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" When you&amp;#039;re an enthusiastic member of the mom club, it&amp;#039;s natural to want your pals to join too. But making assumptions about your buddy&amp;#039;s baby-making plans can be offensive and invasive\u2014and thinking you know better because you&amp;#039;re a parent can hurt your friend&amp;#039;s feelings. &amp;quot;Comments about childlessness can be taken as criticism,&amp;quot; says New York City therapist Mindy Utay, LCSW, who often counsels infertile couples. Whether a couple is childless by choice or struggling to conceive, prying questions are likely to hit a nerve, she adds. Even if you have good intentions, &amp;quot;A woman without kids may hear, &amp;#039;What&amp;#039;s wrong with you\u2014why are you different?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Here are some gaffes to avoid with childless friends\u2013and what to say instead.  1. &amp;quot;So when are you guys going to get started?&amp;quot; Whatever a woman&amp;#039;s reason for not having kids, you&amp;#039;re heading into none-of-your-business territory by asking the above. &amp;quot;At work, a woman I barely knew told me, &amp;#039;You&amp;#039;d better not wait too long to get pregnant,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Margie, who married in her thirties. &amp;quot;She didn&amp;#039;t know we&amp;#039;d been trying a couple years already. I started crying and was so embarrassed.&amp;quot; Best to avoid this question altogether, says Laura Scott, author of Two is Enough: A Couple&amp;#039;s Guide to Living Childless by Choice. And not only because of potential infertility issues: &amp;quot;Twenty percent of women remain childless these days, so we can no longer assume parenthood is for everyone,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Even though you have baby on the brain, it&amp;#039;s not a top priority for every woman.&amp;quot; 2. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;ll understand when you&amp;#039;re a mom.&amp;quot; Sure, motherhood can change your perspective on many subjects, from discipline to healthy eating. But childless women don&amp;#039;t come from another universe, says Laura Carroll, childfree blogger and author of Families of Two. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s a myth that the childless don&amp;#039;t know anything about parenting,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;They were once children themselves, they may have nieces and nephews or they may work with kids.&amp;quot; Instead of subtly putting her down, show genuine interest and curiosity about your friend&amp;#039;s opinions on parenting topics, says Carroll. She may surprise you with a fresh and effective approach. 3. &amp;quot;Just relax. You&amp;#039;ll get pregnant in no time.&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;Relaxing doesn&amp;#039;t help when there&amp;#039;s a medical reason you can&amp;#039;t conceive,&amp;quot; says infertility blogger Lori LeRoy, author of The Inadequate Conception\u2013from Barry White to Blastocytes. &amp;quot;Even if you could magically avoid the stress, there&amp;#039;s still no guarantee of getting pregnant.&amp;quot; A smarter suggestion for your frazzled friend: &amp;quot;Let&amp;#039;s go for a run, go shopping or get a massage to take your mind off things.&amp;quot; 4. &amp;quot;It must be nice to have time to read a book/go to the movies/have a romantic dinner.&amp;quot; Just because a friend doesn&amp;#039;t have kids doesn&amp;#039;t mean she&amp;#039;s living a life of leisure, says Carroll. &amp;quot;Many childless adults are as busy as parents, but they spend their time in different ways,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Statements like this also imply that parents have it worse, and there&amp;#039;s pressure to feel sorry for them.&amp;quot; A better option? Simply ask: &amp;quot;Have you seen any good movies/been to any good restaurants lately?&amp;quot;  5. &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t invite you because there will be kids at the party.&amp;quot; Never exclude a couple because you think they might be uncomfortable with pint-sized guests. &amp;quot;It isolates them and treats them like outcasts,&amp;quot; says Utay. &amp;quot;They&amp;#039;re childless adults\u2014not children\u2014and can make their own decisions.&amp;quot; Instead, offer the invitation and subtly make it clear who the guests will be. Try: &amp;quot;We&amp;#039;re having a few families over for a barbecue, and we&amp;#039;d love it if you&amp;#039;d join us.&amp;quot; 6. &amp;quot;Have you tried different sex positions/diets/doctors/wearing looser underwear?&amp;quot; Recently, 30-year-old Hannah told a friend she was struggling with infertility\u2014and immediately got advice on everything from nixing wheat from her diet to using nontoxic cleaning agents. &amp;quot;Her intentions were good, but I didn&amp;#039;t need her to troubleshoot through my infertility woes,&amp;quot; says Hannah. &amp;quot;I needed a listening ear or a hug.&amp;quot; You can be kind and caring without being a know-it-all, says LeRoy. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s okay to say, &amp;#039;If you want me to connect you with a doctor or a friend who struggled to get pregnant, let me know.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Otherwise, just let her vent. 7. &amp;quot;Is your husband okay with you not wanting kids?&amp;quot; A comment like this sounds like you&amp;#039;re questioning your friend&amp;#039;s marriage, says Carroll. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s like you think your friend is depriving her husband of something he must automatically want,&amp;quot; she adds. Angel, a fortysomething, childless-by-choice college administrator in Pennsylvania, frequently hears this. &amp;quot;I always respond that my husband and I made the decision together,&amp;quot; she says. Best bet: Get a grip on your curiosity, and stay mum. 8. &amp;quot;Your dog isyour baby.&amp;quot; Donna, an administrative assistant who is childless by choice, certainly loves her 10-year-old Husky mix, Rusty. Still, she was surprised when a friend complained that her finicky toddler wouldn&amp;#039;t eat veggies and then said, &amp;quot;All you have to do is dump some dog food in a bowl.&amp;quot; Donna was taken aback. &amp;quot;I laughed at her comment, but inside I resented it,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Did she believe I thought having a dog was the same thing as having a child?&amp;quot; Elevating pets to human status is condescending and insulting, says Utay, because &amp;quot;it implies that your childless friends don&amp;#039;t know the difference between an animal and a person. Also, it highlights what childless pet owners don&amp;#039;t have, rather than what they do.&amp;quot; So feel free to ask about beloved pets, notes Carroll\u2013most friends welcome your interest. Just don&amp;#039;t make &amp;quot;pet&amp;quot; synonymous with &amp;quot;baby.&amp;quot; 9. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;ll change your mind about having kids in a few years.&amp;quot;  Imagine someone telling you, &amp;quot;One day you&amp;#039;ll change your mind about keeping your children and want to trade them in.&amp;quot; Making similar comments to your childless friends is insulting, says Carroll, because it suggests that deep down, they want kids\u2014they just don&amp;#039;t know it yet. (But you magically do!) Don&amp;#039;t go there, Carroll advises: &amp;quot;Accept that your friend has made a different lifestyle choice than you, but you still love her and are committed to the friendship\u2014whether she ever has kids or not.&amp;quot; 10. &amp;quot;Since you don&amp;#039;t have kids, you can afford a new car/remodeling project/vacation.&amp;quot;  Not every childfree person is merrily jet-setting around the world, says Scott. &amp;quot;Many times the goal is to retire early or follow a passion that may not produce a hefty paycheck,&amp;quot; she adds. Angel says that acquaintances often assume she and her husband are rolling in extra money because they don&amp;#039;t have kids. &amp;quot;People make blanket statements about our finances without considering that we both work for nonprofits,&amp;quot; she says. A less intrusive approach: Compliment your friend&amp;#039;s hobby or project (&amp;quot;I love your new kitchen tiles!&amp;quot;), but don&amp;#039;t bring money\u2014or children\u2014into the conversation. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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