this has been my last 18months every day ive become totally inept and become very skilled at helplessness i dont do the things i feel need to be done the adulting stuff then i dont do the things i wanna project up with or progress on as i havent earned that when so much important stuff is falling by the wayside and going to have consequences so i just spend most of the time just floating in my house alone anxious and consumed by my own thoughts and internal battle to just do the fucking thing that is getting to me  occasionally a magic formula happens and i wake up fresh and just do a bunch whilst in the window of being able to usually followed by days of being wiped out for no reason other than a paralysis of action or anxious exhaustion and stress combines with this learned lethargy gained by slowly allowing myself to dwindle over time to this boring af empty void  what fucks me off is my capacity to activate is determined almost entirely by the involvement of others i cant for the life of me figure out how to just want and do purely for my own benefit unless some yet unknown special conditions are at play or im really pissed of about something going on and i just power clean to deal with it lol  youre not alone my friend