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"\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\n\n\nTanya Selvaratnam did not even consider having a baby until she was in her mid-30s. By then, the Harvard-educated theater producer/activist/writer had met and married the love of her life, and the two decided to start a family. Like many women of her generation, Selvaratnam, now 42, thought she had time to get an education, pursue a career, find the right partner and then have kids. But after her third miscarriage, Selvaratnam, then 39, started to worry that she had waited too long. Though her doctor assured her that she \"still had time,\" Selvaratnam was not convinced.\u00A0She started to do research and was stunned to learn that she had missed her prime fertile years \u2014 which peak in a woman's 20s, according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine \u2014 by almost a decade.While women can (and do) get pregnant naturally from their teens through their 40s, it gets much harder the older we get.\u00A0\"By the time a woman reaches 30, 90 percent of her finite egg supply is gone,\" Selvaratnam reports in her new book,\u00A0The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism and the Reality of the Biological Clock. That means women in their 20s are at their baby-making peak \u2014 but what if you are not ready to become a mom yet? Selvaratnam spoke with Cosmopolitan.com about what she learned from her own painful quest and from other women who also mistakenly believed they had time to waitWhat inspired you to write this particular book?\u00A0My third miscarriage happened in fall 2011, and I was frustrated by how much conflicting information was out there about the physical and psychological experience. What struck me most, though, was how little I knew about my own fertility. We are told to get pap smears and mammograms, but no one talks about fertility. The more I talked to people, the more I realized that everyone had a story to tell too, whether their own or about a sister or friend. I started to wonder, \"Why aren't people talking about this in a more frank and solution-oriented way?\" Originally I was going to write a memoir about my experience. But as I started talking to people and experts and my doctors, the story became much bigger than just myself.What is the Big Lie?There are actually several. The biggest is that we can become mothers on our own timetable. Another one is that we can manipulate evolution. There are some people who so badly want to believe that we can control the biological clock with science and reproductive technology. But that is only because we are not really aware of the statistics. As many as 77 percent IVF cycles fail \u2014 but we only hear the success stories. People don't share their stories of loss as readily. I thought if I could speak publically about my story, then other people share theirs, too. These heartbreaking scenarios\u00A0\u2014\u00A0of women who gave up after five failed rounds of IVF, for example\u00A0\u2014\u00A0can balance the more optimistic ones. It's not about making people panic. It is about giving them accurate information.What do young women need to know?\u00A0Fertility declines as you get older, so you should educate yourself about it now. Even if you don't want to have a child in your 20s, there are things you can do so you will have options when you are older. For instance:\u00A01. Talk to your OB/GYN about your plans to become a mother.2. If you are in a serious relationship, discuss these plans with your partner.3. Look into your insurance and see what is covered.\u00A0Only 15 states for instance cover fertility treatments.\u00A04. Start taking care of yourself now \u2014 eating well and exercising are key to prime fertility. Smoking and drinking are not.\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\n5. If you are not ready to think about becoming a mother anytime soon, look into freezing your eggs before you turn 28.\u00A0What other things can be done to help young women realize how important this issue is?OB/GYNs should have women's fertility charts in their offices. We talk about how prevent pregnancies \u2014 we should also talk about how to ensure them when we are ready. Sex education also has to be overhauled to include fertility and how reproduction works for both women and men. So it is not just about preventing STDs and pregnancies but also about what it takes to become a parent. This way they will not be caught unaware, like I was, and then feel stupid for not knowing the facts.Where should you women start?\u00A0\n\nHave a strategy. To do that, you must ask the question, do you want to be a mother? If so, how do you plan to accomplish it? Will it be with a partner? Could you do it on your own? Do you want a career? What kind of career? Do you want a family and a career? How can you achieve balance, and what does balance mean to you? And how does it relate to your definition of happiness?We live in a very judgmental society and also a very sensitive one. One problem is that we are always comparing ourselves to others, and that just sets us up for failure and disappointment, especially when it comes to creating a family. So instead, put yourself boldly into the future by imagining your ideal family. And then share that vision with your partner, your friends and family. There is a multiplicity of ways to create a family.How is our quest to stay forever young interfering with our fertility?Many of the fertility experts that I spoke to said that women who come in look younger than their age and are puzzled that it is so hard for them to have a child.\u00A0Dr. Carole Kowalczyk of the Michigan Center for Fertility and Women's Health told me, \"35 is the new 28.\" We may look and feel younger than women did a generation or two ago, but our eggs are still aging at the same rate. People don't understand that. And they should.Is egg freezing the way to go?It was until recently experimental, but even with improved techniques, the eggs do not always survive the thawing period, even for younger women. But I know one woman who did it at 42. My doctor would not have recommended that, and I wondered why her doctor did not say the same \u2014 but then I remembered this is a $4 billion industry.\u00A0Has feminism played a role in this misconception that women can wait to become mothers?\u00A0Feminism advocates for a world where women can pursue their ambitions \u2014 it did not tell women to not become mothers. Instead, it told them all the things they could do aside from being a mother. It may have created a tension between feminism and motherhood, but it's a false tension. If you look at the advances that feminism has made for motherhood \u2014 daycares at work, baby seats, breastfeeding education and more, these are all specific concerns women have around being mothers. One of the big lies I address is that we don't need feminism anymore. We need it more than ever.Follow Liz Welch on Twitter.Photo Credit: Chiara Clemente"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a18547/tanya-selvaratnam-the-big-lie/>