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" &amp;#039;But Sophie&amp;#039;s mum lets her do it!&amp;#039;\u00A0No wonder children pull this one out of the bag so often. &amp;#039;It goes straight to the heart of parenting, making you question whether you are fair,&amp;#039;\u00A0says Dr Rachel Andrew, a clinical psychologist who specialises in child and family psychology.\u00A0 &amp;#039;It can also tap into parents&amp;#039; fears about whether their children actually like them. The bottom line is we all want to be fair and likeable.&amp;#039; So should you give in? Much is dependent on context, of course. You might decide there&amp;#039;s no way on earth that you&amp;#039;re going along with Sophie&amp;#039;s parents&amp;#039; laissez-faire attitude on teenagers drinking alcohol in their home, whereas it might seem perfectly reasonable to rethink your rules about whether your (much younger) child is ready to start going on sleepovers. But context isn&amp;#039;t everything, says Dr Andrew. &amp;#039;It&amp;#039;s also about modelling the idea that no matter how much your child tells you about what goes on in other families and that no matter how great your need is to be seen as an open-minded parent, you have some set, unbendable rules, whilst others may become more flexible, particularly as the child gets older.&amp;#039; There&amp;#039;s no faster way to make a child insecure than failing to have boundaries, she explains. &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;ve worked with many children whose parents had no rules, or who were willing to bend most of them, and without fail, they grow up with problems. Children feel uncared for, even unloved, if nobody bothers enough to say no.\u00A0 &amp;#039;That&amp;#039;s not to say children won&amp;#039;t test the boundaries \u2013 often using other parents&amp;#039; more lenient rules as justification - but they feel much more safe and secure knowing they are in place.&amp;#039; Nobody&amp;#039;s suggesting parents should rule a rod of iron. Indeed, being completely uncompromising and failing to listen to our children&amp;#039;s opinions can create a whole different set of problems, says Dr Andrew. &amp;#039;As children become more mature, some rules do need to be adapted.\u00A0 &amp;#039;Providing children with greater independence in a variety of ways is doing our job as parents and sometimes it will be other parents&amp;#039; leniency in certain areas that makes us re-examine our idea of what&amp;#039;s appropriate for our child. It&amp;#039;s also important to remember that no child wants to feel they&amp;#039;re the only one not doing x or y.&amp;#039; But never, ever change a rule in the heat of an argument, warns clinical psychologist Linda Blair. &amp;#039;If boundaries get dropped abruptly when everyone&amp;#039;s in an emotional state, that can be very frightening for children.&amp;#039; In particular, she says, it gives them too much power, teaches them that anger gets results and makes them feel insecure in their relationship with you. Even if you feel you were wrong to have said, &amp;#039;No, you can&amp;#039;t go to the cinema with your friends,&amp;#039;\u00A0when you discover that every other child in your son&amp;#039;s friendship group is able to go \u2013 and actually, when you stop and think about it, why not? \u2013 it&amp;#039;s essential not to back down in the midst of a quarrel, she says.\u00A0 &amp;#039;A day or two later, perhaps you could say over dinner, &amp;quot;You know, I&amp;#039;ve been thinking a lot about what you said and I think as long as I drop you off and pick you up, it would be OK\u00A0to go.&amp;quot;\u00A0Apart from anything else, it should lead to more reasonable, less heated discussions the next time they think you&amp;#039;re being unfair.&amp;#039; One sure way to avoid the &amp;#039;But Sophie&amp;#039;s mum lets her!&amp;#039;\u00A0\u00A0argument is to stay one jump ahead of the game, regularly communicating with other parents on hot parenting topics of the moment, as well as following debates on parenting forums and seeking online parenting advice, says Blair.\u00A0  At what age should kids be allowed a phone? Should children be able to help themselves to food at home? What is a reasonable bed-time for a nine-year-old? Discussing and reading about such dilemmas also helps provide the all-important context that your child&amp;#039;s argument most likely lacks.\u00A0 It might well be a sensible decision of Johnny&amp;#039;s mum to give him a phone, for instance, but it&amp;#039;s a pay-as-you-go for emergencies only, not the all-singing, all-dancing iPhone 6 your child is demanding to have available at all times. Some parents are cajoled out of a clear family rule as a result of sheer embarrassment, but they shouldn&amp;#039;t be, says Dr Carol Burniston, clinical child and adolescent psychologist, who believes a parent&amp;#039;s gut instinct should count for a lot.\u00A0 Picture a group of families out for lunch, she says, where most kids have mobile devices at the table. You don&amp;#039;t allow this, preferring mealtimes to be sociable, but you don&amp;#039;t want to be seen to be criticising every other parent. &amp;#039;If you feel strongly about it, stand by it, pointing out that different parents have different rules,&amp;#039;\u00A0says Dr Burniston.\u00A0 Honouring difference is something parents don&amp;#039;t do enough of, she believes. &amp;#039;Many of us spend far too much time looking for confirmation that our way of parenting is the right way, but of course there are many ways of being a good parent.&amp;#039; Above all, let&amp;#039;s not forget children&amp;#039;s ability to emotionally blackmail, says Blair. &amp;#039;That&amp;#039;s why your very first response to your child&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;But so-and-so is allowed!&amp;quot;\u00A0claim is to raise an eyebrow and say you&amp;#039;ll check. Because you might just find that Sophie&amp;#039;s mum has said no such thing \u2013 it&amp;#039;s just your child clutching at straws.&amp;#039; Written by Kate Hilpern More on prima.co.uk: How to help children learn to cope with life&amp;#039;s challenges "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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