im pretty much in a permanent seemingly non-ending and ongoing one for years already my thoughts keep me stuck which also leads to actions that often hurt me physically and it comes with the complete inability to remain calm or enjoy a moment  which basically keeps me from living as it prevents literally _anything_ from being doable with peace i cant even watch movies anymore with a relaxed mind let alone study which i really have to i doubt ill make it i ask myself how to even live with that im afraid i wont be able to enjoy life at all and im only 21 yet  where i live it takes 2-3 years until you can get a psychologist that is paid by health insurance - time that i dont have  being with friendsother people weakens it much and relieves me but thats not possible the whole time and i dont have many friends i end up staying at home finding a non-productive way to distract myself and just skip time which leads to it just becoming even stronger and my severe depression diagnosed and overthinking doesnt help at all for sure vicious cycle  i had already made myself fully aware of the fact that the following is the worst idea ever and the most stupid thing you can possibly do butthese days the thought of just quitting just ending it all actually crosses my mind again and again