truth   the message i got growing up  i am so smart but i’m bad because i don’t do the work each day like everyone else   but  i can do anything as long as i’m stressed and rushed enough   but  it’s a terrible shame that i don’t live up to my potential what’s wrong with me  “why can’t you do this every day girl” repeated from every corner  so  i could be a good person  and i could have the career i should have  if i just find a way to be stressed enough every day  embrace the adrenaline stoke the anxiety  try this  months and years later for some reason living in fight or flight mode every day takes a toll on my mental health complete breakdown   i’m willing to have my depression and anxieties treated a little but not enough that i lose my edge it’s the only way i can do any work at all what’s the point of being a happy vegetable   i remain dysregulated   more breakdowns   oh i get it i’m brain damaged and stupid now might as well sleep for a year or two   start over again no drugs   i figure out how to do life with a few decades utterly lost in between and that pesky depression cropping up on the regular   but i don’t give a shit anymore about “potential” or “smarts” or what other people think i should do  and thanks to being a few decades older with plenty of memories and regrets and a backup plan for how to be poor without dying i get to decide this time   yay