« Last Podcast On The Left
Episode 382: Mormonism Part IV - I Invented This Scam
2019-09-14 | 🔗
It's the climax of the Joseph Smith portion of the story of Mormonism as we cover the founding of the city of Nauvoo, just what made Joseph Smith believe in polygamy so hard, and the secret rituals of the Mormons, plus the inevitable death of the American Prophet.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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There's no place to escape. Two I'm soaks, begin Mormonism part four yeah, it's kind of like mad. In the same amount of excitement, would it be like sitting complete news on Marble OX and right you're in the temple. You never been there before so you might be like time. Is it the job? Also you're, totally nude right? The cold is making your little bit smaller, but also could provide a lot of excitement. Sitting here, waiting for the anointment and then daddy cums in your daddy then make sure you're such a good, tight little Mormon Acoma, your literal daddy, your actual father 'cause. It's like a kink dot com, daddy. This is your father. This is dad. This is Bob. This is
Mister Kissell. This is banked kiss you have to hit so close to home in there and he wants to make sure your penises so clean, for God Alright has to be clean for God, because you got to me God, who is not even God, God to do right now, I'm just a guy who why don't we have it? Why does it care if my penises, clean 'cause, it's gotta be clean? Why not? You don't get to be king of your own planet Kissel? So, in order for you to be king of your own planet, your daddy to wash your penis and balls, and then you got turn around an old banks. It's got a clean, your hole, till it is so little, uh. So it's like not unlike them, alabaster marble of the oxen that you probably stained with your butt all right! Well, you know what let's just start the show. This is the last podcast on the left. How is everyone doing? I am Ben with Marcus with Henry and we are come,
Do you live from beautiful, foggy London, yeah buddy? I am shooting liquid good, which I guess is called the breakfast tea here absolutely uhm. I had a bit of that. My wife loves it, and you got a bit of the warm Guinness runs actually feels like it's more of the Guinness Skwat Walks, it's a bit. Alright, we're on to Mormonism Part four. So when we last left Joseph Smith. He was still splitting his time between Kirtland Ohio, Ann Missouri, building the foundations for religion whose membership today roughly equals that of the populations of New York City, LOS Angeles, an Chicago So combine. Remember that, as we go into detail of how this religion was founded in Kirtland, in particular, Joseph Smith was trying to build an honest to God Temple three stories of stone with two auditoriums and twelve puppets, because a man of God without a house of warship was just a comment,
preacher. It's like if Steven Tyler didn't have a mic stand for us to be a grandmother. A lot of scarves, I understand sure, and by one thousand eight hundred and thirty six, the Temple was damn near finished, but Joseph had made a slight miscalculation. Although the Temple had Help establishes new religion as legit. He had also attached a ball Z prophecy to the end of it construction. I thought you were going to say he forgot to put in bathrooms, which that would be what I would call a construction blooper, but they got the big bathtubs and then use motion all down the drain. You remember Kissel Hill course in order to get his people motivated Joseph, had told his congregants that the completion of the temp will coincide with the establishment of the city of Zion, but the Missouri Mormons were still scattered nasty rumors were starting to swirl in Kirtland that threatened to ruin Joseph Smith. You remember from last episode. They got kicked out of Jackson County in a part of the caveat. Well, that was that you guys can come back, but you have to buy your
and double the price would Joseph Smith said well, basically, was that I promise you guys gaurantee GA, why that I will make that money and we will get the money as soon as this temple is erected. Yes, as soon as the Missouri Mormons take on the Harlem globetrotters it'll be a fifty dollars ticket and, dare I say you're lose it wasn't just the Temple that was hanging over Joseph hat. As I said, there were a lot of nasty rumor. Swirling, around Kirtland Ohio seats thought that it was in this place in eighteen, thirty, five that the first seeds of polygamy were planted all because Joseph Smith
it's just a little too horny for his own good old allergy. It's a good way to put it the first seeds of polygamy, yes, yeah we're just fucking place so deep by the filthy, dirty fingers of Joseph Smith. Seeing that year many thank Joseph made. Seventeen year old, Fanny Alger, his first plural wife. I love the Plural wife yeah, because it's so much better than like sister wife, like plural, sounds like the government like made. You have right sounds like Michael Keaton's character in multiplicity found a female who also had multiplicity, and then they had a whole bunch of sex, good hotel, well, plural, wife, at the very least, is how the affair with Fanny Alger was later justified. See Fanny was an orphan girl taken in by Joseph Smith's wife Emma because
you can say whatever you want about the Mormons at the very least, they did actually adhere to many of the teachings of Jesus Christ that so many of his so called followers conveniently ignore today hold one. Second, are we talking about Joseph Smith or are we just? Are we talking about Woody Allen, exact same story? We are both creative powerhouses really defined the sex symbol for a generation. He showed me just raise a wife you going to make a great husband, so it was wild fanny with with the Smiths that Joseph seduced her and began a brief affair. But when the whole affair went, sour, Fanny was driven out of the church for good and some of Joseph's longest serving followers were none too happy about this. Among the most vocal of dissenters was Oliver Cowdery, who had been one of the original translators of the golden plates. Oliver
excommunicated for criticizing Joseph for the affair, even though cattery said he saw Joseph and Fanny Fuckin' draw. I didn't really appreciate the fact that you made me watch you loved it. When we did it, we did the London Bridge is falling down, and then we did the Eiffel tower. With that guy I met with Harvey, remember the fence fixing. Then we did the Guinness fountain he likes, but although Fanny Alger's role in history was later rewritten to say that she had actually been Joseph's first, plural life rather than just a teenager. He seduced Joseph was still spurred to revelation by this incident with him, and she I would love to hear the Starr report on this affair in November of eighteen, thirty, five God supposedly told, Joseph that Mormon wives were commanded to essentially let their husbands do whatever they wanted. The revelation read in part here this y'all
This is straight: legit wives submit them to your own husbands, as unto the Lord, but the husband is the head of the wife. Even as Christ is the head of the church, wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord and all I'd like to add women be shopping. Sounds like something doctor dieter laser would say the three people before he makes them a human centipede, just weird that you could just like fucka seventeen year old. That was your dog.
And everyone gets all fuckin' mad about it. But then you can just tell them. I had a one sided conversation with. God told me. It was super cool that we're we have to do it yeah you gotta fucking. Do it too, like you, don't want to fuck all these children around here, buddy yeah, like you, don't write. In other words, Joseph was starting to figure out that it was much easier and much more convenient to change the laws of marriage than it was to Tom CAT around his congregations and, more importantly, his wifes
until the day he died. So this is the power of the male erection. It was easier to change his whole religion than to keep it in his past. There's a lot of people to do maybe believe that this has something to do with some kind of some form of carbolic teaching that he understood, but I'll get into it. A little bit more detail later on, ok, but polygamy was not just created to justify Joseph Smith shrinking attraction towards his chosen wife Emma. You think this is just because I'm a god of mad all the time. I think polygamy was really. He just didn't want to fuck him anymore, but then just got I love being married beginning how many weddings you gonna have any wedding. A stressful, it's expensive, but polygamy also served a very real, very cults Sific problem in the Mormon Church see sometimes a married person, swallow the narative from a cult leader hold, but their spouse just don't get it. Are you purposely just put
in all of these sexual puns, I've heard shrinkage swallow and see. This is just you do 'cause. I did not do any of that on purpose, or maybe it's just a subconscious that alone for two weeks, and I think that we do have some subconscious like. I am also very horning. You have been in a lot of different, I'm going to say. Instead, juices that Marcus and I like well when you've got a spot. One spouse that believes in the cult leader and one spouse that doesn't it belief in the story is strong enough. The person who believes sometimes Willoughby and in their spouse in favor of their new chosen leader. Now this isn't really a problem. If you're joining caught like Scientology that lives entirely outside the christian belief structure, but if you're Mormon then you're, unfortunately bound by biblical rules dude, it's like just even if I could have an afternoon with germ hanging out with Jeremy Renner he's got
boy keys on the guitar, which is kind of funny, that themes keys right, we've got everybody around him. Plugging a couple guys ready boxing yeah Shreddy PETE, he's on the steel drums, but no Jeremy Renner thrown on that gave that short for reggae and you're hanging out with him. It's like we're going to do this like yes, my wife is, you know like I love Natalie, but you spend a couple of days with the renter, of course, pure heterosexual man. It is just being around Hawkeye. It's got it just start driving you wild and even though any bond can be shattered by that score, some Smith, Joseph Smith, fairly handsome too, like the we saw him death mask and see he would hit a nice nice shape now.
Really nice little kind of Dolph allies and he's spoken telling you all sorts of stuff about the Kovalik Fuqing celestial Mount marriages that he's going to throw down on it, and maybe he also invented eating Pussey there. It is ok, compelling guy, interesting man. Well, as we know, Joseph Smith was clever with interpretation an he knew that the Bible was a sword that could cut both ways. So he found a road to polygamy that went straight through the old testament, using the examples of Abraham and countless others who took more than one wife. Creatively interpreted this line from exodus and of a man in Tyson made that it's not betrothed and lie with her. We shall surely endow her to be his wife interested if you think about Jesus and the twelve apostles flip, it would if they were chicks, cool from that line, Joseph deduced that adultery was not in fucking butt in the leafy
hold on a second. What was that line, and if I then in Tyson made that is not betrothed and lie with her. He shall surely endow her to be is why he's got a Mary you're. The bad thing is leaving or after yeah the you can have sex with that's totally cool. God wants you to do the okay you're supposed to get married after work? Actually, you have to get married before yeah you have to have. You can have sex with any woman. You want to just so long as you may read them before you did so, and although the widespread practice of polygamy within Mormon is I'm with still about five years away, Joseph Smith also new, more wives meant more children, which naturally meant more mormons. You can do. Basically you make your own following and once these people are born in its home, easier. Then you're, locked in your family is locked in that's what Scientology understood about getting the whole family. Catholicism did the same shit in Ireland idea of display just like no condoms, no problem everybody's pumping out
many babies is because the that's followers, but it also puts towards the kubalak idea of the heavenly father and mother, the male and female, HAWK Mondina right, God's first emanated forms from the ultimate like back God, the dos version of God. The idea is that these gods came from the nothingness or everything this and they fucked and made whole new. So now you're starting to see there is a literal, the above and as all of which is create more fucking children to create more Mormons and then there's the below, which is a spiritual creation of time. We have a baby, we've made a new Mormon Planet, but this really is just an extension of how farmers have kids to take of the farm yeah I like to ease just creating his own labor force yeah, but he's just crazy he's creating a religion he's creating like an entire community, because a do you honestly think back would have become a scientologist he was born in two
making crazy sounds that could go either way. Uniforms are still fun, I'm still on the fence about Scientology being bad. Now, at this time, it's a fun idea. You could go boat Lrh as plain as you glalie you gotta choir. You can join it's kind of you know back in the day, it was fun, I'm not sure a chubby man playing a ukulele e with the choir on a boat. I know it's I like the Edinburgh Fringe, show they fuckin'. No one wants to go, I mean for some people the idea of Xenu is laughable, but for other people I think Beck is like I'm salt yeah. I love it, but even so Joseph Smith still had to issue a proclamation in eighteen, thirty five following the Fanny Alger rumors that the Mormons were definitely not came on you thinking such a thing. You This does seem like an oddly specific denial for the time,
but in those days experimenting with sexual relationships and screwing around the institution of marriage was fairly among the minor christian sex. John Humphrey Noyes of the perfectionist centrally wrote in eighteen. Thirty, six that The marriage supper of the Lamb is a feast at which every dishes is free to every guest I love your analogy. Are you hungry? Can you smell it? Just it's your again, I'm going to put your mother kiss alone. Why are you doing this to myself on a platter cover with mint jelly? All my neighborhood is invited to just jayananda, sweet trump of your sweet, sweet mother. So don't do that to my mother's, a lovely woman and when this statement was published in a newspaper called the
Philadelphia battleaxe, that is fucking awesome, the great newspaper name, but when they went that was published, like people freaked out and Joseph Smith was paying attention all of us. It's weird, though, because he was doing it. It became such an institutionalized part of early Mormonism Mormonism, but he had the wherewithal to know This is an inside thing saying, like you, just kind of have to be on the inside, which is a part of also his basic understanding of the secret schools, and that we have secret privileged knowledge like yes, the public can't handle that were fucking everybody's wives. They can't fucking handle it, because it's too ruby right, close to the actual reformed word of God. Yes, in the meantime, though, Joseph Smith was just trying to keep Mormonism alive, while he was going around in Kirtland. Trying to get his temple built, the Mormons in Missouri were being shuffled from county to county. No Mormon could set foot,
in Jackson, county anymore, without being literally beaten to death and the people in Clay County who have been sympathetic towards the Mormons after the Jackson, county attacks had gotten their fill as well. Eventually, though, Mormons founded a city of their own in Missouri called Far West, which would, at its peak boast one hundred buildings and five thousand Mormons. Why, in this city, was all built with out Joseph Smith's guidance in any way whatsoever? Okay, It's a part of this, the lock that he's doing this in the frontier time senior people already organizing and forming their own cities, because I but part of me, that's why I keep bringing back to like the hermetic teachings. That may be Joseph Smith had at some point, because he tapped into such a vein that people got inspired by young people were jumping at this Mormonism shipped to the point where they are forming their building right in constructing an entire city without him, in there as the center without him like giving,
prophecies or revelations in front of them, or is it just that they were like? Well we're just We got a Mormon hat song like in that reality. Is it's like it's like I'm, not a member of the Baltimore Ravens. I just have the jersey on it so happened to be. Building funding shantytown. Well, as Bruce Springsteen says you can't start a fire without a match. Wait, you can't start blades without a spark. You can't start on the Amazon fire, that's all I know I think he said we can't start the show without a writer. Well, I think what the Mormons were doing. It's kind of like when you take a long road trip to a dumb destination like where you just have somewhere? You have a goal you have somewhere in mind and that something that they had was Mormonism like Mormonism brought them out there that brought them out there and it inspired them and it kept them going gave
something to do. I wouldn't something to believe in in that extremely difficult time. I would just recommend, so you don't have to begin and start and build a cult just go to like a hotel shaped like a boot and then when you get there, you like sucks as a hotel, not a lot of room here, but it's about the journey. Yeah Joseph Smith would eventually end up in far West, but it took a series of massive fuckups in Ohio to get him there. Really. The beginning of the end for the Mormons in Ohio came when Smith decided to start his bank. This mother Funker had You know how he sat down with these balls. I don't know he has these they're, so I well again. This is also maybe just the power of America that Bro just being him
be inspired by a spirit when you go out there and he was like we are up to our fucking brain lids in debt. We need money. He's like how do I get money? I get money make up my own money boom. Well, I mean it's: that dumb of an idea, four of the time you see, although the Mormons were growing, the people they were converting were poor. They just did not have money. So Joseph was forced to borrow large sums of money to build. The two Ball and keep the religion go and what is money anyway market I mean the money, just it's just hey rich paper and you'll you'll see that right to be to spend my my when you sign your driver's license, if you don't find your driver's license guys I
I don't find anything. I do everything with the next. I don't even read. Ok, well, student Alex Jones. It's been great, having you in our sociology class, but others are what is an a, but three lines is a baby, but three long. Well, you got an f three liberian hyper, yes see by one thousand, eight hundred and thirty six Joseph was fifty. One thousand dollars in debt in eighteen, thirty money. I don't even know how much money that is now so Joseph Smith founded the Kirtland safety, society, bank company and appointed Sidney Rigdon as president, while Joseph appointed himself as the low Litella
I'm just the teller, I wouldn't know that's above bought my pay grade. I know this money is made out of barley, corn, hi, Jim Guide. You work the draw. That's all. I do very smart, though very smart and after the bank was established. The Mormons began printing, their own money, which was a common. If short lived, practice for front tier banks in the eight teen 30s before the whole print, your own money scheme came crashing down. 'cause you there's not fuckin' Wells Fargo branch out there, like you, need you're out there on the frontier there's a lot of commerce happening it. It's all happening extremely fast. You need thanks, but also they showed that money is fake right. It's all about the belief you have actually in the bills that you then it back. Then it did actually means something yeah, because you would get with that. What that you were supposed to be able to do is you would get this banking note on this bank that was save for ten dollars and you could go to the bank.
Give them ten dollars the ten dollars note, and they will give you ten dollars in gold or silver or whatever, but The Mormons did not run their bank like that. What do you mean the deer and it like it was a total fucking scam. Well, the first problem came when Ohio refused to incorporate the bang so Joseph took the banknotes had already printed and stamped the prefix anti in front of the word bank, making his notes say: Kirtland, safe, society. Anti banking companies that you find me bank that must exist and aunt. Bank. That is the only way reality is. You know I spoke to God, and he told me you just get stamps boy and I was like whatever you want, God you be crazy and it was with these notes that Joseph Smith paid off his debts. Now this would have been fine. It is if, like I said, the banknotes have been backed by a safe,
full of gold and silver an when you went and looked in the ball. You could see boxes that appeared to be filled with what kind of ideological he was even get these trunks in here he responsible. I mean five old women. Do it just for them to understand just how much money We? What ex Mormons later said was that, underneath that top layer of coins was just a bunch and now it's almost like so symbolic, my brain hurts yeah, that's great good for him. By the time these rumors got out, though Joseph had already circulated thirty six thousand dollars in Bocas notes. Look at it. I mean I feel like I did this guy, I had a little bit of run with something like to call it. Let's say creative checking that I did in college for awhile, where you just get a bunch of groceries and then you gotta check 'cause. You could do that back in there around two thousand. You can write a check and then just kind of thing.
Crash course happens. Then they try to find it. But then it's too late you are to eat all the food of court. Make you sleepy no 'cause, then he's like. Oh, we gotta return all his food and they get really mad. If you just bring a bucket, a shaft salute Lee. It's like paying your taxes with pennies and because of this because of the thirty six thousand and bogus notes, Joseph's house of cards fell apart less than a month after bank first opened its doors. I mean he literally went against the Bible. Scripture of not building your house on this, and he just like took me like well, it's under house it's a bank. Thirteen lawsuits were brought against Joseph Smith, resulting in seven arrests in four months for unpaid debts that now totaled one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then came a revelation, Justin Unbelievable God told Joseph that it would have to be his Kong
against who would pay his personal debts. These this god really seem We looking out for number one really isn't that interesting really has a friend in his version of God wow and while a lot of the congregants were poor men like parley, Pratt, Mitt, Romney's, Grand Father, Ann Sylvester Smith, they did have money, they had land, but for them even this is a bridge too far, they're like no I'm not Bing, paying your debts yeah, but God told you to yeah yeah scared, I'm scared! Now what? If I wash your butt hole, I'm going to save that for a couple of years and then you'll see how much you like from when I wash your butt hole body Pratt, I'm going to keep it nice and dirty for you, so Joseph did what he always did when things got rough. He left on a mission in waited for things to cool down, but when he returned from his trip to Canada, he found that the church had split in his absence. Many had stayed loyal to Joseph, but a good number
including David Whitmer, all over Calgary and poor Martin Harris the guys who would help to translate the golden plates. They were now following young girl who claimed to be able to tell the future by staring into a magical, Blackstone and so fucking fast going to be sold. Yeah mad. These people, you've been working. All set, a new hot comic shows up show up. There, you've been working so hard. You been, you know you, you just get bumped next thing, you know you're just as sitting there at the bar we're getting hammered. Even Margaret Cho for twenty years ago, suddenly show up Aqua, FINA Snowden Parkway to catch gotta, be incredible of her just being like. Yes, I can see any future. All of you The penny penniless that's a reactor, little girl, amazing. Altergeist nailed it. The final straw for Joseph and Ohio came when a major warrant for
banking fraud finally arrived in an angry mob, made up of creditors and Ex Mormons burned down the building where the bank had printed it honey. These people were not fucking around. No America was serious, nude yeah, I actually they would. You show up, I think, there's a part of me really misses this idea. Yeah, I'm actually very proud of these creditors just be like yeah. I mean you, don't think we're strong, but indeed we might be nerds, but we will burn down your house that's about what they could get away with it, and it's old school just showing up being like bank defrauded me None of that night, Joseph Smith, was chased out of town by an angry mob who followed him for two hundred miles it's a white person shades running low in on dealing here with a huge beard. He is talk about this great, proper cardio.
He is ran as an been run out of Soma he's a cab. This must be incredible. Absolutely stronger than Forrest Gump, yeah Jason for two hundred miles before they finally gave up and went home CJ's soon after the six hundred remaining Mormons left Kirtland as well, and the town that had once rivaled the great city of Cleveland fell back into obscurity. Meanwhile, Joseph was as always, sidestepping and in, and the people of Far West believed that God had made the bank fail in order to return his profit Missouri and Joseph followed their lead. Yeah, that's exactly! What's going to happen, I meant, if this, you guys forty chest, It's only about playing that game that you don't even know where playing you even think we're playing forty chests, but I'm actually playing seventy sorry. So isn't that something will ponder
in Far West. For the first time he proclaimed the land to be the valley where Adam and Eve went after their expulsion from Eden, and the Mormons had chosen the exact spot where Cain had murdered, able to build their city. It's I'm like if Busch Gardens were centered around the Bible. You've got Adam and Eve Land, you've, gotta Cain and Abel, and, and it was, I really think it was. Let me taste it taste, some of the dirt right here Adam and Eve Schitt right here and although the town was called Far West, officially Joseph Smith name that a DOM own die on Mon, so that it works so well on a city sign. Yes, all the city planners were so happy that change all the signs from far West too. Adamm. Only among rolls off the tongue and with the Mormons had a settlement that was solely there's rather than a place where others had already settled, but because they were in their own town.
Didn't mean they weren't still in Missouri, and the Mormons still had a reputation for being abolitionist Yankees in a fiercely pro slavery state the defendant said conviction with deadly violence, plus the memory of the Mormons forcible removal from Jackson. County was still fresh in the minds of Joseph's people, so Smith chose a man named Sampson Avard to form a defensive military body. This guy was very he was super super into it. He loved being named the admiral of a fucking army, immediately, which basically just farmers, but that's the America. Filled it in you got a gun and you gotta flag. You are an army yeah, you got a chance to be one, but since it still had to be done under the auspices of their religion Joseph structured, the army, as a series of secret, fraternal societies. There were the brothers of Gideon the daughters, Zion, the sons of Dan and the infamous danites,
tons of Dan. Are such a fucking problem the way they keep setting off fireworks in my grandmother's house. I know it really is ridiculous. It's not even July fourth, but I thought it was reading about this subject was pretty good subject the it seems like it's sort. It started informally the secret groups right, where they kind of became a understanding and in the we're doing a hand shakes when they have their own ways of communicating, but it seems to create a press for more secret groups to be apart of Mormonism from now on, and there would always be something like the danites, the day, night still sort of exists and we're going to see as we track this further into modern times. This concept keeps popping up and seems to create massive problems for Mormonism, except for because of the fact that it is like segmented into a secret group, so they can always go. We didn't know about it, see before all of this before
Dan Nights: when the Mormons had taken their fun little excursion down south to Missouri they've been badly armed, barely trained and poorly led. It was more of a lark than anything else, but that all changed with Samson a bard. He was experienced aggressive and most of all violent man. Not Joseph Smith knew that he needed plausible deniability when it came to a secret military, so he pretty much gave free reign to Sampson Avard. What Avard taught would eventually result in a massacre. Decades later Imagine what Samson could do if you went to one comic con, you could put together a force that would take on the US military see the danites in particular, set the Mormons apart from regular. Folk by claiming that the Mormons were the true House of Israel which all the rest of US gin, meaning that we were lesser than and therefore fair game. I believe it's gentile
gentiles. Yes, it's gentile, so it's kind of because that's what the jewish people call us yeah were gentiles. Joseph Smith says that he repudiated any and all talk that may have led to violence, and he very well may have because Joseph Smith was not an inherently violent man most of the time, unlike Brigham Young, who will cover on the next episode, but Joseph Smith certainly enjoyed the profits of violence and what it did for the Mormons both physically and spiritually. But when you form a secret military society made up of justifiably paranoid people. It's not going to take long before it blows up in your face and that's exactly what happened with the Mormon WAR one thousand eight hundred and thirty, eight in just losing weight, it's about learning, healthier habits and feeling better about yourself, whether that's more stamina, to keep up with your busy life. Finally getting to those gold jeans, your it's not. Someone else is being more
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now all began with a simple fist. Fight on election day, Mormons had traveled to Galatyn Missouri to vote, but have been stopped from entering the polls by settlers. In the altercation, and became physical, a settler knocked a mormon to the ground and the more use the denike hand signal for assistance of middle finger and when was made. Thirty Mormons picked up tree branches and attacked two hundred settlers I think the settlers away, ok by the time where it got back to Far West, though the story had grown into a tale that involved the deaths of two Norman, even though nobody on either side it even been badly hurt, much less killed. But when Joseph Smith heard the news the Mormon Gentile Divide was officially established in the public speech aid. Soon after, if the people will let us alone, we will preach the gospel in peace, but if they come,
off to molest us. We will establish our religion by the sword, we will try in our enemies and make it one Gore of blood from the rocky mountains to the Atlanta, Ocean are will be to this generation or second Mohammed, whose mother even treating for peace was the Koran or the sword, so she, our lead eventually be with us, Joseph Smith or the sword and then he mentioned the axis of evil. I was very interested because a lot of this came to do attention because the Mormons were building up a great big enough population that they were starting to sway local elections. So there was massive anti in Pro Mormon should going on back and forth that we didn't cover in this because you just re, read a book read the breed. No man knows my history. It's fantastic seriously, read it, but there is,
a whole section were basically like Joseph Smith, certain catering to specific politicians to try to use the Mormon population to swing votes to be are getting really mad about it right and with that Far West prepared for a siege, blacksmiths, hammered turnpikes pikes from every available piece of steel in the Mormon Army the whole game. He just your for the music. I am a choir director. Yes, they arrived in Gallatin, ready to fight, but after discovering no one had died. Like the rumor said, they instead marched to the justice of the peace and demanded the signing of a peace agreement between the Mormons and the Missourians. But this just like the story that mobilized, the Mormons morphed into a tale of those intimidation, by the time it reached the establishment. So a circuit court judge named Austin King, whose brother in law had been killed. The Jackson County Mormon Riot, issued a warrant for Joseph Smith, arrest she's,
crazy. Honestly, he showed up with a fuckin' army. He actually got all these dipshits together with a bunch of swords and all his bullets. They hand made. This is there's a part of it where there's a dry layer to history, or you just kind of think about this bullshit. You know you see, this is a factoid, but the more and more I'm rolling around this is like rolling around in my head. It just imagining l or h within the ship, but the ship had for can yeah. There was an actual navy yeah, alright, very aggressive. So after Joseph was arrested, the danites gathered an army of three hundred and fifty men, which again was magnified and rumor to actually be fifteen thousand men is the Blackbeard effect in Missouri Militia fled under the rumors and with the militia out of town, the Mormons plundered, the Gentiles of Galatyn burning cat and stealing livestock before returning to Far West.
It's gone crazy in response. The militia burned every Mormon cabin outside the far West walls word of a battle at crooked or reach Missouri Governor Lilburn, Boggs and Boggs was told that fifty militia members had been killed by Mormons again was just a rumor. All this is all of this is predicated on a warship yeah, okay could have a religion, it's all pretty self twisted into who are tornado of activity. We don't go to war on false pretense never happen ever will happen. Yeah, it's a just, a big game, a telephone. It goes from one guy to the day, because you know you, it's not one messenger. Take it like right now, horse from Gallitzin to independence, like it's one guy right a little bit Telling a guy what happened he goes and tells another guy he goes and tells another guy, and by the time you get from I got to the next. It goes from five Mormons being killed, which was the
actual story. Two hundred and fifty militia members being killed. Okay, but the Mormons had actually burn down houses and when news of both of these incidents reached Lilburn Boggs on the same day, he wrote this command the only one of its kind. In United States history, memorial runs must be treated enemies and must be exterminated or driven from the site is necessary for the public good. They're out rages are beyond all description, and I heard this one story about a girl who could fit her whole fist up inside isn't that something that was, I thought beyond description. Until I went to Paris, France, not so for myself and my god. Even now I will say it is beyond
script. That's crazy! Governor Boggs! Did you want your pants? You want to put your pants on today, no well think about this man. I mean this is the governor of a state issuing an extermination order on a religious group meanwhile Smith had escaped frontier justice once more and had returned to far West, where siege mentality was in full force. Naturally, people were tense and rest. So on one Sunday in particular, Joseph Smith challenged his men to an old fashioned wrestling match. Let's get naked and wrestle he put his foot in indian head dress on, he did the full match. Can't pin me your slippery old profit, Lovett Stone, cold stunners, getting hit mandible claw the mandible claw one by one. The men tried taking down Joseph but Joseph was uh
wrestler. He was like Abraham Lincoln and not a single Mormon could throw Joseph Smith. So finally, Joseph decide and just let the men wrestle each other, and if you want a greater analogy of the world that we live in now compared to the world that was Abraham Lincoln. Is in the NCAA Wrestling Hall of Fame, Donald Trump is in the How do you we just let that sink? It is imperfect analogy for our times they come in and we shouldn't try to let Travis Russell US more often to try to fire them with a raging Travis where he would just our eyes would be gouged. Her nose is, would be ripped off. Just to I mean this is all about inspiring our employees inspiring the people disagree Henry oh, oh yes, I experienced it but Sidney Rigdon, Mormonism's, eternal, wet blanket
payment chastised. The men sword in hand for breaking the Sabbath no come on, come on the little fun come on in response. Joseph knocked the sword from Sydney's hand and said quote: oh man, you must go out or I will throw you down here, YO right. So we had a little hair. He had a little hairy pizazz here, oh yeah man, an when Sidney refused Joseph knocked off his hat ripped his coat and tossed out of the ring. No, he did not go over the top rope and by real rumble really still in the map. Crazy is just get everybody going out there at some point to be like Mister Smith. Are we fighting a war today we're athletic, wear we're from that day forward. Sidney Rigdon follow Joseph Smith unconditionally. Well. Of course, Joseph tried to fuck his daughter a few years later, while the boys were all having fun and far
West, the Missouri militia was making good on the proclamation of Lilburn Boggs, although most Mormons had heeded the warning Joseph Smith that made to retreat inside the walls of far West one stubborn settlement, called HANS Mill refused to leave, if what they built. So when the Missouri militia arrived with a force of two hundred men, the Mormons were slaughtered like animals, the militia picked off from the tree line, making no distinction between the adults and the children and after the Mormons have been mostly subdued. The militia then moved in and finished off the wounded one old man was hacked,
pieces with a corn cutter one nine year old boy was dragged from his hiding place and shot in the head at point. Blank range after one militiaman said knits will make lice all in all out of the thirty eight people who called HANS Mill Home seventeen had been murdered and fifteen had been wounded and, after the militia left, the survivors lowered the dead into an unfinished well and headed towards far West of Joseph Smith knew that although his men were loyal and dedicated, they were no match for the savagery. The Missouri militia was ready to dole out so Joseph privately told one of his men to go to the local general. An quote beg like a dog for peace. Publicly, though Smith sang a different tune, this This is what he told his people. If they tried to attack us, we would play hell with her apple carts before now menu fought like devils, but now I don't you have fight like angels,
for angels, can whip devils and everyone we lack in number to match the mob. The Lord will Send an angel to fight alongside you, won't see them and they're not going to do a lot of the killing. But imagine there rooting you on with their phantom cries and their transparent swords. So this whole thing was about apple carts, Is that what's going on here? Apple carts is old. Timy talk for ball sack, so I see ok, but while the bluster kept morale, the conditions sent back to Joseph Smith were to say the least. Harsh first, the Mormons were required to surrender, after which their leaders would be tried for treason. Second, all Mormon property would be confiscated and liquidated. Third, all Mormons not executed for treason must leave the state immediately and forth. The Mormons would be required to surrender all their weapons
They left. Okay, here's a here's, a counter batch, here's a bit of a contradiction! What, if we do you just? Let us go Scott for It was a number three. Isn't that bad? You mean to tell yeah I've gotta leave Missouri, no man, oh no, and if the Mormons did not meet these demands, each and every Mormon would suffer the same fate as those who had died at HANS Mill, their essential threatening genocide right and while these terms were deliberated, Joseph Smith, Sidney, Rigdon, parley Pratt and a few others were held as hostages. Now, Lilburn Boggs wanted to execute them in at eight in the morning. Public Square of Far West, but a man named General Donna fan who had gotten friendly with the foreman's stepped in and saved their lives. He liked them yeah. Do you like him like he'd? Actually, he had got and very friendly with him. Like he's, like you know, once you get to know him there totally,
sing, harmless, listen! The big thing is that you could fuck whoever you want. If you marry him- and I don't tell this to a lot of people- 'cause people really freak out, but you seem like a cool guy Donovan Irish. You know what I'm talking about is really at this time. Yes, the more The reason why the Missourians hated the Mormon so much was because they, the Mormons, were anti slavery. Well, even they weren't even anti slavery. It's that the Missourians thought or anti slavery. It was a rumor going around that have been whatever anybody wanted to be well, the Mormon good thing that they were anti slavery. Obviously, if you would want to be publicly anti slavery, he was against being publicly anti slavery because how much he did brought on them again. He had a private set of circumstances and then he was like, but on the outside we're trying to keep up with the Johnson. You know what man I'm just going to say if I only heard two facts: anti slavery and you get to bang a bunch of chicks that magic underwear on my head buddy, but understand
We are on the way to the civil war right now. We're about in this period of american history were about twenty years away from the civil war, and that was a long long time coming. Ann Missouri It was one of those battleground states where there you had people that were both pro slavery and anti slavery, and if you were anti slavery than the pro slavery, people would murder you well. In the mean time, six thousand militiaman, descended on far West. In one week they shot cattle and hogs hunted down and murdered builders and tied down Mormon men and women alike in the schoolhouse and raped them and at the end of it the Missourians told Mormons that the Mormons with the real aggressors, but that's only because that falls story was backed up by none other than Sampson a vard hoping to save his own skin Sampson turned coat immediately and testified that Joseph Smith had set up his own military come.
Meet with the Secretary of WAR, which could be seen as a bit of light treason. Oh, I love a nice light, drag strips and yes, the point of the Army Samson said was for Joseph Smith to establish a personal king, within the borders of America, which would no doubt result in a quick hanging for Joseph Smith. If it could be proven it wasn't entirely wrong, though not entirely. However, no one could testify that Joseph Smith had been at any of the battles, nor could they prove that he ordered the attacks, nor could they prove definitively that the danites even existed outside of Sampson Avard's testimony. Luckily, for Joseph Smith, nobody had written anything down yet, no, he just because he kind of had a plan, For that because he talked about the verbal testimony and how important it was to just remember the things I say and spread it via story
so. We speak to each other 'cause. Then you really get the gist of it. Now you don't want to write it down words or just again lines on paper. What is what is the oh, but it's an asshole knows yeah, that's true, and it is interesting because if you do it that that everyone can kind of interpret it in their own mind and make it fit whatever they believe, as opposed to having a solidified? belief system that they could argue against, but Joseph Smith kept very intense diaries which will find out decades and decades later that all of this was transcribed. Obviously, twisted from and uh liable narrators point of view where he is a the only person who can talk to Jesus Christ and God himself, who is the same person because it? But who is, also gigantic planet. Furthermore, the HANS Mill massacre was now national news, which turned the tide of public opinion towards the Mormons on and on? It went until finally, Mormon leaders bribed a guard with whiskey to facilitate their escape
very interesting, are we talking about the Epstein suicide again? What happened what's going on here? They were sleepy guards. They were indeed yeah. That's exactly what happened here. The guard drank himself into a deep sleep. It was just pretty much here's your whiskey. Alright, I'm just gonna drink all this time I fall asleep and then you'll get out of here. The Scooby doo their way out, while he was asleep Joseph Smith and the other leaders skittered away and left Missouri forever. They, along with eight thousand other Mormons fled to a subtle, in Illinois, established by Brigham Young named, Now all they do now. Remember that number think about that. We're already at eight thousand mormons the have built this it. This can become a big ole city, and new view. If you have never been there, I'm really really excited. I Google Street mapped it and I walked through the streets of naboo and it is fucking weird, so you
to tell me Mormonism the religion that outlaws alcohol would not be around today without whiskey, yeah. Ok now, the first year in Nauvoo was beset by disease and death, but after the Mormons establish themselves, they built a city that, at its peak, had two hundred and fifty buildings and over fifteen. Thousand Mormons and Nauvoo comes from a bastardized version of the hebrew word, for I believe, Heaven beautiful beautiful and again he has these weird like her he has these very strange, like Hebrew, lessons that he's been taking he's been obsessed with religious studies point, began again more of this stuff is going to get filtered in where he he's he is looking at the Kabbalah. He is doing something with the Kabbalah. Where he's starting to understand I was making the shit up as a go. I was just kind of flying off the
home with these rules, but I am also weirdly channeling thousands of years of religious thought in the back ground of this. In the coating of my teachings, I mean just this minute. I mean, could very well been plugged into something, but you could call the collective unconscious like get this guy. He was plugged into these ancient sort of rituals, these ancient religions, but he was also specifically plugged in in into America. And what Americans wanted and eventually what the entire world wanted at least the western world. So where are they off to now? They're off to Illinois, my friend, Woo dub, bears, and with this the Mormons thought that maybe they'd found a permanent settlement and for awhile they had. I mean at one point: it was, but as far as like the major city in Illinois, at one point it was between Nauvoo and Chicago, it was going to be one of the two
I will say Heaven is apparently extremely cold, because that is a horrible place to be during the winter and, as a result, the Mormons settled in enough for Joseph Smith to find expand Mormonism into the fully ritualistic religion that it is today see. While Smith was in prison in Missouri, he had time to I looked on the sorts of men who would come into a service. Sampson Avard had proved to be a cowardly traitor. Sidney Rigdon had lost his mind in the prison cell with Joseph and three of his closest followers had abandoned him for a teenager with a magic fuckin' rock friends like these. I everybody loves, Melissa, Joan Hart, and this is web startup yeah. Maybe so, even though the violence perpetrated again it's them found the Mormons together Joseph needed something to bind his people to Mormonism, so he introduced a highly elaborate set of Temple rituals, based on existing
masonic rites. He you say even just based them on where it's almost like. He completely ripped them off stolen. Yes, yes, but he dared something about the play these rituals work. I looked a little bit into the history of the Freemason rituals and there's not a lot of there's, not a lot of concrete information about when they started the first time they were quarters in the 1600s in Scotland, and so this is around for awhile, but they obviously just the kind of fabled beginnings that happened with the original stone cutters like in King Solomon's day, and that that's where these things came about, but It's interesting to see, there's something about the actual movements that they will learn that it's about the way the brain works with symbolism and away the human monkey reacts to it's about a physicalization of a bully
but then embeds it deep inside and also everybody's on this doing the Super secret, embarrassing thing that also is a secret keeping mechanism keeps all of us in the same club, so we based it on the masonic rituals very similar to Lai space in his ice ice baby hook on under pressure he's done based on it's, not stealing it's based upon. Hum Northway did you know, according to studies, only about ten percent of break ends are planned before hand. I know if I'm going to break in your home. I've been thinking about it for a really long time. The rest are crimes of opportunity, unpredictable and random. Who knows what drugs I'm on? When I decided just break in your house, so I think it's it only one in five homes have home security, maybe because most companies really don't make it easy on you. I know I've been put off getting home security because of the price and I'll confusing the contracts can be. I just wanted to security system that were
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Got nothing to lose. Go now, be sure you go to simplisafe dot com, slash, l e f t, so they know our show sent you that simply safe dot com, Slash left Skype on Northway. This episode is brought to you by square space, from online stores and websites to analytics and marketing tools. Square space is the all in one platform, to build a beautiful online presence and run your business no matter what you want. A website for square space can help need website to schedule. Your covens get togethers you need to sell a bunch of dead body parts that you say they were not stolen from a great word. They were, will do you buy. Your relatives were spaces, beautiful templates, created by world class designers in their free and secure hosting, with nothing to patch or upgrade ever makes it easy for anyone to have a website, no matter how tech savvy they are need a spot online to grow, business and sell your wares Where is do you have? Do you need could be sold. There's so many wears in your home that your wife is going to leave you. I gotta recommend square space for your wears. Weird.
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faith. As established Freemasons and the founding of a Masonic Lodge in Nauvoo that same year, sealed the deal see in Freemasonry. Joseph Smith once again found a ready made system that he could steal and adapt for his own purposes. He reasoned the. What worked for the masons for centuries would no doubt work for the Mormons and in this he was, absolutely correct. It's just so. It's so mysterious it's in indoors and then again it's like where Lrh conceived of Zeno and all that kind of shade of the idea of being like now, you're going to see behind the veil She wants to real real around like when you talk mumbled to main, like a piano keys. It's a draw for for Clinton, dropped off for a cliff in a Looney tunes cartoon yeah. But the hits this power it's this power. It connects something deep, deep down and so my hands
people live people, love handshakes, although the Mormons have a large variety of rituals. The most important one is known as the endowment specifically the endowment is an adult initiate ritual that is supposed to prepare Mormons for their place among the exalted in the afterlife or to become gods themselves. Because our God was a our creator. God what started as a dude and this dude exalted himself. Using ancient rituals would shoot past human life into this. God status in order to work for the big up top God right? All of this weird hermetic idea of the way, the layers of godhood, and so we we his job, is he basically crates earth and all this kind of. But then he transmuted himself back into human form to Adam and Eve and arrived back on earth and then inspired again got exulted.
And came back, went back to the top came back as Jesus again. This is all in this video give. You watched the actual the ritual they say play a forty five minute long, video that explains this and it is it dry. It's it sounds like you had a busy life yeah yeah. Well, in this ritual Joseph Smith, combined new testament right, such as anointing foot washing in bathing with complicated Freemason initiation rich, Waltz, not coincidentally, the first endowment ceremonies began about two months after Smith became a first degree. Mason. And the entire ceremony, as it was done for about one hundred and fifty years, took about two hours and it is far too long and complicated to completely cover from end to end Now we're going tickle your foot. We can, however, give some of the broad strokes and juice
it sounds like a London fish restaurant in broad strokes, but about that place called slug and lettuce. There is a chain restaurant called slug and lettuce all over eat the over Europe. I just can't eat there. Well, basically, the endowment has two. Arts, the initial Tori Segment and the rich call drama segment, and the initial Tori segment has evolved quite a bit since the time of Joseph Smith. Originally it began with a fully nude head to toe bathing of the Iniciat that supposed to wash them clean of the blood in sins of their generation? Will daddy? Is it true that might ball? those are dirtier than my penus yeah yeah there. That's where the devils are the devils. Live somewhere in the mystical land called the Gooch cheese, couldn't money. So, no one so proud of you're
grower, not a shower. Just like your father. This is this is a horrible day to be your son in for about the first eighty years this was done totally nude, but starting in twenty, they allowed the iniciat to wear a ritual poncho, which they called a she oh okay, who do you think, did this first? Was it one of the fathers just be like hey ya? I don't want to touch my disgusting kids. I need a steak dinner. You're gonna wash my Nokia Lumia go. I love you. Son Cooper, fucking punch you on that. DMC please set in a bunch of Dogshite punch on him. Could you and then in two thousand and five? They changed it so one began the ceremony with their temple, garment and now I only watched the head come on yeah. I can do what they don't do anything fun anymore. I almost respect it more when they went all in you know. Well speaking of the Temple garment, that brings us to the famed Map
magical underwear. I've been waiting for the magical underwear, it's finally appeared or originally the simple garment, as it's called was uh. Art containing no metal that was given to the initiate following the washing, and that shirt was then hidden after the ceremony to hide it from quote: destroy angels pretty stinky a like moths. Yes, pretty soon, though, the Temple garment evolved into a utilitarian suit of long underwear that the initiative was commanded to wear constantly as a protection against evil which gave the Mormons away to control their followers lives on a very basic and constant level. I like the way you put that, because that's really the truth, because then you have it puts the physical eyes is the secret yeah at physical This is the Bondan that the commitment you've made to the Mormon Church, because, no matter where you go, I mean it can't be that comfortable
now this set of long underwear, especially when smoking hot, especially when you're on your mission here in a weird new city and you're, doing all this like a bullet in the winter time. It's fantastic. I used to have like three sets of Mormon magical underwear that got me through like many winters in Nyc, but you wear three shirts at a time, yeah, I'm wearing three shirts right now, yeah, it's hot here weren't, you shirts, I'm actually fucking sweat my balls off right now right right. Well, I can watch those for you if you want to convert the only magic underwear that I'll ever believe in is Michael Jordans. John underwear remember that when he was supposed jockey right now, I believe so It was always wearing that underwear on tv now you're voted the loom. It was fruit of the loom. I think. Oh, I don't even know we're going to get a lot of emails about this. I thought your butt to throw to a meundies ad for uh, oh yeah. Well, following the
running of the underwear Mormons were then required to take a long series of oaths. The first oath was the law of obedience in which women swore to obey their husbands and men swore too they god convenience and that's something. This was the Mormons in around way too later guarantee that their wives would go along with whatever polygamist relations might come about, because the men were only obeying the dictates of God when they married and had sex with other women is not me baby, it's God. I want to see someone try to explain this to their wife now when they get back from LAS Vegas and he is covered in Herpes lesson. Is it busy these aren't source? These are called angels kisses or money. I tithed it had something remember that when we said oh we're in love, we don't have to send a prenup well you're, going to here's another one
interestingly, although establishment Mormons right now polygamy long ago, again saying God change his mind to this day when a woman gets a divorce in the Mormon Church, she is required to undergo a ritual in which she cancels her previous marriage I bet you that must be super simple, easy going to go through. Oh yeah cancelled. However, men required to do no such thing, which means by Mormon belief that a who marries multiple times due to either divorce or the death of their spouse will have multiple wives waiting in the celestial kingdom, when he dies bound by oath, to do his bidding for all eternity It almost seems like Mormon. Heaven is only and for men and kind of hell for women.
Yeah. That's weird, it seems like you're right exactly fuqing correctly, it's funny how they keep just taking these basic beliefs yeah they can reform, and they do perform yeah they're, trying they're trying to modernize trying to keep their religion alive, but every single time they do it. They just take the secret lesson: they bury it a fucking foot deeper and each time it gets deeper deeper and it just gets But every single time is, it gets big even more ingrained into the actual kind of like reptile brain, and the people living it, because you don't even know that you're still exercising and living. The initial wishes of Joseph Smith, even though you're being told we're getting modernize. Now all of this, that's all. In the past I sold the goofy shit you're still doing it, you're still practicing the old ideas, they're just hidden, but perhaps the most infamous, of the oaths that
or a part of this ritual until one thousand nine hundred and ninety, with a penalty oaths taken directly from masonic rituals, participant is given a mormon name of the ironic priesthood in a sworn to key Mormon secrets under threat of penalty and that penalty was death. Well, that's little strict, sir. Could we just have maybe like three slaps on the wrist start? Ok, okay, let me check yeah. I could do a thing called half death. No, I fucking can't man the oath with C build when the initiate placed their thumb under their left ear and quickly drew it across their throat then. Drop their hand to their side, while reciting this week. Covenant. I'm promised that we, not reveal any secret service. The first token of the aaronic priesthood should We do so. We agree that our throats be cut from ear to ear and our tongues torn out by their roots.
I thought you were going to say they had to say rest in He, like the undertaker will, after that they took an oath to obey the law of gospel, which bands quote light mindedness loud. After evil. Speaking of the Lord's anointed, the taking of the name of God in Vain and every other unholy holy impure practice. They also rules made by someone who is hungover. I don't wanna, hear you laughing right. I cannot they all just sound like someone who has very audible sensitivity at this point, but you wouldn't get to this endowment ritual. They had already We went over your records, you have to be the purest of pure Mormon. It truly is a believer of this. The only reason why I got to see the endowment ritual was because it whoever filmed it, must have gone so deep. Undercover because you have to be a good boy. Years now that you have to really walk the walk tightly like you, it's like being like on the Mata Hari
yeah Mormon temples. You can't just go into a Mormon Temple like not even more Mormons can just go into a new Mormon Temple when I walked by the Mormon Temple in Utah. They actively rejected me. So, yes, I believe that well after that oath there, given the robes of the aaronic priesthood and are made to take a second penalty oath, which says that they are to have their heart ripped from their chest and eaten my birds, should they divulge secrets, is kind of metal yeah and on and on it goes through the robes of the Melchizedek priesthood, the law of chastity two more penalty, oaths that say that if a Mormon divulges secrets, their body should be cut, thunder in the midst and all their bowels gush out and as they did this,
moved from one room to the next in the Temple, which echoed the masonic practice of moving up in degrees except Joseph called it progressing from grace to grace and the masonic parallels don't in there. Both initiation rituals feature the initiate being an underwear both give the initiates new names and both feature an oath in which the throat is cut and the tongue is torn out, should secrets be divulged, all of which all of which are colt, techniques, yeah putting you in a specific thing to wear. Put you in a specific mental mental state, giving you a new name literally takes your old identity, and if I can get but also this is a secret name like this. Isn't your new public name is the name that you're supposed keep in remember forever. So this isn't on your name tag. If you have a job at Mcdonald's, you're, not like CS or the eighth and you could have, your name is like you can go back and be like
yeah, my more my name is Aaron, I'm going to keep doing. Ok, I see, but this whole ritual you're supposed to do again once you the celestial doors of heaven when you die you're, going to do with this ritual again and it is going to allow you to then move to the next level, which is the you get your planet man I just That is not my idea of having my idea of Heaven is just like a big old Caesars palace, and I win every time play the slots, every blackjack every time to play blackjack it's blackjack, sir. I have a twilight zone episode. You need to watch because that man coverage that that Heaven soon became a hell. Yeah dude yeah, but sterling lied about. A lot of stuff is hard to see yours, but you started becoming Atlantic City Aunt Ben. Well, it wouldn't be unfair to say that
the Mormon Endowment ritual is damn near the exact same as the Freemason initiate ritual, except for a few changes in wording right down to the five points of fellowship and this Freemason ritual within a ritual the candidate and the master touch each other on five points inside of right foot to inside of right foot right need to right, knee breast to breast. Left hand to back and mouth to ear? What kind of Juggalo Festival is this and we do it Marcus? I think we can try to stand up and do it all right, so the boys are standing up now, they're going to attempt to do it. This is extremely awkward because Marcus is like uh and Henry is an egg size. Okay, they have done it, they are and and that is very uncomfortable. Ok, it has been completed. So I do believe you guys are one step closer to Heaven. Do you love being a jewish word that he loves me That's very nice of secret. Well, now it's my
call it a sweaty snake of brotherhood yeah. That was very interesting, not easy to do. I wonder how they even came up with such a bizarre collaborate you should see all the handshakes, they're very fun. I've studied the handshakes of many different cultures and I just stick with the fist bump. You study my hand shakes of many different cultures. I don't know how to do handshakes, or did you tube, like cool handshakes 'cause, I feel like it makes me very uncomfortable one little part of the rich although that is important, is the veil. So, at the very end, you're supposed to approach this giant curtain, where you literally open it up- and it's about the passing through- is incredibly important, because what the you're, someone acts like God and one side of the curtain. You do the handshakes through the curtain, at God and again, you're going to repeat this one and then all of a sudden you do you see a large erect. Like
L'Oreal yeah you're to be interesting, a just a fully admitted to stealing from the Freemasons, but he spun it by saying that the masonic ritual was a corruption of the ancient ritual of Solomon Smith. He was just restoring it to the true he break in down, but the initiation is only the half of it. The second half was the ritual drama. In this church leaders re enact, creation of earth and the fall of Adam and a fun little play that takes place in a series of rooms where each scene is depicted in the early days. Joseph Smith played guy. His brother Hyrum was Christ. George Miller was the holy Ghost and WWF crawled around on his stomach, he seemed playing the serpent in the garden of Eden, hey Joe. What about played the stake in in the play
lw. I don't I don't want to do that would be silly or without this phone to be a part of the special, the special endowment ritual Alright, you do it snake I've ever and once the drama reach the were Adam and Eve were expelled from the garden. The actors would on tiny robes that were exact replicas of masonic aprons, except the robes were painted with little green fig leaves, then the initiate would be taught all the necessary secret handshakes. Passwords in hand signals before he was given his secret name, which was inevitably taken from either the new testament or more likely the book of Mormon and remember. This was not just some wacky ship that the Mormons did in Nauvoo. In the early days this ceremony was performed exactly as we just described it along with a whole lot of other ancillary ship until now
teen. Ninety Mitt Romney performed this ritual, hey man on It's coolest thing. I've ever heard that he's ever done, I would like to see him try to pull this stuff up. Maybe Mitt Romney was the snake. I am a snake hiss you know what w used to do it a lot better. Could you just be like like make the actual his cell? You don't just say yes met. My only concern is that I am. I am not a snake, no get met, your acting like a snake. You see someone I couldn't be is something that they are not. That is trickery that is like it's acting. It's can you give second, so I could say something that I don't mean, even though I guess I'm getting into polish, nailed. It mid nailed it, but In the common mormon practice of changing with the times the church removed the penalties in nine.
Teen ninety, along with a lot of the masonic elements. Afterward of their creepy rituals started get now 'cause. I think the Mormons started thinking like we're going to need to get into politics here pretty soon we're going to need some people in power. We can't be doing the penalty whole oats anymore, We can't be because it really, I mean it's kind of what people thought about. Mitt Romney was kind of the same ship. People thought about John F Kennedy as I is he going to be a lawyer, to the United States Marine Corps to the Pope, JFK was the only catholic President, you, member of the good call, Mormonism, probably cost him the election, no yeah yeah, speaking of creepy, the endowment ritual is not. Close to the only Mormon rituals still perform to this day, one that many of you may have heard of is the infamous baptism of the dead. Originally, this right was meant to bring dead family members like parents and grandparents into the faith. If they happen to die,
before they heard the good word of Joseph Smith. Like say you get into Mormonism. You think this is fucking fantastic. Both your parents and grandparents are dead. What's going happen to them. You know what we can do. The baptism of the dead, or this ritual is supposed to do, is send a little message to the baptize, in the afterlight, send a little note and wherever that spirit, maybe this message gives them the choice as to whether they want to be a post mortem. Mormon or not so I'm sitting there in my heaven playing my slot machines win every single time and all of a sudden I get whisked away to Mormon. Heaven who I just have to sit there and have a horrible horrible time only gives you the choice. The answer is no no you're going to invite a nice young man will show up be like Mister Kissel. You seem to be. You been dig
in the lords name in vain. Quite a bit of that slot machine, yeah 'cause, I celebrate by saying goddamnit, another wins or you're drinking a lot of coffee and I seem to notice there is about seven bud light limes in front of yeah. What do you want to I'm just going to skip it. I'm going to leave you once you get the hell outta here, but more recently, the Mormons expanded this ritual from ancestors to include celebrities, an historical figures. You can't do that. You can't do it yeah, but you can't you can in the dead, oh god in two thousand and seventeen, a researcher discovered that the Mormons baptized Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, as well as the ancestors of Kim Kardashian Trump Pence Biden, Hillary Clinton. And Steven Spielberg. No,
No, you don't get him. Those are are so you could have a couple of them will take Spielberg. I think that Stephen King is about four books that are about early short stories, that about how the afterlife is filled with classic Brock Eyes. I think at some point they got so jealous of Heaven are Heaven being having like Jeffrey Epstein, because they really wanted to make sure, but I think Jeffrey Epstein don't know what you're talking about you getting through a hail Mary, but he got so jealous of fun. Heaven they wanted to get some pull over on their heaven, 'cause think about how cool just smoking, hot
so those planet would be just all grumpy him. Subsecond him sucking on Scott, should talk about as bad as you can't smack actresses on the butt anymore yeah. Exactly I'm sure he had some interesting erasure like this as well as a matter of fact. She might not agree with the Mormons on that knows, you might enjoy it up there. Well, there have also been attempts to Mormon eyes, both Charles Manson and Stephen Paddock, but as of twenty, seventeen, both of those people were roundly rejected by church leaders, because their spirits were deemed quote, not ready, but what really pissed people? off was when the Mormons posthumously baptized hundreds of thousands of holocaust victims in the nineties, all my God in the nineties. They did this. However, defended the move saying the rich will only gave spirits. The choice to be Mormons conveniently forget. A long history, the Jews, have a being forced through violence and torture, to convert to christian
okay. This is what I'm going to call in unforced error. Yeah like why do this Don't know why they wanted to do it. I guess they just weren't as many Mormons as possible at something fun to do, but it's also it's it's a fun ritual for the kids, because I hold on what no it seriously. It binds the kids to the religion because they, I think they baptize them like one hundred and fifty thousand a holocaust victims, they definitely baptized Anne Frank, but for every sing. One of those people they baptized, you have to have kids, you have to have standards, you have to have proxies, so this is a ritual for them to do. It's like a church activity like today we're going to baptize ten hollow Ross victims mean you can do a lot with macaroni to make macaroni crosses. We just did hand turkeys in the Macarena that was all we did was like in in effecting the confirmation camp, but these kids get shipped out to go to the temples and, I think
but you're right. I guess it also partially 'cause. The temple is a place where you go and you are truly be cause of the grinned ear of the architecture you're supposed to feel like you are actually in God's house and so you're getting them it's normalizing. It's like it looks like you're getting used to the Temple also you get to go to the temple again, you get to do the endowment ceremony again because for a lot of Mormons for a lot of Mormons. The endowment ceremony is the most beautiful, most spiritual experience of their lives. It's fantastic and when you do, the bathroom is the dead you get to do it again: okay, after Joseph Smith, a stay published these rituals. He started getting a little more selfish and a little more worldly with his revelations in January of one thousand eight hundred and forty one Joseph told his people God had commanded the Mormons to build a hotel, alright man, you flip that property he technically was probably listening to, I think, was it: is it Suzanne,
perhaps use them powder. Yes, and strangely enough, God got pretty detailed with the business side of things as far as how much Joseph Smith should receive profit wise. This is his. Actual revelation, and they shall not receive less than fifty dollars for a share of stock in that house and they shall be perm did to receive fifteen thousand dollars from any one man for stock. In that house, but they shall not be permitted to receive over fifteen thousand dollars from any one man and if they do appropriate any pause. So that stock anywhere else only in that house, without the consent of the stock holder and do not repay fourfold for the stock for which they, appropriated anywhere else. Only The house they shall be a curse and shall be moved out of that place say if the Lord God, for I, the Lord I'm not and cannot be mocked in any all these things and
sadly, all water slide. I love that and lotion in every room be better be. I know it's not it's not happening as much as it used to. I got a car. I got a wife correction, Natalie, listen to last side stories and she has to push back. She says she has used the lotion in the bathrooms for Actual purpose is not just us masturbating, but it has. It has a purple good. Yes, people do. Actually that is not. Do you think that's actually. It is, that is our hearing. It's not a theory, not fair. It's not there for men to masturbate. That's all I've ever seen. Anybody using voice ever actually seen anyone bathe themselves in lotion They themselves. People use lotion to moisturize their skin. That I understand what the theoretical point is. Emotion is not specifically, they don't have entire owls just for masturbation. Yeah
yeah, it's a push back a little bit on that and, of course, that revelation also made sure that Joseph had a suite of rooms all to himself forever and always isn't that fun. The profit needs to fucking say He needs to sit. He needs to think he needs to get the revelations. He needs that Fuckin' Hillary rooms. It takes to put seven wives in there, so he gave himself the penthouse suite. Yes, he did, but Joseph was not just busying himself with Monday, creature comforts. He was also sending missionaries not west to the frontier but EAST to Europe there, the Mormons found thousands of willing converts right here in England and if you're wondering how just know the urban living situation and what is now the UK was not exactly what you'd call optimal it's going to say this and I don't want to be rude to any of the european people, but I'm assuming that over here in the European is just like you mean to tell
You can wash my balls because my boss have not been washed in thirty five years. I've you! If I could. I do this and you wash my Pekka, ran my balls. Alright, it's weird you even do english accent, This is an english accent, sound like do it. I don't have a coffee, hello, hello, kitty. So let her Benjamin Kissel I'll have a coffee. Now, my only impression it will always be one hot dark. What about call me now, call me now all right. I got a well since it was so which are festering hellhole over here, at least in all the urban centers, which we definitely found out in our tour of a Edinburgh. We found out just how fucking awful it was to live in the cities of the UK at the time the uh
idea that you could go to America and live in a nice town by the River in Illinois. That was just about the best fucking deal you're going to get all day, Marcus and Henry, and army, of their tour in edinburgh- and I just have to say, do do some research on that seems like living hell yeah, and I really was surprised to hear about it. So English convert started coming over the Atlantic by the thousands interesting Lee, though the only place in England that the Mormons couldn't gain traction was right, here in London from the way the Mormon missionaries wrote, not a single person was converted in this city, while the rest of the country provided the Mormons with eight thousand new converts by one thousand. Eight hundred and forty four is about two or three years: ok, almost like they're from a huge city, and they could smell bulshit for miles away, and things were going pretty. Damn good, nah view as well. While all this was happening. In fact, this could be described as the good times for the Mormon religion during Joseph Smith Lifetime
see, Illinois was nowhere near as harsh as Missouri, so Nauvoo was granted a town charter. Meanwhile, Joseph Smith was becoming a national character. The HANS Mill massacre had kind of propelled him into the light and the day to day wacky goings on in the Mormon cult became a favorite subject in papers like the New York, Tadler and the Boston be love. Why don't we of those names and neither tadler there be what was the other one, the militia and the Philadelphia battleaxe, and there was another one that was just called the wasp and their biggest and their biggest rider was just named vortex That's awesome, metal man, it sounds like a leather club it's like a hacker zine. The most people looked at the Mormons with good humor, especially like I said, after what happened in Missouri the editor for the New York Harold who followed the Mormons as closely as we used to follow. Lord real wrote this. There are some
well it in every sect of religion or we get passport wall from Pope of Rome, Joe Smith. All we ask in return, for our reports is good cool, see bench all location. When the end of the world comes in the everlasting, bonfire biggins, I love him. Just a nice little fun wink and a nod. They were just fun characters and there was plenty of goofiness for these papers to cover. One Smith got more attention. People started pulling pranks three men cut six copper plates and their buddies filled. Those plate with fanciful. Writing, Michael all of Hieroglyphics and Hebrew and greek all kinds of shit, and then they used acid to corrode the metal to make it look old. Then they buried the eats near a native american burial ground and spread. The word around the that one of the men had dreamed of buried treasure three nights in a row and that he'd appreciate help I'm such season treasure hunters as the Mormons. This is what people did
before they were addicted to young Sheldon. You have to go and make your own fun know. First, the Mormons were sceptical, because this was about the fourth or fifth major prank that had been, But there's suspicion vanished the moment they saw this seemingly authentic plates for themselves and they begged for permission to take the plates to Joseph Smith. Oh, my God, Imagine him looking at this shit just being like they don't think. I don't know this. Fucking scam the thing I invented this scam all right bring me the plane, I'll look at it. It's funny how you can even look at these plates. The plates I had made your brain explode. It could be. The Joseph Smith knew that this was a hoax or it could be. That word was reaching Joseph that the Rosetta stone had
only been deciphered, meaning the days of reformed egyptian we're getting pretty fuckin' short, but either way? Joseph went no further than just placating his people, because he couldn't a like a you moron. Do we doing bringing the ship, for? I think I'm doing this is old school right. I am handling the her medical. Alright, let me look at this all right now. Look at a paragraph of it. The It is just this is just a tv guide, just a city translated just a portion and said that the plates were merely the his the person buried in that mountain he was a descendant of ham, which he's like this is interesting, but it is not a discovery on par with the mummies that inspired the book of a but still even though people like to Joseph Smith, negative press tended to stick
one person who no doubt had heard Sampson Avard's testimony accused Joseph of sanctioning theft against his neighbors and a practice that Joseph supposedly called milky the Gentiles. I heard that, but it seems like Joseph preferred to read the positive stories, which is all well and good, but after awhile Joseph started to believe the hype emboldened by the positive Iti Joseph Smith and the Mormons dove into polygamy, Mufe Deep woah. Now polygamy began in earnest with Mitt Romney's Grand Father parley Pratt in one thousand, eight hundred and forty, but only in a spiritual sense, C. Pratt's first wife had died an Pratt had since remarried, but he was worried about what would happen when he went to Heaven and both wives were there waiting like what, if one
I'm an anniversary day. I told them to meet me at the same restaurant for a date, but I told one at seven or the seven hundred and thirty, and then I'd have to wear a mustache with one date and then run into the bathroom and change and come to the other daytonas sort of misses. Find a set of. So he was worried about his wives being catty and have been just what was gonna happen. Like what was it, what it's going to have like? How can I be loyal to both wives, while in Evan. What's going to happen there? How is God going to look upon this? Actually, that was or what it was about is like how is God going to lookup on me have two wives in Heaven. How does that work on the planet? Joseph? Has that work well, Joseph assured parley that God allowed for multiple marriages as per his reading of exodus and that they would all live. Happy the ever after for all eternity on their own planet near Kolob.
But this seemingly innocent proclamation designed to comfort his friend must have seemed like a fucking lightning bolt of an idea to the Horni Joseph Smith and Joseph never dared preach polygamy out in the open because he knew that if the Mormons were officially polygamous, the fledgling religion would never survive. So Joseph took a sideways ST toward supporting the practice by publishing a pamphlet by a non Mormon named attorney H. Jacob, who defended polygamy as solution to marital incompatibility. That's basically what it said. This whole document is all about how you got a fat wife get a new one. He has been sorry, that's how it goes. There's some people that say that a new age, Jacob might be Joseph Smith under a pseudonym may be, which you don't know if you like that, the I mean I wouldn't put it past them because he re
he loves playing mind games and he was very, very good at it. But do we we we don't know for sure. Well, on the back of the pamphlet, it said: publisher, Jay Smith, the gist of the pamphlet was that for a christian divorce wasn't an option because nobody in the Bible ever got to for but a new wrote. Some men were nonetheless cursed with unpleasant. Why? whom they no longer loved and since sex without love is a sin. Udny argued that having sex with a spouse, you did Love was a sin as well, and even had a name for it. He called it for Nick meeting in the wife my goodness do not search that on Pornhub with a solution. Fornicating in the wife, Udny wrote was to just stop fuckin' the wife you hated and Mary again, while still forcing everybody to live in the same home, and that's how you exalt the Lord and find happy
Isn't that just broke up the marriage between Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, I'm pretty certain that was it that was called fornicating in the May, not good, and the ugly pamphlet was published in one thousand eight hundred and forty two, but Joseph Smith had already begun what he called plural marriage. Almost a year before, when the thirty six year old, Joseph Smith, married twenty six year old, Louisa Beam, By the time the pamphlet was published, though Smith had already married Lucinda Harris Press, the Abule, Zina Huntington Jacobs, Mary Rollins, Lightner, Patty Sessions, Clarissa Hancock, Sally Gully the hide and a woman only known as MRS Durfee, he got out Williams in a right.
Waiting. Any many went, oh my goodness. The oldest of Joseph's wives was fifty nine, the youngest fifteen. He also married five pairs of sisters and, in one case married both a mother and a daughter. But what really got him in trouble was when he married other men's wives without the husbands, knowing that Joseph was doing it, they didn't like that huh. Well, it was very scary. Your pastor, the profit. You come on this one story, but one due to came home to find his wife and Joseph Smith have dinner or he's just like yeah. Let me tell you about the new arrangement. I've invented it's called ob sitting on a tripod. Oh my god. Now some Mormons claim to this day, that all of Joseph's marriages were entirely spiritual, with consummation left to the eternal state
they put it yeah. Oh, no, no there's some other separately, oh yeah, I'm a betting man and that's what I would put my money on, but quite a few sworn statements from Joseph's wives proved that Smith did not wait for death to Fuch what I can't believe it. But the thing was a lot of Mormons didn't like the idea yeah, a plural marriage. Most early Mormons thought. This was fucking weird in a really bad idea. In fact, Joseph Smith's own brother Don Carlos, was quoted saying that he might know where Bridge and Pratt it's better to apply, for it will go to hell no matter It is my brother, you in fact even Brigham Young who eventually had well over fifty. Why had to be cajoled into participate, team is going to come on, bring him arrives. No, I don't think I do. I don't I don't know if I know
Ok. Well, it took years for Joseph to convince Brigham Young that this was a good idea and Brigham finally agreed The story goes that Brigham finally agreed while he and Joseph were watching a funeral possession in Brigham told Joseph that he would rather be in that fucking coffin than be a polygamist, but he would do it if God and Joseph commanded interesting face, that's what the story is about once Brigham said. Yes, he went all and if you think somebody was hesitant, what if you have like one extra extra on reservations, the look a couple of reservations, perhaps fifty six or fifty three not sure which one it is fifty six or fifty seven wives that Brigham Young eventually had he went all in I'll. Surprisingly, quite a few Mormon women took to plural marriage as well, because marriage did not bind a woman specifically to one man that meant.
While one man was off on missionary work, the church widow as they were called could still have a warm bed with her other husband- and this was under the church clause, fuckbook I wonder how sexual these relationships were. I think that, obviously they were having sex for procreation, but it did seem like they do kind of mention the hint that this was also about sex for pleasure, that this was about like keeping people satisfied, and keeping them within the religion. Yeah it because it was as sex was exalting God. You know it was because it was believed that God was a man and God was a man that meant that God had all of the same urges as a man. Therefore, it must be true that God likes to fuck, because men like to fuck big again, we look at get the rock band poison, like imagine, if Jeff Goldbloom was God and
we just happened to know that he needed to marry as many PS as he was around as humanly possible and hand pick his several wives from his jazz show that he doesn't LOS Angeles Requestion Jeff Goldbloom. Is God what this also meant, that any woman who left her husband to join me? Nezam could remarry without a divorce without worrying about the spiritual implications of such an action. But one woman who never took to polygamy was Smith M man it's hard to share it's hard to share the profit. That's your fucking husband, that's buggin! That's the for one guy, that put those must be your king. Your hits, Quinn and you're supposed to be there. One for each other? I already backed you up through all of this buckinghorse. It we've already fought a war now you're having sex with a fifteen year old yeah- and you remember, Emma Smith was she's about the only one there who knew Jose.
Smith! Before the golden plates- and at this point she is the only one who knew Justin Smith before even like the founding of Mormonism, because everyone else who trans do the golden plates at all either been excommunicated for talking about Joseph or had just left on their own, so OMA has a completely different idea of who Joseph Smith is, than anybody else in this cult, despite the fact that now he is being a flicks television producer, one of the very cute things the relationship between Barack and Michelle Obama is the Michelle. Would look at Barack, sometimes like We know you're that nerdy kid I met in college and, like everyone is like going crazy for you now but like she kept him down, and I thought that was very cute. Yeah, not cheating, keep him down. She kept him, grounded, grounded exactly well imma, absolutely loathed, the idea of polygamy and, in fact Joseph Smith kept many of his plural marriages, a secret from his wife before he properly convinced her that this had been gods will all along it wasn't until one thousand eight hundred and forty three, the
finally accepted polygamy and even then she said that she would only sign off on a new marriage if she herself chose the women which became a kind of Mormon tradition afterwards. So I saw this the preamble to one of those Mormon girls, videos- I saw the wife just picks. It seems to be always look at the girls using pigtails. Must be lossed or looking for a babysitting job. It is interesting how like your research in Marcoussis research like there's, sometimes where it goes into different? actions! Marcus does historical fact. I do cultural application, but when Emma did finally choose two women for Joseph turned out,
Joseph had already married she's, trying new him better than he knew himself. That is when you look at your wife and you laugh together, and you say you are the one who get me, but to quote save family trouble. Everyone just went through oceans and had another ceremony without telling Emma that they already done. The ceremony two months he really is running an impromptu. Please understand everybody just rolling with the herald. Every single time like she's, like being told I surprised eyes Elmo looking at the girl girl, looking at Joseph Dominique and let's just get married, How many times did Joseph have the sentence go through his head? How the fuck I got to get back to the if there are times when the problem is that now he's really starting to believe in himself yeah,
for even through the Mormon wars. I think that he woke up every day like fuc fuc could kill me bikini, kill me now, but now I think, he's been on the money. So anytime right that he is starting to really believe I have tapped into something I might be. The profit. Well he's a celebrity now like he is a national celebrity at this point. He is definitely starting to believe his own bulshit. Otherwise he would not have had the courage to go as far with Mormonism as he actually did. You see how one late night set change some of our friends back in the day. I know it must have discovered what happened with the wives that she chose eventually, because-
whose wives were run out of new view by Emma herself just a few months after the second ceremony and seems like Emma's reticence, was a bit of a strain on Joseph Smith, yeah, it's a fucking bummer. So to help with the load, Joseph's brother Hiram told Joseph that he could convince Emma that polygamy was good in right. Is he Joseph did have a revelation about plug me, but he'd never written it down because written evidence removed plausible deniability, see Joseph had told associates that an angel had appeared to him three times between one thousand eight hundred and thirty, four and one thousand eight hundred and forty two before Joseph finally agreed to become a polygamist, but Hiram was convinced that all Joseph had to do to convey.
Emma was to write down what the angels had said clearly and then M o would be convinced, because it's higher public you not bring any minute right. You got a frame, it right really spell it out and then, of course he was You gonna see she's gonna realize that it makes sense and she's getting Not only is she going to get it shouldn't, be super into Hiram sure you do sound like you have the name of someone who wets himself everyday at noon: Vince your wife to do a threesome, yes or no bro. Every woman wants to do no. I know you're married, I'm single, I'm like I'm, not dating anybody like I'm feeling alone like forever, but you do. You got a wife. You could flip this dude You just looking sure how every chick, like boo, who win Hiram tried to convince Joseph that yeah
things going to be cool everything's going to be fine. All you gotta do is right at the revelation she'll be down for it: Joseph Smile Golden said quote, you do not know Emma as well as I do, but still Hiram push and eventually Joseph wrote down the whole kit and kaboodle, perhaps going a little too far and including a personal commandment for Emma, because it it works before according to the revelation must quote, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph and to clean. Even to my seven Joseph, and to know what else and if she will not abide this commandment, she shall be destroyed, say if the Lord and also Joseph to
instead of the pool table. His own personal man came with a kegerator and so Hiram who'd taken a polygamy like a fucking duck to water, there's so much smoke in his catering, which I'm looking did. I learn what a charger played in that super cool three plates are no fucking reason. Why not? He said fuck yeah Joseph Fucking nailed it bro. I'm taking this over to Emma right now, she's going to turn that frown upside down. You really think so this could be more of a fucking locker that I didn't get a padlock from a hardware store, my friend, but when Hiram returned hours later, he told Joseph that he had. Never been so abused by a woman to which Joseph said quote. I told you you don't know
I am not as well as I do. It's like she was super. Ok, it's laid out all this shit. She was like confused so go to Lord, but even so, sadly, Emma soon relented, with all the resignation of a cult leaders, wife, she told a friend that the revelation said she must submit or be destroyed, so she guessed she'd have to submit Klay what she said. She said I guess I'll have to submit like just totally resigned as all that, like I'm in this, I married him. I've got a family with I've got. I think at this point. Yet they have three kids together like yeah. This is my life he's not going to change, so I guess I fucking have to, but they had four dead. Babies right in the end of adopting more at that point they were trying to have babies and it's very difficult. I think,
She saw the writing on the wall that knew that Joseph Smith, if he was going so far as to put in his bullshit revelation as should be destroyed, ok, so he is decided that this is a must do like he is decided that this is now a part of it and it does weirdly reflect on the hermetics, because in the one thousand four hundred and thirteen fifteen hundreds alchemy, often had plural marriages. That was like a thing that they've always talked about how it was a part of going into Heaven that it was the idea of bringing a harem of women into with you into the afterlife, but she also knew weirdly Joseph Smith had a habit of being correct about saying people would get destroyed, There was a theory. Is one story that, after the words of wisdom passed, he told this guy, who was We've been working for two years. He said I give you permission, you want to go out and get drunk tonight, you're going to go, get draw and party all night and come back because if not, you will die. You wait a party like all night,
log? Not you kiss, you just came out. You can't be main I just kept Oh, ok, so you're a funny guy but he still had a good time. You won't die though, but the other guy legitimately went and he didn't do it he's like. No, I won't I will not. I will not do that and he fucking died she's two weeks later, so there's kind of these kinds of things kind of seem to manifest around Joseph Smith right. Well, since absolute power corrupts absolutely, it is without a doubt that some of these plural marriages were coerced, as is evidenced by the testimony of a feisty eighteen year old English girl named Martha Brotherton. She said that Brigham Young cornered, her in a room above Joseph Store and told her that Smith had a revelation from God that it is right for a man to have two wives and if she married Brigham, he take her to the celestial kingdom and if she was game,
Joseph would come upstairs and marry them that night then they would consummate their marriage. She could go home to her parents afterwards, and her parents wouldn't have to know a single thing about it: I've also heard we do not have to get married. If we just do it up the butt and Martha emphatically said no so Brigham called Joseph upstairs for the hard sell Joseph said with a smile that she should just do it just do it and if you don't like it in a month or two, I'll make you free, adding quote. If it turns you off, I will take you out well finally, better go home unmolested and the first thing she did when she got there was to write down the whole episode when she showed it to her parents, They got on the first steamer to Saint Louis and publish the whole story in a local paper, but again
Joseph got ahead of the story by talking to his people. First, calling Martha a liar and an adult her making sure to publicly add the polygamy was evil and the Mormons were never even think a practice. Sing it when you think about it. Shame on you! That's all we were talking about yeah. Definitely not have like seventeen specific. Why don't you think about it? And that was all well and good for most Mormons, because the Brotherton's were new com? parts they weren't. Nobody knew who the Fox brothers were. They just come over from England, but that wasn't the case when Joseph Smith started pursuing Sydney Rigdon's. Nineteen year old, daughter, Nancy Joseph went full court press on his advisors, young daughter writing a long love letter punctuated with defenses of polygamy, but when Nancy showed her father the letter Joseph claimed he was just testing sees virtue yeah. I just wanted to see if she do
I mean I know, then I would spank her nude. I would bathe her I saw that she dared sleep with me. That's that's my daughter, you're talking about bay that I make sure all the devils are out of her vagina, and I don't know that I would do it thoroughly. I'm going to punch you in the Fucking nose warranted. You got me, but what really put Mormon Polygamy into the forefront nationwide was the excommunication of Jonbenet C Bennett had made fast.
Friends with Joseph Smith and had risen to the rank of number one guy after only a year and a half, but there had to be a sacrificial lamb for the Sidney. Rigdon fiasco, so Bennett was excommunicated for allegedly spreading lies about the profit, because Joseph said, Bennett was the one who would spread the word about the saucy letter, and so Bennett figured Buck this guy and started telling everything he knew about Mormons to the press and made sure to make up a whole bunch of extra shift to make the story even better. Then it claimed that Joseph Smith had set up a system of religious prostitution in which the women were divided up into three categories: the Cyprien Saints the chambered sisters of charity and the clothes start saying wild
that's fun, there's a three fun group, so yeah. Basically, Bennett said that the sole purpose of these women was to be incentives for the men of the church hierarchy to climb higher in the church, because the higher you climbed the better the quality of woman. Although Joseph always got first pick now, it's highly unlikely that this system ever a stead, it is possible that Joseph Smith may be bandied about the idea because you haven't been. It talked about absolutely everything, but there's no evidence whatsoever outside of been its claims that any of this ever happened. I truly would not put it past him now. I truly Lee H Weird, because not this specific, like sex part of it, I think the idea of creating another category for women might have been in there were he's trying to figure out because the have the ironic priesthood and they have them out- keys, attack priesthood. He wonders like. Maybe we could also this other subdivision that we could do on this,
hide, and then I can even do more weird stats to keep people in game with more spiritual skymiles. I think you talked about it. I think you definitely played around the idea, but with his many ex Mormons, as there were around this time. If anyone would have been a part of this, they would have told yeah I like that it would have a they had. There would have been multiple people that would have been able to come firm this, but as it was, it was only Bennett saying that all this ship was true, but nevertheless the damage was done. Joseph Smith and the Mormons were now inextricably linked to polygamy forever and always and Joe.
Smith STAR as a kooky, religious frontiere curiosity began to fall all of these problems. Maybe why Joseph Smith started thinking of a way to come back with something big for his own people. You got to get get it's very possible. The Joseph used this as an opportunity to wag the dog, and we don't know for sure if Joseph Smith gave this order, but around the time that the Polygamy story broke, Joseph Smith's personal, bodyguard, Porter Rockwell,
shot the Hated Missouri Governor Lilburn Boggs three times in the head after the Mormons. This was both heartwarming revenge end the fulfillment of a prophecy, because after little burnt bog to terrorize, the Mormons with an extinction order, Smith had prophesies that Boggs would die within a year didn't seem to matter that it was most likely that Joseph Smith had fulfilled that prophecy himself by ordering the assassination of a government official out of either delayed revenge or hopeful distraction. Although we don't know for sure, if Joe it to be a hundred percent fair, we don't know for sure the Joseph Smith ordered this or Porter Rockwell was just acting on some,
will Porter Rockwell? He ended up escaping from jail, and he would go on forever and saying bragging about how he shot Lilburn Boggs. On the word of Joseph Smith. I don't know if it's true or not Joseph Smith, said equivocal y. Now I would never do that, but I do think it makes a lot of sense. It's a little kind of like Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation, Chevy Chase Chevy Chase. To certainly wish that someone would go and shoot that governor three times in the head, all do it I'll. Do it yeah sure you'll? Do it partner sure you know either way whether Joseph ordered it or not? It seemed like once again his prophecy had come true, but even though bagues was shot three times in the head He survived the big head soon,
swore an affidavit charging Joseph Smith, with being an accessory before the fact on the attempted murder. It is a very. It is very coincidental that you would be Porter Rockwell yeah, and it would be so that's the one. That's that that funny thing about history, it's kind of like well, it's like when you talk about any sort of conspiracy. That, when these things kind of show up like the little tether, the little strings that could Please show the Joseph Smith order to hit of a governor it's hard to not say like it fits the shoe fits the issue does fit by you know. We don't have proof, no, that he wore the shoes marches, which is in the nebulous area, is actually more even more powerful than evidence, markers that can always be use. Yeah as mark as what is this? What what is this term? I'm I'm! I really want you to say this term. What is this to what time in this situation, who benefits free believe
is a foot so to escape extradition. Joseph went into exile and briefly considered pulling up stakes on the whole operation. For a fifth time and moving the Mormons to Wisconsin, well I hope, you like cheese. He did a lot of work and of oh yeah like this was so this kind of pull out would be very, very intense. I don't know if you would have flipped it at fifty, I think that this I'd like it was very any saw the writing on the wall, especially because, if he's making these kind of money moves, really is trying to put it. This is true and he's trying to put a head on the on the governor, Joseph Smith is certain understand we needed stand. The test of, I think we're going to do this and being like. It is my way or the fucking highway. I am God I I can choose who live or die you're, not going to fucking chase me out of my home. Well after another of Emma's children died during childbirth, number
by my count Joseph turn himself in and threw himself on the mercy of the court. Luckily, for him, though, the judge was Pro Mormon and a fierce proponent of states rights. So the extradition order to Missouri from Illinois was denied and Joseph went free and not too long after all, that a probable assassination attempt on a government official Joseph Smith ran for President Do you do he lost, took James Capel C Smith saw that politicians regularly courted the Mormons for the large block of votes that they could deliver. It that's part of how they were able to settle in new view because they had just been typical back then it was wigs and Democrats and that Lilburn Boggs was a wig, so when all of the Mormons moved to Illinois the local wig
to them. I say like hey: not all wigs are like that. Not all wigs are bad. Please keep voting wig, your wig come on. We love wigs come on, let's do it, and so they would often ignore. Joseph Smith became a bit of a power So they went on the apology. Tour like dominoes did and now Dominos is fairly tasty yeah. We had to go. That's why he welcomes pump the numbers, because only the bodies to build number to do all of the kind of the infrastructural things to to make them for the farm the land to make the goods that they can sell to get money with. This also gave him like, if you become too big, to fail yeah, because you become this group works like Now they do what I tell them to do and they vote for who I tell them to vote. For so what I can do is I can swell Swe these local elections, but what I need to do is get myself with the national fuqing did need to get myself with a national floor yeah. He just wanted to be on the national stage he ran for president. For the publicity see Joseph had always thought that the best form of government was a theocracy and he figured who better to be Prez
in the United States. Then the originate are of the american religion, at least in theory. 'cause Joseph knew that he didn't have a chance in hell to win, but he'd already been looking into the possibility of Mormon Sovereignty, and if he ran for president, that eventuality would not seem so strange when the time came. It sends a chill up my spine 'cause. This shit is always been this way. People who run for president on just trying to get the fucking the likes just trying to get the note trying to get all the fame points because he wants to build his name and because it's like what, if he did win, he didn't go all the way. We'd be fucked, it would have been a different country. So in early one thousand, eight hundred and forty Smith, organized a secret council of fifty quote, unquote, princes whose first act was to crown Joseph as the king of the Kingdom of God. Oh after that, he sent the first expedition
men W, beyond the borders of America, to find a place where that king might rule yeah. This just got fucking real once he starts this talk. This is really he is, but this isn't where my estimation is that he he's becoming a very dangerous person. Possibly quite possibly he might be becoming a very dangerous person, but I think more than likely he was going to eventually move across the border like he was not. I don't think he was going to. I don't think he was going to risk a fight with the United States, because he knew that he couldn't even handle a Missouri militia like those people wiped them out. I mean you think, he's honestly going to be able to go against the Fuckin' union there.
Bigger than ever. At this point, you pick it's not that many people, but it starts at fifteen thousand- remember he's young. He doesn't know. What's going to happen, is going to happen to him, so this just like he could triple that. But I think in this like in this action of like sending people out w 'cause, he was sending people to California, and the Pacific Northwest like because all that was still Mexico. The further isolation yes he's going to. He is already making plans for like further isolation like it. We are going, but he needs that clout like he needs that clout for that. When the time comes, when America swallows up the rest of the continent like he needs to have the call. To be able to say, like hey. I've already got this thing going here, like don't fuck with me, like. I am a known figure Anamara. As having sovereignty. So don't with me are just have to get rid of the pesky people already living there or convert him, but he
though Joseph was only running for president for publicity. There were many Americans who saw a potential theocrat Ik President, as a very real threat to the separation of church and state, and therefore these United States. What was more, the masons had heard that Smith was using their most secret and sacred rituals in his new religion and was currently telling any Mormon who came to the Temple all about their secret under penalty of death rituals. But ball a lot of Mormons within new view or starting to get sick of Joseph Smith's hit, see when Joseph got in trouble for fuqing he employed, the age old tactic of whataboutism and started naming trusted friends as Debaucher's. You think I'm bad! You should see what city rig. Gets up to relax, but also yes, that's not good. Even worse, men who were opposed to polygamy were being for
to marry their daughters to Joseph specifically or risk excommunication, an Joseph kept asking for more free land from his landowning Mormons to settle the now fifty thousand Mormons, that lived in the view, because so many people were coming over from England and Joseph Smith gets in like Ok, we got another. Forty come in today. I've got another. Fifty you got to put these people somewhere you're going to give me your land and that's just what's going to happen now. There's also a part of me: they think they kind of become This is the line where he's kind of becoming, like God, emperor of Dune, where here, when you have more and more of these wives because you're bringing with them you're bringing them to the afterlife, and he is keep saying that this is going to help in your ex
notation arriving with these many celestial marriages, each offspring, I have spiritual offspring with each one of these spiritual wives. That will have, after this creates a new planet, a new place that increases Mormonism throughout the multiverse, and so there's a thing inside of him. While I do believe he saw, he started leadership and he saw highway to becoming Elohim he's like, I am going to not just be the profit, I'm going to be the new arm of God, I'm going to use all of this new physical cloud and when it goes to fuckin' heaven it becomes spiritual cloud and I'm going to suck in cash it out and be president of yeah, I know is my mom has a star and if that mother Fucker tries to invade earth STAR planet in another, real flight. 'cause, you don't mess with the kisses. Well, there were a lot of men in the view that just couldn't take it problem was though they didn't leave new view.
Meaning. There were now fierce ex Mormons living amongst the Mormon oh, and some of those Ex Mormons started a newspaper, this is kind How do you live with your ex or six months? And that was only six months now I just lived in my room and Piston Gatorade bottle that's all another story, but I had a newspaper that you start your own z like an anti ex girlfriend seen, then you would put out from underneath the door for anyone who reads if you would just have to take it back in himself and read it: I'm the publisher and the reader. Well, that newspaper was called the new view expositor and in May of eighteen, forty four. It published its only issue, which is a full Expozay on what went on in Joseph Smith's pantaloons, the story, detailed seduction's. It completely exposed the polygamy revelation and
confirmed the rumors of Joseph's, many wives 'cause. At this point, even a lot of Mormons didn't know about polygamy. Even the people within the religion did not know the that He was a big part of their that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and Parley Pratt, and all these people up top or practice practicing it. So this is a huge revelation in which- like this came from the outside Joseph. He was always to get ahead of the story and he could squash it from the pulpit, but these accusations were coming from neighbors. These are coming from people who are respected and trusted members of the community. Now Smith knew that he up with polygamy. He told a friend that polygamy would be the Mormons Destruction that he had been deceived by the devil. The polygamy was a curse and that they would have to leave the country if the story wasn't put to bed. This is why it's I said myself, and I should listen my own advice, it's always important to jerk off before reveille.
Yes, you can clear your mind because now I mean like I am empty. I couldn't come. I couldn't come with a rocket up, Miass and and five women sucking on my finger right. So I have made a boo boo butt in trying to crush the story. Joseph Smith made his last. Mistake. He gathered a legion of men, marched to the offices of the expositor, burned every issue and destroyed the printing press. Afterwards, the apostates who had printed the story fled town and reported the crimes to the nearby Warsaw Signal. This is the funny thing about the Joseph Smith story, take multiple wives. He could manipulate people into giving him their land and savings he could seduce underage girls. He could even attempt to assassinate a government official but fucking with the free press.
That's gone too far after the war saw signal, published the accusations mobs from Missouri and Iowa Cross, the Mississippi River, with the express purpose of stringing up Joseph Smith once and for all, knowing that he up. For the last time Joseph sent his family away with a group of bodyguards and fled to Carthage with his brother hyrum, where they were both arrested on riot charges for the destruction of the expositor Are you a plug in Joe there's? Nobody I'd rather bugging being of jail cell within you. My fucking brother This is looking cool right, shut up and Joseph resigned to his fate, knowing that he
really wasn't going to get out of this. One requested up go bottle of wine and one more drink with his brother before the mob came for him one last time now. It's believed that the governor of the State Governor Ford, gave the state militia tacit permission to do what they did in order to prevent another Mormon war, but either way one hundred Carthage grays appeared outside the doors of the jailhouse, where Joseph and Hiram were being held burst into the jail and ran up the stairs to Joseph Cell shooting anyone who got in their way, but somehow the other Mormons held with Joseph and Hiram it's smuggled in guns. So Joseph was given a six shooter, while Hiram got a single shot, Pistol but it wasn't anywhere near enough. You mean the Dookie gun,
No, no. The ballistic kicked in the door to the cell and killed Hiram first, hitting him four times in the torso she and thought I and face Joseph Beau was on her. So we emptied his six shooter in the hallway and made towards a window, but as he got one leg over the window, Sill and raised his arms in the masonic signal for distress, which is exactly what you think it is, it literally is just your hands and right angles going. He was hit by a Hale of Musket balls to the hip chest and shoulder and is Joseph fell from the no his last words were: oh Lord, my god. He hit the ground hard. Honestly,
left side and momentarily managed to sit up against the curb, but his wounds were far too much to bear and the american prophet expired right there in the gutter. A following Smith: death anew ritual, was added to the endowment from eighteen, forty five until one thousand nine hundred and thirty Mormons swore an oath of vengeance called the blood atonement in which each and every Mormon swore to avenged the assassination of Joseph Smith. This oath applied to apostates, anti Mormons adulterers and thieves in the oath clearly stated. The only way to save those who were lost was to end their lives on earth and give them a chance
at redemption. Let's give him a chance chance, and nobody was a bigger believer in the oath of vengeance than Brigham Young Mormonism's, dirtiest weirdest, most violent ships best leader home, well cover in depth on part five of Mormonism, there. It is Mormonism part four unbelievable, and there is a little quote. I want to read from Joseph Smith that comes from his king Follet Discourse, which won the last recorded sermons. He gave a two months before he died, which is an examination of basically his Kaballah stick teachings. Have you read into it what he said if we start right, it is easy to go all right all the time, but if we start wrong, we may go wrong and it will be a odd matter to get right, which is for now period is literally what we're going to see how the fucking oath of vengeance is and all of the different little mechanisms that are
it's just the very beginnings of Mormonism or what's going to allow it to blossom into late, True crime stories after we cover what Brigham Young Fuckin', this fuckin' character, Jesus christ- I mean because what Joseph Smith, the difference between Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, is that Joseph Smith was still living in America, like Joseph Smith thought that he was a king. He thought it was like a wonderful theo society would yell very much. It was still very magical, still very idealistic in right hand. Pathi Brigham Young was a fucking dick. Well, we will get to Brigham Young on the next episode cannot wait to the next episode about Mormonism. That is, we do do we want to make this little announcement because we are on the road right now in Europe, and also we want to thank everyone. Who's come out to our live shows in New Berlin in Edinburgh
Birmingham was amazing. Man be shared the stage with black Sabbath. They weren't they weren't there at the time, but you can sit down because these people could see it like. Literally, we got to perform at the same stage that Ozzy Osbourne performed at in Birmingham, which was like an unreal dream come true, so called Bristol works. Great thanks, everyone who came out in Bristol a fantastic fuckin' run, but because of the fact that we're still on tour next weeks episode, we are going to do a relaxed, fit episode, because if we wouldn't do that, when you just won't get the same, sound quality and it would just would not be up to snuff for Us- and this Mormonism Series is it's not even quality. It is the quality of research that it takes to go it's. How much research has to go into these episodes? We cannot put the amount of research that we need. Put into it? Yeah well we're going from London to stock home to Berlin Circus, and I have put a lot of I mean like. I think he thought I knew. I had to research you're doing it, but we we've really been busted our
series wonderful Series were already at four different source materials and we have been kind of scouring the internet and doing all doing as much as we can speaking with Ex Mormons, and so this is a we are really trying to lay this series out as thick as humanly possible, and this next episode next to are very, very important for us to land directly. So what we want to do is that for next week for the relaxed fit, we've had some people reach out and say they wanted us to do like a QA type, show right and what we want to say it's. You send in questions and you've been dying to ask, and I mean it's: it's like I really want to do like an almost an AMA. Were you guys, send things that you've been really curious about about the show about various top x, things that you want to yell upset at us about things you want to let go of like all of that kind, and we're gonna addresses many of them as possible in a queue in a relaxed, fit absolutely so email side stories, L, P, o t, L at G mail, dot com put in the subject relaxed fit queue in a
and we will look at as many as we can- and I think it'll be wonder- we haven't done that in a very long time on side stories, occasionally read emails, but Rarely are they in the form of a question. So yes, if you have some thoughts on your on your mind that you wanted to ask us it can be about podcasting. It can be about a subject that we've covered in the past. You could be about our friendship, it really we're we're open. So I we are excited to to speak with you so in that direction on next week's episode- and this is all to ensure that Mormonism Series, as soon as it will live forever, will live as great as possible, I want to give extreme extra special things to research, assistants, Rachel, Xuan and Mckean, who have been going above and beyond on these last four parts with helping us out and for all the work that they've already done on the episodes to come. They've been doing absolutely fantastic on this episode. Thank you all so much for your help on this. And our goal is be cause we're inserting relaxed fit next week or
going in certain other relax fit after Mormonism is complete. We will move on to the next topic we already have aligned, which is that we have a very and UFO story, and we have a serial killer. That we've been asked to cover many many times. That is also in the pipeline immediately following so don't worry, more content is coming in the content. The content never ends. Thank you all so much for supporting the entire last podcast network. We absolutely without you. We don't exist for diy. As always, so we shall see you in Berlin I'll, see you in Stockholm and we have one more show in London as well. So cannot wait to see you in those wonderful places. Never forget folks, no matter what you're going hail, yourselves hail, Satan again, tell me
was not wrong in many ways in terms of having like he's a go. Getter music go get her, but she was wrong in many ways, though, he's dead go getter. Yeah. Weird though I like the underwear better now, because I used to joke about it, I didn't realize it was a full body on Deez nuts great I'd seriously. I have like I do minor camo. No, I had the actual Real Mormon underwear that I found like an old thrift store, and I wore him like every single day in the winter? For, like I, don't know my first ten winners, It honestly, when you think about it, they were in Illinois, that's just out of necessity and smoking freezing y'all going to hail This show is made possible by listeners. Like you, thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them for more shows. The one you just listen to go to last podcast network dot,
Transcript generated on 2019-11-07.