i failed a class because i just couldnt get it together meanwhile my overall gpa was 39 in engineering summa cum laude multiple regional and national awards still happened i dont know how i tried my best sometimes my brain switches on sometimes my brain switches off i had to sacrifice my entire life to get as many 90 exams as possible because i would randomly get some fucking 30 my college career was a life in a dark room with books and nothing else no partying no breaks never anything fun people are proud of their gpa it only reminds me of how much i hate myself it has happened several times already beyond college where i randomly fail some random task miserably like no one around me could have imagined it it is painful and humiliating  i sometimes i just want to bash my head against the wall hoping that a major concussion would somehow miraculously fix that broken part of me i loathe it i try so fucking hard and that fucking faulty piece of shit keeps fucking me over randomly  the best thing in my life is my partner we work so well off of one another and we complement each other perfectly she takes care of me like a personal assistant she is my guardian angel i spend a lot of time with her walking my dog because i found that it was critical towards ensuring i stave away the thoughts of self-harm  truth is i can see myself circling the drain without them even with good healthcare providers and mood stabilizers theres a dark place in my head and it is a constant battle to fight off the ever encroaching darkness