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" Question I am 34-years-old and have been married for 12 years. I have two children aged six years and 10 months.  My marriage has been in decline for a while with neither of us bold enough to face up to the fact. Life has &amp;#039;bobbed&amp;#039; along with occasional highs and lows and I have lost the love that I once felt for my wife.  It feels like we are just &amp;#039;going through the motions&amp;#039; primarily for the sake of the children. The spark has gone from our relationship.    A few months ago, I started having an affair with a woman at work. In all of the years I have been married I have never done anything like this before or even contemplated being unfaithful.  What started with a night of passion while away on business has developed into something much more. Clich\u00E9 I know, but my relationship with this woman is everything that my marriage is not. Things came to a head three months ago. I left home and went and stayed with my parents. I needed some time to sort out my feelings and what I felt I needed to do.  My affair remained a secret at this time and still does. I went home after a week-and-half because of the impact my leaving had made on my six-year-old son. I ended my affair and went home with the intention of making my marriage work.  Unfortunately, three months later I feel I have made the wrong decision.  My wife is trying very hard and so was I in the beginning, but there is no will on my behalf to carry on with what I see as a facade and the spark that was once there shows no sign of returning.  To further complicate matters the affair has started again, as neither of us has been able to get over the feelings our relationship generated.  I feel things are coming to a head again and I need to make a decision about what to do.  I feel that I should leave home and make a new life for myself with my lover, but I am frightened, as this would be the biggest single decision I have ever made.  What if I get it wrong? My major fear is what impact this will have on my children who are the most important things in my life.  How can I tell my wife my feelings and what I want to do and how can I admit to being an adulterer, which is what I am? Answer David writes: Well, I have seen this &amp;#039;scenario&amp;#039; many times before. And what usually happens is that the husband eventually leaves. Whether this would be right in your case, I do not know. But what I do know is that you and your wife and your lover should not be trying to cope with this awful situation without any professional help.     It is urgent that you yourself talk to a counsellor who can give you some practical advice about what to do next. In a moment, Christine will tell you how to go about finding someone suitable.  But my final word to you is this: go and live on your own for a short time, within reach of your children, but not under the same roof as either woman.  Your parents&amp;#039; home would do. This will take some of the pressure off you, and give you a chance to sort your head out.  Christine adds: I&amp;#039;m very sorry about this very difficult situation. The not very palatable fact is that whatever you do, someone is going to be hurt.  The other thing to take on board is that these things happen. You use the word &amp;#039;adulterer&amp;#039; \u2013 a very emotive word with all sorts of legal and biblical connotations.  I guess that none of us ever thinks we&amp;#039;ll be an adulterer. We probably always think that it&amp;#039;s only other people who do this kind of thing \u2013 maybe we&amp;#039;ve grown up believing that adulterers are always bad, weak or horrible people.  But mostly, they&amp;#039;re just human and fallible and vulnerable, like the rest of us.  Of course there are persistent adulterers \u2013 people who perpetually leave a trail of wreckage in their wake \u2013 but most people who stray are not like that at all.  They&amp;#039;re like you, caught in a marriage that seems to be going nowhere \u2013 and desperate for happiness and fulfilment.  So, what can you do? The first thing is to do what David suggests, and live somewhere separate from either woman.  I see you went to your parents before, so that might be an option. Or perhaps you could stay with a sibling, or a friend.  Secondly, I feel you owe it your wife and family to try some relationship counselling with her \u2013 but if you do this, it will mean that you have to put the other woman &amp;#039;on hold&amp;#039;.  This will be terribly difficult for you \u2013 and for her \u2013 but you need to feel and believe that you have given your best shot to your marriage.  Either this will result in you and your wife becoming closer \u2013 or it won&amp;#039;t. And if it doesn&amp;#039;t, you will be able to walk away from the marriage with a clearer conscience.  Believe me, if you and your lover are meant to be together ultimately, then she will wait. And that relationship will stand a much better chance if you genuinely try to sort your marriage first.  In other words, I believe you need to feel that if your marriage is going to end, it&amp;#039;s because it has failed, or run out of steam and not just because you have found someone new and exciting.     Do you see what I mean?  The obvious place to go for relationship counselling would be Relate. There is one alternative - but you would have to pay more. You could go to a private counsellor who is a member of the College for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (COSRT).   should point out that many Relate counsellors are also members of COSRT. However, there will almost certainly be more of a waiting list for Relate than for a private counsellor.  If the marriage does end, can I suggest that you and your wife go for mediation to an organisation such as National Family Mediation. You can contact them on 0300 4000 636. This will smooth the way to good arrangements for contact with your children. Your wife is bound to feel very hurt and rejected if you go \u2013 and may make life difficult for you with regards your children if you don&amp;#039;t get things sorted out in mediation.  The other factor needing consideration is what a divorce would cost you financially. If you haven&amp;#039;t a clue, you might want to contact the Citizen&amp;#039;s Advice Bureau in your hometown.  No one can tell you what you must do now. And no one can spare you \u2013 and the other people involved \u2013 a great deal of pain.  But if you take things a step at a time, I believe that your way forward should become more apparent to you.  The fact is that loads of people have gone through what you&amp;#039;re going through now. It&amp;#039;s awful at the time \u2013 but things do sort themselves eventually.  I know you intend to act as decently and as fairly as you can \u2013 and I know that you won&amp;#039;t make a rush decision.  I wish you every good fortune for the future \u2013 however it may turn out.  Yours sincerely Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert  Other Qs &amp;amp;amp; As I&amp;#039;m in a sexless marriage for the sake of my children. Should I pursue an affair?  Love on the internet My lover and I can&amp;#039;t bear to think about each other having sex with our spouses On the brink of a sexual frolic Sexy emails are confusing me  Last updated 12.07.2016 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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