thank you op and all of the people commenting i have so much love for you all  the guilt i feel not wanting to be a burden on people is unreal and takes away my ability to wake up peacefully  sometimes i work on it and it’s a lot better other times it’s just inevitable  i feel a lot differently now being 32 and know i am not stupid or bad i have so much love for my younger self and all that i’ve put her through but the burden feeling i mentioned is so unshakeably debilitating at times  lucky to have a supportive partner and family to be my guiding light when mine is burnt out if anyone is stuck and looking desperately for a way out i suggest google inner child healing meditations yes it sounds cheesy be open minded this has helped me for a year or two to be able to fall asleep peacefully and heal a lot of inner resentment which reminds me that i need to start back up with meditating again when shit hits the fan i know it’s the right thing to do sorry for lack of punctuation haven’t taken meds yet