at the beginning of your post you say you wish you could just not feel anxious or guilty - this is compounding your suffering you have to learn to be willing to feel your feelings in their entirety the more you try to control and escape your anxiety the worse you’ll make it   look into radical acceptance and also look into how to stop ruminating see my post history and work by michael greenberg   it’s hard but you can get better once you learn to stop your compulsive behavior usually rumination is a big one but changing your behavior will likely force you to experience all the anxieties and feelings you are desperately avoiding