i can feel the weight on your heart and the strength you have to be able to bear such a burden strength to have such a positive perspective on life yet youve suffered so much i get the similar feeling when reading your post to the feeling i get when i think about the thestrals from harry potter  sometimes we find our greatest strengths when we are in our darkest places as you know all too well thats not always the case but it seems like youve found strength somewhere for this i am relieved i know you will be okay even if its for nothing else but the penguins you saying this gave me a sorrowful chucklepenguins are awesome  im so truly touched by your persistence and so truly touched by your compassion im sure you are a great friend and so were they i wish you didnt have to go on without them the experience of surviving on is a horribledreadful one one that changes a persons very core--one that will resonate through your bones until your own end of times  but it cannot be changed i once had an epiphany when i was suffering the loss of my 32 year old brother almost 8 years ago now to reckless driving on his account no need to console me much time has passed i had been in very dark times for a few years drugs drinking slipping university grades discovering i had adhd for the first time and fighting the stigma one day i couldnt find the courage to move out of bed it was a beautiful day my friends were hanging out and i wanted none of it i lied in bed lights off curtains closed and in the dark  i wish i knew how to say this better but basically in that moment a switch flipped in my head i was done with the darkness i didnt want to be sad in the dark damnit i said if im gonna be this fucking sad im at least gonna go be sad in the sunlight were its pretty  i think ever since then ive been okay with life even when it got really really difficult i still had a baseline feeling of being content am i always happy no even after 8 years i still cry i cry for my loss i cry for the loss my mother and father must suffer and for the loss his widow and his children aged 8 and 3 at the time now have to bare and i still dream about him though he has become different and ghastly in my dreams i still love seeing him in my dreams even if they are haunting he use to tell me in my dreams that he was okay now im not very religious now he just stands thereand stares motionless i can hug him and he will hug back but he squeezes me so tightly i cant breath and says nothing when i stop he just stares at me again  im sorry i got a little side tracked you said something about sharing and i feel like there is also strength in companionship between people who have suffered i think that reading your post has caused me to re-experience some things  youre compassion and strength knows no bounds youve struck my core humanity and ive never met you your spirit is one that is vibrant and colorful and even in the face of darkness you will persist  keep on keeping on thank you for sharing