i used to be anti-meds too i had so many bad experiences so i hope if you hate them you hear me out  that being said finding the right meds was life changing for me and it only happened when i found a therapist who could do my med management we adjusted dosage and type according to the work we were doing meds can numb you but thats only a problem if you are working through your erp or something   tldr  use all the tools in your toolbox at the times you need them our brains are complicated allow things to shift