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" Tonight in Columbus, Ohio, the U.S. men&amp;#039;s team plays Mexico, in a matchup locals are calling, &amp;quot;something to do until Ohio State posts more of their football practices on YouTube.&amp;quot; But seriously, aside from this quite possibly being the greatest North American sports rivalry ever, a victory for the U.S. (combined with some other stuff) means they&amp;#039;re in the 2014 World Cup. So you might as well settle in, retrieve your Joe-Max Moore jersey from the dry cleaner, and get learned on everything you need to know about this iconic rivalry come 8 o&amp;#039;clock EST: The Serious History This will be the 63rd match played between these two teams, with Mexico leading with 33 wins, 16 losses, and 13 ties. For those of you who like to be that excessively informed snob at the bar, the first match ever played happened in 1934 in Italy, for a chance to play in the World Cup. And because, at the time, planes were only flown by Amelia Earhart solo, the teams had to take month-long trips to Italy aboard ships. The Mexicans \u2014 overconfident that the Americans would suck \u2014 did no training aboard their vessel, and spent the majority of their time at the midnight buffet and piano bar, ironically requesting &amp;quot;Piano Man.&amp;quot; The U.S. on the other hand must not have had a piano bar, because they spent the month running and lifting those old-timey barbells, and arrived in much better shape than the Mexicans. The Americans proceeded to win 4-2.  The Serious Tension      To put it subtly, these teams hate each other&amp;#039;s faces. Seriously. Over the years, there have been a variety of incredible incidents that have stoked said fire made from anger, including but not limited to Mexico&amp;#039;s Ramon Ramirez Daniel-LaRusso-crane-kicking Alexi Lalas&amp;#039;s special parts in a 1997 U.S. Cup game, Landon Donovan going No.1 in front of fans on the beloved Estadio Jalisco grass in &amp;#039;03 during a World Cup qualifier, and Mexico&amp;#039;s assistant coach lady-slapping American Frankie Hejduk in the stadium tunnel in 2009 because he didn&amp;#039;t like Hejduk&amp;#039;s postgame antics. The Serious Players If you&amp;#039;re somehow rooting for Mexico \u2014 maybe because you like being the contrarian, or because you fetishize trolling your fellow countrymen \u2014 you&amp;#039;ll want to keep an eye on Manchester United striker Javier Hernandez, who has the most goals for Mexico during the Qualifiers, and peculiarly wears his nickname &amp;quot;Chicarito&amp;quot; on his jersey. Though if you&amp;#039;re averse to rooting for someone named &amp;quot;little pea,&amp;quot; check out Giovani dos Santos, who currently plays for Villarreal in the Spanish La Liga. Santos has crazy speed, deft touch, and usually wears a sweet black women&amp;#039;s headband, which gained American prominence recently when Jets QB Mark Sanchez wore the same thing, but typically did it in a much worse fashion.    gifrific   On the American side, you can&amp;#039;t ignore the old face of U.S. soccer Landon Donovan, and his still impressively torrid pace and ability to make scorching runs and distribute, or the new face of U.S. soccer Clint Dempsey, whose return from the Premier League to Seattle and uncanny ability to finish from anywhere (and make amazing faces at Jamaican national team players) has made him a near superhero in States&amp;#039; soccer circles.  Bonus U.S. players to watch: Pray they eventually sub in Aron Johannsson and Eddie Johnson, because A) Aron used to play for the Icelandic national team, just completed his transfer to the U.S., and looks so much &amp;amp;lt; target=&amp;quot;_blank&amp;quot;&amp;amp;gt;like a young Kevin Bacon that creative people actually call him Aron Bacon, and B) Eddie Johnson is currently sporting the Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man blonde dye job, and its horrible and fascinating and horrible all at once. Oh, and both can score on occasion. The Serious Stakes If you didn&amp;#039;t notice from before, this match means a lot. The U.S. can actually qualify for the World Cup with a win (plus a win or tie for Honduras against Panama, which should happen because they&amp;#039;re home, and Panama is Panama). Mexico \u2014 who just fired their coach and replaced him with the guy who coached them to Olympic Gold in London, Luis Fernando Tena \u2014 almost has to win to ensure they can at least still be in the running to qualify. Additional (Serious) Questions:  Will Mexico give up that crap, boring conservative style they played under Jose Manuel de la Torre and play more dynamic, innovative soccer that won&amp;#039;t make you want to rip out your eyes and sell them for old Turner and Hooch LaserDiscs?  Will DaMarcus Beasley \u2014 a converted winger now playing left fullback \u2014 not scare the crap out of every American and actually defend balls played in the air toward him?  And finally, who will replace the injured Michael Bradley in the U.S.&amp;#039;s central midfield? Kyle Beckerman, a cautious player and strong defender who looks like he has been touring the country selling grilled cheese at String Cheese Incident shows? The offensive minded Joe Corona, who plays in Mexico for Tijuana, and has a name that sounds like it was made up by Republican pollsters to represent a slice of the demographic they must win in 2016? Or Mix Diskerud, who first has to overcome being named Mix Diskerud?  Want to hear Kevin talk more about soccer, LaserDiscs, and Joe-Max Moore? Follow him on Twitter at @KAlexander03, and check back here every Tuesday for his Americanized English Premier League roundups. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/sports/news/a23851/usa-mexico-world-cup-qualifier-preview/>