i did this for an entire year one time because i had a project due that didnt have a deadline i can confidently say that was the worst year of my life the constant self hatred and stress was awful but no matter how hard i tried i couldnt actually get myself to do it people always told me to just sit down and focus for a while to get it done they clearly dont understand adhd one of the best descriptions of this feeling ive ever seen was from this sub when someone said its like being forced to sit in a chair and watch yourself in the third person you see everything thats going on but cant affect any of it  the only reason i was able to actually finish that project was because eventually a hard deadline was set   this was all a couple years ago before i even knew i had adhd im curious if it would have been different if i was on meds lol  anyway op i totally understand what youre feeling but its best not to focus on what could have been something i learned early on is that focusing only on the negatives or how things could have gone if only i didnt have adhd will destroy you instead of focusing on what you did wrong focus on how youll improve for the next time