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"I've never actually sat through any kind of beauty pageant, at least not all the way through, as evidenced by this. But I subjected myself to Miss USA 2014 last night, just to see just how much (realistically, how little) I knew and understood about beauty pageants. Here are 32 thoughts I had over the course of the evening. 1. I just checked the program info. This is three hours. How do you have that much pageantry in one program? What could possibly happen?2. The preamble to this show featured a really quiet voiceover, so I turned my volume up, and then I was suddenly assaulted with the inane screaming of Thomas Roberts and Giuliana Rancic. I was still by my speakers when it happened. I feel betrayed.\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\n3. All the contestants are taking their masks off and screaming their names and states. This could go a lot faster if everyone could just scream her name at once.\n\n4. Alternatively, we could just skip half the states. I don't remember most of them anyway.5. That was a joke. I learned all 50 states in alphabetical order in fifth grade and it's pretty much the only thing I retained into adulthood.6. We made it to Wyoming. That took 20 minutes and a musical interlude.7. I am convinced these judges are not humans but robots.8. Thomas just said, \"Start picking out your favorite lady.\" Which is something toothless old madams probably also say at a brothel.9. Wait, they're going to go from 50 contestants to 20 after the first commercial break? 10. OK, I know Randy \"The Natural\" Couture from MMA, Lance Bass from N'Sync, and the dude from Sharknado 2: The Second One. There is seriously no standard for these judges. They just picked a couple of people that don't watch Game of Thrones n Sundays.11. I am so excited to see how they start eliminating \u202612. Oh. They're doing it in groups of four with stories for each woman and commericial breaks in between.13. I'm beginning to figure out why this is three hours.14. Miss Georgia just alienated all of California when she said she hated flying there. That's one of the biggest states. How can you be Miss USA if you hate one of the biggest states?15. The judges just announced that Nelly will be performing tonight and the crowd went wild. Louisiana loves Nelly, apparently.16. They just introduced Miss USA 2013, Erin Brady. Does she get to defend her throne or is she vacating it willingly?17. Miss Tennessee grew up in the circus. She's a carnie.18. Miss California is in the top 20. Suck on that, Miss Georgia.19. This is the Super Bowl of beauty pageants in that it's mostly commercials.20. I was just informed by fellow Cosmopolitan.com writer Alex Rees that Miss Alabama was given a cupcake by Josh Hutcherson and apparently this is reason enough to root for her. I have no reason not to trust him.21. It sort of makes sense that Miss Oklahoma was homeschooled.22. OK, now the judges are just pandering with that Miss Louisiana pick. They're working the crowd.23. It has been a full hour since they announced they'd narrow the competition down to 20 women.24. When they got to the 20th finalist, it was really awkward watching everyone else stand there and fake smile. Thirty women on stage being passive-aggressive at once.25. Randy Couture's thousand-yard stare is the best thing to happen so far.26. The evening gown portion of this event is like taking acid at prom.27. Oh, cool. Narrow down to 10 contestants and save Louisiana for last just to get the crowd going again.28. Miss Florida's whole identity is based around her dead dad. It's tragic on multiple levels, honestly.29. Miss Louisiana doesn't think we should subject ourselves to terrorism. Everyone knock it off, OK?30. The background music during these questions and answers is amazing.31. Miss Iowa is trying so hard not to look disappointed for getting fifth runner up.32. OK, Miss Nevada won. Nothing personal, Nevada, but I have no idea why. I don't understand what happened.Related Miss USA Explains \"Why Some Girls Sound Stupid\" Answering Beauty Pageant Questions 22 Bizarre Fun Facts About This Year's Miss USA HopefulsFollow Frank on Twitter. Photo credit: Getty"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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