takes out his g*n and sh**t her in the back. ALICE NEELY gasps. BRAD turns around seeing ALICE standing there. He sh**t at her and misses. The b*llet ricochets off the shelf.)
(ALICE quickly closes the door and heads back into the main shop. BRAD follows.)
Catherine: But Alice saw so you sh*t her.
(BRAD fires and sh**t ALICE.)
Catherine: (V.O.) You thought that Erin had locked up but there was a kid drinking coffee
(BRAD looks up and sees the customer at the table. The door opens and FLYNN and AL ROBSON walk into the shop.
Catherine: ... and then things got out of hand.
(AL ROBSON walks up to the counter and sees BRAD KENDALL standing there. He puts both hands on the counter and looks over the top where he sees ALICE on the floor.)
(He looks back at BRAD and reaches for his g*n. BRAD fires. He walks around the counter and finishes k*lling everyone in the shop.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: Brad Kendall, you're under arrest for the m*rder of Frankie Flynn, Al Robson, Roy Hinton, Alice Neely and Erin McCarty.
Nick: Six weeks pregnant with your child.
(BRAD looks down.)
Brad Kendall: I didn't mean for it to happen like that. I just wanted to talk.
Catherine: Is that why you brought your g*n?
CUT TO:
[EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and DR. GILBERT sit outside the front of the college.)
Grissom: Some people are just afraid.
Jane Gilbert: And that's why they k*lled Brian. Because he was different. You don't see us as different.
(Shakes his head.)
Grissom: You're not.
Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) Who taught you to sign?
Grissom: (speaks & signs) My mother.
Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) Tell me about her. And use your hands. You're a little rusty.
(GRISSOM smiles sheepishly at her.)
[Note: Very loose translation. I'm no expert.]
Grissom: (signs) She lost her hearing when she was eight.
(Off of GRISSOM, camera sh*t of DR. GILBERT.)
Grissom: (signs) ... loved to swim. I asked her what it was like to be deaf. She told me to stick my head under the water ...
Jane Gilbert: (laughs and signs) True.
Grissom: (signs) She taught me not to make fun of "she" ... "you" ...
"everyone" ... "the same".
(Camera is behind DR. GILBERT, off her shoulder at GRISSOM then slowly pulls back.)
Jane Gilbert: (signs) ...
Grissom: (signs) ...
Jane Gilbert: (signs) ...
(Conversation continues ... The only sounds we hear are the water fountain and birds chirping.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(Sounds continues ... then fades ... )
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x20 - Sounds of Silence"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY]
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARK - DAY]
(A man is out jogging in the park. He follows the trail as he jogs.)
(As he runs, he hears a low growl. He stops moving, then turns around.)
[SLOW MOTION CAMERA]
(A growling dog, teeth bare and aggressive, jumps and att*cks him.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARK - NIGHT -- LATER]
(The man is on the trail, d*ad.)
(Police Officers are there along with other emergency personnel. An Officer leads GRISSOM, WARRICK and NICK to the body. He takes one look at the body and reacts to it.)
Officer: Aw, jeez.
(The Officer leaves. GRISSOM glances at him then turns back to the body.)
Warrick: (to the OFFICER) All right, Guy?
(NICK kneels down next to the body and looks back up at GRISSOM and WARRICK.)
Nick: I guess he won't be eating dinner tonight.
(He snaps a photograph. GRISSOM looks around and sees something. He grabs WARRICK'S hand holding the flashlight and points it up to a point beyond the body.)
Grissom: I think running man was att*cked up there and then dragged or slid down here.
(Up on the hill nearby are drag marks toward the body. NICK continues to snap photos of the body.)
Warrick: Look at those wounds.
Nick: He picked the wrong time of day to be running alone. Dusk is when the animals come out.
Warrick: Yeah. From what I hear they carved out a piece of this valley when they made the park.
(DAVID works on the body; GRISSOM continues to examine the wounds.)
Warrick: (continues) Some mountain lion probably didn't like getting relocated. Mountain lions are brutal.
Grissom: And smart.
(He holds the cut shirt away from the wound to show them what he's talking about, then turns to look back innocently at them.)
Grissom: This one evidently knows how to use a scalpel. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway heading automatically to his office. As he reaches the doorway, CATHERINE walks out of his office and they almost bump into each other. He's surprised to see her there.)
Grissom: Catherine.
(CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM and doesn't say anything. It's his office she's walking out of. GRISSOM picks up on ... something.)
Grissom: What are you doing?
Catherine: (not asking) The carnival case. I'm taking it.
Grissom: The carnival case?
Catherine: A six-year-old girl died on a ride at the carnival over on Washington. The paperwork's on your desk.
(He nods and glances at his office behind her.)
Grissom: Did you straighten up my office while you were in there?
Catherine: You think I overstepped? (He shakes his head slightly.) These people come to town, they commit crimes and they leave. I just want to get there before the carnival moves on.
Grissom: Okay. Take Sara with you.
(She's one step ahead of him.)
Catherine: (sighs) She's meeting me there.
(CATHERINE walks past GRISSOM and leaves him standing in the hallway. He turns to watch her leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room. WARRICK and NICK are already with DR. ROBBINS. GRISSOM walks up to the table where they're going over the autopsy findings.)
Warrick: So, Doc, how big of a cat are we actually dealing with here?
Dr. Albert Robbins: We're not.
Grissom: (surprised) We're not?
(ROBBINS turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: You ever owned a kitten? When you play with them, they don't just bite-- they scratch. Doesn't matter whether they're tabbies or tigers.
(GRISSOM turns to look at the victim's body.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: And there's no signs of claw wounds on the victim.
Nick: So what are we dealing with?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Forget whiskers. Think spot. Teeth marks look canine.
(Quick CGI POV to: Camera quick zoom into a dog's open mouth and teeth bare. Cut to: Camera extreme close up of the dog's teeth sinking into flesh with lost of blood spurting out.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Bit him right through the jugular.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Grissom: I was wrong about the species.
Dr. Albert Robbins: I'll make a mold of the bite. If we're lucky we can narrow it down to breed.
(GRISSOM looks over at WARRICK and NICK, both acting strangely.)
(WARRICK turns away.)
Grissom: What?
(WARRICK and NICK look at GRISSOM.)
Nick: Most people don't admit when they're wrong.
Grissom: (shrugs) I'm wrong all the time. That's how I eventually get to right.
Dr. Albert Robbins: You weren't wrong about the scalpel. Whoever removed this guy's organs knew how to handle one.
Nick: So a dog k*lled him, then someone came along and cut him up.
Grissom: Someone with two legs and a medical degree.
CUT TO:
[INT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE -- NIGHT]
(The carnival is in full swing. Camera shows the different rides, the crowd milling about, then the Tunnel of Love ride that's still.)
(CATHERINE and SARA walk under the crime scene tape toward the body of the little girl on the ground.)
Sara: Thanks.
(The CORONERS, kneeling down next to the body, puts down a bright blue body bag to gather up the body.)
Catherine: Stop.
(The CORONERS look up at CATHERINE.)
Catherine: (firmly) What are you doing? That bag's been used 100 times. Get her a new one.
Sara: (puzzled) They get washed every time, right?
Coroner's Assistant: Yeah-- with disinfectant.
(CATHERINE puts her kit down. SARA watches her a little concerned.)
Catherine: What if it was your kid?
(CATHERINE walks into the open back of the CORONER'S van and pulls out a brand new body bag.)
Catherine: She gets this one.
(She hands the bag to the CORONER. He takes it, stands up and steps aside.)
Coroner's Assistant: Yes, ma'am.
(CATHERINE kneels down next to the body and looks at it. The little girl is d*ad on the ground with her eyes wide open. CATHERINE gasps and closes her eyes.)
Catherine: (exhales) She looks scared. No six-year-old should have to go through that.
Sara: (concerned) You okay?
(CATHERINE turns to look at SARA who is watching her steadily.)
Catherine: Why don't you go find the mother and talk to her. I'll take the crime scene.
Sara: Okay.
(SARA turns to leave. CATHERINE stands up and heads for the ride.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT]
(CARLA DANTINI, the mother of the little girl, is crying and relaying the story to SARA. Her boyfriend, HUGH YOUNG, has his arms around her.)
Carla Dantini: I don't know what happened. One minute Sandy was laughing, holding my hand, and the next ... the next, sh ... oh, my god.
(She turns her head and cries.)
(Quick flashback to: CARLA and SANDY are in the Tunnel of Love car as it enters the tunnel. CARLA has her arm around SANDY'S shoulders as it moves. They both giggle and laugh.)
(Several cuts of CARLA and SANDY enjoying the ride.)
(Cut to: Suddenly, SANDY falls into the water with a splash.)
Sandy Dantini: Mommy!
(Cut to: CARLA is still in the car around looking for SANDY.)
Carla Dantini: Sandy! CARLA DANTINI: Sandy, where are you?
(CARLA dips her arms into the water looking for SANDY.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Carla Dantini: (stopped crying) I ... I got out of the car ... (she swallows) ... but I couldn't find her. By the time I got the operators to stop the ride ... she was d*ad.
Hugh Young: How can this happen ... at a carnival?
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARK - NIGHT]
(NICK and WARRICK are back at the park where the jogger's body was found. They're each carrying a flashlight.)
Nick: "Go back to the crime scene. Collect the dog's scat."
(WARRICK laughs. NICK looks around.)
Nick: I didn't realize how many dogs take their walks up here when I said that.
(WARRICK looks around at the ground.)
Warrick: Yeah, but I bet Grissom did.
(It starts to rain.)
Warrick: (frustrated) This sucks!
(They continue to look around and complain while they do.)
Warrick: But it's evidence, right?
Nick: No, hair and fiber is evidence, Warrick. This is combat duty.
(WARRICK leans in for a closer look. He sees something.)
Warrick: Yeah, it's somebody's "doody".
(NICK turns to look at what's gotten WARRICK'S attention.)
Nick: Don't even waste your time. That's cougar.
Warrick: How do you figure that?
(NICK reaches out and picks it up. He shines the flashlight on it.)
Nick: See the rabbit hair in the feces? Don't you remember the seminar?
Warrick: (huh?) Seminar?
(NICK looks up at WARRICK and shines his flashlight on his face.)
Nick: Julie?
Warrick: (remembers) Julie. Oh ... a CSI should not be that fine.
(NICK chuckles. They continue to look around the area. They see something behind them.)
(WARRICK reaches out and picks it up.)
Warrick: What is that?
(NICK looks at it.)
Nick: Looks like dirty ice.
Warrick: Yeah, well, I'm taking it into evidence.
Nick: It's evidence of a picnic, Warrick.
(WARRICK puts the ice in a container and holds it up as he looks at it.)
Warrick: Yeah, well ... we'll see.
CUT TO:
[EXT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE EXIT -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE interviews THOMAS PICKENS as she stands over the Tunnel of Love car.)
Thomas Pickens: We've never had a problem with this ride. This is the safest ride we got.
Catherine: Not anymore. So you didn't know that anything was wrong until this car came out of the tunnel, right?
Thomas Pickens: As soon as the mom started screaming, I stopped the ride.
(CATHERINE reaches inside the car and grabs the seat belt. She tugs on it a couple of times, then drops it back into the car.)
Catherine: Seat belt's loose.
Thomas Pickens: (not looking at her) I check those every morning.
Catherine: Did you check this one?
Thomas Pickens: Yeah.
Catherine: So do you strap the riders in, or do they do it themselves?
Thomas Pickens: Lady, it's the Tunnel of Love, not Colossus. People like to get up close and personal on this ride.
Catherine: So you keep the belts loose on purpose. Loose enough for adults to get close or six-year-old kids to slide through?
(CATHERINE picks up her kit and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. CARNIVAL - TUNNEL OF LOVE -- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks into the Tunnel entrance and looks around. She puts her kit down and takes out a camera. As she walks through the tunnel, she snaps photos.)
(CATHERINE walks into the water and sees something in the car rail. Camera zooms in to show the fresh markings on the car rail. She snaps a photo of the markings.)
(CATHERINE looks around and finds a hammer in the water. She picks it up and knows why it's there.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. CARNIVAL - OUTSIDE - NIGHT]
(THOMAS PICKENS sits miserably on his seat with the OFFICER in front of him when CATHERINE walks up to them.)
Catherine: Officer, give us a minute.
(The OFFICER stands up and leaves. CATHERINE pulls out his chair, but remains standing.)
Catherine: You tampered with the evidence.
Thomas Pickens: Ma'am, I don't know what you're talking about.
Catherine: Spare me the hee haw routine. You run this nightmare on wheels. I found this in there.
(She shows him the hammer. He looks nervously at it.)
Catherine: You sent one of your employees into that tunnel to fix the track where that little girl was k*lled to cover your ass?
Thomas Pickens: Glad you found that, 'cause puppy's been missing since I rolled into Vegas. Look, I, uh ... I'm sorry as the next jim-jim about what happened, ma'am but ...
(He absently scratches his arm. CATHERINE sees the movement.)
Thomas Pickens: ... I ain't got nothing to do with it.
(CATHERINE walks to the booth nearby and grabs a cup. She holds it out to him.)
Catherine: Field test for drugs. I'm sure you've done this before.
(He shakes his head and leans back in his chair.)
Thomas Pickens: You can't make me take a drug test.
(SARA walks up to them and listens.)
Catherine: Oh, before you came to Nevada you should have looked up the law. Mandatory drug testing wherever there's been an accident. Pee now, and don't tell me you're shy.
(He stands up right in front of CATHERINE, grabs the cup from her and grins. He walks past her toward the OFFICER.)
Catherine: (to the OFFICER) Stay on him.
(They leave.)
Sara: Mandatory drug testing?
Catherine: Yeah, well, there should be. And I don't have to wait for results to know that guy's coked out of his brain.
Sara: Cocaine bugs.
(Shakes her head in disgust.)
Catherine: Oh ... crawling all under his skin.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM sits in his office behind his desk holding a piece of molding. He odes to it as he looks at it.)
Grissom: Like David Crosby said, big fella: "If I'd known I was going to live this long I'd have taken better care of my teeth."
(GREG SANDERS appears in the doorway and leans against the door frame.)
Greg Sanders: Right you are, Mr. Crime Scene Investigator.
(GREG walks into the office.)
Greg Sanders: You know, most dogs have 42 teeth but, as you've discovered, your Cujo only has 41. Woof-woof.
(GREG sits down in front of the desk.)
Grissom: Did you ever hear a dog say "woof-woof," Greg?
(GREG shrugs his shoulders.)
Grissom: I mean, what is the origin of that? And what do we sound like to them, I wonder.
Greg Sanders: I don't know. Probably blah, blah, blah.
Grissom: Did you come here with some particular "blah, blah, blah" for me?
Greg Sanders: Yes. Two words. Paw prints. Your dentally-challenged k*ller left them all over the vic's clothes.
Grissom: Greg, you know that paw prints are not the same as fingerprints.
Greg Sanders: True, and even if they were, we don't have the database. But they can tell you the size of the dog.
Grissom: And?
Greg Sanders: And, according to my sagacious calculations, this is a big dog. At least a hundred pounds.
Grissom: Now if we can just figure out where he went to medical school we'll be home free.
Greg Sanders: (confused) Huh?
Grissom: The, uh big dog is a Great Dane-Mastiff mix.
Greg Sanders: (disappointed) So my paw prints didn't even help.
Grissom: No, odontology did. Dr. Robbins' dental mold. But, uh it's always nice to have a visit with you, Greg.
Greg Sanders: Thank you. So now you think you're going to find this dog?
(He looks at the file in front of him.)
Grissom: (reading) "The array of the bite the squarish impression of the jaw are unique to a Dane or Dane mix." And there are only 40 registered in the greater Las Vegas area. So if one of them is owed a visit by the tooth fairy ... yes ... I think I can.
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses and stands up to leave the room with the file in his hands.)
CUT TO:
[NT. CSI - TRACE LAB]
(NICK and WARRICK are working in the lab. NICK is looking through the microscope presumably examining the dog scat they've collected at the park.)
Nick: Corn. Hamburger. Rawhide. But no human cellular tissue in this sample.
(NICK stands up and grabs a container.)
Warrick: Only thirty more jars to go.
(WARRICK and NICK are unaware that GRISSOM walked into the lab.)
Warrick: This is rough, man. We should be pulling better cases by now. Millionaire m*rder, casino heists.
Grissom: It's interesting how we categorize evidence in terms of what it means to us as opposed to what it might mean to the case.
Warrick: Uh, we're supposed to like scat patrol?
Grissom: Sometimes we deal with bugs, worms, waste or worse. But, as scientists, we look beyond the possibly offensive qualities of these things to what they might tell us about the puzzle we're trying to solve.
(WARRICK glances at NICK and scoffs at what he just heard.)
Warrick: Yeah.
Nick: (laughs) Man, do you turn it on like this at your seminars?
Grissom: People actually pay to go to my seminars, Nick. We've I.D.'d the dog.
Nick: Well, if he's got bits of jogger hanging out of his mouth, cuff him.
(SGT. O'RILEY appears in the doorway and holds up a file.)
Sgt. O'Riley: I pulled those rap sheets. Called around.
Grissom: And?
Sgt. O'Riley: The one with the missing tooth is no angel. He att*cked a gas man checking a meter. Took a chunk of thigh and severed a testicle.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DR. SUSAN HILLRIDGE'S RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY]
(GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY walk up the porch. SGT. O'RILEY rings the doorbell. A dog barks from inside.)
(The door opens and a woman is standing there.)
Susan Hillridge: Can I help you?
Sgt. O'Riley: Are you Susan Hillridge?
Susan Hillridge: Yes. "Doctor" Hillridge.
(The dog in question barks and trots over to the two men in the doorway. It's a huge dog. He barks again and jumps on GRISSOM, his paws resting comfortably on GRISSOM'S shoulders, standing on his hind legs and bringing his face directly in front of GRISSOM'S.)
(SGT. O'RILEY automatically reaches for his g*n. So do the other OFFICERS in the background standing out in the front yard.)
(GRISSOM holds the dog's paws while trying to avoid the dog's enthusiastic face licks.)
Grissom: Is this your dog Doctor?
Susan Hillridge: (amused) Yes. Simba.
Grissom: Well, you have a problem.
(She doesn't seem surprised by this.)
Susan Hillridge: Oh, no. Not again.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - DAY]
(GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY question SUSAN HILLRIDGE outside in the front of the house.)
Susan Hillridge: What makes you think that Simba had anything to do with that jogger's death?
Grissom: There have been complaints about your dog in the past.
Sgt. O'Riley: Your meter reader's singing soprano.
Susan Hillridge: Oh, I get it now. You're talking about my old dog, Dickie. He was aggressive. That's why I put him down. Simba just gets out of the yard a lot.
(She indicates this dog being held in check by two OFFICERS.)
Grissom: The dog we're looking for is missing a tooth. I noticed that Simba is also missing a tooth.
Susan Hillridge: Okay, he is missing a tooth. But he just gets out and wrestles with neighbors' garbage cans. He's not a violent dog.
Grissom: That may be. We still have to take him into custody until we can determine whether or not he had any involvement in this homicide.
(SGT. O'RILEY turns and calls out to the OFFICERS.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Officers, go ahead. He's all yours.
(The two OFFICERS lead SIMBA away.)
Susan Hillridge: You're making a mistake.
Grissom: You said that you were a doctor. May I ask your specialty?
Susan Hillridge: Nutrition. My patients are mostly professional athletes.
Grissom: Do you ever consult with amateur athletes? Like marathoners?
Susan Hillridge: You mean like that jogger? What was his name?
Grissom: Terry Manning.
Susan Hillridge: Doesn't ring a bell. And I'm very good with names, Mr. Grissom. You'll let me know when I can pick up Simba.
Grissom: You're assuming a lot.
(She takes a step back.)
Susan Hillridge: So are you.
CUT TO:
[INT. DNA LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE is in the DNA lab while GREG is getting her test results.)
Catherine: So you did the tox screen on my carny?
(GREG pulls back from the counter he's leaning on and stands back, hands in his pockets.)
Greg Sanders: Roger that. You know, I have seen guys drink, like, five gallons of water to try and dilute their urine. It's the old straight flush. But all bad boy Sanders has to do is just test their specific gravity and-- blammo! -- I can still catch their toxic butts.
Catherine: Mm-hmm. So?
Greg Sanders: So your guy didn't do that.
Catherine: Great. What did he do? Try and mask it?
Greg Sanders: No.
Catherine: Oh, come on. That creep tested clean?
Greg Sanders: Yeah. For someone who's on the pill.
Catherine: What?
(GREG points to the monitor.)
Greg Sanders: He's got synthetic estrogen in his urine sample. Should modulate his mood swings.
(CATHERINE closes her eyes and sighs.)
Catherine: Oldest trick in the book. Somebody else's urine. Probably keeps a stash in his trailer and that uniform was too green to look for it.
Greg Sanders: Isn't that in the constitution somewhere? A man's inalienable right to pee in private?
(SARA opens the door to the lab and walks inside. She lingers in the doorway.)
Sara: Hey, I just got off the phone with OSHA. Our carnival has violations in eight states.
Catherine: What a surprise.
Sara: But that's not all. More than half these guys have records. And Pickens, the boss? His real name is Roger Peet. He's a convicted sex offender on parole.
Catherine: Let's go.
(CATHERINE and SARA head out of the lab. GREG waves them bye.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS interview THOMAS PICKENS/ROGER PEET)
Thomas Pickens: How was I supposed to know she's 16 and a half? From the neck down she was all grown up.
(He looks over at BRASS and smiles.)
Thomas Pickens: You know what I mean?
(BRASS, arms crossed and leaning against the wall, doesn't smile back.)
Brass: I have a teenage daughter. So, no, I don't know what you mean.
(THOMAS PICKENS sits back in his seat and crosses his arms.)
Thomas Pickens: Jerry Lee Lewis, man. Same thing happened to him. What's all this got to do with the little d*ad girl, anyway?
Sara: You tell us.
Thomas Pickens: I was walking down the midway
(Quick flashback to: [EXT. CARNIVAL-DAY] THOMAS PICKENS walks outside the carnival looking at the people around him.)
Thomas Pickens: ... and I seen this woman come whishing out of the tunnel, screaming for her daughter.
(The doors to the Tunnel of Love open and CARLA DANTINI is standing in the car.)
Carla: (screaming and crying) My baby! My baby! My baby!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Thomas Pickens: Me and Joey -- he's the operator -- we h*t the k*ll switch, stopped the ride, ran in the tunnel and looked for the kid. And I seen her laying facedown in the pool of water. That's it.
Catherine: What did you do?
Thomas Pickens: I didn't do nothing. She was d*ad. I didn't come within two feet of her. I'm sorry about what happened. But that's all that I know.
(Again, he sits back in his seat, arms crossed in front of him. CATHERINE leans in forward toward him.)
Catherine: If you so much as breathed on this child, the evidence will tell me. You can dope your urine change your name compare yourself to Elvis himself, but if you harmed Sandy Dantini, I'm going to get you.
(CATHERINE turns and storms out of the interview room. SARA follows her.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks out of the interview room and into the hallway. SARA closes the door behind her.)
Sara: You worried you tipped your hand in there?
Catherine: No.
Sara: Look, don't bite my head off, but any chance you're going after this guy because you're a mother?
(CATHERINE stops and turns around to look at SARA.)
Catherine: Pickens is a drug addict and sex offender operating a two-ton kid magnet.
Sara: Yeah.
Catherine: Did you take a look around that carnival?
Sara: Maybe.
Catherine: Did you notice anything about those other rides? Ferris wheel-single cars in the open. Zipper-single cars in the open. Himalaya-group cars in the open. How come Pickens was hanging around the only ride that takes kids into the dark?
(SARA nods as she listens.)
Catherine: What if he pulled that little girl out of the car?
(SARA thinks about it.)
Sara: You have anything to support that?
(Without another word, CATHERINE turns around and walks away. SARA turns and calls out after her.)
Sara: Hey. (mutters) We aren't going to lunch, are we?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM sits in his office and shows the mold to NICK.)
Grissom: Simba's mold's still damp, but you can see it's a perfect match to the bite mark on the jogger.
Nick: Does this mean Simba's going to the big dog pound in the sky?
Grissom: No. We need to build some more evidence. Find some jogger in Simba's stool.
Nick: Well, I can tell you we found a unique sample at the crime scene. Great dane-sized scat containing bits of premium pet store kibble.
Grissom: How premium?
Nick: Sirloin, rice -- nothing artificial.
Grissom: We need to find out what Dr. Hillridge feeds her dog.
(GRISSOM stands up, grabs his jacket and heads out.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK is heading through the hallway. He meets up with GRISSOM and NICK.)
Warrick: Just coming to see you. You remember that ice we found at the crime scene?
(GRISSOM puts his jacket on and picks up the container in WARRICK'S hand to look at it.)
Grissom: There's nothing in here.
Warrick: It didn't melt. It evaporated.
Nick: Dry ice. Frozen co2 sublimates into invisible gas, not water.
Warrick: The jogger was missing some organs.
Grissom: Surgical teams use dry ice to pack organs shipped for transplant.
Warrick: It just so happens the dog's owner is a doctor.
Nick: Surgeon?
Grissom: Nutritionist. But all medical residents have surgical rotations. Fellas, we have a doctor's appointment.
Warrick: Yeah.
(They all head out.)
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -DAY]
(NICK is in the backyard checking the ground.)
(WARRICK is inside the house examining the living room. He looks behind the painting, leans down and opens the drawers of the table. He looks inside the cabinet, then looks around the living room.)
(In the backyard, NICK crouches down and finds a sample of dog scat on the ground. He opens the container and pauses just before picking up the sample. He puts the sample inside the container and looks around.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM walks into the kitchen where SUSAN HILLRIDGE is putting items into a blender. Her back is to him.)
Grissom: Would you mind if I looked in your freezer?
Susan Hillridge: I have a patient coming in exactly twenty minutes so if you want to r*fle around until then, fine but I will not leave my place of business.
Grissom: No one's asked you to.
(She glances over her shoulder at GRISSOM.)
(After a moment, she returns to her blender.)
(GRISSOM turns and opens the large stainless steel refrigerator and looks inside. There are stacks of plastic containers neatly stacked and labeled. Every shelf is well organized.)
(He closes the door.)
Susan Hillridge: You're very organized, Dr. Hillridge. I imagine you're upset about your dog -- having to put him down if it comes to that.
(She turns and looks at him to correct his thinking.)
Susan Hillridge: I don't hold onto things. I accept the evolution of change. We live, we die, we replenish the earth.
(She nods, then turns back to her blender.)
Grissom: Man's best friend ... but not yours, huh?
Susan Hillridge: None of us gets out alive. I would think, in your job, you'd know that.
(She turns around and takes a step toward GRISSOM. In one hand, she holds a beet. In the other hand, she grabs a large cutting Kn*fe and holds it up, point toward the ceiling.)
Susan Hillridge: But if we treat our bodies like a temple we can cheat time.
(She stares at his eyes ... )
Susan Hillridge: Your eyes ...
Grissom: (startled) What?
Susan Hillridge: The lower rims are pale. You're deficient in folic acid. You're not eating your beets. Two beets have 54% percent of the RDA.
(She nods, then turns back to the counter. She puts the beets on the cutting board and cuts it expertly as GRISSOM watches. She puts the pieces in the open blender.)
Grissom: May I ask you what medical school you attended?
Susan Hillridge: Will that help with your investigation?
Grissom: I just thought, the way you handled that Kn*fe...
Susan Hillridge: (realizes) Oh, the Kn*fe. (shakes her head) No. I was in the CIA. Culinary Institute of America.
(She turns back to her blender and mixes the drink.)
(When she's done, she gets a glass and fills it up.)
Susan Hillridge: Tell me, Mr. Grissom, how does a man choose death as his profession?
Grissom: It chose me, actually.
Susan Hillridge: Will, I guess one man's corpse is another man's candy. (She holds out her shake toward him.) Care for a sip? It's full of folacin.
Grissom: No, thanks.
(WARRICK walks into the kitchen. SUSAN HILLRIDGE takes a sip of her drink.)
Warrick: Gris, can I show you something?
(He nods, then excuses himself from her.)
Grissom: Excuse me.
CUT TO:
[INT. HILLRIDGE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(WARRICK gingerly carries a long thin box. He shows it GRISSOM and reads the small plaque on the cover.)
Warrick: Surgery equipment. "Emory Medical Supplies, Boston, Mass., 1875."
(He opens the box and inside there are surgery equipment.
Warrick: Antiques.
(GRISSOM takes out one of them and holds it up to the light.)
Grissom: Boy, these are well maintained.
Warrick: Exactly. What I find interesting is that she keeps them near the door, not in the office. In case she needs to break out and go do some work.
Grissom: Maybe she makes house calls.
(There's a light knocking on the front door. It opens and a man walks in.)
Grissom: May we help you?
Edwin: Yes. Dr. Hillridge around? I'm here for a 4:00.
(From the kitchen, SUSAN HILLRIDGE walks out. She looks up at EDWIN and smiles.)
Susan Hillridge: Edwin. You look great today. How did the race go?
Edwin: I finished in three hours and ten minutes.
Susan Hillridge: You can do better.
(They both turn and head out of the room past GRISSOM and WARRICK. She turns and looks back at them, then follows EDWIN.)
(They leave.)
(WARRICK turns to GRISSOM.)
Warrick: She gives me the willies.
Grissom: We can't arrest her for that.
Warrick: Yeah, well, maybe we can link these to the crime. Her dog may have eaten that jogger but he can't harvest the organs.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the findings with CATHERINE and SARA.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: No question about it -- the cause of death is drowning.
Catherine: How tall was the victim?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Three feet, give or take an inch.
Catherine: The water was a foot and a half deep. She could've easily climbed out, unless she was unconscious.
Sara: Maybe she had a minor concussion, or was stunned. That could explain why she couldn't get out.
Dr. Albert Robbins: I checked, believe me. She didn't. The only injury I could find on this little girl was a fractured forearm.
Catherine: Spiral or straight?
Dr. Albert Robbins: X rays just came back. Let's see.
(They all turn and head for the x-ray table. DR. ROBBINS puts the two x-rays on the table.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Spiral. That's not from a fall.
Catherine: Somebody twisted that little girl's arm hard enough to break it.
(Quick CGI POV of the bone in the arm breaking. End of CGI POV.)
Sara: Perimortem?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Swelling takes at least two to four minutes of active circulation. There's no swelling, so it had to happen moments before she died.
Sara: So someone did yank her out of that car in the dark.
(Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS grabs SANDY DANTINI out of the car. She yells for her mother.)
Sandy Dantini: Mommy!
(CARLA steps out of the car.)
Carla Dantini: Sandy!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Wait. Pickens yanks her out just so he can drown her?
Catherine: He's a sex offender. He was going to take her someplace.
Sara: Not without someone seeing him.
Catherine: You read the OSHA report. How many emergency doors were operational?
Sara: None.
Catherine: He was trapped like a rat.
(Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS tries to get the door open and it's stuck. He's carrying SANDY in his other arm. She's crying.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: He did the only thing he could -- he hid the evidence.
(Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, THOMAS PICKENS has water up to his elbows. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Drowned the little girl.
Sara: (nods) I'm going to go call Brass.
(SARA leaves. CATHERINE turns to look at DR. ROBBINS.)
Catherine: You're going to enter this as a homicide, right?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Technically, it's somewhere between accidental and undetermined.
Catherine: It's a homicide. I'm going to get your proof. So write down that
"accidental" in pencil.
(CATHERINE turns to leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks out of the autopsy room and takes off her mask and smock. In the back of the hallway, CARLA DANTINI turns the corner and makes her way toward CATHERINE. She walks up to CATHERINE.)
Carla Dantini: Can you help me? I need to find out when my daughter's going to be released.
Catherine: I'm not a coroner. What's your daughter's name?
Carla Dantini: Sandy Dantini.
Catherine: (inhales) Oh, Mrs. Dantini. I'm Catherine Willows, from the Crime Lab. You've spoken with my colleague, Sara Sidle. I'm so sorry.
Carla Dantini: Um... did you find out what happened at the carnival to my baby?
Catherine: Actually, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is it possible that someone reached into your car and pulled out your daughter?
Carla Dantini: I ... thought it was an accident. You read all the time about how dangerous amusement parks can be. You think it can never happen to you. You think you can protect your kids.
Catherine: Well, when you went in the water to try to save Sandy did you hear anything? Did you... sense that anyone was there... in the dark?
Carla Dantini: I-I-I don't know. I mean, well, you know, it all happened so fast. I was ... focused on finding Sandy. Do you ... do you think someone else was there?
Catherine: I'm not ruling anything out.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. DESERT HAVEN MORTUARY - DAY]
(GRISSOM is at the mortuary speaking with RANDY GESEK, the funeral director.)
Randy Gesek: Look, I didn't do anything wrong. I may have recycled a few caskets but you're talking about a whole different ball game, here.
Grissom: Mr. Gesek, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm not even here officially. Think of yourself as a consultant to the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
(RANDY GESEK turns to look at GRISSOM.)
Randy Gesek: Do I get paid?
(GRISSOM doesn't bother answering the question.)
Grissom: What do you know about organ theft?
Randy Gesek: Oh, if I was in that business I wouldn't worry about getting paid. You know, there are places overseas that'll pay 50 grand for one lung? Sixty for a heart?
Grissom: And you know this because...?
Randy Gesek: Not firsthand. Not even secondhand. At the last funeral directors' convention ... you'd be amazed what you hear. But, you know, it takes a lot to keep a business afloat.
Grissom: Tell me about the local market for organs.
Randy Gesek: Well, we're talking about life and death. It's probably pretty good.
Grissom: If someone was disemboweled and their liver taken what would that go for?
Randy Gesek: Menu, everything a la carte. Corneas, $5,000. Kidney, $20,000. Liver, 40. Bowel, 30. Pancreas, 18.
Grissom: It's amazing what you can learn at a convention.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY]
(NICK walks from the hallway into the lab looking for WARRICK.)
Nick: Warrick. I got a match.
Warrick: Yeah. You want to hand me those filter papers right there?
(NICK hands him the papers.)
Nick: The scat I found at the crime scene and the scat from the doctor's house are the same, except for one difference. The stuff from the backyard -- full of human cellular tissue. Jogger DNA.
Warrick: So we got the right dog. Well, let's see if the owner cut the vic up.
(WARRICK holds up the scalpel.)
Warrick: Reactive agents. One part leuko-malachite.
(He adds drops of the first agent to the filter paper.)
Warrick: One part hydrogen peroxide -- used by blondes everywhere.
(He adds drops of the second agent to the filter paper. NICK smiles. They both watch as the filter paper changes color.)
Warrick: Blue.
Nick: Weird, isn't it?
Warrick: What's that?
Nick: To prove the presence of heme -- the stuff that makes blood red ...
Warrick: ... turns the swab blue.
Nick: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY]
(THOMAS PICKENS argues with CATHERINE and SARA out in front of the Tunnel of Love.)
Thomas Pickens: I own this attraction and it's going with me to the next town.
Catherine: It's evidence. It's not going anywhere. Nothing is.
(He takes a couple of thr*at steps toward CATHERINE.)
Thomas Pickens: What, says you two string beans?
Catherine: It's going to take a lot more than vegetable insults to get us to move.
Thomas Pickens: Lady, you don't know who you're messing with.
Catherine: Oh, I know exactly who you are, Mr. Pickens. And if you so much as look at me in the wrong way, I will personally lock you in a cell with someone who's going to do the same thing to you that you've been doing to those little girls.
(BRASS approaches the group accompanied by two officers.)
Brass: Whoa, whoa. What, you start the party without me? That could get dangerous. Thomas Pickens?
Thomas Pickens: Yeah.
Brass: I got a court order. These rides stay in Vegas and you're coming with me.
Thomas Pickens: You pullin' my pud?
Brass: You know, the thought never crossed my mind. Come on.
(BRASS, the two OFFICERS leave with THOMAS PICKENS. SARA turns around and smiles at CATHERINE. Clearly, she's enjoying this.)
Catherine: What?
Sara: Nothing. This is fun.
Catherine: As compared to what?
Sara: As compared to a more scientific approach.
(It takes a moment, then CATHERINE smiles also.)
CUT TO:
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM sits behind his desk delivering the bad news to NICK and WARRICK.)
Grissom: I'm sorry, guys. If she cut up that jogger she didn't use that scalpel.
Nick: But we found evidence of blood on it.
Grissom: I had Sanders run a degradation on that same sample. The blood is 50 to 200 years old -- antique, like the scalpel -- ruling out the possibility it was used in the m*rder of our jogger.
(GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Grissom: Yeah. I'll be right out. (He hangs up.) I have a visitor.
(GRISSOM stands to leave the office.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(SUSAN HILLRIDGE looks at the various items in the display case. Through the mirror, she sees GRISSOM walk past behind her. She turns around and taps him on the shoulder. She holds up a container of pills for him.)
Susan Hillridge: Hi. I have folic acid. I was worried about your eyes.
(GRISSOM takes the container.)
Susan Hillridge: I assume my surgical instruments came back clean, or relatively clean.
Grissom: Are you here for a nutritional consultation or to eavesdrop on my investigation?
Susan Hillridge: Actually, my house felt a little crowded -- all those men you sent.
(Behind them, a group of OFFICERS walk in past them carrying arm loads of paper bagged evidence.)
Grissom: The, uh, police sent them.
Susan Hillridge: But you dictated the scope of the warrant. They're taking everything from my kitchen and office.
Grissom: You have three prior complaints in three separate states for owning vicious dogs.
Susan Hillridge: And? What else do you know about me?
Grissom: Each complaint is from a mountain state.
Susan Hillridge: Is it a crime to like the mountains?
Grissom: No. Only if we find other joggers have turned up d*ad. What's a liver go for these day
Susan Hillridge: What?
Grissom: Terry Manning was missing several key organs-- healthy organs.
Susan Hillridge: You disappoint me. I thought you were smarter than that. Coenzyme q-10 could help with mental acuity.
(She takes a couple of steps toward the door, then turns around.)
Susan Hillridge: "The last act is bloody, however, fine the rest of the play."
(Quotes always piques GRISSOM'S interest.)
Grissom: Pascal. Very impressive. I prefer Buddha, though. "Even death is not to be feared by those who lived wisely."
Susan Hillridge: One request. Ask them not to leave my house a mess. You know how I like order.
(She turns and leaves. GRISSOM watches her go.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(In the layout room, WARRICK and NICK have all the items taken from SUSAN HILLRIDGE'S place spread out on the table. They're both busy spraying luminol on the items when GRISSOM walks into the lab and sees what they're doing.)
Grissom: What, are you guys working in bulk now?
Nick: Hey, you're the one who said that lady doc keeps skipping town.
Warrick: If the jogger's blood is in any of this stuff, we need to find it now.
Nick: This is only part of the kitchen-- the rest is in those bags and boxes.
(NICK points to the items on the counter behind GRISSOM who turns around to look at them.)
Warrick: I'm ready, Nick. You want to h*t the lights?
Nick: Yeah.
(NICK turns off the lights. They start looking for any signs of blood.)
(GRISSOM walks around the table and reaches out for the blender, the bottom of which is glowing. He turns and looks both at WARRICK and NICK.)
Grissom: She made a protein shake in this yesterday right in front of me.
Warrick: Why would she do that?
Grissom: Get this to DNA --see if this is the jogger's blood.
Warrick: I'd place a bet on it.
(WARRICK picks up a package to put the blender inside. GRISSOM picks up a drinking glass that's also glowing. He holds it up.)
Nick: (surprised) Whoa, whoa. So she's not selling the organs on the black market ... she's eating them?
Grissom: Possibly drinking them.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT]
(Someone drops a dummy on the ground behind CATHERINE and SARA. They both turn around and look at the Tunnel of Love. There are cops and techs everywhere.)
Catherine: I want four techs in there. Let's try to pull the girl out from every conceivable angle.
Officer: You got it.
(Cut to: SARA snaps a photo.)
Sara: Okay, based on our theory a loose seat belt enabled Pickens to yank the little girl out of her seat.
(SARA takes another photo. CATHERINE moves and takes a seat inside the car.)
Catherine: Mom was on the left. Where's my dummy?
(The tech walks up carrying the dummy.)
Catherine: Forty-two pounds?
(The tech nods and helps put her into the car next to CATHERINE.)
Sara: Just like little Sandy.
(SARA continues to take photos. CATHERINE puts on the seat belts.)
Catherine: And, just like ... the loose seat belt.
(SARA presses the button and starts the ride.)
(The car enters the Tunnel of Love.)
(Cut to: SARA watches the monitors as the techs inside try to yank the dummy out of the car.)
(The first tech tries. The second tech tries. The third tech also tries. All are unsuccessful.)
(The ride ends.)
Catherine: The belt wasn't loose enough to yank the girl out. Forget Pickens.
Sara: The only person who could have done it, then is the person that was in the car with her-- the mother.
Catherine: Her eyes were pointing in the wrong direction.
Sara: (shakes her head) I'm sorry. What?
Catherine: Carla Dantini was looking left when she told me about the accident.
(Quick flashback to: [CSI HALLWAY - DAY] Camera is in slow motion as CARLA DANTINI talks. Her eyes open and shift toward her left. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: When a person is remembering, they look right and when they're creating, they look left.
Sara: And by creating, you mean fabricating. Neurolinguistics programming -- human behavioral science.
Catherine: Call Brass and tell him to meet us at the mother's house.
(SARA sighs. CATHERINE is just stunned.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY interview SUSAN HILLRDIGE.)
Susan Hillridge: Mr. Grissom. You're looking grim. I'm afraid I don't have a supplement for that.
Grissom: We found blood in your kitchen blender. The lab has matched it to the d*ad jogger.
Susan Hillridge: It had to happen eventually.
Grissom: Why?
Susan Hillridge: You're the scientist. I should have thought you'd figured that out.
Grissom: I haven't.
Susan Hillridge: Think of the bugs, Grissom. Cycle of life. Angels versus insects. When we die the fable we tell ourselves is we go toward a white light and angels. But you and I both know the hard reality is that insects arrive immediately and begin turning us back to earth.
Grissom: Yes. But the insects haven't k*lled anyone.
Susan Hillridge: No. But they'd die if they didn't have bodies to feed off of. And so will I.
(GRISSOM looks at SUSAN HILLRIDGE.)
Susan Hillridge: Porphyria.
Grissom: The madness of King George.
Susan Hillridge: Or the Legend of the Vampire. Which makes it a real hard disease to have. But it's real for me.
Grissom: It's genetic.
Susan Hillridge: The only thing my father ever gave me. The first time it presented was after a minor sunburn. My lips receded -- so did my gums. I increased my glucose intake and I was fine ... for a while. I began a drug regimen but they only treated the symptoms. I had my spleen removed because it absorbed my blood. But nothing helped. Lesions started forming on my face. That's when I bought my first dog. b*ll*ts and poison leave residue in the blood. Dogs k*ll clean. Imagine what I'd look like by now without them.
(Quick CGI POV of: Camera close up of SUSAN HILLRIDGE as she is now. Then slowly her face morphs and her skin wrinkles, legions form. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Grissom: You could've tried intravenous hematin.
Susan Hillridge: Human blood is the richest source of heme.
Grissom: And so you extracted the organs with the most blood-- the liver, the spleen, the heart.
Susan Hillridge: If you lock me up, I'll go mad.
Grissom: Unfortunately, a symptom of your condition. But you've been k*lling people, doctor.
Susan Hillridge: I'll die in prison.
Grissom: Yes, but the people you'd be feeding off of will still be alive. Cycle of life.
(She smiles at him as he throws her own words back at her.)
Grissom: (to O'RILEY) Sergeant.
(SGT. O'RILEY stands up and walks over to her. He puts the hand cuffs on her.)
Officer: You're under arrest for the m*rder of Terry Manning.
(GRISSOM sits stoically in his chair. SUSAN HILRIDGE stops as she passes GRISSOM.)
Susan Hillridge: You have one more question. How could I consume raw organs? Not morally -- aesthetically. I dried them and ground them into powder.
Grissom: Protein powder.
(She turns and leans in close to GRISSOM. There are tears streaming down her face, knowing that she's going to die and exactly how it's going to happen. Nothing matters now. She gives it all up to him.)
Susan Hillridge: You want an empirical experience? There's a fresh shake in my fridge.
(O'RILEY leads SUSAN HILLRIDGE to the door where he hands her over to an OFFICER standing just outside in the hallway.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Let's go. Officer.
(He closes the door and turns back to GRISSOM.)
Sgt. O'Riley: She is nuts, right?
(GRISSOM turns and looks up at SGT. O'RILEY.)
Grissom: She's a cold blooded k*ller.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DANTINI RESIDENCE - PORCH - NIGHT]
(BRASS and CATHERINE walk up the front porch. BRASS knocks on the door.)
Catherine: You got the warrant, right?
Brass: Yeah, but it's limited in scope. The boyfriend's an attorney so we can't toss the place.
(SARA joins them. CARLA DANTINI and HUGH YOUNG walk up to the door and she opens it.)
Sara: Mrs. Dantini.
Carla Dantini: You have news about Sandy?
Sara: We may have a lead.
Catherine: We need to see the clothes that you wore the day that your daughter died.
Carla Dantini: Why?
Hugh Young: It's okay, honey. (to CATHERINE) I'm Hugh Young, Mrs. Dantini's attorney. Carla's grieving. We both are. Can't this wait till after the funeral?
Catherine: No, it can't.
Brass: Here's a warrant. Where's your bedroom?
CUT TO:
[INT. DANTINI RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(Spread out on the bed are the clothes that CARLA DANTINI wore. CATHERINE and SARA look through the items.)
Catherine: So this is everything that you wore at the carnival last night?
Carla Dantini: Yes.
(CATHERINE picks up the watch.)
Catherine: Your watch is waterlogged.
(Camera zooms in to the face of the watch to show the beads of water clinging to the inside of the glass. Resume normal view.)
Carla Dantini: Yes. I went into the water after my daughter.
Sara: So, you jumped in the water.
Carla Dantini: Yes.
Catherine: How come your shoes are dry?
Carla Dantini: Well ... it was yesterday. Of course they're dry.
Catherine: The lining's blue. If they'd gotten wet the indigo dye would have bled onto your white socks.
Sara: You never went in the water.
Catherine: If you didn't go into the water how did your watch get wet?
(HUGH YOUNG turns and looks at CARLA.)
Carla Dantini: (nervously) Like I told her, reaching for my daughter.
Catherine: You reached for her all right. (cc) To hold her under.
(Quick flashback to: Inside the Tunnel of Love, the car ride starts. Cut to: CARLA DANTINI has her hand in the water. Cut to: Just before the ride ends, she takes her hand out of the water. She readjusts herself in her seat, then prepares for her performance.)
(The car exits the ride.)
Carla Dantini: My baby!
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(CATHERINE nods. SARA, takes it one step further.)
Sara: And when she managed to grab onto you, you broke her arm.
Catherine: And you held her under while you sat in that car until you drowned her.
Hugh Young: Carla is any of this true?
(CARLA looks coldly at CATHERINE and SARA. She takes a deep breath.)
Carla Dantini: I want you to leave.
(CARLA heads out of the bedroom. CATHERINE follows her out into the hallway, angrily lecturing. CARLA doesn't stop.)
Catherine: You took your daughter to the carnival 'cause "kids get hurt there all the time". You thought the blame would leave town with the ride. Well, you should have planned better.
(CATHERINE catches up with CARLA and grabs her arm to stop her. CATHERINE stands in front of CARLA.)
Catherine: What did you actually think? That you and your boyfriend would run off like newlyweds? No kid? No cares?
(SARA and HUGH catch up with them.)
Hugh Young: I never thought anything like that.
Catherine: She did. (to CARLA) Didn't you?
(CARLA doesn't say anything for a moment.)
Carla Dantini: (coldly) I'm going to need a new lawyer.
(Disgusted, CATHERINE heads out.)
Catherine: (to SARA) Bag the evidence. (to BRASS) Arrest her, Jim.
(SARA turns and follows her.)
(In the living room, CATHERINE grabs her jacket when SARA catches up with her.)
Sara: Hey ...
(CATHERINE turns around.)
Sara: ... you all right?
Catherine: Yeah.
Sara: Since we skipped lunch, you want to get something to eat? Walk it off?
Catherine: I got to go home. (SARA nods.) Thanks. Rain check?
Sara: Mm-hmm.
(CATHERINE leaves. SARA turns around and heads back to the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE drives up and parks her car. She cuts her engine and hurries up to the front door. She knocks on the door.)
(The front door opens and PAUL NEWSOME stands there in his robe.)
Paul Newsome: You got my call.
(She nods and sighs.)
Catherine: It couldn't have come at a better time.
(He holds the door open for her. CATHERINE steps inside and stops next to him. He leans forward and they kiss.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x21 - Justice is Served"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT]
(Police cars and a helicopter chase after a speeding vehicle. Sirens wail.)
[EXT. INTERSTATE 15 -- LVPD SQUAD CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT]
(OFFICER METCALF is in one of the cars chasing the speeding vehicle and he's on the radio.)
Officer Metcalf: Unit 584-Adam. Please be advised we're in pursuit of a BMW going southbound on Interstate 15 at a high rate of speed.
Dispatch: (over radio) Roger, 158. You are cleared for maneuver.
(He swings out and tips the speeding vehicle in the rear bumper. The speeding vehicle continues on. He swings out again and tips the speeding vehicle in the rear bumper. This time, the speeding vehicle runs off of the road.)
(It comes to a stop on the side of the road. The Police Officer stops a safe distance behind it.)
(OFFICER METCALF jumps out of the police car with his g*n drawn.)
Officer Metcalf: Driver roll down your window. Let me see your hands.
(He slowly makes his way toward the car.)
(He reaches out a hand to open the car door.)
(Suddenly, the car door opens. He jerks back as two women dressed only in their underwear exit the car with their arms raised.)
Anna Leah (blonde): Don't sh**t. Don't sh**t! LORI (BRUNETTE): Don't sh**t. Don't sh**t.
(OFFICER METCALF raises his hand to stop the other officers from moving in. He reaches for his radio.)
Officer Metcalf: (to radio) Dispatch, unit 584 is a code four. We got a couple of girls joyriding. (to the other officer) Rookie, clear the vehicle!
(The two women stand their with their arms raised.)
(Cut to: The ROOKIE checks the front seat of the car and finds nothing. She backs out and closes the door.)
(She walks around to the back of the car where she starts looking around. She finds some blood on the rear bumper.)
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the blood.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. INTERSTATE 15 - SHOULDER (SOUTHBOUND) - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM slams the car door shut. Carrying his kit, he makes his way toward BRASS. They both walk toward the back of the car.)
Brass: {unintelligible}
Grissom: 4-19?
Brass: More like a four.
(Puzzled, GRISSOM turns to look at the car. BRASS lifts up the trunk hood.)
[INSIDE TRUNK POV]
(The trunk hood is raised and GRISSOM'S eyebrows rise in surprise. He looks at BRASS, then bends to put his kit down. He straightens and glances down at the trunk's contents.)
Grissom: (quoting) Ichabod was horror-struck on perceiving that he was headless."
(BRASS glances at GRISSOM.)
Brass: ...Sleepy hollow.
(GRISSOM glances back at BRASS.)
[RESUME REGULAR CAMERA ANGLE INTO THE TRUNK]
(Inside the trunk is a head severed at the neck. GRISSOM reaches in and lifts the eye lid to look at the pupil.)
Grissom: Vitreous humor is glazed over.
[INSIDE TRUNK POV]
Brass: What does that mean?
Grissom: That means that, six to eight hours ago somebody lost their head. Then ... somebody lost their head.
(Both turn glance at each other, then glance back at the head.)
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY/RECEPTION AREA- NIGHT]
(CATHERINE walks into the hallway and tosses an envelope into the outgoing mail basket on the reception desk.)
Catherine: Sayonara.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE walks into the break room, followed closely by SARA and NICK. They're extremely surprised to find GRISSOM already in the room and sitting behind the table.)
Catherine: Well, well, what a switch. You actually b*at us here.
Grissom: It's Evaluation Day.
Catherine: Hmm.
Grissom: Where's Warrick?
(SARA turns around to look. She glances at NICK, who raises his eyebrows at her.)
Catherine: He's working spillover -- personal thing -- kid he knows who's in trouble.
Grissom: Oh, that's right. (shakes his head as he remembers) He told me. I forgot.
Catherine: Well, maybe we should be evaluating you.
Grissom: You're a riot, Alice. You and I are going to work the head case.
(He hands the assignment slip to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: Goody.
Grissom: Nick, another homicide. 4-19, 40 miles outside of Baker.
(He hands the assignment slip to NICK. NICK takes it and pulls back to leave, thinking it's a solo.)
Nick: Okay. Good. I'm on it.
Grissom: Sara, you go with him.
Sara: (thrilled) Yes! Road trip.
(She turns around and taps NICK on the shoulders.)
Sara: I'm gonna go switch boots.
(SARA leaves the break room. NICK appears less than thrilled. He turns around and looks at GRISSOM. GRISSOM sees the look. So does CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Cath, I'll catch up with you.
(She nods and leaves.)
Catherine: I'll meet you at the autopsy. (glances back at GRISSOM) "Head"-topsy.
(She walks out of the room. NICK looks at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Sit down.
(NICK sighs and sits down.)
Nick: Look. Grissom I know this is a bad time to bitch to the boss but, uh, I've been a CSI Level 3 for nine months now. I was a CSI before Warrick. Warrick works D.B.'S solo. Why can't I?
Grissom: Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk.
Nick: "Silk, silk, silk"?
Grissom: At do cows drink?
Nick: Milk.
Grissom: (he shakes his head) Cows drink water. They give milk. A simple riddle. Common sense disguised in a puzzle of words, but an excellent barometer for evaluating someone's readiness.
Nick: (frustrated) Look, I'm not one of your suspects you can trick, okay? If I'm not ready, be a man -- tell me I'm not ready.
Grissom: You're not ready.
Nick: You know why I took this job? Honestly? I wanted to pack heat, walk under the yellow tape, be the man ... but mostly, because I want you to think I'm a good CSI.
Grissom: And that's the reason I have to hold you back.
(NICK shakes his head and looks away.)
Grissom: Anybody who's great at anything, Nick, does it for their own approval not someone else's.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(Alone in his autopsy room, DR. ROBBINS has the tape player blaring while playing his crutch like a guitar. He sings along to the music, his back to the door. He doesn't see GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the room.)
(He glances behind him and sees them standing there. He quickly reaches over to turn the volume down.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: uh, voice sound familiar?
Catherine: Kind of sounds like the daytime coroner.
Grissom: Gary Telgenhoff?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Yep. A songwriter in his off-time. What do you think?
Catherine: (considers) It sucks.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmm.
Catherine: Hey, I just filed for divorce. I'm feeling a little confident.
Grissom: (to CATHERINE) I guess. (to ROBBINS) I like it.
Catherine: So, where's the head?
(DR. ROBBINS reaches over and turns the music off. He turns toward the head.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, police I.D.'d him at the scene when they ran his plates compared the DMV head sh*t to the head. Grissom, Catherine, meet Victor Dasilva.
(DR. ROBBINS pulls the sheet aside to show them the head. GRISSOM walks around to the front of the head.)
(He looks at the top of the head and sighs.)
Grissom: What did this?
(Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the top of the head with a three-pronged indentation on the scalp.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Hard to tell without making a mold.
Grissom: Fatal blow?
Dr. Albert Robbins: (nods) Looks like it.
(CATHERINE leans in close to look at the markings on the jaw.)
Catherine: Man, look at those chopping wounds on the jawbone.
(Camera moves in for an extreme close up of the wound markings.)
Catherine: They almost look like practice swings.
Grissom: It could've been dark. Bad aim, maybe?
Catherine: Definitely a crime of passion.
Grissom: You think a female could do this?
Catherine: I could have.
(b*at)
Grissom: (sing-song-ish) Scared of you.
(CATHERINE stands up.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: If you want to know what exact tools were used we're going to need to boil the head.
(Suddenly, GRISSOM is interested in this part of the investigation. He straightens and looks at DR. ROBBINS.)
Grissom: Really? You want me to prepare it?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Sure. What, uh, additive do you put in your boil?
(CATHERINE stiffens and listens to the conversation.)
Grissom: Laundry detergent. Works great. It's like peeling off a rubber halloween mask.
(GRISSOM makes a motion down the front of the head as if he were peeling off the skin. CATHERINE nods her head, barely containing her excitement.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Excellent.
(She can't take it anymore.)
Catherine: Well, I'm out of here. I'm going to be with Brass ... see if I can get anything on those Victoria's Secret girls.
(CATHERINE turns and leaves the room. GRISSOM and DR. ROBBINS immediately resume their conversation about the head.)
Grissom: Where's your crock-pot, Doc?
CUT TO:
[EXT. GUARD GATE HUT - INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX - NIGHT]
(WARRICK walks up to the parking lot. CHARLES MOORE stands there in his uniform with a clipboard in his hand. He turns when WARRICK calls out to him.)
Warrick: Mr. Moore.
(They both walk back to the guard gate.)
Charles Moore: My grandson won't take my calls. He'll only talk to you.
Warrick: I think James called me tonight because he thought I could help him.
Charles Moore: That was a nice thing you did giving him your pager number when he went away but he should be calling me. I'm his grandfather. I deserve to know what happened.
Warrick: James is all right but, uh, there was a big brawl at the detention center. James was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Charles Moore: (fearing the worst) What's my grandson looking at?
Warrick: If he talks, he'll be d*ad inside a month. Now, if he keeps quiet, the D.A. will put the squeeze on him. He'll probably end up in the big house you could lose your boy forever then.
Charles Moore: Why didn't James call me ... tell me?
Warrick: He probably knew what your advice would be. To do the honorable thing.
Charles Moore: There's no honor in jail.
Warrick: Not without a price. Look, a crime occurred. CSI's got full jurisdiction. I got myself assigned to the case. I'll see if I can take James out of the middle.
(MR. MOORE nods his head in appreciation, knowing that he can't do anything to help. WARRICK puts a supportive hand on his shoulder, then turns and walks away.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT]
(BRASS and CATHERINE interview the two girls who are now barefoot and wrapped in blankets.)
Brass: Can we offer you girls something to drink?
Lori: Please don't say that word.
Brass: You want to tell us why two college freshmen were driving a stolen BMW with a head in the trunk?
Anna Leah: We already told you. We had no idea that was in the trunk.
(She glances at her friend, LORI, who is looking away.)
Lori: (mutters) Gross.
Catherine: Now there's a start-- "gross." Gross negligence-- flying down I-15 in a stolen car. Gross anatomy-- a human bowling ball in the trunk. Gross details-- let's hear it.
(The two girls look at each other.)
Anna Leah: We lost our friends at bar 911.
(Quick flashback to: [BAR 911] Inside the crowded bar, the girls are sitting at the counter having drinks.)
Anna Leah: (V.O.) We had no ride home. We were bored. So, we started sh*ts of tequila ...
(The two girls throw back their heads to drink the sh*ts with a couple of guys at the bar.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Anna Leah: ... with some guy who looked like ... like Cat Stevens.
(The two girls glance at each other and chuckle at the memory.)
(Quick flashback to: [BAR 911] One of the guys standing between the two girls has his arm around both of them.)
(ANNA LEAH raises her arm up in the air and screams with excitement.)
Anna Leah: Whoo!
(Cut to: [PARKING LOT OF BAR 911] Inside the van in the parking lot, they're with the stranger who looks like Cat Stevens.)
Anna Leah: (V.O.) Next thing we know, we're in his van playing strip poker.
(LORI laughs and takes her t*nk top off and throws it at ANNA LEAH.)
Lori: I can't believe we're doing this.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(ANNA LEAH laughs at the memory.)
Anna Leah: It was a blast at first. Then, um ...
(She turns and looks over at CATHERINE and BRASS and she sobers up immediately.)
Anna Leah: Then he said the creepiest thing.
(Quick flashback to: [PARKING LOT OF BAR 911] Inside the van, as they're playing poker, they continue to play strip poker.)
Stranger: So, I met this girl on the internet who offered me a round-trip ticket to fly out and help her end her life. She wanted me to shove a tennis ball down her throat.
(Cut to: [PARKING LOT] The van doors burst open and the two women in their underwear stumble out of the van. They search frantically for a way to get away from the Stranger.)
(ANNA LEAH sees the red car parked in the parking lot just outside the COLLINS U-STORE-IT sign and heads for it. She opens the door and finds that it's unlocked.)
Anna Leah: Lori! Lori, over here! Lori!
(They both get inside the car. They take off.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Let me guess. You left your clothes in the van.
Lori: We were so out of there.
Anna Leah: This guy was weird. Like, way weird. I was thinking that he was going to pull a Silence of the Lambs on me and tell me to "put lotion in the basket."
(LORI nudges ANNA with her elbow. The two girls fall silent. Then ANNA chuckles at the memory. She tries to stop herself, but can't. Soon, they're both chuckling.)
(BRASS and CATHERINE aren't impressed. They glance slowly at each other.)
Brass: You know what I think? I don't think you two are m*rder. I think you're just felony stupid. But, for now, you're being booked on evading arrest, grand theft auto, DWI. You go with this officer here.
(They both stand up to do as they're told.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. -- NIGHT]
(JAMES MOORE and WARRICK walk outside as they talk.)
Man (over P.A.): Lockdown is in effect. All guards remain at your posts.
James Moore: I love my grandpa -- don't get me wrong -- but he's got no idea how it works in here. I'm not sure you do, either.
Warrick: Why don't you tell me?
James Moore: First off, this place only sees two colors: Black and white. You stay with your own. Despite what those chucks think upstairs this entire place is infiltrated with rolling 60s. Overflow from L.A.
Warrick: That's a lot of education in a short time, huh?
James Moore: Yeah. I mean, I'm just trying to survive, man. I'm 60 days and a wake-up unless I get got.
Warrick: James, why don't you take a deep breath and tell me what happened here.
James Moore: First, you got to tell me something. You got to tell me what side you're on.
Warrick: Whose "side" I'm on? Who reached out to you, man?
James Moore: Who put me in here?
Warrick: James, I'm trying to help you.
(JAMES glances at WARRICK and then makes a decision.)
James Moore: All right. It breaks down like this --
(Quick flashback to: The two inmates walk up to each other. One of them is holding a shank in the palm of his hand.)
James Moore: (V.O.) Kingpin from Gerson Park and Kingpin from L.A. County/Slauson both under one roof. It was time for one of them to stake their claim.
(The two men fight.)
James Moore: (V.O.) Vegas fool got shanked.
(The fight ends and the Vegas Kingpin is d*ad on the floor. Suddenly, they realize that JAMES is sitting on the bed. The remaining kingpin and two of his g*ng sit on the bed to talk with JAMES.)
James Moore: (V.O.) I was sitting right there. I had two things going against me: I'm the newest face and the only witness.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: So it's your life versus time.
James Moore: Basically, yeah and everybody knows about it. They're just waiting to see what I'm going to do. I sing ... they send me a song back. I shut up ... I'm your age when I get out.
(Camera holds on WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. 40 MILES OUTSIDE BAKER -- NIGHT]
(SARA and NICK approach SGT. O'RILEY who is standing outside next to his car waiting for them.)
Sara: Who found the body?
Sgt. O'Riley: Department of Agriculture. They were searching for wild horses in their chopper when they found it. None of the boys would even go near it. I had to tape the perimeter myself.
Sara: Where is it?
(He shines the light along the ground.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Just follow my prints.
(Cut to: SARA and NICK follow the footprints and approach what's left of the body. They see a clump of flesh and bones.)
Nick: Oh, man.
Sara: There's no head. Think it's DaSilva?
(NICK puts a hand up to cover his nose.)
Nick: If it's the rest of him he's been skinned.
Sara: Uh... hands and feet have been amputated.
Nick: Yeah. Most likely to avoid I.D. Hey, Sara.
Sara: Yeah?
(NICK shines the light on the ground around the corpse.)
Nick: No approaching surface prints. No tire tracks. Only O'Riley's boot prints. These are ours. Look at the area around the corpse. Look at the big dent in the ground, like a meteor h*t.
(Considering his implication, SARA ponders where the body could have come from, then looks up at the sky above.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. JUVENILLE DETENTION CENTER -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK walks through the courtyard where the detainees are milling outside. They watch as he approaches and walks through them to get inside.)
Caucasian Detainee: (V.O.) That guy's from the crime lab. You gonna spray some chemical stuff over the dorm, man?
Black Detainee: Hey, what you got in the tackle box, babe? You going fishing?
Black Detainee: Hey, brother, what's up? Let me talk to you real quick.
Deputy: Welcome to juvie. It's all yours.
(She nods her head toward the rooms inside.)
(She steps aside. WARRICK opens the door and walks in. He puts his kit down on the ground and starts looking around the room for evidence.)
(Cut to: WARRICK walks up to the pool of blood and the bloodied rag used to soak it up. He finds himself standing in front of bed 52.)
(He examines the wall in front of the bed. There are three things on the wall. A photo of JAMES with this GRANDFATHER; a card with a quote written on it: "A man's pride will bring him low; but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit."
Proverbs 29:23; and "WARRICK" 555-0127.)
(Cut to: WARRICK lifts up the top bunk's mattress.)
(Cut to: WARRICK checks another bunk. As he checks the bunk out, he sees a crucifix and two photos taped to the wall-one sepia-colored of a woman and the other black and white photo of a baby.)
(Cut to: A glimpse of a towel and toothpaste.)
(Cut to: WARRICK lifts up the mattress to look underneath it.)
(Cut to: WARRICK checks out the toilet stalls one by one. In the fourth stall, he notices that the toilet it backed up, seat dirty, water brown. He puts his kit down, rolls up his sleeve and sticks his hand inside.)
(He pulls out a blood-stained white shirt.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(NICK and SARA are back at CSI and just entering the garage. SARA is obviously hesitant about what they're about to do.)
Sara: I'm not sure you should be doing this.
Nick: What are we doing? Walking through the garage.
(NICK heads for the car.)
Sara: Snooping for trace on Grissom and Catherine's stolen BMW?
(NICK turns around to look at SARA.)
Nick: All right. It's simple. We got the body, they got the head. The BMW's fair game. Come on, Sara, where's your "Noriega"?
Sara: What has gotten into you?
Nick: Grissom.
(NICK opens the driver's side front door and starts looking around for trace. He starts checking the seats.)
(SARA takes a swab and takes a sample of the blood on the rear fender.)
(NICK continues to check out the front seat.)
(SARA tests the sample and the swab turns blue.)
(NICK kneels down and starts examining the front seat floor. He finds something stuck in the grooves of the pedal.)
Nick: Uh ... Sara ... want to take a look at this?
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the "body" with GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: It's like nothing I've seen before -- honestly, Gil -- in all my years.
Grissom: The head or the torso?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Torso. Look at the width of the ribcage -- it's enormous -
- and the shoulders are significantly larger in proportion and size compared to the average endomorph.
Grissom: The bone structure is disproportionate.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Correct. I measured the tibia and fibula around the ankle area then the radius and the ulna at the wrists -- the bones are 10-15% larger than the standard h*m* sapiens. Left fracture of the ischial prominence of the pelvis. Fracture of the pubis synphisus. Fracture of the lumbar spine vertebrae ...
Grissom: Anything not broken?
Dr. Albert Robbins: No, the trauma's similar to some of the leapers I get in here: Out of state, out of cash and out the window.
Grissom: su1c1de by hotel.
Dr. Albert Robbins: This was not a hotel. What you see here is the flattening and expansion of the body that could only be caused by the impact of a very steep fall. If I know anything, I know two unequivocal truths: Dasilva's head does not belong to this body. And the reason I know that is because the torso is not human.
Grissom: What is it?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I don't know. You're going to need an anthropologist.
(GRISSOM looks at DR. ROBBINS and considers this.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT]
(Cut to: A person puts their eye to the scope. With a focus on the person's eye, the camera pulls away backward inside the scope. Dissolve to: Change camera view of the two item pieces under the scope.)
Greg Sanders: uh-hmm.
(He looks through a second scope.)
Greg Sanders: uh-hmm.
(He looks to the open reference book, CRIMINALIST BUREAU-REFERENCE DATA, on the side and flips the page ... Filbert (Hazelnut) ... Brazil Nut ... Almond ... He keeps flipping the pages while NICK and SARA wait for him.)
(NICK sighs.)
(Finally, GREG straightens and looks at SARA and NICK.)
Greg Sanders: Squirrels love 'em ... they get tossed at dodger stadium and they make a hell of a butter.
Sara: You're nuts. You know that.
Greg Sanders: Exactamundo.
(He turns to the reference book and flips the page: Peanuts! He points to it.)
Greg Sanders: Peanuts! Right scope's the shell left scope's the skin of the nut. Think "peanuts español."
Nick: Peanuts on the gas pedal. You're kidding.
Greg Sanders: Uh-uh.
Sara: That's one of those funny clues. Could mean nothing or could mean everything.
Nick: Hmm.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. VICTOR DA SILVA'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(The front door opens. BRASS pushes aside the plastic sheet to walk into the residence, but instead comes face to face with a stranger in the house.)
Brass: Whoa. Who are you, pal?
Trent Calloway: I'm Trent Calloway. Who are you?
Brass: I'm Jim Brass. Homicide. This is Gil Grissom. Crime lab. Does a Victor DaSilva live here?
Trent Calloway: Yeah, but he's out.
Grissom: And you're in.
Trent Calloway: Yeah. I'm painting the house.
Brass: In the middle of the night? Back up, Slick. We got some bad news.
(TRENT CALLOWAY backs up. BRASS and GRISSOM walk into the house.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. VICTOR DASILVA'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
(TRENT CALLOWAY wipes his hands with a rag.)
Brass: So when was the last time you saw Victor DaSilva with his head attached?
Trent Calloway: A day or two ago.
(GRISSOM looks around and sees a painting resting against the wall under the plastic sheet.)
Trent Calloway: This whole painting thing had him stressed out.
(GRISSOM picks up the painting and reads it.)
Grissom: "Picking up airheads just got easier."
Trent Calloway: Yeah. He worked freelance mostly. He won a "bandy" award for that one.
Brass: So he worked for an ad agency. What else did he do for a living?
Trent Calloway: That's it, as far as I know.
(GRISSOM puts the painting back down against the wall.)
Brass: What about you? I mean, besides painting walls.
Trent Calloway: I'm a bouncer at the french palace. I throw guys like you out.
(BRASS chuckles.)
Brass: Yeah. You know, you don't seem too shook up about DaSilva's death.
Trent Calloway: We weren't that close. We had some mutual friends, he needed someone to help him with this place and, uh, I never turn down a job.
(GRISSOM steps away and looks around.)
Brass: Well, I hope you got paid in advance.
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway. He pushes the plastic sheet aside and walks into the bedroom. He looks around the place. He shines the light on the open closet, puts down his kit and reaches to turn the closet light switch on.)
(GRISSOM kneels down and picks up a pair of shoes. He looks at their soles. He examines another pair of shoes ... and another. He continues to examine the shoes when BRASS walks in holding a photo.)
Brass: Found a picture of Victor DaSilva and, uh ... somebody.
Grissom: What does that mean?
Brass: Cut out.
(BRASS shows the photo to GRISSOM who takes it and looks at it.)
Grissom: So bizarre, human behavior. What you can't cut out of your mind you can always cut out of your photo album.
Brass: Why are we in the closet?
Grissom: I got a call from Greg Sanders, at our lab. He found peanut shells on the foot pedals of Victor DaSilva's car.
Brass: Hmm.
(GRISSOM stops as the pair of shoes in his hands has peanut shells stuck on the undersides.)
Grissom: And voila.
Brass: (yells) Mr. Calloway, would you mind coming in here, please?
(GRISSOM stands up with the pair of shoes in his hands. TRENT CALLOWAY walks into the bedroom.)
Grissom: Mr. Calloway ... is there a remote possibility that Victor DaSilva ever worked at a concession stand of some sort like at a ballpark or ... the secret garden of Siegfried and Roy in the elephants' habitat?
Trent Calloway: I don't think it's Victor's style. This is ridiculous.
Grissom: Well, not according to his size 11s.
(TRENT doesn't say anything. GRISSOM looks at TRENT.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER -- NIGHT]
(The door opens. The MAINTENANCE ENGINEER leads WARRICK through the backroom where the pipes are.)
Maintenance Engineer: I'm Telling you ... the kids in here got nothing but time. You'd be surprised what they can come up with.
Warrick: Nothing surprises me anymore.
Maintenance Engineer: Yeah? Wait awhile. This is the main thoroughfare for all the toilets. All the goods come through here.
(The MAINTENANCE ENGINEER puts his kit down and opens it.)
Maintenance Engineer: You know, it's funny -- I wanted to be a surgeon.
(He takes out a huge wrench.)
Maintenance Engineer: Step back for Molly.
(He uses the wrench and unscrews the pipe open. The pipe opens. WARRICK steps forward.)
Warrick: Step back for Warrick.
(WARRICK pushes up his jacket sleeve and leans in to look. He breathes out at the stench.)
Warrick: Whew!
(WARRICK sticks his hand in and up the pipe searching for whatever is blocking the flow.)
(He finds it and pulls it out. Excess water flows out of the pipe. WARRICK exhales at the stench.)
Warrick: Whew!
(He looks at what he pulled out. It's underwear wrapped around what looks like a sharpened toothbrush with a razor in its handle. He looks at the w*apon. He looks at the razor. Camera zooms in for a closeup.)
(He sighs.)
Warrick: Impressive.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM, SARA, NICK and DR. ROBBINS are in the autopsy room standing around the sheet-covered skinned body. TERI MILLER is also there. They remove the sheet to shower her the body.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Dr. Miller, this is outside my purview as a coroner.
(She looks at the body and steps forward. In her hand is a small microcassette recorder that she speaks into as she visually examines the body.)
Teri Miller: The specimen's pelvic girdle and spine ... are curved and upright suggesting the species may be quadrupedal. The left and right femur and humerus are derivative of the tarsius.
(She steps back, shakes her head, turns off the recorder and sighs.)
Teri Miller: I think I know what this is. Your preliminary evaluation is correct, Dr. Robbins. It's not human. It's a primate. More specifically, a gorilla.
(This surprises SARA. Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - NIGHT]
(SARA is sitting in the dark in the room looking at and listening to the computer information about gorillas.)
Narrator: (on computer) Bushmeat hunters thrive on the m*rder of gorillas for profit. In the United States their meat is considered a delicacy. It is said if the animal is ingested its great powers will be passed on to the consumer.
(In the doorway, GRISSOM suddenly switches the lights on, a clipboard in his hand. SARA turns to look at him.)
Grissom: What are you doing?
(GRISSOM walks into the room.)
Sara: Working the case.
Grissom: What case?
Sara: The skinned gorilla torso forty miles outside of Baker. Remember?
Grissom: I don't think that is a case.
Sara: Well, it was at the start of shift. A crime has been committed.
(GRISSOM looks at the table next to SARA and sees a CD ROM disk about "Gorillas" along with a companion magazine, "GORILLA: In it's Natural Environment".)
Grissom: I hate to be the one to state the obvious, but, uh ... this isn't a human being we're dealing with -- it's an animal.
(SARA waits for him to continue.)
Sara: And ...
Grissom: And every time a dog gets run over you can't go to the vet to examine it.
(SARA snorts, a smile on her face.)
Sara: I can't believe you. You, with your pet tarantula your maggot farms, that komodo dragon on back order ... you should be more sympathetic to the senseless m*rder of an innocent gorilla.
Grissom: (amused) You're right. I apologize. I was just checking to see where your head was at. For now, you're working alone. Catherine needed Nick.
Sara: Bummer.
(GRISSOM turns to head back toward the doorway.)
Grissom: We got another d*ad body call.
Sara: Wait. Is he missing a head?
Grissom: Maybe. Meantime, you're on standby in case Nick needs backup.
(SARA nods. GRISSOM turns the clipboard to show SARA the sheet that's on it.)
Grissom: Your evaluation form. "Overall performance: Outstanding." "Ability to prioritize:" ...
(GRISSOM turns and starts walking out the doorway. He throws over his shoulder ... )
Grissom: ... "Improvement needed."
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway. CATHERINE glances at her pager.)
Nick: You up for a riddle?
Catherine: Sure. Why not?
(She clips the pager to her waist.)
Nick: Okay, repeat after me: Silk, silk, silk.
Catherine: (puzzled) Silk, silk, silk.
Nick: (smiling) What do cows drink?
Catherine: Water. Why?
(NICK'S smile fades.)
Nick: (mutters) Never mind.
(He shakes his head and continues to walk through the hallway next to CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GREG looks at the toothbrush in his hand. WARRICK stands next to him.)
Greg Sanders: Who thought that a toothbrush could take a kid's life?
Warrick: Yeah. Son of a bitch was crafty -- I'll give him that. Melted the end of the toothbrush to insert the razor blade.
Greg Sanders: Then why the rubber band?
(WARRICK takes the toothbrush and pushes the rubber band up against the razor so that it's hidden.)
Warrick: Concealment.
Greg Sanders: Oh, that's deep.
Warrick: Yeah. Now all I got to do is put this shank in someone's hand.
CUT TO:
[EXT. COLLINS U-STORE IT - DAY]
(Establishing. Camera holds on the large sign. It reads: COLLINS U-STORE-IT CHEAP, CONVENIENT, SECURE. )
[INT. COLLINS U-STORE IT - HALLWAY - NIGHT]
(CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway carrying their kits. The officers there light the way toward the unit with the body.)
(As they turn the hallway, they notice bloodied prints on the ground.)
Catherine: Hey ... here's something new.
(CATHERINE and NICK stop at a bloodied print on the ground. CATHERINE puts her kit down.)
Catherine: The cousin of footprints. Sock prints ... look. That's not from a shoe. Look at the fabric impressions. The guy ran out of here in his socks.
Nick: (nods) Mm-hmm. Perp thought he could cover his tracks by taking off his shoes.
Catherine: (looks at NICK) He thought wrong.
(Cut to: CATHERINE and NICK duck under the crime scene tape and head for BRASS who starts filling them in on the details.)
Brass: Manager spotted the blood during a night sweep.
(NICK puts his kit down and walks in deeper into the unit.)
Brass: Want to know who the shed reregistered to? Victor DaSilva.
Catherine: Our head.
(NICK looks at the body in the trunk.)
Nick: Oh ... so this is the rest of his body?
Brass: It ain't gorilla.
(BRASS sighs, turns and leaves. CATHERINE and NICK watch for a moment, then turn back to the body in the trunk.)
Catherine: Well, this amount of blood suggests that the victim was k*lled here. Why don't I do the one-to-ones and you start looking for the w*apon?
Nick: Yeah-- whatever punctures, whatever chops.
(Cut to: CATHERINE snaps a photo. She takes out a small ruler from her kit and sets it down next to the sockprint. She snaps a couple more pictures.)
(Cut to: NICK checks out the shelves in the unit looking for the m*rder w*apon. The cabinet behind NICK is #253.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE also looks at the shelves.)
(Cut back to: NICK moves a painting aside.)
(Cut to: CATHERINE continues to look at the shelves. NICK picks up an old shirt and finds a hammer inside. He examines the hammer. On the shelf, CATHERINE finds a small hatchet wrapped in a piece of cloth.)
(NICK looks at the hammer in his hand.)
Nick: Bob Villa.
(CATHERINE looks at the blood on the hatchet.)
Catherine: Paul Bunyan.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE reaches in to the evidence box and takes out the skull. GRISSOM is looking at the bloodied hammer.)
Catherine: By the way, what about my evaluation?
(GRISOSM stops looking at the bloodied hammer and looks at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: Keep up the good work, Catherine.
(CATHERINE doesn't say anything as she glances at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Are those molds dry yet?
(CATHERINE removes the mold from the skull's jaw.)
Catherine: They're tacky.
(She compares the mold to the edge of the axe.)
Catherine: Hmm, positive to positive.
Grissom: That'll never hold up in court, though. We're going to need to make negative molds.
(CATHERINE puts the ax aside and holds out her hand for the hammer.)
Catherine: Tabling the ax. Hammer time.
(She compares the hammer to the mold taken from the top of the skull's head. She glances at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Um ... pretty close.
Grissom: All right, I fed the measurements from the claw end of the hammer.
(GRISSOM hits a couple of keys on the computer keyboard. He holds the scanner end against the skull. He hits the keyboard and the models on the monitor of the skull and the hammer match. Still, GRISSOM'S not satisfied.)
Grissom: Something doesn't seem right about this. Why would you use the claw end of the hammer to k*ll him and not the hammer end?
(CATHERINE thinks about it.)
Catherine: Wait a minute. Maybe it wasn't about hitting him in the head. Maybe it was about fitting him in the locker.
(Quick flashback to: The m*rder gathers the ends of the plastic around the head of the d*ad body and tries to close the trunk. The cover doesn't close. He pushes down hard on the cover, but it still won't fit.)
(Cut to: The m*rder unwraps the plastic from the head of the body. He pulls the head back over the edge of the trunk. He turns and grabs the hammer.)
(Cut to: With the claw hooked into the skull and holding it steady with one hand, the m*rder hacks at the neck with the ax. Blood spatters everywhere.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: (realizes) So the footlocker had no headroom.
Catherine: (smiles) Exactly.
CUT TO:
[EXT./INT. DA SILVA'S HOUSE - DAY]
(NICK cuts the red tape across the door to DaSilva's house. He opens the door and walks in, pushing aside the plastic sheets to enter the house. SARA follows behind him.)
(NICK looks around the living room.)
Sara: So, uh, Tricky Nick. What did you get on your evaluation?
(She taps him on the back of his shoulder to get his attention.)
Nick: It's private.
(They walk deeper into the house.)
Sara: Yeah, but how many "outstandings" did Grissom give you?
Nick: Enough.
(They walk into the bedroom.)
Sara: What did he tell you to look for?
(NICK puts his kit down in front of the closet and looks at SARA.)
Nick: Grissom didn't tell me anything.
(NICK opens the closet doors.)
Nick: I put this together myself.
(NICK kneels down on the closet floor in front of the line of shoes.)
Nick: Give me some light here, will you, partner?
Sara: Yeah.
(SARA steps forward to help. NICK starts checking all the pairs of shoes.)
Nick: All right, it's like this: Sock prints were found at the crime scene: Size 11. Shoes Grissom took from the closet here: Size 11. Dasilva's shoe size: Ten. So whose size 11's were they? Grissom missed something.
(He doesn't find anything, hangs his head and sighs heavily. SARA continues to look at the closet.)
(NICK raises his head and gives it another look. He checks a pair of shoes, then sees something caught inside the cuff of the pants hanging.)
(He reaches over and picks it up. SARA moves the flashlight to give him more light. They both look at the peanut and nod at each other.)
(They both stand up and take a look at the clothes the pants belong to. It's a yellow shirt with a patch over the left breast that reads: SPUR'S CORRAL.)
Sara: "Spur's Corral." I know that place. They give you peanuts for starters instead of bread or chips and salsa.
(NICK reaches for his phone.)
Nick: I'm calling Grissom.
Sara: Look, you obviously don't need my help. I-I got go put something to rest. See you later?
(Using his teeth, NICK pulls out the phone's antennae. He starts dialing.)
Nick: All right. Thanks.
(SARA turns and leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS opens the morgue cabinet and pulls out the table with the sheet-covered body on it.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: The body from the storage shed -- it's Victor DaSilva, all right. We ran his prints.
Grissom: It's nice that he still had his hands.
(He pulls the sheet aside.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I was wrong about the cause of death.
Grissom: The hammer didn't do it?
Dr. Albert Robbins: No. He was sh*t point-blank in the heart.
(He points to the b*llet hole.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: .380. Imagine the human heart as an apple.
(Quick CGI POV to: Camera on an red apple. A g*n is heard and a high speed b*llet appears from the left and pierces through the apple, ripping it to shreads.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Instant liquefaction.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: We found everything else in that shed. I don't know why we didn't find a g*n.
Grissom: Well, maybe he was sh*t somewhere else.
Catherine: That would explain the plastic.
(GRISSOM looks confused, then moves to stand in front of CATHERINE.)
Grissom: What plastic? You never told me about any plastic.
Catherine: I didn't? Oh.
(CATHERINE turns and walks away. GRISSOM follows her.)
Catherine: The victim was wrapped in a plastic sheet.
Grissom: Victor DaSilva's entire house was covered in plastic. He was having it painted.
Catherine: Really? Who's the painter?
(She stops in front of the door.)
Grissom: Nobody famous.
(GRISSOM opens the door and they leave.)
Catherine: Yet.
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY]
(CATHERINE and BRASS interview TRENT CALLOWAY. CATHERINE is putting on her latex gloves.)
Brass: You had access to victor DaSilva's house?
Trent Calloway: Yeah, I was painting it.
Brass: You own a g*n? I don't mean a paint g*n.
Trent Calloway: No.
Catherine: Okay, let's get right to it. What's your shoe size?
Trent Calloway: Why?
Grissom: I have a shoe fetish. I love feet.
Trent Calloway: It's 13.
Brass: Take off your shoes and socks. We need to verify.
(CATHERINE takes a sheet of print paper and puts it down on the ground while TRENT CALLOWAY takes off his shoes and socks.)
(He sticks out his foot. CATHERINE uses a roller and applies the ink. She puts his foot down.)
Catherine: Okay ... step on the paper.
(TRENT CALLOWAY stands up and leaves his foot print behind. CATHERINE compares the print to the sock print.)
Catherine: Two sizes too big. You can go.
CUT TO:
[INT. SPUR'S CORRAL - DAY]
(GRISSOM and BRASS are at SPUR'S CORRAL. Like a layer of carpet, peanut shells and skin remains litter the floor. GRISSOM stares at it as BRASS peels some peanuts. He tosses the shells and skins on the floor.)
Grissom: I'd tell you not to step on the evidence, but, uh...
Brass: Yeah, but what's the point? Pretty good gimmick they got here, though. You eat peanuts, toss the shells on the floor -- nobody gives a rat's ass.
(BRASS tosses more peanut shells on the floor as they make their way toward the RESTAURANT MANAGER and to NICK who is already there interviewing him.)
Nick: You sure you can't help me out?
Restaurant Manager: No. Victor DaSilva never worked here.
Nick: We found one of your uniforms in his closet. Any idea how it got there?
Restaurant Manager: No.
Nick: Guys ... look, boss, I'm sorry. I thought I was onto something here. I had a conflict in shoe sizes so I thought I'd play a hunch. Sara was right there. We were checking out the shoes ... (echo-y voice) ... and we found some peanuts in the cuff links and go up and Spurs Corral.
(As NICK speaks, GRISSOM is distracted by the large wall display behind him. A large decorated sombrero hanging on the wall.)
Brass: Incidental.
Nick: I don't think so.
(GRISSOM continues to stare at the display. It's something that he recognizes.)
Nick: ...so that's why I buzzed you guys down. You got to follow your hunches, right?
Grissom: Yeah, sure. Jim.
Brass: Yeah.
Grissom: You still got that picture that you took from DaSilva's house?
(NICK seems confused by the leap in thinking.)
Brass: Yeah. Yeah. Here it is.
(BRASS reaches into his pocket and gives GRISSOM the picture.)
(GRISSOM looks at the picture. It's the same sombrero.)
Nick: What? You're looking at the sombrero?
(GRISSOM stares at the torn edge of the photo.)
Grissom: The earrings. Victor DaSilva was here with someone he cut out of his life.
Brass: Probably his girlfriend.
(GRISSOM calls out to the RESTAURANT MANAGER.)
Grissom: Excuse me. You recognize this ear?
(The RESTAURANT MANAGER looks at GRISSOM.)
Restaurant Manager: You got to be kidding me. (He takes a look at the picture and is surprised that he actually does recognize it.) Wait a minute. Yeah, I do. I do recognize those earrings.
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[CAMERA CLOSE UP OF THE EAR WITH THE EARRINGS]
Brass: Fred Applewhite?
(The camera pulls back a little to show FRED APPLEWHITE, a waiter at the SPUR'S CORRAL. He turns around and looks at GRISSOM, BRASS and NICK. He smiles pleasantly, a couple of menus tucked under his arm.)
Fred Applewhite: Y'all here for lunch?
Grissom: No. Takeout.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY]
(SARA approaches TERI MILLER as she works on the gorilla body.)
Sara: I heard you were disassembling the gorilla.
Teri Miller: For purposes of disease control. Per the CDC, I have to take samples and dispose of this animal immediately.
Sara: Well, I've been trying to find out who did this to her and, um, I have some questions.
(TERI continues to work.)
Teri Miller: You ask, I'll answer.
Sara: Why did they amputate the gorilla's head?
Teri Miller: It's a trophy. American fetishists would pay up to $10,000 for the head of a lowland gorilla.
Sara: The hands and feet?
Teri Miller: Novelty items. Sold as ashtrays.
Sara: Here Nick and I were thinking it was to avoid I.D. Why skin it?
Teri Miller: Purses, shoes, boots ... It's sad. Genetically we're 92.7% identical with gorillas.
Sara: It's hard to tell where the human ends and the animal begins.
Teri Miller: Well said.
Sara: I checked out a couple of websites ... bushmeat[dot]net, gorilla[dot]org. I think she was k*lled probably in Cameroon or Congo transported to the port of Los Angeles. Dismembered, packaged ... loaded onto a small plane ... where they dumped what they couldn't sell but, uh, I just have to find the plane.
Teri Miller: Needle in a haystack. Chances are, whoever did this are halfway around the world by now.
Sara: There has to be something I can do.
Teri Miller: Actually, there is.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT -- DAY]
(SARA sits cross-legged on the ground, a small shovel in her grip. She digs a hole in front of her. When she gets it big enough, she puts the shovel aside and takes a gold-colored container and opens it. She pours the ashes into the hole in front of her.)
(When the container is empty, she uses her bare hands and fills the hole with dirt.)
Sara: For every one that parts, one stands aboveground.
(SARA sits quiet and alone in front of the make-shift grave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY]
(NICK inks FRED APPLEWHITE'S feet with the inked roller. When he's done, he stands up.)
Nick: Okay, Mr. Applewhite ... take a walk.
(FRED APPLEWHITE stands up and walks along the stretch of white paper spread out on the garage floor. As he walks, CATHERINE and NICK look through the sock print photos from the crime scene.)
(He reaches the end, turns around, and walks back to the stool.)
Catherine: Okay, great. Now, Mr. Applewhite ... this time, I want you to do something different.
(CATHERINE kneels down and pushes a fresh roll of paper along the floor. FRED APPLEWHITE moves to the second sheet of paper.)
Catherine: This time ... run.
(FRED APPLEWHITE steps onto the fresh paper and runs across it.)
(Quick flash to a bottom view of the floor as if someone where walking in blood on glass. The socked feet leaves red impressions behind.)
Grissom: (V.O.) Footprints are almost as reliable
(End of flash. Resume to present.)
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(GRISSOM explains the print analysis to FRED APPLEWHITE.)
Grissom: ... as fingerprints and every step tells a story. The first few steps, you were walking.
(GRISSOM points to the foot prints on the paper spread across the table.)
Grissom: See the complete heel, arch and five little piggies? The next few steps, however ...
(GRISSOM, NICK and CATHERINE pushes the paper closer toward them so that he can see the prints they're looking at.)
Grissom: ... the heel disappears. All of the pressure is put on ball of the foot and toes. Why? Because you were running. And my guess is that, on the day you had a head in your hand.
Nick: You see, everyone's foot makes a unique well impression. Check it out.
(NICK puts the sock print photos on the table in front of them.)
Nick: The, uh width ... ball of the foot ... instep ... arch ... and, uh ...
(NICK throws another photo on the table. This one is of the complete foot.)
Nick: ... size 11 for dessert.
Grissom: Mr. Applewhite your footprints ... place you at the crime scene.
Fred Applewhite: Victor and I were partners. We shared everything including in our house and the storage shed.
Brass: We know that. When did you move out?
Fred Applewhite: Three months ago. He found somebody else ... kicked me out.
Brass: And you took all your possessions with you?
Fred Applewhite: Not everything.
Brass: So, you were hoping for a reconciliation.
Fred Applewhite: Yeah. I thought, once Victor got this new guy out of his system he'd come around.
Grissom: But he didn't, did he? That's why you went to his house last night.
Fred Applewhite: Who said I went there?
Grissom: The plastic.
(GRISSOM holds up a sample.)
Grissom: You know ... the plastic that you lay down when you paint a house. The kind of plastic that you, uh ...
(GRISSOM holds up a photo of the body in the plastic in the trunk.)
Grissom: ... wrap a d*ad body in. The plastic that we found your fingerprints on.
Brass: Let me tell you what I think happened.
(Quick flashback to: [INT. VICTOR DASILVA'S RESIDENCE] Victor waves at the possessions in the house.)
Victor Dasilva: Take what you want. I don't care. I've moved on.
(FRED turns and walks up to VICTOR. He's upset that VICTOR doesn't care more.)
Fred Applewhite: What do you think you're going to do, just paint me out of your life?
Victor Dasilva: Just take what you want and get out.
Fred Applewhite: I'll tell you what I want.
(FRED tapes a couple of steps away, he turns around with a g*n in his hand, and fires.)
(Cut to: FRED is wrapping VICTOR'S d*ad body in the plastic sheets. He rolls the body till he's completely covered.)
(Cut to: FRED has the body in a trunk and tries to close the trunk lid. It won't shut.)
(Cut to: FRED unwraps the plastic from the head. Grabbing a handful of hair, he pulls the head back over the edge of the trunk.)
(Cut to: FRED slams the trunk lid shut. He looks down and sees the blood on the floor. He reaches down and takes his shoes off.)
(Cut to: With the head under his arm and the shoes in his other hand, FRED runs out of the storage unit hallway.)
(Cut to: [EXT. U-STORE-IT PARKING LOT - NIGHT] FRED drives the car into the parking lot. He parks the car. He forgot something.)
Fred Applewhite: Damn it! God!
(FRED runs out and back toward the Storage Unit.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Brass: So, what did you forget?
Fred Applewhite: You wouldn't believe it, but I forgot to lock the shed.
Brass: And when you came back out your car was gone.
Fred Applewhite: Yeah. (shakes his head) I don't know who took it.
Grissom: We do.
(Quick flashback to: [EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT] ANNA LEAH and LORI quickly escape out of the back of the parked van.
Anna Leah: Wait, Lori!
(They walk through the parking lot looking desperately for a way to get away. ANNA LEAH sees the car.)
(Cut to: LORI follows ANNA LEAH to the car. They get into the car. They drive off.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(BRASS escorts FRED APPLEWHITE out of the lab. GRISSOM mumbles to NICK while NICK picks up the photos from the table.)
Grissom: You know that reminds me -- I got to remember to take Greg Sanders to lunch. He did a nice job sniffing out those peanuts.
(NICK smiles as GRISSOM leaves.)
Nick: (nods) Yeah, he did.
(NICK smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM]
(SGT. O'RILEY and RONNIE CONNORS wait in the room. WARRICK walks in carrying some papers.)
O'Riley: We were waiting for you. Meet Ronnie Connors.
(WARRICK looks around and doesn't see anyone else in the room when he clearly expected to see his lawyer.)
Warrick: Where's his attorney?
Ronnie Connors: (with attitude) What you talking to him about my business? Ask me.
(SGT. O'RILEY doesn't say anything. He stands up and puts a hand on WARRICK'S shoulder. He goes to stand in front of the door.)
Warrick: Where's your lawyer?
Ronnie Connors: (to O'RILEY) Ask him.
(WARRICK doesn't say anything. He takes a seat at the table opposite RONNIE CONNORS.)
Warrick: How's your plaque?
Ronnie Connors: My what?
Warrick: Your teeth. I mean, how many toothbrushes does a guy need?
(RONNIE CONNORS doesn't say anything.)
Warrick: Apparently, for you it's as many as it takes to make the perfect shank.
Ronnie Connors: Let me tell you something, Breeze. I'm L.A. County/Slauson payback crip, cuz. I got a lot of offspring up in here -- black as night. They answer to me because I'm the macaroni. I mean, seriously ... you have any idea who you talking to?
Warrick: Yeah.
(Quick flashback to: Camera close up of an inmate holding the shank in his hand. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(WARRICK keeps his eye contact on RONNIE CONNORS without backing down. RONNIE CONNORS is the first to avert his eyes.)
CUT TO:
[INT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER - DAY]
(WARRICK is in the room filling JAMES MOORE in on his investigation.)
James Moore: So I don't have to testify?
Warrick: (shakes his head) The evidence will testify for you. Ronnie Connors ... bought a toothbrush and some rubber bands at the commissary. He didn't know it but that's the last shank he'll ever make.
James Moore: How'd you know it was RC's?
Warrick: Before he made the shank he shaved with the same razor. His DNA was all over the blade.
James Moore: Oh, god.
(JAMES realizes that he's really off of the hook. His eyes start to tear with relief and with gratitude.)
James Moore: I owe you, man.
Warrick: It's not me you have to thank.
(WARRICK looks just beyond JAMES. JAMES quickly turns around to see who WARRICK'S looking at. Standing behind him is his grandfather.)
(It's been a while since he's seen him. JAMES stands up and goes to meet him.)
(Without saying a word, CHARLES MOORE grabs JAMES in a solid hug.)
James Moore: (whispers) I love you, grandpa.
(WARRICK stands up and turns to leave the room.)
Charles Moore: You're all I got, James. You're everything to me, you hear?
(JAMES nods.)
(WARRICK turns to the door and leaves the room.)
(The camera slowly pulls back on CHARLES and JAMES.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. ROLLER COASTER - TOP OF THE CASINO/HOTEL - NIGHT]
(The riders are getting settled in their coaster seats. GRISSOM is already settled in when he reaches up and pulls WARRICK into the seat next to him. WARRICK looks scrunched up and confused.)
Warrick: I thought you said we were grabbing a beer.
Grissom: (excited) We are, after this.
Warrick: (ready to bag) Grissom, you know, this is your thing.
(WARRICK grabs the rail to get out of the coaster when GRISSOM stops him. He pulls him back down into the seat.)
Grissom: Ah-ah-ah. Every nine years and 34 days I feel like sharing. You'll like it. It cleanses you.
(GRISSOM reaches up and pulls the harness down on WARRICK, trapping him in the seat, and securing it shut.)
Warrick: Cleanses me?
(GRISSOM pulls down his harness.)
Warrick: Whatever happened to my evaluation?
(b*at)
Grissom: You're sitting in it.
(And the ride starts. WARRICK'S eyes snap to attention in front of him as the coaster takes off.)
(Various cuts of WARRICK and GRISSOM and of the coaster ride.)
Warrick: (yells) Oh, yes!
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x22 - Evaluation Day"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
(Camera holds over the city. Thunder rumbles; lightning flashes in the sky.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. SATURN ARMS APARTMENTS - NIGHT]
(The front left glass door is open. Building number 5595. Thunder rumbles outside.)
CUT TO:
[INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S APT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(Camera moves slowly down the hallway toward the bedroom door. There's a bicycle resting against the wall in the hallway; the light from outside illuminates the bathroom. Lightning flashes.)
(The camera turns the corner and enters the bedroom. There's someone asleep in the bed. The camera lingers in the doorway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM - NIGHT]
(EILEEN SNOW suddenly gets up. She sits up in bed and looks out the open bedroom door. Thunder rumbles; lightning flashes.)
(She looks outside the bedroom window, then around the bedroom. The closet light is on. She lies back down in bed, leans on her side and tries to go back to sleep.)
(Again, she suddenly gets up in bed. Thunder claps outside as lightning flashes through the window. She swallows as she stares straight ahead at the shadows in front of her.)
(Lightning flashes. This time, there's a man holding a cord in his hands and standing at the foot of the bed. He's wearing a hooded sweatshirt that covers his face.)
(EILEEN SNOW starts screaming. The man snaps the iron cord. EILEEN SNOW backs away from him.)
(The iron falls.)
(EILEEN SNOW screams.)
FLASH TO WHITE:
[INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM walks into the bedroom carrying his kit. BRASS follows behind him. There are other officers already in the room. Though we can't see the body, GRISSOM pauses near the bed, his eyes glued to the body.)
Brass: Eileen Jane Snow. Lady she carpools with couldn't get her to answer the door. Police broke in.
Grissom: (grimly) This is exactly the same as the last two.
Brass: Audrey Hayes was strangled in her basement and the other one ended up in a park.
Grissom: Different M.O., but it's the same signature.
Brass: M.O. is how he breaks in. Signature's what he does once inside.
(A Camera flashes. Close up of EILEEN SNOW on the bed. Her hands are tied together to the bed metal headboard. Her mouth is bruised. Her eyes are open. Cut back to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Three or four overpowering blows to the head from a homemade w*apon fashioned at the scene.
(A camera flash to: Close up of the iron used to subdue EILEEN SNOW. Cut back to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Forces her to drink a mixture of sodium amytal as a chemical restraint.
(Flash to white. Close up of the drinking glass discarded on it's side.)
Grissom: Overligature of the victim ... (he swallows) ... and an object r*pe. Then he strangles her. Ejaculates on the bedsheets.
(SARA walks in and sees the body.)
Grissom: And as a final act of degradation he poses her like a pinup.
(She reacts to the sight of yet another body in a series of serial rapes.)
Sara: Damn it.
(BRASS turns around to look at SARA.)
Brass: Sara.
Sara: Damn that guy.
(SARA starts to walk out of the bedroom. GRISSOM follows her outside to the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. SATURN ARMS - EILEEN SNOW'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM takes SARA out into the hallway.)
Grissom: Listen, no emotions in here.
Sara: He's escalating, Grissom.
Grissom: That's the pattern; it's a continuum.
Sara: Guess he wants to get caught.
Grissom: Signature K*llers never want to get caught. And they won't stop until they do.
HARD CUT TO BLACK ROLL TITLE CREDITS END OF TEASER
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. SATURN ARMS -- EILEEN SNOW'S BEDROOM - DAY]
(SARA and WARRICK are in the bedroom near the bed. SARA is looking at the tape lift in her hand; WARRICK is going through the sheets on the bed.)
Sara: I have tape-lifted, roll-lifted -- I'm not finding one hair.
(GRISSOM walks into the room and lingers near the door. He's carrying a clipboard as he watches them work.)
Grissom: (raises his eyebrows) I wonder what that might mean.
Sara: He vacuumed this place before he left. We've established that he utilizes materials from the victim's domicile.
(Thinking about it, SARA walks over to the closet to look for the vacuum cleaner. She pushes the closet door open to reveal the vacuum cleaner just inside. GRISSOM leans over to look at the bedside table. WARRICK continues to check the bed sheets. SARA opens the machine and looks inside.)
Sara: Hey, guys. He took the bag.
(GRISSOM shakes his head.)
Grissom: Well, look for prints.
(Before she can do anything, CATHERINE walks in. She's carrying something that looks for prints and is wearing protective eyewear.)
Catherine: Don't bother. There aren't any. Just like the last time. The guy's Mr. Clean. Here, knock yourself out.
Sara: Thanks.
(CATHERINE hands it over to SARA who takes it.)
Grissom: He stalked this woman. He knew how much time he had in this apartment to k*ll her, and to clean up after himself.
Catherine: I'll tell Brass to check for sex offenders in a two-mile radius.
Grissom: Yeah, have him check peeping toms, too five years back. That's how they get started.
(CATHERINE turns to leave the room. WARRICK looks up from his spot near the bed.)
Warrick: Peeping toms to m*rder?
Grissom: It's about crossing boundaries. It's like, uh, with cake, you know? You're just going to have a little bit of the frosting and you end up eating the entire plate.
(WARRICK pulls the bed cover aside. He sees a single hair strand.)
Warrick: Nobody move.
(He picks it up and holds it up.)
Warrick: Mr. Clean needs a maid. I'm going to take this back to the lab.
(SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY walks up to the door and looks around. He sees GRISSOM.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Gil. I need a word with you outside.
(GRISSOM sighs. The SHERIFF leaves. GRISSOM glances over at WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. SATURN ARMS -- DAY]
(THE SHERIFF walks out of the apartment. GRISSOM is close behind him. The SHERIFF is headed somewhere.)
Grissom: You're bringing the FBI in? Why?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: They offered their assistance, and I'm inclined to take it. Of course, uh, I'd want to make sure you're okay with that.
(GRISSOM puts his sunglasses on. In the background, we hear people from the news media talking.)
Grissom: I-I don't believe the investigation should go that way, Brian. I mean, roadblocks and special ops?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, that's a pity, 'cause I do. Maybe you'll feel different when you meet Rick Culpepper.
(A man in a suit approaches them. He holds out his hand to the Sheriff. Behind him standing just behind the crime scene tape is the news media.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Sheriff Mobley.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Rick.
(They shake hands. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER turns to GRISSOM.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Hi, Rick Culpepper. Federal Bureau of Investigation.
(They shake hands.)
Grissom: Gil Grissom, Agent Culpepper.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Uh, "Special Agent". It's great to meet you. All our kids back in Quantico are always going on about your bugs.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER takes off his sunglasses and looks at GRISSOM.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Well, listen, the FBI is here to help you and your people at CSI. Of course, uh, as SAC, the investigation will run through me. Sheriff probably already told you that.
(GRISSOM glances at the SHERIFF standing silently next to him.)
Grissom: No, he didn't mention that, either.
Agent Rick Culpepper: All rivers run through Rome so to speak. (chuckling) But, uh, you get an "attaboy". Three women d*ad 'cause you couldn't get the job done. There's not many guys who would hand the case over to us Fibbies.
Grissom: I'm not handing it over. I'm willing to work in conjunction with you.
Agent Culpepper: Well, that's fine. We'll work the "Strip Strangler" case in conjunction.
Grissom: The what?
Agent Rick Culpepper: He strangles them near Las Vegas Boulevard then removes their clothes. Strip Strangler. Why? What do you call him?
Grissom: Unknown Signature Homicide, Metropolitan Las Vegas.
Agent Rick Culpepper: (to SHERIFF) Oh. He's not kidding, is he?
(THE SHERIFF shakes his head.)
Sgt. O'Riley: (to GRISSOM) Excuse me. Guy over here's got something you might want to hear. Syd Goggle. He's a security guard. Community patrol. Says he saw a man speeding away from here last night.
(GRISSOM follows SGT. O'RILEY to the security guard. He approaches the crowd behind the yellow police tape.)
Grissom: Mr., Uh, Goggle? Gil Grissom.
(SYD GOGGLE is let through the police tape.)
Syd Goggle: (to GRISSOM) I know who you are, sir. I've seen you on TV.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Special Agent Culpepper. You have information for us, sir? About a man fleeing the scene?
Syd Goggle: (to GRISSOM) I didn't get his license. I didn't think of it till this morning. But He was really burning rubber, though.
Grissom: Would you please give Detective O'Riley a full statement? If we have any more questions, we'll get back to you.
Syd Goggle: Listen, if you need any help in your investigation, Mr. Grissom ...
Grissom: (interrupting) The last time a security guard tried to help me, he ended up d*ad. But thank you.
(SYD GOGGLE walks past GRISSOM and follows SGT. O'RILEY.)
Sgt. O'Riley: This way.
(GRISSOM turns to the other two men.)
Grissom: I'm late for an autopsy.
(GRISSOM turns and leaves. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER puts his sunglasses back on and watches GRISSOM leave.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: He'll need a little patience.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Wouldn't respect him if he didn't.
(Both men head back toward the apartments.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY]
(DR. ROBBINS goes over the body with NICK and GRISSOM.)
Nick: What can you tell us?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Nothing you don't know. Trauma to the head with a blunt object. Overwhelmed her.
(Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, the intruder hits Eileen Snow. Hard. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: He got a mixture of sodium amytal in her.
Nick: A hypnotic.
(Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, EILEEN SNOW is out on the bed. The intruder is straddled across her as he forces the liquid down her throat. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Allowed him to control her for up to six hours. t*rture her. Look at the bruises.
(He points to the purple bruises on her face and neck. GRISSOM leans in to look.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Purple means she was alive for all of it.
(Quick flashback to: In the bedroom, the intruder strangles EILEEN SNOW. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: Percussive control.
Grissom: He choked her unconscious and then brought her to multiple times. What about the r*pe?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Same as the others: Indeterminate object caused severe internal lacerations.
(DR. ROBBINS turns back to get the sample.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I did find a small trace of something creviced in the uterine wall. Looks like an everyday polymer to me.
(He hands it over to NICK to look at.)
(Camera zooms in for a close up of the item. Broken piece of unknown object with the letters "THA" on it.)
Nick: Okay. I'll go back to the scene, try to find something like it.
Grissom: (warning) Be careful, Nicky. The cliché's true. Signatures return to their scenes.
Nick: Will do.
(NICK turns and leaves.)
Grissom: Are we done?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Something we didn't find with the other two women.
(DR. ROBBINS turns around and picks up a single strand of cotton fiber. He hands it to GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: Fibers. One in the back of her throat.
(Camera CGI POV close up of a fiber stuck in between two teeth. Flash to white. Resume GRISSOM.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: One stuck between her lower molars.
Grissom: This looks like cotton. Maybe terry cloth.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmmm.
(GRISSOM glances at the body, then back at the fiber.)
Grissom: Could be silencing them with ... white bath towels?
Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, it would explain why no one hears the victim's screams.
Grissom: He brings it with him and takes it away after. So, somewhere, there's evidence of this victim on a towel.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Kind of a forensic smoking g*n.
Grissom: Mmm. Now we just have to find the guy and hope that he hasn't done his laundry.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE is in GREG'S lab. GREG reaches over to get the file folder.)
Greg Sanders: The semen taken from this morning's homicide matches the semen taken from the bedsheets of the last two female victims.
(GREG opens the file folder and takes out a sheet of paper. He hands it to CATHERINE.)
Catherine: So, we're looking at the same guy.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, but, check this out. The ej*cul*te sample.
(GREG points to the microscope. CATHERINE looks at the sample through the scope.)
[SCOPE VIEW] of the white ej*cul*te with splotches of red
Catherine: What's the red stuff?
Greg Sanders: Mystery substance.
Catherine: Not blood?
Greg Sanders: No.
Catherine: So, what, this guy's got some strange chemical in his mutated DNA?
Greg Sanders: Freaky, huh?
(CATHERINE sighs and turns to leave the lab. As she leaves, she turns around.)
Catherine: Freakiest semen I've seen in a while. Call me.
(CATHERINE steps out of the DNA lab and nearly bumps into the SHERIFF in the hallway. Literally.)
Catherine: Oh.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(The SHERIFF looks at CATHERINE.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Catherine, you busy? I was hoping we might be able to talk about a few things.
Catherine: Pertaining to the case?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: As a jumping-off point.
Catherine: Well, Sheriff, I'd say let's go to my office, but I don't have one.
(The SHERIFF glances behind him and says slyly.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, that's just the sort of thing I was hoping we would discuss.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY]
[SCOPE VIEW] of the blunt tip of a strand of hair.
(SARA looks up from the scope, a bit puzzled by the conclusions she's reaching. She turns and sees WARRICK walking by the lab door. She calls out to him.)
Sara: Hey, Warrick you got a second?
(WARRICK turns and walks into the lab.)
Warrick: What's up?
Sara: I got this hair that you guys found this morning and I'm trying to compare it to the one hair we recovered from the m*rder last week - the Hayes girl?
Warrick: And you got a match microscopically but it doesn't mean a damn thing
'cause it still doesn't lead us to the guy?
Sara: No. I can't even tell if we have a DNA match. There's no skin tag on either one.
Warrick: Whoa, whoa, whoa. A girl defending herself against a guy is going to pull that hair out by the roots.
(Quick CGI POV. Close up of female hand grabbing hair and ripping it out. Cut to: Microscopic close up of the skin tag at the root of the hair.)
Warrick: (V.O.) I mean, you get scalp skin filled with DNA.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
(SARA is looking at the hair through the scope again.)
Sara: No scalp, no skin. It's almost like this hair was ...
Warrick: ... shed?
(He nods. Then the pagers start beeping. Both SARA and WARRICK reach for their pagers.)
Warrick: Mine.
Sara: Mine.
(They both check the numbers of the pagers.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY]
(GRISSOM turns the corner in the hallway. He's carrying a file and NICK catches up to him from behind.)
Nick: Hey, Gil, you want to give me the skinny on this meeting of yours? I'm on my way back to the crime scene.
Grissom: What meeting? I'm going to evidence.
(He points in front of him.)
Nick: (shrugs) I got paged about the signature case.
(SARA and WARRICK catch up with GRISSOM and NICK on their way to the meeting.)
Sara: Hey, Warrick and I just got a break. The guy's been planting hairs.
Warrick: Shedding. He's trying to throw us off. What he doesn't realize, we got no DNA on the hairs so we can't chase down his other suspect.
(On the far end of the hall in front of them, GRISSOM sees some Federal Agents entering a conference room. He doesn't like the conclusions he's reaching.)
Sara: Grissom ... are you hearing us?
(GRISSOM approaches the door. AGENT RICK CULPEPPER and several Federal Agents are in the room and around the table.)
PAN TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM slowly walks into the room.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: You all got my page. Good.
Grissom: I didn't.
Agent Rick Culpepper: (brushes it aside) We'll get you a new battery.
(GRISSOM is getting angry at the games these people are playing.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: (continues) I thought we'd convo about the strangler. Hear what you've got tell you what we think our next move should be.
(GRISSOM turns to his team.)
Grissom: (softly) Would you guys go back to my office, please? I'll be in in a few minutes.
(WARRICK, NICK and SARA turn and leave the room.)
Grissom: I'll be happy to pass on any pertinent information you may have to my team.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. Fine. Got anything to report to us?
Grissom: You first.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. We have an operation in place. Your CSI, Sidle, has expressed an interest to my agents in availing herself. I wanted to let you know before we made the official offer.
Grissom: Really? What kind of operation?
Agent Rick Culpepper: All this talk about your great capacity for observation. Sara Sidle matches the victim prototype to a "T." She's a young woman, brunette, tall for a female.
(SARA walks back to the room. As if sensing her return, GRISSOM turns to look back at her. SARA meets his gaze. GRISSOM turns back to CULPEPPER.)
Grissom: You're not serious.
Agent Rick Culpepper: And by all reports, she's steady. Has the right personality for a decoy operation.
Grissom: You're going to bait this guy with a human being? This is your big FBI plan
Agent Rick Culpepper: Before he kills again, yes. Got a better idea?
Grissom: Understanding him first, completely, so that we can get out ahead of him.
(Behind him, SARA is getting impatient at what he's saying.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: And if he kills again while we're trying to understand him?
Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but he's not going to k*ll my CSI.
(GRISSOM indicates SARA behind him.)
Sara: (interrupting) I'm going to do it, Grissom.
(GRISSOM turns around, surprised.)
Sara: I want to.
Grissom: You want to put yourself in the path of a psychotic k*ller?
Sara: I'm trained in w*apon defense.
Grissom: Too bad, because that's what turns him on -- women fighting back. Gives him a greater sense of power when he makes his final k*ll.
Sara: Grissom ...
Grissom: (abruptly) Sit down, Sara.
(GRISSOM turns back to CULPEPPER, who is vastly amused by the exchange he just witnessed. SARA moves to take a seat. GRISSOM looks at CULPEPPER.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay. If we're to follow your line of thinking are you out ahead of him?
Grissom: Not yet. He knows just enough about forensics to be dangerous. He thinks he's throwing us off track by planting confederate hairs. He probably shaves his head maybe his entire body as DNA protection.
Grissom: He may gag his victims using a garden-variety bath towel which he then takes with him as part of his m*rder kit. He will go after another tall brunette and the t*rture will be worse. But this time, he won't ej*cul*te. At least not at the scene.
Agent Rick Culpepper: At home, later. He's learning control.
Sara: Think he knows his next victim?
(Without looking at her and still watching CULPEPPER, GRISSOM answers her.)
Grissom: Signature K*llers always know their next victim. But they don't know him
(GRISSOM suddenly turns to look directly at SARA.)
Grissom: ... until he tortures, rapes and kills them.
(Camera holds on SARA.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[EXT. SATURN ARMS APARTMENT - NIGHT]
(An OFFICER stands just outside the front door. Along the sidewalk a small shrine of flowers, candles and pictures is at the corner near the sidewalk.)
[INT. EILEEN SNOW'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT]
(NICK walks to the door of EILEEN SNOW'S bedroom. He puts his kit down on the floor near the doorway, then pauses as he takes a deep breath before entering the bedroom. He shines his flashlight into the room and looks around at the bare bed, stripped of its sheets. The window next to it is open. NICK walks into the room.)
(He looks around. The closet light is on. NICK doesn't pay too much attention to it. He continues to circle the room and look around.)
(NICK walks up to the chair in front of the window and kneels down. He sees something on the floor near the chair cover and picks it up. He looks at it. It appears to be a piece of latex.)
(Quick flashback to: The intruder puts on a pair of latex gloves. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(NICK hears something creak and turns around to look.)
(He looks at the closet. The closet light is off. NICK shines the flashlight into the closet. He stands and slowly approaches the closet door. When he gets close enough, he reaches out a hand to push the door open.)
(At the same time, a woman appears inside the closet, the closet light goes on, and everyone screams in surprise.)
(NICK takes a step back.)
Nick: Freeze!
(LYNDA DARBY takes a step back into the closet. She bumps her back against the hanging clothes and holds up her hands showing that all she has in her right hand is a digital camera.)
Nick: Hey.
(NICK gets a good look at her and motions for her to get out.)
Nick: Get out of there. Get out of the closet.
Lynda Darby: Hmm.
(LYNDA DARBY steps out of the closet.)
Nick: What are you doing?
Lynda Darby: Um, I a reporter. What? We know the police are withholding information from us, so I came down here because ...
Nick: (interrupts) All right. Quiet. Quiet. Are you out of your mind? I could've k*lled you. This is a crime scene. You don't belong here. Unless you want me to get the cop at the front door you'll get out of here now. And I'd better not see any pictures of this apartment in your paper ... or I'll have the D.A. on your front door.
Lynda Darby: I'm sorry that I scared you.
Nick: You didn't scare me. (shakes his head) Mm-mm.
Lynda Darby: Want to tell me what you found over by the window?
Nick: No.
Lynda Darby: (softly) Okay.
(Not daring to push her luck more than she already has, LYNDA DARBY turns and heads out of the room. NICK watches her leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY]
(CATHERINE pushes the door open and walks into the lab.)
Catherine: Fast. I'm impressed.
Greg Sanders: You got a hot dog?
Catherine: This one of your jokes, Greg?
Greg Sanders: I got the ketchup.
Catherine: I'm sure this is meaningful.
Greg Sanders: I went back and looked at the ej*cul*te from the last two m*rder. The same thing. "Indeterminate red stuff." It's c12, h22 and o11, nacl, h2o and tomato paste.
Catherine: Sugar, water, salt and tomato paste. Ketchup?
Greg Sanders: Ketchup.
Catherine: Well, does he add it after or is it organic?
Greg Sanders: Don't ask me why, but, uh ... he adds it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM scoffs as he looks at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: I was expecting something a little more elemental.
(CATHERINE stands in front of GRISSOM'S desk. He's behind it reading through GREG'S test results.)
Catherine: When we zig, he zags.
Grissom: Yeah, well, he's not as smart as he thinks, you know? I mean, ketchup is not going to mask the DNA in his semen.
Catherine: All of which I'm sure you'll share with the FBI.
Grissom: I'm sure.
Catherine: Hey ... is it so bad to avail our lab to the resources of the federal government?
(GRISSOM stares at CATHERINE and at her choice of words.)
Grissom: (surprised) You've been to talking to our Sheriff.
Catherine: I've been listening to our Sheriff. He says that you won't.
Grissom: Yeah, yeah, I know. And if I don't shape up he going to have Ecklie take over the case.
(GRISSOM scoffs.)
Catherine: Well, no. He preferred someone from night shift and it may be more than just this case.
(GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE and leans forward toward her into the desk.)
Grissom: Ah. Now that the trees are gone, I can almost see the forest.
(CATHERINE also leans in forward over the desk to look at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Gil ... learn to be more politic.
(There's a light knock on the front door. NICK walks into the office.)
Nick: You guys got a sec? He's wearing latex gloves. The thick kind, too. He must know the thin ones leave prints.
(NICK hands the bagged latex sample to CATHERINE. She turns to look from NICK to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: When we zig, he zags.
(CATHERINE passes the bagged sample to GRISSOM. GRISSOM takes it and looks at it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM is sitting in front of BRASS' desk.)
Brass: What about Paul Millander? Maybe he's our guy.
(BRASS sits down in his chair.)
Brass: And, uh, he had the latex hands. And he's a serial.
Grissom: Millander stages suicides in bathtubs with paternal figures. This guy's signature is overkill rage against young women. It's completely different.
Brass: Maybe our brethren at the FBI have some sort of special database.
Grissom: (surprised) When did you become friendly with the Feds? I didn't think you had that in you.
Brass: Never make an enemy when you can just as easily make a friend. FBI's okay. I've kissed worse ass. But I've got to say I don't like this decoy op the Feds are talking up.
(GRISSOM leans forward in his chair. Suddenly, this conversation really interests him.)
Brass: I remember when Holly Gribbs died. I sent her out in the field and she wasn't ready.
Grissom: (firmly) I told Culpepper that he could not have Sara.
Brass: I know what you told him.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM as he realizes what BRASS is implying.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - NIGHT]
(OFFICER cars are gathered under the bridge.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay, listen up. All personnel will be tethered to our decoy by this radio.
(AGENT RICK CULPEPPER stands in the open doorway of the back of the van. Inside the van, the techs help SARA on with the mic. She pulls her shirt down.)
(GRISSOM'S tahoe pulls up.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: According to Captain James Brass two of our assailant's victims patronized this specialty grocery store to which we are about to embark forthwith two days before they turned up d*ad.
(GRISSOM and BRASS get out of the car. GRISSOM walks up to the van.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: There's a very good chance our assailant will re-frequent this store, looking for his next victim.
[EXT. NEAR FBI VAN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
(SARA steps out of the van just as GRISSOM reaches it.)
Grissom: (angry) This is a pretty flimsy excuse to get your circus up and running, don't you think?
Agent Rick Culpepper: Lives are at stake. I'll take flimsy over nothing.
(CULPEPPER steps down from the van.)
Grissom: This is action for action's sake Culpepper. You're risking my CSI's life.
(CULPEPPER doesn't say anything and walks away. SARA steps up to GRISSOM.)
Sara: Look, this is my idea. I want to do something before another girl gets k*lled and ...
Grissom: Listen to me, Sara. If we study his past, we can predict his future.
Sara: You've been saying that for weeks. It's taking too long. Someone else is going to die and you're still going to be figuring it out.
(GRISSOM stares at SARA as if seeing her for the first time.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Okay, Sidle we're good to go.
Sara: Wish me luck.
(SARA turns and leaves. GRISSOM stands there stunned. She steps up into the van past CULPEPPER who simply looks at GRISSOM.)
(Frustrated and helpless, GRISSOM turns around and looks at BRASS.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. GROCERY STORE -- NIGHT]
(SARA walks cautiously through the grocery store. She carries her shopping basket her grasp. "Danke schoen" plays over the pa system.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. FBI SURVEILLANCE VAN]
(Inside the van, CULPEPPER and GRISSOM sit side-by-side watching the various camera monitors on SARA.)
(Cut to: In his car parked outside the store, BRASS watches as the front door opens and a customer walks out.)
(Back inside the store, SARA continues to troll the aisles. She stops and stares at a male shopper. He turns to look at her. His companion walks up to the cart and puts something in it. SARA moves along.)
(Inside the van, CULPEPPER looks at his watch and sighs.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Oh ... it's three hours expended. (clears throat.)
Maybe we should reposition over at that Borders book store. Gets a lot of foot traffic in there according to the field agents.
(Inside the store, SARA walks up to a display and takes an item off the shelf to look at it.)
(A man carrying his own basket appears in the aisle. SARA glances at him, then puts the item in her hand back on the shelf. The man walks past the aisle.)
(SARA looks up, then back at the shelf.)
(The man turns around and walks back into the aisle where SARA is. He watches her intently, then turns around to pick something up off the shelf. He turns back to her.)
(Cut to: Inside the van on the monitors, GRISSOM sees the double take and the man head for SARA.)
Grissom: Whoa. (CULPEPPER looks up at the monitor. GRISSOM points to the monitor) That guy's coming back.
(Inside the store, the MALE SHOPPER walks up to SARA.)
Male Shopper: Would you happen to have a cigarette?
Sara: Uh ... yeah, actually.
(SARA reaches into her bag to get the cigarettes.)
INTERCUT WITH:
Grissom: (nervous) Culpepper ...
Agent Rick Culpepper: Let her play.
Male Shopper: (from monitor) I've been trying to quit. Didn't want to buy a pack.
Sara: Me, too. This is my last pack ... but, uh, I say that every week, so ...
(She offers it to him. He takes a cigarette out of the pack. She puts the pack back in her bag.)
(Inside the van, GRISSOM and CULPEPPER watch the interplay.)
Male Shopper: (from monitor) Non-filtered. The women I know smoke filtered-- you know those long, skinny cigarettes?
(He smiles at her.)
Sara: Guess it depends on the woman.
Male Shopper: Guess it does.
(He puts the cigarette between his lips.)
Male Shopper: You got a light?
Sara: Sure. Yeah.
(SARA looks down into her bag to search for the light. She takes her eyes off of the shopper in front of her. He glances around.)
Male Shopper: You live around here?
Sara: Maybe.
(The SHOPPER tucks the cigarette on his right ear. SARA looks up at him.)
Sara: I don't usually give out that kind of information.
Male Shopper: It's probably smart. I wouldn't tell me either. You're cute.
Sara: Thanks.
(He glances to the side. SARA automatically glances to the side, too. He reaches for her bag, his hand slipping inside.)
(CULPEPPER alerts the officers.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: All right, we're on the move. Let's go.
(The van doors open and GRISSOM jumps out of the van. CULPEPPER and the other OFFICERS follow, their g*n drawn and cocking them as they run. He heads for the store.)
(The MALE SHOPPER reaches into SARA'S bag and grabs something. She turns around and shouts.)
Sara: Hey!
(FBI OFFICERS with their g*n drawn converge on SARA and the MALE SHOPPER.)
Officer: Don't move!
(He immediately takes a step back and holds up SARA'S wallet.)
Male Shopper: I'll give it back. Here.
(He drops the wallet to the floor as the FBI AGENT cuffs him behind his back. GRISSOM picks up the wallet.)
(A cell-phone rings. CULPEPPER answers it.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: (to phone) Yeah, Culpepper. (pause) Time and coordinate? (pause) Yeah, will do. (hangs up) All right, gentlemen. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I do not believe this is our man.
Grissom: What was your first clue?
Agent Rick Culpepper: m*rder at the Monaco Hotel. Woman found bound in her room stripped and strangled.
(CULPEPPER turns and leaves. GRISSOM turns and looks at SARA.)
Sara: He met the profile.
(GRISSOM hands the wallet back to SARA.)
Grissom: Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to do nothing.
(They both turn and head out of the store.)
CUT TO:
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. MONACO HOTEL ROOM - EARLY MORNING]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the hotel room. Inside, BRASS and CULPEPPER are interviewing the victim's husband.)
(GRISSOM stares at the body on the bed.)
Catherine: Starting to look like deja vu all over again.
(He glances over at the husband.)
Grissom: Hmm.
(CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM noting that he doesn't particularly sound convinced.)
Catherine: Not?
Grissom: Occasionally I'm struck by the absence of evidence.
Catherine: (sighs) It's there or it isn't.
(CATHERINE turns to look at the scene.)
Grissom: The lamp -- cord's still attached. All the others, he yanked the cords off. Look at the table. Books aren't even disturbed.
Catherine: Staged?
Grissom: (shrugs) First time in a hotel? First time he didn't come in through the window?
Catherine: I don't think he made a deposit ... either.
(CULPEPPER heads toward them catching CATHERINE'S comment.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: That just means his signature's evolving isn't that right, Grissom?
(GRISSOM doesn't answer him. BRASS joins the group.)
Grissom: (to BRASS) Who's that guy?
Brass: He's the husband. His name's Brad Walden. They're locals, come here a couple times a year. He was downstairs playing poker. She was up here reading a romance novel. He comes back five grand richer. He finds her like this.
Grissom: Husband? Let's bring him in.
Agent Rick Culpepper: (nods and turns) I'll transport the witness.
(GRISSOM stops him.)
Grissom: Witness?
(CULPEPPER looks at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Suspect.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - HALLWAY - DAY]
(GRISSOM walks down the hallway toward DR. ROBBINS just coming out of the autopsy room.)
Grissom: What did you get?
Dr. Albert Robbins: I posted the lady from the hotel, and I have to say it's the same menu as the last three-- chemical restraint, overligature, death by strangulation.
Grissom: What about the object-r*pe? Indeterminate polymer?
Dr. Albert Robbins: No, this one's different.
Grissom: Different how?
(They both turn and head back into the autopsy room.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY]
[MAGNIFYING GLASS VIEW] of the piece of leather.
Dr. Albert Robbins: Cross-hatched leather, with tiny air holes for breathing.
(GRISSOM looks at DR. ROBBINS.)
Dr. Albert Robbins: I was thinking driving gloves, or weightlifting gloves, or ...
(DR. ROBBINS looks up and sees the autopsy room door swing shut. GRISSOM'S gone.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY]
(CULPEPPER interviews BRAD WALDEN.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: I'm not accusing you of anything, but a man and his wife get a hotel room for a romantic weekend then spend that whole weekend apart -- makes me wonder if there's trouble in the marriage.
Brad Walden: I like ... to gamble. She liked to read. It was, you know ... just the perfect getaway.
(The door opens and GRISSOM walks in.)
Grissom: You liked to play golf, too.
(CULPEPPER watches as GRISSOM brings in a hard golf club case. He sets it up near the table.)
Grissom: These are your golf clubs. We found them in your hotel room. I prefer a titanium driver, Mr. Walden. I'd like to see what you use, but your carrier is locked.
Brad Walden: Yeah, I have a key on my keychain ... my car keys.
Grissom: So you won't mind opening it, though?
Brad Walden: No ...
(BRAD WALDEN reaches into his pants pocket to get the keys.)
Brad Walden: uh, uh, w-why?
Grissom: Well, so I can see if the leather on your club handles matches the leather from the object used to violate your wife.
(GRISSOM holds up a baggie with the leather sample in it to show BRAD WALDEN. CULPEPPER takes the baggie and looks at it. BRAD WALDEN stands up and unlocks the golf case.)
Brad Walden: Well, I-I, you know, if it does ... I read that this, uh ... this, uh, you know, character uses whatever is at the scene of the crime for, uh ... for k*lling his victims.
(GRISSOM takes out a golf club. Realizing where GRISSOMS is going with this, CULPEPPER looks at WALDEN in a new light. GRISSOM puts the club on the table.)
Grissom: Well, if this "character" ... k*lled your wife? How did he get your clubs out of the case without the keys?
(One by one, GRISSOM looks for the club.)
Grissom: Or, for that matter back into the case after he k*lled your wife?
(He places the third club on the table.)
(The very next golf club he pulls out is the one with the ripped handle. Camera zooms in for a close up of the frayed leather.)
(GRISSOM shows the club handle to CULPEPPER who holds up the baggied sample next to it. GRISSOM turns to look at WALDEN.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Read this man his rights, please. (b*at) You're under arrest for the m*rder of Jennifer Walden ... and Eileen Snow, ...
(Surprised at the leap, GRISSOM turns to look at CULPEPPER as the officers arrest BRAD WALDEN.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: ... and Tracy Berg, and ...
(GRISSOM puts the golf club in one hand and reaches for the baggied sample with the other. He stops CULPEPPER.)
Grissom: (interrupts) Can I have a word with you outside... please?
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM walks out into the hallway; CULPEPPER follows close behind and closes the door to the interview room behind him.)
Grissom: You can't charge him for the other women.
Agent Rick Culpepper: What do you mean?
Grissom: For the m*rder of his wife, maybe but I am certain that he didn't do the others.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Every piece of the signature is there.
Grissom: (sighs) He read the papers -- he piggybacked on top of the k*ller.
Agent Rick Culpepper: For what possible reason?
Grissom: Who knows? Convenient way out of a lousy marriage? He's not our guy.
Agent Rick Culpepper: You know, this is where I like to reference the majesty and the power of the Republic of the United States of America.
Grissom: Go ahead. Pull rank. But that hotel crime scene was staged to look like the signature's.
Agent Rick Culpepper: And that golfer just got lucky that the victim type fits his wife to a Texas T, is that it?
Grissom: If you stop and think, you'll see it.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Duly noted, Supervisor Grissom.
(He turns and walks away from GRISSOM shouting over his shoulder as he leaves.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Duly noted.
(CULPEPPER walks back into the interview and shuts the door behind him.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT]
(Close up of the television monitor during the news report. The heading on the bottom of the screen reads: STRIP STRANGLER CAUGHT.)
Paula Francis (tv Reporter): Details of the arrest will be forthcoming in this live report.
(SARA walks past the break room and sees the news report through the glass from the hallway.)
Paula Francis (tv Reporter): Federal Agent Culpepper is about to start his news conference. As we've been reporting, a suspect has been arrested in the strip-strangler case.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(In a press conference to the media, CULPEPPER gives his report.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: We believe that Bradley Mac Walden not only k*lled his wife but also took the lives of Audrey Hayes and Eileen Snow and Tracy Berg. Our field agents have divulged that Mr. Walden lived within two miles of the other victims worked in the same office building as Ms. Snow and has no believable explanation for his whereabouts on the dates of their m*rder. We believe that Bradley Mac Walden found and stalked these victims, and ...
(CATHERINE walks into the conference room and takes the seat next to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: (softly) I just talked with Brass. He said that Walden was having an affair with a dentist in his office.
Grissom: I'm telling you, this guy did not k*ll those other women.
(Overhearing GRISSOM, the reporter sitting in the seat two rows in front of him turns around to look back at GRISSOM. It's LYNDA DARBY.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: This statement is concluded. Las Vegas, its locals and visitors can rest a little easier tonight. A suspect is in custody. Thank you. I'll take some questions.
(While the other media reporters raise their hands to be recognized by the AGENT on stage, LYNDA DARBY turns around and addresses GRISSOM.)
Lynda Darby: Mr. Grissom-- LYNDA DARBY, Las Vegas Tribune. As the lead CSI on this case, do you have anything to add to the FBI statement?
Catherine: (warning) Politics ...
(GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE.)
Grissom: (to LYNDA DARBY) No.
(In the front row, SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY turns around to look at GRISSOM.)
Lynda Darby: (to GRISSOM) So, Las Vegas can breathe easier? You do have the Strip Strangler behind bars?
(Unwilling to lie, GRISSOM answers her.)
Grissom: No, we don't.
(GRISSOM glances at CATHERINE who knows what this means. GRISSOM stands up and leaves.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: (b.g.) That's all the information we have.
(SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY watches GRISSOM leave. He turns and faces the front of the room as the reporters continue to shout out their questions.)
(CATHERINE sees MOBLEY in the front of the room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. -- DAWN]
(SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY and GRISSOM walk outside the building.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: The FBI did me a favor being here and they have a viable suspect.
Grissom: He's not viable, Brian.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Then further investigation will prove that out. In the meantime, people will feel better about their daily lives. Now, why on earth would you want to counteract that?
Grissom: For those who have to ask, no answer could suffice.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, I see we've come to an impasse. If further investigation determines that Walden didn't k*ll those other women then you can rejoin the investigation.
Grissom: Oh, do I get the weekend off?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: For starters ... and a two-week holiday ... anywhere but CSI. You brought this on yourself. Now, the next time you want to play with my career, maybe you'll think twice.
(THE SHERIFF leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- MORNING]
(GRISSOM closes his locker door and heads out the room. The entire team is in the locker room upset by the decision to remove GRISSOM from the investigation.)
Nick: You know, it's not fair, Grissom. You know more about signatures than most of them put together.
Catherine: That may have been the problem.
Warrick: Is there's no one you can appeal to?
Grissom: No ... (he shrugs) I'm off.
(SARA remains quiet.)
Warrick: Come on, this guy's on the loose and there's nothing you can do?
Grissom: It's all Catherine. She's the boss.
(CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Good luck.
(GRISSOM turns and leaves the locker room ... and his team. Cut to reaction sh*ts of SARA, WARRICK, NICK, and CATHERINE. Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[INT. GRISSOM'S HOME - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(The door opens and GRISSOM walks into his living room. He puts his briefcase down and turns on the stereo. Classical music fills the room. He goes to the kitchen to get his medicine. He opens the fridge to get some water. He opens a prescription medication bottle and tips out a couple of tablets into the palm of his hand.)
(He swallows them and takes a sip of water. He sighs and caps the bottle up tight.)
(He puts his glasses on and opens the file in front of him and goes over the file.)
(Quick flashback to: Just outside the bedroom window, the intruder watches a woman asleep inside.)
(Cut to: The intruder suffocates the woman with a cord wrapped around her neck.)
(Cut to: The intruder wipes the d*ad woman's hands with a towel. Cut to: The intruder wipes the d*ad woman's body of any evidence he's been there.)
(End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM.)
(GRISSOM takes off his glasses and closes his eyes. He leans back against the arm of the couch and chucks his shoes off to the floor. He leans back and sighs.)
[VISITOR'S POV]
(Camera moves into the living room from the door. The visitor's sights are on GRISSOM on the couch. The visitor slowly crosses the living room toward GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Hey!
(GRISSOM jumps up and turns around. CATHERINE walks up to him.)
Catherine: Your door was open. You okay?
(CATHERINE picks up the prescription medication bottle and looks at it.)
Catherine: Migraine. It's been a while.
Grissom: (retorts) I'm not used to having people in my house.
Catherine: You just don't like it when you can't solve a case or command your troops.
(CATHERINE turns and walks away toward the shelves.)
Grissom: (sighs) Did you come here to tell me about your new job?
(CATHERINE looks at the books on GRISSOM'S shelves.)
Catherine: I told the Sheriff I'd pass.
Grissom: You don't want to be a Supervisor?
Catherine: Well, if I get a promotion, I want it to be on merit ... not because you're politically tone-deaf.
(CATHERINE turns around to look at GRISSOM.)
Catherine: So, our guys are outside in their Tahoes. If you're a civilian, we are.
(GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE as he realizes what she's saying.)
Catherine: Except we are putting in for overtime.
(CATHERINE heads for the front door.)
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE OUT.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY]
(SARA, NICK and WARRICK are sitting around GRISSOM'S table having a meeting just as if they were at work.)
Grissom: We should reexamine each victim--all the evidence pertaining to each one individually.
Nick: All right, well, I got dibs on Eileen Snow. And I have a strong feeling I'm going to be the one to break the case.
Sara: Tracy Berg.
Warrick: I got Audrey Hayes, but those fibers we found in the Snow lady's throat aren't going to give us anything. White cotton fibers are like oxygen -- they're everywhere ...
Grissom: Well, then go back to your crime scenes and look for a persistence of fibers.
Warrick: "If you can't prove uniqueness, prove abundance."
(With their assignments, everyone stands up and leaves.)
Grissom: Something's better than nothing.
Warrick: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB -- DAY]
(Camera opens on the computer monitor with the results of the DNA search. GREG taps the monitor screen.)
Greg Sanders: Hunter F. Baumgartner. Our ketchup DNA guy.
Catherine: This guy showed up on the database.
(CATHERINE pulls out the chair and sits down.)
Greg Sanders: CODIS (TM) updates its database every couple weeks.
Catherine: Yeah, well, don't act like it's so simple. This guy could have gone another year without being picked up. What did they get him on?
Greg Sanders: Well, indecent exposure. Caught in an alley behind the Monaco.
Catherine: Oh. (reads) Suspended sentence, released two days ago. Call Grissom on his cell.
Greg Sanders: I thought he was off the case.
Catherine: He is. Dial. Tell him to meet me at this guy's work address.
(GREG nods to do it as CATHERINE gets up and leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. "THE DUNGEON'S CLUB" -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk up to the entrance of the bar. Inside, rock music blares.)
Catherine: You think anything illegal goes on in here?
(GRISSOM pushes the bars open. CATHERINE walks in. They both walk up to the bar where the bartender restocks on ice. GRISSOM holds the photo of the man they're looking for and compares it to the bartender.)
Grissom: Excuse me? Hunter?
(The bartender looks up and walks over to them.)
Hunter Baumgartner: Yeah. (amused as he looks at them.) You two look like you made a wrong turn somewhere.
Catherine: We're with the crime lab. Heard you just copped a plea for indecent exposure.
Hunter Baumgartner: I'm sorry, I'm working.
(HUNTER turns to leave, GRISSOM stops him.)
Grissom: Uh-uh.
(GRISSOM starts putting out the photos on the counter.)
Grissom: You recognize any of these women?
(He looks at the photos.)
Hunter Baumgartner: Yeah. Strip Strangler girls. They are all over TV.
Grissom: Do you know them?
Hunter Baumgartner: No.
Catherine: How do you explain your DNA on the bedsheets they were m*rder in?
Hunter Baumgartner: I don't know.
Grissom: Yeah, "I don't know" doesn't get it, pal. DNA's like fingerprints. No two samples are alike. You were in these women's bedrooms.
Hunter Baumgartner: Believe me, Mister, the last place that you will find me is in a woman's bedroom. Unless we're discussing window treatments. Hey, and my indecent was for tricking too close to the boulevard. I don't know anything about k*lling women. That's straight boy stuff.
Catherine: Any recent trick offer you money for something a little weird? Say a portable sample of your DNA?
Hunter Baumgartner: Only about ten times this month. This is Vegas.
Grissom: Would you be able to recognize any of these guys?
Hunter Baumgartner: Well, I'd have to be looking at them in the face now, wouldn't I?
(HUNTER looks at GRISSOM and playfully "bites" him. He turns and leaves. CATHERINE clears throat.)
Catherine: I guess we should have known if our guy was planting hairs he was planting semen.
Grissom: Yeah. Probably in little hollowed-out packets of ketchup.
CUT TO:
[INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY]
(Back at GRISSOM'S, SARA and WARRICK fill him in.)
Sara: I didn't really find anything instructive but Warrick h*t pay dirt.
Warrick: Well, I went back Audrey Hayes' apartment and I paid particular attention to the point of entry. I found a small persistence of white cotton fibers.
(Quick flash to: The camera moves low along the carpet till it stops at a couple of strands of cotton. One is picked up. End of flash. Resume to present.)
Grissom: (thinking) Could have been the staging area. Maybe he wears his m*rder kit.
(Quick flashback to: The intruder is pulling out a cotton towel from his jacket pocket. His hands are gloved, his face covered. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Warrick: Well, I remember what you said about signature guys and how they have low self-esteem. They're always going to the gym to work out so I'm thinking gym towels.
Sara: The frequented locations report said none of the women belong to a gym where he could have spotted them.
Warrick: So ... I went back to see if any of them had tried out introductory offers.
Sara: Which I do all the time. It's a free workout, and you don't have to sign up.
Warrick: But you do have to sign in.
(WARRICK holds out the sign in sheets to GRISSOM. He takes them and looks at them.)
Warrick: All three women went to Strong's Gym once in the last three months. So, I'm going back there, grab some towels bring them back to the lab see if I can get a match from the crime scene fibers.
Sara: And, of course, get a list of the club's male gym members.
Grissom: Call Brass, tell him to meet you guys there. Let me know.
Warrick: Will do.
(WARRICK and SARA leave the place. GRISSOM'S phone rings. He answers it.)
Grissom: (on phone) Grissom.
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI - EVIDENCE VAULT -- DAY]
(NICK is in the room on the phone talking softly.)
Nick: (on phone) Yeah, I'm looking in front of Eileen Snow's apartment. This security guard said he saw a guy burn rubber out of there tight of Eileen's m*rder.
Grissom: (on phone) I remember that guy.
Nick: (on phone) Yeah, well, there's no rubber here. On the pavement or curb. A coup of oil spots, that's about it. And I called Brass. Nobody took any photographs of any tire marks. Not the Las Vegas P.D. Not the Feds.
Grissom: (on phone) Hmm. Little lie, big lie?
Nick: (on phone) Mm-hmm.
(AGENT RICK CULPEPPER walks into the evidence vault and interrupts NICK'S phone call.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: The only shift CSI I can actually find. You're tampering with evidence of the United States Government there, Mr. Stokes.
Nick: I was just looking for a quiet spot to call my girlfriend.
Agent Rick Culpepper: Well, tell your girlfriend she's going to have you out of a job. Best thing you could do for your boss -- protect him from himself.
Nick: (innocently) Grissom? (on phone) I got to run, peanut. Love you, too. Bye-bye.
(On the other end of the phone, GRISSOM stares at it.)
(Back in the evidence vault, CULPEPPER watches NICK, then turns and leaves the room.)
CUT BACK TO:
[INT. GRISSOM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY]
(With the new information, GRISSOM flips through the file looking for the name.)
Grissom: Goggle.
(Quick flashback to: SYD GOGGLE in his security guard uniform talks to GRISSOM.)
Syd Goggle: If you need any help in your investigation, Mr. Grissom ...
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Syd Goggle.
(GRISSOM closes the file.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT./INT. SYD GOGGLE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM walks down the sidewalk looking for the correct address. He compares it with the slip of paper in his hand. He walks down the steps looking for the residence.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM walks up to the front door and knocks. The door isn't closed nicely. GRISSOM pauses for a moment, then pushes the door open. He looks into the room.)
Grissom: Mr. Goggle?
(From where he stands, GRISSOM can see the various items on the table. An open book turned over, some remote controls, a grip exerciser, an electric shaver, a brush and a barber's pair of scissors to name some.)
(Quick flash to: The intruder using the electric shaver to shave off the hairs on his arm. The camera pulls back and we see that the intruder is bald. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM turns around and doesn't enter the apartment. He looks down the hallway, then looks down where he sees some splotches of clear liquid on the pavement directly in front of his feet.)
(GRISSOM turns and looks down the hallway.)
(Cut to: GRISSOM follows the liquid splotches on the pavement. The further he goes, the larger they get till finally he reaches the trash bin.)
(GRISSOM kneels down and looks at the trash bag and looks inside. He finds discarded packets of ketchup.)
(The sounds of a washing machine clunking distracts GRISSOM. He turns and looks down at the basement stairs nearby. He stands and follows the machine noise.)
CUT TO:
[INT. SYD GOGGLE'S LAUNDRY ROOM -- NIGHT]
(GRISSOM descends the stairs into the laundry room where SYD GOGGLE is doing his laundry. He's leaning both hands on the washing machine, his back toward GRISSOM. When GRISSOM reaches the bottom of the laundry room, SYD GOGGLE turns around. GRISSOM shuts off his flashlight.)
Syd Goggle: Gil Grissom.
Grissom: Syd Goggle.
Syd Goggle: I thought you were too busy with the FBI to talk to me.
Grissom: These investigations are always in flux. Am I, uh, interrupting your laundry?
(GRISSOM pockets his flashlight. SYD GOGGLE walks toward the basket full of white cotton gym towels.)
Syd Goggle: I'm just doing some gym towels.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He stares at the hair on SYD GOGGLE'S head. SYD notices it and calmly, boldly takes off his wig. He drops it on the table between them.)
Grissom: You were so meticulous about so many things. Shaving. The gloves. Planted evidence. That's why I don't understand why you'd bring towels that eventually could be tracked.
Syd Goggle: I don't know what you're talking about.
Grissom: Strong's gym. That's where the women told you to you to get lost, right? Stuffing club towels down their throat make your point?
Syd Goggle: You know, the thing with women ... is they work out because they want us to look at them. And then they ... parade around. And you just want to ... say hello.
(As he talks, SYD folds the towel and wrings it in his hands, as if he's done this before.)
Syd Goggle: Everybody knows white cotton fibers aren't like fingerprints. They can't be traced. You don't get a ... match on a towel.
Grissom: In theory. But the truth is every object is changed by its owner. By his habits. His ... washing machine, for instance. His detergent.
(GRISSOM glances at the washing machine. SYD GOGGLE smiles and walks toward GRISSOM.)
Syd Goggle: The totality of microscopic elements. It's Locard's Theory.
(GRISSOM nods. The washing machine starts thumping as the towels clump inside the machine.)
Grissom: Your towel is caught in the agitator.
(SYD turns to look at the washing machine.)
Grissom: Now, see, that's going to leave distinctive marks on the fabric, Syd. And that's just the beginning. I've had a look at your garbage.
Syd Goggle: (surprised, but pleased) You were in my apartment. Now, nothing from there's admissible in court.
Grissom: Your garbage is in a public area ... plain sight. It's enough for me to get a warrant.
(SYD knows that he's caught. Things happen fast. The washing machine starts to make loud noises. GRISSOM turns to look in that direction. SYD grabs a wrench off of the nearby table with the tools on it. He swings. GRISSOM raises a hand to block the blow to his head and gets caught in the side of his arm. He goes down.)
(SYD drops the wrench and uses two hands to pick up a short-handled shovel. He raises it high above his head to swing. GRISSOM puts up a hand to block the blow when a g*n is fired.)
(Standing on the stairs, CATHERINE fires multiple times at SYD GOGGLE. He screams. She continues f*ring. He falls down backward and drops the shovel.)
(GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE and slowly gets up.)
Catherine: You all right?
(Clutching his arm, GRISSOM gets to his feet. He glances between SYD GOGGLE on the ground d*ad and CATHERINE standing right next to him.)
Grissom: (breathing heavily) Yeah. How did you know I was here?
Catherine: Nick told me.
(they both look down at the body. CULPEPPER slowly walks down the basement stairs, his g*n in his hands.)
Agent Rick Culpepper: Everybody okay? (to radio) Special agents, we got a sh**ting. Notify LVPD and paramedics ASAP.
(CULPEPPER walks past GRISSOM.
Grissom: I just wanted to talk to him.
CUT TO:
[INT. GREASY SPOON ALL-NIGHT DINER - DAY]
(On the television monitors, SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY holds a news conference.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: (over tv) We can say unequivocally, based on statements made by a certain local law enforcement employee and corresponding evidence that the deceased, Syd Booth Goggle is the Strip Strangler. Furthermore, since Goggle was k*lled by a second member of Las Vegas Law Enforcement during his apprehension, this case is now closed. I would like to thank the FBI, along with Special Agent Rick Culpepper for his invaluable leadership in this pursuit. In short, we couldn't have done it without you.
(GRISSOM and the CSI team sit in a booth at the local diner. They watch the news conference while waiting for their breakfast.)
Special Agent Rick Culpepper: (over tv) I'd like to thank you, sheriff, Las Vegas Police. I'd also like to thank the citizens of Las Vegas for their courage. We at the Federal Bureau of Investigation are proud to have served you. Thank you.
Warrick: Aw, that's cool. We don't need props. At the end of the day, we know what time it is.
Nick: Give me some of that.
Sara: Do we have a breakfast budget, Grissom?
Grissom: I believe Catherine was going to requisition one.
Sara: Good, cause our plates are up, and nobody has any money.
(SARA stands up to get the plates. WARRICK follows to help her.)
Warrick: Right behind you.
Nick: (smiles at WARRICK) You, uh... you got me, right, w*r?
Warrick: Yeah. Picture that.
(NICK also stands up to help. GRISSOM and CATHERINE sit across from each other in the booth.)
Grissom: I never should have put you in that position, Catherine. I'm sorry.
Catherine: What position? Never doubt and never look back. That's how I live my life.
Grissom: I admire that.
(Everyone returns with the plates.)
Sara: Whole wheat and fruit? Who ordered that?
(GRISSOM motions for his plate.)
Grissom: Here.
Nick: How's this for service?
(The plates are distributed. WARRICK slips back into his seat.)
Catherine: Very good.
Nick: Re... fried beans. Mmm!
(Everyone laughs. SARA pulls up her chair to the table and takes her seat. They all settle in for breakfast as the camera slowly pulls away from the table.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "01x23 - The Strip Strangler"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - DAY]
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY -- DAY]
(Driveway gate automatically rolls open and a Black Chevy Truck drives up the driveway (with Nevada License #510-ZHI). There's shrubbery in the back of the truck with gardening tools/equipment.)
(The truck stops and the gardener holding a red Big Drink cup exits. He takes a sip, puts the cup back in the car and closes door. He takes keys out of pocket and releases the back hatch of the truck to get his tools out and to get to work.)
(Two large dogs whimpering pass through the unlocked backyard gate and greet the surprised gardener.)
Gardener: Hey. How'd you guys get out?
(The dogs bark a couple of times and head back into the yard through the gate. The gardener follows.)
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(The dogs stand at the back glass sliding door. They bark and whimper at something inside. The doors are closed. The gardener takes off his dark glasses and approaches the dogs.)
Gardener: What's the matter, boys?
(He pets the dogs trying to calm them down. Still, the dogs bark and whimper at something inside.)
Gardener: Easy. Hey ...
(He tries the doors, they're locked. Steps up close and peers in, his face extremely close to the glass. Off his face, he's surprised and horrified by the sight.)
(There is a man lying on the floor in his white boxer shorts. He appears to be d*ad.)
QUICK FLASH TO WHITE:
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - OUT FRONT - DAY]
(CATHERINE makes her way up the driveway to the house. She's carrying her CSI kit and maneuvers through the police officers out front. On the driveway there are at least four police cars. She passes a TV news crew and photographers. All around her, there are indistinct radio chatter, helicopter whirring overhead and cameras shuttering and clicking.)
[INT. FOYER - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
(CATHERINE makes it to the front door and is stopped by the officer just inside the door. On the ground inside is GRISSOM. He's on his knees, his face close to the ground, his flashlight in hand. He's looking for something ... or looking at something.)
(CATHERINE sees this and slowly kneels down to assist in the search.)
Catherine: (to GRISSOM) Have you been inside?
(GRISSOM waves his free hand absently. Signaling that he's concentrating on the search for ... whatever. Not wanting to disturb anything, but ready to help, CATHERINE pulls off her sunglasses and leans in close as GRISSOM hones in on it.)
Catherine: What have you got?
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He slowly picks it up. Checks to make sure it's there ... and hands the contact lens to the officer standing nearby.)
Grissom: There you go, detective.
Detective: Thanks. Little tired this morning. Pulling a double.
Catherine: Yeah, join the club.
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM stand.)
Grissom: Good morning, Catherine.
Catherine: Good morning, Gil. So, this is Tony Braun's house. Son of Sam Braun.
(As they walk further into the house, they notice that on the table in the foyer there are framed family photographs. The camera focuses on a particular professional family photograph of Sam Braun (mature man sitting in the center), two males (each one standing to each side of and behind him), and two females (next to the sons on the outside).)
Grissom: He was Steve Wynn before Steve Wynn.
Catherine: Oh, yeah, you bet your ass. (she puts on her gloves) Sam came to Vegas when Vegas was dying. Built three casinos in a year. Had ties to Bugsy Siegel.
CUT TO:
[INT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS]
Brass: Wish I had Tony Braun's gardener working for me. Guy sniffed it out from the jump. Blinds were drawn shut. Side gate unlocked. Dogs let out. "A" plus "B" plus "C" equals 9-1-1.
(There are a couple of officers in the room. The television set's on with the football game in progress. Tony Braun's body is on the carpeted floor. He's wearing white boxer shorts and a dark shirt. On the coffee table next to him is a wine bottle, an empty wine glass, some drug paraphernalia and other stuff.)
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE move in past BRASS to examine the body and scene.)
Grissom: All seems very neat and peaceful, doesn't it?
[Clips of the crime scene from various perspectives flash in quick pulses:
* Upper Body sh*t of the victim on the floor. Flash to white:
* Close up of empty pill bottle next to the victim's right hand. Too far away to make out the prescription label. Flash to white:
* Low angle of the stuff on the table: a used wine glass, a slip of foil, an empty highball glass. Flash to white.]
(CATHERINE picks up a piece of foil that was used for the drugs.)
Catherine: Chasing the dragon. A pinch of "H." Heat the foil. Inhale the fumes.
[* close up of empty pill container from SKADDEN'S PHARMACY (78566 Ambers Ave...). From what we can see of the prescription label, it says:
(Name) Tony Braun
(Fill Date) 9/25/01
(Phone No.) 555-0190
Take One tablet when ... Do not exceed 3 Tablets ... XANAX
(Expires) 07/25/02
(Refill) 1
The side yellow label says: CAUTION: DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL.]
(GRISSOM picks up the pill bottle and begins to read part of the label.)
Grissom: With a Xanax back. 100 pills. Prescription filled yesterday.
Brass: So the rumors about ol' Tony boy are true. Drug overdose.
Catherine: It sure seems that way.
(GRISSOM shakes his head.)
Grissom: If only life were that simple.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - DAY]
(Extreme close up of a camera lens as it flashes. SARA is taking crime scene photos while GRISSOM is busy over the body. She snaps two pictures and takes the film out of the camera. SARA hands the film to THE COURIER waiting nearby.)
(Cut to close up of Tony Braun's right arm and hand. GRISSOM takes out a container.)
Sara: (to the COURIER) Eight rolls. Two copies. Case is hot. Put a rush on it.
Courier: Okay.
(THE COURIER leaves. SARA sees something on the carpet and picks it up. She holds it up for closer inspection.)
Sara: Lose an earring?
Grissom: Looks like somebody did.
(SARA bags the earring backing. GRISSOM uncaps the container and uses the cover to take a sample of the clear sticky goo on Tony Braun's wrist.)
Grissom: He's got adhesive residue on his wrists.
Sara: He was restrained. Some sort of tape.
Grissom: Well, that would be the obvious.
Sara: Braun had company.
Grissom: Welcome ... or unwelcome?
Sara: Where's the purge? Car blows its engine, there's an oil leak. A guy ODs, where's the body fluid? Urine, vomit, excrement.
Grissom: Did somebody clean him up?
(SARA notices and focuses in on three red spots on Tony Braun's upper chest.)
Sara: Interesting love bites on the chest.
Grissom: Curious, isn't it?
(SARA realizes something else and puts her flashlight down.)
Sara: And he's posed.
(Camera sh*t of Tony Braun's body flat on his back on the floor with his arms a little away from his sides shows us what SARA sees. She turns to GRISSOM.)
Sara: When did you know this was a homicide and not an O.D.?
Grissom: Initially?
Sara: Yeah.
Grissom: When I saw the TV on.
(GRISSOM points to the television set. The camera cuts to the television screen where the football game continues.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY]
(NICK is playing with and vigorously petting Tony Braun's dogs inside the backyard near the gate. CATHERINE walks by, she stops as she puts on her latex gloves and watches the interaction. NICK notices CATHERINE and smiles up at her.)
Catherine: Well, I'll tell you one thing -- if those were my dogs, I wouldn't be leaving this gate open.
Nick: Yeah, you're talking about a dog owner on heroin. How responsible can he be?
Catherine: Gardener said it was the first time in five years that he'd found this gate unlocked.
(NICK stands and looks at CATHERINE through the gate bars.)
Nick: What's so different about this morning?
Catherine: Last morning of Tony Braun's life? Well, either somebody inside the house opened it, or somebody had a key because this lock hasn't been forced. There's no pry marks. No metal shavings.
Nick: So ... why was the gate open?
CUT TO:
[INT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY]
(CLOSE UP of about 12+ pill containers on the dresser top - both prescription (from SKADDEN'S PHARMCY) and over-the-counter -- little black, red and white balloons scattered, an open white box of cigarettes along with other stuff.)
(In the background near the door, BRASS is going through the contents on top of a second dresser.)
Warrick: A heroin addict's confetti. Nothing like going on a binge.
(WARRICK picks up a single empty, open small red balloon with forceps.)
(Flash to white. The camera does a quick CGI flash close-up journeying into the balloon and shows black residue stuck to the inner walls of the rubber. The balloon itself is empty of its contents. Flash to white.)
(Cut back to WARRICK holding the red balloon with forceps.)
Warrick: Black tar heroin. This is the difference between a Cadillac and a Pinto.
Brass: How would you know?
Warrick: It's my job. (he puts the balloon back on the dresser) I count at least six balloons, and that's just in the bedroom. The dealer must have come down the chimney. It's like Christmas in July here.
(WARRICK crouches down so that he's eye level with the prescription bottles on the dresser.)
Warrick: Not that Braun even needed any more drugs.
Brass: Yeah, looks like the guy had a pill for everything. Can you get a print off those balloons?
(WARRICK throws BRASS a look.)
Warrick: I can get a print off the air.
CUT TO:
[INT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY]
(SARA is going through TONY BRAUN'S KITCHEN. She shuts the cabinet door under the sink, stands and moves to look through another cabinet. She's looking for something.)
(GRISSOM walks in.)
Grissom: Any luck?
Sara: I have gone through every garbage can in the house.
Grissom: What about the cans outside?
Sara: First thing I checked. Zip.
(GRISSOM walks out of the kitchen.)
(SARA opens another cabinet door under the counter and pulls out the kitchen garbage bin. It's full. She puts the garbage bin on the counter and begins to go through it.)
(She removes an empty clear package and puts it aside. She pulls out an empty box of Saltine Crackers, shakes it and hears something in it. She opens it and uses a pair of forceps to pull out a scrunched up wad of silver-gray colored duct tape.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - BACK DOOR - DAY]
(NICK is walking along the back of the house. He hears a dog's whimper. He stops and scratches his left ankle. He notices the doggie door in the back door is open. He pauses and looks at it. Considers the possibilities.)
(He tries the door knob. It's locked. He runs his latex-gloved finger along the top of the doggie door and pulls out the supplies to print the entire section.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY BAY -- DAY]
(GRISSOM enters.)
Grissom: Hey, Doc.
Robbins: Leg fell asleep.
(ROBBINS is legless. He looks up from working on his leg and puts it back on. He gets up and moves toward the body.)
Robbins: I always wondered which one of us coroners would get to carve Tony.
(He and GRISSOM get to work on the body.)
Robbins: His lifestyle was no secret -- sex, drugs and a big bankroll. No needle marks on his arms. The guy plays golf; short-sleeved shirts checked between the toes ... groin area. Whatever he did went up his nose.
(ROBBINS leans in to point toward the inside of TONY BRAUN'S nose.)
Robbins: His nasal cavity looks like raw hamburger.
(The camera does a low pan from TONY BRAUN'S upper chest, up his neck, past his mouth and in toward his nose. The camera view continues to show an extreme close-up of the inside of his nose. Flash to white. Back to GRISSOM looking down on the body.)
Grissom: These abrasions around his mouth? What? Hard to shave when you're stoned?
Robbins: Or they're pressure marks. For example, if someone places a pillow or object against someone's nose and mouth in the climate of struggle.
Grissom: Petechial hemorrhaging? Also suggestive of suffocation.
Robbins: Not always. For as much as pathology is an absolute science, it isn't. Vessels can rupture under innocent circumstances such as a violent cough.
Grissom: These three, circular, red marks on his chest? They're not bug bites.
Robbins: No neurotoxins present but that's not to say some overanxious paramedic trying to save a legend's life didn't cause them in the moment.
Grissom: CPR wasn't performed.
Robbins: Then I don't know what they are.
Grissom: It's hard to OD just inhaling heroin. I know he was restrained which leads me to believe that someone forced him to ingest lethal amounts of heroin and Xanax.
CUT TO:
[EXT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR -- DAY]
(A blonde-haired woman holding a digital camcorder and walking rapidly to the house nearly collides with a police officer holding a clip board. There is indistinct radio chatter in the background.)
Janine Haywood: Excuse me.
(The woman makes her way into the house.)
CUT TO:
[INT. TONY BRAUN'S RESIDENCE - THE FOYER - CONTINUOUS]
(BRASS and CATHERINE are exiting the living room when they have the misfortune to be the first to come upon the blonde-haired woman.)
Janine Haywood: Boy, are you lucky my lawyer's on a golf course. I've been standing out here, in the heat for hours, answering these stupid questions. Here's your answer, okay. This is my house. Okay? This is half my house anyway.
(JANINE HAYWOOD turns her digital camcorder on and begins to walk around the room ... recording.)
Catherine: Who's this?
Brass: It's Braun's "Squeeze". She's an ex-stripper, too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.
Janine Haywood: (in the background) These are my things ...
Catherine: And, uh, where has she been the past 12 hours?
Janine Haywood: (in the background) Oh, my god.
Brass: Uh, let's see.
(BRASS pulls out his notebook, flips open to a couple of pages getting ready to answer CATHERINE'S question.)
Brass: Quote: "Out." Endquote. When Tony's drug dealer showed up, she split. She slept at a friend's house. She didn't like the way Tony acted when he was cruising on magic carpets.
(JANINE HAYWOOD turns her camcorder on BRASS and CATHERINE.)
Janine Haywood: Listen -- if anything is missing from this house I'm going to add you to my lawyer's "to sue" list.
(BRASS moves to block the camera's view, CATHERINE moves off to the side to look for something in her kit, and JANINE puts her camcorder down.)
Brass: Why don't you just put the camera away before you get arrested?
Janine Haywood: You can't arrest me in my own house.
Catherine: Right now, your house is our crime scene ... and we can do whatever we want and that includes fingerprinting you.
(CATHERINE pulls out her fingerprint kit and starts fingerprinting JANINE.)
Janine Haywood: Why? Didn't do anything.
Catherine: Thumb to pinkie.
Janine Haywood: I just lost my boyfriend, okay? You're a woman. I'm just looking out for my end here, you know? Things start to disappear. If Tony were here right now, he'd tell you himself, "just make sure Janine's taken care of."
Brass: That's a lawyer's call.
Janine Haywood: Hey, I'm in the will.
Catherine: Of course you are.
CUT TO:
[EXT LAS VEGAS (STOCK) sh*t OF THE TANGIERS CASINO -- DAY]
[INT. CASINO - DAY]
(CATHERINE walks up to the reception desk.)
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Catherine: Yeah. Is Sam Braun in?
Receptionist: He's not seeing anyone today.
Catherine: Would you let him know that Catherine Willows is here to see him?
(The receptionist passes the message along (through the computer keyboard) and waits as she gets a response back over her headset.)
Receptionist: Just one second, please.
(The Receptionist leaves CATHERINE at the desk. It doesn't take long before an older white-haired man appears behind her.)
Sam Braun: Mugs?
(CATHERINE turns around, she smiles and gives the old man a hug.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
SCENE #12
[INT. CASINO - THE MAIN FLOOR - DAY]
(CATHERINE and SAM BRAUN walk arm in arm along the casino floor.)
Sam Braun: I remember the first time I saw you. You didn't have any clothes on.
Catherine: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.
Sam Braun: I would've taken you home right then if I could have.
Catherine: I know, but you were married and I was a baby. It would've never worked. Sam ... how are you holding up?
(Before he can answer her, WALT BRAUN appears in front of them.)
Walt Braun: Hey, dad, I got the press clogging up valet. Should I call security or just handle it, or what?
Sam Braun: I'll take care of it. You go back to the pit. Make sure nobody's robbing us blind.
(SAM BRAUN turns away from his son leaving him standing there. He takes CATHERINE'S arm and continues to walk across the Casino Floor.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
SCENE #13
[INT. CASINO - RESTAURANT TABLE - DAY]
(CATHERINE and SAM BRAUN reminisce over their drinks.)
Sam Braun: You know, back in, uh ... in '67 I was in my 20s and ... I was drinking in a dive in downtown Buffalo. At the end of the bar was this pro quarterback drinking double scotches, two at t time midnight to 7:00 in the morning. It's Sunday, game day, mind you. So you know what I did? Called my bookie, bet against him. Guess what? I'll be damned if he didn't throw six touchdown passes.
Catherine: (Laughing): Yeah ... sounds like Tony.
Sam Braun: You know, even when Tony was juicing he could run circles around these college, Harvard types ... and I'm not saying that just because he was my kid. Tony was the best damn casino exec this town has ever seen and just between you and me ... I couldn't hold a candle to him. Now he's d*ad. Overdose.
Catherine: Sam ... the bigger the pedestal the bigger the target.
Sam Braun: Nobody sh**t at that target without going through me.
Catherine: Well, that's business. What about personal?
Sam Braun: What do you mean?
Catherine: Did you ever talk to Tony about any of his girlfriends?
Sam Braun: Which one? I mean, they were all trying to pick the gold out of his teeth.
Catherine: Janine Haywood.
Sam Braun: She's the worst ... and he loved her the most. Can you believe it?
Catherine: Yeah, I do.
Sam Braun: If I know her type, now that she has the gold she'll be going after the silver.
(Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- PRINT LAB]
(GRISSOM AND HIS LAB EXPERIMENT to get the fingerprints off of the plastic prescription drug pill container.)
(GRISSOM takes the empty prescription bottle and hangs it on an upside-down stand. He proceeds to process the bottle to extract the fingerprints on it by heating glue and exposing the bottle to the fumes in a sealed environment. He removes the bottle from the stand and gently brushes it. When he's done, there are lots of fingerprints around the bottle.)
(Camera close-up holds on the prescription bottle with visible fingerprints.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB]
(CATHERINE is at the computer monitor. GRISSOM is sitting on the chair next to her.)
Catherine: Okay, on the left, Braun prints we got from the coroner and on the right, gold digger prints I got from Janine Haywood.
Grissom: Here's where it gets interesting. I took six prints off this bottle.
Catherine: And?
Grissom: They all belong to one person.
Catherine: Good thing or ... bad thing?
Grissom: It's good if you're us ...
(The computer beeps. The print on the left is place on the print on the right. It rotates 180 degrees till it's upside down and shows no differences. The red print on the right enlarges and moves to the center of the screen. It shows a match.)
Grissom: Bad if you're Janine Haywood.
(CATHERINE and GRISSOM both look pleased.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM walks out of a room into the hallway traffic. He takes a sip of coffee from the cup he's holding. His face shows his distaste with the cup's contents. He's met up by WARRICK. They continue walking.)
Warrick: Have you seen Brass?
Grissom: Not tonight, no. Why?
Warrick: Oh. "Print off air." Orange balloon. Cyanoacrylate. d*ad bang, drug dealer.
(WARRICK heads off in another direction. GRISSOM nearly walks into SARA as she's in a rush to get to wherever it is she's going. She's holding a plastic bag with the wad of duct tape from the kitchen garbage bin.)
Sara: Ooh, ooh, watch it! Evidence.
Grissom: Where did you get it?
Sara: cr*cker box. It was all stuck together, muckety-muck. I don't want to ruin any potential prints but I saw this TV dinner commercial and it h*t me. I'm going to put it in the freezer.
(SARA continues down the hallway. GRISSOM turns around and continues on to his destination.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
(GRISSOM reaches the Lounge/Break Room (whatever it's called). NICK is sitting at the table working on something.)
Grissom: Did you try this coffee?
Nick: Mm-mmm. [Translation: No.]
Grissom: The last cup I had tasted like motor oil.
(GRISSOM picks up the pot of coffee. From straight down the hallway, GREG runs to intercept the coffee pot and GRISSOM'S cup. He stops in front of GRISSOM.)
Greg: Oh, don't touch it. That's my pot!
Grissom: Your pot?
Greg: Yeah, you know, from my own private stash. (He picks up the coffee bag.) Blue Hawaiian -- $40 a pound. Only grown a couple times a year on the Big Island hand-picked to perfection.
Grissom: Good. You're using my water so I guess that makes it community coffee.
(GRISSOM pours himself a cup. He turns and offers NICK a cup also.)
Grissom: You want a cup, Nick?
(NICK looks over at GRISSOM and scratches his lower leg.)
Nick: No, thanks.
Grissom: What's the matter with your leg?
Nick: I don't know, man. Something back at that house must have bit me.
(NICK opens the bottle of rubbing alcohol on the table and begins to soak up the cotton wipe. GRISSOM is drinking his coffee and reading the back of the coffee bag. GREG reaches for the coffee pot, pours himself a cup and sees NICK do this.)
Greg: Oh, is that alcohol on a bug bite? That's like butter on burns, man. Wives' tale.
(NICK is definitely rubbing the alcohol on the bug bite.)
Nick: Yeah, this is the guy who told me to put hemorrhoid cream on my acne.
(GRISSOM smiles at this.)
Greg: It worked, didn't it?
(GREG grabs his bag of Blue Hawaiian coffee out of GRISSOM'S hands and leaves the room.)
Grissom: (about the coffee) This is pretty good.
(Approaches NICK at the table and looks down at the bite on NICK'S leg.)
Grissom: Let me see the bite before you get gangrene. Chigger bite.
Nick: Yeah?
Grissom: Probably picked it up walking through the ferns in Braun's backyard. See if Catherine's got some clear nail polish. It'll seal it off from the air, keep it from itching.
Grissom: Ah -- Whatever happened with that doggy door?
Nick: Something definitely two-legged went through it. Got mostly partials. Print lab's working on it now.
Grissom: Be sure to check it against Janine Haywood's prints.
(NICK nods. GRISSOM and his cup of coffee leave the room.)
HARD CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY BAY]
(ROBBINS' holding up a clear container of brown liquid stuff.)
Robbins: Braun's stomach contents. No food. Plenty of drugs.
Grissom: Xanax?
Robbins: And heroin.
(ROBBINS hands the container to GRISSOM.)
Catherine: I thought he inhaled it.
Robbins: Inhaled and ingested.
Catherine: He ate it?
Robbins: Got there somehow.
(GRISSOM holds the container up to the light and is looking for something inside it.)
Grissom: Where are all the undissolved pills?
Robbins: Didn't find any.
Grissom: Most OD's die before digestion's complete, right?
Robbins: My guess, someone mashed up the Xanax, dissolved them in red wine, which I did find.
Grissom: Okay, so what do we know that we can write home about?
Catherine: Well, Braun was a heroin addict using heavy just before he died which means he was probably meek as a lamb.
Grissom: Wouldn't have taken much to bind his hands with duct tape.
Catherine: And make him drink hemlock. It's a lot easier to pour liquid down a guy's throat than it is to make him swallow a hundred pills.
Robbins: It wasn't a hundred pills.
Grissom: How many?
Robbins: Educated, unofficial guess: No more than fifty.
(GRISSOM looks at the container he's holding.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[EXT. ALLEYWAY -- NIGHT]
Brass: Based on your pupes, I could take you in right now.
Skinny (drug dealer): Hey, man, I'm in mourning. It's tears you see. I lost a customer. It's like losing my job, kind of.
Warrick: You're Braun's grocery store.
Skinny: But I deliver.
Brass: When did you last deliver?
Skinny: Night before he croaked. About nine o'clock -- ask his woman. She's fine, too.
Brass: Well, she told us as soon as you got there, she left.
Skinny: Oh, she didn't go that fast. I dropped off some balloons, Braun paid me, she gave me a tip.
Brass: What? "Shave the soul patch?"
Skinny: No. Thirty Xanadus.
Warrick: Xanax?
HARD CUT TO:
[INT. CASINO/HOTEL LOBBY]
Janine Haywood: I told you I dropped them down the bathroom sink.
Brass: First time I heard that.
Janine Haywood: Look, I took two, gave Tony two and I accidentally dropped fifteen or twenty down the sink. It was an accident. You know, an accident? Haven't you ever spilled a drink?
Catherine: Not lately. We found fifty Xanax in Tony's stomach.
Janine Haywood: Don't pin that on me. I'd left.
Catherine: I'll tell you what you left -- your fingerprints all over the prescription bottle.
Janine Haywood: I went to the pharmacy waited in line picked up the prescription signed for it brought it back to the house. You know, Tony did nothing for himself except work and get high.
Brass: Got you a brand-new Mercedes, didn't it?
Janine Haywood: Yes, it did. And it'll buy me the dress I wear at Tony's funeral, too.
Brass: Look, when you left your half a house where did you go?
Janine Haywood: A friend's.
Brass: Well, let's get her on the line.
Janine Haywood: She's out of town.
Brass: Let me guess -- she's incommunicado.
Janine Haywood: That means you can't reach her? Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY]
(CATHERINE is carrying a big life-sized dummy down the hallway. She bumps into two men as they walk by her. She seems in a hurry and knows where she's going.)
Catherine: Oh, mind the dummy.
(CAMERA travels seemlessly into the next office which just happens to be ... )
[INT. CSI - GREG'S LAB]
(GRISSOM appears in the room. He glances down at his watch.)
Grissom: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When's this thing going to be done?
Greg: Well, with all due respect, sir, it's not a baked potato. It's Braun's blood and with all the impurities in his system it might take a little extra time.
(GREG nods his head and changes the subject.)
Greg: Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?
Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?
(The mass spectrometer beeps and spews out the test results.)
Greg: Excuse me. You know, heroin has a nine-minute half-life. After that, it metabolizes into morphine.
Grissom: What's the 6-MAM count?
Greg: A hundred fifty-eight (158) nanograms per mil. Definitely not lethal. The same with your Xanax. Quarter-mil tabs, hundred (100) micrograms per liter. Again, not lethal. There's addicts walking around times square with more drugs in their system.
Grissom: So Braun should still be walking around.
(GRISSOM starts to leave the room, but stops as he passes GREG'S desk. He's just gotta ask ... )
Grissom: ... and the point of your New York story was ... ?
Greg: Oh, I was just going to tell you about another way to take heroin -- a suppository up the coolee. You just stand on your head, and then you let gravity ...
(Off GRISSOM'S strange look, GREG decides to ... )
Greg: ... forget it.
(GRISSOM leaves. Hold on GREG.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM]
(CATHERINE drops the dummy on the floor. GRISSOM walks in holding a paper package containing some kind of evidence.)
Grissom: Braun didn't die of a drug overdose accidental or otherwise.
Catherine: I figured. So why'd I bring the dummy?
(GRISSOM opens the package, takes out its contents and drops the empty package on the floor.)
Catherine: Braun's shirt.
Grissom: Robbins opened him up. His lungs were compressed. Remember Burke and Hare the two 19th century Scottish body snatchers who made a living intoxicating innocent victims and suffocating them? Sold their cadavers to teaching hospitals? Got away with it, too, until a medical student discovered his fiancée on a slab.
Catherine: Is this part of the Sherlock Holmes Fan Club Kit?
(Together, CATHERINE and GRISSOM start to dress the dummy.)
Grissom: Janine Haywood said that she left the house when the drug dealer arrived. I think she came back.
Catherine: So Braun would have been on his third or fourth balloon by then.
(Quick Flashback to Tony Braun doing drugs. He lights up the foil and inhales. Flash to white. Camera on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Would have been easy to tape his wrists mash up fifty pills ...
(Quick Flashback to: A woman's hand holding the Xanax prescription bottle and pouring a bunch of pills into an empty ash tray. Flash to white. The woman using a sh*t glass to mash the pills in the ash tray. Flash to white. The white powder being poured into a wine glass. )
Grissom: ... and force-feed him a Xanax cocktail.
(Continuing Flashback: A woman holding Tony Braun's head back and getting ready to pour the mixture down his throat. Tony Braun swallowing some of the mixture. Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume Present.)
Grissom: So everything was going great until the gardener showed up. Then I think her plan turned to panic. It takes time to OD -- time Janine didn't have.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE finish dressing the dummy. GRISSOM begins to rub carbon-paper on the buttons of the shirt to stain them.)
Grissom: Burke would kneel on his victim's chest, right, covering their mouth and nostrils.
Catherine: But when you're doing drugs, you're a slob; and when you're being manhandled, you're even sloppier. Like this.
(To demonstrate the theory, CATHERINE grabs the shirt the dummy wears and puts her knee on the dummy's chest.)
(Quick Flashback to a woman's knee on Tony Braun's chest while covering his nose and mouth.)
(CATHERINE gets off of the dummy and opens up the shirt to reveal three black stains on the dummy's white chest. She smiles.)
Catherine: He was "burked".
(The telephone rings. GRISSOM stands to answer it.)
Grissom: (on phone) Hello.
(Over the phone, we can make out a lot of static and an unrecognizable voice talking.)
Grissom: (on phone) Where?
(Still more static and unrecognizable voice.)
Grissom: (on phone) Brass, you're breaking up.
(GRISSOM hangs up.)
Grissom: (to CATHERINE) Said he was in Blue Diamond, digging something up.
HARD CUT TO:
[EXT. DESERT ROAD TO BLUE DIAMOND -- DAY]
(Five police cars race down the dusty sand road. Their sirens are wailing, lights flashing. Lead car license plate #52980.)
CUT TO:
(A lone man is using a shovel and digging in the dry ground in front of his parked white Isuzu truck/van. He stops and holds up his hands as the police cars park.)
Curt Ritten: Hey ... hey, what's going on?
Brass: Anybody ever tell you to call before you dig?
Curt Ritten: I got permission to be here.
Brass: Oh, is that right? From who? A d*ad man? You got a name?
Curt Ritten: My name's Curt Ritten. Look, Tony Braun was a friend of mine, right? This is his property. He calls me about a month ago. He says "if anything should happen to me, you start digging. You take care of what's mine at all costs." That's what I'm doing.
(GRISSOM peers in and sees something in CURT RITTEN'S truck. He notes it to CATHERINE. Inside the truck, we see three rolls of silver-gray duct tape.)
Brass: Do me a favor, Curt Ritten. Put down the shovel.
Curt Ritten: Okay.
Brass: Stand over there.
Curt Ritten: Okay.
Catherine: (to GRISSOM) Maybe Janine had a helper.
Brass: (to GRISSOM and CATHERINE) Hey, guys, you might want to check out the basement.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE approach to see what CURT RITTEN was digging up. In the ground is a large padlocked door.)
CUT TO:
(The padlock is broken open.)
CUT TO:
[INT. UNDERGROUND BASEMENT -- DAY]
(The door opens.)
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE descend the stairway into a cave filled with lots of loot. Shelves of silver bullion, silver candelabras, silver dishes. They seem absolutely astounded by the vault.)
Grissom: "A sable cloud turns forth its silver lining to the night."
[Note: Quote is from John Milton's "Comus" (1634).]
Catherine: That's a lot of motive.
Grissom: And a lot of silver.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA opens the freezer door and removes the wad of duct tape that she found in Tony Braun's kitchen garbage bin. She puts it on the lab table and begins to unravel it. It unsticks easily.)
(With a brush, she "paints" on a solution made with liquid soap and black print powder. With a washer, she washes it away to reveal the fingerprints underneath. She holds her find up to the light just as WARRICK walks in. He holds up a string with the tape on it.)
Warrick: Okay, three rolls of tape found in the truck owned by Curt Ritten.
Sara: Nice. Let's see if that's where my print came from.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(Under the microscope, the edges of the duct tape do not match the tape sample SARA found in the garbage bin.)
Warrick: No match!
Sara: Oh, listen to you. Would you rather h*t a home run in the fourth or the bottom of the ninth?
(WARRICK throws SARA a look.)
Sara: Let me ask you something. Braun collected silver -- coins, bullion -- 23 tons of it. Why bury it in Blue Diamond?
Warrick: 'Cause he was smart. In the past 20 years the value of silver's gone to nothing and a commodity broker's going to charge you a storage fee per troy ounce and there's only one thing worse than losing seven to eight percent on silver a year and that's losing nine to ten percent because of some stupid storage fee.
(As he talks, WARRICK checks the duct tape sample against the other duct tape rolls. The second try doesn't work.)
Sara: What good's collecting silver coupons when you're d*ad?
Warrick: Depends on who's doing the clipping.
(WARRICK checks the final duct tape roll and finds ... )
Warrick: Oh, we got a positive association. Roll to tape. Curt to Tony.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. BLUE DIAMOND UNDERGROUND VAULT -- DAY]
(BRASS questions CURT RITTEN. GRISSOM is behind them. He just got off the cell phone and is holding the phone close to his chest.)
Curt Ritten: You arresting me for digging?
Brass: No, burglary, theft and conspiracy, to start.
Curt Ritten: Tony asked me to move his silver collection up to his ranch in Wyoming. I'm doing what I was told.
Grissom: Mr. Ritten ... it appears that we may have physical evidence connecting you to the m*rder of Tony Braun.
Curt Ritten: Look, I had nothing to do with the drugs. I swear to you, I haven't messed around with that stuff in a long time. I was always telling Tony, as a friend to get off of it, to walk away.
Brass: How'd you know where the silver was buried?
Curt Ritten: Because I built the vault for him. I'm a contractor. That's what I do.
Brass: Ever work on his house?
Curt Ritten: No. We did ... we did talk about me building a basement for him once. It never got off the ground.
Brass: Oh, so, you've been to his house?
Curt Ritten: (to BRASS) We were friends. I've been to his house plenty of times. I was there a couple weeks ago. We were watching the Notre Dame game together.
Grissom: Did you ever leave anything there? Did you ever bring anything over to his house?
Curt Ritten: (to GRISSOM) Yeah, I brought a six-pack and some chips - (to BRASS) sour cream.
Brass: Tools of the trade, Curt. Construction items -- hammer, duct tape?
Curt Ritten: No. Why would I do that? I got no idea what you're talking about.
Brass: Yeah, well, whatever you don't tell us, we'll find it.
CUT TO:
[INT. CURT RITTEN'S RESIDENCE - DAY]
(The door unlocks and opens. CATHERINE and DET. SAM VEGA walk into a darkened living room. The Detective is holding a warrant.)
Det. Sam Vega: That's the quickest warrant I ever got.
Catherine: Yep. Braun family. Long arms.
Catherine: I thought you said that Ritten's wife lives in Carson City.
(CATHERINE notices a woman's skirt draped on the back of the couch.)
Det. Sam Vega: She does. They both do. He just stays here when he's working.
Catherine: Or digging up silver.
(They hear a noise coming from another room. DET. SAM VEGA unholsters his g*n.)
CUT TO:
(DET. SAM VEGA and CATHERINE make their way down the hallway.)
Catherine: Mrs. Ritten?
(No response.)
Catherine: Criminalistics.
(Now, we can hear the sounds of water running in the shower.)
Det. Sam Vega: Police officer.
(The bathroom door is slightly open. The light is on inside. The two approach the bathroom and promptly run into ... )
Janine Haywood: Geez! You scared me. How'd you get in here?
Catherine: I don't have to ask you that question.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB]
Warrick: How can this be, Mandy? We found the duct tape in the guy's truck.
(Both WARRICK and SARA are in the lab. MANDY is on the computer telling them the bad news about the prints on their duct tape.)
Sara: You're telling us the prints on that tape aren't his or hers?
Mandy: Well, if their names are Curt Ritten and Janine Haywood the answer's, "no, it's not their prints."
Sara: This is ridiculous.
Warrick: This thing must have a virus.
(He taps the side of her monitor for emphasis.)
Mandy: Maybe you have the wrong suspects.
Warrick: Well, that's easy for you to say. All you do is scan prints all day and h*t "enter."
Mandy: Look, I'm not your beast of burden. Sara, this is your thing.
(MANDY stands up getting ready to leave it to SARA when NICK walks in. He's in a cheery mood.)
Nick: Mandy ... give me something dandy.
Mandy: I'll give you something dandy. Your doggie-door prints. Good-bye, I have to go on a break now.
(MANDY leaves. NICK reads the report. There's no reaction from him prompting WARRICK to comment ... )
Warrick: See what I mean?
Sara: Your prints came back unknown, too?
Nick: No. Came back: "Walt Braun".
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM]
Grissom: Who is he?
Catherine: He's Tony Braun's brother. He's a pit boss at the Tangiers which is why his prints were on file -- gaming card.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE are sitting down in the police department's waiting room. They're both sitting sideways on back to back seats, facing forward.)
Grissom: He's family. Why's he using the doggie door and not the front door?
Catherine: Go figure. The more evidence that shows up the more this case doesn't make sense. We got two suspects in custody and neither of their prints are on the duct tape.
Grissom: Or on the doggie door ... but the brother's are.
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Grissom: So, call the print lab.
Catherine: It's been done. They're not Walt Braun's prints on the tape. Came back unknown.
(BRASS enters and takes a seat on one of the waiting room chairs.)
Brass: Hey. I've got Detective Vega rounding up Walt Braun. Apparently, this Janine Haywood really got around.
(FLASH CUT to JANINE HAYWOOD in the interrogation room. She's chewing gum and looking bored. The camera moves over her shoulder and beyond and reveals that in the next interrogation room is CURT RITTEN. He's on his feet and pacing the floor. Flash cut back to CATHERINE.)
Brass: When she wasn't at Braun's house playing girlfriend, she's over at "vault boy's" flat playing mistress ... which gives neither of them a credible alibi.
Catherine: Flimsy alibis don't prove m*rder. What else have we got?
Grissom: Nothing probative.
Brass: Then I let the girlfriend go. Curt Ritten goes back to lock-up until he posts bail.
Grissom: Look, forget Curt. Forget Janine. Forget the suspects. It's simple. We got to figure out how a piece of duct tape from a roll we found in Curt Ritten's truck ended up wrapped around the wrists of our victim.
Catherine: Without Curt's prints on it.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(CURT RITTEN and JANINE HAYWOOD along with a Guard walk out into the hallway. CURT RITTEN immediately starts arguing with another brown-haired woman standing there.
Janine Haywood: Curt, we're out of here.
(The woman sees JANINE HAYWOOD and gets angry. From the other end of the hallway, GRISSOM, CATHERINE and BRASS all round the corner and witness the exchange.)
Bonnie Ritten: Oh, you're going to take this, too, huh?
Curt Ritten: Bonnie ...
Bonnie Ritten: I come down here with a check to bail my husband out and you say to him, "we're out of here"? No, honey, you're out of here!
Curt Ritten: Bonnie, take it easy.
Bonnie Ritten: Take it easy?!
Bonnie Ritten: (to JANINE) How many men do you need, huh?
Janine Haywood: Hey, at least I can take care of mine.
Bonnie Ritten: (to CURT) I've stuck by you through the bankruptcies the flings, the lies, and I have had it, okay? So, you choose. Me or her?
Curt Ritten: Sorry, Janine.
Janine Haywood: Yeah ... heard that before.
(She leaves.)
Janine Haywood: (o.s.) Call me.
Brass: Bail processing is this way.
(As they leave, BONNIE and CURT RITTEN pass CATHERINE and GRISSOM.)
Catherine: Been there.
CUT TO:
[INT. CASINO]
(GRISSOM and DET. SAM VEGA are questioning WALT BRAUN.)
Walt Braun: You came down here to ask me about a doggie door? I could've just told you over the phone.
Grissom: It's a quirk. I always like to discuss fingerprints in person.
Walt Braun: Hmm. Tony and I went to dinner.
Grissom: How long ago?
Walt Braun: A while back.
Grissom: Be more specific.
Walt Braun: Uh, about a month and a half ago. We ate at Piero's talked a little business -- I dropped him off.
<FLASHBACK>
(WALT BRAUN is sitting behind the wheel in his car. TONY BRAUN is on the back door porch.)
Tony Braun: Hey Walt ... Come over here for a second, will you?
(CUT TO. TONY and WALT are at the back yard gate. He unlocks the gate with his own key.)
Walt Braun: My key still works here. How come it doesn't work on the front door?
Tony Braun: I changed the locks.
(CUT TO: WALT BRAUN squeezing in to the house via the doggie door. Cut to WALT BRAUN'S feet walking on the inside which probably signifies that he made it through the doggie door.)
</FLASHBACK>
Walt Braun: And, so, I used the doggie door walked through the house, opened the door, let Tony in.
Police Officer Vega: Guy with that kind of money doesn't have a security alarm?
Walt Braun: When you're a Braun there's nothing you can't replace.
Grissom: You can't replace your brother.
(GRISSOM glances down at WALT BRAUN'S leg. Apparently he's been scratching or doing something strange that we really haven't noticed (because they really didn't show it to us).)
Grissom: What's the matter with your leg?
Walt Braun: I don't know something must've bit me.
Grissom: Mind if I take a look?
Walt Braun: What are you, a dermatologist?
Grissom: I'm an entomologist, actually. I-I know all about bugs.
Walt Braun: Sure. Can you tell me what to put on it? It's k*lling me.
(WALT BRAUN pulls the sock down and shows us big ole bug bites. GRISSOM can barely contain his excitement at the discovery.)
Grissom: Chigger bites. You might want to try some nail polish, keep it from itching. Would you mind if I took a photograph for my bite collection?
(GRISSOM reaches into his kit and pulls out his camera.)
Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha.
Grissom: (to DET. SAM VEGA) We're almost done.
Det. Sam Vega: Mr. Braun, uh, where do you live?
Walt Braun: Shoshone Hi-Rise -- J.W. Brown Road.
Det. Sam Vega: And you work here?
Walt Braun: Yeah, I'm a glorified pit boss.
Grissom: In the, uh, last 48 hours have you been anywhere else besides those two places?
Walt Braun: No. My life's pretty routine.
(GRISSOM pulls the picture from the camera and looks at it.)
Grissom: It might just get a little more routine.
(Camera hold on WALT BRAUN'S expression.)
CUT TO:
[EXT LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. CSI -- LOCKER ROOM]
(NICK is sitting alone in the locker room. GRISSOM enters.)
Grissom: Nick, I need your leg. Show me your bite.
Nick: Oh, it's no worries. I got some cream.
Grissom: Hey.
Nick: All right. It's no big deal, really.
(NICK shows GRISSOM his bug bites. GRISSOM puts the photo he took of WALT BRAUN'S bug bites up against NICK'S leg to visually compare the two. GRISSOM takes a seat.)
Grissom: What time did you log in at the Braun house?
Nick: 9:15 that morning.
Grissom: How long after that did you start processing the backyard?
Nick: About a half hour.
Grissom: You're not the only one with chigger bites.
(GRISSOM shows NICK the photograph.)
Nick: Who is this?
Grissom: Walt Braun. It's now 9:30 at night. Approximately 36 hours ago, you were bitten. Three hours earlier than that Tony Braun was m*rder. Chiggers run a predictable course.
[* Flash CGI clip of chigger bites -- of the chigger doing exactly what GRISSOM describes.]
Grissom: A chigger attaches itself to a hair follicle injects a digest enzyme into the skin which ruptures the surrounding cells allowing the chigger to suck em up leaving behind a red, itchy bump.
Nick: So ... ?
Grissom: Walt Braun lied. We now have an entomological timeline that places him at the house on the day his brother was m*rder.
(GRISSOM stands to leave the locker room. NICK stops him.)
Nick: Ah -- I don't know, boss. I mean, ask yourself the question: Are doggie-door prints and chigger bites enough to get a man for m*rder?
(GRISSOM thinks about it. He leaves without saying a word. NICK resumes putting the creme on his bug bites.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING]
[INT. CSI CONFERENCE ROOM]
(Everyone's gathered at a dinner meeting.)
Catherine: What've we got?
Brass: Well, I got motive. According to the family lawyer, the drug addict ...
Catherine: (interrupting) Now, Jim, that's just a little callous.
Brass: I'm calling it what it is. I know you're friends with the family but the guy used heroin. He was a drug addict who stood in line to inherit the old man's fortune.
Sara: What about the brother?
Brass: Walt's out of the picture. He's left out in the cold.
Catherine: He is?
Brass: Yeah. Tony promised he'd take care of him. Whatever he got, he split 50-50 all in ... silver included ... up until about a month ago.
Nick: But Tony changed his mind, which changed the will.
Catherine: So, wait a second -- Janine, the stripper claims that half of everything is hers so that's actually more than just wishful thinking?
Warrick: Bet Walt wasn't too happy about that. It's 50-50 going 75-25 the wrong way.
Sara: Curt was digging up the silver to protect Janine's interest.
Nick: So, what's right in front of us that we're missing?
Grissom: What evidence do we have that's still open?
Catherine: I just got the references off of Walt Braun gave the samples to Greg.
Sara: Couple of things on the priority list that haven't been processed yet: Tape lifts, adhesive residue, I got the earring back.
Nick: Where'd you find that?
Sara: Living room, near the body.
Grissom: We have to deal with that earring.
Catherine: We got to test it against Janine.
CUT TO:
[EXT. POOLSIDE -- DAY]
Janine Haywood: You want to swab me, go ahead but I can save you the-tip. That's really not my style.
Grissom: Ms. Haywood ... you have pierced ears.
Janine Haywood: Yeah. He doesn't understand. I don't wear studs. Haven't worn studs since, like ... god, seventh grade.
Catherine: Mm-hmm.
Janine Haywood: Can I see that picture? (she holds out her hand. GRISSOM hands her the photo.) Thanks. See? This is an earring back. It goes to a stud earring. I don't wear studs. I'm more of, like, a dangle gal. I like chandeliers. They move with you. They're on wires. They don't have a back.
Catherine: Are you finished? Open your mouth.
(CATHERINE takes the sample and JANINE hands the photo back to GRISSOM.) Don't bite down. Wouldn't want you to swallow it.
Grissom: How about your girlfriends or Tony's girlfriends -- any of them wear studs?
Janine Haywood: Look, rule number one: No women allowed in the house. Tony had a wandering eye, he had a wad of cash who needed that drama?
Catherine: What about the maid?
Janine Haywood: No. Rule number two: Heavyset, over 50, no makeup, no jewelry, no english.
Catherine: Wow. You got this whole thing down don't you?
Janine Haywood: Yeah. This is my house. I didn't do anything wrong. And I inherited Josie, and she cleans real good.
Grissom: How often does she vacuum?
Janine Haywood: Every day. Except on her day off.
Grissom: Hmm. The day Tony died.
Janine Haywood: Hmm.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GREG is standing in front of a machine processing the sample. GRISSOM and CATHERINE are standing one on each side of him waiting for the results.)
Grissom: Well, if the maid is as good as Janine says she is ... then ...
Catherine: The earring back was lost that day.
(The machines prints out the report.)
Greg: There. Well, maybe not. The earring back -- not Janine's. But it was in the ear of a female.
Catherine: So, I guess rule number one was broken. There was a woman in the house.
(GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He does have a look on his face. CATHERINE picks up on it.)
Catherine: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Grissom: Whoever's prints are on the duct tape is missing an earring back. Who's the only other woman in the story?
Catherine: She lives in Carson City.
Grissom: She's here now.
Catherine: She has access to Curt's truck.
Grissom: We saw the fight in the police department.
Catherine: "Hell hath no fury ... "
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY]
(BONNIE RITTEN puts the photo back on the table.)
Bonnie Ritten: It's not mine. I don't wear earrings.
Grissom: It's funny, just recently I had a little education in earrings and I noticed that you have pierced ears.
Bonnie Ritten: Yeah. So what?
Catherine: If you don't wear earrings for a while the holes will close up.
Brass: Will you volunteer us a DNA sample? It will confirm your story or confirm ours.
Bonnie Ritten: I'm not giving you anything.
Grissom: It's okay, Jim, we have enough.
Catherine: You should've let your husband rot in jail.
(CATHERINE pushes an evidence baggie containing the bail check toward BONNIE RITTEN.)
Catherine: We lifted your thumbprint from the check that you posted for his bail.
Grissom: We compared it to a set of unknown prints that we found on some duct tape at the crime scene.
Catherine: Just like a pair of earrings-- identical.
Brass: So you were at Tony's house the morning he died. Along with Walt Braun whose prints we confirmed on the doggy door.
[White flash to FLASHBACK clips of:
* WALT BRAUN opening the back yard gate. Flash to white.
* WALT BRAUN crawling in through the doggie door. Flash to white. He gets in and unlocks the front door to let BONNIE RITTEN inside. Flash to white.
* While doing drugs, TONY BRAUN is interrupted by BONNIE RITTEN and WALT BRAUN. Flash to white.]
[Present day sh*t of BONNIE RITTEN. Flash to white.]
[Resume FLASHBACK clip of:
* BONNIE holding the duct tape. WALT BRAUN subduing TONY. TONY struggling. BONNIE ripping off some duct tape. While TONY struggles, he hits BONNIE and her earring back flies off hitting the floor. Flash to white.
[Present day sh*t of BONNIE RITTEN and cut to GRISSOM. Flash to white.]
[Resume FLASHBACK clip of:
* TONY BRAUN'S hands being taped up while WALT BRAUN holds him down. Flash to white.
* WALT BRAUN forcing the wine down TONY'S throat while holding his nose shut to force his mouth to open. Flash to white.]
[End of Flashback sequence. Resume Present day. Camera on BONNIE RITTEN.]
Grissom: You know, sometimes, doing the job that we do our biggest break comes from the most innocent circumstance. It was the maid's day off, but not the Gardener's.
Curt Ritten: That's the thing about m*rder you never think to have a backup plan. The dogs lead the Gardener right to you ...
[Quick FLASHBACK showing BONNIE RITTEN and WALT BRAUN being interrupted while dogs bark and whine (o.s.). Flash to white. Back to present. Resume camera on BONNIE RITTEN.]
Grissom: So you had to wing it. The gardener came to the window ...
[FLASHBACK clip of the inside camera view of the gardener peering in through the window. BONNIE and WALT are back against the wall. BONNIE almost panics. Dogs can be heard off screen. Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume present.]
Grissom: ... but he didn't see you ... so you removed the tape from Tony's wrists ... and made it look like an OD.
Catherine: What I don't get is ... you and Walt Braun didn't move in the same circles. How'd the two of you hook up?
(BONNIE RITTEN doesn't respond.)
Brass: News flash, sweetheart: Can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.
CUT TO:
[INT. JAIL CELL]
Walt Braun: That's the thing about my father: He could never give advice but he had a million stories. "Scorpion and the Frog."
(WALT BRAUN is in a jail cell talking to BRASS and GRISSOM.)
Walt Braun: Scorpion needed to get across the creek and asked the frog for a ride. Frog says, "I can't trust you, you're a scorpion." Scorpion says, "sure you can." Hops on the frog's back. Midway across, the scorpion stings the frog. Frog looks at him. "Why would you do that? Now we're both gonna die." Scorpion says ... "I can't help it. I'm a scorpion."
Walt Braun: If Tony hadn't thrown a party ... the two of us would never have been standing at that bar.
<FLASHBACK>
(In the middle of the casino party, CURT RITTEN walks up to JANINE HAYWOOD.)
Curt Ritten: Hey, Janine, you're lookin' good.
(CUT TO: WALT BRAUN walks up to the bar where BONNIE RITTEN is nursing her drink. They watch as JANINE openly flirts with CURT. The two laughing and having a grand time.)
Walt Braun: You're looking at my brother's trophy?
Bonnie Ritten: No, my husband's bimbo.
(WALT introduces himself.)
Walt Braun: Walt Braun.
Bonnie Ritten: Bonnie Ritten.
(The two shake hands.)
</FLASHBACK>
Grissom: And an opportunity presented itself. Tony had erased you from the will and Bonnie wanted the people that hurt her to pay.
Brass: Ain't love grand?
CUT TO:
[INT. CASINO MAIN FLOOR -- NIGHT]
(SAM BRAUN and CATHERINE walk. His arm around her shoulders.)
Sam Braun: You know, this ... this could've all been his. His and Tony's.
Catherine: It's not your fault.
Sam Braun: Sure it is. I committed the cardinal sin. I loved one son more than the other.
Catherine: It's human nature. We can't deny our feelings.
Sam Braun: But you can hide it. And I didn't. They're my sons ... I made them, I raised them ... and one kills the other.
Catherine: Hey, Sam ... you still got me.
Sam Braun: You know, I should've married your mother.
Catherine: Well, considering I was six months old when you guys lit the flame ... a lot of time has passed. You had plenty of chances.
Sam Braun: Just wasn't in the cards, Catherine. It just wasn't in the cards.
(With an arm around her shoulders, the two walk off screen.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "02x01 - Burked"} | foreverdreaming |
[EXT. LAS VEGAS STOCK - NIGHT]
[INT. UNIVERSITY DORM - WOMEN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT]
MUSIC: (Hip-hop music) hey, baby, hey, baby, yeah, baby, yeah, baby hey, baby, hey, baby, yeah, baby, yeah, baby hey, baby, hey, baby,
(The camera follows a blonde-woman walking out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. She walks through the hallway where other students and regular traffic carry on without batting an eye in her direction.)
(She passes a bulletin board and a group of college guys in orange shirts. The camera turns and follows the guys back down the hallway where they stop and turn around. I guess they did notice the girl in the towel. They run off screen after her (or maybe toward something else they've seen).)
(A boy carrying a box of pizza passes the group and the camera follows him as he walks down the hallway with the pizza box in his hand.)
(The camera turns away from the pizza boy and lingers on a particular blue dorm room #410.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ROOM #410, PAIGE RYCOFF'S ROOM - NIGHT]
(The camera enters the room and passes by some suitcases in the middle of the room.)
Lyric: (dissolves into jazz blues) ... I'm so tired of playing / playing with this bow and arrow / going to keep my hideaway
(There is a blonde-haired woman standing by window. Her back is to us and she's staring at the rain as it pours outside.)
\[b\]Lyric\[\/b\]: ... leave it to the other girls to play ...
(She turns around to look back into the room at her suitcases. She's wearing a long-sleeved, dark-blue shirt with WLVU in bold yellow letters in the front. She goes to the bed and picks up her coat. As she puts it on, the phone rings.)
\[b\]Lyric\[\/b\]: ... for I've been a temptress too long / give me a reason, won't you? / give me a reason
(She answers the phone.)
Paige Rycoff: (on phone) Yeah? Hold the meter. I'll be right down.
(She hangs up the phone and moves to the window. She looks outside and sees the taxi cab waiting out front. The Taxi Cab Driver looks up and we see PAIGE RYCOFF standing in front of the window. She walks away from the window.)
WHITE FLASH CUT TO:
[INT. PAIGE-RYCOFF'S ROOM -- DAY.]
(CLOSE UP of plane ticket still in the side pocket of a purse. The camera moves up toward the window. It's day. We hear a police siren. From PAIGE RYCOFF'S room window, we see police cars and GRISSOM'S black SUV outside. GRISSOM meets up with BRASS on the walkway leading up to the dorm.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DORM - HALLWAY - DAY]
Brass: Paige Rycoff, freshman. Couldn't stand the heat, dropped out of school.
Grissom: Dropped out of sight.
Brass: Booked a one-way ticket home to boulder. Never got there. Four days M.I.A.
Grissom: Missing persons. First 24 hours are gold after that ...
Brass: ... quicksand.
(They arrive at the room.)
Brass: (to the officer outside the room) Hey.
(GRISSOM and BRASS enter the room. There are alot of officers inside. Standing and comparing notes and talking. This annoys GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Excuse me, but could everyone in this room do me a big favor ... and leave?
(Off of BRASS' look.)
Grissom: Please?
(BRASS nods his head.)
Brass: Thanks, fellas. Thanks, guys.
(After everyone leaves, GRISSOM puts his CSI Kit down.)
Brass: (to GRISSOM) You want me to go, too?
Grissom: If you're very still, you can stay.
(GRISSOM puts on a pair of latex gloves. BRASS crouches down low. A police siren sounds outside.)
Brass: She was definitely on her way out of here.
Grissom: Lamp's still on.
Brass: Yeah, but she didn't take her suitcase, her purse ... or the cab she called.
(BRASS stands up. GRISSOM reaches into the purse and pulls out the ticket.)
Grissom: It's like going to the vet without your dog.
[GRISSOM picks up the plane ticket from her purse. The ticket contains the following information:
PHONE MAIL ORDER MONUMENT AIRLINES RYCOFF, PAIGE LAS VEGAS, NV BOULDER CO NON-REFUNDABLE
Nos. at the bottom: 00953046010 | 3 005 211 54 ... ]
Brass: Maybe she had a change of plan. Or someone changed it for her.
Grissom: No sign of struggle. Everything's intact.
(A quick look into the purse shows a small hairbrush with lots of hair on it, her wallet and a notebook as well as other everyday things found in a purse.)
Grissom: Nothing out of place.
(GRISSOM walks past BRASS and heads out the door. The door closes behind him.)
(There's a knock on the door.)
Brass: (quietly) Come in.
(BRASS opens the door and GRISSOM enters the room again.)
Grissom: Door locks automatically and there were no keys in her purse.
Brass: Maybe they were in her pocket.
Grissom: If they were in her pocket she could've walked right back in. Why didn't she?
Brass: One moment Paige Rycoff is here the next ... vanished.
Grissom: People don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS:
[Captioning sponsored by CBS, CBS Productions and Alliance Atlantis Productions. Captioned by the Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN
[INT. DORM ENTRANCE -- DAY]
(The students use their cards to enter the dorm through a turnstyle. GRISSOM and WARRICK stand off to the side as they enter.)
Warrick: They got this multiplex system -- there's eyes all over the place. There's eight floors, and four cameras per floor.
(They both look up at the camera that monitors the co-eds coming into the dorm.)
Grissom: They have this system in place when you went to school here?
Warrick: With all the stuff me and my boys got away with, it's probably why they have them now.
Sara: Hey, scent dogs are on their way.
(SARA arrives at the dorm and is stopped at the entrance when she can't get through the turnstyle.)
Grissom: If you don't live in the dorm you can't get in.
Sara: What about getting out?
CUT TO:
[INT. DORM - HALLWAY - DAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway.)
Catherine: Four hundred students, twelve uniform officers, ten minutes per interview. P.D. Should be done by Tuesday.
Nick: Well, I'll take prints over people any day.
(GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK meet up with them at the next corner.)
Grissom: How about taking video? There's cameras on every floor; one of them must have seen something, please find it.
Nick: Okay.
(NICK leaves.)
Grissom: In this case, more is less-- the more time goes by the less chance we have of finding this girl.
Catherine: Four days? We'd be looking for a body already.
Warrick: Well, hide and seek. Let's go.
(WARRICK and CATHERINE leave. The video camera watches them go.)
CUT TO:
[INT. PAIGE RYCOFF'S ROOM - DAY]
(SARA pulls out a clip board while she updates GRISSOM on the status of the room.)
Sara: I talked to her R.A. Paige had put in a request to have all her mail forwarded, including her security deposit.
(GRISSOM stares at the wall. He notices something on the wall and takes a very close look at it. SARA watches as GRISSOM sticks his finger in it and ... tastes it.)
Grissom: Minty.
Sara: Toothpaste-- poor man's spackle. It's an old college trick-- covers up the holes when the posters come down.
Grissom: Ah. Leave the room the way you found it, get back your full deposit.
Sara: Five Hundred Dollars. That huge money at her age if you actually get it. That's a big college racket, like buying books back?
Grissom: Why would anyone want to sell their books?
Sara: Two beds. Roommate?
(GRISSOM looks at his clip board.)
Grissom: Jennifer Riggs. Left school two weeks into the semester Brass checked with the registrar.
(He puts his clip board back in his bag and from the low angle he's in, he notices something across the floor. He uses his flashlight to get a better view.)
Grissom: There's a void. Something was here.
Sara: Area rug? Could've been used to conceal a body on the way out.
Paula Francis: (o.s.) The disappearance of ...
CUT TO:
[INT. DORM LOUNGE -- CONTINUOUS]
Paula Francis (TV Anchorwoman): (V.O.) ... western Las Vegas university coed Paige Rycoff has police baffled. They're working on several leads. And though investigators are still piecing together ...
(The television set in the dormitory lounge is covering The Paige Rycoff story. There's a picture of Paige on screen and the words, "Breaking News" on the bottom left of the screen.)
(The camera pans over to view the hallway just in time to catch two police officers with two search dogs on leashes.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DORM - NEAR GARBAGE CHUTE]
Warrick: How's this strap right here, is this tight enough?
(WARRICK is assisting CATHERINE with her gear.)
Catherine: Uh, yeah, fine.
Warrick: How about this one? (He tugs on another strap.)
Catherine: Yeah, it's ... it's good, Warrick.
Warrick: Well, you know, you can get cadets to do this, Cath. I mean, they're used to obstacle courses.
Catherine: Yeah, well, on missing persons, we can't wait.
Warrick: Yeah, well, it looks like a k*ll-and-dump to me. I mean, the guy waited for the coast to clear door to door, it's only ten meters ...
(CATHERINE pulls open the garbage chute door and peers inside. There seems to be some distance to cover between the fourth floor that they're currently on to the ground floor below.)
(CATHERINE lets go of the handle and it snaps back shut.)
Catherine: Hmm, snappy little sucker. Somebody ought to fix that.
Warrick: Yeah? Well, all right, after we find Paige.
Catherine: Right.
(WARRICK opens the garbage chute door and assists CATHERINE as she get in it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CAMPUS SECURITY CAMERA CONTROL ROOM]
(Through the green-tinged video, we see CATHERINE disappear into the garbage chute completely. The camera pans back and we see that we're watching four monitors. There's a hand-written note between the bottom two monitors that reads: "Absolutely No Drinks next to the monitors. Thanks!")
Campus Security Tech: Okay, here we're looking at the fourth floor. It's real time.
Nick: Mm-hmm... I'm interested in any camera that covers Paige Rycoff's room.
Campus Security Tech: Oh, that's camera two. Here, I'll put it on the large monitor.
Nick: Now, go back four days, one hour window 8:00 to 9:00 P.M.
(The video on the monitor shows co-eds walking back and forth in the hallways.)
Nick: Fast forward.
(After several seconds, NICK sees something)
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa -- hold on.
(The video goes back and catches a hand covering the camera with something causing it to black out.)
Nick: How'd you miss that?
Campus Security Tech: Well, we don't catch every minute.
Nick: Go back 15 seconds, replay in slow-mo.
(The video definitely shows someone reaching up and blacking the camera out.)
Campus Security Tech: What is that?
Nick: Camera captures 13% more than we're seeing on this monitor. Picture condenses to fit the aspect ratio ...
Campus Security Tech: Pixel matrix, yeah.
Nick: Mm-hmm. Show me the under scan. Stop. (The video stops on the black spot.) Now go back five seconds before the lens was covered. (The video stops on a lighter view of the black spot just a frame or two before it gets really dark.) Freeze and magnify.
(The video freezes on a magnification of somebody's left hand up against the wall.)
Campus Security Tech: Hmm, somebody's hand.
Nick: Looks like he pushed off the wall ... tossed something on the lens. Prints over people. Thanks, man.
Campus Security Tech: Yeah.
CUT TO:
[INT. INSIDE THE TRASH CHUTE - DAY]
(CATHERINE is inside the garbage chute looking for any evidence of a body passing through it.)
Warrick: (over radio) Find anything interesting down there?
Catherine: Yeah, plenty, but not what we're looking for.
Warrick: How's the smell, good?
Catherine: Funky.
(On her way down, CATHERINE sees something on the wall.)
Catherine: Wait, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Warrick: (over radio) What you got?
Catherine: Looks like, uh ... (panting) Something or ... someone smashed up against this chute pretty hard.
Warrick: (over radio) What floor are you on?
Catherine: Uh ... between, um ... first and second, I think.
Warrick: Well, if the body was dumped it would've been moving pretty fast by then.
(CATHERINE touches the red substance and smells it.)
Catherine: Pizza. Keep going.
CUT TO:
[EXT. ALLEYWAY -- END OF CHUTE - INTO THE DUMPSTER -DAY]
(CATHERINE comes out of the chute feet first and lands in the dumpster.)
Catherine: Ah. Touchdown. Uh, chute's clear. Looks like trash is picked up every morning. We got nothing.
(CATHERINE looks over at the two frustrated search dogs at the entrance of the alleyway ... )
Catherine: Hey, Warrick, it looks like we're not the only ones chasing our tails.
CUT TO:
[INT. PAIGE RYCOFF'S ROOM - DAY]
(Wearing red-orange protective goggles, SARA darkens the room. Using a device that shines a blue light, SARA's looking for body fluids in PAIGE RYCOFF'S room. Every drop she finds on the bed is circled for collection.)
Lyric: Water falling down / a hundred meters colored by the sun / in day-glo colors always dragging me around / through beams of light blinded by the sun ... (music fades)
CUT TO:
[INT. CAMPUS SECURITY CAMERA CONTROL ROOM]
(From the monitors, we see NICK working near the video camera.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FOURTH FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY]
(NICK gathers the handprint off of the wall. That he even found it impresses SARA, who approaches him from behind.)
Sara: How did you know where to print?
Nick: Knew where to look. How about you?
Sara: DNA, blood and semen.
Nick: We sh**t, we score.
CUT TO:
(CAMERA CLOSE UP of GRISSOM. He's looking downward and has a thoughtful look on his face. Around him, we hear the muffled voice of a man and a woman who both sound upset. We can barely make out what they're saying. The more they speak, the clearer their words.)
Mrs. Rycoff: No one is telling us anything. It's been four days.
Mr. Rycoff: I mean, the police aren't talking to us.
Mrs. Rycoff: We have no information.
Mr. Rycoff: It's gotten crazy.
Mrs. Rycoff: I want to know how this could happen. (The voices are crystal clear and pierce through GRISSOM'S thoughts.) Mr. Grissom. What are you doing to find my daughter?
[INT. HALLWAY - DAY]
(GRISSOM looks up and sees MRS. and MR. RYCOFF. Both are anxious.)
Grissom: I'm thinking.
Mr. Rycoff: How many men are on this case?
Mrs. Rycoff: Have any leads?! Any?
Mr. Rycoff: Are you looking anywhere else?
Grissom: When we get any new information, I'll let you know.
Mrs. Rycoff: What can we do?
Grissom: Just let me do my job.
Mr. Rycoff: This is our daughter, we can't just be observers.
Mrs. Rycoff: No, we won't. We're part of this.
Grissom: Look. What no one's telling you is that the only tangible connection you have left between you and your daughter is the evidence that my team is collecting and how we interpret it. So, please ... let me think.
(MR. and MRS. RYCOFF leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - A/V LAB]
(GRISSOM is standing in front of the video monitor watching the video footage taken the night PAIGE RYCOFF went missing. CATHERINE walks in and stops next to him.)
Grissom: You showered.
Catherine: Thanks for noticing, Gil, you're very observant.
(He plays the video over again and steps up closer to the video screen till he's standing right in front of it.)
Grissom: Yeah? Well ... I can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?
Catherine: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.
Grissom: (turns around) Sorry.
Catherine: It looks like somebody carrying... something.
Grissom: Paige Rycoff was missing a rug from her room.
(NICK walks in holding up a file. He's enthusiastic.)
Nick: Hello. Got an ID off my print. I know who covered the cameras.
Grissom: Good. We know what he might've carried out.
CUT TO:
[INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY]
(A photograph of a hand print is placed on the table and pushed forward toward the man sitting there. The co-ed sitting in his orange "Omega Zeta Pi Pledge" T-shirt glances down at it.)
Henry McFadden: It's a hand.
Grissom: It's your hand.
Henry McFadden: Okay, if you say so.
Nick: Hey, your fingerprints say so.
(Quick Flashback shows HENRY McFADDEN putting his hand on the wall and boosting himself up to put a dark blue hand towel over the hallway camera. Flash to white. Resume Present.)
Henry McFadden: Okay. I'll cop to it. But I'm not copping to it alone.
(Quick Flashback shows four other guys in orange running down the hallway carrying furniture between them. Flash to white. Resume Present.)
Brass: Pledge prank. You boosted a carpet and a couch?
Henry McFadden: We borrowed-- we borrowed some stuff from the lounge but we were going to return it.
Brass: When? After you graduate? What else did you take, Henry?
Henry McFadden: Ohhh ... two lamps, coffee table, couple rolls of toilet paper. Look, I'll pay for it.
Nick: Why the fourth floor?
Henry McFadden: Uh ... the fourth, fifth, and seventh floor have the primo goods. Okay? Fourth floor's closer to the ground ... less stairs. Faster we can get out of the building and into the van faster we get out of there.
Grissom: Do you know Paige Rycoff?
(HENRY McFADDEN becomes less flippant and quite serious at GRISSOM'S question.)
(Quick Flashback shows PAIGE RYCOFF standing at the window and turning around. Flash to white.)
Henry McFadden: Yeah. Yeah, but I had nothing to do with ... with that or whatever happened to her.
Brass: But you do know her.
Henry McFadden: Well, yeah. You know, we live in the same dorm. We're in Economics 101 together, so what?
Nick: So what?
Henry McFadden: Paige and I dated once or twice. She wasn't my type. If you haven't noticed ... I'm in the system now. The talent pool's pretty deep.
Nick: She dumped you.
Grissom: Guy like you, it had to be a blow to your ego. Maybe you tried to change her mind.
Henry McFadden: All right, come on, listen. It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. Come on, Paige was seeing another guy. Someone who was "more mature" than I am.
Brass: You got a name on this other guy?
Henry McFadden: No. She never said.
Brass: You can go.
(HENRY McFADDEN stands to leave the room.)
Brass: But the stuff gets returned.
Henry McFadden: Yes, sir.
(He leaves the room.)
Nick: From hot to cold in a minute.
Grissom: This is the worst place you can be on a missing persons ... a d*ad end.
CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI LAB - DAY]
(The television set is on. PAIGE RYCOFF'S parents are on with the label "MR and MRS RYCOFF" in the lower left corner. The techs in the lab are watching the television coverage.)
Paula Francis: (on tv) The parents of western Las Vegas University freshman, Paige Rycoff. They join us now to discuss their daughter's disappearance. Mrs. Rycoff, did your daughter tell you why she was leaving school?
Mrs. Rycoff: (on tv) We're a close family, and Paige just felt she needed to be home ... with us.
Paula Francis: (on tv) But why leave mid semester?
Mrs. Rycoff: (on tv) I asked ...
Mr. Rycoff: (on tv) ... she was going to make a fresh start back in Boulder.
(Outside the Lab, through the glass window, GRISSOM also watches the television coverage. SARA appears beside him.)
Sara: I need you in the lab.
Grissom: You know, when a tree falls in the forest even if no one's there to hear it, it does, in fact, make a sound.
Sara: Yes. Somebody must have seen or heard something.
Grissom: What have we got?
(They leave together.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB]
(Spread out on the table are various items all belonging to PAIGE RYCOFF. From make-up to a tweezer, nail clipper, eye-lash curler ... it's all there.)
Greg: Well, this is one way to get her DNA. Bring me her whole life.
Sara: It's called zeal, Greg.
Greg: Or overkill.
Grissom: It's called protocol. Let's get on with it.
Greg: Okay, well, I, uh, got Paige's DNA from her toothbrush. I compared it to the blood and semen that Sara found on the mattress in her dorm room.
Sara: Blood's not hers.
Grissom: Not hers?
Sara: That's not all. Check out the tox screen.
(SARA hands GRISSOM the report. He pulls out his glasses and reads.)
Grissom: Rohypnol?
Sara: Date r*pe drug.
Grissom: What about the semen?
Greg: Well, the vaginal contribution to the semen stain is a match to the blood. Whose blood, don't know.
Sara: We may have two victims -- one missing, one r*ped.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - A/V LAB]
(On the screen, NICK and CATHERINE review video footage from cameras covering the parking lot on the night PAIGE disappeared.)
Nick: There's our boys about to move their "borrowed" furniture.
Catherine: Advance it to 8:27 P.M.
(NICK hits the remote and the video advances from 08:26 to 08:27 pm.)
Nick: Okay, I think the table's set. Cab double-parked.
Catherine: He calls up. Paige says that she'll be right down.
Nick: And he becomes the world's most patient cabbie.
Catherine: And just like he tells Brass ... he waits 15 minutes.
Nick: 13 minutes. 27 seconds According to the timecode. Close enough. (grabs his gear) Let's get back out in the field. Tech can finish up here.
Catherine: Hey, where's the f*re, bud? We're just getting started. These security cameras are the only witnesses we've got.
(NICK sighs. He puts his bag back down.)
Nick: I'll, uh, settle in.
Catherine: Good idea.
CUT TO:
[EXT. RESIDENTIAL SIDEWALK - DAY]
(GRISSOM, BRASS and SARA walk down the sidewalk in front of JENNIFER RIGGS' parents' home.)
Brass: Jennifer Riggs -- missing girl's roommate. She dropped out of school, too about a month and a half ago.
Sara: That dorm room is cursed.
Grissom: Is this her parents' house?
Brass: Yeah. Possible sexual as*ault so I thought I'd wait for the whole team.
Sara: You thought you should, uh, wait for a female.
CUT TO:
[INT. JENNIFER RIGGS' RESIDENCE - DAY]
Paula Francis (TV Anchorwoman): (v.o. over tv) A video sh*t during the first week of school Offers fresh insight into the 18-year-old's personality. We can see that Paige was an average, apparently happy and healthy freshman, looking forward to ...
(The camera starts on several photographs on the wall: one is JENNIFER RIGGS high school cap & gown graduation photo, another is of JENNIFER RIGGS with her parents. The camera skims over two other childhood photographs, both of JENNIFER RIGGS. The television set is on in the living room with a report about PAIGE RYCOFF on. The video shows a close-up of PAIGE RYCOFF swimming. The camera moves on to the living room where the interview with JENNIFER RIGGS is taking place.)
Jennifer Riggs: How did you guys even find out about me? I mean, I-I didn't report it. I just ... ran. And I left school. Nobody knew, not even Paige.
Sara: Jennifer, we found forensic evidence in your old dorm room. We believe you were sexually as*ault while under the influence of Rohypnol.
Jennifer Riggs: And now you guys think the guy that att*cked me had something to do with Paige's disappearance?
Sara: Two women. Same dorm room.
Grissom: We're looking for a connection.
Brass: Will you tell us his name?
(She takes a shaky breath. SARA notices her discomfort.)
Sara: Do you want to talk alone?
Jennifer Riggs: You don't understand. I can't remember. I never could remember.
Grissom: That's one of the side effects of rohypnol. I'm sure he was counting on that.
Jennifer Riggs: There was this party ...
(Quick Flashback of a man going through a door and shutting it behind him. He's carrying a body over his shoulder. Cut to: Shadow of a man taking off his shirt. Flash to white. JENNIFER RIGGS on the bed. She's awake but completely out of it while in the background, the shadow of a man taking off his pants. Cut to: The man in his boxer shorts standing over JENNIFER RIGGS on the bed. Flash to white. Resume to Present.)
Brass: Who was at this party?
Jennifer Riggs: It was a floor party. That's why I had to leave school. Somebody that I was living with att*cked me ... and I was never going to know who.
(SARA nods her head then glances back at GRISSOM. Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CO-ED DORM - ELEVATOR - DAY]
(The dorm elevator moves up the second, third and stops on the fourth floor. Inside the elevator, GRISSOM, WARRICK, and SARA waits for the elevator door to open.)
Sara: (o.s.) Why would a r*pist voluntarily give up his DNA?
Grissom: Officially, we're looking for the individual who abducted Paige Rycoff not the student who r*ped Jennifer Riggs.
[INT. CO-ED DORM - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(The elevator door opens and the three walk out.)
Warrick: Oh, so as long as the students participate voluntarily we can use their DNA as we e fit.
Sara: Ah, the old Bait and Switch.
Warrick: The ole' Smart and Legal.
Sara: Yeah, but what if someone refuses?
Grissom: That's what we're hoping for. De facto suspect.
(They round the corner where all the men living on the fourth floor are lined up against the wall. There are several officers there.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HALLWAY -SOME TIME LATER]
(The men are lined up and SARA is taking a swab sample of their DNA. WARRICK is behind her collecting the swabs as she finishes them. She finishes one and hands it to WARRICK then moves to the next co-ed.)
Sara: Open.
(The N.D. STUDENT clears his throat and doesn't.)
Sara: Are you refusing?
N.D. Student: I haven't brushed my teeth.
Warrick: Hey, mouth boy, she's not going to kiss you. She just wants your DNA, okay?
(The N.D. STUDENT opens his mouth and SARA takes the sample.)
CUT TO:
(A top angled, camera vide of the collection in the hallway.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY]
(CLOSE UP of a cotton swab tip being cut into a small plastic sample container (sorry, can't see what the writing on the container is). The container next to it already containing a swab sample is E05.)
(CUT TO: GREG fills the following containers: E15, E14, E13, E12, E11.)
(CUT TO: GREG put the completed rack with the samples into the machine. He shuts it closed and turns it on.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- GREG'S LAB]
(GRISSOM walks in. He's holding his pager.)
Grissom: Friederich Miescher requests my presence?
Greg: Figured out my code, huh? Well, you know, my boy Freddy discovered DNA.
Grissom: He's been d*ad a hundred years, Greg. What do you got?
Greg: Well, I ran the samples on COfiler(TM) and Profiler Plus (TM). Then I compared each specimen against the types obtained from the dried semen that you found on the victim's mattress ...
Grissom: Are we paying you by the word?
(GREG looks back at GRISSOM then silently gets the test results and puts them on the table for GRISSOM to look at.)
Grissom: Thirteen markers. Thirteen matches. One suspect. Thank you.
(GRISSOM turns to leave.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. BASEBALL PRACTICE FIELD - DAY]
(CLOSE UP of a baseball coming out of a pitching machine and the batter waiting for it, hitting it. GRISSOM and BRASS cross the path with their hands out to hold the next pitch. They're on their way somewhere accompanied by two officers.)
Brass: Kevin Watson, 19, room 407 just down the hall from our girls. Athletic director says he plays first base, bats right-handed.
Grissom: Any record?
Brass: Three "D"'s and a "C," nothing criminal. Number 25, just like McGwire.
Grissom: Yeah? I wonder how he hits.
CUT TO:
[EXT. BASEBALL PRACTICE FIELD - DUGOUT - DAY]
(GRISSOM and BRASS are questioning KEVIN WATSON.)
Grissom: Listen, Kevin, we know that you as*ault Jennifer Riggs.
Grissom: Why don't you just tell us about Paige Rycoff.
Kevin Watson: I don't know anything about Paige ... or Jennifer.
Grissom: Well, I'll tell you what I know. Jennifer Riggs was r*ped. We found semen on her mattress. We matched the seminal DNA to you.
Kevin Watson: Q-tip down my throat. Thought you were here trying to find out what happened to Paige.
Grissom: We are.
Brass: So what did happen, Kevin? You att*ck Paige, too? Hell, you been in her room before but unlike her roommate Paige fought back, is that it?
Kevin Watson: I never touched Paige. I wasn't even in town. Three ball games in Fresno. We got back yesterday. Check the roster. Ask coach.
Brass: No, I'll do that but in the meantime, you're coming with us. You're under arrest for the use of a controlled substance in the sexual as*ault on Jennifer Riggs. Get him out of here.
(The officers take KEVIN WATSON away from the dugout. GRISSOM has his hand up on the wall. He's not happy about the results of this interview.)
Brass: (to the officers) Wait for me. Wait for me in the car.
(GRISSOM turns as WARRICK joins the group.)
Grissom: Another d*ad end.
Warrick: Yeah, I know, I talked to the coach. Road trip.
Grissom: We're losing her.
(Camera holds on WARRICK and BRASS.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CSI - A/V ROOM]
(CATHERINE and NICK are still going thought the video footage of the parking lot the night PAIGE RYCOFF disappeared.)
Catherine: ... and there it is again.
Nick: You know, that car circled the block six times between... 8:20 and 8:40 P.M?
Catherine: All right, you loop around twice you're looking for a parking space. Six times ...
Nick: You're up to no good.
Catherine: Is that something hanging from the rearview mirror?
(NICK hits the rewind on the video.)
Catherine: Why don't you zoom in on that.
(NICK does his magic and get a close up of a Las Vegas University Parking Permit. They smile at the find.)
Nick: You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.
Catherine: Right. Why don't you meet up with university parking and cross-reference all silver Volvos.
Nick: Right.
Catherine: Oh, and Nick?
Nick: Yeah?
Catherine: When you find the car ...
Nick: I know -- check the trunk.
(NICK leaves.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. UNIVERSITY PARKING - DAY]
(CLOSE UP of a Las Vegas University Parking Permit #27356 hanging from the rear view mirror of a car. GRISSOM and CATHERINE approach the car. NICK is already there.)
Catherine: Silver Volvo. University I.D.
Grissom: A world of possibilities reduced to a single car?
Nick: Registered to Robert Woodbury, Philosophy Professor, tenured. Detail's almost got the latch.
(A technician jimmies open the trunk lock. The hatch pops open. GRISSOM and CATHERINE lean in to examine the trunk's contents. In the middle of the trunk, there's something covered with a black, white and gray pattered blanket. It's large enough to be a body. NICK removes the blanket and finds that it's a set of golf clubs.)
Grissom: Nick, tow it to CSI and process. Cath ...
Catherine: Office hours with the Professor.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: (V.O.) Yes ...
CUT TO:
[INT. PROF. WOODBURY'S OFFICE - DAY]
Prof. Robert Woodbury: ... I was near the dorm that night.
Catherine: Professor Woodbury, you circled the block six times.
Brass: Let's start with an easy question. Paige Rycoff was a student of yours.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Introduction to philosophy, yes.
(A light knock on the door just before a pretty student pops her head into the office. She's smiling.)
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Amanda ... uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow after class.
(The student leaves and the door closes.)
Willows: Cute. Let me guess-- "C" student?
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Not if I can help it.
(GRISSOM notices a piece of something on the floor near the couch and picks it up.)
Catherine: And what kind of student was Paige?
Prof. Robert Woodbury: She was a very bright, young woman.
Grissom: "Some circumstantial evidence is very strong as when you find a trout in the milk."
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Henry David Thoreau. But that's just broken pottery.
Grissom: My perception -- sign of struggle.
(This gets no response from PROF. WOODBURY.)
Grissom: Okay, look, it's been six days. If you have a legitimate reason for being outside of her dorm, tell us. If you have an illegitimate reason tell us that. Tell us something, so that we can move forward.
(PROF. WOODBURY looks uncomfortable. Still, he says nothing.)
Grissom: Again, my perception -- silence confirms guilt.
(CATHERINE and BRASS stand. They're getting ready to leave.)
Catherine: We found you. We will find what you're hiding.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: I'm married.
Catherine: Yep. The ring indicates that.
Brass: Your car's on the way to the crime lab. We're going to need to search your home.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: She was never in my car; she was never in my house.
Brass: Where has she been?
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Here. That's how the vase broke, because we were ...
Catherine: Physical.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Amorous.
Catherine: Oh, so you cared about her? But obviously not enough to come forward.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: And tell you what? That I cheat on my wife with my student who is missing and I have absolutely no information?
Grissom: If it was important enough for you to hide it's important enough for us to know.
Catherine: Any idea where she might be?
Prof. Robert Woodbury: No. I ... I went to the dorm. I-I did. I went to, I don't know, maybe to stop her maybe to say good-bye one last time but at the very least, I wanted to see her. But she never came down.
Brass: Let's take a ride in the black-and-white.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Can I meet you there? I-I'm not going anywhere. I just need a little time to explain all this to my wife.
Brass: No, I understand. I'll send an officer with you, just in case.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Thank you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- GARAGE -- DAY]
(NICK is taking photographs of the car's trunk. SARA is going through the contents of the golf bag that she has spread out on the floor near the car. They're processing PROF. WOODBURY'S car.)
(CUT TO: NICK inside the car. He finds some strands of light-colored hair caught under the passenger seat head rest. He picks it up and looks at it closely.)
FLASH TO WHITE:
(CLOSE UP of a single strand of hair being examined and compared with another strand of hair under a microscope. GREG is looking at the samples in his lab under a microscope. SARA is standing near him.)
[INT. CSI -- GREG'S LAB]
Greg: Medulla, cuticle and cortex are a visual match to the hairs I pulled from Paige Rycoff's brush. The roots have skin tags.
(NICK joins them and looks at the sample in the microscope.)
Nick: Means hairs were ripped at the root.
(Quick Flashback to: A hand pulling hard on PAIGE RYCOFF'S hair.)
Paige Rycoff: Ouch!
(Flash to white. CGI Close up of a hair at the root and it being pulled out. Flash to white. Resume Present.)
Sara: Too bad this doesn't get us any closer to finding Paige.
Nick: She was in his car. It gets us closer to our suspect.
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPT - INTERROGATION ROOM]
(Standing outside in the hallway is SHARON WOODBURY. The camera pans over (through the wall) into the interrogation room where PROF. ROBERT WOODBURY is being questioned by GRISSOM and BRASS.)
Brass: Let me remind you, you have the right to counsel.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: I don't need counsel. The only person I was hiding from was my wife. She knows everything now. So ask your questions.
Grissom: We found some of Paige's hair in your car.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Well, that's impossible because she's never been in my car. Are you sure it was hers?
Grissom: You mean, uh, will it stand up in court? Yes, it will.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Well, maybe it was on my sweater or something.
Grissom: Four strands of hair pulled out by the root, on the passenger's headrest.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: I don't know ...
Brass: How about this one? A phone call made from your house to Paige's dorm room the day she disappeared.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: I only use my cell phone when I call her -- not my office, not my home.
Brass: 12:16 P.M., Four minutes long.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Faculty lunch that day, 12:00 to 2:00, every department head. And it will stand up in court.
Grissom: Professor Woodbury, does your wife work?
Prof. Robert Woodbury: (reacts to the question) No.
(GRISSOM tilts his head for the PROFESSOR to answer the question.)
Prof. Robert Woodbury: (softer) No.
(Camera hold on BRASS.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPT HALLWAY]
(Everyone is standing out in the main hallway. BRASS is questioning SHARON WOODBURY while her husband and GRISSOM watch.)
Brass: So, are you home during the day?
Sharon Woodbury: Sometimes.
Brass: Were you home around twelve o'clock on the day that Paige Rycoff disappeared?
Sharon Woodbury: I don't remember.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: Sharon, someone called Paige from the house, and it wasn't me.
Brass: Mrs. Woodbury do you have the keys to your husband's car?
Sharon Woodbury: We share it. It's our car.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: How long have you known?
Sharon Woodbury: About this one or all the others? I knew that she was different. And I wasn't about to let some kid walk away with my marriage so I called her up, took her for a ride explained the facts of life to her-- wife, three kids, mortgage. She said it was over, she was going home. Didn't say why; I didn't ask.
Grissom: Mrs. Woodbury, I think you're leaving something out.
Prof. Robert Woodbury: They found Paige's hair in the car and they think ... did you att*ck her?
Sharon Woodbury: No. I wanted to. I almost did. She went to get out of the car.
(Quick Flashback to SHARON WOODBURY driving the car (with parking permit hanging from the rear view mirror). PAIGE RYCOFF is in the passenger seat.)
Sharon Woodbury: (to PAIGE) You are 18. What the hell do you know about love?
Paige Rycoff: I don't need to take this.
(PAIGE opens the door and moves to get out. Her hair gets caught in the headrest.)
Paige Rycoff: Ow!
(She leaves anyway. Flash to white. Resume Present.)
Sharon Woodbury: I stopped her. Apologized. We talked. And I dropped her off.
(A cell phone rings. GRISSOM reaches for it.)
Grissom: Excuse me.
Brass: Yeah.
Grissom: (to phone) Grissom.
(GRISSOM'S eye brows rise as he listens. He doesn't say anything.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. GARBAGE FACILITY -- NIGHT]
(A coroner's van passes the camera. GRISSOM with his CSI kit walks toward WARRICK who is waiting for him. There are police officers there and inaudible radio transmissions in the background.)
Grissom: So, is it her?
Warrick: I don't know. I just got here myself. Some homeless guy searching for hidden treasure finds a body. P.D.'S here on the scene. We got first looks.
(Both men duck under the yellow police tape that the officer holds up for them.)
Officer: Right there.
(The OFFICER holds out his flashlight making the beam of light h*t on the area that they want GRISSOM and WARRICK to check out. GRISSOM picks up his flashlight and holds it to the spot. The OFFICER leaves.)
(WARRICK and GRISSOM pass the blocks of garbage. They stop when they come upon the find. PAIGE RYCOFF'S face peeking through the mess. She's d*ad.)
(GRISSOM sighs. WARRICK nods his head.)
Warrick: (softly) Yeah.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY BAY]
(CLOSE UP of PAIGE RYCOFF on the M.E.'S table.)
Robbins: I've seen things like this before. When I worked in Arlington, Virginia, every winter homeless trying to stay warm take a nap in a dumpster wake up in a garbage compactor. Mulch.
Catherine: Warrick and I searched the trash chute at the dorm. It was clean. There was no reason to check the dumpster.
Grissom: So you're saying she was k*lled by the compactor. Crushed to death.
Robbins: No, she was crushed post-mortem.
Grissom: And you know this how?
(ROBBINS lifts up the cloth covering and shows a scrape of skin.)
Robbins: Tissue in the extremities was yellow and dry. Means blood wasn't pumping through her veins when she went through that compactor.
Catherine: So what did k*ll her?
Robbins: Massive internal bleeding. Her spleen ruptured.
Grissom: From what?
Robbins: Blunt-force trauma.
Catherine: Point of impact?
Robbins: Rib cage. Ribs weren't crushed.
(CGI Flash: Camera moves from above PAIGE RYCOFF focusing on her chest. It moves down to the cloth. CGI takes over and shows us how inside PAIGE, a cracked rib ruptures something. Blood squirts out of the rupture. We hear heartbeats. Flash to white. Resume Present. Camera on GRISSOM.)
Robbins: They sustained a single blow.
Grissom: Type of w*apon?
Robbins: I-I have no idea. I'm still trying to straighten her out. Truth? I may never know.
Catherine: Now what?
Grissom: Well, you followed the lead, it went cold. Now it's hot again.
CUT TO:
[EXT. ALLEYWAY AROUND DUMPSTER -- DAY]
(The entire team is working the scene. CATHERINE is near a tarp on the side of the road. NICK and GRISSOM are working on the dumpster exterior while WARRICK nd SARA are inside the dumpster.)
Warrick: I found some blood.
Sara: Yeah. Not much, but enough to work with.
Grissom: Okay. Photograph it, swab it. Let's get it back to the lab.
Catherine: If it's hers, maybe that's why the scent dogs lost their trail. The odor from the dumpster would've ... thrown them off.
Nick: Hey, I think I got something here. Check this out. The whole dumpster's b*at to hell. This one spot's fresh.
(GRISSOM looks at it closely through his magnifying glass.)
Grissom: Nick's right - the vehicle paint chips metal flecks in the color coat.
Catherine: There's some matching chips on the ground. (She collects it.)
Sara: Still, there's no reason to think there's a connection between the paint transfer and Paige.
Grissom: No reason to think there's not.
Nick: Possibly a h*t-and-run? Means the vehicle had a high ground clearance. Maybe an SUV?
Catherine: It would explain the blunt-force trauma. Point of impact was her abdomen.
(Quick Flashback to that night in the alleyway. A car is speeding through the alley and swerves around another car. Tires screeching. Flash to white. A figure walks out past the dumpster. The car swipes the dumpster with a thud and hits PAIGE RYCOFF head on. End of Flashback.)
Warrick: Driver tossed her in the dumpster to hide his crime.
Grissom: Or "her" crime.
Catherine: Mrs. Woodbury.
Grissom: She's still a viable suspect.
Catherine: But with a silver car.
Sara: She could have rented, borrowed it from a friend.
(NICK'S looking up the garbage chute.)
Nick: Still, why was Paige even down here?
Grissom: Look, let's stick to the "how" -- we'll deal with the "why" later.
CUT TO:
[INT CSI LAB]
Grissom: The car that impacted the dumpster was originally white then painted red, and now it's black.
(GRISSOM and NICK are looking at the results of the paint analysis from the sample taken from the garbage dumpster in the alleyway.)
Nick: There's two coats of primer between each paint job. Quality work -- probably a dealership.
Grissom: Every paint has a unique light absorption rate. We I.D. The paint, we get to the car.
Nick: Really?
(NICK hits the space bar on the computer and another screen pops up. It's the light absorption analysis that identifies the car and year.)
Nick: Cherokee, '89 or '90. Three paint jobs, all factory stock. Stone white, flame red and there's your midnight black there.
Grissom: Well, this narrows our scope. Call Brass.
Nick: Done. An hour ago.
CUT TO:
[CSI HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM walks out of the lab. He's on his way somewhere when he's met up with WARRICK.)
Warrick: Where you been?
Grissom: I can't be everywhere, Warrick and they banned human cloning.
Warrick: I just left Sanders. The blood from the dumpster matches Paige.
(GRISSOM turns around to WARRICK. NICK appears and catches them both.)
Nick: (to GRISSOM) Hey. Brass just called. He's down at P.D. Paint to car; car to driver. Suspect's down there -- he's looking for you.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPT. - INTERROGATION ROOM]
(GRISSOM makes his way through the hallway to the interrogation room where BRASS is with MARK DOYLE, the driver of the car that h*t the dumpster.)
Brass: Expectant father.
Mark Doyle: My wife's pregnant. Almost nine months. She beeped me. I was trying to get home. Couldn't believe the traffic.
Brass: (sighs) You always drive through campus?
Mark Doyle: We live on the other side of fraternity row. It's a straight sh*t from my office but I get to the freshman dorm, nothing's moving.
Brass: What time is this?
Mark Doyle: Around 8:30, I guess.
Brass: So you took a shortcut?
Mark Doyle: Yeah, I thought I was having a baby so I g*n it down the alley.
Grissom: Then what happened?
Mark Doyle: I veered to avoid the parked van. It was wet ... and I swiped the dumpster.
(Quick Flashback of MARK DOYLE driving his car. It's raining outside. There's a van on the side. The car tires screech and swerves to avoid the van and hits the dumpster on the other side. Flash to white. End of flashback.)
Mark Doyle: If I had h*t a car, I would've stopped. It ... it was just dumpster.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI GARAGE]
(CATHERINE is examining MARK DOYLE'S car with a magnifying glass. Behind her, GRISSOM holds the flashlight. Everyone's there.)
Catherine: Paint transfer's green, just like the dumpster.
Grissom: Doesn't mean he didn't also h*t a body.
Warrick: We have sprayed, U.V.'D -- no hair, no fibers, no blood anywhere.
Sara: It was a clean strike against the dumpster.
(NICK rolls out from under the car on a dolly. He sighs.)
Nick: Your guy didn't h*t Paige.
Catherine: And we've chased another lead to a d*ad end.
Sara: We still have Mrs. Woodbury.
Nick: Or her husband.
Warrick: Oh, we've got tons of motives. Not a stitch of evidence.
Grissom: H.L. Mencken once said, "There's an easy solution to every human problem -- neat, plausible ... and wrong." So if the solution to our problem is not neat, plausible and wrong; then it could be messy, unlikely and right. Right?
Grissom: A butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil we get a hurricane of the coast of Florida. Chaos theory.
Nick: Here we go.
Grissom: Random events; the wholesale rejection of linear thought.
Warrick: Physics meets philosophy.
Grissom: If we apply it to Paige Rycoff and our case at this particular moment in time then we can say, "Life is unpredictable."
Catherine: No one can predict more than a few seconds into the future.
Nick: I predict I'll still be standing here one minute from now.
Warrick: Where are we going with this?
Grissom: Paige was in her dorm room and then ended up in the dumpster. Somewhere between her dorm room and the dumpster is our answer. That's where we're going. Coming, Nick?
(Everyone leaves. Nick smiles as he's caught.)
Warrick: Nice try, Nostradamus.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. PAIGE RYCOFF'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT]
(CLOSE UP of GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Look out the window. What do you see?
(SARA'S standing near the window. She turns and looks out the window. The camera switches back to GRISSOM. Stop/motion time/lapse camera view moves from GRISSOM to the window where we see PAIGE RYCOFF turn around to look back at GRISSOM.)
Paige Rycoff: (SARA/PAIGE'S voice) Traffic. My cab is waiting for me.
Grissom: So what do you do next?
Paige Rycoff: Grab my suitcases ... get out of town.
(The suitcases appear in the room. PAIGE RYCOFF moves to pick up the suitcases.)
Grissom: Stop. Suitcases never left the room. You didn't take them with.
Paige Rycoff: I've been cleaning all day.
Grissom: Because you want your security deposit back.
Paige Rycoff: Yeah, I have to leave the room exactly like I found it. (sentence ends with SARA/PAIGE'S voice)
Grissom: So what's missing?
Sara: Two box springs, two mattresses two desks... two lamps, two chairs, two dressers.
(She thinks about it.)
Sara: Trash can?
(She looks for it.)
Sara: And it's missing.
Grissom: What's the last thing you do after you've done the cleaning?
Sara: Take out the trash.
CUT TO:
[INT. DORM - FOURTH FLOOR - HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM knocks on the door of room 412. A woman opens the door.)
Grissom: Hi. Could I borrow your trash can?
CUT TO:
[INT. HALLWAY JUST OUTSIDE PAIGE RYCOFF'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS]
(SARA opens the garbage chute door.)
Sara: Paige dumps the trash, goes back to her room. How does she end up in the dumpster?
Grissom: You're thinking too linear. Chaos Theory, remember? Just dump it.
Sara: Okay. (SARA almost drops the can down the chute. She manages to save it.) Whoa. Almost took my hand off.
Grissom: Maybe you were quicker than Paige was.
(GRISSOM sees a student nearby and calls out to him.)
Grissom: Excuse me. Could you do me a favor? We're doing a little experiment. Could you count to a hundred and then drop this can all the way down the chute? Thanks.
(He gives the trash can to the student. Then turns to leave.)
Grissom: Watch your fingers.
(They leave. The student looks around and moves toward the garbage chute. Camera holds on student.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. ALLEYWAY - DUMPSTER - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM and SARA enter the alleyway where WARRICK, CATHERINE and NICK are waiting. The trash can falls through the garbage chute with a loud clang.)
Catherine: What the hell is going on?
Grissom: There was a busted spring in the chute.
Warrick: Oh, yeah, I had to prop that open when Catherine rappelled down.
Catherine: Relevance?
Grissom: The trash can was missing from Paige's room.
Nick: You're thinking she accidentally dropped it down the chute. Then how did she end up in the dumpster?
Sara: She wanted her security deposit back.
Warrick: And there's no easy access here.
Catherine: Right, so ... she had to improvise.
(CATHERINE gets an idea.)
Catherine: (to NICK) Excuse me.
Nick: Oh. Please.
(NICK moves out of the way. CATHERINE positions herself between the dumpster and the wall that the dumpster is against.)
Catherine: This actually happened to me once before, with a set of keys. Eddie and I had this huge blowout. He threw my keys in the trash. All right, so Paige ... leans over reaches for the trash can.
Grissom: But just then, here comes Mark Doyle.
(Quick Flashback to top angle view of MARK DOYLE'S SUV g*n it down the alleyway toward the parked van. Cut to: PAIGE RYCOFF squeezing herself between the dumpster and the wall just as CATHERINE did.)
(Cut back to the back view of the car as it moves down the alleyway. Cut to PAIGE RYCOFF as she starts climbing up the dumpster. Her weight against the dumpster causes it to roll out from its position against the wall and into the alley.)
(Cut to: MARK DOYLE'S SUV swerving to avoid the van and swiping the rolling dumpster. It's impact sends the dumpster back against the wall with PAIGE RYCOFF caught between. She cries out in pain. Flash to white. It knocks her unconscious and she falls into the dumpster with a thud.)
FLASH TO WHITE:
[INT. GRISSOM'S OFFICE]
(GRISSOM has just explained what happened to PAIGE RYCOFF'S parents. MRS. RYCOFF sits there stunned. GRISSOM is sitting behind his desk. CATHERINE is standing behind him.)
Mr. Rycoff: Let me get this straight. You're saying a confluence of unrelated, unfortunate events conspired ... to k*ll my daughter.
Grissom: Yes.
Mrs. Rycoff: No, no, no. Somebody is responsible.
Grissom: Mrs. Rycoff there is no one guilty of this.
Mrs. Rycoff: Because you say so?
(MRS. RYCOFF stands.)
Grissom: Because the evidence says so.
(MR. RYCOFF stands.)
Mr. Rycoff: We'll hire an investigator, as many as necessary. Someone k*lled Paige and my wife and I won't rest until every question is answered.
(They leave the office.)
Grissom: We told them what happened.
Catherine: Yeah, but we didn't give them what they needed-- some closure.
Grissom: Truth brings closure.
Catherine: Not always.
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "02x02 - Chaos Theory"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - CONSTRUCTION OVERHEAD -- NIGHT]
CUT TO:
[EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- NIGHT]
(The site is active. Construction workers are busy. The camera starts about floor three then pans downward through the second floor and down to the first floor where a white truck with a worker wearing a white hard hat arrives on the premises. It stops by a man in a green hard hat, the supervisor.)
Construction Supervisor: You're late
Construction Worker (in truck): Thursday night. Traffic on the strip.
Construction Supervisor: Yeah. Every night. Traffic on the Strip. We're on a deadline, let's go.
(A yellow hard hat his the truck's windshield, cracking it. The CONSTRUCTION SUPERVISOR looks up. Following the hard hat is a body free falling the same path. Upon impact ... )
HARD CUT TO:
[EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT]
(CLOSE UP of the man on the ground in a pool of blood. GRISSOM walks up to the body and looks straight up.)
Grissom: Man versus Gravity.
(He looks down at the body and shakes his head.)
Grissom: Man lost.
Robert Harris: I think that was his point.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Hello, Bob.
Robert Harris: Hello, Brian.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Grissom, what are you doing here?
Grissom: What do you think?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: I didn't use the word "homicide."
Grissom: Dispatch called. The body's on county property.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: We're not looking at a crime here. Bob explained it to me on the phone. His guy was alone up there. He jumped. It was su1c1de.
Grissom: Then why are you here, Sheriff?
Robert Harris: Look. Roger Valenti was an unhappy guy. Money problems. Family problems. He took the easy way out.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: It's a tragedy, but it's not a crime.
Grissom: su1c1de, huh? I don't know, Brian. On the day you decide to end your life, why would you go to work?
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -ELEVATOR - NIGHT]
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Fourteen hundred new beds means 1,400 criminals off the street. That old jail's maxed. Prisoner population's increased by ten percent in one year. If this place isn't built soon, you do the math
Grissom: You look like the Sheriff, but you talk like the Mayor. Mr. Harris, you get an extra bonus for early completion?
Robert Harris: Twenty grand a day. I'm ten days ahead.
Grissom: Wow, $200,000. You must work your guys pretty hard, huh?
(The elevator stops and everyone gets off.)
[INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - 12TH FLOOR - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
Grissom: Where exactly was Valenti's work station?
Robert Harris: He had the whole floor to himself. Valenti was usually my first guy up. He would drill the holes for the safety cables. No one walks a new slab until the cables are looped around the perimeter.
(Quick Flashback showing Valenti drilling in the holes for the cables. Flash to white. Resume to present.)
Grissom: Terminal velocity's 9.8 meters per second, squared. He would've h*t the ground at under five seconds.
(A Siren wails in the background.)
(GRISSOM, wearing a white visitor's hard hat, walks to the edge of the floor. He puts his kit down and kneels on the ground to look over the edge.)
(FLASH POV: As he peers over the edge, the figure of VALENTI'S body falls past him and straight down to the impact point on the ground beneath them. End of Flash. Resume to present.)
(GRISSOM looks around and notices the drill hanging off the side of the floor. He pulls it up.)
Grissom: Did this belong to Mr. Valenti
Robert Harris: Well, like I said he was the only one up here.
(GRISSOM examines the drill and notices that the metal housing is charred.)
Grissom: This drill is shorted out. Do you think he "jumped" before or after he got the shock of his life?
Robert Harris: GFCI would have prevented shock.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: What is GFCI?
Robert Harris: The Ground Fault Circuit Interrupter.
Grissom: Big words meaning you won't get electrocuted.
(GRISSOM grabs his kit and notices the outlet. He moves to examine the plug and notices that the third prong of the plug is cut in half.)
Robert Harris: You see, if there's and electrical imbalance the GFCI trips the circuit and the tools are suppose to shut itself off.
Grissom: But if the third prong of the plug is compromised, the interrupter won't work. Will it, Bob?
Robert Harris: The third prong grounds the drill. Without it, the interrupter's useless.
Grissom: These prongs don't usually snap off by themselves.
(GRISSOM looks around and sees a pair of metal cutters on the floor nearby.)
Grissom: Are all your workers this careless with their tools?
(He reaches into his CSI kit and pulls out pexi-glass, portable evidence box and begins to set up a chamber to super-glue the prints into the handle of the tool.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: You mind telling me what you're doing?
Grissom: These cutters may have been used to tamper with the grounding prong.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: What happened to good old-fashioned dusting for prints?
Grissom: When your crime scene is twelve stories up ... I don't want to take any chances. I'm going to lock in these prints.
(The gas heats up and fills the containers. Fingerprints appear on the tool's handle.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DR. LEIGH SAPIEN'S RESIDENCE - DAY]
(CATHERINE and NICK walk up to the house. They're met by DETECTIVE O'RILEY.)
Catherine: Hey, O'Riley, we got the 419.
O'Riley: Dylan Buckley-- 14 years old.
(They enter the house where the boy's body is on the floor.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Paramedics pronounced. Coroner's on his way.
Nick: Was he home alone?
Sgt. O'Riley: Not alone. And not his home. (From behind him, a woman dressed in white approaches.) Catherine Willows, Nick Stokes, crime lab. Dr. Leigh Sapien. This is her residence.
Catherine: Well, good. Then you can fill us in.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: We were in the middle of a session.
Catherine: You're a Therapist.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Psychiatrist.
Catherine: And why were you seeing Dylan?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Doctor-Patient privilege.
Nick: Privilege doesn't extend post-mortem.
Catherine: We can always get a warrant to get your records.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: No need. Dylan suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder. He was with his mother and I've been treating him for sixteen months.
Catherine: Ten o'clock at night. You use your home?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: I see my patients whenever they need me. On weekends, at night. At the office or here ...
Nick: (interrupting) Why don't you ... just tell us what happened.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Dylan had an argument with his mother. He needed to unload.
(Quick Flashback during v.o. showing DYLAN BUCKLEY sitting on the couch across from DR. LEIGH SAPIEN talking to her. White Flash to DYLAN BUCKLEY convulsing on the couch and falling to the floor. DR. LEIGH SAPIEN trying to hold his head still. DYLAN BUCKLEY hitting his head multiple times on the floor while seizing.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: He was complaining about his curfew blaming his mother for problems at school. Suddenly, he began to convulse. I tried to s*ab his head. I thought it was grand mal seizure. Dylan was an epileptic. He h*t his head. And when the convulsions stopped he was d*ad.
Catherine: Did you try to revive him.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Of course, standard CPR. Cleared his airway, worked his chest.
(NICK sees something on DR. LEIGH SAPIEN'S white sweater.)
Nick: I take it this wasn't his first convulsion.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: He was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 3.
(NICK slowly approaches DR. LEIGH SAPIEN in a manner that startles her.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: What are you doing?
Nick: Catherine, we need to get a tape-lift here, please.
(CATHERINE conducts the tape-lift and NICK moves behind DR. SAPIEN looking for anything else they may need.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Look, I dialed 9-1-1. I'm not hiding anything.
Catherine: I can see that.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY BAY]
(GRISSOM enters the morgue. ROBBINS is there to brief him over the body.)
Robbins: Quick. Name three human bones that can stand a twelve story drop.
Grissom: Bones of the inner ear: Malleus, Incus, Stapes. High cellular density, completely protected by the skull. Why?
Robbins: They appear to be the only bones not fractured or broken.
Grissom: I want to see the entry and exit wounds.
Robbins: Gil, he wasn't sh*t. This is the guy that fell of the new jailhouse. Are we talking about the same case here?
Grissom: He fell after he was electrocuted.
Robbins: News to me. I didn't find any physical evidence of electrocution.
Grissom: Faulty drill. There should be burn marks on one of his palms.
(Flash CGI POV of the current deceased's right hand (without burn marks) morphing to a hand with burn marks as an electric sizzle moves from the palm up the deceased's arm. The electric sizzle moves back down the deceased's arm toward the palm leaving the current unmarked skin behind. End of Flash.)
Robbins: Negative on the burn marks. In most electrocution cases, capillaries rupture, hemoglobin leaks into the perivascular tissue.
Grissom: Right. creating a fern-like pattern on the chest.
(Flash CGI POV of the current deceased's unmarked chest. An electric sizzle moves from the deceased's lower right side up and across the chest leaving the pattern behind. The electric sizzle moves back down the deceased's chest leaving the current unmarked skin behind. Flash to white and back to the present.)
Robbins: His body contradicts your crime scene.
Grissom: I don't care what the body says, this guy was electrocuted. It was not an accident.
FLASH TO WHITE:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - NIGHT]
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- TRACE LAB]
(GRISSOM is working on the drill, trying to get the outside casing off so that he can look at its insides. On the same table some distance away, SARA is staring at the pair of boots from the deceased. She stares at them some more. She looks up. She sighs.)
Grissom: What?
Sara: I don't know what I'm looking for.
Grissom: Signs of charring or melting. You've done this before.
Sara: Yeah. But we always go back to the body. The body tells a story and in this case, the body says there was no crime and you're not listening. Why?
Grissom: Every now and then, we have to break the rules. Start with a conclusion and work our way backwards.
Sara: Like, for instance, when we don't agree with the coroner's report?
Grissom: Like, for instance ... in the 1800s, when surgery was Russian roulette and patients were dying on the tables.
Sara: Germs.
Grissom: Until Louis Pasteur theorized that something we could not see, microscopic organisms were attacking the patients.
Sara: Relevance ...
Grissom: Bodies tell a story because we interpret them the way our predecessors taught us to. Just because we don't see something we're supposed to see doesn't mean that it's not there.
(SARA goes back to work on the boots. GRISSOM gets the drill open and starts digging through it. He immediately notices that someone crossed the hot wire with the neutral wire.)
Grissom: Wires were crossed. (This gets SARA's attention.) Polarity's been reversed. This confirms that someone tampered with Valenti's drill.
Sara: The rubber soles of his boots should have protected him from the electrical shock. That is why you're safe when you're in a car during a lightening storm. You're insulated by the rubber tires.
(SARA picks up the boots and holds it up. From GRISSOM'S POV, he can see the bottom of the shoes. He also sees something else on the bottom of the right boot.)
Grissom: Rubber's an insulator, but metal's a conductor. What form of metal hides in plain view at a construction site?
(Flash POV close up to the nail in the bottom of the boot.)
Sara: A nail.
(SARA and GRISSOM smile at the find.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB]
(CLOSE UP of computer screen as the palm print on the left is compared to the palm print on the right. SARA enters the lab. WARRICK is seated at the computer. He's running the print through the database.)
Sara: Hey.
Warrick: Hey.
Sara: How's that palm print Grissom got off those cutters?
Warrick: Good. I'm running it through AFIS right now. The good thing is that the jailhouse is a union gig and all the union guys are already in the database. What I did for the print was I lined up a ridge detail from the partial that I found on each handle.
Sara: Nice.
(WARRICK sighs.)
Warrick: So ... you think that guy fried before he fell?
Sara: I don't know. We found a nail in his boot. It could have pierced the protective rubber. It might have allowed electricity to course through his body.
Warrick: Bobby Dawson's taking odds. Two to one, Grissom's wrong. Five to one, he gets suspended for shutting down that jailhouse. And ten to one ...
Sara: Fired?
(Computer beeps. WARRICK manually lines up the two palm prints. The computer screen reads:
"FILE HR_145406 AT6501(?)" in green with the words: "MATCH FOUND" (blinking in red)
(The Union ID Card of the person identified pops up on screen along with a picture with the following information. It belongs to ROBERT HARRIS, night-shift project manager for the new Clark County Jailhouse.)
[UNION IDENTIFICATION
(Name) ROBERT HARRIS
(Union ID) ELE2908-3492-0982-EEC
(Soc. Sec #:) 1291-555-3528
(Classification:) Class 4F
(Sex) M
(Endorse) M
(Insured) 12-1990]
Grissom: (V.O.) Sounds like you got a match.
(WARRICK and SARA are both surprised to see GRISSOM leaning against the open door. Neither one knew he was standing there. Both wondering ... )
Warrick: Hey, Griss. How long you been standing there?
Sara: (interrupting) Yeah, yeah, we do. The, um ... it's a former union guy turned night shift project manager.
Warrick: Robert Harris. Does that name mean anything?
Grissom: Yeah. Especially if you bet against me.
(GRISSOM walks away leaving SARA and WARRICK wondering just how much he heard.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. POLICE DEPTARTMENT - MAIN HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM is talking with ROBERT HARRIS. SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY is also there.)
Robert Harris: My prints are on the metal cutters because my prints are all over everything at the site. I'm the project manager.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: There's no mystery here.
Grissom: You're the project manager but you don't actually use all the tools, right?
Robert Harris: I'm vigilant about safety. I'm always inspecting the equipment, tools ...
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, this is what's going to happen here. The construction site is going to reopen and the investigation goes away.
Grissom: Sure. After the lab processes all the evidence.
(Behind the group, through the glass wall, BRASS is standing there. He taps on the window to get GRISSOM'S attention.)
Grissom: Excuse me.
(GRISSOM and BRASS talk out in the hallway.)
Brass: For the record, I don't like being put in the middle.
Grissom: Who does?
Brass: I did a little homework on the guy who took a nosedive after he was electrocuted. Three days ago, he was voted union rep. Demanded more overtime pay, pressed for a walkout.
Grissom: Motive?
Brass: Right. (he turns to leave, then stops.) Well, in case you're interested Bob Harris was the sheriff's best man.
(GRISSOM turns to go back to meet with ROBERT HARRIS and THE SHERIFF.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, what was that about?
Grissom: Ah, we're in a bowling league together.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Can we wrap this up?
Grissom: Sure. Someone tampered with Roger Valenti's drill. And I have only one suspect. (He looks at ROBERT HARRIS.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: I read the coroner's prelim. There is nothing in it about electrocution.
Grissom: That's why they call it a prelim. Mr. Harris, were you opposed to Roger Valenti's union activities?
Robert Harris: Of course not. I'm a union man myself.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: You're fishing, Gil. We're done here. Moving on.
(Both THE SHERIFF and ROBERT HARRIS leave GRISSOM standing there with a grim look on his face.)
CUT TO:
SCENE 09:
[INT. CSI LAB]
(NICK opens the package of evidence. He pulls out DYLAN BUCKLEY'S clothes and begins examining it. One shirt, one pants and one pair of boxers. He examines the shirt and the pants. He finds nothing. Then he sees it. The tan-colored fibers on the white boxer shorts. He collects it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM B-28]
(ROBBINS is walking MRS. BUCKLEY out of the room.)
Robbins: Mrs. Buckley, do you have someone to drive you home? (she doesn't answer him) Mrs. Buckley?
Mrs. Buckley: Yes?
Robbins: Do you have someone to drive you home?
Mrs. Buckley: No, uh, thank you. I'll be all right.
[INT. CSI HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(MRS. BUCKLEY slowly makes her way out into the hallway. NICK is on his way to see DOC ROBBINS and sees her.)
Nick: Mrs. Buckley? I'm Nick Stokes. I'm from the crime lab. I've been assigned to your son's case.
Mrs. Buckley: Crime lab?
Nick: It's protocol.
Mrs. Buckley: We were just having pizza together. He seemed fine. And I dropped him off at Dr. Sapien's and ... my husband passed away three years ago and now my ...
(She's distraught and can't continue.)
Mrs. Buckley: (whispers) ... my baby's gone.
Nick: (quietly) I understand.
Mrs. Buckley: If you'll excuse me, I need to go make arrangements.
Nick: Sure.
(She walks past him. Without turning around, he says ... )
Nick: I'm sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Buckley: Thank you.
(She walks off screen. Camera holds on NICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM -- CONTINUOUS]
(NICK enters the room. ROBBINS is standing over the body.)
Robbins: My youngest just turned 14. Tough age.
Nick: Cause of death?
Robbins: Cranial-cerebral injuries. Comminuted fractures of the occipital bone.
(FLASHBACK CGI POV: Camera starts above DYLAN BUCKLEY'S head and falls forward through his forehead, though the muscle and down to the skull where it cracks. Flash to white. Resume present.)
Nick: Injuries consistent with a grand mal seizure?
Robbins: First blush? Yes. Waiting on toxicology. In the meantime, check out his torso.
Nick: He's covered in bruises. Possibly from being thrashed during the seizure?
Robbins: Possibly.
Nick: I found tan fibers on his boxers.
Robbins: You, too, huh? His body's covered in them.
Nick: Fibers on his body and his underwear but not on his shirt and pants, why?
Robbins: Well, maybe it was as simple as he wasn't wearing his shirt and pants.
Nick: Okay, then at some point he was with his Shrink in his underwear.
Robbins: Exactly what kind of therapy was this?
(Camera hold on NICK.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. PARKING LOT OUTSIDE LVPD - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM parks his car in front of the LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT. He gets out and makes his way to the building entrance. He's stopped on the sidewalk. From behind him, a hand grabs him by the shoulder.)
Ian Wolf: Gil Grissom?
Grissom: Yes.
Ian Wolf: I have information about Roger Valenti.
Grissom: Call Jim Brass at homicide.
(GRISSOM turns around to leave. The man stops him again.)
Ian Wolf: I was the union rep before Roger. The walkout was my idea. Bob Harris thr*at me and my family. I wouldn't betray the union so I gave up my position at the local. Roger picked up where I left off.
Grissom: Why are you telling me this?
Ian Wolf: Because it could have been me.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB]
Greg: Cheese. Milk. Sweaters. What do these things have in common?
Catherine: Goat cheese, goat milk.
Nick: Goat ... sweaters?
Catherine: Angora.
Greg: Ding, ding, ding. Fibers from the lady shrink, fibers from the boy. Both are angora.
(GREG hands CATHERINE an opened book.)
Nick: Angora is processed goat hair?
Greg: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: Sheered, washed, spun and dyed. Angora's 100% goat. You didn't know that, Nick?
(CATHERINE hands the book to NICK and leaves.)
Nick: Must be a chick thing.
(GREG laughs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(ROBBINS is closing up for the night. GRISSOM rounds the corner just in time to catch him.)
Grissom: I need to see the body again.
Robbins: No can do. Released six hours ago.
Grissom: Final report?
Robbins: Another 24, but there's nothing in there to support Valenti was electrocuted.
Grissom: Doc, please?
Robbins: You want to look at my notes?
(ROBBINS turns around to go back inside.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(ROBBINS opens the case file folder that contains his notes. GRISSOM is sitting on the seat next to him.)
Grissom: So, what have you got? I mean, anything unusual, even the mundane.
Robbins: His troponin enzymes are elevated.
Grissom: Troponin levels become elevated following ventricular fibrillation which could be caused by electrocution, right?
Robbins: Sure, but troponin's found in all victims of cardiac arrest, most of whom have not been zapped.
Grissom: Work with me, will you?
Robbins: Uh, vic also had an elevated concentration of iron in his blood -- six, seven times normal.
Grissom: Life-thr*at?
Robbins: No.
Grissom: What else?
Robbins: Well, it fits the bill of "mundane." His skin looked jaundiced.
Grissom: Postmortem deoxygenation.
Robbins: d*ad or alive, your vic's epidermis is yellow.
Grissom: Tell me about his testicles.
Robbins: (surprised) What? ... Okay, I'm working with you. Uh, I don't remember. I mean, genetics can be fascinating -- and there are things I take note of -- but I didn't focus on his genitals.
Grissom: Thanks, doc.
Robbins: You're welcome.
(GRISSOM leaves.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
(GRISSOM walks into the lounge and sees SARA and WARRICK. GRISSOM looks a little annoyed.)
Grissom: What're you guys doing?
Sara: Waiting for an assignment. You got a new case for us?
Grissom: A new case?
Warrick: Well, we heard the sheriff put the brakes on the investigation.
Grissom: You didn't hear that from me, did you?
(GREG takes the hint, gathers his things up and stands up to leave.)
Greg: I think I smell something burning in the DNA lab. Love to stay and chat, but ...
(He almost makes it to the door when ... )
Grissom: Greg ... I hope that's not the crossword puzzle.
(GREG stops, turns around and silently hands the folded origami crane to GRISSOM and leaves. Yep, it looks like the used the crossword puzzle as paper.)
Grissom: What about the nail that we pulled out of Valenti's boot? Dusted?
Sara: No, because ...
Grissom: (interrupting) Process the nail, please. And if you get a print ...
(SARA stands and heads out the door.)
Sara: I'll compared it to Bob Harris' ten card. Anything else?
Grissom: Yes. Metal cutters. I need you to prove or disprove whether they were used to sever the drill's grounding prong.
Sara: Okay.
(SARA leaves. GRISSOM turns to WARRICK.)
Grissom: And you're with me.
(WARRICK stands up to follow GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) -- NIGHT]
[INT. FUNERAL PARLOR]
(WARRICK and GRISSOM enter the funeral parlor. It looks like a very classy place. Vivaldi's Four Seasons is playing rather loudly in the background. They walk to the back where we find MR. RANDY GESEK, Funeral Director, air conducting enthusiastically to the music.)
Grissom: Mr. Gesek!
(RANDY GESEK turns around, slightly embarrassed.)
Grissom: You're conducting ...
(He turns the tape recorder near by off. He's out of breath.)
Randy Gesek: I didn't hear you come in.
Grissom: ... Vivaldi, Four Seasons.
Randy Gesek: Vivaldi ... Valenti. Both Italians. It's like being in Venice. Why are you here? Do I need a lawyer?
Grissom: Have you prepped him yet?
Randy Gesek: I was just about to commence draining when I got distracted.
Grissom: Yeah, I know, Venice. I need to see his testicles.
Randy Gesek: I always thought there was something weird about you.
(GRISSOM approaches the body, getting ready to lift the sheet up when GESEK stops him.)
Randy Gesek: Excuse me. You can't just come in here and look at my guy's goods. If I let you see them I have to let everybody see them. But ... perhaps we can work something out.
Warrick: What? Do you want us to pay to see them?
Randy Gesek: That's a good idea, but no. I'm starting a new business. Crime scene cleanup. I'm going to want some referrals.
Grissom: I'll put you on the list.
(GRISSOM puts on the latex gloves and lifts up the sheets to look at MR. VALENTI.)
Grissom: Testicular atrophy. They're the size of peas.
Randy Gesek: Poor guy.
Warrick: Yeah, that's rough. And the significance of this evidence?
Grissom: Hemochromatosis. Valenti had elevated levels of iron in his blood. Yellow pallor, shrunken testicles ... I think he's been ingesting trace amounts of iron over a long period of time.
Randy Gesek: Why'd he eat iron?
Warrick: Trace amounts are odorless, tasteless.
Randy Gesek: He probably didn't even know. You're saying he was poisoned?
Grissom: No. Iron molecules take a long time to build up. Could have been his diet repeated blood transfusions, excessive smoking possibly hereditary abnormalities.
Warrick: So, where does this get us?
Grissom: One step closer. Mr. Gesek? Stick a syringe in his carotid all the way to his clavicle.
Warrick: You want his blood?
Grissom: One pint, to go.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(WARRICK is walking through the hallway when he meets up with SARA.)
Sara: Warrick.
Warrick: Hey.
Sara: I got a thumbprint off that nail.
Warrick: Cool.
Sara: Only a partial. Print lab's running a comparison.
Warrick: Whatever happened with those metal cutters?
Sara: Serrations didn't match up. They weren't used on the grounding prong. What's in the envelope?
Warrick: Roger Valenti's blood. Grissom wants it packaged in plastic. I don't know. Don't ask.
Sara: You want lunch?
Warrick: Later.
(WARRICK walks away.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HOT DOG STAND]
(NICK has his hot dog and is putting stuff on it.)
Nick: Hey, Catherine.
Catherine: Yeah?
Nick: You ever been in therapy?
Catherine: Who hasn't? Didn't save my marriage.
Nick: And you were okay sharing your problems with a complete stranger?
Catherine: Rather I tell them to you?
(SGT. O'RILEY parks his car across the street and gets out.)
Sgt. O'Riley: Somebody order a warrant?
Nick: Yeah.
Sgt. O'Riley: Mustard and relish. Hold the onions.
Nick: I hope it's a general.
Sgt. O'Riley: Epilepsy. Eyewitness physician dials 9-1-1. Coroner's not making any noise. You're lucky to get a limited.
Nick: What do you mean, we're lucky? We've got fibers on a 14-year-old kid and the shrink's clothing.
Sgt. O'Riley: Which would have got you nothing. But I did a background check on the good doctor. While back, she had her license suspended. Sex with a patient. Teen's parents filed a complaint with the A.P.A.
Nick: Sex with a minor. Suspension's a joke. Should have lost her license, minimum.
Catherine: Yeah, well, this time, maybe she will.
CUT TO:
[INT CSI LAB]
(GRISSOM is busy stripping and rigging the electrical wires on a lamp. He twists in the light bulb. WARRICK walks in with the envelope.)
Warrick: Hey, Gris. Valenti's blood. Packaged, ready to go.
Grissom: Thank you.
Warrick: You want to fill me in here? I mean, this wasn't covered in any science class I took.
Grissom: Well, iron is a conductive mineral. I want to know if there was enough iron in Valenti's blood to conduct electricity.
Warrick: That's far out.
Grissom: Yeah, well ... we'll see. Plug in the blood.
(GRISSOM finishes putting the wires in the blood and hands the plug to WARRICK. Oh, yeah. The light goes on. GRISSOM looks extremely pleased.)
CUT TO:
[INT. DR. SAPIEN'S RESIDENCE - DAY]
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Angora fibers? What does that have to do with anything?
(NICK is looking for something on the floor.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Excuse me. I don't appreciate being treated like a suspect.
Nick: Then maybe you should wait outside.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Do you consider me a suspect? Because that's how I'm feeling.
(NICK doesn't respond.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Fine. Don't answer me. It's your choice.
Nick: That's the funny thing about choices. Once you make them you have to live with them.
(He shakes his head.)
Nick: Dylan Buckley was just a boy. He trusted you and you abused that trust.
(CATHERINE appears holding a folded tan-colored blanket wrapped in plastic.)
Catherine: Linen closet, top shelf.
Nick: Was that blanket here ... on the floor?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Were you and Dylan under it?
(FLASHBACK POV of DYLAN BUCKLEY sitting on the couch. DR. SAPIEN sits next to him and starts to kiss and caress him. NICK is in the background watching. DYLAN BUCKLEY resists. DR. SAPIEN restrains him. Both are on the floor on the tan-colored blanket. Flash to white.)
Nick: He was a 14-year-old kid. What's the matter with you?
Catherine: He resisted; you persisted. Then what?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Look, I don't know the basis of your allegations but I have never crossed the line with a patient.
Nick: That's not what your rap sheet says.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: "Rap sheet"?
Catherine: Sex with an underage patient.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: I was a resident. He was 17. We were in ... look, no criminal charges were filed. It should have been expunged from my record.
Catherine: It doesn't make you any less guilty.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Lady, I'm not a saint but I am not a k*ller or a child molester. Dylan Buckley was an epileptic. He had a seizure. He h*t his head. That's the truth. You don't like it, you can leave.
Nick: We got what we came here for.
CUT TO:
[EXT. DR. SAPIEN'S RESIDENCE - DAY]
(NICK and CATHERINE are leaving.)
Catherine: What's going on with you?
Nick: I'm on a case.
Catherine: We're on a case.
Nick: Right.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- REFRIGERATOR]
(GRISSOM opens the refrigerator and is looking for something. Now, do we really need to know that there is a full bottle of Welch's Grape Juice on the right and among other things, a box of Pepperidge Farm Spritzers (lemon) cookies on the left? Yeah, I thought not. GRISSOM moves this ... lifts that ... doesn't find whatever he's looking for and closes the door.)
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY]
(On his way out, SARA walks in holding folders and a paper package.)
Grissom: Hey, is that from the deli?
Sara: Egg salad sandwich. You want half?
Grissom: No. Can I have your pickle?
Sara: Yeah.
(She hands him the wrapped pickle.)
Sara: You can have it.
(GRISSOM unwraps it and holds it up.)
Grissom: Oh, that's a nice one.
(GRISSOM leaves SARA standing there with a puzzled look on her face.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB]
(GRISSOM wires up SARA'S pickle and places it on an upside down petrie dish. Completely curious at what he could possibly want with her pickle, SARA walks in and lingers near the doorway while finishing up her sandwich. GRISSOM plugs it in and fires up SARA'S pickle. It lights up. It flickers. It crackles. It sizzles. It glows.)
Sara: You turned my pickle into a light bulb.
Grissom: I'm electrocuting it.
Sara: (amused) You sure are.
Warrick: That would explain that smell.
Grissom: This is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.
(He unplugs the pickle and holds it up for everyone to examine.)
Grissom: Check out the burn marks.
Sara: There are none.
Warrick: Just like Valenti's body. No evidence of electrocution.
Grissom: Pickles are high in sodium content.
Warrick: And sodium is conductive, just like iron.
Grissom: Normally, the flow of electricity through a body generates heat.
(FLASHBACK POV showing us a crackle of electricity passing down a golf club through the person holding it. A CGI electric sizzle asses through the man's shirt showing us the fern-like pattern underneath. Cut to the man's legs as we follow the electric current flow down the man's legs and into the ground. Cut back to present.)
Grissom: Burn marks are the physical evidence of that heat. But ... if the body offers no resistance to the flow of electricity-no heat, no burn marks.
Warrick: Roger Valenti's body offered up no resistance because of the excess iron in his blood.
Sara: The iron conducted the electricity.
Warrick: Making his body one big wire -- path to ground.
Sara: In through his hand from the drill; out through the nail in the boot.
Grissom: No burn marks, but he was still electrocuted.
(GRISSOM gives SARA back her cooked pickle. She takes it and looks at it.)
(FLASHBACK POV showing us Valenti grabbing the drill and flicking the switch turning it on. We follow the path of the switch from the drill back to the damaged plug where it shorts. White flash as we follow the current tracking back up the cord back up through the drill. CGI shows us the inside of the drill where the current hits the crossed wires. It blows. White flash to the current passing through the drill handle flowing through the veins as Valenti's blood conducts the electricity. White flash back out from the nail in Valenti's boot to the ground. White flash as Valenti is electrocuted. He and the drill fall off of the twelfth floor. White flash to present.)
Warrick: So, you've just proved m*rder.
(GREG walks in holding a piece of paper. He hands it to GRISSOM.)
Greg: I wouldn't break out that champagne just yet. Don't go sh**ting the messenger. Thumbprint from the nail.
(GRISSOM looks at it. Surprised.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY]
(GRISSOM is talking with SHERIFF BRIAN MOBLEY.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Bob Harris' prints were not on the m*rder w*apon. Is that what you're telling me?
Grissom: They were not on the nail. You see, I think that someone stuck a nail in the victim's boot and it evidently wasn't Bob Harris.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: In other words, you made a suspect out of an innocent man.
Grissom: Obviously, that wasn't my intent.
(THE SHERIFF walks away. GRISSOM follows.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, good. Then maybe you'll want to bring that up in the newspaper article.
Grissom: What are you talking about? What newspaper article?
Sheriff Brian Mobley: The one I'm arranging for your public apology.
Grissom: I'm not making an apology.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Oh, yes, you are. You don't go after a friend of mine, sully his reputation and then walk away. Actions have consequences, Gil. Even yours.
(THE SHERIFF leaves. Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM is on the computer looking through the database of "UNION OF ELECTRIAL WORKERS". BRASS walks in.)
Brass: I heard the sheriff chewed you a new one.
Grissom: You get my message?
Brass: Yeah, you want me to check out your "Deep Throat?"
(GRISSOM hands BRASS the print out that reads:)
[UNION OF ELECTRICAL WORKERS WOLF, IAN No. IW553620
493 Briarway, LV NV 89108
Write up on bottom, under the photo: "Mr. Wolf has worked as an electrical contractor for over 24 years. His experience is mostly in the area of new housing and tract housing developments. He is not limited to this kind of work, however. He has also participated in massive government projects such as hi-tech facilities, communications stations, energy generators, and others."]
Brass: Well, that was fast.
Grissom: Ian Wolf, Union of Electrical Workers, Local 37. He wanted to make sure that I stayed on Harris for the m*rder of Roger Valenti.
Brass: Doesn't that tell you something?
Grissom: I told him to talk to you.
Brass: I'll check out the guy. Gil, why do you do this to yourself?
Grissom: What?
Brass: The guy's d*ad. It could have been su1c1de ... accident. But you've always got to push it.
Grissom: Just like any other case.
Brass: You know what I think? Adrenaline. You need the rush. But that's just me.
(BRASS leaves.)
CUT TO:
(NICK works on swabbing the blanket. He unrolls it and methodically blocks off sections of the blanket with swabs. It's a long, tedious process, but he seems determined.)
(He starts with the first block completed. Dissolve to three completed sections. Dissolve to ten completed sections. Dissolve to NICK working on the final three sections of the blanket.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY]
(CATHERINE is walking down the hallway with an open file folder in her hands. She notices NICK in the lab talking with DAVID PHILLIPS, getting some test results. CATHERINE stops by the doorway just in time to hear ... )
David Phillips: Stokes.
Nick: Okay. Thank you, David.
David Phillips: No sweat.
(DAVID PHILLIPS stands and leaves the room. He passes CATHERINE on the way out.)
David: (to Catherine) Hey, he asked for it.
[INT. CSI LAB]
Catherine: How many swabs does it take to process a blanket?
Nick: I'm thorough.
Catherine: The lab tested Dylan Buckley's blood for Creatine Kinase which would be elevated post-seizure ...
Nick: ... but Dylan Buckley's levels were normal. I just got my own copy of the report. Dr. Sapien lied.
(NICK walks out of the lab. CATHERINE calls after him.)
Catherine: You're racing me, Nick. We're driving the same car.
(NICK doesn't stop walking down the hallway. He doesn't respond to CATHERINE'S question.)
Catherine: Nick!
(NICK still doesn't respond. He keeps walking down the hallway.)
Catherine: Nick, I'll have you removed from the case.
(NICK stops. He turns around as CATHERINE approaches him.)
Catherine: You're confronting suspects before the evidence is processed. You're flying solo, cutting me out. What's going on?
Nick: (he takes a deep breath) Okay. There are some people you're supposed to be able to trust, you know? I was nine. And she was a last-minute baby-sitter. (CATHERINE'S stunned.) All I can remember doing afterwards is sitting in my room in the dark, staring at the door waiting for my mom to get home. But I've never told anyone before.
Catherine: I'm sorry.
Nick: It's what makes a person, I guess.
(NICK apologizes.)
Nick: I'm sorry, Catherine.
(He walks away. Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT INTERROGATION ROOM]
(BRASS is questioning IAN WOLF. GRISSOM is sitting in the back.)
Ian Wolf: You checked me out. So what? Worst thing I've done is get a speeding ticket.
Brass: And take a pipe to Roger Valenti's head four days before he died. No, it wasn't on the foreman's report. Valenti's widow told me.
(GRISSOM looks over at IAN WOLF'S tool belt on the table next to him.)
Ian Wolf: It's a work site. Guys get in beefs all the time.
Brass: But this guy died and Bob Harris had nothing to do with it.
Grissom: Despite your efforts to make it seem that way.
Ian Wolf: Look, I'm not saying another word till I talk to a union lawyer. I pay my dues and these guys play hardball.
(IAN WOLF stands, picks up his hard hat and tool belt, and leaves the room.)
Brass: He's guilty.
Grissom: Let's not make the same mistake twice.
CUT TO:
[INT. GREG'S LAB]
Greg: FYI. Thirty swabs in six hours? Not realistic, all right? Even for me.
Nick: Come on, Greg, I thought you liked a challenge. What are we looking at here?
Greg: Lots and lots of epithelials. There were skin cells shed all over the blanket.
Catherine: Dylan Buckley's. Dr. Sapien's.
Greg: You're two-thirds of the way there. I also isolated a set of cells from another individual. Identity unknown. But when it's important to Nick here, I push further. Seven of the 13 markers matched your d*ad kid.
Catherine: Familial DNA.
Nick: Father's d*ad, means we're looking at mom.
Catherine: Naked kid under a blanket at his shrink's late at night and his mother's there.
Greg: Yeah, your case just entered a whole new dimension of weird.
(Camera holds on NICK'S thoughtful look. Behind him, we see GRISSOM walk into the hallway his nose in a file, the camera follows GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
(GRISSOM'S holding a file folder and definitely going somewhere.)
[INT. CSI - PRINT LAB]
(GRISSOM enters the room and sees SARA at the computer.)
Grissom: Where's Mandy?
Sara: She's cross-eyed from running our partial. I didn't want to lose any time, so I took over. The database is 70,000. It could still take a while.
Grissom: What if I narrowed the scope? To one.
Sara: We got a suspect?
Grissom: Ian Wolf. Like the animal not the authors.
(SARA makes the entry and hits enter. The computer lines up the prints and beeps with the results.)
[On the top left corner of the Left Print:
#9208390: IAN WOLF]
[ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LEFT PRINT: IN A BOX LABELED: "MATCH TREE"
Ian Wolf: REF# 9208390_DBASE F????74
(in red) MATCH PROBABILITY: 100%
(in red) L32,LT45, RH87, GHR29, PR11A(?), PR11B(?)]
Sara: Partial overlay. Perfect match. Now we've just got to place him at the crime scene.
Grissom: Warrick's on it. I got a warrant for his tool belt -- metal cutters included.
(GRISSOM leaves. Camera hold on SARA.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM]
(DOC ROBBINS is eating when NICK and CATHERINE walk in.)
Nick: Doc? The kid in his underwear ... Tell us about the Y-incision.
Doc Robbins: Leftovers from my anniversary dinner.
Catherine: Congratulations.
Doc Robbins: Thanks. Same tan fibers I found on the outside I found on the inside. Mouth, nasal passages, both lungs.
Catherine: He was wrapped in that blanket.
Nick: Mm-hmm. Head-to-toe.
(Flash to White: CGI Flash POV showing us DYLAN BUCKLEY wrapped in the tan-colored angora blanket. The blanket covers his entire head and body. Camera starts from above the blanket. DYLAN opens his mouth and the camera dives in and down through his air passages carrying some of the blanket fibers with it.)
FLASH TO WHTE:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT INTERROGATION ROOM]
Catherine: Mrs. Buckley, we know that your son didn't have a seizure. We also know that you were at Dr. Sapien's house with Dylan the night that he died.
Nick: He was in his underwear wrapped in a blanket fighting for every breath.
Mrs. Buckley: I loved my son.
Nick: That's what every parent says.
Mrs. Buckley: This ... this was therapy. I had tried everything else. Taken him to so many specialists. But I couldn't reach him. So we ... we tried the ... (she looks at DR. SAPIEN) I have to tell them.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: It's called Re-Birthing.
Nick: Re-Birthing?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: It's a technique used to treat extreme behavioral disorders. Idea is to turn back the clock. Wipe the slate clean. Allow the child to re-bond with his mother.
Catherine: What is the blanket for?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: It represents the birth canal.
Catherine: So you wrapped Dylan up ... b*at the hell out of him and hocus-pocus, he's supposed to love you again?
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Rebirthing may not be a recognized therapeutic procedure, but it's not illegal.
Sgt. O'Riley: Last time I checked, m*rder is.
Mrs. Buckley: I begged her to do it.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: All other methods of therapy had failed. Dylan was becoming more belligerent, withdrawn, even dangerous.
Mrs. Buckley: I just wanted my son to love me. That's all.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Dylan was a willing participant.
Sgt. O'Riley: He was 14.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: I instructed Dylan to lie down on the floor. In a fetal position. As part of the process ...
(Flashback during (V.O.): DYLAN BUCKLEY in his boxers. DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY are in the living room also. Flash to white. DYLAN BUCKLEY on the tan-colored blanket. Flash to white to present. Camera hold on CATHERINE.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: ... I asked him if he wanted to be reborn to his mother. He said yes.
(Flashback: DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY gathering the edges of the blanket and effectively wrapping the blanket around DYLAN.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Now we're going to close the womb. And twist it.
(End of Flashback. Resume Present. Camera on NICK.)
Nick: So, then what happened? Things got out of hand? He changed his mind?
(MRS. BUCKLEY covers her eyes as she begins to cry.)
Catherine: Somewhere in the middle of an angora birth canal?
(Flashback: DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY hold the blanket closed as DYLAN begins to struggle inside.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: It's time to be reborn. That's it, Dylan. Push harder, push harder! Harder ...
Dylan Buckley: Mom, stop it! I can't breathe!
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Push hard.
Dylan Buckley: Mom, please just stop!
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Do you want to be reborn or stay in there and die?
Dylan Buckley: Quit pushing on me, please! Mom, please, I want this to stop.
Mrs. Buckley: ... maybe we should ...
Dr. Leigh Sapien: No, this is what happens. We can't stop now. Trust me. This is the normal response.
(End of Flashback. Resume Present. Camera on MRS. BUCKLEY.)
Mrs. Buckley: I thought it was part of the process. She told me that that's what he was supposed to say. That babies don't want to come out.
Dr. Leigh Sapien: That's right.
Mrs. Buckley: That that's why it's such an ordeal for the woman.
Catherine: So you pushed on him like a mother in labor?
(Flashback: DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY hold the blanket closed as DYLAN continues to struggle inside.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Come on. Push harder.
Dylan Buckley: No, mom, I can't breathe!
(DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY hold the blanket closed as DYLAN continues to struggle inside.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: Push harder! (DYLAN continues to fight against them.) That's it.
(DYLAN'S stops struggling. DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY open the blanket. DYLAN'S not moving.)
Mrs. Buckley: Dylan? DYLAN? HONEY?
(End of Flashback. Resume Present. Camera on MRS. BUCKLEY.)
Dr. Leigh Sapien: When we opened the blanket, his eyes were closed. I thought he was pretending to be asleep.
Nick: So much for your ... therapy.
(Both DR. SAPIEN and MRS. BUCKLEY look at NICK. NICK stands and leaves the room.)
Nick: Excuse me.
Mrs. Buckley: And that's why we tried to hide it. We knew you wouldn't understand.
(Camera holds on CATHERINE.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI LAB]
(WARRICK is processing IAN WOLF'S wire cutters. GRISSOM and SARA watch.)
Warrick: Twin moons of Venus.
Grissom: Overlap to one.
Warrick: Striations match.
Sara: Wolf stuck a nail in Valenti's boot, compromised the drill and cut the grounding prong with his own cutters.
Warrick: Seems like a lot of work to k*ll a guy.
Grissom: Not for an electrician I'm going to find Brass.
(GRISSOM starts to leave the room. WARRICK stops him.)
Warrick: Hey, Griss. I think I can speak for both of us when I say I'm sorry that we let you down.
Sara: We quit before we should have.
Grissom: Yeah, you did.
(GRISSOM leaves. Camera holds on SARA and WARRICK.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE -- NIGHT]
(Sounds of construction hammering and drilling. BRASS, followed by GRISSOM and a couple of officers find IAN WOLF at the construction site.)
Brass: Mr. Wolf. We got you for m*rder. Premeditated.
Ian Wolf: You know this from my cutters?
Grissom: They're just part of the story.
(Flash to white: FLASHBACK POV showing us IAN WOLF opening ROGER VALENTI'S locker, pulling out his right boot and sticking a nail on the bottom, pressing it in with his thumb.)
Grissom: (V.O.) You spiked Roger's boot with the nail -- compromised the insulation.
(Flash to white. Resume Present. Camera on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You reversed the polarity in his drill.
(Flash to white: Flashback POV showing us IAN WOLF on the floor cutting the drill's grounding prong with his wire cutters. Flash to white. A pair of wire cutters slipping out of a plastic thermos being placed on the ground.)
Grissom: (V.O.) You cut the grounding prong, planted evidence. And k*lled a man.
(Flash to white. Resume Present. Camera on GRISSOM.)
(Flash to white. Flashback shows us ROGER VALENTI picking up his drill, the electricity coursing through his body, his hard hat falling off his head to the ground below, getting electrocuted and falling off the 12th floor to the ground below.)
(Flash to white. Resume Present. Camera on IAN WOLF.)
Brass: You're under arrest.
CUT TO:
(The officers handcuff IAN WOLF and escort him to their cars. On their way out, they run into THE SHERIFF.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Grissom.
Brass: (to GRISSOM) It's all you, man.
(BRASS goes with IAN WOLF. GRISSOM heads off to talk with THE SHERIFF.)
Grissom: Sheriff.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: You got the bad apple.
Grissom: Yeah, how about that? Just in time for my big "public apology".
Sheriff Brian Mobley: I may be changing the tenor of that piece somewhat. You won't be the goat but you won't be the hero, either.
Grissom: Good, I leave that to you.
Sheriff Brian Mobley: That's why we will continue to work well together.
(GRISSOM walks away without saying anything.)
Sheriff Brian Mobley: Grissom ...
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "02x03 - Overload"} | foreverdreaming |
COLD OPEN:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - LATE AFTERNOON]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS FOOTBALL STADIUM (STOCK) - EVENING]
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(BARRY SCHICKLE and three other boys come out into the hallway. One of the boys is carrying a basketball. A school bell rings in the background.)
Barry Schickle: I'm telling you, man.
Friend: See ya, bro.
Barry Schickle: Later, losers.
(The three boys walk down one hallway and BARRY SCHICKLE walks down another hallway. BARRY SCHICKLE looks behind him to make sure that no one's there, reaches into his backpack with one fluid motion and pulls out a spray can. He stops in front of the long row of student lockers and with a final look to make sure that he is truly alone, he confidently sprays "STICK" in orange on a particular locker. He shows no hesitation. It's as if he's done this a million times before.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(Close up of door handle as BARRY SCHICKLE enters the men's bathroom. He positions himself in front of the urinal and faces the mirror. Something distracts him and he turns around. He ducks as the first g*n hits the corner of the mirror, shattering it. The next three sh*ts h*t Barry in the back. He falls to the floor.)
FLASH OF WHITE TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
Brass: Barry Schickel. Wallet's still with him. With cash. "A" student. Recently voted class clown.
(BRASS and GRISSOM are standing over the d*ad body. An officer stands just on the inside of the men's bathroom door. GRISSOM kneels down next to the body for a closer look.)
Grissom: Strange, people usually aren't scared of class clowns.
(He looks up at BRASS. BRASS also kneels down next to GRISSOM.)
Brass: Who said the sh**t was scared.
Grissom: sh*t him in the back.
Brass: With his zipper down and his hands otherwise engaged.
Grissom: Yeah. We're looking for a coward.
HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - ENTRANCE / HALLWAY -- NIGHT]
(Two people from the coroner's office wheel out BARRY SCHICKLE'S body in a bag on a gurney. They pass WARRICK and CATHERINE on the way out as they walk into the school. Both are carrying their CSI kits. They turn the corner and Catherine sees the janitor cleaning off the orange spray-painted graffiti on the locker. The same graffiti made by BARRY SCHICKLE.)
Catherine: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Janitor: Removing graffiti.
Catherine: There's been a m*rder here. Nothing gets cleaned.
Janitor: School policy, Miss. I have to get this graffiti down as soon as ...
Catherine: Everything is Evidence. Policy of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Should we call the Sheriff?
(The janitor takes one look at CATHERINE'S unwavering expression and relents.)
Janitor: No.
Catherine: Thank you.
(The janitor puts his cleaning things down and leaves everything as is. WARRICK and CATHERINE continue on.)
Warrick: Bet you were like that in high school.
Catherine: Worse.
Warrick: Oh, you were the girl I ran away from.
Catherine: Yeah. Till you caught me.
(WARRICK laughs. CATHERINE smiles.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM -- NIGHT]
(BRASS is questioning the School's Principal while GRISSOM is busy looking at the b*llet lodged in the mirror.)
Brass: So, you say that football practice was over at 5:45?
Principal Perrin: That's right.
Brass: And it was okay for a student like this victim to return to the school property to use the restroom. That wasn't out of the ordinary?
(GRISSOM locates the b*llet.)
Grissom: (interrupting) Hand me a bindle.
(PRINCIPAL PERRIN momentarily turns to GRISSOM. The unknown person off screen hands GRISSOM a bindle. He continues to extract the b*llet lodged in the wall.)
Principal Perrin: Place isn't locked up till the janitor leaves end of his shift eight, eight-thirty. Until then, the kids at after-school events use the facilities.
(GRISSOM removes the b*llet.)
Grissom: (interrupting) Brass ...
Principal Perrin: (more than annoyed) Excuse me, one of my students is d*ad. Are we interrupting you?
(GRISSOM turns around to look at the man.)
Grissom: Yeah. A little.
Brass: (to PRINCIPAL PERRIN) That's okay. I'll drop by your office. We'll finish it there.
(PRINCIPAL PERRIN leaves the men's room.)
Brass: (to GRISSOM) You found a slug. So, the treasure hunt paid off, huh?
Grissom: Yeah, it better. We have a point of reference.
(GRISSOM puts a pink marker in the b*llet hole in the wall.)
Brass: Well, the nerd squad is off and running. I'm going to ... uh ... burn a little shoe leather and see whether the victim had a beef with anyone.
(BRASS leaves the men's room.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. OUTSKIRTS LAS VEGAS - RED ROCK -- NIGHT]
(A Police Rescue helicopter flies over head.)
Rescue One: (over radio) Rescue One over drop site. We have a visual, Baker One.
(On the helicopter, Sara is in her #36 hat and Nick in his #19 hat both waiting to be taken to their location.)
Rescue One: (over radio) Stand by for Eastern Approach.
(The Rescue helicopter hovers over it's location.)
Rescue One: (over radio) CSI. Ready for descent.
Man on Rescue One: (to NICK) You're good to go.
Nick: Okay! There he is. Let's get down there.
(Both NICK and SARA throw their ropes off the helicopter. NICK turns to SARA ... )
Nick: Ready?
Sara: (smiling) I'll race you!
(They both rappel down their ropes and in no time, they're on the ground.)
Rescue One: (over radio) CSI is through the air.
Rescue One: (over radio) CSI is on the ground.
(On the ground, they are met by an Emergency Services Man standing guard over the large leather bag.)
Nick: Stokes! Sidle! Crime Lab. Did you open the bag?
Hank Peddigrew (emergency service man): Only long enough to see one gnarly looking hand. Well, skeleton of a hand.
(SARA takes off her helmet. NICK crouches low to look at the bag. He notices the smell.)
Sara: Anyone touch the bag since?
Hank Peddigrew: With that smell?
Sara: I thought you Emergency Service guys were tougher than that.
Hank Peddigrew: Hey, I'm plenty tough.
Sara: (smiling) Down, boy. It was a joke.
(NICK gets up from his position next to the body and walks toward SARA. He has a large grin on his face and is laughing openly at SARA.)
Nick: (to SARA) He-he. Nothing like flirting over a D.B.
Nick: (to PEDDIGREW) You want to airlift the body to the coroner's. We'll radio ahead.
Hank Peddigrew: Sure.
Sara: Great.
(SARA pulls out a Kn*fe and begins to cut the handles off from the bag.)
Hank Peddigrew: Are you supposed to do that already?
Sara: Body's coroner's. Property's ours.
(Camera holds on HANK PEDDIGREW'S smile, then refocuses on NICK as he looks up and puts his helmet back on. The helicopter overhead drops the hook. The hook is attached to the basket holding the bag. It takes off, taking its cargo with it.)
Rescue One: (over radio) We have the basket. Copy that. Rescue One returning to base.
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK and CATHERINE walk in. Apparently they are a bit late. GRISSOM has been busy in their absence.)
Catherine: Hi.
Warrick: Construction on Flamingo. I'm sorry.
Grissom: (to WARRICK) Give me a hand, will you?
Warrick: Yeah.
(WARRICK puts his kit down. GRISSOM takes out some pink-colored string and begins unraveling it and heads toward the b*llet hole in the wall. WARRICK takes a closer look at the hole.)
Warrick: A .38?
Grissom: .44. Here, take this.
(GRISSOM hands the string to WARRICK. CATHERINE notices an orange smudged-up thumbprint on the wall in the bathroom stall. The camera does a close up of the print.)
Catherine: Brass said the victim had a can of spray paint, right?
Grissom: Orange, by my kit. It was in his backpack.
(CATHERINE snaps a picture of the print. She turns and looks at the spray can in the zip locked baggie near the backpack. She crouches down, picks up the paint can and sighs.)
Grissom: Did you get something?
Catherine: Paint from another source. I'm going to find out who belongs to that locker.
(CATHERINE leaves. WARRICK is holding the spool of pink string and is standing on the opposite side of the bathroom from GRISSOM who is holding the end of the string against the b*llet hole in the wall. They're trying to estimate the height and position of the sh**t.)
Warrick: Kind of weird being in a high school.
Grissom: They do have a timeless quality.
Warrick: What were you? A jock or a brain?
Grissom: I was a ghost.
(WARRICK laughs at the response. GRISSOM smiles.)
Grissom: Here.
(GRISSOM removes the pink marker from the b*llet hole in the wall and looks across the room at WARRICK.)
Grissom: sh**t was standing right there.
(WARRICK holds out his index finger and thumb as if holding an imaginary g*n. He fires.)
(Begin bluish-white hazy flashback. Camera moves along the pink-colored string in the same trajectory as the b*llet sh*t. The other g*n follow. As it passes the urinal, it hits BARRY SCHICKLE, who is standing there with this backpack. The camera continues it's movement till we see GRISSOM also in the frame. BARRY SCHICKLE falls to the floor in a puddle of blood ... and disappears. End of flashback.)
(Resume on GRISSOM. GRISSOM kneels where BARRY SCHICKLE fell. Right in front of the blood markings on the floor.)
Grissom: And ... ?
Warrick: Reconstruction guys can give us a more precise angle measurement, but I'm thinking ... five-four ... maybe three. We got ourselves a shorty.
CUT TO:
[INT CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE]
Nick: Let's see what metal shows up.
(Using a machine to x-ray into the bag without actually opening it, DAVID PHILLIPS, NICK and SARA examine its metallic contents.)
Nick: Well, there's no g*n on our d*ad body.
Sara: Wouldn't it be easier to just unzip the bag and see what kind of shape our vic is in?
David Phillips: (smiling) I like to put that off till the last possible moment with decomps.
Sara: I see a coin. Looks like a half dollar.
David Phillips: Silver, whole. (Off SARA'S look) I've done a few of these.
Nick: What's that? There. About four inches long. What is that?
David Phillips: It looks like a pin. It's a medical implant.
(They pull the table the bag rests on completely through the machine.)
David Phillips: Oh, and that's a plate in the skull. The head's been rolled.
Sara: I'd say we're dealing with a man.
David Phillips: Yeah, and by the sound of things he's been d*ad about two months.
Sara: Sound?
(DAVID PHILLIPS reaches out to rustle the bag. Inside, we hear the shloshing sound of liquid.)
David Phillips: You weren't here when ESD brought this in.
Nick: Well, it wasn't from lack of trying.
(SARA looks at NICK ... and smiles.
David Phillips: Let's go to the V.I.P. room ... I'll show you what I mean.
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY IN FRONT OF LOCKERS]
(Extreme close up of orange fingerprint. Flash to white. Camera moves back to reveal the bright light of the flashlight shining on the bottom of the orange spray-painted letter "t" on the locker. CATHERINE fingers the portion of the letter that was smudged.)
(Camera slowly moves left and stops on JULIA BARRETT, the school's counselor.)
Julia Barett: That's Dennis Fram's locker.
Catherine: And was this a first or has the deceased spray-painted his locker before?
Julia Barett: Look, I'm the school counselor I don't know every move these kids make.
Catherine: Well, that's obvious or a young man wouldn't be d*ad. Tell me what "stick" means.
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM]
(Close up on a walkie-talkie shaped hand-held device. Camera moves back and we see that WARRICK is holding the device out in front of him and doing a slow air-sweep of the bathroom stall where the sh**t was supposedly standing.)
(GRISSOM passes by WARRICK and notices the device.)
Grissom: Is that a Polymer Sensor Proboscis?
(WARRICK stops what he's doing and shows the device to GRISSOM, who takes it and looks at it.)
Warrick: Cyranose 320. Company sent it to me, gratis for a week. They figure if it helps, CSI will buy one.
Grissom: Electronic noses run like ten grand.
Warrick: Yeah, well ... what if the sh**t chews a certain kind of tobacco or has a unique halitosis and the e-nose picks up on it?
Grissom: If that thing ran out of here and bit the sh**t in the ass, the county would not approve a $10,000 purchase order.
(GRISSOM hands the device back to WARRICK, turns and heads toward his kit. He kneels and begins putting something together. WARRICK slowly sweeps the air in the stall as GRISSOM speaks.)
Warrick: I thought it was our job to speak for the victim no matter what it took ... and to hell with the budgets.
Grissom: Our job is to think, Warrick. Machinery should never matter more than our mind. Try this ...
(GRISSOM stands and hands WARRICK an Erlenmeyer flask, a tube with a rubber stopper and a pump. He squeezes the pump a few times before giving it all to WARRICK.)
Grissom: Glass tube. Air pump ...
Warrick: Air pump. Cost about ten bucks.
(GRISSOM turns and heads out the restroom.)
Warrick: Absorption agent?
(GRISSOM turns back to WARRICK, glances down at his kit and smiles.
Grissom: Fresh out. Improvise.
(GRISSOM leaves the restroom and WARRICK holding the ten grand e-nose in his right hand and the ten dollar air pump in his left hand.)
(WARRICK sighs.)
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY IN FRONT OF LOCKERS]
(Out in the hallway, four boys stand with a guard near the yellow-taped barrier blocking off the hallway. CATHERINE fills GRISSOM in on the kid who belonged to the spray-canned locker. The school counselor, JULIA BARRETT is with them.)
Catherine: And Miss Barrett says that a Dennis Fram had been bullied by the deceased all year. He spray-painted his locker many times always something to do with his build. "Skinny," "shorty" ... that kind of thing.
Julia Barett: Dennis is slight and Barry always picks on him for it.
Grissom: Can you arrange for us to meet with Dennis?
Julia Barett: Of course, but he would never hurt Barry. He's a good kid. He's totally nonviolent.
Grissom: Well, then, this will be brief.
(JULIA BARRETT sighs. She turns and walks down the hallway toward her office. GRISSOM starts to follow. CATHERINE turns back to look at the locker. )
Julia Barett: (o.s.) We can call him from my office.
(GRISSOM notices that CATHERINE isn't following. He stops. JULIA BARRETT continues down the hallway.)
Grissom: You coming?
Catherine: Oh, I'll catch up to you.
(GRISSOM turns and follows JULIA BARRETT. CATHERINE looks around and sees THE JANITOR carrying a ladder walking along the hallway past the various colored signs hanging on the wall. He stops when CATHERINE calls out to him.)
Catherine: Hey ... I need to talk to you.
Janitor: (defensively) I didn't clean anything.
Catherine: (shakes her head) It's not about that.
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE]
(JULIA BARRETT is sitting behind her desk. GRISSOM is leaning against a pillar in her office and DENNIS FRAM is standing in front of JULIA BARRETT'S desk.)
Grissom: How tall are you, Dennis?
Dennis Fram: (looks nervously at JULIA BARRETT) Five-three ... and one quarter.
Grissom: Have you washed your hands in the last hour?
Dennis Fram: Yeah. Why?
Grissom: Changed your shirt?
Dennis Fram: No.
Grissom: I'd like to do a test on your shirt if I may.
Dennis Fram: What kind of test?
Grissom: Forensic.
(DENNIS FRAM again looks nervously at JULIA BARRETT who says nothing.)
SHORT TIME CUT TO:
(GRISSOM'S kit is open on the desk. He picks up a small plastic pump bottle filled with a clear liquid. Standing next to him is DENNIS FRAM in a white t-shirt. JULIA BARRETT is standing next to DENNIS FRAM. DENNIS' blue short-sleeved shirt is on a hanger on a rack.)
(GRISSOM sprays the liquid on the shirt. He puts the small plastic bottle back in the kit and picks up another bottle similar to the first. He also sprays this on to the shirt. In front of their eyes, the shirt emits a bright blue stain.)
Dennis Fram: What is that?
Grissom: G.S.R. When someone fires a w*apon, g*n residue plumes back onto their hands and clothing.
(Short CGI video POV in slow motion of a g*n being fired; and a cloud of residue coming from the g*n and sticking onto the shirt of the person holding the g*n. End of CGI.)
Grissom: This means that you fired a g*n within the last three to six hours.
Julia Barett: Dennis ...
Grissom: The police are going to want to talk to you.
(Camera holds on DENNIS FRAM'S face.)
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE]
(Camera on GRISSOM sitting in a sofa chair in JULIA BARRETT'S office. JULIA BARRETT is sitting behind her desk. BRASS is standing off to the side of her desk facing DENNIS FRAM still in his white shirt in front of the desk.)
Brass: (o.s.) So, you admit you fired a g*n.
Dennis Fram: (o.s.) I was over at the sh**ting range on Desert Way.
Brass: So the same night that Barry Schickel was sh*t and k*lled you were out taking target practice?
Dennis Fram: I go every Monday night. You can ask my sister. She goes with me.
Brass: Where's your g*n?
Dennis Fram: I rent different ones there.
Grissom: Did you ever rent a .44 caliber?
Dennis Fram: Sometimes.
(Outside, there's a commotion as a young woman tries to get into the office. The guard is trying to stop her, the young woman pushes the guard aside and opens the door. She's angry.)
Kelsey Fram: I'm going to see my brother! Get out of the way!
(The young woman walks in and kneels in front of DENNIS FRAM.)
Kelsey Fram: Denny, are you okay? Got your call.
Dennis Fram: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Brass: We're conducting a police investigation here.
Kelsey Fram: My dad's back in town tonight and you'll be sorry you harassed my little brother.
Brass: "Questioned". A student was sh*t and k*lled in this building tonight.
Julia Barett: (standing) You know what? Dennis has explained to you about the g*n. And I am sure his sister will vouch for his whereabouts. And he's a minor.
Grissom: (interrupting) Jim.
Brass: We'll be in touch.
(Camera holds on KELSEY FRAM and DENNIS FRAM.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE - VIP ROOM]
(DAVID PHILLIPS starts to unzipper the leather bag. He stops halfway and issues a final warning to SARA and NICK.)
David Phillips: Remember, breathe through your mouth.
(They both nod their heads. He unzippers and opens the leather bag. SARA immediately reacts to the stench. NICK turns his head away and swallows as he, too, hasn't been unaffected by the smell of the decomposing body.)
(The first thing DAVID pulls out of the bag is an arm cut off at the elbow. As he said, he's done this before. He's breathing through his mouth. SARA struggles to do the same. He then pulls out the skull and shows it to the CSIs.)
David Phillips: Metal plate.
(He places the skull with metal plate next to the arm on the table. He reaches into the bag and holds out a ... )
Sara: Silver dollar.
(That, too, goes on the table. He looks once again into the bag and pulls out the ... )
Nick: Gambling chip.
(SARA struggles to breathe.)
David Phillips: ... and...
(DAVID clears his throat and pulls out a man-sized, dripping wet ...)
Nick: Jacket. Government Issue, Army.
Sara: Ugh.
(The jacket goes on the table next to the other contents from the bag. NICK writes on the clip board he's carrying. DAVID looks back into the bag.)
David Phillips: Pile of bones and that's it.
Sara: That's it? No organs? No-no tonsils? No ...
(DAVID turns the rest of the bag over and out pours thick, black ... )
Sara: ... soup?
Nick: Human ... soup. Well, we are 73.5% liquid, eh, Dave?
(The thick black "soup" oozes across the counter and down into the sink.)
David Phillips: Add some bacteria, a couple gases, and... voila!
Sara: Okay, I'll take liquid man's jacket, see what I can find.
(SARA turns away. She starts brushing away at her scrubs.)
David Phillips: I'll cremate this.
Nick: What if we find the family or they find us?
David Phillips: A decomp this bad can stink up the entire building ... forever. The sooner we dispose of this, the better.
(NICK also turns away. He seems to be holding what looks like the skull in his hands.)
Nick: Not for our investigation.
(They both leave DAVID to dispose the body.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM B-29]
(Both SARA and NICK tear out of the Autopsy Room gasping for a breath of fresh air. SARA is carrying a blue plastic bag and NICK is carrying a small plastic container. They run into GRISSOM as he passes the hallway.)
Grissom: Let me guess. Decomp in an enclosed space?
Sara: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah, in a zip bag.
Grissom: Lemons.
Sara: What?
Grissom: Use lemons.
(GRISSOM mimics squeezing lemons on his own head to demonstrate what he means.)
Nick: Hmm.
(NICK leaves. SARA turns around and looks back into the room they just came from. She sees DAVID PHILLIPS washing away Liquid Man from the table, cleaning up the mess ... disposing the body. He's breathing through his mouth ... just as he's done so many times before. As she watches through the protection of the glass window, we see a new found respect in SARA for the man and the profession.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- UNCLAIMED REMAINS VAULT]
Lyric: ("Can't Find My Way Home") ... But I can't find my way home / still, I can't find / my way home / and... come down / off your throne / but I can't / find my way home.
(A CORONER fills out a form and puts it in the metal file box on the table next to him. He's standing inside what appears to be a large file room. The entire wall is filled from floor to ceiling with little file drawers. The CORONER climbs the ladder and places the box in a file cabinet drawer with the following label.)
NAME OF DECEASED: JOHN DOE
CORONER'S CASE NO.: 20010068
FILE NO: 387142183
DATE: 9/18/2001
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING]
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM]
(WARRICK'S crushing something with a pestle in a mortar. CATHERINE walks by.)
Catherine: So how's your new toy working out?
Warrick: It's been downsized.
Catherine: Bummer. I know how you wanted to see that thing work.
Warrick: Well, it's the same difference, really.
(WARRICK stands up and holds out the Erlenmeyer flask with the crushed chalk on the bottom, tube with rubber stopper and the air pump. It's not attached yet.)
(Close up CGI POV as WARRICK speaks. The air pump is squeezed and air is sucked into the flask through the tube. Camera close up on the chalk inside the flash absorbing the air. End of CGI POV. Cut back to WARRICK and CATHERINE.)
Warrick: Air is drawn into the last tube the chalk absorbs the chemicals from the air. And mass spec will break it down at the lab.
Catherine: So why did you need the expensive one in the first place?
Warrick: 'Cause it was cool.
(Off CATHERINE as she smiles at WARRICK'S honesty. No matter how old they are, it's all about the cool toys.)
Catherine: I'll see you in homeroom.
Warrick: All right.
(CATHERINE leaves WARRICK to carry on.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM]
(ROBBINS and GRISSOM are examining BARRY SCHICKLE'S body. The body is rolled partially on its left side to expose the b*llet holes on the back.)
Robbins: Barry Schickel from the high school. Dug three of these .44's from his back.
(ROBBINS holds out a slug. He puts it in the tray on the side.)
Robbins: First one cracked his infraspinous fossa.
(CGI POV of the b*llet cracking through bone. Flash to white. Resume on GRISSOM.)
Robbins: (V.O.) Second one entered ... past the interior angle of the scapula punctured a lung.
(CGI POV of a second b*llet piercing through a lung in slow motion. Flash to white. Resume on ROBBINS and GRISSOM.)
Robbins: And the last one entered just right of the right anterior sarratus muscle ... pierced the heart.
Grissom: The heart? That makes no sense.
Robbins: This is a special case.
(ROBBINS rolls the body onto its back. He points to a small four-holed scar on the body.)
Robbins: See the scar? This guy was att*cked before ... I'd say in the last six months.
Grissom: But not with a Kn*fe, it looks like prongs.
Robbins: Whatever it was, it would've k*lled him. If his heart had been there.
(CGI POV of a fork puncturing through the chest, down past the rib cage to the organ ... or non-organs beneath. Flash to white. Resume on GRISSOM.)
Grissom: Where was his heart?
Robbins: Barry's upper body? All his internal organs are on the opposite side of typical placement.
(ROBBINS and GRISSOM move to the x-ray viewer where the film of the body is on display.)
Grissom: Dextrocardia? Like Dr. No? That only presents in .01% of the population?
Robbins: Which was good for this guy, until his luck ran out.
(GRISSOM looks back at the body.)
Grissom: How long ago did you say he was s*ab?
Robbins: Six months, hand-to-hand combat. Sounds like something your suspect would do?
Grissom: No.
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY]
[INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY]
(Close up of tag on the jacket SARA'S working on. She's removing the guck from it. NICK bursts into the room.)
Nick: Hey, how's Liquid Man doing?
Sara: You mean "Mr. Cartsen"? I found this. It's a nametag.
(NICK puts on a pair of latex gloves to assist SARA.)
Nick: You know, Sara, a lot of homeless guys get these army jackets cheap at salvage stores.
Sara: Well, it's a start. I'm going to get homicide to check the VA medical database for a "W. Cartsen" with plates or pins.
Nick: Okay.
(NICK checks out the jacket pockets and finds something. He pulls out a small matchbook shaped item.)
Nick: Ugh...
Sara: What do you got?
(NICK holds it up for a closer look.)
Nick: I don't know. I can't read an address or a phone number ...
Sara: God, it reeks! Q.D. Should be able to, uh ... to bring something up.
(SARA turns around and empties her stomach in the trash can behind her. She's more than a little embarrassed that it happened in front of NICK. She wipes her mouth and looks at him.)
Sara: Don't tell anyone.
Nick: About what?
(The door to the room opens and L.V.P.D. Emergency Services HANK PEDDIGREW looks in.)
Hank Peddigrew: Sara?
Sara: (smiles) Hi.
Hank Peddigrew: They told me out front I could find you ... here.
(All of a sudden, HANK PEDDIGREW realizes what SARA is working on.)
Sara: Yeah. Um ... I'll be right out.
(The door closes.)
Sara: Give me a mint.
Nick: (laughs) You're going to need more than one.
Sara: Just give me.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE LAB - CONTINUOUS]
(HANK PEDDIGREW waits for SARA out in the hallway taking deep breaths of fresh air. SARA comes out of the room. She smiles at HANK.)
Sara: This is a nice surprise
Hank Peddigrew: I wanted to see if you'd like to have dinner.
Sara: Yeah. Um ... when?
Hank Peddigrew: Now. I'm on break.
Sara: Oh, well, I'm in the middle of that D.B. From the gully. He's still a John Doe and we don't know the circumstances ...
(HANK PEDDIGREW doesn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be smiling. In fact, he doesn't seem to be breathing at all. SARA realizes what it must be.)
Sara: I smell.
Hank Peddigrew: No ... well ... not that bad.
Sara: I changed clothes ... tho' the problem is that it's human fat reduced and it's attached itself to my follicles and my pores, so ...
(Once again, HANK doesn't seem to be breathing. He shifts his weight uncomfortably.)
Sara: You don't look good.
Hank Peddigrew: I need to get some air.
(HANK turns to leave.)
Sara: Ok..
(She moves to follow. HANK turns around to stop her.)
Hank Peddigrew: Uh, no, you-you stay. Uh, you've got that John Doe to worry about and, uh ... well, I can always stop by another time.
Sara: (smiling) Right.
(HANK peals it out of there.)
Sara: (smiling) Okay.
(She lifts her hand up in a wave to his retreating back.)
Sara: (smiling) Bye.
(He disappears down the hallway passing GREG on the way out. GREG walks past SARA and stops. He takes a step back so that he's next to SARA and says quietly: )
Greg: You smell like death.
Sara: I've heard.
(He takes a few steps, stops again and turns around.)
Greg: You know ... a real man wouldn't mind.
(GREG disappears around the corner. SARA turns to look at GREG for a moment. The then turns to stare at the empty hallway in the direction that PEDDIGREW just left.)
(She sighs.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS -- DAY]
(Long Camera sh*t of GRISSOM and JULIA BARRETT walking through the main school grounds.)
Julia Barett: Have you talked to Barry's parents?
Grissom: I did; they had no idea he'd been s*ab.
Julia Barett: The older kids get the less they talk to their parents.
Grissom: They talk to you, though, right? The guidance counselor? Who else may have had it in for Barry Schickel?
(JULIA BARRETT stops.)
Julia Barett: Look, he was very popular and he was a bully. So there was probably a dozen kids who wanted to see him d*ad.
(She continues in the direction they were walking. GRISSOM follows.)
Grissom: Really?
CUT TO:
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - INTERVIEW ROOM]
Bram: I'd be walking by and ... he would punch me.
(Flash to white.)
(Flashback of BARRY SCHICKLE hitting BRAM rather hard in the head. BRAM falls to the ground. Cut to abdomen sh*t of students in crowd laughing. Flash to white. Resume on BRAM.)
Bram: Everybody started calling me "flinch." (quietly) Even the teachers.
FLASH TO WHITE:
(Flashback of kid carrying school books. Someone (BARRY SCHICKLE) bumping into the kid to deliberately make them drop the books. Books falling to the ground.)
Barry Schickle: Move!
(Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume on ALAN.)
Alan: He was the meanest guy I've ever known. But the way he put you down, it sounded funny. If it wasn't you.
CUT TO:
Dylan: He'd wait for me, every day. Lunch time, fourth period. Take my food.
(Flash to white. Flashback of close-up of a plate of food on a tray on a table.)
Barry Schickle: Yo! Hungry? Ha! Thanks for the sandwich.
(Someone deliberately knocking over the try of food and it falls to the ground. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on DYLAN.)
Dylan: Until I fixed him. It was about half a year ago, I went at him.
Grissom: With a fork? s*ab him above his left pectoral.
Dylan: Yeah. It still didn't stop him ... I mean, today was the first day I could come to school and not feel like a moving target.
Grissom: Where were you last night about 6:00?
Dylan: (laughs) When BARRY was sh*t?
(GRISSOM doesn't crack a smile.)
Dylan: (stops laughing and looks down at his hands) Boxing practice.
Grissom: Okay. Thanks.
(DYLAN leaves.)
Julia Barett: I can protect them from being called a derogatory word for h*m* or the n-word. Everything else falls under free speech.
Grissom: No one's blaming you.
Julia Barett: I am.
Grissom: You know who did this, don't you?
Julia Barett: You have no idea what these kids go through. I listen to them every day. Divorce, working parents ... cliques. And all they need is just one person to believe in them.
Grissom: Yeah. But where does that leave Barry Schickel?
Julia Barett: (she shrugs) That's your job.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
HARD CUT TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FADE IN.
[INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM]
Nick: Shut up. She was not.
Warrick: I saw her in action.
Nick: Really?
Warrick: Yeah, she was.
Nick: Catherine?
(CATHERINE walks into the break room. She smiles.)
Catherine: I was what?
Warrick: I was just telling Nick how you were a big bully in high school.
Catherine: A bully? All right, I guess I was. But, I mean, not the kind that people want to take a g*n out and sh**t.
Warrick: No.
Nick: No, no. You were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress.
Catherine: (smiling) Like you, Nick, huh?
(CATHERINE puts a hand on NICK'S shoulder for emphasis. Oh, yeah. NICK gets her meaning. She smiles. He moves to sit down.)
Catherine: Oh, Nick ... what were you in high school?
Nick: Me? I was, uh ... I was "dependable".
Catherine: Dependable.
Nick: Mm-Hmm ..
Catherine: Dependable jock, Dependable stoner?
Nick: No. Never a strap, never a smoker. Just all-around "dependable" guy, I guess.
Warrick: What Nick's trying to say he was unpopular.
(CATHERINE laughs.)
Nick: I was popular with the right people, I can tell you that. I can also tell you what I wasn't. I wasn't a mac daddy wannabe with a Members Only jacket, putting his swerve on all the ladies.
Warrick: What was wrong with those Members Only jackets? They were kind of cool back in the day.
(SARA walks in and lingers at the doorway.)
Sara: Hey, Nick. Ronnie's got something on Liquid Man, says it's hot.
Nick: Good.
(NICK gets up to leave.)
Warrick: Hey, Sara. What were you in high school?
Sara: Science nerd.
(NICK passes SARA in the doorway and stops. He leans in a bit.)
Nick: You changed ... (whispers) But you still smell.
(He heads out and down the hallway, calling back to SARA: )
Nick: Let's go!
Catherine: So that leaves you, Warrick. What were you?
Warrick: Oh, I was short, I had big feet, thick glasses.
Catherine: You?
Warrick: Yeah. I got pushed around by all the guys and never got any play from the girls ...
Catherine: The girls didn't even notice your eyes?
Warrick: No, they used to tease me about my eyes. Called me names.
Catherine: Aww ... Well, what do they know? They're your best feature.
Warrick: I didn't have a best feature in high school. Looking back on it now I can say I could see both sides of it thinking about this guy Barry Schickel, and how he was sh*t and whichever kid did it. I'm not saying it was right, but I kind understand, you know?
Catherine: Yeah.
(Camera cuts to outside the break room looking in through the glass at CATHERINE and WARRICK sitting around the table talking. The camera pulls back.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - QUESTIONED DOCUMENTS -- RONNIE LITRE'S OFFICE/LAB]
(Close up of the match book cover. Nothing but white on the screen.)
(Camera cut to RONNIE LITRE looking through a microscope/machine and fiddling with the knobs. They are all wearing plastic goggles.)
Ronnie Litre: I wanted to hold off on this matchbook until it dried out, but then I realized ...
Nick: ... Human fat never dries out, it just gets waxy.
Ronnie Litre: Exactly. What I'm doing is adding pixels at some points and erasing pixels at other points.
(RONNIE works on the machine while SARA and NICK watch the screen. With every adjustment, more and more writing can be seen on the matchbook cover.)
Ronnie Litre: Got it.
Sara: (reading) "Roma ..." "Roman ... nini's..." Never heard of it.
Nick: I have. Nightclub for boomers off the strip. (to RONNIE) Thanks, man.
Ronnie Litre: You bet.
(NICK and SARA leave.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE Q.D. - CONTINUOUS]
(NICK and SARA exit Q.D. NICK puts on his jacket.)
Det. O'Riley: Hey, Stokes. Your "W. Cartsen"?
Nick: Yeah?
(DET. O'RILEY hands NICK a file. NICK opens it to reveal a young photograph of William Cartsen. He hands the photo to SARA.)
Det. O'Riley: He's a second lieutenant William Cartsen. Served in the w*r, wounded in action. Got sent stateside after they put him back together. They put a pin in his spine and a plate in his head 31 years ago. Walked out of the hospital, hasn't been heard of since.
(NICK closes the file.)
Nick: Okay. Come with us.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(CATHERINE conducts a test using the orange spray paint. She sprays some paint onto a locker and using a stop watch, she times how long it takes for it to dry. She makes her notes on a nearby pad on a clipboard. She watches as the orange paint drips down the locker door.)
(When she's through, she stops the watch and looks at it.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - LAB]
(WARRICK takes a small sample of a white liquid from an Erlenmeyer flask and puts it in a small brown-colored bottle. He caps the bottle and puts it in a machine along with other bottles.)
(He starts the machine. It picks up the bottle and starts to process it. WARRICK looks up and sees GRISSOM standing in the doorway. He's holding a large glass jar.)
Warrick: What's the matter, you don't trust me?
Grissom: I trust you.
(The printer prints the test results. WARRICK looks at it.)
Warrick: I got a boatload of chemical components here. Marijuana, bubble gum, cigars. It's like every guy's bathroom in America.
Grissom: (rhetorically) What doesn't belong?
(GRISSOM walks into the lab and past WARRICK. WARRICK nods his head slowly as he considers the question.)
CUT TO:
[INT. ROMANINI'S -- ENTRANCE]
Manager Of Romanini's: How can I help you people?
Det. O'Riley: Valet guy said you're the Manager. Detective O'Riley, Las Vegas P.D. Stokes and Sidle from the Crime Lab.
Manager Of Romanini's: Crime Lab? What's going on?
Det. O'Riley: This man a patron of your establishment? Name's William Cartsen.
(DET. O'RILEY holds out the old black and white photograph of WILLIAM CARTSEN for the manager to look at.)
Manager Of Romanini's: Not that I recognize. No.
Nick: Are you sure you haven't seen him around here? Wore an army jacket, might've been down on his luck?
Manager Of Romanini's: Oh, you mean "Moses".
Nick: Moses?
Manager Of Romanini's: Yeah. Guy had a beard down to here, wore a robe, the army jacket. Stood out here scaring every patron I had.
(Quick flashback to WILLIAM CARTSEN pushing a group of patrons aside. Flash to white. Close up of WILLIAM CARTSEN speaking to the group of patrons.)
William Cartsen (Moses): Hey! The whole world is watching.
(Flash to white. WILLIAM CARTSEN waving his arms about wildly and scaring the group of patrons.)
William Cartsen (Moses): Bidi dou! Bidi dou!
(Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume present. Camera on the MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S.)
Manager Of Romanini's: Guy was ruining my business.
Det. O'Riley: So what'd you do?
Manager Of Romanini's: I tried to reason with him.
(Quick flashback to the manager holding up his hand to calm "MOSES" down.)
Manager Of Romanini's: Hey! Hey, buddy, you've g t to leave my customers alone, okay?
(He holds out a gambling chip for Moses.
Manager Of Romanini's: Here. Cash that and move on.
("MOSES" takes the chip. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume present on the MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S.)
Manager Of Romanini's: That's the last I saw of him.
Sara: When was that?
Manager Of Romanini's: I don't know. About two months ago.
Sara: That's funny we found his body. Coroner says he's been d*ad two months.
Det. O'Riley: We're going to want you to take a little ride with us.
Manager Of Romanini's: Okay.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(GRISSOM is along in a room. He's working on a laptop, setting up a graphic depiction of the crime scene. From the initial b*llet lodged in the bathroom wall, he sets up a scenario of what happened in the bathroom at the time of the m*rder.)
(BRASS enters the room.)
Brass: I checked out those kids you talked to. None of them was even near the school when Barry Schickel was k*lled ...
(CATHERINE enters the room.)
Brass: The only one who doesn't check out is Dennis Fram.
Catherine: There's a reason. I can put him at the crime scene. Jim, can you call them from the car?
Brass: Sure, let's go.
(BRASS leaves the room. CATHERINE turns to follow, but stops when GRISSOM asks: )
Grissom: Put him there, how?
Catherine: Oh ... well. I'll explain on the way.
Grissom: No, no. I'm going stay here ... with this, close to Warrick.
Catherine: Okay. But you'll miss all the fireworks.
(CATHERINE leaves. Camera holds on GRISSOM who goes back to work on his laptop.)
CUT TO:
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT]
[INT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT]
Mr. Fram: I know I must sound like the typical parent, but my son had nothing to do with the death of the Schickel boy.
Catherine: We've placed him at the m*rder.
Mr. Fram: What?
(CATHERINE places a photograph on the table of the spray paint smudge of the locker. The photograph also contains measurements (in cm) running across the top and down the left side.)
CATHERINE Here's the fingerprint that I recovered from Dennis' locker. (She places a fingerprint card on the table.) These are Dennis' prints on file at school -- the Missing Kids Prevention Drive. There's a match.
Mr. Fram: Well, his own fingerprints on his own locker that doesn't prove anything.
Catherine: Proves a timeline. The alkyd particles in the victim's spray paint adhere and dry in 30 seconds.
(CGI POV of orange paint being sprayed on a locker door surface. Camera moves up close to the spray to show a magnified view of the rough surface turning from a shiny orange (wet) to a hard-brownish orange (dry). Flash to white. End of CGI POV.)
Catherine: Oxidation. Dennis had to have swiped the paint within seconds of Barry putting it on his locker for his print to take.
Mr. Fram: Well, how do you know ... ?
Catherine: The janitor.
(CATHERINE places a "Las Vegas School District Graffiti Log" on the table. The log contains information regarding date, time, location and fourth column. The log page is nearly 3/4 filled.)
Catherine: He keeps timed records of graffiti. Job security. And Dennis left paint on the door jamb in the bathroom where Barry was sh*t.
(Quick flash to the orange smudge on the doorjam in the men's bathroom. Flash to white. Close-up of the orange fingerprint.)
Brass: That's the timeline of the m*rder, Mr. Fram. We know every move your son made up until the g*n. That's why we want to see your collection. You're registered as having two dozen w*apon?
(DENNIS begins to have a panic att*ck in his seat. KELSEY FRAM walks into the living room carrying a serving tray full of drinks. )
Kelsey Fram: Denny?
(She notices her brother's discomfort and quickly puts the tray down on the table.)
Dennis Fram: Ow ...
Kelsey Fram: It's okay, it's okay. Come on. We'll fix it.
(KELSEY FRAM helps DENNIS out of the room. CATHERINE gets up to follow.)
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
Warrick: This... does not belong in a guy's bathroom. Can we prove this? I mean there's got to be a thousand different brands of this stuff out there.
Grissom: You still got that $10,000 e-nose you were using?
Warrick: Oh. Now you want my tricked-out toy.
Grissom: I just want the software.
(WARRICK hands GRISSOM the software. GRISSOM holds it up and grins.)
CUT TO:
[INT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - BATHROOM -- NIGHT]
(KELSEY FRAM holds out a spoonful of medicine for DENNIS to swallow. CATHERINE appears in the doorway. She watches as KELSEY takes care of her brother.)
Kelsey Fram: Come on, drink up. Here you go. Good. (She hands him a cold towel.) Just hold this to your face, okay? I'll be right back.
(She turns around and finds CATHERINE in the doorway.)
Kelsey Fram: He's got a bleeding ulcer from being bullied by Barry Schickel.
(Quick Flashback to DENNIS FRAM riding his skateboard on the pavement at school. BARRY SCHICKLE hits him in the face. DENNIS goes down on the pavement. BARRY SCHICKLE looms over DENNIS.)
Barry Schickle: Hey, shrimp, want to go for a ride?
(Several Flashes of a crowd of students standing around and laughing. End of flashback. Resume on CATHERINE.)
Kelsey Fram: You don't know how hard it was for him every morning trying to work up the courage just to go to school.
(Quick flashback of DENNIS FRAM throwing up in the bathroom. In the background, KELSEY peers around the wall to see her brother suffer. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Kelsey Fram: I thought my little brother was going to k*ll himself.
Catherine: And then someone k*lled Barry.
Kelsey Fram: (nods) Yeah.
Catherine: How tall are you?
Kelsey Fram: Five-four ... with heels. Why?
Catherine: No reason.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(Close up of laptop screen. Camera moves to the larger wall screen hooked up to the computer. GRISSOM hits "enter". Various colored bars pop up in a single graph-like formation.)
Grissom: You grabbed a top note of "floral" and now we ask the software to break it into ingredients. Do you recognize any of these?
Warrick: That's all from one perfume?
Grissom: Some of these perfumes have, like, 750 ingredients.
(The computer beeps as it finishes the analysis. The following results screen appears on the bottom under the bar-graph: )
[CHEMICAL NAME / EUCLIDEAN DISK
= > CHEMICAL COMPOUND ANALYSIS RESULTS:
>>> "CHANTEUSE " <<< (BLINKING)]
Grissom: "Chanteuse."
Warrick: We can narrow it down to one brand?
Grissom: Yeah, the original application for this program was perfume companies. You know, testing new brands stealing from the competition.
(A cell phone rings interrupting the discussion. GRISSOM answers.)
Grissom: (to phone) Grissom.
INTERCUT WITH:
[EXT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT]
Catherine: (to phone) Grissom, we got a suspect. But it's not who you think.
Grissom: (to phone) Let me guess. Denny Fram's sister?
Catherine: (to phone) How did you know?
Grissom: (to phone) Vapor molecules. See if you can get a warrant for her perfume and have Brass bring her in.
Catherine: (to phone) Her perfume?
CUT TO:
[INT. OFFICE -- DAY]
Brass: Let's get back to my first question, Miss Fram. Where were you the night Barry Schickel was k*lled?
Kelsey Fram: I told you, I was out driving around.
Brass: So what, your perfume just wafted into the boys' room all the way from highway 10?
Kelsey Fram: Yes. I wear Chanteuse. What's that got to do with anything? My mom used to wear it and ... after her car accident I started to wear it.
Warrick: Well, aromas have fingerprints. They're like a unique combination of vapor molecules that linger in the air, long after the source has gone.
Grissom: We isolated a combination in the restroom where Barry Schickel was sh*t. It matches your perfume.
Catherine: A high-end woman's perfume. It's doubtful that any other girl at the school wears it.
Mr. Fram: Wait, wait, wait ... She has no reason to hurt Barry Schickel.
Catherine: What about revenge for her little brother?
Mr. Fram: I can't believe this. That bastard Schickel dogged my family, now he's doing it from the grave. Come on, Kelsey. (to GRISSOM) You come near us again, you do it through my lawyer.
(The FRAMS leave.)
Catherine: Wears her d*ad mother's perfume. Nice touch.
Grissom: Might be true. Scent triggers memory more acutely than any of the five senses.
Catherine: Yeah? Well, I smell a rat in the Fram family.
FADE TO BLACK.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM]
Sara: So you didn't hurt him. You just put him in your car. Is that what you're saying?
Manager Of Romanini's: Back seat. Then I drove him out of town. I left him on the side of the road, out by Red Rock.
Nick: You didn't maybe zip him up in a bag because he was giving you trouble ... anything like that?
Manager Of Romanini's: (Laughing) No.
(SARA pulls out two photographs.)
Sara: These ... are the handles from the bag that he was found in.
(PHOTO 1 of the handle contains the following writing:
SS#1
2001-14794)
(PHOTO 2 has a measuring guide on it along side the handle.)
Sara: You see these prints here?
Nick: Can I see your right hand, sir?
(NICK brings out a finger print machine. MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S starts to look nervous.)
Manager Of Romanini's: Look, he was drunk. He was rolling all over my backseat. So I put him in a bag from my trunk. Once we got out of town, I just tipped him down the hill.
(Flash to white. Quick flashback of body in bag rolling down the hill. flash to white. bag bouncing down the hill and landing on the bottom. Flash to white. The MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S calmly standing at the top of the hill, looking around. Flash to white. Resume to present.)
Manager Of Romanini's: I figured he'd get out once he slept it off. The guy always shows up. What am I looking at?
Det. O'Riley: Homicide.
Manager Of Romanini's: Look, I was just doing my job.
Nick: Hey ... treating another human being like garbage is not a job. It's a choice.
(NICK and SARA leave the room.)
CUT TO:
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY]
(WARRICK, GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk down the hallway. They turn the corner and see DENNIS FRAM standing there.)
Warrick: Paperwork. Later.
(WARRICK leaves.)
Catherine: Dennis?
Dennis Fram: I need to talk to you.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM]
Dennis Fram: You have to understand anything my sister did was to protect me.
Grissom: You said that you went back to the high school that night after target practice.
Dennis Fram: I forgot a book I needed for homework. And I knew Barry had been there.
(Quick flashback. DENNIS FRAM rubbing the orange paint on his locker. End of flashback. Resume on DENNIS FRAM.)
Dennis Fram: I wasn't looking for him. I had to go to the bathroom.
(Quick flashback to DENNIS FRAM opening the men's bathroom door. He walks into a stall and leaves behind the orange fingerprint on the stall wall. Flash to white. BARRY SCHICKLE in the same men's bathroom using the urinal and a hand holding a g*n taking aim from behind. The g*n fires. BARRY SCHICKLE turns around and gets h*t three times. DENNIS FRAM in the next stall flinching with every g*n. BARRY SCHICKLE falls to the floor d*ad. DENNIS FRAM tearing out of the bathroom stall. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on GRISSOM.)
Dennis Fram: My dad's freaking out. My sister won't come out of her room. I figure if you can get the police to make some kind of deal for her ...
Catherine: Well, Dennis, you haven't told us that you explicitly saw Kelsey sh**t the victim.
Dennis Fram: She was in a stall. I couldn't see her.
(BRASS enters the room.)
Brass: Can I, uh ... can I talk to you for a minute?
Grissom: Excuse us.
(GRISSOM and CATHERINE leave the room.)
Brass: He copping to anything?
Catherine: He says that his sister did it.
Brass: I don't think so. Kelsey was "otherwise indisposed." She got a parking ticket the same time the vic was sh*t in an alley behind a motel off Fremont street. In fact, a lot of cars got tickets that night.
(BRASS hands one parking ticket to CATHERINE and one parking ticket to GRISSOM. GRISSOM looks down at his ticket.)
Grissom: Who's Jeremy Spencer?
Brass: Football coach.
Catherine: Oh. At a motel with the high school coach. No wonder she wouldn't talk.
Brass: Well, I paid "coach" a visit. The guy's 23, just got engaged. I mean, he'll testify to anything as long as his fiancé doesn't find out. He says that Kelsey gave him a roll in the hay asked him to intercede with Barry-the-bully and get the kid to leave her little brother alone. She didn't k*ll anyone.
Catherine: So why is he saying she did?
Grissom: Do you ever smell a fart and end up blaming the wrong guy?
(GRISSOM walks back into the room where DENNIS FRAM waits.)
Grissom: Why do you think your sister sh*t Barry?
Dennis Fram: Because.
Grissom: Because why?
Dennis Fram: 'Cause of the last time he b*at me up.
(Quick flashback to BARRY SCHICKLE hitting DENNIS FRAM. DENNIS throwing up in the bathroom. KELSEY telling DENNIS: )
Kelsey Fram: I'll protect you. I'll fix things so he never comes near you again.
(Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on DENNIS FRAM.)
Dennis Fram: She always keeps her word.
Grissom: She asked Barry's coach to help you. That was her protection plan. She was nowhere near the high school that night.
Dennis Fram: I smelled her perfume.
(White flash to BARRY SCHICKLE standing in the men's bathroom.)
Dennis Fram: (V.O.) I saw Barry.
(Cut to Camera close up of the barrel of the g*n.)
Dennis Fram: (V.O.) I saw the g*n.
(Cut to Camera close up DENNIS FRAM taking a breath.)
Dennis Fram: (V.O.) And I smelled my sister's perfume.
(Cut to BARRY SCHICKLE getting sh*t and the sounds of three g*n. Cut to DENNIS FRAM turning to run out of the bathroom. End of flashback.)
Grissom: No. You smelled her brand of perfume.
Dennis: But then, who was it?
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
CUT TO:
(Camera close up of a bagged bottle of Chanteuse perfume being placed on the desk top by GRISSOM.)
Grissom: We recovered this from your townhouse on a warrant. Chanteuse.
[INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE - DAY]
(GRISSOM puts a photograph of a g*n on the desk.)
Grissom: We also found the g*n. It hasn't been cleaned.
Julia Barett: Well, I don't know how to clean a g*n. That was my husband's.
Grissom: You know how to sh**t one.
Julia Barett: Do you know how many kids go to school and k*ll just to get relief from the bullying? You talked to them. Boxing lessons and target practice. How long before one of them came in here and opened f*re on a hallway full of kids, huh? I just thought that one life was better than 20 ... or 30.
Grissom: Or eleven. (GRISSOM opens a file.) Captain Brass ran a search on you. Tetrick High School, Tetrick, Arizona. Eleven kids sh*t a few days after Columbine. You were the Assistant Principal.
Julia Barett: I watched them die at my feet. Just because some h*m* couldn't take the jokes about his glasses.
Grissom: It says that you were left with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You might want to mention that to your lawyer.
Julia Barett: I did this for my kids.
Grissom: You know, Miss Barrett as difficult as high school can be for kids, eventually, it's over ... but too soon for Barry Schickel.
(GRISSOM gathers his things and leaves the office. Two officers standing outside the door go in and arrest Ms. Barrett just as the school bell rings and the students start exiting the classrooms into the hallway.)
CUT TO
[INT. SARA'S BATHROOM]
(SARA in the shower washing her hair using lemons to get rid of the smell that plagued her throughout the show.)
INTERCUT WITH:
[INT. CSI -- UNCLAIMED REMAINS VAULT]
(NICK is on the top of the ladder extracting John Doe's metal box of possessions from the file.)
CUT TO:
(SARA in the shower.)
CUT TO:
(Close up of the "TRANSFER TO CITY CEMETERY ORDER FOR RELEASE" Form containing the following information: )
TO: Sheriff-Coroner Order for release of the body of: 2nd Lt. William Cartsen
Coroner: ROBBINS Date: 09/20/01
Case #
Case Reported: Date: 09/18/01 Time: 0830
Decedent Data Name: 2nd Lt. William Cartsen Date of Birth: 2/6/49
Sex: M
(NICK finishes the form and places a hand on the metal box.)
Nick: (quietly) Rest in peace, Lieutenant. Rest in peace.
CUT TO:
[INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT]
(GRISSOM sits behind his desk busy filling out a purchase of requisition form with the following information: )
Mrs. Alder
Phone # (826) 555-1874
Cyranose 320 $10,000
(Electronic Nose)
(He puts it in an envelope to: )
FEDERAL GRANT DEPARTMENT
WASHINGTON, DC 20004
(from) Las Vegas Metro Police
(He begins opening his desk drawers, searching for something.)
(Without a word, CATHERINE walks in, opens a container on his desk and pulls out a roll of stamps. She walks out.)
(WARRICK walks by the office door and sees GRISSOM sealing the envelope. He smiles and walks away.)
(Camera hold on GRISSOM'S look of satisfaction.)
FADE TO BLACK.
End | {"type": "series", "show": "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "episode": "02x04 - Bully for You"} | foreverdreaming |
Subsets and Splits