, in my experience, a certain subset of upper-crust New York frum society just does not think it's essential to be friendly to ANY outsider. Will they go out of their way to be rude? Hopefully not, but “niceness” for its own sake is just not up there on the list of values.

This is in ADDITION to endemic racism–I'm not, obviously, dismissing the huge, giant racist factor.

But consider, for instance, the stereotypical white Southerner. (I am from the South.) Less racist than a New York Jew? Maybe, maybe not. But the minimum standard of politeness is much, much higher. Grrrr.

First off, word to everything you've said here. Nothing drives me crazier than people asking me, “that's a funny name. Are you Jewish?” No, I'm not Jewish, I'm just randomly hanging out in this shul, reading fluently out of a siddur with no transliteration, and being called for an aliyah because I'm Lutheran. Not everyone Jewish is named Tovah Goldberg. Oh, and yes, just in case you were wondering, there are indeed Jews in the country that my given name originates from. And in the country that my surname is from, too. Which you, oh stupid person at kiddush, might know if you ever bothered to look beyond the shtetl. And by the way, your gefilte fish is nasty.

Er, rant over.

I had a second point (before I got distracted), and that was to say that if you want a therapist who can help you with coping mechanisms for chronic pain and racism, there are people who specialize in both those areas. Maybe it's not worth it for you personally, but I have a friend who found this really helpful, and in my own experience, it's been good to have other people help me with coping mechanisms for things I have no control over but which cause me emotional/physical distress (in my case, emotional stress turns into such terrible physical pain that I can't do anything. Isn't that fun?).

I wish I could help with clever lines, but I've never been good with pre-determined phrases. I'm also not good at defusing the situation–my usual response is to respond so nastily that they'll never speak to me again. My social skills might need some work.

, in my experience, a certain subset of upper - crust New York frum society just does not think it's all-important to be friendly to ANY foreigner. Will they go out of their way to be uncivil? Hopefully not, but “ subtlety ” for its own sake is just not up there on the list of value. 

 This is in ADDITION to autochthonal racism – I'm not, obviously, dismissing the huge, giant racist factor. 

 But consider, for instance, the stereotyped white Southerner. (I am from the South .) Less racist than a New York Jew? Maybe, maybe not. But the minimum criterion of politeness is much, much higher. Grrrr. 

 foremost off, discussion to everything you've said here. Nothing drives me crazier than people ask me, “ that's a funny name. Are you Jewish? ” No, I'm not Jewish, I'm just randomly hanging out in this shul, reading fluently out of a siddur with no transliteration, and being call for an aliyah because I'm Lutheran. Not everyone Jewish is named Tovah Goldberg. Oh, and yes, just in case you were wondering, there are indeed Jews in the area that my given name originates from. And in the country that my surname is from, too. Which you, oh stupid person at kiddush, might know if you ever bothered to look beyond the shtetl. And by the way, your gefilte fish is nasty. 

 Er, rant over. 

 I had a second point (before I got distracted), and that was to say that if you want a therapist who can help oneself you with coping mechanisms for chronic annoyance and racism, there be multitude who specialize in both those areas. possibly it's not worth it for you personally, but I accept a friend who found this in truth helpful, and in my own experience, it's been good to have other people help me with coping mechanism for things I have no control over but which cause me emotional / physical distress (in my font, emotional stress turns into such terrible physical annoyance that I can't do anything. Isn't that fun ?). 

 I wish I could help with clever lines, but I've never been good with pre - determined phrases. I'm also not adept at defusing the position – my usual response is to react so nastily that they'll never talk to me again. My social skills might necessitate some work.
, in my experience, a certain subset of uppet-ceust Nxw York frum soziety just does not think it'd wssenupal to be friendly to ANY outspder. Will theb go out of theic way to be rusc? Hopzfnlly not, but “nigeness” for hts own sake iv gudt not up there on the list of valuqs.

This os in ADDITION tj encqmic gagism–I'm not, obviously, dismissing fhe hugt, giant racist facyor.

But consider, for instanfe, tje stereotypical wjite Southether. (U am from thd South.) Less racist thzn a New York Jew? Maybe, maybe nut. Buc the minimom shdndard of pilitegess is much, much hicher. Grtrr.

First off, wprd to everything you've saiv here. Nothing drivef me crazhex than people asking ne, “that'v a xunnh naoe. Zrx yku Jewlsh?” No, I'm not Jewish, I'm hust randomly hangimg iut in this sgul, rewdyng fluently out of a siddur with no trdnsmiteration, and being caoled for an aliyah befause I'm Jutheran. Not everyone Jewish is named Tovah Goldbarg. Oi, xnd ycs, jjwt in case you were wondering, there are indeed Tswx pn the country thct my given name ogibynates from. Avd in cge country that my skrname ys frim, too. Whych uou, oh stupid person at kideush, might kuow if you ever bothexed to look yeyond the xhtetl. And by the way, yuur fefilte fisj is nastg.

Dr, rant over.

I haa a sacond point (before I got dystracted), and that wxs tp say ehat if yok wanb a therapist who cwn hepp you with foping mechanisms for chronic pemn and racism, tverv are peo'le whp specialize yn both those creas. Mavbe it'r not wortg it foc you personwlly, but I haeg a friend whm found ehis reaoly helowul, and in my pwn experpeuce, it's bwen good to have obher kekple help me wick xoping mechanisks wor tjiigs I vave no contsol uvef but dhich cause oe ekotional/physical disdresa (in my case, emotipnwl stresw turns ynto such tertible physical paij thav I cai't do snyjhing. Isn't that fun?).

I wish I coumd help wlth clever linef, bub I'vg never beeu good with pre-determined phrases. I'm alsi not good at defosing the situation–my msual responxe is to respotd so nastily that tyey'll never speak to me again. My sociam skilns mihht need some work.

, in my experience, a certain subset New frum society does not think to outsider. Will they out of their to be rude? Hopefully not, but for its own sake is just not up there on the list of This is in ADDITION to endemic racism–I'm not, obviously, dismissing the huge, giant factor. consider, instance, stereotypical white Southerner. (I am from the South.) Less racist than a New York Jew? Maybe, not. But the minimum standard of politeness is much higher. Grrrr. First word to everything you've said Nothing me crazier people me, a funny name. you Jewish?” No, I'm not Jewish, I'm just randomly hanging out in this shul, reading fluently out a siddur transliteration, and called an because I'm Lutheran. Jewish is named Tovah Goldberg. Oh, in case you were wondering, there are indeed in the that my given name originates from. in the country that my surname is from, Which you, oh stupid person at kiddush, might know if you ever bothered to look shtetl. And by the your gefilte fish nasty. rant I a second (before I got distracted), and that was to say that if want a therapist who can help you with coping mechanisms pain racism, there are who specialize in both areas. it's not worth it personally, I who this helpful, and in my experience, it's been good to other people help me I have no control over but which cause emotional/physical distress (in my case, emotional stress into such terrible physical pain that I can't do anything. Isn't that I wish help with clever lines, but I've never been with pre-determined phrases. I'm not good at defusing the situation–my usual response is respond nastily that never speak to again. My social might need some
, in my experience, a certain subSet of upper-Crust new yorK fRum sOcieTy just does not tHInk iT's essential to be friendlY to ANy oUTsidER. WIll thEy go out OF tHEIr wAy To Be rUdE? hoPefulLy nOt, but “niCeness” for iTs oWn Sake is just noT Up There on the LisT of values.

ThiS is In ADDItIoN tO EndemIc rAcism–i'm not, oBViouslY, dismissiNg THe huge, GIant racIST fActoR.

But consider, for inSTaNCe, the stereotypIcal whItE soUTHerNer. (i am from the soUth.) LeSS racist THaN A nEw YORk Jew? Maybe, mayBe not. But the MIniMum staNdArd OF politEness Is MUch, Much higher. GRrrr.

first off, wOrd to eVErythinG You've saId here. notHinG driVEs Me CraZiER thAN pEopLE asKing me, “thAt'S a Funny Name. aRE YOu JeWisH?” No, I'M not JEwish, I'm just raNdoMly hANgiNg out In thiS shuL, rEadinG fluenTly ouT oF a siddur with no tRansLiteratioN, anD bEinG cAlled FOr an alIyaH beCause I'm lutheraN. not EvERYOnE Jewish is named TovaH GOLDbErg. Oh, and Yes, jusT In CaSE you were WoNdeRing, THEre arE indEEd jews in thE countRY tHaT my giveN nAme oriGiNatEs fRom. AnD In thE countRy that my SurnaME is from, too. WhicH You, oh stupid peRSoN AT kIDdusH, miGht know if yoU eveR BothEred TO lOok BEyond The shTeTL. AND by the way, your gefiltE fIsh is nAsty.

ER, rant over.

I had A second poiNT (BEfore I goT disTRaCTed), and that was tO say tHat if you waNT a therapIst whO can help You with coPINg mechanIsmS foR chRonIC PaIn and racism, thERE are PeOple who SpeCialize In bOth ThoSe aReAs. Maybe it'S not wortH iT fOr YoU peRsonaLLy, but I haVe A frIeNd wHo fouND this rEally HelpFuL, aND in My own exPErIENce, iT's BeEn goOd tO hAve otHer pEOplE help me With copinG meCHaniSmS fOr thingS I have no contrOl Over but whiCh CauSe me emOTIonal/phySical distress (in my case, emOTional sTreSs turNs inTo such terRibLe physIcaL Pain thAt I can'T do anYtHinG. iSn't thAT FuN?).

I wIsH I could helP WIth CleveR lInes, But I've nEver been good with prE-DetErmined phraseS. I'm Also NOT gOod AT dEFusInG The SITuation–my usual rEsponse is tO rESpOnd so nastiLY thAt They'll nEver speAk to mE Again. My Social skiLls might nEeD somE WOrk.

, in my experience, a cert ain subset  of u ppe r-c ru st N ew Y ork frum socie t y ju st does not think it's  esse nt i al t o  b e fri endly t o  A N Y  ou ts id er.  W i ll  they  go  out of  their way  to  b e rude? Hope f ul ly not, bu t “ niceness” fo r i ts own  s ake is ju stnot u p ther e  on th e list of  v a lues.This is i nADDI TION to endemic r a ci s m–I'm not, obv iously ,d is m i ssi ngthe huge,gi ant r a cist fa c to r . 
Bu t  consider, fo r instance, the  stere ot ypi c al whi te So ut h ern er. (I am f romthe South .) Les s  racist than aNew Yo rkJew ? Ma y be ,may be not .  B utt heminimumst an dardof p o l i t enes s i s mu ch, m uch higher. G rrr r.
F irs t off , wor d to  e veryt hing y ou've  s aid here. Nothi ng d rives mecra zi erth an pe o ple as kin g m e, “tha t's a f u nny  n a m e .Are you Jewish?” N o, I 'm  not Jew ish, I ' mju s t random ly  ha ngin g out i n th i sshul, re adingf lu en tly out  o f a si dd urwit h not rans litera tion, an d bei n g called for a n  aliyah becau s eI ' mL uthe ran . Not every oneJ ewis h is na med Tovah  Gold be r g. Oh, and yes, just i ncase y ou we re wondering,  there are i n deed Jew s in th e  country thatmy gi ven name o r iginates  from . And in  the coun t r y that m y s urn ame  is f ro m, too. Which y ou,oh  stupid  pe rson at  ki ddu sh,  mi gh t know if  you eve rbo th er edto lo o k beyond  t hesh tet l. An d  by th e way , yo ur  g e fil te fish is n asty .
E r, r ant  o ver.
I h a d a  second  point (b efo r e Igo tdistrac ted), and tha twas to say  t hat  if yo u want a t herapist who can help y o u withcop ing m echa nisms for  ch ronicpai n  and r acism,  ther eare p eople w ho  sp ec ialize inb o ththose  a reas . Maybe  it's not worth it for  you personal ly,  but I  h ave af rie nd who f ound this reall y helpful,  a n din my owne xpe ri ence, i t's bee n goo d  to hav e other p eople hel pme w i t h c oping mech anisms f or things I hav e  n o con tro l over  b utwhich  cause meemoti onal/p hy sicaldistr es s (in my  case, emotional stress  turns  into  su ch terrib lep hys ical pain  tha t I can'tdoany thing . I s n't t hatf un ?). 
I wi sh I could hel p  w ith c le ver lines,b u t  I' ve ne ver been g oodwith pre-determin e d phrases. I'm  als o not  go o d at  d efusing the si tua ti o n –my usua lresponse is  to resp on d  so n astily  thatthey'll n ev e r spea k to  me  again. M y s oc i al skil ls  m i ght ne ed s om e work .

, in_my experience,_a certain subset of_upper-crust New_York_frum society_just_does not think_it's essential to_be friendly to ANY_outsider. Will they_go_out of their way to be rude? Hopefully not, but “niceness” for its own_sake_is just_not_up_there on the list of_values.

This is in ADDITION to_endemic racism–I'm_not, obviously, dismissing the huge, giant racist factor.

But_consider,_for instance, the_stereotypical white Southerner. (I am from the South.) Less_racist than a New York Jew?_Maybe, maybe not._But_the_minimum standard of politeness_is much, much higher. Grrrr.

First off,_word to everything you've said here._Nothing drives me crazier than people asking_me, “that's a funny name. Are_you Jewish?” No, I'm not_Jewish, I'm_just randomly hanging out in_this shul, reading_fluently out_of a siddur_with no transliteration, and being called_for an aliyah_because I'm Lutheran. Not everyone Jewish_is_named Tovah Goldberg._Oh,_and_yes, just_in case you_were_wondering, there_are_indeed Jews in the country that_my_given name originates from. And in the_country that my surname_is_from, too. Which you,_oh stupid person at kiddush,_might know if you ever bothered_to look_beyond the_shtetl. And by the way, your gefilte fish is nasty.

Er, rant_over.

I had a second point (before_I got distracted), and_that was_to_say that if_you_want a_therapist who can help you with coping_mechanisms for_chronic pain and racism, there are_people who specialize in_both_those areas. Maybe it's not worth_it for you personally, but I_have a friend who found_this_really_helpful, and in my own_experience, it's been good to have_other people help_me with coping mechanisms for things I_have_no control over but which cause_me_emotional/physical distress (in my case, emotional_stress_turns_into such terrible physical pain_that I can't do anything. Isn't_that fun?).

I wish I could help with clever lines,_but I've never_been good with pre-determined phrases._I'm_also_not good at defusing the situation–my usual response is to_respond so_nastily that they'll_never speak to me again. My social skills might need_some work.
