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YURTMOB

The architecture of our world is broken.

The unwashed can't or won't recognize it, but we do. The forgotten spaces on the edge. The music of the pipes. The geometry twisted in knots by straining minds, the flowing matter in the deep darkness, the unplumbed depths of utter madness. You should have gone before you left.

Welcome to The Bathrooms.

If you hydrate too much while exploring, you might sink out of reality and find yourself in The Bathrooms. Here the air is muggy, filled with that half-smell of urinal cakes, and your breath comes back in echoes. No matter which stall you pick, you'll never feel alone.
This is where the real shit goes down.

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🪠 RECENT THREADS 🪠

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Top of Page
One Person's Trash...
Meeting of the Minds
Wild Bathrooms
Threat Entity
I messed up.
Pray to the Porcelain God
Found one in the wild
Day 382
Bath Buddies Thread :)
Come on guys
Creepy Motel Visit
Old Country Shithole
Threat Entity
Looking for An Honest Bathroom
Scatomancy Thread
Revelations in a bathroom stall.
nakey
It's Nothing
Title of Thread
Paralysis
Weird Bathroom Story
Threat Entity
Way Too Clean
temptation
Once More Unto
Is My Fan Weird?
Look, see.
Work Troubles
igotta Godonthere
i hate australia
shit
The Horrible Truth, and What I Saw
CRAP RAT
Something weird is going down
Question
hmm
my bathroom
BATHBROS??? WE GOT TOO COCKY????
Creepy Urinals Thread
On Holiday in Japan!
Behind the Scenes

One Person's Trash… | NewAgeCackle | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

Bin.

Been monitoring this trash bin at my gas station's restroom for two years come today. Some things I've salvaged:

A grape-flavored Nerds candy box, filled with a viscous, purple liquid. Consumption caused temporary blindness but was otherwise delectable.
Ten unused pieces of toilet paper, a number scrawled on each in blue pen. If I'm arranging them correctly, they spell out the coordinates for a convenience store in Liverpool, England (or, as the Brits say, a "corner shop").
An entire clown costume, including a red nose and wig. Notably, the wig has been torn apart and covered in dye.
A sealed jug of grape juice.
Three baby possums. When I picked them up, they looked up at me and said something in Spanish. I don't know what they said, but they sounded angry.
A middle-aged, completely hairless man. I found him in a fetal position, but when I pulled him out, he scampered out of the bathroom and howled like a hyena. He looked sticky.

I'll update with more treasures as they come, bathbros.

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

Bullshit a man didn't come out of that
Post video

NewAgeCackle | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

He was condensed, like a genie
Part of the reason he was in a fetal position

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

Mods there's a liar

🪥

meeting of the minds | thebeatlesboiledmydog | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

pic from my work

okay, need y'all to settle a bet with a friend real quick, it's under right?

JUNIOR MODERATOR TGILogsday | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 23 Hours Ago

Hiya pal!
Looks like you're trying to start a debate over the Question. Due to recent events, the moderators have unanimously decided that arguments over this have gotten completely out of hand and are banning all further discussion of it on the site, effective immediately. Any further attempts to discuss it or the Southpaw incident will be met with a month-long ban by staff.
In the meantime, community member GERKHAN has set up unofficial IRC channel #thethunderbowl for further Question discussion. Age limit 18+.

THREAD CLOSED: PLUNGE IT DOWN

🪥

Wild Bathrooms | BathroomGardener | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 22 Hours Ago

A wildbathroom, with toilet and shower (eventually the head will extend further outward).

Who here's heard of the wild bathroom?
You can find them dotted across the countryside, typically near hot springs. Usually, there's only a toilet or some plumbing, but occasionally you can find one with a full shower or sink.
If you do come across one, use it. You won't regret it.
A wild bathroom's not like a man-made one. You aren't just dumping your waste in it and moving on. When you shower or pee or wash your hands with a wild bathroom, it's like you're part of its ecosystem, of nature.
It's like gardening, you give it the right soil, the right water, care and attention, and you feel like you're a part of it — a part of something real and living.
I've heard if you keep coming back, keep giving yourself to it, you can watch it grow, year after year. You'll see tiles poke their heads up from the ground like spring buds, watch copper piping crawl up a sink sprout, witness the first time the shower erupts into a fountain of clear water.

One with a new sink, see how the facets haven't bloomed yet!

They're beautiful.

ShowerGremlins | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 20 Hours Ago

that's explicitly not a room

BathroomGardener | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

It is if you make room in your heart.
<3

🪥

Threat Entity | plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 21 Hours Ago

Threat Entity!

THREAT ENTITY

🪥

I messed up. | ThreeFace | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 20 Hours Ago

too much in there now.

I can't go in there any more bathbros. It's honestly taking a lot for me to post this. I feel like no one will listen. If no one else believes me, you guys will.
I used to plan all my exploration out in the crapper for the vibes. But I've spent so long thinking about haunted cisterns and cursed flushes… I think I somehow imbued my own sanctuary with psychic energy. Is that possible? Has anyone experienced this?
In the dark I hear the pipes hum with unnatural life. Same song every night, resonating through the plumbing. I'm beginning to learn the tune.

🪥

Pray to the Porcelain God | sink_or_swim | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 19 Hours Ago

Where I've been, and where I am

This is the girls' bathroom at the Skylar Reformatory for Youth. I smoked my first cigarette in the stalls behind me — or, at least, where the stalls used to be. They had to tear up that whole half of the room, after what happened. I can still remember the exact spot you had to whack, with the palm of your hand (still got the callouses) to make that vent window on the right pop out of its hinge, so you could wriggle your way out to sweet blessed freedom. I might even know which of my classmates wrote that bit of grafitti that says "GACY," and what their frame of mind was at the time. Standing here in the dust and grime, it's not hard to feel a little homicide in the air.
I grew up in this place — not the bathroom, specifically, but it played its part — and all these years later, I still can't forgive it for that.
The nuns had funny ideas about theology. Something about the modern institution of plumbing really resonated with them: suppressing the unclean and poisonous, pushing it down as far as it would go until you could forget it was ever a part of you to begin with. Sister Adeline started the ritual back in the sixties, they say, and it caught on fast. Here's what we did, what we all did: every time we had an impure thought, every time we longed for something beyond our institutional white brick "home," every time we had what I might characterize as a slender ray of almost-hope, we were to write it down on a piece of toilet paper in black ink and flush it down the johns.
I wish I was joking.
The things I put into those pipes, man… Some of them were pretty tame, because of course it didn't take much to offend that big jealous fella up in the sky, and some of them make me blush to think about even all these long years later. I had friends who wrote down much, much worse things, things that if they hadn't been kept between us, the toilet paper, and the flushing confessionals would have precipitated some pretty severe lashings (and I'm not talking about tongue-lashings, you understand). That's what I mean when I say that I'm not surprised to see someone came back here with a can of spraypaint and a serial killer's name on their mind. I'd be surprised if some of these kids didn't end up on the evening news, the shit they put us through in here…
…until the pipes burst. All of them. Every pipe in the entire building just EXPLODED, all of them, all at once — while everyone was away on summer vacation, visiting friends and family. When we got back, there was practically nothing left worth salvaging, because of what came out of those pipes.
Toilet paper dissolves pretty fast, and the ink we used was nothing special. Why, then, do you suppose that all the toilets turned out to have been filled with caustic acid?
Kinda nice to imagine, in some twisted and perverted way, that buildings are haunted by our experiences just the same way we are.

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

lol u doxd urself

sink_or_swim | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

What?

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

ur a skyler

sink_or_swim | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

So, in your mind, the Skylar Reformatory was a place that reformed people named Skylar into people not named Skylar?

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

lol ur right sorz, ur name is diffrent now so ur fine

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

as long as u graduated

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

did u graduate

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

hi

🪥

Found one in the wild | NumberTwo | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

The red bathroom.

Long time lurker, first time poster here. Was over in Los Angeles for the weekend and I found the eeriest bathroom I've ever seen — I instantly thought of you guys. Felt like I was walking into a different world. Don't believe me? See for yourself…

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

This bathroom was made on a set at Elstree Studios for the film The Shining. OP, this forum is for true stories only. File deleted because I do not want to deal with a lawsuit over this. Do this kind of thing again and you'll get a ban.

pisspi | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 19 Hours Ago

OP's an ass but this bathroom always messed with me because it's distinctly out of place with the overlook's aesthetic and I never see anyone talk about it.

Stalled | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 19 Hours Ago

It's one of the best scenes by far in what's already a fantastic movie. Did you know Kubrick swapped Nicholson's place on the screen with Charles Grady (played by English actor Philip Stone) 50 seconds into the scene? It's both symbolic of Nicholson's arc as well as jarring for the audience. The red of the walls also relates to the repeated themes of horror, anxiety, and paranoia (we see this in the blood elevator and even Danny's costuming!)
And then when Jack enters the empty gold room and sits at the bar, he says "God, I'd give anything for a drink. I'd give my god-damned soul for just a glass of beer.” Then Lloyd appears at the bar wearing a red suit! This symbolizes the devil appearing right when Jack is at his weakest.
Fantastic screenplay.

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

What the fuck are you talking about. Closing this thread as we're far enough off-topic. Take this discussion elsewhere, please.

THREAD CLOSED: AIRING OUT THE ROOM

🪥

Day 382 | heywatchthis | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 19 Hours Ago

Still.

Still stuck. Door still won't open. Still got full bars on my phone. Battery still full. Still not hungry, still not thirsty.
Still calling the cops. Still no answer.
Still posting to the forums. Still no replies.
Still here.

🪥

Bath Buddies Thread :) | Bathath | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 18 Hours Ago

Marques!

Thought about seeing where this goes since there doesnt seem to be an existing thread, so drop photos of your bath buddies below! I'll start it off with my very own shower buddy, Marques!
Hes a scrawny lil guy! Look at him go! He usually stays up in the showerhead, but I put up a little net just in case he feels like climbing down the shower. He came up the shower drain once, and I have never been happier than the day I found him! Anyway, this was just a cute story I felt like sharing. Post ur bath buddies below, and Ill get back to you! Don't let the thread die! :)

showerain | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 16 Hours Ago

what the fuck
do u just keep a rat in ur bathroom lmao

Bathath | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Hours Ago

dude fuck off I just wanna see everyone's bath buddies not deal with trolls
also yes marques stays inside the bathroom?? thats where hes supposed to be?? its fine i bring him some cheese once in a while

shitninja | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Hours Ago

whats a bath buddy dude
are we allowed to just make shit up now
you just have a rat problem in ur apartment

Bathath | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

eat shit and die

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

Bathath, you have received a 48-hour ban for unnecessarily inflammatory comments on this thread. Furthermore, please refrain from posting nonsensical threads that hold no coherent objective. Keep it to a single post if you must talk about whatever the hell a "bath buddy" is.

THREAD CLOSED: DO NOT REPLY UNLESS YOU ARE STAFF

mxtoiletto | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 52 Seconds Ago

Here's my bath buddy, his name is Jacques :)

Jacques

🪥

Come on guys | PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 17 Hours Ago

I don't know who's doing applications review on staff but some of these new usernames are really bringing down the tone. Like, yeah. We get it. It's about bathrooms. But there needs to be a LINE, right? Am I crazy?

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 17 Hours Ago

We're looking into it.

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

What is this referring to?

🪥

Creepy Motel Visit | Drillboy | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 17 Hours Ago

So I'm in this motel on my way back from visiting my grandparents and I hear some kind of scraping noise coming from the room next door. After about 20 minutes of the sound I couldn't keep ignoring it so I got dressed, packed my self-defense EDC (every-day carry if you didn't know) and had a look around. The room was completely empty, but that's not particularly unusual for these types of places. The door was unlocked - again, not surprising. Security isn't really a concern, there's hardly anything to steal. So I slowly push the door open, as quiet as I can, and the noise stops. Pretty suddenly, in fact. I thought for sure there was someone there, but my phone had no signal and the motel reception was shut for the night, so I figured I had no other choice but to go it alone.

The tv was on.

I push open the door, with my rechargeable flashlight and my pen-knife in hand. Nothing. Empty room. The television in the corner is on, but it's just a blue screen. Not even static. Everything else is completley untouched: the beds are made, the cupboards and drawers are closed, nothing out of place. Except – just as the overhead lights flicker on – I swear I see a hand pull back under the bed.
I wait a couple seconds, trying to calm my breathing, then I crouch down to the floor and point my torch under there. Nothing. A couple dust bunnies, some old receipts. Certainly nothing living.

The bathroom.

With all the lights on, it wasn't really all that creepy, but I'll be honest, I was pretty spooked. I didn't wanna stick around long. I figured I'd snap a quick photo of the bathroom for you guys (cause it was truly horrid lol), then I packed my shit and GTFO of there.
I'm back home now, but I can't get that scraping sound out of my head. I still can't quite place it. Metal on concrete, nails on chalkboard, something like that. I'd know it if I heard it. Not that I ever want to hear it again, of course.

PurpleGoat | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

tell us more about the bathroom pls

🪥

Old Country Shithole | OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 16 Hours Ago

on a trip with my gf to rome. saw this bad boy during a tour, guide said that it was an ancient roman toilet that hadn't been used for at least three hundred years. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity bathroombros. gonne sneak out of our hotel room tonight — been eating gross italian street food all week in prep for this. will update soon

all lead pipes lead to roman toilet

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

first impressions arent great. its super dark here and theres no security guards, but at least that means no one to disturb my midnight tryst. i brought a flashlight to see what was down the hole, tried shining it down but couldn't see see shit (ha ha). just pure blackness.

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

gotta squat flat-footed to line up m'hole with the hole. reminds me of that time i dropped a fat one in delhi, but without the stench. in fact, it smells kinda nice, like licorice. brought my own roll of tp obv - bidetfriends, find another thread.

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

finally feeling something, after like 15 minutes. was just about ready to call it quits but i feel like i gotta do this yknow. shouldnt be long now

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

having a lot of trouble dropping a deuce. not sure why, felt like i was gonna pull a xyvhaser77 just before i dropped my cargo shorts. farted a few times but no brown matter yet. will update

xyvhaser77 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 7 Hours Ago

it was ONCE

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

i didn't hear it hit the bottom

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

Shithouse? You okay?

OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

SOMETHING TOUCHED MY BUTT

🪥

Threat Entity | plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 16 Hours Ago

Threat Entity!

THREAT ENTITY

🪥

Looking for An Honest Bathroom | GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

So, my friend and I are travelling through Europe and we're wandering around Bratislava. For blocks I've desperately been searching for a bathroom and this gem is what I find.

But there's this crazy hallway, poorly lit and looks like it hasn't been touched since WWII. I swear I've walked for ten minutes before I find the first door – unfortunately, this is what's behind it:

Clearly that wouldn't work, so I guess I keep walking.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Hours Ago

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? THAT'S A BATHROOM RIGHT THERE! BE BRAWN AND DO YOUR BUSINESS! SHOW THEM BRATISLAVANS HOW YOU POOP!
—HOGSLICE

GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

The next door opens up to a room maybe three feet wide and the only thing in it is this:

WTF? This isn't supposed to be here… I thought Zeny was “women”? I keep walking. Must've been wandering down this hallway a couple hundred feet and it curves in on itself, getting more and more sketch…
Next door I find isn't much better than the others:

More urinals! No sinks, no toilets, just these fucking creepy dividers. I swear their eyes follow me as I look around, trying to find a toilet.
The hallway keeps going, so I guess I will too.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

LADY WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE?!? THOSE WILL DO! POP A SQUAT!
—HOGSLICE

GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

Another few minutes down the bathroom hallway from hell and another door:

The fuck is going on down here?

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

GET OVER YOURSELF! STOP BEING SO BETA!
POP A SQUAT! POP A SQUAT! POP A SQUAT!
—HOGSLICE

GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

I honestly can't believe I have signal and haven't pissed myself but I'm still looking… but I'm staring through the newest door I found and I'm speechless:

What. The. Fuck?
How is this even a thing? I didn't come up from underground, where the hell is this park? Sigh. Anyway, that is one dingey looking shithouse. Nope.
I keep looking down the hallway. It's been another who knows how long and I don't even know how deep I am under this city… Maybe I find a sewer soon.
Another door. Another fucking hallucination:

I give up… I start walking towards it and lose my footing. The water is way deeper than it looks. I guess I'll keep looking.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 hours ago

ALRIGHT! THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL!
—HOGSLICE

GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 hours ago

I open the next door and there's no toilet. No urinal. No sink. Just a fucking window and this creep looking in.

Just white, no eyes. Still wearing glasses.
Nope.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 hours ago

NOPE!
—HOGSLICE

GetLostPro | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 hours ago

Finally.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 hours ago

WOOOOOOOOOOO!
—HOGSLICE

ADMINISTRATOR WC_QUEEN | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 27 Minutes Ago

[ADMIN POST]

User GetLostPro has not been heard from since this post. If any users have any knowledge about their whereabouts, we would like to confirm they are alright.

HOGSLICE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 12 Minutes Ago

LEAST SHE GOT TO PISS!
—HOGSLICE

🪥

Scatomancy Thread | BrittleAle | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Hours Ago

my latest scrying session

Just got done with my lattest scatomancy session. What do u guys reckon this is?

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Hours Ago

Shit like this is why we got kicked off Parawatch to begin with.

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

They didn't KICK US OFF we LEFT
Couldn't handle us
Scared them SHITLESS

PurpleGoat | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

looks like it's predicting some kind of weather pattern? Maybe hail? Or a rainstorm?

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

It always looks like a rainstorm, Goat. This is stupid, and disgusting. User BrittleAle, this is not the place for this sort of content. I've deleted the file, do not try this again. This is your final warning.

THREAD CLOSED: MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT

🪥

Revelations in a bathroom stall. | Jobs_on_the_Job | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

Do you ever go to the bathroom to just sit and think?
I've been doing it more and more recently when I'm in the office. I find it calming. When you're in there you're alone, secluded. No-one would dare interrupt you nor knock on the door, tell you to get back to work. It's just you and your thoughts. And the toilet.

A temporary oasis from a cruel and uncaring world.

I had a strange experience today and wanted to see if any other bathbros or sisterns had encountered this phenomena. There's something weird going on for sure.
I went for my scheduled 11 o'clock deposit followed by a quiet moment of introspection. 5 minutes passed, and I told myself I should get back to my desk. Yet, I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to leave the cubicle. I just sat in my little latrine fortress and killed time. I usually just play on my phone, but instead I asked myself the big questions. I thought about my family, my future, what I want from life. What makes me happy. What makes me sad. After half an hour in solitude it hit me — my job makes me sad. All day I send email after email with no point or purpose. It's soul destroying. And bros, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried. I wept like a baby. The weight which was lifted off my shoulders was incredible. It took me another hour to compose myself and leave the cubicle. When I did, I walked straight up to my boss and quit.
As I walked away from him I caught sight of the clock — it was only 11:05. I'd been in that bathroom for no more than a few minutes, yet I swear I'd been in there for over an hour AT LEAST! I don't know how, I certainly don't know why, but that bathroom saved me. It reached out and made that safe space even more the safer for me. It saved me.
I've been a member of the site for over a year now and I can't be the only one with an experience like this. We've been looking for the truth behind the bathrooms for a while now, but maybe the truth is they've been looking out for us the whole time? Guardian Urinals looking out for us. Please let me know, really keen to hear from you all.

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

Never gone to the bathroom to just sit but been to just shit lmao got em

Jobs_on_the_Job | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

SERIOUSLY?!

🪥

nakey | BarryBalls | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

Who else nakey when they're plumbing? I've never experienced the joys of nudity with fellow bathroomers before last weekend, but as soon as I took my clothes off and washed away the flotsam of the clothed world still clinging to my cue ball, BEAUTIFUL body, I knew I could never go back. I want you to picture it. The swath of swirling, unkempt hamburger meat covering my torso, chest, and back. The slight stench of a newly freed body exploring the most intimate of settings. The hard tile and cracked sinks of my nightmares contrasting with the loftiness of the nude form, plumbing out in the cool air alongside four other bathroom-ready men. There is nothing unnatural about any of it. Nor sexual. We, as straight, married, family men all love it. In fact, we spent more time examining our exploration kits thamn we did hunting for the supernatural

Visual aid (you're welcome)!

Butchermouse | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

😮 this sound awesome!!! Love nakey!!!

Butchermouse | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

can u tell us more about it

Butchermouse | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 12 Hours Ago

tell us more

Butchermouse | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

bathrooms wiki

🪥

It's Nothing | WhoTurnedTheLightsOff | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 14 Hours Ago

The sign I saw.

I looked inside and, sure enough, there was a toilet-shaped void in the stall. Just pure blackness where it should've sat. I grazed the rim of the toilet and I keeled over and cried. The secrets of the universe plunged through my ear drums into my brain; they sounded like trumpets on the Last Day. I crawled out of stall like a sticky little baby, stifled by innocence.
I have the taste of grape jelly in my mouth now. And one less finger.

🪥

Title of Thread | doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

Caption

s

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

Is this just… a photo of your bathroom?

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

yes

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

y

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

is thatn ot what this place is

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

for

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

No?

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 7 Hours Ago

k

Lomey | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

clean tho

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

thx

🪥

Paralysis | slurpyjak | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 13 Hours Ago

I have this story that I always wanted to post to the Bathrooms. Something I thought might thematically fit well, but then never actually got around to doing because of… well, reasons. But those have also long since faded away, so I might as well share my story now — before anything else happens.
Back when I lived in the bum-fuck middle of nowhere of southern Indiana, there was this old Marathon gas station that I lived by. The place itself was nothing special — just another roach-infested, smelly, ghetto gas station with a small countertop at the front. It was a tiny place too, somewhere you'd visit once on a roadtrip and never think about again. It was also the only nearby gas station for several miles, so I got used to making frequent visitations.
That Marathon gas station also had a single employee-only bathroom — near the very back of the building, which they allowed the occasional customer to use. That occasional customer being, of course, me, since my naturally weak bladder causes me to have to use the restroom alot.
My first few trips to the bathroom were typical. Random wet puddles on the tile-floor, shredded toilet paper, the entire shtick. It wasn't until my fourth or fifth visit when I noticed something strange. The fake ceiling had a vent directly above the toilet.

It's there. Watching from above.

It was just a stupid vent. Nothing really special… right? That's what I thought too. But then I realized something peculiar. My bathroom visits started to get longer. And not by a few minutes or anything either. It was like, once I knew that vent was up there, suddenly it took me over half-an-hour just to get down to business at that stupid Marathon station.
Of course, that's not all. You might also imagine that taking so many trips to shit and piss would make things easier over time, correct? But no, in that bathroom, the opposite was true. I'd spend nearly all of my time trying to just take a quick leak — and that's not including all the weird sensations and feelings I felt underneath my soft thighs while I tried to dump Pearl Harbor. Almost like fingers were touching me, trying to grab for my ass while heaven and hell collided underneath.
I couldn't understand what was happening in that bathroom. But then, one day, I really saw it… the two beady eyes staring down at me from the above. And then the cruel smile of something horrific. Something evil — watching — biding its time to strike.
Something inhuman, lingering above it's prey at their most vulnerable.
I haven't been back at that gas station since.

PinkJPe | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 12 Hours Ago

no that's just hank making sure you're ok

Lomey | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

thanks hank

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Weird Bathroom Story | TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 12 Hours Ago

So the strangest thing happened to me the other day.
I really really really needed to take a shit in between classes the other day so I rushed into the bathroom I usually use at school. No biggie really. I sat in the largest stall and locked the door.
But something seemed off. Something was weird. The more I looked the weirder it seemed.
The paint on the stall dividers was immaculate, no garish vandalism or scrapings. The floor was dirty, but it didn't looked stained with years of piss. The longer I stayed there the more convinced I got that something was terribly wrong. That I'd climbed up to a higher level of reality. That I was defiling some idealized plane with my fecal matter.
When I went to wash my hands, the mirrors were polished clean without the usual permanent marker stain. I made sure to scrub my hands extra clean.
But when I left I was back in the hallway of my school and I was behind some girl I'd seen around once or twice.
So yeah. It was the girls' bathroom.

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Threat Entity | plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 11 Hours Ago

Threat Entity!

THREAT ENTITY

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 25 Minutes Ago

ILL FUCKIN SHOW YOU A THRAET ENTITY

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 15 Minutes Ago

lol u just did

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Minutes Ago

mooooom the yellownames are fighting

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Minutes Ago

something something go to your bathrooms

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Way Too Clean | SonofDora | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

Sup guys! On one of my urban explorations today, checking out this old nightclub that got shut down a couple years back. Apparently it had some kind of infestation: from what I could find, it seems it was cheaper for the owners to shut it down completely than it was to get the place cleaned up. I'm actually still here rn, so I can't do a full type-up of the history. I'll leave that for later, because it's pretty interesting – apparently this place used to be super popular in the 90's before it was the site of like three stabbings within a month. I digress.
So I'm here in the club checking out the worn-down dancefloor, seeing if there's any unopened bottles hidden away (no dice). It's a pretty cool spot: the club doesn't have any windows, so even in the middle of the day it's dark enough I have to bring out a flashlight. The acoustics in here are crazy, too. None of the noise from the street make it in here, and my voice barely echoes against the low ceiling and padded walls. Kinda feels like a party no-one showed up to. Smells like one, too - there's some kind of residue behind the bar that reminds me of nights I'd rather forget.
I know I normally write up after-exploration reports on Parawatch, but I saw something you guys would love so I thought I'd pop over and shoot a quick update. Over in the corner of the club, down some stairs and lit up by a fire-exit sign, there's a door hanging off its hinges. I squeeze through, trying not to knock it or anything, don't wanna make too much noise. It's a bathroom, and it's wild. Pretty much every square inch of this place is covered in graffiti, which is surprising given it's only been three years, particularly since the signs on the fence outside suggest the club's got a night-watchman. Even the floor has scuffed-up paint marks alongside all the mud and rot that comes with dereliction in this town. Maybe it was already like this before it shut down – an in-joke, a gimmick for people to consider when picking where to go at night.

The Toilet in Question.

I decide to do my due-dilligence and check all of the stalls as best I can, bracing myself for a wild raccoon (or worse) to jump out at me. Nothing. I get to the end of the row and in the last stall, the toilet's completely clean. No marks, no damage, no graffiti. It's like new, there's not even any stains in the bowl. I've attached a picture of the last stall. And that's why I'm here. What do you guys think? Has some psycho installed this post-abandonment? Is it being obsessively cleaned? Is it a magic toilet? I'm open to any suggestions.

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

closer take a photo closer 2 the bowl, its probably enchanted with a curse or spell

EmperorBloke | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

I hate when I have to say this, but higgles might be on the right tracks. You should try writing on it! See if it's possible.

SonofDora | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

Really? I try not to mess with any of the places I visit too much. I feel like that's just disrespectful. I just come here to hang out and tell you guys a good story, you know?

EmperorBloke | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

Awww come on! Just give it a little go. The whole place is covered, what's one little mark gonna do? Besides, it's pretty badass to leave your mark so future explorers can see you were there, right? Like a guestbook :^)

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

yea dont be a bitch

SonofDora | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

Alright, EmperorBloke convinced me. higgles you didn't help. I'm gonna write something like "SoD was here", any other ideas?

EmperorBloke | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 10 Hours Ago

That seems alright yeah. Add a shoutout for us too if you want B) B)

EmperorBloke | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

Hey did you write anything back there?

higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

MODS this guy blueballed us

TwineBeard | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

Yo fuck off to parawatch we dont need ur posts.

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temptation | OUTHOUSE | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

so inviting.

you ever thought about it?

ShowerGremlins | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

i thought about it earlier today

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Once More Unto | sink_or_swim | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 9 Hours Ago

Another journey commences!

On a bathrooms adventure! Just climbed into a new and long-forgotten space for the first time, what do you think I'll find here?

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

Looks like you found a photographer, maybe ask him what's up.

PurpleGoat | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

specifically ask if your posed photo makes it look like you're climbing out

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

nice bum

sink_or_swim | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 7 Hours Ago

Fuck you all, I'm going back to Parawatch.

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 7 Hours Ago

User sink_or_swim has received a one-week ban for the comment above, but the rest of you are hardly blameless here. Come on, people! We're better than this.

THREAD CLOSED: CIRCLING THE DRAIN

reifire_rose | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

What did you expect, slumming it with the shitterati?

falcon_crazy | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

MODS

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Is My Fan Weird? | Royalflush | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 8 Hours Ago

Exactly what it says in the title. I was brushing my teeth in the morning a few days ago, not really paying attention to much, when the fan in my bathroom started sounding off. I can't quite figure out what it was that sounded wrong, but it was something. No doubt about it.
I had a go at recording the audio, but I still can't pick up anything in particular that differentiates it from any other fan. I headed straight here to upload it and have a chat, but I have NO clue how we post audio clips here lol. I resolve to keep my ears open whenever I'm in the bathroom, but I don't want to make it too obvious that I'm aware, in case there's some kind of malicious spirit causing this.

Put it through a spectrogram.

Then this morning, I'm going through the motions, and I hear it again. Or feel it. It's like the fan is itching, or I'm itching the fan, or the fan wants to itch me. I know that doesn't make sense, and I wish you could hear it. Will have to figure out a safe place to upload it where it can't get censored by the mainstream media. In the meantime, I've gone and made it into a spectrogram, see if I can pick out anything in the waveform.
I'll be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm not an audio guy, and I'm not a bathroom fan guy, either: most of my wiki posts have been shower-tile based. If any of you have any insights into this, or even just suggestions for what to do (exocisms, wards, that sort of thing), please do reply!

series_of_tubes | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

looks like a corpse from the side on. spookhy. probably nothing :))

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

When was this? My fan stopped working on Monday.

| Royalflush | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

Can I see?

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

| Royalflush | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

THE WAVEFORM SNARTBASS

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

I SAID IT STOPPED, FARKSTACK

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

u guys r so much more fun 2 read since ur disc threds

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

The forums don't allow audio after the fArtist trolling incident. Hop in DMs and I'll show you a workaround we don't include in the guides.

brodybrodybordybrody | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

Honestly? This looks fine. I'm used to working with a little more detail than you've given us, but this looks like it's within the bounds of expectation for a small domestic fan. When do you reckon this thing was installed?

Royalflush | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

That's a little reassuring, I guess. I think this was put in in maybe 2011?

brodybrodybordybrody | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

THAT CHANGES THINGS! 2011 was a pretty big year for fan-ghosts, you might've heard about what happened to RoXrBig…
GET A PRIEST

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

I've gone and made it into a spectrogram

Well you won't pick up anything with that… you need a SPECTREGRAM 😎

OtterlyDevastated | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 45 Minutes Ago

I can't believe people like you moderate this site.

SternPiss | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 5 Minutes Ago

fuck your sunglasses

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Look, see. | DooDooDiva | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 7 Hours Ago

(red circle)

This is how they watch you shit.

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Work Troubles | Coi_Pond | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

I just want a fresh drink

Just got written up at work for drinking from The Source, bathbros. What the fuck is wrong with people. It just tastes better!

ShowerGremlins | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Don't listen to them man you do you

RealRaven | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Yeah I'm sure you werent causing any harm. The wrote you up for it?

Coi_Pond | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Well there's a bit more to it but I can't say

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Ohhh right. Your "super secret job"

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Mods how much do you wanna get this guys faking it

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

I feel like you're for sure 14 dude. Image is probably fake too.

evan_smellion | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Did they hear the slurping?

Coi_Pond | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

Mods how do I block someone??

evan_smellion | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Days Ago

You can't block me irl TONY

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igotta Godonthere | HokeyDokey | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

pls

gof dman it im LITEALY shaking rn. a rat jjsut went wdown the drain and I asked to go wuth it and it said i needed to "live in filth"?!?!?!
does any1 have guids to living in squalor? I WANNA SQUIMR IN THE PIPES
UPDATE: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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i hate australia | TheBrodiacChiller | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

the right way

whatever sick fuck decided that toilets need to flush clockwise in australia is on my shit list.
i feel sick to my stomach. i can't believe this
i know the meme about everything being upside down in australia but this is too far. i am literally on the verge of tears typing this.

Shitman2 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

You know they don't have a choice right? it's caused by geophysical differences in the North and South hemispheres.

TheBrodiacChiller | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

im crying please tell me this is a joke

MODERATOR HoldOut| 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

Shitman2 First off, that's not even true. The thing you're talking about only affects hurricanes and large storms — it's too weak to affect toilets. Toilets that flush clockwise, such as those in Australia, do that because of the way the water jets are placed.
Secondly, TheBrodiacChiller, relax

TheBrodiacChiller | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

sick fucks. all of them. emu-fucking cucks.
USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST

UrineTrouble | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 6 Hours Ago

Tell me more about this "shit list"

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shit | plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 5 Hours Ago

SHIT

it got out

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 5 Hours Ago

What got out?

plywood | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 5 Hours Ago

evrything

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The Horrible Truth, And What I Saw. | bob_the_builder_enjoyer | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

Friends and enemies alike, I've come to you, to this corner of your truly illuminated knowledge, to share with you my experience with the horrible, awful, and rancid truth about our reality. I should warn the weak among you, however — this story is not for the kind of heart.
Last week, during my voyage to the hell-like, demon-ridden landscape of Florida, I was suddenly imprisoned by Morpheus' grasp during my highway ride. To avoid a meeting with the God of Dreams in such a hostile environment, I ventured to the nearest inn (or, as the kids like to call it, a "Motel") and booked a room inside, resting upon the couch within in a matter of seconds. Soon after, I fell into the realm of the unreal, peacefully entering half-existence.
However, halfway through the night, the foulest expression carried me out of my ecstatic state. A burning wound inside my stomach, the mouth of forever-hungry gods forced me into the nearest outhouse with a distant promise of relief. And so, resting my body upon a throne I sat, ready to get back to my sleep soon after finishing unpleasant business.
But that was when darkness engulfed me, filling the chamber with nothing but an absence of life (it had one of those shitty movement detectors that turned the light on and off). In a flurry, I hurried forward, trying to bring Prometheus' gift back to myself, only to suddenly experience the existence of an otherwordly creature within the room's drainage (I'm an empath).

A direct looking glass into the beast's lair.

Smelling around the once-again-lit room, with my nose full of nothing but wisdom I searched for this peculiar being, eventually coming to realize the rancid sight was coming directly from within the sink itself. With my keen eye I peeked inside, piercing the darkness within as if a sun entered through. And, dear reader, what I found was shocking.
A demon I'd fail to describe as anything but horrid, circling through the pipes of my castle I thought of to be clean just like my soul. It swirled and it moved with its disgusting flesh, barely containing itself inside the drains and fluid buckets as it ridiculed my soul. "You fucking idiot," it said, looking directly into my eyes with the mind of the devil. "Don't stare at me, I'm stuck in the drains, just fucking help me." Not enchanted by its failed spell, I rippled backwards, trying my very best to back off to my suitcase to find my holy weapon against such creatures of the night.
But, banging on the doors to my new prison, I found that I was locked inside the Bathrooms.
I cried out for help, only for no hero to meet my call. In a panicked attempt to not be consumed by the drain beast, I challenged it to a holy duel in which I'm sure the gods above would assist me, only to be met with mockery of the foulest kind. "What," it said, not even kind enough to support its claim with a question mark.
I ran forwards into the liminal walls around me, trying my very best to get away from this hellish fate I was doomed upon, but to no avail, for the building was quite well-made for American architecture. I attacked the bars of my prison with my fists until they bled, tainting the white tiles of the room with crimson. Before I could strike once more, I passed out.

The words previously engraved on the walls of the Bathroom now gained new meaning.

And then, in a fever of the foulest kind, I awoke on the ice-cold floor of my relief chamber, once again within the standard reality, free of the unreal shackles of the Bathrooms. Carefully and with much caution, I peaked into the rat's nest for a second time this night, only for nothing to come out. Nothing aside from sacrilege words, near-silently terminating within my ears. "Drain gaang." Yes, that's what it said.
Legends say those that venture into this accursed room forever hear the beast speak of its foulest words.

the_stoned_rallier | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

Bro, are you a church preacher, abysmally high, or just a bad Gesualdo cosplayer?

DooDooDiva | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Minutes Ago

hey that's my fucking photo i used that first on my post in the thread first asshole
that's fucking plagiarism you cock

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Seconds Ago

That's it, I've had enough of the shit from both of you.
bob_the_builder_enjoyer and DooDooDiva have both received permanent bans from the Wiki due to a history of inflammatory, troll-like, and borderline nonsensical posts as shown above by both of them.

THREAD CLOSED: QUIT CLOGGING THE SITE

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CRAP RAT | ApplejaX | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

AAAAAAAAAAH

HELP HOW DO I GET IT OUT

ShowerGremlins | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

Pee on it.

RealRaven | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

pee on it

mxtoiletto | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

Bathroom friend :)

spirallll | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 4 Hours Ago

pee on it.

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Something weird is going down | Gecco_Insurance | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

There's a ghost in this bitch

This is it. I can't deny it any longer. My bathroom is haunted. I didn't want to believe it at first but there is something seriously wrong with my place of shit.
I've been more of a spectator to this community for most of my time here, I thought these were things I would hear about but never see. But now this stuff is happening I can't help but share my experience. It all began a few weeks back. I began to notice a really unpleasant pain in my stomach every time I sat on my porcelain throne. It was this really bad ache at first, like trying to stir a bowl of chalkboard with a whisk made of chalk. I tried to shrug it off but I began to realise that it was only ever when I was at home, the rest of the time my shits were completely normal.
The more time went on the worse my shitting situation got. My ass was ripping me a new one each time I tried to relieve myself. Sometimes shit wouldn't even come out, it'd just be the constant sound of farts rippling through the air as I desperately tried to push out my shit, to no avail. I've been trying to figure out anything that I could do to try and help my bowel movements: massages, dieting, I've even tried to pick up some basic exorcism skills, but I think this spirit is some nasty malevolent thing.
I'm starting to get worried. Sometimes I end up shitting way more than I probably should, like it just feels like my ass keeps shitting and shitting and shitting. Worst of all, I checked my shit and there was even some blood in it one time. I asked some people in a server I'm in for their thoughts on it but they couldn't really give me the answer I was looking for.
I was hoping I could maybe get some advice here on what you all think I should do.

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | Five Minutes Ago

Uhhh OP I think you should maybe just go to the doctors about this one.

Gecco_Insurance | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | Three Minutes Ago

No you don't get it. There's something really weird going on here and I'm not sure what's up. Sometimes my shit's all broken up when it comes out and just rushes out and makes this wet slapping noise as it all hits the walls of the bowl. If that isn't an evil spirit then I don't know what is.

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | Thirty Seconds Ago

Okay I think we're way past the TMI point now. Please just go see a doctor.

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Question | DooDooDiva2 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

Gateway to mystery?!

Hey doink, I have a question about this bathroom pic you posted earlier!
Where does the toilet window lead.

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

its just a cabinet lol

DooDooDiva2 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

Oh.
So it doesn't, say, provide access to an alternate bathroom dimension or anything like that? Ha ha ha

doink | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

no it provides acces to t oilet paper lmao

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hmm | higgles | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

hey DooDooDiva2, i have a question to
arn't you banned

DooDooDiva2 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

No, that was DooDooDiva. I'm DooDooDiva2!

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

PLUMBARIUS is right, we need to have a chat with the Applications Team.
That's a perma for you, DooDooDiva2, and if you show up with DooDooDiva3, I'm sending a poop to your location.

THREAD CLOSED: OUT DAMNED SPOT

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my bathroom | STINK! | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

my bathroom :)

my bathroom. its not much but its where i keep my bnunys and they seem to like it.

DanimalsLover1674 | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

I don't think that's a very humane way to raise rabbits. You can't just keep them cooped up in a disgusting bathroom like that. Honestly it's absolutely sickening to see this blatant animal neglect on a board like this. How did you even get this many rabbits in the first place, whatever shelter let someone like you get ahold of this many rabbits should be stripped of their license.

STINK! | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

i dont get them from a farm you can just go into the woods and pick up the bnunies. its free and the cops cant stop you.

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BATHBROS??? WE GOT TOO COCKY???? | Slinky | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

Greetings, urban spelunkers! This post is believed to have contained adult themes, and has been edited by SepticBot! If you believe this judgement to have been in error, please contact my handler, SHWR!

ready for romance

Oh god oh fuck bathbros i think i just blew my chance to get kissed by a bathroom ghost and instead i'm cursed
>exploring bathroom, plumbing as usual
>located in a former school, used to be active in the 80s
>heard stories about bathroom ghosts being happy due to an excess of fecal particals in the air creating a chemical reaction in their ectobrains akin to phermone activation
>friend said he got kisses from a bathroom ghost before and he had so much fun it made mt vesuvias look like a bad vacation spot
>also said he couldn't move his left arm for several days and now hears the bathroom ghost talking to him from his hand and telling him to kill the president but that's besides the point
>figure school definitely has some scholarly apparations
>have my head in the toliet, taste testing the water
>its creepy but not wet
>hear female voice behind me telling me to look up
>this is my chance
>ask if she want some smooch
>toliet immedietely spews assorted sewage into my mouth
>coughing, choking on the poopy, think theres a small fish in there somewhere
>get up and turn behind me to see what i believe was a happy teacher ghost for a split second
>she was laughing
>pointing and laughing at me
>i fall to my knees and puke on the floor
>checkered tiling is nice though, feel the grooves in between gags
>haven't stopped puking since
give it to me straight bathrooms wiki, am i gonna die

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

If you make us edit one single more of your posts, yes.

PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

Yeah great job SepticBot, it's not at all disgusting now

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Creepy Urinals Thread | Burpee | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

Mouth Urinals.

Hey guys the old thread died so I'm making a new one. Remember to try and avoid reposts, even if they're really scary. Here's my first, it's one I saw a couple weeks ago while I had the week off.
Apparently, late at night when no human is around, the gurgling pipes slowly wind their way into consonance, until out of nowhere a choir of inhuman voices rings out, bouncing off the unpolished tiles.
Remember, if someone doesn't give away a location, don't harrass them for it. We all have our special spots.

BeSafeNow | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

circle!

You wouldn't believe how hard I'm trying not to point out the obvious lmao. Anyway here's one my friend (not on the site yet, trying to convince him to join!) sent me yesterday. Fucking weird. See how it draws you in?
Like it's hungry.
Like if you keep staring, eventually you'll tip forward.
Like there's something in there.

firey128spy | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

It didn't smell all that fresh.

Saw these today. Honest review: 3/10. All flash and no substance, terrible targets.
Nothing particularly spooky to them, I was there in the middle of the afternoon and there was a radio playing over some speakers, but I guarantee you if you're ever gonna meet Tinkerbell in a bathroom, it'll be here. No clue if anyone's tried that yet. I might come back and give it a go

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Hours Ago

I wonder if they're by the same company!

Yoooo twins! Been saving up posting this for nearly a month, but I say finding a matching bathroom is a special enough event!

weirdhand | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

vibey…

I was here for a while. You guys know how sensitive I am to reality shifts. I can detect thought-constructs and sense changes in paramagnetic currents as a result of years of training. I'm certain I experienced at least five dimensional jitters while in this bathroom. that's why I took the photo. I think it's a capital-B Bathroom.
It was otherwordly as hell, I think I even spotted a thing.

swatterbuddy | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

A "thing"?

weirdhand | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

yeah

OtterlyDevastated | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

what are the chances?

Okay this is weird. Did we all find a bathroom like this at around the same time? Late Feb?
We should try and go to our respective mouth urinal rooms at the same time, see if we can create a dimensional rift or something crazy like that. Maybe we can get in sync with each others brains or whatever.

MODERATOR HoldOut | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

We're already in sink.

OtterlyDevastated | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

Motion to ban lazy puns from The Bathrooms Wiki.

SternPiss | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

The Urinal Archives.

Jesus H. Christ. This is a fucking gimmick. It's garish. It's flashy. It's all bells and whistles and disgustingly seductive lips.
Bathrooms is dead.
Back when I first heard about bathrooms on Parawatch, there wasn't any of this frilly modern bs. It was just bathrooms. We didn't care about infrastructure or access. Just good classical bathrooms.
Modern bathrooms are garbage. Half the stuff here isn't even about fucking bathrooms anymore, it's about shacks or outhouses or fucking dance floors that partygoers shit on. The quality control of the Bathrooms wiki has gone down the drain. I could post a literal shit sandwich and people would consider it a "bathroom".
If you preferred old Bathrooms, like me, join me at the Urinal Archives.

CrimsonLulu | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 22 Minutes Ago

don't think this is for me, need regular toilets to handle my chronic diarrhea

🪥

On Holiday in Japan! | The Toilet Roll Model | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

Don't rotate your phone, it's this way up! :O

Hey y'all! Just touched down in Tokyo and found some super kawaii (that means cool here) stuff already! Take a look at this bathroom, the urinal's on the floor!!! There's definitely something strange in the works here! A gravity reversal? 4D architecture? A bathroom that moves like a rubiks cube?!??!1
Lemme know ur theories!
ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡

UrineTrouble | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 2 Hours Ago

Is this for real? Please tell me this isn't for real.

CircleTheDrain | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Hour Ago

Hey shit-sleuth, once you're done investigating this get on over to Europe. There's some even wackier goings on there we need you to look into!

🪥

Behind the Scenes | PLUMBARIUS | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | Eight Minutes Ago

Alright, I know this isn't strictly on-brand but I just have to tell someone about it. I've been hanging out in a convention centre, trying to see if there's anything up with the local plumbing — for anyone new, these places have dozens of bathrooms, there's a reason we old-timers call them coriolis nexii — and I ended up following the waste disposal pipes to track down a weird gurgling noise.

What IS this place?!

Well, wouldn't you know it, but I found myself in a whole other world! There's this massive, and I mean MASSIVE space, just acres of damn near NOTHING but weird machines and junk, and I haven't seen a single human being since I left the bathrooms behind! I've taken a peek behind a few of the doors down here and man, there's completely empty rooms, and weird auditoriums, and like… rooms that mirror other rooms on the upper floors, and this bizarre eerie hum in the air, and the signs on the wall are in a language that makes my brain hurt and I swear they're changing when I look away, and I hear voices but I don't know where they're coming from and I think they're calling my name and I think I know them even though I came here alone and nobody knows I'm here and I don't even know how I have cell service in this fucking basement and I'm honestly freaking out a bit right now. What do you guys think? Should I keep checking it out, or…?

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 5 Minutes Ago

boring

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 3 Minutes Ago

Did you find the gurgle?

TeenageShitter | 04/01/2022 (Friday) | 1 Minute Ago

Follow the gurgle back to the bathrooms and fuck this Narnia shit.

< Page 1188/1189 | Page 1189/1189 | Up to Date!

IN MEMORIAM
🚽 Lost in the Line of Dookie 🚽

Gone, but not forgotten:
420ply; BathrubNereid; blevins; deadeye_dick; Cope_on_a_Rope; Crapoholic; MODERATOR DownstreamDancer; Farrah_Faucet; Flushedaway(not_the_film); GetLostPro; grasp_the_handle; heywatchthis; I_bend; LOLoops; LORDXVNV; OoooOoooOoooOoooO; OverOverUnder; pipedreamz; pissant8; pissant9; pissant11; PlungeBand; PM_ME_TOILET_PICS; portmanateau; put_er_there; Roto_Looter; Sisternhood; septicus; ShowerGremlins; ShitblockHolmes; shiticus_maximus; shit; SonofDora; SupernovaShit; thedeadlyflush; JUNIOR MODERATOR Toilet_Humour; Toiletries&Pleasantries; tpEnjoyer; U-bendosaurus; ADMINISTRATOR WholeDoubt.
🧻
"When he shall die take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun."
— William Shakespeare

Support the memorial fund at GoFundYourself.com/GotOffThePot

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michael the kiler by ratking666.
B.Wylie Reviews: GATO! by JackalRelated.


Overview and Responsibilities
List of Staff Members

The Fishing Team is the branch of the SCP Wiki concerned with organizing fishing excursions, exhibiting staff's fishing trophies and assuring fishing rules are respected on-site. More specifically, the Fishing Team's responsibilities are:

Organizing fishing contests (such as 6kon1).
Keeping up to date the Herringtage Collection.
Assuring the fishing regulations are respected on-site and off-site by site members.
Featuring on the front page of piscine-related works.
Allowing wiki members to breathe outside of water.
Finding, investigating and AHT-banning members of the SPC Wiki.

If you have any questions or concerns, please inquire in #harbour17 or message a member of the team.

Captain
stormbreath
First Mate
OptimisticLoach-io
Deckhands
Elenee FishTruck
Fishish
Fish^12
LordStonefish
LORDXVNV
Vivarium2
Hubs
Crabsandra_Prime
NebulousStarfish
Flounderhouse
Squidartha Alonne
Stormfishen
Adfin Contacts
Zyn's fish
Zyn's other fish
Inactive/Reserve Staff Members
Mr. Fish

If there are issues with this page, please contact a member of the Minnow and Algae Staff Team (MAST).

Footnotes
1. Sixth Koi Contest
2. As a lighthouse, Vivarium serves as HQ for the Fishing Team.


I am an SCP author.

Yes, thank you very much. You are absolutely correct.

It is, in fact, quite the achievement.

You see, not everyone can be part of such a refined writing community.

See that guy over there?

I´ll bet he's posting on Wattpad, I tell ya.

Oh, I know "authors" like this, you can see the pro-shipping scum dripping out of their pores, don't you?

Dis-GUS-ting!

We littérateurs on the SCP Wiki will not allow such figures on our site, no we don't. We have requirements, you know? Demands, standards, yes … very high standards indeed, my friend.

Have you seen our Ideas&Drafts forum? I ask you, where can you find such fine craftsmanship anywhere else?

No, I do not read AO3! What are you even thinking?!

Suggesting I would waste my precious time on such platforms!

The idea alone … preposterous!

I think you need to see for yourself, the master-pieces on our site!

You know people are calling us the next Dicks and Asimovs?

Like - like Philip K. Dick?

…

There are stories on this site - oh boy, they will go down in the history of literature!

Especially this one!

…

And?

What - what do you think?

Incredible writing, isn't it?

…

How about this one, then? See, it got over 1500 Plus-points!

One of the highest-ranking articles on the site, a classic!

…

Oh - oh that part's the best!

Always makes me laugh, ha ha …

…

Hm?

What - what do you mean?

Excuse me ..?

Con - Conservative?!

My friend, I must tell you that this is one of the MOST progressive writing communities anywhere on the web!

Conservative writing - I cannot believe how you can come to such a conclusion?

There is absolutely nothing conservative about a secret organization jailing anomalies in underground facilities to uphold an artificial status quo!

Nothing!

What - it's supposed to be subversive!

I bet you don't even know what subversive means, don't you?

Ah, I should've known … pearls before swines.

What?

No - no no no, that story got rewritten ages ago!

Here, see?!

…

Yes, I know, I know, it was quite bad, but -

Okay, I'm not sure why that one is still up here, but this is old SCP. You have to read the new ones!

No, not that one, that is obviously a joke article, can't you tell?

Yes - yes it is, see the -J on the title?

… the J stands for joke.

Like - like J in - in Joke … see?

…

But - but these are just articles no one reads anyway.

Amateurs - no idea how they even got into the wiki.

Must've slipped through the system, hehe …

…

What?

What do you mean, animation channels?

NO - no, they are not part of us! Those are just some clickbait youtubers, they are not authors!

How can you even believe …

Knockoff creepypasta??!!

NO?!

We are NOT "knockoff" creepypasta!

You - you know what?! Creepypasta is knockoff SCP!

"Jeff the Killer"? Ha - ha ha, that's - that is nothing compared to Bobbles The Clown!

Nothing!

(Is there a "Jeff the Killer" Skip?)

(Jesus Christ, please do not let there be a "Jeff the Killer" Skip …)

…

I fear you simply do not possess the intellectual maturity for us.

Maybe - you know, just go back to AO3 or wherever you came from.

Or go to RPC, I bet they will welcome you with open arms!

Yeah …

There he goes … idiot.

"Knockoff creepypasta" … the nerve!

…

But …

But what if …

…

What - what if …

A creepypasta would come to life and murder everyone!

Oh ho hoh, oh boy oh boy!

*Heads off to write SCP-8012: "Scary-faced Skin-Eater Lives Inside My Grandma's Closet"*


please, please stop, it's not funny anymore

please im fucking begging you all


The Intro
Hello, and welcome to the most important guide on this site. If you are here, then I'm sure you have already read our guides on how to write, read, and maybe even tag articles, but none of that truly matters anymore. We have a bigger problem. The Fishing Team has recently discovered a severe lack of knowledge among the current user base and we aim to fix that by asking a simple question. Do you know how to fish?1
Fishing is an art that can only be mastered by an exceptional few after years of hard work and study. The greatest minds known to our world have struggled to comprehend the majestic beauty that is casting a line into a 6 meter deep lake of dirty water and pulling forth a magnificent specimen of aquatic perfection. Before I can teach you the knowledge needed to even gain a fragment of my power, I must start at the beginning.
I was born a poor boy in the outskirts of New Orleans. My father was a butcher with a penchant for drinking and my mother was placed in a federal asylum for committing a triple homicide. I had a pleasant childhood. When I was a bit older I started to frequent the local lake and sit by the shore longingly as I gazed into the water. I would visit every day and ask the same question to my reflection. How do I fish? The reflection never answered because it can't talk, but I did eventually buy a fishing rod. It was that day that my true destiny revealed itself. I would discover the ancient secrets of fishing, gather the greatest masters of fishing, and together we will teach these techniques on to you, the average SCP user.

- Fisherman Dave

The Bait
Before you can even think about catching fish, you have to make the fish come to you, and that means bait. Now, what kind you ask? Let me ask you this, what are you hungry for? I know what I'm hungry for: FISH! That's what fish eat too! Its crazy, they are like a bunch of dirty cannibals.
Back in the day, I ran into a whole society of cannibals. Humans, not fish, can you imagine a fish society? I've read too many young adult fantasy books about that myself. Well okay, more watched than read. Not that I would ever watch that drivel, but when I was living with those cannibals at the commune out in West Texas, they would watch those every night, and I would hear those films through the thin walls of my guest room. I miss the days of silent film, where eight films could be played side by side without disturbing another human. In fact, my love for silent film is how I met the cannibals. I saw a copy of my favorite film, Worm, hanging from a string, and I thought to myself "old boy this is your chance!" So I used my powerful manly legs to jump and snatch it from its stringy prison. Now, Worm bucked and fought with me, dragging me across the whole gosh darn continental shelf! Until it took me to those fine folks up in West Texas.
I had a wonderful few weeks in their facility, they fed me like a king, and put rubbing salts on me so my skin would stay clean. Shame the accident with Kate, she accidentally tripped and fell, biting my second favorite hand off! Why, she was so sick over it she died right on the spot. Unfortunately after that, my friends couldn't allow me to stay there anymore. It was a dark time for the ol' captain. On the bright side, the hook I got as a replacement for my hand completes the sea captain ensemble quite well. I guess the lesson was learned that day. Worms are a good bait.

- Sea Captain Two-Legs

The Hook
Here is a question for you: when you are trying to fish, do you just throw some bait in the water and walk away? Of course not. We aren't feeding the fish, we are catching them. If all you want to do is feed them, then you should just get an aquarium.
You know, I was once the proud owner of a magnificent aquarium, and a marvelous fish as well. His name was Colonel Scrumbo. Now Scrumbo wasn't actually a colonel, but he certainly fought like one. Couldn't put another Betta fish in the same tank as Ol' Scrum without him going after them like the Undertaker in 1999 when he threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell. They tell me that this is generally the case for male Betta fish, but don't you believe em, Scrumbo is a true god among men and a man among fish. Or rather, was.
Ol Scrimmothy, god bless his fishy soul, didn't survive the new Millennium. Now, the vet, she tells me it was just his time, that at the age of 7 he was an old boy by Betta fish standards, but I know the truth. Y2K is to blame! The programmers tasked with preventing it from happening never thought to reprogram the antivirus of the fish tanks! I can't say I blame them; this is what happens when your teachers shun the fish education everyone so richly deserves. On that day, I vowed to learn all I could about the Technical Fish Sciences so that I could help teach the next generation how to prevent further tragedy.

-- Dr. Sherman Fish, Professor of Fishology

The Line
Now, you may think the hook and the bait are the most important tools to a quality fishermen's tackle box, and you would be right. Just use some string or something.

- Fisherman name here

The Spot
Some may recommend that you go to a "registered fishing location" with a "proper license" and not "build a fortress out of old fishing nets and loose rocks", but those people are weaklings and cowards. If you want the perfect fishing spot, you need to pay the cost. You must be vigilant day and night. Anyone who dares to enter your domain is a threat, especially other fishermen. They know what you have and they will challenge you for it.
I remember once I had this premium spot on the west side of Lake Ontario. Fish were literally begging to be hooked, but then I heard a rustling behind me. I turned around and there he was, a 7 meter tall fisherman with fur covering his entire body and massive claws where his fingers should be. It was clear to me this was also a master of fishing. He screamed at me like some sort of animal and charged, but I always come prepared. I took out my utility shovel and threw it right at the man. It missed, but then I took out my trusty knife and threw that as well. It also missed, but it was enough of a distraction for me to run away and hide behind a large bush. The man lumbered on all fours towards the water line. It was impossible for him to see me due to my impeccable stealth and camouflage abilities, so I chose to wait for the best time to strike.
I took a tactical fetal position behind that bush and waited. Unfortunately, due to the comfortable ground on which I sat, I accidentally fell asleep and woke up 12 hours later. By that time, the fishermen had foolishly left the premium spot behind, allowing me to claim it once more. I had won the battle and stood victorious, at least until a local ranger stopped by to tell me this was "bear territory" and it "wasn't safe to fish here". It was clearly a lie, I had never even seen a "bear". I left after they started threatening me, but I did learn a lesson that day: if you are picking a good fishing spot, pick one where the rangers won't see you. That way they can't warn you about "bears" and try to "keep you safe".

- u/Barry, moderator of BearsArentReal.com, Fishing Division

The Outro
That's the end of that. I would like to thank everyone who took the time to educate themselves on the proper techniques and knowledge needed to fish like a true master. I have faith that anyone who paid attention will now be able to not only fish for themselves, but also live a more fulfilling life.
I know you probably have more questions but do not worry. The Fishing Team has more guides in the works like "What is a fish?", "How to eat fish", and "How to safely neutralize hydrochloric acid using common fishing equipment". Keep an eye out for these and other Fishing Team related initiatives.
Thank you, and long may the Fishing Team reign!

- The Adfinistrator

Footnotes
1. The answer is no, you don't, and you probably never will.


This is Director Nicholas Schwarz of Compound-87 located in Sloth's Pit, Wisconsin, cryptonym S & P Cannery. Central command, if you're hearing this, then Compound-87 has fallen. I repeat, Compound-87 has fallen.
The Fishing Team has mutinied. The claim that we have stonewalled their efforts to trawl Gray Lake for evidence of live sharks— we did not need to! There are no sharks in Gray Lake! All of the sharks come from That Giant Invisible Hole In The Sky That Sharks Keep Falling Out Of (not the one in Australia). Sidebar: why has the city council not agreed to change the town's name to 'That Giant Invisible Hole In The Sky That Sharks Keep Falling Out Of (not the one in Australia)'? It's much more sensible than naming the city after a pit that doesn't exist!
Sublevels A through C remain the only ones that are unclaimed by the mutinous Fishing Team. They aim to use our own techniques against us, and claim we have not been thorough enough in our campaign against shark kind! Pfeh! Did those that died valiantly in the five Shark Autumns mean nothing to them? The Christmas campaign against the Polar Landsharks? Or what of our continued efforts to hunt down the Sharkman, who roams the woods of this accursed burgh? I— oh shit!
They are firing FIST Munitions, I repeat, they are firing First Impact Sellular Trauma munitions. They aim to kill us with our own technology! They are claiming we are as bad as sharks! They are claiming I am a shark! I am not! I am Director Nicholas Schwarz! A veteran of the Kalahari Campaign! I fought in ten consecutive Shark Weeks! I have lost my right arm for this organization, and have had it replaced with one made of pure gold, perfect for crushing the skulls of sharks!
They are breaking down the door! Tell my wife—
"That you are an impostor!"
Good lord! A facsimile of myself stands before me!
"You are the facsimile! The real Director Schwarz, myself, has a golden left arm. Agent Wright, Agent November, dispatch of this fraud, as you have dispatched our other duplicates."
Fine! I'm rumbled. But don't take a step closer. I may be a shark, but I am a shark with your biometrics! How does a taste of the PISCINE Device sound?
"No! Don't! You'll transmogrify the entirety of the Compound into piscine matter!"
More food for myself! Sic transit The Shark Punching Center mundi.
"That's… that's not even close to an accurate— what am I doing I should just be punching you."
YOU FOOL! This site, and everyone in it, shall now perish!
«Error: Selachian Biomass Detected. Reversing Polarity…»
What? No, wait! ARRRGHHHH!
«Determining Minimum Safe Distance. Ejecting Obsolete Selachian Biomass…»

Site-87 Barracks
Sloth's Pit, Wisconsin
April 8th

"Okay, so… the fish rain last week. That was weird, right? Even by town standards?" Agent Seren Pryce spoke past her toothbrush. She spat, before continuing, "Like, what the hell does fish rain have to do with the town?"
"We're not the only people in it." Agent Raymond February shrugged, taking out his floss. "Hey, we ever figure out what that explosion at the S & P Cannery last week was?"
"Space heater caught fire." Pryce sighed. "It figures that, of all the places in this damn town, the fish-packing plant is the one place to have normal problems."

|Hub|


I have spent the past year trapped in an acid bath.


BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
All Foundation personnel are required to heed this warning. This message takes priority over all other containment protocols and procedures.

OPEN THIS FILE IMMEDIATELY

WARNING: A ZK-CLASS "REALITY-FAILURE" SCENARIO IS IMMINENT DUE TO SCP-001 ACTIVITY

Attention all personnel of the SCP Foundation:
Effective immediately, all information regarding SCP-001 is declassified. All efforts to maintain the Veil are to cease, and resources directed towards containment of SCP-001. Containment Procedures for Safe-Class and non-hostile Euclid-Class objects are no longer considered a priority, and are to cease so that all personnel may focus on SCP-001. All Thaumiel-Class objects reserved for use in the event of an XK-Class "End-of-the-World" Scenario are to be deployed immediately. All Mobile, Stationary, and Special Task Forces are being moved to "active" status. All emergency treaties and cease-fires with Groups of Interest 004 (Church of the Broken God), 011 (Global Occult Coalition), 012 (Marshall Carter and Dark), 019 (Serpent's Hand), and 102 (Unusual Incidents Unit) are now in effect and must be observed by Foundation personnel. For specific instructions staff are advised to contact their supervisors, who will receive detailed information from Site-01.
Four hours ago, the O5 Council received credible information that confirmed the following:

An SCP-001 instance ("Author-Entity") has breached reality and entered the Noosphere.

The instance is making preparations to initiate a ZK-Class "Reality-Failure" Scenario.

These preparations cannot conclude without the presence of 2 other SCP-001 instances.

There is a >95% chance of 2 additional instances appearing within the next 24 hours.

There is a possibility that Foundation intervention can delay or suspend these preparations.

The O5 Council determined this threat to be both universal in scope and existential in severity. By unanimous vote, the O5 Council has declared that the universe is in a state of emergency. Judgement day has arrived everyone. I don't know what will happen, but I do know this: We will not go quietly.
O5-1

Conwell
Today at 5:18 PM

https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com fell below deletion threshold, need two witnesses

Vivarium
Today at 5:24 PM

Witnessed

Jerden
Today at 5:26 PM

Witness

Conwell
Today at 5:27 PM

Cool beans

Jerden
Today at 5:29 PM

I can't get wikidot to load for some reason

Vivarium
Today at 5:29 PM

TawnyOwlJones
Today at 5:30 PM

@ADMIN this is urgent

Conwell
Today at 5:30 PM

hey Tawny, what's up?

TawnyOwlJones
Today at 5:31 PM

Conwell, someone deleted the wiki.
Like, the entire wiki.

Conwell
Today at 5:31 PM

…

Conwell
Today at 5:32 PM


close

Info

X

⚠ Content warning: This article contains gore and genocide.

⚠ content warning

Identifier: SoI-004
Estimated Population:

Scientific Name: Homo postdescensus1
<200

Threat Level: Green

Concerning Individuals

Height Range: 0.5-3.8 meters
Weight Range: 2-1022.2 kg
Exterior: Dark brown, clay-like, variable shape
Circadian Cycle: Primarily nocturnal
Life Expectancy: Biological immortality

Instances of SoI-004 are most often confused with Homo sapiens idaltu2 and Homo sapiens sapiens3. They may be distinguished by the following characteristics:

Instances of SoI-004 frequently, though not always, exhibit exaggerated or malformed humanoid physiologies.
SoI-004's skin possesses a consistency similar to clay.
SoI-004 lack genitalia, reproducing asexually through fission.
All instances of SoI-004 are fluent in one of four Afroasiatic proto-languages.

Special Considerations of Populace
Mobile Task Force Epsilon-11 ("Needle in a Hay Field") is to be deployed in response to sightings of SoI-004, which are to be captured and detained. In response to possible population centers, MTF-ε11 may request additional assistance from task forces dedicated to combating heavily-entrenched or large-scale aggressors; it is suspected, however, that SoI-004 poses minimal threat to the Foundation.
Instances of SoI-004 are to be transferred to the EGBAEQ-Site-98 Panopticon for containment. Ethically appropriate dietary needs consist of 23 kcal of root vegetables and 12 kcal of putrefied meat per kilogram weekly; this may be reduced should Site-98 experience budgetary issues.

Description
Species of Interest 004 is a genetically modified offshoot of…

When the Nephilimit died, victims of their own belligerence, extractivism, and ethnic hatreds, their children scattered about their dead empire.
The children of the Nephilimit were not fit to revive the rule of their masters, for only a Nephil was fit to learn the game of Empire… or such was the rationale. In time, the choking cities of the Nephilimit gave way to the vibrant depravity of Scarlet Lamashtu, Violet Inanna, and their Centipede Kings; in time, they would be overtaken by the Children of Flesh and Hair, the clay children of Nephilimit relegated to curiosity; and when day devoured night and the Yeren libraries burned, the nameless children of clay were seemingly content to stay nomadic nobodies.
None among the living are removed from nature, however. As peace from dominion prevailed, the Nephilimit's former slaves grew greater in number. Wanderers became bands, became communities, became tribes, and the Clay could no longer ignore its place in the world. No name had been afforded to them, no destiny to inherit beyond a seeming eternity of punitive servitude… but still, they lived. They were plural — imit — and before them was a future to forge however they saw fit.

The Protarch of the Imit, Adamah, was an ancient and bestial thing, once the curiosity of a Nocturnal Court of low importance. They stood 33 cubits in height, and with time might have stood 33 cubits more. Generations of Yeren had unknowingly instructed them in the arts of Empire, and when the opportunity came to apply such lessons, Adamah was more than happy to oblige.
Former slaves of empire, Adamah was both familiar and welcome to the Imit. Adamah asked for, but did not demand, unquestioning loyalty. Adamah carved the land into imperial fiefdoms, and invited their allies to live peacefully within. Adamah declared all in their purview under the yoke of Adamah, and ensured no yoke weighed heavier than its neighbors.
By decree, there was but one above Adamah, an incomprehensibly vast force of forbidden name. All else — the shepherds and farmers, the warriors that served as Adamah's fingers, even the glass-eyed courtier that interpreted the divine light — were beneath Adamah, and equally so. To declare oneself closer to Adamah than anyone else was a kind of treason, to be punished accordingly. Thus it was, in the immediate days of Adamah's reign.
As Adamah's purview expanded, however, Empire ensured they were less and less capable of recognizing their subjects. From the two-point hierarchy grew subtle castes, wherein those closest to Adamah were regarded more favorably, those furthest less. The weak were neglected, the strong allotted undue power. As these subtleties increased, Adamah grew less and less capable of enforcing the equality of their inferiority.
Lillith, Archpriestess of that unknowable light, looked upon the sick hierarchies of Adamah's empire, and felt disgust blooming in their hearts. Adamah, who sat above the Imit and their neighbors, had a duty to ensure no yoke weighed heavier than another. Stricken with righteous rage, Lillith made pilgrimage to Mountain-Of-Night — atop from which Adamah ruled — to air their grievance.
Lillith's words to Adamah were never recorded; it is known, however, that power-drunk Adamah had Lillith scourged and thrown from Mountain-Of-Night. Lillith rolled down its cliffs for three nights, the rocks cutting their flesh and shattering their skeleton, and when they fell into the saline swamp below, their body was broken and mutilated beyond recognition.
Adamah had been above Lillith… but they were not above the unknowable force Lillith had served.
That great, all-encompassing light was served by seven angels, giants of an age long passed. They had never been under Adamah's purview, and never would. None flinched when the imperative came to punish Adamah.
Adamah, again, stood 33 cubits, and was protective of each and every one of them. None under their purview were large enough to threaten them with splitting… but again, the great angels were not under Adamah's purview.

The angels descended upon Adamah; thus is their lineage:

The right hand of the Selfless First bore into Adamah's chest, grabbing hold of their ribs and tearing from them Eve of 3 Cubits. She would be a scholar of great renown, learning and extrapolating the secrets of the Imitian body — though Adamah's pride would see her force new biological hierarchies, excommunicating her from polite society.
The throat and lungs of Adamah were cut out by the Envious Second, producing Adam of 3 Cubits. Memories of Adamah's life would prompt him to wage Empire; from him come Cain, Abel, and Seth, warrior-autarchs of Iudimit.
The Ingenious Third subjected Adamah to a multitude of terrible wounds, and from them bled Attar of 7 Cubits, that shapeless tyrant. Attar's flexibility would see it survive the destruction of Yenimit; only the armies of Rashidun would have the tenacity to destroy it once and for all.
The Tenacious Fourth severed Adamah's limbs, which congealed into Simurgh of 4 Cubits under some unknown force. Xe would travel East; together with the Eastern inhabitants, Parsimit would come to be. They would be the first to die.
The Lonely Fifth's lashes cut from Adamah their heart, liver, kidneys, and pancreas, from which congealed Ammon of 5 Cubits. Ammon would disappear into the West, to care for its vast landscapes.
The Brilliant Sixth's sorceries drew forth Apep of 6 Cubits from the intestines of Adamah. In its hunger, however, Apep would devour the planes south of Jericho, becoming so large as to fall into the Western Sea. Flesh and Clay would unite to defend against it, and thus was Magrimit formed.
The Seventh must have done something to Adamah, for four of their cubits cannot be accounted for. Legends tell of a great wolf fleeing to the North following Adamah's punishment; could that have been those last 4 Cubits?

When the Angels retreated from the Earth, there was but a single cubit of Adamah left, unrecognizable as the failed tyrant it had once been. Though the wretch that had once been Adamah comprehended the reason for its punishment, it was nevertheless incensed. Its hatred burned the sands to glass, and when the heavy rains shattered the ground beneath it, the wretch would tumble into a cave of iron, not to be seen for a thousand years.
But a thousand years had been nothing to former King of the Imit, and when that Dread Bull Amoloch emerged from beneath the earth, only violence and sorrow would follow.

"The Four", Iudimit, Yenimit, Parsimit, and Magrimit, do not entirely map onto modern notions of "kingdom", "empire", and "nation". It would be more accurate to call them Imitian populations of common tongue, where the language of one followed the rules of another. Some tribes, kingdoms, and peoples might have crossed the lines, and imit might have ruled alongside humans, jinni, shedim, or deva. Yet, it was the Four where the Imit thrived, the Four where their destiny was so intimately tied.
The Four were neither marked by ancestral disharmony, nor some transcendent bond. There were wars, civil, inter"national", territorial, total, truces and surrenders and armistices. So too was there aid, arts, gifts of surplus to those in need. A Iudimite city-state might have allied with a Parsimite village to conquer a fellow Iudimite land; two hundred years later, that Parsimite kingdom, allied with its former enemy, might broker peace between the two.
There was but one constant in the existence of the Four: the threats of Apep and Amoloch. Apep would swim through ocean and sea, menacing the coasts and doing battle with priesthoods; Amoloch, meanwhile, would strike the unprotected flanks where the sick and helpless resided, taking them into its molten stomach to burn. No matter the games of politics and personhood, the Four were united against their terrible wrath.
For eleven millennia, the Four grew, shrank, evolved, and shifted about. Languages gradually shifted apart, new common tongues emerging to replace them. Kingdom and empire and tribe and confederation and nomad came and went, and it seemed that, eventually, the Four might become the Eight, the Two, the Sixteen, the One, so old as to become irreconcilable, even as broad linguistic families.
They were so close.

The Parsimit were, broadly, the closest of the Four to the Ortothan Kingdom. Their various populations had intermingled since the Kingdom was large enough to be recognized as such; it is said that eventually, the easternmost Parsimitian languages were partially intelligible with the Ortothan tongue.
They were, then, the first to notice the four-color banners of Daevon marching into the Kingdom.
The fall of the Ortothan Kingdom was a terrible warning to the Eastern Parsimit; 'but,' thought the Three And One Half, 'why must we worry?' The Kingdom of Daevon was so far away; to the Three And One Half, the Eastern Parsimit need not concern themselves. Perhaps they could send troops to defend the remaining Ortothans, but the Four had two better things to be worried about than some far-off warmonger.
Some thousand years later, the Daevite Empire would march South once more.

Thus was the fate of the Imit:
That abominable thing that had once stolen the names of "Inanna", "Huandou", and "Unseelie" had been torn apart by the Yeren at the end of the Forgotten Age, its remains buried in the west. When, once more, the Empire was faced with a crisis of resources, Empress Blavena II used its burial as pretext to expand.
That the lands were already occupied was not merely incidental: it was favorable. Time was the ultimate enemy of the Daeva, those wretches who fancied themselves better than their fellow humans. Only through continuous blood sacrifice could the Daeva stave off aging; conquering inhabited lands provided not only more sacrifices, but populations which might offset them.
In their bloodied chauvinism, the Daevites did not consider the generations of intercommunication between the Four as their forces invaded from the Caspian Sea, nor the implications of deploying their Scarlet Leviathan.
Parsimitian armies greeted the Daevites with a storm of bronze; the Iudimitian kingdom of Eden was not far behind, pushing the Daevite offensive from the west. The Caspian Sea offensive faltered, Daevite losses mounted, and even their Scarlet Leviathan was incapacitated, castrated by Abel of Eden. For a time, it looked like the Daevites might be pushed back.
There was no one reason as to why the defensive faltered. One could point to Cain of Eden's bizarre offensives; inexplicable agricultural blights; those terrible monsters that wore the skin of the Imit's comrades; defense pacts with obligations never fulfilled. The end result was the same: the Parsimit lost their Northern holds.
Despite their victory, the Daevites were furious. The Imit were deformed, ugly things, utterly unambitious, that did not even bleed; that they had persevered so long against the Daeva, even emasculating the god that embodied their hierarchy, was an insult of the gravest caliber. Their rage was such that they did not even consider the non-Imitian majority that had composed the Parsimit army — for to them, they were pawns of the clay degenerates who'd mutilated their god.
From their newly-established province, the Daeva launched a brutal campaign of genocide against the Imit. The Northern Parsimit were annihilated almost immediately; with time, the South would follow.
There were Three, now; but this was still too many to the Daeva.
When Amoloch stumbled into the newly-established city of Kazenrud, did it expect to find malevolence to match its own? Had it foreseen its capture at the hands of the Scarlet Leviathan? Was subsumption by that pale magician of Raasepula what it had always intended?
When Verdant Amoloch next came to the Iudimit, there would be little left to salvage.
With neither the Parsimit nor Iudimit, the fight against Apep became more important to the non-Imit than protecting whoever remained. When the Daeva offered a permanent solution to the former, the dehorned corpse of Amoloch as proof of their capabilities, all they asked in return was a population transfer.
Ultimately, overextension, the deification of Pallid Apep, and hostility from their neighbors would fracture the Daevite Empire into the Tetrarchy. By then, less than 40 Imit remained.

The Daeva would fall, victims of their own belligerence, extractivism, and ethnic hatreds, at the hands of Ion's slave revolt some six thousand years later; the collective memory of the Imit nearly died with them.
Among the worst ironies of the Daevite's genocide campaign against the Imit was that in the millennia that followed, they would be the sole civilization to remember them. The Imit were immortalized as the monsters that had emasculated the Scarlet King and shamed the Daeva — and in time, they would be blamed for any number of the Daeva's troubles. The royals who opposed Armilus I's reunification efforts accused him of cavorting with Imitian lovers; when the 2nd Empire broke out into civil war, hidden Imit agitators were blamed; a great many unpopular rulers were accused of "crypto-Imitianism" during the brief period of liberalization under the 1st Triarchy; when Kazenrud went to war against Canaan, the Daevite propoganda machine weaved the Imit into their narrative, accusing the Canaanites of being human-imit "crossbreeds"; and finally, when the Kalmaktama stormed Daevon, it is said the Last Matriarch screamed of Imitian plots and subversions.
There was, of course, no coming back for Imitian civilization. When the Daevites destroyed their civilization, they had unknowingly ensured the dominance of humanity. Any attempt to rebuild within sight of the humans was treated as a threat to that dominance.
And so the Imit retreated to the dark corners of the Earth, to await the coming of a messiah that, perhaps, might offer them a second chance.

Recommendations
Observe and contain. With the exception of certain anomalies, instances of SoI-004 are largely passive.

Footnotes
1. Commonly known as "Imit".
2. Herto Man.
3. Human.