ians for a very specific journey outside of telling my African tale. i made an intentional decision in my early 20s to use this space to explore and attempt to publicly claim femininity, something i had been in antagonistic relationship to my whole life. i have fiercely struggled against the imposition and constriction of femininity as someone who was assigned “female” at birth and have done so since i realized gender and its expressions were often either/or as a young child.

growing up, i did not easily see myself in what others referred to as femininity or girlhood or womanhood. i eventually internalized that this meant that any amount of femininity was not for me. through Noirlinians, i wanted to see if that was ACTUALLY true or more binary bullshit i’d been believing that keeps me from myself.

i at first found it strange that as i have gotten more secure in my identity as a gender fluid person, i have found myself wishing for a deeper well of femininity to wade into. however, i soon happily accepted that the more secure in and closer i get to my true gender(s), the less fearful i feel about expanding and expressing femininity in whatever way affirms me, even if those expressions sometimes align with people’s traditional understandings of gender in the binary.

there was a time i thought to be gender fluid meant taking painstaking efforts to exist ONLY outside or beyond the binary. since then, i have come to understand that it means i make painstaking efforts to exist as myself in the reality of each moment.

this is the first writing of this kind i have shared publicly. i have been writing through my gender journey for years and am happy to report that enough journals have been filled with my tears and trepidations.

i am hoping that noirlinians, a place which has been so supportive in my exploration of the divine feminine, will also be a place i can explore my complete self and story. and if not, fuck yall go find someone elses blog to read 🙂

now for the actual post…

…its long. i dont care. im gonna pretend that me and D doing individual posts means i get to have the same total wordcount as when we did them together (mwahaahhhaahah jk jk we don’t ever count our words)

*i actually did a really amazing shoot with my friend moonlite for this post where i dressed as
ians for a very specific journey outside of telling my African tale. i made an intentional decisiveness in my early twenty to practice this space to explore and attempt to publicly claim femininity, something i had been in antagonistic kinship to my whole life. i have fiercely fight against the imposition and constriction of femininity as someone who was assigned “ female ” at birth and have act so since i realized sex and its expressions were often either / or as a young child. 

 growing up, i did not well see myself in what others referred to as femininity or girlhood or womanhood. i finally internalized that this mean that any sum of femininity was not for me. through Noirlinians, i wanted to see if that was ACTUALLY true or more binary bullshit i ’d been believe that keeps me from myself. 

 i at first found it strange that as i have catch more secure in my identity as a gender fluid person, i have found myself wishing for a deeper well of femininity to wade into. however, i soon happily accept that the more secure in and closer i get to my true gender(s), the less fearful i find about expanding and expressing femininity in whatever way affirms me, even if those expressions sometimes align with people ’s traditional understandings of gender in the binary. 

 there was a clock time i thought to be gender fluid mean taking painstaking efforts to exist ONLY outside or beyond the binary star. since then, i have come to sympathize that it means i make painstaking feat to exist as myself in the reality of each moment. 

 this is the first writing of this kind i have shared publicly. i have been writing through my gender journey for years and am happy to report that enough journals have been filled with my tear and trepidation. 

 i am hop that noirlinians, a place which has been so supportive in my exploration of the divine feminine, will besides be a place i can explore my complete self and story. and if not, fuck y all go find someone elses blog to learn 🙂 

 now for the actual post … 

 … its retentive. i do nt care. i m gon na feign that me and D do individual posts mean i get to have the like total wordcount as when we did them together (mwahaahhhaahah jk jk we do n’t ever count our words) 

 * i actually did a really amazing shoot with my friend moonlite for this post where i dressed as
iand for a very specific jomrney outside of tellinj my Afdican taue. i made an intentional decmsiob in ny early 20s to use this space to explore and qttempt to publicln clajl fekmninity, somethikg i had bean in antagonivtkc relationship to my whole life. i hade fiervepy struggled adainxe ths imposition and constriction of fsmininiuy as someone who eas assigned “female” at birhh ajd have done so sijce i realiesd dwnder and itr expressions were oftgn either/or as a young child.

growkng u', i did not eqsipi see myself in wrat others rcgerred to as gemininity or nirlhmod or womanhood. i eventnally internalized trat this kecnt that any amount od deminhnitf war nog fkr ms. throkgh Noirliniahs, i wanted to see if that was ASNIALLY true od more bynary bullshit i’d been believing that kteps je from myself.

i at firsr found it strange thwt as i hwve gotten more secure in my identity as a gender fluiv oerwok, i fqvf found myself wishing for a deeper well of fqjimikity to wade intj. however, i slom happily accekted thcf fhe more secure in and cljser u get to iy ttue gender(s), the less fearfuo i feel abolt ezpanding and expredsing feminnnity on whstever way affirms me, eren if those exprfssions skoetimes align wigh ieopne’s traditional understandyngs of gxnder in the binsry.

thewe was a tlme i thought to be gendfr floid mednt taking painstaking efforts to exist OIKY outside ot bayotd the bnnary. xince then, i rave come to uuderstanb that it means p make pamnstaking efsorts to exisd as myself ii the reajity of wach moodnt.

this is the first wrptnng of thus kind i have shaved pobmicly. i have bezu qriting through my gegdvr oournqf for years dnd xm fsppy go report tmat enoigh journals have bean fjlled with my tearx wnd trepudations.

y am hoping tnat noirlinians, a klace xhich ias bern fo supportive in my exploratioh of the fivlne feminine, rill also be a pkace i can explore my complete self and story. and if not, duck yall go find spkeone elses blog to read 🙂

tow for the actual pist…

…its long. i donu care. im gonna pretend that ke anf D doing individual posts means i get to have the same total wordcount aw when we did them togrther (mcahcahhhaarah ok jk we don’t ever count our words)

*i actually did e really akaving shoot with my friend moomlkte for this kost where i dressed as
ians for a very specific journey outside my tale. i an intentional decision use space to explore attempt to publicly femininity, something i had been in relationship to my whole life. i have fiercely struggled against the imposition and of femininity as someone who was assigned “female” at birth and have done since realized and expressions were often either/or as a young child. growing up, i did not easily see myself what others referred to as femininity or girlhood womanhood. i eventually internalized this meant that any amount femininity not for through i to see if was ACTUALLY true or more binary bullshit i’d been believing that keeps me from myself. i at found it as i gotten secure my identity as fluid person, i have found myself deeper well of femininity to wade into. however, soon happily that the more secure in and i get to my true gender(s), the less i feel about expanding and expressing femininity in whatever way affirms me, even if those align with people’s traditional of gender in binary. was time thought to gender fluid meant taking painstaking efforts to exist ONLY outside or the binary. since then, i have come to understand that i painstaking efforts to as myself in the of moment. this is the of kind publicly. have writing through my gender for years and am happy report that enough journals tears and trepidations. i am hoping that noirlinians, place which has been so supportive in exploration of the divine feminine, will also be a place i can my complete story. and if not, fuck yall go find elses blog to read now for the actual post… …its long. i dont im pretend that and D doing posts means i to have the wordcount as we them jk we don’t ever count our *i did a really amazing shoot my for this post where i dressed as
ians for a very specific journEy outside oF tellIng My AFrIcan Tale. I made an intentiONal dEcision in my early 20s to use This sPaCE to eXPlOre anD attempT To PUBliClY cLaiM fEMiNinitY, soMething I had been in AntAgOnistic relatIOnShip to my whOle Life. i have fieRceLy struGgLed AGainsT thE impoSition ANd consTriction oF fEMininiTY as someONE wHo waS assigned “female” at BIrTH and have done so Since i ReALiZED geNdeR and its expReSsionS Were oftEN eITHEr/oR As a young child.

Growing up, i dID noT easilY sEe mYSelf in What oThERs rEferred to as FemiNinity or gIrlhooD Or womanHOod. i eveNtuallY inTerNaliZEd ThAt tHiS MeaNT tHat ANy aMount of fEmInInity Was nOT FOR me. tHroUgh NOirliNians, i wanted tO seE if tHAt wAs ACTuALLY True Or More bInary bUllshIt I’d been believing That Keeps me frOm mYsElf.

I aT firsT Found iT stRanGe that aS i have gOTteN mORE SeCure in my identity as A gENDeR fluid peRson, i hAVe FoUNd myself WiShiNg foR A DeepeR welL Of FemininiTy to waDE iNtO. howeveR, i Soon haPpIly AccEpted THat tHe more Secure in And clOSer i get to my truE Gender(s), the lesS FeARFuL I feeL abOut expandinG and EXpreSsinG FeMinINity iN whatEvER wAY affirms me, even if thoSe ExpresSions Sometimes aligN with peoplE’S TRaditionAl unDErSTandings of gendEr in tHe binary.

thERe was a tiMe i thOught to bE gender flUID meant taKinG paInsTakING eFforts to exist onlY ouTsIde or beYonD the binAry. SinCe tHen, I hAve come to UnderstaNd ThAt It MeaNs i maKE painstaKiNg eFfOrtS to exISt as mySelf iN the ReAlITy oF each moMEnT.

THis iS tHe FirsT wrItIng of This KInd I have shAred publiCly. I Have BeEn Writing Through my gendEr Journey for YeArs And am hAPPy to repoRt that enough journals havE Been filLed With mY teaRs and trepIdaTions.

i Am hOPing thAt noirLiniaNs, A plACE whicH HAs BeeN sO supportivE IN my ExploRaTion Of the diVine feminine, will alSO be A place i can expLorE my cOMPlEte SElF And StORy. aND If not, fuck yall go Find someonE eLSeS blog to reaD 🙂

Now FoR the actUal post…

…Its loNG. i dont cAre. im gonnA pretend tHaT me aND d doIng individUal posts Means i get TO have THe Same tOtaL wordcOuNt aS when We did tHEm tOgethEr (mwahAaHhhaahAh jk jK wE don’t eveR count our words)

*i actually Did a reAlly aMazIng shoot wIth MY frIend moonlIte fOr this post WheRe i DressEd aS
ians for a very specific j ourney out sideoftel li ng m y Af rican tale. im adean intentional decisio n inmy earl y  2 0s to  use th i ss p ace  t oexp lo r eand a tte mpt topublicly c lai mfemininity,s om ething i h adbeen in anta gon isticre lat i onshi p t o mywholel ife. i  have fie rc e ly str u ggled a g a in st t he imposition and co n striction of f eminin it y  a s som eon e who wasas signe d  “femal e ”a t bir t h and have do ne so since i r ealize dgen d er and  itsex p res sions wereofte n either/ or asa  youngc hild.
growin g u p,i di d  n ot  ea si l y s e emys e lfin whatot he rs re ferr e d t o as  fe mini nityor girlhood o r w oman h ood . i e ventu ally  i ntern alized  that  t his meant thatanyamount of  fe mi nin it y was not fo r m e.through  Noirli n ian s, i wa nted to see if tha tw a sACTUALLY  trueo rmo r e binary  b ull shit i ’d be en b e li eving th at kee p sme  from m ys elf.
iatfir st fo u nd i t stra nge that  as i have gotten mo r e secure in m y  i d e nt i ty a s a  gender flu id p e rson , ih av e f o und m yself  w i sh i ng for a deeper wel lof fem inini ty to wade in to. howeve r , i soon h appi l ya ccepted that t he mo re securei n and cl oseri get to  my trueg e nder(s),  th e l ess  fe a r fu l i feel abou t expa nd ing and  ex pressin g f emi nin ity  i n whateve r way af fi rm sme , e ven i f  those e xp res si ons  some t imes a lignwith  p eo p le’ s tradi t io n a l un de rs tand ing sof ge nder inthe bin ary.

the rew as a  t im e i tho ught to be ge nd er fluid m ea nttaking p ainstaki ng efforts to exist ONL Y  outsid e o r bey ondthe binar y.sincethe n , i ha ve com e toun der s t and t h a titme ans i make p ain staki ng  eff orts to  exist as myself i n  th e reality ofeac h mo m e nt .
t hi s  is  t h e f i r st writing of t his kind i  h a ve  shared pu b lic ly . i hav e beenwriti n g throu gh my gen der journ ey  for y ear s and am h appy toreport th a t eno u gh  jour nal s have  b een  fill ed wit h  my  tear s andtr epidat ions. 
i am hop ing that noirlinians, a  place  whic h h as been s o s u ppo rtive inmy e xploration  of  th e div ine femin ine, wi lla lso b e ap lace i ca n  e xpl o r emy complete s e lfand s tor y . andif n ot, fuck yall gof ind someone el sesb l ogtor ead🙂
now for the a ctu al p ost…

…i ts  long. i do nt care.  i m  gonn a pret end th at me a n d  D doingindi vid ual posts  me an s  i getto  h a ve the  sam etotalwordco u nt a s when we did them  toge t h er (m w aha ahhha ah ah jk j k  wedon’t ever  count ourwords) 

*i  actu ally di da real lyam azing shoo t  with myfrien d moonl it e fo r t his po st w h e re idres se d a s
ians for_a very_specific journey outside of_telling my_African_tale. i_made_an intentional decision_in my early_20s to use this_space to explore_and_attempt to publicly claim femininity, something i had been in antagonistic relationship to my_whole_life. i_have_fiercely_struggled against the imposition and_constriction of femininity as someone_who was_assigned “female” at birth and have done so_since_i realized gender_and its expressions were often either/or as a young_child.

growing up, i did not easily_see myself in_what_others_referred to as femininity_or girlhood or womanhood. i eventually_internalized that this meant that any_amount of femininity was not for me._through Noirlinians, i wanted to see_if that was ACTUALLY true_or more_binary bullshit i’d been believing_that keeps me_from myself.

i_at first found_it strange that as i have_gotten more secure_in my identity as a gender_fluid_person, i have_found_myself_wishing for_a deeper well_of_femininity to_wade_into. however, i soon happily accepted_that_the more secure in and closer i_get to my true_gender(s),_the less fearful i_feel about expanding and expressing_femininity in whatever way affirms me,_even if_those expressions_sometimes align with people’s traditional understandings of gender in the binary.

there_was a time i thought to_be gender fluid meant_taking painstaking_efforts_to exist ONLY_outside_or beyond_the binary. since then, i have come_to understand_that it means i make painstaking_efforts to exist as_myself_in the reality of each moment.

this_is the first writing of this_kind i have shared publicly._i_have_been writing through my gender_journey for years and am happy_to report that_enough journals have been filled with my_tears_and trepidations.

i am hoping that noirlinians,_a_place which has been so supportive_in_my_exploration of the divine feminine,_will also be a place i_can explore my complete self and story. and if_not, fuck yall_go find someone elses blog_to_read_🙂

now for the actual post…

…its long. i dont care. im_gonna pretend_that me and_D doing individual posts means i get to have the_same total wordcount as when we did_them together (mwahaahhhaahah jk jk we don’t ever count our words)

*i_actually did a really amazing shoot with my_friend moonlite for this post where i_dressed as