 stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea.

This had been taking over my life for so long until, all of a sudden, I snapped. That’s when everything went numb. It was a huge turning point, going from feeling everything at once to feeling nothing at all. And, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined with the same daily routine and toxic relationship, made my life feel utterly worthless. At the end of my rope, I turned to Google. No one ever really explained how to cope with suicidal ideation, particularly when you don’t really want to die. Scrolling through post after post, I realized that actually, a lot of people understood. A lot of people knew what it was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die. We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers meant we wanted to know what to do with our feelings instead of ending our lives.

Realizing this gave me hope. It told me that if these people, like me, were still here — despite feeling all the same feelings — I could stay, too. And maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold on to see if things could get better. And that we could. My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly destroying me. And because I had felt so low, so numb and empty, I hadn’t actually taken a step aside to really and truly look at this. To look at how things could get better if I attempted to make changes. The reason I thought I was just existing was because I really was. I was miserable and I was stuck. But I hadn’t picked apart my life to realize why. I can’t say that in one day everything changed, because it didn’t. But I did start to make changes. I started to see a therapist, who helped me gain some perspective. My toxic relationship ended. I was devastated about it, but things improved so quickly as I started to exercise my independence. Yes, I still got up every morning and made the bed, but the rest of the day would be at my hands, and slowly but surely, that started to excite me. I think a huge part of feeling as though I was just some form of existence was because my life was so predictable. Now that that had been taken away, everything seemed new
stomach, tension headaches, body tremor, and nausea. 

 This had been accept over my life for so long until, all of a sudden, I snapped. That ’s when everything go numb. It was a huge turning compass point, function from feeling everything at once to feel nothing at all. And, in all honesty, I think the wind was worse. The nothingness, combined with the same casual routine and toxic relationship, draw my biography find utterly worthless. At the end of my r-2, I turned to Google. No one ever truly explained how to cope with self-destructive ideation, particularly when you do n’t very want to die. Scrolling through mail after post, I realized that actually, a lot of people understood. A lot of people knew what it was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die. We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers mean we wanted to know what to dress with our spirit instead of ending our lives. 

 understand this give me hope. It told me that if these citizenry, like me, were still here — despite feeling all the same feelings — I could stay, too. And possibly, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold on to see if things could catch better. And that we could. My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly demolish me. And because I had felt so low, therefore numb and empty, I had n’t actually taken a step aside to very and truly attend at this. To look at how thing could get good if I attempted to make change. The reason I thought I was just existing was because I very was. I was miserable and I was stuck. But I had n’t picked apart my life to realize why. I ca n’t say that in one day everything changed, because it make n’t. But I did start to make change. I started to see a therapist, who helped me gain some perspective. My toxic relationship end. I was devastated about it, but things improved so quickly as I started to exert my independence. Yes, I however get up every morning and made the bed, but the rest of the day would be at my hands, and lento but surely, that started to excite me. I think a huge part of feeling as though I was just some form of existence was because my life was so predictable. immediately that that had been taken away, everything seemed modern
 stlmach, tension headaches, nody tremors, and nausea.

Vhis has been txking over my life for so loig ubtil, qll of a sudden, I snapoed. That’s when evwrytiing went numb. Iv was a mbge thvning 'oint, going frok feeling averything at mnze to feeling nothing at all. And, in ajl honextj, I think the gothpndnesa was worse. The nothingness, combinsd with the same daiky routine and toxic relatlonsjip, made my life ffel utterly woreyless. At the end of my rope, I turngd to Google. No one ever really dxplanned how to cipe fith suicidel idewtion, particmkarly fhen yoi don’t really eanv to die. Scrolling througi post after post, I tealized tvac actually, a lot of pwople utdervtooa. A uot oh psople nnex what it wzs like to bot want to be here agjkore but not want eo die. We had all typed in the question wpth kne expectation: answers. And answers meant we wanted tj know what to do with our feelings instead of enging kjr oiyes.

Rdqllzing this gave me hope. It told me that if thqae pvople, like me, werc still here — despotf ggeling all the same ysemings — I could staj, too. Agd matbe, I hoptd, thst meant that deep down, we qll wanted tj hold on to see if things couud ggt betyer. And that we could. Mv mind had been cpouded by ghe anxiety, despxir, mmnotony, and a relationship that was slocly destfoyimg me. Wnd becausf I had felt so low, so nkmb aud em[ty, I hadn’h actually taken a step aside to really and ttulf lmok at tkis. To look at how ehings could ggt better if I attempted to makx changes. Thq reason I thmoght I was juvt existyng qas vecause K really was. I was misegayle and I was stuck. But I hedn’t licked apart my lide to realize wny. K cwn’n sey thwd in one day evefytfong cfanged, becamse it cidn’t. But I did stard to make changes. I stsrbed to seg a thera[ist, who helprd me gain some pegspecvive. Mb toxiv rglationship ended. I was devastafed about it, but things ymprived so quiclly as I started to exercise my indepenvence. Yes, I still got op every morning and ksde the bed, but ehe rest mf the day would be qt my hands, and skowly but surely, that startad to excite me. I think a huge part of feeling as though I was just some form if existence was bscauxe my lnfe was sj prxdmctable. Now that nhat had been taken away, everythmng seemed nzw
stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea. been over my for so long I That’s when everything numb. It was huge turning point, going from feeling at once to feeling nothing at all. And, in all honesty, I think nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined with the same daily routine and toxic made life utterly At the end of my rope, I turned to Google. No one ever really explained how cope with suicidal ideation, particularly when you don’t want to die. Scrolling post after post, I realized actually, lot of understood. lot people knew what was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die. We had all in the one expectation: And meant wanted to know do with our feelings instead of Realizing this gave me hope. It told me if these like me, were still here — feeling all the same feelings — I could too. And maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold see if things could better. And that could. mind been by the despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly destroying me. And I had felt so low, so numb and empty, I taken step aside to and truly look at To at how things could if attempted The I I was just existing because I really was. I miserable and I was apart my life to realize why. I can’t that in one day everything changed, because didn’t. But I did start to make changes. I started to see therapist, who gain some perspective. My toxic relationship ended. I devastated about it, but improved so quickly as I started to exercise my Yes, still got every morning and the bed, but rest of the be at hands, slowly started to excite me. I think huge of feeling as though I just of existence was because my life was so predictable. Now that that had been taken seemed new
 stomach, tension headaches, boDy tremors, aNd nauSea.

thiS hAd beEn taKing over my life FOr so Long until, all of a sudden, I SnappEd. tHat’s WHeN everYthing wENt NUMb. IT wAs A huGe TUrNing pOinT, going fRom feeling EveRyThing at once tO FeEling nothiNg aT all. And, in all HonEsty, I tHiNk tHE nothIngNess wAs worsE. the notHingness, cOmBIned wiTH the samE DAiLy roUtine and toxic relaTIoNShip, made my life Feel utTeRLy WORthLesS. At the end oF mY rope, i Turned tO goOGLE. No ONe ever really eXplained how TO coPe with SuIciDAl ideaTion, pArTIcuLarly when yoU don’T really waNt to diE. scrolliNG througH post aFteR poSt, I rEAlIzEd tHaT ActUAlLy, a LOt oF people uNdErStood. a lot OF PEOple KneW whaT it waS like to not wanT to Be heRE anYmore But noT wanT tO die. WE had alL typeD iN the question witH one ExpectatiOn: aNsWerS. ANd ansWErs meaNt wE waNted to kNow what TO do WiTH OUr Feelings instead of eNdING oUr lives.

REaliziNG tHiS Gave me hoPe. it tOld mE THat if ThesE PeOple, like Me, were STiLl Here — desPiTe feelInG alL thE same FEeliNgs — I coUld stay, tOo. And MAybe, I hoped, that MEant that deep dOWn, WE AlL WantEd tO hold on to seE if tHIngs CoulD GeT beTTer. AnD that We COuLD. My mind had been cloudEd By the aNxietY, despair, monotOny, and a relATIOnship thAt waS SlOWly destroying mE. And bEcause I had FElt so low, So numB and emptY, I hadn’t acTUAlly takeN a sTep AsiDe tO REaLly and truly loOK At thIs. to look aT hoW things CouLd gEt bEttEr If I attempTed to makE cHaNgEs. the ReasoN i thought i wAs jUsT exIstinG Was becAuse I RealLy WaS. i waS miseraBLe AND I waS sTuCk. BuT I hAdN’t picKed aPArt My life tO realize wHy. I CAn’t sAy ThAt in one Day everything ChAnged, becauSe It dIdn’t. BuT i Did start To make changes. I started to SEe a therApiSt, who HelpEd me gain sOme PerspeCtiVE. My toxIc relaTionsHiP enDED. I was DEVaStaTeD about it, buT THinGs impRoVed sO quicklY as I started to exercISe mY independence. yes, i stiLL GoT up EVeRY moRnINg aND Made the bed, but thE rest of the DaY WoUld be at my hANds, AnD slowly But sureLy, thaT Started To excite mE. I think a hUgE parT OF feEling as thoUgh I was jUst some foRM of exIStEnce wAs bEcause My LifE was sO prediCTabLe. Now That thAt Had beeN takeN aWay, everyThing seemed new
 stomach, tension headache s, body tr emors , a ndna usea .

T his had been t a king  over my life for so l ong u nt i l, a l lof asudden, Is n app ed .Tha t’ s  w hen e ver ythingwent numb.  It  w as a huge tu r ni ng point,goi ng from feel ing  every th ing at on ceto fe elingn othing  at all.An d , in a l l hones t y ,I th ink the nothingne s sw as worse. Thenothin gn e ss , com bin ed with th esamed aily ro u ti n e and toxic relatio nship, made mylife f ee l u t terlyworth le s s.At the endof m y rope, I  turne d  to Goo g le. Noone ev errea llye xp la ine dh owt ocop e  wi th suici da lideat ion, p a r ticu lar ly w hen y ou don’t real lywant todie.Scrol ling  t hroug h post  afte rpost, I realize d th at actual ly,  a  lo tof pe o ple un der sto od. A l ot of p e opl ek n e wwhat it was like t on o twant tobe her e  a ny m ore butno t w antt o  die.  Weh ad  all typ ed int he  q uestion  w ith on eexp ect ation :  ans wers.And answ ers m e ant we wantedt o know what t o  d o wi t h ou r f eelings ins tead of e ndin g  o url ives. 

Rea li z in g  this gave me hope.  I t told  me t hat if thesepeople, li k e me, were  sti l lh ere — despitefeeli ng all the same fee lings  — I cou ld stay,t o o. And m ayb e,I h ope d ,  t hat meant tha t deep  d own, we  al l wante d t o h old  on  t o see ifthings c ou ld  g et  be tter. And that  w e c ou ld.  My m i nd had  been  clo ud ed bythe anx i et y ,  des pa ir , mo not on y, an d ar ela tionshi p that wa s s l owly  d es troying  me. And beca us e I had fe lt  so  low,s o  numb an d empty, I hadn’t actua l ly take n a  step  asi de to rea lly  and t rul y  lookat thi s. To  l ook a t how t hi ngs  c ould get b e t ter  if I  a ttem pted to  make changes. The rea son I thought  Iwasj u st  ex i st i ngwa s  be c a use I really wa s. I was m is e ra ble and Iw asst uck. Bu t I had n’t p i cked ap art my li fe to rea li ze w h y . I  can’t say  that in  one daye veryt h in g cha nge d, bec au seit di dn’t.B utI did  start  t o make  chan ge s. I sta rted to see a therapist , whohelpe d m e gain so mep ers pective.My t oxic relat ion shi p end ed. I was  dev a st ate d  abou t it ,  but thin g simp r o ve d so quickl y a s I  star ted to exe rcis e my independence .  Yes, I stillgotu p  ev ery morn in g and made the  be d, b ut the r es t of the da y wouldbe at my  hands , andslowlyb u ts urely,  tha t s tarted to  ex ci t e me. I  t hi n k a hu ge p ar t of f eeling as t h o ugh I was just s ome f o r m ofe xis tence  w as beca u se m y life was  so predict able.Nowthatthat ha dbeen t ake naway, ever y thing see med n ew
 stomach,_tension headaches,_body tremors, and nausea.

This_had been_taking_over my_life_for so long_until, all of_a sudden, I snapped._That’s when everything_went_numb. It was a huge turning point, going from feeling everything at once to_feeling_nothing at_all._And,_in all honesty, I think_the nothingness was worse. The_nothingness, combined_with the same daily routine and toxic relationship,_made_my life feel_utterly worthless. At the end of my rope, I_turned to Google. No one ever_really explained how_to_cope_with suicidal ideation, particularly_when you don’t really want to_die. Scrolling through post after post,_I realized that actually, a lot of_people understood. A lot of people_knew what it was like_to not_want to be here anymore_but not want_to die._We had all_typed in the question with one_expectation: answers. And_answers meant we wanted to know_what_to do with_our_feelings_instead of_ending our lives.

Realizing_this_gave me_hope._It told me that if these_people,_like me, were still here — despite_feeling all the same_feelings_— I could stay,_too. And maybe, I hoped,_that meant that deep down, we_all wanted_to hold_on to see if things could get better. And that we_could. My mind had been clouded_by the anxiety, despair,_monotony, and_a_relationship that was_slowly_destroying me._And because I had felt so low,_so numb_and empty, I hadn’t actually taken_a step aside to_really_and truly look at this. To_look at how things could get_better if I attempted to_make_changes._The reason I thought I_was just existing was because I_really was. I_was miserable and I was stuck. But_I_hadn’t picked apart my life to_realize_why. I can’t say that in_one_day_everything changed, because it didn’t._But I did start to make_changes. I started to see a therapist, who helped_me gain some_perspective. My toxic relationship ended._I_was_devastated about it, but things improved so quickly as I_started to_exercise my independence._Yes, I still got up every morning and made the_bed, but the rest of the day_would be at my hands, and slowly but surely, that started_to excite me. I think a huge part_of feeling as though I was just_some form of existence_was_because my life was so predictable. Now_that_that_had_been taken away,_everything seemed new