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"If we learned anything from the film 2012 (and there are many things we learned, like \u201CJohn Cusack no longer makes good movies\u201D), it\u2019s that the world will end this year. Fortunately for you, we\u2019re here to help. The following is a step-by-step guide (in full-on, choose-your-own-adventure style) for making it through the apocalypse alive and/or with your soul intact.\r\n\r\nLET'S BEGIN\r\n\r\nFIRST, WHAT'S HAPPENING AROUND YOU?\r\n\r\nDid the Kingdom of Heaven come down to Earth, making all things new and God is now on the throne? If so, go to 01.\r\n\r\nHave millions of people simply disappeared? If so, go to 02.\r\n\r\nIs Woody Harrelson driving by in an RV? If so, go to 03.\r\n\r\nHas the last bit of time been marked by a worldwide turn to Christian ethics? If so, go to 04.\r\n\r\nHas there been a rash of smart monkeys lately? If so, go to 05.\r\n\r\nHave you seen anything on the news about \u201Cpatient zero\u201D and/or Gwyneth Paltrow dying of a mysterious disease after a trip to Macau? If so, go to 06.\r\n\r\n01 The amillennialists were right! The world has been renewed and everything is perfect. Enjoy eternity! The End.\r\n\r\n02 Are you a Christian? If yes, go to 14. If no, go to 15.\r\n\r\n03 You are likely living in a real-life version of 2012. Meaning, the Mayans were right. Are you extremely wealthy? To the point where you can afford to spend approximately $1.25 billion to be rescued from the coming weather-related apocalypse? If yes, go to 7. If no, go to 13.\r\n\r\n04 \r\nYou may be living in a postmillennial society. But it\u2019s likely a temporary lull. Has the world grown so peaceful that there is no longer a demand for 24-hour cable news channels? If yes, go to 37. If no, go to 38.\r\n\r\n05 Who have humans turned to for help fending off the increasingly hostile army of smart monkeys? If James Franco, go to 24. If Jane Goodall, go to 25. If \u201CBubbles\u201D (Michael Jackson\u2019s beloved pet chimp), go to 26.\r\n\r\n06 Did you wake up in a strange hospital and go outside, only to find yourself wandering the eerily bare streets of London while a foreboding Godspeed You! Black Emperor song plays in your head? If so, go to 29. If no, go to 30.\r\n\r\n07 Good news! You can afford to join the rest of super-rich humanity on the arks they\u2019re building in the Himalayas. Has it started raining/tsunami-ing yet? If so, go to 11. If not, go to 12.\r\n\r\n08 Congrats! You\u2019re on a boat filled with really rich people and cultural artifacts. You\u2019ll now spend the rest of your life with a bunch of people who bought their lives, meaning you will probably be killed during an argument over the last can of Coke ever. The End.\r\n\r\n09 You paid a whole bunch of money and ended up on a boat, but now the boat isn\u2019t a safety net. Go to 13.\r\n\r\n10 Did that happen seven years ago? If yes, go to 17. If no, go to 4.\r\n\r\n11 Hurry! They\u2019re shutting the doors to the arks and all the open spots will soon be taken by gangsters and/or John Cusack\u2019s loved ones. If you make it in, go to 12. If the doors are already closed, go to 13.\r\n\r\n12 Check the door mechanism on your boat. Is it working? If yes, go to 8. If no, go to 9.\r\n\r\n13 You\u2019re going to die in a flood/tornado/earthquake/when Los Angeles falls into the ocean. Sorry. The End.\r\n\r\n14 OK, you\u2019re not really a Christian. But you\u2019ve got seven years to become one. Get on that. Do you own a copy of the Left Behind series? If yes, then go to 18. If no, go to 19.\r\n\r\n15 This means you\u2019re living in a premillennial, pre-, mid- or post-Tribulation rapture apocalypse. Don\u2019t panic\u2014we\u2019re here to help. Is #IsraelPalestinePeace a trending topic? And did a handsome, charismatic young politician from Eastern Europe just become the first person to surpass 1 billion followers on Twitter? If yes, go to 16. If no, go to 10.\r\n\r\n16 You\u2019re at the very beginning of the Tribulation. This means you\u2019ve either got three-and-a-half or seven years left to become a Christian before Christ\u2019s pre-Armageddon 1,000-year reign. So do that first. Now, do you own any guns, canned food and a bomb shelter? If yes, go to 20. If no, go to 21.\r\n\r\n17 You may be experiencing a post-Trib rapture, which basically means you survived a horrible stretch of the Earth\u2019s history and a wonderful 1,000 years of peace will start soon. Congrats! But it also means if you weren\u2019t raptured, you\u2019re still not saved. So go find an \u201CIn Case of the Rapture\u201D videotape. The End.\r\n\r\n18 Left Behind will serve as your guide (in fact, in your immediate future, it will be known as \u201CThe Guide\u201D). Make sure you study everything very carefully. Important: Have you received the mark of the beast? If yes, go to 35. If no, go to 36.\r\n\r\n19 Is the expiration date of the food at least seven years away, and is there enough of it to feed a remnant of people calling themselves the Rapture Brigade? If yes, go to 23. If no, go to 22.\r\n\r\n20 This is very important. You must get a copy of these books because they have just turned out to be (mostly) nonfiction. Every used bookstore in the world will have at least 20 copies of each book. Then go to 18.\r\n\r\n21 Get those things. If you can, go to 23. If you can\u2019t, go to 22.\r\n\r\n22 You\u2019re probably going to be killed by roving bands of Tribulation militias. Or you\u2019ll be killed by a guillotine. Either way, your next few years are going to be rough. Silver lining: It\u2019s not going to last forever, and when you\u2019re killed you go straight to heaven (as long as you follow the rules and become a Christian, of course). The End.\r\n\r\n23  OK, good. You\u2019re all set for the next few years. Do you own a copy of the Left Behind books? If yes, go to 18. If no, go to 19.\r\n\r\n24 James Franco will act like he knows what he\u2019s doing and like he\u2019s got all these plans and he\u2019s smart enough to realize how ridiculous a premise it is before signing up for it. But he is, in fact, lying. So the apes will win, and you can look forward to a lifetime of indentured servitude to a family of orangutans. The End.\r\n\r\n25 Has Jane Goodall betrayed humanity? If yes, go to 27. If no, go to 28.\r\n\r\n26 You\u2019re going to be fine. Bubbles will solve everything. Enjoy the world as he unites humanity with the apes to create a paradise of amusement parks and cotton candy stalls. The End.\r\n\r\n27  Goodall has ensured humanity will live in a slightly deferential harmony with the apes. Your life won\u2019t change much, but all three branches of the government will only consist of primates. The End\r\n\r\n28 She will, but for rational reasons. Go to 27.\r\n\r\n29 The world has been taken over by zombies. Is there any social infrastructure left? If yes, go to 31. If no, go to 32.\r\n\r\n30 It may just be an abnormally calm morning in London. Keep calm and carry on. The End.\r\n\r\n31 Is the military helping people, or trying to cover up the fact they released the initial illness? If they\u2019re helping, go to 33. If they\u2019re covering things up, go to 34.\r\n\r\n32 You\u2019re living in the bleak world of The Walking Dead. This means everyone who is still alive will slowly grow to resent each other for still being alive and you will be very, very sad all the time. The End.\r\n\r\n33 Get some weapons, lots of non-perishable foods and find a safe place to hide, preferably underground with one entrance/exit. Leave a sign outside saying, \u201CHey, military, I\u2019m down here\u201D because zombies can\u2019t read. Wait it out as long as you can, and don\u2019t get bit. If you have enough food, you\u2019re going to survive. Congratulations! The End.\r\n\r\n34 Don\u2019t trust anyone you don\u2019t know, except Viggo Mortenson and his little son, especially if they are making their way to the coast. You can also trust Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg, but only if they are driving a yellow Hummer and cracking jokes. Gather guns, ammo, food and a vehicle. Make your way to an island nation, and hope you can rid the island of zombies and reestablish society. The End.\r\n\r\n35 Oops. Um ... is there an underground tattoo removal doctor nearby? If yes, go get the mark removed and then go to 36. If no, The End. :(\r\n\r\n36 You\u2019re good. Just do not get the mark of the beast. Instead, become a Christian and look for the \u201Ccross\u201D sign on the foreheads of other believers (no one but believers will be able to see it). Band together with fellow Christians, try to convert those who have yet to get the mark and don\u2019t be tempted by leggy stewardesses named \u201CHattie.\u201D The End.\r\n\r\n37 Breathe a sigh of relief. Everything is going to be great, and then after a-time-that\u2019s-probably-around-1,000-years-but-not-a-literal-1,000-years, Jesus will come back. The End.\r\n\r\n38 The momentary lull is because there\u2019s a one-world government, and the leader of said government just signed a seven-year peace treaty with Israel. Go to 16.\r\n\r\nTHAT PERSON COULD BE THE ANTICHRIST IF...\r\n\r\nTrying to figure out who \u201Cthe Man of Lawlessness\u201D could be? Use these point values to figure it out:\r\n\r\nHas a deceivingly charming way with babies (+5 points)\r\n\r\nAuthored the book It Takes a (One-World Government) Village (+20)\r\n\r\nOwns a dominant share in OWN stock (+15)\r\n\r\nSolved Europe\u2019s debt problems (+10)\r\n\r\nDaily practices a pig ride through a reproduction of the Hebrew temple (+3,455)\r\n\r\nMakes staff address him as \u201CSupreme Potentate\u201D (+20)\r\n\r\nTasks Dr. Phil with the creation of a new, unifying global religion (+90)\r\n\r\nWas born on June 6, 1966 (+15)\r\n\r\nWent from being a no-name to Time\u2019s Person of the Year in less than six months (+60)\r\n\r\nIs named \u201CNicolae Carpathia\u201D (+1,000,000)\r\n\r\nKilled two annoyingly preachy terrorists live on television and was globally praised for it (+200)\r\n\r\nBrings Steve Jobs back from the dead, renames him \u201CStefan,\u201D debuts new iGod device (+100)\r\n\r\nIs orchestrating a peace treaty with Israel while muttering, \u201CYou\u2019ll get yours\u201D under his breath during the negotiations (+20)\r\n\r\nHas dogs named Gog and Magog (+30)\r\n\r\nHas ferrets named Gog and Magog (+150)\r\n\r\nAppoints Anderson Cooper as his press secretary (+25)\r\n\r\nMasterminds a new alliance of the world\u2019s 10 largest superpowers called 10H (10 Horns) (+80)"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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