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"#TeamPLL, at long last, Pretty Little Liars has returned from its months-long hiatus, but someone should have warned me that I would be slightly underwhelmed and would deal with that feeling like this. In all seriousness, last season&amp;#x27;s finale was so insane that I kind of expected my breathing while watching the season-four premiere to be similar to that of a pregnant woman going into labor on a &amp;#x27;90s sitcom: exaggerated, intense, and accompanied by boisterous laughter from the studio audience. Instead, my breathing was about as mild as when, in the morning, I walk briskly to the elevator at work and then proceed to sit at my desk for the next eight hours, so in actuality, I burned negative calories. What I&amp;#x27;m trying to say is that I was left feeling a little meh.com when the show ended last night. But maybe I&amp;#x27;m being too harsh on &amp;quot;A Is for A-L-I-V-E&amp;quot; because it did have its moments where I wished I had a weave so when I was in shock, I could snatch it off myself and throw it at the TV, so let&amp;#x27;s break down everything that happened during the episode and perhaps my opinion will change. [SPOILERS AHEAD] Introducing Detective Holbrook to Pretty Little Liars and to my dreams. We begin with the Little Liars and Mona opening Detective Wilden&amp;#x27;s car trunk and in it is a dead pig. That&amp;#x27;s it? Y&amp;#x27;all, I&amp;#x27;ve been thinking about what was in the trunk for a long time, and it turns out to be something that was going to end up in Jimmy Dean&amp;#x27;s factory in two weeks. Color me 50 shades of disappointed. Moving on. Mona gets inside the car and steals the chip that&amp;#x27;s playing the footage of Mama Marin running over Wilden. The girls leave and hide out. The Little Liars are still pretty mad at Mona for turning their lives upside down like a 9-year-old does her piggy bank so she can buy a Cabbage Patch doll, and Mona responds by saying, &amp;quot;Emily, you were the weakest link. Look how strong I made you. You should be thanking me.&amp;quot; Hey, Mo, please have a seat and welcome to &amp;quot;How to Make Friends (Or at Least Not Get Pimp-Smacked by a Cocoa-Butter-Smelling Hand) 101.&amp;quot; Step One: When someone who is almost twice your height lets you know that you are or have been trifling, do not tell that person that she is weaker than the 48-hour antiperspirant she&amp;#x27;s wearing. The. End. Anyway, before Emily hits Mona, the other Liars step in and ask Mona to spill the beans about what she knows. And, oh, she spills the beans, the cornbread, and the hot sauce: Last time she saw the car was when she planted it in Hanna&amp;#x27;s garage, Shauna and Jenna knew each other prior to Shauna showing up in Rosewood and they are both afraid of Spencer&amp;#x27;s sis Melissa, Mona thought that when CeCe came to Radley, the insane asylum, it was Ali, Lucas was the one who gave Emily the creepy massage, Mona recruited Toby to join the &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; team, and finally, she didn&amp;#x27;t push Ian at the bell tower and doesn&amp;#x27;t know who did. The next morning, the Little Liars think that Mona left the house because she&amp;#x27;s still working with &amp;quot;A,&amp;quot; but she just went out for a breakfast run for the girls and returns. Wisely, none of the Liars drink or eat that stuff and Hanna demands that Mo hand over the chip, but Mona refuses because she wants to know who red coat/&amp;quot;A&amp;quot; is, so they need to work together. They make a deal: If Mona gives them everything she has on them, then they all can work together. As they head over to Mona&amp;#x27;s lair, they drive past Wilden&amp;#x27;s car again and there&amp;#x27;s a commotion. Then they see his corpse. He&amp;#x27;s dead and on the &amp;quot;I Care&amp;quot; scale, his death is somewhere between how I feel about everyone&amp;#x27;s Kickstarter campaign and how much my friend learned about the world once she gave up TV. Don&amp;#x27;t get me wrong: I will pour out a 40 oz. in his memory, but it will be a crappy Bud Light Lime that has been in my fridge for the past eight months. I&amp;#x27;m sad he was murderized, but I&amp;#x27;m not that sad. Anyhoo, seeing him dead helps the girls realize that &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; is going to try and make it look like they killed him. We cut to Toby in the woods near the lodge. He watches a fireman dig through the rubble. A burned red coat is there, but no &amp;quot;A.&amp;quot; Back to the girls, they&amp;#x27;re at Mona&amp;#x27;s lair, and she shows them footage from last year&amp;#x27;s Halloween party. We see that Wilden was one of the people who tried to kill Aria. Mo claims the other person in the vid is Melissa, but the clip stops playing right before the face is shown, and then all the files on Mona&amp;#x27;s computer start getting deleted. Pause. Has NO ONE on this show ever heard of external hard drives? Every damn week, someone&amp;#x27;s laptop contains critical evidence and not one time has someone had a duplicate copy safely stashed away. Listen, when I make grilled cheese sammiches, I always make TWO just. In. Case. Why can&amp;#x27;t these chicas do the same for something that&amp;#x27;s way more important than bread and cheese? Anyway, the computer shuts down and then the Little Liars and Mo hear audio of little girls laughing and saying the Liars&amp;#x27; names. They run outside and see five girls playing. Each one is holding a doll that&amp;#x27;s named one of the Liars and Mona. &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; gave them to the girls. Later, Hanna tells Em that she&amp;#x27;s going to help Mona move the RV until they have a chance to get rid of it. Turns out Hanna is only pretending to be friends with Mo in order to get the chip back. Then Mama Fields enters the room and lets them know that Jessica DiLaurentis, Alison&amp;#x27;s mom, is moving back to Rosewood. Hanna, still believing that Ali&amp;#x27;s alive, is sure that Jessica does too and that would explain her coming back to town. Emily still ain&amp;#x27;t buying that theory and goes over to help Jessica move back into her old house. Looks like Jess is building a shrine to Ali, but Hanna is convinced Ali&amp;#x27;s bedroom is being prepared for her return. Toby is at the lodge again. This time with Spencer. The red coat is no longer there, but he keeps looking anyway. After Toby tells her it&amp;#x27;s not safe to go inside the house, she does anyway. Luckily, nothing bad happens except that they realize they aren&amp;#x27;t in there alone, but can&amp;#x27;t see who the person is because s/he leaves. At this point, I&amp;#x27;m convinced the person is either Olympic champion Usain Bolt or Casper the Friendly Ghost because s/he is ridiculously fast and gets out of there so quickly. Hanna and Mona hide the RV, and Mo is confident that the RV will be fine. I&amp;#x27;m pretty sure you can guess how that will turn out. So while the RV is busy being the opposite of safely hidden from &amp;quot;A,&amp;quot; Aria tries to ditch out of a coffee shop when she sees Ezra walk in. He stops and they talk. I know their love story is supposed to be like this beautiful ballad, but after three seasons, this mess is like I&amp;#x27;m seriously over it. Be together or be apart, but this back-and-forth is giving me freaking whiplash. End of rant. So Ezra says he got offered a job, but hasn&amp;#x27;t said yes because it&amp;#x27;s at Rosewood. #Realtalk, I&amp;#x27;m baffled that he keeps getting offered jobs to teach at the high school. Like does no one realize he&amp;#x27;s sexing on a student on the reg, and more important, does no one in this small-ass town talk? People in small communities do not keep to themselves like a cat that realizes you do not have a laser pointer in your hand; they get all up in each other&amp;#x27;s business. Back to Ezria. He says he needs to take the job, so he can take care of his family, and then tells her that if she wants to see other people, she can. Aria isn&amp;#x27;t ready for that. Boo, you kissed his brother literally DAYS after Ezra went out of town to meet his long-lost son. You are ready for new peen. #Trust. Spoby a.k.a. Spencer and Toby are having breakfast and being all cute when he gets a text from &amp;quot;A.&amp;quot; It&amp;#x27;s a picture of his mom with the message: &amp;quot;I bet you miss her every day.&amp;quot; He tears up, and my heart is broken. Of course he doesn&amp;#x27;t tell Spence about the text and tries to hide his sadness. At school, Aria stares at Ezra while she&amp;#x27;s hanging out with Em, who suggests going on a double date will take her mind off him. No, Emily. This is not a time for a double date. This is the time for Aria to have sex with somebody else. I know she&amp;#x27;s only a high school senior, but she&amp;#x27;s already doing grown-folk mess, so let&amp;#x27;s not pretend what I&amp;#x27;m suggesting is outrageous. I get that she lurves Ez, but for reals, she is really feigning for him because he is the only dude she has gone all the way with. And to that I say, girl, we have been there. So go hook up with a dude, and then try to do the walk of shame to Dunkin Donuts with pride: and tell yourself that you&amp;#x27;re on your way to meet Hillary Clinton at the White House. Rinse and repeat about three times and then you will be a&amp;#x27;ight. Back to Aria and Em. Mr. Hackett, the vice principal, catches Aria staring at Ezra and gives her the once over the way I do a sweater at H&amp;amp;M that I wasn&amp;#x27;t interested in until I saw somebody else pick it up. Not surprisingly, he summons her to his office and tells her he knows she&amp;#x27;s sleeping with Ezra after receiving an anonymous tip from a &amp;quot;student.&amp;quot; Oooh! The only anonymous tip that was sent at my high school was, &amp;quot;You know that Beatrice eats up all the tater tots on Tater Tots Thursday, right?&amp;quot; Anyway, he pulls out pictures of Ezria in bed. DAMN! And if that&amp;#x27;s not enough, he gets a phone call that Ezra is getting arrested, which makes Aria run like all the world&amp;#x27;s Beatrices who love tater tots do, and she leaves his office in time to catch her ex-boo in handcuffs and being escorted out of the school by the police. Swiffer Sweeper, please meet a new product I bought called Jaw on the Floor. Your services will no longer be needed because my chin is about to clean all the hardwood floors in my apartment. Seriously, I am aghast at this turn of the events! I can&amp;#x27;t believe the writers went there&amp;amp;#8212;oh, wait, that entire sequence of events was just in Aria&amp;#x27;s head?! The vice principal really just wanted to give Aria some paperwork to pass along to her mom, who is out sick from work? PLL writing staff, unless your name is the Notorious B.I.G., please don&amp;#x27;t ever do this &amp;quot;It was all a dream&amp;quot; B.S. again. The only redeeming moment is that this hallucination made Aria text Ez and tell him that she does want to see other people. Em and Paige are doing what high school couples in 2013 do these days: sitting on a bed and looking at an iPad. Back in the day, it was dry humping denim genitals while hoping your parents won&amp;#x27;t walk in on you and your significant other, and now it&amp;#x27;s swiping through a series of selfies. My, how the times have changed. In all seriousness, Paige got offered a full ride into Stanford University, and she wants Emily to apply so they can be together. Em agrees to this plan, and they tell each other &amp;quot;I love you.&amp;quot; Aww and also, Lord, please don&amp;#x27;t kill Paige. This relationship is too cute. So Paige leaves, and Jenna is outside, creeping as per usual. Jenna has a burned hand and asked Emily to tell Toby that she never meant to hurt him. Is this an apology for the past, or something she&amp;#x27;s going to do in the future?! I&amp;#x27;m scared! Hanna tells Mona she misses her, and they make a shopping date. Post-shopping, she tells Mona she hasn&amp;#x27;t heard from Caleb since he left town and after some more awkward convo, Mona figures out that Han is just pretending to her friend, so before she leaves, she gives Hanna the chip. Spencer is at home, reading a book. She goes to her window and sees Jessica staring back at her. Me no like! Jessica stares for a second longer and walks away. Spence then gets a message from &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; about open caskets exposing secrets, which she tells the Little Liars about at Wilden&amp;#x27;s funeral the next day. She&amp;#x27;s convinced that &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; might have put something in his casket since it&amp;#x27;s an open-casket funeral. The LL decide to split up to try and find the casket. Along the way, Aria sees Fitz, goes to say &amp;quot;Hi,&amp;quot; but he turns away. Ouch. Spencer goes into the room where his casket is, and then Mona&amp;#x27;s creepy ass steps out from the shadows and says she got the same message from &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; as Spence. They open the casket, and we hear a phone ring. There&amp;#x27;s a missed call from &amp;quot;Kisses,&amp;quot; which is how &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; signed all the messages she sent this episode. Spence and Mo redial. Hanna answers and asks why they are calling her mom&amp;#x27;s phone. Looks like &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; is not only setting up the Little Liars for Wilden&amp;#x27;s murder, but Mama Marin too. Cut to Toby driving the RV. He looks at a text from &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; that states if he brings the lair, she&amp;#x27;ll let him know what happened to his mama. Now, we&amp;#x27;re in a flashback of Alison in his room. They almost kiss, but his mom walks in. She seems out of it, Toby&amp;#x27;s concerned, and Alison doesn&amp;#x27;t give an eff. He kicks Ali out for being insensitive. End of flashback, and we&amp;#x27;re back to Toby fighting his tears. He gets out of the RV and seemingly leaves it in the middle of the road. UM, I KNOW YOU&amp;#x27;RE SAD RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT RV HAS INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE ON EVERYONE SO COULD YOU AT LEAST NOT LEAVE IT SITTING OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE A HALF FINISHED GAME OF MONOPOLY? THANKS. The funeral ends, and the mystery woman the Little Liars noticed earlier gets in a limo and leaves. Before the girls can talk further, Officer Holbrook introduces himself to the them. He&amp;#x27;s good looking and investigating the murders of Garrett and Wilden (in that order). He doesn&amp;#x27;t understand why the girls came to the funeral since Wilden used to harass them, and lets them know he will have to bring them in for questioning. As he walks away, the Little Liars and Mona get a text from &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; where she says she&amp;#x27;s going to bury them with the truth, and then shows them footage of them at Wilden&amp;#x27;s car while Mona steals the chip out of it. They realize that &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; is the one who reported the Wilden murder. We end on &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; back in her lair with a half-melted mask on, placing dolls on a shelf. She places a hoodie on the Mona doll. Does this mean Mo is still on team &amp;quot;A?&amp;quot; Is the woman behind the mask Jenna, who also has a burned hand, or CeCe? Also, where the heck has Caleb been this episode? So many questions at the end of the show, and that&amp;#x27;s just the way I like it! Looks like this might not be a bad start to the season after all. Finally, to close each recap, I&amp;#x27;m going to give the Run, White Women, Run moment of the episode. The RWWR moment refers to the fact the Little Liars are always getting their Scooby-Doo on, which, of course, puts them in danger. Tonight&amp;#x27;s RWWR was at the low end of the spectrum because the girls were mostly going about their lives, but when Spencer was reading and Jessica DiLaurentis decided to do her one-woman show entitled &amp;quot;Standing Hella Creepy at Windows Like the Possessed Bodies in Paranomal Activity 1-5,&amp;quot; I yelled at my TV in hopes that Spencer would employ the Running Past the Cookie, Candy, and Chips Aisles in the Grocery Store in Order to Buy a Key Lime Pie-Flavored Yoplait Yogurt and Pretend That Mess Is Just as Good as the Real Thing: She did. But going forward, Spence should just keep her shades closed at all times. She knows that &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; is probably out there watching her like old episodes of 227. Protect yourself, gurl, and maintain your privacy! Alrighty, what did you think of last night&amp;#x27;s episode? Am I the only one who was slightly disappointed about what was in the trunk? Finally, I&amp;#x27;m not buying that Mona isn&amp;#x27;t on team &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; anymore, are you?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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