 suddenly it was the most important thing I could say. It seemed only fair to tell him, as we were getting more serious.

"Andy, I can't have children." There, I said it. That wasn't so bad.

"What do you mean? How could you possibly know that?" He was shocked, but not horrified; that was good.

"I had cancer." I decided to keep it simple. "After the surgery I had, I am sure that I can't have kids." I smiled weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He didn't and I wished I knew what was going on behind those wide eyes.

When Andy did speak, it was in a sputter, "That... must have been... hard for you."

How thoughtful to think of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relaxed. It had been hard. Mostly the feelings of the 16 year old me had been excitement that my monthly menstruations had ended and then a feeling of being some kind of freak because they had.

The surgery had been private and very few people knew. I really had never thought to be upset about the whole kid thing. That life had seemed so far away. Sitting here in the now too warm car, I was beginning to see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little boy with sandy hair and big green eyes that sparkled like the ones staring at me now, danced in my mind. "Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes," I admitted–like now.

"Well, there is still adoption, Mark's adopted you know."

"Yeah, I think he mentioned that once."

He reached across and stroked my cheek. I yawned. It had been a long day. "I should take you home, it's getting late." The drive home was quiet. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. He walked me to my door and gave me a brief but sweet kiss on the lips. "I still need to work on that paper. I'll call you tomorrow if I can get it done."

"Sorry to pull you away tonight. Good luck finishing it." I waved and walked in, feeling a little sick. Something just seemed off. I wasn't sure if it was my shock or that his eyes didn't sparkle when we said goodnight.

* * *

Andy didn't
suddenly it was the most important thing I could suppose. It seem only fair to tell him, as we were become more serious. 

 " Andy, I can't have child. " There, I say it. That wasn't so bad. 

 " What do you mean? How could you possibly know that? " He was aghast, but not horrified; that was good. 

 " I had cancer. " I decided to keep it childlike. " After the surgery I had, I am sure that I can't have kids. " I smile weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He didn't and I wished I know what was going on behind those wide eyes. 

 When Andy did speak, it was in a spatter, " That... must have been... hard for you. " 

 How heedful to think of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relax. It had been hard. Mostly the feelings of the 16 year old me had been agitation that my monthly menstruations had ended and then a feeling of being some kind of freak because they had. 

 The surgery had been private and very few people knew. I really had never think to be upset about the whole child thing. That life had seemed so far aside. Sitting here in the now too warm cable car, I was beginning to see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little boy with sandy hair and big green eyes that sparkled like the one staring at me nowadays, danced in my mind. " Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes, " I admitted – like now. 

 " Well, there constitute still adoption, Mark's adopted you acknowledge. " 

 " Yeah, I think he mentioned that once. " 

 He reached across and stroked my buttock. I yawned. It had been a long sidereal day. " I should take you home, it's getting late. " The drive dwelling was quiet. He didn't appear to want to talk about it. He walked me to my door and gave me a abbreviated but sweet kiss on the lips. " I still want to work on that paper. I'll call you tomorrow if I can get it done. " 

 " regretful to pull you away tonight. full luck finishing it. " I waved and walked in, feeling a little brainsick. Something just seemed off. I wasn't sure if it was my shock or that his eyes didn't sparkle when we said goodnight. 

 * * * 

 Andy don't
 sufdenly it was the most ioportant thing N could say. If seemed only fair to tell him, as we wwre gtnting more serious.

"Andh, I can't jave chiodrei." There, I said iv. That wasn't sk bad.

"Chet do you mean? Mow could ymu possibly knmw tkat?" He was shocked, but not horrified; that wss good.

"I had canser." P qecisvd to keep it simple. "After the aurgery I had, I am sire that I can't have kids." L smlled weakly at him hoping thaj he qould smile cack. He didn't and I wiahed I knew what was going on bdhind those widg syfv.

When Andy vid spvak, it was in a sputtar, "That... must have beek... harv foe you."

How thoughtful tm think of me instgad of how ic might change things bwtweet us. I rdoaxdd. Jt hzd beej herd. Mostly fhe feelingw of the 16 year old ke yad been excifement trat my monthly menstruations had ended dnd then a feeling of beint some kind of freak hecause trey had.

The surgery had been private and very few [eoplx ynec. I rexolj had never thought to be upset about the whojs lic thing. That llfe had seemed so gag sray. Sitting hgre in cge now too warm car, L was bgginnibg to see whay I was losing. Unbidden, a pucture of a juttle boy with sanby hair and yig grgen eyrs that sparkled like tke onea staring ah me now, sxnced in my mind. "Yesh, it is... hard, sometimes," I adiitted–likx now.

"Cell, thefe ix stilj adoption, Mark's adopted you know."

"Yfah, I tvink he mejtioned that once."

He reached across and strokec ky bheek. I ycwned. Lt had been a ljng day. "I shoukd take you fome, it's gvtting lave." The drive home was quiaj. He didn't sexm to wane to talj about kt. He walked mr to my door and gace me a brief but xwegt kiss on the li'r. "I still need tp wurk oj vhat [dper. I'll caln yoj tukorrod if I can net it cone."

"Sorry to pull yog awzy tonight. Good luvk finishibg it." I raved and walled in, feeling a llttle sirk. Somrthyng just seemed off. I wasn't sude if it aas my shock or thab hif eyes didu't sparkle when we said goodnight.

* * *

Andy vidn't
suddenly it was the most important thing say. seemed only to tell him, serious. I can't have There, I said That wasn't so bad. "What do mean? How could you possibly know that?" He was shocked, but not horrified; was good. "I had cancer." I decided to keep it simple. "After the I I sure I can't have kids." I smiled weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He and I wished I knew what was going behind those wide eyes. Andy did speak, it was a "That... must been... for How thoughtful to of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relaxed. It had been hard. the feelings 16 year me been that my monthly ended and then a feeling of of freak because they had. The surgery had private and few people knew. I really had thought to be upset about the whole kid That life had seemed so far away. Sitting here in the now too warm car, beginning to see what was losing. Unbidden, picture a boy sandy hair big green eyes that sparkled like the ones staring at me danced in my mind. "Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes," I "Well, is still adoption, adopted you know." "Yeah, think mentioned that once." He and my It been long day. "I should you home, it's getting late." drive home was quiet. to talk about it. He walked me to door and gave me a brief but kiss on the lips. "I still need to work on that paper. call you I can get it done." "Sorry to pull away tonight. Good luck it." I waved and walked in, feeling a little Something seemed off. wasn't sure if was my shock that his eyes when we goodnight. *
 suddenly it was the most imporTant thing I Could Say. it sEeMed oNly fAir to tell him, as WE werE getting more serious.

"AndY, I can'T hAVe chILdRen." ThEre, I saiD It. tHAt wAsN't So bAd.

"wHaT do yoU meAn? How coUld you possIblY kNow that?" He was SHoCked, but not HorRified; that waS goOd.

"I had CaNceR." i deciDed To keeP it simPLe. "AfteR the surgeRy i Had, I am SUre that i CAn'T havE kids." I smiled weaklY At HIm hoping that he Would sMiLE bACK. He DidN't and I wishEd i knew WHat was gOInG ON BehINd those wide eyEs.

When Andy dID spEak, it wAs In a SPutter, "that... mUsT HavE been... hard foR you."

how thoughTful to THink of mE Instead Of how iT miGht ChanGE tHiNgs BeTWeeN Us. i reLAxeD. It had beEn HaRd. MosTly tHE FEElinGs oF the 16 Year oLd me had been exCitEmenT ThaT my moNthly MensTrUatioNs had eNded aNd Then a feeling of bEing Some kind oF frEaK beCaUse thEY had.

ThE suRgeRy had beEn privaTE anD vERY FeW people knew. I really HaD NEvEr thoughT to be uPSeT aBOut the whOlE kiD thiNG. that lIfe hAD sEemed so fAr away. sItTiNg here iN tHe now tOo WarM caR, I was BEginNing to See what I Was loSIng. Unbidden, a piCTure of a little BOy WITh SAndy HaiR and big greeN eyeS That SparKLeD liKE the oNes stArINg AT me now, danced in my minD. "YEah, it iS... hard, Sometimes," I admItted–like nOW.

"wEll, there Is stILl ADoption, Mark's adOpted You know."

"YeaH, i think he MentiOned that Once."

He reaCHEd across And StrOkeD my CHEeK. I yawned. It had BEEn a lOnG day. "I shOulD take yoU hoMe, iT's gEttInG late." The dRive home WaS qUiEt. he dIdn't sEEm to want To TalK aBouT it. He WAlked mE to my Door AnD gAVe mE a brief BUt SWEet kIsS oN the LipS. "I Still Need TO woRk on thaT paper. I'll CalL You tOmOrRow if I cAn get it done."

"SoRrY to pull you AwAy tOnight. gOOd luck fiNishing it." I waved and walkeD In, feeliNg a LittlE sicK. SomethinG juSt seemEd oFF. I wasn'T sure iF it waS mY shOCK or thAT HiS eyEs Didn't sparkLE WheN we saId GoodNight.

* * *

AnDy didn't
 suddenly it was the mostimportantthing  Icou ld  say . It  seemed only f a ir t o tell him, as we were  gett in g  mor e  s eriou s.

"An d y, I  ca n' thav ec hi ldren ."There,I said it.  Th at  wasn't so b a d. 

"What do  yo u mean? Howcou ld you  p oss i bly k now  that ?" Hew as sho cked, but  n o t horr i fied; t h a twasgood.

"I had can c er . " I decided to  keepit si m p le.  "A fter the s ur geryI  had, I am s u ret hat I can't h ave kids."I  sm iled w ea kly at him  hopi ng tha t he wouldsmil e back. H e didn ' t and I wishedI knew  wh atwasg oi ng  on  b e hin d  t hos e  wi de eyes. 
Wh en An dy d i d s peak , i t wa s ina sputter, "T hat ...m ust  have  been ...ha rd fo r you. "

Ho wthoughtful to t hink  of me in ste ad  of  h ow it mightcha nge  things  betwee n  us .I r el axed. It had beenha r d .Mostly t he fee l in gs of the 1 6yea r ol d me ha d be e nexciteme nt tha t  m ymonthly  m enstru at ion s h ad en d ed a nd the n a feel ing o f  being some ki n d of freak be c au s e  t h ey h ad. 

The surge ry h a d be en p r iv ate and v ery f ew pe o ple knew. I reallyha d neve r tho ught to be up set aboutt h e  whole k id t h in g . That life ha d see med so far away. Si tting  here in  the nowt o o warm c ar,  Iwas  be g i nn ing to see wh a t  I w as  losing . U nbidden , a  pi ctu reof  a little  boy wit hsa nd yhai r and big gree neye stha t spa r kled l ike t he o ne ss tar ing atm en o w, d an ce d in  my  m ind."Yea h , i t is...  hard, so met i mes, "Iadmitte d–like now.
"W ell, there  i s s till a d o ption, M ark's adopted you know. " 

"Yeah , I  thin k he  mentione d t hat on ce. " 

He r eached  acro ss  an d strok e d  m y c he ek. I yawn e d . I t had  b eena longday. "I should tak e  yo u home, it'sget ting l at e." Th e  dr iv e  ho m e  was quiet. Hedidn't see mt owant to ta l k a bo ut it.He walk ed me to my d oor and g ave me abr iefb u t s weet kisson the l ips. "I s t ill n e ed  to w ork  on th at  pa per.I'll c a llyou t omorro wif I c an ge tit done. "

"Sorry to pull you a way to night . G ood luckfin i shi ng it." I  wav ed and wal ked  in , fee lin g  a li ttle si ck. Somet hing just seem e doff . Iwasn't sure i f  it  wasmys hock o r th at his eyes didn' t  sparkle whenwe s a i d g ood n ight .
* * *

Andy d idn 't 
 suddenly_it was_the most important thing_I could_say._It seemed_only_fair to tell_him, as we_were getting more serious.

"Andy,_I can't have_children."_There, I said it. That wasn't so bad.

"What do you mean? How could you_possibly_know that?"_He_was_shocked, but not horrified; that_was good.

"I had cancer." I_decided to_keep it simple. "After the surgery I had,_I_am sure that_I can't have kids." I smiled weakly at him_hoping that he would smile back._He didn't and_I_wished_I knew what was_going on behind those wide eyes.

When_Andy did speak, it was in_a sputter, "That... must have been... hard_for you."

How thoughtful to think of_me instead of how it_might change_things between us. I relaxed._It had been_hard. Mostly_the feelings of_the 16 year old me had_been excitement that_my monthly menstruations had ended and_then_a feeling of_being_some_kind of_freak because they_had.

The_surgery had_been_private and very few people knew._I_really had never thought to be upset_about the whole kid_thing._That life had seemed_so far away. Sitting here_in the now too warm car,_I was_beginning to_see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little_boy with sandy hair and big_green eyes that sparkled_like the_ones_staring at me_now,_danced in_my mind. "Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes,"_I admitted–like_now.

"Well, there is still adoption, Mark's_adopted you know."

"Yeah, I_think_he mentioned that once."

He reached across_and stroked my cheek. I yawned._It had been a long_day._"I_should take you home, it's_getting late." The drive home was_quiet. He didn't_seem to want to talk about it._He_walked me to my door and_gave_me a brief but sweet kiss_on_the_lips. "I still need to_work on that paper. I'll call_you tomorrow if I can get it done."

"Sorry to_pull you away_tonight. Good luck finishing it."_I_waved_and walked in, feeling a little sick. Something just seemed_off. I_wasn't sure if_it was my shock or that his eyes didn't sparkle_when we said goodnight.

* * *

Andy didn't