_:n1bcb1f89d8244328b65f6e2050646ae5xb0
<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"On tonight's episode of *The Bachelor*, poor Warsaw, Indiana, was made to hold a sort of caucus in which Ben was the only candidate. Ben visited schools, Ben visited diners, and Ben waved to the locals. The votes are in, and nobody won. Except for the winners of these awards:\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b1bebf143c52613b87]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __The sentence should have ended here award: \"Denver is where I live now—\"__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  Then why are we *here*? No one's ever going to live here, and we didn't need to come to middle America to hear that you were champion of high school—you talk about it constantly wherever you are. Move forward, Mellencamp. Nobody wants to ride in this dumb truck!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b1bebf143c52613b82]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Clearest indicator these girls haven't had television in a while: This__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  Adrenaline *throbs* in the veins of these women as they toss wet foliage at each other. Someone give them the comics section or something. Doonesbury just slays Jojo.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b1bebf143c52613b84]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Most appropriate reaction to someone saying \"Just don't look through my parents' windows...they're still very much in love\": Lauren B.__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  We weren't even talking about them. What is wrong with you? Now you've gone and made me whip out the face I usually save for people who try to pee while the plane is landing.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b162b398fa64cbd29e]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Most boring privilege: Learning about Ben's hometown__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  Of course it's nice to see the hometown of someone you're dating. But the pomp with which every detail of Ben's vanilla history was presented would have been more appropriate for, you know, Princes William and Harry and literally no one else. The big reveal: This hotel that used to be a movie theater is actually where Ben had his first kiss. Whoa! What are the odds of *all* of that, you know? It's not like things get renovated all the time and middle schoolers kiss exclusively at the movies!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b162b398fa64cbd2a0]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __You let me down tonight: Wrigley Field__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  I'm not sure what made this date so annoying. Was it that Ben and Jojo seemed totally uninhibited about lying together on the turf even though they could see their weirdly entwined bodies on the Jumbotron? (No, it's fine, roll around! It's not like Bill from the groundskeeping crew has to just hang out til you're done so he can make sure your butts don't dig permanent bad-hop spots into the grass.) Was it the fact that now there's a \\#20 \"Mrs. Higgins\" Cubs jersey floating around out there when that number belongs to a real person (outfielder Matt Szczur)? Or was it that Jojo tries to act like this is a huge experience for her even though she breathlessly asked Ben \"what is *this*?\" while pointing at the *scoreboard*? Last one, probably.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b21632e6ca44c16e2a]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Centerpiece of Becca's terrible day: Being left in this barn__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  No problem. I'll just sit among all the gauzy props from that time Wheat Boy Soules sent me home.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b21632e6ca44c16e28]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __New low: The McDonald's tie-in__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  In case you aren't the kind of masochist who's been stopping your fast-forward function to subject yourself to Ben's McDonald's ad: Ben does a McDonald's ad now. Cut to tonight's episode, in which he takes Amanda to Mickey D's and forces her to repeat the phrase \"Would you like breakfast or dinner?\" alongside him. All this for the grand reward of one fry, which they lady-and-the-tramp just to make us truly give up on this life.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b21632e6ca44c16e2e]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Best kiss of death: Ben's mom's indifference__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  Mrs. Higgins is a woman of firm opinions. She likes her vests swingy and her chardonnay crisp. And if you haven't \"ma-toored\" past the point of wearing slashed-up pants, then don't even step off your pontoon boat and into her flawless yard. All Mrs. Higgins has to do is pronounce chatty cheerleader Emily \"a fun...individual\" and the lake freezes over, Ben pees his pants and Emily is on the next plane back to, now where did you say she's from, dear son? Ah, yes. Las *Vegas*.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b262b398fa64cbd2a8]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Strangest use of public property: This__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  We've got the city council meeting on Monday, the senior citizen prom on Tuesday, and a weird witch gathering that will confuse and scare everyone on Wednesday.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[#image: /photos/56e1f3b262b398fa64cbd2a6]||||||\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n  __Most fun group to play with this gang: \"Which *Sex and the City* character are you?\"__\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n*Easy. Lauren B. is Charlotte, Amanda is sad Charlotte, Jojo is Charlotte when she's wearing a low-cut dress and trying to be \"bad,\" and Caila is pure Charlotte DNA that hatched from an egg, grew up in the Charlotte version of a Jurassic Park and escaped to L.A.*"
<https://www.glamour.com/story/the-bachelor-ben-higgins-episo>