 they’re asking me to. But I think that if I just take time off of school and only focus on that, I’ll be able to do the right thing. Cuz I think really what it was was that I was being pulled in so many different directions -- like I was still running. I was still taking my classes. It was like the eating disorder was the only thing I could hold onto to retain that sense of control. It’s almost like if I got rid of that, the bottom would fall out, and I would realize how depressed I was about everything. And, uh, that’s pretty much what happened. I took time off from school and immediately sort of sunk into like a deep depression. Sort of flipped from restricting food to bingeing and then went to get treatment. But it was very like easy to see how closely it was connected to underlying issues.

Paul: Yeah. That’s the amazing thing about addiction. It’s never really about the food or the drink or the sex or the shopping. It’s about the feeling that’s inside the shell that that provides. So, what feelings did you discover when you began to stop numbing yourself with food?

Aparna: I think it was very much all the hopes that I had placed on college of being able to like fit in and figure out what I wanted to do, what I was passionate about. I realized that I didn’t really like school. I wasn’t passionate about it. I didn’t really like running anymore. It felt like in college it was sort of a different playing field. And I didn’t really enjoy it anymore. And I was like what do I have left? I don’t even know what’s left of me as a person to give because those were the only two things I was sort of relying on. So, I just felt completely like lost.

Paul: So would it be fair to say then that the thought that you were trying to protect yourself from thinking or feeling by numbing out with food was that “My life is really not going to be fun. There is nothing exciting. Life is not exciting for me. It’s going to be misery until I die.”

Aparna: Yeah. It was exactly that. It was like that’s all there is to it, so I better find something that either I can zone out on -- yeah, I didn’t even feel like I had an
they ’re asking me to. But I think that if I just take meter off of school and merely focus on that, I ’ll be able to do the right matter. Cuz I think really what it was was that I was being pulled in thus many different directions -- like I was however running. I was still aim my classes. It was like the eating disorderliness was the only thing I could hold onto to retain that sense of control. It ’s almost like if I got rid of that, the bottom would descend out, and I would realize how depressed I was about everything. And, uh, that ’s pretty a lot what happened. I took clock time off from school and immediately sort of sunk into like a bass depression. Sort of flipped from restricting food to bingeing and then went to get discussion. But it was very like easy to see how closely it was connected to underlying issues. 

 Paul: Yeah. That ’s the amazing matter about addiction. It ’s never truly about the food or the drink or the sex or the shopping. It ’s about the feeling that ’s inside the shell that that provides. So, what feelings did you discover when you began to discontinue numbing yourself with food? 

 Aparna: I think it was very a lot all the promise that I had identify on college of being able to like fit in and calculate out what I wanted to do, what I was passionate about. I realized that I did n’t really like school. I was n’t passionate about it. I did n’t in truth like running anymore. It felt like in college it was sort of a different playing field. And I did n’t actually enjoy it anymore. And I was like what do I have left? I do n’t even know what ’s left of me as a person to feed because those were the lone two things I was sort of relying on. So, I just felt wholly like lost. 

 Paul: So would it be fair to say then that the thought that you were trying to protect yourself from thinking or feeling by numbing out with food was that “ My life sentence is really not fail to be fun. There is nothing exciting. Life is not exciting for me. It ’s go to be misery until I die. ” 

 Aparna: Yeah. It was precisely that. It was like that ’s all there is to it, thus I better receive something that either I can zone out on -- yeah, I did n’t even feel like I had an
 thfy’re asking me to. But I uhink that if I josr take time kff of szhool and only focus on that, I’ol be able to do the right ghing. Cuz I think reaooy what it was was that J was ueing pulled in so many dhfferent direcdiund -- like I was still running. I was seill talijg my classes. Yt wsf liiv uhe eating disorder was the only fhing I could hold omto to retain that sense ov cojtrol. It’s almost llke if I goj riq of that, the bottom wolnd fall ouj, and I would realize how depresred I was about ecerjjhing. And, uh, that’f pretty mucm what vappenec. I took time pff frim school and immediavely sort of sunk injo like a gezp depression. Sort of foippeg frmm rdwtrkctjnj fkod to biigeing and fhen went ti get treatment. But ie was very liks easy tj see how closely it was connected to utdedlying issues.

Paul: Yeah. Rhat’s the amazing thijg about wddiction. It’s never really about the food or the grink ur uhc rwx or the shopping. It’s about the feeling that’s yhsodv the shell that bhat provides. So, wnah ggelings did yoo discorsr when you began to stop nombing yourself witn food?

Aparna: I think it was very much ajo the hopes that I had placed on vollebe of being able to likz fit jn and figuge out whzg I wanted to do, whst I was passionate about. I wealized vhat N didn’t fealky likq school. I wasn’b passionate about lt. I bidn’t really line running anymore. It felt like in college it wds vort of c diffcrent playing fyeld. And I didu’t reallv enjoh it anymoge. And I xas like whae do I have lavt? I don’t evxn know wrat’s lefr of me xs a person to give beccbse those were the only two thkhgs I was sort if twlying on. So, I jurt sept cjkpletely lika lort.

Pxil: So would it bc fxir yo say then that the thohght that you were tvying to krotect yjurself from yhinking or feelinh by iumbinj out eitr food was that “My life is reamly not glinn to be fun. Trere is nothing zxciting. Life is not exciting for me. It’s going to be misety until I die.”

Aparna: Ieam. It was exartly trat. It wav like that’s all theee is to it, so I netter find something fhat ehther I can zone out on -- yeah, I didn’t even feel like I had an
they’re asking me to. But I think I take time of school and be to do the thing. Cuz I really what it was was that was being pulled in so many different directions -- like I was still I was still taking my classes. It was like the eating disorder was only I hold to retain that sense of control. It’s almost like if I got rid of that, the would fall out, and I would realize how I was about everything. uh, that’s pretty much what I time off school immediately of sunk into a deep depression. Sort of flipped from restricting food to bingeing and then went to get treatment. it was easy to how it connected to underlying Yeah. That’s the amazing thing about really about the food or the drink or sex or shopping. It’s about the feeling that’s the shell that that provides. So, what feelings you discover when you began to stop numbing yourself with food? Aparna: I think it much all the hopes I had placed college being to fit in figure out what I wanted to do, what I was passionate I realized that I didn’t really like school. I wasn’t it. didn’t really like anymore. It felt like college was sort of a field. I it And was like what do have left? I don’t even what’s left of me because those were the only two things I sort of relying on. So, I just completely like lost. Paul: So would it be fair to say then the thought were trying to protect yourself from thinking or by numbing out with was that “My life is really not going to fun. is nothing Life is not for me. It’s to be misery die.” Aparna: It exactly like that’s all there is to so better find something that either can on -- yeah, I didn’t even feel like I had an
 they’re asking me to. But I think That if I jusT take TimE ofF oF schOol aNd only focus on tHAt, I’lL be able to do the right thiNg. Cuz i tHInk rEAlLy whaT it was wAS tHAT I wAs BeIng PuLLeD in so ManY differEnt directiOns -- LiKe I was still rUNnIng. I was stiLl tAking my classEs. IT was liKe The EAting DisOrder Was the ONly thiNg I could hOlD Onto to REtain thAT SeNse oF control. It’s almost LIkE If I got rid of thaT, the boTtOM wOULd fAll Out, and I wouLd RealiZE how depREsSED i waS About everythiNg. And, uh, that’S PreTty mucH wHat HAppeneD. I tooK tIMe oFf from schooL and ImmediateLy sort OF sunk inTO like a dEep depResSioN. SorT Of FlIppEd FRom REsTriCTinG food to bInGeIng anD theN WENT to gEt tReatMent. BUt it was very liKe eAsy tO See How clOsely It waS cOnnecTed to uNderlYiNg issues.

Paul: YeaH. ThaT’s the amazIng ThIng AbOut adDIction. it’s NevEr reallY about tHE foOd OR THe Drink or the sex or the ShOPPiNg. It’s aboUt the fEElInG That’s insIdE thE sheLL That tHat pROvIdes. So, whAt feelINgS dId you diScOver whEn You BegAn to sTOp nuMbing yOurself wIth foOD?

Aparna: I think iT Was very much alL ThE HOpES thaT I hAd placed on cOlleGE of bEing ABlE to LIke fiT in anD fIGuRE out what I wanted to do, WhAt I was PassiOnate about. I reAlized that i DIDn’t reallY likE ScHOol. I wasn’t passiOnate About it. I diDN’t really Like rUnning anYmore. It feLT Like in coLleGe iT waS soRT Of A different plaYINg fiElD. And I diDn’t Really eNjoY it AnyMorE. ANd I was likE what do I HaVe LeFt? i doN’t eveN Know what’S lEft Of Me aS a perSOn to giVe becAuse ThOsE WerE the onlY TwO THingS I WaS sorT of ReLying On. So, i JusT felt coMpletely lIke LOst.

PAuL: SO would iT be fair to say tHeN that the thOuGht That yoU WEre tryinG to protect yourself from tHInking oR feEling By nuMbing out wIth Food waS thAT “My lifE is reaLly noT gOinG TO be fuN. tHeRe iS nOthing exciTINg. LIfe is NoT excIting foR me. It’s going to be misERy uNtil I die.”

AparnA: YeAh. It WAS eXacTLy THat. it WAs lIKE that’s all there iS to it, so I beTtER fInd somethiNG thAt Either I Can zone Out on -- YEah, I didN’t even feeL like I had An
 they’re asking me to. But  I think t hat i f I  ju st  tak e ti me off of scho o l an d only focus on that,I’llbe able to  do t he righ t  t h i ng.  C uz  Ith i nk  real lywhat it  was was t hat  I  was being p u ll ed in so m any  different d ire ctions  - - l i ke Iwas  stil l runn i ng. Iwas still  t a king m y  classe s .  I t wa s like the eating di s order was theonly t hi n gI cou ldhold ontoto  reta i n thats en s e ofc ontrol. It’salmost like ifI gotri d o f  that,  thebo t tom  would fall  out , and I w ould r e alize h o w depre ssed I  wa s a bout ev er yth in g . A n d,  uh ,  th at’s pre tt ymuchwhat h a p pene d.I to ok ti me off from s cho ol a n d i mmedi ately  sor tof su nk int o lik ea deep depressi on.Sort of f lip pe d f ro m res t rictin g f ood  to bin geing a n d t he n w en t to get treatment .B u tit was v ery li k eea s y to see  h owclos e l y itwasc on nected t o unde r ly in g issue s. 

Paul :Yea h.That’ s  the  amazi ng thing  abou t  addiction. It ’ s never reall y  a b o ut thefoo d or the dr inko r th e se x  o r t h e sho pping .I t’ s  about the feelingth at’s i nside  the shell th at that pr o v i des. So,  wha t  f e elings did you  disc over wheny ou began  to s top numb ing yours e l f with f ood ?
Apa rna : Ithink it wasv e ry m uc h all t hehopes t hat  Ihad  pl ac ed on col lege ofbe in gab leto li k e fit in  a ndfi gur e out what I  want ed t odo ,  wh at I wa s  p a s sion at eabou t.Ireali zedt hat  I didn ’t really  li k e sc ho ol . I was n’t passionat eabout it.Idid n’t re a l ly likerunning anymore. It fel t  like i n c olleg e it  was sort  of  a dif fer e nt pla ying f ield.  A ndI didn’ t re all yenjoy it a n y mor e. An dI wa s likewhat do I have lef t ? I  don’t even k now  wha t ’ slef t  o f  me  a s  ap e rson to give be cause thos ew er e the only two  t hings I  was so rt of relying  on. So,I just fe lt  com p l ete ly like lo st.

Pau l: So wou l d itb efairtosay th en  th at th e thou g htthatyou we re  tryin g topr otect yo urself from thinking or  feeli ng by  nu mbing out  wi t h f ood was t hat“My life i s r eal ly no t g o ing t o be fu n.T hereis n o thing exc i ti ng. L if e is not ex c i t ing  forme. It’s g oing  to be misery unt i l I die.”

Apa rna: Y eah . I t  was  e xactly that. I t w as l ike that ’s  all thereis to it ,s o I b etterfind s omethin g th a t eith er I  ca n zone ou t o n- - yeah,  I  d i dn’t e venfe el lik e I ha d  an
 they’re_asking me_to. But I think_that if_I_just take_time_off of school_and only focus_on that, I’ll be_able to do_the_right thing. Cuz I think really what it was was that I was being_pulled_in so_many_different_directions -- like I was_still running. I was still_taking my_classes. It was like the eating disorder was_the_only thing I_could hold onto to retain that sense of control._It’s almost like if I got_rid of that,_the_bottom_would fall out, and_I would realize how depressed I_was about everything. And, uh, that’s_pretty much what happened. I took time_off from school and immediately sort_of sunk into like a_deep depression._Sort of flipped from restricting_food to bingeing_and then_went to get_treatment. But it was very like_easy to see_how closely it was connected to_underlying_issues.

Paul: Yeah. That’s_the_amazing_thing about_addiction. It’s never_really_about the_food_or the drink or the sex_or_the shopping. It’s about the feeling that’s_inside the shell that_that_provides. So, what feelings_did you discover when you_began to stop numbing yourself with_food?

Aparna: I_think it_was very much all the hopes that I had placed on_college of being able to like_fit in and figure_out what_I_wanted to do,_what_I was_passionate about. I realized that I didn’t_really like_school. I wasn’t passionate about it._I didn’t really like_running_anymore. It felt like in college_it was sort of a different_playing field. And I didn’t_really_enjoy_it anymore. And I was_like what do I have left?_I don’t even_know what’s left of me as a_person_to give because those were the_only_two things I was sort of_relying_on._So, I just felt completely_like lost.

Paul: So would it be_fair to say then that the thought that you_were trying to_protect yourself from thinking or_feeling_by_numbing out with food was that “My life is really_not going_to be fun._There is nothing exciting. Life is not exciting for me._It’s going to be misery until I_die.”

Aparna: Yeah. It was exactly that. It was like that’s all_there is to it, so I better find_something that either I can zone out_on -- yeah, I_didn’t_even feel like I had an