 things I'd just said - but pointed out how almost all of them involve being unsure of myself or assuming that I'm going to make errors or screw up. "You're compensating well, but you're still compensating. That has to take its toll over time." She just watched me a moment, and then said, "... and you never even realized that was there, did you?"

"No," I replied, "I didn't. But you're right."

One of my favorite quotes comes from the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead":

All your life you live so close to truth, it becomes a permanent blur in
the corner of your eye, and when something nudges it into outline it is
like being ambushed by a grotesque.

I know people who are wracked with self-doubt. I know people who have massive cases of imposter syndrome. I know folks for whom depression is a day-to-day struggle. Whenever I think of anxiety or self-doubt, I think about these people.

But the truth is, she's right. My reason for seeking out the new diagnosis, for making it official, is (and I told her this) because I want to have every possible tool at my disposal for succeeding in school. It's important to me this time, far more than I realized until a few weeks ago - and to be frank, there's a part of me that is absolutely terrified at screwing up again.

I've openly told people that I'm keeping the fact of attending school under wraps because I don't know if I'll keep at it or make it through: I dropped out once, so while I think things have changed significantly, I have to accept the possibility that I'll blow it again this time for whatever reason. That *is* a statement of self-doubt - couched in subtler or sardonic terms, perhaps, but it's there.

And it runs far, far deeper than I think I've ever admitted to myself. I mean, I know what I'm capable of. I have a healthy ego (some would say too healthy) about such things. But at the same time, there's this underlying bit that knows everything could go off the rails and the constant worry that today' the day it'll happen.

It's analogous to being gay. Coming out isn't a one-time event - it's something we
things I'd just said - but pointed out how about all of them imply being unsure of myself or assuming that I'm go to cause errors or screw up. " You're right well, but you're even compensating. That have to take its toll over prison term. " She just watched me a moment, and then say, "... and you never even realized that was there, did you? " 

 " No, " I replied, " I didn't. But you're right. " 

 One of my favored quotes comes from the play " Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are all in ": 

 All your life you live so close to truth, it become a permanent blur in 
 the corner of your eye, and when something nudges it into outline it is 
 like being ambushed by a grotesque. 

 I know citizenry who are wracked with self - doubt. I know people who have massive cases of imposter syndrome. I know folks for whom depression is a day - to - day struggle. Whenever I think of anxiety or self - doubt, I think about these people. 

 But the truth is, she's right. My reason for seek out the new diagnosis, for making it official, is (and I distinguish her this) because I desire to receive every possible tool at my administration for succeeding in school. It's authoritative to me this time, far more than I realized until a few week ago - and to be frank, there's a part of me that is absolutely terrified at screwing up again. 

 I've openly told people that I'm restrain the fact of attending school under wraps because I don't know if I'll keep at it or hold it through: I dropped out once, so while I remember things have changed significantly, I have to accept the hypothesis that I'll blow it again this time for whatever reason. That * is * a statement of self - doubt - couched in subtler or sardonic terms, perhaps, but it's there. 

 And it runs far, far deeper than I intend I've ever admit to myself. I mean, I know what I'm adequate to of. I have a goodly ego (some would say too healthy) about such thing. But at the same time, there's this underlying bit that knows everything could move off the rails and the ceaseless worry that today' the day it'll happen. 

 It's analogous to being gay. Coming out isn't a one - clock time event - it's something we
 thlngs I'd just said - but puinted out how comost ell of fhem invulve being unsure of myself lr assuning that I'm going to oake errogs or scrww uk. "You're compensatmhg well, but ykm're sciol compensatinn. That has do take its tonl orer time." She just watched me a momene, and tnej said, "... and yoo nevtr qven geclized that was there, did you?"

"No," I replped, "I didn't. But ypu're right."

One of my favorihe qkotes comes from tje play "Rosghcrwbtz and Guilaenstern agz Dead":

All ykur life you live so close to tfuth, nt becomes q perldnent blur mn
the borner of youv eye, atd when something nudnes iv inro outline it is
like ueing ambushed by a drotesque.

H inow people who aee wracned fith welw-dohbv. I know oeo'le who havs massive cqses of imposter symdwime. I know fomks fow rhom depression is a day-to-day struggle. Fhehever I think of anxiett or self-doubt, I thinn about trese people.

But the truth is, she's right. My reason xor sxeyiny out gye new diagnosis, for making it official, is (and Y tplc her this) beccuse I want to hsvf rdery possible tool cf jy disposal for sufceedind in wchool. It'f imlortant to me this time, far more than I eealized until a fzw weeks ago - anc to ne frank, there's a part uf ms that is ahsolutely gerrified at scrdwikg gp again.

I've openly told pejple that I'm leeping the fact jf attendijg scmmol under wraps befause I don't know if I'll keep at it or make it ticough: I droppgd mut once, so whilc I think thingf have changed signifncantlh, I have tk accepv the possibylity that I'ln blow it agamn this tyme dor qhatevef reason. That *ix* a statement of seof-doubt - couched ik subjlsr or sardonic ctrmw, perhaps, but iy's ghewe.

Wnv it wgns far, far geepdr gnan I think I've cvef adkitted to myself. I maan, J know what I'm capsbje of. I yave a hqalthy ego (soke would say too htalthy) abuut sich things. But at the same time, tgere's thid ukderlying bit thab knjws everytking could go off the rails and the consvant worry that today' jhe day it'll happen.

It'x analogous vo beigg gay. Coking out isn't a one-tume event - it's sokething we
things I'd just said - but pointed almost of them being unsure of going make errors or up. "You're compensating but you're still compensating. That has take its toll over time." She just watched me a moment, and then "... and you never even realized that was there, did you?" "No," I "I But right." of my favorite quotes comes from the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead": All your life live so close to truth, it becomes a blur in the corner your eye, and when something it outline it like ambushed a grotesque. I people who are wracked with self-doubt. I know people who have massive cases of imposter syndrome. I folks for is a struggle. I of anxiety or think about these people. But the right. My reason for seeking out the new for making official, is (and I told her because I want to have every possible tool my disposal for succeeding in school. It's important to me this time, far more than until a few weeks - and to frank, a of that is terrified at screwing up again. I've openly told people that I'm the fact of attending school under wraps because I don't I'll at it or it through: I dropped once, while I think things significantly, have possibility I'll it again this time whatever reason. That *is* a of self-doubt - couched perhaps, but it's there. And it runs far, deeper than I think I've ever admitted myself. I mean, I know what I'm capable of. I have a ego (some too healthy) about such things. But at the time, there's this underlying that knows everything could go off the rails and constant that today' day it'll happen. analogous to being Coming out isn't event - something
 things I'd just said - but pointeD out how almOst alL of TheM iNvolVe beIng unsure of mysELf or Assuming that I'm going to mAke erRoRS or sCReW up. "YoU're compENsATIng WeLl, But YoU'Re Still ComPensatiNg. That has tO taKe Its toll over tIMe." she just watCheD me a moment, anD thEn said, "... AnD yoU Never EveN realIzed thAT was thEre, did you?"

"no," i ReplieD, "i didn't. BUT YoU're rIght."

One of my favoriTE qUOtes comes from tHe play "roSEnCRAntZ anD GuildenstErN are DEAd":

All yoUR lIFE You LIve so close to tRuth, it becomES a pErmaneNt BluR In
the cOrner Of YOur Eye, and when sOmetHing nudgeS it intO Outline IT is
like Being aMbuSheD by a GRoTeSquE.

I KNow PEoPle WHo aRe wrackeD wItH self-DoubT. i KNOw peOplE who Have mAssive cases of ImpOsteR SynDrome. i know FolkS fOr whoM depreSsion Is A day-to-day struggLe. WhEnever I thInk Of AnxIeTy or sELf-doubT, I tHinK about tHese peoPLe.

BUt THE TrUth is, she's right. My reAsON FoR seeking Out the NEw DiAGnosis, foR mAkiNg it OFFiciaL, is (aND I Told her tHis) becAUsE I Want to hAvE every PoSsiBle Tool aT My diSposal For succeEding IN school. It's impoRTant to me this tIMe, FAR mORe thAn I Realized untIl a fEW weeKs agO - AnD to BE franK, therE's A PaRT of me that is absoluteLy TerrifIed at Screwing up agaIn.

I've openlY TOLd people That i'M kEEping the fact of AttenDing school UNder wrapS becaUse I don't Know if I'll KEEp at it or MakE it ThrOugH: i DrOpped out once, sO WHile i tHink thiNgs Have chaNgeD siGniFicAnTly, I have tO accept tHe PoSsIbIliTy thaT i'll blow iT aGaiN tHis Time fOR whateVer reAson. thAt *IS* a sTatemenT Of SELf-doUbT - cOuchEd iN sUbtleR or sARdoNic termS, perhaps, bUt iT'S theRe.

anD it runs Far, far deeper tHaN I think I've EvEr aDmitteD TO myself. I Mean, I know what I'm capable oF. i have a hEalThy egO (somE would say Too HealthY) abOUt such Things. but at ThE saME Time, tHERe'S thIs Underlying BIT thAt knoWs EverYthing cOuld go off the rails aND thE constant worrY thAt toDAY' tHe dAY iT'Ll hApPEn.

IT'S Analogous to beinG gay. Coming OuT IsN't a one-time EVenT - iT's sometHing we
 things I'd just said - bu t pointedout h owalm os t al l of  them involveb eing  unsure of myself or a ssumi ng that I' m goi ng to m a ke e rro rs  o r s cr e wup. " You 're com pensatingwel l,  but you'res ti ll compens ati ng. That has  to  takeit s t o ll ov ertime. " Shej ust wa tched meam oment, and the n sa id,"... and you neve r  e v en realized th at was  t h er e ,  di d y ou?"

"No, "I rep l ied, "I di d n ' t.B ut you're rig ht."

One o f  my  favor it e q u otes c omesfr o m t he play "Ro senc rantz and  Guild e nsterna re Dead ":

Al l y our  lif e  y ou  li ve soc lo set o t ruth, it  b ec omesa pe r m a n entblu r in 
thecorner of you r e ye,a ndwhensomet hing  n udges  it in to ou tl ine it is
likebein g ambushe d b ya g ro tesqu e .

I k now  pe ople wh o are w r ack ed w i th  self-doubt. I kno wp e op le who h ave ma s si ve cases of  i mpo ster s yndro me.I  k now folk s forw ho mdepress io n is a  d ay- to- day s t rugg le. Wh enever I  thin k  of anxiety or self-doubt, I th i n ka bout  th ese people. 

Bu t  the  tru t his, she's  righ t. My reason for seekingou t thenew d iagnosis, for  making it o f ficial,is ( a nd I told her thi s) be cause I wa n t to hav e eve ry possi ble toola t  my disp osa l f orsuc c e ed ing in school . It's  i mportan t t o me th istim e,far  m ore thanI realiz ed  u nt il  afew w e eks ago-and  t o b e fra n k, the re'sa pa rt  o f  me  that i s  a b s olut el yterr ifi ed  at s crew i ngup agai n.

I'veope n ly t ol dpeoplethat I'm keep in g the fact  o f a ttendi n g  schoolunder wraps because I d o n't kno w i f I'l l ke ep at itormake i t t h rough:  I dro ppedou t o n c e, so w hi leIthink thin g s  ha ve ch an gedsignifi cantly, I have toa cce pt the possib ili ty t h a tI'l l  b l owit aga i n  this time forwhatever r ea s on . That *is *  ast atement  of sel f-dou b t - cou ched in s ubtler or  s ardo n i c t erms, perh aps, but  it's the r e.

A n dit ru nsfar, f ar  de eperthan I thi nk I' ve eve radmitt ed to  m yself. I  mean, I know what I'mcapabl e of.  Ihave a he alt h y e go (somewoul d say toohea lth y) ab out suchthin g s.  Bu t  at t he s a me time,t he re' s th is underlyi n g bit  that  kn o ws eve ryth ing could go offt he rails and t he c o n sta ntw orry  t hat today' the  da yi t 'll happ en .

It's ana logous t ob einggay. C omingout isn ' t  a one-ti me e ven t - it'ssom et h ing we
 things_I'd just_said - but pointed_out how_almost_all of_them_involve being unsure_of myself or_assuming that I'm going_to make errors_or_screw up. "You're compensating well, but you're still compensating. That has to take its_toll_over time."_She_just_watched me a moment, and_then said, "... and you_never even_realized that was there, did you?"

"No," I replied,_"I_didn't. But you're_right."

One of my favorite quotes comes from the play_"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead":

All your_life you live_so_close_to truth, it becomes_a permanent blur in
the corner of_your eye, and when something nudges_it into outline it is
like being ambushed_by a grotesque.

I know people who_are wracked with self-doubt. I_know people_who have massive cases of_imposter syndrome. I_know folks_for whom depression_is a day-to-day struggle. Whenever I_think of anxiety_or self-doubt, I think about these_people.

But_the truth is,_she's_right._My reason_for seeking out_the_new diagnosis,_for_making it official, is (and I_told_her this) because I want to have_every possible tool at_my_disposal for succeeding in_school. It's important to me_this time, far more than I_realized until_a few_weeks ago - and to be frank, there's a part of_me that is absolutely terrified at_screwing up again.

I've openly_told people_that_I'm keeping the_fact_of attending_school under wraps because I don't know_if I'll_keep at it or make it_through: I dropped out_once,_so while I think things have_changed significantly, I have to accept_the possibility that I'll blow_it_again_this time for whatever reason._That *is* a statement of self-doubt_- couched in_subtler or sardonic terms, perhaps, but it's_there.

And_it runs far, far deeper than_I_think I've ever admitted to myself._I_mean,_I know what I'm capable_of. I have a healthy ego_(some would say too healthy) about such things. But_at the same_time, there's this underlying bit_that_knows_everything could go off the rails and the constant worry_that today'_the day it'll_happen.

It's analogous to being gay. Coming out isn't a one-time_event - it's something we