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"  I&amp;#039;m a woman, and I think I might taste bad. Could it be something I&amp;#039;m eating? What do you mean you &amp;quot;think&amp;quot;? I suppose some girls are not as limber as others. Whatever, let&amp;#039;s assume you do taste bad (and it is bad, not badly, but I&amp;#039;ll leave that grammatical stew to simmer, because if I have to go into a parts-of-speech lesson, the fellas will get too turned on to finish reading!). First, consider that your taste is probably the result of a vaginal infection, inferior genes, bad jeans, or any combination of your dirty habits: infrequent bathing, too frequent freebasing, sitting too close to the television set, etc. And some experts (the ones who would talk to us) don&amp;#039;t rule out that your diet could indeed be influencing what the bloggers keep referring to as your &amp;quot;congealed salmon and battery acid&amp;quot; flavor. (But don&amp;#039;t let them bother you. Take it from me: They&amp;#039;re just jealous!) Garlic and onions spring to mind. Curry is far from innocent. Antihistamines, too. Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus author Violet Blue (who was kind enough to speak to me now that Blue Indigo Violet is no longer accepting my calls) posits that one can sweeten one&amp;#039;s taste by drinking &amp;quot;a smoothie that contains cucumber, mango, and pineapple juice once a day for three or four days,&amp;quot; and hopefully by that time, anyone who was considering oral sex with you will have moved on. But Howard I. Glazer, neurophysiological psychologist and coauthor of The Vulvodynia Survival Guide, which is not, as the title suggests, about Russia, says it&amp;#039;s not as simple as eating some things and not others, since everybody metabolizes things differently. Not to mention, taste is a matter of taste. I&amp;#039;m sure you can still recall that innocent age before you developed a taste for fresh semen. Personally, I remember my bittersweet years back at James Caan Prep, where my fellow Swallows and I would horse around the locker room and squeal with disgust at the very thought of such a thing! It may take a while to find a suitor with an appropriately refined palate. So in the meantime, forget the smoothie. Just pour yourself a big glass of Benadryl, take the cucumber to bed, and wait it out. What do women really want me to smell like on a date? Roses, of course. It was decided at the last Women&amp;#039;s Summit. There was me, Steinem, that French chick, Fonda, Longoria, and Charo, and we were in the hot tub, drinking our daiquiris, and Jane said, &amp;quot;I want my perfect date to smell like roses -- pink roses,&amp;quot; and we all said, &amp;quot;Oooo, me too!&amp;quot; But perhaps I&amp;#039;m remembering it incorrectly. The fact is, women don&amp;#039;t really know what they want, and you complicate matters with your zesty talcs and voodoo sprays. It&amp;#039;s better to smell like a somewhat honest version of yourself. According to Rachel Herz, visiting professor in psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, &amp;quot;When men mask their biology with cologne and seduce women, women can end up making a biological mistake,&amp;quot; and all too often naming it something like &amp;quot;Jayden James.&amp;quot; In a blind smell test, women favored the worn T-shirts of men who were biologically unlike themselves, and not those of Warren Oates after a long weekend in Mexico, as I predicted. It has to do with the furtherance of the species: Selecting a mate with dissimilar genes makes for better progeny. But you want to get laid, and luckily Dr. Alan Hirsch, neurological director of the Smell &amp;amp;amp; Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago, has logged countless hours measuring vaginal reactions to a variety of odorous stimuli. His findings from a recent study indicate that the scent that most incites the female sex drive is a combination of Good &amp;amp;amp; Plenty candy and cucumber. Cucumber. My, how that gourd comes up. Whose advice is more likely to get me laid, yours or that Mystery guy&amp;#039;s from The Pick-up Artist? The Pick-up Artist? You mean the movie where the guy hits on a bunch of chicks and then bones Molly Ringwald? That&amp;#039;s no &amp;quot;mystery guy&amp;quot; -- that&amp;#039;s Robert Downey Jr. Maybe you ought to crawl out from under your pet rock and check your VHS cabinet once in a while, pal. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a3919/sex1207/>