this is me only i must be up at 6 to tend to kids this gives me anxiety nightly i have nowhere to be just another day i don’t sleep well xanax at 8 or 9 helps then i wake at 3 or 4 to take my effexor then i wake at 5 to pop 20-40 mg adderall fingers crossed the stars align and my podcast nails the content i was seeking or knocks me out then baby cries or 4yo has a nightmare  i am either fucking ready to do the things or i’m garbage i thought i was going to figure it out then i became a mom then i developed shitty coping mechanisms because all momming all day makes mimsy a bigger mess sometimes i give my husband the “i’m in a level of hell that you’ll never understand” but he knows my vices i speak openly about how i feel but nobody takes me seriously  never ever being alone is causing me to deteriorate   i just want to be alone for a day one day so i can do whatever i need to do sleep so i don’t drink and get fucked up or do the things that i used to do like take showers blow dry my hair fit into my size 6 jeans fuck wear jeans at all  i never felt like my typical behaviors were valid until this sub