Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind, he soon began to find out, that by means of his two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of their lower ends, to be tagg'd by the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied hermetically with waxed silk at their several insertions into the _Morocco_ tube, --he should be able to fire the six field-pieces all together, and with the same ease as to fire one.------

Upon turning it over in his mind, he soon decided that by means of his two Turkish tobacco-pipes, along with three smaller tubes of leather added to their lower ends, with the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied with waxed silk at their insertions into the Morocco tube - he should be able to fire the six field-pieces all together, as easily as firing one.


----Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out for the advancement of human knowledge.

Let no man say from what tags and jags human knowledge may not be advanced.


Let no man, who has read my father's first and second _beds of justice_, ever rise up and say again, from collision of what kinds of bodies light may or may not be struck out, to carry the arts and sciences up to perfection.

Let no man, who has read of my father's first and second beds of justice, ever say from what strange sources light may not be struck, to illuminate the arts and sciences.


thou knowest how I love them; ----thou knowest the secrets of my heart, and that I would this moment give my shirt ----Thou art a fool, _Shandy_, says _Eugenius_, for thou hast but a dozen in the world, --and 'twill break thy set.----

thou knowest how I love them - and that I would this moment give my shirt-
'Thou art a fool, Shandy,' says Eugenius, 'for thou hast only a dozen shirts in the world.'


No matter for that, _Eugenius_; I would give the shirt off my back to be burned into tinder, were it only to satisfy one feverish enquirer, how many sparks at one good stroke, a good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it.


----Think ye not that in striking these _in_, --he might, peradventure, strike something _out?_ as sure as a gun.----


The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing _his_ to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco, --he went with contentment to bed.

The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing it to perfection; and having charged his cannon to the top with tobacco, he went contentedly to bed.


I must observe, that although in the first year's campaign, the word _town_ is often mentioned, --yet there was no town at that time within the polygon; that addition was not made till the summer following the spring in which the bridges and sentry-box were painted, which was the third year of my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns, --when upon his taking _Amberg_, _Bonn_, and _Rhinberg_, and _Huy_ and _Limbourg_, one after another, a thought came into the corporal's head, that to talk of taking so many towns, _without one TOWN to shew for it_, --was a very nonsensical way of going to work, and so proposed to my uncle _Toby_, that they should have a little model of a town built for them, --to be run up together of slit deals, and then painted, and clapped within the interior polygon to serve for all.

I must observe, that although in the first year's campaign, the word town is often mentioned, yet a town was not added till the year after the sentry-box was painted, which was the third year of my uncle Toby's campaigns. Upon his taking Amberg, Bonn, Rhinberg, and Huy and Limbourg, one after another, a thought came into the corporal's head, that to talk of taking so many towns, without one town to show for it, was very nonsensical; and so he proposed to my uncle Toby that they should have a little wooden model of a town built, to serve for all.


My uncle _Toby_ felt the good of the project instantly, and instantly agreed to it, but with the addition of two singular improvements, of which he was almost as proud as if he had been the original inventor of the project itself.

My uncle Toby instantly agreed, but with the addition of two singular improvements, of which he was extremely proud.


The one was, to have the town built exactly in the style of those of which it was most likely to be the representative: ----with grated windows, and the gable ends of the houses, facing the streets, &c. &c. --as those in _Ghent_ and _Bruges_, and the rest of the towns in _Brabant_ and _Flanders_.

One was, to have the town built in the Flemish style, with grated windows, and the gable ends facing the streets, &c. - like those in Ghent and Bruges.


The other was, not to have the houses run up together, as the corporal proposed, but to have every house independent, to hook on, or off, so as to form into the plan of whatever town they pleased.

The other was, not to have the houses made together, but to have every house independent, to hook on, or off, so as to form the plan of whatever town they pleased.


This was put directly into hand, and many and many a look of mutual congratulation was exchanged between my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal, as the carpenter did the work.

This was begun directly, and many a look of congratulation was exchanged between my uncle Toby and the corporal, as the carpenter did the work.


----It answered prodigiously the next summer----the town was a perfect _Proteus_ ----It was _Landen_, and _Trerebach_, and _Santvliet_, and _Drusen_, and _Hagenau_, --and then it was _Ostend_ and _Menin_, and _Aeth_ and _Dendermond_.

The next summer, the town was a perfect Proteus, constantly changing from Landen - to Trerebach - to Santvliet - to Drusen - and so on.


----Surely never did any TOWN act so many parts, since _Sodom_ and _Gomorah_, as my uncle _Toby's_ town did.

Surely never did any Town act so many parts, since Sodom and Gomorrah.


In the fourth year, my uncle _Toby_ thinking a town looked foolishly without a church, added a very fine one with a steeple.

In the fourth year, my uncle Toby, thinking a town looked foolish without a church, added a very fine one with a steeple.


----_Trim_ was for having bells in it; ----my uncle _Toby_ said, the metal had better be cast into cannon.

Trim wished for bells in it; my uncle said, the metal had better be cast into cannon.


This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass field-pieces, to be planted three and three on each side of my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box; and in a short time, these led the way for a train of somewhat larger, --and so on--(as must always be the case in hobby-horsical affairs) from pieces of half an inch bore, till it came at last to my father's jack boots.

This led the way for half a dozen brass artillery field-pieces, to be planted three on each side of my uncle Toby's sentry-box; and these soon led to somewhat larger cannons, till it came at last to my father's jack boots.


The next year, which was that in which _Lisle_ was besieged, and at the close of which both _Ghent_ and _Bruges_ fell into our hands, --my uncle _Toby_ was sadly put to it for _proper_ ammunition; ----I say proper ammunition----because his great artillery would not bear powder; and 'twas well for the _Shandy_ family they would not ----For so full were the papers, from the beginning to the end of the siege, of the incessant firings kept up by the besiegers, ----and so heated was my uncle _Toby's_ imagination with the accounts of them, that he had infallibly shot away all his estate.

The next year, when Lisle was besieged, and Ghent and Bruges fell into our hands, my uncle Toby was sadly in need of proper ammunition; I say proper, because his great artillery would not bear gunpowder; which was just as well. For so full were the papers of the incessant firings by the besiegers - and so heated was my uncle Toby's imagination with these accounts, that he would have shot away all his estate.


SOMETHING therefore was wanting as a _succedaneum_, especially in one or two of the more violent paroxysms of the siege, to keep up something like a continual firing in the imagination, ----and this _something_, the corporal, whose principal strength lay in invention, supplied by an entire new system of battering of his own, --without which, this had been objected to by military critics, to the end of the world, as one of the great _desiderata_ of my uncle _Toby's_ apparatus.

A substitute was therefore needed, to keep up something like a continual firing in the imagination. The corporal, whose strength lay in invention, supplied an entire new system of battering of his own, which was the finishing touch to the whole apparatus.


This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as I generally do, at a little distance from the subject.

This will be better explained if I set off, as I generally do, at a little distance from the subject.


Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one pair of stairs?


for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my uncle _Toby_ are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters as steps: ----let that be as it will, Sir, I can no more help it than my destiny: --A sudden impulse comes across me----drop the curtain, _Shandy_ ----I drop it --Strike a line here across the paper, _Tristram_ --I strike it--and hey for a new chapter.

for we are got no farther yet than the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my uncle Toby are in a talking mood, there may be as many chapters as steps.
- A sudden impulse comes across me - drop the curtain, Shandy - I drop it - and hey for a new chapter.


The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affair--and if I had one--as I do all things out of all rule --I would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had done --Am I warm?

If I had a rule to govern this affair - as I do all things out of rule, I would tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire.


I am, and the cause demands it----a pretty story!


is a man to follow rules------or rules to follow him?

Is a man to follow rules - or are rules to follow him?


Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I promised to write before I went to sleep, I thought it meet to ease my conscience entirely before I laid down, by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once: Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmatically with a sententious parade of wisdom, and telling the world a story of a roasted horse----that chapters relieve the mind--that they assist--or impose upon the imagination--and that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the shifting of scenes----with fifty other cold conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roasted him?

Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I promised to write before I went to sleep, I thought I should ease my conscience by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once. Is not this ten times better than setting out with a parade of wisdom, and saying that chapters relieve the mind - assist the reader - and that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the scene-shifting?


but to understand this, which is a puff at the fire of _Diana's_ temple--you must read _Longinus_--read away--if you are not a jot the wiser by reading him the first time over--never fear--read him again--_Avicenna_ and _Licetus_ read _Aristotle's_ metaphysicks forty times through apiece, and never understood a single word.

but to understand this, you must read Longinus - if you are no wiser after that, never fear, read him again - Avicenna and Licetus read Aristotle's metaphysics forty times, and never understood a single word.


--But mark the consequence--_Avicenna_ turned out a desperate writer at all kinds of writing--for he wrote books _de omni scribili_; and for _Licetus_ (_Fortunio_) though all the world knows he was born a ftus,[4.6] of no more than five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to that astonishing height in literature, as to write a book with a title as long as himself------the learned know I mean his _Gonopsychanthropologia_, upon the origin of the human soul.

But mark the consequence - Avicenna turned out a desperate writer; and as for Licetus, though all the world knows he was born a foetus of only five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to such astonishing height in literature as to write a book with a title as long as himself - the learned know I mean his Gonopsychanthropologia, upon the origin of the human soul.


So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best chapter in my whole work; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as well employed, as in picking straws.

So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best chapter in my whole work.


[Footnote 4.6: _Ce Ftus_ n'toit pas plus grand que la paume de la main; mais son pere l'ayant xamin en qualit de Mdecin, & ayant trouv que c'etoit qulque chose de plus qu'un Embryon, le fit transporter tout vivant Rapallo, ou il le fit voir Jerme Bardi & d'autres Mdecins du lieu.


On trouva qu'il ne lui manquoit rien d'essentiel la vie; & son pere pour faire voir un essai de son experience, entreprit d'achever l'ouvrage de la Nature, & de travailler la formation de l'Enfant avec le mme artifice que celui dont on se sert pour faire cclorre les Poulets en Egypte.


Il instruisit une Nourisse de tout ce qu'elle avoit faire, & ayant fait mettre son fils dans un pour proprement accommod, il reussit l'lever & lui faire prendre ses accroissemens necessaires, par l'uniformit d'une chaleur trangere mesure xactement sur les dgrs d'un Thermomtre, ou d'un autre instrument quivalent.


On auroit toujours t trs satisfait de l'industrie d'un pere si experiment dans l'Art de la Generation, quand il n'auroit p prolonger la vie son fils que pour quelques mois, ou pour peu d'annes.


Mais quand on se represente que l'Enfant a vecu prs de quatre-vingts ans, & qu'il a compos quatre-vingts Ouvrages differents tous fruits d'une longue lecture--il faut convenir que tout ce qui est incroyable n'est pas toujours faux, & que la _Vraisemblance n'est pas toujours du ct de la Verit_.


Il n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorsqu'il composa Gonopsychanthropologia de Origine Anim human.


(Les Enfans celebres, revs & corrigs par M. de la Monnoye de l'Academie Franoise.)]


Now my uncle _Toby_ had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs. _Wadman's_ perfections one by one; and happening two or three times together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle finger ----Prithee, _Trim!_ said he, taking up his pipe again, ----bring me a pen and ink: _Trim_ brought paper also.

Now my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his fingers all Mrs. Wadman's perfections one by one; and either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, was puzzling himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle finger,
'Prithee, Trim!' said he, taking up his pipe again, 'bring me a pen and ink.' Trim brought paper also.


Take a full sheet----_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table.

'Take a full sheet, Trim!' said my uncle Toby, making a sign with his pipe to sit down at the table.


The corporal obeyed----placed the paper directly before him----took a pen, and dipp'd it in the ink.

The corporal obeyed - placed the paper before him - dipped pen in ink.


--She has a thousand virtues, _Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_----

'She has a thousand virtues, Trim!' said my uncle Toby.


Am I to set them down, an' please your honour?


----But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle _Toby_; for of them all, _Trim_, that which wins me most, and which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her character --I protest, added my uncle _Toby_, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the ceiling ----That was I her brother, _Trim_, a thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferings----though now no more.

'But they must be taken in their ranks,' replied my uncle Toby; 'for of them all, Trim, that which wins me most is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her character - I protest,' added my uncle Toby, looking up, 'that were I her brother, Trim, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferings.'


The corporal made no reply to my uncle _Toby's_ protestation, but by a short cough--he dipp'd the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my uncle _Toby_, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could get it----the corporal wrote down the word HUMANITY - - - - thus.

The corporal made no reply to this, but a cough. He dipped the pen a second time; and when my uncle Toby pointed with the end of his pipe to the top of the sheet, the corporal wrote down the word Humanity - - - thus.


Prithee, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, as soon as _Trim_ had done it------how often does Mrs. _Bridget_ enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou received'st at the battle of _Landen?_

'Prithee, corporal,' said my uncle, 'how often does Mrs. Bridget enquire after the wound on thy kneecap, which thou received'st at the battle of Landen?'


She never, an' please your honour, enquires after it at all.


That, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, with all the triumph the goodness of his nature would permit ----That shews the difference in the character of the mistress and maid----had the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs. _Wadman_ would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred times ----She would have enquired, an' please your honour, ten times as often about your honour's groin ----The pain, _Trim_, is equally excruciating, ----and Compassion has as much to do with the one as the other----

'That, corporal,' said my uncle Toby, with all the triumph his goodness would permit, - 'That shows the difference in the character of the mistress and the maid. If I had the same wound, Mrs. Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred times.'
'She would have enquired, your honour, ten times as often about your honour's groin.'
'The pain, Trim, is equally excruciating, and Compassion cares as much about the one as the other-'


cried the corporal----what has a woman's compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a man's knee?

cried the corporal. 'What has a woman's compassion to do with a wound upon a man's kneecap?


had your honour's been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of _Landen_, Mrs. _Wadman_ would have troubled her head as little about it as _Bridget_; because, added the corporal, lowering his voice, and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reason----

had your honour's knee been shot into ten thousand splinters, Mrs. Wadman would have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget; because,' added the corporal, lowering his voice, and speaking very distinctly, as he gave his reason-


"The knee is such a distance from the main body----whereas the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very _curtain_ of the _place_."

'The knee is a distance from the main body - whereas the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very curtin of the place.'


My uncle _Toby_ gave a long whistle----but in a note which could scarce be heard across the table.


The corporal had advanced too far to retire----in three words he told the rest----

The corporal had advanced too far to retire - he told the rest.


My uncle _Toby_ laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spider's web----

My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender as if it were a spider's web.


------Let us go to my brother _Shandy's_, said he.

- 'Let us go to my brother Shandy's,' said he.


Of the few legitimate sons of _Adam_ whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was, --(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards)--the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names--recollect them I cannot--so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.------

Of the few men whose breasts never felt the sting of love, the great heroes of ancient and modern stories have carried off nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish I had the key of my study for five minutes, to tell you their names - recollect them I cannot - so accept these, for the present, in their stead.


There was the great king _Aldrovandus_, and _Bosphorus_, and _Cappadocius_, and _Dardanus_, and _Pontus_, and _Asius_, ----to say nothing of the iron-hearted _Charles_ the XIIth, whom the Countess of K***** herself could make nothing of.

There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius, to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XIIth, whom the Countess of K***** herself could make nothing of.


----There was _Babylonicus_, and _Mediterraneus_, and _Polixenes_, and _Persicus_, and _Prusicus_, not one of whom (except _Cappadocius_ and _Pontus_, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess ----The truth is, they had all of them something else to do--and so had my uncle _Toby_--till Fate--till Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with _Aldrovandus's_ and the rest, --she basely patched up the peace of _Utrecht_.

There was Babylonicus, Mediterraneus, Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom ever bowed down to the goddess Love - the truth is, they had all something else to do. - And so had my uncle Toby - till Fate - till Fate, I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with Aldrovandus's and the rest, basely patched up the peace of Utrecht.


----Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.

- Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.


Great wits jump: for the moment Dr. _Slop_ cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle _Toby_ about midwifery put him in mind of it)--the very same thought occurred.

The moment Dr. Slop cast his eyes upon his bag, the very same thought occurred to him.


--'Tis God's mercy, quoth he (to himself) that Mrs. _Shandy_ has had so bad a time of it, ----else she might have been brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots could have got untied.

''Tis God's mercy,' quoth he (to himself) 'that Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of it, - or else she might have given birth seven times, before these knots could be untied.'


----But here you must distinguish--the thought floated only in Dr. _Slop's_ mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man's understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.

- But here you must distinguish - the thought floated only in Dr. Slop's mind, without sail or ballast, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in a man's understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them on.


A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother's bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of.

A sudden trampling in the room above did this very action.


By all that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. _Slop_, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.

'By all that's unfortunate,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'unless I make haste, the thing will actually happen.'


Now there are such an infinitude of notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, and accents with which the word _fiddlestick_ may be pronounced in all such causes as this, every one of 'em impressing a sense and meaning as different from the other, as _dirt_ from _cleanliness_ --That Casuists (for it is an affair of conscience on that score) reckon up no less than fourteen thousand in which you may do either right or wrong.

Now there are so many notes, tunes, chants, airs, looks, and accents with which the word fiddlestick may be pronounced, every one of 'em having a meaning as different from the other, as dirt from cleanliness - that Casuists reckon up no less than fourteen thousand.


Mrs. _Wadman_ hit upon the _fiddlestick_, which summoned up all my uncle _Toby's_ modest blood into his cheeks--so feeling within himself that he had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he stopt short; and without entering further either into the pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his hand upon his heart, and made an offer to take them as they were, and share them along with her.

Mrs. Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick which summoned all my uncle Toby's modest blood into his cheeks. Feeling that he had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he stopped short; and without entering further either into the pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his hand upon his heart, and made an offer to take them as they were, and share them with her.


When my uncle _Toby_ had said this, he did not care to say it again; so casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs. _Wadman_ had laid upon the table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul!

When my uncle Toby had said this, he did not care to say it again; so casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs. Wadman had laid upon the table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul!


upon a passage in it, of all others the most interesting to him--which was the siege of _Jericho_--he set himself to read it over--leaving his proposal of marriage, as he had done his declaration of love, to work with her after its own way.

upon a passage in it which was most interesting to him - the siege of Jericho - he began to read it - leaving his proposal of marriage, like his declaration of love, to work with her after its own way.


Now it wrought neither as an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any one drug which nature had bestowed upon the world--in short, it work'd not at all in her; and the cause of that was, that there was something working there before ----Babbler that I am!

But it worked not at all in her; because there was something working there before - Babbler that I am!


I have anticipated what it was a dozen times; but there is fire still in the subject----allons.

I have anticipated what it was a dozen times; but there is fire still in the subject. - Allons.


All sins whatever, quoth the abbess, turning casuist in the distress they were under, are held by the confessor of our convent to be either mortal or venial: there is no further division.

'All sins,' quoth the abbess, 'are either mortal or venial: there is no further division.


Now a venial sin being the slightest and least of all sins--being halved--by taking either only the half of it, and leaving the rest--or, by taking it all, and amicably halving it betwixt yourself and another person--in course becomes diluted into no sin at all.

Now a venial sin being the least of all sins - being halved, it becomes diluted into no sin at all.


Now I see no sin in saying, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, a hundred times together; nor is there any turpitude in pronouncing the syllable _ger_, _ger_, _ger_, _ger_, _ger_, were it from our matins to our vespers: Therefore, my dear daughter, continued the abbess of _Andoillets_ --I will say _bou_, and thou shalt say _ger_; and then alternately, as there is no more sin in _fou_ than in _bou_ --Thou shalt say _fou_--and I will come in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at our complines) with _ter_.

'Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, a hundred times together; nor is there any wickedness in pronouncing the syllable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, all day long. Therefore, my dear daughter,' continued the abbess, 'I will say bou, and thou shalt say ger; and then alternately, as there is no more sin in fou than in bou, thou shalt say fou and I will come in, just as in our complines, with ker.'


And accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note, set off thus:

And accordingly the abbess set off thus:


Abbess, } Bou - - bou - - bou - - _Margarita_, } ----ger, - - ger, - - ger.

Abbess: Bou- bou- bou-
Margarita: -ger -ger -ger.


_Margarita_, } Fou - - fou - - fou - - Abbess, } ----ter, - - ter, - - ter.

And then
Margarita: Fou- fou- fou-
Abbess: -ker -ker -ker.


The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails; but it went no further----'Twill answer by an' by, said the novice.

The two mules acknowledged the words with a lash of their tails; but no more.
''Twill work by and by,' said the novice.


Abbess } Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- _Margarita_, } --ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger.

Abbess: Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou-
Margarita: -ger -ger -ger -ger -ger.


Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.


Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou,

Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou.


Quicker still --God preserve me; said the abbess --They do not understand us, cried _Margarita_ --But the Devil does, said the abbess of _Andoillets_.

'Quicker still-'
'God preserve me!' said the abbess.
'They do not understand us,' cried Margarita.
'But the Devil does,' said the abbess of Andoillets.


Dr. _Slop_ was within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation: for happening to have his green bays bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle _Toby_--'twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he foresaw the sentence would end in his new-invented _forceps_, he thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he managed----my uncle _Toby_ had certainly been overthrown: the sentence and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point, so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a ravelin, ----Dr. _Slop_ would never have given them up; --and my uncle _Toby_ would as soon have thought of flying, as taking them by force: but Dr. _Slop_ fumbled so vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in pulling out his _forceps_, his _forceps_ unfortunately drew out the _squirt_ along with it.

Dr. Slop happening to have his green baize bag upon his knees, 'twas as good as a mantle to him: so that when he foresaw his sentence would end in his new-invented forceps, he thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to flourish at the ****** which you noticed.
However, he fumbled so vilely in pulling them out that it ruined the effect, and what was ten times worse, in pulling out his forceps, he unfortunately drew out the squirt along with it.


When a proposition can be taken in two senses--'tis a law in disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he pleases, or finds most convenient for him.

When a proposition can be taken in two ways, the respondent may reply to whichever he finds most convenient.


----This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my uncle _Toby's_ side.

- This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my uncle Toby's side.


cried my uncle _Toby_, "_are children brought into the world with a squirt?_"

he cried, 'are children brought into the world with a squirt?'


Writing, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is) is but a different name for conversation.


As no one, who knows what he is about in good company, would venture to talk all; ----so no author, who understands the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay to the reader's understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in his turn, as well as yourself.

As no one in good company would venture to do all the talking; - so no author with good manners would presume to do all the thinking. The truest respect which you can pay to the reader's understanding, is to leave him something to imagine.


For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own.

For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination busy.


'Tis his turn now; --I have given an ample description of Dr. _Slop's_ sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour; --his imagination must now go on with it for a while.

Thus, I have given an ample description of Dr. Slop's sad overthrow, and his appearance in the back-parlour; his imagination must now go on with it for a while.


Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. _Slop_ has told his tale--and in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses; --Let him suppose, that _Obadiah_ has told his tale also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand by each other.

Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. Slop has told his tale - and in what words his fancy chooses. Let him suppose that Obadiah has told his tale also, with rueful looks of concern.


----Let him imagine, that my father has stepped upstairs to see my mother.

- Let him imagine that my father has stepped upstairs to see my mother.


--And, to conclude this work of imagination--let him imagine the doctor washed, --rubbed down, and condoled, --felicitated, --got into a pair of _Obadiah's_ pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon action.

And, to conclude, - let him imagine the doctor washed, rubbed down, condoled, and got into a pair of Obadiah's pumps, stepping towards the door, on the very point of entering the action.


--truce, good Dr. _Slop_: --stay thy obstetrick hand; ----return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm; ----little dost thou know what obstacles, ------little dost thou think what hidden causes, retard its operation!

- truce, good Dr. Slop: - stay thy obstetric hand!


----Hast thou, Dr. _Slop_, --hast thou been intrusted with the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?

Hast thou, Dr. Slop, been told of the secret and solemn treaty which has brought thee here?


--Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of _Lucina_ is put obstetrically over thy head?

Art thou aware that at this instant, a mere midwife is put over thy head?


--Besides, great son of _Pilumnus!_ what canst thou do?


--Thou hast come forth unarm'd; --thou hast left thy _tire-tte_, --thy new-invented _forceps_, --thy _crotchet_, --thy _squirt_, and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance, behind thee, --By Heaven!

Thou hast come unarmed; thou hast left thy new-invented forceps, and all thy instruments of deliverance, behind thee. By Heaven!


at this moment they are hanging up in a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bed's head!

at this moment they are hanging up in a green baize bag, at thy house!


--Ring; --call; --send _Obadiah_ back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed.

- Ring - call - send Obadiah back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed.


----Make great haste, _Obadiah_, quoth my father, and I'll give thee a crown!

'Make haste, Obadiah,' quoth my father, 'and I'll give thee a crown!'


--and quoth my uncle _Toby_, I'll give him another.

Quoth my uncle Toby - 'I'll give him another.'


quoth I, as I look'd towards the _French_ coast--a man should know something of his own country too, before he goes abroad----and I never gave a peep into _Rochester_ church, or took notice of the dock of _Chatham_, or visited St. _Thomas_ at _Canterbury_, though they all three laid in my way----

quoth I, as I looked towards the French coast - 'a man should know something of his own country before he goes abroad - and I never gave a peep into Rochester church, or Chatham Dock, or visited St. Thomas at Canterbury, though they all lay in my way.'


--But mine, indeed, is a particular case----

- But mine, indeed, is a particular case -


So without arguing the matter further with _Thomas o' Becket_, or any one else --I skip'd into the boat, and in five minutes we got under sail, and scudded away like the wind.

So without arguing further, I skipped into the boat, and in five minutes we got under sail, and scudded away like the wind.


Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going down into the cabin, is a man never overtaken by _Death_ in this passage?

'Pray, captain,' quoth I, as I was going down into the cabin, 'is a man never overtaken by Death in this crossing?'


Why, there is not time for a man to be sick in it, replied he ----What a cursed lyar!

'Why, there is not time for a man to be sick,' replied he.
'What a cursed liar!


for I am sick as a horse, quoth I, already----what a brain!

for I am sick as a horse already,' quoth I. 'What a brain!


the cells are broke loose one into another, and the blood, and the lymph, and the nervous juices, with the fix'd and volatile salts, are all jumbled into one mass----good G--!

the cells are broke loose one into another, and the blood, and lymph, and nervous juices are all jumbled into one mass


everything turns round in it like a thousand whirlpools ----I'd give a shilling to know if I shan't write the clearer for it----

- everything turns round in it like a thousand whirlpools-


captain--they have hearts like stones ----O I am deadly sick!

- they have hearts like stones - O I am deadly sick!


----reach me that thing, boy----'tis the most discomfiting sickness ----I wish I was at the bottom --Madam!

reach me that thing, boy - I wish I was at the bottom - Madam!


----No, 'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir, ----hey-day!

- No, 'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir - hey-day!


--then I shall meet him full in the face.

- then I shall meet him full in the face.


--'tis chopp'd about again, master ----O the devil chop it----

''Tis chopped about again, master.'
'O the devil chop it-'


Captain, quoth she, for heaven's sake, let us get ashore.

'Captain,' quoth she, 'for heaven's sake, let us get ashore.'


_O Slawkenbergius!_ thou faithful analyzer of my _Disgrazias_--thou sad foreteller of so many of the whips and short turns which in one stage or other of my life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose, and no other cause, that I am conscious of.

O Slawkenbergius! thou faithful analyzer of my Disgrazias - thou sad foreteller of the misfortunes which have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose, and no other cause.


--Tell me, _Slawkenbergius!_ what secret impulse was it?

Tell me, Slawkenbergius! what secret impulse


----which first cried out to thee------go------go, _Slawkenbergius!_ dedicate the labours of thy life----neglect thy pastimes------call forth all the powers and faculties of thy nature----macerate thyself in the service of mankind, and write a grand FOLIO for them, upon the subject of their noses.

first cried out to thee - 'Go, go, Slawkenbergius! dedicate the labours of thy life and all thy powers to the service of mankind, and write a grand Folio for them, upon the subject of their noses.'


How the communication was conveyed into _Slawkenbergius's_ sensorium----so that _Slawkenbergius_ should know whose finger touch'd the key--and whose hand it was that blew the bellows----as _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ has been dead and laid in his grave above fourscore and ten years------we can only raise conjectures.

How this came to pass - as he has been dead and buried ninety years - we can only guess.


_Slawkenbergius_ was play'd upon, for aught I know, like one of _Whitefield's_ disciples----that is, with such a distinct intelligence, Sir, of which of the two _masters_ it was that had been practising upon his _instrument_------as to make all reasoning upon it needless.


------For in the account which _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ gives the world of his motives and occasions for writing, and spending so many years of his life upon this one work--towards the end of his prolegomena, which by the bye should have come first----but the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and the book itself--he informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived at the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the true state and condition of man, and distinguish the main end and design of his being; ----or--to shorten my translation, for _Slawkenbergius's_ book is in _Latin_, and not a little prolix in this passage--ever since I understood, quoth _Slawkenbergius_, any thing----or rather _what was what_----and could perceive that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled by all who had gone before; ----have I, _Slawkenbergius_, felt a strong impulse, with a mighty and unresistible call within me, to gird up myself to this undertaking.

In the account which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives the world of his motives for spending so many years writing this one work - towards the end of his prologue, which by the bye should have come first, but the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed it betwixt the contents list and the book itself - he informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived at the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider the true state of man - or, to shorten my translation, for Slawkenbergius's book is in Latin, and somewhat prolix - 'ever since I understood what was what,' quoth Slawkenbergius, 'and could see that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled by others, I have felt a mighty and irresistible call to undertake this myself.'


And to do justice to _Slawkenbergius_, he has entered the list with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one man who had ever entered it before him----and indeed, in many respects, deserves to be _en-nich'd_ as a prototype for all writers, of voluminous works at least, to model their books by----for he has taken in, Sir, the whole subject--examined every part of it _dialectically_------then brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light which either the collision of his own natural parts could strike--or the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon it--collating, collecting, and compiling------begging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned: so that _Slawkenbergius_ his book may properly be considered, not only as a model--but as a thorough-stitched DIGEST and regular institute of _noses_, comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be known about them.

And to do him justice, he deserves to be held up as a prototype for all writers of voluminous works. For he has taken in, Sir, the whole subject - examined every part of it - then brought it into full daylight; elucidating it with his profound knowledge of the sciences - collecting, and compiling - begging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went along, so that his book may be considered a thorough-stitched Digest and regular institute of noses, containing all that needs to be known about them.


For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many (otherwise) valuable books and treatises of my father's collecting, wrote either, plump upon noses----or collaterally touching them; ------such for instance as _Prignitz_, now lying upon the table before me, who with infinite learning, and from the most candid and scholar-like examination of above four thousand different skulls, in upwards of twenty charnel-houses in _Silesia_, which he had rummaged------has informed us, that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or bony parts of human noses, in any _given_ tract of country, except _Crim Tartary_, where they are all crush'd down by the thumb, so that no judgment can be formed upon them--are much nearer alike, than the world imagines; --the difference amongst them being, he says, a mere trifle, not worth taking notice of; ----but that the size and jollity of every individual nose, and by which one nose ranks above another, and bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilaginous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and sinuses the blood and animal spirits being impell'd and driven by the warmth and force of the imagination, which is but a step from it (bating the case of idiots, whom _Prignitz_, who had lived many years in _Turky_, supposes under the more immediate tutelage of Heaven)--it so happens, and ever must, says _Prignitz_, that the excellency of the nose is in a direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearer's fancy.

Therefore I will not speak of many (otherwise) valuable books of my father's collection, either wrote plump on noses or touching them - such as Prignitz, now lying upon the table before me, who from the examination of four thousand different skulls, in twenty charnel-houses in Silesia, through which he had rummaged - has informed us, that the shape of the osseous or bony parts of human noses, in every country except Crim Tartary, are much more alike than the world imagines; and that the size and jollity of every individual nose is owing to the cartilaginous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts the blood and animal spirits are driven by the warmth of the imagination. So, says Prignitz, the excellency of the nose is in direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearer's fancy or imagination.


It is for the same reason, that is, because 'tis all comprehended in _Slawkenbergius_, that I say nothing likewise of _Scroderus_ (_Andrea_) who, all the world knows, set himself to oppugn _Prignitz_ with great violence--proving it in his own way, first _logically_, and then by a series of stubborn facts, "That so far was _Prignitz_ from the truth, in affirming that the fancy begat the nose, that on the contrary--the nose begat the fancy."

Likewise, because 'tis all contained in Slawkenbergius, I say nothing of Scroderus who, all the world knows, violently opposed Prignitz - proving 'that on the contrary - the nose begat the fancy.'


--The learned suspected _Scroderus_ of an indecent sophism in this--and _Prignitz_ cried out aloud in the dispute, that _Scroderus_ had shifted the idea upon him----but _Scroderus_ went on, maintaining his thesis.


My father was just balancing within himself, which of the two sides he should take in this affair; when _Ambrose Parus_ decided it in a moment, and by overthrowing the systems, both of _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus_, drove my father out of both sides of the controversy at once.

My father was weighing up which side he should take in this affair; when Ambrose Paraeus decided it by overthrowing both systems.


I don't acquaint the learned reader--in saying it, I mention it only to shew the learned, I know the fact myself------

I am sure the learned know this: I mention it only to show that I know the fact myself-


That this _Ambrose Parus_ was chief surgeon and nose-mender to _Francis_ the ninth of _France_, and in high credit with him and the two preceding, or succeeding kings (I know not which)--and that, except in the slip he made in his story of _Taliacotius's_ noses, and his manner of setting them on--he was esteemed by the whole college of physicians at that time, as more knowing in matters of noses, than any one who had ever taken them in hand.

That this Ambrose Paraeus was chief surgeon and nose-mender to Francis the Ninth of France, and was esteemed by the whole college of physicians, for knowing more about noses than anyone who had ever taken them in hand.


Now _Ambrose Parus_ convinced my father, that the true and efficient cause of what had engaged so much the attention of the world, and upon which _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus_ had wasted so much learning and fine parts----was neither this nor that----but that the length and goodness of the nose was owing simply to the softness and flaccidity in the nurse's breast------as the flatness and shortness of _puisne_ noses was to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the same organ of nutrition in the hale and lively--which, tho' happy for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubb'd, so rebuff'd, so rebated, and so refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive _ad mensuram suam legitimam_; ----but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of the nurse or mother's breast--by sinking into it, quoth _Parus_, as into so much butter, the nose was comforted, nourish'd, plump'd up, refresh'd, refocillated, and set a growing for ever.

Now Ambrose Paraeus convinced my father that both Prignitz and Scoderus were wrong; and that the length and goodness of the nose was owing simply to the softness of the nurse's breast; and flat, short noses were due to firmness of the same organ of nutrition in the healthy - which, though happy for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubbed that it would never grow to full measure. But when the mother's breast was soft and flaccid - by sinking into it, quoth Paraeus, as into so much butter, the nose was comforted, nourished, plumped up, and set a-growing for ever.


I have but two things to observe of _Parus_; first, That he proves and explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression: --for which may his soul for ever rest in peace!

I have two things to observe of Paraeus; first, that he explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum: for which may he rest in peace!


And, secondly, that besides the systems of _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus_, which _Ambrose Parus_ his hypothesis effectually overthrew--it overthrew at the same time the system of peace and harmony of our family; and for three days together, not only embroiled matters between my father and my mother, but turn'd likewise the whole house and everything in it, except my uncle _Toby_, quite upside down.

And, secondly, that his hypothesis overthrew not only the systems of Prignitz and Scroderus - but also the peace and harmony of our family. For three days, it not only embroiled matters between my father and my mother, but turned the whole house and everything in it, except my uncle Toby, quite upside down.


Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife, never surely in any age or country got vent through the key-hole of a street-door.

Such a ridiculous dispute between a man and his wife surely never occurred.


My mother, you must know------but I have fifty things more necessary to let you know first ----I have a hundred difficulties which I have promised to clear up, and a thousand distresses and domestick misadventures crowding in upon me thick and threefold, one upon the neck of another.

My mother, you must know-
- but I have fifty things more necessary to let you know first - I have a hundred difficulties to clear up, and a thousand domestic misadventures crowding in upon me thick and fast.


A cow broke in (to-morrow morning) to my uncle _Toby's_ fortifications, and eat up two rations and a half of dried grass, tearing up the sods with it, which faced his horn-work and covered way.

A cow broke in (tomorrow morning) to my uncle Toby's fortifications, and ate the grass which faced his hornwork and covered way.


----_Trim_ insists upon being tried by a court-martial--the cow to be shot--_Slop_ to be _crucifix'd_--myself to be _tristram'd_ and at my very baptism made a martyr of; ----poor unhappy devils that we all are!

- Trim insists upon a court-martial - the cow to be shot - Slop to be crucifixed - myself to be tristram'd and made a martyr of; - poor unhappy devils that we all are!


----I want swaddling------but there is no time to be lost in exclamations ------I have left my father lying across his bed, and my uncle _Toby_ in his old fringed chair, sitting beside him, and promised I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are laps'd already.

- I need swaddling - but there is not time to waste - I have left my father lying across his bed, and my uncle Toby sitting in his old chair beside him, and promised I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are lapsed already.


------Of all the perplexities a mortal author was ever seen in----this certainly is the greatest, for I have _Hafen Slawkenbergius's_ folio, Sir, to finish----a dialogue between my father and my uncle _Toby_, upon the solution of _Prignitz_, _Scroderus_, _Ambrose Parus_, _Ponocrates_, and _Grangousier_ to relate--a tale out of _Slawkenbergius_ to translate, and all this in five minutes less than no time at all; ------such a head!

Of all the perplexities an author was ever in, this certainly is the greatest, for I have Slawkenbergius's folio, Sir, to finish - a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby, upon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus and others to relate - a tale out of Slawkenbergius to translate, and all this in five minutes less than no time at all. Such a head!


--would to Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it!


As _Obadiah_ loved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music he carried with him, --he very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it.

As Obadiah preferred whistling to any other music, he set to work to contrive a means by which he could enjoy it.


In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a man's head as his hat-band: ----the philosophy of this is so near the surface ----I scorn to enter into it.

In all distresses where small cords are wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a man's head as his hat-band.


As _Obadiah's_ was a mix'd case----mark, Sirs, ----I say, a mixed case; for it was obstetrical, ----_scrip_tical, squirtical, papistical----and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it, ----caballistical----and only partly musical; --_Obadiah_ made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and instruments, and griping them hard together with one hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it, --he tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point where the strings met, --that Dr. _Slop_ must have had three-fifths of _Job's_ patience at least to have unloosed them.

Obadiah did not hesitate to use his. So taking hold of the bag and instruments, and gripping them together with one hand, and with his other hand and his teeth pulling the hat-band down over them, he tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and cross turns, with a knot at every intersection, that Dr. Slop must have had three-fifths of Job's patience to have unloosed them.


--I think in my conscience, that had NATURE been in one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contest----and she and Dr. _Slop_ both fairly started together----there is no man living who had seen the bag with all that _Obadiah_ had done to it, ----and known likewise the great speed the Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in his mind--which of the two would have carried off the prize.

No man living who had seen that bag, who knew with what great speed Nature can hasten childbirth when she thinks proper, would have had the least doubt about which between Dr. Slop and Nature would have won the race.


My mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag infallibly----at least by twenty _knots_.

My mother, Madam, would have been delivered sooner than the green bag, by at least twenty knots.


----Sport of small accidents, _Tristram Shandy!_ that thou art, and ever will be!

The victim of small accidents, Tristram Shandy! thou wilt ever be!


had that trial been for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had, ----thy affairs had not been so depress'd--(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so irrecoverably abandoned--as thou hast been forced to leave them; ----but 'tis over, ----all but the account of 'em, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world.

Had that happened - thy affairs would have not been so depressed - (at least by the depression of thy nose); nor the fortunes of thy house so often, so vexatiously abandoned - but 'tis over, all but the account of 'em, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world.


As I never had any intention of beginning the Digression I am making all this preparation for, till I come to the 15th chapter ----I have this chapter to put to whatever use I think proper ----I have twenty this moment ready for it ----I could write my chapter of Button-holes in it----

As I have no intention of beginning the Digression I am making all this preparation for, till I come to the 15th chapter - I have this chapter free to put to any use I think proper. - I have twenty this moment ready for it - I could write my chapter of Button-holes-


Or my chapter of _Pishes_, which should follow them----


Or my chapter of _Knots_, in case their reverences have done with them----they might lead me into mischief: the safest way is to follow the track of the learned, and raise objections against what I have been writing, tho' I declare beforehand, I know no more than my heels how to answer them.

Or my chapter of Knots - but they might lead me into mischief: the safest way is to follow the track of the learned, and raise objections against what I have been writing, though I declare, I know no more than my heels how to answer them.


And first, it may be said, there is a pelting kind of _thersitical_ satire, as black as the very ink 'tis wrote with----(and by the bye, whoever says so, is indebted to the muster-master general of the _Grecian_ army, for suffering the name of so ugly and foul-mouth'd a man as _Thersites_ to continue upon his roll----for it has furnish'd him with an epithet)----in these productions he will urge, all the personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius no sort of good----but just the contrary, inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is, the better generally he succeeds in it.

It may be said, there is a pelting kind of Thersitical satire, as black as the ink 'tis wrote with - this sort of satirist urges that all the personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do a genius no good - but on the contrary, the dirtier the fellow is, the better he succeeds.


To this, I have no other answer----at least ready----but that the Archbishop of _Benevento_ wrote his _nasty_ Romance of the _Galatea_, as all the world knows, in a purple coat, waistcoat, and purple pair of breeches; and that the penance set him of writing a commentary upon the book of the _Revelations_, as severe as it was look'd upon by one part of the world, was far from being deem'd so by the other, upon the single account of that _Investment_.

To this, I have no other answer but that the Archbishop of Benevento wrote his nasty Romance of the Galatea, as all the world knows, in a purple coat, waistcoat, and purple breeches; and on account of that outfit, the penance that was set him of writing a commentary upon the book of Revelations was hardly too severe.


Another objection, to all this remedy, is its want of universality; forasmuch as the shaving part of it, upon which so much stress is laid, by an unalterable law of nature excludes one half of the species entirely from its use: all I can say is, that female writers, whether of _England_, or of _France_, must e'en go without it------

Another objection to this remedy is its lack of universality; for the shaving part of it, by an unalterable law of nature, excludes one half of the species entirely from its use. All I can say is, that female writers, whether English or French, must do without it.


As for the _Spanish_ ladies ----I am in no sort of distress----

- As for the Spanish ladies - I do not care.


But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the COMPARISON may be imparted to him any hour in the day) ----I'll just mention it, and begin in good earnest.

But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon my mind to be told to the reader, which, if not told now, can never be told to him - so I'll just mention it, and then begin in good earnest.


That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best ----I'm sure it is the most religious----for I begin with writing the first sentence----and trusting to Almighty God for the second.

That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best. I'm sure it is the most religious - for I begin with writing the first sentence - and trusting to Almighty God for the second.


'Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines, &c., only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows the whole.

'Twould cure an author for ever of all the fuss and folly of opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, with the devil and all his imps, just to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows the whole.


I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I look up----catching the idea, even sometimes before it half way reaches me----

I wish you saw me half-starting out of my chair; with what confidence I look up - catching the idea sometimes before it reaches me-


I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man.


_Pope_ and his Portrait[8.2] are fools to me----no martyr is ever so full of faith or fire ----I wish I could say of good works too----but I have no


And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same name----the errantest TARTUFFE, in science--in politics--or in religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or a more unkind greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter.

No-one shall ever kindle a worse spark within me, or have an unkinder greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter.


"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour."

'"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother of our Saviour."


I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. _Slop_, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father----as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud----and as Captain _Shandy_ seems to have no great inclination to hear it ------I may as well read it to myself.

I think there is no need to read aloud,' quoth Dr. Slop to my father, dropping the paper to his knee, 'as you have read it so lately, Sir. I may as well read it to myself.'


That's contrary to treaty, replied my father: ------besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading.

'No,' replied my father; 'there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should enjoy a second reading.'


Dr. _Slop_ did not altogether like it, ------but my uncle _Toby_ offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them; ------Dr. _Slop_ thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle _Toby's_ whistling------as suffer my uncle _Toby_ to read it alone; ----so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin------he read it aloud as follows--------my uncle _Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_, though not quite so loud as before.

Dr. Slop did not altogether like it; but when my uncle Toby offered to give over whistling, and read it himself, Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle's whistling; so raising the paper to his face to hide his chagrin, he read it aloud as follows, - my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.


------Atque omnium clestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium apostolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum _vel_ os Dei, ----Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus hunc s _vel_ os s furem, vel hunc malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanct Dei _vel_ i n ecclesi sequestramus, et ternis suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et _vel_ eorum sicut aqu ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur lucerna ejus in n n secula seculorum nisi resipuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit.


"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of God, ----May he" (_Obadiah_) "be damn'd" (for tying these knots)---- "We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with _Dathan_ and _Abiram_, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways.

'"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother of our Saviour, and of all the celestial angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, and all the saints - May he (Obadiah) be damned (for tying these knots). We excommunicate him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented and delivered over with those who reject the Lord God.


And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him" (_Obadiah_, of the knots which he has tied) "and make satisfaction" (for them) "Amen."

And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless he shall repent (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied). Amen.


os Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit.


Maledicat os os illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.


Maledicat illum os Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est.


Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostr salute hostem triumphans ascendit.


'"May the Father who created man, curse him.


----May the Son who suffered for us, curse him.


----May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (_Obadiah_) ----May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.

May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah). May the holy cross which Christ ascended, curse him.


os Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.


os Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum.


os Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia clestis.


"May the holy and eternal Virgin _Mary_, mother of God, curse him.

'"May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.


------May St. _Michael_, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.


----May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him."

May all the angels and archangels, and all the heavenly armies, curse him."'


[Our armies swore terribly in _Flanders_, cried my uncle _Toby_, ------but nothing to this.

['Our armies swore terribly in Flanders,' cried my uncle Toby, 'but not like this.


------For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.]


os Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis os numerus.


Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes Prcusor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelist, qui sua prdicatione os mundum universum converterunt.


Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.


"May St. John, the Prcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together curse him.

'"May St. John and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all Christ's apostles curse him.


And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him" (_Obadiah_).

And may the other disciples and evangelists, who by their preaching converted the world, and may the holy company of martyrs and confessors who are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him (Obadiah).


os Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, qu mundi vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt.


Maledicant os illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur.


os Maledicant illum cli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.


"May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him ----May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him ------May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him" (_Obadiah_) "or her" (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots).

'"May the holy choir of virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him. May all the saints beloved of God, damn him. May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things therein, damn him (Obadiah).


i n n Maledictus sit ubicunque fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in vi, sive in semit, sive in silv, sive in aqu, sive in ecclesi.


i n Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, ---------------------------- ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.


"May he (_Obadiah_) be damn'd wherever he be----whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.

'"May he (Obadiah) be damned wherever he be - whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, the path, in the wood, or the water, or in the church.


----May he be cursed in living, in dying."


[Here my uncle _Toby_, taking the advantage of a _minim_ in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.

[Here my uncle Toby kept whistling one long note to the end of the sentence


----Dr. _Slop_, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.]

- with Dr. Slop like a running bass all the way.]


"May he be cursed in eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!"

'"May he be cursed in eating, in drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!"


i n Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis,


"May he" (_Obadiah_) "be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

'"May he (Obadiah) be cursed in all the faculties of his body!


i n i n i Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in cerebro.


Maledictus n sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in inguibus.


"May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!


------May he be cursed in the hair of his head!

'"May he be cursed in the hair of his head!


----May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex" (that is a sad curse, quoth my father), "in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!

May he be cursed in his brains, in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!


"May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!

'"May he be damned in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and stomach!


"May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin" (God in heaven forbid!

'"May he be cursed in his groin-"' ['God forbid!'


quoth my uncle _Toby_), "in his thighs, in his genitals" (my father shook his head), "and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!

quoth my uncle Toby], '"- in his thighs, in his genitals"' [my father shook his head], '"and in his hips, his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!


Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis--non sit in eo sanitas.


"May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot!


Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto su majestatis imperio.----


"May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty" ----[Here my uncle _Toby_, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew--w--w--------something betwixt the interjectional whistle of _Hay-day!_ and the word itself.------

'"May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty"'-
[Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew - w - w.


----By the golden beard of _Jupiter_--and of _Juno_ (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick--to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)------all which beards, as _Varro_ tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment; ----every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by--by all these beards together then ----I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever _Cid Hamet_ offered his----to have stood by, and heard my uncle _Toby's_ accompanyment.]

By the golden beard of Jupiter and Juno and by the beards of the other heathen deities, which by the bye was no small number, what with the beards of your celestial gods, town-gods and country-gods, and celestial goddesses - all of which beards, when counted together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards in the Pagan establishment - every beard of which claimed the rights of being sworn by - by all these beards together - I vow that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them to have been there, and heard my uncle Toby's accompaniment.]


----et insurgat adversus illum clum cum omnibus virtutibus qu in eo moventur ad _damnandum_ eum, nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit.


continued Dr. _Slop_, --"and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him" (_Obadiah_) "unless he repent and make satisfaction!

continued Dr. Slop, "and may heaven, with all its powers, rise up against him, curse and damn him (Obadiah) unless he repent and make satisfaction!


I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.

'I declare,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'I could not curse the devil himself so bitterly.'


--He is the father of curses, replied Dr. _Slop_.


----But he is cursed, and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. _Slop_.

'But he is cursed, and damned already, to all eternity,' replied Dr. Slop.


I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle _Toby_.

'I am sorry for it,' quoth my uncle Toby.


Dr. _Slop_ drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle _Toby_ the compliment of his Whu--u--u--or interjectional whistle----when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one----put an end to the affair.

Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby's whistle - when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one put an end to the affair.


[Footnote 3.2: As the genuineness of the consultation of the _Sorbonne_ upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others----'twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. _Shandy_ returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of _Rochester_.]


When my father had danced his white bear backwards and forwards through half a dozen pages, he closed the book for good an' all, --and in a kind of triumph redelivered it into _Trim's_ hand, with a nod to lay it upon the 'scrutoire, where he found it.

When my father had danced his white bear backwards and forwards through half a dozen pages, he closed the book, and handed it triumphantly to Trim.


----_Tristram_, said he, shall be made to conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and forwards the same way; ----every word, _Yorick_, by this means, you see, is converted into a thesis or an hypothesis; --every thesis and hypothesis have an offspring of propositions; --and each proposition has its own consequences and conclusions; every one of which leads the mind on again, into fresh tracks of enquiries and doubtings.

'Tristram,' said he, 'shall be made to conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and forwards. By this means, you see, Yorick, every word is converted into a thesis or proposition; and each proposition leads the mind on into fresh enquiries.


----The force of this engine, added my father, is incredible in opening a child's head.

The force of this engine is incredible in opening a child's head.'


----'Tis enough, brother _Shandy_, cried my uncle _Toby_, to burst it into a thousand splinters.----

''Tis enough, brother Shandy,' cried my uncle Toby, 'to burst it into a thousand splinters.'


I presume, said _Yorick_, smiling, --it must be owing to this, ----(for let logicians say what they will, it is not to be accounted for sufficiently from the bare use of the ten predicaments) ----That the famous _Vincent Quirino_, amongst the many other astonishing feats of his childhood, of which the Cardinal _Bembo_ has given the world so exact a story, --should be able to paste up in the public schools at _Rome_, so early as in the eighth year of his age, no less than four thousand five hundred and fifty different theses, upon the most abstruse points of the most abstruse theology; --and to defend and maintain them in such sort, as to cramp and dumbfound his opponents.

'I presume,' said Yorick, smiling, 'it must be owing to this that the famous Vincent Quirino was able, in his eighth year, to paste up in the public schools at Rome no less than four thousand five hundred different theses, upon the most obscure points of theology; and to defend them well enough to dumbfound his opponents.'


----What is that, cried my father, to what is told us of _Alphonsus Tostatus_, who, almost in his nurse's arms, learned all the sciences and liberal arts without being taught any one of them?

'What is that,' cried my father, 'to Alphonsus Tostatus, who, almost in his nurse's arms, learned all the sciences and arts without being taught any one of them?


----What shall we say of the great _Piereskius?_ --That's the very man, cried my uncle _Toby_, I once told you of, brother _Shandy_, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from _Paris_ to _Shevling_, and from _Shevling_ back again, merely to see _Stevinus's_ flying chariot.

- And what shall we say of the great Piereskius?'
'That's the very man,' cried my uncle Toby, 'who walked five hundred miles from Paris to Shevling and back again, merely to see Stevinus's flying chariot.


added my uncle _Toby_ (meaning _Stevinus_) --He was so, brother _Toby_, said my father (meaning _Piereskius_)----and had multiplied his ideas so fast, and increased his knowledge to such a prodigious stock, that, if we may give credit to an anecdote concerning him, which we cannot withhold here, without shaking the authority of all anecdotes whatever--at seven years of age, his father committed entirely to his care the education of his younger brother, a boy of five years old, --with the sole management of all his concerns.

added my uncle (meaning Stevinus).
'He was,' said my father (meaning Piereskius); 'and increased his knowledge so greatly, that it is said that when he was seven years of age, his father committed entirely to his care the education of his younger brother, a boy of five.'


quoth my uncle _Toby_: --I should think not, said _Yorick_: --But what are these, continued my father--(breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm)--what are these, to those prodigies of childhood in _Grotius_, _Scioppius_, _Heinsius_, _Politian_, _Pascal_, _Joseph Scaliger_, _Ferdinand de Cordou_, and others--some of which left off their _substantial forms_ at nine years old, or sooner, and went on reasoning without them; --others went through their classics at seven; --wrote tragedies at eight; --_Ferdinand de Cordou_ was so wise at nine, --'twas thought the Devil was in him; --and at _Venice_ gave such proofs of his knowledge and goodness, that the monks imagined he was _Antichrist_, or nothing.

quoth my uncle Toby.
'I should think not,' said Yorick.
'But what are these,' continued my father, in a fit of enthusiasm, 'to those prodigies of childhood, Grotius, Scioppius, Heinsius, Pascal, Ferdinand de Cordou, and others? Some went through their classics at seven; others wrote tragedies at eight; Ferdinand de Cordou was so wise at nine, and gave such proofs of his knowledge and goodness, that the monks imagined he was Antichrist.


----Others were masters of fourteen languages at ten, --finished the course of their rhetoric, poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven, --put forth their commentaries upon _Servius_ and _Martianus Capella_ at twelve, --and at thirteen received their degrees in philosophy, laws, and divinity: ----But you forget the great _Lipsius_, quoth _Yorick_, who composed a work[6.2] the day he was born: ----They should have wiped it up, said my uncle _Toby_, and said no more about it.

- Others were masters of fourteen languages at ten, finished studying rhetoric, poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven, wrote commentaries upon Servius at twelve, and at thirteen received their degrees.'
'But you forget the great Lipsius,' quoth Yorick, 'who composed a work* the day he was born.'
'They should have wiped it up,' said my uncle Toby, 'and said no more about it.'


[Footnote 6.2: Nous aurions quelque intert, says _Baillet_, de montrer qu'il n'a rien de ridicule s'il toit veritable, au moins dans le sens nigmatique que _Nicius Erythrus_ a tch de lui donner.

* However, Baillet says that to understand how Lipsius composed a book on the first day of his life, one must imagine, that this first day is not that of his birth, but that on which he began to use reason; this would have been at the age of nine years; and we are persuaded that it was at this age that Lipsius composed a poem.


Cet auteur dit que pour comprendre comme _Lipse_, il a p composer un ouvrage le premier jour de sa vie, il faut s'imaginer, que ce premier jour n'est pas celui de sa naissance charnelle, mais celui au quel il a commenc d'user de la raison; il veut que 'ait t l'ge de _neuf_ ans; et il nous veut persuader que ce fut en cet ge, que _Lipse_ fit un pome.


In the whole catalogue of those whiffling vexations which come puffing across a man's canvass, there is not one of a more teasing and tormenting nature, than this particular one which I am going to describe----and for which (unless you travel with an avance-courier, which numbers do in order to prevent it)----there is no help: and it is this.

Of all the whiffling vexations which come puffing across a man's canvas, there is not one more teasing and tormenting than this:


That be you in never so kindly a propensity to sleep----tho' you are passing perhaps through the finest country--upon the best roads, and in the easiest carriage for doing it in the world----nay, was you sure you could sleep fifty miles straight forwards, without once opening your eyes--nay, what is more, was you as demonstratively satisfied as you can be of any truth in _Euclid_, that you should upon all accounts be full as well asleep as awake----nay, perhaps better ----Yet the incessant returns of paying for the horses at every stage, ----with the necessity thereupon of putting your hand into your pocket, and counting out from thence three livres fifteen sous (sous by sous), puts an end to so much of the project, that you cannot execute above six miles of it (or supposing it is a post and a half, that is but nine)----were it to save your soul from destruction.

That be you never so ready for sleep - tho' you are passing perhaps through the finest country, upon the best roads, and in the easiest carriage in the world - nay, even if you were sure you could sleep for fifty miles, without once opening your eyes - yet the necessity of paying for the horses at every stage - of putting your hand into your pocket, and counting out three livres fifteen sous, puts an end to rest so effectively that you cannot sleep above six miles, to save your soul from destruction.


--I'll be even with 'em, quoth I, for I'll put the precise sum into a piece of paper, and hold it ready in my hand all the way: "Now I shall have nothing to do," said I (composing myself to rest), "but to drop this gently into the post-boy's hat, and not say a word."

'I'll be even with 'em,' quoth I, 'for I'll put the precise sum into a piece of paper, and hold it ready in my hand all the way. Now I shall have nothing to do,' said I (composing myself to rest), 'but to drop this gently into the post-boy's hat, and not say a word.'


----Then there wants two sous more to drink----or there is a twelve sous piece of _Louis_ XIV.

But then he wants two sous more to drink - or there is an old twelve sous piece


which will not pass--or a livre and some odd liards to be brought over from the last stage, which Monsieur had forgot; which altercations (as a man cannot dispute very well asleep) rouse him: still is sweet sleep retrievable; and still might the flesh weigh down the spirit, and recover itself of these blows--but then, by heaven!

which will not pass - or a livre to be brought over from the last stage, which Monsieur had forgot; still sweet sleep is retrievable; and still might the flesh recover from these blows - but then, by heaven!


you have paid but for a single post--whereas 'tis a post and a half; and this obliges you to pull out your book of post-roads, the print of which is so very small, it forces you to open your eyes, whether you will or no: Then Monsieur _le Cur_ offers you a pinch of snuff----or a poor soldier shews you his leg----or a shaveling his box----or the priestess of the cistern will water your wheels----they do not want it----but she swears by her _priesthood_ (throwing it back) that they do: ----then you have all these points to argue, or consider over in your mind; in doing of which, the rational powers get so thoroughly awakened----you may get 'em to sleep again as you can.

you have paid but for a single post-stage - whereas 'tis a stage and a half; and this obliges you to pull out your book of post-roads, the print of which is so very small, it forces you to open your eyes, whether you will or no.
Then Monsieur le Cur offers you a pinch of snuff - or a poor soldier shows you his leg - or a shaveling his box - or the priestess of the cistern will water your wheels, swearing they need it - and in all this, the mind gets so thoroughly awakened, you cannot get it asleep again.


It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes, or I had pass'd clean by the stables of _Chantilly_----

It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes that I did not pass clean by the stables of Chantilly -


----But the postilion first affirming, and then persisting in it to my face, that there was no mark upon the two sous piece, I open'd my eyes to be convinced--and seeing the mark upon it as plain as my nose --I leap'd out of the chaise in a passion, and so saw everything at _Chantilly_ in spite.

- The postilion persisting that the two sous piece was a fake, I opened my eyes, and seeing it to be genuine as plain as my nose - I leaped out of the chaise in a passion, and so saw everything at Chantilly in spite.


----I tried it but for three posts and a half, but believe 'tis the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon; for as few objects look very inviting in that mood--you have little or nothing to stop you; by which means it was that I passed through St. _Dennis_, without turning my head so much as on one side towards the Abby----

I tried this for three post-stages and a half, and believe 'tis the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon; for as few objects look inviting in that mood, you have little or nothing to stop you. By this means I passed through St. Dennis without so much as turning my head towards the Abbey.


----bating their jewels, which are all false, I would not give three sous for any one thing in it, but _Jaidas's lantern_----nor for that either, only as it grows dark, it might be of use.

their jewels are all false. I would not give three sous for anything in it, but Jaidas's lantern - and only because it might be of use in the dark.


The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle _Toby_, in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle _Toby_ came.

The corporal had slipped out ten minutes before my uncle Toby, to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle came.


He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up together in front of my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box, leaving only an interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and left, for the convenience of charging, &c. --and the sake possibly of two batteries, which he might think double the honour of one.

He had drawn the six field-pieces all close up together in front of the sentry-box, leaving a gap of about a yard and a half betwixt the three on the right and left, for the convenience of charging, &c., and also possibly to make two batteries, which he might think double the honour of one.


In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his post: ----He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand, --and the ebony pipe tipp'd with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the other----and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was the corporal with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, which faced the counter-scarp, where the attack was to be made that morning.

In the rear and facing this gap, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, the corporal had taken his post. He held the ivory pipe, leading to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand, and the ebony pipe, which led to the battery on the left, in his other hand. With his right knee firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, the corporal, with his Montero-cap upon his head, was furiously playing off his two batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, where the attack was to be made that morning.


His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two; --but the pleasure of the _puffs_, as well as the _puffing_, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle _Toby_ joined him.

His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two; but the pleasure of the puffs, as well as the puffing, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and had drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle Toby joined him.


'Twas well for my father, that my uncle _Toby_ had not his will to make that day.

'Twas well for my father, that my uncle Toby was not due to write his will that day.


In mentioning the word _gay_ (as in the close of the last chapter) it puts one (_i.e._ an author) in mind of the word _spleen_----especially if he has anything to say upon it: not that by any analysis--or that from any table of interest or genealogy, there appears much more ground of alliance betwixt them, than betwixt light and darkness, or any two of the most unfriendly opposites in nature----only 'tis an undercraft of authors to keep up a good understanding amongst words, as politicians do amongst men--not knowing how near they may be under a necessity of placing them to each other----which point being now gain'd, and that I may place mine exactly to my mind, I write it down here--

In mentioning the word gay (as in the close of the last chapter) it reminds an author of the word spleen: not that there appears to be any more common ground betwixt them, than betwixt light and darkness - only 'tis a craft of authors to keep up a good understanding amongst words, as politicians do amongst men - not knowing how soon they may need to use them together - so I write it down here-


This, upon leaving _Chantilly_, I declared to be the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon; but I gave it only as matter of opinion.

This, upon leaving Chantilly, I declared to be the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon; but that was only my opinion.


I still continue in the same sentiments--only I had not then experience enough of its working to add this, that though you do get on at a tearing rate, yet you get on but uneasily to yourself at the same time; for which reason I here quit it entirely, and for ever, and 'tis heartily at any one's service--it has spoiled me the digestion of a good supper, and brought on a bilious diarrha, which has brought me back again to my first principle on which I set out----and with which I shall now scamper it away to the banks of the _Garonne_--

I still hold the same view - only I had not then enough experience of its working to add that, though you do get on at a tearing rate, yet it makes you uneasy; for which reason I here quit it entirely, and for ever. - It spoiled the digestion of a good supper, and brought on a bilious diarrhoea, which brings me back again to my first principle - with which I shall now scamper away to the banks of the Garonne-


----No; ----I cannot stop a moment to give you the character of the people--their genius----their manners--their customs--their laws----their religion--their government--their manufactures--their commerce--their finances, with all the resources and hidden springs which sustain them: qualified as I may be, by spending three days and two nights amongst them, and during all that time making these things the entire subject of my enquiries and reflections----

No; - I cannot stop a moment to give you the character of the people - their manners - their customs - their laws - their religion - their commerce: qualified as I may be, by spending three days amongst them-


Still--still I must away----the roads are paved--the posts are short--the days are long--'tis no more than noon --I shall be at _Fontainbleau_ before the king----

Still I must away - the roads are paved - the post-stages are short - the days are long - I shall be at Fontainebleau before the king-


Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack.

Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy preparing for the attack.