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" I recently joined a book club with a bunch of married women, most of them new friends. At the last meeting, after our requisite two-minute book critique, the topic changed to babies and, eventually, a very practical discussion of how often you need to have sex to make them. Then I threw out, &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t know about you girls, but I certainly don&amp;#039;t have sex every day anymore!&amp;quot; Everyone chuckled, a few mumbled &amp;quot;me neither,&amp;quot; and then the room went silent. We all had an excited, if slightly tense, look on our faces, hopeful that someone would offer another PG-13 tidbit. I pictured us refilling our wine glasses, tucking our legs under ourselves, and dishing on who&amp;#039;s doing what, how often, where, and when. But we didn&amp;#039;t. Someone mentioned Bethenny&amp;#039;s baby, and just like that we were off on a Real Housewives tangent. The pregnancy talk we&amp;#039;d just had included details only a woman&amp;#039;s gynecologist should know, but talking about sex for fun? Crickets. I can&amp;#039;t help but think that if that room had been full of single ladies, things would have been very different. Before I got married, my friends and I talked freely, casually, even competitively about what we were doing in the bedroom. Those sessions were a way to bond, to commiserate, to laugh, to learn \u2014 and simply to have a good time. Rehashing reality TV is fun, but it&amp;#039;s not the same kind of fun as hearing about the guy who wanted to lick barbecue sauce off your friend. I&amp;#039;ll admit that in some ways, it&amp;#039;s understandable that we reel ourselves in once a guy becomes a permanent fixture. We&amp;#039;re not just telling a funny/sexy/embarrassing story about &amp;quot;some guy&amp;quot;; we&amp;#039;re talking about the person we chose to spend the rest of our lives with, the father of our children. Bottom line: We stop talking because it seems like the right thing to do. But is it? All those needs we had as single women \u2014 to bond and to learn \u2014 don&amp;#039;t go away when we get married. If anything, they get bigger, because sex becomes more important. It doesn&amp;#039;t take a Ph.D. to know that having sex is vital to keeping a marriage happy. Even a quickie can right wrongs and do what no couples counselor ever could. And though your sex life might be good (you know what works, what you want to try, and what you&amp;#039;ll never do \u2014 never, babe), that doesn&amp;#039;t mean it couldn&amp;#039;t get even better. So why not talk about it? The times I&amp;#039;ve opened up about sex with my married friends have been kind of amazing. Once, a friend who&amp;#039;d just had a baby mentioned not wanting to have sex or even be touched. Um, been there! We launched into a libido comparathon that made us both feel better about our ebbs and flows. Another time, I told a few friends about a new position I&amp;#039;d picked up from being a guinea pig in a magazine&amp;#039;s sex story, and we all benefited. (It&amp;#039;s called &amp;quot;advanced missionary&amp;quot;: He doesn&amp;#039;t thrust \u2014 he just slides up and down. Seriously, try it.) And it&amp;#039;s not just me who thinks sex talk is a good thing: &amp;quot;The biggest question women have when it comes to sex is, &amp;#039;Am I normal?&amp;#039; That curiosity doesn&amp;#039;t go away when we get married,&amp;quot; says Linda Banner, Ph.D., a sex therapist in San Jose, CA. &amp;quot;Talking intimately with friends helps validate what you&amp;#039;re experiencing, and helps you figure out if you have a problem that needs attention.&amp;quot; All that said, I know there should be some guidelines. Running things through the &amp;quot;Would I mind if my husband said something like this to a friend?&amp;quot; filter is a good idea. If we were having problems, I would try to share some good with the bad, so that I didn&amp;#039;t make my husband out to be a dud in bed. And rather than dishing too many nitty-gritty specifics, I&amp;#039;d allude, insinuate, and imply \u2014 in other words, avoid burning any images into my friends&amp;#039; brains that they&amp;#039;ll never be able to shake. And for those times when I just need to spill something that&amp;#039;s too hilarious or embarrassing to be deemed appropriate, I&amp;#039;ll try to find a friend who isn&amp;#039;t likely to be joining our family for taco night anytime soon. Like, say, someone from book club.  --&amp;amp;gt; These ladies think they have solid reasons for keeping mum, but if they opened up, they&amp;#039;d learn more about themselves and their friends \u2014 and find out they&amp;#039;re so not alone. What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;My husband and I are really adventurous. We love toys and role playing! But we keep it to ourselves so that our friends won&amp;#039;t think we&amp;#039;re weird.&amp;quot; \u2014J.P., 33 What she should know: Your pals might have their own sexy stash \u2014 53 percent of women have used a vibrator, 81 percent of them with their partner. What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;I miss sex with just me. My husband knows how to satisfy me, but sometimes all I want is an easy, no-pressure orgasm.&amp;quot; \u2014L.S., 27 What she should know: Your husband should thank you for getting it on solo: Studies show that married women who masturbate tend to be more satisfied sexually and emotionally. What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;Sometimes we go weeks or even months without sex, and it&amp;#039;s not because of me. It&amp;#039;s embarrassing.&amp;quot; \u2014A.R., 30 What she should know: Up to 15 percent of men have low libido at some point \u2014 it can be caused by depression or some medications. Ask your husband to talk to his doctor. What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t climax during sex until after my husband and I were married for three years. I felt like the only adult who hadn&amp;#039;t worked out the mechanics!&amp;quot; \u2014S.S., 44 What she should know: About 25 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse. Getting on top can give you the direct clitoral stimulation most women need, as can a vibrator or your husband&amp;#039;s hands. What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;Most people think married sex is boring, but actually, it&amp;#039;s better than before.&amp;quot; \u2014N.B., 29 What she should know: Married folks don&amp;#039;t deserve our unsexy rep \u2014 78 percent of married women in one poll said they were &amp;#039;somewhat to extremely&amp;#039; happy with their sex lives. So, there! What I&amp;#039;m not telling: &amp;quot;With four kids, it&amp;#039;s hard to find time for nice, slow bedroom sessions, which I much prefer to quickies.&amp;quot; \u2014J.B., 45 What she should know: No sitter? No time for foreplay? You can make quickies 100 percent better with a little lube. Try one that&amp;#039;s self-warming or that tingles for an extra treat. Who&amp;#039;s talking about what? We polled REDBOOK readers to find out. 61 % say they talk about sex less with their friends now than they did when they were single 20 % say they never talk about sex with their pals anymore 36 % say they wish they chatted about sex more often 22 % say they stay mum out of respect for their husbands (17% say there&amp;#039;s just not much to tell) 23 % of women who don&amp;#039;t chat about sex say they would if a pal brought it up 78 % of women say they know their guy shares sex-life details with his friends "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/a6690/sex-talk-with-friends/>