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" There are a lot of insecure talented people on the Internet. It&amp;#039;s not like back in the &amp;#039;90s, when attention-starved hams had to wait for their big break performing stupid human tricks on Letterman or be left to wallow in their isolation, performing at family parties and neighborhood fairs, spinning plates and toiling in their obscurity. Now all you need is a webcam, a dream, and a wellspring of confidence disproportionate to your station in life. Don&amp;#039;t get me wrong -- there are plenty of reality TV shows and virtual competitions that will exploit your talents. But the best of the best remain the home-grown fare: adults not given enough attention as children and children given too much attention by adults. Which isn&amp;#039;t to demean any of their achievements. And though some talents may be a little more useful than others, all inspire respect. Because juggling flaming axes may not get you a corner office or any modicum of &amp;quot;success&amp;quot; in the conventional sense of the word, but in some midsized cities it&amp;#039;ll probably get you laid. And that&amp;#039;s good enough. Kanye Hands      Degree of difficulty: 5 out of 10. Yes, it takes coordination, dexterity, and an almost intimate knowledge of Kanye lyrics. But at the end of the day, if you have two hands and no arthritis you could probably pull this off. (Except for that part where the lyrics change on his hand -- for that you need magic powers.) Degree of usefulness: 6 out of 10. Sure, you could break it out at a party. But with all the set-up time writing on yourself it may lose some of its off-the-cuff appeal. Better yet, consider it training for a future career in typing, or exotic masturbation. Insane Scream      Degree of difficulty: 6 out of 10. Half God-given gift, half dedicated training. (Note that this is in reference to the scream, not his insane, bulging package. Studies show that packages are entirely God-given.) Degree of usefulness: 7 out of 10. Loses a point because it&amp;#039;s not the &amp;#039;80s anymore. Still, with range like that, you&amp;#039;d have to be pretty ugly to not develop a career in singing. (Or porn. Seriously, did you see that thing? It was so well-defined, so hermetically sealed in acid wash that I could draw it from memory.) &amp;quot;Hey Jude&amp;quot; Baby      Degree of difficulty: 12 out of 10. Add six points because the kid is practically still a fetus. Apparently the only reason they didn&amp;#039;t film it in the womb is because they couldn&amp;#039;t fit the guitar in there. Degree of usefulness: 4 out of 10 for the kid. 9 out of 10 for the parents. If he was your kid, wouldn&amp;#039;t you have him sing all the time? Like at your dinner parties? And teach him &amp;quot;Born to Be Wild&amp;quot; and some Springsteen hits? Maybe some Weezer? The possibilities are endless. Tin Whistle Duet      Degree of difficulty: 8 out of 10. Playing the tin whistle is hard enough, considering they only exist in fairy tales, but having to trust and rely on your partner is even harder. Just wait until one of them meets their Yoko. Those tin whistle solos won&amp;#039;t be so impressive...  Degree of usefulness: 2 out of 10. Unless your village has been plagued by an infestation of rats, and your plan is to don a colorful frock and charm the hoard to their watery deaths, this is strictly a novelty act. Fastest Guns      Degree of difficulty: 10 out of 10. That&amp;#039;s a single-action revolver. Meaning that with every shot, this guy has to cock the hammer (ha) and pull the trigger. And not only does he do that five times, but he does it with accuracy. In leather pants. Degree of usefulness: 10 out of 10. Never mind the obvious (challenging people to duels outside bars on dirt roads), but it makes for a pretty fucking cool spectacle. Granted, some of the stricter gun permit laws prohibit him from carrying it everywhere. But I bet that trigger finger kills at parties. (Hmm, I wonder if he knows any good Kanye lyrics.) "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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