that could have easily been me at 24 a few years of adult life where i couldn’t seem to figure out how everyone was really accomplished their goals suicidal ideation began at 17 i linked it to beginning hormonal birth control but really i couldn’t understand how everyone else was planning for college or why at 19 i hyper fixated on the details of my first breakup so heavily i couldn’t turn off my thoughts enough for sleep my first psychiatrist heard there was adhd in the family but focused on the depression and placed me on ssri meds that turned me into a zombie i couldn’t even cry anymore so i made bad choices that allowed me to feel anything depressed myself further to at least have some emotion and honestly i was praying for death every single night for years  i’m turning 26 soon about to finish my bachelors because my adhd mother pushed me to go back and as of 5 months ago finally on the correct medication only because i went back to school if there is one good thing about this pandemic for me it’s that i finally had the true push necessary to get diagnosed adhd proper medication has saved my life depression and anxiety are so much better than they used to be they’re not my actual diagnosis they’re symptoms of my true diagnosis and figuring this out i can’t ever thank my mom enough she’s a recovering alcoholic almost 15 years sober my momma is amazing and addiction runs deep in her family so i get why she always thought i should avoid amphetamines yet she has been the most amazing advocate for me getting on proper medication and creating coping mechanisms to get me though but the biggest realization is that i finally understand her how her life ended up where it is how lucky i am that she never gave up because she’s stuck in the tornado brain chemistry that i was but she can’t fix it with meds she has wanted out so many times yet refuses to give up and cause her children and loved ones pain she’s the only reason i am still alive because i could never cause her that pain either  thanks for this opportunity to write this out i need to go call my mom again i’m thankful for her that’s my happy thing every single day if she can keep going i know i can