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"You know those movies where the main character meets a bunch of new people who are all a little too normal? Like, they&amp;#x27;re very accurately normal. And dead in the eyes. Then all of a sudden, it dawns on our protagonist: they&amp;#x27;re aliens. Or robots. Or both--which is what I&amp;#x27;m afraid we&amp;#x27;re dealing with here, sir. (It just felt right to add &amp;quot;sir&amp;quot; at the end of that sentence.) This revelation is usually followed by someone yelling: &amp;quot;... RUN!&amp;quot; So Sean, this is me telling you to run. You are stuck in a world of intergalactic artificial hair nails tans intelligence. (Intelligence seems a little strong in this case, but there&amp;#x27;s no time to mince words.) We have to run, now... What&amp;#x27;s that, Sean? You don&amp;#x27;t believe me? Right, I forgot. They never believe the protagonist at first. So as a favor to Earth itself, I&amp;#x27;ll put aside my weekly awards and make my case for these women being non-human entities. They&amp;#x27;re scary even when they&amp;#x27;re trying to be sexy. I dare say that romance novel will be mistaken for a sci-fi book by more than one bargain-bin shopper. They sent a scout. Remember on Ben&amp;#x27;s season when Kacie B. was a relatively stable, bubbly Southern gal? That&amp;#x27;s when her battery pack was on full charge. Now she just kind of skulks around, observing, occasionally remembering to seem interested in Sean, but mostly just reminding the other girls how things work on this planet. I mean, show. They sometimes match up emotions and actions incorrectly. Case in point: angry eating. This is not something we do as a species. Even if you&amp;#x27;re in a bad mood, there&amp;#x27;s food going into your mouth. For the moment, things are fine. They&amp;#x27;re impressed by the nuances of our language. &amp;quot;I love the way you say &amp;#x27;my wife.&amp;#x27;&amp;quot; (This android is gonna love Borat when it comes out on video in her home galaxy.) But they&amp;#x27;ve mastered the basics. Lesson number one in this particular alien manual must read: Humans state what they are here for and not here for on the quarter hour, every hour. E.g. &amp;quot;I am here for Sean.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I am not here to make friends.&amp;quot; They&amp;#x27;ve gotten to Harrison. When Chris said &amp;quot;it feels... kinda messed up&amp;quot; with that wistful, faraway look in his eyes, he wasn&amp;#x27;t actually talking about the prank. He was talking about the Great Experiment. They&amp;#x27;re starting to defect. No one has ever left The Bachelor with such haste as Katie did last night. Did you notice? There was no soliloquy on compatibility or homesickness. She just quit and scuttled into the woods. And you would, too, if you knew that every second counts when trying to elude an extraterrestrial army. And have defects. Ha! This one can&amp;#x27;t even talk anymore. Kacie B will be dragging her to an undisclosed pickup location shortly. They&amp;#x27;re drawn to the mothership. The first operational helicopter debuted in 1936. Humans, by and large, do not lose their s--t at the mere thought of getting to ride in a helicopter these days. So when you see masses of people sprinting ecstatically towards the sound of a chopper, it&amp;#x27;s time to get your apocalypse contingency plan in order. Something&amp;#x27;s not right. OK, Sean. Now can we run? Fine, whatever. You&amp;#x27;ll be so sorry when Tom Cruise is playing me in the movie of this someday. How are you guys feeling about this cast, now that they&amp;#x27;re settling in? Our castoffs this week were Brooke and Diana, by the way. I wish them the best in the wild. ABC"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/01/bad-news-guys-the-bachelor-wom>