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"   1. Unpacking The Douchebag vs. Beautiful Free Vacation Tradeoff OK, Juan Pablo sucks, but to be honest, I&amp;#039;d manipulate Charles Manson&amp;#039;s testicles for a free trip to St. Lucia. 2. Lowest Standards For A Son And Potential Husband Clare tells Juan Pablo&amp;#039;s mom something like: &amp;quot;I feel like he gets me. I feel like he feels how I feel about feeling. When he had an argument, he made sure to say &amp;#039;This is how I feel.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Okay, so we are congratulating toddler-level communication here. Clare leaves feeling relieved that she&amp;#039;s not the only one who thinks Juan Pablo can be rude and horrible.  The actual name of this season is The Bachelor: I&amp;#039;m Not Crazy. 3. Who Nikki and Clare Should Actually Be Competing For Cousin Rodolfo with the ~*~*fLy~**~ adult braces. He knows how to treat a girl right. 4. Biggest Misnomer Clare calls Juan Pablo a &amp;quot;true gentleman&amp;quot; with &amp;quot;the right values.&amp;quot; Sure, if by &amp;quot;true gentleman&amp;quot; you mean &amp;quot;selfish dickcheese&amp;quot; and by &amp;quot;the right values&amp;quot; you mean &amp;quot;talks to grown women like they are seven.&amp;quot;  5. Juan Pablo&amp;#039;s Entire Family Confirms That He Is A Dickcheese His mom: &amp;quot;He sometimes is very rude.&amp;quot; Clare: &amp;quot;It made me cry.&amp;quot; His mom: &amp;quot;Me too.&amp;quot; His dad: &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;s not an easy guy. How you call that, he&amp;#039;s vocalizing what he wants. He give you the truth of everything.&amp;quot; His cousin: &amp;quot;Something that happens with Juan Pablo is when things get hard in a relationship, and he&amp;#039;s willing to walk away, are you willing to hold on to the relationship, or are you one of those persons who walks away at the first sign of problems.&amp;quot;  God, not even his family loves him. 6. Juan Pablo&amp;#039;s Mom Gets Into Some #RealTalk JP&amp;#039;s mom asks Nikki what her average day with Juan Pablo would be like. She says: &amp;quot;We would go to the pool or to the beach, and just kind of hang out and do activities there. At night play games and just have a loving family.&amp;quot; With a desperate gleam in her eye, Mama Galavis spits some truth. &amp;quot;Here&amp;#039;s what my life is: Take care of breakfast. Stay at home watching TV with the family, or Camila, or you, if you are the one.&amp;quot; Jeeeeeeesus. Someone her a copy of The Feminine Mystique, for the love of Christ. Observe her reaction to Nikki&amp;#039;s statement:  7. Craziest Shit Someone Actually Says About True, Enduring Love Nikki has some gems: &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t feel like I need to know everything about a person to be in love with them.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I think with any relationship, if there&amp;#039;s no fighting, there&amp;#039;s no passion.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I feel like I know him on a different level. [The fact that his entire family hates him and he makes his mom cry] doesn&amp;#039;t seem like a red flag to me.&amp;quot; Nikki&amp;#039;s dream man is half-Stanley-Kowalski and half-Hitler, but Juan Pablo will have to do. 8. Best Audience Members The married couple Chris Harrison talks to are amazing. How in the world did she convince him to come to the live taping? Maybe this is in exchange for celebrating the impending Steak and a Blowjob Day. 9. Least Romantic Thing To Say In A Helicopter On their final date, Clare and Juan Pablo were briefly un-miked, and he told her, verbatim: &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t know you at all, but I love fucking you.&amp;quot; Lending more fuel to my theory that what actually happened in the Fantasy Suite with Andie was something sexually degrading, or at least attempted butt-play. &amp;quot;Every single woman deserves to be treated with respect,&amp;quot; says Clare. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not just an object.&amp;quot;  10. Most Mindfucky Seven-Minute Fight After being denied besitos at the door (because he still thinks it&amp;#039;s Adorable to continue to ask for &amp;quot;besitos&amp;quot; because Foreign Language) Juan Pablo resorts to his usual blank eyes and baby-talk when Clare says she didn&amp;#039;t like when he said That Thing in the helicopter. He tells her, fake-comfortingly, &amp;quot;The part I know of Clare, I like.&amp;quot; I think we all know which part he&amp;#039;s referring to. In the next few minutes, Juan Pablo condescendingly convinces Clare to feel bad for him because he has to choose between the two women he is humping. He then says this, because he is pathological.  &amp;quot;This is the conversation you have with a girl before you break up with her,&amp;quot; observes the guy who is watching this with me, which turns out to be correct. 11. Best Vapid Dialogue On a beautiful yacht, Nikki tells Juan Pablo: &amp;quot;Your whole family&amp;#039;s awesome, I like can&amp;#039;t pick a faaaavorite.&amp;quot; That moment instantly became a parasite and ate into my brain and now I do not remember how to divide two-digit numbers. 12. Most Surefire Way To Know You Are Being Broken Up With JP tells Clare: &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re such an amazing woman.&amp;quot; She knows what is happening immediately. 13. A Full Transcript Of Clare Slamming Juan Pablo Because It&amp;#039;s Gratifying  Clare: &amp;quot;This entire time I&amp;#039;ve stuck around because I believed in you, and the other night, on our last date, you came over and we spent our last hour together. I needed that reassurance. And I gave you the opportunity right then. For you to sit there and tell me that you can see yourself in Sacramento, that you could see us having a baby\u2026 I saved this moment for the man of my dreams. And I thought I knew what kind of man you were.&amp;quot; [Juan Pablo tries to speak] &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not done. Sharleen didn&amp;#039;t have the feelings for you. Andie did the same thing. You had every opportunity [to tell me how you feel.]&amp;quot; Juan Pablo: &amp;quot;Do you know how I feel? Do you know when I made my decision?&amp;quot; Clare: &amp;quot;Doesn&amp;#039;t matter to me. I lost respect for you. I thought I knew what kind of man you were. What you just made me go through? I would never want my children having a father like you.&amp;quot;  AMERICA DESPISES YOU, JUAN PABLO. 13. Biggest Cop-Out When Someone Says I Love You Nikki: &amp;quot;I love you.&amp;quot; Juan Pablo: &amp;quot;I love so many things about you.&amp;quot; 14. Best Time I Cried Actual Tears During the After The Final Rose show, Clare appears and passes on seeing Juan Pablo again. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve never been able to stand up for myself with a man before. And it was really liberating to stand there and say exactly how I feel.&amp;quot; 15. Juan Pablo Still Has Not Said &amp;quot;I Love You&amp;quot; To Nikki And their whole lovey dovey schtick feels fake. Screw this. Chris Harrison, if you are reading this, I have a mini-plane-sized bottle of Jack in my desk that I will give you FOR FREE. 20 Completely Bizarre Moments From The Bachelor: Week 6 13 Completely Bizarre Moments From The Bachelor: Week 7 15 Completely Bizarre Moments From The Bachelor: Week 5 16 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 4 13 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 3 14 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 2 11 Insane Moments From The Bachelor Premiere The Bachelor: Countdown To Juan Pablo Recap   Follow Anna on Twitter.   Photo Credit: ABC "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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